
05/28/2004


Source definitions 2.                                       
                                                            
                                                            
Txxxx - Toast Point Limerick year-month (sadly he's gone)   
                                                            
                                                            
    2 AAA                                                     



Source definitions 1.                                       
Lnumber - from Legman's Vol I                               
Gnumber - from Legman's Vol II                              
Pxxxx - Pentatette year-month                               
Mark Wainwright is an ass and is banned.                    
                                                            
    1 AAA                                                     



To an unmarried lady named Hintz,                           
The mention of sex brings a wince.                          
In a burst of exuberance,                                   
She sheathed Peter's protuberance,                          
And she's just been aborted of quints!                      
                                                            
    3 ABORTIONS                                          G1669



With all the abortions each morn                            
Now performed on young ladies forlorn,                      
You don't need lots of nerve                                
Or a closed timeline curve,                                 
To die months before you were born.                         
                                                            
    4 ABORTIONS                      Kay R Devicci            



Said a girl to a friend from Milpitas,                      
"There's a doctor in town who will treat us,                
For feminine ills,                                          
And hot and cold chills,                                    
Or even abort a young foetus."                              
                                                            
    5 ABORTIONS                                          L0945



There was a young yuppie named Cort                         
Who begged of his wife, "Be a sport;                        
A good education                                            
Befitting its station                                       
Will bankrupt us both -- please abort!"                     
                                                            
    6 ABORTIONS                      Armand E Singer       730



There was a young girl of New Guinea,                       
Who got very large 'neath her pinny.                        
She thought it was wind,                                    
But found she had sinned,                                   
And she had it removed for a guinea.                        
(Pinny - pinafore)                                          
    7 ABORTIONS                                          G1729



Blowing things out of proportion                            
Lead me to protest abortion.                                
I find it much fun,                                         
As I load up my gun,                                        
Much easier than plain old extortion.                       
                                                            
    8 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



The logic shown here is erratic;                            
Together with a stand, dogmatic.                            
That is just my view.                                       
I'd never call you                                          
A wierd, twisted, right-wing fanatic.                       
                                                            
    9 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



"Pro-lifers," he says "are so dumb,                         
If allowed, they'd protect their own come,                  
With sheer force of arms,                                   
And see no one harms                                        
What they leave in their queer boyfriends bum."             
                                                            
   10 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



"Pro-choicers deserve the same adject-                      
tive, who think that (somehow, as my magic)                 
Since the kids head is IN,                                  
To kill him's no sin                                        
And late-term abortion's not tragic.                        
                                                            
   11 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



This subject I've watched on the net                        
For over a decade and yet                                   
No one's made any sense,                                    
Offense or defense.                                         
No post ever will, you can bet!                             
                                                            
   12 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



I read and I crack up with mirth;                           
'The soul enters the baby at birth!'                        
In or out of the hole,                                      
Who knows what's a soul?                                    
Have you any idea what it's worth?                          
                                                            
   13 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



And what of the fetus's brain?                              
Do you know when it starts to feel pain?                    
When the size of an oyster,                                 
It's tasty but moister!                                     
Don't worry, they'll never complain.                        
                                                            
   14 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



Killing the docs to stop killing?                           
Such irony I find fulfilling!                               
The logic is bad,                                           
Makes pro-choicers mad,                                     
All prospects for compromise chilling.                      
                                                            
   15 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



The pro-choicers won't admit, maybe                         
Not all the protestors are crazy.                           
(Do you know there's a clinic                               
Where the owner -- a cynic --                               
Sells photos of Folks With Dead Baby?)                      
                                                            
   16 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



For us Rimfolk, it's ever so easy.                          
If our kids turn out bad we're not queasy.                  
We wait 'till they're ripe                                  
Then we cook them like tripe;                               
But to pick them too soon we find sleazy.                   
(rimfolk reproduce by budding)                              
   17 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



There once was an innocent miss,                            
Who feared she'd conceived from a kiss.                     
So, as a precaution,                                        
She had an abortion,                                        
But naught was forthcoming but piss.                        
                                                            
   18 ABORTIONS                                          L0946



The Feds will work hard to save face,                       
Finding Rudolph, using high tech to trace                   
Him -- Whatever they've got!                                
But good gracious!  What                                    
If he's long since departed that place?                     
                                                            
   19 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



Now it's two hundred men they will pay                      
To keep Rudolph from getting away.                          
(It may be black humor                                      
But I've heard a rumor                                      
He's training to pull Santa's sleigh).                      
                                                            
   20 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



So I'd guess it ten million a year                          
To get this manhunt into gear,                              
With results just the same                                  
As with Saddam Hussein                                      
Or the Prez, Christ!  The prospect's so drear.              
                                                            
   21 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



If they fail, then the shit hits the fan,                   
So the Feds will do all that they can.                      
If they can't find the right guy,                           
They'll shot some less bright guy                           
And fake it -- They will get their man!                     
                                                            
   22 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



Because of her careless contortion,                         
He belly was out of proportion.                             
Though she had gone astray,                                 
It was only part way,                                       
So she asked for a partial abortion.                        
                                                            
   23 ABORTIONS                      Albin Chaplin   3024-1407



A grey-headed tutor named Porson,                           
From some strange amatory contortion,                       
Believed he'd conceived                                     
A book, but relieved                                        
Himself by a pamphlet abortion.                             
                                                            
   24 ABORTIONS                                          L0972



Cecilia of ample proportions                                
Took all contraceptive precautions,                         
But thin little Ermintrude                                  
Let a small sperm intrude.                                  
Do you know a good man for abortions?                       
                                                            
   25 ABORTIONS                                          L0973



It's a gruesome procedure, it's plain;                      
Mere description should cause you great pain.               
The kid is not dead,                                        
All is born but his head,                                   
Which they shrink by removing his brain.                    
                                                            
   26 ABORTIONS                      John Miller              



A medical student named Lee                                 
Once ravished a taunting P.T.                               
She sobbed, "How I rue                                      
Taking a rise out of you;                                   
Now please take the rise out of me!"                        
                                                            
   27 ABORTIONS                                          G1678



Nikki Frey caused a wound that still festers                
And the Mensa crowd rushed to divest her.                   
To improve mankind's fortune,                               
She favored abortion                                        
In the N > 3 trimester.                                     
(Nikki Frey was axed editor of Los Angeles Mensa News)      
   28 ABORTIONS                      Arthur Deex         P9503



A months-along woman named Ellie                            
Regretted the bulge in her belly.                           
She scorned its distortion,                                 
Preferring abortion                                         
To long lonely nights by the telly.                         
                                                            
   29 ABORTIONS                      Armand E Singer       507



There was a young preacher named Boyce                      
Who spoke in a very soft voice.                             
But his message was clear,                                  
And he spoke without fear                                   
Of a woman's own freedom of choice.                         
                                                            
   30 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Bob Birch           P0206



A religious young lady named Lunt                           
For abortions did go on a hunt.                             
But she should have, by heck,                               
Took that cross from her neck                               
And suspended it over her cunt.                             
                                                            
   31 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Al Chaplin          P0303



Those Pro and those Anti abortion                           
Are using both fact and distortion.                         
Those Pro always voice                                      
A Freedom of Choice,                                        
Those Anti: "Abortion! Abort! Shun!"                        
                                                            
   32 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Irving Superior     P8911



The American Way, highly vaunted,                           
On occasion is tragically haunted                           
By ladies in waiting,                                       
Eight months after mating,                                  
Deciding their child is unwanted.                           
                                                            
   33 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller              



Now a kid who at birth is rejected                          
More often than not is neglected                            
Or outright abused,                                         
And grows up confused                                       
And angry and wild and dejected.                            
                                                            
   34 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller              



The results of this strife are implicit:                    
A lifestyle which trends towards illicit --                 
To a person who steals                                      
Or does shady deals                                         
Or calls on the phone to solicit.                           
                                                            
   35 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller              



This affects you and me, if you please,                     
As a part of the criminal disease                           
That ties up our courts                                     
And generally thwarts                                       
Our desire for a life-style of ease.                        
                                                            
   36 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller              



As our system of justice congeals,                          
There's a need almost everyone feels,                       
To nip in the bud                                           
This nefarious crud                                         
And curtail all those senseless appeals.                    
                                                            
   37 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller              



From the wings steps our modern-day hero;                   
As proudly as Hitler or Nero.                               
No need for the courts,                                     
He simply aborts:                                           
The appeal rate is virtually zero.                          
                                                            
   38 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller              



Future rapist, Chief Justice, or thief                      
Or, imagine!  Commander in Chief!                           
He so skillfully drains                                     
These kids of their brains,                                 
Thus ensuring careers that are brief.                       
                                                            
   39 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller              



What wisdom could a male draw upon?                         
With abortion, to voice pro or con.                         
If the path you can't trudge,                               
Are you then one to judge?                                  
Is this the gospel according to John. (John Miller)         
                                                            
   40 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Goin2later               



The chicks in the group known as NOW                        
Hold free choice more needy than chow.                      
Abortion is in,                                             
To flush out the sin                                        
Of girls who screwed up, boy, and how!                      
                                                            
   41 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Tucker D. Ott       P8912



Conception or when baby's born?                             
If ever it's settled, next morn,                            
"Does HEREAFTER start                                       
When stop beats the heart                                   
Or when we are Heaven upon?"                                
                                                            
   42 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Irving Superior     P8911



"Free Choice," the determinist said,                        
"Is Satan at work in one's head.                            
For can't you guys see                                      
That girls who think free,                                  
Do really, through fate, find our bed."                     
                                                            
   43 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Tucker D. Ott       P8912



An abortionist said, "It's an art,                          
Efficiently aborting a tart.                                
Though the prudish disparage                                
This type of miscarriage,                                   
It stops 'em as soon as they start."                        
                                                            
   44 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Grand Prix Lim  847      



You know lawyers just hate to get burned,                   
So the cause of the fetus is spurned;                       
They can't pay in advance,                                  
So they haven't much chance                                 
Of getting the law overturned.                              
                                                            
   45 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller 0033         



As the big wheels of Justice grind slow,                    
Our mistrust of the system does grow.                       
So let's all get active,                                    
Make the law retroactive,                                   
And apply to some people we know.                           
                                                            
   46 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller 0033a        



A female who stands for free choice                         
Now surges and raises her voice.                            
Should sloppy guys bang her,                                
No rusty coat hanger                                        
Shall make this non-mother rejoice.                         
                                                            
   47 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Tucker D. Ott       P8912



For freedom of choice we've such thirst,                    
Any kid in the way will be cursed.                          
You can suck out his brain                                  
To be flushed down the drain,                               
Just as long as his head's not out first.                   
                                                            
   48 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             John Miller 0359         



Let's hear it for Roe vs. Wade!                             
Now us lechers can safely get laid.                         
With no need to support 'em,                                
We merely abort 'em,                                        
And doctors get handsomely paid.                            
                                                            
   49 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Jim Weaver Collection    



The start-of-life premise is flawed --                      
Life begins when the sperm starts abroad.                   
Let's give aid and protection                               
To a proper erection --                                     
A stiff prick should be praised before God.                 
                                                            
   50 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Phil Cannibal       P9001



Last Christmas I screwed Fanny Hill,                        
Who swore she was taking the pill.                          
But guess what she's done;                                  
Aborted our son,                                            
And now she has sent me the bill.                           
                                                            
   51 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Tiddy Ogg                



In hearing the abortion debate                              
Are two foetal terms that I hate.                           
"My body" is one --                                         
"The baby?" come on!                                        
But "parasite"? -- That would be great!                     
                                                            
   52 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             H Whelchel               



Replace these two terms meant to cheat us.                  
(Concocted by pundits who treat us                          
To self-serving laws                                        
That further their cause)                                   
Say "parasite".  (Not just the foetus)                      
                                                            
   53 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             H Whelchel               



On Freedom of Choice, we agree,                             
The most famous Choice in history --                        
Remember the scene --                                       
Agreeing will mean,                                         
We'd answer, "To be or not to be."                          
                                                            
   54 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Irving Superior     P8911



Conception or when baby's born?                             
Repeatedly asked by Don Juan.                               
"Does Life, Dear, begin                                     
When I put IT in                                            
Or after IT has withdrawn?"                                 
                                                            
   55 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Irving Superior     P8911



Of all of the problems that meet us,                        
There is one that I fear will defeat us.                    
It is not the big bomb                                      
Which we face with aplomb --                                
It is: What shall we do with the fetus?                     
                                                            
   56 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2703



A lad his dear parents had thwarted                         
And with hoodlums and harlots cavorted.                     
Said his mother, so stern,                                  
"You have caused me concern;                                
'Twould be better had you been aborted."                    
                                                            
   57 ABORTIONS - CHOICE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2816



I grieve at the signt of Ms. Polk,                          
A victim of some cosmic joke;                               
She never aborted                                           
Although she resorted                                       
To three giant-size bottles of Coke.                        
                                                            
   58 ABORTIONS - INEPT              Armand E Singer       596



My recent erotic contortion                                 
Soon led to a furtive abortion.                             
The procedure, unsterile                                    
And fraught with great peril,                               
Was painful and cost me a fortune.                          
                                                            
   59 ABORTIONS - INEPT              Martin Wellborn     P8910



The passionate pussy on Fran                                
Wears out the most virile young man.                        
Now and then -- just a maybe --                             
This results in a baby,                                     
But she flushes them all down the can.                      
                                                            
   60 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                  G1659



There was a young girl from Madrid,                         
Who learned she was having a kid.                           
By holding her water,                                       
Two months and a quarter,                                   
She drowned the poor bastard, she did.                      
                                                            
   61 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                  L0938



There was a young girl of Madrid                            
Who found she'd be having a kid.                            
She swallowed a rubber                                      
To kill the poor bugger,                                    
And out came a Dunlop non-skid.                             
                                                            
   62 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                  G1685



A careless young girl named McMinns                         
Was loaded with twins for her sins.                         
The doc mixed and elixir                                    
He told her would fix her,                                  
But McMinns is still loaded with twins.                     
                                                            
   63 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                  G1682



The abortion team is in a stew;                             
They haven't a clue what to do.                             
The ladies in waiting                                       
Are all agitating,                                          
Cause the ferrets escaped down the loo..                    
                                                            
   64 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                       



A pregnant girl down on her luck,                           
With a child didn't want to be stuck.                       
So to vent all her anger                                    
She took a coat hanger,                                     
And saved herself four hundred bucks.                       
                                                            
   65 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                       



There was an old codger named Wright,                       
Who did nasty things just for spite.                        
He knocked up his daughter,                                 
And then tried to abort her,                                
By biting her tits in the night.                            
                                                            
   66 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                  L0988



A mistress of good doctor Spencer                           
Inquired if he would dispense her                           
An abortificant,                                            
But he told his patient,                                    
An epee would suitably cleanse her.                         
                                                            
   67 ABORTIONS - INEPT              Mike Tice                



A pregnant girl down on her luck;                           
With a child, didn't want to be stuck.                      
So to vent all her anger,                                   
She took a coat hanger,                                     
And saved herself four hundred bucks.                       
                                                            
   68 ABORTIONS - INEPT              Anon                     



An episcopal bishop named Dozier                            
Tried to kill off his heir with a osier;   (willow switch)  
When his girlfriend fought back,                            
With her spread-open crack,                                 
He then punctured its gut with his crosier.                 
                                                            
   69 ABORTIONS - INEPT              Armand E Singer       252



There was a young hooker named Harriet,                     
Who, pregnant with child, wouldn't carry it.                
Dislodged with a willow                                     
And choked with a pillow,                                   
She finished it off with a lariat.                          
                                                            
   70 ABORTIONS - INEPT              Armand E Singer        94



There was a young lady from Cork,                           
Who expected a call from the stork.                         
But with infinite caution,                                  
She performed an abortion,                                  
With two silver spoons and a fork.  (icepick, spoon, fork)  
                                                            
   71 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                  L0947



There was a young man named Jesus,                          
Who performed cheap abortions with tweezers.                
One night on a hunt                                         
Up a mummified cunt                                         
He found a French-letter of Caesar's.                       
(French-letter - old term for a rubber prophylactic)        
   72 ABORTIONS - INEPT                                  L0093



Housewives in this block are so careless                    
That none of their husbands are heirless.                   
To achieve such an end                                      
Took good timing, my friend...                              
Though I still found it frequently perilous.                
                                                            
   73 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Grand Prix Lim  103      



Your offer is hard to ignore;                               
And I promise to harden before                              
You put me away,                                            
Where you want me to stay.                                  
Now guess what is knocking your door!                       
                                                            
   74 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



Please don't knock on the door of my house;                 
We don't want to waken my spouse.                           
If you don't hear his snore,                                
Stay away from my door!                                     
We'll have to be quiet as a mouse.                          
                                                            
   75 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



Or we could sneak off to your place,                        
For a first meeting face-to-face.                           
I'll wear a red rose                                        
And polish my toes,                                         
And put on my finest black lace.                            
                                                            
   76 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



While your hubby is chopping down trees,                    
I'll be wielding my axe 'bove your knees.                   
When you let out a sigh                                     
Then "TIMBER!" I'll cry;                                    
We must pray that the mouse doesn't sneeze.                 
                                                            
   77 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



You're setting a merry old pace,                            
But I'm still way ahead in this race.                       
Your rose I will pluck,                                     
But you will be in luck,                                    
'Cause I'll root a large tree in it's place.                
                                                            
   78 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



But usually married's don't bring                           
Their spouses when they go to swing.                        
Why so apprehensive?                                        
The thrill is extensive,                                    
When your bell is getting a ring.                           
                                                            
   79 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



"A thousand times no, lord!" she cried.                     
"A thousand times? Yes!" he replied.                        
"That may well occur;                                       
It's called droite seigneur;                                
It means I can have each new bride."                        
                                                            
   80 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tiddy                    



"As lord of this couuntry estate,                           
I've rights over every man's mate.                          
You think it not fair?                                      
But why should I care?                                      
I personally think it is great!"                            
                                                            
   81 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tiddy                    



So shortly she made no affray;                              
To bed and such games they did play.                        
She soon got a lust                                         
For the old upper crust.                                    
"A thousand times? Yes please, I pray!"                     
                                                            
   82 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tiddy                    



One night of continual reamings                             
Developed her upper-crust leanings.                         
Less pleasant, though,                                      
Was the crust down below                                    
From ejaculatory streamings.                                
                                                            
   83 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Martin Rand              



While his lordship, the peasant girls plied,                
His wife didn't linger inside;                              
The bold gypsy rover                                        
Would get his leg over                                      
And give her a jolly good ride.                             
                                                            
   84 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tiddy                    



Dear Sarah, Bid hubby adieu                                 
'Cause he's not the right man for you.                      
So shack up with me                                         
And soon we will see                                        
How long till you leave me, too.                            
                                                            
   85 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Gideon Joubert           



There was a young fellow named Hal,                         
Whose wife ran away with his pal.                           
He abhorred deprivation,                                    
So he found consolation                                     
In the arms of another friend's gal.                        
                                                            
   86 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Isaac Asimov             



Sneered a hooker who hails from St. Ives,                   
"I've a hell of a case of the hives;                        
It drags in few yen                                         
From young married men,                                     
But it gladdens the hearts of their wives."                 
                                                            
   87 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Armand E Singer       242



With no "single man" have you tarried                       
For sex, which has left you quite harried;                  
But has it been long                                        
Since you've had the schlong,                               
Of someone who's known to be married?                       
                                                            
   88 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



The doctor informed Mr. Meek                                
That his wife needed sex twice a week.                      
"It's all right with me,"                                   
Stated Meek, "I'll agree.                                   
Do you think she would mind if I peek?"                     
                                                            
   89 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Bob Giandomenico    P9007



A seducer of houswives named Brutus                         
Said, "Though the narrow denounce us and hoot us,           
What we can't abide,                                        
Ain't the jealous and snide;                                
It's the small-minded husbands who shoot us!"               
                                                            
   90 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                    G0028



From your childhood, I'm sure you've been taught:           
"Love thy neighbor" 's a praiseworethy thought.             
Let me as your friend                                       
Add a phrase at the end:                                    
"Love they neighbor, but please don't get caught!"          
                                                            
   91 ADULTRY - HAPPY                John Miller 0045         



Susie suffers from husband neglect;                         
She behaves just as one would expect.                       
She'll screw and she'll lick                                
Any guy with a dick.                                        
I must hurry 'cause my turn is next.                        
                                                            
   92 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0301



"Honey, though I'm far from home,                           
You know that my eye'd never roam.                          
That rumor you heard                                        
Is just plain absurd.                                       
(By the way, what's the name of that foam...")              
                                                            
   93 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



So far as I know, no Inuit                                  
Was family, though I intuit                                 
That in igloos cold,                                        
One warms with the bold,                                    
And therefore would never eschew it.                        
                                                            
   94 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Daniel Ford              



"No sex Monday nights," said Doc Strauss.                   
"It won't inconvenience your spouse."                       
"But Doc, check your chart;                                 
I'll break someone's heart.                                 
That's the night that I'm not at my house."                 
                                                            
   95 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Al Willis                



There was a young woman named Stacey                        
Who somehow endeavored to chase me.                         
She was right in her prime                                  
And she fucked so divine,                                   
That the ring on her finger escaped me.                     
                                                            
   96 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Dave So             T9710



An aging professor named Frye,                              
Who yearned to swap wives on the sly,                       
Had a colleague named Klein                                 
Who suggested, "Try mine",                                  
Thus inspiring the old college try.                         
                                                            
   97 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



An elderly housewife named Bess                             
To her old man one night said, "Confess!                    
Weren't you one time untrue?"                               
He replied, "Once! and you?"                                
She smiled a strange smile and said, "Yes!"                 
                                                            
   98 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Crazy Changes       P9305



The old gentleman stared at the fire                        
And said, "Well, dear, I'd greatly admire                   
At this stage to know who?"                                 
She smiled, "There were two--                               
The football team and the male choir!"                      
                                                            
   99 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Crazy Changes       P9305



A famous theatrical actress,                                
Played best in the role of malefactress;                    
Yet her home life was pure                                  
Except, to be sure,                                         
A scandal or two just for practice.                         
                                                            
  100 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Anon                     



A horny young housewife named Sue,                          
Knew well that Doug's balls were quite blue;                
Stopped by for a beer,                                      
Then to see if he's queer,                                  
Offered a blowjob or two.                                   
                                                            
  101 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Derek               T9712



Poor Doug didn't know what to say,                          
But just to prove he's not gay,                             
Dropped his pants to the floor,                             
And filled that sweet whore                                 
For the better part of a day.                               
                                                            
  102 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Derek               T9712



Now the story I told you is true;                           
Doug called me last night with the news.                    
Only problem is hubby;                                      
He's not short and stubby,                                  
So to Doug I bid an adieu.                                  
                                                            
  103 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Derek               T9712



There was a young lady in Maine,                            
Who had a young man on the brain.                           
He swore he was true,                                       
But between me and you,                                     
He fooled her again and again.                              
                                                            
  104 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



If you value a healthy, long life,                          
And you wish to avoid any strife,                           
And you long to stay clear                                  
Of transgression and fear,                                  
Don't go screwing another man's wife.                       
                                                            
  105 ADULTRY - HAPPY                                         



If you think once a week's not enough,                      
You could get a divorce and that's tough!                   
But let me say this:                                        
"If there is no marital bliss,                              
Avoid trouble and go out for strange stuff!"                
                                                            
  106 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Laurence Craft           



In Ireland, a man named O'Grady                             
Was screwing a neighbor named Sadie,                        
Whose husband, named Jack,                                  
Slipped around the back                                     
And buggered O'Grady's old lady.                            
                                                            
  107 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Bob Birch                



Two former good friends, Fife and Cline,                    
Met by accidental design.                                   
Inquired Mr Fife                                            
"Hello, how's the wife?"                                    
Responded Cline "Fine, and how's mine?"                     
                                                            
  108 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Observer                 



"She's clean from a bath and well-fed,                      
But there's one small problem in bed:                       
When we're under the sheet,                                 
And she's banging my meat,                                  
She moans the name of our friend Ted."                      
                                                            
  109 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Travis Braasell          



Said Cline, "Fife, you should raise a fuss;                 
It's an issue that you should discuss.                      
It's very surprising                                        
To hear you advising                                        
Me, my wife's been cheating on us!"                         
                                                            
  110 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Observer                 



I never would have thought it was true,                     
But she's always been good for a screw.                     
If Ted did accost her,                                      
Then you may have lost her,                                 
But I'll still share YOUR wife with you.                    
                                                            
  111 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Observer                 



"Please Cline, let me finish," said Fife,                   
"There something else causing some strife;                  
When I lick her twat,                                       
She says it is not                                          
As good as the licks from MY wife."                         
                                                            
  112 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Travis Brasell           



Said Cline, "Well, they're both rotten sluts;               
We should kick them right out on their butts.               
But since both our ladies                                   
Are now in their eighties,                                  
Our kids would think we are all nuts."                      
                                                            
  113 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Observer                 



"But one did," said Fife, "think it cool                    
For Moms to exchage their love tool;                        
I learned this today                                        
When your daughter, Faye,                                   
Swam naked with me in my pool."                             
                                                            
  114 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Travis Brasell           



"Well this time, Fife, You've crossed the line.             
It's rather repulsive," said Cline.                         
"You're approaching incest,                                 
'Cause a DNA test                                           
Confirms that Faye's your child, not mind!"                 
                                                            
  115 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Observer                 



A Casanova, Southampton weekending,                         
Said, "Adultry's a word that's offending.                   
But I've found that my hostess                              
Will put out the mostest,                                   
So I lay my host FIRST, elbow bending."                     
                                                            
  116 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Grand Prix Lim  850      



The ways of Lothario Frinks                                 
Drive husbands who know, to strong drinks.                  
For Mr. F. thrives                                          
On unsatisfied wives,                                       
A most happy hobby, methinks.                               
                                                            
  117 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Grand Prix Lim  794      



A horny harpooner from Nome                                 
Cared little for nooky at home,                             
But out on a hunt,                                          
Toward succulent cunt,                                      
His thoughts then his feet would soon roam.                 
                                                            
  118 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Armand E Singer        99



A tighfisted fellow named Toro                              
Would never buy what he could borrow.                       
Like the wife from next door                                
He had had once before,                                     
And promised to bring back tomorrow.                        
                                                            
  119 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Armand E Singer       506



In Great Neck, Old Lyme, and Manhasset,                     
Copulation's an important facet                             
Of suburban life;                                           
And a hot, willing wife                                     
For trading's a valuable asset.                             
                                                            
  120 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Grand Prix Lim  513 G0657



I  have a swell guy," said May Black.                       
"The best husband in the world -- that's a fact.            
He is generous and gay,                                     
And real good in the hay,                                   
But, dammit, his wife wants him back!"                      
                                                            
  121 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Clarence E. Boyle   P8407



My wife had come home to find                               
Me mounting a young woman's behind.                         
'Fore I'd gotten to come,                                   
She yelled at me, "Bum!                                     
Tell me, are you out of your mind?"                         
                                                            
  122 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tom Accousti             



"No, wait," I said, "Let me explain.                        
She was hitchhiking out in the rain.                        
I brought her on by                                         
To get her all dry;                                         
And would have sent her back out, but then..."              
                                                            
  123 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tom Accousti             



"I saw her clothes were raggy and tattered,                 
Her shoes and her purse had been battered.                  
And you had closets galore                                  
Of clothes that you wore                                    
Just once, so I'd not thought it mattered.                  
                                                            
  124 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tom Accousti             



"So I gave to her, last year's wool sweaters                
And a few more old things I could get her;                  
Like some two year old shoes,                               
That had never been used,                                   
Since you found ones that suited you better.                
                                                            
  125 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tom Accousti             



"She was hungry, so I fixed her a bite                      
Of the dinner you made us last night --                     
Since I had no doubt                                        
You'd throw leftovers out,                                  
Although she told me it tasted all right."                  
                                                            
  126 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tom Accousti             



"Believe me, my dear, it's no ruse,                         
After giving her clothing and shoes,                        
She started to go,                                          
And then asked me, 'So,                                     
Is there anything else she don't use?'"                     
                                                            
  127 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Tom Accousti             



When the Ur King was asked for a screw,                     
Quoth he, "I should not overdo.                             
So I can relax                                              
And not overtax,                                            
Take my wives and my concubines too!"                       
                                                            
  128 ADULTRY - HAPPY                Jane D. Hughes      P9107



Once a week was the most that old Ned                       
Could service his wife, so he said...                       
Not knowing Joe Winner                                      
Spent his afternoons in her,                                
Making up for what Ned said was dead...                     
                                                            
  129 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Grand Prix Lim   65      



When I was untrue to my Lar,                                
I tossed a new dime in a jar.                               
In no time at all,                                          
I had wherewithal                                           
To go out and buy a nice car.                               
                                                            
  130 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A doughty old knight of Belgrade,                           
Cantered southward to join the Crusade.                     
His lady, recalling                                         
That squires knew their balling,                            
Faced a husbandless life, undismayed.                       
                                                            
  131 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Isaac Asimov             



The marriage, vowed young Mrs. Cruse,                       
Was trust that one should not abuse.                        
And when lovers of late                                     
Would inquire for a date,                                   
At least five out of ten she'd refuse.                      
                                                            
  132 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Albin Chaplin            



A hard to please MD - Virginian,                            
Wed a sweet little North Carolinian.                        
Her performance at sex                                      
He put down -- she expects                                  
To get a second opinion.                                    
                                                            
  133 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Ann Gasser          P8709



There was a young man from Purdue                           
Whose bride was both bold and untrue.                       
When his friends called him cuckold,                        
This young bridegroom chuckled,                             
"So what? I'd much rather yoo-hoo!"                         
(yoo hoo - mating call of the male homosexual)              
  134 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE                           G2725



Everyone but that dumbbell, O'Neal,                         
Knows his wife has an afternoon deal.                       
For at two every day                                        
A guy stops for a lay --                                    
Depending on how I may feel!                                
                                                            
  135 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE                           G0158



Such is my sexual frustration!                              
From sheer lack of sweet copulation,                        
My husband's away,                                          
Works long hours every day,                                 
And I just can't abide masturbation....                     
                                                            
  136 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Perhaps I should have an affair,                            
With a young stud all sweaty and bare.                      
An enormous hard tool,                                      
He'd be hung like a mule,                                   
With a squeezably neat derrier!                             
                                                            
  137 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



<Ring ring> (Oh damnit) "Who's there?                       
Oh so nice to hear from you, dear."                         
"I am out of town                                           
With old friend Ed Brown,                                   
And I'll be home very late then, I fear."                   
                                                            
  138 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Tom Accousti             



"Well, have a night out with your 'crew',                   
And don't wake me when you're home at two."                 
<Click> "Now my love, Ed --                                 
Come back to this bed.                                      
My husband says he's out with you."                         
                                                            
  139 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Tom Accousti             



Let's meet at this out-of-town diner;                       
My husband can be such a whiner.                            
Who wants to listen                                         
To his moaning' and pissin'                                 
Because I have found someone finer.                         
                                                            
  140 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Marty              TP9807



I am happy to help all wives spawn,                         
And the last ten I've helped are far gone.                  
To inoculate Sally,                                         
I must sneak through the alley,                             
While her louse of a spouse mows the lawn.                  
                                                            
  141 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE                           G1721



My neighbor, Abe, works every night,                        
Which for me, is a stallion's delight.                      
For I've kept his wife's fears                              
Of the dark, calm for years...                              
Can adultry, so wrong, be so right!                         
                                                            
  142 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Grand Prix Lim  911      



John's wife whispered, "Boy, you're in luck.                
Tomorrow if you want a fuck,                                
Well, John's working late;                                  
Won't be home until eight;                                  
You can have me for just 50 bucks."                         
                                                            
  143 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Tiddy Ogg                



The following night, John came home.                        
"Hi honey, are you all alone?"                              
When "Yes" she did say,                                     
"Did Tid come this way?"                                    
Asked John, and she smothered a groan.                      
                                                            
  144 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Tiddy Ogg                



"Well, yes, he came by for a while,"                        
She said with an innocent smile.                            
"And then did he pay                                        
You cash?" John did say.                                    
With never an inkling of guile.                             
                                                            
  145 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Tiddy Ogg                



She thought as she stood there askance,                     
"He knows Tid's been inside my pants."                      
Then John did intone:                                       
"Good, I made him a loan,                                   
And he said he'd repay the advance."                        
                                                            
  146 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Tiddy Ogg                



The snoopers delight to inquire                             
What's between me and Misses McGuire...                     
With her hubby in jail,                                     
And to cool her hot tail,                                   
I agreed to help put out the fire.                          
                                                            
  147 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Grand Prix Lim  908      



I was pounding away on lush Joan                            
When her husband buzzed her on the phone.                   
I paused, still plugged in,                                 
"Good!" she said with a grin,                               
"Your extension kept up its dial tone!"                     
                                                            
  148 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Grand Prix Lim  135      



The judge has just made his decision.                       
My hubby's new lawyer has risen.                            
The kids he will get                                        
And I'm laughing yet,                                       
Because I am sure they ain't all his'n.                     
                                                            
  149 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



After having sex I feel great!                              
It's like losing five stone in weight.                      
But I soon lose my bone,                                    
When her husband comes home,                                
And I have to dash out the back gate.                       
                                                            
  150 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Funny Bone               



A young trapeze artist named Fife                           
Is causing a great deal of strife.                          
"I like to," said he,                                       
"Have a net under me."                                      
But Annette is the bandleader's wife.                       
                                                            
  151 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Michael Weinstein   P8711



There once was a man name of Faber;                         
His wife had ten kids through much labor.                   
He said, "They're all mine!"                                
She said, "No, just nine,                                   
The youngest one came from our neighbor."                   
                                                            
  152 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Chris Bolivar            



"I would like to say, Mr. Bunce,                            
I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.                       
And in all my lewd life,                                    
I've met none like your wife.                               
So why let me have her, you dunce?"                         
                                                            
  153 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



I know that's what you like to think,                       
That I make your wife's pussy stink.                        
While you're there alone,                                   
I'm sinking my bone                                         
Right into her wild hairy pink.                             
                                                            
  154 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE                                



She's onto her dozenth orgasm                               
And I'm making sure that she has 'em.                       
But now I'm sending back                                    
What you, sadly, lack;                                      
And try not to fall in her chasm.                           
                                                            
  155 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE                                



There was a young bride named McWing,                       
Who thought sex a delirious thing.                          
When her bridegroom grew ill                                
From too much (as they will),                               
She found other men do the same thing.                      
                                                            
  156 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Anon                G0125



There was an old bishop of Gloucester                       
Whose wife thought he chivvied and bossed her,              
So she made him agree                                       
To polyandry,                                               
And take the last place on her roster.                      
                                                            
  157 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Tom Baker           P8806



A lady from old Little Rock,                                
In fidelity took little stock,                              
And deserted her man,                                       
In the streets of Japan,                                    
For a boy with a prehensile cock.                           
                                                            
  158 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE                                



Big Bully Babcock of Woodstock                              
Is a boon to loose wives in his block.                      
He supplies what their men                                  
Try to do, now and then,                                    
And does his jelly roll make them rock!                     
                                                            
  159 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Grand Prix Lim  986      



The duchess once had an affair                              
With the vicar before evening prayer.                       
The duke, spotting the tryst                                
Said, "Proceed, I insist."                                  
Now that's what I call savoir-faire.                        
                                                            
  160 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Arthur Deex         P8912



On the day she walked down the aisle,                       
With love in her heart, she said, "I'll                     
Stop flirting with Ned,                                     
And break off with Ed,                                      
But I can't stop sleeping with Lisle."                      
                                                            
  161 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Al Willis                



A brilliant young actor named Fyfe,                         
Had been impotent most of his life.                         
As King Lear he would rage,                                 
And get raves on the stage.                                 
While his stand-in got raves from his wife.                 
                                                            
  162 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Michael Weinstein   P9712



A naive young fellow named Blore                            
Tried to buy rubber cunts in a store.                       
The storekeeper's wife                                      
Explained Facts Of Life;                                    
Now Blore's fucking her more and more.                      
                                                            
  163 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE                           G2087



My neighbor's wife, Daisy McCants,                          
Caught sight of the bulge in my pants.                      
And now, nigh two years,                                    
That cute little dear's                                     
Been locked in a thigh-parting trance.                      
                                                            
  164 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Travis Brasell           



A luscious young housewife named Filk,                      
Attired in pajamas of silk,                                 
With her husband away                                       
And at work through the day,                                
Three milkmen delivered the milk.                           
                                                            
  165 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Albin Chaplin            



A practical fellow named Bates                              
Picks young married girls when he dates.                    
He gets quite a charge,                                     
All tingly and large,                                       
From humping the other guys' mates.                         
                                                            
  166 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Armand E Singer        90



A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison                 
And had an affair with a Saracen.                           
She was not over-sexed                                      
Or jealous or vexed,                                        
She just wanted to make a comparison.                       
                                                            
  167 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Ogden Nash               



There was a young bridegroom of Brandon                     
With a bride both reserved and demandin'.                   
She succumbed in the end,                                   
With the help of a friend                                   
In a wild, orgiastic abandon.                               
                                                            
  168 ADULTRY - HAPPY - FEMALE       Keith MacMillan       80d



An ambitious young fellow named Baker                       
Known around as a top dolly maker,                          
One day gave six wives                                      
The best lay of their lives,                                
Proving Baker, doll maker's no faker!                       
                                                            
  169 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Grand Prix Lim  588      



We were dressed by the time we got back,                    
And I said to Ann's spouse, "Listen, Mack,                  
In a lifetime of follies                                    
I've had dozens of dollies,                                 
And YOUR WIFE'S the best yet, in the sack!"                 
                                                            
  170 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Grand Prix Lim  523      



While sexing his brother's new wife,                        
A randy young coxswain from Fife                            
Said, "The cat house downtown                               
Can up and burn down...                                     
I'm set for free loving for life."                          
                                                            
  171 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Grand Prix Lim   52      



My philandering friend was a cutie;                         
He would show up an hour late for duty,                     
And swear on his life                                       
He'd been phoning his wife,                                 
When he'd really been calling his Beauty.                   
                                                            
  172 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         John E Mayhood           



There was a young man of Ostend,                            
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.                   
"It's no use, my duck,                                      
Interrupting our fuck,                                      
For I'm damned if I 'draw 'til I spend.                     
(Published 1879)                                            
  173 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE                             L0077



He said, "Ogg, you slob, you're too fat!"                   
He replied, "The reason for that                            
Is I eat just one cookie                                    
Each time I have nooky                                      
With Mary, your wife, in your flat."                        
                                                            
  174 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Tiddy Ogg                



My Gramps said, "Go find a good wife,                       
And screw her the rest of your life."                       
I took his advice,                                          
And daily, least twice,                                     
I screw a guy's wife down in Fyffe.                         
                                                            
  175 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Travis Brasell           



"Look after my wife," said the con.                         
Said his pal, "I don't feel put upon."                      
Then he said with a smile,                                  
"Every once in a while,                                     
I shall fuck her for you, while you're gone!"               
                                                            
  176 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



Are you tired of affaires d'amour?                          
Are they getting to be quite a bore?                        
They do not last long.                                      
It can't be that they're wrong;                             
In a week, you go through at least four.                    
                                                            
  177 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Al Willis           P9707



Sacre Bleu You must be deprive'                             
A man must arrange at least five,                           
Or more, if he's able,                                      
And keep that rate stable                                   
Until he hits seventy five.                                 
                                                            
  178 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         John Miller         P9707



This beautiful girl, men would harry,                       
Wherever she'd happen to tarry.                             
Four husbands laid dead,                                    
Each found in her bed,                                      
Yet none of the four did she marry.                         
                                                            
  179 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         SFA                      



Enough of his bachelor blues,                               
The time has arrived for to choose                          
At this moment in life,                                     
He will take him a wife.                                    
The question is, naturally, whose?                          
                                                            
  180 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE                                  



Said a certain old lecher named Day,                        
"If my good wife would but go away,                         
I'd locate a young lass,                                    
And then let the world pass,                                
And I'd do what comes natural and play."                    
                                                            
  181 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Isaac Asimov             



Percy traveled far and wide,                                
Digging shell fish at low tide.                             
He once found a pearl,                                      
Problem was, 'twas a girl!                                  
So to his wife, Percy lied!                                 
                                                            
  182 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Fifi                     



"Adultry", said Joseph, "is nice.                           
If once is all right, better twice.                         
This doubling of rations                                    
Improves my sensations,                                     
For the plural of spouse, friend, is spice."                
                                                            
  183 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Isaac Asimov             



There was a young man at the lake,                          
Whose glance made the ladies all quake.                     
He thrilled one and all                                     
From Spring until Fall,                                     
Then returned to his wife for a break.                      
                                                            
  184 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Marlene McCarty          



The date went quite well, so I thought;                     
A lesson I've also been taught.                             
Don't tell where you'll be;                                 
Your wife may come and see,                                 
And you just may end up getting caught                      
                                                            
  185 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE                                  



A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,                       
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,                         
Let his third-story front,                                  
To a willing young cunt,                                    
Who supplied him a new lease on life!                       
                                                            
  186 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE                                  



Andre, a swordsman by trade,                                
As a youth was quite a gay blade.                           
As he grew older                                            
His blade grew colder,                                      
Says his wife (but not so the maid!)                        
                                                            
  187 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Macsam                   



To the mountains went sweet Dolly Dare,                     
Intent upon having an affair.                               
But her plans, they miscarried,                             
The guys were all married,                                  
But you can bet she played no solitaire.                    
                                                            
  188 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE                             L1703



"My husband's unfaithful," she said.                        
"He has since the day we were wed."                         
"Well, let him philander,                                   
What's sauce for the gander                                 
Is sauce for the goose. Come to bed."                       
                                                            
  189 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE                                  



All my ex's and current misses                              
Send me lots of hugs and kisses.                            
But in Florida they are;                                    
My pecker can't reach that far,                             
So I screw someone else's missus.                           
                                                            
  190 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE                                  



Since screwing his mistress, young Cleft,                   
Of pep for his wife was bereft.                             
To allay her suspicion                                      
He assumed the position                                     
And he offered what juice he had left.                      
                                                            
  191 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0089



I wish you a quite happy life;                              
Our affair has caused me some strife.                       
Though you are now wed,                                     
May I come to your bed,                                     
If I bring a signed noted from my wife?                     
                                                            
  192 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Al Willis                



The new steno spread on the bed,                            
And as Jim ventured into her, said,                         
"Imagine your wife                                          
Using this all her life,                                    
And it's still holding up its red head!"                    
                                                            
  193 ADULTRY - HAPPY - MALE         Grand Prix Lim  723      



When the husband by chance comes in view                    
And discovers his wife in a screw                           
With some gentleman friend                                  
With a hairy ass-end,                                       
Tell me, what does the dear husband do?                     
                                                            
  194 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2356



He does not make a wild exhibition                          
As one would suppose from tradition.                        
Observation contends                                        
That his action depends                                     
On the nature of his disposition.                           
                                                            
  195 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2357



The husband polite will consent                             
Not to stop this outrageous event.                          
With culture and class,                                     
He pats the man's ass,                                      
And says, "Please don't withdraw till you've spent."        
                                                            
  196 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2358



The husband who's funny will pass                           
On tiptoe behind to harass.                                 
In the midst of the screw                                   
To the fucker says, "Boo!"                                  
While with feathers he tickles his ass.                     
                                                            
  197 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2359



The husband considerate can cope                            
With problems of much greater scope.                        
He waits in full view                                       
Till the fucker is through,                                 
Then he offers him towels and soap.                         
                                                            
  198 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2360



The good-natured man unperplexed,                           
Will wait till the couple have sexed.                       
For he favors a screw                                       
Where another man blew,                                     
And he gracefully says, "I am next."                        
                                                            
  199 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2361



The husband who's formal will greet                         
The pair in a manner discreet.                              
He will wait till they spend,                               
Then his hand he'll extend                                  
And the fucker he'll formally meet.                         
                                                            
  200 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2362



The husband who's just will prepare                         
To sit while he watches the pair.                           
He will show no emotion                                     
While he notes the man's motion,                            
To be certain his fucking is fair.                          
                                                            
  201 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2363



The husband conceited installs                              
Himself by the fucker who sprawls,                          
And he watches discreet                                     
While he plunges the meat,                                  
And he sneers at the size of his balls.                     
                                                            
  202 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2364



The husband suspicious will grunt                           
As he watches his wife take the brunt                       
Of a fuck with her lover,                                   
Then he raises the cover                                    
And he says to his wife, "Wash your cunt."                  
                                                            
  203 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2365



The husband refined will not scowl                          
At observing this fucking most foul.                        
If the ass of her lover                                     
Is not under the cover,                                     
He will cover that ass with a towel.                        
                                                            
  204 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2366



The husband that's cautious will bend                       
To observe how his wife fucks her friend.                   
If he sees that the lubber                                  
Has not put on a rubber,                                    
He'll request that he pull out to spend.                    
                                                            
  205 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2367



The husband inept says, "What luck!"                        
As he watches the cuntlapper suck                           
On his wife's hairy cunt,                                   
And he notes every grunt,                                   
In the hope he can learn how to fuck.                       
                                                            
  206 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2368



The excitable husband in shock                              
Upon the two fuckers will gawk,                             
Then he'll sit in a chair                                   
With his feet in the air,                                   
And he'll play until off goes his cock.                     
                                                            
  207 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2369



The acquisitive husband won't stew;                         
He will wait till the fucker is through.                    
He will offer the rotter                                    
A cloth, soap and water,                                    
And present him a bill for the screw.                       
                                                            
  208 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2370



If a gourmet observes a man stick it                        
'Twixt the legs of his wife in her thicket,                 
He will let the man blow                                    
And he'll say to him, "Joe,                                 
Will you please step aside while I lick it?"                
                                                            
  209 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2371



If the husband is shy and he flushes                        
His wife and her lover, he rushes                           
To extinguish the light                                     
For he can't stand the sight,                               
And no one must see that he blushes.                        
                                                            
  210 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2372



A cynical husband will stare                                
As he viewed the young fucker prepare                       
For a mad fucking spree,                                    
And he'd say, "I can't see                                  
How any young fellow could care."                           
                                                            
  211 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2373



The husband who's prompt, in would dash,                    
While his wife and her friend fucked so brash.              
He would unzip his fly                                      
Grasp the man by the thigh,                                 
And he bugger the guy in a flash.                           
                                                            
  212 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2374



With Mary each night you may forn-                          
icate slowly or fast, dusk 'til dawn.                       
But if Jim catches you                                      
He'll turn you black and blue                               
And you might wish you'd never been born                    
                                                            
  213 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



But the thrill of the chase I suppose                       
Makes it worth it to pull down her hose                     
And her underwear too.                                      
Does she never say "shoo",                                  
And give you a punch on the nose?                           
                                                            
  214 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



A wife rides around in her car                              
And looks at each motel and bar,                            
To see if her spouse                                        
`s really a louse,                                          
Whose taken a blonde way too far.                           
                                                            
  215 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



Right now I'm so angry I'm steaming --                      
My mate, 'hind my back, has been scheming                   
With secret email                                           
To a slutty female,                                         
I've pinched myself, but I'm not dreaming.                  
                                                            
  216 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



This online affair with a whore,                            
Makes me long to show him out the door.                     
He just stands there and blinks                             
When I showed him, the ink's                                
Not yet dry on the evidence sure.                           
                                                            
  217 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



But there's naught I can do, though annoyed.                
I can't leave him -- I am unemployed.                       
But I've showed him my back                                 
He'll not climb in the sack                                 
With ME!  Today, I am quite "underjoyed".                   
                                                            
  218 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



The scene: husband sleeping away.                           
Phone rings; we next hear him say:                          
"I ain't the weatherman, so                                 
How the hell would I know?                                  
Besides, it's two hours away!"                              
                                                            
  219 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Tom Accousti             



My wife: "Who's on the phone, dear?"                        
Him: "Don't know, but it was pretty queer.                  
At this time of day,                                        
Some jerk calls up to say:                                  
"So Honey, now is the coast clear?"                         
                                                            
  220 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Tom Accousti             



My wife -- I would sure like to boff her,"                  
Said my closest neighbor, Lem Toffer.                       
Said I, "Do it, Lem,                                        
Just stuff her old quim!"                                   
"I will," he said, "first get up off her!"                  
                                                            
  221 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Travis Brasell           



An adulterous knave was quite vicious                       
When he thought his wife very pernicious.                   
He came home too early                                      
And really got surly,                                       
When he caught her in flagrante delicious.                  
                                                            
  222 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



A little old gal from Wyoming                               
Found out that her hubby was roaming.                       
She got really mad                                          
But what made it bad --                                     
She frothed at the mouth; she was foaming.                  
                                                            
  223 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



When we looked out in front just at dawn,                   
Maw was under some guy on the lawn.                         
Paw went for his gun,                                       
But did not spoil the fun,                                  
For the guy had withdrawn and was gone.                     
                                                            
  224 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Grand Prix Lim  573      



All over the bed we did roam;                               
I swear from my mouth I did foam.                           
I was just fit to pop                                       
When we both had to stop,                                   
As a voice said, "Hey Honey, I'm home!"                     
                                                            
  225 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             SF                       



I recall the day that I'd sung                              
Of a married gal with whom I'd swung.                       
Her husband's sharp knife                                   
Damn near took my life;                                     
Before that, I was better hung.                             
                                                            
  226 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Goofing                  



True love, in the classical sense,                          
Has its moments like this, most intense:                    
Neighbor's spouse comes home early...                       
Has a gun...mad...drunk...burly...                          
You run nude...leg gets hung in the fence!                  
                                                            
  227 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



I heard that he likes to mingle                             
With ladies married and single.                             
But husbands, irate,                                        
Can ruin a date;                                            
The single gals ride his dingle.                            
                                                            
  228 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Jim Weaver Collection    



His antsy-pants wife, Eddie Lowe                            
Was caught laying a stud from Saint Jo.                     
Eddie said, "An understudy                                  
I don't require, Buddy...                                   
So pull it out, dress, and then blow.                       
                                                            
  229 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Grand Prix Lim  599      



Adulterous cunt penetration                                 
With cuckolding administration;                             
Illegally lovered,                                          
Untimely discovered;                                        
Occasioning defenestration.                                 
                                                            
  230 ADULTRY - RESPONSE                                      



It shocked both Amanda and Harris                           
When her husband they thought was in Paris,                 
Caught them screwing like mink...                           
Serves them right, the Rat Fink!                            
Such intrusion is BOUND to embarrass...                     
                                                            
  231 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Grand Prix Lim  690      



A young girl teacher of a boys class,                       
Took favors to allow them to pass.                          
Her spouse oft away,                                        
Came home early one day,                                    
And shot a poor boy in the ass.                             
                                                            
  232 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Arthur Pattaffy          



The wife of a cuckold named Corso                           
Loves boyfriend as well, only more so.                      
Said husband discovers                                      
The two naked lovers                                        
And tears the guy's tool from his torso.                    
                                                            
  233 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Armand E Singer       240



We necked until she became wet.                             
Then we worked up a great deal of sweat.                    
That girl is a pearl,                                       
And my only girl,                                           
But her husband is very upset.                              
                                                            
  234 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Al Willis                



A furniture maker from Gander                               
Confessed of his need to philander,                         
When pinned to the floor                                    
By his wife (who weighed more),                             
And who wielded his rotary sander.                          
                                                            
  235 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Alex Heydon         P0402



These wife-swapping stories abound.                         
Alas, folks, for my part I've found                         
I never could change                                        
Erm for somebody strange.                                   
I'll say more when she's not around.                        
                                                            
  236 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Tiddy Ogg                



I ventured forth once, in my folly,                         
To a wife-swapping agent named Jolley.                      
The pictures of Erm,                                        
They made the man squirm;                                   
He offered a patched rubber dolly.                          
                                                            
  237 ADULTRY - RESPONSE             Tiddy Ogg                



If you feel you're getting too old,                         
And your love life is just getting cold,                    
It's your action that's lacking.                            
You'd better get cracking,                                  
Before you become a cuckold.                                
                                                            
  238 ADULTRY - SAD                  Peter Derr               



Poor Dan was a desperate man;                               
Impregnated his lady friend Anne.                           
"You must wed", said her Mum                                
As she pointed a gun                                        
At his bollocks. "I can't." "Yes, you can."                 
                                                            
  239 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



"But I'm married already", he said,                         
"And my mother-in-law wants me dead                         
On account that I cheat                                     
On her daughter so sweet."                                  
"Well, I'll save her the trouble instead" ...               
                                                            
  240 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



... Said Anne's mother releasing the catch.                 
"Get divorced or your balls I'll dispatch."                 
So poor desperate Dan                                       
Said, "I'll do what I can                                   
If you give me a taste of your snatch."                     
                                                            
  241 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



Now the last time I saw my friend Dan                       
He appeared but a shell of a man.                           
Not surprising I'm sure                                     
With two mothers-in-law                                     
And two wives and 12 kids in the clan.                      
                                                            
  242 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



I submit to you my observation                              
Of the mores of our modern nation.                          
We consider adultery                                        
The vilest skulduggery,                                     
But approve and applaud fornication.                        
                                                            
  243 ADULTRY - SAD                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



Adulterous cunt penetration                                 
With cuckholding administration;                            
Illegally lovered,                                          
Untimely discovered;                                        
Occasioning defenestration.  (thrown out the window)        
                                                            
  244 ADULTRY - SAD                  Archie                   



Petunia, please try to be cool,                             
I'm trying to not break my rule.                            
I really should mingle                                      
With those who are single.                                  
And don't you dare shoot off my tool.                       
                                                            
  245 ADULTRY - SAD                  Frank Fazed              



A little adultery spices                                    
Our lives, but just look at those prices!                   
If they charge all that dough,                              
Men can't buy it, you know,                                 
And there'll be a frustrational crises.                     
                                                            
  246 ADULTRY - SAD                  Isaac Asimov             



A guy gets home early from work,                            
In the closet his brother, a jerk,                          
With nary a stitch;                                         
Undeniably which,                                           
Causes kiddies to go quite berserk.                         
                                                            
  247 ADULTRY - SAD                  Observer                 



Said husband, "Please cut me some slack,                    
My wife's having a heart attack                             
In her birthday suit,                                       
Please go on home -- scoot!                                 
Tomorrow feel free to come back!"                           
                                                            
  248 ADULTRY - SAD                  Observer                 



My ancestors were Norsemen so bold;                         
Vikings from up north where its cold.                       
I'm sure this is right;                                     
I get cold feet at night,                                   
And my head has two horns now to hold.                      
                                                            
  249 ADULTRY - SAD                  Tony Burrell             



My dear wife's name's Jill and alack;                       
She's departed and not coming back.                         
Here today, gone tomorrow.                                  
What adds to my sorrow,                                     
Is she left me for some guy named Jack.                     
                                                            
  250 ADULTRY - SAD                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



Last year, on the road to Redemption,                       
My journey encountered preemption                           
With Grace and her sister;                                  
The latter, I kissed her,                                   
But Grace had my new tax exemption.                         
                                                            
  251 ADULTRY - SAD                  Travis Brasell           



Now the very first thing comes to mind                      
In this newsgroup, I'm sure you will find,                  
Is the number, of course,                                   
Which leads to divorce,                                     
If you're caught with another entwined...                   
                                                            
  252 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



I am glad that your lover returned,                         
To put out those fires that burned.                         
I'm feeling alright                                         
Out of his gunsight.                                        
Now I'll search for one who's been spurned.                 
                                                            
  253 ADULTRY - SAD                  Frank Fazed              



Being caught with that doll in Duluth,                      
In a tenth-rate hotel was uncouth...                        
You've sure got storm and strife                            
When you've wedded a wife...                                
GAD! I miss the good days of my youth.                      
                                                            
  254 ADULTRY - SAD                  Grand Prix Lim  653      



I once took my girl to Southend,                            
Intending a loving weekend.                                 
But imagine the fuss;                                       
In the room next to us,                                     
Was my wife with a gentleman friend.                        
                                                            
  255 ADULTRY - SAD                  Veronica Nicolson        



John's marriage had just stripped its gears.                
He was packing while she shed her tears.                    
"You fucked my friend Otto,                                 
And forgot that our motto                                   
Was 'Satisfaction Guaranteed', just like Sears.             
                                                            
  256 ADULTRY - SAD                  Laurence Craft           



He said we will go to a motel;                              
She said, it will be a hotel.                               
He said, I've no dough.                                     
She said we won't go,                                       
But I promise, your wife I will no tell.                    
                                                            
  257 ADULTRY - SAD                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A scheming young bachelor named Pete                        
Found lots of new women to meet.                            
He courted "the lonely,"                                    
Running adds for "Wives Only,"                              
And signed off "Masseur Descreet."                          
                                                            
  258 ADULTRY - SAD                  Martin Maier             



All the army people have been told,                         
"Extra-marital sex, put on hold.                            
But should you stray                                        
You can still save the day;                                 
Just remember that silence is gold."                        
                                                            
  259 ADULTRY - SAD                  Tom Patton          P9707



As you all know by now, I drive                             
A big rig, delivering by five;                              
When what should I see:                                     
Smoky Bear behind me,                                       
Pulled me over for leaving my wive.                         
                                                            
  260 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



I said, Officer, if you had only known                      
How beaten and bruised to the bone                          
This woman of mine,                                         
Who used to be fine,                                        
Had left me, when I left from home.                         
                                                            
  261 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



But, he kept on writing me that ticket                      
And I decided the cops I would picket.                      
They emphasized jail;                                       
I said go to hell;                                          
Now, I'm in here with a guy with rickets.                   
                                                            
  262 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



Then one day, I was released from jail                      
On money that was posted as bail.                           
I looked her up                                             
Back at the hut,                                            
And said, "Now your tonsils, I'll impale."                  
                                                            
  263 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



She ran as fast as she could go                             
Escaping from me, to and fro.                               
Then she stopped                                            
As she popped                                               
With her fist right on my left earlobe                      
                                                            
  264 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



In the distance, I heard a commotion;                       
It seemed that all was in slow motion.                      
Not one or two;                                             
I was wondering who                                         
Could have caused her to lose her devotion.                 
                                                            
  265 ADULTRY - SAD                                           



There was a cold fish who's named Susan;                    
From her duty, was always excusin'.                         
She woke up one night                                       
And flipped on the light,                                   
And found sister her husband was usin'.                     
                                                            
  266 ADULTRY - SAD                  Tom Simon                



My wife in her best bib and tucker,                         
Will ask men to please give her succor,                     
Though each man she met                                     
Found her ovaries wet                                       
From the last man who happened to fuck her.                 
                                                            
  267 ADULTRY - SAD                  Clement Wood        G0741



They planned an elaborate dalliance,                        
Which they had to hold in abeyance.                         
Her spouse then arrived,                                    
And his wife connived                                       
To freeze assets with writ of conveyance.                   
                                                            
  268 ADULTRY - SAD                  J'Carlin                 



If their house hadn't had a back screen,                    
I wouldn't be here to be seen!                              
For her hubby snuck up                                      
As I humped Tillie Tupp...                                  
How I'm missing her loving machine!                         
                                                            
  269 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim  394      



To his wife said a salesman named Corso,                    
"Tell me why is your orifice wore so?"                      
She said, "When you're on trips                             
I can't suck with sore lips,                                
So it must be, I think, that I whore so."                   
                                                            
  270 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Albin Chaplin            



Mused the bride on her sad honeymoon,                       
"For a hubby, I've picked me a goon...                      
Back home Bill Magee                                        
Must be sure missing me,                                    
And I have to get back to him soon!"                        
                                                            
  271 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim  505      



When her husband appeared at the door,                      
I realized she was no whore.                                
I was keeping no tally                                      
As I ran down the alley,                                    
But it seemed like I'd been there before.                   
                                                            
  272 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Neal Wilgus         P8511



A young trapeze-swinger named Bract,                        
Is faced by a very grim fact.                               
Consider his pain,                                          
When, again and again,                                      
He catches his wife in the act.                             
                                                            
  273 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



There once was a femme named Liz,                           
Who desired the top position in Biz.                        
She cheated on hubby,                                       
With the big boys did rubby -                               
It's "bottom's up" since the affair lost its fizz.          
                                                            
  274 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Jim                      



The congressman's wife with much guile                      
Chose men on both sides of the aisle.                       
His free-choosing wife                                      
Caused Hon. Rep. much strife                                
But both parties partied in style.                          
                                                            
  275 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Tucker D. Ott       P8911



Aunt Mabel's most recent adultery                           
With a sinewy lad of the butlery,                           
Was not a success,                                          
I have heard her confess,                                   
And it lost her a great deal of cutlery.                    
                                                            
  276 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Paul M. Hoffman          



A bell-ringing, mid-eastern ruler                           
Caught his wife on the roof with Abdullah.                  
Said he to this shagger,                                    
As he lunged with his dagger,                               
"My cupola is not a copula!"                                
                                                            
  277 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                             G2729



There once was a young man from Fife,                       
Whose neighbor had threatened his life.                     
He'd pierced the hind-quarters                              
Of both of the daughters,                                   
And then ran away with his wife.                            
                                                            
  278 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Fester Ormatsee          



There was a young fellow of Keating,                        
Whose pride took a terrible beating.                        
That happens to males,                                      
When the learn the details,                                 
Of their wives' extramarital cheating.                      
                                                            
  279 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                             G0103



A misses, she showed me her bush                            
Then said as I fondled her tush,                            
"No beating about                                           
My  bush, don't hold out,                                   
'Cause hubby may soon us ambush."                           
                                                            
  280 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Drummond's sex life was static;                         
The sex was too idiosyncratic.                              
He sought some advice,                                      
Got an electrical device,                                   
For is wife, who soon was ecstatic.                         
                                                            
  281 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



But old Drummond was getting erratic,                       
Soon his wife was a sexual fanatic.                         
All night and all day                                       
She demanded foreplay,                                      
And then sex with the man in the attic.                     
                                                            
  282 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



A tenor who warbled in Rome                                 
Had to pack up and quickly leave home.                      
He'd messed up the lives                                    
Of ten knocked-up wives--                                   
Now he fucks Eskimaidens in Nome.                           
                                                            
  283 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                             G1713



There once was a maitre d'hotel,                            
Who said, "They can all go to hell!                         
They make love to my wife,                                  
And it ruins my life,                                       
For the worst is, they do it so well!"                      
                                                            
  284 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                             L0050



It's Saturday now and a friend                              
Of young Joseph (Martina) will spend                        
Two days in his bed,                                        
For her husband (poor Ted)                                  
Has developed a flaccid weakend.                            
                                                            
  285 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



In Hoboken a wife, Nellie Gray,                             
Has a hubby reluctant to lay.                               
It'd freeze his sex cold                                    
If we told the cuckold                                      
That the grocery boy comes every day...                     
                                                            
  286 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim  647      



A man who came home slightly late;                          
He didn't believe in fate.                                  
When his best friend in bed                                 
With the woman he's wed,                                    
He'd resort to just masturbate.                             
                                                            
  287 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



Forever departed is Zack,                                   
From a fatal attraction to "crack".                         
Not the kind that's a drug,                                 
But the one Mrs. Klugg,                                     
Whose hot-tempered husband came back!                       
                                                            
  288 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Vassar W. Smith     P9304



Dear Robert asked Phoebe to dine,                           
But he never did specify time.                              
Since he wasn't too clear,                                  
She has nothing to fear,                                    
'Cept her husband, who'll probably mind!                    
                                                            
  289 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Once I'd a party of four                                    
Who wanted to make themselves sore.                         
Three had their fun,                                        
But not the last one --                                     
Her husbands fist pounded the door.                         
                                                            
  290 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         H WHELCHEL               



Her master was paying her poorly,                           
So she took him to bed, most demurely;                      
Then said to her master,                                    
You'd better go faster;                                     
My husband oft comes prematurely.                           
                                                            
  291 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         John E Mayhood      P0203



A lady once asked, a bit numbly,                            
If I would please fondle her bumly.                         
I gave it a squeeze,                                        
But was brought to my knees                                 
By a kick from her husband, Lord Chalmondeley.              
                                                            
  292 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



A cautious young fellow said, "Mrs.,                        
I'd love to partake of your krs.,                           
But your husband, I fear,                                   
Is a little too near.                                       
Any thoughts that I have, I dismrs.                         
                                                            
  293 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-2714



There once was a startled young Syrian,                     
Who coming home late, and who peering in                    
The window to coo                                           
To his wife, beheld two                                     
Rather lithe Lebanese disappearyin'.                        
                                                            
  294 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         John Ciardi              



A cuckolded husband from Thrace                             
(Wouldn't you do the same in his place?)                    
Simply sniffed out the spoor                                
Of his wife's paramour,                                     
And caught them 'in medias res'.  (with no introduction)    
                                                            
  295 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Armand E Singer       214



In Englishman near Dublin Bay,                              
Was cuckolded by night and by day.                          
He murmured, "Dear, dear,                                   
I should interfere,                                         
But I feel I'd just be in the way."                         
                                                            
  296 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Myler Magrath            



A man with a master's degree,                               
Freaked out and decided to flee.                            
His wife's a real bitch                                     
Whose crotch starts to itch                                 
For the men, who then nail her with glee!                   
                                                            
  297 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         John                     



A lazy old coot we won't name                               
Said, "Sex is too tiring a game,                            
So our whole married life                                   
I've laid off of my wife,                                   
But she keeps having kids just the same!"                   
                                                            
  298 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim   45      



A base basso buffo in Napoli                                
When deprived of his tail acts so crappily,                 
That a dumb kettle-drummer                                  
Loaned his wife one whole summer,                           
Though admittedly rather unhappily.                         
                                                            
  299 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                             G0139



A scheming young fellow named Thyme                         
Committed a heinious crime.                                 
He did stealthily labor                                     
For the wife of his neighbor,                               
And he stole her a piece at a time.                         
                                                            
  300 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Albin Chaplin            



An amorous Japanese shogun                                  
Announced a good sexual slogan:                             
If you must hump a squaw,                                   
And aren't quick on the draw,                               
Don't screw in her own husband's hogan.                     
                                                            
  301 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Armand E Singer        91



A cuckolded fellow was Stein;                               
His dear wife for lovers did pine.                          
"You are welcome," he said,                                 
"To take men to your bed,                                   
But keep them the hell out of mine."                        
                                                            
  302 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0762



There once was a man from Tibet;                            
He spent all his time on the net.                           
His wife met another;                                       
Left him for his brother;                                   
And he hasn't realized it yet.                              
                                                            
  303 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Robert J Catlin          



The Reverend Mr. Uprightly,                                 
Was cuckolded daily and nightly.                            
He murmured, "Dear, dear!                                   
I would fain interfere,                                     
If I knew how to do it politely."                           
                                                            
  304 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Anon                     



Lord Samuel Shuttlecock Soame                               
Went to the Olympics in Rome.                               
Though not entered to dash,                                 
He took off like a flash                                    
When a husband too early came home.                         
                                                            
  305 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Warrick Elrod            



The Smith brood was carefully planned;                      
That's why Smith just can't understand                      
The birth of son number two,                                
But Smith never knew                                        
About Mrs. Smith's one night stand.                         
                                                            
  306 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Evelyn Bogen             



In the closet behind Mabel's dresses,                       
Here am I in the king of all messes.                        
Her husband came back                                       
Just as we hit the sack,                                    
And had only time for caresses.                             
                                                            
  307 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim  104      



Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;                             
Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.                           
When he's under the weather                                 
They can't get together,                                    
So others get into her box.                                 
                                                            
  308 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                             G0043



Young Josephine, pretty and sweet,                          
Was a terrible flirt and a cheat.                           
She was caught in a caper                                   
With Pete the young paper                                   
Delivery boy in her street.                                 
                                                            
  309 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



But Hugh, her young husband, was sad,                       
And discussed it at length with his dad.                    
"It's the weight of those new                               
Sunday Supplements, Hugh,                                   
That give Pete all his stamina, lad."                       
                                                            
  310 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



A jealous old husband named Wayber                          
Suspected the worst of his neighbor.                        
It sure gave him fits                                       
When the guy kissed the tits                                
Of his wife as she went into labor.                         
                                                            
  311 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Armand E Singer       233



A belligerent beatnik named Jock                            
Working hard on a wife in his block,                        
Was surprised on the ride                                   
By her hubby, and cried,                                    
"Like Man, can't you bother to knock?"                      
                                                            
  312 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim  572      



"Mabel, I'm sorry my jizz                                   
Did the job that it did, but gee whiz!                      
With your man in Japan,                                     
Just how do you plan                                        
To convince the poor bastard, it's his?"                    
                                                            
  313 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



Said Miguel to the gringo, "Senor,                          
Eef I open thees here closet door,                          
An' dee lady eenside,                                       
Ees my leetle lost bride,                                   
Then I theenk I mus' shoot you some more."                  
                                                            
  314 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         John Ciardi              



One night the queen snuck out of bed                        
And met the court Jester who said,                          
"Let us screw on the sly."                                  
So they did. And that's why                                 
They're now each of them missing a head.                    
                                                            
  315 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Michael Weinstein   P9802



There was a young fellow named Hame                         
Whose wife her great love did proclaim.                     
When his plant moved to Rome                                
There he built a new home,                                  
But his milkman, he found, was the same.                    
                                                            
  316 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0187



There once was a nervous young Finn,                        
Who had barely begun to get in                              
To a lady he knew,                                          
When her husband said  "Boo!"                               
And he damned near jumped out of her skin.                  
                                                            
  317 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         John Ciardi              



A seducer of housewives named Brutus                        
Said, "The prudish denounce us and hoot us,                 
But still we seduce...                                      
What puts us to use                                         
Are the small-minded husbands who shoot us!"                
                                                            
  318 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim  543      



There once was a fellow named Ellis,                        
Who, of his wife, was exceedingly jealous.                  
He had gotten wise                                          
To the six other guys                                       
With whom she was overly zealous.                           
                                                            
  319 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Popsicle           TP9807



There was a young lawyer named Louis                        
Who went clear to town on a Jewess;                         
When her husband yelled, "Say,                              
That's my wife in the hay,"                                 
He chuckled, "Tough titty, so sue us!"                      
                                                            
  320 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Armand E Singer       759



I came home to my wife for a nooner,                        
But I wished I had gotten there sooner;                     
For the mailman had come,                                   
The milkman had come,                                       
Ane the plumber, well, he was still doin' her.              
                                                            
  321 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Pat Byrnes               



It was nice, thought a young man named Max,                 
To find someone's wife, and relax.                          
Yet from such situations,                                   
Arise complications.                                        
Here's her husband!  Good Heavens!  Make tracks!            
                                                            
  322 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Isaac Asimov             



I politely asked Herman J Fife                              
For the overnight use of his wife.                          
The foul things he said                                     
Made me blush fiery red...                                  
For he begged me to take her for LIFE!                      
                                                            
  323 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Grand Prix Lim  300      



He returned from a day selling widgets;                     
There's his wife, in bed with a midget.                     
He said with some heat,                                     
"You said you wouldn't cheat!                               
You said you'd be good as Gidget!"                          
                                                            
  324 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



"I meant it!," she said with cough,                         
And proceeded to push the small man off.                    
"You give me no credit!                                     
I didn't mean to bed it!!                                   
Can't you see that I'm tapering off?"                       
                                                            
  325 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE                                  



There was an old Person of Basing,                          
Whose presence of mind was amazing;                         
He purchased a steed,                                       
Which he rode at full speed,                                
While ten irate husbands were chasing.                      
                                                            
  326 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Edwardian Leer 094       



There once was a man named Jim;                             
He was just a little bit dim.                               
He met a girl so sweet                                      
And swept her off her feet,                                 
Then her husband beat the shit out of him.                  
                                                            
  327 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         XEROO                    



I wish I could see through the core                         
Of this very fine solid oak door.                           
On the other side lies                                      
A man with no ties,                                         
And my wife, who I've found is a whore!                     
                                                            
  328 ADULTRY - SAD - FEMALE         Karen29            TP9802



A working mom's child needed care                           
So she hired a young Swedish Au Pair.                       
But that domestic solution                                  
Quickly came to conclusion,                                 
When mom's spouse had an Au Pair affair.                    
                                                            
  329 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Evelyn Bogen        P9407



The tension was certainly rife;                             
You couldn't cut through with a knife.                      
We felt no elation --                                       
Pre-ejaculation --                                          
So I'm sending him home to his wife.                        
                                                            
  330 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Marty              TP9807



Please do not confuse the facts;                            
There is something this gal really lacks.                   
She sits here a-wishin'                                     
Her hubby was dishin'                                       
It here 'stead of behind her back.                          
                                                            
  331 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Puey                     



This housewife was hurt to the core;                        
Her husband she wanted no more.                             
It was when she found out                                   
That he'd screwed about                                     
With the bitch with big tits from next door!                
                                                            
  332 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Laurence Craft           



A middle-aged fellow named Bernie                           
Once went on an interesting journey,                        
With a sweet young petunia,                                 
Two decades his junior,                                     
And his wife has now seen her attorney.                     
                                                            
  333 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Isaac Asimov             



It is hard to stay home on the range                        
With a wife who refuses to change,                          
So I saddle my horse,                                       
Take my usual course                                        
Into town where I get me some strange.                      
                                                            
  334 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE                                    



With the woman next door I was busted,                      
And my manhood has since become rusted.                     
A lesson was learned:                                       
You are gonna get burned,                                   
By stirring some other man's custard.                       
                                                            
  335 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE                                    



An inconstant husband named Loring                          
Would brag about how he was scoring;                        
You know what galled his wife,                              
Not his donjuanish life,                                    
But, faithful or not, his loud snoring.                     
                                                            
  336 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Armand E Singer       228



There once was a bloke from Down Under,                     
Whose marriage had been torn asunder                        
By his penchant to bite                                     
Every earlobe in sight,                                     
And his neighbor's wife's claim he'd undone her!            
                                                            
  337 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Treva Myatt         T9710



A Woodsman with a brand new truck,                          
Slipped away from his wife to shoot duck.                   
Birds weren't in season;                                    
Cheatin' was the reason;                                    
He simply wanted to fuck.                                   
                                                            
  338 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



I thought we were just having fun.                          
Now I must leave on the run.                                
Nice talking to you;                                        
I'll wave toodle-oo.                                        
I hear your husband has a GUN!                              
                                                            
  339 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Frank Fazed              



An unfaithful young husband named James                     
Had a weakness for romantic games;                          
He often made passes                                        
At girls who wore glasses;                                  
It seems he's intrigued by their frames!                    
                                                            
  340 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Observer                 



There was a young fellow named Plum                         
Who cleaned up and shaved and did hum.                      
It was all for his mistress,                                
So as not to cause distress.                                
For his wife, he looked just like a bum.                    
                                                            
  341 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0297



Post tiff, he sought consolement;                           
Now marriage is in foment.                                  
Wife got a sniff                                            
Of perfumed whiff,                                          
MEMENTO of the moment.                                      
                                                            
  342 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Elois                    



Your wife just might break your jaw,                        
Or cut off your dick with a saw.                            
They over-react                                             
When you're caught in the act                               
Of fucking your mother-in-law.                              
                                                            
  343 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           MrMalo                   



Screamed his mistress to Bumfuddle Burr,                    
"You're a scalaway, Burr, and a cur!                        
I'll bet my sweet life                                      
You've been screwing your wife...                           
I'll not play second diddle to her!"                        
                                                            
  344 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Grand Prix Lim  757      



I sleep in my bed all alone.                                
I wait for his call on the phone.                           
His wife's gone to work;                                    
Now Charlie, my jerk,                                       
Is willing to throw me a bone.                              
                                                            
  345 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Marty                    



He won't leave her ass till she's dead,                     
But no need to be lonely in bed.                            
If you like lonely hearts,                                  
And don't mind a few farts,                                 
You ought to try me instead!                                
                                                            
  346 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           MrMalo                   



There was a young fellow name Pate                          
Who worked at the office quite late.                        
Then his wife did find out                                  
What his work was about,                                    
And the rest is too sad to relate.                          
                                                            
  347 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Albin Chaplin            



Many men can still be had;                                  
Ask him to visit your pad.                                  
Love you will feel;                                         
A heart you can steal,                                      
But his wife just might get mad.                            
                                                            
  348 ADULTRY - SAD - MALE           Les Stewart              



A is for affable Annie,                                     
Who is younger, they say, than her granny.                  
Now, that I can't tell,                                     
As I don't know her well,                                   
But, anyhow, A is for Annie.                                
                                                            
  349 ALPHABET LISTING               Carolyn Wells       P8208



I did this thing once before,                               
And from further effort foreswore.                          
Yet I must enjoy pain                                       
'Cause I do it again;                                       
An Alphabet for you, once more.                             
                                                            
  350 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



A for the Agony I face;                                     
B for the booze I embrace;                                  
C for Cold ice;                                             
D, loaded Dice;                                             
E might my vices Erase?                                     
                                                            
  351 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



F is for Fathoms and Feet;                                  
G Grenadine, Griddle, Greet;                                
H Helicopters,                                              
I is in dIopters;                                           
And I am a Jerk when I cheat!                               
                                                            
  352 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



K sound effects ( like KER-SPLASH );                        
L lets Cap'n Bligh use his lash.                            
M is for Meter;                                             
N couldn't be Neater;                                       
O, the great poet, Ogden Nash!                              
                                                            
  353 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



P is when we are Polite;                                    
Q, Quarrelsome or Quite.                                    
Rorshach's a test;                                          
S is in bleSsed;                                            
T lets me Type This Tonight.                                
                                                            
  354 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



U for Umbrellas in rain;                                    
V for Vampires and Vein;                                    
W When they Wean ya';                                       
X is for Xenia;                                             
Y is for Yelping in pain.                                   
                                                            
  355 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



Z -- Zoophobia (a fear)                                     
And to the Prophet Zephania, give ear!                      
Zicchettos are caps;                                        
Electicity Zaps;                                            
And Zebras may bite when they're near.                      
                                                            
  356 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



And now all my wits are waning,                             
Thoughts gone, energy draining.                             
'Twas truly a mistake                                       
This Alphabet to make,                                      
And I've no one but me to be blaming.                       
                                                            
  357 ALPHABET LISTING               C Anton                  



B is for bad little Bridget                                 
Who is morn, noon, and night in a fidget.                   
Her dresses she tears,                                      
And she tumbles down stairs,                                
And her mother's 'most worn to a midget.                    
                                                            
  358 ALPHABET LISTING               Alpha of Child 1884 P9608



C is for curious Charlie                                    
Who lives on rice, oatmeal, and barley.                     
He once wrote a sonnet                                      
On his mothers best bonnet,                                 
And he lets his hair grow long and snarley.                 
                                                            
  359 ALPHABET LISTING               Alpha of Child 1884 P9608



A is for Apple, they say,                                   
And B is for Bird, by the way.                              
C is for candy,                                             
And D is just Dandy,                                        
And E lets me lim every day.                                
                                                            
  360 ALPHABET LISTING               Chris Anton              



F is for Felines which purr;                                
G is for Grunt, Groan, and Grrrrr.                          
H is quite hairy,                                           
I-tinerary                                                  
J is a Jab with a spur.                                     
                                                            
  361 ALPHABET LISTING               Chris Anton              



K?  Keratosis!  (A wart),                                   
L lets us litigate a tort.                                  
M is the Missus,                                            
N is Narcissus,                                             
O the archaic word "Ort."                                   
                                                            
  362 ALPHABET LISTING               Chris Anton              



P is Paprika, a spice;                                      
Q is just really quite nice!                                
R is a Rat;                                                 
S, where I sat;                                             
T lets me Think once or Twice.                              
                                                            
  363 ALPHABET LISTING               Chris Anton              



Umlaut is a good word for U,                                
V is a beautiful View.                                      
W is Wing,                                                  
Xerxes a king,                                              
Y, the Chinese River Yalu.                                  
                                                            
  364 ALPHABET LISTING               Chris Anton              



Z..not what can it be...                                    
Zoonosis?  Zarf?  Zuider Zee?                               
Zombies I fear...                                           
Zymurgy gives beer!                                         
One last try...Zootomy!                                     
                                                            
  365 ALPHABET LISTING               Chris Anton              



Now that's my alphabet's complete,                          
I can kick back and prop up my feet.                        
My brain took a bruisin',                                   
Dictionary cruisin';                                        
This is one task I will not repeat.                         
                                                            
  366 ALPHABET LISTING               Chris Anton              



My flabber's so ghast I can't speak.                        
Your alphabet's truly unique.                               
That really was clever,                                     
But I'll bet you'll never                                   
Be able to do it in Greek.                                  
                                                            
  367 ALPHABET LISTING               Tiddy Ogg                



Alpha's the first in the line.                              
Then beta and gamma, that's fine.                           
Then delta, I suppose,                                      
But what's after those?                                     
Don't know; need more knowledge than mine.                  
                                                            
  368 ALPHABET LISTING               Tiddy Ogg                



E is the egotist dread,                                     
Who as someone has wittily said,                            
Will talk till he's blue                                    
About himself when you                                      
Want to talk about yourself instead.                        
                                                            
  369 ALPHABET LISTING               Oliver Herford           



F was a fussy flamingo,                                     
Who remarked to his family, "By jingo!                      
I think I would go                                          
To that animal show,                                        
But they all talk such barbarous lingo."                    
                                                            
  370 ALPHABET LISTING               Oliver Herford           



I hope that this alphabet Greek                             
Serves you well as device mnemnonic;                        
I'm sorry I cahn't                                          
Use a suitable font,                                        
For the symbols you're learning to speak.                   
                                                            
  371 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



ALPHA's a helium atom;                                      
BETA, portfolio datum.                                      
Disease we're annulling                                     
With GAMMA globulin;                                        
DELTA blues come from south of Rouge Baton.                 
                                                            
  372 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



A number impossibly small,                                  
By math types is EPSILON called;                            
ZETA pads the fine bones                                    
Of Catherine Jones.                                         
ETA's missed when your takeoff is stalled.                  
                                                            
  373 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



Ecological banners have THETA,                              
But the pols no IOTA will cater;                            
It seems KAPPA's sole claim                                 
To alphabet fame                                            
Is in scores of fraternity letters.                         
                                                            
  374 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



LAMBDA's in court for the gays;                             
MU's the average that's sought by surveys.                  
NU, to say least,                                           
Is not wildebeest;                                          
Don't use XI to describe how she sways.                     
                                                            
  375 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



Omicron's like our short "o",                               
For circles, PI's the ratio                                 
Of the long hike around                                     
To straight walk on the ground,                             
Or if it's a pond, a straight RHO.                          
                                                            
  376 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



Deviation and sum are both SIGMA;                           
TAU, UPSILON both bear the stigma                           
Of bein eschewed                                            
In coinages new                                             
For reasons remaining enigma.                               
                                                            
  377 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



PHI has many meanings in science;                           
CHI-RHO's him on whom we place reliance;                    
PSI for psychology;                                         
Omega precisely                                             
Shows resistance in electric appliances.                    
                                                            
  378 ALPHABET LISTING               Dr Limerick  06-11-01    



H is for horrid young Hannah                                
Who has the most shocking bad manner.                       
Once she went out to dine                                   
With a party of nine.                                       
And she ate every single banana.                            
                                                            
  379 ALPHABET LISTING               Alpha of Child 1884 P9608



I is for ignorant Ida                                       
Who doesn't know rhubarb from cider.                        
Once she drank up a quart                                   
Which was more than she ought,                              
And it gave her queer feelings inside her.                  
                                                            
  380 ALPHABET LISTING               Alpha of Child 1884 P9608



J is for jovial Jack                                        
Who goes to the balls in a hack.                            
He thinks he can dance                                      
And he'll caper and prance                                  
Till his joints are half ready to crack.                    
                                                            
  381 ALPHABET LISTING               Alpha of Child 1884 P9608



L is for lovable Lena,                                      
Who met a ferocious hyena;                                  
Whatever occurred                                           
I never have heard;                                         
But anyhow, L is for Lena.                                  
                                                            
  382 ALPHABET LISTING               Oliver Herford           



L was a lachrymose leopard,                                 
Who ate up twelve sheep and a shepherd;                     
But the real reason why                                     
He continued to cry,                                        
Was his food was so lavishly peppered.                      
                                                            
  383 ALPHABET LISTING               Carolyn Wells            



A Israeli boy, living so squalid                            
That his face became awfully pallid,                        
Knew that to avoid unemployent                              
And for his own enjoyment,                                  
He should learn his Alefs, Bets, Gimels, and Daleds.        
                                                            
  384 ALPHABET LISTING               Shmendryck               



Now 0 is null, nothing, void.                               
0 temp is not greatly enjoyed.                              
We can all 0 in on                                          
A number to win on.                                         
For attacks, 0 hour is employed.                            
                                                            
  385 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8912



1's the arm of that bandit, the slot.                       
1 horse, as a town's not so hot.                            
It's the way on a street                                    
Where no one can meet.                                      
In golf it's the ultimate shot.                             
                                                            
  386 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8912



2 bits are coins that we use.                               
At crap 2's a sign that you lose.                           
As a cycle it's "bi".                                       
As openers it's high.                                       
It's the number of feet in our shoes.                       
                                                            
  387 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9001



3 mice they could run, but not see.                         
The brave musketeers, they were 3.                          
3 'r's form school matter.                                  
3 strikes fell the batter.                                  
3 sheets to the wind's, from a spree!                       
                                                            
  388 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9001



With glasses we're nicknamed "4 eyes";                      
4-in-hand is the noblest of ties.                           
With "H" 4's a club                                         
As 400, a snub.                                             
If yelled "FORE", you'll duck if you're wise!               
                                                            
  389 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9001



There's 5 of both fingers and toes.                         
Thank God we have only one nose!                            
"Take 5" is a break,                                        
"High 5" is a shake.                                        
A 5th's full of spirit that flows.                          
                                                            
  390 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9002



A 6 shooter's a western-type gun.                           
A 6 pack brings picnics their fun.                          
Of a doz it's 1/2                                           
And at craps you won't laugh,                               
For when doubled as box-cars you're done.                   
                                                            
  391 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9002



A 7 on dice or eleven                                       
Is like muslims in their 7th heaven.                        
7 league is a boot.                                         
7 seas we pollute.                                          
The inning for stretching is 7.                             
                                                            
  392 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9002



With nerve number 8 we all hear,                            
For an octet 8 players appear.                              
We play 88 keys                                             
on a piano with ease.                                       
An 8th note's a 'quaver,' how queer!                        
                                                            
  393 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9003



9 holes for some golfers is game.                           
Each cat has 9 lives is the claim.                          
The 90 day wonder                                           
Was a World War II blunder.                                 
A cat-o-9-tails tends to maim.                              
                                                            
  394 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P9003



The first of the alphabet A                                 
Will multiple meanins convey:                               
It's a musical key,                                         
The indefinite "the"                                        
And with M it's the morn of the day.                        
                                                            
  395 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8903



We designate B letter two.                                  
With "to" it's a verb, it is true                           
As a bug it will buzz,                                      
(That's not all the bug does!)                              
And with M it piles up in the zoo.                          
                                                            
  396 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8904



Now C is a letter or word.                                  
It is vision or ocean when heard.                           
When used as a grade                                        
It is, I'm afraid,                                          
No more than just average, not third.                       
                                                            
  397 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8904



A prefix or letter is D.                                    
With "lux" it means very fan-cy.                            
With "light" it amuses,                                     
With "bate" it confuses,                                    
With "flate" it will set some air free.                     
                                                            
  398 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8904



A direction is E when at sea,                               
It's a heart test when used with "KG"                       
As a grad, I'll attest,                                     
It's "excellent," the best                                  
Also m times c squared equals E.                            
                                                            
  399 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8905



As an element F treats decay.                               
Its degrees tell the heat of the day.                       
In music it's "LOUD."                                       
And you'd be less than proud                                
Of that grade, I would venture to say!                      
                                                            
  400 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8905



G's known as a man or a string.                             
As a force it's a powerful thing.                           
G's also are riches                                         
To put in your britches.                                    
When exclaimed, G can mean anything.                        
                                                            
  401 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8905



Withdrawal from H brings dt's                               
And tritium consists of H3s.                                
Put h in P_D                                                
For a graduate degree.                                      
As a measure, it's height, if you please!                   
                                                            
  402 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8906



The accusative I equals 'me'.                               
It's also an organ to see,                                  
It's a beam for a home,                                     
An ego alone,                                               
Or a 'ID' if combined with a D.                             
                                                            
  403 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8906



Every J has the shape of a hook.                            
Its a walker defying the book.                              
It is frequently heard                                      
As a raucous blue bird.                                     
Before P it will deal with a crook.                         
                                                            
  404 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8906



A knockout is O after K                                     
Which means 'thousand' to measure or weigh.                 
It's a constant for chem                                    
And the weight of a gem.                                    
In Russia it's cash of the day.                             
                                                            
  405 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8907



Some L's are high trains - how nifty!                       
In Latin it also means fifty.                               
When followed by 'BOW'                                      
It's a joint, and we know                                   
The British save Ls to be thrifty.                          
                                                            
  406 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8907



Small M is just medium we find..                            
With A it's a super schooled mind.                          
With S (do not hiss)                                        
It is Mrs. or Miss                                          
Or disease of a serious kind.                               
                                                            
  407 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8907



Small N is a neuter type gender.                            
With OV it's the month of November.                         
It's Napoleon as king,                                      
A direction to wing.                                        
Nth degree is too much to remember.                         
                                                            
  408 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8908



In degrees O's a temp. we all hate.                         
Our lungs with O2 we inflate.                               
O's a wizard with "z"                                       
And a birth with a "b".                                     
Before "k" O means everything's great!                      
                                                            
  409 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8908



With 'x' P's an army-type store.                            
With 'm' it's post-noon, not before.                        
With 'b' it is lead,                                        
It's what's done in the 'head'.                             
It's played softly in musical score.                        
                                                            
  410 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8908



Before 'a' (as in answer) comes Q.                          
It's a line that the British all do.                        
It's a quart with a 't'.                                    
As q.v. it's "which see".                                   
Most often it's followed by 'u'.                            
                                                            
  411 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8909



Three R's we all learned when in school.                    
Rx is the pharmacist's tool.                                
Before 's' and 'vp'                                         
It means 'please answer me'.                                
That it's right and not left, knows each fool.              
                                                            
  412 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8909



S means curve in the road - do not slip!                    
When doubled it stands for a ship.                          
It makes plurals of nouns.                                  
As a size it abounds                                        
And with 'p' it is short for "post script".                 
                                                            
  413 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8909



A letter or word T can be.                                  
The beginning of golf is a tee.                             
"To a T" is perfection.                                     
Tea's a better selection                                    
Than coffee or milk is for me.                              
                                                            
  414 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8910



U past 'I', before 'D''s a device                           
So lovers won't have to think twice.                        
As a sheep, spell it ewe,                                   
As a turn, simply 'U',                                      
As a valentine 'you' would be nice.                         
                                                            
  415 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8910



Vd you pick up at a bar.                                    
Vw's a kind of a car.                                       
V also means 'volt',                                        
An electrical jolt,                                         
It's the best sign for victory, by far.                     
                                                            
  416 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8910



Every W's an upside-down 'm'                                
3/4 of which is an 'n'.                                     
It's used for a "p"                                         
If preceding 'c'.                                           
On a door it will keep out the men.                         
                                                            
  417 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8911



You may substitute X if you choose                          
For those sums, yet unknown, that we use.                   
With 'mas' it's a season,                                   
With 'rated' the reason                                     
For my losing this rhyme - Please xqqq.                     
                                                            
  418 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8911



As an answer Y signifies 'yes".                             
As a word it's a question I guess.                          
Big Y stands for "Yale".                                    
It is also the tail                                         
That regular adverbs possess.                               
                                                            
  419 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8911



I hate at the end to abuse                                  
A letter not eZ to use.                                     
I know what it's for:                                       
In cartoons it's a snore,                                   
And it's found in all zebras and zoos.                      
                                                            
  420 ALPHABET LISTING               Derry Down Derry    P8912



M is for mournful Miss Molly                                
Who likes to be thought melancholy.                         
She's limp as a rag                                         
When her sisters play tag,                                  
For it's vulgar, she says, to be jolly.                     
                                                            
  421 ALPHABET LISTING               Isabel Bellows 1884 P9608



N is for naughty young Nat                                  
Who sat on his father's best hat.                           
When they asked if he thought                               
He had done as he ought,                                    
He said he supposed 'twas the cat!                          
                                                            
  422 ALPHABET LISTING               Alpha of Child 1884 P9608



O is an optimist glad                                       
Who doesn't know how to be sad.                             
If he wakes up one day                                      
In Hades, he'll say,                                        
"Well, really, it isn't so bad!"                            
                                                            
  423 ALPHABET LISTING               Oliver Herford           



P is for poor little Paul                                   
Who doesn't like study at all.                              
But he's learning to speak                                  
In Latin and Greek,                                         
And is going to take German next fall.                      
                                                            
  424 ALPHABET LISTING               Alpha of Child 1884 P9608



P's a poetical bore                                         
Who recites his own lines by the score.                     
The ladies, poor dears,                                     
Are all moved to tears,                                     
And strong men are moved -- to the door.                    
                                                            
  425 ALPHABET LISTING               Oliver Herford           



The alphabet is much too long.                              
Some letters ought not to belong.                           
They should be excised;                                     
The whole thing concised,                                   
Thus leaving a grouping more strong.                        
                                                            
  426 ALPHABET LISTING               Irving Superior          



Let's rid ourselves first, the "w".                         
Let's use in its place the "double u".                      
Then next let us try                                        
To understand uuhy                                          
The double u uuill just as uuell do.                        
                                                            
  427 ALPHABET LISTING               Irving Superior          



Let's next rid ourselves of the "k"                         
A "c" in its place is ocay.                                 
That four letter uuord                                      
That succs uuhen its heard,                                 
Seems nicer uuhen uuritten this uuay.                       
                                                            
  428 ALPHABET LISTING               Irving Superior          



Let's next rid ourselves of the "r".                        
Instead let's be using the "ah".                            
Nouu, hip-hip-hooahay                                       
Though easy to say,                                         
In spelling is iahahegulaah.                                
                                                            
  429 ALPHABET LISTING               Irving Superior          



To shoahten this epic foah you,                             
As soon as I "0" into "cue",                                
I'm ahesting my mind                                        
Uuile leaving behind                                        
An alphabet of tuuenty tuuo.                                
                                                            
  430 ALPHABET LISTING               Irving Superior          



V is a vain virtuoso.                                       
If you ask, "Pray what makes your hair grow so,             
Do you think it's a sign                                    
Of genius divine?"                                          
He replies, "I don't think so, I know so."                  
                                                            
  431 ALPHABET LISTING               Oliver Herford           



The eyewash known as COLLYRIUM                              
Is just great hogwash to Myriam,                            
Whose sexy eye kohl,                                        
Enhanced by a mole,                                         
Meets any beauty criterium.                                 
                                                            
  432 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Daniel Ford              



It is true that men will not make passes                    
At intelligent girls who wear glasses;                      
With one small exception,                                   
These pass all inspection,                                  
With big tits and cute little asses.                        
                                                            
  433 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Ann Gasser          P9003



There was a young lady named Trish                          
Who was granted her every wish.                             
A small win on Lotto,                                       
And then she got Blotto.                                    
But the daughter's a bit of a dish!                         
                                                            
  434 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



At a contest for belles in a park,                          
The lights were turned out as a lark.                       
But infirm Jude McNeal                                      
Who was known for his feel,                                 
Picked the winner himself in the dark.                      
                                                            
  435 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Albin Chaplin            



A lovely young lady named Trudy                             
Possessed exceptional beauty.                               
Her hair gold and fine,                                     
her face was divine                                         
But her cunt!  Now that was a cutie!                        
                                                            
  436 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Though a buddy of mine was quite lewd, he                   
Pretended he'd never been screwed. He                       
Was truly a liar!                                           
Now his dick is on fire,                                    
He should never have tried it with Trudy                    
                                                            
  437 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



I just got an e-mail from Trudy;                            
It said, "Asshole, I'm telling you true, see,               
If you don't cut this shit                                  
I'm having you HIT!                                         
Go pick on poor Mary or Judy."                              
                                                            
  438 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Well, you never do know with a whore;                       
So of her I will say nothing more;                          
Else I might wake up dead                                   
With a hole in my head,                                     
And my guts spread all over the floor                       
                                                            
  439 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



A young woman from Krasnoyarsk,                             
So beautiful, people would ask,                             
"With a face like that,                                     
Please don't wear a hat,                                    
Or goggles, a veil or a mask."                              
                                                            
  440 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



This enchanting New Englander,                              
On our beaches loved to meander.                            
Her garb, we confess,                                       
Left nothing to guess,                                      
While the sun had to blush as it tanned her!                
                                                            
  441 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Dr Wryme           TP9802



Said a porno queen, "Yes, I take care                       
To give everyone reason to stare.                           
But the play of my parts                                    
Is all for the arts,                                        
Or I just couldn't bear what I bare."                       
                                                            
  442 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               John Ciardi              



Freckles are lovely on faces;                               
But really, they're great any places.                       
When a body's explored                                      
By the eyes of amour,                                       
Each freckle is like an oasis.                              
                                                            
  443 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Heather McCabe           



In a gesture some said was obscene,                         
A newly crowned lush beauty queen                           
Laid the judges for free;                                   
Said, "They're too nice to me,                              
So to say "No!" to nooky is mean!"                          
                                                            
  444 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Grand Prix Lim  381      



Devastating and already picked,                             
Her laughter is bubbling and quick.                         
With her nifty long hair,                                   
And her dimples, two pair,                                  
It's a tough world, but she's got it licked.                
                                                            
  445 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



Her bra size I do not know,                                 
She is shaped like a female - Lo!                           
And when it is down                                         
Her hair it is brown;                                       
She is very pretty, though.                                 
                                                            
  446 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Great beauty possessed young Miss Fenster;                  
The lads that all whistled, incensed her.                   
And she made it quite hard                                  
For those not on their guard,                               
But not one of them held it against her.                    
                                                            
  447 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2042



On the plains I met grizzled Jake Cotter                    
And his gal, the Shoshone Chief's daughter.                 
Her smile, it was broad,                                    
And her beauty unflawed;                                    
I had some wampum left, so I bought her!                    
                                                            
  448 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Tim Tudd                 



Now hang on a second, just wait;                            
That's not me in the mirror, it's Kate.                     
I'm the one to the right,                                   
Who is toned, fit and tight,                                
And the picture of health; I look great!                    
                                                            
  449 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



What a beautiful girl from Uttoxeter!                       
The men raised their hats and their cocks at her.           
They worshipped each titty--                                
And she was so pretty.                                      
The Lesbians lifted their frocks at her.                    
                                                            
  450 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Gavin Ewart         P9212



It's the best looking girl that I've seen,                  
Her teeth they sparkle so clean.                            
He body under a nightie                                     
Looks just like Aphrodite;                                  
With envy, the others go green.                             
                                                            
  451 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Funny Bone               



Bare legs and high heels inches high!                       
With cleavage and plenty of thigh,                          
Disgusting young tarts,                                     
Out showing their parts,                                    
But pleasing to many mens' eye.                             
                                                            
  452 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



From Carriage, Colorado, Miss Claridge,                     
As a Beauty Queen, people disparage...                      
They all say it's a pity,                                   
For in Atlantic City                                        
She'd be kidded when labeled "Miss Carriage".               
                                                            
  453 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Grand Prix Lim  973      



Constance Trubble is always in view                         
In some kind of disturbance anew;                           
It's already been noted                                     
She expects to be voted                                     
Miss Demeanor of Two Thousand Two.                          
                                                            
  454 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               New Millennium Lims P0301



Constance Trubble is always, you see,                       
In some kind of debauchery;                                 
It's already been noted                                     
She expects to be voted                                     
Miss Demeanor of Two Thousand Three,                        
                                                            
  455 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Arthur Deex         P0301



Constance Trubble you'll find evermore                      
In some conduct that most folks deplore;                    
It's already been noted                                     
She expects to be voted                                     
Miss Demeanor of Two Thousand Four.                         
                                                            
  456 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Arthur Deex         P0301



Constance Trubble will always connive                       
Constance Trubble, always in a fix,                         
Constance Trubble, considering Heaven,                      
Constance Trubble, while out on a date,                     
Constance Trubble, that frail clining vine,                 
Constance Trubble is at it again.                           
  457 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Arthur Deex         P0301



The BLACK USA is OK,                                        
But WHITE USA is a NAY.                                     
To no one's surprise,                                       
The best compromise--                                       
Why not a Miss GREY USA?                                    
                                                            
  458 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Irving Superior     P9110



The mud bath can cure, so say some.                         
Restores you when you're on the bum;                        
But before I plop in,                                       
Want to know who's been                                     
There before me; and what has he done?                      
                                                            
  459 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



A gorgeous young woman named Steiner                        
Walked in to the Chesapeake Diner,                          
And all of the guys                                         
Felt their boners arise,                                    
For her beauty could not have been finer.                   
                                                            
  460 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Cap'n Bean          P9811



A thrifty young lady from Gault,                            
Had assets with nary a fault.                               
A forgetful old banker                                      
Neglected to thank her                                      
For depositing much in her vault.                           
                                                            
  461 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Macsam                   



My Maggie is babe number one.                               
Her eyes can see souls or just stun.                        
She know of the danger,                                     
And keeps me part stranger.                                 
I'm really glad she's not a nun.                            
                                                            
  462 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               H WHELCHEL               



A senora who strolled on the corso                          
Displayed quite a lot of her torso.                         
A crowd soon collected                                      
And no one objected                                         
Though some were in favor of more so.                       
(corso - promenade)                                         
  463 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Anon                     



There once was a woman so fine,                             
Her look and her touch were divine.                         
The men would line up                                       
For a sip from her cup,                                     
And each one would pray, "Oh be mine!"                      
                                                            
  464 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Nogoody2shoe             



That physical fitness nut Corso                             
Likes flexing his well-muscled torso;                       
Most onlookers swoon                                        
As when Bing used to croon --                               
A sexy Greek god, only more so.                             
                                                            
  465 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Armand E Singer      240A



Hey Mike, good advice, thanks a lot.                        
But I'd rather fuck ones that are hot.                      
I'll keep the ugly for sucking                              
And the beauties for fucking;                               
Prettier the face, prettier the twat.                       
                                                            
  466 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



You don't know a face from a twat?                          
That's quite a problem you've got!                          
You can smell the difference                                
With olfactory inference,                                   
If you remove from your nose all the snot!                  
                                                            
  467 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



She wiggled and swayed as she strode                        
Down the street; she looked gorgeous. I slowed,             
Then I walked on behind,                                    
With no thought in my mind;                                 
Didn't notice the hole in the road!                         
                                                            
  468 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Peter Wilkins            



"Oh, dear!  Are you hurt?", she did say                     
Let me help you up; come this way!                          
You silly old goose,                                        
Don't watch my caboose,                                     
Even though I've a saucy sashay.                            
                                                            
  469 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Arden                    



There was a young girl named Laraine                        
Whom no one could think of as plain.                        
The fellows pursue her                                      
In order to screw her,                                      
Again and again and again.                                  
                                                            
  470 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Isaac Asimov             



I worship your beauty effulgent,                            
Sweet maiden, so please be indulgent;                       
Just give me a kiss                                         
Or a moment of bliss,                                       
With your hand down my underpants bulgent.                  
                                                            
  471 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



A strapping young beauty named Shirley                      
Said, "I really don't mind being burley.                    
I'm not itty-bitty;                                         
Nontheless I feel pretty,                                   
'Cause my hair is so shiny and curly."                      
                                                            
  472 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Anon                     



Beth is a very fine chick;                                  
She's the one I decided to pick.                            
With brown hair and eyes,                                   
In a five foot three size,                                  
With her I've decided to stick.                             
                                                            
  473 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a maid of such graces,                       
That her curves cried aloud for embraces.                   
"You look," said McGee,                                     
"Like a million to me,                                      
Invested in all the right places!"                          
                                                            
  474 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



A young Maltese girl from Valetta,                          
Was so perfect, she couldn't be better.                     
In a contest for eyes,                                      
Much to her surprise,                                       
First prize went to a girl with a sweater.                  
                                                            
  475 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Arthur Pattaffy          



The facts about beauty are known,                           
And well-learned by those who are grown.                    
Beauty is thin;                                             
It lies in the skin;                                        
While Ugly goes clear to the bone.                          
                                                            
  476 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                        



Exuberant Sue from Anjou                                    
Found that fucking affected her hue.                        
She presented to sight                                      
Some parts pink, some parts white, (Nipples pink, bottom..) 
And others quite purple and blue.   (Her asshole was..)     
                                                            
  477 ANATOMY - BEAUTY                                   G0507



Butt-ugly is not what it seems,                             
Like when you get scared in a dream.                        
But one should not smarm                                    
Another one's charm.                                        
It's relative: what makes you cream?                        
                                                            
  478 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



I've fallen for many a lass                                 
Who had a nonentity ass,                                    
Or irregular bits                                           
Like lopsided tits,                                         
Yet naught in my mind could surpass.                        
                                                            
  479 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



At times I think I like big clits.                          
The next thing I know it's small zits.                      
But then a tooth-gap                                        
Will make me drip pap.                                      
This beauty thing's for hypocrites.                         
                                                            
  480 ANATOMY - BEAUTY               Jim Weaver Collection    



From the Number Nine Penwiper Mews,                         
There is really abominable news;                            
They've discovered a head                                   
In the box for the bread,                                   
But nobody seems to know whose.                             
                                                            
  481 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Edward Gorey             



That's some news!  They've discovered a head                
In the box for the bread, and I said:                       
"It sounds like a mess.                                     
I cannot but stress,                                        
A wrong head in the box, ain't well bred.                   
                                                            
  482 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Bill Backe-Hansen   P8411



Washington Irving's ACEPHALOUS                              
Horseman, purveyor of death callous,                        
Tormenting bane                                             
of Ichabod Crane,                                           
Found an ingenious test of gallus.                          
                                                            
  483 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Daniel Ford              



From then on, in the hollow sleepy,                         
Farmers told of the legend creepy,                          
Of phantasm feared,                                         
Teacher disappeared,                                        
Intended to leave maidens weepy.                            
                                                            
  484 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Daniel Ford              



Wear shades when you look at Pierre,                        
The guy with the hole in his hair.                          
From the top of his head                                    
Where the hair has been shed,                               
He's reflecting a dangerous glare!                          
                                                            
  485 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man who said "Drat!                        
I must instantly purchase a hat."                           
But he found none which fitted                              
For, as he admitted,                                        
His head was enormously fat.                                
                                                            
  486 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Mark Wainwright          



To manage to keep up a brain,                               
Is no easy job, it is plain.                                
That's why a great many                                     
Don't ever use any,                                         
Thus avoiding the care and the strain.                      
                                                            
  487 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              A. Euwer                 



I've thought and I've think and I've thinked;               
Mind's blank, so to be quite succinct,                      
Analysis will                                               
Show activity's nil...                                      
My brains cells are now all extinct.                        
                                                            
  488 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Tiddy Ogg                



The little you do with your brain                           
Is certainly causing you pain.                              
It's quite plain to see                                     
That counting to three,                                     
Is causing those spasms again.                              
                                                            
  489 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Canadian Spirit          



It's Dr. Trepanning again,                                  
With medical students to train.                             
"Our subject today                                          
Concerns matter that's grey,"                               
He said, tossing each student a brain.                      
                                                            
  490 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Peter Wilkins            



"Now study these carefully, please,                         
And give them a delicate squeeze;                           
Although of mixed sex,                                      
You can see the effects                                     
Of a limerick writer's disease."                            
                                                            
  491 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Peter Wilkins            



"Your studies, like mine, will divulge                      
That the frontal lobotomy bulge                             
Is caused by a quirk                                        
In the way that they work,                                  
And the madness in which they divulge."                     
                                                            
  492 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Peter Wilkins            



I had this advice from Aunt Annie:                          
When choosing a pal be quite canny.                         
Avoid if you can                                            
Any very short man;                                         
His brains are too close to his fanny.                      
                                                            
  493 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Arthur Deex         P0111



I had this advice from Aunt Annie:                          
When choosing a pal be quite canny.                         
Avoid if you might                                          
Any gal who is slight;                                      
Her brains are too close to her fanny.                      
                                                            
  494 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Arthur Deex         P0111



Were a brain salesman's prices confused?                    
"Einstein's: 25 cents", he enthused.                        
"For this pol's; twenty grand"                              
No, those prices were planned.                              
The politico's hadn't been used!"                           
                                                            
  495 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Prof M-G                 



I had this advice from my Mum:                              
Be careful when choosing a chum.                            
Avoid if you can                                            
Any very short man;                                         
His brains are too close to his bum.                        
                                                            
  496 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              John Dole    P0111  P9604



Is it right to make animals fatter,                         
Just to eat their poor brains once you shatter              
Their skulls with some spite?                               
It's not black and white,                                   
But somewhere between, a gray matter.                       
                                                            
  497 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Hans                     



My head aches so badly, I fear                              
My brain will fall out of my ear.                           
Been trying all day,                                        
But can't find a way                                        
To just get my head back in gear.                           
                                                            
  498 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Marlene Lewis            



Capt. Jones was a hell of a brawler --                      
In a fight he could make giants holler.                     
But the ladies all said                                     
He was no good in bed,                                      
For his head would slip out of his collar.                  
                                                            
  499 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Neal Wilgus         P8406



There was an old drunk from Kilblane                        
Who wandered for miles in the rain.                         
His hat then did shrink,                                    
Which then made him think,                                  
His head was too small for his brain.                       
                                                            
  500 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              David Axton              



Your brain's hippocampus in where                           
The signals inhibiting fear                                 
Originate for                                               
Suppression of your                                         
Amygdala's panicky fear.                                    
                                                            
  501 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Nick                     



"Clean my gelding: his sheath's full of smegma."            
It was thus that I often would beg Ma.                      
She took a good wipe                                        
But he wasn't her type,                                     
And he kicked her right square in the bregma.               
(bregma - suture joining point in skull)                    
  502 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a wife to her husband near Scole,                      
Who'd forgotten to order the coal,                          
"I knew you'd forget.                                       
You've a head like a net.                                   
Where there isn't a knot there's a hole."                   
                                                            
  503 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Ida Thurtle              



Left-handers are often maligned,                            
But if you research you will find,                          
The right of the brain                                      
Runs the left of the frame,                                 
And a lefty is in her right mind.                           
                                                            
  504 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Bob Phillips             



I seem to have lost it again                                
Oh well! No matter! But then?                               
There seems to be a place                                   
Very close to my face,                                      
Where I've seen it just above my chin!                      
                                                            
  505 ANATOMY - CRANIAL                                       



See here! It's a spot called my head                        
Where my brain seems all lifeless and dead.                 
So what could have happened                                 
To make my brain sappened,                                  
To the point that it acts just like lead?                   
                                                            
  506 ANATOMY - CRANIAL                                       



An ambitious med-student, named Fred,                       
Sliced through cranial nerves as he said,                   
"She was good as a lay,                                     
But for class, today,                                       
I just had to get a head."                                  
                                                            
  507 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Ann Gasser          P8904



"Ve operate schnell in ze Morgan!"                          
Said Herr Doktor Werner von Sorgen.                         
"Ze brain is congested!"                                    
"Oh no," I protested,                                       
"That's my second most favorite organ!"                     
                                                            
  508 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              OgniGioia                



I've implied that you haven't a brain;                      
You just smiled and you did not complain.                   
If you're to improve,                                       
It's certain that you've                                    
A need for some legerdemain.                                
                                                            
  509 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a guy from Spain,                            
Who couldn't afford a brain.                                
He hadn't the money                                         
To pay for a dummy --                                       
Mindlessness drove him insane!                              
                                                            
  510 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



An aging bassoonist from Italy                              
Considered his pate somewhat bitterly;                      
It's almost as neat as                                      
The dome of St. Peters,                                     
But not rounded off quite so prettily.                      
                                                            
  511 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Ron Rubin                



There was a young lady named Baird                          
Whose hearing was badly impaired,                           
And whatever you said,                                      
She waggled her head                                        
And answered, "Oh no! I'm too scared."                      
                                                            
  512 ANATOMY - CRANIAL                                  P8210



A certain exec name of Blass,                               
Always at the head of his class,                            
Did himself in one day                                      
In a corporate way:                                         
Suffocation by head up the ass.                             
                                                            
  513 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Evelyn L                 



I'm unsure of the marvel's specifics,                       
But the brains of us highly prolifics                       
Often demonstrate skills                                    
That give others the chills                                 
When they see us compose honorifics.                        
                                                            
  514 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Hugh Clary               



I don't know what goes on in my brain                       
When I'm writing this wort of refrain.                      
Does this mental dichotomy                                  
Suggest a lobotomy?                                         
Or should I just remain insane.                             
                                                            
  515 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Murphy                   



You might say "No pain no gain!"                            
And indulge in removal of brain,                            
Or wait in the lurch                                        
Until pharma research                                       
Discovers a psychic Rogaine.                                
                                                            
  516 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Pat Powers               



There once was a high school scholar,                       
Whose brain grew smaller and smaller.                       
It grew so small, in fact,                                  
It was hardly intact,                                       
So he sold it to science for a dollar.                      
                                                            
  517 ANATOMY - CRANIAL                                       



There once was a whore in Lahore,                           
Who'd a surprise for patrons in store.                      
She collected the head                                      
Of her victims in bed,                                      
To pave a nice path to her door.                            
                                                            
  518 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Dirruk                   



A young man from Utah, called Paul,                         
Had a head several sizes too small.                         
For the price of a dollar,                                  
He'd loosen his collar                                      
And show how far down it could fall.                        
                                                            
  519 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Michael Palin            



Once a careless young fellow named Ned                      
Took a fairy godmother to bed.                              
But she shriveled his dome                                  
Till he looked like a gnome,                                
When he begged her for a little head.                       
                                                            
  520 ANATOMY - CRANIAL              Jim Maxwell         P8303



Dr. Watson sought clues in a Datsun.                        
"It appears, Holmes, this girl had the hots, son.           
But was the attack                                          
From the front or the back?"                                
Sherlock said, "Alimentary, Dear Watson."                   
                                                            
  521 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Bob Giandomenico    P8902



There once was a fair young lass                            
Whose body was made out of glass.                           
From there you could note                                   
What went into her throat,                                  
And all the way down to her ass.                            
                                                            
  522 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Robert Holtz             



'Twas a notion of William Dean Howells                      
That a man should have ultraclean bowels.                   
He would swallow pipe cleaners,                             
The size of small wieners,                                  
With a chaser of pink paper towels.                         
                                                            
  523 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                G1401



A man with a mania for owls                                 
Stands in a tree and he howls.                              
He's been in that tree                                      
Since Nineteen-0-Three                                      
And not once had the use of his bowels.                     
                                                            
  524 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Spike Milligan           



One morning, a hapless young Haitian,                       
Gulped his keys down, along with his ration.                
If you'd like to know                                       
Where then they did go,                                     
Use the process of elimination.                             
                                                            
  525 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Horst Zweibach           



Some things in this life are real humbling,                 
And some things will lead to much grumbling;                
At times they're combined,                                  
Like when I have dined,                                     
Then during dessert she starts rumbling!                    
                                                            
  526 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                     



Eating is so elementary.                                    
The food goes into the entry,                               
The stomach, the gut,                                       
And heads for the butt,                                     
And this is all alimentary.                                 
                                                            
  527 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Al Willis                



"So how are the kiddies?" I said.                           
And then his face promptly turned red.                      
He described first his pee                                  
And then his agony.                                         
"I didn't say KIDNEYS," I said.                             
                                                            
  528 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Al Willis           P9608



A dethigner who liveth in Fort Thmith                       
Ith without the equipment to pith,                          
Generating a debate                                         
On the quo of hith thate,                                   
Namely, ith he a man or a mith?                             
                                                            
  529 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Hugh Oliver         A018A



There was a young fellow named Nutz                         
Who would rut as the pederast ruts.                         
His physician said, "Solon                                  
There's more in your colon                                  
Than ever got in through your guts."                        
                                                            
  530 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                G1025



An unfortunate fellow named Chase,                          
Had an ass that was not quite in place.                     
He showed indignation                                       
When an investigation,                                      
Showed that some people shit through their face.            
                                                            
  531 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                L1601



There was a young lady of Newcastle,                        
Received a remarkable parcel.                               
In a box with three locks,                                  
Were two cocks with the pox,                                
And a quim, and the brim of an arsehole.                    
                                                            
  532 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                     



The intestines of Dante Rossetti                            
Were exceedingly fragile and petty.                         
All he could eat                                            
Was finely chopped meat,                                    
And all he could shit was spaghetti.                        
                                                            
  533 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                L0736



Home remedies failed Uncle Jack,                            
Whose control of his functions had lack.                    
One could tell his mischance                                
By the state of his pants,                                  
Yellow stains in the front, brown in back.                  
                                                            
  534 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Bob Giandomenico    P9107



It's little and round and it's pinker,                      
And, oh boy, it's really a stinker.                         
It is the muscle                                            
Below your bustle.                                          
That's right, you know, it is your sphincter.               
                                                            
  535 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                     



There was a young fellow of Buckingham,                     
Wrote a treatise on cunts and on fucking 'em;               
But later this work                                         
Was eclipsed by a Turk                                      
Wrote a opus on ass-holes and sucking 'em.                  
(Published 1879)                                            
  536 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY                                L0388



There was a fruit peddler of Buckingham                     
Who wrote about quinces and sucking 'em.                    
But later this work                                         
Was eclipsed by a Turk                                      
With a treatise on apples and plucking 'em.                 
                                                            
  537 ANATOMY - EXCRETORY            Albin Chaplin Appeal 1656



The faces of some girls have dimples,                       
But Marge's is covered with pimples.                        
But me being blind,                                         
I really don't mind,                                        
'Cause reading her face I find simple.                      
                                                            
  538 ANATOMY - FACIAL                                        



Whenever our Margie get's hot,                              
Her visage produces more spots,                             
Which tells me today                                        
I might have it away,                                       
And I show her just what I have got.                        
                                                            
  539 ANATOMY - FACIAL                                        



It's okay that Celts had a blue face,                       
But it weren't in the scrotal space,                        
Which would have, no doubt,                                 
Surely wiped out                                            
That very remarkable race.                                  
                                                            
  540 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Anon                     



Now lots have cerulean eyes,                                
And fair epidermis, likewise.                               
Then sun does its deed,                                     
And most of them need                                       
Dermatologists, when cancers arise.                         
                                                            
  541 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Anon                     



I suspect that they used color blue                         
To efface the roseate hue.                                  
More damage that's done                                     
From rays of the sun,                                       
Which distorts the noses, a few.                            
                                                            
  542 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Anon                     



If a make-up gal you would seek,                            
To conceal damage that rays wreak,                          
She'll hide crimson scene                                   
'Neath transparent green.                                   
'Tis physics of which I now speak.                          
                                                            
  543 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Anon                     



The chin was meant to give trouble,                         
Either pimples or dimples or stubble,                       
Though some have the gall                                   
To grow not at all,                                         
While others come triple and double.                        
                                                            
  544 ANATOMY - FACIAL               A. Euwer                 



There are those who look fair with the dimple,              
And others who look simply simple.                          
Some say 'tis a whimlet                                     
Of Dame Nature's gimlet                                     
Or it may be an inverted pimple.                            
                                                            
  545 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



So maybe I'll duct tape my cheeks                           
To my ears for a couple of weeks;                           
And my eyelids I'll tape                                    
To improve on their shape.                                  
Yes, I guess I could use a few tweaks.                      
                                                            
  546 ANATOMY - FACIAL                                        



By contorting the face epidermis,                           
Or skin, or whatever the term is,                           
We express or display                                       
Pride, joy or dismay --                                     
The expression's whatever the squirm is.                    
                                                            
  547 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



Angel, a diminutive jockey,                                 
Discovered his face to be pocky;                            
So he went to the doc,                                      
Who imparted a shock --                                     
It resulted from flying horse hockey.                       
                                                            
  548 ANATOMY - FACIAL               LaDonna Jones       P8503



There was a young girl of Messleuch                         
Whose statements were often unture.                         
When they said, "Are you hot?"                              
She replied, "No I'm not;                                   
What you see on my face is the dew."                        
                                                            
  549 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Rudyard Kipling     P8903



A middle-aged man, upper class,                             
Got a facelift from a doctor so crass.                      
The result was most horrid,                                 
With balls on his forehead,                                 
And eyeballs poking out of his ass.                         
(must be brother to the ape buggerer - McW)                 
  550 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Tom Patton          P9503



There was a young woman called Trace,                       
Who had freckles all over her face.                         
She hated it when                                           
Friends got out their pen,                                  
And had a 'join the dots' race.                             
                                                            
  551 ANATOMY - FACIAL               P. Copeman               



Said young Marvin, "I'm for quid pro quo,                   
So a sum to my girl I'll bestow.                            
Since her cunt has no wear                                  
There's no need for repair --                               
It's to rebuild her lips like nouveau. "                    
                                                            
  552 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0308



For reasons obscure and unclear,                            
I can't put my nose in my ear.                              
But if I succeed,                                           
I'll be happy indeed,                                       
For I'll finally have a career.                             
                                                            
  553 ANATOMY - FACIAL                                        



If I could just kiss my own nose,                           
I'd have a career, I suppose.                               
But the Christian right wing,                               
Would frown on the thing;                                   
For safety, I'll just kiss my toes.                         
                                                            
  554 ANATOMY - FACIAL                                        



There once was a young man of Dunbarton                     
Who thought he could run like a Spartan.                    
On the thirty-ninth lap,                                    
His braces went SNAP                                        
And his face went a red Scottish tartan.                    
                                                            
  555 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Tom Davie           P9712



There once was a young man from Hyatt,                      
Whose voice was exceedingly quiet.                          
And then one day                                            
It just faded away...                                       
.....                                                       
                                                            
  556 ANATOMY - FACIAL                                        



A young trick-or-treater named Bertie                       
Never washed and preferred to be dirty.                     
Then one Halloween                                          
He scrubbed his face clean,                                 
And nobody knew it was Bertie.                              
                                                            
  557 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Molly Manley        P9705



There was a young man from Chicago,                         
Who wanted to see a buzz-saw go.                            
But the guy put his face                                    
Too close to the place,                                     
And the doctor asked, "Where did his jaw go?"               
                                                            
  558 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Mrs. Louise Conrad  P9304



There once was a girl from the pits,                        
Who drooled upon squeezing her zits.                        
She popped one real loud,                                   
And Boy! was she proud,                                     
As it slid down between her tits.                           
                                                            
  559 ANATOMY - FACIAL               Jim                      



A truth which has prevailed through the years,              
And confirms advice givers' worst fears                     
Is, they're not endearing                                   
Because at last hearing,                                    
"Good advice always falls on deaf ears."                    
                                                            
  560 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9606



Pull back your gold tresses, my dear.                       
That's better, the way now is clear.                        
I stand with my gland                                       
In my hand, feeling grand;                                  
Now I'll just shoot my wad in your ear.                     
                                                            
  561 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS                                 



No Jasper, I'm truly afraid!                                
I've heard tales from other young maids,                    
Of men's predilection.                                      
Please don some protection,                                 
Or else I may catch hearing aids.                           
                                                            
  562 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS                                 



Two brothers who live in the Bronx                          
Have prominent ears and big conx.                           
When they walk down the street                              
Every cabbie they meet                                      
Derides their appearance with honx.                         
                                                            
  563 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        John Dole           P9705



I'm quite deaf, which my friends find distressing;          
Modern rock, for one thing, leaves me guessing.             
But be of good cheer,                                       
From what little I hear,                                    
I count missing the rest, quite a blessing.                 
                                                            
  564 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        John Miller 0071         



What you say, just isn't it;                                
You could be whispering shit                                
Into my ear.                                                
Whatever my dear,                                           
I don't care one little bit.                                
                                                            
  565 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS                                 



The public should not be subjected                          
To speeches, unless they're protected                       
And their ears are both bound                               
And impervious to sound,                                    
Lest their brains become badly infected.                    
                                                            
  566 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Albin Chaplin   3024-2807



There was a young man at the War Office,                    
Whose brain was no good as a store office.                  
Every warning severe                                        
Just went in one ear                                        
And out at the opposite orifice.                            
                                                            
  567 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        J W Churton              



To a weepy young woman in Thrums,                           
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes                 
Of allowing your tears                                      
To fall into my ears--                                      
I think they have rotted the drums."                        
                                                            
  568 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Edward Gorey             



Now the ears, so I always had thunk,                        
Should bear sounds to the top of the trunk.                 
But from here I observe                                     
They seem merely to serve                                   
As racks for the jewelry-mans junk.                         
                                                            
  569 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



A man with his ears full of wax,                            
Was immune to all verbal attacks.                           
He should have been mad                                     
To be called a damn cad,                                    
But all that he did was relax.                              
                                                            
  570 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Robin Maylett            



There was an old woman whose ears                           
Grew twice as big over the years.                           
Bees and flies flew inside                                  
Because it was so wide,                                     
And buzzed until she was in tears!                          
                                                            
  571 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        IOPE                     



There one was a farmer from Algiers,                        
Who planted some corn in his ears.                          
When the temperature rose,                                  
He leapt up on his toes;                                    
Now popping is all that he hears.                           
                                                            
  572 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Vicky Jackson            



A hearing-impaired gal named Skeeter,                       
Was asked to play follow-the-leader.                        
That day in the schoolyard,                                 
She sucked every tool hard --                               
She thought we'd said swallow the peter.                    
                                                            
  573 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Jon Gearhart             



There was a young lady named Greer                          
Whose method of fucking was queer.                          
If you asked for a whack                                    
At her front or her back,                                   
She would smile and would turn a deaf ear.                  
                                                            
  574 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Albin Chaplin   3024-0703



On board on an old sailing lugger,                          
With no cabin boy for to bugger,                            
The captain relates                                         
This tale to his mates,                                     
Of big-eared Jim Smith, they called Jugger.                 
                                                            
  575 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Tiddy                    



"In Virgo, a girl," said the Skipper,                       
"Stood waiting, and Jim said he'd slip her                  
A length.  We said "No!                                     
The cunt on that ho,                                        
It smelled like a ten-day old kipper."                      
                                                            
  576 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Tiddy                    



"But Jimmy set off with no fears,                           
But alas, it all ended in tears;                            
For Jim gave her head,                                      
And got stuck (so he said);                                 
We pulled the fool out by the ears."                        
                                                            
  577 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Tiddy                    



"I knew her abyss was so large,                             
Could have taken a full-loaded barge.                       
So if there you cruise,                                     
You wear your snow shoes,                                   
If ever you give her a charge."                             
                                                            
  578 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Tiddy                    



I see, but as long as you're here                           
One thing is not really clear                               
Oh girl of these ditties                                    
With double dee titties,                                    
How is it your muff's in your ear?                          
                                                            
  579 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS                                 



An anthopologist named Hassis,                              
"When contact lenses reach the masses,                      
In say ten thousand years,                                  
Man will not need ears,                                     
The place now used for hanging glasses.                     
                                                            
  580 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Irving Superior     P8808



Lots of kinky people I see,                                 
And to each his own, I agree --                             
But the things that they pierce                             
Must hurt something fierce!                                 
Pierced ears are enough for me.                             
                                                            
  581 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Kaylin                   



A handsome young fellow named Frears                        
Was attracted to girls by their ears.                       
He'd traverse the globe                                     
For a really nice lobe,                                     
And the sight would reduce him to tears.                    
                                                            
  582 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Michael Palin            



A trucker from old Tennessee                                
Went deaf, so the doctor did see.                           
The doc said, "Oh dear,                                     
Don't clean out your ear                                    
Like that," and removed his truck key.                      
                                                            
  583 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Tiddy                    



I once met a man they called Job,                           
Made an earring from a heavy globe.                         
Now, isn't that queer?                                      
A globe in his ear?                                         
He now has aa twenty-foot lobe.                             
                                                            
  584 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Shiela Lark              



"Excuse me," said the boy from Belize,                      
"But I think I am going to sneeze.                          
I've got wax in my ears,                                    
Which brings me to tears,                                   
And it's going to blow out in the breeze."                  
                                                            
  585 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Mike O'Conner            



There was a young lady of Blacksea,                         
Whose ears were tremendously waxy.                          
A suitor most fine                                          
Shouted, "Wilt thou be mine?"                               
But she thought he was hailing a taxi.                      
                                                            
  586 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Mark Wainwright          



Ramona Elizabeth Beers                                      
Developed a rot in her ears;                                
Then she withered away                                      
In a horrid decay,                                          
After living some seventy years.                            
                                                            
  587 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EARS        Cap'n Bean          P0107



There once was a woman called Fay                           
Who chomped down six carrots a day.                         
She believed the remark                                     
That she'd "see in the dark,"                               
Though she was blind as a bat in the day.                   
                                                            
  588 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Edwin J Weinstein        



The model in my magazine                                    
Had the biggest pair I'd ever seen.                         
So perfectly round,                                         
They did me astound --                                      
Those two eyes were so big and green.                       
                                                            
  589 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES                                 



Dave Blunkett is one of a kind,                             
But one thing that puzzles my mind;                         
You don't need to be very                                   
Smart to secretary,                                         
But how does he type if he's blind?                         
                                                            
  590 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Alexander Baron          



The mohel just couldn't decide                              
"But my babe has no eyelids!" mom cried.                    
So he snipped while she bitched,                            
Then the doc neatly stitched,                               
And that's why the boy is cockeyed.                         
                                                            
  591 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES                                 



Said the color blind Robert McKay,                          
"If you would, try to see it my way.                        
Though I'll tell you I've seen                              
Every red and each green,                                   
I perceive them as mere shades of grey."                    
                                                            
  592 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



Vascillators will know what I mean                          
Since I don't know just which way to lean.                  
I've been told that I might                                 
See things as black or white                                
But the truth lies somewhere in between.                    
                                                            
  593 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



There was a young fellow called Guy;                        
He could not look his friends in the eye.                   
As he faced their direction,                                
Because of a deflection,                                    
His eyes faced the floor and the sky.                       
                                                            
  594 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Arthur Pattaffy          



Stella is known for her eyes;                               
They are not quite the same size.                           
So small is the right,                                      
It won't admit light,                                       
While the left's like the moon on the rise.                 
                                                            
  595 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Macsam                   



In the eyes all the blues of the skies are,                 
And how varied the sizes of eyes are --                     
Why they come, some so small,                               
You scarce see them at all,                                 
While others are big round as pies are.                     
                                                            
  596 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



There was a young lady whose eyes (thighs?)                 
Were unique as to color and size.                           
When she opened them wide,                                  
People all turned aside                                     
And started away in surprise.                               
                                                            
  597 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Edward Lear              



There was a young lady of Flint,                            
Who had a most horrible squint.                             
She could scan the whole sky                                
With her uppermost eye,                                     
While the other was reading small print.                    
                                                            
  598 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES                                 



I bought glasses to put on my face,                         
And it's true that they look out of place.                  
But they help me see better                                 
When I'm writing a letter,                                  
Or counting from uno to tres.                               
                                                            
  599 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Mark A. Smeby            



A cross-eyed man dined out in Whextable,                    
And said "As for food, I am flextable."                     
But he very soon got                                        
In a helluva knot,                                          
When he tried to eat food from the nextable.                
                                                            
  600 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Joe Guerin               



I sit here and listen to Smetna                             
Awaiting the agent from Aetna.                              
I enjoyed the eclipse                                       
Though my optometrist                                       
Says I've burned a large hole in one retina.                
                                                            
  601 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9406



If we were all made to be blind,                            
Our sight, we would suddenly find;                          
We'd learn to look past                                     
Our looks and our class;                                    
And we'd all be a little more kind.                         
                                                            
  602 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        C F Mahan          TP9901



You've all heard of Larry O'Toole,                          
Of the beautiful town of Drumboole;                         
He had but one eye                                          
To Ogle you by,                                             
Oh murther, but that was a jewel!                           
                                                            
  603 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        W H Thackeray 1899  Bibby



This harlot would strip herself bare                        
To show that she had a nice pair.                           
When in bed with a guy,                                     
She'd remove her glass eye                                  
And let the poor slob fuck her there.                       
                                                            
  604 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        John Dohner         P8906



But afterward, she'd take his money                         
And stuff it away in her cunny.                             
She would say to this man,                                  
"Please return when you can.                                
I'll keep an eye out for you, Honey!"                       
                                                            
  605 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        John Dohner         P8906



Risque methods used prostitute Sue;                         
Her false eye she had learned to unscrew.                   
She'd just blinked-off Fred                                 
And liked it, so said,                                      
"Yo, I'll keep my eye out for you!"                         
                                                            
  606 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Jane D. Hughes      P9205



There once was a man named Beener                           
Who fucked the daughter of the dry cleaner.                 
She came in his eye,                                        
Then she said goodbye,                                      
And that was the last time he seen her.                     
                                                            
  607 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady from Sale (Manchester)               
Who lost her eyesight in a gale.                            
Of books, just one kind                                     
Which she gets from the blind,                              
But only if published in Braille.                           
                                                            
  608 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady named Grace,                         
Who had eyes in a very strange place.                       
She could sit on the hole                                   
Of a mouse or a mole,                                       
And stare the beast square in the face.                     
                                                            
  609 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES                            L1632



When retrieved from the auto collision,                     
Don said with the utmost derision,                          
"I wouldn't have swerved                                    
If the road hadn't curved,"                                 
Though the cause was monocular vision.                      
                                                            
  610 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Edwin J Weinstein        



There was an old man of Fullbright,                         
Who tends to wear glasses at night.                         
When it bored him to see,                                   
He refused them to be free                                  
Of his dreams. T'was considered all right.                  
                                                            
  611 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Jim Weaver Collection    



"Myopic" describes Angus Wright;                            
He really has problems with sight;                          
He simply can't tell,                                       
At least very well,                                         
Young nuns from streetwalkers at night.                     
                                                            
  612 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Armand E Singer       771



For night vision good as the day,                           
Chase NYCTALOPIA away,                                      
Always insisting                                            
Diet consisting                                             
Of adequate vitamin A.                                      
                                                            
  613 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Chris Papa               



That Duluthian hag it is said,                              
Had one glass eye in her head.                              
She'd pop it on out                                         
To insert a man's spout;                                    
Never saw -- but heard coming instead.                      
                                                            
  614 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES                                 



A man who was losing his vision                             
Said, "It's all 'cause I watch television."                 
He said, "It's not fair!                                    
Both my eyes have gone square,                              
And the pupils are changing position."                      
                                                            
  615 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Don Mulford              



At your age you will find this is true,                     
Through your eyes you will see something new.               
All your rods and your cones                                
Won't discern color tones.                                  
You won't know what is black or is blue.                    
                                                            
  616 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Thomas M. Patton    P9712



There was a young lady named Maggie                         
Whose eyes were atrociously baggy.                          
Beneath them the skin                                       
Dangled down to her chin,                                   
For her orbits were woefully saggy.                         
                                                            
  617 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Beelzebub                



There was an old lady of Rye,                               
With a terrible look in her eye.                            
No person would dare                                        
To respond to her stare,                                    
Or taste her hot blueberry pie!                             
                                                            
  618 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES                                 



Eyes are gateway to the soul;                               
Their beauty a sight to behold.                             
And in their depths,                                        
Their length and their breadths,                            
I could lose myself for time untold.                        
                                                            
  619 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Gearhart                 



A young man who rubbed at his eyes,                         
Found they swelled to a hidious size.                       
He could see a lot more                                     
That he had done before,                                    
But he wound up more expert than wise.                      
                                                            
  620 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Beelzebub                



There was a young woman whose eyes                          
Were of an extraordinary size.                              
When she tried hard,                                        
She could see every part                                    
Of her head! I am telling no lies!                          
                                                            
  621 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        IOPE                     



A near-sighted spinster named White                         
Wore a suit of pyjamas one night;                           
As she happened to pass                                     
In front of the glass,                                      
She exclaimed, "There's a man!" in delight.                 
                                                            
  622 ANATOMY - FACIAL - EYES        Linda Marsh Coll         



Jane is a girl that's pretty,                               
Jane is a wench that's witty;                               
Yet who would think                                         
Her breath does stink,                                      
And so it doth? That's pity.                                
                                                            
  623 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Robert Herrick      P9611



Confucious was once heard to utter                          
"Man with two tongues not stutter;                          
For with pride he savors,                                   
At same time both flavors,                                  
Of honorable girlfriend's love butter."                     
                                                            
  624 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       MrMalo                   



Buth a twith in the thaga conthinueth                       
When morthithithians inthpecthed hith thinewth,             
He had roth in his gumth,                                   
From dwinking with bumth,                                   
In leth than motht well-tho-do venueth.                     
                                                            
  625 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a man of Mysore,                                  
Who had a protuberant jaw.                                  
When he opened it wide,                                     
Or turned to one side,                                      
His head would get stuck in the door.                       
                                                            
  626 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Harold C. Bibby          



A Cambridge roue could arouse                               
Any girl that he liked, and carouse.                        
He'd have her in bed                                        
With a nod of his head...                                   
All -- by simply licking his brows.                         
                                                            
  627 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Stu Lucas           P9512



Be your speech Esperanto or cryptical,                      
Futuric or ancient Egyptical,                               
There is one common lingo                                   
That gets there by Jingo!                                   
If you gather my meaning -- the liptickle.                  
                                                            
  628 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



There was a cunnilinguist named Blick,                      
Who could administer a transoceanic lick.                   
He could tongue you to euphoria                             
While you were in Peoria,                                   
And he was in Ambarachik!                                   
                                                            
  629 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       H WHELCHEL               



In Cathay, a land very far flung,                           
There are prostitutes, some not quite young.                
Once such lady, I swear,                                    
Did avow and declare,                                       
"Why do you have a Mao Tse Tung?"                           
                                                            
  630 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



There was a young lady of Jarrow                            
Whose mouth was exceedingly narrow.                         
She ate with a spoon                                        
By the light of the moon,                                   
But all she could eat was the marrow.                       
                                                            
  631 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Punch, 1918         P9309



Our folks, Count and Countess Devore,                       
Claim nothing upsets them much more:                        
They always rebuke us                                       
For dredging up mucous                                      
And spitting it out on the floor.                           
                                                            
  632 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Armand E Singer       597



Sir Arthur Boddington-Phipps                                
Could peel an orange with his lips.                         
Said he with a sigh,                                        
"Unfortuntely, I                                            
Always choke on the pips."                                  
                                                            
  633 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH                                



The mouth of a lady in Kent                                 
Was terribly twisted and bent;                              
And one sudden cough                                        
Blew her spectacles off,                                    
And goodness knows where her hat went.                      
                                                            
  634 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Funfax Limericks         



As your fingernails over-bite,                              
 ou have to wear gloves overnight.                          
And during the day,                                         
Red pepper must spray                                       
And walk with your tongue in full sight.                    
                                                            
  635 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Irving Superior     P9107



How about a tongue a foot long?                             
You can love me even when you are gone.                     
You can lick me some more                                   
From outside the door,                                      
And if it were longer, Hong Kong!                           
                                                            
  636 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Anna Gates               



Such a long tongue would be bliss,                          
(In my dreams, it always is.)                               
But one thing scares me                                     
Even if he dares me,                                        
Such a guy I'll refuse to kiss.                             
                                                            
  637 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Tjarda                   



The mouth of a glutton named Moto                           
Was the size that no organ should grow to.                  
It could take in with ease                                  
Six carrots, ten peas,                                      
And a whole baked potato in toto.                           
                                                            
  638 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Linda Marsh Coll         



There was an Old Man of the South,                          
Who had an immoderate mouth;                                
He could swallow a dish                                     
Or a very large fish --                                     
The most popular man in the South!                          
(South San Francisco, that is.)                             
  639 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Edwardian Leer 033       



There was a young singer called Ida                         
Whose mouth became wider and wider.                         
One dark Winter's night,                                    
A man with poor sight                                       
Dropped several postcards inside her.                       
                                                            
  640 ANATOMY - FACIAL - MOUTH       Ron Rubin                



A girl with huge nostrils named Rose,                       
Enjoys getting fucked up the nose.                          
Though she always comes fast,                               
You can make her thrill last,                               
If you tickle her twat with your toes.                      
                                                            
  641 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Lims For Year - 01       



An unfortunate fellow named Rose                            
Had testicles hung from his nose;                           
They got in the way                                         
When he ate every day,                                      
And in blustery weather, they froze.                        
                                                            
  642 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Cap'n Bean          P0301



There once was a very large snoot;                          
In profile, it was kind of cute.                            
But the damn thing was large;                               
'Twas compared to a barge,                                  
And when blown, it would simply go "toot!"                  
                                                            
  643 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Jim Weaver Collection    



A noble old Roman, J. Caesar,                               
Had a typically large, Roman sneezer,                       
But the one of Pinocchio                                    
Stretched clear to Tokyo.                                   
Now that's what I call a beezer.                            
                                                            
  644 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Ed Wolfert          P8208



Old Ebenezer from Belize                                    
Blew his large nose off with a sneeze.                      
Without the protection                                      
Of nasal erection,                                          
In winter his sinuses freeze.                               
                                                            
  645 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                                 



While investigating our Jayne,                              
I checked out her cleavage again.                           
She swung to the right,                                     
And though a great sight,                                   
It's broked my node. Oh duh pain!                           
                                                            
  646 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Archie                   



Jayne, don't get all taken in by                            
The males in this newsgroup; They'll try                    
To get in your pants;                                       
Your sister'll be aunts,                                    
And most of them'll leave you to cry!                       
                                                            
  647 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Archie                   



I could be a really good friend,                            
Despite the nosejob and its bend.                           
Just give me a chance                                       
And a lambada dance --                                      
I'm just the same as all the men.                           
                                                            
  648 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Archie                   



So the rest of the night was spent                          
With my nose in a hospital tent.                            
Although badly bent,                                        
I had to pay rent,                                          
And now I just haven't a cent.                              
                                                            
  649 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Archie                   



Mary Lowes was picking her nare,                            
And couldn't find anything there.                           
But when reaching the bridge,                               
She found a small midge,                                    
Caught between a snot and a hair.                           
                                                            
  650 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                                 



If the size of her nose is distressing,                     
I suggest, while the lady's undressing,                     
That you cover her nose                                     
With her panties or hose,                                   
Before starting the pussy caressing.                        
                                                            
  651 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2024



A naturalist in Roselle                                     
Has developed a keen sense of smell;                        
Blindfolded, his game is                                    
To tell what your name is.                                  
But still, after all, what the hell?                        
                                                            
  652 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Morris Bishop       P8804



Like a glittering gem on a rose,                            
A dewdrop hung from father's nose--                         
Unwiped and suspended                                       
Until (puncture mended)                                     
We cried, "Good old Dad! Off she blows!"                    
                                                            
  653 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                            G2478



There was an old man of Melrose,                            
Who walked on the tips of his toes;                         
But they said, "It ain't pleasant                           
To see you at present,                                      
With forefinger stuck up your nose."                        
                                                            
  654 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Edwardian Leer 097       



A big-nosed Hawaiian young man,                             
Had a schnoz large and flat, like a fan.                    
On a windy day he                                           
Held his face to the lee,                                   
And his outrigger sailed to japan.                          
                                                            
  655 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                            T9707



A young man who sat in the dew,                             
Developed a horrible flu.                                   
He thought he'd feel better                                 
If his nose was less wetter,                                
So he stopped up his nostrils with glue.                    
                                                            
  656 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Edwin J Weinstein        



There is an old fellow called Mose                          
Who is blessed with a rather large nose.                    
At a road intersection                                      
He needs added protection,                                  
As it precedes him wherever he goes.                        
                                                            
  657 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Arthur Pattaffy          



If only we humans had trunks,                               
We'd lounge about like drunken skunks.                      
No need to roll o'er --                                     
Just sniff, suck or bore --                                 
Even do it from separate bunks.                             
                                                            
  658 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        H Welchel                



My children both have such intelligence,                    
Their brains must be bigger than elephants.                 
But their noses stick out                                   
Less than elephant snout,                                   
Which is good for their visual elegance.                    
                                                            
  659 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young Scot from Ben Lomocks,                    
Whose nose was as long as a muskox's.                       
While crossing the street,                                  
He tripped over his feet,                                   
And speared a cop in the buttocks.                          
                                                            
  660 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Marlene McCarty          



Did you hear that Hannah and Moses,                         
Had very peculiar noses.                                    
They often would sit                                        
And enjoy smilling shit,                                    
But they could not stand smelling roses.                    
                                                            
  661 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Chairman Steve           



In Owslebury town lived a maid,                             
Whose huge nose would cast a great shade.                   
The length of that schnozzle                                
Was more than my nozzle,                                    
So blow jobs were out, I'm afraid.                          
                                                            
  662 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                                 



A famous old person named Wells                             
Made millions by marketing smells;                          
For instance, the essence                                   
Of tomcat excrescence,                                      
At least so my history book tells.                          
                                                            
  663 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Armand E Singer       782



"Pierce my WHAT?! Have you holes in your head?              
I'd be maimed rolling over in bed.                          
A ring in YOUR nose                                         
Might be useful, god knows.                                 
You could then be more easily led!                          
                                                            
  664 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Kent,                            
Whose nose was terribly bent.                               
Some days, I suppose,                                       
He could follow his nose,                                   
And no one would know where he went.                        
                                                            
  665 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        R. Saxby                 



The proboscis you flaunt isn't cricket.                     
Could be best described "sticky wicket."                    
Your nose does repel                                        
Perhaps 'twill rebel                                        
And if it goes on strike? Picket!                           
                                                            
  666 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Jane D. Hughes      P9007



There was a young man of Montrose                           
Who had pockets in none of his clothes.                     
When asked by his lass                                      
Where he carried his brass,                                 
He said, "Darling, I pay through the nose."                 
                                                            
  667 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Arnold Bennet            



A nervous young fellow named Prickett                       
Would scratch at his nose and then pick it.                 
When onlookers jeered,                                      
He'd yell, "You are weird,                                  
So take your own finger and stick it!"                      
                                                            
  668 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Armand E Singer       538



Please don't pick your nose in your car!                    
Have you quite forgotten you are                            
Right in public view                                        
Where all can see you?                                      
My pleasant drive home you will mar.                        
                                                            
  669 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                                 



A nudest resort at Bernares,                                
Took a midget in, all unawares,                             
But he made members weep,                                   
For he just couldn't keep,                                  
His nose out of private affairs.                            
                                                            
  670 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                            L1242



There once was a girl named Leaner;                         
Her nose was as long as a weiner.                           
She could eat enough meat                                   
To last her a week;                                         
You'd know it's the truth if you'd seen her.                
                                                            
  671 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Chickenlady              



There was a young lady named Josie,                         
Whose uncle's proboscis was rosy.                           
When she said to him, "Uncle                                
Is that a carbuncle?"                                       
He tersely replied, "Don't be nosy."                        
                                                            
  672 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Langford Reed            



The nostrils of William Brown                               
Point upward (like chimneys) not down;                      
He runs helter-skelter                                      
In drizzle, for shelter,                                    
Or else he undoubtedly drown.                               
                                                            
  673 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Peter Wilkins            



A studious fellow named Mose                                
The grindstone applied to his nose.                         
When his nose wore to hell,                                 
They asked how does he smell.                               
He said, certainly not like a rose.                         
                                                            
  674 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2712



There was a young man from Wilkes-Barre,                    
Who, at following girls, was a star.                        
His vision was poor,                                        
His hearing unsure,                                         
But he sniffed pheromones from afar.                        
                                                            
  675 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Isaac Asimov             



A famous old speaker named Costral                          
Was noted for outpourings rostral.                          
But he gained all his fame                                  
And established his name                                    
For extensively probing his nostril.                        
                                                            
  676 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2521



"Hello there!  Oh, how the wind blows!                      
Mrs. Jackson?  So how is your nose?                         
Rhinoplasty's a bore;                                       
Are you terribly sore?                                      
Well goodbye; see you later at Joe's."                      
                                                            
  677 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Peter                    



Mrs. Jackson's my neighbor whose nose                       
Was so odd that she said, "I propose                        
To have surgery."  So                                       
I said, "Give it a go,                                      
For it looks like a gentleman's hose."                      
                                                            
  678 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Peter                    



You know the old joke I suppose.                            
(She was sick of it, God only knows.)                       
She was known on our street                                 
As "Old Fuck Nose".  "Oh Pete,"                             
She said, "Thank you for hearing my woes."                  
                                                            
  679 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Peter                    



Then she kissed me and whispered, "I'm Rose;                
And I secretly love you.  My nose                           
Gives a twitch and a throb                                  
When I think of your knob                                   
And I fondle my nose as it grows."                          
                                                            
  680 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Peter                    



"Mrs. Jackson!" I said, "Don't expose                       
Yourself!  Please will you cover your nose.                 
It's embarrassing me,                                       
And I think we should be                                    
Merely friends till the surgery shows...                    
                                                            
  681 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Peter                    



...An improvement.  Let's see how it goes.                  
Until then I just can't call you Rose,                      
Mrs. Jackson."  "Okay",                                     
She said walking away                                       
With her nose hanging down to her toes.                     
                                                            
  682 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Peter                    



So yesterday speaking in prose,                             
We agreed to meet later at Joe's.                           
I've forgotten my woes,                                     
Now I've noticed her nose.                                  
(Mrs. Jackson; I love you, my Rose.)                        
                                                            
  683 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Jim Weaver Collection    



When Tommy first saw Colonel Peake                          
(Tommy is five and can speak),                              
He said, "Auntie Rose,                                      
Does he put on his nose                                     
The same stuff you paint on your cheek?"                    
                                                            
  684 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Linda Marsh Coll         



A man with bad allergy woes                                 
Put a "Breath-Right" strip on his nose.                     
He awoke in the morn                                        
In pain, and forlorn,                                       
For one nostril was stuck to his toes!                      
                                                            
  685 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lass from Tralee,                         
Who was stung on her nose by a bee.                         
Her proboscis did swell                                     
And the Irish-folk tell                                     
How it actually stretched sea-to-sea.                       
                                                            
  686 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Pam Steadmen       TP9804



A whaler captain's daughter named Rose                      
Had quite big nostrils on her nose.                         
The boys after supper,                                      
Would stick themselves up her,                              
And then they cry out, "Thar she blows!"                    
                                                            
  687 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Anon                     



There was a young lawyer named Pique                        
Who was blessed with a prominent beak.                      
But one mortified client                                    
Grew extremely defiant                                      
And gave that proboscis a tweak.                            
                                                            
  688 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Bennet Cerf Coll    P9210



There was a brown-noser named Moses,                        
Who chanced to be born with two noses.                      
He could elicit grunts                                      
From two bosses at once,                                    
And for this he got bouquets of roses.                      
                                                            
  689 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2197



You've been bad, you old grouch, Ebeneezer!                 
For she wants something different to please her.            
You've not thought, I suppose,                              
Of poking your hose                                         
As far as you can up her sneezer?                           
                                                            
  690 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE        Cyberhog            T9801



My sweet Marylou, Heaven knows,                             
Is blessed with a big bulbous nose.                         
Sometimes, while she gums me,                               
She'll hold it quite chumly;                                
Poor thing, she thinks it's my globes!                      
                                                            
  691 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                                 



There once was a lady called Rose                           
Who resembled a rather large hose.                          
When asked (you can guess)                                  
Where she bought that odd dress,                            
She said "That's not my dress, that's my nose."             
                                                            
  692 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                                 



There was a lad from Kent                                   
Whose nose was long and bent;                               
The women did shy him,                                      
But now they all buy him,                                   
Playing "Guess where his nose just went!"                   
                                                            
  693 ANATOMY - FACIAL - NOSE                                 



An elderly lady from Crewe                                  
Dropped her false teeth down the loo.                       
She pulled on the chain,                                    
They popped up again,                                       
And bit her, the silly old moo.                             
                                                            
  694 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Funfax Linmericks        



There was an old man named Heath                            
Who mislaid his pearly false teeth.                         
Laid them down on a chair,                                  
Plumb forgot they were there,                               
Then sat down and got bit from beneath.                     
                                                            
  695 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



There once was an old lady from Heath,                      
Who sat on her husbands false teeth.                        
"OH LORD! Bless his heart,"                                 
She said with a start,                                      
"He has bitten the part that he eeth."                      
                                                            
  696 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       VOL 7                    



During foreplay, a youth from Duluth                        
Got excited and lost a front tooth;                         
And when deep in situ,                                      
He was bitten in two --                                     
Which should teacch him to be so uncouth!                   
                                                            
  697 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Hugh Oliver         A068A



On a date a young couple embraces                           
In one of those dark trysting places,                       
But with one kiss he tires,                                 
For he finds it requires                                    
Fifteen minutes to unlock their braces.                     
                                                            
  698 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       A. N. Wilkins       P8405



Way back in my days as thirst-quencher,                     
Eileen  was  my  greatest  adventure.                       
She'd grimace and frown                                     
Just as she bit down,                                       
'Fore splitting her tongue and a denture.                   
                                                            
  699 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       SFA                      



A starving Red Indian Chief                                 
Bit open a tin of corned beef;                              
Then he said to his squaw,                                  
"I can open no more,                                        
For I've shnapped sheventeen of m' teef."                   
                                                            
  700 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Funfax Limericks         



A sexless old lady named Beth,                              
Polished up her false teeth and her breath,                 
Till her smile was so white,                                
Just from Peppermint-Brite,                                 
That sixty men banged her to death.                         
                                                            
  701 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                           G0525



A very partucular floozie,                                  
Once fought with a trollop named Susie;                     
He teeth were all lost,                                     
As they tumbled and tossed,                                 
And therefore she cannot be chewsy.                         
                                                            
  702 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Margaret A. Murdock P8312



There once was an ugly old whore,                           
Who could charge double or more                             
Than all of the young'uns                                   
'Cause she had two tongues,                                 
And of teeth she had only four.                             
                                                            
  703 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Karen                    



A hygenic young miss from out West,                         
Asked the cowboy who sat on her chest,                      
"Will semen cause decay?"                                   
"No ma'am," I heard say.                                    
"It's the secret ingredient of Crest!"                      
                                                            
  704 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Chris Bolivar            



While walking one day on the heath,                         
I saw something glisten.  Beneath                           
An old chestnut tree,                                       
And staring at me,                                          
Was a brand new, complete set of teeth.                     
                                                            
  705 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Tiddy Ogg                



I'd given all my stock and debentures                       
To learn of the arcane adventures,                          
By which twist and turns                                    
These strange oral furn-                                    
Ishings came hither, namely these dentures.                 
                                                            
  706 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Tiddy Ogg                



I've studied dentologists screeds,                          
And learned that once from the mouth freed,                 
They often will tug                                         
Themselves from the mug                                     
Where they're stored, and escape here to breed.             
                                                            
  707 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Tiddy Ogg                



I'm told that the locals at night                           
Will use ultra-violet light,                                
And lure them with rashers                                  
And net those wee gnashers,                                 
Whenever they come for a bite.                              
                                                            
  708 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Tiddy Ogg                



So if at the eve of the day,                                
You venture out Beaulieu Heath way,                         
And hear a strange clacking,                                
It's no one attacking,                                      
But simply those choppers at play.                          
                                                            
  709 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old man in Swift Current                       
Whose teeth looked like real ones, but weren't.             
Although he was toothless,                                  
His bite could be ruthless,                                 
For dentures were not a deterrent.                          
                                                            
  710 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Gerry Busch              



A lovely old gal named Estelle,                             
A proper and prim southern belle,                           
Created some doubt,                                         
When dentures came out,                                     
And into the punchbowl they fell.                           
                                                            
  711 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Observer                 



There was an old geezer called Jack                         
Who went down on old Doris's crack;                         
But his dentures shot out                                   
When she came with a shout                                  
And got jammed up her pussy, alack.                         
                                                            
  712 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



Gangsta' Rapper, Big Killer C. Townes,                      
Worshiped here, also in Epsom Downs.                        
Had his teeth all rebuilt                                   
With bright diamonds and gilt.                              
His grins now flash the stars in his crowns.                
                                                            
  713 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Loren Fitzhugh      P0101



A poor toothless fellow named Keith                         
Had not one above nor beneath.                              
For a dollar he bought                                      
Dentures clumsily wrought.                                  
Friends asked, "Where did you get those buck teeth?"        
                                                            
  714 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Bob Giandomenico    P9409



Edentulous mouths with a lisp                               
Won't enunciate quite so crisp,                             
And sometimes the spray                                     
From what they might say                                    
Is more that just a little wisp.                            
                                                            
  715 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Daniel Ford              



There once was a lady in Bantry                             
Who kept her false teeth in the pantry,                     
All covered in jam                                          
And sunk in a ham,                                          
Hung up by a string from a gantry.                          
                                                            
  716 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Jim Weaver Collection    



I sometimes blast Scotsmen and such;                        
I'm part Scots myself -- just a touch.                      
It is my belief                                             
That I've got Scottish teeth                                
'Cause they're false and they cost me too much.             
                                                            
  717 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Tony Burrell             



There was an old man of Tarentum,                           
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em.               
When they asked him the cost,                               
Of what he had lost,                                        
He replied, "I can't say, I just rent 'em."                 
                                                            
  718 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Explosion of Lims   P0312



An accident really uncanny                                  
Befell a respectable granny.                                
She sat down in a chair                                     
While her false teeth were there,                           
And bit herself right in the fanny.                         
                                                            
  719 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



There was an old man of Blackheath,                         
Who sat on his set of false teeth.                          
Said he, with a start,                                      
"O Lord, bless my heart!                                    
I've bitten myself underneath!"                             
                                                            
  720 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Explosion of Lims   P0311



At the Plaza she was nobby,                                 
Ate a salad of kohlrabi.                                    
She failed quite to squelch                                 
A resonant belch;                                           
Her teeth wound up in the lobby.                            
                                                            
  721 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Jim Jambor          P9103



Never before have I seen                                    
A lady whose teeth do so gleam.                             
You can turn out the lights,                                
Close her mouth up tight,                                   
But boy, do those teeth still beam!                         
                                                            
  722 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Javeal                   



There once was a girl from Duluth                           
Who was still quite early in youth.                         
She would walk for a mile,                                  
Never cracking a smile,                                     
Because all that she had was one tooth!                     
                                                            
  723 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Reminisce           P9310



When he went to see old Dr. Keith                           
For the miseries all down beneath,                          
The man said, "There's no doubt                             
You must have your teeth out."                              
So he handed the doc his false teeth.                       
                                                            
  724 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       A. N. Wilkins       P8306



And then there was Margie from Totton,                      
Whose breasts really strained the thin cotton,              
But no, I don't miss her,                                   
For when I did kiss her,                                    
I found that her teeth were all rotten.                     
                                                            
  725 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



There was an old lady of Crewe,                             
Who dropped her false teeth in the stew.                    
Said the sensitive waiter,                                  
"It's horrid to cater                                       
For careless old females like you."                         
                                                            
  726 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Langford Reed     (Bibby)



There was a young lady of Keethly,                          
Whose principle charms in her teeth lay.                    
When they fell out on her plate,                            
She called out, "I hate                                     
Mishaps of this kind, they are beathly."                    
                                                            
  727 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



The madame told old Jerry Purvis                            
"You're making my girls too damn nervous.                   
If you stick to your plan                                   
To park dentures in Anne,                                   
We must charge at least DOUBLE for service.                 
                                                            
  728 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Grand Prix Lim  730      



There once was a lady from Flushing,                        
Who took out her dentures for brushing.                     
If only she'd flossed,                                      
They wouldn't be lost                                       
And now she can't speak without gushing.                    
                                                            
  729 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Frank Sfa                



"I'll bet you won't try it," said Keith,                    
After seeing the girl on the heath.                         
I accepted his dare,                                        
And touched Flora May THERE--                               
And promptly lost three of my teeth.                        
                                                            
  730 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       John Miller 0063         



In grossness, there's no one beneath                        
A disgusting young fellow named Keith;                      
For he formed a whole meal                                  
That he felt had appeal,                                    
From the chunks that he flossed from his teeth.             
                                                            
  731 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Cap'n Bean          P0110



There was a young lad called Davy,                          
Who hated the food in the Navy.                             
He couldn't have beef,                                      
In case his false teeth                                     
Would drop out and fall in the gravy.                       
                                                            
  732 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       R. Coleman               



A farmer's wife from old Argenta                            
Lost a filling from one of her dentia.                      
She looked for some Ag                                      
To add to the crag;                                         
A silver lining to her predicamentia.                       
                                                            
  733 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Anon                     



Whenever my dentures get sore,                              
I think of my teeth of before--                             
The toothaches, the fillings,                               
The root canal drillings                                    
With Marquis de Sade hov'ring o'er.                         
                                                            
  734 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Irving Superior     P9107



This lady I knew in my youth,                               
In the front of her mouth lacked a tooth.                   
She could whistle quite neatly                              
But trying to smile sweetly,                                
Caused no end of laughter, forsooth.                        
                                                            
  735 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       C M                      



There once was a girl from Duluth,                          
Who made use of only one tooth.                             
When she was asked why,                                     
She'd simply reply,                                         
"To use more than one is uncouth!"                          
                                                            
  736 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Carson                   



A dirty dock worker named Booth,                            
Whose manners were very uncouth,                            
Would spit on the floor,                                    
Let farts by the score,                                     
And open beer cans with one tooth.                          
                                                            
  737 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Armand E Singer       991



His brother, a lisper named Luther,                         
Was possibly even uncouther;                                
Even during mass                                            
He'd grab some girls ass,                                   
And brag he intended to "gooth her."                        
                                                            
  738 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Armand E Singer       992



There was an old lady from Wan,                             
Who let out a terrible yawn;                                
Her dentures fell out                                       
And she gave out a shout--                                  
She was about to take them to pawn.                         
                                                            
  739 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Mrs. Clarke              



I think Colgate's boss should insist on                     
A slogan that puts a new twist on                           
The way folks are led                                       
To buy Colgate instead:                                     
"Now, lighten your smile with Phlogiston!"                  
                                                            
  740 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Norman Storer       P0211



There was an old lady from Neath,                           
Who got her thread caught in her teeth.                     
In a glass by her bed,                                      
Sat teeth, needle, and thread,                              
With her sampler dangling beneath.                          
                                                            
  741 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



There was a young fellow named Clift                        
Who gave a young lady a lift.                               
And he marveled the sight                                   
Of her teeth shining bright,                                
So she gave him her teeth as a gift.                        
                                                            
  742 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Albin Chaplin   3024-2501



No matter how grouchy you're feeling,                       
You'll find the smile more or less healing.                 
It grows in a wreath                                        
All around the front teeth,                                 
Thus preserving the face from congealing.                   
                                                            
  743 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Anthony Euwer            



With a dazzling smile on his face,                          
He'd a brand new front tooth in the place                   
That was empty last night,                                  
And it's shiny and white,                                   
'Cause it came from the store in a case.                    
                                                            
  744 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Mary Sullivan            



There once was a lady of Flushing,                          
Who took out her teeth for the brushing.                    
Which was a mistake                                         
Since they were not fake;                                   
Her gums are now used for cock mushing.                     
                                                            
  745 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Travis Brasell           



"How come you are looking so pale?"                         
Asked Pete of his granddaughter Gayle,                      
Who stared at his glass.                                    
"I was thirsty, my lass,                                    
And I've watered my teeth in the ale."                      
                                                            
  746 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309



A filthy old trout from Havana,                             
Her teeth looked just like a piana;                         
Some black and some white,                                  
Oh such was her plight,                                     
She could only just suck a banana!                          
                                                            
  747 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



He's prone to hallucination                                 
And premature ejaculation.                                  
His hair is just fuzz,                                      
But I'm staying because                                     
Toothless gums still hold fascination.                      
                                                            
  748 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Jim Weaver Collection    



Although Ruth has given me glances,                         
Implying with her I had chances,                            
The fact she's near toothless,                              
Means I must be Ruthless,                                   
And firmly refuse her advances.                             
                                                            
  749 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



Refuse her advances?  Oh come,                              
She might be too ancient to plumb,                          
But if given the chance                                     
Of a suck on your lance,                                    
Then she'll gum you to heaven, old chum.                    
                                                            
  750 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH                                



A short little man from Quebec                              
Had a toothache and went for a check.                       
When he wanted to know                                      
Why the tooth had to go,                                    
He was told, "Ees toulouse, Lautrec."                       
                                                            
  751 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Macsam                   



An aged shotputter named Carl                               
Used to pull back his lips in a snarl,                      
Revealing beneath,                                          
Several rows of white teeth                                 
And a bridge he'd had fitted in Arles.                      
(Van Gogh painting - The Bridges at Arles)                  
  752 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Michael Palin            



I wish I'd looked after me teeth.                           
And spotted the perils beneath                              
All the toffees I chewed                                    
And the sweet stick food.                                   
I wish I'd looked after me teeth.                           
                                                            
  753 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



I wish I'd been that much more willin',                     
When I had more tooth there than fillin',                   
To give up gobstoppers,                                     
From respect to me choppers,                                
And to buy something else with me shillin'.                 
                                                            
  754 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



When I think of the lollies I licked                        
And the licorice allsorts I picked,                         
Sherbet dabs, big and little,                               
All that hard peanut brittle,                               
My conscience gets horribly pricked.                        
                                                            
  755 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



My mother, she told me no end,                              
"If you got a tooth, you've a friend."                      
I was young then, and careless,                             
My toothbrush was hairless,                                 
I never had much time to spend.                             
                                                            
  756 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



I showed them the toothpaste, all right,                    
I flashed it about late at night,                           
But up-and-down brushin'                                    
And pokin' and fussin',                                     
Didn't seem worth the time -- I could bite!                 
                                                            
  757 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



If I'd known I was paving the way                           
To cavities, caps and decay,                                
The murder of fillin's,                                     
Injections and drillin's,                                   
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.                        
                                                            
  758 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



So I lay in the old dentist's chair,                        
And I gaze up his nose in despair,                          
And his drill it does whine,                                
In those molars of mine,                                    
"Two amalgam," he'll say, "for in there."                   
                                                            
  759 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



How I laughed at my mother's false teeth,                   
As they foamed in the waters beneath.                       
But now comes the reconin',                                 
It's me they are beckonin'!                                 
I wish I'd looked after me teeth.                           
                                                            
  760 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Pam Ayres                



DECIDUOUS drop will bequeath,                               
To gap-toothed smile's, dental wreath,                      
And earnest request                                         
To look at one's best,                                      
"For my Christmas, those two front teeth!"                  
                                                            
  761 ANATOMY - FACIAL - TEETH       Chris Papa               



The world is pushing for "svelte",                          
For a waist that can fit in a belt!                         
Support by suspenders                                       
Shows that "ascenders"                                      
Are made of fat that won't melt.                            
                                                            
  762 ANATOMY - FAT                  Maurice Zallen      P8402



My advice to those persons obese,                           
Who cannot their own weight decrease:                       
"When you keep on a tryin',                                 
Avoid chickens that's fryin';                               
Remember the odiferous grease."                             
                                                            
  763 ANATOMY - FAT                  Edwin J Weinstein        



Critics savaged the wordplay by tons,                       
Of an amply hipped writer, Ms Munze.                        
Each critique she would hear,                               
Gave offense to her ear,                                    
As reviewers would bat on her puns.                         
                                                            
  764 ANATOMY - FAT                  Bob Giandomenico    P0211



It is just one of life's little glitches,                   
That recently had me in stitches.                           
It's not that I'm fat,                                      
Or anything like that,                                      
But I'm getting to big for my britches.                     
                                                            
  765 ANATOMY - FAT                  Jim Weaver Collection    



"Child, children are starving," my late                     
Loving mom said. "Clean up your plate."                     
I still do in good taste                                    
But some goes to my waist                                   
And I never can lose any weight.                            
                                                            
  766 ANATOMY - FAT                  Dorman John Grace   P9504



Mother Nature's amiss when you find                         
Your "trim figure" is all in your mind.                     
When the pants you just wore                                
Look the same aft and fore,                                 
And are convex before and behind.                           
                                                            
  767 ANATOMY - FAT                  Jane D. Hughes      P9107



I wish you would sit in a chair,                            
My sofa-bound sweet pomme de terre.                         
The couch has two dips                                      
From your weighty hips.                                     
Oh why must you always sit there?                           
                                                            
  768 ANATOMY - FAT                  Bill Taylor         P9808



I'm a victim of sneak snack attack;                         
Weight I've lost has begun to come back.                    
My nightmare is soon                                        
I'll become a balloon.                                      
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack.                       
                                                            
  769 ANATOMY - FAT                  Esther Kock         P0010



Phenylpropylamine                                           
Can help you become very lean.                              
But the FDA folks                                           
Have linked it to strokes,                                  
Putting you in a black limousine.                           
                                                            
  770 ANATOMY - FAT                  Dr Limerick  11-06-00    



Dieticians won't leave folks in peace;                      
They berate them for being obese.                           
But they'd be unemployed                                    
If all fat were destroyed.                                  
So how smart is the wish for decrease.                      
                                                            
  771 ANATOMY - FAT                  Prof M-G                 



There is only one way to get thin                           
And get rid of that big double chin,                        
So if you are stout,                                        
The secret is out--                                         
Stop shoveling the groceries in.                            
                                                            
  772 ANATOMY - FAT                  Limber Limericks    P9502



Is entropy hidden in genes,                                 
Or does it act by other means?                              
Its melodramatic effects                                    
Hide until one detects                                      
That it's driven the flesh past the seams.                  
                                                            
  773 ANATOMY - FAT                  J Boehm                  



In three years from today, I'll be thin!                    
(The last four years -- quite fat I have been.              
'Cause I read: Every Seven                                  
(Not ten or eleven)                                         
Years, I get a brand-spanking-new skin!                     
                                                            
  774 ANATOMY - FAT                  Friar              TP9807



Halloween through Super Bowl Sunday;                        
Serial parties and holidays.                                
Three months at the trough,                                 
But we'll take it off.                                      
We'll go on a diet...some day.                              
                                                            
  775 ANATOMY - FAT                  Dr Limerick  11-01-00    



To be one who always has been                               
Angular, svelte and fashionably thin.                       
There are some folks, alack,                                
Who get dressed on their back,                              
So that gravity tucks the gut in.                           
                                                            
  776 ANATOMY - FAT                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



If you'd rather be stouter, not thinner,                    
Then eat goat-milk fudge for dinner;                        
Daily, eat just one pound                                   
And you'll soon be quite round;                             
This regime is a guaranteed winner.                         
                                                            
  777 ANATOMY - FAT                  Robin K. Willoughby P8402



Fat Tuesday is here and has passed                          
Right by all of us so damned fast,                          
I just wish I knew how                                      
Fat to be.  Like a sow?                                     
Or maybe reduced to half-assed?                             
                                                            
  778 ANATOMY - FAT                                           



A repulsive fat woman named Orkin                           
Disapproved of men, leering and dorkin'.                    
"I never give head,                                         
'Cause I hate men," she said.                               
"My flesh creeps at the mere thought of porkin'."           
                                                            
  779 ANATOMY - FAT                  Alexander Baron          



There was a young lady from Bruges,                         
Whose figure was vulgar and huge.                           
She felt powder and paint                                   
Would make her look quaint.                                 
She was too heavy handed with rouge.                        
                                                            
  780 ANATOMY - FAT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



She put on a sweater, bright red,                           
Which was tight going over her head.                        
She was not very tall;                                      
She stood outside the mall,                                 
Choking on what she thought was bread.                      
                                                            
  781 ANATOMY - FAT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



When she stood there, she didn't look better.               
In her mouth someone posted a letter.                       
He said "You've made it damp,                               
And you've swallowed the stamp;                             
And you'd better change your red sweater."                  
                                                            
  782 ANATOMY - FAT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



The postman who delivered her letter,                       
Was a bloke who loved her tight sweater!                    
When he tried to pursue                                     
An ardour or two,                                           
He was cooled by her dog -- a red setter!                   
                                                            
  783 ANATOMY - FAT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



An over-sexed fellow named Beetie                           
Remarked of his overnight sweetie,                          
"If just one pound she'd shed,                              
She'd be kicked out of bed,                                 
For I want a sweetie who's meatie!"                         
                                                            
  784 ANATOMY - FAT                  Grand Prix Lim   87      



There's a fat-farm down Mexico way,                         
Where the rich and affluent play --                         
Where last year's debutantes                                
Who don't fit in their pants                                
Can rough it on Lo-cal flambe.                              
                                                            
  785 ANATOMY - FAT                  Arthur Deex         P8402



Eating dessert is a pleasure,                               
Especially when I'm at leisure.                             
I simply refrain                                            
From checking my gain                                       
In weight.  Or my waistband to measure.                     
                                                            
  786 ANATOMY - FAT                  Timothy Torkildson       



God of Metabolism, unkind,                                  
On my waist twenty pounds do I find.                        
In my earlier years                                         
I could eat without fears.                                  
Please change back your dietious mind.                      
                                                            
  787 ANATOMY - FAT                  Jane D. Hughes      P9104



Pigging out is what I do;                                   
I can't even tie my shoe.                                   
My gut hangs out so                                         
And makes my legs bow;                                      
Aren't you glad that you are you?                           
                                                            
  788 ANATOMY - FAT                                           



After eating all those jelly beans,                         
I'm looking for some other means                            
To keep my ass covered,                                     
'Cause I have discovered,                                   
I no longer can zip up my jeans.                            
                                                            
  789 ANATOMY - FAT                  Carol                    



I once was a fat as a blimp,                                
And it made me walk with a limp.                            
To avoid getting fatter,                                    
I resolved the matter,                                      
So instead of indulging, I skimp.                           
                                                            
  790 ANATOMY - FAT                  Frances Dunbar      P9202



His mother had urged a life clerical,                       
But his yearnings were gastro-enterical.                    
So he cast in his fate                                      
With the Fathers Oblate,                                    
And was merrily clerically spherical.                       
                                                            
  791 ANATOMY - FAT                  John E Maywood           



A girl who weighs many an oz.                               
Used language I will not pronoz.;                           
For a fellow unkind,                                        
Pulled her chair out behind,                                
He wanted to see if she'd boz.                              
                                                            
  792 ANATOMY - FAT                  C L Mannock (Reed)(Bibby)



There was a young lady name Jo,                             
Who was padded from head to her toe.                        
She was hit by a truck,                                     
Which was very bad luck.                                    
She's still bouncing, as far as we know.                    
                                                            
  793 ANATOMY - FAT                                           



A butcher who lived in Cologne                              
The shape of young girls did bemoan.                        
He said, "Give me a Hunky                                   
Who is big fat and chunky --                                
I like plenty of meat on the bone.                          
                                                            
  794 ANATOMY - FAT                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1999



A glib little beer-buff from Troon,                         
Says slim girls will cause him to swoon.                    
A girl with no waist                                        
Is of course to his taste,                                  
With his gut like a pregnant balloon.                       
                                                            
  795 ANATOMY - FAT                  Bill Greenwell           



A lama from Outer Mongolia                                  
Had fantasies rather less holia.                            
Like poking his stubbie                                     
In girls who were chubby,                                   
Or even more rolia-polia.                                   
                                                            
  796 ANATOMY - FAT                  Peter Wilkins            



Consider a body that's plumpy,                              
Corpulent, paunchy, or lumpy.                               
It's probably bulging                                       
From overindulging,                                         
Becoming too rumpy and dumpy.                               
                                                            
  797 ANATOMY - FAT                  R. J. Winkler       P8402



As I talked to the friendly bellhop,                        
I asked if guests ever wife-swap.                           
He said, "Yes they do;                                      
I've seen quite a few;                                      
But first, see a good body shop."                           
                                                            
  798 ANATOMY - FAT                  Al Willis           P9603



The language "As fat as a pig"                              
Denotes one obese or too big.                               
What comes to my mind,                                      
Though somewhat unkind,                                     
I'm sending to LIMERICK SIG.                                
(SIG - special interest group)                              
  799 ANATOMY - FAT                  R. J. Winkler       P8402



There was a huge fat man named Lovett,                      
Who said, "It's sweets that I covet.                        
This candy I crave,                                         
Will send me to my grave,                                   
And I am so sick and tired of it."                          
                                                            
  800 ANATOMY - FAT                  Observer                 



I once had a spring in my gait;                             
It helped me to never be late.                              
But now I'm a lump;                                         
My friends call me plump;                                   
You suppose it was something I ate?                         
                                                            
  801 ANATOMY - FAT                  Hunny                    



My bride could not stifle her mirth,                        
When the Windsor collapsed from my girth.                   
As I gathered my wits                                       
Amid splinters and bits,                                    
Ms. Scruple quadrupled its worth!                           
(Sat Even Post prize winner April 1988)                     
  802 ANATOMY - FAT                  Allan Ottley        P8901



Queen Titania said to King Oberon,                          
I can't get this blasted pullover on.                       
It's getting too tight,                                     
And try though I might,                                     
It's that SPAM that has put all that blubber on.            
                                                            
  803 ANATOMY - FAT                  Mike O'Conner            



To his father, a youngster named Treadwell                  
Said, "You don't seem to fit on a sled well."               
His father got mad                                          
At the insolent lad,                                        
And spanked his behind in a shed well.                      
                                                            
  804 ANATOMY - FAT                  William K. Alsop    P9209



There was a fat man from Kuwait                             
Who couldn't reduce his great weight.                       
When he flew to Carlisle,                                   
He was blocking the aisle,                                  
So he then had to travel as freight.                        
                                                            
  805 ANATOMY - FAT                  Diana Pritchard          



The truth about me is such that,                            
You don't know if I'm skinny or fat.                        
I squeeze through small places,                             
But fill up large spaces;                                   
Now how's it that I manage that?                            
                                                            
  806 ANATOMY - FAT                                           



Two sisters who lived in Manhattan                          
Wore clothes of extravagant pattern.                        
A shocking pink suit                                        
Made the slim one look cute,                                
But it didn't do much for the fat 'un.                      
                                                            
  807 ANATOMY - FAT                  John Dole           P9705



Enough of this lewdness! In haste                           
Should I duct tape my belly?  The taste                     
And effect of some years                                    
Drinking ciders and beers,                                  
I admit has expanded my waist.                              
                                                            
  808 ANATOMY - FAT                                           



A procrastinator named Kate,                                
Said, "I am resigned to my fate.                            
Though I don't eat much                                     
Of Twinkies and such,                                       
I have a big problem with 'wait'"!                          
                                                            
  809 ANATOMY - FAT                  Observer                 



There once was an actor who dreamed                         
Of star roles and bowls of ice cream.                       
Though fame was not his,                                    
His waist size sure is;                                     
Now through Weight Watchers club he careens.                
                                                            
  810 ANATOMY - FAT                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A charming youg lady called Dot,                            
Likes to go to Weightwatcher's a lot                        
Few men tend to go                                          
Since they all seem to know                                 
That a twat every weighTWATcher's got!                      
                                                            
  811 ANATOMY - FAT                                           



You fatties who fail to comply                              
With a weight-losing plan may decry                         
Becoming a stouter                                          
Depressed down-and-outer,                                   
But deep, deep, DEEP down you'll know why.                  
                                                            
  812 ANATOMY - FAT                  Jack Kevorkian           



An old English woman named Jones                            
Ate nothing but butter and scones.                          
She kept eating until                                       
She had eaten her fill,                                     
And found she weighed twenty-nine stones.                   
(29 * 14 = 406 pounds)                                      
  813 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Warrick Elrod            



A gourmand, quite wide in the tracks,                       
No doubt, from too many snacks;                             
Watched her hips and thighs                                 
Grow to such size,                                          
That she busted right out of her slacks.                    
                                                            
  814 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Observer           TP9901



A regiment, monstrous, of 'wimmen'                          
Decided one day to go swimmin'.                             
When in jumped that army,                                   
It caused a tsunami...                                      
I think they could do with some slimmin'.                   
                                                            
  815 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Peter Wilkins            



A fat-fannied farmgirl named Myrtle                         
Started to put on a girdle                                  
One Sunday at 2:00.                                         
By the time she was through,                                
All the milk in her six cows did curdle.                    
                                                            
  816 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Michael Weinstein   P8402



This girl was so fat from Calais,                           
That when trying to use a bidet,                            
She was in a demise,                                        
'Cause when spreading her thighs,                           
She was still twelve inches away!                           
                                                            
  817 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Laurence Craft           



Yo momma weighs five hundred pound;                         
Her huge crack is sticky and brown.                         
Much worse than that,                                       
She's so fucking fat,                                       
Her farts make a gurgling sound.                            
(Her farts go the wrong way around.)                        
  818 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         H Whelchel               



You say that your mom got new hose?                         
The watering kind, I suppose.                               
Now go around back                                          
And wash down her crack,                                    
Add cologne that smells like a rose.                        
                                                            
  819 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Frank Fazed              



Grace weighed nearly five hundred pounds.                   
He husband-intended said, "Zounds!                          
To me, chief of sinners --                                  
Who must pay for dinners --                                 
It is clear beyond doubt, Grace abounds!"                   
                                                            
  820 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Laurence Perrine    P8402



There once was a woman so fat,                              
That craters would form when she sat.                       
Once they filled with rain,                                 
They never would drain;                                     
Those great lakes are still full, at that!                  
                                                            
  821 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER                                  



His bride was the Princess of Bali;                         
Over four hundred pounds did she tally.                     
Her erogenous zone                                          
He could not find alone,                                    
But was found on a map from McNally.                        
                                                            
  822 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



A three hundred pounder, Miss Kay,                          
Now diets the opposite way.                                 
If she'll persevere,                                        
But this time next year,                                    
A job with the Barnum and Bai...                            
                                                            
  823 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Irving Superior     P9504



There once was a lady called Corrie                         
Whose looks were so bad, made me sorry.                     
From the front was a plus;                                  
She looked just like a bus,                                 
But the back end resembled a lorry.                         
                                                            
  824 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER                                  



There once was a woman named Marge,                         
Whose ass was so terribly large,                            
When she aimed for a chair                                  
With her fat derriere,                                      
It appeared she was backing a barge.                        
                                                            
  825 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Cap'n Bean          P0106



A young lady who came from St. Peters                       
Had a girth that was measured in metres;                    
When viewed from the rear                                   
It was patently clear,                                      
She was one of the world's greatest eaters.                 
                                                            
  826 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER                                  



This too-solid flesh!  Would it melt!                       
It's greatly expanded my pelt;                              
We can all play gin-rummy                                   
On my table-sized tummy,                                    
And I now need an 8-foot-long belt!                         
                                                            
  827 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Robin K. Willoughby P8402



To his son, said a fellow named Patterson,                  
"When dating young girls, pick them fatter, son."           
So his son dated one                                        
That was over a ton.                                        
"Step aside," said his dad. "Let me at her, son."           
                                                            
  828 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Albin Chaplin   3024-2221



More likely, I'm sure you will find                         
That a man would go out of his mind                         
And rip out his eyes                                        
At the sight of those thighs                                
And that gross, pachydermic behind.                         
                                                            
  829 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER                                  



I am stamped for a singular state;                          
I must travel through life overweight.                      
Being too large by far                                      
For a passenger car,                                        
I have to be posted by freight.                             
                                                            
  830 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Laurence Perrine    P8402



There was a fat girl from Peru,                             
Whose blood was as thick as Ragu.                           
She donated blood                                           
To a handsome young stud,                                   
And now he's a size 82.                                     
                                                            
  831 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Will                     



The groom appeared well qualified                           
To handle a bride doublewide;                               
By legend 'twas said                                        
He jammed in his head,                                      
Where, gleefully smothered, he died.                        
                                                            
  832 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         The Sailor          P0306



When girls of humungous great size                          
Undo bra-straps before you, it's wise                       
To stand twenty yards back,                                 
Thus avoiding the SMACK!!                                   
Of their bosomy bits in your eyes.                          
                                                            
  833 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER                                  



When your head clears, you fall into bed;                   
Her boobs shake when you're down giving head;               
Those thighs, (Oh so fat!)                                  
Might squeeze your head flat;                               
If she farts you will wish you were dead!                   
                                                            
  834 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER                                  



A whore from the town of Petard                             
Had legs that each measured one yard,                       
Not length, but in girth.                                   
When asked what she's worth,                                
She said, "Worth my weight, son, in lard."                  
                                                            
  835 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Jim Weaver Collection    



Boobs to hug and flab to pinch,                             
Love to pork an obese wench.                                
Roll her home, big and 'roun';                              
Chock her up and tie her down.                              
Ream that crease with my six inch!                          
                                                            
  836 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Jim Weaver Collection    



My wife's weight is 500-pound.  It                          
'S a nuisance, and so we have found it.                     
All sex life turned off                                     
Till the fat is burned off. --                              
It's a fact.  I just can't get around it!                   
                                                            
  837 ANATOMY - FAT - FATTER         Laurence Perrine    P8402



In the colonies, if a girl wants to fly,                    
She is weighed to stay in the sky.                          
A fraction of a pound                                       
Will keep her on the ground;                                
She can kiss her employment goodbye.                        
                                                            
  838 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arthur Pattaffy          



"Oh sweet mistress mine of Listowell,                       
I love you with body and soul.                              
If your teeth were your own,                                
And your shape not a cone,                                  
I'd say you'd be nice, on the whole."                       
                                                            
  839 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



To keep fit she would go to the gym;                        
The idea was to try and get slim.                           
After months of this trying.                                
She felt much nearer dying;                                 
Her hopes of reduction were dim.                            
                                                            
  840 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arthur Pattaffy          



Undressing Vanessa is easy,                                 
Though the sight of her's scary, believe me!                
And it may make you sick,                                   
She's so hairy and thick,                                   
With an ass of the size of a TV.                            
                                                            
  841 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Archie                   



A girl who was quite overweight                             
Finally had a blind date.                                   
The date was non-plussed                                    
By the size of her bust,                                    
But he said, "You really look great!"                       
                                                            
  842 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Anon                     



There was a young lady of means                             
Who bought barrels of blue jelly beans.                     
She would eat them until                                    
She had quite had her fill,                                 
And burst all the seams in her jeans.                       
                                                            
  843 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Warrick Elrod            



The lady approached a photographer;                         
Said she wanted an accurate view of her.                    
He assayed girth and size                                   
With experienced eyes,                                      
And said "Madam, you need a cartographer!"                  
                                                            
  844 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



There was a large lady named Gail,                          
Whose size was compared to a whale.                         
At the sea for the day,                                     
She swam in the bay;                                        
Some sea-scouts hopped aboard for a sail!                   
                                                            
  845 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arthur Pattaffy          



I once had a classmate named Fran                           
Who was part of the overweight clan.                        
When she went to the disco                                  
They called the girl Crisco,                                
Because she was fat in the can,                             
                                                            
  846 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Tom Patton          P0301



Said a not-too-svelte lady named Black,                     
With her eye on another Big Mac,                            
"Will it just go to waste?                                  
Will it just go to waist?                                   
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack?"                      
                                                            
  847 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         John E Mayhood      P0011



An overweight woman named Kim                               
Was working to make herself slim.                           
But her efforts were lost                                   
At a terrible cost,                                         
When she died working out at the gym.                       
                                                            
  848 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Cap'n Bean          P0208



A very fat girl in despair                                  
Bought some vanishing cream at the fair.                    
It suceeded so well                                         
That before she could yell,                                 
She disappeared into thin air.                              
                                                            
  849 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Laurence Perrine    P8402



Alas for the heftier women!                                 
There's no class when your ass is a brimmin'.               
It's refined when you dine,                                 
To lift less with the tine,                                 
And the torso would find it more slimmin'.                  
                                                            
  850 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



A chubby young girl and a sinner,                           
Always ate a few lizards for dinner.                        
"Eat a dozen a day,"                                        
Her doctor did say,                                         
And you'll soon find yourself getting thinner.              
                                                            
  851 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         John Blyth               



There was a young lady called Patty,                        
Who is thought by her friends to be catty.                  
She thinks this is lewd,                                    
So she eats extra food;                                     
Her name's now been altered to fatty.                       
                                                            
  852 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arthur Pattaffy          



She's eating a pastry called filo,                          
A cheesy and bacony pillow,                                 
Along with some ham                                         
And casseroled lamb --                                      
So Sandra is still eighty kilo.                             
                                                            
  853 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Archie                   



There once was a woman I hear,                              
Who could overeat without fear.                             
Cookies and candies,                                        
Turkeys and brandies,                                       
Merely fattened the lobe of one ear.                        
                                                            
  854 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Nicole Hollander    P8501



She lay nude on a beach in Bermuda;                         
Quite  plump; think her name's Lady Buddha;                 
I got lost in those wrinkles;                               
Spread flour where she tinkles;                             
And found her wet zippity doo-dah!                          
                                                            
  855 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



"It's my genes make me fat and I'm right,"                  
Squeals a broad of whose breadth I now write.               
So she squeezes those genes                                 
Into titanic jeans,                                         
That are signed with the name Frank Lloyd Wright.           
                                                            
  856 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Don Moore           P9112



There was a young lady from Naze,                           
Who kept her trim figure with stays.                        
If laced up too tight,                                      
She increased in height,                                    
And her eyes had a permanent glaze.                         
                                                            
  857 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an obese girl from Bath,                          
Who waddled down the bridal path,                           
Where stood the groom,                                      
Awaiting his doom,                                          
For he was as thin as a lath.                               
                                                            
  858 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         TARqc19             P0312



There was an old maid in Yreka                              
Whose cellulite legs could freak ya;                        
But when snow on I-5                                        
Could freeze truckers alive,                                
Her hotpads drew many a heat seeka!                         
                                                            
  859 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



In Paris lives Madame du Bois                               
Who weighs hundreds of avoirdupois.                         
On account of her weight,                                   
She's reclassified "freight"                                
When she travels by train to Charleroi.                     
                                                            
  860 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Peter Wilkins            



Inventing the unloseable calorie,                           
The testing was done on young Valerie.                      
She grew from size eight                                    
To an incredible weight,                                    
To the jeers of the mostly male gallery!                    
                                                            
  861 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Archie                   



A corpulent woman in Dorset                                 
Had to wear the largest size corset.                        
But, try as she would,                                      
There was no way she could                                  
Get everything in, but to force it.                         
                                                            
  862 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Warrick Elrod            



There once was a lady called Bug,                           
Whose looks justified a large UGH.                          
She was wide in the middle,                                 
Not shaped like a fiddle,                                   
And resembled a large bath plug.                            
                                                            
  863 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Michelle                 



A girl who displayed adiposity                              
Incited a man's animosity.                                  
In the end, it was night                                    
When the man, out of spite,                                 
Committed a lipid atrocity!                                 
                                                            
  864 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Kalkbrenner              



Her stomach was clearly defined,                            
But young Ed thought he'd still speak his mind.             
"Makes you look like a bell,"                               
But she said, "That's swell,"                               
Thinking that he meant the Southern kind.                   
                                                            
  865 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Sal R                    



With both Spas and Gyms, London abounds;                    
So to lose weight a Lass made their rounds.                 
For a year. "What's the use?"                               
She said, "I can't reduce                                   
Though I'm lighter by 1000 pounds."                         
                                                            
  866 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Loren C Fitzhugh         



A hefty young lady named Marge                              
Inquired about boarding a barge.                            
The captain insisted                                        
Her wish be resisted,                                       
Concluding that Marge was too large.                        
                                                            
  867 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Cybergeezer              



A rather fat lady from Hyde,                                
Had looked forward to being a bride.                        
She still managed a smile,                                  
As she walked down the aisle,                               
With no room for her groom at her side!                     
                                                            
  868 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arthur Pattaffy          



"My entire life has gone as God planned,"                   
Said the amorphous blob, Sally Sand.                        
"I'm a bit overweight.                                      
That's my genetic fate.                                     
I'm not big-boned, but I am big gland."                     
                                                            
  869 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



As I stand in front of the glass,                           
I tuck in my tummy and ass.                                 
"So trim!", I'm believing,                                  
But then, upon leaving,                                     
Revert to my regular mass.                                  
                                                            
  870 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Ericka                   



Some say she's "obese" and a "frump";                       
I say she is "round in the rump"                            
Each one takes his cue                                      
From his own point of view.                                 
She calls herself "pleasingly plump".                       
                                                            
  871 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Laurence Perrine    P8402



There was a young lady named Flo,                           
As fat as a capital "O".                                    
When the people said, "Why                                  
Is this so?" She'd reply,                                   
"I suppose it's the way that I grow."                       
                                                            
  872 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



Ethiopian children and mothers,                             
Think relief aid is going to others.                        
A coincidence that                                          
The one getting fat,                                        
Is none other than Sweet Sally Struthers.                   
                                                            
  873 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Dick Potts          P8511



A hefty young gal name of Carol                             
Couldn't find any wearing apparel.                          
For each chubby leg                                         
Was shaped like a keg,                                      
And her ass was shaped like a barrel.                       
                                                            
  874 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Ken Elrod           P8303



A very large woman named Kate                               
Is six hundred pounds overweight;                           
On an overseas trip                                         
She's transported by ship                                   
In a wooden container marked "Freight."                     
                                                            
  875 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Frank Jacobs        P0011



There was a stout person from Brum,                         
Who lost twenty pounds off her tum.                         
When people said "Great!"                                   
She replied, "Just you wait                                 
And see what I've lost off my bum!"                         
                                                            
  876 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Bill Wall                



The obese gustatorial sinner                                
Ate a three hundred calorie dinner.                         
For her coffee we know                                      
She'll demand "Sweet And Low,"                              
'Cause it helps a fat girl to get thinner.                  
                                                            
  877 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



At the circus a writer named Meeks                          
Was impressed by the fat lady's cheeks,                     
And announced his intentions                                
To describe her dimensions,                                 
Though he thought it might take him three weeks.            
                                                            
  878 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Cybergeezer              



An overweight woman named Treadwell                         
Was massive because she was fed well;                       
One day on the sly                                          
She ate a whole pie,                                        
And that was the night that the bed fell.                   
                                                            
  879 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         William K. Alsop    P8910



Soft music hypnotically played;                             
While dancing, they swooned and they swayed,                
Lost balance and fell;                                      
Smashed him all to hell.                                    
'Twas three hundred pounds that she weighed!                
                                                            
  880 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Observer                 



The daughter-in-law of the Lundys                           
Can hardly get into her undies,                             
For she has on the quiet                                    
Been ignoring her diet,                                     
For at least, she says, three months of sundaes.            
                                                            
  881 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         A. N. Wilkins       P8511



I once met this girl from down under,                       
Whose thighs banged together like thunder!                  
He butt was so big,                                         
It looked like two pigs                                     
In a Viking's big bag of plunder.                           
                                                            
  882 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Theresa                  



A fat acrobat named Louise,                                 
Was arrested while on a trapeze,                            
For daring to bare                                          
Her rump in the air,                                        
And floating spare parts in the breeze.                     
                                                            
  883 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         David Finely             



"My Darling, my days are all spent                          
Just thinking of your lovely dent,                          
That I will caress,                                         
And love none the less,                                     
Because you must wear that large tent!                      
                                                            
  884 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



Mike told his fat wife all the time                         
To stop eating and toe the line.                            
"Don't be a dumb fuck.                                      
You're as big as my truck.                                  
Now you'll have to wear a WIDE LOAD sign!"                  
                                                            
  885 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



I've long sung in praise of big women,                      
Their attributes oft I've been hymning,                     
Use as windbreaks in gales,                                 
Or decoys for whales,                                       
Or diving-rafts, useful when swimmin'.                      
                                                            
  886 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE                                  



You've heard of the baker's fat daughter? --                
She eats many more cakes than she oughter.                  
So to get through the door,                                 
She lies down on the floor,                                 
Because she is wider than shorter.                          
                                                            
  887 ANATOMY - FAT - FEMALE         Sandy Lunde         P8402



There was a fat man of great worth,                         
Considered the salt of the earth.                           
He married his honey;                                       
She married his money.                                      
Now all he has left is his girth.                           
                                                            
  888 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Ester L. Voller     P9202



A sleeper from the Amazon                                   
Put nighties of his gramazon.                               
The reason: That                                            
He was too fat                                              
To get his own pajamazon.                                   
                                                            
  889 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES                                   



An overweight fellow named Bruce                            
Went through torture attempting to reduce.                  
A battle was raged,                                         
Yet ten years he aged,                                      
Before he called it a truce.                                
                                                            
  890 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Edwin J Weinstein        



When I was a youth, a mere STRIPLING,                       
My abs were washboards rippling.                            
But time and good food,                                     
On that scene intrude,                                      
What once was slim beltline is tripling.                    
                                                            
  891 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Chris Papa               



It's been said that I'm thin and quite lean,                
Save my belly -- it's huge and obscene.                     
But so says my wife,                                        
It's a fuel tank for life,                                  
On an excellent screwing machine!                           
                                                            
  892 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Dick Slimier        T9712



There was a young biker named "Bear"                        
Who pants got too small to wear.                            
He looked at his middle,                                    
While doing a diddle,                                       
And said, "I have belly to spare."                          
                                                            
  893 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Penny Kjelgaard          



A philosopher from Montserrat                               
Was too bulgy and fat where he sat.                         
His eating and drinking                                     
And sitting and thinking                                    
Were assuredly causes of that.                              
                                                            
  894 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          R. J. Winkler       P8402



There once was a man called Big Bob,                        
Who felt like a fat ugly slob.                              
He met a young Mellie                                       
Who looked at his belly                                     
And said, "You're my baby. No prob!"                        
                                                            
  895 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES                                   



Accused as a couch potato,                                  
Fat Willy said: "I do not know.                             
I've eaten KP skips                                         
And ten kinds of chips.                                     
Are potatoes now starting to show?"                         
                                                            
  896 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Tony Burrell             



His skin a a motely brown;                                  
We can see his two eyes when he frowns.                     
A feathery root                                             
Coming out of his foot;                                     
Green leaves are growing from his crown.                    
                                                            
  897 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Tony Burrell             



He's an irrational urge towards mud.                        
There's subtle changes in his blood.                        
Though he's not earned it,                                  
Perhaps it confirms it;                                     
His friends are now calling him "Spud!"                     
                                                            
  898 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Tony Burrell             



He used to be firm, fit, and fleet,                         
Could run or stand fast -- could compete.                   
But now the old duffer                                      
Must fretfully suffer                                       
The fate of the fat and effete.                             
                                                            
  899 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Laurence Perrine    P8402



A certain young man, it was noted,                          
Went about in the heat thickly coated.                      
He said, "You may scoff,                                    
But I shan't take it off;                                   
Underneath I am horribly bloated.                           
                                                            
  900 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Edward Gorey             



A young couch-potato named Clyde                            
Just sat there and watched till he died.                    
It's a sad thing to tell,                                   
But he went right to hell                                   
And ended up boiled, baked, and fried.                      
                                                            
  901 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Bill Taylor         P9808



Won't you please use the word, sense requires               
To precisely explain your desires.                          
When you put on a wheel,                                    
You'll find lug nuts ideal;                                 
You'll find dough nuts just put on spare tires.             
                                                            
  902 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Graham Lester            



The elephantine Mr. L                                       
Is the source of a powerful smell.                          
It's the stench of a lie,                                   
And a fat, sweaty guy,                                      
Whose head just continues to swell.                         
                                                            
  903 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Jim Weaver Collection    



A corpulent prowler named Clyde                             
Could never successfully hide.                              
He always got caught --                                     
And such was his lot                                        
For Clyde was enormously wide.                              
                                                            
  904 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          R. J. Winkler       P8402



There once was a bloke, and....well, he                     
Could not reach his arms 'round his belly,                  
From too many pies,                                         
Not enough exercise,                                        
And too many hours in front of the telly!                   
                                                            
  905 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES                                   



That Mushroom guy sure was great;                           
I knew him since he was eight.                              
But now he's got old                                        
And is covered in mold;                                     
The 'Fun Guy' has sure put on weight.                       
                                                            
  906 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES                                   



She will not under-rate the deplorable state                
Of the husband who's overly stout.                          
She plans brisk exercise                                    
For those figureless guys                                   
To expand their resistance to gout.                         
                                                            
  907 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a fat man of Dundee                               
Who was weighing himself constantly.                        
Said his wife, one fine day,                                
"Tell me, what do you weigh?"                               
He replied in surprise, "I weigh me."                       
                                                            
  908 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Albin Chaplin   3024-2555



This fat little man from Nantucket                          
When maligned, would reply, "You go fuck it."               
He said this when they                                      
Called him Fatso each day,                                  
And now they just call him Lardbucket.                      
                                                            
  909 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES                                   



Once the fat man got to giggling,                           
No one around to stop his jiggling,                         
He broke in to a sweat,                                     
Lost his wind; you can bet                                  
He died on the spot while still wriggling.                  
                                                            
  910 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Lims For Year - 01       



My belly is bloated and fat;                                
Stuffed full of food and all that.                          
It was really great;                                        
I'm sure to gain weight;                                    
I saved leftovers for the cat.                              
                                                            
  911 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Funny Bone               



There once was a man in the bath,                           
Who lay back and started to laugh.                          
The cause of his mirth                                      
Was the size of his girth;                                  
He looked like an inflatable raft.                          
                                                            
  912 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Jim Campey               



To the gay town of o[d Skibbereen,                          
Came a tinker abnormally lean;                              
They fed him so well,                                       
That he started to swell,                                   
And by Christmas he looked like a dean.                     
                                                            
  913 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young man who said, "Swimming                   
Is an excellent method of slimming.                         
But a far quicker way                                       
To lose weight, if you're gay,                              
Is to practice fellatio and rimming."                       
                                                            
  914 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Alexander Baron          



He's not built for the sessions at gym;                     
The group was all better than him.                          
When climbing a rope,                                       
He hadn't a hope;                                           
He was fat and he'll never be thin.                         
                                                            
  915 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Arthur Pattaffy          



There are those, (God's favorite son),                      
Who can ingest food by the ton                              
And never gain weight,                                      
A heavenly state.                                           
Alas, of that kind, I'm not one.                            
                                                            
  916 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Chris Papa               



There once was a glutton named Kelly                        
Who gorged himself so at the deli,                          
That his girl friends all said                              
He was no good in bed,                                      
Since he couldn't see over his belly.                       
                                                            
  917 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          A N Wilkins         P8402



There once was this man from New Delhi,                     
Who wanted to trim up his belly.                            
His doctor said, "Jogging                                   
Or exercise walking,                                        
And not just by wanking your willie."                       
                                                            
  918 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Jim Weaver Collection    



There is a stout chap known as Harry,                       
And of gaining weight he is wary;                           
A typical snack,                                            
Is a chicken back,                                          
Two peas, one grape, and a dairy.                           
                                                            
  919 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Margaret A. Murdock P8311



I dream as I lie on my pillow:                              
I'm young, handsome, lithe as a willow.                     
But then comes the morn,                                    
Of hair I've been shorn;                                    
I'm old, fat, and over the hill-o.                          
                                                            
  920 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Tiddy Ogg                



A eunuch from Mount Ararat --                               
The cheeks of his arse were so fat,                         
When he wanted to fart,                                     
He held them apart                                          
With the haft of an old cricket bat!                        
                                                            
  921 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Sam Pittman              



The treadmill I'll have to speed up,                        
And on much less good pasta sup.                            
I'll fat steaks forsake                                     
And surely, no cake,                                        
Nor Glenfiddich malt by the cup.                            
                                                            
  922 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Chris Papa               



I've a friend who is shaped like a tun                      
And when filled, is as heavy as one.                        
We just roll him to eat                                     
(A considerable feat)                                       
And roll him to bed when he's done.                         
                                                            
  923 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Laurence Perrine    P8807



Now, you could now call me ROTUND;                          
A bedsheet for a cumberbund.                                
I gave up bread                                             
For my middle spread.                                       
It's that Macallan I should have shunned. (single malt)     
                                                            
  924 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Norm                     



A fellow named Steve gave a shout!                          
"That I should diet is beyond doubt.                        
Great merciful heaven!                                      
I weigh two eleven,                                         
And that is entirely too stout."                            
                                                            
  925 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Kerisin and Steve        



There was a professor of Caius                              
Who measured six feet 'round the knees;                     
He went down to Harwich                                     
Nineteen in a carriage,                                     
And found it a terrible squeeze.                            
                                                            
  926 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Anon              (Bibby)



I dated a fellow named Abie                                 
Who weighed in at 30 stones, maybe;                         
When, at last, we got naked,                                
My pleasure was faked,                                      
Since he looked like a 6-foot-tall baby.                    
                                                            
  927 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Robin K. Willoughby P8402



There was a young lady named Minnie:                        
Who screwed an old man from New Guinea.                     
He was so big and fat                                       
That he broke every slat,                                   
So now she dates men who are skinny.                        
                                                            
  928 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Albin Chaplin   3024-0268



A corpulent person named Gayle,                             
Who swam every day without fail,                            
Asked, "If frequent swimming                                
Is crucial for slimming,                                    
Why do I resemble a whale?"                                 
                                                            
  929 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Observer           TP9901



There once was a bloke, and well, he                        
Could not reach his arms 'round his belly --                
From too many pies,                                         
Not enough exercise,                                        
And too many hours in front of the telly!                   
                                                            
  930 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Anon                     



There was a young fellow named Reece,                       
Who wanted to be the police.                                
At the medical board                                        
One fact he ignored;                                        
They told him he was far too obese.                         
                                                            
  931 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a fellow named Jim,                          
A fat guy who yearned to be slim.                           
He bought a treadmill,                                      
But alas, took a spill,                                     
And broke both of his upper limbs.                          
                                                            
  932 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man call F.B.,   (Funny Bone)              
His gut hangs down to his knee.                             
His ass is so wide,                                         
Walking, he needs a guide.                                  
His weight just in tons -- about three.                     
                                                            
  933 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Mushroom                 



There was an Old Person of Hurst,                           
Who drank when he was not athirst;                          
When they said, "You'll grow fatter!"                       
He answered, "What matter?                                  
We can swap head for tail at the worst."                    
                                                            
  934 ANATOMY - FAT - MALES          Edwardian Leer 055       



A fat girl from the valley of Yon                           
Had a sex life that was strictly non.                       
From the day of her birth.                                  
She had super girth;                                        
Now her pooper won't fit on the john.                       
                                                            
  935 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Tom Patton          P9708



Too chunky Penelope Harder                                  
Was worried how men would regard her.                       
As such a fat slob,                                         
She made no hearts throb,                                   
Attached, as she was, to her larder!                        
                                                            
  936 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    R. J. Winkler       P8402



To his friend, Ned said rather blue,                        
"My wife Edith just told me we're through.                  
She says I'm too fat."                                      
And his friend told him that,                               
"You can't have your cake and Edith too."                   
                                                            
  937 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Scott Hendricks          



An indiscreet maiden named Bower,                           
Whose belly had come into flower,                           
Did much miss the joys                                      
Her avoirdupois                                             
Was making less likely each hour.                           
                                                            
  938 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Armand E Singer       191



The reason she wasn't seducible,                            
Her bod was obese, irreducible.                             
His rod was too short,                                      
Causing sperm to abort.                                     
This rendered her irreproducible.                           
                                                            
  939 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Al Willis          TP9804



A fat man who lived in New York                             
Said, "I've got to get rid of this pork.                    
I look like a pig,                                          
My stomach's so big,                                        
And there's no way of dipping my dork."                     
                                                            
  940 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Tom Patton          P9504



There once was a woman named Beecher;                       
Overeating, became a fat creature.                          
Her husband was forced                                      
To get a divorce,                                           
'Cause his pecker could no longer reach her!                
                                                            
  941 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Laurence Craft           



There was a young lady, a Puritan,                          
Whose boy friend was fat, like manure -- a ton.             
He said, "Let's just fuck."                                 
She replied, "No such luck;                                 
I believe that I cannot endure a ton."                      
                                                            
  942 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Albin Chaplin   3024-0301



Particular women won't pick Nick                            
To date at the beach for a picnic.                          
The reason is that                                          
He's grossly too fat,                                       
Abdominous, bloated, and pyknic.                            
(pyknic - mesomorphic)                                      
  943 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    R. J. Winkler       P8402



An eager young beaver named Gump                            
Tried giving a fat girl a jump.                             
But he failed in his screwing                               
And it proved his undoing,                                  
For he couldn't get over the hump.                          
                                                            
  944 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Albin Chaplin   3024-0185



A corpulent virgin named Wyatt,                             
Was constantly trying to diet.                              
For her lack of allure,                                     
Kept her virtue secure,                                     
Although she was dying to try it.                           
                                                            
  945 ANATOMY - FAT - NOT SCREWED    Bob Giandomenico    P0207



There was a topographer bold                                
Who fucked a fat lady, I'm told.                            
He mapped every cranny                                      
She had in her fanny,                                       
And fucked every wrinkle and fold.                          
                                                            
  946 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Albin Chaplin 3024  G0261



Whenever you go on a binge                                  
With a girl somewhat plump, do not cringe                   
At the layers of fat                                        
Where her pussy is at,                                      
You'll find benefits all 'round the fringe.                 
                                                            
  947 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Albin Chaplin 3024  G0256



The larger the women, I say,                                
The better for sexual play;                                 
Besides when it snows,                                      
A big woman knows                                           
She's usable as great sleigh!                               
                                                            
  948 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED                                 



I sing of this beauty from Greece;                          
Her crotch hair is thicker than fleece;                     
Her huge bouncing tits                                      
Just give a guy fits --                                     
If only she were less obese.                                
                                                            
  949 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Armand E Singer       323



Oh give me a wench who is plump;                            
Not a thin barely feminine frump                            
Who is frigid and cold.                                     
Give me bosoms to hold                                      
And a well-rounded rump for a hump.                         
                                                            
  950 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED                                 



I was worried what Theodore thought o' me.                  
I dieted.  There was a lot o' me.                           
Said he, "Now you're skinny!                                
Start eating, you ninny!                                    
I love you more bosomy and bottomy."                        
                                                            
  951 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Irene Livingston         



Our new parlor maid, Fanny White,                           
I've found to "be a bit of all right."                      
In dim light we embark                                      
On our trysts in near dark;                                 
Otherwise I'd see her cellulite.                            
                                                            
  952 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



Who said that too chubby or fat                             
Could matter as much as all that?                           
A corpulent lady                                            
If decent or shady,                                         
Can help you to know where you're at!                       
                                                            
  953 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        R. J. Winkler       P8402



Last night I pressed four hundred pounds!                   
I'm sorry, I know that this sounds                          
Like bragging or crowing,                                   
Or muscles I'm showing;                                     
Not true!  'Twas a boff with Tess Rounds.                   
                                                            
  954 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Travis Brasell           



There was a young fellow named Scringe                      
Who picked a fat girl for a binge.                          
He preferred plump girls more,                              
He found more to explore;                                   
There were benefits all 'round the fringe.                  
                                                            
  955 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Albin Chaplin   3024-0755



The pompous old Dean of St. Inge                            
Seduced a fat nun on a binge.                               
He was hauled into court                                    
But he said of his sport,                                   
There were benefits all 'round the fringe.                  
                                                            
  956 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Albin Chaplin   3024-1082



Obese was the wife of young Pat,                            
While he was as thin as a slat.                             
But the neighbors could see                                 
That the two did agree,                                     
For he spent much time chewing the fat.                     
                                                            
  957 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Albin Chaplin   3024-0570



A fat willing girl of Toronto                               
When asked, said, "Of course, if you want to,"              
And quickly reclined                                        
In a posture designed                                       
To facilitate climbing up onto.                             
                                                            
  958 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Keith MacMillan       61b



It must be tough lying like that,                           
Beneath all that blubber and fat.                           
Each bounce takes its toll,                                 
As her cheeks rock and roll,                                
And she threatens to leave you all flat.                    
                                                            
  959 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Travis Brasell           



I'm crushed and I may not recover                           
From boffing my heavyset lover;                             
However, if I                                               
Recoup, I might try                                         
To offer to boff her above her.                             
                                                            
  960 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Travis Brasell           



Now, hang on a minute.  Just stop.                          
If stuffing your dong in her crop,                          
In sweet sixty nine,                                        
And she's breaking your spine,                              
Then just make sure, my boy, you're on top.                 
                                                            
  961 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Tiddy Ogg                



Big girls are bountiful fare;                               
Freckles and stringy red hair.                              
Like Mopeds they're fun                                     
When you're riding on one,                                  
Till a good friend sees you up there.                       
                                                            
  962 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED                                 



Harpooning land whales is OK.                               
Big girls all love a good lay.                              
They rarely pout,                                           
Get angry or shout                                          
And you get a fresh wrinkle a day.                          
                                                            
  963 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED                                 



The size of my manly prize                                  
Depends on the girth of her thighs.                         
The bigger the better;                                      
On my face I will set her                                   
Being careful of crabs, lice and flies.                     
                                                            
  964 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED                                 



A circus midget named Lew                                   
Once asked the fat lady to screw.                           
Said she, "I don't mind,                                    
But I think you will find                                   
Your father-in-law's not quite through."                    
                                                            
  965 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED                            G0644



There's a Hoosier harlot named Hattie                       
Whose appendages tent to the fatty;                         
So the thatch of her snatch is                              
On the outskirts of Natchez,                                
Though the sinning's in south Cincinnati.                   
                                                            
  966 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Krissa Guiness      P8401



There once was a woman named Patty,                         
Who was concerned about being a fatty.                      
A young man named Gary                                      
Was really quite scary,                                     
And he screwed the fatty off Patty.                         
                                                            
  967 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Garry Wyndowe            



'Twas Shakespeare who quipped, "Shut thine eyes,            
When thou dost screw girls of great size,                   
And corpulent lasses,                                       
For then their fat asses                                    
Will seem to belong to slim thighs."                        
                                                            
  968 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Travis Brasell           



There was a fat lady named Gold                             
Seduced by a man young and bold.                            
He tried forty-two ways                                     
In a month and two days,                                    
And he tried every wrinkle and fold.                        
                                                            
  969 ANATOMY - FAT - SCREWED        Albin Chaplin            



It occurs more than once in a while,                        
And it's doomed not to go out of style.                     
Frequently we're unable                                     
To get close, read a label.                                 
Rotund shoppers are blocking each aisle.                    
                                                            
  970 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



There once was a girl from Mars,                            
Who ate too many candy bars.                                
She was so very fat,                                        
When she laid on her back,                                  
She would block the view of the stars.                      
                                                            
  971 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Jim Weaver Collection    



In my view, fat girls are the best;                         
They've got lots of thigh, butt and breast.                 
But it can be quite sad,                                    
Through all of her pad,                                     
You can't find her hole for a test.                         
                                                            
  972 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED                            



Today I did wash in the bath;                               
My girlfriend she did have a laugh,                         
As it's been a while, see,                                  
Since I last saw my 'pee-pee',                              
As my gut is now blocking the path.                         
                                                            
  973 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED                            



I had too much snacking at tea;                             
My love for those pastries got me.                          
I ate like a pig;                                           
My belly's so big,                                          
I can't even see when I pee.                                
                                                            
  974 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Fredrico                 



I eat nothing that tastes very good.                        
Losing weight? I wish that I could.                         
Bathroom scales didn't say.                                 
Belly got in the way.                                       
Could have been the way that I stood.                       
                                                            
  975 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Dohrman John Grace  P9504



There once was this girl named Lucille,                     
Who ate snacks between every meal.                          
She became so inflated,                                     
Her boyfriend related,                                      
"I could no longer find it to feel!"                        
                                                            
  976 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Laurence Craft           



This woman weighed two-hundred pounds;                      
Her thighs at least three feet around.                      
Whenever she peed,                                          
She'd wipe with great speed,                                
Or else the source couldn't be found.                       
                                                            
  977 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Laurence Craft           



Aunt Alice has such immense thighs,                         
That no matter which way she lies,                          
Men would need an extender                                  
At the end of their gender,                                 
To get at her copious prize.                                
                                                            
  978 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Al Kracht           P9902



Her lover was Harry McTeas,                                 
Whose cock hangs right down past his knees;                 
And he won't ever say                                       
How he stretched it that way,                               
But for Alice, he's sure built to please.                   
                                                            
  979 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Al Kracht           P9902



There was a young fellow who lifted                         
The skirts of a lady and sifted                             
Through the layers of fat                                   
Where her twat should be at,                                
But discovered her cargo had shifted.                       
                                                            
  980 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Albin Chaplin   3024-0519



A strange-looking fellow named Stan                         
Met a woman as big as a van.                                
He wed her on Monday                                        
But not until Sunday                                        
Found where her pudenda began.                              
                                                            
  981 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED                       G0456



The professor emeritus, Reese,                              
Had a penchant for ladies obese;                            
And he said, "In my lab                                     
I examine their flab,                                       
In the hopes I can find a new crease.                       
                                                            
  982 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Albin Chaplin   3024-0589



Whenever too overweight I--                                 
So much that I can't see my fly--                           
I diet until                                                
Again I can thrill                                          
To saying "Hello" and "Goodbye."                            
                                                            
  983 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Irving Superior     P9107



Your rich coffee cake, Sara Lee,                            
Has made me a waist sixty-three.                            
My stomach, alas,                                           
Is such a big mass,                                         
I can't even see me when I pee.                             
                                                            
  984 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED                            



A lady quite broad in the beam                              
Was not as obese as would seem.                             
Though her overall girth                                    
Would quite darken the Earth,                               
It left other planets agleam.                               
                                                            
  985 ANATOMY - FAT - VIEW BLOCKED   Warrick Elrod            



An overweight lady named Platt                              
Was overheard once to say that                              
It just wasn't fair                                         
For people to stare                                         
And laugh just because she was fat.                         
                                                            
  986 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8402



So she went to a doctor named Linn                          
Who removed all the fat 'neath her skin                     
And presented his bill                                      
To get paid for his skill                                   
And for showing her how to get thin.                        
                                                            
  987 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8402



But once she had lost all that weight,                      
She jumped from her bed and said, "Great!                   
Let's negotiate, doc --                                     
And I'll get out of hock.                                   
You'll see how on our very first date!"                     
                                                            
  988 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8402



I do like my girls statuesque,                              
With voluptuous curves Rubenesque.                          
But I don't mean by that                                    
That I like them so fat,                                    
They can't crawl on their knees 'neath my desk.             
                                                            
  989 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



If you've any room there to spare,                          
I'm sure that I'll fit under there.                         
Let's have a look-see.                                      
Now what can this be?                                       
My dear Peter, are you aware...                             
                                                            
  990 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Carol                    



...There's crumbs from a chocolate cake,                    
Some marbles, a bit of rare steak,                          
A button, a sock,                                           
A little blue clock,                                        
The handle from your garden rake...                         
                                                            
  991 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Carol                    



...And wires, there must be a mile                          
Of them on the side of the pile,                            
A chewed up old shoe,                                       
Laying right next to                                        
A book titled "Living In Style."                            
                                                            
  992 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Carol                    



But still, I'm sure that I can squeeze                      
Under there, if you just move your knees                    
Apart, so they're spread,                                   
Making room for my head.                                    
Yes that's good; I fit there with ease.                     
                                                            
  993 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Carol                    



At my place, you won't have to duck                         
Your head 'neath my desk for a suck.                        
We'll just use my soft bed,                                 
Then after the head,                                        
We'll have us a nice long hard fuck.                        
                                                            
  994 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Jon Gearhart             



My love, you have gotten so fat,                            
I can't find where your wee-wee is at.                      
So I'm making quite bold                                    
To dust flour on each fold;                                 
Now a wet spot's beneath your fur hat!                      
                                                            
  995 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Allen Wolverton          



What's wrong with some extra pink meat,                     
As long as it's clean and smells sweet?                     
Better than some whore's                                    
Encrusted green sores,                                      
And surely a tastier treat.                                 
                                                            
  996 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Carol                    



My dear, that's not where my hat's at!                      
That hairy spot is our kitty cat!                           
She was lost last year                                      
When she crawled up there,                                  
And got stuck in the fat while I shat.                      
                                                            
  997 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Brian                    



I sat down with the wife for a chat;                        
She asked, "Dear, do you think I look fat?"                 
Now maybe in Reno,                                          
I'd bet the casino,                                         
But on this one, I think I'll stand pat!                    
                                                            
  998 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Observer                 



I responded, "You're perfect, my dear.                      
But wait, that's the doorbell I hear.                       
My stomach is twitchin'.                                    
As you pass the kitchen,                                    
Could you kindly please fetch me a beer?"                   
                                                            
  999 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Observer                 



Said the wife, "You know just what to say...                
By the way, have you seen the cheese tray?                  
Sure, I'll get you a brew,                                  
And for myself a few                                        
Of those chocolates from Valentine's Day.                   
                                                            
 1000 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Observer                 



There's many an afficionado,                                
Who fancies a barrel of lard-o.                             
Old Hoagy'd not balk,                                       
With his piece of white chalk,                              
As he marked out his progress so far-o.                     
(song Huggin' and Chalking by Hoagy Carmichael)             
 1001 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



I suppose you need some 'lucidation,                        
About the above apellation,                                 
Well, all I can do,                                         
Is to transcribe for you,                                   
The song, shorn of musical notation.                        
                                                            
 1002 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



What is this obsession with size,                           
As if bodies alone can cause rise?                          
If big were just it,                                        
Fat we'd be a bit,                                          
So just what does this thought comprise?                    
                                                            
 1003 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



A couple centuries ago,                                     
Fattened flesh, men's small minds would blow.               
Flesh equaled large wealth,                                 
As well as much health,                                     
And so certain small things did grow.                       
                                                            
 1004 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



Monroe was a little bit fleshed,                            
Voloptuous and rounded, yes.                                
But thin seems in style,                                    
At least for a while,                                       
Then again, Pam Anderson's chest?                           
                                                            
 1005 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



A dumb standard it seems right now,                         
For some parts to have like a cow,                          
The waist of a wisp,                                        
And no verbal lisp.                                         
And not all rounded like a bow.                             
                                                            
 1006 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



Your body brings out my desire,                             
And sparks, in my wood, a hot fire;                         
You, babe, are my pick,                                     
'Cause for a fat chick,                                     
You smell good and you don't perspire.                      
                                                            
 1007 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



I dream of the future, sweet lass,                          
And our first tender kiss in the grass.                     
'Tis a dream full of love                                   
And desire, as I shove                                      
This huge todger I've got, up your ass.                     
                                                            
 1008 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES                                 



Big Bertha, exceedingly blubbery,                           
Wears tight-fitting corsetry rubbery.                       
Alas, no disguise                                           
For the size of her thighs,                                 
Or her forest of underarm shrubbery.                        
                                                            
 1009 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Yet Bertha has charms so outstanding                        
And welcomes a frisky glad handing,                         
With extra attention                                        
To her lower dimension                                      
Which welcomes whatever's expanding.                        
                                                            
 1010 ANATOMY - FAT - ZSERIES        Archie                   



The ankle's chief end is exposiery                          
Of the latest design is silk hosiery.                       
Also I suspect                                              
It was made to connect                                      
The part called the calf with the toesiery.                 
                                                            
 1011 ANATOMY - FEET                 Anthony Euwer            



Said a salesman of shoes name of Pete,                      
"My God!  But I like ladies feet.                           
When they make a selection,                                 
I get an erection;                                          
I go back and beat on my meat."                             
                                                            
 1012 ANATOMY - FEET                 Al Chaplin          P9410



There once was a young girl named Rose.                     
She had ten very big hairy toes.                            
Despite what she did,                                       
They couldn't be hid.                                       
All made fun, which elated her foes.                        
                                                            
 1013 ANATOMY - FEET                 Rose W.                  



The toe of a postman from Dallas                            
Developed a sizable callus.                                 
His wife wistfully said                                     
How she wished that instead                                 
It had been on the head of his phallus.                     
                                                            
 1014 ANATOMY - FEET                                     G0304



I'm so glad that my tootsies can circum-                    
navigate round when I work 'em.                             
Like strings in a guitar                                    
The cords in my feet are                                    
So responsive whenever I jerk 'em.                          
                                                            
 1015 ANATOMY - FEET                 Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



Exquisite are Deborah's feet;                               
They're exceedingly neat and petite;                        
And her delicate toes                                       
Gently gripping one's hose,                                 
An erotic unmissable treat.                                 
                                                            
 1016 ANATOMY - FEET                 Peter Wilkins            



Yes, Deborah is just quite a vamp.                          
Indeed, some folks call her a tramp.                        
But what will you do                                        
If you remove her shoe,                                     
And find her foot knotted in cramp?                         
                                                            
 1017 ANATOMY - FEET                 Jeanie                   



I know what to do for that cramp;                           
Toes and arch I will lick like a champ;                     
Her ankles I'll stroke;                                     
I'll look, and then croak,                                  
"By Jove, love, your knickers are damp!"                    
                                                            
 1018 ANATOMY - FEET                 Alan Wolverton           



Her sister's foot's covered in mud.                         
If you wash it, you'll find it's a dud.                     
Not pink, plump, and rosy,                                  
You'll find that her toesy                                  
Look like marshmallows stuck in a spud.                     
                                                            
 1019 ANATOMY - FEET                 Jeanie                   



On that trenchfoot, I'd rather not dine,                    
Without dipping them in something fine;                     
With damp knickers I'll rub,                                
On those toes in the tub,                                   
Then I'll soak them in high-class French wine!              
                                                            
 1020 ANATOMY - FEET                 Alan Wolverton           



I must say your plan does sound loony.                      
Just imagine those digits all pruny?                        
All shriveled and shrunk,                                   
And wine-stained and drunk,                                 
The thought of it's making me puny.                         
                                                            
 1021 ANATOMY - FEET                 Jeanie                   



You think that she hasn't a clue                            
Of the limerick things that you do?                         
If she's got you googley                                    
Then things could get oogley.                               
For I've seen what you have been up to.                     
                                                            
 1022 ANATOMY - FEET                 Cyber Wizard             



Oh, I think that this is in error!                          
Though I thank you for being a carer.                       
The right thread was "I'm back!"                            
But, I still thank you, Jack;                               
You know me. I was always a darer!                          
                                                            
 1023 ANATOMY - FEET                 Jeanie                   



There once was a fellow named Dean                          
Whose feet turned a yellowy-green.                          
He'd never been taught                                      
That from childhood he ought                                
To have kept ten tootsies clean.                            
                                                            
 1024 ANATOMY - FEET                 Emmanuel Lamprecht       



Thumbs are OK I suppose,                                    
But Oh, for opposable toes!                                 
It would really be great                                    
When you're out on a date,                                  
And perfect for taking off clothes.                         
                                                            
 1025 ANATOMY - FEET                 E. Wolf                  



Thumbs are OK I suppose,                                    
But Oh, for opposable toes!                                 
The things we could eat                                     
If we could use our feet!                                   
We could munch where the coconut grows!                     
                                                            
 1026 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



Just today I was reminiscin',                               
Of you, Hon, and how I was missin',                         
Each inch of your foot;                                     
As my fetish put,                                           
You in a frenzy with my kissin'.                            
                                                            
 1027 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



There was an old woman named Rose                           
With aching feet one of her woes.                           
She bathed in soda water                                    
For the relief that it brought her,                         
But more to feel fizz 'twixt her toes.                      
                                                            
 1028 ANATOMY - FEET                 Warrick Elrod            



Your toes are so cute I can't stand it --                   
Provocative, as if you'd planned it.                        
They're charming and sweet,                                 
Hence I favor bare feet.                                    
I do not request, I demand it.                              
                                                            
 1029 ANATOMY - FEET                 Heather McCabe           



I guess that I'm now on the spot,                           
And it seems that you know what I've got.                   
You've measured my feet,                                    
And they are petite.                                        
'Little Things Still Mean A Lot.'                           
                                                            
 1030 ANATOMY - FEET                 Al Willis                



The foot, if thoroughly clean,                              
Can be a hot, sexual machine.                               
A toe that is sucked                                        
Can get a guy fucked                                        
By a gal with a foot fetish dream.                          
                                                            
 1031 ANATOMY - FEET                 Frank Fazed              



A designer of shoes never warns                             
Of chic footwear that gaily adorns,                         
For it never fits well.                                     
That is why they say hell                                   
Hath no fury like a woman's corns.                          
                                                            
 1032 ANATOMY - FEET                 Bob Giandomenico    P9004



My feet are beginning to fail;                              
They're dunked in a hot-water pail,                         
Which is like a palace                                      
For the giant heel callous,                                 
But not for ingrowing toenail.                              
                                                            
 1033 ANATOMY - FEET                 Archie                   



And now, I know just how that feels;                        
The aching, the drying skin peels.                          
But hon, that's the price,                                  
Trying to look nice,                                        
And wearing those four-inch high heels.                     
                                                            
 1034 ANATOMY - FEET                 Carol                    



Come here, and I'll rub them for you.                       
Say what?  Now your feet have turned blue?                  
I'm rolling my eyes                                         
And sighing some sighs.                                     
You first must remove the blue shoes!                       
                                                            
 1035 ANATOMY - FEET                 Carol                    



To think of my feet, you are sweet,                         
And sweetness in friends is a treat.                        
Would you be so kind?                                       
I hope you won't mind,                                      
I will help myself to a seat.                               
                                                            
 1036 ANATOMY - FEET                 Archie                   



One day at the lake with no sock,                           
I was dangling my feet off the dock.                        
Then the game warden                                        
Handcuffed me regardin'                                     
The fact that the fish died from shock.                     
                                                            
 1037 ANATOMY - FEET                 Bob Badger               



A Finn who lived in Helsinki                                
Had feet that were terribly stinky.                         
What made his wife stay                                     
(The neighbors all say)                                     
Was a weakness for sex that was kinky.                      
                                                            
 1038 ANATOMY - FEET                 Macsam                   



There was an old man of the Ooze,                           
Whose daughters wore oversized shoes.                       
When the river broke out,                                   
At the end of the drought,                                  
They were much in demand as canoes.                         
                                                            
 1039 ANATOMY - FEET                 John Blyth               



Consider those objects called feet.                         
While some are exceeding petite,                            
And sweet, there are some                                   
Which decidedly hum                                         
And resemble huge platters of meat.                         
                                                            
 1040 ANATOMY - FEET                 Peter Wilkins            



But the feet that are best, by far,                         
At least to us southern boys, are                           
The ones we don't waste                                     
And have a great taste,                                     
Like pickled pigs feet in a jar.                            
                                                            
 1041 ANATOMY - FEET                 Travis Brasell           



And then there are metrical feet,                           
That used right, will make limericks sweet.                 
They total thirteen                                         
In a limerick pristine,                                     
In oom-pah-pah oom-pah-pah beat.                            
                                                            
 1042 ANATOMY - FEET                 Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady from Ryde                            
Whose shoestrings were often untied,                        
By a gent with a fetish                                     
Who enjoyed, pied a tete-ish,                               
To swallow the toe-cheese inside.                           
                                                            
 1043 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



I guess I can't wait till it snows                          
To clip the long nails off my toes;                         
My old cowboy boots                                         
Appear to have roots                                        
From twenty years growth, I suppose.                        
                                                            
 1044 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



But having long toenails is great                           
For climbing up steep hills of slate,                       
And scratching my back,                                     
Or some old whore's crack;                                  
On ice, though, it's so hard to skate.                      
                                                            
 1045 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



There was an old man of Montrose,                           
Who had the most peculiar toes.                             
They grew to such strength,                                 
And became such a length,                                   
That he tied them in 'butterfly' bows.                      
                                                            
 1046 ANATOMY - FEET                 Cyril Bibby         P9307



You know I just looked at my feet                           
And they are most incredibly neat.                          
10 little toes                                              
All in two rows;                                            
My goodness, aren't they sweet.                             
                                                            
 1047 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



There is a thing about feet                                 
That makes us the most elite;                               
Animals have paws                                           
Or maybe claws                                              
But feet?  They can't be beat!                              
                                                            
 1048 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



Feet are really neat;                                       
You can tap them to a beat.                                 
You can disco dance                                         
Or electric trance;                                         
I really do love my feet.                                   
                                                            
 1049 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



I think that's enough on feet;                              
The creativity is quite replete.                            
'Cause I have fear                                          
By way too much beer.                                       
But you must admit, they ARE sweet.                         
                                                            
 1050 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



Good heavens; I've looked and my toes                       
Are, like yours, arranged neatly in rows.                   
But I hope I'm not fated                                    
To find we're related,                                      
And have to keep rein on my hose.                           
                                                            
 1051 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



My foot's just a measuring tool;                            
I ain't making use of them, fool!                           
If you want to boff,                                        
You'd better go off                                         
And find someone who's not so cool.                         
                                                            
 1052 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



Where the sole of the foot and shoe meet                    
Is an odorous bacterial sheet,                              
That cooks all day long,                                    
Till the smell is quite strong.                             
Thank God you don't shit through your feet.                 
                                                            
 1053 ANATOMY - FEET                 MrMalo                   



Procrustes attacked with much zest,                         
When he hacked off the feet of his guest.                   
As he did so he said,                                       
"You must fit in my bed,                                    
And your feet just do not meet the test!"                   
                                                            
 1054 ANATOMY - FEET                 John C Tomlinson         



A Dixie gal living in Cohoes                                
Declared that she never had woes                            
Except that her sweet                                       
Little Tennessee feet                                       
Were narrow and had only fo' toes.                          
                                                            
 1055 ANATOMY - FEET                 William K. Alsop    P8910



On a closer look at my feet                                 
I've discovered they just can't be beat;                    
On closer inspection                                        
They are utter perfection,                                  
But the rest of me's quite obsolete!                        
                                                            
 1056 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



There was a fat fellow from Bodenham                        
Whose socks always had a huge load in 'em.                  
His weight gave him trouble;                                
It bent his shoes double                                    
And forced him to walk pigeon-toed in 'em.                  
                                                            
 1057 ANATOMY - FEET                 Armand E Singer       430



My foot is just throbbing today;                            
I wish the pain would go away.                              
I would go to see my                                        
Podiatrist if I                                             
Was not quite sure what he'd say.                           
                                                            
 1058 ANATOMY - FEET                 Gearhart                 



I kissed her red lips with intention                        
Of proceeding to things I won't mention.                    
Now who could suppose                                       
That her pretty pink toes                                   
Would grip onto my virile extension.                        
                                                            
 1059 ANATOMY - FEET                                     G0622



While visiting Arundel Castle                               
I sent my sick uncle a parcel.                              
The contents of it                                          
Were the local grey grit                                    
To rub on his sore metatarsal.                              
                                                            
 1060 ANATOMY - FEET                 Victor Gray         P9002



Now Marta has pretty small feet;                            
She's someone you're dying to meet.                         
When you've heard of her fame,                              
You'll try once again                                       
To find out just why she's so sweet!                        
                                                            
 1061 ANATOMY - FEET                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm thankful my toes are quite short                        
And are not of the long hairy sort.                         
They can pick up stuff.                                     
(But that's quite enough                                    
Of this current digit report.)                              
                                                            
 1062 ANATOMY - FEET                 Marlene                  



Limericks I cannot compose                                  
With noxious smells in my nose;                             
But this one was easy,                                      
I only felt queasy,                                         
Because I was sniffing my toes.                             
                                                            
 1063 ANATOMY - FEET                 Peter J Wilkins     P9807



Did someone here mention feet?                              
Those digits that smell none too sweet.                     
I'm holding my nose,                                        
Put them back in your shoes.                                
This warning I will not repeat!                             
                                                            
 1064 ANATOMY - FEET                 Arden                    



There once was a woman named Rose,                          
Who used SPAM for painting her toes.                        
She liked the effect,                                       
But her love life was wrecked.                              
Her tootsies offended the nose.                             
                                                            
 1065 ANATOMY - FEET                 Bob Roberds              



I took my shoes off for a while                             
But, truly, the smell was so vile,                          
I got sick and retched                                      
Until someone fetched                                       
The oxygen tank that's mobile.                              
                                                            
 1066 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



Exhales in his hand then inhales.                           
His face gets quite gray and then pales.                    
He chokes and he gasps                                      
Then his breathing rasps,                                   
He turns blue and then his heart fails.                     
                                                            
 1067 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



I can't sleep if my feet are in sight.                      
I was told that the old devil might                         
Come steal all my toes,                                     
(Why would he want those?)                                  
If they were exposed in the night.                          
                                                            
 1068 ANATOMY - FEET                 Anon                     



My toes are much colder than ice                            
But in secret I practice my vice;                           
I bend my head south                                        
And I open my mouth                                         
Then I suck them like nipples; it's nice!                   
                                                            
 1069 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



While sucking your toes, my old chum,                       
To disease you could easily succumb.                        
Just think how you'll feel                                  
When you can't chew your meal,                              
'Cause you suffer from athlete's gum.                       
                                                            
 1070 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



There once was a girl named Suzy,                           
Who never could buy any shoesy.                             
The reason, you see,                                        
Was simple.  For she                                        
Had three feet instead of just twosy.                       
                                                            
 1071 ANATOMY - FEET                 Chickenlady              



I'll dish out some rancor, my sweet;                        
Rip your clothes off right here in the street;              
Force you down on your back                                 
Take one look at your crack;                                
Then I'll do it ... I'll tickle your feet!                  
                                                            
 1072 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



My sock has a seam at the toe.                              
I know how they are s'posed to go.                          
Convention I flout --                                       
Wear mine inside out,                                       
So they won't make toe blisters grow.                       
                                                            
 1073 ANATOMY - FEET                 Marlene Lewis            



Toenails are like little trolls                             
Who make in my socks great big holes.                       
The cost is fantastic                                       
For all the elastic                                         
Of those holey, but not righteous, little soles.            
                                                            
 1074 ANATOMY - FEET                 Azul                     



His condition infrequently shows,                           
But for years it's been one of his woes.                    
Part of his don'ts and do's                                 
Is to always wear shoes,                                    
Which conceal well his prehensile toes.                     
                                                            
 1075 ANATOMY - FEET                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



To my own, my darling Marita,                               
A woman who couldn't be sweeter,                            
My love for your grows                                      
From you head to you toes,                                  
But could you sometimes wash-a you feet-a.                  
                                                            
 1076 ANATOMY - FEET                 Bob Hunt                 



A foot massage would be your treat;                         
If you let me under your feet.                              
My sensual toils                                            
With warm scented oils,                                     
Would make your dear heart skip a beat.                     
                                                            
 1077 ANATOMY - FEET                                          



A lazy old fellow named Lester                              
Went barefoot through brambles in Chester.                  
Nigh those who suspected                                    
His toes were infected,                                     
Sat Lester, just watching them fester.                      
                                                            
 1078 ANATOMY - FEET                 Cybergeezer              



There was a young lady of Stornaway                         
Who, through walking, her feet had quite worn away.         
Said she, "I don't mind,                                    
For I think I might find                                    
A most troublesome corn will have gone away.                
                                                            
 1079 ANATOMY - FEET                 Linda Marsh Coll         



A much married coot of South Bend                           
Said, "Speaking of women, my friend,                        
Blonde, redhead, brunette,                                  
Whichever you get...                                        
They're all much alike...in the end!"                       
                                                            
 1080 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Grand Prix Lim  318      



Said her highness, the Countess DeWitt,                     
"The Dukes a fluke-- a bit of a twit.                       
He has never known work                                     
And I can't stand a jerk                                    
That combs hair from the left arm pit."                     
                                                            
 1081 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Jack Benfield            



You should see my old cousin Maggie;                        
Her pits are so smelly and shaggy,                          
No suitor's been found                                      
Who could ever come 'round                                  
Without getting all grossed-out and gaggy.                  
                                                            
 1082 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Mary                     



A lovely young girl called Mary                             
Had armpits alarmingly hairy.                               
She said, "Hey relax,                                       
I just ran out of wax,                                      
But I'm sure I look kind of scary."                         
                                                            
 1083 ANATOMY - HAIR                                          



A young Yankee fellow in France,                            
Bedded a young lady by chance.                              
Her hairy armpits                                           
Gave him major fits...                                      
He looked for it just in her pants.                         
                                                            
 1084 ANATOMY - HAIR                                          



There is a young girl from Port Perry;                      
Already assume that she's scary.                            
Tall and quite wide,                                        
Port Perry's pride;                                         
Her armpits, not shaved, are quite hairy!                   
                                                            
 1085 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Dudesdead                



A sleeveless young woman named Spitz,                       
Refused to shave both of her pits;                          
Now her underarm hair                                       
Causes many to stare,                                       
For it reaches the floor, when she sits.                    
                                                            
 1086 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Cap'n Bean          P9911



I'd rather have fingers than toes;                          
I'd rather have ears than a nose;                           
And as for my hair,                                         
I'm glad it's all there:                                    
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.                           
                                                            
 1087 ANATOMY - HAIR                 G. Burgess          L1225



I'd rather have habits than clothes,                        
For that's where my intellect shows.                        
And as for my hair,                                         
Do you think I should care                                  
To comb it at night with my toes.                           
                                                            
 1088 ANATOMY - HAIR                 G. Burgess               



Our Arch has an ironing board                               
That's better, by far, than a sword.                        
He won't stab the girls;                                    
He presses their curls.                                     
I wonder how often he's scored.                             
                                                            
 1089 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Marlene Lewis            



For all of the girls carry a torch.                         
I take them all out on their porch.                         
My iron unfurls                                             
While pressing their curls,                                 
And leaving a scorch on their dorch.                        
                                                            
 1090 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Archie                   



When young I detested my hair cut,                          
Though father insisted I must. But                          
I spent all the money                                       
On donuts and honey,                                        
And magazine "Big Tits", and "Smut".                        
                                                            
 1091 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Peter Wilkins            



But now they employ a young girl                            
To wash, cut and blow-dry my curl.                          
I go once a week                                            
For the thrills that I seek,                                
From my bosomy short-skirted Shirl.                         
                                                            
 1092 ANATOMY - HAIR                                          



There was a young lady named Shirley,                       
Whose hair was decided curly.                               
It had never been cut,                                      
It reached down to her butt;                                
To comb it she had to rise early.                           
                                                            
 1093 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A couple once met at Cape Pearl;                            
They both wore hair long in a swirl.                        
They got married of course,                                 
But they got a divorce,                                     
For each figured that he got the girl.                      
                                                            
 1094 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2222



As to plucking I can only say OUCH!                         
To nightmares 'bout that I can vouch.                       
While in someplace shady                                    
With my Epilady,                                            
For days I was mostly a grouch.                             
                                                            
 1095 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Faerie                   



There once was a fellow named Buzz,                         
Whose bald head was covered with fuzz.                      
Said his best friend, McNutt,                               
"It feels like my wife's butt."                             
Said Buzz, "It most certainly does"!                        
                                                            
 1096 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Observer                 



There once were three fellows from Gary,                    
Named Larry and Harry and Barry.                            
Now Harry was bare                                          
As an egg or a pear,                                        
But Larry and Barry were hairy.                             
                                                            
 1097 ANATOMY - HAIR                                          



These wry words from a bachelor named Burt:                 
"You must have what it takes when you flirt;                
A full head of hair                                         
Or bald, isn't square --                                    
It's the inbetween stages that hurt."                       
                                                            
 1098 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Armand E Singer       728



There was a young woman named Sue                           
Who pinned up her ringlets with glue.                       
But her lover objected                                      
When her scalp got infected,                                
And his balls got stuck in the goo.                         
                                                            
 1099 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Senility Raines     P0800



I wanted a permanent wave;                                  
Told the lady the look that I crave.                        
She sat me down;                                            
Turned me into a clown;                                     
I am Ronald McDonald's new rave!                            
                                                            
 1100 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Marlene Lewis            



I've heard that the gals on the farms                       
Are proud of the hairs on their arms.                       
It does advertise                                           
A good beaver size,                                         
As well as their obvious charms.                            
                                                            
 1101 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Frank                    



I've got this gross hair on my knee,                        
'Cause I ain't been shaving it, see?                        
It just kept on growing                                     
When I stopped the mowing.                                  
So now it's foot long - about three.                        
                                                            
 1102 ANATOMY - HAIR                                          



All men will be aging, my dear,                             
And losing their scalp hair, I fear;                        
New growth will plague us                                   
Instead on the TRAGUS.                                      
In time it will look like pigs ear.                         
                                                            
 1103 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Chris Papa               



A smart lady killer and flitter,                            
Once left a young girl when he'd fit her.                   
What was left for the wench                                 
As a cure for the wrench --                                 
A hair off the dog that had bit her.                        
                                                            
 1104 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P8602



Dear Ladies, it's really not fair                           
That once monthly, you suffer despair.                      
Most men too, have grief;                                   
There is no relief,                                         
Daily stripping of fresh facial hair.                       
                                                            
 1105 ANATOMY - HAIR                 jplea123                 



What's so bad about shaving your face?                      
When women must shave every place,                          
Or face ridicule                                            
When they swim at the pool,                                 
Their unshaven legs a disgrace!                             
                                                            
 1106 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Dave Seymour             



The male has grief, I am sure,                              
From cutting away his chin fur.                             
Much better it bare                                         
Than rub my thighs rare;                                    
I advise you of this, my dear sir!                          
                                                            
 1107 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Dave Seymour             



So if I arrive at your place                                
With a freshly clean-shaven face,                           
You'd then think it wise                                    
To relinquish your thighs,                                  
And my chin with them embrace.                              
                                                            
 1108 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Dave Seymour             



Some cultures think we are obsessed                         
With how women look when they're dressed.                   
If you can see hair,                                        
Remove it from there;                                       
We think that shaved armpits are best.                      
                                                            
 1109 ANATOMY - HAIR                                          



Hairy armpits may pass the test,                            
For Europeans think it is best.                             
But when going down,                                        
To start fooling around,                                    
Shaved beavers are better'n the rest!                       
                                                            
 1110 ANATOMY - HAIR                                          



Anita, Anita McNaught!                                      
I wept when your hair was cut short.                        
Did you tear it to bits?                                    
Was it ringworm or nits?                                    
Or some cheapish shampoo that you bought?                   
                                                            
 1111 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Patrick Moore, Aukland   



When she met a man pogonotrophic,                           
She fixed on thoughts only erotic.                          
Till one day she was scratched                              
By one really tough-thatched--                              
Incidentally, turned out lycanthropic.                      
(pogonotrophy - beard growing; lycanthrophic - werewolf)    
 1112 ANATOMY - HAIR                                     G2721



One day while combing my hair,                              
I looked at my shoulder and stared.                         
What could it be?                                           
Is that dandruff I see?                                     
I must get some brand new hair care.                        
                                                            
 1113 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Limbo               T9712



The chief delectation of summer                             
Is sport on TV for what's rummer                            
Than nostril and gristle                                    
Against kneecap and bristle                                 
To prove other nations are dumber?                          
                                                            
 1114 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Laura Garrett            



In New Orleans dwelled a young Creole                       
Who, when asked if her hair was all reole,                  
Replied with a shrug,                                       
"Just give it a tug,                                        
And decide by the way that I squeole."                      
                                                            
 1115 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Alben Barkley            



The way people fashion their hair,                          
Would cause even Samson to stare.                           
They stew it and blue it                                    
And sometimes they glue it,                                 
Until it looks like lacquerware.                            
                                                            
 1116 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Timothy Torkildson       



How long?  Well, when down -- past my knees;                
When up -- I can't walk under trees;                        
I just let it flow                                          
Wherever I go,                                              
And dangle its length in the breeze.                        
                                                            
 1117 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Travis Brasell           



Why, it appears that's very long!                           
Your hair must be extremely strong.                         
I don't mean to jive ya;                                    
Are you Mr Godiva?                                          
If so, may I travel along?                                  
                                                            
 1118 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Bridget                  



Because of its length, strength, and weight,                
My stylist, Miss Ann "Tissy" Pate,                          
Will stay late at night                                     
To do it up right,                                          
And charge me a fee that I hate.                            
                                                            
 1119 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Travis Brasell           



Mary Frances is known as a fox                              
'Cause her hair trails down to her socks.                   
Her Connecticut beaux                                       
Race their old GTO's                                        
And whoever is first, Windsor Locks.                        
                                                            
 1120 ANATOMY - HAIR                 Robert Sutton      TP9901



There's an odd sort of broad in Jonquieres   (Pierre)       
Who preferred it with everything bare.                      
And even professed it                                       
Was better, divested                                        
Of all her superfluous hair.                                
                                                            
 1121 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Keith MacMillan       40b



A young alopecic named Jill                                 
Was, with her disease, in a thrill.                         
It went to her toes                                         
Up just to her nose.                                        
Her razor bills? Zero to nil.                               
                                                            
 1122 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          H Welchel                



There was a young man from Burley,                          
Who went bald incredibly early.                             
It made him so mad,                                         
Which was really sad,                                       
'Cause his hair was so dark and so curly.                   
                                                            
 1123 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Chris Pugh               



Now let's hear it for Julian K. Bopp                        
Whose hair early on started to drop.                        
Without flurry or worry,                                    
He nicknamed himself "Surrey"                               
Because of the fringe on his top.                           
                                                            
 1124 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



A follicly challenged young man,                            
Who was hairless as anyone can                              
Be, collected the dung                                      
From our Bessie and flung                                   
It all over his head with elan.                             
                                                            
 1125 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



Then sat in his living room beaming                         
Inanely while all the time dreaming                         
Of long golden locks                                        
From his head to his socks                                  
As the dung on his head began steaming.                     
                                                            
 1126 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



It worked? Yes it did; how amazing!                         
The problem, of course, he was raising                      
Not hair but a patch                                        
Of long grass for a thatch,                                 
On which rabbits and sheep are now grazing.                 
                                                            
 1127 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



Said a baldheaded fellow named Dean,                        
"I consider the Lord rather mean                            
For creating this botch --                                  
Wasting hair on the crotch,                                 
A spot where it's not often seen."                          
                                                            
 1128 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          A. N. Wilkins       P8602



Oh dammit, this just isn't fair                             
I've spent all my life wanting hair.                        
Now every young beaut                                       
Is bald as a coot.                                          
I truly am now in despair.                                  
                                                            
 1129 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Frank                    



A facial hirsuteness had Grace,                             
Yet below she had nary a trace.                             
With a cunt for a mouth,                                    
She went naked down south,                                  
And wore panties to cover her face.                         
                                                            
 1130 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



Grace made a mint turning tricks                            
With her incredible cunt that licks.                        
Some Johns were amused                                      
But most were confused;                                     
Was that a sixty-nine or a ninety-six?                      
                                                            
 1131 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



There once was a man from Lake Placid,                      
Who rubbed his scalp with Miracid.                          
He hoped that his pate                                      
Would yield a crop great,                                   
Even though it would make his prick flacid.                 
(Miracid - commercial expensive fertilizer)                 
 1132 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



The balding man's battle is grueling;                       
He's constantly spinning and spooling!                      
He worships his hair                                        
And he seems not to care,                                   
That it's only himself that he's fooling!                   
                                                            
 1133 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



Said my teenager son with a frown,                          
"I'm the only young man in this town                        
With a skin that's quite bare...                            
No fuzz and no hair...                                      
I'm the boy who forgot to grow down!"                       
                                                            
 1134 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Tom Baker           P8806



A senile old fellow, Griswold,                              
Was bragging, "My hair loss has stalled.                    
My comb stays quite clean,                                  
'Cause I've made the scene,"                                
No wonder! The old guy is bald.                             
                                                            
 1135 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Thomas M Patton     P9901



There was an old idiot from Sharon,                         
Who thought of himself as a Baron.                          
At a party one night,                                       
He demanded his right.                                      
He departed without any hair on.                            
                                                            
 1136 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Jim Weaver Collection    



As the hair on my head disappears,                          
It sometimes will bring me to tears.                        
There's hair on my face                                     
And one other place;                                        
It's growing now out of my ears.                            
                                                            
 1137 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



A silly young fellow named Fred,                            
Had a face that was rosy and red.                           
It's either that rash                                       
Or an unbridled pash,                                       
For a guy with an just-shaven head.                         
                                                            
 1138 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Bastion Resthins         



I've often been tempted to trade                            
My head for a noggin more hayed.                            
But musing a tad,                                           
I conclude I am glad,                                       
Like Ogg, to be making the greyed.                          
                                                            
 1139 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Hugh Clary               



But didn't you hear bald is in?                             
There's lots of young hearts you can win.                   
So smooth and so fine,                                      
And doesn't it shine.                                       
Replacing it now is a sin!                                  
                                                            
 1140 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Bridget                  



There was a young girl from Kildare,                        
Who went on a date with the mayor.                          
When he tried to kiss her,                                  
She said: "No way, Mister!                                  
You don't have a full head of hair."                        
                                                            
 1141 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



To see who is bald, don't draw straws.                      
You gimme your pictures because                             
Just to be quite fair                                       
I will count your hair,                                     
But not include those in your schnozz.                      
                                                            
 1142 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



I tried using Nair on my legs:                              
They turned red and swelled up like kegs.                   
You might like the swell                                    
But, that rash is Hell!                                     
Don't try that stuff on 'em, I begs.                        
                                                            
 1143 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



There lives a man in Bel Air,                               
Who is rapidly losing his hair.                             
His ego is strained                                         
But thank God for Rogaine;                                  
His head will no longer be bare!                            
                                                            
 1144 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Buckeyell                



Pilgaric had date with young lady;                          
Intentions with her were quite shady.                       
When rug he had wangled                                     
By accident dangled,                                        
"Drop dead, man" she said, "You're past eighty!"            
                                                            
 1145 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Elois                    



There was an old man of Kildare                             
Who didn't have very much hair.                             
His head got so cold,                                       
By his wife I was told,                                     
That he sat upside down on his chair!                       
                                                            
 1146 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Helen Dowd               



We gals had a party today                                   
And shaved all of our hair away.                            
You'll just have to wait                                    
And master your bait,                                       
Until it grows back -- about May.                           
                                                            
 1147 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



I attended this tonsorial bash,                             
And now have a bad razor rash.                              
It's all red and prickly                                    
And really looks sickly.                                    
It's lacking it usual panache.                              
                                                            
 1148 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



A barbershop trainer named Greg                             
With his students, got drunk on a keg;                      
When he woke the next morn,                                 
His hair was all shorn,                                     
And his head was as smooth as an egg.                       
                                                            
 1149 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Cap'n Bean          P0211



There was Maggie, the lass with the shag;                   
One night we were all in the bag                            
And we shaved her quite clean.                              
'Twas a sight to be seen;                                   
She looked like a grizzly in drag.                          
                                                            
 1150 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Larry                    



Now it didn't give Maggie much pain,                        
Till it started to grow out again.                          
Then she scratched and she twitched                         
As her pelt grew and itched,                                
And they locked the gal up for insane.                      
                                                            
 1151 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Larry                    



Now the story did not end right there;                      
They were also transporting a bear.                         
And a violent twitch                                        
Their positions did switch;                                 
Check the zoo out, 'cause Maggie's down there.              
                                                            
 1152 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Larry                    



A man with a soupcon of flair,                              
Has given every one a scare.                                
His head's now so cool                                      
And he looks like a fool;                                   
For Jim's shaved off all of his hair!                       
                                                            
 1153 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Anon                     



As I'm sure you're obscurely aware,                         
There are parts where the body has hair;                    
Though the Sioux, by repute,                                
Who eschewed the hirsute,                                   
Found it groovy to prune a few bare.                        
                                                            
 1154 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          `homas A. Quinine   P8301



When younger, I had lots of hair --                         
Full golden locks that were fair.                           
As I've gotten older,                                       
I've noticed I'm colder;                                    
Some places are suddenly bare.                              
                                                            
 1155 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Dirruk                   



A strange thing it is about hair.                           
(I speak here of men, to be fair).                          
They comb, brush and fuss                                   
And often times cuss                                        
Over something that soon won't be there.                    
                                                            
 1156 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Macsam                   



An ill-tempered fellow named Knopp                          
Soon lost most the hair from his mop;                       
Well as he grew bald         (The human race galls him,)    
He came to be called         (So every one calls him)       
The surly with fringe on the top.                           
                                                            
 1157 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Armand E Singer       634



A pet store employee named Blair                            
Was missing a small patch of hair.                          
A tarantula crawled                                         
To the spot that was bald,                                  
And nobody noticed it their.                                
                                                            
 1158 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Tillmanator              



I once knew this girl named Cher,                           
Who once had a nice head of hair.                           
"I brushed it," she said,                                   
"Each night before bed,                                     
Until my scalp was quite bare!"                             
                                                            
 1159 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Rinoa Heartly            



Distressed at his vanishing follicles.                      
He consulted the very best oracles,                         
Then sent off his money                                     
For "Vitamin Honey"                                         
Which shrank both his pecker and bollicles.                 
                                                            
 1160 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



A randy young girl with no hair,                            
Promised bliss if I shaved myself bare.                     
But my scrotum is wrinkly                                   
And awfully crinkly;                                        
The hell I can shave myself there.                          
                                                            
 1161 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Peter Wilkins            



I once tried the product named "Nair"                       
For removing that hard-to-get hair --                       
Which left all my crabs                                     
Scaling mountains of scabs,                                 
And my girl up and left me.  Not fair!                      
                                                            
 1162 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



I made me a singeing invention                              
That's powered by electrical tension.                       
I'll give you my word;                                      
It works on a bird                                          
And also on parts I won't mention.                          
                                                            
 1163 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          H Welchel                



This bald Polly's wish is not new;                          
There'll be fewer nicks if you                              
Lay it out straight.                                        
She charts her fate;                                        
"You must chew the pubes you eschew"                        
                                                            
 1164 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD                                   



Who are all these coots who are bald?                       
Do I know them?  What are they called?                      
No cooties on me,                                           
'Cause my peachfuzzy                                        
Self is all washed 'fore it's mauled.                       
                                                            
 1165 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Marlene Lewis            



The appalling Paul Baldo of Spaulding,                      
When he found he was rapidly balding,                       
Rubbed his head on the spot                                 
Miss Scott squats a lot...                                  
Now he ain't only balding...he's scalding!                  
                                                            
 1166 ANATOMY - HAIR - BALD          Grand Prix Lim  249      



The hairiest really is Brenda.                              
No shaving is on her agenda.                                
The hair from her pits                                      
Grows over her tits                                         
To meet with that from her pudenda.                         
                                                            
 1167 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY                                   



A cowboy from out in Calgary,                               
Had a girl friend who dressed in a sari.                    
She was terribly fat,                                       
But he didn't mind that,                                    
But he disliked her being so hairy.                         
                                                            
 1168 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          Roy Gateley              



A fellow named William John Lew,                            
Got more hairy each year as he grew.                        
Unable one day                                              
To shave it away,                                           
He sighed, "Call me Winnie-the-Pooh!"                       
                                                            
 1169 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY                              P9405



Of misfortune, Bill's making the best,                      
At a peep show displaying his chest.                        
For a nominal fee,                                          
We're invited to see                                        
The hairiest tits in the west.                              
                                                            
 1170 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



An American fellow named Larry                              
And his girlfriend decided to marry.                        
On their wedding night                                      
He got such a fright;                                       
"I didn't know girls were hairy!"                           
                                                            
 1171 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY                                   



A man from the North, called Adair,                         
When he washed, never took proper care.                     
At first it was spots,                                      
Then rashes, then lots                                      
Of patches of unwanted hair.                                
                                                            
 1172 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          Michael Palin            



Young stocky built hairy Denise                             
Went to hike in remote parts of Greece.                     
On day, far off track                                       
While she bared her low back,                               
An old shepherd came raking her fleece.                     
                                                            
 1173 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          Ulla                     



A very nice lady named Sherry,                              
Who chest had begun to get hairy--                          
Said, "Well that is it!                                     
Hormones are for shit!                                      
At this rate I never will marry."                           
                                                            
 1174 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          Frank Ward          P9311



There once was a girl call "The Beast"                      
Whose skin did not show in the least.                       
She was covered with hair,                                  
And she smelled like a bear,                                
So all of her friendships ceased.                           
                                                            
 1175 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          Emily Kocubinski         



I heard that in hair, you don't lack.                       
Though what fell off your head fills a sack,                
Or at least a small jar.                                    
It didn't fall far.                                         
It's now covering half of your back!                        
                                                            
 1176 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY                                   



A clever young fellow named Brickley,                       
Insipid and haggard and sickly.                             
But his wife was not meek                                   
With her manly physique,                                    
For the hair on her chest sprouted thickly.                 
                                                            
 1177 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          Albin Chaplin   3024-2470



Oh, why must I have so much hair?                           
My armpits, my chest, and....down there,                    
My nose legs and back,                                      
And way up in my crack;                                     
Sans clothes I'm still "ready to wear".                     
                                                            
 1178 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY          John Patrick Riley       



Hot sex with my gal is the best;                            
Though, at times, she does likes to rest.                   
I've never complained;                                      
I'm quite entertained;                                      
Just quietly shaving her chest!                             
                                                            
 1179 ANATOMY - HAIR - BODY                                   



My girlfriend's a strawberry blond,                         
Who confers with the spirits beyond;                        
When she turns out the light                                
And snuggles up tight,                                      
Who cares if they never respond.                            
                                                            
 1180 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0116         



Are you sure when you turn out the light,                   
You're alone with your gal in the night?                    
You may be appalled                                         
When the spirits she's called                               
Come to watch from above just for spite!                    
                                                            
 1181 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Annie Jay                



Now please don't give me a fright;                          
How dreadful if you should be right.                        
The spirits I know                                          
All come from below,                                        
And such thoughts don't appeal to me, quite.                
                                                            
 1182 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller              



My girlfriend's a stunning brunette,                        
Who claims nobody got to her yet.                           
As we pet by the fire,                                      
Building mutual desire;                                     
We'll soon remedy that, you can bet!                        
                                                            
 1183 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0117         



My girlfriend has hair of bright red,                       
Disarrayed when we tumble in bed.                           
And her patch of red fuzz                                   
Really tickles me 'cause                                    
It's a soft as the hair on her head.                        
                                                            
 1184 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0118         



My girlfriend has rich auburn hair,                         
To set off her skin, oh so fair.                            
It all looks just right,                                    
Then we turn out the light;                                 
How she looks then, I really don't care.                    
                                                            
 1185 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0119         



My girlfriend has hair glossy black,                        
Frames her face as she lies on her back,                    
With her legs all akimbo.                                   
She's a real classy bimbo;                                  
I can't wait to get her in the sack.                        
                                                            
 1186 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0120         



My girlfriend has hair alsmost white,                       
Translucent when seen in good light.                        
Without trace of a curl,                                    
She's a delicate girl,                                      
A delicious though fragile delight.                         
                                                            
 1187 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0121         



I don't really mind the white hair;                         
Many beautiful girls are quite fair.                        
But what really counts                                      
To a man as he mounts,                                      
Is how tight she is down there.                             
                                                            
 1188 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Mr Malo                  



That tightness can be controlled,                           
(If I may be ever so bold)                                  
To improve the tussle,                                      
She must flex that muscle,                                  
Then your ardor will never grow cold.                       
                                                            
 1189 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Mr Malo                  



My girlfriend has hair of spun gold;                        
She's brassy, she's brash, and she's bold.                  
She knows what to do,                                       
And insists on it too.                                      
So with her I just do what I'm told.                        
                                                            
 1190 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0122         



My girlfriend has hair turning grey                         
And I guess I helped make it that way.                      
I think it's divine,                                        
It goes well with mine,                                     
And she's there when I need her each day.                   
                                                            
 1191 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         John Miller 0125         



My husband, whose nickname is Red,                          
Has very few hairs on his head.                             
The name, I deduce,                                         
Is from hairs that turned loose.                            
The hairs that were red have all fled.                      
                                                            
 1192 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Reminisce           P9310



To women, I do beg their pardon;                            
Red-headed girls can be ardent.                             
But mostly I'm fond                                         
Of big-busted blondes;                                      
They're the ones that will make my dong harden.             
                                                            
 1193 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Tiddy Ogg                



I once knew a girl, Brenda Chomondleigh,                    
Of figure and face she was comely.                          
Her hair it was fair,                                       
But of brain -- nothing there;                              
Most typically blondely and domondleigh.                    
                                                            
 1194 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Tiddy Ogg                



Adorned with long blonde flowing locks,                     
She attracts men around her in flocks.                      
Who later in bed,                                           
Find the hair on her head                                   
Far fairer that than on her box.                            
                                                            
 1195 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Bob Giandomenico    P9007



You girls with dark tresses, beg pardon!                    
But seen in our town's public garden,                       
All girls catch my eye,                                     
But can you tell me why,                                    
The blondes give me more of a hard-un?                      
                                                            
 1196 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



Most blondes have been wrongly maligned,                    
The victims of remarks unkind.                              
They're simpletons -- not!                                  
Men love what they've got,                                  
Though brains aren't what we've got on our mind!            
                                                            
 1197 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Liam na Beag             



If that's what you think, then you've not                   
Met up with my ex-wife, who got                             
Commitment from me,                                         
Though ugly she be,                                         
By threatening my neck with the knot!                       
                                                            
 1198 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Liam na Beag             



What is it with people these days?                          
And what sort of kids do they raise?                        
My looks they reject;                                       
Don't get no respect,                                       
Now I've entered my blue-hair phase.                        
                                                            
 1199 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Marlene Lewis            



There was a beautician named Lynn;                          
What she did to her hair was a sin.                         
With her bottled red hair,                                  
She looked like a mare,                                     
And her mother'd not claim her as kin.                      
                                                            
 1200 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Virginia Rhodes     P9302



On a date with a redhead, young Ray                         
Did observe that her crotch was all gray.                   
He complained that her snatch                               
And her head did not match,                                 
So she put on a matching toupee.                            
                                                            
 1201 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Albin Chaplin            



Said a fair-headed maiden of Klondike,                      
"Of you I'm exceedingly fond, Ike.                          
To prove I adore you                                        
I'll dye, darling, for you,                                 
And be a brunette, not a blonde, Ike."                      
                                                            
 1202 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Langford Reed            



I left my blonde bimbo in tears                             
When I said "Were your brain made, my dear,                 
Of pure dynamite,                                           
And you set it alight,                                      
It would not blow the wax from your ears."                  
                                                            
 1203 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Tiddy Ogg                



His daughter told Harold, "Don't bother                     
To color your hair. I would rather                          
Just see it go gray                                         
As a test, if I may!                                        
To me, you're the world's gray test father!                 
                                                            
 1204 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



When searching for hair of a hue,                           
Please take this advice, me to you:                         
At our University                                           
You'll spy such diversity,                                  
And Lime, Orange and Hot Pink hair, too.                    
                                                            
 1205 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



I once knew a lady called Mary;                             
Her tits were incredibly  hairy.                            
Hair of every known hue                                     
including green and blue,                                   
But her nipples the colour would vary                       
                                                            
 1206 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



But how could Fred possibly know                            
My hair color on top or below.                              
He could hardly see.                                        
Blind as a bat, he                                          
Groped me like he was kneading dough.                       
                                                            
 1207 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



Well, that ain't what ol' Fred once said                    
When you came down here and were fed;                       
He said for dessert                                         
You gave him "real hurt" --                                 
He blamed that blonde hair on your head.                    
                                                            
 1208 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



Next mornin' ol' Fred sniffed his hands                     
And swore he could smell the same brands                    
Of dye that a blonde                                        
Whore down by the pond                                      
Once used and rubbed off of her strands.                    
                                                            
 1209 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



You sure she was real and not bottle                        
Blonde?  Many (although not the lottle)                     
Are.  Did you just check                                    
Her from head down to neck                                  
And not notice the fluff on her twattle?                    
                                                            
 1210 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



My guy has hair nice shade of red,                          
But who cares 'bout the hair on his head.                   
Red, black, blond, or brown,                                
It really comes down                                        
To the way we commune in the bed.                           
                                                            
 1211 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm glad my hair's a fiery red,                             
Else you boys all would be dead.                            
Those "jokes" about blonds                                  
Of which you're so fond,                                    
Once and for all, should be shed.                           
                                                            
 1212 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Arden                    



There once was a young man called Lee,                      
Whose head was just like a pea.                             
His face was as green                                       
As a fresh runner bean,                                     
And his hair was just like brocolli.                        
                                                            
 1213 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Bezz                     



You're invited to my party carrot-top;                      
The revelry will go on non-stop.                            
Your head must be red                                       
And not just on your head.                                  
Doesn't matter if you're Irish or Wop.                      
                                                            
 1214 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         S C Saint                



I am a blonde and I'm proud.                                
(And also of being endowed.)                                
I won't be your bimbo                                       
But we could play limbo.                                    
Would you like to play quiet or loud?                       
                                                            
 1215 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Claire                   



Remember when boffing a blonde,                             
To pretend of her tresses you're fond.                      
If you don't, she will cry,                                 
And threaten to dye                                         
Her curls to a color unsound.                               
                                                            
 1216 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady of Ryde,                             
Whose locks were considerably dyed.                         
The hue of her hair                                         
Made everyone stare.                                        
"She's piebald, she'll die bald!" they cried                
                                                            
 1217 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         CONTEST WINNER 1908 P9412



"A blond with two brain cell extant."                       
Said the doc, "Though it seems extravagant,                 
One's 'neath her hair,                                      
The other's down there...                                   
You see, my dear sir, she's pregnant.                       
                                                            
 1218 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Tiddy Ogg                



A dyslexic old actress called Edna,                         
Dyed her locks blue, with three drops of reddener.          
They said, "What gorgeous hair!                             
Are you purple elsewhere?"                                  
She said, "Everywhere but my pundenda."                     
                                                            
 1219 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Barry Humphries     P9603



An American girl is sweet Sue,                              
Her hair, throughout life, changes hue;                     
I find her erotic,                                          
With locks patriotic:                                       
Born red, turned to white, now dyed blue.                   
                                                            
 1220 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



The colours of autumn in Maine                              
Could easily drive me insane --                             
That bushy-topped mound                                     
With umber around,                                          
Reminds me of red-heads again.                              
                                                            
 1221 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



I once knew a stylist, it's true,                           
Who was asked to dye her you-who;                           
She wanted a match                                          
For her head to her snatch,                                 
And was willing to pay him his due.                         
                                                            
 1222 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



My hair is brown I often say,                               
To put it in a flattering way.                              
It sounds better, rather,                                   
Than descriptive blather,                                   
But doesn't diminish the grey.                              
                                                            
 1223 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Karen                    



This isn't one word of a lie:                               
One lover used pubic hair dye.                              
I woke the next day                                         
Amid tufts of grey,                                         
And tongue-prints all over my thigh.                        
                                                            
 1224 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



My sister has gone far "beyond";                            
I was simply waving my wand.                                
Now that silly dame                                         
Has a new claim to fame,                                    
She's now gone and made herself blonde!                     
                                                            
 1225 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR                                  



"There's nouns called collective, Ms Johns,"                
I edified, "Bevies of swans --                              
Of locks, there's a barrel,                                 
Of mules, there's a sterile,                                
And of course, there's a void of blondes."                  
                                                            
 1226 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Hugh Clary               



A fellow with his magic wand                                
Had a flapper's bikini undonned.                            
It settled a dispute                                        
That raged -- whether this cute                             
Young girl was a genuine blonde.                            
                                                            
 1227 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Bill Backe-Hansen   P8602



Said the gray-haired lady, Miss Wood,                       
"I'd color my hair if I could.                              
But I've heard it said,                                     
When I've shown my head,                                    
That only the young dye good,"                              
                                                            
 1228 ANATOMY - HAIR - COLOR         Elizabeth Estes          



If you've seen my back, when it's bare,                     
You'd know that there is little hair.                       
But look at my ears,                                        
There's too much for shears,                                
I have several braids growing there.                        
                                                            
 1229 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



Abject villains cause our teeth to gnash                    
And to act out in fashions most rash.                       
Stalin, Hitler, in toto,                                    
Add to them Hirohito,                                       
Saddam too, wore or wears a moustache.                      
                                                            
 1230 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



A hirsute young man from New Haven                          
Had a definite loathing for shavin'.                        
He let his beard grow,                                      
But had to go slow,                                         
As it always got caught in the pavin. (courtly dance?)      
                                                            
 1231 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Baxter Sperry       P0111



There was an old woman who feared                           
That her age made her frightening and wierd.                
She had so many ops                                         
To tighten her chops,                                       
That she woke up one day with a beard.                      
                                                            
 1232 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Cerebus                  



Teresa's a girl who likes beards,                           
Or so goes the stories I've heard.                          
In fact she likes hair                                      
Where most men are bare;                                    
I think that's decidedly weird!                             
                                                            
 1233 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



Although she's a girl who is sweet,                         
And her height it is only 5 feet,                           
She'd set you on fire                                       
To the heights of desire,                                   
Until you were feeling replete.                             
                                                            
 1234 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



Her tally of beards it is mounting;                         
So many the numbers past counting.                          
The result of her score                                     
Of a thousand or more,                                      
Has led to a course in Accounting.                          
                                                            
 1235 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



Most of you are familiar                                    
With the hairs in your nose called cilia.                   
When they grow too long,                                    
You look like King Kong,                                    
So cut them off short, my friend, will ya?                  
                                                            
 1236 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Al Willis                



There was an old man from Whitehaven,                       
Whose whiskers had never been shaven;                       
He said, "It is best,                                       
For they make a nice nest,                                  
In which I can keep my pet raven."                          
                                                            
 1237 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Michael Kilgarriff  P9309



The voters all think it's a pisser,                         
That neither have hair on their kisser.                     
If Gore had a beard,                                        
His Bush would be feared,                                   
And you will have got you a hisser.                         
                                                            
 1238 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



I knew an old black gent named Mose,                        
Who said, "Hair ain't lost when it goes.                    
It can cause strife,                                        
Falling early in life,                                      
But it's later reborn in the nose."                         
                                                            
 1239 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Observer                 



Alitalia girls earn decent cash                             
They all have great charm and panache,                      
Like the one on this flight                                 
With hair black as night,                                   
And also a sexy moustache.                                  
                                                            
 1240 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



The Man Inside The Iron Mask.                               
It's time someone should Dumas ask--                        
He breathed. He spoke.                                      
Did he also choke                                           
With shaving such an unsolved task?                         
                                                            
 1241 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Irving Superior     P9102



A lady, both callous and brash                              
Met a man with a vast black moustache.                      
She cried, "Shave it, please do!                            
And I'll put it with glue                                   
And wear it as a sort of panache."                          
                                                            
 1242 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Edward Gorey             



There is a fair girl at Le Sueur,                           
Whose upper lip's cover with fur.                           
Yet this adds but a charm,                                  
To her father' big farm,                                    
And the bachelors run after her.                            
                                                            
 1243 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



A shamefaced young hippie has testified                     
That although his mustache is just as wide                  
As ever it was,                                             
The strength of its fuzz                                    
Is all gone, for he's used too much pesticide.              
                                                            
 1244 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Norm Storer              



My moustache I thought I might shave,                       
But about it she does rave.                                 
She loves how its tickles;                                  
Give her the giggles,                                       
When it rubs just below her nave.                           
                                                            
 1245 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



Up top it tickles clitoris,                                 
While my tongue goes where she's sorest                     
And aches for the lick                                      
That can't come from a prick.                               
I know that she does adore us.                              
                                                            
 1246 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



And when she is moist and giggling,                         
I think it's time for some mingling,                        
Of my peg and her slot                                      
To get us both hot;                                         
This is much more than an inkling.                          
                                                            
 1247 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



A beard is for warmin' her thighs,                          
While a moustache her clitty likewise;                      
Should heat to a point                                      
Where you take out your joint,                              
And her innermost feelings baptize.                         
                                                            
 1248 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



There's nothing that's dumber or sillier                    
Than the hairs in your nose labeled cilia.                  
They stick out so far,                                      
And they look quite bizarre,                                
And I knew that this treatise would thrill ya.              
                                                            
 1249 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Al Willis           P9601



I've got hairs in my nose that extend to                    
The top of my neck and which then do                        
A tight interlace                                           
With the chin on my face,                                   
So my nose won't fall off when I achhchoo!                  
                                                            
 1250 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Eric Hinds               



A practical fellow named Mose                               
Once said, "Hair ain't lost when it goes.                   
Though it may cause you pain,                               
As it slips down the drain,                                 
It later grows back in your nose."                          
                                                            
 1251 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Anon                     



It's rumored that girls love affairs                        
With men who have long nasal hairs.                         
These gals are not fickle;                                  
They just like the tickle                                   
It gives them, down where the skin tears.                   
                                                            
 1252 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        SFA                      



Well damn!  That explains why young Rose                    
Examined my frame, head to toes,                            
With only a glance                                          
At the bulge in my pants,                                   
But stared half the day at my nose!                         
                                                            
 1253 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Travis Brasell           



One evening, while stirring her pot,                        
I sneezed and she thought it was snot.                      
Suffice it to say                                           
That after that lay,                                        
She carried a bun rather hot.                               
                                                            
 1254 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        SFA                      



I decided to grow me a beard;                               
Some folks say it looks kinda weird.                        
But after a week                                            
Of scratching my cheek,                                     
Tomorrow I'm gonna get sheared.                             
                                                            
 1255 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL                                 



A young woman's husband went sailing,                       
And he returned home without ailing,                        
But he'd shaved his moustache,                              
And now she's abashed,                                      
To adjust to its lack, she's been failing.                  
                                                            
 1256 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Jim Weaver Collection    



An elderly actress named Gray                               
Tried to smooth all her wrinkles away;                      
But the cream that she bought                               
Wasn't quite what she thought,                              
And she grew a long beard in a day.                         
                                                            
 1257 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Don Mulford              



The affection of Eleanor Weird                              
Was the passion that Roosevelt feared;                      
And 'twas not that she stank,                               
Or the fact that she drank,                                 
'Twas the way that she sported a beard.                     
                                                            
 1258 ANATOMY - HAIR - FACIAL        Cap'n Bean          P0103



At the top of the legs, the place where                     
There's a triangle tangle of hair.                          
Though in public convention                                 
It seldom get's mention,                                    
We all of us know that it's there.                          
                                                            
 1259 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Lance Payne         P8601



A triangular hairy excrescence                              
Appears on the young in pubescence.                         
It's the ultimate hair-do                                   
That all flesh is heir to;                                  
Efflorescence atop the essence.                             
                                                            
 1260 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Lance Payne         P8601



With no whisker of fuzz anywhere,                           
His body was totally bare,                                  
So that under his jerkin                                    
He sported a merkin,                                        
That is to say false pubic hair.                            
                                                            
 1261 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         A. N. Wilkins       P8801



There once was a hairless man, Halls,                       
Who had a strange problem that galls.                       
Girls scream and laugh                                      
When he unfurls his staff;                                  
A toupee is covering his balls.                             
(word should be merkin - McW)                               
 1262 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Tom Patton          P9709



There was a young maid from Nepal                           
Who had practically no bush at all.                         
The reason, she said,                                       
Was on top of her bed,                                      
Perched a thatch-eating yellow macaw.                       
                                                            
 1263 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Anon                     



'hough some fellows claim they don't care,"                 
He said, "If she has pubic hair,                            
I think that a lay                                          
Is more sexy that way                                       
Than if her pudenda is bare."                               
                                                            
 1264 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         A. N. Wilkins       P8602



A girl with a twat like a firkin                            
Said, "I can't keep myself from smirkin'.                   
I finally found a way                                       
To keep the boys at bay.                                    
Barb wire makes a wonderful mcrkin."                        
                                                            
 1265 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Tom Patton          P0110



There once was a client who said,                           
"The hair on my head is quite red!"                         
"I wanted my snatch                                         
Exactly to match,                                           
Whenever I get into bed."                                   
                                                            
 1266 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Tiddy Ogg                



He promised to give it his all.                             
He made an unusual house call.                              
He brought her his dye;                                     
And gave a good try,                                        
But it all came off when they balled.                       
                                                            
 1267 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



His wife was astonished and said,                           
"And why is your pubic hair red?"                           
"Well, I lost my grip                                       
When I went to zip,                                         
And I think that it may well have bled!"                    
                                                            
 1268 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



She's blonde and I've long since gone gray,                 
So guess what I spotted today?                              
A glossy black hair                                         
In her used underwear.                                      
Some thoughts, please, how it got that way?                 
                                                            
 1269 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



If her panties were slimy and moist...                      
Please forget all those doubts you have voiced.             
It's a cinch to explain,                                    
And will not the truth strain,                              
And I won't a big lie on you foist.                         
                                                            
 1270 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



How this hair in her pants came about,                      
I'll prove "innocent" well beyond doubt:                    
After sipping some scotch,                                  
She just sneezed in the crotch,                             
And some snot and a nose hair came out.                     
                                                            
 1271 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Your flowing brown hair, soft and sweet;                    
Your clitty I'd just love to eat.                           
So what are you doing?                                      
Want to get down to screwing?                               
Phone me back and we'll arrange to meet.                    
                                                            
 1272 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



I'll lose it upstairs if I must,                            
But other place would be unjust.                            
I need it to grow                                           
To cushion the blow,                                        
And parry when I make my thrust.                            
                                                            
 1273 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



The lady was rather hirsute;                                
I told her the beaver was cute.                             
Then she said: "Why, you Ram!"                              
"You're just after my dam!"                                 
T'was a statement I couldn't refute.                        
                                                            
 1274 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



One day by a tree at Tabarka,                               
Her husband was heard to remark, "A                         
Fine head of hair!                                          
But I much prefer                                           
The curls that are denser and darker."                      
                                                            
 1275 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Harold C Bibby      P9708



The black pubic hair of young Dan                           
Is the longest that's known on a man.                       
It makes a dense tangle                                     
Restraining the angle                                       
That Dan's erect pecker can stand.                          
                                                            
 1276 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In a cat house in downtown Vienna                           
A blonde Scottish whore named McKenna                       
Gives her clients a scare                                   
When they see her sex hair,                                 
Which she dyes on her day off...magenta!                    
                                                            
 1277 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Grand Prix Lim  689      



I knew a gal, (and this is no lie!)                         
Her pubic hair she tried to dye --                          
An allergic reaction                                        
Almost put her in traction --                               
This is something you don't want to try!                    
                                                            
 1278 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



This isn't some story I'm telling --                        
The gal couldn't walk, from the swelling!                   
And, when she tried to pee,                                 
I'm telling you, we                                         
Couldn't hear anything, but her yelling!                    
                                                            
 1279 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



It was a Valentine for her sweetheart,                      
She shaved it, in the shape of a heart --                   
Then dyed it hot pink;                                      
But quick as a wink,                                        
The allergic reaction did start.                            
                                                            
 1280 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



So his "present" he never did get,                          
(She's not tried again, I would bet!)                       
But in the nurse lounge,                                    
When there's no one around,                                 
We giggle about this one still yet!                         
                                                            
 1281 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



A trapper of cold Fort McMurray                             
Must always make love in a hurry;                           
"Well, I has to," he said,                                  
"They near shoots through the bed,                          
'Cause the end of me dingle is furry."                      
                                                            
 1282 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Keith MacMillan       95b



There's a fashion designer from Turbeloe                    
Whose creations incite him to stir below;                   
He is likely to thrill                                      
To a flounce or a frill,                                    
But what really excites is the fur below.                   
                                                            
 1283 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Thomas A. Quinine   P8601



A freshly shaven mug                                        
Is certainly worth a hug.                                   
But you need something more                                 
To get into my drawers,                                     
And lick at my little rug.                                  
                                                            
 1284 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Anna Gates               



A lady from old Camarillo,                                  
Had tresses all frizzy like Brillo.                         
But to my surprise                                          
The down 'tween her thighs,                                 
Was just right for stuffing my pillow.                      
                                                            
 1285 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Big Stanley was heard to declare                            
THIS LADY HAS FALSE PUBIC HAIR!                             
But she said with a shrug                                   
"Yes, I'm wearing a rug...                                  
'Cause my shag-pile was shagged-out last year!"             
                                                            
 1286 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



There once was a woman named Mary,                          
Who wasn't so very contrary.                                
Her legs she would spread                                   
When prone on the bed.                                      
Good heavens!  That woman was hairy!                        
                                                            
 1287 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Squat                    



How fast does it take one to grow                           
A new bush of sweet curls down below?                       
Does it need to be tended                                   
With care or upended                                        
And given a jolly good hoe?                                 
                                                            
 1288 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



With a frequency quite diabolical,                          
There is always that single hair follicle                   
That gets lodged in her teeth,                              
Coming up from beneath...                                   
Left'll have more heft than your right ballock'll.          
                                                            
 1289 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



There was a young gal from The Fraser,                      
Who shaved her legs well with a razor.                      
One day she went high,                                      
Right up past her thigh,                                    
And the gash she left sure did amaze her.                   
                                                            
 1290 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Peter Aussie             



Should you pluck each hair out by its follicle,             
You will find ('cause the pain's diabolical)                
When you're done with one side,                             
No more can you abide,                                      
And the left'll have more than right ballock'll.            
                                                            
 1291 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Some day I am hoping to catch                               
The gal with the hairiest thatch.                           
I'm lying in wait                                           
With plenty of bait,                                        
And dreaming of making the snatch.                          
                                                            
 1292 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Frank                    



While you lie in wait there Ol' Chap,                       
You're bound to do well with your trap;                     
That hairiest thatch                                        
Has bonus to match:                                         
You'll catch snatch...and free dose of clap.                
                                                            
 1293 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Every mature him and her                                    
Is decked out in genital fur,                               
Which serves both as a cloak                                
And a method for loc-                                       
ating what makes its opposite stir.                         
                                                            
 1294 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Robin K. Willoughby P8601



A merkin is what?  Oh no way.                               
Whoever would want one, I pray?                             
Bikini-wax excess                                           
Might leave a gal tress-less,                               
And then she would need one?  Okay.                         
                                                            
 1295 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Elois                    



So, you see that your insult is workin'                     
Like a Briton that's driving his dirk in                    
a wench and gets careless,                                  
And dirks her 'til hairless                                 
And then needs to be helped by a merkin!                    
                                                            
 1296 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



I know what you mean by a 'merkin'                          
But my etymological ear is a-jerkin'                        
A merkin, it's said,                                        
(In days long since dead)                                   
Was a wig by the pubis a-lurkin'!                           
                                                            
 1297 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



A father and son name of Perkins,                           
Trichologists, coifed all the merkins                       
Of the ladies in waiting.                                   
Then, extrapolating,                                        
They pickled them all with their gherkins.                  
                                                            
 1298 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



An abundance of bodily hair                                 
Was something that filled him with fear.                    
That having been said,                                      
There was less on his head,                                 
Than what she was packing down there.                       
                                                            
 1299 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Dear girl, have you never tried Nair?                       
I've a girlfriend who tried it down there,                  
Which resulted in scabbing,                                 
And bitching and crabbing;                                  
And the end of a torrid affair.                             
                                                            
 1300 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         John Miller              



There once was a man from Bel Aire,                         
Who never clipped his pubic hair.                           
He was heard to say,                                        
I hope she's okay,                                          
And doesn't get too lost in there.                          
                                                            
 1301 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Phil T                   



A hairy broad, Carrie McGlore,                              
Trimmed her fur at times, there below her.                  
For she arose late                                          
And it was so straight,                                     
And keeping it curled was a chore.                          
                                                            
 1302 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Grand Prix Lim  595      



Those roses you wear in your hair,                          
They cause me to act with great care,                       
The thorns, they just prick,                                
My poor tender dick;                                        
Put them on your head, dear; not there.                     
                                                            
 1303 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



There was a young woman from Wales                          
Who took the wind out of my sails;                          
Went into her harbour,                                      
But she'd seen the Barber,                                  
And now has a short bed of nails!                           
                                                            
 1304 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



They asked a Viet Nam vet named Bray,                       
"Did things change much while you were away?"               
He said, "Maybe a few,                                      
And there's one thing that's new:                           
Pubic hair on the centerfold lay."                          
                                                            
 1305 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         A. N. Wilkins       P8602



In the mountains of eastern Albania,                        
The warlords developed a mania                              
For padding their lairs                                     
With the curly cunt hairs                                   
Of raped virgins from western Rumania.                      
                                                            
 1306 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Grand Prix Lim  778 G2238



At the Cafe, while sipping Pernods                          
She asked rock 'n' roll star Blaire Rose,                   
"Now how about, Blaire,                                     
A lock of your hair?"                                       
Rose said, "Pubic? or those in my nose?"                    
                                                            
 1307 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Michael Weinstein   P8609



The girls all stand and they stare,                         
At my wondrous bush of pubic hair.                          
It's not trimmed for years,                                 
And my nob disappears,                                      
But at least I know it's down there.                        
                                                            
 1308 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Funny Bone               



A trapper whose name is Pierre,                             
Forswore fox, wolf, ermine and bear.                        
He only chased beaver                                       
And when he did cleave her,                                 
He cut off a tuft of muff hair.                             
                                                            
 1309 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



He carefully saved all these locks                          
And used them to darn his wool socks.                       
This warm wear apparel                                      
When maintained with care'll                                
Serve also to sheathe trappers' cocks.                      
                                                            
 1310 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Pierre one day caught a redhead                             
And trundled her off to his bed.                            
He opened her thighs                                        
And to his surprise,                                        
No fur but shaved pussy instead.                            
                                                            
 1311 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



"Oh dear. Please get out of the sack.                       
A beaver of auburn you lack.                                
Because it is bare                                          
My cock won't go there.                                     
My sock will do 'til yours grows back!"                     
                                                            
 1312 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Is anyone still keeping track?                              
I gave it up quite a while back,                            
Having run out of toes                                      
And the hairs in my nose,                                   
Then the hairs on my Millicent's crack.                     
                                                            
 1313 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Cascading, the bright spotlight was                         
Upon Mrs. Shumph's pussy fuzz,                              
When Vido, her stylist,                                     
Had thoughts that were vilest                               
And buzzed her fuzz into a puzz.                            
                                                            
 1314 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC                                  



Whenever I drink lots of booze,                             
I soon end up taking a snooze.                              
But friends play a trick,                                   
And shave hair off my dick,                                 
But rarely they leave any clues.                            
                                                            
 1315 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Funny Bone               



A bald-headed fellow from Ware,                             
Transplanted to pate, pubic hair.                           
Okay, but his nose,                                         
When tickled, now grows.                                    
'Snot nice girls, you'd better take care.                   
                                                            
 1316 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Tiddy Ogg                



I got some pubes from old Fred,                             
One day while giving him head.                              
Once sporting fine skin                                     
'Round my nose and my chin,                                 
I now have a moustache instead!                             
                                                            
 1317 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Michelle                 



Michelle, since your moustache appeared,                    
I've noticed new growth, as I feared;                       
And now, when you grin,                                     
Fred's jizz on your chin                                    
Is hidden quite well by your beard.                         
                                                            
 1318 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Travis Brasell           



That fellow from Ware must be Keith                         
Whose pubic hair sits like a wreath                         
Atop of his pate;                                           
He wears for his date                                       
A hat that's a thin latex sheath.                           
                                                            
 1319 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Travis Brasell           



Ahh dear, you look so good in the buff;                     
Here's the scissors, trim some off your muff,               
Because the hair on your crack,                             
Gets my throat and I hack.                                  
Here's conditioner, it's getting too rough.                 
                                                            
 1320 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         M Foster                 



Well-groomed Wanda betook her the trouble                   
Of mantaining hairstyles double.                            
Above, she'd insist                                         
On a stylish French Twist,                                  
But she coiffed up her snatch with a bubble.                
                                                            
 1321 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a woman named Bright,                        
With pubic hair perfectly white.                            
She said, "There's some glare,                              
But the fellows don't care,                                 
And they find it more quickly at night."                    
                                                            
 1322 ANATOMY - HAIR - PUBIC         Isaac Asimov             



My uncle was balding I fear.                                
He needed a wig -- that was clear.                          
As he looked while we shopped,                              
He saw small ones and stopped,                              
And asked "Well now, what have we here?"                    
                                                            
 1323 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          John Dohner         P8806



The salesman said, "Don't be a dunce!                       
Most strippers will cover their cunts                       
With these patches of fur.                                  
Shall I wrap them up, Sir?"                                 
"Oh No! I will eat them at once!"                           
                                                            
 1324 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          John Dohner         P8806



At bedtime a fellow named Dwight                            
Put his wig in a box out of sight.                          
He never had lovers                                         
Beneath the covers,                                         
Yet he bragged he was balled every night.                   
                                                            
 1325 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Tom Patton          P9709



One spring in old London Town,                              
Stood a man with nice hair of brown.                        
He found his head bare --                                   
On the ground was his hair --                               
And now he's the talk of the town.                          
                                                            
 1326 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Megan Polach             



I had thirty-six inches of hair;                            
I knew I had some I could spare.                            
A plea I did answer                                         
For kids who had cancer.                                    
Do you have some that you could share?                      
                                                            
 1327 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Bridget                  



The captain of a cruise liner,                              
Said that nothing was finer                                 
Than "the cool sea air                                      
Blowing through your hair."                                 
They found his wig way south of China.                      
                                                            
 1328 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Anon                     



A cute checker, whose nickname is "Red,"                    
Came to work with a bag on her head.                        
"My hairdresser, Petrillo,                                  
Turned my hair into brillo,                                 
And a law suite is pending" she said.                       
                                                            
 1329 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          William N Nesbit    P0104



There once was a sailor named Ray                           
Who wore an atrocious toupee.                               
He gave a big shrug                                         
And then off flew his rug;                                  
It sailed into Chesapeake Bay.                              
                                                            
 1330 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Richard Long             



Marv Albert! What is on your head?                          
I certainly hope it is dead...                              
It seems to be molting,                                     
My God! It's revolting!                                     
Do you think, if diseased, it might spread?                 
                                                            
 1331 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Ogni                     



After a fine meal of pussy flambe',                         
Old John tried to clear his airway.                         
But he had a furball,                                       
Coughing, ran down the hall,                                
And showed us his new merkin toupe'.                        
                                                            
 1332 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Cheryl                   



The "Merkin" I see mostly perkin',                          
So rarely he uses his gherkin.                              
From what John has said,                                    
The hair on his head                                        
Is often his sweet Carol's merkin.                          
                                                            
 1333 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Archie                   



There once was a man from Bombay                            
Who wore on his head a toupee.                              
He thought that he might                                    
Give friends a delight                                      
And remove his toupee for a day.                            
                                                            
 1334 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS                                   



It's raining here too, all the day                          
And stormy as well, by the way.                             
It blew off my hair;                                        
I cry out in despair:                                       
How naked I am sans toupee.                                 
                                                            
 1335 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Dirruk                   



My goodness!  He's bald sans toupee                         
And the damn thing, it blew down this way.                  
Hit me smack in the face                                    
And with no lack of grace,                                  
I've been choking on loose hair all day!                    
                                                            
 1336 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Michelle                 



There was an old man from Kildare,                          
Whose scalp had nary a hair.                                
So he bought a toupee                                       
Streaked with silver and grey,                              
Which he wore with an insouciant air.                       
                                                            
 1337 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



A chorus from down East somewhere,                          
Had only one guy who had hair.                              
All the rest, they wore wigs,                               
When they went out on gigs,                                 
Just to tone down the terrible glare.                       
                                                            
 1338 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Jim Weaver Collection    



I don't know if it is live or dead;                         
Perhaps it is something he's bred;                          
Quite large and furred;                                     
Dead dog?  Extinct bird?                                    
What is it that on Trent Lott's head.                       
                                                            
 1339 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS                                   



Old Jethro E. Deathrow the judge                            
Wears a pig of a wig; it won't budge.                       
Though he tugs at that rug,                                 
It fits snug as a bug,                                      
For he's stuck it with "Duck Tape" and fudge.               
                                                            
 1340 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS                                   



'Tis rumored that chic Bonnie Hampton                       
Wears a wig which she keeps tightly clamped on,             
For after Rameau                                            
She was bowing to low                                       
And it fell to the floor and was tramped on.                
(what is Rameau? - McW)                                     
 1341 ANATOMY - HAIR - WIGS          Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



They say that my armpits do stink.                          
And it's due to no bathing, I think.                        
My wife has said "Why's it                                  
You try to disguise it?"                                    
My armour does have small chink.                            
                                                            
 1342 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Al Willis                



The hands, they were made to assist                         
In supplying the features with grist.                       
There are only a few--                                      
As a rule about two--                                       
And are hitched to the end of the wrist.                    
                                                            
 1343 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Anthony Euwer            



There was once a fellow from Kent                           
Whose finger was awkwardly bent.                            
His disfigured joint                                        
Would alter his point                                       
And not in the direction he meant.                          
                                                            
 1344 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Edwin J Weinstein        



Clem's fingers got ate by his pup;                          
With two thumbs left, he'd hold his cup;                    
With foreplay unruly,                                       
He'd turn on wife Looley,                                   
By givin' that girl two thumbs up!                          
                                                            
 1345 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS                                    



The elbow's that bend in the arm                            
Which lacks anatomical charm;                               
With jabs from this bony                                    
Protuberance, Joanie                                        
Once caused me considerable harm.                           
                                                            
 1346 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a man with six toes,                         
Who lost a thumb when he froze.                             
Said he to himself,                                         
"With this God-given wealth,                                
From my foot to my hand, I'll transpose."                   
                                                            
 1347 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Edwin J Weinstein        



A silly young man from Hong Kong,                           
Had hands that were skinny and long.                        
He ate rice with his fingers,                               
The taste of it lingers,                                    
But now all his fingers are gone.                           
                                                            
 1348 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS                                    



My hands go to sleep in the night;                          
I can't make a fist or hold tight.                          
I wake and I fear                                           
There's someone else near!                                  
That feeling gives me such a fright.                        
                                                            
 1349 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Marty                    



My hands go to sleep in the night;                          
I worry that sometime they might                            
Just simply fall off,                                       
If I chance to cough.                                       
Please pity me because of this plight.                      
                                                            
 1350 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Marty                    



I'll hold your hands while you sleep;                       
Give them something to play with and keep                   
Them awake in the night;                                    
If would give me delight.                                   
Shut your eyes now and promise, don't peep.                 
                                                            
 1351 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Peter Wilkins            



My hands have been busy all night,                          
Just cuddling with all of my might.                         
The thing that he gave                                      
Me that was to save                                         
My hands from their miserable plight.                       
                                                            
 1352 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Marty                    



The best part was all that warm lotion!                     
It must be a magical potion.                                
My hands are awake!                                         
But for Peter's sake,                                       
What was all that noisy commotion?                          
                                                            
 1353 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Marty                    



One of my factual loves,                                    
Is the fact that the fingers on gloves,                     
When counted yield ten,                                     
So that fingers fit in                                      
Without amputations -- just shoves.                         
                                                            
 1354 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Jim Weaver Collection    



Babs told how her boyfriend, Bob Pruitt,                    
Lost part of his finger; lived through it.                  
Her girlfriend, Sue Singer,                                 
Asked "you mean his whole finger?"                          
"No," Babs answered "the one next to it."                   
                                                            
 1355 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Res Ipsa                 



For thoss who don't think this verse "cricket",             
I've conceived a thought very wicked.                       
They've no need to linger                                   
On raised middle finger,                                    
Which signifies that they should "stick it!"                
                                                            
 1356 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Chris Papa               



The girl that I find the best lay                           
Is the one without arms name of Fay.                        
It is true she can't hug me,                                
But I find they don't bug me,                               
For she never has pushed me away.                           
                                                            
 1357 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2894



A thalidomide baby was Pete;                                
He was born with no hands, lots of meat.                    
He cried with dispair                                       
That no one seemed to care.                                 
(Though the village cows found him a treat.)                
                                                            
 1358 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Al Chaplin          P8604



Her smashed thumb spoke to Mrs McGee,                       
"Since you've bruised me severely, you see,                 
With that hard hammer blow,                                 
I just want you to know                                     
You'll get no opposition from me."                          
(thumb is normally opposed - McW)                           
 1359 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Loren C Fitzhugh         



A lover of old in fair Gort,                                
Had two arms that were powerful but short.                  
When for girls he would reach,                              
He was forced to choose each,                               
From the narrow and spanable sort.                          
                                                            
 1360 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS                                    



Joe's lovefinger, agile and nimble                          
Excited the naive Miss Kimble.                              
He purred, "Suzie my dear,                                  
You have nothing to fear...                                 
For you well know I'm wearing a thimble!"                   
                                                            
 1361 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Grand Prix Lim  432      



A handicapped girl named Denices,                           
Left arm came apart in two pieces.                          
To give sex a twist,                                        
She'd snap at the wrist,                                    
And masturbate with her prosthesis.                         
                                                            
 1362 ANATOMY - HANDS/ARMS           Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a hermaphrodite,                             
Who said, "Please don't pity my plight.                     
For when I'm told to do                                     
What's not easy for you,                                    
I can do it!  And do it all night!"                         
                                                            
 1363 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Barrie Collins           



A hermaphrodite once, in a fever,                           
Amputated his cock with a cleaver.                          
Now all she has left                                        
Is a hot humid cleft,                                       
Concealed in the bush of his beaver.                        
                                                            
 1364 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                           G2010



Once lived the young Aphrodite,                             
Who ran around in a nighty.                                 
She had all the specs                                       
For both ends of sex.                                       
She was both a man and a tighty!                            
                                                            
 1365 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



There was a hermaphrodite kid,                              
Made a pass at a man from Madrid.                           
"Why, you son of a maggot,                                  
Do you think I'm a faggot?                                  
Just go fuck yourself!"--So he did.                         
                                                            
 1366 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                           L0490



A hermaphrodite fairy of Kew,                               
Offered boys something new in a screw.                      
They both looked so sweet,                                  
In the front and back seat,                                 
Of a bisexual built just for two.                           
                                                            
 1367 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                           G0991



A hermaphrodite named Ben-Jill                              
Had an envy-worth odd-even skill.                           
And this talent of his                                      
He described it like this:                                  
I can fuck myself, always, at will.                         
                                                            
 1368 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



A hermaphrodite named Joe-Sue                               
Could confirm what Ben-Jill said was true;                  
Life is good to us hermies                                  
We don't waste our spermies                                 
And at times we have comings for two.                       
                                                            
 1369 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



According to experts, the oyster                            
In its shell (or crustacean cloister)                       
May at anytime be                                           
Either he or a she,                                         
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.                    
                                                            
 1370 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Berton Brayley           



A lady they called her in Trim,                             
Though her right to the title was slim.                     
And doubts started to mount                                 
With her chromosome count,                                  
Was she 'it' or a 'her' or a 'him'?                         
                                                            
 1371 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Anon                     



There once was this girl from Venus,                        
With a body shaped like a genius                            
Had sculpted it                                             
With all of his wit,                                        
'Cause she had both a clit and a penis.                     
                                                            
 1372 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



A mixed up young fellow named Genghis,                      
Was born with vagina and dingus.                            
Although he's a boy,                                        
He gets to enjoy                                            
Both fellatio and cunnilingus!                              
                                                            
 1373 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Tim Thompson             



Hermaphrodite Billy cavorted                                
Around by himself and contorted                             
His masculine bit,                                          
To achieve a good fit,                                      
But it ended up bent and distorted.                         
                                                            
 1374 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Peter Wilkins            



This creature I think came from Delft,                      
And someone said "Go fuck yourself!"                        
So that's what he tried,                                    
Couldn't quite get inside,                                  
And found it injurious to health.                           
                                                            
 1375 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Tiddy Ogg                



He was the biggest dope ever born;                          
His end was so sad and forlorn --                           
Somehow, by heck,                                           
He broke his dumb neck,                                     
While trying to blow his own horn!                          
                                                            
 1376 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Kaylin                   



Hermaphrodite's his name;                                   
Having both is its claim to fame.                           
It mates whoever;                                           
Takes on the endeavor;                                      
Itself or yourself, the same.                               
                                                            
 1377 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young person of Leigh,                          
Who was either a he or a she.                               
I think it's terrific                                       
To be non-specific                                          
Gender-wise, don't you agree?                               
                                                            
 1378 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Basil Ransome-Davies     



There was a young woman named Lily,                         
Who chanced to be born with a willy.                        
Since she had a cunt too,                                   
When she felt like a screw,                                 
She could lie back and fuck herself silly!                  
                                                            
 1379 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Lims For Year - 01       



For admittance to Harvard just cite                         
Ethnic background they hold to be right.                    
And it sure wouldn't hurt                                   
If you were to assert                                       
That you're also an hermaphrodite.                          
                                                            
 1380 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       John Sandler        P9110



Hermaphrodite Johnathan-Sue                                 
Kept real cool through the worst you could do.              
When told, "Go fuck yourself!"                              
He/She'd grin like an elf,                                  
And say "Thanks, I don't mind if I do!"                     
                                                            
 1381 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       John Miller              



I once knew a person named Burl                             
Whose looks would make you hurl                             
Why do I say it?                                            
I'm not full of shit                                        
This thing was half boy and half girl                       
                                                            
 1382 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



A half/man half/woman admitted                              
That incest he/she had committed.                           
When he/she undressed,                                      
She/he got obsessed                                         
With his/hers and that's when they did it.                  
                                                            
 1383 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Irving Superior     P8711



I am sure that you will decree,                             
This lass was not a "HE" or a "SHE"                         
"IT" was in fact 'Dual'                                     
With a hole and a tool                                      
To fuck itself, it did with glee!                           
                                                            
 1384 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



There was a young person named Herman,                      
Who spoke both falsetto and German.                         
Behind the blond hair,                                      
There was somebody there,                                   
But its sex one could never determine.                      
                                                            
 1385 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Anon                     



A prominent person in X,                                    
Was of quite indeterminate sex.                             
And had great renown                                        
As queen of that town:                                      
But was it regina or rex?                                   
                                                            
 1386 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Harold C. Bibby          



A fellow whose surname was Hunt,                            
Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt.                 
This versatile spout                                        
Could be turned inside out,                                 
Like a glove and be used as a cunt.                         
                                                            
 1387 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                           L0175



So what's wrong with hermaphroditism?                       
It beats a one-celled organism,                             
Or a dog or a horse                                         
And the best thing of course,                               
You can squirt your own tits with your jizm.                
                                                            
 1388 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



Then Ben-Jill met gorgeous Jill-Ben,                        
They knew they would mate there and then.                   
Since they were both "Its",                                 
Their parts perfectly fits,                                 
Like an orgy with two girls and two men!                    
                                                            
 1389 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



Though you may not particularly care,                       
Androgynous people are rare...                              
Concave or convex,                                          
They are partly each sex,                                   
And must look rather odd when they're bare.                 
                                                            
 1390 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Grand Prix Lim  808      



There once was a girl from Wake Forest,                     
Who had a gigantic clitoris.                                
Most people, you see,                                       
Thought her name was Marie,                                 
But her intimates knew her as Horace.                       
                                                            
 1391 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



There's a rather odd couple in Herts                        
Who are cousins (or so each asserts).                       
Their sex is in doubt                                       
For they're never without                                   
Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.                 
                                                            
 1392 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Edward Gorey             



A certain young person of Ghent,                            
Uncertain if lady or gent,                                  
Shows it's organs at large,                                 
For a small handling charge                                 
To assist it in paying the rent.                            
                                                            
 1393 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                           L0164



Next door lives hermaphrodite Fritz,                        
And he's thrilled with his genital bits;                    
Tucks his pecker away                                       
In his pussy all day,                                       
And orgasms whenever he sits.                               
                                                            
 1394 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



There once was a girl from Venus                            
Who had both a clit and a penis.                            
We tried to have sex                                        
But I'm sure you have guessed                               
That her penis kept coming between us.                      
                                                            
 1395 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Gearhart                 



A young thing with habits ambivalent,                       
Who treated the sexes equivalent,                           
Said, "It's not that I mix                                  
Cunts up with pricks,                                       
It's just that my psyche's resilient.                       
                                                            
 1396 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Glen F. Baker            



There once was a newspaper vendor,                          
A person of dubious gender.                                 
He would charge one-and-two                                 
For permission to view                                      
His remarkable double pudenda.                              
                                                            
 1397 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                           L0256



There was a Greek sailor from Thalia,                       
Who had several ways to regale ya.                          
The best thing about him,                                   
Was a dainty small quim,                                    
Just above his huge male genitalia.                         
                                                            
 1398 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



A prominent person in X,                                    
Was of quite indeterminate sex.                             
It had great renown                                         
As Queen of the Town:                                       
But was it regina or rex?                                   
                                                            
 1399 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Cerebus                  



An hermaphrodite hooker from Tx.                            
Born with parts that could service both sx,                 
Having made piles of money                                  
With pecker and cunny,                                      
Paid cash for a shiny new Lx.                               
                                                            
 1400 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Scott                    



Every year in the month of Sept.,                           
For as far back as she could rem.,                          
She would take two weeks off                                
When she wanted a boff,                                     
She would screw herself with her own m.                     
                                                            
 1401 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Hugh Clary               



A hermaphrodite has all the fun!                            
He really is two -- though she's one!                       
Discontent on the shelf,                                    
He need just fuck himself,                                  
And, if pregnant, she knows who's the one!                  
                                                            
 1402 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Anon                     



There once was a man from Texas                             
Who had organs of both sexes.                               
No need for a mate;                                         
He never did date.                                          
Each night he'd just self inject his.                       
                                                            
 1403 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



A counterfeit man from Belgrade                             
Had parts of both sexes displayed.                          
This abnormal duality                                       
He crushed with finality,                                   
When he showed that he could be self-made.                  
                                                            
 1404 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Albin Chaplin            



A fancy young man of Belgrade                               
Sex parts of both sexes displayed.                          
He made short disposition                                   
Of this deviant condition,                                  
When he showed that he could be self-made.                  
                                                            
 1405 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Albin Chaplin   3024-1835



A very strange person from Texas,                           
Has the sexual parts of both sexes.                         
When he tries self-abuse,                                   
Think what he can use,                                      
And think of her Freudian complexes.                        
                                                            
 1406 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Grand Prix Lim   21      



Hermaphrodites cause a sensation                            
By their odd, two-in-one combination.                       
Concave or convex                                           
They are partly each sex,                                   
And a dilly at self-fornication.                            
                                                            
 1407 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Grand Prix Lim  752 G0448



Hermaphrodites are quite all right,                         
When they claim to be fag and a dyke.                       
No one could be wiser                                       
When they open a Budwiser,                                  
And they're not lonely on a Saturday night.                 
                                                            
 1408 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Bonk                     



A hermaphrodite is a sex oddity,                            
With both male and female commodities.                      
It can get itself preggers                                  
But those IRS beggars                                       
Ensure single parents get audities.                         
                                                            
 1409 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Actaeon                  



There were two ladies from Natchez,                         
Who both had convertible snatches.                          
One shaped as Venus,                                        
The other a penis,                                          
And they played back and forth games of catches.            
                                                            
 1410 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Chairman Steve           



Hermaphrodite Billy Malone                                  
Reproduced himself all on his own.                          
Theoretically though                                        
Was it incest? Dunno...                                     
But I say: what a great way to clone.                       
                                                            
 1411 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES                                



A devious lad from La Junta                                 
Decided it might be quite funta                             
Be hermaphrodite.                                           
As he said with delight,                                    
"I can screw me whenever I wunta!"                          
                                                            
 1412 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Hugh Oliver         A026B



There was an old person of Troy,                            
Who, when in the bath, is so coy,                           
That it's a sure bet                                        
That it doesn't know yet,                                   
If it's a girl or a boy.                                    
                                                            
 1413 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Ogden Nash               



There was a young girl, Arabella,                           
Who when she was bored, was a fella.                        
She played just with girls;                                 
Had bulges and curls.                                       
What he/she went through is now a best-seller!              
                                                            
 1414 ANATOMY - HERMAPHRODITES       Arthur Pattaffy          



Now just this once I will try                               
To compose a tale that might fly;                           
About a man, Greg,                                          
Who was lacking a leg,                                      
But what he had, made the girls cry.                        
                                                            
 1415 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Sophy                    



One day, when Greg went to town,                            
He fancied a girl with no gown.                             
She walked nude as birth,                                   
Despite all her girth,                                      
And Greg, he just called her down.                          
                                                            
 1416 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Sophy                    



The nude girl she came with a smile                         
And reached out and said, "That's a mile!                   
Boy is that long,                                           
That beautiful schlong!"                                    
She is said to have grinned all the while.                  
                                                            
 1417 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Sophy                    



That big old hip bone made it back                          
It should have some cartilage I lack.                       
I walk for a while;                                         
Don't do it with style;                                     
My gait throws my back out of whack.                        
                                                            
 1418 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Be it one or a pair to be seen,                             
Man's interest in legs is so keen                           
That it's hard to discern                                   
From limbs by their turn,                                   
Whether anguish or joy lies between.                        
                                                            
 1419 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9102



May I ask if you'd like the next dance?                     
Said the man with the very strange stance.                  
But the girl shook her head                                 
And then quite sweetly said,                                
That with two wooden legs, he'd no chance.                  
                                                            
 1420 ANATOMY - LEGS                 David Axton              



Lady Hickory Dickory Dock                                   
Had a face that would stop any clock.                       
She was bow-legged too;                                     
Just one look and one knew                                  
She was used to hoist barrels of hock.                      
                                                            
 1421 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Warrick Elrod            



There was a young lady named Stella,                        
Fell in love with a bow-legged fella.                       
The venturesome chap,                                       
Let her sit in his lap,                                     
And she fell clean through to the cella.                    
                                                            
 1422 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Looniest Limerick   P8404



A bowlegged lady of Kent                                    
Explained what parentheses meant:                           
"Some think it's from horses                                
But the whole truth, of course is:                          
It's from pleasures in bed that I'm bent.                   
                                                            
 1423 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Albin Chaplin            



A knock-kneed young lady named Fay                          
Had a bow-legged sister named May,                          
And people opined                                           
That when seen from behind,                                 
They spelled either OX or OK.                               
                                                            
 1424 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Bob Giandomenico    P8811



Sometimes boys can be very mean,                            
And right on the edge of obscene.                           
There's a girl with one leg;                                
Her real name is Peg,                                       
But everyone calls her Ilene!                               
                                                            
 1425 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Observer                 



Now should calves be discussed in a poem                    
When it's even thought wicked to show 'em?                  
Still if they're so awful,                                  
Then why are they lawful,                                   
And why permit people to grow 'em.                          
                                                            
 1426 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



I looked up "shin" for a lark --                            
Its definition in Websters is stark.                        
Nowhere does it mention                                     
That this bony extension                                    
Can locate chairs and tables when dark.                     
                                                            
 1427 ANATOMY - LEGS                 H Myers            TP9804



A neurotic young man of Des Moines                          
Is incessantly taut in the groin,                           
'Cause the feminine limb                                    
Is a fetish with him,                                       
Especially the part where they join.                        
                                                            
 1428 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Keith MacMillan     A050A



In my life as I traveled around,                            
Inane questions I've found to abound:                       
"How long should legs be?"                                  
It's quite clear to me:                                     
"They should reach from your ass to the ground!"            
(attributed to A. Lincoln)                                  
 1429 ANATOMY - LEGS                 John Miller              



There once was a gentlmanly fella,                          
Who suffered from an aching patella.                        
Though a cortisone shot                                     
Hit his pain in the spot,                                   
An arthroscopy made it all better!                          
                                                            
 1430 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Niven Shaw               



Such odd-looking objects are knees;                         
They range from quite small ones on bees                    
To large ones like Marge's,                                 
Enormous as barges,                                         
And those which are knobby, like these.                     
                                                            
 1431 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Ticketyboo               



But knees can be useful, perhaps?                           
Turning standing young men into laps,                       
On which I could sit                                        
To recover a bit,                                           
When I have been drinking good schnapps.                    
                                                            
 1432 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Ticketyboo               



I lust for you terribly, Mandy;                             
I've never felt so horribly randy.                          
But I can't proceed,                                        
For you're so knock-kneed,                                  
And I am so frightfully bandy.                              
                                                            
 1433 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Tiddy Ogg                



The doctor explained to old Dwight                          
That the pain in his right leg at night                     
Was caused by old age.                                      
"But, Doc," said the sage,                                  
"My left leg's as old as my right!"                         
                                                            
 1434 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Leonore             P8305



There was a young man from Vermont                          
Who had all that a young man could want.                    
Nice clothes, lots of cash,                                 
A non-serious rash,                                         
Except both legs were on back to front.                     
                                                            
 1435 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Michael Palin       P8603



Neodarwinist theory is said                                 
To explain shapely legs on coeds.                           
Over many a year,                                           
Nicer legs bring more cheer,                                
And so they become more widespread.                         
                                                            
 1436 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Jill                     



The shape of a floozie named Kent                           
Reflected the life she had spent.                           
Her silhouette showed                                       
Both legs badly bowed;                                      
Her johns all agreed: pleasure bent!                        
                                                            
 1437 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Armand E Singer       787



The truth I am sure will astound:                           
My penis hangs down to the ground!                          
(The question this begs:                                    
"With such tiny legs                                        
Is it really tough getting around?")                        
                                                            
 1438 ANATOMY - LEGS                                          



My boyfriend makes fun of my legs.                          
Says it looks like I'm held up by pegs.                     
My feelings I hide                                          
And I take it in stride,                                    
But I feel like I'm walking on eggs.                        
                                                            
 1439 ANATOMY - LEGS                                          



Those long lovely legs on Ms. Fitz,                         
I'd sure like to see where they quits.                      
I know it's somewhere                                       
In a soft patch of hair,                                    
Just north of the place where she sits.                     
                                                            
 1440 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Bob Leclerc              



A mulatto with cream-colored eyes,                          
Is of note for the shape of her thighs.                     
Ellipsoid in contour,                                       
You just can't get on to 'er;                               
Every movement occasions surprise.                          
                                                            
 1441 ANATOMY - LEGS                                     G0325



I'll start with the soles of your feet;                     
Does my licking tickle you, Pete?                           
Now I'll move up your calf                                  
And farther. Just half                                      
Of the way to where two legs do meet.                       
                                                            
 1442 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A most beautiful star called Michelle,                      
On the rack, will make People Mag sell.                     
But the rack she'd prefer                                   
Is the kind to stretch her,                                 
'Cause her leg-lengths, she says, don't excel.              
                                                            
 1443 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Prof M-G                 



A winsome young coleen named Meg                            
Was endowed with a nicely turned leg.                       
If Nature'd been fair,                                      
She would have a matched pair,                              
But the other one's shaped like a keg.                      
                                                            
 1444 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Pierce Evans             



The puritan people of Teeling,                              
Express all their horror with feeling.                      
When they see that a chair,                                 
Has all its legs bare,                                      
They look straight away to the ceiling.                     
                                                            
 1445 ANATOMY - LEGS                                          



There was an old man from Dundee                            
Who had a replacement cap in his knee.                      
He can walk once again                                      
Without feeling the pain,                                   
Which has filled the old codger with glee.                  
                                                            
 1446 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Funny Bone               



I've shaved and am ready, my dear,                          
To do as I'm told to down here.                             
But I must admit                                            
I feel like a twit --                                       
Shaved legs make me look like a queer!                      
                                                            
 1447 ANATOMY - LEGS                                          



I'm not sure just where you are peeping,                    
Or if you have dreams when you're sleeping.                 
The Marty you see                                           
Sure cannot be me --                                        
My legs with a razor I'm sweeping!                          
                                                            
 1448 ANATOMY - LEGS                                          



Darling, I've seen with my eyes                             
Your equipment's lows and its highs.                        
What I really see                                           
Isn't hung to the knee --                                   
You just have very short thighs!                            
                                                            
 1449 ANATOMY - LEGS                                          



There once was a man named Rick,                            
Whose legs were as thin as a stick.                         
He told his dog, Fletch,                                    
To go out and "Fetch!"                                      
So the dog brought Rick back quick.                         
                                                            
 1450 ANATOMY - LEGS                                          



Said a man to his girl, Miss McNerd,                        
"What's the good word today, have you heard?"               
"The good word for today                                    
Will be legs," she did say,                                 
"And it's time that you spread the good word."              
                                                            
 1451 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2178



A new baby was born in Eugene                               
Who had stumps where his feet should have been.             
He was named, of course, Niel,                              
And he turned out ideal                                     
For his one-legged sister Eileen.                           
                                                            
 1452 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Don Moore           P9206



A gal in the Dodecanese                                     
Has super-symetrical knees.                                 
But is it worth a trip                                      
On a Boeing or ship,                                        
To see installations like these?                            
                                                            
 1453 ANATOMY - LEGS                 VOL 6                    



There was a young girl from Baier,                          
Whose hemlines got higher and higher.                       
But the size of her thighs,                                 
Provoked only surprise                                      
And extinguished the flames of desire.                      
                                                            
 1454 ANATOMY - LEGS                                     G0278



A long bearded Arab from Libya,                             
Fell down and fractured his tibia.                          
He said with a grin,                                        
As they plastered his shin:                                 
"Thank Allah, it wasn't my fibia."                          
                                                            
 1455 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



There was a good student named Jones                        
Who was known for his supple young bones.                   
He could twist both his knees                               
Three sixty degrees,                                        
To untwist them, he took barbitones.                        
                                                            
 1456 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



I've been having big probs with my knee,                    
Since that lifechaanging trampoline spree.                  
I pulled the main lig                                       
In a trampoline jig;                                        
I'll be sliced up next Tuesday at tea.                      
                                                            
 1457 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Nawahl                   



If gravity you try to cheat,                                
You'll find nature cannot be beat.                          
Were you meant to bounce                                    
In monstrous amounts,                                       
You'd be born with big springs on your feet.                
                                                            
 1458 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Tiddy Ogg                



A headstrong young athlete named Gillies                    
Had ankles that gave him the willies.                       
But his elbows and wrists                                   
Were still good for some twists --                          
He trick knee was his heel of Achilles.                     
                                                            
 1459 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2590



A wrinkled old lady named Rains,                            
Body subject to stress and to strains.                      
After wearing Sup-Hose                                      
She spends time I suppose,                                  
Combing all of her varicose veins.                          
                                                            
 1460 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Tom Patton          P0007



There was a young lady named Sandy,                         
Whose legs were noticeably bandy.                           
For holding a wheel                                         
Her shape was ideal;                                        
Her legs came in terribly handy.                            
                                                            
 1461 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A princess who hails from Tahiti                            
Has legs that are wonderfully meaty.                        
But cries of surprise                                       
As the size of her thighs                                   
Are forbidden by Federal Treaty.                            
                                                            
 1462 ANATOMY - LEGS                 Norm Storer              



'Twas Jacob Bronowski began                                 
This stuff, with his "A-scent of Man",                      
And if my aroma                                             
Puts you in a coma,                                         
I'll poke you wherever I can.                               
                                                            
 1463 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



I so rarely have time for regret,                           
While I'm screwing a virgin nymphette;                      
But they always turn off                                    
And their eyes tear--they cough;                            
It's the smell I exude when I sweat!                        
                                                            
 1464 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Mark Levy           P9706



Billy Bob suffers from halitosis,                           
So his breath smells just like his toes's,                  
Crusted with day old lox,                                   
In sixth period gym socks.                                  
Asked where his dentist was, said "Who know'es?"            
                                                            
 1465 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



In adulthood I can't to this day,                           
(Ergo sports it's my choice not to play)                    
Enter a locker room                                         
From which foul odors zoom;                                 
Country Club equals Y.M.C.A                                 
                                                            
 1466 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Loren C Fitzhugh    P9706



There was a cheese-maker named Scott                        
Who found the new flavor he sought.                         
When he took his first sniff,                               
His pecker got stiff,                                       
So he labeled it Essence of Twat.                           
                                                            
 1467 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2291



I just heard your encounter with Riff                       
Had  backfired  by  scaring  you  stiff.                    
Said you scowled and you frowned                            
On the chair you were bound...                              
And then fainted when given a whiff.                        
                                                            
 1468 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



And on the next floor there is me,                          
Holding nose most delicately,                               
And I sarcastically say                                     
In my usual way,                                            
"Was THAT after shave for free?"                            
                                                            
 1469 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



*he B.O. that most people get                               
Is caused by a gland that's upset.                          
Upset that you play                                         
And work every day                                          
And simply just hate to get wet.                            
                                                            
 1470 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Irving Superior     P9706



If you want to study B.O.,                                  
A whorehouse--the right place to go.                        
Not only of body                                            
But also of bawdy,                                          
Which very few laymen would know.                           
                                                            
 1471 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Irving Superior     P9706



A soiled, odorous Dervish, a churl                          
Had among mindless "Groupies" one pearl,                    
Who'd break-dance on her head                               
Then spiral into bed                                        
With her goatskin robes all awhirl.                         
                                                            
 1472 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9706



My dear husband's feet smell of cheese.                     
I say, "Keep your socks on, if you please!"                 
Gorgonzola and brie                                         
Don't appeal much to me;                                    
They cause me to choke, retch, and wheeze.                  
                                                            
 1473 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Jayne                    



I've got a sister called Melly,                             
And obviously she's quite smelly.                           
She lives up to the rhyme                                   
And stinks all the time;                                    
We can't wait 'til she moves to New Dehli.                  
                                                            
 1474 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



If ever you visit Miss Otis--                               
The lady with underarm otus--                               
On raising her arm,                                         
A nasal alarm.                                              
You'll search her abode--where the goat is?                 
                                                            
 1475 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Irving Superior     P9706



The minute you enter her room,                              
it's as though an exotic perfume                            
That makes you recall--                                     
A few, but not all--                                        
Of many an lady friend's womb.                              
                                                            
 1476 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Irving Superior     P9706



I thought when you entered my room,                         
You were wearing some special perfume                       
Made of garlic and stuff.                                   
The odor was rough;                                         
I was lucky you left there so soon.                         
                                                            
 1477 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Bernie                   



You're gorgeous, from head down to feet;                    
Your sexual skills can't be beat.                           
But what makes me clench                                    
My teeth is the stench.                                     
You smell like a vixen in heat.                             
                                                            
 1478 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



Tried to raise you right -- you never listened!             
And now you're your Ma's little pissant.                    
There's a striking resemblance;                             
To encourage remembrance,                                   
Why even the smells reminiscent.                            
                                                            
 1479 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



There was a young beatnik named Howard                      
Whose girl for a month had not showered.                    
When there blew a slight breeze,                            
She would smell like ripe cheese.                           
He backed off and she called him a coward.                  
                                                            
 1480 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2885



An obstetrician, name of Defoe,                             
Said to interns following in tow,                           
"The strangest thing yet                                    
Is that when I sweat,                                       
They accuse me of O.B.B.O."                                 
                                                            
 1481 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Tom Patton          P9708



That part of the bod is unsung,                             
But the thought of it keeps me quite young.                 
The name I can't tell,    (It has sensitive nerves,)        
But it does have a smell,  (And it tastes like preserves.)  
And it's right on the tip of my tongue.                     
                                                            
 1482 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Al Willis           P9706



My dearest, I'm feeling content                             
As I lie on your breast, but the scent                      
Of your perfume is too                                      
Overpowering -- ACHOO!                                      
Can't you fucking well open a vent?                         
                                                            
 1483 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



Charlotte the harlot from hell,                             
Said, "I wish that my body would sell.                      
But it seems that no buyer                                  
Is filled with desire,                                      
'Cause the peculiar way that I smell."                      
                                                            
 1484 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Richard Plaistowe        



He's as cool and as baked as Alaska                         
(And he brings his own bowl for his hashka.)                
But a whiff of that spice                                   
that makes dirty girls nice --                              
And damn! He's as hot as tabaska!                           
                                                            
 1485 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



You say that all perfume is bosh,                           
And with natural scent you're awash.                        
Though sometimes the pong                                   
Is a little bit strong,                                     
Those pheremones get me, by gosh.                           
                                                            
 1486 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



Maggie's the one makes me wet;                              
The sexiest girl I have met.                                
We're very good friends,                                    
Or lovers, depends                                          
On whether she's quenching my jet.                          
                                                            
 1487 ANATOMY - ODOR                 H Whelchel               



A comic book called HBS  (Horny Biker Sluts by John Howard) 
Depicts what she looks like undressed.                      
She's quite like the chick                                  
With mouth full of dick,                                    
And little skull ring in her breast.                        
                                                            
 1488 ANATOMY - ODOR                 H Whelchel               



She likes when I rhyme of her skill,                        
Or how she last gave me a thrill.                           
Now if you'll excuse,                                       
The thought of her cooze                                    
Requires me to pickle my dill.                              
                                                            
 1489 ANATOMY - ODOR                 H Whelchel               



Maggie smells nice when she sweats.                         
Her pheromones make me forgets                              
To think conscious thoughts.                                
My limbic cumshots                                          
Conclude when the coma onsetsszzzzz.                        
                                                            
 1490 ANATOMY - ODOR                 H Whelchel               



Comic strips really imitate life                            
And a couple with stinkers were rife.                       
Pig Pen, B.O. Plenty,                                       
Transcended mere "scenty".                                  
They'd a smell you could cut with a knife.                  
                                                            
 1491 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9706



Fernando, the seller of cheese,                             
Was at best a purveyor of sleaze.                           
It came from his toes,                                      
So offending the nose,                                      
That it brought a grown man to his knees.                   
                                                            
 1492 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Jim Weaver Collection    



My uncle smells funny, no doubt;                            
I'm trying to figure it out.                                
The aroma's not sweet;                                      
Could it be from his feet?                                  
It reminds me of old sauerkraut.                            
                                                            
 1493 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Anon                     



Say "musk" and I think of Rebecca;                          
For the horny, her pussy was Mecca.                         
Though her hot little body                                  
Was not at all shoddy,                                      
'Twas her odor that stiffened my pecka.                     
                                                            
 1494 ANATOMY - ODOR                 John Miller              



A fat lady who called herself Sue                           
Hadn't bathed since the year '92.                           
She thought she'd an aura                                   
Of fauna and flora;                                         
She smelled like the St. Louis Zoo!                         
                                                            
 1495 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Tom Patton          P9708



There once was a girl from Point Loma,                      
Who gave off a revolting aroma.                             
The mephitic stench                                         
Of that odorous wench                                       
Would send men off into a coma.                             
                                                            
 1496 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



Then, to be sure, some clown                                
Will come in with a whiff and a frown.                      
"Holy Saint Pete,                                           
Whatever you eat,                                           
You can smell the shit all over town"                       
                                                            
 1497 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A poet with a hairy pelt,                                   
Had a terrible blow to him dealt.                           
When thinking of jigs                                       
And shagging of pigs,                                       
It was his own fingers he smelt.                            
                                                            
 1498 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Cyberhog            T9711



The magazine publisher, Scott,                              
Found his sales were increasing a lot                       
When he showed pictures lewd                                
Of young girls in the nude,                                 
Which were sprayed with the odor of twat.                   
                                                            
 1499 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2289



A pustule on some old whores ass --                         
A putrid and swollen green mass --                          
Was pinched by a turd,                                      
And spewed out a curd                                       
That smelled of sweet cream and cut grass!                  
                                                            
 1500 ANATOMY - ODOR                 H Whelchel               



Clearly, one must have a defense                            
From one's sexual opposite's scents.                        
A stench of your own                                        
Staunches whore-moan-al tones,                              
And separates ladies from gents.                            
                                                            
 1501 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



There once was a girl named Michelle                        
Who washed her hair daily with Prell;                       
She used Listerine                                          
To keep her breath clean,                                   
But her underarms still stunk like hell.                    
                                                            
 1502 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Travis Brasell           



And why's your proboscis stuffed under                      
The arms of Michelle?  We wonder                            
What make you just tarry                                    
In armpits quite hairy,                                     
Instead of her pussy to plunder.                            
                                                            
 1503 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Travis Brasell           



'Tis the pheremones 'pon which he's bent;                   
Uncontrollably drawn to the scent                           
From which others would run                                 
Thinking, my what a bum,                                    
Is for his perversion, a vent.                              
                                                            
 1504 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Andy                     



Since he does display pheremonal                            
Behavior, he's probably clonal.                             
He goes around sniffing                                     
And panting and whiffing                                    
At odors that give him a bonal.                             
                                                            
 1505 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Travis Brasell           



To prepare for my dates, as a man,                          
I'd use Arrid and Dial and Ban.                             
All just to quell                                           
That over-ripe smell.                                       
Great -- now they sell sweat in a can.                      
                                                            
 1506 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Tom Accousti             



Some scurrilous lies 'bout my sox                           
Have been spreading like wildfire or pox.                   
I would just like to say                                    
They smell sweeter than hay;                                
(Though less sweet, I admit, than my jocks.)                
                                                            
 1507 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



A perfume inspector was Scott,                              
At work he sniffed perfumes a lot.                          
At the end of the day,                                      
He would come home and say,                                 
"You can't beat the odor of twat."                          
                                                            
 1508 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2290



My Valentine, your ass is just swell;                       
Here's some perfume to help with the smell.                 
Just spray it all over;                                     
Smells just like fresh clover,                              
So if you spray on too much...oh well.                      
                                                            
 1509 ANATOMY - ODOR                 M Foster                 



The professer, a mean old punk,                             
Ate Limberger cheese by the chunk;                          
Combined with BO,                                           
And the farts that he'd blow,                               
It was worse than a run-over skunk.                         
                                                            
 1510 ANATOMY - ODOR                                          



Though he was a good-looking gent,                          
He put off the girls with his scent.                        
In accents quite scathing,                                  
One asked, "And your bathing--                              
I guess that's a yearly event?"                             
                                                            
 1511 ANATOMY - ODOR                 Norm Storer         P9705



The world is so full of a number of things,                 
I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.                
I'll they you a story--                                     
It won't take me long--                                     
Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.              
                                                            
 1512 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G1520



There was an old fellow and what do you think?              
He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.       
He whacked it, he hacked it,                                
He ate it with glee--                                       
Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?                     
                                                            
 1513 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G1521



This charming old chap had a sister as well:                
He was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.               
He cunt was so dirty                                        
It stank like a beast,                                      
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.        
                                                            
 1514 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G1522



What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!            
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.                  
Their odor and diet                                         
Won't soon be forgotten,                                    
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.                
                                                            
 1515 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G1523



The marching band from Westphalia,                          
Dressed in their finest regalia,                            
Aborted their march                                         
Because of the starch                                       
In their shorts, which chafed genitalia.                    
                                                            
 1516 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Bob Moers                



A high-scoring bowler named Corey,                          
Who was asked by the Press for his story,                   
Said, "I'll give you a tip;                                 
It's all in the grip,                                       
Which I owe to my fiance, Laurie."                          
                                                            
 1517 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



To unlock the mystery of "soul",                            
Monogamy should be our goal,                                
But if it is our fate                                       
To have only one mate,                                      
Why does every key fit every hole.                          
                                                            
 1518 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               John K. Roberts     P9302



A midget said, "In the end, it'll                           
Not matter a jot or a tittle,                               
When it comes to size;                                      
But teasing's unwise,                                       
Because it's not nice to belittle!"                         
                                                            
 1519 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Observer                 



Now sex is a series of knocks,                              
'Cause the girls know we think with our cocks;              
But this isn't true,                                        
I put it to you,                                            
Our brain's in a small bag of rocks.                        
                                                            
 1520 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Tim Fisher               



An aircraft designer named Quinn,                           
Whose wife would roll over and spin;                        
Which caused him to fail,                                   
So he built on her tail,                                    
Elevator and rudder and fin.                                
(fin - the last limerick of the issue)                      
 1521 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Ed Potts            P8602



A certain young man from PA                                 
Collected weird things every day,                           
Like short witty ditties,                                   
On tushes and titties,                                      
And sexual organs at play.                                  
                                                            
 1522 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



Melinda -- I so like to screw her,                          
Though sometimes she smells like manure.                    
If God is so smart,                                         
Why put the best part                                       
Of a woman right next to the sewer.                         
                                                            
 1523 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Aussie owl               



She knew all about men, thought Eulalia,                    
And all about their genitalia.                              
When along came a Negro --                                  
They grow larger than we grow --                            
And distorted her paraphernalia.                            
                                                            
 1524 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G0323



To the newsmen of Iran, we hail ya,                         
We pray ingenuity won't fail ya,                            
For the word "Dole", you see                                
In Persian Farsi,                                           
Is the word for a man's genitalia.                          
                                                            
 1525 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



The pubes are pubs, plus and "e"                            
And it is not silent, you see.                              
No, pubs are quite loud,                                    
And they draw a crowd.                                      
Well, pubes do too, believe me!                             
                                                            
 1526 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Larry Davis         P8601



And all men should stay in their places --                  
In loincloths tied with leather laces.                      
And what is their spot?                                     
You'll hear "G" a lot,                                      
As women put men through their paces.                       
                                                            
 1527 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Marlene Lewis            



"The testes are cooler outside,"                            
Said the doc to the curious bride.                          
"For the semen must not                                     
Get too fucking hot,                                        
And the bag fans your ass on the ride."                     
                                                            
 1528 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   L0210



Now the female hyena does not                               
Have your average mammalian twat;                           
When you see it up close,                                   
Her clitoris is gross!                                      
It's no wonder she laughs a whole lot.                      
                                                            
 1529 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Allen Wolverton          



Well now, you've got my brain flexed;                       
At my wits, I really am vexed.                              
How could you get close                                     
To a clit that is gross.                                    
I'm afraid I'm completely perplexed.                        
                                                            
 1530 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Steve Hocking            



'Bout hyenas, got facts second-hand,                        
But a lass with a big clit is grand.                        
Put your mind well at ease;                                 
She'll be easy to please,                                   
Just as long as you stay out of sand.                       
                                                            
 1531 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Allen Wolverton          



I shed tears when I think of the grit;                      
One slip and you'll be in the shit.                         
It brings tears to my eyes                                  
I can hardly disguise;                                      
It's enough to make one have a fit.                         
                                                            
 1532 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Steve Hocking            



I wonder what made God decide                               
Girl's pee holes are something to hide.                     
It's not easy to see,                                       
For she must sit to pee,                                    
While the man's thing is hanging outside.                   
                                                            
 1533 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



There are some things we mustn't expose,                    
So we hide them away in our clothes.                        
Oh, it's shocking to stare                                  
At what's certainly there --                                
But why this is so, heaven knows.                           
                                                            
 1534 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G2329



A pretty dumb bastard named Bowles,                         
Who's one of your misinformed souls,                        
Claims women have dinks,                                    
And what's more, he thinks,                                 
That men are endowed with two holes.                        
                                                            
 1535 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Armand E Singer       276



You men who give names to your bits,                        
Then talk about them like they're "its" --                  
You mystify me.                                             
We women, you see                                           
Don't go around naming our tits.                            
                                                            
 1536 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



That body parts should all have names;                      
It comes from the roosters, not dames.                      
You all cock-a-doodle                                       
While naming your noodle;                                   
We women aren't into those games.                           
                                                            
 1537 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



It's a fact, they should truly have names.                  
I know a young lady from Ames,                              
Says when meeting a gent,                                   
The first minutes are spent                                 
With him chatting her titties, she claims.                  
                                                            
 1538 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



Efficiency expert McGraff,                                  
Thought nine months for birth was a laugh.                  
He emerged from seclusion                                   
With his studied conclusion,                                
That two men would reduce it by half.                       
                                                            
 1539 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-1416



Little Jane and her brother had fiddled,                    
And she wept that, by God, she'd been diddled,              
For she found he'd a cock                                   
Where she, 'neath her frock,                                
Had only the hole where she tiddled.                        
                                                            
 1540 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G0066



Statistical proof would suggest,                            
(And my own calculations attest)                            
When all data's compiled,                                   
Each man, woman, and child,                                 
Has on average, one nut and one breast.                     
                                                            
 1541 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Scott                    



I can help if you let me watch,                             
As you strip off and show me your crotch.                   
If it's soft pink and runny,                                
We call it a cunny,                                         
And it means you're a woman, top notch.                     
                                                            
 1542 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Chimera                  



But if what you've got in the middle,                       
Hangs down like a single stringed fiddle,                   
With a blue vien and wrinkles,                              
And one eye that twinkles,                                  
You're a man who must stand up to piddle.                   
                                                            
 1543 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Chimera                  



Behold this most curious species,                           
A creature of boundless caprice, he's                       
With three apertures wrought,                               
One with prurience fraught,                                 
And the other two spew forms of feces.                      
                                                            
 1544 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Bob Giandomenico    P8901



"I'm hung like a horse!" they all say;                      
Each hoping to get his own way.                             
But, I'm not impressed                                      
I have seen the best --                                     
Out in the barn one fine day!                               
                                                            
 1545 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



The prisoners' cheer was uproarious.                        
The Warden became NOTORIOUS.                                
For efficiency's sake                                       
He decided to make                                          
The colony both penal and clitorious.                       
                                                            
 1546 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Norm                     



She's a lady who happens to care                            
For those gentlemen's skulls that are bare;                 
And for having a ball,                                      
What she digs most of all,                                  
Is to play with the part in their hair.                     
                                                            
 1547 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Thomas A. Quinine   P8601



The dissolute doings of Doris                               
Once shocked, but now only bore us.                         
This concupiscent frail                                     
Is so hot in the tail,                                      
That her asshole has now become porous.                     
(concupiscent - ardently desired)                           
 1548 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G0960



As for things that go bump in the night,                    
I prefer those that don't give me fright.                   
What I would include                                        
Are best enjoyed nude,                                      
Are rounded, quite soft, and don't bite.                    
                                                            
 1549 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Macsam                   



The difference between the two sexes                        
Is the same in both China and Texas,                        
Korea, Valbonne,                                            
Cairo, Crete, and Athlone,                                  
For the same genitalia connexas. (connex - join together)   
(Valbonne - town in France where Legman lived)              
 1550 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G0449



There was a young woman from Venus                          
Who was suddenly growing a penis,                           
And also a beard.                                           
It was truly weird                                          
And the sound of her voice was quite henious!               
                                                            
 1551 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                        



As youngsters when life had no flaws,                       
A boy and a girl oft would pause.                           
And one would opine                                         
With, "I'll show you mine                                   
Provided that you show me yours."                           
                                                            
 1552 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Irving Superior     P2005



I think that raptures would be fine;                        
You show me yours, I'll show mine.                          
'Course this is 'bout looks                                 
At each other's books --                                    
Or anything else we can find.                               
                                                            
 1553 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



I've wearied of limericks mentalia,                         
Who writes smugly of others' phallia.                       
Though their style is inane,                                
It shows that their brain,                                  
Is smaller than their genitalia.                            
                                                            
 1554 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Randy Wilkinson          



There was a young man of Penang                             
Who believed in letting things hang.                        
But one day when he sneezed,                                
Something fell past his knees,                              
And hit the floor with a clang.                             
                                                            
 1555 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Spike Mulligan           



My gonads are those of a monkey.                            
My Cowper's is naught if not spunky.                        
My prostate is chimp-like;                                  
My testicles blimp-like;                                    
And Percy?  He's long, stuff and hunky.                     
                                                            
 1556 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               H Whelchel               



There was an old pander from Perth,                         
Who's ma nearly died giving birth.                          
His head wasn't bad                                         
But then came his gonad,                                    
Which stretched her for all she was worth.                  
                                                            
 1557 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Stephen A Rooney         



Miss Wilkerson thought it her duty.                         
To maintain her conjugal beauty.                            
She mixed up a paste                                        
Like industrial waste,                                      
And applied it to her sweet patootie.                       
                                                            
 1558 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



Heart throbs with a tingling sensation;                     
Blood rushes to cause an inflation.                         
Tongue drags on the floor                                   
And what's it all for?                                      
A temporary organ donation.                                 
                                                            
 1559 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               SFA                      



If you donate that organ to me,                             
I double-god-damn guarantee                                 
A permanent use                                             
For the meat and the juice;                                 
Especially if hung to the knee.                             
                                                            
 1560 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Sister Christina         



And after the breathless gyration,                          
There follows a mutual elation.                             
Then old phallic pride                                      
Begins to subside                                           
Without any standing ovation.                               
                                                            
 1561 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               SFA                      



An anatomy student, Jane Doan,                              
Took a Yankee to bed in Boulogne.                           
When she saw his tool,                                      
She laughed like a fool,                                    
Saying, "that's just a third funny-bone."                   
                                                            
 1562 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Ed Wolfert          P8309



A jock put excessive demands                                
On overworked sexual glands.                                
He'd hump thrice a night                                    
Any female is sight,                                        
Plus in-between bouts with his hands.                       
                                                            
 1563 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Mervyn Cripps collection 



My brother, his name it is Toff.                            
This gal asked to take his pants off.                       
Sexy knowledge he lacked;                                   
When she reached for his sack,                              
He just turned his head and he coughed.                     
                                                            
 1564 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the yogi, "My twisted position                         
Has deep meaning -- it's not exhibition.                    
My aura expands,                                            
Giving glow to my glands,                                   
Thus increasing my powers of coition.                       
                                                            
 1565 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Grand Prix Lim  227 G0433



"Oh look, love, our baby Melissa."                          
"Melissa?  You certain, Clarissa?"                          
"Of course I'm quite sure."                                 
"But my dear, I implore!                                    
Please check on the size of its pisser."                    
                                                            
 1566 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Peter Wilkins            



The midwives all gathered around,                           
Staring down at Melissa and frowned;                        
"Well we think it's a Pisser                                
Attached to Melissa,                                        
But no sign of Bollocks we've found."                       
                                                            
 1567 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Peter Wilkins            



It doesn't matter, I agree,                                 
Whether she sits or stands to pee.                          
And if up she stands,                                       
Hope she'll wash her hands,                                 
Then put the lid back down for me.                          
                                                            
 1568 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Carol                    



They called in a doctor ere long,                           
Who said, "Hold it, Melissa; they're wrong.                 
Although more than a stub                                   
It's a Clitoral-Nub,                                        
And most certainly isn't a Dong."                           
                                                            
 1569 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Peter Wilkins            



"Oh no," said the paediatrician,                            
Who studied Melissa's condition;                            
"At nearly a metre                                          
That Nub is a Peter;                                        
Her Balls are just out of position."                        
                                                            
 1570 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Peter Wilkins            



So what if Melissa's a he;                                  
Or as likely as not is a she?                               
For whatever she's got,                                     
Does it matter a jot,                                       
If she stands or she squats for a pee?                      
                                                            
 1571 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Carol                    



What if she's a hermaphrodite?                              
Would it be wrong or be right?                              
Having both hole and dick,                                  
There's a neat trick;                                       
She could fuck herself every night.                         
                                                            
 1572 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Anon                     



The frustrations of Johnny Carruther,                       
Must stem from this fact and none other:                    
There just wasn't room                                      
To return to the womb,                                      
Occupied, at the time, by his brother.                      
                                                            
 1573 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               J. D. Dunham, 1935       



There was a young lady named Venus,                         
Who body was shaped like a penis.                           
A fellow named Hunt                                         
Was shaped like a cunt,                                     
So it all worked out fine, just between us.                 
                                                            
 1574 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



We dedicate this to the cunt,                               
The kind the broad-minded guys hunt.                        
All hail to the twat,                                       
Willing, thrilling, and hot,                                
That wears peckers down, limp and blunt.                    
                                                            
 1575 ANATOMY - SEXUAL                                   G0048



To moralists, sex is a sin,                                 
Yet Nature suggests we begin.                               
She arranged it, no doubt,                                  
That a fellow juts out                                      
In the place where a damsel juts in.                        
                                                            
 1576 ANATOMY - SEXUAL               Isaac Asimov             



A deceptive young lady named Dare                           
Removed her fake tits, ass and hair.                        
But her boyfriend was slick,                                
For he pulled out his prick,                                
And he fucked all the stuff in the chair.                   
                                                            
 1577 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Albin Chaplin   3024-1770



There was an old fellow named Al                            
Who wouldn't take any old gal.                              
He preferred one with boobs                                 
And Fallopian tubes                                         
And perhaps a vaginal canal.                                
                                                            
 1578 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Garrison Keillor    P9111



Her little sweet pussy's a beaut;                           
Her ass is equally cute!                                    
Her tits are the best;                                      
She gives head with zest,                                   
And her brain is equally astute.                            
                                                            
 1579 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Little Richard           



There was a young girl of Lahore,                           
The same shape behind as before.                            
Since no one knew                                           
Which side to screw,                                        
It baffled the spermatozoa.                                 
                                                            
 1580 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                          G1676



My wife's balls are so hairy,                               
Makes Neanderthal look like a fairy.                        
And she has a dick                                          
To make King Kong sick,                                     
And no asshole's safe, so be wary.                          
                                                            
 1581 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      MrMalo                   



A gal called an Oz radio station,                           
Said: "Doc, I've this strange aberration.                   
A quick navel rub                                           
Excites my twat nub;                                        
A sort of remote masturbation.                              
                                                            
 1582 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Tiddy Ogg                



"Well Hon, this is quite a strange perv;                    
I think that your clitoral nerve                            
Must nearly abut on                                         
Your old belly button,                                      
In an odd subcutaneous curve."                              
                                                            
 1583 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Tiddy Ogg                



Before the old quack could say more,                        
The phone calls came in by the score,                       
From ladies who, too,                                       
Got a virtual screw,                                        
By tickling their navelly door.                             
                                                            
 1584 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Tiddy Ogg                



The whole of that story is true;                            
So ladies, I'll leave it to you.                            
Please try, and report                                      
If there's thrills of that sort                             
And therby to give us a clue...                             
                                                            
 1585 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Tiddy Ogg                



...As to whether we need to resort                          
To that southerly hair-cladded port,                        
Or whether a flick                                          
And a nibble and lick                                       
To your navel prepares you for sport.                       
                                                            
 1586 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Tiddy Ogg                



No one ever better come near                                
My belly button 'cause I fear,                              
Though quite an attraction,                                 
My knee-jerk reaction                                       
Will surely disable your spear.                             
                                                            
 1587 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Carol                    



A clit is one fine little item                              
For diddlin' on gals to excite 'em;                         
If diddlin' their clit                                      
Excites 'em a bit;                                          
They'll really fire up if ya bite 'em!                      
                                                            
 1588 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Travis Brasell           



At the auction of Mabel's vagina,                           
All her lovers bought parts they thought fine: a            
Coal miner, a rajah,                                        
Bought labia major,                                         
And a major her labia minor.                                
                                                            
 1589 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                          G0478



Egyptian boys, being demented,                              
Were happy at first, then lamented:                         
"It's too hard to hold                                      
The damn centerfold."                                       
And thus was the staple invented.                           
                                                            
 1590 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Travis Brasell           



Joan had an amazing clit;                                   
'Twould stand whenever she'd sit.                           
She could whirl it around,                                  
Throw it down on the ground,                                
Then bounce it across her left tit.                         
                                                            
 1591 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Jim Weaver Collection    



A steroid-freak chick from Belize,                          
Had a clit that hung down to her knees.                     
She said, "Look here quick!                                 
This could pass for a dick,                                 
If my cunt were not crawling with fleas."                   
                                                            
 1592 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Steve Wales              



Etymologist, Sir Henry Bligh                                
Said, "A menage a troi I will try.                          
It may be absurd                                            
But I'll coin a new word:                                   
I can say the girls had clitori"                            
                                                            
 1593 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



People tend to resort                                       
In calling them clits, for short.                           
Many are nice,                                              
One will suffice;                                           
I think that's all I can support.                           
                                                            
 1594 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



In screwing, Jane's lover is hit-or-miss,                   
And often neglects her poor clitoris.                       
So she's frequently fated                                   
To lie there, frustrated,                                   
And filled to her eyebrows with bitterness.                 
                                                            
 1595 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Isaac Asimov             



There once was a girl named Delores,                        
Who sang in a 20-girl chorus.                               
At the top of her slit                                      
Was a very cute clit,                                       
But I like to call it cliTORis!                             
                                                            
 1596 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Al Willis           T9710



An awkward young girl named Delores                         
Who danced in a Las Vegas chorus                            
Once mused as she flounced,                                 
"Just how is it pronunced?                                  
As CLIT-uh-russ or as clit-ORR-us?"                         
                                                            
 1597 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Captain Infinity         



Where are you, ma chere little Kitten?                      
With tu I confess je suis smitten.                          
I can't get to sleep                                        
Aujourd'hui for I keep                                      
In my mind your sweet clitten and slitten.                  
                                                            
 1598 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Peter Wilkins            



Once ninety year old Mrs. Biddle                            
Watched porn while she diddled her middle.                  
But she had to quit                                         
Because her poor clit                                       
Was crumbling from being so brittle.                        
                                                            
 1599 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



There's a woman in Greece named Deciderus                   
Who has an unusual clitoris.                                
It's two foot and a half,                                   
And hangs past her calf,                                    
So she ties it 'round back where her shitter is.            
                                                            
 1600 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      MrMalo                   



Deciderus felt like a freak                                 
Until she met Zorba the Greek,                              
Whose thirty foot foreskin                                  
Grew twenty foot more skin                                  
And burst when he went for a leak.                          
                                                            
 1601 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      PeterW                   



The story of Deciderus is no fraud;                         
She was given that body by God.                             
But her real claim to fame                                  
Was her lovers' nickname;                                   
They referred to her just as "Tripod".                      
                                                            
 1602 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Eric Arthur Blair 1984   



A curious thing, the vagina,                                
Said the Doctor of cology (gyne),                           
It has lips that don't talk,                                
And goes 'squish' when you walk,                            
But I've never seen anything fina!                          
                                                            
 1603 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Ogden Nield         P9601



If the Final Frontier is in Space;                          
And the Spinal Frontier is a Face;                          
I think I can show,                                         
Therefore and ergo,                                         
The Vaginal Frontier is First Place.                        
                                                            
 1604 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Dick Ford                



From women I've learned such a lot,                         
I'm now better at giving than not.                          
So my dearest sweet Jayne,                                  
Let us give love free rein --                               
I long to search out your G-spot!                           
                                                            
 1605 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Tutta                    



A launcher of rockets called Nero,                          
Was hailed by the ladies a hero.                            
For believe it or not,                                      
He could find the G-spot,                                   
While they counted down three two one zero.                 
                                                            
 1606 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Professor                



That elusive sneaky G-spot!                                 
It migrates all over the twat!                              
Sometimes near the clit                                     
Where I wish it would sit...                                
Wherever your are, it is not!                               
                                                            
 1607 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Tutta Gioia              



There was an old man of Westphalia                          
Who was always prepared to regalia                          
With lewd exposes                                           
Of his numerous lays,                                       
And descriptions of their genitalia.                        
                                                            
 1608 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                          G0223



All hail to the naked female,                               
Big of bust, round of rear, pretty tail!                    
Her lack of resistance                                      
Keeps the race in existence;                                
May our yen for her tail never fail.                        
                                                            
 1609 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Grand Prix Lim  145 G0065



I once knew a girl from Belize                              
Who had flaps that hung down to her knees.                  
When the weather was hot,                                   
She would flap them and squat,                              
Thus causing a southernly breeze.                           
                                                            
 1610 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Peter Wilkins            



I spotted her squatting one day,                            
Smiling calmly and flapping away,                           
When she lifted and rose                                    
Drifting off. I suppose                                     
That's the hovercraft principle, eh?                        
                                                            
 1611 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Peter Wilkins            



Women have interesting parts;                               
There's pairs of them over their hearts.                    
And down near the middle,                                   
A place you can diddle,                                     
But keep clear of the place where she farts!                
                                                            
 1612 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Jim Weaver Collection    



A sultry young slut from South Asia                         
Has a body that's sure to amasia:                           
Her boobs are rectangular,                                  
Butt quite triangular--                                     
And internal organs still crasia.                           
                                                            
 1613 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Norm Storer              



A rather strange maid from Japan                            
Spent half of each day in the can,                          
Thinking thoughts Oriental,                                 
Some vulgar, some gentle,                                   
And keeping it cool with her fan.                           
                                                            
 1614 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      S. D. Bismark            



I would say that they have quite an aura,                   
In Texas or in Bora Bora.                                   
They're called 'curly gates'.                               
Just ask your bedmates;                                     
I refer to the Labia Majora!                                
                                                            
 1615 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Al Willis           P9809



There was a bleached blonde named Dolores,                  
Who had an unusual clitoris.                                
Its location remote                                         
Was deep in her throat,                                     
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!                  
                                                            
 1616 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Stan                     



So pretty when seen from the rear,                          
They all have that part in their hair;                      
And those rosy cheeks.                                      
Could kiss 'em for weeks,                                   
Before sending my beast to the lair                         
                                                            
 1617 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



When it comes down to menopause,                            
I think it's a blessing for whores.                         
For their business gets worse                               
When they're having the curse                               
Due to layers of cotton and gauze.                          
                                                            
 1618 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Bob Mornington           



While the Danube may look nice and blue                     
To a myopic moron like you,                                 
To me it looks red                                          
From the menstrual blood shed                               
By ten million females plus two!                            
                                                            
 1619 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                          G2264



A contortionist born in Bengal                              
Kept her many admirers enthralled                           
With erotic embraces;                                       
She'd muscles in places                                     
Where most girls have nothing at all.                       
                                                            
 1620 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      CeeJay                   



I'll admit that I was self-taught;                          
I never could tie a square knot.                            
I get lost when downtown,                                   
As I drive 'round and 'round.                               
And I never could find the G-spot.                          
                                                            
 1621 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Aberystwith,                     
Who said to the girl that he kissed with,                   
"That hole in your crotch                                   
Is for fucking and such,                                    
And not just a gadget to piss with."                        
                                                            
 1622 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



An ancient biologist, Heine,                                
Taught some girls that the female vagina                    
Was the seat of their joy,                                  
But they shouted back, "Oy!                                 
We've got something much more diviner!"                     
                                                            
 1623 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Carol Rumens             



The moniker "Retard" applies                                
To the nubby that's found 'tween your thighs.               
It's growth is so stunted,                                  
For days Carol hunted.                                      
Now she just craves my grand prize.                         
                                                            
 1624 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



There was an old sheila named Maggie,                       
Whose nips were all hairy and saggy.                        
When she opened her bucket,                                 
The blokes wouldn't fuck it,                                
'Cause both of the lips were too baggy.                     
                                                            
 1625 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Dave                     



A woman has gonads, you know,                               
Except that with us, they don't show.                       
Why have nuts or dicks?                                     
Vulnerable to kicks,                                        
And often they have "one hung low!"                         
                                                            
 1626 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Jayne                    



Let us venerate treasure on earth                           
Where we celebrate pleasure and birth --                    
Hidden there 'twixt her thighs                              
And though tiny in size,                                    
Can hold rods of great measure and girth.                   
                                                            
 1627 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Bob Giandomenico    P9001



There was a poor woman named Gist                           
Who had an ovarian cyst;                                    
Not harmlessly small,                                       
No, not that at all,                                        
But roughly the size of your fist!                          
                                                            
 1628 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Armand E Singer       734



I'm practicing 'body-art' painting                          
On Lucy, but she keeps on fainting,                         
Whenever the stroke                                         
Of my brush makes a poke,                                   
Between her two holes where there's tainting.               
                                                            
 1629 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Travis Brasell           



Be careful and use some restraint;                          
Stick masking-tape there 'fore you paint.                   
And thusly protected,                                       
Your brush, when erected,                                   
Will spray no more paint on her taint.                      
                                                            
 1630 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Peter Wilkins            



I pondered your 'masking-tape' tip                          
And used it on Lucy's last trip                             
To hide her taint part;                                     
However my art                                              
Required me to give it a rip!                               
                                                            
 1631 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Travis Brasell           



A delicate segment, the taint,                              
And poking might make a girl faint.                         
Get rid of that brush;                                      
Don't be in a rush.                                         
Next time, dear, use some finger paint.                     
                                                            
 1632 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



To be young with good looks is no brag.                     
As a woman there's only one snag,                           
That I can conclude                                         
Is that females get screwed;                                
PMS once a month, what a drag.                              
(It's call PMS because Mad Cow Disease was taken - McW)     
 1633 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Goin2later               



Said a certain delightful old nut,                          
"I guess I am just in a rut,                                
Made of breasts and of lips,                                
And vaginas and hips,                                       
And sometimes a well-rounded butt."                         
                                                            
 1634 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Isaac Asimov             



Consider this sanitary pad                                  
Used monthly by Doris and Glad...                           
Though recycling stuff                                      
Maybe worthy enough,                                        
They're exceeding the limits, a tad.                        
                                                            
 1635 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Peter Wilkins            



Let's see, how many holes have I got,                       
Besides the sweet one that's my twat.                       
Please do not pass                                          
Up the one in my ass,                                       
Or my mouth, which is ever so hot                           
                                                            
 1636 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



But let's not forget, Dear, your ear                        
Whose hot throbbing pulse I hear here.                      
Inviting a sluice                                           
Of precious love juice,                                     
(But your ASSHOLE?  You must think I'm queer!)              
                                                            
 1637 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



There was an old woman named Doris,                         
Who possessed a six-inch clitoris.                          
The first time she was took                                 
She was sadly mistook                                       
For a man in the building named Morris.                     
                                                            
 1638 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Macsam                   



The cervix, it seems, is connected                          
To neurons which can be detected,                           
By pounding it soundly                                      
And bouncing it roundly,                                    
With sentiments deeply directed.                            
                                                            
 1639 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      H Whelchel               



By mystical perfect design,                                 
The impulses bypass the spine.                              
They obviate pain                                           
And pleasure the brain                                      
With feelings, it's said, quite devine.                     
                                                            
 1640 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      H Whelchel               



Most women I know scream and buck                           
Whilst enjoying a bloody good fuck.                         
So this may explain                                         
Why it pleasures their brain,                               
To finish it off with a suck.                               
                                                            
 1641 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Steve                    



An unlucky woman named Rube                                 
Was cursed with a mighty odd tube.                          
The stream from her piddle                                  
Came not from her middle                                    
But inches above her right boob.                            
                                                            
 1642 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Armand E Singer       455



In New York at the Waldorf Astoria,                         
All the girls have stunning clitoria.                       
But their South African Sisters                             
Disappoint all the misters,                                 
Especially in Southern Pretoria.                            
                                                            
 1643 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Bob Mornington           



Of all the mammalian features                               
On our lovable feminine creatures,                          
I go blindly at once                                        
For their teats and their cunts,                            
And I suck and I fuck without teachers!                     
                                                            
 1644 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                          G0328



Ther was a young man of Natal,                              
And Sue was the name of his gal.                            
He went out one day,                                        
For a damned long way,                                      
Right up the Suez Canal.                                    
                                                            
 1645 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Norman Douglas      LOO74



Said a horny young man, Ira Bass,                           
"Just yesterday I made a pass                               
At a sweet young thing                                      
Who made my heart sing,                                     
But I'm still a-lackin' a lass!"                            
                                                            
 1646 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Observer                 



With Ira Bass I'm not acquainted,                           
But 'tis a sad picture you've painted!                      
Now Ira should pick                                         
Another sweet chick,                                        
And make a pass where she is tainted!                       
                                                            
 1647 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Travis Brasell           



The taint is that membrane of skin                          
That is used by us gentlemen when                           
We yodel the canyon                                         
Of a female companion:                                      
It's used as a rest for the chin.                           
                                                            
 1648 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Hugh Clary               



"I know, sir, of what you have spoken,"                     
Said Ira, "And 'taint meant for jokin',                     
'Cause constant miss-use                                    
(And some self abuse)                                       
Has left my dong near cracked and broken.                   
                                                            
 1649 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Observer                 



To all, great heavens above,                                
Your 'map' is a masterpiece, guv!                           
Now Bass may not faint                                      
When he finds the taint                                     
Just spans a gal's holes we gents love.                     
                                                            
 1650 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Travis Brasell           



When that masking tape's finally torn out,                  
Her screams will leave nary a doubt                         
That her taint hurts a lot.                                 
Her bikini line's hot;                                      
Between pleasure and pain, "More!" she'll shout.            
                                                            
 1651 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



A DNA mix-up named Doris,                                   
Had a strangely located clitoris.                           
It was attached to her gums,                                
So whenever she hums,                                       
She comes when she reaches the chorus!                      
                                                            
 1652 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE                               



There is a young hooker named Dole                          
Whose mid-parts charm body and soul;                        
First, a slot fuzzed and tight,                             
In itself a delight,                                        
Then cheeks like a Parker House roll.                       
                                                            
 1653 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Armand E Singer       814



Of anatomy, this guy was no dunce;                          
He knew all there's to know about cunts.                    
"Do you know why," the man quips,                           
"Girls have two sets of lips?                               
So they can keep pissing and moaning at once."              
                                                            
 1654 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Squeaky            TP9807



A bumpy bike ride to her frien'                             
Left that lady with numbness mons ven'.                     
Said she with lament                                        
Considering bent,                                           
"I'll never come that way again."                           
                                                            
 1655 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Norm Brust               



A preposterous fellow of Whitby                             
Had no clue as to what could the clit be,                   
But imagined he thought                                     
That he sort of knew what                                   
Could that thing as the tip of the tit be.                  
                                                            
 1656 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - FEMALE      Keith MacMillan       57a



There was a young man from "Down Under"                     
Claimed his privates were the world's seventh wonder.       
As he walked about town,                                    
His dick trailed on the ground;                             
When his balls moved, it sounded like thunder.              
                                                            
 1657 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Jim Weaver Collection    



A nearsighted doctor from Queens                            
Told his patient, "Please drop your jeans."                 
He thought the patient a chick,                             
But when he saw the guy's dick,                             
Said, "That's the biggest clit I've ever seen!"             
                                                            
 1658 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE                                 



A perverse old fellow was Fred,                             
Ever since his poor pecker went dead.                       
His blood red and thick                                     
Had once nourished his prick,                               
Now flowed unrestrained through his head.                   
                                                            
 1659 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2069



The cunt of the wife of old Fred                            
Was dying, till Playboy she read.                           
It opened a shunt                                           
From her head to her cunt,                                  
And now she fucks better in bed.                            
                                                            
 1660 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2070



A castrated fellow named Mitch                              
Had fantasies he said were rich.                            
These he shared with his wife.                              
Who had grabbed a sharp knife;                              
Several parts she then threw in a ditch.                    
                                                            
 1661 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Bob Birch           P0206



He had hope to have these grafted on,                       
But his scrotum and left ball were gone.                    
A neighborhood pup                                          
Had picked these parts up                                   
And buried them in the back lawn.                           
                                                            
 1662 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Bob Birch           P0206



There was a young fellow named Forrest,                     
Whose cornhole was always the sorest.                       
Said he, I don't mind                                       
A regular grind,                                            
But I wish that my ass were clitorised.                     
                                                            
 1663 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE                                 



Though his front was half switched from behind,             
Freak Ron's life proved a triumph of mind.                  
That his tool was aft mounted,                              
Was a trial he surmounted,                                  
Pleasing girls who were deaf, dumb, and blind.              
                                                            
 1664 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        John Miller              



Now men's parts are interesting, too;                       
Of most balls, there are at least two.                      
And the flagpole well raised,                               
Is thoroughly praised,                                      
And is definitely given it's due.                           
                                                            
 1665 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Nantucket;                        
His penis grew long when he'd shuck it.                     
But the outflow of blood                                    
To his burgeoning pud,                                      
Meant his brain kicked the symbolic bucket.                 
                                                            
 1666 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Anon                     



A penis arrived in this vestibule                           
All alone and hardly contestable,                           
What will come now?                                         
As it takes a bow,                                          
Will along come a solitary testicle?                        
                                                            
 1667 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE                                 



The same penis and his mate waved flags                     
'Cause they went to the beach, no nags.                     
One said let's go in                                        
For a nice little swim.                                     
The other said "Go alone, I'll watch the bag(s)."           
                                                            
 1668 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE                                 



There was a young fellow named Rule,                        
Who went to a library school.                               
As he fingered the index,                                   
His thoughts ran to sex,                                    
And his blood all ran to his tool.                          
(Probably passed out for lack of blood to his brain - McW)  
 1669 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE                            L1342



There's a man by the name of John Hall,                     
Whose prostate began very small.                            
Now he says, quite aghast,                                  
"That's a thing of the past,                                
It's the size of my new bowling ball."                      
                                                            
 1670 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Tom Patton          P0108



Though a harlot's a handy factotum                          
Who likes peters enough to deep throat 'em,                 
And praises their stroke,                                   
It's never been spoke                                       
That they've seen an adorable scrotum.                      
                                                            
 1671 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - MALE        Hugh Clary               



A spermatozoa called Luke,                                  
Met an egg, a remarkable fluke,                             
Then started to grow                                        
And wanted to know,                                         
Why a bun in an oven must cook.                             
                                                            
 1672 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Al                                     
Went in a vaginal canal.                                    
He clung to the wall                                        
And did nothing at all,                                     
Except wish good luck to his pal.                           
                                                            
 1673 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Jack,                                  
Was sent right up into a crack.                             
He started to blubber,                                      
At the end of the rubber,                                   
Yelling, "This is a damned cul-de-sac".                     
                                                            
 1674 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,                          
His moment of sexual truth.                                 
He'd expected to fall                                       
On a womb's spongy wall,                                    
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.                     
                                                            
 1675 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



A spermatozoon from Xail                                    
Had fifty-five heads and one tail.                          
He blew out a tube                                          
And died on the boob,                                       
Of something that looked like a whale.                      
                                                            
 1676 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



John's underwear, probably too tight;                       
"Take them off," Jane said, "Tonight,                       
I'll kiss them for you,                                     
With a caress or two.                                       
Will this take care of your plight?"                        
                                                            
 1677 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



As they bounced up and down in his scrote,                  
One said, "Now his manhood's abloat...                      
So we'll tickle her chin                                    
As she takes him all in,                                    
Then spazzculate right down her throat!"                    
                                                            
 1678 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



John's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!",                 
As he fondled young Jane on the couch.                      
Said the left, "I feel blue";                               
Said the right one, "Me too",                               
As they jiggled around in their pouch.                      
                                                            
 1679 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



A spermatozoa called Fred,                                  
Was ejected one night in a bed.                             
With a lovely warm glow,                                    
He knew just where to go,                                   
But the egg that he entered was dead.                       
                                                            
 1680 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Earl                                   
Was swept upwards and on in a swirl;                        
Then he used every means                                    
To make use of his genes,                                   
To produce an eight pound bonny girl.                       
                                                            
 1681 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Liz, the fallopian tube,                               
In her counterpart tube name of Rube,                       
"Keep a grip on that egg;                                   
Don't let Greg cause a preg                                 
With his spermatozooical lube."                             
                                                            
 1682 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



A sweet miss from Shanghai named Sue                        
Ran into a sperm by a screw.                                
All the X's and Y's,                                        
All the girls and the guys                                  
It outraced and was born Fu Manchu.                         
                                                            
 1683 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Chairman Steve           



A spermatozoa called Sue                                    
Was rare as a female sperm, true.                           
But hermaphrodite dykes                                     
Have strange likes and dislikes,                            
When they screw themselves all the night through.           
                                                            
 1684 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



For poor little Boyd with some feeling                      
Had hoped for a fate more appealing,                        
And felt he'd much rather                                   
Have been someone's father                                  
Than glued to the ceiling congealing.                       
                                                            
 1685 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



A spermatozoa called Pat                                    
Said "I hope that he know's what he's at.                   
This passage I'm down                                       
Is smelly and brown;                                        
I've a feeling I'm going to be shat."                       
                                                            
 1686 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



I gotta get out of this place.                              
I gotta have plenty more space.                             
Oh-Oh, I feel pumping,                                      
I'd better start jumping,                                   
'Cause I'm going to win this here race.                     
                                                            
 1687 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



Hey, this ain't no feminine pubes                           
Or even some pretty pink boobs.                             
This whole way I've chased;                                 
It's all been a waste!                                      
I'm stuck in this dumb rubber tube.                         
                                                            
 1688 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



A spermatozoa called Dave                                   
Found himself in a long narrow cave,                        
And fearing his doom,                                       
Climbed into a womb,                                        
Met an egg, and they started to rave.                       
                                                            
 1689 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



One fallopian tube to another                               
Said, "My turn this month to be a mother."                  
"Your ova-provide-                                          
d," the other one cried;                                    
"But your under-supplied," said the other...                
                                                            
 1690 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



"Your ova are ova the hill                                  
And not ovaly keen on the thrill;                           
But I'll make an eggception;                                
You try for conception."                                    
"Okay," said the other, "I will!"                           
                                                            
 1691 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



A conceptual masterpiece, this,                             
Which no one could possibly hiss.                           
But can one afford                                          
To roundly applaud,                                         
An occasion at best hit-or-miss.                            
                                                            
 1692 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Prof                     



A spermatozoa called Claude                                 
Was feeling lethargic and bored,                            
So he went for a swim                                       
Right into a quim,                                          
And in no time at all -- Claude scored!                     
                                                            
 1693 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa named Proff,                                  
Was jerking his little tail off.                            
Just by pure luck,                                          
He got his head stuck,                                      
In something quite thicky and soff..                        
                                                            
 1694 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa named Horace                                  
Belonged to a fellow called Boris.                          
And as Boris humped                                         
Horace was pumped,                                          
Into someone who gave Boris solace.                         
                                                            
 1695 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



We're here in this strange terra nova,                      
And found nothing interesting, so fa'.                      
But we got to rush                                          
Or else she will flush                                      
Us out 'fore we get to the ova.                             
                                                            
 1696 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Tiddy Ogg                



A spermatozoa called Odin,                                  
Had a quite dreadful foreboding;                            
The hole he was sent in,                                    
Belonged to a gent in                                       
Possession of faulty sex coding.                            
                                                            
 1697 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Ivan                                   
Had a man who tried life to enliven.                        
He found a young gel                                        
Who handled him well;                                       
Ivan fell in her palm on a divan.                           
                                                            
 1698 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Lee,                                   
Had feelings of gladness and glee.                          
But his mirth turned to doubt                               
When he was, he found out,                                  
In the orifice used for a pee.                              
                                                            
 1699 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Lew                                    
Was waiting, with nothing to do.                            
When his man felt an urge,                                  
And Lew, with a surge,                                      
Was projected straight into a loo.                          
                                                            
 1700 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Ted                                    
Came out on the night they were wed,                        
But was sadly, withdrawn,                                   
And discovered next morn,                                   
Remaining, a stain on the bed.                              
                                                            
 1701 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Ed                                     
Had a double length tail but no head.                       
He came back to front                                       
In a nice lady's cunt,                                      
And a knot in his tail, it is said.                         
                                                            
 1702 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



Sperm 1: "I feel quite out of place."                       
Sperm 2: "Me too, but 'twas nice changee of pace."          
Sperm 1: "Bet we look funny                                 
All gooey and runny."                                       
Sperm 2: "Oh no, we look good on her face!"                 
                                                            
 1703 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Travis Brasell           



A spermatozoa named Jack                                    
Said, "I think that we're on the right track;               
Past the entrance we've sped,                               
In the dark and ahead                                       
Are the tonsils we aim to attack.                           
                                                            
 1704 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Marlene Lewis            



Sounds more like poor Jack was just lost,                   
Which he would soon find -- to his cost.                    
He did not taste good,                                      
So, just like I would --                                    
The poor girl, her cookies, she tossed.                     
                                                            
 1705 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



Now Jack's on a trip down the loo.                          
If he aims to make something new,                           
It will not be pretty --                                    
It's going to be shitty --                                  
'Cause all he can get to is poo.                            
                                                            
 1706 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



A close friend of Jack's was name Frank.                    
In the next load ex the sperm bank,                         
While looking forward to cunt,                              
Heard a yell from up front,                                 
"Go back lads, it's only a wank!"                           
                                                            
 1707 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Marlene Lewis            



The fate of the sperm is unclear.                           
And all will admit the same fear,                           
In finding the spot,                                        
In which it is shot,                                        
Is the ass of a big hairy queer.                            
                                                            
 1708 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Going2later              



A spermatozoa called Sean,                                  
Aroused when his man got the horn,                          
And from this erection                                      
Shot out with perfection.                                   
Nine months later a baby was born.                          
                                                            
 1709 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Mac,                                   
Found himself in a wee lassie's crack.                      
He cried out aloud                                          
To the rest of the crowd,                                   
"Ah came, and ah'm nae goin' back."                         
                                                            
 1710 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A sperm platoon well trained and steady.                    
One weakling, though, said: "I'm not ready.                 
Can't go with the flow,                                     
Much too weak now, you know.                                
When I gain strength I'll catch up", so said he.            
                                                            
 1711 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Ron                                    
Was called on, and now he has gone.                         
Because in the night                                        
To someone's delight,                                       
Ron shot out from inside a hard-on.                         
                                                            
 1712 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa named Bruce,                                  
When styling his tail with some mousse,                     
Said to his master,                                         
"It'll be a disaster!                                       
I'll end up as someone's papoose!"                          
                                                            
 1713 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa named Mort                                    
His mission just wouldn't abort.                            
He managed to slip                                          
Past that resevoir tip...                                   
Now he's living on dad's child support!                     
                                                            
 1714 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatazoa called Boyce                                  
Held on grimly but hadn't a choice,                         
When a sudden explosion                                     
Sent Boyce and an ocean                                     
Of friends past the tonsils of Joyce.                       
                                                            
 1715 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



A brother to Boyce was named Bruce,                         
Who, too, tried to hold but no use;                         
The blast had such force,                                   
It knocked him off course,                                  
And sailed him through Knockatooth Loose.                   
                                                            
 1716 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



Joyce thought herself to be great,                          
At the speed with which she'd fellate.                      
A soft inner cheek,                                         
Tongue silky and sleek,                                     
Caused many to shoot and gyrate.                            
                                                            
 1717 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Nini Poo                 



A spermatozoa called Ed                                     
Quite philosophicly said,                                   
"If she's on the Pill                                       
Why is it a thrill,                                         
To get me excited in bed".                                  
                                                            
 1718 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a sperm cell named Lou,                      
Who dreamed that an egg tryst was due.                      
But his dream proved a dud,                                 
For his swinging host's pud                                 
Trysted off in the mouth of one Sue!                        
                                                            
 1719 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa called Jules,                                 
Swimming happily in a gene pool,                            
One day was projected,                                      
Much as expected,                                           
From the tool of a fool up in school.                       
                                                            
 1720 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



Some spermatozoa, they're French,                           
Were hot to get into some wench.                            
When they heard her "Oui Oui's"                             
They thought, "Where she pees?                              
Or shall we that Gallic thirst quench?"                     
                                                            
 1721 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Tutta Gioia              



"I know we're inside her twat,"                             
Said sperm number one, "It's so hot                         
And moist, juices thick..."                                 
Sperm two: "Yeah, I'm sick                                  
And tired;  and I'm feeling quite shot!"                    
                                                            
 1722 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Travis Brasell           



A spermatozoa called Thor                                   
Was received with a scream and a roar,                      
When he was ejected                                         
Somewhat unexpected,                                        
In a throat that was painful and sore.                      
                                                            
 1723 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



Two ova called Mary and Joy                                 
Were so innocent, blushing and coy,                         
That they asked Ermintrude,                                 
If she saw Dick intrude,                                    
To shout, "Spermatoazoa ahoy!"                              
                                                            
 1724 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



A spermatozoa called Boyd                                   
Was exceedingly upset and annoyed                           
To discover he'd not                                        
Been shot straight up a twat,                               
But instead into space and a void.                          
                                                            
 1725 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



For poor little Boyd with some feeling                      
Had hoped for a fate more appealing,                        
And felt he'd much rather                                   
Have been somebody's father                                 
Than glued to the ceiling, congealing.                      
                                                            
 1726 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Peter Wilkins            



Worse places there are to be flung,                         
Like stright up the chute of a bung.                        
Once mired there in muck,                                   
Then Boyd would be stuck                                    
And destined to squirt out with dung.                       
                                                            
 1727 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Goin2later               



A man from Manputo and so on,                               
Once kept a pet spermatozoon;                               
It used to swim races                                       
In feminine places --                                       
I haven't much data to go on.                               
                                                            
 1728 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      J. H. Lee                



Poor Leo, poor Jimmy, poor Lenny,                           
Were ingested, just some among many                         
In digestive juices                                         
To die. Such abuse is                                       
So common it's not worth a penny.                           
                                                            
 1729 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      John Miller              



There once was a sperm name of Leo,                         
Who longed from the balls to get free-o,                    
Yet in panic swam back,                                     
For it wasn't a crack,                                      
That led to the tummy of Cleo.                              
                                                            
 1730 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      John Miller              



Two sperms recalled tales of their past;                    
Said one, "Life's a bitch -- goes too fast!"                
"You're right," said the other,                             
"But aren't we glad, brother,                               
That we started out with a blast?"                          
                                                            
 1731 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Travis Brasell           



But now what's that sticky brown goo,                       
That's washing out both me and you.                         
I thought it a joke                                         
That they use diet coke,                                    
To clear us out; gee but it's true.                         
                                                            
 1732 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Tiddy Ogg                



And something more's happening, I note,                     
The mouth of that randy old goat                            
That dumped us in here,                                     
Is sucking us clear                                         
And we're now in the bugger's own throat.                   
                                                            
 1733 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Tiddy Ogg                



A spermatozoa called Jill                                   
Was taking it really quite ill..                            
All those macho tadpoles,                                   
Said she'd too many holes,                                  
To swim with the requisite skill.                           
                                                            
 1734 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A flow of sperm's racing along                              
Toward the head of a pumping hard dong.                     
Says a tiny weak critter,                                   
"Better stop till I'm fitter;                               
To compete now is utterly wrong."                           
                                                            
 1735 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



A spermatozoa called Paul,                                  
Was reluctant to exit the ball.                             
He knew he was right                                        
And in a great plight,                                      
When a turd came and hit him -- that's all.                 
                                                            
 1736 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A spermatozoa, (no name)                                    
Was swimming about in a dame.                               
Said he: "Tubes fallopian                                   
Are quite near utopian!                                     
A vast difference from whence I came."                      
                                                            
 1737 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



What I am called, rhymes with germ;                         
When pleasure, becomes a concern.                           
I swim in races                                             
In feminine places,                                         
My applicator resembles a worm.                             
                                                            
 1738 ANATOMY - SEXUAL - VERBAL                               



Young Michael from Sligo was glum.                          
He was fat and unfit.  Said his Mum,                        
"Here's a bike and a diet."                                 
Fat Mike said, "I'll try it!"                               
And he pedaled ten pounds off his bum!                      
                                                            
 1739 ANATOMY - THIN                 Chris Jackson            



You won't find the village of Katlas                        
In even a very large atlas.                                 
Though its men-folk are horny,                              
The girls are so scrawny,                                   
Their rear-ends remain always patless.                      
                                                            
 1740 ANATOMY - THIN                 Isaac Asimov             



The figure of lovely Miss Farrow                            
Resembles not willow but yarrow.                            
'Twould be rather a fraud                                   
If you called her a broad,                                  
For she goes with her beaux like a narrow. (an arrow?)      
                                                            
 1741 ANATOMY - THIN                                     G0327



An amorous girl from Champagne,                             
Took on a young husband to train.                           
Her joy knew no bounds,                                     
Though she lost several pounds,                             
For his hungers were just as profane.                       
                                                            
 1742 ANATOMY - THIN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



"I'm fit as a fiddle", said Pat.                            
"Now I've lost 50 kilos of fat."                            
"So I see", I said spreading                                
Her out on the bedding,                                     
And smoothing her perfectly flat.                           
                                                            
 1743 ANATOMY - THIN                 Peter Wilkins            



A skinny young frauline from Berlin,                        
Was really frustratingly thin.                              
She was nothing but hide,                                   
So just had an outside,                                     
With no place to put anything in.                           
                                                            
 1744 ANATOMY - THIN                 Pierce Evans             



As after a meal I shove in,                                 
A fancy desert of pure sin,                                 
They all say I'll pay,                                      
But so far, thin I stay --                                  
Much to my co-diners chagrin!                               
                                                            
 1745 ANATOMY - THIN                 Sue Johnson              



A cowboy can put away grub                                  
As though he were built like a tub,                         
But he's thin as a rail                                     
As he rides down the trail,                                 
And the cook is the one they call "Chub."                   
                                                            
 1746 ANATOMY - THIN                 Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There once was a young man named Jim                        
Who was exceedingly slim,                                   
That when he turned sideways                                
(Without any hideways)                                      
You could see no sign of him.                               
                                                            
 1747 ANATOMY - THIN                 Henry Mucha              



An unfit young lady called Jude,                            
Was constantly in a bad mood.                               
But for reasons of Health                                   
Which is better than wealth,                                
She now cycles and watches her food!                        
                                                            
 1748 ANATOMY - THIN                 Mrs. Maura Brennan       



His sister named Lucy O'Finner,                             
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,                        
The reason was plain,                                       
She slept out in the rain,                                  
And never was allowed any dinner.                           
                                                            
 1749 ANATOMY - THIN                 Lewis Carroll            



A zaftig young lady, Lorraine,                              
Whose surplus weight drove her insane,                      
Cut out breakfast, lunch, dinner,                           
Getting thinner and thinner,                                
Till one night she slid down the tub drain.                 
                                                            
 1750 ANATOMY - THIN                 Evelyn Bogen        P9504



Then comes this wise guy named McAdam,                      
Who complained to the sporting house Madam,                 
"It's no fun to sin                                         
With babes so damn thin,                                    
So fatten 'em, Madam, or pad 'em."                          
                                                            
 1751 ANATOMY - THIN                 Grand Prix Lim  372      



It's true that she has some dyslexia,                       
But the problem was her anorexia.                           
With no food taken in,                                      
She became ultra-thin.                                      
If she ate more, she'd be a lot sexia.                      
                                                            
 1752 ANATOMY - THIN                 Al Willis                



There was a man from Armenia                                
Who was not only thin, he was skenia                        
Than even a rail;                                           
Why, if you and some quail                                  
Were to screw, he could still fit betwenia.                 
                                                            
 1753 ANATOMY - THIN                 Norm Storer              



There was a young lady of Pinner,                           
Who could not have been any thinner.                        
If she swallowed a pip,                                     
You could follow its trip                                   
From the outside, all the way down, in her!                 
                                                            
 1754 ANATOMY - THIN                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old fellow of Clewer,                          
Whose wife was as thin as a skewer;                         
Last night, sad to say,                                     
She, at eight, "passed away,"                               
Through the bars of a drain om the sewer.                   
                                                            
 1755 ANATOMY - THIN                 L. Reed                  



If your body has just gone to seed                          
From a life of bad habits and greed,                        
Don't despair, join a gym.                                  
Eat good food.  Learn to swim.                              
Very soon you'll be fitter indeed!                          
(Eat right, exercise, die anyway - McW)                     
 1756 ANATOMY - THIN                 Claire Soper             



A dieting lass named Flynn,                                 
Reduced till she went way past thin.                        
She's no more, I'm afraid,                                  
For she sipped lemonade,                                    
And slipped down through the straw and fell in.             
                                                            
 1757 ANATOMY - THIN                                          



If your workload is making you grim,                        
Come down and work out at John's gym.                       
Don't end up a mess;                                        
Get rid of the stress;                                      
(We'll even make your notecase look slim).                  
                                                            
 1758 ANATOMY - THIN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A sneaky young lady of Lynn,                                
Was so unbelievably thin,                                   
That there was no knowing                                   
Her coming or going,                                        
And she'd never tell where she had been!                    
                                                            
 1759 ANATOMY - THIN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



After winter, I looked like a whale,                        
Gazed in stunned disbelief at my scale.                     
I dismantled the thing,                                     
Re-adjusted the spring,                                     
And now think myself thin as a rail.                        
                                                            
 1760 ANATOMY - THIN                 Wooey Legs               



A particular fellow named Slatter                           
Would never choose girls that were fatter.                  
He chose those that were thin,                              
For it went further in                                      
And it lessened the chances of splatter.                    
                                                            
 1761 ANATOMY - THIN                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2308



There's too, Alexandro Scarlatti,                           
He'd cruise round the park with Jacques Satie,              
They liked statuesque girls,                                
Not Plump Rubinesque girls...                               
They fancied them skinny not fatty.                         
                                                            
 1762 ANATOMY - THIN                                          



You could call the fellow a winner--                        
His diet: no lunch and no dinner.                           
His original weight                                         
Was three hundred and eight,                                
And now he's three hundred pounds thinner.                  
                                                            
 1763 ANATOMY - THIN                 Paul Lusch          P9405



So narrow the hip line of Dani,                             
There is no contour line to her fanny.                      
Her two hip lines are                                       
Perpendicular --                                            
A sight that is rather uncanny.                             
                                                            
 1764 ANATOMY - THIN                 Irving Superior     P8402



There was a young fellow named Last,                        
So thin that all folks were aghast.                         
He had width so concise                                     
That he had to try twice                                    
In order a shadow to cast.                                  
                                                            
 1765 ANATOMY - THIN                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2660



There was a young fellow named Slatter                      
Who only liked girls that were fatter.                      
It seemed those that were thin                              
Were not likely to sin,                                     
And for him they had far too much chatter.                  
                                                            
 1766 ANATOMY - THIN                 Albin Chaplin            



I've lost about 65 pounds                                   
Which has greatly diminished my mounds;                     
I once was a fatty,                                         
But now I'm a flatty!                                       
Hubby wants a divorce!  Is this grounds?                    
                                                            
 1767 ANATOMY - THIN                 Robin K. Willoughby P8402



A wicked old fellow named Jones                             
Would ring people up on their phones,                       
And suggest with a grin:                                    
"Let us take off our skin,                                  
And converse on our phones in our bones."                   
                                                            
 1768 ANATOMY - THIN                 Cybergeezer              



There once was a maiden from Lynn,                          
Who was so exceedingly thin,                                
When she swallowed the pit                                  
Of an olive -- "Oh Shit,"                                   
Said her boyfriend -- "She's pregnant again."               
                                                            
 1769 ANATOMY - THIN                 Ed Potts            P8507



There was a young maid from Bezique,                        
Exceedingly skinny and weak;                                
But her face turned quite red,                              
When her friend one day said,                               
"What you need is a real good physique."                    
                                                            
 1770 ANATOMY - THIN                                          



Now I like 'em thin as a rail,                              
'Cause whenever I insert my nail,                           
As I carefully hump,                                        
I can feel every bump                                       
In their spine, where it leads to their tail.               
                                                            
 1771 ANATOMY - THIN                                          



Young April was very upset;                                 
Over her size she did fret.                                 
Incredibly slender,                                         
She'd snap if you'd bend her;                               
Ran about in the shower to get wet.                         
                                                            
 1772 ANATOMY - THIN                 Jayne                    



A wiry young athlete named Jim                              
Always runs very hard, full of vim,                         
Not to mention the vigor,                                   
But his poor little figure                                  
Is so terribly thin 'round the rim.                         
                                                            
 1773 ANATOMY - THIN                 Dick Hedger              



Skinny  Alice, a toothpick, (don't laugh);                  
Had a neck kind of like a giraffe;                          
In the bath tub she splashed,                               
Feeling quite unabashed;                                    
Of her fate, didn't know even half!                         
                                                            
 1774 ANATOMY - THIN                 Allen Wolverton          



Her room-mate's advice she did shrug;                       
Should have got out 'fore pulling  the plug;                
Oh, my word!  Oh, my soul!                                  
Now she's slipped down the hole!                            
Poor old Alice has gone (gurgle, glug!)                     
                                                            
 1775 ANATOMY - THIN                                          



Pretty Mary was so very fat                                 
That she seldom went outside her flat.                      
Then friends got her prancing                               
With diet and dancing,                                      
Now she's slim, trim, and married to Pat!                   
                                                            
 1776 ANATOMY - THIN                 Mrs. F. Scott            



There was a young man of Kings Lynn                         
Who was so exceedingly thin,                                
That when he essayed                                        
Making love to a maid,                                      
He slipped on the mat and fell in!                          
                                                            
 1777 ANATOMY - THIN                 Peggy Miles              



There once was a girl so skinny,                            
She wore a size 5 bikini.                                   
In one smaller and newer,                                   
She slipped into the sewer                                  
In St. Paul and came up in New Guinea.                      
                                                            
 1778 ANATOMY - THIN                 Maxine Spitzler     P9404



A new era now, Eric he faces;                               
Toward middle-life crisis he races.                         
But he might find his waist                                 
(In its narrow case),                                       
With his broad mind, swapping places.                       
                                                            
 1779 ANATOMY - THIN                 Friar               T9801



There was an old man of Berlin                              
Whose form was uncommonly thin;                             
Till once by mistake,                                       
He was baked in a cake.                                     
"Tit for Tat!", said the rabbit (with grin).                
                                                            
 1780 ANATOMY - THIN                 Edwardian Leer 044  P9306



A lot of what's thought of as TONY                          
Is just a bit pile of baloney.                              
Like it's a great sin                                       
Not to be quite thin,                                       
But to me, those girls are just bony.                       
                                                            
 1781 ANATOMY - THIN                 Norm Brust               



To settle your keen curiosity,                              
My metabolism has a velocity,                               
That allows me to wear,                                     
A small size without care --                                
Some think this an unjust atrocity.                         
                                                            
 1782 ANATOMY - THIN                 Sue Johnson              



There was a young lady named Green,                         
Who grew so abnormally lean,                                
And flat, and compressed,                                   
That her back touched her chest,                            
And sideways, she couldn't be seen.                         
                                                            
 1783 ANATOMY - THIN                                          



If you're flabby where once you were trim,                  
You don't need an elaborate gym.                            
Eat foods that go crunch;                                   
Take a walk after lunch.                                    
That's the road back to vigor and vim.                      
                                                            
 1784 ANATOMY - THIN                 Rita Normanly            



There was a young lady so thin,                             
That she closely resembled a pin.                           
Don't think that I'd creep                                  
To the window and peep.                                     
I was told by a friend who looked in.                       
                                                            
 1785 ANATOMY - THIN                 G. Burgess               



There was a young lady named Minna                          
Whose boyfriend took her out for dinner.                    
She said she's concealing                                   
What she's really feeling,                                  
Which was not to get fat, but get thinner.                  
                                                            
 1786 ANATOMY - THIN                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A seven-foot fellow named Gwynn                             
Was quite excruciatingly thin.                              
He weighed only six stones,                                 
So when walking, his bones                                  
Could be heard rattling round in his skin.                  
                                                            
 1787 ANATOMY - THIN                 Lims for Erudite    P0302



A seven-foot fellow named Gwynn                             
Was quite excruciatingly thin.                              
He weighed thirteen hundred ounces,                         
So his bones when he bounces,                               
Can be heard rattling round in his skin.                    
                                                            
 1788 ANATOMY - THIN                 Arthur Deex         P0302



A seven-foot fellow named Gwynn                             
Was quite excruciatingly thin.                              
He weighed two point six slugs,                             
So his bones when he shrugs,                                
Can be heard rattling round in his skin.                    
                                                            
 1789 ANATOMY - THIN                 Arthur Deex         P0302



A seven-foot fellow named Gwynn                             
Was quite excruciatingly thin.                              
He weighed point oh two tons,                               
So his bones when he runs,                                  
Can be heard rattling round in his skin.                    
                                                            
 1790 ANATOMY - THIN                 Arthur Deex         P0302



There was once a model named Lynn,                          
Who yearned to be exceedingly thin.                         
Diet pills that she took                                    
Gave her a new look;                                        
Now her widest part is her grin.                            
                                                            
 1791 ANATOMY - THIN                 Edwin J Weinstein        



Gentlemen, say hi to Tina                                   
And her equally lovely twin Wina.                           
I'd like to announce                                        
That they both like to pounce                               
On a sufficiently large enough weiner.                      
                                                            
 1792 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Girls, no need to fight over me                             
There's plenty for all, you'll see                          
I'll suck and I'll lick                                     
You'll both feel my dick;                                   
Your screams will be loud as can be!                        
                                                            
 1793 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



"Go on then, and laugh at my bird!                          
You'll see what you're missing. When stirred,               
It does quite obtrude -                                     
And, see? It's tattoo'd -                                   
Says: Tidwell J. Cummings, the Third."                      
                                                            
 1794 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



"Now that's great!" "Have a taste of my clit,               
And our Jane here is trying to fit                          
Your huge shiny pecker                                      
In her hole. While you whack'er,                            
Licking me, you can fondle my tit..."                       
                                                            
 1795 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Ericka, my travelling lass,                                 
I've left the twins; I'm chasing ass.                       
But they are not alone,                                     
There is help left at home --                               
Damien, baby sitter with class!                             
                                                            
 1796 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



A helpful young lad he's become;                            
Quite fond of the twins, that's our son                     
And our daughter most dear.                                 
He said, "Never fear."                                      
He sounds so much better than some.                         
                                                            
 1797 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Now here is a thought on your twins:                        
Never add to the heap of your sins,                         
By bringing them here                                       
To the North hemisphere,                                    
Or your Deasil becomes Widdershins.                         
                                                            
 1798 ANATOMY - TWINS                Ulla                     



Something quite odd, I did see;                             
Someone who looked just like me.                            
His glasses, and hair,                                      
And the beer-gut, I swear,                                  
Two peas in a pod, we could be.                             
                                                            
 1799 ANATOMY - TWINS                Peter Wilkins            



Face to face with him, I wanna meet.                        
Maybe next time we pass in the street,                      
Could he be my double?                                      
Same face, including stubble,                               
I wonder if his name is also Pete?                          
                                                            
 1800 ANATOMY - TWINS                Peter Wilkins            



What Mandy will do for a brandy,                            
Is ring up her twin sister Sandy,                           
For a lickety-split                                         
Doubling of clit,                                           
And quadrupling of tit that's just dandy.                   
                                                            
 1801 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



"Twin boys!" said the doctor with glee;                     
The fisherman's wife paid his fee,                          
And bade him good night,                                    
And loved her sons right,                                   
And raised them up down by the sea.                         
                                                            
 1802 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



The fisherman's job kept him o'er                           
The seas, far away from home's door.                        
The twins often stood                                       
As still as dead wood --                                    
One facing the sea; one, the shore.                         
                                                            
 1803 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Their nicknames were Towards and Away                       
'Cause that's how they stood day by day.                    
And when they were ten,                                     
They turned fisher-men,                                     
And seldom at home did they stay.                           
                                                            
 1804 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Their mother was lonely and blue,                           
But one day, a moment to rue,                               
Dad sailed in the fiord                                     
With sons not on board,                                     
And cried, "Towards is dead! This is true!"                 
                                                            
 1805 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



"A huge coelacanth, in the night,                           
Attacked us, attracted by light.                            
The twins were on deck.                                     
This monster from Heck,                                     
Jumped up and ate Towards in one bite!"                     
                                                            
 1806 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



The mom cried "My other! O.K.?!"                            
The fisherman said, "What a day!                            
We caught that first fish,                                  
But Jesus, I wish                                           
You'd seen the one that got Away!"                          
                                                            
 1807 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



My first was a virgin called Marie,                         
Delightful and as innocent as can be.                       
And a teaser of cocks;                                      
But I soon got my rocks                                     
With her and twin sister Danni.                             
                                                            
 1808 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Are Christopher Robin and Alice                             
Incestuous twins?  Well, the callous                        
On Alice's snatch                                           
Indisputably match-                                         
Es the callous on Christopher's phallus.                    
                                                            
 1809 ANATOMY - TWINS                Peter Wilkins            



To her Mama, a chippy in Keyes                              
Said, "I'll take all the lays that I please!"               
Then to pay for her sins,                                   
She had interlocked twins,                                  
And Man, did those bastards squeeze!                        
                                                            
 1810 ANATOMY - TWINS                Grand Prix Lim  969      



Once two brothers were born;                                
Identical twins it was sworn.                               
Their mother enthralled                                     
Named them Juan & Amal,                                     
And this is where Mom starts to mourn.                      
                                                            
 1811 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Because mom was real poor, you see;                         
Couldn't really afford family;                              
So she gave them away,                                      
And to God she did pray                                     
That one day she'd find them, was her plea.                 
                                                            
 1812 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



Well, a glorious day did arrive;                            
It turns out her boys are alive!                            
Separated at adoption,                                      
They'd never the option                                     
To see the mom they'd been deprived.                        
                                                            
 1813 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



They decided to meet in the mall,                           
But then the mom started to bawl!                           
For only Juan came,                                         
Oh what a shame.                                            
But if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.                  
                                                            
 1814 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



I feel this depression -- post partum;                      
I've twins and I have to outsmart 'em;                      
I loathe them -- what if                                    
They fell off a cliff?                                      
It wouldn't take much just to start 'em.                    
                                                            
 1815 ANATOMY - TWINS                Armand E Singer       729



You were asking for girlies, dear sir.                      
We were wondering, did it occur                             
To you, that with us                                        
You'd have double fun, thus                                 
For stiff members, too, twice the care!                     
                                                            
 1816 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



To your mast we could cling to in storms,                   
Our abilities are beyond norms!                             
If the sea rages high                                       
We shall grip with our thigh                                
And 'gainst cold, got a sip that will warm!                 
                                                            
 1817 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



When twins get their teeth they are bitey,                  
And toys will make both of them fighty.                     
So I keep them locked up;                                   
In the attic they sup.                                      
They're quiet and so pale and so whitey.                    
                                                            
 1818 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



There once was this derelict, see,                          
Claimed he was a double of me.                              
I know I'm unique,                                          
So this guy I seek.                                         
I just don't know how it can be.                            
                                                            
 1819 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



I'm looking, some trouble to brew,                          
But can't seem to find him, boo hoo.                        
Cocking a rheumy eye,                                       
I can hear you reply,                                       
"Let's 's see, are 'e double you?"                          
                                                            
 1820 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



On top of Maude's spread-legged thighs                      
The village's prime lecher lies;                            
It started with flirting                                    
But now he's inserting                                      
His dingus clear up to her eyes.                            
                                                            
 1821 ANATOMY - TWINS                Armand Singer            



From out of this romp in the hay,                           
Come twinlets to enter the fray;                            
His wife will divorce him,                                  
And Maude promptly will force him                           
To fork over most of his pay.                               
                                                            
 1822 ANATOMY - TWINS                Armand Singer            



The moral's not hard to discern:                            
Unless you have money to burn,                              
Don't unzip your pants                                      
For instant romance --                                      
Those Clinton types just never learn.                       
                                                            
 1823 ANATOMY - TWINS                Armand Singer            



There once was a woman named Roxy,                          
Who lived in the south of Biloxi;                           
An unusual twin,                                            
She was ugly as sin,                                        
While her sister was gorgeous and foxy.                     
                                                            
 1824 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



There once was a young girl named Lynn                      
Who was fighting with her sister, Gwynn.                    
She said, very smugly,                                      
"I think that you're ugly,"                                 
Forgetting that she was a twin.                             
                                                            
 1825 ANATOMY - TWINS                Ron Sartain              



A mother gave birth to a crowd!                             
Quadruplets, of which she is proud!                         
Bottle and diaper,                                          
Makes a Mom hyper;                                          
Multiply that, four crying out loud!                        
                                                            
 1826 ANATOMY - TWINS                Observer                 



A foolish young goon named McMinns                          
One day tried to satisfy twins...                           
"It's a damn hopeless job,                                  
Cried the goon with a sob,                                  
"When one quits, then the other begins."                    
                                                            
 1827 ANATOMY - TWINS                Grand Prix Lim   23      



Identical twins in black dress --                           
Said one to the other, "Confess!                            
You've been fooling about                                   
With my lover, no doubt,                                    
For the stains on your dress are a mess!                    
                                                            
 1828 ANATOMY - TWINS                Peter Wilkins            



Admit it's my lover; it is-                                 
n't your man; he just dribbles and fizz-                    
es; but mine, you old bag,                                  
Is a hell of a shag;                                        
When he comes, he squirts gallons of jizz.                  
                                                            
 1829 ANATOMY - TWINS                Peter Wilkins            



The vicar said, "Twins! Not again!                          
Do you always have twins, Mrs. Penn?"                       
"Oh no, lots of times                                       
When Raplh rings my chimes                                  
We get nothing at all....Oh amen!!"                         
                                                            
 1830 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



A woman had three sets of twins,                            
A God-sent subject for lims.                                
Such utility;                                               
No added fertility.                                         
One wonders just how she begins.                            
                                                            
 1831 ANATOMY - TWINS                Tony Burrell             



"Twins again," the vicar did state.                         
"You really should incorporate                              
A little control                                            
Over hubby's tadpole;                                       
This set brings the total to eight!                         
                                                            
 1832 ANATOMY - TWINS                                         



A woman from sweet Donegal                                  
Had triplets almost each fall.                              
She was asked how and wherefore?                            
Said: "Sure, that's what we're here for,                    
But betimes we got nothing at all."                         
                                                            
 1833 ANATOMY - TWINS                Linda Marsh Coll         



A newspaper in Dallas relates.                              
That some premature triplets named Bates,                   
Moved into new quarters.                                    
So said the reporters:                                      
"The were weary of being womb-mates!"                       
                                                            
 1834 ANATOMY - TWINS                Observer                 



I recall a hot lass of Key West                             
Who did all that she wanted, with zest,                     
And when progeny came,                                      
That remarkable dame                                        
Had quadruplets, i.e. two abreast.                          
                                                            
 1835 ANATOMY - TWINS                Keith MacMillan     A035B



When asked why he's married to twins,                       
Gig wiggles his ears and just grins.                        
The question that vexes                                     
Is, when the guy sexes,                                     
With which one of the twins he begins.                      
                                                            
 1836 ANATOMY - TWINS                Grand Prix Lim  617      



A Siamese twin named Carruther                              
Said, "For me, there'll not be another.                     
Though I'm not condemnin'                                   
The world's pretty women,                                   
In truth, I'm attached to my brother!"                      
                                                            
 1837 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Observer                 



"Togetherness happiness wins,                               
For that's where a family begins --                         
By being together                                           
In all kinds of weather."                                   
A quote from the Siamese twins.                             
                                                            
 1838 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Irving Superior     P0800



Said a Siamsse Twin , "Don't you see,                       
Sister dear, how embarrased we'll be                        
When I'm married and you                                    
Have a much better view,                                    
Than either my husband or me".                              
                                                            
 1839 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE                               



I once met a boy in a bubble;                               
He said there was really no trouble                         
Gaining sexual bliss,                                       
Since his pretty twin sis                                   
Was conjoined at the hip; fun was double.                   
                                                            
 1840 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Brian Belge              



One Siamese mathematician,                                  
To the other, during coition:                               
"That's not Euclidean,                                      
That's MY clit he's in;                                     
You've fucked yourself cross-eyed again!"                   
                                                            
 1841 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Jim Weaver Collection    



Are Siamese twins very coy?                                 
I wonder if both heads pant joy,                            
Of if one chews gum,                                        
While waiting to come,                                      
Or uses the old "headache" ploy.                            
                                                            
 1842 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Chris Papa               



Said a Siamese twin named Jake,                             
To the judge, "Aw, give me a break!                         
My glasses were smudged,                                    
I simply misjudged,                                         
And shot my brother by mistake!"                            
                                                            
 1843 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Observer                 



The dual trunked girls Siamese                              
Will share their hip-down expertise,                        
And offer the chance                                        
To him who would dance                                      
The most legal of bigamies.                                 
                                                            
 1844 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Daniel Ford              



There once were some twins Siamese,                         
Quite proficient at chopping down trees;                    
With a two-bladed axe,                                      
They would alternate whacks                                 
And fell giant redwoods with ease.                          
                                                            
 1845 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Rowdy Jack               



A young man so brainy, named Dwight,                        
Wed the Siamese twin on the right.                          
To satisfy his whims,                                       
He had choice of quims.                                     
They had a menage a trois every night.                      
                                                            
 1846 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Thomas M. Patton    P9712



Pushme-pullyou went out on the shag;                        
Pullyou-Pushme behind had to lag.                           
Said, "There's nothing much worse                           
Than being pulled in reverse;                               
This Siamese Twin thing's a drag"                           
                                                            
 1847 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE                               



I boffed both Marie and Louise,                             
Who it happens are twins -- Siamese!                        
'Twasn't much of a stunt                                    
'Cause they share the same cunt,                            
Which made it all go like a breeze.                         
                                                            
 1848 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE                               



A conjoined pair SIAMESE,                                   
Decided each other to tease.                                
And with morals loose,                                      
Decided to goose,                                           
Or shared pair of buttocks to squeeze.                      
                                                            
 1849 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Chris Papa               



An attached Siamese twin from St. Paul,                     
Was banging his sister last fall.                           
"Now that we've grown up",                                  
He said with his bone up,                                   
"It's not a bad life after all."                            
                                                            
 1850 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE                               



The Siamese twins, three girls date,                        
But not that they're insatiate.                             
They found that two                                         
Was one too few.                                            
They need the third to orchestrate.                         
                                                            
 1851 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Irving Superior     P8711



An odd sight to see on the street                           
Were twins Siamese, joined at the feet.                     
When seen toe to toe,                                       
Those who didn't know,                                      
Thought their fighting was quite indiscrete.                
                                                            
 1852 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Gearhart                 



I knew these two twins, Siamese,                            
Who were subtley linked at the knees,                       
Till the other day                                          
Emma flew away,                                             
Sent airborne by Martha's great sneeze.                     
                                                            
 1853 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Gearhart                 



I once knew these twins Siamese                             
Who were always quite easy to please.                       
For I have two cocks                                        
And quadruple rocks;                                        
They said I was just the bee's knees.                       
                                                            
 1854 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      OgniGioia                



Another Siamese twin set                                    
Liked to play hard to get.                                  
They were joined at the hips                                
And had two sets of lips                                    
But no man's come between the two yet.                      
                                                            
 1855 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Gearhart                 



The final group of twins                                    
Always brings me grins.                                     
When one is full,                                           
The others hole                                             
Can always fit me in!                                       
                                                            
 1856 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Gearhart                 



I dated some twins, one named Dinah,                        
The other was called Evelina.                               
Conjoined at the clit,                                      
They cared not a whit;                                      
'Twas up to you, either vagina.                             
                                                            
 1857 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      OgniGioia                



From the sideshow a fellow named Joe,                       
Dated Siamese twins, Dot and Flo.                           
"Anything to relate?                                        
Did you have a good date?"                                  
He replied with a shrug, "Yes and No!"                      
                                                            
 1858 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Clarence E. Boyle   P8711



Another set of twins that I knew                            
Died from the Hong Kong flu.                                
They were joined back to back,                              
And their ass had no crack.                                 
They filled up with shit and then blew.                     
                                                            
 1859 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Gearhart                 



Siamese Twins, how do they pee?                             
Standing up? Sitting down? You tell me!                     
And when one has to shit,                                   
Does the other do it?                                       
They must have a two-holer or three.                        
                                                            
 1860 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Cheryl              T9712



And what about when they do mate?                           
When one's bonking, the other must wait?                    
What's he do? Read a book?                                  
Or does he sneak a look?                                    
Or do it in tandem, duplicate?                              
                                                            
 1861 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Cheryl              T9712



Those original twins, Eng and Chang,                        
Although they were Thai, still did bang                     
Away at the dames;                                          
Got kids to their names,                                    
And praises of gang bangs they sang.                        
                                                            
 1862 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Jeanie                   



To do it with them might be nice;                           
A girl could get off on them twice.                         
From one to the other,                                      
Just brother to brother,                                    
Seems to me to be redundant vice.                           
                                                            
 1863 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE      Jeanie                   



There once were two Siamese twins                           
Who, though plural, had singular sins.                      
One preferred buggery,                                      
The other, skulduggery,                                     
Which involved fucking both "widdershins!"                  
(widdershins - left-handed or counter-clockwise)            
 1864 ANATOMY - TWINS - SIAMESE                          L1648



Was your birth when your poor papa snapped,                 
As your ma wept and begged to be slapped.                   
Said the doc, "Never heard                                  
Of a similar turd,                                          
Like the one that this woman has crapped."                  
                                                            
 1865 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



As a beauty I'm not a great star,                           
There are others more handsome by far.                      
But my face, I don't mind it,                               
Because I'm behind it,                                      
'Tis the folks in the front that I jar.                     
                                                            
 1866 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Anthony Euwer            



There once was a man named Clagg,                           
Who fell in love with a hag.                                
When someone ask why,                                       
He looked at his fly,                                       
Said "It's better than being a fag."                        
                                                            
 1867 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Sam Morrison             



There was a queer fellow of Perth                           
Whose antics romantic caused mirth;                         
For he only disported                                       
With young ladies distorted,                                
With unfortunate defects from birth.                        
                                                            
 1868 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0742



A handsome young fellow named Glover                        
An ugly old hag did discover.                               
Though this girl was a horror                               
He did love and adore her --                                
He did not judge a book by its cover.                       
                                                            
 1869 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2594



Two floozies performing dumb skits:                         
Elizabeth's broad where she sits;                           
She's ugly as sin                                           
From her hair to her chin,                                  
And Kathryn ain't got any tits.                             
                                                            
 1870 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



Does she have a zit on her nose?                            
The hair on her chin always grows.                          
Her chest is quite flat,                                    
(You already knew that)                                     
No worse that the mold on her toes.                         
                                                            
 1871 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Pilar                    



There was an old lady of Vista,                             
Who vowed that no man ever kissed her.                      
But her chin and her nose,                                  
Grew together so close--                                    
That if anyone tried, he'd have missed her.                 
                                                            
 1872 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



There once was a big block called Blocker                   
Who rooted a girl with big knockers.                        
When his mates saw the dragon                               
That he had been shaggin',                                  
They said, "Blocker, your chocking a shocker!"              
                                                            
 1873 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Andy Oz                  



I awakened at the crack of Dawn;                            
Turned over and saw this Dawn yawn.                         
What was I thinking;                                        
I have to quit drinking.                                    
She's so ugly, I'll go mow the lawn!                        
                                                            
 1874 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Travis Brasel            



Upstairs to the bedroom she led;                            
Please wait till I'm ready," she said,                      
With a wink and a smile.                                    
So he waited awhile                                         
And imagined her giving him head.                           
                                                            
 1875 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Peter Wilkins            



Inside, she removed her false tits;                         
Took her teeth out and then came the blitz.                 
On the bed in the nude,                                     
She went wild and unscrewed                                 
All her fake and replacable bits.                           
                                                            
 1876 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Peter Wilkins            



"I'm ready; come in now!" she said;                         
So he did and went straight to the bed.                     
"But where are you," he cried;                              
Pulled the duvet aside                                      
To find what was left was her head.                         
                                                            
 1877 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Peter Wilkins            



"But where is the rest of you, Miss?"                       
"On the floor," said the head with a hiss.                  
"Though unscrewing is fine,                                 
I find screwing divine;                                     
Here's the screwdriver.  Screw me!  It's bliss.             
                                                            
 1878 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young couple named Newsome,                     
Who looked like a well-balanced twosome.                    
They were peas in a pod,                                    
But the thing that was odd                                  
Was that each thought the other was gruesome.               
                                                            
 1879 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2729



An unfortunate fellow named Greg,                           
His head was the shape of an egg;                           
His hiney was bumpy,                                        
His face was all lumpy,                                     
His dick was a square little peg.                           
                                                            
 1880 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Cap'n Bean          P0309



A lovely young girl is Lenore, so                           
Exquisite her thighs and her torso;                         
At least from the back                                      
For alas and alack,                                         
She's a face like a horse, only more so.                    
                                                            
 1881 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



The light flashes and there's a hum.                        
They poor copy-maker is glum.                               
He came to this place                                       
To copy his face --                                         
The copies look just like his bum.                          
                                                            
 1882 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Marlene Lewis            



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who's visage is hard to suppose,                            
And the fact that her hair,                                 
Is not even there,                                          
Is as plain as the face on her nose.                        
                                                            
 1883 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Margaret A. Murdock P8303



It is said a young man full of grog,                        
Once decided he fancied a snog.                             
At the end of the night,                                    
In the bright morning light,                                
He discovered the girl was a dog.                           
                                                            
 1884 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a slovenly slattern from Natchez                    
And she wears filthy rags full of patches;                  
You may think me too picky,                                 
But her nose sports a hickey,                               
Plus her hair's falling out in big batches.                 
                                                            
 1885 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Armand E Singer          



The Pig lies in blankets of roses,                          
For the good of my friends and their noses.                 
If the covers were doffed,                                  
Then her odor would waft,                                   
Making ill, like her hideous poses.                         
                                                            
 1886 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



"My face hurts," I started to cuss.                         
I'll admit I caused quite a fuss.                           
My brother, so kind,                                        
Said, "We are not blind,                                    
Imagine how much it hurts us!"                              
                                                            
 1887 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



There was an old lady named Clarke,                         
Who didn't look bad in the dark.                            
In the first mists of dawn,                                 
She looked haggard and wan.                                 
In the full light of day, she looked -- stark!              
                                                            
 1888 ANATOMY - UGLY                 John Ciardi              



"Don't mind if her looks are quite dire,"                   
Said my dad, and he is no liar.                             
"Just grab at this handle:                                  
Don't look at the mantle-                                   
Piece when you are stoking the fire.                        
                                                            
 1889 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Tiddy                    



No one says to me, "Babe, let's get snuggly,"               
When they take a look at my mug.  "Lea-                     
ve me be!" they all yell;                                   
My life is pure hell                                        
'Cause I suffer from terminal Ugly.                         
                                                            
 1890 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Robin K. Willoughby P8512



A wonderful cook is young Betty,                            
Preparing delicious spaghetti                               
And chicken Madras.                                         
I could go for the lass                                     
If she didn't resemble a yeti.                              
                                                            
 1891 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Peter Wilkins            



Last night I went out on a date;                            
The picture they showed me looked great.                    
The portait they showed                                     
Was not of the toad                                         
I ended up with, through my fate.                           
                                                            
 1892 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Gearhart                 



Remarkably, she could be famous                             
For looking so horribly heinous.                            
You want to see                                             
What she looked like to me?                                 
Bend over and look at Uranus.                               
                                                            
 1893 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Gearhart                 



She wanted to be his main squeeze.                          
She went as far as to ask, "Please?"                        
He said, "There's no way,                                   
You're too ugly today.                                      
Tomorrow you'll look like green cheese."                    
                                                            
 1894 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Marlene                  



When I saw Patsy first from the cab,                        
She appeared nothing other than drab;                       
But the distance deceived,                                  
For I quickly perceived                                     
That close up, she look like a crab.                        
                                                            
 1895 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Beelzebub          TP9802



As ugly as you ever saw;                                    
An odor that sticks in your craw;                           
Short, fat and dumpy,                                       
All hairy and lumpy --                                      
I still love my mother-in-law.                              
                                                            
 1896 ANATOMY - UGLY                 John Miller              



Her tits were beyond all compare;                           
Soft and fragrant, her brown pubic hair.                    
In fact she was sweet                                       
Right down to her feet,                                     
But her face was a real nightmare.                          
                                                            
 1897 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Mike Perry               



I enjoyed all her feminine graces.                          
We did it in all sorts of places.                           
You'll miss out on a lot                                    
Of mighty fine twat,                                        
If you go through this life fucking faces.                  
                                                            
 1898 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Mike Perry               



Doggie style, sans light, paper bag;                        
My eyes shut tight while we shag.                           
In fear of a glance                                         
Sure to offend my lance,                                    
And replace my groan with a gag.                            
                                                            
 1899 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Mike Perry               



Her teeth are like corn too long cooking;                   
Big nose fit for overnight booking;                         
She may look like Rover,                                    
But when she bends over,                                    
She really ain't all that bad looking.                      
                                                            
 1900 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A scenery painter from Spain,                               
While painting the Spanish terrain,                         
As he wandered around,                                      
He surprisingly found                                       
That the rain mainly fell on the plain.                     
                                                            
 1901 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Cap'n Bean               



A homely old woman named Jane                               
Was hired by a farmer in Spain                              
To stand in his field,                                      
When research revealed                                      
That rain mainly falls on the plain.                        
                                                            
 1902 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Cybergeezer              



There was a young lady named Jen                            
Who thought she was a perfect ten.                          
I told her with tact,                                       
She needs to subtract,                                      
A seven and figure again.                                   
                                                            
 1903 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Eric Perlin              



To curtail the sex life of the fly,                         
Is the work of the smart, ugly Miss Fry.                    
She said, "Sex in Mankind                                   
Is the same, I've opined,                                   
But males, the MAN kind, pass me by."                       
                                                            
 1904 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Grand Prix Lim  775      



Eccentric; a tiny bit dotty                                 
And physiognomically spotty;                                
Her face like a bag                                         
Of old spanners, the hag                                    
Is, however, desirable totty.                               
                                                            
 1905 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



Her father's a billionaire;                                 
She'll inherit it all, I declare.                           
But she'll give it away                                     
For a roll in the hay,                                      
She's so desperate to have an affair.                       
                                                            
 1906 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



Many women have gone just like this                         
In order to obtain that great bliss.                        
A cucumber's too narrow                                     
So they move onto a marrow,                                 
And their hole, well let's call it "abyss"                  
                                                            
 1907 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



I remember that night in the sty,                           
And the whack on your ass so you'd cry.                     
But which end to strike?                                    
Both ends look alike!                                       
"She's the road-apple of daddy's eye."                      
                                                            
 1908 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



There was a young woman named Cholmondley                   
Who mused to herself rather glumly,                         
"Were it not for my squint                                  
And my rubicund tint,                                       
I might be considered quite comely."                        
(rubicund - inclining to redness)                           
 1909 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



Cosmetically, Lill of Kilquade,                             
Had beauty that never would fade.                           
When tanned by the sun,                                     
She looked twenty-one,                                      
But she seemed fifty-six in the shade.                      
                                                            
 1910 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



A pretty young lass from Kilquane                           
While walking, was caught in the rain.                      
She ran -- almost flew.                                     
Her complexion did too!                                     
And she reached home exceedingly plain.                     
                                                            
 1911 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Linda Marsh Coll         



Remember my girlfriend; the bag                             
That I sold to old Mustapha Shag                            
In exchange for a dozen                                     
Old camels? His cousin                                      
Has gone and returned the old slag.                         
                                                            
 1912 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



I said, "Thank you, but no thank you, mate;                 
For I much prefer camels to date.                           
Though they're smelly and grumpy,                           
They're better for rumpy                                    
And pumpy, I have to relate."                               
                                                            
 1913 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



"Oh friend, I must beg of you, please                       
Take her back; here's a thousand rupees."                   
I said, "No." He said, "Ten                                 
Thousand Japanese yen?"                                     
I said, "Never; now get off your knees."                    
                                                            
 1914 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



"Well, this is my very last offer;                          
Ten million dollars I proffer",                             
Said Abdul al Shag,                                         
"In exchange for this slag                                  
Who refused to let Mustapha boff 'er."                      
                                                            
 1915 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



I thought for a minute and said,                            
"It's a deal; take her round to the shed.                   
Now hand over the dough;                                    
Take these camels and go."                                  
And he wished me "Salaam" as he fled.                       
                                                            
 1916 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



Now the money I'm willing to share;                         
Fifty-fifty with any who dare                               
To go into the shed;                                        
Take my girlfriend to bed;                                  
But just get her right out of my hair.                      
                                                            
 1917 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



There was a young lady called Myrtle,                       
Whose features resembled a turtle;                          
The reason no lover                                         
Did ever discover                                           
If Myrtle the turtle, was fertile.                          
                                                            
 1918 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



There are some girls boys think are real hot,               
And others that certainly are not --                        
On these latter charts                                      
And the last to break hearts                                
Are the Lee sisters -- Ug, Home, and Mot                    
                                                            
 1919 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Bob Giandomenico    P8811



A lass from the Isle of Tiree,                              
So plain she caused others to flee;                         
Not pretty at all,                                          
She'd had a bad fall                                        
From the top of the old ugly tree.                          
(and hit all the branches on the way down)                  
 1920 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Jayne                    



I'm meetin' my swamp gal at dusk;                           
Sniffing cunt, such sweet, sultry musk;                     
Don't look at her face!                                     
Few teeth are in place!                                     
What gets you's that one yellow tusk!                       
                                                            
 1921 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



No veggies or fruits due to drouth,                         
She lost most the teeth in her mouth.                       
She has two to bite;                                        
They are quite a sight;                                     
One points north the other one south.                       
                                                            
 1922 ANATOMY - UGLY                                          



My love's unrequited with me.                               
I look in the mirror and see                                
The horrible fact--                                         
The mirror's not cracked.                                   
I wonder whose face that could be.                          
                                                            
 1923 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Irving Superior     P9307



If you want a trouble free life,                            
Uncluttered by feminine strife,                             
With one who'll not stray                                   
And loves to obey,                                          
Then find yourself an ugly wife.                            
                                                            
 1924 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Duke Dillon              



My new bride's a pug-ugly Mary,                             
Incredibly deep-voiced and hairy;                           
Moustache, facial warts,                                    
She brays when she snorts;                                  
When drunk and on top. Bloody scary!                        
                                                            
 1925 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Duke Dillon              



When well-trained your own gruesom witch                    
Means life should proceed without hitch,                    
Or sordid divorce.                                          
It does help of course,                                     
If like mine, she is stinking rich!                         
                                                            
 1926 ANATOMY - UGLY                 Duke Dillon              



A wasted old wench named O'Daniel,                          
Must settle for sex from a manual;                          
With shanks sadly scraggy,                                  
A butt badly baggy,                                         
And paps like the ears of a spaniel.                        
                                                            
 1927 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY          Bob Giandomenico    P0001



I know of an old man in Sutton                              
Who has a deformed belly button.                            
Its all red and gore                                        
And terribly sore,                                          
And it looks like a lump of raw mutton.                     
                                                            
 1928 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY                                   



The girl that was dated by Kelly                            
Was repugnant, misshapen and smelly.                        
But in spite of her flaws,                                  
It was not a lost cause,                                    
For he played with the bulge on her belly.                  
                                                            
 1929 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY          Albin Chaplin   3024-1873



There was an old prune named Ginty,                         
Who only ate muffins and thin tea.                          
Thinking of sex                                             
Gave her the blecchs,                                       
And left her dried up and squinty.                          
                                                            
 1930 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY          Jim Weaver Collection    



Her sister was Miss Betty Lou                               
Also quite good for a screw;                                
Clothed in a gunny sack                                     
With only her crack                                         
Exposed -- what a terrible view!                            
                                                            
 1931 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY          Arden                    



There's a nearsighted lover named Gump                      
Who was fondling a warm massive bump                        
Beneath his date's neck                                     
But little did reck                                         
What he though was a tit was her hump.                      
                                                            
 1932 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY          Armand E Singer       930



There was a young girl of Purdue                            
Who covered her pussy with glue.                            
She was minus one tit,                                      
And stunk like shit--                                       
I wouldn't fuck her: would you?                             
                                                            
 1933 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY                              G2464



Said a friend to old hooker Moore,                          
"Goddammit, you dumb ugly whore!                            
I hate to be crass,                                         
But Good God! Your ass                                      
Makes all the guy's eyes quite sore!                        
                                                            
 1934 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY          Dan Thomas               



There was a young lass at the lakeshore;                    
Her figure was classed as an eyesore.                       
Whenever she'd walk                                         
The whole beach would talk.                                 
And her condition in general deplore.                       
                                                            
 1935 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY          Bill Doern               



Wal-Mart Wanda had bad tits --                              
Hairy with crater pits.                                     
But you could pretend                                       
It was milk on your chin,                                   
When she reached up and popped her zits.                    
                                                            
 1936 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY                                   



Her tits were awesome compared                              
To her cunt which she willingly shared.                     
Crusty and slimy,                                           
Putrid and grimy,                                           
Clive Barker himself would be scared.                       
                                                            
 1937 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY                                   



Wal-Mart Wanda sounds mighty fine                           
Compared to an acquaintance of mine,                        
With twat foamy and sweaty;                                 
The aroma, too heady,                                       
And this, just after shower time.                           
                                                            
 1938 ANATOMY - UGLY - BODY                                   



Of beauty, she hadn't a smidgen,                            
With a face like the ass of a pigeon;                       
She became a fine nun,                                      
Put her hair in a bun,                                      
And devoted her life to religion.                           
                                                            
 1939 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Cap'n Bean               



There was a young woman of Thrace,                          
Whose nose spread all over her face.                        
She had very few kisses:                                    
The reason for this is                                      
There wasn't a suitable place.                              
                                                            
 1940 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



There was a young lady named Rose                           
Who had a large wart on her nose.                           
When she had it removed,                                    
Her appearence improved,                                    
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.                   
                                                            
 1941 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Bill Greenwell           



Whenever I go into town,                                    
At ugly girls I never frown,                                
'Cause I know that a bag                                    
Over the head of a hag,                                     
Makes her beautiful from the neck down.                     
                                                            
 1942 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Travis Brasell           



I'm in love with a lass near Ardfart,                       
Whose hair is so scant it won't part.                       
She's cross-eyed and thin,                                  
And as ugly as sin.                                         
But then, she has such a good heart!                        
                                                            
 1943 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Linda Marsh Coll         



There once was a girl from El Paso,                         
Equipped with a very fine ass, so                           
When she walked by a horse,                                 
He would whinny of course,                                  
'Cause her face looked like something you'd lasso.          
                                                            
 1944 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



The ugliest child ever born, it                             
Was said of Amelia Kornett.                                 
"Her face is," said Joe,                                    
Her father, in woe,                                         
"Like a bulldog who's chewing a hornet."                    
                                                            
 1945 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Tiddy Ogg                



A homely young woman named Clark,                           
Was devoted to sex as a lark.                               
Men recoiled in haste,                                      
After a view of her face,                                   
So she kept her house totally dark.                         
                                                            
 1946 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



So ugly a face had Miss Merrick                             
That she only was screwed by a cleric.                      
She had her face lifted                                     
By a fine surgeon gifted,                                   
With the help of a crane and a derrick.                     
                                                            
 1947 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2704



No matter, a girls looks or size,                           
Butt-ugly and fat is a prize,                               
'Cause men are all lead                                     
Around by the head                                          
That hasn't a brain or two eyes.                            
                                                            
 1948 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Goin2                    



There was an old maid from Dubuque                          
Whose kisser caused strong men to puke.                     
But during a blackout,                                      
She stood with her crack out,                               
And landed a nearsighted duke.                              
                                                            
 1949 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Armand E Singer       146



A great body she had for a hag,                             
Her fine figure was void of one sag.                        
Though her face was atrocious,                              
Like a beast so ferocious,                                  
She looked good with her head in a bag.                     
                                                            
 1950 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Travis Brasell           



I fear, when next week I'm in Bristol,                      
I'll bump into plug-ugly Crystal;                           
If so, I'll divulge                                         
That the permanent bulge                                    
In my pants, is indeed, just a pistol.                      
                                                            
 1951 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Tiddy Ogg                



For Crystal's a chambermaid who                             
Would appear to have crept from a zoo;                      
A most desperate lass                                       
With a laugh like an ass,                                   
A moustache and the face of a gnu.                          
                                                            
 1952 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Tiddy Ogg                



I hope, my lad, that you're not slagging                    
Off my wife's cousin Crystal, who's gagging                 
For some Hotel guest,                                       
To give her a test                                          
Of endurance in illicit shagging.                           
                                                            
 1953 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Tiddy Ogg                



I know she's an ugly old hag,                               
But surely you'll give her a shag.                          
So don't be too scared;                                     
She comes quite prepared                                    
For her head to be put in a bag.                            
                                                            
 1954 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Tiddy Ogg                



With help from an X-rated mag,                              
Its wrapper, a brown paper bag,                             
And gallons of cider                                        
For sliding inside her,                                     
I might give old Crystal a shag.                            
                                                            
 1955 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Peter Wilkins            



This wife was so ugly, named Donna,                         
Her husband kept telling her, Manana!"                      
"I'd love it a lot                                          
If you'd make me real hot!"                                 
So he went out and bought her a sauna.                      
                                                            
 1956 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Laurence Craft           



My friend with the wart on your nose,                       
Doesn't matter the cost of your clothes.                    
You seem to be huffy                                        
And look a bit scruffy;                                     
You're ugly! That's just how it goes!                       
                                                            
 1957 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Jim Weaver Collection    



I once had a school friend named Jane,                      
Who'd come into my life once again.                         
She has curves here and there,                              
But my wife doesn't care                                    
That in those days she was dull and plain.                  
                                                            
 1958 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Arthur Pattaffy          



Poor Janna was ugly but tarty.                              
Whenever she went to a party,                               
She got no takers.                                          
She made do with fakers,                                    
And got all her jollies ex parte.                           
                                                            
 1959 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



I once almost joined a fraternity.                          
This would have wound up with maternity.                    
The woman, of course,                                       
Looked just like a horse,                                   
And I'd have been stuck for eternity!                       
                                                            
 1960 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



There once was a girl from Manila,                          
With a face that looked just like Godzilla.                 
She could screw you real fine                               
While swinging from a vine,                                 
And give head to you like a gorilla.                        
                                                            
 1961 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Richard Long             



Oh Debbie, my darling, the moon                             
Is smiling with tears, as we spoon.                         
The touch of your lips                                      
And the curve of your hips                                  
Are like naught but a hairy baboon.                         
                                                            
 1962 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Peter Wilkins            



My little sister Jan is a nag,                              
Consistently she's on the rag!                              
With those glasses and braces,                              
We all know her face is                                     
Better concealed by a bag.                                  
                                                            
 1963 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Tarazed                  



The far out city of LA                                      
Held an ugly girl contest one day.                          
When the winner stripped down,                              
Most men turned around--                                    
But those who dared stare, all turned gay!                  
                                                            
 1964 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Jim                      



"She's homely, but does have a bunch                        
Of traits that endear..."  I've a hunch                     
Her impending visit                                         
Will not be exquisite,                                      
And soon I'll be losing my lunch.                           
                                                            
 1965 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          John Miller              



In hopes for a Valentine's shag,                            
I'm sending this card without lag,                          
To Cindy McTavish,                                          
Whose body I'd ravish,                                      
If her head wore a double-thick bag.                        
                                                            
 1966 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Hugh Clary               



Agreeing that Cindy's a sight,                              
So strange that she gives you a fright;                     
There is another way,                                       
But not in the day.                                         
It works if you turn out the light.                         
                                                            
 1967 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Archie                   



In the ancient Greek town of Larissa                        
Dwelt a hideous whore called Clarissa.                      
Except for the blind,                                       
Men preferred her behind                                    
To her face, when attempting to kissa.                      
                                                            
 1968 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Jim Weaver Collection    



She's a nightmare from which you can't wake up.             
Every mirror she looks in will break up.                    
She's so ugly and gory                                      
That you must trust my story,                               
For faces like hers, you can't make up.                     
                                                            
 1969 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Jerry Nordal        P0301



Though Brenda, an ugly old hag,                             
Wore a permanent brown paper bag,                           
With just slits for her eyes,                               
Nose and mouth to disguise.                                 
My God!  She was good for a shag.                           
                                                            
 1970 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady called Hope                          
Who tried to look young, using soap.                        
When her skin looked quite old,                             
She recalled she'd been told,                               
That her beauty was only skin dope.                         
                                                            
 1971 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a lady named Tess,                           
Whose face was a terrible mess.                             
She said she had paid                                       
Twenty bucks to get laid;                                   
She was ugly, you had to confess.                           
                                                            
 1972 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Anon                     



A practical sailor named Schwartz,                          
Was looking for girls in the ports.                         
He found one in Peru                                        
Much too ugly to screw,                                     
So he played with her pimples and warts.                    
                                                            
 1973 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Albin Chaplin   3024-0327



An ugly wallflower named Trish,                             
A painfully ill-favored dish,                               
Dreamed of domed pleasure palaces                           
And hot throbbing phalluses                                 
On slaves who'd obey her least wish.                        
                                                            
 1974 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Armand E Singer       150



While talking with Joan on the phone,                       
I moaned as I played with my bone.                          
But not face to face,                                       
'Cause she has no grace,                                    
For Joan is a rancid old crone.                             
                                                            
 1975 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Archie                   



Have you ever thought that you could                        
Put a bag on her head for a hood,                           
Then pull on your plonker                                   
Or get on and bonker;                                       
She might even pay if you're good.                          
                                                            
 1976 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          J                        



Said homely young Jane to her Granny,                       
"Please tell me how I can win Manny."                       
"With your ugly face,"                                      
Quipped Grandma, "For the chase,                            
Put lipstick and rouge on your fanny!"                      
                                                            
 1977 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Travis Brasell           



Last evening I found a real dish;                           
She was all any fellow could wish.                          
Now that daylight is here                                   
And my head starts to clear --                              
She is ugly and smells like a fish.                         
                                                            
 1978 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          John Miller 0315         



"So you take your wife everywhere.  Why?"                   
"She's so ugly, she makes children cry.                     
Well, if I should roam                                      
And leave her at home,                                      
Then I'd have to kiss her goodbye."                         
                                                            
 1979 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          John Futhey              



Pardon me, if I don't ask to dance,                         
I'd be taking a pretty big chance.                          
Medusa would sway,                                          
And turn you to clay,                                       
But you turned a man gay with one glance!                   
                                                            
 1980 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



I concede, there are quite a few hags,                      
Who might otherwise make splendid shags;                    
You can still bump and grind,                               
Keep looks out of your mind;                                
Here's one reason they make paper bags!                     
                                                            
 1981 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



I concede, there are quite a few hags,                      
Who might otherwise make splendid shags;                    
You can still bump and grind,                               
Keep looks out of your mind;                                
Here's one reason they make paper bags!                     
                                                            
 1982 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE                                   



A hag wanders 'round Kapuskasing,                           
Each man she enounters embracing.                           
Although blatantly nude                                     
She is hard to elude,                                       
'Cause you can't tell which way she is facing.              
                                                            
 1983 ANATOMY - UGLY - FACE          Keith MacMillan       74b



A gent with a face most unkissable                          
Knew quite well that his visage was rissable.               
But at night with aplomb,                                   
He would 'cherchez la femme',                               
Because then the thing wouldn't be visable.                 
                                                            
 1984 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Norm Storer              



There was a young man near Dunowen,                         
Who strolled by himself all alone.                          
He'd a face like a hatchet;                                 
I defy you to match it.                                     
Said he: "I don't mind, it's my own."                       
                                                            
 1985 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          F H Cozens               



A smashing young lady named Jean                            
Married the ugliest man on the scene.                       
When asked reasons why                                      
She said, "My oh my.                                        
I love farting through silk, it's so keen."                 
                                                            
 1986 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Tom Patton          P0204



An ugly old duckling from Niles                             
Had wandered for too many miles                             
In search of some bliss,                                    
Or even a kiss,                                             
But the best he could get were some smiles.                 
                                                            
 1987 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Went out with a fellow named Jim,                           
His pecs were incredibly trim.                              
With a face like a pizza,                                   
Topped with all kinds of meat-sa;                           
I won't eat the face off of him...                          
                                                            
 1988 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Jayne                    



My face, once so handsome, just might                       
Need a lift and a tuck overnight.                           
I've no mirrors intact,                                     
For I fear they've all cracked                              
At my physiognomical sight.                                 
                                                            
 1989 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE                                   



A teenager ate chocolate bars --                            
As many, almost, as the stars.                              
The subsequent swelling                                     
Sent people rapelling                                       
And scaling his deep facial scars.                          
                                                            
 1990 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Ryan Waldron             



Said a man with a sinus infection,                          
"It's causing my social rejection.                          
But a look in the mirror                                    
Makes reasons clearer;                                      
I understand, on further reflection."                       
                                                            
 1991 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Tom Patton          P9504



There once was a guy named Ned                              
Who had a growth on top of his head.                        
It was crusty and slimy,                                    
Putrid and grimy,                                           
We agreed, he'd be better off dead.                         
                                                            
 1992 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE                                   



That skinny young fellow named Ned,                         
Whose slick sloping skull smoothly led                      
To a ridge 'round his neck,                                 
Did clearly meet the spec                                   
For a pencil-necked geek peckerhead.                        
                                                            
 1993 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE                                   



There once was a fellow named Ned;                          
At church he's about to get wed;                            
All of a sudden                                             
His best man cut in,                                        
And told him he's better off dead.                          
                                                            
 1994 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE                                   



A heavyweight fighter from Skeyton                          
Had a face that could easily frighten.                      
A terrible sight                                            
In the black of the night,                                  
But not nearly so bad with the light on.                    
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
 1995 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Anon                     



Late October, an ugly old Basque                            
Was prepared lest his neighbors should ask.                 
He had painted a sign                                       
With one simple line:                                       
"I'm not wearing a Halloween mask."                         
                                                            
 1996 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          A. N. Wilkins       P8612



I asked her one day on the phone                            
If handsome guys can make her moan.                         
She said: Beauty is cheap,                                  
Goes only skin deep,                                        
But ugly goes right to the bone.                            
                                                            
 1997 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE                                   



Are you saying now you're bone ugly?                        
Before you told us, you were snuggly.                       
"Guess you can be both.                                     
But over that growth                                        
I'm placing a bag," I say smugly.                           
                                                            
 1998 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE                                   



A creative fellow named Jewitt,                             
Knew of 2,000 way to "do it".                               
But the man was so ugly,                                    
No girl would get snuggly,                                  
And he never did get around to it.                          
                                                            
 1999 ANATOMY - UGLY - MALE          Ogden Nield              



Bob finds his dates all inferior;                           
If not in the front, then the derriere.                     
Mae's too short; June's too tall;                           
Jill is as flat as a wall                                   
And Sandy's as wide as a carrier.                           
                                                            
 2000 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Rmac                     



Barbara?  Well she's just so hairy, her                     
Face lookes like that of a terrier.                         
Jane's too big; Kim's too small;                            
He has rejected them all,                                   
Citing his basic criteria.                                  
                                                            
 2001 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Rmac                     



Here is a question that gnaws all.                          
At a certain age it can cause all                           
Creatures to wonder                                         
And run asunder:                                            
Could I be menopausal?                                      
                                                            
 2002 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Robert Ulsh Gross   P8205



There once was a fellow called Cheek                        
Whose physique was kept at a peak.                          
But decline due to ale,                                     
Late nights without fail,                                   
Mean his body is now an antique.                            
                                                            
 2003 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Suzanne Michols          



The appendix resembles a worm,                              
Though it doesn't burrow or squirm.                         
It's largely ignored                                        
Till a surgeon is bored,                                    
Or the bills have made him infirm.                          
                                                            
 2004 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Macsam                   



Hickory dickory eeba,                                       
I think I've become an amoeba.                              
For to my dismay,                                           
My bum's slipped away                                       
And I'm not very sure where my knees are.                   
                                                            
 2005 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             J. Davis and C. Hilditch 



There once was a man named Phil                             
Whose balls were made out of twill.                         
He would always unravel                                     
Then shove in his navel                                     
The thread, as he sat so still.                             
                                                            
 2006 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Arden                    



Between the pelvis and the breast                           
The navel lies in uselessness                               
Except for those                                            
In passion's throes                                         
Who for their nose, a place to rest.                        
                                                            
 2007 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Irving Superior     P8708



An omphaloskeptic from Kent                                 
Sat engrossed, his legs crossed, in a tent.                 
When they asked what engrossed him,                         
He replied, "If you must im-                                
Portune, I commune with my lint.                            
                                                            
 2008 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Rowdy Jack               



Be certain that I'm not condemnin',                         
But any place people are swimmin',                          
I oft RUMINATE                                              
Anatomy's fate;                                             
It always looks better on women.                            
                                                            
 2009 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Observer                 



Our friends are a peculiar bunch,                           
The sort when they come round to lunch,                     
They sit and they twitter;                                  
They snigger and titter,                                    
And the Postie's back's a big hunch.                        
                                                            
 2010 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



A general in the army called Hugh                           
Was a patriot all the way through.                          
But 'tis sad to relate,                                     
Blood he'd not donate,                                      
For the cells were all red, white and blue.                 
                                                            
 2011 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Edwin J Weinstein        



Here's something that I find quite odd:                     
I've got the body of a god.                                 
It's really quite good-a;                                   
Of course it is Buddha.                                     
Am I not just a lucky old sod?                              
                                                            
 2012 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Anon                     



Os sacrum in shape of a cross,                              
By nerves is made "holey" like floss,                       
Just North of coccyx,                                       
Next to the toxics                                          
In conduit carrying dross.                                  
                                                            
 2013 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Daniel Ford              



Farewell to our beauty, Justine,                            
Whose navel was always so clean.                            
To leave her we're sad,                                     
Though it isn't all bad;                                    
For now all our thoughts aren't obscene.                    
                                                            
 2014 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Archie                   



A Chinese contortionist called Bean                         
Had a cunt all spotty and green.                            
When she popped a big zit,                                  
It hit her left tit,                                        
So she folded and licked it all clean.                      
                                                            
 2015 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



This man screwed his wife all the time,                     
With a pillow beneath her behind.                           
He fucked her so much,                                      
And her position was such,                                  
She developed curvature of the spine.                       
                                                            
 2016 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Laurence Craft           



There was a young man so obscene,                           
He would chuckle at words like "between."                   
"Between legs," "between lips,"                             
"Between breasts," "between hips,"                          
There wasn't a use he found clean.                          
                                                            
 2017 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Isaac Asimov             



There was a young man from Kilkee                           
Whose left hand was attached to his knee.                   
His right ear was a pheasant.                               
I admit it's not pleasant,                                  
But at least it was him and not me.                         
                                                            
 2018 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



There was a young poet named Corso,                         
Exceedingly short in the torso;                             
An undersized dwarf,                                        
Scaled down endomorph,                                      
A pigmy manque, only more so.                               
                                                            
 2019 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Armand E Singer      240B



There once was a student from Yale,                         
Whose skin was so exceedingly pale.                         
The glare from a book                                       
Was all that it took,                                       
For smoke to come out of his tail.                          
                                                            
 2020 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Lims For Year - 01       



Beside his own bones there is pent                          
In the fam'ly of most every gent,                           
A private collection --                                     
Exempt from inspection --                                   
By common desire and consent.                               
                                                            
 2021 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



Unkindly, some people think Isabel                          
Has looks most exceedingly risable;                         
Her shoulders are broader                                   
Than Canada's border,                                       
But sideways, she's almost invisable.                       
                                                            
 2022 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Peter Wilkins            



Her shape then is quite unconventional.                     
Was this some strange stunt, unintentional,                 
Which caused fate to bowl her                               
Beneath a road roller,                                      
And thus turned her so two-dimensional.                     
                                                            
 2023 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Tiddy Ogg                



It was a large roller that battered her;                    
All over the highway it splattered her.                     
The lads in the city                                        
Once said she was pretty,                                   
But afterwards nobody flattered her.                        
                                                            
 2024 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Peter Wilkins            



The boy who forgot to grow down                             
Grew up on the far side of toen;                            
By the time he was seven,                                   
He was six-foot-eleven,                                     
A figure of highest renown.                                 
                                                            
 2025 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Tom Baker           P8806



The gall bladder rarely has cancer;                         
For this we do not have an answer.                          
But when tumors are found,                                  
There are stones all around;                                
It is cause and effect or a chancer.                        
                                                            
 2026 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             L. H. Sobin         P9003



In case you desire to get buff,                             
'Cause Baby won't give you enough,                          
Prepare to tap quim!                                        
Get thee to Johns Gym!                                      
She'll beg you for all your hard stuff.                     
                                                            
 2027 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             H                        



Your man isn't stiff for your bod?                          
A wink just incites him to nod?                             
Get thee to Johns Gym!                                      
When your tight and trim,                                   
He'll beg you to bury his rod!                              
                                                            
 2028 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



At the gym they have put up a tree                          
And a sign that says, "Come in! It's Free!"                 
Inside Santa hustles                                        
Six ladies with muscles,                                    
Which they twitch to make men shout with glee.              
                                                            
 2029 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             John Miller              



At the gym there are six pedophiles,                        
Playing Santa with big Christmas smiles.                    
They lure girls and boys                                    
With swell Christmas toys,                                  
And a tickle or hug that beguiles.                          
                                                            
 2030 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             John Miller              



To the gym all the fair redheads go,                        
Giving joy 'neath the old mistletoe,                        
Which we hung on a rafter,                                  
To get what we're after:                                    
A tryst with that Yule afterglow.                           
                                                            
 2031 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



There was a young girl called Nelly                         
Who had a nice cute nylon belly.                            
The skin was so thin,                                       
We could all see in;                                        
It was full of egg custard and jelly.                       
                                                            
 2032 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Spike Milligan      P0311



There once was a master called Osborne,                     
I cannot think why he was born,                             
The head of a cad                                           
And a body as bad,                                          
Were the gifts God granted to Osborne.                      
                                                            
 2033 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Rudyard Kipling1879 P8903



There once was a young guy named Fred,                      
Whose feet were quite far from his head.                    
His girlfriend was small,                                   
'Bout four feet in all;                                     
But height doesn't matter in bed.                           
                                                            
 2034 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



The kidney had a foul tasting grin,                         
As he parceled out drops of urine.                          
These were poured into tubes                                
That drained toward the pubes,                              
And housed in a bladder within.                             
                                                            
 2035 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Edwin J Weinstein        



When I think of my lap, I feel cheated;                     
It deigns to appear when I'm seated,                        
But can never be found                                      
When I just stand around.                                   
Why isn't it there when it's needed?                        
                                                            
 2036 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl of New York,                          
Whose body was lighter than cork.                           
She had to be fed                                           
For six weeks upon lead,                                    
Before she went out for a walk.                             
                                                            
 2037 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             C. Monkhouse             



My body pics are popular, I see,                            
With all you sad(e) marquis'.                               
I know it must strike                                       
You how much we're alike,                                   
But I'm not Pamela Anderson Lee.                            
                                                            
 2038 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



Now this statement may seem rather phony,                   
But some backbones there are so unboney,                    
So wobbly and lacking                                       
In stuff that makes backing --                              
You would think they were boiled macaroni.                  
                                                            
 2039 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



Anatomy's not my strong suit --                             
But your piggies are awfully cute.                          
Your poor hens and rooster                                  
I think need a booster,                                     
But your chicken house is a beaut!                          
                                                            
 2040 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



As an old organ donor, my fate                              
Is to have lived, 'til now it's too late                    
My best parts once virile                                   
Are withered and sterile.                                   
I'll depart, therefore, quite intestate.                    
                                                            
 2041 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



Tumors of pancreas head                                     
Silently grow as they spread,                               
Surround the bile duct                                      
Which they then obstruct.                                   
Patients turn yellow then dead.                             
                                                            
 2042 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             L. H. Sobin         P9003



There was a young student of Scottomy,                      
Who said, "What have these wenches got o' me?               
I have lost father's knees,                                 
Likewise my pancreas,                                       
And I fear I shall die of phlebotomy."                      
                                                            
 2043 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                 L1614



I once met Picasso in Spain                                 
With his model Amelia-Jane.                                 
She had tits and a cunt                                     
On her face, back and front;                                
Quite intriguing, but hell, was she plain.                  
                                                            
 2044 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Peter Wilkins            



One evening I got quite a shock                             
When fucking this tart from the dock.                       
She seemed quite surprised                                  
When in front of her eyes,                                  
I pulled out her spleen on my cock.                         
                                                            
 2045 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Paul Boston              



I once knew a girl named Claire;                            
Her hair was both darkish and fair.                         
Of eyes she had two;                                        
One brown and one blue,                                     
And shaped she was like a pear.                             
                                                            
 2046 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Bob Hunt                 



There was a young lad at the lake                           
With a build that was too much to take.                     
He had rippling biceps,                                     
Pectorals, and triceps,                                     
And buttocks that had to be fake!                           
                                                            
 2047 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Bill Doern               



A salesman without any cares,                               
Caught a housewife quite unawares.                          
She was eight inces taller                                  
Than her gentleman caller,                                  
So their passion took place on the stairs.                  
                                                            
 2048 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             John Fernbank            



So short was the girl of young Visser,                      
He knelt on his knees just to kiss her.                     
When she stood on her toes,                                 
The end of her nose                                         
Would come to the knob on his pisser.                       
                                                            
 2049 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Albin Chaplin   3024-2376



Consider the nature of skin;                                
It covers the goodies within,                               
And thus it's apparent                                      
It isn't transparent,                                       
Although it's exceedingly thin.                             
                                                            
 2050 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Peter Wilkins            



Good thing that it's waterproof too,                        
For if it let the drizzle weep through,                     
The soggy remains                                           
Of one's innards and brains,                                
Would collapse into puddles of goo.                         
                                                            
 2051 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             pETER wILKINS            



A medical student called Seymour                            
Wanted no one to think him a dreamer.                       
His wine he would mull                                      
In a dissected skull,                                       
And he scrambled his eggs with a femur.                     
                                                            
 2052 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Martin Guy               



He's afraid of the dark, the dumb creep,                    
So he sleeps with a light and counts sheep.                 
He's called a light sleeper,                                
And now this gets deeper,                                   
Just how does a hard sleeper sleep?                         
                                                            
 2053 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



Since you ask, here's a portrait of me:                     
On the wall hangs my B.S. degree.                           
My hair's dark and thick,                                   
But turning grey quick,                                     
Yet, at least all my toes I can see.                        
                                                            
 2054 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jerry Nordal             



Mr. Gock lived on beefsteak so tough,                       
That one day, having suffered enough,                       
His salivary glands                                         
Fled to far distant lands,                                  
And his stomach walked out in a huff.                       
                                                            
 2055 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Beelzebub                



We admit that he's low-browed and rummy,                    
Yet permit him to be rather chummy,                         
And toss him down grub --                                   
Which he grabs from his sub-                                
terranean hole in our tummy.                                
(Euwer meant stomach, but could be tapeworm - McW)          
 2056 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



There is no particular knack                                
To give people the height that they lack.                   
For there's only one way,                                   
You should try it today;                                    
It's called stretching yourself on the rack.                
                                                            
 2057 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



There was a young student of art,                           
Who made a strange anatomical chart;                        
In place of the chest,                                      
A grease spot on the vest,                                  
And in place of the asshole, a fart.                        
                                                            
 2058 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                 L1677



There once was a lady hand-letterer,                        
Who thought of a program to better her.                     
She hand lettered each                                      
Of the parts she could reach,                               
The bosom, the navel, et cetera.                            
                                                            
 2059 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                 L1431



When you lie in the sun for long days,                      
It's suicide to stay out in the rays.                       
Spread on sun-blocking oil                                  
Before you come to the boil,                                
Or skin cancer you'll get as you laze.                      
                                                            
 2060 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Arthur Pattaffy          



The trouble with Sydney's his liver,                        
Which now just works with a shiver.                         
There's no filtration at all,                               
Since two years ago, fall;                                  
He's awaiting a surgical giver!                             
                                                            
 2061 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There's also concern for his spleen,                        
Or rather where it ought to have been.                      
It came out one night,                                      
After a helluva fight                                       
With a fan of Chianti and fava bean.                        
                                                            
 2062 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



I've heard he's a murmuring heart,                          
They fetched his home in a cart.                            
When down stairs he stumbled                                
As his stomach had rumbled,                                 
But I'm glad to report it's a fart!                         
                                                            
 2063 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



An odd fellow from Ecuador,                                 
Had the same shape behind as before.                        
They did not know where                                     
They should offer a chair,                                  
So he had to sit down on the floor.                         
                                                            
 2064 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



If over your peer group you loom;                           
If you're tallest, by far, in the room,                     
Here is research to fear:                                   
Each inch costs you a year,                                 
And you'll have to pay more for your tomb.                  
(yeah but you get a lot more - McW)                         
 2065 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



An imaginary line is the waist                              
Which seldom stays long where it's placed,                  
But ambles and skips                                        
Twixt shoulders and hips,                                   
According to popular taste.                                 
                                                            
 2066 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



She took off her leg and her wig,                           
Removed her glass eye and the big                           
Lush boobies he thought                                     
Were to be his lot;                                         
Then took off her thingamajig.                              
                                                            
 2067 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Marlene Lewis            



He cried, with a frown on his face,                         
"Good god, gal, there isn't a trace                         
Of that sweet young miss                                    
I wanted to kiss --                                         
You're scattered all over the place!"                       
                                                            
 2068 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Marlene Lewis            



There once was an eminent Lord                              
Whose misfortune all men deplored.                          
Though born long ago                                        
He still carried in tow                                     
Six yards of umbilical cord.                                
                                                            
 2069 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



One umbilical cord to another:                              
"I presume that of course you're my brother.                
And as we are twins                                         
And nobody wins,                                            
I suggest we just stay here in Mother."                     
                                                            
 2070 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Conrad Aiken             



I'm glad I'm protected from knocks,                         
From my necktie clear down to my socks,                     
And padded and bolstered,                                   
Fenced in and upholstered,                                  
With muscles to take up the shocks.                         
                                                            
 2071 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             T. Euwer                 



A man who was always quite mean                             
Nearly died in a wwreck as a teen.                          
They left in his side                                       
A hole he can't hide;                                       
It's where he had vented his spleen.                        
                                                            
 2072 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Macsam                   



A tall man who found his great height                       
Was the level of birds in their flight.                     
When they did ask why                                       
He'd his head in the sky,                                   
He described the cause of his plight.                       
                                                            
 2073 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Edwin J Weinstein        



When young, he developed the knack                          
Of getting a crick in his back.                             
Despite the advice                                          
To use heat or ice,                                         
Instead he stretched out on the rack.                       
                                                            
 2074 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Edwin J Weinstein        



There once was a man from St. Paul,                         
Who moaned about being so tall.                             
At night in his bed                                         
Was his body and head.                                      
His feet had to sleep in the hall.                          
                                                            
 2075 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL             Floyd Tatton             



It's hard to say what's my best part;                       
I hardly know where to start;                               
My potbelly tum,                                            
Or my saggy bum?                                            
Or maybe that genital wart?                                 
                                                            
 2076 ANATOMY - ZGENERAL                                      



When I first tried my hand at a rhyme,                      
Using "shit" was a serious crime.                           
While the rhyming of "coon"                                 
With June, spoon and moon                                   
Was a mild racial slur at the time.                         
                                                            
 2077 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



The hippies laid rest to those days                         
With their loud, raucous, outspoken ways.                   
When really zonked out,                                     
They often would spout                                      
Naughty words that would truly amaze.                       
                                                            
 2078 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



Then the organs of sex came to style,                       
And stayed popular quite a long while.                      
Folk really weren't fussy                                   
When you used the word "pussy"                              
And they even took "cunt" with a smile.                     
                                                            
 2079 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



Next, ladies whoe once used to blush                        
At "testicle", "titty" and "tush",                          
Made language, once vile,                                   
Into feminine style,                                        
With the good stuff regarded as mush.                       
                                                            
 2080 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



With the shift of the meaning of "gay",                     
The perverts were next to hold sway.                        
We were up to our ears                                      
In jokes about "queers" --                                  
But that trend is now going away.                           
                                                            
 2081 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



Now often from children of six                              
You hear words I first heard at Fort Dix;                   
While a mild ethnic slur                                    
Is apt to incur                                             
The wrath of the liberal chicks.                            
                                                            
 2082 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



Oh, My Goodness! I called her a "chick!"                    
The feminists here will be quick                            
To point out that I                                         
Am a terrible guy,                                          
A "sexist" and "redneck" and PRICK!                         
                                                            
 2083 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



Religion has always been tough.                             
If remarks that you make "off the cuff"                     
To "them" are offensive,                                    
You must switch to defensive,                               
The invective is apt to get rough!                          
                                                            
 2084 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



Of disabled we're very protective;                          
"Challenged" is used for "defective".                       
(A good rule of thumb:                                      
Don't call the dumb "dumb",                                 
There are synonyms just as effective.)                      
                                                            
 2085 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



If you want to keep up with this all,                       
Just listen while down at the mall.                         
Though "nigger" comes easy,                                 
To use it is sleazy,                                        
But the "F" word is no crime at all.                        
                                                            
 2086 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



These changes in meaning aren't mild;                       
Some day I can guess it not wild                            
To cringe and to stutter                                    
While trying to utter                                       
Words like "mother" and "family" and "child".               
                                                            
 2087 ART - CRITICS                  John Miller              



Wrote a critic, a stuffy old bloke:                         
"The concert last night was a joke;                         
The tempos were frantic,                                    
The program: Romantic,                                      
And the instruments all were Baroque."                      
                                                            
 2088 ART - CRITICS                  Cybergeezer              



The star of "Anne Frank" was  erratic,                      
And the critics were less than ecstatic --                  
Her acting so grim,                                         
When the Germans marched in,                                
Cried the audience, "SHE'S IN THE ATTIC!"                   
                                                            
 2089 ART - CRITICS                  Arthur Deex         P8503



"A rose is a rose is a rose."                               
But comments from critics of prose --                       
"Just why 'a rose' thrice?"                                 
"Why not 'a rose' twice?"                                   
Arose and arose and arose.                                  
                                                            
 2090 ART - CRITICS                  Irving Superior     P9803



A writer of poems, to succeed,                              
Must listen to Arthur x-eeD.                                
The words, all in rhyme,                                    
And the meter, sublime,                                     
But the past tense of piss must be peed.                    
                                                            
 2091 ART - CRITICS                  Al Willis                



I find that both banjo and mime                             
Are not forms of art, but a crime.                          
All that ill-tuning                                         
And silent buffooning;                                      
Let's throw them all into the brine.                        
                                                            
 2092 ART - CRITICS                  Tom Myers                



To an artist, a husband called Bicket,                      
Said, "Turn your ass and I'll kick it.                      
You have painted my wife                                    
In the nude to the life,                                    
Do you think for a moment that's cricket?"                  
                                                            
 2093 ART - CRITICS                  John Galsworthy          



Our novels get longer and longer.                           
Their language gets stronger and stronger.                  
There's much to be said                                     
For a life to be led                                        
In illiterate places like Bonga.                            
                                                            
 2094 ART - CRITICS                  H. G. Wells              



Of the "poets" whose works grace the pages                  
Of the best magazines, though outrageous,                   
Rhyme and metre are foreign                                 
(Formless prattle is more in.)                              
I just hope their style isn't contagious.                   
                                                            
 2095 ART - CRITICS                  John Sandler        P9107



With critics, one need not dispute;                         
Like asses they are not astute.                             
When asses are roused                                       
And on fruit trees have browsed,                            
Then the trees will bear much finer fruit.                  
                                                            
 2096 ART - CRITICS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2546



There once was a man from a school                          
Who thought a bad poet, a fool.                             
He corrected some meter                                     
Then scratched at his peter                                 
And thought himself pretty damned cool.                     
                                                            
 2097 ART - CRITICS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



"Oh, I'm not offended," he said,                            
"But there's just so much stuff in my head,                 
If I don't let it out,                                      
I'd scream and I'd shout,                                   
And finish up under the bed."                               
                                                            
 2098 ART - CRITICS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



We enjoy it when readers all parrot us,                     
But not when they set out to garrot us,                     
So with this little pome,                                   
Signed Judson Jerome,                                       
I accept the rank 'Critic Emeritus'.                        
                                                            
 2099 ART - CRITICS                  Judson Jerome       P8806



Said a sensual artist named Mame,                           
"I wish to gain world wide acclaim.                         
Though I paint and can draw,                                
In a way that will awe,                                     
What the critics love most is my frame."                    
                                                            
 2100 ART - CRITICS                  Bob Giandomenico    P9103



In performance and graphics and lit,                        
Artists all strongly strive for a hit.                      
They deem panning reviews,                                  
As discomfiting news,                                       
And do not suffer well shocks of crit.                      
                                                            
 2101 ART - CRITICS                  Bob Giandomenico    P0203



An authoress armed with a skewer                            
Once hunted a hostile reviewer.                             
'I'll teach you' she cried,                                 
As she punctured his hide,                                  
'To call my last novel too pure!'                           
                                                            
 2102 ART - CRITICS                  Explosion of Lims   P0207



While viewing a painting of Venus,                          
A young student added a penis.                              
He had to erase it:                                         
He'd been asked to praise it.                               
At least he's found out what a paean is!                    
                                                            
 2103 ART - CRITICS                  Linda Marsh Coll         



It looks like some tots did an etching,                     
That wasn't so clear or so fetching.                        
But any solution                                            
To the big convolution                                      
I fear leaves me gagging and retching.                      
                                                            
 2104 ART - CRITICS                  A. W. Edwards       P9012



"I am no prude!" cried Viscount McAudrey.                   
"But these novels are really quite tawdry.                  
The new movies are smut--                                   
And slavering rut--                                         
I'll go to Denmark and study their bawdry."                 
                                                            
 2105 ART - CRITICS                                      G2409



With the critical Randall Jarrell,                          
Few poets presume to quarrel;                               
So they hate and they hate                                  
While they wait and they wait                               
To put him across a barrel.                                 
(His day in the barrel? - McW)                              
 2106 ART - CRITICS                  Conrad Aiken             



Riverrun where can you guess?                               
Finnegans Wake is a mess.                                   
"Will you help me get even?"                                
Said left-over Steven.                                      
Yes I said yes I will Yes.                                  
(on Finnegans Wake by James Joyce)                          
 2107 ART - CRITICS                  Anon                G0085



I think it's imprudent of Bean                              
To be picayune, blunt and mean;                             
Our Johnny has heart                                        
And plays a big part                                        
In the poor but proud Broome County scene!                  
(defending Johnny Hart from Cap'n Bean)                     
 2108 ART - CRITICS                  Mark Levy           P0211



To Johnny, I never meant harm,                              
And I wished to not sound an alarm,                         
For, despite this small flaw,                               
He truly can draw,                                          
And his comic strip always holds charm!                     
(Cap'n Bean apologising to Johny Hart after chastisement)   
 2109 ART - CRITICS                  Cap'n Bean          P0212



Female figures are here intertwined,                        
Tits and arms and legs and behinds.                         
And the rest of the mass                                    
Is at an impasse,                                           
And de-tails I'm unable to find.                            
(comments on a Matisse drawing)                             
 2110 ART - CRITICS                  A. W. Edwards       P9012



To a critcal colleague, Menotti                             
Rudely snapped, "You've no call to act haughty.             
Your progressions are poor,                                 
Your themes lack alure,                                     
And your counterpoint tends to be spotty."                  
                                                            
 2111 ART - CRITICS                  Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



An old-fashioned artist observes--                          
These Modernists get on my nerves,                          
They eliminate grace                                        
From both figure and face,                                  
And substitute angles for curves.                           
                                                            
 2112 ART - CRITICS                  Thomas Thorneley         



A man from the Rue Chateau D'in,                            
Could not stand Mona Lisa's grin.                           
He got hold of a gun,                                       
And had lots of fun                                         
By shooting her two front teeth in.                         
                                                            
 2113 ART - CRITICS                  Chairman Steve           



"My response to the art show at Bangor,"                    
Said the critic, "was boredom and langour.                  
Although no one could say                                   
Thirty paintings passe,                                     
I speak more in Seurat than in Ingres."                     
                                                            
 2114 ART - CRITICS                  A. N. Wilkins       P9206



The content of most TV fare                                 
Is a source of scholastic despair,                          
Brimful of tedium,                                          
And for this medium,                                        
Anything well done is rare.                                 
                                                            
 2115 ART - CRITICS                  Bob Giandomenico    P9410



There once was a girl who used paint                        
On her navel.  Her boyfriend said, "Ain't                   
That going too far?"                                        
"No more than you are,"                                     
She said.  "Do I hear a complaint?"                         
                                                            
 2116 ART - CRITICS                  John Ciardi              



The guy that was mentioned before                           
Could never establish rapport                               
With readers that reasoned,                                 
Or critics well-seasoned,                                   
But at least he was never a bore.                           
                                                            
 2117 ART - CRITICS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The guy that was mentioned before                           
Could never establish rapport                               
With readers that reasoned                                  
Or critics well-seasoned.                                   
But at least he was never a bore.                           
                                                            
 2118 ART - CRITICS                  Ryan Waldron             



My verses above, alphabetical,                              
Could scarcely be reckoned ascetical;                       
And, what's even worse is,                                  
My amorous verses                                           
Are not even very poetical.                                 
                                                            
 2119 ART - CRITICS                  Harold C Bibby           



"The figure is not anatomical",                             
Said a Sitter, "The attitude's comical."                    
Said the Painter, "Quite true,                              
But when looked at askew,                                   
Both are seen to be sweetly symbolical."                    
                                                            
 2120 ART - CRITICS                  Thomas Thorneley         



In Barrie's sequel, "Peter Pot",                            
Much fatter, older Peter got.                               
And Wendy marital                                           
And Hook, an Admiral.                                       
The critics PANned it quite a lot.                          
                                                            
 2121 ART - CRITICS                  Irving Superior     P8402



Photography is a device                                     
To record what one sees in a trice,                         
Demanding great riches,                                     
For those son-of bitches,                                   
At Kodak keep raising the price.                            
                                                            
 2122 ART - CRITICS                  F Stop Fitzgerald        



There's a really strange bunch in D.C.                      
Thinking each utterance must be P.C.                        
Yet they call it art                                        
To piss and to fart                                         
For an art show in big galleries.                           
                                                            
 2123 ART - CRITICS                  Marsha Magee             



Of attractions the Sabines ain't stinted,                   
And I tell you my eyes fairly glinted,                      
At the toes and the knees,                                  
The those and the these,                                    
But quiet!  Or I'll never be printed.                       
                                                            
 2124 ART - CRITICS                  D W Barker               



An English professor named Brooks,                          
Said, "Reviewing is not what it looks.                      
Now I always choose                                         
To review the reviews                                       
Of the books about writers of books."                       
                                                            
 2125 ART - CRITICS                  D H Cudmore              



Bestowed quite at random, the Gift                          
Of the Muse gives a wonderful lift;                         
But if I had the pen                                        
Of one Wilkens, A.N.,                                       
I would happily set her adrift!                             
(Wilkens - a reviewer and contributer to Pentatette)        
 2126 ART - CRITICS                  Norm Storer         P9509



The fact of rejection is sad;                               
The result is that now I feel bad.                          
"I hate your story,"                                        
Was derogatory,                                             
And the note that I got was from Dad!                       
                                                            
 2127 ART - CRITICS                  Al Willis           T9712



The Attorney General said with dismay,                      
"Now I've something important to say!                       
This dirty rag that you send                                
From here to Land's End,                                    
Should not even be legal today!"                            
                                                            
 2128 ART - CRITICS                  Ken                      



Here's to those who take pokes                              
At the writing of other folk's jokes.                       
May the fires down in Hell                                  
Be stoked up quite well.                                    
But how will you ever take notes?                           
                                                            
 2129 ART - CRITICS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Some guy who is really smart                                
Tried to show me his art.                                   
Alas, I'm too lazy,                                         
Or maybe too crazy,                                         
To take all his words to my heart.                          
                                                            
 2130 ART - CRITICS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A painter, unencumbered by cash,                            
Said, "It's time to be making a splash.                     
I can paint, if I care,                                     
Things to startle and scare,                                
Though I'm fully aware they are trash."                     
                                                            
 2131 ART - CRITICS                  Thomas Thorneley         



At last!  Here's a non-lying blurb                          
From an honest blurb writer named Herb:                     
"The plot's not so hot...                                   
The whole book is pure rot...                               
But for wiping your arse, it's superb."                     
                                                            
 2132 ART - CRITICS                  Michael Weinstein   P0211



There is a young girl apart                                 
From the Santa Fe cultural mart.                            
It's hard to conceive                                       
What she's got up he sleeve:                                
She wears rubber and calls herself art.                     
                                                            
 2133 ART - CRITICS                  Linda Monacelli     P9802



I wonder what constitutes art?                              
What's the essence that sets it apart                       
From the everyday norm?                                     
Is it figure or form                                        
Or just something that tugs at the heart?                   
                                                            
 2134 ART - CRITICS                  Peter Wilkins            



The bloodcurdling cry of bloodhounds;                       
It is art, or maybe the sounds                              
Of bowling balls striking,                                  
Are more to your liking;                                    
The comical bumbling of clowns?                             
                                                            
 2135 ART - CRITICS                  Matthew Montchalin       



The line between art and lust,                              
Is narrow; I hopefully trust                                
Your thoughts are ethereal,                                 
Beyond the material                                         
That covers those curves and that bust.                     
                                                            
 2136 ART - CRITICS                  Tiddy                    



This beekeeping fellow from Boulder                         
Kept records of bees in a folder.                           
He made up a graph,                                         
Then started to laugh,                                      
Finding art in the eye of bee holder.                       
                                                            
 2137 ART - CRITICS                  Liam na Beag             



There is a young artist named Whistler,                     
Who in every respect is a bristler.                         
A tube of white lead                                        
Or a punch in the head                                      
Comes equally handy to Whistler                             
                                                            
 2138 ART - CRITICS                  Dante G. Rossetti        



An authoress, armed with a skewer,                          
Once hunted a hostile reviewer.                             
"I'll teach him", she cried,                                
"When I've punctured his hide,                              
To call my last novel, too pure."                           
                                                            
 2139 ART - CRITICS                  Anon                 PPLB



When sipping away at your scotch,                           
Your meter and rhythm you botch.                            
Your rhymes are OK                                          
But permit me to say,                                       
I could write better stuff with my crotch.                  
                                                            
 2140 ART - CRITICS                  Ed Randolf               



Every Chanukah, Yossel Perutz                               
Gets an urge to exhibit his putz.                           
While the Klesmer band plays,                               
He just wiggles and sways                                   
To the beat. This drives all the girls nuts.                
                                                            
 2141 ART - DANCE                    Joel Cohen               



Dancing instructor, Miss Black,                             
Took a sailor, one night, to her sack.                      
When queried, "Romancing?"                                  
She said, "No, we're dancing.                               
This step is called Balling the Jack."                      
                                                            
 2142 ART - DANCE                    Bob Giandomenico    P9206



A lass who swore she could dance,                           
Went out while wearing the wrong pants.                     
Gentlemen gave her a twirl,                                 
This silly old girl;                                        
Now she's banned from the South of France.                  
                                                            
 2143 ART - DANCE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Among the social indiscreets                                
Are Can-Can girls exposing their seats.                     
And though immodest they,                                   
And "Up Yours" seem to say,                                 
The men keep begging for repeats.                           
                                                            
 2144 ART - DANCE                    Irving Superior     P9804



A Victorian gent said, "This dance,                         
The can-can, which we got from France,                      
Fills me with disgust,                                      
It generates lust,                                          
You should see it while you have the chance.                
                                                            
 2145 ART - DANCE                    Frank Richards           



There was a young woman named Sue,                          
Who danced in a bawdy review.                               
With her naughty cancan,                                    
She could snare any man;                                    
So of husbands, she's had quite a few.                      
(some she even married - McW)                               
 2146 ART - DANCE                    Warrick Eldon            



There was an old soldier from France                        
Who asked a young hippie to dance.                          
But whilst do the cancan                                    
His glass eye fell out, man,                                
And shattered all hope of romance.                          
                                                            
 2147 ART - DANCE                    Funfax Limericks         



What causes dear ladies to smile,                           
Is thought in their heads, all the while,                   
To get chance to bunk                                       
With a writhing hunk,                                       
Named after a furniture style.                              
                                                            
 2148 ART - DANCE                    Chris Papa               



There was a young fellow from Ongar,                        
Who had to be barred from the Conga.                        
The heat of the dance                                       
Made his trousers advance,                                  
As the Conga got longer and longer.                         
                                                            
 2149 ART - DANCE                                             



A Mexican dancer called Fritz                               
Said that he could do the splits.                           
But when he let rip                                         
He busted his zip,                                          
And shook his maracas to bits.                              
                                                            
 2150 ART - DANCE                    Funfax Limericks         



There was a promoter named Hugh,                            
Who promoted a dance called The Screw.                      
Disco by disco,                                             
From New York to Frisco,                                    
He made it the in-thing to do.                              
                                                            
 2151 ART - DANCE                    John Ciardi              



A young go-go dancer named Briscoe,                         
Just loved to show off at the disco.                        
Once she danced the can-can,                                
While eating a SPAM,                                        
All the way from Las Vegas to Frisco.                       
                                                            
 2152 ART - DANCE                    Mike O'Conner            



There once was a fellow from Turkey                         
Whose motives were misty and murky.                         
For a girl who was curvish,                                 
He'd dance like a dervish,                                  
With entrechats quirkly jerky.                              
                                                            
 2153 ART - DANCE                    Norm Storer         P9606



A circus-mad girl from Montreux                             
Learned classical dance peu a peu,                          
And the tutor felt sure                                     
She'd be quite demure                                       
When working a faux-pas de deux.                            
                                                            
 2154 ART - DANCE                    Bill Backe-Hansen   P8711



Firm holiday party's tonight!                               
I'll go and I'll enjoy the sight                            
Of lawyers and wives                                        
Discussing their lives                                      
While I hide in corners in fright.                          
                                                            
 2155 ART - DANCE                    Marty                    



My party was held Friday night,                             
That fantastic trip I did light.                            
Stayed on the dance floor                                   
And still asked for more                                    
Watching me was a wonderful sight.                          
                                                            
 2156 ART - DANCE                    Arden                    



Three gentlemen partners I had;                             
Not one of them's dancing was bad.                          
From Meringe to twist,                                      
Not one tune was missed.                                    
Exhausted I was, just a tad.                                
                                                            
 2157 ART - DANCE                    Arden                    



A gymnast who won many prizes                               
Flexible limbs had erotic suprises.                         
Though renowned in the sack,                                
When flat on her back                                       
Won high marks for floor exercises.                         
                                                            
 2158 ART - DANCE                    Lanark                   



A mademoiselle in Paris, France,                            
Engaged in a wild Apache dance.                             
She was thrown 'cross the floor,                            
Slid right through the door,                                
And landed somewhere in Provence!                           
                                                            
 2159 ART - DANCE                    Warrick Elrod            



I once knew a girl named Ophelia;                           
She would guzzle ten shots of tequila.                      
Then she'd line up the boys,                                
Tell them to get poised.                                    
And then launch into "Hava Nagila!"                         
                                                            
 2160 ART - DANCE                    Samuel T Sterns          



A dancer, a bit past her prime,                             
Thought onset of stiffness a crime.                         
She accepted her fate                                       
When a supple young date                                    
Said her bed-i-ly moves were sublime.                       
                                                            
 2161 ART - DANCE                    Macsam                   



The art of the old Highland Reel                            
Is to spin around on your left heel.                        
Then you waggle your dirk                                   
With a bit of a smirk.                                      
At least those are my grounds for appeal.                   
                                                            
 2162 ART - DANCE                    Bill Wall                



Right foot! lef foot! Hop light Loo,                        
Here am a fuss--dere am a muss! What am a nig to do?        
Down de middle an' back again --                            
Keep de sugar out o' de rain,                               
Mind de aigs up de floor an'--hop light, Loo!               
(from Virginibus Puerisque: A Second Rate Farce)            
 2163 ART - DANCE                    Rudyard Kipling     P8903



So you like to dance, don'tcha know,                        
We'll put on one helluva show.                              
A two step is fine,                                         
But lets not waste time.                                    
I prefer the horizontal tango.                              
                                                            
 2164 ART - DANCE                                             



A buxom young beauty named Beulah                           
Each night entertained with a hula:                         
'Twas rather risque                                         
In a mild sort of way,                                      
But she made quite a bundle of moola.                       
                                                            
 2165 ART - DANCE                    Linda Marsh Coll         



A young hula dancer named Blake,                            
Was caught in LA in a quake.                                
She said, "I was frightened,                                
But my dance style, it heightened;                          
I learned sixteen new ways to shake."                       
                                                            
 2166 ART - DANCE                                             



Hawaii girls are worth many a dollar;                       
For them the white boys all holler.                         
A sweet little honey                                        
Was Liliukalani,                                            
But I love Kekuhikuhipuuonneonaaliiokohala.                 
(Keku.- Dr. Edith K-- authority on the hula, Univ of Hawaii)
 2167 ART - DANCE                    Ed Wolfert          P8208



A great hula dancer named Nelly                             
Could shimmy and shake just like jelly.                     
In part, 'twas because                                      
She'd laugh like Santa Claus,                               
And both had the same kind of belly.                        
                                                            
 2168 ART - DANCE                    Warrick Elrod            



There was a young girl of Missoula                          
Whose Lothario thought he could fool her,                   
As he moistened her lips,                                   
Undulated her hips,                                         
Just to teach her (he said) how to hula.                    
                                                            
 2169 ART - DANCE                    Keith MacMillan     A074B



There was a young lady named Jansen,                        
Whose Ma said, "I don't mind romancin'.                     
You're young.  Have your fling.                             
But remember one thing:                                     
When you stay out all night, keep on dancin'."              
                                                            
 2170 ART - DANCE                    John Ciardi              



A lady just asked him to dance                              
As she gazed at the bulge in his pants.                     
Embarrassed he frets                                        
Then cooled his jets,                                       
When she helloed, said my name is Lance.                    
                                                            
 2171 ART - DANCE                                             



The showgirls were taking a rest;                           
Their leader then made a request.                           
(With tongue in cheek)                                      
"Line up cheek to cheek,                                    
And then leave the stage two-abreast."                      
                                                            
 2172 ART - DANCE                    Al Willis           P9708



John Francis Aloysius St Clair,                             
Thought himself as another Astaire.                         
His name up in lights;                                      
One of Soho's new sights;                                   
With his long name, he heats up the air!                    
                                                            
 2173 ART - DANCE                    Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young tinker of Turkey,                         
Whose rhythm at diddling was jerky.                         
At six-eight and four-four,                                 
He was good, and no more,                                   
But he really was great at mazurky.                         
                                                            
 2174 ART - DANCE                                        L1551



There was a young lady named Dawes,                         
Went out to a dance without gloves;                         
Her ma said: "Amelia!                                       
Should anyone feel ya,                                      
He'll take you for one of them whores!"                     
                                                            
 2175 ART - DANCE                                             



On a diet to cure him of gripes,                            
A priest ate the ripest of tripes,                          
Which altered him oddly.                                    
He was no longer godly,                                     
But a sprite who danced playing the pipes.                  
                                                            
 2176 ART - DANCE                    Espygrams           P8410



An insatiable satyr named Bruce                             
Likes his women delightfully loose.                         
He finds them out dancing,                                  
And twisting and prancing,                                  
And puts them to very good use.                             
                                                            
 2177 ART - DANCE                                        G0026



There was an exhuberant 'coon',                             
Who invented a horrible tune                                
For a horrible dance,                                       
Which suggested the prance                                  
Of a half-epileptic baboon.                                 
                                                            
 2178 ART - DANCE                    Punch 1919 (Bibby)       



There was a young girl from Darjeeling,                     
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling,                
Not a murmur was heard,         (There was never a sound)   
Not a sound, not a word,        (For miles around)          
But fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.                        
                                                            
 2179 ART - DANCE                                        L0285



A lady who read Sigmund Freud                               
Thought her genitals underemployed.                         
So she put in a stand                                       
For the seven-piece band,                                   
And held dances that we all enjoyed.                        
                                                            
 2180 ART - DANCE                                             



To a lady whose walk didn't make it,                        
He said, "You're a dancer, I take it?"                      
But he was a gent,                                          
What the guy really meant:                                  
"Just shake it a bit, you won't break it."                  
                                                            
 2181 ART - DANCE                    Norm Storer              



A Russian of twenty-two years                               
Teaching ballet, reduces to tears                           
All those girls with no flair                               
For the Steppes by declar-                                  
Ing "Urals oh pathetic, my dears."                          
                                                            
 2182 ART - DANCE                    Peter Wilkins            



Here's a slogan which didn't entrance                       
Many folks and most glanced it askance.                     
Conceived with a snicker                                    
My old bumper sticker                                       
Simply read, "Help stamp out Riverdance."                   
                                                            
 2183 ART - DANCE                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0012



I'm sure this is truly romance,                             
For whenever the tango we dance,                            
I feel full of emotion,                                     
Despite the commotion                                       
Occurring below in my pants.                                
                                                            
 2184 ART - DANCE                                             



My body feels flushed, yes it's true,                       
When being held tightly by you.                             
Hot breath on my cheek,                                     
At my cleavage you peek,                                    
The Tango's a musical screw.                                
                                                            
 2185 ART - DANCE                    Anon                     



Terpsichore's dance scored a hit                            
With the media who reviewed it                              
As a wild expose,                                           
Which was headlined this way:                               
"Topless Down in the Bottomless Pit!"                       
                                                            
 2186 ART - DANCE                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



There is music galore in my soul,                           
But at dancing I'm simply a troll.                          
I cannot foxtrot                                            
Or do the gavotte,                                          
And when others are rocking, I roll.                        
                                                            
 2187 ART - DANCE                                        P8302



A danseuse named Irma McPower                               
Sang Gregorian chants in the shower.                        
While applying the soap,                                    
She would think of the Pope                                 
In his birthday suit, holding a flower.                     
                                                            
 2188 ART - DANCE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Out on the dance floor, got an itch.                        
Couldn't scratch so I started to twitch.                    
The gal I escorted                                          
Followed and contorted --                                   
The trophy on the mantle now sits.                          
                                                            
 2189 ART - DANCE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



An exotic young lady quite kooky,                           
Once danced in a troupe of Kabuki.                          
When asked for a fuck,                                      
She said, "Sorry, no luck:                                  
I've got ants in my pants, but no nooky."                   
                                                            
 2190 ART - DANCE                                        G2703



There was a young fellow named List                         
Who seized a young girl by the wrist.                       
She said, cease and desist,                                 
But she could not resist,                                   
And she learned of a new way to twist.                      
(twist - type of dance 1960's)                              
 2191 ART - DANCE                    Albin Chaplin            



There was a young person of France                          
Who had never attended a dance;                             
When he did so at last,                                     
He said, "Dammit and Blast!"                                
Which was looked upon rather askance.                       
                                                            
 2192 ART - DANCE                                             



The noted philosopher, Drew,                                
Two dancers observed in a stew.                             
His studied conclusion;                                     
Although not quite a fusion,                                
A dance is a vertical screw.                                
                                                            
 2193 ART - DANCE                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1849



There once was a woman named Shirley,                       
Whom everybody thought of as squirrelly.                    
She danced on her toes,                                     
With a ring in her nose;                                    
Had a liking for men who were burly.                        
                                                            
 2194 ART - DANCE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



I always enjoy dancing the samba,                           
Whilst coiling my hand 'round a mamba.                      
Gently I'll pull                                            
Upon the stiff tool,                                        
Before doing a little wham-bamba.                           
                                                            
 2195 ART - DANCE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old woman in France                            
Who really had ants in her pants,                           
But when she would wriggle,                                 
Her friends would all giggle                                
And think it some new kind of dance.                        
                                                            
 2196 ART - DANCE                    Warrick Elrod            



The Russian ballet master, Boris,                           
A hero of show business lore is.                            
His schedule was tight                                      
But by opening night,                                       
He screwed every girl in the chorus.                        
                                                            
 2197 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Arnie Shoenbrun     P0212



A young ballerina named Laverne,                            
Has a boyfriend who goes for the stern.                     
Her tutu he'll rustle                                       
For the alimentary muscle;                                  
A "grand jete" will give her a burn.                        
                                                            
 2198 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Bruce Thompson           



There was a young cashier of Calais,                        
Whose accounts, when reviewed, wouldn't tally.              
Soon his chief smalled a rat,                               
For he'd furnished a flat                                   
And was seen every night at the ballet.                     
                                                            
 2199 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Glimerick Book      P9307



The premier danseur of Calais                               
Was carried completely away                                 
As he screwed Wilhelmina,                                   
The renowned ballerina,                                     
While performing the Swan Lake ballet.                      
                                                            
 2200 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Albin Chaplin   3024-0075



Said the dancer, "Oh, golly, I wish m'cough                 
Didn't make everyone out here pish n'scoff,                 
But in the spotlight                                        
My tights are so tight                                      
That they jack the great pole of Baryshnikov.               
                                                            
 2201 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Judson Jerome       P8804



The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy                           
Performed by Big Bertha is scary;                           
The corps de ballet                                         
Keeps some distance away,                                   
For her boobs tend to catch the unwary.                     
                                                            
 2202 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



When leaping, the audience shudders;                        
On landing, the theatre judders;                            
But shutting one's eyes                                     
Is considered unwise,                                       
On account of the bounce of her udders.                     
                                                            
 2203 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



But when bedward with her retiring,                         
She'll straddle and pump you untiring,                      
And the feel of those jugs                                  
Surrounding you mug's                                       
Pure heaven, until you're expiring.                         
                                                            
 2204 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Tiddy Ogg                



I hope I shall meet my demise                               
'Twixt heavenly jugs of the size                            
Of Bertha's; if not,                                        
I shall muff-dive her twat                                  
And get blissfully crushed 'tween her thighs.               
                                                            
 2205 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



A dancer of ballet called Joe,                              
Was so under-developed below,                               
That on matinee nights,                                     
He would stuff down his tights                              
A courgette and two melons for show.                        
                                                            
 2206 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



A retired ballerina named Gwen                              
Took up her vocation again,                                 
But her technique had gone                                  
And her famed 'Dying Swan'                                  
Expired like a rather sick hen.                             
                                                            
 2207 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Ron Rubin                



A young ballerina named Ann                                 
Danced like a soft feathery fan;                            
But when she leaped and rose,                               
She'd land, not on her toes,                                
But smack on her pink tutu-ed can!                          
                                                            
 2208 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Evelyn Bogen        P9404



I wanted to dance in Coppelia                               
In the corps de ballet de l'Australia;                      
I looked good in my tutu,                                   
But they turned me down, due to                             
It's revealing my male paraphernalia.                       
                                                            
 2209 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Robin K. Willoughby P8611



The ballerina tripped on to the stage;                      
On her face there were traces of rage.                      
She works many hours                                        
For bunches of flowers,                                     
But she can't get a raise in her wage.                      
                                                            
 2210 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a dancer named Harry,                        
And the boys are just what made him merry.                  
He would dance, Christmas Day,                              
The Nutcracker Ballet,                                      
In the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy.                        
                                                            
 2211 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Mary;                          
On her feet she was light as a fairy.                       
She developed her flair                                     
For toe dancing on air,                                     
And at times it could be rather scary.                      
                                                            
 2212 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Warrick Elrod            



Performing a ballet, young Chris                            
Had to lift up a sweet little miss;                         
With his face and his nose                                  
Up her tutu, his hose                                       
Split his tights with a glorious HISSSSSSS!                 
                                                            
 2213 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



The audience cheered as he spun                             
Her around on the tip of his tongue;                        
And the orcheestra too                                      
Stood to better their view,                                 
While the critics said "Ballet good fun."                   
                                                            
 2214 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



They bowed at the finish politely,                          
While Chris held her buttocks real tightly,                 
And finished her off                                        
With a doggy-style boff --                                  
A performance repeated twice nightly.                       
                                                            
 2215 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



In a large ballet troupe, since the crew                    
Has learned that a dancer named Drew                        
Is the father of twins,                                     
Why is he all grins?                                        
They've nicknamed the guy 'pas de deux'.                    
                                                            
 2216 ART - DANCE - BALLET           A. N. Wilkins       P8508



Joe dated a young ballerina                                 
Who's muscles just couldn't be leana;                       
She did a ciseaux                                           
On the balls of her beau,                                   
He calls himself now Josephina.                             
                                                            
 2217 ART - DANCE - BALLET                                    



There was a young dancer called Page                        
Whose entrechat was all the rage.                           
Once, not quite awake,                                      
When doing Swan Lake,                                       
He drilled himself into the stage.                          
                                                            
 2218 ART - DANCE - BALLET                                    



P Tchaikovsky's young Prince, a royal flake,                
Who had also gained fame as a rake,                         
Asked both swans, Black and White,                          
"Won't you join me tonight                                  
For a menage a trois in Swan Lake?"                         
                                                            
 2219 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



While playing the duck in Swan Lake,                        
I made a terrific mistake.                                  
The Queen's costume I tore                                  
And it fell to the floor,                                   
Leaving her toatally nake(d),                               
                                                            
 2220 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Tiddy Ogg                



Young Randy quit lumberjack school                          
To learn ballet (the bally young fool).                     
He was light on his feet                                    
And his tutu was sweet,                                     
But his tights were too tight for his tulle.                
                                                            
 2221 ART - DANCE - BALLET                                    



Ballerinas would swoon at his bulge;                        
Then they'd beg for a chance to indulge                     
In dancing Swan Lake,                                       
So that they could take.                                    
A ride on his...(I can't divulge).                          
                                                            
 2222 ART - DANCE - BALLET                                    



I went to the ballet one day                                
To try broadening my mind in a way,                         
But I have to admit                                         
I didn't like it a bit,                                     
All that dancing and prancing affray.                       
                                                            
 2223 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



No wonder us geezers all laffeta;                           
We've never seen anything daffeta                           
Than huge buxom Mary                                        
As sugar plum fairy,                                        
In wellies and tutu of taffeta.                             
                                                            
 2224 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Peter Wilkins            



The vision of Mary in tutu,                                 
Is really a little bit too-too.                             
But it's better by far                                      
That she reach for a star,                                  
Even though we now think she is coo-coo.                    
                                                            
 2225 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Cyd                      



While dating a young ballerina,                             
She convulsed like a laughing hyena,                        
At the puny projection                                      
Of my throbbing erection,                                   
And asked if my wife was Loreena.                           
                                                            
 2226 ART - DANCE - BALLET           Hugh Clary               



A young bellydancer named Jean                              
Does an act that is strangely obscene:                      
With her well-trained appendix                              
She will do about tentrix,                                  
While rhythmically writhing her spleen.                     
                                                            
 2227 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Norm Storer              



There was a nude dancer from Delhi                          
Who did some great things with her belly.                   
Her pelvic gyrations,                                       
The toast of twelve nations,                                
Would turn a man's morals to jelly.                         
                                                            
 2228 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Armand E Singer        63



Some years ago, 'fore I got old,                            
My action were somewhat more bold.                          
I took a night class                                        
To tone up my ass;                                          
On the belly dance, I was sold.                             
                                                            
 2229 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



I learned to dance with the frills                          
And to keep time with finger zils.                          
I'd do a hip-lift                                           
With tinkling riff;                                         
It was fun and gave me some thrills.                        
                                                            
 2230 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



Did camel forward, camel back,                              
My belly dance style had no lack.                           
I can roll my belly                                         
And shimmy like jelly.                                      
Don't laugh or I'll give you a smack!                       
                                                            
 2231 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



The day that I turned twenty-five,                          
I belly danced at a night club, LIVE!                       
My classy veil work                                         
Caused one half-drunk jerk                                  
To act like he was in some dive.                            
                                                            
 2232 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



He wanted to give me a dollar.                              
The minute he started to holler,                            
"Hey, take it off, chick!"                                  
He was grabbed right quick.                                 
He certainly was no dance scholar.                          
                                                            
 2233 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



Though belly dance and strip tease                          
Are both calculated to please,                              
A belly dancer is dressed                                   
And she does not divest                                     
Herself of her clothes or she'd freeze.                     
                                                            
 2234 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



I still do dance for exercise,                              
But, always avoid prying eyes.                              
I still wear my gear                                        
(It's tight in the rear);                                   
I do not inspire deep sighs.                                
                                                            
 2235 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



All I have said here is true,                               
Lest you think that I am kidding you.                       
If you will stay calm,                                      
You can ask my mom.                                         
The pictures I have prove it too.                           
                                                            
 2236 ART - DANCE - BELLY            MARLENE                  



Your tale takes me back to before                           
And the first belly dancer I saw,                           
She was just so exotic,                                     
So subtly erotic,                                           
Like I'd never been turned on before.                       
                                                            
 2237 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Mike                     



She was older than me, it is true;                          
I was only a mere twenty-two.                               
But with movement and dance                                 
And with gestures and glance,                               
The desires she awoke grew and grew.                        
                                                            
 2238 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Mike                     



So I'll always remember that night                          
When desire arose to new height.                            
And I hope that you will                                    
Keep up your dancing skill,                                 
And post one small photo, alright!                          
                                                            
 2239 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Mike                     



A belly-dancer hot from Jakarta,                            
Went back to her old Alma Mater.                            
She kept the school waiting                                 
To see her gyrating,                                        
When somebody pressed her self-starter.                     
                                                            
 2240 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Bill Wall                



The eastern music drums deliver                             
The rhythm as she shimmies nearer,                          
Enticing, her every move,                                   
Her femininity proved;                                      
Her dance will still make you shiver.                       
                                                            
 2241 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Azul                     



She glides and flows 'round the room,                       
Dancing to that haunting tune.                              
With veils that hide                                        
And then they slide,                                        
You'll be entranced and consumed.                           
                                                            
 2242 ART - DANCE - BELLY            Azul                     



A stripper named Baltimore Bess                             
Admits to occasional stress;                                
Despite her real passion                                    
For clothes of high fashion,                                
She's got to undress for success.                           
                                                            
 2243 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Norm Storer         P9812



Said the stripper, "I'll wear this small patch              
Over here and these stars, which don't match,               
I'll wear over these,                                       
The sheriff to please."                                     
It seems that he had BANDERSNATCH.                          
                                                            
 2244 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Eva Amata                



Lady Harriet Harrowby Hinds                                 
Did a dance that befoggled men's minds.                     
Her body gyration                                           
Exalted the nation                                          
And flags flew when she did bumps and grinds.               
                                                            
 2245 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Warrick Elrod            



"Big Bertha!" the microphone wails;                         
And everyone cringes and quails,                            
As forward she skips                                        
Like a walrus and strips                                    
To the dance of the 92 veils.                               
                                                            
 2246 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Peter Wilkins            



And as she's removing her last,                             
The audience watches aghast;                                
They cannot believe                                         
That a daughter of Eve                                      
Can be so impossibly vast.                                  
                                                            
 2247 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Peter Wilkins            



The spotlight technician then spun                          
The spotlight to shine on her bum.                          
Then yelled, "Not the moon                                  
Could cover that poon                                       
Or ass -- nor the high noonday sun!"                        
                                                            
 2248 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Travis Brasell           



Reminds me of Fred's sister Mabel,                          
Who dances that way, and she's able                         
With one pirouette,                                         
To get customers wet,                                       
As her tits sweep glasses from the table.                   
                                                            
 2249 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady from Odium,                          
Who stripped when she danced on the podium.                 
She did it so well,                                         
That when her pants fell,                                   
The fellows all fizzed like wet sodium.                     
                                                            
 2250 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Tiddy                    



The College of Arms of Oman,                                
Ennobled a lowly-born man,                                  
Because (we are told),                                      
He handed out gold,                                         
And slave girls who danced with a fan.                      
                                                            
 2251 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



Gypsy Rose tried to play the guitar                         
While she stripped on the stage as a star.                  
With each thrust she would sing                             
'Till she broke her G-string,                               
And was forced just to dance titular.                       
                                                            
 2252 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



Chronic blockage, it's cause not defined,                   
Had a stripper's routine undermined;                        
Made for excessive bloat,                                   
Which did much to promote,                                  
Strong reproach for her old grump and bind.                 
                                                            
 2253 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Bob Giandomenico         



An ODEUM, once picturesque,                                 
Housed an art form which was called "burlesque".            
The songs had poor staging,                                 
The skits were outraging,                                   
While ladies were all statuesque.                           
                                                            
 2254 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Chris Papa               



A big busty stripper named Lyn                              
Arouses orignal sin.                                        
She's surely the busiest                                    
Most sexy ecdysiast                                         
Who ever peeled down to the skin.                           
                                                            
 2255 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       247



Said a busty young stripper from Perth,                     
"Since my breasts have such generous girth,                 
Men pay dearly to see,                                      
So they're "cash cows" to me,                               
And I'll milk them for all that they're worth."             
                                                            
 2256 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Jerry Nordhal       P0001



Said an elegant, well-built young stripper                  
To a mean parsimonious tipper,                              
"If you offer two-bits                                      
For a sight of my tits,                                     
You can bet I won't pull down the zipper.                   
                                                            
 2257 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Isaac Asimov             



An old stripper from East of Dijon                          
Just refused to believe youth had gone.                     
When her clothes hit the floor,                             
So did every man's jaw,                                     
But they cheered when she put them back on.                 
                                                            
 2258 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        David Axton              



A young striptease artist named Gay                         
Was indicted for tax fraud one day.                         
For while in arrears,                                       
She had for some years                                      
Been concealing her assets, they say.                       
                                                            
 2259 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        A N Wilkins         P0211



A stripper I met in Manila,                                 
Had a talent that wasn't "vanilla".                         
Without using a hand,                                       
But by flicking a gland,                                    
She could out-type a well-trained gorilla.                  
                                                            
 2260 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



A professional dancer, Miss Fairley,                        
Was hauled into court, fair and squarely.                   
Asked "Did you dance lewdly?                                
Seductively? Nudely?                                        
Said, "No, yes, no, well yes, barely."                      
                                                            
 2261 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Laurence Perrine    P8812



A stripper who came from Regina                             
Would reject all attempts to refine her,                    
Like the time in Glace Bay,                                 
With a gutsy, "Hey Hey!"                                    
She displayed, I'm afraid, her vagina.                      
                                                            
 2262 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Keith MacMillan       84d



Once a Burlesque star named Doris                           
Had a big double-jointed clitoris.                          
She would lay on her back                                   
And wiggle her crack,                                       
As all the men hooted in chorus.                            
                                                            
 2263 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl named Patrice                        
Who raised hell throughout all ancient Greece.              
Since she was an ecdysiast,                                 
She was kept busy-assed                                     
By males of the Peloponnese.                                
                                                            
 2264 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Ellie Howland       P8903



A stripper who danced at the Strand,                        
Found herself very much in demand.                          
Being amply endowed,                                        
Had the crowd wholly wowed,                                 
For her entrance enjoyed a warm hand.                       
                                                            
 2265 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Bob Giandomenico    P9806



There was a fan-dancer of Cannes,                           
Who developed an excellent plan,                            
For a lecherous dance                                       
Without any pants,                                          
And some very big holes in her fan.                         
                                                            
 2266 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Isaac Asimov             



An exotic young dancer named Fran                           
Performed her nude dance with a fan.                        
One evening she tripped;                                    
As she did, her fan slipped.                                
And the cops hauled her off to the can.                     
                                                            
 2267 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Popsicle           TP9807



There was a young lady named Ann                            
Who covered her charms with a fan.                          
If you tried very hard,                                     
She'd lower her guard                                       
And allow you to do more than scan.                         
                                                            
 2268 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Neal Wilgus         P8208



If you're called by a lovely fan danther,                   
Who has read Miller's Tropic of Canther,                    
Forget the G-string,                                        
And let the phone ring.                                     
Ogden Nash thinks that you shouldn't anther.                
                                                            
 2269 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Jim Weaver Collection    



Lady Patricia Palmerson Pugh                                
Was bored by tea parties in Kew;                            
So each night in Soho                                       
In a dive that was low,                                     
She'd appear as Miss Fanny Foo-Foo.                         
                                                            
 2270 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Warrick Elrod            



For cheering up nervous young grooms,                       
This stag-party dancer wears plumes.                        
She does a ballet,                                          
Then yells, "Feathers away!"                                
And sings while she swings her bazooms.                     
                                                            
 2271 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Norm Storer              



A honky-tonk stripper from Fairbanks                        
Showed customers acres of bare flanks;                      
But we have to be blunt;                                    
Largely sated with cunt,                                    
They slipped her few dollars and rare thanks.               
                                                            
 2272 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer     P0202



No dancer, the buxom Miss Treadwell,                        
However, her clothes she does shed well.                    
Her bumps and her grinds                                    
Doth boggle men's minds,                                    
So she fits in at the famous Club Med well.                 
                                                            
 2273 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        John K. Roberts     P9212



A fan dancer, candid and canny,                             
Announced she'd become a new granny.                        
Her Boss, Danny, canned her,                                
Which got up her dander.                                    
So Granny flashed Danny her fanny.                          
                                                            
 2274 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Irene Livingston         



Two strippers now dancing at Danny's,                       
Weep buckets when showing their fannies;                    
The joy they've discovered                                  
In being uncovered,                                         
Brings tears to these former Afghanis!                      
                                                            
 2275 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



Fan dancers, those svelt sisters Kerrs,                     
Far famed for their generous furze;                         
When they'd doff all their clothes,                         
Both your eyes simply froze:                                
A heavenly vision that stirs.                               
                                                            
 2276 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand Singer       P0310



A burley-cue patron named Jimmy                             
Reached out toward the stage and begged, "Gimme;            
Don't taunt me and flaunt it,                               
Goddamnit, I want it!                                       
I cream in my pants when you shimmy."                       
                                                            
 2277 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       464



This sex stripteaser Lucetta --                             
First thing, she would peel off her sweater,                
Then pull down her panties,                                 
Or what she called scanties:                                
Her act got progressively better.                           
                                                            
 2278 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       590



To tailors, a stripper's appealing                          
When she is intently a-peeling;                             
This audience grooves                                       
On what she removes,                                        
And not on what she is revealing.                           
                                                            
 2279 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Norm Storer         P9812



Lolita La Paz is a stripper;                                
She has a deep fear of the zipper.                          
As a minor concession                                       
To her lurid profession,                                    
Velcro replaces the need for that gripper!                  
                                                            
 2280 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Arthur Pattaffy          



A stripteuse with tits rimmed in Neon                       
Said, "Wigglin' 'em heats the hot peon.                     
For the view of nude flesh                                  
Makes the fellas come fresh...                              
Then it's me he starts hoping to BE on!"                    
                                                            
 2281 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Grand Prix Lim  884      



A stripper whose name was Burnt Umber,                      
Woke a judge from judical slumber,                          
Who intoned "Thirty days                                    
For your indiscreet ways."                                  
But on the way out, took her number.                        
                                                            
 2282 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Lims for the John   P9708



If she seldom leaves hearts palpitating,                    
She still earns a number one rating.                        
Her seductive strip-tease                                   
Leaves one weak in the knees.                               
It's hip-notic, ass-tute, tit-ivating.                      
                                                            
 2283 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Laurence Perrine    P9206



Said a sexy strip teaser named Karen,                       
"Course I peel so's to keep the men starin'.                
It's not how you dress                                      
That makes for success,                                     
It's how you remove what you're wearin'!"                   
                                                            
 2284 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       388



The music appealed to young Lancet;                         
He asked if his lady could dance it.                        
She danced that and some more                               
For the length of the floor,                                
So he screwed the young lady in transit.                    
                                                            
 2285 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Albin Chaplin   3024-0237



Jack had problems of great complication                     
He desponded from this aggravation.                         
But a lady so shrewd                                        
Got Jack off his grave mood,                                
With a strip tease that gave Jack elation.                  
                                                            
 2286 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Albin Chaplin            



A striptease from Secaucus                                  
Was blessed with enormous knockus.                          
When she lowered her drawers,                               
There were storms of applause                               
And the audience grew quite raucous.                        
                                                            
 2287 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Jim Jambor          P9106



When I strip, it is never to tease,                         
For frustrations I wish to relieve.                         
When I'm done with my dance                                 
If given the chance,                                        
I take steps to fulfill and to please...                    
                                                            
 2288 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



The tailor removed a large swatch                           
Of cloth from her shorts, at the crotch.                    
Her job as a stripper                                       
Displayed "Little Nipper,"                                  
And the view, I would say, was topnotch.                    
                                                            
 2289 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Al Willis           T9710



She sang and she danced and she skipped                     
And she let attire come unzipped                            
And she came quite unwrapped                                
And the audience clapped                                    
And some of the men almost flipped.                         
(polysyndeton)                                              
 2290 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Norm Storer         P9603



Advice from a wife and ex-stripper,                         
"You ask why my man looks so chipper?                       
Like sex, food's an art;                                    
To reach a man's heart,                                     
Go straight to his mouth or his zipper."                    
                                                            
 2291 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       894



Young Anna-Maria-Christina                                  
Of Bosnia-Herzegovena                                       
Or somewhere not flat,                                      
(Her bust is like that).                                    
She's really a stripper named Tina.                         
                                                            
 2292 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Marlene Lewis            



There once was a daring young stripper,                     
And a young man decided to flip her.                        
He thought he would kiss her                                
Right smack on the pisser,                                  
But his necktie got caught in her zipper!                   
                                                            
 2293 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                            G0912



A sweet go-go dancer named Heather,                         
Whose contract read, "no altogether,"                       
Displayed little skin                                       
From navel to chin --                                       
I can't say as much for parts nether.                       
                                                            
 2294 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       446



Whenever we sailed to Piraeus,                              
The nightclub girls wouldn't dismaeus.                      
As well you might know,                                     
If there you should go,                                     
To watch as they stripped on the daeus.                     
                                                            
 2295 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Tiddy Ogg                



Performers at folk clubs like Dante's,                      
Sing work songs and ballads and shanties.                   
Then young Suzie Hales                                      
Does that dance, seven veils,                               
And ends up on stage with no panties.                       
                                                            
 2296 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Tiddy Ogg                



And that, I would bet, brings some cheers.                  
Yet at gents clubs while drinking beers,                    
I think you will find                                       
The blue collared kind,                                     
Will greet singing gals just with jeers.                    
                                                            
 2297 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young man from Newcastle,                       
Who once tried a stripper to wrassle.                       
But she was so greased,                                     
That the horny young beast                                  
Grabbed nothing but a lonely tit tassle.                    
                                                            
 2298 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Tiddy Ogg                



A sensuous stripper named Heald                             
Took pride in the way that she peeled;                      
Her torrid gyrations                                        
Thrilled sovereign nations,                                 
Outclassing the rest of the field.                          
                                                            
 2299 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       755



A shrewed stripper named Miss Isadore,                      
Became wealthy from stripping and more.                     
Her sultry fan dance,                                       
Made men come in their pants,                               
And she owned the one dry cleaning store.                   
                                                            
 2300 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Curt                     



There once was a stripper who stripped                      
Until she was barely equipped.                              
She said with chagrin,                                      
As she fingered her skin,                                   
"Good Heaven's!  This part of it's ripped!"                 
                                                            
 2301 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        John Ciardi              



The "Exotic", curvaceous B. Hinds                           
Every night drives them out of their minds.                 
Thrusting to the drum's thumps,                             
She snaps off pelvic bumps,                                 
And more than mere perfunctory grinds.                      
                                                            
 2302 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Loren Fitzhugh      P0001



A well-stacked stripteaser named Heald                      
Drove watchers to fits as she peeled;                       
With meaningful pauses                                      
She'd strip of her gauzes                                   
And stand there, pudendum revealed.                         
                                                            
 2303 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       515



They tell of a lass named Regeena                           
Who danced a real mean macarena.                            
She stripped off her clothes,                               
Her best points to disclose,                                
"I'd rather a dance that's obscena'"                        
                                                            
 2304 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Jim Weaver Collection    



An ecdysiast in Fort Macleod,                               
Who was really superbly endowed,                            
Would enticingly bare                                       
A most ravishing pair,                                      
To the frenzied applause of the crowd.                      
                                                            
 2305 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Keith MacMillan       90c



An ecdysiast did a great skit,                              
When in front of the footlights she'd flit.                 
She had the joint jumping,                                  
With grinding and bumping,                                  
While shaking a good, healthy tit.                          
                                                            
 2306 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Bob Giandomenico    P9602



Big teats on the stripper, Miss Gill,                       
At the topless joint give us a thrill.                      
Their soft swaying motions                                  
Gives all the boys notions,                                 
And she shakes them with infinite skill.                    
                                                            
 2307 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Grand Prix Lim  289 G0341



Bragged a stripper named Desire Gation,                     
"I will bet I'll become a sensation;                        
I've had silicone jobs                                      
Done on both of my knobs;                                   
It's chic, and how firm a foundation!"                      
                                                            
 2308 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       126



A strip-teaser up in Fall River                             
Cause a sensitive fellow to quiver.                         
The esthetic vibration                                      
Brought soulful elation:                                    
Besides, it was good for the liver.                         
                                                            
 2309 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



I know a young stripper from Florida                        
Whose movements each moment grow torrider,                  
Until nothing remains                                       
To expose but her brains,                                   
And that's when I head for the corridor.                    
                                                            
 2310 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Norm Storer              



A stag-party dancer named Noyes                             
Has marvelous rhythm and poise;                             
They claim she's the busiest                                
Most sexy ecdysiast                                         
Who ever stripped bare for the boys.                        
                                                            
 2311 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       546



An ecdysiast, long in the strips,                           
Fell the wear and tear hard on her hips,                    
Found a job less complex,                                   
And to give oral sex,                                       
Was a snap, being strong in the lips.                       
                                                            
 2312 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Bob Giandomenico    P9902



A stripper at a club did her bit                            
While the guys in the crowd had a fit.                      
As a usual thing                                            
Removed bra and G-string                                    
And then she started shaking a tit.                         
                                                            
 2313 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Tom Patton          P0209



Burlesque queen with moves facile,                          
Decided to quit twirling hassle.                            
Because jiggle had                                          
Made many men bad,                                          
Just longing to TOUSLE her tassel.                          
                                                            
 2314 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Chris Papa               



The easily handled is FACILE,                               
For even the most lowly vassal.                             
But torn asunder                                            
I am with wonder                                            
At ecdysiasts who twirl tassels.                            
                                                            
 2315 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Daniel Ford              



I went to the fair as a boy;                                
Snuck into the tent to enjoy                                
Naked girls up on stage,                                    
Who were well up in age;                                    
Then run home to play with my toy.                          
                                                            
 2316 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



A stripper in Old Montreal                                  
Allowed her last fig leaf to fall.                          
Said the maitre de strip                                    
"You must tighten your grip                                 
Parce qu'il n'est pas permis montrer all."                  
                                                            
 2317 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Hugh Oliver           47b



A stripper named Tokyo Rose                                 
Was always devoid of her clothes,                           
As she jiggled her wares                                    
To the gentlemen's stares,                                  
Making all her money in shows.                              
                                                            
 2318 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Cap'n Bean          P0302



A wealthy man took a few G's (money)                        
And went out to watch a striptease.                         
He was anxious to tuck                                      
Far more than a buck;                                       
A real "G"-string, pretty please.                           
                                                            
 2319 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST                                 



A former stripteaser named Guest                            
Tried hard to appear at her best;                           
Her husband admired                                         
Her nicely attired,                                         
So when they went out, she undressed.                       
                                                            
 2320 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST        Armand E Singer       854



An American stripper called Gertie                          
Was blowsy and knocking on thirty.                          
When she stripped to the buff                               
All the men cried, "Enough!                                 
Put 'em back on again. You ain't purty."                    
                                                            
 2321 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES John Dole Odd BodkinP0204



An American stripper called Morty                           
Was blowsy and knocking on forty.                           
When she stripped to the buff                               
All the men cried, "Enough!                                 
Put 'em back on again. That ain't sporty."                  
                                                            
 2322 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Arthur Deex         P0204



An American stripper called Lefty                           
Was blowsy and knocking on fifty.                           
When she stripped to the buff                               
All the men cried, "Enough!                                 
Put 'em back on. That ain't very nifty."                    
                                                            
 2323 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Arthur Deex         P0204



An American stripper called Trixie                          
Was blowsy and knocking on sixty.                           
When she stripped to the buff                               
All the men cried ,"Enough!                                 
You're no longer a cute little pixie."                      
                                                            
 2324 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Arthur Deex         P0204



An American stripper called Coventry                        
Was blowsy and knocking on seventy.                         
When she stripped to the buff                               
All the men cried, "Enough!                                 
You're unfit to be seen by the gentry."                     
                                                            
 2325 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Arthur Deex         P0204



There was an old stripper named Gump,                       
Who moaned she was over the hump,                           
And cried, "I don't mind                                    
That thing called the grind,                                
But jeez, it sure hurts when I bump."                       
                                                            
 2326 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Armand Singer       P0101



Disagreed her old friend, Pussy Hynd,                       
"Watch me shove out my ass - I don't mind;                  
Like measles and mumps                                      
Life's full of such bumps,                                  
But to rotate your cunt is a grind."                        
                                                            
 2327 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Armand Singer       P0101



Entertaining our club is young Wendy;                       
Her show is both risque and trendy.                         
Removing her thong                                          
Leaves most of the throng                                   
Of members with members just bendy.                         
                                                            
 2328 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Archie                   



Could Wendy be one and the same                             
Young lady who danced o'er a flame,                         
And during the stunt,                                       
Her ass and her cunt                                        
Were welded shut?  Damn, what a shame!                      
                                                            
 2329 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Travis Brasell           



In bygone days amorous deeds                                
Were needed to meet a girl's needs;                         
However, today                                              
You'll hear a girl say:                                     
"I'll strip for some Mardi Gras beads!"                     
                                                            
 2330 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



"Oh my, ain't it all so romantic?!!"                        
Cry the girls, as the photogs quite frantic                 
To get titties on tape                                      
Give out beads while they gape                              
And their profits and cocks grow gigantic!                  
                                                            
 2331 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Ah those days when to shed what I'd don                     
On a balcony, for beads, are long gone.                     
When I threaten to strip                                    
the lads shout "from the hip":                              
"You'll get beads if you keep your clothes on!"             
                                                            
 2332 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Land sakes, child, now that one is funny!                   
But I know a secret, cute honey:                            
When all the guys shout,                                    
"Here's beads ... flash 'em out!"                           
"Beads, hell!" you yell, "Show me the money!"               
                                                            
 2333 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Now, Ulla, we know you are glamourous                       
And sexy and hot and quite amorous,                         
And still like to flash                                     
Your boobs for some cash                                    
Or beads if a bloke has a camerous!                         
                                                            
 2334 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



The Mardi Gras spirit permits,                              
One to act as no lady admits.                               
For a shiny doubloon,                                       
She will shoot you the moon.                                
Give her beads and she'll show you her tits.                
                                                            
 2335 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Be out on the balcony soon.                                 
What time?  Oh, let's say at high noon.                     
Doubloons I will throw,                                     
And beads, so please show                                   
Your ass, tits, and don't forget, poon!                     
                                                            
 2336 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I swashbuckled in late last night;                          
The Full Moon was still burning bright                      
Old Virgil the barkeep                                      
Was serving ten deep,                                       
As the customers watched in delight                         
                                                            
 2337 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



My beautiful bombshell was dancing                          
Around on the stage and was prancing.                       
She could straighten the pleats                             
Of the whole naval fleets                                   
With a sultry sweet tune for romancing                      
                                                            
 2338 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I swam through the sea of awed men                          
To take her away from this pen.                             
They'd part as I'd pass,                                    
Like a fart through an ass --                               
It was tough squeezing through that crowd then...           
                                                            
 2339 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Come on, gents, come in now and sit;                        
Nasty Jack's got the place all dim lit.                     
The curtain is lifting,                                     
Positions are shifting,                                     
You guys came to look at some tit....                       
                                                            
 2340 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



The beer it now flows just like water,                      
And you'll drink prob'ly more than you oughter.             
You're restless and eager                                   
To look at some beaver,                                     
And decide, once for all, who is hotter...                  
                                                            
 2341 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



The band plays a strong sexy beat;                          
As I enter the stage, I'm in heat,                          
In feathers and lace                                        
With a flush on my face.                                    
Can I make you all squirm on your seat?                     
                                                            
 2342 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



I dance to the sound of the drum,                           
Spinning slowly, a low throated hum.                        
My hips are rotating;                                       
You guys salivating;                                        
And all of you dying to come.                               
                                                            
 2343 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



I unloose that smidgen of lace;                             
Fling my bra into Jon's startled face.                      
My 42 DD's                                                  
Are certain to please                                       
Every man who has entered the place.                        
                                                            
 2344 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



They're sporting two tassels of blue;                       
I can whirl them to entice all of you.                      
One clockwise, one counter-,                                
You're thinking, "I'll mount her                            
Whenever her dancing is through."                           
                                                            
 2345 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



As the song nears it's logical end,                         
My thong I pull off and then send                           
It flying aside,                                            
Arms and legs open wide,                                    
And execute a charming knee-bend....                        
                                                            
 2346 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



Such a curtsy that winds up your dance!                     
I've seen everything, naught left to chance!                
Oh, that splendid used thong!                               
Look! It's caught on my dong!                               
Oh, my word! I just came in my pants!                       
                                                            
 2347 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Jeanie                   



Bragged a burley-cue trooper named Guy,                     
"Boy, the babes in my act sure ain't shy.                   
Twenty six stunning cunts                                   
With the most cunning stunts --                             
What a treat for the mind and the eye!                      
                                                            
 2348 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Armand E Singer        17



And I cater as well to the blind                            
With my show of the bump and the grind.                     
I let them all feel                                         
The girls as they peel --                                   
Strike me dead if it don't blow their mind!"                
                                                            
 2349 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Armand E Singer        18



Don't claim to be Gypsy Rose Lee,                           
But I've still got a dance left in me.                      
Give me your attention,                                     
You might lose that tension;                                
Your temp might go up a degree.                             
                                                            
 2350 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



The lights are down dim and quite low,                      
As I enter the stage for the show.                          
With silky black lace,                                      
Draped in the right place,                                  
The music has started and so....                            
                                                            
 2351 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I start with a bump and a grind;                            
The lace I begin to unwind,                                 
Slowly revealing,                                           
What it was concealing,                                     
My thong covered lacy behind.                               
                                                            
 2352 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



The music now picks up a beat,                              
And I'm starting to feel the heat.                          
I shimmy and shake,                                         
The thin bra straps break,                                  
As I bend down to give you a treat.                         
                                                            
 2353 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



As you watch my gyrating hips,                              
And reach out to fondle my nips,                            
I'll end on my knees,                                       
Because now with ease,                                      
In my thong you can put all the tips.                       
                                                            
 2354 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



While cash in her thong does get tucked,                    
And both of her nipples get sucked,                         
She now leaves the stage                                    
With a sizeable wage,                                       
For the dance that she wiggled and bucked.                  
                                                            
 2355 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



But now it is my turn, you see.                             
The music cranks up a degree;                               
The spotlight shines bright                                 
As you wait for the sight                                   
Of my body with tits double-D.                              
                                                            
 2356 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I enter and waltz out real slow,                            
In a gown that is cut down real low,                        
Near revealing my nipples,                                  
With drapes and with ripples,                               
Concealing the hair down below.                             
                                                            
 2357 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I wink and become a bit bolder,                             
Sliding the gown from my shoulder.                          
I rotate my hips                                            
And show you my nips;                                       
As I dance, my eyes how they smoulder!                      
                                                            
 2358 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I turn away slowly and glance                               
Back at you, dancing my dance.                              
My hips, how they wiggle!                                   
And tits, how they jiggle!                                  
My audience seems in a trance.                              
                                                            
 2359 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I'm dancing now clad only in                                
A tiny G-string and my skin.                                
My nipples erect                                            
As I saunter direct,                                        
To the edge of the stage and begin.                         
                                                            
 2360 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



To dance my way into the crowd                              
Of AJL men who are loud-                                    
Ly cheering me on,                                          
Inhibitions are gone!                                       
All those hard cocks have made me feel proud!               
                                                            
 2361 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



That silky black lace so enticing                           
Gets more than my temperature rising                        
My bulbous hard member                                      
Is sparked with an ember                                    
Of love; your moves, hypnotizing.                           
                                                            
 2362 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



That grinding you do and that bump                          
Have such an effect on my stump,                            
It grows to an oak,                                         
Awaiting a stroke                                           
From your lips and tongue, and a hump.                      
                                                            
 2363 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



The music's soft rhythmical beat                            
Has made it's way down to my feet;                          
They've started tapping;                                    
They're ready for wrapping                                  
Around you; I jump from my seat!                            
                                                            
 2364 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



The gyrations of your hot body,                             
Give to me such thoughts that are naughty.                  
I've a tip for your thong;                                  
Here's the tip of my dong;                                  
Slide it inside your thong and your twatty...               
                                                            
 2365 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Your dance was a fabulous sight;                            
You've made all our eyes wide and bright.                   
We watched your seduction                                   
And thought of the suction                                  
That those double-d's did invite.                           
                                                            
 2366 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I think that I grew just a bit,                             
As a little bit higher I sit,                               
On my chair in that row                                     
Of lim men down below,                                      
When you flashed some tit and some clit.                    
                                                            
 2367 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Now that you have taken your seat,                          
You two are in for a treat.                                 
I'm ready to prance                                         
In my underpants,                                           
With a fly that can't contain my meat!                      
                                                            
 2368 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



I'll start with a shimy and shake,                          
And unzip my jeans for your sake.                           
Then I'll stand on my hands                                 
As YOU take off my pants,                                   
And my meat, it's appearance will make.                     
                                                            
 2369 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



Once you've returned then, to sit,                          
A better view you'll likely get,                            
As I rip my T-                                              
Shirt off just for thee,                                    
And lose the shorts, showing my kit.                        
                                                            
 2370 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



The socks will be all that remain.                          
I hope that you two can refrain                             
From jumping on stage                                       
And humping in rage.                                        
If you do?  Who am I to complain!                           
                                                            
 2371 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES                          



In the South I have been for a rest,                        
In the country I still like the best.                       
Where men of old fashion                                    
Still feel a strong passion;                                
For "Big" girls they feather their nest.                    
                                                            
 2372 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Big Mama                 



They told me my body looks fine                             
'Cause round bellies seem so divine.                        
And I have been told                                        
That since days of old,                                     
They all like a fat bum like mine.                          
                                                            
 2373 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Big Mama                 



And as I just travelled alone,                              
I spent days in the sun on my own.                          
There was many a chance                                     
Of a real hot romance,                                      
Which might have brought forth a high tone.                 
                                                            
 2374 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Big Mama                 



Well, of course, I was good and behaved,                    
And my passion and all I just saved                         
For an AJL-guy.                                             
Shall I tell you why?                                       
'Cause some lovely nice verses I craved.                    
                                                            
 2375 ART - DANCE - ECDYSIAST SERIES Big Mama                 



Next Friday I hope to fulfill a                             
Desire for the ultimate thrill.  A                          
Weekend of fun                                              
In the sand and the sun,                                    
With that lapdancing gamin, Camilla.                        
                                                            
 2376 ART - DANCE - LAP              Peter Wilkins            



I ogled her golden-brown thighs                             
And then, though it ain't a surprise,                       
I felt a scintilla                                          
Of lust for Camilla...                                      
The camel with come-to-bed eyes.                            
                                                            
 2377 ART - DANCE - LAP              Peter Wilkins            



Lapdancer, Miss Megan McFee                                 
Was doing a number on me;                                   
Saw the gleam in my eyes                                    
As I started to rise,                                       
But it turned out I wanted to pee.                          
                                                            
 2378 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



A lap dance would surely be fine,                           
For the sight of your body divine.                          
But the source of your heat                                 
When it's close to my meat,                                 
May well drive me out of my mind.                           
                                                            
 2379 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



Just the thought of your hot little twat,                   
Brought a shot of white hot from that spot,                 
In my veiny blue, throbbing,                                
And ready for knobbing,                                     
Taut rod that I've got for your slot                        
                                                            
 2380 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



Tonight I'll do a private dance,                            
Lights low, candles lit to enhance,                         
The mood of my suite.                                       
Lay back, feel the heat,                                    
As my body puts you in a trance.                            
                                                            
 2381 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



Five til eight...almost time for the show;                  
I can't wait to see you dance slow.                         
With a bump and a grind,                                    
You will blow my mind,                                      
And I'll blow something else down below.                    
                                                            
 2382 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



The clock has just now struck eight;                        
You strut in; I quickly inflate.                            
You start your dance                                        
As I throw off my pants,                                    
And prepare for a show that is great!                       
                                                            
 2383 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



Your moves are so subtly hypnotic                           
And more than a little erotic.                              
They cause a sharp rise                                     
In size 'twixt guys thighs,                                 
And bring me orgasms spasmodic.                             
                                                            
 2384 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



At the Club where the lap-dancer reigns,                    
Our libidos prevail over brains;                            
One horny dumb brute                                        
Wore a fancy white suit;                                    
Her farts left embarassing stains!                          
                                                            
 2385 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



Another was dressed in dark blue,                           
And had a lap dance or two.                                 
It was quite a sight                                        
And left stains sort of white;                              
He felt a bit embarrassed, too.                             
                                                            
 2386 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



It's our county's top cultural hub,                         
Nasty Jack's jolly gentlemen's club;                        
Where his lap-dancing queens,                               
Squirm on dirty blue jeans;                                 
Their blue bottoms will tease your poor stub!               
                                                            
 2387 ART - DANCE - LAP              Jeanie                   



That's when greenbacks get tucked in their frills;          
You must pay for receiving your thrills;                    
They all say: "Shut my mouth",                              
Boys, this ain't the Old South;                             
We ain't takin' Confederate bills!"                         
                                                            
 2388 ART - DANCE - LAP              Jeanie                   



All our  strippers just love that brass pole;               
They climb up it, then slide down and roll;                 
Here and there, if you peek,                                
You will see a green streak,                                
On that pole when it's moist, bless my soul!                
                                                            
 2389 ART - DANCE - LAP              Jeanie                   



When the strippers get wrinkled and old;                    
And their cellulite legs leave us cold;                     
They get shipped off to Maude's                             
And her stable of broads;                                   
There, they do very well, so I'm told!                      
                                                            
 2390 ART - DANCE - LAP              Jeanie                   



It got closed by the state board of health;                 
But it's back, though they're using some stealth;           
Are the cops getting bribes?                                
(Talk like that sends bad vibes)                            
Nasty Jack likes to share his great wealth!                 
                                                            
 2391 ART - DANCE - LAP              Jeanie                   



I'm ready and patiently wait                                
For the clock on the wall to strike eight.                  
Then your preview dance                                     
To take place on my lance,                                  
Will commence and my cock will feel great!                  
                                                            
 2392 ART - DANCE - LAP                                       



A lap-dancing girlie From Birmin'ham,                       
Rotating her buttocks and squirmin' 'em,                    
Was heard to say "Yuck!"                                    
When her panties got stuck                                  
On account of the glutinous sperm in 'em.                   
                                                            
 2393 ART - DANCE - LAP              Peter Wilkins            



A pole-dancing girlie sublime                               
Said, "There's no way this pole can I climb.                
I'll dance on the floor                                     
'Cause the others before,                                   
Have left too much slippery slime."                         
                                                            
 2394 ART - DANCE - LAP              Peter Wilkins            



She danced on her knees like a whore,                       
Spreading her cooze on the floor,                           
Then stood on her hands,                                    
Dangling her glands                                         
In residual vaginal gore.                                   
                                                            
 2395 ART - DANCE - LAP              Brian Belge              



A young ballet dancer named Bruce                           
Wore tights that were rather too loose.                     
As he lept through the air                                  
All his skills were laid bare,                              
And his face turned a very bright puce.                     
                                                            
 2396 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Michael Palin            



Terpsichorean callgirl Yvonne,                              
Who would dance to turn customers on,                       
Disabled her back                                           
While 'Balling the Jack',                                   
Which prevented her balling the John.                       
                                                            
 2397 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



Whenever you're sorely depressed,                           
Go dance in the meadow undressed.                           
And soon you'll be giggling                                 
At things that are jiggling,                                
And bouncing around unsuppressed!                           
                                                            
 2398 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Travis Brasell           



Well now I am really impressed;                             
I right away went for a test.                               
Undressed I did dance,                                      
My mood to enhance,                                         
But now, all the cattle's depressed.                        
                                                            
 2399 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Eva                      



A cow chewed his cud in a dell,                             
While minding his own business as well.                     
A dancer appeared,                                          
Causing such a great fear,                                  
That he started the stampede from Hell.                     
                                                            
 2400 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Bob Curtin               



There was a young lady named Eva,                           
Who went to a dance as Godiva.                              
But a change in the lights                                  
Showed a tear in her tights.                                
A gentleman present cried, "Beaver!"                        
                                                            
 2401 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                 L1160



A club for old men in Paris, France,                        
Hired a beautiful nude girl to dance.                       
Their brows they would mop,                                 
As they watched her tits flop,                              
And John Claude even peed in his pants.                     
                                                            
 2402 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Laurence Craft           



Way up in Skanateles Falls,                                 
They often hold birth control balls.                        
The costumes they wear                                      
Are none...they come bare...                                
Thus the Call Of The Wild ever calls...                     
                                                            
 2403 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Grand Prix Lim  270      



In the backyard, a bold minx of Towton,                     
Danced the Charleston with nary a clout on;                 
Till her shocked mother spoke,                              
"You must put on your toque,                                
I object to your dancing with nowt on."                     
                                                            
 2404 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Langford Reed            



A belly-dancer from far Samarkand                           
Tried to prance wholly nude in the Strand.                  
But the bobby on duty                                       
Said, "No, me proud beauty!                                 
Them foreign contortions is banned."                        
                                                            
 2405 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                G2462a



Lady Amelia Applethorpe Ames                                
Was quite the most proper of dames.                         
When a whimsical mood                                       
Let her strip to the nude                                   
And dance at the Court of Saint James.                      
                                                            
 2406 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Warrick Elrod            



At the Follies Bergere matinee,                             
Can-can girls danced a pert roundelay,                      
Then were followed in line                                  
By two tumblers with fine                                   
Cunning stunts in a stirring array.                         
                                                            
 2407 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Bob Giandomenico    P9707



A dancer named Lily LaVerre                                 
Performed in the Folies Bergere.                            
But an Earl quickly wooed                                   
When he saw her dance nude.                                 
Now she's Lady DeVere in Mayfair.                           
                                                            
 2408 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Warrick Elrod            



I suppose it did seem indiscrete                            
Of Myra to dance down the street,                           
With her all on display.                                    
Yet, at bottom, I'd say,                                    
The impulse was really quite sweet.                         
                                                            
 2409 ART - DANCE - NUDE             John Ciardi              



A chorus of ladies in Bude,                                 
Whose dancing can often be viewed,                          
Their movements are heaven,                                 
The best sight in Devon,                                    
So rhythic, so sexy, so nude.                               
                                                            
 2410 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Prof                     



A modest young girl named Oola                              
Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula.                    
A cow ate the grass,                                        
Exposing her ass,                                           
Now she's no longer modest but coola.                       
                                                            
 2411 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Lims For Year - 01       



A naughty young sailor from Strood                          
Conceived of a plan rather rude.                            
He trapped Mary Whitehouse                                  
Inside an old lighthouse                                    
And forced her to dance in the nude.                        
                                                            
 2412 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Tom Baker           P8806



Lady Gwendolyn Pomeroy-Paige                                
In London had been quite the rage;                          
At the Ritz she'd take tea,                                 
But preferrred much to be                                   
Dancing nude on a music hall stage.                         
                                                            
 2413 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Warrick Elrod            



While the south gets hammered with rain,                    
From Barry the new hurricane,                               
Up here it's so dry,                                        
I'm hiring that guy,                                        
For a naked rain dance again.                               
                                                            
 2414 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



This naked dance sounds a good thing.                       
May I join in with the dance ring?                          
We sure need the rain;                                      
These fires are a pain!                                     
Just please do no ask me to sing.                           
                                                            
 2415 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



Now that would be an memorable sight.                       
You two dancing buck naked all night.                       
I'll bang the old drum,                                     
Till these fingers grow numb,                               
And black rainy clouds we'll invite.                        
                                                            
 2416 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



You guys, it is so sad to say,                              
It's pouring with rain here today.                          
While you in the dry                                        
Are starting to fry;                                        
We're drowning your sorrows, hey hey!                       
                                                            
 2417 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



Count me in on this mass of fun;                            
I'm tired of this damn red hot sun.                         
I'm sure once we're dancin'                                 
Romancin' and prancin',                                     
That it'll be plenty wet hon!                               
                                                            
 2418 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



This dance has such mystical powers,                        
It's sure to cause tidal wave showers.                      
But we must not stop                                        
Or no more rain will drop,                                  
So we'll dance for hours and hours!                         
                                                            
 2419 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



I won't be going out on the town,                           
With all of this rain coming down.                          
But dancing I'll be,                                        
With him, long as he,                                       
Is naked and keeps hanging 'round.                          
                                                            
 2420 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



Now that the rainstorm's in full bloom                      
And you've donned that lacy costume,                        
I'll open you wide,                                         
And part your divide,                                       
And give you a ride on MY broom!                            
                                                            
 2421 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                      



There was a young girl named O'Malley,                      
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.                          
She got roars of applause                                   
When she kicked off her drawers,                            
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.                     
                                                            
 2422 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Anon (Bibby)        L0208



I won't say the girls at St. Francis,                       
Intend to encourage lewd glances,                           
But can one believe                                         
They are merely naive,                                      
When they come in the nude to school dances?                
                                                            
 2423 ART - DANCE - NUDE             John Ciardi              



A beautiful woman named Farrah,                             
From south of the blazing Sahara,                           
Caused many deep sighs                                      
When she danced for the guys,                               
Wearing only her golden tiara.                              
                                                            
 2424 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Cap'n Bean               



Illegal nude dancing is swell.                              
It's cool and the tips help as well.                        
But avoid cops because                                      
Being picked up by the Fuzz                                 
Has got to be painful as hell.                              
                                                            
 2425 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Theo Heller         P9405



An impotent man from Kentucky                               
Once a day he did feel rather lucky.                        
When he'd take off his pants                                
And brazenly prance                                         
Till feeling exquisitely plucky.                            
                                                            
 2426 ART - DANCE - NUDE             DS                       



There once was a jester quite rude,                         
Who danced for the King in the nude.                        
Old Cole roared, "Wear a tutu.                              
Or you'll ride a fast U2!"                                  
And decreed such behavior "Too Lewd!"                       
                                                            
 2427 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Lucas Lines              



A bump-and-grind female named Parker                        
In the sideshow, said to the barker,                        
"If you mean I must dance                                   
OUT HERE, free, without pants,                              
At least let me wait till it's darker!"                     
                                                            
 2428 ART - DANCE - NUDE             Grand Prix Lim  586      



A gent who spoke fluent pornography                         
Met girls who mixed sex with choreography.                  
The flicks they created                                     
Were triple-X rated,                                        
And set records for filth in photography.                   
                                                            
 2429 ART - DANCE - NUDE                                 G0717



There once was a lady from France,                          
Who wanted to learn how to dance.                           
But try as she might,                                       
Could not get it right,                                     
Until she put ants down her pants.                          
                                                            
 2430 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



I knew I was taking a chance                                
When I asked a cheerleader to dance.                        
She shook her pom-poms                                      
To beats of tom-toms;                                       
I thought she had ants in her pants.                        
                                                            
 2431 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



A girl who happened to glance                               
At a man who was doing a dance,                             
Said, "Your steps are quite fancy,                          
But they seem somewhat antsy.                               
Perchance, have you ants in your pants?"                    
                                                            
 2432 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Anon                     



A professional instructor of dance                          
Was arrested for tight-fitting pants.                       
Through envy inate,                                         
He drove husbands irate                                     
And gave ballroom new meaning...perchance?                  
                                                            
 2433 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Pecos Bill               



The ballroom dancers took to the floor;                     
Dancing pasa doble, jive, and lots more.                    
As they writhed and they twirled,                           
To be best in the world,                                    
They ranged from tremendous to poor.                        
                                                            
 2434 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Arthur Pattaffy          



I can't seem to follow the beat,                            
So my dancing is not very neat.                             
I bounces and wiggles                                       
And my bottom jiggles,                                      
But then I fall over my feet.                               
                                                            
 2435 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Marilyn                  



Dancing to me just comes easy,                              
Be it prim and proper or sleazy.                            
When I hear music,                                          
A partner I pick,                                           
And twirl on the floor till I'm queasy.                     
                                                            
 2436 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Arden                    



There is a young fellow from Onger,                         
Whose main joy in life is the Conga.                        
He's been doing, to date,                                   
Since 1908;                                                 
I don't think he will do it much longer.                    
                                                            
 2437 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Bill Wall                



And here is why queers like the Conga,                      
They form a line longa and longa.                           
Then they form a circle,                                    
So that the last jerk'll                                    
Have fitting his ass, someone's donga.                      
                                                            
 2438 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Tiddy Ogg                



We'll dance to Hank Sr. and then,                           
Put on some Merle Haggard and when,                         
We're all sweaty and hot,                                   
From doin' a foxtrot,                                       
We'll play Conway and do it again.                          
                                                            
 2439 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



A cowboy who seems to be prancing,                          
Retreating, then later advancing,                           
As though in some pain --                                   
I'd like to explain,                                        
It's just his idea of dancing.                              
                                                            
 2440 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Your finger technique is meticulous,                        
Though Glenn Gould may have found it ridiculous.            
Arpeggios dance                                             
'Cross her thighs, then advance                             
In a scherzo that makes you ridiculous.                     
                                                            
 2441 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



At a party when doing the rumba,                            
Down my trousers I thrust a cucumber.                       
"My god!  What is that?"                                    
Cried a girl in a hat,                                      
So I gave her my telephone number.                          
                                                            
 2442 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Bill Wall                



When invited to a Morris dance,                             
I strap on my bells in advance.                             
"My God!  What is that,"                                    
Cried a girl in a hat.                                      
Another cucumber, perchance?"                               
                                                            
 2443 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Bill Wall                



For those who enjoy a gavotte,                              
I do, I admit, quite a lot.                                 
Hundreds of nights                                          
Leaping 'round in my tights,                                
And it does keep the vegetables hot.                        
                                                            
 2444 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Bill Wall                



Since it's widely held, dancing is sin,                     
Here's the ponderous quandary I'm in:                       
Why would their virtue fail;                                
Pray tell what would prevail                                
To make angels dance on heads of pins?                      
                                                            
 2445 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



I am going out dancing tonight,                             
With a couple of friends, to get tight.                     
If I come home all blurry,                                  
And sticky and slurry,                                      
And smelling of sick, don't take fright.                    
                                                            
 2446 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Kate Gray                



A young lady chewing a mango                                
While dancing a sexy Fandango,                              
Did a hot hootchy-kootchy                                   
In a dress done by Gucci,                                   
And finished up doing a tango.                              
                                                            
 2447 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



I once had a budding romance                                
With a lady from Brittany, France                           
Who said, "Darling, mon cher,                               
If you want an affair,                                      
You will have to romance me with dance."                    
                                                            
 2448 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



"Ma cherie", I remarked, "I'm bereft;                       
I have feet but they're both of them left.                  
So as for romancing                                         
By taking you dancing,                                      
I fear I'm not nimble or deft."                             
                                                            
 2449 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



She offered to teach me the waltz;                          
Tried correcting my myriad faults;                          
But I said, "That's enough                                  
Of this 1 2 3 stuff."                                       
To my ears it was musical schmaltz.                         
                                                            
 2450 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



"I'll give you", she said, "One more chance,                
For I'm sure you'll enjoy this new dance;                   
It's the tango no less!"                                    
But I have to confess                                       
All I felt was that dance in my pants.                      
                                                            
 2451 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



I went to a big fancy dance,                                
All dressed up and seeking romance --                       
He held me so tight                                         
For the whole of the night,                                 
I found out why he was called Lance.                        
                                                            
 2452 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Jean Fox                 



In hula, hot hips UNDULATE,                                 
A neat way to communicate;                                  
When saying "Hello,"                                        
To eager fellow                                             
That the lass might like for a mate.                        
                                                            
 2453 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Chris Papa               



The birth of the dance called 'Watusi'                      
Occurred on the night when youny Suzy                       
Jumped up on the bar                                        
And acted bizarre                                           
When roaches crawled into her poosey.                       
                                                            
 2454 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Travis Brasell           



The girl put her hand down his pants.                       
Good lord why the fuss and the rants?                       
Why I let the girls                                         
Check the whorls on my pearls,                              
While we whirled at the Junior High Dance.                  
                                                            
 2455 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           John Miller              



We'd offer our change to young sluts                        
From pockets we'd altered with cuts,                        
And tease little Daisy,                                     
"You think this feels crazy?                                
A little bit more, you'll feel nuts!"                       
                                                            
 2456 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           John Miller              



The salsa is merely for dancing;                            
The tango's OK for romancing;                               
No further they go.                                         
The lambada, you know,                                      
Combines dancing, romancing, and lancing!                   
                                                            
 2457 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Peter Wilkins            



Is that how they dance in Granada?                          
Well, how 'bout we dance the lambada?                       
If naked you be,                                            
Press your body 'gainst me;                                 
Your gyrations will help me get harder.                     
                                                            
 2458 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Peter Wilkins            



There once was a young dancing queen,                       
Young and sweet, only just seventeen.                       
She could dance, she could jive,                            
Had the time of her life,                                   
When she did the lambada obscene.                           
                                                            
 2459 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Muriel                   



An old man and a lively young fawn,                         
The Lambada did dance on the lawn;                          
After grinding his gun,                                     
"Did you cum, now, my hon?"                                 
"I don't think I'll know until dawn!"                       
                                                            
 2460 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



I'd dance the Lambada with you,                             
And whisper this in your ear too:                           
Me gusta bailar,                                            
No quiero parar,                                            
'Til we've had ourselves a good screw.                      
                                                            
 2461 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



I so love to dance the Lambada,                             
That dance gets me hotta and hotta;                         
The beat, so romantic,                                      
Makes us both feel so frantic --                            
Come dancing?  Oooh, baby -- we gotta!                      
                                                            
 2462 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



I dance the Lambada. Her eyes                               
Open wide as she feels something rise;                      
Then she suddenly stops.                                    
Slaps me hard on the chops;                                 
"That's disgusting, you pervert," she cries.                
                                                            
 2463 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Peter Wilkins            



The Lambada's a dance of romance;                           
Expect something to rise in the pants.                      
If she's such a snob,                                       
By rejecting your knob,                                     
Come here and give me a chance.                             
                                                            
 2464 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Arden                    



We'll sway to the music so Latin,                           
While my hot bottom you're pattin'.                         
My leg wrapped 'round yours,                                
Dipping me to the floors,                                   
Makes me dream of red sheets of satin.                      
                                                            
 2465 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Arden                    



If I dance the Lambada with you,                            
Then you'll work me into a stew,                            
And a lather of lust,                                       
Till I have to and must                                     
Rip your clothes off and give you a screw.                  
                                                            
 2466 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Peter Wilkins            



No panties wears Heidi, the bimbo.                          
It's great when she dances the limbo.                       
Men stand at the front                                      
For a view of her cunt,                                     
As she slides 'neath the bar, legs akimbo.                  
                                                            
 2467 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Tiddy Ogg                



Sweet Suzi is Heidi's young sistra;                         
Sixteen and she's never been kisstra,                       
'Til Tid came along,                                        
Sat her down on his dong,                                   
And fair ravished her sweet aspidistra.                     
                                                            
 2468 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Peter Wilkins            



There's no tears in my beer, Bonnie dearest.                
On a country dance floor, I am fearless.                    
Doin' two step or line,                                     
Cheek to cheek in three time.                               
Don't matter when you love the one nearest.                 
                                                            
 2469 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



Ma Nature, libidos doth tease.                              
While Morris men dance in the breeze.                       
Their ladies, bereft,                                       
Call on me to heft                                          
My tool into crannies that please.                          
                                                            
 2470 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



Each Springtime, especially in May,                         
The Morris men come out to play;                            
To music they dance                                         
In a kind of a trance,                                      
Waving ribbons and handkerchiefs gay.                       
                                                            
 2471 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



Their actions are mighty entrancing,                        
With bells 'round their ankles enhancing                    
The overall sound,                                          
As the cobbles they pound                                   
Like demented old fairies a-prancing.                       
                                                            
 2472 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



While Morris men hold their Spring gigs                     
And dance around doing their jigs,                          
The women, with wit,                                        
Work daily to fit                                           
Pigs' bladders inside the damn pigs.                        
                                                            
 2473 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



A woman from East Pango-Pango                               
Had her yoni stuffed up with a mango.                       
This caused her to dance                                    
In a bow-legged stance,                                     
And aesthetically murder the tango.                         
                                                            
 2474 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



I rhumba'd a girl that wore gingham,                        
Who stuffed guavas as fast as they'd bring 'em;             
And while dancing fandangoes,                               
I murdered some mangoes                                     
By lancing the lot with my lingam.                          
                                                            
 2475 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Hugh Clary               



In Edmonton now by decree                                   
There will be no dancing past three.                        
They do all in their power                                  
So that after that hour,                                    
They don't have to dance vertically.                        
                                                            
 2476 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Archie                   



In Provo, they've Canada out done --                        
They don't allow dancing past one:                          
"A late night dance rave                                    
Is for folks who crave                                      
Sex and drugs -- that's way too much fun!"                  
                                                            
 2477 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



A dance at the schoolhouse is fun                           
But the cowboys all fade one by one.                        
They booze every chance                                     
To get courage to dance --                                  
But boozing is all they get done.                           
                                                            
 2478 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



I though I'd try love and romance,                          
And that's why I asked her to dance;                        
But holding her tightly                                     
Caused damp and unsightly                                   
Embarrassing stains in my pants.                            
                                                            
 2479 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Peter Wilkins            



Although some folks may think it risque,                    
I like to do some things my way.                            
On Tuesdays I dance                                         
In star-spangled pants,                                     
Regardless of what people say.                              
                                                            
 2480 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Norm Storer              



Said scrumptious young dancer, "I'm pooped.                 
I'll just stop until I've recouped!"                        
Said boyfriend, "Keep dancing;                              
It's romance enhancing.                                     
And it leaves all your parts so well grouped."              
                                                            
 2481 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Observer                 



"You're a wonderful dancer", he purred.                     
"May we soon dance again," she demurred.                    
I think I'll retreat                                        
As you've ruined my feet;                                   
The rest of my night is deferred.                           
                                                            
 2482 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Arthur Pattaffy          



In Spring, flingers flock to the floor.                     
Just one dance, short romance, nothing more.                
From behind a dark shade                                    
An assessment is made,                                      
And a tango for two is the score.                           
                                                            
 2483 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Ravensegg                



In all the history of France,                               
There was none that knew how to dance,                      
Like Vance the young gun,                                   
Who liked to have fun,                                      
By twirling and whirling his aunts.                         
                                                            
 2484 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL                                    



When we were young, we went to some dances;                 
Some of the us looked for romances.                         
If the girls wanted food,                                   
That was not very good.                                     
It depended upon our finances.                              
                                                            
 2485 ART - DANCE - SOCIAL           Arthur Pattaffy          



Four papers addressing monology,                            
Anna De Smith's anthropology,                               
Spalding Gray's narcissism,                                 
And preformatism                                            
Ought to be published within an anthology.                  
                                                            
 2486 ART - DRAMA                    J. B. Lawton             



J. B., who from Vegas, not Reno,                            
Did a project with M. Tarantino.                            
J. B. talked about lights                                   
And the cast's and crew's plights.                          
We all said, "Aw, what does he know?"                       
                                                            
 2487 ART - DRAMA                    Amy Taipale              



Stanislavski's work is great theory;                        
Delsarte's can make people leery.                           
Can the work of Delsarte                                    
These days play a part?                                     
This is Joe Fahey's query.                                  
                                                            
 2488 ART - DRAMA                    Amy Taipale              



Theatre Workshop and the Old Vic                            
Produced versions of the Second Dick.                       
The critics took a pass                                     
On the one -- working class.                                
Their elitism just makes me sick.                           
                                                            
 2489 ART - DRAMA                    Amy Taipale              



When the Cenci acquired the censure                         
Of an incensed insesitive censor,                           
Archer offered defense,                                     
And put in his two cents,                                   
But Nora's critics still managed to silence her.            
                                                            
 2490 ART - DRAMA                    Roger Freeman            



Sarah Siddons said "I will not heel"                        
To those who said she should kneel.                         
Your kids you could dandle,                                 
Or else cause a scandal,                                    
Ms. Siddons said "Come on!  Get Real."                      
                                                            
 2491 ART - DRAMA                    Amy Taipale              



In the works of Spalding Gray,                              
There's a lot Gray's trying to say.                         
For his therapy                                             
He talks about "me";                                        
Is his sanity starting to fray?                             
                                                            
 2492 ART - DRAMA                    Amy Taipale              



Said Palmer and Harrison Fiske,                             
They were why Mrs. Fiske took the risk                      
Of making a wage                                            
By rejoining the stage.                                     
To their story we now say "Tsk! Tsk!"                       
                                                            
 2493 ART - DRAMA                    Amy Taipale              



The '55 season was terribly fecund;                         
Not one, but two Richards the Second.                       
The Old Vic's full of sentiment;                            
Workshop's an experiment,                                   
With which the citics had not reckoned.                     
                                                            
 2494 ART - DRAMA                    J. B. Lawton             



The theatre's depiction of race,                            
As seen in the Miss Saigon case,                            
Was different from Suture                                   
And may change in the future,                               
When an actor may wear his own face.                        
                                                            
 2495 ART - DRAMA                    Amy Taipale              



There was a young actor named Ned                           
Who took literally whan anyone said.                        
This was highly impeding;                                   
You'd yell cut!...He'd be bleeding.                         
He's in hospital now...Broke a leg.                         
                                                            
 2496 ART - DRAMA                    Debbie Hoad              



A circus parade sweeper, Liz,                               
Found her back couldn't take it. "Gee whiz!                 
It hurts, Doc (sob-sob)"                                    
"Get a standing up job."                                    
"What!" she exclaimed, "Leave Show Biz?"                    
                                                            
 2497 ART - DRAMA                    Arthur Deex         P9709



The actor, although a great charmer,                        
Played Lancelot's role like a farmer.                       
He missed most of his cues,                                 
And got panned in reviews;                                  
Critics called him a big ham in armor.                      
                                                            
 2498 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Giandomenico    P9807



A big boobed but small talented tart,                       
An affront to the thespian art,                             
Showed her boobs to the producer,                           
Who was quick to seduce her,                                
And then quick to award her a part.                         
                                                            
 2499 ART - DRAMA                    William N Nesbit    P9712



An actor, in furious rage,                                  
Muttered this to an actress on stage,                       
"When I'd fallen for you,                                   
I had thought forty-two                                     
Was meant for your breasts, not your age."                  
                                                            
 2500 ART - DRAMA                    Isaac Asimov             



O, there are two brothers, the Fays,                        
Who are excellent players of plays,                         
And needless to mention, all                                
Most unconventional                                         
Filling the world with amaze.                               
                                                            
 2501 ART - DRAMA                    James Joyce         P9007



But I angered those brothers, the Fays,                     
Whose ways are conventional ways,                           
For I lay in my urine                                       
While ladies so pure in                                     
While petticoats ravished my gaze.                          
                                                            
 2502 ART - DRAMA                    James Joyce         P9007



A gentleman home from Malay                                 
Was taken one night to a play.                              
He said, "I don't mind                                      
If the accent's refined,                                    
But I wish I could hear what they say."                     
                                                            
 2503 ART - DRAMA                    Punch's Lim Book    P9605



The skilled stage electrician, Joe Mott,                    
Loved a Burlesque Stripper named Dot.                       
He could light up a patch                                   
Just the size of her snatch,                                
With his carbon-arc, irised-down spot.                      
                                                            
 2504 ART - DRAMA                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



The starlet could sing and could dance;                     
Her talents are seen at a glance.                           
To be in David's show,                                      
She couldn't say no,                                        
So soon he was into her pants.                              
                                                            
 2505 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



Kate, aspirant actress, ain't smart,                        
She thinks though, she's now made a start;                  
She met a producer,                                         
Who tried to seduce her,                                    
And showed her, she said, a big part.                       
                                                            
 2506 ART - DRAMA                                             



You want me to play a young tart?"                          
Said the actress, "So when do I start?"                     
The director said, "Not                                     
'Til I've plundered your twat,                              
And auditioned ten more for the part."                      
                                                            
 2507 ART - DRAMA                    Peter Wilkins            



Here's a quote from an actress named Hart,                  
Who was quizzed on her X-rated start:                       
"Since the star's giant prick                               
Measured three inches thick,                                
I began with a challenging part!"                           
                                                            
 2508 ART - DRAMA                                             



I once saw a crime that was heinous --                      
The first act of Coriolanus!                                
Some mischevievous joker                                    
Picked up a hot poker,                                      
Which really did not entertain us.                          
                                                            
 2509 ART - DRAMA                    Kevin Hale               



The costume designer named Bruce                            
Designed the girls' costumes in puce.                       
He said no to Miss Dunne                                    
Who said, "Let's have some fun!"                            
It's the stage hands he wants to seduce.                    
                                                            
 2510 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



The cast is renowned for its wit;                           
They're convinced that the show is a hit.                   
They say, "Week after week,                                 
We hit a new peak!"                                         
But the audience knows that it's shit.                      
                                                            
 2511 ART - DRAMA                    Bill Wall                



To analyze dramatic cross-dressing                          
And the way it keeps audiences guessing,                    
One can think of the molls                                  
As G.I. Joe dolls,                                          
A technique that some will be pressing.                     
                                                            
 2512 ART - DRAMA                    J. B. Lawton             



Delsarte's good enough for the French.                      
But to us, he is just not a mensch.                         
He's well-meant, but weird                                  
And we are afeared                                          
And the method gives off an odd stench.                     
                                                            
 2513 ART - DRAMA                    Brian Carney             



I hate everybody today;                                     
Those blue sunny skies have turned grey.                    
I can't give any more;                                      
I can't live anymore;                                       
I've written the end to my play.                            
                                                            
 2514 ART - DRAMA                    Depressed                



My acting career first began                                
When lady producer, young Jan,                              
Saw my dong unfurled;                                       
The best in the world                                       
For the part of the Elephant Man.                           
                                                            
 2515 ART - DRAMA                    Tiddy Ogg                



While playing the lead role in Lear,                        
And actor (decidedly queer)                                 
Found vast satisfaction                                     
Whenever the action                                         
Directed was, 'Enter from rear'.                            
                                                            
 2516 ART - DRAMA                    Norm Storer         P9712



While at times I enjoy to annoy,                            
With one drama term I won't toy.                            
Rhymes re: "Gaffer" and "Grip"                              
I may sometimes let slip,                                   
With a ten foot pole for "Best Boy."                        
                                                            
 2517 ART - DRAMA                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



The actress from Cambria heights                            
Longed to see her stage-name up in lights.                  
"You will," said producer,                                  
As he'd playfully goose her,                                
"As soon as I get in your tights."                          
                                                            
 2518 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Sullivan said to Gilbert, "Perchance                        
My dear Sir, if you'd not look askance,                     
I will mention to you                                       
One more show we could do                                   
As a sequel, 'Pinheads of Penzance'."                       
                                                            
 2519 ART - DRAMA                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



On stage was a musical play.                                
On a swing, o'er the audience did sway                      
A girl.  There were roars,                                  
Just one time, of applause,                                 
She'd left off her panties that day.                        
                                                            
 2520 ART - DRAMA                                             



Of the girl on the swing, lemme sing;                       
Showed off a lil' estatic zing;                             
In the spotlight's glare,                                   
Soft hair in the air;                                       
My bird!  Lil' bush-tit takes wing!                         
                                                            
 2521 ART - DRAMA                                             



Roberto Benigni's ovation                                   
For acting that turned concentration                        
Camps' ugliest strife                                       
Into beautiful life,                                        
Made him stand on his chair with elation.                   
                                                            
 2522 ART - DRAMA                    Prof M-G                 



Archer said, "Don't ban that play!"                         
The Wilde-men must have their say.                          
To you who would muzzle wit,                                
I say, Get over it!                                         
I wish Jesse Helms felt that way.                           
                                                            
 2523 ART - DRAMA                    Brian Carney             



My theatre is doing Joe Orton,                              
Who died long before he had oughten.                        
"What the Butler Saw"                                       
Has laughter galore                                         
And actors, their bare bodies flaunten.                     
                                                            
 2524 ART - DRAMA                    Archie                   



Departing life's stage is John Gielgud;                     
His Hamlet made Shakespeare so feel-good.                   
In roles of the bard,                                       
'Twas most often he starred,                                
Though his butler in "Arthur" was real good.                
                                                            
 2525 ART - DRAMA                    Prof M-G                 



I'm cast to act nude in a skit,                             
However, I'm nervous a bit,                                 
Because my huge cock                                        
Will dangle and knock                                       
Around in the orchestra pit.                                
                                                            
 2526 ART - DRAMA                    Travis Brasell           



Then my dear, you had better not go,                        
For young lady trumpeter, Flo                               
May well catch your swell                                   
In her instrument bell,                                     
And try then to suck and not blow.                          
                                                            
 2527 ART - DRAMA                    Tiddy Ogg                



Or worse, when the cymbals have clashed,                    
You may find your manhood real mashed,                      
And rendered much flatter                                   
Than old pancake batter,                                    
And hopes of fresh pleasures are dashed.                    
                                                            
 2528 ART - DRAMA                    Tiddy Ogg                



Well, now you're as nigh as astute                          
As the girl who played fugues on her flute,                 
And who, with astonishment                                  
Gave me this admonishment,                                  
"Go stuff your long dong in your boot!"                     
                                                            
 2529 ART - DRAMA                    Travis Brasell           



The mallet that swung at the gong,                          
Instead crushed his huge dangling dong.                     
That musical glitch                                         
Uplifted the pitch                                          
Of Travis's long schlong swan song.                         
                                                            
 2530 ART - DRAMA                    RanDog                   



I once met a spirited young lesbian,                        
That fancied herself quite a thespian.                      
The lines she rehearsed,                                    
But she ad-libbed a verse;                                  
That tale-spinning lesbian thespian.                        
                                                            
 2531 ART - DRAMA                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Bard says that Life's but a stage,                      
And an audience unseen must guage                           
Whether we as poor actors,                                  
Are tuned to the factors                                    
That shape the world's narrow-guage cage.                   
                                                            
 2532 ART - DRAMA                    Norm Storer         P9712



The distractable actor Mack Clure,                          
Fell for the ingenue's fresh allure.                        
He reveals signs he pines,                                  
For her curves and soft lines,                              
To the point his own lines are a blur.                      
                                                            
 2533 ART - DRAMA                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



There was an old woman named Miller,                        
Who starred in a low-budget thriller.                       
The audience wept,                                          
And nobody slept,                                           
For she scared them more than the killer!                   
                                                            
 2534 ART - DRAMA                    Tony                     



An actress by name of O'Hart,                               
In movies had made a grand start.                           
Just by getting to know                                     
Who was running the show,                                   
And she often was made for the part.                        
                                                            
 2535 ART - DRAMA                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2216



That thespian wannabe Jerry                                 
Was using a bike as a ferry.                                
She claims the Guinness                                     
Record's  her  Binnis,                                      
But I think she was making merry.                           
                                                            
 2536 ART - DRAMA                    SFA                      



There was a young lady named Fleager,                       
Who was terribly, terribly eager                            
To be all the rage                                          
On the tragedy stage,                                       
Though her talents were pitifully meagre.                   
                                                            
 2537 ART - DRAMA                    Edward Gorey             



The public brought Sarah to heel.                           
Said "Sarah, to us you must kneel"                          
She said, "Not for me,                                      
But for my family",                                         
But her daughter said, "Mother, get real."                  
                                                            
 2538 ART - DRAMA                    Brian Carney             



An aspiring young actor called Kirk,                        
Says he's paid very well for his work.                      
When asked what's his forte,                                
He replies that it's naughty,                               
And looks at his co-star with smirk.                        
                                                            
 2539 ART - DRAMA                    Arthur Pattaffy          



A night at the Roxbury's fun!                               
Two idiots always undone                                    
In their quest for a screw,                                 
(A farce, it is true)                                       
But you'll learn some home-truths 'ere it's done.           
                                                            
 2540 ART - DRAMA                    Sansuesi                 



Act two made conservatives frown                            
As a man appeared wearing a gown.                           
Their faces turned grey                                     
Because during the play,                                    
Not only the curtain went down.                             
                                                            
 2541 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



The Pantomime season is here!                               
To fill our hearts with good cheer.                         
Where men play some parts                                   
All dolled up as tarts;                                     
No wonder you think Brits are queer.                        
                                                            
 2542 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Hunt                 



The principal boy is a girl,                                
With red ruby lips and a curl;                              
His legs sheathed in tights,                                
Reaching up to such heights,                                
That leaves my poor mind in a whirl.                        
                                                            
 2543 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Hunt                 



The principal girl is a pearl                               
Of a girl, (red lips and a curl),                           
She falls in love                                           
With number one above,                                      
As the story begins to unfurl.                              
                                                            
 2544 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Hunt                 



A man with a great pile of hair,                            
Plays a poor widow full of despair;                         
For her only son                                            
Is girl number one,                                         
Are you confused?  Never fear...                            
                                                            
 2545 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Hunt                 



The principal girl's father is rich,                        
And to the poor widow does hitch;                           
His girl gets the son,                                      
Yes, girl number one;                                       
Oh, Life can be such a bitch.                               
                                                            
 2546 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Hunt                 



There's usually a villain too,                              
Whom the audience can hiss and boo.                         
He's played by a man,                                       
But quite spoils the plan,                                  
When he shouts out, "I'm gay! Yoo-hoo!"                     
                                                            
 2547 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Hunt                 



It all works out in the end,                                
(Provided the villain not bend),                            
And the last thing to do,                                   
To each one of you,                                         
A Merry Christmas to you I do send.                         
                                                            
 2548 ART - DRAMA                    Bob Hunt                 



The actress was greeted with boo's,                         
For in hunger some green peas did choose,                   
And spilled them.  Her deeded                               
Next entrance unheeded;                                     
She missed both her peas and her cues.                      
                                                            
 2549 ART - DRAMA                    Liam na Beag             



Science can offer some tips                                 
On actors emotional trips:                                  
If you need to feel happy                                   
(Despite feeling crappy)                                    
Hold a pen with your teeth, not your lips.                  
                                                            
 2550 ART - DRAMA                    J. B. Lawton             



There's a donor of lavish largesse                          
Who once brought in a play in MS.                           
He found what it all meant                                  
By the final installment                                    
But poor Scriptor was left in a mess.                       
                                                            
 2551 ART - DRAMA                    James Joyce         P9008



The Shakespearean actor, Darque Hall,                       
Had refused to do accents at all.                           
Offered a handsome fee                                      
To play Robert E. Lee,                                      
Verily, he was quick on the drawl.                          
                                                            
 2552 ART - DRAMA                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



Don Reilly, the world's greatest actor!                     
His art!  His use of Max Factor!                            
This freshman sensation                                     
Induces elation                                             
Much better than my chiropractor.                           
                                                            
 2553 ART - DRAMA                    Janet Whaley             



There was no performance today;                             
But a couple who danced in the play                         
With trouble are flirtin',                                  
'Cause in front of the curtain,                             
They're having their own matinee.                           
                                                            
 2554 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



An actor, though caught in his drawers,                     
Went on lovemaking without a pause.                         
Though the husband cried, "Nay!"                            
He performed through the day                                
And finished to grudging applause.                          
                                                            
 2555 ART - DRAMA                    Limericks for John  P9710



The quite shapely young actress, Voncielle,                 
Changing costumes would publicly peel.                      
From this, one might assume                                 
There was no dressing room.                                 
Wrong, Voncielle just revealed with great zeal.             
                                                            
 2556 ART - DRAMA                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



The producer's a bastard named Jay.                         
The director's an ogre named Ray.                           
After much abuse, Sue                                       
The lead female said, "Who                                  
Must I screw to get out of this play?"                      
                                                            
 2557 ART - DRAMA                    Michael Weinstein   P9712



Now Brian's a tightfisted bastard;                          
As Scrooge he is really typecasted.                         
If we get him alone,                                        
He truly will groan,                                        
For we'll leave him rudely dis-masted!                      
                                                            
 2558 ART - DRAMA                    Archie                   



There once was an actress from Georgia,                     
Who thought she was Lucretia Borgia.                        
Hard times were the norm,                                   
Till she took them by storm,                                
With a sex show that would have floored ja.                 
                                                            
 2559 ART - DRAMA                    MrMalo                   



I personally think Jeremy Brett                             
The very best Sherlock Holmes yet.                          
I'm sad that he's gone;                                     
I wanted to prolong                                         
Those offerings from the PBS set.                           
                                                            
 2560 ART - DRAMA                    Marty              TP9807



On the public, did it ever dawn                             
Whence the Show Biz saying did spawn?                       
Though it sounds romantic,                                  
Refunding's a panic,                                        
That's the reason "The Show Must Go On."                    
                                                            
 2561 ART - DRAMA                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



Television soap operas are seen                             
As quite endless installments of spleen,                    
Instead of the fun                                          
Of true circus run --                                       
The villians will never come clean.                         
                                                            
 2562 ART - DRAMA                    Bill Backe-Hansen   P8711



Soap operas cling to the screen,                            
And viewers forever are keen                                
To follow the plot,                                         
Just to be on the spot                                      
If the villain should ever come clean.                      
                                                            
 2563 ART - DRAMA                    Al Willis           P9701



Dion Boucicault may have been                               
(At least for New York's Irish scene)                       
Thought of as unfriendly,                                   
But by his end, he                                          
Was seen as a son of the green.                             
                                                            
 2564 ART - DRAMA                    J. B. Lawton             



Pious town ladies fumed their outrage                       
At the "Actress", young Jenny O'Sage,                       
Who did well and much good                                  
Between Pierre and Deadwood,                                
While performing on that Wicked Stage.                      
(the Deadwood Stage - McW)                                  
 2565 ART - DRAMA                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



"Take a bow," said the actor from Broadway.                 
"You were always supreme at the swordplay:                  
Except for the time                                         
When you pinioned Lord Syme,                                
After cutting his cock off in horseplay."                   
                                                            
 2566 ART - DRAMA                    Mike O'Conner            



Well, how about Cruel Intentions?                           
It's cast had few abstentions.                              
The plot was great,                                         
The crew first rate,                                        
And the show was full of fun tensions.                      
                                                            
 2567 ART - DRAMA                    Wersh                    



In one of the stage's great stunts,                         
A pair of fine actors, the Lunts,                           
Played Lear in the nude;                                    
But the audience booed --                                   
And it was performed only once.                             
                                                            
 2568 ART - DRAMA                    Norm Storer         P9812



At times I couldn't fathom a word,                          
But I think Edward Albee inferred,                          
His emotional wrecks                                        
Were confounded by sex,                                     
In his Theater of the Absurd."                              
                                                            
 2569 ART - DRAMA                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



Said the quickwitted, bigbellied German,                    
An adulterous playwright named Herman:                      
"I tickle them pink                                         
With my feathers and ink,                                   
And then I make love while they're squirmin'".              
                                                            
 2570 ART - DRAMA                    Carl Judvig Kjelsen P0309



The show was an instant success;                            
It got wonderful praise in the press.                       
Big boobs and bare butts                                    
Drove the male critics nuts,                                
Though the plot was a terrible mess.                        
                                                            
 2571 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



The producer, Max, that day will rue,                       
When he hired the naive ingenue.                            
The star says that he is                                    
Disgusted 'cause she is                                     
Seventeen and she's too young to screw.                     
                                                            
 2572 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



Said the orchestra leader, "Right on!                       
'Bout her age I just don't give a darn.                     
I don't mind her youth                                      
And I'm so uncouth,                                         
I don't care where I stick my baton!"                       
                                                            
 2573 ART - DRAMA                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



There was really no need to coerce a                        
Young actress to stay and rehearse a                        
Scene loaded with sex,                                      
Because what they did next,                                 
Is why they both came and vice versa.                       
                                                            
 2574 ART - DRAMA                    Pierce Evans             



In Boston they say the fuzz chose                           
To raid one of those Japanese shows                         
Given live on the stage.                                    
It was all of the rage,                                     
For the actors were wearing Noh clothes.                    
(Noh - traditional Japanese masked drama)                   
 2575 ART - DRAMA                    A. N. Wilkins       P8312



A fun-loving fellow named Slade                             
Would play a cruel sort of charade:                         
He would mime a man doing                                   
An incredible screwing,                                     
And guests had to guess who got laid.                       
                                                            
 2576 ART - DRAMA                    Armand E Singer       105



'Twas Arsenic and Old Lace, the play,                       
That you spoke of this very day;                            
Favorite of mine,                                           
Nephew sang a line,                                         
"There's Happy Dale far, far away."                         
                                                            
 2577 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Larry                    



Brother of two sister dotties,                              
After one, two, or three toddies,                           
Looking very wan,                                           
Just like old San Juan,                                     
He charged up the hill over bodies.                         
                                                            
 2578 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Larry                    



Two old sisters and their old brother,                      
Went to Happy Dale or another                               
Mentally ill home,                                          
Far, far from Rome,                                         
Where they'd poison nobody's mother.                        
                                                            
 2579 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Larry                    



Theatrical backers in nexus                                 
Said, "We'll prosper 'less maybe it wrecks us.              
What the hell, anyway,                                      
Let's produce the damned play:                              
"The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."                      
                                                            
 2580 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



Not a rich man, Reb Tevye in truth,                         
Being partial to gin and vermouth                           
Said, "It's not a disgrace                                  
To aim for a high place.                                    
So excuse me, I'm due on the roof."                         
                                                            
 2581 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



The best ROMAN A CLEF                                       
To hit the stage on old Broadway,                           
Disguised Clarence Darrow,                                  
That straight legal arrow,                                  
When 'Inherit the Wind' was a play.                         
                                                            
 2582 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Norm Brust               



The most hard up they'd been in their lives,                
The Athenians and the Argives.                              
What caused their undoing?                                  
The boycott on screwing                                     
By Lysistrata's union of wives.                             
                                                            
 2583 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            A. N. Wilkins       P8608



Why did H Higgins raise such a fuss,                        
Re: speech errors he thought ominous,                       
When as an act of faith                                     
Many Brits drop the H,                                      
But add Rs where they're superfluous?                       
                                                            
 2584 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



They tell you that memory plays tricks,                     
But they are a bunch of dumb pricks.                        
I saw My Fair Lady                                          
With Iola...no Sadie,                                       
Way back in about '66.                                      
                                                            
 2585 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



Eliza sold flowers in the street,                           
Though dirty she looked rather sweet,                       
Till old Henry Higgins                                      
Came, showed her his big 'un,                               
And swept the gal right off her feet.                       
                                                            
 2586 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



Back home, she gets thrown in the tub,                      
His housekeeper gives her a scrub,                          
While Henry keeps watch,                                    
His hand on his crotch,                                     
And is giving himself a good rub.                           
                                                            
 2587 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



And next, in a manner unchivalrous,                         
The takes her in a manner lascivious.                       
As does his friend, Charley,                                
Who roars like a Harley,                                    
To her vain protestations, oblivious.                       
                                                            
 2588 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



He now tries to teach her to speak,                         
In Portuguese, Spanish and Greek.                           
And though she's half killed                                
With study, she's skilled                                   
Enough so that after a week...                              
                                                            
 2589 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



...He sends her off down to the docks,                      
To rent out her pussy to cocks;                             
To foreign ship's crews,                                    
Who'll ply her with booze,                                  
And rubles, and doubloons,...and pox.                       
                                                            
 2590 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



So now, e're her face gets too pocky,                       
He takes her away from the dock.  He                        
Takes her to the races,                                     
At Ascot and places;                                        
A bet she's the finest cock jockey.                         
                                                            
 2591 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



Whereat Lizzie wins the Gold Cup;                           
The tart all the studs want to tup.                         
And now, total farce,                                       
For some silly arse                                         
Goes and weds her, the randy young pup.                     
                                                            
 2592 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



For though he's the brain of a sieve,                       
To the strains of "The Street Where You Live",              
His troth, it is plighted,                                  
But soon ain't delighted                                    
At all the diseases she'll give.                            
                                                            
 2593 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



Now folks, I admit it has been                              
A long time that's passed since I've seen                   
That flick, but you'll note,                                
That this that I've wrote,                                  
Is just what you'll see on the screen.                      
                                                            
 2594 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



Through details above, you may sift,                        
You'll not see a comma adrift.                              
You see, I'm endowed                                        
With a feature I'm proud.                                   
My memory's perfect -- a gift!                              
                                                            
 2595 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Tiddy Ogg                



Twenty thousand leagues under the C                         
Known as middle, as deep as can be;                         
Paint Your Wagon's best bar                                 
Song called Wanderin' Star                                  
Was intoned by a Marvin called Lee!                         
                                                            
 2596 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Prof M-G           TP9901



There was a young girl called Nicole,                       
Who, after years, went on the dole.                         
She did not realize                                         
That with her lovely eyes,                                  
She'd make Broadway in a starring role!                     
                                                            
 2597 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Arthur Pattaffy          



It's naughty young Lisa, I vow,                             
In front of that pantomime cow;                             
Behind in a lather                                          
Of sweat, is her father                                     
Who's tempted to give her a plough.                         
                                                            
 2598 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Anon                     



It looks a ridiculous sight,                                
On stage in the brilliant light;                            
But all of the kiddies,                                     
And little old biddies,                                     
Are cheering with all of their might.                       
                                                            
 2599 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Anon                     



'Cept wee little Jimmy m'lad,                               
Who's driving his family mad,                               
By shouting out shrilly,                                    
"That cow's got a willy!"                                   
In spite of a smack from his dad.                           
                                                            
 2600 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Anon                     



Upstairs, downstairs were two different strata,             
Upstairs they would play a sonata.                          
In the basement below,                                      
Where the sun doesn't show,                                 
The butler ruled the staff like a tartar.                   
                                                            
 2601 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Arthur Pattaffy          



Two tramps for Godot were waiting,                          
The dullness of life demonstrating.                         
The boredom's so bad,                                       
They easily had                                             
The audience participating.                                 
                                                            
 2602 ART - DRAMA - PLAYS            Nicol Mackintosh         



When Louis Quartorze's sun had set,                         
A new kind of painting we'd get'                            
Watteau and Boucher                                         
Showed nobles at play                                       
In very theatrical set.                                     
                                                            
 2603 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



The outlines of hands in the caves,                         
The piercing of aurochs with staves,                        
Were meant to kill time,                                    
Surrounded by lime,                                         
Awaiting the pass of cold waves.                            
                                                            
 2604 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



The odd flying buttress supports,                           
The thick heavy walls of all sorts,                         
Allowing arch tall                                          
So more light can fall,                                     
In churches' darkest inner courts.                          
                                                            
 2605 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



In Babylon where it was at,                                 
They built structures called ziggurat;                      
The temple assembled                                        
In this day resembled                                       
Crazy Frank Lloyd Wright's old hat.                         
                                                            
 2606 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



Sal Dali's weird mustache, it seems,                        
Was stuff of surrealist's dreams,                           
Where time pieces wilt                                      
And Freudian guilt                                          
Runs deep in the subconscious' streams.                     
                                                            
 2607 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



Manet's "Lunch in Grass", a big deal,                       
At time, produced art scandal real.                         
Fete chapetre rated.                                        
With nudes quite updated,                                   
That gave it a salacious feel.                              
                                                            
 2608 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



The bold strokes of Van Gogh appear                         
To bring all his subjects quite near.                       
It's too bad he flipped,                                    
For the razor slipped                                       
And sliced off his most famous ear.                         
                                                            
 2609 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



H. Bosch was for fantasy art,                               
The painter who gave it good start,                         
The surrealists owe                                         
A debt to this Joe,                                         
Who played founding father's big part.                      
                                                            
 2610 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



Parthenon, whose long column stand                          
At the top of Acropolis grand,                              
With large statue graced,                                   
Minerva was placed,                                         
To be seen by adoring band.                                 
                                                            
 2611 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



Duchamps and a few of his pals,                             
Outdid the extreme surree-als,                              
With grins on their faces,                                  
They hung in high places,                                   
Old bikes and upturned urinals.                             
                                                            
 2612 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



Picasso and Brazue looked anew                              
At forms from unique point of view;                         
So ladies on stairs                                         
Looked like broken chairs,                                  
While animal horns up and grew.                             
                                                            
 2613 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



The flat figures in two dimensions                          
Recall deaths of kings and ascensions,                      
With two right, left feet,                                  
Odd eyes on face neat,                                      
Their singular artistic pretensions.                        
                                                            
 2614 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



Adieu, to dear Art 105,                                     
The teacher did certainly strive,                           
To light up the class,                                      
And to students pass,                                       
The flame that keeps culture alive!                         
                                                            
 2615 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



When artists in wares do pretend                            
To know just how the world should bend,                     
Even Picasso                                                
Will find the Sargasso                                      
Rises up to kick his ascend.                                
                                                            
 2616 ART - HISTORY                  Chris Papa               



Academy Awards, if you will,                                
Often do things that make one feel ill;                     
Making men seeming strong                                   
Who could never go wrong,                                   
But most are more like a daffodil.                          
                                                            
 2617 ART - MOVIES                   Tom Patton          P0305



When Academy Awards are given out,                          
Recipients narcissistically shout:                          
"Hey people, look at me!                                    
I'm pretty as can be;                                       
My performances you cannot live without."                   
                                                            
 2618 ART - MOVIES                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



When Academy Awards are given out                           
The female winners figuratively shout:                      
"Hey look, you country rubes!                               
Check out my legs and boobs;                                
I'm what your fantasies are about."                         
                                                            
 2619 ART - MOVIES                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



This fellow just can't help resemblin'                      
A big oafish Soviet gremlin.                                
But abandon your grudge,                                    
If you're Russian to judge,                                 
For I hear he's the Creme-de-la-Kremlin.                    
                                                            
 2620 ART - MOVIES                   Larry Hollister          



Watching "April in Paris" on screen,                        
Don't you wonder if Putman's so green,                      
'Cause the Scarecrow he was                                 
In the Wizard of Oz,                                        
Left some straw where his brains should have been.          
                                                            
 2621 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



The planets were oddly aligned,                             
When a man made a most bizarre find.                        
He found a small door,                                      
That led straight to the core                               
Of a popular thespian's mind.                               
                                                            
 2622 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



We need to bring to the screen                              
A Bible tale, both lewd and clean.                          
Patricidal strife,                                          
A slice of life                                             
With Jezebel sexy and mean.                                 
                                                            
 2623 ART - MOVIES                   Jim Jambor          P9012



'Apocalypse Now and Then'                                   
A 1991 Top Ten.                                             
Himself with Brando clone                                   
With gestures Corleone                                      
And wears a torn T-shirt again.                             
                                                            
 2624 ART - MOVIES                   Irving Superior     P9012



After eating baked beans, Arnold grinned                    
In the gym on the bar where he chinned.                     
"Stop Schwartznegger," they gasped                          
As he noisly rasped.                                        
He's a bad case of 'Brawn With The Wind'.                   
                                                            
 2625 ART - MOVIES                   Bob Giandomenico    P9012



Casablanca, for those on the lam,                           
Was where their real troubles began.                        
Poor Rick was misled;                                       
His girlfriend was wed.                                     
So he drank and said, "Play again, Sam."                    
                                                            
 2626 ART - MOVIES                   Arthur Deex         P8409



An eager young actress named Hartz,                         
Let directors make free with her parts.                     
What else can you do,                                       
When you're just twenty-two,                                
And not yet a name in the arts?                             
                                                            
 2627 ART - MOVIES                   John Ciardi              



Three babes who had bodies sublime,                         
Got their kicks fighting all sorts of crime.                
With great camera tricks                                    
Lifted from the Matrix,                                     
The movie's a rocking good time.                            
                                                            
 2628 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



A movie to see without fail,                                
Directed By A. Hill and Dale,                               
Depicts U.S. life;                                          
Hits home like a knife,                                     
Entitled 'The Check's in the Mail.'                         
                                                            
 2629 ART - MOVIES                   Jane D. Hughes      P9012



Said an ancient and prudish reviewer,                       
"The cinema's now just a sewer;                             
In an X-rated scene,                                        
A defunct sex machine                                       
Let a neuter computer unscrew her."                         
                                                            
 2630 ART - MOVIES                   Pierce Evans             



A bombastic movie, "Con Air!"                               
Was bereft of all humor or flair.                           
But despite its detractors,                                 
Gave three brainy actors                                    
A rare chance to let down their hair.                       
                                                            
 2631 ART - MOVIES                   Stargazer           T9707



Why is stale popcorn so pricey?                             
Why are sodas flat, nachos spicey.                          
And more to the point,                                      
At the theater joint,                                       
Why's the entertainment so dicey.                           
                                                            
 2632 ART - MOVIES                   Lynn Mostafa             



Said the actress, "So low I shan't dip!"                    
Said her manager, "None of your lip!"                       
Adding, "Don't be a prude!                                  
You must do this scene nude,                                
And NOT say, 'Forgive me my slip!'"                         
                                                            
 2633 ART - MOVIES                   Laurence Perrine    P8401



Someone should place an embargo                             
On the voters who didn't pick Fargo.                        
I said, "Surely, you jest --                                
English patient?  The best?                                 
Tell me where did your taste for bizarre go?"               
                                                            
 2634 ART - MOVIES                   Larry Hollister          



From Ben Johnson to Host Jerry Springer,                    
Epicene to a Latino lip-syncher.                            
What is the mode                                            
For breaking the code?                                      
The answer may be a humdinger.                              
(epicene - ambiguous sex, weak, not robust)                 
 2635 ART - MOVIES                   Amy Taipale              



"I shall star," vowed a girl from Biloxi,                   
"At Twentieth Century Foxi,"                                
And her movie career                                        
Really prospered last year:                                 
She's in charge of the mops at the Roxy.                    
                                                            
 2636 ART - MOVIES                                            



'Four Men on a Horse', critics say                          
Was squelched by the SPCA.                                  
"Three men and no more!                                     
But if you want four,                                       
Four Men on Two Horses, you may."                           
                                                            
 2637 ART - MOVIES                   Irving Superior     P9012



Historical movies are dandy,                                
A saga from some foreign land, see.                         
But, shucks, they're so few                                 
That it's making me blue,                                   
But I'll wait for the sequel to "Ghandi".                   
                                                            
 2638 ART - MOVIES                   Don Moore           P9012



'Return of the Wind' never done.                            
Though 'Gone With'...all time number one.                   
When Butler came back,                                      
An impotent fact,                                           
They can't have a horse-riding son.                         
                                                            
 2639 ART - MOVIES                   Irving Superior     P9012



With the South in a hell of a jam,                          
Most felt Robert E Lee was the man.                         
But his dumb brother Frank                                  
As a general, stank.                                        
Rhett said, "Frank Lee?  I don't give a damn."              
                                                            
 2640 ART - MOVIES                   Larry Hollister          



A small group of brave soldiers choose                      
A Mediterranean cruise.                                     
They are slightly betrayed                                  
By a pretty Greek Maid.                                     
In the end it's the Germans who lose.                       
                                                            
 2641 ART - MOVIES                   Arthur Deex         P8409



There was a young matron named Sally,                       
Who went with her groom up an alley.                        
There was naught she could do; (She was shit out of luck,)  
He was too young to screw.    (The young boy didn't fuck.)  
She muttered, "How Green Was My Valet."                     
                                                            
 2642 ART - MOVIES                                       G1604



A certain young fellow from Sorn                            
Was an ardent devotee of porn;                              
The frontal displays that encountered his gaze              
Encouraged this craze and assisted to raise                 
His rather inadequate horn.                                 
                                                            
 2643 ART - MOVIES                                            



With piston strokes long, smooth, and lazy,                 
Her chauffeur drove her nearly crazy.                       
When she gasped for "More!"                                 
She got four on the floor                                   
From this expert at 'Jiving Miss Daisy.'                    
                                                            
 2644 ART - MOVIES                   Bob Giandomenico    P9012



A handsome young actor from Brussells                       
Excelled in karate and muscles.                             
His films had sweet dames                                   
And romantic flames,                                        
But mostly spectacular tussles.                             
                                                            
 2645 ART - MOVIES                   Darel                    



A lady director named Taymore,                              
Thought she might try to get paid more.                     
Directing the Bard                                          
Turns out to be hard;                                       
She once worked for Disney -- need I say more?              
                                                            
 2646 ART - MOVIES                   Nicole Imbracsio         



Lassie is never sassy.                                      
Her Cartier collar is classy.                               
She is cured of rabies;                                     
Has pekinese babies,                                        
And lifts her leg on Raymond Massey.                        
                                                            
 2647 ART - MOVIES                   Jim Jambor          P9012



I'll do it for Art -- I'm no prude!                         
She said, as she posed in the nude.                         
Not ashamed of her thighs,                                  
But those perverted guys,                                   
They covered the net with pics lewd.                        
                                                            
 2648 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



Lost In Space had a casting alert:                          
"Get good actors, but don't lose your shirt!"               
They did sign their will,                                   
Found a penny but still,                                    
When it came to the Dad, they got Hurt.                     
                                                            
 2649 ART - MOVIES                   Larry Hollister          



As the little brown creature was dyin',                     
Instead of fussin' or cryin',                               
Told his two new-found friends,                             
The UNIVERSE is in                                          
The belt of a cat named Orion.                              
                                                            
 2650 ART - MOVIES                   Mystic                   



On the quest of the breadfruit, the crew                    
Finally gave their mean captain his due.                    
Then back to Tahiti                                         
To pick up a sweetie,                                       
And on to Pitcairn to screw.                                
                                                            
 2651 ART - MOVIES                   Martin Wellborn     P8409



This nature-film shows a lion                               
Hunkering down to dine,                                     
Killing and peelin'                                         
Snow White and an eland,                                    
And those dwarfs...not on prime time!                       
                                                            
 2652 ART - MOVIES                   Jim Jambor          P9012



Sans undies, stout Mrs. O'Malley                            
With both legs akimbo would dally.                          
Guys gawked and said, "Groovy!                              
She should make a movie                                     
And call it 'Obscene Was My Valley.'                        
                                                            
 2653 ART - MOVIES                   Bob Giandomenico    P9012



There's a starlet who's still in her teens,                 
Who's adept at removing her jeans.                          
And in X-rated flicks,                                      
So accomplished with pricks,                                
That she steals all the pictures obscenes.                  
                                                            
 2654 ART - MOVIES                                            



I went to the Pet Sematary                                  
To bury my poor dead canary.                                
The spirits I heard --                                      
They were flipping the bird                                 
'Til he came back, much less stationary.                    
                                                            
 2655 ART - MOVIES                   Larry Hollister          



How grand that there's porn for the mob!                    
For the lonely sheepherder and gob,                         
For the impotent jerk                                       
Whose penis won't perk,                                     
For the pervert, the rapist, and slob.                      
                                                            
 2656 ART - MOVIES                                      G2380a



The scene in Detroit was not pretty.                        
The crime rate had climbed above shitty.                    
So the cops built a droid                                   
That went out and destroyed                                 
All the evil that lurked in the city.                       
                                                            
 2657 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



Off in Africa, I've found my roots;                         
My most distant relations were beauts;                      
Papa Kunta Kinte                                            
Left wise words for today;                                  
"Don't run off, else dey cuts off yo' foots!"               
                                                            
 2658 ART - MOVIES                   Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Queen Bess will guzzle vanilla                              
In this super, high-budgeted thrilla'.                      
Errol Flynn as Lord Essex                                   
Shows the court yes-sex;                                    
Then all are et by Godzilla.                                
                                                            
 2659 ART - MOVIES                   Jim Jambor          P9012



Remember as kids, you'd be yawning,                         
And getting up well after dawning.                          
Then you'd put on your skates                               
And go with your mates                                      
To the pictures on Saturday Morning.                        
                                                            
 2660 ART - MOVIES                   Tiddy Ogg                



Everything then seemed much bigger.                         
On the screen you would see the huge figure                 
Of the outlaw, the rat,                                     
(Bad guys wore the black hats.)                             
Facing Roy Rogers and his faithful Trigger.                 
                                                            
 2661 ART - MOVIES                   Tiddy Ogg                



And if in the film there was kissing,                       
All we lads would be booing and hissing,                    
With cat-calls and jeers.                                   
Only in later years,                                        
Did we realize just what we were missing.                   
                                                            
 2662 ART - MOVIES                   Tiddy Ogg                



So next came the interval break,                            
And a rush for the kiosk we'd make.                         
As off we would dash,                                       
To hand over our cash,                                      
And popcorn or ice cream we'd take.                         
                                                            
 2663 ART - MOVIES                   Tiddy Ogg                



This feast over, on with the show;                          
But now we had missles to throw.                            
In the light of the screen,                                 
Balls of paper were seen,                                   
As sweet wrappers were madly let go.                        
                                                            
 2664 ART - MOVIES                   Tiddy Ogg                



It ended with something etherial;                           
Flash Gordon or some such material.                         
And we'd all sit there rapt,                                
As our hero was trapped                                     
At the end, 'cause that pic was the serial.                 
                                                            
 2665 ART - MOVIES                   Tiddy Ogg                



So you'd have to go back there next week,                   
For the outcome you just had to seek.                       
And in this rosy haze,                                      
We remember those days,                                     
As into our memories we peek.                               
                                                            
 2666 ART - MOVIES                   Tiddy Ogg                



Take a naked girl, eaten by sharks,                         
Add another, shot dead by the narcs,                        
A mad killer or two,                                        
A perverted fag screw,                                      
And peddle for millions of marks.                           
                                                            
 2667 ART - MOVIES                                       G2502



Stanley Kubrick, well he is the one                         
Who gave us 2001.                                           
He bared many a butt                                        
In that film Eyes Wide Shut,                                
But he didn't do Episode One.                               
                                                            
 2668 ART - MOVIES                   Steve Schrader           



Well, then let's try another of his;                        
His work, Clockwork Orange, well it is                      
A work of delight;                                          
I could watch it all night.                                 
That Stanley Kubrick sure is a wiz.                         
                                                            
 2669 ART - MOVIES                   Steve Schrader           



A lad with a gift like his pop's,                           
Sick and tired of tending the crops,                        
Joined an old geezer's crew                                 
When he lost Aunt Beru,                                     
And since then has been earning much props.                 
                                                            
 2670 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



One man with no friends and no backers,                     
Fights off two or three hundred attackers;                  
Leaves the criminal creeps                                  
Crushed and twisted in heaps.                               
Has he thought about joining the Packers?                   
                                                            
 2671 ART - MOVIES                   Larry Hollister          



'A Tale Of One City'-- it's dark.                           
The scenery eerie and stark.                                
The city, New York.                                         
Condemned man must walk                                     
As fast as he can--Central Park.                            
                                                            
 2672 ART - MOVIES                   Irving Superior     P9012



A young actress, with towering scorn,                       
Said Shakespearean dramas were corn;                        
Likewise Shaw and O'Niell,                                  
They just didn't appeal                                     
For her talents lay mostly in porn.                         
                                                            
 2673 ART - MOVIES                   Isaac Asimov       P8401 



A little-known actor named Bob,                             
Who sought an unusual job,                                  
Auditioned and stole                                        
The choice title role,                                      
And worked in the movie: "The Blob."                        
                                                            
 2674 ART - MOVIES                   Cybergeezer              



Here's a recipe, simple and quick:                          
Take some Wiest and a pinch of Patric,                      
Stir in some side stories                                   
And a couple of Coreys,                                     
And voila!  It's a vampire flick!                           
                                                            
 2675 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



A boy saw the dead with his eyes,                           
So they hired a shrink to advise.                           
At the end it's a shock                                     
When we learn that the doc                                  
Had some years ago met his demise.                          
                                                            
 2676 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



Although films have their niche and their nook,             
I choose rarely to give them a look.                        
I resent their high price                                   
And I know in a trice,                                      
Some of them will come out as a book.                       
                                                            
 2677 ART - MOVIES                   Loren Fitzhugh      P0007



A theatre owner named Kyle                                  
Made love to his girl in the aisle.                         
He was a creature                                           
Of a double feature,                                        
So he did her again...in a while.                           
                                                            
 2678 ART - MOVIES                   Thomas M. Patton    P9712



A damsel ran over the ice                                   
With footwork both fast and precise                         
Until she was free                                          
Of Simon Legree                                             
Whose treatment of her wasn't nice.                         
                                                            
 2679 ART - MOVIES                   R. J. Winkler       P8409



Here's a new movie to view.                                 
I wouldn't miss it, don't you!                              
Regards U.S. driving                                        
And rules for surviving...                                  
Its title is 'Up Your Kazoo'.                               
                                                            
 2680 ART - MOVIES                   Jane D. Hughes      P9012



"About Hollywood, somewhere I've read                       
That acting is easy," growled Fred.                         
"For people, they say,                                      
Win an Oscar today                                          
Who don't bother to get out of bed."                        
                                                            
 2681 ART - MOVIES                   A N Wilkins         P0211



It's never surprising to see                                
A bad Sandler film on the marquee.                          
But how in the Hell                                         
Did he sign on Keitel,                                      
For this God-awful suck-ass movie.                          
                                                            
 2682 ART - MOVIES                   Anon                     



And fast food stores now have the knack                     
Of getting on H Potters track:                              
Eye of newt, toe of frog,                                   
And the hair of the dog...                                  
Oh no, that's the standard Big Mac.                         
                                                            
 2683 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Tiddy Ogg                



Those same Big Macs we had last week;                       
Took a bite, groaned, decided to peek.                      
There was too little meat,                                  
The tomatoes deplet-                                        
Ed.  We left there, some good food to seek.                 
                                                            
 2684 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Hilde na Baeg            



I reading that old Potter, Harry,                           
And don't find the thing a bit scary.                       
But it robbed me a night's                                  
Or two's sleep, but not fright.                             
Kept me awake, interesting very.                            
                                                            
 2685 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Ulla                     



The merchandise, now though, is utter                       
Ly mod; you can get Harry Butter;                           
Bike parts: Harry Cotters;                                  
And fires: Harry Hotters;                                   
And golfers can get Harry Putters.                          
                                                            
 2686 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Tiddy Ogg                



A kid on a broomstick that flies,                           
And goblins and wizards and spies.                          
He's playing Quidditch,                                     
With a cute little witch.                                   
"Hermione, make this stick rise!"                           
                                                            
 2687 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Irish                    



Hello there, Hello from a witch!                            
How about a nice match of Quidditch?                        
I would sure like a quick                                   
Ride on your broom stick.                                   
Feel inclined to catch my Golden Snitch?                    
                                                            
 2688 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Ulla                     



About this game, of snatching your snitch;                  
For me there's one lingering hitch.                         
Acrophobic am I.                                            
I don't want to die,                                        
While trying to scratch my love itch.                       
                                                            
 2689 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Irish                    



I suggest, thence, the ground where it's stable.            
I know that down there I am able                            
To make like old Fluffy,                                    
And lap at your Muffy,                                      
Three times as we make our own fable!                       
                                                            
 2690 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Irish                    



Last night for the first time in a while,                   
We went to the movies in style.                             
Sound blasted our ears;                                     
Seats squeezed our old rears;                               
In fact there was scant cause to smile.                     
                                                            
 2691 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Tony Burrell             



The film was that Harry Potter;                             
Our daughter said that we just gotter                       
Go in the first week,                                       
To take the first peek.                                     
Did we have fun?  No, not a lotter.                         
                                                            
 2692 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Tony Burrell             



Pure Fantasy -- that a boy, Potter,                         
Around on a broom could make hotter                         
A cauldron or two,                                          
For its perfectly true                                      
That he'll not touch a broom when he's gotter!              
                                                            
 2693 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Dennis Hammes            



Not shown in the film, "Harry Potter",                      
Was the use of the brooms to save bother.                   
But the magic is tricky;                                    
Remember how Mickey                                         
Rued the moment he had one fetch water.                     
                                                            
 2694 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Dr Limerick              



Allow me to hazard a guess;                                 
Those brooms by themselves sweep the mess;                  
A wizard perk dandy                                         
Especially handy                                            
For debris from the game, Wizard Chess.                     
                                                            
 2695 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Dr Limerick              



As for Mickey's wiz lesson, I caught her,                   
(How broom begat daughter on daughter.)                     
But I will confess                                          
I don't use it on chess,                                    
For it generates nothing but slaughter.                     
                                                            
 2696 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Dennis Hammes            



Indeed, I have rather refined                               
My thoughts on "Wizard's Gambit Declined,"                  
For I watched a young master                                
Punch faster and faster --                                  
Till the clock punched him out of his mind.                 
                                                            
 2697 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Dennis Hammes            



The commune dweller, Anthony Cotter,                        
Wore a beard; was allergic to water.                        
He could throw clay to suit;                                
He was soiled and hirsute;                                  
Therefore he was the first hairy potter.                    
                                                            
 2698 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



This boy went to live with his aunt                         
And uncle, who said "But you can't                          
Be a wizard!  Absurd.                                       
If the neighbors all heard,                                 
You aren't a wizard!  You aren't!"                          
                                                            
 2699 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Hannah Potter            



He lived with them for some ten years,                      
Far away from his natural peers.                            
Till one day he found out;                                  
The secret was out,                                         
And it confirmed his family's worst fears.                  
                                                            
 2700 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Hannah Potter            



To Hogwarts school he was sent,                             
Where his happiest days were spent.                         
Different spells they learned                               
And potions they burned                                     
And he found out what friendship meant.                     
                                                            
 2701 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Hannah Potter            



He and his friends had adventures,                          
Which lead to them getting detentions.                      
They agreed to stop prying,                                 
Getting in trouble and spying,                              
Until something tested their intentions.                    
                                                            
 2702 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Hannah Potter            



Through a trapdoor they descended one night.                
A Dark Wizard they were ready to fight.                     
They broke diffent spells                                   
As legend now tells,                                        
Until the enemy was in sight.                               
                                                            
 2703 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Hannah Potter            



And sadly our story now ends.                               
Harry Potter goes home with his friends.                    
His family is horrible,                                     
Simply intolerable.                                         
We'll see Harry when the summer ends.                       
                                                            
 2704 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Hannah Potter            



Harry Potter's the one I like best,                         
And Hermione's cute, and the rest.                          
And Ron was a star;                                         
I even liked Voldemar!                                      
I just saw it, if you haven't guessed.                      
                                                            
 2705 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Willis Baddel            



Harry Potter's magic affair                                 
Made Ms Rowling a millionaire.                              
Are we pleased?  You bet!                                   
It's cleared our national debt,                             
And given a few quid to spare.                              
                                                            
 2706 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER    Tony Burrell             



Now Mr and young Mrs Offerstone                             
Were taking a trip  far away-from-home,                     
But she's getting angrier,                                  
He's off drinking sangria,                                  
And calls the receptionist on-the-phone.                    
                                                            
 2707 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER                             



What happens when hubby comes home,                         
On finding his wife not alone?                              
The tale's pretty groovy,                                   
It's all in a movie:                                        
`Hairy Porter And Phyl Offerstone.'                         
                                                            
 2708 ART - MOVIES - HARRY POTTER                             



The skill of a chacma named Turks                           
In painting is something that irks                          
Collectors today,                                           
For his paintings, they say,                                
Look much like De Kooning best works.                       
(chacma - a baboon of southern Africa)                      
 2709 ART - PAINTERS                 A. N. Wilkins       P8408



The artist, with his canvas and stand,                      
Has a palette and brush in his hand.                        
He'll paint what he sees;                                   
A landscape with trees?                                     
Perhaps the sea and the shore and sand.                     
                                                            
 2710 ART - PAINTERS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A woman who painted, named Sue,                             
Did all of her paintings in blue;                           
They were put on display                                    
In a hall in Bombay,                                        
And received an outstanding review.                         
                                                            
 2711 ART - PAINTERS                 Cap'n Bean               



For his Campbell's Soup screen-prints, society's            
Wild about Warhol. In quiet he's                            
Wishing that Heinz                                          
Had inspired his designs;                                   
He'd have 57 varieties.                                     
                                                            
 2712 ART - PAINTERS                 Bill Greenwell           



Beauty is in eyes of beholder;                              
Even Beardsley made some parts bolder.                      
Thus the viewers eye                                        
Could see humor wry;                                        
Thus Aubrey's lines tawdry won't moulder.                   
                                                            
 2713 ART - PAINTERS                 Daniel Ford              



There was a young man from Des Moines,                      
Whose artistry leaned to bare loin.                         
He peddled his pix                                          
With digital licks,                                         
'Til Big Brother reneged for some coin.                     
                                                            
 2714 ART - PAINTERS                                          



An old abstract painter, MacNeal,                           
Was painting a pussy so real,                               
That while he was painting,                                 
From desire he was fainting,                                
And he blew on the canvas, the heel.                        
                                                            
 2715 ART - PAINTERS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1882



Far beyond all the girls of Pirelli,                        
Are the females of S. Botticelli.                           
Each has porcelain skin,                                    
And a pert pointed chin,                                    
And erogenous body and belly.                               
(Pirelli Tires puts out a girly calandar)                   
 2716 ART - PAINTERS                 I D M Morley             



There once was this talented lass,                          
Whose paintings were judged as first class.                 
Although nobody knew                                        
That each time that she'd screw,                            
She'd paint with a brush in her ass.                        
                                                            
 2717 ART - PAINTERS                                          



That famous old painter, Cezanne,                           
Fucked a hole in an old frying pan.                         
"I just love rough edges!                                   
I fuck all the hedges,                                      
And cats on the Island of Man."                             
                                                            
 2718 ART - PAINTERS                                     G1213



The Impressionist, Claude O. Monet,                         
When he found funds for food one Spring day,                
Purchased a Kaiser Roll,                                    
And then traded his sole                                    
For the more risque catfish fillet.                         
                                                            
 2719 ART - PAINTERS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



I've looked very close in the hay                           
And I think I can truthfully say,                           
If phalli abound,                                           
They chiefly are found                                      
By Randog and not Claude Monet.                             
                                                            
 2720 ART - PAINTERS                 John Miller              



The hay stacks of deft Claude Monet                         
When viewed very closely, display                           
A phallus-filled field                                      
Where Sis Chris, concealed,                                 
Is planning to ambush her prey.                             
                                                            
 2721 ART - PAINTERS                 Randog                   



I crawl through that field and I laugh!                     
Old Monet did not make a gaffe!                             
That's me, with a callus,                                   
From checking the phallus                                   
And sorting the wheat from the chaff.                       
                                                            
 2722 ART - PAINTERS                 Sis Chris                



A lusty young artist, Da Vinci,                             
Had a model both lovely and flinch-y.                       
She was always distressed                                   
While she was undressed --                                  
But she gained immortality, din't she?                      
                                                            
 2723 ART - PAINTERS                 Norm Storer              



A ten-sou grisette named Cecile,                            
Thus cautioned another jeune fille,                         
"Now Dali is jolly,                                         
But watch him, by golly!                                    
Or he'll stuff up your ass with an eel."                    
                                                            
 2724 ART - PAINTERS                                     L1445



In a high-fashioned journal for queers,                     
A layout by Dali appears.                                   
It depicts a June bride,                                    
With three breasts on each side,                            
Caressing a penis with ears.                                
                                                            
 2725 ART - PAINTERS                                     G2467



DaVinci, the master of guile,                               
Gave Mona that mystical smile.                              
To capture her eye,                                         
He unzipped his fly                                         
And played with his pecker - What style!                    
                                                            
 2726 ART - PAINTERS                 Dick Buenger        P9006



Bleary-eyed, blithering, and blotto,                        
Having paid his homage to Giotto,                           
He painted a nude,                                          
Dreamed he got screwed,                                     
And called himself Dear Uncle Otto.                         
                                                            
 2727 ART - PAINTERS                                     G2263



I treasure my new Delacroix;                                
It has me spellbound and in awe.                            
This full-figured nude                                      
Has me in the mood                                          
To wank till I rub myself raw.                              
                                                            
 2728 ART - PAINTERS                 Randog                   



A mincing young artist names Spacey                         
Loved wearing girls' clothes, soft and lacy;                
His muy macho daddy                                         
Said, "Goddammit, laddie,                                   
Your choice of street wear is disgracy."                    
                                                            
 2729 ART - PAINTERS                 Armand Singer       P2006



There is a big artist named Val                             
The roughs and the prize fighter's pal.                     
The mind of a groom                                         
And the head of a broom                                     
Were nature's endowments to Val.                            
                                                            
 2730 ART - PAINTERS                 Dante G. Rossetti        



There once was an artist named Frank                        
Who often got tanked when he drank.                         
The liquor pervaded                                         
His mind and it faded.                                      
And he kept on drawing a blank.                             
                                                            
 2731 ART - PAINTERS                 Observer                 



A painter of birds, Edward Lear,                            
For limericks was known far and near.                       
But this handsome owl                                       
And assorted fine fowl                                      
Show Lear in his other career.                              
(Smithsonian, Sept 1981, on Lear as a painter of birds)     
 2732 ART - PAINTERS                                     P8303



An Eskimo painter named Jude,                               
To achieve just the right Arctic mood,                      
(A device quite artistic                                    
But close to sadistic)                                      
Stands his models on ice in the nude.                       
                                                            
 2733 ART - PAINTERS                 Armand E Singer       137



BACK FROM BOHEMIA                                           
Said a slant eyed young jade of Japan,                      
"I must study under Gauguin!"                               
Though he taught her at first,                              
Soon their places reversed,                                 
And she became Yin, and he Yan.                             
 2734 ART - PAINTERS                                     L1443



When Gauguin was visiting Fiji                              
He said, "Things are different here, e.g.                   
While Tahitian skin                                         
Calls for tan, spread out thin,                             
You must slosh it on here with a squeegee.                  
                                                            
 2735 ART - PAINTERS                 Victor Gray         P9002



Paul Gauguin, an impressionist meany,                       
Ditched his wife for a brown-skinned wahine,                
Who said, "Too bad, Paul.                                   
You're so big and so tall,                                  
But you have such a undersized weenie."                     
                                                            
 2736 ART - PAINTERS                 William N Nesbit         



Mousieur Gauguin?  He's gone to Tahiti.                     
Where the girls are so friendly and preety.                 
'E paints them tout bare,                                   
With the lovely black hair,                                 
And bodies so - how you say - meaty!"                       
                                                            
 2737 ART - PAINTERS                 Stanley J. Sharpless     



Gauguin got a native girl stewed                            
And convinced her to pose in the nude;                      
When her father espied her                                  
With the artist astride her,                                
He yelled, "Now you're screwed, blewed and tatooed!"        
                                                            
 2738 ART - PAINTERS                 Robin K. Willoughby P8312



Once Georges Pierre Seurat said to me,                      
"The purpose of Art is to free                              
Up the spirit of man,                                       
To ascend if it can."                                       
And he stated that most pointedly.                          
                                                            
 2739 ART - PAINTERS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



Said a cocky young artist named Wriston,                    
"There is only one thing I insist on;                       
I can stand contradictions                                  
That insult my convictions,                                 
But I'd kill if my paintings got pissed on."                
                                                            
 2740 ART - PAINTERS                 Armand E Singer       669



Said the Duchess of Alba to Goya,                           
"Do some pictures to hang in my foyer."                     
So he painted her twice,                                    
In the nude to look nice,                                   
And then in her clothes to annoy 'er.                       
                                                            
 2741 ART - PAINTERS                 Wynford Vaughn-Thomas    



Said La Maja Desnuda to Goya,                               
"I'll admit that you are my employa;                        
But I came here to pose.                                    
Not to hole up and hose;                                    
To a model, such antics annoya!"                            
                                                            
 2742 ART - PAINTERS                 Gramd Prix Lim  999 P9703



His neighbors would shout, "Hello, Dali!"                   
Whenever he'd eat some tomale.                              
He'd share his steamed lobster                              
With a Mafia mobster,                                       
And then spend the night with his collie.                   
                                                            
 2743 ART - PAINTERS                                          



There was a young woman from Stroud,                        
Whose artistic skills did her proud.                        
She thought it not rude                                     
To paint in the nude,                                       
And soon drew a sizeable crowd.                             
                                                            
 2744 ART - PAINTERS                 Richard Long             



Though his talent was not highly touted,                    
"The price is three dollars", he shouted.                   
I'd offered him two,                                        
But since that won't do,                                    
He sat by his easel and pouted.                             
                                                            
 2745 ART - PAINTERS                 Tony Davie Collection    



The smile on the famed Mona Lisa                            
Has long been a bit of a teaser.                            
Perhaps Leonardo                                            
In a fit of bravado,                                        
Made as if he were going to squeeze her.                    
                                                            
 2746 ART - PAINTERS                 Stanley J Sharpless      



Said DaVinci, just finished with 'Lisa',                    
"I think I'll hop over to Pisa.                             
I hear there's a steeple                                    
Where grin-sickened people                                  
Can climb, lean and puke without visa."                     
                                                            
 2747 ART - PAINTERS                 Joseph Kesselring   P8312



Leonardo da Vinci? Why he's a                               
Remarkably potent old geezer.                               
His skilled sexual quirks                                   
But well-satisfied smirks                                   
On his models, e.g., Mona Lisa.                             
                                                            
 2748 ART - PAINTERS                 Isaac Asimov             



Joe Louis, Jack Dempsey, or Ali--                           
If ever you met in an alley,                                
Whenever he's through,                                      
Your face will change to                                    
A Pablo..., or Salvatore Dali.                              
                                                            
 2749 ART - PAINTERS                 Irving Superior     P9309



That horny old rascal, Manet,                               
While buggering a boy on the Quay,                          
Was attacked by a crick                                     
In the tip of his prick.                                    
"Merde!" he cried, "Quick! Baume Bengue!"                   
                                                            
 2750 ART - PAINTERS                                     L1444



There was a French painter, Matisse,                        
Remarked as he plugged his fat niece,                       
"You claim it feels awful                                   
And I know it's unlawful,                                   
But for Chrisakes DON'T call the police!"                   
                                                            
 2751 ART - PAINTERS                 Grand Prix Lim   54      



What! Parted without even a kiss?                           
Pray, what is the meaning of this?                          
I declare it's not fair!                                    
I shall tear out my hair,                                   
And next time, I'll be done by Matisse!                     
                                                            
 2752 ART - PAINTERS                 X A M                    



A lively young thing from Bryn Mawr,                        
Was raped by an ape in the Bois.                            
Picasso appeared,                                           
He coughed lightly and leered,                              
"Carajo! C'est Matisse, par ma foi!"                        
                                                            
 2753 ART - PAINTERS                                     L1447



Matisse, in a period of gloom,                              
And obsessed with demtntia and doom,                        
Did describe in detail                                      
His traumatic travail                                       
As he tried to reenter the womb.                            
                                                            
 2754 ART - PAINTERS                 Phil Cannibal       P9012



Michaelangelo Buonarroti                                    
Spent most of his life on his body,                         
Or lying or kneeling                                        
Too close to the ceiling                                    
On a scaffold too far from the potty.                       
                                                            
 2755 ART - PAINTERS                 Pangolin           TP9901



An art dealer in France name of Maude                       
Bought a Monet with which she was awed.                     
With passion exuded,                                        
"The frame's not included?"                                 
On the basis of that she claimed fraud.                     
                                                            
 2756 ART - PAINTERS                 Tom Patton               



A talented woman named Stipples,                            
In the art world, created some ripples,                     
With the paintings she made                                 
Every time she got laid,                                    
With a brush she attached to her nipples.                   
                                                            
 2757 ART - PAINTERS                 Cap'n Bean          P9902



Said Bob Squirrel's wife, with restraint,                   
When he dipped his long tail in some paint,                 
"You can crack nuts with ease,                              
And you're good climbing trees,                             
But the world's greatest artist, you ain't."                
                                                            
 2758 ART - PAINTERS                 Funfax Limericks         



A trompe l'oeil painter named Light                         
Depicted a cunt stretched and tight.                        
It looked so damn real, it                                  
Was like he could feel it.                                  
He came all alone at the sight.                             
                                                            
 2759 ART - PAINTERS                 Armand E Singer       442



Our favorite painter, Carrara,                              
Depicted a brilliant tiara                                  
On the nethermost part                                      
Of a brazen young tart --                                   
Now what will he paint on, tomorrow?                        
                                                            
 2760 ART - PAINTERS                 James Montgomery         



Grandma Johnson, while bombed on bad booze,                 
Painted "Pecker Attacking Large Cooze."                     
Said she, "It ain't quaint,                                 
But I just had to paint                                     
One the greeting-card people can't use."                    
                                                            
 2761 ART - PAINTERS                                     G2269



Duane was quite charmed with Picasso,                       
A cubist who made him groan basso                           
At rectangle slits,                                         
And roundest of tits,                                       
And several views of one asso.                              
                                                            
 2762 ART - PAINTERS                 H Welchel                



When he first viewed the works of Picasso,                  
A Spanish art critic cried, "Ab, so,                        
Contortion, distortion,                                     
And want of proportion,                                     
Lead one to inquire, Que paso?"                             
                                                            
 2763 ART - PAINTERS                 Bob Giandomenico    P0205



A curious artist, Picasso:                                  
His voice was remarkably basso,                             
His balls were both cubic,                                  
His hair was all pubic.                                     
Some thought him a bit of an ass hole.                      
                                                            
 2764 ART - PAINTERS                 Linda Marsh Coll         



Some say as Picasso got older,                              
His use of abstraction grew bolder,                         
When looking how faces                                      
Were scattered all places:                                  
Seems art's in the eye of beer holder!                      
                                                            
 2765 ART - PAINTERS                 Jon Gearhart             



When Picasso was tender in years,                           
He considered some other careers                            
While reading reportage                                     
Of imminent shortage                                        
Of models with eyes in their ears.                          
                                                            
 2766 ART - PAINTERS                 Cyber Geezer             



When I see the Nudes of Van Rijn,                           
When I see how lucious their skin,                          
How languid they lie;                                       
If no guards are by,                                        
Then I climb the wall and crawl in.                         
                                                            
 2767 ART - PAINTERS                 Irving Superior     P8312



Old Dutch Masters considered them fine,                     
Whether posed sitting down or supine.                       
His nudes seemed content                                    
Albeit corpulent                                            
When painted by Rembrandt van Rijn.                         
                                                            
 2768 ART - PAINTERS                 Loren C. Fitzhugh        



Some consider it crudity;                                   
Still others think it is lewdity.                           
Yet Renoir and such                                         
Contributed much                                            
To promoting the art of nudity.                             
                                                            
 2769 ART - PAINTERS                 Macsam                   



I have stared at the works of Renoir,                       
Ogled the Titian repetoire.                                 
Viewed Canaletto,                                           
Admired Tintoretto,                                         
And left them without 'au revoir'.                          
                                                            
 2770 ART - PAINTERS                 Ericka                   



But the picture you've painted for me,                      
About us and desire and the sea,                            
Made a lasting impression...                                
(Twice...in succession)                                     
Show me more of your culture; please me.                    
                                                            
 2771 ART - PAINTERS                 Ericka                   



Large ladies were painted by Rubens,                        
And though he did not paint their pubens,                   
Big tits on display                                         
Meant with percy I'd play,                                  
Till juices spurt out of my tubens.                         
                                                            
 2772 ART - PAINTERS                 Tiddy Ogg                



Rubens ignored VICISSITUDE                                  
And painted another soft nude,                              
Considered wisely                                           
Each zaftig-sizely                                          
As very artistic, not lewd.                                 
                                                            
 2773 ART - PAINTERS                 Chris Papa               



A painter named Salvador Dali                               
Was stopped by a harlot in Bali.                            
So he made a cheap deal,                                    
And he fucked her, the heel,                                
As she hung from a post in the alley.                       
                                                            
 2774 ART - PAINTERS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0674



The great artist Salvador Dali                              
Grew rich on other men's folly.                             
The stuff he did paint,                                     
Would make a ghoul faint,                                   
But sold like the best yuletide holly.                      
                                                            
 2775 ART - PAINTERS                 Timothy Torkildson       



A doll duly diddled by Dali                                 
Cried, "Criminy, Man! That was jolly!"                      
In nine months labor pains                                  
Made her scream as she strains,                             
"That diddle with Dali was folly!"                          
                                                            
 2776 ART - PAINTERS                 Grand Prix Lim   51      



I wish I was this stylistic,                                
And could draw like you, artistic.                          
But my talent is none,                                      
'Less I use my tongue,                                      
It would be more surrealistic.                              
                                                            
 2777 ART - PAINTERS                                          



I'll paint you in shades of green.                          
You'll think it a nightmarish scene.                        
But my brush will express,                                  
With strokes of finesse,                                    
And end up a very sweet dream.                              
                                                            
 2778 ART - PAINTERS                                          



My aunt left me a Rembrandt and quaint                      
Stradivari -- Boy did I faint!                              
I rushed them to town                                       
To a dealer renowned,                                       
But Stradivari, he said, didn't paint.                      
                                                            
 2779 ART - PAINTERS                 Friar                    



I hate Toulouse-Lautrec of my dough,                        
Cassatt makes me angry, you know.                           
"Degas hole!" he cried                                      
"Put some Monet inside!                                     
Now take what you have Van Gogh!"                           
                                                            
 2780 ART - PAINTERS                                          



A artist who lived in an attic,                             
Received news that made him feel ecstatic.                  
His style, colours, and verve                               
Hit a patron's raw nerve;                                   
Fame after that was axiomatic.                              
                                                            
 2781 ART - PAINTERS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a model, quite luscious,                     
Especially cute when she blushes.                           
To be painted would please her,                             
Though the artist would tease her                           
And tickle her tush with his brushes.                       
                                                            
 2782 ART - PAINTERS                                          



When a wealthy collector from Mission                       
Asked an expert, "Is this a real Titian?"                   
What did the guy say?                                       
To the owner's dismay,                                      
He said, "No. It's a real repetition."                      
                                                            
 2783 ART - PAINTERS                 A. N. Wilkins       P8508



I'm off this week, thought I might paint,                   
But the fumes were so strong, made me faint,                
Right off of the ladder.                                    
Now there's a big splatter,                                 
'Cause I took a step where it ain't.                        
                                                            
 2784 ART - PAINTERS                                          



The only thing hurt was my pride.                           
Got that splatter up before it dried.                       
As for where I landed,                                      
My jeans are now branded,                                   
And my ass looks like it's been tie-dyed.                   
                                                            
 2785 ART - PAINTERS                                          



There was a young painter named Jake,                       
Who squeezed on his palette madder lake,                    
And cerulean blue,                                          
And black and white too,                                    
A real mix of colors that would make.                       
                                                            
 2786 ART - PAINTERS                 Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



Velasquez of Spain took a ship                              
To see all the East in one trip.                            
But a cheap whore in Tiflis                                 
Gave him crabs, clap, and syphilis,                         
And he henceforth mixed paints with the drip.               
                                                            
 2787 ART - PAINTERS                                     G1954



Said a famous old painter, Vermeer,                         
"I refuse to paint nudes from the rear;                     
The reason's quite practical                                
And totally tactical:                                       
It is damned hard to draw a true sphere."                   
                                                            
 2788 ART - PAINTERS                 Armand E Singer       283



The rumor was Whistler would sock her                       
And when she stood up he would knock her.                   
When neighbors complained,                                  
The good man explained,                                     
"My mother, the Dear's off her rocker."                     
                                                            
 2789 ART - PAINTERS                 Irving Superior          



An artist dipped pen into ink                               
And drew a lush nude in a mink...                           
Then drooled, "Were you real,                               
I feel that you'd feel                                      
Hot to do what you'd think I would think.                   
                                                            
 2790 ART - PAINTERS                 Grand Prix Lim  451      



Regardez-vous Toulouse-Lautrec,                             
Though at first glance, an ambulant wreck.                  
He could fuck once a week                                   
A la maniere antique,                                       
And once in a while a la Grecque                            
                                                            
 2791 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC                           L1446



A horny old maid of Quebec                                  
Was robbed and was raped by Lautrec.                        
And he raped her so well                                    
That she said to him, "Hell,                                
You can fuck me again, here's a cheque."                    
                                                            
 2792 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Albin Chaplin   3024-0307



The painter Lautrec said, "J'accuse!"                       
When his trousers some sought to abuse.                     
What exactly was meant                                      
When the crowd would comment,                               
"These pants are becomming 'Toulous'."                      
                                                            
 2793 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Ed                       



There once was a man from Quebec,                           
Whose tool was not quite up to spec.                        
Though he blamed the ill-fit                                
On the gals he was with,                                    
All the gals called him "Too Loose, Lautrec!"               
                                                            
 2794 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Ashamed             T9801



I'm an aesthete, I don't wash my neck.                      
As for sex, why I just hunt and peck.                       
Who cares about gender,                                     
Provided it's tender                                        
And you're the too Touleuse-Lautrec?                        
                                                            
 2795 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Conrad Aiken             



It was Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec                            
Who once said to his mom, "What the heck!                   
Since my stature is short,                                  
I'll make painting my sport.                                
And my style will of course be low tech."                   
                                                            
 2796 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Donald R Moore           



Have you heard about Toulouse-Lautrec?                      
Though at first flush, an ambulant wreck.                   
He could hitch up his nuts                                  
And follow his putz                                         
Into twitchets, right up to his neck!                       
                                                            
 2797 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC                           G0638



Toulouse-Latrec always sings                                
When he starts out on one of his flings.                    
Unconcerned with his lackages,                              
He knows that small packages,                               
Like his, always come in good things.                       
                                                            
 2798 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Arthur Deex         P8303



In a brothel Lautrec said, "Yes quite,                      
When you told me I could, you were right.                   
You stood me on a chair                                     
And proved right then and there,                            
That I'd be up to it all night!"                            
                                                            
 2799 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



Said Toulouse-Lautrec with a yawn,                          
"I had better be going, it's dawn.                          
Please accept my warm thanks,                               
These ten sous and four francs                              
For so cleverly putting me on."                             
                                                            
 2800 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



A French tailor named Lautrec LaFoose,                      
Made such errors he cooked his own goose.                   
The coats never were right,                                 
The vests always too tight,                                 
And the trousers? Well, they were Toulouse.                 
                                                            
 2801 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Warrick Elrod            



When asked 'bout his height old Toulouse                    
Said, "Really I've nothing to lose...                       
'Cause while on my feet                                     
I'm muff-high, it's neat,                                   
And in bed!  What a place for a snooze!"                    
                                                            
 2802 ART - PAINTERS - LAUTREC       Tutta Gioia              



A painting by Vincent Van Gogh                              
Just cost me a bundle of dough.                             
And I'm in such sorrow                                      
Because I must borrow                                       
A dollar to pay off my woe.                                 
                                                            
 2803 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Travis Brasell           



When visiting Vincent, Gauguin                              
Remarked that his friend was a man                          
Who would lend you an ear,                                  
So he stayed for a year,                                    
And back to Tahiti he ran.                                  
                                                            
 2804 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Hugh Clary               



A man called Vincent Van Gogh                               
Developed an ear-splitting cough.                           
No sleep could he get                                       
And he wouldn't have yet                                    
Had he not lopped the other ear off.                        
                                                            
 2805 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Spike Mulligan           



Van Gogh was well-known to be rash;                         
He cut off his ear with one slash,                          
And gave it with pride                                      
To a doxy who sighed,                                       
"Gee, thanks, Vince, but I prefer cash!"                    
                                                            
 2806 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      MarcoM              P8307



A young man named Vincent Van Gogh                          
Developed a medical wogh.                                   
Otitis Media                                                
Gave him an idea                                            
And he shipped his ear off to a hogh.                       
                                                            
 2807 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Arthur Deex         P0007



The artist called Vincent Van Gogh,                         
(He's the one who just chopped his ear off.)                
His paintings well styled,                                  
His tempter so wild,                                        
Though his ear made a fine stroganoff.                      
                                                            
 2808 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Jayne                    



Van Gogh in his time was humble;                            
No one'll buy one, he'd mumble.                             
After death I am told                                       
All OPUSCULES sold.                                         
At artwork he did not bumble.                               
                                                            
 2809 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      append                   



Dutch artists named Vincent and Joe,                        
Bought vans that cost lots of dough.                        
A street race was held                                      
As onlookers yelled,                                        
"Just look at that Vincent van go!"                         
                                                            
 2810 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Lucille Clements         



Old Vincent Van Gogh, LUFTMENSCH they say,                  
Could often paint a canvas a day.                           
But rather than labor,                                      
He'd take a sharp saber                                     
And "swish!"  Here comes another sick-day!                  
                                                            
 2811 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Jim                      



By Vincent, while having a beer,                            
Sat a mam'selle of good cheer...                            
He said, "Well ok...."                                      
When he heard her say,                                      
"Oh Vinnie, please lend me an ear."                         
                                                            
 2812 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Tutta Gioia              



The act of Van Gogh was excusable,                          
When he cut off his ear that was usable.                    
For he had a belief                                         
That he could get relief                                    
If he got a new Irreproducible.                             
                                                            
 2813 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Roger Brandt             



Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,                       
And accept a small painting as pay.                         
"Vive l'Art!", cried Van Gogh,                              
"But it's too fucking slow--                                
I wish I could paint ten a day!"                            
                                                            
 2814 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH                          L1448



Van Gogh, feeling devil-may-care,                           
Labelled one of his efforts 'The Chair'.                    
No-one knows if the bloke                                   
Perpetrated a joke,                                         
Or the furniture needed repair.                             
                                                            
 2815 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      PIBWOB                   



Utrillo, Van Gogh and Manet                                 
Or Pissaro; we'll view them one day.                        
But it seems you need fun                                   
With your panties undone;                                   
I refer to your suntan affray.                              
                                                            
 2816 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Peter Wilkins            



Bizarre is the word for Van Gogh                            
Who cut off his ear, as you know.                           
When he wanted it back,                                     
What made his mood black,                                   
Was the fact that he'd not learned to sew.                  
                                                            
 2817 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Macsam                   



In case you meet Vincent Van Gogh,                          
You'll notice he wears his chapeau                          
Way down on one side                                        
Attempting to hide...                                       
Pretend that you don't even know.                           
                                                            
 2818 ART - PAINTERS - VAN GOGH      Irving Superior     P8205



A barbarous critic from Burunda,                            
Committed a grave social blunda,                            
By having emissions,                                        
Before several Titians,                                     
In the Andrew J. Mellon rotunda.                            
                                                            
 2819 ART - PAINTING                                          



An artist named Theodore Fink,                              
Enjoyed making copies in ink.                               
Why, the copy he wrote                                      
Of a five-dollar note                                       
Was so good he is now in the clink.                         
                                                            
 2820 ART - PAINTING                                          



A newspaper writer named Fling,                             
Could make copy from most anything;                         
But the copy he wrote                                       
Of a ten-dollar note                                        
Was so good, he is now in Sing Sing.                        
                                                            
 2821 ART - PAINTING                                          



When Angelico worked in cerise,                             
For the angel, he painted his niece.                        
In a heavenly trance,                                       
He pulled off her pants,                                    
And erected a fine altar-piece.                             
                                                            
 2822 ART - PAINTING                                          



There was a young woman who said,                           
"My cheeks are so round and so red,                         
And the light on my dress                                   
Is like pure happiness,                                     
In the shade of the apple-tree, spread."                    
                                                            
 2823 ART - PAINTING                 Frances Cornford         



The monarch of old Asgalun,                                 
Was said to be struck by the moon.                          
He leaped from his bed,                                     
With his rump painted red,                                  
And cried, "I'm a Kushite baboon!"                          
                                                            
 2824 ART - PAINTING                                          



There once was an artist who drew                           
Large crowds to blank canvases. "Oooh!"                     
Cried the critics, "The essence                             
Of post incandescence                                       
Of conceptualized deja vu!"                                 
                                                            
 2825 ART - PAINTING                 John Ciardi              



A painter of avant-garde art                                
Did a portrait of Arthur Quinn, Bart.                       
Quinn's widow, they say,                                    
Turned away in dismay:                                      
"It's a painting -- but, sir, is it Art?"                   
                                                            
 2826 ART - PAINTING                 Laurence Perrine    P8511



The cross-eyed old painter, McNeff,                         
Was color-blind, palsied, and deaf.                         
When he asked to be touted,                                 
The critics all shouted,                                    
"This is art with a capital F!""                            
                                                            
 2827 ART - PAINTING                                     L1580



Steroscopically different McNapt,                           
Was hue disenhanced, tremor apt,                            
And otic-disabled.                                          
Foreign art critics cabled,                                 
"By your art (with an F) we are rapt."                      
("With a capital C your work's rapt.")                      
 2828 ART - PAINTING                 Arthur Deex         P9312



The art-loving Bishop of Truro                              
Kept a nude by Renoir in his bureau;                        
He explained, "It's not smut                                
That engrosses me, but                                      
Nineteenth century chiaroscuro." (light and dark shadows)   
                                                            
 2829 ART - PAINTING                 Mavor Moore, Toronto  27b



Aqua blue is quite peaceful it's said,                      
While gray tones are thought heavy as lead.                 
And we're told a serene                                     
Feeling comes with sea green,                               
And heat emanates from angry red.                           
                                                            
 2830 ART - PAINTING                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



There was a young man of Australia,                         
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.                          
The drawing was fine,                                       
The color divine,                                           
But the scent was an absolute failure.                      
                                                            
 2831 ART - PAINTING                 Norman Douglas      L1368



Skilled artists required with a flair                       
For painting wild beasts, many rare.                        
Private zoo, Knowsley Hall                                  
In Lancashire. Call                                         
Earl of Derby, Belgravia Square.                            
                                                            
 2832 ART - PAINTING                 A. N. Wilkins       P8703



There we was, and wanting our tea,                          
And him painting Hubby and me;                              
My, was we bored!                                           
They showed it abroad,                                      
And now they call it "On we".                               
(Walter Sackert, Ennui)                                     
 2833 ART - PAINTING                 P E A                    



A new career is 'bout to start,                             
Because every time that I fart,                             
There is left a brown streak                                
In my shorts. (tongue in cheek)                             
The question remains: Is it art?                            
                                                            
 2834 ART - PAINTING                 Dirruk                   



There was an old artist named Nate                          
Whose paintings were flocked and were great.                
As he fingered his cock,                                    
He fell down in the flock,                                  
And was flocked by the finger of fate.                      
                                                            
 2835 ART - PAINTING                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2206



The auctioneer said, "It ain't funny;                       
That painting's a forgery, sonny.                           
A Rubens? What tosh!"                                       
I replied "Oh my gosh!                                      
What a bugger -- I needed the Monet."                       
                                                            
 2836 ART - PAINTING                 Peter Wilkins            



A mystical painter named Foxx,                              
Once picked up a girl on the docks.                         
He made an elliptic                                         
Mysterious triptych,                                        
And painted it right on her box.                            
                                                            
 2837 ART - PAINTING                                     L1421



At the art show a painter named Brose                       
For his entry GOD'S NOSTRILS he chose.                      
Though his work won acclaim,                                
Critics asked why the name.                                 
And his cryptic reply was, "God Nose!"                      
                                                            
 2838 ART - PAINTING                 Albin Chaplin       P9102



A free-lancing artist named Greely,                         
Had a model that suited ideally.                            
At the first scent of paint,                                
She would fall in a faint,                                  
And only revived when lanced freely.                        
                                                            
 2839 ART - PAINTING                                     G0605



As a Valentine message, young Bonnet,                       
Having failed at composing a sonnet,                        
Drew his girlfriend a card                                  
That the censors have barred;                               
Both a heart and a hardon are on it!                        
                                                            
 2840 ART - PAINTING                                          



An ascetic art student named Josh,                          
Said, "Artistic license won't wash!                         
My models wear tights,                                      
For worldly delights                                        
Are a lot of Hieronymous Bosch."                            
                                                            
 2841 ART - PAINTING                 D H Cudmore              



The farmer said, Sure as I'm born,                          
My son's got a BA in 'Porn';                                
He's got books full of boobs,                               
Snatches, asses, and pubes                                  
He calls 'History of Art'.  What top corn!!"                
                                                            
 2842 ART - PAINTING                 Robin K Willoughby  P8312



I consider I really am through                              
With Hobbema's Dutch Avenue.                                
The trees are so tall,                                      
Their tops are so small,                                    
And they utterly ruin the view.                             
                                                            
 2843 ART - PAINTING                 Elizabeth H Lister       



A painter of Pop, known as Jacques,                         
Intends each new canvas to shock.                           
Outsized genitalia,                                         
Gave the critics heart-failure,                             
But one dubbed it pure Poppycock.                           
                                                            
 2844 ART - PAINTING                                     G2374



An eccentric old bag named Revere,                          
Had tattoos that were mostly unclear.                       
When she chose, though, to spread,                          
There was one such that said,                               
"In his cups, boys, old Kilroy was here!"                   
                                                            
 2845 ART - PAINTING                                          



"Mona Lisa," says art critic Phipps,                        
"As a spread nude would generate quips,                     
If Da Vinci had limned                                      
Her beguilingly quimmed,                                    
With a smile on her intimate lips."                         
                                                            
 2846 ART - PAINTING                 Jim O'Conner        P8902



There was a young model from Pi-a                           
Who posed for a painter to be a                             
Terrific success,                                           
But he misplaced her 's',                                   
So she ended up named Mona Li-a.                            
                                                            
 2847 ART - PAINTING                 W. Haskins               



She smiles much like Trav with his cows;                    
She's famous and has no eyebrows.                           
She's well-known throughout                                 
The whole world, no doubt,                                  
And able, her fans to arouse.                               
                                                            
 2848 ART - PAINTING                 Observer                 



Now you have got my mind busy;                              
I'm growing most thoroughly dizzy.                          
I think it's that mover                                     
They hung in the Louvre,                                    
That some folks have named Moaning Lizzie.                  
                                                            
 2849 ART - PAINTING                 Tiddy Ogg                



Yes, now you have done yourself proud;                      
With intellect, friend, you're endowed.                     
Art lovers are fond o'                                      
The La Giaconda;                                            
She surely stands out from the crowd.                       
                                                            
 2850 ART - PAINTING                 Observer                 



Mona Lisa is not really deep,                               
Though her smile hints at secrets she'll keep.              
But her firm, compressed lips                               
Hide a denture that slips,                                  
And her eyelids are weary for sleep.                        
                                                            
 2851 ART - PAINTING                 Warrick Elrod            



A guy took his gal to the Tate                              
Where they saw lots of nudes 'bout to mate;                 
He got an erection                                          
At a Manet selection,                                       
And kept it 'til quarter past eight.                        
                                                            
 2852 ART - PAINTING                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Not Manet, but Rubens for me;                               
For the well-rounded women you see                          
In his paintings are just                                   
Pulchitrudinous lust,                                       
With their bosoms of 44D.                                   
                                                            
 2853 ART - PAINTING                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Growls a portraitist, "Some of my clients                   
Object to my frequent reliance                              
On using old gears                                          
To help draw their ears--                                   
For they claim it's not Art, then, but Science."            
                                                            
 2854 ART - PAINTING                 Norm Storer              



The Nude Descending The Stair --                            
No more need you view with despair.                         
If you'll notice, please,                                   
How close are her knees.                                    
She thinks that the bathrooms's down there.                 
                                                            
 2855 ART - PAINTING                 Irving Superior     P8312



There was a man of Swinoujscie                              
Who drew a woman with a tusch.                              
He gave her blonde hair,                                    
Big boobs (here and there)                                  
And between her legs, a black bush.                         
                                                            
 2856 ART - PAINTING                                          



On canvas, the OGEES one sees,                              
The forms which Art's fancy will seize,                     
Are those pastels warm                                      
Of feminine form,                                           
Intended to stir and to please.                             
                                                            
 2857 ART - PAINTING                 Chris Papa               



There was a young man from Dubai                            
Who painted a piece of the sky.                             
He made it bright pink,                                     
But how do you think                                        
He got a scaffold up that high?                             
                                                            
 2858 ART - PAINTING                 Lord Emsworth            



The rose gives a tremulous glance,                          
And sighs, "He is lost in a trance!"                        
"Let us wait," cries the pink,                              
"He is coming, I think"                                     
But the passion flower weeps: "Not a chance."               
                                                            
 2859 ART - PAINTING                 Ann Norris               



A painter, his canvas still wet.                            
"No, we're not finished as yet.                             
When you pose in the nude,                                  
There's a short interlude,                                  
While we wait for the colors to set."                       
                                                            
 2860 ART - PAINTING                 Laurence Perrine         



There once was a flock of wild geese,                       
Whose numbers were on the increase.                         
Remarked Peter Scott,                                       
"I must paint the whole lot."                               
Which he did, and still does without cease.                 
                                                            
 2861 ART - PAINTING                 B and C Semeonoff        



An artist mas moved to portray,                             
A middle age church cart display.                           
'Twas well done to be sure,                                 
And will always endure,                                     
To picture a Gregorian dray.                                
                                                            
 2862 ART - PAINTING                 Bob Giandomenico    P9807



Most modern art seems waste of paint,                       
But only the crude voice complaint.                         
They show little skill,                                     
No purpose fulfill,                                         
While maybe art, pictures they ain't!                       
                                                            
 2863 ART - PAINTING                 Dr Wryme           TP9802



My painting inspired a poet?                                
I'm flattered, allthough it does show it.                   
No great artist am I!                                       
Shall I tell you why?:                                      
It's a self portrait, didn't you know it?                   
                                                            
 2864 ART - PAINTING                                          



A curator fellow named Halls                                
Displayed on his gallery's walls                            
Some sketches he'd found                                    
That he felt were profound,                                 
That were drawn in the shitting room stalls.                
                                                            
 2865 ART - PAINTING                 Cap'n Bean               



An old abstract painter of Wheeling                         
Was painting a cunt on the ceiling.                         
The cunt was so real,                                       
An urge he did feel,                                        
And he blew on the ceiling with feeling.                    
                                                            
 2866 ART - PAINTING                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1916



I picture a nice work of art,                               
Like one you might buy at Wal-Mart;                         
A snow-covered scene                                        
With tall evergreen                                         
And as cold as a mother-in-laws heart!                      
                                                            
 2867 ART - PAINTING                 Observer                 



The conclusion I reached at the Tate,                       
When I stand by this work and debate,                       
On the stiffs easing out,                                   
Is that quite without doubt,                                
They are all of them going to be late.                      
                                                            
 2868 ART - PAINTING                 Tallis                   



To prison the thief's been remanded                         
And "Guilty" this fellow was branded.                       
A painting still lingers                                    
On his sticky fingers;                                      
At an art show they caught him red-handed.                  
                                                            
 2869 ART - PAINTING                 LIM-R-IDDLES        P8507



A certain young person of Mission,                          
In a sadly befuddled condition,                             
Confused picture and song,                                  
And declared to a throng,                                   
That 'The Lady in Red' was by Titian.                       
                                                            
 2870 ART - PAINTING                                          



There once was an artist call Pat,                          
Who carried her paints in her hat.                          
Friends said, "It appears                                   
From the state of your ears,                                
That your ultramarine is squashed flat."                    
                                                            
 2871 ART - PAINTING                 Margaret Galbreath       



Arnolfinis both sat to Van Eyck;                            
Said the wife: "Though it's ugly, it's like.                
Even if the truth mattered,                                 
I'd rather be flattered.                                    
Why didn't we wait for Van Dyck?"                           
                                                            
 2872 ART - PAINTING                 Robert Witt              



On a weekend with Countess de Bray,                         
We beguiled a most tedious day,                             
By sketching a penis,                                       
On a Titian Venus,                                          
And a beard on a nude by Monet.                             
                                                            
 2873 ART - PAINTING                                          



Last night at his VERNISSAGE                                
An artist of the school called "sauvage",                   
Displayed his art,                                          
A visual fart,                                              
The color of intestinal lavage.                             
                                                            
 2874 ART - PAINTING                 Norm Brust               



Whistler's Mother said, "James, It's not right              
That the Art World's lost sight of my plight.               
Have you noticed that they                                  
Say, 'Life's all sheades of grey'                           
But then claim that mine's just Black and White?"           
                                                            
 2875 ART - PAINTING                 Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



The great speed she revealed was a shocker;                 
Back and forth, so fast no one could clock her.             
Then came the tragic end                                    
Which they never could mend:                                
Whistler's Mom, on the floor, off her rocker.               
                                                            
 2876 ART - PAINTING                 Loren Fitzhugh           



Winnigan, an artist had an ache                             
To paint his great work of a lake.                          
But it turned out sloppy                                    
A very poor copy;                                           
The critics called it Winnigan's Fake.                      
                                                            
 2877 ART - PAINTING                 Tom Patton               



The world's short poem - The Fleas - is just                
To me a plagiaristic must.                                  
Line one - Adam                                             
Line two - Had 'em.                                         
The author is Anonymous.                                    
                                                            
 2878 ART - POETRY                   Irving Superior     P8207



A pedant who writes on catharsis                            
Got his thesis mixed up with his arses.                     
On the cud, he did chew                                     
Of Poetics, Book Two,                                       
The test of which he alone parses.                          
                                                            
 2879 ART - POETRY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A mordant and decadent youth                                
Said, "Beauty is greater than truth.                        
But by beauty I mean,                                       
The obscure, the obscene,                                   
The diseased, the decayed, the uncouth."                    
(mordant - sarcastic, biting)                               
 2880 ART - POETRY                   Thomas Thorneley         



I offer my verse for your measure,                          
Whenever you've patience or leisure.                        
Though you eschew the idyll,                                
And gainsay the bridal,                                     
I fain would become your new treasure.                      
                                                            
 2881 ART - POETRY                   Anon                     



Your verse offered is pure pleasure,                        
Reading it induces a seizure                                
Of delight in erudition                                     
On this mixed-bag expedition,                               
Saved now for non-erasure.                                  
                                                            
 2882 ART - POETRY                   Logophilia               



This poem is a copyright copy;                              
By the author, 1983.                                        
Prior written consent                                       
Is required to present                                      
It on radio, film or TV.                                    
                                                            
 2883 ART - POETRY                   Elliot Moreton           



I often make this remark:                                   
A candle is only a spark.                                   
I think it's too small;                                     
It lacks wherewithall.                                      
It's better to curse the dark.                              
                                                            
 2884 ART - POETRY                   Al Willis                



I spotted these daffs by the lake;                          
And a right pretty picture they make.                       
Because of these flowers,                                   
I'm dreaming for hours,                                     
Which gives my libido a break.                              
(I wandered lonely as a cloud...)                           
 2885 ART - POETRY                   E O Parrot               



For years it has long been an end of mine                   
To get up a book for a friend of mine;                      
This man is a medic                                         
(Genus orthopedic)                                          
Who else would I let mend a bend of mine.                   
                                                            
 2886 ART - POETRY                   W S Baring-Gould         



Which light verse's eight short choppy lines,               
Oft writ by the brilliantest minds,                         
Showing great lapse of taste,                               
Or an excess of haste,                                      
In dactylic name-dropping off-rhymes?                       
(sounds like double-dactyl to me - McW)                     
 2887 ART - POETRY                   Robin K  Willoughby P8508



That old double dactyl's extinct.                           
A dinosaur bird, so I think,                                
It ran out of luck                                          
When an asteroid struck,                                    
And so 'neath the waves it did sink.                        
                                                            
 2888 ART - POETRY                                            



One day I did feel really queer;                            
'Twas a double dactyl, I fear.                              
It emerged from the toilet                                  
And I don't want to spoil it,                               
But he could at least have poured me a beer.                
                                                            
 2889 ART - POETRY                                            



A double dactyl just came to my bed                         
And asked me to give it some head.                          
I said "Begone, you foul thing"                             
And I then heard it sing:                                   
"OK, I'll have a beer instead!"                             
                                                            
 2890 ART - POETRY                                            



I heard him go into the kitchen                             
(I tell you my body was twitchin')                          
He took out some beers                                      
And burped and said "Cheers!                                
To confound you, my brain is just itchin'."                 
                                                            
 2891 ART - POETRY                                            



And then there was silence, dear me!                        
As I wondered where he could be.                            
But dactyls at night                                        
No longer cause fright.                                     
'Cause he'd made me a nice cup of tea!                      
                                                            
 2892 ART - POETRY                                            



My god what a pterable sight;                               
Those horrible dactyls in flight.                           
Are they mega or giga                                       
Or ptera or bigger?                                         
Whatever they are, they're a fright!                        
                                                            
 2893 ART - POETRY                                            



That dactyl was probably me;                                
I remember the beer and the tea                             
And the cries of alarm,                                     
When you thought I might harm                               
You 'tween midnight and quarter to three.                   
                                                            
 2894 ART - POETRY                                            



So how 'bout this evening we meet?                          
You can play with my metrical feet                          
Or possibly fiddle                                          
The one in the middle                                       
And double my dactyl, my sweet.                             
                                                            
 2895 ART - POETRY                                            



To limericks some folks are adverse;                        
'Tis said that no odes could be worse,                      
So a prudish man pondered                                   
And he had them all laundered,                              
But they all ended up as blank verse.                       
                                                            
 2896 ART - POETRY                   Albin Chaplin       P8212



There was a young poet of Kew,                              
Who failed to emerge into view.                             
So he said, "I'll dispense                                  
With rhyme, meter, and sense",                              
And he did, and he's now in Who's Who.                      
                                                            
 2897 ART - POETRY                   Anon                     



A confined Philistine named Delury,                         
Had slain a young poet in fury.                             
The corpse, a wine-bibber,                                  
Had dealt in 'verse libre',                                 
So Delury was thanked by the jury.                          
                                                            
 2898 ART - POETRY                   Isaac Asimov             



I like a poem with rhyme,                                   
With meaning, and meter, and time.                          
It just drives me crazy,                                    
When the message is hazy.                                   
And free verse is simply a crime!                           
                                                            
 2899 ART - POETRY                   Zachary Nicolai          



What you see's what you get, I suppose.                     
It's just like the Emperor's new clothes.                   
Free verse is a crime,                                      
No meter, no rhyme.                                         
I can't tell the shit from bad prose!                       
                                                            
 2900 ART - POETRY                   Bob Moers          TP9802



A verse libre young poet from Reeder                        
Affirmed art without rhythm is sweeter.                     
But when she met Pete,                                      
With his four metric feet,                                  
She'd applied her technique to his meter.                   
                                                            
 2901 ART - POETRY                   Lims For Year - 01       



Her eyes, the glow-worm lend thee,                          
The shooting starres attend thee;                           
And the elves also                                          
Whose little eyes glow                                      
Like the sparks of fire, befriend thee.                     
                                                            
 2902 ART - POETRY                   Robert Herrick           



There was a young poet named Peck                           
Whose poems had earned a great check,                       
He had gathered them all                                    
From the urinal wall                                        
Of the Parliament House in Quebec.                          
                                                            
 2903 ART - POETRY                   Albin Chaplin 3024  P9501



There was a kind lady named Gregory,                        
Said, "Come to me, poets in beggary",                       
But found her imprudence                                    
When thousands of students                                  
Cried, "We are all in that category."                       
                                                            
 2904 ART - POETRY                   James Joyce              



HAIKU, from the Nippon nation,                              
Suffers from cultural inflation.                            
Japanese: They're a treat!                                  
Anericans: Where's the meat?                                
Almost nothing survives the translation.                    
                                                            
 2905 ART - POETRY                   Norm Brust               



There are Japanese poets I like who                         
Write short little poems, not unlike you.                   
But your verse, perverse is                                 
Compared to theirs, worse is.                               
Suggest you should just take a HAIKU.                       
                                                            
 2906 ART - POETRY                   Gary Hallock             



Short Nipponese poetry, HAIKU,                              
Takes nature serenely, like Mike who                        
Cannot wait for Spring,                                     
Flowers blossoming,                                         
Long walks and listening to his tyke coo.                   
                                                            
 2907 ART - POETRY                   Daniel Ford              



The HAIKU, that Japanese sport,                             
Is seventeen syllables short.                               
A limerick's song                                           
Has double as long,                                         
In which for two folks to disport.                          
                                                            
 2908 ART - POETRY                   Nick                     



A limerick is usually rude;                                 
Sometimes it is even quite crude;                           
But now I propose                                           
That somebody compose                                       
A haiku that's funny and lewd.                              
                                                            
 2909 ART - POETRY                   Anon                     



Do I like those haikus? Yes, ever!                          
They just need some thought that's clever.                  
Needing not rhythm nor rhyme,                               
They require just some time.                                
But give up on limericks? No, Never!                        
                                                            
 2910 ART - POETRY                   Monique de Plume         



I shall, with cultured taste,                               
Distinguish gems from paste,                                
And High diddle diddle                                      
Will rank as an idyll,                                      
If I pronounce it chaste!                                   
                                                            
 2911 ART - POETRY                   W S Gilbert              



There was a young man named McNamiter,                      
With a tool of prodigious diameter.                         
But it wasn't the size                                      
Gave the girls the surprise,                                
But his rhythm, iambic pentameter.                          
                                                            
 2912 ART - POETRY                                       L0194



A wonderful thing is the limerick,                          
But its consequence is a slimmer chick.                     
For when she's in verse,                                    
Her appetite's worse                                        
(Which also accounts for my slimmer dick).                  
                                                            
 2913 ART - POETRY                   Macsam                   



It's doggerel only I send.                                  
It's doggerel only I've penned.                             
Catechism I shun --                                         
Too rigid, no fun.                                          
It's doggerel, man's better friend.                         
                                                            
 2914 ART - POETRY                   Laurence Perrine    P8307



There's a ponderous pundit MacHugh                          
Who wears goggles of ebony hue.                             
As he mostly sees double                                    
To wear them why trouble?                                   
I can't see the Joe Miller. Can You?                        
                                                            
 2915 ART - POETRY                   James Joyce         P9008



The lim and the sonnet and ode                              
All take a very different road.                             
The lines and the rhymes                                    
And the rhythmical chimes                                   
Are fixed and are set for each mode.                        
                                                            
 2916 ART - POETRY                   Archie                   



There was a young poet of Thusis,                           
Who took twilight walks with the Muses.                     
But these nymphs of the air                                 
Are not quite what they were,                               
And the practice has led to abuses.                         
                                                            
 2917 ART - POETRY                   L Reed (L Untermeyer?)   



I'm not really much of a fan                                
Of poems with no rhyme in their plan.                       
But there's nothing worse                                   
Than to read someone's verse                                
And finding the lines do not scan.                          
                                                            
 2918 ART - POETRY                   Bob Giandomenico    P9509



This poetry, I thought at first glance,                     
Is timely, and maybe enchants.                              
People may recognize                                        
That it warrants a prize,                                   
But I don't think that it stanza chance.                    
                                                            
 2919 ART - POETRY                   Kirk Miller              



No editor normally seeks                                    
To publish books cherished by freaks;                       
The market, they say,                                       
Is too small to pay--                                       
So one may as well stick with Doc Deex.                     
                                                            
 2920 ART - POETRY                   Norm Storer         P9507



Sternly warned that the magazine                            
Is quite choosy 'bout what lies within,                     
My face was quite red                                       
When the editor said,                                       
"All verse here must be strictly clean!"                    
                                                            
 2921 ART - POETRY                   Phil T                   



I thought she was being contrary.                           
She said, "This is a mag literary,                          
And content obscene                                         
Would cause quite a scene.                                  
Your naughty verse is just too scary."                      
                                                            
 2922 ART - POETRY                   Phil T                   



Gentle readers, I was quite distraught;                     
Clenching fists, I said "This shall be fought!"             
She said "Why don't you                                     
Write a nice Haiku",                                        
So my anger had all come to naught.                         
                                                            
 2923 ART - POETRY                   Phil T                   



But why deviate from the norm?                              
The next day I wrote up a storm.                            
With eyes heavenbent,                                       
I hereby present                                            
My resonse in my favorite form.                             
                                                            
 2924 ART - POETRY                   Phil T                   



There once lived a poet named Jeux,                         
Who only composed in Haiku.                                 
But for all of the praise,                                  
For his wit and set phrase,                                 
He's read less than he is reviewed.                         
                                                            
 2925 ART - POETRY                   Phil T                   



If money to me you'd disburse                               
For odes that were raunchy or worse,                        
In that case, I should say                                  
In my deviant way,                                          
I guess that my pay'd be per verse.                         
                                                            
 2926 ART - POETRY                   Kirk Miller Dick Hull?   



Who is that, whom I hear on the door knock?                 
The PESTILENT person from Porlock!                          
He'd have pox on his skin                                   
And a plaque on his kin,                                    
If I were a wizard or warlock.                              
                                                            
 2927 ART - POETRY                   Eva Amata                



When approached by a person from Porlock,                   
It is best to take time by the forelock.                    
Shout, "I'm not at home,                                    
Till I've finished this poem!"                              
And refuse to unfasten the door-lock.                       
                                                            
 2928 ART - POETRY                   Richard Leighton Greene  



Said a pornographistic young poet,                          
"Although I perhaps do not show it,                         
My interest in sin,                                         
Is wearing quite thin,                                      
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it.                
                                                            
 2929 ART - POETRY                                            



This limerick's FIRST is a letter.                          
Her heralds B, C, D or better.                              
Excitable, snappish,                                        
Coleric as crap (pish!):                                    
His SECOND's limerical fetter.                              
                                                            
 2930 ART - POETRY                   Michael Polo        P8606



And when a clock's tocking is heard                         
Rebutting this sound is his THIRD.                          
A puzzle, it's true.                                        
Damn tricky one, too...                                     
ENTIRETY's that type of word.                               
(answers 1. ACROSSTIC 2. THE CHARADE [read down])           
 2931 ART - POETRY                   Michael Polo        P8606



A raffine poet named Partz,                                 
Took a rather high view of the arts.                        
He was quick to proclaim                                    
His hard gemlike flame,                                     
But the best he could manage was quartz.                    
(raffine - ? raffish - unkempt, tawdry)                     
 2932 ART - POETRY                   John Ciardi              



Limericks are poems, you nerd!                              
And poetry's meant to be heard!                             
So read it aloud!                                           
Alone -- if you're proud!                                   
But so you can hear every word.                             
                                                            
 2933 ART - POETRY                   Larry J. Davis      P8412



If I had a girl named Delores,                              
I would change my first name to Morris.                     
I would write poems of love;                                
They'd be sexy, sort of,                                    
And these names rhyme quite well with clitoris!             
                                                            
 2934 ART - POETRY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



I bought it expecting suspense;                             
The let-down was quick and immense;                         
Though it rhymed very well,                                 
And the words sounded swell,                                
Not a page of it make any sense.                            
(A Rhyming Dictionary)                                      
 2935 ART - POETRY                   Laurence Perrine    P8409



The Voyage of the Ancient Mariner;                          
Two guys and a gal -- they were sharin' her.                
'Tis true that the crew                                     
Was bigger than two,                                        
But more would have too much wear on her.                   
                                                            
 2936 ART - POETRY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Having rid Hamelin town of its vermin,                      
And been tricked by a noddy in ermine,                      
He lured girls and boys                                     
With his pipe's pleasant noise.                             
Where they went not a soul can determine.                   
                                                            
 2937 ART - POETRY                   Ted Thompson             



If you find for your verse, there's no call,                
And you can't afford paper at all,                          
For the poet true-born,                                     
However forlorn,                                            
There's always the lavatory wall.                           
                                                            
 2938 ART - POETRY                   Anon                G1365



Sometimes when I sit by the sea,                            
The sound of the waves breaking free,                       
Relaxes my mind                                             
And induces a kind                                          
Of transcendent reality.                                    
                                                            
 2939 ART - POETRY                   Bob D                    



Winter's gone--ain't that some thing.                       
Birds are again on the wing!                                
But something's so odd,                                     
I gotta ask God:                                            
What have you done with our Spring?                         
                                                            
 2940 ART - POETRY                   Ogden Nield              



There's a slow tolling bell in the dark,                    
As the keepers are clearing the park.                       
Like a desert, it's bare                                    
And each tree and each chair                                
Is a blurred indeterminate mark.                            
                                                            
 2941 ART - POETRY                   Gavin Ewart              



Life is sad and so slow and so cold                         
As the leaves that were green turn to gold,                 
As the lonely lake fills                                    
And there's ice in the hills                                
And the long loathly winter takes hold...                   
                                                            
 2942 ART - POETRY                   Gavin Ewart              



I wandered alone as a cloud,                                
And my feet pushed their way through a crowd                
Of vile yellow weeds,                                       
That nobody needs;                                          
Those damned things should not be allowed.                  
                                                            
 2943 ART - POETRY                   Tutta Gioia              



As I ambled along like a clod,                              
Those disgusting daffs I now trod.                          
With their foul slimy sap,                                  
They really are crap;                                       
I'll trample the bastards, by God!                          
                                                            
 2944 ART - POETRY                   Tutta Gioia              



And those bloody clouds are a pain.                         
Yes, now it's beginning to rain.                            
I should be indoors                                         
With a couple of whores.                                    
They wouldn't be taxing my brain.                           
                                                            
 2945 ART - POETRY                   Tutta Gioia              



Why did I come to Grassmere.                                
The countryside's so bloody drear.                          
I should be in town                                         
At the old Rose and Crown,                                  
with a couple of pints of good beer                         
                                                            
 2946 ART - POETRY                   Tutta Gioia              



And as for the fish in this lake,                           
No sign of a salmon or skate.                               
Just a minnow or sprat,                                     
Not fit for the cat.                                        
I could do with a good fillet steak.                        
                                                            
 2947 ART - POETRY                   Tutta Gioia              



It's all due to my sister Dot,                              
That we're in this infernal spot.                           
She said she'd give head                                    
When we went to bed,                                        
But so far, the bitch, she has not.                         
                                                            
 2948 ART - POETRY                   Tutta Gioia              



Xanadu's too expensive for Khan;                            
He's at work on converting a barn.                          
But there's talk of a dome,                                 
And of rivers that roam,                                    
Then drop down to an underground tarn.                      
                                                            
 2949 ART - POETRY                   Anon                     



A dome and some caves cut in ice,                           
Some rocks and a fountain sound nice;                       
But Alf -- he's the chippie --                              
Says Khan is quite dippy!                                   
It still can't be done at that price!                       
                                                            
 2950 ART - POETRY                   Anon                     



My poetic muse now is dry                                   
And no matter how hard that I try,                          
It just seems that today                                    
I have nothing to say.                                      
So for that I do apologi.                                   
                                                            
 2951 ART - POETRY - POOR            Jim Weaver Collection    



As you know, the most typical clerihew                      
Is an epitaph sort of a merry brew.                         
If you state, "Evidently,                                   
It's a car, like a Bentley,"                                
Such a follly's enough -- well -- to bury you.              
(invented by Edmond Clerihew Bentley)                       
 2952 ART - POETRY - POOR            Bill Backe-Hansen   P8404



Double dactyls are really quite fabulous;                   
They ain't extinct birds, they're syllabulous.              
They're very effectuous                                     
In helping make sexuous,                                    
A limerick thats otherwise drabulous.                       
                                                            
 2953 ART - POETRY - POOR                                     



There once was a lady gorilla                               
Who went by the name of Priscilla...                        
(If anyone knows,                                           
Tell how this verse goes --                                 
I haven't the faintest scintilla.)                          
                                                            
 2954 ART - POETRY - POOR            R. J. Winkler       P8408



This book on erotical theme                                 
Contains a poem, "Doigts Obscene,"                          
The which, who can doubt,                                   
Is the author's bold shout                                  
How he felt up some twats "boheme."                         
                                                            
 2955 ART - POETRY - POOR                                G2736



With elegant timbre sublime,                                
I embark, and bite into rhyme;                              
Ever suave, ever subtle,                                    
My puns never scuttle;                                      
'Tis in-F-able verse every time.                            
                                                            
 2956 ART - POETRY - POOR            Laurence Perrine    P8604



Humtydump Dublin squeaks through his norse                  
Humtydump Dublin hath a horrible vorse                      
And with all his kinks english                              
Plus his irismanx brogues                                   
Humtydump Dublin's grandada of all rogues.                  
                                                            
 2957 ART - POETRY - POOR            James Joyce         P9008



I dreamed I had struck a bonanza,                           
And would write me an extravaganza.                         
Like Wordsworth or Browning;                                
No more silly clowning;                                     
But all I could write was this stanza.                      
                                                            
 2958 ART - POETRY - POOR            Tiddy Ogg                



I wanted to write something pretty,                         
That was highbrow and learned and witty.                    
But alack and alas!                                         
I hookahed some grass,                                      
Then couldn't write naught but this ditty.                  
                                                            
 2959 ART - POETRY - POOR            Hugh Clary               



There once was a starving old poet,                         
Who never could sell what he wroet.                         
He practiced austerity                                      
For the sake of posterity,                                  
But he left it not even one quoet.                          
                                                            
 2960 ART - POETRY - POOR            John Ciardi              



In honor of the Emerald Isle,                               
We give our news, Limerick Style.                           
But if you want Japanese                                    
Poems about knees,                                          
You'll just have to wait a wee while.                       
                                                            
 2961 ART - POETRY - POOR            Jim Weaver Collection    



Bob to his friends sympathetic:                             
"Some of these rhymes are poetic.                           
But if you don't try                                        
The best will go by,                                        
And the rest may appear quite pathetic."                    
                                                            
 2962 ART - POETS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



So break out your own rhyming style,                        
Post a limerick and bring us a smile.                       
And soon you may find                                       
An intelligent mind                                         
To have intercourse (talk) for a while.                     
                                                            
 2963 ART - POETS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



For a verse not my own contribution                         
I adhere to a firm resolution:                              
If something is good                                        
Then forward I would,                                       
But never without attribution.                              
                                                            
 2964 ART - POETS                    Island Singer      TP9901



Often cited, I have to agree;                               
This is fruit from the limerick tree.                       
But what makes me groan                                     
Is that "author unknown"                                    
Is quoted more often than me.                               
                                                            
 2965 ART - POETS                    John Miller              



An old limerick rhymer named Dove                           
Filled his verses with uncommon love:                       
Aristophanes, Martial,                                      
Baudelaire were quite partial,                              
Even Goethe smiled down from above.                         
(all were dirty old men - McW)                              
 2966 ART - POETS                    Armand E Singer   intro D



Since poorness in rhyming's my fetish,                      
Explains why my brow is now fev'rish.                       
What I'd like to know --                                    
How far can I go                                            
Before my small public get peev'rish?                       
                                                            
 2967 ART - POETS                    Irving Superior     P8708



The poet must understand rhyme,                             
And use it in stanzas sublime.                              
The same goes for meter;                                    
If she blows it, we'll beater,                              
For writing bad verse is a crime.                           
                                                            
 2968 ART - POETS                                             



A poet's wife uttered a curse:                              
"You'd rather rhyme that fill our purse."                   
He husband said, mildly,                                    
"Don't carry on, wildly --                                  
You married for better or verse."                           
                                                            
 2969 ART - POETS                    Cynthia MacGregor        



A struggling writer named Dave,                             
To limericks, he was a slave.                               
But he never could sell,                                    
And was broke as all hell,                                  
Through his life, all the way to the grave.                 
                                                            
 2970 ART - POETS                    Cap'n Bean               



I knocked before he turned the door lock.                   
"Afternoon," I said, touching my forelock.                  
But Sam wouldn't chat,                                      
And said, "No time for that."                               
So I took myself back home to Porlock.                      
                                                            
 2971 ART - POETS                    Phil T                   



That things were not worse was a mercy!                     
You read bottom line first,                                 
Since he wrote all reversed,                                
He did every job arsey-versey.                              
A very odd poet was Percy!                                  
                                                            
 2972 ART - POETS                    A. Lindon           P9505



That poets live long, filled with gumption,                 
is a clearly misguided assumption.                          
An accurate prognosis                                       
Is tuberculosis,                                            
'Cause most of them died of consumption.                    
                                                            
 2973 ART - POETS                    Richard Long             



Emily Dickinson, devoid of spouse,                          
Wore the same Leg 0' Mutton sleeved blouse,                 
Year in and year out.                                       
And while she was devout,                                   
Never went to church nor left her house.                    
                                                            
 2974 ART - POETS                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



An old rhyming poet from Skye                               
Reckoned old rhyming poets don't die.                       
Though without any doubt,                                   
When the meter runs out,                                    
Their rhyming would fade with a sigh.                       
                                                            
 2975 ART - POETS                    Joe Guerin               



An anonymous poet online                                    
Pens filthy pap, I opine.                                   
But this trash about butts                                  
And eager hot sluts,                                        
Makes me laugh -- so it must be fine!                       
                                                            
 2976 ART - POETS                                             



My penchant is writing light verse,                         
Witty and pithy and terse.                                  
Limericks that rhyme                                        
Pop out all the time.                                       
That's my unnatural poetic curse.                           
                                                            
 2977 ART - POETS                    Harry Rubin         P9108



I stop to think now and then;                               
While writing, I put down my pen.                           
Then I start to reflect;                                    
I wind down, what the heck!                                 
And forget to start thinking again.                         
                                                            
 2978 ART - POETS                    Al Willis                



On romance, of bees and the birds;                          
The poet is crafting his words.                             
So how does he choose?                                      
He prays to his muse,                                       
And they droppeth from heaven like turds.                   
                                                            
 2979 ART - POETS                    Peter Wilkins            



When I think of the late Gertrude Stein                     
I'm reminded of what made her shine.                        
While at Chicago U.                                         
She did pen one or two                                      
Poems, time after time after time.                          
                                                            
 2980 ART - POETS                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



This evening I don't have the time                          
To send in another new rhyme.                               
My brain is quite dead                                      
And I'm going to bed,                                       
If the stairs I can manage to climb.                        
                                                            
 2981 ART - POETS                                             



Of steps there are twenty in all,                           
And they start at the end of the hall.                      
Because of the whiskey,                                     
I'm not feeling frisky,                                     
But think I can manage a crawl.                             
                                                            
 2982 ART - POETS                                             



Oh sod it, I think I'll stay here                           
And open another cold beer.                                 
Then sleep on the table                                     
As far as I'm able,                                         
And wait till my headache is clear.                         
                                                            
 2983 ART - POETS                                             



An old Nashville cowpoke named Frye,                        
Finding faces in clouds rolling by,                         
Noted T. H. H. Caine,                                       
E. A. Poe and M. Twain,                                     
And wrote "Ghost Writers In The Sky."                       
                                                            
 2984 ART - POETS                    Cybergeezer              



So few are the rhymes for Australia,                        
It's doubtful that I can regalia.                           
But I'll persevere,                                         
To Webster adhere                                           
Or else go Down Under, a failia.                            
                                                            
 2985 ART - POETS                    Irving Superior     P8611



Dad said, "Marsha, say it's not so!                         
Writing poems about Billy Blow!                             
Just be a lady                                              
Don't write poems shady!"                                   
"Shit! Dad, I just go with the flow!"                       
                                                            
 2986 ART - POETS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The point of the Great Chinese Wall,                        
Was a place for their poems to scrawl.                      
Sure, it was needed,                                        
But it's been superceded                                    
With the advent of the pay toilet stall.                    
                                                            
 2987 ART - POETS                    Anon               TP9804



There once was a fine Irish lass,                           
Who sometimes wrote limericks so crass;                     
With curly red hair                                         
(Yes! even down there!)                                     
And long legs clear up to her ass.                          
                                                            
 2988 ART - POETS                    Kaylin Brandon           



Advice from the Bard of the Okies:                          
"I might as well move to the Smokies;                       
Among these hayseeds                                        
Most nobody reads,                                          
And couldn't tell dactyls from trochees."                   
                                                            
 2989 ART - POETS                    Armand E Singer       654



Her breasts are like white watermelons;                     
Her growth parallels Mt. St. Helens                         
(And if I rhyme vagina                                      
With South Carolina,                                        
I'm as bad as the rest of you felons.)                      
                                                            
 2990 ART - POETS                    Dick Potts          P8602



"My dear," said a poet named Damature,                      
"You'll find that I am not an amateur.                      
So grab hold of your toes                                   
And I'll fuck you in prose                                  
And then in iambic pentameter."                             
                                                            
 2991 ART - POETS                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0676



Frenchmen make all the fine wines;                          
Germans drink beer out of steins.                           
When the Irish drink ale,                                   
Their minds become stale                                    
And the Jews write their poetry lines.                      
                                                            
 2992 ART - POETS                    Anon                     



Alfred Lord Tennyson, I would suppose,                      
Must be resting today in repose.                            
Shelly was drowned,                                         
But this I have found:                                      
Old poets don't die -- just decompose.                      
                                                            
 2993 ART - POETS                    Richard Long             



The need for a man to express                               
His elation or deepest distress,                            
Drives pencil to paper;                                     
Turns pen into rapier;                                      
And keep the wits whetted and dressed.                      
                                                            
 2994 ART - POETS                    Lassies Lover      TP9806



Take pity on your local poet;                               
It's preferable few people know it.                         
His income is small,                                        
Or not there at all.                                        
His clothing is likely to show it.                          
                                                            
 2995 ART - POETS                                             



As we deal in the dark, one and all,                        
There's a maxim I seem to recall,                           
That with confidence states,                                
As the dollar gyrates,                                      
From the higher, the harder they fall.                      
(Earl of Limerick, San Francisco, 16 May 1984)              
 2996 ART - POETS                    Earl of Limerick    P8406



When an Earl talks to bankers in verse,                     
Later speeches can only get worse.                          
Leaving scansion (analysis) apart,                          
If we don't touch your heart,                               
I hope you will unbutton your purse.                        
(rebuttal to Earl of Limerick by J. Dundas Hamilton)        
 2997 ART - POETS                    J. Dundas Hamilton  P8406



No wonder that Lord Bulwer-Lytton                           
With the penning of novels was smitten:                     
Every morn is a trice                                       
His wife sucked him off twice--                             
"The Coming Race" had to be written.                        
                                                            
 2998 ART - POETS                                        G0808



A poet is always contented;                                 
Through poetry, fantasy's invented.                         
But the long ago bard                                       
Had to memorize hard,                                       
Until paper and pen were invented.                          
                                                            
 2999 ART - POETS                    Elizabeth Santos         



Anon., Idem., Ibid., and Trad.                              
Wrote much that is morally bad:                             
Some ballads, some chanties,                                
All poems about panties--                                   
And limericks, too, one must add.                           
                                                            
 3000 ART - POETS                                             



There once was a young man who said:                        
"The poets most frequently read                             
Are most of them linked                                     
By being extinct;                                           
So clearly it helps to be dead."                            
                                                            
 3001 ART - POETS                    Richard Long             



A silver-tongued poet, quit oft                             
Lured a score of young girls to his loft.                   
First to visit the bard                                     
No doubt found it hard,                                     
But the rest, it is said, had it soft.                      
                                                            
 3002 ART - POETS                    John Miller 0128         



While studying eudaemonisms,                                
Plus B.A. -- "Restrainment of Jisms"                        
Essays must not include                                     
Any words crude or rude.                                    
Can you help me with some euphemisms?                       
(eudaemonism - well being or happiness)                     
 3003 ART - POETS                    jplea                    



A writer of poetry in France,                               
Once she met a publisher called Hans,                       
He liked what he saw,                                       
Said he'd like to see more.                                 
She said, "When you put on your pants!"                     
                                                            
 3004 ART - POETS                    Arthur Pattaffy          



A perfectionist poet named Morris                           
One night went berserk right before us.                     
He just flew off his perch                                  
In his desperate search                                     
For the ONE perfect rhyme for THESAURUS.                    
                                                            
 3005 ART - POETS                    Evelyn Bogen             



Enough women were usually fighting                          
To sleep with a poet named Whiting,                         
"But what I need instead                                    
Is a typist," he said,                                      
"Who can really decipher my writing."                       
                                                            
 3006 ART - POETS                    A. N. Wilkins       P8511



A poet, poor son of a bitch,                                
Must refrain, if he happens to itch,                        
From an action so crass                                     
As scratching his ass,                                      
For his "culture" is keeping him rich.                      
                                                            
 3007 ART - POETS                    Pearl B. Sheridan        



A nutty old poet named Spence                               
Nonsensical verse did dispense.                             
But when he was delerious,                                  
All his poems were serious,                                 
Yet his nonsense was what made most sense.                  
                                                            
 3008 ART - POETS                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2801



If you look very hard at the stuff in                       
This book, which is known as a Puffin,                      
You'll very soon know it's                                  
Been written by poets                                       
For money, of course, not for nuffin.                       
                                                            
 3009 ART - POETS                    E. O. Parrott            



I'm trying this new thing I've found,                       
Combining these words into sounds.                          
Rhyming the lines                                           
Is troubling at times,                                      
But at least I'm not speaking in rounds.                    
                                                            
 3010 ART - POETS                    Anon                     



Though the theme is open wide,                              
The meter must be in stride.                                
A word misplaced                                            
Will bring disgrace,                                        
From the readers on the other side.                         
                                                            
 3011 ART - POETS                    Anon                     



Quite right. Singing rounds is so crass.                    
I tried it, with young Susie Bass.                          
By the start of line three                                  
She was on top of me,                                       
And I disappeared up my own ass.                            
                                                            
 3012 ART - POETS                    Anon                     



A pretty young lady from Crow Knob                          
Says, " Writing a poem is a slow job;                       
Although I'm quite clever                                   
It took me forever                                          
To think of a good rhyme for snow job!"                     
                                                            
 3013 ART - POETS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Jim Smith, a young lad from old Siam,                  
"These bad poems show I'm no Omar Khayyam.                  
My poetical work                                            
Makes me look like a jerk.                                  
You can see what a stupid ass I am."                        
                                                            
 3014 ART - POETS                                             



A tree death is  sad -- I know it,                          
For it's taken a long time to grow it.                      
But there's a lesson to learn,                              
Thought inner fires burn,                                   
Zoologists cannot be poets.                                 
                                                            
 3015 ART - POETS                    Anon                     



She never used an obscenity                                 
Writing about masculinity.                                  
Rhymes made with rudeness,                                  
Crudeness, or lewdness                                      
Simply disturbed her serenity.                              
                                                            
 3016 ART - POETS                    Dick Ford                



That doogie he pens many verses                             
Of cock, cunts, cum and curses.                             
He's more o.c.d.,  [not a clue - McW]                       
Than you or than me;                                        
Much more, I'll need nurses or hearses.                     
                                                            
 3017 ART - POETS                                             



A scum-loving poet named Hank                               
From lucrative filth never shrank.                          
He once penned a low ode                                    
To a turd-filled commode                                    
And laughed all the way to the bank.                        
                                                            
 3018 ART - POETS                    Armand E Singer       162



Although he may be out of fashion,                          
I've long had a consuming passion                           
For most every ditty,                                       
Both funna and witty                                        
That flowed from the pen Ogden Nashian.                     
                                                            
 3019 ART - POETS                    Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a poet named Kevin,                          
Who penned limericks until ninety-seven.                    
He said with a sigh,                                        
"Perhaps when I die,                                        
I'll be able to quote them in heaven."                      
                                                            
 3020 ART - POETS                                             



Am I quick, witty, clever, urbane,                          
Prolific, and far-from-mundane?                             
I'll admit it; it's true;                                   
I'm much slicker than you,                                  
Though you probably think me a pain.                        
                                                            
 3021 ART - POETS                    A. N. Wilkins       P8604



A poet who starved in a garret                              
Tried to trade his best verse for a carrot.                 
The grocer read out loud                                    
As he roared to the crowd,                                  
"I could get better lines from my parrot."                  
                                                            
 3022 ART - POETS                    Cyd                      



Old Sydney the vicarage parrot,                             
Declined to write verse for a carrot,                       
But often wrote loads                                       
Of rambunctious odes,                                       
In return for a bottle of claret.                           
                                                            
 3023 ART - POETS                    Peter Wilkins            



He's the air of a rhymer of words--                         
One whose rhymes are, shall we say, for the birds.          
I think you may know him,                                   
For he wrote this poem--                                    
Judged "worst" in the Guiness Book of Records.              
                                                            
 3024 ART - POETS                    Ken Leonhardt       P9110



The court poet's stately recitals                           
Flattered him and the court to their vitals.                
There the dukes, earls, and counts                          
Flocked in noblest amounts,                                 
And even the poems had titles.                              
                                                            
 3025 ART - POETS                    Laurence Perrine    P8308



A cowgirl, name of Fat Harriet,                             
Told her boyfriend she just wouldn't marry yet.             
Her ambitions lay                                           
Writing cow poems all day                                   
And becoming a Poet Lariat.                                 
                                                            
 3026 ART - POETS                    Herkin                   



My Dear Poet Laureate: Verse                                
On one's birthday is commonly terse;                        
But your paper was blank --                                 
Does this mean that you rank                                
With the Modern, Post-modern, or worse?                     
            signed, The Queen                               
 3027 ART - POETS                    Paul Wigmore             



A poet who should have retired                              
Was arrested for having conspired                           
To hunt out of season                                       
For rhyme without reason,                                   
With poetic license expired.                                
                                                            
 3028 ART - POETS                    Cybergeezer              



A terrible poet was Grimes.                                 
His verses were awful at times,                             
Like: Some people's houses                                  
Are swarming with mouses.                                   
He'd say: 'That's a good one -- it rhymes.'                 
                                                            
 3029 ART - POETS                    Funfax Limericks         



Up North, they think the word castle                        
Is a word that will rhyme with asshole.                     
They think that tone                                        
Will not rhyme with scone,                                  
Which causes most poets a hassle.                           
                                                            
 3030 ART - POETS                    Richard Long             



I bought a thick dictionary of rhyme.                       
Thought that I'd have an easier time.                       
But to rhyme "Kayak"                                        
This book suggests "zwieback".                              
Now the plot is my problem most prime.                      
                                                            
 3031 ART - POETS                    June Sullivan       P8505



It is true that we're quite intellectual;                   
Our poetical skills quite effectual.                        
But even a genius                                           
Is ruled by his penius,                                     
So we mostly write stuff that is sexual.                    
                                                            
 3032 ART - POETS                    MrMalo                   



There once was an old William named Healey                  
From whose pen music flowed rather freely;                  
But to friends, 'twas the terse                             
And quite secular verse,                                    
He composed even more freely, really.                       
                                                            
 3033 ART - POETS                    Keith MacMillan       13a



Your attitude warrants a smile,                             
And mine is now stretching a mile.                          
In limerick or prose,                                       
Everyone knows                                              
That anything serious is vile.                              
                                                            
 3034 ART - POETS                    Alan Chilver             



Odin the bardling averred,                                  
His muse was the bum of a bird.                             
And his lesbian wife                                        
Would finger his fife,                                      
While Fisherwood waited as third.                           
(Auden and Isherwood - minor British poets)                 
 3035 ART - POETS                                        L0269



There was a strange poet named Sean,                        
Who cared not who he laid upon.                             
But she gnashed a tooth loose                               
When he called her abstruse:                                
A gal so far out, she was gone.                             
                                                            
 3036 ART - POETS                                       G0020a



Serious poems bore me;                                      
I feel that they're not written for me.                     
I once threw a welly                                        
At a picture of Shelley;                                    
I don't think that anyone saw me.                           
                                                            
 3037 ART - POETS                    Richard Long             



I wish the ribald you'd embraced,                           
Than send me reply so straight-laced.                       
It just ain't much fun                                      
As when it is done                                          
With a shit-eating grin on your face.                       
                                                            
 3038 ART - POETS                    Chris Papa               



Rhyming is such a great joy,                                
Some creative prowess employ,                               
Creditable art,                                             
"Gee, look Mom, how smart,                                  
The talent of your girl or boy."                            
                                                            
 3039 ART - POETS                    Chris Papa               



A poet gets up out of bed                                   
To type out a poem in his head.                             
I'm really not crazy,                                       
But sometimes too lazy                                      
And write on my pillow instead.                             
                                                            
 3040 ART - POETS                    Anon                     



Griped Alphonse, the underfed poet,                         
"I'm poor as a church mouse and know it;                    
I tell you I'm missin'                                      
A pot I can piss in,                                        
Or window out which I can throw it.                         
                                                            
 3041 ART - POETS                    Armand E Singer        39



A cashier is tempted at times                               
To pilfer some quarters and dimes;                          
A poet, however,                                            
When not feeling clever,                                    
Is apt to adopt others' rhymes.                             
                                                            
 3042 ART - POETS                    LaDonna Jones       P8503



The ex-Irlandais that hight Hackett                         
Attempted to purloin Joyce's jacket                         
But the Godly J. Quinn                                      
Forestalled him in sin                                      
And purloined Hackett's hindpart to smack it.               
                                                            
 3043 ART - POETS                    Ezra Pound to Joyce P9510



A man was not such a good poet;                             
If a rhyme was apparent, he'd blow it.                      
Any reader could see                                        
What the word ought to be,                                  
But the silly man, he'd never be aware of it.               
                                                            
 3044 ART - POETS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



"I'm depressed," said the laureate Ted Hughes;              
"Forty years on the throne, where's the muse."              
Then inspired, he wrote                                     
Of a three-legged stoat,                                    
Disembowelling dead kangaroos.                              
                                                            
 3045 ART - POETS                    Bill Wall                



As I write this, it's terribly late,                        
I'll arise in the morning at eight,                         
But I'll be up all night,                                   
For once I start to write,                                  
I've an unending need to create.                            
                                                            
 3046 ART - POETS                                             



There's no call for your rhymes, neat and dapper?           
And you can't afford paper or wrapper?                      
For the poetic soul,                                        
Broke, on the dole,                                         
There's always the wall in the crapper.                     
                                                            
 3047 ART - POETS                    Donald Dimock            



I have ached for some verse with a soul,                    
And I hearby do ask for a poll.                             
Answer please, yes or no:                                   
Should the lame writers go?                                 
Ten to one voting yes is my goal.                           
                                                            
 3048 ART - POETS                    LadyJ                    



Please do not chase them away.                              
It may seem like a strange thing to say,                    
But sometimes the worst                                     
Will bring out a burst                                      
Of great writing the very next day.                         
                                                            
 3049 ART - POETS                    John Miller              



Example: One Jeffrey Beeton                                 
Whose posting served strongly to sweeten                    
This newsgroup (then slow)                                  
For he irked us all so,                                     
We wrote great stuff to prove him a cretin.                 
                                                            
 3050 ART - POETS                    John Miller              



And, now we have plenty of room                             
For some newbies to grow and to bloom.                      
Even your stuff and mine,                                   
Ain't so hot all the time.                                  
Let's let others shed light in the gloom                    
                                                            
 3051 ART - POETS                    John Miller              



And finally, without any crap,                              
MrMalo'd have no one to rap.                                
No need for explaining,                                     
He's most entertaining,                                     
When a lamer falls into his trap.                           
                                                            
 3052 ART - POETS                    John Miller              



I too, cringe at some of the entries,                       
But we shouldn't be limerick sentries.                      
I know some are the shits;                                  
They can't all be smash hits.                               
We should welcome and educate newbies.                      
                                                            
 3053 ART - POETS                    S C Saint                



Lady J, we must not be so crass;                            
We can't kick them out on their ass,                        
Out into the cold night,                                    
Just because they can't write.                              
Some, like you, are not mentally fast.                      
                                                            
 3054 ART - POETS                    Chris Bolivar            



I too, cringe when I read something dumb,                   
But to judge them, I shall not succumb.                     
For when I stand in glory,                                  
I'm sure part of my story                                   
Will have moments when I too, was a bum.                    
                                                            
 3055 ART - POETS                    Chris Bolivar            



To be fair though, allow me to say                          
I agree with your assessments today.                        
It's just simpler for me                                    
To apply "delete" key                                       
And cast those lame writings away.                          
                                                            
 3056 ART - POETS                    Chris Bolivar            



"In a life so lacking in condiment                          
I confess I am smitten with wonderment                      
At the curious neatness,                                    
And the 'lightness and sweetness'                           
With which Q. has smacked Hackett's fundament."             
                                                            
 3057 ART - POETS                    Ezra Pound          P9510



Today I became very flustered                               
In finding a rhyme for a bustard.                           
Change its name to canary;                                  
It's become necessary.                                      
I tried but I can't cut the mustard.                        
                                                            
 3058 ART - POETS                    Al Willis           P9802



Old Baso, who wrote some haiku,                             
Was not fussy or prissy like you.                           
He could be quite lewd,                                     
Or touch on the crude...                                    
He pined to taste pleasure anew.                            
                                                            
 3059 ART - POETS                                             



Prostitute our fine art just for dough?                     
Mr. Willis, your thought pains me so!                       
(In a century or two,                                       
I'm pretty sure you                                         
Will be enshrined with me next to Van Gogh!)                
                                                            
 3060 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        John Miller              



There once was a man name of Al.                            
Though too old to nail him a gal,                           
His potent lim rhymes                                       
Fucked me up many times                                     
With laughter.  And miss him I shall.                       
                                                            
 3061 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        H Whelchel               



I remember once taking a gander                             
At a column by Ms. Ann Landers.                             
Al wrote of his twins,                                      
Of the out and the ins,                                     
And how much of his time they demander.                     
                                                            
 3062 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Arden                    



I'm saddened to hear that Al died;                          
Both ends of the spectrum he plied.                         
With rhymes penned at ease,                                 
Two big mags with P's,                                      
Pentatette and Penthouse, replied.                          
                                                            
 3063 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Frank                    



Al, you've slipped away in the night;                       
With the limerical muse taken flight.                       
Perhaps bye and bye                                         
We'll meet in the sky                                       
Where the meter and rhyme's always right.                   
                                                            
 3064 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        John Miller              



That's two now for whom the bell tolled --                  
His lims were often solid gold --                           
We'll miss our old pal --                                   
May you rest in peace, Al --                                
Hope nobody else leaves our fold!                           
                                                            
 3065 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Kaylin                   



The peers I regarded as brainy,                             
Are starving, hysterical, zany.                             
Their clothing is gone,                                     
Through black streets at dawn,                              
They seek a mad fix, clear or rainy.                        
(rewrite of start of Alan Ginsberg's Howl)                  
 3066 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT                                 



My government will be majestic,                             
In matters both foreign, domestic,                          
And laws legislated                                         
Will be formulated                                          
A-A-B-B-A, anapestic.                                       
                                                            
 3067 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Ed Potts            P8501



Ms. Edna St. Vincent Millay                                 
Kept all of her suitors at bay.                             
She plied them with verses,                                 
Ignoring the curses,                                        
But never a romp in the hay.                                
                                                            
 3068 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Armand E Singer       238



For TP, poets prepare one and all;                          
Writing on paper, on scraps and the wall.                   
But oh no, not I,                                           
I write on the fly,                                         
And Christ! Those fuckers are small!                        
                                                            
 3069 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT                                 



There was a weird spectre called Joyce                      
Rearisen from Monasterboice.                                
His whole occupation                                        
A walking negation                                          
Of all his acquaintainces' choice.                          
                                                            
 3070 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Gogarty             P9311



There's a poetic wit, Larry Wilde,                          
Who limericks are somewhat defiled                          
With subjects like Jesus                                    
And venereal diseases.                                      
They should be kept from your child.                        
                                                            
 3071 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        ECW                 P8207



There was a young man from Green Bay,                       
Who awoke with a sense of dismay,                           
To find in his bed,                                         
A girl who had read                                         
All of Edna St. Vincent Millay.                             
                                                            
 3072 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        John Ciardi              



Some people may think it's a con,                           
This new plan that I've hit upon.                           
But I'll now take the credit,                               
When you don't know who said it;                            
I changed my name to Anon.                                  
                                                            
 3073 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Richard Long             



We don't care one whit                                      
For poetry by permit.                                       
Let the verse flow free                                     
From the beach to the sea                                   
And uphold the tradition of Ferlinghetti.                   
(Mayor Frank Jordan of S. F. on need of permit for poetry)  
 3074 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Mayor Frank Jordan  P9305



Send pics of your girlfriends sans pants,                   
And limericks when you get the chance.                      
Make sure that your copy                                    
Is not getting sloppy,                                      
And edit these shots of my manse.                           
                                                            
 3075 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Irish                    



Please proofread this issue for free,                       
But Golly, how rude can I be?                               
For limerick donation                                       
Your grand compensation:                                    
A year of our rag is on me!                                 
                                                            
 3076 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Irish                    



Oh Bob, it would be quite grand,                            
Our rhymes to be read through the land,                     
Mixed up with pudenda                                       
Of various genda,                                           
In a tome to be read with one hand.                         
                                                            
 3077 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Irish                    



For an aging, medalioned, old voyeur,                       
You're nearly as smart as my lawyer.                        
I feel like a jerk,                                         
Still going to work,                                        
While Penthouse editors play Tom Sawyer.                    
                                                            
 3078 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Irish                    



On my license it's stated quite clear                       
"This guy is poetic right here."                            
So give him some lenience                                   
In his blatant disobedience                                 
To the rules of good grammar, he's an artificeer.           
                                                            
 3079 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT                                 



A geezer with limericks would fiddle                        
Until he went to the hospital.                              
Now I'll be dadburned                                       
If he hasn't returned,                                      
Although "Why?" is a puzzling riddle.                       
                                                            
 3080 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Cybergeezer              



Since early spring I've crept at snailish crawl,            
To finish this stone fence good neighbors call              
Good.  Now the winds the stately birches bend               
And I have miles to go before I end,                        
Someone there is who doesn't love a wall.                   
                                                            
 3081 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT                                 



Thomas Stearns Eliot stated                                 
That April's the month that he hated,                       
But apparently May                                          
Was largely okay.                                           
(His monthlies, perhaps, had abated.)                       
                                                            
 3082 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Norm Storer         P9812



Yes, I write with a quill as you see,                       
Since word processors all attack me.                        
Good enough for Mark Twain,                                 
I then fain to retain,                                      
And use what's user friendly to me.                         
                                                            
 3083 ART - POETS - 20TH CENT        Loren Fitzhugh      P0011



"Poor mariner, ruined and wrecked,                          
Are you wiser from taking your trek?"                       
"Yes I learned not to cross                                 
Any old albatross                                           
That happens to poop on my deck!"                           
                                                            
 3084 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Lassies Lover            



A mariner, beard white as hoar,                             
Accosted me at the church door.                             
No, not that old matelot,                                   
His story's old hat, lo,                                    
I've told that fool's story before.                         
                                                            
 3085 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



In days, when still young and precocious,                   
I tackled such things albatrocious,                         
When I'd time to dally,                                     
And rhyme supercalli-                                       
Fragelisticexpialidocious.                                  
                                                            
 3086 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



But now, as a very old man,                                 
My wit's gone, I'm failing to scan.                         
My brain cells are crumbling;                               
I'm drooling and mumbling,                                  
And scan and rhyme have gone to hell.                       
                                                            
 3087 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



You see how this boring preamble,                           
Is becoming a tiresome ramble.                              
I must prove beyond doubt                                   
That my mind's up the spout,                                
As my grey matter starts to unscramble.                     
                                                            
 3088 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



So please gentle reader, reverse,                           
To line 1 similar verse,                                    
That first line or two.                                     
And while you so do,                                        
I'll go off and fondle my nurse.                            
                                                            
 3089 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



This sailor says: "Tids, once I sails,                      
From Swansea, down there in South Wales,                    
We all kiss Myfanwy,                                        
The scrubber, and then we                                   
Casts off on our venturesome trails."                       
                                                            
 3090 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



At grammar these sailors are dense,                         
And speak always in present tense.                          
It makes reading hard,                                      
So if you'll beg my pard-                                   
on, I'll edit the rest, to make sense.                      
                                                            
 3091 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



The ship she was called Mary's Dream,                       
Myfanwy like, broad in the beam.                            
She's rigged fore and aft,                                  
With considerable draught,                                  
As the wind whistled through every seam.                    
                                                            
 3092 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



The helmsman, he aimed it at Dublin,                        
But his eyes, due to booze, were a-troublin',               
So she veered south sou'east,                               
Till the gale at last ceased,                               
But the sea, through the hull, now was bubblin'.            
                                                            
 3093 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



A rock in the keel, a hole tore,                            
And in through that gash, sea did pour.                     
They all gave up hope,                                      
But our Lem grabbed the soap,                               
And soon washed himself to the shore.                       
                                                            
 3094 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



That joke, has been so long around,                         
It should, like the crew, now be drowned.                   
But ere memories fade,                                      
It's source; He who played                                  
His uke as the old ship went down.                          
                                                            
 3095 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



He landed on shores Liliputian;                             
Found lots of wee fellows all rooshin',                     
One big little girlie,                                      
With hair long and curly,                                   
Barged through, 'spite cries "Stop Lily pooshin'."          
                                                            
 3096 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



He told them, "I'm Gulliver, Lemmy.                         
And though, as you sees, I am semi-                         
Literate, guys,                                             
Because of my size,                                         
I'm semi-god, (or is that demi?"                            
                                                            
 3097 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



He came on like old Sonny Liston:                           
"I'll smash all that I lay my fist on.                      
Your future is dimmin';                                     
I'll have all your women;                                   
And all of you blokes will get pissed on."                  
                                                            
 3098 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



Angels on head of a pin?                                    
Well Gulliver, man full of sin,                             
Would let those gals dance                                  
On the end of his lance,                                    
But food's short, he's growing quite thin.                  
                                                            
 3099 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



He wants, too, a real proper shag,                          
The tiny tit tickling does flag.                            
So in desperate hope,                                       
He grabs his old soap                                       
And floats off to old Brobdingnag.                          
                                                            
 3100 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



The giants here, he doesn't find funny,                     
Nor I, 'cause that name isn't punny,                        
And he almost dies,                                         
When to his surprise,                                       
Some gal stuffs him right up her cunny.                     
                                                            
 3101 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



Now don't say that I've overstated;                         
You think that such stuff is X-rated?                       
That last I did lift                                        
Without change from J. Swift,                               
In Gulliver, unexpurgated.                                  
                                                            
 3102 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



Well, how he got home I don't know.                         
I'm bored with the fellow, and so,                          
I told him he's crackers,                                   
Kicked him in the knackers,                                 
And robbed him of all of his dough.                         
                                                            
 3103 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Tiddy Ogg                



Killing a bird brought a curse,                             
The death of my crew and much worse --                      
A harrowing trip                                            
On a devilish ship,                                         
And an urge to recount it in verse.                         
                                                            
 3104 ART - POETS - ANCIENT MARINER  Nicol Mackintosh         



"My dear friend," exclaimed the Mad Hatter,                 
"Whatever is the matter?"                                   
The doormouse said, "See,                                   
"I've caught H.I.V."                                        
You should have seen how fast they scatter!                 
                                                            
 3105 ART - POETS - CARROLL                                   



Unfortunate timing had Alice,                               
With a vegetable substitute phallus.                        
Tweedle Dee in her heiny,                                   
Mushroom stopped, she got tiny;                             
Leaving her wiser, but callus.                              
                                                            
 3106 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the March Hare to Alice, "More tea?"...                
"All move down, to make more cups dirty."                   
Said the Hatter. "It's Carroll                              
Who is over a barrel --                                     
He'll be left to wash dishes, not me!"                      
                                                            
 3107 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Prof M-G                 



I Jabberwock, don't deserve dying;                          
My unhappy youth left me sighing.                           
It's true what they claim,                                  
My eyes are of flame,                                       
But yours are red, too, when you're crying.                 
                                                            
 3108 ART - POETS - CARROLL                                   



An ignorant dork, Jabberwocky                               
Was no action, just blathering talky.                       
He caused his mom worry.                                    
(His palms were all furry                                   
From pulling his minuscule cocky.)                          
                                                            
 3109 ART - POETS - CARROLL                                   



Young Alice in Wonderland is;                               
Her dreams have come true; it's the biz.                    
Indulging her habits                                        
With horny white rabbits,                                   
She can't get enough of their jizz.                         
                                                            
 3110 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Peter Wilkins            



Said Dodgson, "Farewell, Alice Liddell.                     
Through logic, I'll solve my life's riddle.                 
Stay pure and unharried                                     
And never get married;                                      
The law of the excluded middle.                             
                                                            
 3111 ART - POETS - CARROLL          P Chernoff               



What you drink is a matter of class;                        
Drink champagne and you're certain to pass.                 
But I think that L. Carrol,                                 
Had been at the barrel,                                     
When Alice threw the fucking glass.                         
                                                            
 3112 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Prof                     



That mathematical deacon                                    
Named Dodgson just couldn't help peekin'                    
Up little girls' skirts,                                    
(They were such awful flirts)                               
Just to see, if at all, they were leakin'.                  
                                                            
 3113 ART - POETS - CARROLL          TuttaGioia               



"Christmas carols are not very funny,"                      
Said Lewis while clutching his bunny.                       
The White Rabbit replied,                                   
"It's time that you tried                                   
Rhymes erotic concerning my cunny."                         
                                                            
 3114 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Prof                     



That old pedophile Lewis Carroll,                           
Was sitting one day on a barrel.                            
Of course, on his knee                                      
Was young Alice, and he                                     
Had his hand in her skimpy apparel.                         
                                                            
 3115 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



He said: "Now, you might think this funny;                  
In my pants here I've got a white bunny."                   
How long will it take,                                      
Thought the old reprobate,                                  
To get that thing into her cunny.                           
                                                            
 3116 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



'Neath her knickers his old fingers stole,                  
Most expertly seeking their goal,                           
"Ah, Alice," said he,                                       
"Right here now, I see,                                     
A suitable bunny sized hole."                               
                                                            
 3117 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



He opened his zip and said: "Lo!                            
Look at what I have here, don't you know.                   
Not a rabbit at all,                                        
But a mushroom quite small,                                 
If you nibble, you might make it grow."                     
                                                            
 3118 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



The above, as you see very well,                            
Is the root of the tale he did tell.                        
When it came to his trial,                                  
For abuse of the child,                                     
He kept himself out of a cell.                              
                                                            
 3119 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



For although he was mad as a hatter,                        
Through this interminable chatter,                          
About teapots and mice,                                     
He covered his vice,                                        
And Alice's claims did not matter.                          
                                                            
 3120 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



The jury found they could not keep                          
Alert, and they all fell asleep.                            
While the judge, on his throne,                             
Was getting a bone,                                         
At the thought of that nymphette, the creep.                
                                                            
 3121 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



At the end of this marathon plea,                           
The judge said "It seems, sir, to me,                       
I will let you go quite,                                    
If you think that you might,                                
Persuade her to sit on my knee."                            
                                                            
 3122 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



So Alice, who quite knew the score,                         
Said "'Twill cost you five quid, maybe more,                
And I want a rake-                                          
Off of all that he'll make                                  
Out of selling his fake fairy stor(y).                      
                                                            
 3123 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



In time Alice got very grand,                               
The richest whore in all the land,                          
And like that queen, red,                                   
She sure loved to give head,                                
While the pounds mounted up in her hand.                    
                                                            
 3124 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



He ate her sweet hole and then spanked her;                 
He didn't know just how to thank her.                       
But it was all just a dream,                                
'Cause he woke up and screamed.                             
He'd apparently chewed off his wanker.                      
                                                            
 3125 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Tiddy Ogg                



With Lewis's yarn I have quibbled                           
Since reading how young Alice nibbled                       
On a mushroom, then grew:                                   
That's twisted if true,                                     
And doesn't address which one dribbled.                     
                                                            
 3126 ART - POETS - CARROLL                                   



Squandering time is to PIDDLE,                              
Dancing on hot riddle griddle.                              
Did young Lewis Carroll                                     
Mind maths in his carrel,                                   
When writing of li'l Alice Liddle?                          
                                                            
 3127 ART - POETS - CARROLL          Daniel Ford              



When Lewis Carroll, with malice,                            
Fucked the bum of poor little Alice,                        
She screamed: "Don't go wild,                               
I'm just a wee child;                                       
Do the one in Buckingham Palace!"                           
                                                            
 3128 ART - POETS - CARROLL                                   



I had a young cousin named Alice                            
Who sure had a way with my phallus.                         
You'd think Lewis Carroll-                                  
'D been in her apparel                                      
'Cause of where she'd developed a callus.                   
                                                            
 3129 ART - POETS - CARROLL                                   



This cousin would often entreat me                          
To play some strange games, like she'd seat me              
In my birthday Suit                                         
And make me look cute,                                      
With a tag on my dick that said "Eat Me".                   
                                                            
 3130 ART - POETS - CARROLL                                   



That elegant lyricist, Dante,                               
Was compromised, caught en flagrante.                       
He said, "'Twas delicto                                     
To have my nib licked so...                                 
And next time she's bringing her Aunty."                    
                                                            
 3131 ART - POETS - DANTE            Lucy                     



The guy was a real vigilante;                               
I refer to the poet named Dante.                            
If you didn't do well,                                      
He'd throw you in Hell.                                     
He would do just the same for his aunty.                    
                                                            
 3132 ART - POETS - DANTE            Al Willis                



As he struggled to heaven from limbo,                       
Dante murmured to Beatrice, his bimbo,                      
"Sure, you want to scrimmage,                               
But think of my image,                                      
Don't lie with your pussy akimbo."                          
                                                            
 3133 ART - POETS - DANTE                                     



Dedicated to John Ciardi                                    
Who had a passion that's hearty                             
For pasta and chianti --                                    
Boccaccio and Dante,                                        
Even when the imps grow farty.                              
                                                            
 3134 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



At age nine Dante saw Bea,                                  
Struck by pure love was he.                                 
Feckless was Dante;                                         
Never lowered her panty                                     
But loved her as a hound loves a tree.                      
                                                            
 3135 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



A gay poet named Sordello                                   
Was really a very fun fellow.                               
I surmise that Dante                                        
Found him quite handy.                                      
And called him "Bibbe Novello."                             
                                                            
 3136 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



Dan stayed later than he should.                            
And he became lost in the wood.                             
He was confused.                                            
He was not amused.                                          
He wanted to schtup Bea, but good.                          
                                                            
 3137 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



Dante was told by old Virg'                                 
"Without bran you need a purge.                             
A good defecation                                           
Is like a vacation,                                         
Appeases that heavenly urge."                               
                                                            
 3138 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



Guide Virgil said, "Well, well!                             
We are now at the gates of Hell.                            
Let's stop here for lunch.                                  
They're a real fun bunch.                                   
And it's dark, so no one can tell."                         
                                                            
 3139 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



What did the two poets see?                                 
Paul and he drift endlessly                                 
On an inner-spring cloud,                                   
No sheet, cleat or shroud...                                
They were tactless as you must agree.                       
                                                            
 3140 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



In the library they had played footy,                       
Each proceeding up to the goody.                            
The enamored swain                                          
Guzzled champagne,                                          
The fool, from Fran's baby booty.                           
                                                            
 3141 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



Giovanni Mala Testa da Cazzo                                
Caught them in his marble palazzo.                          
His head sprouted horn                                      
Without which he was born.                                  
Jealousy drove the clod pazzso.                             
                                                            
 3142 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



Those star-crossed lovers in Rimini                         
Should have vacationed in Bimini.                           
The adulterous pair                                         
Would be accepted there,                                    
Like our Gary Hart, by jimminy!                             
                                                            
 3143 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



"Guardami, ben son', ben son' Beatrice!"                    
(Bea got this way from reading Nietzsche.)                  
"You made yourself mellow                                   
Sporting with Sordello.                                     
And now you think everything's peachy."                     
                                                            
 3144 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



I was stung by her complaint.                               
I fell into a dead faint.                                   
It all becomes clear                                        
As the stars in their sphere.                               
I hope it is, but I guess it ain't.                         
                                                            
 3145 ART - POETS - DANTE            Jim Jambor          P9011



It begins with a visit to hell,                             
Then to Purgatory as well;                                  
There Dante, with leaven                                    
Ascends into Heaven,                                        
And it's all just as comic as hell!                         
                                                            
 3146 ART - POETS - DANTE            Laurence Perrine    P8409



A poet by name Alighieri                                    
Had a penis just monstrously hairy.                         
When Beatrice, his chick,                                   
Took a look at his prick,                                   
She swore he would not pluck her cherry.                    
                                                            
 3147 ART - POETS - DANTE            OgniGioia                



Limericists, in Dante's scheme,                             
Are fed there on peaches and cream.                         
Old Satan's no fool.                                        
He'd never be cruel                                         
To those dipped in Pentatette's stream.                     
                                                            
 3148 ART - POETS - DANTE            Chris Papa               



In Florence the banning of books                            
Caused Dante to say, "Gadzooks!                             
If I wanted an inferno                                      
I would have used sterno,                                   
Like sensible outdoor cooks."                               
                                                            
 3149 ART - POETS - DANTE            Barbara Spring     TP9901



There was a young man said "Oh dear!                        
I'm not really a poet, I fear.                              
These limericks                                             
Are just a quick fix;                                       
It's all the fault of Edward Lear."                         
                                                            
 3150 ART - POETS - LEAR             Richard Long             



There once was a fellow called Lear                         
Whose verses were terribly drear.                           
All except that                                             
With an owl and a cat,                                      
Which is still quite a pleasure to hear.                    
                                                            
 3151 ART - POETS - LEAR             John Wight               



A salute to the limericks of Lear,                          
Now frequently read with a sneer.                           
If he seems out of date,                                    
It's only the fate,                                         
Of one who's a real pioneer!                                
                                                            
 3152 ART - POETS - LEAR             The Limerick Book   P9404



The limerick's birth is unclear;                            
Its genesis owed much to Lear.                              
It started as clean                                         
But soon went obscene,                                      
And this split haunts his later career.                     
                                                            
 3153 ART - POETS - LEAR                                      



There once was an artist named Lear                         
Who wrote verses to make children cheer.                    
Though they never made sense,                               
Their success was immense,                                  
And the Queen thought that Lear was a dear.                 
                                                            
 3154 ART - POETS - LEAR             H. I. Brock              



Although at the Limericks of Lear,                          
We may feel a temptation to sneer,                          
We should never forget                                      
That we owe him a debt                                      
For his work as the first pioneer.                          
                                                            
 3155 ART - POETS - LEAR             Langford Reed            



Let's all sing the praise of young Lear,                    
Whose limericks have brought so much cheer;                 
Though no Rudyard Kipling,                                  
This fanciful stripling                                     
Gave birth to the rhyme with the leer.                      
                                                            
 3156 ART - POETS - LEAR             Norm Storer              



One day, as folks stood on the pier,                        
They said, "That old man looks most queer!                  
From the shape of his nose,                                 
And his twiddly toes,                                       
We think it must be Mr. Lear."                              
                                                            
 3157 ART - POETS - LEAR             Harold C Bibby           



There was an old feline named Foss,                         
Who wished to share mice with his boss.                     
He'd bring one and purr                                     
But Lear would demur,                                       
On grounds they had run out of sauce.                       
                                                            
 3158 ART - POETS - LEAR             Bill Cooke               



There once was a person called Lear                         
Whose status is somewhat unclear,                           
For most think his name                                     
Is entitled to fame,                                        
Just for this which I illustrate her.                       
                                                            
 3159 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Holtby         P9401



Though of genius this may be a fitter sign,                 
One ought not all glory to it assign;                       
Zoological art                                              
Was his line at the start                                   
And his sitters were frequently psittacine.      (parrots)  
                                                            
 3160 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Holtby         P9401



His paintings such talent displayed                         
That a nobleman came to his aid.                            
'Dear Lear, are you willin'                                 
To practice your skill in                                   
My home--and in Rome--If I paid?                            
                                                            
 3161 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Holtby         P9401



This he does; and for children designs                      
Brief verses whose span he confines--                       
Though the space is made bigger                             
To fit in a figure--                                        
To five biographical lines.                                 
                                                            
 3162 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Holtby         P9401



This 'Nonsense' was followed by songs                       
About Jumbles and Pobbles and Dongs,                        
And that fine pair of beasts                                
To whose runcible feasts,                                   
An immortal aroma belongs.                                  
                                                            
 3163 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Holtby         P9401



Meanwhile throughout Europe he'd ride                       
And take Egypt and Greece in his stride.                    
Few landscapes escape a                                     
Transmission to paper--                                     
Till at last at San Remo he died.                           
                                                            
 3164 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Holtby         P9401



To the days of his pilgrimage here,                         
This depressive brought beauty and cheer,                   
And readers hereafter                                       
Shall cry through their laughter:                           
'How pleasant to know Mr. Lear!'                            
                                                            
 3165 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Holtby         P9401



As the rhythm entices us here                               
To pay tribute to old Edward Lear,                          
Who invented the form,                                      
Let us keep his seat warm                                   
With a blanket of limerickal cheer!                         
                                                            
 3166 ART - POETS - LEAR             Mary Sullivan            



How nice of that dear Mr. Lear,                             
To invent a verse form that I fear,                         
Some people will use                                        
Without any excuse,                                         
For rhymes causing nudge, wink or leer.                     
                                                            
 3167 ART - POETS - LEAR             Prof M-G                 



Number 30 Seymour Street swears                             
That it still has the floor and the stairs                  
Betrodden by Lear,                                          
Who once lived here;                                        
And if they are squeaking, who cares?                       
                                                            
 3168 ART - POETS - LEAR             Bill Backe-Hansen   P8808



Would Edward, our patron Saint, Lear                        
On reading what is printed here,                            
Rotate in his grave                                         
And then mercy crave                                        
Or would he, our patron Saint, Leer?                        
                                                            
 3169 ART - POETS - LEAR             Irving Superior     P8505



Mere nonsense no more, now that they've                     
Been used to corrupt anad deprave,                          
So that sound that you hear                                 
Must be old Edward Lear,                                    
As he slowly rotates in his grave.                          
                                                            
 3170 ART - POETS - LEAR             Richard Long             



There was an old fellow called Lear                         
Who existed on oysters and beer.                            
He traveled to Spain,                                       
Never came back again,                                      
But I think I can smell him from here!                      
                                                            
 3171 ART - POETS - LEAR                                      



The pink buds have refused to unclose,                      
The aroma's not much to disclose.                           
Gardening's been luckless,                                  
For Alice B. Toklas,                                        
Still, a rose is a rose is a rose.                          
                                                            
 3172 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G0477



The late poet Wystan Hugh Auden,                            
Left us poems never maudl'n but mod'n.                      
The first things he wrote                                   
Struck a socialist note,                                    
But increasingly, then he let God'n.                        
                                                            
 3173 ART - POETS - NAMED            John Ciardi              



There was a young poet named Browning                       
Who rescued a virgin from drowning.                         
Next day they got married,                                  
Next month, she miscarried--                                
His philosophy kept him from frowning.                      
                                                            
 3174 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G2275



The best poets are all named Robert.                        
Most other poets make my ears hurt.                         
Just Burns and Frost;                                       
The rest should get lost,                                   
Along with the drivel they spurt.                           
                                                            
 3175 ART - POETS - NAMED            Marlene                  



A splendid young fellow was Byron                           
And truly a poet of Yron.                                   
He fought for the Greek,                                    
Admiring his cheek:                                         
For it was the Turk that he'd Fyron.                        
                                                            
 3176 ART - POETS - NAMED            Paul H LeBrun            



His Lordship went wooing his sister                         
Or so it was said, when he kister;                          
Instead of a bow,                                           
His aim was so low,                                         
He tripped over his foot and so mister!                     
                                                            
 3177 ART - POETS - NAMED            Paul H LeBrun            



He swam in canals, and Lake Como;                           
Kept pets, and a Wop Major-domo.                            
This punky young Lord                                       
Felt his pen was his sword:                                 
So was he a Het. Or a Homo?                                 
                                                            
 3178 ART - POETS - NAMED            Paul H LeBrun            



No, Listen, there's this albatross,                         
I shot him, he wasn't half cross.                           
He had the crew cursed; he                                  
Made us feel thirsty.                                       
I'm ancient now.  Tragic, eh, boss?                         
                                                            
 3179 ART - POETS - NAMED            Bill Greenwell           



I knocked long 'fore he turned back the door lock;          
"Afternoon," I said, touching my forelock.                  
But Sam wouldn't chat;                                      
Said "I've no time for that",                               
So I took myself back home to Porlock.                      
                                                            
 3180 ART - POETS - NAMED            Peter Wilkins            



An old poet named Coventry Patmore                          
Would say he thought no man had shat more,                  
Or wetter or worse,                                         
Or a niftier verse,                                         
And added: "I piss and I cat more."                         
                                                            
 3181 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G2278



A poet named Robinson Jeffers                               
Wrote quatrains as light as the zephyrs.                    
He was fragile and lean,                                    
And a bit epicene                                           
(Except when fucking the heifers).                          
(epicene - ambipectrous)                                    
 3182 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G2377



Wanted: Limericks skillfully done.                          
Pay in dollars for verses is one                            
For those ladies can share.                                 
Two for clergymen's fare.                                   
Ten for limericks. Don Marquis. The Sun.                    
                                                            
 3183 ART - POETS - NAMED            A. N. Wilkins       P8703



Poor Dylan had punched his last card...                     
Drank sixteen straight whiskeys...toped hard!               
In a coma he fell...                                        
No more magic spell...                                      
So died that bibacious Welsh bard.                          
                                                            
 3184 ART - POETS - NAMED            Tutta Gioia              



E.A. Poe's betrothed, Ida Mae Flusher,                      
Wore as makeup, soft highlights and blusher.                
Although she didn't try,                                    
What caught E.A. Poe's eye,                                 
Was the fall of the blouse styled by Usher.                 
                                                            
 3185 ART - POETS - NAMED            Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



A wonderful writer was he,                                  
With "The Raven" and Annabel Lee,"                          
And it shouldn't surprise                                   
That his fame would arise;                                  
The poet fits Poe to a "t".                                 
                                                            
 3186 ART - POETS - NAMED            Sally Yocum         P9710



Found: Last evening a rather large crow,                    
Partialy trained. The one word it does know                 
Incessantly spoken.                                         
Bird not house broken.                                      
Its owner should call E. A. Poe.                            
                                                            
 3187 ART - POETS - NAMED            A. N. Wilkins       P8703



Abstention now means--just say NO.                          
Unless you are E. Allen Poe.                                
Then, "Nevermore" will do,                                  
And a pipe or two,                                          
Then back to his bells he would go.                         
                                                            
 3188 ART - POETS - NAMED            Irving Superior     P9708



I love thee; I've counted the ways.                         
With great breadth, thy cock has my praise.                 
I love thy prick's height                                   
In soft candle light...                                     
With pure love, I can't shift my gaze.                      
                                                            
 3189 ART - POETS - NAMED            OgniGioia                



Robert Browning was known for his plays,                    
Applauded and lauded with praise;                           
With his pen and his ink, he                                
Made love -- (Rather kinky!)                                
Said Liz, "Let me count the ways."                          
                                                            
 3190 ART - POETS - NAMED            Ann Gasser          P9004



Her suitors bring flowers, a-pickin' some,                  
And admire her bosoms, a-lickin' some.                      
She accepts hugs and kisses                                 
To most orifices                                            
But Emily prefers a dick-in-some.                           
                                                            
 3191 ART - POETS - NAMED            Chip Sloan               



Poor Ezra, he so hated war...                               
With reason he lost all rapport.                            
Got anti-Semitic,                                           
Democracy's critic...                                       
The Fascists' seduced and bought whore.                     
                                                            
 3192 ART - POETS - NAMED            Tutta Gioia              



There once was a couple named Mound,                        
Whose sexual control was profound.                          
When engaged in coition,                                    
They had the ambition                                       
To study the Cantos by Pound.                               
                                                            
 3193 ART - POETS - NAMED            Anon                G2433



Henry found playing the cello                               
With his woggle, made tones much more mellow...             
As he bowed with great pride,                               
The maid spied him and sighed,                              
My goodness! You ARE a long fellow.                         
                                                            
 3194 ART - POETS - NAMED            Tutta Gioia              



Ivy Compton-Burnett's irritations!                          
And the titles she gives her narrations!                    
All those misses and misters,                               
Those "Brothers and Sisters"--                              
They all sound like sexual relations!                       
                                                            
 3195 ART - POETS - NAMED            Anon                G0807



There's a genial young poetriarch Euge                      
Who hollars with heartiness huge:                           
Let such soulks sob for solace                              
So the jejune joy with Jolas!                               
Book your berths! Apres Mots, le deluge.                    
                                                            
 3196 ART - POETS - NAMED            James Joyce         P9008



John Betjeman, poet bar none,                               
Had a crush on Miss Joan Hunter-Dunn.                       
So she said to him, "How                                    
Would you like it in Slough,                                
Now the bombing you prayed for's begun?"                    
                                                            
 3197 ART - POETS - NAMED            Jim Weaver Collection    



That fine English poet, John Donne,                         
Was wont to admonish the sun.                               
"You busy old fool,                                         
Lie still and keep cool,                                    
For I am in bed having fun."                                
                                                            
 3198 ART - POETS - NAMED            Wendy Cope               



A theatrical tenebris Yeats                                 
Went out on a tour of the States.                           
He preached against pelf,                                   
But he collared himself                                     
About 50 percent of the gates.                              
                                                            
 3199 ART - POETS - NAMED            James Joyce         P9311



The Scot Billy Mac should be tarred                         
And feathered, that Gaelic retard.                          
I'll go with John Keats,                                    
When of beauty he treats;                                   
He's clearly our very best bard.                            
                                                            
 3200 ART - POETS - NAMED                                     



There once was a poet named Keats                           
Who enjoyed smelling bicycle seats.                         
For those used by men                                       
He had no great yen,                                        
But those squiffed by girls, he thought treats.             
                                                            
 3201 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G2381



Miss Fanny, adored by John Keats,                           
Loved romances and sucking on sweets.                       
Yet one glance from this skirt                              
Could reduce the poor squirt                                
To a few inarticulate bleats.                               
                                                            
 3202 ART - POETS - NAMED            Keith H. Peterson        



There was a young poet named Keats                          
Who shagged every day in the streets.                       
He did it because                                           
The alternative was                                         
To shit every night in his sheets.                          
                                                            
 3203 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G2276



When Keats was at work on Endymion,                         
He suddenly shouted, "Oh, gimme an                          
Unashamed naked nereid                                      
From the Ancient Greek period,                              
Not just Fanny Brawne, with her shimmy on."                 
                                                            
 3204 ART - POETS - NAMED            Victor Gray              



"It is good," said Keats of his prize,                      
"Between my two arms when she sighs,                        
Though better," said Keats,                                 
"When it's between sheets,                                  
And best when it's between her thighs."                     
                                                            
 3205 ART - POETS - NAMED            Michael Polo        P8612



Both Keats and Boccaccio tell a                             
Sad tale about Isabella,                                    
Who was worn to a frazzle,                                  
Weeping over some basil                                     
That grew from the skull of her fella.                      
                                                            
 3206 ART - POETS - NAMED            Joyce Johnson            



There was a young poet named Keats                          
Who kept his friends glued to their seats,                  
By stories in verse                                         
Of himself and his nurse,                                   
And their marvelous sexual feats.                           
                                                            
 3207 ART - POETS - NAMED            Isaac Asimov             



John Keats, who was anxious to learn                        
How much he was Ode for a churn.                            
He made for some Grecians                                   
With sylvan accretions,                                     
Asked, "How much does a good Grecian earn?"                 
                                                            
 3208 ART - POETS - NAMED            Laurence Perrine    P9211



That silly young man from St. Bees                          
Said, "My favorite poem is 'Trees';                         
I like the part best                                        
'Bout the 'sweet flowing breast;"                           
Kilmer's verse makes me weak in the knees!"                 
                                                            
 3209 ART - POETS - NAMED            Robin K. Willoughby P8507



The life of George Gordon, Lord Byron                       
Was sexually quite uninspirin';                             
He would use, now and then,                                 
The rear ends of young men,                                 
An act most were far from admirin'.                         
                                                            
 3210 ART - POETS - NAMED            Isaac Asimov             



My name is George Gordon, Lord Byron,                       
And my prick is as hard as cast iron.                       
Here alone I regret                                         
I'm not with that coquette,                                 
My sister who screwed like a siren.                         
                                                            
 3211 ART - POETS - NAMED            A. N. Wilkins       P8702



If Byron laid his half-sister Augusta,                      
'Twas but to give the gossip columns lustre,                
And should not nowadays, in practice,                       
From his poetry, distract us--                              
Get on with reading Manfred, will you, Buster?              
                                                            
 3212 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G0804



Of MacGonigle I have not heard;                             
As for skill, I won't take your word.                       
I'll seek out a book                                        
And just take a look;                                       
If he's rotten I'll flip you the bird!                      
                                                            
 3213 ART - POETS - NAMED            Jim Weaver Collection    



Shakespeare and Milton...sublime!                           
And Chaucer, he too in full time...                         
But at five and a score,                                    
Keats had written more                                      
When stolen from us in his prime.                           
                                                            
 3214 ART - POETS - NAMED            Tutta Gioia              



With my dendrites fast slipping away,                       
And my anapests in disarray,                                
My rhymes ain't so pure.                                    
This tells me for sure                                      
I ain't Edna St. Vincent Millay.                            
                                                            
 3215 ART - POETS - NAMED            Observer                 



There's an Irishman, Arthur O'Shaughnessy --                
On the chessboard of poets, a pawn is he;                   
Though a bishop or king                                     
Would be rather his thing                                   
To the fancy of Arthur O'Shaughnessy.                       
                                                            
 3216 ART - POETS - NAMED            Dante G. Rossetti        



If I could but write like O Nash,                           
Old scribbles of mine I would trash.                        
I'd compose brand new stuff                                 
Without fat or fluff,                                       
But with wit, that would sparkle and flash.                 
                                                            
 3217 ART - POETS - NAMED            Marc Davis               



A rhymester named J Ogden Nash                              
Used to write these brief verses for cash.                  
He was also a punster;                                      
A world renowned funster,                                   
And a writer with loads of panache.                         
                                                            
 3218 ART - POETS - NAMED            Marc Davis               



Beware of the poems of Ogden;                               
Unwary old folks have been fogden.                          
There's so much balderdash,                                 
It will make your teeth Nash,                               
And your ears will get mired down and bogden.               
                                                            
 3219 ART - POETS - NAMED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2732



"Mr. Poe," said the Raven, "I trust                         
You recall the dark night we discussed                      
That likeness of Pallas?                                    
I viewed him as callous                                     
And as solace provider, a bust."                            
                                                            
 3220 ART - POETS - NAMED            Loren Fitzhugh      P0800



There once was a young writer named Joyce                   
Whose diction was ribaldly choice,                          
And all his friends woes                                    
Were deduced from his prose                                 
Which never filled anyone's purse.                          
(Ezra Pound said this rhymes in parts of New York)          
 3221 ART - POETS - NAMED            Ezra Pound               



Robert Browning infrequently misses                         
The target and earns himself hisses,                        
But I have to complain                                      
That he's clearly  profane                                  
In writing that verse, Papa Pisses.  (??-McW)               
                                                            
 3222 ART - POETS - NAMED            Anon                     



There was an old poet named Frost                           
Who stopped by some woods and got lost.                     
Despite promises, so                                        
He had miles to go                                          
Before sleep, and he'd not even flossed!                    
                                                            
 3223 ART - POETS - NAMED                                     



The Bard of the North, Robert Service,                      
Was poking a lady named Jervis.                             
She murmured, "Oh, Bob,                                     
You do such a nice job,                                     
But those snow shoes you wear, make me nervous."            
                                                            
 3224 ART - POETS - NAMED                                     



Are gentlemen living is Siam                                
Was astonished to learn as I am                             
That a guy named Fitzgerald                                 
Wrote the poem we herald                                    
As The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.                            
                                                            
 3225 ART - POETS - NAMED            Cyber Geezer             



On the road to Mandalay                                     
Where the soldiers Manda lay.                               
Let the storm come up like thunder                          
(As they spread her legs asunder)                           
'Cause the men demand a lay.                                
                                                            
 3226 ART - POETS - NAMED            Irving Superior     P8805



On the road where Manda lay                                 
Stands a witness there who'll say,                          
"Hit and runner,                                            
Came like thunder,                                          
From behind her," Rudyard K.                                
                                                            
 3227 ART - POETS - NAMED            Irving Superior     P8805



Said Sam Coleridge, "This poem was the spawn                
Of an opium dream. I was drawn                              
To write it all down,                                       
But a clodpoll from town                                    
Blundered in and the magic was gone.                        
                                                            
 3228 ART - POETS - NAMED            A. N. Wilkins       P8803



I've pondered the writings of Shelly,                       
Who sat in his heighborhood deli                            
And pondered his life                                       
While eating his wife                                       
And bagels with kosher grape jelly.                         
                                                            
 3229 ART - POETS - NAMED            Travis Brasell           



There was a young poet named Shelly                         
Who much preferred bottom to belly.                         
He argued the former                                        
Was tighter and warmer,                                     
Though it does make the shooting stick smelly.              
                                                            
 3230 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G2277



Shelly's death - was it really his wish                     
To be drowned 'midst Ilalian fish?                          
I certainly think                                           
I'd dive in the drink,                                      
If my parents had christened me Bysshe.                     
                                                            
 3231 ART - POETS - NAMED            Bill Greenwell           



There was a young poet named Swinburne                      
Who swore: "May my soul and my skin burn!                   
The prospect appalls                                        
Not a person whose balls                                    
To bugger a Siamese twin burn."                             
                                                            
 3232 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G2279



Swinburne--he of the multiple rhyme--                       
Was a victim of nursery crime.                              
To make his little pinny stir                               
His nurse used to administer                                
Treatment so sweet and sinister                             
It still made Swinburne burn when in his prime.             
 3233 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G0806



The editors cried, "Resubmit!"                              
Thomas then had a snit fit.                                 
"Re-write my Prufrock?                                      
You can suck on my cock!"                                   
They replied, "Just T.S., Eliot!"                           
                                                            
 3234 ART - POETS - NAMED                                     



T. S. Elliot is quite at a loss,                            
When clubwomen bustle across                                
At literary teas                                            
Crying, "What, if you please,                               
Did you mean by the Mill on the Floss?"                     
                                                            
 3235 ART - POETS - NAMED            W. H. Auden              



"I would doubt", said the Bishop of Balham,                 
"If Tennyson ever had Hallam.                               
Such things are best hid.                                   
Let's hope that he did                                      
De mortuis nil nisi malum."                                 
(De mortuis... - Never speak ill of the dead)               
 3236 ART - POETS - NAMED            Terence Rattigan         



Said Tennyson, "Yes, Locksley Hall's                        
A story that always enthralls,                              
For it comes down to this,                                  
She gave him a kiss.                                        
And then a good kick in the balls."                         
                                                            
 3237 ART - POETS - NAMED            Victor Gray              



'Twas a trait of small Thomas Love Peacock's                
And his brother to sink both their wee cocks                
Into fish, snake, or bird,                                  
But the tail they preferred                                 
Was the one that made Thomas love peacocks.                 
                                                            
 3238 ART - POETS - NAMED                                G0805



Young Kilmer said, "Dad, I can't see                        
Why we call forest 'virgin'."  "The key,"                   
He replied, "to it all,                                     
You ought to recall.                                        
Only God can, you know, make a tree."                       
                                                            
 3239 ART - POETS - NAMED            A. N. Wilkins       P8409



Bryant, nee William Cullen                                  
Picked up one day an old skull 'n                           
Wrote Thanatopsis;                                          
A dreary synopsis                                           
Of thoughts 'bout the grave, really sullen.                 
                                                            
 3240 ART - POETS - NAMED            TuttaGioia               



To get the Last Poems of Yeats,                             
You need not mug up on dates;                               
All a reader requires                                       
Is some knowledge of gyres,                                 
And the sort of people he hates.                            
                                                            
 3241 ART - POETS - NAMED            W. H. Auden         P8608



Said Jim Smith, a young lad from old Siam,                  
"These bad poems show I'm no Omar Khayyam.                  
My poetical work                                            
Makes me look like a jerk.                                  
You can see what a stupid ass I am."                        
                                                            
 3242 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Ward Hardman             



"A book and a jug and a dame,                               
And a nice cozy nook for the same;                          
And I don't give a damn,"                                   
Said Omar Khayyam,                                          
"What you say, it's a great little game."                   
(Here with a loaf of bread...)                              
 3243 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS E M Robinson             



An old poet called Omar cried, "Now                         
I've found Paradise truly, and how!                         
I regret what I've said,                                    
Stuff verse, wine, and bread!                               
I'll have thou and have thou and have thou.                 
                                                            
 3244 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS J. E. C.                 



A young writer of verses named Bough,                       
Ate the Loaf, drained the jug, then yelled, "Thou,          
Makest my life a  mess,                                     
Singing in the wilderness,                                  
Hush, love, Thou'st spoiled Paradise enow."                 
                                                            
 3245 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS                          



Old Omar Kayahm loved to linger                             
In the wilderness with his sweet singer;                    
She enjoyed Omar's wine,                                    
Thought his loaf was just fine,                             
But she liked best his famed "moving finger."               
                                                            
 3246 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Robin K. Willoughby P8407



Recently I was taken aback                                  
When my wife offered this neat wisecrack:                   
I'd asked, "Whom do you see                                 
Most changed our poetry?"                                   
She said, "Doubtlessly, Omar Kayak."                        
                                                            
 3247 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



"The finger that moves, having writ,                        
Moves on," said Khayam, "nor your wit                       
Nor your piety shan't                                       
Divert it one scant                                         
As it pokes out your eye -- you dumb twit!"                 
                                                            
 3248 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Arthur Deex         P8804



"Fate's sure finger," said Khayyam, "doth spawn             
Cogent tales made to reflect upon.                          
Thoughts today are not gelled                               
And the words are misspelled.                               
Do you wonder the finger moves on?"                         
                                                            
 3249 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9709



"Loaf of bread, jug of wine, and thee"                      
I said to my lover passionately!                            
She spat in my face                                         
And left in such haste,                                     
I barely could speak, but said "Gee!"                       
                                                            
 3250 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Javabeane                



Next morning, I tried once again,                           
With the alcohol clouding my brain.                         
"With this loaf and a jug,                                  
Can I give you a hug?"                                      
She thought I was going insane.                             
                                                            
 3251 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Peter W                  



"I'll be luckier next time," I said,                        
"By omitting the passionate bread.                          
With this jug I am trying                                   
To declare love undying."                                   
She walloped me over the head.                              
                                                            
 3252 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Peter W                  



As I daintily wiped off the booze,                          
I thought "Hell, what is there to lose?"                    
So I dropped down a notch                                   
And went straight for her crotch,                           
And got in her, right up to my shoes.                       
                                                            
 3253 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS John Miller              



Some booze with a friend by a tree                          
Makes you happy and horny, you see.                         
But don't give me credit,                                   
'Twas Khayyam who said it.                                  
Give a try. It will cure your ennui.                        
                                                            
 3254 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Julia Strawn        P8707



"Though your singing, my dear, is divine,"                  
Omar said, "and these verses are fine,                      
Though our favorite oasis                                   
Is the best of all places,                                  
You've neglected the bread and the wine."                   
                                                            
 3255 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS A. N. Wilkins       P8403



In days well before old King Fahd                           
There lived an Arabian bard,                                
Who told of the delights                                    
Of a thousand plus nights,                                  
With a pop-tart called Sheherezade.                         
                                                            
 3256 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



But this so-called bard, who was gaga,                      
And does not know Baghdad from West Gaza,                   
Thinks Sheherezade                                          
Is a name far too hard                                      
To spell, so I'll call the bitch Zaza.                      
                                                            
 3257 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



Well this is the tale that he told,                         
Of a tale-telling female of old.                            
But who, unlike me,                                         
Who tells you for free,                                     
From scribbling, some blokes make much gold.                
                                                            
 3258 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



Most famous of whom, Richard Burton,                        
(Not Liz Taylor's cuckold, that dirt on                     
Whom's easily found.)                                       
This bloke, Eastward bound,                                 
On Arab scrawl, lifted the curtain.                         
                                                            
 3259 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



Now that verse was much worser than most,                   
Says I who uncommonly boast.                                
Get on with the tale,                                       
Or you'll surely fail                                       
To complete it, ere Erm wants warm toast.                   
                                                            
 3260 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a powerful sheikh,                           
Who, each night, a virgin would take,                       
And have his foul way                                       
Till dawn the next day,                                     
Then kill them as daylight would break.                     
                                                            
 3261 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



He did it without much compunction;                         
But face it, if you wanted conjunction                      
With cunt that's brand new,                                 
Then you got to screw                                       
Them thus, though folks say you dysfunction.                
                                                            
 3262 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



Now Zaza, to save her kid sister,                           
Who's next on his list, says: "Hey mister,                  
I see you're well hung,                                     
And I'm good with my tongue.                                
How 'bout it?" and he can't resist her.                     
                                                            
 3263 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



"Hang on, 'fore you get at my twat,                         
I've something to say, not a lot.                           
I'll tell you the tale                                      
Of Sinbad the Sail-                                         
Or, 'cause plenty of time we still got.                     
                                                            
 3264 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



And though the old fool wants to bang her,                  
To tup her, to screw her, to wang her,                      
He sits there, enthralled,                                  
Till breakfast is called,                                   
When she stops at a crucial cliff-hanger.                   
                                                            
 3265 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



So each night he plays with his cock;                       
She is not getting out of her frock;                        
No, our cunning Zaza                                        
Relates Ali Baba,                                           
And mythical birds like the roc.                            
                                                            
 3266 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



This goes on for nearly three years,                        
(A thousand and one nights, my dears.)                      
He then says he'll bed her                                  
And not then behead her,                                    
And happily they live for years.                            
                                                            
 3267 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



The wisdom of old Persion mystics,                          
I've studied to find the logistics,                         
To solve here the matter                                    
Of feminine chatter,                                        
And overcome cunning linguistics                            
                                                            
 3268 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



If you, man, are in the same boat,                          
Her yakking is getting your goat,                           
The answer, of course,                                      
Is strike at the source:                                    
She'll not talk with dork in her throat.                    
                                                            
 3269 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tiddy Ogg                



Your tale of the harem with stores enough                   
Of one-night-stand ladies, sheiks whores enough,            
Is as charmingly told                                       
As that opus of old,                                        
Composed by team Rimsky and Korsekov.                       
                                                            
 3270 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Scott C                  



Two Persians, Omar and Khayyam,                             
Thought they were being subliam.                            
But they wrote tommyrot                                     
In that damn Ruba'iyat,                                     
'Bout how depressingly short our life ti'am.                
                                                            
 3271 ART - POETS - OMAR/1001 NIGHTS Tutta Gioia              



The grit folk an' the puir do't,                            
The blythe folk an' the sour do't,                          
The black, the white,                                       
Rude and polite,                                            
Both autocrat an' boor do't.                                
                                                            
 3272 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



For they a' do't, they a' do't,                             
The beggars an' the braw do't,                              
Folk that ance were,                                        
An' folk that are--                                         
And folk that come will a' do't.                            
                                                            
 3273 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



The auld folk try't, the young ane's spy't,                 
An' straightway kiss an' fa' to't,                          
The blind, the lame,                                        
The wild, the tame,                                         
In warm climes an' in cauld do't.                           
                                                            
 3274 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



The licensed by the law do't,                               
Forbidden folk an' a' do't,                                 
An' priest an' nun                                          
Enjoy the fun,                                              
An' never ance say na' to't.                                
                                                            
 3275 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



The goulocks an' the snails do't,                           
The cushie-doos an' quails do't,                            
The dogs, the cats,                                         
The mice, the rats,                                         
E'en elephants an' whales do't.                             
                                                            
 3276 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



The weebeit cocks an' hens do't,                            
The robins an' the wrens do't,                              
The grizzly bears,                                          
The toads and hares,                                        
The puddocks in the fens do't.                              
(puddocks - Scots for toad)                                 
 3277 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



The boars an' kangaroos do't,                               
The titlins an' cuckoos do't,                               
While sparrow sma'                                          
An' rabbits a',                                             
In countless swarms an' crews do't.                         
                                                            
 3278 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



The midges, fleas, an' bees do't,                           
The mawkes an' mites in cheese do't,                        
An cauld earthworms                                         
Crawl up in swarms,                                         
An' underneath the trees do't.                              
                                                            
 3279 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



The kings an' queens an' a' do't,                           
The Sultan an' Pasha do't,                                  
An' Spanish dons                                            
Loup off their thrones                                      
Pu' doon their breeks, an' fa' to't.                        
                                                            
 3280 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



For they a' do't--they a' do't,                             
The grit as weel's the sma' do't,                           
Frae crowned king                                           
To creeping thing,                                          
'Tis just the same--they a' do't!                           
                                                            
 3281 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns             



He screws little mice night and day;                        
From his lab they don't run away.                           
Does not need a cage;                                       
He learned from a sage:                                     
The best laid mice don't go astray.                         
                                                            
 3282 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



Bobby Burns showed but little concern                       
When the mouse did not post a return.                       
Not the first unrequited,                                   
Other poets were slighted --                                
Johnny Keats never heard from the urn.                      
                                                            
 3283 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       William N Nesbit         



The delight of this snippet of verse,                       
Is it's meaningful, pithy and terse,                        
And what's more, it scans.                                  
Ah, the best laid of plans                                  
Gang aft agley, so much the worse.                          
                                                            
 3284 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



I passed an old bum in the gutter                           
And started, when I heard him mutter,                       
"Hey, H, my old bud,                                        
Still up ta no gud?"                                        
I turned and went limp with a shudder.                      
                                                            
 3285 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



"Is that you, my old friend, Neeky M.?"                     
I whispered. And man, he looked grim.                       
"I thought you were dead."                                  
"Yep, that's what's been said,"                             
He croaked, as he hacked up some phlegm.                    
                                                            
 3286 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



He said he caught rats (with a sneeze),                     
And mice (called the small ones a breeze).                  
They fetched a good price,                                  
(The fats ones taste nice),                                 
When sold to the local Chinese.                             
                                                            
 3287 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



He spat a fine lunger a ways;                               
Quite far for a man of his days,                            
And wiped off the slurb.                                    
"Here, sit on my curb.                                      
Let's see if I still can amaze."                            
                                                            
 3288 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



(Now Neeky had taught me some arts                          
Of fucking and rhyming and farts.                           
No drink would he spurn;                                    
No fart he'd not burn.)                                     
"You'll leave out the boring-ass parts?"                    
                                                            
 3289 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



"For you, my dear H, just the gist:                         
One night, while excessively pissed,                        
I lit off a whore.                                          
No, wait, there is more --                                  
My Bic squirted loose, and I missed.                        
                                                            
 3290 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



It lodged in her snatch with a "thwuck"                     
And through some bizarre twist of luck,                     
And unknownst to us,                                        
Overlooked in the fuss,                                     
It dumped its whole load, like a truck.                     
                                                            
 3291 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



I fished it out, fucked the old lass --                     
I swear, this is what came to pass:                         
My balls felt real cool --                                  
And so did my tool.                                         
Didn't know they was takin' on gas.                         
                                                            
 3292 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



I got me a nut wouldn't stop --                             
I spuzzed near a gallon of slop.                            
But this you might doubt:                                   
My crank was pinched out --                                 
So swollen I thought it would pop.                          
                                                            
 3293 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



It wheezed like a garroted cat                              
And flew to and fro like a bat.                             
It rocketed 'round,                                         
But soon the gas found                                      
A candle. And then the whore shat.                          
                                                            
 3294 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



My crankus exploded so hard,                                
It knocked me out into the yard.                            
The window blew back                                        
And cut a new crack,                                        
Where glass clipped her ass with a shard.                   
                                                            
 3295 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



Though Neeky was swine in my eye,                           
I then understood his fate. Aye.                            
Although he'd great plans,                                  
The best laid out glans                                     
Of Miceing Man oft goes awry.                               
                                                            
 3296 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS                                



Robbie Burns once wrote To a Fieldmouse                     
Without a response -- dirty louse.                          
When he checked the address                                 
He exclaimed. "Why I guess                                  
I must have mailed it to the cathouse."                     
                                                            
 3297 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Tom Patton               



The Sassenach poets are fair,                               
Although they can never compare                             
With the lad in the kilt,                                   
Who's sporran was built --                                  
Who'd take any girl on a dare!                              
                                                            
 3298 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Archie                   



I'm practicing "Och aye the noo,"                           
And glugging a whiskey or two;                              
My overnight bag is                                         
Chockful of prime haggis,                                   
For Burns Night appears to be due.                          
                                                            
 3299 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Peter Wilkins            



Best practice the poetry too;                               
"Wee sleekit and tim'rous gnu..."                           
Or summat like that,                                        
But I'll have it down pat                                   
Before Edinburgh hoves into view.                           
                                                            
 3300 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Peter Wilkins            



Oh bugger!  I'm guessing the snag is                        
Security thinking my bag is                                 
Suspiciously packed                                         
With bombs when in fact,                                    
It's just packed with a dozen ripe haggis.                  
                                                            
 3301 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Peter Wilkins            



Robert Burns was an interesting guy,                        
Though I'll never quite understand why                      
He had written a mouse                                      
Who lived far from his house,                               
And not to that squirrel close by.                          
                                                            
 3302 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Bob Birch                



The poet kept checking for mail                             
From the mouse with the two inch long tail.                 
But the mouse wasn't fair                                   
For not sending by air --                                   
Seems he sent it by way of a snail.                         
                                                            
 3303 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Bob Birch                



The moral to such a sad fable                               
Is to use the air mail if you're able.                      
You could use any fowl,                                     
Although I prefer owl,                                      
And affix your return address label.                        
                                                            
 3304 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Bob Birch                



A true Scot was young Robbie Burns;                         
He'd take all the girls out in turns.                       
He'd sigh, "Auld Lang Sine,                                 
Oh, Heather, you're mine."                                  
And screw her right there in the ferns.                     
                                                            
 3305 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Archie                   



Here's to it, and through it, and to it again,              
To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!               
So in with it, out with it,                                 
Lord work his will with it!                                 
Never a day we don't do it again!                           
(Published 1880)                                            
 3306 ART - POETS - ROBT BURNS       Robert Burns        L0367



Here's a hint for my secret admirer:                        
Just write just what sets you afire.                        
If you know in advance                                      
What lights up your pants,                                  
You won't get caught in the mire.                           
                                                            
 3307 ART - PORN                                              



The gameskeeper of Lady Chatterely,                         
Was rewarded more often that qua'terly.                     
Though I feel quite a beast",                               
She reflected, "At least,                                   
I'm having it off more than latterly."                      
                                                            
 3308 ART - PORN                     Gerry Hamill             



A programming genius called Gertie                          
Had a penchant for graphics so dirty,                       
No computer she knew                                        
Would accept what she drew,                                 
Until she had tickled its qwerty.                           
                                                            
 3309 ART - PORN                     C G Robbins              



Pornography's really the pits;                              
Idiots doing the splits                                     
With their legs in the air                                  
And that look of despair,                                   
'Cause they know they can't live by their wits.             
                                                            
 3310 ART - PORN                     Tutta Gioia              



On the subject, I really must say,                          
(Voyeurs might do what they may)                            
The sex in my head                                          
While lying in bed                                          
Would blow all your films quite away.                       
                                                            
 3311 ART - PORN                     Tutta Gioia              



The erotica written last century                            
Makes it seem that the staid British Gentry,                
Beneath their selectness,                                   
Have hidden erectness                                       
And are sexually wildly adventury.                          
                                                            
 3312 ART - PORN                     Isaac Asimov             



When I read, I enjoy a good thriller,                       
The kind where the cops catch the killer.                   
I enjoyed Constantine                                       
And The Door That Was Green,                                
But mostly seek out Henry Miller.                           
                                                            
 3313 ART - PORN                     Al Willis           P9702



Say!  Have you heard about old Henry Miller,                
Whose specialty's the sexual thriller?                      
Though his ego (see Sexus)                                  
Is as big as all Texas,                                     
Can his prick really be such a killer?                      
                                                            
 3314 ART - PORN                     Howard Parke        G0404



The problem with dear Henry Miller                          
Was, he just couldn't write a good thriller;                
So he cleared from his mind                                 
All the junk he could find --                               
He's now top of the literary pillar.                        
                                                            
 3315 ART - PORN                     Harald S. Green     P8510



In his first published Tropic edition                       
Henry Miller gave frank recognition                         
For the help he'd received                                  
From A. Nin who believed                                    
In his pen and his skill in coition.                        
                                                            
 3316 ART - PORN                     A. N. Wilkins       P9104



Mr. Mellors (her gamekeeper's name)                         
Overcomes Connie Chatterley's shame;                        
When he roots in her shrubbery                              
With an implement rubbery,                                  
He observes that it's keeping her game.                     
                                                            
 3317 ART - PORN                     Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



The box said "Takes 2 D-Cell Batteries"                     
And believing the pink-printed flatteries,                  
Saw her vibrating partner                                   
As a sensual gardener,                                      
In a story just like Lady Chatterley's!                     
                                                            
 3318 ART - PORN                     Jim Weaver Collection    



My maiden aunt from Fitzackerly                             
Was built rather like Lady Chatterly.                       
But it all went to waste                                    
Because of her taste,                                       
Was not sex but merely philately.                           
                                                            
 3319 ART - PORN                     Tony Burrell             



Though he was dressed rather nattily,                       
She dismissed poor Tom quite cattily.                       
"I'm having an affair                                       
With the gamekeeper there."                                 
Said the gorgeous Lady Chatilly.                            
                                                            
 3320 ART - PORN                                              



"Though Lord Clifford is vestured more nattily,             
The size of his member is rattley,                          
When he sticks it down there.                               
So I had an affair                                          
With Mellors." the Lady said Chattily.                      
                                                            
 3321 ART - PORN                     Hugh Clary               



In one of their sexual spells,                              
Our Mellors put, (so Lawrence tells,)                       
Her tits in his ears,                                       
So he never hears                                           
The ring of the village church bells.                       
                                                            
 3322 ART - PORN                     Tiddy                    



She knew him as her dear undercover                         
Man, this gully of pheasant and plover.                     
Constance said, "My dear Mellors,                           
You're a hell of a feller.                                  
I'm glad you're Lady Chatterley's Lover."                   
                                                            
 3323 ART - PORN                     Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



Linda Lovelace preferred foot-long coneys                   
Such as the ones you can find at Shoney's.                  
But in a tight bight,                                       
You know damn well right,                                   
She'd settle for ones hung on ponies.                       
                                                            
 3324 ART - PORN                     Mike Desso               



She did just one movie of note                              
On which all pornographers dote.                            
It featured a knob                                          
Which widened her gob,                                      
'Fore plunging the depths of her throat.                    
                                                            
 3325 ART - PORN                     SFA                      



Let me tell you 'bout my secret life:                       
My pecker was keen as a knife,                              
But last week -- Oh No! --                                  
When the tart didn't show,                                  
I was forced into forcing my wife!                          
                                                            
 3326 ART - PORN                     Robin K. Willoughby P8409



I'm afraid I get bored with smut;                           
It's like getting stuck in a rut                            
Now other folks' screws                                     
Just don't seem like news;                                  
Rather more like a kick in the butt.                        
                                                            
 3327 ART - PORN                                              



Twelve months of Penthouse for free!                        
In anatomical terms that would be:                          
Six hundred hooters,                                        
Nine semen shooters,                                        
And a lady caught taking a pee.                             
(Penthouse offers subscription for good limericks)          
 3328 ART - PORN                     Irish                    



A dyke with a midget in drag,                               
Advice from an old hooker hag,                              
Three hundred twats,                                        
And various shots                                           
Of Bo having sex with a nag.                                
                                                            
 3329 ART - PORN                     Irish                    



A thousand and two close-up rumps,                          
A dozen whores caught between humps.                        
With this kind of pay,                                      
Write them down, Don't delay.                               
The paycheck is better than Trump's.                        
                                                            
 3330 ART - PORN                     Irish                    



The Editor, Bob Guccione                                    
Prints Penthouse, for whacking your pony.                   
Playboy is too neat;                                        
Hustler is raw meat;                                        
And Forum, I think is a phoney.                             
                                                            
 3331 ART - PORN                     Frank Fazed              



When posing a Pet for a shot,                               
Bob uses technique a lot.                                   
His lenses he pastes                                        
With glycerine wastes,                                      
To tone down the glare from her twat.                       
                                                            
 3332 ART - PORN                     Irish                    



A penthouse subscription, I'm hopin';                       
No more just sittin' and mopin'.                            
The old ones I got                                          
Are not very hot;                                           
All their pages are stuck and won't open.                   
                                                            
 3333 ART - PORN                     Les Stewart              



The Story Of O, I have heard                                
Is about a peculiar bird                                    
Who likes flagellation                                      
And self-mutilation.                                        
OW seems a more suitable word.                              
                                                            
 3334 ART - PORN                     Arthur Deex         P9607



The 'Tropic of Cancer' amazed                               
Some readers and rendered them dazed.                       
Some older than 30                                          
Considered it dirty,                                        
But others who read it weren't fazed.                       
                                                            
 3335 ART - PORN                     R. J. Winkler       P8409



I've just read a memorable book.                            
Passages so moved me I shook!                               
It's all about a tramp                                      
(My panties got damp)                                       
I've underlined the good parts -- look!                     
                                                            
 3336 ART - PORN                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Twenty thousand leagues under the sea,                      
On the nautilus, prisoners three:                           
Were Conseil and the prof                                   
And Ned Land, till hurled off                               
Nemo's sub in the maelstrom's debris.                       
                                                            
 3337 ART - PROSE                    Prof M=G                 



There was a young person of Oldham                          
Who altered his tales as he sold 'em,                       
When his friends said, "How mean"                           
He replied, "All serene!"                                   
And that's about all that he told 'em.                      
                                                            
 3338 ART - PROSE                    Rudyard Kipling1903 P8903



Anna's husband attempted in vain                            
Her passionate heart to restrain.                           
Anna fell for a count,                                      
Then she fell for THE count                                 
When she finally fell 'fore a train.                        
                                                            
 3339 ART - PROSE                    Laurence Perrine    P8409



The apostrophe piss's me off                                
Although I was taught by my prof                            
How to use it in "it's",                                    
My use of it shit's,                                        
Causing some people to snigger and scoff.                   
                                                            
 3340 ART - PROSE                    John Miller              



"Though," said Grendel, "we don't want to sell,             
For it once was a quiet rustic dell,                        
Every night there's a brawl                                 
In Hrogthar's meadhall,                                     
And the neighborhood's going to hell."                      
                                                            
 3341 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



A writer has got to be deft.                                
When he finds he has no money left,                         
Can he do without meals?                                    
To hell with ideals.                                        
Learn to toss of a 'roman a cleft'.                         
                                                            
 3342 ART - PROSE                    John Ciardi              



Let's enter THE LITERARY SCENE,                             
The whole world of what might-have-been.                    
But it's best to recall,                                    
Before having a ball,                                       
What's Literature can't be obscene.                         
                                                            
 3343 ART - PROSE                    E O Parrot               



I've studied the depths of life's woes                      
To pinpoint what causes the throes                          
Of trouble and strife,                                      
That happens in life,                                       
And I must conclude that it's prose.                        
                                                            
 3344 ART - PROSE                    Travis                   



To add to life's woes in this dwelling,                     
A second cause comes for the telling;                       
Along with all prose                                        
As everyone knows,                                          
Are surely the woes of misspelling.                         
                                                            
 3345 ART - PROSE                    Travis                   



Raskoinkov loved little old ladies                          
And he loved 'em the best on their paydays.                 
He was no good in bed                                       
So he went for her head                                     
But he ended up going to Hades.                             
                                                            
 3346 ART - PROSE                    Neal Wilgus         P8409



There was a young writer from Providence                    
Who brilliantly coined his own evidence,                    
Like weird-sounding names                                   
(Which spawn role-playing games)                            
And dark tomes about alien residents.                       
                                                            
 3347 ART - PROSE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



His porridge gone and looking doleful,                      
Young Copperfield seeks one more bowl full.                 
The beadle, eyes aglare,                                    
Outrageous in his stare;                                    
A literary scene most "Whoa-full."                          
                                                            
 3348 ART - PROSE                    Irving Superior     P8609



Natty Bumpo was one those few                               
Who were thrifty, brave, clean, reverent too;               
The Big Serpent, his pal                                    
Said, "Hugh! Who needs a gal?                               
Me have more fun in woods with-um you!"                     
                                                            
 3349 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Don Quixote, the dolorous knight,                           
Is unhorsed by a windmill at sight,                         
But is plucked from the ground                              
By Sancho the round,                                        
And vows to continue the fight!                             
                                                            
 3350 ART - PROSE                    Laurence Perrine    P8409



Don Quixote rode off on his cob                             
To rescue fair maidens and clob-                            
Ber vile windmills and sheep,                               
Left them dead in a heap,                                   
Then said, "Dulcie, how 'bout a sleeve job?"                
                                                            
 3351 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



There was a young person named Gray,                        
Who forever youthful did stay.                              
But up in the attic,                                        
Things weren't quite so static,                             
His picture grew older each day.                            
                                                            
 3352 ART - PROSE                    Richard Long             



Night's bible-black darkneess prevails                      
In a small seaside village in Wales;                        
Where the neighbors have dreams                             
That burst out at the seams,                                
To reveal some immodest details.                            
(Dylan Thomas, Under Milk Wood)                             
 3353 ART - PROSE                    V R Ormerod              



Tell the truth?  But my dear fellow, why?                   
Our readers expect us to lie.                               
Though I'm sad to report,                                   
When we end up in court,                                    
We do have to eat humble pie.                               
(Notes on some journalists)                                 
 3354 ART - PROSE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Her limp lover Maud coundn't pardon;                        
He was no use at all in the garden.                         
He drooped like the rose,                                   
When the sap in it goes.                                    
"'Ere Enoch," she cried, "Enoch, 'arden!"                   
                                                            
 3355 ART - PROSE                    Kit Wright               



Velma thought that her past unpleasin'                      
(And not I might add, without reason.)                      
So she married some schmo                                   
With both status and dough,                                 
And then shot her a moose out of season.                    
                                                            
 3356 ART - PROSE                    Michael Weinstein   P8409



Sign your name in the book; it's just ink.                  
It won't hurt you. Now, lets have a drink!                  
We'll build a new nation                                    
On this reservation.                                        
Fianna Fail. By the right -- double think!                  
                                                            
 3357 ART - PROSE                    Sidney Bernard Smith     



Pip is a friendly young guy                                 
Who gives an escapee meat pie.                              
Then he's off to the city --                                
A real snob (more's the pity).                              
Learns the truth; gets the girl, college try.               
                                                            
 3358 ART - PROSE                    Arthur Deex         P8409



There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,                           
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;                         
When the flames burnt his book,                             
To drinking he took,                                        
And ogling Marcus and Fluvius.                              
                                                            
 3359 ART - PROSE                    Edwardian Leer 024       



When Debretigny wanted her so                               
To come live with him in his chateau,                       
All that he had to say                                      
To the lady to sway                                         
Her to action was, "Manon, Lescaut!"                        
                                                            
 3360 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



I've a liking for some horror books,                        
With beheadings and murder and spooks;                      
Blood all a-splatter,                                       
And mixed with brain matter,                                
And people dismembered with hooks.                          
                                                            
 3361 ART - PROSE                    Jayne                    



I cannot read the horror stuff;                             
My nerves are just not up to snuff.                         
They make my flesh creep,                                   
Then I cannot sleep.                                        
OK, I'm a pink powderpuff.                                  
                                                            
 3362 ART - PROSE                    Marlene                  



Quasimodo was raised in the church;                         
He would swing on the bells, and he'd perch                 
With his favorite gargoyle,                                 
Who he'd feed boiling oil,                                  
Saving Gypsy maids left in the lurch.                       
                                                            
 3363 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Quasimodo was kind of a chump.                              
For fun, on the church-bells he'd jump,                     
Crying, "Oh, Esmeralda,                                     
You're my kind o' gal; Da-                                  
Rling, please let me give you a hump!"                      
                                                            
 3364 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



My Paradise Lost on a plane                                 
I know I shall never regain.                                
Friends published a silly ad                                
Deriding the Illiad;                                        
What they Odyssey's an Epoch of pain.                       
                                                            
 3365 ART - PROSE                    Laurence Perrine    P8509



Mrs. Henley observed that her mate                          
Always had her permission to state                          
And to let it be known                                      
That he all alone                                           
Was the master and lord of his fate.                        
                                                            
 3366 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



Jane and Rochester made a strange pair.                     
Edward kept his wife locked above stair,                    
Until that fateful night                                    
When E.R. lost his sight.                                   
How did she go wrong?  Where did Jane Eyre?                 
                                                            
 3367 ART - PROSE                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



The biggest name droppers are those                         
Whose autobiographies disclose                              
With whom they had dallied,                                 
Dismissed and/or tallied,                                   
And whether they had come to blows.                         
                                                            
 3368 ART - PROSE                    Irving Superior     P9507



The LADY AND THE TIGER tale.                                
Which door? Shall death or life prevail?                    
Which of the two?                                           
What I would do --                                          
I'd grab whichever by the tail.                             
                                                            
 3369 ART - PROSE                    Irving Superior     P8812



It was Niccolo Machiavelli                                  
Who invented the spermicide jelly.                          
He mixed caper and lox                                      
With the juice from his socks,                              
And lard from the neighborhood deli.                        
                                                            
 3370 ART - PROSE                    Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



Surely Emma's romantically yearning                         
For a lover with manners discerning,                        
Means a masculine bone                                      
Set achurn in her zone                                      
To get Bovary's ovaries burning.                            
                                                            
 3371 ART - PROSE                    Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



There was a maid, fair to the sight,                        
So stately, so pure and so White.                           
Being too good to live,                                     
Fate, Corelli -- tive,   [?]                                
Made her poison herself in the night.                       
(author of women's novels)                                  
 3372 ART - PROSE                    Langston Reed     (Bibby)



"Gregor won't," Mrs Samsa maintained                        
To the boss in a voice somewhat strained,                   
"Be coming today                                            
To work.  You might say                                     
He's in bed with a bug," she explained.                     
                                                            
 3373 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



Captain Ahab has sworn without fail                         
He will take his revenge on a whale.                        
There's a whale of a chase                                  
But the whale cops the race                                 
By a fluke and a flick of his tail.                         
                                                            
 3374 ART - PROSE                    Laurence Perrine    P8409



There once was a gob named Ishmael,                         
Who spoke of Ahab's lust for the whale.                     
He found that while flensing,                               
It's soulfully cleansing.                                   
It's the chase he prefers, not the tail.                    
                                                            
 3375 ART - PROSE                                             



My name is, let's just say -- Ishmael.                      
I was out of a job, and thought, "What the Hell."           
I shipped out on the Pequod                                 
To catch whales and seek God;                               
Well, at least, I've a whale of a tale to tell.             
                                                            
 3376 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



The one-legged sailor was quick                             
But his mind was distorted and sick.                        
With his crew he set sail                                   
In search of the whale                                      
But guess what he got: Moby Dick!                           
                                                            
 3377 ART - PROSE                    Neal Wilgus         P8409



When Ahab pursued Moby Dick                                 
He tried to be nimble and quick.                            
A slap of its tail                                          
Laid on by the whale                                        
Was more than a flick of your Bic.                          
                                                            
 3378 ART - PROSE                    R. J. Winkler       P8409



Said Moll Flanders, "It's no moral taint                    
To improve your complexion with paint.                      
For after you're old                                        
And your passions are cold,                                 
There'll be time to behave like a saint."                   
                                                            
 3379 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



When a moll who has moxie like Flanders'                    
Must resort to consorting with panderers,                   
With her doxy's ability                                     
Of inducing ductility,                                      
She's conducive to goosing by ganders.                      
                                                            
 3380 ART - PROSE                    Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



A novelist, flushed with success,                           
Said, "The world's in a horrible mess.                      
With its quarrels, it needs                                 
The new morals and creeds                                   
I shall shortly be sending to press."                       
                                                            
 3381 ART - PROSE                    Thomas Thorneley         



An author with a novel in mind,                             
A publisher was then hard to find.                          
As no-thank-you's collected,                                
He felt damn dejected;                                      
His hopes had just gone with the wind.                      
                                                            
 3382 ART - PROSE                    Arthur Pattaffy          



The story of Oliver Twist,                                  
In toto, is long but the gist:                              
A tale of a kid                                             
Who stole what he did                                       
For Fagan who'd always insist.                              
                                                            
 3383 ART - PROSE                    R. J. Winkler       P8409



The orphan boy, Oliver Twist,                               
The pitiless Fates made him grist                           
For the vile mills of crime;                                
He'd been rich all that time!                               
When he found that out, boy!, was he pissed!                
                                                            
 3384 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Nobody knows I'm a king.                                    
They think I'm just some old queer thing.                   
But I've found a rare bard                                  
In the very next yard                                       
Who's limned me -- as a cedar waxwing.                      
(limner - one who describes or paints a person)             
 3385 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



A device more ancient than recent                           
For cutting out something indecent,                         
Is to break off the story                                   
When it gets slightly whorey,                               
And mark the gap: [Cetera desunt.]                          
(cetera desunt. = ??)                                       
 3386 ART - PROSE                                        G2468



The Red Badge of courage by Crane,                          
I think for all time shall remain                           
The definitive study                                        
Of fear, of what's bloody,                                  
Of war and of death and of pain.                            
                                                            
 3387 ART - PROSE                    Tutta Gioia              



Poor Pamela's honour assailed,                              
And how in the end she prevailed.                           
Is the theme of that book,                                  
(Pure gobbledygook)                                         
For which Richardson should have been jailed.               
(published 1740)                                            
 3388 ART - PROSE                    Tutta Gioia              



Robinson Crusoe was smart                                   
To live so alone and apart.                                 
But the flaw in his plan                                    
Was that Friday's a man --                                  
Yes, that is the difficult part.                            
                                                            
 3389 ART - PROSE                    Neal Wilgus         P8409



When Robinson Crusoe discerned                              
A footprint he hollered, concerned,                         
"Hooray! This is my day!                                    
Thank God! It is Friday!                                    
Thus coining a slogan we've learned.                        
(slogan = TGIF)                                             
 3390 ART - PROSE                    R. J. Winkler       P8409



Just mainsails did Robinson's crew sew.                     
No evil did Robinson's crew sow.                            
No more did they                                            
Yet drowned that day.                                       
A shame to treat Robinson's crew so.                        
                                                            
 3391 ART - PROSE                    Irving Superior     P8409



Sometimes I see diamonds in snow --                         
They're mostly reflections, I know.                         
But this time I see one,                                    
Who's turned out to be one.                                 
He's polished, he sparkles, he glows.                       
(in reference to Sailing On...)                             
 3392 ART - PROSE                    Ericka                   



A preacher once rolled in the hay                           
With a lady whose spouse was away.                          
Said the townfolk, "We bet                                  
That she'll never forget,                                   
'Cause this is her RED LETTER DAY!"                         
                                                            
 3393 ART - PROSE                    Arthur Deex         P8409



Although Puritan Elders did say                             
Hester Prynne must be branded their way,                    
All those pilgrims so dour                                  
Weren't really so pure,                                     
If for sex they gave Hester an 'A'.                         
                                                            
 3394 ART - PROSE                    Warrick Elrod            



Hester Prynne was a pure as can be;                         
She'd say, "No hanky-panky for me!"                         
Till the reverend Dimme-                                    
Sdale said, "Oh, Babe, gimme                                
A feel of your 'A' -- and your 'T'!"                        
                                                            
 3395 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



If the sultry adultress Prynne                              
Waves a giant red A for her sin                             
(She's been guilty of arson                                 
In the groin of the parson),                                
Won't the bulls around Boston horn in?                      
                                                            
 3396 ART - PROSE                    Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



"Hester Prynne, who once caused quite a fuss,"              
Said a college professor named Russ,                        
"Although she wasn't sultry,                                
Got an A in adultry.                                        
Today she'd have got a C plus."                             
                                                            
 3397 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



A bookworm from York Harbor, Maine,   (Me.)                 
Found pleasure in reading Montagne.   (Monte.)              
He got little wallop                                        
From Miss Winsor's trollop                                  
And Finnegan's Wake caused him pain.  (pe.)                 
                                                            
 3398 ART - PROSE                    VOL 6                    



Brave Sidney Carlton's words shall ring;                    
Down through the ages men shall sing.                       
On TV now today                                             
Men interrupt to say,                                       
"It is a far, far better thing."                            
                                                            
 3399 ART - PROSE                    Irving Superior     P8702



A pure woman has a harsh fate:                              
She is found by the right man too late;                     
Having first borne a bastard,                               
She murders the dastard,                                    
And is hanged (quite unjustly) at eight.                    
                                                            
 3400 ART - PROSE                    Laurence Perrine    P8409



On the theory that lechery's bad,                           
Her comes Lambert to fetch little Chad.                     
So unseemly and Gallic                                      
Are his dreams ithyphallic,                                 
We suspect that his laddie's been had.                      
(ithyphallic - tumid penis, hardon, Bacchus party)          
 3401 ART - PROSE                    Thomas A Quinine    P8409



Young Brunhilde, a nettlesome snatch,                       
Meets in Siegfried her mettlesome match.                    
Her crepuscular session                                     
With our muscular Hessian                                   
Breeds brouhahas and brawls by the batch.                   
                                                            
 3402 ART - PROSE                    Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



There once was a charming young twin(s)                     
With an angelic, lovable grin(s)                            
For kinfolk and friend --                                   
But by the tale's end,                                      
He (they) had done every one of them in.                    
                                                            
 3403 ART - PROSE                    Arthur Deex         P8409



A scientist, slim, trim, and lean,                          
Made his rivals with envy turn green.                       
A nice enough feller,                                       
But down in his celler                                      
He'd come up with a hot time machine.                       
                                                            
 3404 ART - PROSE                    Neal Wilgus         P8409



Am I an idiot, moron, or jerk,                              
'Cause I don't know a thing about this work.                
Please give me bibliography                                 
On enclosed dry xerography,                                 
And clear up my long standing irk.                          
(Asking about the book "The Rhyme of All Flesh")            
 3405 ART - PROSE                    C. J. Scheiner      P9102



Tom Jones with the ladies made hay                          
Until that unfortunate day                                  
He fell in with the schemes                                 
Of the girl of his dreams.                                  
Since then he's had nothing to say.                         
                                                            
 3406 ART - PROSE                    Laurence Perrine    P8409



A lover of young pulchritude,                               
Tom Jones had so many maids wooed,                          
That the rollicking boy                                     
Made of sex a pure joy,                                     
Often naughty, but never once lewd.                         
                                                            
 3407 ART - PROSE                    Warrick Elrod            



The governess thought that a spectre                        
Was afoot in the house; no protector                        
For Miles! No more spir-                                    
It was cause for this fear --                               
'Twas from drinking bad apricot nectar.                     
                                                            
 3408 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Though the governess wasn't a prude,                        
She finally started to brood                                
Over ghosts and their wiles                                 
In corrupting young Miles                                   
Till she found she was coming unscrewed.                    
                                                            
 3409 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



What accounts for the popular sale                          
Of this silly Melvillean tale                               
Is, the hero is seethin'                                    
For a heat with a heathen;                                  
So the sperm in the story ain't whale.                      
                                                            
 3410 ART - PROSE                    Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



Though the night it was drizzly and sleety,                 
I approached, despite Psyche's entreaty,                    
The vault, which I assume                                   
Holds my lost Ulalume.                                      
I couldn't tell for the graffiti.                           
                                                            
 3411 ART - PROSE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8409



A lady who signs herself 'Vexed'                            
Writes to say she believes she's been hexed.                
"I don't mind my shins                                      
Being stuck full of pins,                                   
But I fear I am coming unsexed."                            
(better than coming unglued - McW)                          
 3412 ART - PROSE                    Edward Gorey             



The feminine mouth in Utopia,                               
Would rival a Greek cornucopiea,                            
Which is Nature's wise plan                                 
Since Utopian man                                           
Is a martyr to chronic myopia.                              
                                                            
 3413 ART - PROSE                    W.F.N. Watson            



An author read out his short story;                         
The subject was gruesome and gory.                          
The audience weeping;                                       
Doorwards they were creeping.                               
They'd come to hear tales of amore!                         
                                                            
 3414 ART - PROSE                    Arthur Pattaffy          



Pierre's love for Natasha goes queer;                       
Then Prince Andrei dies right about here.                   
Next, all Moscow burns down,                                
Pierre finally comes 'round,                                
And Napoleon brings up the rear.                            
                                                            
 3415 ART - PROSE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8411



War and Peace -- now what could be finer?                   
Composed by an epic designer                                
With too large a cast                                       
In a setting too vast                                       
To be summed up in any five-liner!                          
                                                            
 3416 ART - PROSE                    Laurence Perrine    P8409



There was a young man of Cape Race,                         
Whose mind was an utter disgrace.                           
He thought Marie Corelli                                    
Lived long before Shelley.                                  
And that Wells was the name of a place.                     
                                                            
 3417 ART - PROSE                    Anon                     



A strong silent man on a ranch                              
Thrashed a beautiful girl with a branch.                    
Cried she, "You are hellish!                                
But deliciously Dellish,                                    
So take my affection, carte blanche!"                       
(Ethel M. Dell, women's novelist)                           
 3418 ART - PROSE                    Langston Reed     (Bibby)



In hotel rooms I don't wear clothes;                        
At propriety, I thumb my nose.                              
It was not much fun,                                        
'Cause I tell ya, hon' --                                   
The worst thing I did was write prose!                      
                                                            
 3419 ART - PROSE                                             



Said a man to a poet named Porter,                          
"Your book would be better if shorter,                      
But assuming it were,                                       
At a buck I'd demur,                                        
And I might even balk at a quarter."                        
                                                            
 3420 ART - PROSE                    Joseph S Newman          



There was a young writer named Pearl,                       
Whose words made her manuscripts curl.                      
Her real name she's concealing,                             
Not to hurt mother's feeling;                               
She's not knowing she's that sort of girl.                  
                                                            
 3421 ART - PROSE                    Arthur Pattaffy          



Cathy's Heathcliff survived endless plights,                
Cold rejection and black sleepless nights.                  
After he had matured,                                       
Still one panic endured;                                    
He was terrified of "Wuthering Heights."                    
                                                            
 3422 ART - PROSE                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



Miss A. Christie, although incisive,                        
To the last remained somewhat devisive.                     
She chose not to give thanks                                
For book sales to Yanks,                                    
Being toward them instead, quite derisive.                  
                                                            
 3423 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9605



The bugs that live way out in space                         
Endangered the whole human race.                            
We gave them a name:                                        
The Andromeda Strain;                                       
And put them back in their place.                           
                                                            
 3424 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Arthur Deex         P8409



T Wolfe said that one thing we can't do                     
Is to go home again and that's true.                        
Such news I suppose                                         
Might make some lachrymose,                                 
But in some instances, who would want to?                   
                                                            
 3425 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



Yossarian, nude in the tree,                                
Proclaimed, "No more missions for me!"                      
But that Catch-22                                           
Gave his plans a good screw;                                
Only apple-cheeked Orr could get free.                      
                                                            
 3426 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Robin K. Willoughby P8409



As an ump, I can sure certify,                              
But I'll never understand why                               
The ball got away                                           
And ended the play,                                         
When the catcher got lost in the rye.                       
                                                            
 3427 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Al Willis           P9511



The crime writer pondered in bed;                           
Which character next to be dead?                            
While plot lines are brewing,                               
His pencil he's chewing,                                    
And filling himself full of lead.                           
                                                            
 3428 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Tiddy Ogg                



In truth, though, the crime writer's lot                    
Is to hone his nefarious plot.                              
Should the victem be strangled,                             
Be poisoned or mangled                                      
Or stabbed in the back or be shot?                          
                                                            
 3429 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Peter Wilkins            



If poisoned, by whom and with what?                         
And if stabbed, which particular spot?                      
Or if shot, was it angled?                                  
If mangled, how mangled?                                    
Or maybe if strangled, what knot?                           
                                                            
 3430 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Peter Wilkins            



"The old 'Daily Worker'", claims Fred                       
"In London is virtually dead                                
And is going to fold                                        
Though its friends are consoled                             
Since it's hopelessly now in the red."                      
                                                            
 3431 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        A. N. Wilkins       P8403



Amongst all the topical things,                             
I could write about butterfly wings.                        
There's Newton's third law,                                 
Astrophysics for sure,                                      
Or the history of princes and kingzzzzz-zzzz.               
                                                            
 3432 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl from back East                       
Possessed by a most evil beast.                             
She'd puke and she'd swear                                  
And float in midair,                                        
But the devil was after the priest.                         
                                                            
 3433 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Martin Wellborn     P8409



In Finnegan's Wake may appear                               
A sentence or two that are clear.                           
By no reason or rhyme                                       
Should one take all the time,                               
To find one such sentence a year.                           
                                                            
 3434 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Warrick Elrod            



Gertrude Stein in repetitive prose                          
Said a rose is a rose is a rose.                            
She dazed literati                                          
And amazed the arty                                         
By saying what everyone knows.                              
                                                            
 3435 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Warrick Elrod            



Poor Siothorp, conditioned with im-                         
Aplox-g, had a rough time;                                  
His hard-ons, unerring,                                     
Proved a PISCES red herring,                                
Since V-2's have no reason or rhyme.                        
                                                            
 3436 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Robin K. Willoughby P8409



A stranger comes home from the war                          
And buys a big house by the shore.                          
It becomes a real thriller                                  
When he humps Daisy Miller --                               
If he'd only known what was in store!                       
                                                            
 3437 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Martin Wellborn     P8409



I'm reading that old Potter, Harry,                         
And don't find the thing a bit scary.                       
But it robbed me a night's                                  
Or two sleep, though not frights                            
Kept me awake; so interesting, very.                        
                                                            
 3438 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT                                 



The townspeople, out for a lark,                            
Pretend they don't know there's a shark.                    
There's a hell of a fight                                   
With a king-sized great white,                              
Whose bite is much worse that its bark.                     
                                                            
 3439 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Arthur Deex         P8409



Once Lolita provoked a sensation                            
In diversified parts of the nation                          
By recounting the tale                                      
Of a juvenile frail                                         
And a male not of her generation.                           
                                                            
 3440 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        R. J. Winkler       P8409



Sweet Lolita, a nymphet in heat,                            
Caused old Humbert to act indiscreet;                       
She ran off with some guy                                   
Leaving Humbert to cry                                      
And beat his meat off on the sheet.                         
                                                            
 3441 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Humbert wed Mrs. Haze although not                          
Much in love.  But the first chance he got,                 
He whipped out his peter                                    
And diddled Lolita.                                         
So did Quitly. That's why he got shot.                      
                                                            
 3442 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Michael Weinstein   P8409



Watching an old black and white                             
Film based on Bill Golding.  No trite-                      
ness found in the ploys                                     
About shipwrecked boys.                                     
The Lord of the Flies has a bite!                           
                                                            
 3443 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Archie                   



The hero, a small furry thing,                              
On his quest for a magical ring,                            
Joined the forces of Right                                  
To put Evil to flight.                                      
Side effect: The Return of the King.                        
                                                            
 3444 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Arthur Deex         P8409



O'Brian has written his last.                               
On HALYARD attached to main mast,                           
We'll fly ensign sad                                        
For man who has had                                         
Respect from a readership vast.                             
(author of naval novels)                                    
 3445 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Chris Papa               



Though I've more than one lady that's pleading,             
I'm unsure the advice I'll be heeding;                      
But I've got a quick Q.                                     
That I'm making to you -                                    
Just why seventeen were you reading?                        
                                                            
 3446 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT                                 



You know those books labeled "romance"?                     
They're more like "who's-in-whose-pants"                    
My sis gave me one                                          
By a Susan Johnson;                                         
Parts made my nerves skitter and dance!                     
                                                            
 3447 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Give me Liberty, or else give me                            
(We used to joke) the S.E.P.                                
Both mags have long gone                                    
Replaced by mags with porn.                                 
The law allows this liberty.                                
(S.E.P. - Saturday Evening Post)                            
 3448 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Irving Superior     P9004



I just dined with a writer of note                          
And we ordered "Spuds Terkel" unquote.                      
We talked about Nietzsche:                                  
The last course was peachy;                                 
For dessert, we had Truman Compote.                         
                                                            
 3449 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Al Willis           P9604



With luck you could call downright shitty,                  
David Kepesh turned into a titty.                           
He was very depressed                                       
With his life as a breast --                                
He thought being a tit was pit city.                        
                                                            
 3450 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Michael Weinstein   P8409



A cocky young robber named Ross                             
Offended a Mafia boss.                                      
'Twas trouble indeed,                                       
For the head of a steed                                     
On his four poster bed lay across.                          
                                                            
 3451 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Anon                     



Most lawyers knew it was wrong                              
To stop the presses for The Wind Done Gone.                 
All writers are free                                        
To pen parodies,                                            
And put Scarlett down where she belongs.                    
                                                            
 3452 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Dr Limerick  05-25-01    



All over Dublin Mr. Bloom sped                              
To eat, work, and bury the dead;                            
Forty miles I would say.                                    
While his wife on that day                                  
Did about the same distance in bed.                         
                                                            
 3453 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Michael Weinstein   P8409



Would I do it? I first made him guess.                      
Now -- pissiiimo -- La! Here's a mess!                      
Then succumbing, I drew 'im                                 
To my breasts all perfu'em                                  
And yes I said yes I will Yes.                              
                                                            
 3454 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Leopold Bloom walked the Liffeyside,                        
And in neighborhoods quite on the iffy side;                
Cried Molly, "By Jazus!                                     
I'm goin' to Blazes,                                        
Astride, and espied from my quiffy side!"                   
                                                            
 3455 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Robin K. Willoughby P8409



There once was a Jewish Ulysses                             
Who worried a lot 'bout his misses.                         
His conscious would stream                                  
Till he wanted to scream --                                 
But it only hurts when he pisses.                           
                                                            
 3456 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Neal Wilgus         P8409



Wisha, Leo's delectable Molly                               
Leads a life insufficiently jolly,                          
For his prick's ineffectual                                 
And his Mick's intellectual                                 
And her own sexuality's poly-.                              
                                                            
 3457 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



A textbook looked new and forlorn;                          
Ulysses was tattered and torn.                              
The first one was dead,                                     
The second was read,                                        
By many who looked for the porn.                            
                                                            
 3458 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        R J Winkler         P8409



Daddy Garp was a wee bombardier;                            
Garp the son, growing up, knew no fear;                     
But a knob from a gearshift                                 
Gave his fate a most queer shift,                           
Thus, enhancing his writing career.                         
                                                            
 3459 ART - PROSE - 20TH CENT        Robin K. Willoughby P8409



A Greek chap called Aristophanes                            
Said, "Writing can be oh so tough on knes...                
'Cause I'm always praying                                   
My muse won't be straying;                                  
Without her I'd just scrawl cacophanies.                    
                                                            
 3460 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Tutta Gioia              



Two playwrights named Beaumont and Fletcher,                
Sent a coach to a strumpet to fetch her.                    
For they lived as they wrote,                               
Sometimes sharing a coat,                                   
And always both sharing a lecher.                           
                                                            
 3461 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Fiona Pitt-Kethley       



From Boccaccio: "Father, you'll faint                       
When you hear I'm not good like you paint.                  
One dark day as a lad,                                      
I called Mother things bad."                                
"Such a sensitive soul is a saint."                         
                                                            
 3462 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          David Finely        P9609



There was an old man of Manchuria                           
Who suffered from painful dysuria.                          
It was not (yes, you thought it)                            
From a girl that he caught it,                              
But from trying to read Browning's Luria.                   
(dysuria - painful urination?)                              
 3463 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                              G1934



Oh what sad, devastating bad news:                          
She is gone now, the old lady whose                         
Dear books made my child-                                   
Hood a place full of wild                                   
Dreams; so I'll sing the "Bullerb-blues."                   
                                                            
 3464 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                                   



Sir Charles, a pompous old Briton,                          
Was friends with Sir Ed Bulwer-Litton.                      
Chuck gave him some light                                   
On a dark, stormy night,                                    
Now the worst lines of all can be written.                  
                                                            
 3465 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Jim Weaver Collection    



A hot roast often ends as a dud,                            
And it tastes like a goulash of crud.                       
In chef's cap or capote,                                    
For a great table d'hote,                                   
The gourmet serves pressed duck In Cold Blood.              
                                                            
 3466 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                                   



Mr. Rochester's wife's pyromania                            
Made him hanker for soneone unzanier.                       
"No, no!" said the parson,                                  
But after more arson,                                       
A little voice whispered "It's Jane here!"                  
                                                            
 3467 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Gina Berkeley            



Charlotte Bronte said, "Wow, sister! What a man!            
He laid me face down on the ottoman.                        
Now don't you and Emily                                     
Go telling the family,                                      
But he smacked me upon my bare bottom, Anne!"               
                                                            
 3468 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Victor Gray              



The prude called Christina Rosetti,                         
Got mad when a a bloke saw her petti-                       
Coat, got in a paddy,                                       
Attacking the laddie.                                       
Castrating the man by machete.                              
                                                            
 3469 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Tiddy Ogg                



Now Coleridge, Masefield and Keats,                         
Would often get gals 'twixt the sheets.                     
But Wordsorth got laughs                                    
By sticking fresh daffs                                     
Up his ass, while he sucked Dotty's teats.                  
                                                            
 3470 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young writer named Lawrence,                    
Poured stories of sex out in torrents.                      
If he'd survived T.B.,                                      
He'd write soaps for T.V.                                   
Much to his viewers abhorrence.                             
                                                            
 3471 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Zig Kosicki              



There was a young lady of Florence,                         
Who could not abide D. H. Lawrence.                         
When invited by Frieda,                                     
To follow the leader,                                       
She expressed what is best called abhorrence.               
                                                            
 3472 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          John Ciardi              



A filthy young fellow called Lawrence,                      
Poured out torrid titles in torrents,                       
Offending the spouses                                       
Of well-to-do houses,                                       
Whilst their servants were filled with abhorrence.          
                                                            
 3473 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Bill Greenwell           



Said Marlowe, "Bay City's a drag                            
And no place to go for a jag.                               
When I find a nice dame                                     
Who remembers my name,                                      
There's always a rod in her bag."                           
                                                            
 3474 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Peter Alexander          



Dostoyevsky, the master supreme                             
Of the psych; redemption his theme.                         
In the "Furnace of doubt,"                                  
Faith comes about...                                        
And not with a sigh, but a scream...                        
                                                            
 3475 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Tutta Gioia              



Night's bible-black darkness prevails                       
In a small seaside village in Wales;                        
Where the neighbors have dreams                             
That burst out of the seams,                                
To reveal some immodest details.                            
(on Dylan Thomas' Under Mill Wood)                          
 3476 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          W. R. Ormerod            



On a bleak, wild, wet day by the sea,                       
E.A. Poe once confided in me,                               
While he couldn't ignore                                    
His dear long "Lost Lenore",                                
He missed more his short "Annabel Lee."                     
                                                            
 3477 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



Once a raven from Pluto's dark shore                        
Brought the singular news, "Nevermore."                     
'Twas of useless avail                                      
To ask further detail,                                      
His reply was the same as before.                           
                                                            
 3478 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Anthony Ewer             



Of Burroughs, it's safe to assume                           
He wished that Freud lay in a tomb.                         
But Innes's ride                                            
To the Earth's inner side:                                  
What is that but Return to the Womb?                        
                                                            
 3479 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                              G2571



"F. Marion Crawford's the man                               
(Henry James was a poor also-ran)"                          
Says Juan Carlos Moran                                      
As the number one fan,                                      
Who for Crawford does all that he can.                      
                                                            
 3480 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Steve Eng           P8211



Scott Fitzgerald's remains here lie hid,                    
Along with his ego and id,                                  
And let us all pray                                         
That this mortal clay                                       
Sleeps as sound as his readers once did.                    
                                                            
 3481 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          A. N. Wilkins       P8702



Said a famous old writer called Fender,                     
"You may think that my conscience is tender,                
You my think that my heart                                  
Is my most sensitive part,                                  
But you should see my poor old pudenda."                    
                                                            
 3482 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Victor Gray              



Flaubert was not like Hamlet he                             
Decided right away "to B"                                   
For not "to B" would mean                                   
They'd think it was obscene --                              
A book called Madame Ovary.                                 
                                                            
 3483 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Irving Superior     P8401



Although it is truly my niche,                              
This writing ain't making me rich;                          
And the guy who makes dough                                 
From his writing, you know,                                 
Is a fortunate son of a bitch!                              
                                                            
 3484 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Cap'n Bean               



There was a young lady of Paris,                            
Whom nothing could ever embarrass,                          
Until one fine day,                                         
In a sidewalk cafe,                                         
She abruptly ran into Frank Harris.                         
                                                            
 3485 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                              L1627



There was a young man of Newcastle,                         
Who thought of himself as a parcel,                         
Which he'd tied with red tape,                              
And addressed, for a jape,                                  
To: 'What Hope? c/o Kafka, The Castle'                      
                                                            
 3486 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Terence Melican          



A boatload of emigranmt Huns,                               
Including five death-destined nuns,                         
Came to grief on a shoal,                                   
But since Heaven's our goal,                                
The dead were the fortunate ones.                           
(The Wreck of the Deutschland)                              
 3487 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          David Annett             



A master of English, George Moore,                          
Had a style that was polished and pure,                     
But he mocked at Will Yeats,                                
And other literary greats,                                  
'Til they called him the son of a whore.                    
                                                            
 3488 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Oliver Gogarty      P8508



An eccentric old maid from Alberta                          
Developed a passion for Goethe,                             
Ploughing all the way through                               
Faust parts one and two                                     
And sorrowing now with young Werta.                         
                                                            
 3489 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Hugh Oliver           89a



The prime of Miss Muriel Spark,                             
Was in Brighton, on night in the dark.                      
She met Graham Greene;                                      
They did something obscene;                                 
And next year, they're going to Sark.                       
                                                            
 3490 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Bill Wall                



In Pinter's new play that's now running,                    
Our Harold's lost none of his cunning.                      
Throughout the three acts,                                  
We hear just four facts,                                    
But the pauses between are quite stunning.                  
                                                            
 3491 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Frank Richards           



Small Eliza was ill and she showed it.                      
Had the lake not been frozen, she'd rowed it.               
Since, alas, we've lost track                               
Of Tom's Cabin, alack,                                      
Where might Harriet Beecher have Stowed it?                 
                                                            
 3492 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9502



Although Hemingway talked a good line,                      
His biographers mostly opine                                
That with all his pride,                                    
He'd have been satisfied                                    
To be virile as friend Gertrude Stein.                      
                                                            
 3493 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          A. N. Wilkins       P9309



How subtle was old Henry James,                             
Playing tricks with his narrative games.                    
Since his characters hid                                    
All the things that they did,                               
The smoke never broke into flames.                          
                                                            
 3494 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Warrick Elrod            



Said the doc to J. Fenimore Cooper,                         
"Son, there's something gone wrong with your pooper.        
The Indians, I fear,                                        
Have attacked from the rear,                                
While you lay in inebriate stupor."                         
                                                            
 3495 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                              G0948



There once was a writer named James,                        
Whose ways with Bostonian dames,                            
Was to take them from home,                                 
To Paris or Rome,                                           
For dubious linguistical games.                             
                                                            
 3496 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          R. K. R. Thornton        



There was a young fellow called Joyce                       
Who possesseth a sweet tenor voice.                         
He goes to the Kips                                         
With a psalm on his lips                                    
And biddeth the harlots rejoice.                            
                                                            
 3497 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Oliver Gogarty      P8508



While Dubliner Leopold Bloom                                
Sought solace from thoughts of the tomb                     
In Daedalic mazes,                                          
His moll went to blazes                                     
And dreamed a great yes in her room.                        
(Apologies to James Joyce's Ulysses)                        
 3498 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Gerald Benson            



Said a girl in green Mansfield Park,                        
"Our Jane is away! What a lark!                             
Unlike with Miss Austen,                                    
We'll have beaux accostin'                                  
And more, if they're up to the mark."                       
                                                            
 3499 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          E O Parrot               



To bring your young life to fruition,                       
You must follow your heart's intuition                      
And your mind's intellection.                               
You must share your affection                               
With a man who can pay the musician.                        
(He who dances must pay the piper)                          
 3500 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Laurence Perrine    P8409



A fine story for children was writ;                         
It was "Biblical Tales," a big hit.                         
There were deeds of great wonder,                           
How the seas spread asunder,                                
And the author was John Shockacrit.                         
                                                            
 3501 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Albin Chaplin       P0105



There was a young author named Pool                         
Who was writing a novel on sool.  (Korean liquor)           
When his typewriter broke                                   
He doubled his stroke,                                      
And finished it off in hanggool.  (Korean script)           
                                                            
 3502 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          James Wade          P8303



There was a professor who led                               
The deuce of a life in a shed.                              
Miss Knapp and Miss Hall                                    
Now represent all                                           
His live ballast which isn't quite dead.                    
                                                            
 3503 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Rudyard Kipling1899 P8903



Louisa May Alcott did write                                 
Of pioneer virtue's delight.                                
But if she could see                                        
What we've turned out to be,                                
Her language might be impolite.                             
                                                            
 3504 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Timothy Torkildson       



There once was a Celtic librarian                           
Whose essays were voted Spencerian,                         
His name was Magee,                                         
But it seems that to me                                     
He's a flavour that's more Presbyterian.                    
                                                            
 3505 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          James Joyce         P9008



When traveling to New York one day,                         
I met a sad man on the way.                                 
I asked him, "What's wrong?"                                
He said, "Story's too long,                                 
But it's making a fortune on Broadway!"                     
                                                            
 3506 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          His Peace                



The Marquis de Sade and Genet                               
Are most highly thought of today.                           
But torture and treachery                                   
Are not my sort of lechery,                                 
So I've given my copies away.                               
                                                            
 3507 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          W. H. Auden         G2348



In bed, the Romantics were vile --                          
Lord Byron apart, Shelly's style                            
Was to lick his wife's belly                                
While poor Mary Shelly                                      
Wrote Frankenstein grimly meanwhile.                        
                                                            
 3508 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                              G0803



When Mildred Wirt Benson began,                             
A detective was a boy or a man.                             
She and Nancy Drew                                          
Showed that girls were sleuths too,                         
And for four generations, still can.                        
                                                            
 3509 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Dr Limerick  05-30-02    



Here's a thought which through my head has raced            
And I doubt they can ever be traced.                        
Though I've searched all around                             
They're still lost, can't be found--                        
Modifiers which I have displaced.                           
                                                            
 3510 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9402



From the title page his name was deleted,                   
And his usual composure defeated;                           
He raged, "What a trick!                                    
Phil Bishop's a prick!"                                     
A phrase he twelve times repeated.                          
                                                            
 3511 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Dick Fredleman           



A budding young playwright named Coward,                    
Came into the twenties and flowered.                        
He continued to sparkle                                     
Until the debacle;                                          
Now the fruit is a teeny bit soured.                        
                                                            
 3512 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Doris Pulsford           



Choosing surnames once followed a code.                     
Colors, trades, place-names were in great vogue.            
While it is in part fiction,                                
P.G.'s predilection                                         
Was a house by the side of the wode.                        
( P G Wodehouse)                                            
 3513 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



There once was a lounger named Stephen                      
Whose youth was most odd and uneven.                        
He throve on the smell                                      
Of a horrible hell                                          
That a Hottentot wouldn't believe in.                       
(Portait of the Artist as a Young Man)                      
 3514 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          James Joyce         P9007



Few writers are dazzling as Proust,                         
And few who so many girls goosed.                           
Having women on hand                                        
Stopped his prose being bland,                              
For it helped him to find the mot juste!                    
                                                            
 3515 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Lucy                     



There once was a fellow named Hyde,                         
Whose twin self he couldn't abide.                          
But Jekyll, the Devil,                                      
Dragged Hyde to his level,                                  
"Inside job", cried Hyde, as he died.                       
                                                            
 3516 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          E. J. Jackson            



A tiny young bookworm whose fare                            
Had been volumes of Pope and Jane Eyre.                     
Was treated one day                                         
To a rare Rabelais,                                         
And crawled off with damp underwear.                        
                                                            
 3517 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Rebecca West thought little of men;                         
Any woman was worth at least ten.                           
She was sure one could prove                                
Their one use was to move                                   
A piano around now and then.                                
                                                            
 3518 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Warrick Elrod            



Stevenson's health was so poor,                             
To Samoa he sailed for a cure.                              
There, beloved as a chief                                   
For five years, all too brief,                              
He died there at age forty-four.                            
                                                            
 3519 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Tutta Gioia              



A writer by name Rudyard Kipling,                           
Wrote poems when only a stripling.                          
He wrote Gunga Din                                          
And drank lots of gin,                                      
So was equally famed for his tippling.                      
                                                            
 3520 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Vincent Torre       P0207



A wily old writer named Maugham,                            
Was seldom, if ever, off form.                              
His works were incisive,                                    
And often derisive,                                         
But really his heart was quite warm.                        
                                                            
 3521 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Martin Fagg              



How Socratic was Somerset Maugham!                          
What is virtue to him but a norm?                           
So the best propaedeutic  (preparatory study, introduction) 
Is a process maieutic,    (socratic method of questions)    
And all evil is merely bad form.                            
                                                            
 3522 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          R. B. S. Instone         



A fellow from far Erewhon,                                  
With girl students, did well, as a don.                     
"For an alpha", he said,                                    
"A romp on the bed                                          
Was almost a sine qua non."                                 
                                                            
 3523 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          W. F. N. Watson          



The man who I call Dr. A.                                   
Is past master at love and at play.                         
At hugging and kissing --                                   
(The remainder is missing                                   
For I won't give my screts away.)                           
                                                            
 3524 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Isaac Asimov             



A menial maid in Jakarta                                    
Is getting progressively smarter.                           
She is studying Shaw                                        
Transferred in her bra,                                     
And a Bartlett's conveyed in her garter.                    
                                                            
 3525 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                                   



To Italy went Sinclair Lewis,                               
Documenting the life led by loose                           
American drunks,                                            
But he unpacked his trunks,                                 
'Cause Florence slipped him a goose.                        
                                                            
 3526 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                              L1608



A writer whose name was Steinbeck                           
Wrote of the noble redneck.                                 
Also of mice                                                
And fish once or twice...                                   
Or Hemingway did -- I'll go check.                          
                                                            
 3527 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Timothy Torkildson       



An ingenious person called Crockett                         
Ascended to fame like a rocket.                             
His Minister (Stickit)                                      
Was such a good trick, it                                   
Expanded the publisher's pocket.                            
(Crockett - Scottish novelist)                              
 3528 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Punch 1902, Vol 122, p230



A prolific young writer of prose                            
Could write elegant verse when he chose.                    
But he went quite insane                                    
When the Public Domain                                      
Stole his writing from under his nose!                      
                                                            
 3529 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Don Mulford              



There once was the Deuce of a Peke                          
Whose 'emprise morale' was unique.                          
It wasn't his size                                          
Made men open their eyes                                    
But his Super-Celestial cheek!                              
                                                            
 3530 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Rudyard Kipling1933 P8903



April.  Bad month.  Visit spa.                              
Play chess.  Meet too fecund Mamma.                         
Look on undismayed                                          
While typist gets laid.                                     
Jug Jug.  Da.  Damyata.  Ta ta.                             
(On The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot)                          
 3531 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Stanely J. Sharpless     



An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,                              
Saw sartorial changes ahead.                                
His mind kept on ringing                                    
With fishy girls singing.                                   
Soft fruit also filled him with dread.                      
(On the 'Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock' by T. S. Eliot)    
 3532 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          J. Walker                



In dealing with time it is found                            
That the future and past move around.                       
So the present is cast                                      
In the future and past.                                     
It seems we are breaking new ground.                        
(Burnt Norton by T. S. Eliot)                               
 3533 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          V. R. Omerod             



When I sit in the churchyard at Stoke,                      
I reflect - Class is merely a joke.                         
Elsewhere I can pass                                        
As good upper class,                                        
But here I'm just one of the folk.                          
(on Eligy In A Country Churchyard by Thomas Gray)           
 3534 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          A. M. Sayers.            



In a book that I know, I hate Tess,                         
Who is not found in Porgy and Bess.                         
The Lord of the Rings                                       
Is a much better thing,                                     
'Cause I think Thomas Hardy's a mess.                       
                                                            
 3535 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Have you heard of Tolstoi's lovely niece,                   
A delectable morsel named Lys?                              
Need I say more?                                            
She was the War,                                            
And Tolstoi was the one got the Piece.                      
                                                            
 3536 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                                   



Turgenev, Ivan then Sergeyevich                             
Never quite found his one little niche.                     
Love unrequited,                                            
His homeland benighted...                                   
But he did leave some tales that enrich.                    
                                                            
 3537 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Tutta Gioia              



The man who wrote Vanity Fair                               
Had a young life in sad disrepair.                          
His inheritance lost,                                       
His paintings a frost,                                      
And a wife who went mad...so unfair!                        
                                                            
 3538 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          TuttaGioia               



A Civil War nurse, by name Walt,                            
Said, "It really isn't my fault.                            
In wartime, it's clear,                                     
Those we stick in the rear,                                 
Are the sick, and the lame, and the halt."                  
                                                            
 3539 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                                   



William Bailey, an author from Nome,                        
Wrote a book that has critics afoam.                        
Its content embraces                                        
Society's graces --                                         
Judged as naught but a fine couth tome.                     
                                                            
 3540 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          Bob Giandomenico    P9409



A student of history, by name Bale,                         
Married a romance writer named Gail.                        
Of children they'd none,                                    
Neither daughter nor son,                                   
But produced quite a nice fairy tale.                       
                                                            
 3541 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS                                   



"Political women", thought Yeats,                           
"Have come to the top of my hates."                         
His views rested on                                         
His love for Maud Gonne,                                    
Who wouldn't go out on his dates.                           
                                                            
 3542 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS          R K R Thorton            



Said Old Nick, "Mr. Lewis and me                            
Is the best pals that ever was, see?                        
We both has our loyalties,                                  
We both share the royalties.                                
I've a very warm corner for he!"                            
                                                            
 3543 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     M. Cassel                



Mr. Wells of the big cerebellum                             
Used mountains of paper or vellum.                          
When his temper gets bad                                    
And we ask "Why get mad?"                                   
He replies "They won't do as I tell 'em."                   
                                                            
 3544 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Punch 1925 (Bibby)       



There once was a man named Lovecraft                        
Whose life was incredibly daft.                             
He knew every hex                                           
But knew little of sex -                                    
Did he know his poor fore from his aft?                     
                                                            
 3545 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Neal Wilgus         P8205



A cockney whose name was I. Asimov,                         
Decided one day 'is pants to doff.                          
'E said, "The girls yawn                                    
When I 'as 'em on,                                          
But they whistle when I 'Asimov.                            
                                                            
 3546 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Jim Weaver Collection    



About Isaac Asimov, I mention                               
An idea that leads to contention.                           
Is he really dead                                           
Or has he gone ahead                                        
On into another dimension?                                  
                                                            
 3547 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Tom Patton          P9806



If I could be King for a day,                               
I'd pick something more sweet to portray.                   
There'd be bunnies and fawns                                
Who frolic on lawns,                                        
While ghouls use their heads for croquet.                   
                                                            
 3548 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Larry Hollister          



There once was a King from Maine                            
Who wished to trade money for pain.                         
So he wrote down words                                      
That tug at the nerves                                      
And stories to drive you insane.                            
                                                            
 3549 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Ian Foster               



My favorite thriller, by far,                               
Is "Christine", which was way above par.                    
Was this car re-possessed?                                  
King, who wrote this blood-fest,                            
Should have called it "My Murder, da Car".                  
                                                            
 3550 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Larry Hollister          



A writer of horror, Steven King,                            
Would go on a rampage each spring.                          
He'd chase after a demon                                    
Until it was screamin'                                      
And then he's make love to the Thing.                       
                                                            
 3551 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Neal Wilgus         P8205



Stephen King's novel, "The Shining",                        
Is a marvel of story designing.                             
Never once in this book                                     
Does the man overlook                                       
All the threads of his plot intertwining.                   
                                                            
 3552 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Larry Hollister          



King's latest flick is a winner;                            
There's this fat guy who keeps getting thinner.             
Even though it's a curse,                                   
And it keeps getting worse,                                 
He can eat Captain Crunch now for dinner.                   
                                                            
 3553 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Larry Hollister          



He'll scare you right out of your wits                      
With Creepshow and Carrie and Its.                          
But the really great thing                                  
'Bout a novel by King,                                      
Is how upright each strand of hair sits!                    
                                                            
 3554 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Larry Hollister          



Steven King is lying below;                                 
His heart rate has dropped beyond slow.                     
We're sure that he's dead,                                  
But watch where you tread...                                
With this guy, you just never know.                         
                                                            
 3555 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Frank Fazed              



Steven King's now bit the dust, he                          
Has started to smell very musty.                            
So now, here he lies                                        
With the other dead guys.                                   
He really is dead now, so trust me.                         
                                                            
 3556 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Arden                    



Grandma's house was a frightening place where               
Mounting the dark and foreboding stair,                     
Leading to upper floors;                                    
We heard moanings, low roars                                
And weird Stephen King waited there.                        
                                                            
 3557 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



Erring writers, your plots I'd submerge in                  
(Though stylistically, blunders might burgeon);             
I would not carp a bit                                      
At the faults you commit,                                   
If you only could flounder like Sturgeon.                   
(Theodore Sturgeon - classic science fiction writer)        
 3558 ART - PROSE - AUTHORS - SF     Mark Grenier        P8211



You remember the Artful Dodger?                             
A well-hung little codger!                                  
It's true, all right,                                       
Because every bath night,                                   
His Ma would pull him out by his todger!                    
                                                            
 3559 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Linda Longprong          



Fagin and Bumble, at the Advent,                            
Knowing that there was cash to be spent                     
By both Clergy and Jackson,                                 
They put into action                                        
This advert, "Small boys for sale or rent."                 
                                                            
 3560 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



Charles Dickens would likely agree,                         
And Chuzzlewit, too, would decree:                          
An ass sanctimonious,                                       
Was one of the phoniest                                     
Hypocrites ever we'll see.                                  
                                                            
 3561 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



In anything written by Dickens,                             
It's certain the plot always thickens:                      
With characters, themes,                                    
And digressions, it teems;                                  
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickens.               
                                                            
 3562 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Keith H. Peterson        



Charles Dickens wrote 'Tale of Two Cities,"                 
But mentioned not pussy nor titties.                        
I'm sure you'll concur                                      
When I say I prefer                                         
The bawdier A.J.L. ditties.                                 
(A.J.L. - site on the internet Alt.Jokes.Limericks)         
 3563 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Tiddy Ogg                



The title "A Tale of Two Cities",                           
Tends to fill me with numerous pities.                      
If I had the pickin's                                       
(Instead of Charles Dickens),                               
I'd call it "One Tail And Two Titties".                     
                                                            
 3564 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          KS                  P0001



The Dickensian borough of Coketown                          
Would get any sensitive bloke down;                         
The rigidly trad mind                                       
Of rigid T. Gradgrind,                                      
Is geared to make liberal folk frown.                       
                                                            
 3565 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Martin Fagg              



I've not had a go yet at Dickens,                           
But hang on now, don't count your chickens.                 
His Great Expectations                                      
Is ripe for execrations.                                    
Let's see now.  Ah-ha!, the plot thickens.                  
                                                            
 3566 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



Pip lived with his uncle, Joe Gargery,                      
And his aunt, who might well be named Marjorie.             
The lad, in poor health                                     
Used to play with himself,                                  
So they thought, on the whole, by and largery...            
                                                            
 3567 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



They'd send him off to an old biddy,                        
Who fancied a nice young male kiddy,                        
Name of Anne Hathaway,                                      
Who once had it away,                                       
With Bill Shakespeare, until he got giddy.                  
                                                            
 3568 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



And as he walks in with head bowed,                         
He finds a young tart, oh so proud.                         
And she is too haughty                                      
To do anything naughty,                                     
Though by heaven she is well endowed.                       
                                                            
 3569 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



This strumpet is named Esmeralda,                           
Not 'Stella as Charlie D. tells ya.                         
She's been bred for one part,                               
Just to break poor men's hearts,                            
But Pip feels his dong growing harder.                      
                                                            
 3570 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



Old Hathaway said "Are you able,                            
Young Pip, to perform on the table?                         
You could pull down your pants                              
And do the old dance,                                       
With Esme attached to your cable."                          
                                                            
 3571 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



(The old dance, for those too naive,                        
Is the one that the serpent showed Eve,                     
Thus she taught her young man                               
That there's plenty you can                                 
Do well, once you've shed your fig leaves.)                 
                                                            
 3572 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



But proud Esmeralda was coy.                                
She'd not soil herself with this boy.                       
So he grabbed the old crone,                                
And showed her his bone,                                    
Which she took with the greatest of joy.                    
                                                            
 3573 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



That young lad was what she desired,                        
So she stripped of what she was attired.                    
But contact then came                                       
'Twixt her dress and a flame,                               
Which in turn set the whole place afire.                    
                                                            
 3574 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



From then on it is quite a bore;                            
Young Pip, who has started so poor,                         
One day in the marsh,                                       
Meets an Aussie called Arch,                                
And ends up with wealth in great store.                     
                                                            
 3575 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



'Cos this character antipodean,                             
Who fast from the law is now fleein',                       
Gets Pip a job,                                             
Turns him into a snob,                                      
A prig of a sub-human bein'.                                
                                                            
 3576 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



He meets up again with Estelle,                             
In London town where both now dwell,                        
But Pip still can't prise                                   
His dong 'twixt her thighs,                                 
'Cause Quasi has now rung her bell.                         
                                                            
 3577 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



Now for once Dickens was so witty,                          
And on Esme taking some pity,                               
A sequel he wrote,                                          
'Bout the things 'neath her throat,                         
And he called it The Tale Of Two Titties.                   
                                                            
 3578 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



So there in the end I have got,                             
Almost the whole way through the plot.                      
I hope Charlie D.                                           
Won't be too hard on me,                                    
When we meet in that place that's so hot.                   
                                                            
 3579 ART - PROSE - DICKENS                                   



Dickens' Pip possessed one lasting trait.                   
He believed life depended on fate.                          
It was not as he'd thought.                                 
Havisham furnished naught,                                  
Although his expectations were great.                       
                                                            
 3580 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



In Dicken's gray world, joyous BLITHESOME                   
Was limited to the rich lithesome.                          
While corners drizzly                                       
Are filled with grisly                                      
Scenes of grim reaper's tries to scythe some.               
                                                            
 3581 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Daniel Ford              



English Classics Prof 0. Howie Straines,                    
Opined Dickens was chief of his banes.                      
"He penned tortuous plots                                   
But the thing I hate lots,                                  
Where, for God's sake, did he get those names?"             
                                                            
 3582 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          L C Fitzhugh        P0112



There was an old skinflint named Scrooge                    
Who annointed his nipples with rouge.                       
"I feel a bit gnarly                                        
But should you see Marley,                                  
He's chained to a sailor in Bruge.                          
                                                            
 3583 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Bill Wall                



Old Scrooge wore a smile not a sneer,                       
And was filled with Holiday cheer.                          
For there in the sky,                                       
He saw flying by,                                           
Old Santa and his eight reindeer.                           
                                                            
 3584 ART - PROSE - DICKENS          Smiley Scrooge           



A witch put a hex upon Sarah,                               
So she thought she was Scarlett O'Hara.                     
She'd walk around town                                      
In a burdensome gown,                                       
That came from a quite different era.                       
                                                            
 3585 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Nick                     



Poor Scarlet's remorse was a sham;                          
She played on old Rhett like a ham.                         
Thought he, "This sly kid'll                                
Spout bald taradiddle,                                      
And frankly, I don't give a damn!"                          
                                                            
 3586 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Jim D                    



Rhett Buttler and Scarlett O'Hara                           
Went to live in the mansion called Tara.                    
But it just couldn't last                                   
For Rhett had a past                                        
And Scarlett's views were too narrow.                       
                                                            
 3587 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Neal Wilgus         P8409



There was a young lady of Tara;                             
Her name it was Scarlett O'Hara.                            
Thrice taken to bride,                                      
Husbands couldn't decide                                    
If her cunt was too wide or too narra.                      
                                                            
 3588 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Nordberg of Sweden       



More news from the Civil War Era:                           
It seems that Miss Scarlett O'Hara                          
Has petitioned the court                                    
For injuction, to thwart                                    
Colored folks exploiting Tara.                              
                                                            
 3589 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Dr Limerick              



Here's a toast to Miss Scarlett O'Hara,                     
Who dispensed with her rouge and mascara;                   
When occasion arose                                         
She shed all her fine clothes                               
And did chores on all fours around Tara.                    
                                                            
 3590 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Thomas A. Quinine   P8312



In Gone With The Wind, all the girls                        
Wore crinolines, bustles and curls;                         
Again and Again                                             
They flirted with men                                       
Who often responded like churls.                            
                                                            
 3591 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   R. J. Winkler       P8409



Heaping beans on Rhett's plate, Scarlett grinned,           
Despite his reproach how she'd sinned.                      
When he'd eaten three helpings,                             
She heard no more yelpings--                                
Because he was Gone With The Wind!                          
                                                            
 3592 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Vassar W. Smith     P9504



A sensitive virgin of Lynd                                  
Observed when she'd sexually sinned:                        
"If I chance to beget,                                      
This soiree I'll regret,                                    
But my virtue is Gone With The Wind."                       
                                                            
 3593 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND                       G1578



Scarlett cried, "What shall I do?"                          
And snuffled and wept, "Oh, boohoo..."                      
"Frankly my dear,                                           
You can get me a beer,                                      
Then take me upstairs for a screw."                         
                                                            
 3594 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Tutta Gioia              



An old southern belle know as Lou                           
Was daring Rhett Butler to screw.                           
He said, "I'm not queer,                                    
But frankly, my dear,                                       
I don't give a shit about you!"                             
                                                            
 3595 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Worlds Best Dirty L P9304



In the South, it was common enough                          
For ladies to favor the stuff.                              
So Rhett Butler was wise                                    
To conceal his surprise,                                    
When Scarlet O'Hara dipped snuff.                           
                                                            
 3596 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   A. N. Wilkins       P9202



At war's end, with no bugles, no drums,                     
Scarlett's Rhett left her begging form crumbs:              
"I'll worry tomorrow",                                      
But this was her sorrow,                                    
"Tomorrow never comes."                                     
                                                            
 3597 ART - PROSE - GONE WITH WIND   Ann Gasser          P9004



To capture the heart of his Lizzie,                         
Mr Darcy was kept very busy.                                
By reforming his way                                        
Before naming the day,                                      
When the Bennets could break out the fizzy.                 
                                                            
 3598 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Julia Ermert             



Fanny Price was prudent and prim;                           
Henry Crawford loved on a whim.                             
But Edmund the fair                                         
Joined Fanny in prayer,                                     
So Henry lost out to a hymn.                                
                                                            
 3599 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Julia Ermert             



His words, badly done, were so mighty,                      
I cannot think of them lightly.                             
I must make amends                                          
To family and friends,                                      
And win back my dear Mr Knightley.                          
                                                            
 3600 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Melissa Kang             



There once was a young Wentworth called Fred,               
Who wanted Anne Elliot to wed.                              
But the dutiful Anne                                        
Renounced this fine man,                                    
Though he finally got her to bed.                           
                                                            
 3601 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Pamela Whalen            



There was a young filly named Lydia                         
And never was a teenager giddier.                           
She ran off with Wickham,                                   
Who just couldn't pick 'em,                                 
And some thought, he's gonna get rydia.                     
                                                            
 3602 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Christine Evans          



Through rose-colored glasses we're aided,                   
To see Jane's people paraded.                               
Their behavior's fictitious                                 
But very delicious;                                         
How different from our world degraded.                      
                                                            
 3603 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Shirley Byrne            



Had Jane Austin been born in Australia,                     
Would she have had success or failure.                      
Would her pride turn to prejudice,                          
Whilst she looked on incredulous,                           
At the sight of the convicts behavior.                      
                                                            
 3604 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Shirley Byrne            



An accomplished you lady named Bingley                      
Was afraid that she'd have to live singly.                  
So she set her cap                                          
For a rich handsome chap;                                   
The thought of his wealth made her tingly.                  
                                                            
 3605 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Marjorie Jones           



A modest young lady named Price                             
Was ever so humble but nice;                                
When a charmer pursued her                                  
And ardently wooed her,                                     
She put it all down to his vice.                            
(If only she'd asked my advice.)                            
 3606 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Anon                     



Dear Lizzie is everyone's girl;                             
Her wit and her charm make us whirl.                        
Darcy feels he's above her,                                 
But can't help but love her;                                
Then knows he has captured a pearl.                         
                                                            
 3607 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Hilary Rudden            



When Darcy looked closely at Lizzy,                         
His heartbeats went into a tizzy.                           
She wasn't so struck with him;                              
And wouldn't have truck with him;                           
Till the sight of his pile made her dizzy.                  
                                                            
 3608 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Christine Evans          



When Louisa fell on her head,                               
They all were afraid she was dead.                          
Mary set up a wail,                                         
Captain Wentworth turned pale,                              
But it all turned out well for dear Fred.                   
                                                            
 3609 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Marjorie Jones           



Naughty Lydia influenced Kitty                              
With tales of high times in the City.                       
But Mr Bennet said "No!                                     
You are never to go                                         
Until you become wiser and witty."                          
                                                            
 3610 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Hilary Rudden            



Mrs Wickham, nee Lydia Bennet,                              
Ran off with her man in a sennight.                         
How the other two sisters                                   
Procure their misters,                                      
Is told us my clever Miss Tennant!                          
                                                            
 3611 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Julia Ermert             



There was a young lady called Jane                          
Who lived a short life not in vain.                         
She wrote with such style,                                  
Wit, irony, guile,                                          
That the fame of her name shall remain.                     
                                                            
 3612 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Marjorie Jones           



When Maria Bertram lost her head                            
Playing Agatha, mother of Fred,                             
Mr Rushworth adoring                                        
But so dull and boring,                                     
Couldn't keep her from Henry's bed.                         
                                                            
 3613 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Pamela Whalen            



Sir Walter of Kellynch was vain,                            
In fact, he was rather a pain.                              
His actions were rash,                                      
He squandered his cash,                                     
Though handsome, he hadn't a brain.                         
                                                            
 3614 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Christine Evans          



There was a young lady called Jane;                         
Read Burney, but never in vain.                             
Changed her epistolary form,                                
Took the whole world by storm.                              
Gave us six of the best!  So thanks, Jane.                  
                                                            
 3615 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Marjorie Jones           



Elizabeth Elliot was proud;                                 
Mary complained very loud.                                  
Sir Walter was vain                                         
Mrs Clay sadly plain,                                       
And Wentworth stood out from the crowd.                     
                                                            
 3616 ART - PROSE - JANE AUSTIN      Pamela Whalen            



With ATTIC SALT a rich humor vein,                          
Along with loud laughter's refrain.                         
I've found in the past                                      
In the good words amassed,                                  
By that crusty old gent, Mark Twain.                        
                                                            
 3617 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Chris Papa               



The old English writers I've slaughtered,                   
Told Dickens and Doyle like they oughta d-                  
One, now I'll see                                           
If Americans three,                                         
Can also be hung, drawn, and quartered.                     
                                                            
 3618 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



Alcott, Twain and Beecher Stowe,                            
All wrote the same stuff, don't you know.                   
So this compilation,                                        
Or agglomeration,                                           
Will sort them all out in one go.                           
                                                            
 3619 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



So come, let our story begin...                             
Tom Sawyer and Huckleb'ry Finn,                             
Were laid on their bunks,                                   
As drunk as two skunks...                                   
They'd been at Aunt Polly's sloe gin.                       
                                                            
 3620 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



"Come on, Tom," says Huck, the young hippy,                 
"We'll borrow a boat that's quite nippy,                    
That'll be a fine stunt.                                    
We'll take Old Ben's punt,                                  
And sail down the great Mississippi."                       
                                                            
 3621 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



They snuck round to Tom's Uncle's cabin,                    
And while the old fella was nappin',                        
Some bottles of corn                                        
Liquor, and plenty porn                                     
Magazines they were stealthily grabbin'.                    
                                                            
 3622 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



They crept to the river so cold,                            
Found a punt, hitched it free, and then poled               
Out into the lake...                                        
Then their first big mistake,                               
They opened a mag's centerfold.                             
                                                            
 3623 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



They eagerly studied the diff-                              
Erences that girls had, and stiff-                          
ened down in their pants,                                   
And gave not a glance                                       
At the path being took by their skiff.                      
                                                            
 3624 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



Were the boobs on that model girl real, or                  
False? Gee, they'd both like to peel her                    
Of clothing, though few                                     
That just hid from view...                                  
Then along came a mighty stern-wheeler.                     
                                                            
 3625 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



To that ship their small craft was unsighted,               
And the boys too engrossed to be frighted,                  
In the water were thrown,                                   
Losing pics, booze and bones,                               
But soon on an island alighted.                             
                                                            
 3626 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



Dame Fortune the foolish caresses,                          
Her plenitude now will impress us,                          
For our shivering pair,                                     
Find piled neatly there,                                    
Silk panties, plus bras and fine dresses.                   
                                                            
 3627 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



So in this lone place quite benighted,                      
With limited choice they've decided,                        
These garments to don,                                      
And pulling them on,                                        
Our heroes become quite excited.                            
                                                            
 3628 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



These jessies now start to explore,                         
And just round the bend they find four                      
Young ladies, quite grand,                                  
Laid out on the sand,                                       
Whose beauty they cannot ignore.                            
                                                            
 3629 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



Were Tom's next words ornithological?                       
Perhaps you think meteorological?                           
"Hey Huck, I spy fun,                                       
Naked birds in the sun!"...                                 
I think they were fornicological.                           
                                                            
 3630 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



These four, as I guess you all knew,                        
Were Amy, Beth, Jo and sweet Sue,                           
They arose with a squeal,                                   
And their laughter did peal:                                
"It's the Nancy boys, where's Hardy Drew?"                  
                                                            
 3631 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



What followed from this assignation,                        
I'll leave unto your 'magination.                           
Suffice it to say,                                          
That the rest of the day                                    
Resulted in much procreation.                               
                                                            
 3632 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



With all of this junk I'm now bored,                        
But I trust that you may well applaud,                      
The rhymes that I shunt,   [shunned]                        
For Huck, and the punt,                                     
By luck and the grace of the Lord.                          
                                                            
 3633 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



One point: if it seems at first sight,                      
That the names that I give aren't quite right,              
Of those four little women,                                 
Who naked were swimming,                                    
I'm trying to skirt copyright.                              
                                                            
 3634 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a little old lawyer,                         
Who sued Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer                           
On behalf of Ms. Thatcher.                                  
They said when they catch 'er,                              
Huck watched what Tom did her -- the voyeur!                
                                                            
 3635 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Marlene Lewis            



Huck Finn, on the river a spell,                            
Found freedom, gave freedom as well.                        
He cast off the yoke                                        
Of respectable folk,                                        
Scaling heaven assenting to hell.                           
                                                            
 3636 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Laurence Perrine    P8409



Huck Finn is a novel with plot,                             
And its language! -- I like it a lot;                       
As for Finnegans Wake,                                      
Huck return for Christ's sake!                              
And redeem us from Aunt Polly-glot!                         
                                                            
 3637 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Laurence Perrine    P8409



I think you're confusing his claim.                         
He'd a speech defect, using his name.                       
He couldn't pronounce R's;                                  
When he met gals in bars,                                   
He boasted: "I go like a twain!"                            
                                                            
 3638 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Tiddy Ogg                



"I was born," snapped Clemens, a hack,                      
When dying and flat on his back,                            
"With Halley's Comet!                                       
I'm going out on it,                                        
But then we're coming right back!"                          
                                                            
 3639 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN                           P8211



"With tariffs today everywhere,                             
If there's one foreign product they spare                   
From duty assessed,"                                        
Mark Twain said he guessed,                                 
"It must be the answer to prayer."                          
                                                            
 3640 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       A. N. Wilkins       P9008



Mark Twain was a mop-headed male,                           
Whose narratives sparkled like ale.                         
And this Prince of the Grin                                 
Who once fathered Huck Finn,                                
Can still hold the world by the tale!                       
                                                            
 3641 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       W. S. Burgess       P9611



There once was a writer name Twain.                         
Who had a peculiar stain,                                   
Surrounding the head,                                       
Of his prick: It was red,                                   
And 'twas said to wash off in the rain.                     
                                                            
 3642 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN                           L1651



There once was a writer named Clemens,                      
Whose balls were a pair of large lemons.                    
To flavor his tea,                                          
He would jack off with glee,                                
And drink it down, 'tremens et gemens'.                     
                                                            
 3643 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN                           L1652



Though Dickens and Hardy may bore yer,                      
Twain's dead, and so can't call a lawyer.                   
You surely can't fail,                                      
To make some ribald tale,                                   
About Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer.                      
                                                            
 3644 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN                                



Sam Clemens -- a pen name he got                            
From terms of the river, but not                            
From being a stud,                                          
Or he'd be called Bud                                       
Or Travis or surely, "Mark Twat."                           
                                                            
 3645 ART - PROSE - MARK TWAIN       Travis Brasell           



On the farm, there's an ominous sign                        
That's supposed to keep livestock in line;                  
"Four legs good, two legs bad,"                             
Was the motto we had;                                       
What to do with this fifth leg of mine:                     
                                                            
 3646 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Robin K. Willoughby P8409



There once was a man called Jones,                          
Who was despised right down to his bones.                   
He gave labor grueling,                                     
With no time for cooling.                                   
He cause many disgruntled groans.                           
                                                            
 3647 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



Along came Major, a boar,                                   
Attention was what he did lure.                             
His speech held inspiration,                                
Hope of less perpiration,                                   
And of rebellion he was sure.                               
                                                            
 3648 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



After the humans were gone,                                 
The animal's party was on.                                  
They knew what to do.                                       
They would savor their coup.                                
Yet they all still awoke at dawn.                           
                                                            
 3649 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



The pigs quickly rose to the top,                           
Determined to not be a flop.                                
They set up great rules                                     
And rejected the tools.                                     
The Utopia would soon stop.                                 
                                                            
 3650 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



A windmill was 'bout to be built,                           
But perfection was starting to wilt.                        
When Snowball was banished,                                 
The old rules had vanished,                                 
And the pigs were then sleeping on quilts.                  
                                                            
 3651 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



All of the laws had been changed;                           
The pigs started acting real strange.                       
Napoleon led,                                               
Fact was all that he said,                                  
And freethinkers were always estranged.                     
                                                            
 3652 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



The food supply was getting low,                            
As animals dreamed of long ago.                             
The pigs started drinking;                                  
The morale was sinking,                                     
And the humans were no longer the foe.                      
                                                            
 3653 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



Because he was tainted by money,                            
Napoleon was not as sweet as honey.                         
He carried a whip.                                          
The facade was a gyp,                                       
With pigs and men playing gin rummy.                        
                                                            
 3654 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Anon                     



Burmese Days is a George Orwell story                       
Of a perplexed young fellow named Flory                     
Who does himself dead                                       
With a shot in the head;                                    
A tale that's both tragic and gory.                         
                                                            
 3655 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Alexander Baron          



If you're wanting the end of the war, well                  
It was all predicted by Orwell;                             
In 1984,                                                    
Oceania's war                                               
Went on just as long as it wore well.                       
                                                            
 3656 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Dr Limerick  02-08-02    



There's no doubting Orwell was a seer                       
To get the date right, at that year.                        
You're numbered, computed,                                  
No detail's excluded.                                       
The Big Brother era is here.                                
                                                            
 3657 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Willian S. Bavin    P8411



Big Brother has struck once again,                          
As he does, time to time, now and then                      
And there is no release                                     
From his hot thought police                                 
Who are might with both sword and pen.                      
                                                            
 3658 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Neal Wilgus         P8411



Big Brother was mad -- he was pissed.                       
Get that Smith.  Bring him here, Brother hissed.            
And soon Smith loved Brother                                
Just like his own nother,                                   
But he wasn't quite sure what he'd missed.                  
                                                            
 3659 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Neal Wilgus         P8409



Big brother again has come through                          
Which is why we all love him, it's true.                    
And he'll never cease                                       
All our thoughts to police!                                 
How he does it, we haven't a clue...                        
                                                            
 3660 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Neal Wilgus         P8411



There once was a child who said, "How                       
A spider, a goose, and a cow                                
Can have equal delights                                     
And identical rights                                        
Without civil war, or a row?"                               
(Animal Farm)                                               
 3661 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Miadesnia                



Dear Child, you will surely allow                           
Sound sense in our reasoning now;                           
Though each equals me,                                      
I'm more equal than he.                                     
So I'm boss.  Yours contentedly, Cow                        
                                                            
 3662 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Miadesnia                



For decades of frenzied obsession                           
With the spectre of nascent oppression                      
End this year with relief,                                  
As we ask "Where's the grief?"                              
We've disproved Orwell's somber impression.                 
                                                            
 3663 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Mel Lewis           P8411



Doublethink is a code we deplore,                           
Though the ultimate weapon of war                           
With its "Peacekeeper" label,                               
Prompts thoughts of a table                                 
We may have read somewhere before.                          
                                                            
 3664 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Mel Lewis           P8411



In Iran and Beirut things went sour,                        
But they led to our noblest hour:                           
The Grenada invasion                                        
Gave cause for elation                                      
By proving we're still a world power.                       
                                                            
 3665 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Mel Lewis           P8411



It's conceded by all those 'au courant'                     
That policemen now search without warrant.                  
In the view of the courts,                                  
From the latest reports,                                    
Inconveniencing cops is abhorrent.                          
                                                            
 3666 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Mel Lewis           P8411



Other hints may be found here and there.                    
Every person who travels by air,                            
Has his luggage X-rayed                                     
And the contents displayed                                  
To a stranger's inquisitive stare.                          
                                                            
 3667 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Mel Lewis           P8411



And a vacuous few may beseech                               
Limitations on government's reach                           
Toward preventive detention                                 
And wiretap extension,                                      
But unbroken eggs can't yield quiche.                       
                                                            
 3668 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Mel Lewis           P8411



How could Orwell have been so mistaken?                     
For a long time, he had us all shaken.                      
But his nightmare prediction                                
Was nothing by fiction.                                     
Oh, how soothing to finally waken.                          
                                                            
 3669 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           Mel Lewis           P8411



An unperson from West Oceania                               
For self-whipping developed a mania.                        
Picture then his elation                                    
At the Thought-Police Station,                              
When they said: "Give it up or we'll cane ya'!"             
                                                            
 3670 ART - PROSE - ORWELL           C Vita-Finzi             



'Parsifal' was a faggoty knight                             
Who knew how to shoot swans in flight.                      
But when Kundry gave in,                                    
And turned up her quim,                                     
He turned down her offer outright.                          
                                                            
 3671 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES                              G2437



'Taras Bulba' was an ugly old fart                          
Who blasted his son clean apart,                            
When the boy tried to dick                                  
Some cute polish chick                                      
Who had captured his wild Russian heart.                    
                                                            
 3672 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES                              G2438



Count Tolstoi, a thinker of note,                           
When young was a raunchy old goat.                          
But as he grew older,                                       
His ballocks grew colder,                                   
And of sinners repentant he wrote.                          
                                                            
 3673 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES                              G2439



'Seven Pillars of Wisdom', they say                         
Is a volume exceedingly gay.                                
To put it quite blunt,                                      
Lawrence hated a cunt:                                      
He preferred it the pederast's way.                         
                                                            
 3674 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES                              G2440



Henry Miller of literary fame                               
Thought the words in most novels too tame.                  
So he ran quite amuck                                       
Writing cunt, shit, and fuck,                               
And others too nasty to name.                               
                                                            
 3675 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES                              G2441



H. Spencer Ashbee, oil-seller,                              
Was a rather cunt-crazy old feller.                         
He hated his wife,                                          
Let a wild 'Secret Life',                                   
Which today has become a best seller.                       
                                                            
 3676 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES                              G2442



There was a young guy they called Psycho                    
Who liked to stay home and said, "Why go?"                  
Said his friend, Robert Bloch,                              
"You're just like your cock --                              
You go up, you go down,  You're a high-low."                
                                                            
 3677 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Neal Wilgus         P8211



I once wrote a novel called PSYCHO --                       
The result of injecting a hypo.                             
Then I wrote PSYCHO TOO                                     
And you see what they do --                                 
My title gets botched with a typo!                          
                                                            
 3678 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



In Samoa the girls wear grass skirts                        
And there aren't any fruits or perverts.                    
There's no competition                                      
Or even ambition;                                           
Adolescence without any hurts.                              
                                                            
 3679 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Arthur Deex         P8409



This idyllic myth has been blown.                           
Samoa is just like back home.                               
There is mayhem and crime                                   
And strife all the time.                                    
Is it nurture or nature alone?                              
                                                            
 3680 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Arthur Deex         P8409



Edward Goery has gone to his rest;                          
With his presence, we surely were blest;                    
For his writing was fine,                                   
His perception: divine,                                     
And his artwork, was truly the best.                        
                                                            
 3681 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Cap'n Bean          P2005



To his writings, I'll always aspire;                        
Of his drawings, I never shall tire;                        
Ogdred Weary is gone,                                       
But his work lingers on;                                    
He's a fellow I'll always admire.                           
                                                            
 3682 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Cap'n Bean          P2005



James Fennimore Cooper's a name                             
That is set in American fame.                               
Well, 'tis just my fate,                                    
He's an author I hate,                                      
For his writing is terribly lame.                           
                                                            
 3683 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          K O'Keefe                



What!  Captured by indians again?                           
Well, what else from Fennimore's men?                       
I'll cover my eyes                                          
And give out the sighs;                                     
If this ever ends, please say when.                         
                                                            
 3684 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          K O'Keefe                



His characters mangle their words                           
In piffle 'bout buffalo herds.                              
While they hide out in grass                                
That won't cover their ass.                                 
I say that this book's for the birds.                       
                                                            
 3685 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          K O'Keefe                



He thinks girls are all weak and quiet.                     
I'm sorry, I simply won't buy it.                           
If I cannot flee                                            
This idiocy,                                                
This man may soon cause me to riot!                         
                                                            
 3686 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          K O'Keefe                



Now please let me settle this straight.                     
There are very few authors I hate.                          
But this Fennimore man,                                     
If ever I can,                                              
I will have his head served on a plate.                     
                                                            
 3687 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          K O'Keefe                



Oh terror!  Oh horror!  Oh spite!                           
No matter how much I may fight,                             
Just to pass this Lit class,                                
I must get down to brass                                    
Tacks and finish this paper tonight.                        
                                                            
 3688 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          K O'Keefe                



In Lonesome Dove lived some good folk;                      
At night they would play cards and joke.                    
But old Gus McCrea                                          
Would just slip away                                        
And go into town for a poke.                                
                                                            
 3689 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



His true love of life was named Clara;                      
In youthful days she was much fairer;                       
But when she grew older                                     
One day old Gus told her,                                   
"Your top lip is covered with hair!"                        
                                                            
 3690 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



Encounters came with old Blue Duck,                         
An injun who wore out his luck.                             
One day by the shore,                                       
He chased the old whore                                     
And caught her and gave her a fuck.                         
                                                            
 3691 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



When Clara got home, she said, "Whew!                       
Blue Duck he pokes better than you.                         
On his reservation,                                         
For your information,                                       
My bottom lips are hairy, too.                              
                                                            
 3692 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Jeanie                   



A young woman named Hester Prynne                           
Is induced by her pastor to sin,                            
But, branded by letter,                                     
She grows better and better,                                
While he grows increasingly thin.                           
                                                            
 3693 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Laurence Perrine    P8409



Although Hester's own pastor possessed her,                 
The way she faced up to it blessed her.                     
When they said, "Mistress Prynne,                           
You've committed a sin,"                                    
'Twas a red letter day for our Hester.                      
                                                            
 3694 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Laurence Perrine    P8409



No other author's amassed                                   
So large and so varied a cast,                              
But of action or plot                                       
I can find not a jot.                                       
Best seller! Not destined to last!                          
(The telephone book)                                        
 3695 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Laurence Perrine    P8409



The author, one critic exclaims,                            
Is a master of numbers and names!                           
But reading the numbers                                     
Conduces to slumbers                                        
And the mind skips about among names.                       
                                                            
 3696 ART - PROSE - ZSERIES          Laurence Perrine    P8409



It was hard on Apollo, I thought,                           
When the workman who shifted him caught                     
And broke off his penis,                                    
Out of malice of meanness,                                  
And shipped him to England with naught.                     
                                                            
 3697 ART - SCULPTURE                                    G2057



An odd English sculptor named Keith,                        
Caught humping a lamb on the heath,                         
Blurted out, "I've a part                                   
In the service of art.                                      
I'm at work on a baa-baa relief                             
                                                            
 3698 ART - SCULPTURE                Jim Weaver Collection    



BAS-RELIEF of nude, in the past,                            
If frontal or side view is cast,                            
At best could just show                                     
In regions below,                                           
A view best considered, half-assed.                         
                                                            
 3699 ART - SCULPTURE                Chris Papa               



There was an old sculptor named Gust                        
Who thought he might carve a great bust.                    
On the very last stroke,                                    
The crazy thing broke,                                      
And poor Gust was left standing in dust.                    
                                                            
 3700 ART - SCULPTURE                Anon                     



A horny young sculptress called May                         
Fashioned souvenir peckers of clay,                         
From the dongs of those guys                                
Who once plundered her thighs,                              
And were too bloody stingy to pay.                          
                                                            
 3701 ART - SCULPTURE                Peter Wilkins            



There was a young sculptor from China,                      
Who liked his port to be finer.                             
So the girlfriend he chose,                                 
Had to undress and pose                                     
While he sculpted a china vagina.                           
                                                            
 3702 ART - SCULPTURE                Kevin's Limerick Page    



Said a Parisienne of the highlife,                          
"How boring is life with a figleaf.                         
Let us hie to the Louvre                                    
And from every chef d'oeuvre,  (masterpiece)                
Remove with a chisel the big leaf.                          
                                                            
 3703 ART - SCULPTURE                Conrad Aiken             



For sculpture that's really first class,                    
You need form, composition, and mass.                       
To do a good Venus,                                         
Just leave off the penis,                                   
And concentrate all on the ass.                             
                                                            
 3704 ART - SCULPTURE                                    L1449



There was a young man in Hobart,                            
Who liked to create works of art.                           
So modern was he,                                           
And so hefty his fee,                                       
He conned all but the poor and the smart.                   
                                                            
 3705 ART - SCULPTURE                Don Humphries            



Young Debbie, beneath her pristine                          
Looking virginal innocent mien,                             
Had these nympho-like manic                                 
And seething volcanic                                       
Desires to be awful obscene.                                
                                                            
 3706 ART - SCULPTURE                Peter Wilkins            



Professing her shock and abhorrence                         
At viewing young David in Florence,                         
She secretly groped                                         
At his willy and hoped                                      
That it'd stiffen and jism in torrents.                     
                                                            
 3707 ART - SCULPTURE                Peter Wilkins            



A Yellowknife miner named Dan                               
Baked all of his bread in a pan.                            
It was always like lead                                     
So he carved it instead;                                    
Now it's Eskimo art in Japan.                               
                                                            
 3708 ART - SCULPTURE                Catherine Stephenson 116b



Stanley, that anal young fool                               
Made sculptures out of his stool.                           
His version of 'The Thinker'                                
Was really a stinker,                                       
But his bust of Madonna was cool!                           
                                                            
 3709 ART - SCULPTURE                John Chastaine           



A sculptor who lived in Calais                              
Could never resist a good lay.                              
When warned he should quit it,                              
He said, "I admit it,                                       
I should, but I have feet of clay."                         
                                                            
 3710 ART - SCULPTURE                Evelyn Bogen        P9607



When a simple old maid named Moncrieff                      
Saw Appolo in stone, dressed so brief,                      
She exclaimed in dismay,                                    
He would be a great lay,                                    
But how do you fuck with a leaf?                            
                                                            
 3711 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin   3024-1886



In all the Grecian metropolis,                              
There was only one virgin, Papapoulos.                      
But her cunt was all callous                                
From fucking the phallus,                                   
Of a god that adorned the Acropolis.                        
                                                            
 3712 ART - SCULPTURE                                    L1305



There was that Greek sculptor, Pygmalion,                   
Whose talent was almost Daedalian;                          
He toasted a statue,                                        
"Well, here's looking at you,"                              
And groped it in ways Bacchanalian.                         
                                                            
 3713 ART - SCULPTURE                Armand E Singer       404



There once was a great carving master,                      
Who poured him a mold full of plaster.                      
When he broke the mold,                                     
Three boobs did he hold;                                    
"Damn -- That's not the way that I cast her!"               
                                                            
 3714 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



A sculptor named Hand, in concrete                          
A scupture produced, fine and neat.                         
By his feet it was made                                     
And in public displayed                                     
As the marvelous handwork of feet.                          
                                                            
 3715 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2514



The King saw this sculpture so grand,                       
And he praised it throughout the whole land.                
The Queen handed a treat                                    
To young Hand for his feat,                                 
And she call it the feetwork of Hand.                       
                                                            
 3716 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2515



An entrancing young girl of Savannah                        
Would parade in a skimpy bandana.                           
A sculptor came by --                                       
She gave him the eye,                                       
So he got out his tool and began her.                       
                                                            
 3717 ART - SCULPTURE                Keith MacMillan     A038A



A sculptor of note name of Jacques,                         
A beautiful tree carved in rock.                            
It was stately and fine                                     
And a novel design,                                         
For he hid every leaf with a cock.                          
                                                            
 3718 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin   3024-1041



To make statues is easy of course;                          
On a large block of granite, use force.                     
Just chisel away                                            
Through the night and the day,                              
The material which is not a horse.                          
                                                            
 3719 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2523



There once was a sculptor of mark,                          
Who was chosen to brighten Hyde Park.                       
Some thought his design                                     
Most uncommonly fine,                                       
But most like it best in the dark.                          
(about Epstein and his 'Rima')                              
 3720 ART - SCULPTURE                Punch 1925 (Bibby)       



The snow sculpture penis looked nice,                       
It was tall and was hardened by ice,                        
But the cops deemed it rude --                              
Inappropriate, lewd;                                        
So they bashed it, without thinking twice.                  
                                                            
 3721 ART - SCULPTURE                Cap'n Bean          P0102



Bill was sculpting a statue called Teddy;                   
The bottom part almost was ready.                           
A slip of the file;                                         
He pondered a while,                                        
Then continued his statue called Betty.                     
                                                            
 3722 ART - SCULPTURE                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



A sculptor in far Nova Scotia                               
Behaved in a manner not koshia.                             
When a statue of Nancy                                      
Excited his fancy,                                          
He used a large chisel to brotia. (broach her?)             
                                                            
 3723 ART - SCULPTURE                Hugh Oliver           23b



Leonardo Da Vinci's art funder,                             
For cannons the bronze had to plunder.                      
But though, much belated,                                   
The art's now created                                       
A giant equestrian wonder!                                  
                                                            
 3724 ART - SCULPTURE                Prof M-G                 



Michangelo's David 'tis known                               
Could outlast all others when blown.                        
He was saved, I am sure,                                    
From delight premature,                                     
Protected by foreskin of stone.                             
                                                            
 3725 ART - SCULPTURE                Dick Buenger        P9006



While humming "Andante Cantabile,"                          
A sculptor constructed a mobile.                            
When it failed to revolve,                                  
He made this resolve,                                       
"I really must build them more wobile."                     
                                                            
 3726 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



My totem's a fine piece of art;                             
It truly is dear to my heart.                               
You have it pegged wrong;                                   
It's big, hard and long;                                    
As totems go, it stands apart.                              
                                                            
 3727 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



Said the art critic Chauncey McNaught,                      
Critiquing a sculpture I bought,                            
"It's an awkward dimension,                                 
Reflects painful tension,                                   
To the point, the iron seems overwrought.                   
                                                            
 3728 ART - SCULPTURE                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9707



The David statue, World War II,                             
For safety's sake, was hid from view.                       
And in its place stood I,                                   
My body white with dye.                                     
(In war one does what one can do.)                          
                                                            
 3729 ART - SCULPTURE                Irving Superior     P8901



When the stature of DAVID was crated                        
And hid till the battle abated,                             
I stood there in its stead                                  
Painted white, toe to head,                                 
What the hell -- all the Wops were elated.                  
(Dr. Limerick's improvements)                               
 3730 ART - SCULPTURE                Arthur Deex         P8911



A statue that stands in Des Moines                          
Is a man with a slot in his groin;                          
He pops an erection                                         
And points the direction,                                   
Whenever you insert a coin.                                 
                                                            
 3731 ART - SCULPTURE                Cap'n Bean               



My horny old aunt Antoinette                                
Inspected me through her lorgnette:                         
"Your prick's unsurpassed!                                  
I must take a cast!                                         
It'll make such a fine statuette!"                          
                                                            
 3732 ART - SCULPTURE                Tutta Gioa               



Michaelangelo Horsepecker Dwight                            
Is a chip off the old block, all right.                     
He sculpts putty and Venuses,                               
And shy lads whose penises                                  
He tucks under leaves, out of sight.                        
                                                            
 3733 ART - SCULPTURE                                    G2324



Two profs were confused by a totem                          
About which an Exkimo wrote 'em.                            
It was forty feet high,                                     
Had one gorgeous blue eye,                                  
And the rest was all balls, prick, and scrotum.             
                                                            
 3734 ART - SCULPTURE                                    G2532



There once was a sculptor named Phidias,                    
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.                       
On a statue of Venus,                                       
He carved a huge penis,                                     
Thus shocking the ultra-fastidious.                         
(He carved Aphrodite, Without any nightie,)                 
 3735 ART - SCULPTURE                Langford Reed       L1584



There once was a man name of Roo                            
Who did a Picasso shaped poo.                               
He saved it and framed it;                                  
Hung it and named it.                                       
I mean what else was he supposed to do?                     
                                                            
 3736 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



The mysterious sculptor, Dewalt,                            
Is at work on a pillar of salt,                             
Which he keeps in a sack                                    
In the shack way out back,                                  
Till the final unveiling in Galt.                           
                                                            
 3737 ART - SCULPTURE                VOL 11                   



In London, Trafalgar's the square                           
Where Admiral Lord Nelson does stare.                       
But in the north-west,                                      
There's a plinth that's bereft,   (base for monument)       
And has been since first 'twas put there.                   
                                                            
 3738 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



To rectify this grave omission,                             
Some arty bunch got the commision,                          
To make the selection,                                      
For what great erection                                     
Should stand in this vacant position.                       
                                                            
 3739 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



Advice has been sought from Buck Palace:                    
Queen Liz said "There's only one talis-                     
Man fit for the honour,                                     
And it's still free from gonor-                             
rhoea, yes, it's Lord Peter's phallus.                      
                                                            
 3740 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



The ladies will think it a hit,                             
And wish to climb up there and sit,                         
The pigeons, however,                                       
Will think it real clever,                                  
To cover Pete's peter with shit.                            
                                                            
 3741 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



A frustrated artist named Puckett,                          
So bored with his life he could chuck it,                   
Up and sculpted a statue;                                   
Toasted, "Here's looking at you,"                           
And forthwith proceeded to fuck it!                         
                                                            
 3742 ART - SCULPTURE                Armand E Singer       600



Is it really so very unthinkable                            
That Rodin's 'The Thinker' is linkable                      
To the desperately cool                                     
Meditation at stool,                                        
When one knows that one's passed an unsinkable?             
                                                            
 3743 ART - SCULPTURE                Basil Ransome-Davies     



The Thinker by Auguste Rodin,                               
His elbow on knee pose began.                               
To Rodin's great shame                                      
The Thinker became                                          
Sub-titled THE MAN ON THE CAN.                              
                                                            
 3744 ART - SCULPTURE                Irving Superior          



Je conclus enfin                                            
Que cet homme par Rodin                                     
n'est point un penseur,                                     
Mais fabrique puanteurs--                                   
Il fait son caca-boudin.                                    
                                                            
 3745 ART - SCULPTURE                Jim Jambor          P9106



You wear a blinker                                          
If you feel Rodin's Thinker                                 
Does brainwork exhaustive.                                  
The poor lad's just costive,                                
And he should be named the Stinker.                         
                                                            
 3746 ART - SCULPTURE                Jim Jambor          P9106



A fellow residing in Wells                                  
Collected unusual shells                                    
Which he'd broken apart,                                    
Called them nautical art,                                   
And displayed them on his lapels.                           
                                                            
 3747 ART - SCULPTURE                Cap'n Bean          P0202



Upon being no longer deluded,                               
A sculptor's young model concluded,                         
"I must doff my clothes                                     
To take up my pose;                                         
I'm not really bare - I'm denuded."                         
                                                            
 3748 ART - SCULPTURE                LaDonna Jones       P8503



There once was a damsel named Jinx,                         
Who when asked what she thought of the sphinx,              
Replied with a smile,                                       
"That old fraud by the Nile?                                
I personally think that she stinks."                        
                                                            
 3749 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



There was a young sculptor named Marvin                     
Who found that his work left him starvin'.                  
If he only had known,                                       
He would not have carved stone --                           
For it should have been meat he was carvin'.                
                                                            
 3750 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2687



An artist who chiseled a cow,                               
Could not sell his sculpture somehow;                       
So to keep him from starving                                
He butchered his carving                                    
And had marble steaks for his chow.                         
                                                            
 3751 ART - SCULPTURE                Ryan Waldron             



A sculptor named Auguste Rodin                              
Did a sculpture once of a man.                              
He called him "The Thinker,"                                
I call him "The Stinker" --                                 
You can see he sits right on the can.                       
                                                            
 3752 ART - SCULPTURE                                         



Imagine a pile of pure shit,                                
With a dab of pink paint labelled "clit".                   
Two cups for a bust,                                        
And a guy with the crust                                    
To peddle this junk-art as wit!                             
                                                            
 3753 ART - SCULPTURE                                   G2374a



A brilliant sculptor named Hannet,                          
Quite clearly the best on the planet,                       
Created a bust                                              
From resin and dust                                         
And everyone took it for granite.                           
                                                            
 3754 ART - SCULPTURE                Observer                 



Said the curator, "Venus prevails                           
And her beauty attracts all the males."                     
But the man was a gent.                                     
What the guy really meant.                                  
"Don't continue to bite on your nails."                     
                                                            
 3755 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin       P9505



A nail-biting fellow named Jo-Jo                            
When told about Venus de Milo --                            
Nail Biter Supreme --                                       
"It's also my dream.                                        
And soon I'll be up to my elbow."                           
                                                            
 3756 ART - SCULPTURE                Irving Superior     P9804



At the Louvre a workman began                               
To crate Venus to take to Milan.                            
But he slipped and he fell                                  
And the statue as well --                                   
'Twas the landing of Venus on Man.                          
                                                            
 3757 ART - SCULPTURE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2441



A talented sculptor I know                                  
Once sculpted a woman from snow.                            
He said that he loved her,                                  
And always thought of her,                                  
But he knew in the spring she would go.                     
                                                            
 3758 ART - SCULPTURE                Joe Thompson             



A sculptor remarked, "I'm afraid                            
I have fallen in love with my trade.                        
I'm too much elated                                         
With what I've created,                                     
And, chiefly, the women I've made."                         
                                                            
 3759 ART - SCULPTURE                Anon                     



There was a young glazier named Cass,                       
Who loved making figures from glass.                        
A slight slip of the chisel.                                
Would cause Cass to whistle;                                
It could make a lad into a lass!                            
                                                            
 3760 ART - SCULPTURE                Arthur Pattaffy          



A virgin felt urged in Toulouse                             
Till she thought she would try self-abuse.                  
In search of a hard on                                      
She ran out in the garden,                                  
And was had by a statue of Zeus.                            
                                                            
 3761 ART - SCULPTURE                                    L1355



There was a young lady from Bude,                           
Who had scenes of old England tatooed.                      
Her boyfriend, one day                                      
Went the whole Penine Way,                                  
With Cheddar Gorge still to be viewed.                      
                                                            
 3762 ART - TATTOOS                  Romper                   



I know a young biker named Jamie,                           
Who starts the day with a snifter of Remy.                  
When done with his booze,                                   
He checks his tattoos,                                      
And goes out for a new COCKAMAMIE.                          
                                                            
 3763 ART - TATTOOS                  Norm Brust               



My Momma is crying the blues;                               
She does not like the women I choose.                       
My latest is Charley,                                       
She drives a big Harley,                                    
And has at least twenty tattoos!                            
                                                            
 3764 ART - TATTOOS                  Observer                 



The main thing about a tattoo:                              
It's permanently fixed upon you.                            
If you try to delete,                                       
You'll admit defeat;                                        
It just does not want to unglue.                            
                                                            
 3765 ART - TATTOOS                  Tony Burrell             



I've screwed you from places remote,                        
And shown you the words on my scrot.                        
Tattooed on my pole?                                        
'Karma Sutra' in full;                                      
Each night those words stick in your throat.                
                                                            
 3766 ART - TATTOOS                                           



I've got a tattoo down below,                               
On my willy which only says "Lo";                           
But if 42C's                                                
I'm permitted to squeeze,                                   
Then is spells out "Llandudno", you know.                   
                                                            
 3767 ART - TATTOOS                  Peter Wilkins            



I'm thinking of getting a new one --                        
A one-needle Druidic blue one,                              
To jazz up my shaft --                                      
A non-autographed                                           
Design you may view while you hoo one.                      
                                                            
 3768 ART - TATTOOS                  Peter Wilkins            



Something that shows off my Tinkles --                      
Limp, it's got foreskin with wrinkles --                    
Interlocked lines                                           
That transmute designs --                                   
Engorgement exposing the crinkles.                          
                                                            
 3769 ART - TATTOOS                  Peter Wilkins            



If you think I've tattooed on my cock,                      
Just the letters "Lh," what a shock                         
You will get when you play                                  
With it later today,                                        
To read Llanfairpwligwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllantysilpgoch.
                                                            
 3770 ART - TATTOOS                  Peter Wilkins            



An astonished tattooer in Greer,                            
Hire to tattoo a dolly's round rear,                        
Said, "You're still sure that you                           
Just want lettered '4-Q'?                                   
There's room for much more than that here.                  
                                                            
 3771 ART - TATTOOS                  Grand Prix Lim   74      



A tattooed lady named Lydia,                                
Is a walking encylopidia.                                   
When her robe is unfurled,                                  
She will show you the world,                                
And a perfect relief map of Lybia.                          
                                                            
 3772 ART - TATTOOS                  Irish                    



He's concluded tattoos are absurd;                          
That's the stance now of Jonathon Byrd.                     
He'd requested none other                                   
Than that old standby, "Mother".                            
The tattooist, though, misspelled the word.                 
                                                            
 3773 ART - TATTOOS                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



What new heights of grand inspiration,                      
At last, we've achieved in this nation.                     
There are reds, whites and blues                            
In all our tattoos,                                         
And piercing truths in penetration.                         
                                                            
 3774 ART - TATTOOS                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0012



My husband is going to Sturgis,                             
And the bike rally he will not miss.                        
Nor women undressed                                         
and things they suggest,                                    
Are tattooed in every crevice.                              
                                                            
 3775 ART - TATTOOS                                           



A tattooed biker chick named Alice                          
Preferred macho men full of malice.                         
'Frisco men are too nice,                                   
Somewhat lacking in spice,                                  
So she packed up, moved over to Dallas.                     
                                                            
 3776 ART - TATTOOS                  Lynn Mostafa             



I once knew a man named Deluze,                             
Who one night drank far too much booze,                     
He woke with a black eye,                                   
And a big Russian guy,                                      
Named on his new butt-cheek tattoos.                        
                                                            
 3777 ART - TATTOOS                                           



On her body was written her beaus                           
Just names and without any prose,                           
And among all those names                                   
You will find "Jesse James,"                                
If you pull down her panties and hose.                      
                                                            
 3778 ART - TATTOOS                                           



See the teenage girls?  Glad they're not mine.              
They believe an indelible sign                              
To be the affirmation                                       
Of their self validation,                                   
When it's tattooed on the lumbar spine.                     
                                                            
 3779 ART - TATTOOS                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



I was courting a girl from the West                         
Who had a tattoo on her chest.                              
'Twas a portrait of Gaza,                                   
And each one who has her,                                   
Says "Blimey, Love.  Pull down your vest."                  
                                                            
 3780 ART - TATTOOS                  Bill Wall                



Just watch for my hand in the bush,                         
As soon as this Lad get's the push.                         
I'll wave to and fro,                                       
Then you let me know,                                       
If he's been tattooed on his tush.                          
                                                            
 3781 ART - TATTOOS                                           



A well-known pop artist named Brewer                        
Is famed as a sexist tatooer:                               
He'll draw on your chest                                    
A girl quite undressed                                      
And gladly impaled by her screwer.                          
                                                            
 3782 ART - TATTOOS                  Armand E Singer       537



I courted a girl from the West                              
Who had a tattoo on her chest.                              
'Twas a portrait of Gazzer                                  
And each one who has her                                    
Says: "Blimey, love, pull down your vest!"                  
                                                            
 3783 ART - TATTOOS                  Jon Naismith        P0007



Tattoos, needled in clumps or in frieze,                    
Are regarded by some to be sleaze.                          
Yet with the human race,                                    
They have a sacred place                                    
In the Arts and Inhumanities.                               
                                                            
 3784 ART - TATTOOS                  L C Fitzhugh        P0111



Many folks like to show they've arrived                     
And to prove how they've prospered and thrived,             
Now display to the world                                    
All their art work unfurled.                                
Their tattoos scream out, "I'm scarified!"                  
                                                            
 3785 ART - TATTOOS                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



A young Irish lassie was Kitts;                             
With the boys she did surely make hits.                     
And on March 17,                                            
She was truly the queen,                                    
Showing shamrocks tattooed on her tits.                     
                                                            
 3786 ART - TATTOOS                  Al Chaplin          P0303



There once was a lady, tattooed,                            
Who never was screwed in the nude.                          
She said of her etching,                                    
They're all very fetching,                                  
But some are decidedly lewd.                                
                                                            
 3787 ART - TATTOOS                  Irish                    



Young Tiffany sang in the choir,                            
And lifted her mini-skirt higher                            
To show us god freaks,                                      
Tattooed on her cheeks,                                     
The legend: "Boys, this space for hire."                    
                                                            
 3788 ART - TATTOOS                  Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady from Bude,                           
Who bar-hopped one night in the nude.                       
When she woke up next day,                                  
There was hell to pay,                                      
'Cause when stewed she got screwed and tattooed.            
                                                            
 3789 ART - TATTOOS                                           



A young lady from Cincinatti                                
Liked hearing the rain go pitti-patti.                      
Her lover did too,                                          
And when they would screw,                                  
He'd tap a tattoo on her titti-tatti.                       
                                                            
 3790 ART - TATTOOS                                      G2680



A certain young man of Kirkham                              
Took inordinate pride in his bum.                           
What was surely unique                                      
Was the fact that each cheek                                
Was tattooed with the face of his mum.                      
                                                            
 3791 ART - TATTOOS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A round-the-world traveler named Ann,                       
Shacked up with a Tokyo man.                                
She was diddled and swived,                                 
And her baby arrived                                        
With its bottom stamped: MADE IN JAPAN.                     
                                                            
 3792 ART - TATTOOS                  Grand Prix Lim  891 G0690



He kissed her and call her his pet;                         
A virgin so pure, he would get.                             
He stripped off her kit,                                    
Then read what was writ                                     
On her abdomen: "This space to let."                        
                                                            
 3793 ART - TATTOOS                  Tiddy Ogg                



Tattooed, gothic script, there arrayed;                     
A full list of charges displayed.                           
You bet that he cursed                                      
But he's fit now to burst.                                  
So grudgingly, up the man paid.                             
                                                            
 3794 ART - TATTOOS                  Tiddy Ogg                



A flat-chested lady named Krupp,                            
With fucks from the back, was fed up.                       
So she tattooed her front                                   
Just an inch from her cunt,                                 
With advice that this side be turned up.                    
                                                            
 3795 ART - TATTOOS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0511



There once was a Renaissance man                            
Who modeled his conduct on Pan.                             
"I will" was tattooed                                       
On the tip of his rood                                      
And "I will if I must" on his can.                          
                                                            
 3796 ART - TATTOOS                                      G1009



The discerning old Bishop of Ewing,                         
Observed that his nun had tattooing,                        
So loathsome and crass,                                     
On her belly and ass,                                       
That he wore his dark glasses while screwing.               
                                                            
 3797 ART - TATTOOS                  Albin Chaplin 3024  G1106



She'd a beer can tattooed on her butt,                      
For she didn't know what else to put.                       
On her chest she had Cyril                                  
Having sex with a squirrel                                  
And each one was missing a nut.                             
                                                            
 3798 ART - TATTOOS                  Barbara Cunningham  P9506



She admired his whatchamadink,                              
So he bought her a coat made of mink.                       
In extreme gratitude,                                       
She had his name tattooed                                   
On her snatch in indelible ink.                             
                                                            
 3799 ART - TATTOOS                  Jane D. Hughes      P9208



A Wrexham tattooist called Ken                              
Used to draw little pictures on men;                        
Sometimes a still life,                                     
Or another man's wife,                                      
Or, once in a while, Tony Ben.                              
(Who is Tony Ben - McW)                                     
 3800 ART - TATTOOS                  Michael Palin            



Said a certain sweet red-headed siren,                      
"Young sailors are cute, I must try one!"                   
She came home in the nude,                                  
Screwed, stewed, and tattooed                               
With lewd pictures and verses from Byron.                   
                                                            
 3801 ART - TATTOOS                                      L1536



A girl with designs on her man,                             
Said, "I will do what I can                                 
To tattoo his skin,                                         
Both outside and in."                                       
But he spotted her needles and ran!                         
                                                            
 3802 ART - TATTOOS                  Jan Sand                 



T G I F tatoos                                              
On my toes help me put on my shoes,                         
That I once reversed.                                       
Now my Toes Go In First;                                    
For my heels this is really good news.                      
                                                            
 3803 ART - TATTOOS                  Tiddy Ogg                



A flat-chasted lady named Brown                             
Was fucked in the ass by some clown.                        
So she tattooed her back                                    
In event of attack,                                         
With advice that this side be placed down.                  
                                                            
 3804 ART - TATTOOS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0908



A confession I must make; it's true --                      
I have just one small tattoo --                             
It seldom shows,                                            
My tiny red rose --                                         
Too bad I can't show it to you!                             
                                                            
 3805 ART - TATTOOS                  Kaylin                   



I'm pleased to report that you're blessed                   
With a heart-shaped tattoo on your breast.                  
Inside is inscribed                                         
My name. You proscribed                                     
The design when I pleasured your nest.                      
                                                            
 3806 ART - TATTOOS                                           



The answer to this I know quick                             
Cause I've seen every inch of this chick                    
No skin's gone unseen                                       
All around and between,                                     
So I'm positive this is a trick.                            
                                                            
 3807 ART - TATTOOS                                           



But if I knew that she was getting one,                     
I'd recommend this for a fitting one:                       
On front over the hole,                                     
It'd say "This one's for pole."                             
On her ass would read "The shitting one!"                   
                                                            
 3808 ART - TATTOOS                                           



Good guesses from all four of you;                          
Such interesting locations too.                             
But all of you're wrong;                                    
You can look all day long,                                  
And you'll never find my tattoo.                            
                                                            
 3809 ART - TATTOOS                                           



Nude Karen caused more than a ripple                        
By tying me up like a cripple,                              
And rubbing her cunt                                        
All over my front,                                          
Then piercing both of my nipples.                           
                                                            
 3810 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



That nipple pierce was just a ploy;                         
My plans for you, you will enjoy;                           
At the costume party                                        
You'll look really smarty,                                  
When I bring you as my pull toy!                            
                                                            
 3811 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



Now, Karen, I don't want to grouch;                         
At the party I'll sit on the couch.                         
Won't go on a bender;                                       
These nipples are tender;                                   
If you pull me I'll simply scream YEEOOOWWWWCCCCHHHH!       
                                                            
 3812 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



An au courrant lad, name of Hans,                           
Had it pierced there right under the glans,                 
With a tiny gold ring                                       
And a bell that went ding                                   
When approaching the G-spot of Anne's.                      
                                                            
 3813 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Tutta Gioia              



Nowadays, to impress a young chick,                         
You'd need rings in your nose, or your wick --              
Whereas Bessie don't care                                   
If there's gray in your hair,                               
Or even whether you come quick!                             
                                                            
 3814 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



A clit stud would suit me just fine                         
And the pain...they say is devine.                          
A little gold stud                                          
Adorning my bud,                                            
And such pleasure will soon be mine.                        
                                                            
 3815 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Jules                    



I went to get me a tattoo,                                  
But instead got a piercing anew.                            
Now I find it essential                                     
To be vice-presidential,                                    
For I've got me a dick chain-y, too!                        
                                                            
 3816 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Treyhutt                 



I've heard from a friend of a friend                        
That the latest most up-to-date trend                       
Is for piercing one's privates.                             
I don't think I try it;                                     
I don't want a leaky big end.                               
                                                            
 3817 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Peter Wilkins            



With all of that metal insertion,                           
Let's hope for a healthy aversion                           
To being out when                                           
A storm's coming in;                                        
Lightning might make a diversion.                           
                                                            
 3818 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Karen                    



These days, on must come to grips                           
With girls having studs in their lips,                      
Not to mention their tits,                                  
And their tongues and their clits,                          
And blokes on their todgers have clips.                     
                                                            
 3819 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Tiddy Ogg                



Punching of holes in your bits,                             
Be it nipples, noses, or clits;                             
Some think it's a wheeze,                                   
To look like Swiss cheese;                                  
The thought scares me out of my wits.                       
                                                            
 3820 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Jayne                    



I once pierced a hole in my nose;                           
It swelled up -- so do you suppose                          
A dick would do the same?                                   
If so, what a shame;                                        
It makes it much harder for blows.                          
                                                            
 3821 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Gis                      



A dick in your nose, I suppose                              
Might make a new thrill, but who knows?                     
When the mucous gets thick                                  
Around that thick prick,                                    
A thunderous blow I'd propose.                              
                                                            
 3822 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Tutta                    



A lady with multiple piercings                              
In all of my favorite, dear things:                         
One in each tit,                                            
And one in her clit,                                        
It's so much nicer than just earrings!                      
                                                            
 3823 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Blowcephus          T9712



Last night the ring in her nip                              
Fouled up with the one in his lip.                          
Their embarrassemtn spread                                  
As they erupt from the bed                                  
To the car for the hospital trip.                           
                                                            
 3824 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Tiddy Ogg                



Now I will pierce your sweet nips                           
And your moistly damp pink inner lips;                      
Insert studs of fine gold;                                  
Give you pleasures untold,                                  
As I lick you and fondle your hips.                         
                                                            
 3825 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Peter Wilkins            



More pleasures you need?   Then come here                   
And gyrate on my quivering spear;                           
For the stud in my knob                                     
Is magnetic; it throbs                                      
And will take you to heaven, my dear.                       
                                                            
 3826 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Peter Wilkins            



I've heard from a friend of a friend,                       
That the latest most up-to-date trend                       
Is for piercing one's pri-                                  
Vates; I don't think I'll try                               
It; I don't want a leaky big end.                           
                                                            
 3827 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man from Beijing,                         
Who pulled from his watch a small spring.                   
He couldn't decide                                          
Where the thing should reside,                              
So he fashioned a lovely nose ring.                         
                                                            
 3828 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Mizzou Lew               



Those people who wear a nose ring --                        
They must have their brains in a sling.                     
It seems that their snot                                    
Would likely get caught                                     
On that little inside stud thing.                           
                                                            
 3829 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



You don't fancy a Prince Albert ring,                       
Hanging right at the end of your thing?                     
It's supposed to be hot,                                    
Though tried it, I've not.                                  
Wear your jewel, just like a king.                          
                                                            
 3830 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Jules                    



The Moonies are at it again.                                
But this guy must be in some pain                           
There's some bit that's gone --                             
(Perhaps it's clip-on?)                                     
So you cannot yank this guy's chain                         
                                                            
 3831 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



There was a young cockster named Ken                        
Whose gal would forget to say when;                         
He'd cut one more notch                                     
Alongside her crotch                                        
To mark that he'd scored once again.                        
                                                            
 3832 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Armand E Singer       566



Some folks now will pierce anything --                      
Tongues, even nipples have rings --                         
But piercing his tool?                                      
He must be a fool --                                        
He might as well tattoo his thing!                          
                                                            
 3833 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Kaylin Brandon           



An exotic young lass in Big Springs                         
Has rings on her nipples and things;                        
For her dude she's so hot,                                  
That the gold on her twat                                   
Plays "jingle bells" when the bell rings.                   
                                                            
 3834 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



My girlfriend has rings and the lot                         
Adorning the folds of her twat.                             
My tool, once quite hard,                                   
Is now wimpy and scarred.                                   
I guess a gold digger, I'm not.                             
                                                            
 3835 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS                               



A lady with multiple piercings                              
Wore navel and eyebrow and ear things.                      
During sex they would squeak                                
With a rhythm and peak                                      
At the same time as you and the bedsprings!                 
                                                            
 3836 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Her boy friend gave our niece Teresa,                       
Many rings, studs and such-like to please her.              
But one day of course,                                      
All the magnetic force                                      
Meant we found her stuck fast to the freezer.               
                                                            
 3837 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Tiddy Ogg                



A young tattoo artist named Sam                             
Added body-piercing to his scam.                            
Went to school for this skill,                              
Where he learned where to drill --                          
You should see the final exam!                              
                                                            
 3838 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Kaylin                   



A lady with multiple piercings,                             
Had exhausted her budget for earrings.                      
She tried peddling her gash,                                
To generate cash,                                           
But was asked to do too many queerings.                     
                                                            
 3839 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Mido                T9711



Think of the pleasure you'll bring,                         
As you flick your tongue stud at his thing.                 
The encircling powers                                       
Of golden love showers,                                     
A piercing praise many do sing!                             
                                                            
 3840 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      S&M                      



There was a teenager named Maggie,                          
Whose britches were dirty and baggy.                        
Her attitude odd;                                           
Tongue pierced by a rod,                                    
And her hair was purple and shaggy.                         
                                                            
 3841 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Observer                 



Why on earth do some young people pierce                    
Their bodies? 'Twould bring me to tears.                    
When I was a lad,                                           
I thought it was bad                                        
Enough making holes in the ears.                            
                                                            
 3842 ART - TATTOOS - PIERCINGS      Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young girl with a pretty-ass,                   
And her habits were neat but invidious.                     
She would wipe with a taper                                 
Of scented blue paper,                                      
Since she was so very fastidious.                           
                                                            
 3843 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L1515



And when she had wiped off her bung,                        
Of the clingers that thereunto clung,                       
She would singe off the hair                                
That had sprouted down there,                               
And would lick her twat clean with her tongue.              
                                                            
 3844 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L1516



Here, folks, is a brand new fast food:                      
MacSycophant burgers! They should                           
Help you to get down,                                       
And get your nose brown,                                    
Yes, boy, they are ass-lickin' good.                        
                                                            
 3845 ASSES - CLEANED                                         



A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit,                        
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"                   
"No" said the hare,                                         
It is really quite rare!"                                   
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.                  
                                                            
 3846 ASSES - CLEANED                Scott Hendricks          



At the whorehouse, old handyman Watts                       
Would make up the customers' cots.                          
And when harlots were through,                              
Just for something to do,                                   
He would lick out their assholes and twats.                 
                                                            
 3847 ASSES - CLEANED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1300



Said the Duke to the duchess of Chypre,                     
"Now, canpaper's grand for a wiper,                         
But I don't give a damn for                                 
This new-fangled camphor-                                   
And-menthol impregnated paper."                             
                                                            
 3848 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L0688



Said the Duchess, "Well yes, I daresay,                     
Plain bum-wad's all right in its way.                       
But there's nothing so grand,                               
As some leaves, or your hand,                               
When you're out in the woods for a day."                    
                                                            
 3849 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L0689



I only drink water with gas;                                
The bubbles, they tickle my ass.                            
Sensation so seismic,                                       
It's nearly orgasmic;                                       
I almost get there, but alas!                               
                                                            
 3850 ASSES - CLEANED                                         



While watching some tragical farces,                        
The audience had a catharsis.                               
Instead of real tears,                                      
They wept with their rears,                                 
Which proves what catharsis my arse is.                     
                                                            
 3851 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L0699



A feminine queer from Algiers,                              
Loves to fondle small boy's chubby rears.                   
When finished with those,                                   
Fucks himself with his toes,                                
Then douches his rear with two beers.                       
                                                            
 3852 ASSES - CLEANED                                    G2073



There was a young fellow named Chivy,                       
Who, whenever he went to the privy,                         
First solaced his mind,                                     
And then wiped his behind,                                  
With some well-chosen pages from Livy.                      
                                                            
 3853 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L0687



There was a young party of Bister,                          
Who wanted to bugger his sister.                            
But not liking dirt,                                        
He bought him a squirt,                                     
And cleaned out her arse with a clyster.                    
(clyster - enema)                                           
 3854 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L0453



A real kinky psycho named Brister                           
Performs sexy stunts like the "twister,"                    
Which involves tight restraints,                            
Day-Glo body paints,                                        
Plus illegal use of a clyster.                              
                                                            
 3855 ASSES - CLEANED                Armand Singer       P0007



There was a young shipwright named Roos                     
Who made all the toilets too loose.                         
With a clash and a clatter,                                 
They sprayed so much water,                                 
One took either an enema or a douche.                       
                                                            
 3856 ASSES - CLEANED                                    G2728



I'll admit that I'm now over thirty.                        
And some folks have said that I'm nerdy.                    
I don't mind a bit,                                         
But I will not admit                                        
That my underwear ever is dirty.                            
                                                            
 3857 ASSES - CLEANED                Al Willis           T9710



A skillful inventor named Cass                              
Made a plucker for chickens, first class.                   
But it seems, and we quote him,                             
The machine seized his scrotum,                             
And plucked every hair from his ass!                        
                                                            
 3858 ASSES - CLEANED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1766



There was a young maid of Boston, Mass.                     
Who stood in the water up to her knees.                     
(If it doesn't rhyme now,                                   
It will when the tide comes in.)                            
                                                            
                                                            
 3859 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L1583



Beware of the ass that you lick;                            
Avoid where the hairs are too thick.                        
If you can't decide                                         
What's lurking inside,                                      
Then don't use your tongue, use your dick.                  
                                                            
 3860 ASSES - CLEANED                                         



There was a young fellow named Gene,                        
Who first picked his asshole quite clean.                   
He next picked his toes,                                    
And lastly his nose,                                        
And he never did wash in between.    (did what was between.)
                                                            
 3861 ASSES - CLEANED                Albin Chaplin 3024  G2350



There was a young fellow named Malcolm,                     
Who dusted his asshole with talcum.                         
He'd always use it                                          
Every time that he shit,                                    
And found the sensation right welcome.                      
                                                            
 3862 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L0718



A buxom young beauty named Gertie                           
Bathed every night at ten-thirty                            
Until clean to the top...                                   
But here I must stop                                        
For the rest of the story is dirty.                         
                                                            
 3863 ASSES - CLEANED                Laurence Perrine    P8807



That illustrious author, Dean Howells,                      
Had a terrible time with his bowels.                        
His wife, so they say,                                      
Cleaned them out every day                                  
With special elongated trowels.                             
                                                            
 3864 ASSES - CLEANED                                    L0707



I don't care if you're King Kong sized hung,                
But do whip out that camel long tongue.                     
For I know what it seeks,                                   
So I'll spread my two cheeks,                               
When I need an ass-wipe for my bung.                        
                                                            
 3865 ASSES - CLEANED                Going2later              



Of a feeble old man of Madras,                              
It was said that his youth soon would pass.                 
He said, "This is absurd;                                   
Please examine my turd --                                   
I use Ivory Soap on my ass."                                
                                                            
 3866 ASSES - CLEANED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2180



There are those who profess honest doubt                    
At your claims to be virgin, Miss Trout.                    
You refuse men your cunt,                                   
But if I may be blunt,                                      
Your asshole is almost worn out.                            
                                                            
 3867 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G0961



"Competition's a bit of a jerk,"                            
Said our butcher, while hiding a smirk;                     
"The lazy young slob                                        
Sat down on the job,                                        
Got a little behind in his work."                           
                                                            
 3868 ASSES - DAMAGED                John Miller 0026         



A nearsighted butcher named Warders                         
Suffered various optic disorders.                           
And as he grew blinder,                                     
Backed into his grinder,                                    
And got a little behind in his orders.                      
                                                            
 3869 ASSES - DAMAGED                Stan McKean              



While grinding his meat, butcher Gurk,                      
Lost his balance because of a quirk.                        
He fell in the hopper                                       
With his ass in the chopper,                                
And he thus got behind in his work.                         
                                                            
 3870 ASSES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2082



There was an old fellow of Tripoli,                         
Who used to make love rather nippily.                       
Said his angry young lass,                                  
While rubbing her ass,                                      
"Less teethily, please, and more lippily."                  
                                                            
 3871 ASSES - DAMAGED                Isaac Asimov             



Alas for poor Grandma, Eunice,                              
Who doffed anal warts with some pumice.                     
Her ass, smooth and red,                                    
Roused her old boyfriend, Ted,                              
Who stretched her bung hole with his penis.                 
                                                            
 3872 ASSES - DAMAGED                Randog                   



When she wanted a new way to futter,                        
He greased up her behind with butter.                       
Then, with a sock,                                          
In went his jock,                                           
And they carried her home on a shutter.                     
                                                            
 3873 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    L0468



There was a young bonnie wee lass;                          
Had a wee ruddy bloody chapped ass.                         
"Though is smells ripe, it                                  
Hurts so to wipe it.                                        
I've a two-week-shit waiting to pass!"                      
                                                            
 3874 ASSES - DAMAGED                Trainman            T9711



There was an old fellow of Skokie                           
Who had spent a long time in the pokey.                     
He spent so many years                                      
In his cell with the queers                                 
That his asshole was all charred and smoky.                 
                                                            
 3875 ASSES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin 3024  G1043



Jill's backside just kept growing vaster                    
And dieting made it swell faster.                           
Then downward she bore                                      
On a circular saw;                                          
Oh my!  It totally disassed her!                            
                                                            
 3876 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



There was a camper from Amarillo,                           
Who had to sit on a pillow.                                 
The big wad of grass                                        
He'd used on his ass,                                       
Turned out to be a wad of Brillo!                           
                                                            
 3877 ASSES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old woman from Russia                          
Who invented a new toilet flusher.                          
She thought it would work,                                  
But it went BERSERK!                                        
And in the end, she thought it would crush her.             
                                                            
 3878 ASSES - DAMAGED                Andrzej Korzeniowski     



I once had a pal, Retze Faber                               
Who sat himself down on his sabre.                          
Seems in a trice,                                           
His buns were small dice.                                   
How his pants fit, I will not belabor.                      
                                                            
 3879 ASSES - DAMAGED                Annie Jay                



The vicar's young daughter, Jocasta,                        
One night after playing canasta,                            
Sat down on a knife --                                      
She escaped with her life,                                  
But the damned thing nearly dis-assed her.                  
                                                            
 3880 ASSES - DAMAGED                Tiddy Ogg                



Sy left his dead body to science.                           
A charity act that made high sense.                         
But the doctor, alas,                                       
Dropped the jar with his ass,                               
Which led to the downfall of Sy ends.                       
                                                            
 3881 ASSES - DAMAGED                Fred Cohen          P8503



A girl was dismayed by her goof                             
And embossed on her ass was the proof.                      
Said the doctor, "It's imbricate                            
And artistically intricate.                                 
You were fucked on a tile-finished roof!"                   
                                                            
 3882 ASSES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin            



A reticent lady named Alice                                 
Returned from a long trip to Dallas.                        
She refuses to say                                          
What she did while away,                                    
But complains that her fanny's all callous.                 
                                                            
 3883 ASSES - DAMAGED                Grand Prix Lim   79 G1735



There was a young lady of Rheims                            
Who took on the soldiers in teams.                          
Ten thousand discharges                                     
And some bayonet charges,                                   
And her ass fell apart at the seams.                        
                                                            
 3884 ASSES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1815



There was a young harlot of Rheims                          
Who took on the soldiers in teams.                          
After ten thousand diddles,                                 
Plus widdles and piddles,                                   
Her ass fell apart at the seams.                            
                                                            
 3885 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G1859



A silly old gardener named Pottem,                          
Complained of a frostbitten bottom.                         
When it rained on his plants,                               
He remembered his pants,                                    
But whenever it snowed, he forgot 'em.                      
                                                            
 3886 ASSES - DAMAGED                Cybergeezer              



'Twas cold enough to freeze the brass off,                  
When the gas company shut grandma's gas off.                
She heard a "THUD" to her rear                              
And she cried out "Oh dear!                                 
I'm afraid they have frozen my ass off!"                    
                                                            
 3887 ASSES - DAMAGED                Jerry Kinsey             



A lady, on climbing Mount Shasta,                           
Complained as the mountain grew vaster,                     
That it wasn't the climb,                                   
Nor the dirt, nor the grime,                                
But the ice on her ass that harassed her.                   
(But it wasn't cold feet, nor the snow, nor the sleet)      
 3888 ASSES - DAMAGED                Anon                L1698



The mountains are full of iron ore;                         
They're rusty and red to the core.                          
But I just don't care;                                      
It's really unfair;                                         
My bum is becoming quite sore.                              
                                                            
 3889 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



I quite know the feeling, poor lad, in                      
That I rode a plane with no paddin',                        
In weather quite rough.                                     
I'd quite had enough;                                       
When we landed, not smooth like Aladin!                     
                                                            
 3890 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



I once had a zit on my ass.                                 
Zit was at the top of its class.                            
Zit two inches wide,                                        
Zit red side to side,                                       
With a globular head unsurpassed.                           
                                                            
 3891 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



It was deep in my hairy old crack;                          
When I walked, with deep pain I was wracked.                
They thought I was ill                                      
(Or sleeping with Bill                                      
And taking it right up the back).                           
                                                            
 3892 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



I went to a surgeon in France;                              
He asked me to please drop my pants.                        
He asked me to bend                                         
And then to extend                                          
My two cheeks for his surgeon's lance.                      
                                                            
 3893 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



The force of me bending so low,                             
Caused my big zit-thing to blow.                            
I spread my two cheek                                       
As Doc took a peek...                                       
The rest of it was quite a show!                            
                                                            
 3894 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



A Spaniard, Don Pedro Potrero,                              
Once messed in a peon's sombrero.                           
When shot in the ass                                        
With some beer bottle glass,                                
Don danced a fantastic bolero.                              
                                                            
 3895 ASSES - DAMAGED                Grand Prix Lim  399      



I once knew a girl called Sue,                              
Who once got stuck in the loo.                              
It was a funny sight,                                       
To see her poor plight;                                     
I had covered the seat with some glue.                      
                                                            
 3896 ASSES - DAMAGED                Anon                     



In trying to shut off the gas                               
(So often embarassed he'd pass).                            
The screw he retrieved                                      
Was much ill-conceived.                                     
It only unfastened his ass.                                 
                                                            
 3897 ASSES - DAMAGED                Naz                      



He did not expect it from Anna!                             
Deceived by her plausible manner,                           
Her papa, after prayer,                                     
Sat on tacks in his chair,                                  
And you better believe he banned Anna.                      
                                                            
 3898 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    P8208



There was an old virgin of Ghent                            
Whose pooper was horribly bent.                             
And thus was her ailment                                    
The lack of impalement,                                     
For she shat at each sexual attempt.                        
                                                            
 3899 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G1392



There was a young fellow named Wilford                      
Who married a lady of Milford.                              
They were married in June,                                  
Not a moment too soon,                                      
For the mass of her ass had been pilfered.                  
                                                            
 3900 ASSES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-0381



There once was this lion in Burma                           
Who bit a big chunk from my derma.                          
And now when I sit,                                         
I tilt quite a bit                                          
If half of the cushion's not firma.                         
                                                            
 3901 ASSES - DAMAGED                Irving Superior     P8812



Nude swimmers, beware of the yabby,                         
A creature inclined to be crabby.                           
If opportunity comes                                        
They will latch on to bums,                                 
Especially low-slung and flabby.                            
(yabby - crawfish Cherax destructor)                        
 3902 ASSES - DAMAGED                Sidney Daily Mirror P8312



There was a young man from Cape Hatteras,                   
Who kept poking holes through the matteras.                 
He said, with a wail,                                       
"It's me wife's narrow tail,                                
I'll have to get one with a fatter ass."                    
                                                            
 3903 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G0284



There was a young lady named Kit                            
Who went out in the garden to shit.                         
But the stretching and straining, (Her stool was no fun,)   
And underwear staining,  (And she feared, when she'd done,) 
Left her sure that her asshole was split.                   
(That the ring on her arsehole was split.)                  
 3904 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G1407



What it's like often times on committee,                    
Is to spend lots of time on your sittee.                    
What may be inept                                           
If minutes are kept,                                        
While hours are wasted -- a pity.                           
                                                            
 3905 ASSES - DAMAGED                Macsam                   



There was a young lady in Natchez,                          
Who fell in some nettle-wood patches.                       
She sits in her room                                        
With her bare little moon,                                  
And scratches and scratches and scratches.                  
                                                            
 3906 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    L1200



Said a worn out old harlot of Clyde                         
"Though my pussy is now a foot wide,                        
Yet it is not a loss to me                                  
For I've had a colostomy,                                   
And I have a fine trade on the side."                       
                                                            
 3907 ASSES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin            



Near a Tennessee river named Piney,                         
Lives a guy with an oddly shaped heinie;                    
The right side's as large                                   
As a riverboat barge,                                       
But the other's incredibly tiny.                            
                                                            
 3908 ASSES - DAMAGED                Armand E singer          



A painter who lived in Great Britain,                       
Interrupted two girls with their knittin'.                  
He said with a sigh,                                        
"That park bench--well, er--I                               
Just painted it, right where you're sittin."                
                                                            
 3909 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



There was a stout lady from Cattuck,                        
Posteriorly pecked by a wild duck,                          
Who pursued her for miles                                   
And continued his wiles,                                    
Till he completely demolished her buttock.                  
                                                            
 3910 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    L1603



Lady Gwendolyn, skirts all a-rustle,                        
Resisted and put up a tussle,                               
But the wicked old earl,                                    
With his fingers a-curl,                                    
At last managed a pinch on her bustle.                      
                                                            
 3911 ASSES - DAMAGED                Isaac Asimov             



In a wood, poison ivy's no joke;                            
For you daren't get it out for a poke.                      
If by chance you should touch                               
The Ivy with your crotch,                                   
Then I'm told you could possibly croak.                     
                                                            
 3912 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



A spring just popped up in my chair,                        
And poked me in...well, you know where.                     
I felt quite a bump                                         
Right smack in the rump,                                    
But to be couth I'll say "derriere".                        
                                                            
 3913 ASSES - DAMAGED                Hunny                    



Cried Miss Pratt, "What are you staring at?                 
I know -- you don't have to say that!                       
All you guys want of me                                     
Is a poke where I pee,                                      
And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"                      
                                                            
 3914 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G0242



An attractive young woman named Cass,                       
Since she thought his phallation had class,                 
With a certain nostalgia                                    
Called her boy friend Proctalgia,                           
He was such a pain in the ass.                              
(phallation - movement of penis in intercourse)             
 3915 ASSES - DAMAGED                A. N. Wilkins       P8801



Pity a faggot named Vitus                                   
Who suffers from ailments in "-itis":                       
Expectedly present,                                         
However unpleasant,                                         
Acute ulcerative proctitis.                                 
                                                            
 3916 ASSES - DAMAGED                Armand E Singer       722



There once was a man named Tom Diehl,                       
Had balls that were made out of steel!                      
Whenever he'd screw,                                        
The girl's ass would turn blue,                             
And she'd get the 'raw end of the deal'!                    
                                                            
 3917 ASSES - DAMAGED                Laurence Craft           



The insurance adjuster's decision:                          
"Not covered. See fine print provision.                     
Her claim she was hurt                                      
When you bumped her plaid skirt,                            
Deductible rear end collision."                             
                                                            
 3918 ASSES - DAMAGED                Dorman John Grace   P9412



A gal in pink pants in Elk Grove                            
Sat with her fat fan on the stove.                          
"Though the stove is red hot,"                              
Cried Sir Frumington-Fott,                                  
"Her spot's a lot hotter, by Jove!"                         
                                                            
 3919 ASSES - DAMAGED                Grand Prix Lim  849      



A cowboy in a rodeo show                                    
Was the champion of the bucking bronco.                     
But he said, "This must end,                                
Though my legs may still mend,                              
It's my end, that is starting to go."                       
                                                            
 3920 ASSES - DAMAGED                Warrick Elrod            



A simple young fellow named Royds,                          
Knew nothing of the bees and the boids.                     
He married Emma, alas,                                      
A pain in the ass,                                          
Which he got from fucking Emma Royds.                       
                                                            
 3921 ASSES - DAMAGED                Crazy Legs          T9801



I watch as she diddles her middle                           
While cooking; it's making me fiddle.                       
The sight of her twat                                       
Now is making me hot.                                       
Ohmygod, I've sat down on the griddle!!                     
                                                            
 3922 ASSES - DAMAGED                Peter Wilkins            



A smooth-bottomed fellow named Fritz                        
Contracted a case of the shits.                             
Now with asshole distended                                  
His future is ended --                                      
He can't find a penis that fits.                            
                                                            
 3923 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G0978



There once was a Frenchman from Pau,                        
Who went for a slide on the snow.                           
He traveled so fast,                                        
That he skinned off his ass,                                
And the cuticle now has to grow.                            
                                                            
 3924 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    L1205



When pinched on the fanny, Monique,                         
Succumbed to a peeved maiden's pique,                       
By exclaiming with verve,                                   
To her pincher, "Some nerve!"                               
"And in your case", he gloated, "Some cheek!"               
                                                            
 3925 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



At the Dance of the Furies by Gluck,                        
Two ushers attempted to fuck.                               
At the crash of the brass,                                  
One contracted his ass,                                     
And they carted him off in a truck.                         
(Gluck's Orpheus)                                           
 3926 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    L0471



There was a young lady named Hannah,                        
Who slipped on a peel of banana.                            
More stars she espied                                       
As she lay on her side                                      
Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.                 
                                                            
 3927 ASSES - DAMAGED                Carolyn Wells            



The nudists had lain in the sun                             
Ever since the day's heat had begun.                        
Asked a head-waiter there,                                  
"Do you like your rump rare,                                
Or do you prefer it well done?"                             
                                                            
 3928 ASSES - DAMAGED                Laurence Perrine    P8312



There once was an overweight plumber                        
Who laid on the beach in the summer.                        
From the rays of the sun,                                   
His protection was none;                                    
The burn that he got was a bummer.                          
                                                            
 3929 ASSES - DAMAGED                Cap'n Bean          P0305



A person of most any nation,                                
If afflicted with bad constipation,                         
Can shove a cuirass                                         
Up the crack of his ass,                                    
But it isn't a pleasing sensation.                          
                                                            
 3930 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    L1610



There once was a feisty young terrier,                      
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.                    
He'd yip and he'd yap,                                      
Then he'd leap up and snap;                                 
And the fairer the derriere, the merrier.                   
                                                            
 3931 ASSES - DAMAGED                Anon                     



I have a fine cousin named Keith,                           
Who's a drunken degenerate thief.                           
He once drank from my glass,                                
Grabbed a boob, grabbed my ass,                             
And left marks upon both with his teeth.                    
                                                            
 3932 ASSES - DAMAGED                Cyberhog            T9710



I once knew a very queer lass,                              
Who had a triangular ass.                                   
Now it might sound absurd,                                  
But the shape of her turd,                                  
Was a stately pyramidal mass!                               
                                                            
 3933 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



As I applied a moist toilet towel,                          
I cried out an ear-piercing howl.                           
For straining my ass                                        
That dry turd to pass,                                      
It's bulged by two inches. Poor bowel!                      
                                                            
 3934 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



I applied spirit (methylated),                              
And just for a second debated,                              
"Was I doing it right?"                                     
Still I set one alight;                                     
Took a blowback to get it deflated.                         
                                                            
 3935 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



There was a young girl in Havana,                           
Who slipped on a skin of banana.                            
Away went her feet,                                         
And she took a seat                                         
In a very unladylike manner.                                
                                                            
 3936 ASSES - DAMAGED                                         



A woman who's well-versed in hoodoo,                        
Lost the pins that she needed for voodoo.                   
On its own, it's not tragic,                                
But an ass full of magic,                                   
Means a great stabbing pain comes with poopoo.              
                                                            
 3937 ASSES - DAMAGED                Robert Elliot            



The blessed Saint Rosa of Lima,                             
When bothered with anal eczema,                             
Found relief from the pain                                  
Of the itch in her drain                                    
By tickling her cunt with her femur.                        
                                                            
 3938 ASSES - DAMAGED                                    G2157



There was an old fellow of Tyre,                            
Who constantly sat on the fire.                             
When asked, "Are you hot?"                                  
He replied, "No, I am not;                                  
I am James Winterbottom, Esquire.                           
                                                            
 3939 ASSES - DAMAGED                Anon (L Reed)            



The shit hole is lost. Now that's queer;                    
When last seen it was standing right here.                  
I think someone who sat                                     
Maybe squashing it flat,                                    
Down its own hole, made the whole hole, disappear.          
                                                            
 3940 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT                                



Went to the movies, alack!                                  
Took a front seat in the back.                              
Fell down, Ah me!                                           
From the top balcony,                                       
And broke a big bone in my back.                            
                                                            
 3941 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT                                



I meat a girl once in Savannah,                             
Who slipped on a peel of banana.                            
The words she let pass                                      
As she fell on her ass,                                     
Would not please her poppa or mamma.                        
                                                            
 3942 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT                                



So here's to the lady named Twenn,                          
Who loves lying under the men!                              
That way, when she's screwing,                              
She knows what she's doing,                                 
Though she gets a flat ass now and then.                    
                                                            
 3943 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT                           G0213



'Tis a legend in all of Madras,                             
The lass with the ass made of glass.                        
In a sad twist of fate,                                     
She fought with her mate,                                   
And it smashed when she fell on her ass.                    
                                                            
 3944 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       C O Jones                



Jim Smith hired a bouncer named Ectam,                      
To remove boisterous drunks and eject 'em.                  
Jim later made a plea                                       
To handle them gently,                                      
And not kick each one in the rectum.                        
                                                            
 3945 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       Laurence Craft           



I couldn't be any succincter.                               
I found that my best friend had linked her.                 
She was my paramour                                         
But she's not any more,                                     
And I kicked him right square in the sphincter!             
                                                            
 3946 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       Al Willis                



There once was a flyer named Pete,                          
Who normally lands on his feet.                             
But once in a "double",                                     
He ran into trouble,                                        
And landed smack dab on his seat!                           
                                                            
 3947 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       Cynthia Salam       P8711



There was a young girl with a fiddle                        
Who sat down too hard on its middle.                        
Because of the strings                                      
And a few other things,                                     
It marked her behind like a griddle.                        
                                                            
 3948 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT                           P8302



There was a new bride of Uttoxeter                          
Who soon found married life made her buttocks sore.         
It was not hubby's thump                                    
'Gainst her sweetly raised rump,                            
But the way that he'd snap his used jocks at her.           
                                                            
 3949 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       Martin Wellborn     P9212



Henry and Lina surmised                                     
That they'd like to camp out 'neath the skies.              
They weren't known to bone,                                 
Yet on their way home,                                      
Their nether spots felt tenderized.                         
                                                            
 3950 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       H Whelchel               



There was a young lady alluring,                            
Said: "A ditch digger's cock is enduring."                  
But the rigger's was bigger,                                
And he fucked with such vigor,                              
That her asshole was torn from its mooring.                 
                                                            
 3951 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       Albin Chaplin 3024  G1973



There was a young fellow enduring                           
Who screwed a young lady alluring.                          
He was hung like a horse                                    
And he fucked with such force,                              
That her asshole was torn from its mooring.                 
                                                            
 3952 ASSES - DAMAGED - IMPACT       Albin Chaplin  3024-1776 



A peculiar fellow named Long                                
Once sat on a very sharp prong.                             
He gave a great shout                                       
As his friends pulled it out,                               
But then sat on the next one along.                         
                                                            
 3953 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Michael Palin            



There once was a playwright named Pinter                    
Who slept on a park bench all winter.                       
In the spring he let out                                    
An hysterical shout:                                        
"I think I just sat on a splinter!"                         
                                                            
 3954 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK                                 



I did this in biology class,                                
Some Holly right under his ass.                             
After sitting in pain,                                      
Removed one, sat again,                                     
Right on the rest of the mass.                              
                                                            
 3955 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK                                 



There once was a sweet senorita                             
Who sat on a bunch of mesquite-a.                           
Now she stands up                                           
To dine and to sup.                                         
She cannot sit down to eat-a.                               
                                                            
 3956 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Joseph Eldridge          



When Clyde hunkered down on his heels,                      
He suddenly broke out in squeals;                           
The spurs he'd forgotten                                    
Went clean through his bottom --                            
He stands now when taking his meals.                        
                                                            
 3957 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There once was a stitcher named Kay,                        
Who lost her last needle one day.                           
'Til her husband aid, "Ouch!"                               
When he sat on the couch,                                   
And Kay cried, "You found it!  Hooray!"                     
                                                            
 3958 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK                                 



I fucked in the barn with Miss Vintry                       
While the air was a little bit wintry,                      
On an old oaken door                                        
Where we ended, quite sore;                                 
For the wood was a little bit splintry.                     
                                                            
 3959 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Cap'n Bean          P9812



There was a young girl from Nantucket,                      
Who got her arse stuck in a bucket.                         
Said the doctor, "I fear                                    
I cannot save your rear!"                                   
So the lass from Nantucket said "Forget it!"                
                                                            
 3960 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Jim Weaver Collection    



Sweet little Emily Rose,                                    
Was tired and sought some repose.                           
But her sister named Clare                                  
Put a tack on her chair,                                    
And sweet little Emily rose!                                
                                                            
 3961 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Michael Kilgarriff  P9309



Miss Hyacinthe Gladys McGee,                                
Said somewhat explosively: "Whee!                           
If the butt of my back,                                     
Were to sit on a tack,                                      
Think of how pained I should be!"                           
                                                            
 3962 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK                                 



There was a young fellow called Max                         
Who filled his backpockets with tacks.                      
He thought he was clever                                    
Although he could never                                     
Sit down on a chair and relax!                              
                                                            
 3963 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Jim Weaver Collection    



A Scotsman who sat on a thistle,                            
Got up quickly, with a short whistle.                       
If I knew not before,                                       
Now I'm very sure                                           
That my sit-upon's not made of gristle.                     
                                                            
 3964 ASSES - DAMAGED - STUCK        Arthur Pattaffy          



A stone knight in a chapel near Ealing,                     
Who had spent several centuries kneeling,                   
Said, "Please keep off my ass                               
When you're rubbing my brass--                              
It gives me a very strange feeling."                        
                                                            
 3965 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                        



A hustler rustled her bustle                                
With her gluteus maximus muscle.                            
And although quite quiet,                                   
Incited a riot-                                             
Ous clamorous amorous tussle.                               
                                                            
 3966 ASSES - DEXTROUS               John Futhey         P9601



Said a shapely and thrifty young lass,                      
Who smoked cigarettes through her ass,                      
"Come get high from a toke                                  
Of my fartified smoke.                                      
It's certainly cheaper than grass."                         
                                                            
 3967 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                        



That trick with your colon, my sweet;                       
I'm just wondering; could you repeat?                       
But this time more frontwards                               
Than backwards .. say cuntwards?                            
I'll sit here and watch 'neath the sheet.                   
                                                            
 3968 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                        



There was a young lady named Kissel                         
Who seated her ass on a thistle.                            
Though surprise was in store,                               
What surprised her much more,                               
Was the way that her ass learned to whistle.                
                                                            
 3969 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0504



There was a young fellow named Schmutz                      
Who was able to rotate his putz,                            
And aptitude queer                                          
Which made him the dear                                     
Of the girls, and the death of his nuts.                    
(putz - either a nativity scene or a penis, you pick - McW) 
 3970 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                   G0444



The derriere Carrie displays                                
Never fails to delight and amaze.                           
She puts every ounce                                        
Into use with a bounce!                                     
And her boyfriend's estatic for days.                       
                                                            
 3971 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                   G0313



A moon-struck old maid from Uttoxeter                       
Would, in spring, gyrate her buttocks and purr.             
Town council, sagacious, banned                             
Displays so outrageous and                                  
Chucked chock-a-block boxes of clocks at her.               
                                                            
 3972 ASSES - DEXTROUS               James Waite         P9211



A patient young fellow named Bill                           
Possessed the true diplomat's skill.                        
He would sit on his ass                                     
And just let the time pass,                                 
Then wiggle his ass for a thrill.                           
                                                            
 3973 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Warrick Elrod            



There once was a woman named Cutter,                        
Who know how to churn her own butter.                       
The cream she would drink,                                  
Then quick as a wink,                                       
A stick would pop from her turd-cutter.                     
                                                            
 3974 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a beautiful girl named Anna                         
Who lives just outside of Havana.                           
She wiggles her ass                                         
In a skirt made of grass,                                   
Then invites you into her cabana.                           
                                                            
 3975 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Tom Patton          P9803



There was a young lady named Ames,                          
Who would play at the jolliest games.                       
She was great fun to lay,                                   
For her rectum would play                                   
Obbligatos, and call you bad names.                         
                                                            
 3976 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                   L0667



A girl of immoral proclivity  (unusual nativity)            
Had an odd perineal sensitivity.(ass of extreme sensitivity)
When she sat on the lap                                     
Of a German or Jap,                                         
She could sense Fifth Column activity.                      
                                                            
 3977 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                   L0204



Said a salty old skipper of Wales,                          
"Number One, It's all right to chew nails.                  
It impresses the crew.                                      
It impresses me too.                                        
But stop shitting holes in the sails."                      
                                                            
 3978 ASSES - DEXTROUS               John Ciardi              



Tails have uses unguessed,                                  
When wielded by tigers, they're best                        
At softly caressing                                         
Or deftly undressing.                                       
You'll have to imagine the rest!                            
                                                            
 3979 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Tygrr                    



The passionate ass on Miss Day                              
Is a great place for sexing and play.                       
Voicing animal sounds,                                      
As her comely bum bounds,                                   
She insists you repeat right away.                          
                                                            
 3980 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                   G0306



This girl who once lived in Strensil,                       
Her asshole is quite a utensil.                             
With this sphincter of steel                                
She can strangle an eel --                                  
For a dollar she'll sharpen your pencil.                    
                                                            
 3981 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Par Svensen              



There once was a man named Porter,                          
Who, with his anus could suck up water.                     
When he pushed it out,                                      
The water would spout.                                      
He could fire off his turds like a mortar!                  
                                                            
 3982 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Puff Adder               



There was a young man from Granner                          
Whose ass had a curious manner.                             
It could strangle an eel,                                   
Make a stronger man squeal,                                 
And undo large bolts like a spanner!                        
                                                            
 3983 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The asshole's exceedingly smart;                            
It is tuned to a fine state of art.                         
It can blow a sweet tune,                                   
Or can blast a monsoon,                                     
Or distinguish a turd from a fart.                          
                                                            
 3984 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1232



Her rare derriere is ALL REET!                              
It upsets every fellow she'll meet!                         
Its undulant motions                                        
Give bedroomy notions,                                      
As they go off alone down the street...                     
                                                            
 3985 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Grand Prix Lim  379      



There was a young lady of Norwood,                          
Whose ways were provokingly forward.                        
Said her mother,"My dear,                                   
You wiggle, I fear,              (You wiggle your rear)     
Your posterior just like a whore would.                     
(Like a tart or a trollop or whore would.")                 
 3986 ASSES - DEXTROUS                                   G1844



This sphincter was really quite tricky,                     
For not only was it quite quick, see,                       
At crushing a nut,                                          
'Tween cheeks of the butt,                                  
But when farting, could whistle Dixie.                      
                                                            
 3987 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There wasn't a soul with a fatter ass,                      
Than a maiden who lived at Cape Hatteras.                   
When stroked, it would wiggle                               
And shiver and jiggle.                                      
Men lined up, by the score, just to pat 'er ass.            
                                                            
 3988 ASSES - DEXTROUS               Isaac Asimov             



"The regret that I had," declared Joe,                      
"When our company took on the foe                           
Outside of Verdun                                           
Was that I had but one                                      
* for my country, you know."                                
                                                            
 3989 ASSES - DIRTY                  A. N. Wilkins       P9411



A singing instructor named Glass                            
Taught a student to sing through his ass.                   
"You know it's a pity;                                      
That last ditty was shitty,                                 
So I'm keeping you in after class."                         
                                                            
 3990 ASSES - DIRTY                  Anon                     



There was a young lady from Wheatley                        
Who perfumed herself so discreetly,                         
From her head to her toes,                                  
She offended no nose,                                       
But her rectum, alas, smelled less sweetly.                 
                                                            
 3991 ASSES - DIRTY                  Albin Chaplin 3024  G1481



If you have plans to mix and to mingle                      
At Yule parties, with bells all a-jingle,                   
You must be quite keen                                      
On personal hygiene,                                        
And get rid of those berries-a-dingle!                      
                                                            
 3992 ASSES - DIRTY                  John K. Roberts     P9212



A young lady who lived in Astoria,                          
Took a fancy to Fletcher's Castoria.                        
She partook of this drink,                                  
With her ass in the sink.                                   
Now I ask you, ain't that forsight for ya?                  
                                                            
 3993 ASSES - DIRTY                                      L0668



There was mad ape from the moon,                            
Who wiped his own ass with a spoon.                         
The spoon was too rusty,                                    
It caught on a crusty,                                      
And degutted the poor stupid loon!                          
                                                            
 3994 ASSES - DIRTY                  Ben                      



Dreadlocks of poo 'round her bum;                           
Mattings of crispy brown come.                              
Smeg of prick-collar                                        
She like to swaller,                                        
Mining her ass with her thumb.                              
                                                            
 3995 ASSES - DIRTY                  H Welchel                



There was a young fellow of Tarsus,                         
Who felt that he needed catharsis.                          
To achieve the purge royal,                                 
He took croton oil,                                         
Discovering, too late, 'twas for horses.                    
                                                            
 3996 ASSES - DIRTY                                           



Well once I did court a fair lass,                          
But decided to give her a pass.                             
For often there'd cling                                     
That chuggy-nut thing,                                      
From the blond wispy hairs 'round her ass.                  
                                                            
 3997 ASSES - DIRTY                                           



There was a young man from Snodgrass,                       
Who had dingleberries hanging from his ass.                 
He threw them at people                                     
And shouted from the steeple,                               
I fuck you all up the ass!"                                 
                                                            
 3998 ASSES - DIRTY                                      L1539



When she saw just what I had got,                           
She screamed and yelled out "Mein Gott!"                    
And right to this day                                       
Has nothing to say,                                         
'Bout the danglies I've got near my bott!                   
                                                            
 3999 ASSES - DIRTY                                           



When petticoats once were in bloom                          
And bathing was rare, we assume                             
That both lady and wench,                                   
To combat the stench,                                       
Would drench themselves well with perfume.                  
                                                            
 4000 ASSES - DIRTY                  A. N. Wilkins       P8802



When hairs git filtered in poo,                             
There is only one thing you can do:                         
Leave the toilet                                            
Then get on the net,                                        
And search for help on Yahoo!                               
                                                            
 4001 ASSES - DIRTY                  Martin V Jensen          



He baked it until it was done,                              
Then Francois began to have fun.                            
He kneaded his erection                                     
Till he glazed the confection,                              
Inventing the first sticky bun.                             
                                                            
 4002 ASSES - DIRTY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Peru,                             
Who laid a young maid on the dew.                           
She said "I've a cramp                                      
And you've got my ass damp;                                 
The things I go through for a screw!"                       
                                                            
 4003 ASSES - DIRTY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Wise                           
Whose ass would have won a First Prize,                     
But you needed a swatter                                    
And an oversize blotter                                     
To get past the juice and the flies.                        
                                                            
 4004 ASSES - DIRTY                  Albin Chaplin 3024  G0492



My interview today was quite keen,                          
As I proposed this to Mr. Sheen:                            
If I must kiss your ass,                                    
Just because you're the brass;                              
Do you think you could at least keep it clean?              
                                                            
 4005 ASSES - DIRTY                                           



Some of you are so very funny,                              
That I laughed until it hurt my tummy.                      
I got through the pain,                                     
Then laughed once again.                                    
And now my bottom's all runny.                              
                                                            
 4006 ASSES - DIRTY                  Kim and Sam              



A certain young lady named Daisy,                           
Who is really infernally lazy,                              
Said, "I haven't the time                                   
To wipe my behind,                                          
But the way I can hump drives 'em crazy.                    
                                                            
 4007 ASSES - DIRTY                                      L1394



A well-pierced and tattooed young girl,                     
Had lovely brown snakes in a whorl                          
Around her rear enna.                                       
Said she, "That's not henna.                                
I just like to fart while I twirl."                         
                                                            
 4008 ASSES - DIRTY                                           



Now lads! That is truly disgusting;                         
The sight of his excrement crusting.                        
A cling-on and a half!                                      
He should take a hot bath,                                  
Poor hygeine won't get the gals lusting!                    
                                                            
 4009 ASSES - DIRTY                  Jayne                    



A man with his cock on the rise,                            
A tart on the street did apprise.                           
He raised up her kilt                                       
But his pecker did wilt,                                    
For on patting her ass, out flew flies.                     
                                                            
 4010 ASSES - DIRTY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2923



I once had a sister named Maggie                            
Whose tits were all stretched-marked and saggy.             
Her ass had a pump                                          
That took many a dump.                                      
Her pants were all shit-filled and baggy.                   
                                                            
 4011 ASSES - DIRTY                  Dr Limerick  01-31-96    



A man has a hairy behind.                                   
Hairs that get dirty you'll find,                           
When covered with poo,                                      
They get knotted like glue;                                 
Into a long plait of poo they bind.                         
                                                            
 4012 ASSES - DIRTY                  Bezz                     



Remember that some folks don't bathe,                       
Or ream off their butts with a lathe.                       
If they'd just buy soap,                                    
They might have some hope                                   
Of escaping without a scathe.                               
                                                            
 4013 ASSES - DIRTY                  Marlene Lewis            



Making love on the beach on your back                       
May be fun but, alas and alack,                             
It sure ruins the mood                                      
When after you've screwed,                                  
You have all of that sand in your crack!                    
                                                            
 4014 ASSES - DIRTY                  KJ                       



A Lesbian on the divan,                                     
Held her lover's face to her can.                           
But for lunch she had beans                                 
And she burst at the seams.                                 
So you could say "The shit hit her fan!"                    
                                                            
 4015 ASSES - DIRTY                  Mad Max                  



I had a problem like this too;                              
I was in urgent need of the loo.                            
But public ones were shut,                                  
So I went to Pizza Hut                                      
And did one in full public view!                            
                                                            
 4016 ASSES - DIRTY                  Funny Bone               



An anal young woman named Kelly,                            
Her butthole was terribly smelly.                           
It sputtered and spit                                       
Little pieces of shit,                                      
And globs of petroleum jelly.                               
                                                            
 4017 ASSES - DIRTY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Though she needed Depends, on my word,                      
My ex-wife refused: "How absurd!"                           
Wherever she sat,                                           
There was odor of scat;                                     
I, punster, called her "Undeterred."                        
                                                            
 4018 ASSES - DIRTY                  Tom Morrow        TP9807 



Stay away from that Douglas M. Bloom,                       
'Cause he smells like a beast from Khartoum.                
I suggest you stay clear,                                   
As he don't wash his rear,                                  
And the smell that I smell ain't perfume.                   
                                                            
 4019 ASSES - DIRTY                  Al Willis                



In the woods he was caught in a bind.                       
"I must crap!" the dumb Polack had whined.                  
So he had to depend                                         
On advice from a friend --                                  
"Use a dollar to wipe your behind!"                         
                                                            
 4020 ASSES - DIRTY                  Michael Polo        P8908



When the Polack was through in due time,                    
He returned with his hands full of grime.                   
Said his friend, "You dumb fuck!                            
I said use a buck,                                          
Not three nickels, six bits, and a dime!"                   
                                                            
 4021 ASSES - DIRTY                  Michael Polo        P8908



There was a young gal from Belfast                          
Who had trouble getting it past                             
The warts and the scabs                                     
That she got from the lads                                  
Who were wiping their tools on her ass.                     
                                                            
 4022 ASSES - DIRTY                  Anon                     



An icthyologist fellow named Fred                           
Had a crusty old skank in his bed.                          
The smell of her ass                                        
Made him think of sea bass,                                 
So he ate her with salad and bread!                         
                                                            
 4023 ASSES - DIRTY                  Jeeves             TP9802



Been sleeping with pencils.  Guess what?!                   
It gave me the unkindest cut.                               
It wrote on my tummy                                        
"You sure are a dummy!"                                     
Can't read what it wrote on my butt.                        
                                                            
 4024 ASSES - DIRTY                                           



There was a young fellow named Primmer                      
Whose arsehole was all of a skimmer.                        
On a cold frosty night,                                     
It would sparkle quite bright,                              
But in daylight 'twas only a glimmer.                       
                                                            
 4025 ASSES - IMPROVED                                   G0423



Diseases have taken their toll,                             
On your creaky old body and soul.                           
But you won't have the trials                               
That are brought on by piles --                             
All know you're a perfect asshole.                          
                                                            
 4026 ASSES - IMPROVED               Ed Potts            P8602



"Why yes, I know Lulu McScrew.                              
But I didn't know Lulu knew you.                            
She's sure quite a gal,                                     
But tell me this, pal,                                      
Is that 'X' on her ass your tattoo?"                        
                                                            
 4027 ASSES - IMPROVED               Grand Prix Lim  831 G0124



A man from around Lake Superior                             
Felt, to fireflies, man was inferior.                       
So with day-glo paint bright,                               
And hang gliding at night,                                  
He now flies with a glowing posterior.                      
                                                            
 4028 ASSES - IMPROVED               Michael Polo        P8604



A thin Michigan stew named Jane Drew                        
Wore padded girdles whenever she flew.                      
One day over Maine                                          
She fell from the plane,                                    
And bounced back to Kalamazoo.                              
                                                            
 4029 ASSES - IMPROVED               Michael Weinstein   P9005



There was a young fellow named Kissel                       
Whose asshole was ripped by a missile.                      
It was mended in strips                                     
Which they took from his lips,                              
And now through his ass he can whistle.                     
                                                            
 4030 ASSES - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1801



This gal could've modelled for Reubens                      
But she hated her size-42 buns;                             
She requested a fanny                                       
A la Modigliani                                             
From her surgeon, who carved her brand-new buns.            
                                                            
 4031 ASSES - IMPROVED               Robin K. Willoughby P8402



There once was a man from Newcastle                         
Who had a collapsible arsehole.                             
It was handy, you see,                                      
When he farted at tea,                                      
He could bend down and make up a parcel.                    
                                                            
 4032 ASSES - IMPROVED                                  G1431a



There was a small girl called Louise                        
Whose backside was stung by some bees.                      
She rushed home to Mother                                   
Who proceeded to smother                                    
Her bottom with tubs of cream cheese.                       
                                                            
 4033 ASSES - IMPROVED               Anon                     



There one was a Frenchman from Pau                          
Who went for a slide in the snow.                           
He traveled so fast                                         
Down the old Simplon Pass                                   
That his asshole developed a glow.                          
                                                            
 4034 ASSES - IMPROVED                                   G2452



At 90, old Daniel, alas,                                    
And his wife, 89 year-old Cass,                             
Were exceedingly poor                                       
And subsisted on spoor                                      
And the mushrooms they farmed on her ass.                   
                                                            
 4035 ASSES - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



The chorus line sponsored by Bas-                           
kin & Robbins is truly first class.                         
Thirty one gorgeous girls                                   
Wearing nothing but pearls,                                 
With a flavor tattooed on each ass.                         
                                                            
 4036 ASSES - IMPROVED               Michael Weinstein   P9208



I never said I was a saint;                                 
I like to hide signs like 'wet paint'.                      
Who doesn't though,                                         
It is a good show,                                          
When dumb people's rumps get a taint.                       
                                                            
 4037 ASSES - IMPROVED               Fredrico                 



Sign in a lingerie store:                                   
FEAR NOT LADIES.  WORRY NO MORE                             
OUR FITTING EXPERT'LL                                       
HELP FIND YOU A GIRDLE                                      
THAT'LL MAKE YOUR ASS HARD TO IGNORE.                       
(THAT'LL LIFT YOUR ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR.)                   
 4038 ASSES - IMPROVED               Michael Weinstein   P8802



Another glass glute had two doors.                          
Liv rented it out to some whores.                           
These girls were all dwarves                                
She'd met at the wharves.                                   
I guess they were all ass lessors.                          
                                                            
 4039 ASSES - IMPROVED                                        



A girl, name of Liv, from Alsace,                           
Who had no left cheek to her ass,                           
Once loved a New Yorker,                                    
A Tiffany worker,                                           
Who blew her prosthetics of glass.                          
                                                            
 4040 ASSES - IMPROVED               H                        



Favruke was the style of one lefty                          
(Livs lover was skillful and defty).                        
And further, it rang,                                       
When he'd gently bang,                                      
And too, when farts blew through her clefty.                
(favrile - iridescent surfaced glass)                       
 4041 ASSES - IMPROVED               H                        



Another glass glute had two doors,                          
Liv rented it out to some whores.                           
These girls were all dwarves                                
She'd met at the wharves.                                   
(I guess they were all ass lessors.)                        
                                                            
 4042 ASSES - IMPROVED               H                        



One of the whores has a chair --                            
A hole in the bottom for air.                               
Embroidery sweet,                                           
And porcelain feet --                                       
She snuck it one night from their lair.                     
                                                            
 4043 ASSES - IMPROVED               H                        



"Pottery feet are like stones,                              
Cracking my ass," Liv intones.                              
Go back to the pier!                                        
Your lease is quite clear:                                  
Glass houses should not stow thrones!                       
                                                            
 4044 ASSES - IMPROVED               H                        



A chauffeur by the name of Runnel,                          
From penis to ass had a tunnel,                             
When he stopped to buy gas,                                 
Put the hose up his ass;                                    
Dropped his dick in the tank like a funnel.                 
                                                            
 4045 ASSES - IMPROVED               Puff Adder         TP9807



A couple who lived up in Duns                               
Had identical triplets - three sons.                        
And with writing so tiny,                                   
They labeled each hiney,                                    
And told them apart by their buns.                          
                                                            
 4046 ASSES - IMPROVED               Cap'n Bean          P0112



"Why, your sunburn looks great!~ Really fine!               
And your red, ruddy cheeks are divine.                      
But he was a gent.                                          
The guy really meant,                                       
"You've a face like a baboon's behind."                     
                                                            
 4047 ASSES - IMPROVED               Theo Heller         P9504



A desperate young lass from Vancouver                       
Liposuctioned her ass with a Hoover.                        
The massive reduction                                       
Achieved by the suction,                                    
Was generally thought to improve 'er.                       
                                                            
 4048 ASSES - IMPROVED               Stargazer                



I hope you won't think that I'm crass                       
When I speak of this wonderful ass.                         
I know we are able                                          
To have sex at the table,                                   
But the damned thing is made out of glass!                  
                                                            
 4049 ASSES - IMPROVED               Lims For Year - 01       



To a pipe-smoking dickhead named Flock,                     
The death of his boss was a shock.                          
So he chiseled a bowl                                       
From the corpses asshole,                                   
And he fashioned a stem from it's cock.                     
                                                            
 4050 ASSES - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2873



A compelling young man from the Bronx                       
Decided to cruise honky-tonks.                              
He was laid, and alas,                                      
Took a horn up the ass,                                     
And now with his tooter, he honks!                          
                                                            
 4051 ASSES - IMPROVED               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was an old man of Australia,                          
Who painted his arse like a azalea.                         
A penny a smell                                             
Was all very well,                                          
But sixpence a lick was a failure.                          
                                                            
 4052 ASSES - IMPROVED                                   G2248



Autographed on the rear of Miss Cade                        
Are the names of the men she has laid...                    
Her 'Poontang Who's Who'                                    
Is a sight you should view...                               
Not to mention the wild sex displayed.                      
                                                            
 4053 ASSES - IMPROVED               Grand Prix Lim  466      



An ingenious young man of South Bend                        
Made a synthetic arse for a friend.                         
But the friend shortly found                                
Its construction unsound,                                   
It was simply a bother--no end.                             
                                                            
 4054 ASSES - IMPROVED                                   L0234



If you go to the market, my dear,                           
Never walk behind Mrs. Revere;                              
For, since her behind                                       
Has been realigned,                                         
It's risky to bring up the rear.                            
                                                            
 4055 ASSES - IMPROVED               Nancy Ashbaugh      P0105



An Epicurean renowned for her taste,                        
Found it difficult to be seated with grace.                 
So boiling onions in cream,                                 
Hung her ass in the steam;                                  
And her hemorrhoids retreated with haste!                   
                                                            
 4056 ASSES - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was this man named Jim Morse,                    
Who worked all around nuclear force.                        
After a melt-down of mass,                                  
Placed sockets in his ass,                                  
And then had his own power source.                          
                                                            
 4057 ASSES - IMPROVED               Laurence Craft           



There once was an Aussie named Kevin                        
Who dreamed that he'd gone up to heaven.                    
The angels had tits                                         
And big hairy clits,                                        
And arseholes that tasted of lemon.                         
                                                            
 4058 ASSES - IMPROVED               U. K. Snag               



A stupid girl built like a sow                              
And wanting to please so, thought how.                      
With a "W" tatooed                                          
On each cheek, when seen nude                               
Bending over could give guys a WOW!                         
                                                            
 4059 ASSES - IMPROVED               Bob Giandomenico    P9003



It was sad when she shuttered the blind.                    
If you ask me, I'd call this unkind.                        
Her hair may be blue,                                       
But she has a tattoo,                                       
And it makes an intriguing behind.                          
                                                            
 4060 ASSES - IMPROVED               Al Willis                



Did you hear about old Van der Valk?                        
He powders his bottom with talc.                            
When they asked him: "What for?"                            
He said, "My bottom's quite sore.                           
You can tell by the way that I walk."                       
                                                            
 4061 ASSES - IMPROVED               Bill Wall                



His lover was so very tiny,                                 
And she had such a cute little hiney;                       
She would wax it each night                                 
Just to bring him delight,                                  
For he liked it best when it's shiny!                       
                                                            
 4062 ASSES - IMPROVED               Cap'n Bean          P9807



It seems that she really does suffer,                       
The skin on her butt has grown tougher.                     
It is from the hot wax                                      
That got into her cracks,                                   
But also the use of a buffer.                               
                                                            
 4063 ASSES - IMPROVED               Bob Birch           P9808



As the debutante grandly appeared,                          
All the guys in the room stood and cheered,                 
'Cause they were impressed                                  
By the way she was dressed;                                 
It was obvious she was well-reared!                         
                                                            
 4064 ASSES - IMPROVED               Observer                 



"Who's in charge?" at the body parts meeting,               
'Twas debated after the greeting.                           
The brain does the thinking,                                
Eyes keep us from sinking,                                  
Each thought his role more than just fleeting.              
                                                            
 4065 ASSES - IMPROVED               Daniel Ford              



Hands said they were most enabling;                         
Stomach claimed power from tabling.                         
Legs noted moving                                           
Importance proving;                                         
Rectum call above just fabling.                             
                                                            
 4066 ASSES - IMPROVED               Daniel Ford              



Rectum and his partner Anus                                 
Claimed full charge, power of Janus.                        
When others cried "WHAT?                                    
You silly old Butt,                                         
You're zilch, like Coriolanus!"                             
                                                            
 4067 ASSES - IMPROVED               Daniel Ford              



Soon Rectum/Anus closed up shop,                            
And soon effects were felt on top.                          
Legs grew wobbly,                                           
Body was hobbly,                                            
Queasy stomach and brain was like glop.                     
                                                            
 4068 ASSES - IMPROVED               Daniel Ford              



Stressed body parts then took a poll,                       
Agreed to Rectum's leader role.                             
The moral at large?                                         
If you'd be in charge,                                      
Not most import, just be an asshole.                        
                                                            
 4069 ASSES - IMPROVED               Daniel Ford              



A Connecticut maiden named Annie                            
Developed an oversized fanny.                               
When asked, "Why not diet?"                                 
She answered, "I'd try it,                                  
But I'm sure it would make me uncanny."                     
                                                            
 4070 ASSES - LARGE                                      G2241



There once was a lady of Crete,                             
So enormously broad in the seat,                            
That one day in the ocean,                                  
She caused such commotion,                                  
That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America.                  
                                                            
 4071 ASSES - LARGE                                      L0146



To her sister said flat-chested Marge,                      
"Oh sweetie your breasts are so large!                      
But I really don't care                                     
And find it quite fair                                      
That your ass is the size of a barge."                      
                                                            
 4072 ASSES - LARGE                                           



I once met a girl from Nebraska;                            
Her ass was as large as Alaska.                             
The dress that was on her                                   
Could hide Arizona                                          
And it took me a week to get past her!                      
                                                            
 4073 ASSES - LARGE                  Blowcephus          T9801



There was a young man named Manus,                          
Who had an extremely large anus.                            
When he went to make doo,                                   
It was four feet by two                                     
And the smell was really quite heinous.                     
                                                            
 4074 ASSES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Well I stuck my head up a billy goat's ass,                 
And the smell was enough to blind me.                       
But the smell was sweet                                     
Compared to the feet                                        
Of the girl I left behind me.                               
                                                            
 4075 ASSES - LARGE                                           



There was a young lady from Brum,                           
Who had an enormous thumb.                                  
The thumb was a curse,                                      
But to make matters worse,                                  
She had a very big bum.                                     
                                                            
 4076 ASSES - LARGE                  Michael Palin            



Big Bertha is balanced of figure;                           
Her bust if thrust forward with vigor,                      
Would cause her to sway                                     
In a dangerous way,                                         
If her buttocks weren't mightily bigger.                    
                                                            
 4077 ASSES - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



He's been rolling around in the dirt,                       
And been telling lies 'bout his skirt.                      
Said she was a slut,                                        
And that she's mostly butt,                                 
And he hopes that her feelings are hurt.                    
                                                            
 4078 ASSES - LARGE                  Marlene Lewis            



I thought he was speaking of you!                           
But Charlie's a jerk, that is true.                         
He likes to make passes                                     
At girls with big asses...                                  
Don't know why he hangs around you.                         
                                                            
 4079 ASSES - LARGE                  Tiddy Ogg                



Charlie's gal has no reason to gloat,                       
With her ass barely hid by her coat.                        
He does take her fishing,                                   
But really she's wishing,                                   
It was not just to balance the boat.                        
                                                            
 4080 ASSES - LARGE                  Frank Fazed              



There once was a young lady of Mass,                        
Who had a very large ass.                                   
When she caused it to shake,                                
It caused an earthquake,                                    
And clouds of poisonous gas.                                
                                                            
 4081 ASSES - LARGE                                           



I know an old harlot named Triskett,                        
So broad in the rump and the brisket,                       
That since she began,                                       
To solicit, no man                                          
Has said "Let's go!" but only "I'll risk it!"               
                                                            
 4082 ASSES - LARGE                  John Ciardi              



So obese is my cousin from Hendon,                          
She looks elephantine, seen end on.                         
What preys most on her mind                                 
Is her efforts to find                                      
A good deck-chair that she can depend on.                   
                                                            
 4083 ASSES - LARGE                  A H Baynes               



There once was a man from Newcastle,                        
Possessed of a very large asshole,                          
Into which he, the churl,                                   
Would stuff nuts like a squirrel.                           
His own asshole, wasn't he facile?                          
                                                            
 4084 ASSES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A doctor said sadly, "Alas!                                 
From the data that I can amass,                             
What causes male droop--                                    
And I have all the poop--                                   
Is the feminine excess of ass."                             
                                                            
 4085 ASSES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin       G0004



There once was a girl from Revere                           
So enormously broad that Oh Dear!                           
Once far out on the ocean,                                  
Byrd raised a commotion                                     
By planting the flag on her rear.                           
(well, he was a rear admiral - McW)                         
 4086 ASSES - LARGE                                           



One day whan a lady named Anne,                             
Went up to the sun-roof to tan,                             
A gent in a copter                                          
Flew over and dropped her                                   
Some ads for a crash-diet plan.                             
                                                            
 4087 ASSES - LARGE                  John Ciardi              



Good heavens!  Look over this fence...                      
It's my neighbor, the nubile Hortense.                      
Well she used to be so                                      
'Til she let herself go,                                    
Now she's nothing far short of immense!                     
                                                            
 4088 ASSES - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



It could be that the reason you find                        
Your young neighbour Hortense's behind                      
Grown huge, might not be that                               
She's really grown fat.                                     
Maybe you have just narrowed your mind.                     
                                                            
 4089 ASSES - LARGE                  Ulla                     



They are wise words you speak, but my dear,                 
It's big girls I like around here.                          
The size notwithstanding,                                   
They'll give a soft landing                                 
When diving from off chandeliers.                           
                                                            
 4090 ASSES - LARGE                  Tiddy Ogg                



I really must side with my chum;                            
Hortense has a really huge bum.                             
It buries her lips                                          
Like a total eclipse,                                       
And reduces her farts to a hum.                             
                                                            
 4091 ASSES - LARGE                  Frank Fazed              



Those gals with those really huge bums,                     
Like Hortense, are Ma Nature's plums.                       
They cushion their guys                                     
On pillowy thighs,                                          
And hold him quite tight when he comes.                     
                                                            
 4092 ASSES - LARGE                  Marlene Lewis            



Being held in her cavernous cheeks                          
While squeezing her mammary peaks,                          
Would just blow my mind,                                    
And later she'll find                                       
When walking, she no longer squeaks.                        
                                                            
 4093 ASSES - LARGE                  Frank Fazed              



Regarding my cute little ass,                               
An update's in order, alas.                                 
I have to admit                                             
It's grown quite a bit;                                     
The years have expanded its mass.                           
                                                            
 4094 ASSES - LARGE                  Barbara Tepper           



The years just keep rolling along                           
And treat us sometimes right or wrong!                      
As they've done to your ass,                                
Yes, Barbara lass,                                          
They've done the same things to my dong!                    
                                                            
 4095 ASSES - LARGE                  Travis Brasell           



Yes mine, too, has grown a bit wide,                        
But I've no problem sitting astride                         
A healthy young buck,                                       
For a bronco type fuck,                                     
And have me a long long slow ride.                          
                                                            
 4096 ASSES - LARGE                  Carol                    



I saw that gal planting caladiums,                          
Her butt looked like she'd taken radiums;                   
Yes, it was grand-dandy,                                    
But comes in real handy                                     
For her on hard bleachers in stadiums.                      
                                                            
 4097 ASSES - LARGE                                           



A girl from the land newly founded,                         
Had a bottom decidedly rounded.                             
Her deepest concern                                         
When her rear was upturned,                                 
Was that all of her rounded was grounded.                   
                                                            
 4098 ASSES - LARGE                  John McNaughton          



My rear is round, big and hairy;                            
My girlfriend says it's plain scary.                        
I can't disagree,                                           
With these words made to me,                                
So I cover it up, but just barely.                          
                                                            
 4099 ASSES - LARGE                                           



To a lady whose shape was uncanny,                          
He said, "You remind me of Granny."                         
But he was a gent,                                          
The guy really meant:                                       
"I've never seen such a huge fanny!"                        
                                                            
 4100 ASSES - LARGE                  Norm Storer         P9503



The hind end of Harriett Bass                               
Is a shapeless, protuberant mass;                           
So large that poor Harriett                                 
Can not lift or carriett‹;                                  
She has to hire help to haul ass.                           
                                                            
 4101 ASSES - LARGE                                           



Along came old Mr. L. Harrow                                
Built like, and light as a sparrow,                         
Said, "Harriett, my dear                                    
Come park your rear                                         
Upon my little red barrow."                                 
                                                            
 4102 ASSES - LARGE                                           



Woe to my lovely companion                                  
Whose ass is as wide as a canyon.                           
She fears it's too ample,                                   
So I don't get to sample                                    
Her broad and majestic, young Shannon.                      
                                                            
 4103 ASSES - LARGE                  Vinnie             TP9804



There was a young lady named Mudge,                         
All day long she ate candy and fudge.                       
Her ass was so fat,                                         
It went SPLAT when she sat,                                 
And no one could get her to budge.                          
                                                            
 4104 ASSES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin 3024  G0406



You can have all your super-assed lasses;                   
A babe with Big Tits gets my passes.                        
For a big, bouncy bust                                      
Stirs man's animal lust--                                   
Big asses are just for the masses.                          
                                                            
 4105 ASSES - LARGE                                      G0380



There was a young lady named Stone                          
Whom the boys let severely alone,                           
Because she had thighs                                      
Of preposterous size,                                       
And an arse such as elephants own.                          
                                                            
 4106 ASSES - LARGE                                      G0460



There once was a lady called Barse,                         
Was renowned for having two cars.                           
I mistakenly admired                                        
The cars, and she fired:                                    
"Those are just the two sides of my arse"                   
                                                            
 4107 ASSES - LARGE                                           



There was a young man from Batasse,                         
Who met a most marvelous lass.                              
But alas!  She was crass,                                   
And she sported an ass                                      
With a mass to surpass Mama Cass.                           
(Mama Cass Elliot, singer in the Mamas and the Papas)       
 4108 ASSES - LARGE                                           



There was a fat lady of Bryde,                              
Whose shoelaces once came untied.                           
But she didn't dare stoop,                                  
For fear she would poop,                                    
And she cried, and she cried, and she cried.                
                                                            
 4109 ASSES - LARGE                  R D                 L0676



A much-too-plump damsel of Chatham                          
Was afflicted alas with a fat ham.                          
She tried and she tried,                                    
But it can't be denied                                      
That she seldom had mustard on that ham.                    
                                                            
 4110 ASSES - LARGE                  Conrad Aiken             



There was a young lady named Alice,                         
Whose ass was as big as a palace.                           
Her dresses were tight,                                     
And she made quite a sight,                                 
To quicken the pulse of the callous.                        
                                                            
 4111 ASSES - LARGE                                      L1628



There once was a big fat whore's arse,                      
That had many men in life's course.                         
It took many loads                                          
From many men's choads,                                     
And then emerged Par from this source.                      
                                                            
 4112 ASSES - LARGE                                           



There was a young girl named McCall,                        
Whose cunt was exceedingly small.                           
But the size of her anus,                                   
Was something quite heinous,                                
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.                    
                                                            
 4113 ASSES - LARGE                                      L0191



There was a young man of Bhogat,                            
The cheeks of whose ass were so fat,                        
That they had to be parted                                  
Whenever he farted,                                         
And propped wide apart when he shat.                        
(Published 1879)                                            
 4114 ASSES - LARGE                                      L0672



Let me say that the scanty bikini                           
Looks better on little Miss Sweeney                         
That it does on the rear,                                   
The size of a pier,                                         
Protruding from Mrs. McFeeney.                              
                                                            
 4115 ASSES - LARGE                  Alsop               P8303



There once was a woman named Annie,                         
Who had a large oversized fanny.                            
When she sat on a duck                                      
The poor thing got stuck,                                   
And the sound that it made was uncanny.                     
                                                            
 4116 ASSES - LARGE                  Bob Birch           P0207



A steatopygic young lass                                    
Had an awesome abundance of ass --                          
When she lies on her tum,                                   
Her poor bum becomes numb                                   
From the snow-caps that form there "en masse".              
                                                            
 4117 ASSES - LARGE                  Robin K. Willoughby P8402



Said my friends, "We'll attempt to oblige you,              
And we'll all of us try not to ride you.                    
We won't be so crass                                        
As to call you fat ass,                                     
We'll use the term steatopygia.                             
                                                            
 4118 ASSES - LARGE                  A. N. Wilkins       P8801



Fatty rump, STEATOPYGIA,                                    
With beauty's hips, callipygia,                             
Is the Hottentot's dream,                                   
Though it all does seem                                     
The wont of sculptors in Phrygia.                           
                                                            
 4119 ASSES - LARGE                  HOTTENTOTS               



Said husband, "I think that I see a                         
Cause for your STEATOPYGIA.                                 
You ate a full plate,                                       
Much more than your mate,                                   
Yet went for another tortilla!"                             
                                                            
 4120 ASSES - LARGE                  Observer                 



Said the wife, "One tortilla can't hurt...                  
Oh no!  I think I've split my skirt!                        
But oh, what the hell,                                      
It's all just as well,                                      
'Cause now I've got room for dessert!"                      
                                                            
 4121 ASSES - LARGE                  Observer                 



There was a young wife from Zaire,                          
Who had a protuberant rear.                                 
So steatopygeous was she,                                   
'Twas a source of great glee,                               
For those who came by to see her.                           
                                                            
 4122 ASSES - LARGE                  Tom Ratliff         P0303



Anne-Marie was a pot-bellied slut;                          
No foundation could circle her gut.                         
If you think that was bad,                                  
Know that she also had                                      
A steatopygian butt.                                        
                                                            
 4123 ASSES - LARGE                  Anon                     



For sure!  But Hortense is immense;                         
Her buttocks loom over the fence.                           
They blot out the sun                                       
And oft tremble, when one                                   
Of her thunderous trumpets, she vents.                      
                                                            
 4124 ASSES - LARGE                                           



There was a spelunker named Danny                           
Who dated a girl with a fanny,                              
Which contained such a maze,                                
That it took him ten days,                                  
To explore every nook and each cranny.                      
                                                            
 4125 ASSES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0429



There once as a lass from Revere,                           
So enormously large in the rear,                            
When she splashed into the ocean,                           
She caused such commotion,                                  
The waves made two ships disappear!                         
                                                            
 4126 ASSES - LARGE                                           



There once was a man named Golders,                         
Whose turds were the size of boulders.                      
They stretched him so big,                                  
While shitting he slid                                      
Through his asshole up to his shoulders.                    
                                                            
 4127 ASSES - LARGE                  James Moses              



There was a young lady of Eton                              
Whose figure had plenty of meat on.                         
She said, "Marry me, dear,                                  
And you'll find that my rear                                
Is a nice place to warm your cold feet on."                 
                                                            
 4128 ASSES - LARGE                                           



Joe's housekeeper crawls on all fours                       
While cleaning and scrubbing the floors.                    
But my, what a lass!                                        
What a sumptuous ass!                                       
But she's asked him to widen the doors.                     
                                                            
 4129 ASSES - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



Today she got thoroughly stuck                              
'Twixt the kitchen and hall (rotten luck).                  
But Joe, in the kitchen                                     
Said, "Quit your damn bitchin',"                            
And gave her a bloody good fuck.                            
                                                            
 4130 ASSES - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



"Our love-making seems rather bleak,"                       
Said she, "Please don't think I'm a freak.                  
Perhaps I'll feel tingly                                    
If thrilled analingualy."                                   
"Let's try," he replied, tongue-in-cheek.                   
                                                            
 4131 ASSES - MASSAGED               Bob Giandomenico    P8911



There was a young man of Mobile                             
Who thought it not sinful to steal                          
A glance at the ass                                         
Of a well-rounded lass,                                     
Or even a quick, well-bred feel.                            
                                                            
 4132 ASSES - MASSAGED               Isaac Asimov             



A poetess (name rhymes with Keatts)                         
Although not endowed with large teats,                      
Had great charms for those                                  
Who, bereft of their clothes,                               
Let her walk up their backsides with cleats.                
                                                            
 4133 ASSES - MASSAGED               Michael O'Donoghue  P9803



Lest her talents remain yet unsung,                         
I must mention my Marylou's tongue.                         
Though I love it inside                                     
Every gap in my hide,                                       
I prefer her big toe in my bung!                            
                                                            
 4134 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



There's a saying they say when, alas,                       
Life would harangue and harass.                             
To us bums abound,                                          
What goes 'round, comes 'round,                             
And bites the nice guys in the ass!                         
                                                            
 4135 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



The cowgirl who's out on the tractor                        
Is happy except for one factor;                             
When every last bump                                        
Meets up with her rump,                                     
She's certain that someone has smacked her.                 
                                                            
 4136 ASSES - MASSAGED               Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A free-handed fellow named Jackie                           
Had ways with the guys that were wacky.                     
He liked feeling their rocks,                               
Their thighs and their cocks                                
With his left hand behind them, by cracky.                  
                                                            
 4137 ASSES - MASSAGED               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A furtive frotteur of Brest, France,  (not in my unabridged)
Said, "I feel of fat prats every chance...                  
It is one of my tricks                                      
To get off my kicks                                         
And calm down the ants in my pants.                         
                                                            
 4138 ASSES - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim   73      



I'll be to my cook so much kinder,                          
No more will I sneak up behind her,                         
When she's in the kitchen,                                  
Where breakfast she's pitchin'                              
And using that damn sausage grinder!                        
                                                            
 4139 ASSES - MASSAGED               Travis Brasell           



There once was a young chap named Butch,                    
Who loved giving his ringpiece a touch.                     
He'd use all sorts of objects,                              
Start all sorts of projects,                                
He once even used a crutch.                                 
                                                            
 4140 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



When Anne is on my tv-set,                                  
(That fat assed young girl of the Met)                      
At the moment she bows,                                     
To point out the lows,                                      
I give on her fanny a pat.                                  
                                                            
 4141 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



He exhibited great savoir faire                             
When he said, "I espouse laissez faire."                    
She thought he meant political,                             
He really meant physical,                                   
As he fondled her round derriere.                           
                                                            
 4142 ASSES - MASSAGED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



New Years Eve when I started to chat                        
With a solid young girl who was fat,                        
I then heard her utter,                                     
"Would please pass the butter."                             
So I gave her a good hearty pat.                            
                                                            
 4143 ASSES - MASSAGED               Tom Patton          P0108



A demoiselle straight from the Loire,                       
Took up with a Prussian Hussar.                             
The refought the war                                        
On her posterior,                                           
All over terrain globular.                                  
                                                            
 4144 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



A naucratis from old Damietter,                             
Was liking sex better and better...                         
Her secret was this:                                        
An anal French kiss                                         
Just got her all wetter and wetter.                         
                                                            
 4145 ASSES - MASSAGED               OgniGioia                



A lovely but LIVID young lass,                              
Objected to boys who were crass.                            
And with manners slack,                                     
If she turned her back,                                     
He grabbed him a handfull of ass.                           
                                                            
 4146 ASSES - MASSAGED               Chris Papa               



There was a lady named McNiel                               
Who got an unexpected feel;                                 
She grabbed her ass                                         
When she made a pass,                                       
This girlfriend who accosted McNiel.                        
                                                            
 4147 ASSES - MASSAGED               Ralph T Rehwoldt    P2005



The Greek statues were pretty yummy;                        
Most carved with bare chest, butt and tummy.                
One five-year-old tot                                       
Thought that rude -- quite a lot!                           
She spanked some old statue's bare bummy!                   
                                                            
 4148 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



A pretty young girl in from France                          
Took a horny young man to a dance.                          
But at intermission,                                        
Without her permission,                                     
He stuck his hands in her pants.                            
                                                            
 4149 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Poor Suzy was gagging in jerks,                             
When Sammy in one of his quirks                             
Pulled down her pants.                                      
Then mid "Bravo!" type chants,                              
Cried, "That Hind Lick maneuver sure works!"                
                                                            
 4150 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



He was scratching his ass with a finger.                    
Being bored, he decided to linger,                          
To explore for a while,                                     
A medium sized pile,                                        
And a boil that was a super humdinger.                      
                                                            
 4151 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



When atom bombs fill up the sky,                            
You must give it the old college try.                       
Say a prayer, if you please,                                
Put your head 'tween your knees,                            
And then you can kiss your ass goodbye!                     
                                                            
 4152 ASSES - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2301



A gay student from Burton-on-Marsh                          
Found German uncommonly harsh.                              
But when he felt flirty,                                    
He'd quote good old Goethe,                                 
Bellowing "Leck' mich im Arsch!"                            
                                                            
 4153 ASSES - MASSAGED               Martin Guy               



Dave has no problem ass kissin';                            
Saying no, would be an act of dissin'.                      
He puckers his lips,                                        
Not giving two shits;                                       
Says: Hey, look at the money you're missin!                 
                                                            
 4154 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



There was a young fellow called Danny,                      
Who went out with a girl called Annie.                      
His friend was called Rick                                  
Who'd massage his own prick,                                
While licking the fanny of Annie.                           
                                                            
 4155 ASSES - MASSAGED               HoorayHenry              



There was a masseur at the club                             
Who, when giving the members a rub,                         
Sometimes would botch                                       
His job on the crotch,                                      
But on asses he never would flub.                           
                                                            
 4156 ASSES - MASSAGED               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There's a fact that one cannot ignore:                      
It's the tall girl that most men adore.                     
Yet the girl who's petite                                   
Has as pretty a seat                                        
Which you don't have to reach as far for.                   
                                                            
 4157 ASSES - MASSAGED               Bob Giandomenico    P9102



Scratching my ass is a fault                                
That I promised that I'd quickly halt.                      
It really looks bad;                                        
I feel like a cad--                                         
But this is my only asphalt.                                
                                                            
 4158 ASSES - MASSAGED               Al Willis           P9506



If it's true that guys don't make passes                    
At those lasses who must wear glasses.                      
Then why is it true,                                        
That I have seen you                                        
Quite frequently pat those girls' asses?                    
                                                            
 4159 ASSES - MASSAGED               Marlene Lewis            



There's a pretty girl working at Dabbers;                   
She doesn't mind grouches or crabbers.                      
But like most of her sex                                    
She firmly objects                                          
To the lecherous patters and grabbers.                      
                                                            
 4160 ASSES - MASSAGED               John E Mayhood     P9711 



The Australian gal pardoned my blunder.                     
But my action, it seemed, had quite stunned her.            
Yes, I'd make my attack                                     
On her lovely outback,                                      
When I reached out and pinched her down under.              
                                                            
 4161 ASSES - MASSAGED               Neal Wilgus         P8611



The Renaissance man Don Giovanni                            
Pinched Lady Windermere's fanny.                            
The lights were so low,                                     
How could he know                                           
She wasn't his nanny or granny?                             
                                                            
 4162 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Jambor          P9102



There once was a fellow named Blass,                        
Who squeezed on the tits of a lass.                         
She said, "That won't do,                                   
And although I don't screw,                                 
I would rather you fondled my ass."                         
                                                            
 4163 ASSES - MASSAGED               Bob Birch           P0209



Hard at work on the job was young Baird;                    
He was asked by a friend how he fared.                      
He replied, "At a loss --                                   
I've been reamed by the boss,                               
And I felt that his nails were not pared."                  
                                                            
 4164 ASSES - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1936



There was an Old Man of Madras,                             
Who sat on a cream-colored ass;                             
But it wouldn't have been                                   
If he only had seen                                         
That the lady was prone on the grass.                       
                                                            
 4165 ASSES - MASSAGED               Edwardian Leer 086       



On your ass I'll spread the tan lotion,                     
With a firm circular motion.                                
But then it's your turn,                                    
'Cause I don't want to burn,                                
In the heat of your love potion!                            
                                                            
 4166 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



I'll massage you with oils aromatic                         
And finger-tip motions emphatic                             
From shoulders to bum                                       
And from nipples to tum                                     
And below 'til you're feeling ecstatic.                     
                                                            
 4167 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



A tart offered "For just a small sum,                       
I'll allow you to tickle my bum."                           
Then she said, rather blunt,                                
"Hey, that was my cunt!"                                    
"Well surprise, that wasn't my thumb!"                      
                                                            
 4168 ASSES - MASSAGED               Marty                    



A buxom young miss from Cape Hatteras                       
Was irked, because few men looked at her ass.               
She packed and left home;                                   
Now she's happy in Rome,                                    
Where the men on the via all pat her ass.                   
                                                            
 4169 ASSES - MASSAGED               Don Boen            P8201



Said an innocent bowler named Crumm,                        
While massaging his fiancee's bum,                          
"My fingers, I know,                                        
Are where they should go,                                   
But what has become of my thumb?"                           
                                                            
 4170 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



A magician so learned and wise                              
Gave his audiences thrills and surprise.                    
A young girl's levitation                                   
Received much approbation;                                  
With his thumb up her ass she would rise.                   
                                                            
 4171 ASSES - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin            



You'll love that soft feather, my lass.                     
I promise that I won't harass                               
Your sphincter most Holy,                                   
Though fingering it slowly                                  
May lead to my tongue in your ass.                          
                                                            
 4172 ASSES - MASSAGED                                        



A Chinese massage, had for free,                            
Is just what she needed, you see.                           
A prod in the taint?                                        
She thought she would faint!                                
(I guess I raised way too much Qi.)                         
                                                            
 4173 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Lord Frederick Faversham-Finch                              
At balls, like the dames he could pinch.                    
But one night he went wrong                                 
When he pinched Lady Strong,                                
Who stood six foot eight, if an inch.                       
                                                            
 4174 ASSES - MASSAGED               Warrick Elrod            



I follow young mums as a rule,                              
'Round 8:00, when it's still fairly cool,                   
And not yet grown muggy;                                    
With babe in a buggy,                                       
And older kid walking to school.                            
                                                            
 4175 ASSES - MASSAGED               Tiddy Ogg                



The babe throws out one of its toys,                        
Mum bends down to fetch it, what joys!                      
I oft get a view                                            
Of a nice cheek or two,                                     
It's time for my favourite ploys...                         
                                                            
 4176 ASSES - MASSAGED               Tiddy Ogg                



I've ice cubes concealed in my clothes,                     
I hold 'em - and get kinda froze,                           
But then I can grope,                                       
In the sure certain hope,                                   
That she'll think that it's just my dog's nose.             
                                                            
 4177 ASSES - MASSAGED               Tiddy Ogg                



The dog's getting somewhat confused,                        
As by some strange gals he's abused.                        
But each day with Fido,                                     
That same journey I go,                                     
'Cause most of those gals are amused.                       
                                                            
 4178 ASSES - MASSAGED               Tiddy Ogg                



She screeched that the alte cockers                         
Tried to knick her knockers.                                
With ribald snickers                                        
They knocked her knickers                                   
And kept rocking in the rockers                             
                                                            
 4179 ASSES - MASSAGED               Jim Jambor          P9103



There was an old Scotsman of Fife                           
Who had felt, in the course of his life,                    
Scores of well-rounded ends                                 
Of the wives of his friends,                                
And likewise the friends of his wife.                       
                                                            
 4180 ASSES - MASSAGED               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady of Russia,                           
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;                 
Her screams were extreme,                                   
No one heard such a scream.                                 
She'd been goosed by the Archduke of Prussia.               
                                                            
 4181 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Edwardian Leer 006  P9306



There was a young fellow named Brewster,                    
Who said to his wife as he goosed her.                      
"It used to be grand,                                       
But just look at my hand;                                   
You ain't wiping as clean as you used to."                  
                                                            
 4182 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                          L0674



There was a young lady named Spruce,                        
Whose favorite thrill was a goose.                          
Just the sight of a thumb                                   
Made her tokus all numb,                                    
And her bowels got excited, and loose.                      
                                                            
 4183 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                          L0515



Miss Smith, and old maid, was quite dour;                   
Her face in a frown, always sour.                           
Till some randy old rooster                                 
Came along and he goosed her                                
And she giggled for nearly an hour.                         
                                                            
 4184 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      John Miller 0052         



It's because you are dull and obtuse,                       
You object to such fun as a "goose".                     ]  
But despite all your growls,                                
A good goose loosens bowels,                                
Which proves that a goose has a use.                        
                                                            
 4185 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Grand Prix Lim  932      



A lewd in Toulouse on the loose                             
Gave fat-bottomed biddies the goose.                        
Said one with delight,                                      
"My bowels have been tight,                                 
But since gettin the goose, they're toulouse!"              
                                                            
 4186 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Grand Prix Lim  188      



A young farmerette from Toulouse                            
At market did sell her produce.                             
As she selling did quicken,                                 
A man asked for a chicken,                                  
But all that he got was a goose.                            
                                                            
 4187 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Albin Chaplin            



It may have been Wayne or been Shuster,                     
But whichever it was, it amused her.                        
When Shuster or Wayne                                       
Clambered on to a plane,                                    
And then got off at Gander and goosed her.                  
                                                            
 4188 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Hugh Oliver           22c



There was a Young Lady of Portugal,                         
Whose ideas were excessively nautical;                      
She climbed up a tree                                       
To examine the sea,                                         
And was goosed by a branch horticultural.                   
                                                            
 4189 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Edwardian Leer 042       



There was a young lady from Brewster,                       
Whose ass was so nice that I goosed her.                    
But her panties were thin                                   
And my finger slipped in;                                   
It still doesn't smell like it used ter.                    
                                                            
 4190 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Kevin's Limerick Page    



I once knew a lady named Marian,                            
Who worked as our local librarian.                          
I quite often goosed 'er;                                   
She'd scream and she used ter                               
Drop all of the books she was carryin'.                     
                                                            
 4191 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                               



She'd bend down to get them, we'd snicker,                  
And hope for a glimpse of her knicker.                      
But no, she wore none,                                      
Which gave us more fun;                                     
She'd order us boys all to lick 'er.                        
                                                            
 4192 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                               



The librarian never got tired                               
(But you nearly caused her to get fired!),                  
Of your goosing and licking                                 
And the times of your dicking,                              
Just think -- all the books you have sired!                 
                                                            
 4193 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                               



Old Bernie, that high stepping rooster,                     
Was accused by a chick that he goosed her.                  
If she knew the truth                                       
Of his ill-spent youth,                                     
She is lucky he hadn't seduced her.                         
                                                            
 4194 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Shelby Forrest           



The sweet little tip or bribe, DOUCEUR,                     
Is meant to keep business deals looser,                     
But mostly, you see,                                        
I am the goosee,                                            
Rather than the one who is gooser.                          
                                                            
 4195 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Daniel Ford              



A ticklish young titter named Lucy                          
Cried, "I'm not only ticklish, I'm goosey.                  
A thumb in my bum                                           
Makes me peepee and come,                                   
And does my cunt ever get juicy!"                           
                                                            
 4196 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                          G0119



Did I tell of the gal from St Paul,                         
Who would swallow me up, balls and all?                     
One day when I missed her,                                  
I fondled her sister,                                       
And goosed her old mom in the hall.                         
                                                            
 4197 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Bob Birch                



The bird's cooking, basted with juice,                      
And eggnog is getting you loose;                            
If your woman is twitchin,                                  
For help in the kitchen,                                    
There's nothin' quite like a fat goose!                     
                                                            
 4198 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                               



A nasty young joker named Bruce,                            
Used to greet all his friends with a goose,                 
'Till it came to a stop                                     
In a handful of flop,                                       
From some bowels that were terribly loose.                  
                                                            
 4199 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                          L0675



A prim little miss down in Brewster,                        
Claimed no man had ever seduced her.                        
Although she'd turned her back                              
To the entire pack,                                         
There were many who more than just goosed her.              
                                                            
 4200 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Pierce Evans             



There once was a fellow named Proust,                       
Who dreamed he was being seduced.                           
He woke in confusion,                                       
But it was an illusion;                                     
By a lump in the bed he'd been goosed.                      
                                                            
 4201 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An airliner hostess from Tucson                             
Said, "Passengers given to goosin',                         
I slug in the snoot...                                      
They may think goosin's cute                                
But it causes my morals to loosen.                          
                                                            
 4202 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Grand Prix Lim  613      



"I was geesed," cried attractive Miss Huntz.                
Said her girl friend, "Now don't be a dunce.                
The expression you've used                                  
Is quite wrong. Please say 'goosed.'"                       
"But," said Huntz, "I was goosed more than once."           
                                                            
 4203 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Isaac Asimov             



"I was geesed," said the girl, "at the fount."              
Said her friend, "Pray try to surmount                      
Your mistakes. I've deduced                                 
What you want's, the word 'goosed'."                        
But she freezingly said, "I can count."                     
                                                            
 4204 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Isaac Asimov             



This shortage of cooks has produced,                        
More kitchen-wise males that it used,                       
Like that man of Galantry,                                  
Who, leaving the pantry,                                    
Remarked, "Well, my cook is goosed!"                        
                                                            
 4205 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                               



There was an old lady of Brewster,                          
Who would mutter whenever I goosed her,                     
"You're loosing the knack,                                  
And you're missing the crack,                               
'Cause it don't feel as good as it use-ter."                
                                                            
 4206 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Isaac Asimov             



I was courting a girl in Nanoose,                           
But she thought I was much too obtuse.                      
It was just my bad luck                                     
That I gave her a duck --                                   
What she wanted, I think, was a goose.                      
                                                            
 4207 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      John E Mayhood      P0900



Isaac the famous seducer,                                   
Will meet a young lass and conduce her,                     
To let him get fresh                                        
With her quivering flesh,                                   
But if there isn't time, he'll just goose her.              
(conduce - to bring together)                               
 4208 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                               



A curvacious young woman from Worcester                     
Was outraged when a passer-by goosed her.                   
She said, "I'm no prude,                                    
But the fellow was rude.                                    
Such behaviour is not what I'm useter."                     
                                                            
 4209 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Edward Leer              



There was a young fellow of Wooster                         
With the tact of a strutting old rooster.                   
When a girl near him bent                                   
To retrieve a dropped cent,                                 
He just quick stepped behind her and goosed her.            
                                                            
 4210 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Isaac Asimov             



There was a young matron of Cooser,                         
Whose spouse would do nothing but goose her.                
While he watched through a crack,                           
She bared for a black,                                      
And, boy!, did that bugger seduce her.                      
                                                            
 4211 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                          G0553



A randy old Moose of Toulouse                               
Loved to give giddy girlies the goose.                      
Though of germs highly sceptic,                             
He would use antiseptic                                     
Before his thumb went into use.                             
                                                            
 4212 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                          G2533



At Christmas a joker named Wise                             
Thought to give his dear wife a surprise.                   
'Twas a big Christmas goose,                                
But her bowels were loose;                                  
The surprise was on Wise, we surmise.                       
                                                            
 4213 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Al Chaplin          P0302



Taking leadership's something I fear,                       
When I see my competitors' leer.                            
It's just what I dread,                                     
Being one step ahead                                        
Of the pack, coming right up my rear.                       
                                                            
 4214 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309



While tucked up in bed with some Proust,                    
I was suddenly and violently goosed.                        
When I turned around,                                       
To my horror I found                                        
Barb Courtland with corsets unloosed!                       
                                                            
 4215 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Bill Wall                



The Hungarian charm of young Drill,                         
Gives gals who love goosing a thrill.                       
Before thumbing their bum,                                  
He warms up his thumb,                                      
So the goose is all thrill and no chill.                    
                                                            
 4216 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                          G0963



An avid bird-watcher named Rose,                            
Was bent over, adjusting her hose.                          
She forgot about Mike                                       
Along on the hike;                                          
Now she knows where the wild goose goes.                    
                                                            
 4217 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED                               



An incredibly lecherous rooster,                            
Was arrested for ardor in Worcester.                        
He had not been let loose,                                  
Since an indignant moose,                                   
Swore that, given a boost, he had goosed her.               
                                                            
 4218 ASSES - MASSAGED - GOOSED      Cybergeezer              



An upset young lady cried, "Lex,                            
Please for once get your mind off of sex!                   
Of all my anatomy                                           
You pick on the prat o' me...                               
And it's starting to show its effects."                     
                                                            
 4219 ASSES - NICE                   Grand Prix Lim  285      



There once was a young lad from Bantry,                     
Who followed Sweet Kate to the pantry.                      
He did this to find                                         
How she moved her behind,                                   
And whether she'd ants in her pantry.                       
                                                            
 4220 ASSES - NICE                   Irene Livingston         



Oh!  Mrs. Humby, Mrs. Humby                                 
(Oh, how can your kisses so numb be?)                       
If your face is so fair                                     
Thats exposed to the air,                                   
How beautifully white must your bum be.                     
(published 1882)                                            
 4221 ASSES - NICE                                       G0365



Then there was a man of Cathay.                             
Who said to a lady one day,                                 
"I've got nothing in mind,                                  
Except your behind,                                         
And that in a very big way!"                                
                                                            
 4222 ASSES - NICE                                       G0288



A Scottish lad was eyeing a lass.                           
His thoughts were not pure, but were crass.                 
"I like 'em full breasted,                                  
And this one's flat chested,                                
But she does have one hell of an ass!"                      
                                                            
 4223 ASSES - NICE                                            



A sweet callipygian lass                                    
Used to drive the boys wild; it was crass.                  
When they asked her, "How come?"                            
She replied, "With my bum:                                  
It's not only mass, dears, it's class!"                     
                                                            
 4224 ASSES - NICE                   Anon                     



Some troops of the French Foreign Legion                    
Were sent to a tropical region.                             
Arriving they viewed                                        
All girls in the nude,                                      
And said they were all callipygian.                         
(callipygian - beautiful ass)                               
 4225 ASSES - NICE                   Philo Logue         P8312



I enjoy making love to a dame                               
With a fine callipygian frame.                              
I'll admit if I must                                        
To some lust for the bust,                                  
But the feeling just isn't the same.                        
                                                            
 4226 ASSES - NICE                                            



Callipygious ladies are fine,                               
Especially when I've had some wine;                         
Both Rubens and I                                           
Just cannot see why                                         
One might spurn such sirens supine.                         
                                                            
 4227 ASSES - NICE                   Chris Papa               



There once was a lady from Butte                            
Whose butt was exceedingly cute.                            
Montanans of class                                          
Who admired her ass,                                        
Were thought of as very astute.                             
                                                            
 4228 ASSES - NICE                                            



He has plenty of nice muscle mass,                          
But has little style and no class.                          
And although upstairs                                       
There is little but air,                                    
She does like his cute little ass.                          
                                                            
 4229 ASSES - NICE                   Peter                    



For you Angela, my dear,                                    
You have cutest sweet rear.                                 
I'd shoot in a minute                                       
If I were in it;                                            
Would it help if I bought you a beer?                       
                                                            
 4230 ASSES - NICE                                            



My legs are worn down to a stump,                           
But I'm keeping my eyes on your rump,                       
Which I'm eager to paddle                                   
So jump off your saddle;                                    
I'll give you my bicycle pump.                              
                                                            
 4231 ASSES - NICE                                            



Men seldom make many passes                                 
At girls who are wearing glasses,                           
Unless see-through shirts                                   
And short mini-skirts                                       
Don't hide those exceptional asses.                         
                                                            
 4232 ASSES - NICE                   Al Lichtman              



As long as a filly is fair,                                 
They sway of her round derriere                             
Will not way away                                           
Unobserved any day...                                       
As long as there's fellows to stare.                        
                                                            
 4233 ASSES - NICE                   Grand Prix Lim   31      



I once loved a girl in Eau Claire.                          
I left when she started to share                            
Her love, and I'm sure                                      
He's still there with her,                                  
Enjoying that fine dairy air.                               
                                                            
 4234 ASSES - NICE                   Dennis Taylor            



I hope you will not take offense                            
But use your own fine common sense.                         
He bought the cow;                                          
You can go now                                              
And get the milk through the fence.                         
                                                            
 4235 ASSES - NICE                   Puff Adder               



A platoon of the French Foreign Legion,                     
In an otherwise desolate region,                            
Met indigenous frails                                       
With protuberant tails,                                     
Ascertainably all callipygian.                              
(callipygian - beautiful ass)                               
 4236 ASSES - NICE                   R. J. Winkler       P8406



The round rosy rear of Miss Greer,                          
Has been voted the "Arse of the Year",                      
By the nudists who know her,                                
And it's hailed, further mo-er,                             
By the pratwatcher, cocksman, and queer.                    
                                                            
 4237 ASSES - NICE                                       G0347



There was a young rump from Racine,                         
Whose bottom was lovely and keen.                           
No wiggle or shook,                                         
It was hard as a book,                                      
When it blossomed, I squirted my bean.                      
                                                            
 4238 ASSES - NICE                   James Brynildsen         



I can't tell who's drunk and who's not;                     
Especially this one little snot.                            
Was he drunk or just rude?                                  
I know he was crude;                                        
He told me my "butt was sure hot."                          
                                                            
 4239 ASSES - NICE                   Marlene Lewis            



But why this poor lad would you scold?                      
Albeit, what he said was so bold?                           
You'd really turn red                                       
If this lad had said,                                       
"Hey, gal, your butt is sure cold!"                         
                                                            
 4240 ASSES - NICE                   Travis Brasell           



"Though flaws in her face are excessive,                    
I wish now I'd been more aggressive,"                       
He was heard to say                                         
As she walked away.                                         
"In hind-sight, she is quite impressive!"                   
                                                            
 4241 ASSES - NICE                                            



On the tits of a typist named Brenda,                       
Were inscribed every kind of agenda;                        
And first names of her bosses,                              
Their profits and losses,                                   
Were tattooed on her luscious pudenda.                      
                                                            
 4242 ASSES - NICE                                      G2272a



There was a young girl of Siberia                           
Who had such a tempting posterior                           
That the Lapps and the Finns                                
Kept inventing new sins                                     
As the recognized types were to stereo--                    
                                                            
 4243 ASSES - NICE                   T. S. Eliot         P9105



My friend studies jeanology,                                
A kind of reversed phrenology;                              
He studies the bumps                                        
Of blue-denimed rumps --                                    
Or maybe that's asstrology.                                 
                                                            
 4244 ASSES - NICE                                            



An ode to a sweet, lovely lass,                             
Whose beautiful heart-shaped ass,                           
Pulsated, gyrated,                                          
Kept me satiated,                                           
And made me rise blast after blast!                         
                                                            
 4245 ASSES - NICE                                            



When she walks on the beach, my girl Tess,                  
Her rear shows a lovely excess.                             
Her cute bathing suit                                       
Sends men in pursuit.                                       
It's true that she has a largesse.                          
                                                            
 4246 ASSES - NICE                   Al Willis                



An expatriate Brit, called "Monsieur,"                      
Of women and song, connoisseur,                             
Said, "For pieces I've known,                               
'There's No Place Like Home.'                               
It's 'Londonderriere' I prefeur."                           
                                                            
 4247 ASSES - NICE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



As she milked in the fresh dairy air,                       
She showed off her cute derriere,                           
Which drove the boys wild,                                  
But she simply smiled,                                      
And whistled the "Londonderry Air"                          
                                                            
 4248 ASSES - NICE                                            



As she milked in the fresh dairy air,                       
She showed off her cute derriere,                           
Which drove the boys wild.                                  
But she simply smiled,                                      
And whistled the Londonderry Aire.                          
                                                            
 4249 ASSES - NICE                   Murphy                   



From Bangor in Maine to Grants Pass,                        
Purists bad-mouth the feminine ass.                         
Well, on monkeys and such                                   
I agree overmuch,                                           
But thank God for a lush little lass!                       
                                                            
 4250 ASSES - NICE                                       G2354



They nicknamed her "Mini-skirt Anny";                       
The way she hooked men was uncanny.                         
But to be rudely frank,                                     
She had but to thank                                        
The magnificent shape of her fanny.                         
                                                            
 4251 ASSES - NICE                   W V Parsons         P9804



I can see that I need to be vicious                         
To be rid of your spam injudicious,                         
But the thought of your gluteus,                            
So maximus beauteous                                        
Makes my johnson enlarge, secretitious.                     
                                                            
 4252 ASSES - NICE                                            



A lissome young nympho named Anny                           
Is proud of her well-rounded fanny.                         
Its surging gyrations                                       
Cause lustful sensations;                                   
We'd hate to see Anny uncanny.                              
                                                            
 4253 ASSES - NICE                   Grand Prix Lim  275 P8208



"Got a hot little novel for sale.                           
It's called 'Girl With The Forty-Inch Tail,'"               
Said the bookseller, Joe.                                   
I replied, "Thanks, but no.                                 
I'll wait till it comes out in Braille."                    
                                                            
 4254 ASSES - NICE                   Michael Weinstein   P9406



This bonnie wee Irish young lass                            
Was endowed with great tits and nice ass.                   
But I had to leave her                                      
Because of a fever,                                         
And she had a problem with gas.                             
                                                            
 4255 ASSES - NICE                   Al Willis           T9710



The rear cheeks of a Chickie in Goshen                      
Cause strong men to drool by their motion.                  
If they promise hot fire                                    
Of gross sexual desire,                                     
It is more of a FACT than a notion.                         
                                                            
 4256 ASSES - NICE                   Grand Prix Lim  398      



There's a popular doxy from Syria                           
Whose front view could scarcely be drearier.                
But your day she would cheer,                               
If observed from the rear;                                  
Her success rests upon her posterior.                       
                                                            
 4257 ASSES - NICE                                       G0465



There was a young girl named Irene                          
Whose ass was fit for a queen.                              
She was found in the nude                                   
And successively screwed                                    
By Merril Lynch, Fenner & Beane.                            
                                                            
 4258 ASSES - NICE                                      G2193a



A pallid young lady named Bright,                           
Went to Spain on a cheap charter flight,                    
Where the sun overhead                                      
Turned her skin a bright red,                               
Except for her ass which stayed white.                      
                                                            
 4259 ASSES - NICE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



My neighbors think that you're quite brave,                 
'Cause one look made most of them rave.                     
"Look at that behind!                                       
E'Gad!  I've gone blind!"                                   
Is that any way to behave?                                  
                                                            
 4260 ASSES - NICE                                            



Those hot tasty buns are a treat;                           
I'd sample if you'd be discreet.                            
I would be a dunce                                          
To not try them just once...                                
I wonder how much I could eat?                              
                                                            
 4261 ASSES - NICE                                            



Oh, God, just to look at that ass!                          
How I hate to sound horny or crass,                         
But the view from the back                                  
And the "frontal lobe" stack,                               
Make me want to go down on you fast!                        
                                                            
 4262 ASSES - NICE                                            



There once lived a man named John                           
Who loved to wear black leather thongs.                     
He quite loved the touch                                    
Up his ass very much.                                       
He put things where they didn't belong.                     
                                                            
 4263 ASSES - PLUGGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a maiden from Worcester.                     
Who farted each time I seduced her.                         
So the problem I'd handle                                   
By using a candle                                           
For plugging her bung till I juiced her.                    
                                                            
 4264 ASSES - PLUGGED                Hugh Clary               



There was a young lady from Kent,                           
Who farted wherever she went.                               
She went to the fair,                                       
And dropped a few there,                                    
So they plugged her ass up with cement.                     
                                                            
 4265 ASSES - PLUGGED                                    G1404



An untutored Southwestern solon,                            
Couldn't tell his behind from a hole in                     
That good Texas ground,                                     
Till the day that he found,                                 
That oil wouldn't come out of his colon.                    
                                                            
 4266 ASSES - PLUGGED                                    L1615



Said a dame from society whose                              
Big fat butt couldn't pass her do-dos,                      
"A colostomy? Sure,                                         
It's a fashionable cure,                                    
But the bag simply must match my shoes."                    
                                                            
 4267 ASSES - PLUGGED                Don Moore           P0102



I used to be worried a bit,                                 
When dread constipation would hit,                          
But Ecstasy pills                                           
Have cured all my ills...                                   
For now, folks, I don't give a shit.                        
                                                            
 4268 ASSES - PLUGGED                Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a boy named Joel,                            
Whose mom had the eyes of a mole.                           
He thought it quite rude,                                   
When she gave him his food,                                 
For she stuffed it in the wrong hole.                       
                                                            
 4269 ASSES - PLUGGED                Uberfreak                



There was a young lady named Luby,                          
Who swallowed a five pound ruby.                            
She bet me a buck                                           
That it was stuck,                                          
In the folds of her rectal tubie.                           
                                                            
 4270 ASSES - PLUGGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Dennis                       
Who'd felch 'em like nobody's binness.                      
And when he was drunk,                                      
He'd gargle the spunk,                                      
And make his head froth like a Guinness.                    
                                                            
 4271 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



Annually, February fourteen                                 
Brings a change to the sexual routine.                      
Not her twat or her tongue,                                 
We just plug up her bung;                                   
Anally, if you know what I mean.                            
                                                            
 4272 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



In case you should fart me a lung-                          
Ful while working your puss with my tongue,                 
I shall bring some devices                                  
In several sizes,                                           
And fittings to stop up your bung.                          
                                                            
 4273 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



Little Tommy, to enhance his erection,                      
Stuffed his ass with his marble collection.                 
When he'd start to come,                                    
He'd squeeze tight his bum,                                 
And shoot them in every direction.                          
                                                            
 4274 ASSES - PLUGGED                John Chastaine           



And I can't help but wonder, my friend,                     
How far over did he make you bend,                          
To tickle your spleen.                                      
Were you only fifteen?                                      
Did you laugh or cry at the end?                            
                                                            
 4275 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



A lovely WAC captain named Val                              
Was well into bungholes, poor gal.                          
While lip-locking ass,                                      
Her staff would pass gas,                                   
Perversely enhancing morale.                                
                                                            
 4276 ASSES - PLUGGED                H Whelchel               



There was once a dumb bitch from Nantucket,                 
Whose ass got stuck in her bucket.                          
Her husband said, "Dear,                                    
I can't fuck from the rear!"                                
So he left her that night and said, "Fuck it."              
                                                            
 4277 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



There was a troubador named Joel,                           
Who could not always move his bowel.                        
On the throne he would sit                                  
(Though there came out no shit)                             
And said, "How can I open this hole?"                       
                                                            
 4278 ASSES - PLUGGED                Sir Egad                 



As a nurse, perhaps you have seen yer-                      
Self, some poor bloke with his weiner                       
Unfreeably stuck,                                           
When he gave it a suck                                      
With a Dust-Buster vacuum cleaner.                          
                                                            
 4279 ASSES - PLUGGED                Tiddy Ogg                



With this, you will probably turn green,                    
If I told you the things I have seen.                       
Flashlights, pipes, candles,                                
And umbrella handles,                                       
And the cord of a sewing machine.                           
                                                            
 4280 ASSES - PLUGGED                Kaylin                   



That reminds me of Rita von Heuge,                          
A chick from down south, Baton Rouge;                       
I'd have to unpack                                          
Quite a stack from her crack,                               
Before I could splash her with splooge.                     
                                                            
 4281 ASSES - PLUGGED                Hugh Clary               



There once was a lady named Harris,                         
That nothing seemed to embarrass,                           
Till the bath salts she shook,    (one day)                 
In the tub that she took,         (where she lay)           
Turned out to be plaster of Paris.                          
                                                            
 4282 ASSES - PLUGGED                Ogden Nash               



There once was a beach bum named Stan,                      
Whose girl thought his pecker was grand.                    
When they screwed on the beach,                             
With balls slapping her breech,                             
He plugged up her asshole with sand!                        
                                                            
 4283 ASSES - PLUGGED                Laurence Craft           



Said the nurse to the patient, "Oh dear,                    
Your symptoms are not very clear."                          
With his attention diverted,                                
She quickly inserted                                        
The thermometer into his rear.                              
                                                            
 4284 ASSES - PLUGGED                Edwin J Weinstein        



A very big girl from Kentucky                               
Told everyone she was lucky.                                
She found in her ass,                                       
After passing some gas,                                     
Her long long long lost rubber ducky.                       
                                                            
 4285 ASSES - PLUGGED                Aopos                    



Guthrie, that big pasty-faced boob                          
Has a passion for an old test tube.                         
That long piece of glass                                    
Found it's way up his ass;                                  
Now he's considering Rubik's cube.                          
                                                            
 4286 ASSES - PLUGGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A man both disgusting and crass                             
Poked a long rubber tube up his ass.                        
It wasn't the shit                                          
That caused him to quit;                                    
He was jailed for siphoning gas!                            
                                                            
 4287 ASSES - PLUGGED                Red Cervicalli           



There once was a man from Lancaster,                        
Who, while eating, had a disaster.                          
His bowels, well loaded,                                    
Swelled up and exploded,                                    
And filled his nice knickers with plaster.                  
                                                            
 4288 ASSES - PLUGGED                Phil McCracken           



An English prof faggot from Poland,                         
Had sundry things stuffed up his hole in                    
Hundreds of lengths.                                        
Sure, one of his strengths                                  
Is a masterful use of the colon.                            
                                                            
 4289 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



There once was a virginal lass                              
Who was born in old Boston of Mass.                         
When they said "tea party"                                  
She thought they said "part me,"                            
And showed everybody her ass.                               
                                                            
 4290 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



Along came a wicked young lad,                              
Who saw her and soon became glad                            
To be the first one                                         
To ream out her bum,                                        
For he was the first that she'd had.                        
                                                            
 4291 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



Atop the tea cart they did schtup,                          
Round and around like two pups.                             
"While there will you pour                                  
Some cream, and what's more,                                
Be careful you break not those cups"                        
                                                            
 4292 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



Said the host of this little soiree                         
Who, himself found a very good lay                          
In the lass's ripe bum,                                     
With the creamy smooth tum,                                 
Who herself was quite willing to play.                      
                                                            
 4293 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



The whole time my pecker was in her                         
Am I thinking "Dear God!  I'm a sinner!"                    
Hell no, what I'm thinkin'                                  
Is "This ass is stinkin'.                                   
I wonder what she had for dinner?"                          
                                                            
 4294 ASSES - PLUGGED                                         



To write a prescription, Doc Ben                            
Looked into his coat once again.                            
When he found a thermometer,                                
He was heard a kilometer,                                   
"Tell me what silly ass has my pen?"                        
                                                            
 4295 ASSES - PLUGGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2443



A whorish young lady named Cass                             
Tried to make a young fellow of class.                      
When she showed him her stunt,                              
He called her a cunt,                                       
And stuffed two dollar bills up her ass.                    
                                                            
 4296 ASSES - PLUGGED                                    G1754



Old Harry, who with piles is cursed,                        
Last night passed a turd fit to burst.                      
His ass and his cries                                       
Said that was the size                                      
Of a hedgehog, emerging tail first.                         
                                                            
 4297 ASSES - PLUGGED                Tiddy Ogg                



Old Harry, on further inspection,                           
Said, "Next time, for my own protection,                    
I'll bypass the pain,                                       
Avoiding the strain,                                        
And birth me a turd by C-Section!"                          
                                                            
 4298 ASSES - PLUGGED                Travis Brasell           



Said Arnold to Arthur Hugh Clough:                          
"Why don't I instantly stuff                                
Your Amours de Voyage                                       
Up my ass if it large,                                      
But I don't think it's quite large enough."                 
                                                            
 4299 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       Victor Gray              



There was a young lady from Wheeling,                       
Who was out in the garden a-kneeling,                       
When by some strange chance                                 
She got ants in her pants,                                  
And invented Virginia Reeling.                              
                                                            
 4300 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                           L1595



There was a buxom young lass,                               
Who went fishing one day for a bass.                        
One got loose                                               
And went up her caboose,                                    
And she said "This too will pass."                          
                                                            
 4301 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       Lynnd113@stratos.net     



In the meadow Bill said to Miss Greer,                      
"I find tail delightful out here...                         
But now that I'm stroking                                   
I hope you are joking,                                      
When you scream a bug's crawled up your rear!"              
                                                            
 4302 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       Grand Prix Lim  699      



Mr Hall ate his egg shells quite greasy,                    
Not feeling the slightest bit queasy.                       
They passed without fuss                                    
Down his esophagus,                                         
But their exit was not quite so easy.                       
                                                            
 4303 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       John Pickersgill         



No worries, the doctor is here                              
To remove that large bug from your rear.                    
A RECTAL-ECTOMY                                             
Is a quick surgery;                                         
Trust me, Ulla, there's nothing to fear.                    
                                                            
 4304 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                                



Poluncci became quite irate;                                
His ass in a terrible state.                                
His exit was blocked                                        
By the spewage from cock.                                   
Now he can't shit nor flatulate!                            
                                                            
 4305 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow named Kling                         
Who fucked with a kink in his thing.                        
When screwing a tart,                                       
She let go a fart --                                        
He now wears the poor thing in a sling.                     
                                                            
 4306 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                           G2031



In your rectum you keep a small zoo,                        
Some gerbils perhaps and a gnu,                             
Is all very well,                                           
But gets to be hell                                         
If they practice a round of Kung Fu.                        
                                                            
 4307 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       Cheryl                   



If you find a 'roo and you stick it                         
Up your ass with a fence made of picket,                    
Then add rhino and goose                                    
And a goat that is loose,                                   
You'd best hope they all don't play cricket.                
                                                            
 4308 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       Cheryl                   



There once was this lady who's Swiss,                       
Who went out to the lawn to piss.                           
A snake in the grass,                                       
Then entered her ass,                                       
And came out her hole with a hiss.                          
                                                            
 4309 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                                



While swimming across the Zambezi,                          
I knew life would never be easy.                            
For down on my dick                                         
Ten leeches did stick,                                      
And the snake up my butt made me queasy.                    
                                                            
 4310 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                                



A young student from Cambridge, Mass,                       
Once lusted after a young lass.                             
A long story short,                                         
He wasn't her sort.                                         
Now he sits with his thumb up his ass.                      
                                                            
 4311 ASSES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL       Phil T                   



There was this horney young lass,                           
Who like shoving things up her ass;                         
Odd pieces of lumber                                        
And phallic cucumbers                                       
And all during 9:30 Mass.                                   
                                                            
 4312 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC                               



There was a young lady named Annie                          
Who slipped on a peel of bananny.                           
She saw stars of blue,                                      
And every known hue--                                       
The bananny flew up Annie's fanny!                          
                                                            
 4313 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC                          G1975



There was a young girl of Pagonia                           
Who said to her man, "I will phone ya."                     
But something went wrong                                    
For he waited so long,                                      
That there grew from his ass a begonia.                     
                                                            
 4314 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Albin Chaplin   3024-0287



Tomorrow I travel to leeds,                                 
But I won't take a packet of seeds,                         
In case I ingest                                            
Them while getting undressed,                               
And I suffer a blockage of weeds.                           
                                                            
 4315 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Peter Wilkins            



The farmer in me wants to say:                              
Spend an hour on a nice warm bidet.                         
If you give it a go,                                        
With some miracle grow,                                     
You might shit a stunning bouquet.                          
                                                            
 4316 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Cap'n Truth              



I always leave carrots till last;                           
Merely etiquette I learned in my past.                      
Sure, I like them all right,                                
But its a horrible sight                                    
When grandma pulls them out of her ass!                     
                                                            
 4317 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Deep Goat          TP9807



Cashews are a wonderful nut;                                
So nicely they fit up the butt.                             
But, if you please,                                         
Try not to sneeze,                                          
Else you'll get a terrible cut.                             
                                                            
 4318 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC                               



There was a young fellow from Leeds,                        
Who swallowed a package of seeds.                           
Great tufts of grass         (Within an hour)               
Sprouted out of his ass,     (His prick was a flower,)      
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds.                     
(And his balls were all covered with weeds.)                
 4319 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Anon (L Reed)       L0185



There was a young man of Japan                              
Told his doctor, "I need a brain scan,                      
Because I can't crap                                        
Unless I take a nap."                                       
But the doc just prescribed him some bran.                  
                                                            
 4320 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Alexander Baron          



There was a fruit lover named Schnieder;                    
Apples jammed up her butt did excite her.                   
She cried and lamented                                      
When they hissed and fermented,                             
And dribbled out hot apple cider.                           
                                                            
 4321 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a woman from Watton,                         
Who stuffed up her fanny with Cotton.                       
She went for a swim                                         
With her husband named Jim,                                 
And her fanny swelled up and went rotten.                   
                                                            
 4322 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Dean Colchester          



There was an old man of Mongolia                            
Who suffered a strange melancholia.                         
He sat for long hours                                       
And thought just of flowers,                                
Till there grew from his ass, a magnolia.                   
                                                            
 4323 ASSES - PLUGGED - BOTANIC      Albin Chaplin   3024-2196



'Twas Goeth who said, "Brains for molasses                  
Have those who think crimes upon masses                     
Are humor devoid;                                           
Their minds are destroyed                                   
From keeping their heads up their asses.                    
                                                            
 4324 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Travis Brasell           



That old dirty troll, "Pervert Jim",                        
Stuck his head up his ass on a whim.                        
He's doubly immoral;                                        
For him to give oral,                                       
Someone else must now sodomize him!                         
                                                            
 4325 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Ward Hardman             



If you're lost in a funk and, alas,                         
It's quite dark and you keep smelling gas,                  
Good heavens above,                                         
You're not really in love,                                  
You've just got your head up your ass!                      
                                                            
 4326 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Writerman                



There once was a man named Dinwiddie                        
Who thought he deserved the worlds pity;                    
Living in fear                                              
With his head in his rear;                                  
No wonder his outlook was shitty.                           
                                                            
 4327 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



What's worse than to be crushed by boulders,                
Or choked by a fire when it smolders?                       
No doubt it is this:                                        
A mister or miss                                            
With ass firmly affixed to the shoulders.                   
                                                            
 4328 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Travis Brasell           



Cranio-Rectal Syndrome,                                     
When one's think-pot has found a new home,                  
Shoved up one's own ass,                                    
Be they laddy or lass.                                      
It's a medical term in my tome.                             
                                                            
 4329 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL                               



There once was a retard named Jim;                          
There was nobody dumber than him.                           
He would post on Usenet,                                    
Since he lacked girls to pet,                               
And he never scored one bit of quim.                        
                                                            
 4330 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Ward Hardman             



Jim loved to hear old Victor Herbert,                       
But he was a bit of a pervert.                              
So he found late night work,                                
As a gay soda-jerk,                                         
Putting "cream" toppings on sherbert.                       
                                                            
 4331 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Ward Hardman             



The story, please!  How it came to pass,                    
That Jim smith got his head up his ass?                     
Just like a naked fat                                       
African mole-rat,                                           
He licked his rear for lunch.  'Twas so crass!              
                                                            
 4332 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Ward Hardman             



In the course of this tricky maneuver,                      
He licked so eagerly his manure,                            
He fell down, that poor "mole",                             
Driving head into hole,                                     
Assuring endless supply of ordure.                          
                                                            
 4333 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Ward Hardman             



My uncle's a jerk, says his wife;                           
With his head up his ass all his life.                      
While I'm clutching at straws,                              
Do you think this might cause                               
A quite shitty outlook on life?                             
                                                            
 4334 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL      Al Willis          TP9807



"Dear doctor, I know it's a pain,                           
But my son's got his head stuck again.                      
Yes, I know that in sauce-                                  
Pans it happens, of course;                                 
But it's jammed up his wee sister Jane."                    
                                                            
 4335 ASSES - PLUGGED - CRANIAL                               



There once was a fellow named Scoop,                        
Who tried, but he just couldn't poop,                       
Till his newlywed bride                                     
Got his grunties to slide,                                  
With her hearty asparagus soup.                             
                                                            
 4336 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED        Cap'n Bean               



Oh Doctor, he wailed, I can't bear it!                      
Again, said the Doc, You won't tear it.                     
So down the man stooped                                     
And, red-faced, he pooped                                   
And out popped a wee baby carrot.                           
                                                            
 4337 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED                                 



Quoth the coroner's jury in Preston,                        
"The verdict is rectal congestion."                         
They found an eight-ball                                    
With a shoemaker's awl,                                     
Halfway up the Major's intestine.                           
                                                            
 4338 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED                            L1322



There was a young fellow named Martin,                      
Whose penis was painfully caught in                         
A ugly whore's butt,                                        
Till the bloody old slut,                                   
Expelled the damn thing by fartin'.                         
                                                            
 4339 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED                            G2038



A mathematician named Hensill                               
Suffered feculence quite large and tensile.                 
But the fellow, no fool                                     
When he voided his stool                                    
Worked the problem out with a sharp pencil.                 
                                                            
 4340 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED        Bob Giandomenico    P9107



A nervous young fellow named Dwight                         
Thought a goose in his sleep impolite;                      
So he covered his ass                                       
And made an impasse                                         
Against things that go bump in the night.                   
                                                            
 4341 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Some prudes think this is a repository,                     
Of crudeness, a semen depository.                           
They say we offend: "Oh,                                    
Please use innuendo."...                                    
What use an Italian suppository?                            
                                                            
 4342 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED                                 



To the doctor went old lady Castle,                         
And he stuffed up her ass with a tassel.                    
When she asked him the reason,                              
He replied, amidst wheezin'                                 
"I have plugged up the leak in your ass'le."                
                                                            
 4343 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED        Albin Chaplin   3024-1196



A man from Southern Nantucket                               
Took a shit in a big rusty bucket.                          
He got wedged in that pail,                                 
An embarrassing tale...                                     
It was only a fart that unstuck it.                         
                                                            
 4344 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED                                 



A professor of math named "Old Ben"                         
Had made love to hundreds of men.                           
His quick solution                                          
To colon pollution?                                         
Work it out with a paper and pen!                           
                                                            
 4345 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED                                 



If you find that you're in a rush,                          
And you're colon just will not flush,                       
Don't sit and linger;                                       
Just used your old finger;                                  
It's quicker than laxative mush!                            
                                                            
 4346 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED                                 



A dunce had a bowel so impacted                             
That not even flatulence acted.                             
He took a large knife                                       
And endangered his life,                                    
When his excrement, he then extracted.                      
                                                            
 4347 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED        Gearhart                 



A lady of joy and adventure                                 
Was fucked by a pervert named Bencher.                      
When he left, she had gas                                   
And a pain in the ass,                                      
Till the doctor removed Bencher's denture.                  
                                                            
 4348 ASSES - PLUGGED - FIXED        Albin Chaplin   3024-0786



A construction worker thought it a howl,                    
To address women with language most foul.                   
Till a dyke on a bike                                       
Took a dislike...                                           
There's now a beer can in his bowel.                        
                                                            
 4349 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL        Cruelty Jones       T9710



A young man from famed Chittagong,                          
Worked hard at stool and worked long.                       
He felt a hard mass,                                        
Obstructing his ass,                                        
Then shit and cried, "I shit a gong!"                       
                                                            
 4350 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                            L1602



Young Sandra found, lying in the dirt,                      
A cellphone with vibra alert.                               
Before she would sleep,                                     
She'd push it in deep,                                      
And orgasm until it hurt.                                   
                                                            
 4351 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                                 



The novelty grew a tad weary;                               
Her palms grew a little too hairy.                          
So this little lass                                         
Pushed it up her ass,                                       
And she developed dysentery.                                
                                                            
 4352 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                                 



Off to the hospital she rushed                              
Embarrased, her rosy cheeks blushed.                        
"Which cheeks?", do wonder ...                              
The ones way down under.                                    
The others got just a tad flushed.                          
                                                            
 4353 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                                 



The doctor tried getting it out                             
With fingers, and even his mouth.                           
The phone wouldn't budge.                                   
Amidst all that sludge,                                     
He couldn't get it to move south.                           
                                                            
 4354 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                                 



Then he came up with this great idea                        
And asked "How did it get inside 'ya "                      
"Like this", she replied --                                 
(Her ass opened wide)                                       
And out fell the phone, I won't lie t'ya.                   
                                                            
 4355 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                                 



There once was a slumlord named Max,                        
Who didn't patch leaks, much less cracks.                   
He tried to evict                                           
A Celt and a Pict.                                          
They went up his ass with an axe.                           
                                                            
 4356 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                                 



A masochist living in Kabul,                                
Like rubbing his balls in the pool.                         
Think that's bad?  It was nothing.                          
He was once caught out stuffing                             
His ass with nails and steel wool.                          
                                                            
 4357 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL        Robert Elliot            



A fiendish old fossil named Fife                            
Stuffed old razorblades up his wife.                        
He leered: "She's quite cut up,                             
And is does rust her butt up,                               
But it certainly simplifies life!"                          
                                                            
 4358 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL                            G2332



There was a young fellow so queer,                          
Who nightly would drink lots of beer,                       
Then he'd pee in the grass                                  
With beer cans up his ass,                                  
Bent over to show off his rear.                             
                                                            
 4359 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL        Barbara Cunningham  P9506



He swallowed a watch, did Paul Tasses;                      
So tender and sore now his ass is.                          
He grunts and he strains...                                 
The result of his pains?                                    
At last there's success as time passes.                     
                                                            
 4360 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL        Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a young man of Cuba                          
Who buggered himself with a tuba.                           
Impaled on the horn,                                        
He looked most forlorn,                                     
Regretting he'd not used a goober.  (peanut)                
                                                            
 4361 ASSES - PLUGGED - METAL        Pierce Evans             



I fitted my dog with a cork,                                
Then went to the zoo for a walk.                            
It proved quite unsavory,                                   
'Cause down by the aviary,                                  
It blew, and near smothered the stork.                      
                                                            
 4362 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD                                  



There once was this dude from New Yawk,                     
Who plugged up his ass with a cawk.                         
He said with great wit,                                     
"I don't give a shit,                                       
And each day it gets harder to walk."                       
                                                            
 4363 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Writerman                



"Yee-ikes!!" bellowed old farmer Giles,                     
As he slipped climbing over the stiles.                     
How he shouted and wailed                                   
As he sat there impaled,                                    
With a fence-post eroding his piles.                        
                                                            
 4364 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Peter Wilkins            



There was an old man of Korea,                              
Who developed severe diarrhea.                              
He cried out, "Alas!                                        
I must cork up my ass!"                                     
And he found that a true panacea.                           
                                                            
 4365 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD                                  



There was a young girl from Dundee,                         
From her fanny there grew a plum tree.                      
No one ate the nice fruit,                                  
To tell you the truth,                                      
Because they knew it came from her rooty-toot-toot.         
                                                            
 4366 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD                             G1494



An old Irish peer called Lord Seamus                        
Inserted large things in his anus.                          
When a telegraph pole                                       
Went right up his hole,                                     
He really became rather famous.                             
                                                            
 4367 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD                                  



There was a wee young Irish lass,                           
With a Christmas tree stuck up her ass.                     
"I really don't mind me                                     
Having pine in my heinie,                                   
But the tinsel is giving me gas!"                           
                                                            
 4368 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Violet              T9712



Pharaoh, a hard-working stork,                              
Was delivering a baby in York.                              
It pooped in its diaper;                                    
The stork had no wiper,                                     
And so he inserted a cork.                                  
                                                            
 4369 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Nancy Henry-Kline   P9305



There once was a girl from New York,                        
Who said she'd accept no one's dork.                        
Then along came a queer,                                    
Who stuck it up her rear;                                   
Now she guards both her holes with a cork.                  
                                                            
 4370 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         John Miller 0326         



A dependable fellow named Phipps                            
Worked hard at his job drilling strips.                     
And more points did amass                                   
With a broom up his ass,                                    
For while working, he swept up the chips.                   
                                                            
 4371 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Albin Chaplin   3024-2228



A theater faggot named Tim                                  
Impaled his ass on a limb.                                  
He thought that the wood                                    
Would really feel good,                                     
'Cause it packed his fudge to the brim.                     
                                                            
 4372 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Gloria.                         
Who cavorted nude in the floria.                            
She once sat on a stump,                                    
It penetrated her rump,                                     
And the sensation was one of euphoria.                      
                                                            
 4373 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Jim Weaver Collection    



One day a coalminer was shovelling coal,                    
When a shovel was shoved right up in his hole.              
The doctor inserted a bloody great hook,                    
But in no time at all, that also was stuck;                 
Then a pole-vaulter came with a fifteen foot pole.          
                                                            
 4374 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Professor                



The pole joined the shovel and hook that was stuck,         
Someone thought of a rope to be pulled by a truck.          
The rope was inserted but it was too thick,                 
So to make some more room they removed balls and prick.     
Now the miner, castrated, could not give a fuck.            
                                                            
 4375 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Professor                



A bishop passed by with a very nice crook,                  
They used it to poke in a well greased young duck.          
They used a young duck for lack of a goose,                 
But nothing they tried would get the things loose.          
Constipated, he died -- now that's awful bad luck           
                                                            
 4376 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Professor                



The demons in Hades flocked round him with glee,            
And with flaming hot tridents they soon had him free.       
Tools must always be hot, the correct shape and size        
To astonish, amaze, amuse, and sir, prise!                  
Girls, choose your tools carefully -- why not choose me.    
                                                            
 4377 ASSES - PLUGGED - WOOD         Professor                



A lady from old Alabama,                                    
Wore just one half of a pajama.                             
When she would turn,                                        
The view from astern,                                       
Presented a fine panorama.                                  
                                                            
 4378 ASSES - VIEWED                 Larry J. Davis      P8411



The doctor who served old King Cole,                        
Who constantly called for his bowl,                         
And his three wretched viols,                               
Said he'd never have piles,                                 
Because he was a perfect asshole.                           
                                                            
 4379 ASSES - VIEWED                 A. N. Wilkins       P8308



A young British lady of Bude,                               
Once walked down the steet in the nude.                     
A bobby said, "Whattam                                      
Agnificent bottom!"                                         
And slapped it as hard as he could.                         
                                                            
 4380 ASSES - VIEWED                                     L0137



A young bathing beauty at Bude                              
Paraded the prom in the nude;                               
She really had got a m-                                     
agnificent bottom,                                          
And thought it deserved to be viewed.                       
                                                            
 4381 ASSES - VIEWED                 Harold C Bibby           



There was a damsel in a dress,                              
Who caused quite an uproar, I guess.                        
Her skirts, they did fly, clear up to the sky.              
The exposure was rare, but we didn't care.                  
The big derriere was uncovered and bare,                    
And everything else was a mess.                             
 4382 ASSES - VIEWED                 Ed Rich                  



A vigorous fellow named Bert,                               
Was attracted by every new skirt.                           
Oh, it wasn't their minds                                   
But their rounded behinds,                                  
That excited this loveable flirt.                           
                                                            
 4383 ASSES - VIEWED                                     L1375



For years, Barbara strummed and sang sweetly;               
She charmed everybody completely.                           
And so by some quirk,                                       
She published her work                                      
(She peddled the volume discretely.)                        
(Barbara Tabler's self published collection.)               
 4384 ASSES - VIEWED                 Norm Storer         P9511



Well, one of the purchasers snapped                         
That the cover showed Barbara unwrapped;                    
She answered, "Don't scream,                                
Consider the theme:                                         
For big ditties, nudity's apt.   (titties?)                 
                                                            
 4385 ASSES - VIEWED                 Norm Storer         P9511



There is a young lady named Aird                            
Whose bottom is always kept bared;                          
When asked why, she pouts                                   
And says the Boy Scouts                                     
All beg her to please 'Be Prepared'.                        
                                                            
 4386 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



In her youth, exhibitionist Annie                           
Was frequently spanked by her nannie.                       
That is why, to this day,                                   
Some psychiarists say                                       
She is fond of exposing her fanny.                          
                                                            
 4387 ASSES - VIEWED                 Isaac Asimov        P8208



We've missed you here, Miss Annie;                          
Your rhymes were always uncanny.                            
Now that you're back,                                       
Before you unpack,                                          
Will you show us your fanny?                                
                                                            
 4388 ASSES - VIEWED                 Les Stewart              



A maiden called Anne that I knew                            
Was distressingly wedged up the flue,                       
Where she died out of shame                                 
Canonized by the name                                       
Of the lovely Ste. Anne de Bellevue.                        
                                                            
 4389 ASSES - VIEWED                 Jugh Oliver           51b



In Butte lived a fellow named Knute                         
Who would romp in his bare birthday suit.                   
Though lacking in class,                                    
He had a nice ass,                                          
And that was his best attribute.                            
                                                            
 4390 ASSES - VIEWED                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The legs, as the body's main prop,                          
Are essential to stand, walk, or hop;                       
And they've been so designed                                
That when seen from behind,                                 
The bottom, you'll find, is on top.                         
                                                            
 4391 ASSES - VIEWED                 Bob Giandomenico    P9706



Let's all watch our Molly O'Hare,                           
Whose tummy is pleasingly bare.                             
As she crosses the sand                                     
Her butt wiggles and                                        
The boys do nothing but stare.                              
                                                            
 4392 ASSES - VIEWED                 Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



In the parish of Douchwater Stench                          
Lives a highly unprincipled wench.                          
She bares her huge rear                                     
When preachers are near,                                    
And laughs when the Men of God blench!                      
                                                            
 4393 ASSES - VIEWED                                    G2516a



A talented young girl from St Blass,                        
Could twirl tassels affixed to her ass.                     
The slightest cheek twitch,                                 
And they'd spin like a bitch;                               
She'd stop them with a short blast of gas.                  
                                                            
 4394 ASSES - VIEWED                 Anon                     



A weird circus freak loved the lights,                      
Said, "I fantasize wonderful sights!                        
Like wire-dancers with class,                               
Showing lots of bare ass,                                   
Dressed in tutus without any tights.                        
                                                            
 4395 ASSES - VIEWED                 Ann Gasser          P8711



In Zurich old clockmaker Chase                              
Improved on the clock commonplace.                          
He made one of fine brass                                   
With two feet and an ass,                                   
In the place of two hands and a face.                       
                                                            
 4396 ASSES - VIEWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1987



How Emily so liked her money.                               
She stuck it to her body with honey.                        
She'd roll and she'd play                                   
In the greenbacks all day;                                  
As a sight I'd say it's quite funny!                        
                                                            
 4397 ASSES - VIEWED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm here in technology class;                               
Prof's reading about methane gas.                           
As the topic's real boring,                                 
I'm busy ignoring                                           
That guys cute adorable ass.                                
                                                            
 4398 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



Yelled a lady who lived in Toronto,                         
To her husband, "Now Harry, come pronto!                    
I've left my behind                                         
Exposed to the wind;   (Exposed for mankind;)               
Now do what you will, if you want to."                      
                                                            
 4399 ASSES - VIEWED                 Jeff Wisnia              



It seems that a critic named Rose                           
Has adopted a difficult pose.                               
And the dress she is wearing                                
Has spots that are tearing,                                 
Allowing her ass to expose.                                 
                                                            
 4400 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



"Remind me, dear," said Sir John Keith,                     
"As soon as I've finished my teeth,                         
To take down this glass                                     
And examine my ass,                                         
From behind and of course, from beneath.                    
                                                            
 4401 ASSES - VIEWED                                     L1453



A lovely young swimmer named Nancy,                         
Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy.                          
The fish of Bonaire                                         
Watched her cute derriere,                                  
And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.                     
                                                            
 4402 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



The man is undoubtedly rare,                                
Who can stare at a bare derriere                            
And be so unimpressed                                       
With a fanny, undressed,                                    
That his flag doesn't wave in the air!                      
                                                            
 4403 ASSES - VIEWED                 Grand Prix Lim  548 G0431



It's absolutely uncanny,                                    
From teens right up to my granny,                           
When a female walks by,                                     
My magnificent eye                                          
Immediately zooms to her fanny.                             
                                                            
 4404 ASSES - VIEWED                 Mr Malo                  



With me, the same thing is true;                            
I look at their bottom like you.                            
But I must confess                                          
I'd stare at their breast                                   
If they'd undo a button or two.                             
                                                            
 4405 ASSES - VIEWED                 Chris Bolivar            



A light-fingered lady from Ayr                              
Had a certain intuitive flair                               
For unpicking the stitches                                  
Of gentlemen's britches                                     
And leaving their fundaments bare.                          
(father of Tony Davie, Scots limerick collector)            
 4406 ASSES - VIEWED                 Cedric Thorp Davie       



The asses you pass on the street                            
Often heat up your genital meat.                            
Though you know you can't screw 'em,                        
It's a great joy to view 'em;                               
For us ass-men, it's life's greatest treat.                 
                                                            
 4407 ASSES - VIEWED                                     G0462



There once was a fellow from Brussels                       
With a fondness for women in bustles.                       
He was quite distressed                                     
When he found they were dressed                             
In a way that showed off no ass muscles.                    
                                                            
 4408 ASSES - VIEWED                 Robert Elliot            



The derrieres in a bordello                                 
Caused P. Herman Gribble to bellow:                         
"Hey, Joe, do you see                                       
What I see around me?"                                      
Said Joe, "Sure I see, but I'm YELLOW!"                     
                                                            
 4409 ASSES - VIEWED                 Grand Prix Lim   93      



There was a young dancer named Shaw,                        
Who made the most awful faux pas;                           
He went to a dance                                          
With a hole in his pants                                    
And showed off his ass -- cha-cha-cha.                      
                                                            
 4410 ASSES - VIEWED                 Margaret A. Murdock P8412



When you take to the halls for a stride,                    
You'll develop a niche in your pride.                       
For it becomes quite clear                                  
There's a draft on your rear                                
On the part that the gown doesn't hide.                     
                                                            
 4411 ASSES - VIEWED                 Edwin J Weinstein        



It always delights me at Frank's                            
To stroll on the green river banks,                         
And getting bareassed                                       
Out in the tall grass,                                      
And teasing with genital pranks.                            
                                                            
 4412 ASSES - VIEWED                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A cross-dressing fellow named Greer,                        
Would envy a young maiden's rear.                           
He dreamed of its feel,                                     
And wished it was real,                                     
As he studied his ass in the mirror.                        
                                                            
 4413 ASSES - VIEWED                 Bob Birch           P0107



A pretty young lass from Madras                             
In her silky white sari would pass                          
As the new goddess Shiva                                    
- Or a Hollywood diva -                                     
If she hadn't been bare on her ass...                       
                                                            
 4414 ASSES - VIEWED                 Carl Ludvig         P0207



To the cunt show went old Father Lee                        
But he could not afford the high fee.                       
So he said in despair,                                      
As his ass he did bare,                                     
"I will look at my asshole for free."                       
                                                            
 4415 ASSES - VIEWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1052



When it comes the time and I've died,                       
I wish to be buried upside-                                 
Down in my hole,                                            
So every last soul                                          
That comes there, can kiss my backside!                     
                                                            
 4416 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



At the game one night under the bleacher,                   
I looked right up the dress of my teacher.                  
What I saw of her butt                                      
Looked like Jabba the Hut,                                  
Or some similar alien creature.                             
                                                            
 4417 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



To Derry went cockney lass Claire;                          
She walked 'round all day with ass bare.                    
And some French buffoon                                     
To her wrote a tune,                                        
And called it London derriere.                              
                                                            
 4418 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



No wonder your butt drew such stares.                       
That guy watched you come down the stairs.                  
Steer clear of the loner                                    
Who sports a big boner;                                     
The live ones all travel in pairs.                          
                                                            
 4419 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



Said a nudie pix shooter named Hugh                         
"There is a reason for all things I do...                   
There is class, I contend,                                  
In a nudie rear end,                                        
So I shoot 'em with that end in view."                      
                                                            
 4420 ASSES - VIEWED                 Grand Prix Lim  800      



It was sad when she shuttered the blind;                    
If you ask me, I'd call this unkind.                        
She may be a saint,                                         
But, dammit, I ain't!                                       
And she does have a lovely behind.                          
                                                            
 4421 ASSES - VIEWED                 Al Willis                



Alas for poor Madam Lupescu --                              
No one came to the dear lady's rescue;                      
When in Bucharest town                                      
She was caught with pants down,                             
Impaled on a sundial's large fescue.                        
                                                            
 4422 ASSES - VIEWED                 Martin Wellborn     P8507



A model young hussy named Valerie                           
Bared her derriere bare in a gallery                        
And cried, "A career                                        
Can be made of a rear,                                      
That'll net a babe boodles of salary!"                      
                                                            
 4423 ASSES - VIEWED                 Grand Prix Lim  349      



I think that I shall never see                              
A girl with an ass like Marie.                              
She did walk away                                           
From a roll in the hay,                                     
And that's how it goes, c'est la vie.                       
                                                            
 4424 ASSES - VIEWED                 Al Willis                



Some girls are most intellectual,                           
While others lean more toward the sexual.                   
But men frequently find                                     
Such a pretty behind,                                       
That they feel superbly erectual.                           
                                                            
 4425 ASSES - VIEWED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I think I am going nuts,                                    
With any ifs, ands, or buts!                                
When I am striving,                                         
Each time when I'm driving,                                 
Through my windshield I see mermaids' butts!                
                                                            
 4426 ASSES - VIEWED                 Nik Synytskyy            



An impressionable curate from Stamms                        
Said, "These mini-skirt girls are such lambs.               
But my duties I'm lax in,                                   
And my vows get such cracks in,                             
When from my knees I see all their young hams."             
                                                            
 4427 ASSES - VIEWED                                     G2735



When the circus' elephant star                              
Got colitis, the vet -- old Doc Carr --                     
Said, "The beast's only hope                                
Is a large proctoscope.                                     
I suggest we use Mt. Palomar."                              
                                                            
 4428 ASSES - VIEWED                 Michael Weinstein   P8711



Said a lustful old man from Montclair,                      
As he leered at a girl's derriere:                          
"Though touching's unlawful,                                
And the mental strain's awful,                              
Can they put me in jail if I stare?                         
                                                            
 4429 ASSES - VIEWED                 Grand Prix Lim  903 G2429



There was a young girl from down under,                     
Who said eating her could be a blunder.                     
When she was asked why,                                     
She turned over and sighed,                                 
Spreading her ass cheeks asunder.                           
                                                            
 4430 ASSES - VIEWED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The men went for the maid from Madras                       
Who had that magnificent ass,                               
But I hardly need mention                                   
What drew their attention.                                  
It wasn't the one that ate grass.                           
                                                            
 4431 ASSES - VIEWED                 A. N. Wilkins       P8507



Boomed a cowpoke in vibrant tones basso,                    
"I land all my lays with my lasso.                          
But I don't make no passes                                  
At girls with flat asses;                                   
In Texas we give them the El Paso                           
                                                            
 4432 ASSES - VIEWED                 Bruce Thompson           



The derriere finals devinely                                
Showed us ten that were rounded so finely.                  
But one gave a nudge                                        
To our Thomas, the judge:                                   
"I pick THIS one!" he said, asininely.                      
                                                            
 4433 ASSES - VIEWED                 Hugh Clary               



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Picked up a risqu‚ magazine                                 
But lacking his glasses                                     
Perceived no nude asses                                     
Just big, blurry, pink lima beans.                          
                                                            
 4434 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



"Bird in hand is worth two in the bush."                    
She reminded me in tones quite hushed.                      
What else did she say?                                      
That, I can't relay;                                        
Was too busy looking at her tush.                           
                                                            
 4435 ASSES - VIEWED                 Delius                   



The punctual Cynthia Rolen,                                 
Missed a period, (or was it stolen?)                        
She looked up her ass                                       
With a tube made of glass,                                  
But she found only her own semicolon.                       
                                                            
 4436 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



Cried a slender young lady named Toni,                      
With a bottom exceedingly bony:                             
"I'll say this for my rump,                                 
Though it may not be plump,                                 
It's my own, not a silicone phoney!"                        
                                                            
 4437 ASSES - VIEWED                                     G2219



Sweet Louise on the flying trapeze,                         
Whose tights were so tight that when she                    
Sneezed, they split in two,                                 
Exposing to view,                                           
All that what the audience sees.                            
                                                            
 4438 ASSES - VIEWED                 Lynn Mostafa             



I'm hoping that this will suffice,                          
In indulging your sycophant vice.                           
My butt I'll expose,                                        
So you can brown nose,                                      
Since new, my ass you may sniff twice.                      
                                                            
 4439 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



For girlwatchers, summertime's it!                          
When girls show a thigh and a tit!                          
At the beach you can catch                                  
Quick glimpses of snatch,                                   
And asses so cute you could shit.                           
                                                            
 4440 ASSES - VIEWED                 Writerman                



A young maiden from France was no prude.                    
She decided to dive in the nude,                            
But her buddy, behind,                                      
Went out of his mind,                                       
When he noticed where she was tatooed.                      
                                                            
 4441 ASSES - VIEWED                                          



It's a shame about wee Thumbelina,                          
But the sherrif has served his subpoena.                    
She's enlarged, through a glass,                            
Her diminutive ass,                                         
Issued tickets, and packed the arena.                       
                                                            
 4442 ASSES - VIEWED                 Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



Astronomers sat with nerves taut;                           
Their telescopes trained on one spot                        
On the girl from Madras,                                    
For a view of her ass                                       
And a total eclipse of her twat.                            
                                                            
 4443 ASSES - VIEWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2328



Said Norm, "It is nice to be nude,                          
Allowing my ass to be viewed."                              
He said, "It is bliss                                       
And hopefully this                                          
Is a likely way to get screwed."                            
                                                            
 4444 ASSES - VIEWED                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Revealing his sketches, Jacques Souder                      
Said, "Of these gowns I couldn't be prouder.                
With backs cut to new lows                                  
To the point, I'll expose                                   
Two additional cheeks they can powder.                      
                                                            
 4445 ASSES - VIEWED                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



An artist had a strange type of quirk,                      
That made his employers berserk.                            
Each picture includes                                       
The fannies of nudes;                                       
He always gets behind in his work.                          
                                                            
 4446 ASSES - VIEWED                 Tom Patton          P9808



A young lady bared her left fanny                           
To her sober, respectable nanny.                            
Her nanny said, "Dear,                                      
I must make it clear,                                       
Your gluteus max is uncanny."                               
                                                            
 4447 ASSES - VIEWED                 Amit Jayaram             



"On the beach", said John sadly, "There's such              
A thing as revealing too much."                             
So he closed his eyes                                       
At the ranks of bare thighs,                                
And felt his way through them by touch.                     
                                                            
 4448 ASSES - VIEWED                 Isaac Asimov             



A dude from Canberra named Square                           
Had an arse end all covered with hair.                      
When he mooned Mary Lou,                                    
She freaked out. So would you.                              
Who can bear a Canberra can, bare?                          
                                                            
 4449 ASSES - VIEWED                 Michael Weinstein   P8611



If there's one thing that I like to do,                     
It's to ogle the girls in the loo.                          
I peek through the transom,                                 
At buttocks quite handsome;                                 
It always enhances the view.                                
                                                            
 4450 ASSES - VIEWED                 Al Willis          TP9807



A fellow from Carse bared his arse,                         
For a trick, too supple, too sparse.                        
They got in a dither                                        
'Cause his pecker would slither.                            
It was, my dear fellow, a farce.                            
                                                            
 4451 ASSES - VIEWED                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There is a young fellow named Burns                         
Who claims that he always discerns                          
All the feminine graces,                                    
Not so much in young faces,                                 
As in bisected, well-rounded sterns.                        
                                                            
 4452 ASSES - VIEWED                 Isaac Asimov             



The chief delectation of summer                             
Is to view, from behind, each newcomer.                     
But the average rear                                        
Is too flabby, I fear.                                      
Oh how sad!  What a shame!  What a bummer!                  
                                                            
 4453 ASSES - VIEWED                 Zoe Powers               



It was sad when she shuttered the blind.                    
If you ask me, I'd call this unkind.                        
But I quickly spied                                         
The great divide                                            
And a milky and zoftig behind.                              
                                                            
 4454 ASSES - VIEWED                 Al Willis          TP9802



There once was a beautiful creature                         
Whose buns were her outstanding feature.                    
This pretty young lass                                      
Was the star of her class,                                  
When she mooned her astronomy teacher.                      
                                                            
 4455 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED        Bob Birch                



There it was pressed tight to the glass                     
A view that was really first class                          
A moon white and round                                      
Not making a sound                                          
Implying "Come World! Kiss my ass!"                         
                                                            
 4456 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                                 



There once was a girl from Rangoon,                         
Whose ass was a financial boon.                             
At two bucks a session,                                     
She'd do her impression                                     
Of a beautiful rising full moon.                            
                                                            
 4457 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED        MrMalo                   



The sun was straight up at high noon,                       
But I was inside a saloon                                   
Where no sunshine shone,                                    
But Rita, full grown,                                       
Bent over and showed me 'the moon!'                         
                                                            
 4458 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                                 



I heard that her name was Roseanne,                         
The one with the nice bar room tan.                         
And a big bar hair-do,                                      
And a rosy tattoo,                                          
Right there on the crack of her can.                        
                                                            
 4459 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                                 



It could be she's one in the same,                          
With 'Rita Roseanne' as her name;                           
She had big blonde hair,                                    
And blue eyes to glare,                                     
And whispered, "I glad that you came."                      
                                                            
 4460 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                                 



A young lady lawyer named Hort,                             
Was undoubtedly guilty of tort:                             
She'd peed in the tea                                       
Of defendant's Q.C.                                         
And dropped her briefs in full view of the court.           
(Q.C. - ??)                                                 
 4461 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                            G2362



Have you heard of Rocky Raccoon?                            
He got caught up in a typhoon.                              
Blown glass cut his fur cut,                                
Right off of his butt.                                      
Now every night there's a full moon.                        
                                                            
 4462 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED        Marlene Lewis            



That glass went the speed of a rocket,                      
His tail, as you say, it did dock it.                       
He surveyed that spot:                                      
"At least I will not                                        
Be worn by that damned Davy Crockett."                      
                                                            
 4463 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                                 



She often gets lots of snickers                             
When doing yard work in her knickers.                       
But when they harrass,                                      
She justs bares her ass,                                    
And tells them all kindly to lick hers.                     
                                                            
 4464 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                                 



The well known pornography queen                            
Sat on top of the Xerox machine.                            
She made copies en mass,                                    
To peddle her ass,                                          
In brochures with her piles tinted green.                   
                                                            
 4465 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



There was a young lady from Grasse,                         
Who loved showing folks her bare ass.                       
With skirts up, and bent over,                              
She'd waddle through clover,                                
Which some people thought rather crass.                     
                                                            
 4466 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED                            G2355



The opera's musical style                                   
Grew tedious after a while.                                 
To the company's rage,                                      
I snuck onto the stage                                      
And flashed them a vertical smile.                          
                                                            
 4467 ASSES - VIEWED - MOONED        Dick Potts          P8602



This Earth with strange folk does abound,                   
Who think the Earth's flat and not round,                   
And it seems they cannot                                    
Tell, I'm sure you know what,                               
From a hole which you find in the ground.                   
                                                            
 4468 ASTRONOMY                      Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



Asteroids are rocky debris.                                 
If we look at them closely we see                           
Rocks that are crumbled,                                    
And jumbled and tumbled,                                    
Pulled 'round by the sun's gravity.                         
                                                            
 4469 ASTRONOMY                      Parisi and Dye           



A man from the small Isle of Wight                          
Once went on a far eclipse flight.                          
The weather was bad,                                        
Girls were not to be had,                                   
And the moon veered away out of spite.                      
                                                            
 4470 ASTRONOMY                      Isaac Asimov             



Zero G's awkward for lovers,                                
Particularly pushers and shovers.                           
The problems of docking                                     
And then interlocking,                                      
Are greatly increased when one hovers.                      
                                                            
 4471 ASTRONOMY                      Frank Ney                



Though this lady may think she is thrilling,                
Her victims are far less than willing,                      
Amidst sci.astro curses                                     
And Satanic verses,                                         
Are simply her fodder for killing.                          
                                                            
 4472 ASTRONOMY                      Greg Neill               



An astronaut, fond of his flings,                           
With a whore did spectacular things.                        
But just like the shuttle,                                  
His troubles weren't subtle                                 
When she blew out his faulty O-rings!                       
                                                            
 4473 ASTRONOMY                      Neal Wilgus         P8607



A philosopher finding a stone,                              
Said, "The history of this is unknown.                      
It might be from Mars,                                      
Or one of the stars,                                        
And no doubt cause the hole in the ozone!"                  
                                                            
 4474 ASTRONOMY                      Observer                 



A physicist readily shows                                   
From the rate at which radiance grows                       
That matter, one day,                                       
Will have fizzled away.                                     
But the puzzle is how it arose.                             
                                                            
 4475 ASTRONOMY                      T Thorneley         P0111



There once was a lady named Nancy                           
Who made real astronomers antsy.                            
They'd talk themselves hoarse,                              
While Nancy, of course,                                     
Still spouted what tickled her fancy.                       
                                                            
 4476 ASTRONOMY                      Bill Owen                



An ass-fucking astronomer, Floyd,                           
With his skinny boyfriend was annoyed.                      
"I've searched all of space                                 
And can't find a trace                                      
Of a brown hole or meatier 'roid."                          
                                                            
 4477 ASTRONOMY                      Cybe R Wizard            



Yelled my Astro professor named Bob,                        
"What's the three-degree background, you slob?"             
I replied, "Sad to say,                                     
Ph.D. to B.A.                                               
It is no guarantee of a job!"                               
                                                            
 4478 ASTRONOMY                      Stargazer David M Smith  



When the race for the moon runs its course,                 
And women are sent there by force,                          
Will the men they embrace,                                  
In the world's outer space,                                 
Start to call making love, "outercourse"?                   
                                                            
 4479 ASTRONOMY                                          G2581



An expert on things astrophysical                           
Developed a countenance quizzical.                          
When I told him one day,                                    
"Oh sir, I can say                                          
Our relationship is purely physical."                       
                                                            
 4480 ASTRONOMY                      Kay R Devicci            



Sex relations (in case you have missed them)                
Feel so good that we just can't resist 'em.                 
So we placed a nude plaque                                  
On a six-booster pack                                       
And shot the thing out of our system.                       
                                                            
 4481 ASTRONOMY                      Melvin B. Lewis     P8312



The Pioneer probes will enlighten,                          
Inform, and in general, brighten                            
The evening's TV                                            
Astronomically,                                             
Notwithstanding the silence of Titan. (see first letters)   
(Probe In Outerspace, Nearly Extrasolar, Elicits Response)  
 4482 ASTRONOMY                      John M Ford        P8211 



When the lady was taking her schooling,                     
The system she thought she was fooling.                     
By avoiding all science,                                    
She proclaimed her defiance;                                
Now she's hopeless at sci.astro dueling.                    
                                                            
 4483 ASTRONOMY                      Greg Neill               



Oh, planet names, yes I suppose                             
There are those who some would oppose.                      
When I asked young Janet,                                   
"What's my fav'rite planet?"                                
She punched me right square in the nose.                    
                                                            
 4484 ASTRONOMY                                               



The question we ask every night,                            
As we look past the pale moon light:                        
Can there be anyone                                         
Who lives far from the Sun?                                 
Or is solitude our final plight?                            
                                                            
 4485 ASTRONOMY                      Neal Krawetz             



Abductee, Sir Joseph O'Toole,                               
Now heads an astronomy school.                              
He longs for the feel                                       
Of thin, probing steel.                                     
That's why he's a star-gazing fool.                         
                                                            
 4486 ASTRONOMY                                               



Most females, it seems, can't absorb it,                    
For the virile emission of Corbett                          
Extrudes far too fast:                                      
The results of his blast                                    
Are ten dollies today out in orbit.                         
                                                            
 4487 ASTRONOMY                                          G2566



First let me explain that I'm cursed.                       
I'm a poet whose time got reversed.                         
Reversed got time                                           
Whose poet a I'm.                                           
Cursed I'm that explain me let first.                       
                                                            
 4488 ASTRONOMY                                               



A vacuum's defined as a space                               
Which objects of some sort did grace.                       
They've been taken away,                                    
Just to where I can't say,                                  
And nothing was put in their place.                         
                                                            
 4489 ASTRONOMY                      Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



Van Allen's Belt, at first glance                           
Seems to cover a mighty expanse --                          
But a belt in the sky                                       
Leaves me wondering why                                     
No mention is made of the pants!                            
                                                            
 4490 ASTRONOMY                      New Comic Lims      P8211



The astronomer asked young Miss Ford                        
If she ever the stars had explored.                         
She replied, "In the night                                  
I see stars clear and bright,                               
When I lie on my back and I'm bored."                       
                                                            
 4491 ASTRONOMY                      Albin Chaplin   3024-0147



A beautiful goddess named Quarm                             
Once stuffed a black hole where its warm.                   
Her imploding tang                                          
Led to the Big Bang.                                        
She's everywhere now, without form.                         
                                                            
 4492 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        H Whelchel               



A star wanderer named Chase                                 
Fell through a black hole in space.                         
Having split and reknit,                                    
He queried, troubled in wit,                                
"Did I reincarnate or efface?"                              
                                                            
 4493 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        M. B. Spitzler      P8309



There was a young fellow named Cole                         
Who ventured too near a black hole.                         
His dv by dt                                                
Was quite wondrous to see,                                  
But now all that's left is his soul.                        
                                                            
 4494 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        A P French               



Patrick Moore, while practising astronomy,                  
Came across an enormous anomaly;                            
A giant pudenda                                             
Not on his agenda,                                          
Must be part of the Black hole ecomomy.                     
                                                            
 4495 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES                                 



Young Einstein was always on track,                         
Explaining the ways of holes black.                         
"Giant star or comet,                                       
Through space-warp GROMMET,                                 
So now there's no light coming back!"                       
                                                            
 4496 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Chris Papa               



A black hole's mouth is agape;                              
And not even light can escape.                              
For a while, hit or miss,                                   
Now, they're known to exist,                                
And folks are all bent out of shape.                        
                                                            
 4497 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Tom Campbell             



Dear S': I note with distress                               
The length of your yardstick is less,                       
And please wind your clock                                  
To make it tick-tock                                        
More briskly. Your faithful friend, S.                      
                                                            
 4498 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Edward H Green     PR9703



The negro astronomer Cole                                   
Liked tail, though research was his goal;                   
By peering through glasses                                  
At countless dark asses,                                    
He found yet another black hole.                            
                                                            
 4499 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Armand E Singer       683



Light passed a black hole from Nantucket,                   
Where his pull was so great he would suck it.               
He said with a grin,                                        
As he pulled the light in,                                  
"With Hawking radiation, I'll chuck it!"                    
                                                            
 4500 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        David Morin et al        



Steven Hawking can prove with a plot                        
Whether we will or will not                                 
Expand without limit                                        
Or end in an intimate                                       
Space which is all in one spot.                             
                                                            
 4501 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Larry Dahl               



The ladies in Cambridge are talking                         
'Bout a physicist named Stephen Hawking:                    
"He says the hole munches                                   
Whatever it touches,                                        
So it's pointless to mend this black stocking."             
                                                            
 4502 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Haywire            TP9804



There once was a prof lacking prudence,                     
Who studied a black hole's refusance                        
To show hide nor hair                                       
Of what he tossed there,                                    
Including the last of his students!                         
                                                            
 4503 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Robert Garisto           



We've heard of that fellow named Bright,                    
And his trip on that fabulous night.                        
But his increasing mass                                     
Would have soon proved so vast,                             
He'd have been a most "singular" sight.                     
                                                            
 4504 ASTRONOMY - BLACK HOLES        Pierce Evans             



If you take out a home loan today,                          
With a full thirty years to repay,                          
You'll be owner in full                                     
Just when gravity's pull                                    
Sends a meteor crashing your way!                           
                                                            
 4505 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Prof M-G                 



Scientist lately have said,                                 
A meteor soon will imbed                                    
Itself in the Earth;                                        
For all that it's worth,                                    
How many species will it make dead?                         
                                                            
 4506 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Arden                    



The crash will be one for the books.                        
No more sea birds will rest in their nooks.                 
No more summer days                                         
Along beaches and quays,                                    
And all summer eve, I'll Miss Brooks.                       
                                                            
 4507 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Irish                    



"Aw shucks! It is going to miss!"                           
Said the little green man with a hiss.                      
"Perhaps we should budget                                   
Enough power to nudge it                                    
To an orbit preciser than this?"                            
                                                            
 4508 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          John Miller              



Earth moves in elliptical orbits;                           
Perigee, apogee sure fits.                                  
Let's hope it avoids                                        
Those big asteroids;                                        
They'd burn us to ass destroyed-bits                        
                                                            
 4509 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION                                   



In bed with his wife was old Seth,                          
From straining he seemed out of breath.                     
When the meteor struck,                                     
By a stroke of good luck,                                   
He came as he went to his death.                            
                                                            
 4510 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Bob Birch           P9809



When the vast comet struck, it was light,                   
But the dust laden air brought the night,                   
And the subsequent gloom                                    
Spelled the small planet's doom.                            
In the end, Chicken Little was right.                       
                                                            
 4511 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          A N Wilkins         P9811



There once was a lady named Nancy,                          
Whose musings on sci.astro were fancy.                      
The 12th planet was said                                    
To hit us on the head,                                      
All because gravity is so chancy.                           
                                                            
 4512 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Paul Campbell            



When the great meltdown is nigh,                            
And the flames everywhere reach the sky,                    
I'll say "Goodbye, Rover,"                                  
And lean real far over,                                     
And then kiss my big ass goodbye.                           
                                                            
 4513 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Al Willis                



We're about to crash into a planet                          
Made almost entirely of granite.                            
They're trying to block it                                  
By means of a rocket,                                       
But no-one seems willing to man it.                         
                                                            
 4514 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Mark Wainwright          



The odds that the Earth is destroyed                        
By the recently-found asteroid:                             
Only one in a thousand,                                     
Not two in a thousand,                                      
So relax and don't be paranoid.                             
                                                            
 4515 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Dr Limerick  11-07-00    



A comet called "Shoemaker-three"                            
Dropped into the Caspian Sea;                               
Although it would pale                                      
On the grand cosmic scale,                                  
'Twas sufficient to vaporize me.                            
                                                            
 4516 ASTRONOMY - COLLISION          Nick D Kim               



Galileo was found a misfeasor                               
By that Cardinal Bellarmine geezer;                         
It was not for his balls,                                   
That Pisa recalls,                                          
But the fact he was thumbing his sneezer.                   
                                                            
 4517 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO                                     



Galileo said, "My inquest proves                            
That the Earth is the object that moves.                    
But THE INQUEST, alas,                                      
Will fry my mortal ass                                      
If the power in Rome disapproves."                          
                                                            
 4518 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            William N. Nesbit   P9707



In spite of the Vatican's dissuasion,                       
Galileo still rose to the occasion.                         
Though once deemed heretical,                               
He proved more prophetical,                                 
Than those of the clerical persuasion.                      
                                                            
 4519 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            American Physical Society



Galileo built a telescope of brass;                         
Peered at Jupiter through his spy glass.                    
He sat there astounded;                                     
Four moons were around it!                                  
He was going to be famous at last.                          
                                                            
 4520 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Tom Campbell             



The ORRERY that was displayed,                              
On the scheme that Galileo made,                            
Was not the one done                                        
Of Earth tailed by the Sun.                                 
It left true believers dismayed.                            
                                                            
 4521 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Chris Papa               



The Inquisitors told Galileo,                               
"You're advised in the name of the trio                     
To recant your position                                     
Else we'll bring to ignition                                
Flaming faggots, combusting con brio."                      
                                                            
 4522 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



While watching a cannonball's motion,                       
Galileo conceived of the notion                             
That natural laws,                                          
Not mystical cause,                                         
Ruled the physical worlds locomotion.                       
                                                            
 4523 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



That sun-centered model, ORRERY,                            
Was surely greeted as horrory                               
And caused the maker                                        
to flee Pope's raker,                                       
And take up residence borderly.                             
                                                            
 4524 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Daniel Ford              



Galileo wrote his will upside down;                         
Church thought him heretical clown.                         
They tossed him in a cell,                                  
Threatened him with Hell,                                   
And ran his ass right out of town.                          
                                                            
 4525 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Chris Papa               



Though its own view was mostly confused,                    
The Church was not greatly amused                           
With this flaunting of Deo                                  
By old Galileo,                                             
And ordered it quickly defused.                             
                                                            
 4526 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Rick Nelson              



So the Pope sent some priests who inquired                  
If it wouldn't be best he retired?                          
"Undoubtedly you know                                       
What we did for Bruno;                                      
Do you also wish to be fired?"                              
                                                            
 4527 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



He asked an old Cardinal's opinion:                         
"Pray tell me, Your Grace, if you will then,                
Does this mean what I think?                                
That henceforth I must shrink                               
From discussing my clever perception?"                      
                                                            
 4528 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



Said Bellarmine, "No, it is not a ban;                      
If you want to keep teaching of course you can.             
They merely have said                                       
To take care where you tread                                
And smile when you say thing Copernican."                   
                                                            
 4529 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



Unbeknownst to our venerable dissident                      
The records said something quite different.                 
When the Pope saw the note                                  
The inquisitors wrote,                                      
He lost what remained of his temperament.                   
                                                            
 4530 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



The message the Vatican sent                                
Was blunt in its stated intent:                             
"Recant all this heresy                                     
Quick or we harass thee,                                    
Now 'til your life has been spent."                         
                                                            
 4531 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



In facing the dread inquisition,                            
Few men could defend their position;                        
So it shouldn't surprise                                    
When we are apprised                                        
Of old Galileo's decision.                                  
                                                            
 4532 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



"Explaining celestial motion                                
Needs more than just faith and devotion.                    
But to save my poor head                                    
I'll recant what I've said,                                 
Though I'll secretly keep to my notion".                    
                                                            
 4533 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



So our friend the illustrious Florentine                    
Spent his last years in Vatican quarantine;                 
Locked up in his home                                       
By the prelates of Rome,                                    
For being a cosmical libertine.                             
                                                            
 4534 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



The Church caused a major imbroglio                         
By correcting Copernicus' folio.                            
Yet it couldn't discern                                     
The abuse it would earn                                     
In forbidding the whole Dialogo?                            
                                                            
 4535 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



By killing Sidereus Nuncius                                 
For the news that their views were defunctus,               
The renaissance ended                                       
And darkness descended                                      
Upon the Dominican dunces.                                  
                                                            
 4536 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



So the Pope sent some priests who inquired,                 
If it wouldn't be best if he retired.                       
"Undoubtedly you know                                       
What we did to Bruno.                                       
Do you wish also to be fired?"                              
                                                            
 4537 ASTRONOMY - GALILEO            Martin Murphy            



To scientists, my hat I doff,                               
But at spatial statistics, I scoff.                         
There's more dingleberries                                  
Than butt holes. My worry's                                 
The "ass to rhoid" ratio's off.                             
                                                            
 4538 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Irish                    



We have radar for jet aviation,                             
And satellites, missiles, space stations;                   
Hundreds of telescopes                                      
Surrounding the globe;                                      
They all missed the stellar cremation.                      
(Bolide explosion over Atlantic)                            
 4539 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Dr Limerick              



There's a comet that rates as a "10";                       
"Dirty snowball" it's called now and then.                  
They should take my advice,                                 
Call the thing "Vanilla Ice";                               
It'll never be heard from again.                            
(Vanilla Ice - ephermal music group)                        
 4540 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Larry Hollister          



Some folks in the east would have sworn,                    
That last evening's sky had been torn                       
By a bright fireball,                                       
That streaked and did fall                                  
On a field in PA full of corn.                              
                                                            
 4541 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     David Lauridsen          



What was that strange UFO,                                  
That caused the night sky to glow?                          
Well, the mystery is solved                                 
And the question resolved.                                  
Here's the answer, just so you'll know.                     
                                                            
 4542 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     David Lauridsen          



To the spectators both far and near,                        
That are asking, "What did I hear?"                         
The boom and the flash                                      
Was simply the crash                                        
Of Gary Condit's career.                                    
                                                            
 4543 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     David Lauridsen          



Our world in the future, I fear,                            
So different, will likely appear;                           
With technology's change,                                   
It will surely be strange,                                  
That's if the damn planet's still here!                     
                                                            
 4544 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Cap'n Bean               



A stargazer out in St. Kitts,                               
Is often shook up, he admits.                               
An eclipse of the moon                                      
Throws him into a swoon;                                    
Shooting stars scare him out of his wits.                   
                                                            
 4545 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS                              



If this globe's ever scorched by a fire,                    
I will not lie down on a pyre.                              
So listen here fellows,                                     
I'll get some marshmallows;                                 
I'll enjoy this life ere I expire.                          
(And like Nero I'll strum on my lyre.)                      
 4546 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Al Willis           P9809



A loony from Oldham has bet -                               
And a million to one he will get -                          
That on Aug 29                                              
In 1999,                                                    
The world ends... How will he collect?                      
                                                            
 4547 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Zetan named Nancy;                         
Plain physics did not strike her fancy.                     
She proclaimed Hale-Bopp                                    
Was about to stop;                                          
But right about now it looks chancy.                        
                                                            
 4548 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Craig Berry              



If it hits while you're taking a bath,                      
And your tub is smack dab in the path,                      
Both the town's undertaker                                  
And your Heavenly Maker                                     
Are quite likely to have a good laugh.                      
                                                            
 4549 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Bob Birch           P9809



I stand awestruck and watch Hale-Bopp pass                  
Musing, two thousand years will amass                       
Till its next scheduled run                                 
With tail aimed at the sun.                                 
That's a long time to be passing gas.                       
                                                            
 4550 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9705



I wouldn't have missed Hale-Bopp, not on a bet --           
The most spectacular comet seen yet!                        
Across the street, one starry night,                        
I went to avoid the bright street light,                    
And to get as close to it as I could get!                   
                                                            
 4551 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Monique de Plume         



Driving home in my '64 Chevy,                               
I was struck by a thought that was heavy:                   
What if good old Hale-Bopp                                  
From the heavens should drop,                               
It would cream us like Shoemaker-Levy!                      
                                                            
 4552 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Larry Hollister          



For months now, dear Nancy has said,                        
"You act just like sheep who've been led."                  
A claim so patho-illogical,                                 
Like her posts pedagogical,                                 
I think she's been Hale-Bopped on the head.                 
                                                            
 4553 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Mark Gingrich            



There was an old comet in space                             
That had a long tail, but no face.                          
Said the comet one day,                                     
"I like being this way.                                     
If you want to know why, sent a SASE."                      
(SASE - self addressed stamped envelope)                    
 4554 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Sam Shaffe          P8512



As I wait for the comet named Halley                        
(Or Halley, 'though I prefer Halley),                       
I'll practice this daily                                    
To orate like a Yalie:                                      
"Ave atque vale, comet Halley!"                             
                                                            
 4555 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Bill Railford       P8512



From the world, his discovery brought cheers;               
From his wife, it brought nothing but tears;                
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,                             
"He used to come daily,                                     
Now its once every 76 years."                               
                                                            
 4556 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Arthur Deex         P0103



From the world, his discovery brought cheers                
From his wife, it brought nothing but tears                 
For you see, said Ms. Halley                                
He loved dilly dally,                                       
Now its once every 76 years.                                
                                                            
 4557 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Arthur Deex         P0103



It was last nineteen-ten when on high                       
Halley's comet appeared in the sky.                         
Those were halcyon days,                                    
But our present "malaise"                                   
Makes the comet pass rapidly by.                            
                                                            
 4558 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Mitzi C. Kuehl      P8512



Halley's comet can be seen in the sky,                      
Provided that you're sober or dry.                          
But drink a few drinks                                      
And wink a few winks                                        
And ten tails will appear on the sly.                       
                                                            
 4559 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Baumhaft & Fowler   P8512



Halley's comet again rides the sky,                         
Arcing above us on high.                                    
An impressive sight,                                        
But during the night                                        
It's the length of the tail makes me sigh.                  
                                                            
 4560 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     June Sullivan       P8512



Dame Halley said, "Dear, 'twould be nice                    
To land on that planet a trice.                             
It sure wouldn't hurt                                       
To have some of that dirt                                   
To mix with this fire and ice."                             
(1st prize, 85 Integra contest)                             
 4561 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     W P Williams        P8512



World War I, Hitler's rise, World War II.                   
Viet Nam was a real witches' brew!                          
Yet, I'd like to be here                                    
In that magical year                                        
When Halley's comet comes due.                              
                                                            
 4562 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Mitzi C. Kuehl      P8512



Halley's Comet came spiralling down,                        
And landed on top of George Brown.                          
He shouted rude names                                       
And burst into flames;                                      
Now he's the toast of the town.                             
                                                            
 4563 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Bill Wall                



Sometimes from the outer spaces,                            
A comet visits sunny places.                                
As it is warmed,                                            
A tail is formed                                            
That leaves behind some dusty traces.                       
                                                            
 4564 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Parisi and Dye           



There once was a comet named Linear,                        
As bright as Praesepe, but skinnier.                        
It broke up one day                                         
In a fragmentary way,                                       
And now it can't be found anywhere.                         
                                                            
 4565 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Tom Campbell             



A meteor once came to pass,                                 
And it landed right here, on the grass.                     
As I sat on the bowl                                        
Of my outhouse's hole,                                      
The debris traveled right up my ass.                        
                                                            
 4566 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Cap'n Bean          P9809



My state was visited by a meteor;                           
They say it landed on the desert floor.                     
Many saw it, they said,                                     
All flaming and red.                                        
They want to find it, I don't know what for                 
                                                            
 4567 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS                              



In the darkest part of the wee hours,                       
Away from the town's candlepower,                           
If you got out of bed,                                      
You'd have seen, overhead,                                  
The Leonid Meteor Shower.                                   
                                                            
 4568 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Dr Limerick  11-19-01    



I was watching the heavens one night                        
When I glimpsed an object quite bright.                     
The meteor streaked down                                    
Without making a sound,                                     
And promptly disappeared out of sight.                      
                                                            
 4569 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Tom Campbell             



I was in my yard cutting the grass                          
When it came in amazingly fast                              
I know where it fell                                        
I'm embarrassed to tell                                     
The damn thing buried itself up my ass.                     
                                                            
 4570 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS                              



Bill Clinton was grabbed by a cop:                          
"From smoking that weed you must stop."                     
"I don't, sir, feel high,                                   
Like that thing in the sky;                                 
I swear I did not inHale-Bopp."                             
                                                            
 4571 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS                              



This thing that's called Halley's Comet,                    
I wouldn't make wishes upon it.                             
I would hesitate                                            
To base my whole fate,                                      
Or even to comment upon it.                                 
                                                            
 4572 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     M Hale                   



I doubt if you could ever pawn it;                          
This fuzz-ball idea of a comet.                             
Passers-by it                                               
May pause to eye it,                                        
But I cannot think of who'd want it.                        
                                                            
 4573 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     M Hale                   



The media now will flaunt it.                               
Some fool will then write a sonnet.                         
We looked high and low                                      
For the spectacular show,                                   
And right there it was, dog-gone it.                        
                                                            
 4574 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     M Hale                   



From down out of the sky came a rock,                       
It's full impact was felt for a block,                      
And she came as it hit,                                     
While he yelled out "Oh Shit!"                              
As they felt the earth move from the shock.                 
                                                            
 4575 ASTRONOMY - METEORS/COMETS     Bob Birch           P9809



There was a professor named Sagan,                          
Who pondered how life did begin.                            
"From the stars we did come,                                
And when we are done,                                       
Our death is another's origin."                             
                                                            
 4576 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



Astronomers were full of emotions,                          
Trying to predict orbital motions.                          
Copernicus solved the riddle:                               
He put the Sun in the middle,                               
And laid to rest all other notions.                         
                                                            
 4577 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



"Copernicus, this is a hoax.                                
Although it may bamboozle some folks,                       
That the Earth circles round                                
Its own Sun, does sound                                     
Like one of your damned Polish Jokes."                      
                                                            
 4578 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             A. N. Wilkins       P8908



Copernicus gave his reply                                   
To those who had pledged to deny.                           
"All your additions                                         
To ancient convictions                                      
Won't bring back your place in the sky."                    
                                                            
 4579 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             David Morin et al        



Stephen Hawking's "no boundary" condition                   
Puts God in an awkward position.                            
With nothing to do,                                         
His purpose is through,                                     
So He might as well fix my transmission.                    
                                                            
 4580 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Kay R Devicci            



Said that well-known cosmologist Hawking:                   
"Stop arguing, cut out the squawking.                       
If you're asking who knows                                  
How the universe goes,                                      
Then you'd better let me do the talking.                    
                                                            
 4581 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Joan M Freeman      P0111



A clever professor named Hoyle                              
After decades of study and toil,                            
To prominence sprang                                        
Saying, "Hang the BIG BANG",                                
He was never Astronomer Royal.                              
                                                            
 4582 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Odd Bodikins        P0109



In youth, his hair grew like a weed,                        
But Old Hubble was balding, indeed.                         
"I know that I ought                                        
To make this constant a naught,                             
Then my hairline will never recede."                        
                                                            
 4583 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Devlin Gualtieri         



There once was a Bell engineer                              
Named Jansky, who had a good ear.                           
When the Archer was high,                                   
His radio would cry;                                        
"It's coming from space", he would cheer.                   
                                                            
 4584 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



An eminent scientist, Jeans,                                
Expounds what "The Universe" means.                         
His views about God                                         
Are held to be odd,                                         
By numerous bishops and deans.                              
                                                            
 4585 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Jim Weaver Collection    



Johannes Kepler's First Law was this:                       
Orbits aren't round, but ellipse.                           
With the Sun at one foci,                                   
The planets do fly by,                                      
And achieve harmonious bliss.                               
                                                            
 4586 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



Elliptical orbits were still on his mind,                   
So the Second Law he quickly devined:                       
When plotting their motion,                                 
He got the notion                                           
Of equal area in equal time.                                
                                                            
 4587 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



The Third Law is hard to discuss;                           
But understand it we must.                                  
When two planets are compared,                              
The ratio of their periods squared                          
Is the cube of there orbital radius.                        
                                                            
 4588 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



Astronomers have their own goals                            
To discover Sol's holes and their roles,                    
As they gaze in the sky,                                    
But I want to know why                                      
The earth has so many assholes.                             
                                                            
 4589 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE                                      



If one took the time to compare                             
The sum of the roots of the square                          
Of the distance proportional                                
To forces distortional,                                     
You'd see assholes just come from thin air.                 
                                                            
 4590 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE                                      



The next question is where do they go.                      
Well the answer I'm sure we all know.                       
As one might have suspected,                                
They all get elected                                        
And turn up on Larry King's show.                           
                                                            
 4591 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE                                      



Hawking couldn't walk, it is true.                          
But his brain needed something to do.                       
So he thought about mass                                    
And collapsed balls of gas,                                 
And his reputation sure grew.                               
                                                            
 4592 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



Brahe, astronomer extraordinaire,                           
Pursued heavenly bodies with flair.                         
His interests astronomical                                  
Had relevance anatomical:                                   
He had Stella, his helper, go bare!                         
                                                            
 4593 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Macsam                   



For years, Brahe sat down on one spot;                      
Orbital positions he decided to plot.                       
He was able to pin it                                       
To within an arcminute,                                     
And helped the astronomers a lot.                           
                                                            
 4594 ASTRONOMY - PEOPLE             Tom Campbell             



Trans-Neptunian object?  No dice!                           
Folks on Pluto reacted with ice.                            
The attack they did mount;                                  
Forced a NASA recount:                                      
Back to nine planets; eight don't suffice!                  
                                                            
 4595 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Prof M-G                 



An astronaut, trained and adroit,                           
The frontiers of space did exploit.                         
He could walk with disdain                                  
On the moon's bleak terrrain,                               
But could not walk the streets of Detroit.                  
                                                            
 4596 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Albin Chaplin 3024  P8211



The earth is quite tilted, we know,                         
As around our own Sun it does go.                           
At twenty three point five degrees,                         
It spins with such ease,                                    
And changes the seasonal show.                              
                                                            
 4597 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Tom Campbell             



We all know the planet called Earth.                        
We call it the home of our birth.                           
Seas, mountans, and air,                                    
Life is found everywhere.                                   
It's a planet of obvious worth.                             
                                                            
 4598 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



If the earth should explode in the air,                     
We will all go to join Fred Astaire.                        
The planet's so small,                                      
It won't matter at all.                                     
The universe really won't care.                             
                                                            
 4599 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Al Willis                



This pure nonsense verse will mayhap please,                
Though it could make some feel ill at ease.                 
Said the Man in the Moon                                    
Viewing earth in late June,                                 
"From up here it resembles Green Cheese."                   
                                                            
 4600 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



Eclipses were once fairly cryptic,                          
But now they require no great mystic.                       
It happens, as a rule,                                      
When with New Moon or Full,                                 
Occurs while it's on the ecliptic.                          
                                                            
 4601 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Tom Campbell             



There was an old woman from Pismo                           
Who invented a wonderful gizmo,                             
That caused men of girth                                    
To orbit the earth;                                         
Now there's always full moons over Pismo!                   
                                                            
 4602 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS                                     



The Mars rock amazed all the nations.                       
The scientists cheered with elation.                        
Others share the good news,                                 
Still looking for clues...                                  
And listening at their SETI stations.                       
                                                            
 4603 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Mary Singer              



They've found a new moon called Iapetus                     
That points a immense global cap at us.                     
Then it convulses and shakes                                
Its immense molten lakes,                                   
And ejects steaming jets of hot crap at us.                 
                                                            
 4604 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Chuck Davis              



The largest planet is Jupiter.                              
I learned about it on my computer.                          
Clouds twisting orange                                      
Like rust on a door hinge;                                  
Before I knew this, I was stupider.                         
                                                            
 4605 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



Jupiter's largest of all;                                   
A hydrogen helium ball.                                     
Twisting clouds humor us;                                   
Moons that are numerous;                                    
Comparing the two, Earth is small.                          
                                                            
 4606 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



Mars is the planet that's red.                              
It might have had life, but looks dead.                     
It's dusty and rusty                                        
With winds that are gusty.                                  
It's cold there so cover your head.                         
                                                            
 4607 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



There once was a fellow named Percival;                     
An astronomer most unmerciful.                              
But instead of the stars,                                   
He kept looking at Mars,                                    
And thought the canals were immersible.                     
                                                            
 4608 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Tom Campbell             



A small rock once fell from the sky;                        
It carried a message from high.                             
I come from the stars,                                      
I'm your father from Mars,                                  
So give me a hug, and say Hi!                               
                                                            
 4609 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Cathy Anderson           



There's a planet we know we call Mercury;                   
It orbits the Sun in a hurry.                               
Only eighty-eight days                                      
To go 'round all the way.                                   
It's a wonder it doesn't look blurry.                       
                                                            
 4610 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



A beautiful cobalt blue,                                    
Neptune's a planet, it's true.                              
With winds that blow fast                                   
And blizzards of frozen gas,                                
Its eight moons must have quite a view!                     
                                                            
 4611 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



Pluto's the farthest of all.                                
Compared to the rest, it is small.                          
Of features and such,                                       
We don't know very much,                                    
Because Pluto is such a small ball!                         
                                                            
 4612 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



Of beautiful Saturn I sing,                                 
A light fluffy puffball type thing.                         
We know from the math,                                      
It would float in the bath.                                 
Of course, it would leave a big ring.                       
                                                            
 4613 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



She ventures outside without caution.                       
She doesn't need bagels to nosh on.                         
She thrives in thin air,                                    
Digging samples up there...                                 
"Sojourner" is my favorite Martian.                         
                                                            
 4614 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Mary Singer              



There is a small germ on a flea,                            
On a cat on a limb on a tree,                               
On a lawn in Rangoon,                                       
On an orb with one moon,                                    
In a gravity well called Sol 3.                             
                                                            
 4615 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS                                     



The cat, flea, and all are just grime,                      
Who feel it ain't easy to climb.                            
They don't understand                                       
A flick of my hand,                                         
Is flushing a loo in space-time.                            
                                                            
 4616 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS                                     



We've entered the month we call June;                       
The solstice will be with us soon;                          
Our daylight is high,                                       
Its zenith is nigh;                                         
The rays from the sun are bestrewn.                         
                                                            
 4617 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Cap'n Bean          P0307



A milestone in reaching the stars,                          
Is to "terraform" deserts on Mars,                          
And make them appear                                        
Like the deserts down here,                                 
Fairly littered in derelict cars.                           
                                                            
 4618 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Alex Heydon         P0402



As we grow up, we open an ear,                              
Exploring the cosmic frontier.                              
In this coming of age,                                      
We turn in our cage,                                        
All alone on a tiny blue sphere.                            
                                                            
 4619 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            David Morin et al        



Our telescopes show the Moon bare.                          
No rentals, no cabs anywhere.                               
No autos, just lots                                         
Of small moving spots.                                      
One giant step and you are there.                           
                                                            
 4620 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Irving Superior     P9203



A child of the Universe, I'm one,                           
And living on Earth sure is fun.                            
I take, with much pride,                                    
My free annual ride;                                        
A colorful trip 'round the sun.                             
                                                            
 4621 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Friar                    



I suppose everybody's all seen us                           
Discussing these issues of Venus,                           
But I must make clear,                                      
That everyone here                                          
Expected a mention of penis.                                
                                                            
 4622 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS                                     



An Earth-sized planet is Venus,                             
But there's not much in common between us.                  
Acid clouds keep it hot;                                    
A paradise it's not.                                        
On Venus the weather is heinous!                            
                                                            
 4623 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Parisi and Dye           



There was a star gazer of Burton,                           
Whose answers were rather uncertain;                        
When they said, "How is Venus?"                             
He thought they said, "Penis"                               
And answered, "The darn thing's been hurtin'"               
                                                            
 4624 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Edwardian Leer 100       



The surface of Venus I dread;                               
It's heated so hot it melts lead.                           
I'm so glad, I declare,                                     
That we do not live there,                                  
For I fear that we all would be dead.                       
                                                            
 4625 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS            Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



Uranus rolls 'round on its side,                            
With rings that stretch far and wide.                       
A big ball of gas,                                          
As green as the grass,                                      
It's the name that I just can't abide.                      
                                                            
 4626 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Parisi and Dye           



"When I noticed the satellite's grayness                    
In space," said astronomer Janus,                           
"Perineum's the name                                        
That I chose for its fame,                                  
Since I found it right next to Uranus."                     
                                                            
 4627 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS                            



Embarrassed and terribly shy,                               
His mother, she started to cry,                             
When astronomer Fred                                        
Yelled, "Hey, Mom, look ahead -                             
Uranus is up in the sky!"                                   
                                                            
 4628 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Cap'n Bean               



No doubt you may think this absoid,                         
But Uranus is red (have you hoid?)                          
No wonder it's red;                                         
It's due to bloodshed.                                      
It has a great big hemorrhoid.                              
                                                            
 4629 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Jim Weaver Collection    



An astronomy student named Yearly                           
Said he thought his girl acted queerly                      
When he told his delight                                    
"I was counting tonight                                     
Upon seeing Uranus more clearly."                           
                                                            
 4630 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Arthur Wilkins      P8911



To his wife said astronomer Janus.                          
"New facts from the skies entertain us.                     
Those farts heard on the moon                               
Did not come from Rangoon.                                  
I suspect that they came from Uranus.                       
                                                            
 4631 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Al Chaplin          P8507



An astronomer, pious but odd                                
(To be honest, a dirty old sod),                            
Who'd searched for a sign                                   
Of the presence divine,                                     
Cried, "I've just found Uranus, dear God!"                  
                                                            
 4632 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Linda Marsh Coll         



To his wife said astronomer Janus,                          
"Much renown in the world we will gain us,                  
When I publish my paper                                     
On the ungodly vapor                                        
And the rings I have seen on Uranus."                       
                                                            
 4633 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Albin Chaplin   3024-2133



Lil' Pluto is cold as witch tit,                            
And Neptune will make you frostbit.                         
Our favorite waste drop?                                    
Sol Seven's our stop;                                       
Uranus is where we dump shit.                               
                                                            
 4634 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   H Welchel                



Under the stars waxed a lecher most heinous.                
To the girl, "Don't let morals restrain us.                 
Though I've made a career,                                  
Out of Venus, my dear,                                      
I am tempted to switch to Uranus."                          
                                                            
 4635 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS   Ashland Lions Club  P9012



The Astronomy students would tell,                          
Their female professor, Miss Nell:                          
"We want you to train us,                                   
To look at Uranus...                                        
(And catch sight of your pussy as well!)"                   
                                                            
 4636 ASTRONOMY - PLANETS - URANUS                            



The nearest star is Alpha Centari.                          
Tickets are six billion dinari                              
For a rather long trip                                      
In a rickety ship,                                          
But the weather's great in Feb-u-ary                        
                                                            
 4637 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Lynn Mostafa             



Alpha centauri's a binary star,                             
The distance to which is quite far.                         
Said Einstein one night,                                    
"To measure, use light.                                     
Then it's only 4.3 Jahr!"                                   
                                                            
 4638 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Chris Matthews      P0111



Will a space alien from afar                                
Think the human race is less than par?                      
Should we be ashamed                                        
Just because we have named                                  
Our galaxy for a candy bar?                                 
                                                            
 4639 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Tom Patton          P9707



Cassiopeia said, "Sorry to trouble you,                     
But I find that I'm seeking another view,                   
As to what eyes do see                                      
Looking skyward for me,                                     
And all they can find is a double-u."                       
                                                            
 4640 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Ystap              TP9802



A brown stain, persistent as moles,                         
Surrounds where them queers poke their poles.               
Astronomers heed:                                           
I've oft done the deed --                                   
That's why Sol's corona has holes.                          
                                                            
 4641 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE                               



There once was greedy old star                              
Who ate all the mass, near and far.                         
It finally off-gassed                                       
A huge stinky blast,                                        
And that's why we are what we are.                          
                                                            
 4642 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE                               



Our galaxy's a glorious sight;                              
Millions of stars help it shine bright.                     
Called the Milky Way,                                       
It's gone during the day,                                   
But shows up quite nicely at night.                         
                                                            
 4643 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Tom Campbell             



M42 is a nebula grand;                                      
It has the shape of a fan.                                  
Inside are four suns                                        
That make a trapezium,                                      
Each sparkling like dew in the sand.                        
                                                            
 4644 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Tom Campbell             



William Herschel worked hard in the night;                  
For discovering Uranus, he became a knight.                 
But his nebulae catalog                                     
Made astronomers all agog;                                  
Even today, it can cause delight.                           
                                                            
 4645 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Tom Campbell             



The astronomer, "Specious" McBain,                          
Who, for the treasured Nobel did fain,                      
Couldn't prove that he saw                                  
Change in Andromeda,                                        
For he found data keeping a strain.                         
                                                            
 4646 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



An astronomer from far Arecibo                              
Saw life in the region of Leo.                              
They said it was clear                                      
That the local strong beer,                                 
Was more than a gentle placebo.                             
                                                            
 4647 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Mike O'Conner            



Long ago, the econ profession                               
Thought sunspots could cause a depression,                  
By ruining crops,                                           
But now commerce stops                                      
When solar flares fuzz up transmissions.                    
                                                            
 4648 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Dr Limerick  03-31-01    



An astronomer, down in his cellar,                          
Told his girlfriend he wanted to smell 'er.                 
So she took off her clothes,                                
And he buried his nose,                                     
And exclaimed, "Your aroma is stellar?"                     
                                                            
 4649 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Cap'n Bean               



Said an astronaut stuck in his Gemini,                      
"I'm afraid, as things stand presently,                     
The latch on the hatch                                      
Has a catch that won't catch --                             
And the view may be getting more heavenly."                 
                                                            
 4650 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Richard Rhodes      P8211



Say a a cheer for a Taurean male!                           
As a bed-mate light-years past the pale;                    
Us hornier cows're                                          
The first to shout "Yowsa!"                                 
Let's all grab the bull by the tail!"                       
                                                            
 4651 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Robin K. Willoughby P8905



A man whose studies were Zodiacal,                          
Of an intensity almost maniacal,                            
Would often stare                                           
At Ursa the Bear,                                           
The major of which is Kodiacal.                             
                                                            
 4652 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      L Kintz                  



A million billion stars are swirling.                       
A trillion zillion planets are twirling.                    
How conceited we be                                         
To think that only we                                       
Here, have intelligence unfurling.                          
                                                            
 4653 ASTRONOMY - STARS/NEBULAE      Lynn Mostafa             



High velocity clouds can be found                           
And in galaxies' disks they abound.                         
Now although superbubbles                                   
Have given great troubles,                                  
The model called "fountain" is sound.                       
                                                            
 4654 ASTRONOMY - THEORY                                      



An astonaut, Captain McTavity,                              
Maintained that it was not depravity                        
Which made men on the flight                                
Laugh and chuckle all night,                                
But merely the absence of gravity.                          
                                                            
 4655 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             A. N. Wilkins       P8406



Our Sun is a hot ball of gas,                               
Which has a medium mass.                                    
It will someday explode                                     
When it grows old,                                          
And will become a white dwarf, alas.                        
                                                            
 4656 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Tom Campbell             



Darwinians worry me so;                                     
They say the Lord is a no-no.                               
But this bright new gang                                    
Studied the Big Bang,                                       
Found a sound, just before, that went "Uh, Oh!"             
                                                            
 4657 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Gunjan Saraf             



An astronomiss happily sang,                                
"I've been screwed by the telescope gang,                   
They all had a bit o' me,                                   
For I'm the epitome                                         
Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."                        
                                                            
 4658 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Isaac Asimov             



Using this technique, physicist Leary,                      
Solved a cosmological query.                                
He marshalled his facts                                     
As he reached his climax,                                   
Which is why it is called Big Bang Theory.                  
                                                            
 4659 ASTRONOMY - THEORY                                      



Great minds have been known to recite,                      
Or in papers they publish, to write                         
That before time began,                                     
There occurred a Big Bang --                                
But the theory is always a fright!                          
                                                            
 4660 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Chris Marks              



There was a materialist who,                                
When asked how the universe grew                            
Said "Cos theta sin phi                                     
By the cube root of pi                                      
All over factorial Q."                                      
                                                            
 4661 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Geoffery Martin          



Said a deep thinking Fellow of Trinity                      
Replied: "That is pure asininity.                           
Nay, rather I'd say                                         
It's the xth power of j                                     
Divided by minus inifinity."                                
                                                            
 4662 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Geoffery Martin          



Science said a Big Bang was recorded;                       
Is outer space too getting sordid?                          
It banged Ursa Major,                                       
Then sought to engage her;                                  
"I'm innocent," Clinton retorted.                           
                                                            
 4663 ASTRONOMY - THEORY                                      



Earth quivers and quakes every day,                         
In relations with Sol, so some say.                         
Does the Earth get its rocks                                
On rude aftershocks,                                        
Or is this just cosmic foreplay.                            
                                                            
 4664 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             John Miller 0341         



I wonder who turned off the lights;                         
I wonder who cause us such frights.                         
With the prices so high,                                    
I have to ask, "Why?                                        
Can't we simply eliminate nights?"                          
                                                            
 4665 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Bob Birch           P0105



The end of the planet is nigh                               
For that great fiery ball up on high                        
Means we're doomed to be...Eh?                              
What's that did you say?                                    
Are you sure that's the Sun in the sky?                     
                                                            
 4666 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Peter Wilkins            



In Nineteen Ninety Nine, my dear friend,                    
The world as we know it, will end.                          
Be it nuke or a comet,                                      
Mountain base, summit,                                      
These thought can drive you 'round the bend.                
                                                            
 4667 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Mushroom                 



Some believe these predictions are pith,                    
And have salt to take them a pinch with.                    
But I think it is true,                                     
Just between me and you,                                    
It'll end on September the fifth!                           
                                                            
 4668 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Mushroom                 



Said a Flat Earth guy, "Well, I'll be dipped!               
Global Warming should surely be skipped.                    
If we like it or not,                                       
When the Earth gets too hot,                                
Like a pancake we'll just have it flipped."                 
                                                            
 4669 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Tom Patton          P0310



The Flat Earth Society chief                                
Today heaved a sigh of relief.                              
"The talk of global warming                                 
To us is no warning,                                        
'Cause the globe's a ficticious belief."                    
                                                            
 4670 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



God said, "I find no delight                                
In my constant H's sad plight.                              
Is it high? is it low?                                      
They simply don't know.                                     
(And I'm not quite sure which is right.)                    
(Hubble constant)                                           
 4671 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             David Halliday           



The cosmos according to Hubble                              
Expands like the soap of a bubble.                          
Let's hope it's not closed;                                 
It would then be disposed                                   
To shrink down to zero, and that's trouble.                 
                                                            
 4672 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             David Morin et al   P0111



Asked Kepler, "Is it a mere notion                          
Or a strange result of that potion                          
Which I last ingested.                                      
Besides being bested                                        
My head spins in unlawful motion."                          
                                                            
 4673 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9707



As the cosmos expands, growing flatter,                     
The cosmologists argue and chatter                          
About that which he knows,                                  
Or massive neutrinos --                                     
They want to know what's the (dark) matter.                 
                                                            
 4674 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             K R Devicci         P0111



The accountant was ranting and hissing!                     
Such an audit was not of our wishing!                       
But such was our state,                                     
An astronomer's fate,                                       
Since some of our mass was found missing.                   
                                                            
 4675 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Devlin Gualtieri         



There was an old man who observed,                          
"I confess I am somewhat unnerved.                          
I had never before                                          
Seen the truth of the lore                                  
That, where matter is, space must be curved!                
                                                            
 4676 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Jim Weaver Collection    



An object which travels in space,                           
A circular orbit will trace.                                
Yet notions persist                                         
That a force does exist                                     
Which makes a straight path commonplace.                    
                                                            
 4677 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



Our Sun is a hot ball of gas,                               
Which has just a medium mass.                               
It will someday explode                                     
When it gets too old,                                       
When it becomes a White Dwarf, alas.                        
                                                            
 4678 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Tom Campbell             



There was a professor called Dingle,                        
Who made physicist's nerve-endings tingle.                  
His travelling clocks                                       
Caused grave mental blocks,                                 
In those who felt time should stay single.                  
                                                            
 4679 ASTRONOMY - THEORY                                      



With reference to certain grave matters,                    
Our nebulous suddenly shatters.                             
Just then with great awe,                                   
I suddenly saw                                              
That our vacuum now shows up in tatters.                    
                                                            
 4680 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Baxter Sperry       P0111



Velikovsky's adherents take pride                           
In past worlds inclined to collide.                         
Though not in compliance                                    
With canons of science,                                     
They cite more than facts can provide.                      
                                                            
 4681 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Paul Niquette            



Velikovsky the ephemerist                                   
Must be daft as a brush to insist                           
That Venus collided                                         
With Mars and then glided                                   
To where, to this day, it persists.                         
                                                            
 4682 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Alexander Baron          



Or perhaps the poor fellow was drunk,                       
Or as mad as an old Tsarist monk.                           
For when one analyses                                       
His weirdo surmises,                                        
And theories, they show up as bunk!                         
                                                            
 4683 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Alexander Baron          



But the men with a scientific yen                           
Won themselves little credit back then,                     
By the paranoid treatment                                   
They gave to his statement,                                 
Supressing the works of his pen.                            
                                                            
 4684 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Alexander Baron          



We've come to expect men of science                         
To insist on the total compliance                           
Of the community                                            
With the way that they see                                  
Laws and theorems: God help the defiants.                   
                                                            
 4685 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Alexander Baron          



For it seems that religion has not                          
Quite a total monopoly got                                  
Of the bigoted type                                         
Who deprecate as tripe                                      
The less-orthodox reasoning lot.                            
                                                            
 4686 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Alexander Baron          



Because Science is an oligarchy,                            
And the scientists are despots who see                      
Every man in the street                                     
As outside the elite,                                       
If he has not a college degree.                             
                                                            
 4687 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Alexander Baron          



Point of interest for scientists not clergy,                
Darwinians to Physicists in synergy;                        
From Richard Dawkins                                        
To Stephen Hawkins,                                         
Ask what came first -- mass or energy.                      
                                                            
 4688 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Gunjan                   



I guess the CONUNDRUM's the same,                           
If one plays the "go back there" game.                      
Before there was matter,                                    
Or even light scatter,                                      
What's there before energy came?                            
                                                            
 4689 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Chris Papa               



On cosmology I'll not pretend,                              
So it's questions that I have to send.                      
Where the universe starts                                   
And what are its parts,                                     
And where could it possibly end?                            
                                                            
 4690 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Bob Birch           P0111



Einstein's theory and the speed of light,                   
Have proven to be exactly right.                            
But there are no clues                                      
Who lit the 'Big Bang' fuse                                 
That awesome prehistoric night.                             
                                                            
 4691 ASTRONOMY - THEORY             Al Cape Town             



An intergalactic explorer,                                  
While sleeping, was such a loud snorer,                     
Astronomers heard                                           
Her and wrongly inferred                                    
A new radio-wavelength aurora.                              
                                                            
 4692 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Anon                     



The night was as clear as could be.                         
I ran inside shouting "Yippee!"                             
Came back out with my scope,                                
Set it up, like a dope,                                     
And noticed the sky had turned cloudy.                      
                                                            
 4693 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



My daughter this night called to me:                        
Come look, Mom!  The moon you must see.                     
The night sky's dark hue;                                   
A breathtaking view.                                        
A celestial display, all for free.                          
                                                            
 4694 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Jenni Saqua              



Hervelius on a clear night did view                         
Through the scope on a pole hanging true,                   
That due to a subordinate,                                  
The flexture was inordinate                                 
And the back of his head was on view.                       
(And I thought space was curved - McW)                      
 4695 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     MEK                      



There was a young Scotsman from Clune,                      
Who was obsessed with watching the moon.                    
He would watch the night sky;                               
New telescope to his eye;                                   
He felt that daytime came too soon.                         
                                                            
 4696 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Arthur Pattaffy          



Infinite galaxies all,                                      
Iridescently glowing enthrall,                              
In that vastness unreal.                                    
As I look up I feel                                         
Insignificant, humble and small.                            
                                                            
 4697 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Peter Wilkins            



Many a night finds me gazing                                
Into the heavens amazing.                                   
It's blurred here in town,                                  
With lights all around,                                     
And all of the barbies a-braising.                          
                                                            
 4698 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     H Whelchel               



I dream of a night on the sea --                            
Just one universe and one me.                               
The running lights out,                                     
And no moon about --                                        
Frightened, awe-smitten, and free.                          
                                                            
 4699 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     H Whelchel               



An astronaut fixing the Hubble                              
Chewed gum and got into some trouble.                       
He floated away                                             
And his crewmates would say,                                
That he should not have blown such a bubble.                
                                                            
 4700 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Richard Long             



Pictures from the telescope Hubble                          
Cause our scientists too much trouble.                      
The lens, in reverse                                        
Makes our universe                                          
To appear to be more than double.                           
                                                            
 4701 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Patton               



Away from pollution and cars,                               
I love to gaze up at the stars.                             
The sky that we're under                                    
Is so full of wonder:                                       
Galaxies!  Nebulas!  Mars!                                  
                                                            
 4702 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Ellen                    



Glowing streaks in the sky, early morn,                     
Grand commencement of day, sun's sojourn;                   
Bursting forth at daybreak,                                 
As you gaze wide-awake,                                     
The full glory of dawning unshorn.                          
                                                            
 4703 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Joel D Ash               



Yellow orb to the heavens ascends,                          
Sweet mantle of warmth now extends;                         
Sun dance o’er treetops,                                    
Citron eye of Cyclops,                                      
Staring down on green fields as it wends.                   
                                                            
 4704 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Joel D Ash               



Bright noon with the sun at its height,                     
White light of our shining birthright;                      
No cloud up above,                                          
Scintillation thereof,                                      
Brilliant sparkles of blinding sunlight.                    
                                                            
 4705 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Joel D Ash               



The afternoon shimmer pervades,                             
The splendor and dazzle cascades;                           
Ablaze in the blue,                                         
Radiance, golden hue,                                       
Nature basking below in warm glades.                        
                                                            
 4706 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Joel D Ash               



The end of the day is at hand,                              
Sun fades as the shadows expand;                            
Gleaming sunset, red blush,                                 
Final soft glowing flush,                                   
Then the light rays in darkness disband.                    
                                                            
 4707 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Joel D Ash               



The moon reflects the sun's light;                          
When Full, it can really be bright.                         
Astronomers like it New                                     
Or it cuts out the view                                     
Of the fainter objects at night.                            
                                                            
 4708 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



An English astronomer named Herschel,                       
Was considered to be contraversial.                         
As he looked to the sky,                                    
Telescope to his eye,                                       
He was told he was being commercial.                        
                                                            
 4709 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Arthur Pattaffy          



Said a brilliant astronomer, Hubble,                        
If the Earth were not shaped like a bubble,                 
But instead were made square,                               
Then its corners, I swear,                                  
Would cause sailors a whole heap of trouble.                
                                                            
 4710 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Anna Pest    P0111  P9005



A wonderful tube is the Hubble,                             
Peering out from its space-platform bubble.                 
Through billions of years,                                  
The telescope peers,                                        
Turning creationist stuff into rubble!                      
                                                            
 4711 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Bert                     



A porkbarrel project called Hubble                          
Was naught but a boondoggle bubble.                         
It was built out of scrap                                   
And a real piece of crap;                                   
It will never cause nothing but trouble.                    
                                                            
 4712 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Frank Ward          P9401



Its construction was poorly inspected,                      
Else its problems would have been detected.                 
But they knew if it flew                                    
Away out past the blue,                                     
No damned way that it could be rejected.                    
                                                            
 4713 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Frank Ward          P9401



NASA knew the whole thing was all wrong                     
And it would need repairs before long.                      
They would put on the show                                  
And as for the dough,                                       
They'd be able to sing their own song.                      
                                                            
 4714 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Frank Ward          P9401



NASA knows if they make the repairs                         
And none of the credit it shares,                           
It's a good situation.                                      
When we build a space station,                              
The contract will damned sure be theirs.                    
                                                            
 4715 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Frank Ward          P9401



A noted stargazer nocturnal                                 
Behaved in a manner infernal,                               
From the first night in June                                
When there shone a full moon,                               
Until after the equinox vernal.                             
                                                            
 4716 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Albin Chaplin 3024  P9801



There was an old man who said, "Why                         
I contnue to look at the sky,                               
Is a matter which pains                                     
The astutest of brains --                                   
Which are none of them mine, by the by."                    
                                                            
 4717 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Jim Weaver Collection    



I looked at the sky one clear night;                        
The heavens were glorious and bright.                       
As I sat there and gazed                                    
I was greatly amazed                                        
At the glow of the heavenly light                           
                                                            
 4718 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



There were stars and galaxies galore,                       
And nebulae and clusters and more!                          
Though distances astound,                                   
The light does abound                                       
And shines upon all -- rich and poor.                       
                                                            
 4719 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



I wondered how this would appear                            
If I were someplace other than here.                        
And I'd see the display                                     
Of our own Milky Way                                        
Up close, and with everything near.                         
                                                            
 4720 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



Perhaps there's a nebulous cloud;                           
Its colors so bold and so loud.                             
Taking up half the sky,                                     
I would probably sigh                                       
And ask, "What is hidden by the shroud?"                    
                                                            
 4721 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



Or maybe I'd be near a cluster                              
Of a thousand suns with their luster.                       
The heavens would be bright                                 
And there'd hardly be night;                                
Sleep would be a hard thing to muster.                      
                                                            
 4722 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



I thought I'd enjoy the sky more                            
If from somewhere else I could explore;                     
But I see I was wrong.                                      
I'd not like it for long;                                   
I think Earth is the perfect shore.                         
                                                            
 4723 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



Newton's telescope was a disaster;                          
He hated his lens-filled refractor.                         
Upon reflection, he said,                                   
"I'll try this instead.                                     
I'll make one with mirrors; it's faster."                   
                                                            
 4724 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



Astronomy is sometimes a curse,                             
And you need more and more of a purse.                      
You get hunger to feed                                      
Bigger aperture need,                                       
So I ask you, "Now what could be worse?"                    
                                                            
 4725 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



It looked like a glorious night,                            
But the streetlamps were turned up too bright.              
When shining that way,                                      
The night turned to day,                                    
And made me wish for a rural site.                          
                                                            
 4726 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



They are searching the sky with projectors,                 
Superpowerful top-notch reflectors.                         
Are they paging to Mars?                                    
Sending E-mail to stars?                                    
Splitting up the night sky into sectors?                    
                                                            
 4727 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Nik Syntskyy             



It's great to be out in the dark                            
With your telescope; oh, what a lark!                       
But with a friend or two                                    
That want to share the view,                                
Now that is a walk in the park.                             
                                                            
 4728 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Tom Campbell             



An astronomer fellow named Mark                             
Was sure it would be a great lark                           
To have a girl eye                                          
The stars in the sky                                        
And see what came up in the dark.                           
                                                            
 4729 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Isaac Asimov             



He was an intrepid stargazer,                               
He found what he sees with a laser.                         
As he spends days and nights                                
Watching heavenly sights,                                   
He hoped he would be a trail-blazer!                        
                                                            
 4730 ASTRONOMY - VIEWING/SCOPES     Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a young man from Greenwich,                  
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.                  
So long was his tool,                                       
It was wound on a spool,                                    
In-ich, by in-ich, by in-ich!                               
                                                            
 4731 BALLS - COVERED                A C Swinburne       L0167



But this tale has an unhappy finich,                        
For due to the sand in the spinach,                         
His ballocks grew rough,                                    
And wrecked his wife's muff,                                
And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.               
                                                            
 4732 BALLS - COVERED                                    L0168



Though in fucking I dearly delight,                         
Now I'm surely the town's saddest sight.                    
For the hair on my belly                                    
Wore off fucking Nellie,                                    
And my balls are half-frozen at night.                      
                                                            
 4733 BALLS - COVERED                                    G2005



A patrician young fellow named Lear,                        
Used to wash off his balls with beer.                       
Said he, "By the gods,                                      
This is good for the cods--                                 
It will lengthen my fucking career."                        
                                                            
 4734 BALLS - COVERED                                    L1463



A mason, one of the Malones,                                
Put a coat of cement on his stones.                         
"They keep warmer at night,                                 
And are bound to hang tight,                                
And not bruise themselves on my knee-bones."                
                                                            
 4735 BALLS - COVERED                                    L1476



A pretty young girl Eskimo,                                 
Thought it very patriotic to sew,                           
Ballock-warmers to those,                                   
Who were fighting the foes,                                 
And on whom the North wind would blow.                      
                                                            
 4736 BALLS - COVERED                                    L1417



There once was a taciturn stroke,                           
And rarely it was that he spoke,                            
But he called to the cox,                                   
"You must care for your jocks                               
If you value the power to poke."                            
                                                            
 4737 BALLS - COVERED                Harold C. Bibby          



I've found a solution, ol' chap,                            
For jeans with the tightest 'crotch trap.'                  
In crotch, cut a hole                                       
To free balls and pole,                                     
Then apron the front with a flap!                           
                                                            
 4738 BALLS - COVERED                Travis Brasell           



There was an old roue named Cooley;                         
Whose knockers they dangled unduly.                         
Said he with a frown,                                       
"I'll tie thee things down,                                 
Or damned if my name ain't Yours Truly."                    
                                                            
 4739 BALLS - COVERED                Armand Singer       P0207



Said a whore in a house in Shit Falls,                      
"While they ain't very stylish, men's balls                 
Are delightful to feel;                                     
If you squeeze 'em, they squeal,                            
But don't twist their balls, 'cause they squalls!"          
                                                            
 4740 BALLS - COVERED                                    G0451



There was a young man named Walljasper,                     
Who invented a fur-lined ball-clasper.                      
A half turn to the right                                    
Would bring squeals of delight,                             
To the most sterile, impotent whoremaster.                  
                                                            
 4741 BALLS - COVERED                                    L1361



There was a young blade from South Greece,                  
Whose bush did so greatly increase,                         
That before he could shack,                                 
He must hunt needle in stack.                               
'Twas as bad as being obese.                                
                                                            
 4742 BALLS - COVERED                                    L0236



I'm lacivious too, in my way,                               
Not straight and not beat and not gay.                      
But the sight of brass rowlocks                             
Makes me reach for my ballocks,                             
With the thought I'd best hide them away.                   
                                                            
 4743 BALLS - COVERED                                    G2742



A major league pitcher named Clyde                          
Had a terrible spat with his bride.                         
It seems her reproaches                                     
Are the same as his coach's;                                
His balls are too high and inside.                          
                                                            
 4744 BALLS - COVERED                Margaret A. Murdock P8303



Please knit me a sack for my balls;                         
I like to go running through halls.                         
They're hanging so low,                                     
They swing to and fro,                                      
And often knock paint from the walls.                       
                                                            
 4745 BALLS - COVERED                H Welchel                



I hope that bright yellow will do.                          
My ball yarns are limited to                                
Colors like yellow                                          
And orange day-glo.                                         
The rest come in skeins.  So do you?                        
                                                            
 4746 BALLS - COVERED                Marlene                  



I think she is knitting a beauty,                           
For wearing on your little cutie.                           
It's done in a whiz                                         
Because the size is                                         
The same as a small baby's booty.                           
                                                            
 4747 BALLS - COVERED                Frank                    



I think I need Kevlar or Nylon;                             
So knit a tough bag I can try on.                           
When I race my Honda,                                       
My balls should not wanda --                                
I don't want to wipe out a pylon.                           
                                                            
 4748 BALLS - COVERED                H Welchel                



I can't knit with Kevlar, you whiner.                       
I will knit you one with yellow liner;                      
It'll be warm and soft                                      
And hold you aloft;                                         
When you're biking, there is nothing finer.                 
                                                            
 4749 BALLS - COVERED                Marlene                  



And yours, my dear Peter, are yet                           
My favourite bollocks to pet.                               
Remember last fall                                          
When you tripped in the hall,                               
And I almost got the whole set?                             
                                                            
 4750 BALLS - COVERED                                         



My testicles are rather hairy;                              
To see them is something quite scary.                       
Girls put on a glove                                        
But I won't fall in love,                                   
'Cause I am a bit of a fairy.                               
                                                            
 4751 BALLS - COVERED                Aussie Owl               



The guy that invented the jock                              
Felt he needed a place for his cock                         
And his balls, in his shorts,                               
So while playing his sports,                                
Everything wouldn't dangle and knock.                       
                                                            
 4752 BALLS - COVERED                Cap'n Bean          P9902



Though some of it offends and appals,                       
Girls, it's not that we play with our balls;                
Just means we're relieving                                  
The stress when we're heaving                               
Our genitals 'round in our smalls.                          
                                                            
 4753 BALLS - COVERED                Peter Wilkins            



Wisdom women pass down through the clan,                    
We've no balls, yet possess those of man.                   
A squeeze to the meaty,                                     
He pleads the entreaty,                                     
"You hold me in the palm of your hand."                     
                                                            
 4754 BALLS - COVERED                                         



Exulted a cockster named Ruel,                              
"The world's oldest game: pocket pool --                    
The fun never palls,                                        
You bat both your balls,                                    
While gently massaging your tool."                          
                                                            
 4755 BALLS - COVERED                Armand Singer       P9802



The fact is that Levis and Wranglers                        
When shrunk in the wash become stranglers,                  
Of things which us gents                                    
Have, that often get tense                                  
And cause havoc beneath to our danglers.                    
                                                            
 4756 BALLS - COVERED                                         



There was a young man named Paul,                           
Who read Mademoiselle and McCall's.                         
Till he grew such a passion                                 
For feminine fashion,                                       
That he knitted a snood for his balls.                      
                                                            
 4757 BALLS - COVERED                                    L1531



The favorite pastime of grandfather,                        
Was tickling his balls with a feather.                      
But the thing he liked best                                 
Of all of the rest,                                         
Was knocking them gently together.                          
                                                            
 4758 BALLS - COVERED                                    L1426



A fastidious hooker named Hind                              
Said, "I don't want to sound too unkind,                    
But whenever we tangle,                                     
Both your balls always dangle;                              
The sight drives me out of my mind."                        
                                                            
 4759 BALLS - COVERED                Armand E Singer       184



There was a young man from McGill,                          
Who was always seen walking uphill.                         
When someone inquired,                                      
"My man, aren't you tired?"                                 
He said, "No, it makes my balls thrill."                    
                                                            
 4760 BALLS - COVERED                                    L1296



A hillbilly gent named Cato                                 
Wanted sex with his girl on a date-o.                       
She said, "It's real purty,                                 
But your balls are too dirty;                               
They look like a fresh dug potato!                          
                                                            
 4761 BALLS - COVERED                John Chastaine           



A young man from Stratford on Avon,                         
Wanted his bollocks clean shaven.                           
No barbers would do                                         
What he wanted them to,                                     
For they all thought that he was depraven.                  
                                                            
 4762 BALLS - COVERED                Maxine Stephen           



A jovial porter named Tate                                  
Had a shiny and round little pate.                          
The hair his head lacks                                     
Was profuse on his sacs,                                    
So much so, it widens his gait!                             
                                                            
 4763 BALLS - COVERED                Jim Weaver Collection    



The crown jewels of Fuckingham Kew                          
He's painted a hideous blue.                                
When the curious ask why, he winks a wise eye,              
Saying "That's my reply to the dumb gal or guy              
Who invariably asks, 'Well what's new?'"                    
                                                            
 4764 BALLS - COVERED                                    G2384



Three cheers for the old KGB;                               
Their method's delightful to see.                           
If you haven't confessed,                                   
Your balls are compressed                                   
Andropov.                                                   
                                                            
 4765 BALLS - DAMAGED                Arthur Deex         P8302



And then there's the story that's fraught                   
With disaster--of balls that got caught,                    
When a chap took a crap                                     
In the woods, and a trap                                    
Underneath--Oh, I can't bear the thought!                   
                                                            
 4766 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L1164



You told me, "No condoms, No!"                              
You said you were pure as the snow.                         
But I notice my cock                                        
Is as black as my sock,                                     
And my balls are beginning to glow.                         
                                                            
 4767 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



A earnest young lefist named Tariq,                         
Blackballed when put up for the Garrick,                    
Observed with a groan,                                      
"These balls are my own,                                    
I consider such conduct barbaric."                          
                                                            
 4768 BALLS - DAMAGED                Bernard Levin            



There once was a man from Peru,                             
Whose balls turned a dark shade of blue,                    
When a comely young lass                                    
Said "I know it sounds crass                                
But if heaven can wait, why can't you?"                     
                                                            
 4769 BALLS - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Glenchasm,                       
Who had a tremendous orgasm.                                
In the midst of his thralls,                                
He burst both his balls,                                    
And covered an acre with plasm.                             
                                                            
 4770 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L1166



There was a young fellow named Rawls,                       
Who slipped from the dome of St. Paul's,                    
But the angel of grace,                                     
Sped thither apace,                                         
And lowered him down by the balls.                          
                                                            
 4771 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G2047



While mixing his drinks, Samuel Bender                      
Caught both of his nuts in the blender.                     
His plain bloody Mary                                       
Got more so, and hairy,                                     
While they both grew much closer in gender.                 
                                                            
 4772 BALLS - DAMAGED                John Miller 0064         



There was an old man of the West,                           
Who never could get any rest.                               
So they set him to spin                                     
On his nose and his chin,                                   
And his balls got caught up in his vest.                    
                                                            
 4773 BALLS - DAMAGED                Edwardian Leer 015  P9306



There was a young man of Porcellian,                        
A rotter, a shit-heel, a hellion.                           
But the X-ray revealed                                      
That his sperm was congealed,                               
And both of his balls in rebellion.                         
                                                            
 4774 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L1208



From a hook hung a fellow named Jack,                       
By a string round his nuts and his sack.                    
As he fell from a chair,                                    
He cried out in midair                                      
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack."                     
                                                            
 4775 BALLS - DAMAGED                Bob Birch           P0010



There was a young sailor named Gore                         
Who danced till his asshole was sore.                       
On his cutlass he slipped                                   
And his scrotum was ripped,                                 
And his testicles dropped to the floor.                     
                                                            
 4776 BALLS - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1785



I'll tell you what really appalls;                          
It's teeth were an inch from his balls.                     
So far but so near,                                         
Or we'd all be here                                         
To savour the Ogg's caterwauls.                             
                                                            
 4777 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



Observed an old Mick named Gilhooley,                       
"I know that my temper's unruly;                            
They can claim I am gay,                                    
But I can't let them say,                                   
'Your knockers do dangle unduly'."                          
                                                            
 4778 BALLS - DAMAGED                Armand E Singer      243A



A young naked gymnast named Odom,                           
Once slid down a tall pole of totem.                        
On a splinter he caught,                                    
And his fans grew distraught,                               
As he dangled aloft by his scrotum.                         
                                                            
 4779 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



The poor Duke Renaldo Pendrake                              
Fought a duel that was quite a mistake.                     
How he limps in both legs                                   
And his genital eggs                                        
Have decidedly started to ache.                             
                                                            
 4780 BALLS - DAMAGED                Mike Tice                



Said Tippu, the Sultan of Mysore,                           
Whose rotten old balls proved an eyesore.                   
"If they don't look like much,                              
They're not sticky to touch --                              
Far worse is a wet than a dry sore."                        
                                                            
 4781 BALLS - DAMAGED                Armand E Singer        89



There was a poor freak from Berlin                          
Whose balls hung from under his chin.                       
Despite Nature's joke,                                      
His morale never broke,                                     
Though shaving did cause him chagrin.                       
                                                            
 4782 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G0252



There was a young lad from Rangoon                          
Whose bollocks turned black and maroon.                     
They filled up with gas                                     
That escaped from his ass,                                  
'Til he rose like a hot air balloon.                        
                                                            
 4783 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



A pitcher who plays for Sioux Falls,                        
Complained of the umpire's bad calls.                       
But once home in bed,                                       
When he asked for some head,                                
His wife complained of his foul balls.                      
                                                            
 4784 BALLS - DAMAGED                Bob Birch                



There once was a stupid young fellow                        
Whose balls were all slimy and yellow.                      
'Twas not from disuse,                                      
Nor too much self-abuse,                                    
But from trying to fuck lemon Jello.                        
                                                            
 4785 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G2119



There was an old man from Bubungi,                          
Whose balls were all covered with fungi.                    
With his friends, out at lunch,                             
He tore off a bunch,                                        
And said, "Now divide this among ye."                       
                                                            
 4786 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L1382



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum,                             
The unwitting young lad tried to coat 'em,                  
Pouring Texaco gas                                          
Down the crack of his ass;                                  
When it dried, he was stiff as a totem!                     
                                                            
 4787 BALLS - DAMAGED                Mad Max                  



When she danced at the Easter Parade,                       
Such a sexy impression she made,                            
That some lads from St. Paul's                              
In tight jeans, hurt their balls,                           
And had to be given first aid.                              
                                                            
 4788 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G2043



"Active balls?" said an old man of Stoneham,                
"I regret that I no longer own 'em.                         
But I hasten to say,                                        
They were good in their day.                                
De mortuis nil nisi bonum."                                 
                                                            
 4789 BALLS - DAMAGED                C D Cudmore              



A Gypsy boy stealing some shawls                            
Was kicked by a cop in Sioux Falls.                         
This action was rash                                        
And produced a loud crash,                                  
For most Gypsies have crystal balls.                        
                                                            
 4790 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum,                             
I rubbed oil on my bollocks to coat 'em.                    
It made me feel hornier,                                    
But I ought to warn ya:                                     
If you try it, take care: it'll bloat 'em.                  
                                                            
 4791 BALLS - DAMAGED                CeeJay                   



A fuddy old duddy named Purvis                              
Disrupted a solemn church service.                          
In the town of South Nevis                                  
His sex caught a crevice --                                 
Remembering, his screams still unnerve us!                  
                                                            
 4792 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G2045



A male orientated conversation                              
Is broadcast throughout the nation,                         
Of nicking their balls,                                     
Getting caught up in stalls;                                
A source, I am sure, of frustration.                        
                                                            
 4793 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



To those lovers onstage who sit flirting,                   
It must be, I'd think, disconcerting,                       
When from dimly lit stalls                                  
An angry voice calls:                                       
"Sod!  Let go my balls!  Damn, you're hurting."             
                                                            
 4794 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G2125



There was a young fellow named Burt,                        
Who treated his girlfriend like dirt.                       
She evened the score,                                       
Which made him quite sore,                                  
And it wasn't his feelings she hurt.                        
                                                            
 4795 BALLS - DAMAGED                Margaret A. Murdock P8305



At wanking, young Jimmy's no dunce;                         
But sadly, he's never come once.                            
For his bollocks, so small,                                 
Produce nothing at all,                                     
Despite squeezing and similar stunts.                       
                                                            
 4796 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



Donald and Dale from Dubuque                                
Had his balls in her peruke.                                
The peruke lost its mousse                                  
In a showerstall goose.                                     
Now they know what it means to hang loose.                  
                                                            
 4797 BALLS - DAMAGED                Jim Jambor          P9012



A musical whore liked to greet                              
Her clients by squeezing their meat.                        
So tight was her grip,                                      
It led one to quip,                                         
"Why, she's a real 'nutcracker sweet'!"                     
                                                            
 4798 BALLS - DAMAGED                Macsam                   



A ninety-year man named McCue,                              
To his wife remained steadfastly true.                      
This was not from compunction,                              
But due to dysfunction                                      
Of spermatic glands--nuts to you.                           
                                                            
 4799 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L0054



John's balls were of not-too-pure gold;                     
His wife was a twenty-year old,                             
Who, on meeting a juror                                     
Whose gold balls were purer,                                
Made John a ten carat cuckold.                              
                                                            
 4800 BALLS - DAMAGED                Michael Rohaly           



There was a long lad of Cadiz                               
Who was never been able to jizz,                            
On account of the blockage                                  
'Tween ballocks and cockage,                                
So the best he can do is a fizz.                            
                                                            
 4801 BALLS - DAMAGED                Peter Wilkins            



There was an Old Man of Nepal,                              
From his horse had a terrible fall;                         
But, though split quite in two,                             
With some very strong glue                                  
They fixed him except for one ball.                         
                                                            
 4802 BALLS - DAMAGED                Edwardian Leer 012       



There was a young man of Ballbriggan,                       
Who was fearfully given to frigging.                        
'Till these nocturnal frolics                               
Played hell with his bollocks,                              
And killed the young man of Ballbriggan.                    
(Published 1870)                                            
 4803 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L1238



There once was an Arab so poor,                             
He was forced by the neighborhood whore,                    
To trade his left nut,                                      
For a night with the slut,                                  
Who dried it to hang on her door.                           
                                                            
 4804 BALLS - DAMAGED                John Ciardi              



A laid-back retro-hippie-type stoner                        
Has completely lost use of his boner.                       
His nutsack's now ragged                                    
From having been snagged,                                   
While running the bulls in Pamploner.                       
                                                            
 4805 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



It could be just one of life's laws,                        
That is whispered in dark dingy halls.                      
So don't be so slow                                         
To make my voice low,                                       
Just stop squeezing my bloody balls!                        
                                                            
 4806 BALLS - DAMAGED                Spinner                  



Maybe I squoze them too tight;                              
I thought the pressure was just right.                      
You wanted the thralls                                      
As I played with your balls,                                
And it's not what you wanted last night.                    
                                                            
 4807 BALLS - DAMAGED                Karen                    



Last night we had sex and had fashion,                      
As our bodies together were thrashin'.                      
And not to berate,                                          
The pressure was great                                      
As we both were in the throes of passion.                   
                                                            
 4808 BALLS - DAMAGED                Spinner                  



There was a young man of Coblenz,                           
The size of whose balls was immense.                        
One day, playing soccer,                                    
He sprung his left knocker,                                 
And kicked it right over the fence.                         
(one of five un-numbered in later editions)                 
 4809 BALLS - DAMAGED                Grand Prix Lim      L1150



There was a mechanic named Mears,                           
Who worked around sprockets and gears.                      
On day last December                                        
A chain caught his member,                                  
And pulled his balls up to his ears.                        
                                                            
 4810 BALLS - DAMAGED                Steve                    



There was a young man from Seattle,                         
Whose testicles tended to rattle.                           
He said as he fuck-ed                                       
Some stones in a bucket,                                    
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you, that'll."                  
                                                            
 4811 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L0231



My dick and balls hurt when I nick 'em                      
With zippers, but pain's when I kick 'em                    
When they drag in the street,                               
With my big old feet.                                       
I need someplace safe I can stick 'em!                      
                                                            
 4812 BALLS - DAMAGED                Travis Brasell           



A very keen cyclist named Dash                              
Once jumped on his bike, and the crash                      
Of his balls sounded worse                                  
Than his curse to the nurse                                 
As she bandaged his sausage -- and mash.                    
(mash - mashed potatoes)                                    
 4813 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G2002



There once was a hooker named June                          
Who at lunch would eat beans with a spoon.                  
One night she passed gas                                    
With Bob's dick up her ass,                                 
And his scrotum grew like a balloon!                        
                                                            
 4814 BALLS - DAMAGED                Milkbone                 



A pimp with elliptical balls                                
Went out for his afternoon calls.                           
But an indignant whore                                      
Got them caught in a door,                                  
And splattered his seed on the walls.                       
                                                            
 4815 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    G1988



There once was a boatman bnamed Franks,                     
Masturbated on the banks of the Shanks.                     
In too much of a rush,                                      
Hurt his epididymus,                                        
And now he shoots only blanks.                              
                                                            
 4816 BALLS - DAMAGED                Tom                      



The well-hung young milkman, McGivery,                      
While taking his horse to the livery,                       
In the groin got a kick,                                    
And it made him so sick,                                    
For the smart did impede his delivery.                      
                                                            
 4817 BALLS - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum,                             
He dipped them in starch first -- to coat 'em.              
But gave out with a shout                                   
When he ironed them out --                                  
"I'll live with them wrinkled!" I quote him.                
                                                            
 4818 BALLS - DAMAGED                Writerman                



From many hard years in the saddle,                         
In order to round up my cattle,                             
My balls are now aching,                                    
And feel like they're breaking,                             
And sound like a rattlesnake's rattle.                      
                                                            
 4819 BALLS - DAMAGED                Travis Brasell           



You may need a much softer saddle,                          
Not one made of leather 'cause that'll                      
Just rub them jewels raw,                                   
But if you recall,                                          
I've got something here, you can straddle.                  
                                                            
 4820 BALLS - DAMAGED                Carol                    



I'll spur your soft flanks to a trot,                       
Then quicken your gait to a hot,                            
Smooth canter until                                         
You gallop and feel                                         
The froth pouring out of your twat.                         
                                                            
 4821 BALLS - DAMAGED                Travis Brasell           



In the woods a young man took a crap                        
Directly on top of a trap.                                  
Though this may sound absurd,                               
The fall of his turd                                        
Caught his balls in the trap with a snap!                   
                                                            
 4822 BALLS - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1767



I stubbed my big toe on a rock,                             
Got burned with electrical shock;                           
But these pains were small                                  
Compared overall                                            
To tangling my balls in my jock!                            
                                                            
 4823 BALLS - DAMAGED                Travis Brasell           



You heard about the man from Grasse?                        
He had a certified pain-in-the-ass;                         
His balls, they were tarnished;                             
Not once he had varnished;                                  
Now they're green and just not shiny brass.                 
                                                            
 4824 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



A rowing enthusiast, Cox,                                   
Had water seep into his socks.                              
By upward attraction,                                       
Capiliary action                                            
Caused testicle rot in his jocks.                           
                                                            
 4825 BALLS - DAMAGED                Anon                     



There was an old fellow of Cosham,                          
Who took out his bollocks to wash 'em.                      
But his wife said, "Now Jack,                               
If you don't put them back,                                 
I'll jump on the damn things and squash 'em.                
                                                            
 4826 BALLS - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin 3024  L1167



There was a young man of Calcutta,                          
Whose balls were turning to butter.                         
In a day of great heat,                                     
The folks had a treat,                                      
As his testicles flowed down the gutter.                    
                                                            
 4827 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L1693



There was a young fellow of Rhodes,                         
Whose testicles turned into toads.                          
He, horrified, wept,                                        
As they struggled and leapt.                                
"Give me back my quiescent old nodes!"                      
                                                            
 4828 BALLS - DAMAGED                                    L1696



His testicles jingled and jangled,                          
With lust he was awkwardly angled,                          
He bellowed and roared                                      
'Til he tripped on his sword;                               
Now his ballocks are horribly mangled.                      
                                                            
 4829 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



This man from Southbend did, in time,                       
Take his oddity as some kind of sign.                       
Now he shows of his wares                                   
At most county fairs.                                       
You can see it for ten bucks a time.                        
                                                            
 4830 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



Young Jimmy just cannot resist;                             
He's constantly using his fist,                             
Though he suffers from pain                                 
In his bollocks again;                                      
The result of testicular twist.                             
                                                            
 4831 BALLS - DAMAGED                                         



There was an old man from the hills,                        
Who thought he could use some cheap thrills.                
So his balls he did whack,                                  
With an almighty smack;                                     
To this day it still gives me the chills!                   
                                                            
 4832 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED                               



There was an old man from Mulgoa,                           
Whose balls couldn't hang any lower.                        
They clang and they dong                                    
As they bang on his prong,                                  
And wrap 'round his neck like a boa.                        
                                                            
 4833 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Steve Wales              



A young soccer coach name of Hicks                          
Was teaching his team some new tricks.                      
"Let's increase our quota                                   
Of badly crushed scrota,                                    
By carefully aiming our kicks."                             
                                                            
 4834 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Armand E Singer       245



The man on the flying trapeze                               
Let out a most powerful sneeze;                             
His trousers ejected,                                       
His glide was affected,                                     
His testicles flapped in the breeze.                        
                                                            
 4835 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Cap'n Bean          P0401



You have heard of the Greek named Melitus,                  
And his "Ode on the Nubian Foetus."                         
But who now recalls                                         
How he fractured his balls                                  
In research on Egyptian coitus.                             
                                                            
 4836 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED                          G2039



A hot-tempered girl of Caracas,                             
Was wed to an ill-tempered jackass.                         
When he started to cheat her,                               
With a dark senorita,                                       
She kicked him right in the maracas.                        
                                                            
 4837 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED                               



In Germany once, I was lechin',                             
For a sweet little fraulein named Gretchen.                 
Then her boyfriend, Franz Stutz,                            
Kicked me right in the nuts.                                
No lechin', no Gretchen, just retchin'.                     
                                                            
 4838 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Tiddy Ogg                



All males have to sing that refrain;                        
Kicked balls cause incredible pain.                         
Mother Nature's not fair                                    
To hang them in the air;                                    
Unprotected like that, it's insane.                         
                                                            
 4839 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Floyd Moody              



I once joined a troop of these nomads,                      
But soon joined the ranks of the "so-sads."                 
When I tried to grope                                       
Some tart high on dope,                                     
She gave me a kick in the gonads.                           
                                                            
 4840 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED                               



There was a young fellow of Kiel,                           
Who enjoyed slyly copping a feel.                           
On trying this ploy                                         
On a girl who was coy,                                      
She knackered his balls with her heel.                      
                                                            
 4841 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED                          G2386



A nudist I know was attacked                                
And into a corner was backed.                               
She was quick with her knee --                              
I'm sure glad it's not me                                   
That screwed up and got his nuts cracked.                   
                                                            
 4842 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Neal Wilgus         P8312



A hot-tempered wench of Caracas                             
Shook her tits like she'd shake the maracas.                
When her man tried to cheat her,                            
With a dark senorita,                                       
She kicked him right smack in the knackas.                  
                                                            
 4843 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED                          G1996



I once met a gal named Geneeve,                             
Who at first seemed a little naive.                         
I asked her to dance,                                       
Stuck my hand in her pants,                                 
And she kicked me where you wouldn't believe!               
                                                            
 4844 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Tony                     



A housewife by name of Louise                               
Said, "Fate can be more than a tease;                       
But you must seize the day,                                 
Wear you best negligee;                                     
Grab life by the balls, and then squeeze!"                  
                                                            
 4845 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Armand E Singer       178



"No wonder it hurts, Mr Nickel,"                            
Grinned nurse, "It's a strangled testicle!"                 
Then laughed till she cried,                                
To which Nickel replied,                                    
"Well, it's fucking not that hysterical."                   
                                                            
 4846 BALLS - DAMAGED - BRUISED      Peter Wilkins            



"It seems that your chat and lines lacked                   
The requisite romance and tact."                            
Thus chortled the doc                                       
As she bandaged my cock                                     
And in ice my poor testicles packed.                        
                                                            
 4847 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Peter Wilkins            



There once was a man from Bombay,                           
Who would do it all night and all day.                      
He soon became sore;                                        
You should of heard him roar,                               
When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay.                
                                                            
 4848 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                             



There once was a chap name of Fellows;                      
On his ass he'd constructed a bellows.                      
Though it did cause some pain,                              
It would fan a small flame,                                 
Till his balls burned a fiery yellow!                       
                                                            
 4849 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Pat MeGroin              



There once was a man from Ft Meyer,                         
Who wrapped up his balls in barbed-wire.                    
He flicked on the switch,                                   
And Oh!  What a bitch!                                      
His balls then began to catch fire.                         
                                                            
 4850 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Anon                     



When I was young with no sense,                             
Put my balls to an electric fence.                          
Curled my hair, tickled balls,                              
Beshat my overalls.                                         
The pain that it caused me: IMMENSE!                        
                                                            
 4851 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Allanon                  



There was a young man in Norway,                            
Who was fucking his girl in a sleigh.                       
But the cold was so frigid,                                 
It froze his balls rigid,                                   
And all he could shoot was frappe.                          
                                                            
 4852 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                        L1313



In Skye, said a doctor from Wilts,                          
The men often have enlarged milts.                          
But in Winter his calls                                     
Are to treat frozen balls,                                  
Since they wear no briefs under their kilts.                
                                                            
 4853 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    A. N. Wilkins       P8802



A man with a fever so dire,                                 
Had testes which burned like a pyre.                        
He was heard to exclaim,                                    
As they doused out the flame,                               
"Good Gracious Me!  Great Balls of Fire!"                   
                                                            
 4854 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    David Goldfield          



I abhor the onslaught of snow,                              
When the cold makes a man...well, you know,                 
Shrivel up like a raisin.                                   
I find it amazin'                                           
There exist any young Eskimo.                               
                                                            
 4855 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    John Miller 0138         



"It seems that your chat-up lines lacked                    
The requisite romance and tact."                            
Thus chortled the doc                                       
As she bandaged my cock,                                    
And in ice my poor testicles packed.                        
                                                            
 4856 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                             



There once was a man from Fort Meyer,                       
Who wrapped his balls up in barbed-wire.                    
He flicked the switch,                                      
And, Oh! What a bitch!                                      
His balls began to catch fire.                              
                                                            
 4857 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Angelo Melo              



A young apple-grower named Pease                            
Grew apples so fine on his trees.                           
He took some to the fair                                    
In his thin underwear,                                      
And two of his apples did freeze.                           
                                                            
 4858 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Albin Chaplin   3024-1811



A guru stark naked and holy                                 
Is sitting on top of Stromboli,                             
His balls overlooking                                       
The crater. He's cooking                                    
And steaming his genitals slowly.                           
                                                            
 4859 BALLS - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Peter Wilkins            



A hooker in Niagara Falls                                   
Paraded in new coveralls.                                   
Her name, it was Nancy;                                     
If she tickled your fancy,                                  
She also would tickle your balls.                           
                                                            
 4860 BALLS - IMPROVED               VOL 10                   



There was a young man from Batasse,                         
Whose balls were made out of glass.                         
On hot sunny days,                                          
They focused the rays                                       
And burned all the hair off his ass.                        
                                                            
 4861 BALLS - IMPROVED               K. Talbot                



We're now off to pastures bucolic,                          
Where, apart from the brew alcoholic,                       
There's nothing to do,                                      
But have a good screw,                                      
Until you have emptied your bollocks.                       
                                                            
 4862 BALLS - IMPROVED                                        



This guy has a tune, he recalls,                            
That helps him to screw till he falls.                      
The tune, if you please,                                    
May be followed with ease;                                  
Just follow the two bouncing balls.                         
                                                            
 4863 BALLS - IMPROVED               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A squirrely spinster from Lutz                              
Had quite an addiction to nuts.                             
They aren't the kind                                        
People nibble and grind,                                    
But are fondled by housewives and sluts.                    
                                                            
 4864 BALLS - IMPROVED               Macsam                   



Far above, the wild honker-flock calls;                     
When the leaves turn to gold, then y'alls                   
Gotta head on indoors                                       
With a six-pack of Coors;                                   
Let your Good Old Gal fondle your balls!                    
                                                            
 4865 BALLS - IMPROVED                                        



His balls needed low radiation,                             
But he received the wrong gradiation.                       
Now they can light                                          
The deep darkest night,                                     
And broadcast a radio station.                              
                                                            
 4866 BALLS - IMPROVED               Tom Patton          P9504



A very old fucker named Hugh,                               
Had hair 'round his balls that was blue.                    
He once said in a drawl,                                    
"Though my nuts may be small,                               
They sure glow in the dark when I screw!"                   
                                                            
 4867 BALLS - IMPROVED               Mark Levy           P9605



There once was a little old geezer                          
Who kept his small balls in the freezer.                    
"I don't want them to rot,                                  
When attached they are not.                                 
They always fall off when I sneezer!"                       
                                                            
 4868 BALLS - IMPROVED               Marlene Lewis            



A lady named Miss Anne DuBois,                              
Used a pair of my balls called ben wa.                      
She squirmed and gyrated,                                   
And when she was sated,                                     
Kissed both sets of balls and said, "Ahhh!"                 
                                                            
 4869 BALLS - IMPROVED               Irish                    



There was an old man with brass balls                       
Who wore some old overalls.                                 
He'd shimmy and shake                                       
And the sound they would make                               
Was really distrubing to all.                               
                                                            
 4870 BALLS - IMPROVED               Jeffrey L. Lorentz       



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum,                             
Joe bought Ivory Soap just to coat 'em.                     
It got rid of the smell,                                    
They're still wrinkly as hell,                              
But when he hops in, he can float 'em.                      
                                                            
 4871 BALLS - IMPROVED               John Chastaine           



There was an old man from Iran                              
Whose balls were a beautiful tan;                           
They quite matched his gown,                                
Which was also nut-brown                                    
(It must have been Allah's own plan).                       
                                                            
 4872 BALLS - IMPROVED               Norm Storer              



My castle has very large halls                              
To accomodate the size of my balls.                         
Oh you know what I mean,                                    
For this limerick is clean;                                 
It's big parties I hosting ya'll.                           
                                                            
 4873 BALLS - IMPROVED                                        



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum,                             
He whirled like a human teetotum.                           
The centrifugal force                                       
Stretched the skin out, or course,                          
But the dizziness finally smote 'em.                        
                                                            
 4874 BALLS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



A thrifty young fellow was Walls;                           
He took his girl out to the Falls.                          
Said his girl, "I do think                                  
I would like a nice drink."                                 
So he gave her the sweat off his balls.                     
                                                            
 4875 BALLS - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2378



I corrected this when you first ran it;                     
He has the most balls on the planet.                        
Or should I say stones,                                     
And in spite of your groans,                                
I'm afraid that we take them for granite.                   
                                                            
 4876 BALLS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Some women are fun, some are fickle;                        
By some you'll be left in a pickle.                         
Put them all to a test,                                     
Get the one who laughs best,                                
And the test that is best -- a test tickle.                 
                                                            
 4877 BALLS - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2043



There once was a sporting young dude,                       
In the mood to cavort in the nude.                          
But being too shrewd                                        
To appear quite so crude,                                   
Tied his plenitude up in a snood.                           
                                                            
 4878 BALLS - IMPROVED               Pierce Evans             



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum,                             
There's only two ways, and I'll quote 'em:                  
Just fill in the seams                                      
With unguents and creams,                                   
Or else in red wine you can float 'em.                      
                                                            
 4879 BALLS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Savannah,                        
Who'd do anything for a tanner.                             
His favorite trick                                          
Was to stand on his prick                                   
And unscrew his balls with a spanner.                       
                                                            
 4880 BALLS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



My testicles also hang low;                                 
Should I duct tape them also?  You know,                    
I quite like this constriction;                             
It causes me friction                                       
And makes my anatomy grow.                                  
                                                            
 4881 BALLS - IMPROVED                                        



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum                              
Michael Jackson bought Crisco to coat 'em.                  
He smeared it on thick,                                     
Between his ass and his dick,                               
And bought a cute velvet bag just to tote 'em!              
                                                            
 4882 BALLS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



In the future, I really don't think                         
I'll go to John's house for a drink,                        
Because I have found                                        
That fresh from the mound,                                  
He washes his balls in the sink.                            
                                                            
 4883 BALLS - IMPROVED                                        



My bollocks impose a stern reign,                           
And make me flout sanity's rein;                            
But lusting for twat                                        
Leaves them often so hot,                                   
I must leave them outside in the rain!                      
                                                            
 4884 BALLS - IMPROVED               Norm Storer         P9112



A long-peckered lecher named Brock                          
Used a barrow to carry his cock.                            
He has such massive balls,                                  
He can't go through halls,                                  
But must leave them at home under lock.                     
                                                            
 4885 BALLS - LARGE                                      G0269



So here's this lewd fellow named Brock,                     
Who loves to play golf with his cock.                       
Its ungodly size                                            
Horrifies other guys,                                       
And gals shit their pants from sheer shock!                 
                                                            
 4886 BALLS - LARGE                                      G0270



There was a young man of Provence,                          
Whose ballocks were simply immense.                         
"They're an excellent float,                                
In a bathtub or boat,                                       
But", he said, "What a bore when I yentz."                  
                                                            
 4887 BALLS - LARGE                                      L1636



Il y avait un jeune homme de Provence                       
Dont les couilles etaient vraiment immenses.                
"C'est un grand avantage,"                                  
Disait-il "quand je nage,                                   
Mais ca gene quant je baise ou je danse."                   
                                                            
 4888 BALLS - LARGE                                           



Our John's just a crusty ol' fart,                          
But Jesus!, that fucker is smart,                           
And generous with                                           
The smut and the pith,                                      
And carries his balls in a cart.                            
                                                            
 4889 BALLS - LARGE                                           



'Tis true I've got huevos galore,                           
Stretchin' clear down to the floor.                         
'Fore I sit, I must loft 'em                                
Or surely I'd pop them,                                     
And end up quite scrotally sore.                            
                                                            
 4890 BALLS - LARGE                                           



It is a curse havin' these;                                 
I can do nothin' with ease.                                 
They hang and they hang                                     
And dwarf my poor wang;                                     
Perhaps I should set them on tees.                          
                                                            
 4891 BALLS - LARGE                                           



When I was just a wee fart,                                 
I used to use just a cart.                                  
But now that I'm gray,                                      
I need a stout dray                                         
To lessen the strain on my heart.                           
                                                            
 4892 BALLS - LARGE                                           



A fellow from Britain of yore,                              
His testicles hung to the floor.                            
'Twas a terrible thing,                                     
For they tended to swing,                                   
And collisions would render them sore.                      
                                                            
 4893 BALLS - LARGE                  Cap'n Bean          P0012



An innocent bride, all shy smiles,                          
Asked the old family medic, Doc Wiles,                      
"Now what things are these                                  
That hang down to his knees?"                               
Said the doctor, "On me, they'd be piles."                  
                                                            
 4894 BALLS - LARGE                                      G0454



I'd advise a nice club and two balls,                       
For this is the game that enthralls.                        
If your club is quite large,                                
Charge a buck covercharge,                                  
And display it in one of the malls.                         
                                                            
 4895 BALLS - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Jack was a laddie whose balls                         
Were so large they filled crapper stalls;                   
So a Dutch firm of builders                                 
Said, "Here's fifty guilders;                               
Now swing 'em and knock down these walls."                  
                                                            
 4896 BALLS - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



"OK", he said, swinging his sack                            
Of enormous great bollocks; "Stand back."                   
And with that he let go                                     
Of his scrotum, but woe;                                    
For those walls tumbled down upon Jack.                     
                                                            
 4897 BALLS - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



A fellow from Niagara Falls,                                
Had prickly gargantuan balls.                               
When he walked throught the sand,                           
They would drag 'cross the land,                            
Leaving great heiroglyphical scrawls.                       
                                                            
 4898 BALLS - LARGE                  Mick                     



A horny young man from St. Jude                             
Carried both of his balls in a snood.                       
They were so big and round,                                 
That they dragged on the ground;                            
He was scared to go out in the nude.                        
                                                            
 4899 BALLS - LARGE                                      G0440



A young man from Sioux City Falls                           
Once boasted that he had huge balls.                        
Enormous in size,                                           
All covered with flies,                                     
They drew big crowds into shopping malls.                   
                                                            
 4900 BALLS - LARGE                                           



Tommy Jones has two balls, each eight oz.                   
And a penis that jiggles and boz.                           
The trouble is that                                         
There's no meat, it's all fat                               
And instead of walking, he floz.                            
                                                            
 4901 BALLS - LARGE                  John Miller              



The Viceroy's Major factotum                                
Was in charge of his lord's massive scrotum.                
To transport those balls                                    
Down the length of the halls,                               
The factotum did, in fact, tote 'em.                        
                                                            
 4902 BALLS - LARGE                  The Grand Duke      P0310



There once was a man named McNall,                          
Who had those magnificent balls.                            
Said a woman he knows,                                      
"Hey, what good are those,                                  
When your dick is as flat as the walls?"                    
                                                            
 4903 BALLS - LARGE                  Ed Hirsch                



An ancient old mariner, Fred,                               
Had testicles heavy as lead;                                
A seafaring wanker,                                         
He used them to anchor                                      
Himself and his yacht in the Med.                           
                                                            
 4904 BALLS - LARGE                                           



And there he would drift in the sun,                        
The zip in his trousers undone;                             
And using his rod,                                          
He'd go fishing for cod                                     
Or red snapper for pleasure and fun.                        
                                                            
 4905 BALLS - LARGE                                           



There was a young man from St Helens                        
Afflicted with shrinkin's and swellin's.                    
His dick was so small,                                      
(Hardly there at all)                                       
But his balls looked like honeydew melons.                  
                                                            
 4906 BALLS - LARGE                                           



A well-endowed fellow of Dunn                               
Has ballocks that each weigh a ton;                         
And the size 'round his flies                               
Is a nasty surprise                                         
To the ladies, who turn tail and run.                       
                                                            
 4907 BALLS - LARGE                  Hugh Oliver         A089A



I'm starting to climb the walls;                            
I'm looking for new men in malls.                           
But what do I find?                                         
They are all the wrong kind,                                
For this lusty gal, he needs balls.                         
                                                            
 4908 BALLS - LARGE                  Lusty Gal                



A man by the name of Odum                                   
Had balls too big for his scrotum.                          
He thought and he thought,                                  
But all was for naught,                                     
'Cause he never figured how to unload 'em.                  
                                                            
 4909 BALLS - LARGE                  Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young man of Coblenz,                           
Whose ballocks were simply immense.                         
It took forty-four draymen,                                 
A priest and three laymen,                                  
To carry them thither and thence.                           
                                                            
 4910 BALLS - LARGE                                      L0143



There once was a man from Coblenz                           
Whose balls were so very immense,                           
That it took a wheelbarrow                                  
And a Chevy Camaro                                          
To carry them thither and thence.                           
                                                            
 4911 BALLS - LARGE                  Theo Heller         P9203



There once was a man from New Halls,                        
Who loved to twist on his balls.                            
They grew to the size                                       
Of eskimo pies,                                             
And splattered all over the walls.                          
                                                            
 4912 BALLS - LARGE                  Blain                    



There was a young fellow of Perth                           
Whose balls were the finest on earth.                       
They grew to such size                                      
That one won a prize,                                       
And goodness knows what they were worth.                    
                                                            
 4913 BALLS - LARGE                                      L0215



An Eskimo trapper named Ned,                                
Had balls just as big as your head.                         
They'd drag in the snow,                                    
Everywhere he would go,                                     
So he pushed them around in a sled.                         
                                                            
 4914 BALLS - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a suave swinger named Nello,                      
With balls like a great luscious Jello                      
He'd screw, chew, and shunt                                 
Each available cunt--                                       
A peculiarly randy-assed fellow.                            
                                                            
 4915 BALLS - LARGE                                      G0412



There was a young man from Cape Tongas,                     
Whose balls were really humongous.                          
Needed sling and a hoist                                    
And wheelbarrow, of course,                                 
In order to just walk among us.                             
                                                            
 4916 BALLS - LARGE                  Lassie's Lover     TP9901



If hard questions stump Webster-Merriam,                    
He rather adroitly can parry 'em.                           
When asked for the weight                                   
Of eight balls, he said, "Wait!                             
I don't know but it takes four men to carry 'em."           
                                                            
 4917 BALLS - LARGE                                      G0481



A luckless torero named Torem                               
Had balls so huge, bulls loved to gore 'em.                 
Since fighters enhance                                      
Their style with tight pants,                               
His big problems was where to store 'em.                    
                                                            
 4918 BALLS - LARGE                  Armand E Singer       512



A lad from Niagara Falls                                    
Had a pair of spectacular balls                             
Which he kept in condition                                  
For non-stop emission --                                    
Inspired, no doubt, by the Falls!                           
                                                            
 4919 BALLS - LARGE                  Keith MacMillan       64a



At puberty poor little Joe                                  
Found his testicles hanging too low;                        
And despite the refinement                                  
In jock-strap confinement,                                  
For years they've continued to grow.                        
                                                            
 4920 BALLS - LARGE                                           



He now keeps his balls in a wheel-                          
Barrow of cast iron and steel,                              
Lest they scrape on the floor                               
And get terribly sore,                                      
Or get crushed beneath somebody's heel.                     
                                                            
 4921 BALLS - LARGE                                           



A foolish young man named McClain                           
Fell beneath the wheels of a train.                         
It sliced off his nuts                                      
With no if's, and's, or but's,                              
And caused him a horrible pain.                             
                                                            
 4922 BALLS - LOST                                       G2036



There was an old man from Robles,                           
Who sent out to dine with some nobles.                      
He would risk his life,                                     
And fucked the host's wife                                  
And now, so 'tis said, he has no balls.                     
                                                            
 4923 BALLS - LOST                                       L1215



An unfortunate bugger named Cowl                            
Took a shit while as drunk as an owl.                       
He stumbled, alack!                                         
And fell flat on his back,                                  
And his ballocks slipped into his bowel.                    
                                                            
 4924 BALLS - LOST                                       L1151



If you have sex with great expectation,                     
And your arousal brings out perspiration,                   
Stay away from your house                                   
And watch for your spouse,                                  
Whose thoughts will be for your castration.                 
                                                            
 4925 BALLS - LOST                                            



There was a young man from Halz                             
With one asymetrical ball.                                  
He played with it nightly,                                  
Left handed and rightly,                                    
Until he had no balls at all!                               
                                                            
 4926 BALLS - LOST                   Anon                     



There was a young man from Tahiti,                          
Who went for a swim with his sweetie,                       
And as he pursued her,                                      
A big barracuda                                             
Swam off with his masculinity.                              
                                                            
 4927 BALLS - LOST                                       L1224



An athletic young man from Woonsocket,                      
Caught his balls in his bicycle sprocket.                   
They fell to the ground,                                    
But he snatched the first bound.                            
Now they're worn 'round his neck in a locket!               
                                                            
 4928 BALLS - LOST                   Dave the Knave           



Last Summer I done lost my balls                            
To Sue in the orchestra stalls.                             
She blew my bassoon                                         
One hot night in June,                                      
While playing in yon Fairfield Halls.                       
                                                            
 4929 BALLS - LOST                   SFA                      



Accordion to Sue, I understand                              
That she oft plays with boys in the band.                   
Your organ was ready;                                       
Your balls looked quite steady,                             
But they just came off in her hand.                         
                                                            
 4930 BALLS - LOST                   Ericka                   



I once met that Croydon lass, Sue;                          
She told me she knew what to do.                            
And she looked so cute                                      
As she massaged my flute,                                   
But then, 'stead of sucking, she blew.                      
                                                            
 4931 BALLS - LOST                   Tiddy Ogg                



That Sue (so Al Fine) got quite wet                         
As I stroked her throbbing Spinet.                          
But here on my Largo                                        
She slapped an embargo,                                     
'Cause it was not squelching Tacet.  (??)                   
                                                            
 4932 BALLS - LOST                   SFA                      



Orchestral manouvres, do tell!                              
I have fallen under their spell.                            
I can't really place                                        
The look on your face,                                      
But your Glockenspiel sure rings a bell.                    
                                                            
 4933 BALLS - LOST                   Ericka                   



There was a young fellow from Munich                        
Who everyone thought was a eunuch.                          
But loudly he cried,                                        
With a note of hurt pride,                                  
"Just look at that bulge in my tunic!"                      
                                                            
 4934 BALLS - LOST                                       G0407



A bull calf who wasn't too wary yet,                        
Got caught in the loop of a lariat;                         
Ignoring his squalls,                                       
They cut off his balls --                                   
Of offspring he hasn't a nary yet.                          
                                                            
 4935 BALLS - LOST                   Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A dirty trick to play on a man;                             
CASTRATION, so that he never can.                           
No coitus nice                                              
After wedding rice,                                         
No matter how much he might plan.                           
                                                            
 4936 BALLS - LOST                   Reddog                   



CASTRATION stops sexual pursuals,                           
A fix, no further renewals.                                 
The job must entail,                                        
If you would not fail,                                      
Removal of family jewels.                                   
                                                            
 4937 BALLS - LOST                   Chris Papa               



This young Spanish dancer, Collette,                        
Was assaulted by the boy, Manolette!                        
But he failed his attempt,                                  
And now walks with a limp;                                  
Got his balls caught in Collette's castinet!                
                                                            
 4938 BALLS - LOST                   Laurence Craft           



A young girl, though none would believe her,                
Had psychoses regarding her beaver.                         
When a man grabbed her panties,                             
She turned vigilante,                                       
And whacked off his balls with a cleaver.                   
                                                            
 4939 BALLS - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



To disprove of the charge he was gutless,                   
A drunken pirate with a cutlass,                            
Started swinging around,                                    
Up, over, and down,                                         
Swish Swack! He was buttless and nutless.                   
                                                            
 4940 BALLS - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



The concept of Father's castration                          
Would fill her with morbid elation,                         
And strange nameless fears,                                 
Till with fairly big shears,                                
She cut off the source of frustration.                      
                                                            
 4941 BALLS - LOST                   Beelzebub                



To the ape house a man took his wife,                       
Who'd had headaches for most of her life.                   
He dared her to tease                                       
The big guy with the fleas,                                 
So she cut off his balls with a knife.                      
                                                            
 4942 BALLS - LOST                                            



He gasped "Why?", as he turned rather blue,                 
"Have you ruined our day at the zoo?"                       
She replied, "The gorilla                                   
Was more of a thriller,                                     
And longer and stronger than you!"                          
                                                            
 4943 BALLS - LOST                                            



I lost my arm in the army,                                  
I lost my leg in the navy,                                  
I lost my balls                                             
In Niagara Falls,                                           
I lost my cock in a lady.                                   
                                                            
 4944 BALLS - LOST                                       L1130



A fragile neurotic from Murray                              
Was plagued by a terrible worry                             
That if he should cough,                                    
His balls would drop off.                                   
And he did.  And they did.  End of story.                   
                                                            
 4945 BALLS - LOST                   Hugh Oliver         A054B



A divorcee, as cold as popsicles,                           
Waived all her ex-husbands's nickels.                       
She transplanted instead,                                   
To each side of her head,                                   
Earrings made from his testicles.                           
                                                            
 4946 BALLS - LOST                                       G2723



An explorer returned from Australia,                        
Reported lost paraphernalia:                                
A Zeiss microscope,                                         
And his personal hope,                                      
Which had vanished with his genitalia.                      
                                                            
 4947 BALLS - LOST                                       L1131



A priest in Niagara Falls                                   
Inadvertently swallowed his balls,                          
Thus attracting to prayer                                   
All the birds of the air                                    
In response to his falsetto calls.                          
                                                            
 4948 BALLS - LOST                   Hugh Oliver           64b



He sneaked into the Bedouins' tent,                         
With the daughters, he came. Then he went.                  
When the Bedonin dads                                       
Caught him, both his gonads                                 
Were extracted, without his consent.                        
                                                            
 4949 BALLS - LOST                   William N Nesbit         



It's cold in the Straits of Malay;                          
I'm freezing my nuts off today.                             
They dropped in the mud                                     
With a glorious thud.                                       
With what will I play with all day.                         
                                                            
 4950 BALLS - LOST                   Peter W                  



All winter, the eunuch from Munich,                         
Went walking in naught by a tunic.                          
Folks said, "You've a cough;                                
You'll freeze you balls off!"                               
Said he, "That's why I'm a eunuch."                         
                                                            
 4951 BALLS - LOST                                       L1198



A silly young man from St. Paul,                            
Who claimed he had one golden ball,                         
Was robbed in the night,                                    
Though he tried to fight,                                   
And now he has no balls at all.                             
                                                            
 4952 BALLS - LOST                                            



Her husband is in the Hussars,                              
A colonel all covered with scars.                           
But it isn't his weals                                      
For which nightly she feels;                                
It's those privates he lost in the wars.                    
                                                            
 4953 BALLS - LOST                                       G2026



There was a young soldier from Munich,                      
Whose penis hung down past his tunic.                       
And their chops, girls would lick                           
When they thought of his prick,                             
But alas! He was only a eunuch.                             
                                                            
 4954 BALLS - LOST                                       L0200



Old Gomez did naught to elate                               
The heirs of his massive estate.                            
From a trip to the Prado                                    
He'd returned a castrato                                    
And then quietly died -- intestate.                         
                                                            
 4955 BALLS - LOST                   Anon                     



Old Gomez did naught to elate                               
The heirs to his massive estate.                            
From a trip to the Prado                                    
He'd returned a castrato,                                   
And then quietly died -- intestate.                         
                                                            
 4956 BALLS - LOST                                            



We've been told to forgive and forget                       
But I think that advice is all wet.                         
'Cause what he did to me                                    
Like a dog to a tree,                                       
And I'm going to get back at him yet.                       
                                                            
 4957 BALLS - LOST                   John Miller 0106         



Though vengance, we're told is all wrong,                   
His crowing would not go on long.                           
If I could just get                                         
Him to the right vet,                                       
He'd be singing a higher-pitched song.                      
                                                            
 4958 BALLS - LOST                   John Miller 0106a        



Laughed housewife June Gibbs from Seattle,                  
"My man used me like a mere chattel,                        
But with knife and deft cuts,                               
I just lopped off his nuts;                                 
Reprisal is half of the battle."                            
                                                            
 4959 BALLS - LOST                   Armand E Singer       143



There was a young fellow named Dag,                         
Who built a machine that would shag.                        
On the twenty-fifth stroke,                                 
The connecting rod broke,                                   
And it ripped out the balls from his bag.                   
                                                            
 4960 BALLS - LOST                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1769



The one-balled new spouse of our Kitty,                     
We feel is deserving of pity.                               
Except that the catch is                                    
His one-balledness matches                                  
Our Kitty, who has but one titty.                           
                                                            
 4961 BALLS - LOST                                       G0376



There once was a fellow named Zeke,                         
Who wore a jock strap of plastique.                         
Alas, when it blew,                                         
Sent his penis to Crewe,                                    
And his balls to the middle, next week.                     
                                                            
 4962 BALLS - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Brother John is real "down in the dumps";                   
Last month he came down with the mumps.                     
Usually John stands his ground                              
But this time around                                        
It's the meds who'll be taking his lumps.                   
                                                            
 4963 BALLS - LOST                   John Miller 0058         



There was an Old Person of Booder,                          
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder.                         
Till at last with a hammer                                  
They silenced his clamour,                                  
And converted him into a neuter.                            
                                                            
 4964 BALLS - LOST                   Edwardian Leer 058       



A gentleman, Howard H Hall,                                 
Thought he was right on the ball.                           
With lots of elan,                                          
He said: "I am the man!"                                    
But alas, he had no balls at all!                           
                                                            
 4965 BALLS - LOST                   Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0402



In the harem, a lonely girl calls,                          
But the guard, all-unheeding, just sprawls.                 
When he's asked if he cheats                                
On the Sultan, he bleats,                                   
"Oh, I would - but I ain't got the balls!"                  
                                                            
 4966 BALLS - LOST                                            



A Turk caught Joe Blow in his harem,                        
And snarled, "Man, are you harem-scarum!                    
I'm calling my wranglers                                    
To bite off your danglers--                                 
From now on, you ain't gonna wear 'em!"                     
                                                            
 4967 BALLS - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  551 G0678



The impetuous Martin from Messina                           
Wanted to impress his Christina.                            
He jumped over a fence,                                     
Which was just to high, hence                               
The change to the name of Martina!                          
                                                            
 4968 BALLS - LOST                   Laughing Stock           



The wife of a red-headed Celt,                              
Lost the key to her chastity belt.                          
She tried picking the lock                                  
With an Ulsterman's cock,                                   
And the next thing he knew, he was gelt.                    
(gelt - past tense of geld = castrate)                      
 4969 BALLS - LOST                                       L1146



So thrilled was a fellow named Spence                       
When the widow next door cried, "Come hence,"               
That he leaped like a deer                                  
So the fence he would clear,                                
But his scrotum hung up on the fence.                       
                                                            
 4970 BALLS - LOST                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1821



An unfortunate fellow named Dennis                          
Is missing his eggs like a hen is...                        
He's still good in the hay,                                 
And his bedbunnies say                                      
Impregnation, at least, is no menace!                       
                                                            
 4971 BALLS - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  534      



I once asked a man from Antietam                            
Why he cut his nuts off and then beat 'em.                  
"She's pregnant again                                       
With kid number ten.                                        
My wife says I won't ever need 'em."                        
                                                            
 4972 BALLS - LOST                   MrMalo                   



In a ratty bordello in Venice,                              
An oversexed tourist named Ennis                            
Met a fate that still jangles...                            
They cut off what dangles,                                  
Which the girls now employ to play tennis.                  
                                                            
 4973 BALLS - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  156      



A millionaire surgeon named Straight                        
Laughed, "Piling up dollars is great;                       
Now for your orchidectomy                                   
Simply write a fat check to me --                           
It's scheduled tomorrow at eight."                          
                                                            
 4974 BALLS - LOST                   Armand E Singer       938



There was a young student of Yale,                          
Whose features were sickly and pale.                        
He was caught in a frost                                    
And his balls were both lost,                               
While his pecker was battered by hail.                      
                                                            
 4975 BALLS - LOST                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1828



The weight of Greg's balls is quite small,                  
While Gonzo has no balls at all.                            
Their miniscule dicks                                       
Will never do tricks,                                       
Yet they're always asked to the Ball.                       
                                                            
 4976 BALLS - LOST                   Archie                   



At the Ball they will find a quiet place,                   
(Not one that is harder to trace.)                          
And lay side by side,                                       
While the girls come outside                                
And gleefully sit on a face.                                
                                                            
 4977 BALLS - LOST                   Archie                   



And both of them are very tonguey,                          
On clit and velvet and cunny,                               
Fulfilling girls dreams                                     
And making them scream,                                     
And sometimes they do it for money.                         
                                                            
 4978 BALLS - LOST                   Archie                   



This guy Sydney from Mulholland Falls                       
Suffers from something he calls                             
"Testiculus no praesens"                                    
Which, in English, in essence,                              
Means a singular lacking of balls.                          
                                                            
 4979 BALLS - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh pity poor Corporal Frost,                                
Whose troop was ambushed as they crossed                    
The lands of the Sioux;                                     
He lived, it is true,                                       
But most of his privates were lost.                         
                                                            
 4980 BALLS - LOST                                       G2015



"Though many strange things may befall                      
Your college examiners, Paul,                               
They do not ever die,"                                      
Said a prexy named Frye,                                    
"They just lose their testees, that's all."                 
                                                            
 4981 BALLS - LOST                   A. N. Wilkins       P8311



One evening a workman named Rawls,                          
Fell asleep in his old overalls.                            
And when he woke up he                                      
Discovered a puppy                                          
Had bitten off both of his balls.                           
                                                            
 4982 BALLS - LOST                                       L1211



From his harem the sultan cried, "Yech!                     
This guard I've appointed is feck.                          
We'll soon see how he struts,                               
When I've lopped off his nuts,                              
And he finds he's a strange breedless wreck.                
                                                            
 4983 BALLS - LOST                   Bob Giandomenico    P9804



It follows.  It came from your sister,                      
Who said the first time that I kissed her:                  
"That's all that you get,                                   
Or I'll see that the vet                                    
Removes what you have down there, mister."                  
                                                            
 4984 BALLS - LOST                                            



An unfortunate marksman from Ottawa                         
Had his masculine trophies all shottawa;                    
And the girl he adored                                      
Very quickly grew bored,                                    
And although he pursued her, she gottawa.                   
                                                            
 4985 BALLS - LOST                   Hugh Oliver           54a



'Twas a gentleman farmer's sad fate,                        
To be held by the balls by one Kate.                        
She told him to cough,                                      
Pulled his bollocks right off,                              
And threw them both over the gate.                          
                                                            
 4986 BALLS - LOST                   Professor                



A sharpshooting marine named Malone                         
Could shoot standing or sitting or prone,                   
From shoulder or hip.                                       
He made only one slip,                                      
But the balls he shot off were his own.                     
                                                            
 4987 BALLS - LOST                   June Sullivan       P8406



A pain-crazed young fellow named Dunn,                      
Who'd blown off his balls with a gun,                       
Tried doses of Demerol                                      
But it all proved ephemeral,                                
And now he's right back to square one.                      
                                                            
 4988 BALLS - LOST                   Armand E Singer       257



For guarding the harem use Eunuchs;                         
They work best if left with their pricks.                   
So a slide down two planks,                                 
Then they only fire blanks;                                 
Their bollocks are squashed 'tween two bricks.              
                                                            
 4989 BALLS - LOST                                            



I see by your look, you're distraught;                      
This tale a new question has brought.                       
"I don't want to be curt                                    
But doesn't it hurt?"                                       
"It won't 'less your fingers get caught!"                   
                                                            
 4990 BALLS - LOST                                            



When chefs cook Risotto, we need                            
To invoke the kitchenhands creed,                           
And using two bricks                                        
Use the sultans old tricks,                                 
And quickly, before they can breed.                         
                                                            
 4991 BALLS - LOST                                            



In a park, near Niagara Falls,                              
You'll hear some exotic bird calls.                         
But this I have found,                                      
If you squat on the ground,                                 
A squirrel will make off with your balls.                   
                                                            
 4992 BALLS - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A dwarf man who called himself Houghton:                    
His balls in his boyhood were caught on                     
His mothers false teeth                                     
In a foul sum in Leith;                                     
She stewed them with truffles and Corton.                   
(I assume Corton is a wine? - McW)                          
 4993 BALLS - LOST                                       G2024



A callous soprano from Crete,                               
Men find is no great sexual treat.                          
In erotical frenzy                                          
With poor young MacKenzie,                                  
He ripped off his balls with her feet!                      
                                                            
 4994 BALLS - LOST                                       G2000



The vicious south-westerly squalls,                         
Which blasted their way through his smalls,                 
Caused Bert, the old codger,                                
Dislodgment of todger,                                      
And blew away both of his balls.                            
                                                            
 4995 BALLS - LOST                   Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man of Bengal,                            
Who swore he had only one ball,                             
But two sons-of-bitches,                                    
Pulled down his britches,                                   
And the bastard had no balls at all.                        
(Published 1870)                                            
 4996 BALLS - LOST                   Norman Douglas      L0130



My bollocks have shriveled up, too,                         
And I just can't believe that it's true.                    
They're no bigger than peas.                                
When I give them a squeeze,                                 
They just vanish away from my view.                         
                                                            
 4997 BALLS - LOST                                            



The Centurion grimly recalls                                
Legionaires who have lain with the Gauls,                   
Either women or men.                                        
"First their pricks get a wen,                              
And they all end up losing their balls."                    
                                                            
 4998 BALLS - LOST                   A. N. Wilkins       P8512



One summer while visiting Austin,                           
A young man who came there from Boston,                     
Tripped over a rock                                         
Which tore off his jock                                     
So his balls fell out and he lost 'em.                      
                                                            
 4999 BALLS - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A masochist Simon Fraser                                    
Castrated himself with a razor;                             
But managed despite,                                        
To rekindle his light                                       
By the use of two eggs and a laser.                         
                                                            
 5000 BALLS - LOST                   Hugh Oliver          108a



There once was a eunuch of Roylem,                          
Took two eggs to the cook and said, "Boil 'em.              
I'll sling 'em beneath                                      
My inadequate sheath,                                       
And slip into the harem and foil 'em."                      
                                                            
 5001 BALLS - LOST                                       L1341



An uxorious fellow named Fife                               
Found a stranger in bed with his wife.                      
He exclaimed, "Wanton creature,                             
Perhaps this will teach yer!"                               
And chopped off his balls with a knife.                     
(uxorious - undue fondness for one's wife)                  
 5002 BALLS - LOST                                      G1785a



A perverted young fellow named Joe                          
Thought he would get him a blow,                            
From his wife's vacuum cleaner,                             
But it sucked off his weiner...                             
So now he's a eunuch, I know.                               
                                                            
 5003 BALLS - LOST                   Blowcephus         TP9802



In Turkey, the Vicar of Avery                               
Was captured and sold into slavery.                         
He escaped with his life,                                   
But distresses his wife,                                    
And his sermons are high-pitched and quavery.               
                                                            
 5004 BALLS - LOST                                       G1987



There once was this man named John Burls,                   
Who was born without his two pearls.                        
In his scrotum he made cuts,                                
Inserted to walnuts,                                        
And was chased 'round the block by two squirrels!           
                                                            
 5005 BALLS - LOST                   Laurence Craft           



While seducing the Queen of Siam,                           
An imprudent American named Sam                             
Was deprived of his nuts                                    
By two deftly place cuts,                                   
And what dangles there now is a sham.                       
                                                            
 5006 BALLS - LOST                                       G0689



Said a gentleman from Angor Wat:                            
"I seem to have caught jungle rot!                          
My limbs are all present,                                   
A fact which is pleasant;                                   
But some of my what-nots are not!"                          
                                                            
 5007 BALLS - LOST                   Don Boen            P8201



There was young man from Reading                            
Who used to come on his bedding;                            
His new wife Kate                                           
Went mad and ate                                            
His balls on the night of his wedding.                      
                                                            
 5008 BALLS - LOST                                            



There was a young man from the West,                        
Who just loved to fondle his breast.                        
His boobs were alarming,                                    
Their beauty disarming,                                     
But his groin was testes-less.                              
                                                            
 5009 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Peter Oz                 



There was a young sailor from Munich,                       
Who carried a sword 'neath his tunic.                       
The fandango he tried                                       
And he severed his pride;                                   
Now the sailor from Munich's a eunuch.                      
                                                            
 5010 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH                                   



If the superlative of "placid" is "placidest"               
And the superlative of "flaccid" is "flaccidest",           
Then a eunuch, serene,                                      
Credentialing the Queen,                                    
Might be the Placidest, Flaccidest Ambassadtrix.            
                                                            
 5011 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Theo M. Heller      P9407



I talked to a eunuch online;                                
He said he was feeling quite fine,                          
Since his weiner was cut,                                   
And he'd lost both his nuts.                                
Just the thought caused great pain to mine!                 
                                                            
 5012 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Wildman            TP9802



Nonuki, the eunuch, is crackers;                            
Displayed on a shelf are his knackers,                      
Protected from tarnish                                      
By eight layers of varnish                                  
And colorful Japanese lacquers.                             
                                                            
 5013 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Peter Wilkins            



You know that you are the best poet.                        
Your balls on a shelf and you show it.                      
But varnish you're sayin'                                   
Eight layers -- insayun!                                    
Vinegar's better -- you know it.                            
                                                            
 5014 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Dudesdead                



Though knackers attached has he none,                       
Looking up at the shelf is his fun.                         
Admiring the luster                                         
Of his fine cluster --                                      
They're blinding when caught by the sun!                    
                                                            
 5015 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Chuck                    



Life's tough in this old city's ghetto;                     
Each kid wields his own sharp stiletto.                     
One erstwhile bum                                           
A eunuch's become;                                          
He speaks in a lovely falsetto!                             
                                                            
 5016 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Mark Levy           P9601



Though eunuchs may be quite intestate,                      
And have no heirs to further life's fate,                   
They still have the tails                                   
Of infertile males,                                         
And like playful pokes at any rate.                         
                                                            
 5017 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Daniel Ford              



They tell of a eunuch from Rhodes,                          
In whose honor the harem pens odes;                         
As he's thought to be harmless,                             
I.e., so to speak, "armless,"                               
He takes part in some wild episodes.                        
                                                            
 5018 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Armand E Singer       372



The ARGUS received sinecure,                                
As one who kept sheik's harem pure.                         
His gonads were price                                       
For positions nice,                                         
That made him a keen, limp voyeur.                          
                                                            
 5019 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Chris Papa               



Now eunuchs, as strange as it seems,                        
Guarding harems -- the stuff of my dreams! --               
May have this condition                                     
Giving rise to sedition                                     
'Mongst the girls, who employ 'em in teams                  
                                                            
 5020 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH                                   



When caught this enrages the sheik                          
(Who can only do several a week)                            
A quick amputation                                          
Saves his reputation,                                       
But the girls other solace must seek                        
                                                            
 5021 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH                                   



I've heard that eunuchs are in;                             
They're not either women or men.                            
But I love big dicks                                        
And balls I can lick,                                       
So boys without toys seems a sin.                           
                                                            
 5022 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Teresa              T9801



An astrologer living near Munich                            
Wore nought but a star-studded tunic.                       
Stargazing sans hosen,                                      
His ballocks were frozen,                                   
And now the poor doctor's a eunuch.                         
                                                            
 5023 BALLS - LOST - EUNUCH          Mike Tice                



There once was a man with three balls                       
Who used to go pubbing (in crawls).                         
He'd bet all the drunks                                     
(And win from the punks)                                    
That he could amaze all the molls.                          
                                                            
 5024 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



At her first baseball game, Sally Rawls                     
Was impressed by the umpires loud calls:                    
"Terrific in bed                                            
They must be," she said,                                    
"lf they're really endowed with four balls!"                
                                                            
 5025 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Norm Storer         P0209



A transplant male seer name McCall,                         
Can't foresee any offspring at all.                         
For though he's oomniscent,                                 
His sperm-count's deficient,                                
As revealed by his own crystal ball.                        
                                                            
 5026 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Jim Weaver Collection    



A young football player named Hull,                         
Lost a testicle fighting a bull.                            
Life's not so bad                                           
With just one gonad.                                        
You could say that his cup is half full.                    
                                                            
 5027 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Anon                     



There once was a man with one nut,                          
Who found himself in a large rut.                           
When he'd screw missionary,                                 
He'd become rather wary,                                    
Of losing it up his girl's butt.                            
                                                            
 5028 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Glenn Calvin             



O pity a fellow named Cooley,                               
Whose sex life's pure hell, to speak truly.                 
His prick is real small,                                    
He's missing one ball,                                      
The other one dangles unduly.                               
                                                            
 5029 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer       243



A popular teacher named Paul                                
Was the victim of a nasty fall.                             
The doctors said, "No,                                      
We're afraid it must go."                                   
So he ended up with just one ball.                          
                                                            
 5030 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Anon                     



A dink doc from upstate New York                            
Gave patients new gonads of cork,                           
But they just were all wrong,                               
Really not worth the song.                                  
Like hamburgers made out of pork.                           
                                                            
 5031 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer       180



Talking of objects testicular,                              
I've got an extra-curricular                                
Circular nut;                                               
It's peculiar but                                           
Insignificant as a particular.                              
                                                            
 5032 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Peter Wilkins            



An oversexed lady named Halls                               
Kept a pawnbroker's pic on her walls.                       
Whenever asked why,                                         
She'd reply with a sigh,                                    
"He's the only guy here with three balls."                  
                                                            
 5033 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Tom Patton          P9603



An oddly hung fellow named Lee,                             
A pitiful person to see,                                    
Experienced the quotum                                      
Of balls for one's scrotum:                                 
They numbered at least more than three.                     
                                                            
 5034 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand Singer       P0109



Here's the tale of Benjamin Sneed;                          
Where others were two'd, he was three'd.                    
When they'd unmask it                                       
(Three balls in a basket),                                  
He was voted 'Most Likely To Breed'.                        
                                                            
 5035 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Jim Weaver Collection    



Maria made telephone calls;                                 
Booked a squash court containing four walls.                
When came the right day,                                    
They would not let her play.                                
'Cause the girl didn't have any balls.                      
                                                            
 5036 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



My doctor said: "Son, don't you fret!                       
You'll sire a kid or two yet!                               
You only need one,                                          
But when that is gone,                                      
You will be referred to the vet."                           
                                                            
 5037 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



"You'll sire a kid..." this is uncanny!                     
Those same words were spoke by my granny                    
Who said, "For a kid                                        
You must be like Tid,                                       
Go poke yer sweet 'thang' in a nanny!"                      
                                                            
 5038 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



He poked his "sweet thang" in a nanny;                      
Explored every nook and hot cranny.                         
But he got arrested.                                        
The nanny he tested?                                        
The neighbor's au pair girl named Fanny.                    
                                                            
 5039 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



There was a young man named Zerubbabel                      
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.                 
When they asked if his pleasure                             
Was only half measure,                                      
He replied, "That is highly improbable."                    
                                                            
 5040 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                             L0263



A graduate student named Sol                                
Was accused of having one ball.                             
He shrieked, "It is true,                                   
But what can one do,                                        
When to Pater, one has given one's all?"                    
                                                            
 5041 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from St. Paul,                         
Who was born with only one ball.                            
To make up for this lack,                                   
Tied a marble to his sack.                                  
Piece of ass! Cracked glass!  Overhaul!                     
                                                            
 5042 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Laurence Craft           



He thought once to become a Taoist;                         
Heard that they were all well endowist.                     
But he was too small;                                       
Had only one ball;                                          
They told him no-way and no-howist.                         
                                                            
 5043 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Young Thomas was terribly sad.                              
He was born with a singular 'nad;                           
And his mother drank gin                                    
While indulging in sin                                      
With those sailors. Was one of them dad?                    
                                                            
 5044 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



At school they made fun of his nose                         
(It was spotty, that's why I suppose)                       
And they jeered at his 'nad;                                
How he wished that he had                                   
More than one tucked away with his hose.                    
                                                            
 5045 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



At puberty Thomas would hope                                
That his dong would get longer; but nope.                   
Every day in the tub,                                       
He would rub-a-dub-dub                                      
But it never got thicker than rope.                         
                                                            
 5046 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



With girls he was terribly shy                              
And he blushed if they even said, "Hi."                     
But he knew in his heart,                                   
They'd make fun of his part;                                
"Will I ever know love?", he would sigh.                    
                                                            
 5047 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



He screwed up his courage one day                           
And he went to a brothel. "OK",                             
Said the madame, "That's two                                
Hundred dollars to you."                                    
"Can't afford it", said Thomas, "No way!"                   
                                                            
 5048 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Then suddenly out of the blue,                              
He met flat-chested spotty young Sue,                       
With a face like the back                                   
Of an omnibus. Smack!!                                      
He was smitten and started to woo.                          
                                                            
 5049 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



A year or two later she kissed                              
Him (he blushed but he didn't resist);                      
And at last in his britches                                 
Young Thomas felt twitches;                                 
"Oh marry me, Susie", he hissed.                            
                                                            
 5050 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Alas and alack her old dad                                  
At that moment passed by and went mad.                      
"Get your hands off her, son!"                              
He said, pulling a gun,                                     
As he blasted Tom's only gonad.                             
                                                            
 5051 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



That was years ago, twenty, last spring;                    
Now he plays with what's left of his thing,                 
As he waits all alone                                       
In case Susie should phone,                                 
But there's never so much as a ring.                        
                                                            
 5052 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



I live in the city, it's true,                              
Where carbon dixode does spew;                              
I recently checked                                          
And here's the effect:                                      
My balls are now fewer than two!                            
                                                            
 5053 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Sighed an old college teacher named Brill,                  
Whose success with girl students was nil:                   
"A sac with one testicle                                    
Is hardly majestical,                                       
And what's more, I am over the hill!"                       
                                                            
 5054 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer       135



An oddball is Abner McGee,                                  
Instead of two testicles, three.                            
"He probably had                                            
A pawnbroker Dad,"                                          
The onlooking tourists agree.                               
                                                            
 5055 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Irving Superior     P8601



A schoolboy who called himself Todd,                        
His body was just a bit odd;                                
For balls -- he had four:                                   
Normal two -- plus two more;                                
The nickname they called him was Quad.                      
                                                            
 5056 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Cap'n Bean          P0305



It's my own fault I have just one ball.                     
And it's lucky I have one at all.                           
In the place I was sittin'                                  
I shouldn't have written,                                   
My phone number up on that wall.                            
                                                            
 5057 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                             L1351



A kindly pawn broker named Just                             
Found his three gilded balls ringed with rust.              
But he just could not bear                                  
To use sandpaper there,                                     
So he gave them a light talcum dust.                        
                                                            
 5058 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Limericks for John  P9711



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
As she watched me from outside the door.                    
When I asked her why,                                       
She said, with a cry,                                       
"I've heard that your balls number four!"                   
                                                            
 5059 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         DButt                    



One day a strange thing did befall                          
The trainer of tigers named Paul.                           
The cats while in rut                                       
Chewed off his left nut.                                    
Now Paul caterwauls his lost ball.                          
                                                            
 5060 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO         Julia Strawn        P8711



As long as his shaft's perpendicular                        
She really was not that particular...                       
She'd played golf in her prime                              
One ball at a time...                                       
What the hell! So he's uni-testicular!                      
                                                            
 5061 BALLS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



A farmer who lived in Ukiah                                 
Once slipped as he straddled barbed-wire.                   
His ensuing remarks                                         
Resembled the barks                                         
Of a fox, though considerably higher.                       
                                                            
 5062 BALLS - SINGERS                Brandy Brandon      P9407



A choirboy seeking advancement                              
Must use artificial enhanacement:                           
A paring most cruel                                         
Near the family jewel,                                      
For the talent of vocal entrancement.                       
                                                            
 5063 BALLS - SINGERS                Molly Seibert            



But sensible people must wonder,                            
What's the purpose behind such a blunder?                   
Why -- so soon in life --                                   
Renounce every wife,                                        
By rendering assets asunder?                                
                                                            
 5064 BALLS - SINGERS                Molly Seibert            



There was a young singer in Rio                             
Who sweetly sang O Sole Mio.                                
Then she had a sex change,                                  
Which quite deepened her range,                             
No he sings 'Neath the Deep', con brio.                     
                                                            
 5065 BALLS - SINGERS                Warrick Elrod            



Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir,                          
Yet a man who loved "playing with fire."                    
He wrestled a bear                                          
Who didn't play fair,                                       
Now he's singing a full octave higher.                      
                                                            
 5066 BALLS - SINGERS                John Miller 0013         



Sir Reginald Von Hubble of Joyce                            
Did shave his balls -- that was his choice.                 
He sneezed, Oh how sad!                                     
The results were quite bad!                                 
He now had a high pitched voice!                            
                                                            
 5067 BALLS - SINGERS                Duncan Cline             



I once had an outfit of leather,                            
Which couldn't survive rainy weather.                       
The pants when they shrank,                                 
Gave my jewelry a crank;                                    
My soprano scream rose from the heather.                    
                                                            
 5068 BALLS - SINGERS                Boy Pilot                



We'll let's hear you sing for me:                           
Perhaps the Beatles "Let it Be".                            
But if you do stammer,                                      
I'll get a sledgehammer,                                    
And you will scream a top G!                                
                                                            
 5069 BALLS - SINGERS                Anon                     



A crooner who lived in West Shore,                          
Caught both of his balls in a door.                         
Now his mezzo-soprano                                       
Is rather piano,                                            
Though he was a loud basso, before.                         
                                                            
 5070 BALLS - SINGERS                                    L1189



There once was a young basso bravura                        
Who went swimming one night at Ventura.                     
A fun-loving shark                                          
Nibbled him for a lark,                                     
And now he sings coloratura.                                
                                                            
 5071 BALLS - SINGERS                                    G1994



Antonio's bass, it was said,                                
Lured many a lady to bed.                                   
Then a girl he rejected,                                    
Both his balls disconnected,                                
And now he sings alto instead.                              
                                                            
 5072 BALLS - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young singer named Springer,                    
Got his testicles caught in the wringer.                    
He hollered with pain                                       
As they rolled down the drain,                              
(falsetto):"There goes my career as a singer!"              
                                                            
 5073 BALLS - SINGERS                                    L1217



There was a pop star called Red Dwight,                     
Whose trousers were dangerously tight.                      
When he started to move,                                    
They got stuck in the groove,                               
And now he sings opera all night.                           
                                                            
 5074 BALLS - SINGERS                Funfax Limericks         



I ran my nuts through a wringer                             
To become a high tenor singer.                              
The New York Met                                            
Has not called yet,                                         
But tomorrow, I'm on Jerry Springer.                        
                                                            
 5075 BALLS - SINGERS                Mike M             TP9802



There's an outlaw out there by El Paso,                     
Who once dodged the old sheriff's thrown lasso.             
It was aimed for his nuts,                                  
So good luck to the klutz.                                  
To this day, he is still singing basso.                     
                                                            
 5076 BALLS - SINGERS                Isaac Asimov             



A Pirate from Penzance went swimmin'.                       
A shark thought his balls needed trimmin'.                  
His voice went from low                                     
To high soprano.                                            
And now he must sing with the women.                        
                                                            
 5077 BALLS - SINGERS                Julia Strawn        P8804



A singing cowboy from El Paso,                              
Could rope with his dick like a lasso.                      
One day in the stalls,                                      
It wrapped round his balls,                                 
He sings tenor now; used to sing basso.                     
                                                            
 5078 BALLS - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A Wagnerian tenor named Knut                                
Sailed a brig from Bayreuth to Beirut.                      
He fell on his cutlass                                      
Which rendered him nutless.                                 
Now he sings in duet with his flute.                        
                                                            
 5079 BALLS - SINGERS                Tony Davie Collection    



It's said that the Dean of St Paul's                        
Oft sits with the choir in the stalls,                      
And forces high C's                                         
From the tenors with ease,                                  
By a delicate squeeze of their balls.                       
                                                            
 5080 BALLS - SINGERS                Peter Wilkins            



An ambitious pole vaulter named Dwyer                       
Wanted to jump higher and higher.                           
Till he had a few falls                                     
On each one of his balls --                                 
Now he sings in the Vienna Boys Choir.                      
                                                            
 5081 BALLS - SINGERS                Michael Weinstein   P8306



A baritone star of Havana,                                  
Slipped horribly on a banana.                               
He was sick for a year,                                     
Then resumed his career,                                    
As a promising lyric soprano.                               
                                                            
 5082 BALLS - SINGERS                                    G2020



There once was a man from Madras,                           
Who had two balls made of glass.                            
On a day of fair weather,                                   
He clicked them together,                                   
And lightning shot out of his ass!                          
                                                            
 5083 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                  L0195



I believe that those balls were of brass,                   
And not of the non-metal glass.                             
If his glass balls did clack,                               
I suspect they would crack                                  
And spray painful chips in his ass.                         
                                                            
 5084 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Michael                  



Balls of brass!?  Oh how appealing!                         
I hope they're not lacking all feeling,                     
Cause my pussy is chrome,                                   
And when you ram it home,                                   
You may find me stuck to the ceiling.                       
                                                            
 5085 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                       



I believe they were balls of steel,                         
And when they would dance the reel,                         
They once swung so high,                                    
It knocked out his eye,                                     
And his dick he cannot now feel.                            
                                                            
 5086 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Kathi Webster            



I hear they were made out of wood;                          
There was no badder cat in d'hood.                          
He could of brought pleasure                                
To the girls with his treasure;                             
If not for the termites he could.                           
                                                            
 5087 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                       



I heard they were balls made of leather,                    
And worked fine except in damp weather.                     
The leather would shrink,                                   
And so would his dink                                       
(Told to me by his wife, Heather).                          
                                                            
 5088 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                       



Well, I heard they were made out of lead,                   
And they were heavy, needn't be said.                       
He could hardly stand;                                      
They were so big and grand;                                 
Forget about getting out of bed.                            
                                                            
 5089 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                       



I heard they were balls made of cloth;                      
They were stitched so they wouldn't fall off.               
They worked fine that way                                   
Till one dismal day,                                        
He was done in by a horny moth.                             
                                                            
 5090 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



I heard they were made out of stone.                        
They'd scrape with a terrible tone.                         
They'd hang down to his feet.                               
Not a girl he could meet,                                   
And he'd play with his marbles alone.                       
                                                            
 5091 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



His balls were of Antarctic ice,                            
And the look of those balls was quite nice.                 
But each girl that he led                                   
Down the hall to his bed,                                   
Would jump right back out in a trice.                       
                                                            
 5092 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



Or to say they were made out of candy,                      
Which really could come in quite handy.                     
After getting a lick,                                       
Some girls would be quick                                   
To discover what made him so randy.                         
                                                            
 5093 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



They really were made out of plastic,                       
In colors and hues quite fantastic.                         
Mostly yellow and green                                     
With a purplish sheen,                                      
And the thing in between was quite drastic.                 
                                                            
 5094 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



Now my balls are made out of skin,                          
With tissues and tubules within.                            
While they won't produce lightning,                         
What they do make's more frightening,                       
Because it produces more kin!                               
                                                            
 5095 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm surprised that nobody's been quick                      
To say they were made, cut from brick,                      
Laid up with mortar,                                        
By a stone- mason's daughter,                               
To go with his cobble-stone prick.                          
                                                            
 5096 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a sailor named Lubber                        
Who had a fine pair made of rubber.                         
His favorite lass                                           
Was glad they weren't brass,                                
'Cause brass always burned her like blubber.                
                                                            
 5097 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                       



There was a young man of Madras,                            
Who boasted his balls were of brass.                        
Below his huge totem                                        
There tinkled his scrotum,                                  
Just inches away from his ass.                              
                                                            
 5098 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                       



I knew a sharp dresser named Schwarz,                       
Who had crystal balls in his shorts.                        
They'd slam on one's cunny,                                 
Leaving it red and runny,                                   
'Cause Schwarz only came off in quartz.                     
                                                            
 5099 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              H Whelchel               



They tell me that moth balls are camphor;                   
That's something I don't give a damn for.                   
But my balls are sweet                                      
For young ladies to eat,                                    
And that's what I go to young Pam for.                      
                                                            
 5100 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Tiddy Ogg                



Consider the plight of the moth;                            
Camphor has made him full wroth.                            
His balls go in pissers                                     
While hitters and missers                                   
Dissolve them in urinal froth.                              
                                                            
 5101 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Brian                    



A little old man from Nepal                                 
Purchased a large crystal ball.                             
"I should have got skin                                     
When they put it in.                                        
This one does not work well, at all."                       
                                                            
 5102 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Marlene Lewis            



A clumsy bullfighter named Board,                           
Whose knockers got horribly gored,                          
Replaced them with plastic:                                 
They're hardly fantastic                                    
But all the poor klutz can afford.                          
                                                            
 5103 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Armand E Singer       812



As the hooker took him to bed,                              
She found his balls made of lead.                           
Eyes wide and ablaze,                                       
She was safe from X-rays,                                   
But prefered the taste of real balls instead.               
                                                            
 5104 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Joe Kohn                 



There was young man of Goose Green,                         
With balls made of Stork margarine.                         
But when they were felt,                                    
They started to melt;                                       
A scene seen by some as obscene.                            
                                                            
 5105 BALLS - SYNTHETIC                                       



I thought the old man was quite spastic,                    
But his balls were made out of plastic.                     
One he named Eon,                                           
The other was Leon,                                         
And he kept them in place with elastic.                     
                                                            
 5106 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man named Fred,                            
Whose ballocks were made out of lead.                       
His girlfriend complained                                   
That she nearly got brained                                 
Every time she tried giving him head.                       
                                                            
 5107 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Weeshwaa                 



Bill's balls were brass and would bong;                     
Greg's balls were glass and would gong.                     
Tim's tin ones would ring                                   
And Ben's bronze ones would ding,                           
And Will's wooden dick whistled along.                      
                                                            
 5108 BALLS - SYNTHETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



A young doctor peripatetic                                  
Was testically very pathetic.                               
The poor boy tried to swallow                               
The balls of Apollo...                                      
I hope you are all sympathetic.                             
                                                            
 5109 BALLS - VARIED                                     G0419



There once was a man with a testicle                        
That was a truly awful spectacle.                           
It was big, black, and hairy,                               
While the other, ordinary;                                  
He called them Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jesticle.                   
                                                            
 5110 BALLS - VARIED                 ROE                      



A silly young bride had the gall                            
To laugh at her husband's left ball.                        
She had him so flustered                                    
He finally blustered,                                       
"Well dear, you clitor-is too small."                       
                                                            
 5111 BALLS - VARIED                                     G0339



There was a young fellow named Bob,                         
Whose balls did a terrible job;                             
Though the one on the right                                 
Could function all night,                                   
The one on the left would just throb.                       
                                                            
 5112 BALLS - VARIED                 Norm Storer              



My girlfriend was much less than lyrical                    
In smirking, "It's almost a miracle                         
That everyone calls                                         
Your testicles balls,                                       
When they're almost too small to be spherical!"             
(Microscopic (from data empirical)".)                       
 5113 BALLS - VARIED                 Norman Storer(Deex) P9306



Speaking of balls, one is BIGGER;                           
It must have got bit by a chigger.                          
Like a fist it will swell                                   
And it's hurting like hell;                                 
Never again will I beat-off with vigor.                     
                                                            
 5114 BALLS - VARIED                                          



This reminds me how greatly I like                          
Gentle touches elsewhere than my spike.                     
Now if you'll just tease                                    
'Twixt my nuts and my knees,                                
You can watch my right ball take a hike.                    
                                                            
 5115 BALLS - VARIED                                          



Is this leap a normal retraction,                           
Or just my own hardsoft reaction?                           
Girls, if you don't mind,                                   
I'll bet you will find,                                     
Some research a pleasant distraction.                       
                                                            
 5116 BALLS - VARIED                                          



No government grant's here in force,                        
But you girls (such a lovely resource!)                     
Should report in the morning                                
(The usual warning:                                         
In limerick form here of course).                           
                                                            
 5117 BALLS - VARIED                                          



If I tweaked my ex-lover's left ball,                       
His dick would get wonderful tall,                          
But -- if I tweaked the right --                            
Though I sucked it all night,                               
Then it wouldn't do nothin' at all!                         
                                                            
 5118 BALLS - VARIED                 Robin K. Willoughby P9710



Now Michael, the big man of Hall,                           
Was obsessed with his one massive ball,                     
Which he always felt proud,                                 
To display to a crowd.                                      
What he did with the other would fall.                      
                                                            
 5119 BALLS - VARIED                                          



A world famous pollster named Noah                          
Went canvassing door to door.                               
Of thousands of men                                         
Five point nine of ten                                      
Had testicles right hanging lower.                          
                                                            
 5120 BALLS - VARIED                 Irving Superior     P8503



There was a young man named Hasdrubable,                    
Who had only one real and one rubber ball.                  
Not to be out-witted,                                       
His wife was two-teated;                                    
She had one rubber bub and one rubbable.                    
                                                            
 5121 BALLS - VARIED                                     G0354



Though my balls are so small you can't see 'em,             
They earn me a handsome per diem.                           
Magnified ninety-power,                                     
I show them each hour                                       
Near the door of the British Museum.                        
                                                            
 5122 BALLS - VARIED                 Norm Storer              



A German musician named Mahler,                             
Had his balls insured for a dollar.                         
One ball was petite,              (One was so small)        
Like a wee grain of wheat;        (It was nothing at all;)  
The other, considerably smaller.                            
                                                            
 5123 BALLS - VARIED                                     G0397



There was a young man of Devizes                            
Whose ballocks were two different sizes.                    
One weighed a pound                                         
And dragged on the ground;                                  
The other was small as a fly's is.                          
                                                            
 5124 BALLS - VARIED                                    G0311A



There once was a judge of Assize,                           
Whose bollocks were not the same size.                      
He'd look to the right                                      
With a gasp of delight,                                     
But the left one brought tears to his eyes.                 
                                                            
 5125 BALLS - VARIED                 Anon                     



My testicles change with the moon;                          
They're big as a barrage balloon;                           
But what a surprise,                                        
When they change to a size                                  
Which is smaller than normal in June.                       
                                                            
 5126 BALLS - VARIED                 Peter Wilkins            



Reminds me of a Chinaman I know,                            
His gonads different sizes did grow.                        
One hung up high                                            
And one down his thigh --                                   
His name, of course, Won Hung Low.                          
                                                            
 5127 BALLS - VARIED                 Bob Mornington           



The wife of the local Dr.                                   
Hit ninety when the highway patrol clr.                     
But she pleader her case                                    
In a manner so base,                                        
He gave in, burnt the ticket, and cr.                       
                                                            
 5128 BAWDY - ABBREVS                MrMalo                   



A visit was paid to the Dr.            (doctor)             
By a grouchy old spinster, Miss Pr.    (Proctor)            
She lay down on the couch                                   
And no longer did grouch,                                   
For the Dr. unfr. and fr.            (unfrocked her, foctor)
                                                            
 5129 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Albin Chaplin 3024  P9105



Did you hear of the notorious Dr.                           
Who was known as a very stern pr.?                          
When a rude little miss                                     
Came to class just to hiss,                                 
He got mad, hauled off and sr.                              
                                                            
 5130 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Bill Edwards        P9106



Most agree: 16 oz. per lb.                   (pound)        
And that spheres are just perfectly rb.      (round)        
But Flat Earthers question                                  
The merest suggestion                                       
That truth absolute can be fb.               (found)        
                                                            
 5131 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Bill Edwards        P9106



To lose weight, lb. and oz.,                 (ounce)        
The primary rule, by accoz.,                 (accounts)     
Is to maintain the gumption                                 
To limit consumption,                                       
And fat leaves in pleasing amoz.             (amounts)      
                                                            
 5132 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Bill Edwards        P9106



I remember the time when a mr.                              
Went out on the beach with my sr.                           
When the sun had them fried,                                
"It's your fault!" she cried.                               
(To soothe her, he kr. blr.)                                
                                                            
 5133 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Bill Edwards        P9106



The president of a big co.                                  
Once threatened to fire and to do.                          
Cute secretary                                              
Who wouldn't make merry.                                    
So they quit, and he never did ho.                          
                                                            
 5134 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Richard Lederer     P9603



Though that's not why they call Cathererine gt.,  (great)   
Say the scholars who set the facts st.            (straight)
She managed to sc.                                (screw)   
Such a numerous c.                                (crew)    
That she made Don Juan seem second t.             (rate)    
                                                            
 5135 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Arthur Deex         P9105



Though weighing one-eighty plus ozs.   (ounces)             
She must constantly parry men's pozs.  (pounces)            
Despite being demure,                                       
What creates this allure                                    
Is the way that her nether end bozs.    (bounces)           
                                                            
 5136 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Bob Giandomenico    P9105



A bawdy young brewer named Dbl.        (Daryl)              
Of his sexual conquests would cbl.     (carol)              
His tales of screwery                                       
Went round the brewery                                      
And the scores he'd had over a bbl.    (barrel)             
                                                            
 5137 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Bob Giandomenico    P9105



A young man from Provincetown, MA                           
Was unable to PA an GA,                                     
For when grabbing a tube,                                   
He got glue and not lube,                                   
And had sealed up the hole in his A.                        
                                                            
 5138 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A cutie of five-foot, one ",                 (inch)         
When she felt a too-friendly p"              (pinch)        
Said, "Knock off your games,                                
Or my six-foot-four James                                   
Will put out your lights--that's a c".       (cinch)        
                                                            
 5139 BAWDY - ABBREVS                Bill Edwards        P9106



For a dirty old codger named Flaherty,                      
Exhibitions of couth are a rarity.                          
He will often go past                                       
With his pants at half mast,                                
While committing crude acts of vulgarity.                   
                                                            
 5140 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Pierce Evans             



There was a young man from Poughkeepsie                     
Who, whenever he got slightly tipsy,                        
Would whip out his tool                                     
And attack, like a fool,                                    
Any girl who was breasty and hipsy.                         
                                                            
 5141 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Isaac Asimov             



An uncouth, lusty youth in Septeele,                        
I admit is a bit of a heel.                                 
He assesses a prude                                         
By her mood in the nude,                                    
And a bitch by the pitch of her squeal.                     
                                                            
 5142 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Keith MacMillan       36b



There was a young fellow named Shit;                        
A named he disliked quite a bit.                            
So he changed it to Shite,                                  
A step in the right                                         
Direction, one has to admit.                                
                                                            
 5143 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Victor Gray              



An alternative Coco the Clown,                              
Pulled his trousers up rather than down.                    
His nose was bright green                                   
And mildly obscene;                                         
You should see where he painted his frown.                  
                                                            
 5144 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Bill Wall                



I once lost both of my maraccas,                            
In high school way down in Caracas.                         
They stole my skin flute,                                   
Ran off with their loot,                                    
Came back and dry humped poor Chewbaca.                     
                                                            
 5145 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



A not quite so young man named Kyle,                        
Had habits disgusting and vile.                             
But he is forgiven                                          
For he's always striven                                     
To commit them with class and with style.                   
                                                            
 5146 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Archie                   



Said the Enron executive, Krause,                           
Whom the stockholders say is a louse:                       
"I'd be grateful if you                                     
Don't tell Mom what I do;                                   
She thinks I still pimp for my spouse"                      
                                                            
 5147 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



My age is a matter of pride;                                
I find now my time I will bide.                             
And when my gland nods,                                     
It takes fewer prods                                        
To have him rampaging inside.                               
                                                            
 5148 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



As a kid I was happy at Skipwith.                           
We thought girls were super to flip with.                   
But I find that I can,                                      
As a dirty old man,                                         
Secure fewer floozies to grip with.                         
                                                            
 5149 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Howard Peach        P9006



I enjoy me an ale or two;                                   
Aye, I'm fond of the pale amber brew.                       
And I may act like a lout                                   
With a gutfull of stout                                     
And likely to shout "Fuck you, too!"                        
                                                            
 5150 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Damen Stevens            



Keven Wilson's songs are quite lewd;                        
He even sang once in the nude.                              
But a man down in front                                     
Shouted "Get rid of the cunt!"                              
Why are some people so rude?                                
                                                            
 5151 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Mike Canada              



The pants thing ain't caused me to ponder;                  
They'll come clean as soon as I launder.                    
And while they gyrate                                       
'Round the washer post, mate,                               
My post will gyrate you to grandeur.                        
                                                            
 5152 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



I'll start with my tongue in your twat,                     
And circle it 'til you get hot.                             
And then I suppose,                                         
I could take my hose                                        
And spray it in that fiery spot...                          
                                                            
 5153 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



When a smelly young person named Rob                        
Applied for his very first job,                             
He was asked, "What's that smell?"                          
And replied "Go to Hell!                                    
Washing is for pussies, you snob."                          
                                                            
 5154 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Michael Rohaly           



There was a young man from Sioux Falls,                     
Who walked around scratching his balls.                     
When a sexy dame'd pass,                                    
He'd then scratch his ass,                                  
Flash his dick, and yell "Please hold my calls!"            
                                                            
 5155 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Jim Weaver Collection    



Those pillars of local society,                             
Who advocate goodness and piety,                            
Are oft found in gutters                                    
With like-minded nutters,                                   
Indulging in gross impropriety.                             
                                                            
 5156 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Peter Wilkins            



I know a vile lout from the Cape,                           
Who's less than a well-trousered ape;                       
He has almost no culture;                                   
He eats like a vulture,                                     
And courtship to him is just rape.                          
                                                            
 5157 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Armand E Singer       321



There's a question designed to perplex;                     
Why is a man's ego complex?                                 
Is the size of his dick                                     
What makes a man tick?                                      
Or maybe its his lack of sex?                               
                                                            
 5158 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Jim Weaver Collection    



The girl of my dreams (dry or wet)                          
Still hasn't shown herself yet.                             
I've checked every whorehouse;                              
Hell, I've even checked your house!                         
How hard up can one fellow get!                             
                                                            
 5159 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Writerman                



Twenty nine years, I was this week;                         
I ache all over; my joints do creak.                        
I feel more like fifty-odd;                                 
Close to death, close to God;                               
A matter which I don't like to speak.                       
                                                            
 5160 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



This terrible state that you're in,                         
Is due to debauchery and sin;                               
You've been getting your treats                             
From those girls of the streets,                            
And drinking much whisky and gin.                           
                                                            
 5161 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



Now don't you go call me doom-monger,                       
'Cause you couldn't be living life wronger.                 
If you don't change your ways,                              
Then the length of your days,                               
My friend, won't be very much longer.                       
                                                            
 5162 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



So put worldly pleasures away,                              
Give up women and wine, yes, today.                         
You'll feel so much stronger,                               
You may not live longer,                                    
But boy, it will sure feel that way.                        
                                                            
 5163 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



That's almost the truth I should add.                       
Yes, I lunched for three hours and I had                    
A small glass of champagne                                  
With a lady (not Jane;                                      
And she wasn't improperly clad.)                            
                                                            
 5164 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



It's true I was late getting in,                            
But the boss had remarked with a grin                       
On the previous day,                                        
('Twas his birthday that day),                              
"If you're late it's no terrible sin."                      
                                                            
 5165 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



And yes, I went dining again                                
After work and I caught a late train                        
(Not the last, I should add).                               
So it wasn't too bad,                                       
For I suffered no strain to the brain.                      
                                                            
 5166 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



My beer-swilling buddy, named Mort,                         
Once dipped his huge balls in a quart                       
To check their displacement.                                
To best this debasement,                                    
I finished the pint just for sport.                         
                                                            
 5167 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



His lovely young sister, Mort claimed,                      
Could piss like a man, unashamed.                           
We soon took our places                                     
At twenty-five paces.                                       
And damn, she hit right where she aimed.                    
                                                            
 5168 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



I was feeling quite down on my luck,                        
Because Sissy had bet me a fuck.                            
The taste of Mort's beer                                    
And the piss in my ear,                                     
Made the ride to the prison house suck.                     
                                                            
 5169 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



You say that she aimed for your ear?                        
Opportunity missed, I would fear;                           
Once the stream was detected,                               
Were your head redirected,                                  
You could flush out the taste of the beer.                  
                                                            
 5170 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



In Victorian England, repression                            
Of sex was a constant obsession.                            
If you were upper-class,                                    
Your misconduct would pass,                                 
If you did it with utter discretion.                        
                                                            
 5171 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Warrick Elrod            



With you gents I would like to confer                       
'Bout the moves that this lass would prefer.                
Does romance make her giddy?                                
Just go grab her titty?                                     
Speak up!  To your tips I'll defer.                         
                                                            
 5172 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



I'm listening to music that's bluesy;                       
My mind's gone all mushy and oozy.                          
I know that I need                                          
To sow some new seed,                                       
But for that I need me a floozy.                            
                                                            
 5173 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



I may head on down to the Roxy                              
And if there is one who's not poxy,                         
I'll pick up a girl                                         
And give her a whirl,                                       
And maybe I'll make her my doxy.                            
                                                            
 5174 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



My lust I am needing to quench;                             
I'll lay her right down on this bench.                      
And like a ewe, tup her                                     
And then have my supper                                     
Prepared by the very same wench.                            
                                                            
 5175 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



I'd hate it if we were to part;                             
She's wormed her way into my heart.                         
With a past that is shady,                                  
Not much of a lady,                                         
But she is my very own tart.                                
                                                            
 5176 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



As far as wild oats are concerned,                          
There's a lesson that needs to be learned.                  
We reap what we sow.                                        
That much I know --                                         
I, who have been badly burned.                              
                                                            
 5177 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Macsam                   



At a car-wash, I got my truck clean;                        
The attendant, to me, was real mean.                        
His manner was rude,                                        
The comment, quite rude.                                    
And so I flipped him a gesture obscene!                     
                                                            
 5178 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



In El Paso there is a young ool-fay,                        
Who spent all his life playing ool-pay.                     
When his wife tells him to it-quay,                         
He says, "You're full of it-shay."                          
Which shows he's a stubborn young ule-may.                  
(The world's first Pig Latin limerick)                      
 5179 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Ed Wolfert          P8204



An orgy with hash and with coke!                            
Will, with my Popish new cloak,                             
I'll hear you confess                                       
This almighty mess                                          
With drugs and some girls who you poke!                     
                                                            
 5180 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Archie                   



I will require penance from you                             
And all of your partying crew.                              
My stocks have run low;                                     
I'd have to be slow;                                        
To pass up this chance would not do!                        
                                                            
 5181 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Archie                   



The girls have a new penance due,                           
Whether they be many or few.                                
Be good for their souls,                                    
To open their holes.                                        
I'm needing a bloody good screw!                            
                                                            
 5182 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Archie                   



For Archie and his Papal tricks,                            
I've fixed up a girlie who licks.                           
Her name is Luci-                                           
Fer ever juicy;                                             
She'll invert you on her crucifix.                          
                                                            
 5183 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Frank                    



And lick you like no other nun                              
And just when you think you are done,                       
She'll then exorcise                                        
You between her thighs,                                     
Until you cross over, my son!                               
                                                            
 5184 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Frank                    



Are you tired of being a simp?                              
Do the girls say you act like a wimp?                       
Would you look like Lord Byron?                             
Well, give it a try; run                                    
Around in the nude with a limp!                             
(with a limp what? - McW)                                   
 5185 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Robin K. Willoughby P8311



A friend may be someone with money.                         
A friend may at times be quite funny.                       
But you'll know in the end                                  
That your friend's not a friend,                            
If your friend goes to bed with your honey!                 
                                                            
 5186 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Bob Birch                



There once was a lewd Australasian,                         
Whose actions were quite Rabelaissian;                      
His deeds with his penis                                    
Would have shocked even Venus,                              
And staggered the Emperor Vespasian.                        
                                                            
 5187 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



A QUIRK is what makes one unique;                           
It adds to a person's mystique;                             
The curve of your smile,                                    
Your strange dancing style,                                 
Or your urge to get naked and streak.                       
                                                            
 5188 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Observer                 



English had many such gems,                                 
Hiding behind all the hems                                  
And haws in our diction,                                    
Concealing affliction (and pure predilection):              
What fills our minds is our femmes!                         
                                                            
 5189 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



A misanthrope named Wyn N. Nims                             
Thought humans much lower than Houyhnhnms.                  
Without mincing words                                       
He called them all turds,                                   
And other unsavory synonyms.                                
                                                            
 5190 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                             G2748



There once was a Leicestershire lad                         
Whose decorum was terribly bad.                             
At his best, and at worst,                                  
He swore blindly and cursed,                                
As behooved an unspeakable cad.                             
                                                            
 5191 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Anon                     



An Indian said, "Fiddle-faddle!                             
From this place I ought to skedaddle!"                      
At the end of the week                                      
He was found up Shit Creek                                  
With nothing, not even a paddle!                            
                                                            
 5192 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         John Dohner         P8810



With the bedside alarm-clock I fumble,                      
Then round in my bedroom I stumble;                         
I scratch and I yawn                                        
'Til it finally dawns                                       
On me .. "Morning?  Oh fuck it!" I mumble.                  
                                                            
 5193 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



Don't walk down the street in the nude --                   
You might get yourself pinched, if not screwed.             
Don't annoy Rottweilers,                                    
Give gifts of potboilers,                                   
Or whack ladies, 'less they are rude.                       
                                                            
 5194 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN                                  



A remorseful young man named Nat                            
Tried hard to find where life was at.                       
Wine, women, and song                                       
Put his thinking all wrong;                                 
Too much of those things can do that.                       
                                                            
 5195 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - MEN         Macsam                   



A pair of good friends out one day                          
Were enjoying a lunch tete a tete.                          
The topic du jour                                           
Soon turned to la'amour;                                    
He is what they had to say...                               
                                                            
 5196 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



Maxine and Celeste had begun                                
By discussing the zookeeper's son.                          
"That boy we once knew,                                     
With the white cockatoo?"                                   
"I believe he had only one."                                
                                                            
 5197 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



"At any rate, how about a rating                            
Of the people you're currently mating?"                     
"You know very well                                         
That I don't kiss and tell --"                              
"Yes I know, it's no fun and it's grating."                 
                                                            
 5198 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



On the other hand, Max would detail                         
Each lover's virtues quite well.                            
She worked out a system                                     
In which she would list them                                
According to talent and scale.                              
                                                            
 5199 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



My dear Jeremy was a pro,                                   
And hung like Rasputin, Oh ho!                              
But Allen, poor dear,                                       
Too excited, I fear --                                      
It was over before the word go.                             
                                                            
 5200 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



"And then there was marvelous Frank,                        
Who curiously loved to be spanked;                          
Bent over a chair,                                          
His bottom quite bare,                                      
I'd paddle his flanks with a plank!                         
                                                            
 5201 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



"I must mention Gentleman Joe;                              
He likes it in public, you know.                            
I'll never forget                                           
The first time we met,                                      
And the last time we took in a show."                       
                                                            
 5202 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



Celeste repremanded, "Maxine!                               
You're wonderfully, blithely obscene!                       
But other patrons, so near                                  
May soon overhear                                           
Every person with whom you have been!"                      
                                                            
 5203 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



"My dear little dainty Celeste,                             
Let them hear me, it's all for the best.                    
I make it my pride                                          
To have nothing to hide.                                    
But since you blush so, let it rest!"                       
                                                            
 5204 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



Celeste smiled in a coquettish way                          
At Maxine in the busy cafe.                                 
"Dear old girl, Maxine,                                     
I won't cause a scene                                       
If you'll softly tell me of Jose."                          
                                                            
 5205 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



A bashful young fellow named Schick,                        
The sight of young girls made him sick.                     
Whenever they found him                                     
They'd gather around him,                                   
But he beat them all off with his prick.                    
                                                            
 5206 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Albin Chaplin 3024  G2497



Two sisters, Marie and Jane Burkas,                         
Went out on a date with two Gurkhas.                        
In a quiet country lane,                                    
Marie said to Jane,                                         
"Do you think they are going to furkhas?"                   
                                                            
 5207 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Tiddy Ogg                



A nice and dear lady named Huck,                            
Fell flat on her face in the muck.                          
"There was no one in sight                                  
To observe her sad plight,                                  
So she screamed in disgust, "What the fuck!"                
                                                            
 5208 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Albin Chaplin   3024-2114



There once was a woman named Ruth,                          
Whose manners were rough and uncouth.                       
She spit and she swore                                      
As she shit on the floor,                                   
And screamed "Fuck!" as she pissed off the roof.            
                                                            
 5209 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lass from Nantucket,                      
Who did all her wash in a bucket.                           
The wind came one day,                                      
Blew it all away,                                           
She threw up her hands and said, "Fuck It!"                 
                                                            
 5210 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Wind Runner              



There once was a girl from Tenn.,                           
Who to limericks, would put her pen,                        
To avoid being lazy.                                        
She's now gone quite crazy,                                 
And requests dirty poems done by men.                       
                                                            
 5211 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Dave                     



There was a young girl named McGraw,                        
Whose morals were wretched and raw.                         
She was queried at times                                    
To account for her crimes,                                  
But she said she did not know the law.                      
                                                            
 5212 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Albin Chaplin   3024-2695



Three famous black women gave succor                        
When America's bigotry struck her:                          
Aunt Jemima, sweet thing,                                   
Plus Coretta Scott King,                                    
And wisest of all, Mother Fucker.                           
                                                            
 5213 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                                



A French woman maquis named Blerot                          
Who took Winston C. for her hero,                           
Said, "He told the 'Entente'                                
'Twould be hard, tough, and long,                           
And the chance of withdrawal was zero."                     
                                                            
 5214 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                           G2679



There was a young lady named Brenda                         
Who appeared on the U.N. agenda.                            
The decision went forth:                                    
The U.S. got the north,                                     
And the Russians obtained the pudenda.                      
                                                            
 5215 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                           G2272



There was a young woman named Joan,                         
Who liked to have sex on the phone.                         
To turn a few tricks,                                       
She called guys with big pricks,                            
And proceeded to moan and to groan.                         
                                                            
 5216 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Anon                     



Oh, give me a girl who is plump                             
And has plenty of bounce to her rump;                       
Who enjoys a good giggle                                    
When parts of her jiggle                                    
And loves a good rollicking hump.                           
                                                            
 5217 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                                



The young ones go in for athletics                          
And bone wrenching hyperkinetics.                           
At my age such strain                                       
Could cause me a sprain.                                    
Good fun ought not need anesthetics.                        
                                                            
 5218 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                                



There was an old girl of Nantucket,                         
Who went down to hell in a bucket.                          
And the last words she spoke,                               
Before the rope broke,                                      
Were: "Arse-holes, you buggers!  And suck it!"              
(Published 1879)                                            
 5219 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Norman Douglas      L1496



A church-going woman named Simms,                           
Was given to irreverent whims.                              
To the pastor she'd yell:                                   
"Brother, go give them Hell!"                               
Then sing bawdy lines in the hymns.                         
                                                            
 5220 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Warrick Elrod            



The teacher gave good educations                            
On nothing but human relations;                             
With monkey or poodle,                                      
She would never doodle,                                     
Not wanting to cause aberations.                            
                                                            
 5221 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Arden                    



This school marm, a very fine lass,                         
Decided she would teach her class                           
(Charged only a nickle)                                     
To learn how to tickle                                      
Her very fine curvy round ass.                              
                                                            
 5222 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Arden                    



Now a student approaching the marm,                         
Asked her, "What is the harm,                               
In showing first hand,                                      
The lay of the land                                         
And the spot that is fragrant and warm."                    
                                                            
 5223 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Arden                    



There was a young lady from Tritt                           
Who on her front porch loved to sit.                        
With her feet on the rail                                   
She'd exhibit her tail,                                     
And also the place where she shit.                          
                                                            
 5224 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                           G2537



A contemptuous matron in Shoreham,                          
Behaved with extreme indecorum.                             
She snapped a sarcastic                                     
And secret elastic                                          
Throughout the community forum.                             
                                                            
 5225 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                                



You know how men talk to your breast?                       
Just think what they'd do if they guessed,                  
We talk to the crotch.                                      
It's all that we watch,                                     
Completely ignoring the rest.                               
                                                            
 5226 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                                



There was a young girl from Eutoxeter,                      
Who went out on a date with two Jocks at a                  
Disco in Wick,                                              
Slipped off with a mick.                                    
No wonder those two Jocks threw rocks at her.               
                                                            
 5227 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Bob Scott                



Once in bed, Red's a grunter and growler,                   
And her language grows steadily fouler;                     
Such behavior, though crude,                                
Will rouse even a prude                                     
To a state where he might disembowler!                      
                                                            
 5228 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Norm Storer              



There was a young woman from Bude                           
Who every so often got stewed.                              
Then, as she had planned,                                   
She would walk down the strand,                             
In the hope that she'd get herself screwed.                 
                                                            
 5229 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Dixon Prix               



The installer is now on his way;                            
My emotion's in such disarray.                              
For if I get my wishes,                                     
My new TV dish is                                           
Not the only thing mounted this day.                        
                                                            
 5230 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Clumpy Wheel             



A brash young wench named Pluckett,                         
Boarded a boat for Nantucket.                               
When she arrived there,                                     
They asked for her fare,                                    
She lifted her skirt and said, "Suck it."                   
                                                            
 5231 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                                



When kissed by a gent on her cheek,                         
Mrs. Astor was then heard to speak:                         
"I'm a sucker for truckers                                  
And mean motherfuckers!                                     
Sorry gentlemen-- you're up shit creek!"                    
                                                            
 5232 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl of Connecticut,                      
Who didn't care much about etiquette.                       
Whenever she was able                                       
She'd piss on the table,                                    
And mop off her cunt with her petticoat.                    
                                                            
 5233 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN                           L1391



An attractive young nudist at Eutoxeter                     
Keeps the prudes in a series of shocks at her,              
When she walks in the streets,                              
For some men that she meets,                                
Will unzip them and brandish their cocks at her.            
                                                            
 5234 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       A. N. Wilkins       P8312



A male chauvanistical pig                                   
Makes claims which are quite infra dig.                     
There are Doras and Doras,                                  
And some will laugh more as                                 
The males show their thing-a-ma-jig.                        
                                                            
 5235 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Bill Backe-Hansen   P9003



Of all people this bunch is the lewdest,                    
They're the raunchiest and they're the rudest.              
If given the chance,                                        
They'll rip off their pants                                 
And debate about which is the nudest.                       
                                                            
 5236 BAWDY - BEHAVIOR - WOMEN       Neal Wilgus         P8312



An old fortuneteller, Miss Toole                            
Would ride into town on her mule,                           
And your fortune she scanned,                               
Not by reading your hand,                                   
But by pondering the twist in your stool.                   
                                                            
 5237 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1235



The baker beheld with affection                             
His upstanding, pulsing erection                            
And said, "When I go,                                       
Man, I go in the dough,                                     
For it makes the bread brown to perfection!"                
                                                            
 5238 BAWDY - JOBS                   Grand Prix Lim  947      



A baker who lived in Cologne                                
Was screwing a lady named Joan.                             
When he offered her bread,                                  
She refused it and said                                     
She could not live just by bread alone.                     
                                                            
 5239 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0091



In the depths of his vault in the cellar,                   
Banker John fucked a harlot named Geller.                   
He paid more than he ought;                                 
She gave change with her twat,                              
So he gave her a job as a teller.                           
                                                            
 5240 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin            



A boss with two assholes was Bliss;                         
His office routine was amiss.                               
The reduced dedication                                      
Was because of frustration,                                 
For they knew not which hole they should kiss.              
                                                            
 5241 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0791



The butcher was fucking Miss Shore                          
Who lay on the butcher shop floor.                          
She pondered the ceiling                                    
And had a strange feeling,                                  
She had felt that salami before.                            
                                                            
 5242 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0330



A lady complained in New York                               
That she never had meat on her fork                         
For the meat was priced high,                               
So the butcher did sigh,                                    
As he slipped her a pound of fresh pork.                    
                                                            
 5243 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0278



The husband drives off down the street                      
To earn daily bread for his sweet;                          
While his wife sets her down                                
And she waits, in her gown,                                 
For the butcher to bring her the meat.                      
                                                            
 5244 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0349



The butcher's in need of relief;                            
Under tension beyond your belief.                           
He must smoke tons of turkey                                
And mounds of beefjerky;                                    
For the tension he jerkys his beef.                         
                                                            
 5245 BAWDY - JOBS                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



A most competent coroner named Loar,                        
Checked the cock of a corpse on the floor,                  
And said, "From the humidity,                               
Plus the rigid morbidity,                                   
It's been dead for two hours or more."                      
                                                            
 5246 BAWDY - JOBS                   Armand E Singer       264



For busy young typist, Miss Fry,                            
Advancement no boss could deny.                             
To the top she did climb,                                   
Just by coming on time,                                     
And by eating her lunch on the fly.                         
                                                            
 5247 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1263



Men rise to the top of the pile                             
Through chicanery, cunning and guile.                       
But a man broke tradition                                   
To achieve high position,                                   
By perfecting his cocksucking smile.                        
                                                            
 5248 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin            



On a date, the young girl will discover                     
Why the fireman is such a great lover;                      
For the Lord only knows,                                    
When he reels out his hose,                                 
How much time it will take to recover.                      
                                                            
 5249 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0434



There was a hairdresser named Pierre                        
Who lavishly dressed a girl's hair.                         
It was styled so romantic                                   
That Pierre became frantic                                  
And he fucked her right there in her chair.                 
                                                            
 5250 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0295



Complained a poor wage slave named Merce,                   
"My job is to chauffeur a hearse;                           
Hauling stiffs is pure shit,                                
And I'm anxious to quit,                                    
But starving to death is much worse."                       
                                                            
 5251 BAWDY - JOBS                   Armand E Singer       845



Said a disgruntled house-painter called Lewin,              
"Whoever invented decorating wants screwing"!               
Said a buxom young nurse,                                   
Who heard the reverse,                                      
"And when they give the medal, I'm queueing!"               
                                                            
 5252 BAWDY - JOBS                   Jim Weaver Collection    



So she thought to herself "What the heck!                   
These guys are a pain in the neck!                          
Why should I give a shit?                                   
I'm not going to quit;                                      
I'll continue stacking my deck!"                            
                                                            
 5253 BAWDY - JOBS                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There were two old icemen named Fleckers                    
Whose cocks when erected were wreckers.                     
They could handle their tongs                               
With the ends of their dongs,                               
And could lift blocks of ice with their peckers.            
                                                            
 5254 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0445



Joe the milkman, has quit on our block                      
And left seventeen housewives in shock.                     
When it came to a lay,                                      
Joe was strictly "Grade A"...                               
Now I guess I'll take care of his flock!                    
                                                            
 5255 BAWDY - JOBS                   Grand Prix Lim  949 G0017



A cocksucking lady named Conne                              
Explained how success could be won:                         
"A profession you pick                                      
Is like sucking a prick;                                    
Just sink in your teeth and hang on."                       
                                                            
 5256 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0803



The new boss at the office, Miss Peak,                      
Gave a talk, but she started to squeak,                     
So she sucked the prick hairy                               
Of her male secretary,                                      
And her whistle she wet, so to speak.                       
                                                            
 5257 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin            



I once had a word with my boss;                             
He told me I'm just a big loss.                             
He said I'm no use,                                         
And should try self-abuse,                                  
"You're no good if you don't give a toss."                  
                                                            
 5258 BAWDY - JOBS                                            



A self-centered foreman named Pitt                          
For leading the work was unfit.                             
He was lacking the vision                                   
For a simple decision;                                      
He could not tell Shinola from Shit!                        
                                                            
 5259 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin            



My new boss sure has lots of guts;                          
Brought slavery, benefit cuts.                              
If it weren't for such class,                               
We would call him an ass,                                   
But he said "No ifs, ands, or butts"                        
                                                            
 5260 BAWDY - JOBS                                            



Oh joy! That snotty headwaiter                              
And that saber-toothed rottweiler maitre                    
De, treat you like turd dip,                                
And still want a fat tip;                                   
Hell! Feed both to a starved alligator!                     
                                                            
 5261 BAWDY - JOBS                                            



When he felt his stenographer's tits                        
She said, "While I'm hot, Mr. Fritts,                       
If you're planning a lay,                                   
I'll want overtime pay,                                     
For that's what our union permits..."                       
                                                            
 5262 BAWDY - JOBS                   Grand Prix Lim  956 G1875



A phalanx of phlegmy old peasants                           
Phantasied philtreing their pheasants.                      
Their emphatic foci,                                        
Their pheathery phalli,                                     
And pheasanty phucking their pleasance!                     
                                                            
 5263 BAWDY - JOBS                                            



A forgetful young plumber named Buell                       
Shuns sex, for he's found as a rule,                        
Blonde, black or red head,                                  
He just gets her in bed                                     
And finds he's forgotten his tool...                        
                                                            
 5264 BAWDY - JOBS                   Grand Prix Lim  907      



When the plumber was fucking Miss Croylett,                 
She was thrilled as he'd twist it and coil it.              
It was not simple luck,                                     
For he'd learned how to fuck                                
By plunging the turds from a toilet.                        
                                                            
 5265 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2865



There was a young girl from South Bend                      
Whose love seemed to be without end.                        
One fine day in summer                                      
She encountered a plumber,                                  
And he plumbed her with his plumber's friend.               
                                                            
 5266 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin            



There was a young man named McGaffick,                      
Who wrote about things pornographic.                        
Many people did call,                                       
And the rug in the hall                                     
Was completely worn out by the traffic.                     
                                                            
 5267 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin            



To his pals, Window Washer Bill Rawls,                      
Hollered, "Peek in the windows at Halls!                    
Hall's new secretary                                        
Has just lost her cherry,                                   
But still managed to answer three calls!"                   
                                                            
 5268 BAWDY - JOBS                   Grand Prix Lim  875      



To novice young typist Miss Presk,                          
The office appeared picturesque.                            
She was struck with dismay                                  
To learn fixtures to stay                                   
Were the ones that were screwed on the desk.                
                                                            
 5269 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0747



A door-to-door salesman named Schilling                     
Said, "I find so damn many babes willing                    
To trot me to bed                                           
That I'm feeling half dead,                                 
But it's SEX and not selling that's killing."               
                                                            
 5270 BAWDY - JOBS                   Grand Prix Lim  744      



Young Mike was a teacher at school                          
And taught girls. If they acted the fool                    
In his class he'd say, "Please,                             
Bend right over my knees,                                   
For a smack with my meter-long rule."                       
                                                            
 5271 BAWDY - JOBS                                            



The excitement engendered caused sighs                      
And a rustle of stocking-clad thighs,                       
As the girls one by one                                     
Misbehaved and had fun                                      
With that meter-long bulge in his flies.                    
                                                            
 5272 BAWDY - JOBS                                            



A practical welder named Forch                              
Was fucking his girl on the porch.                          
Her pussy was tight                                         
But he set it aright                                        
By enlarging her twat with his torch.                       
                                                            
 5273 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2875



A salesman of windows named Kane                            
Seized a girl in the dark with disdain.                     
He proceeded to rape her.                                   
And thought to escape her                                   
But she knew who he was, from the pane.                     
                                                            
 5274 BAWDY - JOBS                   Albin Chaplin            



The reason the binmen ain't grey,                           
Is simple, I really must say.                               
On the back of their cart                                   
They don't give a fart                                      
For others - they're happily gay!                           
                                                            
 5275 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



The thought of these sodomite folk                          
Carting dustbins seems, frankly, a joke.                    
With the trash neatly piled,                                
These guys would go wild                                    
Trying to give all the crap a good poke.                    
                                                            
 5276 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



I'm sitting in my office now,                               
But I just cannot figure how                                
I landed this job;                                          
My life it does rob,                                        
'Cause my manager is a cow.                                 
                                                            
 5277 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES          Lightbulb                



Ain't work just the absolute pits --                        
The Boss should be suffering nits,                          
Some galloping scabies,                                     
With mad doggie rabies,                                     
And a face that is covered with zits.                       
                                                            
 5278 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES          Archie                   



My boss is all over the place,                              
Passion contorting his face;                                
Hands on my rear                                            
Whenever he's near;                                         
Wherever I go, he gives chase.                              
                                                            
 5279 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Hands all over my chest;                                    
(He is particularly partial to breast)                      
He does though alas                                         
Certainly harass;                                           
In fact he's a bloody great pest!                           
                                                            
 5280 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Strange thing, though I really don't mind                   
When he grabs me by the behind;                             
It's a bit of fun                                           
But when he's done,                                         
"You are married" I tactfully remind!                       
                                                            
 5281 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



The butcher who lives in Cologne                            
Has a following all of his own.                             
The ladies, all discreet,                                   
Say his meat is a treat;                                    
What they really enjoy is his bone.                         
                                                            
 5282 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



But this edict he's written in stone                        
In distinct dictatorial tone,                               
This rule is to stop                                        
Crowds of girls in his shop.                                
"Before you can come, you must phone."                      
                                                            
 5283 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



Said his glib second customer, Joan,                        
As she heard his first customer moan,                       
"I'm glad my turn is next.                                  
He's not just oversexed                                     
He's a walking erogenous zone."                             
                                                            
 5284 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



Knock, knock!  "Come on in."  "I'm Louise."                 
"Well sit down. Cup of coffee?"  "Yes please."              
"So you've come for the job                                 
Of P.A?  Call me Bob;                                       
You're the first of my interviewees."                       
                                                            
 5285 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"Some questions; how old are you dear?"                     
"22"  "And what size are you here?"                         
"I'm a 38C.                                                 
Look; I have a degree                                       
Which I gained at the start of the year."                   
                                                            
 5286 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"You have, have you? Good. Up you get;                      
Step this way, turn around; now my pet,                     
Will you please touch your toes."                           
"Well, OK I suppose;                                        
Have we finished this interview yet?"                       
                                                            
 5287 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"Oh no! I've more questions. (Your rear,                    
By the way, is quite scrumptious, my dear.)                 
Now sit down again, miss,                                   
And just answer me this;                                    
Is your underwear silky and sheer?"                         
                                                            
 5288 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"Why yes; and my panties are red.                           
But I'd much rather tell you instead                        
That I know how to type..."                                 
"Oh, forget all that tripe;                                 
Are you single, divorced or just wed?"                      
                                                            
 5289 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"I'm single; but Bob I'm perplexed;                         
I won't answer your questions; I'm vexed."                  
"That's too bad then, my dear;                              
You can't work for me here,                                 
And I bet you're a lesbian. Next!"                          
                                                            
 5290 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Knock, knock!  "Come on in."  "I'm Simone."                 
"Pleased to meet you. Excuse me, the phone.                 
(In the office. Again.                                      
Working overtime. Jane?                                     
Are you there?  Same to you, you old crone.)"               
                                                            
 5291 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"I'm sorry, Simone. Cup of tea?"                            
"Yes, I'd love one."  "Now working for me                   
Requires overnight spells                                   
In some seedy motels;                                       
Understand?"  "Yes, I think so."  "We'll see."              
                                                            
 5292 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"But first a few questions, my dear.                        
Are your tits all your own?"  No. I fear                    
I've had implants."  "I see."                               
"I was 34B                                                  
'Til the middle of April this year."                        
                                                            
 5293 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"OK. Now your underwear; what                               
Do you wear 'neath your skirt?"  "Well i've got             
On the tiniest pair                                         
Of black panties."  "I dare                                 
You to show me."  "OK. Are they hot?"                       
                                                            
 5294 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"My god! Yes they are!  Can I screw                         
You?"  "I'm sorry, you'll have to make do                   
With a peek once a day                                      
'Til we're married."  "No way!                              
Now get out! Send the next in the queue."                   
                                                            
 5295 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Knock, knock!  "Come on in."  "I'm Christine."              
"Well sit down then."  "I'm awfully keen                    
For this job as P.A."                                       
"Call me Robert, OK?                                        
And relax. What's your age?"  "I'm eighteen."               
                                                            
 5296 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"Your tits - are they 38C's?"                               
"Even bigger, dear Robert; they're D's."                    
"And your panties?"  "I wear                                
None; my pussy is bare ...                                  
Would you like me to sit on your knees?"                    
                                                            
 5297 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"Hey wait just a second; it's me                            
Should be calling the shots. Your degree ..."               
"Oh that's dreary old stuff;                                
Put your face in my muff."                                  
"But I (mmmph) Christine (mmmph) I can't see."              
                                                            
 5298 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"Shuddup; while I check out your knob."                     
"No, I beg you; I (mmmph)."  "Poor old Bob.                 
Are your colleagues aware                                   
That you've nothing much there?"                            
"No they (mmmph)."  "So you'll give me the job?"            
                                                            
 5299 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"All right'. Just release me."  "OK."                       
"Now you won't tell my wife 'bout today?                    
Or my colleagues and friends?"                              
"Well I think that depends                                  
On how much you are willing to pay."                        
                                                            
 5300 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Christine, I can tell, is no dummy,                         
Outsmarted old Bob for the money.                           
She might use her pussy,                                    
And maybe her tushy,                                        
But she gets what she wants, honey.                         
                                                            
 5301 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



So you see what some women must do,                         
For a job with pay like you.                                
On their hands and knees,                                   
Often they'll tease,                                        
Or give a seductive view.                                   
                                                            
 5302 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



In her interview Martha told Brandon                        
"My transcription skills aren't outstandin'."               
He said, "Oh, my dear.                                      
I have not been clear--                                     
That's NOT what I meant by 'short handin'!"                 
                                                            
 5303 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



This Brandon employer did say,                              
You see, Martha, it works this way;                         
You come in at seven,                                       
And work till eleven;                                       
Then it's time for my lunch hour lay.                       
                                                            
 5304 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Young Martha did offer her honor;                           
Mr. Brandon did honor her offer;                            
When the clock struck five,                                 
His cock took a dive;                                       
It was then all honor and offer.                            
                                                            
 5305 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



I guess I've had me a yearning                              
To take up the profession of learning.                      
A girl's school at the beach,                               
Is where I'd like to teach.                                 
Just the thought of it has my nuts churning.                
                                                            
 5306 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



This may be a little bit bad of me,                         
But I'd like to teach a riding academy --                   
Teaching young studs to ride,                               
Supine or astride,                                          
(With a minor in human anatomy!)                            
                                                            
 5307 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



How do you get any work done?                               
Your job must be lots of fun.                               
Dreaming all day,                                           
About sexual play;                                          
Can you get me a job there, Hon?                            
                                                            
 5308 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



You really believe I have fun                               
In my job? Let me tell you there's none;                    
Mine's a hard working life                                  
Full of trouble and strife;                                 
I'll explain to you now I've begun.                         
                                                            
 5309 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



For instance; take yesterday. I                             
Woke at daybreak and opened one eye;                        
Took a look at the clock,                                   
Muttered "Fuck it!", with shock                             
And turned over again with a sigh.                          
                                                            
 5310 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



My heart filled with sickening dread                        
As I heaved myself out of the bed                           
Just a tiny bit late                                        
(About quarter to eight)                                    
And had breakfast of coffee and bread.                      
                                                            
 5311 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Reluctantly ambled outside                                  
To the station. (You know that I ride                       
To the city by train;                                       
It's a terrible strain,                                     
But I take it (I hope) in my stride.)                       
                                                            
 5312 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



10:30. At last I was there                                  
Quite exhausted and sat in a chair                          
For a while, then got up                                    
And I made me a cup                                         
Of hot coffee and chatted to Claire.                        
                                                            
 5313 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



(Young Claire's the receptionist who,                       
Though flirtatious, is married to Hugh                      
Whom I've met (and the sod                                  
Don't deserve her, by god).                                 
So I doubt she'd agree to a screw.)                         
                                                            
 5314 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



I wandered and sauntered around                             
Clutching paper and pencil. (I've found                     
This an excellent way                                       
To look busy all day;                                       
But it don't fool them all, I'll be bound.)                 
                                                            
 5315 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



I chatted to Anna who said,                                 
"Fancy lunch and a bottle of red?                           
It's my treat." I said, "Yes";                              
For I have to confess                                       
That I like to be pampered and fed.                         
                                                            
 5316 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Away we went just before lunch                              
Time. "We're off now", we said, "For a munch.               
We'll be back very soon                                     
(Maybe late afternoon)."                                    
"Yeah, we're sure", said the rest of the bunch.             
                                                            
 5317 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



At quarter to three we got back.                            
(Yes, we'd eaten much more than a snack.)                   
We crept in by the door                                     
On the lower ground floor                                   
Thus avoiding her manager, Jack.                            
                                                            
 5318 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



I thought that I'd better not shirk                         
Any more (after all this was work);                         
So I copied a disk                                          
For I'd not want to risk                                    
The boss moaning or going berserk.                          
                                                            
 5319 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



But jeeze! That just fair did my brain                      
In. I needed a break from the strain;                       
So I said to Marie,                                         
"Would you please make some tea",                           
"Oh, fuck off", she took time to explain.                   
                                                            
 5320 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



(Marie? She's a bit of a snob                               
And quite hopeless at doing her job;                        
But I fear she will stay                                    
Here for many a day                                         
'Cause she's sucking her manager's knob.)                   
                                                            
 5321 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



"Champagne!" came a cry from the boss                       
(And for once he looked pleased and not cross).             
"Celebrations all round!                                    
Our accountants have found                                  
That we've made just a minimal loss!"                       
                                                            
 5322 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



We sat around drinking champagne;                           
Telling stories and jokes. (Even Jane,                      
Who is proper and prim,                                     
Gave a flash of her quim                                    
As she ripped off her panties again.)                       
                                                            
 5323 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



Then Sue shouted, "Munchie attack!                          
Let's go out to the diner and snack!"                       
(With her 38D's                                             
She's a helluva tease,                                      
And I hear she's not bad in the sack.)                      
                                                            
 5324 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



I would've and could've, but didn't                         
Make a play for that horny young bint.                      
I'd been slaving since dawn                                 
And was shattered and wan,                                  
(Though my eyes had a gleam and a glint.)                   
                                                            
 5325 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



So off to the restaurant we went                            
(It's the one which we always frequent)                     
Where in party-time mood                                    
We drank wine and ate food,                                 
And the profits (if any) we spent.                          
                                                            
 5326 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



By then I was feeling the strain                            
And came home on the very last train.                       
Now the weekend is here                                     
I shall rest, never fear.                                   
It's too much for my addled old brain.                      
                                                            
 5327 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



By the way; I'll be home all next week                      
Working harder than ever to eke                             
Out a living. I hope                                        
I'll be able to cope,                                       
Though the outlook's exceedingly bleak.                     
                                                            
 5328 BAWDY - JOBS - SERIES                                   



The promotional campaign was a botch;                       
The ad manager under suicide watch.                         
At Abercrombie and Fitch                                    
They screamed: "Son of a bitch!"                            
'Cause the ads read: Aberfimbie and Crotch!                 
                                                            
 5329 BAWDY - JOKES                  John Chastaine           



Forget not your own alter self,                             
Whose inspiration may be from Guelph;                       
With first name Argot,                                      
As in old Fargo,                                            
And full name of Argo Farquharself.                         
                                                            
 5330 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



"I've never yet once metatarsal,                            
I didn't like," said Frederick Parcel.                      
He thought he was funny                                     
And his joke was worth money,                               
But I thought that he was an arsehole!                      
                                                            
 5331 BAWDY - JOKES                  Gearhart                 



I guess that my point was quite moot,                       
Since Fred filled my arse with his boot.                    
Then he told me to laugh                                    
Or my grave's epitaph                                       
Would say that I died a young coot!                         
                                                            
 5332 BAWDY - JOKES                  Brian Belge              



"Grunt", said the pig, "Give me more."                      
"No I won't", said the sow to the boar,                     
"'Cause your pecker's too thin;                             
I can't feel it go in."                                     
Now that boar is disgruntled for sure.                      
                                                            
 5333 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



A lay is as good as a screw,                                
But to gentle folk, this will not do.                       
They must always muddle                                     
"To bang" with "to cuddle",                                 
And "Oh dear" with "Buddy, fuck you!"                       
                                                            
 5334 BAWDY - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Buttmaster has merged with Sunkist.                         
Stockholders appear to be pissed.                           
They have a new name,                                       
I think it's a shame.                                       
The name of the firm is Butt-kist!                          
                                                            
 5335 BAWDY - JOKES                  Al Willis                



Mr. Chambers, introduced to Miss Potts,                     
Said, "In common, I'm sure, we have lots...                 
For we've been under pads,                                  
Both the goods and the bads,                                
From four-posters of kings, down to cots."                  
(chamber-pots, get it?- McW)                                
 5336 BAWDY - JOKES                  Grand Prix Lim  487      



Cook feeds me then loves me all day;                        
Her breasts are so tender, I stay                           
And ask for seconds,                                        
But that all depends                                        
On chickens that she cooked today.                          
                                                            
 5337 BAWDY - JOKES                  Archie                   



So after I've eaten her food,                               
Then she fucks me very good.                                
I don't come in her cunt;                                   
She slides down my front,                                   
And swallows white sauce like she should!                   
                                                            
 5338 BAWDY - JOKES                  Archie                   



Chickens are OK, I suppose,                                 
But I hate it when it has been froze.                       
Sweet fresh red meat,                                       
Not feathered feet,                                         
Then look at the cook, how he grows!                        
                                                            
 5339 BAWDY - JOKES                  Karen                    



Hold the sauce, I like marinade,                            
To soak it and poke it all day.                             
Makes tender, tasty,                                        
Let's not be hasty.                                         
Why would you rush a good lay?                              
                                                            
 5340 BAWDY - JOKES                  Karen                    



Cracker-Jack and Maxwell House,                             
According to lawyer Max Strauss,                            
Have decided to merge.                                      
(Their stock's apt to surge)                                
The name of the firm is Crackhouse.                         
                                                            
 5341 BAWDY - JOKES                  Al Willis                



A stuid young fellow from Nome,                             
Once searched with a fine-toothed comb                      
All over the South                                          
For just the right house...                                 
He wanted a nice Cunt-tree home!                            
                                                            
 5342 BAWDY - JOKES                  Wildman            TP9802



In a contest, a comic named Hurley                          
Told his best jokes a bit prematurely.                      
Though it was a close race,                                 
He was out of first place,                                  
For he missed by a hair that was curly.                     
                                                            
 5343 BAWDY - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin            



The magician had started his spiel.                         
His jokes made us giggle and squeal.                        
Don't remember the line,                                    
But the gist, asinine,                                      
Was "David copped a feel."                                  
                                                            
 5344 BAWDY - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



"Hey, Mom, what's that thing daddy pokes                    
Inside you, then afterwards, smokes?"                       
"Since dad is quite comical,                                
And so economical,                                          
It's one of shortest, cheap jokes!"                         
                                                            
 5345 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



Labor-saving devices are fun;                               
Some say the wife can be one!                               
this is probably true --                                    
As an attachment you screw                                  
On the bed and the housework gets done!                     
                                                            
 5346 BAWDY - JOKES                  FCA                TP9802



At the beach, a big show-off named Rube                     
On each arm held a girl on a tube.                          
A detractor came near                                       
And he said with a sneer,                                   
"Would you look at the dolls on that boob!"                 
                                                            
 5347 BAWDY - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2271



Please help this old world ape,                             
From frustration to escape.                                 
I'm in a real stew,                                         
Don't know what to do.                                      
Tell me -- what in the world is duct tape?                  
                                                            
 5348 BAWDY - JOKES                  Tiddy Ogg                



Tiddy ogg, you cannot escape,                               
The Americanistic duct tape.                                
Whereever we go,                                            
We bring a big roll;                                        
We find that it helps us relate.                            
                                                            
 5349 BAWDY - JOKES                  Karen                    



If a duck you are wanting to screw,                         
Duct tape wil facilitate you.                               
Wrap up the feet                                            
All nice and neat;                                          
It will bite, so wrap the bill too.                         
                                                            
 5350 BAWDY - JOKES                  Karen                    



If you find yourself in outer space,                        
Keep duct tape handy in case.                               
It helped the team                                          
Of Apollo Thirteen;                                         
Got them home to their proper safe place.                   
                                                            
 5351 BAWDY - JOKES                  Karen                    



Can duct tape inspire a good lim?                           
We thought that the chances were slim.                      
But that advice on the duck                                 
That you wanted to fuck,                                    
Makes our outlook on duct tape less grim.                   
                                                            
 5352 BAWDY - JOKES                  TuttaGioia               



Now I am right on the spot;                                 
Duct tape does make me so hot.                              
Be back in a mo',                                           
He's here with a roll                                       
And just another new way to rock.                           
                                                            
 5353 BAWDY - JOKES                  Karen                    



He taped me right to the wall!                              
(He is so terribly tall)                                    
The places he reached...                                    
(I am a pip speak)                                          
Why, I'm brain dead and cannot recall.                      
                                                            
 5354 BAWDY - JOKES                  Karen                    



Two great lies that they say never fail;                    
They make lenders and women turn pale.                      
From dyslexic execs:                                        
"In your mouth are the checks,                              
And I swear I won't come in the mail."                      
                                                            
 5355 BAWDY - JOKES                                      T9707



In a classic old English Garden                             
Stood nude statues, as at Arden.                            
Across the space 'twixt,                                    
On each other fixed,                                        
Gazing eyes like Dolly Varden.                              
                                                            
 5356 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



Man and woman, they watched the gentry                      
Come and go for a long, long century.                       
For their vigilance,                                        
Gods reward with chance:                                    
A short time of moral adventury.                            
                                                            
 5357 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



Thirty minutes in mortal flesh,                             
With which their desires to enmesh,                         
As their hearts desired,                                    
Imaginings fired                                            
By visions of coupling afresh.                              
                                                            
 5358 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



He looked at her with eyes quite bright;                    
She coyly lidded, did feign fright,                         
But said, "Do you want to?"                                 
"Only if you want, too!"                                    
Said he, panting in morning light.                          
                                                            
 5359 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



They disappeared behind the hedge,                          
With giggling, rustling of the sedge,                       
And cries of ecstasy                                        
Fueling fantasy;                                            
Shortly they returned from the edge.                        
                                                            
 5360 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



The two, flushed and quite satisfied,                       
Gods told of 15 minutes beside,                             
For even more fun                                           
Under the burning sun,                                      
If there were things they'd not yet tried.                  
                                                            
 5361 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



She looked with eyes that delight fed;                      
He seemed eager to join and said,                           
"But this time you hold                                     
The pigeon down bold,                                       
While I poop all over his head!"                            
                                                            
 5362 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



To a whore, a young fellow named Clyde                      
Said, "I'll pay if new sex you provide."                    
Her glass eye she took out,                                 
And she said, "Without doubt,                               
Here's a fuck that you never have tried."                   
                                                            
 5363 BAWDY - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0664



He gave her the dough from his pocket,                      
And his prick she slipped in the socket.                    
Before he could blink,                                      
She gave him a wink,                                        
And his pecker went off like a rocket                       
                                                            
 5364 BAWDY - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0665



"My God!" shouted Clyde as he blew,                         
"I must have another such screw!                            
For more cash I must go."                                   
And the harlot said, "So                                    
I'll be keeping an eye out for you."                        
                                                            
 5365 BAWDY - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0666



The Christmas season is here,                               
And us Texans are full of good cheer,                       
Which means we are gay                                      
In the old fashioned way,                                   
And buddy, that doesn't mean QUEER!                         
                                                            
 5366 BAWDY - JOKES                  John Miller              



A flasher showed off his John Doe                           
To three old broads all in a row.                           
The result was no joke --                                   
The first had a stroke!                                     
The other two gals were too slow.                           
                                                            
 5367 BAWDY - JOKES                  Ericka                   



A dear little urchin named Ted                              
Fell asleep in his grandfather's bed.                       
Oh, what could be sweeter?                                  
One hand on his Peter                                       
Pan book and one hand on his head.                          
(I thought Peter Pan was a washbasin in a whorehouse - McW) 
 5368 BAWDY - JOKES                  John Newbern        G2214



"Oh God, I missed you, Elaine"                              
He said, his face full of pain.                             
And as she lay                                              
There on the hay,                                           
He fired his gun again.                                     
                                                            
 5369 BAWDY - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



"Just what you need", Dimwit proclaims.                     
We all need to sharpen our aims.                            
Can you hit this butt                                       
Right in his left nut?                                      
It's one of our regular games.                              
                                                            
 5370 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



Now Doris was known to have class                           
But Horace would often trespass                             
Into rude. Her dad                                          
Quite often got mad                                         
At her and her Horace's ass.                                
                                                            
 5371 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



The Genie said, "What's your desire?"                       
The black man said, "White I require.                       
And make me uptight                                         
And quite out of sight."                                    
And POOF! He's a tampon! Hellfire!                          
                                                            
 5372 BAWDY - JOKES                  Al Willis          TP9807



Said a frustrated loser named Hugh,                         
Simply itching to get him a screw,                          
"You don't want to yoke;                                    
You call me a joke;                                         
Don't fight it, the joke's now on you."                     
                                                            
 5373 BAWDY - JOKES                  Armand E Singer       445



Well, damnit, my proofreading stinks.                       
I wonder if anyone thinks                                   
I am a bit gay?                                             
I just meant to say                                         
"I'm laying here" -- damn finger kinks!                     
                                                            
 5374 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



Peek at ladies ankles, you should,                          
Since at other sites, there one could                       
Find visions, instead,                                      
Where it has been said,                                     
"Looks bad, but feels very good!"                           
                                                            
 5375 BAWDY - JOKES                  Chris Papa               



"I masticate three times a day."                            
Mrs. Malprop entered the fray.                              
She said, "It is sin.                                       
I am filled with chagrin.                                   
You should ask for forgiveness and pray."                   
                                                            
 5376 BAWDY - JOKES                  Al Willis           P9801



Mrs. Malaprop said to her brood                             
During dinner, "You're terribly rude,                       
For your manners are awful;                                 
Don't swallow that jawful                                   
Without masturbating your food."                            
                                                            
 5377 BAWDY - JOKES                  Peter Wilkins            



Mom really meant mastriculations,                           
But sometimes her brains mentralations                      
Became so complituted,                                      
She gamely extruded                                         
The most absurd prepostulations.                            
                                                            
 5378 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



Ms. Suggs, a feminine fox,                                  
Fell in love with a fellow named Cox.                       
After a whirlwind romance,                                  
They were married in France,                                
And she forever became Ms. Suggs-Cox.                       
                                                            
 5379 BAWDY - JOKES                  Minders            TP9802



Said a lovely young fluff, "I've a muff,                    
That can hold your whole hand to the cuff.                  
And it hangs round my neck.                                 
What did you expect?                                        
You don't have to leave in a huff."                         
                                                            
 5380 BAWDY - JOKES                  Pierce Evans             



There once was a fellow called Willy,                       
Who said, "It's ever so silly.                              
I feel such a prat,                                         
Being named after that;                                     
My name really should have been Dick."                      
                                                            
 5381 BAWDY - JOKES                  The Weaver Collection    



A little old man from Khartoum                              
Was miserably sunken in gloom.                              
Could not hold a dance --                                   
Small house and small pants --                              
Alas, poor man had no ballroom.                             
                                                            
 5382 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



When my girl friend is dressed in her bonnet,               
She is striking and sweet as a sonnet.                      
And a thing she's concealing                                
Which arouses my feeling,                                   
But my finger I cannot put on it.                           
                                                            
 5383 BAWDY - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0051



An excaped insane inmate from Holts                         
Mistreated charladies named Colts.                          
The next morning's headline                                 
Met the short deadline,                                     
Saying, "Nut, Screws Washers and Bolts!"                    
                                                            
 5384 BAWDY - JOKES                  John Cahill              



Though they wanted four children, Louise,                   
Told her husband, "Let's quit at three, please.             
'Cause I heard someone say                                  
On the TV today,                                            
'One in every four born is Chinese'!"                       
                                                            
 5385 BAWDY - JOKES                  Observer                 



A little man named Wilberforce                              
Rode up to the porch on his horse.                          
He said, "I'm the best                                      
Screw-er in the West,"                                      
Then pulled out his Phillips, of course.                    
                                                            
 5386 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



He's been known to practice great guile,                    
Though we've not heard from him in a while.                 
So nosy Parkers                                             
And other Farquhars,                                        
Probably think him still in Argyle.                         
                                                            
 5387 BAWDY - JOKES                  Daniel ford              



He applied for it; no hesitation.                           
He thought he had found his vocation.                       
He read the ad fast;                                        
His ideal at last;                                          
He thought it said "pubic relation."                        
                                                            
 5388 BAWDY - JOKES                  Al Willis           T9707



A chap who enjoyed hearing lies,                            
Dated women at least twice his size.                        
"When we are out neckin',                                   
It's sexy, I reckon,                                        
When she pulls the wool over my eyes."                      
                                                            
 5389 BAWDY - JOKES                  Tom Simon                



When I was just a lad of three,                             
I ask my mother what would I be.                            
Will I be handsome?                                         
Will I be rich?                                             
She fucking lied to me.                                     
                                                            
 5390 BAWDY - JOKES                  Bob                      



Requested a lecher named Biddle,                            
"My friends, let me ask you a riddle:                       
Who is thatched on the top,                                 
Half as old as her pop,                                     
And sports a big hole in her middle?"                       
                                                            
 5391 BAWDY - JOKES                  Armand E Singer       980



A low-minded woman named Buffy                              
Loves asking this riddle, no toughie:                       
What starts soft, becomes hard                              
As a pottery shard,                                         
But ends up all flaccid and puffy?                          
                                                            
 5392 BAWDY - JOKES                  Armand E Singer       975



Since roses have thorns that can nick,                      
Young ladies sometimes get a prick.                         
Despite this, to marry,                                     
They have to thank Harry                                    
And Tom (for the roses) and Dick.                           
                                                            
 5393 BAWDY - JOKES                  Irving Superior     P9803



Sal Amander's a very nice fella.                            
His parents are Johnny and Stella.                          
Years ago, Dad proposed,                                    
And the bedroom door closed.                                
And now he is called Sal Monella.                           
                                                            
 5394 BAWDY - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was once an old bawd from Cape Cod,                   
Who, when tourists would ask, "Have you scrod?",            
Would reply, "Goddamn right!                                
Up to ten every night!"                                     
There's a gutsy, pluperfect old broad.                      
                                                            
 5395 BAWDY - JOKES                  Keith MacMillan     A061B



Mrs. Malaprop, always placating,                            
For this sometimes was deemed, "Fascinating."               
Asked to comment, she blushed.                              
Her sweet face became flushed.                              
She confessed, "Yes, I'm self defecating."                  
                                                            
 5396 BAWDY - JOKES                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
In the Navy they're issued for free!                        
An Army draft board                                         
Sent my brother abroad.                                     
I wish they would send one to me!                           
                                                            
 5397 BAWDY - JOKES                  Moony              TP9802



I gnawed on a corncob in moon-                              
light (I had neither knife, fork or spoon).                 
My teeth glistened white;                                   
Such a frightening sight;                                   
Quite enough to have shocked a raccoon.                     
                                                            
 5398 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



In the light of the silvery moon                            
Under starlight one summer in June                          
On a riverside bank                                         
Annie gave me a wank                                        
But it sure as hell shocked a raccoon.                      
                                                            
 5399 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



For years now old Timothy Loon                              
Had worn panties of green and maroon.                       
They rotted away                                            
On a fine summer day                                        
And the goo in them shocked a raccoon.                      
                                                            
 5400 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



I lay with my lover Miss June                               
In the heat of the day around noon.                         
She couldn't keep her hand                                  
Off my burgeoning gland                                     
And I jizmed and shocked a raccoon.                         
                                                            
 5401 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



I crept up behind it at noon;                               
In my hand was a massive balloon                            
I puffed and I blew                                         
'Til enormous it grew;                                      
Then I burst it and shocked a raccoon.                      
                                                            
 5402 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



I went for a ramble with June                               
Who said, "Lover, I need to pee soon."                      
She lifted her skirt                                        
And her ultimate spurt                                      
Nearly drowned us and shocked a raccoon.                    
                                                            
 5403 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



In a hotel room that I had once booked,                     
I asked of the Frenchman I'd hooked,                        
"Do you smoke after sex?"                                   
He said, donning his specs,                                 
"I'm not sure, I have never looked."                        
                                                            
 5404 BAWDY - JOKES                  Kitten                   



Sally May nearly got me in Dutch                            
From her habit of smoking too much,                         
Till I lessened my stroke,                                  
To cut down on the smoke,                                   
While still keeping her warm to the touch.                  
                                                            
 5405 BAWDY - JOKES                  John Miller              



To her daughter, a lady named Bursa                         
Said, "Risks with young men are now worser.                 
When a boy friend you meet,                                 
Don't get in the back seat--                                
Don't let boys snatch a kiss and vice versa."               
                                                            
 5406 BAWDY - JOKES                  Phil Cannibal       P9602



Mrs. Malaprop cool and serene,                              
Gave a dinner, invited fourteen.                            
Then with twinkling eye                                     
She said, (I hope to die)                                   
"You may start, Boggs, with the soup latrine."              
                                                            
 5407 BAWDY - JOKES                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



Sixty-nine: you have waited to hear it,                     
But the censors, they say, cannot clear it.                 
So I'll work on a fix                                       
Using seventy-six,                                          
A number, they say, with more Spirit.                       
                                                            
 5408 BAWDY - JOKES                  John Miller 0069         



A traveling salesman named Cox,                             
Got engaged at one of his stops,                            
To a widow named Kidd,                                      
Who then flipped her lid,                                   
When she saw there were three little cocks.                 
                                                            
 5409 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



"Tits like coconuts!" he said.                              
She overheard - her face turned red.                        
"Let me explain;                                            
Come to the pane,                                           
See, sparrows prefer bread."                                
                                                            
 5410 BAWDY - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Ok, I'm just pulling your chain;                            
Knew what you meant, just the same.                         
Just rocking your boat;                                     
Did I get your goat?                                        
Maybe my joke was too lame.                                 
                                                            
 5411 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



Though now my mind's a bit foggy,                           
When I was knee-high to a froggy,                           
It was so dry,                                              
This is no lie,                                             
That the trees followed the doggie.                         
                                                            
 5412 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



A graduate student named Darryl                             
Was humping his friend in a carrel;                         
Moaned the latter in heat,                                  
"Man, you sure win the meet,                                
But Tuesday's your turn in the barrel" --                   
                                                            
 5413 BAWDY - JOKES                  Armand E Singer   intro B



To this bashful young maid from Virginia,                   
His machismo displayed its insignia,                        
And he said, "Be a sport;                                   
Though it's Virgin for short,                               
Sure it won't be for long, once I'm inia!"                  
                                                            
 5414 BAWDY - JOKES                  Hugh Oliver         A118A



I hate those virtual pets;                                  
Act like mommy, daddy, and vets?                            
Those things really suck;                                   
Can't make 'em fuck!                                        
Oh, how annoying it gets!                                   
                                                            
 5415 BAWDY - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Why do women have legs?  Well alas,                         
The reason is mundane and crass.                            
When you're misbehaving,                                    
'Sted of ranting and raving,                                
She can kick you right in the ass!                          
                                                            
 5416 BAWDY - JOKES                                           



Kasimoto had won the election,                              
But his speech had a slight imperfection.                   
His English was poor,                                       
And I must underscore                                       
That he called the event an erection.                       
                                                            
 5417 BAWDY - JOKES                  Al Willis           T9707



At sunup the early worm stirred,                            
Since a romp in the dew he preferred.                       
On arising so early,                                        
He was razzed by friends surly,                             
Thus the early worm getteth the bird.                       
                                                            
 5418 BAWDY - JOKES                  Al Chaplin          P9608



Don't bother with panties, dear Sue,                        
The orifice party is due;                                   
I hear that the guys                                        
Have picked you as the prize                                
And you'd better be ready to screw.                         
                                                            
 5419 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



But honey, I wear pants to the ball.                        
So later, that's after my fall,                             
I can check that the wood                                   
Was really that good,                                       
By throwing them up at the wall.                            
                                                            
 5420 BAWDY - PARTIES                Archie                   



These are officially rated triple X;                        
Intended to be offensive to either sex.                     
And maybe some I've seen                                    
Who seem to be in-between;                                  
Apologies to them what objects.                             
                                                            
 5421 BAWDY - PARTIES                Marlene Lewis            



All the guests at the animal fair                           
Had to dress up before they went there.                     
My friend Billy Brian                                       
Dressed up like a lion,                                     
But I went in the nude, as a bear.                          
(Lederer & Ertner?)                                         
 5422 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Not me, though, I'm going away;                             
I'll miss that unseemly affray.                             
But shhh! I shall smirk                                     
On and off as I work,                                       
For I've screwed her already!  Wahey!                       
                                                            
 5423 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Where am I? What happened last night?                       
I recall with a certain delight                             
That she sat in my car                                      
And unfastened her bra-                                     
Strap, then BOING! I was out like a light.                  
                                                            
 5424 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



I hoped I could ring in the year                            
With a bang but my partner I fear                           
Was humungously large                                       
With a chest like a barge                                   
And ... hey wait; I remember it clear.                      
                                                            
 5425 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



That party; the girls half undressed                        
And the wager us guys had in jest;                          
But I fear that I lost                                      
When the pennies were tossed;                               
Got the booby prize! Damn, I'm depressed.                   
                                                            
 5426 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Old Bert was employed by Louise                             
As the Master of Ceremonies                                 
At her coming-out bash,                                     
For he had the panache                                      
Despite dodgy arthritic old knees.                          
                                                            
 5427 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



Now ladies and gentlemen pray                               
Be upstanding for...(Who did you say?)                      
Lady Marigold Dumbly                                        
(Beg pardon?  Oh.) Cholmondley                              
And General Sir Fortescue-Grey.                             
                                                            
 5428 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



It's Mr and Mrs Ah Ling                                     
And their daughter, the lovely Mai Ding.                    
(Are you sure?)  "We don't know;                            
He's decided to grow                                        
Little titties and cut off his thing."                      
                                                            
 5429 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



Pray silence for President...Hush!                          
I said SILENCE for...(No need to rush                       
Sir:  now give me that gun,                                 
Else they'll panic and run,                                 
And my knees'll give way in the crush.                      
                                                            
 5430 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



The orchestra!  Give them a hand!                           
(Over there, sir.  I hope he can stand;                     
He looks awfully grey                                       
Does Yehudi today,                                          
But I'm told he's the best in the land.)                    
                                                            
 5431 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



Now ladies and gentlemen -- Quiet!                          
Here's Lady Amelia Hyatt                                    
With husband Sir Bob.                                       
(Whisper -- 20 inch knob?                                   
Well be careful you don't start a riot.)                    
                                                            
 5432 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



Pray silence for cuntess O'Tite.                            
"You mean Countess, you snivelling shite."                  
(Dearie me!)  "Are you pissed?"                             
(No, but look at this list...                               
It says cunt, less I'm losing my sight.)                    
                                                            
 5433 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



My lords, ladies, gentlemen, please,                        
Will you welcome the lovely Louise.                         
"I've just been to piss,                                    
You great lummox!  Take this!                               
And take that and..."  (Oh Jesus, my knees!)                
                                                            
 5434 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



A welcome for Brigadier Tool                                
And his daughter Alikis.  "Fool;                            
I should shoot you on sight:                                
It's Alicia, right?"                                        
(Well you don't have to shout;  Keep your cool.)            
                                                            
 5435 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



Now ladies and gents..., (Bloody Hell:                      
What the fuck are you wearing, Michelle?                    
Didn't I tell you, you oughta                               
Dress smartly, dear daughter.                               
Not tartly, like Eskimo Nell?)                              
                                                            
 5436 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



Pray silence (good heavens!) for Brenda!                    
The Queen of all England.  Defender                         
Of...<bow and touch forelock>                               
"Not here, stupid warlock."                                 
(So sorry; didn't mean to offend her.)                      
                                                            
 5437 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



My lords, ladies, gentlemen; stand                          
To attention and strike up the band                         
For the National...(What?                                   
You don't know it?  You twat!                               
Get Yehudi to give you a hand.                              
                                                            
 5438 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



A toast of champagne, if you please,                        
To her Maj and the lovely Louise                            
At her coming out ball.                                     
Now go stand by that wall                                   
For a photograph; smile and say cheese!                     
                                                            
 5439 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



Your majesty, ladies and <BONG>                             
Lords and gentlemen; dinner e're long.                      
Hurry up <BONG> and please                                  
<BONG>...(What's that, dear Louise?)                        
"Oh for fuck's sake, stop banging that gong!"               
                                                            
 5440 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



The reason for banging this gong                            
Is dinner is served, you great nong.                        
So now stop your perving,                                   
And have a good serving --                                  
(For God's sake don't play with your dong!)                 
                                                            
 5441 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Idea from the mayor, Harry Blunkett:                        
An emergency services junket.                               
Invite all the crews                                        
And ply them with booze...                                  
But what happened when they had drunk it?                   
                                                            
 5442 BAWDY - PARTIES                Tiddy Ogg                



The fight's on the paper's front page:                      
The firemen, smoldering with rage;                          
The ambulance guys                                          
All hospitalised;                                           
The cops have been locked in the cage.                      
                                                            
 5443 BAWDY - PARTIES                Tiddy Ogg                



At fancy dress party: Sue Crouch,                           
In a kangaroo costume on couch.                             
Said I, rather boozy,                                       
"How 'bout it then, Susie?                                  
My joey'd fit fine in your pouch."                          
                                                            
 5444 BAWDY - PARTIES                Tiddy Ogg                



To a pirate themed party went Sue,                          
And after downing plenty of brew,                           
Lassie, I said to her,                                      
You'd best give up y'er                                     
Booty or I'll invade your canoe.                            
                                                            
 5445 BAWDY - PARTIES                I R Canuck               



She came to this party as Bess;                             
Got drunk, then threw up; what a mess!                      
Her escort (cold sober)                                     
Declined to disrobe her,                                    
Which left the poor girl in dis dress.                      
                                                            
 5446 BAWDY - PARTIES                Sem                      



There was a young man named Paul                            
Who went to a big costume ball.                             
He thought he would risk it                                 
And go as a biscuit,                                        
But a dog ate him up in the hall.                           
                                                            
 5447 BAWDY - PARTIES                Anon                     



New Year's Eve is here!  Are you hearty...?                 
You're invited to my New Years Party!                       
It's a fifteen day cruise,                                  
With free sex, food, and booze!                             
But the boat left yesterday...Smartie!                      
                                                            
 5448 BAWDY - PARTIES                Jim Weaver Collection    



What excellent playmates you are!                           
The best Hollyhockers by far,                               
You match every thrust                                      
With unbridled lust,                                        
And suggestions both strange and bizarre.                   
                                                            
 5449 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



There was a young woman named Hunt,                         
At a costume ball dressed as a cunt.                        
She teamed up with Nick,                                    
Who had come as a dick,                                     
To perform an xxxceptional stunt!                           
                                                            
 5450 BAWDY - PARTIES                Lims For Year - 01       



There once was a girl who had balls,                        
Which she held in marvelous halls.                          
She told all the boys                                       
To take out their toys,                                     
To have a ball with their balls at the balls in the halls.  
                                                            
 5451 BAWDY - PARTIES                Peter Wilkins            



A riddle: Would you know, perchance,                        
Why rodents in Marseilles (In France)                       
And all of their thralls                                    
Have minuscule balls?                                       
So few of them know how to dance.                           
                                                            
 5452 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



The girl who had balls was divine,                          
Whether upright or lying supine.                            
But it wasn't her formal                                    
That made her hormonal --                                   
The balls she was holding were mine!                        
                                                            
 5453 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



In order to end this charade,                               
Some 'get-to-know-you' plans I've made;                     
We'll meet face-to-face                                     
In some unknown place;                                      
The dress code will be 'masquerade'.                        
                                                            
 5454 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



A grand party, a real whoppty do,                           
With lots of great food and good brew,                      
To end the old year                                         
On a note of cheer.                                         
The place was filled with a good crew.                      
                                                            
 5455 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



So tall dark and handsome was he,                           
Surveying the buffet with glee.                             
He turned with a purr                                       
As he said with a slur:                                     
"Don't eat too much!  Save room for me!"                    
                                                            
 5456 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Beach parties are lovely and grand,                         
When you eat all your food from your hand.                  
There's only one flaw                                       
(But you'll still eat more)                                 
That's everything's covered in sand.                        
                                                            
 5457 BAWDY - PARTIES                Arthur Pattaffy          



A young city yuppy named Saul,  (redundant - McW)           
Thought life meant him "having a ball".                     
Partying until dawn,                                        
He woke up in the morn,                                     
Remembering nothing at all.                                 
                                                            
 5458 BAWDY - PARTIES                Arthur Pattaffy          



I wondered what was all that noise;                         
Just thought it was boys with their toys.                   
But when I looked out                                       
To see what was about,                                      
There stood Travis in perfect poise.                        
                                                            
 5459 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



I had time to whip out my Canon,                            
And snap a cute picture of Shannon                          
Caught deep in the act,                                     
About to retract,                                           
And then I got smell of some salmon.                        
                                                            
 5460 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Smells like fish, tastes like chicken, they say.            
How I wish I was lickin' today,                             
Some hot cunt on a platter;                                 
That I want, in some batter.                                
This dish will sure quicken my lay.                         
                                                            
 5461 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



I ain't no cowboy, now its true;                            
They call me Little Billy Boy Blue.                         
Bo Peep lost her sheep;                                     
Was in tears knee deep,                                     
When I told her I spotted a few.                            
                                                            
 5462 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Now over the fence they were jumpin'                        
Towards Travis's Annual Sheep Humpin'.                      
I tried pullin him loose                                    
But then spotted a goose,                                   
So I left him, and then started pumpin'.                    
                                                            
 5463 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



If she finds out about my affair,                           
She won't let me come in her hair.                          
There goes that fantasy                                     
All 'cause of leprosy;                                      
I forgot -- got no cock over there!                         
                                                            
 5464 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Miss Gray was a stuffy old maid,                            
Who drank too much punch, I'm afraid.                       
She jumped on the table,                                    
Yelled "Where's the man able                                
To show me, it's fun to get laid?"                          
                                                            
 5465 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



Now Randolf, the office's monk,                             
When drunk thought he was quite the hunk.                   
He grabbed old Miss Gray                                    
And proceeded to lay                                        
By opening her with his trunk.                              
                                                            
 5466 BAWDY - PARTIES                Arden                    



And then old Peter Lanier,                                  
The limp-wristed old office queer,                          
Paid Randolph in kind                                       
Then he snuck up behind                                     
And buggered him in the rear.                               
                                                            
 5467 BAWDY - PARTIES                MrMalo                   



Miss Gray saw him and fell over;                            
The chance was not missed by old Grover.                    
He took her supine,                                         
You can guess his last line:                                
"Life's not over till you are clover!"                      
                                                            
 5468 BAWDY - PARTIES                Annie Jay                



And poor Joe, another office flunky,                        
Also got just a little too drunky.                          
But was too shy to jump in                                  
While they were all pumpin',                                
He just watched while spankin' his monkey.                  
                                                            
 5469 BAWDY - PARTIES                Kaylin                   



The Big Boss attended the party,                            
Got buzzed and felt himself hearty.                         
"If I don't get laid,                                       
No one will get paid,                                       
Or else my name isn't McCarty.                              
                                                            
 5470 BAWDY - PARTIES                Frank Fazed              



They wondered just who'd save the day.                      
We know know 'twas stuffy Miss Gray,                        
Who saw this as ther chance,                                
Gave him a lap dance,                                       
While the rest of us cheered with "Hooray!"                 
                                                            
 5471 BAWDY - PARTIES                Frank Fazed              



The Boss, by now quite bleary-eyed,                         
Asked Miss Gray, "Just where do you hide?                   
You sweet looking thing.                                    
C'mon, have a fling."                                       
She boffed him; the old bastard died.                       
                                                            
 5472 BAWDY - PARTIES                Frank Fazed              



Miss Gray wasn't feeling much pain,                         
As they continued with their daisy-chain.                   
She had one more drink,                                     
And slipped over the brink,                                 
Yelling, "Come on, let's do it again!"                      
                                                            
 5473 BAWDY - PARTIES                Malecar                  



The accountant, one Mr. Kincaid,                            
Was the only one not getting laid.                          
He grumbled, "What jerks!                                   
When they next come to work,                                
If they think anyone's getting paid!"                       
                                                            
 5474 BAWDY - PARTIES                Arden                    



Now the revelers have all arose,                            
Untangled from head to their toes,                          
And nothing's so sweet                                      
As a Miss Gray in heat;                                     
A virgin no more, heaven knows.                             
                                                            
 5475 BAWDY - PARTIES                Arden                    



'Twas destined, this bash, to bequeath                      
Joys uncommonly linked with a wreath.                       
Now Anna and Nellie                                         
Have more in their belly,                                   
Than ever went in past their teeth.                         
                                                            
 5476 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



If it would have gone in past their teeth                   
'Twould have save Ann and Nellie some grief.                
Instead they have found                                     
Their bellies so round                                      
And troubles beyond all belief!                             
                                                            
 5477 BAWDY - PARTIES                Robyn                    



A party, now that would be great.                           
Yes, a barbecue party at eight;                             
For it's time to have fun                                   
In the Midsummer sun;                                       
Bring a bottle or two and a mate.                           
                                                            
 5478 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



But Sandy's not welcome I fear;                             
She has bosoms from here (*)    out to here    (*).         
They're so firm and unyielding,                             
She'll knock down the building                              
I live in; she did it last year.                            
                                                            
 5479 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



Remember? She squeezed through the door,                    
Knocking plaster and bricks to the floor;                   
Swung her tits at the wall                                  
Between kitchen and hall,                                   
And the whole fucking place was no more.                    
                                                            
 5480 BAWDY - PARTIES                                         



When people engage in acts amorous,                         
Hollywood thinks that it's glamorous.                       
When couples get nude                                       
And start to act lewd,                                      
They get out their video cameras.                           
                                                            
 5481 BAWDY - PARTIES                Popsicle           TP9806



The hostess was in a good mood;                             
If she hadn't been, she'd have been rude.                   
One movie star guest                                        
Looked only half dressed,                                   
And the hostess not really a prude!                         
                                                            
 5482 BAWDY - PARTIES                Arthur Pattaffy          



I was Santa at Corporate behest;                            
Held kids in my lap while so dressed.                       
There my bosses wee daughter                                
Lost control of her water,                                  
Which left me a wee bit distressed!                         
                                                            
 5483 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



Things started out really quite slow,                       
But the rum in the punch caused a glow.                     
Administrative Assistants                                   
Soon lost all resistance.                                   
Thank goodness for fresh mistletoe!                         
                                                            
 5484 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



Miss Davies was there, dressed in wool                      
And we really got going, no bull!                           
In a closet we might                                        
Just have slipped out of sight,                             
But the damn thing was already full!                        
                                                            
 5485 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



Any chance for promotion is sunk.                           
My boss and his wife both got drunk.                        
I deflected passes                                          
From both pompous asses,                                    
While both declared I was a "Hunk!"                         
                                                            
 5486 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



Tom Smith found some way of detaining                       
Anne White up in Customer Training;                         
Bumped the intercom switch                                  
While seducing her, which                                   
The rest of us found entertaining.                          
                                                            
 5487 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



Though a master of banquet oration,                         
To our CEO's humiliation,                                   
What drew every eye                                         
Was his wide open fly,                                      
And that got him a standing ovation.                        
                                                            
 5488 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



By himself sat computer nerd Hector                         
Until Mary, the Software Director                           
Did a hardware inspection                                   
That caused an erection                                     
And he came in his pocket protector.                        
                                                            
 5489 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



The Department of Q.C. Assurance                            
Was the one with the greatest endurance.                    
Their average score                                         
Was seven or more,                                          
Plus perversions as extra insurance.                        
                                                            
 5490 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



I assure you that I am no wimp,                             
But my dick in my plans put a crimp                         
To lay Dawn at dawn;                                        
She stifled a yawn,                                         
As she whispered that I was too limp.                       
                                                            
 5491 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



We partied till tired to the bone;                          
Too quickly the hours they had flown.                       
The thing finally broke up                                  
But half of us woke up                                      
In beds not our own, nor alone.                             
                                                            
 5492 BAWDY - PARTIES                John Miller              



Although "Jim" is, as always, quite limp,                   
And well-known as a dull boring wimp,                       
He will not be nervous                                      
When he is of service                                       
To sweet "Charlotte, the Harlot," as pimp.                  
                                                            
 5493 BAWDY - SONGS                  Ward Hardman             



Wanna screw with Big Lou, way out West;                     
That there wild thing loves shaggin' the best;              
Men she humps, like for keeps;                              
Leaves 'em drained in dead heaps;                           
With a man-eating quim she is blessed!                      
                                                            
 5494 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Folks all know, quite a few miles aroun',                   
No two hombres could hold Big Lou down;                     
'Til one day, Piss Pot Pete,                                
Showed his ass on Main Street;                              
'Twas for wild cunt he'd ridden to town.                    
                                                            
 5495 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Tied his horse at The Old Popskull's door;                  
For a drink to get hot for his whore;                       
He unbuttoned his fly,                                      
Hung his pud out to dry;                                    
How it dripped on the sawdusted floor.                      
                                                            
 5496 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Other patrons, aghast, made strange sounds;                 
Man, his tool must have weighed sixteen pounds!             
There he stood, big and mean,                               
Drenched with sweat, not too clean;                         
Yelled: "Old Lou, come let's do it like hounds!"            
                                                            
 5497 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Then she came down the stairs, saw this lout:               
Muscle, gristle and monster-sized spout;                    
Way down, deep in her snatch,                               
Knew she'd sure met her match,                              
But 'twas too late to be backing out!                       
                                                            
 5498 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Lou said: "Not in my room; that's for sure;                 
When we thrash, we might smash furniture;                   
Tell you what: the town square,                             
Has 'nuff room, I declare;                                  
Let's see just how much you can endure!"                    
                                                            
 5499 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



There were gawkers to watch this coition;                   
Placing bets: who'd fall first in submission?               
Tykes and women went home;                                  
Vendors poured beer with foam;                              
And the Mayor was charging admission.                       
                                                            
 5500 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Big Lou's thighs and her groin barely hid                   
A wet box that sure looked like a squid!                    
Piss Pot Pete jammed it in,                                 
Sixteen pounds, in her quim,                                
As he pushed Big Lou down with the lid.                     
                                                            
 5501 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



How they tangled and thrashed, like for hours!              
Tore up trees, many shrubs, all the flowers.                
Big Lou grunted and groaned,                                
Being thoroughly boned,                                     
While the crowd was impressed by their powers.              
                                                            
 5502 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Piss Pot Pete was no nancy-boy slouch,                      
He at last made Big Lou yodel "Ouch!"                       
For his tool of destruction                                 
Broke down her twat's suction;                              
She knew he had mastered her pouch.                         
                                                            
 5503 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Big Lou's eyes rolled up, showed just white;                
As she sighed and passed out with delight;                  
Piss Pot Pete had, by crackee,                              
Been chawin' terbaccy;                                      
He drooled while he spooged; what a sight!                  
                                                            
 5504 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



As he rose up, the crowd was struck dumb;                   
They had thought, for the day, he had come.                 
But he once again stroked it;                               
Then said as he choked it:                                  
"I sure hate these grass-stains, by gum!"                   
                                                            
 5505 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



There once was an indian maid,                              
Who declared she was not afraid,                            
To lie on her back                                          
In a tar paper shack,                                       
For the purpose of just getting laid.                       
                                                            
 5506 BAWDY - SONGS                  Anon                     



A fair made lived in San Berdoo;                            
Sweet sixteen, and quit pretty too;                         
Now one day, as I'll tell,                                  
She got restless as hell,                                   
With an itch in her ringadangdoo.                           
                                                            
 5507 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Well ringadangdoo, what is that?                            
Glad you asked, boys; just think of a cat;                  
Soft and furry?  You bet!                                   
And our maid loved to pet!                                  
With a split built for catchin' the bat!                    
                                                            
 5508 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Now she took me, one day, to her cellar;                    
She declared that I'm one damn fine feller;                 
Fed me wine, whiskey too;                                   
Showed her ringadangdoo;                                    
Said, "Come on, it's no time to be yeller."                 
                                                            
 5509 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



It was almost to good to be true;                           
It was heaven, but when we were through,                    
We heard screams all about,                                 
When her mama found out,                                    
That I'd ravaged her ringadangdoo.                          
                                                            
 5510 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Said her Mama, "You're now in the stew;                     
'Cause your maidenhead's shot through and through;          
You've been ruined, it's true;                              
Just one thing left to do:                                  
You must market your ringadangdoo."                         
                                                            
 5511 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



So she hung a sign up on her door:                          
"Come on in; I am one fine whore."                          
Young men came, old ones too.                               
Boys, her place was a zoo;                                  
On her ringadangdoo they did score.                         
                                                            
 5512 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Never fussy about who she'd screw,                          
She did deal with a scrofulus crew;                         
While with pleasure she sang,                               
This unsavory gang                                          
Left a ring 'round her ringadangdoo.                        
                                                            
 5513 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Then one night came a real sumbitch;                        
Had the clap and the seven year itch,                       
Plus the syph and strange ticks,                            
All combined; the whole mix                                 
Made her ringadang do black as pitch.                       
                                                            
 5514 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



Well, she's gone, lads, our maid is no more;                
We still praise San Berdoo's finest whore;                  
City Hall's where each tit                                  
On the wall, now does sit.                                  
Plus her ringadangdoo's on the door!                        
                                                            
 5515 BAWDY - SONGS                  Allen Wolverton          



The Cap'n of the old Missin-Tail                            
Was heard to lament and wail:                               
His first mate had a choker,                                
And no woman to poke her;                                   
He'd got caught bending over the rail.                      
                                                            
 5516 BAWDY - SONGS                                           



He stopped his uninvited guest                              
From completing his perverted quest,                        
By drawing his knife,                                       
And threatning his life;                                    
Then said, "Let's have a little contest."                   
                                                            
 5517 BAWDY - SONGS                                           



"Mate, ye've been out to sea way too long.                  
Since ye've tried to poke me with yer dong,                 
Turn the ship to the west.                                  
We'll have a liars contest,                                 
If ye win, I'll let ye keep yer prong."                     
                                                            
 5518 BAWDY - SONGS                                           



"Oh Cap'n, mine is big as the air,                          
Ships sail in and out, never tickle a hair.                 
If you can top that,                                        
Then I'll eat me hat,                                       
So give it your best shot, if you dare."                    
                                                            
 5519 BAWDY - SONGS                                           



So, the last old spinster said: "See,                       
Lookee here!  Mine's as big as the sea;                     
Any ship can drop anchor,                                   
A liner or tanker;                                          
I'll tell you they can't bother me!"                        
                                                            
 5520 BAWDY - SONGS                                           



Then the second old maid did declare;                       
"And so what?  Mine's as big as the air;                    
The whole air force can roar                                
In, and not touch a sore;                                   
And they ne'er even ruffle a hair!"                         
                                                            
 5521 BAWDY - SONGS                                           



There was a strange song, writ of old,                      
That lists what one tart cunt can hold.                     
There's battleships, dukws,                                 
Tanks, field guns and trucks,                               
And Wellington bombers, we're told.                         
                                                            
 5522 BAWDY - SONGS                  Tiddy Ogg                



Oh no! Oh disaster! Oh woe!                                 
I've been ordered this Sunday to go                         
(In a tone unforgiving)                                     
To work for a living,                                       
Away from the city I know.                                  
                                                            
 5523 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



Up North where the rain always falls,                       
And the chill causes gentlemens' balls                      
To drop off in the gutters                                  
And shrivel their putters,                                  
While battling the hurricane squalls.                       
                                                            
 5524 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



Not one day, nor three days, but five;                      
And today is the day I arrive,                              
So I'll sprinkle my willy                                   
And jockstrap with chilli;                                  
The heat might keep percy alive.                            
                                                            
 5525 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



On second thought (tears in my eyes)                        
I've decided that's not very wise.                          
So I'll bring a small heater                                
To wrap round my peter,                                     
And warm up my bollocks and thighs.                         
                                                            
 5526 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



Just tried it; the heat is intense,                         
And the bulge in my jock is immense;                        
But however excitin'                                        
I'd not want to frighten                                    
Old ladies and cause an offence.                            
                                                            
 5527 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



But maybe some furry-lined panties;                         
So girls, if you've got some nice scanties                  
Which thus are so lined,                                    
I'd be grateful (but mind                                   
You don't send me those bloomers of aunties).               
                                                            
 5528 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



Ah dammit! You can't e-mail pants,                          
So it seems that I've now lost my chance.                   
Should have asked you last Sunday                           
To mail them on Monday,                                     
To heat up my tackle and lance.                             
                                                            
 5529 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



So maybe to keep myself warm,                               
I'll wear three or four of my form-                         
Fitting jocks and keep Percy                                
Alive from the merci-                                       
Less sleet and the hurricane storm.                         
                                                            
 5530 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



0 think my hotel is a doss-                                 
house; it's all that my stingy old boss                     
Will allow me to stay                                       
In while working away                                       
'Cause he couldn't give a fig or a toss.                    
                                                            
 5531 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I doubt there'll be even a maid                             
I can talk to and gently persuade                           
Into having some fun                                        
In the room with my gun;                                    
So already I'm feeling dismayed.                            
                                                            
 5532 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I walked to the old boat yard quay,                         
Intent, gazing over the sea                                 
And stood in this style                                     
For just a short while,                                     
Then a young charmer stepped up to me.                      
                                                            
 5533 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



Her hair, in the sunlight was gleaming;                     
As down to her shoulders 'twas streaming.                   
Said she: "Please tell me                                   
What you see in the sea."                                   
I said: "Nothing dear, I was dreaming."                     
                                                            
 5534 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



"Of what," said this lass, with a beam-                     
ing smile, "Is this thing that you dream?"                  
I said: "If you've time,                                    
For a quick gin and lime,                                   
I'll outline the wonderful scheme."                         
                                                            
 5535 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I bought her a lager and lime,                              
And told her, alas, not in rhyme,                           
A dream I had had,                                          
Though she think me mad,                                    
Of a happening in near future time.                         
                                                            
 5536 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I told her I'd stood on that quay,                          
And dreamed that a girl spoke to me,                        
And asked me my dreams,                                     
And they were, so it seems,                                 
That I'd buy her a large G and T.                           
                                                            
 5537 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



We'd come to this same seaside bar;                         
I'd tell her my dreams, of a star-                          
Kissed girl who would ask                                   
My thoughts, and the task                                   
I'd start.  "Now hold on, that's quite far...               
                                                            
 5538 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



"...Enough," quoth the maid, "This could go                 
Forever."  I said: "Oh dear, no.                            
For one of these girls,                                     
With her fine golden curls,                                 
And the loveliest smile, halts me, so..."                   
                                                            
 5539 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I tell her of neap and spring tide,                         
And my old granddad's travels, with pride;                  
And a tale told by he,                                      
Referring to me,                                            
And she sat quite in thrall, sparkling eyed.                
                                                            
 5540 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



(Oh Lord, this is just the preamble,                        
It's going to be quite a long ramble.                       
I think in the time                                         
You finish this rhyme,                                      
You could row from Seattle to Hamble.)                      
                                                            
 5541 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



My granddaddy, ship's cabin boy,                            
Was out in that port called Hanoi,                          
Or perhaps Singapore,                                       
A-strolling ashore,                                         
When an old Chinese crone cried "Ahoy!"                     
                                                            
 5542 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



In a voice that was cracked as a bell,                      
She started her subtle soft sell,                           
And here's what she's offerin':                             
For only a sovereign                                        
She said that the future she'd tell.                        
                                                            
 5543 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



At a time and a date palindromic,                           
With fears of a slump economic,                             
That the son of his heir,                                   
To a bar would repair,                                      
With a golden girl, drink gin and tonic.                    
                                                            
 5544 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



He gave her a glance wholly quizzical,                      
He'd no time for things metaphysical.                       
But her eyes held such power                                
As she spoke: "At that hour                                 
The whole world will turn paradisical."                     
                                                            
 5545 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I reckon we're maybe half way.                              
I'm glad you've been able to stay.                          
Return then to now 'n'                                      
The sun has gone down,                                      
And my honey blonde lady will say...                        
                                                            
 5546 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



She laughed in a tinkling chime,                            
"That's the worst spiel I've heard in my time,              
And even if true,                                           
'Bout me and 'bout you,                                     
This drink, lad, is lager and lime."                        
                                                            
 5547 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



Whereon I soon made intercession,                           
Said "We're on the edge of recession,                       
And as for that gnomic                                      
Third clause, palindromic,                                  
We've time left a-plenty this session.                      
                                                            
 5548 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



"The year is two thousand and two,                          
And that's palindromically true.                            
The date, my dear Deb                                       
Is twentieth Feb,                                           
And that is a palindrome too.                               
                                                            
 5549 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



"Round a quarter to eight I'll buy you,                     
A large G and T, and me, too.                               
And make sure we're sipping,                                
Or otherwise tipping                                        
It throatwards at 20:02"                                    
                                                            
 5550 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



We each then looked up from our glass.                      
Our eyes met.  You may think it crass,                      
But from that moment there,                                 
We were walking on air,                                     
As now, and for many years past.                            
                                                            
 5551 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I looked up, but no magic wand                              
Had waved; had my granddad been conned?                     
Her sweet smile had gone;                                   
She looked rather wan:                                      
"Alas, I'm no natural blonde."                              
                                                            
 5552 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I looked round, but all was the same.                       
I said "Bye, I'll see you again.                            
How 'bout here, next week?"                                 
She shrugged, didn't speak,                                 
And I trudged off home in the rain.                         
                                                            
 5553 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



I called to see granny next day.                            
I told of my tryst by the bay.                              
"So, gran, was it true,                                     
What granddad told you?"                                    
And here's what my granny did say...                        
                                                            
 5554 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



"A sailor's a girl in each port,                            
He thinks he's entitled to court;                           
He thought me a saint,                                      
But boy, that I ain't,                                      
And I had myself, too, some sport.                          
                                                            
 5555 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



So when he came home from his trawling,                     
And found me, with baby a-crawling,                         
He hadn't a clue                                            
What the milkman would do,                                  
When here for his money he's calling."                      
                                                            
 5556 BAWDY - TRAVELS                                         



Remember those days long ago                                
When you looked in a dictionary o-                          
Nly to find whether "fuck"                                  
"Penis", "clitty" or "suck"                                 
Were included? You just had to know.                        
(seventh grade, never did find the word 'whore' - McW)      
 5557 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



A moral old fellow named Hicks                              
From alphabet soup got his kicks.                           
He said, "Waiter, make sure                                 
What you brimg me is pure.                                  
Remove all the SHIT's, CUNT's and PRICK'S.                  
                                                            
 5558 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2106



"Let's now play ANAGRAMS", said Klein.                      
"First, Dear, the anagram for PINES.                        
No! No! it's not snipe.                                     
Dear, dear, your teardrops wipe.                            
You're getting close but it's not SPINE."                   
(what is mightier than the sword? - McW)                    
 5559 BAWDY - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P8508



Lorraine was a clever young lass                            
But never made head of the class.                           
For whenever she read,                                      
All the words that she said                                 
Would always come out word-backass.                         
                                                            
 5560 BAWDY - WORDS                  Evelyn Bogen        P9603



I bet my good friend named Ringo,                           
That "Fuck" was in his grannies lingo.                      
So we dressed in disguise                                   
And before Ringo's eyes,                                    
Granny said "Fuck!" when I said "Bingo!"                    
                                                            
 5561 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



I think you should call off all bets;                       
And forgive this poor Ringo his debts.                      
When you add two and two,                                   
It's apparent you knew,                                     
That his granny now suffers Tourettes!                      
                                                            
 5562 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



If my mother her passions had mastered,                     
Or my dad not been every night plastered,                   
If they'd only been wed                                     
When they got me in bed,                                    
I wouldn't be branded a bastard.                            
                                                            
 5563 BAWDY - WORDS                  Laurence Perrine    P8802



One sweet damsel of Metro Toranna                           
Would insist, "I can cuss if I wanna.                       
I don't use dirty words                                     
Like cunt, shit, and turds,                                 
But some day I am fucking well gonna!"                      
                                                            
 5564 BAWDY - WORDS                  Keith MacMillan       60b



'Peccadillo' has same root in sin.                          
As adjective 'impeccable' is in.                            
While courage is 'pecker'                                   
Or something to wreck her;                                  
You can call it 'peter' and grin.                           
                                                            
 5565 BAWDY - WORDS                  Crispy                   



I guess I just don't make the grade                         
In "Politically Correct", I'm afraid----                    
There's a list without end,                                 
Of words that offend;                                       
But I still call a spade, a spade!                          
                                                            
 5566 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



I swore, "That sonofabitch                                  
Is now using words of which                                 
I just can't recall                                         
Their meaning at all;                                       
Now ain't that just too damn rich!"                         
                                                            
 5567 BAWDY - WORDS                  Chris Papa               



But I used the term 'cod' in my stuff                       
Thinking one word of French quite enough:                   
The word means 'pastiche'                                   
With no reference to fish -                                 
The best I could do, off the cuff.                          
                                                            
 5568 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



The tenderfoot from the East was called Dude;               
He could not do very much but eat food.                     
He could not ride the steeds,                               
Or attend to their needs,                                   
But the language he learned was real crude!                 
                                                            
 5569 BAWDY - WORDS                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Cunction is putting things off.                             
Like X-rays, when you have a cough.                         
A test for the clap,                                        
Reducing your lap,                                          
That bimbo you promised to boff.                            
                                                            
 5570 BAWDY - WORDS                  Larry Davis         P8712



If I may be brutally blunt,                                 
A prick or a cock is no cunt.                               
Some call it a box                                          
For the storage of cocks,                                   
Whose insertion elicits a grunt.                            
                                                            
 5571 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



Thoughts on the word "cunt", if you please...               
Some say it's vulgar and feel ill at ease.                  
Yet a "prick" or a "cock"                                   
Elicits no shock.                                           
Why should cunt be so different from these?                 
                                                            
 5572 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



There was a gay Countess of Bray,                           
And you may think it odd when I say,                        
That is spite of high station,                              
Birth, rank, education,                                     
She always spelt Cunt with a K.                             
                                                            
 5573 BAWDY - WORDS                                      L1379



There was a man, who, as a youth                            
His daily language was uncouth.                             
Hearing him curse and swear,                                
People still stop and stare;                                
Even now, though he's long in the tooth.                    
                                                            
 5574 BAWDY - WORDS                  Arthur Pattaffy          



I once knew a young fellow named Perce;                     
An Aussie, he did naught but curse.                         
If his language was purer,                                  
And his curse words were fewer,                             
I'd have nothing to say in this verse.                      
                                                            
 5575 BAWDY - WORDS                  Arthur Pattaffy          



The semantics professor was hot in                          
The midst of a fuck with Miss Cotten.                       
She said, "Fucking is grand                                 
But I can't understand                                      
Why the words that describe it are rotten."                 
                                                            
 5576 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0202



There was a Polish gent called Dick;                        
Of his name he was truly sick.                              
He decided to change it,                                    
Had the court rearrange it,                                 
And now he calls himself Prick!                             
                                                            
 5577 BAWDY - WORDS                  Alubda                   



A learned old justice of Trent                              
Defined what obscenity meant:                               
He said, "Duck is not clean,                                
But three-quarters obscene;                                 
And fudge is foul forty percent.                            
                                                            
 5578 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin 3024  G2534



You are treading on ethical toes,                           
To use trigger words such as those,                         
"Doo Wop" is to me,                                         
The big SOB                                                 
That administers Godfather's blows.                         
                                                            
 5579 BAWDY - WORDS                  Chris Papa               



A modern young girl from Mount Abel                         
Used an ill-chosen word at the table.                       
Her mother said, "Jane,                                     
If you say that again,                                      
You can fucking well eat in the stable."                    
                                                            
 5580 BAWDY - WORDS                  John Blyth               



There is an old maid of Cologne,                            
Who bad words in print won't condone.                       
When she hears of a new one,                                
A most sordid and blue one,                                 
She has sculptors engrave it in stone.                      
                                                            
 5581 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2508



A sesquipedalian neologist                                  
Would think up new words when his balls were kissed.        
So he hired for the chore                                   
A flagitious old whore,                                     
But her four-letter oaths made him awful pissed.            
(flagitious - disgraceful, scandalous)                      
 5582 BAWDY - WORDS                  Don Moore           P9308



The word "fuck" to Miss Babbitt would bring                 
Her resentful remarks by the string.                        
But in bed young Miss Babbitt                               
Would fuck like a rabbit,                                   
For she hated the word, not the thing.                      
                                                            
 5583 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1972



As a rule it's been my rule of thumb                        
To avoid using F-words which numb                           
Us by constant abuse                                        
But they do have their use:                                 
JESUS, MAN, THIS IS JUST FUCKIN' DUMB!                      
                                                            
 5584 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



Old authors showed plenty of wit                            
With pure-sounding words that were writ.                    
You'll find in old books                                    
"Egad!" and "Gadzooks!",                                    
Which really mean, "Oh, Holy shit!"                         
                                                            
 5585 BAWDY - WORDS                  Bluebird                 



By the village of St. Guinevere                             
Two shepherds, when from somewhere near,                    
Came a wolf howl.                                           
Said one, with a scowl,                                     
"Let's get the flock out of here!"                          
                                                            
 5586 BAWDY - WORDS                  Henry Mucha              



I really do love that word;                                 
Most descriptive one I've ever heard.                       
It says so very much                                        
And has just the right touch;                               
It's the written "giving the bird!"                         
                                                            
 5587 BAWDY - WORDS                  Cheryl                   



Perhaps this may seem very poor of me,                      
But I'm curious from the deepest core of me:                
Of Sodomy we know,                                          
But why is it so                                            
That we never hear of GOMORRAHMY.                           
                                                            
 5588 BAWDY - WORDS                  A W Edwards         P9102



Some names will be famed through the land                   
And some will be writ in the sand.                          
But we'll view names of fools                               
While we strain at our stools,                              
Just as long as the shithouse walls stand.                  
                                                            
 5589 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2152



In the Navy they share the same notion.                     
Big guns are on ships in the ocean.                         
Yours is small bore,                                        
To use on a whore.                                          
Well that's what I heard from my bos'un.                    
                                                            
 5590 BAWDY - WORDS                  John Miller              



As he gazed through high-powered glasses                    
At the nudist camp laddies and lasses,                      
He said, "It's a romp,                                      
But if that were a swamp,                                   
Just think!  We should have some morasses."                 
                                                            
 5591 BAWDY - WORDS                                      G2352



My friend wants to sample the frails                        
At a brothel. If my wish prevails,                          
We'll go to a lecture                                       
On Greek architecture.                                      
We're flipping a coin -- heads or tails.                    
                                                            
 5592 BAWDY - WORDS                  Lauarence Perrine   P9402



There was a young fellow named Edward,                      
Who preferred a live trope to a dead word.                  
He never would speak,                                       
Of taking a leak,                                           
But instead said his urge was to headward.                  
(trope - figure of speech)                                  
 5593 BAWDY - WORDS                                      L1710



A magician who hailed from Hohokus,                         
Found his act an exciting new focus,                        
When two girl volunteers                                    
Triggered audience cheers                                   
By insisting, "First hocus, then poke us."                  
                                                            
 5594 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



"I've wondered. If I were so free                           
As to tell you this evening," asked Lee,                    
"That your body petite                                      
Is lovely and sweet,                                        
Would you hold it against me, Marie?"                       
                                                            
 5595 BAWDY - WORDS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8405



I once met a fellow named Louie,                            
Who bragged of the knowledge, knew he.                      
So I asked him, "Well friend,                               
What's an equine's hind end?                                
He said, "Oh it's a horse's petoo'ie."                      
                                                            
 5596 BAWDY - WORDS                  Misty Dragon             



Ephriam and his crusading Kay,                              
Love to picket by night and by day.                         
They walk the same line,                                    
And hold up a sign,                                         
Which shows where you see Eph, you see Kay.                 
                                                            
 5597 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



The male patients of old Dr. Brown                          
Were received by his nurse in white gown.                   
This young lady Chinese                                     
Would bow low and say, "Please,                             
If it is warm, jacket off, and sit down.                    
                                                            
 5598 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin       P9104



A southern belle known for wry sentences,                   
Whose humor was darker that Clinton's is,                   
Was heard to exclaim                                        
When the Orkin man came,                                    
"Does anyone know wheah the kitten is?"                     
                                                            
 5599 BAWDY - WORDS                  Paul Hoffman             



You need a book that lists slang,                           
When you're having a certain pang;                          
For a suck or a shag,                                       
With a lass or a nag,                                       
Or a bang with the whole limerick gang.                     
                                                            
 5600 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



An elderly sage of B'nai B'rith,                            
Told his friend he was quite full of pith.                  
This could mean "full of fact"                              
And "With meaning compact,"                                 
But not when you're lithping like thith.                    
                                                            
 5601 BAWDY - WORDS                  Isaac Asimov             



Pissing and fucking and shit,                               
Penis and fanny and tit.                                    
Asshole and bum,                                            
And buckets of come,                                        
Are all very rude I admit.                                  
                                                            
 5602 BAWDY - WORDS                  Steve Hann               



There was a young woman named Jenny (yum, yum),             
Whose charms were delightful and many (yum, yum).           
The sight of her boobs                                      
And the taste of her pubes,                                 
Seemed to herald the coming millenny (yum, yum).            
                                                            
 5603 BAWDY - WORDS                  Isaac Asimov             



If Puqua is called Puckaway                                 
As it is in Wisconsin, a-lack-a-day,                        
What would you do                                           
If it happened to you                                       
To meet Miss Hope U. Fuqua?                                 
                                                            
 5604 BAWDY - WORDS                                      G2724



With dictionaries I must disagree;                          
There are many words useful to me:                          
How 'bout babe, cunt and tyke?                              
How 'bout slut, cunt and dyke?                              
Hell, I even know one that's PC.                            
                                                            
 5605 BAWDY - WORDS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A German collector named Crocker                            
Bought planes with the aid of Miss Knocker.                 
The least of the litter                                     
They called Messer Schmitter; --                            
The largest they dubbed Mother Fokker.                      
                                                            
 5606 BAWDY - WORDS                  Ferris T. McMilford P8304



Said a printer pretending to wit,                           
"There a certain bad words we omit.                         
It would sully our art,                                     
To print the word f---,                                     
And we never! Oh Never! Say sh--!"                          
                                                            
 5607 BAWDY - WORDS                                      L1597



Do not use a word that's taboo                              
Or they'll excommunicate you;                               
Your testicles sever,                                       
And worst of all, never                                     
You magazine subscriptions renew.                           
                                                            
 5608 BAWDY - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P9110



Good regular sex I've been missin';                         
Could use some good hugging and kissin'.                    
But no lady has fell                                        
'Cause I'm ugly as hell,                                    
And I ain't got a pot to piss in!                           
                                                            
 5609 BAWDY - WORDS                  Writerman                



A virile young man by name Hunt                             
Took a girl for a trip in a punt.                           
Any kid you could name                                      
Would tell you his game,                                    
But you don't always have to be blunt...                    
                                                            
 5610 BAWDY - WORDS                  Bill Backe-Hansen   P8802



If you feel your relationship's Yuk;                        
If you're broke and you're down on your luck;               
If you need a friend                                        
On whom to depend;                                          
Don't call me 'cause I don't give a fuck!                   
                                                            
 5611 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



He said that he hated the Queen.                            
He included the word, "Vaseline."                           
The word was not "duck,"                                    
And nor was it "pluck."                                     
The word that he used was obscene.                          
                                                            
 5612 BAWDY - WORDS                  Al Willis                



A youth who had mastered the swearword,                     
Learned bad language whilst he was a jailbird.              
When released to his house,                                 
Deaf parents had no grouse.                                 
'Twas said he was obscene, but not heard.                   
                                                            
 5613 BAWDY - WORDS                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Notes linguist professor, John Reece,                       
"The plural of goose becomes 'geese';                       
Alumnus, 'alumni',                                          
Two dice, one die,                                          
But don't say 'Two feces', 'one fece'".                     
                                                            
 5614 BAWDY - WORDS                  Armand E Singer       852



A roguish young cocksman named Hogue,                       
Claimed screwing repeats were in vogue.                     
So although she cried, "No!                                 
Not another!  Just go!                                      
He insisted on one for the rogue.                           
                                                            
 5615 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



There was a young lady of Crabtree,                         
Whose manners were breezy and free.                         
When a gentleman heard                                      
Her choice of a word,                                       
He observed, "Well, that outclasses me!"                    
                                                            
 5616 BAWDY - WORDS                  John Blyth               



Ethnologists up with the Sioux,                             
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.                        
The answer next day                                         
Said, "Girls on the way,                                    
But what in the hell's a 'panoe'?"                          
                                                            
 5617 BAWDY - WORDS                  Anon                L1058



There was a young girl of Tobruk                            
Who had the most terrible luck:                             
He went out in a punt                                       
And fell over the front,                                    
And was pecked in the cunt by a duck.                       
                                                            
 5618 BAWDY - WORDS                                      G2058



I don't like this word "pecksniffian"                       
It sounds to me just like "dickwhiffian"                    
That means touching taboo --                                
Something I'd never do!                                     
This word should sink into obliffian!                       
                                                            
 5619 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



To you, I will try to explain,                              
The meaning of the word 'petomaine,'                        
It's a term rather smarter,                                 
Than trumper or farter,                                     
But sadly it means just the same.                           
                                                            
 5620 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



There was a sad bride out in Iowa,                          
Who would say, "Please say it my way.                       
Do not say fuck,                                            
It don't rhyme with duck.                                   
Say untcay and itshay and uckfay."                          
                                                            
 5621 BAWDY - WORDS                                      L1441



A scribe, to the vulgar inclined,                           
Wrote a play more gross than refined,                       
With words, all four-letter:                                
Hips, nips, tits, and better,                               
Like those that have just crossed your mind.                
                                                            
 5622 BAWDY - WORDS                  Douglas Catley           



The language of English, I've found,                        
With many fine words does abound.                           
Like Fuck, Fart, and Shit;                                  
Hairy Cunt, Prick and Tit;                                  
And they all have a most pleasant sound.                    
                                                            
 5623 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2058



The old etymologist Metters                                 
Said that four-letter words had no betters.                 
To establish conformity                                     
For a grevous deformity,                                    
He proposed to spell PRIK with four letters.                
                                                            
 5624 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2995



The pubes are pubs, plus an "e"                             
And it is not silent, you see.                              
No, pubs are quite loud,                                    
And they draw a crowd.                                      
Well, pubes do too, believe me!                             
                                                            
 5625 BAWDY - WORDS                  Larry Davis         P8712



"Put it in now; it's absurd."                               
She talked and she talked, my lovebird.                     
"Put it in there."                                          
And I said, "I swear                                        
I'd at least like to put in a word."                        
                                                            
 5626 BAWDY - WORDS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The language of sex, although stout,                        
Is prone to confusion and doubt.                            
Why, just ask yourself, Sir                                 
Which you would prefer:                                     
A girl who puts in--or puts out?                            
                                                            
 5627 BAWDY - WORDS                  Norm Storer         P9504



Never again shall I hunt                                    
For a word that rhymes well with cunt.                      
While this limerick be strange,                             
And a wee bit deranged,                                     
It's a hell of a publicity stunt.                           
                                                            
 5628 BAWDY - WORDS                  Deep Goat          TP9807



In the Army, they say it's no trifle:                       
You must know your gun from your rifle.                     
You must learn the rule                                     
For the use of each tool.                                   
If your Sergeant won't tell you, your wife'll.              
                                                            
 5629 BAWDY - WORDS                  John Miller              



Said a noonlighting housewife in Goshen:                    
"There are service-club-guys with a notion!                 
And when luncheon is through,                               
And I'm game for a screw,                                   
What I like is a Rotary motion!"                            
                                                            
 5630 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



A sweet Polish miss, with real class,                       
Was buxom and had a nice ass;                               
But though slim and svelte,                                 
Thought "Sanitary Belt"                                     
Was a drink from a freshly washed glass.                    
                                                            
 5631 BAWDY - WORDS                  Arthur Deex         P8908



Many persons in stockings of blue                           
Abhor words that don't faze me or you                       
To bridge over this schism                                  
I employ euphemism                                          
When I want to say "fuck" I write "screw".                  
                                                            
 5632 BAWDY - WORDS                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



Dick and Jane one day came home from school                 
And declared they had learned a new rule;                   
That, a hammer needs nails,                                 
And a sailboat needs sails,                                 
And a screw always needs a good tool.                       
                                                            
 5633 BAWDY - WORDS                  Evelyn Bogen        P9409



Among the words listed TABOO,                               
The Carpenter's Union adds SCREW.                           
"SCREW UP and SCREW BALL--                                  
Our senses appall,                                          
And if you should use them, screw you."                     
                                                            
 5634 BAWDY - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P9110



Said a sexagenarian Sherm,                                  
"It's a notion to make a man squirm                         
When he has to admit                                        
That there's more than a bit                                
Of flattery packed in that term."                           
                                                            
 5635 BAWDY - WORDS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8509



I speak not in rounds, but in squares,                      
Which causes complaining and swears.                        
I am not a harp-                                            
y, though my words are sharp;                               
They might stab if you're caught unawares.                  
                                                            
 5636 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



Tomorrow, I'll speak in triangles,                          
With a participle that dangles,                             
And infinitives split,                                      
That will be most unfit                                     
And the meaning will be all in tangles.                     
                                                            
 5637 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



What occurs in the marital bed,                             
And anything sexual, some dread.                            
Poor prudish Miss Hocking                                   
Finds the word "gender" shocking,                           
And blushes bright red when it's said.                      
                                                            
 5638 BAWDY - WORDS                                     G2273a



By the time of her graduate laurels,                        
Had the system corrupted her morals?                        
Academic regalia:                                           
Did it cloak genitalia,                                     
Which had come into play on her orals?                      
                                                            
 5639 BAWDY - WORDS                  Thomas A. Quinine   P8311



Said two farm boys, in loco parentis,                       
"These new words are gonna dement us;                       
Like ordure and offal;                                      
They sound just plain awful.                                
It is driving us non compost mentis."                       
                                                            
 5640 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



There was a young man named McHugh,                         
Whose ideas were exciting and new,                          
But an ancient relation,                                    
Gave disapprobation,                                        
To McHugh spelling "fuq" with a q.                          
                                                            
 5641 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



There was a young man of Calcutta,                          
Who tried to write "CUNT" on a shutter.                     
He had got to "C-U-"                                        
When a pious Hindu,                                         
Knocked him flat on his ass in the gutter.                  
                                                            
 5642 BAWDY - WORDS                  Norman Douglas      L1141



The ancient orthographer, Chisolm,                          
Caused a lexicographical schism,                            
When he asked to know whether                               
'Twere known which was better                               
To use -- g or j -- to spell gism.                          
                                                            
 5643 BAWDY - WORDS                                      L1389



Introspectively thinking of jizm                            
And sesquipedalianism,                                      
I rummaged around                                           
In my braincell and found                                   
Disestablishmentarianism.                                   
                                                            
 5644 BAWDY - WORDS                                           



When you hear a word that's taboo,                          
Your duty, of course, is to boo.                            
But if the word's yours,                                    
(Your booboo) you pause,                                    
Then after you "boo", you "hoo hoo."                        
                                                            
 5645 BAWDY - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P9110



Does BORE or does BOOR rhyme with WHORE?                    
Since Webster and Funk are not sure,                        
I polled twenty "hers"--                                    
Which name each prefers--                                   
And most of them showed me the door.                        
                                                            
 5646 BAWDY - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P9205



I traveled with Timmy McGrew                                
To Mali, the ladies to woo;                                 
We found three, salacious,                                  
And being voracious,                                        
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.                            
                                                            
 5647 BAWDY - WORDS                  Bob Giandomenico    P9410



English diction is neat;                                    
To listen to them is a treat.                               
The breast-feeding bit                                      
That we call a 'TIT,'                                       
They refer to correctly as 'TEAT."                          
                                                            
 5648 BAWDY - WORDS                  Ed Wolfert          P8208



A Scotsman told me, "It's uncanny;                          
On top of a lorry, my fanny                                 
Rose and fell in the breeze.                                
I was striving to please                                    
For the Laurie I trucked was named Annie."                  
                                                            
 5649 BAWDY - WORDS                  Bob Giandomenico    P8908



A foul-mouthed young fellow was Gene,                       
Rebuked for his language obscene;                           
But the foul words he knew                                  
Were too utterely few,                                      
And he used many words that were clean.                     
                                                            
 5650 BAWDY - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2081



I dined with the Duchess of Lee,                            
Who asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"                      
I replied, with quick wit,                                  
"Do you belch when you shit?                                
Say, Duchess, chalk one up for me."                         
(And felt it was one up to me.)                             
 5651 BAWDY - WORDS                  Norman Douglas      L0755



A nice college boy from Bolivia                             
Joined a new game of off-color trivia.                      
But he couldn't compete                                     
With the vulgar elite;                                      
He was woefully weak in lascivia.                           
                                                            
 5652 BAWDY - WORDS                  B. Tepper                



A maxim, though wicked, I'd guage,                          
Has a punch line unnervingly sage.                          
All women, they say                                         
Are like dog turds since they                               
Are picked up with more ease as they age.                   
                                                            
 5653 BAWDY - WORDS                  Dick Buenger        P8911



A tongue-tied young fellow named Trent                      
Could never say just what he meant;                         
A word like "Confront                                       
Would come out "You cunt" --                                
A blooper most women resent.                                
                                                            
 5654 BAWDY - WORDS                  Armand E Singer       752



Though at lying, my aunt is adroit,                         
I don't see what she hopes to exploit.                      
She claims she was "zood",                                  
In Kalamascrood,                                            
But I know it took place in Detroit.                        
                                                            
 5655 BAWDY - WORDS                                      G2237



Even five-year-olds get a cheap thrill                      
From that four-letter word they hear: KILL!                 
But should they say "fuck"                                  
Their folks, thunderstruck,                                 
Most likely will chastise them still.                       
                                                            
 5656 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        John Miller              



Says my alien friend, "They're so cute,                     
So why must you prime them to shoot                         
With a cold iron gun,                                       
When the warm one's such fun?                               
If fact, it just doesn't compute!"                          
                                                            
 5657 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        John Miller              



For the record, you must not abuse                          
The "F" word in my house.  I choose                         
To find it offensive,                                       
Need not be defensive,                                      
I've a right in my home to such views.                      
                                                            
 5658 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        John Miller              



I don't say "Goddamn!" to a priest,                         
Speak of "Kikes" at a Synagogue feast;                      
So please hold your tongue                                  
If you speak to my young                                    
(If I'm within earshot, at least).                          
                                                            
 5659 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        John Miller              



The balls are male objects that hang,                       
Holding sperm that goes into the whang.                     
When the whang is erected,                                  
The sperm are ejected,                                      
They call this whole process "a bang".                      
                                                            
 5660 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jim Weaver Collection    



Is it really considered a bang                              
When not buried away in a skang?                            
I have detected                                             
Sperm that's ejected,                                       
When I'm sitting and whipping my wang.                      
                                                            
 5661 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jim Weaver Collection    



A woman whose wealth is long past                           
Cannot as a BLUESTOCKING last,                              
Unless she first doffs                                      
Her stocking for toffs,                                     
Whose fortunes support their bombast.                       
                                                            
 5662 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Daniel Ford              



Consider the scholar BLUESTOCKING,                          
A woman who's rarely ad hocking,                            
Who follows a plan,                                         
Yet under her tan                                           
Displays a history quite shocking.                          
                                                            
 5663 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Daniel Ford              



Anthropologist looks at map                                 
Then puts fossils in bubble wrap.                           
COPROLITE it seems                                          
Vaporizes dreams,                                           
For it's all just the same old crap.                        
                                                            
 5664 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Darryl                   



Petrified scat, or COPROLITE,                               
Brings "passing stones" to a new light.                     
Was that coprolith                                          
Just what he died with,                                     
Or was he preparing to fight?                               
                                                            
 5665 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Daniel Ford              



COPROLITE, fossilized knob,                                 
In anthropologist's job,                                    
Is worthy of snoop,                                         
'Cause in caveman's poop,                                   
Tells if he ate corn on the cob.                            
                                                            
 5666 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Chris Papa               



An Englishman wanting a fag,                                
Asked a girl if she'd one in her bag.                       
But she was from Yonkers,                                   
And thought he was bonkers.                                 
He explained, and she offered a shag.                       
                                                            
 5667 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Prof                     



The shag he expected, it's true,                            
Is tobacco to me and to you.                                
But he liked quite a lot                                    
The sort that he got,                                       
And told her, "That's nice; it will do."                    
                                                            
 5668 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Prof                     



I find it is strangely uncanny,                             
How different the meanings of "fanny".                      
In the U S of A,                                            
It can sit down all day,                                    
But in Britain means feminine cranny.                       
                                                            
 5669 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Prof                     



Saints preserve us from salacious                           
Reports of women FELLATIOUS,                                
Not salubrious,                                             
Not lugubrious,                                             
Behaving in ways hellacious.                                
                                                            
 5670 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Daniel Ford              



A well-endowed stud "past the fuzz",                        
Shook his mate with a sneezing buzz.                        
"GESUNDHEIT!" she said                                      
On the rocking bed.                                         
He answered "It certainly does!"                            
                                                            
 5671 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Chris Papa               



If "hardcore" means rude and obscene,                       
And explicit I guess it must mean;                          
We'd be frequently jumping                                  
Each other and humping.                                     
(I'm really not awfully keen.)                              
                                                            
 5672 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jim Weaver Collection    



A figure of speech: When you're "Hung                       
By your prick," it just means to be stung                   
By some sexual act,                                         
When in actual fact,                                        
State's evidence all came unstrung.                         
                                                            
 5673 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jim Weaver Collection    



"Please define," teacher said to Bernard,                   
And 'indecent' showed up on the card.                       
Said Bernard, "I recall                                     
What Ma told Uncle Paul:                                    
"It's in decent when long and it's hard."                   
                                                            
 5674 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Albin Chaplin            



An American friend while in England,                        
Walked home with her new English friend.                    
He kissed her and asked her                                 
"Can I knock you up later?"                                 
She slapped him, thought "This is the end!"                 
                                                            
 5675 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Karen                    



These English boys move much to quick;                      
Having slapped him she felt kind of sick.                   
"Knock you up" she learned later,                           
Is not "impregnate her",                                    
He wanted to "call on" this chick.                          
                                                            
 5676 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Karen                    



A cuddley MASCOT was Franz,                                 
Got crowds into waving their hands.                         
Till he lost his drawers,                                   
They ran to the doors,                                      
When everyone there saw his glans...                        
                                                            
 5677 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Darryl P                 



A good luck charm is the MASCOT,                            
As Prince of Wales in his ascot,                            
But Balmoral Prince                                         
Made his subjects wince                                     
When in sling, he got his ass caught.                       
                                                            
 5678 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Daniel Ford              



A young man who would have his vas cut,                     
Saw bleary-eyed Doc, and bad gas got.                       
Cut wrong nerve, Surprise!                                  
The darn thing won't rise;                                  
Employed in a harem as MASCOT.                              
                                                            
 5679 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Chris Papa               



The commonest meanings of words                             
May flit, like the flight of the birds                      
On a course, like that.                                     
And if a wet cat                                            
Should catch them, they'll soon become turds.               
                                                            
 5680 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        H Whelchel               



Muliebrity, feminine mass,                                  
Seems, with a hasty look, crass,                            
And smarmy salute,                                          
To be the word root,                                        
For the lady known as "Piece of Ass."                       
                                                            
 5681 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Chris Papa               



MULIEBRITY's not of a mule,                                 
As controversy you would fuel.                              
With such remark coarse,                                    
Of ass crossing horse,                                      
Expect angry retorts, high joule.                           
                                                            
 5682 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Daniel                   



"Dreck" sounds more cultured, that word,                    
Or even in French form as "merde".                          
I'd even, old chap                                          
Prefer you use "crap",                                      
Or another good noun as absurd.                             
                                                            
 5683 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Chris Papa               



The meaning you give for ROCK-RIBBED                        
(Repeated below -- I've just cribbed)                       
'With rocks' (that give germ?)                              
'Unyielding, and firm',                                     
Both seem anatomically nibbed.                              
                                                            
 5684 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Nick                     



I've learned a new word. it's SALACIOUS.                    
It's got something to do with fellatious.                   
Let's turn it all over;                                     
It's Fellatio Hornblower.                                   
And it's all mixed up with the fallacious.                  
                                                            
 5685 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Naz                      



"Shit" just isn't kosher -- like ham --                     
So sip Maneschewitz, a dram.                                
The censors we toast,                                       
And send forth our boast,                                   
That "Frankly, we don't give a damn."                       
                                                            
 5686 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Chris Papa               



Should I do it or should I not?                             
Deciding has me tied in a knot.                             
I apply OCKHAM'S RAZOR;                                     
It cuts like a laser.                                       
Answer: "Shit or get off the pot!"                          
                                                            
 5687 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Norm                     



It's a while since I've seen the word 'taint';              
I remember the meaning was quaint.                          
Where pussy's posterior                                     
Meets assholes anterior,                                    
Though vulva nor anus it ain't.                             
                                                            
 5688 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Hugh Clary               



TOOTHSOME as sexy's incredible;                             
Seems more like grinning through thread o' bull.            
When deep in your heart,                                    
You know the sex art                                        
Includes playing with parts edible.                         
                                                            
 5689 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Daniel Ford              



A prick's what you do with a thorn;                         
A wet pussy's a cat, so forlorn.                            
A boob is one who                                           
Is as dumb as a shoe.                                       
And a cock is what crows in the morn.                       
                                                            
 5690 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jeanie                   



A purse-grabbing thief makes a snatch,                      
And hay on a roof makes a thatch.                           
A slit is a slot                                            
For a tab or what-not...                                    
And you blow to extinguish a match.                         
                                                            
 5691 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jeanie                   



And yet all these words seem to mean                        
Quite something else most obscene.                          
It depends how they're used.                                
I've often perused                                          
Lims where the meanings weren't clean.                      
                                                            
 5692 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jeanie                   



His prick was so big that it ached,                         
And her pussy so wet while she quaked.                      
His cock she did blow                                       
As his head dipped below                                    
To her snatch, through the thatch that he raked.            
                                                            
 5693 BAWDY - WORDS - DEFINED        Jeanie                   



There was a young girl named Anheuser,                      
Who boasted no man could surprise her,                      
Pabst took a chance,                                        
Found Schlitz in her pants,                                 
And now she is sadder Budweiser.                            
                                                            
 5694 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                             L0807



There is a Quebecker named Buck                             
(I know what you're thinking -- you suck);                  
He just passed his orals                                    
In protestant morals;                                       
The rhyme I've in mind is Canuck.                           
                                                            
 5695 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES         Armand E Singer       779



Can coots toot a flute or play lute?                        
Are hooters flute tooters to boot?                          
Route flute up coot flue,                                   
And Zut! Cute and true!                                     
The poot shoots of coots toot a flute!                      
                                                            
 5696 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                                  



Said a gloomy young fellow called Fart:                     
"This name's bad enough for a start.                        
But my snob of a Dad                                        
Makes it twice as bad,                                      
With his Sir Mark Ffart-ffart, Bart."                       
                                                            
 5697 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                                  



But besides that there's reasons galore                     
Why there's fewer lims there and here more.                 
Like: You needn't be witty                                  
Rhyming "clitty" with "titty",                              
And so MANY good things rhyme with "whore"!                 
                                                            
 5698 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                                  



For the guys we have "Johnson" and "schlong"                
When we tire of old "cock", "dick" or "dong"                
For the girls what's up front                               
Is not merely a "cunt,"                                     
There's a list of words two hundred long!                   
                                                            
 5699 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                                  



And what would we do without "twat?"                        
And those dozens of good words that ought                   
Not be spoken in church?                                    
We would do more than lurch:                                
To a shuddering stop we'd be brought!                       
                                                            
 5700 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                                  



Those short dirty words rhyme so well,                      
Making fine bawdy tales fun to tell.                        
The long and the short of it,                               
It's great making sport of it,                              
On a subject we all like to dwell!                          
                                                            
 5701 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                                  



So as long as we're free to use "quim"                      
For the ladies and "pecker" for him,                        
Without looking askance                                     
Then I guess that the chance                                
Of an A A L catch up are slim.                              
                                                            
 5702 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES                                  



A gnu newly neutered from flu                               
Bid his bollux adieu feeling blue.                          
A lad saw the gnu sad,                                      
Questioned why, said his dad,                               
"There is nothing, son, under the gnu."                     
                                                            
 5703 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES         Bob Giandomenico    P9410



I know what I want for my present!                          
Not a pear-treed partridge, but pheasant!                   
Though pheasant-plucking is                                 
Not a pleasant fucking biz,                                 
I'll be the only peasant pheasant-plucker present.          
                                                            
 5704 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES         H Myers             T9712



Micky is pickin' a chicken,                                 
For stickin' his prick in and friggin'.                     
He's thinking of suckin'                                    
And buckin' and fuckin';                                    
Chicken's thinking of kickin' his dick in!                  
                                                            
 5705 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES         PeterW                   



Right common the surname of Smith;                          
To rhyme it I'm tempted herewith --                         
Let's see, "...she would screw                              
With Gentile or Jew                                         
Including her kin and her kith."                            
                                                            
 5706 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES         Armand E Singer       644



Now equally common is Jones                                 
But rare are the endings in -ones.                          
So try as I might,                                          
The best I could write:                                     
"...but never on Kalenda or Nones." (Roman calendar dates)  
                                                            
 5707 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES         Armand E Singer       645



There once was a 'shiek' or 'sheik'                         
A bit of a sneak or a snake,                                
He took a friend's daughter                                 
To Virginia Water,                                          
Where he kept her a week or awake.                          
                                                            
 5708 BAWDY - WORDS - RHYMES         Explosion of Lims   P2005



Old Sweeney, the druggest of Kent                           
Had a clientele not impotent.                               
The condoms he sold                                         
Never got to be old.                                        
As soon as they came in, they went!                         
                                                            
 5709 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        LaDonna Jones       P8503



In Babylon, condoms were able                               
To gain the great king's safety label;                      
He proved they were strong                                  
When stretched on his schlong,                              
That ladies called 'Tower of Babel'.                        
                                                            
 5710 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Travis Brasell           



One condom said to the other,                               
"Let's go in that gay bar, brother",                        
In through the back door,                                   
Abused like a whore,                                        
Came out shit-faced like a mutha.                           
                                                            
 5711 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



Two guys at a condom convention                             
Attracted a lot of attention.                               
"Who's dong is the bigger?"                                 
They argued with vigor;                                     
But still it's a bone of contention.                        
                                                            
 5712 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Peter Wilkins            



I bought condoms just this afternoon.                       
Two dozen. (It made the clerk swoon.)                       
I have plans for just four,                                 
For I plan to score:                                        
March, April, May, and then June.                           
                                                            
 5713 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Jim Weaver Collection    



My friend has named his prick Rick;                         
That short for Richard D. Dick.                             
A bright colored condom                                     
Was all that he'd donned him,                               
When arrested for exposed "Lime-Rick."                      
                                                            
 5714 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Gearhart           TP9807



A medical examination                                       
Need not follow infatuation.                                
Before your contortions,                                    
You should take precautions,                                
Like checking on your insulation.                           
                                                            
 5715 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Sem                      



"Disposable condoms, Not me!"                               
Said the woman in the office with glee.                     
"Try a drugstore or barber,                                 
Or that "Gents" by the harbor.                              
I sell condominiums not condoms, you see!"                  
                                                            
 5716 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        H Myers             T9801



These tables quite often are seen                           
Right next to the condom machine,                           
Which I guess must give pause                               
For some men to link cause                                  
And effect in a manner most keen.                           
                                                            
 5717 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



A drummer, Fitzpatrick by name,                             
Sold condoms that wowed every dame;                         
He stocked losts of spares                                  
And proud of his wares,                                     
Was eager to demonstrate same.                              
                                                            
 5718 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Armand E Singer       427



I once had a PRUDENTIAL pal,                                
Who said, "Before I have sex, I shall                       
A nice condom use,                                          
Lest erotic Muse                                            
Be a dire, disease spreading gal."                          
                                                            
 5719 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Chris Papa               



With caution, your pal so PRUDENTIAL                        
Did exercise judgment essential                             
To skip at low cost,                                        
When possibly sauced,                                       
Life-altering facts consequential.                          
                                                            
 5720 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Daniel Ford              



My love brings me many a condom,                            
And she tastes them as soon as I've donned 'em.             
The last, God forgive her,                                  
Was flavored like liver;                                    
De gustibus non disputandum!                                
(needs a translation)                                       
 5721 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Stargazer                



It was not that I hated affection;                          
And I had a fine crowbar erection.                          
When she said, "Let's go!"                                  
I had to say "No."                                          
For I had forgotten protection.                             
                                                            
 5722 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Jim Weaver Collection    



What on earth do the French call French letters?            
Are they really those lambskinny sweaters,                  
With the cute little tip;                                   
Kind of looks like a nip;                                   
For catching the seed of go-getters?                        
                                                            
 5723 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Tutta Gioia              



There once was a fellow from London                         
Who had sex with a blue commerbund on.                      
He found to his liking,                                     
The effect was quite striking,                              
And nicely set off the green condom.                        
                                                            
 5724 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Robert Elliot            



TV ads for condoms are due,                                 
But ad folks just haven't a clue,                           
As they try to devise                                       
How they can advertise                                      
The "sizzle" of a fully dressed screw.                      
                                                            
 5725 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Rick Kaplowitz      P9208



I bought some red condoms last week,                        
Because of sweet Jane and Monique.                          
They both are quite guileless                               
But I want to stay childless.                               
I hope that the condoms don't leak!                         
                                                            
 5726 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Al Willis          TP9804



An upbeat young druggist named Breen,                       
Carried condoms like you've never seen.                     
Broad stripes and clan plaids,                              
Bright stars and Ye Gads!                                   
A paisley in three shades of green.                         
                                                            
 5727 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Frank Ward          P9309



There was an old maid name of Shirley,                      
Who stared at a relic so surly;                             
A balloon in a frame                                        
From a young man who came,                                  
But he left a few moments too early.                        
                                                            
 5728 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Albin Chaplin   3024-1391



A randy you man of Tralee                                   
Was seen buying a packet of three.                          
The priest said "Go back!                                   
And get one more pack,                                      
For my housekeeper, Molly, and me."                         
                                                            
 5729 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        John Fernbank            



I've queried the world far and wide                         
To find me a good latex hide.                               
But Magnum and Maxx? --                                     
Too small for my axe.                                       
Trojan Large? -- Chokes me!, I cried.                       
                                                            
 5730 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        H WHELCHEL               



What's the matter with these horny Greeks?                  
They will tease you with foreplay for weeks,                
Till you beg and you plead                                  
For the full dirty deed,                                    
But they'll never use Trojans, the freaks!                  
                                                            
 5731 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Robin K. Willoughby P9210



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
It's essential to let it fly free.                          
A rubber restriction                                        
Reduces cunt friction,                                      
And that's quite important to me.                           
                                                            
 5732 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Moony              TP9802



Condom makers say now they produce                          
Female condoms to thwart male abuse.                        
Though a girl with protection                               
Can control contraception,                                  
She will not have a fucking excuse.                         
                                                            
 5733 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Al Chaplin          P9405



I've sad recollections of France where                      
A stripper stripped out of her dancewear                    
And asked, "Got protection?"                                
Then I, with dejection,                                     
Said, "Oops...I forgot to bring lancewear."                 
                                                            
 5734 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



Just after their nightly coition,                           
Said Bob, "I must make an admission.                        
My dear, please don't blubber --                            
I forgot my rubber."                                        
(A case of nocturnal omission.)                             
                                                            
 5735 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



To the young folks, the plumber said: "Damn!"               
While I smirked like the toad that I am;                    
"Don't throw condoms away                                   
In a mechanized way;                                        
Kitchen garbage disposer will jam!"                         
                                                            
 5736 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



There was a young fellow named Keith,                       
Who returned from town with a sheath.                       
A young girl named Candy                                    
He found to be dandy,                                       
And sex never does rot your teeth.                          
                                                            
 5737 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        ARG                      



Disposable condoms? You see?                                
Sounds kind of redundant to me.                             
'Cause when you use those,                                  
Of course you dispose...                                    
To keep them is stupidity.                                  
                                                            
 5738 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Wildman             T9801



An insatiable satyr named Pacer                             
Is known as a wild woman-chaser.                            
He's the main cause of myriads                              
Of overdue periods,                                         
For to him, 'rubber' means an eraser.                       
                                                            
 5739 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                            G1701



"It's my fourteenth child, if I bear it,"                   
Said the woman to Doctor, "I swear it."                     
"Well your husband should                                   
Receive a Knighthood!"                                      
"He's got one," she said, "He won't wear it!"               
                                                            
 5740 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



I've sad recollections of France where                      
A stripper stripped out of her dancewear,                   
And asked, "Got protection?"                                
Then I, with dejection                                      
Said, "Oops, I forgot to bring lancewear."                  
                                                            
 5741 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Travis Brasell           



She winked as she smiled and then said,                     
"No problem.  I've condoms, instead!"                       
She then, from her crack,                                   
Pulled out a used pack                                      
And quipped, "Worn last April by Fred."                     
                                                            
 5742 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Travis Brasell           



Or maybe (tee-hee) worn by Clyde,                           
A syphillis patron I tried."                                
I heard as I scurried                                       
Away:  "Don't be worried --                                 
The jizz in these rubbers has dried!"                       
                                                            
 5743 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Travis Brasell           



A quiet young man living in Kent                            
To Boots for some condoms was sent.                         
But not having a clue                                       
Of what they could do,                                      
He just rolled on on backwards and went.                    
                                                            
 5744 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Martyn Midlands          



He told me my body was "yummy",                             
As he laid me down on my tummy.                             
I said to my chum,                                          
"Please use a condom;                                       
I don't want to become a mummy."                            
                                                            
 5745 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



You'll find, if you ever have donned 'em,                   
A "one size fits all" conundrum.                            
Unlike the brassiere,                                       
No length or cup here;                                      
I speak, my dear friends, of the condom.                    
                                                            
 5746 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        H                        



Jill, who was very perceptive,                              
Because she was so disrespective,                           
Didn't ever say yes,                                        
Never cleaned up the mess,                                  
Unless he would use contraceptive!                          
                                                            
 5747 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Domin8r                  



A cautious young husband named Rafe                         
Used to diddle his wife with a safe.                        
Thus he thwarted God's wishes,                              
And fed his pet fishes,                                     
Which he kept in a bedside carafe.                          
                                                            
 5748 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                            L0974



Since most teens despise condoms, the crew                  
At Trojan will try one that's new.                          
To provide an excuse                                        
For its regular use,                                        
It belts out hard rock while they screw.                    
                                                            
 5749 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        A. N. Wilkins       P9304



PROPHYLAXIS, from lexicon's palace,                         
Protection from germs with malice.                          
PROPHYLACTIC's bequeath                                     
To thee latex sheath,                                       
That protects the probing of phallus.                       
                                                            
 5750 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Chris Papa               



We phallus who live here in Texas                           
Are careful to use PROPHYLAXIS.                             
We'll slip on a condom                                      
As we've grown quite fond 'em.                              
We feel that it really protects us.                         
                                                            
 5751 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Gary                     



And woe to the fellow who lacks his,                        
Or installing it, sloppily packs his.                       
For it ain't PROPHYLACTIC.                                  
This tactic will lack stick.                                
I know a smart fellow who tacks his.                        
                                                            
 5752 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Gary                     



When Bonny when faced by a rapist,                          
I insist this event is the safest.                          
You must wear a rubber;                                     
He started to blubber:                                      
"I can't because I'm a papist."                             
                                                            
 5753 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



Join Tids in the used condom racket!                        
Recycle those wee rubber jackets!                           
Put them in a blender,                                      
Press flat, then you'll render                              
Them fit for a chewing gum packet.                          
                                                            
 5754 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



I've spit out my gum in my palm.                            
It does not look like a used condom.                        
It's cinnamon red,                                          
But I look with dread                                       
At the packet where it came from.                           
                                                            
 5755 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



Ingredients too small to read;                              
Some magnification I need.                                  
I still cannot see,                                         
But think there might be                                    
A "recycle" symbol to heed.                                 
                                                            
 5756 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



Examine the packet some more --                             
Ain't Wrigleys ner Beeches for sure.                        
It's something with "X"                                     
Oh, NO!! Ogg Laytex!!                                       
I'm taking it back to the store.                            
                                                            
 5757 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



I've been to the dentist today.                             
He poked in his usual way.                                  
His rubber-gloved hand                                      
Tasted typically bland,                                     
As he perused my state of decay.                            
                                                            
 5758 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



Then just as he laid them aside,                            
He looked at the label and cried,                           
"These gloves aren't Playtex!                               
They're made by Ogg Latex!                                  
I thought they felt squishy inside!"                        
                                                            
 5759 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



I thought that the stuff was a waste                        
But Mabel would beg for a taste.                            
"Oh please get me some                                      
Of Ogg's Latex Gum",                                        
And here I had thought she was chaste.                      
                                                            
 5760 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
I'd rather be hung from a tree.                             
It removes all the passion                                  
When dressed in this fashion.                               
I now rest my case. QED.                                    
                                                            
 5761 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Moony              TP9802



When condoms and bras, you landlubbers,                     
Get tangled in the laundry scrubbers,                       
'Twill be a big mess,                                       
I'd say nonetheless,                                        
For then you will have 'cups and rubbers.'                  
                                                            
 5762 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Travis Brasell           



I've found this fine fact quite perusable,                  
And I've pondered it here feeling musable...                
I was shocked, even so,                                     
To find out that you know                                   
That a condom can be quite reusable.                        
                                                            
 5763 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Jeanie                   



A thoughtless young fellow named Gore                       
Forgot to buy safes at a store.                             
Said his girl, "Why you lubber,                             
This glove made of rubber,                                  
I am sure will be good for five more."                      
                                                            
 5764 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Albin Chaplin   3024-0176



The condom, that whole episode,                             
Erupted as we quietly rode.                                 
She then threw it out,                                      
The brash gadabout,                                         
Now the rubber, no doubt, meets the road!                   
                                                            
 5765 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Al Willis           T9710



My manservant, Petal, is Bob,                               
He lives in that cupboard.  His job                         
Is to stop impregnation                                     
Without hesitation,                                         
On hearing my rubberless knob.                              
                                                            
 5766 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



A maker of condoms was Newsom,                              
And the one he designed was quite gruesome:                 
It seemed strangely confused                                
But was meant to be used                                    
By three people instead of a twosome.                       
                                                            
 5767 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Albin Chaplin 3024  G0710



An elegant erudite Yankee                                   
Kept a condom wrapped up in his hankie --                   
He boyscoutly declared                                      
"I'm always prepared                                        
For sneezes or safe hanky-panky!"                           
                                                            
 5768 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Johnny Randy             



Sighed a sensitive condom named Ron,                        
"I'm put off by the trick and the con:                      
And the ads haven't fibbed                                  
In their saying I'm ribbed;                                 
There's a Scot who keeps putting me on!"                    
(to rib - to put one on, to tease - just checking - McW)    
 5769 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



While shopping for rubbers, young Wise                      
Was asked by the lady, "What size?"                         
He replied, "I'm not sure."                                 
Said the lady demure,                                       
"I will check -- slip your prick in my thighs."             
                                                            
 5770 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Albin Chaplin   3024-2387



So Wise slipped his prick in her twat.                      
"Size seven," she said, and he bought                       
A dozen or two.                                             
Then he told his friend Lew                                 
What a wonderful bargain he got.                            
                                                            
 5771 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Albin Chaplin   3024-2388



So Lew, by the lady unwitting,                              
Was checked, but he blew before quitting.                   
When she asked him how many,                                
Came the answer, "Not any,                                  
I simply came in for a fitting."                            
                                                            
 5772 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Albin Chaplin   3024-2389



In Europe the bureaucrats reign,                            
And their rules are just simply insane.                     
Now they've standardized on                                 
The right size on con-                                      
Dom -- too small for us Brits in the main.                  
                                                            
 5773 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Peter Wilkins            



"We've tested it well," they assert,                        
"On a normal size guy name of Bert."                        
But the silly old fools                                     
With their measuring rules,                                 
Didn't allow for the volume of squirt.                      
                                                            
 5774 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Peter Wilkins            



A fussy young floozie from France                           
Left nothing, but nothing to chance;                        
For fellows who donned 'em,                                 
She'd all kinds of condom --                                
As well as a spare pair of pants.                           
                                                            
 5775 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Norm Storer              



Now little John Joames was a dork,                          
Who thought he'd been brought by the stork.                 
His Pa was no better;                                       
He bought a French letter,                                  
And tested its strength with a fork.                        
                                                            
 5776 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Anon                     



The sergeant major, aptly named Johnson,                    
Had a tool like the arm of Charles Bronson.                 
"Goddammit!" he thought                                     
"Can't fit in these rubbers I bought.                       
I think I'll settle for your mom, son."                     
                                                            
 5777 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Jim Weaver Collection    



Ancient greeks had quite lusty emotions,                    
Which caused population explosions.                         
So fast they conceived                                      
That we're led to believe                                   
They had almost no knowledge of Trojans.                    
                                                            
 5778 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Conch                    



With balloons, one can twist, bend and force                
Shapes of all sorts of creatures, of course;                
But an artist named Fred                                    
Worked with condoms, instead,                               
And constructed a new Trojan Horse!                         
                                                            
 5779 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



A womans desire to be loved                                 
By a strong man lying above,                                
Is tempered by reason                                       
And a strong sense of season,                               
When her lover's pecker is ungloved.                        
                                                            
 5780 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Anthony Tanaka-Burns     



If you came to my place I'd ensure                          
That old Bob would disturb us no more,                      
By locking the cupboard.                                    
But if I'm unrubbered                                       
I promise, my love, I'll withdraw.                          
                                                            
 5781 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                                 



A reporter once asked of a lion:                            
"Is sex all day, fun or just tryin?"                        
"Oh, it's fun, there's no doubt,                            
Hell, I wear myself out!                                    
But these condom bills, Man! I'm just dyin'."               
                                                            
 5782 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Actaeon                  



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
'Cause I never know what I need.                            
They're handy in the car                                    
When you have to drive far,                                 
And you can't afford to stop and go pee.                    
                                                            
 5783 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        K M Smith          TP9802



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
I hang mine up in a tree.                                   
I like to display                                           
All I use in a day,                                         
So all people passing can see!                              
                                                            
 5784 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Possum             TP9802



There was a young fellow named Oram,                        
A model of tact and decorum.                                
When about to fuck Grishkin,                                
He pulled out a fishskin                                    
From the leaves of the Keats variorum.                      
(Varioram - classic text with notes by several people)      
 5785 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS                            L0951



A gent with a condom or three,                              
Met a lass on the streets of Paris.                         
He asked, "Are these needed?"                               
She smiled and conceeded,                                   
"It depends on what's in it for me."                        
                                                            
 5786 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS        Jim Weaver Collection    



With vaginas, always be cautious;                           
The look and the smell make you nauseous.                   
You need never fear,                                        
Doesn't mean that you're queer;                             
Just jump in, but wear your galoshes.                       
                                                            
 5787 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE John Chastaine           



Before you start the next hump,                             
Or on her bones you try to jump,                            
No need to scrub her,                                       
But reach for a rubber.                                     
It is wise to cover your stump.                             
                                                            
 5788 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Jim Weaver Collection    



I hope you will still remember                              
Advice I gave about your member.                            
"Try a new tactic:                                          
A prophylactic,                                             
Now 'fore the flame is an ember!"                           
                                                            
 5789 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Marlene                  



Today with the state of the risks,                          
STD's have risen in our midst,                              
That cannot be treated,                                     
So they should be cheated                                   
By double-bagging our obelisks.                             
                                                            
 5790 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Azul                     



A nervous young lady named Cheryl,                          
Said in bed, when she'd shed her apparel,                   
"I'm sick of you lubbers                                    
Who forget to bring rubbers,                                
So I sure as hell hope that you're sterile."                
                                                            
 5791 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE                     G1642



It's a good way to control                                  
That stuff coming out of your pole.                         
Keep it in check                                            
By golly, by heck;                                          
Birth control should be the final goal.                     
                                                            
 5792 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE                          



If you really want to enamour,                              
Remember the rules of good grammar!                         
But prefix your chubber!                                    
(Forget not the rubber)                                     
Then conjugate! (You know, slam-bam her!)                   
                                                            
 5793 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE                          



Let's not be so IMPETUOUS!                                  
Though ready for the act lecherous,                         
I really believe                                            
No need to conceive.                                        
So why don't a condom you get for us?"                      
                                                            
 5794 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Chris Papa               



My son, some advice I'll bequeath,                          
For fun with less risk of the wreath.                       
Though otherwise bare,                                      
Be careful and wear                                         
A condom's IMPERVIOUS sheath.                               
                                                            
 5795 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Nick                     



"It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy.                           
"Allergic to Earth jizz, my boy.                            
See how its butt                                            
Is swollen tight shut?                                      
Don latex before you deploy!"                               
                                                            
 5796 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE H WHELCHEL               



She reminds me of Annabelle Lovett,                         
Who most of the chaps really covet.                         
She pulled up her dress                                     
But fears SDS,                                              
Crying, "Shove it, but let Lovett glove it!"                
                                                            
 5797 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE RanDog                   



Adlines for condoms are a heap,                             
Some classy and some really cheap.                          
A good one I remember,                                      
Didn't refer to any member,                                 
But simply read 'Look Before You Leap!'                     
                                                            
 5798 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Jim Weaver Collection    



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
Not good environmentally.                                   
So listen, sex-lubbers,                                     
Recycle those rubbers;                                      
Mr Clean will keep them germ-free!                          
                                                            
 5799 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Writerman           T9801



Dusseldorf hosts a fine stock of whores;                    
If enticed, you can sniff 'round their drawers.             
If so, dress your prick                                     
In a condom real thick.                                     
We don't want you returning with sores.                     
                                                            
 5800 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Jack                     



Wear rubbers: be sure that you've donned 'em                
(Your druggist may use the term "condom");                  
They're cheap and they're safe,                             
What's more they don't chafe.                               
And sperm will not spurt out beyond 'em.                    
                                                            
 5801 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Armand E Singer       768



A young woman from Southland-on-Sea,                        
Seduced by a large chimpanzee,                              
Gave it a directive:                                        
"You'll wear this protective                                
And not make a monkey out of me!"                           
                                                            
 5802 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE H. Myer             T9711



After first having strictly apprised                        
My organ, the druggist advised,                             
"You must practice safe sex                                 
And to save you perplex,                                    
These condoms, you see, Sir, comes sized."                  
                                                            
 5803 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Bob Giandomenico    P9509



Your stupid lament left me numb;                            
And gold stars, I'd have given it none.                     
But your Dad should be flamed,                              
Because he's to blame                                       
For not using condoms with your mum.                        
                                                            
 5804 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE                          



There was a young fellow named Grubber,                     
Who went out with a dirty old scrubber.                     
He wisely said, "If                                         
I do not want syph,                                         
When I fuck her I'd best use a rubber."                     
                                                            
 5805 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Alexander Baron          



There's no need to be depressed;                            
Preventing disease can be addressed.                        
To allow safer sex,                                         
Use that good old latex,                                    
While doing the thing you like best!                        
                                                            
 5806 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Kaylin                   



To bed with your lover you go;                              
Be sure that safe sex you both know.                        
No GRAVAMEN later                                           
For baby creator;                                           
Correctly use condom.  Gung-ho!                             
                                                            
 5807 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Elois                    



The dignified lady named Sanger,                            
Rebuffed his suggestion with anger.                         
She required contraception                                  
And VD protection                                           
Before she'd allow him to bang her.                         
                                                            
 5808 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



Take time for your own protection;                          
Slip a hood on that erection.                               
It's so importan'                                           
To cap your horton,                                         
Or you could get a 'staff' infection. (staph? - McW)        
                                                            
 5809 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE                          



A covered tool is always best                               
If you flit around outside your nest.                       
Avoid the odd birth                                         
And the tabloid mirth,                                      
By keeping your seeds all suppressed.                       
                                                            
 5810 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Marlene Lewis            



Since ladies will bat their eyelashes                       
And offer their dripping-wet snatches                       
While you're on the road,                                   
You need in your load                                       
Protection; so take your gamashes.                          
                                                            
 5811 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE                          



Come teach me French by the ocean,                          
The language makes one crave emotion,                       
Oh the waves we can make                                    
When your tongue makes me quake;                            
But you better be wearing your Trojan.                      
                                                            
 5812 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Tiddy Ogg                



"I can't find a girl who will do it,"                       
Said Tommy to Squire Mr Hewitt.                             
"I got those new light                                      
Weight condoms all right,                                   
But the girlies just laugh and say screw it."               
                                                            
 5813 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Peter Wilkins            



"When I was a lad," said the Squire,                        
"Them condoms were thick as a tyre,                         
And heavy as lead,                                          
But the depth of the tread                                  
Was what set the girls all on fire.                         
                                                            
 5814 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Peter Wilkins            



They used to be made of sheep gut.                          
Effective enough, fellows, but                              
It deadened your nerves;                                    
But sheep-shagging pervs                                    
Got double the thrill on a rut.                             
                                                            
 5815 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Tiddy Ogg                



He took the sweet virgin to dine;                           
To seduce her, he started his line.                         
He remembered, "Oh rot!                                     
Any condoms I've not!"                                      
"Here," she said, "use one of mine."                        
                                                            
 5816 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



Said a young man of Novorossisk,                            
"I use vulcanization by Fisk.                               
Of course it comes higher,                                  
But when it's time to retire,                               
You can frisk with a minimal risk."                         
                                                            
 5817 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE                     L0950



Before you should venture to shack her,                     
Or boldly try to attack her,                                
Please don't be a Bubba,                                    
Just reach for a rubba.                                     
You should first put a wrap on your whacker!                
                                                            
 5818 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS ADVICE Al Willis                



A blight left the king's royal purse                        
With but a gold rubber (perverse!)                          
When his wife and child died,                               
His Majesty cried,                                          
"My condom for a hearse."                                   
                                                            
 5819 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL  Writerman                



There was a young fellow called Simon                       
Who for years couldn't pierce his wife's hymen,             
Till he hit on the trick                                    
Of sheathing his prick                                      
In a steel condom studded with diamond.                     
                                                            
 5820 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL                      G1608



There was a young man of Madras                             
Who made a French Safe out of brass.                        
It didn't expand                                            
As fast as his gland,                                       
And he blew out the cheeks of his ass.                      
                                                            
 5821 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL                      G2037



A young knight from the city of London,                     
In the room of a maiden he turned on,                       
But then she said "Ho!                                      
Just stop and go                                            
On with a big iron condom."                                 
                                                            
 5822 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL                           



The problem with all that tin-plate,                        
Is it's such a palaver to mate.                             
When you find a young hussy,                                
Who's flashing her pussy,                                   
By the time you've climbed out, it's too late.              
                                                            
 5823 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL                           



For she is long gone, down the lane.                        
She's boffing some other young swain.                       
And you might hear her cry,                                 
As you wander close by,                                     
"Canned food I can't stand, now then Guy...                 
                                                            
 5824 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL                           



"And give me a look at that dick.                           
It's juicy, I've just got to lick."                         
She's having great fun,                                     
So you might as well run                                    
To your horse, there, and play with his prick.              
                                                            
 5825 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL                           



There once was a machinist from London,                     
Used a grindstone of pure carborundum.                      
Stretching across his bench                                 
To retrieve a big wrench,                                   
He wished he'd been wearing a steel condom.                 
                                                            
 5826 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL  Laurence Craft           



There was a young man up in Utah,                           
Who constructed a condom of pewter.                         
He said, "I confess,                                        
You feel nothing, or less,                                  
But it makes you as safe as a neuter.                       
                                                            
 5827 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL                      L1553



They say it's according to Hoyle.                           
Before you should dipstick her oil,                         
It's OK to tease,                                           
But remember disease,                                       
And be sure to wrap it in foil!                             
                                                            
 5828 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS METAL  Jim Weaver Collection    



A perfectly miraculous new plastic                          
Has been used to perfect this prophylactic.                 
So use without fear,                                        
It's been tested a year                                     
On a profligate, satyrite spastic.                          
                                                            
 5829 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Lost Lims Bar BalladG2186



Since you're the Grocer, just strap                         
On a 14 inch cucumber; wrap                                 
It in cling-film. That way                                  
You can fuck every day                                      
For those porn mags and not get the clap.                   
                                                            
 5830 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER                           



I've had to resort to the bane                              
Of good old polyurethane.                                   
Realiity brand                                              
Can handle my gland;                                        
The six dollar price though -- a pain.                      
                                                            
 5831 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  H WHELCHEL               



Overwhelmed by your spendthrift ways                        
And the amount you are willing to pay,                      
Six dollars a pop.                                          
If we go non-stop,                                          
You'll be broke or dead the next day.                       
                                                            
 5832 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Marlene                  



Venetia, though lusting for Josh, is                        
Allergic to splashes and sploshes,                          
Insisting he wears                                          
Rubber johnnies and pairs                                   
Of incontinence panties and galoshes.                       
                                                            
 5833 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Peter Wilkins            



My wife she does too insist,                                
That my seminal bursts do desist.                           
She covers my cock                                          
With old wooly socks,                                       
And a wader when I am just pissed.                          
                                                            
 5834 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Matt Edwell              



I can tell by the elephants' kissing,                       
And their copious pooping and pissing,                      
That they're planning to mate,                              
Which I think is just great,                                
Except one of my glad bags is missing.                      
                                                            
 5835 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Actaeon                  



Young Josephine thinks it a lark,                           
To be watched having sex in the park.                       
And for evening-time trysts                                 
With her lovers, insists                                    
They wear condoms that glow in the dark.                    
                                                            
 5836 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Peter Wilkins            



I'll give Josephine a wee tip                               
From a friend who I know as Pip:                            
"Coondoms phosphorescent                                    
Will lead to unpleasant                                     
Small creatures, 'cause they're prone to rip."              
                                                            
 5837 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Frank                    



Your friend's a reliable source,                            
'Cause one night on Epsom Race Course,                      
My trusty glow-worm                                         
Was spilling its sperm,                                     
Because I was using the "Force".                            
                                                            
 5838 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  SFA                      



A Roman who hailed from Barundum                            
Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom.                  
His mistress did shout,                                     
As he pulled the thing out:                                 
De gustibus non disputandum!                                
(there is no disputing taste)                               
 5839 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER                      G2250



To a bereaved widow of Barrrientos,                         
Her marital divertimentos                                   
Are so sentimental,                                         
Even things contraceptal--                                  
Old fishskins are dearest mementos.                         
                                                            
 5840 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER                      L0912



Your lust, dear, is really quite wanton,                    
But this talk of flames creates a conundrum.                
How to protect my willie                                    
When we're screwing silly,                                  
I may need an asbestos condom!                              
                                                            
 5841 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Lars                     



At risk to commit apostasy,                                 
The QUONDAM beliefs are lost, I see.                        
Instead of rubber,                                          
Condoms of flubber                                          
Take her to new heights of ecstacy.                         
                                                            
 5842 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Daniel Ford              



From the Crusades these knights brought home                
Strange condoms for a Christian bone;                       
Sheepskins or such                                          
For a fine classy touch,                                    
But leave cheap camel guts alone!                           
                                                            
 5843 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Allen Wolverton          



Why did you do something so drastic                         
Just so you could be orgiastic?                             
You should take more care                                   
When working down there.                                    
Ain't you and your wife heard of plastic?                   
                                                            
 5844 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER                           



A couple in bed in London                                   
Did not think to first buy a condom.                        
With a clear plastic bag                                    
Tied on with a rag,                                         
They made do -- they did it -- it stayed on!                
                                                            
 5845 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Thunderwing              



Polyisoprenes, alias rubbers,                               
Were first worn on the feet of landlubbers.                 
Now they're use to appease                                  
Venereal disease                                            
Much better than pharmaceutical scrubbers.                  
                                                            
 5846 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Jim Weaver Collection    



Abu, a young dapper Afgan,                                  
Has affairs in his mule caravan.                            
Since no condoms exist                                      
In that cold mountain mist,                                 
He makes do with a wrap called Saran.                       
                                                            
 5847 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  The Sailor          P0310



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
Saran Wrap is my cup of tea!                                
I use it just once                                          
In assholes or cunts                                        
Then hang it to dry in a tree.                              
                                                            
 5848 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Oddo von Schlong   TP9802



Said my girlfriend last night, "Dear I wish you             
Would use something stronger than tissue                    
To stifle the squirm                                        
Of your wriggling sperm,                                    
Else I fear we'll be faced with an issue!"                  
                                                            
 5849 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Norm Storer              



In ancient Japan, I hear tell,                              
For condoms they used tortoiseshell.                        
Enjoyment was rare,                                         
Except when the pair                                        
Were masochists; must have been hell.                       
                                                            
 5850 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Tiddy Ogg                



Requiring a condom in Moore,                                
The G.I. rushed into a store.                               
"No, not Durex," he said,                                   
"Give me Pyrex instead --                                   
I got a hot dish out the door."                             
                                                            
 5851 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER  Hugh Oliver         A096A



Young Amy from Sturminster Newton,                          
Whose hot little pussy's a cute 'un,                        
Lies down with her thighs                                   
Spread apart, but the guys                                  
She insists put a Wellington Boot on.                       
                                                            
 5852 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS OTHER                           



Said a prissy young miss of Delaware                        
To her panting young men, "I am well aware                  
You're for contact direct,                                  
But since you're erect,                                     
Put on this, which I make every fella wear."                
                                                            
 5853 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Keith MacMillan     A030B



The erstwhile maid, formerly, QUONDAM,                      
Had many lads -- frequently conned 'em.                     
But you can be sure,                                        
'Twas her practice pure                                     
To always be safe with a condom.                            
                                                            
 5854 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Daniel Ford              



Billy and Jim Bob and Bubba,                                
Are all fond of gals.  Hubba! Hubba!                        
Their kinship is caring,                                    
Their motto is: sharing,                                    
And Tuesday's Jim's turn with the rubba.                    
                                                            
 5855 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Lims For Year - 01       



While cleaning inside of his Lincoln,                       
He spotted the source of the stinkin';                      
A rubber, all spent,                                        
Had been lodged in a vent,                                  
Left there on a night of hard drinkin'.                     
                                                            
 5856 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Cap'n Bean          P9808



"A chapeau is a hat," Frenchy said,                         
"A capeau is a condom in bed.                               
Get the two switched in Paris                               
And it's sure to embarrass,                                 
And your hat will be tight on your head."                   
                                                            
 5857 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Don Moore           P0211



A madam named Kay, of Green Turds,                          
Threw old cundrums out for the birds.                       
When ten thousand collected,                                
Her neighbors objected                                      
In a torrent of four-letter words.                          
                                                            
 5858 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                       G2359



When the nipples we fingered grew spry;                     
When the very first condom -- awry;                         
And our very first her --                                   
Magnificent blur;                                           
How the days of our youth hurry by.                         
                                                            
 5859 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Irving Superior     P9607



She created a wild WILLIWAW,                                
When to her great horror, she saw                           
That her handsome don                                       
Had his condom gone,                                        
When time came for him to withdraw.                         
                                                            
 5860 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Chris Papa               



In the wild, there's no looking back;                       
For a harem, the studs never lack.                          
But the stud farm's main tactic                             
Is a big prophylactic,                                      
So the horse shoots his seed in a sack.                     
                                                            
 5861 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Actaeon                  



Disposable condoms? Not Me!                                 
I use washable ones, and have three                         
They're holey and glow,                                     
But all just for show,                                      
'Cause I've had a vasectomy.                                
                                                            
 5862 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Friar               T9801



A young man embarked on a date,                             
Had PRESCIENCE to anticipate                                
Protection of sorts,                                        
For Love's little sports,                                   
And not leave his chances to fate.                          
                                                            
 5863 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Chris Papa               



He utilized thin latex aids,                                
From motherhood to protect maids,                           
Who also might keep                                         
Bad germs down there, deep,                                 
Like syphilis, clap, and feared AIDS.                       
                                                            
 5864 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Chris Papa               



Such deep foreknowledge or PRESCIENCE                       
Shows great awareness and conscience,                       
For that covered hose                                       
Will save him and Rose                                      
From damnation and excrescence.                             
                                                            
 5865 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Daniel Ford              



She reminds me of Annabelle Lovett                          
Who most of the chaps really covet.                         
She pulled up her dress                                     
But feared SDS                                              
Crying, "Shove it, but let Lovett glove it!"                
                                                            
 5866 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                            



A silly old maid in Penn Yan                                
Once dreamed she was made by a man,                         
Who hopped into bed                                         
With a rubber, she said,                                    
That was clearly stamped "Made in Japan."                   
                                                            
 5867 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Grand Prix Lim  255      



There was a young man of Penzance,                          
Who rogered his three maiden aunts.                         
Though them, he defiled,                                    
He ne'er got them with child,                               
Through using the letters of France.                        
(Published 1870)                                            
 5868 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                       L0952



All the streams that water the lea,                         
Are quite pestilential with pee.                            
But the gallons of sperm,                                   
Spread nary a germ;                                         
In rubber they float to the sea.                            
                                                            
 5869 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                       G1410



At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,                             
Though of love, we are never penurious.                     
Thanks to vulcanized aids,                                  
Though we may die old maids,                                
At least we shall never die curious.                        
                                                            
 5870 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                       L1279



A thrifty old Scot was MacDubbers                           
Who looked like he'd been through the scrubbers.            
He spent nights on the benches                              
Carousing with wenches,                                     
And his days he spent patching his rubbers.                 
                                                            
 5871 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Albin Chaplin   3024-0252



"Disposable condoms? Not me!                                
I find them restrictive, you see...                         
When I've just had a screw,                                 
And then dash to the loo,                                   
I'm still hard and they fill up with pee!"                  
                                                            
 5872 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Friar                    



A co-ed whose thinking was cool,                            
Seduced a young man at her school.                          
To avoid her conception,                                    
And prevent an infection,                                   
A condom was put on his tool.                               
                                                            
 5873 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                            



In Spring, Miss May marries Perse.                          
'Til then, their pash' they disburse,                       
With a thin piece of rubber.                                
There's no need to scrub 'er.                               
Of course, there's no harm to rehearse.                     
                                                            
 5874 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                       L0954



There was a girl named Denise                               
Whose twat, pro hockey did lease.                           
I don't know who taught her,                                
Must be a goal tender's daughter,                           
So many rubbers had passed through her crease.              
                                                            
 5875 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                            



A lecher, decrepit and wizen,                               
Spent much on young gals to BEDIZEN.                        
They loved the old bore,                                    
While he, condom wore,                                      
To make sure their kids weren't his'n.                      
                                                            
 5876 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Chris Papa               



There once was a modern young chick,                        
Who wished above all to be chic.                            
She thought it much neater                                  
(Not to mention discreeter)                                 
To do it with a sheik with a "Sheik."                       
(Sheik - brand of rubber prophylactics)                     
 5877 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                       L0919



When young Jack got it on with sweet Jill,                  
By the well that was up on the hill,                        
On his very last stroke                                     
'Twas his condom that broke,                                
Causing semen, not water, to spill.                         
                                                            
 5878 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Bob Birch           P0208



"This condom is worthless!" yelled Jack,                    
As he handed the unopened pack                              
To the clerk at the store;                                  
"It the same as before,                                     
The package falls out of her crack!"                        
                                                            
 5879 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Travis                   



There once was a handsome Haitian,                          
The luckiest dog in creation.                               
He worked for the rubber trust,                             
Teaching the upper crust                                    
The science of safe copulation.                             
                                                            
 5880 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                       L0930



A slick condom salesman named Gample,                       
Believed he should set an example.                          
To prove his reliance,                                      
He dazzled his clients                                      
By thoroughly testing each sample.                          
                                                            
 5881 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED   Blair Borden             



Young Jesse prepared for a screw,                           
Not wearing one condom but two.                             
His girlfriend did ask:                                     
Why do you that task?                                       
He said: I must wear one for you....                        
                                                            
 5882 BIRTH CONTROL - CONDOMS USED                            



Her spouse was of passionate race,                          
So she kept a coil always in place.                         
But he thought it was better                                
To use a French letter                                      
When the moon was at full--just in case.                    
                                                            
 5883 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                     G1711



A Benningtone student named Grace,                          
Slipped a barbed-wire pessary in place.                     
Her Chinese professor,    (instructor,)                     
Bent down to caress her,  (Frenched rather than fucked her,)
And moaned through cut lips, "I rooz face."                 
                                                            
 5884 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                     G2019



There was a young girl from Hong Kong,                      
Whose cervical cap was a gong.                              
She said with a yell,                                       
As a shot rang the bell,                                    
"I'll give you a ding for a dong."                          
                                                            
 5885 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                     L1438



Test tube baby -- procedure quite new;                      
Some folks welcome, some folks eschew.                      
What have we right here?                                    
Embryo belvedere,                                           
Described as a womb with a view!                            
(Must be a fiberglass diaphragm - McW)                      
 5886 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS Friar                    



Lady Eva of East Birmingham,                                
Got herself in a terrible jam.                              
While out on a bust,                                        
She put too much trust,                                     
In the fit of a friend's diaphragm.                         
                                                            
 5887 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



The strange inter-uterine device,                           
Which many folks think ain't too nice,                      
They say first appears,                                     
Back 2000 years,                                            
In camels.  That made you look twice.                       
                                                            
 5888 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS Tiddy Ogg                



When long desert crossings would loom,                      
A pregnant she-camel spelled doom.                          
This hazard was skirted,                                    
When fellas inserted                                        
Smooth stones in the hump backed beast's womb.              
                                                            
 5889 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS Tiddy Ogg                



A modern young lady named Hall,                             
Attended a birth-control ball.                              
She was loaded with pessaries                               
And other accessories,                                      
But no one asked her at all.                                
                                                            
 5890 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                     L0931



I met a young coed in Bakersfield                           
Who protected herself with a Dacon Shield.                  
While her classmates were stewing                           
She kept right on screwing                                  
Assuming the gadget would make her sealed.                  
                                                            
 5891 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS jemstone            P2006



The safety device that Miss Schott                          
Inserts before sex when she's hot                           
Was popped by Joe Gissing...                                
Now a period is missing,                                    
Which worries them both quite a lot.                        
                                                            
 5892 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS Grand Prix Lim  173      



A young lassie from Highland Park,                          
Treated her exploits as a lark.                             
So many men roamed                                          
Through contraceptual foam,                                 
Her snatch was declared a National Park.                    
                                                            
 5893 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



On honeymoon in these northern plains,                      
With jellies and foams she took pains;                      
He said:  "Where's your pearl necklace;                     
It looks too damn reckless.                                 
To go into that mess without chains!"                       
                                                            
 5894 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



Yes, a bumbershoot just isn't necessary                     
As a sexual pleasure accessory.                             
But a woman who'd care                                      
Not to be Cherie Blair                                      
Had best give some thought to a pessary.                    
                                                            
 5895 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



While a girl was away on a trip,                            
Her diaphragm started to slip.                              
Not content just to suck,                                   
'Cause she wanted to fuck,                                  
She glued it in with Poli-Grip.                             
                                                            
 5896 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



When diffident Milquetoast makes hay,                       
He first kneels to ponder and pray.                         
Then rubber and diaphragm                                   
Protect him and his nervous ma'am,                          
But by then his yen's gone away.                            
                                                            
 5897 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                     G1666



Tea bags are cheap, each grocer has 'em,                    
And they'll catch all the jizz from spasm.                  
Buy the ones with a string,                                 
Or you'll not get the thing,                                
From out of that vagismal chasm.                            
                                                            
 5898 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



I can't believe I've never tried 'em!                       
These bags, are they good when I've dried 'em?              
Or must they be new                                         
To soak up me spew,                                         
And kill all the swimmers inside 'em?                       
                                                            
 5899 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



There was a young girl of penzance                          
Who went to a Birth Control dance,                          
Complete with accessories,                                  
French letters and pessaries,                               
And then had to dance with a nance.                         
                                                            
 5900 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                     G2454



The King gave the press a hot scoop,                        
Advocating a birth control group.                           
"My kingdom to these,                                       
If they use I.U.D.'s,                                       
Which you might say 'is throne for a loop'.                 
                                                            
 5901 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS Bob Giandomenico    P9408



Said a jealous old maid, "Men aren't necess'ry,             
And a penis is just an accessory.                           
For freedom from fear,                                      
And a thrill in the rear,                                   
I'll stick to my old rubber pessary."                       
                                                            
 5902 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS                          



I love the Victoria Sponge,                                 
So much that I've taken the plunge                          
And set up a fixture                                        
For stirring her mixture                                    
And filling her center with gunge.                          
                                                            
 5903 BIRTH CONTROL - DIAPHRAGM/PESS Anon                     



There once was a whore named Sue Fallon,                    
Whose pussy was as sweet as a melon!                        
She kept it so clean                                        
Douching with gasoline,                                     
That she got forty fucks to the gallon!                     
                                                            
 5904 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Laurence Craft           



Said a whore to the doc in Duquesne:                        
"This bastard is hard to explain.                           
I douche and I douche                                       
After every darn poosh--                                    
It must be a damned sturdy strain!"                         
                                                            
 5905 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                             G1655



It seem little Audrey McCassion                             
Made this sage remark about passion,                        
"While banging is fun,                                      
When my fellow is done,                                     
To douching it's time to be dashin'.                        
                                                            
 5906 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Grand Prix Lim  711      



Louis Quinze was both vigorous and huge,                    
And when Pompadour started to douche,                       
The King said with a sigh,                                  
"That's what happens when I                                 
Have been there. APRES MOI, LE DELUGE.                      
                                                            
 5907 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Isaac Asimov             



A lazy young woman name May,                                
Was a torrid but troublesome lay.                           
She was prone to conceive,                                  
So made haste to achieve                                    
A bed with a built-in bidet.                                
                                                            
 5908 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                             L0944



A thoughtless young girl said, "Oh my!                      
My apron is rising quite high.                              
Since I carefully douched                                   
Every time that we pooshed,                                 
I really am wondering why."                                 
                                                            
 5909 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                             G1693



These stories I tell are no joke;                           
On radio they're told by some bloke,                        
And here's one more recent,                                 
And slightly more decent:                                   
Try douching, girls, with Diet Coke.                        
                                                            
 5910 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                                  



The deliciously sexy Miss Pate,                             
Who'd been screwed seven times on a date,                   
Said, "No, I don't mind it--                                
I take life as I find it,                                   
But forgetting my douche bag, I HATE!"                      
                                                            
 5911 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Grand Prix Lim  538 G1702



Now ladies, la douche vinaigrette,                          
Is certainly not a safe bet.                                
So in this position,                                        
Go seek a physician,                                        
And quick; or you may know regret.                          
                                                            
 5912 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                                  



"Fallopian tube dead ahead!"                                
Cried the sperm as he upwardly sped.                        
Then the splosh and the sploosh                             
And the whoosh of a douche,                                 
Swept him downwards and outward instead.                    
                                                            
 5913 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Peter Wilkins            



Poor little sperm, how he tried                             
To keep to his path deep inside.                            
It was too much                                             
When given that flush;                                      
He cried and he cried as he died.                           
                                                            
 5914 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Arden                    



There was a young girl of Claridge's                        
Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is.                
When you stop to think,                                     
I've poured down the sink                                   
Five abortions and fifty miscarriages!"                     
                                                            
 5915 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                             L0920



"Oh No!" said Petunia in tears.                             
Please not the German draft beers.                          
Too cold for my twat;                                       
I want something hot,                                       
Though rum may loosen my gears.                             
                                                            
 5916 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Kathi Webster            



Oh stop, I abhor women's tears.                             
With me, they fall on deaf ears.                            
I'll put rum on your bum,                                   
In the front some alum,                                     
And fuck you till I strip your gears.                       
                                                            
 5917 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         MrMalo                   



On the eve of their date, she did douche,                   
For she knew, in his covered barouche,   (shallow carriage) 
Once out of town,                                           
He would surely go down,                                    
And his pecker, all hard, would debouch.                    
                                                            
 5918 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Cap'n Bean          P9902



The prices they're charging today                           
For douches and jellies and spray,                          
May be too fucking high,                                    
But the chemist knows why;                                  
If it's fucking you want, you must pay.                     
                                                            
 5919 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Albin Chaplin   3024-2338



"Methinks I should have me a douche,"                       
The Queen said to Duchess Lafouche.                         
"Please give me a hand...                                   
Oh, wait, let me stand...                                   
Now, give this old douche bag a pouche!"                    
                                                            
 5920 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                                  



With DESULTORY birth control,                               
You may produce another soul.                               
Eschew fools' advice,                                       
Get tested device.                                          
Fizz colas do not fill the role.                            
                                                            
 5921 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Elois                    



A very nice woman named Jean                                
Thought that sex was impure and unclean.                    
So in case she did wrong,                                   
She would carry along                                       
A portable bathing machine.                                 
                                                            
 5922 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Isaac Asimov             



There was an old whore from Marseilles,                     
Who tried a new rotary spray.                               
Said she, "Ah, that's better--                              
Why here's a French letter                                  
That's been missing since Armistice Day!"                   
                                                            
 5923 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                             L0943



An Arapaho given to screwing                                
Laid a lush tourist dolly from Ewing.                       
As he slowly withdrew,                                      
He said, "Heap good cunt, you.                              
Now douche yourself, babe and quit stewing."                
                                                            
 5924 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                             G0799



Ed, the first time he went to a whore,                      
Saw a rubber bag hung on the door;                          
Then, the twist grabbed his dick,                           
And he shot off so quick                                    
That he still doesn't know what it's for.                   
                                                            
 5925 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Robin K. Willoughby P8710



The toilet I used in Givet                                  
Was designed kind of strange, I would say.                  
The maid was upset;                                         
Her name was Colette.                                       
She said, "It is called a bidet."                           
(Wash the baby in? No, wash the baby out.)                  
 5926 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Al Willis                



A traveling salesman named Strother                         
Claims he never has yet been a father,                      
Unaware that Miss Johnson                                   
In Combined Locks, Wisconsin,                               
Has had twins, since to douche was a bother.                
                                                            
 5927 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE                             G1723



"My Lord", said the wench to her master,                    
"Forgive me but tell not my pastor.                         
I partook in the bollocks                                   
Of a young cook named Pollux,                               
Then purged from the oil of his Castor."                    
                                                            
 5928 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Stiffy Joe          T9707



A precocious young siren named Snider                       
For a douche use a slug of fresh cider.                     
Her pop, in his ire,                                        
Said he had a cash buyer...                                 
Not for cider, but the douche trap insider.                 
                                                            
 5929 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Grand Prix Lim  296      



A countess, immoral and louche,       (devious)             
Took her butler out in the Barouche.  (shallow carriage)    
The dutiful soul                                            
Served a most thorough roll,                                
Then tea and a vinegar douch.                               
                                                            
 5930 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Lucy                     



She was; I remember her well,                               
On account of that vinegar smell.                           
And the douche made her lips                                
Pucker up at the tips,                                      
Causing suction exceedingly swell.                          
                                                            
 5931 BIRTH CONTROL - DOUCHE         Peter Wilkins            



Said the Guru to innocent Jill,                             
"Go on acid and fly, and the pill."                         
When all three failed to work,                              
Little Jill went berserk,                                   
And her Guru bugged out for Brazil.                         
                                                            
 5932 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Pierce Evans             



A family of twenty had Kelly.                               
When asked why, he replied, that's the hell. He             
Came home and was fed,                                      
Then with wife went to bed,                                 
And they spent their time belly to belly.                   
                                                            
 5933 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-1413



A family of twenty had Kelly,                               
For he never used condoms or jelly.                         
When they asked, "What's the score?"                        
He replied, "I'd have more,                                 
But my wife never bathes and is smelly."                    
                                                            
 5934 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-1414



Contraceptives are high priced and this                     
Could result in disruption of bliss.                        
If the cost is too steep,                                   
You'll find rhythm is cheap,                                
But the price will be high if you miss.                     
                                                            
 5935 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-3014



In Monash and Gowrie and Chisolm,                           
People practice the method called rhythm.                   
There are babies in hordes                                  
In the hospital wards,                                      
And creeches are overwhelmed with 'em.                      
                                                            
 5936 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Roger Ley                



Four sets of twins she did give him;                        
Eight babies she has made with him.                         
That poor wornout soul                                      
Needs to learn birth control --                             
Not rely on a method like rhythm!                           
                                                            
 5937 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Kaylin Brandon           



You said rhythm method, you knew it.                        
(But somehow, somewhere, you blew it.)                      
You danced a soft-shoe                                      
And sang me some blues,                                     
And said, "There, I think that should do it!"               
                                                            
 5938 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Ericka                   



In China, so scholars now say,                              
To kill off the sperm, here's one way:                      
Drink cotton seed oil,                                      
Your spunk you will spoil...                                
A great Chinese sperm take-away.                            
                                                            
 5939 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



Her brain is remarkably hollow                              
And her efforts at logic don't follow.                      
Conceiving this demon                                       
Wasted ovum and semen;                                      
Too bad her mom wouldn't swallow.                           
                                                            
 5940 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Sarah Freeman            



The ladder of comfort's next rung,                          
Was reached by Egyptians, who'd bung                        
The lady's vagina                                           
With something much finer:                                  
A dollop of crocodile dung.                                 
                                                            
 5941 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Tiddy Ogg                



I got into bed with Dolores,                                
And her diaphragm proved to be porous.                      
The result of our sins,                                     
Was a fine pair of twins,                                   
Now the birth control people abhor us.                      
                                                            
 5942 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Isaac Asimov             



A president called Gambetta,                                
Once used an imperfect French letter.                       
This was not the worst,                                     
With disease he was cursed,                                 
And he took a long time to get better.                      
(Published 1879)                                            
 5943 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                             L1094



He dated young girls and he conned 'em;                     
He remembered the condoms and donned 'em.                   
But when, somewhat later,                                   
DNA proved him "pater",                                     
He took his belongings and pawned 'em.                      
                                                            
 5944 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         John E Mayhood      P0108



The first chapter was really quite queer                    
And 'twas plagerized boldly, I fear.                        
For he stole line for line                                  
From a true to life sign --                                 
Planned Parenthood: Enter in Rear!                          
                                                            
 5945 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



"I'm still on the pill," said my Kate.                      
We discussed it from morning till late.                     
And then while we rapped,                                   
I think we were zapped                                      
By the old fickle finger of fate.                           
                                                            
 5946 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Jim Weaver Collection    



Making love on the beach was just dandy;                    
As it happened, a condom was handy.                         
But with friction galore                                    
The rubber sheath tore;                                     
The resulting sweet child is called Sandy.                  
                                                            
 5947 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A lady from far Ulan Bater                                  
Said, "I can't think what is the matter.                    
My new contraceptive                                        
Is clearly defective --                                     
I'm growing perceptibly fatter."                            
                                                            
 5948 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



It somehow seems highly ironical                            
That a Londoner laid Miss McGonical,                        
And, having no rubber,                                      
The sex-crazed lubber                                       
Whipped out and inserted his monocle!                       
                                                            
 5949 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                             G0623



A witty philosopher lad                                     
"Drink tea -- won't get pregnant!" he said.                 
When asked by young Gwenn:                                  
"Before?  After?  When?"                                    
The answer came crushing "Instead!"                         
                                                            
 5950 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



I was desolate, sick from my passion,                       
And sought for my need, a wee ration.                       
But don't be distraught,                                    
'Cause I pulled 'fore I shot,                               
And was faithful to you, in my fashion.                     
                                                            
 5951 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



Though the Vatican says, "All it takes                      
Is the will-power to put on the brakes."                    
And we know "Interruptus"                                   
Would never corrupt us,                                     
This conception is prone to mistakes.                       
                                                            
 5952 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Barrie Collins           



To a newly-wed couple in bed                                
A wise doctor is known to have said:                        
"To avoid a papoose                                         
Drink a glass of orange juice --                            
No before or just after -- instead!"                        
                                                            
 5953 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Armand E Singer         3



Said a dumb young girl named Ellie,                         
Who always had babes in her belly,                          
"I need to question                                         
My contraception,                                           
'Cause I always use K-Y jelly."                             
                                                            
 5954 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Tom Patton          P9604



A German girl on the River Rhine,                           
Went out with a Yank for a hell of a time.                  
The rubber broke,                                           
The juice flew out,                                         
And now he's the father of a square-head Kraut.             
                                                            
 5955 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



I have brothers, seven in all                               
And alas, they are all 6 feet tall.                         
I remember when                                             
I could wrestle them in,                                    
But they grew and I stayed small.                           
                                                            
 5956 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Azul                     



What is funny is that one of them,                          
Along with my sister, the gem,                              
Were born betwixt                                           
My son-daughter mix,                                        
So I could be their Mom in theorem.                         
                                                            
 5957 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Azul                     



I have lots of siblings, that's true;                       
In fact, even more than you:                                
Four brothers, plus me,                                     
And six all called she;                                     
So you wonder just what my folks do.                        
                                                            
 5958 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Vlad                     



A very large family had Peaks,                              
And he sat in remorse for some weeks.                       
When asked why, he replied,                                 
"God knows that I've tried,                                 
But the condom I use has some leaks!"                       
                                                            
 5959 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-1420



One needn't be bright or perceptive,                        
To tell that your pitch was deceptive.                      
You can tell from my belly                                  
That this goddamn jelly                                     
Was less that the best contraceptive.                       
                                                            
 5960 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Pierce Evans             



"I never use condoms", he said,                             
"When I take a new girl to my bed.                          
I look after my dong                                        
'Cause my foreskin's so long,                               
I can pull it right over my head."                          
                                                            
 5961 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



"No escaping from this!" I told Jeanie                      
As I carefully covered my weenie.                           
But the damned thing rolled off                             
When we started to boff,                                    
So we've nicknamed the bastard "Houdini"                    
                                                            
 5962 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



In observing the mores of Norfolk,                          
From the rich, upper crust to the poor folk,                
I would say they've agreed                                  
On the obvious need                                         
For continued production of more folk.                      
                                                            
 5963 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Keith MacMillan     A119A



When man fails to grasp his own worth                       
And increases by uncontrolled birth,                        
He will die, I do think,                                    
In a terrible stink,                                        
For there'll be no fresh air on this earth.                 
                                                            
 5964 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-2845



There was a young couple from Kent,                         
Who spent the weekend in a tent.                            
He got an erection,                                         
But had no protection,                                      
So she packed up her bags and went.                         
                                                            
 5965 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Lims For Year - 01       



An heirloom was found by young Lorne,                       
A condom all battered and torn.                             
He said, "Father was dull,                                  
With no brains in his skull,                                
Or I surely would not have been born."                      
                                                            
 5966 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-2166



There was a young man of Cape Horn,                         
Who wished he had never been born.                          
Nor would he have been,                                     
If his parents had seen,                                    
The end of rubber was torn.                                 
(Also A C Swinburne re Linda March)                         
 5967 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Algernon C. Swinburne    



There was a young fellow named Peter,                       
Who was laying his gal with a cheater,                      
When the rubber thing broke,                                
And started to smoke,                                       
From friction with her piss-hole (ureter).                  
                                                            
 5968 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                             L0955



There was a young lady demure,                              
Who messed up her shapely contour,                          
And she sadly did mention                                   
That an ounce of prevention                                 
Would have given her five pounds of cure.                   
                                                            
 5969 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-1409



By the time of their fifth anniversary,                     
Al and Vicky had filled up the nursery.                     
Though they meant to take care --                           
Keep his safes in repair --                                 
Their inspection was frequently cursory.                    
                                                            
 5970 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Thomas A. Quinine   P8308



A gal with a lisp came from Lytham,                         
A Catholic, she had to use rhythm.                          
When her dates tried to mate,                               
'Twas their fate to abate,                                  
"Wait till Thunday to therve me your jithm."                
                                                            
 5971 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



In Monash and Gowrie and Chisholm,                          
People practice the method called rhythm.                   
There are babies in hordes                                  
In the hospital wards,                                      
And creches are overwhelmed with them.                      
                                                            
 5972 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Roger Ley                



You think she'd want me as a Jockey?                        
She may need somebody more cocky.                           
If she's just a hack,                                       
I'll ride her bare-back,                                    
While playing a game of horse-hockey!                       
                                                            
 5973 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



There was a young pessimist, Grotton,                       
Who wished he had ne'er been begotton.                      
Nor would he have been,                                     
But the rubber was thin,                                    
At right at the tip it was rotten.                          
                                                            
 5974 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                             L0918



Dumb Irving and dumber girl, Joy,                           
Lack spermicide, thus they employ                           
Some rubber solution.                                       
The tale's strange conclusion:                              
They now have a fine bouncing boy.                          
                                                            
 5975 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,                          
Who wished he had never been born;                          
So he sat in a chair                                        
Till he died of dispair.                                    
If that damned thing just hadn't been torn...               
                                                            
 5976 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Edwardian Leer 029       



All was quiet, until the McCoys                             
Found a perfect formula for noise:                          
A fertility pill                                            
Plus a trust in God's will,                                 
Equals three extra girls and four boys!                     
                                                            
 5977 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Prof M-G            T9711



An ignorant cowboy from Tuscon                              
Thought it safe to have sex with a noose on,                
But the thing didn't work.                                  
Now he's saddled, poor jerk,                                
With a squaw with a little pappucson.                       
                                                            
 5978 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Keith MacMillan     A015B



I once knew a woman called Gail,                            
Who filled up her pussy with snails,                        
But rather'd use slugs.                                     
"They kill off the bugs,"                                   
She said, "That are left there by males."                   
                                                            
 5979 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



I once went around to her place,                            
Not knowing she did things so base.                         
I gave cunnilingus;                                         
'Twas okay, the thing is:                                   
I'd snail trails all over my face.                          
                                                            
 5980 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



There once was a doctor from Kemp                           
Who said "Birth control is just for wimps.                  
I tell you it's true;                                       
A sharp rock in your shoe,                                  
Almost certainly will make you limp."                       
                                                            
 5981 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Anon                     



A cautious young cockster named Lyle                        
Sought help from those numbers you dial:                    
"Tell me, how can I, maybe,                                 
Keep from having a baby?"                                   
"Try wonderdrug sulfadenial."                               
(lettassalone and noassitol also work)                      
 5982 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Armand E Singer        28



We met in the back of my car;                               
She said "Dear, we can't go too far!"                       
I'm not on the pill                                         
And your taste makes me ill,                                
So I guess that you'd best use this jar.                    
                                                            
 5983 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



A fellow who slept with a whore                             
Used a safe, but his pecker got sore.                       
Said he with chagrin,                                       
"Selling these is a sin."                                   
Said the druggist, "Caveat emptor."                         
(Let the buyer beware)                                      
 5984 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                             L1126



A couple who screwed on the heath,                          
Had trouble applying the sheath.                            
It got torn by the thorn                                    
Of a bitter hawthorn;                                       
The result was a lamer named Keith.                         
                                                            
 5985 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY                                  



Too poor to buy condoms, McCune                             
Used an old ten-cent rubber balloon                         
On the tenth of September.                                  
The new McCune member                                       
Will be born in the middle of June.                         
                                                            
 5986 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         William N Nesbit         



An angry young maiden named Susan                           
Complained that her boyfriend was usin'                     
A stinking old sock                                         
To muffle his cock,                                         
Which she thought neither safe nor amusin'.                 
                                                            
 5987 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Hugh Oliver         A119B



The child of the limerick muses,                            
Entertains and the reader amuses.                           
Such child then gives birth                                 
To some metrical mirth,                                     
Through the rhythm method she uses.                         
                                                            
 5988 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Res Ipsa                 



That "method" will fail, you can bet;                       
A new child you surely will get.                            
When wifey gets hot,                                        
The "method is shot.                                        
We call it Vatican Roulette.                                
                                                            
 5989 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Frank Fazed              



A lad with his life was disgusted                           
And he wished that his dad had not lusted.                  
But it wasn't the lust,                                     
For his dad had his trust                                   
In a rubber so worn that it busted.                         
                                                            
 5990 BIRTH CONTROL - FAULTY         Albin Chaplin   3024-2023



A certain young man of St. Paul,                            
Consistently practiced withdrawal.                          
This quaint predilection                                    
Created such friction,                                      
He soon had no foreskin at all.                             
                                                            
 5991 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN                               L0979



Withdrawal, according to Freud,                             
Is a very good thing to avoid.                              
If practiced each day,                                      
Your balls will decay                                       
To the size of a small adenoid.                             
                                                            
 5992 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN                               L0980



Freud's opinion, said old Dr. Stekel,                       
Isn't worth a Confederate shekel.                           
Withdrawal is fun,                                          
But beware lest the sun,                                    
Should cause the withdrawn parts to freckle.                
                                                            
 5993 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN                               L0981



"Oh don't waste those babies, dear Roger,"                  
Said Joan as she spooned with her lodger.                   
"Too late -- I've just shot 'em                             
A foot up your bottom!"                                     
Said Roger withdrawing his todger.                          
                                                            
 5994 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Peter Wilkins            



Said a naive young lady named Huff,                         
"Avoiding a child is not tough.                             
You'll have good sex for years,                             
Without worry or fears.                                     
Just make sure you don't swallow the stuff.                 
                                                            
 5995 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Al Chaplin          P9702



"Oh, can't we have babies, dear Pete?"                      
Said Joan as she chewed on his meat.                        
"You mean you want poking?                                  
You have to be joking!"                                     
Said Pete as he leapt to his feet.                          
                                                            
 5996 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Peter Wilkins            



"Oh do lets have babies, dear Bert,"                        
Said Joan as she slipped off her skirt.                     
"But have you gone bonkers?                                 
Let go of my conkers!"                                      
Said Bert as he buttoned his shirt.                         
                                                            
 5997 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Peter Wilkins            



Too late, 'cause Joan had his pants off                     
And though Bert said, Trying to scoff,                      
"It's mind over matter."                                    
Ignoring his chatter,                                       
She soon had him down for a boff.                           
                                                            
 5998 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Marlene Lewis            



I finally had Adeline plastered,                            
Her quibbling and delaying all mastered.                    
All my systems said "Go!"                                   
When she hollered, "Oh No!                                  
I forgot my Pill--pull out, you bastard!"                   
                                                            
 5999 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN                               G1706



Cried Onan, his eyes growing misty,                         
As he spewed on his brother's wife, Christie:               
"The Lord in His anger                                      
Yet spares me the langour                                   
Of a long post coitum triste."                              
                                                            
 6000 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Vassar W. Smith     P9304



"You want to have kids, my sweet Mabel?                     
To give you a good sruffing I'm able.                       
But first you must promise                                  
Before you join Mamas,                                      
That the rascal will not bear my label.                     
                                                            
 6001 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Dirruk                   



Three cheers for that lusty guy, Onan --                    
A hero much greater than Conan.                             
He handled his need                                         
By spilling his seed                                        
And avoiding all moanin' and groanin'.                      
                                                            
 6002 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Neal Wilgus         P8207



Screwing Tamar, old Onan was set                            
To pay a prescribed family debt.                            
When the stud withdrew early,                               
He explained it was purely                                  
Because condoms were not devised yet.                       
                                                            
 6003 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           A. N. Wilkins       P9104



It was Timmy's great pleasure to pound                      
His pud till the day he was found                           
By his mother, while at it.                                 
She said, "Now let's chat; it                               
Seems wanton, polluting the ground."                        
                                                            
 6004 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lad named Leo,                            
Who must have pulled out way too slow.                      
Sex secrets they're swapping,                               
The timer's now popping;                                    
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.                    
                                                            
 6005 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Anon                     



Said a passionate girl of St. Paul,                         
"When I think of your pendulous ball,                       
And that member erect,                                      
I get got to connect,                                       
And to hell with preventive withdrawal!"                    
                                                            
 6006 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Keith MacMillan     A067B



A compliant young maid from Timiskaming                     
Discovered much more than a kiss coming.                    
So she forewarned the lout,                                 
He would have to pull out                                   
Just in order, she pleaded, to miss coming.                 
                                                            
 6007 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Hugh Oliver           72d



"Oh give me your babies, dear Fred,"                        
Said Joan as she led him to bed.                            
"My God, you want babies!                                   
I'd rather catch rabies!"                                   
Said Fred as he rapidly fled.                               
                                                            
 6008 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Peter Wilkins            



I have a pet bird I adore                                   
(I think I might buy me one more).                          
I named this one Onan --                                    
He's a kind of a toucan,                                    
And spills his seeds upon the floor.                        
                                                            
 6009 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN                                    



A big running jump, tried yound Sneed                       
To climax his orgiastic deed.                               
He leaped high like a deer                                  
Thus the bedpost to clear,                                  
But he slipped and he spilled all his seed.                 
                                                            
 6010 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Albin Chaplin            



A well-hung young Oglala Sioux                              
Told girls he always withdrew.                              
Those who believed                                          
Very often conceived.                                       
'Twas too long to get out 'fore he blew.                    
                                                            
 6011 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Lim Historical Hyst P9309



Viagra's made me a new man.                                 
Old Lazarus is taking a stand.                              
But I'm home all alone,                                     
Nobody to bone.                                             
I guess I'll just emulate Onan.                             
                                                            
 6012 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN                                    



"Oh God, I want babies, dear Hugh,"                         
Said Joan as they started to screw.                         
"Oh fuck your fixation                                      
For fertilization!"                                         
Said Hugh as he quickly withdrew.                           
                                                            
 6013 BIRTH CONTROL - ONAN           Peter Wilkins            



A nervous and flustered Miss Hewitt                         
Was given advice by Doc Bluett.                             
"Take these birth control pills,                            
Which are not for your ills,                                
But what goes with these pills, will sure do it."           
                                                            
 6014 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Albin Chaplin   3024-1350



There once was a lady of Rhyll                              
Who seemed to have babies at will.                          
When she'd had twenty-eight,                                
She announced (rather late)                                 
"I think I shall go on the pill."                           
                                                            
 6015 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Tom Baker           P8806



A Boy Scout was having his fill                             
Of a Brownie's sweet ass on a hill.                         
"We're prepared; yes, of course,"                           
Said Scoutmaster Gorse,                                     
"My Girl Scouts are all on the Pill."                       
                                                            
 6016 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                               G1657



Amid all the media hype,                                    
A discovery whose time is ripe.                             
Chemists now can distill                                    
A "morning after" pill                                      
For men.  It changes blood type.                            
                                                            
 6017 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Res Ipsa                 



"69 ahh...the start of free love;                           
When men needn't put on a glove,                            
When it came time to drill,                                 
Thanks to that new pill.                                    
Oh, the wonders those chemists think of!                    
                                                            
 6018 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                                    



"I took the damn pill, I insist!"                           
She said this before our great tryst.                       
And then yestermorn,                                        
The baby was born,                                          
With the pill clutched tight in his fist.                   
                                                            
 6019 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man named U Thant                          
Who stated, "The thing that I want                          
Is for Dow to make jelly                                    
To be used 'neath the belly,                                
And the pill should be made by Dupont."                     
                                                            
 6020 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Albin Chaplin 3024  P8202



"Among great liberators," said Lee,                         
"Dr. Gregory Pincus is key.                                 
He devoted his skill                                        
To inventing the pill,                                      
Thereby setting the pubes all free."                        
                                                            
 6021 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           A. N. Wilkins       P8601



Said an anxious young lady named Cox,                       
"On birth-control pills, wish a pox!                        
For some they may work,                                     
But not for this jerk,                                      
They always fall out of my box."                            
                                                            
 6022 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                                    



There once was a lady named Jill                            
Who was supposedly taking the pill.                         
But one day she forgot,                                     
And that's how she got                                      
A bouncing, ten pounder named Bill.                         
                                                            
 6023 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Edwin J Weinstein        



He decided his date's urge to fill,                         
But did little to stop semen spill,                         
Deposited there                                             
Where women kids bear;                                      
FORTUITOUS she took her pill!                               
                                                            
 6024 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Chris Papa               



His brother, instead had red face,                          
Responding to sex urge's race;                              
Found, with great ire,                                      
That she'd stop his fire                                    
With FORTUITOUS pad on that place.                          
                                                            
 6025 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Chris Papa               



There was a young lady from Reading,                        
Who thought only plants were for bedding.                   
But she took to the pill,                                   
And went swiftly downhill,                                  
And nobody danced at her wedding.                           
                                                            
 6026 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                                    



A rebellious young bride from Brazil,                       
Refused to swallow the Pill,                                
Unless smothered in Spam                                    
Or chopped shoulder ham,                                    
After which she always got ill.                             
                                                            
 6027 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Mike O'Conner            



I saw my case worker today,                                 
And I don't believe what she'd say!                         
Oral contraception?                                         
That's doctor's deception.                                  
Who ever got pregnant that way.                             
                                                            
 6028 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                               P8305



Dr. Gregory Pincus, in net,                                 
Left the whole human race in his debt.                      
He devoted his skill                                        
To perfecting The Pill,                                     
Making obsolete rhythm roulette.                            
                                                            
 6029 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           A. N. Wilkins       P8702



Sweet's looking to us for a thrill?                         
I'm not sure that I have the skill.                         
Hey! Let's tell him lies!                                   
See if his brain fries                                      
At: "Oh Dear! I forgot my pill!"                            
                                                            
 6030 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                                    



The E.E.O.C. was perceptive,                                
Making health plans fund for contraceptives,                
Lest the insurance favor                                    
Women in labor,                                             
Against the law equal-protective.                           
                                                            
 6031 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Election 2000            



Annabelle turned beet-red in the face                       
At having been raped.  Such disgrace!                       
Yet although it was terrible                                
It was not quite unbearable;                                
She had taken her pill just in case.                        
                                                            
 6032 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Isaac Asimov             



A young lassie from Bathurst and Queen                      
On the use of the Pill was quite green;                     
"It protects me, they say,                                  
Every time that I lay --                                    
But it keeps falling out, in between!"                      
                                                            
 6033 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Keith MacMillan       58d



A good looking girl, rather stout,                          
Whose knowledge of sex was in doubt,                        
Said "I never will                                          
Use that horrid pill.                                       
The damn thing just keeps falling out!"                     
                                                            
 6034 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Ken Elrod           P8302



There was a young girl from Brazil,                         
Who decided to go on the pill.                              
She had not any fears;                                      
She'd thought of it for years;                              
She felt that she should know all the drill.                
                                                            
 6035 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a nice girl called Lily                      
Who did wondrous things for his willy.                      
He just lost control                                        
And went for her hole;                                      
Just as well she was on the pilly!                          
                                                            
 6036 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                                    



There once was a fellow named Bill                          
Whose girl was afraid of "The Pill."                        
"Twon't make me ecstatic,                                   
But I'm not autocratic;                                     
If you just won't take it, I will!"                         
                                                            
 6037 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Monique de Plume         



Making love is no longer a thrill                           
When my girl keeps forgetting her Pill.                     
The hours seem myriad                                       
Till it's time for her period--                             
If she misses, it's me for Brazil!                          
                                                            
 6038 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                               G1727



A limerick writer named Phil                                
Found insights from taking the Pill.                        
Gulping those of his wife,                                  
He near took his own life,                                  
For now his conceptions were nil.                           
                                                            
 6039 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Tucker D. Ott       P9001



Bill's mouth was a filthy as dirt.                          
His girlfriend--he went up her skirt!                       
"Well, I do love you, Bill,                                 
But I did not take my pill..."                              
On went his pants and his shirt!                            
                                                            
 6040 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Lou Lou Livingston       



A cute dean of women, McSwill,                              
Took the contraceptivity pill.                              
For a lovely semester,                                      
All men could molester;                                     
Her need for resistance was nil.                            
                                                            
 6041 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                                    



With Freedom of Choice, she chose the Pill.                 
The IUD cramps, condoms don't thrill.                       
And ere she detects                                         
The pill's side effects,                                    
On only her back and stomach will.                          
                                                            
 6042 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Irving Superior     P8911



Nymphomaniacal Jill                                         
Refused to go on the pill.                                  
"I'll screw and I'll screw                                  
Till my eyes turn blue,                                     
But I'll not take drugs against my will."                   
                                                            
 6043 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           George Apostol           



A Catholic priest, Father Gill,                             
Exhorted his flock, "Fill the till!                         
Increase population                                         
By more copulation                                          
And less of this use of the pill."                          
                                                            
 6044 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Armand E Singer       966



A great young chef from North Hill                          
Makes Pizzas that give you a thrill.                        
The toppings are great,                                     
Just right for a date;                                      
They include the no-pregnancy pill.                         
                                                            
 6045 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Jim Weaver Collection    



The lady who thought that her girdle                        
Was the reason that she was infertile                       
Left it off, and The Pill,                                  
And gave birth to a Bill,                                   
And a Jane and a John and a Myrtle.                         
                                                            
 6046 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Cyber Geezer             



It seem all was well for old Bill                           
For the night was romantic and still.                       
She was warm, she was waiting,                              
She was ripe for the mating,                                
But alas -- she was not on the pill.                        
                                                            
 6047 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady from Rhyl,                           
Her name it was Jenny or Jill.                              
She's got her a brood                                       
Of kids, 'cause she's lewd,                                 
And refuses to go on the pill.                              
                                                            
 6048 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                                    



Lil is always forgetting The Pill,                          
And those babies she has make me ill.                       
She's great fun in bed--                                    
It's those bastards I dread,                                
For she always socks me with the bill.                      
                                                            
 6049 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                               G1705



There was a young fellow named Phil,                        
Who invented a male birth control pill.                     
"Here's what you do;                                        
Put a stone in your shoe.                                   
If that won't make you limp, nothing will."                 
                                                            
 6050 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Popsicle           TP9807



"Contraception," said Pontiff John Paul,                    
"Is a sin against God, you'll recall;                       
Give our pills a fair trial!                                
Try some SULFADENIAL,                                       
Or if desparate, NOACETOL."                                 
                                                            
 6051 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Ed Potts            P8606



Imagine the wonderful thrill                                
That coursed through young flower-child Lii                 
When she came to believe                                    
That she need not conceive,                                 
Thanks to Parenthood (Planned) and The Pill.                
                                                            
 6052 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Norm Storer              



We all hate being lectured and sermoned;                    
And we're more than ever determined.                        
The 'pill' is all right                                     
And we'll use it in spite                                   
Of Jesse Helms and his clone, Strom Thurmond.               
                                                            
 6053 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Ed Wolfert          P8205



There was a young lady named Kay                            
Who failed to take pills one fine day.                      
In November she knew                                        
That she was way past due,                                  
And she should have been married in May.                    
                                                            
 6054 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL           Albin Chaplin            



There was a young housewife of Rhyll                        
Who decided to try out the Pill.                            
But she took the wrong one--                                
Yeastex--now the bun                                        
In her oven is rising at will.                              
                                                            
 6055 BIRTH CONTROL - PILL                              G1705a



A thoughtless old fellow from Ray,                          
Near the climax of sexual play,                             
Impromptu elected                                           
To be well vasected --                                      
Which caused quite a bit of delay.                          
                                                            
 6056 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Hugh Oliver         A092A



A clumsy young husband named Hadley                         
Did practice withdrawal so badly,                           
That after nine kids,                                       
Her looks on the skids,                                     
His wife cut her tubes and quite gladly.                    
                                                            
 6057 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Armand E Singer       193



The wife of a chronic crusader,                             
Took on every man who waylaid her.                          
'Till the amorous itch                                      
Of this popular bitch,                                      
So annoyed the crusader, he spayed her.                     
                                                            
 6058 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1153



To a doc said his wife, "It's a sin,                        
But I don't want a baby again.                              
To help save our marriage,                                  
Take my baby carriage,                                      
But I still want to keep my play pen."                      
(But still keep the box it came in.)                        
 6059 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                                 



To the vet went a fellow named Nixon --                     
His dog and his cat needed fixin'.                          
He said, "Fix the wife too,                                 
For she has a loose screw,                                  
And her cunt has let too many pricks in."                   
                                                            
 6060 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Albin Chaplin   3024-2212



Good mechanics are all of one mind,                         
That a ball-race is rightly defined                         
As the miserable plight                                     
Of a tomcat in flight,                                      
From a vet two paces behind.                                
                                                            
 6061 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Douglas Catley           



There was a young faggot called Willy,                      
Whose antics were now and then silly.                       
He once had, for fun,                                       
A vasectomy done;                                           
A clear case of 'gelding the lily'.                         
                                                            
 6062 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Kenneth Petchenik        



ANN COOPER HEWITT                                           
I'm only a sterilized heiress,                              
A butt for the laughter of rubes.                           
I'm comely and rich                                         
But a venemous bitch--                                      
My mother--ran off with my tubes.                           
 6063 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1172



Oh, fie on you mother, you dastard!                         
Come back with my feminine toys.                            
Restore my abdomen                                          
And make me a woman--                                       
I want to go out with the boys.                             
                                                            
 6064 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1173



Imagine my stark consternation                              
At feeling a surgeon's rude hands                           
Exploring my person                                         
(Page Aimee McPherson)                                      
And then rudely snatching my glands.                        
                                                            
 6065 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1174



Oh, Fie on you medical monsters!                            
How could you so handle my charms?                          
My bosom is sinking;                                        
My clitoris shrinking--                                     
I need a strong man in my arms!                             
                                                            
 6066 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1175



The butler and second-man snub me,                          
No more will they use my door key.                          
The cook from Samoa                                         
Has spermatozoa--                                           
For others, but never for me.                               
                                                            
 6067 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1176



Oh fie on you fickle men-servants!                          
With your strong predilection to whore.                     
Who cares for paternity?                                    
Forgive my infirmity--                                      
Can't a girl just be fun any more?                          
                                                            
 6068 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1177



What ruling in court can repay me                           
For losing my peas-in-a pod?                                
My joyous fecundity's                                       
Turned to morbundity--                                      
Like Pickford, I'll have to try God.                        
                                                            
 6069 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1178



Oh, fie one you, courthouse and rulings!                    
I want my twin bubbles of jest.                             
Take away my hot flashes,                                   
And menopause rashes,                                       
And let me feel weight on my chest.                         
                                                            
 6070 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L1179



"I recall we had sex, after wine;                           
Now your newly born baby looks fine."                       
"But my vas has been snipped",                              
He convincingly quipped,                                    
"So I'm certain that baby ain't mine".                      
                                                            
 6071 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Cap'n Bean          P0209



Since five tots were all that we needed,                    
"Vasectomy, Trav!" my wife pleaded.                         
So like oranges naveled,                                    
Her bedwomb I saveled;                                      
She's filled now with juice -- but not seeded.              
                                                            
 6072 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Travis Brasell           



Said the minister's bitch, "Come and play!"                 
Said the priest's horney stud, "On my way!"                 
But before they could breed,                                
They who differed in creed,                                 
Agreed with great speed, "Let us spay!"                     
                                                            
 6073 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        John Miller 0025         



Our nation, in midst of great strife,                       
With babies unwanted is rife.                               
ADC, bless their soul,                                      
Is now out of control--                                     
Lorena, start wielding your knife!                          
(ADC - Aid to Dependent Children)                           
 6074 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Al Chaplin          P9404



The Church, after many a try,                               
Has developed a birth-control buy,                          
That's in no way mechanical,                                
Though goddamned satanical;                                 
On the end of the dong, graft an eye.                       
                                                            
 6075 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                                 



A vasectomy, that's what I'll get!                          
Then shacking will be a sure bet.                           
I'll promise quite firm                                     
No issue of sperm                                           
And never a late-monthly sweat!                             
                                                            
 6076 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Larry Wilde         P8212



A eunuch's had certain parts shorn,                         
Thereby causing no child to be born.                        
As Noah once said                                           
As his duos he led,                                         
"Remember, there's no eunuch-horn."                         
                                                            
 6077 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Jane D Hughes       P9203



A sodomite preacher named May                               
Fell hard for his old dapple grey,                          
But lest a fat foal                                         
Might burst from her hole,                                  
Kneeled down and urged, "Now let us spay."                  
                                                            
 6078 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Armand E Singer       671



A tired mom from Schenectady,                               
Said, "Dear, you need a vasectomy.                          
I love copulation,                                          
With one reservation.                                       
The thought of more kids is a hex to me."                   
                                                            
 6079 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        James Charis             



There once was a fellow named Cyril,                        
No children to prove he was virile.                         
His doctor was frank                                        
And told him, "Point blank,"                                
Now Cyril knows why he is sterile.                          
                                                            
 6080 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Irving Superior     P8110



Pug Platt and his wife again played;                        
Behold, what in nine months they've made.                   
A twelfth twerpy tot,                                       
Who popped out the twat                                     
Of Pam, who paid cash to be spayed.                         
                                                            
 6081 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Travis Brasell           



The contemptible Bey of Algiers                             
Was without an erection for years;                          
Yet the chronicles tell us                                  
That the jerk was so jealous                                
He expected his staff to be steers.                         
                                                            
 6082 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



Since having a simple vasectomy,                            
I wonder what women expectomy.                              
I'm totally sterile                                         
And offer no peril;                                         
So why do the girls still objectomy?                        
                                                            
 6083 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Norm Storer              



It happened one day in New York,                            
A fellow trying hard to uncork                              
A lay without risk                                          
Lest his sperm be too brisk:                                
Used a cork-screw, to outwit the stork.                     
                                                            
 6084 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9404



An overpumped housewife named Cass                          
Got sick of wee bairns spawned en masse,                    
So she tied off her tubes,                                  
But it dried up her boobs                                   
And gave her a pain in the ass.                             
                                                            
 6085 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Armand E Singer       101



A vasectomy surgeon named Goff,                             
Says that drinkers would probably scoff,                    
But the pleasure has gone                                   
From his tying one on;                                      
He prefers to be tying one off.                             
                                                            
 6086 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                                 



A husband who craved to be sterile,                         
Because of the pregnancy peril,                             
Said, "I've thought of vasectomy,                           
But my wife might then hector me,                           
And threaten divorce when we quarrel."                      
                                                            
 6087 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY                            L0986



The doc said, "You look like a wreck to me,                 
But first you must write a fat check to me;                 
Now your income forbids                                     
Spawning any more kids,                                     
So I got to demand a vasectomy."                            
                                                            
 6088 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Armand E Singer       694



There once was a fussy old maid                             
Who went and had herself spayed;                            
She said, "Well, I did,                                     
So I won't have a kid,                                      
Just in case I ever get laid.                               
                                                            
 6089 BIRTH CONTROL - SURGURY        Anon                     



There once was a young English tutor;                       
Had a friend who didn't quite suit her.                     
One night very late,                                        
She gave him the gate,                                      
When he bit off the end of her hooter.                      
                                                            
 6090 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Tom Patton          P9804



A pretty strip-teaser named Tasty                           
Used to use a live clam for a pasty.                        
Till working one night,                                     
It tried a small bite,                                      
And found she-food to be mighty tasty.                      
                                                            
 6091 BOOBS - DAMAGED                John Meyer               



The heroine was as meek as a mouse;                         
The villain was seen as a louse.                            
The louse bit the mouse;                                    
She bled on her blouse;                                     
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
 6092 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Andy Sorenson       P9009



There was a young girl from Alsace                          
Who could pick up a dime with her ass.                      
As her muscles contracted                                   
Her chest was retracted,                                    
And her teats both fell off in the grass.                   
(But she dropped it at High Sunday Mass!)                   
 6093 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                    G1974



Some questions (I hope they're not rude)                    
To you ladies who jog in the nude:                          
Do your tits fly around                                     
When you're pounding the ground,                            
If not bandaged together and glued?                         
                                                            
 6094 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



Or do you just let 'em hang free,                           
Whether C-cup or D-cup or E?                                
Would they blacken your eyes                                
On account of their size,                                   
Or just flap at the height of your knee?                    
                                                            
 6095 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



You don't let 'em flap in the air?                          
Then be careful about what you wear                         
When you go for a run;                                      
Jogger's nipple ain't fun,                                  
Though I do have a cure, I declare.                         
                                                            
 6096 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



Now tell me, Doc Pete, what's your cure?                    
For these nipples of mine, so sore.                         
Will I need an x-ray?                                       
Shall I come everyday?                                      
What remedy for this is called for?                         
                                                            
 6097 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



An obese old washwoman named Singer                         
Once caught her big tit in the wringer.                     
Said the sow in the sty,                                    
As the milk squirted by,                                    
"Some boar must have slipped her a dinger!"                 
                                                            
 6098 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                    G2054



There once was a bosom humongous                            
That caused quite a furor among us.                         
We all tried to peek                                        
Until late last week,                                       
When we heard it was caused by a fungus.                    
                                                            
 6099 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Margaret A. Murdock P8302



There once was a girl at the Ritz,                          
Who liked to have men bite her teats.                       
One good Fletcherizer                                       
Made her sadder but wiser,                                  
By chewing them up into bits.                               
(Fletcher preached overmasticating foods)                   
 6100 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                    L1213



A careless young laundress in Wrangle,                      
Got both her tits caught in the mangle.                     
They turned off the juice                                   
While they pried her tits loose,                            
But now, where they dingled, they dangle!                   
                                                            
 6101 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Grand Prix Lim   67 G2067



Unbra'd lovely Erin from Hollis,                            
Said, "Light?" to a teat man named Wallace.                 
Who dropped, all excited,                                   
The match he'd ignited!                                     
No longer will Erin go braless!                             
                                                            
 6102 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



At boobies us geezers must leer,                            
As nature intended it's clear;                              
But gravity tugs                                            
At the juciest jugs,                                        
Imperceptably year upon year.                               
                                                            
 6103 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Peter Wilkins            



So some to the waistline will go,                           
And others still further below;                             
But when they, like, drag                                   
On the ground as they sag,                                  
Even gentlemen don't want to know.                          
                                                            
 6104 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Peter Wilkins            



While putting her clothes through the mangle,               
Poor Josephine got in a tangle;                             
Her nips were rolled flat                                   
And    e   x   t   r   u   d   e   d    (like that).        
Now they flap round her knees as they dangle.               
                                                            
 6105 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Peter Wilkins            



When waistline and trousers don't fit,                      
And wider the whereon we sit.                               
When gone is our lithe                                      
We must contend with                                        
From forward to downward the teat.                          
                                                            
 6106 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Irving Superior     P9701



"Heartburn?" he said to Ms. Dashway,                        
As the barman closed up the cash tray.                      
"You don't have to burn,                                    
You old slattern,                                           
Your tit is in the ashtray!"                                
                                                            
 6107 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Erica                    



The girl at a concert in Reno,                              
Threw her bra to the singer named Dino.                     
"'Twasn't smart", she confessed                             
When her milky white breast                                 
Fell into her hot cappuccino!                               
                                                            
 6108 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



The coroner sliced with great zest                          
Of the corpse which lay prostrate undressed.                
He won honors and fame                                      
For he studied the game --                                  
And he did it by keeping abreast.                           
                                                            
 6109 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2935



If I could put in my two bits,                              
I'd love my own big pair of tits.                           
But a week of fondling.                                     
And sucking and bondling;                                   
They'd be bruised and look like the pits!                   
(bondling - get the ropes...)                               
 6110 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Archie                   



That clever young lady , Miss Pitts,                        
Has uncanny control of her tits.                            
She can swing them around   (But they're starting to droop) 
With a whistling sound,     (As they leak out that goop,)   
Which astounds all the pundits and wits.                    
(Which gives Dow Chem. lawyers the fits.)                   
 6111 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Harald Sanders GreenP9512



I'm worried that this group, collectively,                  
May possibly lose their respect for me,                     
Plus modesty bars                                           
Revealing the scars                                         
That I gained from my double mastectomy.                    
                                                            
 6112 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Karen                    



What, surely you do not mean me?                            
Why, I'm pleasant as pleasant can be!                       
I make no demands                                           
For mammary glands,                                         
Quit nursing before I was three!                            
                                                            
 6113 BOOBS - DAMAGED                John Miller              



Each long, hot day her poor house heats;                    
At night she can't stand even sheets.                       
Stretched out on her back                                   
Her boobs go all slack:                                     
"Good Lord, the heat's melted my teats!"                    
                                                            
 6114 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



In the lands of the icy north west                          
Lived a maid with a dolorous breast;                        
He had one nipple lost --                                   
Bitten off by the frost...                                  
Or so she preferred to protest.                             
                                                            
 6115 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Hugh Oliver          115b



A well-endowed seamstress named Robin,                      
Caught her nipple down under the bobbin.                    
She tugged and she jerked,                                  
But still nothing worked.                                   
Now she has one boob with no knob in!                       
                                                            
 6116 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



There was a young laundress named Springer                  
Who went on to become a singer.                             
She acquired her range                                      
In a manner most strange,                                   
When she caught both her tits in the wringer.               
                                                            
 6117 BOOBS - DAMAGED                MrMalo                   



There once was a fellow named Whipple,                      
Who'd always had only one nipple.                           
On his honeymoon night,                                     
His bride cried out in fright,                              
"God help me!  I married a cripple!"                        
                                                            
 6118 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Graham Lester            



The rest of the story is fate.                              
Their daughter displayed the same trait.                    
So they moved her by force                                  
To Vegas, of course,                                        
Where she got lots of help from the state.                  
                                                            
 6119 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Graham Lester            



For they said, "She's disabled for sure,                    
And it's clear that her prospects are poor,                 
For the kind of display                                     
That makes bucks down our way.                              
She's entitled to at least one more.                        
                                                            
 6120 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Graham Lester            



So they paid for her surgery there                          
And at last she is blessed with a pair.                     
And the one from her op                                     
Can spin round like a top;                                  
A display both rewarding and rare.                          
                                                            
 6121 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Graham Lester            



A distraught young punkette named Pat,                      
Said, "Now what do you think of that?                       
I pierced tonge and ear,                                    
And was of good cheer,                                      
Till a puncture cause my boobs to go flat."                 
                                                            
 6122 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Vertech Limerick Contest 



While shopping for mannequins, Fritz,                       
Found a beauty that tickled his wits.                       
But unfortunately,                                          
When he checked he did see                                  
Someone slobbered all over her tits.                        
                                                            
 6123 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Al Chaplin          P0302



A lady whose name is Tirelli,                               
Has tits made of dynamite jelly.                            
If you take on this dare,                                   
You must fondle with care.                                  
(The detonator's south of her belly.)                       
                                                            
 6124 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



Her breast augumentation from 'A'                           
To size 'F' was a windfall, they say.                       
When things leaked, her friends chided,                     
And soon she decided,                                       
Give her ten mill and flat is OK.                           
                                                            
 6125 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Ann Gasser          P9503



When a customer took a quick nip                            
From a waitress's hovering pip,                             
She cried out in dismay,                                    
"I most fervently pray                                      
That you're planning on leaving the tip!"                   
                                                            
 6126 BOOBS - DAMAGED                Goldie Tusselman    P8302



Now I don't want to sound la de dar,                        
But I have more problem by far.                             
TWO protuding titties                                       
And all of their bitties,                                   
Get quite tangled up in my bra.                             
                                                            
 6127 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



You must keep your titties bra-bound,                       
Since they are so huge, full and round;                     
A minor cup tangle                                          
Will surely not mangle                                      
As bad as when boobs drag the ground.                       
                                                            
 6128 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                         



A sadistic young fellow named Fritz                         
Was fond of biting girls' tits.                             
With a snap and a growl                                     
He would make them all howl --                              
The younger ones sometimes had fits.                        
                                                            
 6129 BOOBS - DAMAGED                                    G2345



A certain young lady, Ms Glitz,                             
Decided to bronz both her tits.                             
Told they'd clang when she'd bang,                          
She said "SHITZ!"                                           
Next week I'm gilding my clitz.                             
                                                            
 6130 BOOBS - DECORATED                                       



At Christmas, the globes on my chest                        
Flash colors to signal the rest                             
Of my sisters in arms,                                      
That all of our charms                                      
Are ready to be put to the test.                            
                                                            
 6131 BOOBS - DECORATED              Wuzzums                  



'Round the tree we will all take our place,                 
Hanging garlands of panties and lace.                       
And painting our titties                                    
Red, green, oh so pretty,                                   
With smiles all aglow on our face.                          
                                                            
 6132 BOOBS - DECORATED              Wuzzums                  



At a night club named Hooters in Tempe,                     
I met a Canadian MP.                                        
He was there to observe                                     
If the lassies that serve                                   
Make their T-shirts keep time with the tempi.               
                                                            
 6133 BOOBS - DECORATED              John E Mayhood      P9805



Her ex drew no buildings or trees,                          
Just buxom nudes if you please.                             
He left in a huff,                                          
Took his clothes and his stuff,                             
But left behind many mammaries.                             
                                                            
 6134 BOOBS - DECORATED              Greg Schindler      P8903



There once was a gorgeous young girl,                       
Who kept the men's heads in a whirl.                        
Her long pubic hair,                                        
Was resilient and fair,                                     
And her nipples were mother-of-pearl.                       
                                                            
 6135 BOOBS - DECORATED              Isaac Asimov             



At a nudist camp, sweet little Lillian,                     
Was slated to lead the cotillion.                           
This made her so proud,                                     
That to shine in the crowd,                                 
She painted her nipples vermillion.                         
                                                            
 6136 BOOBS - DECORATED              Isaac Asimov             



Oft times my sweet gal, Marylou,                            
Will color her boobies bright blue.                         
Though clever with paint,                                   
An artist she ain't;                                        
The damn things still hang quite untrue!                    
                                                            
 6137 BOOBS - DECORATED                                       



A malicious young maiden from Spitz                         
Scared our parson half out of his wits.                     
When he dropped in to call,                                 
She appeared in the hall                                    
With eyes painted on both her big tits.                     
                                                            
 6138 BOOBS - DECORATED                                  G2516



A young woman, once, feeling quite mellow,                  
Had said to her very best fellow,                           
"I'd strip for you, dear,                                   
All the way down to here,                                   
But I've painted my mammaries yellow."                      
                                                            
 6139 BOOBS - DECORATED              Isaac Asimov             



The nipples of Mary from Hamilton,                          
Can bring death with its razor-blade tassle on.             
When she twirls those propellers,                           
Hypnotising the fellers,                                    
If they kiss 'em, then half of their lips are gone.         
                                                            
 6140 BOOBS - DECORATED              Robert Elliot            



A vain Jewish girl named Veronica                           
Requested fine jewelry for Hanukkah:                        
Her dad ruled out rubies                                    
To garnish her boobies,                                     
But okayed a rhinestoned harmonica.                         
                                                            
 6141 BOOBS - DECORATED              Armand E Singer       633



A young woman was really in need;                           
Some fool taught her husband to read.                       
So with 'Bag Balm' in hand,                                 
He's taken a stand,                                         
To make her the directions heed.                            
                                                            
 6142 BOOBS - DECORATED                                       



A stitcher was once heard to scream,                        
"I'll never buy more udder cream."                          
"Put it on udder and teat,"                                 
Hubby said, "This is neat!"                                 
As he chased, in his eye was a gleam!                       
                                                            
 6143 BOOBS - DECORATED                                       



Good loving is almost as fun,                               
As stitching a bird or a sun,                               
And it's really quite rare,                                 
So take up this dare:                                       
Let your man soothe your boobs and be done.                 
                                                            
 6144 BOOBS - DECORATED                                       



A maiden who dwells in Galena,                              
Has bubbies of gracful demeanor,                            
And whenever she preens,                                    
Those astounding poitrines,                                 
She insists upon Simonize Kleener.                          
(poitrine - breast plate)                                   
 6145 BOOBS - DECORATED                                  L1606



A clitoral type from St. Cloud                              
Wrapped both of her tits in a shroud,                       
But left her whole middle                                   
As bare as a fiddle,                                        
Which made her stand out in a crowd.                        
                                                            
 6146 BOOBS - DECORATED              Armand E Singer       201



A gaudy young girl of Pomona                                
Does her act in a sexy kimona;                              
She tastefully ripples                                      
Her tumescent nipples,                                      
With lipstick all 'round the corona.                        
                                                            
 6147 BOOBS - DECORATED              Keith MacMillan      103b



There once was a hussy so brazen,                           
On each breast, a bulls-eye she'd blazon.                   
A lusty outsider                                            
With mecurochrome dyed her;                                 
And she shriveled up like a raisin.                         
                                                            
 6148 BOOBS - DECORATED              M Nelson                 



A young buxom lass from old Spain,                          
Started to adjust her bra in vain.                          
Could he see them some day,                                 
A guy asked in a polite way.                                
"Any old time," she said, "after I am slain."               
                                                            
 6149 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Rohinton Wadia           



The thing about really big knockers,                        
Cheap newspapers use them as shockers.                      
Then old men, my age,                                       
Get a sexual rage,                                          
So then we must take Beta Blockers.                         
                                                            
 6150 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Tony Burrell             



She stepped on the train unaware                            
That her blouse was unbuttoned, poor Claire.                
Now, commuters don't shout,                                 
So we sat and said nowt,                                    
And just stared at her bountiful pair.                      
                                                            
 6151 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Peter Wilkins            



A birdwatcher, Michael O'Leary,                             
Said, "I'll watch till my eyes become bleary.               
Then next door a canary                                     
With a bounteous dairy,                                     
Delights me at nights till I'm weary."                      
                                                            
 6152 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Grand Prix Lim  236      



"Through the doors of the ladies restroom,                  
You peeked at this lady's bazoom."                          
"Judge, she held the door open;                             
Ah din do no gropin'"                                       
The judge said, "Get out mah COATROOM!"                     
                                                            
 6153 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Al Willis                



A woman in strapless attire,                                
Found her breasts working higher and higher.                
A guest with great feeling,                                 
Exclaimed, "How appealing!                                  
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"                         
                                                            
 6154 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                    L0669



The law says I can't go bare-breasted.                      
Why are a gal's boobs so detested?                          
I hate doing laundry,                                       
So here is my quandary:                                     
To wash my clothes or get arrested...                       
                                                            
 6155 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



I like boobs as loose as a slip;                            
Even when they're used as a whip!                           
And when you're on top,                                     
I don't have to stop                                        
And stretch my poor neck to kiss nip.                       
                                                            
 6156 BOOBS - EXPOSED                H Whelchel               



A charming young maid from Don Mills                        
Used to walk about naked for thrills.                       
Said the vicar, I blush                                     
When I look at her brush                                    
But will lift up mine eyes to the hills.                    
                                                            
 6157 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Hugh Oliver           62b



A buxom young lady of Bude                                  
Said, "Men are exceedingly rude.                            
When I bathe in the sea,                                    
They all follow me,                                         
To see if my bosoms protrude."                              
                                                            
 6158 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Prof                     



A youngster, each Sunday, in church                         
On the balcony's edge, made his perch.                      
And for women below                                         
Wearing blouses cut low                                     
During Mass, he'd religiously search.                       
                                                            
 6159 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Cap'n Bean          P9812



I can top that: in New York City                            
As I witnessed a cute little bitty,                         
Way down the alley                                          
Upon a big phally,                                          
And even showed me some titty.                              
                                                            
 6160 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



The Japanese gals have a custom                             
Of baring their titties to thrust 'em                       
Inside of brown sacks,                                      
Then pop 'em with smacks,                                   
To show all the men, they can bust 'em.                     
                                                            
 6161 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Travis Brasell           



The reverend thought they looked frightful.                 
(His assistant thought them delightful)                     
Tits bare to the breeze,                                    
Schlongs down to their knees,                               
Their outlook on life was insightful.                       
                                                            
 6162 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Jim Weaver Collection    



The courts can not always be trusted,                       
In matters of tits being lusted.                            
But this gal got a break                                    
For there was no mistake;                                   
It was clear she'd been already busted.                     
(Case in Harrison, Arkansas, Judge William B Larkin)        
 6163 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Bob Birch           P9902



Prosecution's attack was quite glowing,                     
Defense felt her case he was blowing.                       
So he said to his client,                                   
Who was being compliant,                                    
"You might win if your nipples are showing."                
                                                            
 6164 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Bob Birch           P9902



The judge said, "I order you, wench,                        
To approach and stand here by the bench.                    
If those boobs are for real,                                
Then your case I'll appeal,                                 
But do something about that foul stench.                    
                                                            
 6165 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Bob Birch           P9902



"The complaiant's from a video store,                       
And says you seem prone to ignore                           
Their repeated requests...                                  
(God, look at those breasts.                                
I wonder if she'll show me more?)                           
                                                            
 6166 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Bob Birch           P9902



The bailiff said, "Hear ye, now harken,                     
Here comes Justice William B Larkin,"                       
And in old Arkansaw                                         
What the Judge Larkin saw                                   
Would get your old coon dog a barkin'.                      
                                                            
 6167 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Bob Birch           P9902



To take their milk bath, two old biddies                    
Took gallons away from the kiddies.                         
"Want the milk Pasteurized?"                                
They were asked, they replied,                              
"Oh no, Sir, just up to our titties."                       
                                                            
 6168 BOOBS - EXPOSED                John Dohner         P8712



The waitress made so many spills                            
As she bent to clean, she gave chills.                      
Diners say her valley                                       
And right up her alley,                                     
And almost got lost in the hills.                           
                                                            
 6169 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Shelley                  



When a student named Ben once was rapping                   
On his reason for bra-strap unsnapping,                     
He explained he'd a yen                                     
From his study of Zen                                       
For the sound of one mammary flapping.                      
                                                            
 6170 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.                    
And that's really some pair, love. You're right.            
One is showing the cold                                     
With a nipple quite bold,                                   
But the left one is fairly uptight.                         
                                                            
 6171 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Shakespeares Bro    T9710



The excitement produced by Miss Whipple,                    
Was very much more that a ripple.                           
She was covered with clothes,                               
From her head to her toes,                                  
Save for delicate holes at each nipple.                     
                                                            
 6172 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Isaac Asimov             



A woman named Tammy Louise                                  
Was a very provocative tease.                               
In her blouses, so sheer,                                   
When the view became clear,                                 
Her nipples got hard from the breeze.                       
                                                            
 6173 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Cap'n Bean               



Was chatting with Charlie last night,                       
And I treated him to the sight                              
Of me, sans my shirt.                                       
I just meant to flirt,                                      
But I gave him such a bad fright!                           
                                                            
 6174 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



His poor stomach got so damn queasy                         
And he told me that I was sleazy.                           
He liked it so much,                                        
He wanted to touch                                          
And his breathing got kind of wheezy.                       
                                                            
 6175 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



Said the tits to that lusty guy, Enos,                      
"I hope you'll do naught to demean us.                      
We might be induced,                                        
Or even seduced.                                            
In the meantime, put nothing between us."                   
                                                            
 6176 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Love to feel the wind in my hair,                           
Driving fast, but goin' nowhere                             
On my motorbike;                                            
And sometimes I like                                        
To feel sunshine on my bosoms bare!                         
                                                            
 6177 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Jim Weaver Collection    



On Wednesday the Seattlite                                  
Southbound on I-5 got a sight.                              
On a power pole there,                                      
With her chest very bare,                                   
Was a fire breathing transexual-ite.                        
                                                            
 6178 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



There was a young woman named Joy                           
Who thought it an excellent ploy                            
To drive men to lust                                        
By outthrusting her bust,                                   
While pretending to be pure and coy.                        
                                                            
 6179 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Isaac Asimov             



We cowboys in Texas love tits;                              
Their underexposure's the pits.                             
If you flash them for me,                                   
Reciprocally,                                               
I'll bare my bald driller of slits.                         
                                                            
 6180 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



To Texas if I ever go                                       
Back, I'll be happy to show,                                
These two lovely breasts,                                   
With which I've been blessed.                               
(I've a soft spot for cowboys you know.)                    
                                                            
 6181 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



My trouser-snake stands up and cheers                       
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;                   
But, in charming my cobra,                                  
The bosom with no bra                                       
Can almost reduce it to tears.                              
                                                            
 6182 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Keith H. Peterson        



"Please, rip off my bodice for me!"                         
Barbarians set women free                                   
Of tight clothes like these                                 
With consummate ease --                                     
At least in the books that we see.                          
                                                            
 6183 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



I bought one of those bodice rippers;                       
The book might have been about strippers.                   
Nobody wore clothes                                         
Because, I suppose,                                         
They did not know how to work zippers.                      
                                                            
 6184 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



The mammary glands upon Dee                                 
Are a sight all tit lovers should see.                      
Yes, It's ten thousand pities                               
They can't see her bare titties,                            
Which her husband and me see for free.                      
                                                            
 6185 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Grand Prix Lim  506      



They say that men will not make passes                      
At girls who are wearing thick glasses.                     
Unless they wear mini-skirts,                               
Bra-less see-through shirts,                                
And have most exceptional asses.                            
                                                            
 6186 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Taurus                   



The randy old Mayor of Twin Cities                          
Was confronted by feminist committees.                      
When all 500 bared                                          
Their chests, he declared,                                  
"Good Heavens! A thousand pities!"                          
                                                            
 6187 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Arthur Deex              



A girl from L.A. who was hipped,                            
Went out to the beach to get dipped.                        
She had on a Jantzen,                                       
But only the pants, 'n                                      
She found herself at Sunset, stripped.                      
                                                            
 6188 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



Have you heard that they made it a law?                     
In Toronto you don't need a bra!                            
Both genders may be lewd                                    
With their upper halves nude,                               
But the men all have drool on their jaw.                    
                                                            
 6189 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



The laws on the books for a dame,                           
Are not really all quite the same.                          
Chicks topless if they want,                                
But no tempt, tease, or taunt.                              
You would like it here if you came.                         
                                                            
 6190 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



If you decide to come                                       
We can all have some fun.                                   
Drop me a line                                              
And we'll have a good time,                                 
Bare-breasted under the sun.                                
                                                            
 6191 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



So what if my feet go round bare?                           
(I can't show my boobs, I don't dare!)                      
It ain't quite a law                                        
But it sticks in my craw --                                 
No shirts, no shoes; no service there!                      
                                                            
 6192 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



Forget about rules and arrests,                             
For to live is to show off your breasts.                    
So set free your pair                                       
And don't have a care,                                      
For the law doesn't mind naked chests.                      
                                                            
 6193 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



In my house there isn't a law                               
Against baring your boobs; I adore                          
Them. In fact, dearest kiss,                                
I'd consider it bliss,                                      
If you'd bare just a little bit more.                       
                                                            
 6194 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



The busty display of Miss Bristol                           
Gets the fellows as hot as a pistol.                        
Her plastic bikini                                          
Is terribly weeny,                                          
And her reason's transparent as crystal.                    
                                                            
 6195 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                    G0268



I once knew two sisters whose breasts                       
Were flashed to their wonder-struck guests.                 
A policeman was called                                      
And the young chap, enthralled,                             
Was dazzled and made no arrests.                            
                                                            
 6196 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Anon                     



Delicious!...Quadruple bit breasts!                         
But who, may I ask, of those guests                         
Called in the vice squad?                                   
Which virtuous clod?                                        
A pox on such Puritan pests!                                
                                                            
 6197 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Anon                     



I'll bet it was one of those bores                          
Who live down the street just two doors,                    
Who, if you please,                                         
Sport thirty-two B's,                                       
While the sisters have firm forty-fours.                    
                                                            
 6198 BOOBS - EXPOSED                John Miller              



It could've been Mr. Joe Popper,                            
The guest we saw wanking his whopper.                       
He's partially bi,                                          
And thought it quite sly,                                   
Inviting his boyfriend, the copper.                         
                                                            
 6199 BOOBS - EXPOSED                H Welchel                



I wonder if bulls think like men,                           
And get all aroused, now and then,                          
When udders they see.                                       
(Which don't affect me,)                                    
It's thought that is beyond my ken.                         
                                                            
 6200 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Chris Papa               



Said the five-year-old boy with a wink,                     
To his cousin of twelve, on the brink                       
Of getting the fits:                                        
"Let me look at your tits.                                  
I swear not to laugh if they're pink!"                      
                                                            
 6201 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0310



She had found when they're barely displayed,                
The titties of Kitty McWade,                                
Lure beachcombers for miles.                                
She needs no other wiles                                    
To assure Kitty that she'll be laid...                      
                                                            
 6202 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Grand Prix Lim  130      



In creek waters, take some cool dipples                     
While swigging some muscadine ripples,                      
But do it with hush                                         
'Cause robin or thrush                                      
Might swoop down to peck your hard nipples.                 
                                                            
 6203 BOOBS - EXPOSED                                         



A roving musician called Rubin                              
Liked black coffee, with one sugar cube in;                 
But one night in Bombay,                                    
At a topless cafe,                                          
It was served to him white, with one boob in.               
                                                            
 6204 BOOBS - EXPOSED                Ron Rubin                



Young Debbie went jogging last night                        
In a sports bra exceedingly tight;                          
But the load-bearing strap                                  
Gave one helluva SNAP!                                      
As it finally gave up the fight.                            
                                                            
 6205 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Peter Wilkins            



Such sudden release; no surprise                            
That her tits hit her straight 'tween the eyes              
And rebounded of course                                     
With incredible force,                                      
Before slapping her hard on the thighs.                     
                                                            
 6206 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Peter Wilkins            



An X-rated actress named Rowse                              
Made movies that brought down the house;                    
With actions on-screen                                      
Real close to obscene,                                      
And boobs that popped out of her blouse.                    
                                                            
 6207 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Armand E Singer       169



"Ma, your left tit is out!" exclaimed Willy,                
But Mother said, "Willy, how silly!                         
You must understand                                         
That's a mammary gland."                                    
And Willy said, "Well, it's a dilly!"                       
                                                            
 6208 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Grand Prix Lim  467      



While distributing hosts at the altar,                      
The priest, all exited, did falter;                         
A communicant bent                                          
On the first day of lent,                                   
And her breasts had popped out of her halter.               
                                                            
 6209 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Cap'n Bean          P0207



A young man in high school, Bill Wright,                    
Took his girl to the dance Friday night.                    
As she bent to adjust,                                      
She exposed her left bust;                                  
He could say nothing but, "Hon, sit tight."                 
                                                            
 6210 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Tom Patton  P0109   P0108



The gal was all decked out in lace                          
But then she got red in the face.                           
The lace didn't fit;                                        
It uncovered one tit;                                       
Not a dry handkerchief in the place.                        
                                                            
 6211 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Andy Sorenson       P9009



A girl with big boobs from L.A.                             
Went out in a gown, decollete.                              
She roamed through the city,                                
But out popped a titty.                                     
She ended up looking this    .                              
                          WAY                               
 6212 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Julia Strawn        P8805



Said the ten year old, curious son                          
To his big-bosomed mother, Sue Bonne,                       
When she took off her bra,                                  
One night at the spa:                                       
"Look, Mommy, your wrinkles are gone!"                      
                                                            
 6213 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0310



I saw a girl lying in sand;                                 
Her backside was overly tanned.                             
As she sat bolt upright,                                    
I got a quick sight                                         
Of something some think should be banned.                   
                                                            
 6214 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Macsam                   



A girl while attending Bryn Mawr                            
Was pinched by her low strapless bra,                       
She loosened one wire -                                     
Whereupon the entire                                        
Dress fell, and left her quite raw.                         
                                                            
 6215 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     W S baring-Gould         



Every time Lady Lowbodice swoons,                           
Her bubbies pop out like balloons;                          
But her butler, he stands                                   
And with gentle warm hands,                                 
Replaces her lovely bazooms.                                
                                                            
 6216 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Arthur Deex         P0001



This lady from Troon we once knew                           
Who had bosoms that just grew and grew.                     
The butler was about                                        
And they BOTH sprung out                                    
Now the poor man for black eyes has TWO!                    
                                                            
 6217 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT                              



There once was a lady from Troon                            
Who's bosoms popped out like balloons                       
The butler stood by                                         
And got a black eye                                         
When one rocketed out with the spoon!!!                     
                                                            
 6218 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT                              



Every time Lady Lowbodice swoons,                           
Her boobies pop out like balloons.                          
But her butler stands by                                    
With hauteur in his eye,                                    
And puts them back in with warm spoons.                     
                                                            
 6219 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT                         P0001



A milkmaid addressing her cows,                             
Concluding her speech with some bows.                       
As the buxom thing bent,                                    
Her fabric was rent,                                        
And she utterly fell from her blouse.                       
                                                            
 6220 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT     Jim Thompson             



She stood, one boob out, in the rain;                       
Deep in thought, she was straining her brain.               
Till a passerby's shout:                                    
"Hey, your tit's hanging out!"                              
Drew "Oh shit, Left the kid on the train."                  
                                                            
 6221 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT                              



Whenever it's frosty and cold,                              
Kate's nipples stand outwardly bold;                        
Like hat pegs they are                                      
Through her peek-a-boo bra,                                 
And a wonderful sight to behold!                            
                                                            
 6222 BOOBS - EXPOSED - ACCIDENT                              



A lusty Latino named Cisco                                  
Once went to a new topless disco.                           
Their erotic selection                                      
Provoked an erection                                        
Which extended from Oakland to Frisco.                      
                                                            
 6223 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Pedro J. Saavedra   P8203



On the subway one morning Miss Grimes                       
Hid her charms behind newspaper "Crimes."                   
She was bare to the waist,                                  
But her reasons were chaste;                                
She was keeping abreast of the Times.                       
                                                            
 6224 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Lance Payne         P8312



A duchess who tints her tits green                          
Says, "Fashion rules busts must be seen.                    
Nowadays few men stare                                      
Just because a tit's bare...                                
Hence my recourse to green aniline."                        
                                                            
 6225 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Grand Prix Lim  885      



The women of Wadi Aqiq                                      
Get dressed up at least once a week:                        
With one booby in                                           
And one showing skin --                                     
The call it Arabian Chic.                                   
                                                            
 6226 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Armand E Singer       304



The barmaid's wide-necklined lace blouse!                   
I see boobs near as big as a house!                         
Her plump nipples poke through;                             
Make me blub in my brew;                                    
Blowing foam off the mug like a souse!                      
                                                            
 6227 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Allen Wolverton          



Then behind me, she puffs in my ear;                        
Lifts her skirt; shows what else I hold dear;               
Rubs my neck with her twat.                                 
Man oh Man!  Wet and hot!                                   
Embarassed, I say: "Mums, not here!                         
                                                            
 6228 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Allen Wolverton          



I know what your talking about;                             
In times of a limerick drought,                             
My eyes come to bear                                        
On Betty's brassiere,                                       
In hope she will get her tits out.                          
                                                            
 6229 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     SFA                      



Hot, surely, that bra-busting Betty,                        
Whose patch is the Felixstowe jetty.                        
If so, raise your eyes                                      
For a nasty surprise.                                       
Her boat-race resembles a yeti.                             
                                                            
 6230 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Peter Wilkins            



Now boys, to your good taste I bow-th.                      
So keep your eyes down to the south.                        
When dealing with me,                                       
Your favorite debauchee,                                    
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.                       
                                                            
 6231 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     SFA                      



My dear, when your bra has been lifted,                     
There's never a woman more gifted.                          
But south of this feast,                                    
Your talents are least                                      
'Cause all of your hair has been shifted.                   
                                                            
 6232 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     SFA                      



A hardy young girl name McLouth,                            
While taking a trip through the South,                      
Was accosted by Willy,                                      
A vulgar hillbilly,                                         
So she gave him a bust in the mouth.                        
                                                            
 6233 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0540



At a bar in Japan, GI Frank                                 
Became bolder as more sake he drank.                        
He disclosed with great zest,                               
A tattoo on his chest,                                      
"Take a look at this flag, I'm a Yank!"                     
                                                            
 6234 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Albin Chaplin   3024-2066



This action so brash did not please                         
A buxom young maid, Japanese.                               
She uncovered, nonplussed,                                  
Both her titties robust,                                    
And she said with restraint, "Nipponese!"                   
                                                            
 6235 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Albin Chaplin   3024-2067



An actress who's amply endowed                              
Got roaring applause from the crowd,                        
With a neckline cut low,                                    
On the stage, at the show,                                  
When she deeply and lengthily bowed.                        
                                                            
 6236 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Cap'n Bean               



There was a remarkable stripper                             
Who never had time for a zipper.                            
She'd rip off her dress,                                    
Exposing her breasts,                                       
And wait for the young men to tip her.                      
                                                            
 6237 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     David Young              



To Texas if I ever go,                                      
I will be happy to show                                     
These two lovely breasts,                                   
With which I've been blessed.                               
I've a soft spot for cowboys, you know!                     
                                                            
 6238 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Carol                    



Joanne got her tits out for cash;                           
People then thought she was trash.                          
If you buy her a tipple,                                    
She'll show you a nipple.                                   
Go on, you can give her some bash!                          
                                                            
 6239 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Anon                     



There was a young girl from Bryn Mawr,                      
Who committed a dreadful faux pas.                          
She loosened a stay                                         
In her decollte,                                            
Exposing her je ne sais quoi.                               
(je ne sais quoi - I know not what)                         
 6240 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Anon (Baring-Gold)  L1573



Two elders from Dorpington Down                             
Met a maiden who opened her gown,                           
And showed them her tits,                                   
Which gave them both fits,                                  
And they flip-flopped about in the town.                    
                                                            
 6241 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Norm Storer         P9605



The guys come from near and from far,                       
By bicycle, horse-tram or car.                              
It thrills them to bits                                     
As they look at her tits,                                   
For she uses that hair as a bra.                            
                                                            
 6242 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED                              



A tightrope performer named Tell                            
Was performing his feat very well,                          
When a handsome young woman                                 
Below, bared her bosom.                                     
He looked; he was tempted; he fell.                         
                                                            
 6243 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Laurence Perrine    P8711



I know what you're talking about;                           
In times of a Limerick drought,                             
My eyes come to bear                                        
On Betty's brassiere,                                       
In hopes she will get her tits out.                         
                                                            
 6244 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED                              



What sort of woman was this,                                
To whom you did offer a kiss.                               
If you had offered her nought,                              
Would she've done what she ought,                           
And given you a glimpse of her tits.                        
                                                            
 6245 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED                              



By wearing a quarter-cup bra,                               
And resting her chest on the bar,                           
While pouring me cider,                                     
I vote that young Ida                                       
Should now be considered a star.                            
                                                            
 6246 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Peter Wilkins            



So filled is that quarter-cup bra,                          
Her nipples jut forward so far.                             
I ache for a nibble                                         
And thus tend to dribble                                    
My cider all over the bar.                                  
                                                            
 6247 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Peter Wilkins            



While resting her chest on the bar,                         
She pours me another large jar                              
Of Somerset Cider,                                          
Does lovely young Ida;                                      
A star in her quarter-cup bra.                              
                                                            
 6248 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Peter Wilkins            



I stare at her nipples and bra,                             
While resting my chin on the bar,                           
Which causes a slip                                         
Twixt the cup and my lip                                    
And I've <hic> gone a spilled half of my jar.               
                                                            
 6249 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Peter Wilkins            



Oh, quarter-cup Ida, your bra                               
And nipples are <dribble> they are.                         
I love you <hic> Ida,                                       
But please, no more cider;                                  
There's four of your tits on the bar.                       
                                                            
 6250 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Peter Wilkins            



A fine Scottish lassie from Ayr,                            
She could run just as fast as a hare.                       
When young laddies saw 'er,                                 
They did try to paw her,                                    
'Cause she walked with her breasts loose and bare!          
                                                            
 6251 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     TuttaGioia               



I picture that fair lass from Ayr,                          
Running with free-flowing hair...                           
Her sark's open wide,                                       
Breasts thrusting with pride...                             
Oh God! Let us love! Hear my prayer.                        
                                                            
 6252 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     TuttaGioia               



She must be an eyefull, that chick.                         
Running around stark naked and quick.                       
Turning all the guys heads,                                 
All the way to their beds...                                
Nah...too energetic to pick.                                
                                                            
 6253 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Nik Synytskyy            



Why fool around with your bra?                              
There's a danger you could go too far;                      
Just give in and shout,                                     
And let 'em hang out,                                       
Lest your excellent figure you mar.                         
                                                            
 6254 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED                              



A large lady from Stratford-on-teas                         
Let her titties just hang in the breeze,                    
Until gravitys laws                                         
Have forced wearing bras                                    
That she buckles in back of the knees.                      
                                                            
 6255 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED                              



A stripper called "Cannonball Krause"                       
Would, merely by removing her blouse,                       
Cause erection at hand                                      
Of each spectator and                                       
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
 6256 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Bob Giandomenico    P9009



Ah, you sweet thing in dress so revealing,                  
Is not covering up, nor concealing                          
Her bosom so ample,                                         
So herds of men trample                                     
Each other, while "glances" they're stealing.               
                                                            
 6257 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED                              



The housewife exposed her breasts so;                       
She would set the old plumber aglow.                        
Said the plumber at that,                                   
"I've no time to chew fat,                                  
I have time just to come and to go."                        
                                                            
 6258 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0338



A turgid titwatcher named Bill                              
At a topless bar got his big thrill.                        
Cried he, "A bare gland                                     
Makes my Old Faithful stand...                              
Now to find me a floozie who WILL!"                         
                                                            
 6259 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Grand Prix Lim  661      



Lady Katherine Kimberley Kite                               
Gave parties that were quite a sight.                       
She would bid all her guests                                
Come with bare feet and breasts,                            
To boogie and woogie all night.                             
                                                            
 6260 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Warrick Elrod            



For a pulchritudinous few,                                  
Enron's fall may be the ticket to                           
Fifteen minutes of fame                                     
And some Hollywood games,                                   
When their boobs are put on public view.                    
                                                            
 6261 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Dr Limerick  03-27-02    



There once was a bosomy maid                                
Who danced in a beautiful glade.                            
No clothes did she wear,                                    
And her breasts, I declare,                                 
Left much of the forest in shade.                           
                                                            
 6262 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Tiddy Ogg                



The problem, as many will tell,                             
Is as she grew older they fell.                             
They hung 'round her knees,                                 
And flapped in the breeze,                                  
And trying to walk was pure hell.                           
                                                            
 6263 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Craig                    



Yes, gravity was there all along;                           
Now her breasts aren't where they belong.                   
For she used to be                                          
A thirty-eight D,                                           
And now she's a thirty-eight long.                          
                                                            
 6264 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Thom Fitzpatrick         



An optometrist's nurse (quite a prize)                      
Had breasts of remarkable size.                             
Out of duty, though chaste,                                 
She would strip to the waist                                
To provide quite a sight for sore eyes.                     
                                                            
 6265 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Isaac Asimov             



If well-endowed ain't what you seek,                        
Come kiss me right here on the cheek.                       
If you're not a louse,                                      
I'll open my blouse,                                        
And give you a wee little peek.                             
                                                            
 6266 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Marlene Lewis            



I think you should know that my tipple                      
Requires a very large nipple.                               
'Tis said when I taste,                                     
That south of the waist,                                    
Is triggered a sizeable ripple.                             
                                                            
 6267 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     SFA                      



Erroneous?  Likely that's true.                             
Though I hate to disappoint you.                            
My nipples are small                                        
And would not enthrall,                                     
If you happened to get you a view.                          
                                                            
 6268 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Marlene Lewis            



Small nipples I don't distaste,                             
Especially when satined and laced.                          
After all I have read,                                      
That Frank Zappa said,                                      
That more than a mouthfull's a waste.                       
                                                            
 6269 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     SFA                      



There was a young woman of Brest,                           
Who had a magnificent chest.                                
When asked if she posed                                     
With her nipples exposed,                                   
She said, "Also all of the rest."                           
                                                            
 6270 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Isaac Asimov             



My Love to me said in his way,                              
"Oh please boost your sweet decollete."                     
'Twas mid week, so I knew                                   
It was not a miscue.                                        
Out they came, far from tame, that Wednesday.               
(whip it out, Wednesday)                                    
 6271 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Jenni                    



The looks on his coworker's face.                           
In my car, he caught naught...but a trace!                  
Thus I now have a rep                                       
And my love, he has pep;                                    
All eyes are trained on me...in case!                       
                                                            
 6272 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Jenni                    



There was a young girl from Trieste                         
Who liked to uncover her chest.                             
The gentlemen stared                                        
Whenever she bared,                                         
Though the tits that she had weren't the best.              
                                                            
 6273 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Julia Strawn        P8707



At the gay fellows annual forum,                            
She was chastised for lack of decorum.                      
Not knowing they were gay,                                  
Put her boobs on display;                                   
The sight could do nothing but bore 'em.                    
                                                            
 6274 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Arnie Scnoenbrun    P0310



This lonely young prude from Biarritz                       
Stays at home and despondently sits.                        
She wants but a friend                                      
To help her unbend.                                         
From the window, she shows off her tits.                    
                                                            
 6275 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Al Willis          TP9802



The topless young ladies of Nice                            
Are honored in war and in peace.                            
This national treasure                                      
Which no one can measure,                                   
Brings tourists to Nice without cease.                      
                                                            
 6276 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED                              



The topless waitress showed plenty of skin;                 
She'd dance, she'd jump and she'd spin.                     
If you gave her a dollar,                                   
You'd get hot under the collar,                             
Unless you found drinking a sin!                            
                                                            
 6277 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Arthur Pattaffy          



She knew how to dress, did my Kate.                         
She was hot to trot on a date.                              
Twelve buttons on her dress,                                
With her breasts all compressed.                            
That gal learned to just FASCINATE.                         
                                                            
 6278 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Al Willis          TP9804



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Made men and most animals randy.                            
She wore not a shirt,                                       
And a short see-through skirt,                              
That made most of her goods quite handy!                    
                                                            
 6279 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Preston                           
Who walked through the streets with no vest on.             
Though few of the locals                                    
Adjusted bifocals,                                          
Her baring drew many a guest on.                            
                                                            
 6280 BOOBS - EXPOSED - FLAUNTED     Howard Peach        P9006



Said the bride, just before she undressed,                  
"There's something I should have confessed:                 
To get to the altar,                                        
I padded my halter--                                        
There are falsies where you think there's chest.            
                                                            
 6281 BOOBS - FALSE                                      G2226



"Quite a joke," said the groom, "but don't cry, love.       
I'll give you a laugh you may die of.                       
Your deception will seem                                    
Less important, I ween,                                     
When I tell you what trinkets I'm shy of!"                  
                                                            
 6282 BOOBS - FALSE                                      G2227



Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,                      
Fooled everyone, until an Israeli                           
Squeezed too hard on the pair,                              
Letting out all the air                                     
Of balloons she'd been pumping up daily.                    
                                                            
 6283 BOOBS - FALSE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a real sensation                             
For women whose frontal curvation                           
Is by way of two smallsies;                                 
"Try our genuine falsies,                                   
And beware of a poor imitation."                            
                                                            
 6284 BOOBS - FALSE                  Arthur Deex         P8311



This gal had the mightiest chest,                           
So frequently she was caressed.                             
But guy with sharp nails                                    
Her titties impales;                                        
Big BANG, one goes East and one West.                       
                                                            
 6285 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



Those new Wonder Bras look so nice                          
And they really are worth twice the price.                  
They make girls exude sex,                                  
And in case of ship wrecks,                                 
Can be used as flotation device.                            
                                                            
 6286 BOOBS - FALSE                  Parker Waterman     P0107



The big bosom boom on today                                 
Is a well-paying trend, in a way.                           
The flat-busted, disgusted,                                 
Buy falsies till busted,                                    
So everyone's happy and gay!                                
                                                            
 6287 BOOBS - FALSE                  Grand Prix Lim  812      



A sexy blonde in underwear                                  
Looks better than when she is bare.                         
He boobies are fake                                         
And for her shape's sake,                                   
Her butt's lifted from here to there.                       
                                                            
 6288 BOOBS - FALSE                  Marlene Lewis            



As the elevator left the floor,                             
Sue Ann caught her teats in the door.                       
She yelled a great deal,                                    
But had they been real,                                     
She'd have yelled considerably more.                        
                                                            
 6289 BOOBS - FALSE                  Anon                G2011



A girl who barely had tits,                                 
Got by by just using her wits.                              
The bras she had gotten,                                    
She filled up with cotton                                   
And for nipples, she used cherry pits.                      
                                                            
 6290 BOOBS - FALSE                  Sylvia Honig             



"Are those bountiful mammaries real?"                       
"Of course," she said, "Give them a feel!"                  
He did and discovered                                       
Each titty was blubbered                                    
With five pound of ground beef and veal!                    
                                                            
 6291 BOOBS - FALSE                  Writerman                



A large-breasted girl danced the waltz,                     
While I sat and enjoyed several malts.                      
My eyes were a-popping,                                     
Till her boobs started dropping;                            
It turns out her large breasts were false.                  
                                                            
 6292 BOOBS - FALSE                  Travis Brasel            



A myopic, but amorous rake                                  
Found his paramour's bodice was fake.                       
He peered at her face,                                      
Then exclaimed, "In that case,                              
I have made a most dreadful mistake."                       
                                                            
 6293 BOOBS - FALSE                  Beelzebub                



Whilst swimming at length in the lake,                      
The English girl cried "Heavens sake!                       
I've lost my swimsuit!                                      
It's coiled round my foot!                                  
They'll all see that my tits are fake!"                     
                                                            
 6294 BOOBS - FALSE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A young girl who barely had tits,                           
Just nipples no bigger than zits,                           
Got really flat-busted                                      
'Cause the falsies she trusted,                             
Fell out, and then she had fits.                            
                                                            
 6295 BOOBS - FALSE                  Sylvia Honig             



Now look here, I'm a reasonable chap;                       
I'd have sat through a weeks' worth of yap,                 
Just to feel those tits...ahhhhh.                           
But when I undid her bra,                                   
Her big boobs fell off in my lap!                           
                                                            
 6296 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



A stripper with fiberglass tits                             
Said, "The sure addle customer's wits,                      
But I needed a pair                                         
For the pair I had there                                    
Were nothing but itty tit bits.                             
                                                            
 6297 BOOBS - FALSE                  Gran Prix Lim  362  P9801



There was a young lady of Skye,                             
With a shape like a capital "I".                            
She said, "It's too bad!                                    
But then, I can pad,"                                       
Which shows you that figures can lie.                       
                                                            
 6298 BOOBS - FALSE                  Ethel W. Mumford    P8311



In grandmother's day, in the waltz,                         
You could tell if girls' bosoms were false.                 
Nowadays top and bottom                                     
Are padded with cotton,                                     
With foam-rubber falsies for faults.                        
                                                            
 6299 BOOBS - FALSE                                      G2230



There was a young lady of Lynn,                             
Who was nothing but bones except skin.                      
So she wore a false bust,                                   
In the likewise false trust                                 
That she looked like a lady of sin.                         
                                                            
 6300 BOOBS - FALSE                  W S Baring-Gold          



Of his lady, he was quite enchanted;                        
Of her good points, he frequently ranted.                   
But of many God's gifts,                                    
Were her wonderful tits,                                    
But really, they were only implanted.                       
                                                            
 6301 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



Breast implants will one day, I hope,                       
Be natural, real in their scope;                            
Fake boobs now, by far,                                     
Look like they both are                                     
Two halves of a hard cantaloupe.                            
                                                            
 6302 BOOBS - FALSE                  Travis                   



Madonna's great bosom expanse                               
Caused bulging in new hubby's pants.                        
Removing her bra,                                           
He stood there in awe                                       
Of her silly cone breast implants.                          
                                                            
 6303 BOOBS - FALSE                  Gary Hallock             



"You like them?" said slutty Madonna,                       
"Then take a test drive if you wanna."                      
The neighbors heard groans                                  
As he knocked over cones,                                   
A course not unlike a gymkhana.                             
                                                            
 6304 BOOBS - FALSE                  Gary Hallock             



The boobs on Mae Blount were a sight,                       
And the way they stuck out was a fright.                    
All the boys said, "Ho, Ho!                                 
But the boys didn't know                                    
She put her tits in the drawer at night.                    
                                                            
 6305 BOOBS - FALSE                  Clarence E. Boyle   P8807



Leanne hadn't driven too far,                               
When her bosoms popped out of her bra.                      
They wobbled, pulsated;                                     
Then Whoosh! they inflated,                                 
Like air-bags inside of her car.                            
                                                            
 6306 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



Leanne had the silicone op      (operation)                 
And flew to Miami by hop.                                   
On route they inflated;                                     
The op she then hated;                                      
Because both the damn things went POP!                      
                                                            
 6307 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



There was a young man named Fritz,                          
Who had a preoccupation with tits.                          
What he thought was firm fullsome                           
Turned out to be bullsome.                                  
Said Fritz, "Ain't it the shits!"                           
                                                            
 6308 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



I once met a woman abroad,                                  
Who had a magnificent bod.                                  
But her perfect chest                                       
Left me quite distressed                                    
When I learned it was just a facade.                        
                                                            
 6309 BOOBS - FALSE                  Observer                 



I was bored with the size of my tits,                       
So I thought I'd just add a few bits.                       
Though they're bigger, it's true,                           
And my nipples turned blue,                                 
They sure take your mind off my zits.                       
                                                            
 6310 BOOBS - FALSE                  Roberta J Stewart        



Let's celebrate the day of your breasts,                    
On which my drooling face can rest.                         
As I admire your two nipples,                               
Just pass me the Ripple,                                    
To toast the "A" to "C" cup, no less.                       
                                                            
 6311 BOOBS - FALSE                  Child of the Universe    



While I, with my usual enthusiasm,                          
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,                      
She explained, "They are flat,                              
But think nothing of that--                                 
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm.                 
                                                            
 6312 BOOBS - FALSE                                      L0159



So small is her bosom, Miss Morgan,                         
When using her mid-body organ,                              
With naught there for pawing,                               
Will let them start gnawing                                 
Her falsie constructed of sorghum.                          
                                                            
 6313 BOOBS - FALSE                  Irving Superior     P8303



It grieved poor Matilda like heck to be                     
Receiving a double mastectomy.                              
She fitted a pair                                           
Of wood tits so rare,                                       
But for woodworm, she has to inspectomy.                    
                                                            
 6314 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



There was a young lady named Cilla,                         
Who thought that nothing would fill 'er;                    
To make herself plumper,                                    
She stuffed up her jumper                                   
Two melons wrapped up in a pillow.                          
                                                            
 6315 BOOBS - FALSE                  Anon                     



Do you know why Joe seems so furious?                       
He'd been treated in a manner injurious.                    
He was set for a lark                                       
With a girl in the dark,                                    
And then found her breastworks were spurious.               
                                                            
 6316 BOOBS - FALSE                  Isaac Asimov             



Oh! The truth makes us titwatchers groan,                   
For that lush-breasted gal in Athlone,                      
Whose bust looked unmatchable                               
But both proved detatchable;                                
The dear had no teats of her own.                           
                                                            
 6317 BOOBS - FALSE                                      G0349



Some gals have silicone glands                              
Which feel mighty good in one's hands.                      
With contours real swell,                                   
And so hard to tell,                                        
They won't fill the baby's demands.                         
                                                            
 6318 BOOBS - FALSE                  Chris Papa               



Now girlies, with bust small or big'll,                     
When topless, give fellow a giggle.                         
But those siliconey                                         
Are something quite phoney.                                 
They don't have the same kind of jiggle.                    
                                                            
 6319 BOOBS - FALSE                  Tiddy                    



The falsies that once enhanced Hester                       
Were swiped by a midnight molester.                         
"Where they are," we wonder                                 
And their loss has stunned her,                             
For our Hester is now a flat-chester...                     
                                                            
 6320 BOOBS - FALSE                  Grand Prix Lim  897      



She padded her expenses without fear;                       
Her boss cared not; he liked her near.                      
'Till one night by chance                                   
While seeking romance,                                      
He found she did the same to her brassiere                  
                                                            
 6321 BOOBS - FALSE                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



There was a young woman named Frances,                      
Who decided to better her chances,                          
By cleverly adding                                          
Appropriate padding,                                        
To enlarge all her protuberances.                           
                                                            
 6322 BOOBS - FALSE                  Isaac Asimov             



Our gal Sal thinks her boobs are fantastic                  
And her fanny an eye-catching classic.                      
But the cleavage of Sally                                   
Is a silicone valley,                                       
And her gluteus maximus, plastic.                           
                                                            
 6323 BOOBS - FALSE                  William N Nesbit    P0001



One gal that I knew felt bereft,                            
When her massive tits with much heft,                       
Fell down to the floor,                                     
Then rolled out the door,                                   
And she with a flat chest was left.                         
                                                            
 6324 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



There was a young lady named Clair,                         
Who possessed a magnificent pair.                           
Or that's what I thought,                                   
'Til I saw one get caught,                                  
On a thorn and begin losing air.                            
                                                            
 6325 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



While snorkeling under the seas,                            
I spotted what seemed to be knees                           
With nipples. But lo;                                       
It was only young Jo-                                       
sephine's silicone 44 D's.                                  
                                                            
 6326 BOOBS - FALSE                  Peter Wilkins            



...detached from the front of her chest                     
And bouncing around on the crest                            
Of the waves in the ocean,                                  
In vertical motion...                                       
No wonder she looked so depressed.                          
                                                            
 6327 BOOBS - FALSE                  Peter Wilkins            



Ms Pamela Anderson Lee                                      
Is a babe who's as big as can be.                           
Her silicone valley                                         
Is where I would dally,                                     
If I had a home by the sea.                                 
                                                            
 6328 BOOBS - FALSE                  CeeJay                   



Don't ask me to tell you again                              
How I manage to get all these men:                          
Using powder and paint,                                     
I become what I ain't-                                      
And the silicone makes me a Ten!                            
                                                            
 6329 BOOBS - FALSE                  Norm Storer         P0012



I bought a fine gift for sweet Sally,                       
The slut that I boff in the alley.                          
Her DD tits enfold                                          
My small locket of gold;                                    
It lays there in silicone valley.                           
                                                            
 6330 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



There once was a sailor named Rock                          
Who was fooled by a girl on the dock.                       
She misled the old tar                                      
With socks in her bra,                                      
But he had a sock in his jock.                              
                                                            
 6331 BOOBS - FALSE                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A large-breasted girl danced the waltz,                     
While I sat and enjoyed sev'ral malts.                      
My eyes were a poppin'                                      
'Til boobs started droppin'                                 
It turns out her large breasts were false!                  
                                                            
 6332 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



The neighbor, a flirt name of Burt,                         
Called out, "Hey, Babe! Your boobs are pert!"               
She flipped him the bird                                    
And said, "Ain't you heard?                                 
There's falsies stuffed under my shirt!"                    
                                                            
 6333 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



Some people are totally right;                              
Pam Anderson Lee is a fright.                               
She is such a bitch,                                        
A skank and a skitch,                                       
Whose silicone pops out at night.                           
                                                            
 6334 BOOBS - FALSE                  Crispy                   



Do you really mean to suggest                               
That the one called Jayne King has no chest?                
That curvey young broad                                     
Is naught but a fraud?                                      
Well, come put my orbs to the test.                         
                                                            
 6335 BOOBS - FALSE                  Jayne King               



Will I test your orb? Of course, Jayne,                     
But which ones, you did not make plain.                     
Those orbs of great size                                    
Or did you mean your eyes,                                  
Which I've just noticed and are gray'n'.                    
                                                            
 6336 BOOBS - FALSE                  Archie                   



That indeterminate strange hue;                             
Not green, nor yet grey, but on you                         
The mix I'm not minding.                                    
It is spellbinding.                                         
One more thing to fixate and view!                          
                                                            
 6337 BOOBS - FALSE                  Archie                   



Mastectomy victim Maude Fritz,                              
Whose love life went down to the pits,                      
Prayed long and prayed hard                                 
To Santa and God:                                           
"For Christmas two silicone tits."                          
                                                            
 6338 BOOBS - FALSE                  Armand E Singer       356



A petite young lady named Marge,                            
Said to the doc, "Make them large!"                         
The looks she then got                                      
Were all bothered and hot,                                  
And well worth the bucks she was charged.                   
                                                            
 6339 BOOBS - FALSE                  Jim Hill                 



A wife, with not quite perfect bod,                         
Was eagerly given the nod                                   
For large breast implant.                                   
Said husband, "I can't                                      
Envision this as a facade!"                                 
                                                            
 6340 BOOBS - FALSE                                           



This story concerns Mrs. Schmaltz,                          
Who shouldn't twirl fast in a waltz.                        
Whenever she does,                                          
The room's soon abuzz;                                      
Her titties pull loose, 'cause they're false.               
                                                            
 6341 BOOBS - FALSE                  Armand E Singer       760



Said a new young mother named Whipples,                     
"My brow's fraught with wrinkles and ripples.               
I sense that I'm needing                                    
To cancel breast feeding --                                 
It hurts so when boiling the nipples!"                      
                                                            
 6342 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



I was given a bottle at birth,                              
Which to some, might occasion their mirth;                  
But in truth it's the shits.                                
Being deprived of Mom's tits,                               
Has fostered diminished self worth.                         
                                                            
 6343 BOOBS - FEEDING                Steve Andersen      P0001



And left me profoundly obsessed                             
Devoting my life to the quest                               
Of a nipple to kiss                                         
Which is more than just bliss                               
While I nuzzle and fondle the breast                        
                                                            
 6344 BOOBS - FEEDING                Steve Andersen      P0001



I once imbibed milk at O'Fallon's                           
Bordello from whores whose long talons                      
Would puncture the plugs                                    
Upon their huge jugs,                                       
And out flooded milk by the gallons!                        
                                                            
 6345 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



The dairy bar waitress named Mary                           
Was all out of milk for young Harry.                        
So she stripped her brassiere                               
And said, "Harry, come here,                                
You can get it direct from the dairy."                      
                                                            
 6346 BOOBS - FEEDING                Albin Chaplin   3024-1278



When asked what's my favourite tipple,                      
I have to admit it's the nipple.                            
Lactiferous cum                                             
Just glides to my tum,                                      
With never a splash or a ripple.                            
                                                            
 6347 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



When Nursing, no mother should spare                        
To breast-feed her baby with care;                          
Squeeze nipples real tight,                                 
Shake with all your might,                                  
Then let go to let out the air.                             
                                                            
 6348 BOOBS - FEEDING                Travis Brasell           



A midwife-cum-hooker named Hample,                          
Whose breast milk was overly ample,                         
When queried politely,                                      
Replied almost nightly,                                     
"From one or both boobs take a sample."                     
                                                            
 6349 BOOBS - FEEDING                Armand E Singer       670



It is noted in girls who've been breeding,                  
Who partake in the art of breastfeeding,                    
Are truly the best,                                         
In the game of big chest,                                   
They're a handy bookstand when you're reading!              
                                                            
 6350 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



There was a young lady named Bragg,                         
Who nursed with her breasts that did sag.                   
She left baby alone                                         
And she ran to the phone,                                   
And thus left him holding the bag.                          
                                                            
 6351 BOOBS - FEEDING                Albin Chaplin            



There was a young girl who begat,                           
Three babies named Nat, Tat, and Pat.                       
It was fun in the breeding,                                 
But hell in the feeding;                                    
She found there was no teat for Tat.                        
                                                            
 6352 BOOBS - FEEDING                                    L0913



The mammary glands at their best                            
Do more than adorn a girl's chest:                          
They nourish the children                                   
And (somewhat bewilderin')                                  
Help keep the kids' dad in the nest.                        
                                                            
 6353 BOOBS - FEEDING                Norm Storer              



I can't, I no longer give milk,                             
I'm no longer one of that ilk.                              
I nursed babies three                                       
And between you and me,                                     
That tit cream I used was like silk.                        
                                                            
 6354 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



I remember when I was still nursin',                        
I spent most of my days sadly cursin'.                      
For when I bent down low,                                   
From both nipples did flow                                  
Sticky mother's milk, I was dispersin'.                     
                                                            
 6355 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



My husband enjoyed it, though, see,                         
The way my milk flowed out so free.                         
He nibbled and suckled                                      
Each time that we coupled,                                  
And sometimes used it in his coffee.                        
                                                            
 6356 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



Breast-fed babies are hearty and hale.                      
But this process is strange to the male.                    
What tells babies to tipple --                              
Those bumps 'round the nipple                               
Reading, "Suck her when thirsty", in Braille?               
                                                            
 6357 BOOBS - FEEDING                H Myers            TP9804



A certain young pervert named Whit                          
Said, "Nothing's like milk from a tit;                      
It tastes kind of spoiled,                                  
As if it's been boiled,                                     
But think of the source and the fit."                       
                                                            
 6358 BOOBS - FEEDING                Armand E Singer       668



There was a young lady of Spuzzum,                          
Who harbored two snakes in her bosom.                       
She explained, "It's my fate                                
That I overlactate --                                       
So I just drop them in and they does 'em.                   
                                                            
 6359 BOOBS - FEEDING                Keith MacMillan      104c



A wet-nurse of Portage la Prairie                           
Has a bosom both massive and hairy.                         
Nonetheless, since eighteen,                                
She's provided a clean                                      
And productive and portable dairy.                          
                                                            
 6360 BOOBS - FEEDING                Keith MacMillan       80c



From mothers we fixated so,                                 
Though they merely fed us to grow.                          
We just can't give up,                                      
Both in and out cup;                                        
Breasts provide us pleasure, you know.                      
                                                            
 6361 BOOBS - FEEDING                Chris Papa               



I once knew a girl who had zilch;                           
She lived on the stuff she could filch;                     
Then pregnant she got,                                      
Her tits grew a lot,                                        
So she bottled and sold all her milch.                      
                                                            
 6362 BOOBS - FEEDING                                         



Since the mother of stubborn twin sons,                     
Finds the prospect of weaning them stuns,                   
It remains to be seen                                       
If the two boys will wean,                                  
Or continue to stick to their guns.                         
                                                            
 6363 BOOBS - FEEDING                Jerry Nordal        P0310



Are those bountiful mammaries real?                         
They provide ten sextuplets a meal.                         
Just one nipple's a sin                                     
And a gross waste of skin--                                 
Udder waste--all the dairymen feel.                         
                                                            
 6364 BOOBS - FEEDING                Poet Lariat         T9707



There was a young man of Racine,                            
Who was weaned at the age of sixteen.                       
He said, "I'll admit                                        
There's no milk in the teat,                                
But think of the fun it has been!"                          
                                                            
 6365 BOOBS - FEEDING                                    L1520



I think one day I'd like to go,                             
To mountain tops covered with snow.                         
To solve this omission,                                     
A substitute vision:                                        
Whipped cream on the nipples of Flo.                        
                                                            
 6366 BOOBS - FEEDING                Tiddy Ogg                



The teenager Britney Spears,                                
Has been augmented, so it appears.                          
She grew quite a lot,                                       
And all in one shot,                                        
And all in one spot -- her brassiere!                       
                                                            
 6367 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tom Myers                



This beautiful harlot from Lubies,                          
Won fame for possessing two rubies.                         
It's not big red stones                                     
That makes her so known,                                    
It's the nipples on mountainous boobies!                    
                                                            
 6368 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Laurence Craft           



They say, "More than a mouthful's a waste";                 
"Need's only be big enough to taste";                       
Well for this I'm in luck                                   
For I've not much suck,                                     
But the cream is as thick as toothpaste                     
                                                            
 6369 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



The daughter of Ms. Zazu Pitts                              
Was blessed with the largest of tits.                       
She'd inflate them nightly                                  
Each time larger slightly.                                  
Now her parts are bigger than bits.                         
                                                            
 6370 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tom Patton          P0112



Our topless bartender, Miss West,                           
Serves mixed drinks direct from the breast:                 
The right tit yields cherry,                                
The left one strawberry,                                    
And there's Moxie, by special request.                      
                                                            
 6371 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                   G0485



It appears with the right medication                        
Plus massage, exercise, dedication,                         
I'll provide quite a shock,                                 
When men glimpse down my frock,                             
For my breasts will succumb to inflation.                   
                                                            
 6372 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



A beautiful girl is Ms. Kitz                                
And everyone loves her nice tits.                           
They're beauties, it's true,                                
Expensive ones, too...                                      
She bought them at Charles of the Ritz.                     
                                                            
 6373 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Michael Polo        P8604



There was a young lady from Crewe;                          
Had marvellous tits of bright blue...                       
She loved to display them.                                  
Quite often she'd weigh them...                             
And wore a tight blouse you'd see through.                  
                                                            
 6374 BOOBS - IMPROVED               OgniGioia                



There was Sonia, a very slow learner,                       
And Shirley, a common wage earner.                          
But you might have guessed,                                 
That the girl I liked best                                  
Was Terry, a buxom bra-burner.                              
                                                            
 6375 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



A woman viewed with dejection                               
Her grocer's chicken selection.                             
She thought them too skimpy,                                
Tiny and wimpy,                                             
And requested some sized to perfection.                     
                                                            
 6376 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Res Ipsa                 



The grocer said he'd prepare more,                          
While she shopped for her foodstuffs galore.                
On the P.A. to his guests,                                  
"The woman wanting bigger breasts,                          
Come and meet me in back of the store."                     
                                                            
 6377 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Res Ipsa                 



Poor flat Lynnie the lottery won,                           
So she pumped up her tits just for fun.                     
And now, two weeks post-op,                                 
She's enormous up top;                                      
And at long last, her cups over-run.                        
                                                            
 6378 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



A gal with Dow-Corning implants                             
Said, "They sure enhance customers' pants,                  
But I needed a pair                                         
For the pair I had there                                    
Were concave and stayed still when I'd dance.               
                                                            
 6379 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Arthur Deex         P9801



'Tis a far better thing, and they're pretties,              
Dow ad copy said, sent to cities,                           
You buy one, you get two,                                   
As a woman, you're new.                                     
Just this month we've a sale of two titties.                
                                                            
 6380 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



Weekends are the times that I pop                           
Quite frequently into the shop                              
That's closest to me,                                       
For a peek at Marie                                         
In her skimpy and eye-popping top.                          
                                                            
 6381 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



It's not that I'm aiming to see                             
Much more of the lovely Marie;                              
It is just the defiance                                     
Of physical science                                         
That's hugely intriguing to me.                             
                                                            
 6382 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



Defiance of science?  Why yes;                              
I'm trying to figure the stress                             
That's caused by her bust                                   
And her nipples when thrust                                 
Into such a diminutive dress.                               
                                                            
 6383 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



Great engineers figured the stresses                        
Involved in the making of dresses,                          
To give such enclosure.                                     
But hands-on exposure                                       
Resulted in much sticky messes.                             
                                                            
 6384 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



The woman gave her doc a request                            
To enlarge the size of her breast.                          
With the increase in size,                                  
She could capitalize                                        
And have fun in a life with more zest.                      
                                                            
 6385 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Edwin J Weinstein        



There was an old actress named Madden                       
Whose boobs were fleshed out with foam paddin';             
This mild subterfuge,                                       
Which made them look huge,                                  
Caused hearts in her fan clubs to gladden.                  
                                                            
 6386 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Armand E Singer       831



Accountants most always imply                               
That figures do not ever lie,                               
But if a girl' bust                                         
Does not inspire lust,                                      
Mr. Fredericks can sure amplify.                            
(Fredericks of Hollywood)                                   
 6387 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a woebegone starlet named Saxe                      
Who told mother she'd just got the axe,                     
"I'm a failure at cinema                                    
For they claim I'm too skinny, ma --                        
Though I've pumped both my boobs full of wax."              
                                                            
 6388 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Armand E Singer       733



There was a young lady, flat-chested,                       
Who thought her physique was detested.                      
So she saved a few bits,                                    
And bought some new tits,                                   
And for showing them off, got arrested.                     
                                                            
 6389 BOOBS - IMPROVED               WhlCat                   



A young girl, through her exercises,                        
Increased her breasts nearly twelve sizes.                  
At the start they were small,                               
Hardly bulges at all,                                       
But now they're so huge they win prizes.                    
                                                            
 6390 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



A buxom young woman named Bess                              
Wins board games from scrabble to chess;                    
She confuses her foe                                        
By appearing to grow                                        
Her tits, till they burst under stress!                     
                                                            
 6391 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Mark Levy           P9511



Are those bountiful mammaries real?                         
He asked with unusual zeal.                                 
His dick started to rise                                    
But then got the surprise;                                  
When he felt them, they're harder than steel!               
                                                            
 6392 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Doug from Upland    T9707



Big tits and small tits I've sucked;                        
And all sizes of nipples I've plucked.                      
Can't say size is a measure                                 
To give maximum pleasure;                                   
It's the way how the bearer had fucked.                     
                                                            
 6393 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



She kept her boobs stored in the fridge,                    
Which frequently gave her a twidge                          
Of code in her dose,                                        
And chills head to toes,                                    
When she wore them out to play bridge.                      
                                                            
 6394 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



Pneumatic drill in his hand,                                
Paddy came right to a stand,                                
At the sight of his Kate                                    
With her oddly vibrat-                                      
ing left mammammammamary gland.                             
                                                            
 6395 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady named Schmitz,                       
Who wanted to augment her tits.                             
Her boobs were so loaded,                                   
The left one exploded;                                      
The right one pops out when she sits.                       
                                                            
 6396 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Popsicle           TP9807



I don't mean to be bombasty,                                
To most men I stand contrasty.                              
D. Parton's conely                                          
Appeals to me only                                          
With reduction mammoplasty.                                 
                                                            
 6397 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Daniel Ford              



Beware of the man-eating mams --                            
You're taking your life in your hands.                      
That echoing cleave-                                        
Age still grip and then heave,                              
And pull you clean out of your jams.                        
                                                            
 6398 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Lucy                     



You'll end up a tragical stat --                            
Missing, thought dead, and that's that.                     
Your pic on milk carton                                     
Just 'cause of a hard-on;                                   
Up-chewed, you poor thing, and out-spat.                    
                                                            
 6399 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Lucy                     



Once said a young fellow named Bill,                        
Who took daily the birth control pill.                      
It's all covered, man,                                      
With my medical plan,                                       
And I've grown tits to play with at will.                   
                                                            
 6400 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Phil T                   



The lady wore under her dress,                              
A tupperware bra on her chest.                              
It didn't fit great                                         
Or lift and separate,                                       
But it kept what she had, nice and fresh.                   
                                                            
 6401 BOOBS - IMPROVED               VOL 7                    



I had a big bust in me mooth;                               
'Twas Jayne's, from Scotland's deep sooth.                  
The tastiest bit --                                         
She'd coated the nip                                        
With chocolate for me sweet tooth.                          
                                                            
 6402 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tutta Gioia              



The left one was chocky for you,                            
Clotted cream on the right for me too.                      
From Cornwall to Devon,                                     
I'd be in heaven,                                           
With a pink perky bit poking through.                       
                                                            
 6403 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tutta Gioia              



At my favorite pub in the town,                             
The barmaids all wore see-through gowns.                    
As grew daily tips,                                         
So, too, did their nips;                                    
They had them enlarged by Doc Brown.                        
                                                            
 6404 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



A small frozen river Claire crossed,                        
Unaware of the wiles of Jack Frost.                         
Until through her blouser,                                  
He quietly aroused her,                                     
As her nipples he'd gently accost.                          
                                                            
 6405 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Archie                   



But I thought that Claire had been knittin'                 
A pair of nip mittens quite fittin',                        
For crossing iced rivers.                                   
But by her nip's shivers,                                   
It looks like old Jack Frost has bitten.                    
                                                            
 6406 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



As a horny and lecherous geezer,                            
His trip to the store was a pleaser;                        
He leered at each dame,                                     
With an absence of shame,                                   
As the nipples emerged by the freezer.                      
                                                            
 6407 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Cap'n Bean          P0104



Near the barracks there lives a young lass,                 
Who is said to have two breasts of brass.                   
A soldier who bit her,                                      
Found in one a transmitter!                                 
For she works for the news house of Tass!                   
                                                            
 6408 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young girl from the West                        
With tits on the back of her chest.                         
Though her face was a fright,                               
She had dates every night,                                  
Since for dancing, by far she was best.                     
                                                            
 6409 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0639



In search of a brand-new sensation,                         
John, accepting a girl's invitation,                        
Placed his genital spear                                    
Within her brassiere                                        
And was trapped in her tight birfurcation.                  
                                                            
 6410 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Isaac Asimov             



John naturally felt some bereavage                          
At failing to manage retrievage,                            
Of his personal title                                       
To an organ so vital                                        
Now stuck in the fair damsel's cleavage.                    
                                                            
 6411 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young WAAF in the Ritz                          
Wearing officer's pips on her tits.                         
A bit further down                                          
Was an RSM's crown,                                         
Which gave further scope for the wits.                      
                                                            
 6412 BOOBS - IMPROVED               VOL 5                    



"Your tit operation was good," said Hall,                   
As he gazed as she stood by the wall.                       
"They sagged to your knees,                                 
Pulled out wrinkles with ease.                              
But now they stand up proud and tall."                      
                                                            
 6413 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Clarence Boyle      P8906



A flat-busted young damsel named Kitty                      
Troweled bust creme all over each titty.                    
Then they started to grow...                                
Stretched from Medicine Bow                                 
To the outskirts of old Silver City.                        
                                                            
 6414 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Grand Prix Lim  473      



There's an Atlanta girl named Lola;                         
Has a red, white, and blue aureole.                         
The unusual hue                                             
Is probably due                                             
To breasts that dispense Coca Cola.                         
                                                            
 6415 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tom Patton          P9507



Her breasts people called itty-bitties.                     
She saw doctors in two or three cities.                     
One surgeon was nice                                        
Gave her boobs at half price;                               
'Twas a kindhearted sale of two titties.                    
                                                            
 6416 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



Let those boys swing if you want ta;                        
Sometimes my girls swing, kinda fond a                      
That feeling inside,                                        
When 'neath my shirt they do ride.                          
It just feels so good to go sans bra.                       
                                                            
 6417 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



"Please Doctor, my breasts are so small,                    
Size 32A, that is all.                                      
Do you have a cure?"                                        
"Oh yes, miss, one sure                                     
To work, just stay there and I'll call."                    
                                                            
 6418 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



"Good morning, Miss Jones, I'm the doc.                     
Please take off your blouse and your frock.                 
And I'll drop my pants.                                     
Your fingers please dance                                   
On this thing here, they call it a cock."                   
                                                            
 6419 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



"Now pump it and point at your breast.                      
Oooh eeee..., magic fluid expressed.                        
Now massage it in                                           
To your mammary skin,                                       
And surely, you'll soon be impressed."                      
                                                            
 6420 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



"I'll be back again, miss, tomorrow, see,                   
And each day thereafter, 'cause morally,                    
Hippocrates bleated,                                        
This must be repeated,                                      
And even perhaps given orally."                             
                                                            
 6421 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



"I'm back again, doc, for inspecting;                       
Some changes I'm sure I'm detecting.                        
My boyfriends I told                                        
Of your method so bold.                                     
And they did the same by injecting."                        
                                                            
 6422 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



"To some funny place down below.                            
My breasts, yes, they've started to grow,                   
But so has my belly.                                        
Why's that, doctor?"  "Well see,                            
These side-effects quite often show."                       
                                                            
 6423 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



"I think, miss, you'd better not tarry,                     
But take your best beau to Rev Harry.                       
Tell him you cannot wait,                                   
And to fix you a date,                                      
For you and your boyfriend to marry."                       
                                                            
 6424 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Tiddy Ogg                



They also cannot be too hairy,                              
'Cause that could be too downright scary.                   
So take care down there,                                    
To shave off that hair,                                     
'Cause men like-em smooth, soft and airy!                   
                                                            
 6425 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



The tits of Elizabeth Jean                                  
Are the shiniest anyone's seen;                             
For she buffs 'em away,                                     
Using polish each day,                                      
To a bright and illustrious sheen.                          
                                                            
 6426 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Cap'n Bean          P2006



At the Titwatchers' Annual Convention                       
Hilda got only honorable mention...                         
For a low bastard phoned                                    
That she'd been siliconed,                                  
Which accounted for her vast distension.                    
                                                            
 6427 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Grand Prix Lim  283      



Jane had a talent quite singular;                           
She had a seventeen-jointed fingular.                       
She'd insert it by bits,                                    
Thereby making tits                                         
Go around and around quite whizzingular.                    
                                                            
 6428 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Breasts are a lovely invention;                             
They're best when the skin's under tension.                 
On occasion it's not;                                       
Those cases are what                                        
Keep surgeons from going on pension.                        
                                                            
 6429 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Macsam                   



There was a young lady named Dahlia,                        
Whose bust was, in truth, utter failure.                    
She was surgically blessed,                                 
With a chest like Mae West,                                 
And died happy of hypermammalia.                            
                                                            
 6430 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



Victoria's boobs immature                                   
Negated a likely amour.                                     
But a surgeon at Bra                       (ITAL)           
Built her up like her ma,                                   
And made her supremely cocksure.                            
                                                            
 6431 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Allan Ottley        P8805



There was a woman named Cindy,                              
Whose breasts were as small as can be.                      
To the doctor she went,                                     
With attitude hell-bent,                                    
To go from an "A" to a "D".                                 
                                                            
 6432 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Dave Jarbo               



The surgury's done, now it's time for some fun,             
Even though they are still kind of smartin'.                
The saline's in place;                                      
With a smile on her face,                                   
They resemble those of Dolly Parton.                        
                                                            
 6433 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Dave Jarbo               



We try to be kind, but bear this in mind,                   
As we say now in verses and rhymes...                       
Everytime you bend over,                                    
To pick up that clover,                                     
That gravity sure sucks sometimes.                          
                                                            
 6434 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Dave Jarbo               



With Summer acoming, I wouldn't try running                 
On days that are sunny and hot.                             
When your boyfriend comes pouncing,                         
And they are still bouncing,                                
They still will be comfortable...NOT!                       
                                                            
 6435 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Dave Jarbo               



This may be a quirk, but if this doesn't work,              
You can still take your doctor to court.                    
You can say that he lied,                                   
And your living bra died,                                   
And your suing for lack of support!                         
                                                            
 6436 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Dave Jarbo               



A saggy old matron named Dot                                
Felt her nipples getting quite hot...                       
But her tits were adroop                                    
In the clam chowder spoup,                                  
So she tied them both up in a knot.                         
                                                            
 6437 BOOBS - IMPROVED               TuttaGioia               



I know a young woman named Julie,                           
Who comlained of her figure unduly.                         
"I'm an outgoing lass,                                      
With a flat little ass,                                     
But my front end's a bit more unruly."                      
                                                            
 6438 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



And my pecs...should I duct tape them too?                  
For my chest once so manly (it's true!)                     
Has begun to grow A-                                        
Cup size boobies since May;                                 
Though I doubt I'll get bosoms like you.                    
                                                            
 6439 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



There's a great woman lived in San Pete,                    
Whose breasts were full and replete;                        
They were big and round,                                    
And she finally found,                                      
For pillows, they couldn't be beat.                         
                                                            
 6440 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Joe McEwen         P9504 



A well-endowed barmaid from Bude                            
Had tits that were aptly tattooed.                          
"Whiskey" one read;                                         
"Ale" 'tother said;                                         
Both topped with pert nips that unscrewed.                  
                                                            
 6441 BOOBS - IMPROVED                                        



There once was a girl whose left nip                        
Could wiggle, squirt, meow and yip.                         
And after I drank,                                          
It curved like a crank,                                     
Directing me toward the left hip.                           
                                                            
 6442 BOOBS - IMPROVED               H Welchel                



A wine connoisseur, Spinster Hupple,                        
Said, "Wine on my boobs keep them supple,                   
When rubbed with amounts                                    
Of cream from the founts                                    
Of suitors, not less than a couple."                        
                                                            
 6443 BOOBS - IMPROVED               Travis Brasell           



So, promise me you'll give a giggle,                        
Those 38C's I will jiggle.                                  
They do make me swell.                                      
I love it as well                                           
When those sexy hips you do wiggle..                        
                                                            
 6444 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Archie                   



I'd just like to say, if you please!                        
That I do not have 44D's!                                   
Although they still jiggle,                                 
I'll give them a wiggle,                                    
'Cause I've only got 38C's.                                 
                                                            
 6445 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Jayne                    



Us titwatchers throw lustful fits                           
When we see a babe's big bouncing tits.                     
Tits are standard equipment,                                
But some get a shipment                                     
That beats common tits all to bits!                         
                                                            
 6446 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Grand Prix Lim  161      



A letter I posted in c/o                                    
The College, told Katie her p/o                             
Boobs boast the best oz                                     
Of jiggles and boz,                                         
Of ladies I've lain in the l/o.                             
                                                            
 6447 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



Said a young tennis player named Whipp,                     
Adjusting his unruly zip,                                   
"It wasn't her face                                         
That I fell for, in Grace,                                  
But the bubbies that bounced in her slip."                  
                                                            
 6448 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                     G0488



A girl at the club where friend Stan goes,                  
Has tits like a couple of mangoes.                          
He watches her dance,                                       
And near creams his pants,                                  
'Cause, boy!, do they bounce when she tangoes.              
                                                            
 6449 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



Whenever she tangoes it seems                               
Poor Stan's jeans are strained at the seams.                
Her boobs have him droolin'                                 
And rubbin' his tool, an'                                   
All night long, he's having wet dreams.                     
                                                            
 6450 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



There once was a girl from Old Witz,                        
Who had the most marvelous teats.                           
She said with a smile,                                      
As she bounced them awhile,                                 
"I can't find a bra that they fits!"                        
                                                            
 6451 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 The Beard                



There once was a girl from Old Witz,                        
Who had the most marvelous teats.                           
But she said with a frown,                                  
As she jumped up and down,                                  
"When I stop, they just won't call it quits."               
                                                            
 6452 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 The Beard                



There once was a girl from Old Witz,                        
Who had the most marvelous teats.                           
She needed a bra,                                           
Or else they'd see-saw,                                     
So this young girl used two baseball mitts.                 
                                                            
 6453 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 The Beard                



It ain't just that young Isabella's                         
Big knockers attract all the fellas,                        
It's how they gyrate                                        
And her tassels rotate                                      
Like counter-rotating propellas.                            
                                                            
 6454 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady of Spitz                             
Who wobbled her "thirty-eight" tits,                        
Whilst her boyfriend, a Pole,                               
Got that up her hole,                                       
Till she was fucked, squirming, for "six."                  
(He must have made a touchdown - McW)                       
 6455 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                     G2734



There once was this babe with a bosom,                      
The wiggliest, jiggliest, two some,                         
That ever I gawked,                                         
And when near me she walked,                                
I have to admit that I grew some.                           
                                                            
 6456 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Hugh Clary               



The blonde, while at teatime with Chaucer,                  
Annoyingly sipped from her saucer;                          
"You never use cups?"                                       
He asked.  "Hell no, Pups!"                                 
She bellowed, "My tits hate a bra, Sir!"                    
                                                            
 6457 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Travis Brasell           



My tits like to be loose and free;                          
No bra binding them up for me.                              
Still firm and plumpcious,                                  
Deliciously scrumptious,                                    
Now how 'bout some milk for that tea?                       
                                                            
 6458 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Carol                    



The thought of your tits loose and free,                    
Gives a warm fuzzy feeling to me.                           
I can't help but thinking,                                  
If it's tea that we're drinking,                            
I'd much rather have your honey!                            
                                                            
 6459 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Ned                      



A buxom young woman named Thai                              
Has breasts that appear they could fly;                     
They've a natural lift,                                     
With a rebound that's swift,                                
And their nipples project to the sky.                       
                                                            
 6460 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Cap'n Bean               



I once knew a woman named Jane,                             
Who some had described as quite plain.                      
So she cast off her bra,                                    
And the jiggle I saw                                        
Would have driven an old man insane.                        
                                                            
 6461 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Bob Birch           P0207



That wild pair of thirty eight C's                          
Are swinging around in the breeze,                          
And knocking out eyes                                       
Of all of the guys,                                         
And bringing them down to their knees.                      
                                                            
 6462 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



On their knees, they spy her great rose,                    
Which they penetrate with their nose.                       
With their snorting and sneezing,                           
The scent is so pleasing                                    
Down below, their great columns grows!                      
                                                            
 6463 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



It's odd, the reaction that hits 'em,                       
When fellows see dollies so titsome.                        
Such motions of bust                                        
Stir oceans of lust,                                        
For yen in most men never quits 'em.                        
                                                            
 6464 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Grand Prix Lim  679      



A buxom young miss, quite refined,                          
Asked her friends to keep one thought in mind:              
"I do not get fussed                                        
When you ogle my bust,                                      
But please, just ignore my behind!"                         
                                                            
 6465 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Norman Storer       P0311



Big redheads run mostly to tits,                            
Which drives some men out of their wits.                    
A big, wobbly bust                                          
Stirs men's animal lust,                                    
And she fuck 'em until they have fits!                      
                                                            
 6466 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                     G0467



It ain't just that young Isabella's                         
Big knockers attract all the fellas,                        
It's how, when gyratin',                                    
Her tassels rotate in                                       
A manner like turbo-propellas.                              
                                                            
 6467 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



The spinning tassles on her nipple                          
Compare not to the fluid ripple,                            
of her gyrating ass!                                        
"Stand up, clap", "No I pass;                               
Can't stand now and I'm not a cripple!"                     
                                                            
 6468 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



Isabella's not queen of this castle,                        
She should do it like me, it's no hassle.                   
One clockwise, one counter,                                 
Then the fella's would mount her;                           
And fun?  Lord, she'd have her a passel!                    
                                                            
 6469 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



I'm squinting cross-eyed at your nips,                      
Twirling tassels like miniature whips,                      
And would guess from the speed                              
Of rotation, you'd need                                     
To attach 'em with crocodile clips.                         
                                                            
 6470 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



The wonderful Wizard of Oz,  (ounce)                        
Is really a lady who boz,  (bounce)                         
With tits not impounded                                     
In bra, till surrounded                                     
By crowds, then a vice squad cop poz.  (pounce)             
                                                            
 6471 BOOBS - JIGGLE                                          



The best thing I saw at the spa                             
Was a beauty removing her bra.                              
Her titties sprang out                                      
And danced all about,                                       
And my organ went do me sol La!                             
                                                            
 6472 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Laurence Perrine    P9410



The trampoline's fine for us guys,                          
But ladies I have to advise,                                
If you've got a bust,                                       
Of fair size, you'll just                                   
End up with two lovely black eyes.                          
                                                            
 6473 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Tiddy Ogg                



A buxom young dancer called Cleo                            
Did Cabaret, way down in Rio;                               
Each night when she rhumba'd,                               
Her breasts, unencumbered                                   
By corsage, would join in, con brio.                        
                                                            
 6474 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Ron Rubin                



Are you asking what's under my vest?                        
Not as much as some of the rest.                            
Not 44D's,                                                  
Only 38C's,                                                 
But I think that you'll still be impressed!                 
                                                            
 6475 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Kaylin                   



For I can make them do tricks, you know --                  
They can wiggle a little, like so --                        
Then, before my eyes.                                       
Some things start to rise,                                  
And continue to grow and to grow!                           
                                                            
 6476 BOOBS - JIGGLE                 Kaylin                   



I'm starting a new kind of quest,                           
Taking along a tape measure lest                            
Arden with glee                                             
Says, "I'm 42C."                                            
I'll be able to measure her chest.                          
                                                            
 6477 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



The pain must be horrid I fear;                             
Call a surgeon to help the poor dear.                       
Her feet must be aching,                                    
Her back's surely breaking,                                 
And with those 44Ds, she looks queer!                       
                                                            
 6478 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



Though A, B, C, D cups men see,                             
Men's choice would to see a D be.                           
Man's morals -- bad                                         
His wish, the cad,                                          
Each A, B, C should be a D                                  
                                                            
 6479 BOOBS - LARGE                  Irving Superior     P8802



We feel mighty sorry for Millie,                            
For she's snaggle-toothed, cross-eyed and silly.            
But her big bulging bust                                    
Makes us titwatchers lust,                                  
For udderwise, Millie's a dilly!                            
                                                            
 6480 BOOBS - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  151      



A bather is Lake Ballyclear,                                
Had a bust that would bust a brassiere.                     
She had a round face,                                       
And was plump every place,                                  
Except for her flat-chested rear.                           
                                                            
 6481 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



To accompany you there will be takers                       
As all of us like those big shakers,                        
But as for the gals                                         
Who carry our 'pals,'                                       
I'm sure that their tits are all acres.                     
                                                            
 6482 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



When the doctor examined Miss Gusty,                        
He was thrilled at her figure so busty,                     
And he looked with elation                                  
On her pussy formation,                                     
But he noted her asshole was rusty.                         
                                                            
 6483 BOOBS - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0466



When you think of "A-Tisket, A-Tasket,"                     
Remember the woman named Haskett.                           
Who contrived a good stunt,                                 
To put up a front,                                          
And carried her teats in a basket.                          
                                                            
 6484 BOOBS - LARGE                                      G2526



A stenographer working for Krupp                            
Had brassieres with an over-sized cup.                      
When promoted upstairs                                      
To the Officers lairs,                                      
It was said, a big titter went up.                          
                                                            
 6485 BOOBS - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Born October 7, a Libra;                                    
The beautiful babe was named Debra;                         
The day that her tits                                       
In C-cup wouldn't fit,                                      
She was happy her name isn't Zebra!                         
                                                            
 6486 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



There are tits on Miss Kitty O'Bannion                      
That are Matterhorns cleft by a canyon;                     
But her brains and her face                                 
Are a dreadful disgrace,                                    
So she's clearly a bosom companion.                         
                                                            
 6487 BOOBS - LARGE                  Thomas A Quinine    P8405



A buxom young wench, name of Dusted,                        
Had a bosom both big and upthrusted.                        
It stayed just that way,                                    
Until one sorry day,                                        
Having breasted most hazards, it busted.                    
                                                            
 6488 BOOBS - LARGE                  Beelzebub          TP9804



A sexy young girl from Cape Cod,                            
Had to carry her breasts in a hod.                          
Her shape was perfection                                    
And caused many an erection,                                
But when she bent over, MY GOD!                             
                                                            
 6489 BOOBS - LARGE                                      G0283



Dolly Parton's a busty sensation.                           
Her chest is the pride of the nation.                       
Have no illusions!                                          
Those thoracic protrusions                                  
Are the cause of much male masturbation.                    
                                                            
 6490 BOOBS - LARGE                  Ed Wolfert          P8305



There's a hot-blooded maiden from Antelope                  
Who has tits twice the size of a cantelope,                 
So her dad took great pains,                                
Kept her bound up in chains,                                
Noting, "This way I'm sure that she shan't elope."          
                                                            
 6491 BOOBS - LARGE                  Armand E Singer      718A



"I'm falling in love with young Liz, ma!"                   
Said Johnny one morning to his ma.                          
"Her breast size, you see,                                  
Is 42-G,                                                    
And that gives a woman charisma."                           
                                                            
 6492 BOOBS - LARGE                  Isaac Asimov             



She spoke with loquacious complexity                        
That left men in a state of perplexity.                     
They sought with depravity                                  
Her lower concavity                                         
And her chest of enormous convexity.                        
                                                            
 6493 BOOBS - LARGE                  Cyberpriestess      T9801



A milkmaid whose name was McLeod                            
Was pectorally quite well endowed.                          
The size of her bust                                        
Would fill men with lust,                                   
But 'twas women whom she really cowed.                      
                                                            
 6494 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



There once was a girl named Roam                            
Whose breasts were as big as a gnome.                       
She walked until sunset                                     
And saw with much regret,                                   
All the cows had followed her home.                         
                                                            
 6495 BOOBS - LARGE                  Mason Wright             



LuWanda was so very proud                                   
Of being so amply endowed,                                  
That wherever she'd go,                                     
She'd display them, for show,                               
And expectantly gather a crowd.                             
                                                            
 6496 BOOBS - LARGE                  Cap'n Bean          P9809



Over these, you had best cast you eye,                      
And the firmness your hands ought to try.                   
You will find, if you please,                               
That these are double D's,                                  
'Cause I tell you, my dear, it's no lie!                    
                                                            
 6497 BOOBS - LARGE                  Vicki                    



I'm not so flat-chested, they're D's!                       
Just give me your hands, if you please.                     
I'll show you just where                                    
You can find my soft pair;                                  
At my age, they're down by my knees.                        
                                                            
 6498 BOOBS - LARGE                  Jodi B                   



In the shrine where a deity sits,                           
She prayed she could live by her wits;                      
Her petition, somehow,                                      
Got garbled and now                                         
She's a stripper with E-cup size tits.                      
                                                            
 6499 BOOBS - LARGE                  Ann Gasser          P9009



A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression,                         
Sold cigars at a Key Club concession.                       
When she swiveled about,                                    
Even strong men cried out,                                  
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.                  
                                                            
 6500 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



Well, Josephine sure had me stopping,                       
And looking and panting and dropping                        
My drawers in a hurry                                       
'Til things got real blurry;                                
Her chest, I declare, was eye-popping!                      
                                                            
 6501 BOOBS - LARGE                  Travis Brasell           



In the winter to stop feeling cool,                         
She wore a sweater on a figure quite full.                  
She saw many young guys                                     
Who could never disguise,                                   
That their eyes were pulled over her wool!                  
                                                            
 6502 BOOBS - LARGE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



It's Emma to you, my dear boys,                             
And don't I just love your wee toys!                        
How 'bout a threesome?                                      
D'you care to see some                                      
Of my 42 pride and joys?                                    
                                                            
 6503 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



A fanatic gun-lover named Crust,                            
Was perverse to the point of disgust.                       
His idea of a peach                                         
Had a sixteen-inch breech,                                  
And a pearl-handled 44 bust.                                
                                                            
 6504 BOOBS - LARGE                                      L1574



Breasts, which are bigger are best,                         
Lest you're using a pencil to test;                         
Or prefer the more youthful                                 
Except to be truthful,                                      
Getting at them precludes all the rest.                     
                                                            
 6505 BOOBS - LARGE                  Steve Andersen      P0001



Bard Bryant would spin, for his guests,                     
Tales of women with over-sized chests.                      
His hilarious japes                                         
Of their sizes and shapes,                                  
Were, by far, best of all Bryant jests.                     
                                                            
 6506 BOOBS - LARGE                  Bob Giandomenico    P9807



Shall I try for some 42 D's                                 
As I age will they hang to my knees?                        
Will their weight on my back,                               
Purse and lenghthen my crack,                               
So's I'll whistle and fart when I sneeze                    
                                                            
 6507 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



There was a young lady from Stevenage,                      
Who boasted a wonderful cleavenage.                         
Joe, lost in the cleft,                                     
Died happy, bereft;                                         
Dear Jane mourned this most strange bereavenage.            
                                                            
 6508 BOOBS - LARGE                  Tiddy Ogg                



A cautious young fellow named Lumming,                      
Selected young girls with good plumbing.                    
He advised, "When I choose 'em,                             
They must have a big bosom,                                 
So I plug in and hear myself coming."                       
                                                            
 6509 BOOBS - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0524



In the days of electric typewriting,                        
A co-worker who looked inviting                             
With her 44 D's,                                            
Leaned over the keys,                                       
And set all the letters to fighting.                        
                                                            
 6510 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



While serving a beer, young miss Cumbo                      
Met up with a patron -- a Dumbo --                          
Who asked, "Do you ferk?"                                   
So she clobbered the jerk                                   
With a swing of her jugs, which were jumbo.                 
                                                            
 6511 BOOBS - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2003



I may just be totally mad,                                  
But love of big boobs is a fad.                             
Emotions may seethe                                         
And I want to breathe,                                      
While screwing and being a cad.                             
                                                            
 6512 BOOBS - LARGE                  Archie                   



The titties on Kitty McTwitty                               
Are the two biggest bubs in the city.                       
Every titman that sees 'em,                                 
Has the wild urge to squeeze 'em,                           
But it's "Just look; don't touch!" -- more's the pity.      
                                                            
 6513 BOOBS - LARGE                                      G0395



To a lady he wooed with great zeal,                         
He said, "To your beauty I kneel."                          
But he was a gent,                                          
The guy really meant:                                       
"Oh please let them hooters be real!"                       
                                                            
 6514 BOOBS - LARGE                  Norm Storer         P9502



I'm sorry to miss your crap game,                           
But Jayne is now rising to fame.                            
The size of her tits                                        
Scares Madonna to bits,                                     
And makes Dolly Parton look tame.                           
                                                            
 6515 BOOBS - LARGE                  Jayne                    



She was bold, she was hot, she was willing;                 
Her bodice confines over spilling,                          
With globes so supreme                                      
That he thought 'twas a dream;                              
This flesh-fest of cooing and billing.                      
                                                            
 6516 BOOBS - LARGE                  Lucy                     



Your melons, sweet Debby, are large;                        
Do they help you to float like a barge?                     
If you pump them and plump them                             
Up more, may I hump them?                                   
And what, may I ask, do you charge?                         
                                                            
 6517 BOOBS - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



There's something exciting 'bout lingerie;                  
Not, though, when modeled by Marjory.                       
Nothing quite fits                                          
Her humungous great tits,                                   
Which remind me of strawberry blancmangerie.                
                                                            
 6518 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



"Draw one!" called the countergirl clearly.                 
And I did, though I should have said, "Nearly."             
Yes, she filled me with lust                                
For the size of her bust                                    
Was enormous -- I mean it sincerely.                        
                                                            
 6519 BOOBS - LARGE                  Anon                     



A certain sweet girl from Key West                          
Was uncommonly large in the chest.                          
Any man's close attention                                   
To her outside dimension,                                   
Brought his own measurement to its best.                    
                                                            
 6520 BOOBS - LARGE                  Isaac Asimov             



Not love, and not gods, it is just                          
A sprinkling of gold pixie dust.                            
I know it sounds corny,                                     
But it makes the men horny;                                 
Well, that, and the size of my bust.                        
                                                            
 6521 BOOBS - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A young girl too amply endowed                              
Was embarrassed when out in a crowd.                        
She said, "I don't care                                     
If the men stand and stare,                                 
But I hate it when they laugh out loud."                    
                                                            
 6522 BOOBS - LARGE                  Bill Taylor         P9808



This life is so dull now for me;                            
I look but I now never see                                  
On womanly chests,                                          
The sight of some breasts                                   
Made naturally forty four D.                                
                                                            
 6523 BOOBS - LARGE                  Archie                   



As Kansas in August it's corny,                             
But she pacifies Labour and Tory;                           
She adds the graphic                                        
To rush hour traffic;                                       
Her hOOters put "horn" into "horny."                        
                                                            
 6524 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



The nipples of young Sara Sarong,                           
When excited, are twelve inches long.                       
This embarrassed her lover,                                 
Who was pained to discover,                                 
She expected no less of his dong.                           
                                                            
 6525 BOOBS - LARGE                                      L1637



There once was a Lady McBagg,                               
And to all the ladies did brag:                             
"My breasts are sizeable                                    
And quite recognizable;                                     
I do not ever wear a name tag."                             
                                                            
 6526 BOOBS - LARGE                  Speckle Bird       TP9901



I want something new for my pleasure;                       
36D at least they should measure.                           
Pert and pretty they'd stand                                
And conform to my hand.                                     
No "sunken chest" for this pirate's treasure.               
                                                            
 6527 BOOBS - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young woman from Britain,                       
With her boobs all, the fellows were smitten.               
She purchased a bra                                         
And the boys stared in awe,                                 
And said to her: "Babe, those won't fit in!"                
                                                            
 6528 BOOBS - LARGE                  Richard Long             



Whenever a fellow named Ira                                 
Found a big-breasted girl, he would hire her                
To service his lust                                         
With her opulent bust,                                      
And if she lost weight, he would fire her.                  
                                                            
 6529 BOOBS - LARGE                  Isaac Asimov             



"I've a question to ask you, Dear Guest,                    
Is all that development breast,                             
Or can that enormity                                        
Be a deformity,                                             
Or a poodle perhaps on your chest?"                         
                                                            
 6530 BOOBS - LARGE                  McNaughty Book Limericks 



If you're hung with an oversize dairy,                      
You'll find that it pays to be wary,                        
Or you're pulled from your pants                            
At the very first chance                                    
And some guy'll pick a ripe cherry...                       
                                                            
 6531 BOOBS - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  870      



A young girl with a very large bust                         
Was given a position of trust.                              
There was only one flaw;                                    
When men came through the door,                             
The look in their eyes was pure lust!                       
                                                            
 6532 BOOBS - LARGE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



My brother's name is Martin;                                
He's on your white milk carton.                             
Snatched by a chick                                         
In need of a prick;                                         
Heard he's happy -- she's boobs like Ms. Parton!            
                                                            
 6533 BOOBS - LARGE                  ROE                      



There was a young girl with big tits,                       
Who had all the menfolk in fits,                            
Because when she passed by                                  
They would heave such a sigh,                               
That it scared the men out of their wits                    
                                                            
 6534 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



There once was a maid from Rangoon                          
Who had quite a set of pontoons.                            
Each half of her bra                                        
Was bigger by far,                                          
Than any two helium balloons.                               
                                                            
 6535 BOOBS - LARGE                  Arden                    



In London there lived a school marm                         
Whose bosom augmented her charm.                            
She sports those big D cups                                 
But when she gets the hiccups,                              
The seismograph sounds the alarm.                           
                                                            
 6536 BOOBS - LARGE                  Arnie Scnoenbrun    P0310



A lady who lives in Khartoum                                
Ostensibly likes to consume                                 
Whatever comestible                                         
She judges digestible                                       
And features a mammoth bazoom.                              
                                                            
 6537 BOOBS - LARGE                  Philo Logue         P8407



The big, bulbous boobies on Blanche                         
Set the hired hands wild, on our ranch.                     
Lured away by skunk Morehouse,                              
Who runs the town whorehouse,                               
He'll use her to open a branch.                             
                                                            
 6538 BOOBS - LARGE                                      G1743



"Big breaths," said the good Doctor Rung;                   
His stethoscope tested her lung.                            
In all likelihood,                                          
She misunderstood.                                          
"Yeth, I've had them thince I was quite young."             
                                                            
 6539 BOOBS - LARGE                  Al Willis                



At her desk was plump Molly Magruder                        
Reading love letters from her suitor;                       
When she thought the boss saw her;                          
Shoved 'em quick in the drawer,                             
Slammed it shut, and it caught her left hooter!             
                                                            
 6540 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



She has an abundance above;                                 
Her brassieres all fit like a glove.                        
She has twin forty-fours,                                   
That her lover adores,                                      
And that's what I call smother love!                        
                                                            
 6541 BOOBS - LARGE                  Al Willis           T9712



"Dear Abby, the men stare and wink.                         
It's because I'm big breasted, I think.                     
They peek and they leer,                                    
Till it makes me feel queer."                               
"Big Breasted: Dear, see a shrink!"                         
                                                            
 6542 BOOBS - LARGE                  Lance Payne         P8404



A busty young girl of Grand Prairie                         
Has teats hardly seen in a dairy.                           
But in matters of sex,                                      
These have splendid effects                                 
On all but the senile and fairy.                            
                                                            
 6543 BOOBS - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  953 G0346



I once met this girl from down under;                       
Everyone thinks that she's just a wonder.                   
The size of her bust                                        
Would make a man lust,                                      
And split his zipper asunder!                               
                                                            
 6544 BOOBS - LARGE                  Anon                     



She's so well-endowed, most men stare.                      
Jealous women ignore her or glare.                          
But she's hired, the boss feels,                            
And close contact reveals,                                  
He's impressed by this stunning au pair.                    
                                                            
 6545 BOOBS - LARGE                  Ann Gasser          P9408



A young French ballerina from Brest                         
For Premiere Danceuse failed the test.                      
To her lasting disgrace,                                    
She fell flat on her face;                                  
Her teacher said she'd too much chest!                      
                                                            
 6546 BOOBS - LARGE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young man named Moritz,                         
Who was subject to passionate fits.                         
But his pleasure in life,                                   
Was to suck off his wife,                                   
As he swung by his knees from her teats.                    
                                                            
 6547 BOOBS - LARGE                                      L1491



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee                                     
Broke down on I-5 recently.                                 
I heard the cop say,                                        
"You should call triple A."                                 
"Why should I! I'm triple D!"                               
                                                            
 6548 BOOBS - LARGE                  Trainman                 



The upstairs maid, does John adore.                         
The downstairs maid, of bosom more.                         
Which one will John choose?                                 
Which one will John lose?                                   
Or else criss-cross the second floor.                       
                                                            
 6549 BOOBS - LARGE                  Irving Superior     P9912



I walked with my front facing back,                         
Some think that's to show off my crack.                     
Looking closer they find,                                   
I've got two bits behind,                                   
I'm packing a double D rack.                                
                                                            
 6550 BOOBS - LARGE                                           



There was a young woman of Rhyll                            
Whose breasts made the men want to spill.                   
So she gathered her tits                                    
Up into her pits,                                           
And now she walks like a Gorill.                            
                                                            
 6551 BOOBS - LARGE                  Lucy Wainwright          



My joy is a soft little kitty                               
To pet when I'm mad and feel shitty.                        
Or a walk in the park                                       
Or the song of a lark                                       
Or a young and tumescent big titty.                         
                                                            
 6552 BOOBS - LARGE                  Al Willis                



I met a young gentleman, Fritz,                             
Who said, "Ladies? I love them to bits.                     
But the one I like best                                     
Has a 60 inch chest,                                        
And I wish I could play with her tits."                     
                                                            
 6553 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



She's cold and exciting as cod,                             
But she sure is a challenge, by God.                        
She's a whore with a wobble,                                
And says that my knob'll                                    
Not give her a good enough prod.                            
                                                            
 6554 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



I'll sent her a present or two                              
With a note reading "love only you."                        
And a pic of my dick                                        
(And that's ten inches thick,                               
Which is hard to believe, but it's true.)"                  
                                                            
 6555 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



I met him again Monday night,                               
And said "Fritz, my old friend, you all right?"             
He said, "No, let me tell                                   
You a story from Hell,                                      
So that others are saved from my plight."                   
                                                            
 6556 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



I did send my picture, it's true.                           
And she answered with limericks blue.                       
In those verses inviting                                    
And wildly exciting,                                        
She said she had wanted me too.                             
                                                            
 6557 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



So to her apartment I went,                                 
With my trouser-snake causing a tent,                       
Which though awkward for walking,                           
Didn't stop me from talking                                 
And asking her, 'Will you consent...                        
                                                            
 6558 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



...to my sucking your tits?'  And she said                  
(As she flop0ped like blancmange on the bed),               
'Are you up to the test                                     
Of my 60 inch chest?                                        
'Cause the guy I had last is now dead.                      
                                                            
 6559 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



He'd had a good feel of my tits,                            
Then collapsed in a series of fits.                         
So they took him away,                                      
But he died the next day.                                   
Do you want to continue, dear Fritz?'                       
                                                            
 6560 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



I surveyed those great moutains of blubber                  
And said, 'Though you may be a scrubber,                    
Your tits I've been yearning                                
To suck and I'm burning                                     
To screw you not wearing a rubber.'                         
                                                            
 6561 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



'Of course,' she replied and I dived                        
In her bosoms and felt I'd arrived                          
At my sexual nirvana,                                       
And felt my 'banana'                                        
Grow thicker. She said, 'You've survived...                 
                                                            
 6562 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



...So much longer than previous guys.'                      
Then she opened her massive great thighs                    
And she drew me inside                                      
Without breaking her stride,                                
And it's then that I got my surprise.                       
                                                            
 6563 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



For her slit was a bottomless pit                           
And my pecker was too small a fit.                          
In fact my whole torso                                      
Was dragged in that whore, so                               
I furiously clung to her tit.                               
                                                            
 6564 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



At last I escaped with the loss                             
Of my dick which I use to call 'Boss'.                      
So I'm warning you Pete,                                    
Just look after your meat,                                  
'Cause that woman, she couldn't give a toss."               
                                                            
 6565 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



"Well thanks for the warning, dear Fritz,"                  
I replied, "And I'm sorry those tits                        
On a bitch of that size                                     
Nearly caused your demise,                                  
And you suffered the loss of your bits."                    
                                                            
 6566 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter W                  



There once was a gal from Belize,                           
Whose titties hung down to her knees.                       
The climate was warm;                                       
She wore no maidenform.                                     
In Alaska her nipples would freeze!                         
                                                            
 6567 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Corkey Bailey            



I once met a girl from Nebraska,                            
Her ass was as large as Alaska.                             
And both of her thighs                                      
As Texas were wide,                                         
And her tits were as big as Mt. Shasta.                     
                                                            
 6568 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Blowcephus          T9801



The dancers of Frisco, they say,                            
Are as much fun to watch as to lay.                         
The juggers they bare                                       
Would fill Union Square                                     
And some are as big as the Bay.                             
                                                            
 6569 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Pedro J. Saavedra   P8208



The biggest tits I ever saw                                 
Were hung on old Widow McGraw,                              
Who'd drop 'em and flop 'em                                 
And hang 'em and hop 'em                                    
Against me and scream, "Shock and Awe!"                     
(shock and awe was catchword during Iraq War 2003)          
 6570 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Travis Brasell           



No, old Mary-Kate's were the best                           
And even while wearing a vest,                              
That gal was so hung,                                       
That she punctured my lung                                  
And broke every rib in my chest.                            
                                                            
 6571 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         SFA                      



A buxom young lass, name of Kitty,                          
Was proud of the size of her titty.                         
To lift that thing up                                       
Into a Z-cup,                                               
We had to convene a committee.                              
                                                            
 6572 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl with 88-G tits                                       
Had her show biz career in bits.                            
She crawled on the stage,                                   
Tried to stand to engage                                    
The audience, who simply had fits!                          
                                                            
 6573 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Archie                   



Your 52 Double-F tits                                       
Don't frighten me, mama!  No bit.                           
However, 'twill shivver                                     
Your kidneys and liver,                                     
When shoved up the place where you sit.                     
                                                            
 6574 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER                                  



Big Bertha shot back with a sneer,                          
"Say 'bye' to the folks you hold dear,                      
'Cause when yer wee 'bits'                                  
Shoved in where I sit,                                      
Yer gonna, in whole, disappear."                            
                                                            
 6575 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a woman named Keyes,                         
Whose big tits hung down to her knees.                      
It took two engineers                                       
To hook her brassieres,                                     
And two more to act as referees!                            
                                                            
 6576 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Laurence Craft           



A large breasted woman, if you please,                      
Could not don her bra with much ease.                       
'Cause her teats were rotund;                               
Each weighed half a ton,                                    
And hung halfway down to her knees!                         
                                                            
 6577 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Laurence Craft           



His date was picked out by computer.                        
She was more than attractive or cute; her                   
Pert pair of bazooms                                        
Would've filled up three rooms,                             
So he jumped on her bones like a looter.                    
                                                            
 6578 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Robin K. Willoughby P8408



Simone had the cutest blond cleft,                          
But with tits of such monstrous heft.                       
They reached to the ground,                                 
Covered up that sweet mound,                                
And left you of that sight bereft.                          
                                                            
 6579 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         TuttaGioia               



There's a buxom young wench in Lamar,                       
Whose shape is too nubile by far.                           
One luscious bazoom,                                        
Fills up half the room,                                     
And you couldn't go round her in par.                       
                                                            
 6580 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER                             G0379



There was once a young lady of Fez                          
(She went by the name of Chavez)                            
And her teats we are told,                                  
If completely unrolled                                      
Would stretch from Madrid to Juarez.                        
                                                            
 6581 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER                             G0329



The latest I've met is big Onie,                            
Whose boobs are (unless they are phoney)                    
The biggest in years                                        
To be wrapped 'round my ears.                               
(Any more that I'd say, is baloney.)                        
                                                            
 6582 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         John Miller              



Now that Christmas is over, I've found                      
I've gained more than the holiday pound                     
In my ass and tummy,                                        
But my boobs look yummy,                                    
They're bigger, still firm and more round.                  
                                                            
 6583 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



Oh good!  Now she is much bustier!                          
Which makes all us guys to feel lustier.                    
For me, though, it's woe;                                   
It's too far to go,                                         
As my bike and libido get rustier.                          
                                                            
 6584 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



This buxom young lass from Biarritz                         
Had pumpkins where most girls have tits.                    
They were big, soft, and round,                             
And just touched the ground,                                
And this is as good as it gets.                             
                                                            
 6585 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Al Willis           P9703



I hurried and gulped me two ripples,                        
And drank to your tits with nice nipples;                   
From what you are showing,                                  
Could they be still growing?                                
You've gone from Ds double to triples!                      
                                                            
 6586 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Travis Brasell           



I'm sorry we had a big tiff,                                
But you don't need to snivel and sniff.                     
(And you didn't have to shove                               
Me so violently, love,                                      
When we went for that walk on the cliff.)                   
                                                            
 6587 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



I know my behavior was bad,                                 
And I acted the bounder and cad.                            
Unforgivable? Yes.                                          
And it caused you distress;                                 
Understandably, you were so mad.                            
                                                            
 6588 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



If you're asking me now to confess,                         
I'll feel guilty but nevertheless,                          
I will do as you say                                        
Without further delay,                                      
But you want all the details, I guess.                      
                                                            
 6589 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



Well, I think that her name was Louise                      
And she showed me her 42C's.                                
My resistance was low                                       
And I couldn't say no,                                      
When she asked if I'd give 'em a squeeze.                   
                                                            
 6590 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



So I grabbed them and gave them a kiss.                     
(I admit it was heavenly bbliss.)                           
Then she whispered, "Dear Peter,                            
I'd like you to meet her;                                   
My bountiful bosomy Sis."                                   
                                                            
 6591 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



Her sister had 44D's,                                       
And was even more eager to please.                          
"Will you suck on my nips,"                                 
She said, thrusting the tips                                
In my face, as I fell to my knees.                          
                                                            
 6592 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



"If there's anything else you require,"                     
Said Louise, "You just have to enquire."                    
Then she started to fond-                                   
le my stiffening wand,                                      
And I fainted with lust and desire.                         
                                                            
 6593 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



In flagrante delicto you found                              
Me buck naked and sprawled on the ground                    
With those sisters of mercy,                                
Caressing my percy,                                         
And waving those bosoms around.                             
                                                            
 6594 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



But I never said "Fondle my member"                         
That night on the tenth of September.                       
It wasn't my fault,                                         
But I'm sorry you caught                                    
Me. I promise I cannot remember.                            
                                                            
 6595 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



A mythology goddess named June                              
Had breasts as large as the moon;                           
They'd appear in the sky                                    
'Round the end of July,                                     
And they'd shine every night until June.                    
                                                            
 6596 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Cap'n bean          P0303



The tits on young Jill were amazing;                        
She couldn't lift them up without raising                   
Them, using a jack,                                         
Else, alas and alack,                                       
On the ground they'd be constantly grazing.                 
                                                            
 6597 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER                                  



A very odd pair are the Pitts.                              
His balls are as large as her teats.                        
Her teats are as large,                                     
As an invasion barge--                                      
Neither knows how the other cohabits.                       
                                                            
 6598 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER                             L0217



A woman who was called Norma Stitz,                         
Had a name that actually fits.                              
So large was her bust,                                      
Wind whistled as it rushed                                  
Past all of her dimples and pits.                           
                                                            
 6599 BOOBS - LARGE - LARGER         Funny Bone               



Amanda's enormous great bust                                
Is the talk of the town and discussed                       
By the women with awe,                                      
And a slap 'round the jaw,                                  
For their menfolk who dribble with lust.                    
                                                            
 6600 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Good heavens; Amanda has just                               
Trotted by at full throttle and thrust;                     
Her enormous great knockers --                              
Adrenaline shockers --                                      
No wonder they're objects of lust.                          
                                                            
 6601 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Now could there be anything grander,                        
Out here on my wooden verandah,                             
Pretending I'm tending                                      
My garden and bending                                       
To better my view of Amanda?                                
                                                            
 6602 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Oh come now - I'm nobody's fool;                            
Unlike others I'm keeping my cool.                          
Although 'Manda's huge bust                                 
Is an object of lust,                                       
I'm in total control of my tool.                            
                                                            
 6603 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES                                  



Like spring-loaded jellies they bounce.                     
(Bet her nipples weigh more than an ounce).                 
If Amanda returns,                                          
I shall hide in these ferns                                 
'Til I've plucked up the courage to pounce.                 
                                                            
 6604 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Oh, please, fellows, try not to gawk!                       
Those boobs are just poofed out with caulk.                 
Do you know her face?                                       
Nope -- that's not the place;                               
You men look at her when you talk.                          
                                                            
 6605 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Marlene Lewis            



A French gal with bosom, sized large,                       
Belted opera while juggling frommage.                       
As the house lights went down,                              
You could see through her gown.                             
(She had spot lights on her decolletage)                    
                                                            
 6606 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Jared Collection         



While the judges, they watched this girl sing,              
They could tell she was not the real thing.                 
Just imagine her frown                                      
When they awarded the crown                                 
To a gal who plucked on her G-string.                       
                                                            
 6607 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Jared Collection         



Constrained is Big Bertha's huge bust,                      
By the equal and opposite thrust,                           
Of a corset pulled tight,                                   
After fighting all night,                                   
With her pendulous udders untrussed...                      
                                                            
 6608 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



...I've been warming my quivering hands                     
On raging log fires hot pans,                               
And all in the hope                                         
Of copping a grope                                          
Of dear Bertha's mammary glands.                            
                                                            
 6609 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         SFA                      



Rebecca, a girl of eighteen,                                
Had the biggest tits ever seen.                             
Near the size of the Hubble,                                
But gravity was a trouble;                                  
She'd fall, when forward she'd lean.                        
                                                            
 6610 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Martin V Jensen          



I think that I knew that girl too;                          
We were in the same gym class, true!                        
She had such a rack                                         
That just one jumping-jack                                  
Would turn both her eyes black-and-blue.                    
                                                            
 6611 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Martin V Jensen          



Our Jayne, on her front's a crevice,                        
Where she tucks in a boa of feathers.                       
With a mount on the left                                    
Of her bosomly cleft --                                     
On the right there is bloody Ben Nevis.                     
                                                            
 6612 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Archie                   



On the same side far down's a ravine,                       
As deep as you never have seen.                             
I'm unrolling my rope,                                      
Try to abseil the slope;  (rappel)                          
At the bottom I'll do things obscene                        
                                                            
 6613 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Dirruk                   



Petey, I love you to bits,                                  
But I think I will soon call it quits.                      
No matter what duress,                                      
You say to impress...                                       
"I'll take the one with big tits!"                          
                                                            
 6614 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Ericka                   



The last time you did this, I thought                       
A lesson to you I had taught.                               
But you have no remorse                                     
For fondling those whores --                                
You're only sorry you got caught.                           
                                                            
 6615 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Ericka                   



I am just now pleased to be free                            
Of those demons called 44D,                                 
Which are making you frown                                  
And were getting me down.                                   
Would you send me the check for my fee?                     
                                                            
 6616 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



I'll not send a check, but my bill!                         
You send the check and I'll fill                            
In 44D ollars,                                              
To "Head Overhaulers".                                      
(Suppliers of all Archie's pills.)                          
                                                            
 6617 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



You lechers like 44D's?                                     
Then go find two bowling balls, please.                     
Here's all I can say:                                       
They get in the way;                                        
And a handful's enough for a squeeze.                       
                                                            
 6618 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Marlene                  



The size is of no real concern.                             
(A lesson you guys ought to learn)                          
You want to get hot?                                        
Caress what you've got;                                     
You'll see how the home fires burn.                         
                                                            
 6619 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Marlene                  



I feel I should put you all right;                          
For despite what I say on this site,                        
I assure you I do                                           
Not like massive bazoo-                                     
Mas; they don't make my undershorts tight.                  
                                                            
 6620 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Frank                    



In fact it's the B's and the C's                            
(And the ass and the legs if you please)                    
Which excite me and fire                                    
Me with lust and desire;                                    
Not those slappers with 44D's.                              
                                                            
 6621 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Peter                    



If you have been getting none,                              
And in truth you are wanting some fun,                      
Like a true earth mother,                                   
You face I will smother,                                    
With my boobs, size D-51!                                   
                                                            
 6622 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Michelle                 



And boy if you then suffocate,                              
Please cry out before it's too late.                        
I just want to thrill you;                                  
I don't want to kill you.                                   
That kind of stiff just ain't that great!                   
                                                            
 6623 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Michelle                 



You're looking in all the wrong places                      
For pairs of big breasts with nice faces.                   
A-la-ka-zam!                                                
Thirty-six-D I am;                                          
'Tis a problem when tying my laces.                         
                                                            
 6624 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Nawahl                   



It'd be better if they were smaller,                        
And me be a teeny bit taller.                               
For to go on a run                                          
With that bouncing's, not fun;                              
It attracts too many an eyeballer.                          
                                                            
 6625 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Nawahl                   



The breasts of a woman named Helen,                         
Were the size of a large watermelon.                        
When she hove into sight,    (When they bared to the breeze)
All the men would take fright, (Men's passions would freeze)
And they'd run away, screamin' and yellin'.                 
                                                            
 6626 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES                             G0358



The breasts of a woman named Helen                          
Were the size of a large watermelon.                        
When she came into view                                     
All the men would come too,                                 
With appropriate throbbin' and swellin'.                    
                                                            
 6627 BOOBS - LARGE - SERIES         Arthur Deex         P9012



A well-endowed woman named Claire                           
Owns that orchard of fruit trees right there.               
Now, I've seen the picked fruit                             
And you just can't dispute                                  
That she really does have a nice pear.                      
                                                            
 6628 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Lucas Hulp          P9310



A stubborn young welder named Pitts                         
Thought blondes with big boobs were all twits.              
He was thrilled when he met                                 
A vivacious brunette                                        
Who was blessed with a set o'lean tits.                     
                                                            
 6629 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Lims For Year - 01       



The value of your Darling's pubes                           
Is measured in diamonds and rubies.                         
To add to this, some                                        
Will add to this sum,                                       
The poundage of their Darling's boobies.                    
                                                            
 6630 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Irving Superior     P8601



My fetish is feminine bras                                  
Concocted of black lace and gauze.                          
I like girls within them.                                   
I like girls without them.                                  
I suspect almost every man does.                            
                                                            
 6631 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Lance Payne         P8708



They make such a charming couple;                           
So alike you think you see double.                          
In the room every eye                                       
Has to watch them go by;                                    
That pair you have there is supple.                         
                                                            
 6632 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



Large, small or shaped into cubes,                          
I really prefer women's boobs.                              
Yes, butts catch the eyes,                                  
But its chests that I prize;                                
Its been this way since I got pubes.                        
                                                            
 6633 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young laundress named Wrangle,                  
Whose teats tilted up at an angle.                          
"They may tickle my chin,"                                  
She said with a grin,                                       
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."                 
(Mangle - equivalent to a wringer)                          
 6634 BOOBS - LOVELY                                     L0261



When Marilyn wore a tight sweater,                          
The thought that I had, was to pet her.                     
Sure, I had a life,                                         
And a common-law wife,                                      
But she was my appetite whetter.                            
                                                            
 6635 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



That shirt looks becoming on you;                           
Becoming indeed is the view.                                
But, if like your vest,                                     
'Twas I on your chest,                                      
I'd certainly be coming, too.                               
                                                            
 6636 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Archie                   



There is a singer in Long Island City,                      
Whose form is impressively pretty.                          
She is often addressed                                      
By the name of 'Beau Chest',                                
Which is thought to be tasteful and witty.                  
                                                            
 6637 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



A buxom young lass from the West                            
Took the following view of her chest:                       
"They're the first things you see,                          
So congratulate me;                                         
I will always put forward my best!"                         
                                                            
 6638 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jersey City              



There was a Young Girl of the West,                         
Who wore a pale plum-colored vest;                          
When they said, "Does it fit?"                              
She replied, "Not a bit!                                    
But it shows off the best of my chest."                     
                                                            
 6639 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Edwardian Leer 057       



The girls know us guys are real chumps;                     
They can make us do handsprings or jumps.                   
Not with wit or with flair                                  
Or their fashion in hair,                                   
But the bumps on their fronts and their rumps.              
                                                            
 6640 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jemstone            P0001



On words for "breast", the bosom's best                     
Because of its expressiveness.                              
The "b" the "s" the "m"                                     
For big    small   medium                                   
Explains why b s m beats the rest.                          
              O O                                           
 6641 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Irving Superior     P8801



An intelligent lass named Jo Anne,                          
Never lacked an admiring young man,                         
For her giant IQ                                            
(Giant other things too!)                                   
Was designed on a generous plan.                            
                                                            
 6642 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Isaac Asimov             



A buxom young typist named Baynes                           
At her work took particular pains.                          
She was good at dictation, (But the principal feature)      
And long explanations,    (Of this charming young creature) 
But she ran more to bosom than brains.  (Was..)             
                                                            
 6643 BOOBS - LOVELY                                     G0244



There was a young madam named Guest,                        
Who had a most beautiful breast.                            
A well-noted physician                                      
Reduced the attrition                                       
By installing a bullet-proof vest.                          
                                                            
 6644 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Albin Chaplin            



A bird in the hand, as they say,                            
Is no match for a breast by the way.                        
No matter the size,                                         
They'll give you a rise                                     
If only they'll come out to play                            
                                                            
 6645 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Steve Andersen      P0001



In the Klondike a story is told                             
Of the mountains encrusted with gold;                       
But of all them thar hills,                                 
It was big Diamond Lil's                                    
That the miners most liked to behold.                       
                                                            
 6646 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Hugh Oliver          111a



There was a young lass at the lake,                         
With nipples so nifty they'd make                           
The most adequate swimwear                                  
A reason for men's stare,                                   
And boggle their minds till they'd break!                   
                                                            
 6647 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Bill Doern               



The breasts on the waitress were voluptuous,                
They seem to call out to me, "Touch us!"                    
All through supper she teased me,                           
Then said that she'd please me.                             
But by then I had had an eruptus.                           
                                                            
 6648 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Canadian Joe             



The tits on Miss Fitz of West Cape                          
Bulge forth in such sensuous shape,                         
Titwatchers all drool                                       
(Nothing more, as a rule)                                   
And frustratedly fantasy rape.                              
                                                            
 6649 BOOBS - LOVELY                                     G0486



"I do like the perfume you wear,"                           
Said old Farmer Giles to young Claire.                      
"Remind's me of cows,                                       
Just like those in your blouse,"                            
He said, ogling her mighty fine pair.                       
                                                            
 6650 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady named Netter,                        
Who felt she could not have done better;                    
Stayed where she was born;                                  
Raised wheat, barley, corn,                                 
But she looked, oh so good in a sweater!                    
                                                            
 6651 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



To a lady whose tee-shirt said "Schlitz,"                   
He said, "I admire how it fits.                             
But he was a gent,                                          
The guy really meant:                                       
"Now, that is a great pair of tits."                        
                                                            
 6652 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Norm Storer         P9502



Anita, the film star attests,                               
That she easily passed her screen tests,                    
With a will to succeed,                                     
Great talent indeed,                                        
And a pair of quite beautiful breasts.                      
                                                            
 6653 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Mike Dale                



Soft breasts are what make a wet dream                      
For guys like me chock full of cream.                       
I like the soft lasses                                      
With cute heart-shaped asses,                               
Blond hair and big eyes of green.                           
                                                            
 6654 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



There was a young girl from Bligh,                          
Whose breasts were uncommonly high.                         
If it weren't for her chin                                  
And the bra they were in,                                   
They'd have poked a hole in the sky.                        
                                                            
 6655 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The nipples on girls from Frankfurt,                        
Are rosy and pink and so pert,                              
They make my eyes open.                                     
Old Willy starts hopin'                                     
And I am completely alert.                                  
                                                            
 6656 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



Mom, would that I'd never been weaned!                      
Since then, toward tit-manhood I've leaned;                 
Often times, I confess,                                     
My eye's grabbed by a chest,                                
But when I grab that breast, I get beaned!                  
                                                            
 6657 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Robin K. Willoughby P8701



"Oh Mary," cried Tom, "You're delightful,                   
It seems though, your bra is a mite full.                   
It seems you're revealing                                   
More than you're concealing,                                
Your boobies in fact, are inciteful."                       
                                                            
 6658 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



Arrange your clothes if you must,                           
To highlight a mountain of bust.                            
And remember the line:                                      
Cleavage is fine,                                           
And it's been known to inspire lust.                        
                                                            
 6659 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



A reformer who went out to Bali,                            
To change the sartorial folly                               
Of the girls, now admits,                                   
"A good pair of teats                                       
In season, can seem rather jolly."                          
                                                            
 6660 BOOBS - LOVELY                 McNaughty Book Lims L1370



In Newgate's a lady named Trish,                            
Whom the lads consider a dish.                              
She is oh, so proud                                         
To be well-endowed.                                         
"Don't touch, but look all you wish."                       
                                                            
 6661 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



Are those beautiful mammaries real?                         
They look like two truckloads of steel.                     
For that cleavage, Honey,                                   
Was it worth the money?                                     
Can you really stand up when you kneel?                     
                                                            
 6662 BOOBS - LOVELY                 H. Kleidman              



A girl, much too young, but her bust is                     
Sure making me horny, and lust is                           
Consuming my head                                           
To get her in bed:                                          
Her name is Miss Carriage, of Justice.                      
                                                            
 6663 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Lims For Year - 01       



A busty young barmaid from Harts,                           
Was the pub team's champion at darts.                       
When she steadies to throw,                                 
One can see mens' eyes glow,                                
As they all watch the girl's upper parts!                   
                                                            
 6664 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



They don't have to be super-size,                           
As long as they please to the eye.                          
Boobs all alone                                             
Won't make men come home;                                   
It must also be warm 'tween the thigh!                      
                                                            
 6665 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



I'm sure he'd travel a fur piece                            
For a taste of the honey's Comise.                          
But as to the pear,                                         
There's naught to compare                                   
With the pair offered at home in peace.                     
                                                            
 6666 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Daniel Ford              



Been under some teats that near squeezed me;                
But my dear girl, that just teased me.                      
Immense or petite,                                          
All bosoms are sweet,                                       
And none of 'em's ever displeased me.                       
                                                            
 6667 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



I don't like big titties that flops,                        
Just gimme those cute double-tops;                          
So pointy and pert                                          
They look so  alert...                                      
With nipples just like organ-stops.                         
                                                            
 6668 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Anon                     



A perky and beautiful dame,                                 
Her tits had a marvelous aim...                             
With nipples so high                                        
Pointing straight to the sky,                               
Putting all of the others to shame!                         
                                                            
 6669 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Cap'n Bean          P0110



My tits wouldn't win a boob prize.                          
They fit me; are average in size.                           
But I can still brag,                                       
They don't droop or sag,                                    
So have a look, open your eyes.                             
                                                            
 6670 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



As for the watermelons you covet,                           
Envision a champagne goblet,                                
Just palm size.                                             
Makes a nice prize;                                         
38B's you'll never forget!                                  
                                                            
 6671 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Azul                     



It's seldom eye-contact by guys                             
Is made with a girl.  No surprise!                          
Us girls all maintain                                       
That the reason is plain --                                 
It's simply that tits don't have eyes!                      
                                                            
 6672 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jemstone            P0103



You're tired of your young colleague's tit?                 
You'd prefer to look at her clit?                           
She'd not think it rude,                                    
But the boss is a prude?                                    
What a shame, you'd both be in shit.                        
                                                            
 6673 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm glad that you're back, dearest Wuzzums;                 
We're lacking here in those that huzzums.                   
You know what I mean;                                       
Those things that are seen                                  
On ladies nice chests, they are buzzumz.                    
                                                            
 6674 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



To be between Ursula's legs so divine                       
A fortunate soul gets to dine.                              
She rhymes with the best                                    
Now peek under her vest;                                    
Even priests think they are a great sign.                   
                                                            
 6675 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



Playing poker with busty Miss Ware,                         
He announced, as he folded with flair,                      
"I had four of a kind,                                      
But those aces, combined,                                   
Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair!"                
                                                            
 6676 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



The left teat of sweet Miss NcNair                          
I consider the best of her pair.                            
When I sit at her right                                     
And squeeze it each night,                                  
It sure makes her old parents stare.                        
                                                            
 6677 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Grand Prix Lim  563 G0393



There was a young lady called Valerie,                      
Who started to count every calorie.                         
Said her boss in disgust,                                   
"If you lose half your bust,                                
Then you're only worth half of your salary."                
                                                            
 6678 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



I simply could not get enough                               
Of that enticing, inviting muff;                            
Those pert, ample breasts                                   
Sculpted to impress,                                        
Guys like me who like that kind of stuff.                   
                                                            
 6679 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



A Cuban big titter named Lou                                
Had glands a real pleasure to view.                         
To match them for size                                      
Castro and his guys                                         
Searched from Colon to Southern Peru.                       
                                                            
 6680 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Grand Prix Lim  417      



My friend Tom always uses "Chaloobies"                      
To describe breasts with nipples like rubies;               
Which to me surely beats                                    
That repulsive word "teats"                                 
Or knockers, bazooms, dugs or boobies.                      
                                                            
 6681 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Bob Giandomenico    P8802



No dancer, the buxom Miss Treadwell,                        
However, her clothes she does shed well.                    
Her voluptuous tits,                                        
Give rich old men fits,                                     
Therefore, I predict she will wed well.                     
                                                            
 6682 BOOBS - LOVELY                 John K. Roberts     P9212



No wonder the ancient Acropolis                             
Was filled with the masculine populis,                      
For the place did abound                                    
With the statues in round                                   
Of full-bosomed beauties, all topolis.                      
                                                            
 6683 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Goldie Tusselman    P8302



Since a top-heavy maiden from Yonkers,                      
Is equipped to make teat-men go bonkers,                    
Poet Goldsmith might say,                                   
Were he living today,                                       
That whenever she stoops, sir, she conquers!                
                                                            
 6684 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Her breasts are just like two young roes,                   
And I say this because...heaven knows.                      
I never have seen 'em.                                      
Or got in between 'em,                                      
As I'm stopped by those buttons and bows.                   
                                                            
 6685 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



As her globular tits came to view,                          
A drooling young fool hollered, "Whew!                      
They are such a delight                                     
To my beady-eyed sight,                                     
I regret that you have just the two!"                       
                                                            
 6686 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Grand Prix Lim  841      



His adolescence invests                                     
A boy with the hardest of tests;                            
When all of the girls                                       
Whom he'd known by their curls                              
Have suddenly blossomed with breasts.                       
                                                            
 6687 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Laurence Perrine    P8503



Two circus girls, richly endowed                            
For bosoms, won applause long and loud.                     
But on tour in Berlin,                                      
They just couldn't win;                                     
Two bare-assed baboons held the crowd.                      
                                                            
 6688 BOOBS - LOVELY                                     G0322



A toothsome young lass named Loretta,                       
Had good reasons for wearing a sweater.                     
Of the three that she had,                                  
Keeping warm was not bad;                                   
The two others were visibly better.                         
                                                            
 6689 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



The breasts of two broads of Coquitlam                      
Were so stunning, one couldn't belittle 'em.                
Their perfection and size                                   
Made a lot of the guys                                      
-ncontrollably drool, and bespittle 'em.                    
                                                            
 6690 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Keith MacMillan      104d



But before you do tell me, it's                             
Not two bits you meant, but her tits.                       
Are you really that coy,                                    
When they give you joy,                                     
That you call them thruppenny bits?                         
                                                            
 6691 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Anna has hundreds of suitors                          
Amongst all us London commuters;                            
We fight to sit near                                        
Her because she's a dear...                                 
Not to ogle her heavenly hOOters.                           
                                                            
 6692 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



I'm now feeling just a bit better,                          
But rain is making the dirt wetter.                         
I'll brush down the dirt                                    
But not with your skirt...                                  
What're those you've got under your sweater?                
                                                            
 6693 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



A busty young lady named Laura                              
Has a very congenial aura.                                  
Her wit and her charm                                       
Will do you no harm,                                        
And her breasts are unlikely to bore 'ya.                   
                                                            
 6694 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Pedro J. Saavedra   P8302



I once knew a young girl named Kitty;                       
She was exceptionally pretty --                             
Beauty so rare,                                             
None could compare                                          
To her big, round pair of nice titty.                       
                                                            
 6695 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Gearhart                 



My bodice is filled with delight                            
That would stun you if you saw the sight                    
Of voluptuous mounds,                                       
Of the flesh that astounds,                                 
When I'm wearing a tube top, skin-tight.                    
                                                            
 6696 BOOBS - LOVELY                                          



Lilly, sweet singer so rare,                                
Combined with a cute derriere.                              
Your singing's sublime,                                     
And angel with rhyme,                                       
But it's your peaks we all want to share.                   
                                                            
 6697 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Carol                    



Said a beauty from British Columbia                         
To her boyfriend, "How stupidly dumbia;                     
I'm sure that my chest                                      
Is the best in the west,                                    
And so why are you sucking your thumbia?"                   
                                                            
 6698 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Hugh Oliver           97a



The fruit seller Mary Kildare                               
Caused all the young fellows to stare.                      
Her citrus and grape                                        
Didn't cause them to gape,                                  
But what did was her wonderful pair.                        
                                                            
 6699 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Parker Waterman     P0203



A superbly stacked starlet named Wise                       
Wore tight sweaters that tempted the guys,                  
To try to go get 'em,                                       
If only she'd let 'em                                       
Pull the wool over both of her eyes.                        
                                                            
 6700 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Armand E Singer        49



The boobs on a beauty of Easton                             
Hung out for admirers to feast on,                          
And would gracefully rise                                   
For a few of the guys,                                      
Like the tips of her tits had some yeast on.                
                                                            
 6701 BOOBS - LOVELY                 Hugh Oliver         A060A



A buxom young beauty of Spitz                               
Bared lovely, voluptuous teats,                             
Provoking a Pole                                            
Till his spunk filled her hole,                             
While his hands had her squirming in fits.                  
                                                            
 6702 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                            G0189



"Listen Bud," cried the maiden from Spitz,                  
"You'll find all gals' crotches have splits.                
I have the rag on today,                                    
So there'll be no bed play,                                 
And take your big mitts off my tits!"                       
                                                            
 6703 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                            G0190



Rose's are red ('cause she's hot)                           
And Violet's are blue ('cause she's not).                   
Whether hot, whether cold,                                  
Nipples standing out bold,                                  
Cause me trouser commotion a lot.                           
                                                            
 6704 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                                 



And you my dear Valentine A.                                
J.L. ladies cause trouser affray.                           
Whether hot, whether cold,                                  
You're a joy to behold,                                     
And my knob is all yours for the day.                       
                                                            
 6705 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                                 



A beautiful Lady named Butts                                
Was God, gas, grease, gamboge, and guts.                    
The dairies of Dorset                                       
That bulged from her corset                                 
Were highly esteemed by the Knuts. (what's a Knut - McW)    
(gamboge - yellow resin pigment and cathartic)              
 6706 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                            G0279



I wanted that sensitive slut's                              
Young soul to bed out in my hut's                           
Back garden.  A rose                                        
To bewitch both my nose                                     
And my eyes, but -- Oh, too many but's!                     
                                                            
 6707 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                            G0280



Please, don't lecture me, please.                           
Will it help if I get on my knees                           
And start begging again?                                    
I will try and refrain                                      
From succubing to 44C's.                                    
                                                            
 6708 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Your B-cups are all I require,                              
For they set me aflame and afire;                           
When I suck at the tips                                     
Of your pert little nips,                                   
I go weak in the knees with desire.                         
                                                            
 6709 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



But maybe some help from a shrink,                          
Will allow me more clearly to think                         
Of the reasons behind                                       
This fixation of mind,                                      
And get rid of my mammary kink.                             
                                                            
 6710 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



If I was a patient of yours,                                
I am sure you'd soon get to the cause                       
Of my tit fascination                                       
And curb my temptation,                                     
Of romping with floozies and whores.                        
                                                            
 6711 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Your talent is very apparent                                
But your Muse is simply aberrant...                         
She confines you to balls                                   
And vaginal walls...                                        
Do you think, in your brain, she's inherent?                
                                                            
 6712 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        TuttaGioia               



You probably think I'm a nutter                             
When musing on titties and utter                            
such sentiments but,                                        
Though addicted to smut,                                    
I am utterly gutted, dear Tutta.                            
                                                            
 6713 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



To think you believe I am strange                           
With a limited limerick range,                              
Which confines me to tits;                                  
Yes, I know it's the pits,                                  
But I'm very unlikely to change.                            
                                                            
 6714 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



It's a case of the kettle and pot;                          
For I've read all your verses a lot,                        
And I like them; but Tutta                                  
You're in the same gutta                                    
As most of us; like it or not.                              
                                                            
 6715 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Now I know that I don't post enough                         
Of the clean esoterical stuff,                              
But I would if I could;                                     
Do you think that I should?                                 
I'm afraid I might find it too tough.                       
                                                            
 6716 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



For I don't know my Freud from my Jung,                     
And I cannot distinguish among                              
All the literary stuff,                                     
You can spout off the cuff.                                 
(Though I'm probably much better hung!)                     
                                                            
 6717 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Intellectually not as inclined                              
As you obviously are in your mind,                          
I will try to write teasing,                                
Aesthetically pleasing                                      
Short verses more highly refined.                           
                                                            
 6718 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



But at literature, I am a dunce,                            
Though I did learn some poetry once.                        
Dostoevsky I've read,                                       
But it damaged my head,                                     
So I turned to mathematical stunts.                         
                                                            
 6719 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Quite determined to prove I could do                        
Them as well as old Euclid and New-                         
ton and Einstein (whose Theory                              
I question and query,                                       
But I guess that it's probably true).                       
                                                            
 6720 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



I can add and subtract in my head,                          
But division just fills me with dread;                      
I can multiply numbers                                      
As long as cucumbers...                                     
(Now what was the point of this thread?)                    
                                                            
 6721 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Well I've used up Einsteinian time                          
In composing this limerick rhyme.                           
So I'll post it before                                      
I have written it. Cor!                                     
Take at look at those titties sublime.                      
                                                            
 6722 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Your breasts are a feast for my eyes;                       
They should never be fastened with ties,                    
But left free to entrance                                   
All men with their dance,                                   
And cause them to languish in sighs.                        
                                                            
 6723 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                                 



Could it be now you're telling sweet lies?                  
Or is something there wrong with your eyes?                 
I still haven't unpacked                                    
These breasts that you smacked.                             
To take closer looks would be wise.                         
                                                            
 6724 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                                 



My lust has no scruple or qualm,                            
Though I'm trying myself to becalm;                         
I must ask, maiden pure,                                    
If it's not premature,                                      
I would fain snuggle one in my palm.                        
                                                            
 6725 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                                 



I've got a craving for melon;                               
Yours appear ripe, are you sellin'?                         
Or are they just free                                       
For pickin' by me?                                          
This year's crop seems to be swellin'.                      
                                                            
 6726 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                                 



How do you grow such a large batch,                         
Each year in your canteloupe patch.                         
Must be fertile ground;                                     
The best to be found;                                       
Your meadow, too, grows thick as thatch.                    
                                                            
 6727 BOOBS - LOVELY - SERIES                                 



There was a Young Lady of Norway,                           
Who casually sat in a doorway;                              
When the door squeezed her tit,                             
She exclaimed, "What of it?                                 
Although I admit it's a poor way."                          
                                                            
 6728 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Edwardian Leer 036       



With both hands employed, eager Hector,                     
Told an over-ripe kid as he necked her,                     
For the ENDSVILLE caress,                                   
Let's get under your dress...                               
Down there in your sexual sector."                          
                                                            
 6729 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim  687      



Young Ericka soon became Dux'a                              
Her college by saying just "Shucks'a"                       
'Cause right after class                                    
The Prof patted her ass,                                    
And fondled the both of her buxa.                           
                                                            
 6730 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



A buck in his prime is Doc Seaton,                          
But his interest is sex is too fleetin'.                    
He came to Twin Cities                                      
To fondle pink titties,                                     
But anything more he calls cheatin'!                        
                                                            
 6731 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Rambling Rose            



Are those bountiful mammaries real?                         
Or have surgeons increased their appeal?                    
Is your bra stuffed with latex,                             
Or just a big Playtex                                       
With D-cups? Can I steal a feel?                            
                                                            
 6732 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



A beggar who alleys did comb                                
Accosted a harlot in Rome.                                  
With a passionate appeal,                                   
He requested a feel;                                        
She said charity starts right at home.                      
                                                            
 6733 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1844



Charlie was ashamed and felt shitty                         
When he grabbed the wrong woman's titty.                    
His wife, unaware                                           
That his hand had gone there...                             
So Charlie is now sitting pretty.                           
                                                            
 6734 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Buckeye                  



A lady I know, rather merry,                                
Spilt a glass of Babycham Perry.                            
It made quite a mess                                        
Down the front of her dress,                                
But what fun as I looked for the cherry!                    
                                                            
 6735 BOOBS - MASSAGED               R. Walsh                 



The tits said, "You wanted to squeeze us.                   
You thought that it might just appease us.                  
Don't fumble with snaps;                                    
Just pull down the straps,                                  
And let's get it on; don't just tease us."                  
                                                            
 6736 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Al Willis           P9708



Said a busty young bunny named Maugham,                     
"I do wish the guys would keep calm.                        
They twiddle my teats                                       
With their hot, sticky mitts,                               
And it drives me half daft when they paw 'em."              
                                                            
 6737 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim  501 G0128



There once was a lassie from Bandon,                        
Who said to her man: "Keep your hand on,                    
I admire your technique,                                    
It's simply unique,                                         
But my breasts are to love - not to land on."               
                                                            
 6738 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Linda Marsh Coll         



A musical maiden from Fromme,                               
Allowed her friend's finger to roam;                        
He taught her the score--                                   
Then gave an encore                                         
On her other erogenous dome.                                
                                                            
 6739 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Harold C Bibby           



The vicar, in his memorandum,                               
Said: "Gals with large nipples should band 'em              
To hide their protrusion,                                   
Or else, in confusion,                                      
Allow me to pinch and expand 'em.                           
                                                            
 6740 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Travis Brasell           



My "Chicken" seemed very depressed.                         
She was worried about her blood test.                       
I soothed all her fear,                                     
Then removed her brassiere,                                 
And I dallied with her "Chicken" breast.                    
                                                            
 6741 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



For the boyfriend of Jessica Jetter,                        
His chances were not getting better                         
To bond with her dad,                                       
When he'd spotted the lad                                   
With his hands up the front of her sweater.                 
                                                            
 6742 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Cap'n Bean          P0310



While swimming one day in the pool,                         
Johnny was playing the fool.                                
He squealed with delight                                    
As he gave her a fright,                                    
And felt up the teacher from school.                        
                                                            
 6743 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Anon                     



To his forty-inch buster, Bill Keats,                       
Exclaimed as he fondled her teats,                          
"There's nothing so glamorous                               
As milk glands THIS mammarous...                            
Fie on falsies and similar cheats.                          
                                                            
 6744 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim  389      



I go nuts when I hear some girls stutter;                   
Especially on hearing them mutter:                          
You may fondle my tits,                                     
But don't shake them to bits.                               
Can't make heads nor tails from this clutter!               
                                                            
 6745 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



A comfier object there ain't                                
And a woman who shares is a saint.                          
So don't bother to measure,                                 
Just fondle with pleasure,                                  
And banish all thought of complaint.                        
                                                            
 6746 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Steve Andersen      P0001



If she hasn't a hole your bone fits,                        
And you're at the end of your wits.                         
Your weaknesses prove                                       
You'll both really groove,                                  
When you slide it in between her tits.                      
                                                            
 6747 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



When a fool with my mammaries fools,                        
A swift kick to the family jewels,                          
(I may be quite svelte                                      
But I pack a black belt)                                    
Will teach him to stick to the rules.                       
                                                            
 6748 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Eva Amata                



I say, if you're aiming to please                           
Me and my large 42C's,                                      
Have yourself quite a peek                                  
And a quick little tweak,                                   
When you grab 'em and give them a squeeze!                  
                                                            
 6749 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



"Are those beautiful mammaries real?"                       
Said her date, with awe and great zeal.                     
"Why no, you thick fart,                                    
I bought them at K-Mart!                                    
Now shut up and give them a feel!"                          
                                                            
 6750 BOOBS - MASSAGED               John Chastaine           



Lend an ear to the tale of two titties                      
Which makes implants seem itty bitties.                     
With nipples upstanding                                     
They demand glad handling;                                  
True muses of aphrodizz ditties.                            
                                                            
 6751 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Esther Koch         P0800



A nervous young maiden named Fitt,                          
Remarked as I fondled her tit:                              
"I feel very funny,                                         
So skip the tits, honey,                                    
I'll get so hot and bothered, I'll shit!"                   
                                                            
 6752 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                   G1384



To the nuns, I sometimes give my pity;                      
Dealing with men must be shitty.                            
I chase them around                                         
All over town,                                              
While trying to grab their left titty.                      
                                                            
 6753 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Chris Tustin             



Nothing prompts a man's member to stand                     
Like the feminine mammary gland.                            
Those unadorned dugs                                        
Drive us titmen all bugs,                                   
And we grab with a big hairy hand.                          
                                                            
 6754 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim   29 G0457



Said a lassie who wedded a lad,                             
"I am fond of a fondling, by gad,                           
And his digital probes                                      
Of my lacteal lobes,                                        
Were the handiest offer I had."                             
                                                            
 6755 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Thomas A. Quinine   P8405



That super-hot satyr named Rex                              
Is an absolute Master of Sex,                               
With his hot, hairy hands                                   
Massaging girls' glands,                                    
Causing all the expected effects.                           
                                                            
 6756 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                   G2197



A curmudgeonous miner from Dawson                           
Was forever blashphemin' and causin'                        
A lecherous bitch                                           
With a hand on the itch                                     
Of her private preserves, with his paws on.                 
                                                            
 6757 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Hugh Oliver          112a



You know I like 42C's?                                      
But it's not a requirement, so please                       
If your mammary glands                                      
Need two masculine hands                                    
Try me. (But beware 'cause I tease.)                        
                                                            
 6758 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



Said the salesman to busty Miss Drew,                       
"Our orders are late coming through.                        
We don't have your brassiere,                               
But there's no need to fear,                                
I will hold up your titties for you."                       
                                                            
 6759 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin            



My weakness for tits I'll not hide;                         
It's a weakness I claim with great pride.                   
When in hand or in mouth,                                   
If I look to the south,                                     
My dick wants to go for a ride!                             
                                                            
 6760 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



Being single is really the pits!                            
All day long, I watch jiggling tits!                        
At night, no one's waiting...                               
It's just me, masturbating...                               
With my dick -- not their tits -- in my mits!               
                                                            
 6761 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Writerman                



The coed who this is about,                                 
Was tall and a little bit stout.                            
She was hot, but denied it,                                 
Though unable to hide it,                                   
When her sweater was on inside out.                         
                                                            
 6762 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Bob Birch           P0207



A enterprising young lady from Pisa                         
Was known around town as a tease-a.                         
She would only permit                                       
You to stroke her left tit,                                 
If you paid, in advance, using Visa.                        
                                                            
 6763 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a singer called Beason                       
Who was thrown into jail for good reason.                   
While doing his best                                        
His hands came to rest                                      
On the tits of a lady policeman.                            
                                                            
 6764 BOOBS - MASSAGED               U. K. Snag               



Said a helpless old fellow named Sands,                     
"I have lost all control of my hands.                       
When I see a big tit                                        
I go into a fit,                                            
For I'm partial to mammary glands."                         
                                                            
 6765 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0595



An able masseur of Hong Kong,                               
Massaging one time, did prolong                             
On buxom Miss Mabel,                                        
Who reclined on the table,                                  
But the way that he rubbed her was wrong.                   
                                                            
 6766 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2111



I sing of famed breast surgeon Franz,                       
An expert on mammary glands;                                
He thinks nothing is better                                 
Than to lift a girl's sweater                               
And measure her girth with his hands.                       
                                                            
 6767 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Armand E Singer       919



A teat connoisseur from North Ealing                        
Said, "A flat-busted babe ain't appealing.                  
What you want's a BIG gland                                 
You can knead with your hand,                               
And evoke groans and moans when you're feeling.             
                                                            
 6768 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                   G0416



Dr. Ruth showed how each lady's spouse                      
Should manipulate tits 'neath her blouse.                   
As the ladies all beamed,                                   
In their panties they creamed --                            
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
 6769 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Phil Cannibal       P9010



As he fondled Miss Wister's bazoom,                         
Her fiance slipped into the room                            
And said, "Look, Snigglefritz,                              
Take your mitts from her tits,                              
Or I'll use your rear end for a broom!"                     
                                                            
 6770 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim  282      



If just one of my glands make you harden                    
Then you may find you have to cry pardon.                   
Both would make you explode                                 
At the Tottenham Road                                       
And black out before Covent Garden.                         
                                                            
 6771 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



The expert touch of your hands,                             
Caressing my mammary glands,                                
Makes the pain go away.                                     
Now my mind is astray,                                      
And thinking of something more grand.                       
                                                            
 6772 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



When Schmidt dated well-bred Miss Alice,                    
They went to the new movie palace.                          
She said to him, "Schmidt,                                  
You can play with my tit,                                   
If you let me hang onto your phallus."                      
                                                            
 6773 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1925



A maiden who wrote of big cities,                           
Sang songs full of love, fun and pities.                    
Sold her stuff at the shop                                  
Of a musical wop,                                           
Who played with her soft little titties.                    
(Who played all her soft little ditties.)                   
 6774 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                   L0020



Said Suzie, the floozy, "I squeal                           
When a heel reaches up for a feel.                          
Though I really don't mind;                                 
The big job, I find                                         
Is to make the squeal sound like it's real!"                
                                                            
 6775 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim  968      



She fainted and fell on the bed.                            
"Why not rub her wrists, cousin Ed?"                        
He gave it a try                                            
When a vendor passed by,                                    
"RUBBER BALLOONS!" is what the guy said.                    
                                                            
 6776 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Al Willis           P9711



Groused a well-endowed barmaid named Rust,                  
To a patron who fondled her bust:                           
"It sure makes me nervous                                   
To furnish you service,                                     
While I shield my best parts from your lust."               
                                                            
 6777 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Armand E Singer        52



Are those bountiful mammaries real?                         
Come here, let me give them a feel.                         
Yes, both right and left                                    
Have firmness and heft --                                   
They've earned my Triple-A Seal.                            
                                                            
 6778 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Jim Thompson             



I might have to accept that she's real.                     
To be certain, I'd need a good feel.                        
It would be a pity                                          
To miss out on good titty,                                  
So her bra I will have to unpeel.                           
                                                            
 6779 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Bob Mornington           



Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep,                        
"I'm so tired and worn I could weep.                        
It's my husband's demand,                                   
For a teat in each hand,                                    
And the bastard walks 'round in his sleep!"                 
                                                            
 6780 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                   L1230



A busty young biddy named Suggs                             
Remarked on her bounteous dugs,                             
"The way fellows get fresh,                                 
And go mauling my flesh,                                    
I'm afraid soon they'll droop like two jugs."               
                                                            
 6781 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Grand Prix Lim  959 G0463



So I said to this Irish lad, Paddy,                         
Do take care, don't run into her daddy.                     
That hooter you're squeezin'                                
Could just be the reason                                    
You'll end up a bruised sorry laddie.                       
                                                            
 6782 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



With my bust there is nothing phoney;                       
No implants or silicone-y.                                  
They're squidgy and soft                                    
And held up aloft                                           
By two hammocks and duct tape? (baloney!)                   
                                                            
 6783 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Joie de Vivre            



Just the thought makes me ache with desire,                 
And it sets my whole body on fire,                          
With a yearning to play                                     
With your bosoms today;                                     
At this moment that's all I require.                        
                                                            
 6784 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee,                                    
A teacher from whom you can't flee,                         
Would catch you 'twixt her tits,                            
And hide you in her pits                                    
Just to teach you the meaning of glee.                      
                                                            
 6785 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Dr. Dirty                



One evening on Crimewatch UK,                               
My heart was quite stolen away,                             
When Nick Ross confessed                                    
He pinched Sue Cook's vest,                                 
And was exiled to botany Bay.                               
                                                            
 6786 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Bill Wall                



Overheard down beside Lake Louise                           
Came her voice, wafting by on the breeze,                   
"TAKE YOUR FINGER FROM THAT!...                             
But I'll trade tit for tat                                  
With the warmth of your hands upon these."                  
                                                            
 6787 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Keith MacMillan       94b



Said a sailor just back from Viet                           
To his sweetheart, "Be patient, my pet.                     
I'll be happy to play                                       
With this breast today,                                     
But I want to save that tit for Tet."                       
                                                            
 6788 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Norm Storer              



Would all the nice ladies come here,                        
And I'll gently undo your brassiere!                        
I'll massage your breasts,                                  
And take you to the crest,                                  
Of an "O" that will please you my dear!                     
                                                            
 6789 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



From my youth I recall nothing better                       
Than a girl in a tight-fitting sweater                      
Who allowed me to trace                                     
With my finger the space                                    
Round the curves of her cheer-leading letter.               
                                                            
 6790 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Laurence Perrine    P8502



I thought that my dreams had come true,                     
Till the masquerade party was through.                      
Then the one so appealing,                                  
I'd been covertly feeling,                                  
Turned out to be no one but YOU!                            
                                                            
 6791 BOOBS - MASSAGED               John Miller 0142         



This woman's brassiere had to house                         
Two boobies like udders on cows!                            
But she was damn proud;                                     
She occasionally allowed                                    
Two boyfriends at once in her blouse!                       
                                                            
 6792 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Laurence Craft           



An elderly man was depressed;                               
His sex life was over, he guessed.                          
Then two girls in their teens,                              
Made him cream in his jeans,                                
As he fondled each tender young breast.                     
                                                            
 6793 BOOBS - MASSAGED               John Miller              



My knockers are up on my chest,                             
Which good Mother Nature has blessed.                       
My boy friends can steal,                                   
A slow or quick feel,                                       
Which I think is all for the best.                          
                                                            
 6794 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



On the pavement, all warm and bituminous,                   
The sunset we watched was so luminous;                      
Then I slid both my hands                                   
Round her mammary glands,                                   
And I found them quite round and voluminous.                
                                                            
 6795 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Cap'n Bean               



A beautiful woman named Joan,                               
When Billy-Bob got her alone,                               
He deftly caresseed                                         
Her voluptuous breasts,                                     
And her nipples grew hard as a stone.                       
                                                            
 6796 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Cap'n Bean          P0209



Ain't nothin' like wall-to-wall tits                        
To give me the blues-kickin' fits.                          
I'll lick 'em an flick 'em                                  
And come-sticky-dick 'em.                                   
Without 'em I'm lame, I admits.                             
                                                            
 6797 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



Lothario might take a week                                  
To give you the answers you seek.                           
So while you are tarrying,                                  
Excuse me for harrying                                      
Your boobies, but I want a peek.                            
                                                            
 6798 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Travis Brasell           



There was a young girl oriental,                            
Whose strength lay in matters non-mental.                   
When her boyfriend said, "Kit,                              
Would you like a tidbit?"                                   
"No, I like men who are gentle."                            
                                                            
 6799 BOOBS - MASSAGED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0567



Sometimes in good old Britty,                               
You can get a bit of titty.                                 
You must wine and dine                                      
With compliments fine,                                      
Before you get your bitty.                                  
                                                            
 6800 BOOBS - MASSAGED                                        



We could have a bosom contest                               
With Peter as judge to attest                               
The size and the feel                                       
(Silicone or real)                                          
To determine just who is more blessed.                      
                                                            
 6801 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      JoyClare                 



Silicone implants are just                                  
Not a natural part of the bust.                             
So I hope you're endowed                                    
With what nature allowed;                                   
You've made no enhancement, I trust.                        
                                                            
 6802 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



If so, I'll be willing to play                              
With your titties for most of the day.                      
I have often expressed                                      
An obsession with breast,                                   
So you know that my judgement's okay.                       
                                                            
 6803 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



I'll test them for size and refinement,                     
Of shapely design and alignment.                            
And just as important                                       
Is nipple deportment.                                       
I think I'll enjoy this assignment.                         
                                                            
 6804 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Now let me massage your shoulders,                          
Now let me loosen the holders                               
Of those mammary glands.                                    
(Oh, you've caught these wild hands                         
Testing the size of your boulders.)                         
                                                            
 6805 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Archie                   



I'm sorry I rushed things so fast,                          
But now that milestone is passed.                           
Can we move on quickly?                                     
I'm feeling quite sickly.                                   
The heft of your bust is a blast!                           
                                                            
 6806 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Archie                   



Before we are wed, ask my Mooter.                           
If she disagrees, don't dispute her.                        
I think she'll agree,                                       
My sweet chickadee,                                         
In the meantime, let go of my hooter!"                      
                                                            
 6807 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Al Willis           P9707



"If a 'no' is said by your Mooter,                          
And I have no way to refute her,                            
I'll have no one to please                                  
And nothing to squeeze,                                     
So I think I'll hang on to this hooter.                     
                                                            
 6808 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Al Willis           P9707



What's that?  A knock I hear?                               
Through the peephole I did leer.                            
With a devilish grin,                                       
I let her come in,                                          
'Cause my hormones were in a high gear.                     
                                                            
 6809 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES                               



She is such a pretty and sexy lass                          
That I gave her some wine in a glass;                       
It wasn't until                                             
She had her fill,                                           
That she would let me make a pass.                          
                                                            
 6810 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES                               



I asked her name. She said Helen,                           
And I do not go out with felons!                            
If you do the crime,                                        
You'll do the time!                                         
Baby, I just wanted to fondle your melons.                  
                                                            
 6811 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES                               



At that she huffed and walked away                          
Turned around and had this to say                           
You're pretty clever                                        
But I will not ever                                         
Let your hands in my shirt to play!                         
                                                            
 6812 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES                               



I'm caught in a blizzard of tits!                           
They're in and they're out of my mitts...                   
I'm longing for bliss,                                      
But I can't plant a kiss                                    
On a nipple that's having these fits.                       
                                                            
 6813 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Tutta Gioia              



I stopped all the swinging about,                           
So my tits need no longer be out                            
Of your gentle grasp.                                       
You're making me gasp...                                    
Now you're making me shout!                                 
                                                            
 6814 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES      Karen                    



To gaze at your breast would be heaven,                     
And the hours to caress -- more than seven.                 
Of their size, I've no doubt,                               
But you must let them out,                                  
Then between them I'll put my eleven.                       
                                                            
 6815 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES                               



But wouldn't you rather, my dear,                           
Instead of a wink and a leer,                               
Come here on the bed                                        
And feel them instead?                                      
Just wait until he isn't here!                              
                                                            
 6816 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES                               



Erogenous pips or well grown,                               
I love to poke nips with my bone.                           
And as for this chap,                                       
He won't need a map.                                        
I'm sure he will locate the zone.                           
                                                            
 6817 BOOBS - MASSAGED - SERIES                               



A's are too small for a squeeze;                            
I like handfuls of B's and of C's.                          
But for ultimate bliss                                      
I go visit my sis                                           
And I suck on her 38D's.                                    
                                                            
 6818 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



"Here's a tip for the smart newly-wed,"                     
The voice on the radio said.                                
"To retain your mate's favor,                               
Let him savor the flavor,                                   
Of Mrs. Baird's famed breast in bed."                       
                                                            
 6819 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Laurence Perrine    P9410



To men traveling down in the South,                         
Of women you'll find there's no drouth.                     
But it's best to be wary,                                   
For there are some contrary,                                
And you might get a bust in the mouth.                      
                                                            
 6820 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2314



A bulbous young lady named Sands                            
Resisted a fellow's demands.                                
When he started to claw,                                    
She busted his jaw                                          
With a swing of her mammary glands.                         
                                                            
 6821 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2277



It began with an offer of candy.                            
"I found your mounds really dandy!"                         
So the girl on the beach                                    
Gave him samples of each,                                   
Which were yummy but just a bit sandy.                      
                                                            
 6822 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Writerman                



There once was a marshall named Wyatt,                      
Who had a bizarre form of diet;                             
He said to Miss Kitty,                                      
"Hey, show me your titty.                                   
I'll chew it and knead it and try it."                      
                                                            
 6823 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Mark Levy           P9504



Joe was burrowing one day quite nosily,                     
Down the generous cleavage of Rosalie,                      
And, what made it more lewd,                                
They were both in the nude,                                 
So that they could continue more cozily.                    
                                                            
 6824 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



The men of the world are obsessed                           
With a forty-two, double-D breast.                          
A peek-a-boo nipple                                         
Sure causes a ripple                                        
And their own palms can finish the rest.                    
                                                            
 6825 BOOBS - MOUTHED                LadyJ                    



A forty-two double D breast,                                
Is entirely way too much chest.                             
Now a thirty-six C                                          
I just right for me                                         
In the hand -- a waste is the rest.                         
                                                            
 6826 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Kasodrac                 



Double D's are just fine for a ripple,                      
While A's aren't more than a stipple.                       
Just give me a cup                                          
Where the pink stands way up --                             
All I need's a mouthful of nipple.                          
                                                            
 6827 BOOBS - MOUTHED                H WHELCHEL               



The boobies of young Miss McBean                            
Are the two cutest mammae I've seen.                        
Which is why I propose                                      
To follow my nose,                                          
To the valley that lies in between.                         
                                                            
 6828 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Grand Prix Lim  957 G0388



As one of my favourite tipples,                             
Your offer is giving me ripples,                            
And here's the effect:                                      
My tongue is erect!                                         
Awaiting the touch of your nipples!                         
                                                            
 6829 BOOBS - MOUTHED                SFA                      



A maiden who'd grown fairly buxom                           
Discovered that though where she tucks 'em,                 
They're not unconfined.                                     
She's not disinclined                                       
Toward the fellow who feels 'em and sucks 'em.              
                                                            
 6830 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Blue-Eyed Devil    TP9806



Big mams are most admired by                                
Little guys who get hit in the eye                          
By a nipple or two,                                         
Making it black and blue,                                   
And wearing a patch like Captain Bly.                       
                                                            
 6831 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



There was an old sailor named Schlitz                       
Who landed on an island of tits.                            
When the nipples would function,                            
Without any compunction                                     
He'd avidly gum them to bits                                
                                                            
 6832 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                    G2499



There once was a man named Seth,                            
Who was asked why he was short of breath.                   
"It's my wife's huge boobs!                                 
They're like innertubes!                                    
And keep me half-smothered to death!"                       
                                                            
 6833 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Laurence Craft           



Your premise I've given a mull;                             
One handful's not much of a pull.                           
I don't mean to be tough,                                   
But it's only enough                                        
When both hands and my mouth are full.                      
                                                            
 6834 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Puff Adder               



The couple who live in St. Paul                             
Are in bed and are having a ball.                           
And while they are screwing                                 
Her nipples he's chewing                                    
They're both glad he's just 3 feet tall.                    
                                                            
 6835 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



Although Archie's the one I adore,                          
I'll give you a quick grope on the floor.                   
One lick at my breasts                                      
Will end all conquests,                                     
And I'll just leave you begging for more.                   
                                                            
 6836 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Jayne King               



Though not suckle-ers, if you please,                       
Men can be called suckle-ees.                               
When mere babes in arms,                                    
Or later, the charms                                        
Are found in fond mammary squeeze.                          
                                                            
 6837 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Chris Papa               



Fondle and touch if you must;                               
Lick 'em and suck 'em but just                              
Treat them so kind.                                         
Remember, they're mine!                                     
After all, they make up my bust!                            
                                                            
 6838 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Jim Weaver Collection    



In my Garden of Earthly Delights                            
There are houris in halters and tights.                     
They're unbeatable fits,                                    
And their bitable tits                                      
Are for keeping me up all the nights.                       
                                                            
 6839 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



I once knew a girl name of Claire.                          
I swear she had boobs out to there.                         
The boys loved to tipple                                    
At her larger left nipple,                                  
Where each of them could have his share.                    
                                                            
 6840 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Anon                     



A saucy young lady of Spitz                                 
To some boys showed a full pair of tits.                    
One she let fondle,                                         
To another gave suck,                                       
But the last one she couldn't stop having a fuck.           
                                                            
 6841 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                    G0762



All girls should have one nip to peck --                    
To lick on and suckle like heck.                            
First Leftie gets numb,                                     
Then Rightie wants some.                                    
The switching is hell on the neck.                          
                                                            
 6842 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



Dear bosomy Wuzz, are you sure                              
I can fondle and squeeze and explore?                       
You've allowed me to stare,                                 
Which I thought only fair,                                  
Now you say I can lick 'em and more?                        
                                                            
 6843 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Jim Weaver Collection    



"The chill makes my nipples go perky,"                      
Said the debutante from Albuquerque.                        
"To my lover's delight,                                     
They can stay hard all night,                               
And he can chew on them just like beef jerky."              
                                                            
 6844 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Tim Raptor               



It seems that some men can't be bothered                    
To lie underneath and be smothered.                         
With me, no such fears;                                     
I breath through my ears.                                   
While screwing, I like to be mothered.                      
                                                            
 6845 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



As for me, I just love lots of skin,                        
To bury my head deep within.                                
I thrive on deep billows                                    
Of mammary pillows,                                         
And pinkish pert nips 'neath my chin.                       
                                                            
 6846 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



Snuggled deep 'neath the eider-down cover,                  
Cuddled tight in the arms of my lover,                      
I twisted my head                                           
And greedily fed                                            
From the milky white breasts of my mother.                  
                                                            
 6847 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



Now girls are amused to discover                            
When coming, I do like to cover                             
My head with the sheets                                     
Lock tight to their teats,                                  
While frantically calling out "Mother!"                     
                                                            
 6848 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



With delicious breasts she is graced --                     
Her nipples are honey to taste;                             
My wife's pair is small,                                    
But I'm pleased after all,                                  
'Cause more than a mouthful's a waste!                      
                                                            
 6849 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Jim Thompson        T9707



There was a young fellow named Ben;                         
For nibbling nipples he had a yen.                          
Her breasts were so sweet,                                  
Like tender, white meat,                                    
That he called her "My Cornish Hen."                        
                                                            
 6850 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Ed Wolfert          P8212



On Maltilda's white bosom there leaned                      
The cheek of a low-minded fiend.                            
But she yanked up his head,                                 
And sarcastically said,                                     
"My Boy! Won't you ever be weaned!"                         
                                                            
 6851 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A fisherman out from Calais,                                
A mermaid ensnared in the bay.                              
He searched back and front,                                 
But found nary a cunt,                                      
So he sucked on her titties all day.                        
                                                            
 6852 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Albin Chaplin 3024  G0543



The tit doctor, Herman Q. Lee                               
Would check ladies' breasts for a fee.                      
He would fondle those glands                                
With his highly skilled hands;                              
With his mouth he checked nipples for free.                 
                                                            
 6853 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Albin Chaplin            



At one stage of the evening Dick Dipple                     
Remarked as he nuzzled Nan's nipple,                        
"For sex stimulus, this                                     
Is a point not to miss,                                     
But it's product I'd shun, as a tipple."                    
                                                            
 6854 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Grand Prix Lim  705      



By looking you can only guess,                              
Their firmness.  May I suggest,                             
That you have a feel,                                       
Of mine; they are real;                                     
Put your lips right there and press.                        
                                                            
 6855 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



Those glorious nipples of Kelly's,                          
Like raspberries balanced on jellies,                       
Cause trouser affray                                        
And explosions of spray,                                    
Quite sufficient to fill up one's wellies.                  
                                                            
 6856 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Peter Wilkins            



In these days of intense frost, all berries                 
Are more pinkish, like painted by fairies.                  
In the rush caused by tint,                                 
Let me give you this hint:                                  
Disappear many fruits such as cherries.                     
                                                            
 6857 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Ulla                     



I have one very nice nipple                                 
From which you may now take a tipple.                       
It's pretty and pert,                                       
So give it a squirt;                                        
I make it taste like raspberry ripple.                      
                                                            
 6858 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Michelle                 



Now Ulla, I do prefer cherries                              
To raisins and wrinkled old berries.                        
And as to those painted                                     
By fairies, they're tainted;                                
I'll leave them for Frenchies and Jerries.                  
                                                            
 6859 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Michelle                 



Like raspberry ripple, Michelle?                            
Is it secret, or please can you tell                        
All the girls that I know                                   
The recipe, so                                              
I can try it on those girls as well?                        
                                                            
 6860 BOOBS - MOUTHED                John Miller              



You only have one, dear Michelle?                           
Or only the one that a fel-                                 
Low so gently can sip                                       
While causing a rip-                                        
Ple of pleasure in every last cell.                         
                                                            
 6861 BOOBS - MOUTHED                John Miller              



Raspberry ripple is simply divine;                          
Men go for it all of the time.                              
But for the real rare ones,                                 
The braving and dare one,                                   
The other one, it tastes of LIME!                           
                                                            
 6862 BOOBS - MOUTHED                John Miller              



Lime is just super by me,                                   
The usual kind or the key...  (key lime pie)                
If you have ample,                                          
Please send me a sample                                     
Container, express C.O.D..                                  
                                                            
 6863 BOOBS - MOUTHED                John Miller              



Now, be your wealth mickle or muckle,                       
And your bed be four-poster or truckle,                     
There's nowt so relaxin'                                    
As a brunette or flaxen                                     
Haired girl with a nipple to suckle.                        
                                                            
 6864 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Tiddy Ogg                



When nipples of gals jut like toggles,                      
The mind of a gentleman boggles                             
At imminent danger,                                         
To which he's no stranger,                                  
And, wisely, he'll wear safety goggles.                     
                                                            
 6865 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Travis Brasell           



When you fuck little Annie of Anza,                         
You get a great bosom bonanza.                              
Sucking Annie's soft teats                                  
Makes her throw fifty fits,                                 
And the fuck is a sextravaganza!                            
                                                            
 6866 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                    G0509



There once was a woman named Hest,                          
Who had prodigious breasts.                                 
But to her surprise,                                        
There were many guys                                        
Who would have sucked them with zest!                       
                                                            
 6867 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



As he nuzzled hard nipples, he smiled                       
And said, "I recall as a child                              
These tasted like candy,                                    
And candy's still dandy,                                    
But compared to YOURS, candy is mild.                       
                                                            
 6868 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Grand Prix Lim  806      



Says a lecher who lives in Sioux City,                      
"I've a passion for nibble and titty,                       
And on Saturday night,                                      
Take special delight                                        
Getting down to the real nitty-gritty!"                     
                                                            
 6869 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Keith MacMillan     A051A



I think I've discovered a scheme                            
To make both breasts work as a team                         
Amber rum, triple sec,                                      
Trickled down from your neck;                               
Suck both nips for a Raspberry Dream.                       
                                                            
 6870 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



Juanita, she has a big bust,                                
And brassieres are never a must.                            
She relies on her breast,                                   
And says with great zest,                                   
"They're the only two suckers I trust. (trussed?)           
                                                            
 6871 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Your raspberry nipple's a dream!                            
But two would be better, it seems.                          
One right, and one left                                     
Leaves me bereft;                                           
I will see that you're smothered in cream!                  
                                                            
 6872 BOOBS - MOUTHED                                         



Sound the trumpets and strike up the band!                  
In salute to the Mammary Gland!                             
It's delightful to view,                                    
Delicious to chew,                                          
And delirious in the palm of your hand!                     
                                                            
 6873 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Grand Prix Lim   91      



A man with unquenchable lust                                
For a lass with an oversized bust,                          
Observed her roll dough                                     
While her bodice hung low,                                  
And cried, "Tasting those loaves is a must!"                
                                                            
 6874 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Macsam                   



This damned place is full of mad hatters,                   
Their language and morals in tatters,                       
Although I've seen it fit                                   
To caress a bare tit                                        
With my tongue, if you think that matters.                  
                                                            
 6875 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Frank                    



It matters a great deal to me;                              
I've not much to offer you, see?                            
No money or toys                                            
But I charge all the boys,                                  
To look at my tits, a large fee!                            
                                                            
 6876 BOOBS - MOUTHED                Michelle                 



The pig-fucking girl of Malmo                               
Said: "How many teats will I grow?                          
Most girls are through                                      
After growing just two,                                     
But now under each arm I've a row!"                         
                                                            
 6877 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Grand Prix Lim  472 G1278



The breasts of the buxom Miss Stokes,                       
Float buoyantly each time she soaks;                        
That's as it should be,                                     
Except she has three,                                       
Which makes her the butt of crude jokes!                    
                                                            
 6878 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Al Kracht           P9902



I once had a girlfriend named Bea,                          
Whose bosom was something to see.                           
She attracted the eye                                       
Of all passers-by;                                          
Where most girls have two, she had three.                   
                                                            
 6879 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Prob Henry Miller   P0309



There was a young girl of Saint Kitts                       
Who gave prim tourist ladies big fits,                      
For her bikini top                                          
Proved somewhat of a flop                                   
To hide the fact she had three tits.                        
                                                            
 6880 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Grand Prix Lim  220      



There was a young lady from Cheam,                          
Who tried out a breast-growing cream;                       
She woke in the night                                       
With a terrible fright;                                     
Another had grown in between.                               
                                                            
 6881 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         D. C. Hughes             



These bug bites 'tween my boobs are new.                    
I asked the doc, "What should I do,                         
They're swollen and red!"                                   
You know what he said? --                                   
"It looks like you have more than two!"                     
                                                            
 6882 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Way back, I was young and quite sappy,                      
And heard about boobs from my pappy:                        
"The more, son, the merrier,                                
Just look at my terrier,                                    
She's randy as hell and quite happy."                       
                                                            
 6883 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



A lopsided girl of LaGrande,                                
Who had only one mammary gland,                             
Often wept bitter tears...                                  
There's no one-tit brassieres,                              
And unsheathed, hers fits right in your hand!               
                                                            
 6884 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Grand Prix Lim  797      



I once met this three-breasted whore;                       
Licked my cock until it was sore.                           
She tried charging me triple.                               
In her hair I did dribble,                                  
Then I stiffed her and showed her the door!                 
                                                            
 6885 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         K M Smith          TP9802



A young lady from Ashton-on-Stairs                          
Have five breasts and three small spares.                   
There were four in a line;                                  
The efect was divine,                                       
Whilst the others were formed up in squares.                
                                                            
 6886 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Bill Wall                



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
Who pointed to the notice on her door:                      
"My prices to the guest                                     
Are pro-rated by the breast,                                
For all three, I add one-third more."                       
                                                            
 6887 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         H Myers             T9801



That lake where the water is blue,                          
Is where I first met sexy Sue.                              
She offered much more                                       
Than the average whore;                                     
You know she had four tits, not two!                        
                                                            
 6888 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Tiddy                    



You always can shock me somehow;                            
It seems, mate, you mated a cow.                            
A cow named Sue                                             
Would be a good screw,                                      
If my needs were not being met now.                         
                                                            
 6889 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Ian Jenkins              



Four breasts had the girl from Benares.                     
If she dates a man unawares,                                
It would give him the fits                                  
How to handle four teats,                                   
So she dated her boyfriends in pairs.                       
                                                            
 6890 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Al Chaplin          P9410



This young and vivacious Colleen                            
Had tits of a type rarely seen.                             
One, a fat titty,                                           
And one itty-bitty,                                         
And one was a size in between.                              
                                                            
 6891 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Al Willis           T9710



Take pity on Mrs. Smith's hubby;                            
A wreck cost her most her right bubby;                      
It's hard to turn on                                        
To something that's gone:                                   
What's left is all wrinkled and stubby.                     
                                                            
 6892 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer       951



He tries but with not much success;                         
The reason is simple, I guess;                              
If he bends down to kiss it,                                
He is likely to miss it --                                  
She's one undeniable mess.                                  
                                                            
 6893 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer       952



From this I extract some advice:                            
Good tail's just a cast of the dice --                      
One time you may get it,                                    
Then next you'll regret it:                                 
Most likely you won't have it twice.                        
                                                            
 6894 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer       953



A doctor from England named Doobs                           
Created new life in test tubes.                             
But all of his babies                                       
Were stricken with rabies,                                  
And most simply lacked both their boobs.                    
                                                            
 6895 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer        96



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
And up to three men could adore                             
Her copious chesties.                                       
A mouth on all breasties,                                   
And still they would cry, "Mmph mmph more!"                 
                                                            
 6896 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Sticky Wicket       T9801



You say that the term of SEXTET,                            
Has nothing to do with sex, yet                             
If the chest of your frau                                   
Had two rows like a sow,                                    
You bet she'd be more fun to pet.                           
                                                            
 6897 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Gary Hallock             



I got me this big 'skeeter bite.                            
Which made me think maybe I might                           
Just staple a bra.                                          
But then I though "Nah.                                     
I don't need two boobs on the right!"                       
                                                            
 6898 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Marlene Lewis            



A young maiden who had a third breast,                      
Always kept her hand close to her chest.                    
And I promised her well                                     
That I never would tell.                                    
(Write me privately.  Name on request)                      
                                                            
 6899 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Mary Jane is a lady from Mars;                              
Came to Earth on a ship from the stars.                     
But she couldn't fit in                                     
Nor hide where she'd been,                                  
'Cause she needed three cups for her bras.                  
                                                            
 6900 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Parker Waterman     P0206



The sight of three teats on Miss Witt                       
Causes hard-peckered lechers to shit.                       
When she pulls off her pants,                               
Guys haven't a chance,                                      
For the bitch never does want to quit.                      
                                                            
 6901 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                             G0817



There was a poor loser named Pitts,                         
Possessed of the weirdest of tits:                          
One covered with hair,                                      
One Goddamned near square                                   
The third giving teenagers fits.                            
                                                            
 6902 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand Singer       P0203



Our three-breasted cousin, Miss Drew,                       
Says she wishes she had only two...                         
The boys pinch and feel 'em                                 
For she can't conceal 'em,                                  
Since brassieres for three knockers are few.                
                                                            
 6903 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Grand Prix Lim  234      



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
Who told me, in fact, she has four.                         
One minute and inverted                                     
And can't be reverted,                                      
Besides she has no space for more!                          
                                                            
 6904 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Friar               T9801



I once met a three-breasted whore,                          
Who introduced several friends to one more.                 
The one I liked best                                        
Had a score of the breast,                                  
But by then I wasn't abreast of the score.                  
                                                            
 6905 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Al Willis           T9801



A bimbo imbibing a beverage                                 
Leaned out a train window for leverage.                     
When the OR team quit,                                      
She had only one tit,                                       
Which for Homo sapiens is the average.                      
                                                            
 6906 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Arthur Deex         P9306



A friend of mine swore he would neuter                      
Or sign with the Army recruiter:                            
The dish that he found                                      
Stuck out many a pound,                                     
But all upon only one hooter.                               
                                                            
 6907 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
A novelty on the dance floor.                               
Her attitudes cool                                          
'Cause you're allowed to fool                               
With the tit on her back if you're bored.                   
                                                            
 6908 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Oddo von Schlong   TP9802



Have you heard of a model named Fitz,                       
Well endowed with three oversized tits?                     
Though you may think it lewd,                               
She would pose in the nude,                                 
Driving painters clear out of their wits.                   
                                                            
 6909 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer     P0202



Mary Mullin had two pairs of tit;                           
Inconvenient when she had to sit.                           
But her partner named Jack                                  
Liked the pair on her back,                                 
When dancing, in his palms they fit.                        
                                                            
 6910 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Pentatettes? They all have five breasts,                    
Two on each side of their chests,                           
Plus a spare in the middle;                                 
All great for tit-diddle...                                 
Warm round smooth cozy love-nests.                          
                                                            
 6911 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Tutta                    



A busty young lass from Khartoum                            
Had one huge, enormous bazoom.                              
Upon her demise,                                            
Because of its size,                                        
They built a pyramidal tomb.                                
                                                            
 6912 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



There was a young maiden named Hoople,                      
Whose bosom was triple, not duple.                          
She had one removed,                                        
But it grew back improved;                                  
At present Miss Hoople's quadruple.                         
                                                            
 6913 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                             G0361



A large-breasted lady from Cowes,                           
Concealed a fat cat in her blouse.                          
Someone said, "I'll be blest!                               
Is all that your breast?"                                   
And from her six teats came miaous.                         
                                                            
 6914 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
Who constantly ate petit-fore.                              
All the while, between bites                                
Explained seduction rites,                                  
Expounding on sexual lore:                                  
                                                            
 6915 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Karina                   



"Disposable condoms? Pas Me!"                               
With exquisite accent said she,                             
"Parch 'que condom -- it cloak                              
Votre tool de la poke,                                      
One must voyez le pedigree!"                                
                                                            
 6916 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Karina                   



You mentioned the shape of her chest.                       
She is set apart from the rest.                             
She's different, you see;                                   
Most have two, she has three.                               
I think I have ended my quest!                              
                                                            
 6917 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Frank Fazed              



The one in the back just hangs there;                       
She wished 'twould be one of a pair.                        
People do question;                                         
Some made the suggestion                                    
That she just might be drome-dare.                          
                                                            
 6918 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Pilar                    



Kim was loved for each perfect, round breast,               
But she made a surprising request.                          
"I've decided," she said                                    
"That this left one I'll shed,                              
At my handicapped boyfriend's behest."                      
                                                            
 6919 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Mark Levy           P9704



A unimammary lady from Ulva                                 
Though centralized, had quite a full bra.                   
Great size, and no sags,                                    
Prompted sassy young wags                                   
To prefer it to viewing her vulva.                          
                                                            
 6920 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         James Waite         P9211



Hats off to a swinger named Gore;                           
He wed a professional whore;                                
She has three huge teats.                                   
She's great 'tween the sheets --                            
What else is a waterbed for?                                
                                                            
 6921 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Armand E Singer       813



Are those bountiful mammaries real?                         
"Of course," the girl said, "Want to feel?                  
They are soft to the touch,                                 
But I wonder...Too much?                                    
That I splurged on the three-for-one deal?"                 
                                                            
 6922 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO                                  



Up to his private office tripped Rose,                      
Where she suddenly stipped off her clothes.                 
Then his eyes turned to clockers,                           
Finding she had three knockers,                             
Though on Rose, they looked great, goodness knows!          
                                                            
 6923 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Grand Prix Lim  898      



She wears a short dress, very sleek,                        
Provocative, cultured and chic;                             
Her tits, filled with milk,                                 
Can be seen through the silk;                               
All three of them -- God, what a freak!                     
                                                            
 6924 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Mark Levy           P9703



I once met this three-breasted whore                        
With two assholes; vaginas galore...                        
In assembly-line fashion                                    
She'd unleash your passion.                                 
With her other mouth, she'd call for more!                  
                                                            
 6925 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Shakes Younger Bro TP9802



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
Who had triplets (that's twins plus one more).              
On each side, Nat and Pat                                   
Were contented and fat;                                     
It was Tat who the spare tit was for!                       
                                                            
 6926 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Crazy Legs          T9801



Four breasts had the girl from Benares;                     
Two men would start off her affairs.                        
Then a coin would be tossed                                 
And the young man who lost,                                 
Would retreat to reflect, on the stairs.                    
                                                            
 6927 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Albin Chaplin   3024-0399



In the quaint little town of Mt. Troys                      
Lived a mother who lost all her poise.                      
She had but one tit                                         
And she cared not one whit,                                 
Till the doctor delivered twin boys.                        
                                                            
 6928 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Al Willis           P9611



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
Who had one that drooped  to the floor.                     
T'was the one in the middle,                                
Used to dry up her piddle,                                  
And save her on Kleenex galore.                             
                                                            
 6929 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Friar                    



There was a young girl from Bermud',                        
Who walked on the beach fully nude.                         
Like her dear mudder,                                       
She sported an udder,                                       
But she bore it with great four-tit-ude.                    
                                                            
 6930 BOOBS - OTHER THAN TWO         Ericka                   



An embarrassing moment for Jill                             
Who with socks, her brassiere she did fill,                 
Was when boys being rude,                                   
Got a peek at her nude,                                     
And they saw her boobies were nil.                          
                                                            
 6931 BOOBS - SMALL                  Cap'n Bean          P0302



My frustratingly slow-sprouting tits                        
Caused hysterical sub-teenage fits;                         
In my dreams, they would swell up;                          
Waking, had they developed?                                 
No! Naught but a new crop of zits.                          
                                                            
 6932 BOOBS - SMALL                  Robin K. Willoughby P8502



There once was this guy named Ford                          
Whose girlfriend was flat as a board,                       
He'd suck hard as he could                                  
And pulled more then he should,                             
But soon even Ford got bored.                               
                                                            
 6933 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



The Sultan was pissed as can be                             
At the girls in his harem when he                           
Ran a big boobs contest                                     
To see whose were the best                                  
And his eunuchs came in one, two, three.                    
                                                            
 6934 BOOBS - SMALL                  Michael Weinstein   P8407



Neither fauna nor folk fondle Bea,                          
For she's failing in 'top'-ology.                           
'Tis her hailing from Norfolk                               
Makes Bea such a poor fuck,                                 
For as Norfolk is flat, so is she.                          
                                                            
 6935 BOOBS - SMALL                  Kathleen A. Martin  P8305



A girl who was really flat-chested,                         
In falsies heavily invested.                                
When she soon got flat-busted,                              
She was so disgusted,                                       
That she bought some new suits -- double breasted.          
                                                            
 6936 BOOBS - SMALL                  Sylvia Honig             



Mr. Isaac Schlemiel invested                                
In aphrodesiac devices untested.                            
When to his surprise,                                       
He drew women like flies,                                   
But sadly they all were flat-chested.                       
                                                            
 6937 BOOBS - SMALL                  Nate Birkholz            



"Her breasts are quite small," he decried.                  
"They're something like eggs," he then sighed.              
"But not the fresh kind;                                    
They boggle the mind.                                       
The eggs that I mean have been fried."                      
                                                            
 6938 BOOBS - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



In the dark with a girl in the sack                         
Said a finicky fellow named Mac,                            
"Though the tightest of fits,                               
It's a shame you've no tits."                               
Then she said to him, "Get off my back!"                    
                                                            
 6939 BOOBS - SMALL                  Martin Wellborn     P8905



With a slit that's as tight as a clam;                      
So wet it's just like Hoover dam.                           
As for whopping great tits,                                 
I can show you two bits.                                    
That mass more or less at a gram.                           
                                                            
 6940 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



Said the groom, "Please believe me my dear,                 
You have nothing whatever to fear!"                         
But his bride sadly said,                                   
"It's the nothing I dread                                   
That you'll see when I doff my brassiere!"                  
                                                            
 6941 BOOBS - SMALL                  Goldie Tusselman    P8302



"No matter," said Aunt Mary Jo,                             
"If you've no chest attractive to show.                     
Just puff up your vest                                      
And you'll look your cute best,                             
And haul in the boys with the dough."                       
                                                            
 6942 BOOBS - SMALL                  Mike O'Conner            



No need to be rude 'cause you're rusty                      
At dealing with gal's who ain't lusty.                      
My feelings are hurt --                                     
I know you won't flirt                                      
With me just because I'm not busty.                         
                                                            
 6943 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



Do not fret since you're small in such haste,               
To think less of yourself is bad taste,                     
When it comes to your bust,                                 
In this put your trust,                                     
Anymore than a mouthful's a waste!                          
                                                            
 6944 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



On the breast size, attention's misplaced;                  
It's all, friend, a matter of taste;                        
More than one, less than three;                             
Side-by-side, hanging free;                                 
But all of it, please, 'bove the waist!                     
                                                            
 6945 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



There are breasts of a size to be propped,                  
Some so large that my eyes indeed popped,                   
But in time they will drag,                                 
'Neath the waist they will sag,                             
Like two melons that must have been dropped.                
                                                            
 6946 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



A flat female, baring her chest,                            
Confessed disdain for the usual test.                       
"No natural selection                                       
By the size of erection,                                    
For the biggest ain't always the best."                     
                                                            
 6947 BOOBS - SMALL                  Kathleen Martin     P8809



Wailed Van der Rohe's daughter, Ms. Mitty,                  
"Regard the small size of this titty;                       
And what of it's mate,                                      
In no better state? --                                      
Dad, less isn't more, more's the pity!"                     
                                                            
 6948 BOOBS - SMALL                  Armand E Singer       738



His lover had very small breasts,                           
And in spite of her tepid requests,                         
He started in feasting                                      
On her lovely bee-stings,                                   
And she made some lusty requests.                           
                                                            
 6949 BOOBS - SMALL                  Al Willis           T9710



Her hair was her joy and her pride,                         
And her beauty could not be denied.                         
But her breasts were so small,                              
They became her downfall.                                   
They resembled a pair of eggs, fried.                       
                                                            
 6950 BOOBS - SMALL                  Al Willis                



On her wedding night, said a young bride,                   
"My appearance was not bona fide.                           
Though I tried to augment                                   
This most special event,                                    
I regret that my living bra died!"                          
(probably of starvation - McW)                              
 6951 BOOBS - SMALL                  Observer           TP9901



In the quaint little town of Biarritz                       
Lives a girl with two very small tits.                      
I don't think I'd mind them                                 
If once I could find them.                                  
Why, once I mistook them for zits.                          
                                                            
 6952 BOOBS - SMALL                  Al Willis                



Those implants just don't look the same,                    
As any real natural dame.                                   
And now Erm is slimming,                                    
Her bra isn't brimming                                      
With flesh, it's a criminal shame.                          
                                                            
 6953 BOOBS - SMALL                  Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a woman named Nor,                           
Whose chest was as flat as the floor.                       
It is sad to be said                                        
That in dark, in the bed,                                   
Men sucked on her shoulder blades more.                     
                                                            
 6954 BOOBS - SMALL                  Lims For Year - 01       



Obviously I have good taste,                                
And I do not speak in haste.                                
Whilst handling tit,                                        
In hands they must fit,                                     
'Cause more than a mouthful's a waste.                      
                                                            
 6955 BOOBS - SMALL                  Jayne                    



The flat-chested girl felt so rotten,                       
After a date she finally had gotten.                        
But God's oversight                                         
Served the bastard right,                                   
When he'd gotten a mouthful of cotton!                      
                                                            
 6956 BOOBS - SMALL                  Laurence Craft           



Tired of A-cups, poor Shirley U. Geste                      
Sought to purchase a burly new chest.                       
Well her doctor threw fits:                                 
"What, me transplant tits?                                  
Oh Shirley, but surely you jest!"                           
                                                            
 6957 BOOBS - SMALL                  Norm Storer              



There was a young lady named March                          
Whose mien was exceedingly arch,                            
But her breastwork dimensions                               
Would be helped by attentions                               
From either brassiere or some starch.                       
                                                            
 6958 BOOBS - SMALL                  Cliff Rather        P9009



The con man who'd never INGRATIATE,                         
With models young and emaciate,                             
Can never be happy,                                         
As was his dear pappy,                                      
For their mammae never satiate.                             
                                                            
 6959 BOOBS - SMALL                  Daniel Ford              



There once was a girl from St. Paul,                        
Whose breasts were so firm and so small,                    
Hubby said "My dear,                                        
Please burn your brassiere;                                 
It's perfoming no function at all."                         
                                                            
 6960 BOOBS - SMALL                  Isaac Asimov             



A limerick point can be smart                               
In describing the cle(a)verest art,                         
When there isn't a vestige                                  
Of feminine breastage                                       
On the girls who parade in the mart.                        
                                                            
 6961 BOOBS - SMALL                  Arthur Deex         P8311



A flat-chested tart from Vancouver                          
Took silicone shots to improve her.                         
But alas the effects                                        
Were concave, not convex,                                   
Which utterly spoilt her whore d'oeuver.                    
                                                            
 6962 BOOBS - SMALL                  Hugh Oliver          105a



A proud mother, whose name was Hermione,                    
Had her hopes all glistening and shione,                    
That her daughter, young Erica,                             
Would become Miss America;                                  
But alas, the girl's breasts were too tione.                
                                                            
 6963 BOOBS - SMALL                  Isaac Asimov             



A flat-chested girl of Noorat                               
Loved a sensual fellow named Tat.                           
Friends said, "This affair                                  
Won't get anywhere--                                        
She hasn't enough tit for Tat."                             
                                                            
 6964 BOOBS - SMALL                  Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



Anorexic in lingerie, Kay                                   
Would languidly lounge through the day,                     
Bemusing her suitors                                        
With glimpses of hooters,                                   
That measured no more than an "A".                          
                                                            
 6965 BOOBS - SMALL                  Norm Storer              



"Oh, Darling, you have such warm hands."                    
"Yeah.  Where are your mammary glands?                      
Good grief, you're flat-chested!                            
I thought you were breasted.                                
Your bras are made of rubber bands!"                        
                                                            
 6966 BOOBS - SMALL                  Marlene Lewis            



A deluded young man of Trieste                              
Was impressed by his ladyfriend's breast.                   
But he soon was distressed                                  
And he lost all his zest;                                   
She came out second best when undressed.                    
                                                            
 6967 BOOBS - SMALL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0361



It's easy to be full of glee                                
When your bra is a 42-D.                                    
But the gal worthwhile                                      
Is the gal who can smile                                    
With bosoms the size of a pea.                              
                                                            
 6968 BOOBS - SMALL                  Larry Wilde         P8909



A lass named Veronica Mapes,                                
Sported mammae the size of small grapes.                    
She started to scratch 'em,                                 
In an effort to hatch 'em,                                  
Till all that remained were the scrapes.                    
                                                            
 6969 BOOBS - SMALL                                      G0398



So much for that "Size doen't matter,"                      
And all of that "Small is cute" chatter.                    
Who wants them great big?                                   
Some guy who's a pig                                        
And who never would flatter flatter.                        
                                                            
 6970 BOOBS - SMALL                  Marlene Lewis            



A surfer who scores on St. Kitts,                           
Refuses to ski St. Moritz,                                  
Claiming babes on the beaches                               
Have perkies like peaches,                                  
While the tiny Swiss nubbies St. Tits.                      
                                                            
 6971 BOOBS - SMALL                  Travis Brasell           



"When breasts are," said Dr St. Pellans,                    
Enlarged to the size of St. Helens                          
Big peaks, just for show,                                   
Let everyone know                                           
Those mountains from molehills St. Melons                   
                                                            
 6972 BOOBS - SMALL                  Travis Brasell           



There once was a fellow named Blatt                         
Whose girlfriend was built rather flat.                     
But I've heard that he'll say                               
To his friends any day,                                     
"I'm glad to exchange teat for twat."                       
                                                            
 6973 BOOBS - SMALL                                      G0259



Fair Jennifer's hair is beyond compare;                     
Her eyes are bright and shiny.                              
Her lips are divine,                                        
In fact, she'd be fine                                      
If only her tits weren't so tiny!                           
                                                            
 6974 BOOBS - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A flat-chested girl was denied                              
Entree to a nudist camp pride.                              
After being so bold                                         
To bare breasts, she was told                               
That hers was a tit to be fied.                             
                                                            
 6975 BOOBS - SMALL                  Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A lass with small breasts wished to raise them,             
For when guys saw their size, it would faze them.           
Till a lad, Mark by name,                                   
Said he swore that he came                                  
Not to seize her berries, but to praise them!               
                                                            
 6976 BOOBS - SMALL                  Stargazer                



A skinny young lass on a whim                               
One morning went topless to swim.                           
The men she'd have wowed                                    
Thought her underendowed,                                   
And many took her for a him.                                
                                                            
 6977 BOOBS - SMALL                  Pedro J. Saavedra   P8210



Said a girl who bought things at Gimbels,                   
"Men all think of sex and sex symbols.                      
And they just feel disgust                                  
For my tiny, wee bust--                                     
For brassieres, all I use are two thimbles."                
                                                            
 6978 BOOBS - SMALL                  Grand Prix Lim  522 G0342



Young Kate from the village of Totham                       
Has far less up top than at bottom;                         
In fact so much less                                        
That it's anyone's guess                                    
As to whether she's got 'em or not'm.                       
                                                            
 6979 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



A bee sting, a blister, a bite.                             
Over anything which seems it might                          
Swell up quite a bit,                                       
She thinks is a tit                                         
And staples a bra at that site.                             
                                                            
 6980 BOOBS - SMALL                                           



A man there was from Kansas City,                           
Who dreamed all his life of big titty.                      
He drooled with a grin                                      
As he wiped off his chin,                                   
And played with his wife's itty bitty.                      
                                                            
 6981 BOOBS - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl named Dinwiddie,                     
With a brace of voluptuous titty.                           
But the boys squeezed them so,                              
That they hung down below,                                  
And one drooped behind and got shitty.                      
                                                            
 6982 BOOBS - UGLY                                       L1157



"Now Johnny," said dad, "Mrs Beecham                        
Has lessons you'll love -- she can teach 'em.               
Besides the old bag                                         
Has big boobs that sag;                                     
The short boys in class call all reach 'em.                 
                                                            
 6983 BOOBS - UGLY                   Travis Brasell           



Now Ermintrude's real well endowed,                         
Of tits, and is suitably proud.                             
Of this recreation.                                         
I've tried emulation,                                       
But failed, and I don't know how'd...                       
                                                            
 6984 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



...He do it, she must have been slack,                      
Her bosom just two empty sacks.                             
To stuff her old dugs                                       
In each of his lugs;                                        
Of substance there must be a lack.                          
                                                            
 6985 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



There once was a whore of Belize,                           
Whose tits carried down to her knees.                       
While showing her pair,                                     
Saying, "They pay to stare,                                 
For not a man can handle these."                            
                                                            
 6986 BOOBS - UGLY                   Anon                     



"No marriage!" they said, "It's the pits!                   
Our commitment's as firm as it gits!"                       
But it sagged as time passed                                
When his flag flew half-mast,                               
And she sported now-navel-length tits!                      
                                                            
 6987 BOOBS - UGLY                   Ann Gasser          P8711



Enormous Joanne was a whore,                                
Whose breasts reached right down to the floor.              
So she pushed them along,                                   
For her back, it was strong;                                
But bejaysis her nipples were sore.                         
                                                            
 6988 BOOBS - UGLY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old lady of Clapham                            
Who oft took her tits out to flap 'em,                      
And cool herself off;                                       
But should anyone scoff,                                    
Then she'd use 'em, quite rightly, to slap 'em.             
                                                            
 6989 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



When younger, that lady would tease                         
The boys with her 44d's.                                    
But as she got older                                        
They drooped from her shoulder,                             
And now they are down by her knees                          
                                                            
 6990 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



She never shows any compunction                             
For havoc caused 'round Clapham Junction.                   
The railway men say                                         
It's her mammary sway                                       
That causes the trains to malfunction.                      
                                                            
 6991 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



A loathsome young lass named Nelly,                         
Had teats that would wobble like jelly.                     
They could tickle her twat,                                 
Or be tied in a knot,                                       
And could even swat flies on her belly.                     
                                                            
 6992 BOOBS - UGLY                                       L1498



A cute go-go dancer named Kit                               
Grew a tooth on the front of one tit!                       
A swinger named Jack                                        
Said he planned an attack.                                  
Kit said, "Jack, if you do, you'll get bit!"                
                                                            
 6993 BOOBS - UGLY                   Don Tidwell              



Have you heard of the buxom Miss Keyes,                     
Who was proud of her tits, if you please?                   
Not to seem arbitrary,                                      
But they weren't ordinary,                                  
For they hung all the way to her knees.                     
                                                            
 6994 BOOBS - UGLY                   Al Chaplin          P0310



Big-busted Amelia Shawm                                     
Went bra-less, though ample of form.                        
But as Amy aged,                                            
Her bosom, uncaged,                                         
Went south, now they keep her knees warm.                   
                                                            
 6995 BOOBS - UGLY                   Tiddy Ogg                



Every time Lady Lowbodice swoons,                           
Her bubbies pop out like balloons;                          
But her butler, the cad,                                    
A most forward lad,                                         
Grabs 'em and plays "Kiss the prunes.".                     
                                                            
 6996 BOOBS - UGLY                   Arthur Deex         P0001



Her titties were double DD's.                               
In her bra-burning days of ease.                            
Now when she walks,                                         
Her lumbar joint balks,                                     
And her tits interfere with her knees.                      
                                                            
 6997 BOOBS - UGLY                   Mr Malo                  



A skinny gal from St. Moritz                                
Has a chest covered over with zits.                         
Scratching and squeezing them                               
And then she's teasing them,                                
Just in case they are one of her tits.                      
                                                            
 6998 BOOBS - UGLY                   Tom Patton          P0001



A gorgeous young girl from the West                         
Had hair all over her chest.                                
It wasn't too pretty                                        
But each tiny titty                                         
Looked just like an egg in a nest.                          
                                                            
 6999 BOOBS - UGLY                   Ken Elrod           P8303



To her doctor went old Mrs. Keyes,                          
And said, "I must have a disease.                           
I've large lumps 'neath my breasts."                        
So he gave her some tests,                                  
And he said, "Those are merely your knees."                 
                                                            
 7000 BOOBS - UGLY                   Bob Giandomenico    P0207



SENESCENCE I humbly embrace;                                
Unlike dear old friend "bra-less Grace,                     
Whom you may recall                                         
Aroused a loud squall                                       
By smoothing age lines from her face.                       
                                                            
 7001 BOOBS - UGLY                   Observer                 



There was a young girl from St Justin,                      
Bought a new bra to uplift her bust in.                     
But her breasts sagged all day,                             
And she, sad to say,                                        
Lost her trust in the cups they were trussed in.            
                                                            
 7002 BOOBS - UGLY                   Barrie Collins      P9601



'Tis shape that matters, not the size;                      
The pert ones give me the high rise,                        
Not pairs that hang low;                                    
To them I say no.                                           
Nips should be higher than thighs.                          
                                                            
 7003 BOOBS - UGLY                   R Rezel                  



Oh knave, large boobs are appealing!                        
Tits knee-length are made right for feeling,                
Whenever a girl                                             
Is giving a whirl                                           
When she hangs from my fan on the ceiling.                  
                                                            
 7004 BOOBS - UGLY                   Travis Brasell           



By no stretch are mine 44Ds,                                
But they're floppy and flap when I sneeze.                  
I'm an old hippy chick,                                     
And bra-less I flick;                                       
I can stir up my own private breeze.                        
                                                            
 7005 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



I'm feeling quite hot, can't you see?                       
Can you flop them and flap them at me?                      
Can you flick them and sneeze                               
And create a breeze?                                        
Cool me down, chick, then happy I'll be.                    
                                                            
 7006 BOOBS - UGLY                   Peter Wilkins            



I'll give them a swing, so stand back;                      
You don't want your eyes to be black.                       
I'll stir up a wind                                         
And might in the end                                        
Get a storm with a whopping good whack.                     
                                                            
 7007 BOOBS - UGLY                   Karen                    



There is a poor fellow from Yonkers                         
Who fears he is sure going bonkers,                         
Since he started last fall,                                 
For no reason at all,                                       
To grow outsized female bazonkers.                          
                                                            
 7008 BOOBS - UGLY                   Armand E Singer       902



A coquettish young lady named Pru,                          
Thought her peekaboo blouse was a coup.                     
But returned to the shop                                    
To declare it a flop,                                       
For the fellows would peek. . . And then boo!               
                                                            
 7009 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



What's with that 'least favourite lass',                    
Just 'cause I'm not nailing your ass?                       
Those pendulous tits                                        
Still thrill me to bits;                                    
Here, see their effect on my mass?                          
                                                            
 7010 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



An ugly old maid was Miss Schmidt,                          
As homely as two crocks of shit.                            
But her boyfriend was simple,                               
For he loved every pimple                                   
And he prized every wart on her tit.                        
                                                            
 7011 BOOBS - UGLY                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0325



Her Granny, when young, let none boss her;                  
When offered a bra, she said, "Toss her!                    
These beauties'll stand up                                  
Without a C cup."                                           
But nowadays, she need a C saucer.                          
                                                            
 7012 BOOBS - UGLY                   Ericka                   



'Neath her bra, lace and well trimmed,                      
For which she should not be condemned,                      
Was a small tattooed rose                                   
That she showed to her beaux.                               
Too bad that it is now long stemmed.                        
                                                            
 7013 BOOBS - UGLY                   Les Stewart              



A SENESCENT  lady named Grace,                              
Had method to hide aging pace.                              
Her system was flawless,                                    
She often went bra-less                                     
To smooth the wrinkles in her face!                         
                                                            
 7014 BOOBS - UGLY                   Observer                 



The "bra-less' treatment for faces                          
Retards the science by paces.                               
Aged boobs pendant                                          
Aren't independent                                          
And could trip when caught in the laces.                    
                                                            
 7015 BOOBS - UGLY                   Observer                 



Now I offer no guarantees,                                  
But please be fair, if you please.                          
I don't mean to scold,                                      
But when folks get old,                                     
They seldom hang down past the knees!                       
                                                            
 7016 BOOBS - UGLY                   Observer                 



A transexual lady of Gaul                                   
Had titties that hung like a shawl.                         
So to one of the pair                                       
She affixed some false hair,                                
And claimed that she shaved but one ball.                   
                                                            
 7017 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



The boobs of a floozie named Flo                            
Need a great deal of lift from below;                       
For without a brassiere,                                    
In the winter, I fear,                                      
She'd leave quadruple tracks in the snow.                   
                                                            
 7018 BOOBS - UGLY                   Rosie                    



I knew an old lady named Bitts,                             
What had the most ugliest tits;                             
She snuck in my house                                       
And took off her blouse,                                    
And she scared me right out of my wits!                     
                                                            
 7019 BOOBS - UGLY                   Cap'n Bean          P9809



There was an old milkmaid named Stubbs                      
With horribly pendulous dugs.                               
Her spigots were soiled;                                    
Her milk tasted boiled;                                     
She crawled with all manner of bugs.                        
                                                            
 7020 BOOBS - UGLY                   Armand E Singer       630



"Dont't put on a bra," said Bill Mace,                      
As he looked at his wife in the face.                       
"Just let your tits hang.                                   
I don't give a dang.                                        
They pull wrinkles out of your face!"                       
                                                            
 7021 BOOBS - UGLY                   Clarence E. Boyle   P8807



A well-endowed girl in our city,                            
Was arrested for showing her titty                          
To an undercover cop,                                       
Who said, "Lady, please stop;                               
You're a sight that's just not very pretty."                
                                                            
 7022 BOOBS - UGLY                   Al Girard                



When Lady Lowbodice dances,                                 
It increases our voyeurist chances.                         
Said her dear butler Hollis,                                
"If madame goes braless,                                    
She could tuck them both into her pantses."                 
                                                            
 7023 BOOBS - UGLY                   MrMalo                   



While dancing with Archbishop Smalls.                       
He said, "Madame, your dancing enthralls,                   
But step back a bit --                                      
I believe your left tit                                     
Is rebounding off one of my balls."                         
                                                            
 7024 BOOBS - UGLY                   MrMalo                   



A lady who jogged in the breeze,                            
Has bosoms that flapped to her knees.                       
Said she, "They're quite warm,                              
Keeps me dry in a storm;                                    
When it snows, I use them for skis.                         
                                                            
 7025 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



I once knew a young girl named Maggie                       
Whose bosom was terribly saggy.                             
She borrowed a bra                                          
From her buxom old ma,                                      
And then she appeared merely baggy.                         
                                                            
 7026 BOOBS - UGLY                   Glen Hughes         P0201



I know an old hooker named Fagg                             
Whose dugs are beginning to sag,                            
But rather than pout                                        
She waves them about,                                       
A signal to johns like a flag.                              
                                                            
 7027 BOOBS - UGLY                   Armand E Singer       675



This girls teats were quite rare;                           
They were covered all over with hair!                       
Her nipples were long                                       
As a normal man's schlong,                                  
And they whooshed when exposed to the air.                  
                                                            
 7028 BOOBS - UGLY                                            



While nude, the old stripper danced about,                  
As she checked the old geezer's spout.                      
Though boobs at him she pointed,                            
She was sore disappointed,                                  
'Cause it did not take the wrinkles out.                    
                                                            
 7029 BOOBS - UGLY                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0112



An exotic fan dancer named Ellen                            
Had one small and one pendulous melon;                      
The resultant imbalance                                     
Quite negated her talents --                                
Just how high she'd have flown, there's no tellin'.         
                                                            
 7030 BOOBS - VARIED                 Armand E Singer       775



Young Josephine's awful depressed,                          
Once more by the size of her chest;                         
When dressing or changing,                                  
Forever arranging                                           
Balloons up the front of her vest.                          
                                                            
 7031 BOOBS - VARIED                 Peter Wilkins            



Today though she's hiding away;                             
No surprise - it's a "bad balloon day",                     
With one droopy D                                           
Cup balloon and one wee                                     
One not very much bigger than A.                            
                                                            
 7032 BOOBS - VARIED                 Peter Wilkins            



Cried a silly old maid of Devizes:                          
"Mercy me!  My tits are two sizes.                          
Still, there's no one to see                                
How they look, except me,                                   
And I'm rather above such surprises."                       
                                                            
 7033 BOOBS - VARIED                 Grand Prix Lim  365 G1541



A young bodybuilder named Rex                               
Bought two bras to support his huge pecs;                   
Wore the 48B                                                
When he let them hang free,                                 
And a black one with D-cups to flex.                        
                                                            
 7034 BOOBS - VARIED                 Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young lady named Bates                          
Who amused every one of her dates                           
By keeping one breast                                       
In total arrest,                                            
While the other described figure eights.                    
                                                            
 7035 BOOBS - VARIED                 Isaac Asimov             



A lively young Wave on a tryst                              
Lost a falsie while doing the Twist.                        
Though she struggled to hide it,                            
Her bust was lopsided,                                      
And gave her a sharp larboard list.                         
                                                            
 7036 BOOBS - VARIED                 Limericks for John  P8404



A lopsided shopper named Gail                               
Weighed each of her tits on a scale;                        
The breast on her left                                      
Had the greatest of heft,                                   
While the right one was light as a snail.                   
                                                            
 7037 BOOBS - VARIED                 Cap'n Bean          P0104



This Patty from our music city                              
Was known as exceptionally pretty.                          
It wasn't her face                                          
That made us give chase,                                    
'Twas the size of her left-sided titty!                     
                                                            
 7038 BOOBS - VARIED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Chuckled canny old Mel from St. Helens,                     
"Tits range from small lumps to big melons,                 
But there's always a call                                   
For tits, big or small,                                     
From executives, artist, and felons."                       
                                                            
 7039 BOOBS - VARIED                 Grand Prix Lim  846      



My girl friend's astonishing teat,                          
Is as tough as an old catcher's mitt.                       
The other was lighter,                                      
And softer and whiter.                                      
I wonder what happened to it?                               
                                                            
 7040 BOOBS - VARIED                                          



A romantic named Percy Bysshe Shelley                       
Said this of Liza Minelli:                                  
While one of her breasts                                    
Is admired by my guests,                                    
The other one looks like Gene Kelly.                        
                                                            
 7041 BOOBS - VARIED                 Bill Wall                



While one is a 34-B,                                        
The other hangs down to my knee.                            
Since you say you can't sleep                               
Without one in your keep,                                   
At least sleep in the same bed with me.                     
                                                            
 7042 BOOBS - VARIED                 Pierce Evans             



To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,                  
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?                    
Has the east teat the least bit                             
The best of the west teat,                                  
Or is it a trick of perspective?"                           
                                                            
 7043 BOOBS - VARIED                 Langford Reed       L0152



I like just a tad of asymmetry;                             
It adds to a breast a sublimity.                            
A little more heft                                          
Right tit or left,                                          
I enjoy with bemused equanimity.                            
                                                            
 7044 BOOBS - VARIED                 Tutta Gioia              



I know of a woman named Hall                                
With one tit that's huge and one small.                     
This quite odd disparity                                    
Is truly a rarity --                                        
The only case I can recall.                                 
                                                            
 7045 BOOBS - VARIED                 Armand E Singer       192



There was a young man named Zerubbbabub,                    
Who belonged to the Block, Fuck, & Bugger Club.             
But the pride of his life                                   
Were the teats of his wife:                                 
One real, and one India-rubber bub.                         
                                                            
 7046 BOOBS - VARIED                                     L0264



Small breasts had made her life hellish.                    
Their fullness she sought to embellish.                     
Once double-A, these                                        
Are now double-D's!!!                                       
Now she serves them to men with great relish.               
                                                            
 7047 BOOBS - VARIED                 Ogmentation              



I found one for XXL rooters;                                
It's made for the species with hooters.                     
So why are the ladies                                       
Like limo Mercedes,                                         
But men's are like li'l Mini Cooters?                       
                                                            
 7048 BOOBS - VARIED                                          



A lady from Vanity Fair                                     
Had a most astonishing pair.                                
One listing to port                                         
Was the usual sort,                                         
But the other, to starboard, was square.                    
                                                            
 7049 BOOBS - VARIED                 W F N Watson             



I have got two very nice tits.                              
They fill out my blouse so it fits.                         
The one on the left                                         
Is feeling bereft --                                        
The one on the right's lost its wits.                       
                                                            
 7050 BOOBS - VARIED                                          



I'd say you have very nice tits,                            
They certainly are not the pits.                            
I'm gauging the size                                        
Just using my eyes,                                         
To see if they'll fit in my mitts.                          
                                                            
 7051 BOOBS - VARIED                                          



Big Sue left that car in a dash,                            
"Aw, shit! what a fine waste of cash!"                      
Said she as she ran                                         
To find a large can                                         
Then threw her left tit in the trash.                       
                                                            
 7052 BOOBS - VARIED                                          



When a symmetry-lover named Clyde                           
Spied a list to the left of his bride,                      
He cried, "Fie on that tit!"...                             
And she had to admit                                        
It was truly a tit to be fied.                              
                                                            
 7053 BOOBS - VARIED                 Thomas A. Quinine   P8405



Said a topless old woman (a whore)                          
Who was stopped at a church's front door,                   
"I tell you I'll fight,                                     
It's my divine right,                                       
Though my left's not so good anymore."                      
                                                            
 7054 BOOBS - VARIED                 Tom Patton          P0001



Here comes a young lady named Frances                       
Whose bosoms attract many glances;                          
The breast on her left                                      
Has such fabulous heft,                                     
That she veers off to port when she dances.                 
                                                            
 7055 BOOBS - VARIED                 Norm Storer              



There once was a girl from Cornell,                         
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.                        
When you touched them they shrunk,                          
Except when she was drunk.                                  
And then they got bigger than hell.                         
                                                            
 7056 BOOBS - VARIED                                     L0145



A matron who favored abstention,                            
Had breasts of unequal dimension.                           
When woo'd by her hubby,                                    
She withheld the large bubby,                               
Thus causing domestic dissension.                           
                                                            
 7057 BOOBS - VARIED                                          



A dancer, retired from the boards,                          
Has bosoms resembling gourds;                               
While one of them dangles                                   
Almost at right angles,                                     
The other's won several awards.                             
                                                            
 7058 BOOBS - VARIED                 Norm Storer              



The boy loved to romp and to rollick,                       
The youth loved a party or frolic.                          
The roll of the rabbit                                      
In time became habit --                                     
The man is a cute alcoholic.                                
                                                            
 7059 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Laurence Perrine    P8403



Larry drank beer by the flagon;                             
He drank till his old ass was draggin'.                     
Now he convenes a cool meeting                              
That keeps us from cheating,                                
And helps us to stay on the wagon.                          
                                                            
 7060 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bill S                   



A fellow named Chet was a jammer,                           
But booze got him into the slammer.                         
He stayed off the pruno                                     
And changed his old tune-o;                                 
And helps us stay cool with his hammer.                     
                                                            
 7061 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bill S                   



Uncle Willoughby used to go puce,                           
If he strayed far from pineapple juice.                     
He was really quite naughty                                 
To Auntie; his forte                                        
Was pure alcoholic abuse.                                   
                                                            
 7062 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



"My d.t.'s," said a regular wino,                           
"Have always been plagued by this rhino,                    
But since I confine                                         
Myself to white wine,                                       
He's changed himself to an albino."                         
                                                            
 7063 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             A. N. Wilkins       P8403



An ex-donkey driver from Durban,                            
Led to drink by the mores suburban,                         
Saw his asses give way                                      
To pink elephants.  They,                                   
He explained, were his new beasts of bourbon.               
                                                            
 7064 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             A. N. Wilkins       P8403



Once a drunken old cowboy from Tempe                        
Preferred drinking to gals in their skimpies.               
There is much less stress;                                  
You don't have to get dressed                               
In the morning to take out the empties.                     
                                                            
 7065 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Anon                     



An ASSIDUOUS sailor named Krieg                             
Said, "At drinking, no one's in my league.                  
But though I'm the best,                                    
I sure need a rest;                                         
I suffer from 'bottle fatigue'.                             
                                                            
 7066 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Observer                 



"I've been in some terrible scrapes,"                       
Said Krieg, "with my head in bad shapes.                    
But nothing compares                                        
With the depths of despairs                                 
That I got from severe wrath of grapes.                     
                                                            
 7067 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Hugh Clary               



AA has sayings that are terse.                              
I'm compelled to put one to verse;                          
This one I'll relate:                                       
"There's no problem so great,                               
That alcohol can't make it worse."                          
                                                            
 7068 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



CONFABULATION, mental ruse,                                 
Which poor alcoholics oft choose,                           
When brain is all mush,                                     
Then quickly they rush                                      
To get one more belt of their booze.                        
                                                            
 7069 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Chris Papa               



DIPSOMANIA, need for a vat,                                 
Or enough till you pass out flat,                           
Who would have thunk,                                       
It's a nice word for "drunk",                               
It's clever, and I'll drink to that!                        
                                                            
 7070 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Chris Papa               



Alcoholics are full of denial,                              
Despite that, they're dying the while,                      
Of organ necrosis,                                          
Like liver cirrhosis;                                       
They'll continue their drinking with guile.                 
                                                            
 7071 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



There was a young fellow named Schink                       
Who said, "I am thirsty, I think."                          
So his wife got the car                                     
And they drove to a bar;                                    
Now they say that she drove him to drink.                   
                                                            
 7072 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2782



AA is a wonderful group;                                    
They'll talk you right into a loop,                         
Of things inconoclastic                                     
And alcoholastic,                                           
And deposit you dry with a whoop!                           
                                                            
 7073 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



A drunkard, his own life defaced,                           
May yet entice others to taste,                             
And thus make his life                                      
For his friends and his wife                                
A staggering hazardous waste!                               
                                                            
 7074 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Laurence Perrine    P8403



It's true that some men are just stinkers,                  
But why pick on us heavy drinkers?                          
We do make a mess                                           
But I must confess,                                         
That next time I'll fit you with blinkers                   
                                                            
 7075 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS                                      



This man who very morose is                                 
Because of his strong halitosis,                            
Would get rid of his stink,                                 
If he'd give up his drink.                                  
It would also improve his cirrhosis.                        
                                                            
 7076 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Edwin J Weinstein        



"When I'm cold and my body's stone dead,                    
Give my kidneys to science," he said.                       
But the guy is a drunk                                      
And I'm here to debunk;                                     
His old kidneys are like gingerbread.                       
                                                            
 7077 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Al Willis                



Cousin Donald likes New Year's Day,                         
Except he calls it Hogmanay.                                
Blind drunk for a week,                                     
Is his social peak;                                         
Tries the next fifty one the same way.                      
                                                            
 7078 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Tony Burrell             



Said an old alcoholic named Sue,                            
When she dropped her glass eye in her brew,                 
"Imagined, my ass!                                          
I am certain my glass                                       
Whispered, 'Hey kid, here's looking at you.' "              
                                                            
 7079 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Cyber Geezer             



If one is a true alcoholic                                  
And problems arise metabolic,                               
Simply pay no attention;                                    
In prayers simply mention                                   
"I'm just being more Apostolic."                            
                                                            
 7080 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Theo M. Heller      P9308



There once was a golden Apollo,                             
Whose leg was thought to be hollow.                         
Though he said with a wink,                                 
"I can down any drink,"                                     
It was more than most others could swallow.                 
                                                            
 7081 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Edwin J Weinstein        



At AA they often applaud                                    
When you say you're a drunk and a fraud;                    
My wife didn't cheer,                                       
On that I'm quite clear,                                    
Though the rest is a bit muddled and flawed.                
                                                            
 7082 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



When Herbert attended AA,  (alcoholics anonymous)           
He passed when the turn came his way.                       
He said, "I talk fine                                       
When I'm drinking my wine,                                  
But sober, I've nothing to say."                            
                                                            
 7083 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Nancy Ashbaugh      P0105



A swig of the sauce when I'm cold,                          
Will warm me all over, I'm told.                            
The more I drink any                                        
The more I want many,                                       
Decreasing my chance to get old.                            
                                                            
 7084 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             R J Winkler         P8403



An alcoholic, paying his dues,                              
Sat trembling, on a very short fuse.                        
His house was darkened.                                     
No goblins harkened.                                        
His nightmare... a night with no boo's.                     
                                                            
 7085 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Clara Blue               



An old tramp lurches in one hot day,                        
To the stingy old barkeep, does say:                        
"Please, a beer I do seek,                                  
On the cuff 'til next week,                                 
'Cause right now I'm unable to pay!                         
                                                            
 7086 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Allen Wolverton          



This mean barkeep's about to explode!                       
Says "I cannot support a dead load:                         
If I sell on the cuff,                                      
Bill collecting gets tough;                                 
You old bindlestiff, hit the damn road!"                    
                                                            
 7087 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Allen Wolverton          



"I am dying of thirst, but I'm poor,"                       
Says the tramp as he sinks to the floor;                    
"I'm dehydrated, man;                                       
I must do what I can,"                                      
As he's hoisting the brass cuspidor.                        
                                                            
 7088 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Allen Wolverton          



With lips glued to that bowl, his throat pumps.             
Full of phlegm and tobacco-ish lumps.                       
Barkeep says, "Man, Great Scott!                            
You can't guzzle that rot!"                                 
All the tramps says is "guggle guggle gumphs!"              
                                                            
 7089 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Allen Wolverton          



Then the barkeep caves in with a frown;                     
"Take this freebie, the best brew in town!"                 
But the mucus and pulps,                                    
He still gurgles and gulps,                                 
Till at last, the spitoon he puts down.                     
                                                            
 7090 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Allen Wolverton          



Gladly taking the free beer to follow,                      
The old tramp in the sawdust does wallow.                   
Barkeep says: "Why the fug                                  
Did you continue to chug?"                                  
"Couldn't stop; it was all in one swallow!"                 
                                                            
 7091 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Allen Wolverton          



Maybe you should stop now and think                         
Before taking the very next drink.                          
If your mind is blanked                                     
When you get tanked,                                        
You may just be over the brink.                             
                                                            
 7092 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Arden                    



A cynic was once set to task,                               
'Bout interring a pal, but did ask:                         
"Why bother to bury?                                        
I can make him more merry,                                  
By pouring him back in the flask."                          
                                                            
 7093 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bill Backe-Hansen   P8511



When your drinking gets really outrageous,                  
Join AA to make you courageous.                             
Tell your friends, if you please:                           
"It's a chronic disease,                                    
But one that is rarely contageous."                         
                                                            
 7094 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



There was an old man with a face                            
That bore every possible trace                              
Of smoking and lottery,                                     
Drinking and pottery;                                       
He looked like a serious case.                              
                                                            
 7095 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             IOPE                     



There was an old drunk called Hieronymus,                   
Who joined Alcoholics Anonymous.                            
But with liver disease,                                     
The shakes and D.T.'s,                                      
The prognostication is ominous.                             
                                                            
 7096 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Ron Rubin                



A thirsty old bum in Rangoon                                
Went into a scummy saloon.                                  
There he begged for a beer,                                 
But they turned a deaf ear,                                 
So he drank from the slimy spittoon.                        
                                                            
 7097 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2921



AA is a group that's anonymous,                             
But hope is a word that's synonymous.                       
It offers recovery                                          
And inner discovery,                                        
And still you stay quite autonomous.                        
                                                            
 7098 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



AA is the place for a drunk;                                
They'll help you and give you some spunk.                   
Where else would you hear                                   
A rousing loud cheer                                        
When you say you have sunk to a funk?                       
                                                            
 7099 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



All my kindred spirits are lowly,                           
But will rise from the rocks, although slowly,              
Without any care.                                           
To that I do swear                                          
By the sacred and most alcoholy.                            
                                                            
 7100 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bill Bache-Hansen   P8501



If you find yourself drinking and lying,                    
And continually falsely denying;                            
For sober serenity,                                         
And selfish identity,                                       
AA is the one that's worth trying.                          
                                                            
 7101 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



When a wino had sunk to rock bottom, he                     
Was prescribed a prefrontal lobotomy.                       
He said, "Doc, I'll decline,                                
It would suit me quite fine                                 
Just to have a free bottle in front of me."                 
                                                            
 7102 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Giandomenico    P8906



Said a fellow who steadily quaffed:                         
"We must all meet the last call and draft.                  
My last wish would be                                       
A whacking good spree."                                     
Heavy smokers would say he was daft.                        
                                                            
 7103 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bill Backe-Hansen   P9305



The liquor of naive young Cotter;                           
Was soaked up by whores like a blotter.                     
They drank only straight drinks,                            
So said Cotter, "Methinks                                   
You can lead whores to drink, but not water."               
                                                            
 7104 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1478



She couldn't cure the CRAPULENT cop,                        
Irish who savored each drop                                 
Of booze by the glass,                                      
He never could pass;                                        
So she left him for wine sipping wop.                       
                                                            
 7105 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Chris Papa               



A cagey young wino would sit                                
With a bottle of wine in his mitt;                          
He'd refer with a shudder                                   
To a drunk in the gutter--                                  
If I were that bad, I would quit                            
                                                            
 7106 BOOZE - ALCOHOLICS             Bob Phillips             



The blonde on the barstool thus spoke:                      
"I prefer the unusual poke.                                 
I like it, when able,                                       
Bent over a table,                                          
Or spread-eagled under an oak.                              
                                                            
 7107 BOOZE - BARS                                       G0763



Said one of the Boys in the Band:                           
"I never have done it by hand."                             
Spurred by contumely,                                       
Laughling most gloomily,                                    
He added, "I hear that it's grand."                         
                                                            
 7108 BOOZE - BARS                                       G0764



The bartender reeled out his whang,                         
An instrument stiffened with bhang:                         
Of Old Adam's family,                                       
Oozing so clammily,                                         
A veteran of arse, cunt, and fang.                          
                                                            
 7109 BOOZE - BARS                                       G0765



With a leap on the lady named Lou,                          
He flamed up her arse with his goo.                         
Ere her limbs frigidly                                      
Stiffened too rigidly,                                      
He dealt her a murderous screw!                             
                                                            
 7110 BOOZE - BARS                                       G0766



Said mine Host: "This will not do a bit.                    
You are getting me ass-deep in shit.                        
Touch her not scornfully,                                   
Lift her up mournfully,                                     
Pinch her once more on the tit!"                            
                                                            
 7111 BOOZE - BARS                                       G0767



A nutty bartender named Bunch                               
Acts much like a guy out to lunch,                          
Squeezing smegma from hickies                               
Into well-stirred gin rickies                               
And dribbling his pee in the punch.                         
                                                            
 7112 BOOZE - BARS                   Armand E Singer       895



What phrases in the world can match                         
A "Bottoms up" or "Down the hatch"?                         
Conviviality                                                
Perhaps "This one's on me."                                 
Or else "Almost as good as snatch."                         
Or any word (a belch attach).                               
 7113 BOOZE - BARS                   Irving Superior     P9506



Let's go Honky-Tonkin', my man.                             
There's lots of them here in Cheyenne.                      
I want to go dance,                                         
Forget the romance!                                         
Can you two-step worth a hot damn?                          
                                                            
 7114 BOOZE - BARS                                            



In a Frisco bar, here's what to do;                         
Buy draft beer, plus a shot of gin too;                     
I, being no fool,                                           
Pour the gin on the stool,                                  
'Fore I sit down to guzzle my brew.                         
                                                            
 7115 BOOZE - BARS                   Allen Wolverton          



I was once told by one who should know                      
In the 20's, things sure wern't slow.                       
Some shimmied till queasy                                   
In every speakeasy,                                         
Entered in through a VO-DE-OH-DOH.                          
                                                            
 7116 BOOZE - BARS                   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



I sell the best brandy and sherry,                          
To make good customers merry;                               
But at times their finances                                 
Run short, as it chances,                                   
And then I feel very sad, very.                             
(trans from Irish poetry, 1777, Sean O Tauma)               
 7117 BOOZE - BARS                   James C. Mangan     P9705



"Otauma! You boast yourself handy,                          
At selling good ale and bright Brandy.                      
But the fact is, your liquor                                
Makes everyone sicker.                                      
I tell you this, your good friend, Andy."                   
                                                            
 7118 BOOZE - BARS                   Andrias MacCraith        



In a tavern for most of this year,                          
I've spent every night drinking beer.                       
The venue is seedy,                                         
The bartender greedy--                                      
But the John is an absolute Dear!                           
                                                            
 7119 BOOZE - BARS                   Norm Storer         P9507



I like when I'm quite at my leisure;                        
Mirth music and all sorts of pleasure.                      
Then Margery's bringing                                     
The glass; I like singing                                   
With bards, if they drink within measure.                   
                                                            
 7120 BOOZE - BARS                   Linda Marsh Coll         



I was lonely and wanted to meet                             
Someone who would treat me real sweet.                      
I went to a bar                                             
That was not too far,                                       
And I found a great market for meat.                        
                                                            
 7121 BOOZE - BARS                                            



You bow to the floor's very level                           
When customers enter to revel,                              
But if one in shy raiment                                   
Takes a drink without payment,                              
You'll score it against the poor devil!                     
                                                            
 7122 BOOZE - BARS                   Linda Marsh Coll         



An explorer who went to the stars                           
Returned to his home, once on Mars                          
And the story he tole                                       
Made his listeners turn cold:                               
Beyond Pluto -- an absence of bars!                         
                                                            
 7123 BOOZE - BARS                   Neal Wilgus         P8211



"Twas a cold winter's night, worst so far,                  
As O'Leary was closing the bar;                             
And he turned, and he said                                  
To the lady in red:                                         
"You get out; you can't stay where you are!"                
                                                            
 7124 BOOZE - BARS                                            



In her bucket of beer, tears were shed,                     
As she dreaded  the cold night ahead;                       
Then a gentlemen dapper                                     
Stepped out of the crapper,                                 
And these are the words that he said:                       
                                                            
 7125 BOOZE - BARS                                            



"Her mom never told her, oh no!                             
The things that a young girl should know,                   
About all of the tricks                                     
Of collegiate 'wicks'                                       
And how those guys come and they go;                        
                                                            
 7126 BOOZE - BARS                                            



Once a beauty, she's now fallen far,                        
And her sins have, alas, left a scar;                       
So, boys, think of your mothers,                            
And sisters and others;                                     
Just let her sleep under the bar!"                          
                                                            
 7127 BOOZE - BARS                                            



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
You can find a few very nice bars.                          
Though they have lots of beer,                              
There is no atmosphere,                                     
And the life is found in Mason jars.                        
                                                            
 7128 BOOZE - BARS                   Al Willis           P9611



Both your poems and pints by your favour,                   
Are alike wholly wanting in flavour,                        
Because it's your pleasure                                  
You give us short measure,                                  
And your ale has a ditch-water savour.                      
                                                            
 7129 BOOZE - BARS                   J. C. Mangan 1870   P9705



Since gents in the back are in sobs,                        
You'll now be performing new jobs;                          
Instead of bartending,                                      
M'dear I am sending                                         
You back there to polish some knobs!                        
                                                            
 7130 BOOZE - BARS                                            



At a serious bar in Bel Air,                                
A lady walked in and stood bare.                            
She kept leering and winking,                               
But drinking is drinking,                                   
And not one man noticed her there.                          
                                                            
 7131 BOOZE - BARS                   John Ciardi              



We'll drink all the Guiness taps dry;                       
Mine host will just stand there and cry.                    
Well, that's what we say                                    
On each St Paddy's Day.                                     
And we give it a bloody good try.                           
                                                            
 7132 BOOZE - BARS                   Archie                   



Again, holidays with cheap tricks!                          
"Get too drunk to make it with chicks!"                     
I may be a saint,                                           
Ain't saying I ain't,                                       
But danged if I'm gonna Pat Rick's!                         
                                                            
 7133 BOOZE - BARS                   Cyber Wizard             



To call a fair colleen, a "chick"                           
Is cheap and it's nasty and sick.                           
A good time in Blarney                                      
In back of Killarney                                        
Is likely to be just the trick.                             
                                                            
 7134 BOOZE - BARS                   Archie                   



More accomplished with brains than with brawn               
A small business career he did spawn.                       
His Far East motif bar                                      
Which gained fame near and far                              
He had given the name, Thai-Wan-On.                         
                                                            
 7135 BOOZE - BARS                   Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



At all of the taverns in Biggers,                           
They measure the drinks in three jiggers.                   
One is for blokes,                                          
Another for soaks,                                          
And the third for the swillers and swiggers.                
                                                            
 7136 BOOZE - BARS                   Limericks Unlimited P8401



Perhaps 'twas that third shot of gin                        
Or that noisy damn bar I was in --                          
TV news said a ban                                          
Had been placed on McMahon                                  
And Carson ruled a carcinogin!                              
                                                            
 7137 BOOZE - BARS                   Neal Wilgus         P8403



When the big barman rolled up his cuff,                     
This signaled to the neighbourhood tough,                   
His behaviour to cease,                                     
To live in one piece.                                       
He had seconds before things got rough!                     
                                                            
 7138 BOOZE - BARS                   Arthur Pattaffy          



A young lady works hours in a bar,                          
In order to buy a new car.                                  
A man with intentions                                       
Made evil suggestions.                                      
Where she hit him has left a long scar.                     
                                                            
 7139 BOOZE - BARS                   Arthur Pattaffy          



In a bar, with his beer mug, Van Dyne                       
Beat two poets who'd called him a swine.                    
And when both men expired,                                  
He became much admired                                      
For killing two bards with one stein.                       
                                                            
 7140 BOOZE - BARS                   Norm Storer              



The fourth planet is red, that is true,                     
But up there, laws are prudishly blue.                      
For six days, up on Mars,                                   
They close down all the bars...                             
On the seventh, those sober are few.                        
                                                            
 7141 BOOZE - BARS                   William N. Nesbit   P9611



"O'Riley is dead," said his brother.                        
"He's out plowing dirt," said his mother.                   
"Nay, down at the pub,"                                     
Said the boys in his club,                                  
"Drinking spirits or something-or-other."                   
                                                            
 7142 BOOZE - BARS                   Eric McCrusty            



"Days of olde" isn't found much in here,                    
But in bars where reciting of mere                          
Bad doggerel verse                                          
Doesn't seem worse,                                         
Than lims, when you've had enough beer.                     
                                                            
 7143 BOOZE - BARS                                            



The Wrong brothers went out one night                       
And drank until they were both tight.                       
They fucked, on this bender,                                
Miss Wright, the bartender;                                 
And that's how two Wrongs made a Wright.                    
                                                            
 7144 BOOZE - BARS                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0280



I know to much of my beer                                   
Will weaken and damage my spear;                            
Some nights I've had nun                                    
And just gone for a run,                                    
But each time I return alone here.                          
                                                            
 7145 BOOZE - BEER                                            



Those big cans of good Aussie beer,                         
Will make you fat, rich. dumb and queer;                    
That rich 'a-roo piddle                                     
Will balloon out your middle;                               
With wee Will, an aimless blind pee'er!"                    
                                                            
 7146 BOOZE - BEER                                            



I was having sex on a chair,                                
When suddenly he wasn't there.                              
My body pulsating;                                          
I was heavily gyrating;                                     
And the bastard had gone for a beer!                        
                                                            
 7147 BOOZE - BEER                                            



Facts are facts, and it's perfectly clear,                  
Guys are guys, and unless a bit queer,                      
It's the sad sorry truth                                    
Most are lacking in couth--                                 
All they think of is broads, boobs, and beer.               
                                                            
 7148 BOOZE - BEER                   Ann Gasser          P9506



An old German wine buff called Hans,                        
To buy drink would make such great plans.                   
He'd go to Paris                                            
For a glass of Chablis,                                     
But he'd still buy his beer in Cannes.                      
                                                            
 7149 BOOZE - BEER                   Jim Weaver Collection    



If you like the way lagers have gotten,                     
Thank the Sedlmayer boys of old Spaten.                     
They said, "It sure helps                                   
To have caves in the Alps,                                  
To keep the beer cool and not rotten."                      
                                                            
 7150 BOOZE - BEER                   Hammer                   



The color of urine, it's true,                              
Is that of my favorite brew;                                
So when I'm blotto                                          
I slur my old motto:                                        
"Check smell and check taste, not just hue!"                
                                                            
 7151 BOOZE - BEER                   Mark Levy           P9506



There once was a man with a beer                            
Who said "it is just as I fear                              
Two owls and a hen                                          
Four larks and a wren                                       
Have drunk it.  And that's bloody queer.                    
                                                            
 7152 BOOZE - BEER                   Wobbly                   



There was a young man from Fort Hall,                       
Who thought he was Sampson or Saul.                         
These thoughts so obscure,                                  
Were due to the brewer,                                     
And not to his ego at all.                                  
                                                            
 7153 BOOZE - BEER                   A G Prys-Jones           



There was a young girl from LaPeer,                         
Whose house was a place of great cheer.                     
As they all did remember                                    
The best time was September,                                
For that was when they drank the beer.                      
                                                            
 7154 BOOZE - BEER                   Albin Chaplin            



A story I heard, if you must know,                          
The tale of a drunkard they called Joe.                     
He drowned in a vat                                         
Of cold beer. Fancy that!                                   
Alas, it was such a sweet sorrow!                           
                                                            
 7155 BOOZE - BEER                   John Dohner         P8809



On barstools we sit leg to leg,                             
Determined to drink the whole keg.                          
My buddies and I                                            
All see eye to eye,                                         
With each beer, we eat a boiled egg.                        
                                                            
 7156 BOOZE - BEER                   Archie                   



In a pub south of London, a tart                            
Told a Yank at the bar, "'ave a 'art.                       
Buy me champagne, dovey,                                    
And I get warm and lovey.                                   
If you buy me beer, I just fart."                           
                                                            
 7157 BOOZE - BEER                   Bob Giandomenico    P8901



There are transplants from parts of the state,              
Who've moved here, and think that it's great.               
To avoid the rat race,                                      
And adopt the slow pace,                                    
So a burger and beer's a fine date.                         
                                                            
 7158 BOOZE - BEER                                            



It's too long since someone gave head                       
And too long now, alone in my bed.                          
Though it's no piece of ass,                                
The foam in my glass                                        
Is the head that I'll have instead...                       
                                                            
 7159 BOOZE - BEER                                            



I am quite the opposite with beer.                          
If any nice hunk dares come near,                           
My libido arouses,                                          
My hands down his trousers.                                 
They say "Would you like another one, dear?"                
                                                            
 7160 BOOZE - BEER                                            



It's Friday night -- time to have fun;                      
The work-week is over and done.                             
Time to go on the prowl;                                    
Let your hair down, and howl --                             
I'm having a beer -- who wants one?                         
                                                            
 7161 BOOZE - BEER                                            



In my fridge I have nothing to fear,                        
Even if it remains there a year.                            
Who cares if it's old?                                      
There's never a mould                                       
'Cause it's filled with nothing but beer!                   
                                                            
 7162 BOOZE - BEER                                            



If beer 's kept too long it get skunky                      
And takes on a taste rather funky.                          
To prevent such waste,                                      
I'll get there with haste,                                  
I might even risk getting drunky.                           
                                                            
 7163 BOOZE - BEER                                            



I'm feeling low, may shed a tear;                           
The bottle's near empty I fear.                             
I down the last swallow                                     
The bottle's now hollow...                                  
What I need is a happy new beer.                            
                                                            
 7164 BOOZE - BEER                                            



(Of course a beer can be happy                              
Or sad, glad, giddy, or crappy.                             
When it's still at the top                                  
Right after you pop                                         
The cap, the beer feels quite snappy)                       
                                                            
 7165 BOOZE - BEER                                            



My fridge is so poorly supplied                             
There's not a new beer left inside.                         
In my cupboard, behold                                      
'Tis a bottle of gold                                       
Whiskey, to warm me inside!                                 
                                                            
 7166 BOOZE - BEER                                            



(I wonder if those warnings are true:                       
"Whiskey first, then follow with brew.                      
Down beer before liquor,                                    
You'll never get sicker"                                    
Oh no, now what can I do...)                                
                                                            
 7167 BOOZE - BEER                                            



Since the warnings are often repeated,                      
From the whiskey I have retreated.                          
But my wish for you all                                     
Is that you have a ball,                                    
And with a Happy New Beer you are greated!                  
                                                            
 7168 BOOZE - BEER                                            



A young lady I knew, a Miss Clegg                           
Dived in, head first, into a keg.                           
Walking past, in alarm,                                     
I said "Miss, give me your arm."                            
She splutered, "That's not an arm,it's a leg."              
                                                            
 7169 BOOZE - BEER                   Arthur Pattaffy          



They've discovered a hormone in beer;                       
It's estrogen from what I hear.                             
After drinking a few,                                       
Men speak utter bull too,                                   
And can't drive very well or think clear!                   
                                                            
 7170 BOOZE - BEER                   Friar              TP9802



Drinking is never a sin                                     
As long as the fluid flows in.                              
A beer and a shot                                           
Make the body real hot,                                     
And a turbulent feeling within!                             
                                                            
 7171 BOOZE - BEER                                            



A barmaid with gigantic teats                               
Had nipples like football shoe cleats.                      
She bent over my jug                                        
And plugged up my mug!                                      
But Christ! How the beer tasted sweet!                      
                                                            
 7172 BOOZE - BEER                   California Marty         



It's ruined my spelling," said he,                          
"This full case of beer that you see,                       
Though with all I agree                                     
It begins with a b,                                         
For me it concludes with a pee."                            
                                                            
 7173 BOOZE - BEER                   Lance Payne         P8403



Beer is my only sustainer;                                  
We exist on a level coplanar.                               
Whenever I drink,                                           
I don't have to think.                                      
Our motto is "Life's a no-brainer!"                         
                                                            
 7174 BOOZE - BEER                   Stiffy Joe               



There once was a waiter named Rick,                         
Who opened a beer for a chick.                              
While pouring, she said                                     
"I like lots of head,"                                      
So he promptly whipped out his big dick.                    
                                                            
 7175 BOOZE - BEER                   Jim Weaver Collection    



While knee-crawling drunk, Uncle Lear                       
Found the pisspot instead of the beer.                      
"The appearance and smell                                   
Were so close, who could tell,"                             
He declared, "But the taste's nothing near!"                
                                                            
 7176 BOOZE - BEER                   Vassar W. Smith     P9506



There once was a man with a beer,                           
Who said "It is just as I fear.                             
I have wobbled and wubbled                                  
And now I have doubled                                      
The size of the froth that is here."                        
                                                            
 7177 BOOZE - BEER                   Michelle                 



Drunk and horny, he stumbled to bed,                        
To have sex with the girl he had wed.                       
That thought did not linger;                                
She gave him the finger,                                    
Sneering, "Back to your beer for some head!"                
                                                            
 7178 BOOZE - BEER                   Goin2later               



Oh you, with the fine muscley pecs,                         
Do you still drink the feisty XX.                           
When I drink that beer,                                     
I come all over queer,                                      
Then my thoughts just return back to sex.                   
                                                            
 7179 BOOZE - BEER                   Jayne                    



There was an Old Man of Columbia,                           
Who was thirsty, and call out for some beer;                
They brought him a flagon,                                  
'Cause his ass was draggin'.                                
You'll know why when his wife comes in here.                
                                                            
 7180 BOOZE - BEER                   Edwardian Leer 016       



For heavy beer drinkers, AA.                                
For dirty verse writers, LA.                                
In Limerick Anon                                            
You're Christian reborn                                     
And gone is the mental DK.                                  
                                                            
 7181 BOOZE - BEER                   Irving Superior     P9506



There once was a young man from Staines,                    
Who fiddled with hops and with grains.                      
He said, "Be of good cheer,                                 
I've invented beer!"                                        
I've now pissed away all my brains.                         
                                                            
 7182 BOOZE - BEER                   Tiddy Ogg                



Let us all give a loud, rousing cheer                       
For our father's affection for Beer;                        
We are grateful because                                     
If not for its buzz,                                        
A lot of us would not be here.                              
                                                            
 7183 BOOZE - BEER                   Ann Gasser          P9506



On the beach, where the beer wagon sits,                    
It is written, 'The Council permits                         
Taking beer to the strand                                   
While you ladies get tanned,                                
But take care there's no sand in your Schlitz.'             
                                                            
 7184 BOOZE - BEER                                            



Beer will reduce inhibitions,                               
And you'll try some exotic positions.                       
But if you're alone,                                        
And you get you a bone,                                     
Beware of nocturnal emissions.                              
                                                            
 7185 BOOZE - BEER                                            



A beer-drinking man of Lapeer                               
To water would never come near.                             
He claimed men at great cost                                
In the water were lost,                                     
But no man ever foundered in beer.                          
                                                            
 7186 BOOZE - BEER                   Albin Chaplin 3024  P9408



A tourist, athirst in Izmir,                                
Attempted to purchase a beer.                               
The waiter said, "Sorry,                                    
Now hear the sad story:                                     
No drinking or alcohol here!"                               
                                                            
 7187 BOOZE - BEER                   R. J. Winkler       P8407



A teddy with sticky-out ears                                
At the picnic had too many beers.                           
He got drunk as a wretch,                                   
And his seams got so stretched,                             
He was ostracized by his peers.                             
                                                            
 7188 BOOZE - BEER                   Tim Tudd                 



There once was a girl with a beer                           
Who said "My God, why am I here?"                           
So she poured some wine,                                    
Which went down quite fine;                                 
Albeit a little austere.                                    
                                                            
 7189 BOOZE - BEER                                            



The Pittsburgh Pirates the last few years,                  
Have challenged the Tampa Buccaneers,                       
(Not footballs or base...)                                  
A down-the-hatch race                                       
To see who'll Yo-ho-hold the most beers.                    
                                                            
 7190 BOOZE - BEER                   Irving Superior     P8804



Through the ages, beer's been a true source                 
Of pleasure for many. Of course                             
I'm unlike those others,                                    
If I had my druthers,                                       
I'd pour it back into the horse.                            
                                                            
 7191 BOOZE - BEER                   Ann Gasser          P9506



This is praise on the strong side of beer;                  
Its virtues to me are quite clear.                          
In blistering heat,                                         
It provides a retreat.                                      
So why don't you like beer, my dear?                        
                                                            
 7192 BOOZE - BEER                   Nik Synytskyy            



I can hear you say, "You'll get drunk.                      
After beer, you stink like a skunk."                        
But I'll tell you what:                                     
"Don't drink by the pot!                                    
And you won't have to puke on the bunk."                    
                                                            
 7193 BOOZE - BEER                   Nik Synytskyy            



"Beer is harmful to health", you may claim;                 
Not on beer, but yourself, place the blame.                 
If you drink too much,                                      
All the other drinks such                                   
As pure water, will make you feel lame.                     
                                                            
 7194 BOOZE - BEER                   Nik Synytskyy            



"But drunk driving," I hear you exclaim.                    
Once again, you're misplacing the blame.                    
If not beer or pot,                                         
Then the car is at fault.                                   
Come on people, please use your brain.                      
                                                            
 7195 BOOZE - BEER                   Nik Synytskyy            



Simple beer, peoples' lives cannot maim.                    
People do it themselves. Stupid! Shame!                     
So behold, friends and foes,                                
This great moral follows:                                   
Drink beer and screw chicks. They're fair game!             
                                                            
 7196 BOOZE - BEER                   Nik Synytskyy            



I find I'm oft branded as queer;                            
Is that the same meaning as here?                           
That I'm a stranger some say,                               
Or do you think that I'm gay,                               
Because I prefer women to beer.                             
                                                            
 7197 BOOZE - BEER                                            



The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere                            
Was basically a search for beer.                            
The Delaware?                                               
Though George will swear...                                 
...With Jersey dry...and needing cheer...                   
                                                            
 7198 BOOZE - BEER                   Irving Superior     P9506



As we've now gone all pan-Scandinavian,                     
We'll have one about Copenhagen,                            
Where all of those Danes                                    
Get pissed out of their brains,                             
'Cause beer drinking is quite a contagion.                  
                                                            
 7199 BOOZE - BEER                   Tiddy Ogg                



Please do not apologize, my dear,                           
'Cause it's true that everyone here                         
Is quite into the brews;                                    
Muslims, Christians, Jews;                                  
Everybody drinks 120 liters a year.                         
                                                            
 7200 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



We are in the world, the third                              
In the giant beer drinking herd.                            
Only Germans and Czecks                                     
Drink from bigger Kegs                                      
And we like neither shaken nor stirred.                     
                                                            
 7201 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



But in streets of Copenhagen and Elsinore                   
It's not Danes you see drinking hardcore.                   
Most of the drunks                                          
Are dumb Swedish punks,                                     
They can't buy it at home -- that's a bore.                 
                                                            
 7202 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



"The City of Raleigh", it read,                             
"To honor Sir Walter, instead                               
Of regular beer                                             
This one day a year,                                        
The beer must be served with no head."                      
                                                            
 7203 BOOZE - BEER                   Irving Superior     P8403



There once was a boy in the Berkshires,                     
Who would stitch after having some beers.                   
He'd get quite stewed,                                      
So his stitches were skewed,                                
"Oh well, let's have another...Cheers!"                     
                                                            
 7204 BOOZE - BEER                   K Werpetinski            



An old man named Phineas Potter                             
Drank beer when the weather got hotter.                     
But if offered Yank brew,                                   
He'd shout "Sex in a canoe!"                                
Meaning Yank beer was fucking close to water.               
                                                            
 7205 BOOZE - BEER                   Paul South African       



To a dwarf, said his doctor, "It's clear                    
That your ailment is fatal, I fear."                        
"Well," the dwarf said, "I think                            
That I'll buy one last drink                                
For my friends, and for me a short bier."                   
                                                            
 7206 BOOZE - BEER                   Bob Giandomenico    P9409



An English professor named Phipps                           
Drank his beer in effeminate sips.                          
Now his students contend                                    
He's begun a new trend:                                     
Blending sips with erudite quips.                           
                                                            
 7207 BOOZE - BEER                                       P8309



They say that if you drink beer                             
Weak brain cells will disappear.                            
And the longer you drink it,                                
(It's hard though to think it)                              
A wise guy just might appear!                               
                                                            
 7208 BOOZE - BEER                                            



Of course, it's not the truth                               
Just because of some crazy youth.                           
'Cause If beer makes you clever,                            
Then I wonder whatever                                      
Happens when you drink Vermouth?                            
                                                            
 7209 BOOZE - BEER                                            



This theory is so diabolic,                                 
But it makes me laugh and frolic.                           
'Cause the more beer you drink --                           
And I give a large wink --                                  
Then God must be an ALCOHOLIC!                              
                                                            
 7210 BOOZE - BEER                                            



A lascivious gentleman, Martin,                             
After a fuck would swiftly be parting.                      
Did anyone here                                             
See him piss in my beer? --                                 
My membrum virile is smarting.                              
                                                            
 7211 BOOZE - BEER                                       G1936



There was an old fellow of Shere,                           
Who was standing a little too near,                         
When his tiresome daughter                                  
Who wouldn't drink water                                    
Was opening a bottle of beer.                               
                                                            
 7212 BOOZE - BEER                   Less Eminent Victorian   



I have smelt an old pussy sore,                             
And the cunt of a poxy street whore.                        
But the worst smell of all,                                 
Which makes my tum crawl,                                   
Is beer spilt the evening before.                           
                                                            
 7213 BOOZE - BEER                                            



He shows her a massive erection                             
But she does not make the connection.                       
His libido lapses,                                          
His organ collapses,                                        
But maybe he saved an infection.                            
                                                            
 7214 BOOZE - BEER                                            



So he downs some beers, two or three,                       
And says "What's important to me?"                          
He's drunk quite a lot,                                     
So he goes to the pot:                                      
"Well at least the damn thing can wee!"                     
                                                            
 7215 BOOZE - BEER                                            



It is useless for people to seek                            
A pisser like Dribblepuss Beek:                             
He'll sit for a year,                                       
Drinking oceans of beer,                                    
Then knock off and piss for a week.                         
                                                            
 7216 BOOZE - BEER                                       G1450



One day my mouth felt so dry                                
And I thought I was about to die.                           
Then I saw the word "Beer",                                 
And one salty tear                                          
Of happiness escaped from my eye.                           
                                                            
 7217 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



I entered this house of pleasure,                           
And right away I could measure                              
The Beer in the air;                                        
Never causing despair,                                      
I had found a wonderful treasure.                           
                                                            
 7218 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



On the counter it stood -- the glass                        
With a shiny colour like brass.                             
It was beer, indeed,                                        
And I grabbed it in greed;                                  
Such a chance I could not let pass.                         
                                                            
 7219 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



I hurled it in my throat, so sore,                          
And felt the power in every pore.                           
But after the first,                                        
I still had mad thirst,                                     
So I hurried and ordered one more.                          
                                                            
 7220 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



"A Beer? -- a big one or small?"                            
The 'tender said from his stall,                            
"Or medium, which size? --                                  
Choose accurate and wise!"                                  
"Oh sod it!" I said, "I'll have them all!"                  
                                                            
 7221 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



It took seconds before 'twas okay,                          
From A to Z -- all the way,                                 
Feeling fresh and alright,                                  
Shining bright as a light.                                  
Once again Beer had saved the day.                          
                                                            
 7222 BOOZE - BEER                   Martin V Jensen          



There once was a pitcher of beer;                           
It won't be abandoned--don't fear.                          
It shall soon meet the throats                              
Of three crusty old goats,                                  
Who are bursting with thirst and good cheer.                
                                                            
 7223 BOOZE - BEER                   Eric McCrusty            



A Scotsman was sucking some brew                            
And a Frenchman said, "Give me some, too.                   
It gives him a lilt                                         
And a tilt to his kilt                                      
That I think is quite fetching; don't you?"                 
                                                            
 7224 BOOZE - BEER                   Robin K. Willoughby P8403



I once had a fish named Laverne;                            
He would wiggle and squiggle and squirm.                    
Last night when I drank,                                    
I done filled up his tank                                   
With my beer which had turned into urine.                   
                                                            
 7225 BOOZE - BEER                   The Lieutenant           



An engineer perepatetic                                     
Endowed with a keen sense esthetic,                         
Drank beer in most places                                   
Except U.S. bases,                                          
"For their beer," he said, "is pathetic."                   
                                                            
 7226 BOOZE - BEER                   Paula Sanch              



A young lad named Armisted Auger,                           
Favored copious foam on his lager.                          
To the barmaid he said,                                     
"Give me plenty of head,"                                   
So she karated his schwagger.                               
                                                            
 7227 BOOZE - BEER                   Steven A Shaw            



There once was a girl named Tristan,                        
Whose beer that she ordered was pissed in.                  
She said, "I don't think,"                                  
As she spit out her drink,                                  
"On the menu, this one was not list in."                    
                                                            
 7228 BOOZE - BEER                   Scott Hendricks          



At night when the show finally ends,                        
The Wildman of Borneo tends                                 
To steer his Chevelle                                       
To a local motel                                            
And drink beer with a bunch of his friends.                 
                                                            
 7229 BOOZE - BEER                   A. N. Wilkins       P8711



A horny young girl of Madras,                               
Reclined with a monk in the grass.                          
She tickled his cock                                        
With the end of a rock,                                     
Till it foamed like a bottle of Bass.                       
                                                            
 7230 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                              L1299



There was a young man from Madras                           
Who lay on the grass with a lass.                           
He played oh so cool                                        
Till she tickled his tool,                                  
And it foamed like a bottle of Bass.                        
                                                            
 7231 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Anon                     



Another young lady named Hicks,                             
Spent all of her time thinking of pricks,                   
And it was her odd whim                                     
To tickle her quim,                                         
Till it foamed like a bottle of Dicks.                      
                                                            
 7232 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                              L1300



I'm a beer drinker through and through;                     
I like bocks and ales and home brew.                        
My good buddy-weiser                                        
Gives in to the Kaiser,                                     
With a stein full of frauleins or two.                      
                                                            
 7233 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          John Gearhart            



A barbaid with pretty blue eyes                             
Pulled pints much more often than guys.                     
Then a brewer called Bass                                   
Caught sight of the lass                                    
And gave her a lovely surprise.                             
                                                            
 7234 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Ben Nevis Malt, bottled for years,                          
Will bring to your eyes a few tears.                        
The taste is divine;                                        
Here, have some of mine,                                    
Far better than all of your peers.                          
                                                            
 7235 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



Billy Beer was made by a Prez's brother,                    
This beverage flows from no other                           
Than his honor the Prez.                                    
No matter what Clinton sez,                                 
It's more costly than juice from his mother.                
                                                            
 7236 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Jim Weaver Collection    



All hail to Ye Olde English Ale;                            
Ye porter, ye bitter, ye pale.                              
With flavours that linger,                                  
Like old Bishop's Finger,                                   
They ain't for the weak or the frail.                       
                                                            
 7237 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



There was a young girl from Ardglass                        
Who lay on her back in the grass.                           
With finger and thumb                                       
She made herself come                                       
And foamed like a bottle of Bass.                           
                                                            
 7238 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



I liked all your beer lims but one;                         
Seems you beat up AB just for fun.                          
I'll still drink my Bud                                     
Instead of your crud;                                       
Perhaps I'm just my fathers son.                            
                                                            
 7239 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



At the risk of perhaps sounding trite,                      
In the summer on a humid night,                             
I love sitting outside,                                     
Hearing bugs being fried,                                   
While enjoying my Bud and bug light.                        
                                                            
 7240 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Loren Fitzhugh      P0101



A hooker made really great hits                             
With the johns, because of her tits.                        
The reason, I hear,                                         
Is they each gave out beer,                                 
The right Budweiser, the left one Schlitz.                  
                                                            
 7241 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Tom Patton          P9506



I've heard that the so-called "Beer" Bud                    
Is made using dead fish and mud;                            
They find ingredients                                       
In the shitty sediments                                     
Where Missouri's delivered a flood.                         
                                                            
 7242 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



There was an old farmer named Lear,                         
Who possessed a fine cow that gave beer.                    
Budweiser or Schlitz,                                       
Could be tapped from her teats,                             
And pretzels came out of the rear.                          
                                                            
 7243 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                              G1411



Each night, all my drinks I arrange                         
On the stove. (I know it sounds strange.)                   
Tonight I spilled suds                                      
From two of my 'Buds',                                      
And now I have foam on the range.                           
                                                            
 7244 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



In his youth, to get girls to screw,                        
Dick would offer them hop and malt brew.                    
Now he's older and wiser                                    
And abstains from Budweiser;                                
To his dear darling wife he is true.                        
                                                            
 7245 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Thomas G. Keller    P9506



There once was a guy named Mudd,                            
Who really liked to drink Bud.                              
He drank about ten,                                         
With his porcelain friend,                                  
And then said goodnight with a thud.                        
                                                            
 7246 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Jed Crandall             



A beautiful blonde called Eliza                             
Had a boyfriend who liked to surprise her.                  
This stud, name of Bud,                                     
Cave her diamonds -- all dud,                               
So she ditched him -- and that made Budweiser.              
                                                            
 7247 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



And the draft beer's a legend 'round here;                  
Folks who drink it quite often turn queer;                  
Better stick to canned Bud,                                 
Or you'll rot off your pud;                                 
So it might make a strange souvenir!                        
                                                            
 7248 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



Joe is a pain in the rear,                                  
'Cause he guzzled up all the Coors beer.                    
I'm feeling bereft;                                         
Just Bud Light is left.                                     
I'd rather pour than in my ear!                             
                                                            
 7249 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Marlene                  



Coors and Bud? Surely the pits;                             
Maybe a treatment for zits.                                 
And maybe they'll do                                        
For one quick shampoo.                                      
I'd rather drink milk from your tits.                       
                                                            
 7250 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          H WHELCHEL               



My favorite beer is called Coors,                           
And probably it should be yours;                            
It isn't Milwaukee's,                                       
But here in the Rockies,                                    
It's purchased by pimps for their hoors.                    
                                                            
 7251 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Norm Storer         P9703



"I'm here," said the sweet farmer's daughter,               
"To tell you that you really oughter                        
Switch to Miller Lite Brew.                                 
It's like love in a canoe,                                  
It is so fucking close to plain water.                      
                                                            
 7252 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Martin Wellborn     P9506



In searching a rhyming for Coors,                           
I questioned my favorite hoors.                             
Immense though the task,                                    
I'll one by one ask                                         
As long as my backbone endures.                             
                                                            
 7253 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Irving Superior     P9506



Corona's best when you lime it.                             
Chug-a-lug fast, we could time it.                          
To order a beer                                             
When you drink in here,                                     
Make up the order, then rhyme it.                           
                                                            
 7254 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Frank Fazed              



A very young lady from Gloucester                           
Once longed for a bottle of Foster.                         
They offered her Harp.                                      
She said, "Sorry to carp.                                   
That's not Foster, that's just an imposter."                
                                                            
 7255 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



I thought I might try it today,                             
Some Australian Foster's. I say                             
What a strange looking beer;                                
At the top it was clear,                                    
But the bottom was frothy. No way...                        
                                                            
 7256 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Peter                    



...Could I drink that peculiar beer.                        
(Frothy bottom?  Well, if I was queer.)                     
With the bubbles surprising,                                
Falling not rising,                                         
I said to the barman, "Look here...                         
                                                            
 7257 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Peter                    



...This beers upside-down. Do you think                     
You could pour it away down the sink?                       
As a beer it's a failure                                    
From Southern Australia;                                    
Now pour me a real ale to drink.                            
                                                            
 7258 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Peter                    



From Limerick there came sweet Colleen,                     
The queen of old Ireland's sex scene.                       
Just buy her a Guinness,                                    
She'd very soon undress,                                    
And frolic with you on the green.                           
                                                            
 7259 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



Well, if it's a sin to like Guinness,                       
Then that I admit's what my sin is.                         
I like it with fizz                                         
Or just as it is,                                           
And it's much better for me that gin is.                    
                                                            
 7260 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Cyril Ray                



Guinness that dark bitter brew,                             
Quite as smooth and as creamy as you;                       
But too many I fear,                                        
Causes droop of my spear,                                   
And that leaves me unable to screw.                         
                                                            
 7261 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



The secret of course is to drink                            
Fewer glasses of Guinness; I think                          
After drinking just two                                     
Then my billiard cue                                        
Would be ready to screw in the pink.                        
                                                            
 7262 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



A Guinness named Arthur made ale                            
As black as a negro: not pale.                              
MacD's billion sold                                         
Couldn't match Arthur's hold,                               
But burgers don't land men in jail.                         
                                                            
 7263 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



A curious young man from Calcutta                           
Was known as a bit of a nutter.                             
After prawn vindaloo                                        
And a Guinness or two,                                      
He'd lie very still in the gutter.                          
                                                            
 7264 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Michael Palin            



On Patty's Day, there's Sean O'Malley                       
Guzzling Guinness alone in an alley.                        
How much can he drink                                       
I really can't think,                                       
And O'Malley, he never keeps tally.                         
                                                            
 7265 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Ystap                    



A teacher on post in Japan                                  
Was arrested for tilting a can                              
Of American beer                                            
While standing too near                                     
To a Kirin delivery van.                                    
                                                            
 7266 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Tim Hoffman              



"I'm here," said the sweet fanner's daughter,               
"To tell you that you really oughter                        
Switch to Miller Lite Brew.                                 
It's like love in a canoe,                                  
'Cause it's so fucking close to plain water."               
                                                            
 7267 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P0104



Ye Olde English Ale ain't for winings                       
And dinings - it's finished with finings                    
Of gravel and grit,                                         
Which'll scour out the shit                                 
From your bowels and intestinal linings.                    
                                                            
 7268 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS                                   



I'm sorry, you've just raised a fog                         
In the mind of this old Hampster hog,                       
Who likes drinks for real men                               
Like "Old Speckled Hen".                                    
Budweiser!  Is that not a dog?                              
                                                            
 7269 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Martin Rand              



I've heard it referred to as piss;                          
I enjoy it, whatever it is.                                 
I myself do not know                                        
What piss tastes like, and so                               
I will drink it.  Innocence is bliss.                       
                                                            
 7270 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Wobbley                  



You may find your tipple delicious,                         
Quite wholesome and not at all vicious.                     
But if you find your brewer                                 
At work near a sewer,                                       
Then think it a wee bit suspicious.                         
                                                            
 7271 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Indiana Millwart         



As for Old Speckled Hen, well then PHEW!                    
That to me is TOO MUCH of a brew.                           
If mine contained piss,                                     
Then tell me what is                                        
This stuff.  Does it contain poo?                           
                                                            
 7272 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Martin Rand              



Us smart guys who know all about                            
The contents of real ale and stout,                         
Say the deep amber hue                                      
Of the Speckled Hen brew                                    
Comes from chickenshit, never a doubt!                      
                                                            
 7273 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Indiana Millwart         



A chemist who once worked for Pfizer,                       
Came back from the war 'gainst the Kaiser,                  
And brewed up a beer                                        
We do not drink here.                                       
Alas now he's older Budweiser.                              
                                                            
 7274 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Tiddy Ogg                



An Irishman, Paddy O'Fleer,                                 
Fell into a large vat of beer.                              
They rescued him twice                                      
And once more for thrice;                                   
He pissed nothing but Bud for a year.                       
                                                            
 7275 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Tom Patton          P0204



"Pistol Beer" is a potent new brew                          
Whose name implies what it can do.                          
Drink one glass at seven,                                   
Pass gas till eleven,                                       
Then "Pistol" a quarter past two.                           
                                                            
 7276 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Bob Giandomenico    P9506



Bartender, did you hear my knock?                           
I see that you're eyeing the clock.                         
Before you must close,                                      
The beer that I chose...                                    
A tasty, tall, cold Rolling Rock.                           
                                                            
 7277 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Frank Fazed              



Girls on the nude beach on St. Kitts                        
Drink beer while they show off their tits.                  
The men who come there                                      
Are quite rude as they stare,                               
And try to kick sand in their Schlitz.                      
                                                            
 7278 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Thomas G. Keller    P9411



While searching a rhyming for Schlitz,                      
The "Shits" word first entered my witz.                     
And so for salvation                                        
And/or salivation,                                          
I'm switching from witzing to titz.                         
                                                            
 7279 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Irving Superior     P9506



Between Sydney and Melbourne, a jogger                      
Saw a Shiela -- felt minded to snog her.                    
They drank in a bar a                                       
Superb Coonawarra  (South Australian wine growing region)   
And XXXX when they reached Wagga Wagga. (4X Queensland beer)
                                                            
 7280 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



My very good friend, Lady Cayzer,                           
Asked, "Who's the damn fool who pays her                    
Price so handsome --                                        
A monarch's ransom                                          
For a Trochenbeerenauslese?" (rare and expensive Kraut wine)
                                                            
 7281 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There was once a fellow of Totness,                         
Who felt a sensation of hotness.                            
Like a sensible feller,                                     
He went to the cellar                                       
And opened a bottle of Watney's.                            
                                                            
 7282 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Randall Davies      P8403



Worthington--beer brewed at Burton-on-Trent                 
Which doesn't make guys corpulent;                          
The reason is clear,                                        
There's not much in the beer,                               
Save some water to pass in the Gents.                       
(The series was modified and improved by Arthur Deex)       
 7283 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



It's unlucky for Jimmy J. Smith,                            
Who pronounces his S's like thith,                          
And his R's all like L                                      
(God damn it to Hell!)                                      
That Wellington'th beel tathes like pith!                   
                                                            
 7284 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



There's a bridge club known as St. P's,                     
Where every good player agrees                              
That by far the best call,                                  
And the surest of all                                       
Is -- "Waitress, can I play with these?"                    
                                                            
 7285 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



A man nearly six feet in height,                            
Grew another two feet in one night.                         
He felt rotten till lunch,                                  
When he had a strong hunch                                  
That all four of his shoes were too tight.                  
                                                            
 7286 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



A man by name Cyrus Q. Hup,                                 
When offered "soft" drinks would say, "Yup,                 
Just as long as it's diet,                                  
I think I will try it.                                      
Swilling beer tears your insides all up."                   
                                                            
 7287 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



If I had the wings of a duck                                
I should think of myself as in luck                         
If I flew far away                                          
To a land so "outre"                                        
That a buck there was still worth a buck.                   
                                                            
 7288 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



Said a plumber (for fun) to his mate,                       
"Hurry up now or you will be late.                          
When you hear me start plumbing                             
You'll know that I'm coming--                               
Then in no time at all I'm dead-weight."                    
                                                            
 7289 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



There's a terribly keen roller skater,                      
Who skates round and round the equator.                     
He says "It is best                                         
If you skate East to West                                   
And avoid both the croc and the gator.                      
                                                            
 7290 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



An Englishman out in Bordeaux,                              
At a wedding felt awfully low,                              
Till the bride said "Oh, pshaw,                             
Your hand's gone through my bra,                            
My knickers, chemise, and trousseau.                        
                                                            
 7291 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



A golfer of Haverfordwest,                                  
Had lost every ball he possessed.                           
He murmured "Good Heaven!                                   
It's just half-past-seven!                                  
I'll be neuter by the time I get dressed!"                  
                                                            
 7292 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



Said the boatswain one day to the coxswain,                 
"Why on earth do you cox with wool soxswain?"               
"I'm well warmed, Sir," said he,                            
"Besides can't you see?                                     
The rest of the crew's got fur joxswain."                   
                                                            
 7293 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



Believe me yours very sincerely.                            
A Limerick writer not merely--                              
This moral you'll find                                      
To solace the blind--                                       
"Always ask for it manly not queerly."                      
                                                            
 7294 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Arthur Deex         P9110



Washing cars, I am sure it is fitter,                       
For you can't beat a good English bitter.                   
The trouble with Schlitz,                                   
It gives you the shits,                                     
And it's too weak to raise just a titter.                   
                                                            
 7295 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Now give me a Ruddle's Peculiar;                            
It's got body and flavor, a rule here.                      
You can peddle your Bud;                                    
It's piddle, and crud.                                      
As for shandy, when it's hot, it'll cool ya!                
                                                            
 7296 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Our ads in Wisconsin make clear,                            
We know how to enjoy our beer.                              
Not Coors/Miller/Bud                                        
Or their craft-market crud,                                 
Just the local stouts made by stout peers.                  
                                                            
 7297 BOOZE - BEER - BRANDS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Saint James is a gate down in Dublin,                       
Where brewers make stout black and bubblin'.                
The Tommies might pale                                      
The site of this ale,                                       
But drink the stuff down without troublin'.                 
                                                            
 7298 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING                                  



So she wrote about moonlight on hills,                      
You can twist that to moonshine and stills,                 
How that then Brewer's droop                                
Can get you in the soup,                                    
If you're out of them Viagra pills.                         
                                                            
 7299 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING                                  



That old Brewer's droop's a bit iffy;                       
The feeling of general squiffi-                             
ness, comfort and cheer                                     
From a gallon of beer,                                      
Ain't conducive to getting a stiffy.                        
                                                            
 7300 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING                                  



A frustrated brewer named Jacques,                          
Drowned himself in a barrel of Bock.                        
Grieved his friends, "Sad, it's true,                       
Though this flavor is new,                                  
But the next batch, let's take off his socks."              
                                                            
 7301 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING         Steve Wickersham         



Not far from London's Lane Drury                            
There stood a beer and ale brewery.                         
And nearby, a short hop,                                    
Was a fine hooking shop,                                    
But the drinkers all called it a screwery.                  
                                                            
 7302 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING         Thomas G. Keller    P9506



I think I've met your young Sue,                            
Who's nude while she stomps out some brew.                  
She's really quite fine                                     
And always has time                                         
To give head, before she doth screw.                        
                                                            
 7303 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING                                  



What made the Egyptians revere                              
Osiris and claim he was peer                                
To the gods of the land                                     
Was that, unlike that other band,                           
He'd instructed them how to make beer.                      
                                                            
 7304 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING         A. N. Wilkins       P9506



A brewery worker named Lee                                  
Drowned in a vat of brewski.                                
I regretfully say                                           
He'd not drowned right away;                                
He climbed out five time just to pee.                       
                                                            
 7305 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING         Tiddy Ogg                



I don't see why your a regretter;                           
He couldn't have made the stuff wetter;                     
And from what I hear                                        
About American beer,                                        
He only could make it taste better.                         
                                                            
 7306 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING         Tiddy Ogg                



You must have missed most of the tale;                      
The brew was a fine British Ale.                            
When he went through the hatch,                             
He ruined the batch.                                        
In all of the pubs, now they wail!                          
                                                            
 7307 BOOZE - BEER - BREWING         CM                       



Ye Olde English Ale is sublime;                             
We all quiver and fall given time.                          
What you seem to miss                                       
When you call our ale piss,                                 
Is that abstinence isn't a crime.                           
                                                            
 7308 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Hideout                  



Oh my God, my face is all pale;                             
Like zero on a 1 to 10 scale.                               
All sick and obscure                                        
Can I ever find a cure?                                     
Of course - a cold bottle of ale!                           
                                                            
 7309 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY                                    



I wasn't at all a hard decision                             
That with millimeter precision                              
I removed the crown                                         
And poured the Beer down;                                   
A belly beer-collection addition.                           
                                                            
 7310 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY                                    



A discerning person from Swaffham                           
Would seek out real ales, and then quaff 'em;               
The problem that played                                     
On the mind of the trade,                                   
Lay in getting the cost of them off him.                    
                                                            
 7311 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Linda Marsh Coll         



"Old Thumper's" a certain humdinger;                        
An ale to cause droop of my stinger.                        
But not for my Jane                                         
For she goes like a train,                                  
When I give her that old "Bishop's Finger".                 
                                                            
 7312 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Peter Wilkins            



For Americans, beer should be clear;                        
Not something so dark I should fear                         
The things that grow                                        
And just don't show.                                        
Danes cover it up with black beer,                          
                                                            
 7313 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY                                    



Oh pity the innkeeper's plight                              
When his customers, night after night,                      
Order only pale brew                                        
And brown ale eschew --                                     
For his dark is much worse than his lite.                   
                                                            
 7314 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Norm Storer         P9207



Though the infantry's shown through the years               
That as fighters they are without peers,                    
No dogface will hide                                        
His real source of pride:                                   
He can swill down his poundage in beers.                    
                                                            
 7315 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           A. N. Wilkins       P9506



There was an Old Man with an Owl,                           
Who continued to bother and howl;                           
He sat on a rail,                                           
And imbibed bitter ale,                                     
And when drunk became birder most foul.                     
                                                            
 7316 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Edwardian Leer 079       



There was a young girl, Marie Spratt,                       
At work one day, fell in a vat.                             
Before she was dragged out                                  
She had drunk so much stout,                                
That her parts that were thin, became fat.                  
                                                            
 7317 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Arthur Pattaffy          



Now don't get me wrong, we all know                         
There are millions who'll say they will go                  
With dark beer and ale,                                     
A bitter or pale,                                           
I drinks what I drinks, then I crow.                        
                                                            
 7318 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY                                    



A forty of Old English Ale                                  
Will make you quiver and pale.                              
Its taste is obscene,                                       
Hangover extreme.                                           
You'll swear off that piss without fail.                    
                                                            
 7319 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Jim Davis                



A vision of lovliness fair                                  
I'm quite certain I see over there.                         
Is it Ulla or Carole?                                       
Oh no!  It's a barrel                                       
Of Old Thumper Ale, I declare.                              
                                                            
 7320 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Peter Wilkins            



A golden and bitter-sweet brew,                             
With a body to die for and ...oooh;                         
What a flavorsome taste.                                    
Not a drop will I waste,                                    
As I pen this (hic) love song to you.                       
                                                            
 7321 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Peter Wilkins            



There was an old slapper, Ulrika,                           
A well-known publicity seeker.                              
She turned men quite pale,                                  
When she swallowed her ale,                                 
With one fell swig from a pint beaker.                      
                                                            
 7322 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Alexander Baron          



It's true what the say about ale,                           
When it has grown quite stale.                              
It smells like a skunk,                                     
But still gets you drunk;                                   
I guess that's why this was on sale.                        
                                                            
 7323 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY                                    



In England they use pounds for dough,                       
But for many, the pound doesn't flow.                       
So when making a sale                                       
Of a pint of ale,                                           
The barman says, "Two QUID PRO QUO."                        
                                                            
 7324 BOOZE - BEER - HEAVY           Norm Brust               



I knew that I would be ad libbin';                          
My buddies all thought I was kiddin'.                       
Used old malt I could find;                                 
And old hops off the vine.                                  
And you know, I won a blue ribbon!                          
                                                            
 7325 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Dave Bunning             



I tried to make blueberry ale;                              
My attempt I did miserably fail.                            
But it was my beer,                                         
So I did not fear.                                          
I drank it anyway -- what the hail!                         
                                                            
 7326 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW                                 



If you ferment your wort in a toilet,                       
You'd better make sure that you boil it.                    
Make sure nothing floats                                    
Except hops in your groats.                                 
If the head smells like piss then you've spoiled it.        
                                                            
 7327 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        J B Summer               



Joe's beer drinking and wild oats sowing                    
Wrought health problems showing and growing;                
Doc said, "Joe, stop the screwing."                         
Joe said, "Oke, but the brewing's                           
The one thing that still keeps me going."                   
                                                            
 7328 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Evelyn Bogen        P9506



At one time I made a fine brew,                             
That was crafted with hops that I grew.                     
The taste was intense,                                      
With a strong resin sense,                                  
And malt flavor pervading all through.                      
                                                            
 7329 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Bill Mendyka             



Can't wait 'til next hop crop is due,                       
So another new potion I'll stew,                            
That will match or exceed                                   
All the flavors, indeed,                                    
That a hophead expects in his brew.                         
                                                            
 7330 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Bill Mendynka            



A homebrewer always partakes                                
Of whatever the new brewer makes.                           
And he'll offer advice,                                     
When the beer's not that nice,                              
But drinks up, if it's got what it takes.                   
                                                            
 7331 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Bill Mendyka             



There once was a pub in Corfu,                              
With beer that was only home-brewed.                        
Said Sam with a mug,                                        
"To approve of your club,                                   
I'd like ten more mugs for review!"                         
                                                            
 7332 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Jim Weaver Collection    



I used to drink jugs of light beer.                         
But lately it's become much too dear.                       
I tried brew-at-home,                                       
But now must atone,                                         
For a product that tastes rather queer.                     
                                                            
 7333 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW                                 



This product you've started atoning,                        
Does it give you a rush or a stoning?                       
I might take a hit                                          
If chicks like the shit,                                    
Enough to start moaning for boning.                         
                                                            
 7334 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW                                 



A brewer who brewed his own brew,                           
He brewed a new brew that was blue;                         
'Twas a strange looking beer,                               
Whose appearance was queer,                                 
And was only enjoyed by a few.                              
                                                            
 7335 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Cap'n Bean          P0101



A wife to her husband said, "Dear,                          
I'm infected with yeast, I do fear."                        
But he was a genius,                                        
Hung hops from his penis,                                   
And said, "Then let's just make beer!"                      
                                                            
 7336 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW                                 



If it's homebrew that you want the facts on,                
Consult the old pro, Michael Jackson.                       
The price would be steeper,                                 
But he'd make it cheaper,                                   
The six packs we pay the sin tax on.                        
                                                            
 7337 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW                                 



The hero of every home brewer,                              
Is a Frenchman that's known as Pasteur.                     
His knowledge of bugs                                       
Has improved many mugs                                      
Of old ale, with the taste of a sewer.                      
                                                            
 7338 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Hammer                   



While brewing at home one fine Sunday,                      
Watched over by Brewmaster Bundy.                           
He said without haste,                                      
"Hey!  That's water you waste,                              
And they're dying of thirst in Barundi!"                    
                                                            
 7339 BOOZE - BEER - HOMEBREW        Hammer                   



"I'll not kill myself, never fear,                          
By drinking 3.2 percent beer."                              
But his wife, don't you know,                               
Chortled, "I told you so!"                                  
When they brought him home dead on his bier.                
                                                            
 7340 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Laurence Perrine    P9506



In Oz a man can drink for his state;                        
Swill Fosters, call everyone 'mate';                        
While getting rat-assed.                                    
Why are they small-glassed?                                 
What a binge, pint tankards could create.                   
                                                            
 7341 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Tony Burrell             



I'm Bud and I'm glad to be here.                            
There's something I want to make clear;                     
I blame my affliction                                       
On Mother's addiction,                                      
And one fetal glass of draught beer!                        
                                                            
 7342 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Mark Levy           P9506



I've chosen to speak with great gravity                     
Regarding my social depravity;                              
My illness is chronic,                                      
And as a health tonic,                                      
I quaff from the vaginal cavity.                            
                                                            
 7343 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Mark Levy           P9506



Please join me, and when we're all through,                 
Your taste will convince you it's true.                     
Additional yeast                                            
Adds kick to the feast,                                     
A bubbling and full-bodied brew!                            
                                                            
 7344 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Mark Levy           P9506



A night out's an excuse for a beer;                         
Three or four and there's nothing you'll fear.              
So pull out all the stops;                                  
Back away from those hops;                                  
While your mind and your eyes are still clear.              
                                                            
 7345 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Arthur Pattaffy          



A large Aussie with the name of Kelly,                      
Had what was called a "Beer Belly."                         
If you made the man laugh,                                  
'Twas like a seismograph,                                   
His body then shook like some jelly!                        
                                                            
 7346 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Arthur Pattaffy          



In my youth, life and love seemed so good;                  
When next to my Sweet Thing I stood,                        
I was thrilled by her scent,                                
Wherever I went.                                            
Just holding hands made me grow wood.                       
                                                            
 7347 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Allen Wolverton          



But now you're an old married man,                          
And your Sweet Thing's more pudgy than tan.                 
And the thing you think tops,                               
Comes from barley and hops,                                 
And decants full of foam from a can.                        
                                                            
 7348 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Jeanie                   



Been three days with no beer to drink;                      
Quitting beer is one great big stink.                       
I drink lots of tea;                                        
Not the same you'll agree,                                  
And for three days I've not slept a wink!                   
                                                            
 7349 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED                                    



Well thank you my darlings, my dears,                       
For pouring me 20 more beers.                               
I really must quit,                                         
'Cause I look such a twit,                                  
With beer coming out of my ears.                            
                                                            
 7350 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED                                    



The Kitimat plant makes aluminum                            
For beer cans with all kinds of room in 'em,                
For glorious beer,                                          
While the rest of us here                                   
Have devoted our lives to consumin' 'em.                    
                                                            
 7351 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           John E Mayhood      P0800



A luscious young lush from Algiers                          
Drank forty-five over-proof beers.                          
She absorbed them with SPAM,                                
The filled up a pram                                        
With the empties 'mid loud claps and cheers.                
                                                            
 7352 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Mike O'Conner            



A tipple from an abbey monk'll                              
Rival the buzz from Bock Dunkel,                            
Or a bock made of wheat,                                    
Even barley wine neat.                                      
But an Eisbock will make you cry uncle!                     
                                                            
 7353 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Hammer                   



We all remember Mr Marley                                   
Who had a good taste for the barley.                        
He'd run for the beer                                       
At the end of the pier,                                     
Only to end up sort of gnarly.                              
                                                            
 7354 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Peter Ackerman           



Though I've travelled around this whole sphere,             
And I've guzzled a fair share of beer,                      
I drink by the hour                                         
And use it to shower,                                       
And I hope to find some on my bier.                         
                                                            
 7355 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Al Willis           P9506



Did I hear the words "pub" and "beer"?                      
Oh well, goody goody, I'm here.                             
I hope you're no miser;                                     
Mine's a pint of Budweiser;                                 
It's the first drink I've had all year!                     
                                                            
 7356 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED                                    



I really do like to drink beer                              
For it makes the world perfectly clear.                     
What I don't understand                                     
Is how I could land                                         
Flat on my back under here.                                 
                                                            
 7357 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Neal Wilgus         P8403



There once was a fellow named Frank,                        
Whose tool was too wiry and lank.                           
Said he with a leer,                                        
"I'll offer them beer                                       
Tapped from my prick, for a prank."                         
                                                            
 7358 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Anon                     



A religious bartender from Lear,                            
Told the ones who wanted to hear:                           
"God loves us all;                                          
Won't be our downfall.                                      
And the best living proof is our beer!"                     
                                                            
 7359 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Anon                     



There was a young man named Chris, and                      
Drinking was part of his plan.                              
He liked to drink beer,                                     
Till his vision's unclear.                                  
(Makes it harder to go take a piss, man!)                   
                                                            
 7360 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a sign on a beer joint in Nome                      
Famed for a local brew, with no foam.                       
At the end of the day                                       
Where does time waste away?                                 
"Third Base Tavern, Last Stop Before Home."                 
                                                            
 7361 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



It only required one touch                                  
For Beer to make us love it in such                         
A wonderful way,                                            
That everyday                                               
We want it, and we want it much!                            
                                                            
 7362 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Martin V Jensen          



Ah! Laud all the times when the brew                        
Has flowed down me gullet anew.                             
And made spirits high                                       
And blurred me good eye,                                    
And made homely gals pretty, too!                           
                                                            
 7363 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Travis Brasell           



I admit I am of great years,                                
But let me confess to you dears,                            
I have as much fun now                                      
Because I now know how                                      
To enjoy and to quaff a few beers.                          
                                                            
 7364 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Barb                     



Michelle's been out on the ocean                            
Causing a deadly commotion.                                 
Living dangerously                                          
Drinking beer, probably:                                    
Doing what - I haven't the notion.                          
                                                            
 7365 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED                                    



What is to our hearts so dear?                              
What makes the whole world cheer?                           
What is it we praise                                        
In millions of ways --                                      
Could it be a thing other than Beer?!                       
                                                            
 7366 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Martin V Jensen          



Been three days with no beer to drink;                      
Quitting beer is one great big stink.                       
I drink lots of tea,                                        
(Not the same you'll agree),                                
And for three days I've not slept a wink!                   
                                                            
 7367 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED                                    



Ah! So you are going abstemious                             
Of beer, which will make your abs slimious;                 
But sober you'll be,                                        
A sad sight to see,                                         
For now you'll just give us dabs quimious.                  
                                                            
 7368 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED                                    



His wife almost bankrupted Meyerbeer                        
With daily requests that he buy her beer;                   
And when ready to die                                       
She so feared to be dry,                                    
She insisted a keg be placed nigh her here.                 
                                                            
 7369 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



If there's one thing that I always knew,                    
Is that nothing compares with a brew.                       
I store it in vats,                                         
And I realize that's                                        
A bit greedy, but what can I do?                            
                                                            
 7370 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Al Willis           P9506



A stout is the best of the breed,                           
Of the dark beers that sustain one in need.                 
It imparts a warm feeling,                                  
But sets the mind reeling,                                  
If too many are quaffed without heed.                       
                                                            
 7371 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Bill Mendyka             



I've thought here and sat 'til I've thunk,                  
About who could have been the damn skunk,                   
Who gulped all my beer,                                     
And left me right here,                                     
Until I got totally drunk.                                  
                                                            
 7372 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Travis Brasell           



'Twas probably that gal, Gertrude Pippin;                   
I'm sure I saw her there, a-sippin'                         
From your frothy glass,                                     
While she shook her ass;                                    
You passed out and then missed her strippin'.               
                                                            
 7373 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Carol                    



Or then again, it could have been me;                       
I far prefer beer to hot tea.                               
If there's lager around,                                    
I am sure to be found                                       
Guzzling it down secretly.                                  
                                                            
 7374 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Travis Brasell           



Oh Beer, thou drink of the gods,                            
Have pity on us poor sods.                                  
Like bees to a flower,                                      
Give us the power;                                          
In quantities best known as "LOTS".                         
                                                            
 7375 BOOZE - BEER - LOVED           Martin V Jensen          



In the great days of life under sail,                       
A captain's life sometimes would fail.                      
With the rest of the crew,                                  
Their companions just threw                                 
Then, wrapped in a sack, o'er the rail.                     
                                                            
 7376 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Tiddy Ogg                



But the captain was placed in a box,                        
Sealed tightly and placed upon blocks,                      
Which was filled up with brandy                             
Or whatever was handy,                                      
To preserve it till back at the docks.                      
                                                            
 7377 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Tiddy Ogg                



By the coffin was stationed a guard.                        
But when the ship came to its yard,                         
More often than not,                                        
The body was rot                                            
ted and to find the cause was not hard...                   
                                                            
 7378 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Tiddy Ogg                



...To discover. The guard had an awl,                       
Made in the box a small hole,                               
And he'd secretely sup                                      
The spirits right up,                                       
Until there was none left at all.                           
                                                            
 7379 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Tiddy Ogg                



Well now I am just struck with awe;                         
That story just sticks in my craw.                          
But I was just wondering                                    
If the guards nightly plundering,                           
Used the captains dick for a straw?                         
                                                            
 7380 BOOZE - BRANDY                 MrMalo                   



The mate went to drink a night-cap.                         
He fished out the crank with a grap.                        
He had to suck hard;                                        
The piss-pipe was scarred.                                  
The captain had died of the clap.                           
                                                            
 7381 BOOZE - BRANDY                 MrMalo                   



Young men who woo girls with candy                          
Don't know that there's something more handy;               
When the lights are down low,                               
And there's nowhere to go,                                  
Beguile them with glasses of brandy.                        
                                                            
 7382 BOOZE - BRANDY                 G. Askew                 



A playboy renowned as a sinner,                             
Once took out a girl friend for dinner;                     
When the eating was done,                                   
He said, "Let's have fun,"                                  
With his thoughts on the brandy within her!                 
                                                            
 7383 BOOZE - BRANDY                 K. Young                 



A bit of a dandy's our Andy;                                
His hair at the tips is quite sandy.                        
And he does his quince                                      
If you ruffle his chintz;                                   
He'll only calm down with some brandy.                      
                                                            
 7384 BOOZE - BRANDY                                          



I met Candy, Sandy and Mandy,                               
Triplets with a liking for brandy.                          
I know who was who,                                         
It was not hard to do,                                      
One was tall, one was small, one was bandy.                 
                                                            
 7385 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an Old Person of Troy,                            
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,                        
Which he took with a spoon,                                 
By the light of the moon,                                   
While fondling a tender young boy.                          
                                                            
 7386 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Edwardian Leer 007       



Here's brandy! Come fill up your tumbler,                   
Or ale if your liking be humbler,                           
And while you've a shilling                                 
Keep filling and swilling,                                  
A fig for the growls of the grumbler.                       
                                                            
 7387 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Linda Marsh Coll         



"Although when he was young," remarked Andy,                
"He was, I suppose, quite a dandy.                          
Now he's taken to drink                                     
And has started, I think,                                   
Raising St. Bernards just for the brandy."                  
                                                            
 7388 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Leonore             P8307



The medicinal power of brandy                               
Is guaranteed; so keep some handy.                          
It's wonderous effct                                        
Kept Churchill erect,                                       
But at the same time, did sod all for Ghandi.               
                                                            
 7389 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Bill Wall                



With Mabel, I'll cruise down the Rhine.                     
Now, she knows I'm a Master of Wine.                        
I shall glance at the label,                                
Take a sip and cry, "Mabel,                                 
If you ask me, this brandy is Hine."  (cognac)              
                                                            
 7390 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Although liquor is quicker than candy,                      
The expense of a bottle of brandy                           
Is undoubtedly more                                         
Than is needed to score --                                  
So if candy is handy, it's dandy!                           
                                                            
 7391 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Philo Logue         P8403



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Really thought that Napoleon was dandy.                     
But Josephine, the Empress,                                 
Yelled, "Police, arrest the temptress!                      
She's no license to make Napoleon B. randy!"                
                                                            
 7392 BOOZE - BRANDY                 H Myers             T9712



Andrew Jackson, whose nickname was Andy,                    
Would need a lift, his choice was brandy.                   
When asked by the press,                                    
Said his wife blandly, "Yes,                                
Brandy Andy is randy and dandy."                            
                                                            
 7393 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Irving Superior     P9710



A careless old hooker from Frisco,                          
Got turpentine mixed in her pisco,                          
And scalded with steam                                      
A muff-divers dream,                                        
Because he refused to let puss go.                          
(pisco - South American brandy)                             
 7394 BOOZE - BRANDY                                     L1165



This picture's of me and the chaps;                         
Those are frauleins we've got on our laps.                  
I know what you're thinking --                              
Quite right; we'd been drinking.                            
We call this our holiday Schnapps.  (apple brandy)          
                                                            
 7395 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There once was a woman named Sandy,                         
Who tempted her men with peach brandy.                      
If their screwing was nice,                                 
She'd reward them with spice;                               
If they ate her she'd pay them with candy.                  
                                                            
 7396 BOOZE - BRANDY                 Bob Birch           P0107



Too much 'speed' in the world resulteth                     
In our planet being in such a meth.                         
As in biblical scenes,                                      
Those amphetamines,                                         
Have seen people being stoned to death.                     
                                                            
 7397 BOOZE - DOPE                   Guy Ben-Moshe            



A sleepy programmer named Jean                              
Chose to end his long fast from caffiene.                   
He sipped sugared coffee                                    
And screamed and took off.  He                              
Has not since been heard from or seen.                      
                                                            
 7398 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



I'm back in the land of the free;                           
Those feds are now ridden of me.                            
And I'm selling my stash                                    
Of Guinea Gold hash;                                        
It's criminal giving it free.                               
                                                            
 7399 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



I will not forget my main function                          
Of handing out some extreme unction.                        
You'll find me down town,                                   
Just hangin' aroun',                                        
At Main Street and River Road junction.                     
                                                            
 7400 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



So whether you want to relax                                
By smoking some more of my flax,                            
Or by resting your soul,                                    
Or just taking a stroll -                                   
And most of the cops turn their backs.                      
                                                            
 7401 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



And soon I'll be going away,                                
I'll be off to Spain Saturday,                              
But not for my job,                                         
I'll be near that mob,                                      
In Pamplona on a holiday.                                   
                                                            
 7402 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



The running from bulls might be fun                         
In Pamplona, but I'm not one,                               
Of those loco fools;                                        
I'll be testing bar stools,                                 
Or tanning myself in the sun.                               
                                                            
 7403 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



If you've drugs in abundance to sell,                       
And your transactions all start to gel,                     
And your buyers pay cash,                                   
And you unload your stash,                                  
That's what happens when drug deals go well.                
                                                            
 7404 BOOZE - DOPE                   Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



In Holland they'll gladly submit                            
To the end of the world with a hit                          
Of their favorite dope,                                     
And get high on the hope                                    
That in Hell there's unlimited shit.                        
                                                            
 7405 BOOZE - DOPE                   Peter Wilkins            



"Hey Sarge," asked the tenderfoot nark,                     
"Just why is this called 'Needle Park'?"                    
"See the needles on these                                   
Lovely evergreen trees?                                     
There's three junkies per needle, come dark!"               
                                                            
 7406 BOOZE - DOPE                   Robin K. Willoughby P8501



I know that you'll think me quite dotty,                    
But please, no caffeine in the latte!                       
One simple expresso,                                        
I take off my dress, Oh!        (I put on a dress-o)        
And really start acting quite naughty.                      
                                                            
 7407 BOOZE - DOPE                   C. Fitz-Nobbins          



Now that memories of Yuletide have paled,                   
Our Rock group into the New Year sailed.                    
Our Lil' Drummer Boy, Kayle,                                
We have bailed out of jail,                                 
Where they stashed him when he, drug tests, failed.         
                                                            
 7408 BOOZE - DOPE                   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9901



If offended by this, beg your pardon,                       
But I've heard that the young Sammy Warden                  
Begs his schoolmates of late                                
"Hey, please help me get straight.                          
I've just got to get to Kindergarten."                      
                                                            
 7409 BOOZE - DOPE                   Loren Fitzhugh      P0001



I'd go on a luxury cruise,                                  
But spent all my money on booze.                            
So I'm stuck in this pit,                                   
Surrounded by shit,                                         
And sniff a selection of glues.                             
                                                            
 7410 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



Judge Hemp & Reverend Lockjaw                               
Took the overnight train to Saginaw;                        
Cursed with wild dreams,                                    
Hysterical screams,                                         
They'd puffed on great stuff we outlaw!                     
                                                            
 7411 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



All Muslims are guilty as hell,                             
But not for the towers that fell,                           
But they will not acknowledge                               
My rights to the foliage,                                   
That God lets me grow and then sell.                        
                                                            
 7412 BOOZE - DOPE                   Archie                   



But I think you'll find around here,                        
It's Christians who think it is clear                       
That the growing of dope                                    
Means abandon all hope                                      
Of meeting your maker sans fear.                            
                                                            
 7413 BOOZE - DOPE                   John Miller              



Pope Archie the First, the dope pope,                       
Is sliding full speed down the slope                        
To the Slough of Depraved                                   
And Substance Enslaved,                                     
Like that slime ball from Mena and Hope.                    
                                                            
 7414 BOOZE - DOPE                   John Miller              



My plan for the sellers of dope                             
Is not to cry, "How can we cope?"                           
It's to round up the bums,                                  
And beat on their gums,                                     
Then swing them, at the end of a rope.                      
                                                            
 7415 BOOZE - DOPE                   Gifford Wherry           



I've recently been offered some hash;                       
Just an eighth for fifteen quid cash.                       
Though I've not taken before,                               
I'm told good vibes in store;                               
I think I might give it a bash.                             
                                                            
 7416 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



They smuggle mafu through Havana;  (mafu?)                  
It pays for Fidel's plush cabana.                           
With a toke of this dope,                                   
You'll envision the Pope                                    
With Sister Bertrille 'stride his 'nana...                  
                                                            
 7417 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



There was a bad apple from Newton                           
Who went in for heroin shootin'.                            
Well, she got off her rocks,                                
Now she wears a pine box,                                   
That she'll look everlastingly cute in.                     
                                                            
 7418 BOOZE - DOPE                   Betty Noire        TP9806



A mobile phone user called Sue,                             
Stuck her phone to her head using glue.                     
This made her bill                                          
As high as a hill,                                          
And the glue got her high, too.                             
                                                            
 7419 BOOZE - DOPE                   Anon                     



A nasty young fellow named Jack                             
Has problems in fending off flack;                          
His friends are outraged                                    
And fit to be caged:                                        
He hooked his own mother on smack.                          
                                                            
 7420 BOOZE - DOPE                   Armand E Singer       888



In the 60's our consciousness grew                          
From smoking pot, LSD too.                                  
Our minds would expand                                      
But not our headband,                                       
Till finally all our minds blew.                            
                                                            
 7421 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



Intravenous drug user O Mize,                               
After myriad, prolonged, botched tries,                     
Probed his rubbery veins.                                   
His remains now contain                                     
Hematomas of prodigious size.                               
                                                            
 7422 BOOZE - DOPE                   Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



A drug-using douchebag named Kevin,                         
Got high, and was off in blue Heaven.                       
Then the dizzy-assed cuss                                   
Stepped in front of a bus;                                  
The rest of the story at eleven.                            
                                                            
 7423 BOOZE - DOPE                   Mustafa X                



There once was a young man called Dave,                     
Who took some pills at a rave.                              
His eyes rolled back,                                       
He had an attack,                                           
And ended up in his grave.                                  
                                                            
 7424 BOOZE - DOPE                   Bezz                     



The party was hot; I was dripping                           
With sweat; everyone started stripping;                     
The blue girl next to me                                    
Said, "You on LSD?"                                         
The wine had been spiked; I was tripping.                   
                                                            
 7425 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



She said she was Welsh, name of Gwyndle,                    
Her lurcher was green, red and brindle.                     
We chased a March hare;                                     
Then just for a dare,                                       
I flew from a third-story window.                           
                                                            
 7426 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



Life flew by before my own eyes,                            
A spectrum of light filled the skies                        
Disappearing to dark.                                       
I woke in the park,                                         
Naked, covered in dog-shit and flies.                       
                                                            
 7427 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



There was a teenager named Donna,                           
Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."                        
Two days out of three,                                      
She would shoot LSD,                                        
And on weekends she smoked marijuana.                       
                                                            
 7428 BOOZE - DOPE                   Albin Chaplin 3024  G2318



The rain from branches was dripping;                        
The student, on acid, was tripping;                         
Surreal surroundings                                        
Where nothing has grounding;                                
Reality quietly slipping.                                   
                                                            
 7429 BOOZE - DOPE                   Cap'n Bean          P0302



In Flander's fields the poppies grow.                       
Colombia and Mexico.                                        
When drug wars begin,                                       
You'll see next of kin,                                     
Between the crosses, row on row.                            
                                                            
 7430 BOOZE - DOPE                   Irving Superior     P9803



The Good Old Days -- hallucination                          
Today is -- Hallelu-cination.                               
So many of us high,                                         
The editors now cry,                                        
"Is the US a lucid nation?"                                 
                                                            
 7431 BOOZE - DOPE                   Irving Superior     P8803



I come to you in my time of need;                           
This morning, my girlfriend has fleed                       
For three years to study                                    
Far away, and I'm bloody                                    
All out of "medicinal" weed.                                
                                                            
 7432 BOOZE - DOPE                   Bonnie Lewis             



I really don't want to go home                              
To an empty house all alone.                                
I guess I could stay                                        
At work without pay,                                        
And put the house up for a loan.                            
                                                            
 7433 BOOZE - DOPE                   Bonnie Lewis             



So any girls out there, take heed;                          
Come to me and do a good deed.                              
If you're good in bed                                       
And giving good head,                                       
I'll sell your body to buy weed.                            
                                                            
 7434 BOOZE - DOPE                   Bonnie Lewis             



Like to put it in her, but can't?                           
Or seek some fine filly?  You shan't.                       
Three years with no poon                                    
Can make one's head swoon.                                  
Speaking of which, I'll help with the plant.                
                                                            
 7435 BOOZE - DOPE                   Tiddy Ogg                



Lightbulb?  I'm surprised it is on.                         
Dim bulb from the sound of your song.                       
You smoke so much weed                                      
For three years, you'll need                                
Viagra to get up your dong.                                 
                                                            
 7436 BOOZE - DOPE                   Bonnie Lewis             



That Viagra thing doesn't work.                             
Embarrassed?  I felt such a jerk,                           
For taking two pills                                        
Did not cure my ills,                                       
But gave me a throbbing knee-jerk.                          
                                                            
 7437 BOOZE - DOPE                   SFA                      



I won't get any for a while,                                
Abstaining will make it worthwhile,                         
'Cause when she is back,                                    
I'm doing her crack,                                        
Though hope I won't be infertile!                           
                                                            
 7438 BOOZE - DOPE                   Lightbulb                



It has its advantages, granted!                             
At least my seeds wouldn't be planted                       
In the garden: Eden                                         
I'll continue weedin'                                       
Until to the right, it has slanted.                         
                                                            
 7439 BOOZE - DOPE                   Lightbulb                



You see, if it hangs to the right,                          
I'll find myself in quite a plight.                         
Kept in my right pocket --                                  
My gun, if I cock it,                                       
Goodbye to my dongle of light.                              
                                                            
 7440 BOOZE - DOPE                   Lightbulb                



The Hon. Ginsburg could plead                               
That he'd had the flu, and, "Indeed,                        
My docket's behind,                                         
But please bear in mind                                     
That these days I'm not up to speed."                       
                                                            
 7441 BOOZE - DOPE                   A. N. Wilkins       P8803



A greedy young pusher named Ash                             
Spent hours in guarding his cache                           
Of H, LSD,                                                  
And most faithfully                                         
His three tones of Mexican hash.                            
                                                            
 7442 BOOZE - DOPE                   Armand E Singer       735



I was thinking, while taking a hit,                         
It's okay you decided to quit.                              
Because, as you see,                                        
That just leaves more for me.                               
But, I'm willing to pass on a bit.                          
                                                            
 7443 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



A young Psychologist, Jolene,                               
Never seemed to have time to keep clean.                    
From morning 'til night                                     
Came clients uptight,                                       
With problems that drove her to morphine!                   
                                                            
 7444 BOOZE - DOPE                   Dick Hull                



There was a young fellow named Chris                        
Who collected toadstools in Diss.                           
His interest in fungus                                      
Was certainly humungous,                                    
But eating them produced the most bliss.                    
                                                            
 7445 BOOZE - DOPE                   K M Briggs               



The Good Old Days, to needle meant                          
To josh (in words more vehement).                           
Or, phonograph to start                                     
Or polygraph to chart.                                      
Today, old age to circumvent.                               
                                                            
 7446 BOOZE - DOPE                   Irving Superior     P8803



Visit Turkey, and try the hashish;                          
Go ahead -- smoke as much as you wish.                      
But it's tempting the fates                                 
To sneak hash to the states,                                
'Cause, then, they'll arrest you -- capisch?                
                                                            
 7447 BOOZE - DOPE                   Robin K. Willoughby P8407



There once was a whore from North Seoul                     
Whose brain size was that of a mole.                        
When asked for a light,                                     
She replied with delight                                    
"I'm sorry, I only smoke pole!"                             
                                                            
 7448 BOOZE - DOPE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



When men seek release from their pain                       
In opium, gin, or cocaine,                                  
They fancy a puff                                           
Or a sniff of the stuff                                     
Is enough. They won't need it again.                        
                                                            
 7449 BOOZE - DOPE                   Laurence Perrine    P8803



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw                             
Took the overnight train to Saginaw;                        
Cursed with wild dreams,                                    
Hysterical screams;                                         
They'd puffed on great stuff we now outlaw!                 
                                                            
 7450 BOOZE - DOPE                                            



In all things a rapid beginner,                             
Young Fay soon excelled as a sinner.                        
When tired at nine,                                         
Of cocaine and fine wine,                                   
She switched to cigars and paint thinner.                   
                                                            
 7451 BOOZE - DOPE                   Paul M Hoffman           



A regular guy was St. Loaned;                               
Made tinctures from plants that he owned.                   
Before he had croaked,                                      
He also had smoked                                          
The mull he had privately grown!                            
                                                            
 7452 BOOZE - DOPE                   Archie                   



For the lad though, we hold out slim hope.                  
We enabled the young chap to "cope."                        
Skilled at repetition,                                      
Not much for contrition,                                    
We predict he'll soon sell and use dope.                    
                                                            
 7453 BOOZE - DOPE                   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9901



A quiet young head known as Clark,                          
Liked tripping at home in the dark;                         
But his Christmas went bad                                  
When they raided his pad -                                  
'Twas a visit from good ol Saint Narc.                      
                                                            
 7454 BOOZE - DOPE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Crack, pot, LSD, and cocaine                                
Are all drugs which poison the brain;                       
As a shot in the arm                                        
They can only do harm,                                      
And are deadly when taken in vein.                          
                                                            
 7455 BOOZE - DOPE                   Laurence Perrine    P8803



There once was a teacher at school;                         
Everyone thought she was a fool.                            
Though her name was Ms. Pope,                               
He was hooked upon dope,                                    
But we still think she's pretty cool.                       
                                                            
 7456 BOOZE - DOPE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



The pain in the molar, it's clear,                          
Hooked DeQuincy on opium. Queer.                            
His work on this theme                                      
Brought him instant esteem,                                 
And a toothache thus launched his career.                   
                                                            
 7457 BOOZE - DOPE                   A. N. Wilkins       P8803



I have a big sister called Fiona,                           
Sometimes she's a bit of a moaner.                          
When smoking a joint,                                       
She misses the point,                                       
Because she is a total stoner.                              
                                                            
 7458 BOOZE - DOPE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



When I told my hippie friend, Lance,                        
About medicine and its transplants,                         
He started to smoke;                                        
Of poppy he spoke;                                          
And joked about other trance plants.                        
                                                            
 7459 BOOZE - DOPE                   Irving Superior     P9503



Long ago, I was tripping on acid,                           
While banging a girl from Lake Placid.                      
The hallucinations, I confess,                              
That floated out of her breast,                             
Were enough to make me go flacid.                           
                                                            
 7460 BOOZE - DOPE                   John Chastaine           



Said a young lady named Abbey Bowen                         
This tale 'bout my boyfriend's worth knowin'.               
Tranquilizers he takes                                      
Then pep pills when he wakes;                               
Doesn't know if he's "calming or going."                    
                                                            
 7461 BOOZE - DOPE                   Michael F. Ellis    P8902



I recently smoked my last roach;                            
'Twas easy; I needed no coach.                              
I did have one loss;                                        
Wasted lots of sauce                                        
When the space 'twixt the legs, I did broach.               
                                                            
 7462 BOOZE - DOPE                   Cybe R Wizard            



Jack and Jill went up the hill                              
To smoke a bit of leaf.                                     
Jack got high,                                              
Unzipped his fly,                                           
And Jill yelled, "Where's the beef?"                        
(in Ellery Queen Magazine)                                  
 7463 BOOZE - DOPE                   Mark Grenier        P9108



Errol Flynn when once he was blotto                         
Smeared cocaine on his dick and said, "What Ho!             
When I start to reflect                                     
On the women I've decked,                                   
'Things go getter with Coke' is my motto."                  
                                                            
 7464 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Bob Giandomenico    P8803



There once was a fellow named Norton                        
Who had a bad habit of snortin'                             
Cocaine every day,                                          
Which came quickly his way,                                 
For his brother was into importin'.                         
                                                            
 7465 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Cap'n Bean          P9812



A truly great chemist is Flack,                             
Whose doctoral thesis on cack                               
Became world-renowned,                                      
Has recently found                                          
The stuff's as addictive as crack.                          
                                                            
 7466 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Armand E Singer       890



This child of the Age of Aquarius --                        
His hold on real life is precarious,                        
Not to speak of cocaine                                     
Which has rotted his brain;                                 
His sins of the flesh are quite various.                    
                                                            
 7467 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Armand E Singer       926



A dealer in cocaine named Moses                             
Has a problem that one might suppose is                     
That, though millions he reaps,                             
He's just one of those creeps                               
With his business in other folks noses.                     
                                                            
 7468 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Bob Giandomenico    P8803



From the depths of a prison's confines                      
Came a sad cocaine user's bleak whines,                     
"How can limerists go free                                  
While a fellow like me                                      
Gets busted for doing five lines?"                          
                                                            
 7469 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Bob Giandomenico    P8907



Though the Mexicans tend to be clannish,                    
A visitor's problems will vanish,                           
Observers report                                            
If he is the sort                                           
Who knows how to say COKE in Spanish.                       
                                                            
 7470 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         A. N. Wilkins       P8607



The film began with LSD --                                  
The skipper, then, more wild grows he --                    
To needles and snorting,                                    
Rebellion he's courting.                                    
The film, The Cocaine Mutiny.                               
                                                            
 7471 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Irving Superior     P8803



The Good Old Days -- "crack up" -- a plane                  
Or any girl while being lain.                               
"Crack down" -- to evil stop                                
Or if the girls on top.                                     
Today a sales graph of cocaine.                             
                                                            
 7472 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Irving Superior     P8803



Cocaine, if it is inhaled,                                  
Your nares will be sorely assailed.                         
Free-based, it's toxic,                                     
Makes you hypoxic --                                        
And if you're caught, you'll be jailed.                     
                                                            
 7473 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Kaylin                   



Most dealers in coke, I suppose,                            
Don't think of themselves as our foes.                      
But in jails they sit, broken,                              
For incessantly pokin'                                      
Their business in everyone's nose.                          
                                                            
 7474 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE                                  



Says one GOP hopeful, "One blow                             
Will lay the damned deficit low.                            
Have the Feds sell Coke plain                               
And laced with cocaine.                                     
The voter can simply say no."                               
                                                            
 7475 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         A.N. Wilkins        P8803



The Good Old Days when "dirty crack" --                     
A vulgar snide vocal attack,                                
Or else could allude                                        
To pussies over-used.                                       
We wish The Good Old Days were back.                        
                                                            
 7476 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Irving Superior     P8803



A guy from New York has the knack                           
For mixing his sins in the sack.                            
He sprinkles his snow                                       
On the mound of a 'ho,                                      
And declares that he double snorts crack.                   
                                                            
 7477 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Irish                    



Maradona, a footballing bloke,                              
Was in Switzerland when he awoke.                           
The doctors assured:                                        
"You're finally cured.                                      
As you see, you're drinking your Coke!"                     
                                                            
 7478 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Robin Maylett            



There was a young girl dressed in black,                    
Who kept her drugs in a spice rack.                         
It wasn't her fault,                                        
Her mom thought it salt;                                    
Now her family is all hooked on crack.                      
                                                            
 7479 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Lims For Year - 01       



This month I'm among the decliners;                         
I won't corrupt innocent minors;                            
A theme about coke                                          
Is a bad sort of joke                                       
When some many of us are five-liners.                       
                                                            
 7480 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Ed Potts            P8803



Her stash of cocaine's called "Rock, white"                 
Because of her dad's lofty height --                        
The media hacks                                             
Just won't call it "crack",                                 
Because "crack's" for the poor and non-white.               
(Jeb Bush, Gov of Florida, daughter caught with cocaine)    
 7481 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Dr Limerick  12-10-02    



The whole world's suffering attacks;                        
From somewhere comes dreaded anthrax.                       
It's hard to explain                                        
To sellers of cocaine,                                      
Why white powder demands have relaxed.                      
                                                            
 7482 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Tony Burrell             



Maradonna's name linked with cocaine;                       
His football fans ask, is he sane?                          
Their idol, their dream,                                    
Has gone down in esteem,                                    
And their loss is a drug dealer's gain!                     
                                                            
 7483 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Arthur Pattaffy          



You have all heard of a mule train;                         
From Jamaica comes a mule plane.                            
A kilo of coke                                              
Inside every bloke,                                         
But flying that way is a pain.                              
                                                            
 7484 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Tony Burrell             



The carrier is known as a mule,                             
And he sure is a bit of a fool.                             
For it surely is plain                                      
That cocaine is a pain,                                     
So cocaine is a pain in the tool!                           
                                                            
 7485 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         AA                       



There once was a dealer from Gary,                          
Who fell for a tight end named Barry.                       
He would fuck like a horse,                                 
'Cause he needed the source                                 
Of quality crack from a fairy!                              
                                                            
 7486 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Sensitive politician, Joe Zack,                             
When discovered to be smoking crack,                        
Went on the defensive;                                      
Said, "This is offensive:                                   
An affront to be taken aback!"                              
                                                            
 7487 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



Two narcs in a drug-busting pack                            
Bodysearched a fat bull-dyke named Mack                     
And to their surprise                                       
After spreading her thighs,                                 
Found hidden there ten pounds of crack.                     
                                                            
 7488 BOOZE - DOPE - COCAINE         Bob Giandomenico    P8801



There was a young student named Cass                        
Who said, "I don't know why they gas                        
So much about pot,                                          
Get up tight and what not,                                  
For the Bible says, 'All flesh is grass.'"                  
                                                            
 7489 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             A N Wilkins         P0211



Deer Archie, you taut me a lot's;                           
Like coma's and, sentince-end dots...                       
The part I liked best                                       
Was when we wood rest,                                      
When we was done smoking those pot's.                       
                                                            
 7490 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



I've quit that ol' huffin' and puffin';                     
For 4 years I haven't touched nuffin'.                      
On second thought [laugh]                                   
Make that 4 and a half;                                     
Summer '98 I ate that muffin.                               
                                                            
 7491 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Zaphod                   



A muffin?  You ask, what's that got                         
To do with huff-puffin'?  A lot!                            
'Cause guess what was in                                    
That darn old muffin?                                       
Four grams of the craziest pot.                             
                                                            
 7492 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Zaphod                   



Four grams in one muffin? - A LIE!                          
Well okay then, don't make me cry.                          
A sandcake it was,                                          
But caused equal fuzz                                       
When eaten, I thought I would die.                          
                                                            
 7493 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Zaphod                   



Well, 'dying' may be a bit strong                           
But goddamn!  That trip lasted long;                        
In hours - 36!                                              
With the mind playin' tricks,                               
I'll never again go so wrong.                               
                                                            
 7494 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Zaphod                   



Detoxification I need                                       
After chewing this cannabis weed.                           
I was led to believe                                        
By old Adam and Eve,                                        
'Twas a vitamin supplement feed.                            
                                                            
 7495 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



When he planted some pot, Farmer Howie,                     
Didn't figure this treat for his cow. He                    
Got a scond-hand buzz                                       
From her milk, which now was                                
A brand new drink -- Cowie Wowie!                           
                                                            
 7496 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Ann Gasser          P8803



There once was a fellow named Brian                         
Who rode to Port Jeff on a lion;                            
After smoking a joint                                       
He returned to Blue Point                                   
And both he and the lion were flyin'.                       
                                                            
 7497 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



There once was a fellow named Marty,                        
Said, "Weed gives me gas; makes me farty."                  
So when he would toot,                                      
Those who knew, all would scoot                             
To his pad for a smokin' good party.                        
                                                            
 7498 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Anon                     



This morning I'm puffin' my pipe,                           
And my brain filled with wonderous light.                   
My mind flew away;                                          
It's my body did stay.                                      
Goddamn!  This new weed is alright!                         
                                                            
 7499 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Eydol                    



This morning I'm puffing my pipe                            
And my brain filled with wonderous light.                   
My mind flew away,                                          
But my body did stay.                                       
God-damn this new weed is alright!                          
                                                            
 7500 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



I heard some weird things walking past                      
The Neuroscience session, on grass.                         
Good ideas?  Not a bit.                                     
They just talked loads of shit,                             
And all got green stains on their ass.                      
                                                            
 7501 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Anon                     



They use dope in D.C., I swear.                             
It's obvious to me that they're                             
Smoking a lot,                                              
And it must be pot.                                         
I know that the joint chiefs are there.                     
                                                            
 7502 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Al Willis           P9509



On my last visit to Mexico                                  
They discovered the place that I stow                       
My three Kilo's of pot.                                     
They never forgot                                           
The capacity of my asshole.                                 
                                                            
 7503 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Jim Weaver Collection    



A baby in booties and bonnet                                
Has a pot; poops and pees when upon it;                     
But as quick as you got                                     
The kid off the pot,                                        
He surely as hell is back on it.                            
                                                            
 7504 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Ed Potts            P8803



There once was a girl named Lana                            
Who was fond of both flora and fauna.                       
The leaves that she needs                                   
Do not grow on trees;                                       
Her preference is for marijuana.                            
                                                            
 7505 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Gearhart                 



I think I have met this young Lana,                         
While fondling herself in my sauna!                         
"How'd you get in?"                                         
I asked with a grin,                                        
While eyeing that girlish blond fauna.                      
                                                            
 7506 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Gearhart                 



"Marijuana," said Little Bo Peep,                           
"Is a crop I can raise with my sheep.                       
When the weather is sunny,                                  
There is plenty of money;                                   
I merely must weed it and reap."                            
                                                            
 7507 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Hugh Clary               



And here on this real laid-back day,                        
There's nothing that I gotta say,                           
'Cept if you find my sheep                                  
Y'all welcome to keep                                       
Them, 'cause man, they're just blowin' away.                
                                                            
 7508 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



Local newsmen protest the suppression                       
Of the Congressman's startling confession:                  
With the chair from Sin City                                
Of a Senate committee,                                      
He had sometimes arranged a joint session.                  
                                                            
 7509 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             A. N. Wilkins       P8803



We've heard those who smoke marijuana                       
Love it and all the time wanna                              
But doctors agree                                           
It sometimes can be                                         
What causes man's droopy iguana                             
                                                            
 7510 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



All male pot smokers I've seen,                             
Kept girlfriends quite peachy and keen.                     
And the doctors who                                         
Don't smoke; (there's a few)                                
Take percodans, 'ludes, and morphine.                       
                                                            
 7511 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



Those doctors, be certain to fear.                          
As well those who say, "Choose a beer!"                     
God made Mary Jane.                                         
Beer's man-made (that's plain).                             
In whom we should trust is quite clear.                     
                                                            
 7512 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



The Supreme Court has voted, eight-zip,                     
That no matter how sick, you can't trip.                    
You can, if you wanna                                       
Still use marijuana,                                        
If you're able to give cops the slip.                       
                                                            
 7513 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Dr Limerick  05-14-01    



There is an old druggie named Dieter,                       
Who pops an ocassional speeder.                             
He loves smoking pot,                                       
And tokes up a lot,                                         
But insists "I really don't need 'er."                      
                                                            
 7514 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Dieter Vancouver         



I come to you in time of need;                              
This morning, my girlfriend has fleed                       
For three years to study                                    
Far away, and I'm bloody                                    
All out of "medicinal" weed.                                
                                                            
 7515 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



So any gals out there, take heed:                           
Come to me and do a good deed.                              
If you're good in bed                                       
And giving good head,                                       
I'll sell your body to buy weed.                            
                                                            
 7516 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



I want what Witch Hazel has got;                            
Her energy's running real hot.                              
She'll fly all around;                                      
She'll leap and she'll bound;                               
Her pep comes from her smoking pot.                         
                                                            
 7517 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Travis                   



Though the really top corporate brass                       
Think Yuppies all right as a class,                         
Since they won't hire the lot                               
Of those who smoke pot,                                     
The Yuppies keep off the grass.                             
                                                            
 7518 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             A. N. Wilkins       P8803



Weed Summa cumcannabis dopus,                               
Highest of all of Europa's,                                 
Caused the prodigy Flynn,                                   
With a sharp violin,                                        
To butcher a magnum opus.                                   
                                                            
 7519 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Cyber Geezer             



There was a young lady named Kristen                        
Who looked for a job to assist in;                          
On horseback she rode                                       
To the nearest commode,                                     
To locate the pot that she pissed in.                       
                                                            
 7520 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Eric Perlin              



Today I fired Kristin for riding                            
Along with the sheriff and siding                           
With him when he found                                      
Some plants on the ground,                                  
Then pissed on the pot I've been hiding.                    
                                                            
 7521 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Travis brasell           



A hippity-hoppity rabbit                                    
If offered a joint, leapt to grab it.                       
He claimed, at no point                                     
During smoking a joint,                                     
Was inhaling a part of his habit.                           
                                                            
 7522 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Prof M-G                 



Oh, you and me, and old Uncle Sam,                          
We brought Democracy to Vietnam.                            
We fucked monkeys and yaks,                                 
Little girls in black slacks,                               
And smoked pot till we gave not a damn!                     
                                                            
 7523 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                 G1311



So you say that you don't want to knit.                     
Have a gram of my pot, take a hit.                          
'Stead of climbing the walls,                               
You'll be scratching your balls,                            
Watching sport, drinking beer, all that shit.               
                                                            
 7524 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Peter Wilkins            



No wonder your mind is a gone-a,                            
You're smoking some bad marijuana.                          
Destroy all that shit                                       
Before your next hit;                                       
Here, toke some of mine if you wanna.                       
                                                            
 7525 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from Peru,                            
Who didn't know what she should do.                         
So she sat on her ass,                                      
And smoked up some grass,                                   
And now she's as ugly as you!                               
                                                            
 7526 BOOZE - DOPE - POT             The Rightor              



Schoolmasters are chock full of charm                       
And never would wish to cause harm.                         
I'd only use pot,                                           
When I had a plot                                           
To make a young miss a new Ma'am.                           
                                                            
 7527 BOOZE - DOPE - POT                                      



The love of outdoors is the spark                           
Which makes lots of campers embark                          
For places they've known --                                 
Mount Ranier, Yellowstone --                                
To spend fourteen days drunk in the park.                   
                                                            
 7528 BOOZE - DRUNK                  A. N. Wilkins       P8610



An anchorman fond of his booze,                             
Was arrested while reading the news.                        
"They're treating me bad."                                  
He said, "All that I had                                    
Was just one tini many martoos."                            
                                                            
 7529 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Cybergeezer              



We applaud your erudition,                                  
But will offer no contrition                                
For those strange phrases                                   
Which bring aphasias                                        
To sots after imbibition.                                   
                                                            
 7530 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Daniel Ford              



The night before Christmas is here;                         
Soon sleigh bells and reindeer we'll hear.                  
Each good girl and boy                                      
Will get a new toy,                                         
And the bad ones will get drunk on beer!                    
                                                            
 7531 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Lynn                     



A young adult stopped by LAPD,                              
Was accused of being D.I.C..  (??-McW)                      
He was tested for drink;                                    
Released quick as a blink;                                  
He was carrying a small U.X.B.. (unexploded bomb)           
                                                            
 7532 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Is a cellar the same as a basement?                         
Are they just two names for one placement?                  
For the drunk and the sot --                                
Decidedly not.                                              
A cellar's a name for abasement.                            
                                                            
 7533 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Laurence Perrine    P8403



Some very old scotch they were drinking;                    
To tweak one another they're thinking.                      
Before ink gets blotted,                                    
The two are besotted,                                       
And heavy eyelids go unblinking.                            
                                                            
 7534 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Ken Bonnell              



'Tis liquor we swig when we mingle;                         
It makes the blood seethe; the brain tingle.                
Too much causes trouble                                     
It makes one see double                                     
And in some situations, feel single.                        
                                                            
 7535 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Bob Giandomenico    P8803



A drunken old tar from St. Clements,                        
To ward off the scurvy, sucked lemons.                      
"With my health unimpaired,                                 
I have time," he declared,                                  
"To die of delirium tremens."                               
                                                            
 7536 BOOZE - DRUNK                  John Ciardi              



In a barroom just south of Trafalgar Square,                
And elephant sat with a clown and a bear.                   
The clown waxed poetic,                                     
(His poems were pathetic)                                   
But his friends were too wasted to care.                    
                                                            
 7537 BOOZE - DRUNK                  W. Haskins               



I tossed off a bumper of grog,                              
And then entered a two-week long fog;                       
Then I salted and peppered                                  
My poor German Shepherd                                     
And swallowed the hair and the dog!                         
                                                            
 7538 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Robin K. Willoughby P8403



A drunk who had nothing to lose                             
Was arrested for a public snooze.                           
Proclaimed when he was freed                                
"No applause do I need;                                     
I'm much happier with all the booze."                       
                                                            
 7539 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Susan Jane Driver        



Whenever he'd taken a quart                                 
This sailor had need of support.                            
When full was the carboy, he'd                              
List to the starboard,                                      
When empty he listed to port.                               
                                                            
 7540 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Laurence Perrine    P8403



He left the bar, 'cross the street dashed.                  
In his mind, scenes of life flashed,                        
Just before he was struck                                   
By an eighteen wheel truck.                                 
An autopsy showed he was smashed.                           
                                                            
 7541 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Observer                 



It begins with a sip, but a sip'll                          
Turn rapidly into a tipple.                                 
The tipple repeated,                                        
The drunkard unseated.                                      
He'll drown in a flood as a ship'll.                        
                                                            
 7542 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Laurence Perrine    P8403



BROW Billy once bought a large jug of juice,                
And drank till he felt he might slug a moose,               
But instead bashed away                                     
At his favorite toupee--                                    
Now he's serving a sentence for rug abuse.                  
                                                            
 7543 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Norm Storer         P9207



A scion of Boston Society                                   
Was pinched, and for mere impropriety.                      
"I will lay in the gutter,                                  
And refuse to utter                                         
One word in defense of sobriety."                           
                                                            
 7544 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Conrad Aiken             



There was an old man in a trunk                             
Who inquired of his wife, "Am I drunk?"                     
She replied with regret,                                    
"I'm afraid so, my pet."                                    
And he answered, "It's just as I thunk"                     
                                                            
 7545 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Ogden Nash               



Crooned a whimsical King of Siam                            
To his drinking pal, Omar Khayyam,                          
"Whoo and toot-toot,                                        
They say you're astute,                                     
But right now you're drunker than I am!"                    
                                                            
 7546 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Bennet Cerf Coll    P9210



An Aussie whom friends say is riotous,                      
In court he did plead, "No lie -- it is                     
Quite true I'm no monk;                                     
I'm still so damned drunk,                                  
I don't rightly know just what day it is."                  
                                                            
 7547 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Armand Singer       P0402



It sounds like a scene very bad,                            
To drink all the booze to be had.                           
One wonders the source,                                     
The answer, of course,                                      
They learned it from their dear old Dad!                    
                                                            
 7548 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Chris Papa               



There was an old Fellow of Trinity,                         
A doctor well versed in Divinity;                           
But he took to free-thinking,                               
And then to deep drinking,                                  
And so had to leave the vicinity.                           
                                                            
 7549 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Arthur C. Hilton         



In saloons around town, Titus Boynts                        
With strong spirits his gullet anoints.                     
His wife told him, "Titus,                                  
You're just like arthritis;                                 
You get stiff in all of the joints."                        
                                                            
 7550 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Bob Giandomenico    P8803



A fellow I knew nicknamed Jimbo                             
Got bombed and attempted to limbo;                          
He got down so far                                          
As the 8-inch high bar;                                     
Now his arms and his legs are akimbo.                       
                                                            
 7551 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Robin K. Willoughby P8403



There once was a big boy named Clay                         
Who would search for the hookers all day.                   
He'd find a drunk chick                                     
To tug on his dick,                                         
But his stomach would get in the way.                       
                                                            
 7552 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Jim Weaver Collection    



"Gadzooks!" said Sir Percy Wynn-Jones,                      
"That booze is rotting my bones.                            
It's turning my eyes                                        
Into little pork pies,                                      
And my credit accounts into loans."                         
                                                            
 7553 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Mike O'Conner            



I be just come home from the pub,                           
Where I had a nice bit of grub,                             
And a nice pint or two                                      
Of that Old Country Brew,                                   
Or three or four, that's the rub...                         
                                                            
 7554 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tiddy Ogg                



At Fiona I made a swift pass --                             
That's the barmaid, a fair Scottish lass;                   
But she slapped my face.                                    
I was in disgrace,                                          
And was thrown straight out on the grass.                   
                                                            
 7555 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tiddy Ogg                



I couldn't resist that girl's charm                         
And I really did do her no harm.                            
Just one little grope --                                    
Now I feel like a dope                                      
And I'm banned from the Rat Catchers Arms.                  
                                                            
 7556 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a fellow named Joe                           
Who lost all his 'get up and go'.                           
Almost without thinking,                                    
He went heavy drinking,                                     
And found an astonishing flow!                              
                                                            
 7557 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Jean Fox                 



There once was a man who drank liquor.                      
Now he can get it all quicker.                              
He'll buy it on credit,                                     
On his grave they will tread it:                            
Our problems get sicker and sicker.                         
                                                            
 7558 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Joel Rutledge, Dem  P9503



If there's one thing you have surely mastered,              
It's the talent for getting quite plastered.                
Your sisters and brothers                                   
Were sober as mothers,                                      
So it's possible you were a love child.                     
                                                            
 7559 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Al Willis          TP9804



Thinking and drinking don't mix;                            
The mind starts to play silly tricks.                       
It thinks all is fine;                                      
I'm having a good time;                                     
Is that seven I've had or just six?                         
                                                            
 7560 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tony Burrell             



A bridegroom who hailed from Poughkeepsie                   
Swilled beer until getting real tipsy.                      
He missed his own wedding                                   
Toward which he was heading,                                
And wound up in bed with a Gypsy.                           
                                                            
 7561 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Armand E Singer       422



My Charlie was drinkin' last night,                         
Got into a terrible fight.                                  
I talked to the Doc,                                        
He says Charlie's in shock,                                 
But he thinks that my Momma's alright.                      
                                                            
 7562 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Observer                 



Said a hideous spinster from Oldham,                        
"If you find a good man, you must hold him;                 
When he comes home dead drunk,                              
And smell worse than a skunk,                               
Never nag him, reproach him, or scold him.                  
                                                            
 7563 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Armand E Singer       863



As a C.P.A.'s mistress complains,                           
When he's soused, his virility wanes.                       
So I get, when he drinks,                                   
A male asset that shrinks,                                  
And no cervical capital gains.                              
                                                            
 7564 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old drunkard from Devon,                       
Who died and ascended to Heaven.                            
But he cried, "This is Hades,                               
There are no naughty ladies,                                
And the pubs are all shut by eleven."                       
                                                            
 7565 BOOZE - DRUNK                  O'Rourkes Pub       P0204



The bartender asked a man there                             
To drive home a man passed out in the next chair.           
He dragged the man home,                                    
Where the wife did bemoan:                                  
"That's fine, but where's his wheelchair?"                  
                                                            
 7566 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Res Ipsa                 



There once was a fellow who drank                           
And whose mind would often go blank.                        
When the nurse called "George" or "Bill",                   
He'd answer her, still,                                     
His name was neither, 'twas Frank.                          
                                                            
 7567 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Edwin J Weinstein        



A word of advice, you dumb bastard:                         
Never drive, shoot, or screw when you're plastered.         
For you tend to forget                                      
When your pecker is wet,                                    
The mechanical tricks that you've mastered.                 
                                                            
 7568 BOOZE - DRUNK                                      G2251



A Korean whose home was in Seoul,                           
Had notions uncommonly droll.                               
He'd get himself stewed,                                    
And pose in the nude                                        
From the top of a telephone pole.                           
                                                            
 7569 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Arthur Deex              



There once was a barber called Hone,                        
A young man of considerable tone.                           
He would tell you when drunk,                               
"I smell like a skunk,"                                     
But the odor was Eau de Cologne.                            
                                                            
 7570 BOOZE - DRUNK                                           



Little old ladies in tennis shoes                           
Fill any ship on which I cruise.                            
So it's not the Love Boat                                   
On which I will float,                                      
Just an excuse to drown in good booze.                      
                                                            
 7571 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Harry Rubin         P9108



Uncle Dougal loves the strong stuff;                        
He tallies his drinks on his cuff.                          
He gets rather bolder                                       
As it reaches his shoulder.                                 
By then he has sure that's enough.                          
                                                            
 7572 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tony Burrell             



Good heavens, I think I'm a monk,                           
Either that or I'm terribly drunk;                          
For I've peered down my shorts                              
And had horrible thoughts                                   
For I think that my thingy has shrunk!                      
                                                            
 7573 BOOZE - DRUNK                                           



While befuddled with booze, Mr. Astor,                      
Made a pass at a statue of plaster.                         
When informed of his error,                                 
His mind filled with terror.                                
"What a blessing", he said, "I'm not faster."               
                                                            
 7574 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Anon                     



I drink and I drank and I'm drunk.                          
Then sink, till I'm sank, then quite sunk.                  
But still I am muddled,                                     
Completely befuddled,                                       
Though I think and I've thank till I'm thunk.               
                                                            
 7575 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tiddy Ogg                



I think that I thought that I thunk                         
That to drink is to drank until drunk.                      
When I reach for the door,                                  
It's my face on the floor;                                  
On the planks I lay planked and kerplunk.                   
                                                            
 7576 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Eric Hinds               



There was an old man of Lahore                              
Who came home as drunk as a boar.                           
He put his dog Fife                                         
Into bed with his wife,                                     
And he threw himself outside the door.                      
                                                            
 7577 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2653



From the pub I am home (no, not pissed)                     
And there's hardly a thing that I've missed.                
Though the raffle... Who won                                
Trips to Dublin?  That's fun,                               
But I'm sober (though I won't insist).                      
                                                            
 7578 BOOZE - DRUNK                                           



Said a blind man by the name of Dale,                       
"Something happens to me without fail.                      
This is no bunk,                                            
When I get drunk,                                           
I'm feeling double when I read Braille."                    
                                                            
 7579 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tom Patton          P9708



Young Sven was big help in a fog;                           
His shipmates would ply him with GLOGG,                     
And there in the bows,                                      
With a well-lit nose,                                       
They'd follow the doughty sea-dog.                          
                                                            
 7580 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Chris Papa               



The story, immoral I fear,                                  
Encouraged strong liquor and beer.                          
'Twas cleaned up by Norse,                                  
And renamed, of course,                                     
To star Rudolph, Santa's reindeer.                          
                                                            
 7581 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Chris Papa               



The policeman said "Intoxicated!"                           
But Henry stood up and debated:                             
"After months off the bottle                                
I'd just found a pottle,                                    
And was naturally feeling elated."                          
(pottle - half gallon)                                      
 7582 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Laurence Perrine    P8403



When guzzled a large excess,                                
The ethanol makes a great mess.                             
Antifreeze to some,                                         
While others act dumb,                                      
And in evolution regress.                                   
                                                            
 7583 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Chris Papa               



A Jew and a Scotsman, found 'tight',                        
Were charged by a bobby, one night.                         
But the judge slyly winks;                                  
"Where's the man who bought drinks?                         
He's the culprit, if I judge them right."                   
                                                            
 7584 BOOZE - DRUNK                                      P8111



I once played a ghost, just pretend,                        
On Halloween night with a friend;                           
We drank quarts of brandy                                   
And doled out the candy;                                    
Our costumes?  Three sheets to the wind!                    
                                                            
 7585 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Travis Brasell           



Such well-winded sheets, did they scare                     
The kids that sought candy to spare.                        
Though close is the call                                    
That night in the Fall,                                     
Where beans, I would guess, fouled the air?                 
                                                            
 7586 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Matthew Montchalin       



There was an old fellow named Sidney,                       
Who drank 'til he ruined a kidney.                          
It shriveled and shrank,                                    
As he sat there and drank,                                  
But he had a good time of it, didn't he?                    
                                                            
 7587 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Don Marquis              



There was a young fellow from Kent,                         
Who drank till he grew redolent.                            
He wasn't so rank                                           
That you could say he stank,                                
But downwind he gave off quite a scent.                     
                                                            
 7588 BOOZE - DRUNK                  John Ciardi              



I'm sitting  at work like a drudge;                         
From this keyboard I will not budge.                        
It's not that I'm canned,                                   
And can't even shtand,                                      
I'm shober ash any zhudfvge.                                
                                                            
 7589 BOOZE - DRUNK                                           



She confided one day to the Vicar:                          
"My husband is given to liquor.                             
He'll attend Sunday mass                                    
For a sip of the glass                                      
And a wa-fer, becoming soused quicker."                     
                                                            
 7590 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Laurence Perrine    P8403



There once was a midget named Carr,                         
Who couldn't reach up to the bar.                           
So in every saloon                                          
He'd climb a spittoon,                                      
And guzzle his liquor from thar.                            
                                                            
 7591 BOOZE - DRUNK                                      L0768



There was a young man named Malone                          
Who screwed an old whore in Cologne.                        
He had better, he thunk,                                    
At the time he got drunk,                                   
When he buggered a statue of stone.                         
                                                            
 7592 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0729



I was driving along in my car,                              
When I saw a great shooting star.                           
The star was a dipper,                                      
A stud and a stripper,                                      
Who'd just staggered out of some bar.                       
                                                            
 7593 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Neal Wilgus         P8511



A well-built teenager, a punk                               
Was arrested for being quite drunk.                         
He said, in dismay                                          
As they led him away,                                       
Don't treat me like some worthless junk!                    
                                                            
 7594 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Arthur Pattaffy          



One evening while playing at whist,                         
My partner leaned over and hissed:                          
"That's your tenth double gin,                              
You've a vacuous grin.                                      
In a word... -- ah, you're getting the gist.                
                                                            
 7595 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Bill Wall                



A thinker whose thought were all punk                       
Hit the bottle and got himself drunk.                       
But his face was all smiles;                                
He relabeled his files                                      
Philosophically: think, thank, or thunk.                    
                                                            
 7596 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Neal Wilgus         P8311



I've thought and I've thank and I've thunk;                 
I've sought, then I sank, now I'm sunk.                     
Thirst I could not bear;                                    
I'm now worse for wear;                                     
For the drought, well I drank, now I'm drunk.               
                                                            
 7597 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Tiddy Ogg                



Swapping limericks while both were quite drunk,             
To such a low level they've sunk.                           
With each sip of scotch,                                    
Their brain slipped a notch.                                
Now they can't tell a thought from a thunk.                 
                                                            
 7598 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Ken Bonnell              



A fellow from Sweden named Sven                             
When drinking could never say when.                         
He would drink so much booze,                               
Through his pores it would ooze,                            
And when sober start drinking again.                        
                                                            
 7599 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Warrick Elrod            



In Pisa, a drunk out quite late                             
Saw a miracle he had to relate.                             
"I just thought I would swoon                               
When by light of the moon,                                  
The Tower beside me was straight!"                          
                                                            
 7600 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Warrick Elrod            



My first lim of year '99                                    
I had hoped would be perfectly fine.                        
But I've had a wee dram,                                    
And I feel that I am                                        
Quite unable to finish this...                              
                                                            
 7601 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Peter Wilkins            



A new health spa I found in Grants Pass                     
Has proven to be quite a gas.                               
I received a colonic                                        
Of vodka and tonic,                                         
And got totally drunk off my ass.                           
                                                            
 7602 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Jerry Nordal        P0201



"My wife," said an old man named Falk,                      
"Often drives me to drink with her talk."                   
"You're fortunate, Ned,"                                    
His compatriot said,                                        
"My wife," he complained, "Makes me walk."                  
                                                            
 7603 BOOZE - DRUNK                  A. N. Wilkins       P8403



A Glaswegian, in Leeds on a spree                           
Was arrested, and such was his plea:                        
"For drunken disorder --                                    
This side of the border?                                    
I demand an acquittal, Scot free."                          
                                                            
 7604 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Bill Bache-Hansen   P8812



A potter who had a large kiln,                              
Left it to a sot in his will.                               
Disgusted, the drunk,                                       
Said, "Really, I'd thunk                                    
He knew that I wanted a still."                             
                                                            
 7605 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Gilbert L. Campbell P9108



A bibulous fellow named Gooch,                              
As he thought he drank far too much hooch,                  
Decided to try                                              
To cut down on it by                                        
Drinking no more that what he could mooch.                  
                                                            
 7606 BOOZE - DRUNK                  A. N. Wilkins       P8403



There was a young man from Bordeaux,                        
Whose English was not 'comme il faut';                      
When asked if he'd drink,                                   
He'd reply with a wink:                                     
"Not 'demi, quel' jolly well ho!"                           
                                                            
 7607 BOOZE - DRUNK                  Langford Reed     (Bibby)



My advice is to exercise caution                            
And not to drink out of proportion.                         
Because too much wine                                       
(Although tasting divine)                                   
Will bring about "gutterul extortion".                      
                                                            
 7608 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF           Nik Synytskyy            



Martinis will cause her to kick up                          
Her heels, till she feels the first hiccup.                 
Then homeward she'll fly                                    
With a neighborly guy,                                      
And on the way puke in his pick-up.                         
                                                            
 7609 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF           Jerry Nordal             



Then once they've drunk all the booze,                      
And spewed up in both of the Loo's,                         
Off home they all go,                                       
Saying "Bye!" or "Cheerio!"                                 
Leaving us with the clean-up blues.                         
                                                            
 7610 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF                                    



Next morning while surveying the mess,                      
I think it went well, I must guess,                         
By the state of the walls,                                  
The carpets and halls,                                      
The damage from a tornado is less.                          
                                                            
 7611 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF                                    



From now on it's them, I'll invade,                         
To make up for the visits they've made,                     
The whole family I'll take,                                 
The cat, "Jess" & Dog, "Jake",                              
And then my revenge I'll have paid.                         
                                                            
 7612 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF                                    



A drunk is a sloppy old sot;                                
My contempt for them is a lot.                              
They ought to grow up                                       
Before they throw up,                                       
And wind up dead like a shot.                               
                                                            
 7613 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF           Arden                    



With her junk dawg, on a barstool she sat;                  
A drunk heaved on the pup -- like that -- splat!            
Bespattered, it howled;                                     
It shook; the drunk growled:                                
"Suvvagun! Don't recall eating that!"                       
                                                            
 7614 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF                                    



I'm suffering badly from booze;                             
Soon out of my pores it will ooze.                          
The evil Jim Beam                                           
Is not such a dream,                                        
And now I've been sick in my shoes!                         
                                                            
 7615 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF                                    



When lying around on the ground,                            
Watching ceilings revolving around,                         
And you feel you must chuck                                 
Up your guts in a buck-                                     
et and cringe at the tiniest sound.                         
                                                            
 7616 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF           Peter Wilkins            



...Then that is the time you say no,                        
That's enough of the beer or Bordeaux;                      
And in future take care                                     
To be fully aware                                           
Of how much you can drink in one go.                        
                                                            
 7617 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF           Peter Wilkins            



There once was a fellow named Greg                          
Who one night tied into a keg.                              
Now he did ingest                                           
But threw up the rest,                                      
Passed out, and pissed down his leg.                        
                                                            
 7618 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF           Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm drunk, yet continue to drink;                           
If I don't, what will everyone think?                       
I will lose their respect                                   
If their booze I reject,                                    
I'll just smile and spew in their sink!                     
                                                            
 7619 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF           Stiffy Joe               



The famously brave Avatar                                   
Went down to the pub for a jar.                             
After seven were downed,                                    
He smiled, then he frowned,                                 
As the eighth made him barf on the bar.                     
                                                            
 7620 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF                                    



Southern Comfort, a few beers to chase,                     
I awoke with my head at the base                            
Of the very commode,                                        
That I then climbed and rode,                               
And lost a few times to the race.                           
                                                            
 7621 BOOZE - DRUNK - BARF                                    



Now our Leda does loves her wine,                           
But she drove her car into the brine.                       
As she began to sink,                                       
She began to think,                                         
Have I been drunking way too much wine?                     
                                                            
 7622 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING                                 



A flickering fire in the night.                             
A car-becue, oh, what a sight!                              
What could he be thinking?                                  
The driver was drinking --                                  
The County Commissioner was tight!                          
                                                            
 7623 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING                                 



He hit the abutment so hard,                                
He holed his gas tank with a shard                          
Of friction-hot steel.                                      
He hops toe to heel --                                      
His car and the grass are both charred.                     
                                                            
 7624 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING                                 



"I only had one little sip!"                                
(It slipped 'twixt the cup and the lip.)                    
"The guy I picked up --                                     
I drank from his cup."                                      
"It must have been vodka," his quip.                        
                                                            
 7625 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING                                 



The hitchhiker cannot be found;                             
They have tried to run him to ground.                       
Elusive as mist,                                            
He does not exist.                                          
The Commissioner's story unwound.                           
                                                            
 7626 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING                                 



There was a young driver named Hicks                        
Who thought that he knew all the tricks.                    
After driving around                                        
On three drinks, what he found                              
Was that drinking and driving don't mix.                    
                                                            
 7627 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING        Albin Chaplin            



Do not drink if you're going to drive;                      
If you do, your wits take a dive.                           
You won't drive any quicker,                                
If you drink that liquor;                                   
You'll lower odds of staying alive.                         
                                                            
 7628 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING        Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a drunk driver named Eeseman                      
Thrown in jail for a very good reason.                      
While doing the breath test                                 
His hands happened to rest                                  
On the tits of a lady policeman.                            
                                                            
 7629 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING                                 



There was a young driver named Yank,                        
Who, when he wasn't driving, he drank!                      
He fell afoul of the law;                                   
He ain't driving no more.                                   
For his fine, he had to call his bank.                      
                                                            
 7630 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING        Arthur Pattaffy          



Now federal law in all states --                            
If you're planning to drive, hike or skate,                 
Don't exit your revel                                       
With alcohol level,                                         
On the north side of oh-point-oh-eight.                     
                                                            
 7631 BOOZE - DRUNK - DRIVING        Dr Limerick              



There was an old farmer named Swift,                        
Who went into town and got spiffed.                         
He awoke in a sty                                           
With a sow standing by,                                     
And said, "Now no use getting miffed!"                      
                                                            
 7632 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Jim Weaver Collection    



A souse by the name of Hooper,                              
After drinking, and in a stupor,                            
Awoke from a coma,                                          
Sniffed a flaming aroma,                                    
Said, "That last puff was a blooper!"                       
                                                            
 7633 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Maxine Spitzler     P9405



A guy by the name of Cain                                   
Was lying out cold in the rain;                             
He'd stumbled and smacked                                   
His head, so it cracked;                                    
The bastard was drunk as a Dane.                            
                                                            
 7634 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Martin V Jensen          



He was on his way to see Lynn,                              
But he made a quick stop at the inn.                        
Had he stayed away                                          
From the booze, I would say,                                
He'd not be in the state he's now in.                       
                                                            
 7635 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Dirruk                   



So he messed up his only big chance,                        
To have with this Lynn a romance.                           
She waited in vain                                          
For her beloved Dane,                                       
But he still wanted to frolic and dance.                    
                                                            
 7636 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Dirruk                   



Now the story gets a really good spin.                      
Not to disappoint beautiful Lynn,                           
Came a man fro the south,                                   
Approached swiftly Lynn's house,                            
That's the point where Dutch Dirruk comes in.               
                                                            
 7637 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Dirruk                   



While dancing at our celebration,                           
A curious manifestation;                                    
It occurred just like that,                                 
On my face I fell flat,                                     
Suffering inebreiation.                                     
                                                            
 7638 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Jim Weaver Collection    



That pitiful guy from Calcutta                              
Who'd stammer and stutter and mutter,                       
Got tight one dark night,                                   
Went outdoors to recite,                                    
And fell, nostrils first, in the gutter.                    
                                                            
 7639 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Robin K. Willoughby P8507



Said a guy who liked to drink beer,                         
"To me it is perfectly clear.                               
The more suds you drink,                                    
The better you think!"                                      
And then he fell on his ear.                                
                                                            
 7640 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Jan Sand                 



A sailor who'd been ashore drinking,                        
Dreamed he'd slipped overboard and was sinking.             
Indeed he was sunk,                                         
And he smelled like a skunk                                 
As he lay in the urinal stinking.                           
                                                            
 7641 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING                            G1379



When by alcohol I'm intoxicated                             
And my normal functions too degraded                        
When I lay, then, my head                                   
On my pillow in bed,                                        
I feel lucky 'cause so far I've made it.                    
                                                            
 7642 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING                                 



A tippler who'd sworn he'd stopped drinking,                
Passed a bar and, hearing glass clinking,                   
Upended a flagon,                                           
Then fell off the wagon,                                    
And into the gutter dropped, stinking.                      
                                                            
 7643 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Bob Giandomenico    P9608



At first he stood up for a drink.                           
He sat down for a second, I think.                          
Then, third, from the floor                                 
He gave fourth with a roar,                                 
Killed fifth, and sank under the sink.                      
                                                            
 7644 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Laurence Perrine    P8403



A sailor who came from Ann Arbor                            
Got drunk while in Baltimore harbor.                        
He was trying to lay                                        
The whole Chesapeake Bay                                    
When he fell, fly unzipped, by the starboard.               
                                                            
 7645 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Pedro J. Saavadra   P8301



Spent the night shootin' whiskey and bull;                  
Shot 'em both 'til I was quite full.                        
Left on my knees;                                           
Slept under the trees;                                      
Woke up with a mouthful of wool.                            
                                                            
 7646 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Topper                   



A crusty old sailor named Cline                             
Indulged, to excess, drinking wine;                         
While spotting a whale,                                     
Fell over the rail,                                         
And sank to his death in the brine.                         
                                                            
 7647 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Cap'n Bean          P0011



Of lager I'd  had quite a fill,                             
And was struggling home up Warmsley Hill.                   
In the darkness so deep,                                    
The road got so steep,                                      
That I stumbled and swayed on until...                      
                                                            
 7648 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Tiddy Ogg                



At last I was forced just to crawl,                         
In order to make that long haul;                            
For hand-holds I'd search,                                  
Then forward I'd lurch,                                     
Each moment dreading I'd fall.                              
                                                            
 7649 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Tiddy Ogg                



That climb seem to go on for years,                         
With the wind whistling cold 'round my ears.                
Then the moom could be seen,                                
Creeping from the cloud's screen,                           
And I quaked with the most awful fears.                     
                                                            
 7650 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Tiddy Ogg                



A white figure, arms opened wide,                           
Was standing there right by my side.                        
I, filled with great dread,                                 
Put my arms o'er my head,                                   
That grim apparition to hide.                               
                                                            
 7651 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Tiddy Ogg                



For my wickedness now I must pay.                           
For this must be my judgement day.                          
'Twas the Angel of Death,                                   
I'd taken my last breath...                                 
And with that thought, I then passed away.                  
                                                            
 7652 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Tiddy Ogg                



I awoke and I found that the ghost                          
Was not one of the heavenly host.                           
It now lacked its awe,                                      
For in daylight I saw                                       
It was only a weathered sign post.                          
                                                            
 7653 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Tiddy Ogg                



It was put there to show me the way.                        
From that moment to this very day,                          
I've not touched a drop                                     
Of the malt and the hop...                                  
Just cider and the odd beaujolais.                          
                                                            
 7654 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Tiddy Ogg                



From this thought there is no escape;                       
With way too much juice of the grape,                       
Mankind stumbles here                                       
And there, and I fear                                       
Resembles soused SAPIENT ape!                               
                                                            
 7655 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Chris Papa               



A Michigan boozer named Rand,                               
Quite often drank more than he planned.                     
One evening in Lansing,                                     
He thought he was dancing,                                  
Till somebody stepped on his hand.                          
                                                            
 7656 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Observer                 



In this group there is just one big loser                   
Who just happens to be a big boozer                         
While lifting his jug                                       
He fell back on his pug                                     
And then took a nice big long snoozer                       
                                                            
 7657 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING                                 



A shot taken after a beer                                   
Can warm up the heart with good cheer.                      
If people drink more,                                       
It's not long before                                        
Some walk with a wobble and veer.                           
                                                            
 7658 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        R. J. Winkler       P8403



The water here in Irvine stinks,                            
So I have been buying me drinks.                            
I can't hardly walk;                                        
Don't ask me to talk,                                       
And my eyeballs hurts when I blinks.                        
                                                            
 7659 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Marlene Lewis            



A bibulous Japanese fellow                                  
Fell downstairs and broke his patella;                      
His barkeep stuck the thing                                 
In a Singapore sling,                                       
Complete with a paper umbrella.                             
                                                            
 7660 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Robin K. Willoughby P8403



A man in the town of Poughkeepsie                           
Drank vodka and soon became tipsy.                          
He awoke the next day                                       
In a barn full of hay                                       
Amidst calves who were licking their lipsies.               
                                                            
 7661 BOOZE - DRUNK - FALLING        Actaeon                  



A young debutante called Lavinia                            
At the ball said, "I'm here and I'll sinia."                
In a blurred drunken drawl                                  
Said. "I'm belle of the ball,                               
And to prove it, I've drunk all the ginia."                 
                                                            
 7662 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Arthur Pattaffy          



A lawyer who came down from Croyden,                        
Met a lady who he'd been avoidin'.                          
For though she seemed puzzled,                              
When she got quite sozzled,                                 
She did things that always a annoyed him.                   
                                                            
 7663 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Anon                     



There once was a poet named Dude,                           
Whose wife was a bit of a prude.                            
But after a beer,                                           
She'd start feeling queer,                                  
And ask the whole room if they screwed.                     
                                                            
 7664 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



Dorothy was feeling quite queer                             
She drank a shitload of fine beer                           
She grabbed hold of Bart                                    
And let out a fart,                                         
And quite quickly he wasn't so near.                        
                                                            
 7665 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



There was an old woman of Gloucester,                       
Who drank so much, no one was souseder.                     
But some days she was sober                                 
When a neighbor came over                                   
With a bucket of water and doused her.                      
                                                            
 7666 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Warrick Elrod            



There's good old Matilda from Swanwick;                     
She's fond of the odd gin and tonic.                        
But don't overdose her                                      
Or when you get closer,                                     
You'll find she is quite catatonic.                         
                                                            
 7667 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Tiddy                    



Jill found a new handsome guy,                              
But they were both high as the sky.                         
So she took him home                                        
And played with his gnome;                                  
When morning came, things went awry.                        
                                                            
 7668 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Azul                     



You sexy!  Oh no!  I think not!                             
You're a fat insatiable twat                                
With your boobs mutilated                                   
And very deflated;                                          
I think I prefer to boycott.                                
                                                            
 7669 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Azul                     



This set her to loud howling cries.                         
"Oh tell me, where is the great guy                         
Who had a great bone;                                       
Wouldn't leave me alone,                                    
But left this old pig in my sty.                            
                                                            
 7670 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Azul                     



The girls are real pretty just 'fore                        
The barkeeps yell, "Closing the door!"                      
Drunk Bill takes one home                                   
To play with his gnome;                                     
"Next time I'll stay sober!"  Bill swore.                   
                                                            
 7671 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Travis Brasell           



Sweet Adi thought it no sin,                                
To down half a bottle of gin,                               
She has no regrets,                                         
But it has strange effects,                                 
As she wiped globs of come from her chin.                   
                                                            
 7672 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Lims For Year - 01       



Said Crystal, who hails from Poughkeepsie:                  
"I ball guys on top when I'm tipsy."                        
Then we peeked in the tent                                  
Where her binge time is spent,                              
And we found Crystal balls on a Gypsy!                      
                                                            
 7673 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



There was a young lady named Blanch,                        
Who was drinking too much on her ranch.                     
She staggered in tardy                                      
To the animal party,                                        
And said to the bull, "Please let's danch!"                 
                                                            
 7674 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Chairman Steve           



There was a cheap whore from Duluth,                        
Who was more that a little uncouth;                         
She would burp, belch, and fart,                            
That disgusting old tart,                                   
After downing a quart of Vermouth.                          
                                                            
 7675 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Mark Levy           P9710



There was a girl named Betty Lou,                           
Who knew how to make a strange brew.                        
One night she did guzzle                                    
Her brew through her muzzle,                                
And found herself in a stew.                                
                                                            
 7676 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll dance upon tables and trip upon trenchers,             
And lie with the lads--all the best of you wenchers:        
So spend all you shillings,                                 
Your pounds and your pence;                                 
'Twill all be worth nothing a hundred years hence!          
                                                            
 7677 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                              G0208



Come, spend all your substance on wenching and wine,        
The grave or the poorhouse we'll have all in time:          
Why struggle for honors?                                    
Why cudgel for pence?                                       
'Twill all be forgotten a hundred years hence!              
                                                            
 7678 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                              G0209



Said lady, "My husband's a bastard;                         
The art of insulting he's mastered.                         
The miserable louse                                         
Says I'm built like a house!"                               
Said a friend, "Maybe you should get plastered!"            
                                                            
 7679 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



Beware of a fate such as Queenie's,                         
Whose downfall was due to martinis.                         
Ten got her so drunk,                                       
She'd give sex to a skunk,                                  
And all the men pickled their weenies.                      
                                                            
 7680 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                              G0726



There was a young lady of Ulva,                             
Who drunkenly said, "What a hulva                           
Party ya missed,                                            
Why I got so pissed,                                        
I saw more little people than Gulva."                       
                                                            
 7681 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Bill Greenwell           



On the ship she drank gallons of booze;                     
O'er the rail, her lunch she did lose.                      
She embarrassed me                                          
That whole week at sea.                                     
That's the last time we let Vera Cruz.                      
                                                            
 7682 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



This set her to loud howling cries:                         
"Oh, tell me where is the great guy                         
Who had a great bone;                                       
Wouldn't leave me alone,                                    
But left this old pig in my sty."                           
                                                            
 7683 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



A bibulous woman of Argyll                                  
(Who, through drink had losht shome of her shpargyll)       
When a fellow who followed                                  
Her asked if she swallowed,                                 
Said "Wha'dya mean shwallow? I gargyll!"                    
                                                            
 7684 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



A well-partied co-ed named Dawn,                            
When asked what conclusion she'd drawn,                     
Said, "I was having a ball...                               
But I just can't recall,                                    
This tattoo... or where my pubic hair's gone!"              
                                                            
 7685 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN                                   



When she came home reeking of gin,                          
He queried her where she had been.                          
He posed, "I suppose                                        
You were out washing clothes,                               
And hanging three sheets to the wind?"                      
                                                            
 7686 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Jumpin Jack              



Jay arranged to lay Georgia that night                      
But it ended up in a fight,                                 
When he found Georgia stiff,                                
And said with a sniff,                                      
"I don't like my loose women so tight!"                     
                                                            
 7687 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Grand Prix Lim  192      



There was an old woman from Skye,                           
Whose boozing kept her very high.                           
She was safe when aground,                                  
But for trouble was bound                                   
When from a cliff she tried to fly.                         
                                                            
 7688 BOOZE - DRUNK - WOMEN          Warrick Elrod            



Until one is long in the tooth,                             
In an unending search for the truth,                        
To reduce the time                                          
To reach the sublime,                                       
One should mix gin with vermouth.                           
                                                            
 7689 BOOZE - GIN                    Bob D                    



Permit me to orate laconic,                                 
Whilst I savor my gin and my tonic.                         
Tequila's for boozers,                                      
Itinerant losers.                                           
Adult beverages: oxymoronic!                                
                                                            
 7690 BOOZE - GIN                    Irish                    



Here I lie, just me and my "comics";                        
Having one of many gin and tonics.                          
Alone once again,                                           
And randy as sin,                                           
Thank God for plastics and electronics!                     
                                                            
 7691 BOOZE - GIN                    Lims For Year - 01       



Gin's a potable I find quite scary;                         
It is made from the juniper berry.                          
It tastes like perfume,                                     
Gives you bad 'whirly-room'                                 
And next morning, your mouth feels all hairy.               
                                                            
 7692 BOOZE - GIN                    Robin K. Willoughby P8403



There was a man from Peking                                 
Who had very sensitive skin.                                
He tried every soap                                         
And had given up hope,                                      
And has taken to bathing in gin.                            
                                                            
 7693 BOOZE - GIN                    Funny Bone               



In the twenties a fellow named Sinbad                       
Discovered a way to get in bad                              
With his white-haired old mother                            
When he and his brother                                     
One day made a batch of their gin bad.                      
                                                            
 7694 BOOZE - GIN                    A. N. Wilkins       P8403



A vegetarian gal from Marin                                 
Survived on cheese, chocolate, and gin.                     
But pity her plight,                                        
It doesn't seem right                                       
That Beefeaters is classed as a sin.                        
                                                            
 7695 BOOZE - GIN                    Lynn Mostafa             



Lately I have been quite busy;                              
So busy, in fact I'm quite dizzy.                           
Too much crap on my mind;                                   
So much work and no time,                                   
And my cola, it ain't even fizzy.                           
                                                            
 7696 BOOZE - GIN                    Nawahl                   



I think, if your head's in a spin,                          
You are not drinking cola, but gin.                         
Plus juice from the sloes                                   
To make it turn rose,                                       
Which might make it look like its twin.                     
                                                            
 7697 BOOZE - GIN                    Tiddy                    



Most Americans under the skin                               
To the English or Irish are kin.                            
They should always be proud                                 
To be so well endowed                                       
With Irish Mist and English Gin.                            
                                                            
 7698 BOOZE - GIN                    Warrick Elrod            



There once was an old whore who'd coddle                    
An infant named Mort with a bottle.                         
The milk she put in it                                      
Was spiked with neat gin.  It                               
Made his epiglottal-spasmottal.                             
                                                            
 7699 BOOZE - GIN                                             



The burps that this toddler released                        
Made nice women doubly deceased.                            
The kid was arrested                                        
For killing the dead, dead                                  
(A crime hitherto un-policed).                              
                                                            
 7700 BOOZE - GIN                                             



The coddling whore said "Judge,                             
Take this foul-mouthed curmudge-                            
On the single condition                                     
He smell a rendition,                                       
Surpassing his bilious sludge."                             
                                                            
 7701 BOOZE - GIN                                             



The judge and his court grew quite pale                     
As the whore blew foul death from her tail.                 
Mort wickedly laughed                                       
At her derriere's draft,                                    
While the jury attempted to bail                            
                                                            
 7702 BOOZE - GIN                                             



When Mort got his own day in court,                         
The judge asked him for a retort.                           
The bold little twerp                                       
Let out such a burp,                                        
That everyone died with a snort.                            
                                                            
 7703 BOOZE - GIN                                             



To gentlemen, the moral is clear.                           
Human 'airs' should fill one with fear.                     
A gast-er-ic medley                                         
Can be something deadly,                                    
But stifling is deadly, my dear.                            
                                                            
 7704 BOOZE - GIN                                             



There once was a souser whose sin                           
Was the over-consumption of gin.                            
He said he would stop                                       
And switch to some pop;                                     
I'm afraid that his sin did him in.                         
                                                            
 7705 BOOZE - GIN                    Edwin J Weinstein        



A space-minded maiden named Janet                           
Carved a bathtub completely of granite.                     
She filled it with gin                                      
And disrobed and jumped in,                                 
And drank herself off of this planet.                       
                                                            
 7706 BOOZE - GIN                    Brandy Brandon      P9407



In Duluth, there's a hostess, forsooth,                     
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth.                         
But this lubricant lapse                                    
Isn't noticed, perhaps,                                     
Because nobody does, in Duluth.                             
                                                            
 7707 BOOZE - GIN                                             



Eli Whitney once said with chagrin,                         
To his wife, "Dear, your drinking's a sin,                  
And you're in, now, so deep,                                
That I'll thank you to keep                                 
Your cotton-pickin' hands off my gin."                      
                                                            
 7708 BOOZE - GIN                    Bob Giandomenico    P9405



The eye of a needle is thin                                 
And unable to hold that much gin.                           
But it should not be missed                                 
That amoebas get pissed                                     
And fall right off into the bin.                            
                                                            
 7709 BOOZE - GIN                    Anon                     



Now, I always love to drink gin,                            
And each and all of its kin.                                
Taking shot after shot,                                     
Makes me feel pretty hot;                                   
Just look at the size of my grin!                           
                                                            
 7710 BOOZE - GIN                    Anon                     



A cautious young fellow was Ginnit;                         
Any water he drank had gin in it.                           
It seem water alone                                         
He would never condone,                                     
After learning that fishes fuck in it.                      
                                                            
 7711 BOOZE - GIN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2970



Mrs Professer got a case of the jitters,                    
Whenever she had to make fritters.                          
But she'd pop the things in,                                
After quaffing some gin,                                    
Which she'd flavored with milk and some bitters.            
                                                            
 7712 BOOZE - GIN                                             



From a desperate need to be thin                            
A round man did a diet begin.                               
For some time though he did                                 
Ingest high-cal liquid,                                     
He succumbed, for the liquid was gin.                       
                                                            
 7713 BOOZE - GIN                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9504



I talk about sex all the time                               
That proves I don't do it, just mime.                       
It's not 'cause I old                                       
Or not very bold,                                           
I just prefer a large gin and lime.                         
                                                            
 7714 BOOZE - GIN                    Countrygirl              



There was a young lady called Brigid,                       
Whose sex life was apt to be frigid.                        
So they used to begin                                       
With a bottle of gin,                                       
Till the boyfriend (not Brigid) was rigid.                  
                                                            
 7715 BOOZE - GIN                                             



When Henry was only a youth,                                
He was hungry for knowledge and truth.                      
But adulthood's intrusion meant                             
Strong disillusionment.                                     
Now he's thirsty for gin and vermouth.                      
                                                            
 7716 BOOZE - GIN                    Laurence Perrine    P8503



There once was a bimbo named Ruth,                          
Who guzzled a quart of vermouth.                            
And then, with a grin,                                      
She gulped down some gin.                                   
Her actions, I thought, were uncouth.                       
                                                            
 7717 BOOZE - GIN                    Al Willis          TP9806



A cannibal crude and uncouth                                
Met a woman of beauty called Ruth.                          
But she gave him the slip                                   
As he started to dip                                        
Her body in gin and vermouth.                               
                                                            
 7718 BOOZE - GIN                    VOL 7                    



Oh, Beer, much better than gin;                             
For a few drops I'd kill and I'd sin.                       
And for a whole glass                                       
I'd light his ass,                                          
And blow up the world with a grin.                          
                                                            
 7719 BOOZE - GIN                                             



In considering things gastronomic,                          
Cakes and ale are not economic.                             
Though maybe we oughter                                     
Stick to plain bread and water;                             
It's gin makes a tonic a tonic.                             
                                                            
 7720 BOOZE - GIN                    E O Parrot               



There once was a fellow named Sweeny,                       
Who spilled gin all over his weenie.                        
Not being uncouth,                                          
He added vermouth,                                          
And slipped his girl a Martini.                             
                                                            
 7721 BOOZE - GIN                                             



A martini of vodka or gin                                   
Is a glass of tempting liquid sin.                          
To drink a martini                                          
Is to swallow a genie;                                      
A powerful spirit within.                                   
                                                            
 7722 BOOZE - GIN                    Phil T                   



Lihpt a thad little man from Duluth,                        
"I've got a thore tooth and itth loothe.                    
What I needth a Martini                                     
With Oh, jutht a teeny,                                     
Or even not any, vermouth."                                 
                                                            
 7723 BOOZE - GIN                    Conrad Aiken        P0900



I make all my martini with gin,                             
With a dollop of vino tossed in.                            
Just Beefeater, I say,                                      
Or perhaps, Tangueray.                                      
Using vodka's a cardinal sin.                               
                                                            
 7724 BOOZE - GIN                    Bill Nesbit         P0011



The exquisite bartender at Sweeny's                         
Is famed for his ale and free wienies;                      
But I thought him uncouth                                   
To gulp gin and vermouth,                                   
Chill the glasses, and piddle martinis.                     
                                                            
 7725 BOOZE - GIN                    Anon                G1514



From FDR to Richard Nixon,                                  
What is it that everyone's mixin'?                          
Politicians and writers,                                    
Movie stars and prizefighters,                              
Drink martinis when their nerves need fixin'.               
                                                            
 7726 BOOZE - GIN                    Phil T                   



If you think martinis are sin,                              
You should see how they're made by Old Min:                 
She will drip just a bit                                    
Of vermouth on her clit,                                    
And then fill her vagina with gin!                          
                                                            
 7727 BOOZE - GIN                    Norm Storer              



Absorbing much gin and vermouth                             
Can render good manners uncouth.                            
An adage, forsooth,                                         
For elders and youth --                                     
The truth at a barstool or booth.                           
                                                            
 7728 BOOZE - GIN                    R. J. Winkler       P8403



My friend, Henry Cottle's wife Peg,                         
Had terrible pains in her leg.                              
"Go out, get some gin,                                      
And rub it well in.                                         
'Twill cure it," said old Doctor Clegg.                     
                                                            
 7729 BOOZE - GIN                    Tiddy Ogg                



He went out and bought it, did Cottle,                      
And poured the whole lot down his throttle.                 
"It's surely a sin,                                         
A waste of good gin.                                        
I'll massage her leg with the bottle."                      
                                                            
 7730 BOOZE - GIN                    Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a girl who drank gin.                        
That isn't too bad to begin,                                
But reiteration                                             
Shows a high correlation                                    
With behavioral lapses called sin.                          
                                                            
 7731 BOOZE - GIN                    John Ciardi              



Don't put too much gin in your cup,                         
No matter if you're having sup.                             
You might drink too much;                                   
I know this as such;                                        
Your wife won't be getting you up.                          
                                                            
 7732 BOOZE - GIN                    Fredrico                 



A prudish old maid from Pauline,                            
Was really disgustingly clean.                              
She didn't like gin,                                        
Original sin,                                               
Or anything else in between.                                
                                                            
 7733 BOOZE - GIN                    Larry Davis         P8805



Now this is my quarrel with gin:                            
You drink it, you've taken it in.                           
But then you get dizzy                                      
And end in a tizzy,                                         
And find that it's taken you in!                            
                                                            
 7734 BOOZE - GIN                    Laurence Perrine    P8403



You should always drink up your gin                         
And get every drop past your chin.                          
It's a wonderful source                                     
Of nutrients, of course,                                    
Like minerals and vitamins.                                 
                                                            
 7735 BOOZE - GIN                    Anon                     



A modern young lady named Flynn,                            
Would remark after more than one gin,                       
"I intend to be bold                                        
In a manner untold,                                         
For there's need of original sin."                          
                                                            
 7736 BOOZE - GIN                                             



A bedroomy doll was Fay Finnegan...                         
To her bedpal she cried, "Now you're innegan,               
I don't feel so hot...                                      
Maybe I need a shot,                                        
So please pass the decanter of ginnegan."                   
                                                            
 7737 BOOZE - GIN                    Grand Prix Lim  230      



There was a young lady called Lynn,                         
Who put all the blokes in a spin.                           
As a matter of fact,                                        
She had a nice act;                                         
She plied all her suitors with gin.                         
                                                            
 7738 BOOZE - GIN                    Arthur Pattaffy          



A young man well-potted on gin,                             
Wanted a new way to sin;                                    
So this bare-bottomed bounder                               
Sat down on a flounder,                                     
And all he got in the end was a fin.                        
                                                            
 7739 BOOZE - GIN                    Fred Cohen          P8511



There was a distiller of gin                                
Whose light bills were doing him in.                        
So he used higher math                                      
Of the stuff in his bath;                                   
Now his gin is so cheap it's a sin!                         
                                                            
 7740 BOOZE - GIN                    Literary Group           



In the remake of "Gone With The Wind"                       
On a cotton bale Miss Scarlett sinned --                    
Not with Rhett Butler                                       
But a suave Yankee sutler,                                  
With both cotton and Scarlett well ginned.                  
                                                            
 7741 BOOZE - GIN                    Arthur Deex         P9011



A happy young colleen from Derry,                           
On ale was loving and merry.                                
She dallied with sin,                                       
On vodka and gin,                                           
But was rigid and frigid on sherry.                         
                                                            
 7742 BOOZE - GIN                                             



There was a young lady named Flynn,                         
Who thought fornication a sin.                              
But when she was tight,                                     
It seemed quite all right,                                  
So everyone filled her with gin.                            
                                                            
 7743 BOOZE - GIN                    Rosemary Johnson    L0034



There was an old lecherous Earl,                            
Who took in a poor homeless girl,                           
And induced her to sin                                      
With promises, gin,                                         
And such cant as "Let's give it a whirl!"                   
                                                            
 7744 BOOZE - GIN                    John Ciardi              



There was an old whore named McGuinn                        
Who often drank far too much gin.                           
This explains her soiled dresses,                           
Her disheveled tresses,                                     
And the semen dripping from her chin.                       
                                                            
 7745 BOOZE - GIN                    Sam Pittman         T9712



Beware of a fate such as Queenie's,                         
Whose downfall was due to martinis.                         
Ten had such effects,                                       
She agreed to free sex                                      
And seven men pickled their weenies.                        
                                                            
 7746 BOOZE - GIN                    Grand Prix Lim  401      



"Let's do some quilting", she said,                         
As she patted her old mother's head.                        
Ma replied with a grin,                                     
"I'd rather drink gin."                                     
So she put the old lady to bed.                             
                                                            
 7747 BOOZE - GIN                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old lecher from Lynn                           
Whose dabbling in biblical sin                              
Left a permanent kink                                       
At the base of his dink,                                    
And humongous needs for sloe gin.                           
                                                            
 7748 BOOZE - GIN                    Armand E Singer        98



A jolly old man from East Lynn                              
Said to himself with a grin,                                
"The Fountain of Youth                                      
Is one part Vermouth,                                       
And thirty-eight parts of Dry Gin."                         
                                                            
 7749 BOOZE - GIN                    Birthday Book Lims  P9803



Sir Timothy Tutbury Tipps                                   
Had developed a bad case of yips                            
At his club. Members say,                                   
It's because every day,                                     
Of gin he takes too many nips.                              
                                                            
 7750 BOOZE - GIN                    Warrick Elrod            



A martini-mixer named Flynn                                 
Stands accused of a terrible sin:                           
His use of vermouth                                         
Is awfully uncouth--                                        
And sometimes he leaves out the gin!                        
                                                            
 7751 BOOZE - GIN                    Norm Storer              



One Kermit McDermit, a hermit,                              
With an unlicensed still -- I confirm it --                 
Made such excellent gin                                     
That none turned him in                                     
For running that still without permit.                      
                                                            
 7752 BOOZE - GIN                    Laurence Perrine    P8712



A pious old woman named Jane,                               
Who rocked in a chair by her cane,                          
Poured down gallons of gin,                                 
But declared it no sin;                                     
It was God's way, she said, to kill pain.                   
                                                            
 7753 BOOZE - GIN                    Warrick Elrod            



My "old fruit" is a lemon twist,                            
Scent released by a turn of the wrist.                      
My NEPENTHE is gin;                                         
It cleanses of sin.                                         
Then vermouth is sprayed in as a mist.                      
                                                            
 7754 BOOZE - GIN                    Norm Brust               



There was an old man from Duluth                            
Who sought after wisdom and truth.                          
He searched near and far,                                   
Until at a bar,                                             
He found it in gin and vermouth.                            
                                                            
 7755 BOOZE - GIN                    Alan Cook                



There is a Grand Dame in Duluth                             
Who mixes her Gin with Vermouth.                            
She says its no sin                                         
To tipple with gin;                                         
It's adding that wine that's uncouth.                       
                                                            
 7756 BOOZE - GIN                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old woman named Josie                          
Whose cheeks were just like a red posy.                     
At a pub that was near                                      
She quaffed both gin and beer,                              
And that's how she kept rosy and cozy.                      
                                                            
 7757 BOOZE - GIN                    Warrick Elrod            



A pliant young lady from Lynn                               
Had been plied with a good fifth of gin,                    
She said to her john,                                       
"Who'll be first to cimb on?                                
Is it gonna be you, or your twin?"                          
                                                            
 7758 BOOZE - GIN                    Robin K. Willoughby P8507



Whenever I furrow my brow,                                  
To remember just where, who and how,                        
Before, I was sure                                          
Now I'm not any more;                                       
Indecisive is what I am now.                                
                                                            
 7759 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Richard Jean             



Can't seem to settle my mind.                               
The thoughts that I'm trying to find                        
Are slip-sliding away.                                      
I keep looking all day,                                     
But tonight I have to unwind.                               
                                                            
 7760 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Squat                    



The bourbon is now on the pour.                             
I'll stumble on out of the door.                            
Shuffle on down the street,                                 
And find something to eat,                                  
And return home about four.                                 
                                                            
 7761 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Squat                    



I'm Irish, can not you tell?                                
From this barstool I just fell.                             
Having a good time,                                         
Boosted up on cheap wine.                                   
In the morning I will feel like hell.                       
                                                            
 7762 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Squat                    



In my head I have a pain,                                   
From drinking too much booze again.                         
As for last night,                                          
Did I score, did I fight?                                   
Memories get lost in my brain.                              
                                                            
 7763 BOOZE - HANGOVERS                                       



Man, you should have seen him, a fright!                    
He was a terrible sight!                                    
Eyes were all red,                                          
Had a boob on his head,                                     
And he danced with Jim Beam all night!                      
                                                            
 7764 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Les Stewart         T9712



If you feel that you're fight on your beam-ends,            
And your gait is more rolling that seamen's,                
And if camels in helmets                                    
March over the pelmets,                                     
You've a touch of delerium tremens.                         
(pelmets - short valences on curtains)                      
 7765 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Leslie Johnson           



Los Libres de Cuba son bueno,                               
But when after ten glasses I drain-o,                       
Little willy won't rise                                     
To magnificant size,                                        
And come morning, my head is in pain-o.                     
                                                            
 7766 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Hugh Clary               



Girls night out is the time of the year                     
When something like heaven is near!                         
But I never drink more                                      
Of Guinness than four;                                      
It's the hangover that I do fear.                           
                                                            
 7767 BOOZE - HANGOVERS                                       



I spent the night face down in clover                       
And now I am so damn hung over,                             
When I move my head                                         
I pray to be dead.                                          
I need me some hair of the Rover.                           
                                                            
 7768 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              H Welchel                



I felt fine as I went to my bed,                            
With party scenes fresh in my head.                         
But during the night,                                       
My brain swelled too tight.                                 
Right now I just wish I was dead.                           
                                                            
 7769 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Frank Fazed         T9712



Brown liquid I poured in my head,                           
Hoping to rise from the dead.                               
It raced through my gut                                     
And spizzed from my butt.                                   
Soon I had got out the lead.                                
                                                            
 7770 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              H Whelchel               



I poured me a second cup, too.                              
(Maybe some more would pass through.)                       
A ten-minute fart                                           
And boy, did it smart;                                      
Made music like motorboats do.                              
                                                            
 7771 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              H Whelchel               



To rid your bod of that stuffin',                           
With all the huggin' and puffin',                           
This old recipe                                             
Will work, believe me --                                    
Two cups of joe, one bran muffin.                           
                                                            
 7772 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Frank Fazed              



I'll never get drunk again,                                 
For my head's full of pain,                                 
And it grieves me to think                                  
That because of strong drink                                
I should lie with my Phillis in vain.                       
(Star of Coventry Inn, on a window, 1712)                   
 7773 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



When I woke up, my skin was SALLOW;                         
Face puffy as a marshmallow.                                
Was it last night's date                                    
Or something I ate.                                         
Or maybe that jug of Gallo                                  
                                                            
 7774 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Norm                     



After partaking deep of the Flagon,                         
I decided to go on the wagon.                               
When I peeked down the stool,                               
Which I don't as a rule,                                    
Staring back was a Komodo Dragon.                           
                                                            
 7775 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



Your hangover cure is here, buddy,                          
It's Mary, a young girl, quite ruddy;                       
I screwed her last night,                                   
Her first time -- so tight!                                 
This morning dear Mary is bloody!                           
                                                            
 7776 BOOZE - HANGOVERS                                       



I haven't a clue where I've been.                           
There were recriminations and spleen.                       
I feel kind of crabby,                                      
'Twas maybe the Abbey,                                      
(I think I created a scene.)                                
                                                            
 7777 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Sydney Bernard Smith     



Three gins, and two bourbons, one beer                      
Champagne, some red wine with no peer,                      
Retsina and rum                                             
With Pernod, by gum;                                        
My head in the morning, I fear!                             
                                                            
 7778 BOOZE - HANGOVERS                                       



My poor aching head just fell off;                          
Too much Jack Daniels did I scoff.                          
I tried an old cure;                                        
It caused a big spewer,                                     
And never again will I quaff.                               
                                                            
 7779 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Archie                   



The products of John Barleycorn                             
Have often, sobriety torn.                                  
But what's fun at night,                                    
Quite often just might                                      
Be regretted the following morn.                            
                                                            
 7780 BOOZE - HANGOVERS                                       



Though drinking may drive away sorrow,                      
Ephemeral happiness borrow,                                 
Remember to think:                                          
The more that you drink,                                    
The sadder the sorrow tomorrow!                             
                                                            
 7781 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              R. J. Winkler       P8403



There was an old woman named Susie,                         
Whose drinking had kept her quite boozy.                    
She'd break laws with each snort,                           
But when hailed into court,                                 
Asked mercy because she was woozy.                          
                                                            
 7782 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Warrick Elrod            



Boxing day I stayed in bed till noon,                       
But even that was waking too soon.                          
I've a pain in my head,                                     
And my eyes they are red;                                   
I think I'll be sober in June.                              
                                                            
 7783 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Mmm-Mmm-Mmmumble. Oh mumble. Oh moan.                       
Is it morning? Oh, leave me alone,                          
Mmm-Mmm-Mmmumble. No more.                                  
I'm most terribly sore.                                     
Mmm-Mmm-Mmmumble. Oh bother. Oh groan.                      
                                                            
 7784 BOOZE - HANGOVERS                                       



I've made you a special elixir;                             
It should be a hang over fixer.                             
Some hair of the dog,                                       
The leg of a frog,                                          
With some eye of a newt for a mixer!                        
                                                            
 7785 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Marlene Lewis            



There are dangers in drinking the brew,                     
My friends, now let me tell you...                          
Last night I came in                                        
At 2 with a 10,                                             
And woke up at 10 with a 2.                                 
                                                            
 7786 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Mike M              T9801



My chest seems loaded with GUNK;                            
Altogether I'm feeling punk.                                
So one more I aver,                                         
Tongue covered in fur,                                      
"That's the last time I ever get drunk!"                    
                                                            
 7787 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              Norm                     



Said Jack, as he crawled into bed,                          
"It isn't the headache I dread,                             
The tongue that is furry,                                   
My better half's fury;                                      
It's the things that they'll say that I said."              
                                                            
 7788 BOOZE - HANGOVERS              John Miller 0291         



A Cajun bootlegger named Nate                               
Was nagged by his wife, Mama Kate.                          
"It don't seem be right,                                    
Dat you gone all de night."                                 
He replied, "But I muss do dis 'til late."                  
                                                            
 7789 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Guy Ben-Moshe            



His quaff is with opiate nil;                               
He makes it himself, if you will.                           
Old fruit, when he's got 'em,                               
Go into tub bottom,                                         
With vapors caught in copper still.                         
                                                            
 7790 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Chris Papa               



Ah yes, folks, once again 'tis the season                   
To abandon all thought and all reason.                      
But though this is our fate                                 
We will soon compensate.                                    
What better excuse for corn-squeezin'?                      
(Xmas excuse)                                               
 7791 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Neal Wilgus         P8612



Though some folks might easily frown                        
'Bout life in a small Southern town,                        
Which hadn't an erg                                         
Of work in the berg,                                        
Their moonshine was of great renown.                        
                                                            
 7792 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Chris Papa               



"My sweetheart was only," said Bill,                        
"A moonshiner's daughter named Jill.                        
She was not very tall,                                      
But in spite of it all,                                     
"I was," he said, "fond of her still."                      
                                                            
 7793 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              A. N. Wilkins       P8403



Of home brews there's not any finer                         
Than that made by our happy headliner,                      
Who walks through the town                                  
With nary a frown,                                          
Acclaimed the "Village Moonshiner."                         
                                                            
 7794 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Chris Papa               



There was an old fellow named Bill,                         
Who kept putting his hands in the till.                     
He got pretty frisky                                        
While pouring his whisky,                                   
So now he owns his own still.                               
                                                            
 7795 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Popsicle           TP9807



A Kentucky-bound author named Bourne,                       
Whose style often savored of scorn,                         
Soon inscribed in his journals,                             
"Here the corn's full of kernels,                           
And the Colonels are all full of corn.                      
                                                            
 7796 BOOZE - MOONSHINE                                       



On a boot-fucking-leg of Mt Vining,                         
I flash my bare ass while opining:                          
Old Sherrif Erasmus                                         
Can kiss my chiasmus,                                       
And shining moon when I'm moonshining.                      
                                                            
 7797 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Travis Brasell           



Oh I love to stop off in Millstreet                         
And sample the poteen so neat.                              
For despite the poor guards,                                
It's made in backyards,                                     
While they walk in the cold on the beat.                    
                                                            
 7798 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Linda Marsh Coll         



A lush out of Moncton called Bill                           
Made moonshine on Magnetic Hill.                            
It "attracted" the Mounties                                 
From over three counties;                                   
They just would not stand for a still.                      
                                                            
 7799 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Gordon McCully,Moncton34a



In 'Bama, the sunsets are fine;                             
They bring us real darkness by nine.                        
It happens each day;                                        
We like it that way,                                        
'Cause nightly we run our moonshine.                        
                                                            
 7800 BOOZE - MOONSHINE              Travis Brasell           



When Nelson's fate was ill-starred, he                      
Never said, "Kiss me, Hardy."                               
What he actually said                                       
Just before he was dead                                     
Was, "No, I said a Bacardi."                                
                                                            
 7801 BOOZE - RUM                    Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There was an old sailor named Gum                           
Who kept his old Cap in a drum --                           
It cured him real good,                                     
Except for his wood,                                        
Which periscoped out of the rum.                            
                                                            
 7802 BOOZE - RUM                                             



But Gum had respect for the dead,                           
And nightly, when all were in bed,                          
He'd snort him some snot                                    
And rinse off the rot,                                      
By giving old Cappy some head.                              
                                                            
 7803 BOOZE - RUM                                             



A musical Pittsburg Panjandrum                              
Imported a "grosse caisso," or grand drum.                  
But sad to relate,                                          
It was seized by the State,                                 
Being full of the best contraband rum.                      
                                                            
 7804 BOOZE - RUM                                        P8302



There is a small island whose folk,                         
Weighed down by the communist yoke,                         
All wait and all pray,                                      
And all hope for the day                                    
When a '...libre" ain't just rum and coke.                  
                                                            
 7805 BOOZE - RUM                    Jim Ryan                 



At the Camp Meeting to which I'd come,                      
Pastor Bloats preached while beating a drum.                
Yelling, "Satan's set free                                  
Your large offering to me!"                                 
I said, "Wrong! My dough's for Demon Rum."                  
                                                            
 7806 BOOZE - RUM                    Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



There are times when I like to drink rum.                   
It tastes good.  What the hell, let's drink some.           
Pour cup after cup                                          
Till we drink it all up,                                    
And fall to the floor on our bum.                           
                                                            
 7807 BOOZE - RUM                    Neal Wilgus         P8403



By the banks of the Passamaquody,                           
The girls all wear gowns that are gaudy;                    
And like some of their sex,                                 
Wear them up round their necks,                             
For a kiss and a slug of rum toddy.                         
                                                            
 7808 BOOZE - RUM                    John E Mayhood           



On retiring, old Father Niven,                              
Whom his flock, to the bottle had driven,                   
Got a barrel of rum,                                        
So he thanked for the drum,                                 
And the spirit in which it was given!                       
                                                            
 7809 BOOZE - RUM                    Carl Ludvig Kjelsen      



A lovemaking couple was streamin'                           
After passing of millions of semen.                         
The girl was surprised,                                     
As the boy had seemed iced,                                 
But in bed he was rum and a demon.                          
                                                            
 7810 BOOZE - RUM                    Bill Backe-Hansen   P8403



Though it's true that from chateau to slum                  
There is love for that sweet demon rum,                     
I'll swear, than molasses,                                  
My fair lady's ass is                                       
Much sweeter -- for barin' or bum!                          
                                                            
 7811 BOOZE - RUM                    Lance Payne         P8403



My fingers are terribly numb!                               
Come to think of it, so is my bum.                          
I've typed all the lines;                                   
Funny rhythms. Near rhymes.                                 
I could go a nice hot-buttered rum!                         
                                                            
 7812 BOOZE - RUM                    Andrew Purdom            



Los libres de Cuba son bueno,                               
But when after ten glasses I draino,                        
Little willy won't rise                                     
To magnificent size,                                        
And come morning my head is in pain-o.                      
                                                            
 7813 BOOZE - RUM                                             



The wonderful baked goods of Rita's.                        
Her cakes, and her pies, and her pitas.                     
But alas, what a dreg,                                      
She can't boil an egg,                                      
So her family all have Margarita's.                         
                                                            
 7814 BOOZE - RUM                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man who drank rum.                        
In time he became a rank bum,                               
And his morals regressed.                                   
I have tried the same test,                                 
And I have to confess mine shrank some.                     
                                                            
 7815 BOOZE - RUM                    John Ciardi              



There's a District due North of Junmear                     
Which I wishes I never had come near,                       
For I find to my grief                                      
That the beggarly thief                                     
In charge don't keep whiskey nor rum near.                  
                                                            
 7816 BOOZE - RUM                    Rudyard Kipling1888 P8903



There was a young bounder named Link,                       
Who possessed a very tart dink.                             
To sweeten it some                                          
He steeped it in rum,                                       
And he's driven the ladies to drink.                        
                                                            
 7817 BOOZE - RUM                                        L0408



A reluctant steam engine called Bill,                       
Puff Puffed! but stood stubbornly still,                    
Till an intelligent bloke                                   
Put some rum in his coke,                                   
Then he happily chugged up the hill.                        
                                                            
 7818 BOOZE - RUM                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girlfriend named Vickie,                   
Who got high by sucking his dickie.                         
She thought his precum                                      
Tastes like cola and rum,                                   
And his jism like lemon/lime rickey.                        
                                                            
 7819 BOOZE - RUM                    Martin                   



Don't censure the drunken old bum,                          
That makes noises like beating a drum.                      
You'd sound funny, too,                                     
If you'd had that much brew,                                
And an enema given with rum!                                
                                                            
 7820 BOOZE - RUM                    Anon                     



"Rum-tiddy rum-tiddley dum"                                 
Thus  rumbles the sound of the drum;                        
But not to the drunkard                                     
Bent over his tankard,                                      
To him it says nothing but "Rum!"                           
                                                            
 7821 BOOZE - RUM                    Laurence Perrine    P8403



Thinking his last day had come,                             
A bar-steward drank all the rum,                            
Then fell into the sea,                                     
And eventually                                              
Was picked up uninjured -- but numb.                        
                                                            
 7822 BOOZE - RUM                    Don Paul                 



At the ritz a young lady drank lunch,                       
With a roue who ordered rum punch.                          
As they clinked cup to cup,                                 
He said, "Bottoms up!"                                      
Which I'd say was a rather shrewd hunch.                    
                                                            
 7823 BOOZE - RUM                    John Ciardi              



A waggish young lady named Wright,                          
Spoons rum to her cat every night;                          
And at home, rumors state,                                  
She's a great one to date,                                  
With her pussy entrancingly tight!                          
                                                            
 7824 BOOZE - RUM                                             



When people die and we joke,                                
It is quite an unfair poke;                                 
But what the hell,                                          
We bid them fairwell                                        
And toast them with rum and with coke.                      
                                                            
 7825 BOOZE - RUM                    Chris Tustin             



Don't ever drink Mexican Rum                                
Which makes morals and nerve-endings numb.                  
You'll awake the nest morn                                  
With your pantyhose torn,                                   
And your tonsils all gummy from come.                       
                                                            
 7826 BOOZE - RUM                    Robin K. Willoughby P8403



Quite early this morning (at three),                        
Some horrible noise 'wakened me.                            
The house -- it got shook;                                  
I was scared to look.                                       
I went down to the basement to see.                         
                                                            
 7827 BOOZE - RUM                    Jim Weaver Collection    



My old water heater exploded;                               
I think that some parts had eroded.                         
The water ran out                                           
I could only pout,                                          
Pull out the dark rum and get loaded!                       
                                                            
 7828 BOOZE - RUM                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Ho, ho!  And a barrel of rum.                               
Six drinks and I no longer come.                            
So to earn the respect                                      
Of you girls, I expect                                      
To buy you three drinks to my one.                          
                                                            
 7829 BOOZE - RUM                    John Miller              



A comely young lady named Mott                              
A drink from the bartender sought.                          
And she said to him, "Bruce,                                
Can you give me some juice?"                                
So he asked her to spread out her twat.                     
                                                            
 7830 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2202



A businesslike lady once baited                             
The door of her flat with X-rated                           
Interior views,                                             
And, in neon, 'FREE BOOZE'.                                 
Then stretched out on a bearskin and waited.                
                                                            
 7831 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             John Ciardi              



Was a time when I'd giggle and snicker                      
At "Candy's dandy, liquor's quicker,"                       
But I've learned it's true                                  
And this is true too --                                     
Try both if you're planning to dick her.                    
                                                            
 7832 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Ann Gasser          P9003



A simple young lady of Ypsi                                 
Was fucked every time she got tipsy,                        
By the Chief of Police,                                     
And the Justice of Peace.                                   
And a preacher disguised as a gypsy.                        
(Ypsi = Ypsilanti, Michigan)                                
 7833 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin 3024  G1177



A girl with a passion for porter                            
Was busted while crossing the border.                       
Her suitcase was filled                                     
With fine spirits, distilled,                               
And she'd share if they didn't report her.                  
                                                            
 7834 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             ROE                      



"Oh, you will share!" the agent insisted,                   
"But not of this booze that you've listed..."               
And extracted a duty                                        
That sure was a beauty;                                     
Do you think she should have resisted?                      
                                                            
 7835 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             John Miller              



"Of course not!" she said, "What a thrill!                  
And my spirits I won't have to spill!"                      
So she gave of her treasure                                 
In generous measure,                                        
Till the agents had all had their fill.                     
                                                            
 7836 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             ROE                      



In days all the agents were bitchin';                       
It felt like their crotches were twitchin'.                 
When pissing, they groaned,                                 
And all the time moaned...                                  
Their dicks were on fire and itchin'.                       
                                                            
 7837 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Frank Specter            



Themselve they have only to blame;                          
For itching sensations, a shame.                            
Since no condoms were used,                                 
They're singing the blues.                                  
Penicillin's the cure, that's its name.                     
                                                            
 7838 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Arden                    



A frigid young lady named Fox                               
Resisted young men of all walks.                            
But what thawed out her body                                
Was a double hot toddy,                                     
Which was followed by two on the rocks.                     
                                                            
 7839 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1339



"Drink to me only with thine eyes";                         
This statement sounded quite wise.                          
No more bills so dear                                       
For bacardi and beer;                                       
A good way to economize.                                    
                                                            
 7840 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



He smiled at her curved little pinky,                       
Then said, "Here's another small drinky."                   
But he was a gent,                                          
The guy really meant:                                       
"When you're drunk, we'll do something kinky."              
                                                            
 7841 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Tom Patton          P9505



A raunchy old rancher named Barber,                         
Checking out some gal near the harbor,                      
Could not help but think:                                   
"I will ply her with drink,                                 
And lie down with her, down by the arbor!"                  
                                                            
 7842 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Dick Hull                



At confession a man from the East                           
His perversions disclosed to the priest.                    
After two drinks, he said,                                  
He'd take girls to his bed --                               
After four, 'twas a four-legged beast.                      
                                                            
 7843 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin chaplin   3024-1131



There was a young lady named Kate                           
Who asked for a drink from her date:                        
"Just two fingers for me."                                  
But he gave her full three --                               
She was fucked by the Finger Of Fate!                       
                                                            
 7844 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin 3024  G0101



But observe this young girl in a pickle,                    
The finger of Fate must be fickle;                          
His love, the man swore,                                    
In great torrents would pour,                               
But the best he could do was a trickle.                     
                                                            
 7845 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin 0324  G0102



A wise man should be scorning,                              
But should take heed of this warning:                       
At night that sweet doxy                                    
Might look pretty foxy,                                     
But she'll look like a dog in the morning.                  
                                                            
 7846 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Kaylin Brandon           



In the sticks lives a lady named Bright                     
With a face that's a horrible fright,                       
But no fellow minds that --                                 
She feeds gin to her cat --                                 
And it's fun when her pussy is tight.                       
                                                            
 7847 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Al Chaplin 3024     P8812



Look, that guy is winking at me.                            
The really cute one, do you see?                            
Says Charlie's his name,                                    
Then asks if I'm game                                       
To share his Long Island Ice Tea.                           
                                                            
 7848 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



I guess he was getting me drunk;                            
That Charlie is really no monk.                             
Wife won't understand                                       
One more one-night stand,                                   
So, let's make it long term, you hunk!                      
                                                            
 7849 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



The mother advised her young daughter                       
To shun the conniving young plotter                         
Who was after free tail.                                    
So she fucked with a male                                   
If he offered some gin, scotch or water.                    
                                                            
 7850 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0105



Since I did not eat too much,                               
How about we get into some dutch.                           
Instead of a snooze,                                        
We'll drink up the booze                                    
Then shall we go for the clutch?                            
                                                            
 7851 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Frank                    



A beer would be fine, how 'bout wine?                       
Doesn't matter for intentions sublime.                      
An old country boy wrote,                                   
(And I paraphrase the quote)                                
If you got cash, I got time.                                
                                                            
 7852 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



I've purchased a jolly new policy                           
To ensure that no lovely young doll I see                   
Can claim breach of promise                                 
In case her pajamas                                         
Come off during joint alcoholicy.                           
                                                            
 7853 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Norm Storer         P9412



A young lady of Passamaquoddy                               
Was addicted to hot whiskey toddy,                          
Which rendered her prone;                                   
So she came to be known                                     
As the earthy, but heavenly, body.                          
                                                            
 7854 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Keith MacMillan       32d



I told her and told her and told her,                       
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.                     
After drinking too much                                     
You silly old lush,                                         
That gorilla, you just want to hold her.                    
                                                            
 7855 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Arden                    



On her high horse, a lady named Hopper,                     
Declared she would let no man topper.                       
Till Freddy the Fink,                                       
Having plied her with drink,                                
Slipped her cinch -- and did she come a cropper!            
                                                            
 7856 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             John Ciardi              



Let's go pub-crawling, my dear, tonight;                    
There's a place I know way out of sight;                    
If we start to feel lust,                                   
We'll go do what we must;                                   
So, if you're in the mood, well alright!                    
                                                            
 7857 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



A pub crawl? Well WHOOPEDY DOOP!!!                          
And then dinner with steak and some soup.                   
I'm right in the mood                                       
For some beer and some food,                                
But be careful, or you'll start to droop!                   
                                                            
 7858 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



A steak dinner, with beer, that's for sure!                 
If you like, we will have soup de jour;                     
While we let it digest,                                     
I do shyly suggest,                                         
One or two low-life bars we could tour!                     
                                                            
 7859 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



Here's a joint with male strippers on stage;                
Among women, I hear, it's the rage;                         
All those guys with slim thongs,                            
Barely hiding their dongs,                                  
Make a horny doll act half her age!                         
                                                            
 7860 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



Even older babes act like they're yokels,                   
When they screech and get steamed-up bifocals;              
But of course you're demure,                                
With no notions impure;                                     
This vile bar is for tourists, not locals!                  
                                                            
 7861 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



Please don't fret 'bout my hand on your knee;               
It's to keep you warm, not to make free;                    
Do those dancers disgust                                    
You or fill you with lust;                                  
Later on in this evening, we'll see!                        
                                                            
 7862 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



I'm amazed, how these girls all carouse;                    
Why, there's not a dry seat in the house!                   
If those dudes make you shreik,                             
I can give what you seek;                                   
I'll be Mickey, and you Minnie Mouse!                       
                                                            
 7863 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



It helps to apply some libations                            
To disperse all those darned hesitations.                   
Yet we'll keep our legs crossed                             
And our teeth all well-flossed,                             
Lest we give in to crude cogitations.                       
                                                            
 7864 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Priestess           T9801



I tried to romance young Kaylin,                            
Disguising my need for some sin.                            
Now she's gone and hid,                                     
Rejecting my bid,                                           
And I'm left with a bar full of gin!                        
                                                            
 7865 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



So I'll go no more a-romancing;                             
I won't even take them out dancing.                         
To ease off my lust,                                        
I'll do what I must,                                        
'Cause even Ms Palmer's entrancing.                         
                                                            
 7866 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



A despoiling young lad of Poughkeepsie                      
Would encourage a girl to get tipsy,                        
Whereupon he'd display,                                     
I am sorry to say,                                          
All the moral restraint of a gypsy.                         
                                                            
 7867 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Keith MacMillan     A087C



There was an unscrupulous Tar                               
Who met a sweet thing in a bar.                             
To get to her quicker,                                      
He plied her with liquor.                                   
And now, she's an unwedded Ma.                              
                                                            
 7868 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Versifier           P9601



When out on the town late at night,                         
In nightclub or disco's dim light,                          
My dad told to me,                                          
For a girl to make free,                                    
The loose women must be got tight.                          
                                                            
 7869 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



Said a worldly-wise nippy-hipped minx,                      
"No matter what any guy thinks,                             
I STILL play hard to get...                                 
I'll be bed-bounced, you bet,                               
But first I get lots of free drinks."                       
                                                            
 7870 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Grand Prix Lim  773      



With Karen I've had my first date;                          
To impress I did not hesitate.                              
I said "Come see my castle."                                
She replied "Okay asshole,                                  
How long does it take to inflate."                          
                                                            
 7871 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Tiddy Ogg                



Your inflation was slow but sure;                           
Duct tape fixed your pride's puncture.                      
All was just fine                                           
Till that eighth glass of wine,                             
Then the rest has become a soft blur.                       
                                                            
 7872 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Karen                    



All women will quickly discard                              
Any point that's not driven in hard.                        
Make your drink big and stiff,                              
As you're taking that whiff;                                
Holding tight to your soft little shard.                    
                                                            
 7873 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



A maidenhead popper named Drew,                             
Whose morals are terribly few,                              
Said, "At first some will balk,                             
But booze and sweet talk                                    
Make them do what they say they won't do."                  
                                                            
 7874 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Grand Prix Lim   99      



There is a young girl from Poughkeepsie,                    
Known through the town as a gypsy.                          
If she has not a drink,                                     
She gives ne'er a wink,                                     
But, man, she puts out when she's tipsy!                    
                                                            
 7875 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Anon                     



I spotted a sweet senorita,                                 
And plied her with neat margarita.                          
A quart was enough                                          
To finger her muff,                                         
But a gallon before I could eat her.                        
                                                            
 7876 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Anon                     



An effeminate Fellow of Lincoln,                            
One night did some serious drinkin'.                        
Met a girl, now his wife,                                   
Learned the true facts of life,                             
And blesses the day he got stinkin'.                        
                                                            
 7877 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                 G2403



Observed an old playboy named Bricker,                      
"Some bard claims it best to use liquor,                    
But when I feel randy,                                      
No booze, much less candy;                                  
It's cash, for which nothing is quicker."                   
                                                            
 7878 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Armand E Singer        38



A most wretched lecher named Brewer                         
Would get his girl soused and the screw her.                
Laughing, "Sure I done bad --                               
How else to be had?                                         
When sober, there's no one much purer."                     
                                                            
 7879 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Armand E Singer       361



On Saturday nights, young Rochelle                          
Goes out on the town raising Hell.                          
And late in the night,                                      
When she's very tight,                                      
She gives away what she could sell!                         
                                                            
 7880 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Archie                   



Then Mick the Mule happened along,                          
Renowned for the size of his dong.                          
Yes, it was a tight fit,                                    
But she took all of it.                                     
He bragged she was not tight for long.                      
                                                            
 7881 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Frank Sfa                



It strikes me as really quite queer,                        
Not as ugly as first did appear.                            
I'd now marry the lass                                      
With the fat lardy ass,                                     
After drinking two gallons of beer.                         
                                                            
 7882 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



Which is really quite nothing amiss.                        
And I'll tell you one thing and it's this,                  
And tell it with glee.                                      
Fuck CCTV.                                                  
I belch. The wall foams with my piss.                       
                                                            
 7883 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



But chicks avoid me in their flocks,                        
As I focus on three of my cocks,                            
Drip shaking release,                                       
Now covered in grease                                       
From my Kentucky Fried Chicken box.                         
                                                            
 7884 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS                                      



A swinger said, "I know the way                             
To get girls to roll in the hay.                            
I ply them with booze                                       
And after we schmooze,                                      
I rub them with Oil Of Olay.                                
                                                            
 7885 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Thomas M Patton     P9901



Have you heard the incredible news,                         
About Linda, who's off on a cruise?                         
She had sex on the coral,                                   
In ways must immoral,                                       
But I put the blame on the booze.                           
                                                            
 7886 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow named Mavern,                      
Longed to probe in a young lady's cavern.                   
By guile and strong drink                                   
He did just what you think,                                 
In the grass out behind the town tavern.                    
                                                            
 7887 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Grand Prix Lim  406 G0129



There was a young fellow named Priestly,                    
Whose behavior to women was beastly.                        
He'd promise them wine                                      
And a jolly good time --                                    
Then give them a weekend in Eastleigh.                      
                                                            
 7888 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Miichael Palin           



DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES                            
While I this verse now plagerize.                           
AND I WILL PLEDGE WITH MINE                                 
But I'll not bring the wine                                 
Unless she does not fraternize.                             
                                                            
 7889 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Irving Superior     P9710



With two bolts of the drink Taos Lightning,                 
Senoritas felt their labia tightening.                      
The effect on the men                                       
Was the opposite, so when                                   
They united, their passion was frightening.                 
                                                            
 7890 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Ray A. Billington   P9312



There was a young man from Poughkeepsie,                    
Inclined now and then to get tipsy.                         
When afflicted that way,                                    
It was said he would lay                                    
Anything from a sow to a Gypsy.                             
                                                            
 7891 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Jim Weaver Collection    



My standard is frankness and verve;                         
Don't care if your ass has a curve.                         
Just tell me you crave                                      
The length of my stave --                                   
I'll bust out my private reserve.                           
                                                            
 7892 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Jim Weaver Collection    



The reason -- and I've got a hunch --                       
That the dollies succumb in a bunch                         
Is not tight elastic                                        
Or gyrations gymnastic --                                   
It's something I slipped in the punch.                      
                                                            
 7893 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Martin Wellborn     P8808



There was a young woman from Denver,                        
Who liked to go off on a bender;                            
While she sucked down the booze,                            
I'd tickle her cooze,                                       
Then lift up her dress and rear-end her.                    
                                                            
 7894 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Ty Denver                



A Swiss Miss from the town of Lucerne,                      
After school she had plenty to learn.                       
She'd learned to write and read,                            
Which she knew she would need,                              
But she knew not lemonade from Sauturne.                    
                                                            
 7895 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Arthur Pattaffy          



When out with a girl, give her shandy;                      
It's perfect for making her randy.                          
But when I get back                                         
To my little shack,                                         
Thank God! I have got my best brandy!                       
                                                            
 7896 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Archie                   



That's very miserly, mate;                                  
Is your meanness acquired or innate?                        
If I want my dates frisky,                                  
I ply them with whiskey.                                    
We're usually in bed around eight!                          
                                                            
 7897 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Peter Wilkins            



The Four X can go down the drain.                           
With Jayne it must be real champagne.                       
With Josie or Claire,                                       
Just vin ordinaire,                                         
Means panties not long would remain.                        
                                                            
 7898 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Archie                   



There once was a girl from Poughkeepsie                     
Who sneaked off to bed with a gypsy.                        
Though normally shy,                                        
Restraint passed her by                                     
Because she was ever so tipsy.                              
                                                            
 7899 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Monique de Plume   TP9804



When the snow is up to your knees,                          
And your toenails are starting to freeze,                   
Call your liquor supplier,                                  
Sit down by the fire,                                       
With a book and give darling a squeeze!                     
                                                            
 7900 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Observer                 



Miss Summer was nice, thought young Cummer;                 
One drink and he'd have him a hummer.                       
To his sorrow he found,                                     
After many a round,                                         
That one swallow does not make a Summer.                    
                                                            
 7901 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0100



There was a shoefitter named Hughes                         
Who softened a lady with booze.                             
When she lay down, unwitting,                               
He attempted a fitting,                                     
But he found her too big for his shoes.                     
                                                            
 7902 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0209



A darling young lady named Skinner                          
Felt good when she had a drop in her.                       
But after Carruther                                         
Provided another,                                           
She was good for a flop after dinner.                       
                                                            
 7903 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0332



The champagne punch was so cool,                            
Till the boss started acting the fool.                      
He took off his clothes,                                    
Turned a pale shade of rose,                                
And dove into the typing pool.                              
                                                            
 7904 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Jim Weaver Collection    



A rascal who thought he'd be able,                          
To make it with sable wrapped Mabel,                        
Conspired to mix her                                        
A wicked elixer,                                            
But she drank him under the table.                          
                                                            
 7905 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Pierce Evans             



A martini, my love, is just fine.                           
Shall we meet for a drink about nine?                       
With the second or third,                                   
I'll be shaken, not stirred                                 
Into action; if that's your design.                         
                                                            
 7906 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Sweet P                  



Deux amants sat in old Outremont                            
In a charming intime restaurant.                            
Said she, panting, "J'ai faim,                              
Donne-moi coq-au-vin,"                                      
So he did! N'est-ce pas que c'est bon?                      
                                                            
 7907 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS             Keith MacMillan       47a



Near London, in Kent's where I'll be;                       
We'll see lots of sights (two or three).                    
I love that Brown Ale;                                      
It knocks me on my tail.                                    
(I think that's where my sweetie wants me.)                 
                                                            
 7908 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Cheryl                   



A thoughtless young maid named O'Dirk                       
Got soused on her way home from work.                       
She slept, she had thought,                                 
With a prince in his yacht,                                 
But at dawn she awoke with a jerk.                          
                                                            
 7909 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Albin Chaplin   3024-0282



If you'd like to go in for nude-dealing,                    
And a life of delight is appealing,                         
Just a bucket of booze                                      
In the chickie you choose                                   
And, if lucky, her cooze you'll be feeling.                 
                                                            
 7910 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Grand Prix Lim  272      



In Shanghai a lady named Jinx,                              
Got blind drunk on oddly mixed drinks.                      
She awoke in a bunk                                         
In the hold of a junk,                                      
With no light but what passed through Chinks.               
                                                            
 7911 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      John Ciardi              



Her boyfriend's sufficiently mastered                       
The fine art of getting her plastered;                      
After three shots of whiskey                                
She's both groggy and frisky;                               
Then he takes gross advantage -- the bastard!               
                                                            
 7912 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Robin K. Willoughby P8403



A young lonely heart named Mandy                            
Thought that alcohol might make men randy.                  
In a bar, she would mingle,                                 
Find a gentleman single,                                    
But pass out from a half-pint of shandy.                    
                                                            
 7913 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Stefan Marianski         



There was a young girl whose frigidity,                     
Approached cataleptic rigidity,                             
Till you gave her a drink,                                  
When she quickly would sink                                 
To a state of complaisant liquidity.                        
                                                            
 7914 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Anon                L1622



This alcohol stuff works both ways.                         
When she wakes up in a whiskey haze,                        
And looks at the guy                                        
Next to her, Oh my!                                         
Can't repeat it, I must paraphrase!                         
                                                            
 7915 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Faerie                   



She said, "I thought he'd some hair!                        
Now I see that there ain't any there!                       
And his teeth that were white                               
Have turned green overnight.                                
They go well with his blank, crossed-eyed stare."           
                                                            
 7916 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Faerie                   



"I thought him a fine hunky fellow                          
But his skin...today not tan, but yellow.                   
Last night that big stick                                   
That I thought was his dick,                                
This morning is just a marshmallow!"                        
                                                            
 7917 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Faerie                   



She drank with some guys who were kin to her;               
They kept passing bottles of gin to her;                    
Since at last she passed out                                
From her long drinking bout,                                
She never learned who all got into her.                     
                                                            
 7918 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Armand E Singer       288



There was a young girl named McKnight,                      
Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.                 
She came to, in bed,         (She awoke in a snit      )    
With a split maidenhead.     (With her maidenhead split)    
That's the last time she ever got tight.                    
(To be told that she sure had been tight.)                  
 7919 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA                          L0876



I've heard of a red-blooded male                            
Whose pickup technique's yet to fail.                       
He fills chicks with booze                                  
And waits 'til they snooze,                                 
Then serves them his special "cock-tail!"                   
                                                            
 7920 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Phil T                   



There was a young lady named Plum                           
Who drank a whole bottle of rum.                            
She thought that she spent                                  
The night with Lord Kent,                                   
But next morning she woke with a bum.                       
                                                            
 7921 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - COMA      Albin Chaplin   3024-0298



The Lady Penelope Hinge                                     
Is oft to be seen on a binge.                               
When totally pickled,                                       
She likes to be tickled                                     
By trickling beer in her minge.                             
                                                            
 7922 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Peter Wilkins            



Blast all this trusting to luck;                            
I'll give her martini's to suck,                            
And after we've noshed,                                     
And when she is sloshed,                                    
We'll crash to the floor and then fuck!                     
                                                            
 7923 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Ron                      



While Peter's at work and a-slaving,                        
I could give your oyster a laving,                          
Then nibble your clit,                                      
Well, maybe a bit,                                          
And then the main course we'd be having.                    
                                                            
 7924 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Ron                      



My adventures begin right here;                             
With written word I give a leer                             
To potential studs;                                         
I can see no duds.                                          
Hey Babe, Can I buy you a beer?                             
                                                            
 7925 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC                           



He plied the girl with champagne, gin, and rye.             
And took her to a motel nearbye.                            
Like a prophet of doom,                                     
Her pa burst in the room;                                   
The best planned lays of men oft go awry.                   
                                                            
 7926 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



The maid drank my last fifth of whiskey,                    
Then she lay on my bed which was risky.                     
If my wife does find out,                                   
She will do more than shout,                                
For I joined the drunk maid and got frisky!                 
                                                            
 7927 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC                           



What he asked for (a four-letter word)                      
Badly frightened the frigid Miss Byrd.                      
But gin and insistence                                      
Wore down her resistance,                                   
And that four-letter word then occurred.                    
                                                            
 7928 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC                      G1629



The innocent virgin named Ida                               
Got drunk on a glass of hard cider.                         
She awoke with great dread,                                 
In Tom's cozy bed;                                          
Some thing harder than cider inside her                     
                                                            
 7929 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Parker Waterman     P0203



In the interest of furthering sin,                          
One squiffles a dolly with gin...                           
When squiffled, all vice                                    
Looks alluring and nice,                                    
And the next thing, you're in, like E. Flynn.               
                                                            
 7930 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Grand Prix Lim   19      



A salesman tried luring Miss Phipps                         
With suggestive remarks and low quips.                      
Murmured he with a grin                                     
As she downed her fifth gin,                                
"This damn well should loosen her hips!"                    
                                                            
 7931 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Grand Prix Lim  197      



Said her brother, the host, "You must lemme, sis,           
Proclaim that martini's your nemesis.                       
One or two, I have found,                                   
Make your heels go quite round,                             
And I won't have you laid on my premises."                  
                                                            
 7932 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC                      G2705



I plied her with ale in a bumper,                           
While I ogled the bumps in her jumper.                      
And late in the day                                         
Led her out in the hay                                      
But the question I asked didn't stump her!                  
                                                            
 7933 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC                      P0001



'Neath the vines on the banks of the Rhone,                 
Two lovers drank wine, all alone.                           
He made her quite jaunty                                    
With Asti Spumante,                                         
Then got her to sample his Beaune.                          
                                                            
 7934 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  John Maywood        P9710



There was a young lady named Pola                           
Who put too much rye in her cola.                           
She rode on a train                                         
Where she sang a refrain,                                   
And was fucked on the fourteenth gondola.                   
                                                            
 7935 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Albin Chaplin   3024-0744



When primed with the juice of the grape,                    
A cutie's too stiff to escape...                            
Some torrid caressing                                       
Leads to hurried undressing...                              
And then does that cutie go ape.                            
                                                            
 7936 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Grand Prix Lim  837      



A beery young dearie named Flober                           
Volunteered the remark that when sober                      
She refuses to do                                           
What she'll do full of brew;                                
...She's been tight every night since October.              
                                                            
 7937 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Grand Prix Lim  287      



Horny in two 'n' half beers;                                
He ain't been that rowdy in years.                          
Gotta take advantage                                        
When he's on a rampage,                                     
When he's sober he only leers.                              
                                                            
 7938 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC                           



Virgins pretend to be shy,                                  
And giggle when touching your thigh.                        
But a good shot of Stoly                                    
Can zap her hole's goalie,                                  
And let you pry open that pie.                              
                                                            
 7939 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  TuttaGioia               



A lovely young lady from Liechtenstein                      
Surrendered her virtue with too much wine.                  
When asked if she would,                                    
She misunderstood,                                          
And said "Ja" when she should of said "Nein."               
                                                            
 7940 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Gene Williamson          



"Bill first plied me with gin and vermouth.                 
Then he made me perform things uncouth."                    
"That's a lie," says our Bill.                              
"Wholly false is this Jill!                                 
It was vodka, I swear that's the truth."                    
                                                            
 7941 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Jim Weaver Collection    



A mighty smart frigger named Fred                           
Smiled a sniggering smile when he said,                     
"There's nothing like whiskey                               
To make a babe frisky                                       
And get her to head for the bed."                           
                                                            
 7942 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Grand Prix Lim  299      



There was a young lady quite frisky,                        
Who said that free love was too risky.                      
She did cooperate                                           
In a manner first rate,                                     
When presented a full shot of whiskey.                      
                                                            
 7943 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC  Albin Chaplin            



And now I'm a beer drinking lush,                           
A bimbo with brains that are mush?                          
Well sorry, you're wrong.                                   
Now cover your dong;                                        
It's wine that gives this girl a rush.                      
                                                            
 7944 BOOZE - SEDUCTIONS - SPECIFIC                           



Although liquor was Ogden's delight,                        
Every night he'd get high as a kite!                        
"One night I abstain."                                      
He said with disdain,                                       
"New Years Eve is Amateur Night!"                           
                                                            
 7945 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Ogden Nield              



The heat in the land of the Sphinx                          
Is reason for icing my drinks.                              
But NON-alcoholic?                                          
(The thought gives me colic.)                               
Arabian dishwater stinks!                                   
                                                            
 7946 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       R. J. Winkler       P8407



Old Captain Sally, not tame,                                
The Temperence Crusader, took aim                           
At all those who'd use                                      
Or sold beer or booze,                                      
To bash those who'd trash the town's name.                  
                                                            
 7947 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



Some rascals, on whom we did frown,                         
Had a secret saloon in this town;                           
A tintype salon                                             
In front, then a john;                                      
'Hind that, good fellows sat down!                          
                                                            
 7948 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



Bourbon and beer brought 'em cheer!                         
Slugs from strange jugs; rotgut here!                       
Tranquillity wrecked;                                       
Whole town could detect                                     
Loud revels from these devils, I fear!                      
                                                            
 7949 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



Carrie Nation of the South blew her top;                    
Captain Sally held a rally to stop                          
This boozing; and then,                                     
Formed, with tough men,                                     
A Posse Commitatis on the spot!                             
                                                            
 7950 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



Through the tintype salon they did gallop,                  
Looking for damn things to wallop;                          
These rampaging thugs                                       
Smashed crock'ry and jugs,                                  
With axes chopped furniture all up!                         
                                                            
 7951 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



The patrons escaped by back alley;                          
Asked the Mayor, what to do 'bout Sally?                    
"Sure looks like no use,                                    
Can't stop a mad moose!                                     
Get drinks at O'Malley's up the valley"!                    
                                                            
 7952 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



The temperance-queen, Carrie Nation,                        
Fulminated against all potation                             
With some alcohol it it;                                    
She said, "It's a sin; it                                   
Will make you want French osculation!"                      
                                                            
 7953 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Robin K. Willoughby P8403



Carrie Nation preached all about booze.                     
Took her axe, chopped up bars she would choose.             
She would bash the barkeeps,                                
It gave patrons the creeps,                                 
And she thought she had nothing to loose.                   
                                                            
 7954 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Dom                 P8706



There was an old maid from North Cape                       
Who never touched fermented grape.                          
She knew what she missed,                                   
But when she was kissed,                                    
It lowered the chances of rape.                             
                                                            
 7955 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Armand E Singer        88



Pete has a difference equation                              
Related to cheap distillation.                              
Using methods of Lotka,                                     
He could make so much vodka,                                
It would scandalize Miss Carrie Nation.                     
(Peter Salamon)                                             
 7956 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Literary Group           



Larry drank beer by the flagon;                             
He drank till his old ass was draggin'.                     
Now he convenes a cool meeting                              
That keeps us from cheating                                 
And helps all of us stay on the wagon.                      
                                                            
 7957 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



In New Orleans, I found a house                             
With lost souls within milling about,                       
Each one of them lost.                                      
They knew not the cost                                      
Of lifting up rum to their mouth.                           
                                                            
 7958 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Matthew Montchalin       



If I had just heeded the word                               
Of my Mom, if only I'd heard                                
What she tried to say,                                      
I'd be home today.                                          
These debts I would not have incurred.                      
                                                            
 7959 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Matthew Montchalin       



My youth was completely a waste.                            
A woman I met, she'd erased                                 
My memory with drinking --                                  
Oh what was I thinking --                                   
Hard gambling she gave me a taste.                          
                                                            
 7960 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Matthew Montchalin       



My mother, she sews new blue jeans,                         
She works all day long sewing seams,                        
But my sweetheart drinks rum                                
Until she is done,                                          
Down in a house in New Orleans.                             
                                                            
 7961 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Matthew Montchalin       



A fool I have been, Oh Lord God!                            
So steeped in cheap rum like a sod,                         
I've got just my shoes,                                     
I'm driven to booze,                                        
You know just how deeply I'm flawed.                        
                                                            
 7962 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Matthew Montchalin       



The few times I'm satisfied are                             
When I slake my thirst from a jar,                          
Brim full of applejack                                      
And then hit the sack;                                      
God knows how I've sunken so far.                           
                                                            
 7963 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Matthew Montchalin       



Don't drink hooch if you've got diabetes!                   
It'll rot off your cock and your feeties;                   
You'll end up in "Detox,"                                   
or -- worse yet -- in a box,                                
And I don't mean the kind labelled "Wheaties"!              
                                                            
 7964 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Robin K. Willoughby P8403



There once was a fellow named Wynne,                        
Who drank till it dripped off his chin.                     
He found, with his curse,                                   
That drink made it worse,                                   
So he decided to pack it all in.                            
                                                            
 7965 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



To sip on a dram of good rum                                
Is wonderful pleasure for some;                             
Excessively drinking                                        
To swack myself stinking                                    
Seems ever myopic and dumb.                                 
                                                            
 7966 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       R. J. Winkler       P8403



Now Gillian -- an expat Briton,                             
With booze was really quite smitten.                        
She sipped by the hour,                                     
But then found the power                                    
And now helps others with quittin'.                         
                                                            
 7967 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



There was an old sailor of Crete,                           
Whose peg-legs propelled him quite neat.                    
"Strong liquor," he said,                                   
"Never goes to my head,                                     
And I know it can't go to my feet."                         
                                                            
 7968 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



I give you this bright little nugget:                       
If you have a full bottle, then hug it.                     
If you desire gin,                                          
Then it is no sin.                                          
And as for the temperance, Fuggit!                          
                                                            
 7969 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A Salvation chick named Miss Scott,                         
To save souls of drunkards had sought.                      
A drunk in the ditch                                        
Said, "Help me, you bitch."                                 
So she gave him a lick of her twat.                         
                                                            
 7970 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0880



In many a Western-type flicker                              
The villains met justice much quicker                       
Than if they'd refrained,                                   
As heroes abstained,                                        
From booze, unaddicted to liquor.                           
                                                            
 7971 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       R. J. Winkler       P8412



This morning I'm feeling quite seedy,                       
But I've solved the problem quite neaty.                    
I just signed the pledge,                                   
Was right on the edge                                       
Of having hair of the dog what bit me.                      
                                                            
 7972 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Archie                   



There once was a fellow named Marty,                        
Who turned out to be a real smarty.                         
He found he could choose                                    
To knock off the booze,                                     
And still be the life of the party.                         
                                                            
 7973 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



A teetotaler wary of sin                                    
Loathed plonk and slygrog with their kin. (bootleg stuff)   
Although the bloke snickered                                
At the sozzled and shickered,             (drunken bums)    
He was actually fond of one gin.                            
                                                            
 7974 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       A. N. Wilkins       P8611



There was an old person of Jena,                            
Whose wife was a total abstainer.                           
He didn't complain,                                         
Till she hid the champagne,                                 
When he jolly well threatened to brain her.                 
                                                            
 7975 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Less Eminent Victor P0102



Good morrow, Neighbor Gamble.                               
Come, let you and I goe and ramble:                         
Last night I was shot                                       
Through the braines with a pot                              
And now my stomach doth wamble.                             
(wamble - disturbed stomach, staggering gait)               
 7976 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Roxburg Ballads 1640     



Gramercy, neighbor Jinkin,                                  
I see thou lovest no shrinking.                             
And I, for my part                                          
From thee will not start;                                   
Come fill us a little more drink in.                        
                                                            
 7977 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Yes, my sperm have Halos and Wings                          
But let's not harp of heavenly things.                      
I don't drink and screw;                                    
That simply won't do;                                       
Booze would weaken my sperm's innersprings.                 
                                                            
 7978 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



There was a young fellow named Hilary                       
Who drank like he owned a distillery,                       
But his wife soon corrected                                 
His behavior dejected                                       
When she sobered him up in a pillory.                       
                                                            
 7979 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Albin Chaplin 3024  P8909



"I do it all for the Lord's sake,"                          
Carry Nation declared, "But I take                          
This joy as a boon                                          
When I wreck a saloon.                                      
I like hearing the bottles all break."                      
                                                            
 7980 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       A. N. Wilkins       P8403



The Spoonerist suffragette Phryne                           
Saw her fiance guzzling wine;                               
With her hands on her hips,                                 
She admonished him: "Lips                                   
That lick touchers will never lick mine!"                   
                                                            
 7981 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Robin K. Willoughby P8403



Not drinking should not make me glum;                       
A few pounds off my frame have come.                        
Hip Hip Hooray,                                             
This could be the way                                       
To decrease the size of my bum!                             
                                                            
 7982 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Anon                     



There is an old fellow from Bath,                           
Who never walks straight down a path.                       
You would probably think                                    
He had too much to drink,                                   
But it's only a way that he hath.                           
                                                            
 7983 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



I like a stiff drink, I confess,                            
Avoiding becoming a mess,                                   
For nobody ought to                                         
Get plastered or blotto                                     
By swilling the stuff to excess.                            
                                                            
 7984 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       R. J. Winkler       P8403



I just don't happen to drink,                               
So just don't put up a big stink.                           
I don't like alcohol,                                       
Any or all.                                                 
I usually pour it down the sink.                            
                                                            
 7985 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Arden                    



I'm not telling you what to do;                             
You can swallow it till you turn blue.                      
If you get yourself plastered,                              
Like some stupid bastard,                                   
No matter, 'cause I don't know you.                         
                                                            
 7986 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Arden                    



My friends have known from the start;                       
Of alcohol, I'll have no part.                              
They never offer                                            
Me drinks from the coffer;                                  
From my house they soberly depart.                          
                                                            
 7987 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Arden                    



There once was a fellow named Itchy,                        
Who often could turn up quite bitchy.                       
He got up his gumption                                      
And stopped his consumption,                                
And now he's not nearly so twitchy.                         
                                                            
 7988 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



Now that I write stories for pay,                           
I've learned this, to my dismay.                            
Having sworn off the drink                                  
All the better to think,                                    
I realize I have nothing to say.                            
                                                            
 7989 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Anon                     



The story of Marg was quite sad;                            
The booze left her feeling so bad.                          
But by a process of thinking,                               
She got rid of the drinking,                                
And now she is feeling quite rad.                           
                                                            
 7990 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



George woke, found that he had his drag on;                 
Last night he'd drunk many a flagon.                        
His wifes righteous ire                                     
Was hotter than fire.                                       
I think now he'll go on the wagon.                          
                                                            
 7991 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Tiddy Ogg                



A dipso by name of Pendragon                                
Quaffed wine by the bottle and flagon,                      
Saying, "Smell the bouquet,                                 
It is so distingue,                                         
How can I stay long on the wagon?"                          
                                                            
 7992 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Armand E Singer       429



There was a young man named Hughes,                         
Who swore off all kinds of booze.                           
He said, "When I'm muddled,                                 
My senses get fuddled,                                      
And I pass up too many good screws."                        
                                                            
 7993 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                           L0051



I hope that you're being sardonic,                          
I don't have a problem that's chronic.                      
Just one drink a day                                        
To keep strokes at bay;                                     
My alcohol intake's a tonic.                                
                                                            
 7994 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Luke spent each Lent on the wagon                           
And said, "My, how the time seems to drag on.               
Pellegrino and Perrier  (two sparkling waters)              
Don't make a man merrier.                                   
Bring me Easter and bring me a flagon."                     
                                                            
 7995 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Back East, there was an old Gypsy,                          
Who tended at night to be tipsy.                            
Said he, "My last steps                                     
Aren't propelled by just Schweppes!"                        
This peppy old poop from Poughkeepsie.                      
                                                            
 7996 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Now, Betty the pot head's story                             
Is sometimes both yucky and gory.                           
But she got off the weed                                    
And now plants the seed,                                    
So others can know the same glory.                          
                                                            
 7997 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



There once was an alky named Bill                           
Who found quitting to be all uphill.                        
The he found the 3 S's,                                     
And now he confesses                                        
That he can stay clean with a will.                         
                                                            
 7998 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Bill S                   



I see by the Medical News                                   
That in water, bacteria snooze;                             
That the milk's full of germs                               
And diphtheria worms.                                       
Thank goodness, there's safety in booze!                    
                                                            
 7999 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Jim Weaver Collection    



You drinkers really are barmy,                              
You're doing yourselves so much harmy.                      
You should stick to the rule                                
Just to dribble and drool                                   
And join the salivation army.                               
                                                            
 8000 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Tiddy Ogg                



We salvationists say "'Way with booze!                      
If you touch it, then all will you lose.                    
Water's the drink                                           
That helps you to think,                                    
And will not give you the blues."                           
                                                            
 8001 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Tiddy Ogg                



That fruit-cake there may contain rum;                      
One bite turns you into a bum.                              
Just imagine the sight                                      
Of a man getting tight,                                     
And his face all covered with crumbs.                       
                                                            
 8002 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Tiddy Ogg                



And that loaf of bread contains yeast.                      
One slice turns you into a beast.                           
Don't touch the crust,                                      
For it's certain you must                                   
Be damned after such evil feasts.                           
                                                            
 8003 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Tiddy Ogg                



The old country preacher Declindt                           
TO the offer to quaff a wee pint,                           
Remembering his Scripture:                                  
"I won't have a nip, Sir,                                   
And Satan, now get thee behindt!"                           
                                                            
 8004 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



After Friday night, I'll not touch a drop;                  
My drinking has just got to stop.                           
I've signed the pledge;                                     
It's here on the ledge.                                     
I'm now one of the "Salvation" crop.                        
                                                            
 8005 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Archie                   



After Oscar had had a few glasses,                          
And at a few women made passes,                             
He said, "Time for work,                                    
I can no longer shirk,                                      
Work's the curse of the drinking classses."                 
                                                            
 8006 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Tiddy Ogg                



A reason for drinking is, first,                            
To satisfy dryness or thirst;                               
Forgetting the rest,                                        
The first is the best --                                    
But drinking too much is the worst.                         
                                                            
 8007 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       R. J. Winkler       P8403



Once a Viking from old Copenhagen                           
Gave up schnapps and went on the wagon.                     
Slew no more Jews, Gentiles, Aryans,                        
Carnivores, Vegetarians,                                    
And fed all his SPAM to a dragon.                           
                                                            
 8008 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Mike O'Conner            



I'm sitting here at my computer.                            
Wishing that I could drink ale from pewter.                 
But I gave up the stuff                                     
'Cause it treated me rough,                                 
And my wife said, my slinky she'd neuter.                   
                                                            
 8009 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE                                



Prohibitionists had it wrong, Alas.                         
I respond to their premise with sass.                       
Cheap labor, cheap booze.                                   
For those who so choose,                                    
"Work's the curse of all the 'Drinking Class'."             
                                                            
 8010 BOOZE - SOBER/TEMPERANCE       Arthur Deex         P9604



If whiskey is drunk by the bottle,                          
This very significant thought'll                            
Give pause to your drinking                                 
And make you start thinking.                                
A little won't hurt -- but a lot'll.                        
                                                            
 8011 BOOZE - WHISKEY                R. J. Winkler       P8403



There was an old person of Biscay                           
Whose wife had locked up all the whiskey.                   
But just take a look                                        
At the wily old Cook                                        
Who said, "Sir! can do it with this key."                   
                                                            
 8012 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Randall Davies      P0103



There was an old fellow named Sy,                           
Who said that he always was dry.                            
Lemonade he'd refuse;                                       
Water he'd never choose;                                    
He'd slake thirst on bourbon and rye.                       
                                                            
 8013 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Warrick Elrod            



If some are perpetually high,                               
It's Canadian whiskey -- that's why.                        
Though in terms of performance                              
It expedites dormance --                                    
It's harder to come through the rye.                        
                                                            
 8014 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Hugh Oliver          120c



An alternate universe thrives                               
In which I may lead other lives.                            
My beck is my call!                                         
Now pour a high-ball;                                       
They're much cheaper than hyper-drives.                     
                                                            
 8015 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Nott Right         TP9901



There was a young Aussie from Sidney.                       
Who secreted straight booze from his kidneys.               
When in need of a sock,                                     
He pulled out his cock,                                     
And pissed out a shot of rye whiskey.                       
                                                            
 8016 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                         



Tell the world that the whiskey works swell.                
When It feels like I'm nearly in Hell,                      
I take a small drink,                                       
Close my eyes, cease to think,                              
In an hour or so, I'm quite well.                           
                                                            
 8017 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Frank Fazed              



"When Paddy was bit by an adder                             
And died, I could not have been sadder;                     
I bought whisky he'd crave                                  
Which I poured on his grave,                                
But I filtered it once through me bladder."                 
                                                            
 8018 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Hugh Clary               



To make that old car go with ease,                          
Use whisky and not anti-freeze.                             
The trouble, I'm thinking,                                  
They'll suspect you of drinking,                            
As the fumes waft away on the breeze.                       
                                                            
 8019 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                         



Everytime that I start drinking whiskey,                    
The girls think I get too damn frisky.                      
They're great fun to frisk,                                 
When I start to get brisk,                                  
But I have to admit that it's risky.                        
                                                            
 8020 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Neal Wilgus         P8403



A grumpy colleen named Eileen                               
In between would come clean and would lean                  
On a friend who just stated;                                
How can you be mated                                        
When you're obscene and just teem with poteen.              
                                                            
 8021 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Bill Backe-Hansen   P9402



He was told that poteen wouldn't hit him,                   
But in fact he found out it would split him.                
What he couldn't endure                                     
Was met with a cure:                                        
A hair off the doggy that bit him.                          
                                                            
 8022 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Bill Backe-Hansen   P9402



There was a young weaver from Wapping,                      
Who thought his first whisky was topping.                   
He swallowed it down                                        
With a dubious frown,                                       
And hiccuped six weeks without stopping.                    
                                                            
 8023 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                         



Just two pints of Guinness, that's it,                      
That gives the Irish their wit.                             
Or a wee dram of whisky                                     
Makes their tongues frisky;                                 
Much more and they're all full of shit.                     
                                                            
 8024 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Sam Pittman              



Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and George Dickel:                  
Past masters at booze's sweet tickle --                     
These liquorish seducers                                    
Made me join the world's juicers;                           
Now my liver resembles a pickle!                            
                                                            
 8025 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Robin K. Willoughby P8403



There was an old person of Biscay                           
Whose wife had locked up all the whisky.                    
But just take a look                                        
At the wily old cook                                        
Who said: "Sir, I can do it with this key."                 
                                                            
 8026 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Explosion of Lim    P9912



"So the spirits arise about morn?"                          
Said an old man who lived at Cape Horn.                     
"But they're not for me,"                                   
He exclaimed with much glee.                                
"The spirits I like come from corn."                        
                                                            
 8027 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Clarence E Boyle    P8711



A Turk by the name of Haroun,                               
Ate whiskey by means of a spoon.                            
To one who asked why,                                       
This Turk made reply:                                       
"To drink is forbidden, you loon!"                          
                                                            
 8028 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                         



A well-oiled cowboy named Durbin                            
Found falling in ditches disturbin'.                        
He lay there and wallowed                                   
And gasped as he swallowed,                                 
"This ditch water sure needs some bourbon!"                 
                                                            
 8029 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



In Texas (embarrassed I think,                              
That his freezer had gone on the blink)                     
My host said, En passant,                                   
"Round here, if it hasn't                                   
Got ice in, it isn't a drink."                              
                                                            
 8030 BOOZE - WHISKEY                CeeJay                   



There was an old man of Lake Charles                        
Who would keep all his bourbon in barrels,                  
In a place out behind,                                      
Which his boys couldn't find --                             
Thus engendering family quarrels.                           
                                                            
 8031 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Keith MacMillan     A057B



One bottle of whiskey's a blast,                            
And you can get plastered real fast.                        
But two?  I don't know                                      
If that's how you should go,                                
'Cause then the aspersions get cast.                        
                                                            
 8032 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Observer                 



You'll be called a dirty old drunk,                         
And ladies will reject your hunk.                           
You may get cirrhosis                                       
And have halitosis,                                         
And spurned like a pedophile monk.                          
                                                            
 8033 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Observer                 



A word to the wise should suffice;                          
So now, my boy, take my advice.                             
When you're feeling frisky,                                 
Avoid too much whiskey,                                     
Or later on, you'll pay the price.                          
                                                            
 8034 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Observer                 



Your advice, is as sage as it's rare,                       
But when ladies their charms to me bare,                    
And say they've got whiskey,                                
And they're feeling frisky,                                 
One has to adopt laissez faire.                             
                                                            
 8035 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Murphy                   



A girl from Franconia Notch                                 
Once dated a man who made scotch.                           
If he gave her a tipple,                                    
She'd show him a nipple;                                    
For a pint, she'd show him her crotch.                      
                                                            
 8036 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Monster                  



There was a young lady named Ross,                          
Whose husband became very cross                             
When she filled all their jugs                              
With sassenach slugs                                        
Preserved in his whiskey ecosse.                            
                                                            
 8037 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Harold C Bibby           



When appalled by the state you are in,                      
Don't fall into despair or give in;                         
To become once more frisky,                                 
Sit back with a whiskey;                                    
When finished, proceed to the gin.                          
                                                            
 8038 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Paul M. Hoffman          



Richard Bourbon does not like to bicker,                    
Yet no one to battle is quicker.                            
He will lower the boom                                      
If one dares to presume                                     
To address him, in jest, as Dick Liquor.                    
                                                            
 8039 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Bob Giandomenico    P8803



A fictional private eye                                     
Habitually drank slugs of rye.                              
He claimed that the drink                                   
Made it easy to think,                                      
But my memory fails as to why.                              
                                                            
 8040 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Anon                     



A slug of the rye on the sly,                               
Expecially when I am dry,                                   
Is good for the spirit                                      
(At least, as I hear it) --                                 
Too many can set me awry.                                   
                                                            
 8041 BOOZE - WHISKEY                R. J. Winkler       P8403



There was this young guy from Madras.                       
With an ability quite crass.                                
If you fed him some batter                                  
And filled him with water,                                  
He shot whiskey (sambaar) right out of his ass.             
(sambaar - raghead indian spices)                           
 8042 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Whenever a cautious old banker                              
Would grow tired of routine and would hanker                
For romance, he'd request                                   
Irish Coffee -- the best,                                   
But he'd ask them to make it with Sanka.                    
                                                            
 8043 BOOZE - WHISKEY                A. N. Wilkins       P8403



There once was a fellow named Leo                           
Who only drank Seagrams V.O.                                
When it was hot                                             
He smelled like dry rot,                                    
'Cause the V.O. of Leo made B.O.                            
                                                            
 8044 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Tom Patton          P9507



There was a young fellow from Durban,                       
Who put fifteen snakes in his turban.                       
When asked why he did it,                                   
He had to admit it;                                         
'Twas the second bottle of bourbon.                         
                                                            
 8045 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



The exploits of a Madame so frisky,                         
Were trashy and just a bit risky.                           
Among truckers she'd roam,                                  
And take each one home,                                     
After getting them bombed on cheap whiskey.                 
                                                            
 8046 BOOZE - WHISKEY                D. Bartolo               



There was an old lady of Wales,                             
Who lived upon whisky and snails.                           
On growing a shell,                                         
She exclaimled, "What the Hell!                             
It will save me on bonnets and veils."                      
                                                            
 8047 BOOZE - WHISKEY                C Aiken           (Bibby)



The story of five happy Sikhs                               
Who whiskey and beer tried to mix.                          
A sixth Sikh drew near,                                     
With chasers of beer,                                       
Emergency room - six Sikhs sick.                            
                                                            
 8048 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Irving Superior     P8209



A sorcerer's room-set at Christ's                           
Was plagued by perverse poltergeists;                       
When he found them too frisky,                              
He sought solace in whiskey,                                
And swallowed it neat and un-iced.                          
(Christ's College of Cambridge)                             
 8049 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Harold C Bibby           



In the world right above, they will sigh                    
For some spiritual help from the rye,                       
As there, all will treasure                                 
Unlimited pleasure                                          
When the spirit of spirits is high.                         
                                                            
 8050 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Bill Backe-Hansen   P8710



So you want to talk spirits?" said Wattle,                  
To a medium living at Gottle.                               
"I don't know what to say,                                  
They don't know night from day.                             
The spirits I know come in a bottle!"                       
                                                            
 8051 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Clarence E. Boyle   P8711



A damsel from far Newport News                              
Was a pushover when she would booze.                        
So men fill her with whiskey,                               
To keep her cunt frisky,                                    
And used her for suck-offs and screws.                      
                                                            
 8052 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                    G0709



There was a young man from Tacoma                           
Whose breath had a whiskey aroma;                           
So to alter the smell                                       
He swallowed Chanel                                         
And went off in a heavenly coma.                            
                                                            
 8053 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Linda Marsh Coll         



The Irish by Scotch are made frisky.                        
The Scots tune their bagpipes to this key.                  
Though the Germans praise schnapps                          
And are cordial to hops,                                    
The swiss skiers slalom for whiskey!                        
                                                            
 8054 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Laurence Perrine    P8403



A mother explained to her daughter,                         
If you're thirsty, drink whisky, not water.                 
For water, God knows,                                       
Is where fish doo-doo goes!                                 
So she drinks like her mother has taught her.               
                                                            
 8055 BOOZE - WHISKEY                John E Maywood           



Shee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-it!                                     
Just what the hell have I writ?                             
My head feels loose                                         
That's my excuse,                                           
Of whiskey, I've had quite a bit.                           
                                                            
 8056 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                         



Was ever an Irishman seen                                   
Without a pert pretty colleen,                              
His pet patch of peat,                                      
Some potatoes to eat,                                       
And a piping hot pot of poteen?                             
                                                            
 8057 BOOZE - WHISKEY                Laurence Perrine    P8403



There once was a fellow called Rick,                        
When asked what drink would he pick,                        
Replied with a grin,                                        
"Just put sugar in,                                         
White with seven, that should do the trick!"                
                                                            
 8058 BOOZE - WHISKEY                David Epstein            



Blistering barnacles and thundering typhoon,                
Raged Captain Haddock at the moon.                          
Who drank my whisky?                                        
Who's the culprit frisky?                                   
I will blow him up with my harpoon!                         
                                                            
 8059 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                         



Total silence reigned in the night,                         
And then the Cap'n shrieked in delight.                     
Aye ! Now I remember                                        
When she's in my chamber --                                 
Didn't I finish it yesterday night?                         
                                                            
 8060 BOOZE - WHISKEY                                         



Though my liver may suffer, I try                           
To maintain a perpetual high;                               
With Wild Turkey or scotch,                                 
It's less painful to watch                                  
How the days of my youth hurry by.                          
                                                            
 8061 BOOZE - WHISKEY                William N. Nesbit   P9607



A lady from South Madagascar                                
Wears a bag on her head; it's to mask her.                  
A bottle of scotch                                          
Might loosen her crotch.                                    
Wait here, I'll go and ask her.                             
                                                            
 8062 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH                                



A man from the land of the Dutch                            
Had a terrible wife, that  was such                         
A veritable plague                                          
That he fled up to Hague                                    
And drank a whole bottle of scotch.                         
                                                            
 8063 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Jim Weaver Collection    



I am all alone in the dark                                  
Just sipping at my Cutty Sark.                              
I'd drink the whole bottle                                  
But I shouldn't ottle                                       
'Cause then I would dance around stark!                     
                                                            
 8064 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH                                



A number of drams of Drambuie                               
Can make your perception go blooey                          
And slopping down more,                                     
Not stopping to pour,                                       
Is fun but eccentric and screwy.                            
                                                            
 8065 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       R. J. Winkler       P8403



A liquor store owner named Fein                             
Brought his bride in to help sell the wine.                 
But one day after work                                      
He caught her and a clerk                                   
Engaged in a Vat 69.                                        
                                                            
 8066 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Michael Weinstein   P8403



Canny Angus never tires of repeating                        
"Famous Grouse, ye may ken, takes some beating.             
And you feel really grand                                   
With a glass in your hand,                                  
And you also can save on the heating!"                      
                                                            
 8067 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Anon                     



Angling joining to sampling the malt,                       
Can lead to a grievous fault,                               
Enhancing one's stories                                     
Of piscatorial glories,                                     
Which must be taken with grain of salt.                     
                                                            
 8068 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Norm Brust               



If GLOGG is the drink that you itch,                        
Transfer should go off without hitch.                       
You can have your way,                                      
As for us?  Pray,                                           
Leave us our smooth Glenfiddich.                            
                                                            
 8069 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Chris Papa               



A whiskey buff sat in his chair                             
And called the sommelier there.                             
"While the Grouse that I drink                              
Has no need to be pink,                                     
I do like my J & B rare."                                   
                                                            
 8070 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There are those who like to drink scotch                    
And others who don't like it much.                          
I like it a lot,                                            
And if that's what you've got,                              
I'll drink it all up while you watch.                       
                                                            
 8071 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Neal Wilgus         P8403



My brother-in-law is a Scot,                                
But whiskey he seldom has bought.                           
Pulled out a bottle of old,                                 
Then shook off the mold,                                    
Then poured me a one-fingered shot.                         
                                                            
 8072 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       John Henry               



If you would seek pleasures of vat,                         
A real POTATORY fat cat,                                    
Would o'er Scotland crawl                                   
To taste malt brews all,                                    
And have nips of mostly this and that.                      
                                                            
 8073 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Chris Papa               



Scotch drink researcher POTATORY,                           
In tales recapitulatory,                                    
Were all on behalf                                          
Of supporting staff,                                        
Who kept nose to stone rotatory.                            
                                                            
 8074 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Daniel Ford              



For those left behind in the lurch,                         
We diligently conducted a search                            
For best single malt                                        
To drink in the vault                                       
Out behind the St Andrews Church.                           
                                                            
 8075 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Daniel Ford              



Of course, was medicinal only.                              
Some comfort in intervals lonely,                           
When I'd miss my wife                                       
Enjoying beach life,                                        
Hiding from winds near jetty's stone lee.                   
                                                            
 8076 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Daniel Ford              



Though some of you may sit there and smirk                  
About sins that in simple joys lurk,                        
Please do consider                                          
Whether forbidder                                           
Is clearly in or outside the kirk.                          
                                                            
 8077 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Daniel Ford              



Even the praises of Robbie Burns                            
Burnish the glow that single malt earns.                    
So hold tongue of thine                                     
For chants Auld Lang Syne,                                  
And kindness cups for which the tongue yearns.              
                                                            
 8078 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Daniel Ford              



A color-blind barkeep once said,                            
"I'll serve whiskey until I am dead.                        
But my favorite brand,                                      
Can't remember offhand,                                     
Is it Johnny Walker Black or Red?"                          
                                                            
 8079 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Tom Patton          P0107



A Chester man sure loved his scotch. Oh,                    
He thought it made him feel so macho.                       
One night when he binged,                                   
He came really unhinged,                                    
So now he drinks only gazpacho.                             
                                                            
 8080 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH                                



I didn't have to think twice:                               
That sounds like some dandy advice --                       
Drink's good for what ails you;                             
And Scotch never fails you,                                 
So pour me another, on ice!                                 
                                                            
 8081 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH                                



Lord, help me; put me in the brig.                          
Or hang me up high from a twig.                             
I made a mistake,                                           
I just meant to take                                        
From the bottle of Dewars, a swig.                          
                                                            
 8082 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Ken Bonnell              



Don't give us those excuses rich,                           
And other sad stores of which,                              
You count as excuses;                                       
They're only poor ruses                                     
From tippling too much Glenfidich!                          
                                                            
 8083 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Chris Papa               



Give me Teacher's or Vat 69,                                
Dewar's, Chivas Regal, Ballatyne,                           
Haig & Haig, Cutty Sark,                                    
Famous Grouse (for a lark!)                                 
You can tell I think Scotch is just fine.                   
                                                            
 8084 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Robin K. Willoughby P8403



Oh, peerless and royal sweet Maid,                          
I'll defend you with my strong blade,                       
And bring a whole swatch                                    
Of single malt scotch,                                      
To drink in your private green glade.                       
                                                            
 8085 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH                                



Though some would find drinking it risky,                   
A single-malt shot of Scotch whisky                         
Imbibed in wee sips                                         
By sweet tender lips,                                       
Will make a young lover feel frisky.                        
                                                            
 8086 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH                                



I met a man and I asked him the time,                       
He said that he hadn't a dime.                              
He told me that his watch                                   
Had been sold to buy scotch.                                
I sensed that he was well past his prime.                   
                                                            
 8087 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Arthur Pattaffy          



A wheezing old seaman named Kotch,                          
Heaved ho at his hot honey's crotch.                        
Hearing liquor was quicker,                                 
He withdrew his pricker,                                    
And thrust up a bottle of scotch.                           
                                                            
 8088 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Kathleen A. Martin  P8403



To some Glenfiddich is medicine,                            
And heave Laphroig is dread as sin,                         
But Glen Livet's a pip,                                     
Wee dram o' Sheep Dip --                                    
Macallan fills space the head is in.                        
                                                            
 8089 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH       Daniel Ford              



Here I sit in the pub with me Valentine;                    
We're sharing a bottle of Ballantine,                       
When in walks me spouse!                                    
Sends me home! (That old louse)                             
And soaks up me Scotch with that gal'o'mine!                
                                                            
 8090 BOOZE - WHISKEY - SCOTCH                                



When I'm down at the pub for a snort,                       
I always quaff sherry or port,                              
'Cause fortified wine                                       
Has a taste that's divine,                                  
And two pints always make one cavort.                       
                                                            
 8091 BOOZE - WINE                                            



They knew Claud had gone a bit potty                        
When he started to hoard Aligote.  (poor cheap grape)       
He would cry, "Bless my soul!"                              
And pour some in the bowl                                   
Of MacPherson, his favorite scotty.                         
                                                            
 8092 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Well lady, I really did thunkit,                            
Though you had decided to flunkit.                          
And as for the wine,                                        
Are you still saving mine?                                  
Or have you already done drunkit?                           
                                                            
 8093 BOOZE - WINE                                            



A bibulous man from Atlanta                                 
Was in love with his antique decanter.                      
He kept it well filled;                                     
The wine was well chilled.                                  
And are you not thrilled with this banter?                  
                                                            
 8094 BOOZE - WINE                   Al Willis           P9710



Pavarotti, I'm told, is quite anti                          
The concept of Asti Spumante -- (sparkling Italian wine)    
But give him Barolo                                         
And he'll sing you a solo                                   
Extolling the charms of Chianti.  (still Italian wine)      
                                                            
 8095 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A Roman who goes to see Esther,                             
After he's stripped and caressed her,                       
Drinks Asti Spumante  (Italian sparkling red from Turin)    
And cries out, "Avanti!"                                    
As naked they go down the Cresta. (hotrodding snow sled run)
                                                            
 8096 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



"My dear, have a drop of this Tawny,"                       
Said Charles, "Oh I do feel so horny.                       
I have never felt sexier.                                   
Now excuse my dyslexia,  (Brit liquor suppliers)            
But I'm working for Barrow and Corney."                     
                                                            
 8097 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A very well-spoken young blood                              
Was wrestling his girl in the mud.                          
As they rolled in the slime,                                
"I'm part-time                                              
With Berry Brothers and Rudd."  (Brit wine merchants)       
                                                            
 8098 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A fellow named Mortimer Cline,                              
Was drowned in a barrel of wine;                            
His corpse was a mess                                       
And in horrid distress,                                     
But the barrel of wine turned out fine.                     
(murder case in England 1478)                               
 8099 BOOZE - WINE                   Cap'n Bean          P0402



On better cruise ships' sailing day,                        
In cabins from G to A,                                      
A bottle of wine --                                         
A good will design --                                       
Of finest vintage Cabernet.                                 
                                                            
 8100 BOOZE - WINE                   Irving Superior     P9710



There was a young lady called Linder,                       
Who sat all day by the winder.                              
Her thoughts sent astray                                    
By a nice Cabernet,                                         
She turned all meals into a cinder.                         
                                                            
 8101 BOOZE - WINE                   Brian Collingwood        



It's said that the sisters, nee Bronte,                     
After drinking their full of Spumante,                      
Planned to quickly flee                                     
Bello old Italy.                                            
But then they discovered Chianti.                           
                                                            
 8102 BOOZE - WINE                   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



We once had a bit of a party,                               
Mixing Advocaat, Rum, and Frascati,  (yellow Dutch drink)   
With fried eggs -- a blunder --                             
It was frankly no wonder                                    
That you never heard chunder so hearty.                     
                                                            
 8103 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



To offer a flagon of Claret                                 
Is certainly worthy of merit.                               
But those who refuse                                        
In favor of booze,                                          
Might shun it because they can't bear it.                   
                                                            
 8104 BOOZE - WINE                   R. J. Winkler       P8403



There's a woman who lives at South Forks,                   
Makes a fetish of old vermouth corks.                       
She keeps those labeled France                              
In the front of her pants,                                  
And Italy back round her porks.                             
                                                            
 8105 BOOZE - WINE                                            



This corkscrew is lacking in torque;                        
I applied it just now to the cork                           
Of my bottle of red,                                        
But resorted instead                                        
To a screwdriver, chisel, and fork.                         
                                                            
 8106 BOOZE - WINE                   Peter Wilkins            



Now are you willing to share                                
A glass of that wine you've got there.                      
If I bring it to you,                                       
A brand new corkscrew?                                      
I've always got one here to spare.                          
                                                            
 8107 BOOZE - WINE                   Carol                    



Your corkscrew is great at uncorking                        
But mine is far better at forking.                          
So Cheers!  Down the hatch!                                 
Bottoms up!  Open snatch!                                   
Time for acion, my sweet, not torquing.                     
                                                            
 8108 BOOZE - WINE                   Peter Wilkins            



Here's to you, my friend, may your corkscrew,               
Get thoroughly uncorked into                                
My tasty rose',                                             
A savory bouquet;                                           
Your palate will surely thank you.                          
                                                            
 8109 BOOZE - WINE                   Carol                    



There was a young female called Gay                         
Who was quite indescribably fey.                            
"Let us quaff a carafe,"                                    
She'd suggest with a laugh,                                 
"And then maybe a demi-bouteille."  (half bottle 375 ml)    
                                                            
 8110 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



"Let's meet at this out-of-town diner,                      
'Cause I know that you're just a minor."                    
Instead she went home,                                      
Got the cops on the phone;                                  
That'll teach him to dine and not wine her.                 
                                                            
 8111 BOOZE - WINE                   Ron Lankford             



I know just a little of wine;                               
The red and the white are divine.                           
And then there is Port,                                     
The good tawny sort                                         
That leads to a drunk driving fine.                         
                                                            
 8112 BOOZE - WINE                   Archie                   



Drunk driving?, You miserable sot!                          
You should have been home, smoking pot.                     
You would not be hung over                                  
Or want the day over.                                       
And would not have the ticket you got.                      
                                                            
 8113 BOOZE - WINE                   South of Eden            



"I think you will like this Eiswein,"                       
Said Hans, "It is a nice wine.                              
I pick grapes Christmas morn,                               
Tooting my alpenhorn.                                       
That's why it's a very high price wine."                    
                                                            
 8114 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Said the waiter, our "Entre-Deux-Mers                       
Is just riddled with devil may care.                        
When back it you've tossed,                                 
At just five times our cost,                                
It's goodbye to a wing and a prayer."                       
(region within Bordeaux)                                    
 8115 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Of my jug wines, the critics did say                        
In a haughty condescending way,                             
"We aren't contentious                                      
But it's our consensus,                                     
They're pretentious and flaunt their bouquet."              
                                                            
 8116 BOOZE - WINE                   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



A lad from Lower Slaughter --                               
Great palate, name of Porter.                               
A brilliant chap;                                           
Knew from which tap                                         
Had come each glass of water.                               
                                                            
 8117 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Well I'm about to get into the bath                         
And I fancy a bit of a laugh.                               
I fancy a tipple                                            
And a tweak of a nipple,                                    
With wine in a large carafe.                                
                                                            
 8118 BOOZE - WINE                                            



Is there room for me, too, in your tub?                     
It would please me to rub and to scrub                      
Your erogenous parts,                                       
While the wine warms our hearts;                            
We'll awaken my slumbering stub!                            
                                                            
 8119 BOOZE - WINE                                            



An old etymologist from Calcutta,                           
While making notes from some old data,                      
Set aside his ink pen;                                      
Instead of 'wine and women,'                                
Became 'inebriant and inamorata.'                           
                                                            
 8120 BOOZE - WINE                   Sivaramakrishnan         



Julia Child said, "Oh, go to perdition;                     
When I cook I invoke one condition.                         
I cook with and drink wine,                                 
As on each meal I dine,                                     
For I starved when we had Prohibition."                     
                                                            
 8121 BOOZE - WINE                   Loren C Fitzhugh         



There was a blonde boy child                                
Who was unmistakeably wild.                                 
When the boy grew up,                                       
He kept wine in his cup,                                    
And kept all those near to him riled.                       
                                                            
 8122 BOOZE - WINE                   Gaila Rae          TP9806



As Percival Plonker grew older                              
His bouquet quite tended to moulder.                        
He had much madderise,  (??)                                
Than most other guys                                        
And was quite often ullaged to shoulder.  (spillage, loss)  
                                                            
 8123 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Expensive red wine?  Well, perhaps so.                      
But why not try vino collapso?                              
It's cheeky and cheerful;                                   
The price isn't fearfull;                                   
Though overindulge and you'll crap so.                      
                                                            
 8124 BOOZE - WINE                   Peter Wilkins            



Dining out with old Kieth Floyd                             
Is something we all should avoid.                           
Everything's fine                                           
Till we come to the wine,                                   
And then he's a right hemorrhoid.                           
                                                            
 8125 BOOZE - WINE                   Bill Wall                



Whether you are 0+ or 0->,                                  
If ever your spirits should fail,                           
You can cheer yourself up                                   
By a good claret cup                                        
Or even by supping so0->.                                   
                                                            
 8126 BOOZE - WINE                   Harold C Bibby           



There was a young girl called Drusilla,                     
Who grew up in a very posh villa.                           
She dropped out of college                                  
Without too much knowledge,                                 
But gained a liking for manzanilla!                         
(manzanilla - a very dry sherry)                            
 8127 BOOZE - WINE                   Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a robust koala                               
With a penchant for Marsala.                                
He would knock it back                                      
And then make a track                                       
For the nearest massage parlor.                             
(Spanish or Portuguese fortified wine)                      
 8128 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



When tariffs got high for the vender,                       
No fruits of the vine could he render.                      
No wine IMBIBITION                                          
Brought on this condition;                                  
They call mead "The Grape Pretender."                       
                                                            
 8129 BOOZE - WINE                   Gary Hallock             



When presenting a mellow Merlot,                            
You'd think they could refrain, but No!                     
Servers frequently mock                                     
My ears with crass shock-                                   
ing, most unpleasant phrase, "There yah go!"                
                                                            
 8130 BOOZE - WINE                   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



I suppose there are those that drink wine                   
Every time that they sit down to dine.                      
Well, that's alright, I guess,                              
But it leads, I confess,                                    
To a mess after glass number nine.                          
                                                            
 8131 BOOZE - WINE                   Neal Wilgus         P8403



Let loose in the royal enclosure,                           
Piers totally lost his composure.                           
After far too much Meursault,  (Chateau premier white wine) 
He came over queer, so                                      
What happened?  A flash of exposure.                        
                                                            
 8132 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Try this Yuletide libation divine,                          
To be drunk standing, sitting, supine.                      
Buy a jug, open it.                                         
Mull it over a bit.                                         
Heat, add spices -- Mulled Wine!                            
                                                            
 8133 BOOZE - WINE                   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



"The table's set and we wine ought,                         
But we've wine nought," he cried. "Why not?"                
"Why not!" cried she,                                       
"Wine nought have we.                                       
Whine not at me. Your fist why knot?"                       
                                                            
 8134 BOOZE - WINE                   Irving Superior     P8604



I've drank too much raspberry wine,                         
And am just about ready to rhyme,                           
So I shall compose,                                         
Some fabulous prose,                                        
Burp... maybe some other time.                              
                                                            
 8135 BOOZE - WINE                                            



When expecting erotic delight,                              
Make sure that the wine is just right.                      
You should always have red,                                 
With brunettes in your bed,                                 
But with blondes, just be certain it's white.               
                                                            
 8136 BOOZE - WINE                   Isaac Asimov             



In Holland lived a handsome young guy                       
Whose libido count was way too high.                        
So to meet with his pleas,                                  
He offered girls cheese,                                    
And red wine too, in case it was dry.                       
                                                            
 8137 BOOZE - WINE                                            



I sip my favorite wine                                      
Each time that I sup or dine.                               
Red is the best                                             
I've determined in test;                                    
With all dishes it goes just fine.                          
                                                            
 8138 BOOZE - WINE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was once a man from Flagstaff,                        
Who drank wine from a carafe and a half.                    
When advised to reduce                                      
The bubbly juice,                                           
He'd wink his eye and just laugh.                           
                                                            
 8139 BOOZE - WINE                   Edwin J Weinstein        



There's red and there's white, but no pink.                 
For guests who prefer pink to drink,                        
Mix red wine with white,                                    
But if late at night,                                       
In white drop a drop of red ink.                            
                                                            
 8140 BOOZE - WINE                   Irving Superior     P9710



The courts, Japan, give drunks no break.                    
If you've a yen for saki's sake,                            
Since yens take yen,                                        
They fine you then                                          
Your yen for saki you forsake.                              
                                                            
 8141 BOOZE - WINE                   Irving Superior     P8403



A bloody good drink is Sangria;                             
It's less filling that cream ale or bia;                    
It's low-calorie,                                           
Has more vitamin C,                                         
And it knocks you flat on your ria!                         
                                                            
 8142 BOOZE - WINE                   Robin K. Willoughby P8403



A Scotsman emerged from the loo                             
To find a young Magyar in view.                             
"I just canna think                                         
Why you're here - have a drink.                             
I expect you'll want Tokay the noo."  (wine grape)          
                                                            
 8143 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



She was not a bit dumpy or frumpy.                          
Where it mattered the most, she was lumpy.                  
What a girl about town!                                     
What a joy to lay down!                                     
What a marvelous mouthful of Scrumpy.  (rough cider)        
                                                            
 8144 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



In the south west of England it's clear                     
That scrumpy's more popular than beer.                      
In the evenings we troop,                                   
Risking cider-drinkers droop                                
To the pub, for a pint of good cheer.                       
(scrumpy - strong apple cider)                              
 8145 BOOZE - WINE                   Tiddy Ogg                



In Dorset the tree roots they spray                         
With scrumpy each 15th of May                               
In the hope that the flow                                   
Will make the tree grow,                                    
As to the tree spirit they pray.                            
                                                            
 8146 BOOZE - WINE                   Tiddy Ogg                



And though non-believers may hoot,                          
In Dorset a shotgun they shoot                              
In the branches, to fright                                  
Any evil tree sprite,                                       
Who'll prevent it producing good fruit.                     
                                                            
 8147 BOOZE - WINE                   Tiddy Ogg                



And following this celebration,                             
There's usually much fornication.                           
For with scrumpy juice                                      
Inhibitions are loosed,                                     
And they're at it with no hesitation.                       
                                                            
 8148 BOOZE - WINE                                            



The level of fun is in rapid decline;                       
Morale is quite low, the outlook's not fine.                
So in Lisbon we party                                       
With cabaret hearty;                                        
They send us away with two bottles of wine.                 
                                                            
 8149 BOOZE - WINE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A maid and a letch known as Dwight,                         
Chanced to play in his hot tub one night.                   
But the evening was spoiled                                 
When she got him oiled,                                     
So she ate him.  For wine she chose white.                  
                                                            
 8150 BOOZE - WINE                   Jim Lambert              



Once my Leda enjoyed drinking wine,                         
And everything would have been fine,                        
But she gave in to sin                                      
And began drinking gin.                                     
Now she's horny and acting bovine.                          
                                                            
 8151 BOOZE - WINE                   Bohdan                   



Now Leda, she really loves wine                             
In bottles.  The fruit of the vine                          
Turns her mind to mush,                                     
When tucked in her tush,                                    
About six or eight inches or nine.                          
                                                            
 8152 BOOZE - WINE                   Cyber Wizard             



Now Leda, she really loves wine;                            
A gallon or so is just fine.                                
Then she gets randy                                         
And strips real handy,                                      
And gives us a view that's divine!                          
                                                            
 8153 BOOZE - WINE                   CM                       



Now Leda, she really loves wine.                            
When she drinks it, she tends to recline.                   
Her pen pals in UK                                          
Have been known to say:                                     
That the view that she gives is divine.                     
                                                            
 8154 BOOZE - WINE                   Jeanie                   



I'm a frog and you may hear reports                         
That I imbibe wine by the quarts.                           
Well, I like a good sherry;                                 
I'll inhale boysenberry.                                    
If you love me, accept all my warts.                        
                                                            
 8155 BOOZE - WINE                   Al Willis           P9710



When a certain young woman named Terry,                     
Got drunk on a small sip of sherry,                         
She'd insist upon games,                                    
With embarrassing names,                                    
Not in any refined dictionary.                              
                                                            
 8156 BOOZE - WINE                   Isaac Asimov             



By imbibing a tumbler of Sherry                             
I can help a sad heart to be merry.                         
Though to some that's a lot,                                
I am hardly a sot.                                          
If I get a bit giddy -- not very.                           
                                                            
 8157 BOOZE - WINE                   R. J. Winkler       P8403



A sleep after wine is just fine;                            
I like it fine when you have wine.                          
Although I will bulge,                                      
I dare not indulge,                                         
Until you have signed I may dine!                           
                                                            
 8158 BOOZE - WINE                                            



Miranda, remember the inn,                                  
Where we drank that tart wine from the skin?                
Then we slept in the straw                                  
Where the fleas made us sore                                
And the peasantry made such a din.                          
(Hilaire Belloc, Tarantella)                                
 8159 BOOZE - WINE                   John Stanley             



There was a gay vintner named Hines                         
Who produced some magnificent whines,                       
By opening the knickers                                     
Of manly young pickers                                      
And squeezing their grapes and their vines.                 
                                                            
 8160 BOOZE - WINE                   Bob Giandomenico    P9111



I said to the missus, "Oh gosh!                             
We are really quite low on the dosh.                        
Bye-bye prestige cuvee;                                     
Let us jump 'neath our duvet                                
And go wild as we drink Stellenbosch."                      
(South African wine from the West Cape)                     
 8161 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There was an old maid of Vancouver,                         
Who captured a man by maneuver.                             
She jumped on his knee                                      
With some rare eau de vie,                                  
And nothing on earth could remove her.                      
                                                            
 8162 BOOZE - WINE                                            



I once knew a fellow who chose                              
To sip wine through the end of his nose.                    
He said that the pleasure                                   
Was quite beyond measure,                                   
And curled up the ends of his toes.                         
                                                            
 8163 BOOZE - WINE                   John Pickersgill         



And if the wine was a French 'un,                           
His hair would stand up at attention.                       
But a husky dry red                                         
Taken just before bed,                                      
Had results that we don't care to mention.                  
                                                            
 8164 BOOZE - WINE                   John Pickersgill         



I know of an old Muscovite                                  
Whose morals collapse when she's tight.                     
With two quarts of Tokay,                                   
She claims that it's okay                                   
To screw all the rest of the night.                         
                                                            
 8165 BOOZE - WINE                   Armand E Singer       155



In vino, they say, veritas,                                 
Too much, though, when you're with a lass,                  
Will cause brewer's droop,                                  
You just can't recoup                                       
The chance of a fine piece of ass.                          
                                                            
 8166 BOOZE - WINE                                            



I've just had some cider called Inch's,                     
And say from experience, it pinches                         
One's sexual libido,                                        
To Her I must say "No,                                      
Right now, love, I'm down to three inches."                 
                                                            
 8167 BOOZE - WINE                                            



Fred used to sing, "I've a cellar,                          
A cellar with Valpolicella.  (red Italian wine)             
A massive Jacuzzi,                                          
A full-breasted floozy,                                     
And a series of portraits by Kneller."                      
                                                            
 8168 BOOZE - WINE                   Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



When reading The Times in New York,                         
At the ads I am liable to gawk.                             
I see bottles of wine                                       
Folks drink when they dine;                                 
I can't afford even the cork.                               
                                                            
 8169 BOOZE - WINE                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



At last I've seduced the au pair                            
On steak and a chocolate eclair,                            
Some peas and some chips,                                   
Three Miracle Whips,                                        
And a carafe of vin ordinaire.                              
                                                            
 8170 BOOZE - WINE                   Cyril Ray           P8301



"I just lie," said the souse to the sleuth,                 
"It's a habit I learned in my youth;                        
But I cannot conceal                                        
It was I at the wheel;                                      
Yikes, that wine makes me tell you the truth!"              
                                                            
 8171 BOOZE - WINE                   Mark Levy           P9710



When engaged in the giving of head,                         
Should the wine be rose, white or red?                      
White (goes well with fish)                                 
Red (the robust meat dish)                                  
Or Rose for that dry cheese instead?                        
                                                            
 8172 BOOZE - WINE                                            



She pleasured herself below ground,                         
With a  wine bottle pushed in her mound.                    
The result of the motion                                    
Was the bottle's explosion,                                 
And the cork, it has never been found.                      
                                                            
 8173 BOOZE - WINE                                            



A wine with a certain charm,                                
Is disposed to hepatic harm.                                
That I cannot stand                                         
But in great demand,                                        
Goes by the name of "Boone Farm".                           
                                                            
 8174 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Chris Papa               



Some Gallo wines, I have heard,                             
Are good, with high prices, absurd.                         
The jug that you had,                                       
That made you so bad,                                       
Was most likely, raw "Thunderbird".                         
                                                            
 8175 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Chris Papa               



There once was a beauty called Sally;                       
They voted her Miss Napa Valley.                            
Then she married.  Their son                                
They named Opus One.                                        
By Opus Fifteen they'd lost talley.                         
                                                            
 8176 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Miss Toccata, a bit of a Gorgon,                            
Was playing a fugue on the organ.                           
Then she pulled out the stops                               
And had a few drops                                         
Of a passable vintage of Morgan.  (Monterrey California)    
                                                            
 8177 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Ignoring the trade brands so swell,                         
As any good wino can tell,                                  
When push comes to shove,                                   
There nothing above                                         
A belt of some fine muscatel!                               
                                                            
 8178 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Chris Papa               



Your erudite oenophilia                                     
Makes my plight seem even sillier.                          
But all will be well                                        
When I drink muscatel,                                      
'Cause enough of that T'bird will kill ya.                  
                                                            
 8179 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Norm                     



When the time came for Cecil to pass on,                    
His wife at the wake drank Paul Masson.(Calif mass producer)
Now Cecil's in Hell                                         
Where they drink Hirondelle,  (Bordeaux chateau)            
And Gallo is greatly in fashion.  (Giant Calif producer)    
                                                            
 8180 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Suzanne, quite a bird, used to stipple                      
The words "Have a drink" 'round each nipple.                
He bosom friend Kirsty                                      
Once said, "I feel thirsty,                                 
But not for quite that sort of Ripple."                     
(a particularly nauseous alcoholic type soft drink)         
 8181 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



When going to sleep I count mouton                          
Or pheasants, should there be a shoot on.                   
If I still cannot sleep,                                    
I watch some Stag's Leap.  (Calif wine)                     
Now that's something I'd spend hard-earned loot on.         
                                                            
 8182 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A real connoisseur so I've heard,                           
Who juice of the red grape preferred,                       
Until hard times came                                       
And his drink became                                        
Bagged bottle of brisk Thunderbird.                         
                                                            
 8183 BOOZE - WINE - CALIF           Chris Papa               



An aging young lady called Betty                            
Got married and stood on a jetty.                           
She said, "Thank God I'm spliced.                           
Get the Bollinger iced                                      
While I cover myself in confetti."                          
                                                            
 8184 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Chardonnay, Soave, and Chablis                              
With bubbles do wonders for me.                             
They perk up my stalk,                                      
Till I'm popping my cork.                                   
Even better's Champagne, you agree?                         
                                                            
 8185 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Peter Wilkins            



A bibulous chap from Duquesne,                              
Drank a whole jeraboam of champagne.                        
Said he with a laugh,                                       
As he quaffed the last quaff,                               
"I tried to get drunk, but in vain."                        
                                                            
 8186 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE                                



Napoleon's Russian campaign,                                
Became before long, a damn pain;                            
But sweet Josephine                                         
Helped him hide from the scene                              
By soaking her pants in Champagne.                          
                                                            
 8187 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Norm Storer         P9710



Lord Peter, you won't offer in vain                         
Some wee drink to us, make it champagne.                    
As we're ladies (we are!                                    
Men do say, near and far...)                                
We don't booze! (At least that is our aim...)               
                                                            
 8188 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE                                



For your sword we'll take care after this.                  
Just a month? You will see that the bliss                   
We are able to give                                         
Is much longer to live,                                     
And you'll never forget our kiss...                         
                                                            
 8189 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE                                



...In those places where sun doesn't shine.                 
We're artistic, just call us divine.                        
Hope you care for a muff                                    
With your tea, and above;                                   
Like to sip it for more than one time.                      
                                                            
 8190 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE                                



A gourmet from Alsace Lorraine,                             
Loved to mix his beer with champagne.                       
He would froth it all up                                    
With cracked ice in a cup,                                  
Then pour it all down the next drain.                       
                                                            
 8191 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Mike O'Conner            



A cautious young lady named Knopp                           
Put a cork in her cunt for a stop.                          
But it caused undue strain                                  
When she opened champagne:                                  
She got fucked when a man heard it pop.                     
                                                            
 8192 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Albin Chaplin 3024  G2391



"A hangover?" asked Mrs. Powers.                            
Her husband explained that in showers                       
And downpours that night,                                   
The plush champagne flight                                  
Had circled O'Hare for three hours.                         
                                                            
 8193 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       A. N. Wilkins       P9005



Champagne was her only type booze,                          
But the bottles she'd always abuse                          
By using her snatch                                         
To open a batch:                                            
It seems she was fond of cork screws.                       
                                                            
 8194 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE                                



I once met a gal from Vancouver                             
Who said Champagne was likely to move her                   
In shameless intrusions                                     
On reckless protrusions,                                    
In the manner of Kenmore and Hoover.                        
                                                            
 8195 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Eric Hinds               



I tried Sauvignon Blanc, Vodka cooler,                      
And Aste Spimonte to fool her.                              
"The matter is moot.                                        
If you can't fill my flute,                                 
I'll move one to a classier suitor!"                        
                                                            
 8196 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Eric Hinds               



A headhunter baised in St Ives                              
Disposed of a series of wives.                              
He'd good sense, had this murderer;                         
He served Louis Roederer,  (very very expensive)            
So his wives had the deaths of their lives.                 
                                                            
 8197 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Though virginal, bashful and plain,                         
I'm drunk as a skunk on champagne!                          
Let's meet for a quickie                                    
And get hot and sticky,                                     
Before you get back on the train.                           
                                                            
 8198 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE                                



An oenophile based in Torquay                               
Gave up sex when he hit ninety-three,                       
"But I'll never abandon                                     
My Moet and Chandon;  (very expensive)                      
In my will I have left it to me.                            
                                                            
 8199 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A young lady was fond of a stunt;                           
She took off her clothes in a punt;                         
And uncorking champagne,                                    
And without any shame,                                      
She sprayed it all over her front.                          
                                                            
 8200 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Bertie                   



Your massage of my poor aching feet,                        
Is causing my anger to retreat.                             
If the champagne you'd trickle,                             
To cause that sweet tickle,                                 
Then all'd be forgiven, Sweet Pete.                         
                                                            
 8201 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Jim Weaver Collection    



"As to fizz", said my great uncle Nico,                     
(Dear old buffer but rather a thicko)                       
"When my Moet's all gone,                                   
I drink Dom Perignon,                                       
Or that ravishing widow Veuve Clicquot."                    
(V C - another champagne also called 'the widow'.)          
 8202 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE       Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Seems years since we saw you, dear Jayne,                   
So I've poured us a glass of Champagne.                     
With your figure so neat                                    
And so sweetly petite,                                      
You still cause me great underwear strain.                  
                                                            
 8203 BOOZE - WINE - CHAMPAGNE                                



When acting in the Mikado,                                  
I spotted Brigitte Bardot.                                  
She was licking a Walls                                     
At the front of the stalls                                  
And sippping Amontillado.  (pale dry sherry)                
                                                            
 8204 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A Lothario threatened his squeeze,                          
As they frolicked around 'neath the trees.                  
"If you play hard to get,                                   
I shall grab you, my pet,                                   
And force feed you with Beames-de-Venise."  (chateau)       
                                                            
 8205 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



To a flirty young girl from Marseilles,                     
Said her uncle, the vintner, "Some day                      
Some one of your fellas                                     
May start to grow jealous,                                  
And ask you just which Beaujolais!"                         
                                                            
 8206 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Internet Lim Coll   P9708



I never would drink Beychevelle  (Bordeaux chateau)         
In a restaurant or a hotel.                                 
I dislike wasting loot,                                     
But if, dear old fruit,                                     
You're paying do give me a bell.                            
                                                            
 8207 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A bald undertaker called Harve                              
Was quite indescribably suave.                              
He would not say a word                                     
While the stiff was interred,                               
But unearthed a half bottle of Graves.                      
(Chateau Bouscaut Graves)                                   
 8208 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A steward on board the Titantic                             
As she sank said, "Milady, don't panic.                     
It's the lifeboat for you.                                  
Leave your Branaire Ducru,  (Chateau Branaire, very old)    
Which frankly, your Grace, is too tannic."                  
(Cabernet Sauvignon producer in Bordeaux)                   
 8209 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Prunella was perfectly pure,                                
Quite depressingly dull and demure.                         
Then Rupert the rotter                                      
Grabbed hold of and got her                                 
With a gallon of Calon-Segur.  (chateau)                    
                                                            
 8210 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Said Amanda, a peach of a girl,                             
"I go ape if I drink Cantemerle."  (chateau near Bordeaux)  
Her ape said, "Amanda,                                      
May I speak with candor?                                    
I have some.  Let's give it a whirl.                        
                                                            
 8211 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



The surgeon looked at the machine                           
And said, "Let me tell you, old bean,                       
The result of your scan,                                    
And I speak man to man;                                     
The trouble lies in your Chasse-Spleen."                    
(chateau where Lord Byron claimed spleen trouble cured)     
 8212 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A Bordelais bugger elite                                    
Hoarded bottles for anal receipt.                           
The class of his ass                                        
Admitted of glass                                           
Only magnums of Chateau Lafitte!                            
                                                            
 8213 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Dick Buenger        P8301



A lass, if plied with Chateauneuf  (chateau in Provence)    
Will willy-nilly hit the turf.                              
You can have great fun                                      
With a nice sixty-one,                                      
But more with a soixante-neuf.                              
                                                            
 8214 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Dear Archie, We went on a cruise                            
'Cross the Channel in search of cheap booze.                
Easy trip -- Eurotunnels;                                   
Stacked the car to the gunwhales.                           
Broke an axle.  Love Jane.  No more news.                   
                                                            
 8215 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



While Jane had a douche on her own,                         
Will arrived, so she wasn't alone.                          
With a kiss on the bouche,                                  
He produced Clos des Mouches,  (chateau)                    
And she cried, "That's a bit near the Beaune."              
                                                            
 8216 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Hiawatha observed to his squaw                              
Minnehaha, "The wines of Cahors  (wine region)              
Are extremely intense,                                      
Just like us in one sense."                                 
And he let out an enormous guffaw.                          
                                                            
 8217 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Une fille, tres jolie, de Dauphin                           
N'utilse que Chabli dans le bain,                           
And some vigorous boys,                                     
With whose help she enjoys                                  
(A son gout exotique) coq-au-vin.                           
                                                            
 8218 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Keith MacMillan       81b



A spinster from Southend-on-Sea                             
Was oenocologically twee.                                   
She often would say                                         
Of her pink negligee,                                       
"It's my dear little Cotes de Nuit."  (Burgundian red)      
                                                            
 8219 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There once was a stripper called Fleur                      
Who could hardly be termed "en primeur".  (first class)     
Though she spent her life tannin',                          
She could not bet a man in.                                 
Perhaps she was corked, as it were?                         
                                                            
 8220 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A conservative lover called Leon                            
Was fond of a glass of Haut Brion.  (chateau)               
His girlfriends position                                    
Was always La Mission --  (maybe Mexican or Calif wine?)    
She wasn't as pretty as Ffion.  (??)                        
                                                            
 8221 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A mother whose hair was embossed,                           
Thought her six year old daughter was lost,                 
'Til she found little Nellie --                             
She was making fruit jelly                                  
With her father's best Grand-Puy-Lacoste.  (chateau)        
                                                            
 8222 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Chuck used to be frightfully dapper                         
Before he found out about Grappa.  (distilled wine crude)   
Now from here to eternity,                                  
It's bye-bye fraternity;                                    
Adios to pi-beta-kappa.                                     
                                                            
 8223 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



The wine buff was striking a pose,                          
"Why this has a flirtatious nose,                           
As it's somewhat retrousse.                                 
Quite frankly, would you say,                               
"It's a skittish young Gruaud-Larose?"  (Bordeaux chateau)  
                                                            
 8224 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Seems Europe is suffering with heat;                        
It won't be a good year for wheat.                          
But all over France                                         
And Spain they will dance,                                  
Not for rain, but for grapes that are sweet.                
                                                            
 8225 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Carol                    



A sadist who lived in Saltash                               
Was extremely adept with the lash.                          
He would flog poor old Hector,                              
A keen wine collector,                                      
Then then he would flog his La Tache.  (Burgundy chateau)   
                                                            
 8226 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



"Do not drink that," said cousin Pete,                      
"I am saving that for a special treat."                     
"Here's to Pete," his widow spake,                          
As they drank it at the wake.                               
It was only '43 Lafite.  (Chateau Lafite-Rothschild)        
                                                            
 8227 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A newly wed lad from Arbroath,                              
Just after he plighted his troth,                           
Murmured, "Flora my sweet,                                  
Let us try some Lafite.  (Chateau Lafite-Rothschild)        
I hope you enjoy my first growth."                          
                                                            
 8228 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A charted surveyor, an ass,                                 
Came across a commodious lass.                              
For months he surveyed her                                  
And then when he'd laid her,                                
He coveyed her a case of Las Cases.                         
(Chateau Leoville-Las-Cases)                                
 8229 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There once was a naughty old fag                            
Who, when dining with chums, used to brag                   
That if offered Latour,  (Bordeaux chateau)                 
He would secretly pour                                      
Some in his colostomy bag.                                  
                                                            
 8230 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A bottle of le Montrachet  (Bergundian chateau for whites)  
Retains a certain cachet.                                   
It goes well with sole,                                     
But on the whole,                                           
Not with bangers and mash, eh?                              
                                                            
 8231 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



I was not far from having a fit, sir,                       
While drinking at Maurie's Barmitzvah.                      
'Twas Le Pez '61,  (legendary Bordeaux chateau)             
Then some son of a gun                                      
Insisted on having a spritzer.                              
                                                            
 8232 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



"Do have a sip," I began.                                   
"Just a very small sip if you can.                          
Don't think me mean,                                        
But I'd better come clean.                                  
The name of the wine is Le Pin."  (frog village same name)  
                                                            
 8233 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



We are tearing ourselves from the plage                     
And are off to Bordeaux.  The vendange                      
Has begun.  Marry japes,                                    
Stamp our toes on the grapes --                             
Can you taste us in this year's Lynch-Bages.  (Bordeaux)    
                                                            
 8234 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A Frenchman looked up at the moon                           
And said, "Zey are playing our tune."                       
His friend Lily, she said,                                  
"Eet has gone to my 'ead,                                   
Pas la lune, pas la tune, mais Lagune."  (Bordeaux region)  
(not the moon, not the tune, but Lagune!)                   
 8235 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Viscount Tipple, a gentleman farmer,                        
Entirely agreed with his llama.                             
They placed an embargo                                      
On all other Margaux,  (chateau)                            
But thought Palmer an absolute charmer.  (??)               
                                                            
 8236 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A Lesbian lady from Luton                                   
Used to walk 'round her home with one boot on.              
She would tie up her friend                                 
And then peacefully spend                                   
The whole afternoon drinking Mouton.                        
(chateau Mouton-Rothschild)                                 
 8237 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A greasy old wino named Ray                                 
Gave the dollar Lotto a play.                               
Son of a bitch!                                             
The bum struck it rich                                      
And now he swills Mouton-Cadet.  (chateau)                  
                                                            
 8238 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            John Chastaine           



Mr Pratt is a bad tempered cat,                             
Who is also as blind as a bat.                              
If you feed him, he'll bite                                 
Your hand with delight.                                     
So I beg you do not a Noilly Prat.  (the orignal Vermoth)   
                                                            
 8239 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



I think I will always remember                              
When Kev made his pile last November.                       
"Give them Nouveau all round!"  (fresh wine - no character) 
You could not hear a sound                                  
From the club that had made him a member.                   
                                                            
 8240 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



I'll admit,  I have not drunk French <spit>.                
My dad said it tasted like shit.                            
But my brother makes wine                                   
And some are divine.                                        
Perhaps you could ask him 'bout it.                         
                                                            
 8241 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Liam na Beag             



Old Labour used to drink shandy,                            
But that's not for Tony and Mandy.                          
Tony who's heterous                                         
Always drinks Petrus,  (rotgut brandy, also chateau)        
While randy old Mandy drinks brandy.                        
                                                            
 8242 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A dentist was deep into drilling                            
A modern young lass who was willing.                        
"Do", he said, "hold my hand.                               
Try some Pichon-Lalande                                     
While I finish your root canal filling."                    
(Bordeaux chateau and village)                              
 8243 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



I shall never forget dear old Pa.                           
He was happiest propping a bar.                             
With his nice cheery face --                                
Not a hair out of place --                                  
All thanks to his favorite Pommard.  (Chateau coarse red)   
                                                            
 8244 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



There was a young filly called Fanny,                       
Who gave vin de table to her nanny.                         
With a beau worth a billion,                                
They imbibed St Emilion,  (claret from Bordeaux chateau)    
With a nice Pontet-Canet for granny.  (Bordeaux chateau)    
                                                            
 8245 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Pouilly Fuisse '69                                          
Is known as a hell of a wine.                               
But a similar number                                        
Done with Miss Cumber                                       
Was found to be equally fine.                               
                                                            
 8246 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Stan                     



Do smoke while you drink my Latour.  (Burgundian chateau)   
That is just what a first growth is for.                    
It's a pity to waste it                                     
Even though you can't taste it.                             
But wouldn't you rather have Pouilly-Fume instead?          
(dry white wine know elsewhere as Sauvignon)                
 8247 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



She said that my sperm tastes like wine,                    
(Pussy-Foosay or Cha-bliss -- which is mine?)               
This broad's got great taste --                             
I accept with great haste.                                  
Come!  I'll be your Valentine.                              
                                                            
 8248 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Writerman                



As the vicar stood by the font, he                          
Christened the little lad Monty.                            
Then he drove home full throttle                            
And filled up his bottle                                    
With the very best Romanee-Conti.  (Burgundian chateau)     
                                                            
 8249 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



St John, a lovable ponce,                                   
Retired, and decamped to Provence,                          
Where he quite often chose a                                
Precocious young rose,                                      
Which he kept lightly chilled in two fonts.                 
                                                            
 8250 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



It's so terribly sad about Clare --                         
Sweet, but so vin ordinaire.                                
Whereas Harry's gal, Pru --                                 
A real Premier Cru!                                         
Poor Clare -- she's so frightfully Sancerre.  (chateau)     
                                                            
 8251 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A banker with money to burn                                 
Shouted, "Bring me a glass of Sauternes --                  
The creme de la creme;                                      
Your finest Yquem --  (chateau for sauterne)                
I might just as well drink what I earn."                    
                                                            
 8252 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A second year student at Girton                             
Was frequently seen with no skirt on.                       
She said, "I'm a doll                                       
Who prefers Pomeral.  (wine style)                          
Of that I am Vieux Chateau Certan."  (chateau)              
                                                            
 8253 BOOZE - WINE - FROG            Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Though her hairs were a little bit grey,                    
She had legs and a charming bouquet.                        
She also was graced                                         
With a long aftertaste                                      
And she certainly went all the way.                         
                                                            
 8254 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Each wine has it's own unique flavor,                       
For one to enjoy and to savor;                              
But none can compare                                        
To the one she had there,                                   
And all of the pleasure it gave 'er!                        
                                                            
 8255 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE                                 



When crushing the grapes with bare feet,                    
Beforehand, I washed them complete.                         
Twixt toes. Toenails too;                                   
Because what I do--                                         
Crush grapes for a wine that is sweet.                      
                                                            
 8256 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Irving Superior     P9710



For those that are labeled "non-sweet,"                     
But must in the market compete --                           
Aroma and zest --                                           
They must be the best.                                      
For them I do not wash my feet.                             
                                                            
 8257 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Irving Superior     P9710



Lately I fulfilled a dream of mine                          
Without plucking the fruit from the vine.                   
I used a vintner's kit,                                     
That's how I managed it,                                    
And changed gallons of water to wine.                       
                                                            
 8258 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Loren Fitzhugh      P2005



I once home wine-making tried.                              
Got no alcohol on the inside.                               
Nor vinegar fume.                                           
The smell, I assume,                                        
Was that of a pure aldehyde.                                
                                                            
 8259 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Chris Papa               



It was a dark brew notable;                                 
Described in words unquotable.                              
For, though it looked good,                                 
No aging in wood                                            
Could make that darn stuff potable.                         
                                                            
 8260 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Chris Papa               



Tiny grapes make fine wines I have learned;                 
But be careful, you'll quickly get burned.                  
Fermenting is finickier;                                    
This wine becomes vinegar,                                  
The miniature Bacchus been turned.                          
                                                            
 8261 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE                                 



Our Sue is not really a prude,                              
But never says anything crude;                              
Though she did cross the line                               
When making some wine,                                      
By squashing the grapes in the nude.                        
                                                            
 8262 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Archie                   



She is often called Petrie Dish Sue,                        
Quite organic and dripping with goo;                        
When she's tipsy, she'll splash                             
And plop down in the mash;                                  
Thus providing the yeast for the brew.                      
                                                            
 8263 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Allen Wolverton          



I think I've met your young Sue,                            
Who's nude when she stomps out some brew.                   
She's really quite fine                                     
And always has time                                         
To give head before she doth screw.                         
                                                            
 8264 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Squat                    



Alonza has large grapes to crush;                           
She stomps 'em for red, white, or blush;                    
But sometimes the juice                                     
Will splash and diffuse                                     
Up her thighs to her wine-flavored brush.                   
                                                            
 8265 BOOZE - WINE - HOMEMADE        Mark Levy           P9710



Australian wine's jolly good;                               
I drink a lot more than I should                            
I venture to say,                                           
I could drink it all day.                                   
Goes well with both sex and with food.                      
                                                            
 8266 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION                                 



Now the corner wine merchants got cash                      
For I've bought all the wine I can stash.                   
This wine is so fine,                                       
I'm drunk all the time.                                     
I can cook, will you bring your sweet ash?                  
                                                            
 8267 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION                                 



Bulgarian Wine is the best;                                 
You've tried French, Italian, the rest.                     
You can sip it sedately,                                    
As you ponder how lately,                                   
The others just don't pass the test.                        
                                                            
 8268 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Raymond Taylor           



A Bulgarian man name of Bob,                                
Drank wine from a hollowed-out log.                         
It made it so oakey.                                        
And slightly more smokey,                                   
And he downed it in one great big slog.                     
                                                            
 8269 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Julie O'Conner           



A glutton who went out to dine                              
Drank a quart of Canadian wine.                             
He was later found pissed,                                  
On the critical list,                                       
But the doctors predict he'll do fine.                      
                                                            
 8270 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Hugh Oliver          121a



Forget all that Frenchie wine jive                          
For bringing my taste buds alive.                           
Canuck is best.                                             
I'm very impressed                                          
With vintage Kemptville '55.                                
                                                            
 8271 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION                                 



Now our Leda she does love her wine,                        
But she drove her car into the brine.                       
As she began to sink,                                       
She started to think:                                       
"Is this part of God's great design?"                       
                                                            
 8272 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Bob                      



A lively old man of Madiera                                 
Thought that wine of the heart was a cheerer:               
He often would say,                                         
'Put the bottle this way -                                  
Absent friends! and I wish they were nearer.'               
                                                            
 8273 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Published 1822           



I once truly loved Aussie beer;                             
Those big tall blue cans of sweet cheer;                    
But that stuff gave me gas.                                 
So sit here, my lass,                                       
And "Have some Madeira, my dear!"                           
                                                            
 8274 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Allen Wolverton          



In the West we all drink Swan Lagger,                       
Though some people think I'm a Fagger.                      
Margaret River wines                                        
Are more in my lines,                                       
Though I really prefer a good shagger.                      
                                                            
 8275 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Beau Geste was manning the fort,                      
And was feeling bereft on report,                           
Cause the Arabs used SPAM                                   
As a battering ram,                                         
And would shortly be quaffing his port.                     
                                                            
 8276 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Mike O'Conner            



An old gourmet who'd grown somewhat stout,                  
Felt a twinge and much feared it was gout.                  
"If I drink now," he thought,                               
"Three bottles of port.                                     
It surely will settle the doubt."                           
                                                            
 8277 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Yorick                   



A snort of old port or a quart,                             
Will usually furnish support.                               
For alcohol serves                                          
To bolster the nerves                                       
Of those who need courage to court.                         
                                                            
 8278 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        R. J. Winkler       P8405



The shipmates of Mariner Short:                             
"Though it's true he does not seem the sort.                
In ports Christian or Hindu,                                
He's quite quickly into                                     
Every girl into whom he puts Port.                          
                                                            
 8279 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



Sighed a vintage wine drinker named Norm,                   
While confined by a gale to his dorm,                       
"Since my old wine's run dry,                               
And it's not safe to buy,                                   
I'll drink any port in a storm!"                            
                                                            
 8280 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Prof M-G                 



That night, when you've hung out your stocking,             
From the chimney you'll hear something shocking.            
It might well be Santa,                                     
He's been at the decanter.                                  
And now vintage Port back he's knocking.                    
                                                            
 8281 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Bill Wall                



Courting the ladies with port,                              
For danger you carelessly court.                            
Your avid pursuit                                           
May end in a suit -                                         
A sort of retort in a court.                                
                                                            
 8282 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        R. J. Winkler       P8405



There was a young lady at court,                            
Who said to the King, with a snort,                         
"Was it humor or shyness                                    
That prompted your Highness                                 
To put Spanish Fly in my port?"                             
                                                            
 8283 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        D H Cudmore              



After drinking large measures of port,                      
You may find that you've been caught short.                 
And your miles from the Gents;                              
Well, it seems to make sense --                             
Shove the cork up your ass -- just a thought.               
                                                            
 8284 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Bill Wall                



Overindulgence, SATIETY,                                    
Goes not with the sense of piety.                           
And as for retsina,                                         
I never have seen a                                         
Better reason for sobriety.                                 
                                                            
 8285 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Daniel                   



A gay guy from old Nagasaki,                                
An ostentacious lackey,                                     
Claimed he could eat                                        
The whole US Fleet--                                        
If it weren't for his penchant for saki.                    
                                                            
 8286 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Norm Storer         P9212



In the grape-growing region of Merritt,                     
The grape-stomping maids like to share it.                  
They all go so merry                                        
On Bordeaux and Sherry,                                     
It takes them nine months to de-claret.                     
                                                            
 8287 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        John Mayhood        P9710



Oh Peter, my darling delight,                               
I've had no fun whatever tonight.                           
I'm feeling awry.                                           
My panties are dry.                                         
Please come and set me a-right.                             
                                                            
 8288 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Ericka and Peter Wilkins 



I'm here in the bath, by the way,                           
Waiting for you to come play.                               
I've filled it, you see,                                    
With bubbly Chablis,                                        
For it's coq au vin je voudrais.                            
                                                            
 8289 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Ericka and Peter Wilkins 



You wan't me to come 'round and play?                       
I'll be there with no further delay!                        
If you're still hot and damp,                               
You'll relieve me of cramp                                  
That I've suffered for much of the day.                     
                                                            
 8290 BOOZE - WINE - LOCATION        Ericka and Peter Wilkins 



Be careful when you drink absinthe;                         
It makes people rave and rant.                              
It can cause DEGRINGOLADE                                   
Right on the esplanade;                                     
When you try to get up, you can't.                          
                                                            
 8291 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Norm Brust               



Sophia, a Tuscan Contessa,                                  
Got hitched to a eunuch, God bless her.                     
"Let us drink Amoretto,"  (Italian liqueur almond flavored) 
Sang he.  His falsetto                                      
Quite quickly began to depress her.                         
                                                            
 8292 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



"With beer, Jim, I never will grapple,"                     
Says Jane, "But I might if some chap'll                     
Want me for his lass,                                       
Down many a glass                                           
Of the fermented juice of the apple."                       
                                                            
 8293 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Tiddy Ogg                



I am sorry to let off steam,                                
But there's one thing that does make me scream.             
It's not princess Anne --                                   
I'm rather a fan --                                         
It's Bailey's Irish Cream.  (Irish whiskey liquer)          
                                                            
 8294 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



CHARTREUSE is also a drink;                                 
Made in Grenoble, I think.                                  
Liquor okayed by abbots                                     
Could give you bad habits,                                  
But also might tickle you pink!                             
                                                            
 8295 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Barb                     



Sweet Chaton, there's no need to quail;                     
It's never been basted in ail.                              
So lie back and purr                                        
As I give you a stir                                        
(Or a shake) with the end of my tail.                       
                                                            
 8296 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                          



To be honest, sausage makes me ail;                         
Strasbourgs and Frankforts turn me pale.                    
And I truly am sick                                         
When it's made of garlic,                                   
So I hope yours is just a cock tale?                        
                                                            
 8297 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                          



An au pair called Sarah kept happy                          
With a very large creme de menthe frappe.                   
Then she'd knock back three gins                            
And remark to the twins,                                    
"Would you each change the other one's nappy?"              
                                                            
 8298 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



For the blues, take some Creme-de-Menthe,                   
If taken at nearly full strength.                           
Will take care of your woes.                                
For everyone knows                                          
It brings you much needed nepenthe!                         
                                                            
 8299 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Archie                   



We feel that exotic young Bodd                              
Should give far more thought to his God.                    
He lolls in the garden                                      
With the world's finest hardon,                             
And drips 'creme de menthe' on his prod.                    
                                                            
 8300 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                     G2267



Since stoppin' the wine, I've been bummin'                  
'Til down riverside I went slummin'.                        
Down there by the docks,                                    
The girlies sans frocks                                     
Taught me the best Cider is "Cummin."                       
                                                            
 8301 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                          



The curative powers of hard cider                           
Can be claimed with no offsetting rider.                    
Two glasses dispose                                         
Of a cold in the "NO's"                                     
Of a girl -- and her mother beside her.                     
                                                            
 8302 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Jemstone            P0001



A post Doc on daiquiris had a lock,                         
Liked walnut daiquiris in a crock.                          
No walnuts one day,                                         
Used hickory. They'd say                                    
"Here's your hickory daquiri, Doc!"                         
                                                            
 8303 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Carl A Benz              



Par was a flatulent Swede,                                  
Whose wind gained its strength from his mead.               
He downed one strong batch,                                 
Lit up just one match,                                      
And thank God: 'twas the end of his breed.                  
                                                            
 8304 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Michael Rohaly           



Merrie England discovered no need                           
In the days of the Venerable Bede                           
For acid or pot,                                            
For coke or what not.                                       
Teenagers got high then, on mead.                           
                                                            
 8305 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 A. N. Wilkins       P8605



....In any trad lim that's the most                         
You need, to convert to a toast.                            
And as for the drink,                                       
There's hundreds, I think,                                  
Search google for previous posts.                           
                                                            
 8306 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                          



A drunken old guy from Yankipoo                             
Drank a bottle of cologne shampoo.                          
Said he, "It's perfection,                                  
And helps my erection,                                      
And tastes better than joy-juice Kickapoo."                 
                                                            
 8307 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                     G2749



Upon the killing fields, our host                           
Mid-morning stops to drink a toast,                         
"To those we injure;                                        
One downs King's Ginger,  (exotic liquor with royal assoc)  
Before returning to one's post.                             
                                                            
 8308 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



After running my errands, like you,                         
I like to spend time with my poo-                           
Dles, beagles and cock-                                     
Er spaniels and knock                                       
Back a brewsky or possibly two.                             
                                                            
 8309 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                          



With Mescal I've now come to terms.                         
When I share ajug, my stomach turns.                        
But I've learned from the past                              
To always drink last.                                       
Since it's Early Birds who get the worms.                   
                                                            
 8310 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



I was spending the weekend at Eth's.                        
In the Times we were scanning the deaths.                   
I said, "Eth, dear old friend,                              
If you wish to extend                                       
Your life, then ease up on the meths."                      
                                                            
 8311 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



A barman in bored Bogalusa                                  
Poured drinks for a dame to amusa.                          
For one of his tricks                                       
He used nitro mix...                                        
And the bomb squad was called to defusa.                    
                                                            
 8312 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Hugh Oliver         A057A



An old drunk of old Aberdeen,                               
Saw witches and ghosts on Halloween.                        
Couldn't sleep at night                                     
Such was his fright;                                        
Swore off booze, drank only gasoline.                       
                                                            
 8313 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A hopeless old wino named Hamm                              
Would sip from an old can of Spam.                          
When asked "What's the blend?"                              
Said, "Have some my friend.                                 
It's fermented snot and toe jam."                           
                                                            
 8314 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 H Welchel                



A hard-drinking fellow one morn                             
Felt standard libations were worn.                          
With magnesium milk                                         
He mixed Vodka or ilk;                                      
Thus the 'Phillips Screwdriver' was born.                   
                                                            
 8315 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Macsam                   



Hooray!  There's a party a Jim's.                           
What a riot!  He always serves Pimms.                       
It's a bundle of fun                                        
With his Pimms No. 1.  (premixed blended cocktail)          
He's from Essex but lives in South Mimms.                   
                                                            
 8316 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



The Pope drank a gallon of brandy,                          
And that made him feel very randy.                          
He pinced a girl's bum,                                     
Molested a nun,                                             
So now he will drink only shandy.                           
                                                            
 8317 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Anon                     



A drunken old bum from Parsnippany                          
When loaded would wind up in Whippany.                      
He'd down Sneaky Pete                                       
Bay Rum mixed or neat,                                      
And gulp it, too drunk just to sip any.                     
                                                            
 8318 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Armand E Singer       295



A keen young director of Avery                              
Kept his female assistant in slavery.                       
He murmured, "I'm fond                                      
But you must stay in bond --                                
That's the way that I find you most savoury."               
                                                            
 8319 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



When drinking the products of ferment,                      
How could I much care what defer meant?                     
Tip jug of tequila;                                         
At bottom reveal a                                          
Surprise when you find a small worm in't.                   
                                                            
 8320 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Gary Hallock             



The first tequila was fast,                                 
But I made the second one last.                             
But three, four, and five                                   
Have brought me alive!                                      
This tequila stuff's really a blast!                        
                                                            
 8321 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Stephen Cordwell         



The quitila may have gone to my head,                       
'Cause I can't sleep in this blinning sped.                 
The chinks were so dreep                                    
That I made a swean cleep,                                  
Now I think I'd be detter off bead.                         
                                                            
 8322 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Stephen Cordwell         



Permit me to orate laconic,                                 
Whilst I savor my gin and my tonic.                         
Tequila's for boozers,                                      
Itinerant losers.                                           
Adult beverages -- oxymoronic!                              
                                                            
 8323 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Stephen Cordwell.        



Complaining the measures were meagre,                       
Young Igor on visiting Riga,                                
Said, "Vodka in Omsk,                                       
Vladivostok and Tomsk                                       
Comes in measures a bloody sight beeger."                   
                                                            
 8324 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Peter Wilkins            



Should gin on the breath cause a turn-off,                  
Then offer your friends only Smirnoff.                      
Or try Absolut;                                             
But were I, my friend, you,                                 
I would let half the alcohol burn off.                      
                                                            
 8325 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Alistair Sampson Liq Lims



Thass wot vokka evenshully duzzed,                          
It makes the old brain get all fuzzed.                      
But I'm sad for their plight;                               
They must fight a good fight,                               
And avoid getting maudlin while buzzed.                     
                                                            
 8326 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a old man from Turkey                        
Who acted and spoke very quirky.                            
He'd drink Absolut,                                         
And spread out his loot,                                    
'Cause he loved girls young and perky!"                     
                                                            
 8327 BOOZE - ZOTHER                 Anon                     



I've had a few drinks, guess it's time                      
To go to the NG where rhyme                                 
Is important at best,                                       
But with all the rest,                                      
I'll settle for vodka with lime.                            
                                                            
 8328 BOOZE - ZOTHER                                          



My penis goes into your anus                                
And travels a journey most heinous.                         
All the way through your colon                              
With head that is swollen,                                  
And drenches your mucus membranous.                         
                                                            
 8329 BUGGERY                                                 



Since then, all the Arabs are queer,                        
Though keeping a woman quite near                           
For having the young 'uns,                                  
Who're good for some tonguin's                              
And blessed with a fuckable rear.                           
                                                            
 8330 BUGGERY                                                 



There once was a banana called Stanley,                     
Who thought he was terribly manly,                          
Because his nice skin                                       
Could be shoved right in                                    
The ass of Jeremy Hanley.                                   
                                                            
 8331 BUGGERY                        Jim Weaver Collection    



At a dance, a gay lost his shoe.                            
"Oh my Lance, what should I do?"                            
"It's right over there --                                   
Bend over with flair,                                       
And I'll drive you to Kalamazoo!                            
                                                            
 8332 BUGGERY                        FGO                TP9802



Have you heard of the man from New York                     
Who held up his balls with a fork?                          
In an asshole he'd bugger                                   
Without any rubber,                                         
This New York man with a big dork.                          
                                                            
 8333 BUGGERY                                                 



I'm often discovered exploring                              
The box of a beast worth adoring,                           
Like a heifer, or doe,                                      
But the males I forego,                                     
Since buggery's blatantly boring.                           
                                                            
 8334 BUGGERY                        Tiddy Ogg                



"Let's get to the Alamo soon,"                              
Said Crockett to trailblazer Boone,                         
"And you drop your pants                                    
To take my long lance,                                      
Then we'll play 'The Man In The Moon.'"                     
                                                            
 8335 BUGGERY                        Travis Brasell           



There was an old bastard named Mott,                        
By the vilest of fates he was wrought.                      
He was born of skulduggery,                                 
A product of buggery,                                       
And was born through the ass, not the twat.                 
                                                            
 8336 BUGGERY                        Albin Chaplin 3024  G1017



Let Us Now Praise Famous Men,                               
Such as existed now and then.                               
The current crop                                            
Are all assholes and slop,                                  
With a very marked buggery yen.                             
                                                            
 8337 BUGGERY                                            G1013



A banker, hardpressed, name of Paul,                        
The handwriting saw on the wall.                            
He was broke and demented,                                  
So his asshole he rented,                                   
With a charge for an early withdrawal.                      
                                                            
 8338 BUGGERY                        Albin Chaplin   3024-0944



There once was a young man named Scotty,                    
Who was thought to be fond of biscotti,                     
But his sweet tooth was lacking.                            
When he spoke of fudge packing,                             
He alluded to something quite naughty.                      
                                                            
 8339 BUGGERY                        Robert Elliot            



You say that I can't rhyme disposal,                        
But I do know just what this hose'll                        
Do to your bowels.                                          
Quick! Get some towels                                      
And an airtight bag for disposal.                           
                                                            
 8340 BUGGERY                        Jim Weaver Collection    



This Sodomite -- what a deplora-                            
ble idiot -- chose to ignore a                              
Command from Yahweh,                                        
"No gay rolls in the hay!"                                  
But was so dumb, he moved to Gomorrah.                      
                                                            
 8341 BUGGERY                        Robin K. Willoughby P8706



That 'urghhh!' is my dick in your ass,                      
Where it seems to have met a large mass.                    
Oh my God! It's your head!                                  
What a moron, brain dead;                                   
To choose this way to blow me is crass.                     
                                                            
 8342 BUGGERY                                                 



The great metaphysician once said:                          
"Let's assume that I'm buggered in bed.                     
Is the thrill that I feel                                   
In my rectum quite real?                                    
Or is the whole thing in my head.                           
                                                            
 8343 BUGGERY                                           G2172a



To sleep with a colleague's a blast,                        
Especially when taken up the ass.                           
We all know it's true,                                      
Anal sex is for you.                                        
To get a raise doesn't take class.                          
                                                            
 8344 BUGGERY                        Coolbreeze               



There once was this bum-fucking faggot!                     
He'd see something male, and he'd shag it!                  
But he fucked the wrong ass,                                
Now he's pushing up grass...                                
And his only companion's a maggot!                          
                                                            
 8345 BUGGERY                                                 



'Twixt the oral and anal mystique,                          
Most proponents a difference will seek.                     
Some factions will say,                                     
Oral sex makes one's day,                                   
While anal sex makes one's hole weak.                       
                                                            
 8346 BUGGERY                        Bob Giandomenico    P9806



A sodomist's shrill caterwauling,                           
Is regarded by most as appalling,                           
Leading some to suspect,                                    
If one yields to this sect,                                 
That he'd be a can of great mauling.                        
                                                            
 8347 BUGGERY                        Bob Giandomenico    P9804



A man from the small town of Tildon,                        
Whose boyhood had never fulfilled him,                      
A confirmed sexaholic,                                      
Said after a frolic,                                        
"Rectum?  It nearly killed him."                            
                                                            
 8348 BUGGERY                        Anon                     



A newlywed lady named White                                 
Said, "Husband, you are not too bright.                     
You are not near as slick                                   
As my dear old dad, Nick."                                  
So he buggered them both the same night.                    
                                                            
 8349 BUGGERY                        Albin Chaplin   3024-0959



There once was a faggot named Tim                           
Whose member was trifling and slim.                         
In and out he could dart                                    
'Tween beats of a fart                                      
Without ever touching the rim!                              
                                                            
 8350 BUGGERY                        H WHELCHEL               



Lawyers read the decision on Nexus;                         
I heard it while driving my Lexus.                          
The Supreme Court just said:                                
Have more fun in bed,                                       
Now that ass-fucking's legal in Texas.                      
                                                            
 8351 BUGGERY                        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



I could handle the times with the Torah                     
And the days we were dancing the hora,                      
But it then came to pass --                                 
What a pain in the ass! --                                  
That we ran out of gas in Gomorrah.                         
                                                            
 8352 BUGGERY                        Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



"Because we hold all our guests dear,                       
We felt we should make one thing clear;                     
You may park in the front                                   
And enjoy a fine cunt.                                      
You also may park in the rear."                             
                                                            
 8353 BUGGERY                        Travis Brasell           



When I park in the rear, it transpires;                     
When I'm done with my lusty desires,                        
Things get slick; my truck squeals,                         
With a spinning of wheels;                                  
Stuff gets stuck in the treads of my tires!                 
                                                            
 8354 BUGGERY                        Allen Wolverton          



Said the warden, "I'll get to the bottom                    
Of this scandalous talk about Sodom.                        
If I find any, well,                                        
I'll promptly expel                                         
The pygophilous fellows of Wadham." (buttock-loving)        
                                                            
 8355 BUGGERY                        A. N. Wilkins       P8801



Ode to my friend Paul Zimmer                                
He's burried neck deep in a rimmer.                         
With brown hair in his teeth                                
And a sigh of relief,                                       
He found a shit stain by its shimmer.                       
                                                            
 8356 BUGGERY                                                 



In Akron a fellow named Dwight                              
Once thought he'd been screwed in the night.                
Next morning, alas,                                         
He'd a pain in the ass                                      
And found he was perfectly right                            
                                                            
 8357 BUGGERY                        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



While the big shots along the Euphrates                     
Held to riches and slaves and penates,                      
In their measure of might                                   
Was included delight                                        
In steatopygious brown nates.                               
(penates - winged, feathered)                               
 8358 BUGGERY                                            G0966



Our fair Supreme Court defines Sodomy                       
As a lick or mis-poke at one's boddom; 'E                   
Who gets off that way,                                      
Faces prison, but HEY!                                      
That seems ass-backwards a lot to me.                       
                                                            
 8359 BUGGERY                        Robin K. Willoughby P8608



"Though sodomy many find trite,                             
To us sodomites, it's a delight!"                           
Thus from deep in a ghetto                                  
Came a plaintive falsetto                                   
From a eunuch whose sphincter was tight.                    
                                                            
 8360 BUGGERY                                            G1070



"Mark Twain," said wise Dr. Feebler,                        
"Never took out a nymphet to wheedle her.                   
Like Whitman, 'twas buggery                                 
And other hugger-muggery,                                   
That excited his tired old tweedler."                       
                                                            
 8361 BUGGERY                                            G0968



There once was a tweetle called Lee,                        
Whom B***** invited to tea.                                 
He was promptly debagged,                                   
And buggered and shagged,                                   
Till his tool simply grew like a tree.                      
                                                            
 8362 BUGGERY                                            G0995



In the middle of singing a carol,                           
Geoffrey Howe cried: "Your turn in the barrel!"             
That's a bit of a bummer                                    
Said John Selwyn Gummer,                                    
As Cecil whipped off his apparel.                           
                                                            
 8363 BUGGERY                        Bill Wall                



There was an old fellow named Lou                           
Who buggered himself with a shoe.                           
He said it was fun,                                         
But the tongue came undone,                                 
And it tickled his balls till he blew.                      
                                                            
 8364 BUGGERY                        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A ventriloquist dummy'd be fun                              
To play with -- they don't weigh a tonne,                   
And they've spent most their past                           
With a hand up their ass;                                   
A loose fuck if I'd ever seen one.                          
                                                            
 8365 BUGGERY                                                 



There was a ventriloquist Bruce                             
Who enjoyed it wet, sloppy and loose.                       
He'd say, "Gottle of geer."                                 
With his dick up the rear                                   
Of his novelty dummy, a moose.                              
                                                            
 8366 BUGGERY                        Peter Wilkins            



Well junior, the unkindest cut                              
Is that I fucked your Ma in the butt.                       
But a jizzwad of splooge                                    
Must've dripped in her cooze,                               
And now look what we've gotten, a nut!                      
                                                            
 8367 BUGGERY                                                 



Said a doleful young man with a stutter,                    
"My wife don't allow me to butt her.                        
But its all right,                                          
But some dark night,                                        
I'll tie down the bitch and then gut her.                   
                                                            
 8368 BUGGERY - DENIED                                   L1222



A less violent chap with a stammer                          
Said, "Mine too, she won't lit me ram her.                  
What's soured me on life                                    
Is not fucking my wife,                                     
D-d-d-d-d-d-damn her!                                       
                                                            
 8369 BUGGERY - DENIED                                   L1223



There once was a faggot named Bruce;                        
With his lover he called a truce.                           
"Please let's not fight.                                    
I'm tired tonight,                                          
And my asshole is getting too loose."                       
                                                            
 8370 BUGGERY - DENIED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the bride on the night of the wedding,                 
To the groom, as she smoothed out the bedding,              
"Please step out here in front                              
And I'll show you my cunt.                                  
I don't like the way your prick is heading."                
                                                            
 8371 BUGGERY - DENIED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0958



There was an intrepid explorer                              
Who dated a lady named Forrer.                              
He explored every cranny                                    
Which she had in her fanny,                                 
But she claimed that he never did bore her.                 
                                                            
 8372 BUGGERY - DENIED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0134



I don't like it much up the ass,                            
So on your kind offer I'll pass.                            
I like doing it proper,                                     
So whip out your whopper,                                   
And we'll go for a roll in the grass.                       
                                                            
 8373 BUGGERY - DENIED               Jayne                    



On the Aegean Sea's coastal cliffs,                         
I once cause international rifts.                           
I did certainly mind                                        
An approach from behind;                                    
Beware of short Greeks wearing lifts.                       
                                                            
 8374 BUGGERY - DENIED               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



Gay guys make the best of good friends.                     
So no matter which way you bend,                            
You're welcome in here,                                     
Sit down, have a beer,                                      
But don't poke me in the rear end.                          
                                                            
 8375 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



A convict once, out in Australia,                           
Said unto his turnkey, "I'll tail ya."                      
But he said, "You be buggered,                              
You filthy old sluggard,                                    
You're forgetting that I am your jailer."                   
                                                            
 8376 BUGGERY - DENIED                                   L0449



For a boy, Sam was really a find.                           
And his loss I have often repined.                          
When my wife learned of Sam                                 
We moved, on the lam                                        
And I had to leave all that behind.                         
                                                            
 8377 BUGGERY - DENIED               Grand Prix Lim  629      



Frosty came back here to find me;                           
Hoping that maybe he'd grind me.                            
But like him I'm not,                                       
I like hairy twat;                                          
Like a fart, now he is far behind me.                       
                                                            
 8378 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



Would Pet's buttered buns cause a riot?                     
Perhaps I had better not try it.                            
It's better for me                                          
To stick with fat-free;                                     
There are just plain buns on my diet.                       
                                                            
 8379 BUGGERY - DENIED               Jim Weaver Collection    



"Sir Peregrine, please be so kind,                          
And take me dog-wise from behind."                          
"What ho, gal! Top hole?"                                   
"I'd rather your pole,                                      
The lower of those holes you'd find."                       
                                                            
 8380 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



A prim old professor of math                                
One day fairly trembled with wrath,                         
When a lisping young student --                             
A lad most imprudent --                                     
Came and offered a fuck in the ath.                         
                                                            
 8381 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



The kid was just seeking a trade.                           
He needed to get up his grade.                              
And, to hazard a guess,                                     
The prof might have said yes,                               
But he hadn't the balls to get laid.                        
                                                            
 8382 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



There was a young girl, a Norwegian,                        
Went to bed with a kinky Glaswegian.                        
She said to him, "Jock                                      
Whyever's your cock                                         
Exploring my nethermost region?"                            
                                                            
 8383 BUGGERY - DENIED               Alexander Baron     P9209



A first class ship's waiter named Phipps,                   
Quite distressed by his niggardly tips,                     
Changed to Officers Mess,                                   
Received greater largesse,                                  
But didn't dare bow from the hips.                          
                                                            
 8384 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



There was a young man of Verdun,                            
Who wanted to try anal fun.                                 
He wanted a looker                                          
Who wasn't a hooker;                                        
Alas, in the end he got none.                               
                                                            
 8385 BUGGERY - DENIED               Chuck Demas              



Gearhart, you have anal retention,                          
I wish that you would pay attention.                        
Your dick best not cum,                                     
Anywhere near my bum,                                       
Or you'll find you're less one extension.                   
                                                            
 8386 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



A butt-fucking sailor named Lance                           
Strolled Norfolk in search of romance.                      
He purchased a whore                                        
But on her aft door:                                        
A sign that read Norfolk Enchants.                          
                                                            
 8387 BUGGERY - DENIED               H Welchel                



Said a hick by the name of Jake Larson,                     
When accused of deliberate arson,                           
"Someone bears me a grudge;                                 
I'm a front fellow, judge,                                  
Kinda like I was taught by our parson."                     
                                                            
 8388 BUGGERY - DENIED               Armand E Singer        15



Well, size doesn't matter, I think,                         
When talking about a guy's dink.                            
But I'm sorry to hear                                       
That you don't like the rear                                
Invaded by anything pink.                                   
                                                            
 8389 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



No amount of drugs or sedation,                             
Will get a cock near that location.                         
I'd rather a migraine,                                      
Endure eternal pain,                                        
Or suffer endless constipation.                             
                                                            
 8390 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



I don't want to burst your young bubble                     
For that could land me in trouble!                          
But I'd like to say                                         
Please just turn away                                       
And get your ass out, on the double.                        
                                                            
 8391 BUGGERY - DENIED               Gearhart                 



A nancy-boy said in tones crass:                            
"Ass fuck?"  I told him I'd pass.                           
I've heard that the act is                                  
Like sitting on cactus...                                   
Yes, sodomy's a pain in the ass.                            
                                                            
 8392 BUGGERY - DENIED               Tiddy Ogg                



A fellow from Chicopee, Mass.                               
Rejected another man's pass.                                
He felt some attraction,                                    
But recalled that the action                                
Might well prove a pain in the ass.                         
                                                            
 8393 BUGGERY - DENIED               Isaac Asimov             



The attraction he felt grew and grew,                       
So he figured out just what to do.                          
He said, "If you please,"                                   
As he dropped to his knees,                                 
"I'll have my cake and eat it, too!"                        
                                                            
 8394 BUGGERY - DENIED               Ardens                   



She wasn't a bitchy faultfinder                             
Till hubby pressed close in behind her.                     
He prodded her taint                                        
Till she made this comlaint:                                
"Your phallus has never been blinder!"                      
                                                            
 8395 BUGGERY - DENIED               OgniGioia                



A kinky young soldier named Blunt,                          
Preferred his wife's bung to her cunt,                      
Till the night that she shrieked,                           
"I resent being Greeked!"                                   
And he had to return to the front.                          
                                                            
 8396 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



From Alton young Sally did come,                            
And scorned suitors come on her bum.                        
I once asked her why?                                       
Her sanguine reply?                                         
"I have to save some for mum."                              
                                                            
 8397 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



My dear sir, how very unkind!                               
Not one shred of truth there you'll find.                   
I'm not in your favor,                                      
'Cause I did not waiver,                                    
To your sneak attack from behind.                           
                                                            
 8398 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



In the dark, the girl's innocent chum                       
Misdirected his dick up her bum.                            
Being told gently so,                                       
The lad piped, "Penis?  No.                                 
This is how I stopped sucking my thumb!"                    
                                                            
 8399 BUGGERY - DENIED               Anon                     



There was a young fellow named Chubb,                       
Who joined a smart buggery club.                            
But his parts were so small,                                
He was no good at all,                                      
And they promptly refunded his stub.                        
                                                            
 8400 BUGGERY - DENIED                                   L1630



There was an old man of Ramnugger,                          
Who drove a rare trade as a bugger,                         
'Till a fair young Circassian                               
Brought fucking in fashion,                                 
And spoiled all the trade in Ramnugger.                     
(Published 1870)                                            
 8401 BUGGERY - DENIED                                   L0508



Said an airy young fairy named Jess,                        
"The oral requires some finesse.                            
While in method the anal,                                   
Is terribly banal,                                          
And the trousers will get out of press."                    
                                                            
 8402 BUGGERY - DENIED                                   L0477



My goose gets obtuse when it's loose                        
And enters the well trained caboose                         
Of old Mrs. Cookmy,                                         
Who screams, "Goosey, look my                               
Caboose is quite full...try my poose!"                      
                                                            
 8403 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



A perverted scoutmaster named Dike                          
Loved to bugger a boy on a hike.                            
He felt pederasty                                           
Was not realy nasty,                                        
But the judge said, "Ten years up the pike!"                
                                                            
 8404 BUGGERY - DENIED                                   G0958



Just how is it done, d'ye ken?                              
Separating the boys from the men                            
One might find in the crew                                  
Of a Greek steamship?  You                                  
Will find crowbars handiest, then!                          
                                                            
 8405 BUGGERY - DENIED               Robin K. Willoughby P9210



Unfulfilled lust that I knew                                
Is to bugger again Lady Blue.                               
Fantasies so fine                                           
Fly through my mind;                                        
I wanted her yesterday, too!                                
                                                            
 8406 BUGGERY - DENIED                                        



There was a young fellow named Beard                        
Whose father's behavior was weird.                          
He left home at sixteen,                                    
Never more to be seen;                                      
He did not like the way he was reared.                      
                                                            
 8407 BUGGERY - DENIED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0901



A nearsighted fellow named Fender                           
Said, "Pardner, I think I surrender.                        
I've had more than enough,                                  
And the going is tough,                                     
And I fear you are of the wrong gender."                    
                                                            
 8408 BUGGERY - DENIED               Albin Chaplin 3024  G0969



My man's meat bends a bit to the right.                     
To fit into me, took a bit of a fight.                      
But we were laying astride,                                 
And then he put it inside...                                
The wrong hole!  He was covered with shite.                 
                                                            
 8409 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



It didn't hurt, like you would think.                       
In fact, it tickled me pink!                                
He moved, and he thrusted,                                  
And he shaked when I touched it,                            
As the one-eyed part gave a wink.                           
                                                            
 8410 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



A mess, so we showered real fast.                           
His peter, once again at full mast.                         
He was clean, so I waited,                                  
Grew tired, masturbated,                                    
Then he got on top, "Oh, at last!"                          
                                                            
 8411 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



Said a lecherous damsel named Cole,                         
When I complained about greasing my pole:                   
"Don't be so meticulous,                                    
Honey man, It's ridiculous--                                
Let it slide into any old hole!"                            
                                                            
 8412 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0747



A runaway girl named Marge,                                 
Stowed away on a seagoing barge.                            
She woke with a start,                                      
Felt a bad need to fart;                                    
Found her arse stretched by someone quite large.            
                                                            
 8413 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Straydog                 



When his urging had reacched a high pitch,                  
With that sleepy uninterested bitch,                        
She yawned in his ear                                       
And offered her rear,                                       
And he switched as she slept at the switch.                 
                                                            
 8414 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Allan Ottley, 1975       



A certain young lady named Freitas                          
Developed an anal pruritis,                                 
The result (thus her claim)                                 
Of her boyfriend's bad aim,                                 
On repeated attempts at coitus.                             
                                                            
 8415 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0977



His breath was as foul as a clot                            
Of blood and shit left out to rot.                          
She nose-dived the chaise,                                  
And buried her face,                                        
And took all his meat in the bot.                           
                                                            
 8416 BUGGERY - FEMALE               H Welchel                



A flighty young gal named Euphemia                          
Who dug the beat pads of Bohemia,                           
Ups and leaves after while,                                 
Saying with a wry smile,                                    
"Beats gabble of Zen, then they remia!"                     
                                                            
 8417 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Grand Prix Lim  790      



Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!                             
Some rascal his big dick did put                            
Up the ass of Miss Winters                                  
As she browsed at the vintners,                             
Bent over the Inglenook!                                    
                                                            
 8418 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Mad Max                  



Said a madam named Mae down in Taft:                        
"We'll take on a man fore and aft.                          
But we don't think it's smart                               
In the rear--when you fart,                                 
A big pecker will cut off your draft."                      
                                                            
 8419 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G1061



There was a young man named Sebestian                       
Who had for his bride a suggestion,                         
"Though I'll try for a day                                  
In the regular way,                                         
We must look at both sides of the question."                
                                                            
 8420 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0949



Never anal sex, to hear Betsy talk;                         
Her butt lovin' beau would just sulk.                       
One night she got drunk,                                    
And most of us thunk                                        
She tried it, now a bow-legged walk.                        
                                                            
 8421 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Anon                     



Sometimes in the old USA,                                   
You can find a woman who will play                          
With you, like a whore                                      
Until you turn her o'er,                                    
Then she asks more for her chocco parfait.                  
                                                            
 8422 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



Said a lady who lived on Cape Fear:                         
"I prefer being screwed in the rear.                        
Sailors like it that way,                                   
And there's never a day                                     
When the coast isn't perfectly clear."                      
                                                            
 8423 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0941



It's not that she's one of those lazies,                    
But she says that her job is for crazies;                   
At a bar just for gays,                                     
Her colon's a glaze,                                        
'Cause everything's coming up Daisy's.                      
                                                            
 8424 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Hugh Clary               



A lickerish octogenarian                                    
Once raped a protesting librarian.                          
Between Med and Mum                                         
He buggered her bum--                                       
The conskited old bawdy vulgarian!                          
(conskited - not in my unabridged - McW)                    
 8425 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G1026



"It really was something," laughed Annie;                   
"Our grandad was always at granny;                          
He wore out her cunt                                        
Then switched from the front,                               
To plugging the hole in her fanny."                         
                                                            
 8426 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Armand E Singer       801



There was an old man from Dudalk,                           
And it seemed his pecker could talk.                        
But when fucking his wife,                                  
It would yell for its life,                                 
And when shoved up her ass, it would balk.                  
                                                            
 8427 BUGGERY - FEMALE               MrMalo                   



A vivacious young lady of Vedder                            
Said, "You'll find I'm a good two-way spreader:             
Before or behind--                                          
Either hole--I don't mind--                                 
Or go for a nice double header.                             
                                                            
 8428 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G1074



Frustrated indeed was young Doris,                          
Quite tired of flogging clitoris.                           
Then she found it not frightening,                          
Much more, quite enlightening,                              
When her fanny got stuffed by friend Morris!                
                                                            
 8429 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



There once was a gal from Madrass                           
Who like being poked in the ass.                            
Whether big ones or small,                                  
She would take them all,                                    
Then expel much semen scented gas.                          
                                                            
 8430 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



There was a young maid unaware,                             
Who married a sheepherder fair.                             
And he said, somewhat gruff,                                
"You must learn how to stuff                                
Both your feet in the hip boots I wear."                    
                                                            
 8431 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0955



There was a young fellow named Blum                         
Who was always too quick on the come.                       
When he slept with a lass,                                  
As he felt for her ass,                                     
Her would fill up her bum with the scum.                    
                                                            
 8432 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0938



A matron of fashion in Utah                                 
Once said to a devoted suitah:                              
"This is all on the sly,                                    
But let's give it a try...                                  
We'll find out what's such fun for a fruitah."              
                                                            
 8433 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G1071



There was a professor of math                               
Who was thrilling his girl in her bath.                     
The soap slipped from reach                                 
And plugged up her breech,                                  
So he finished the job in her ath.                          
                                                            
 8434 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G1011



My dick is twelve inches, my lass;                          
You can touch it, it's not made of glass.                   
But be very nice;                                           
I won't tell you twice,                                     
Or I'll shove it a foot up your ass.                        
                                                            
 8435 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



There one was a woman named Annie                           
Who liked to have sex in the fanny;                         
She could fuck all night                                    
And still remain tight!                                     
She got dates though she was an old granny!                 
                                                            
 8436 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Stark                    



For sex some folks like the rear doorway;                   
For that, I have thought always: No way!                    
For that kind of stickin'                                   
It's not that I'm chicken;                                  
What kills me's the thought of the foreplay!                
                                                            
 8437 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



I am lost in that anal context;                             
Don't know what my lover expects.                           
I'm afraid that the meaning                                 
Is awfully demeaning,                                       
When she says that she wants oral sex.                      
                                                            
 8438 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



When I asked him, "Hey, Jim, is it in?"                     
Got no answer, but to my chagrin,                           
I was put in my place                                       
By the look on his face,                                    
When he gave me his shit-eatin' grin.                       
                                                            
 8439 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



This old sugar-daddy named Danny                            
Was keeping a woman called Lannie.                          
She turned twenty-two;                                      
He told her to "shoo",                                      
"You're too old for a poke in the fanny."                   
                                                            
 8440 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



Said one girl to another in class,                          
"Have you ever been fucked up the ass?                      
'Cause I did it last night.                                 
And it seemed all right,                                    
But it gives you a bad case of gas!"                        
                                                            
 8441 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



A young lady, uncommonly stacked,                           
On the street from the rear was attacked.                   
When the foul deed was done,                                
She said, "Frankly, it's fun,                               
And provided a background I lacked."                        
                                                            
 8442 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G1060



A sixty-year codger of Wapping                              
Had figured his wife was worth swapping                     
For three maids, young and bold                             
Who were twenty years old,                                  
And he buggered them all without stopping.                  
                                                            
 8443 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0956



"In my salad days", said Lady Bierley                       
"I took my cocks fairly and squarely.                       
But now when they come,                                     
They go right up my bum --                                  
And that only happens but rarely."                          
                                                            
 8444 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0936



Oh Joe, there is no need to frown                           
Just lay her there with her face down.                      
Then skip the pink chasm                                    
And have an orgasm,                                         
This time when you're prodding the brown.                   
                                                            
 8445 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



The English are creatures quite cold,                       
Though one of them ventured so bold,                        
As to say to his bride:                                     
"Please turn on your side,                                  
I believe I have gotten ass-holed."                         
                                                            
 8446 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0946



A lady who lives in Schenectady                             
Cries, "Never speak out about sex to me!                    
My husband's perverse...                                    
When I having my curse,                                     
He is forever trying to rectum me!"                         
                                                            
 8447 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Sex to Sexty        P8808



A hindu wife's lusts were quite slutty;                     
She craves outcasts cocks up her buttee.                    
When her husband found out,                                 
The untouchables bound out,                                 
Now she's headed for premature suttee.                      
                                                            
 8448 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Bruce Thompson           



There was a young lady named Shriver,                       
Who was screwed in the ass by the driver.                   
And when she complained,                                    
He said, "Sorry you were pained",                           
And gave her a fiver to bribe her.                          
                                                            
 8449 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   L1733



There once was a hooker named Rugger                        
Who said to a man posed to plug her,                        
"You first should peruse                                    
Which orifice to use                                        
For the rear one may be a bit snugger."                     
                                                            
 8450 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Bob Giandomenico    P8911



There once was a donut called Bear,                         
Who munched on a girls pubic hair.                          
When she squealed "Here I come!"                            
Shoved his cock up her bum,                                 
And whispered, "How's that feel up there?"                  
                                                            
 8451 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A sodomist, Solomon Drew                                    
Was having a row with Miss Sue.                             
She was angry as hell,                                      
When he managed to tell                                     
Why he'd uttered the words "I love ewe!"                    
                                                            
 8452 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0111



A teen girl, taking it in the ass,                          
Perhaps you could ease up on the lass.                      
Shes still only young;                                      
Preserve her wee bung,                                      
Till shes old and her cunts a loose pass.                   
                                                            
 8453 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



Last night, while buggering my wife,                        
I had the shock of my life.                                 
For, upon my word,                                          
I felt a sharp turd                                         
Stab into me just like a knife.                             
                                                            
 8454 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Luke Sheppard            



There once was a knowledgeful whore,                        
Who knew all the coital lore.                               
But she found there were many                               
Who preferred her fat fanny,                                
And she doesn't fuck any more.                              
                                                            
 8455 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   L1067



Being buggered by big burly Ben,                            
Said a dolly in Almaden:                                    
"I'm tired of you queers                                    
Who only spear rears--                                      
I'd like my cunt plugged now and then!"                     
                                                            
 8456 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0934



The lovers of kooky Miss Fay,                               
Her neighbors believe are all gay.                          
For none, when they call,                                   
Use her front door at all:                                  
They always go in the back way.                             
                                                            
 8457 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0967



A Mormon who lives in Rochester                             
Played golf with his wife; couldn't best her,               
At any one hole,                                            
Except for the sole                                         
One for which in Utah they'd arrest her.                    
                                                            
 8458 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Phil T                   



The passionate ass on Miss Coker                            
Requires wild prods from my poker.                          
You can hear her a block,                                   
When I ram in my cock,                                      
And ten blocks when I start to butt stroke 'er!             
                                                            
 8459 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0945



"I like anal sex, if you please",                           
Said Charlotte, while down on her knees.                    
"I'm firm and I'm tight;                                    
I'm an utter delight!                                       
And I promise that I won't cut the cheese!"                 
                                                            
 8460 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Stan                     



There was an experienced whore                              
Who knew all the coital lore.                               
She said, "Though it pain us,                               
Men opt for the anus,                                       
So now I don't fuck any more."                              
                                                            
 8461 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Stephen Cordwell         



A hard-working hooker named Gritswith,                      
Scads of dough filled her bank and her mitts with,          
By perfecting the art                                       
Of employing the part                                       
Of the torso one usually sits with.                         
                                                            
 8462 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Bob Giandomenico    P9205



What would you like, my dear lass?                          
A steely ton-eight up your ass?                             
Or should I recant,                                         
And toss at a slant,                                        
And bugger obliquely your sass?                             
                                                            
 8463 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Jim Weaver Collection    



On feeling his breath on her back,                          
Felicity whispered to Jack,                                 
"You can screw my behind                                    
If you're that way inclined,                                
But I'd rather you entered my crack."                       
                                                            
 8464 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Craig                    



I bet these here girls hold a grudge,                       
When finding their colon won't budge,                       
On the pot as they sit                                      
And can't take a shit,                                      
'Cause you been packin' their fudge.                        
                                                            
 8465 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



A Greek-loving fellow from Mass.                            
Would only butt-fuck a lass.                                
Said his girl, Miss Morse,                                  
"He's hung like a horse,                                    
And he's such a pain in the ass."                           
                                                            
 8466 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Ogden Nield              



When once us boys packed cousin Ella's                      
Fudge, Grandma told all us fellas:                          
"If sombody sasses                                          
Your acts with gal's asses,                                 
It's only because they are jealous!"                        
                                                            
 8467 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



Seems most men have a really big fear.                      
Of getting a boff in the rear.                              
But say, "Girl come astride,                                
For a butt fucking ride.",                                  
It's the promise of bliss that is sheer.                    
                                                            
 8468 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



Applying the oil of the sassafras                           
To sooth painful burning from harassed ass,                 
She wept over that bore                                     
That breached her back door,                                
At angles devised by Pythagoras.                            
                                                            
 8469 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Randog                   



Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer,                      
Asked, "What's there to do in the summer?"                  
She declined and declined,                                  
Till approached from behind,                                
When her Summer turned out quite a bummer!                  
                                                            
 8470 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



A tight-assed young girl that I know                        
Had me ream her ten times in a row.                         
Now corn-holing that lass                                   
Is a pain in MY ass!                                        
We truly reap that which we sow.                            
                                                            
 8471 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Trainman                 



A bum-loving fellow named Peter                             
Arse-fucked a young girl called Rita.                       
After he'd come,                                            
His balls were quite numb,                                  
And covered with Rita's excreta.                            
                                                            
 8472 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Peter Andrew             



He screamed and he wailed like a siss;                      
On his dick was a Hershey's Kiss.                           
Not only the smell                                          
Made him scream and yell,                                   
It now hurts when he takes a piss!                          
                                                            
 8473 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Cool Breeze              



A hi-fi fanatic named Mario                                 
Made love to a girl from Ontario.                           
She was tuned to fine pitch,                                
Then he buggered the bitch                                  
In 3-D, Technicolor and stereo.                             
                                                            
 8474 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0260



I once knew a girl named Dawn;                              
It turns out that she had a shlong.                         
I did get butt-raped;                                       
She got it on tape;                                         
Then she sent it to my mom!                                 
                                                            
 8475 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A Italian instructor called Ted                             
Was wonderfully active in bed.                              
But one night he'd a virgin                                 
With aversion to mergin',                                   
So he buggered her bum till it bled.                        
                                                            
 8476 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G1064



At the debs ball, I met Jilly Cooper                        
Who thought it would be, "Simply Super"                     
If before I'd come,                                         
That I would spend some                                     
Prime time lodged inside her pooper.                        
                                                            
 8477 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



I recall with my eyes all a-misting,                        
Though at first with a little resisting,                    
And squeals of, "Oh, no !"                                  
She cried, "Jolly good show !"                              
As I gave her a bloody good fisting.                        
                                                            
 8478 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



There once was a well-known old bugger,                     
Got a fancy for a girl and would hug her.                   
Though she thought he was game                              
For her cat with a name,                                    
She was oh so surprised when he'd plug her.                 
                                                            
 8479 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Straydog                 



There once was a girl from Bombay,                          
Who fucked in a really strange way.                         
She would pull you right near,                              
Then show you her ear,                                      
Saying, "Fuck me in here, and I'll pay!"                    
                                                            
 8480 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



There was a young fellow named Butler,                      
Who took out a girl to backscuttle 'er.                     
She exclaimed: "Oh, What luck!                              
I expected a fuck,                                          
But this is a bloody sight subtler."                        
                                                            
 8481 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0939



A randy young lad, name of Kelly                            
Once buggered a girl from New Delhi.                        
She had something furry,                                    
That tasted like curry,                                     
But it's neighbor was awfully smelly.                       
                                                            
 8482 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Anon                     



There one was a man from NYC,                               
Who liked his women rather spicy.                           
But he met a nice lass,                                     
Stuck his dick up her ass,                                  
And she said, "That isn't so nicey!"                        
                                                            
 8483 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Gerald LaCorte           



There once was a seaman named Butz                          
Who hung around with the sluts.                             
His wife did berate                                         
And threaten to castrate,                                   
And permanently beach his nuts.                             
                                                            
 8484 BUGGERY - FEMALE               M Demers                 



Her threats cause old Butz some concern;                    
For single life, he started to yearn.                       
It wasn't that bad                                          
That she should be mad.                                     
He had only fucked them in the stern.                       
                                                            
 8485 BUGGERY - FEMALE               S C Saint                



Mrs. Butz looked at Mister quite stern                      
And started a very slow burn.                               
She felt so ill-treated,                                    
Betrayed and quite cheated,                                 
And completely left out of her turn.                        
                                                            
 8486 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Alumal                   



He fucked them high and then low;                           
He even fucked them in the bow.                             
His wife, to get even,                                      
Took to swallowing seamen                                   
And made him watch and use a dildo.                         
                                                            
 8487 BUGGERY - FEMALE               M Demer                  



"Your dildo feels great in my twat...                       
Yeesss!... shove it in deeper...I'm hot!                    
Now, pull it out, please...                                 
I'll get on my knees...                                     
Ohhh!... Yeess!...In my ass!...Thanks a lot!"               
                                                            
 8488 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



The girls all flocked around Ben;                           
She said with a humorous grin,                              
As he serviced the lass                                     
With his cock up her ass,                                   
She said, "Go slow, you're tickling my chin."               
                                                            
 8489 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Jim Weaver Collection    



The disc jockey said to his bride,                          
On observing her cunt spread out wide,                      
"It appears by the record                                   
That too oft you've been peckered,                          
So perhaps we can play the back side."                      
                                                            
 8490 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0907



A dirty old hasher named Booker,                            
Was looking for a perverted hooker.                         
He found a vision in satin                                  
Who knew Greek but no Latin,                                
So up the Hershey highway he took her.                      
                                                            
 8491 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                        



My wife has an elegant rump.                                
Whenever a man has to hump,                                 
He's invited to hug her,                                    
And drug her and bugger                                     
The hole that is used as her dump.                          
                                                            
 8492 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Clement Wood        G0738



A sensible girl, name of Dexter,                            
Told the queer in her rear that he vexed her.               
Why pick her arsehole                                       
For his sexual goal,                                        
When her cunt was right next?--it perplexed her!            
                                                            
 8493 BUGGERY - FEMALE                                   G0956



Cried the horrified bride of Joe Avery,                     
"This second week, sexwise, takes bravery!                  
Goodness know I like humping,                               
But Joe's taken to rumping...                               
What is this deal...love or white slavery?"                 
                                                            
 8494 BUGGERY - FEMALE               Grand Prix Lim  490      



A back-scuttled tourist named Tuttle--                      
Piraeus to Athens by shuttle--                              
A lesson now learned,                                       
By taxi returned                                            
Afraid there would be a re-butt-al.                         
                                                            
 8495 BUGGERY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P9210



On the shores of the Aegean Sea                             
Worked a gay chap on elbow and knee.                        
Sailors came by the score                                   
Through this fellow's back door,                            
As he sighed, "This is all Greek to me."                    
                                                            
 8496 BUGGERY - GREEK                Bob Giandomenico    P9210



When it comes to the birds and the bees,                    
The Greeks excel others with ease.                          
With a frontal attack,                                      
Or an end run 'round back,                                  
They impale any hole that they please.                      
                                                            
 8497 BUGGERY - GREEK                                    G0932



That lascivious reprobate Deex,                             
Learned one hundred sexual techniques.                      
But he doubled his fun                                      
With one hundred and one,                                   
When one day he backed into some Greeks.                    
                                                            
 8498 BUGGERY - GREEK                Number Two          P9009



The Polacks, revengeful -- their plan,                      
Each U.S. girl "A merry can!"                               
Below the belt crack!                                       
A stab in the back!                                         
A Greek emigrational ban!                                   
                                                            
 8499 BUGGERY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P8909



The classics have quite a mystique                          
For gay Oxford dons like McPeek,                            
Whose love for a hero                                       
From Athens - young Spiro -                                 
Involves boning up in his Greek.                            
                                                            
 8500 BUGGERY - GREEK                                         



A companion, sincere and refined,                           
Is the Persian, the best you will find.                     
To the bittermost end                                       
He remains a staunch friend,                                
Who will not leave his buddy's behind.                      
                                                            
 8501 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin   3024-0946



On an island off Naxos in Greece,                           
A girl tourist wanting a piece,                             
Was raped on the beach--                                    
It was useless to screech--                                 
Her bungholers were all Greek police.                       
                                                            
 8502 BUGGERY - GREEK                Grand Prix Lim  383 G0675



There was an old Greek named Onossis                        
Whose pego was quite a colossus.                            
He'd sneak up behind                                        
With buggery in mind:                                       
He'd a penchant for tight brown crevasses.                  
                                                            
 8503 BUGGERY - GREEK                                    G1027



The Grecians were famed for fine art,                       
And buildings and stonework so smart.                       
They distinguished with poise                               
The men from the boys,                                      
And used crowbars to keep them apart.                       
                                                            
 8504 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin 3024  G0926



The learned young linguist Lautrec                          
Made love to a girl from Quebec.                            
And he kissed her, they say,                                
In the manner Francais,                                     
And he finished her off a la Grecque.                       
                                                            
 8505 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin   3024-0721



A man with a girl named Carruther                           
Were sure that they'd love one another.                     
She dated this Greek                                        
For a month and a week,                                     
But he first threw the meat to her brother.                 
                                                            
 8506 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin   3024-0909



There was a young lady named Tweek                          
Whose pussy was flabby and weak.                            
But her asshole was tight                                   
So she cried with delight,                                  
"I'm so glad that I married a Greek!"                       
                                                            
 8507 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin   3024-0954



Heinrich Schlieman once said while at Troy,                 
"If there is one thing I enjoy,                             
It's to probe in a hole                                     
On the Hissarlik knoll,                                     
And discover that it's a Greek Boy."                        
                                                            
 8508 BUGGERY - GREEK                Don Moore           P9210



The great blonde Thunder God Thor                           
Said, "Oh, I am so very sore.                               
How could that freak,                                       
Think I am Greek?                                           
I come from much farther up Nor'."                          
                                                            
 8509 BUGGERY - GREEK                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Eric                         
Who fucked in a manner Homeric:                             
Which means 'twixt the cheeks,                              
In the way of the Greeks,                                   
Since he deemed other methods barbaric.                     
                                                            
 8510 BUGGERY - GREEK                                    G0965



In Athens, from habits of yore,                             
Where natural sex is a bore,                                
The ladies in waiting                                       
Are customer baiting                                        
By bending, their backs to the door.                        
                                                            
 8511 BUGGERY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P9205



With Persians, a lady named Lee                             
Went on a libidinous spree.                                 
She said, "Heavens above,                                   
Why the way they make love!                                 
I find that it's all Greek to me."                          
                                                            
 8512 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin   3024-0934



A Greek lad said, "Dad, you're unkind.                      
It's the way that you've reared us, I mind.                 
I was wishing today                                         
I could just go away,                                       
But I hate leaving my brothers behind."                     
                                                            
 8513 BUGGERY - GREEK                Bob Giandomenico    P9103



A naive young man from Mill Creek,                          
Who had for a friend, a fat Greek.                          
When rogered one night,                                     
Found himself in such plight,                               
He couldn't sit down for a week.                            
                                                            
 8514 BUGGERY - GREEK                Grand Prix Lim  480      



While playing a game of bezique,                            
I was jumped on by Zorba the Greek.                         
He grabbed my bazooky;                                      
Cried, "I love this nooky!"                                 
And I couldn't sit down for a week.                         
                                                            
 8515 BUGGERY - GREEK                Bill Wall                



We hail the wise prince of the Kurd                         
Who fucking dog-fashion preferred.                          
He found much more fitting                                  
The hole used for shitting,                                 
Though he risked an occasional turd.                        
                                                            
 8516 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin   3024-0931



Turn Backward, O Time, Backward turn                        
And tell us why Greeks Backward yearn.                      
In orgies Olympus,                                          
Did Gods cry, "O limp us,"                                  
And all other apertures spurn?                              
                                                            
 8517 BUGGERY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P9210



While in Athens, a tourist named Joan,                      
Told her guide, with a trace of a groan,                    
"Though a fuck is just fine                                 
When I'm lying supine,                                      
It's a pain in the ass when I'm prone."                     
                                                            
 8518 BUGGERY - GREEK                                         



A Greek--let us call him Silvanus--                         
Is strange: he has one extra anus.                          
The one up in front                                         
Can be used as a cunt,                                      
Which makes him a queer sort of Janus.                      
                                                            
 8519 BUGGERY - GREEK                                    G2505



In Athens, the tour guide reminds you                       
To always keep looking behind you.                          
Like pickpockets pick                                       
And Superman quick,                                         
A blink and they'll start to...behind you.                  
                                                            
 8520 BUGGERY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P9210



There was a Greek ruler named Solon,                        
With a fondness for joys that were stolen.                  
He claimed Alcibiades,                                      
Whom he buggered on Fri-a-days,                             
Had the nicest tight ass for cornholin'.                    
                                                            
 8521 BUGGERY - GREEK                                    G1044



Regarding Ed's Grecian sojourn--                            
His doctor said, "If you return,                            
And if you go walking,                                      
They're everywhere stalking.                                
So Vaseline or it will burn.                                
                                                            
 8522 BUGGERY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P9210



There was a young girl from Quebec                          
Who preferred to make love 'a la Greque'.                   
To this method perverse                                     
Was a waltz in reverse,                                     
As composed by a prominent Czech.                           
                                                            
 8523 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin            



In checking the Websters for SODOMY,                        
"In sexing, when using hole number three"                   
Then further defined                                        
With quote marks, "behind,"                                 
And ends with the words, "it's all Greek to me."            
                                                            
 8524 BUGGERY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P9210



A frustrated lady of Berne                                  
Had problems that cause her concern.                        
She married a Greek                                         
Who male partners did seek,                                 
And she knew not which way she should turn.                 
                                                            
 8525 BUGGERY - GREEK                Albin Chaplin   3024-0904



The long-peckered Bey of Algiers                            
Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.                  
A demon for semen,                                          
This buggersome he-man                                      
Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.              
                                                            
 8526 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G0927



This two-balled old Bey of Algiers.                         
Sent his head eunuch shopping for queers.                   
"Mohammed," he smirked,                                     
As he casually jerked,                                      
"Just be sure they have overdrive rears!"                   
                                                            
 8527 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G0928



A native of Havre de Grace,                                 
Once tired of cunt, said, "I'll try ass."                   
He unfolded his plan                                        
To another young man,                                       
Who said, "Most decidedly, my ass!"                         
(Published 1879)                                            
 8528 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L0473



There was a young fellow whose mode                         
Was taking it up the dirt road.                             
He maintained pedication                                    
Cured acute constipation,                                   
And no enema beat a good load.                              
                                                            
 8529 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G1015



Alfresco, I've done dancing disco,                          
While visiting in San Francisco.                            
Twirl, bump, grind and thump,                               
A sharp pain in my rump.                                    
Bent over, you better use Crisco!                           
                                                            
 8530 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                         



Three girly-men, all dressed in leather,                    
Tied Hans and Franz firmly together.                        
'Pumped them up' all night long,                            
Though they started out strong,                             
Now they're so tired, they can't lift a feather.            
                                                            
 8531 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man of Madrid,                             
Who cast loving eyes on a kid.                              
He said, "Oh, my joy!                                       
I'll bugger that boy,                                       
You see if I don't."  And he did.                           
(He out with his cock, and he did.)                         
 8532 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Norman Douglas      L0487



Those Aussies are such funny folk;                          
They think it's the sheep Kiwis poke.                       
In reality.                                                 
It's Ockers who we                                          
Screw - yet they don't get the joke!                        
(ockers - boorish Aussie men)                               
 8533 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                         



There was a young man from South Bend                       
Who wanted to bugger a friend.                              
His friend, a bit nervous                                   
About anal service,                                         
Agreed it felt good in the end.                             
                                                            
 8534 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There once was a warden of Wadham,                          
Who approved of the folkways of Sodom,                      
"For a man might," he said,                                 
"Have a very poor head,                                     
But be a fine fellow, at bottom."                           
                                                            
 8535 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Anon                G1076



Hold back with that downward turned thumb!                  
Thrust onward and don't be so glum.                         
You'll work up a lather                                     
Of thick fanny batter,                                      
Then flip and repeat with 'er bum!                          
                                                            
 8536 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                         



His plain quarter-pounder was fat,                          
So he rammed it in where she sat.                           
Then heard her exclaim                                      
The moment he came,                                         
"I really would like fries with that."                      
                                                            
 8537 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



A tourist in Rome, from South Bend,                         
Decried sodomy to an old friend.                            
Leered a visiting Bulgar:                                   
"Sir, you may say it's vulgar,                              
But you'll find that it's fun, in the end."                 
                                                            
 8538 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G0669



Young Will warbled tunes from his throat,                   
And girlies all phoned in their vote,                       
At 10 pence a throw.                                        
Now they don't want to know,                                
Since they've found he's been browning his choat.           
                                                            
 8539 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                         



An adulterous lecher from Bend                              
(as he filled Mrs. Day, squirting spend)                    
Remarked with a leer,                                       
"I go for the rear:                                         
There is nothing beats sex at Day's end."                   
                                                            
 8540 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Armand Singer       P0203



There was a young man named Carruthers                      
Who buggered two crippled twin brothers.                    
And he felt some surprise,                                  
As you may surmise,                                         
When they both announced: "We are mothers!"                 
                                                            
 8541 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G0943



You know just what I want to do;                            
Just don't get upset with the goo.                          
Be a good lass;                                             
Let me stick it up your ass;                                
It will make you quite happy too.                           
                                                            
 8542 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Julie                    



You are not the first one, my dear,                         
Who has expressed a desire for my rear.                     
We could have more fun                                      
For aren't you the one                                      
That can stretch all his tongue to his ear.                 
                                                            
 8543 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Julie                    



There once was a bugger named Russel                        
Who adored a tight anal muscle.                             
To enter with ease                                          
Required bear grease,                                       
With that tool, 'twas a real hustle-bustle.                 
                                                            
 8544 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G1039



There once was a bellhop named Goose,                       
Who had morals extremely loose.                             
His portal of choice,                                       
As he often would voice,                                    
Was to put it right in your caboose!                        
                                                            
 8545 BUGGERY - HAPPY                J. T. Snake              



I sing of the brothers DeBeers,                             
A pair of incestuous queers,                                
Who, citing the dangers                                     
Of sex with male strangers,                                 
Reserved it for each other's rears.                         
                                                            
 8546 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Armand E Singer       842



There was an old man named Grasty,                          
Whose favorite sport -- pederasty.                          
He'd bugger with joy                                        
Any innocent boy,                                           
But thought fornication was nasty.                          
                                                            
 8547 BUGGERY - HAPPY                            L0472   G1001



There was a young fellow of King's,                         
Who was weary of women and things.                          
Said he, "My desire,                                        
Is a boy from the choir,                                    
With an ass that's like Jello on springs."                  
                                                            
 8548 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L0553



There was a young parson named Bings,                       
Who talked about God and such things;                       
But his secret desire                                       
Was a boy in the choir,                                     
With a bottom like jelly on springs.                        
                                                            
 8549 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                         



Said a perderast in cellblock three,                        
"I'm as happy as I ever could be.                           
On the outside, it's rough                                  
To get half enough --                                       
Inside, the judge sends them to me."                        
                                                            
 8550 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Arthur Deex         P8909



"Indeed," quoth the King of Siam,                           
"For cunts I just don't give a damn.                        
They haven't the grip,                                      
Nor the velvety tip,                                        
Nor the scope of the asshole of man."                       
                                                            
 8551 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L0512



A diarrhoetic young sodomite said                           
To a nancy-boy sharing his bed,                             
"I regret that I find                                       
That your spunk doesn't bind,                               
So leave in your penis instead."                            
                                                            
 8552 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man with fat jowls,                        
Who said, as he spread out the towels:                      
"I know pederasty                                           
Is sometimes thought nasty,                                 
But think how it loosens the bowels."                       
                                                            
 8553 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G0988



A horny musician named Heft                                 
With his packer was sharp and so deft.                      
But he thought nothing finer                                
Than to stick a lad minor,                                  
For the asshole was his major cleft.                        
                                                            
 8554 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Albin Chaplin            



We are nearing the end of the year;                         
So I wish all the limerists were here.                      
Great guidance from heaven,                                 
A great ninety-seven --                                     
And a twenty inch cock up your rear!                        
                                                            
 8555 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Writerman                



An old friend by the name of West,                          
Thought that anal sex was the best.                         
"It's clean as a whistle",                                  
As he looked at his pizzle,                                 
"All the chunks they get caught in her nest!"               
                                                            
 8556 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



My crank is as massive as China.                            
It hurts when I poke your behina.                           
But if you'd just push,                                     
Relaxing your tush,                                         
You'd never feel nuttin' mo' fina.                          
                                                            
 8557 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                         



There was an old preacher named Cole                        
Who did what was good for the soul:                         
Pederasty, his game,                                        
Which he did without shame.                                 
He was good, so they say, on the hole.                      
                                                            
 8558 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Albin Chaplin   3024-0913



There once was a sinister Ottoman,                          
To the fair sex, I fear, he was not a man.                  
He evaded the charms                                        
Of feminine arms,                                           
"Quite frankly," he said, "I'm a bottom man."               
                                                            
 8559 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G1028



I've taken what shit that you gave                          
And smeared it the length of my stave.                      
It's just a veneer -                                        
Please give us more, dear.                                  
I've got a turd highway to pave.                            
                                                            
 8560 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Ms. McCann's fey son, Phil, was a fan                       
Of rear assaults which he would plan.                       
While attempting to spear          (And once while astride) 
A gay friend in the rear,          (A sissy friend cried,)  
His friend cried, "Oh, Phillip McCann!" (I love you, dear..)
(see Richard Dyer-Bennet's song Bonnie Dundee)              
 8561 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Bob Giandomenico    P9104



There was a young man from Wanamee,                         
Well schooled in the technique of sodomy.                   
He buggered with glee,                                      
An old man in a tree,                                       
And remarked with a shrug, "Won't you pardon me?"           
                                                            
 8562 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L1619



A very gay fellow named Lance,                              
Would respond to the slightest advance.                     
It took too long to strip,                                  
So he'd urge men to slip                                    
Their tool through a hole in his pants.                     
                                                            
 8563 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L0492



Oh yes, we confess we've been seekin'                       
A way to make money so we can                               
Afford a large loophole,                                    
To cram up your poophole,                                   
Until your tight asswalls all weaken.                       
                                                            
 8564 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                         



"You're wicked, evil and vile,"                             
Yelled Jane, "and a big glob of bile                        
For screwing my ass!                                        
For payback, alas,                                          
I'll suck your damn cock for awhile!"                       
                                                            
 8565 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Travis Brasell           



In Scotland each sturdy male Celt                           
Wore nothing except a fur pelt.                             
They buggered the sheep                                     
And men in their sleep,                                     
Enjoying the way that it felt.                              
                                                            
 8566 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



I once met this girl called Monique                         
Who advised me on sexual technique.                         
Oral sex, she did say                                       
Can make your whole day;                                    
Anal sex can make your whole week.                          
                                                            
 8567 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Friar              TP9802



There was a young student of Oriel,                         
Who flouted all rulings proctorial.                         
He ran down the Corn                                        
With a hell of a horn,                                      
And buggered the Martyr's Memorial.                         
                                                            
 8568 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L1506



Said a fruity young man name of Biggle,                     
With an almost hysterical giggle,                           
"Last night I was sick                                      
With delight when my prick                                  
Felt Brucie's delicious ass wriggle!"                       
(Said Oscar McDingle O'Figgle - reference to Oscar Wilde)   
 8569 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L0499



It's silly to hold such a grudge,                           
With matters of packing of fudge.                           
It may be a sin,                                            
But getting it in?                                          
It's hard for an anus to budge.                             
                                                            
 8570 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jayne                    



A hereto fellow named Jewel                                 
Says a twat's the best place for his tool.                  
But his brother, named Ray,                                 
Who is openly gay,                                          
Is a fan of the Tunnel of Stool.                            
                                                            
 8571 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Cap'n Bean               



There once were two brothers named Luntz,                   
Who buggered each other at once.                            
When asked to account                                       
For this intricate mount,                                   
They said, "Ass holes are tighter than cunts."              
                                                            
 8572 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    L0316



It seems a fat homo of Bentree                              
Traffics nightly with pederast gentry.                      
It may strike you as frightful,                             
But he finds it delightful,                                 
As they vaseline up his rear entry.                         
                                                            
 8573 BUGGERY - HAPPY                                    G0935



Then two assholes suddenly appeared                         
And eavesdropped as closer they neared.,                    
"A coincidence, odd,"                                       
Said one, with a nod,                                       
"Right here is the place we were reared."                   
                                                            
 8574 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Hugh Clary               



Two gay contortionist friends                               
Could make the most elegant bends.                          
They did it so well,                                        
It became hard to tell                                      
Who had fucked whom in the end.                             
                                                            
 8575 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Malo                     



There once was a young man from Kent,                       
Who had trouble paying the rent.                            
He went out with a smile                                    
And returned in a while,                                    
With his anal virginity spent.                              
                                                            
 8576 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Observer                 



The announcement came out of the blue;                      
"Two gay zoophiles in the crew!"                            
The keepers looked 'round                                   
And finally found                                           
A zoo in a zoo in a zoo!                                    
                                                            
 8577 BUGGERY - HAPPY                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a old man of Pinole,                              
Who always got in the wrong hole.                           
And when he withdrew,                                       
All covered with goo,                                       
His temper was out of control.                              
                                                            
 8578 BUGGERY - INEPT                                    L0504



I am shitting nothing but sperms;                           
My asshole, it bloody well burns.                           
I'd heard that in jail,                                     
You'd get lots of tail,                                     
I didn't know that you took turns.                          
                                                            
 8579 BUGGERY - INEPT                Tom Simon                



A crane-driver by the name of Ed,                           
Once took old Jerri to bed.                                 
He spread her ass wide,                                     
And stuck it inside,                                        
And fucked her till her asshole bled.                       
                                                            
 8580 BUGGERY - INEPT                Jim Weaver Collection    



A naive young fellow named Sears                            
Oncw spend the week-end with two queers.                    
Although we've inquired,                                    
He won't say what transpired,                               
But he hasn't sat down for two years!                       
                                                            
 8581 BUGGERY - INEPT                                   G1066a



Yes even I've taken a dip;                                  
A good fuck in her ass is a pip.                            
Washed my dick in the shower                                
But it took me an hour,                                     
To dig the corn out of the tip.                             
                                                            
 8582 BUGGERY - INEPT                                         



Seems Joe had endowment too sparse,                         
W en he tried to get into Tom's arse.                       
Tom said, "Oh, you've come                                  
All over my bum.                                            
This isn't a fuck, it's a farce!"                           
                                                            
 8583 BUGGERY - INEPT                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Fart-sex, a word I find heinous;                            
Seems Aitch will soon entertain us.                         
But before your task                                        
Dear Aitch, I must ask,                                     
Is fart-sex hard on Ur-anus?                                
                                                            
 8584 BUGGERY - INEPT                Jim Weaver Collection    



These two fags named Bob and Neil,                          
Liked to make each other squeal.                            
Once Bob grabbed a tube                                     
Of some old anal lube,                                      
But 'twas glue, now their fate's sealed.                    
                                                            
 8585 BUGGERY - INEPT                                         



My lover, while mounting me, slipped                        
And into the wrong hole he dipped.                          
"Wow, I like this space!                                    
Let me mark my place.                                       
It'll be better when you are stripped."                     
                                                            
 8586 BUGGERY - INEPT                Marty              TP9807



A Fire Island pixie called "Mary"                           
Whose erogenous zones were quite hairy,                     
Said, "That last guy, I'll swear,                           
Is still in there somewhere,                                
So I want to warn you to be wary."                          
                                                            
 8587 BUGGERY - INEPT                Grand Prix Lim  580 G1010



A gallant young fellow named Dick                           
Was blessed with a galloping prick.                         
But the thing was quite blind                               
And went in from behind--                                   
"This is," said the lad, "rather thick."                    
                                                            
 8588 BUGGERY - INEPT                                    G0957



My wife said to try it again,                               
But I couldn't seem to get it in.                           
We needed more lube                                         
To insert my tube,                                          
Forgetting ass-blasting's a sin.                            
                                                            
 8589 BUGGERY - INEPT                Toolman                  



There was a young man from Brighton,                        
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.                 
He said, "Oh my love,                                       
It fits like a glove."                                      
She said, "You're not in the right 'un."                    
                                                            
 8590 BUGGERY - INEPT                Cremorne 1882       L0010



There once was a kinky old slut,                            
Who liked to be boned up the butt.                          
But her man had a fear,                                     
Of entering her rear,                                       
And he could not get off a nut!                             
                                                            
 8591 BUGGERY - INEPT                Hubert                   



There was a young bugger named Nick,                        
Who remarked, "I feel dreadfully sick.                      
The last man I buggered                                     
I thought was a sluggard,                                   
Till a fart of his blew off my prick."                      
                                                            
 8592 BUGGERY - INEPT                                    G1023



As Professor B. wiped his prick clean,                      
He cried, "Henry!  Your shit is obscene.                    
Next time, move your bowels,                                
Or I'll go back to fowls,                                   
For I've punctured the piles of the Dean."                  
                                                            
 8593 BUGGERY - INEPT                                    G0944



John is not nimble, not slick,                              
Due to his large and cumbersome dick!                       
He often wants anal,                                        
But that would be fatal,                                    
So if seen, better run away quick.                          
                                                            
 8594 BUGGERY - INEPT                Anon                     



"That's the end," she said flatly and whined.               
Afraid they were finished, he pined.                        
Disgusted she swore,                                        
"What are you crying for?                                   
Look below -- you are in my behind."                        
                                                            
 8595 BUGGERY - INEPT                Mike                     



A sodomist, fresh out of jail,                              
Was desperate for some sort of tail.                        
Though it wasn't his type,                                  
He buggered the pipe                                        
Of a truck clearly marked U.S. Mail.                        
                                                            
 8596 BUGGERY - INEPT                                    G0986



A faggot in old San Francisco                               
Passed out in an all-gay disco.                             
He awoke on the floor,                                      
And he felt pretty sore,                                    
And his ass was all covered with Crisco.                    
                                                            
 8597 BUGGERY - INEPT                Jim Weaver Collection    



I once met this girl from down under                        
Whose goodies I decided to plunder.                         
But when I copped a feel,                                   
She started to squeal;                                      
And MY GOD! What a noise when I bummed her!                 
                                                            
 8598 BUGGERY - INEPT                Fgo                TP9804



There was a young student from Yale,                        
Who was getting his first piece of tail.                    
He shoved in his pole,                                      
But in the wrong hole,                                      
And a voice from beneath yelled, "No Sale!"                 
                                                            
 8599 BUGGERY - INEPT                                    L0125



Though your stroke is a slow and a strong one,              
And your dick is a thick and a long one,                    
"What you need," said the lass, "is                         
A new pair of glasses,                                      
For the hole that you poked is the wrong one."              
                                                            
 8600 BUGGERY - INEPT                Rowdy Jack               



I'm glad that you like my long dick,                        
And you think that my stroke does the trick.                
But I don't need new glasses;                               
I know where your ass is;                                   
The back hole's the best hole to stick!                     
                                                            
 8601 BUGGERY - INEPT                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Purdue,                          
Who was only just learning to screw.                        
But he hadn't the knack.                                    
He got too far back,                                        
Right church, so to speak, but wrong pew.                   
                                                            
 8602 BUGGERY - INEPT                                    L0084



There once was a girl named Monique,                        
Who had a great looking physique.                           
When her snatch was chapped,                                
She'd get off of your lap,                                  
And continue your screw 'a la Greek'.                       
                                                            
 8603 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              VOL 11                   



An epicene swinger named Stutz                              
(You have to admit he had guts),                            
Refused by some dame,                                       
Just changes his aim,                                       
And reams out consenting male butts.                        
                                                            
 8604 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Armand E Singer       947



A young lady in business astute,                            
Had worn out her bread winning chute,                       
But she did not despair                                     
And made clients aware,                                     
That she opened an alternate route.                         
                                                            
 8605 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin            



There was a young fellow of Crete,                          
Who picked up a girl of the street.                         
Her cunt was so roomy,                                      
He became rather gloomy,                                    
So she offered her asshole petite.                          
                                                            
 8606 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0949



There was a cornholer named Max                             
Who assholes preferred over cracks.                         
Since the cock was intended                                 
For the asshole upended,                                    
Or it would have been shaped like an ax.                    
                                                            
 8607 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin   3024-0940



Never a one known to dally,                                 
When walking her home, Jack O'Malley                        
Seduced her consent                                         
And then went and spent                                     
Tender moments up Sally's back alley.                       
                                                            
 8608 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Kim and Sam              



Said Jack, "I am begging for more.                          
Please slip me inside your front door."                     
Sal wouldn't consent,                                       
So Jack off and went.                                       
Sal, alone, up her alley, felt sore.                        
                                                            
 8609 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Kim and Sam              



There was a young fellow from Calais,                       
Who went once to watch a posh ballet.                       
Those gals, nylon tighted,                                  
Sure got him excited,                                       
He went home and buggered his valet.                        
                                                            
 8610 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                       



The Bangor old whore was a runt,                            
Who fancied the "Lobsterman's Stunt".                       
It seemed that she liked                                    
From the rear to be spiked,                                 
So their beast had a back and a front.                      
                                                            
 8611 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Jim Weaver Collection    



When the groom found the bride's cunt too wide,             
And suggested her ass, she replied,                         
"I've shit many a stool                                     
Twice as big as your tool,                                  
So I doubt you'll be more satisfied."                       
                                                            
 8612 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                  G1080



An over-sexed puss-peddling dame,                           
To a client was heard to exclaim,                           
When she felt his appendage                                 
Venture in her rearendage,                                  
"My God, Man, you've got a bum aim!"                        
                                                            
 8613 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Grand Prix Lim  648      



A battered old whore with a worn hole                       
Was put on the street with her torn hole,                   
But her ass was not worn;                                   
So she sold it for corn,                                    
And it got to be known as the corn hole.                    
                                                            
 8614 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin   3024-1827



An earnest young woman in Thrace,                           
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"                
So he gave her a thwack,                                    
And did on her back,                                        
What he couldn't have done face to face.                    
                                                            
 8615 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                  L0518



Hippy hitchhiker, hair long and pale                        
Said this, coming in from the gale:                         
"It's no good to stare,                                     
With this here long hair,                                   
You don't know if I'm woman or male.                        
                                                            
 8616 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              John Miller              



The trucker drove on for a while,                           
Then turned and he said with a smile,                       
"Well, cut the chatter,                                     
It just doesn't matter,                                     
Either way, I will fuck you in style!"                      
                                                            
 8617 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              John Miller              



Please help me, I am in a bind!                             
Does anyone know where to find                              
The wad that I shot                                         
(I knew but forgot)                                         
In some nameless girl's fat behind?                         
                                                            
 8618 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Travis Brasell           



The wad that you shot is no more,                           
For it fertilized ova; a score.                             
Now the girl's given birth,                                 
(I'll keep mum, what's it worth?)                           
And you're Daddy to kiddies galore.                         
                                                            
 8619 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Peter Wilkins            



I think you have found the wrong lass,                      
Though I'm sure with her, I made a pass.                    
The lost wad of my hunt                                     
Was not shot in a cunt;                                     
I unloaded in some girl's fat ass!                          
                                                            
 8620 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Travis Brasell           



There once was a man named McNear                           
Who said to his dear with a tear,                           
"Your twat was hot,                                         
And now it is not!                                          
Flip over and I'll do your rear."                           
                                                            
 8621 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Casey                    



There was a young fellow named Kelly                        
Who preferred his wife's ass to her belly.                  
He shrieked with delight                                    
As he ploughed through the shite,                           
And filled up her hole with his jelly.                      
                                                            
 8622 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                  L0481



For those who aren't hung like moose,                       
And think her snatch hanging to loose,                      
Try aiming your pole,                                       
At a different goal,                                        
In the rear and ride her caboose.                           
                                                            
 8623 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Going2later              



The daughter of Admiral Turner                              
Seemed to me to be an eager learner.                        
But she launched like a Harrier,                            
From an aircraft carrier,                                   
When I rammed it in her after-burner.                       
                                                            
 8624 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a butcher from Clack,                        
Who found slicing meat was his knack                        
Up until the day                                            
He met his "friend" Ray;                                    
Now he only takes meat in the back!                         
                                                            
 8625 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Jim Weaver Collection    



There also was a butcher from here                          
Whose meat slicing method was queer.                        
He would handle the steak                                   
And cream he would make,                                    
As he only took meat in the rear.                           
                                                            
 8626 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              John Chastaine           



There was a young lady who said,                            
As her bridegroom got into the bed,                         
"I'm tired of this stunt                                    
That they do with one's cunt,                               
You can get up my bottom instead.                           
                                                            
 8627 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                  L1655



There was a young mate of a lugger,                         
Who took out a girl just to hug her.                        
"I've my monthlies," she said,                              
"And a cold in the head,                                    
But my bowels work well, do you bugger?"                    
                                                            
 8628 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Norman Douglas      L0487



There was a young lady of Glasgow,                          
And foldly her lover did ask, "Oh,                          
Pray allow me a fuck,"                                      
But she said, "No, my duck,                                 
But you may, if you please, up my ass go."                  
                                                            
 8629 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                  L0470



There was a young girl of Mauritius,                        
Who declared, "That last screw was delicious.               
But the next time you come,                                 
Won't you come up the bum?--                                
That wart on your cock looks suspicious.                    
                                                            
 8630 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                  L1691



There once was a girl named Lynn                            
Who invited me to wonderful sin                             
"Stick your cock in my ass"                                 
She said with no class                                      
"And tell me, by God, when it's in"!                        
                                                            
 8631 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Jim Weaver Collection    



I like it with you on your knees ...                        
And I love when I hear you say "Please,                     
Ensconce your log splitter                                  
Right here in my shitter,                                   
And shove it so deep that I wheeze."                        
                                                            
 8632 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                       



There once was a time when a lass                           
Was meant when you said "piece of ass".                     
But to some guys, a cunt                                    
Is a mortal affront,                                        
And they aim for that part passing gas.                     
                                                            
 8633 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                       



Though it's said there are gays who are losers,             
Bedding addicts and crack-heads and boozers.                
And they're seldom forgiven                                 
For being so driven,                                        
Still, buggers can't always be choosers.                    
                                                            
 8634 BUGGERY - INSTEAD                                       



There was a queer fellow named Carson,                      
Whom many suspected of arson;                               
Now by that I don't mean                                    
Torching buildings unseen,                                  
But filling the butt of his parson.                         
                                                            
 8635 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Armand E Singer        43



Observed a bored satyr named Mutt,                          
"I feel there's a lack in my gut;                           
So I think I will try                                       
Anal sex with some guy:                                     
It's dumb to spend life in a rut."                          
                                                            
 8636 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Armand E Singer       859



To a whore said a man named Carruthers,                     
"I would like to fuck one of your brothers.                 
When I want a good screw,                                   
An old cunt will not do.                                    
I don't travel in ruts made by others."                     
                                                            
 8637 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin   3024-0910



"We hear that your thing is tremendous."                    
Squealed Dutch twins: brains small, boobs stupendous.       
When their third sister chimed in,                          
"We're quite fond of our hymens,                            
So it looks like you'll have to rear-end us!"               
                                                            
 8638 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Kristen Coughlin    T9711



On a date with a lad, young Miss Flow,                      
When asked for a fuck, answered "No!                        
You can go second class,                                    
Shove your prick up my ass;                                 
I'm saving my cunt for my beau."                            
                                                            
 8639 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0974



There once was this little old granny,                      
Was fucking her boyfriend named Danny.                      
But her cunt was so loose,                                  
And of such little use,                                     
That he switched to the hole in her fanny!                  
                                                            
 8640 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Laurence Craft           



A hooker who works in Bombay                                
Charges 200 Rupees a lay.                                   
But this versatile lass                                     
Shoves a dildo up your ass,                                 
For 10 per cent off if you're gay.                          
                                                            
 8641 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



A saucy young maiden of Jackson,                            
Though innocent-looking, and flaxen,                        
When the milkman had failed,                                
With her still unimpaled,                                   
Then suggested, "Why not try the back, son?"                
                                                            
 8642 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Hugh Oliver         A111A



There was a young lady named Plum;                          
It seems she was smarter than some.                         
When periods were due                                       
She said, "Don't use my flue,                               
For a change, you can come up my bum."                      
                                                            
 8643 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin   3024-0945



The smelly old girl friend of Schink                        
Had a crotch with a terrible stink,                         
But he cared not a rap,                                     
He just turned on the tap,                                  
And he buggered the bitch in the sink.                      
                                                            
 8644 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Albin Chaplin   3024-0947



There once was this kid in my class;                        
She really was a strange lass.                              
Brad Pitt offered her sex,                                  
But all she perplexed,                                      
Saying "I want to be fucked in the ass!"                    
                                                            
 8645 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Jim Weaver Collection    



We've all had our turn with Big Sally;                      
For a cheap piece, now man would dally.                     
Poor Mr. Picket                                             
Thought he would dick it,                                   
But somehow got in the wrong alley.                         
                                                            
 8646 BUGGERY - INSTEAD              Coolbreeze               



Keep out of the rectum after dawn --                        
Buggery is for midnight, not for morn --                    
Keep your peter neater,                                     
Sweeter and discreeter,                                     
As befits a yearning Brother of the Horn.                   
                                                            
 8647 BUGGERY - MALE                 W H Auden           P8608



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
Who carried his balls in a bucket.                          
His dick was so big,                                        
I squealed like a pig,                                      
When into my asshole he stuck it.                           
                                                            
 8648 BUGGERY - MALE                                          



There once was a fellow named Grover,                       
Who once found a big four-leaf clover.                      
All he wanted was sex                                       
With some guy named Rex,                                    
Who just then told Grover, "Bend Over!"                     
                                                            
 8649 BUGGERY - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



"Fucked by the finger of fate!"                             
Bewailed a young fellow named Nate.                         
But it wasn't a finger.                                     
It was more like the dinger                                 
Of Nate's hot and horny roommate.                           
                                                            
 8650 BUGGERY - MALE                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was an odd chap from Bombay                           
Who pretended to be a woofter by day                        
But in an alley one night                                   
He got a bloody fright,                                     
With twelve inches up the chocolate whizway.                
                                                            
 8651 BUGGERY - MALE                                          



A miserable homo named Bryce                                
Paid quite an incredible price                              
To stick up some Chink                                      
Eight inches of dink --                                     
Which left it thick-coated with rice.                       
                                                            
 8652 BUGGERY - MALE                 Armand E Singer       231



A friend of a fellow named Colen                            
Had no place to nestle his pole in.                         
Now when Colen's a friend,                                  
He's a friend to the end,                                   
So the colon of Colen is swollen.                           
                                                            
 8653 BUGGERY - MALE                 Pierce Evans             



A bugger from out on Cape Cod                               
Will shove his diseased-riddled rod                         
Up any boy's bottom,                                        
Whenever he's caught 'em;                                   
The thoroughly nasty old sod!                               
                                                            
 8654 BUGGERY - MALE                 Marlene Lewis            



A young man from Ward said, "Too bad,                       
There's nothing in sight but a lad.                         
I'll just have to retrench,                                 
On this yen for a wench,                                    
But it does make me feel like a cad."                       
                                                            
 8655 BUGGERY - MALE                                          



A queer old galoot of Hanoi                                 
Remarks as he pats a small boy,                             
"In another short year,                                     
Your round chubby rear                                      
Will develop enough to give joy."                           
                                                            
 8656 BUGGERY - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  315      



At the Hindu Temple of Tong,                                
They ring in their players with a gong.                     
But first before prayer,                                    
It's butts in the air                                       
For the daily pre-prayer gong-bong!                         
                                                            
 8657 BUGGERY - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Last night, after many a glass                              
Of booze, met this cutie called Cass,                       
Who's young and who's tender                                
But not the right gender.                                   
Now boy, do I have a sore ass.                              
                                                            
 8658 BUGGERY - MALE                 Tiddy                    



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
The Sultan declared to his lackeys,                         
"For Sri Lankans I lust;                                    
To suck Mongols, I must;                                    
But my fantasy butts are Iraqis!"                           
                                                            
 8659 BUGGERY - MALE                 Magunda                  



In the back room of Frogsnipper's Bar,                      
Calmly puffing a two-bit cigar,                             
The owner was had                                           
By a curly-haired lad                                       
Who drives a lavender car.                                  
                                                            
 8660 BUGGERY - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  329 G0931



Jeff Gilooley's jail term was just starting,                
But already his asshole was smarting.                       
Because some big freaks                                     
Grabbed his sweet little cheeks,                            
And said "Let's pretend you're Tonya Harding!"              
                                                            
 8661 BUGGERY - MALE                 Cruelty Jones            



A pathetic perverse little limey                            
Can often be heard shouting, "Try Me!                       
You big hunk of guy.                                        
Come on, give it a try!                                     
My asshole's already quite slimy!"                          
                                                            
 8662 BUGGERY - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



She spoke in a tone that was sternest,                      
"The trouble within me now churnest.                        
I know why I was spurned,                                   
For when my back was turned                                 
I discovered my love was in Ernest."                        
                                                            
 8663 BUGGERY - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0951



Two gauchos from Buenos Aires                               
Rode out on the pampas and prairies.                        
Chortled one, midst his play,                               
"This is done, so they say,                                 
But with lamas (one L) in Benares."                         
                                                            
 8664 BUGGERY - MALE                 Arthur Deex         P8208



A big jock, who is hung like a horse,                       
Likes to bugger with vigorous force.                        
While the jock gets a thrill,                               
His good friends, Bob and Bill,                             
Think him just a pain in the arse.                          
                                                            
 8665 BUGGERY - MALE                 William N Nesbit    P0107



There was a queer fellow named Hector,                      
Who sought an affair with the rector.                       
What he put in the male                                     
Got him five years in jail,                                 
When picked up by the postal inspector.                     
                                                            
 8666 BUGGERY - MALE                 Albin Chaplin 3024  P8203



There's a quiet bar by the pool,                            
Where drinks are tall and quite cool.                       
When a fag saw his friend,                                  
Seated down near the end,                                   
He said, "Dear, may I push in your stool."                  
                                                            
 8667 BUGGERY - MALE                 Connie Lingus            



There once was a QUIXOTIC queer,                            
Whose preferences were quite unclear.                       
He like dildoed dame,                                       
Or a guy, just the same,                                    
As long as they ravaged his rear.                           
                                                            
 8668 BUGGERY - MALE                 Chris Papa               



A randy young student called Teddy                          
With his acolytes used to make ready,                       
Till the snoopy old Head                                    
Caught the bugger in bed,                                   
Up the arse of his twelve-year-old steady.                  
                                                            
 8669 BUGGERY - MALE                                     G1065



Mr. Saddam Hussien of Iraq,                                 
Has a smelly Arabian crack;                                 
It was not the scud rocket                                  
That stunk up his socket,                                   
But his brother, his dog, and a yak...                      
                                                            
 8670 BUGGERY - MALE                 Traka                    



A pretty young fairy named Yussel                           
Has the pederast world all a-bustle.                        
It's his darling pink hole                                  
And amazing control                                         
Over his sphinctereal muscle.                               
                                                            
 8671 BUGGERY - MALE                                     G1083



There was a young man name of Fern;                         
His ass hurt so much, it'd burn.                            
He stuffed it with cum,                                     
Which did help it some,                                     
But for a cock he really did yearn.                         
                                                            
 8672 BUGGERY - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was decadent Persian                             
Who had a peculiar perversion:                              
His subtlest joy           (When girls on him palled)       
Was an idiot boy,          (For a young man he called)      
On whom he performed "The Excursion."                       
                                                            
 8673 BUGGERY - MALE                                     G1030



"I'm indebted to all," said old Humphrey,                   
"So I'll offer you whiskey and rum free.                    
For my ass there will be                                    
A most reasonable fee,                                      
And for those without cash, you can thumb free."            
                                                            
 8674 BUGGERY - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0927



With Ernest, Frank stood in high score;                     
Outspoken, sincere to the core.                             
Upon this you could bank:                                   
Although Ernest was frank,                                  
Yet Frank was in Ernest much more.                          
                                                            
 8675 BUGGERY - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0948



He dreamed as he snoozed by the sea,                        
Someone with his ass had made free.                         
I could not but smile.                                      
I knew all the while,                                       
It wasn't a dream. It was me!                               
                                                            
 8676 BUGGERY - MALE                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Buggered fifty times standing and kneeling,                 
The catamite cried, sobbing, appealing:                     
"I know fun is fun,                                         
But -- not fifty-one!                                       
And you did say, "Just once more, with feeling!"            
                                                            
 8677 BUGGERY - MALE                 Anon                     



A pederast living in Errol,                                 
Used to bugger the bung of a barrel.                        
But was heard to lament,                                    
"In the old days I went                                     
Up the blue-blooded bum of an Earl.                         
                                                            
 8678 BUGGERY - PEERAGE                                  L0447



The fastidious Count De la Rue                              
Fucked his servingman up the rear flue.                     
"Nevermore," the Count snapped,                             
When the servingman crapped,                                
"Will I bugger a beggar like you!"                          
                                                            
 8679 BUGGERY - PEERAGE                                  G0953



There was a young man from Axminister,                      
Whose designs were quite base and quite sinister.           
His lifelong ambition                                       
Was anal coition                                            
With the wife of the French foreign minister.               
                                                            
 8680 BUGGERY - PEERAGE                                  L0450



There once was a salty old tar,                             
Whose codpiece went from here to...thar.                    
He'd slip it in portals                                     
Of landlubbing mortals --                                   
Including five Popes and a Tsar.                            
                                                            
 8681 BUGGERY - PEERAGE              Brian Belge              



A gentleman friend of Miss Boyle,                           
Imbued with desire to despoil,                              
Was advised that the gentry                                 
Should use the rear entry,                                  
For the front was commencing to spoil.                      
                                                            
 8682 BUGGERY - PEERAGE              Albin Chaplin   3024-1704



An old closet faggot, Lord Buckingham,                      
Remarked, "I love boys; I've stopped ducking 'em,"          
And added, "Who cares?                                      
I'll sample their wares,                                    
I fully intend to start fucking 'em."                       
                                                            
 8683 BUGGERY - PEERAGE              Armand E Singer       707



"I had rather believed," said the Earl,                     
"Room service would send up a girl.                         
But we have gone this far.                                  
And, well, there you are.                                   
And I say, let's give it a whirl."                          
                                                            
 8684 BUGGERY - PEERAGE              John Ciardi              



Lord Underslung carries a brolly                            
Which he tucks neath his arm on the trolley --              
Not the same bumbershoot                                    
He rubs under his snoot --                                  
'Twas with that one, he'd rogered his Dolly.                
                                                            
 8685 BUGGERY - PEERAGE              Robin K. Willoughby P8607



Then up spoke the King of Siam,                             
"For women, I don't give a damn,                            
But a fat-bottomed boy,                                     
Is my pride and my joy.                                     
You may call me a bugger. I am!"                            
                                                            
 8686 BUGGERY - PEERAGE              Norman Douglas      L0510



Overheard, in the voice of the Duke,                        
In reply to the Bishop's rebuke:                            
"When you bugger a boy                                      
You must give him some joy."                                
"I would if I could and not puke!"                          
                                                            
 8687 BUGGERY - PEERAGE              John Miller              



There was a young sailor from Uttocks                       
Who had the most beautiful buttocks.                        
They were used by large crowds                              
In the middlemost shrouds,                                  
Which were afterwards known as the futtocks.                
                                                            
 8688 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  G1072



Said a queer captain, name of Ramnugger:                    
"I shipped a whole crew just to bugger.                     
While the chubby first mate                                 
And the bosun are great,                                    
The cabin boy's arsehole is snugger."                       
                                                            
 8689 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  G1035



The skipper's corn-holing Tom Loy,                          
The ass full of glass cabin boy?                            
The rod he shoved in                                        
Came out sans foreskin,                                     
An obvious cabin boy ploy.                                  
                                                            
 8690 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                       



I'd bid him welcome to this crew,                           
Except for the inference he drew.                           
As Gals here are sparse,                                    
He'd best watch his arse,                                   
'Cause some guys don't care what they screw,                
                                                            
 8691 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Anon                     



New sailors on ships have high hope;                        
Old salts show them how to tie rope.                        
And they show them the games                                
With the fanciful names,                                    
And they teach them to play Drop the Soap.                  
                                                            
 8692 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0926



Yo ho ho!  And a barrel of rum;                             
It's empty and Jimmy is glum.                               
Devoid of apparel                                           
And crouched in the barrel;                                 
The bung-hole aligned with his bum.                         
                                                            
 8693 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Peter Wilkins            



"Don't fret," sayd the Cap'n to Jim.                        
"A seafarer's life can be grim;                             
But what can I do                                           
With a mutinous crew,                                       
Who demand I supply them with quim."                        
                                                            
 8694 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Peter Wilkins            



"But Cap'n,..."  "No buts, my dear boy;                     
I don't have a lass to employ.                              
You'll just have to bear it                                 
And bare it and share it;                                   
Good luck, Jim m'lad, and enjoy!"                           
                                                            
 8695 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Peter Wilkins            



But Jim was resourceful, by God,                            
And somehow got hold of a cod                               
Which he faced to the hole...                               
The result was quite droll,                                 
When it nipped off the next sailor's rod.                   
                                                            
 8696 BUGGERY - SAILORS              John Miller              



You'd think that would end it right there,                  
But the next one in line wished to share                    
Such a vigorous "cunt",                                     
Yelling, "Teeth out, you runt                               
In the barrel!  Use gums if you dare!"                      
                                                            
 8697 BUGGERY - SAILORS              John Miller              



Not wishing to do as was bid,                               
Jim's next substitute was a squid.                          
Ten arms lined with suckers                                 
Pleased sailors and truckers,                               
So much that they each paid a quid!                         
                                                            
 8698 BUGGERY - SAILORS              John Miller              



With his fortunes so greatly enhanced,                      
Jim quickly and surely advanced                             
To a ship of his own,                                       
Where a profit was shown                                    
Though it never left port, as it chanced.                   
                                                            
 8699 BUGGERY - SAILORS              John Miller              



If you join the navy, I must say                            
You'll enjoy it in every way.                               
You'll be part of the fleet,                                
You'll breathe air so sweet                                 
And you'll feel a new man every day.                        
                                                            
 8700 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Assailed by a typhoon at sea,                               
The Puritan captain cried "Whee!                            
The way that we're heaving                                  
Will end my deep grieving,                                  
At the sight of my crew's buggery!"                         
                                                            
 8701 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Norm Storer         P0209



Young cabin-boy Jim, sans apparel,                          
Climbed gingerly into the barrel;                           
His dung-hole aligned                                       
With the bung-hole assigned,                                
For the pleasure of Captain O'Farrell.                      
                                                            
 8702 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Peter Wilkins            



It's said that a drunken young sailor,                      
Will learn much from his very first jailer.                 
For down in the brig                                        
They're oft known to frig,                                  
And the new ones leave quite a bit paler.                   
                                                            
 8703 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Luke Sheppard            



A youth who seduced a poor lighterman,                      
Said, "I'd much sooner fuck than I'd fight a man,           
And although, Sir, I find                                   
You're very good grind,                                     
I must say I've had a much tighter man."                    
                                                            
 8704 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  L0485



Two sailors, asea on a sloop,                               
Were drifting, with spirits adroop.                         
Until one broke the gloom                                   
By hoisting his boom,                                       
And then manning the other one's poop.                      
                                                            
 8705 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Pat Byrnes               



Our ship's captain, nicknamed Old Randy,                    
Makes advances to any girl handy.                           
But when shipwrecked a while                                
On a bleak desert isle,                                     
He made do with a midshipman Sandy.                         
                                                            
 8706 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  G1036



There was a young man of Oswego,                            
Whose friends said, "Be off now, to sea go."                
He there learned the trick                                  
Of skinning his prick,                                      
And up arses thrusting his pego.                            
                                                            
 8707 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  L0500



A young man who lived in Balbriggan,                        
Went to sea to recover from frigging.                       
But after a week                                            
As they climbed the fore-peak,                              
He buggered the mate in the rigging.                        
                                                            
 8708 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  L0451



Pity poor seaman McQuig,                                    
Who is spending his life in the brig.                       
At captains inspection                                      
He had an erection                                          
When the skipper bent over the gig.                         
                                                            
 8709 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  G1005



An anal erotic named Hermann                                
Had a passion for buggering mermen.                         
He'd lure the poor swine                                    
From their haunts 'neath the Rhine                          
With songs in execrable German.                             
(execrable - dammable, detestable)                          
 8710 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                  G0982



There once was a cabinboy named Ned                         
Who bent down to get soap in the head.                      
He got a surprise                                           
When he started to rise:                                    
"I am your first mate," the Rear Admiral said!              
                                                            
 8711 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Garold Amadon            



There was a young man joined the Navy,                      
Said his friends to him, "You must be crazy!"               
And he was filled with fright                               
When he awoke one night,                                    
To his roommate pumping him full of gravy.                  
                                                            
 8712 BUGGERY - SAILORS                                       



When Blackbeard became melancholy,                          
He swouldn't seek strumpet or dolly.                        
Instead he'd locate                                         
Mister Jolly, the mate,                                     
And in pirate's parlance, Roger Jolly.                      
                                                            
 8713 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Martin Wellborn     P8802



While sleeping, a sailor from Twickenham,                   
Was aware of a strange object stickenham.                   
Before he could turn,                                       
He'd occasion to learn,                                     
His shipmate was plunging his prickenham.                   
                                                            
 8714 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Isaac Asimov             



An oversexed sailor called Nate                             
Is missing his pussy of late.                               
But when not in port,                                       
His only resort                                             
Is: "Hit on the grungy first mate."                         
                                                            
 8715 BUGGERY - SAILORS              The Sailor          P0308



There was a young sailor named Magee                        
Who hated to put out to sea.                                
The food there is fine,                                     
And the sunsets divine,                                     
But the bastards keep buggering me                          
                                                            
 8716 BUGGERY - SAILORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A health conscious homo named Ralph,                        
On the AIDS virus had the last laugh.                       
Said he, "My proportion                                     
Is such that contortion                                     
Allows me to bugger myself."                                
                                                            
 8717 BUGGERY - SELF                 Don Moore           P9401



There was a young queer from Saigon                         
Who said as he fondled his dong,                            
"If my cock I could bend                                    
'Round to my rear end,                                      
I'd fuck myself all the day long!                           
                                                            
 8718 BUGGERY - SELF                 Tom Hitchens             



There was a young man of Arras,                             
Who stretched himself out on the grass.                     
And with no little trouble,                                 
He bent himself double,                                     
And stuck his prick well up his ass.                        
                                                            
 8719 BUGGERY - SELF                                          



A man with himself made alliance                            
Shove his cock up his ass in defiance,                      
And he mocked every moral                                   
Whether written or oral,                                    
And defied every law known to science.                      
                                                            
 8720 BUGGERY - SELF                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1830



There was a young man from Chuboot,                         
Who had a remarkable root.                                  
When hard, it would bend                                    
With a curve at the end,                                    
So he fucked himself in the petoot.                         
                                                            
 8721 BUGGERY - SELF                                     L0461



A horny young fellow named Chuck                            
Was challenged to prove he had pluck.                       
So in utter defiance                                        
Of laws known to science,                                   
He engaged with himself in a fuck.                          
                                                            
 8722 BUGGERY - SELF                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0663



Another young man from Nantucket,                           
His prick was so long he could muck it.                     
He would twist back his pole                                
Till it met his asshole,                                    
And then he would tenderly fuck it.                         
                                                            
 8723 BUGGERY - SELF                                     G1019



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
Whose dick was so long he could suck it!                    
He said, though quite crass                                 
As he lubed up his ass                                      
"I have found a nice place I can tuck it!"                  
                                                            
 8724 BUGGERY - SELF                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a pervert named Manny                        
Who stuck his own prick up his fanny.                       
Now he's flailing about;                                    
Seem he can't get it out.                                   
He can't shit, he can't piss, it's uncanny!                 
                                                            
 8725 BUGGERY - SELF                 Anon                     



A contortionist actor named Sid                             
Could twist himself up like a squid.                        
Then a fellow from Delf                                     
Hollered, "Go fuck yourself!"                               
And, wonder of wonders, he did!                             
                                                            
 8726 BUGGERY - SELF                 Chuck Davis              



There was a young man who said, "Why                        
Can't I bugger myself, if I'm spry?    (suck my own cock)   
If I put my mind to it,   (Twist up like a worm,)           
I'm sure I can do it.     (And lick off all the sperm?)     
You never can tell till you try."                           
                                                            
 8727 BUGGERY - SELF                                     G0922



There was a young man from Arras,                           
Lying quiet and still on the grass.                         
With a sudden, huge lunge,                                  
He bent like a sponge,                                      
And stuck his own prick up his ass.                         
                                                            
 8728 BUGGERY - SELF                 Stephen Cordwell         



Ahere was a young fellow named Howell,                      
Who buggered himself with a trowel.                         
The triangular shape                                        
Was conducive to rape,                                      
And was easily cleaned with a towel.                        
                                                            
 8729 BUGGERY - SELF                                     L0474



There was a young fellow of Mayence,                        
Who fucked his own ass, in defiance                         
Not only of custom,                                         
And morals, dad-bust him,                                   
But most of the known laws of science.                      
                                                            
 8730 BUGGERY - SELF                                     L0322



Too young for the sixties; too dumb                         
By the time I did try out the bum.                          
You took you life in your hand                              
Fondling someone else's gland;                              
And I've had to make do with my thumb!                      
                                                            
 8731 BUGGERY - SELF                                          



A widow who lived in Berlin                                 
Cut the cock off her dead husband Flynn.                    
Up his dead ass she shoved it,                              
And she said, "He'd have loved it!                          
It's the only hole he'd not been in."                       
                                                            
 8732 BUGGERY - SELF                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1758



There once was a young man from Hope,                       
Whose joint was as long as a rope.                          
From shoulder to toe,                                       
Up his ass it would go                                      
And he'd tell us, 'twas a pigskin coat.                     
                                                            
 8733 BUGGERY - SELF                 Puff Adder               



A randy young pool shark named Stu                          
Came giddily out of the loo.                                
He said with a grin                                         
As he wiped off his chin,                                   
"I just cornholed myself with a cue!"                       
                                                            
 8734 BUGGERY - SELF                 Kevin's Limerick Page    



There was a strong man of Drumrig,                          
Who one day did seven times frig.                           
He buggered three sailors,                                  
Four Jews and two tailors,                                  
And ended by fucking a pig.                                 
(Published 1879)                                            
 8735 BUGGERY - SERIAL                                   L0289



A horny young fellow, Tom Tutt,                             
Who had a most wonderful butt,                              
Consented to all                                            
Who wanted to ball.                                         
You might say he was caught in a rut.                       
                                                            
 8736 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a stout Scot named MacPherson                     
Who cared not the sex of a person.                          
He fucked Mrs. MacFee                                       
And her daughter Jane Lee,                                  
And he next fucked her father and her son.                  
                                                            
 8737 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0727



A man, once, from old Saskatoon,                            
Took a ride in a hot-air balloon.                           
He fucked all the stars                                     
From Venus to Mars,                                         
And corn-holed the man in the Moon.                         
                                                            
 8738 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Derek                    



A handsome whore-hopper named Shumate                       
Acquired him a masculine screw-mate.                        
As they feathered the bird,                                 
There came up a third.                                      
Who said, "Let me in on that too, mate."                    
(feather the bird - anal intercourse)                       
 8739 BUGGERY - SERIAL                                  G1043a



There once was a gay Amarillian                             
Who was buggered outside the pavillion,                     
By a couple of freaks,                                      
And a whole gang of Greeks,                                 
Then twice by a horny Sicilian.                             
                                                            
 8740 BUGGERY - SERIAL               KJ                       



A serious-minded young lugger                               
Surprised all when he went out for rugger,                  
Till they found he spent hours                              
Stripped off in the showers,                                
Persuading the whole team to bugger.                        
                                                            
 8741 BUGGERY - SERIAL                                   G1000



There was a young lady of Cretchmore                        
Who found that her asshole would fetch more.                
To her utter dismay                                         
When she cornholed all day,                                 
Both her pussy and asshole would retch more.                
                                                            
 8742 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0914



I don't mean to tarnish your cheer,                         
But old Santa Claus is a queer!                             
He fondles the elves,                                       
Who pleasure themselves                                     
With a bugger up old Santa's rear.                          
                                                            
 8743 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Rex                      



Well screwed was a boy named Delpasse,                      
By all of the lads in his class.                            
He said, with a yawn,                                       
"Now the novelty's gone,                                    
Now it's only a pain in the ass."                           
                                                            
 8744 BUGGERY - SERIAL                                        



There was an old man they called Kevin;                     
Up his ass he could take at least seven!                    
But his piles were bad,                                     
And they made him quite mad,                                
When sometimes they'd sneak in eleven.                      
                                                            
 8745 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



There were three young men in Peru,                         
A German, a bugger, a Jew.                                  
The German he buggered                                      
The bugger, the bugger!                                     
The bugger, he buggered the Jew.                            
                                                            
 8746 BUGGERY - SERIAL                                   L0503



When you cruise the gay baths up in Frisco,                 
With your poppers and big can of Criso,                     
And uncountable tricks                                      
Poke your ass with their dicks,                             
How high, tell me please, does your risk go?                
                                                            
 8747 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



A lady was trapped in Madras                                
In a door that revolved, made of glass.                     
By its very construction                                    
She was saved from destruction,                             
But was fucked twenty times up the ass.                     
                                                            
 8748 BUGGERY - SERIAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0938



A young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyll,                      
While bent over plucking a dingle,                          
Had the whole Eisteddfod                                    
Taking turns at his pod                                     
While they sang some impossible jingle.                     
(Eisteddfor - Welsh arts festival)                          
 8749 BUGGERY - SERIAL                                   L0315



The young Sultan, ordinarily so mild,                       
When let loose in the harem goes wild.                      
He once buggered his two                                    
Hundred wives in a queue,                                   
And got 86 tapeworms with child.                            
                                                            
 8750 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS            Michael Weinstein   P8407



There once was a girl from Rhodesia                         
Who said, "If my cunt doesn`t please ya,                    
For an extra one,                                           
Shove it up my bum,                                         
But be careful the tapeworms don`t squeeze ya!"             
                                                            
 8751 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old hooker called Gretcha,                     
Who, for two pounds, would then let ya'.                    
And for five you could come                                 
Up her slimy old bum,                                       
But Jimmy the tapeworm might get ya'.                       
                                                            
 8752 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS            Jim Weaver Collection    



In Glascow, a tender tapeworm,                              
Was so starved that he barely could squirm.                 
Until his host finally                                      
Was buggered divinely,                                      
And Jimmie had vaseline and sperm.                          
                                                            
 8753 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS                                L0516



A pervert by the name of McNutt,                            
Thought he found the world's nastiest slut.                 
She was wall to wall zits,                                  
Had two scabs for tits,                                     
And three tapeworms hanging out of her butt.                
                                                            
 8754 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old girl of Silesia,                           
Who said, "As my cunt doesn't please ya,                    
You might as well come,                                     
Up my slimy old bum,                                        
Watch that Jimmy the tapeworm don't seize ya."              
                                                            
 8755 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS            Norman Douglas      L1057



In a clown once lived a tapeworm,                           
Also an intestinal germ.                                    
Sometimes they would lean                                   
On the walls of the spleen                                  
And talk to the playful young sperm.                        
                                                            
 8756 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS            David Robbins            



After licking the barely wiped butt                         
Of a grubby young lady-boy slut,                            
I gagged and I wretched,                                    
'Til I  finally fetched                                     
The tapeworm from out of my gut!"                           
                                                            
 8757 BUGGERY - TAPEWORMS                                     



Jimmy, the arrogant elf,                                    
Had his body parts stored on a shelf.                       
He boasted he'd eat                                         
His own arms, ears, and feet.                               
He did, now he's full of himself.                           
                                                            
 8758 CANNIBALS                      Phil T                   



There was a young man of Mauritius,                         
Who liked his food rich and nutritious.                     
He said with a sigh,                                        
He thought Baby Pie                                         
With the toes sticking through was delicious.               
                                                            
 8759 CANNIBALS                                          P8301



A grimmerick now in the making,                             
I will write, if my neighbor ain't faking,                  
For she's threatened to kill                                
Mr. Moore up the hill,                                      
And to use his remains in her baking.                       
                                                            
 8760 CANNIBALS                      Cap'n Bean          P0101



A few of the girls followed Moonie,                         
Until they found out he was loonie.                         
They cut off his moonrocks,                                 
Went back to the boondocks,                                 
And ate them on buns like a cooney!                         
                                                            
 8761 CANNIBALS                                               



A headmaster's son called McNaught                          
Got a fright of the nastiest sort,                          
For when cleaning his teeth                                 
He found bits of Keith                                      
And others his father once taught.                          
                                                            
 8762 CANNIBALS                      Michael Palin            



A cannibal once in a dream                                  
Conceived of a dish quite supreme.                          
And to his delight                                          
He was served it one night:                                 
Fresh Bwanas in heavy sour cream.                           
                                                            
 8763 CANNIBALS                                               



An earnest young man of Zimbabwe,                           
Believed that to death he should stab me.                   
Pursuing this thesis,                                       
He'd hack me to pieces,                                     
And he and his friends could kebab me.                      
                                                            
 8764 CANNIBALS                      X. Rowland Burnham  P8512



In cannibalistic society,                                   
They murder but never in first degree.                      
For by the time                                             
They try the crime,                                         
Corpus delicious but not delicti.                           
                                                            
 8765 CANNIBALS                      Irving Superior     P8501



Alone in the jungle, poor Peppard,                          
Is being attacked by a leopard.                             
Some cannibals, they,                                       
Made both a saute --                                        
Delicious, especially peppered.                             
                                                            
 8766 CANNIBALS                      Irving Superior     P8301



A young Highland laddie called Connor,                      
Fought bravely to defend his own honour.                    
His foe ended dead,                                         
(He'd chopped off the head,)                                
To make a kebab called a Donner.                            
(Donner Party cannibalized itself during gold rush Calif)   
 8767 CANNIBALS                      Jim Weaver Collection    



My heart will go on - well, on what?                        
Maybe a buffet with my butt!                                
Putting spleen on the table,                                
Those willing and able,                                     
Can savor the sauce of my gut!                              
                                                            
 8768 CANNIBALS                                               



I went over to borrow a scarf of Gus                        
And discovered him in his sarcophagus.                      
He was gnawing his knuckles                                 
With grunts and with chuckles,                              
And becoming his own athropophagus.                         
                                                            
 8769 CANNIBALS                      Laurence Perrine    P8301



Now Walmart has opened a store                              
In the Congolese jungle; no more                            
Do the cannibals eat                                        
Their traditional meat                                      
Full of vitamins, gristle and gore.                         
                                                            
 8770 CANNIBALS                      Peter Wilkins            



Instead they just open a can                                
Labelled "Fat-free and pre-processed man."                  
But the way it's produced                                   
Means the taste is reduced,                                 
For they substitute gristle with bran.                      
                                                            
 8771 CANNIBALS                      Peter Wilkins            



Two monkeys who lived in a tree                             
Decided to go on a spree.                                   
In the bar where they went                                  
There were cannibals bent                                   
On getting them stewed to a tee.                            
                                                            
 8772 CANNIBALS                      Warrick Elrod            



The British are pallid and pasty                            
But this shouldn't make you too hasty,                      
(Despite your unease                                        
Over mad cow disease)                                       
To conclude: British, stewed, can be tasty.                 
                                                            
 8773 CANNIBALS                      John Miller              



"I say what's that fightful ado;                            
All that drum-beating hullabaloo?"                          
"Celebrations I fear,                                       
At McCannibal's, dear;                                      
It's an advert for Missionary Stew."                        
                                                            
 8774 CANNIBALS                      Peter Wilkins            



"Good heavens!  McCannibals eh?                             
It was only a fortnight today                               
That poor Brigadier Fergus                                  
Was made into burgers;                                      
It's time we took action, I say."                           
                                                            
 8775 CANNIBALS                      Peter Wilkins            



And what about poor Reverend King?                          
I hear he got captured last spring.                         
Do you think that he too,                                   
Got turned into stew?                                       
Does anyone eat Burger King?                                
                                                            
 8776 CANNIBALS                      Tiddy Ogg                



The Reverend's assistant, Curate Wicken                     
Was added to make the stew thicken.                         
But he was stringy and tough                                
And his skin was so rough,                                  
That they gave him to Kentucky Fried Chicken.               
                                                            
 8777 CANNIBALS                      Tony Burrell             



A cannibal who lived in New Guinea                          
Met a scientist he thought was too skinny.                  
He fed her, of course,                                      
Till she looked like a horse,                               
And whenever he'd stroke her, she'd whinny.                 
                                                            
 8778 CANNIBALS                      Neal Wilgus         P8302



A cannibal shaped like an elf                               
Was quite poor with no food on the shelf.                   
So his hunger to kill it,                                   
He jumped in his skillet,                                   
And feasted while eating himself.                           
                                                            
 8779 CANNIBALS                                               



A cannibal, grizzled and gray,                              
Had a window, enormously bay,                               
And fed up with people,                                     
He sat on a steeple,                                        
Until he had wasted away.                                   
                                                            
 8780 CANNIBALS                                          P8301



As a cannibal Heeze was top-shelf,                          
There were none in his tribe with more pelf.                
Chewed his nails, bit his lips,                             
Gulped his arms, then his hips,                             
Now they say, "Heeze so full of himself."                   
                                                            
 8781 CANNIBALS                                               



If I hit the hot-pot with you,                              
I'd likely get into a stew.                                 
How could I enmesh                                          
With an eater of flesh?                                     
Or ain't that what cannibals do?                            
                                                            
 8782 CANNIBALS                      Jane D. Hughes      P9101



There are cannibals near Timbuktu                           
Who make a mouth-watering stew.                             
But when asked to reveal                                    
What comprises this meal,                                   
They'll say, "Gravy, potatoes -- and YOU!"                  
                                                            
 8783 CANNIBALS                                          P8301



On Halloween night up in Maine;                             
The kiddies all sang a refrain:                             
"This morning we ate                                        
All your guts from a plate,                                 
And tonight we'll be munching your brain."                  
                                                            
 8784 CANNIBALS                      Cap'n Bean          P0209



"In my role as the public's protector,"                     
Said a government livestock inspector,                      
"It wasn't spring lamb                                      
Being sold by the gram,                                     
In the meat shop of Hannibal Lecter.                        
                                                            
 8785 CANNIBALS                                               



There once was a fagot named Hector,                        
With insane guys, was not a detector.                       
Now Hector is gone,                                         
Except for one bone,                                        
He had lunch with Doc Hannibal Lecter.                      
                                                            
 8786 CANNIBALS                                               



Hannibal Lecter said, "Just listen here,                    
There is nothing as nice as an ear,                         
With butter that drips,                                     
And crispy fried chips,                                     
Washed down with a cold stein of beer."                     
                                                            
 8787 CANNIBALS                      Vertech Limerick Contest 



Hannibal went in to a shrink                                
Who told him his mind was a sink.                           
So Han swallowed that clown                                 
And then washed him down,                                   
With a cup of red blood for a drink.                        
                                                            
 8788 CANNIBALS                      Mike Pollack (Peg Kay?)  



It was good to the last drop, and then                      
Hannibal, wiping his chin,                                  
Said (devoid of remorse),                                   
"I could eat a plowhorse --                                 
Kindly bring the next therapist in."                        
                                                            
 8789 CANNIBALS                      Marry Sullivan           



Hannibal was choosing among                                 
Giblets and nicely cooked tongue,                           
Trying hard to avoid                                        
The heirs of old Freud,                                     
Insisting that he have them Jung.                           
                                                            
 8790 CANNIBALS                      Mary Sullivan            



If on neighbors he munches a lot,                           
He should stop at the middle-most spot.                     
That's averse to my taste                                   
But it's sinful, the waist,                                 
When indulging in prime food for thought.                   
                                                            
 8791 CANNIBALS                      Peg Kay                  



Han's appetite quickly increased;                           
Dreamed of bread and the sweet smell of yeast.              
Spread with loving labor,                                   
The limbs of his neighbor.                                  
A sandwich?  A veritable feast!                             
                                                            
 8792 CANNIBALS                      Mary Sullivan            



Such verse is offensive to Hannibal,                        
Who is, as you've noticed, aa cannibal.                     
So watch and be wary,                                       
Dear Peggy and Mary;                                        
Quite likely escape is unplannable.                         
                                                            
 8793 CANNIBALS                      Peg Kay                  



"I'm sorry for young Mrs Gibbs,                             
Whose infants got SIDS in their cribs,"                     
Said Hannibal Lector.                                       
"To show I respect her,                                     
I'm dining on baby-back ribs."                              
(sudden infant death syndrome)                              
 8794 CANNIBALS                      Anon                     



Inspired is the cooking of Phil;                            
Nouvelle, Haute Cuisine or a grill,                         
But caveat emptor                                           
'Cause Hannibal Lector                                      
Dines here, and he eats his fill!                           
                                                            
 8795 CANNIBALS                                               



I called an old ghoul-friend, Miss Wall,                    
Who was cooking when she took my call.                      
She wasn't specific,                                        
Said her meal was terrific,                                 
And told me she's having a ball!                            
                                                            
 8796 CANNIBALS                      John Miller              



There was an old man of Omoo                                
Whose tastes were decidedly few.                            
He would roll up his eyes                                   
In affected surprise,                                       
If you said, "I'm a cannibal too."                          
                                                            
 8797 CANNIBALS                                          P8301



While stirring tomatoes, chef Willie                        
Got dizzy and felt a bit silly.                             
He complained he felt hot                                   
As he fell in the pot;                                      
When the kettle boiled down, he was chili.                  
                                                            
 8798 CANNIBALS                      Albin Chaplin 3024  P8812



The head of the school of St Bride,                         
Had a terrible secret to hide,                              
For he'd boiled six boys                                    
When they made too much noise,                              
Then he caught seven more, which he fried.                  
                                                            
 8799 CANNIBALS                      Anon                     



"I'm Otto," he said. "I'm Hungarian;                        
Though hungry, I'm strict vegetarian."                      
"Me too, see this pot;                                      
Climb in; get real hot.                                     
I'll eat you; I humanitarian."                              
                                                            
 8800 CANNIBALS                      Tiddy Ogg                



The creature named Chris was a carnivore                    
But he didn't buy meat at the grocery store.                
He'd prowl through the street,                              
Look for someone to eat,                                    
And when finished would hunt for some more.                 
                                                            
 8801 CANNIBALS                      O H Powell               



I'm adored by a maid 'cross the sea;                        
Read the letters she's sending to me;                       
She says there's a spot                                     
For me in her pot;                                          
Her name is Sweet Cannibal Lee.                             
                                                            
 8802 CANNIBALS                      Hugh Clary               



I do like fried Camembert cheese,                           
So I spread some all over Louise.                           
Then I cooked her on gas                                    
For my supper -- alas.                                      
She had indigestible knees.                                 
                                                            
 8803 CANNIBALS                      Peter Wilkins            



All the sex manuals say that you should                     
Look on foreplay as something quite good.                   
But Jeffrey L. Dahmer                                       
Who made front page glamour                                 
Says, "One should not play with one's food."                
                                                            
 8804 CANNIBALS                      Don Moore           P9108



Is that what you pay to join in,                            
A brat-splatting orgy of sin?                               
Let's thrash 'em, and beat 'em;                             
When tender, we'll eat 'em;                                 
Come on, let the party begin.                               
                                                            
 8805 CANNIBALS                                               



It is rather unfair and a shame                             
That cannibals have a bad name.                             
When their tribe has increased,                             
They engage in a feast,                                     
Thus keeping their number the same.                         
                                                            
 8806 CANNIBALS                                          P8211



As the cannibals in town grew RESTIVE,                      
My guide said, "It'd be best if                             
We hit the road,                                            
Leaving our load,                                           
Before their thoughts turn digestive."                      
                                                            
 8807 CANNIBALS                      Norm                     



There once was a woman named Joan                           
Who greeted J.D. with a moan.  (Jeffery Dahmer)             
She ordered a liver                                         
The size of a sliver                                        
And found out that it was her own.                          
                                                            
 8808 CANNIBALS                                               



I wouldn't go to dinner with a cannibal,                    
As his pot is probably be too small;                        
To fit the size of me,                                      
He'd have breakfast, and tea,                               
Having enough left to fill up his hall.                     
                                                            
 8809 CANNIBALS                      Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Christmas is over and done,                             
And didn't we all have some fun,                            
With weird Uncle Ken                                        
Who loves little children,                                  
But says he can't eat a whole one.                          
                                                            
 8810 CANNIBALS                      Tony Burrell             



A visitor know as McGraw                                    
Seized a child and ate it up raw.                           
As he gazed at his host                                     
And recalled Emily Post,                                    
He inquired, "Did I make a faux pas?"                       
                                                            
 8811 CANNIBALS                                          P8301



An explorer, so cool under heat,                            
In a cannibal pot, sang such sweet                          
Bedtime songs, his guard dozed...                           
Their roles juxtaposed...                                   
One man's poise 'n' another man's meat.                     
                                                            
 8812 CANNIBALS                      Prof M-G                 



This talk of cannibal rioting;                              
Quite shocking, most disquieting.                           
Your brain's in a mess,                                     
Which leads me to guess,                                    
That currently, you are dieting.                            
                                                            
 8813 CANNIBALS                      Chris Papa               



A fakir who lives by the Ganges                             
Exists on society's flange; he's                            
Obliged to hunt scraps                                      
Where others take craps,                                    
And chew upon dead man's phalanges.                         
                                                            
 8814 CANNIBALS                      Armand E Singer       484



Man's reproduction will smother                             
The ability of the Earth Mother                             
To feed populations,                                        
So stop copulations,                                        
Or we'll surely be eating each other.                       
                                                            
 8815 CANNIBALS                      Jan Sand                 



For Christmas, gay cannibal, Zhmed,                         
Gave personal presents instead.                             
To all of his friends                                       
To start some new trends:                                   
Gay Zhmed gave each one some new head!                      
                                                            
 8816 CANNIBALS                                               



Before Auntie went in the pot,                              
The stripped her to see what she's got.                     
How she must have moaned                                    
While she was being boned.                                  
At least she was eaten while hot.                           
                                                            
 8817 CANNIBALS                      Anon                     



A young anthropologist, Drew,                               
Says fieldwork can lead one askew:                          
"If you make a bungle                                       
Out there in the jungle,                                    
You might well end up in a stew!"                           
                                                            
 8818 CANNIBALS                      Norm Storer         P0108



The poster has just set the tone                            
'Bout steaks you have right off the bone.                   
The way things are ruled                                    
You cannot be fooled --                                     
No women are served.  Bring your own.                       
                                                            
 8819 CANNIBALS                      Bill Backe-Hansen   P8804



You are a very sad man indeed,                              
As eating of pets is just greed.                            
As what would you do,                                       
If we wanted a stew,                                        
Would you offer yourself as a feed?                         
                                                            
 8820 CANNIBALS                      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young cannibal, Ned,                            
Who liked to eat onions in bed.                             
His mother said, "Sonny,                                    
It's not very funny,                                        
Why don't you eat people instead?"                          
                                                            
 8821 CANNIBALS                      G Nash                   



A cannibal tribe, on hot rocks,                             
Cooked two fat physicians in crocks.                        
They were boiled then were braised,                         
And then highly appraised,                                  
As being a fine pair o'docs.                                
                                                            
 8822 CANNIBALS                      Bob Giandomenico    P9504



Two cannibal thieves wearing hoods,                         
Fell out over ill-gotten goods.                             
Though each swore, "I'm your friend!"                       
It all came to an end,                                      
When a thief passed his friend in the woods.                
                                                            
 8823 CANNIBALS                      John Miller 0147         



I work in pathology labs                                    
With bodies from mortuary slabs.                            
The soft inner parts,                                       
Such as kidneys and hearts,                                 
Make wonderfully tasty kebabs.                              
                                                            
 8824 CANNIBALS                      Peter Wilkins       P9806



When we've wiped out the birds and the fishes               
And all of the animal species,                              
We'll have nothing to eat                                   
Except potted meat,                                         
"Potted Meat! Human meat! It's delicious!"                  
                                                            
 8825 CANNIBALS                      Laurence Perrine    P8301



A certain young man of great gumption,                      
Among cannibals had the presumption,                        
To go--but, alack!                                          
He never came back.                                         
They say that he died of consumption.                       
                                                            
 8826 CANNIBALS                      Schweppes 1955      P0206



Take twelve hamsters, beat flat with a pole,                
Put together with salt in a bowl,                           
Then blend well, add the kid --                             
Pop on the lid;                                             
Ovenbaked, it's a yum casserole.                            
                                                            
 8827 CANNIBALS                      Ulla                     



This treatment of dear little pets                          
Is something that dearly upsets                             
Me, the wife and the kiddies,                               
Assorted old biddies,                                       
And most ASPCA vets!                                        
                                                            
 8828 CANNIBALS                      Indiana Millwart         



Breeding hamsters are such a cute sight                     
And I forward this thing with all might.                    
Take a gross hamster kids,                                  
Stick 'em on kebab-sticks,                                  
Fry -- with sauce, a delight!                               
                                                            
 8829 CANNIBALS                      Ulla                     



In Peruvian blizzards and snow,                             
We survived on dead comrades till o-                        
Nly myself and a mate                                       
Were left eating a plate                                    
Of remains.  (They were Andes, you know...)                 
                                                            
 8830 CANNIBALS                      Peter Wilkins            



A cannibal cook yclept Paul                                 
Was eating an arm in the hall.                              
As he spit out the pit,                                     
He looked up and said, "Shit!                               
If the fall, we will all have a ball."                      
                                                            
 8831 CANNIBALS                      Mel Stover          G2453



By the cannibals, held was young Spinks,                    
Pricked with knives, his blood slurped by those finks.      
With no sign of relief,                                     
He complained to the chief:                                 
"Must I always get stuck for the drinks?"                   
                                                            
 8832 CANNIBALS                                          P8301



A woman as daft as can be,                                  
Dismembered a fellow named Lee;                             
She simmered his brains,                                    
Then she boxed his remains,                                 
And she buried them under a tree.                           
                                                            
 8833 CANNIBALS                      Cap'n Bean          P0104



Two cannibals were eating a clown                           
(From a wreck, but alas didn't drown).                      
One looked at the other                                     
And said, "My dear brother,                                 
This tastes funny. I can't keep it down!"                   
                                                            
 8834 CANNIBALS                      Friar                    



A cannibal from Timbuctoo                                   
Thought human flesh scarcely would do.                      
A tough appetizer,                                          
It took tenderizer                                          
To make a digestible stew.                                  
                                                            
 8835 CANNIBALS                      Warrick Elrod            



The cannibals, once you are dead,                           
Eat everything except your head.                            
Since they pre-arrange                                      
To make an exchange,                                        
With nearby headhunters, instead.                           
                                                            
 8836 CANNIBALS                      Irving Superior          



A cannibal, chewing the arm                                 
Of a man who had done him great harm,                       
Called out to his wife,                                     
"Hey, bring me a knife!                                     
This guy must have worked on a farm."                       
                                                            
 8837 CANNIBALS                      Limber Limericks    P8301



A hardy young lady named Annabel                            
Was terribly frayed by old Hannibal,                        
But it did not compare                                      
To the wear and the tear                                    
Of the time she was ate by a cannibal.                      
                                                            
 8838 CANNIBALS                      Albin Chaplin 3024  P8301



They've ceased to be friends, it's been heard,              
After one screamed a vile, ugly word.                       
They fought 'til the winner                                 
Smacked his lips after dinner,                              
And said, "Now, former friend, you're a turd."              
                                                            
 8839 CANNIBALS                      Jim Weaver Collection    



Then they questioned the King of the Cannibals,             
If 'twere true that he did it with animals?                 
"Oh, I boast of the same,                                   
For to say to your shame                                    
That they have far superior genitals.                       
                                                            
 8840 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                 G1056



A cannibal chief did discover                               
His wife and a friend 'neath the cover.                     
He roared, "Seize the sot.                                  
Throw him into the pot.                                     
Tonight I will dine on chopped lover."                      
                                                            
 8841 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                      



A cannibal chief from Saint Kitts,                          
Liked barbequed clerics with grits.                         
When he'd come to a ball,                                   
He'd down scrotum and all,                                  
But with arms, he would spit out the pits.                  
                                                            
 8842 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS             Anon                     



Said the cannibal cook to King Zoth,                        
"Will these pickpockets make too much froth?"               
Said the King, "Yes, my son,                                
You should only stew one,                                   
For too many crooks spoil the broth!"                       
                                                            
 8843 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                 P8301



Said a man, "Gad, I'm feeling terrific,                     
I've decided to swim the Pacific."                          
But halfway on a reef,                                      
A cannibal chief                                            
Ate him up -- now I call that horrific.                     
                                                            
 8844 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                 P8301



As the cook stewed a family named Skinner,                  
The Chief said, "We're all getting thinner!                 
So starting tonight,                                        
For improved appetite,                                      
We're serving eyeballs before dinner!"                      
                                                            
 8845 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                 P8301



A cannibal's not very tall,                                 
But he'll eat a man's hair, bones and all.                  
As the chief ate his stew,                                  
Said, "Don't know about you,                                
But for me... I'm just having a ball."                      
                                                            
 8846 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                      



As the natives got ready to serve                           
A midget explorer named Merve,                              
"This meal will be brief",                                  
Said the cannibal chief,                                    
"For this is at best an hors d'oeuvre."                     
                                                            
 8847 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS             Ed Cunningham       P0211



There was an explorer, MacLean,                             
Who dined with a cannibal queen;                            
Although they were meet'n                                   
To eat or be eat'n                                          
There were no remains to be seen.                           
                                                            
 8848 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                      



An African Chief of Zaire                                   
Supped on missionary and beer.                              
But today when he dines,                                    
It's on lobster and wines,                                  
For he's at the UN now, I hear.                             
                                                            
 8849 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS             Warrick Elrod            



A cannibal monarch imperial,                                
Kept his wives on a diet of cereal,                         
But he didn't much care,                                    
What the women should wear,                                 
Nor did they, it was quite immaterial.                      
                                                            
 8850 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS                                      



A cannibal chief, named of Fred,                            
Complained to his cook, "You shithead!                      
With feet it's OK                                           
To serve white or rose,                                     
But with buttocks, you gotta serve red."                    
                                                            
 8851 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS             Michael Weinstein   P9408



A cannibal chief from Botswana                              
Said "Oh, it would be sheer Nirvana,                        
If only I could,                                            
In full babyhood,                                           
Saute an hors d'oeuvre from Montana."                       
                                                            
 8852 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS             OgniGioia                



A cannibal chief (and a varlet)                             
Consumed an Italian harlot.                                 
So it's no surprise                                         
His breath stings your eyes,                                
And his farts smell exactly like garlic.                    
                                                            
 8853 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS             Lanark                   



A trader, named Sandy McVeetie,                             
With a cannibal king made a treaty.                         
In a glass of gin-sling                                     
Mac toasted the king,                                       
And they the king toasted McVeetie.                         
                                                            
 8854 CANNIBALS - CHIEFS             F. J. Smith              



Jeffrey Dahjmer would call this a winner,                   
But it's sure to make some people thinner.                  
When their airplane went "Crunch",                          
Needing something for lunch,                                
The survivors had family for dinner.                        
                                                            
 8855 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Anon                     



A starving young fellow named Moffin                        
Ate his brother and sister to soften                        
His intense hunger pains.                                   
To respect the remains,                                     
He committed his turds to a coffin.                         
                                                            
 8856 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Albin Chaplin   3024-2999



The cannibals caught poor Aunt May,                         
And battered, then fried her that day.                      
The crust of her bust                                       
Was a must for the lust-                                    
Ful, who'd nibble poor May clean away.                      
                                                            
 8857 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Tiddy Ogg                



The cannibals are a brave bunch.                            
They're having an auntie for lunch.                         
They don't eat 'em stewed                                   
Because it's so rude,                                       
To bite on the bones with a "crunch!"                       
                                                            
 8858 CANNIBALS - FAMILY                                      



A necrophagus fellow was Krupp;                             
On his mother who died, he did sup.                         
Though he ate her in haste,                                 
She did not suit his taste,                                 
So he dug a fresh grave and threw up.                       
                                                            
 8859 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Albin Chaplin            



Said daddy one night when well-oiled,                       
"My girls are too sweet to be spoiled.                      
I dote on their tresses,                                    
Their dimples, and dresses;                                 
They'd taste simply marvelous broiled.                      
                                                            
 8860 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Childs Almanac WordsP0202



There was an old fellow from Malta,                         
Who strangled his aunt with a halter.                       
He said, "I won't bury her;                                 
She'll do for my terrier.                                   
She'll keep for a month if I salt her."                     
                                                            
 8861 CANNIBALS - FAMILY                                      



A cannibal eating his brother,                              
Said, "He's not quite as tender as Mother,                  
Nor so juicy and sweet.                                     
Still, I like him to eat.                                   
'Tis writ, 'We must love one another.'"                     
                                                            
 8862 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Laurence Perrine    P8301



A cannibal said to his wife,                                
"Go get me the serrated knife.                              
I haven't had food                                          
Since I ate Uncle Jude,                                     
And YOU'VE lived a well rounded life."                      
                                                            
 8863 CANNIBALS - FAMILY                                 P8301



Young Willy, with gobbles and grunts,                       
Ate his mamma and papa for lunts;                           
And when he was through                                     
He ate himself too,                                         
And didn't say grace even wunts.                            
                                                            
 8864 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Willard R Espy      P0307



Uncle Jim has been sent up the river;                       
The old stories he tells makes me shiver;                   
He's been somewhat unwise                                   
Forming close family ties,                                  
Making sausage of Grandfather's liver.                      
                                                            
 8865 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Mark Levy           P9508



An accident led to the slaughter                            
Of Butcher McCavity's daughter;                             
Unfortunate spinster,                                       
He diced her and minced her,                                
And sold her for fourpence a quarter.                       
                                                            
 8866 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Peter Wilkins            



An old Irish witch named Maloney,                           
Cackled, "Chicken is terribly bony.                         
But a son or a daughter                                     
Will make your mouth water,                                 
And is boneless as fresh-cut baloney."                      
                                                            
 8867 CANNIBALS - FAMILY                                      



I don't think that there's any question --                  
My aunts aren't fit for ingestion!                          
They are so old and tough,                                  
You couldn't boil them enough --                            
The cannibals would get indigestion!                        
                                                            
 8868 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Kaylin Brandon           



He mumbled "those aunts will not do."                       
As he kept on stirring the stew.                            
"I know what oughta                                         
Make my mouth water...                                      
My wife would be tender to chew."                           
                                                            
 8869 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             MrMalo                   



My old lady served on a bun;                                
Or hung jerky to dry in the sun.                            
Bet a dime to a dollar                                      
She'd be hard to swaller,                                   
But shitting her, sure would be fun.                        
                                                            
 8870 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             MrMalo                   



Alex Haley's book Roots is a winner.                        
How Kunta Kinte, the old sinner,                            
The night just before                                       
He left the dark shore                                      
Had my grandfather over...for dinner.                       
                                                            
 8871 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Arthur Deex         P8301



A greenie fanatic was Annie,                                
At cookery she was so canny,                                
When her mother dies,                                       
She's turned into pies.                                     
"Come on, kids, let's recycle granny."                      
                                                            
 8872 CANNIBALS - FAMILY                                      



There was a young lady from Hannibal,                       
Who won local fame as a cannibal,                           
By eating her mother,                                       
Her father, her brother,                                    
And two sisters, Gertrude, and Annabel.                     
                                                            
 8873 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             John Ciardi              



In the village of Jigamafloo,                               
They don't look at the world as we do.                      
When a gentleman dies,                                      
His widow shouts, "Surprise!                                
Now we'll all have a little more stew!"                     
                                                            
 8874 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Graham Lester            



Two cannibals sat down to dine                              
When one to the other did whine,                            
"My mother-in'law                                           
Is tasteless and blah."                                     
The other said, "Try some of mine."                         
                                                            
 8875 CANNIBALS - FAMILY                                      



Two cannibals lounged on the grass                          
And one moaned, for they suffered from gas.                 
One moaned to the other,                                    
"I've eaten your brother."                                  
His friend answered, "This too shall pass."                 
                                                            
 8876 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Liam Reidy          P8502



The cannibals thought this a winner,                        
And since they don't want to get thinner,                   
They've sent invitation                                     
To all our relation...                                      
We're having an uncle for dinner.                           
                                                            
 8877 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Frank Fazed              



A cannibal bold of Penzance,                                
Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,                          
A cow and her calf,                                         
An ox and a half,                                           
And now he can't button his pants.                          
                                                            
 8878 CANNIBALS - FAMILY                                      



A sausage supplier named Flynn,                             
Was arrested and charged with a sin:                        
Mixing dog-meat with beef,                                  
Even cats, and --good grief--                               
They suspect his wife too, was mixed in.                    
                                                            
 8879 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Carl Ludvig Hansen  P9305



A cannibal, one old man Swisser,                            
Said to his host, "This soup's bliss, sir.                  
I'll say for the group                                      
Your wife makes great soup."                                
"I know," said the host, "but I'll miss her."               
                                                            
 8880 CANNIBALS - FAMILY             Fred Cohen          P8407



Two cannibals out in Bengal                                 
Were eating a preacher named Paul.                          
"How's it going there, Fred?"                               
Said the man at the head.                                   
Said the other, "I'm having a ball."                        
                                                            
 8881 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Albin Chaplin 3024  P8301



The first fellow stood up aghast,                           
Observing his comrade's reppast.                            
"Slow down," he said, "Fred,                                
For I'm still at the head.                                  
I'm afraid that your're eating too fast."                   
                                                            
 8882 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Albin Chaplin 3024  P8301



"If cannibals voted," said Spence,                          
"I don't doubt that both of the gents                       
Who are running would swear                                 
To give tribes everywhere                                   
Missionaries at public expense."                            
                                                            
 8883 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         A. N. Wilkins       P8411



There once was a cannibal priest                            
Who was summoned to bless the deceased;                     
He mumbled a prayer                                         
Then he pulled up a chair                                   
And he had a most marvelous feast.                          
                                                            
 8884 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Cap'n Bean          P0206



Said the cannibal chief in a snit,                          
"Born again Christians give me a fit.                       
They're quite untidy,                                       
Act high and mighty,                                        
And generally so full of shit."                             
                                                            
 8885 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Tom Patton          P9701



A cannibal once asked his guest                             
What missionary soup he liked best.                         
Said the guest: 'Fear no waste,                             
I have Catholic taste,                                      
But a Protestant's fine, if you're pressed.'                
                                                            
 8886 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Jennifer Curry      P0312



Brother Thomas aspired to deliver                           
Christ to cannibals down the Nile River.                    
One tribe welcomed his heart--                              
Every man got a part,                                       
But the chieftain claimed all of his liver.                 
                                                            
 8887 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         William N. Nesbit   P9701



The cannibals taught by Monk Kitt                           
For conversion were slow to submit.                         
Now and then they would feast                               
On a monk or a priest                                       
And convert men of God into shit.                           
                                                            
 8888 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Albin Chaplin            



In Uganda the tribes took delight                           
When black bishops took part in God's fight.                
Said the cannibal chief,                                    
"It's a blessed relief.                                     
We can choose between dark meat and white."                 
                                                            
 8889 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Al Chaplin          P9702



The priest was from Britain, a limey.                       
He said, "God has said you should untie me."                
When he saw the sauce pan,                                  
He exclaimed, "What's your plan?                            
My God, you don't plan to deep-fry me?"                     
                                                            
 8890 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Al Willis           P9701



An innocent preacher named Skinner,                         
In Swaziland hardly a winner.                               
Chief guest at a feast                                      
Wound up the deceased:                                      
No diner was he, but the dinner.                            
                                                            
 8891 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Armand E Singer     P0305



When the cannibals lighted their fires                      
To boil a Franciscan named Meyers,                          
The chief told the cook,                                    
"The recipe book                                            
Says you don't boil Franciscans.  They're friars.           
                                                            
 8892 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         A. N. Wilkins       P9206



Said a missionary named Hugh,                               
"I was screwing the natives, that's true.                   
The cannibal chief                                          
Is giving me grief,                                         
That's why I find myself in this stew."                     
                                                            
 8893 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Tom Patton          P9701



A parson grew tired of his grange;                          
Went off on a foreign exchange.                             
Traveled like Hannibal;                                     
Met with a cannibal;                                        
Found his last home -- on the range.                        
                                                            
 8894 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         John E Mayhood      P9901



It's hard to believe, but it's true                         
That proselitizers oft screw;                               
Male cannibals, though,                                     
Are backward, not slow;                                     
They'll throw men of God in the stew.                       
                                                            
 8895 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Mark Levy           P9701



"The white man just calls me a creature;                    
He thinks that he's some kind of teacher.                   
He changes our rules,                                       
And he thinks we're damn fools.                             
I think we should boil that damn preacher.                  
                                                            
 8896 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Al Willis           P9701



Some sisters just up from Cape Town                         
About cannibals asked Father Brown.                         
Said he, "You'll be spurned                                 
By those tribes, for they've learned                        
That they can't keep a good woman down.                     
                                                            
 8897 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY                             P8301



"These cannibals, all nullifidian,"                         
Said an old missionary from Gideon,                         
"When they make me their feast                              
Will finally, at least,                                     
Be getting a taste of religion."                            
(nullifidian - no faith or beliefs, atheistic)              
 8898 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         A. N. Wilkins       P8511



At lunch with Atilla the Hun,                               
I ordered a roast corn-fed nun.                             
He said, "We have monks                                     
Served on pineapple chunks."                                
I said, "Okay."  And he gave me one.                        
                                                            
 8899 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Bill Wall                



Astute Melanesians on Munda,                                
Heard a Padre discussing the wunda,                         
Of Virginal Birth,                                          
They debated its worth,                                     
Then tore the poor Padre asunda.                            
                                                            
 8900 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Anon                L1660



Since missionaries taste like duck,                         
The cannibals would fingers suck,                           
If "Mish" at dinnertime.                                    
The "Mish" called it a crime.                               
The cannibals called it "pot luck."                         
                                                            
 8901 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Irving Superior     P9701



"The Rabbi or Bishop of York?"                              
Said the cannibal wielding his fork.                        
"The Anglican holy                                          
Man; spit-roasted slowly."                                  
"OK then, I'll slice up the pork."                          
                                                            
 8902 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY                                  



Two cannibal priests met for dinner:                        
Said one: "Yum ... this meal's a real winner!"              
"The entre's nutritious,"                                   
Said two: "And delicious."                                  
"Ah, yes!" said one, "Roast a la Sinner!"                   
                                                            
 8903 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY                                  



A missionary fellow called Skinner,                         
In Africa, saving the sinner,                               
He found it too hot,                                        
As he sat in the pot,                                       
While the cannibals prayed before dinner.                   
                                                            
 8904 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY                                  



"Dear Lord," Skinner prayed, "Bless this stew!              
Now these heathen I all bring to you..."                    
And they all went in style                                  
'Cause he emptied a vial                                    
Of some poison right into that brew.                        
                                                            
 8905 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY                                  



But this Skinner just couldn't stay mad;                    
His sister was still to be had.                             
With the end of the skewer                                  
Still sticking right through her,                           
Her sister got plenty -- not bad!                           
                                                            
 8906 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY                                  



There was a fair maid from Decatur,                         
Who was known as a red-hot potater.                         
To the jungle she went,                                     
On mission work bent,                                       
Where a dozen fat savages ate her.                          
                                                            
 8907 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY                                  



Some say missionaries are chewy,                            
But I think that's a lot of hooey.                          
If they seem tough,                                         
They are not cooked enough,                                 
Or not diced, as in chop suey.                              
                                                            
 8908 CANNIBALS - MISSIONARY         Tom Patton          P9701



In the land where once ruled old Hannibal,                  
There's an evening quite easily plannable:                  
Ten blacks in a row,                                        
And all of them blow,                                       
But one of the ten is a cannibal.                           
                                                            
 8909 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL                                      



There once was a woman of Chatham,                          
A very irascible madame.                                    
When she sought hubby's aid,                                
He was caught with the maid,                                
So she cooked him and ate him and shat him.                 
                                                            
 8910 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             MrMalo                   



There was a right royal old nigger,                         
Who ate the balls of the Reverend MacTrigger.               
His five hundred wives                                      
Had the time of their lives,                                
It grew bigger and bigger and bigger.                       
                                                            
 8911 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL                                 G1506



My "man-in-the-boat" is unmannable                          
By one who in Boston is bannable.                           
So do quit your urgin'                                      
And leave me non-virgin,                                    
And you stay a born-again cannibal.                         
                                                            
 8912 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Jane D. Hughes      P9101



The vulva of Lord Byron's daughter                          
Was served at a feast with iced porter,                     
And heartily praised:                                       
It was boiled first, then braised,                          
With plenty of herbs in the water.                          
                                                            
 8913 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL                                 G1492



A pretty young woman named Proctor                          
Was kidnapped by an old Chinese doctor.                     
She wouldn't give in                                        
To a mortal sin,                                            
So he chopped her and then he woked her.                    
                                                            
 8914 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Tom Patton          P9708



Though the girls may be dead when I greet them,             
As a cannibal I don't mistreat them.                        
They're not cooked in a pot,                                
But I do get them hot                                       
And they come back to life when I eat them.                 
                                                            
 8915 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Phil Cannibal       P9102



A man who was nicknamd The Stub                             
Played Afro-roulette at his club.                           
When unlucky Hannibal                                       
Drew the old cannibal,                                      
She chewed his cock down to the nub.                        
                                                            
 8916 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL                                 P8301



There once was a man named Kleppers                         
Who would hunt down all the male lepers.                    
He'd take a big stick                                       
And knock off their dick,                                   
Which he cooked up like sausage and peppers!                
                                                            
 8917 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             John Chastaine           



There once was a boy named Drew                             
Who loved to make human stew.                               
He cooked up some meat;                                     
Said "Wow, what a treat!";                                  
It was no body part that he knew.                           
                                                            
 8918 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL                                      



"The priest has said we must wear clothes                   
And take all the bones from our nose."                      
The native said this                                        
As she squatted to piss.                                    
"But I will not wear those panty hose."                     
                                                            
 8919 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



Have you heard about Native Roulette?                       
The ladies all give you good head,                          
And it really feels good,                                   
With them sucking your pud...                               
Unless it's the cannibal you get.                           
                                                            
 8920 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Tiddy Ogg                



The corpse of the late Mr. Palmer                           
Was whisked off to the local embalmer.                      
An attendant named Mac,                                     
Took his dead dick for a snack,                             
And cooked it a la Jeffrey Dahmer.                          
                                                            
 8921 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Cruelty Jones            



Lady Pansy Pinkpeachblossom Paul                            
Was know for her sexual stall.                              
If a man came too near,                                     
She would bite on each ear,                                 
And swear she was half cannibal.                            
                                                            
 8922 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Warrick Elrod            



There once was a cannibal deaner                            
Whose "joie de vivre" couldn't be keener.                   
With corpses galore,                                        
He could not ask for more;                                  
For dinner he'd slice off a wiener.                         
                                                            
 8923 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Arnie Scnoenbrun    P0310



Have you tried making testicle tea?                         
It goes nicely with crackers and Brie.                      
Take a quick little nick;                                   
Makes a side dish of dick;                                  
A meal fit for now, he or she?                              
                                                            
 8924 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL                                      



A cannibal cook, name of Bill,                              
Is clumsy sometimes 'round the grill.                       
He was fit to be tied                                       
When the tit to be fried                                    
Rolled out of his hands, down the hill.                     
                                                            
 8925 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Michael Weinstein   P9612



A flesh-eating pervert named Clyde                          
Holds orgies renowned far and wide,                         
Munching hot-roasted snatches                               
From the wenches he catches                                 
And pricks dipped in formaldehyde.                          
                                                            
 8926 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL             Armand E Singer       299



On a cannibal isle near Malaysia,                           
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.                           
Not Russian elete,                                          
She's eager to eat,                                         
Whatever or whoever lays her.                               
                                                            
 8927 CANNIBALS - SEXUAL                                      



The president's squirrel, no klutz,                         
Loves his job, with no if, ands, or buts;                   
For the White House, of course,                             
Is the principle source                                     
Of prime academia nuts.                                     
                                                            
 8928 CELEBS - ACADEME               Cybergeezer              



Al Einstein of relative fame,                               
Mildly drunk, while humping a dame,                         
Discovered that space                                       
Is not a linear place!                                      
But his mate thought the fuck became lame.                  
                                                            
 8929 CELEBS - ACADEME               Jim Weaver Collection    



Because often from sodas he'd slurp,                        
Einstein would be ill but just burp.                        
He determined the place                                     
Of a warp in time-space,                                    
And went back to observe Wyatt Earp.                        
                                                            
 8930 CELEBS - ACADEME               Cyber Geezer             



Youse dames are in for a shock,                             
Guaranteed to make your jaw lock!                           
The wisest thing that came out                              
Of any woman's mout                                         
Was Albert Einstein's cock.                                 
                                                            
 8931 CELEBS - ACADEME               Herkin                   



B.F. Skinner said, "Thoreau I'm fond                        
Of your writings and we share a bond.                       
I paid homage to you                                        
When I wrote Walden Two.                                    
Now may I skinny dip in your pond?"                         
                                                            
 8932 CELEBS - ACADEME               L C Fitzhugh        P0112



Said Lord Russel to Lady Cecilia,                           
"I certainly wish I could feel ya,                          
Your data excite me,                                        
It would surely delight me                                  
To sense you unsensed sensibilia."                          
                                                            
 8933 CELEBS - ACADEME                                        



When Russel's suggestion she heard,                         
The lady politely demurred.                                 
In truth she abhorred                                       
The lecherous Lord                                          
And Alfred North Whitehead preferred.                       
                                                            
 8934 CELEBS - ACADEME                                        



A hell of a scholar was Russell                             
Who had more in his head than mere muscle.                  
He studied quite hard                                       
But he let down his guard                                   
Every time he got near to a bustle.                         
                                                            
 8935 CELEBS - ACADEME               Neal Wilgus         P8311



A Nobel that proves shortage a hoax,                        
Goes to Cambridge's Sen, who did coax                       
Economical laws                                             
To yield famine's true cause,                               
Was not getting the food to the folks.                      
                                                            
 8936 CELEBS - ACADEME               Prof M-G                 



The eminent Christian Barnard,                              
Has labeled "A baseless canard,"                            
That by injecting epoxy,                                    
Into older men's jocks, he                                  
Can cause them once more to get hard.                       
                                                            
 8937 CELEBS - ACADEME                                   G2082



Murmured saty-saint George Santayana,                       
"Freud took a long road to Nirvana,                         
But I follow the wraith                                     
Of an animal faith                                          
To the p in the sky of manana."                             
(need more help on this one - McW)                          
 8938 CELEBS - ACADEME               Conrad Aiken             



When SETI discovers a planet,                               
With civilised humans to man it,                            
It's too late to say,                                       
"Let's call Isaac A."                                       
You'll have to inform his wife Janet.                       
                                                            
 8939 CELEBS - ACADEME               Kevin Kirby              



While a lady gave Newton some action,                       
He paused in a fit of distraction.                          
"How stupid of me,                                          
It's so easy to see,                                        
Why action does equal reaction."                            
                                                            
 8940 CELEBS - ACADEME               Albin Chaplin   3024-0029



Young Newton partook of depravity                           
And filled up a young lady's cavity.                        
To indulge in some brevity,                                 
What to Newton was levity                                   
He found was a law of some gravity.                         
                                                            
 8941 CELEBS - ACADEME               Albin Chaplin   3024-0107



The schoolbooks with theories abound,                       
How Newton had gravity found.                               
Now it wasn't the apple                                     
Which his mind had to grapple,                              
But the frolicking pair on on the ground.                   
                                                            
 8942 CELEBS - ACADEME               Albin Chaplin  3024 P8812



Jane Goodall's in love with a chimp.                        
She met him through Irving, the pimp.                       
She said, "I propose                                        
To bite all your toes,"                                     
And now the chimp walks with a limp.                        
                                                            
 8943 CELEBS - ACADEME               Al Willis                



To a lady, said John Stuart Mill,                           
"If you're after a bit of a thrill,                         
Though the Mill, as you know,                               
Grinds exceedingly slow,                                    
I assure you, it grinds with a will!"                       
                                                            
 8944 CELEBS - ACADEME                                        



There was an old phoney named Kinsey,                       
Whose ideas of fucking were flimsy.                         
He knew how to measure                                      
A penis for pleasure,                                       
But he came much to quick for a quim, see?                  
                                                            
 8945 CELEBS - ACADEME                                   L0483



Do you, on the sly, bugger tots?                            
Do women's feet give you the hots?                          
Share your fears and despairs                               
With a doctor who cares --                                  
Professor Krafft-Ebing in Graz.                             
                                                            
 8946 CELEBS - ACADEME               A. N. Wilkins       P8703



In the Abode of True Wisdom called Lawrence,                
To the godly's a vicious abhorrence,                        
For the prexy gets stewed,                                  
And the faculty screwed,                                    
And the semen runs streetward in torrents.                  
                                                            
 8947 CELEBS - ACADEME                                   G0640



Lewis Carroll lived (some note with wrath)                  
Loving paranomasia and math.                                
And they swear that it's true                               
He was like me and you:                                     
A pedophile and psychopath.                                 
(paranomasia - incorrect naming of objects)                 
 8948 CELEBS - ACADEME                                   G2561



There was a young man from Missouri,                        
Who screwed a Frech dame in a brewery.                      
As he dressed in the dark,                                  
His wand started to spark...                                
He said, "That must've been Madame Curie."                  
                                                            
 8949 CELEBS - ACADEME                                   G0700



There was a young lady of Malta,                            
When young was oft seen with a psalter,                     
But she's read Marie Stopes                                 
And now she just hopes,                                     
And prays to be took to the altar.                          
                                                            
 8950 CELEBS - ACADEME               A Kennington             



That jazzy professor, McLuhan,                              
Tells the public that sex will be soon                      
"More erotic than now,"                                     
Through media know-how,                                     
So prepare for a terrible screwin'.                         
                                                            
 8951 CELEBS - ACADEME                                   G2414



Meyer-Briggs is too subtle for me,                          
As I learn who's an "I" or an "E."                          
Though my natural style                                     
Shows I-N T-J guile.                                        
Twice each night my strong J goes to P.                     
                                                            
 8952 CELEBS - ACADEME               John E Mutchler          



A student of Pavlov's, Lundelle                             
Got wet at the sound of a bell.                             
The sludge from her hole                                    
Filled up the dog's bowls,                                  
And flushed all her crabs from their shells.                
                                                            
 8953 CELEBS - ACADEME               Jim Weaver Collection    



A diarist, Samuel Pepys,                                    
Wrote, "My wife is a woman who sleeps                       
Whenever I'm randy,                                         
So I pour me a brandy,                                      
And visit the pen of our sheeps.                            
                                                            
 8954 CELEBS - ACADEME               Hugh Clary               



On page two, Sam made some doodles;                         
"My wife is a woman with oodles                             
Of love when I'm frisky,                                    
So I'll down a whiskey,                                     
Then frolic awhile with her poodles."                       
                                                            
 8955 CELEBS - ACADEME               Travis Brasell           



On his pillar sat Simon Stylites,                           
As his balls turned to iron pyrites,                        
And the sun's intense heat,                                 
Slowly blackened his meat.                                  
He should not have worn French lace nighties.               
                                                            
 8956 CELEBS - ACADEME                                        



The knowledge you put in a book,                            
Decays like a fish on a hook.                               
Advice more exact:                                          
Stick to fiction, not fact,                                 
To avoid being judged as a schnook.                         
                                                            
 8957 CELEBS - ACADEME               Timothy Torkildson       



WATT he did, this reVOLTing young scAMP,                    
Whose name it was HENRY van kAMP;                           
With not much aplomb,                                       
He burned down his hOHM.                                    
As his wires he tried to revAMP.                            
                                                            
 8958 CELEBS - ACADEME               Jim Weaver Collection    



The pedantess who taught fossilology,                       
Was fucked by the dean of brachylogy.                       
She exclaimed, "You old fossil,                             
You are simply colossal!"                                   
"To be brief," he said, "this is my trilogy."               
                                                            
 8959 CELEBS - ACADEME               Albin Chaplin   3024-0151



When Kissinger met Chairman Mao,                            
He was dressed up to look like a cow.                       
Since always with disguise,                                 
Folks asked with surprise,                                  
"I wonder who's Kissinger now."                             
                                                            
 8960 CELEBS - ACADEME               Theo M. Heller      P9206



To his wife, said tired Dr. Durant,                         
"Oh, Ariel, more I just can't!"                             
She said, "Don't be silly...                                
I'll help with dear Willy;                                  
Our History, the world will enchant!"                       
                                                            
 8961 CELEBS - ACADEME               TuttaGioia               



William Henry Bragg                                         
Had that name but tried not to brag.                        
He won the Nobel,                                           
And he did excell,                                          
So he carried it home in a bag.                             
                                                            
 8962 CELEBS - ACADEME               Jim Weaver Collection    



A sensuous dirty old man                                    
Is old Asimov, writer and fan.                              
When he isn't creating,                                     
He's probably mating,                                       
Which he does whenever he can.                              
(Neal Wilgus challenge to Asimov)                           
 8963 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Neal Wilgus         P8205



Though I love John, the truth is he's base,                 
And within him there isn't a trace                          
Of rational quality,                                        
Or decent morality,                                         
Then too, that ridiculous face.                             
                                                            
 8964 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Isaac Asimov             



What more shall I say of John Ciardi?                       
His humor is junk, his wit shoddy.                          
To speak of his mind                                        
Would be most unkind,                                       
And, God!, would you look at that body!                     
                                                            
 8965 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Isaac Asimov             



To make friends with the lumpish John Ciardi,               
Needs a spirit uncouth, rough, and hardy.                   
When in line for a bit                                      
Of amusement and wit,                                       
Did he get it?  Why, no, he was tardy.                      
                                                            
 8966 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Isaac Asimov             



To a dinner arrived fat John Ciardi                         
With only his appetite hearty.                              
Conversational ploys?                                       
He had nothing but noise,                                   
And he spoiled every bit of the party.                      
                                                            
 8967 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Isaac Asimov             



There was a mad genius named Asimov,                        
Who suffered a curious spasm of                             
Sublimerickitis.                                            
Herewith the detritus                                       
He has leaped an unfathomable chasm of.                     
                                                            
 8968 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Isaac Asimov             



What Asimov lacks of pure style,                            
He makes up for, well once in a while,                      
By the way he can bluster                                   
From the depths of lackluster                               
To the almost transcendently vile.                          
                                                            
 8969 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             John Ciardi              



A loverly lass is Miss Britney,                             
But I don't think that's a real tit.  Nay!                  
But she's still hot,                                        
And I like what she's got,                                  
But it's doubtful that I'll ever getney.                    
                                                            
 8970 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Cyber Wizard             



A young entertainer called Star,                            
In a pub, sang and danced on the bar.                       
The patrons were reeling;                                   
Her costume revealing;                                      
As fins and sawbucks filled her bra!                        
                                                            
 8971 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



An old fairground busker named Joe                          
Used his voice to sell every side-show.                     
Fat ladies, small men,                                      
A two headed hen;                                           
It's a place for whole families to go.                      
                                                            
 8972 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



That old Broadway dame, Carol Channing                      
Has a lot of new things she is planning.                    
After forty one years,                                      
She'll do forty one beers,                                  
And put out the fire she's been fanning.                    
                                                            
 8973 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



The museum in downtown Baroda --                            
The one with the glans and the scrota --                    
Now has a new section                                       
To house the collection                                     
Donated to by Carol Doda.                                   
(Carol Doda - big bare-boob showgirl, San Francisco, 1960's)
 8974 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Martin Wellborn     P8507



When the circus comes in to our town,                       
The big top becomes its big crown!                          
As the young eager faces                                    
Make their way to their places,                             
They wait for their favourite -- the clown.                 
                                                            
 8975 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



The young lady up on the trapeze                            
Hangs there holding on with her knees.                      
She swings to and fro                                       
As if nowhere to go,                                        
Like a flower that's caught in a breeze.                    
                                                            
 8976 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



When I hear a DJ on the air,                                
Who sounds like he hasn't a care,                           
With a nice pleasant voice,                                 
Playing discs of his choice;                                
I have a nice voice.  It's not fair!                        
                                                            
 8977 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



When the world's greatest diver, Lou Gainis,                
Came out and revealed his true gayness,                     
He said, "For a tough dive                                  
Would be a muff dive,                                       
An event I would find far too heinous."                     
                                                            
 8978 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             R. Lohnes           P9709



I really do think it's a shame:                             
Dolly Parton and Barbie, the same                           
Anatomical distortion,                                      
Way out of proportion,                                      
Which induces astronomical fame.                            
                                                            
 8979 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             John Miller              



A pass at the opposite sex                                  
Is seldom made when she wears specs.                        
With such repartee                                          
Did Dorothy P.                                              
Extract The New Yorker's small cheques.                     
                                                            
 8980 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Nick                     



There once was a lady named Dottie                          
Whose love life was sad but naughty.                        
She sat 'round the table                                    
With men who were able,                                     
But the details remain a bit spotty.                        
(Dorothy Parker of the Algonquin Round Table)               
 8981 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



Durante had nose out of shape;                              
Born with it, he couldn't escape.                           
Appendage visible,                                          
Made visage RISIBLE,                                        
Reddened by juice of the grape.                             
                                                            
 8982 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Chris Papa               



That Murphy lad, known here as Eddie,                       
Went out to obtain some quick heady.                        
He found, with a shock,                                     
The "gal" had a cock,                                       
And was spared 'cause he couldn't get ready.                
                                                            
 8983 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



A stuntman called Evel Knievel                              
Doused himself in a coat of fresh diesel;                   
But the stunt it fell flat,                                 
When he singed the Queen's hat,                             
And whistled 'God save the Weasel.'                         
                                                            
 8984 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



There once was a fellow named Floyd,                        
Who was told which cave to avoid.                           
When he was found stuck in a panic,                         
The media went manic,                                       
And now he's a legend enjoyed.                              
                                                            
 8985 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             P. Aughey                



There was a lank fellow named Frank                         
With barrels of coin in the bank.                           
He purchased some papers,                                   
Which died of his capers,                                   
That poor misbegotten old crank!                            
                                                            
 8986 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Don Maquis & Adams  P9506



There once was a hairy Houdini                              
Who called up the ghost of Puccini.                         
He was stoned to the bone                                   
So he called on the phone                                   
And asked if he still used his weenie.                      
                                                            
 8987 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Neal Wilgus         P8205



That Hawaii Five-O guy, McGarrett,                          
Recites his cliches like a parrot.                          
When the lady piano                                         
Player kissed Danno,                                        
He remarked, "If the woo fits then share it."               
(Wo Fat was the villain in this TV series)                  
 8988 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Deex         P0311



At the show two young ladies did focus                      
As Houdini presented his hocus.                             
When the show was completed,                                
The young girls remained seated.                            
They were waiting, they said, for the poke us.              
                                                            
 8989 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Albin Chaplin   3024-0146



Houdini just loved to debunk                                
The medium peddling junk                                    
About the hereafter.                                        
He would cause laughter                                     
Showing how their magic stunk.                              
                                                            
 8990 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Larry Davis         P8710



Howard Stern, some say that he rules;                       
Others just say that he drools.                             
If I had my way                                             
I'd listen every day,                                       
But at work I'd lay just down my tools.                     
                                                            
 8991 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



If I had a million or two,                                  
I'd live me a life much like Hugh.                          
H. Hefner, that is.                                         
I'd make it my biz                                          
To see how much spunk I could spew.                         
                                                            
 8992 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             H WHELCHEL               



On guilt let's declare moratorium                           
And visit Hugh Hefner's Emporium.                           
In addition to bunnies                                      
And all kinds of fun, he's                                  
Installed a new masturbatorium.                             
                                                            
 8993 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Norm Storer              



For years I've been paying Hef money,                       
And not for cartoons, though they're funny.                 
The penile conniptions                                      
From Payboy subscriptions,                                  
Got me obsessed with boffing a bunny.                       
                                                            
 8994 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Irish                    



When J-Lo and Ben named the day,                            
We all wished they'd both go away.                          
Because, don't you see,                                     
We want to be free                                          
Of stories of these two making hay.                         
                                                            
 8995 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Alan England             



When J-Lo and Ben named the day,                            
The tabloids cheered Hip Hip Hooray!                        
When the whole deal fell through,                           
They didn't feel blue,                                      
Since there's so much more gossip to say.                   
                                                            
 8996 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Phillip                  



When J-Lo and Ben named the day,                            
They had already decided to pay                             
Nowt to the spouse                                          
And don't mention the house,                                
The pre-nup agreement did say.                              
                                                            
 8997 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Sundeep Malbotra         



Some fans of the actress Jane Russell                       
Have started a terrible tussle                              
Over what makes her charming:                               
Her manners disarming,                                      
Or the muscles that rustle her bustle.                      
                                                            
 8998 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Norm Storer              



Ken Smith designed a 'Home Page'                            
On which limericks are all the rage.                        
Some may offend;                                            
On you 'twill depend;                                       
So be forewarned before you engage.                         
                                                            
 8999 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Ken Smith                



At a party with author Charles Dickens,                     
Lana Turner, Lord Reith, and Slim Pickens;                  
Slim sat picking his nose,                                  
Lord Reith doffed his clothes,                              
And Lana Turner did tricks with some chickens.              
                                                            
 9000 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Bill Wall                



Old Lillian Disney has died;                                
Both Donald and Goofy just cried.                           
And Minnie and Mickey                                       
Are both feeling icky                                       
Like something is missing inside.                           
                                                            
 9001 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Elsid Elspeth            



To probe Miss Lillian Russell,                              
Dr. Long thrust a pin through her bustle.                   
He got a sprained wrist,                                    
And a mouthful of fist,                                     
For the bustle turned out to be muscle.                     
                                                            
 9002 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



I've a question to ask you, Miss Russell,                   
Is all that development muscle?                             
Or can that enormity                                        
Be a deformity--                                            
For instance an out-of-place bustle?                        
                                                            
 9003 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



Linda Lovelace, we learned, had just died;                  
Was that what made John Dean decide                         
To out his amigo,                                           
Deep Throat -- alter ego --                                 
And if so, what did she have to hide.                       
                                                            
 9004 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Dr Limerick  05-01-02    



Linda Lovelace, a housewife docile,                         
Was coerced to perform feats wide GLOSSAL.                  
Then she led all the chicks                                 
As the Queen of Porn Flicks;                                
Enjoyed short career, but colossal.                         
                                                            
 9005 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Chris Papa               



When traveling abroad with Kate Adie,                       
She told me her background was shady.                       
She said, "I'm the love child                               
Of the late Oscar Wilde,                                    
And someone called Rosie O'Grady."                          
                                                            
 9006 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Bill Wall                



Silent Marcel Marceau at one time                           
Was a victim of Paris street-crime.                         
His terror still lingers.                                   
Hoods stamped on his fingers                                
Leaving footprints on the hands of mime.                    
                                                            
 9007 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Loren Fitzhugh      P9509



I have a tiny prediction                                    
That Matt Perry's painkiller addiction                      
Will effect his career --                                   
I'm being sincere --                                        
And lead to a serious conviction.                           
                                                            
 9008 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Julie Wiskirchen         



Nicolette Larson is dead;                                   
Some fluids built up in her head.                           
Her Lotta Love cover                                        
Is all that's left over.                                    
Why couldn't they drain it instead?                         
                                                            
 9009 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Elsie Elspeth            



We "watched" football!  And baseball!  And more!            
Orphan Annie!  Soap operas galore!                          
And that Fibber Magee!                                      
Then along came TV.                                         
Gosh. It looked a lot better before.                        
                                                            
 9010 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             William N Nesbit    P9812



A prominent Harvey named Paul                               
Was admired and respected by all,                           
Till one "rest of the story"                                
Got graphic and gory;                                       
`e now rings a bell in a mall.                              
                                                            
 9011 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Paul Harvey, a likeable guy,                                
Daily pushed us to give Schwinn a try.                      
Till one day, who knows why,                                
He was caught in a lie,                                     
And turned his 'good day' to 'good bye'                     
                                                            
 9012 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Jim Weaverr Collection   



While listening to Radio One,                               
I decided that this is no fun.                              
Simon Bates played our tune,                                
The unspeakable loon.                                       
I reached for my elephant gun...                            
                                                            
 9013 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Bill Wall                



A hooker who worked in Brazil,                              
Charged each "John" by the length of his quill.             
Richard Simmons caused a crisis;                            
She computed her prices,                                    
And gave him 50 cents from her till.                        
                                                            
 9014 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



That fat butch lesbo, Rosie O'Donnell,                      
Is a disgrace to things classed as faunal.                  
She has a few mil dough,                                    
And a four-inch thick dildo,                                
So her mate's twat is wide as a tunnel!                     
                                                            
 9015 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Ward Hardman             



Rush Limbaugh is on day and night,                          
Espousing his views from the Right.                         
He loves making waves,                                      
So he rants and he raves,                                   
Which causes the Left to ignite!                            
                                                            
 9016 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             RenWa                    



Mr Limbaugh, the dean of hypocracy,                         
Shot his mouth off on drugs and pornography.                
His doping's a crime,                                       
But he'll never do time,                                    
'Cause he's part of the right wing plutocracy               
                                                            
 9017 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



On Rush Limbaugh's ass can be found,                        
A message, by the hole black and round,                     
And if you have just the right light,                       
Then you just might                                         
See: "Dangerous inflated above 200 pounds!"                 
                                                            
 9018 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Cruelty Jones            



A good Limbaugh groupie named Grover,                       
(Always jacked up, but not sure what over)                  
Was forced out of spite,                                    
Because no one would write,                                 
To flame himself fifty times over.                          
                                                            
 9019 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Nat Koch                 



Mr Limbaugh seems hearty and hale;                          
His rehab program didn't fail.                              
If he's treated in court                                    
The way that he ought,                                      
Perhaps he can broadcast from jail.                         
                                                            
 9020 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



Of these shooting stars that you mention,                   
I must not have paid close attention;                       
I must have looked down                                     
While pissing on the ground;                                
Are these stars you named your invention?                   
                                                            
 9021 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



I enjoy shooting stars as do you.                           
Allow me to propose one or two:                             
Ricki Lake, Howard Stern,                                   
Geraldo I'd burn.                                           
I know Chuck Heston would approve.                          
                                                            
 9022 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN                                      



A dumb TV addict named Joe                                  
Never mastered the dial, and so                             
The poor sonofabitch                                        
Just sang 'long with Mitch,                                 
Though he wanted the Steve Allen Show.                      
                                                            
 9023 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Robt Thompson       G0099



A carnie attraction named Brent                             
Stood tall in the back of his tent;                         
As he swallowed his sword,                                  
He was praising the Lord,                                   
But nobody knew what it meant.                              
                                                            
 9024 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Cap'n Bean          P0401



Cleopatra (as done by Talluhlah)                            
Was so ludicrous (she did a hula)                           
All the critics turned pale                                 
In New Haven (near Yale)                                    
And (unanimous) called, "Boo-la! Boo-la!"                   
(Boola Boola is the Yale college song)                      
 9025 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Robin K. Willoughby P8402



An inscrutable hostess named Guinan                         
Was accustomed to winin' and dinin'.                        
One night, though, she failed;                              
Overdosed on real ale,                                      
And she soon tried to fit the whole stein in.               
(Texas Guinan - 1920's speakeasy owner)                     
 9026 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Actaeon                  



The rope walker walked with trepidation;                    
He was under the mildest sedation.                          
As he ascended the ladder,                                  
He'd not emptied his bladder,                               
And was liable to get liquidation!                          
                                                            
 9027 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



The ventriloquist had a good dummy,                         
Working from a gas tank in its tummy.                       
It could say "ABC,"                                         
As its boss drank some tea,                                 
But neither was good at gin rummy.                          
                                                            
 9028 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



The editor of National Review                               
Had a problem and knew not what to do.                      
His volcabulary                                             
Was super and scary                                         
But he didn't know how to say "Screw".                      
                                                            
 9029 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Neal Wilgus         P8205



A beach babe named Yasmine Bleeth                           
Is known for her breasts and her teeth.                     
Are the drug charges valid?                                 
Do they make her grow palid                                 
And cause her to shake like a leaf?                         
                                                            
 9030 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN             Julie Wiskirchen         



Sam had found his soul mate in fair Alice;                  
Daily drank from her twat, like a chalice.                  
And his favorite mixture                                    
From that feminine fixture?                                 
Blood and semen, stirred twice with his phallus.            
                                                            
 9031 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Marcia's a horny young bitch;                               
She got Mike alone in a ditch                               
And started to scratch                                      
At her clean-shaven snatch.                                 
And said, "Gee Mike, it don't even itch."                   
                                                            
 9032 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's the story of a lovely lady                           
Whose sexual past is so shady.                              
She's mothered three girls,                                 
The youngest with curls,                                    
And now copulates with Mike Brady!                          
                                                            
 9033 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a family named Brady;                        
Two trollops, a whore and a lady.                           
One trollop would suck,                                     
The other would fuck,                                       
While the whore tongued the lady named Sadie.               
                                                            
 9034 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



"Screwing Brady girls," said my friend Farrell,             
"Is quite like shooting fish in a barrel.                   
I liked Marsha and Jan,                                     
Cindy made me a fan.                                        
But I especially loved nailing Carol!"                      
                                                            
 9035 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



The Bradys had a neighbor named Stan,                       
A pathetic excuse for a man.                                
The horny old putz                                          
Liked fondling the butts,                                   
Of Marcia and Cindy and Jan!                                
                                                            
 9036 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



When Greg moved up into the attic,                          
Mike and Carol gave poor Greg some static.                  
But they finally gave in                                    
And Greg started to grin;                                   
Autoerotic would became automatic!                          
                                                            
 9037 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Marcia Brady, whose features were flawless,                 
Every week, on the show, would enthrall us.                 
Then in dreams took top billing,                            
Where, bra-less and thrilling,                              
She'd always be willing to ball us!                         
                                                            
 9038 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Mike was a good architect,                              
But he had trouble getting erect,                           
Until Marcia implored                                       
His dick unexplored,                                        
And gave a good suck on his peck!                           
                                                            
 9039 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



If Mike Brady would have been thinking,                     
I'm sure that he could have been sinking                    
His well-polished phallus                                   
To the hilt into Alice,                                     
Had he not been scared of Cindy finking.                    
                                                            
 9040 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



The kids' bathroom toilet is missing;                       
There is no commode there for pissing.                      
So the kids must, of course,                                
Use that damn plaster horse,                                
And Alice must keep the thing glistening.                   
                                                            
 9041 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



While mowing the Astroturf lawn,                            
Greg worked up a raging hard-on.                            
He ran into the kitchen,                                    
And despite Carol's bitchin',                               
Boffed Alice until it was gone!                             
                                                            
 9042 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



I hate the whole damned Brady Bunch,                        
And I have quite a nasty wee hunch                          
That when Sam sees Alice,                                   
She fondles his phallus,                                    
Then goes down on Carol for lunch!                          
                                                            
 9043 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



At a party for only the Bunch,                              
Mike said, "Carol, I've got a hunch,                        
That Peter and Jan                                          
Are making out in the can!                                  
Alice! What did you put in the punch!"                      
                                                            
 9044 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Is Alice a bulldyke or what?                                
She can nail a 40-foot putt.                                
She can kick Tyson's ass,                                   
Land a 50-pound bass,                                       
While a dildo is stuck up her butt!                         
                                                            
 9045 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a woman named Brady,                         
Who pretended to be a fine lady.                            
Her hands knew no toil,                                     
But she loved Wesson oil;                                   
Carol Brady's a lady quite shady!                           
                                                            
 9046 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Lynn                     



Jan Brady, the least of the lasses,                         
Once had vision no pilot surpasses -                        
But not being too hot,                                      
Had to stroke her own twat,                                 
Which she did 'til she needed those glasses!                
                                                            
 9047 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



The Brady girls, taking a chance                            
Got into the Brady boys' pants.                             
Soon one, then the other                                    
Was mounting a brother,                                     
And now they're their own children's aunts!                 
                                                            
 9048 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Mike Brady, while stroking his phallus,                
"Though I bear my wife, Carol, no malice,                   
Since I've boinked all her daughters                        
I'm testing the waters:                                     
A threesome with Peter and Alice."                          
                                                            
 9049 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



At Sue Olsen's first tryout, she panicked                   
When a voice barked "I doubt that she can act,"             
But was soon taking heart                                   
When he said "Blow this part,                               
And you're Cindy - to hell with the Mann Act!"              
                                                            
 9050 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Soon an oversexed neighbor named Peg,                       
Started flashing Mike Brady some leg.                       
The old gal was so loose,                                   
She also tried to seduce                                    
Bobby and Peter and Greg!                                   
                                                            
 9051 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jim Weaver Collection    



That squeaky-clean family, the Bradys                       
Were sent to us straight out of Hades.                      
Their suburban palace                                       
And housekeeper, Alice,                                     
All serve to make Toast Point a fraidy.                     
(Toast Point had a Brady web page)                          
 9052 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jonathon G               



When Peter and Greg pick on Bobby,                          
They beat him 'til his head turns knobby.                   
They bugger him raw.                                        
When he told Maw and Paw,                                   
They said every boy needs a hobby.                          
                                                            
 9053 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Jonathon G               



While pressing her bell-bottomed jeans,                     
Marcia, she primps and she preens.                          
And Jan, with a Uzi                                         
And nary a "'Scuse me!"                                     
Plots Marcia's fate...smithereens!                          
                                                            
 9054 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRADY     Artie the Troll          



There was a young woman called Wheen;                       
So with-it she couldn't be seen.                            
Her feminine blinkers                                       
Promoted real stinkers,                                     
Like Dame Ethyl Smyth and Doreen.                           
                                                            
 9055 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



We all love a young woman called Wheen;                     
Of the wireless, she's truly the queen.                     
It's not clear what she's doing,                            
When your listening, not viewing,                           
But we hope that it's nothing obscene.                      
                                                            
 9056 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



I take my hat off to Frank Bough.                           
It's terribly easy to scoff,                                
But that man is a whizz;                                    
He certainly is!                                            
Ain't he great!  Ain't he grand!  Switch him off!           
                                                            
 9057 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Bill Wall                



While having a drink with Ken Bruce,                        
I noticed his trousers were loose.                          
I said, "You need a belt,                                   
You unspeakable Celt."                                      
He said, "I've just had twelve on the hoose."               
                                                            
 9058 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Bill Wall                



In my car with the great Murray Walker,                     
He suddenly let loose a corker.                             
'Twas the first of a batch                                  
In the pits at Brands Hatch.                                
He did the same thing in Majorca.                           
                                                            
 9059 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Bill Wall                



A bouncy page three girl named Sam                          
Said: "For clothing, I don't give a damn."                  
To be totally bare,                                         
She shaved off her hair,                                    
And now she's the King of Siam.                             
                                                            
 9060 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Bill Wall                



A radio producer named Perkins                              
Has a passion for eating raw gherkins.                      
He'd munch them while dreaming                              
Of a naked Jan Leeming,                                     
Which played hell with his internal workin's.               
                                                            
 9061 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Bill Wall                



Rumpole's disheveled, rumpled TOUSLE                        
Despite urgins and pleadings spousal,                       
Was to some charming;                                       
Even disarming,                                             
Though seldom reached heights of arousal.                   
(Rumpole of the Baily, TV show)                             
 9062 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Daniel Ford              



After that Portia and Rumpole both went                     
To a little pub they loved to frequent.                     
Ate corned beef and carrot,                                 
Well washed down with claret,                               
Then flew first class all the way to Tashkent.              
                                                            
 9063 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS                              



At an orgy with Sir Jimmy Savile,                           
His track suit began to unravel.                            
He said, "Don't make a fuss,"                               
And fashioned a truss                                       
Out of cement -- two parts sand, three parts gravel.        
                                                            
 9064 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Bill Wall                



The Times tells the world what is doing.                    
Who's winning, who's losing, who's sueing.                  
Who's striking, Who's stealing,                             
Who's dying, who's healing,                                 
But won't say a word on who's screwing.                     
                                                            
 9065 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Whenever I see Trevor Brooking,                             
He lets fly when nobody's looking.                          
He's very descrete --                                       
Starts down at his feet.                                    
You can tell he likes Indian cooking.                       
(rag head not feather - McW)                                
 9066 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BRITS     Bill Wall                



Faith was a rogue vampire slayer                            
Who made Xander feel like a player.                         
She tossed him aside                                        
At great cost to his pride                                  
And hung with the dastardly mayor.                          
                                                            
 9067 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Linda Barlow             



I once loved a Vampire Slayer.                              
When she asked, I could never nay-say her.                  
She dumped me; I'm crying;                                  
For vengeance I'm dying;                                    
Well I'm dead, but I'd still like to lay her.               
                                                            
 9068 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Linda Barlow             



Buffy the vampire slayer,                                   
Gives a good shag if you pay her.                           
So get out your dough                                       
And give her a go;                                          
But you're in the shit if you lay her.                      
                                                            
 9069 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Anon                     



Joss built us a show about slayers,                         
That was truly an onion with layers.                        
We got quite obsessed                                       
And had to confess                                          
We're all just in love with the players.                    
                                                            
 9070 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Linda Barlow             



When Willow decided to switch teams,                        
The event generated so much steam,                          
The WB suits,                                               
Disapproving of fruits,                                     
Decreed her kissage be unseen.                              
                                                            
 9071 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Lindo Barlow             



The Mayor, that devilish fellow,                            
Turned into a snake huge and yellow.                        
The Ascension he hosted                                     
But then he got roasted;                                    
Just desserts, since he harshed Buffy's mellow.             
                                                            
 9072 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Linda Barlow             



The Xan-man, you know that he tries                         
To help out the rest of the guys.                           
But the first thing you know,                               
He's in thrall with the foe                                 
And eating bugs, spiders, and flies.                        
                                                            
 9073 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Linda Barlow             



A slayer in crypt was benighted,                            
But said, "Please don't be affrighted.                      
It isn't the vamps                                          
That's causing me angst,                                    
It's that my true love's unrequited."                       
                                                            
 9074 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Linda Barlow             



Our Blondie-Bear shouted, "Enough!                          
The Scoobies forget that I'm tough.                         
They think I can't fight 'em;                               
I'll go back and bite 'em!                                  
Unless, can I be in the Buff?                               
                                                            
 9075 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Linda Barlow             



On TV our Sarah plays Buffy;                                
Though sweet and petite, she's a toughie.                   
She may slay a bunch                                        
Of vampires before lunch,                                   
But she always looks neat, never scruffy.                   
                                                            
 9076 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - BUFFY     Sartori Press            



There's a really good game on today;                        
It's the Cowboys -- they're playing Green Bay!"             
Little Bo rubs his eyes,                                    
"I want Barney," he cries.                                  
Now you tell me, which one get his way?                     
                                                            
 9077 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Larry Hollister          



He sings "I love you, you love me,"                         
It's as sappy as sappy can be.                              
Children can't get enough                                   
Of his syrupy stuff.                                        
I'd just as soon eat DDT.                                   
                                                            
 9078 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Larry Hollister          



Barney's a fat dinosaur                                     
Who whacks off his bone on a whore.                         
He likes little boys                                        
And kinky sex toys;                                         
He's named his left hand "Lenore".                          
                                                            
 9079 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Annette Funicello        



There once was a Simpson named Bart                         
Whose TV show topped everyone's chart.                      
And though plots turned to gag,                             
And some scenes tend to drag,                               
Rest assured of its place in our hearts.                    
                                                            
 9080 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Jordan Eisenberg         



When I was a wee little lass,                               
Howdy Doody was giving me gas.                              
I watched 'em alive                                         
On a screen that was five                                   
Inches wide as I sat on my ass.                             
                                                            
 9081 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN                           



That dumb jewish kid's a turd,                              
'Cause he flipped Cartman's mother the bird.                
But poor little Kenny,                                      
Has been mangled by many.                                   
"OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY" "YOU BASTARD"                 
                                                            
 9082 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN                           



My ass is gorgeous, even to the furred.                     
I just caught the notice of a whole herd;                   
When I squatted and peed,                                   
They started a stampede--                                   
"O My God! They killed Kenny! You bastard!"                 
                                                            
 9083 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN                           



Since Kyle and Cartman and Kenny                            
Were virgins who'd never got any,                           
Cartman and Kyle                                            
Screwed Kenny awhile,                                       
Till he died - the first time of many.                      
                                                            
 9084 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN                           



Mr Rogers is quitting for good,                             
After 33 years in the 'hood.                                
His Nielsen ratings                                         
Are never abating;                                          
He'd do 33 more if he could.                                
                                                            
 9085 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Dr Limerick  11-12-00    



Paul Reubens, who often would scoff                         
At lawyers, once said with a cough,                         
"For me, I don't need 'em,                                  
And my cases, I plead 'em,                                  
'Cause I know how to get myself off.                        
                                                            
 9086 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Hugh Clary               



I see PeeWee has got a new shtick;                          
A new TV game show's the trick.                             
He's taking a crack                                         
With "You don't know Jack,"                                 
Hope it gets more exposure than his prick!                  
                                                            
 9087 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Tom Accousti             



There once was a man named Pee Wee                          
Who was odd; I think you agree.                             
He enjoyed his manhood                                      
Like only he could,                                         
And stopped doing children's TV.                            
                                                            
 9088 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Julie Wiskirchen         



"The Birds and the Bees," said Pee Wee,                     
"I know from my A to my Z.                                  
Some folks think I'm dumb                                   
But I often have come                                       
In the movies, back row, section three."                    
                                                            
 9089 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Barbara Cunningham  P9604



Pee-wee Herman's Sex Manual Complete                        
Is designed for the man on the street.                      
Where there's love to be shared,                            
Keep you nails neatly pared                                 
Before you start beating your meat.                         
                                                            
 9090 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Phil Cannibal       P9108



There once was a man on TV,                                 
Who went by the name of Peewee.                             
He got caught doing what                                    
He should ought not;                                        
Rehearsing an act with his peepee.                          
                                                            
 9091 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Brian Marlin             



Peewee is now in a bind;                                    
It's those porn flick he watches at times.                  
And his preoccupation                                       
With his masturbation,                                      
Is the cause of his going blind!                            
                                                            
 9092 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Brian Marlin             



The cops prowled the theatre to hunt                        
For Peewee; the end was blunt.                              
He'd not have been collared                                 
If someone had hollered                                     
"Hey Peewee!  Down in front!"                               
                                                            
 9093 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  MrMalo                   



Since he sank to his current condition,                     
I'd say Peewee has shown his contrition.                    
In the theatre of life,                                     
Where the vice cops are rife,                               
Peewee's paid the price of emission.                        
                                                            
 9094 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  MrMalo                   



A zoo has been robbed in Mt. Earl;                          
The loot wasn't diamonds or pearls.                         
What witnesses heard                                        
Or so they averred,                                         
Was "Natasha, Ve got Moose unt Squirl!"                     
(from Rocky Squirrel and Bullwinkle kids TV program)        
 9095 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Lassies Lover            



Does the Count, who is quite an aesthete,                   
Pass the trash can on Sesame Street,                        
With his nose in the air                                    
To look down on who's there --                              
Or to not have to smell Oscar's feet?                       
                                                            
 9096 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  The Count          TP9806



What's the smell that's so strong in the heat,              
From the trash can on Sesame Street?                        
Monster cookies gone bad?                                   
Rotten eggs Big Bird had?                                   
No, It's Oscar's unwashed furry feet.                       
                                                            
 9097 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Prof M-G           TP9806



Grim Reaper in South Park again,                            
To seek out the one to be slain.                            
With people so many,                                        
He had to pick Kenny,                                       
And shoot lightning bolts through his brain.                
                                                            
 9098 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Jayne                    



So now let us come to young Kenny,                          
A kid from "South Park", one of many.                       
He always gets killed;                                      
With violence it's filled.                                  
Though tasteless, it's really quite funny.                  
                                                            
 9099 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Archie                   



He was hunting his own pet snark;                           
He is lightyears away from the mark.                        
It is here on Earth                                         
We suffer from mirth.                                       
We've finally got back South Park.                          
                                                            
 9100 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Archie                   



See through throats and lifting up heads;                   
And Kenny is being killed dead.                             
Language unbecoming                                         
Keeps things humming,                                       
And one step ahead of the Feds.                             
                                                            
 9101 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - CHILDREN  Archie                   



Remember Amos and Andy?                                     
On radio it was dandy;                                      
Charles Corell, then,                                       
And Freeman Gosden                                          
Did not appeal to the randy.                                
                                                            
 9102 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Larry Falk               



Lesser character named Kingfish                             
Caused all the laughter you could wish;                     
The lodge hall was swell;                                   
That Kingfish would tell                                    
To Andy but IGNORAMUS.                                      
                                                            
 9103 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Larry Falk               



The filthiest comic today--                                 
Misogynist -- Andrew Dice Clay.                             
His "Fs" and his jeers                                      
Diseases our ears.                                          
His tongue should a condom display.                         
                                                            
 9104 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Irving Superior     P9009



David Duke of the old KKK                                   
Is a congressman down in La.                                
"But his views aren't quite right                           
Quoth vox pop. in loc. cit.,                                
"So we'd rather have Andrew Dice Clay."                     
                                                            
 9105 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Don Moore           P9104



Andy Kaufman had a weird quirk                              
Which had nothing to do with his work.                      
He'd wrestle a broad,                                       
Win and applaud,                                            
Labeling himself quite the jerk!                            
                                                            
 9106 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY                             



There once was a deputy named Fife,                         
Who carried a gun and a knife.                              
The gun was all dusty                                       
And the knife was all rusty;                                
He never caught a crook in his life.                        
                                                            
 9107 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Mike Hunter              



Let me tell you a story about Jed                           
Who stripped Elly-May on the bed,                           
And said, "I sure like yer cranny,                          
It's tighter than Granny,                                   
But Jethro gives much better head!"                         
                                                            
 9108 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Jim Weaver Collection    



Cosby did things he hadn't oughter,                         
Then his son ended in a slaughter.                          
The results so strange                                      
Led to an exchange;                                         
He lost a son, but gained a daughter.                       
                                                            
 9109 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Tom Patton          P9704



A dummy from old Arizona                                    
In Congress, committed a boner.                             
He said that he'd read                                      
That Bob Hope was dead,                                     
But that was a lot of bologna.                              
                                                            
 9110 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Popsicle           TP9806



To help our assault forces cope                             
With their shortage of nookie and dope,                     
We're sending them singers,                                 
Foxy babes and joke-slingers;                               
Sad to say, we can send them no Hope.                       
                                                            
 9111 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Dr Limerick              



On the day of his grand 84th                                
May all of our wishes pour forth                            
To a young man named Hope,                                  
As beloved as the pope                                      
And more active than Oliver North.                          
(Henry Kissinger to Bob Hope on his 84th birthday)          
 9112 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Henry Kissinger     P8706



Daffy, Sylvester, Bugs Bunny                                
Are who I consider to be funny.                             
Looney Tunes crack me up,                                   
Until I have to pay up;                                     
The TV bill costs more and more money.                      
                                                            
 9113 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Claire                   



Chris Farley has left us aggrieved;                         
All Saturday Night is bereaved.                             
So stout was his body,                                      
His comic karate,                                           
Was something I never believed.                             
                                                            
 9114 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Elsie Elspeth            



His movies would brighten my day;                           
I'd laugh at whatever he's say.                             
The world's got much worse                                  
Since he entered the hearse.                                
I'll miss him, the great Danny Kaye.                        
                                                            
 9115 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Archie                   



Yes, Danny was Daniel Kaminsky;                             
The name that he had on beginsky,                           
But changed it to Kaye,                                     
A comic to play,                                            
And garnered me many a grinsky.                             
                                                            
 9116 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Hugh Clary               



The palace chalice was smashed,                             
When from its position it crashed.                          
The potion with lotion                                      
Is now set in motion.                                       
The rest does not need being rehashed.                      
                                                            
 9117 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    C Ashton                 



Was it "Dragon-stamped flagon, eschew?"                     
For a poisonous pellet I'd view.                            
Or "The palace's chalice                                    
Is the brew with the malice!"                               
No, the pestle-etched vessel's for you!                     
                                                            
 9118 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Hugh Clary               



My thirst for the chalice is flaggin'                       
And too, for the flagon with dragon.                        
Is this vessel pure?                                        
No way to be sure.                                          
I'd better just go on the wagon.                            
(Danny Kaye bit -- Flagon with the dragon)                  
 9119 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Tychicus                 



We all know that Ellen is gay --                            
We knew before we heard her say.                            
Anee Heche was her muse                                     
Who then left -- what abuse!                                
Now to women Anne only says, "Nay!"                         
                                                            
 9120 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Julie Wiskirchen         



The news about Ellen deGeneris                              
Is almost as dead as Joe Penner is.                         
There's really no way                                       
That we care if she's gay,                                  
Or who gets to climb her mons veneris.                      
(Joe Penner - 30's comedian - Want to buy a duck?)          
 9121 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    John E Mayhood     P9706 



A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris,                                 
Minus publicity, would surely be penniless.                 
She seized on the chance,                                   
Put on a man's pants;                                       
Now the ratings of her are quite generous.                  
                                                            
 9122 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Jim Weaver Collection    



A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris                                  
Allows no man near her mons veneris.                        
Her habit appear                                            
Decidedly queer,                                            
But with women she's surely more generous.                  
                                                            
 9123 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Younger Brother          



A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris,                                 
Says "Men have no reason to enter us.                       
'Cause we girls rarely fight,                               
And can all take delight                                    
That our tongue lashings are much more generous.            
                                                            
 9124 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Uniball Medium           



A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris                                  
Was showing the world what her "tenor" is...                
With three friends, maybe four                              
They've begun a toy store,                                  
And I hear that they're calling it..."Men-R-Us"!            
                                                            
 9125 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Poet Lariat              



Says Disney to the Baptist Church who                       
Would boycott them 'cause loose virtue,                     
"A lesbian, Ellen                                           
DeGeneris tellin'                                           
The truth of her own life can't hurt you.                   
                                                            
 9126 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Younger Brother          



If you don't get Looney Tunes up there,                     
I'm sorry, and I know it's not fair.                        
For a depraved life you've led,                             
If you've not seen the bald head                            
Of Elmer Fudd, who can't catch that stupid hare.            
                                                            
 9127 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Claire                   



Cartoons have appeal universal,                             
Though the violence may be controversial.                   
But I'd never scorn                                         
That Foghorn Leghorn...                                     
Aat least they're one-up on commercials.                    
                                                            
 9128 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Tiddy Ogg                



George Carlin is really a wit                               
With his seven words that give censors a fit.               
They are shit, mother fucker,                               
Piss and cock sucker,                                       
And don't forget cunt, fuck and tit.                        
                                                            
 9129 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY                             



Georgie Gobel's a very fine lad,                            
The pride of his mother and dad;                            
The songs that he sings                                     
Play on the heart strings                                   
He deserves the success he has had.                         
                                                            
 9130 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    W L S Limerick Book 1937 



There was a comedian named Gobel                            
Who claimed he was stalwart and noble,                      
But the quips from his lips                                 
Were but bufffalo chips,                                    
For he knew how to fib and to throw bull.                   
                                                            
 9131 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Albin Chaplin   3024-2597



My island Eden, Gilligan.                                   
But first, removing every man.                              
The older lady too.                                         
Just leave those two                                        
As young as when the show began.                            
                                                            
 9132 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Irving Superior     P9411



I think we finally know why                                 
Their three-hour tour went awry.                            
The Skipper's a nipper                                      
And Gilligan's a tripper;                                   
That crew had one helluva ride.                             
                                                            
 9133 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Gearhart                 



The Minnow is stuck on an island;                           
The Skipper is going to cry and                             
Little Buddy's in jail;                                     
He's held without bail,                                     
Here on Gilligan's Highland.                                
                                                            
 9134 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Les Stewart              



Ginger's alone with the Skipper,                            
Though Sir Howell and the Prof want to dip her.             
"The Professor is wise,                                     
But I like Skipper's size,                                  
And Howell can't go quite past his zipper."                 
                                                            
 9135 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Captain and Gilligan, too,                              
Both lived in that grass hut for two;                       
But Ginger, the redhead,                                    
Nor Mary Ann gave head;                                     
Is what the professor thought true?                         
                                                            
 9136 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY                             



Poor Gilligan's in water so hot!                            
Avoiding substance abuse is not                             
So easy while                                               
Your marooned on an isle.                                   
That's why he was caught using pot.                         
(Bob Denver played Gilligan is busted for pot possession)   
 9137 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Puff Adder               



Then you have Thurston Howell                               
And his goofy wife cheek by jowl.                           
If he's so rich,                                            
Why'd he marry that witch?                                  
He should cover her face with a towel.                      
                                                            
 9138 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Puff Adder               



What about the silly professor,                             
A sort of father confessor,                                 
With useless inventions                                     
And silly pretensions;                                      
Your chances with him were much lesser.                     
                                                            
 9139 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Puff Adder               



Take the beautiful Mary Ann;                                
Of her I was never a fan.                                   
The same goes for Ginger;                                   
Their virtue not injured.                                   
It had to be hard on the man.                               
                                                            
 9140 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Puff Adder               



Pity the poor first mate;                                   
All those years without a date.                             
His emotions held back.                                     
He'd never attack;                                          
He was just resigned to his fate.                           
                                                            
 9141 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Puff Adder               



So now that Gilligan's back,                                
They ought to cut him some slack.                           
They busted his ass                                         
With ten grams of grass.                                    
It's not like he was shooting smack.                        
                                                            
 9142 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Puff Adder               



Just sit back and you'll hear a tale                        
Of a fateful trip in a swale.                               
The tiny ship tossed                                        
By the seas would be lost,                                  
If not for the courageous sail-                             
                                                            
 9143 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Jon Gearhart             



Ors who with their passengers landed                        
Out on a small isle and were stranded                       
For ages and ages                                           
Through antics outrageous,                                  
All caught by our cameras, candid.                          
                                                            
 9144 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Jon Gearhart             



Now Gilligan and Mary Anne                                  
Sometimes wandered off 'crossed the sand;                   
While Ginger and Skipper                                    
Fought o'er the Big Dipper,                                 
The Professor held in his hand.                             
                                                            
 9145 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Jon Gearhart             



Gilligan, Skip, and Professor...                            
The Millionaire's wife?  I detest her!                      
But oh, just one night                                      
Under the moonlight,                                        
I'd make Mary Anne scream out "Yes Sir!"                    
                                                            
 9146 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Bob Muychacha            



If Gracie Allen were the last of her sex,                   
And I were the last of mine,                                
I'd ease my tool,                                           
By fucking a mule,                                          
Or maybe a porcupine.                                       
(originally Gracie Fields, British music hall singer)       
 9147 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY                        L0648



There once was a brilliant showman,                         
'Groucho Marx' was his famous COGNOMEN.                     
There wasn't a finer                                        
Source of one-liner;                                        
At wit he was never a slow man.                             
                                                            
 9148 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Eva Amata                



There once was a comic - Jack Benny -                       
Who struggled to save every penny.                          
Asked his friends through their grins,                      
"Don't you pay for your sin's?"                             
In surprise Jack replied, "I haven't any!"                  
                                                            
 9149 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Neal Wilgus         P8205



I once met this little green man --                         
He'd a mishap with paint-spraying can.                      
Partner Ollie said, "Yes!                                   
Another fine mess                                           
You have now got us into", to Stan                          
                                                            
 9150 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    H Myers                  



When Letterman's acting on cam,                             
Some people do not give a damn.                             
While he tells his jokes,                                   
Most of the folks                                           
Would rather have Big Ass Whole Ham.                        
                                                            
 9151 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Tom Patton          P9504



As a comic he's surely no failure.                          
His sharp wit will quite quickly impale ya.                 
He does three shows a night                                 
And his future is bright,                                   
While the costumes he wears will regale ya.                 
                                                            
 9152 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    L C Fitzhugh        P0112



Caught up in the old TV whirl,                              
He often cross-dressed as a girl.                           
He looked bad in a dress                                    
With his makeup a mess,                                     
But the audience loved Milton Berle.                        
                                                            
 9153 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



The comedian named Milton Berle,                            
Went to bed with the set's wardrobe girl.                   
And before her young eyes,                                  
He revealed his full size,                                  
Though it took half an hour to unfurl.                      
                                                            
 9154 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Robert Birch        P9911



A comedian known as an Old Soak,                            
Fell flat when he told a new joke.                          
He said "What can I do?                                     
Good script writers are few;                                
I'll write mine and I'll stick to coke.                     
                                                            
 9155 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Arthur Pattaffy          



There is an old comic named Murray,                         
Who speaks all his lines in a hurry.                        
His jokes are grade nil;                                    
Everyone's had their fill.                                  
His career's at a stage he should worry.                    
                                                            
 9156 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Arthur Pattaffy          



A comic who came from the Azores,                           
Did his act and received some applause.                     
Sad to say, I recall,                                       
He did not please them all;                                 
He's afraid to be seen out of doors.                        
                                                            
 9157 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Arthur Pattaffy          



Orson Bean, raconteur and buffoon,                          
Was arrested for trying to moon                             
Her Majesty's Piper                                         
While attached to a viper                                   
He found in the wilds of Gaboon.                            
                                                            
 9158 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Cybergeezer              



The comics who go on TV,                                    
From pressing anxiety free,                                 
Don't need to hear laughter --                              
It's all dubbed in after,                                   
They laugh as they pocket their fee.                        
                                                            
 9159 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Paul Jennings            



A comedienne named Roseanne Barr                            
Crabbed her crotch, so her rep she did mar.                 
I thought it was funny                                      
And right on the money,                                     
But some thought she took it too far.                       
                                                            
 9160 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY                             



A grumpy old bullfrog named Dwight,                         
Slept in a box every night,                                 
Was kissed by a princess,                                   
Became Senor Wences,                                        
And croaked, with his mouth shut, "S'Alright!"              
(Senor Wences - ventriloquist on Ed Sullivan TV show)       
 9161 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Vertech Limerick Contest 



There once was a man, Steven Wright --                      
No, that wasn't him.                                        
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
 9162 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY                             



Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight.                     
They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night.                  
He resisted just one,                                       
But a pair?  Too much fun!                                  
So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright!                    
                                                            
 9163 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Kirk Miller              



If the Stooges were six, t'would be Moe Moe,                
And if Santa were tired, he'd say "Ho Ho",                  
And if Mr. Stallone                                         
Went around with a clone,                                   
They'd drive us all nuts yelling "Yo Yo!"                   
                                                            
 9164 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Ed Randolph              



Hollywood has been torn asunder                             
By a film of pirates and plunder.                           
The 3 Stooges are stars                                     
Getting drunk in rough bars;                                
It's a story of thud and blunder.                           
                                                            
 9165 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Tom Patton          P0203



It is said that old Wally Cox                               
Had an asshole as good as a box.                            
I've heard those who tried it,                              
Could never deny it,                                        
Ask Brando, the silly old fox.                              
                                                            
 9166 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    Jim Weaver Collection    



They asked Rogers, "How do you do                           
It?  All that humor so scatheing and new?"                  
"No trick being drole,                                      
When you have the whole                                     
Government working for you!"                                
                                                            
 9167 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - COMEDY    TuttaGioia               



Old Marv has been roundly defiled.                          
It has been a while since he smiled.                        
But before he wed,                                          
I heard his wife said,                                      
"I'm yours once your teeth have been filed."                
                                                            
 9168 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Frank                    



Marv Albert is in court today.                              
'Not Guilty' is what he did say.                            
His lawyer, Roy Black,                                      
Is far from a hack.                                         
Some blood he will draw, not just pay.                      
                                                            
 9169 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Frank Fazed              



For one month we now have to wait                           
Till the judge tells poor Marv his fate.                    
I'd venture a guess,                                        
He'll not shout out "Yessssssssss!"                         
His network might show him the gate.                        
                                                            
 9170 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Frank Fazed              



Proceedings have come to an end.                            
We all know which way Marv does bend.                       
From his guilty plea,                                       
We've now come to see,                                      
He's starting a new fashion trend.                          
                                                            
 9171 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Frank Fazed              



Old Marv says he'll never confess                           
To tearing or blotting her dress.                           
To avoid total waste,                                       
He said, "Here, have a taste."                              
She refused, but Marv answered, "Yessssss!"                 
                                                            
 9172 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Frank Fazed              



The plaintiff, Roy surely will press:                       
'Just why were you out of your dress?                       
Marv's taste may be bent,                                   
But did you consent?'                                       
Then Marv will blurt out with a "Yesssssssss!"              
                                                            
 9173 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Frank Fazed              



Poor Marv must have really been smitten,                    
With his hot little horny sex kitten.                       
But I'll bet that the guy                                   
From now on is twice shy,                                   
Though it's she who has been once bitten.                   
                                                            
 9174 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  MrMalo                   



"Though," Marv Albert said, "I've a cute Bod,               
This season I'll not get the nod                            
Nor the pleasure to see                                     
My name on a marque                                         
Being broadcasting's Marquis de Sade."                      
                                                            
 9175 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



"Well it sure was no kid's game, it's true."                
Said one witness. "Marv Albert I knew                       
Enjoyed being kinky                                         
In longerie slinky.                                         
I backed out when he said, 'Bites on you!'"                 
                                                            
 9176 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



New York's Marv Albert was bored;                           
It had been much too long since he'd scored.                
But a hotel room tryst                                      
Surely gives a new twist                                    
To the "Albert Achievement Award".                          
                                                            
 9177 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  kj                       



Once Marv Albert announced off the cuff,                    
"Since the world now knows I like sex rough;                
My fiancee, Heather,                                        
Has questions if whether                                    
My just Falkiner will be enough."                           
                                                            
 9178 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



When he has one too many highballs,                         
It's then Marv Albert's libido calls.                       
That's when he feels svelte                                 
In his garter belt,                                         
With pink panties covering his balls.                       
                                                            
 9179 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Tom Patton          P9711



She said, "First it sounded inviting,                       
In her bed with friend Marv, exciting.                      
On second thought                                           
What if I'm caught                                          
While he's front instead of back biting?"                   
                                                            
 9180 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Tom Patton          P9711



NBC showed small sportsmanship                              
On learning of Albert's unzip.                              
Their action reported,                                      
His job was aborted.                                        
Post headline: "MARV GETS PINK SLIP".                       
                                                            
 9181 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Tom Patton          P9711



Marv Albert set the sports world agog.                      
His mind snapped and his brain slipped a cog.               
He started to bark,                                         
His teeth made a mark.                                      
It's always news when man bites a dog.                      
                                                            
 9182 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Tom Patton          P9710



Said the shrink to poor Marv, "Take a seat.                 
Your problem is easily beat.                                
Post hypnotic suggestion                                    
You'll learn in one session.                                
The back ain't the part that you eat!                       
                                                            
 9183 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Mike Tyson, and Marv Albert before,                     
Both in boxing and foreplay galore,                         
Have come to be burned                                      
When they sadly learned,                                    
It's not with the teeth that you score.                     
                                                            
 9184 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT  Frank Spectre            



This Tuesday finds Marv in the court                        
To offer his only retort:                                   
I was not upon her.                                         
She backed up, Your Honor,                                  
I have nothing more to report.                              
                                                            
 9185 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - M ALBERT                           



An actor named Adrian Paul,                                 
Was muscular, handsome and tall.                            
"Oh!  Beefcake for you,                                     
I just will not do!"                                        
He said as he nearly bared all.                             
                                                            
 9186 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Karen Droms              



I have heard that once Alex Trebek                          
Wished to govern the province, Quebec.                      
But his mom said, "You're mad.                              
Get in show business, lad."                                 
Did that jeopardize Alex, you 'spect?                       
(Alex Trebek - host of popular 1990's quiz show - Jeopardy) 
 9187 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Loren Fitzhugh      P9202



Suave Alistair Cooke raised a fuss                          
On old TV show "OMNIBUS;"                                   
It wasn't a book,                                           
Nor adjective.  Look,                                       
It brought high-class viewing to us.                        
                                                            
 9188 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Chris Papa               



A radio makes a neat sound,                                 
But the present-day public has found,                       
That the picture you see                                    
On a large-screen TV                                        
Is the thing that most truly astounds!                      
                                                            
 9189 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Cap'n Bean          P9812



The "Baywatch" girls all are so pretty;                     
They show inside thigh, navel and titty.                    
But though it might seem                                    
Like a scriptwriter's dream,                                
Their dialog's not very witty.                              
                                                            
 9190 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Jim Weaver Collection    



Fox News has a pundit named Bill                            
Whose view of the world is quite shrill.                    
Fair and balanced, his claim.                               
He makes Franken look tame.                                 
He's a right-wing conservative shill.                       
                                                            
 9191 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Anon                     



Two Mavericks were Bret and Bart;                           
You can hardly tell them apart.                             
One was James Garner,                                       
Other some 'furriner';                                      
Can't wait for the reruns to start.                         
                                                            
 9192 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Jack Franklin            



No more worries for the Meathead.                           
Many tears the Dingbat will shed.                           
Not one more big fight,                                     
In the 'Heat of the Night',                                 
'Cause old Archie Bunker is dead.                           
(Carroll O'Conner, actor, died 2001)                        
 9193 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Carol                    



If you happen to watch Channel Four,                        
Then you must be a bit of a bore.                           
You can see Richard Whitely,                                
Not once, but twice nightly.                                
I don't think I can take any more!                          
                                                            
 9194 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Bill Wall                



As much as this chick Courtney Love                         
Wants to give her career a quick shove,                     
She's not really shocking,                                  
Although quite self-mocking                                 
And almost as peaceful as a dove.                           
                                                            
 9195 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Julie Wiskirchen         



Steve Irwin's a hero, alright,                              
For taming the crocodile's might.                           
But rumors are rife                                         
That he's ditching his wife                                 
Because, when in bed, she won't bite.                       
                                                            
 9196 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        SFA                      



Dan Rather's a bit of a prude                               
About news that is dirty and lewd.                          
Or at least so I gather                                     
For it seems that he'd rather                               
Eat shit than say anything rude.                            
(American newsman of the 80's and 90's)                     
 9197 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Neal Wilgus         P8205



I dreamt that I entered a place                             
And saw David Letterman's face.                             
He said to me, "Keith,                                      
I won't fix my teeth,                                       
Since everyone needs his own space."                        
                                                            
 9198 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Keith Gilman        P0107



Ellen DeGeneres said, "It's true                            
I have loved and more than a few.                           
But I told Kathy Lee,                                       
'If you'll just marry me,                                   
I swear I'll always be Frank with you.'"                    
                                                            
 9199 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



Kathy Gifford has been in a stew--                          
With her ex, she's have nothing to do!                      
So bid Ellen Degeneris,                                     
Dreaming of her 'mons veneris'                              
"Kathy, can I be frank with you."                           
                                                            
 9200 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        CB                  T9710



Whenever I watch Donahue,                                   
And I look an his strange retinue,                          
I see some weird folks,                                     
Whom he always provokes,                                    
And I saw a cute cockatoo, too.                             
(And delinquents who fornicate, too.)                       
 9201 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Al Willis           P9601



I once thought that time travel was true,                   
After watching too much "Doctor Who".                       
To visit a place                                            
Other side of deep space,                                   
But my TARDIS is not square and blue.                       
                                                            
 9202 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



The Duke boys asked Cooter to rent                          
Equipment to straighten a dent.                             
Then he said, "Luke and Bo,                                 
I must answere you, No."                                    
They found out what accouterment!                           
(TV show 'Dukes of Hazard")                                 
 9203 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        John Dohner         P8801



We all know that Ellen is gay --                            
We knew before she had her say.                             
Anne Heche was her muse                                     
Who then left -- what abuse!                                
Now to women, Anne only says "Nay!"                         
                                                            
 9204 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Molly Denver             



I trust there's no village named Ewingham,                  
Else poets would rhyme it with "viewing 'em,"               
Or concoct some cheap verse                                 
About girls who coerce                                      
Reluctant young lads into screwing 'em.                     
                                                            
 9205 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Armand E Singer       658



I thought Fess was a guy that played Davey,                 
But find it's a bar, staight or wavy,                       
In heraldry's place,                                        
That sets up the space                                      
For griffins, gargoyles and gravy.                          
                                                            
 9206 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Chris Papa               



A actress called Lucci, on cable,                           
Whose Emmy near-misses are fable,                           
Played Erica Kane,                                          
Eighteen years without gain,                                
But the nineteenth confirm Kane was able!                   
                                                            
 9207 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Prof M-G                 



With that voice, Fran Drescher is hot!                      
With that laugh, I like it a lot!                           
If I got her alone                                          
I'd show her my bone,                                       
And feed her all the protein I've got.                      
                                                            
 9208 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Richard Florida          



Paul Reiser, you dirty little runt!                         
You've pulled a miraculous stunt.                           
Though it's only a show                                     
Not everyone knows                                          
And they think that you fucked Helen Hunt!                  
                                                            
 9209 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Jim Weaver Collection    



George Michael, you know, it's a fact --                    
I can't say it with much more tact.                         
I have heard it said                                        
It was in the head                                          
That he got caught in a lewd act.                           
                                                            
 9210 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



Our Gillian comes to consult                                
On phenomena weird and occult,                              
In her role on the X-files                                  
And they're not the sex-files;                              
Her fan club is male and adult.                             
(Gillian who?)                                              
 9211 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Satori Press             



Our Resident Assistant is Dez;                              
I heard that she is a Lez.                                  
But what makes her fidget                                   
Is the dick of a midget;                                    
I caught her with Herve Vallachez!                          
                                                            
 9212 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Jim Weaver Collection    



A word spout named Howard Cosell                            
Set his sights on the language Nobel,                       
By over inflating                                           
His conflabulating,                                         
But to blow hard is not to blow well.                       
                                                            
 9213 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        John Ciardi              



Howard Cosell Grandiose                                     
Gave answers quite often verbose.                           
Culling grain from the chaff,                               
Rarely produced a laugh,                                    
And the viewer became comatose.                             
                                                            
 9214 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Mark Chartrand           



If you regularly watch ITV,                                 
(Which I gather is on Channel Three),                       
They have jolly good breaks                                 
With commercials for cakes;                                 
It's the programs that mystify me.                          
                                                            
 9215 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Bill Wall                



Jack Paar remains my kind of guy;                           
At times he was bashful and shy.                            
He'd expose superstitions                                   
And tweak politicians.                                      
And every so often he'd cry.                                
                                                            
 9216 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Jerry,                        
Whose program, to some, was quite scary.                    
But average folks say                                       
That Springer's okay --                                     
He treats all degenerates fairly.                           
                                                            
 9217 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Brad Gianden        P9804



Why isn't there anything on TV?                             
It's getting more and more trashy;                          
Turn it to Springer;                                        
He's a real humdinger                                       
With the cheaters, liars, and lezzies.                      
                                                            
 9218 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



Johnny Carson's most famous late show                       
Has Ed Ames do a tomahawk throw.                            
Though his scalping, in fact,                               
Leraves the top skin intact,                                
When Ed aims, his foe's scalped down below!                 
                                                            
 9219 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Prof M-G           TP9806



Judge Judy has a television show;                           
Her Justice is blow by blow.                                
She sits on a bench --                                      
What a fierce looking wench!                                
But she's just a big yenta, you know!                       
                                                            
 9220 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Larry M                  



Julia Child said, "Let's lunch and we'll chat."             
The champagne she sent back.  It was flat.                  
Although she let stay                                       
The delicious pate,                                         
She remarked, "I would like fries with that."               
(Julia Child - famous TV chef for French cooking)           
 9221 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Loren C. Fitzhugh        



An actor named Kelsey Grammer,                              
Who's known for his encessant yammer --                     
Screwed his kid's sitter                                    
Which made her quite bitter.                                
He barely avoided the slammer.                              
                                                            
 9222 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Molly Denver             



He did not let his allergy stop                             
Him from doing his job as a cop.                            
When his unit's SWAT team                                   
Stopped at Karl's Krispy Kreme,                             
Kojak sucked on a big lollipop.                             
                                                            
 9223 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        William Nesbit      P0106



When Telly Savalas would play                               
A role that required a toupee,                              
He would purchase a wig                                     
To handle the gig,                                          
And was ruggedly handsome, they say.                        
                                                            
 9224 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Hugh Clary               



There once was a King, first name Larry,                    
Who seven women did marry.                                  
He isn't so pleasin',                                       
Maybe that is the reason                                    
Why none of the women did tarry.                            
                                                            
 9225 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Popsicle           TP9806



Oh, Superman and Lois Lane,                                 
One's a cripple, the other's insane.                        
He fell off his steed,                                      
She lost it indeed,                                         
Between them, they have but one brain.                      
                                                            
 9226 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



The two from the Superman flick                             
Turned out to be two kinds of sick.                         
He fell off his horse,                                      
She's loony, of course,                                     
So they took her away really quick.                         
                                                            
 9227 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



There once was an actress named Margot                      
Who carried 'round plenty of cargo.                         
She played Lois Lane                                        
Before going insane,                                        
And her brain turned into escargot.                         
                                                            
 9228 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



Mary Tyler Moore was a snob;                                
She knew what to do with a cob.                             
Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring,                               
As Princess she did ring                                    
The chimes of Buffalo Bob!                                  
(on the Howdy Doody Show)                                   
 9229 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Annie Jay                



What of Mary Tyler Moore?                                   
That freshly scrubbed girly next door.                      
She cried, "Mr. Grant!"                                     
As he got in her pants,                                     
"I never knew what that was for!"                           
                                                            
 9230 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Arden                    



Mr Rogers, you've not passed away,                          
For our children forever will play                          
In that safe neighborhood,                                  
Where friends learn love is good,                           
And it's always a beautiful day.                            
                                                            
 9231 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



When 5 and just starting at school,                         
TV programs for kiddies showed cruel                        
And unusual perversions                                     
Or sexual diversions.                                       
My favorite was "Muffin The Mule".                          
                                                            
 9232 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



There most surely could be no dispute                       
That inventions should get our salute.                      
For the greatest invention,                                 
There can be no contention;                                 
It's that button, so simple, called "Mute."                 
                                                            
 9233 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Al Chaplin          P0303



On late night, they're still cloning Carson;                
On Sunday it's some greedy parson.                          
And spaced in between                                       
Is the juvenille scene.                                     
How I long for the days of Greer Garson.                    
                                                            
 9234 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Gifford Wherry           



When Sidney appeared on TV,                                 
Pretending that he was a she,                               
He wound up on Springer                                     
Between an old swinger                                      
And a blond with a dwarf on her knee.                       
                                                            
 9235 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Nancy Ashbaugh      P0105



This sensitive lady called Rose,                            
Has secrets she'll never disclose.                          
Except to her Gillian,                                      
And seventy million                                         
Odd viewers of Oprah's talk-shows.                          
                                                            
 9236 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Nick D Kim               



Poor Oprah was arrested out back;                           
They found dope piled high in a stack.                      
When they lifted her dress,                                 
'Twas a terrible mess;                                      
They found forty pounds of crack!                           
                                                            
 9237 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Bobby                    



A barb-wired type actress named Pam                         
Just might show a shoulder or gam.                          
Her Baywatch swimsuit                                       
Is red and it's cute,                                       
But for Playboy, it's doffed, thank you ma'am.              
                                                            
 9238 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Satori Press             



"The end of the world, I suppose,"                          
Complained an old lady named Bowes,                         
"Will just out of spite                                     
Come on Saturday Night                                      
And preempt all the good TV shows."                         
                                                            
 9239 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Attic Salt          P9809



Valiant brothers, Rick and A. J.                            
Are PI's from San Diego way.  (private investigators)       
Bachelors, like the rest,                                   
Mom's the gal they love best.                               
Do you think they are straight or are gay?                  
                                                            
 9240 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Lynn Mostafa             



In decades past, people would listen                        
To the sounds of their radios hissin';                      
But with TV today,                                          
Kids get carried away,                                      
Watchin' violence, swearin' and kissin'.                    
                                                            
 9241 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Cap'n Bean          P9812



There was a stiff news man named Rather                     
Who worshipped Newt's mother, we gather.                    
Hey, bitch! Watch your tongue",                             
He told Connie Chung,                                       
"And your liberal Eye-to-Eye blather."                      
                                                            
 9242 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Mark Levy           P9507



It would give me some strange satisfaction,                 
And promote lots of viewer attraction,                      
To see Regis, with class,                                   
Fuck Kathie Lee in the ass,                                 
With Frank Gifford reporting the action.                    
                                                            
 9243 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Writerman                



In the A.M, I switch on the TV                              
For the news in this land of the free.                      
What greets me is Regis,                                    
Mundane and egregious,                                      
With his sidekick, inane Kathie Lee.                        
                                                            
 9244 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9707



Robert Downey's dark eldest son,                            
Once again has had too much fun.                            
He got caught with more drugs,                              
Which groups him with thugs.                                
What's next?  Getting caught with a gun?                    
                                                            
 9245 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Julie Wiskirchen         



Firing Rukeyser is worse than abysmal;                      
The new show is DOA dismal.                                 
Riled, Lou's sponsors quit;                                 
PBS had a fit;                                              
Blame the moron who axed the charismal.                     
                                                            
 9246 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Esther Koch         P0208



There once was a steatopygian named Rush,   (fat-assed)     
Whose cranium was packed full of mush.                      
He would bellow and bray                                    
'Til the end of the day,                                    
While dimwitted Ditto Heads gushed.                         
                                                            
 9247 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



An actress named Sally Struthers                            
Get a bit more flack than the others.                       
She's got a big butt --                                     
It happens -- So what?                                      
She'd lose it if she had her druthers.                      
                                                            
 9248 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



The Ewing's home town would be Ewingham;                    
If they had girl kids, I'd be viewing 'em,                  
But one thing I swear,                                      
It wouldn't stop there;'                                    
A piece down the road, I'd be screwing 'em.                 
                                                            
 9249 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Armand E Singer      658A



Said Scully to her boss Skinner,                            
"How would you like to join me for dinner?"                 
So they went out and ate,                                   
Then right around eight,                                    
At his place, she made him a sinner!                        
                                                            
 9250 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



Seinfeld? Now who the hell's he?                            
That's one guy I never did see.                             
I've heard that he's clever,                                
But look at him? Never!                                     
Then I'd have to put up with TV.                            
                                                            
 9251 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        John Miller 0328         



It seems you and I do agree;                                
Seinfeld's not funny to me.                                 
Watching's a chore.                                         
His show is a bore;                                         
Not something that I'd care to see.                         
                                                            
 9252 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Arden                    



In Canada, Stern is a strange thing;                        
In the States, he is truly a king.                          
His penis is small,                                         
His guests have one ball,                                   
But his cash register always goes ding-ding!                
                                                            
 9253 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Jim Weaver Collection    



Twin Peaks is our favorite show.                            
You'd earn Emmys to bare what's below.                      
It could get out-of-hand                                    
When your fans 'cross the land,                             
Show their wares, hoping for quid pro quo.                  
                                                            
 9254 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



I wish I could see Vanna's bed,                             
A place where our clothes we could shed.                    
For delights a la carte,                                    
Our legs we would part.                                     
And give each the other some head.                          
                                                            
 9255 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Chris Kocsis        P9103



What I learned from watching TV:                            
Erectile dysfunction's E.D.;                                
That sandwiches talk;                                       
And condoms can walk;                                       
And that my sex drive needs a key.                          
                                                            
 9256 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



Waiting while nursing a hickey,                             
Scully said, "We've got time for a quickie."                
The dove in the closet                                      
To withdraw and deposit,                                    
And got Mulder's trenchcoat all sticky.                     
                                                            
 9257 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Hal Prillalar            



As an alien sucked Scully's big toe,                        
They were caught in flagrante delicto,                      
By a robot named Gort,                                      
Whose menace to thwart,                                     
They yelled "Klatu barada nictu."                           
                                                            
 9258 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Hal Prillalar            



"I am a trained medical Dr."                                
Scully gasped out, but still Mulder shocked her,            
By how thick was his prick                                  
When he'd stick his slick dick                              
In her snatch as he focktor and rocked her.                 
                                                            
 9259 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Hal Prillalar            



Mulder and Scully, Scully and Mulder;                       
FBI chemistry's a smolder.                                  
The files are X-rated                                       
Why no love consumated?                                     
Not colder, dear Mulder, be bolder!                         
                                                            
 9260 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Lynn Mostafa             



An FBI agent named Mulder                                   
Bore the cares of the world on his shoulder.                
When people asked why,                                      
He answered them, "I                                        
Work with Scully but don't get to hold her."                
(X-files)                                                   
 9261 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Richard Long             



There was a tall warrior from Greece                        
Who loved a woman who had golden fleece.                    
Where ever they went,                                       
Xena's ire was not spent;                                   
His hard oral skills kept her at ease.                      
                                                            
 9262 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV                                 



If Lucy Lawless ever went braless,                          
Sans T shirt as well, she was topless,                      
Would they point to the sky?                                
Or sag, and down lie?                                       
I hear the scarring's a mess!                               
                                                            
 9263 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Archie                   



Princess Xena and Gabrielle                                 
Giving Gods and all the villains hell.                      
Giving out the Rebel-Yell                                   
Bidding suitors Fare-Thee-Well.                             
What price love, they'll never tell.                        
                                                            
 9264 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Lynn Mostafa             



Mistress Xena was giving a slave                            
A strict lesson in how to behave.                           
But while cracking her whip,                                
She felt a disc slip,                                       
And suffered more pain than she gave.                       
                                                            
 9265 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Lims For Year - 01       



I love to watch movies with Xena;                           
She has such a sexy demeanor.                               
She has legs that are long,                                 
And she does own a thong                                    
And some things that are even obscener!                     
                                                            
 9266 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - TV        Al Willis           T9707



A cable channel on my TV,                                   
Shows only ladies that like to pee.                         
Some in the grass,                                          
Some in a glass,                                            
And some from up in a tree.                                 
                                                            
 9267 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Puff Adder               



Another channel shows only tits;                            
Some that look like cherry pits.                            
Some with boobs                                             
That look like tubes,                                       
Some that are covered with zits.                            
                                                            
 9268 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Puff Adder               



What a marvel is this cable,                                
That lets us all be able                                    
To be educated                                              
Of things X-rated,                                          
During lunch at the kitchen table.                          
                                                            
 9269 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Puff Adder               



Houdini the great escape king,                              
Claimed he could unlock anything;                           
Stripped to the buff,                                       
Harry shed every cuff,                                      
And he did it without a keyring.                            
                                                            
 9270 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Joel D Ash               



A challenge made to one and all,                            
Ballyhooed as a clarion call;                               
"Iron clad guarantee.                                       
No lock can hold me."                                       
Manufacturers annoyed at his gall.                          
                                                            
 9271 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Joel D Ash               



One summoned his research V.P.                              
"Start work on a new lock and key.                          
To meet every test.                                         
Make sure it's the best.                                    
Handcuffs that will stump Houdini."                         
                                                            
 9272 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Joel D Ash               



The work was a smashing success,                            
Foolproof cuffs publicized to the press;                    
Make Houdini eat crow,                                      
At a really big show,                                       
Handcuff makers would love his distress.                    
                                                            
 9273 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Joel D Ash               



The magician was cuffed and then chained,                   
In a box he was carefully constrained;                      
Thrown into the bay,                                        
All his friends in dismay,                                  
Under water so long he remained.                            
                                                            
 9274 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Joel D Ash               



One spectator smiled like a fox,                            
The V.P. who designed the locks;                            
He'd sold Harry the key;                                    
Houdini would be free,                                      
`rom the handcuffs, the chains, and the box.                
                                                            
 9275 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Joel D Ash               



Howard Stern is one hundred percent phony;                  
He's worse that Imus, his crony.                            
But I'd like to have Robin                                  
Do some head bobbin                                         
Up and down around my baloney.                              
                                                            
 9276 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   MrMalo                   



His opinions are always wrong                               
And always go on for too long.                              
He makes all that money                                     
And he ain't even funny;                                    
I'd much rather hear a good song.                           
                                                            
 9277 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   MrMalo                   



Said Olsen twin sis Mary-Kate,                              
"I've learned a cool trick: masturbate!                     
I fill my vagina                                            
With Ben-wa from China;                                     
Now I no longer need to go date.                            
                                                            
 9278 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Captain Infinity         



But Ashley sees green, to be frank,                         
Jealous at twin sister's prank.                             
She says, "I'll show them!                                  
I'll try S&M!"                                              
She loves to have her hiney spanked.                        
                                                            
 9279 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Captain Infinity         



As I climb into my wetsuit,                                 
(Then  hunted around for my boot)                           
I hoped I would spy                                         
A whale eye-to-eye                                          
And discover some pirate loot.                              
                                                            
 9280 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Marlene                  



I'm frequently flying in space.                             
I visit some alien place.                                   
I go back in time;                                          
I solve a big crime,                                        
Then help build an undersea base.                           
                                                            
 9281 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Marlene                  



Exploration gives me that big thrill;                       
The thought of its loss brings a chill.                     
I donate my cash                                            
Whenever they flash,                                        
"If PBS won't do it, who will?"                             
                                                            
 9282 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Marlene                  



If you notice some sag in your tush                         
And you've given Weight-Watchers the brush,                 
No need to feel sad,                                        
Or judge yourself bad --                                    
You're surely less bloated than Rush.                       
                                                            
 9283 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



His views are the match of his girth --                     
They're outsize and would attract mirth,                    
But the ditto-head scum                                     
Are so glum and so dumb,                                    
That they egg on, this not-upon-earth.                      
                                                            
 9284 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh Dearie, pontificate.                                     
Politicos do it in state.                                   
Since they know they'll get warts                           
Without their cohorts --                                    
Well Rush, go ahead, masturbate!                            
                                                            
 9285 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's a thriller that's called "24,"                       
Which is way too intense to ignore.                         
Every week, it's one hour                                   
With Agent Jack Bauer,                                      
And twists and excitement galore.                           
                                                            
 9286 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Larry Hollister          



It's an intricate plot, but in brief:                       
An election provides the motif.                             
If this jumbo jet bomber                                    
Can kill David Palmer,                                      
He won't be Commander-in-Chief.                             
                                                            
 9287 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Larry Hollister          



Agent Bauer is in a tight spot;                             
To survive will take all that he's got.                     
Where the hell is his daughter?                             
The bad guys have got her!                                  
And that's just the start of the plot!                      
                                                            
 9288 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Larry Hollister          



California's the perfect location                           
For some candidate depopulation.                            
Now this Senator dude                                       
May get royally screwed                                     
As the butt of a ass-ass-ination.                           
                                                            
 9289 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Larry Hollister          



Kiefer Sutherland, man-of-the-hour,                         
Won a Golden Globe playing Jack Bauer.                      
But the guy's been awake                                    
All night long, for pete's sake,                            
So I think he could use a cold shower.                      
                                                            
 9290 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Larry Hollister          



When I'm watching this show, I'm in heaven,                 
Right along with my kid, who's eleven.                      
We both get our kicks                                       
Watching episode six,                                       
But we really liked 24/7.                                   
                                                            
 9291 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Larry Hollister          



At 10, it's the news and the weather.                       
The newscaster sits in his leather                          
Armchair looking grim;                                      
I don't listen to him,                                      
For I'm waiting on weather-girl Heather.                    
                                                            
 9292 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The blouses she wears are enhancing;                        
Her fronts (always warm) are advancing;                     
Her nipples jut out                                         
When cold weather's about,                                  
And her deep husky voice is entrancing.                     
                                                            
 9293 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The heave of her breast makes me sigh,                      
As she talks about temperatures high;                       
And with pressures arising,                                 
It isn't surprising                                         
That precipitation is nigh.                                 
                                                            
 9294 CELEBS - ENTERTAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Miss Earhart took off in her plane;                         
Breaking records again and again.                           
Her last try at flying,                                     
She died in the trying;                                     
Hardly worth it I'd think, in the main.                     
                                                            
 9295 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



As the robot plane flies the Pacific,                       
It's looking for nothing specific.                          
But if it should slip on                                    
To forces of Nippon,                                        
And find Amy Earhart, terrific!                             
                                                            
 9296 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Dr Limerick              



Amelia Earhart got lost, to be blunt,                       
Because of the navigator's stunt.                           
He pulled out his wang                                      
And chortled, "Hot dang!                                    
There's one helluva cockpit up front!"                      
                                                            
 9297 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Don Moore           P9102



In a bed of Hawaiian Lias,                                  
Writes a native who speaks without bias,                    
There was lately disclosed                                  
A fossil supposed                                           
To be that of Bartholomew Diaz.                             
                                                            
 9298 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Aldous Huxley       P8208



"Egad!" cried Sir Basil, "In truth,                         
It is wicked, immoral, uncouth.                             
And a strange paradox,                                      
But these Nubian cocks                                      
Remind me of Eton, and youth."                              
                                                            
 9299 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Gents Alphabet Book P9609



There was an explorer named Behring                         
Who spoke of his exploits so daring.                        
I've fucked ladles so vigorous,                             
That men found them rigorous,                               
And I've fucked them as dead as a herring."                 
                                                            
 9300 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0649



When Captain Bligh had reached Samoa                        
We rowed . . rowed . . and rowed some more . . .            
For punning dismally                                        
They put Bligh back to sea                                  
Although the judge said, "That was some oar."               
                                                            
 9301 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



The odd thing about Cecil Rhodes                            
Was his fondness for natterjack toads.                      
He'd eat them alive;                                        
Sometimes four or five,                                     
Hence his need for enormous commodes.                       
                                                            
 9302 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Bill Wall                



Three ships did proudly set sail,                           
To find new land without fail.                              
New land they did reach,                                    
Stepped out on the beach                                    
And played in the sand with their pails.                    
                                                            
 9303 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Jim Weaver Collection    



When Christopher Columbus left Spain,                       
Many thought that he was insane.                            
But he laid that to rest                                    
When he sailed to the west,                                 
And discovered the old Spanish Main.                        
                                                            
 9304 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Gifford Wherry           



As he neared the West Indies shore line,                    
Chris Columbus cried, "This land is mine!"                  
When the native lookout                                     
Was remiss to hang out,                                     
A big flashing "NO VACANCY" sign.                           
                                                            
 9305 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             William N Nesbit    P0010



Chuck Yeager, a man who was blessed                         
With test-flying skills of the best,                        
Said "I never was paid                                      
To say I was afraid,                                        
But once I was mighty impressed."                           
                                                            
 9306 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



In Fourteen Hundred Ninety-Two                              
Columbus set sail on the blue.                              
Some lived where he landed;                                 
I'll never understand it;                                   
They claimed it discovered anew.                            
                                                            
 9307 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



In fourteen hundred and ninety two,                         
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.                             
He climbed up the mast                                      
And skinned his ass,                                        
And shit all over the crew.                                 
                                                            
 9308 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Jim Weaver Collection    



Columbus, some say, was a heel,                             
A chauvinist, brimming with zeal.                           
Though an ocean he crossed,                                 
The New World was not lost;                                 
Still, he did bring the natives the wheel.                  
                                                            
 9309 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Arthur Deex         P9311



Chris Columbus said "Earth's really round;                  
Sailing west, India's sure to be found;"                    
So they sailed; bells did chime;                            
But the world, at that time;                                
Was all flat, not what Chris did expound.                   
                                                            
 9310 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



Then, a dike ringed the edge of the world;                  
C.C.'s fleet smashed right through, sails unfurled;         
They fell in the abyss;                                     
Sea poured out with a hiss;                                 
The old Earth dried out; then up it curled!                 
                                                            
 9311 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



The day DeSoto first beheld it,                             
PISSISSIMMI he named and spelled it.                        
PISSISSIMMI                                                 
With care spelled he                                        
Then wrote, "P.S. please don't pissmell it."                
                                                            
 9312 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Irving Superior     P8801



Dr. Livingston told me that Speke                           
Was almost a natural freak,                                 
As possessing one lung,                                     
A chameleon tongue,                                         
And a nose which was more than unique.                      
                                                            
 9313 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Aldous Huxley       P8208



Toward Shetland sailed Erik the Norse,                      
For this, he had heard, was the source                      
Of those very small steeds,                                 
Which is what Erik needs                                    
When tackling those very small chores.                      
                                                            
 9314 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Gary Hallock             



But things went from bad to much worse;                     
He misread his maps, went off course.                       
Encouyntered a Dragon,                                      
Who fixed his red wagon;                                    
He put cartographer the horse.                              
                                                            
 9315 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Gary Hallock             



There was an explorer named Frost                           
Who many new frontiers had crossed.                         
But there was no recovery                                   
From his frightful discovery,                               
When he found he was hopelessly lost.                       
                                                            
 9316 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2582



Lost hunting for tigers, Lord Booth,                        
Discovered the Fountain of Youth,                           
El Dorado, the Incas,                                       
Atlantis, robed thinkers,                                   
And sixty-five women named Ruth.                            
                                                            
 9317 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Heather McCabe           



On nights when exploring my Shauna,                         
A gal with a crotch like a sauna,                           
I fearlessly push                                           
Deep into her bush,                                         
To bag me some Flora and Fauna.                             
                                                            
 9318 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             SFA                      



This is Hudson; marooned without hope,                      
Without food and without telescope.                         
He is here represented                                      
Just when he'd invented                                     
His now world-notorious soap.                               
                                                            
 9319 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Aldous Huxley       P8208



When he entered the Yellowstone Basin                       
John Coulter felt his pecker start raisin',                 
For the sulfurous stench                                    
Brought to mind the Crow wench                              
And the sniff of the quiff he'd been chasin'.               
                                                            
 9320 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                 P8205



They think that the feeling is grand,                       
Of holding my gland in my hand.                             
What I would like to do --                                  
Be Johnny-Apple-goo                                         
And spread my seed over the land!                           
                                                            
 9321 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Richard Long             



When Cabot reach Cape Buenavista                            
His ship had a bit of a lista;                              
But he reached for his hat                                  
And said "Never mind that --                                
Just look at that Beothuk's sista!"                         
                                                            
 9322 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Ray Goodyear, Sydney  20a



The explorers Lewis and Clark                               
Found their expedition a lark,                              
For Sacagawea,                                              
Let both of them lay her -                                  
That discovery they kept in the dark.                       
                                                            
 9323 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                 P8205



At seeing his discharge "I'll be a...                       
How do explorers get gonorrhea?"                            
Said Lewis to Clark,                                        
"Twas the lark in the dark,                                 
Not with Jack, but Sacajawea."                              
                                                            
 9324 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Richard Robertson   P0301



Neither Lewis nor Clark did obsess                          
Over methods demanding finesse.                             
They struck out for the West                                
To do what they did best,                                   
Without benefit of GPS.                                     
                                                            
 9325 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Loren Fitzhugh      P0310



The President sent them out west;                           
As explorers they seemed far the best.                      
But they hadn't a notion,                                   
How far was the ocean.                                      
They were just as befogged as the rest.                     
                                                            
 9326 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Conan the Librarian      



Lewis the end of PENINSULA faced;                           
Connection to mainland was traced.                          
With Indian guide,                                          
To the neck quickly hied,                                   
Then he shouted, "Isthmus be the place!"                    
                                                            
 9327 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             DMF                      



On Newfoundland's far eastern shores,                       
Cried Lief Eriksson, "Men, ship your oars!                  
We've sculled through the fog                               
To this cranberry bog,                                      
And I think we've just missed the Azores!"                  
                                                            
 9328 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             John E Lewis        P0207



A gold prospector, Rembrandt Van Brost,                     
Didn't tolerate well, cold or frost.                        
While warming his ass,                                      
He plunged down a crevasse,                                 
And that's how "The Lost Dutchman" was lost.                
                                                            
 9329 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Loren C Fitzhugh    P9612



If you go back some 300 years,                              
French settlers, with very few fears,                       
Headed for the new world                                    
With sails unfurled,                                        
To the accompaniment of many cheers.                        
                                                            
 9330 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



Not being one to gloat                                      
I'll pass over the state of their boat,                     
But the sails were all torn                                 
And the rigging so worn,                                    
It's a wonder the thing stayed afloat.                      
                                                            
 9331 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



Sure enough, after only a week,                             
The decrepit old hulk sprang a leak.                        
But with the help of an oar,                                
They paddled ashore                                         
In a reed-strewn, muddy small creek.                        
                                                            
 9332 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



Their leader composed then a song.                          
It was short - not at all long.                             
Of five little lines                                        
Which did not all rhyme,                                    
Not realizing they had gone wrong.                          
                                                            
 9333 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



It was not a Virginian creek,                               
Not the country for which they did seek.                    
It was on Ireland's turf                                    
They stood watching the surf,                               
And not as they thought, L'Amerique.                        
                                                            
 9334 CELEBS - EXPLORERS                                      



A horny explorer named Rust                                 
Would kill just to see a bare bust;                         
He sought no new lands,                                     
'Cross hot desert sands:                                    
His problem was wandering lust.                             
                                                            
 9335 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Armand E Singer       706



An explorer named Mortimer Craft,                           
While in Africa ate spiced giraffe.                         
The effect of this food                                     
Was a sound deep and rude,                                  
And green flames that shot out fore and aft.                
                                                            
 9336 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Tom Baker           P8806



A man called Norvington Cole                                
Made a trip to Scott's hut at the Pole.                     
But when he got there                                       
The cupboard was bare,                                      
So he starved to death - poor soul.                         
                                                            
 9337 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Spike Milligan      P0110



My firm belief is, that Pizarro                             
Received education at Harrow -                              
This alone would suffice,                                   
To account for his vice,                                    
And his views superstitiously narrow.                       
                                                            
 9338 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Aldous Huxley       P8208



An old man who lived on a mount,                            
Found Ponce de Leon's fabled fount.                         
As the weather was hot,                                     
He drank more than he ought;                                
He's once again learning to count!                          
                                                            
 9339 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Jim Weaver Collection    



Sought LUCENT youth fountain for own,                       
Left no untracked plain, unturned stone;                    
Maid's peignoir he rent;                                    
Dissed signals she sent,                                    
For he was Ponce gay de Leon.                               
                                                            
 9340 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Elois                    



SACAGAWEA, lady of luck,                                    
Now your face on a gold coin is struck.                     
Though I can't find a rhyme                                 
With your name (there's no time!),                          
I can have you, you know, for a buck!                       
                                                            
 9341 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Albin Chaplin            



No one knows - but the common report is                     
That the famous adventurer Cortez                           
Was seized by the Devil                                     
In the postiens of Seville                                  
In the late fifteen hundred and forties.                    
(postiens? - not in my unabridged)                          
 9342 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Aldous Huxley       P8208



Dressed up in his doublet and house,                        
Sir Francis Drake struck a brave pose.                      
But his pose was spoiled                                    
'Cause his clothing was soiled;                             
Therefore, he was holding his nose.                         
                                                            
 9343 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Marlene Lewis            



Before Eric the Red got away                                
And long before Cristobal's day,                            
St. Brendan in green                                        
With a load of potheen                                      
Sailed a curragh as far as Cape May.                        
                                                            
 9344 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             A. N. Wilkins       P8811



"Next time," said Doctor Livingston                         
When to his side brave Stanley won,                         
"I won't get lost                                           
Next time because                                           
I'll ask three people, not just one."                       
                                                            
 9345 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Irving Superior     P8205



An intrepid explorer named Phipps,                          
On the last of her wilderness trips,                        
Knew well her location                                      
But died of starvation,                                     
For she had not EPIRB, just a GPS.                          
(EPIRB - electronic position-indicating radio beacon)       
 9346 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Jim Shilliday            



He said, "Though my theory is freaky,                       
To show that the folks of Tahiti                            
Could have rafted on through                                
From the shores of Peru,                                    
I'll do it myself, on Kon-tiki."                            
                                                            
 9347 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Dr Limerick              



The notorious Vasco da Gama                                 
Possessed a one-legged pajama,                              
Which was recently found                                    
In a hole in the ground                                     
In the center of North Alabama.                             
(Alabama doesn't have a north - McW)                        
 9348 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Aldous Huxley       P8208



An old flyer with genital twitch                            
Paid a bimbo to relieve his itch.                           
As one tit slipped out                                      
Of her black bra -- his shout!                              
"Wiley Post, you old son of a bitch!"                       
                                                            
 9349 CELEBS - EXPLORERS             Martin Wellborn     P9008



The memories held by a sailor                               
Of fucking, grew steadily staler.                           
With years on the briny,                                    
Without gals or wine, he                                    
At last fell for Ahab the Whaler.                           
                                                            
 9350 CELEBS - FICTION               Norm Storer         P9407



When I am in search of diversion,                           
I'll often buy any Mad version                              
With Alfred E Newman,                                       
The big grinnin' human;                                     
To read him, I never need urgin'.                           
                                                            
 9351 CELEBS - FICTION               Gary Hallock             



By the Nijni-Novgorod train                                 
Was Anna Karenina slain.                                    
I'm always inclined                                         
To keep clear of that line,                                 
Or better still, travel by pane.                            
                                                            
 9352 CELEBS - FICTION               F. L. Jukes         P9802



Nephew Patrick could hardly be blamed                       
And he never once did feel ashamed.                         
After he had matured,                                       
For them both love endured.                                 
He was thrilled to have been Auntie Mame'd.                 
                                                            
 9353 CELEBS - FICTION               Loren Fitzhugh           



In old Rome, it created a stir                              
Of excitement and a buzzing whir,                           
When out of a galley                                        
A slave hero did sally                                      
And he changed from Ben Him to Ben Her.                     
                                                            
 9354 CELEBS - FICTION               Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



The soul of discretion is Jeeves;                           
So trusting young Bertie believes.                          
Quite deaf to the snapping                                  
Of shutters and crapping                                    
Of birds, by the way, in the eaves.                         
                                                            
 9355 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



Cyrano, of the very large nose,                             
Was asked more than once I suppose,                         
If on his projection,                                       
The birds with affection,                                   
Roosted when the day starts to close.                       
                                                            
 9356 CELEBS - FICTION               Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



Cyrano carried his flower,                                  
To the very tip top of his tower.                           
At the height of her dizziness,                             
Stuck his nose in her business,                             
And deflowered her, all in an hour.                         
                                                            
 9357 CELEBS - FICTION               Pierce Evans             



A Wild West guy everyone knew                               
Was Dangerous Dan McGrew,                                   
But it's just come to light                                 
That he cross-dressed at night,                             
And was really old two-dollar Lou.                          
                                                            
 9358 CELEBS - FICTION               Theo M. Heller      P9509



Don Quixote, idealist man,                                  
Attacked frontally, but sometimes ran.                      
Charging off at a canter,                                   
He'd avoid "The Enchanter"                                  
And tilt with Lady Windemere's Fan.                         
                                                            
 9359 CELEBS - FICTION               L C Fitzhugh        P0111



Our Elsie, a feminist now,                                  
Provoked in the DOVECOTE, a row.                            
Her wages so high,                                          
It made the bull cry,                                       
And all their machismo did cow.                             
                                                            
 9360 CELEBS - FICTION               Elois                    



Elsie, famed for milk and butter,                           
Set her barn DOVECOTE a-flutter,                            
When seen on TV,                                            
Despite pedigree,                                           
With discreet pasties on her udder.                         
                                                            
 9361 CELEBS - FICTION               Chris Papa               



Elwood Dowd, a strange duck and effete,                     
Not one task did he ever complete.                          
As he drank to excess,                                      
He live in a blurred mess,                                  
With his whole life spent on Queasy Street.                 
(hero of the play "Harvey")                                 
 9362 CELEBS - FICTION               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9612



I am not one of those chumps,                               
Who agrees with that theory of Gump's.                      
He says it's "chocklit"                                     
And I say "a crock", it                                     
Is just a box full of brown lumps.                          
                                                            
 9363 CELEBS - FICTION               Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Jonathan Swift wasn't bright;                           
He made pate from seabirds at night.                        
But ain't pate de foie                                      
Made from goose livers, ja?                                 
Not from Gull-liver's; isn't that right?                    
                                                            
 9364 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



A water boy named Gunga Din,                                
Always wore not much more that his skin.                    
Such a costume lacked class,                                
But on meeting a lass,                                      
He was able, at once, to plunge in.                         
                                                            
 9365 CELEBS - FICTION               Isaac Asimov             



A young Hindu maid from Tujunga                             
Said to her friend, "Cowabunga!                             
Rock music I hear                                           
So deafens my ear,                                          
That the Din I prefer would be Gunga.                       
                                                            
 9366 CELEBS - FICTION               Macsam                   



There once was a lady, Clarice,                             
From the Bureau was given release.                          
So Hannibal Lecter                                          
Obligingly fecked 'er,                                      
After serving up brains for a feast.                        
                                                            
 9367 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



The Hardy Boys, on an adventure,                            
Encountered a willing young wench.  Her                     
Lust they aroused,                                          
But they stuck to their vows,                               
To rely on each other for pleasure.                         
                                                            
 9368 CELEBS - FICTION               Jim Weaver Collection    



The Hardy Boys, on an adventure,                            
Discovered someone had a chipped denture.                   
The clues all led                                           
To Nancy Drew's bed,                                        
Where she ground down their dicks for good measure.         
                                                            
 9369 CELEBS - FICTION               Limberick                



The Hardy Boys, on an adventure,                            
Needed to cash in a debenture.                              
You see, they were sued                                     
For spying all nude                                         
And for beating their meat without censure!                 
                                                            
 9370 CELEBS - FICTION               Magunda                  



The Hardy Boys, on an adventure,                            
Returned to a fury of censure!                              
They'd bragged, you see,                                    
About sex in a tree,                                        
As one straightened his removable denture.                  
                                                            
 9371 CELEBS - FICTION               Jim Weaver Collection    



The captain himself was a goer,                             
He'd suck off the lads from the lower                       
Decks, in sex games,                                        
Which earned him the name                                   
Of Captain Horatio Hornblower.                              
                                                            
 9372 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



Oh, don't feel so sad for Horatio;                          
They make fun of his name every place he go.                
"With a name such as mine,                                  
There's but one word to rhyme,                              
And it's not one that any of us would know!                 
                                                            
 9373 CELEBS - FICTION               Juliet                   



Whilst Hornblower's fortunes have risen,                    
And the good luck all seems to be his'n,                    
I get bonked on the head,                                   
And then left for dead,                                     
And wind up in some Spanish prison!                         
                                                            
 9374 CELEBS - FICTION               Juliet                   



I truly do think it's the pits                              
That just because I'm prone to fits,                        
Instead of promotion                                        
I'm adrift on the ocean,                                    
An Horatio gets the prize ships.                            
                                                            
 9375 CELEBS - FICTION               Juliet                   



Captain Sawyer was nuts, no disputin',                      
And Horatio had the solution.                               
So please tell me why                                       
Do I get to die,                                            
And Hornblower gets "Retribution?"                          
                                                            
 9376 CELEBS - FICTION               Juliet                   



The men enjoyed life on the "Indy",                         
Except for the times it got windy.                          
They knew not to linger                                     
When Styles said, "Pull my finger!"                         
They'd hasten to leave the vicindy!                         
                                                            
 9377 CELEBS - FICTION               Juliet                   



Said Horatio, "I've heard the reports,                      
And I feel I must really retort.                            
It is not, as they sang,                                    
That I was born to hang;                                    
I just need some well fitting shorts!"                      
                                                            
 9378 CELEBS - FICTION               Juliet                   



Of late Mr. Indiana Jones                                   
Has taken to dating old crones.                             
When the park's in the dark,                                
She can raid his lost ark,                                  
But he seems to be after her bones.                         
                                                            
 9379 CELEBS - FICTION               Neal Wilgus         P8305



Your wit reminds of Clouseau,                               
A gendarme of calamity, though                              
He oft found a broom                                        
Thrown into the room                                        
While Cato delivered his blow.                              
                                                            
 9380 CELEBS - FICTION               Jim Weaver Collection    



Said an analyst working in Dallas,                          
"It was merely neurotic malice                              
That made J. R. Ewing                                       
Redouble his screwing--                                     
The man fell in love with his phallus."                     
                                                            
 9381 CELEBS - FICTION               Norm Storer         P9201



They spotted Jan Brinker on his bike,                       
Wrestling against elements, on the dike.                    
"Where are you going to, lad?"                              
He was supposed to have said:                               
"Must lend a finger to an leaky dyke."                      
                                                            
 9382 CELEBS - FICTION               Dirruk                   



Inside Jeckyl, Hyde would hide.                             
One drink and then outside Hyde hied.                       
A schizophrenic break!                                      
One drink was all he'd take.                                
One drink and Doctor Jeckyl high'd.                         
                                                            
 9383 CELEBS - FICTION               Irving Superior     P8403



A doctor named Jekyll aned Hyde                             
Was a bigamist, no one denied.                              
He married and then                                         
He married again,                                           
"'Cause I'm really two people!" he cried.                   
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
 9384 CELEBS - FICTION               Betty Jochmans      P9108



The thing that annoys me with Jeeves                        
Is the effortless way he achieves.                          
He'll gaze in derish                                        
At the full soup and fish                                   
And remark, "But the sleeves, sir -- the sleeves!"          
                                                            
 9385 CELEBS - FICTION               B. M. Coates        P9802



The gentleman's gentleman, Jeeves                           
Had a very great number of peeves.                          
He hated all socks                                          
With lavender clocks.                                       
He said that they gave him the heaves.                      
                                                            
 9386 CELEBS - FICTION               Thomas A Ratliff    P0307



There once was John Carter of Mars,                         
Who along with his green friend named Tars,                 
Saved a Princess so fine,                                   
That Jeddaks did line                                       
Helium's halls to gift her with stars.                      
                                                            
 9387 CELEBS - FICTION               Anon                     



Sword-wielding mighty John Carter                           
Is expert with hot steely carvers.                          
Several Millions have died                                  
'Cause he cut swings so wide,                               
When someone peeks at Dee's garter.                         
                                                            
 9388 CELEBS - FICTION               Anon                     



The bristly Barsoomian swine                                
Must be soaked overnight in strong brine,                   
Then slow roasted 'til dead,                                
And served sliced, on dark bread                            
With a dry red Dusarian wine.                               
                                                            
 9389 CELEBS - FICTION               Anon                     



Alone and friendless on Barsoom,                            
John Carter nearly met his doom.                            
Big Woola was his friend                                    
Saved his bacon in the end,                                 
Then got sent way back to his room.                         
                                                            
 9390 CELEBS - FICTION               Anon                     



There once was a gameskeeper who,                           
As soon as his day's work was through,                      
Would barriers cross                                        
To visit his boss.                                          
Then he and the lady would screw.                           
                                                            
 9391 CELEBS - FICTION               Irving Superior     P9511



Reminds me of Miniver Cheevy;                               
Born too late was the chap, I believe, he                   
Kept scratching his head                                    
And drinking, it's said,                                    
'Til he walked with a gait that was weavy.                  
                                                            
 9392 CELEBS - FICTION               Hugh Clary               



And from what I recall of the story,                        
I suspect that he knew Richard Cory,                        
A gent of renown,                                           
From his sole to his crown                                  
Which a bullet had left rather gory.                        
                                                            
 9393 CELEBS - FICTION               Hugh Clary               



Philip Nolan unmercifully floated                           
On an endless voyage where it was noted:                    
Never once did Phil curse                                   
The U.S., and what's worse,                                 
By the media he'd been misquoted.                           
                                                            
 9394 CELEBS - FICTION               Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



Miss Woodhouse was clever and sprightly,                    
But she tended to take life too lightly.                    
Her ill-natured fun                                         
Had Miss Bates on the run,                                  
And angered her dear Mr. Knightly.                          
                                                            
 9395 CELEBS - FICTION               J Woodhead         P9802 



I have ventured on insult before,                           
And on this one I heaped it galore.                         
But I'd never decline                                       
A quaff of his wine,                                        
In the vault of that chump, Montresor.                      
                                                            
 9396 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



You unfortunate fool, Fortunato.                            
You drank in my grotto til blotto,                          
And then that brief halt                                    
In that nitred old vault --                                 
I just loved your staccato vibrato.                         
                                                            
 9397 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



A zillion high-schoolers and me                             
All read "The Old Man and the Sea."                         
The old man with the scythe                                 
Spared the Old Man's life                                   
'Til yesterday, incredibly.                                 
                                                            
 9398 CELEBS - FICTION               Dr Limerick  01-13-02    



A neurotic young chopcock, Portnoy,                         
Said, "I never screw Jews, just the goy.                    
And a slice of raw liver,                                   
Makes my weenie just quiver,                                
What a fabulous, best-selling joy!"                         
                                                            
 9399 CELEBS - FICTION                                   G2188



The Gypsy they called Esmerelda                             
When first Quasimodo beheld her,                            
And asked her to lunch,                                     
He thought, "I've a hunch,                                  
My boldness perhaps has repelled her."                      
                                                            
 9400 CELEBS - FICTION               Irving Superior     P9307



V Hugo told the ancient story                               
Of violence and blood, grim and gory;                       
It described how old Quasi                                  
Was tortured by POSSE                                       
Made up of Parisian signori.                                
                                                            
 9401 CELEBS - FICTION               Chris Papa               



In my hotel near Arc de Triomphe,                           
From the bedroom next door came a thump,                    
Then the sound of a belle                                   
Shouting, "Do me like hell!"                                
Quasimodo was having a hump.                                
                                                            
 9402 CELEBS - FICTION               Peter Wilkins            



Quasimodo was hurting a bunch;                              
Saw the Doctor for his spine had gone crunch.               
"Something's wrong with your back."                         
"Doc, what makes you say that?"                             
The physician replied, "Just a hunch."                      
                                                            
 9403 CELEBS - FICTION               Kirk Miller              



Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm                                  
Was fearful and filled with alarm.                          
An amorous bull                                             
Could be quite painful,                                     
But Ferdinand meant her no harm.                            
                                                            
 9404 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



Young Robinson Crusoe's main quirk                          
Was to fuck with a sheep or to jerk.                        
But he'd faithfully heed                                    
The skilled labor creed,                                    
And on Friday he never did work.                            
                                                            
 9405 CELEBS - FICTION               Al Chaplin          P9408



With a non-ending throb in his diedy,                       
The cast-away swallowed his pride. He                       
Wished to screw, so                                         
That Robinson Crusoe                                        
Resolved to have sex just on Friday.                        
                                                            
 9406 CELEBS - FICTION               Bob Giandomenico    P9103



A tidbit on Robinson Crusoe.                                
Marooned, with a sex life askew, so                         
When Friday he found,                                       
He turned him around                                        
And that's when he learned how to screw so.                 
                                                            
 9407 CELEBS - FICTION               Irving Superior          



Doing well in divinity                                      
Got Hester A+ not a B.                                      
Though the letter was made                                  
Of a scarlet brocade,                                       
What a price for her lost virginity.                        
                                                            
 9408 CELEBS - FICTION               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9612



A fopish young Briton, Sir Percy,                           
By day avoids all controversy.                              
By night his agility                                        
Saves French nobility --                                    
In breathtaking missions of mercy.                          
                                                            
 9409 CELEBS - FICTION               Arthur Deex         P8407



Marianne's mental agility                                   
Did not equal her sister's ability;                         
But though lackin in sense,                                 
She had recompense --                                       
She licked her in sheer sensibility.                        
                                                            
 9410 CELEBS - FICTION               F. L. Jakes         P9802



We all know that old Simon Legree's                         
The number-one villainous Sleeze-                           
Ball who murders poor Tom,                                  
But, please, tell me -- how come                            
People say it's Legree 'Liza flees?                         
                                                            
 9411 CELEBS - FICTION               Robin K. Willoughby P8411



I really wish I had great powers;                           
On current laws I'd golden shower.                          
A villian I'd be                                            
On a murderous spree,                                       
And rape innocent girls for hours.                          
                                                            
 9412 CELEBS - FICTION                                        



As from the tumbrils they are led,                          
Brave Sydney Carlton gamely said                            
To the seamstress, "Dear,                                   
The end is almost here.                                     
Be brave. And Dear, hold high your head."                   
                                                            
 9413 CELEBS - FICTION               Irving Superior     P9511



And the seamstress answered Syd,                            
"I know how brave the deed you did.                         
For someone else's wife                                     
You're giving up life."                                     
Then on her face a smile she hid.                           
(Nine months from now we'll have a kid.)                    
 9414 CELEBS - FICTION               Irving Superior     P9511



There once was a handsome immortal                          
Who smiled as he said with a chortle,                       
"I'll sheath your sword                                     
Where 'twill never be bored,                                
Right in my very own portal!"                               
                                                            
 9415 CELEBS - FICTION               Karen Droms              



There was a lad, Wally Cleaver,                             
Who was quite the penis receiver.                           
He'd bend over for Ward                                     
And accept daddy's sword,                                   
And in evenings, he'd bugger the Beaver.                    
                                                            
 9416 CELEBS - FICTION               Jim Weaver Collection    



That "Secret life of Walter Mitty"                          
Was all just pretend -- what a pity.                        
He'd suck on a squash                                       
While thinking, "By gosh!                                   
This girl has a double-D titty.                             
                                                            
 9417 CELEBS - FICTION               Travis Brasell           



He once stuck his hand in his pocket,                       
Pretending he'd just touched a rocket.                      
He said, "It will blast                                     
Off into space fast,                                        
Then find a spacegirl who will focket."                     
                                                            
 9418 CELEBS - FICTION               Travis Brasell           



Eb Scrooge was a stock trader bold,                         
Commodities bought, hedged and sold.                        
So much was his passion                                     
For raking the cash in,                                     
That man never noticed the cold.                            
                                                            
 9419 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



Our Ebbie employed a PA,                                    
"Now please sir, I really can't stay."                      
Said young Bobbie Cratchet,                                 
"Pneumonia, I'll catch it,                                  
If I'm in this icebox all day."                             
                                                            
 9420 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



"I can't put more fuel on the fire.                         
Coal futures are going to go higher.                        
Now ring up my broker,                                      
And tell that old joker,                                    
I want 15k Goodyear Tyre."                                  
                                                            
 9421 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



Now Bobs wouldn't be quite so chilly,                       
Were she wearing more clothes, but the silly                
Bitch wore a dress,                                         
Silk, low cut to impress...                                 
She fancied old Scrooge, did this filly.                    
                                                            
 9422 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



She'd worked there for almost a year,                       
And though she had wiggled her rear,                        
And thrust out her bust,                                    
Old 'Neezer he just                                         
Kept working... Perhaps he's a queer.                       
                                                            
 9423 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



But Christmas time's coming up now,                         
The Nikkei, the FTSE, the Dow,                              
Are all winding down,                                       
And old Scrooge looks around,                               
Spies Bobbie, thinks "What will she allow?"                 
                                                            
 9424 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



The last futures contract expires,                          
The data flow slows on the wires,                           
And he smells her perfume,                                  
In his dark stuffy room,                                    
Awakening latent desires.                                   
                                                            
 9425 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



She flashes her eyes, Ebeneezer                             
Goes forward, and makes as to seize her,                    
But she plays hard to get,                                  
And he ain't caught her yet,                                
That gal is a proper prick teaser.                          
                                                            
 9426 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



He chases her round that caboose,                           
Trying to get buttons loose,                                
They chase up the stair,                                    
And they start to strip bare,                               
And Scrooge gives our Bobbie a goose.                       
                                                            
 9427 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



Well, Dickens, of course leaves it there...                 
But I hear you shout, "Ogg take care!                       
What 'bout the ghosts,                                      
Of the tale that's the most                                 
Exciting." " Well my dears, let's be fair...                
                                                            
 9428 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



That Charles Dickens' wife had a kink,                      
And preached of the evils of drink;                         
Wine, whisky or beer,                                       
She'd not have it near,                                     
And tipped the whole lot down the sink.                     
                                                            
 9429 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



So rather than weep and bewail,                             
He scribbled this tiresome  tale,                           
Where ghosts interceded,                                    
Showing spirits were needed                                 
To put Scrooge upon the right trail.                        
                                                            
 9430 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



Bobs stepped back and looked down at him,                   
"Hey Ebbie, where's your Tiny Tim?                          
He's more like Big Ben,                                     
I've had many men,                                          
But none with so splendid a limb."                          
                                                            
 9431 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



They make love 'til dawn is a-breaking,                     
And certainly neither is faking                             
Those orgasmic squeals,                                     
That they utter in peals...                                 
But wait, no precautions he's taking.                       
                                                            
 9432 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



He says: "I used no rubber suit, you're                     
Probably pregnant.  Though cute, you're                     
Going to swell,                                             
And all being well,                                         
Produce a Bill Gates of the future."                        
                                                            
 9433 CELEBS - FICTION - SCROOGE                              



"The sad death of Elizabeth Motson                          
Came about when she gargled with pot, son."                 
"But, how, Holmes, could you tell?,                         
You weren't there when she fell."                           
"Alimentary, dear Dr Watson."                               
                                                            
 9434 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    New Mellinnium Lims P0212



There's a story of A. Conan Doyle's                         
Where crooks blew up hollow gargoyles.                      
They increased the P                                        
While at constant V,                                        
And Holmes solved the crime using Boyle's.                  
                                                            
 9435 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"Come, Watson, man," Sherlock Holmes calls.                 
"Get your head up, let go of my balls.                      
We've each had good head,                                   
Now get out of bed,                                         
We're going to Baskerville Hall."                           
                                                            
 9436 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



For since the old lord had his spill                        
Off his horse last week, Lady Baskerville                   
Has been so frustrated,                                     
And has not hesitated,                                      
To grab any cock that will thrill.                          
                                                            
 9437 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



On the train they set for Devonshire,                       
On the quest for some sport, straight or queer.             
And they both raised their caps,                            
Which they'd put in their laps,                             
When any young lady came near.                              
                                                            
 9438 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



When they got off at Okehampton Junction.                   
The ticket-man bowed with great unction,                    
So they tipped him a note,                                  
Grabbed the man by the scrote,                              
And performed an unnatural function.                        
                                                            
 9439 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



At the mansion, the lady's maid, Hannah,                    
Was greeting them in formal manner,                         
When Holmes zipped his fly,                                 
And she did espy,                                           
That sex-crazed sleuth's scar-spangled banner.              
                                                            
 9440 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



They stood by the door, which was yellow,                   
And Sherlock murmured quite mellow,                         
(Now you all know the joke,                                 
So be ye upspoke,)                                          
"A lemon entry, Watson, dear fellow!"                       
                                                            
 9441 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"Where's your mistress, girl," Watson now cried,            
The moment they all got inside.                             
"In her chamber, kind sir."                                 
"OK Holmes, I'll find her,                                  
While you take this lass for a ride."                       
                                                            
 9442 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



So Holmes took himself to the pantry,                       
And surrounded by jars condimentary,                        
He boffed all the maids,                                    
And between, made quick raids,                              
On the food stocks, "It's quite alimentary!"                
                                                            
 9443 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



When he'd finished, he searched out Lord B.,                
Who'd a bag where his willy should be.                      
"Since I had that damned fall,                              
I've been no good at all                                    
In bed, Holmes, and that is the mystery."                   
                                                            
 9444 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"What's keeping my wife satisfied,                          
Now this todger of mine has gone, died?                     
With your sleuthing powers                                  
In a couple of hours,                                       
You should sort out what's me mystified."                   
                                                            
 9445 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"With that, Lord, I have to concur.                         
I'll make notes, and to them I'll refer.                    
From the names I will whit-                                 
tle down those that don't fit...                            
It's eliminatory, sir."                                     
                                                            
 9446 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"There's a photo I'd like you to see,"                      
Said Watson,"Of our Lady B."                                
Said Holmes, "She's high class,                             
But look at that ass...                                     
It's quite elephantory, see."                               
                                                            
 9447 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"Now this problem I feel I must ponder.                     
So we'll go to that whore-house down yonder.                
For a quim, juicy, pink,                                    
Helps a fellow to think.                                    
There's nothing of which I am fonder."                      
                                                            
 9448 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



So Sherlock went boffing a whore.                           
He worked till his 'brain' was so sore.                     
"It's no good, I'm through.                                 
I've not got a clue."                                       
So he paid up and limped to the door.                       
                                                            
 9449 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"But Holmes, I've not said what I found,                    
When I met Lady B, it astound-                              
ed me, but her muff,                                        
Was in use right enough,                                    
In the grip of an Irish wolfhound."                         
                                                            
 9450 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"Oh Watson, but I should have known!                        
Last night when I gave her a bone,                          
I caught me some fleas,                                     
Canine type, if you please.                                 
I must be as dense as a stone."                             
                                                            
 9451 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"If you study the flea-dirt you can,                        
With a microscope get a good scan,                          
And this bit of bug shit                                    
Is the answer to it,                                        
It's quite sedimentary, old man."                           
                                                            
 9452 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK                             



"My dear Watson, thank God you are tough.                   
Yes, a grain would have been quite enough!                  
I shall never forgive                                       
For as long as I live,                                      
That for one trip, I burned all the stuff."                 
                                                            
 9453 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman and M Stampe    



When the hall and the living room stink,                    
It can drive Mrs Hudson to drink.                           
In a liquorish fit,                                         
She will throw all his shit                                 
And the chemicals out in the sink!                          
                                                            
 9454 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman and M Stampe    



"Never trust them, I said from the start!                   
The best of them -- mind rules the heart!                   
I confess that Irene                                        
Is the fairest I've seen,                                   
But she won -- so I'll just speak of art."                  
                                                            
 9455 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman and M Stampe    



Watson started and cried, "It's a hound!                    
How, out on the moor, is it found?"                         
Sherlock said, "I am sure                                   
We could follow the spoor                                   
Or the crap that it left on the ground."                    
                                                            
 9456 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



Said John Watson, "You'd think that my fame                 
As an author, who writes of The Game,                       
Would ensure a good life,                                   
Yet I don't know which wife                                 
Is the one who forgets my first name!"                      
                                                            
 9457 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



"Here's a strange case," said Watson to Holmes.             
"Outside there are two garden gnomes.                       
One's lost his wee rod,                                     
And the other poor sod                                      
Has been sat on by Nicholas Soames."                        
                                                            
 9458 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Bill Wall                



When Milverton's house we had fled,                         
"How come you're so fit, Holmes?", I said.                  
"Dear Agatha showed me                                      
The safe and allowed me                                     
To search for the key in her bed."                          
                                                            
 9459 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



"That man, Holmes," said Lestrade to a clerk,               
"With his methods -- my eye -- he's a jerk!                 
Though he thinks me a fool,                                 
He is really my tool.                                       
I get credit while he does the work!"                       
                                                            
 9460 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



A fellow by name of Escott                                  
Went a-plumbing although he was not.                        
He engaged a housemaid                                      
And wound up getting laid,                                  
Which is better than Milverton -- Shot!                     
                                                            
 9461 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



Holmes drew on his pipe, with great suction.                
"You want me to give you instruction,                       
And show you the action                                     
Of simple subtraction?                                      
The master I am of deduction."                              
                                                            
 9462 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Tiddy                    



And now to les Frere Moriarty;                              
Their dad was not really a smarty.                          
He ran out of names,                                        
Then called them all James,                                 
And they were a devilish party.                             
                                                            
 9463 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



Sherlock Holmes, the clever beguiler,                       
Was spectacular, no rank and filer.                         
Using logic deductive,                                      
He's deemed the productive,                                 
Prototypical primo profiler.                                
                                                            
 9464 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    L C Fitz            P0209



Here are Redhead and Stackhurst with flowers,               
A Sherlockian bouquet of ours.                              
So be huffy or pleased,                                     
Laugh or cry, but at least                                  
We had fun and some jolly good hours.                       
                                                            
 9465 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman and M Stampe    



Moriarty, quite content in Hell,                            
Saw that Holmes was there too, and said: "Well?"            
Holmes said to him "Nay,                                    
I'm just on holiday!"                                       
And returned to his earthly hotel.                          
                                                            
 9466 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman and M Stampe    



When Milverton's house we had fled,                         
"How come you're so fit, Holmes?" I said.                   
"Dear Agatha showed me                                      
The safe and allowed me                                     
To search for the key in her bed."                          
                                                            
 9467 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman and M Stampe    



"Sherlock Holmes," he asked, "is there a way,               
Before the accused gets away,                               
Not to give him a rest                                      
But to make an arrest                                       
Before the ship's anchor's aweigh?"                         
                                                            
 9468 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    A. N. Wilkins       P9112



Some low cad goosed the Queen, but alas                     
Sherlock Holmes, the detective first class                  
In almost no time                                           
Solved the heinous crime,                                   
From cigar ash left on the royal ass.                       
                                                            
 9469 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Michael Weinstein   P8308



Holmes mused, scratched his balls, cried "Alas!             
The poor girl was had up the ass                            
By a lawn-mowing crew                                       
Who did her when through...                                 
I've probed and I've found clue de grass..."                
                                                            
 9470 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Jim Weaver Collection    



"Sherlock Holmes, I can hardly keep raising,"               
Said an income tax agent named Blazing,                     
"A point which concerns                                     
Your recent returns.                                        
Your deductions are simply amazing."                        
                                                            
 9471 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    A. N. Wilkins       P8501



"Quick, Watson, the needle!" Holmes cried.                  
"I'm the doctor," I said, "I decide...                      
As I thought -- indigestion."                               
"How so?" was the question.                                 
"Alimentary, Holmes," I replied.                            
                                                            
 9472 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    B. M. Coates        P9802



"Make a note, Watson," Holmes said with a smile,            
And returned to Baker Street after a while.                 
Another who-done-it;                                        
Sherlock will not shun it.                                  
He's devoted to catching England's most vile.               
                                                            
 9473 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Karen Debbie             



Said Watson to Holmes, "Is it wise,                         
Such false whiskers when hunting for spies."                
Said the sleuth, "I'm afraid                                
You're as dense as Lestrade.                                
I'm disguised as myself in disguise."                       
                                                            
 9474 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Punch 21 Nov 1951   P8309



A noted detective named Holmes,                             
The subject of many fine tomes,                             
Runs down wanted crooks                                     
In all the dark nooks                                       
From Soho to London's high domes.                           
                                                            
 9475 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Ed Wolfert          P8407



The foot-print of a giant hound                             
Caused Dartmoor to go round and round.                      
Then Sherlock got a call                                    
From Baskerville Hall,                                      
And soon brought the culprits to ground.                    
                                                            
 9476 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Ed Wolfert          P8307



The Baskerville hounds always run                           
On the moors at the dark of the sun.                        
The peasants assume                                         
It fortells certain doom;                                   
But it's bitches in heat and for fun.                       
                                                            
 9477 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Arthur Deex         P8307



"Smoke!" bellowed Watson, "And fire!                        
We are doomed and about to expire!"                         
"I'm just smoking my opium;                                 
Leastwise I just 'ope I am",                                
Holmes said while puffing his briar.                        
                                                            
 9478 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Peter Wilkins            



Holmes and Watson, while hot on the scent,                  
Spent an evening afield in a tent.                          
The joke is ubiquitous,                                     
The reactions iniquitous;                                   
'Tis best that is goes out of print.                        
                                                            
 9479 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman and M Stampe    



Holmes and Watson, while hot on the scent,                  
Spent an evening afield in a tent.                          
The joke is ubiquitous,                                     
The reactions, iniquitous;                                  
'Tis best that it goes out of print.                        
                                                            
 9480 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



When Sherlock had nothing to do,                            
He always felt bored and quite blue.                        
So he played violin                                         
And injected cocaine,                                       
Which gave Dr Watson the clue.                              
                                                            
 9481 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    Anon                     



Stackhurst and her pal the Red                              
Headed League, while you all were in bed,                   
Have committed a crime                                      
In Sherlockian rhyme,                                       
And are posting it here to be read.                         
                                                            
 9482 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    N Beiman & M Stampe      



"I admit," said the famous detective,                       
"I'm not awways cool and objective.                         
I considere the lawful                                      
Police methods awful;                                       
In my work, I am therefore selective."                      
                                                            
 9483 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



"Help me, Holmes," said dear sweet Adeline.                 
"Not tonight.  I have two cases in line.                    
Dear Watson, my pal,                                        
Try to cheer up the gal,                                    
But be back before breakfast at nine."                      
                                                            
 9484 CELEBS - FICTION - SHERLOCK    M Reiman & M Stampe      



Now Tarzan has Cheetah and Jane                             
To ease both his ennui and pain.                            
But Boy's got a nanny                                       
With such a taught fanny,                                   
He'll never play shepherd again.                            
                                                            
 9485 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



Your Tarzan could cause me to swoon;                        
To girls in the jungle a boon.                              
He swings into camp;                                        
The girls all get damp.                                     
From what jungle vine was he hewn?                          
                                                            
 9486 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



That Belgian detective Poirot                               
Was au fait with Miss Marple you know;                      
Although Agatha Christie                                    
Was sure they hadn't kissed, he                             
Met Jane for a regular hoe.                                 
                                                            
 9487 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



Many things grow up in the wild,                            
Like Tarzan himself as a child.                             
He was raised by apes                                       
And he lived on grapes,                                     
That nature there readily piled.                            
                                                            
 9488 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



Then Tarzan would swing from the vine,                      
As free as a bird so divine.                                
Dives into a stream                                         
He drinks, it would seem.                                   
He does not know how to make wine.                          
                                                            
 9489 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



Through the tree tops young Tarzan was toiling,             
His dick round the boughs was a-coiling;                    
Then he spotted Jane's nips,                                
It went rigid, lost grip,                                   
And soon to the ground he was foilling.                     
                                                            
 9490 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



As he swings through the trees with no fear,                
Grabbing fruits from the trees swinging near,               
The dung-beetles below                                      
Sing his praise when he blows                               
'Cause he's got terrible diarrhea.                          
                                                            
 9491 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



Munching angrily on a Chiquita,                             
Looks like Jane's one pissed-off senorita.                  
Found a loincloth or three                                  
Up some blonde mimbo's tree;                                
So her swinger, it seems, is a cheetah!                     
                                                            
 9492 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Larry Hollister          



My loin cloth is sturdy but thin                            
And covers the beastie within.                              
It cannot be tamed                                          
And it's very well famed,                                   
For leading young girls into sin.                           
                                                            
 9493 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



"With muscles so ripplingly thick,                          
I'll lift you from the ground with my prick,                
Spin you round on my trunk,                                 
Fill you full of hot spunk,                                 
'Til you're dizzy ! Try not to be sick !"                   
                                                            
 9494 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



"Yes I stand 6' 2" in my socks;                             
Golden tanned with my long flowing locks.                   
Of all beasts I am King!"                                   
("By the way just one thing...                              
At the weekends I like to wear frocks.)                     
                                                            
 9495 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



The ever amazing Tarzan                                     
Is this woman's kind of a man!                              
He struts with panache,                                     
Has no clothes to wash,                                     
And he does not even own a dishpan.                         
                                                            
 9496 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



"Me Tarzan."  "I know," giggled Jane,                       
While sipping a glass of champagne;                         
Her top all askew                                           
With her nipples on view,                                   
And her pants all damp with the rain...                     
                                                            
 9497 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Peter Wilkins            



"Me Tarzan."  She giggled again,                            
Her top giving way to the strain.                           
While slowly removing                                       
Her panties and proving                                     
The damp wasn't caused by the rain...                       
                                                            
 9498 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Peter Wilkins            



"Me...Jeesus!" gulped Tarzan in awe.                        
His loin-cloth effective no more                            
At keeping thing hidden,                                    
But sadly, unbidden,                                        
Shot all of his load on the floor...                        
                                                            
 9499 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Peter Wilkins            



As Tarzan, embarrassed, went limp,                          
Jane giggled and called him a wimp.                         
"Pathetic!" she cried,                                      
As she watched it subside.                                  
"I'd be far better off with the chimp."                     
                                                            
 9500 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Peter Wilkins            



I recall a young woman named Jane                           
Who's ideals made romance such a pain,                      
That the ape-man was lost                                   
And we all knew the cost                                    
Would be nearly as much as the gain.                        
                                                            
 9501 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Anon                     



Young Tarzan in leopard-skin thong,                         
Never falters or puts a foot wrong,                         
As he swings through the trees                              
With the greatest of ease,                                  
For his dick is prehensile and strong.                      
                                                            
 9502 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



"Hello, Tarzan! Me Jane; that's my name";                   
Tarzan stops, looks and thinks: what's her game?            
"You, gorilla my dreams:                                    
What's your whole name?" he screams;                        
"Hole named "Cunt"!  It's aflame!  How's your aim?"         
                                                            
 9503 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



He spends the day swinging in trees                         
And his loincloth flaps in the breeze.                      
He shows what he's got.                                     
We women get hot                                            
And hope that he is not a tease!                            
                                                            
 9504 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN                               



"Me Tarzan." She answers, "Me Jane."                        
"Me Tarzan" again and again.                                
"Me Jane" she replies.                                      
He looks in her eyes,                                       
"From she-apes, I'll henceforth abstain."                   
                                                            
 9505 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Irving Superior          



When Tarzan (a swinger was he)                              
Was swinging from treetop to tree,                          
The apes gathered 'round,                                   
"When Tarz reaches ground,                                  
An ape he will probably be."                                
                                                            
 9506 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Irving Superior          



My Lord and My Lady Greystoke,                              
When out in the jungle were broke.                          
So to pay for their fun,                                    
They sold their young son,                                  
To some chimps, and they thought it a joke.                 
                                                            
 9507 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



Two chimps, just one pair out of many,                      
Had a baby, but of knees, there weren't any,                
So their goods they did hock,                               
And said to the doc,                                        
"Can we have two ape knees for a penny."                    
                                                            
 9508 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



Now readers, please don't get downhearted,                  
So soon though the plot we've departed,                     
For a pun quite obscure,                                    
'Less you're aged 54,                                       
And British.  So, back where we started...                  
                                                            
 9509 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



With those apes he grew up to a man,                        
Though he thought himself orang-utan,                       
As he swung from lianas,                                    
Eating nuts and bananas,                                    
And his favourite food, tarzipan.                           
                                                            
 9510 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



So it's plain he was quite a barbarian,                     
(Although, to be fair, vegetarian,)                         
And he had nights of passion,                               
With baboons, monkey-fashion,                               
Soon several his seed were a-carrying.                      
                                                            
 9511 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



What became, you may ask, of his fruit?                     
What job or profession would suit?                          
Yes you've guessed, their ambition,                         
Was to be politicians,                                      
Depriving us all of our loot.                               
                                                            
 9512 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



On this facet I'll no longer ponder,                        
Or again from the plot I will wander.                       
Where's our hero, untutored,                                
Jeez, he ought to be neutered!                              
Just look what he's doing out yonder.                       
                                                            
 9513 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



One day, in the season of rain,                             
Who should arrive but young Jane,                           
In a tee-shirt so wet                                       
That you'd think it would get,                              
Our Tarboy's dick throbbing with strain.                    
                                                            
 9514 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



"Hey Mowgli," she cries, "My name's Jane."                  
So he looks at her, thinks "Ain't she plain.                
She's no body hair,                                         
I'll keep boffing the bear,                                 
Called Baloo or Yogi whats-'is-name."                       
                                                            
 9515 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



But wait, for she shows him her charms;                     
She's French, with fine tufts under arms.                   
So he's slowly won round,                                   
And they fall to the ground,                                
Entangled in each other's arms.                             
                                                            
 9516 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



Now ain't that romantic and sweet,                          
Azul sure would find it a treat,                            
But good things don't last,                                 
He fucked hard and fast,                                    
And soon they both lay there replete.                       
                                                            
 9517 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



She says to him "Come on my son,                            
Let's take a walk down to the pond,                         
Just take a look                                            
At your face, in the brook."                                
He does, and yells "Whee, I'm a swan!"                      
                                                            
 9518 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Tiddy Ogg                



The girls in Utah call each man                             
They'd like to yen, a "Utahsan,"                            
To help explain,                                            
They add, "Me Jane,"                                        
Then watch his buttoned shirt expand.                       
                                                            
 9519 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Irving Superior     P8801



It most certainly seems very weird                          
In those films in which Tarzan appeared,                    
Where hair normally grows                                   
'Round the chin and the nose,                               
The Lord of the Apes had no beard!                          
                                                            
 9520 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Observer                 



"Tarzan, you're late. You've been where?                    
From now on be prompt, have a care.                         
Your banana stew's cold,                                    
And your lateness grows old!"                               
"Sorry Jane, it's a jungle out there!"                      
                                                            
 9521 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Jane D. Hughes      P9202



"Tarzan spoke Ape," said the elephant,                      
"And I was way out of my element,                           
When Tarzan did summon,                                     
I would come runnin',                                       
But I never knew what the fella meant."                     
                                                            
 9522 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Marty              TP9807



Given Jane and her weeakness for dopes,                     
It's with Tarzan she aptly elopes.                          
For the cherry barbarian,                                   
A bonanza ovarian                                           
(It's the quim of his simian hopes)!                        
                                                            
 9523 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



Tarzan, that bold jungle fellow,                            
Stands on a kill and he bellows.                            
Be it Numa or mice,                                         
He'll yell in a trice                                       
With a tone that is much less than mellow.                  
                                                            
 9524 CELEBS - FICTION - TARZAN      Anon                     



Cyrano had a frightful idea,                                
And he said, "Doc I really must see ya'.                    
If my nose starts to run,                                   
How will I know which one --                                
Sinusitis, or worse, gonorrhea!"                            
                                                            
 9525 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Wiley                    



That Cyrano fellow's got class,                             
And he knows how to pleasure his lass.                      
Her juice really flows                                      
When she sits on his nose,                                  
And he sticks his tongue up her ass.                        
                                                            
 9526 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Wiley                    



Yeah, Cyrano's tongue has                                   
A bit of the lovely girls ass.                              
While gently brown nosing,                                  
He is continuously hosing,                                  
The back of the horny young lass.                           
                                                            
 9527 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     John Gruber              



It's awfully quiet in here,                                 
Though rather fish-flavored, I fear.                        
I'm stuck in the tubes                                      
Of this Brobdingnag's pubes,                                
And I think now her husband draws near.                     
                                                            
 9528 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh Hell!  Now he's stuck in his knob;                      
The pressure now makes my ears throb..."                    
And that was, alas,                                         
Poor old Lemmy's last gasp;                                 
Found drowned in a giant's sperm blob.                      
                                                            
 9529 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Each night to his lab, Jeckyl hied                          
And there from the world he would hide.                     
And there he would drink,                                   
Of evil thoughts think,                                     
And soon in no time Jeckyl high-ed.                         
                                                            
 9530 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Irving Superior          



Part two of the "Jeckyl and Hyde."                          
Then out of his lab high-ed Hyde hied                       
And lurched to the street,                                  
And there he will meet                                      
A street-walking wench whom Hyde "Hi-ed".                   
                                                            
 9531 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Irving Superior          



Part three of the "Jeckyl and Hyde."                        
Her body, Hyde knew where to hide.                          
Police in despair                                           
No hide nor no hair.                                        
Hyde soaked her in formaldehyde.                            
                                                            
 9532 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Irving Superior          



Miss Marple, while looking around,                          
Whilst preparing her gardening ground,                      
Found a dead body                                           
With clothes not too shoddy.                                
Who is it?  Will the killer be found?                       
                                                            
 9533 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     C Anton                  



I invite all from our nice news-                            
Group to give us substantial clues.                         
But any solution                                            
To give us absolution                                       
Should fit with the previous views.                         
                                                            
 9534 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     C Anton                  



The body, dressed in evening wear,                          
First gave our Miss Marple a scare.                         
As she wondered who,                                        
She saw the first clue.                                     
A perfectly crafted shaped pair...                          
                                                            
 9535 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Carol                    



...Of red plastic herrings as dead                          
As the person who lay in the bed,                           
That she'd recently dug;                                    
But Miss Marple (no mug)                                    
Scratched her chin as they thoughtfully said:               
                                                            
 9536 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Peter Wilkins            



"Those earrings our poor victim wore                        
Might be a clue."  There is still more.                     
Miss Marple did cry,                                        
"Why would a guy                                            
Wear earrings that all would deplore?"                      
                                                            
 9537 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Chris                    



Then in the newspaper she read                              
Of fashion designer named Fred                              
Who was recently missing                                    
After he was found kissing                                  
The wife of his partner, in bed!                            
                                                            
 9538 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Chris Anton              



But he was both ugly and fat,                               
Not this skinny chap in the top hat.                        
And he looked very dapper.                                  
He'd been with some flapper,                                
She knew, for he gripped tightly that...                    
                                                            
 9539 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



...Small swatch of ruffled silk lace,                       
Miss Marple knew she'd seen some place.                     
Was it a shop window?                                       
Or draped on a bimbo?                                       
No!  Sticking out of the suitcase.                          
                                                            
 9540 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES     Marlene Lewis            



Musketeers or a menage a trois?                             
Pierced by swords as described by Dumas?                    
D'Artagnan will poke.                                       
Porthos' blade she will stroke.                             
Athos scores with a lubed coup de grace!                    
                                                            
 9541 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES                              



I read, going back many years,                              
A book all about those French queers.                       
They all flashed their swords,                              
For ladies at Lourdes,                                      
But I doubt if their muskets had ears.                      
                                                            
 9542 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES                              



D'Artagnan, (we thought) had it made                        
When rescuing Anne in a glade,                              
"Oh, take me!", she said,                                   
Which turned his face red                                   
And wilted his very gay blade.                              
                                                            
 9543 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES                              



Athos, with some nifty sword-play,                          
Had chased Annie's rapist away.                             
And just as he pounced,                                     
He briefly announced                                        
"My dear, this just isn't your day!"                        
                                                            
 9544 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES                              



"Poor-thos" surely felt he'd be conned                      
By Athos while at the Sorbonne.                             
He arrived truly straight,                                  
Then Ath altered his gait;                                  
Now Pathos is as gay at the dawn.                           
                                                            
 9545 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES                              



His blade tells a quite different version                   
Of what goes on 'hind Porthos' curtain.                     
With bluster and bile,                                      
It says "How I revile                                       
What I know of Porthos' perversion!"                        
                                                            
 9546 CELEBS - FICTION - ZSERIES                              



Alexander, called Nevsky, had twice                         
Seen the proud German knights.  Though their vice           
Was sneering at Knights,                                    
Who were strange by their lights,                           
They had no trouble breaking the ice.                       
                                                            
 9547 CELEBS - HISTORY               A N Wilkins         P9811



A wild man, Atilla the Hun,                                 
He raped and he pillaged for fun.                           
Atilla'd fill'er,                                           
Take all of her siller  (silver)                            
And leave with a very bad pun!                              
                                                            
 9548 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



Alexander was great when so young.                          
Ghengis Khan's deeds have also been sung,                   
But I'd find it sweet                                       
To be dropped in defeat                                     
In the arms of Atilla the Hung.                             
                                                            
 9549 CELEBS - HISTORY               Jane D. Hughes      P9204



Incorrect, though your theory's engaging.                   
Shi Huang-ti first made it for caging                       
The conquering Huns,                                        
Who were busting their buns                                 
In pursuit of a baking at Beijing.                          
                                                            
 9550 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



Cruel Attila led one heinous run.                           
To him pillaging was sport and fun.                         
With a snarl, curse, and shout,                             
He put nations to rout.                                     
It began when he first was called "Hon."                    
                                                            
 9551 CELEBS - HISTORY               Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



Casanova, while rotting in jail                             
In Venice in absence of bail,                               
Spent his days and nights writing                           
Of adventures in fighting                                   
And pleasures of searching for tail.                        
                                                            
 9552 CELEBS - HISTORY               A. N. Wilkins       P8909



A man," Casanova once said,                                 
"Doesn't need a long penis. Instead,                        
What men actually need,                                     
If they're going to succeed,                                
Is to know how to use it in bed."                           
                                                            
 9553 CELEBS - HISTORY               A. N. Wilkins       P8601



The gamesmanship of Casanova                                
At just before his passion's over,                          
He'd ask the lass, "Should he                               
Continue gushingly,                                         
Or else withdraw in case-an-ova...?"                        
                                                            
 9554 CELEBS - HISTORY               Irving Superior     P9511



"As you know, blood is thicker than water,                  
And that is, of course, what I taught her."                 
Cesare Borgia replied                                       
When asked to confide                                       
To a friend why he screwed his own daughter.                
                                                            
 9555 CELEBS - HISTORY               A. N. Wilkins       P9508



Don Juan, that great lover from Spain,                      
Makes conquests his private domain;                         
The maids he deflowers                                      
In numberless bowers,                                       
Quite rarely are heard to complain.                         
                                                            
 9556 CELEBS - HISTORY               Armand E Singer       274



The overture's over; curtain drawn.                         
He entered stage left packing brawn.                        
The maestro's upbeat,                                       
And skewered the meat                                       
Of shish kebob sausage, Don Juan.                           
                                                            
 9557 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



Don Juan, who had more than a few                           
Ladies that he liked to screw,                              
Had lived in his day                                        
In PRODIGAL way,                                            
That found him dead at twenty-two.                          
                                                            
 9558 CELEBS - HISTORY               Chris Papa               



He squandered his life, a disgrace.                         
And as he left this earthly place,                          
Still turgid, in rut,                                       
As coffin lid shut,                                         
There was yet a smile on his face.                          
                                                            
 9559 CELEBS - HISTORY               Chris Papa               



There once was a Don Juan who'd lie                         
And cause all his conquests to cry,                         
'Cause after he wooed them                                  
And thoroughly screwed them,                                
He'd zip up his fly and say "Bye"                           
                                                            
 9560 CELEBS - HISTORY               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



But one of those conquests was sly.                         
She said, "This time it's he who will cry!                  
I have syphilitic germs                                     
And herpes and worms;                                       
That's something to remember me by."                        
                                                            
 9561 CELEBS - HISTORY               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



No bigot, the hero El Cid                                   
Changed masters as he felt the need.                        
Whether caliph or king,                                     
The pay was the thing.                                      
It was booty he prized and not creed.                       
                                                            
 9562 CELEBS - HISTORY               A N Wilkins         P9811



I've been known to plead "Give me a break,                  
Please report just for accuracy's sake,                     
Farragut hadn't said                                        
All that, 'Full speed ahead,'                               
Stuff and Antoinette's speech about cake."                  
                                                            
 9563 CELEBS - HISTORY               Loren Fitzhugh           



Bitched a sassy black whore from Havana,                    
Daily forced to park Castro's banana,                       
"He's ripped hole in the tubin'                             
Of this Nubian Cuban,                                       
Plus I can't stand his beard nor his manner."               
                                                            
 9564 CELEBS - HISTORY               Armand E Singer       244



In Havana, a man in fatigues                                
Says, "Now that these Cold-War intrigues                    
Have ended, I pray                                          
That I still might play                                     
In left field for the double-A leagues.                     
                                                            
 9565 CELEBS - HISTORY               Norm Storer         P9506



In Miami a fellow named Reuben                              
Did ask of his wife, "Where have you been?"                 
"I was screwed," she did boast,                             
"While I swam off the coast,                                
By a well-known and bearded old Cuban."                     
                                                            
 9566 CELEBS - HISTORY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0752



Great men should have fame for sagacity --                  
Instead they are known for mendacity,                       
For their violent obsession,                                
For their hateful aggression,                               
And diversified forms of rapacity.                          
                                                            
 9567 CELEBS - HISTORY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2777



A young Rastafarian lassie,                                 
Who worshipped that Haile Selassie,                         
Sure wanted a grope                                         
From that old Ethiope,                                      
But her chassis, he thought far from classy.                
                                                            
 9568 CELEBS - HISTORY               Tiddy Ogg                



The dictator Haile Selassie                                 
Was being tracked by a large POSSE.                         
He hid with his harem;                                      
The girl's robes, he'd wear 'em.                            
The POSSE could not tell which was he.                      
                                                            
 9569 CELEBS - HISTORY               Gary Hallock             



He traversed the Alps with the elephants,                   
Defying the terrain and the elements.                       
Hannibal for one                                            
Had a great sense of fun                                    
And of ponderous incongruous irrelevance.                   
                                                            
 9570 CELEBS - HISTORY               Aaron Bell          P9702



Let's give it all up for Karl Marx,                         
Who wouldn't like sleeping in parks.                        
"Give the world to the proles!"                             
"Party on, you Lost Souls!"                                 
His ideas gave off lots of sparks.                          
                                                            
 9571 CELEBS - HISTORY               Anthony Basantis         



When Karl Marx was a mischievous teen,                      
He said with peculiar mien,                                 
"If it isn't material,                                      
Then it is ethereal.                                        
It ain't there, if it cannot be seen."                      
                                                            
 9572 CELEBS - HISTORY               Al Willis           P9811



Their silence has finally been broken.                      
The double-domed pundits have spoken.                       
It's certain as sin                                         
That Kurt Waldheim can't win                                
If he runs in New York or Hoboken.                          
                                                            
 9573 CELEBS - HISTORY               A. N. Wilkins       P8607



It now seems that Old Mao Zedong,                           
Like girls, especially the young.                           
When his overaged penis                                     
Wouldn't work on some Venus,                                
He'd do with his pepper-stained tongue!                     
                                                            
 9574 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



There was an old man, Nostradamus,                          
Who foresaw some things that might harm us.                 
These coming predictions                                    
Are hopefully fictions,                                     
And nothing that ought to alarm us.                         
                                                            
 9575 CELEBS - HISTORY               Richard Long             



Nostradamus predicted the end                               
Of the world and believers intend                           
To climb right to the top                                   
Of high mountains to stop                                   
It, except in the Netherlands, friend.                      
                                                            
 9576 CELEBS - HISTORY               Peter Wilkins            



There once was a mischievous hellion                        
Who bored us with words of rebellion,                       
But he's slightly deranged,                                 
'Cause times haven't changed                                
Since those of the Prince Machiavellian.                    
                                                            
 9577 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



The noble old Shah of Iran                                  
Said, "Women from courts we must ban,                       
For they haven't the clutch                                 
Or the velvety touch                                        
Of the orifice found in a man."                             
                                                            
 9578 CELEBS - HISTORY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0928



Spain's Franco, the Generalisimo,                           
Came on to his wife real fortissimo,                        
But as he neared eighty                                     
And got overweighty,                                        
His best was a weak pianissimo.                             
                                                            
 9579 CELEBS - HISTORY               Armand E Singer       255



Hooray for the Venerable Bede,                              
Who frequently scattered his seed.                          
Twixt alter and pew,                                        
He would seek postures new,                                 
And whenever it rained, cry: "God's peed."                  
                                                            
 9580 CELEBS - HISTORY               Jon Naismith        P0007



Once an archer named William Tell                           
Aimed his bow at an apple so well,                          
That he sliced it in two,                                   
Then his son a tree grew                                    
On his head, 'cause that where the pips fell!               
                                                            
 9581 CELEBS - HISTORY               Cyber Geezer             



With bow and arrow William Tell                             
Could tell the tyrant, "Go to Hell"                         
Or else arrow shoot                                         
And thus gain repute                                        
And have some applesauce to sell.                           
                                                            
 9582 CELEBS - HISTORY               Irving Superior     P9502



William Tell and his family, of old,                        
Down the alley, the ten-pin ball, rolled.                   
But they didn't keep score                                  
In those dark days of yore.                                 
Must ask him for whom the Tells bowled.                     
                                                            
 9583 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



Said William Tell , master bowman.                          
Who some thought a fraudulent showman,                      
"I'll shoot grapes instead                                  
Of apples off his head."                                    
"Now that", said his son, "is a bad omen".                  
                                                            
 9584 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



William Tell, it once was told me,                          
Did a favor for a Norse deity.                              
For his services mere,                                      
Tell received a holed sphere.                               
Since then William Tell bowls Thor's fee.                   
                                                            
 9585 CELEBS - HISTORY                                        



There's a George of the Georges named David                 
With whose words we are now night and day fed.              
He cries: I'll give small rations                           
To all the small nations.                                   
Bully God made this world -- but I'll save it.              
                                                            
 9586 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       James Joyce         P9008



"Dr. Johnson, You smell, I do think,"                       
Said a lady who felt in the pink;                           
But the dictionary maker                                    
A peg down did take her:                                    
"No, madam, You smell, but I stink."                        
                                                            
 9587 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Tony Davie          P9808



Guy Fawkes was destined to lose,                            
But the lesson he learned we can muse.                      
Hung and slaughtered,                                       
Drawn and quartered;                                        
Should have used a much shorter fuse.                       
                                                            
 9588 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Richard Long             



The English were hardly amused...                           
Thought themselve awfully ill-used,                         
By Pearse who cried, "Leave                                 
This land you make grieve...                                
Land you have battered and bruised!"                        
                                                            
 9589 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Tutta Gioia              



A dysfunctional diarist called Pepys                        
Didn't log deeds in years that were leaps.                  
Thus three fourths of his acts                              
Became widely know facts,                                   
While a fourth of his secrets he keeps!                     
                                                            
 9590 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Prof M-G           TP9901



A punctilious parson call Pepys                             
Kept a diary in years that were leaps.                      
Now parishoners read                                        
He was perfect in deed,                                     
But three-fourths of his secrets are keeps!                 
                                                            
 9591 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Prof M-G                 



There once was a diarist named Pepys,                       
Who wrote about London in heaps.                            
When the fire had died down,                                
Pepys went about town                                       
And culled tales that give one the creeps.                  
                                                            
 9592 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Hugh Powell              



It seems that at night-time he sleeps,                      
And in daylight he secretly keeps                           
Himself busy by writing                                     
'Bout sightings exciting...                                 
I wonders if Samuel Pepys?                                  
                                                            
 9593 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Peter Wilkins            



That diarist gives me the creeps;                           
At each comely woman he leaps,                              
And let him arive at                                        
A chamber marked 'private',                                 
Well, just see how old Samuel Pepys!                        
                                                            
 9594 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       C. Harding          P9802



As Sam Pepys never was known to shun                        
Hard work for the navy, so none                             
Spent more time in the hunt                                 
For a suitable cunt,                                        
Because sailors, of course, have more fun.                  
                                                            
 9595 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       A. N. Wilkins       P8601



It's claimed that Parr's place in the Abbey,                
Is causing the Shrine to be shabby.                         
If a fraud's been interred,                                 
The Church would be stirred,                                
And the Nobles would been more than crabby.                 
(Thomas Parr age 152 buried in Westminster Abbey 1635)      
 9596 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Bill Backe-Hansen   P8511



Old Sir Walter, it seems didn't see                         
How sadistic his Queen Liz could be.                        
Fifteen years what he dreaded                               
Happened. Beheaded!                                         
His fate lacking alacrity.                                  
                                                            
 9597 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



Walter Raleigh was one of those folk                        
Who always enjoy a good smoke,                              
And indeed was the type                                     
Who finished a pipe                                         
As he knelt for the headsman's sharp stroke.                
                                                            
 9598 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       A. N. Wilkins       P9202



That puddle is almost a lake;                               
I shall do me a quick Francis Drake.                        
(Or it may have been Walter                                 
Who threw in the water,                                     
His cloak for his lady's fair sake.)                        
                                                            
 9599 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Peter Wilkins            



Whoever, whatever you tread,                                
Fair lady, my cloak will be spread.                         
I'll strew petal of roses                                   
Wherever you goeses...                                      
Whoever said romance was dead?                              
                                                            
 9600 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Peter Wilkins            



Sir Winston, political star,                                
Could keep secrets, and so he went far.                     
"I know that loose lips                                     
Can surely sink ships,                                      
But they'll never release my cigar."                        
                                                            
 9601 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Younger Brother          



Few thought he was even a starter,                          
There were many who thought themselves smarter,             
But he ended PM,                                            
CH and OM,                                                  
An earl and a Knight of the Garter.                         
                                                            
 9602 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Penguin Dictionary  P2005



Winston Churchill was great, all agree;                     
The noblest of his century.                                 
But his less noble side                                     
Thought rich friends should provide                         
Free champagne and yacht cruises at sea.                    
                                                            
 9603 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS       Warrick Elrod            



Sir Winston, improperly dressed,                            
Walked out; some old gal, not impressed,                    
Said "Sir, close your flies!"                               
And Churchill replies:                                      
"Dead birds don't fall out of their nest."                  
                                                            
 9604 CELEBS - HISTORY - BRITS                                



Godiva paid taxes by charm,                                 
When pay-as-you-go was the norm.                            
The revenue clerks                                          
Had appreciative smirks,                                    
For the neat way she filled out her form.                   
                                                            
 9605 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      History Pun Chimera P0108



As nude Lady Godiva, Miss Paul,                             
Showed up at a masquerade ball...                           
All the hot fellows went to                                 
And began getting into                                      
What was one time her old finger stall!                     
                                                            
 9606 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Grand Prix Lim  640      



INSUPERABLE things make for pride,                          
Or perhaps a few remarks snide,                             
Like the one counted                                        
Of nude lady mounted,                                       
Known as Lady Godiva's ride.                                
                                                            
 9607 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Chris Papa               



Godiva, both modest and fairest,                            
By peeping Toms harried and harassed,                       
When she rode in the nude,                                  
Loosed her hair from its snood                              
To keep her from being em-bare-assed.                       
                                                            
 9608 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Lance Payne         P8312



When Godiva's P.R. at its peak,                             
The hype was sufficient to pique                            
Tom's interest in tail.                                     
The traditional tale                                        
Thus explains his notorious peek.                           
                                                            
 9609 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      A. N. Wilkins       P9112



When Lady Godiva last year                                  
Rode her Harley through Coventry here,                      
The constables looked                                       
And had the lass booked                                     
For not wearing protective head gear.                       
                                                            
 9610 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      A. N. Wilkins       P8312



When asked about Lady Godiva,                               
Her husband, the Lord, said, "God, I've a                   
Wife with no clothes--                                      
Now everyone knows                                          
That I am an under-provider."                               
                                                            
 9611 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Irving Superior     P9212



"Strip", Leofric said, "and you'll find                     
I'll take off the tax you've in mind."                      
So Godiva, she streaked,                                    
And nobody peeked,                                          
Except Peeping Tom, who went blind.                         
                                                            
 9612 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Harry Thomas             



Lady Godiva was quipping                                    
About all the clothes she was skipping;                     
"When I get a quick lay                                     
From my sixteen-hand bay,                                   
I save lots of time by not stripping."                      
                                                            
 9613 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Actaeon                  



That woman named Lady Godiva                                
Wore nothing at all that would hide her.                    
When she let down her hair,                                 
She left much that was bare                                 
So men would continue to eye her.                           
                                                            
 9614 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Warrick Elrod            



"What a fine pair of buttocks," said Ivor                   
At the nude vision of Lady Godiva.                          
But his sexual preference                                   
Meant that his reference                                    
Was to the vehicle and not the driver!                      
                                                            
 9615 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      H Myers                  



Her sidesaddle progress was slow;                           
No track tout would rate her a pro.                         
Said Godiva, "I rode                                        
While the townspeople oh'd;                                 
Not to win or to place, but to show!"                       
                                                            
 9616 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA                               



The townspeople's eyes would all pop,                       
Every time Ms. Godiva would stop.                           
'Twas by no means her bare back                             
That made all them stare back;                              
'Twas the fact that the horse was on top!                   
                                                            
 9617 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Rowdy Jack               



Lady Godiva's hung stallion                                 
Was Latin, he neighed in Italian.                           
His "Dolce biscotti"                                        
Got her all hotty;                                          
For Equis she dumped the batallion.                         
                                                            
 9618 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      T                        



In transposition, horse becomes PRAD,                       
Some thought of which I can be glad:                        
And erstwhile Godiva                                        
Caused drooling saliva,                                     
While parading on her prad unclad.                          
                                                            
 9619 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Daniel Ford              



Voluptuous Lady Godiva                                      
Made Coventry's menfolk saliva....                          
Her naked horse ride                                        
Had a tax nullifed,                                         
But destroyed Peeping Tom's conjuctiva!                     
                                                            
 9620 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Prof M-G           TP9901



A young lass was swifly arrested                            
For riding on horseback bare breasted.                      
I'll bet you a fiver,                                       
'Twas Lady Godiva!                                          
Lucky too, that she wasn't molested!                        
                                                            
 9621 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Jayne                    



Godiva, The Lady rode bare                                  
Through streets where the people would stare;               
Her protesting ride                                         
On all that horsehide                                       
Rubbed off every trace of cunt hair.                        
                                                            
 9622 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA                               



For her horse she refused any tack;                         
Instead chose to ride him bareback.                         
She liked how it felt,                                      
When it's nice hairy pelt,                                  
Would move back and forth in her crack.                     
                                                            
 9623 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA                               



We thought that the nags flowing mane                       
The Lady did treat with disdain.                            
But upon dismount,                                          
We did a hair count,                                        
And found we were counting in vain.                         
                                                            
 9624 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Frank                    



She sat on that horse, with aplomb,                         
Despite protestations from mom.                             
All  traffic did stop,                                      
You could hear needles drop,                                
And also a peep from young Tom.                             
                                                            
 9625 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA                               



She rode naked, but not to earn cash,                       
For some cause, it was not just to flash.                   
At the end of the course,                                   
They did find her poor horse                                
Had developed a nasty skin rash.                            
                                                            
 9626 CELEBS - HISTORY - GODIVA      Travis Brassel           



Considered sublime was the Khan,                            
Who said to his men, "Build a lawn,                         
And sow it with seed,                                       
And do it with speed."                                      
So hearing, they left, and were gone.                       
                                                            
 9627 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



For miles, they recorded the banks                          
Of the River, to whom they gave thanks,                     
For water that's sweet,                                     
Where Khan dipped his feet,                                 
Off ramps with high roofs and long planks.                  
                                                            
 9628 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



They staked out the River Alph's edge,                      
And put in a watering ditch,                                
And planted some trees,                                     
And thus they did please                                    
The Khan who observed from a ledge.                         
                                                            
 9629 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Khan's garden was glorious, green;                          
It measured across to the mean,                             
Some five and half miles;                                   
It rivaled the Nile's                                       
Great treasures, both seen and unseen.                      
                                                            
 9630 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Wet Alph ran through channels and streams,                  
Through crevices, cracks, and down seams,                   
Over rapids and falls,                                      
Down cold canyon walls,                                     
Where only the moon casts its beams.                        
                                                            
 9631 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



The oldest of trees, thereabout,                            
Abundant therein and throughout,                            
They grew in a stand,                                       
Long tended by hand,                                        
With vines and sweet songbirds endowed.                     
                                                            
 9632 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Khan stationed his guards all around,                       
Protecting its rich hallowed ground,                        
Its flowers and trees,                                      
And so it did please,                                       
The way the birds looked, and their sound.                  
                                                            
 9633 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



As though his were god-given rules,                         
He ordered magnificent pools                                
Be built with a dome,                                       
Then fill for a home                                        
To fish that swam circles in schools.                       
                                                            
 9634 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



But oh!  How romantic 'twas told,                           
How a ghost of a woman from old,                            
Did wail through the night                                  
Until the first light,                                      
And looked for her lover to hold.                           
                                                            
 9635 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



From cedar to cedar she cried                               
And called out, she was his true bride,                     
For her home just ahead                                     
Was a demon she'd wed,                                      
Disappearing right where it grows wide.                     
                                                            
 9636 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Not far from the place where she cried,                     
Was a crack where the Earth heaved and sighed;              
That vent blew out air,                                     
Wet sprays in a flare,                                      
Expelling great jets on the side.                           
                                                            
 9637 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Ejecting odd mixtures of rocks,                             
Of riverstones, boulders and blocks,                        
Which flow, although stone,                                 
And danced as if thrown,                                    
So piling to form river locks.                              
                                                            
 9638 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Just after those rapids it rushed,                          
Meandering, gurgling, it gushed,                            
Then whiled its own way,                                    
Five miles in a day,                                        
Through valleys and hills till it hushed.                   
                                                            
 9639 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



It trickled through caverns of stone,                       
Down deep to a distance unknown,                            
Admittedly quite deep,                                      
Through falls that were steep,                              
So joining a netherworld zone.                              
                                                            
 9640 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Though Alph's tumbling waters were loud,                    
The Khan listened keenly and bowed,                         
And said to his men,                                        
Strange axels did spin;                                     
An army approached, strong and proud.                       
                                                            
 9641 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



He ordered his men, "You must kneel                         
To hear how the chariot wheel                               
Makes a murmuring sound,                                    
As it runs on the ground,                                   
And makes those bells jingle and peal."                     
                                                            
 9642 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Moreover, he said his machine                               
Made pictures that looked like a scene                      
From a puppetry show,                                       
In the pools found below                                    
That dome to his garden so green.                           
                                                            
 9643 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Quite cryptically, crossed and recrossed,                   
It glittered in waters embossed.                            
He watched how it waved                                     
With symbols engraved,                                      
Which vanished whenever waves tossed.                       
                                                            
 9644 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Slashed strokes upon strokes saying "War,"                  
They covered Alph's waters and more.                        
They warned how it came                                     
Preceding its fame,                                         
And how its wheels whistled and roared.                     
                                                            
 9645 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Crossed characters crying out war,                          
They threatened sweet Alph with red gore;                   
Declaring the claim                                         
That Kublai's to blame,                                     
And crooked, corrupt to the core.                           
                                                            
 9646 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



And under the fountain that fed                             
The pools where the warnings were said,                     
The waters were clear,                                      
But turning a gear,                                         
Into ice they were hardened instead.                        
                                                            
 9647 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



The Garden of Khan was so great                             
That the dome on the pools tempted fate,                    
And under the pools                                         
Were caves full of jewels,                                  
And glittering ice lakes ornate.                            
                                                            
 9648 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



For the formations were ice that had flowed                 
For ages, and so they were old,                             
In twisted curved shapes,                                   
Like blankets and capes,                                    
Or figures withdrawn from a mold.                           
                                                            
 9649 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



And on the Khan's dome the sun blazed,                      
And near it great cedars were raised.                       
And flowers did blush,                                      
The winds made to hush,                                     
And sentries stood stand where they're placed.              
                                                            
 9650 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



I heard then a damsel that played                           
A harp or a lyre, and she swayed,                           
Enchanting my vision                                        
With every rendition,                                       
And singing things heavenly made.                           
                                                            
 9651 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Of swarthy east African hue,                                
A damsel whose singing was true,                            
She sang of the place,                                      
With remarkable grace,                                      
Where up on Mount Bora she grew.                            
                                                            
 9652 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



That maid, Abyssinian sweet,                                
With beautiful ivory white teeth,                           
Her fingers played strings,                                 
Made music for kings,                                       
A symphony, stirring, complete.                             
                                                            
 9653 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



The note of that harp seemed to fill                        
My heart like a cup that might spill,                       
Just thinking of that,                                      
I collapsed and then sat,                                   
And swooned as though under a spell.                        
                                                            
 9654 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



If only I somehow could know                                
The notes of that song, and its flow.                       
I'd lay out the score                                       
And then I'd restore                                        
The dome of the Kublai Khan, so.                            
                                                            
 9655 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



That all could behold it and see                            
The way it did hang over me,                                
Suspended on strings,                                       
Bright musical things,                                      
His pleasure dome, bright as could be.                      
                                                            
 9656 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



And the ice caves that glittered just under,                
Resounding with musical thunder,                            
The chords of her song,                                     
Swelled up and along,                                       
Inspiring both awe and great wonder.                        
                                                            
 9657 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



And seeing, how could they help sighing,                    
"Behold it, behold what he's trying,                        
How Kublai, he brings                                       
His garden, his springs,                                    
His birds which sang sweetly when flying!"                  
                                                            
 9658 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



And seeing it, all would be crying,                         
"Beware of it!  Watch how its flying!                       
How Kublai did wink,                                        
This too makes you think                                    
About the great risks of defying!"                          
                                                            
 9659 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



His greatness is there in the air.                          
His nobleness, favor, and flare,                            
He goes with his dome;                                      
You'll see what is shown,                                   
And see his bright eyes and straight hair.                  
                                                            
 9660 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



A pentacle, circle it thrice,                               
To keep him kept in, and his eyes,                          
And his dome and his battles,                               
His soldiers and saddles,                                   
His glittering caverns of ice!                              
                                                            
 9661 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



Turn away from his dome and his eyes!                       
In case you should think you're as wise                     
As he who did feed                                          
On honey=sweet mead,                                        
Or who built for himself paradise.                          
                                                            
 9662 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Matthew Montchalin       



In Xanadu girls dance, in lant-                             
ern Light, making most fellers pant.                        
But though they dance naxid,                                
Khan's member stays flaccid;                                
I guess you could say Kubla Khan't.                         
                                                            
 9663 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN                          



Kublai Khan once complained to his men,                     
"I eat a huge banquet and then                              
In an hour or so,                                           
I feel just as though                                       
I were actually hungry again."                              
                                                            
 9664 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN A. N. Wilkins       P9212



Though it's been over-long in gestation,                    
Here at last is the manifestation,                          
Of the great Kublai Khan,                                   
And his huge pleasure barn,                                 
That he built near to Charing Cross Station.                
                                                            
 9665 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



In that mystical place, Xanadu,                             
Kublai Khan built a house built for two,                    
Or three thousand or more,                                  
And filled it with whores,                                  
Girlie shows and movies so blue.                            
                                                            
 9666 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



So the Khan and his men had such fun,                       
(Kublai's favorite was dressed as a nun.)                   
They were fucking away                                      
For many a day,                                             
Till the floors ran with whiskey and come.                  
                                                            
 9667 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



Then the cry came: "Beware! Mongol hordes!"                 
So they ran, barring windows and doors.                     
Said the Khan: "Lads, be bold!                              
Give them jewels and gold,                                  
But they ain't getting hold of these whores."               
                                                            
 9668 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



But a horseman, they knew as old Alph,                      
Was shit-scared and feared for his health.                  
Out the back gate he rode,                                  
In the Mongol Horde strode,                                 
And old Kublai was routed -- not half.                      
                                                            
 9669 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



So poor Kublai Khan was no more.                            
The barbarians had orgies galore.                           
But Xanadian girls                                          
Can go many whirls,                                         
And the warriors were soon on the floor.                    
                                                            
 9670 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



And their fame still endures to this day.                   
So if you go down Charing Cross way,                        
And there ask a flozie:                                     
"Wanna Xanadusie?"                                          
I'm surprised if the hussy says nay.                        
                                                            
 9671 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



Well, here I must end my oration;                           
My nurse is here with medication.                           
And if she wants a screw,                                   
I'm sure I can do                                           
My stuff with some more Viagration.                         
                                                            
 9672 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



Now this is Nurse Emma to tell                              
You that crazy old fool's shot to hell.                     
You can take it from me,                                    
That his impotency,                                         
Would need splints and a cast there as well.                
                                                            
 9673 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



The addled old fool's little song                           
Confuses Khan with Mendelson's                              
Millenium dome,                                             
Thus the site for this poem,                                
Is a few thousand miles distant wrong.                      
                                                            
 9674 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN Tiddy Ogg                



A Xanadu girl was quite blunt,                              
Said she, "I'll perform a great stunt:                      
I'll fuck Khan's great member,                              
From March to December:                                     
I'll do it with my Kubla Khunt!                             
                                                            
 9675 CELEBS - HISTORY - KUBLAI KHAN                          



Where would philanthropist Carnegie                         
Be in a modern day library?                                 
He'd be greatly amazed,                                     
Or to say the least, phased,                                
And would ask, "Just what's a DVD?"                         
                                                            
 9676 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



When his wife said, "Ben, go fly a kite,"                   
He said "Franklin, my dear, I just might."                  
But a bolt from the sky                                     
Zapped this well-grounded guy,                              
Which is why we have light, now, at night.                  
                                                            
 9677 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Larry Hollister          



Betsy Ross remarked, "As to that flag,                      
It's said I made it just to brag.                           
No, George forced his design                                
On me; tossed out mine.                                     
All in all, the whole thing's been a drag."                 
                                                            
 9678 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Loren Fitzhugh     P0310 



Alarmed by what tea was now costin',                        
The colonial people of Boston                               
Harbored anger so deep                                      
Over taxes too steep,                                       
That the harbor was where it was tossed in.                 
                                                            
 9679 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Larry Hollister          



Daniel Boone was asked, "Dan, do you mind                   
If we claim you a treasure, a find?"                        
Dan replied, "No, that's true                               
And what's more, I'll tell you:                             
It's been said I'm a Boone to mankind."                     
                                                            
 9680 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



Now George Wallace on the other shore,                      
Has no need to contend anymore.                             
Unless he should perforce                                   
Find his path blocked, of course,                           
By a white-robed guy guarding the door.                     
                                                            
 9681 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



The orator, great Henry Clay                                
Tried out the new super bidet.                              
If you'd like to see 'em                                    
Go to Richmond Museum,                                      
Where his balls are on public display.                      
                                                            
 9682 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



His voice, a rich basso changed to mezzo soprano.           
Republicans say he turned gay.                              
The gush from the south blew his balls to his mouth,        
Distorting what Clay wants to say.                          
The result was quite sad; his dick blown to Baghdad,        
And his balls to the Champs Elysees                         
 9683 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



It blew his genitalia To far off Australia;                 
He's leaveing to join them today.                           
The resulting viration caused such strong sensation         
It quadrupled old Clay's PSA.                               
His dick blew out of sight, So on a cold winter's night,    
Clay has nothing with which he can play.                    
 9684 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



To you, it may sound sick, But his bifurcated dick,         
Has made him a sought after lay.                            
His balls disappeared, but his sinuses cleared,             
And his eyes bulged like fish on a tray.                    
He said that his wiener Had never been cleaner              
But his testicles melted away.                              
 9685 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



With Onassis, Jackie was such a winner,                     
The Church called her a public sinner.                      
She then cast her eyes                                      
On a hundred other guys,                                    
To prove that she was no beginner.                          
                                                            
 9686 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Chairman Steve           



Tom Jefferson liked recreation                              
With Sally, when home on plantation.                        
Though she wasn't his Mrs.                                  
We have heard, with some hisses.                            
They were Mr. and miscegenation.                            
                                                            
 9687 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.                                 



The Puritan faggot Miles Standish,                          
Was quite skilled with the knife he did brandish.           
He would carve up that bird                                 
By the rules of God's word,                                 
Though he stuffed it in ways quite outlandish.              
                                                            
 9688 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        D Royd                   



When Standish sent Alden to blandish                        
Priscilla on behalf of Standish,                            
Priscilla advised                                           
(In words modernized)                                       
"Why don't you your own penis brandish?"                    
                                                            
 9689 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Irving Superior     P9307



Was Priscilla aware that Miles Standish,                    
In his courship, was wholly outlandish,                     
That apart from a sword                                     
Which he'd smuggled aboard,                                 
He had little or nothing to brandish.                       
                                                            
 9690 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



"My only regret," Nathan Hale                               
While breathing his final inhale,                           
(The trap door is set)                                    ] 
"My only regret                                             
Has something to do with ex-Hale."                          
                                                            
 9691 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Irving Superior     P9305



He declined to take any part, he                            
Declared, in his foe's necktie party,                       
Unless guaranteed                                           
He'd be afterward freed                                     
To die once again, Hale and hearty.                         
                                                            
 9692 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Laurence Perrine    P9501



"If by land, then hang one lamp for me,                     
But hang two, if they're coming by sea."                    
With instructions so clear,                                 
It perplexed Paul Revere                                    
When that night, he distinctly saw three!                   
                                                            
 9693 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Larry Hollister          



While Paul Revere made his night ride,                      
Ten 'Redcoats' were raping his bride;                       
"The British," cried Paul,                                  
"Are coming, you all!"                                      
"Oh God!  Yes they are!" she replied.                       
                                                            
 9694 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Travis Brasell           



When John Alden spoke up for Miles,                         
Priscilla saw through all their wiles.                      
She said, "John I can see                                   
You'd like bedding with me,                                 
And I must say your scheming beguiles."                     
                                                            
 9695 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Warrick Elrod            



Ms Susan B Anthony's niece                                  
Insisted the rumors must cease.                             
But Congress, quite jaunty,                                 
Immortalized Auntie -                                       
America's First Dollar Piece.                               
                                                            
 9696 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Arthur Deex         P0001



Whether or not said by old Thoreau,                         
It is wiser to beg than to borrow.                          
How true that at any rate                                   
And even a penny rate,                                      
To borrow tomorrow means sorrow.                            
                                                            
 9697 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Conrad Aiken        P9502



I'll admit my brain boggles and bends                       
When I think of those weird "New Age" trends.               
William Penn, stalwart, brave,                              
Would rotate in his grave                                   
At "Society of Psychic Friends."                            
                                                            
 9698 CELEBS - HISTORY - U.S.        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9804



Though the wife of Attila was small                         
Her fame wasn't puny at all;                                
She was barbarous fun                                       
But she tasted like Hun                                     
And smelled like an evening in Gaul.                        
                                                            
 9699 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Cunanan, the infamous fag,                                  
Embarked on his murderous jag.                              
He eluded the cops                                          
Wearing wigs made of mops,                                  
As he wandered the streets in full drag.                    
                                                            
 9700 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Tom Patton          P9709



A history scholar named Georgia                             
Expounds on the family Borgia:                              
"Such evils they've done!"                                  
She cries, "Better run                                      
If you see a Borgia come torgia!"                           
                                                            
 9701 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              VOL 7                    



When Congressman Condit awoke,                              
He stifled his tears with a choke.                          
"You see, it depends                                        
On where it goes and ends,                                  
And whether folks think I misspoke."                        
                                                            
 9702 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Matthew Montchalin       



"Since surely Persona's what counts,                        
Charisma and Ego -- each ounce --                           
And Image and Friends                                       
And the Means to the Ends,                                  
And not the way beds squeak and bounce."                    
                                                            
 9703 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Matthew Montchalin       



"I steel my nerves for the day,                             
Rehearse every line that I'll say,                          
And think of old times                                      
And not of sex crimes,                                      
Nor of the odd goons I'll repay."                           
                                                            
 9704 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Matthew Montchalin       



"I'll shave and get ready for work,                         
Conceal every oddness and quirk,                            
Debate an old bill,                                         
And show off my skill,                                      
Availing myself to each perk."                              
                                                            
 9705 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Matthew Montchalin       



"And talk to reporters and crew,                            
And tell them the things that I knew.                       
Or stories and lies,                                        
The wherefores and why's,                                   
And toe the straight line that I drew."                     
                                                            
 9706 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Matthew Montchalin       



Guy Fawkes was a wonderful chap;                            
He's been given a terrible rap.                             
He just wanted to say                                       
"Being Catholic's okay."                                    
Boom boom, folks, now please mind the gap.                  
                                                            
 9707 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Anon                     



"If my poophole," said Idi Amin,                            
"Were as big as my mouth, 'twould be keen.                  
I could eat, eat, and eat,                                  
And excrete all I eat.                                      
I'd not be a fat slob, I'd be lean."                        
                                                            
 9708 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Michael Weinstein   P8402



Meglomaniac Idi Amin,                                       
Once climbed on a fucking machine.                          
But he was so perverse,                                     
It went into reverse,                                       
And made him an African Queen.                              
                                                            
 9709 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              J. Beauregard Pepys P8202



The unspeakable Idi Amin,                                   
When informed by the French, made a scene:                  
If he wanted to come                                        
He would have to become                                     
Disinfected, castrated, and lean.                           
                                                            
 9710 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



Jack the Ripper gave no explanation                         
To his buddy of that decimation                             
Of the whores of Hyde Park                                  
Save one brief remark;                                      
"Aren't the parks, lad, for our recreation?"                
                                                            
 9711 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              A. N. Wilkins       P8610



A carpenter named of John Skipper                           
Is currently not feeling chipper.                           
He gets little thanks                                       
For sawing up planks;                                       
Friends greet him with "Yo, Jack the Ripper!"               
                                                            
 9712 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Armand E Singer       789



The reason he's called Jack the Ripper                      
Was not from her clothes he would strip her,                
But his was so thick,                                       
To get it in quick,                                         
He'd grab either side and just stick her.                   
                                                            
 9713 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Irving Superior     P8903



Jack the Ripper was really none other                       
Than a duke and the Prince of Wales' brother.               
He was settling the scores                                  
When he murdered the whores,                                
Because my lord hated his mother.                           
                                                            
 9714 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              A. N. Wilkins       P8903



In Milwaukee a certain Jeff Dahmer                          
Thought of himself as an embalmer.                          
He cut up 17 males,                                         
Stored them in some pails.                                  
When arrested he could not have been calmer.                
                                                            
 9715 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Arthur Pattaffy          



They are turning and getting irate;                         
Many think now that Bill's not so great.                    
If Dahmer weren't gone,                                     
He might join the throng.                                   
Jeff would have Willy's head on a plate.                    
(about Bill Clinton too)                                    
 9716 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Jeffery Dahmer, that wheel-spinning guy,                    
Got confused about which vowel to buy.                      
"Think I'd like 'an knee',"                                 
He said grinning with glee,                                 
"Come to think of it, I'll take an 'eye'."                  
                                                            
 9717 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Larry Hollister          



Jeff Dahmer had soon made his mark                          
With a fried-food cafe in the park.                         
He was fair in his place,                                   
Never partial to race,                                      
For he offered both white meat and dark.                    
                                                            
 9718 CELEBS - INFAMOUS                                       



When Jeffrey Dahmer met the bunch,                          
He knew it was more than a hunch,                           
That they soom would be dead,                               
And he'd keep all their head,                               
In his fridge, to eat later for lunch.                      
                                                            
 9719 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Stark                    



The corpse that belongs to John Brown,                      
Lies moldering in the earth six feet down.                  
He was buried in style;                                     
He's been there quite a while.                              
I wonder if that's what caused his frown!                   
                                                            
 9720 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Arthur Pattaffy          



Ms. Karla Faye's seen her best day;                         
The governor's denied her stay.                             
Stranger than fiction                                       
Since her conviction,                                       
She now claims to be beast of pray.                         
                                                            
 9721 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Tom Patton          P9804



Now the Bible says when you believe,                        
If you axe, you will surely receive.                        
I hacked people to pieces                                   
Before I found Jesus.                                       
So why didn't I get my reprieve?                            
                                                            
 9722 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              William N Nesbit    P9804



Much like Lizzie Bordon before her,                         
When she killed two humans in horror,                       
She fell to her knees                                       
Saying, "Oh Dear God, Please!"                              
Who replied, "Don't you know, I'm the scorer."              
                                                            
 9723 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Tom Patton          P9804



There once was a fellow named Keating,                      
Whose investors took a terrible beating.                    
This happens to pensioners                                  
And other good intentioners                                 
Naive about white collar cheating.                          
                                                            
 9724 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Arthur Deex         P9705



This year when you hear, "Ho Ho Ho Ho!"                     
And mother's blood sugar's too low,                         
Might it be that your mama                                  
Lapsed into a coma                                          
'Cause of old Santa Klaus Von Bulow?                        
                                                            
 9725 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Jean Chapeau             



The Ku Klux Klan is the pits;                               
A mob of low-class half-wits.                               
They hide behind sheets,                                    
Drinking beer, eating beets;                                
I hope they get terminal zits.                              
                                                            
 9726 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Bluebird           TP9807



There was a young student called Truman,                    
Who now and again, seemed quite human.                      
In exams, he was top.                                       
Now he works in a shop.                                     
Like Al Bundy, he is a low shoe man!  (??-McW)              
                                                            
 9727 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Arthur Pattaffy          



Seems Mary Laterno got kicks                                
By sucking thirteen year old dicks.                         
Back in jail with the ladies,                               
For her must be Hades,                                      
She'll just have to take her licks.                         
                                                            
 9728 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              MrMalo                   



Menendez--your judgment delay.                              
As Lincoln would tongue-in-cheek say,                       
"What else can we do                                        
But pity the two.                                           
So, for the two orphans let's pray."                        
                                                            
 9729 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Irving Superior     P9407



Their parents, they claimed, were horrendous.               
Their beatings and anguish were endless.                    
And so, what to do?                                         
The two shot the two.                                       
The jury was hung, not Menendez.                            
                                                            
 9730 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Irving Superior     P9601



Each parent left home on a gurney;                          
A sad way to end each life's journey.                       
Both Erik and Lyle                                          
Produced tears and no smile.                                
So who had a smile? Each attorney.                          
(Erik and Lyle Menendez, murders)                           
 9731 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Jane D. Hughes      P9403



What kept Menendez up for nights                            
Was not the grisly murder sights,                           
And not their mom's moans.                                  
It was the telephones,                                      
To whom to sell the TV rights.                              
                                                            
 9732 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Irving Superior     P9407



The brothers Menendez excuse--                              
They suffered parental abuse.                               
When things got too bad,                                    
They "Honor Mom/Dad"                                        
And one more Commandment mis-use.                           
                                                            
 9733 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Irving Superior     P9407



The lesson that Menendez taught--                           
A parent's life is full of fraught.                         
Break their butt to rear,                                   
And "Thanks" never hear.                                    
Nor do they hear the fatal shot.                            
                                                            
 9734 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Irving Superior     P9407



When Ollie expired, alas,                                   
There was moaning and passing of gas.                       
In his coffin, face down,                                   
Lay this corpse of renown,                                  
For the flagpole was stuck up his ass.                      
                                                            
 9735 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Al Chaplin          P9501



I need only invoke apple pie                                
And they'll buy any plausible lie.                          
Though my deeds reek of folly,                              
I'm Ollie, by golly,                                        
A jolly good, Hollywood guy.                                
                                                            
 9736 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Karen Gale          P8711



A careless young patriot, Ollie,                            
Was dazzled by GOP folly.                                   
With rash right-wing dreams,                                
He pushed Reagan's schemes--                                
But got robbed on the Senate Street trolley.                
                                                            
 9737 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Norm Storer         P9501



The nephew of one of the czars                              
Used to suck on Rasputin at Yars,                           
'Till the peasants revolted,                                
The royal family bolted,                                    
Now they're under the sickle and stars.                     
                                                            
 9738 CELEBS - INFAMOUS                                  L0396



That crazy mad monk called Rasputin,                        
Was a clever sod, there's no disputin'.                     
He had the Tsarina                                          
Blow his ocarina,                                           
And for that, you just have to salute 'im.                  
                                                            
 9739 CELEBS - INFAMOUS                                       



The Czarina said, "As sure as shootin',                     
It is for that weird Dervish I'm rootin'.                   
Though mad as Ophelia,                                      
He cures hemophilia,                                        
And in bed, none's erect as Rasputin."                      
                                                            
 9740 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9801



There once was a girl named Loretta                         
Who was a big fan of "Baretta";                             
When she met Robert Blake                                   
She decided to take                                         
Him home to put with her poinsetta.                         
                                                            
 9741 CELEBS - INFAMOUS                                       



Scott Peterson has caused so much strife.                   
Killed his baby and also his wife.                          
To end his romance,                                         
He took one last chance,                                    
And won free meals for all of his life.                     
                                                            
 9742 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Tom Patton          P0306



Mrs Peterson's naughty son, Scott                           
Has gotten himself in a spot                                
For three squares a day.                                    
The county will pay,                                        
But Bubba will be sharing his cot.                          
                                                            
 9743 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



Somoza to U.S. came quick                                   
With pustular sores on his prick.                           
Said a bigwig, bemused,                                     
"Do not look so confused --                                 
I have cured worse than that with one lick."                
                                                            
 9744 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Albin Chaplin   3024-1737



Miss Harding, a good figure skater,                         
Was a devout masturbater.                                   
On ice, at a Schalkow stunt,                                
The audience got a peek at her cunt,                        
And discovered a secreted vibrator.                         
                                                            
 9745 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Grettir the Dong         



A weakness of Vlad the Impaler,                             
Was to shout out at men, "Hello Sailor!"                    
In far Transylvania,                                        
He'd indulge in his mania,                                  
And dress up as Elizabeth Taylor.                           
                                                            
 9746 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Bill Wall                



I met a Romanian sailor,                                    
Who carred with him an inhaler.                             
"The girlies all gasp                                       
At the size of my asp,                                      
And need it," said Vlad the Impaler.                        
                                                            
 9747 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              Tiddy                    



I'm Vlad the Impaler, I am;                                 
My seduction technique is a sham.                           
Like a bat out of Hades,                                    
I pounce on young ladies                                    
And fuck like a battering ram!                              
                                                            
 9748 CELEBS - INFAMOUS              PeterW                   



OJSimpson.com is a site                                     
That describes a Ford Bronco in flight.                     
Then the subsequent trial                                   
And the total denial.                                       
/,/,\,<esc>, and goodnight.(slash, slash, backslash, escape>
                                                            
 9749 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Anon                     



Equal use of the law is our boast.                          
But the rich are more equal than most.                      
They will spare no expense                                  
For an intense defense;                                     
Take O.J., who by now should be toast.                      
                                                            
 9750 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Tom Patton          P2006



We all watched the trial of OJ;                             
He most certainly did it, they say.                         
But his lawyers' strong fights,                             
To pit blacks against whites,                               
Let our sport hero just walk away.                          
                                                            
 9751 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



When interviewed, honest and dutiful,                       
"Nicole was a wife I found suitable,"                       
Said OJ, "She played                                        
Both my cook and my maid;                                   
But moreover was strikingly beautiful."                     
                                                            
 9752 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Hugh Clary               



"And oh!  How Nicole make me swagger,                       
Unlike me, she was never a nagger,                          
And when push came to shove,                                
Our lives fit like a glove;                                 
My true love cut through her like a dagger!"                
                                                            
 9753 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Travis Brasell           



As he droned on Capitol Hill,                               
We were all distracted from Bill.                           
The verdict was in!                                         
OJ's guilty as sin                                          
And he's in the hole for $8 mil.                            
                                                            
 9754 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Rockin' Floyd            



A hero ballplayer named O.J.                                
Was arrested for murder one June day.                       
But soon all could see,                                     
He'd not in jail be                                         
And now spends his time on his golf play.                   
                                                            
 9755 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Lawrence & Charlette Berk



Some one should stalk O.J.                                  
Looking for justice some day.                               
He's guilty as sin,                                         
Even though he did win,                                     
'Cause he had enough money to pay!                          
                                                            
 9756 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



It seemed Marcia had played the right cards.                
The defense of OJ is in shards.                             
If he takes the stand                                       
He'll crumble like sand;                                    
He hoist himself on his petards.                            
(Boy, is this out of date! -  Marcia = State Prosecutor)    
 9757 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Al Willis                



Now O. J. is guilty but free,                               
But the jury was blind as can be.                           
They forgot the facts                                       
On the ex-running-back                                      
Which should sicken both you and me.                        
                                                            
 9758 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Cochrane to O.J., "I fear                              
Good news and bad I have here.                              
The judge won't prohibit                                    
A conjugal visit,                                           
But only if from Rosy Grier."                               
                                                            
 9759 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ                                  



O. J. Simpson's the name: I can tell                        
That you all hope that I'll rot in hell.                    
But when is comes to the crunch,                            
You know that I've got a hunch                              
I can fool him upstairs just as well.                       
                                                            
 9760 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Oliver M                 



The prosecution calls these two gents                       
From the white Bronco parked by the fence.                  
We are introducing Al,                                      
And a second O.J. pal,                                      
Two black loafers as People's Evidence.                     
(two black shoes found in Bronco - what did you think?)     
 9761 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Arthur Deex         P9503



Said Los Angeles D.A. Garcetti,                             
The defense was a bowl of spaghetti                         
Thrown up on the wall                                       
To see what would fall.                                     
Justice turned into confetti.                               
(in reference to the O. J. Simpson trial)                   
 9762 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         MJM                      



A big handsome man with a knife                             
Was arrested for killing his wife.                          
With a wonderful smile,                                     
The jury he'd beguile,                                      
And he got off with his life.                               
                                                            
 9763 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Cybergeezer              



O. J., who once was the tops,                               
Was arrested for giving chop-chops.                         
But the jury then found                                     
That the blood all around                                   
Was really put there by the cops.                           
                                                            
 9764 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ                                  



To his dad said a lad in deep woes,                         
"Some person should know, I suppose.                        
Who ran this foul play?"                                    
"Not I," said O.J.                                          
"Ask your mother, I think that she knows."                  
                                                            
 9765 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Phil Cannibal       P9502



Judge Ito said, "I am not solly                             
O.J. lost his law suit, by golly.                           
What turned the tide?                                       
They found that he lied;                                    
It came down to the Bruno Mali.                             
(Bruno Mali shoes)                                          
 9766 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Thomas M. Patton    P9704



O.J. Simpson's young kids, lass and laddie,                 
Are back home now and living with Daddy,                    
Who said, "Since you axe,                                   
They need to meet blacks,                                   
So I'll introduce them to my Caddy."                        
                                                            
 9767 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



"Miss Clark," remarked Christopher Darden,                  
"No wonder OJ got a pardon;                                 
Ito asked to see writs,                                     
And you thought he said tits--                              
And the jury, quite bored, watched his hardon."             
                                                            
 9768 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Arthur Deex         P9607



All I'm after--no more and no less--                        
If for OJ, the knave, to confess.                           
You say, "That is true,                                     
But what's in it for you?"                                  
Instant fame and book royalties, I guess.                   
                                                            
 9769 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         William N. Nesbit   P9603



At the pet store, said OJ, "I guess                         
I need a fine bird to caress."                              
So a Foo bird he bought,                                    
But he had second thought,                                  
"If the Foo shits, I'll be in a mess."                      
(Italian shoes were a clue in OJ trial)                     
 9770 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Al Chaplin          P9702



"Miss Clark," remarked Christopher Darden,                  
"I think we should visit a garden.                          
You'll be quite beguiled                                    
By daisies so wild,                                         
And if you pull mine, it will harden."                      
                                                            
 9771 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Arthur Deex         P9608



I'm obsessed by the trial of OJ                             
For I've watched for a year everyday.                       
I drive a Bronco that's white,                              
Have bloody gloves that are tight                           
And I'm sure, have the same DNA.                            
                                                            
 9772 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Barbara Cunningham  P9507



Nicole's house the police did raid,                         
His friends all came to his aid.                            
The cops think he did it.                                   
The road, he did hit it;                                    
He was in a highway parade.                                 
                                                            
 9773 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



W. Schecht, I hear what you say,                            
But the cops have the facts -- DNA.                         
With all of your dough,                                     
You surely must know,                                       
The evidence points to O.J.                                 
                                                            
 9774 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



The way that Ron's father now views it,                     
The money is paid; he poo-poos it.                          
"If justice is mine,                                        
There's no dollar sign,                                     
But if they pay, I won't refuse it."                        
                                                            
 9775 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Al Willis           P9604



A L.A. policeman named Mark                                 
Was searching around in the dark,                           
And he found O.J.'s knife,                                  
After he butchered his wife                                 
And planted it just for a lark!                             
                                                            
 9776 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



Goldman's attorney has run amok,                            
If he'll let OJ off for a buck.                             
If billings refused,                                        
He'll be accused                                            
And kicked from the bar, the dumb cluck.                    
                                                            
 9777 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Tom Patton          P9604



A right-wing spin doctor who's spun                         
Lurid tales about Monica's fun,                             
Exclaimed when his eyes                                     
Saw the fruit of his lies:                                  
"We've gotten O.J. off page one!"                           
                                                            
 9778 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ                                  



There was a sports legend named OJ                          
Whose old lady told him to go 'way.                         
He slashed up his wife                                      
With a fifteen inch knife,                                  
Then he led a parade on the freeway.                        
                                                            
 9779 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         VOL11                    



There once was a man they called "Juice";                   
Was acquitted and now's on the loose;                       
So please hid those knives;                                 
Protect your wives;                                         
And hope he will not use a noose.                           
                                                            
 9780 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



We all watched the trial of J, O.                           
The verdict was really a blow.                              
The bark of a god,                                          
The defense a facade,                                       
And the jury composed a rondo.                              
                                                            
 9781 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Jim Weaver Collection    



When football star fell off his trolley,                    
And became a vengeful svengali,                             
Incompetent jury                                            
Aroused the world's fury                                    
With verdict condoning his folly!                           
                                                            
 9782 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Observer                 



All such juries deserve to be jailed,                       
And forever severely assailed,                              
For they've joineed with the slime                          
Who committed the crime,                                    
And the victim and system they've failed.                   
                                                            
 9783 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Observer                 



Berating the jury's no use.                                 
They're obviously too obtuse                                
To convict old OJ,                                          
But there is no damned way                                  
The killer should not get the juice.                        
                                                            
 9784 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - OJ         Cyberwizard              



There once was a Bomber called Una                          
Who subsisted on rabbits and tuna.                          
His one big mistake                                         
Came from eating his cake,                                  
Instead of having it sooner.                                
                                                            
 9785 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  J. Matulis               



"Oh my God!" said the Federal Fred;                         
As when he entered the ramshackle shed.                     
"He's the bomber, no doubt!"                                
The FBI'd shout.                                            
In shackles, away Ted was led.                              
                                                            
 9786 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



Kaczynski, allegedly Una,                                   
Was arrested, and might have been sooner,                   
Had a waitress he knew                                      
But reported the clue                                       
That he savored black powder on tuna.                       
                                                            
 9787 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER                           



There once was a young mathematician                        
Whose girlfriend refused him coition.                       
So above her he stood                                       
With a bomb made of wood,                                   
And blasted her into submission.                            
                                                            
 9788 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man named Ted;                             
His hooded sweatshirt was red.                              
He put bombs in the mail;                                   
Now he's in jail.                                           
He'll go to hell when he's dead.                            
                                                            
 9789 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Joey Carlton             



Oh say can you see                                          
The Unabomber is you and me.                                
Armed with a fuse,                                          
And ready for a ruse,                                       
We are all Ted Kaszynski                                    
                                                            
 9790 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man named Ted,                             
Who once got it into his head,                              
"Eco-pigs must die,                                         
For telling us lies!"                                       
Or so this is what he has said.                             
                                                            
 9791 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



The Unabomber's not very nice                               
When he mails an explosive device.                          
So please never fail                                        
To check out your mail,                                     
Otherwise you may end up on ice.                            
                                                            
 9792 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Tom Patton          P9609



Ted Kaczynski was hunting a rabbit                          
And it would have been easy to grab it.                     
But then Teddy thought                                      
That he wanted some sport,                                  
So he blew off its paws out of habit.                       
                                                            
 9793 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



Alleged Unabomber, Kaczynski,                               
Was arrested for deadly intentski.                          
"We deduced who he was,"                                    
Crowed the Federal Fuzz,                                    
"The twelfth time he bought powder and flintski."           
                                                            
 9794 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Cybergeezer              



For the past several weeks or so,                           
I've been trying to have a good go                          
On the Unabomber theme,                                     
But it's hard to dream,                                     
So I have had to go slow.                                   
                                                            
 9795 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a madman named Ted;                          
When they paved a road, he saw red.                         
He worked on his bombs,                                     
Included CD-ROMS;                                           
Jail is nicer than his shed.                                
                                                            
 9796 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man named Ted;                             
To him, progress was something to dread.                    
So in a mysterious manner,                                  
He moved to Montana,                                        
To live in a plywood shed.                                  
                                                            
 9797 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



But this alone wasn't enough;                               
He'd have to plan something quite rough.                    
He'd sent out some mail                                     
To places like Yale,                                        
And make scientists blow up in a puff.                      
                                                            
 9798 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



And when in his cabin, they found him,                      
With strong chain and ropes they bound him.                 
Telling those by the car,                                   
As they locked him in thar,                                 
He's dangerous. No smoking around him.                      
                                                            
 9799 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



Now this didn't have a pleasant aroma                       
To the Feds, who'd been through "Oklahoma".                 
With the help of Ted's brother,                             
And his dear old sweet mother,                              
They were "Chemo" to his "Carcinoma."                       
                                                            
 9800 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



A mathematician named Ted                                   
Was arrested in a Montana shed,                             
For having the know-how                                     
To make things go KER-POW!                                  
And for thumbing his nose at the Fed.                       
                                                            
 9801 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Al Girard                



"This sucks!" said the convict Kaczynski                    
(Though not like the intern Lewinsky),                      
A lifetime on ice                                           
Is not very nice,                                           
Unless you are Tara Lipinski.                               
                                                            
 9802 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  DC Dave                  



Kaczynski as a kid was a geek;                              
He was said to be pathologically meek.                      
As a professor, a flop.                                     
To bomb charges, he'd cop,                                  
And this isn't just a lawyer's leak.                        
                                                            
 9803 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



Sometimes, now I long for the day                           
When the Unabomber just gets to say:                        
"I'm not guilty of crime;                                   
Polluters should do the time,                               
As they despoil our beautiful bay."                         
                                                            
 9804 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Jim Weaver Collection    



Last year O.J. beheaded his mate,                           
And now Teddy's been caught by The State.                   
A new psychopath                                            
For society's wrath--                                       
The creep that we most love to hate!                        
(the Unabomber)                                             
 9805 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Phred                    



Ted Kaczynski gave out a great sigh.                        
"My suicide try went awry.                                  
If I had rehearsed,                                         
My shorts been reversed,                                    
Front to back, then I surely would die."                    
                                                            
 9806 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Tom Patton          P9802



Ted's brother wants no tax on the dough,                    
So to the victims, the cash can all go.                     
It sound very nice                                          
But, I'm thinking twice --                                  
Who says he won't take the money and blow?                  
                                                            
 9807 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Frank Petersohn          



"I'm a TROGLODYTE," his excuse                              
For being a techno-recluse.                                 
The Unabomber,                                              
Like Jeffrey Dahmer,                                        
Reign of terror they did induce.                            
                                                            
 9808 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Darryl                   



There once was a guy named Ted                              
Who wanted to see some people dead.                         
For almost 20 years                                         
He had no fears,                                            
Even though there were bombs under the bed.                 
                                                            
 9809 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Joe Kohn                 



He lived alone in a shack,                                  
And dreamed of his big pay-back.                            
Though no one knew why,                                     
Took the whole FBI                                          
Twenty years to get right on his track.                     
                                                            
 9810 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Joe Kohn                 



There once was a wacko named Ted,                           
Who had some room in his shed.                              
He made bombs in there                                      
And sent them by air,                                       
Until his bro called up some Fed.                           
                                                            
 9811 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - UNABOMBER  Joko                     



Der Fuehrer did work with great vigor                       
And a new cooking school he did trigger.                    
But he has been surpassed;                                  
Atom bombs are now massed,                                  
And the cookouts today will be bigger.                      
                                                            
 9812 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Albin Chaplin            



A typical type is Herr Hitler;                              
He's a great territorial whittler;                          
And ready to nab                                            
All the ground he can grab,                                 
But always from lands that are littler.                     
                                                            
 9813 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Victory Joke Book   P8811



Herr Hitler then put on a pout                              
And said, "I'm so mad I could shout!                        
Though we don't have a hope,                                
I'll fuck Eva and mope,                                     
Because I'm a real sour Kraut!"                             
                                                            
 9814 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       John Dohner         P8901



Hitler was cranky and mean;                                 
In Europe, he caused quite a scene.                         
It was because he was mad                                   
At what little he had;                                      
He had one all were two should have been.                   
                                                            
 9815 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Jim Weaver Collection    



The Germans first felt the bold clout                       
Of us at the Normandy rout.                                 
Then Heinies left France                                    
When kicked in the panz-                                    
Er-go Hitler became a sauer kraut.                          
                                                            
 9816 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Ellen Alaka         P9407



There was a young man, Mussolini,                           
Who found he had seven bambini.                             
He said, "If I thought                                      
That the griddle was hot,                                   
I'd never have put in the weenie!"                          
                                                            
 9817 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII                           L0948



The nefarious Nazi named Goebbels,                          
Once loaded his rectum with pebbles.                        
The slightest suspicion                                     
Of guilt or sedition,                                       
Found him farting a broadside at rebels.                    
                                                            
 9818 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII                           G1394



When a top-ranking Nazi was dead,                           
His stone showed, in letters bright red,                    
Quite simple and clear                                      
His completed career:                                       
Here lies Dr. Goebbels, it said.                            
                                                            
 9819 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Bill Backe-Hansen   P9409



"About Goebbles," observed Mr. Kieth,                       
"It's curious down underneath,                              
Since he was apprenticed                                    
To the Great Irredentist,                                   
That he should have had such bad teeth."                    
(irredentist - Italian party to regain lost territory)      
 9820 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       A. N. Wilkins       P8504



There was a fat German named Goering                        
Who was famous for very loud snoring.                       
Said his wife with much vex,                                
"It's better than sex                                       
Which with Herman is always so boring."                     
                                                            
 9821 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Harry Rubin         P9204



The former teutonic dictator                                
Wrote "My Struggle" (said a translator).                    
His diminutive nose                                         
Was the cause, I suppose,                                   
He became a obsessive Jew hater.                            
                                                            
 9822 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Professor                



The Fuhrer's head it was swirlin',                          
As he played a word game up in Berlin,                      
For sixteen games of Yahtzee,                               
Had confused this old Nazi,                                 
So 'twas word games, not books he was burnin'.              
                                                            
 9823 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Anon                     



There was a young lady of Maience,                          
Who bade Adolf Hitler defiance.                             
She'd lurk in dark halls,                                   
And nip at his balls,                                       
With a patent-applied-for appliance.                        
                                                            
 9824 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII                           L1475



Some tart, she was Austro-Hungarian,                        
Who called herself, strangely, an Aryan,                    
Got fucked by a gander,                                     
And bred the commander                                      
Of Germany.  Was he a scary 'un!                            
                                                            
 9825 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



The poor little sod had no knees,                           
Because he was half mensch half geese,                      
So off he would march                                       
With legs stiff as starch,                                  
And dick likewise, girls for to tease.                      
                                                            
 9826 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



The country's state he'd not endure;                        
A man like him must have a cure;                            
A dream such as this,                                       
Born of Heineken piss,                                      
Would truly come, with him the fuhrer.                      
                                                            
 9827 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



He learned to fly bombers like Stukas,                      
And take frauleins with big bazookas.                       
They'd pull out his paddle,                                 
Then it they would straddle,                                
And thought him a right proper fuka.                        
                                                            
 9828 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



Although he was unitesticular,                              
With girls he was none too particular,                      
And sport he'd engage in,                                   
With many a madchen                                         
Prone, supine or quite perpendicular.                       
                                                            
 9829 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



He liked it best up in the luft,                            
And many the girl there he stuffed,                         
But all his exertions,                                      
In willy immersions,                                        
Did never get one up the duft.                              
                                                            
 9830 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



One day he was up in a Heinkel,                             
And fancied the need for a teinkel,                         
He pissed out the door,                                     
It slammed! Was he sore!                                    
And Adolf lost half of his weinkel.                         
                                                            
 9831 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



Psychiatrists, most themselves sick,                        
Will tell you that with half a dick,                        
And one ball's traumatic;                                   
But being pragmatic,                                        
It's clear why he turned out a prick.                       
                                                            
 9832 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



Now all of the girls turned him down,                       
Refused his advance with a frown;                           
He made war instead                                         
Of love, now his bed,                                       
Held only his whore, Eva Braun.                             
                                                            
 9833 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



And that's why he grew a moustache,                         
To tickle that frau's foetid gash,                          
While she sucked what's left                                
Of his dick, sadly cleft,                                   
Demanding an oodle of cash.                                 
                                                            
 9834 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



Now pictures of men made him dampf,                         
His buttocks 'round dicks he would clampf;                  
Most often with Himmler,                                    
Whose tastes were quite simmler,                            
And Adolf soon called him "Mein Kampf."                     
                                                            
 9835 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



You all know it ended in tears;                             
He blew up the world for 6 years.                           
Till finally he'd hunker                                    
Down there in his bunker,                                   
And die, and the world gave three cheers.                   
                                                            
 9836 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



And so Hitler's dinger was shorn,                           
But no, it had not wholly gorn;  (gone in dialect)          
Genetic mutation                                            
In strong radiation,                                        
Was how Tony Blair soon was born.                           
                                                            
 9837 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Tiddy Ogg                



Adolph Hitler was monorchid;                                
A predicament often found awkward.                          
When an eight-dollar whore                                  
Started asking for more,                                    
He said, "I'm just half, so here's four quid."              
                                                            
 9838 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Hitler he had just one ball,                            
And Goering had two, very small.                            
And old Heinrich Himmler                                    
Was built very similar,                                     
While Goebbels had no balls at all.                         
                                                            
 9839 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII                                



Joseph Stalin secured his release                           
From the gulag by making his peace,                         
When the guy lost his nerve                                 
And consented to serve                                      
As a spy for the czarist police.                            
                                                            
 9840 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       A. N. Wilkins       P8909



Dear Sir:  I enjoy limerick style,                          
Where I used to live, we'd seldom smile.                    
To SIG, I say "Ja"                                          
For every "Ha-Ha"                                           
Yours truly, M. Bormann.  SIG Heil!                         
(SIG - Mensa Special Interest Group)                        
 9841 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Irving Superior     P8511



At a party with Pallas Athene,                              
I bumped into Fredrico Fellini.                             
He showed eight and a half,                                 
And said, "If you won't laugh,                              
Just wait 'til you see Mussolini."                          
                                                            
 9842 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Bill Wall                



At the seaside I saw Mussolini                              
Struggle into a tight brown bikini.                         
I said, "Hold tight, Benito,                                
This must spell finito;                                     
Now I've seen where you keep your zuccini."                 
                                                            
 9843 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Bill Wall                



Said a prominent lecherous Nazi,                            
"Our program may sound hotsy-totsy.                         
But a girl, when you diddle her,                            
Spreads her thighs with Heil Hitler!"                       
It all seems a little ersatzy.                              
                                                            
 9844 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII                           L1714



A tracked down old Nazi, von Kulit,                         
Insisted "You guys misconstrue it.                          
If I acted brutish                                          
Toward folks who were Jewish,                               
Believe me, my boss made me do it."                         
                                                            
 9845 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Evelyn Bogen        P9805



The rendering down of some Jews                             
Put Germans right up in the news.                           
Since then we have found                                    
It works all around,                                        
With Christians, Muslims and Hindoos.                       
                                                            
 9846 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII                                



While out on the banks of Loch Ness,                        
I was startled to see Rudolph Hess.                         
He shouted: "Who's won?"                                    
The ignorant Hun,                                           
I said: "You did, in the end, more or less."                
                                                            
 9847 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Jon Naismith        P0007



At Auschwitz, the Nazi, von Hainz,                          
In cutting up corpses took pains.                           
All the pussies were saved                                  
For his cohorts depraved --                                 
In the ovens he threw the remains.                          
                                                            
 9848 CELEBS - INFAMOUS - WWII       Albin Chaplin   3024-2882



"Come now", said Bell, "This is choice.                     
The first telephone!  Let's rejoice!                        
Now listen, folks all                                       
To the very first call."                                    
"Sorry, wrong number", said a voice.                        
                                                            
 9849 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Frank Richards           



'No Man is an Island' she trolled,                          
But she hadn't yet heard about old                          
Alexander G. Bell,                                          
So fat, I've heard tell,                                    
That for a tomb, the Bell wholed.                           
                                                            
 9850 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



When Alexander Graham Bell                                  
Invented his device nouvelle,                               
How could he know                                           
The great tide of woe,                                      
That telemarketing would swell.                             
                                                            
 9851 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Timothy Torkildson       



Alexander Graham Bell had a tizzy                           
And told Watson it all made him dizzy.                      
On that very first call                                     
Someone had the gall                                        
To tell him the circuit was busy.                           
                                                            
 9852 CELEBS - INVENTORS             A N Wilkins         P8811



I've dated my  phone, ninety-two;  <1892>                   
Shock, Horror, this cannot be true!                         
This fossiled old thing                                     
Still works with a string,                                  
And all held together with glue.                            
                                                            
 9853 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



When A. G. Bell the phone invented,                         
PRESS ONE, PRESS THREE was not intended.                    
"Your call's most import...                                 
You're next. Don't abort...                                 
Or get depressed and half demented.                         
                                                            
 9854 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Irving Superior     P9707



He expelled a most triumphant yell                          
Saying, "Ah, it's beginning to jell."                       
'Twas not thoughts of his prize                             
Which brought stars to his eyes.                            
"DYN-O-MITE," exclaimed Alfred Nobel!                       
                                                            
 9855 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9201



Young Nobel, Swedish by birth,                              
Found a use for diatomaceous earth.                         
Mixed with nitro, it jells                                  
And like hot-cakes, it sells.                               
Can you imagine what Nobel is worth?                        
                                                            
 9856 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Mervyn Cripps collection 



I have an invention to test;                                
It looks like an upside-down vest.                          
A turbine in back,                                          
A stub for your crack.                                      
One powers the other.  Impressed?                           
                                                            
 9857 CELEBS - INVENTORS             H Welchel                



A platinum catalist converter                               
Shall serve as a stink-smell subverter.                     
A nickel-chrome squib                                       
Ignites from a nib                                          
That thwarts the backflash: a diverter.                     
                                                            
 9858 CELEBS - INVENTORS             H Welchel                



I promise it won't singe your twat,                         
Just spin that sweet stub in your slot.                     
Forget things of man!                                       
You'll come all you can.                                    
And fart till your comer is shot!                           
                                                            
 9859 CELEBS - INVENTORS             H Welchel                



I'll bring it tonight for a test.                           
We'll have us a poot-tastic fest.                           
So save us some beans                                       
For my fart-fuck machine.                                   
It's strictly reserved for the best.                        
                                                            
 9860 CELEBS - INVENTORS             H Welchel                



I'm impressed by the odd way you think;                     
Your invention shows you're on the brink                    
Of insanity's pit.                                          
You're crazy as shit!                                       
You don't have much farther to sink.                        
                                                            
 9861 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Karen                    



I come from a long line of liars.                           
Both grand-dads were Civil War fliers.                      
Dad wrote 'War And Peace'                                   
Plus he costarred in 'Grease',                              
And my uncle invented the pliers.                           
                                                            
 9862 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Michael Weinstein        



There was a designer named Fred,                            
In theory was very well read.                               
He had made a new poker,                                    
But design mediocre.                                        
When you used it, the embers went dead.                     
                                                            
 9863 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Albin Chaplin            



There once was a fellow named Green                         
Whose inventions you may not have seen --                   
'Cause he was undone                                        
And all 'cause of one                                       
Dysfunctional flying machine!                               
                                                            
 9864 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Monique de Plume         



A jaded old lesbian stripper                                
Invented a testicle gripper;                                
A tong-like device,                                         
She'd produce in a trice,                                   
At the sound of a gentleman's zipper.                       
                                                            
 9865 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



Ben Franklin, our elder statesman:                          
Today his writings Boston would ban.                        
In the dark cats are gray;                                  
(And he liked it that way);                                 
Ben Franklin was a dirty old man.                           
                                                            
 9866 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Marlene                  



It was Benjamin Franklin who said,                          
"A pillow case over her head                                
Makes every damn dame                                       
Exactly the same,                                           
Once you have her laid out on the bed."                     
                                                            
 9867 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Grand Prix Lim  741      



Some colleagues thought Franklin was right,                 
Some others were ready to fight;                            
And then one of them said,                                  
"Ben, you're out of your head,                              
Why don't you just go fly a kite!"                          
                                                            
 9868 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Evelyn Bogen        P9506



Mr Franklin was flying his kite,                            
In the midst of a dark stormy night.                        
"It's for science," he said,                                
And he went on ahead.                                       
Now he's generally thought of as bright?                    
                                                            
 9869 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tillmanator              



Advised his illegitimate son                                
"Best mistress, an older woman.                             
They will not be hateful                                    
Because they're so grateful."                               
His advice was so clearly homespun.                         
                                                            
 9870 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



To build a better one, I'm told,                            
Would fill up my pockets with gold.                         
But this simple contraption,                                
Not apt for adaption.                                       
What secret does the mouse-catcher hold?                    
                                                            
 9871 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Ron Sartain              



That zany old man Mr. Bean                                  
Proceeded a mirror to clean.                                
Then to office did take,                                    
Photocopy to make;                                          
Now he has his own Xerox machine.                           
                                                            
 9872 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Friar                    



Exposing his plate to the air,                              
Did its clever inventor declare,                            
"C'est venue - ma photo,                                    
Complete en toto -                                          
C'est magnifique - Je suis Daguerre!"                       
                                                            
 9873 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Joyce Johnson            



A noted inventor named Dan                                  
Proceeded according to plan                                 
To construct a device                                       
At a moderate price,                                        
For deflecting the shit from the fan.                       
                                                            
 9874 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2006



This scheme for recording folks' voices,                    
Mr. Edison, bold as your choice is,                         
I think you're at risk                                      
Putting wax on your disc --                                 
We could hear most inelegant noises!                        
                                                            
 9875 CELEBS - INVENTORS             John E Maywood           



Eli Whitney, your shame is unthinkable;                     
Your fortune will never be Brinkable.                       
Have you not cottoned on?                                   
Your invention is gone!                                     
The gin you produced is undrinkable!                        
                                                            
 9876 CELEBS - INVENTORS             John E Maywood           



Eli Whitney's prognosis was spot-on:                        
He invented the gin to tease cotton.                        
His rivals quite blatant-                                   
ly ignored his patent,                                      
And Eli was robbed something rotten.                        
                                                            
 9877 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Peter Brooks             



The ingenious inventor Von Phlitte                          
All mankind did well benefit.                               
This redoubtable man                                        
Invented a fan                                              
Which could not be hit by the shit.                         
                                                            
 9878 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2231



There was an inventor named Percy                           
Who labored amidst controversy;                             
To convert, he did state,                                   
The gnarled finger of fate                                  
To the wand of the Angel of Mercy.                          
                                                            
 9879 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2745



There was an old man of the Hague,                          
Whose ideas were excessively vague;                         
He built a balloon                                          
To examine the moon,                                        
But focused on a shapely young leg.                         
                                                            
 9880 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Edwardian Leer 063       



The toymakers make the fast buck                            
With weapons of war and such muck.                          
But one man we should mention                               
Did oppose the convention                                   
By inventing a doll what would fuck.                        
                                                            
 9881 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1977



The toymakers started anew                                  
With weapons of war as they do.                             
But one man, we must mention,                               
Went against the convention                                 
By inventing a doll that would screw.                       
                                                            
 9882 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1929



Goodyear was a man who loved plastic,                       
But its softness made him do something drastic.             
He said, "I do realize                                      
That if I vulcanize,                                        
I will have something known as elastic.                     
                                                            
 9883 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



There was a young man of Mobile                             
Who claimed he'd invented the wheel.                        
He would run off and fetch                                  
The original sketch,                                        
But he failed in his case on appeal.                        
                                                            
 9884 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Roger Morris             



Isaac Singer (you probably know)                            
Had a wish that his business would grow;                    
But inventors before him                                    
A few grudges bore him,                                     
And thought him a bad sew-and-sew.                          
                                                            
 9885 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Peter Brooks             



Leonardo da Vinci's last scrawls                            
Mirror fashion on lavatory walls,                           
And discovered today                                        
Near the Vatican say:                                       
".sllab ym htiw ereh deyalp asiL anoM"                      
                                                            
 9886 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Peter Wilkins            



There once was a man who thought ProCoS                     
Was utter complete hocus-pocus.                             
He designed a gas burner                                    
While only a learner;                                       
He ended up like Diplodocus.                                
                                                            
 9887 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Jonathan Bowen           



On this date was born Louis Braille,  (fifth of January)    
A man who helped lift a dark veil;                          
With his special wisdom,                                    
Developed a system                                          
For blind folk to read their black mail!                    
                                                            
 9888 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Observer                 



Here's something you may not have knowed:                   
It started as battlefield code.                             
For signals at night                                        
That needed no light                                        
To read...but it failed in this mode.                       
                                                            
 9889 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



A general said, "This stuff is phooey!                      
We don't want this kind of thing, do we?                    
But I'd got a mate                                          
Who'll think it is great."                                  
And she showed the idea to our Louis.                       
                                                            
 9890 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



So now there's this system of dots,                         
Which helps us blind critters a lot.                        
We map the tumescence                                       
On poor adolescents,                                        
And figure who's who by the spots.                          
                                                            
 9891 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



Luther Burbank took his prime orange,                       
Plus spices, salt, sugar and syringe,                       
Injected his sphere                                         
With what he had here,                                      
Baked all in a 'lectrical range.                            
                                                            
 9892 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Kim Goldsworthy     P8411



An agent, a fifteen percenter,                              
Represented a small time inventor.                          
He invented an item                                         
That sold ad infinitum.                                     
The agent's now an experimenter.                            
                                                            
 9893 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a mad scientist from Prague                       
Who made a plane from an old log.                           
He made wings from some rocks,                              
And the fuel was pork hocks,                                
And as a pilot he hired a tree frog.                        
                                                            
 9894 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



Some day they will surely invent                            
A balloon that is made of cement;                           
A nice teeter totter                                        
Just made out of water,                                     
And rules that can never be bent.                           
                                                            
 9895 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Timothy Torkildson       



There was an Old Person of Sparta,                          
Who had twenty-five sons and one daughter.                  
He fed them on snails,                                      
And weighed them on scales,                                 
And invented a high density, energy saving, double action,  
Ball bearing, single cavity, gas turbine starter.           
 9896 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Edwardian Leer 078       



Marconi, whose ardor was tireless,                          
Sat down and invented the wireless,                         
Which makes it less tough                                   
For the musical buff                                        
Who lives in a town that is choir-less.                     
                                                            
 9897 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Stanley J. Sharpless     



One hundred exact years ago,                                
With crude spark transmitter, Marco-                        
Ni spanned the Atlantic.                                    
But now I am frantic:                                       
Just how in the world did he know?                          
                                                            
 9898 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



A smart man like you, would you care;                       
So now with his secret I'll share.                          
Sent the signal by gull                                     
Who across ocean did skull,                                 
And was waiting when said spark got there.                  
                                                            
 9899 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tony Burrell             



A plumber who lived in East Dene                            
Designed an unusual latrine.                                
When seated, you found                                      
It emitted no sound;                                        
When you rose, it played 'God Save The Queen'.              
                                                            
 9900 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



Both Phillips and Fillister said,                           
"Lately screwing is something to dread.                     
We need more incentive;"                                    
And being inventive,                                        
Discovered two new kinds of head.                           
                                                            
 9901 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Pierce Evans             



I've a new gadget here in my store,                         
For those telephonically bored;                             
No more phone bell's riot;                                  
You'll have peace and quiet,                                
With my super deluxe phoneless cord.                        
                                                            
 9902 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



Ingenious, inventive young Schlepper                        
In things electronic was hepper.                            
He produced an entensor                                     
With tubes and condenser,                                   
Which could pick out the flyspecks from pepper.             
                                                            
 9903 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2783



The steamboat which Fulton invented                         
And sailing men fully resented,                             
Offended his wife                                           
Who exclaimed "On my life,                                  
Your steam is so horribly scented!"                         
                                                            
 9904 CELEBS - INVENTORS             John E Maywood           



So Fulton explained: "That is true.                         
But the steam drives the shaft, turns the screw,            
Which is what makes her go!"                                
His wife answered: "I know --                               
But I ought to explain that to you!"                        
                                                            
 9905 CELEBS - INVENTORS             John E Maywood           



An ancestral man said "I feel,                              
These hand carts don't give a square deal.                  
They roll down a slope,                                     
Should you let go the rope.                                 
I think I'll invent the square wheel.                       
                                                            
 9906 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



Ben Franklin flew a kite at Fort Pitt                       
Producing sparks, sputters, and a spit.                     
Scholars lauded him;                                        
People applauded him;                                       
Thomas Edison made light of it.                             
                                                            
 9907 CELEBS - INVENTORS             David E. Sees            



The theme, so they say, is Folk Medicent.                   
I don't know a lot, so I'm reticent                         
To say what I know                                          
And thus steal the show.                                    
I'm inventive, just like Thomas Edicent.                    
                                                            
 9908 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Al Willis           P9807



A virile inventor named Pruitt                              
Has dreamed up a new way to do it.                          
"Do what?" you may ask.                                     
Why, to rise to the task!                                   
Said his girl with a smirk, "To unscrew it!"                
                                                            
 9909 CELEBS - INVENTORS             John E Maywood           



Waygood and Otis, men of renown,                            
When skyscrapers first came to town,                        
Brokers needed chairs                                       
After climbing those stairs;                                
W & O make them go up and down.                             
                                                            
 9910 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tony Burrell             



When Orville and Wilbur -- that's Wright,                   
Form Kittyhawk made the first flight,                       
A whore down below                                          
Said, "First flight?  Oh no!                                
They both got it up late last night."                       
                                                            
 9911 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Travis Brasell           



Said Wilbur Wright, "Oh, this is grand,                     
But Orville, you must understand.                           
We've discovered all right                                  
The secret of flight,                                       
The question is: How do we land?"                           
                                                            
 9912 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Frank Richards      P9911



The Wright Brothers, dreaming of levity,                    
Made a flight of nonsensical brevity.                       
The engine's bad shudder                                    
Was caused by the rudder,                                   
And threatened the couple's longevity.                      
                                                            
 9913 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Peter Brooks             



Said Wilbur to Orville, "Let's fly it!"                     
Said Orville to Wilbur, "Let's try it!"                     
But they'd each gained a pound,                             
Never got off the ground.                                   
Said Wilbur to Orville, "Let's diet!"                       
                                                            
 9914 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Jolinda V. Whittle  P9208



Two brothers devised what at sight                          
Seemed a bicycle crossed with a kite.                       
They predicted--rash pair!--                                
It would fly through the air--                              
And what do you know?  They were Wright!                    
                                                            
 9915 CELEBS - INVENTORS                                      



Said a young astronaut, Wilbur Wright,                      
"We can't fly to the sun, it's too bright!"                 
Said Orville, his sibling,                                  
"There's no sense in quibbling;                             
No problem, we'll just go at night!"                        
                                                            
 9916 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Observer           TP9901



Said Orville to Wilbur, "Hold tight!                        
We're going to make our first flight.                       
The ground we whall shift off,                              
Hurrah!  We have lift-off!"                                 
And both of the brothers were Wright.                       
                                                            
 9917 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Stanley J. Sharpless     



Two earnest young fellow named Wright,                      
Discovered the secret of flight.                            
Now an earnest young crew                                   
On a B-52                                                   
Can wipe out the world overnight.                           
                                                            
 9918 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Basil Ransome-Davies     



Once Wilbur and Orville took flight,                        
And rose in their motorized kite,                           
Up in the blue yonder,                                      
But would they, I ponder,                                   
Had mother not met Mr Wright.                               
                                                            
 9919 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



I'm sorry that poor Mrs Wright                              
Saw her sons float so far out of sight.                     
But an affair going wrong,                                  
Saw Will and "O" born;                                      
The father was old Farmer White.                            
                                                            
 9920 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Tiddy Ogg                



An eager inventor named Jones                               
Was reduced to loud sobbing and moans.                      
He'd devised X-ray glasses                                  
To study clothed lasses,                                    
But all he could see was their bones.                       
                                                            
 9921 CELEBS - INVENTORS             Isaac Asimov             



Godzilla was not very scary,                                
And I know that the story does vary.                        
But it was my wish                                          
That he'd eat more than fish,                               
Like maybe some cows from the dairy.                        
                                                            
 9922 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Fredrico Albana          



I once saw the film called Godzilla;                        
It wasn't that much of a thrilla.                           
The monsters were good;                                     
The actors were wood.                                       
At the end, why did they have to kill 'er?                  
                                                            
 9923 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Jayne King               



Science fiction films were Japan's fun,                     
And the money rolled in by the ton.                         
They plan soon to release                                   
An historical piece,                                        
Their great epic, "Godzilla the Hun."                       
                                                            
 9924 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0011



Jaws was a nasty big shark,                                 
With eyes mean and beady and dark.                          
He ate many men                                             
Who swam into his den,                                      
And his bite was much worse than his bark.                  
                                                            
 9925 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Jayne                    



Jaws was a box office hit;                                  
When I first saw it, I couldn't sit.                        
Behind the sofa I hid,                                      
(I was only a kid)                                          
But now I am not scared a bit.                              
                                                            
 9926 CELEBS - MONSTERS                                       



Vampires are boring despite                                 
Their everynight blood-feasting rite.                       
Of the horror flicks best                                   
(I've conducted the test)                                   
The JAWS -- real movie with bite.                           
                                                            
 9927 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Nikita                   



With Hyde and Jekyll laid to rest,                          
Which epitaph would be the best?                            
GOOD or BAD. Either could.                                  
Compromise -- MOSTLY GOOD..                                 
"I'll drink to that," said R.L.S.                           
                                                            
 9928 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Irving Superior     P8702



The Jekyll/Hyde book I've re-read;                          
The plot keeps absorbing my head.                           
Since then I have tested,                                   
In potions invested...                                      
(Guess who wrote this crummy last line?)                    
                                                            
 9929 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Irving Superior     P9912



The servant of Jekyll then sees                             
This Hyde using Doc Jekyll's keys.                          
To Jekyll (not Hyde),                                       
"All bullshit aside,                                        
Since TWO of you, TWO salaries."                            
                                                            
 9930 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Irving Superior     P9912



Said Jekyll "Though Hyde is a rat,                          
He must have access to my flat."                            
"Then, Sir, double pay                                      
Till he goes away."                                         
To which Jekyll, "I'll drink to that."                      
                                                            
 9931 CELEBS - MONSTERS              Irving Superior     P9912



Whether Hyde is ascendant, or Jekyll,                       
I'm generally not one to heckle                             
Yet must label as tripe                                     
Such a stereotype                                           
(And it wasn't a buck, but a shekel)                        
                                                            
 9932 CELEBS - MONSTERS                                       



King Kong was a gorilla -- great and strong.                
Faye Ray was some starlet done wrong.                       
Still, we knew all along                                    
He'd respond to her song,                                   
'Cause she fit so well in her sarong.                       
                                                            
 9933 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Lynn Mostafa             



Don't be so shy, darling Fay;                               
A kiss would so brighten his day,                           
And provide him distraction                                 
From smashin' and crashin',                                 
Enough so we can all RUN AWAY!                              
                                                            
 9934 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Karen                    



Fierce looking King Kong, people say,                       
Was really quite gentle at play.                            
But he met his sad fate                                     
High atop Empire State                                      
Because he played too rough with Fay Wray.                  
                                                            
 9935 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Evelyn Bogen        P9409



At Christmas, the big ape King Kong,                        
Sang carols clad in a sarong.                               
But all of his neighbors                                    
Would brandish their sabers,                                
For he got all the choruses wrong.                          
                                                            
 9936 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Christine Brim           



Larger than life, here's King Kong,                         
A monster of legend and song.                               
A big movie star                                            
I've loved from afar,                                       
Forever and ever so long.                                   
                                                            
 9937 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Kiss                     



When the heroine was fucking King Kong,                     
And found lubricant for his great dong,                     
She thought that it was spittle,                            
She's not in the hospital--                                 
It seems she was horribly wrong.                            
                                                            
 9938 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG                      G2389



These limericks about old King Kong                         
Remind me; most people are wrong.                           
Your average gorilla                                        
Is no lady killa;                                           
Any man has a far bigger dong!                              
                                                            
 9939 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  John Miller              



You forgot something here, my dear John;                    
No average gorilla, our Kong.                               
Mere men can't compare                                      
With a monster so rare;                                     
King Kong is the King of the Schlong!                       
                                                            
 9940 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Karen                    



May I lounge on your leathery palm?                         
You Kingly salami salaam?                                   
My favorite Ape!                                            
'Long your lingam I'll drape,                               
And in time learn to feel no alarm!                         
                                                            
 9941 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Anon                     



Sweet u r Fay ray, then sum.                                
Pray kin me fingar your bum?                                
Me harry-ass palm                                           
Will do u no halm.                                          
What's that?  Kin u fit on me thum?                         
                                                            
 9942 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  King Kong                



No -- slowly -- that's better -- now sliiiide it.           
Let me put my feet here while I riiiiide it.                
Now beat on your chest,                                     
Let the vibes do the rest,                                  
Oh My God, if I hadn't tried it!                            
                                                            
 9943 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Anon                     



Yur me thumbalina fer shur.                                 
Me hope yur sweet twat kin endure.                          
Me twenty fut dong                                          
For me am the KONG,                                         
An u r so tiny and pure.                                    
                                                            
 9944 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Kong                     



A bigger dong?  Is that true?                               
Can I compare Kong and you?                                 
But there 'waits a mob                                      
Ripe for a hand job                                         
From King of the Apes 'stead a screw.                       
                                                            
 9945 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Arden                    



I think that she's spotted Godzilla                         
And seen his superior 'filla'.                              
Though Kong has a schlong                                   
That's a good two feet long,                                
It's the lizard she's wanting to till her...                
                                                            
 9946 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG                           



Said the gorilla as he eyed the fair lassie                 
With the classiest curvaceous chassis,                      
"My Pop carried Fay                                         
Up a building to play,                                      
But I'll lay this one here on the grassy."                  
                                                            
 9947 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  June Sullivan       P8408



King Kong was extremely well hung,                          
And sadly a hero, unsung.                                   
The girls, they did giggle                                  
When they saw his wiggle,                                   
But gasped when he punctured a lung.                        
                                                            
 9948 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG                           



Said Fay Wray to that old King Kong,                        
"I think you have got this all wrong.                       
I may be a tart,                                            
But you'd split me apart                                    
If I tried to get up on your dong!"                         
                                                            
 9949 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Tony Burrell             



I think that I favor King Kong;                             
I'm big and I'm hairy and strong.                           
My armpits they smell;                                      
My crotch stinks like hell.                                 
My breath doesn't hum, it a song!                           
                                                            
 9950 CELEBS - MONSTERS - KING KONG  Jeanie                   



Ginger Rogers and suave Fred Astaire,                       
Made one hell of a fine dancing pair.                       
She had such sex appeal,                                    
But did he cop a feel?                                      
But of course not!  The Thirties were square!               
                                                            
 9951 CELEBS - MOVIES                Isaac Asimov             



He GINGERly waltzed her around,                             
In time with the rhythmical sound.                          
She paused on A STAIR,                                      
And let down her hair:                                      
And rocked in coitus unbound!                               
                                                            
 9952 CELEBS - MOVIES                Mark Levy           P9507



I went to the movies last night.                            
Hope the Blair Witch would give me a fright.                
Did I get a scare...no!                                     
'Cause I didn't care fo                                     
Those kids and their terrible plight.                       
                                                            
 9953 CELEBS - MOVIES                                         



Heather I thought was a bitch.                              
I would gladly feed her to the witch.                       
As for Josh and Mike,                                       
Neither one did I like.                                     
Still, they're making the film makers rich.                 
                                                            
 9954 CELEBS - MOVIES                                         



I didn't feel happy at all                                  
When they passed over Lauren Bacall.                        
If Bogey'd been there,                                      
He'd have picked up chair,                                  
Broke a window, and started a brawl.                        
                                                            
 9955 CELEBS - MOVIES                Larry Hollister          



Frustrated as God-only-knows,                               
Bugs Bunny is twitching his nose;                           
His feet are a-thumping,                                    
While dreaming of humping                                   
The rumps of a million nice does.                           
                                                            
 9956 CELEBS - MOVIES                Peter Wilkins            



Though Gable was well disciplined,                          
With Vivien, he farted and grinned.                         
The farting left Vivien                                     
In a state of oblivion,                                     
So Vivien was Gone With The Wind.                           
                                                            
 9957 CELEBS - MOVIES                Albin Chaplin   3024-1200



Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman split.                         
I heard it's 'cause he's a nit-wit.                         
He cheated, I say.                                          
He's gay anyway --                                          
This straight act ain't to legit!                           
                                                            
 9958 CELEBS - MOVIES                                         



There was a young man from Gloucester,                      
Who had sex with Jodie Foster.                              
Lecter wouldn't forgive her                                 
And ate the guys liver;                                     
The performance then won him an Oscar.                      
                                                            
 9959 CELEBS - MOVIES                Anon                     



The hero of this rather silly                               
New movie's a low-life from Chile.                          
But the heroine -- my!                                      
She's as high as the sky --                                 
A blue blood Main Liner from Philly.                        
                                                            
 9960 CELEBS - MOVIES                Laurence Perrine    P8803



A young nephew of Heck Berlioz                              
Was inept when he tried to compose.                         
He said, "Uncle, it's clear                                 
That I don't have your ear.                                 
All I've got is your long pointed nose."                    
                                                            
 9961 CELEBS - MOVIES                William Nesbit      P0112



As she swallowed her fifth jellied eel,                     
Said, "I know how Linda Lovelace must feel."                
But the sixth eel was limp                                  
So she swallowed a shrimp.                                  
She now stars in prawn movies in Deal.                      
                                                            
 9962 CELEBS - MOVIES                Bill Wall                



For a movie in which an old grunt                           
Finds a waitress who softens his front,                     
And whose oneness with pets                                 
Is as good as it gets;                                      
There were Oscars for Nicholson, Hunt!                      
                                                            
 9963 CELEBS - MOVIES                Prof M-G                 



The Oscar awards, to be frank,                              
Go entirely into the tank,                                  
When each winning producer                                  
Turns naptime-inducer                                       
Beginning with "I'd like to thank..."                       
                                                            
 9964 CELEBS - MOVIES                Larry Hollister          



There once was a private named Ryan;                        
His brothers, they were all a-dyin'.                        
To search, they did strive at                               
And saved Ryan's privates;                                  
Rebuilding his family, he's tryin'!                         
                                                            
 9965 CELEBS - MOVIES                Sean Curtis              



At East Lansing the students for kicks                      
Are displaying their cunts and their pricks,                
To the prexy's distress;                                    
So he's moved to suppress                                   
Their showing of homemade skin flicks.                      
                                                            
 9966 CELEBS - MOVIES                A. N. Wilkins       P8607



Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer                       
Were a nun and a captain one summer...                      
Till kids' song inspired love,                              
Nazi push became shove,                                     
And they marched to the refugee's drummer.                  
                                                            
 9967 CELEBS - MOVIES                Prof M-G                 



I think it would be real groovy                             
If I could be in a movie;                                   
A leading role                                              
Would be my goal,                                           
Surrounded by air-headed floozies.                          
                                                            
 9968 CELEBS - MOVIES                Puff Adder               



I think t'would be easy to act                              
Like a guy who's a little bit cracked.                      
I'd just be                                                 
Little old me;                                              
My instability's a well known fact.                         
                                                            
 9969 CELEBS - MOVIES                Puff Adder               



I'd play the celebrity game;                                
Show that I had no shame.                                   
Drive fancy cars;                                           
Vacation at spa's;                                          
I'd really savor my fame.                                   
                                                            
 9970 CELEBS - MOVIES                Puff Adder               



I'd have a mansion so large,                                
For me and my entourage.                                    
An Olympic sized pool,                                      
An obsequious fool,                                         
To give me an ego massage.                                  
                                                            
 9971 CELEBS - MOVIES                Puff Adder               



I'd become a friend to the President,                       
And advise him of my sentiments.                            
I'd really speak out                                        
And not worry about                                         
How the taxpayers money was spent.                          
                                                            
 9972 CELEBS - MOVIES                Puff Adder               



I'd have a series of wives                                  
And mistresses on the side.                                 
I can handle                                                
Any great scandal,                                          
By spinning a good web of lies.                             
                                                            
 9973 CELEBS - MOVIES                Puff Adder               



When comes that certain time                                
That I am long past my prime,                               
I think that I will                                         
Become a shill                                              
And work for the Psychic Hot Line!                          
                                                            
 9974 CELEBS - MOVIES                Puff Adder               



Though good B movies oft entertain                          
And the A ones aren't hard to explain,                      
How'd the AFI's test                                        
Make two C movies best?                                     
Casablanca and Citizen Kane.                                
                                                            
 9975 CELEBS - MOVIES                Prof M-G           TP9806



"The Third Man" was a film made to tease.                   
It was fraught with achromatic sleaze.                      
It kept us in a dither                                      
To the notes of a zither,                                   
As O. Welles ticked us with "Lime" disease.                 
                                                            
 9976 CELEBS - MOVIES                Loren Fitzhugh      P0108



I saw Three Kings last night,                               
The bombs and bullets did smite,                            
They humped and they swore;                                 
Took the gold out the door,                                 
And the Arabs were in a bad plight.                         
                                                            
 9977 CELEBS - MOVIES                                         



In a movie called Wizard of Oz,                             
Tin-Man's joints and emotions are froz,                     
Till they oil every part;                                   
He discovers his heart,                                     
And the witch who is wicked ..now was.                      
                                                            
 9978 CELEBS - MOVIES                Observer                 



My friends, I am here to tell you                           
That Bardot is one marvelous screw.                         
Deneuve isn't bad                                           
(Except when she's sad)                                     
And Jane Fonda is pretty good too.                          
                                                            
 9979 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Not Roger Vadim     P8604



Miss Anna Marie Albergett'                                  
Had sex after eating spaghett'.                             
She told my friend Vito                                     
She'd sooner that he go;                                    
He still hadn't come in her yet.                            
                                                            
 9980 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



Our sweet southern belle, Ashley Judd,                      
Has beauty and brains in her blood.                         
She's both roses and pearls,                                
And when we Kiss the Girls,                                 
If we're lucky, she'll show us her bud.                     
                                                            
 9981 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori Press             



"Dear Father, I have a confession...                        
I'll start with my favorite impression                      
Of Barbra and Cher                                          
And Garland so fair,"                                       
Said Joe at his therapy session!                            
                                                            
 9982 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Marvin                   



The cute girls, it seems, are on cable,                     
Or movies, or stage, wearing sable.                         
You see, it's like this:                                    
I just reminisce,                                           
And I still adore Miss Betty Grable.                        
                                                            
 9983 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Al Willis           P9712



There was a film maker named Crandall,                      
Who frequently flew off the handle.                         
His leading lady, a blonde                                  
From the film did abscond.                                  
Financially, she could not face scandal.                    
                                                            
 9984 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arthur Pattaffy          



If her wrath you would have as your fate,                   
There's one word with Bo Derek to bait.                     
What just pisses off Bo,                                    
When you're near, whisper low,                              
In her ear say, "Bo, dear, urinate."                        
                                                            
 9985 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Bob Giandomenico    P0112



While flicking my Bic Christmas Eve,                        
I dreamed of the things I'd receive.                        
Two derricks to go -                                        
One oil and one Bo.                                         
I've a yen for a ten, I believe.                            
(in a Bic flicking limerick contest)                        
 9986 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arthur Deex              



A lovely young actress named Bo                             
Is trim from her head to her toe.                           
She's proved she's a Ten                                    
Again and again,                                            
As she and John rake in the dough.                          
                                                            
 9987 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori Press             



If upon triple wishes I'd come,                             
I'd think hard before I'd succumb:                          
Two Derricks to go --                                       
One oil and one Bo.                                         
With my third wish I'd wish something dumb.                 
                                                            
 9988 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arthur Deex         P9101



Our mademoiselle is Brigitte                                
Who proved that a sexy and sweet                            
Young lady from France,                                     
By doffing her pants,                                       
Can keep the whole world at her feet.                       
                                                            
 9989 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Sartori                  



The life of a fellow named Blaire                           
Was devoted to good deeds and prayer.                       
His reward when he died                                     
Left him transmogrified                                     
As a crab on Brooke Shield's snatch hair.                   
                                                            
 9990 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Michael Weinstein   P8601



I am seven years old, and adore you!                        
There is nothing I wouldn't do for you!                     
In five years, I'm sure                                     
I'll be potent and pure.                                    
Please wait for me, dear, I implore you!                    
(Brooke Shields fan letter)                                 
 9991 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Laurence Perrine    P8607



There was a young actress named Trish,                      
Who's considered by some, quite a dish.                     
Her first view on the screen                                
Was considered obscene;                                     
Her career came to an end -- in a swish!                    
                                                            
 9992 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arthur Pattaffy          



The star of that X-rated hit                                
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.                   
This serves as a palace                                     
For each turgid phallus--                                   
Some say that the plot is pure shit.                        
(the movie 'Deep Throat' with Linda Lovelace)               
 9993 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                           G0857



A sexy young actress, Demi,                                 
Has made her "Disclosure" that she                          
Prefers to bed Bruce,                                       
But gives no excuse                                         
For playing "Striptease" zestfully.                         
                                                            
 9994 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Sartori                  



Though Demi's near over the hill,                           
That woman still gives me a thrill,                         
At night when I'm dreaming                                  
And otherwise scheming,                                     
To show her my love-making skill.                           
                                                            
 9995 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Observer                 



On this date was born Demi Moore,                           
An actress I truly adore.                                   
This favorite of mine                                       
Is now thirty-nine,                                         
And her bod takes my mind off the war.                      
                                                            
 9996 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Observer                 



I hear that she hails from Roswell,                         
Which I find of interest 'cause, well --                    
If it's alien genes                                         
And not sugical means,                                      
Would you call her a "natural" bra-swell?                   
                                                            
 9997 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Dr Limerick              



Now what you say may be true;                               
It's something that I will persue.                          
I'll write her a letter                                     
And try hard to get her                                     
To permit a closer review.                                  
                                                            
 9998 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Observer                 



The G rated film, "Pocahontas"                              
Was produced by those saying they want us                   
To renew our values,                                        
Therefore revenues.                                         
Let them foist off one more hoax upon us.                   
                                                            
 9999 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



Have you heard about Dorothy Lamour,                        
Whose lovers got fewer and fewer?                           
When ask why she lost 'em,                                  
She said, "I defrost 'em.                                   
I guess I'm not made for a whore."                          
                                                            
10000 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                           L1025



A lovely young lady named Drew                              
Can stir up a hullabaloo.                                   
Her opening line                                            
Has the bang of a mine;                                     
"Hey guy, want to see my tattoo?"                           
                                                            
10001 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori                   



A child star who's named Barrymore,                         
Drank too much liquor before                                
She became a teen --                                        
I think it's obscene --                                     
But she finally evened the score.                           
                                                            
10002 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Julie Wiskirchen         



Eight cops, nine lawyers, and a sailor,                     
An army brigade, Norman Mailer;                             
Weren't the least bit ashamed                               
When each one had claimed                                   
To have married Elizabeth Taylor.                           
                                                            
10003 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Tom Patton          P9507



A young girl, fed up with ho-hummers,                       
Looked for elk, and took on all comers.                     
She made love to them all,                                  
From spring until fall;                                     
Yes, those were the real elk-y summers.                     
                                                            
10004 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Actaeon                  



There once was a girl named Lolita,                         
Who liked to sip shots of tequila.                          
She would drink it all day,                                 
Through the whole month of May,                             
While watching old tapes of "Evita".                        
                                                            
10005 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Shirl Phelps             



On Streisand's odd sampan, "The Pearl,"                     
They use sacking for canvas to nerl,                        
So when they set anchor,                                    
And haul in the spanker,                                    
It's a hoot to see her gunny furl.                          
                                                            
10006 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Bob Giandomenico    P9812



If backward to youth we could journey,                      
For Hollywood actresses yearn we.                           
(Though "yearn we" is crude,                                
How else to conclude)                                       
The GENE I would splice was Gene Tierney.                   
                                                            
10007 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Irving Superior     P9403



From C.O.R.E. comes a chorus of moans.                      
The Urban League will clog the phones.                      
The black folk will rise                                    
With fire in their eyes,                                    
If Ten of spades would be Grace Jones.                      
(C.O.R.E. - Congress of Racial Equality)                    
10008 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Larry Davis         P8712



She was a most beauteous Swede;                             
Good speech was her definite need.                          
Without her mouth marble,                                   
Thus not Greta GARBLE,                                      
Then, as Garbo, she went on to succeed.                     
                                                            
10009 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Norm                     



Have you seen Greta Garbo's new clone?                      
Has a voice that sounds liquid in tone.                     
All the men stay at bay                                     
Because all she will say                                    
Is, "Go vay, I vant to be alone."                           
                                                            
10010 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Tom Patton          P0112



Greta Garbo with her low pitched tone                       
Would excite the erogenous zone.                            
The men would all croon                                     
And the women would swoon,                                  
When she said, "I vant to be alone."                        
                                                            
10011 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Thomas M. Patton    P9712



I've always loved women named Haley.                        
(Miss Mills had me wanking thrice daily.)                   
And still, to this day,                                     
At syllable Ha,                                             
I reach for my taught ukelele.                              
                                                            
10012 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



When I was but a lad in my teens,                           
Hayley M. was the girl of my dreams.                        
Along with Annette,                                         
A rise they would get,                                      
When they danced on the Silver Screen.                      
                                                            
10013 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



Reincarnation, for me,                                      
A blessing would certainly be.                              
If I came back                                              
Hung on a rack                                              
As bathrobe to Halle Berry.                                 
                                                            
10014 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Timothy Torkildson       



When young, Hedy could make men crave,                      
And most would all objections waive,                        
For the chance that the sap                                 
Might get in her lap,                                       
Though it might include a good shave.                       
                                                            
10015 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Chris Papa               



But old tempus fugit's for all.                             
First Vic Mature answered the call.                         
Now Hedy the fair,                                          
Let's hope they're both where                               
Samson and friend can have a ball.                          
                                                            
10016 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Chris Papa               



The Fondas all act, and now Jane                            
Has entered the cable domain.                               
In sexy dance clothes,                                      
She made videos,                                            
But you'll never hear Teddy complain.                       
                                                            
10017 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori                   



When out for a spin in my Honda,                            
I find it intriguing to ponda                               
The question: Would Red                                     
Have more fun in bed                                        
If the gorgeous Jane Fonda were blonda?                     
                                                            
10018 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Norm Storer         P9203



Since donning the uniform, Joe                              
Quit the floozies that he used to know.                     
Says he, "Joan Bennet'll                                    
Tickle my genital                                           
Every night at the old U.S.O."                              
                                                            
10019 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                           L1021



Joan Crawford's home cures, so I'm told,                    
Are famous -- both forceful and bold.                       
She's one of the giants                                     
Of medical science:                                         
Whip a fever and then beat a cold.                          
                                                            
10020 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arthur Deex         P8907



A little old lady from Gloucester                           
Tried to impersonate Jodi Foster.                           
"It wasn't my years,                                        
But the size of my ears,                                    
That exposed me as an imposter."                            
                                                            
10021 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Anon                     



Saturday Night Fever has John;                              
We'll never Get Shorty; he's gone.                          
These days we can see no                                    
Vinnie Barbarino,                                           
Just Michael, angelic Don Juan.                             
                                                            
10022 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori Press             



"My cunt hairs so long," Julia said,                        
"I sweat half to death when in bed."                        
So she cut off the tuft,                                    
That was choking her muff,                                  
And now it's on Lyle Lovett's head!                         
                                                            
10023 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Bluebird                 



I've been reading this month's PENTATETTE                   
I believe it's the wittiest yet                             
I can think of just one                                     
Thing that would be more fun,                               
But Julia Roberts won't let me petatit.                     
                                                            
10024 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



Kate Winslet has wonderful features.                        
For good looks, she could be the teacher.                   
With her upside-down smile,                                 
And her wit, charm, and guile,                              
There's no doubt she's a heavenly creature.                 
                                                            
10025 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Anon                     



Kate Winslet -- nectar of fine wine.                        
I can't get her out of my mind.                             
Each time I watch Jude                                      
Something happens quite crude.                              
I should quit or maybe I'll go blind.                       
                                                            
10026 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Anon                     



There once was an actress named Turner,  (Kathleen)         
Whose career was stuck on the back burner.                  
Mrs Robinson, nude,                                         
Is gutsy and shrewd,                                        
And will pay if the show's a big earner.                    
                                                            
10027 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Dr Limerick              



Kirstie Alley is my kind of honey.                          
Her tits are so nice it ain't funny.                        
With a wide set of hips,                                    
And those ruby red lips,                                    
And best of all, loaded with money.                         
                                                            
10028 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       MrMalo                   



Once idol of worshipping masses,                            
Now target for Levantine passes;                            
Not to deride --                                            
It's hers to decide                                         
In whose bed, at whose use, her own ass is.                 
                                                            
10029 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       George Piternick         



The ageless Miss Lauren Bacall                              
Taught Bogey to whistle one fall.                           
She's back in the traces                                    
With Mirror Has Two Faces,                                  
Still whistling and having a ball.                          
                                                            
10030 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori Press             



A producer, who was an old fogy,                            
Asked young Betty to munch on his stogy.                    
But it wasn't his age                                       
That filled her with rage,                                  
After all, she soon married old Bogie!                      
                                                            
10031 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Raging Bull              



A certain young fellow from Clinder                         
Was observed through the drawing-room winder                
With his cock down the throat                               
Of that lady of note,                                       
Miss Lovelace (her friends call her Linda).                 
                                                            
10032 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



Liz Taylor says eight is enough.                            
It's not that she's turned against love,                    
But that walk down the aisle                                
Feels just like half a mile.                                
She's decided it's simply too tough.                        
                                                            
10033 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Dr Limerick              



If the West to be conquered was Mae -                       
A voluptuous romp in the hay -                              
All one had to do                                           
Was wait on her cue.                                        
"Come up and see me," she'd say.                            
                                                            
10034 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Irving Superior     P9509



Mae West had it -- old time sex appeal,                     
Every scene that she made, she would steal.                 
Her male fans gave their pays                               
To see their own Mae's                                      
Ample curves fill the screen in each reel!                  
                                                            
10035 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arthur Pattaffy          



A voluptuous vixen, Mae West,                               
Found her butler was rather a pest.                         
She replied to this twit,                                   
"I come lickety-split,"                                     
"Never mind that, just dryclean the vest."                  
                                                            
10036 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



When visiting a farmer, Mae West                            
Lay down near a cow barn to rest.                           
When she brushed a cow's udder,                             
She would sleepily mutter,                                  
"Just one at a time, boys, is best."                        
                                                            
10037 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Billington          P8201



If an agent wants to make a new star,                       
He has to consider P.R.                                     
She must say she's agin',                                   
And her background is Cajun.                                
And to that, I say HARDY-HAR-HAR!                           
                                                            
10038 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Al Willis           T9707



If all of your time in the saddle lacks                     
Joy 'cause your partner's a battleaxe,                      
Pretend that you're barrellin'                              
A starlet named Marilyn.                                    
It's better than driving two Cadillacs!                     
                                                            
10039 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Norm Storer         P9201



Our favorite star, Ms. Monroe                               
First posed in the nude long ago.                           
Loved by the elite                                          
And the man in the street,                                  
She wed Miller and DiMaggio.                                
                                                            
10040 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori Press             



There once was a prim proper Nanny                          
Whose magical feats were uncanny!                           
She lived with the Banks                                    
Who said to her, "Thanks...                                 
A spoonful of sugar's just dandy!"                          
                                                            
10041 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Anon                     



This funny old lady can cure                                
Your children's bad habits, for sure!                       
With her magical tricks,                                    
Any vice she can fix,                                       
And those kids will become sweet and pure.                  
                                                            
10042 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Anon                     



The AFI's list of film top 'uns                             
Has cop-out alongside of the cop-ins.                       
What usurped Harvey's slot?                                 
Or The Rainmaker's spot?                                    
And, most of all, where's Mary Poppins?                     
(AFI - American Film Institute)                             
10043 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Prof M-G           TP9806



"Bah, Humbug!" said Ebeneezer Scrooge.                      
"I would rather ride a one man Luge                         
Or be grossly verbose                                       
Than to get in so close                                     
As to smear the line of Mulan's Rouge."                     
(Mulan - Disney movie 1998)                                 
10044 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



I just saw Eyes Wide Shut,                                  
It should be called Eyes Wide Slut.                         
She has a great bod...,                                     
I'd slip her the rod,                                       
But Tom has her inside his hut.                             
                                                            
10045 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



As an actress, you'll be quite impressed                    
By the scene where you deal with incest.                    
I must see that your bod                                    
Is not a facade,                                            
So, please, will you now get undressed?                     
                                                            
10046 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A film star who's past her best days,                       
Keeps her figure with elastic and stays.                    
As her girth keeps expanding,                               
Fewer parts she is landing;                                 
She says it's a non-passing phase!                          
                                                            
10047 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Arthur Pattaffy          



A young porno star name of Sue                              
Was a hit when it came to a screw.                          
Her climactic fame spread                                   
With promotions that said,                                  
"Coming Soon, to a Theatre Near You".                       
                                                            
10048 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Lims For Year - 01       



Last night I went out to the movies;                        
Practical Magic was really quite groovy.                    
Sandra Bullock did star                                     
In a romance that was far                                   
From the norm, but ended approvey.                          
                                                            
10049 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



That film with Sarah Michelle Gellar?                       
I think I threw it in the cellar.                           
Now I'll turn on the lights                                 
And forget all the frights,                                 
And return to enjoying "Old Yeller".                        
                                                            
10050 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Steve Schrader           



No heart made of stone is our Sharon;                       
To bolster her fame she was darin'.                         
She sat in a chair                                          
With no underwear                                           
And had all her movie fans starin'.                         
                                                            
10051 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori                   



Sharon Stone is so icily stunning,                          
Not to mention deceptive and cunning,                       
A woman like she                                            
Could make any man flee,                                    
But he sure would look back while he's running.             
                                                            
10052 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Larry Dahl               



While filming some grade B adventure,                       
Shelly Winters lost half of her denture,                    
While giving some head                                      
To a Key Grip named Fred.                                   
(The scene was cut out by the Censor.)                      
                                                            
10053 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       John Chastaine      T9710



That actress, Miss Shirley Maclaine                         
Will often play roles so inane                              
That they're trying to book her                             
For the role of a hooker                                    
Who likes to make love in the rain.                         
                                                            
10054 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Pedro J. Saavedra   P8205



The good ship they call Lollipop                            
Is just like a kid's candy shop,                            
Where, if you can play                                      
Your cards the right way,                                   
You'll be Shirley's sweet Sugar Pop!                        
                                                            
10055 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



There was a young owlet called Tawny,                       
Who longed for that actress Sigourney.                      
"Weaver's my name                                           
And hooters my game!"                                       
Said Sig, getting Tawny all horny.                          
                                                            
10056 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



A Hollywood stalker named Ernie                             
Tried to secretly follow Sigourney.                         
When his body stops bleeding,                               
He's going to be needing                                    
Some surgury and an attorney.                               
                                                            
10057 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Larry Hollister          



Ellen Ripley, "believe it or not",                          
Has returned in the 4th movie's plot.                       
When that alien pest                                        
Poked its head through her chest,                           
She was dead, or at least so I thought!                     
                                                            
10058 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Larry Hollister          



I was fingering Susan Sarandon                              
When I thought I could get my whole hand in.                
It soon became clear,                                       
If Glen Miller was here,                                    
I'm sure I could fit the whole band in.                     
                                                            
10059 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



The movie star queen Theda Bara,                            
Was born in the desert Sahara.                              
It was, was it not,                                         
The Oasis of Twat?                                          
And what, might we ask, could be fairer?                    
                                                            
10060 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Conrad Aiken             



Said a young Marine sergeant named Blake                    
Whose lust no six women could slake,                        
"On the sea for my nation                                   
But for my vacation,                                        
A week on Veronica Lake."                                   
                                                            
10061 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Clifford M. Christ  P8302



A Hollywood actor named Jake,                               
Was missing right after the take.                           
The cast gathered round him                                 
The moment they found him                                   
Face down in Veronica Lake.                                 
                                                            
10062 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE                                



Said Vanessa, "It's what I won't take.                      
The report of my death was a fake.                          
I wasn't drowned,                                           
And I wasn't found                                          
Face down in Veronica Lake.                                 
                                                            
10063 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Tom Patton          P9806



A lovely young lass named Winona                            
In "Dracula" had somehow grown a                            
Sharp new pair of teeth,                                    
But she is underneath,                                      
A little woman fresh from Pomona.                           
                                                            
10064 CELEBS - MOVIES - FEMALE       Satori                   



Comrade Alec is going away                                  
To down there where they greet you, "G'day!"                
It is perfectly plain                                       
That's their loss and our gain.                             
Oh shit! He decided to stay!                                
                                                            
10065 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Bill Nesbit         P0205



Baldwin said he would move to Australia,                    
If the Gore campaign turned out a failure.                  
But the laws of our nation                                  
Prevent such deportation.                                   
We're so glad he'd not bet genitalia.                       
                                                            
10066 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



The movie star, Anthony Quinn                               
Said: "Oh what a fix I am in!                               
I always play rough                                         
Stuff and tough stuff.                                      
I wish there'd be a girl I would win!"                      
                                                            
10067 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



Ben Affleck is now in rehab;                                
To the press someone had to blab.                           
He put up his gin,                                          
And checked himself in.                                     
Now who's going to pick up the tab.                         
                                                            
10068 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Julie Wiskirchen         



Bryan, a beard groomer from Bristol,                        
Was grooming the beard of Bill Crystal.                     
Then in walked his hero,                                    
Roberto de Niro,                                            
Who then shot them both with a pistol.                      
                                                            
10069 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Phil T                   



There was a young lady named Harriet,                       
Who dreamed she'd been raped in a chariot,                  
By the Man in the Moon,                                     
Sir Phillip Sassoon,                                        
Bing Crosby, and Judas Iscariot,                            
                                                            
10070 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                                  



There once was a crooner named Bing.                        
Man Oh Man could that charming lad sing.                    
With his partner named Bob,                                 
He became a heart throb;                                    
In the girls' steps, he put quite a spring.                 
                                                            
10071 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Grafixres1               



A terrible singer named Bing,                               
One evening insisted he'd sing.                             
So we asked him to stoop,                                   
Put his head in a loop,                                     
And pulled at each end of the string.                       
                                                            
10072 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                                  



Cary Grant, long before he would marry,                     
In New Mexican brothels would tarry,                        
There to pay double price,                                  
For he'd bed the girl twice,                                
And so, lovingly dubbed, "Two-Come-Cary".                   
                                                            
10073 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Bob Giandomenico    P9711



When his plane hit a storm and crash-landed,                
This man found that he had been stranded.                   
All signs pointed toward                                    
Yet another award,                                          
But the Oscars left him empty-handed.                       
                                                            
10074 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Anon                     



When Clay was just a small tyke,                            
Said he, "I can't be a dyke."                               
I pull my johnson;                                          
Wish I were Charles Bronson;                                
But still, that's what I look like.                         
                                                            
10075 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Let's not forget old Charlie Heston                         
Whose Soylent Green taught us a lesson.                     
If ever you snack                                           
You could choke it back,                                    
Since your treat might be an intestine.                     
                                                            
10076 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Fredrico Albana          



We admire the great Charlton Heston;                        
On a talk show, the bugger was guestin'.                    
"Plese allow me, perchance.."                               
Then he reached in his pants                                
And pulled out his big Smith and Wesson.                    
(small bore)                                                
10077 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Al Willis          TP9807



It was not a Smith and Wesson but a Beretta                 
He pulled out from under his sweater.                       
It was 9mm                                                  
Used to shoot a wife beater;                                
Heston was always a trendsetter.                            
                                                            
10078 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Al Willis                



Christian Slater got into a fight,                          
But things didn't end up quite right.                       
He adopted the quirks                                       
Of celebrity jerks,                                         
Known not for their charm, but their bite.                  
                                                            
10079 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Frank Spectre            



The Oscars next year will just floor us.                    
For fighting Rex Tyrannosaurus,                             
Then maiming some Commies,                                  
And humping their mommies:                                  
Life Achievement Award to Chuck Norris.                     
                                                            
10080 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Martin Wellborn     P9310



On Pitcairn Isle let me be.                                 
My hobby is The Mutiny.                                     
The Bounty, Fletcher, Bligh,                                
The other reason why --                                     
Folks say that Gable looks like me.                         
                                                            
10081 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Irving Superior     P9411



An underwear maker named Kurtz                              
Said, "One movie with Clark Gable hurts.                    
When he shows up bare chested,                              
It's clearly suggested                                      
That he-men don't wear undershirts."                        
                                                            
10082 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         A. N. Wilkins       P8802



A servant employed in Lahore                                
Cursed his parents' affinity for                            
Gable's "Gone With the Wind"                                
For this never will end:                                    
"Rhett, butler, will show you the door."                    
                                                            
10083 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Cybergeezer              



Said Clark Gable, picking his nose,                         
"I get more than the public suppose.                        
Take the Hollywood way,                                     
It's the women who pay,                                     
And the men simply take off their clothes."                 
                                                            
10084 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                             L1043



Clark Gable once said Sophie Tucker                         
Resisted when he tried to fuck her.                         
And so when instead                                         
She gave Gable head,                                        
He said the line, "So long....sucker!"                      
                                                            
10085 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Clint Eastwood was famous for gunning,                      
Thus keeping the bad guys from running;                     
But his life rearranged                                     
When he got his sex changed,                                
Joined the church, took some vows, and went nunning.        
                                                            
10086 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Two critics called Ebert and Siskel                         
Are giants in film matters fiscal.                          
If they up their thumbs,                                    
A huge audience comes,                                      
If they down them, a movie may risk all.                    
                                                            
10087 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Prof M-G            T9710



A lovely young lady named Cybil,                            
Of fortune and fame had a nibble                            
With the "Last Picture Show",                               
So if she wants to go                                       
"Moonlighting", we will not quibble                         
                                                            
10088 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Satori                   



Dustin Hoffman's a film hall-of-famer;                      
I can say this without a disclaimer.                        
He's on Seinfeld this week                                  
With his pal, Meryl Streep,                                 
In a Kramer vs Kramer vs Kramer.                            
                                                            
10089 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Larry Hollister          



Many Oscar results should be tossed --                      
The Academy must have been sauced.                          
Hoffman won the thing twice:                                
"Rain" and "Kramer", that's nice.                           
But it hurts that his "Tootsie" role lost.                  
                                                            
10090 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Larry Hollister          



Ed Wood did so many things wrong:                           
In movies, drama, and song.                                 
His musical worst                                           
Was Catharine the First,                                    
With Kate sung by Anna May Wong.                            
                                                            
10091 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Bluebird           TP9806



Ed Wood has returned to produce                             
A musical 'bout child abuse.                                
Through dancing and song,                                   
You'll learn what went wrong,                               
And why DAVE, THE HERMIT, became a recluse.                 
(Ed Wood - Hollywood C movie director)                      
10092 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Bluebird           TP9806



It's a hell of a fix that we're in,                         
When the geographical spread of the urge to sin             
Causes juvenile delinquency,                                
With increasing frequency,                                  
By the Army, the Navy, and Errol Flynn.                     
                                                            
10093 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                             L1607



There once was a gal named Lynn,                            
Who thought of sex as a sin.                                
But an actor named Errol                                    
Made her pretty head whirl,                                 
And then he was in like Flynn.                              
                                                            
10094 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Birch               P9805



My wife has reneged on her promise                          
To take me down South to St. Thomas.                        
We got into a fight                                         
And she booked the next flight,                             
Now she's going with Fernando Lamas.                        
                                                            
10095 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Mark A. Smeby            



Have you heard of young Franchot Tone,                      
Who felt of his own peculiar bone?                          
It was long and quite narrow                                
And filled full of marrow,                                  
And less edible that stale corn pone.                       
                                                            
10096 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                             L0438



An ancestor of Henry Fonda's                                
Flew up from Oz via Qantas,                                 
Where he'd boffed kangaroos,                                
Koala bears too,                                            
So now he thought he'd Pocohontas.                          
                                                            
10097 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                                  



Over the cuckoo's nest Nicholson flew;                      
He was Hoffa, and Jack Torrence too.                        
Pass the gin and vermouth,                                  
I can't handle the truth,                                   
If it means seeing "Mars Attacks II."                       
                                                            
10098 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Larry Hollister          



James Cagney, his moment of fame.                           
He'd viciously grapefruit this dame.                        
Her face being juiced,                                      
Her wrinkles reduced.                                       
So, Darling, don't move while I aim.                        
                                                            
10099 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Irving Superior     P9002



James Stewart was just a big ham                            
In many a good film program.                                
But I liked him the most                                    
Playing Harvey's good host;                                 
An eccentric, but no more than I am.                        
                                                            
10100 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Prof M-G            T9707



Jimmy Stewart, a great actor guy;                           
Mr. Smith's the role critics rate high.                     
But I liked him the most                                    
Playing Harvey's good host.                                 
An eccentric, but then so am I!                             
                                                            
10101 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         PROF M-G                 



Dear Teacher, I know you're not vain,                       
And you write quite as well as Grey, Zane.                  
I will not embarass you                                     
Or unduly harass you,                                       
But you look a lot like John Wayne.                         
                                                            
10102 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



The night fell on Tombstone, and John                       
'The Duke' Wayne said, "Pilgrim go yon-                     
Der quicker than syrup                                      
And fetch me that stirrup,                                  
That's holding Marines up near Bonn!"                       
                                                            
10103 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                                  



I know a young blonde lass called Flossy                    
Who some say is remarkably Saucy                            
Once, on meetin' John Wayne                                 
Says she "Hey - I'm for layin'"                             
"How 'bout you - and the rest of your posse!"               
                                                            
10104 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                                  



This anecdote does not begin                                
To tell us why Kostner and Flynn                            
Of Hollywood fame                                           
Robin Hood became,                                          
And remained so excessively thin.                           
                                                            
10105 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Irving Superior     P9504



A man who had watched "The Titanic"                         
Was arrested for causing a panic.                           
He shouted out loud,                                        
"Leo is in the crowd!"                                      
And all of the girlies went manic.                          
                                                            
10106 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Kermit Swift             



I went to the cinema last night,                            
Some violence and more than one fight.                      
Lethal Weapon 4,                                            
It wasn't a bore;                                           
For a sequel, 'twas more than alright!                      
                                                            
10107 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Jayne                    



Riggs and Murtaugh again did their stuff,                   
Eleven years and they've not had enough.                    
So full of wit,                                             
("Not too old for this shit")                               
And Mel Gibson I'd love to handcuff...                      
                                                            
10108 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Jayne                    



Like Gene Kelly, a guy named Cohane                         
Had a girl who would drive him insane.                      
Each morn about seven                                       
She'd send him to heaven;                                   
He's happy just zingin' in Lorraine.                        
                                                            
10109 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Thomas Patton       P0306



A young couch potato in Orlando                             
Tried renting the movie 'Commando'.                         
But because of a bug,                                       
He was found on the rug,                                    
With an overdose of Marlon Brando.                          
                                                            
10110 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Luigi Semenzato          



Mel Gibson looks fine in a kilt,                            
He kills with his sword to the hilt.                        
His accent's not bad,                                       
For a mere Aussie lad,                                      
But those blue eyes, they cause me to wilt.                 
                                                            
10111 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young actor named Rhet,                         
Who found himself deeply in debt.                           
He gave up his chances                                      
Of roles in romances;                                       
He made more playing blood, tears and sweat.                
                                                            
10112 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Arthur Pattaffy          



Pink Panther and Clouseau were rivals;                      
The first flic of many derivals.                            
But Sellars was classic,                                    
His acting Jurassic,                                        
And now all his films are archivals.                        
                                                            
10113 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Ann Richards             



Have you heard the one 'bout Richard Gere                   
And the Gerbil he stuck up his rear?                        
It's probably not true,                                     
But what can you do --                                      
You cannot believe all you hear.                            
                                                            
10114 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Julie Wiskirchen         



A gerbil who came from Cape Fear,                           
Once hustled on old Wigen Pier.                             
He'd fetch you your tripes,                                 
And clean your drain-pipes,                                 
As long as you weren't Richard Gere.                        
                                                            
10115 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Tony Q King              



A brute who had drunk too much beer,                        
Gave his fetching young gerbils great fear.                 
A two-foot tube he'd wave                                   
'Twixt holler and rave,                                     
Shouting, "You're lucky I'm not Richard Gere!"              
                                                            
10116 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Tony Q King              



A cosmonaut with name Vladimir,                             
Had a cageful of gerbils on Mir.                            
With a drainpipe and twine,                                 
He used one at a time;                                      
An experiment called "Richard Gere".                        
                                                            
10117 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Tony Q King              



Our greatest American actor                                 
Is DeNiro and clearly a factor                              
Behind this impression                                      
Is his deep obsession                                       
With being a pure malefactor.                               
                                                            
10118 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Larry Dahl               



There was this famous actor, Rock Hudson,                   
Who's reputed to be quite a stud, son.                      
When he died, Doris Day,                                    
Said, "He's gay?  There's no way!                           
I would never have thought him a dud, son."                 
                                                            
10119 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Alexander Baron          



They say that Rock Hudson, the star                         
As handsome as you and I are --                             
So virile on screen,                                        
Was often times seen                                        
Back-seating a boy in his car.                              
                                                            
10120 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Irving Superior     P9111



There once was a stallion from Philly,                      
Who loved to beat meat that was chilly.                     
He needed some dough,                                       
So he just shouted out "Yo!                                 
I'll just go slap Appolo Creed silly!"                      
                                                            
10121 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Anon                     



A rich man whose marriage was wrecked,                      
Went to college to gain intellect.                          
With help from his son,                                     
He got the job done.                                        
And he no longer "gets no respect".                         
                                                            
10122 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Anon                     



That Roger Vadim was no perv.                               
From Bardot to Catherine Deneuve,                           
If it looked good he'd fuck it.                             
He's now kicked the bucket,                                 
"Shagged out" as an epitaph will serve.                     
                                                            
10123 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                                  



Making movies is Peckinpah's mission.                       
Check out "Strawdogs," his latest addition.                 
It's the flick of the year                                  
And it's mission is clear --                                
You don't fuck with a mathematician.                        
                                                            
10124 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Michael Weinstein   P8506



Those films about 007 --                                    
I've loved them since I was eleven.                         
The lucky sod, James,                                       
Surrounded by dames!                                        
The thought of it sent me to heaven.                        
                                                            
10125 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Azul                     



You are not the sole one on that cloud;                     
Sean Connery stands out in a crowd.                         
Even today                                                  
He'd make a great lay;                                      
The experience make me moan right out loud!                 
                                                            
10126 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Azul                     



I don't know if you have read,                              
That Sean Penn's got it in his head                         
That a photographer --                                      
I don't fully concur --                                     
Is really much better off dead.                             
                                                            
10127 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Julie Wiskirchen         



An actor named Penn made a choice                           
To go to Iraq to "find voice."                              
He may find his audition                                    
Cut short by munitions,                                     
Then he won't be around to make noise.                      
                                                            
10128 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Noel                P0301



A film impresario named Kubric                              
Made computers and space-jocks his rubric.                  
When they cried, "There's no sex!"                          
He tried Clockwork effects--                                
Rape, buggerery, and foul blows sub-pubric.                 
                                                            
10129 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                             G2622



A film actor called Tommy Cruise                            
Is short but he still can confuse.                          
It's his latest date                                        
Who causes this state,                                      
Her name is Penelope Cruz.                                  
                                                            
10130 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Tony Burrell             



I just saw Eyes Wide Shut,                                  
It should be called Eyes Wide Slut.                         
She has a GREAT bod;                                        
I'd slip her the Rod,                                       
But Tom has her inside his HUT.                             
                                                            
10131 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE                                  



The movies just won't be the same                           
Without 'Mighty Quinn' and his fame;                        
But I'll make escapes                                       
To watch him on tapes;                                      
To Zorba he gave a good name!                               
                                                            
10132 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Travis Brasell           



Tony Quinn is with us no more,                              
He stayed here six years and four score.                    
He sure was prolific,                                       
Thirteen kids, terrific,                                    
In ages from sixty to four.                                 
                                                            
10133 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Frank Fazed              



There once was a husband named Walter,                      
Who found his wife's virtue did falter.                     
So, her lover he shot,                                      
In a most vital spot,                                       
With intent, not to kill, but to alter.                     
                                                            
10134 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Stan Armstrong           



There was a young girl of Tahiti                            
Who dreamed of the star Warren Beatty.                      
"Wishful thinking, my lass,"                                
Said her man, "'Cause your ass                              
Ain't gonna get screwed by that sweetie."                   
                                                            
10135 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         Alexander Baron          



He's considered "ahead of his time"                         
And to some his star still has a shine.                     
It was therefore prophetic                                  
Woody Allen, frenetic,                                      
Stammered. "I will play Hamlet in Mime."                    
                                                            
10136 CELEBS - MOVIES - MALE         L C Fitzhugh        P0111



A young Swedish Miss, name of Inger,                        
At the stage door often would linger,                       
With ABBA in town,                                          
She loved to go down                                        
And blow Bjorn, that group's sexy singer.                   
                                                            
10137 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



At a party, a girl from Monrovia                            
Was told by Andre Segovia,                                  
"My concert's in Rome;                                      
I can't take you home;                                      
Do you mind if someone else drove ya?"                      
                                                            
10138 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Barry Manilow's rather a freak;                             
Some say he is well past his peak.                          
On one of his shows,                                        
He unblocked his nose.                                      
I hear it was Pick of the Week!                             
                                                            
10139 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Bill Wall                



All Bing Crosby's doubles delight                           
In giving each other a fright.                              
When midnight has come,                                     
Each bangs on a drum.                                       
They're Bings that go thump in the night.                   
                                                            
10140 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Tiddy Ogg                



The tune I am going to play                                 
Upon your sweet organ today,                                
Is by Bob Dylan.                                            
You I'll be thrillin'                                       
To come hummin' "Lay Lady Lay".                             
                                                            
10141 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



Bob Dylan was in Thessalonika                               
And he wanted to celebrate Chanukah,                        
So he went to a "shul"                                      
Where the rabbi was cool,                                   
And he played "Ma-o-tzur" on harmonica.                     
                                                            
10142 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Keith Gilman        P0201



In Bologna, how times there have changed;                   
Rock and Roll and the Pope aren't estranged.                
'Cause Bob Dylan played rock                                
For the men of the frock,                                   
At a concert the Pope had arranged.                         
                                                            
10143 CELEBS - MUSIC                 John Miller              



There once was a hit that I hate;                           
The lyrics had really much fate.                            
He sang, My Name Is Sue                                     
And What Can I Do.                                          
This song about me, I'll berate!                            
                                                            
10144 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Archie                   



While you probably don't care who writes                    
Of male shits who drink and start fights.                   
The author from Hell                                        
Silverstein, Shel,                                          
Is to blame for the first "man in tights."                  
                                                            
10145 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Joseph M Shair           



The "Man In Black," Johnny C., rather                       
Than being to blame for this blather,                       
Became hero to me                                           
Fairly simply when he                                       
Refused to sing "Boy Named Sue's Father!"                   
                                                            
10146 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Joseph M Shair           



Ah, this is such a signal day,                              
As Charlotte's now a legal lay.                             
Will she hit those high notes                               
After she hits deep throats?                                
Welsh Wobbler, come, let's hit the hay!                     
                                                            
10147 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Ward Hardman             



A corpulent woman named Flo,                                
Did a lot of aerobics although                              
She could ne'er lose a pound;                               
It was due to the sound:                                    
Chubby Checker and Fats Domino.                             
                                                            
10148 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Don Moore           P9207



There once was a singer named Elton                         
Who had girl's hearts all a-meltin'.                        
But they soon discovered                                    
He was a man lover;                                         
'Twas dicks he'd rather be feltin'.                         
                                                            
10149 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Bill Weiss               



The bride was frustrated and blue, so                       
She burned all the clothes in her trousseau,                
For the groom in the shower                                 
Spent hour after hour                                       
Singing off-key Enrico Caruso.                              
                                                            
10150 CELEBS - MUSIC                 John E Mayhood      P9804



An artist formerly known as "Prince",                       
Enjoyed going bare just to mince.                           
A bender is he,                                             
As you can see,                                             
He behavior would make your Gran wince.                     
                                                            
10151 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Anon                     



The artist formerly known as Prince,                        
On stage would just posture and mince.                      
Then just for a giggle                                      
Changed his name to a squiggle;                             
Now nobody's heard of him since.                            
                                                            
10152 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Bill Wall                



Just to indicate how time does fly                          
Please recall, if you will, days gone by.                   
Though "Four Freshmen" they were                            
Did it ever occur                                           
They're professors now, emeriti?                            
                                                            
10153 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9405



I love to sing bad G & S;                                   
Billy's words I can really compress                         
Till there're so small and shiny,                           
They fit in your heinie --                                  
Well, they're pearls and improve the address.               
                                                            
10154 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A state fair official made claims,                          
That the singer had odious aims,                            
When using his vocals,                                      
To charm distaff yokels,                                    
Allegations denied by hick dames.                           
                                                            
10155 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Bob Giandomenico    P9712



A German guitarist named Fritz,                             
Was murdered and cut into bits.                             
When they found his appendix,                               
It was marked Jimi Hendrix,                                 
And listed the name of his hits!                            
                                                            
10156 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Sten Svensson            



Jimi Hendrix thought Handel was 'Cool';                     
The man was clearly no fool.                                
But when he played,                                         
His style soon strayed                                      
From the sound of the authentic school.                     
                                                            
10157 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Phillip Davies           



Jimi Hendrix gave the first                                 
Feedback on outrageous shirts.                              
His guitar pressed                                          
'Tween amp and his chest                                    
'Til it did shriek so loudly, it hurts!                     
                                                            
10158 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



Of innovations he was most productive                       
From positions, Oh blush!, so seductive.                    
Though he might blast a                                     
Fender Stratocaster,                                        
This feedback was always constructive.                      
                                                            
10159 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



For the heights Jimi did always try;                        
You might say that it was do or die.                        
His life might give pause,                                  
But he never was                                            
SLIGHTLY outrageous, oh fie!                                
                                                            
10160 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



So followest thou this tradition?                           
Feather boa round neck positioned,                          
Vest with pupils doubled,                                   
Later spawned "Double Trouble"                              
To maintain his electric religion.                          
                                                            
10161 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



Of this lineage I bid you be staunch,                       
When these outrageous shirts thou doth launch.              
Doth thou call a chick "Baby"                               
Or instead "Foxy Lady",                                     
Insist on the higher-class raunch.                          
                                                            
10162 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



Too much! I now doth perspire                               
From standing too close to his fire.                        
Forsooth, apply ice;                                        
Mehopes this suffice                                        
Of the feedback that thou doth "require".                   
                                                            
10163 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



I went to wash my face-ious,                                
Before I ran the race-ious.                                 
I grabbed the soap                                          
From off the rope,                                          
And turned on Julio Iglesious.                              
                                                            
10164 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



Lawrence Welk, randy gentleman, he                          
Fucked women he met "haw and gee".                          
And if you came near                                        
You were likely to hear                                     
Hump one ana two ana THREE!!!                               
                                                            
10165 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



When Lerner and Lowe ABOVE attain,                          
Will they get a cloud over Spain?                           
Their job there to see                                      
A suffiency                                                 
Of moisture will fall on the plain.                         
                                                            
10166 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Irving Superior          



They say Liberace liked Thai,                               
Or chinese, when a restaurant he'd try.                     
And his favorite dish                                       
Wasn't noodles or fish,                                     
But soup they called Cream of Yung Gai.                     
                                                            
10167 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Hugh Clary               



Said his friend, "Is it true what I hoid?                   
Did you bugger an exotic boid?"                             
Liberace said, "No.                                         
It just isn't so.                                           
'Twas a cock-er-two that I enjoyed."                        
                                                            
10168 CELEBS - MUSIC                 William N. Nesbit   P9604



As his organ was rapidly wooding,                           
Liberace made sure of his footing,                          
When fucking brown betty,                                   
Since his body got sweaty,                                  
Ensuring the poof's in the pudding.                         
                                                            
10169 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Hugh Clary               



The doc rushed to see Liberace,                             
'Cause his dick was all spotted and splotchy.               
The doc said, "You twit,                                    
Those marks are fresh shit!                                 
Are you still fucking that young mariachi?"                 
                                                            
10170 CELEBS - MUSIC                 John Chastaine           



A Scottish sheep ranch is whereto                           
Mick Jagger finally retired at sixty-two.                   
Instead of singing out loud,                                
"Get off of my cloud",                                      
Now sings "Hey McCleod, get off of my ewe!"                 
                                                            
10171 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Tom Accousti             



Milli Vanilli lip-synced                                    
And to that, their Grammy was linked.                       
They put on an act                                          
Which was fully backed --                                   
I felt so very hood-winked.                                 
                                                            
10172 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



Spake the Lord God from atop the mount,                     
"Take heed lest thou openly flaunt                          
Heavy metal and leather,                                    
Dog collar and tether--                                     
Pat Boone, watch out, I'm keeping count."                   
                                                            
10173 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Arthur Deex         P9703



There is a young lad called Rod Stewart;                    
Just give him a song and he'll screw it.                    
He sings through his sporran                                
On anything foreign;                                        
A damn good trick if you can do it.                         
                                                            
10174 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Bill Wall                



The artists called Simon and Garfunkel                      
Were trying to outdo a star uncle,                          
And the story they worked                                   
Was of heating that lurked                                  
In friction 'twixt hymen and carbuncle.                     
                                                            
10175 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P8511



I once had a wife I called Cher,                            
Whose voice was only just fair.                             
And as everyone knows,                                      
When it comes to her clothes,                               
She exposes her ass to the air                              
                                                            
10176 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Jim Weaver Collection    



In England two 'street singers' stole                       
The show, and they're now (bless my soul!)                  
Out thrusting their parts,                                  
While busting the charts                                    
With "Op'ra Babes" jock-rock 'n' roll!                      
                                                            
10177 CELEBS - MUSIC                                          



The abbot stood over the bunk                               
And said, "That's my piano, you punk!                       
It is mine, I can tell,                                     
And belongs in my cell;                                     
You're a thieving Felonious Monk."                          
                                                            
10178 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Peter Wilkins            



When the singer said, "Diet", he meant it,                  
Though he may have had cause to repent it.                  
He did not hesitate.                                        
And soon lost much weight;                                  
Fans rebuked him for his bony tenet.                        
                                                            
10179 CELEBS - MUSIC                 Bob Giandomenico    P9710



A tennessee woman went sailin'                              
Near Nashville with Willie and Waylon.                      
But not long because                                        
Both old outlaws                                            
Got down and did them some nailin'.                         
                                                            
10180 CELEBS - MUSIC                 John B              T9801



John, Paul, George, Stuart and Pete                         
Got ahead on the strength of Pets's beat.                   
Stu died, Pete was booted                                   
And Ringo recruited,                                        
And soon for the lads, Easy Street!                         
                                                            
10181 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Dr Limerick              



A Beatles fan known as Miss Pringle                         
Submitted a singable jingle,                                
Hoping that soon                                            
They would record her tune;                                 
The lisp Ringo had, made her tingle.                        
                                                            
10182 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Gately                   



Here's the truth, though you may call me loco,              
I was sitting with cookies and cocoa,                       
When I heard John was shot.                                 
My immediate thought:                                       
"They must have been aiming at Yoko."                       
                                                            
10183 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Dr Limerick              



John, George, Paul, Ringo, and Pete                         
Played Hamburg, and went down a treat.                      
Then Pete said goodbye,                                     
And the rest then rode high,                                
While Pete beat his meat in the street.                     
                                                            
10184 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Tiddy Ogg                



John Lennon got shot by some Yank;                          
He'd oodles of cash in the bank.                            
But wife Yoko Ono                                           
Still misses my bone-o,                                     
And now she does nothing but wank.                          
                                                            
10185 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Tiddy Ogg                



We Merkins tuned in once to view                            
Ed Sullivan's "really big shew,"                            
And saw those four lads                                     
With their Beatle fads                                      
Of long hair and rock songs quite new.                      
                                                            
10186 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Travis Brasell           



'Twas Ringo, Paul, John and George, 'quiet'                 
Who damn near started a riot,                               
With all of their hits,                                     
But we sure loved those Brits;                              
Their music, their style -- can't deny it!                  
                                                            
10187 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Travis Brasell           



The Beatles, when young, it is true,                        
That they never lacked for a screw.                         
Old Man Time takes his toll,                                
Playing Hell with one's pole,                               
And sadly, there's now only two.                            
                                                            
10188 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Frank Fazed              



There was an old Beetle named Ringo                         
Who sang in some strange sort of lingo.                     
At beating the drum                                         
He was really a bum,                                        
So he eked out his days calling Bingo.                      
                                                            
10189 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       John E Mayhood     P9711 



The newspaper ruined my day,                                
'Cause someone turns sixty, they say,                       
Who once was -- it's truth --                               
The ideal of my youth.                                      
Time did fly, I find out in dismay.                         
                                                            
10190 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Eva Bekker               



So, Ringo has aged sixty years!                             
Not bad. It allays many fears.                              
Though he wrote much malarkey,                              
His true name, Richard Starkey,                             
Was seldom made know to our ears.                           
                                                            
10191 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Liam na Beag             



Every few years, a new generation                           
Rediscovers, with loud adulation,                           
George, Ringo, John, Paul,                                  
Who make most, if not all,                                  
Their successors seem poor imitations.                      
                                                            
10192 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES       Dr Limerick              



Don't you tell me that Yoko does miss                       
The o-bone-o-in-onno-san bliss!                             
I feel that this dame                                       
'S Kurogane by name;                                        
In the street I would give her a hiss.                      
                                                            
10193 CELEBS - MUSIC - BEATLES                                



There was a young prick called Cobain;                      
In the ass he was really a pain.                            
He died, the wanker;                                        
The shot gun, we thank her.                                 
On the ceiling his brain's just a stain.                    
                                                            
10194 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN        Jim Weaver Collection    



Poor Courtney -- not happy at all;                          
Her house is becoming a mall                                
For fanatical fans                                          
Using nails and hands                                       
Scraping souvenirs from off the wall.                       
                                                            
10195 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



There once was a man named Cobain                           
Whose brains did happen to rain                             
Down from the ceiling,                                      
From where paint was peeling,                               
Much to the electricians disdain.                           
                                                            
10196 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



There was a sad soul called Cobain,                         
Who, I'm certain, was close to insane.                      
While others would choose                                   
Coral Pinks or Sky Blues,                                   
He painted the wall with his brain.                         
                                                            
10197 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



There once was a guy named Cobain,                          
Whose wallpaper gave him migraine,                          
'Til he found the solution                                  
And through self-execution,                                 
Repainted it grey with his brain.                           
                                                            
10198 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



A troubled young man named Cobain;                          
Felt his life was but only in vain.                         
He embarked on a course,                                    
Shot himself with great force,                              
Now he'll never know life and its gains.                    
                                                            
10199 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



Yes, Cobain was considered a star;                          
Lived with music, booze, women, and cars.                   
But to kill yourself dead                                   
With a shot to the head,                                    
Shows us all just how dumb that you are.                    
                                                            
10200 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



A troubled young man from Seattle                           
Was fighting an internal battle.                            
He let his angst fester,                                    
Embraced his Winchester.                                    
Let's hope his fans follow like cattle.                     
                                                            
10201 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



There was a Rock Star from Seattle,                         
Who's fans were no smarter than cattle.                     
His life was no fun,                                        
So he got a shotgun,                                        
And got rid of his skull's wicked rattle.                   
                                                            
10202 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



There was a loser called Kurt                               
Who said "My poor life ain't worth dirt!                    
I can't play guitar                                         
And I hate who I are."                                      
KA-BLAM!  How much did it hurt?                             
                                                            
10203 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



There once was a asshole named Kurt                         
Who now resides in the dirt.                                
He wrote a few songs                                        
And before not too long,                                    
His brains stained the front of his shirt.                  
(His 12 guage had brains for dessert.)                      
10204 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



Kurt Cobain lived a life that was rich                      
(In the money of course) -- here's the hitch:               
Gave it up on a whim,                                       
(Was he stupid and dim?)                                    
Now his look, act, and property's kitch.                    
                                                            
10205 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



The grungy young lead of Nirvana                            
Felt he'd be better off as a goner.                         
Dark angst and black rage                                   
Cured with a 12 guage.                                      
Now if it'd only happen to Madonna.                         
                                                            
10206 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN                                 



There once was a man named Kurt                             
Who felt somehow that it hurt.                              
He stopped all the pain                                     
With a bullet in the brain,                                 
And now lives under six feet of dirt.                       
                                                            
10207 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN        Jim Weaver Collection    



A young music man named Cobain,                             
Could not handle stardom and pain.                          
Tried to overdose,                                          
But not comatose,                                           
With a shotgun he blew out his brain.                       
                                                            
10208 CELEBS - MUSIC - COBAIN        Jim Weaver Collection    



Dolly Parton's a favorite, I hear                           
In the race for the Oscar next year.                        
She's not just "in the hunt"                                
But she's "way out in front"                                
To receive Best Supporting Brassiere.                       
                                                            
10209 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Larry Hollister          



I declare, it sure brings out my pique                      
When guys at Ms. Parton do peek.                            
Those mountains are high,                                   
And before I should die,                                    
I'd sure like to climb to the peak.                         
                                                            
10210 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Jim Weaver Collection    



Dolly Parton is built, I declare                            
And she has a quite marvelous pair.                         
I would give a month's pay                                  
For a saucy display                                         
Or a C-note to see her what-e'er.                           
                                                            
10211 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Al Willis           T9712



Dolly Parton is one who enchants.                           
It's rumored she doesn't wear pants.                        
It would be like dessert                                    
To get under her skirt.                                     
I'd give a week's pay for the chance.                       
                                                            
10212 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Al Willis           P9805



Bloodthirsty, with fangs all afleck,                        
The witless vampire said, "Heck"                            
But saw cause to hearten,                                   
He found Dolly Parton                                       
And bit her -- the fool! -- ON THE NECK!                    
(Dolly Parton - late 20 century big-boobed country singer)  
10213 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Bob Giandomenico    P9009



Dolly Parton was giving some head                           
To Kenny Rogers one night while in bed.                     
She fed him some tit,                                       
But too much of it...                                       
"My God! I've killed Kenny!" she said.                      
                                                            
10214 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Wildman            TP9804



Dolly Parton and I, most discreet,                          
In the dark, on a cozy loveseat:                            
"Are you hungry, my dear?"                                  
And I'd say, "Hear, hear!"                                  
But I'm certain that I'd overeat.                           
                                                            
10215 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Al Willis                



Dolly Parton has two daffodils.                             
When she stands, and I sit, I get chills.                   
When she starts to sing,                                    
I say "Ring-a-ding-ding!                                    
I will lift up mine eyes to the hills!"                     
                                                            
10216 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Al Willis                



I would turn down a dancer from Bali                        
And a chance to explore Mexicali,                           
For a little foreplay                                       
And a roll in the hay,                                      
And a breakfast with sweet Parton, Dolly!                   
                                                            
10217 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Al Willis           T9712



Miss Dolly, the dirty old scrubber,                         
Was covered in acres of blubber.                            
Her magnificent figure                                      
Looked Twenty times bigger,                                 
Encased in red plastic and rubber.                          
                                                            
10218 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  PeterW                   



Dolly Parton's a stunning success;                          
She has troubles and cares, nonetheless.                    
At her concert, her bust                                    
Was improperly trussed,                                     
And her boobs burst right out of her dress.                 
                                                            
10219 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Lucas Hulp          P9310



This movie will break you in bits,                          
Evoking both seizures and fits.                             
You surely will treasure                                    
A measure of pleasure                                       
From "Dolly Displaying Her Wits."                           
                                                            
10220 CELEBS - MUSIC - DOLLY PARTON  Jane D. Hughes      P9012



Of all singing sensations we've seen,                       
SUI GENERIS music machine                                   
Was the great Elvis                                         
With gyrating pelvis                                        
And unequaled charisma on screen!                           
                                                            
10221 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Observer                 



It's twenty-two years to the day                            
The "King" sadly went on his way.                           
No more swivlin' pelvis                                     
From our icon Elvis.                                        
A legend, what more can I say?                              
                                                            
10222 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS                                  



A friend of mine likes Rock and Roll,                       
But her eardrums were taking a toll.                        
So she turned down the Elvis                                
And just watched his pelvis;                                
Now it's her eyeballs that loll.                            
                                                            
10223 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Patricia Larson          



A tone-deaf young rocker named Moon                         
Could just barely carry a tune,                             
But he swiveled his pelvis                                  
Like some revenant Elvis,                                   
And made all the teenagers swoon.                           
                                                            
10224 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Armand E Singer       827



Does Elvis live? The news --                                
His fans are checking out all clues.                        
About my age he'd be                                        
So if you're checking me,                                   
Please don't step on my blue sued shoes                     
                                                            
10225 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Irving Superior     P8812



In view of his young brother's keenness                     
To follow his steps, was it meanness                        
Of Fortune that Elvis                                       
Became known as Pelvis                                      
And thus scuttled the chances of Enos.                      
                                                            
10226 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         A. N. Wilkins       P9107



With old Elvis in Graceland, I am, sir,                     
Where his cars and his drugs by the dram were.              
It was here he was married.                                 
It was here he was buried--                                 
But in the back yard like a hamster.                        
                                                            
10227 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Don Moore           P9311



Elvis is dead, so they said,                                
But in Vegas last week he was wed.                          
Then I saw him in Sears                                     
Trying on the brassieres.                                   
Is it me or am I losing my head?                            
                                                            
10228 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Barbara Cunningham  P9505



With Heartbreak Hotel, the young Elvis                      
Put all of us under his spellvis.                           
He sang Rock-and-Roll-blues                                 
In his Blue Suede Shoes,                                    
In time to the shake of his pelvis.                         
                                                            
10229 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Satori Press             



The guy would believe anything.                             
He thought that Minelli could sing.                         
He believed all that hype                                   
And Hollywood tripe.                                        
He thought Elvis Presley was king!                          
                                                            
10230 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Al Willis           P9709



When Elvis he wrote 'Love Me Tender',                       
He was looking both slim and slender.                       
But soon when he took                                       
Downwards for a look,                                       
I bet he couldn't see his gender.                           
                                                            
10231 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Martin V Jensen          



It had all disappeared, his 'thing',                        
In a body the size of Beijing,                              
And this situation                                          
Of ZERO starvation,                                         
He should have been called the "Burger King."               
                                                            
10232 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Martin V Jensen          



Elvis the pelvis, he thrilled,                              
But alas, he was very weak willed.                          
His addiction to food                                       
Really did him no good.                                     
He looked like a whopper, flame grilled.                    
                                                            
10233 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Jayne                    



That young Presley fellow could sing.                       
Making rock 'n roll hits was his thing.                     
But girls all knew Elvis's                                  
Gyrating pelvis is                                          
What really made him the king!                              
                                                            
10234 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Lims For Year - 01       



If Elvis were living today,                                 
No doubt, he would probably say,                            
"I'm in a tight spot                                        
And this coffin's too hot...                                
So I'll just keep clawin' away!"                            
                                                            
10235 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Observer                 



Elvis is dead so they said,                                 
But up there, just over my head,                            
He's rocking and strumming;                                 
And rotors are humming                                      
And his lifeline has just saved our shed.                   
                                                            
10236 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Anon                     



To all those who Elvis adore,                               
Contribute your money no more.                              
You're wasting your dough.                                  
By now you should know,                                     
Mt. Rushmore has room for just four.                        
                                                            
10237 CELEBS - MUSIC - ELVIS         Irving Superior          



The young folks have something to learn,                    
And they are not quick to discern                           
The public's great love                                     
And the song stylings of:                                   
Patti, Maxene, and Laverne.                                 
                                                            
10238 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Al Weaver                



Life's passing on by, like a jet,                           
So fast that I ain't even yet                               
Had time to unpack                                          
My brand new 8 track,                                       
And now they've come out on cassette!                       
                                                            
10239 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Travis Brasell           



And what's all this stuff "solid state"?                    
I think that transitors are great.                          
But are you the guy                                         
To ask where to buy                                         
Young Britney on 78?                                        
                                                            
10240 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Tiddy Ogg                



With telegraph wires strung from pine                       
To pine, you can order on line;                             
But I still prefer                                          
To listen to her                                            
The old way and play 69.                                    
                                                            
10241 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Travis Brasell           



Uncommon, Britney nude is not;                              
For young she is and hot, hot, hot!                         
Everybody's seen                                            
This blonde vixen queen.                                    
Is a message needed, it's not.                              
                                                            
10242 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



On this date was born, Britney Spears,                      
A standout amongst all her peers.                           
Today she turned twenty...                                  
With sex-appeal plenty,                                     
I'll give the young lady three cheers!                      
                                                            
10243 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



Britney Spears says she is a virgin.                        
I don't think it takes a brain surgeon                      
To guess she has lied,                                      
Not too well disguised                                      
By outfits she can't hide an urge in.                       
                                                            
10244 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Julie Wiskirchen         



Britney Spears says that she is a virgin;                   
I think it don't take a brain surgeon                       
To guess that's a lie,                                      
Not too well disguised,                                     
By outfits she can't hide an urge in.                       
                                                            
10245 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Molly Denver             



Sweet Britney ran off and got wed,                          
But before he could take her to bed                         
In their honeymoon room,                                    
The bamboozled groom                                        
Discovered the marriage was dead.                           
                                                            
10246 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



She said, "I've a feeling that's sinking,                   
But not, of course, 'cause I was drinking!                  
Before it begun                                             
I said, 'What have I done?"                                 
I do not know what I was thinking!"                         
                                                            
10247 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



The Oscars presented this year                              
Don't interest me greatly, I fear.                          
Though my heart isn't in it,                                
I'll watch for a minute,                                    
To see just how bare Cher will appear.                      
                                                            
10248 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Candy Zakrzewski    P8805



Dione Warwick, in line to get high,                         
Is surprised when her lipstick can't fly.                   
She remarks, "Though it's pot,                              
I'm a star, am I not?                                       
I presumed I could just Walk On By!"                        
                                                            
10249 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Peter Wilkins            



A funny old fellow named Blix                               
Was laid off and placed in a fix.                           
The things got too hot                                      
And the one open spot                                       
Was the lead in the New Dixie Chicks.                       
                                                            
10250 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Graham Lester            



Record sales were quite slow for the Chicks,                
So they chanced an appeal to fan's dicks.                   
Not ashamed of the bush                                     
That sprouts near their tush,                               
They bared all in a mag -- breast count: six!               
                                                            
10251 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        RanDog                   



So famous a singer was Dotty,                               
Devotees would make her life knotty.                        
To give time to the shriekers                               
And the autograph seekers,                                  
She would sign as she sat on the potty.                     
                                                            
10252 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2027



Unique was the sound of her wail;                           
Our emotions -- she did assail,                             
Till drugs killed the spark                                 
With news for us, stark,                                    
And the sound of her voice was curtailed.                   
                                                            
10253 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Henrietta Thomas         



Her life was cut short by the drugs,                        
And partying down with weird lugs.                          
Did anyone care?                                            
Do more than just stare?                                    
My heartstrings this footnote hard tugs.                    
                                                            
10254 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Henrietta Thomas         



She was lost on the highway of life.                        
All she ever knew of was strife.                            
At each wrong turn,                                         
Her heart did burn,                                         
As if it were cut with a knife.                             
                                                            
10255 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Henrietta Thomas         



She wasn't related to Scott,                                
But both of their lives tell a lot                          
Of what happens to                                          
The talented few                                            
Who let themselves go to pot.                               
                                                            
10256 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Henrietta Thomas         



A woman called Mariah Carey                                 
Of her energy should have been wary.                        
Was it because of glitter                                   
That her dress won't fit her?                               
Or maybe her man is a fairy.                                
                                                            
10257 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Julie Wiskirchen         



Marilyn Manson's as skinny as a rail;                       
Has dyed hair and wears makeup that's pale.                 
Has one googly eye                                          
Kinda looks like a fly...                                   
And did I mention that Marilyn's male?                      
                                                            
10258 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Cheryl                   



There was a young singer named Melisser,                    
Who liked all the girls to kiss her.                        
She was raking the cash in                                  
And giving toungue lashin's                                 
To misses rather than misters.                              
                                                            
10259 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Bill Weiss               



In Dublin in streets wide and narrow,                       
Old Molly would wheel her wheelbarrow.                      
She'd veg whithout number                                   
But shunned the cucumber                                    
In favor of vegetable marrow.                               
                                                            
10260 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Tiddy Ogg                



Though Patti LaBell can sure sing,                          
A hellova song with zing,                                   
"O say can you see...",                                     
Was not meant to be                                         
Sung with a blues type ring.                                
                                                            
10261 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Carol                    



Yes, we are on the same page;                               
Those song butchers are an outrage.                         
And Patti's rendition                                       
Deserves opposition                                         
From patriots of every age!                                 
                                                            
10262 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Observer                 



Posh Spice just gave birth -- Did you know?                 
And they've called the poor kid Brooklyn Joe.               
After, would you believe,                                   
Where the child was conceived.                              
Now my own kids, if I had done so...                        
                                                            
10263 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



The first would be Ford, not bad, true,                     
But The second, Haybarn, a bit grue-                        
Some, and the gal:                                          
Back-Of Gasworks, oh hell,                                  
She'd have beaten me quite black and blue.                  
                                                            
10264 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



You've read it in all of the 'zines:                        
What Posh Spice's baby's name means.                        
I know it sounds terse,                                     
But it could have been worse --                             
If Posh had conceived her in Queens.                        
                                                            
10265 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



Get the champagne and pop the old cork;                     
A spice girl has met with the stork.                        
He's been named Brooklyn Joe                                
So the whole world will know                                
That his mama got laid in New York.                         
                                                            
10266 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



Now before I express my derision                            
As to where she got in this condition,                      
Though it seems a weird fad,                                
I must say that I'm glad                                    
That the kid wasn't named for position.                     
                                                            
10267 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE                                 



And now comes the news about Scary;                         
I think she was boffed by a fairy.                          
The result will be strange,                                 
A kid with the mange;                                       
Someone so ugly and hairy.                                  
                                                            
10268 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        LadyJ                    



Don't lets forget Baby Spice!                               
She's sweet and unbearably nice.                            
Try as she might,                                           
She isn't too bright.                                       
Believe me, she never thinks twice.                         
                                                            
10269 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        LadyJ                    



And then there's the stuff about Sporty                     
Whose backside is secretly warty.                           
She looks like a rose                                       
When she's wearing clothes,                                 
But naked, she looks like she's forty.                      
                                                            
10270 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        LadyJ                    



There was a spice girl called Posh,                         
Finding herself pregnant said "Gosh!"                       
Now she is a nun                                            
And will soon have a tum,                                   
And think of those nappies to wash.                         
                                                            
10271 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        LadyJ                    



A rock star of note, Tina Turner,                           
Was a young Fool in Love, but a learner.                    
She's easy to like                                          
And since she shed Ike,                                     
She's soared with her own after-burner.                     
                                                            
10272 CELEBS - MUSIC - FEMALE        Satori Press             



A very confused young pop singer,                           
For his sister was quite a dead ringer.                     
Neither boy nor a girl,                                     
Gave both sexes a whirl,                                    
Except he caught his nose in a wringer.                     
                                                            
10273 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Nancy Cee                



Did M Jackson have nose reshaped twice?                     
Does he think looking white's worth the price?              
A compulsion he's fed,                                      
Is young boys in his bed.                                   
Does he use cash to mask chronic vice?                      
                                                            
10274 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Esther Koch         P0304



I saw Jacko on TV last night,                               
And I'm not really sure you were right.                     
Though he's slept with jailbait,                            
His moonwalk was great!                                     
But his face always gives me a fright.                      
                                                            
10275 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON                          



A man told his friend, "I've a shack, son.                  
I think I'll behave like a Jackson.                         
I'll fill it with boys;                                     
Pretend they are toys;                                      
If I'm caught, I don't think I'll be back, son!"            
                                                            
10276 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Arthur Pattaffy          



I dreamed I held Janet's sweet breast                       
As she happily acquiesced;                                  
And I can reveal                                            
That I honestly feel                                        
So much better now that I've confessed!                     
                                                            
10277 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Observer                 



Michael J's actions tend to un-nerve us,                    
When he sleeps with young boys, SAINTS PRESERVE US!         
But his Demo cohort                                         
Screws us all -- as a sport --                              
In the quaint name of public service.                       
                                                            
10278 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Arthur Deex         P0401



A newpaper story, bewilderin',                              
I read while my coffee was filterin';                       
It said Michael Jackson                                     
Had sent them a fax on                                      
His new textbook, "How to Rear Children."                   
                                                            
10279 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Hugh Clary               



He's a man that we like to call Jacko;                      
I think he is quite a bit whacko.                           
Did he molest a young boy?                                  
And did he enjoy?                                           
Or is all that info post facto?                             
                                                            
10280 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Julie Wiskirchen         



Since Madonna gave birth to the tyke,                       
Michael Jackson said, "I'll do the like."                   
Though both say, "Our kids lack                             
Rapper names like '2 PAC',"                                 
Either could name their offspring, 3 STRIKE.                
                                                            
10281 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9701



Wardrobe malfunction is all very well;                      
From her jacket her right bosom fell.                       
It was ever so funny,                                       
Such a small little honey.                                  
You should see the one on Aunty Nell!                       
                                                            
10282 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Mul                      



Ward Hardman saw a saggy tit;                               
He cannot quite get over it.                                
He's used to Britney                                        
Or Christina, Gee!                                          
Janet's knocker was not a hit!                              
(exposed tit during halftime 2004 Superbowl - BFD - McW)    
10283 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Bonnie                   



As Janet wriggled through her nautch,                       
She ground her rump in Justin's crotch.                     
(Like brother Michael's verve,                              
Earned him the name of Perv.)                               
And I only had just one scotch!                             
                                                            
10284 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Ward Hardman             



How CBS must need a hit,                                    
To show us such a naughty bit!                              
We'd speculate, surmise,                                    
"What is the big surprise?"                                 
It's Janet Jackson's rightmost tit!                         
                                                            
10285 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Ward Hardman             



For those of us who felt bereft,                            
Because we did not see the left,                            
The force of gravity                                        
Triumphed over depravity;                                   
That breast did lack the needed heft!                       
                                                            
10286 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Ward Hardman             



"Wardrobe malfunction", (great cop-out!)                    
Caused Jan and Justin each to pout.                         
"Oh dear!  Lord have mercy...                               
That "breakaway jersey"                                     
Should have made both her boobs pop out!"                   
                                                            
10287 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Ward Hardman             



Is there one soul in this blessed land,                     
Who believes the whole thing wasn't planned?                
Seven-second delay?                                         
Did not work that day.                                      
(They'll not Miss Janet's fine milk gland!)                 
                                                            
10288 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Ward Hardman             



The halftime this year was a flop,                          
Because Janet's breast just went plop.                      
They tried for a shock;                                     
Came off like a rock;                                       
Sharpest thing was her nipple prop.                         
                                                            
10289 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Bonnie                   



Don't show Justin with Jan copulating.                      
Don't show Janet on his knob fellating.                     
But the twitch of a clasp                                   
Made the audience gasp.                                     
The finale was so titillating.                              
                                                            
10290 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Ward Hardman             



With music I just couldn't dig,                             
I did not think the deal was that big.                      
Jan started to limber                                       
As Justin yelled "Timber!"                                  
But all that fell out was a twig.                           
                                                            
10291 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON SFA                      



I hate to see Jackson put down.                             
His face, after all, is his own.                            
His kids bring him joy --                                   
He had none as a boy --                                     
So leave the poor fellow alone.                             
                                                            
10292 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON                          



His Never Land Ranch as sensation,                          
Michael Jackson brings kids for vacation.                   
They arrive via Trailways                                   
Or even by railways,                                        
At the stop when they signal Mole-staion.                   
                                                            
10293 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Hugh Clary               



Michael Jackson wears a mask every day;                     
We'll not know if he's straight or gay.                     
He covers his face                                          
With a small bit of lace,                                   
So he doesn't scare small boys away.                        
                                                            
10294 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Arnie Schoenbrun    P0301



Michael Jackson's a father they say;                        
Of someone with whom he can play.                           
But no one believed                                         
The kid was conceived                                       
By him in the usual way.                                    
                                                            
10295 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON MrMalo                   



"Stressed out?" asks our pal, Michael Jackson               
(Who looks more and more Anglo-Saxon)                       
"Then invite a young boy                                    
To come play with your toy                                  
At a sleepover -- mighty relaxin'!"                         
                                                            
10296 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Lucal Hulp          P9405



Michael Jackson, his skin is so fairish,                    
And his behavior outrageously garish.                       
I've heard it's been said,                                  
"One more young boy in bed,                                 
And the church will give him his own parish."               
                                                            
10297 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Bill                     



Michael Jackson has had some bad days;                      
Suspected of deviant ways.                                  
That court case was hateful,                                
But he should be grateful,                                  
It wasn't as bad as OJ's.                                   
                                                            
10298 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON MrMalo                   



Michael Jackson and Lisa were wed,                          
But my question pertains to their bed:                      
Did that oxygen bubble                                      
Give Lisa much trouble?                                     
How romantic was "Oops, watch your head!"                   
                                                            
10299 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Limerick Man             



Michael Jackson, the MTV queen,                             
Doffed his mask to observe Halloween.                       
He thought fans would embrace                               
His surgeon-made face,                                      
But it made all their faces turn green.                     
                                                            
10300 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Arnie Schoenbrun    P0301



I think it's much worse than you feared                     
That this man has a son, is too weird.                      
But it just get worse,                                      
In this very last verse,                                    
This boy, by Jackson, will be reared.                       
                                                            
10301 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Les Stewart              



Jackson took off his mask in the street;                    
A stranger he happened to meet.                             
The stranger said, "Gladly                                  
I'll give you some candy.                                   
You don't have to say, 'Trick or treat.'"                   
                                                            
10302 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Arnie Schoenbrun    P0301



Now that Michael and Lisa have split,                       
I do wonder just why she did quit.                          
Maybe all of their trouble                                  
Started under the bubble,                                   
Or perhaps she would not babysit!                           
                                                            
10303 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Limerick Man             



Micheal Jackson has a face so white,                        
It is such an astonishing sight.                            
He will wear it to bed                                      
As a part of his head,                                      
But takes it off on Halloween night.                        
                                                            
10304 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Tom Patton          P0301



I'll share this if you'll promise to scoff                  
Or snort loudly or chortle or cough.                        
Michael Jackson's fine art                                  
Is well matched by K-Mart.                                  
Both have little boys' PJ's half off.                       
                                                            
10305 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9406



Your job this week hasn't borne fruit?                      
Use this modern technique to earn loot:                     
Pick a rich guy whose famous,                               
Allege something heinous,                                   
And file a ten-million-buck suit.                           
                                                            
10306 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Lucas Hulp          P9405



Michael Jackson is the strangest sort;                      
Has a pet chimpanzee just for sport.                        
They aren't much for titties,                               
But then neither are kiddies,                               
And they can't haul your ass into court.                    
                                                            
10307 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON MrMalo                   



Michael Jackson's life story, alack,                        
When filmed will come under attack.                         
And a major factor                                          
Will be if the actor                                        
Hired to play him, should be white or black.                
                                                            
10308 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



I just couldn't care for him less;                          
He may even be wearing a dress.                             
Kids do bring him joy,                                      
He didn't have as a boy,                                    
But I won't let him know my address.                        
                                                            
10309 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON                          



Old Wacko Jacko's a disgrace;                               
Uses veils to cover his kids face.                          
He's a rich paedophile                                      
And I think he's just vile.                                 
He's also unsure of his race.                               
                                                            
10310 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Anon                     



I saw Janet's low-slung shitty dug,                         
And gave my "Show the bitch pity" shrug.                    
I was incredulous;                                          
It was so pendulous.                                        
Just a droopy pierce-ringed titty!  Ugh!                    
                                                            
10311 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Ward Hardman             



The news guys much think I'm a rube,                        
And I missed the action on the tube.                        
Such stuff just promotes                                    
Sex harrassment.  My vote's                                 
For them both and the planners as boobs.                    
                                                            
10312 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Cyber Wizard             



Michael Jackson in his kingly robe                          
Must have a diseased frontal lobe.                          
He said with conviction,                                    
Admitting addiction;                                        
"It's very young lads that I probe."                        
                                                            
10313 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Nancy Cee                



Michael Jackson's a bit of a card;                          
Every bit of himself he'll discard.                         
He's rebuilt his face                                       
From all over the place.                                    
Now his buttocks are terribly scarred.                      
                                                            
10314 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Bill Wall                



The language of Gibber, I know;                             
My grandpa taught me long ago.                              
With second and first                                       
Syllables reversed                                          
So "Lo-Hel" really means "Hello".                           
                                                            
10315 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON                          



Now Jacko, be he white or black,                            
Should really be given some slack.                          
His nose needs some waxin',                                 
The name "Mi-chael Jack-son"                                
In Gibberish is "Kill-My Son-Jack"                          
                                                            
10316 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON                          



There is queer fellow named Jacko,                          
Regarded by all as a whacko.                                
He owns lots of toys,                                       
And he sleeps with young boys,                              
And he's not sure if he's white or black-o.                 
                                                            
10317 CELEBS - MUSIC - M & J JACKSON Alexander Baron          



I would rather be bit by piranha,                           
Than watch any show with Madonna.                           
I will watch a bedsore,                                     
Or a Costeau flick, or                                      
A staid travelogue from Botswana!                           
                                                            
10318 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Al Willis           T9712



Michael J. and Madonna just smiled                          
Saying, "We're driving the Pop World wild,                  
Planning both when or whether                               
We'll be getting together                                   
To create our dysfunctional child.                          
                                                            
10319 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Jim Weaver Collection    



In England we call "Madaarna" Madonna                       
Though we don't call a banana banonna.                      
But however you spiel it,                                   
Madonna will peel it,                                       
And her next act explain to His Honour!                     
                                                            
10320 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Jim Weaver Collection    



Madonna? She can't even sing!                               
And tits in a can do not spring!                            
And from what I have heard,                                 
Be it man, beast, or bird,                                  
That bitch will fuck most anything.                         
                                                            
10321 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Jim Weaver               



Madonna you know is with child.                             
The bishop, he just went wild.                              
"If I find the bloke                                        
Who gave her the poke,                                      
He'll be ecclesiasticly reviled."                           
                                                            
10322 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Magunda                  



Calamities reign far and wide,                              
Economy's taking a slide,                                   
Politics gory, still                                        
Number-one story: Will                                      
Sean and Madonna stay tied?                                 
                                                            
10323 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Chester Wolfson     P8805



Madonna, as you know, is with child!                        
Who was the guy she had riled?                              
No one in his right mind                                    
Would risk that kind of a grind,                            
And having his todger defiled!                              
                                                            
10324 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Percy Longprong          



Madonna, you know, is with child;                           
It's practically driving her wild,                          
For it may have been Sean's chin,                           
Or Dennis Rodman's skin,                                    
Or any of a thousand men's smiles!                          
                                                            
10325 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       JLMB                     



A tuneful spring chick named Madonna                        
In concert attempted Nirvana.                               
Screamed cops in distress,                                  
"You mustn't undress!"                                      
"I may, I can, and I'm gonna!"                              
                                                            
10326 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       OncleRouge               



There is a singer named Madonna;                            
The sound of her singing is trauma.                         
Her acting is tripe,                                        
Naught but media hype,                                      
And her life worse than soap-opera drama.                   
                                                            
10327 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       M. J. Mack               



There once was a girl named Madonna,                        
To all the boys said, "Do you wanna?"                       
Warren Beatty said no,                                      
And called her a 'Ho'.                                      
Now she cries and smokes marijuana.                         
                                                            
10328 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Tom Maguire              



A pop singer name of Madonna,                               
Oft sits (like a virgin) upon a                             
Rabid French poodle,                                        
Who chomps on her doodle,                                   
And gets soaked as if it's in a sauna.                      
                                                            
10329 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Tim Stuby                



A pop singer name of Madonna,                               
Fellated cold chocolate banonas.                            
Hauled in a hurry                                           
Before judge and jury,                                      
Said, "They're longer and harder, Your Honor!"              
                                                            
10330 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Mr. Vance                



The artist once known as Prince,                            
Made good old Madonna wince.                                
She said, "Wimpfuck, your breath                            
Scares me to death!                                         
After a blowjob, use mints!"                                
                                                            
10331 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Gene Brady               



Madonna, you know, is with child,                           
And it's got theologians quite riled,                       
That her increase in girth                                  
May be called 'Virgin Birth"                                
Though her trainer's been fucking her wild!                 
                                                            
10332 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Blaze                    



The commenters all commentaried                             
On whether Madonna got married.                             
No one knows for sure;                                      
The site was secure --                                      
Thus the secret non-story was carried.                      
                                                            
10333 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Election 2000            



The "Material Girl" is Madonna.                             
When singing, she often puts on a                           
Brassiere set with spikes;                                  
She's wild and she likes                                    
Sex, whether in bed or a sauna.                             
                                                            
10334 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       Satori Press             



Madonna's in a family way,                                  
And the proud, happy papa did say:                          
"The world's best known cunt                                
Pops out my little runt,                                    
When we celebrate her Labor Day!"                           
                                                            
10335 CELEBS - MUSIC - MADONNA       CB                       



"Just to be, is to do," said Rousseau.                      
"To do is to be," Sarte said so.                            
"Do-be-do-be-do-do"                                         
Sang Sinatra on cue.                                        
Do-be-do-be-do-be, and then go!                             
                                                            
10336 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       Prof M-G                 



He did it his way they say,                                 
Chalking up women to lay.                                   
He wooed 'em and crooned,                                   
And most of them swooned;                                   
Irregardless of his toupee.                                 
                                                            
10337 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       Logophilia               



Sometime a girl struck your fancy --                        
The rest had to cream in their pantsy.                      
But as for your spoor,                                      
It's sadly impure:                                          
You've left us with Jr. and Nancy.                          
                                                            
10338 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       H WHELCHEL               



From Egypt way down to Sumatra,                             
The boys all loved Cleopatra.                               
Marc Antony                                                 
And Julius C.                                               
And (God help us) Frankie Sinatra.                          
                                                            
10339 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       Ed Wolfert          P8405



There's really a lot to be said                             
For hearing Sinatra in bed.                                 
If you can't stand the tune,                                
It's so easy to swoon,                                      
Or to umpity-umpit instead.                                 
                                                            
10340 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA                           G2199



I find there's no humor in grief;                           
Frank's family sure shares this belief.                     
There loss is also ours,                                    
Even Las Vegas Towers                                       
Dimmed their lights, no matter how brief.                   
                                                            
10341 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       S C Saint                



It is true, The Chairman has gone                           
Leaving us to look higher and yon                           
For another "The Voice",                                    
As if there were a choice.                                  
Our music account is overdrawn.                             
                                                            
10342 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       S C Saint                



Old Blue Eyes is dead, now he's gone                        
To that great singers bandstand beyond.                     
A talent that spanned                                       
All 'cross the land;                                        
Frank Sinatra, I'll think of you fond.                      
                                                            
10343 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       Arden                    



To "Blue Eyes" we bid a "so long...",                       
Filling our hearts with a song.                             
Pledge it today,                                            
To do it your way...                                        
He did and it didn't go wrong.                              
                                                            
10344 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       PJ                       



Frank Sinatra, a great man of song,                         
Was arrested for singing too long.                          
Said Chuck Barris, the cop,                                 
"You may be on top,                                         
But singing too long means the gong."                       
                                                            
10345 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       Sandy Singer        P9603



"In the wee small hours of the morning,"                    
Old Blue Eyes left without warning.                         
"So Set 'em up Joe,"                                        
We have nowhere to go.                                      
Our respect we will pay with our mourning.                  
                                                            
10346 CELEBS - MUSIC - SINATRA       S C Saint                



Can you say what's become of Tom Lehrer?                    
As a comic that guy was a terror.                           
Not at all circumspect,                                     
His career got wrecked                                      
Just for telling the truth! What an error!                  
                                                            
10347 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller 0328         



It seems in a song, Tom implied                             
That at National Hero, our pride,                           
Was a Nazi, disloyal                                        
To ANYONE's soil                                            
And the lawyers, of course, took his side.                  
                                                            
10348 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller 0328         



It seems Tom was right all along                            
But the lawsuit for sure stilled his song.                  
Your chances are zero                                       
'Gainst a popular hero;                                     
Doen't matter you're right or you're wrong.                 
                                                            
10349 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller 0328         



Tom, wherever you are,                                      
You rank in my mind as a star.                              
But the public's as silly                                   
About someone called Willie...                              
And your satire would get just as far.                      
                                                            
10350 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller 0328         



I'm not sure to which you refer;                            
Did Lehrer create a big stir?                               
Coworkers and I                                             
Think he's quite a guy;                                     
Enjoying his music, yes sir!                                
                                                            
10351 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    Arden                    



Please make the effort to seek                              
Tom's version of Brotherhood Week.                          
He skewered them all;                                       
The big and the small,                                      
But the Vatican Rag made me weak.                           
                                                            
10352 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    Frank Fazed              



His songs were much more than a lark,                       
John noted he did light a spark.                            
The birds all took wing                                     
When they heard him sing,                                   
Poisoning Pigeons in the Park.                              
                                                            
10353 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    Frank Fazed              



I think it is worth it to seek,                             
Out Tom's version of Brotherhood Week.                      
Quite quickly tonight                                       
I found a web sight,                                        
Which I'm sure though is hardly unique.                     
(http://www.wiw.org/~drz/tom.lehrer/jmazner/lehrhtml.htmml) 
10354 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller              



Yes, Lehrer created a fuss                                  
And the way that he did dit was thus:                       
Dr. Werner von Braun                                        
Was the one he took on;                                     
Werner's lawyers did much more than cuss.                   
                                                            
10355 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller              



Tom's leanings were far left of center;                     
An area I seldom enter.                                     
But I have to admire                                        
His clever satire,                                          
And the verse of which he was inventor.                     
                                                            
10356 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller              



As I was about to entwine                                   
With a girl I found oh-so-divine,                           
His song, "Be Prepared"                                     
Most likely then spared                                     
The world from kids, both hers and mine.                    
                                                            
10357 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER    John Miller              



I want to try hunting right now,                            
But I'm quite a bit tipsy somehow.                          
So being the bearer                                         
Of Songs By Tom Lehrer,                                     
I'll shoot hunters, and wardens, and cow                    
                                                            
10358 CELEBS - MUSIC - TOM LEHRER                             



A Boston sub-deb named Brooks,                              
Whose hobby was reading sex books.                          
She married a Cabot                                         
Who looked like a rabbit,                                   
And deftly lived up to his looks.                           
                                                            
10359 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



Through the cafes of Paris they'd dash,                     
The couple had lots of panache.                             
When Gertrude was poke-less,                                
Miss Alice B. Tolklas                                       
Would offer Miss Stein her mustache.                        
                                                            
10360 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Silvia S Crockett   P0104



Ann Nicole some skiing runs ran,                            
But when she fell down on her can,                          
The SITZMARK impression                                     
Was such a dimension,                                       
A large avalanche then began.                               
                                                            
10361 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Chris Papa               



A devil named Aanton LaVey                                  
Was accustomed to having his way.                           
As he once said to Satan                                    
"This place is no Peyton,                                   
But I've managed to make it all pay."                       
                                                            
10362 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Neal Wilgus         P8205



The trouble with Betty Friedan                              
Is she misses the whole point of man.                       
When God made the penis                                     
He was thinking of Venus;                                   
Betty thinks of a trip to the can.                          
                                                            
10363 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                   P8112



Even one as white as me,                                    
Felt sadness, but no glee,                                  
At the sad death                                            
Of the Widow X.                                             
Goodbye to Mrs Shabazz...Betty.                             
                                                            
10364 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Shiela said of old bhagwan Sheree,                          
"His pecker hangs down to his knee.                         
With the girls he's a card,                                 
Only time it gets hard                                      
Is when the old fart has to pee."                           
                                                            
10365 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Clarence E. Boyle   P8807



There was a young man from Eurasia,                         
Who toasted his balls in a brazier,                         
Till they grew quite as hot      (Till they grew so tough)  
As the the glamorous twat,    (As to scuff the tough muff)  
Of Miss Brenda Diana Duff Frazier.                          
                                                            
10366 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                   L1418



There was a young man from East Asia,                       
The size of whose cock would amaze ya'.                     
It was wrinkled and rough                                   
And just fit the muff                                       
Of Brenda Diana Duff-Frazier                                
                                                            
10367 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Jim Weaver Collection    



We've numerous carnival freaks                              
Like midgets, fat ladies, and geeks,                        
But the worst one, by far,                                  
Weird, outre', and bizarre,                                 
Is one that we've had several weeks.                        
                                                            
10368 CELEBS - SOCIETY               John Dohner         P8605



A dog-faced boy, Jo-Jo, he is.                              
The best thing to enter show biz.                           
He can lay in the halls                                     
And lick both his balls,                                    
Apart or together -- Gee Whiz!                              
                                                            
10369 CELEBS - SOCIETY               John Dohner         P8605



And yes, we've got one or two bitches                       
(The kind who will keep you in stitches)                    
For they thing, for a drink,                                
You will get out your dink                                  
And lay them in meadows and ditches.                        
                                                            
10370 CELEBS - SOCIETY               John Dohner         P8605



So saunter in quickly, please do,                           
And catch this review ere it's through,                     
Then perhaps you'll believe                                 
What we have up our sleeve                                  
Is clever, enthralling -- and new!                          
                                                            
10371 CELEBS - SOCIETY               John Dohner         P8605



There once was a dame, Carrie Nation,                       
Who suffered constant menstruation.                         
She asked, "Why can't I                                     
(Who will never be 'dry')                                   
With a hatchet, cut off men's libations?"                   
                                                            
10372 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Goodbye Mr. Schultz and fare well,                          
Your pen filled with ink wove a spell.                      
Over all that could see                                     
Ourselves, you and me,                                      
In the four paneled stories you'd tell.                     
                                                            
10373 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



Your gift was so much like haiku.                           
Surprising how much you could do                            
With a few short ink strokes,                               
Turning trials into jokes,                                  
Pointing out the truths which we knew.                      
                                                            
10374 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



It's sad that it all had to end.                            
I wonder how will we contend                                
With that empty space.                                      
No one will replace                                         
Those laughs on which we'd depend.                          
                                                            
10375 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



"Cartoons are my life," he did say,                         
It's so sad that he died yesterday.                         
Along with the gang,                                        
My heart feels a pang;                                      
I'll miss them all every Sunday.                            
                                                            
10376 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



Miss Parker opined with great wit;                          
That if owners of yoni and tit,                             
At a frat house weekend                                     
Were laid end to end,                                       
It wouldn't surprise her a bit.                             
                                                            
10377 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Larry Davis         P9004



To Elizabeth Arden you flee!                                
She's the best, you can take it from me.                    
From body massage                                           
To cosmetic triage,                                         
No man treats you better than she!                          
                                                            
10378 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Annie Jay                



They said she was just a cruel tease,                       
When the foreplay she'd frequently freeze.                  
"I'm Emily Post!                                            
I'll not let you coast!                                     
No blow-job until you say please!"                          
                                                            
10379 CELEBS - SOCIETY               TuttaGioia               



Despite Betty Friedan's fierce cry,                         
There are some rights we men must deny.                     
Think you'll allow, sirs,                                   
That feminine trousers,                                     
Need not be equipped with a fly.                            
                                                            
10380 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



The observant philosopher, Black,                           
Stuck his prick in Miss Stein from the back.                
Then he fucked her in front                                 
And he said of her cunt,                                    
That a crack is a crack is a crack.                         
                                                            
10381 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0478



An explorer of note once did hunt                           
Through the masses of hair out in front                     
Of Miss Stein's crotch hirsute,                             
And observed, so astute                                     
That a cunt is a cunt is a cunt.                            
                                                            
10382 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0477



To Miss Stein, this philosopher slick                       
As a fucker was far, far too quick,                         
So his pecker she sucked                                    
And she said, "I deduct                                     
That a prick is a prick is a prick."                        
                                                            
10383 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0479



As Gloria Leonard would say,                                
The lighting's the optimum way                              
To contrast the erotic                                      
With porno and its clique,                                  
Yet that subject's totally gray.                            
(She said diff between porn and erotic was lighting - McW)  
10384 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Michael Polo        P9004



Women's lib Steinem, Glorious Gloria!                       
Floating around in phantasmagoria.                          
Since we now have the "pill",                               
Lib is over the hill.                                       
It will never play in Peoria.                               
                                                            
10385 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Edward C. Wolfert   P8112



"Your hat's festooned in back," I told Nellis,              
"I don't have a festoon and I'm jealous."                   
The reply that I heard,                                     
To the point, seemed absurd,                                
"That thing's known as a Havelock, Ellis."                  
                                                            
10386 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



Said the wise Henry David Thoreau,                          
"One must watch where one's money doth go.                  
Be prudent, be frugal,                                      
Heed not Gotham's bugle.                                    
Though, for me, it's the Club Med-a-Go-Go."                 
                                                            
10387 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Arthur Deex         P0204



Mr. Kissinger kisses the misses,                            
And smiles, "What a blissful life this is!"                 
But a loathsome disease                                     
Puts an end to his ease:                                    
Now Kissinger misses the kisses.                            
                                                            
10388 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Laurence Perrine    P8512



According to H. D. Thoreau,                                 
You should get into Nature's sweet flow,                    
And live in the woods,                                      
Spurn luxury goods --                                       
And eat only fast foods, to-go.                             
                                                            
10389 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Norm Storer         P9812



Pray tell me if you should know                             
The name of the man, friend or foe,                         
Believer or scoffer,                                        
Who last saw Jimmy Hoffa.                                   
The answer's, of course, Jacques Costeau.                   
                                                            
10390 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Arthur Deex         P8607



Abzug and Steinum, Friedan and Grier;                       
All sex-starved broads, I'll bet you a beer.                
They'd trade liberation                                     
For male copulation;                                        
Come on, guys; let's volunteer!                             
                                                            
10391 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Edward C. Wolfert   P8112



Be the match made in Heaven or Hell,                        
Who could date a renowned ne'er-do-well?                    
But a famous no-use?                                        
Some one please introduce                                   
Kato Kaylin to Monica L!                                    
                                                            
10392 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Prof M-G                 



Sipping a glass of fine port,                               
While the butler swept up the ort,                          
He told raucous tales                                       
Of gales, whales and frails.                                
He was an Ern'st Hemingway sort.                            
                                                            
10393 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Jim Jambor          P9101



A Back Bay attorney named Kyle,                             
Kept a very elaborate file,                                 
On the sexual habits                                        
Of Lowells and Cabots,                                      
And found them surprising vile.                             
                                                            
10394 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Isaac Asimov             



That Flynn Air Force pilot named Kelly,                     
Was playing nude, belly to belly,                           
With a married guy,                                         
Who was sort of sly.                                        
Now the whole sordid tale's on the telly.                   
                                                            
10395 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Frank Spectre            



That curvaceous pilot named Flinn,                          
When they charged her with living in sin,                   
Said "Honey, the brass                                      
Say I must toss your ass;                                   
But oh, what the hell, put it in!"                          
                                                            
10396 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Joe Long                 



There once was a Madame called Tussaud,                     
Who loved the grond folk in 'Who's Who' so,                 
That she made them in wax,                                  
Both their front and their backs,                           
And she asked no permission to do so.                       
                                                            
10397 CELEBS - SOCIETY               C Inge            (Bibby)



Martha Stewart's insisting: "Did not                        
Ever fudge over stocks that I'd got."                       
Said she, "Honorable judge,                                 
It ain't my kind of fudge.                                  
And the best kind of stock's in a pot!"                     
                                                            
10398 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



Martha told her broker by phone:                            
Just dump all my shares of Imclone.                         
This great stroke of luck                                   
Saved her more than a buck.                                 
Next day, the price dropped like a stone.                   
                                                            
10399 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Frank Petersohn          



Enjoying a trip on Titanic,                                 
And disdaining the general panic,                           
Molly Brown, the unsinkable,                                
Ignored the unthinkable,                                    
And successfully crossed the Atlantic.                      
                                                            
10400 CELEBS - SOCIETY               K J Jennisng       TP9804



Now Mrs. Houdini won't dare                                 
To sit very long in one chair.                              
She shifts and she sings                                    
The eeriest things,                                         
But mostly the song OVER THERE.                             
                                                            
10401 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Irving Superior     P8710



To Mrs. Houdini -- "My Dear:                                
I told you, I'd somehow appear.                             
I told you, when able,                                      
I'd seance your table,                                      
So sit over there, Dear, I'm HERE!"                         
                                                            
10402 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Irving Superior     P8710



I went to see Dr. Dallas                                    
To check on the state of my phallus.                        
"Just a quick question, Doc.                                
If this Dick Trickle won't stop,                            
Will I end up with a Rusty Wallace?"                        
                                                            
10403 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Gearhart           TP9807



"I'm fearful of Christmas," said Howard                     
"And the feeling has me overpowered."                       
"I see," siad his shrink,                                   
"Well, the reason I think                                   
Is perhaps because you're a Noel Coward."                   
                                                            
10404 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Bob Biandomenico    P8801



Pamela Lee looks real nice!                                 
She's been in my dreams once or twice!                      
She I'd never marry,                                        
'Cause that's just too scary;                               
Don't want the whole pie, just a slice!                     
(Britney Spears also by Observer)                           
10405 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Jumping Jack             



Things aren't always Hunky Dory,                            
Once you've attained fame and glory.                        
Paparazzi                                                   
Are so gutsey,                                              
For a nice juicy small little story.                        
                                                            
10406 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Nawhal                   



Paul Marks is just one of those pricks                      
Who would have us do Clintonesque tricks.                   
Just because he's a Brit,                                   
He thinks he has wit,                                       
And the rest of the world is all hicks.                     
(who is he? - McW)                                          
10407 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



Women's lib hates you, Phyllis Schafly.                     
You're so sexy and (Garbo'd say) loffly.                    
You stirred up the backlash                                 
That settles their hash.                                    
We grateful to you. Thanks awfully.                         
(awfully is the operative word - McW)                       
10408 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Edward C. Wolfert   P8112



Ralph Waldo, how naive you are!                             
From the truth of the matter, how far!                      
Accept my advisement,                                       
Without advertisement,                                      
You won't sell a five-cent cigar.                           
                                                            
10409 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Laurence Perrine    P9208



A "man of the moment" is Reagan;                            
Another is "cosmical" Sagan;                                
But the former is antic,                                    
The latter pendantic --                                     
May the moment soon pass, a new Begin!                      
                                                            
10410 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Kathleen A. Martin  P8302



That cocksucking fag Richard Simmons,                       
Sells diets to overgrowed wimmens.                          
But the diet he wants                                       
Is his buns on a schvanze,                                  
Like a hot dog with all of the trimmins.                    
                                                            
10411 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



Steve Fossett's balloon locomotion                          
Had circling the world for a notion.                        
He ballooned night and day                                  
For two thirds of the way,                                  
But then fell with a splash in the ocean!                   
                                                            
10412 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Prof M-G                 



It's a part of American lore                                
That Thoreau, on Walden's calm shore,                       
With ruthless efficiency,                                   
Preached self-sufficiency,                                  
While buying his beans from a store.                        
                                                            
10413 CELEBS - SOCIETY               John E Maywood           



A man of great practice and theory                          
Is the stand-up philosopher Leary.                          
His life is worthwhile                                      
If he can just SMIILE                                       
And fornicate till he is weary.                             
(Space migration, intelligence increase, life extension)    
10414 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Neal Wilgus         P8205



A queer with a voice kind of throaty,                       
And a body all flabby and bloaty,                           
Said, "I like the fighters,                                 
But mostly the writers.                                     
I'd die for my Truman Capote."                              
                                                            
10415 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Consider the plight of U. Geller,                           
A remarkable, tricky young feller.                          
Once, to tease, bent some keys.                             
Then said, "God, I own these,                               
And now I've locked myself in the celler."                  
                                                            
10416 CELEBS - SOCIETY               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9503



Remember that Israeli feller,                               
That went by the name Uri Geller?                           
Spoons he would bend,                                       
Just by stroking their end.                                 
His book then became a best seller.                         
                                                            
10417 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



He watched a porn movie, felt rand-                         
Y; Grasping his dick in his hand,                           
It bent at each stroke,                                     
And finally, poor bloke,                                    
The thing came away in his hand.                            
                                                            
10418 CELEBS - SOCIETY                                        



Miss Vanderbilt screwed twenty goats.                       
(On their prowess she fervently dotes.)                     
When she got through,                                       
She had a cold brew,                                        
And wrote them all nice thank-you notes.                    
                                                            
10419 CELEBS - SOCIETY               TuttaGioia               



A house Barbie has, and a car.                              
But poor Ken has nothing so far.                            
She has those big boobs                                     
That startle the rubes --                                   
Ken doesn't even have a cigar!                              
                                                            
10420 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Marlene Lewis            



TOYS R US I once entered on whim                            
And addressed a clerk, sere, gaunt, and prim.               
"For these dolls I've a yen.                                
Barbie here comes with Ken?"                                
She said, "No, Barbie fakes it with him."                   
                                                            
10421 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9206



Been everywhere, done everything,                           
That ditz Barbie can really swing.                          
She has lots of toys                                        
But she has no boys,                                        
Just that eunuch Ken with no-thing.                         
                                                            
10422 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Marlene Lewis            



Some chickie size 44D                                       
With a waist you can barely see,                            
Those tiny little feet,                                     
A butt trim and neat;                                       
You guessed it, her name is Barbie!                         
                                                            
10423 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Marlene                  



When thinking of 44D's,                                     
It's not Barbie I'm dreaming of, please;                    
Her proportions are wrong.                                  
It's just sometimes I long                                  
For those girls built for comfort and ease.                 
                                                            
10424 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Peter Wilkins            



Oh, stop pussy footing, it's fat,                           
And proud I am of it at that.                               
I like being a troll                                        
With roll upon roll,                                        
And tits the size of a large cat.                           
                                                            
10425 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Karen                    



Playing Barbie can harm our children;                       
Girls are taught they should dress for the men.             
Free fems don't act that way,                               
Though some cynics still say                                
That our Barbie takes orders from Ken.                      
                                                            
10426 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Jim Weaver Collection    



The beautiful busty blonde doll                             
Said, "Ken used to hold me in thrall,                       
Until I found out                                           
His manhood's in doubt --                                   
He ain't got a bell-pull at all!"                           
                                                            
10427 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Marlene Lewis            



If Ken had a masculine pole                                 
He'd be courting a regular doll:                            
For no matter how stacked,                                  
It's a matter of fact,                                      
That Barbie lacks the requisite hole.                       
                                                            
10428 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Peter Wilkins            



That makes them a virtuous pair;                            
Looks like neither one has a prayer                         
Of getting a baby,                                          
Unless, perchance maybe,                                    
They go out and purchase a heir.                            
                                                            
10429 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Marlene Lewis            



I hope what I say isn't perjury,                            
But life for those two must be dirgery.                     
You'll have to go tell                                      
Those guys at Mattel,                                       
Those dolls need some real plastic surgery.                 
                                                            
10430 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Tiddy Ogg                



On dolls I never laid my eyes;                              
At age ten then to my surprise,                             
My first real dolly                                         
Was little fat molly,                                       
Whose touch made my willie to rise.                         
                                                            
10431 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Dirruk                   



For Barbie, Ken's always been there;                        
Handsome, doting, with muscles to spare;                    
But Oh, Lordy, Lordy!                                       
He's finally turned forty                                   
With nary a single gray hair.                               
                                                            
10432 CELEBS - SOCIETY - BARBIE      Dr Limerick  03-14-01    



An author who laid down the law,                            
Though fed upon lentils and straw,                          
Lived in the Adelphi                                        
And piling up pelf, he                                      
Was pleased with himself, to B. Shaw.                       
                                                            
10433 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      H Taylor          (Bibby)



Claire Booth Luce said, "It's really a crime.               
Henry's assets are not always prime.                        
My budget's been cut.                                       
Makes me feel like a slut."                                 
Saying that, she took a stitch in Time.                     
                                                            
10434 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Tom Patton          P0311



Helen Keller was tossed into jail                           
As a nuisance without any bail.                             
She would feel the swell bumps                              
Of the boys till their rumps                                
Were all red from her version of Braille.                   
                                                            
10435 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Don Moore                



When Einstein once spoke on his cellular,                   
He phoned an old flame, Helen Kellular.                     
She said, "I am blind                                       
With an excellent mind,                                     
But I really can't tell who the helluar.                    
                                                            
10436 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Phillip de Vos      P9702



Helen Keller's pussy grew tight,                            
As she rubbed her clit late at night.                       
She tickled that gland                                      
With just her left hand,                                    
And silently moaned with her right.                         
                                                            
10437 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                          P8205



With her first orgasm, she did flips,                       
(They were really stumbles and trips).                      
Helen Keller thought it great                               
When she learned to masturbate,                             
Which she taught herself by reading lips.                   
                                                            
10438 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                               



With her first she wanted another,                          
And another and another and another.                        
Helen thought it so grand                                   
She used only one hand;                                     
That way she could moan with the other.                     
                                                            
10439 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                               



She hoped her mom wouldn't foil it.                         
Her new pleasure too good to spoil it.                      
Her mom did rave                                            
And the punishment she gave,                                
Was leaving the plunger in the toilet.                      
                                                            
10440 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                               



Reading lips is a thing rather queer;                       
Pussy lips though don't say much I fear.                    
All the ones that I've read,                                
Every one of them said,                                     
"Please to insert pecker here!"                             
                                                            
10441 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                               



Miss Madeline O'Hare is not quaint,                         
And folks may regret their complaint.                       
I wish to apprise,                                          
God works in disguise;                                      
Perhaps the nice lady's a saint.                            
                                                            
10442 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Margaret A. Murdock P8302



Ms. Madeline Murray O'Hare                                  
Went to church one day on a dare.                           
She stirred up the vicar                                    
Who decided to dicker                                       
(He probably wasn't all there).                             
(she sued and got the prayers out of the schools)           
10443 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Neal Wilgus         P8205



One morning Mahatma Ghandi,                                 
Had a hardon, and it was a dandy.                           
So he said to his aide,                                     
"Please bring me a maid,                                    
Or a goat, or whatever is handy.                            
                                                            
10444 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                          L0603



A man named Mahatma Ghandi,                                 
Whose clothes were exceedingly scanty;                      
To scratch his left ball                                    
Was no trouble at all,                                      
In fact, 'twas convenient and handy.                        
                                                            
10445 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                               



There was a Mahatma named Ghandi,                           
Who went into a bar for a shandy.                           
He took off his loin-cloth                                  
To wipe all the froth off,                                  
Said the barman, "How awfully handy."                       
                                                            
10446 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      H. H. Cummings      P9702



Mohandas Ghandi followed gnosis,                            
Barefoot everywhere on his toeses,                          
Thin, frail and agile,                                      
Super-calloused fragile                                     
Mystic plagued with halitosis.                              
                                                            
10447 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Daniel Ford              



Have you heard when Mahatma Gandhi                          
Stepped up to the bar for a brandy?                         
He lifted his sheet                                         
To assuage the great heat,      (To wipe off his cheek,)    
And the barkeep said, "Christ, it's a dandy!"               
                                                            
10448 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS                          G0340



There was an old person of Bangor,                          
Whose face was distorted with anger;                        
He tore off his shoes                                       
And reverted to booze,                                      
Whenever he saw Margaret Sanger!                            
                                                            
10449 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Edwardian Leer 112       



Martin Luther King, so they say,                            
Was an honest young man in his way.                         
When his mom found the mess                                 
On the sheets, he confessed,                                
"Why, I had a dream today!"                                 
                                                            
10450 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Jean Chapeau        T9711



I'm taking to heart what you say,                           
And now I will toast MLK.                                   
Then I will sing,                                           
Let freedom ring,                                           
'Cause I'm free from work for the day!                      
                                                            
10451 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Annie Jay                



From the mountains of Georgia's great state,                
To the Cascades and the Golden Gate,                        
For you, Doctor King,                                       
We will let freedom ring,                                   
And our bigotry we'll dissipate.                            
                                                            
10452 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Chris Bolivar            



For a moment stop, pause, and reflect,                      
And show a great man some respect.                          
For Martin L. King,                                         
Let's all "Let Freedom Ring"                                
And all racial hatred reject.                               
                                                            
10453 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Chris Bolivar            



Though it's said Oscar Wilde was a fag,                     
Whose talents had started to sag.                           
When they threw him in jail                                 
For wagging his tail,                                       
There were many still tailing the wag.                      
                                                            
10454 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Hugh Clary               



Old Oscar he hung 'round in bars,                           
And often would down a few jars.                            
He'd stagger out, mutter,                                   
"We're all in the gutter,                                   
But some of us look at the stars."                          
                                                            
10455 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Tiddy                    



Said Oscar, "Now I can converse                             
On any subject, no time to rehearse.                        
A voice said "The Queen!"                                   
Oscar, reagal in mien,                                      
Said, "The Queen's not a subject, dear sirs."               
                                                            
10456 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Dr Limerick              



A tidbit on young Oscar Wilde.                              
The thing that would drive Oscar wild--                     
Those wish-washy chaps                                      
Who'd "No" and "Perhaps."                                   
And these were the chaps Oscar wiled.                       
                                                            
10457 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Irving Superior     P9111



He grew up a talented child,                                
But Queensbury's son he defiled.                            
It was not being queer                                      
That put him in fear,                                       
But persecution that made Oscar Wilde.                      
                                                            
10458 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Tony Burrell             



After reading these rhymes, Oscar Wilde                     
Said, "I feel that my mind is defiled...                    
So if it was intended                                       
That I be offended,                                         
I was...but regaled and beguiled!"                          
                                                            
10459 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Grand Prix Lim  982      



Austalians the Grand Prix defiled;                          
Their attitude's not meek or mild.                          
Murray Walker did shout                                     
"Throw those hooligans out!"                                
But my man, that Old Oz car's wild.                         
                                                            
10460 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Tony Burrell             



Oscar Wilde an outcast over long,                           
Spoke paradox, to society a prong.                          
He viewed marriage askance,                                 
Distrust in his glance --                                   
"The tyranny of the weak o'er the strong".                  
                                                            
10461 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Anton Kovar         P8309



There was one thing which served to undo                    
Oscar Wilde with a jail term or two.                        
It wasn't because he                                        
Was buggering Bosey;                                        
It was suing to prove it untrue.                            
                                                            
10462 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      A. N. Wilkins       P8909



Oscar Wilde's public triumph was short,                     
But his fall wasn't caused by the sport.                    
It wasn't because he                                        
Was buggering Boise,                                        
But because he took papa to court.                          
                                                            
10463 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      A. N. Wilkins       P8601



Now Oscar was a man of renown;                              
Few like him cound be found around town.                    
One thing between us,                                       
We both declared genius,                                    
But his case had far better grounds.                        
                                                            
10464 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Tony Burrell             



Said Oscar, while humping a chum,                           
"Although I am ready to come,                               
I've just thought of a line                                 
That's incredibly fine...                                   
Do you mind if I write on your bum?"                        
                                                            
10465 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Did Oscar Wilde yield to ennui?                             
No!  He thought up a new way to pee:                        
He'd suck on his lily                                       
(Though some thought him silly)                             
And urinate on his right knee.                              
                                                            
10466 CELEBS - SOCIETY - GIANTS      Anon                     



A pinup long loved, Bettie Page,                            
Many Christmases ago was the rage                           
In a Santa Claus suit,                                      
Both daring and cute.                                       
In our hearts, she is still center-stage.                   
                                                            
10467 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Satori Press             



The left leg of a model, Miss Slade,                        
In an ad for fine hose was displayed.                       
Her right leg she did choose                                
To promote ladies' shoes,                                   
And between them a living was made.                         
                                                            
10468 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Albin Chaplin            



When Men see the beautiful Christie,                        
They gawk and get turny and twisty.                         
Her Vacation was fun;                                       
She's posed in the sun,                                     
In rain and days couldy and misty.                          
                                                            
10469 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Satori Press             



Christie Brinkley, I know, has a loo,                       
And the toilet is spanking brand new.                       
For she has no need,                                        
As it's guaranteed                                          
That she doesn't go poo-poo-dee-doo!                        
                                                            
10470 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Jim Weaver Collection    



A sharp supermodel named Cindy,                             
Looks great when it's sunny or windy.                       
Her Fair Game was Gere,                                     
But she scared him, I fear,                                 
With her oomph, ooh-la-la and her lindy.                    
                                                            
10471 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Satori Press             



A young fraulein model, C. Schiffer,                        
Has dazzled us with no relief; her                          
Unique ammunition                                           
Has claimed a magician --                                   
On magic he won't have to brief her.                        
                                                            
10472 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Sartori                  



Get your Signature Palm Pilot from                          
Claudiaschiffer.com.                                        
But though strokes may differ,                              
There are parts of Ms Schiffer                              
That distract me from seeing her palm.                      
                                                            
10473 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Election 2000            



While sunbathing at our blue sea                            
The Body, that's Elle, I did see.                           
Caused a commotion,                                         
Down by the ocean,                                          
You see that polevaulter?  That's me!                       
                                                            
10474 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Archie                   



There was a top model named Elle;                           
In the trade she was known as La Belle.                     
When displaying or wearing                                  
Latest fashions so daring,                                  
She was paid by designers to sell.                          
                                                            
10475 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Arthur Pattaffy          



A lovely young model named Elle                             
Has gotten me under her spell.                              
This uninhibited Aussie                                     
In "Sirens" was saucy;                                      
Her calendars just sell and sell.                           
                                                            
10476 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Satori                   



Some people think it takes rehearsin',                      
Without it, they'll certainly worsen.                       
But I have sex every day,                                   
In a virtual way,                                           
While logged in with Elle MacPherson.                       
                                                            
10477 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Bean Anderson            



Fashion models are up in a huff;                            
Their conditions are getting quite rough.                   
Their very high fees                                        
Are smaller by degrees,                                     
As bosses say that "Enough is enough!"                      
                                                            
10478 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Arthur Pattaffy          



A male model from North MacClesfield,                       
Had a contract that was signed and was sealed.              
For last winter's display,                                  
He was in disarray;                                         
What he's paid 'twas not fully revealed.                    
                                                            
10479 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Arthur Pattaffy          



A sexy young model named Prude                              
For artists had posed in the nude.                          
Since she posed with a passion,                             
This young lady of fashion,                                 
She was oft misconstrued and got screwed.                   
                                                            
10480 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Albin Chaplin   3024-0300



A top supermodel, Ms. Campbell,                             
Has stated she will never amble                             
While dressed all in fur;                                   
Good! We'd rather see her                                   
In nature's own covering, gambol.                           
                                                            
10481 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Satori Press             



Once top models were simplly athletic,                      
Then their bods were maintained by emetic.                  
But now they're selected                                    
And opti-corrected                                          
For qualities photogenetic.                                 
                                                            
10482 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Anon                     



The world's famous model's curvacious;                      
She's intelligent, even sagacious.                          
In next season's clothes,                                   
Or a calendar pose,                                         
She's a beauty, she's cute and vivacious.                   
                                                            
10483 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady called Twiggy,                       
Who secretly ate like a piggy.                              
One day she threw up                                        
Sixteen quarts and a cup,                                   
And she lost all her hair and went wiggy.                   
                                                            
10484 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS                               



A bikini-clad babe, Tyra Banks,                             
Is the cover, uncovered, with thanks,                       
Of Sports Illustrated.                                      
That's twice, so she's rated                                
The top of the uncovered ranks.                             
                                                            
10485 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Satori Press             



There was a young model named Tyra,                         
Freelance, she was always on hire, a                        
Parisian designer,                                          
Had to resign, a                                            
Sneak told his wife of an admirer.                          
                                                            
10486 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Arthur Pattaffy          



She modelled her hair on the screen;                        
The rest of her's never been seen.                          
She spoke to her lover                                      
Who, under strict cover,                                    
Made a wardrobe in pure velveteen.                          
                                                            
10487 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Arthur Pattaffy          



Victoria's secret I ponder,                                 
As I stare at her sexy curves yonder;                       
Mona Lisa she's not,                                        
Jane Fonda's red-hot,                                       
But what she's got's fonder than Fonda.                     
                                                            
10488 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Joel D Ash          P0207



Modern ways to enhance female form,                         
Underpants and support beyond norm;                         
To transform and reshape,                                   
Making males gawk and gape,                                 
Midst the swarm every guy turning warm.                     
                                                            
10489 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Joel D Ash          P0207



How they yearn to peruse what's beneath,                    
Manly genes, randy fathers bequeath;                        
Like a jolt of strong brandy,                               
This sight of love candy,                                   
Makes every stud burn to unsheathe.                         
                                                            
10490 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Joel D Ash          P0207



If her secret were known -- what effect?                    
Perhaps not the one girls expect;                           
Ragged holes in her shorts,                                 
Neither stalls nor oft thwarts;                             
A defect that drives men to connect.                        
                                                            
10491 CELEBS - SOCIETY - MODELS      Joel D Ash          P0207



Ivana was dumped by Don Trump.                              
He threw her right out on her rump.                         
His actions were rash                                       
But the settlement cash                                     
Worked out to twelve thousand a hump.                       
                                                            
10492 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Parker Waterman     P0206



There once was a builder named Don                          
Whose father, indeed, had gone on.                          
He lived in Trump Tower,                                    
The seat of his power;                                      
Tall buildings gave him a hard-on.                          
                                                            
10493 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Norm                     



One day he ran into Dave,                                   
Who said, "Come into my cave.                               
You'll meet my 'piece',                                     
You won't need a lease.                                     
Think of the money you'll save."                            
                                                            
10494 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Norm                     



Don said, "What could be sillier                            
That a tycoon with necrophilia?                             
As to that cadaver,                                         
You can just have her.                                      
And get your hand off my sleeve, will ya?                   
                                                            
10495 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Norm                     



He returned to his penthouse (high rent);                   
On just one thing his thoughts were bent.                   
That old masturbator                                        
Did it in the elevator.                                     
"I'll give up tall buildings for Lent."                     
                                                            
10496 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Norm                     



When Donald got rid of Ivana,                               
He lit up a smuggled Havana.                                
He bounced the Czech                                        
To clear the deck                                           
For Marla, his key to NIRVANA.                              
                                                            
10497 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Norm Brust               



Young Marla, who, history will tell,                        
Soon had a big belly, as well.                              
But then she and tot,                                       
Kept by Donald NOT.                                         
He ditched her for new love as well.                        
                                                            
10498 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Chris Papa               



Do take this advice, darling lass:                          
Trade the Donald for someone with class.                    
Don't linger in limbo                                       
While he chases bimbos.                                     
Entre nous, dear, he's always been crass.                   
                                                            
10499 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Kathleen Mangiapane P9005



While researching Trump, my wife said,                      
"Pretent I'm Ivana instead....                              
Pretend you're a rich                                       
Type son of a bitch                                         
And twenty years younger in bed."                           
                                                            
10500 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Irving Superior     P9007



Ivana for diamonds seeks loot;                              
Marla's heart has been broken to boot.                      
His clubs they concur                                       
That with spades they'll inter                              
With elan. Watch our Don Trump each suit.                   
                                                            
10501 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Bob Giandomenico    P9006



Donald Trump the Triumphant was born                        
To swagger, but love left him lorn.                         
So he purchased six strumpets                               
And named them his Trumpettes,                              
So he won't have to blow his own horn.                      
                                                            
10502 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Don Moore           P9006



Though you start every day with a jump,                     
And play your cards well without slump,                     
You'll fail by those arts                                   
In clubs, diamonds, and hearts.                             
If you win it will be in No Trump.                          
                                                            
10503 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Laurence Perrine    P9006



We do not agree in a lump                                   
Concerning the financeer Trump.                             
Some think him a first-class                                
Fat horse's ass,                                            
And others a rich horse's rump.                             
                                                            
10504 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Laurence Perrine    P9006



To research my limerick on Trump,                           
I found me three blonds I could hump.                       
Then nextly I bought                                        
The lengthliest yacht                                       
Then sold all my stocks that might slump.                   
                                                            
10505 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Irving Superior     P9007



Known for his matrimonial bumps,                            
To be Prexy the billionnaire stumps.                        
Though he's not as gracious                                 
As "Bill, the Salacious"                                    
He declares smugly, "Donald is Trumps."                     
                                                            
10506 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Loern Fitzhugh      P0001



On the tails of his planes he paints TRUMPs                 
And on rumps of the girls that he humps.                    
But he signs his full name                                  
On the checks for the dame                                  
That he marries and awkwardly dumps.                        
                                                            
10507 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Arthur Deex         P9006



It's obvious that Donald Trump's                            
Main interest is in mammary bumps.                          
So when he is out,                                          
There's never a doubt                                       
He's not with flat chested frumps.                          
                                                            
10508 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP       Harry Rubin         P9110



"Wigglety Waggelty WITCH                                    
Ivana be wickedly RICH!"                                    
She counted to ten                                          
Then a small bee fell in,                                   
And she turned herself into a Bitch.                        
                                                            
10509 CELEBS - SOCIETY - TRUMP                                



There was a young maid from Madras                          
Who had a magnificent ass;                                  
Not rounded and pink,                                       
Like you probably think--                                   
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass                   
                                                            
10510 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Anon                L1581



The limerick form is complex,                               
Its contents run chiefly to sex.                            
It burgeons with virgins,                                   
And masculine urgin's,                                      
And swarms with erotic effects.                             
                                                            
10511 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Anon (Bibby)        L1621



The limerick is furtive and mean;                           
You must keep her in close quarantine,                      
Or she sneaks to the slums                                  
And promptly becomes                                        
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.                             
                                                            
10512 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Morris Bishop            



A disgusting young man named McGill,                        
Made all of his neighbors quite ill,                        
When they found out his habits                              
Involving white rabbits,                                    
And a bird with a flexible bill.                            
                                                            
10513 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN                                L1668



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
With erogenous zones on her toes.                           
She was quite onanistic                                     
Till a foot-fetishistic                                     
Young man became one of her beaux.                          
(Usually this one has to be explained - McW)                
10514 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN                                L1340



God's plan made a hopeful beginning                         
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.                     
We trust that the story                                     
Will end in God's glory,                                    
But at present, the other side's winning.                   
                                                            
10515 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Anon                     



There was a young fellow named Yorrick,                     
Who often in moments euphoric,                              
Could upon direction             (Could by election)        
Raise an erection:               (Have triune erection)     
Ionian, Corinthian, or Doric.                               
                                                            
10516 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN                                L0258



There was a young fellow named Hyde,                        
Who fell into an outhouse and died.                         
His unfortunate brother                                     
Fell into another;                                          
Now they're interred side by side.                          
(And the verdict on both--sewercide.)                       
10517 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Langford Reed       L0709



There was a young fairy from Khartoum,                      
Who took a lesbian up to his room.                          
They argued all night,                                      
As to who had the right,                                    
To do what, and with which, and to whom.                    
                                                            
10518 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN                                L0056



There once was a girl who intended,                         
To keep herself morally splendid,                           
And ascend into Glory,                                      
Which is not a bad story,                                   
Except that is not how it ended.                            
                                                            
10519 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            John Ciardi              



There was a young lady named Hall,                          
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.                           
The dress caught on fire,                                   
And burned her entire,                                      
Front page, sporting section, and all.                      
                                                            
10520 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN                                L1169



There as a young lady of Kent,                              
Who said that she knew what it meant,                       
When men asked her to dine,                                 
Private room, lots of wine;                                 
She knew what it meant, but she went.                       
                                                            
10521 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Langford Reed       L1591



A preacher by the name of McWhinners,                       
Held classes each evening for sinners.                      
They were sectioned and rated,      (graded and spaced)     
So the very degraded,               (debased)               
Would not be held back by beginners.                        
                                                            
10522 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Anon                G1133



A bather, whose clothing was strewed                        
By breezes that lift her quite nude,                        
Saw a man come along,                                       
And, unless I am wrong,                                     
You expected this line to be lewd.                          
                                                            
10523 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Anon (Untermeyer)   L1587



He hated to sew, so young Ned,                              
Rang the bell of a neighbor instead.                        
But her husband said, "Vi                                   
When you stitched his torn fly,                             
There was no need to bite off the thread.                   
                                                            
10524 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN                                     



There was a young lady named Wilde,                         
Who kept herself quite undefiled,                           
By thinking of Jesus,                                       
Contagious diseases,                                        
And the bother of having a child.                           
                                                            
10525 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN            Norman Douglas      L0909



She wasn't what one would call pretty,                      
And other girls offered her pity,                           
So nobody guessed                                           
That her Wassermann test                                    
Involved half the men in the city.                          
                                                            
10526 CLASSIC - 1 - CLEAN                                     



In the Garden of Eden lay Adam                              
Caressing the teats of his madam.                           
And loud was his mirth,                                     
For he knew that on earth,                                  
There were only two balls, and he had'em.                   
(There were only two tits--and he'd pat 'em.)               
10527 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Anon                L0126



There was a young girl from Milpitas,                       
Who loved to indulge in coitus,                             
'Til a halfback from State                                  
Made her periods late,                                      
She contracted an athlete's foetus.                         
                                                            
10528 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                G1690



There once was a man from Helsinki,                         
With desires for sex that was kinky.                        
He likes sex with things                                    
Like coils and like springs,                                
So keep him away from your slinky.                          
                                                            
10529 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Anon                     



A nude wooed a prude from Bermuda,                          
She was shrewed, but the nude, he was shrewder.             
She said, "It is lewd                                       
To be screwed in the nude."                                 
But he wooed her, pursued her, and screwed her.             
                                                            
10530 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0006



There once was a harlot at Yale,                            
With her price-list tattooed on her tail.                   
And on her behind,                                          
For the sake of the blind,                                  
Was a duplicate version in Braille.                         
(She had it embroidered in Braille.)                        
10531 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Anon                L1070



I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing                       
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"             
I replied, "Simple shagging,                                
Without any wagging,                                        
Is only for screwing canoeing."                             
                                                            
10532 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0294



There was a young girl from Cape Cod,                       
Who thought all babies came from God.                       
But it wasn't the almighty                                  
Who lifted her nightie,                                     
'Twas Roger, the dodger, by God!                            
(That dirty old codger! The bleeder, the blighter, the sod!)
10533 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                     



There was a young sailor named Bates,                       
Who danced the fandango on skates.                          
He fell on his cutlass,                                     
Which rendered him nutless (buttless),                      
And practically useless on dates.                           
                                                            
10534 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L1132



There once was a sailor from Wales,                         
An expert at pissing in gales.                              
He could piss in a jar,                                     
From the top-gallant spar,                                  
Without wetting so much as the sails.                       
                                                            
10535 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0760



A marine being sent to Hong Kong,                           
Got his doctor to alter his dong.                           
He sailed off with a tool                                   
Flat and thin as a rule--                                   
When he got there he found he was wrong.                    
                                                            
10536 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L1181



There was a young harlot from Kew,                          
Who filled her vagina with glue.                            
She said with a grin,                                       
"They paid to get in,                                       
They can pay to get out of it, too."                        
                                                            
10537 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L1008



There was a young couple named Kelly,                       
Who were forced to walk belly-to-belly,                     
Because in their haste                                      
They used library paste,                                    
Instead of petroleum jelly.                                 
                                                            
10538 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L1186



There once was a young man from Kent,                       
Who had one so long that it bent.                           
To save himself trouble,                                    
He stuck it in double.                                      
Instead of coming, he went!                                 
                                                            
10539 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0313



There was a young lady of Maine,                            
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.                      
But you knew from the view                                  
Of the way her waist grew,                                  
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.                     
                                                            
10540 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0942



The modern cinematic emporium,                              
Is not just a super sexorium,                               
But a highly effectual,                                     
Heterosexual,                                               
Mutual masturbatorium.                                      
                                                            
10541 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Gershon Legmann     L1261



Noah Webster saw fit to complete us                         
A learned and erudite treatise,                             
But saw fit to delete                                       
The verb for excrete,                                       
And a popular term for coitus.                              
                                                            
10542 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                     



An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,                            
Once said, "There is one thing I do know.                   
A woman is fine,                                            
Small boys are divine,                                      
But the llama is Numero Uno!"                               
                                                            
10543 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0582



A vice most wicked and unsavory,                            
Held the Bishop of Durham in slavery.                       
For with lecherous howls,                                   
He'd deflower young owls,                                   
In the depths of his underground aviary.                    
(John Steinbeck ejected frm Stork Club reciting this loudly)
10544 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0658



A scandal involving an oyster,                              
Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister.                  
She preferred shellfish in bed,                             
To the Count, so she said,                                  
For they're longer, and stronger, and moister.              
                                                            
10545 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L1726



A corpulent lady named Kroll,                               
Had an idea exceedingly droll.                              
She went to a ball                                          
Dressed in nothing at all,                                  
And backed in as a Parker House roll.                       
                                                            
10546 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L1579



There was a young plumber named Lee,                        
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.                       
"Oh Please! Stop your plumbing!                             
There is somebody coming!"                                  
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."                
                                                            
10547 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Norman Douglas      L0060



The Prior of Dunstan St. Just,                              
Consumed with erotical lust,                                
Buggered four startled owls,                                
The bishop's prize fowls,                                   
And a little green lizard, that bust.                       
                                                            
10548 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0597



There was a young man of Devizes,                           
Whose balls were of two different sizes.                    
The one was so small,                                       
Hardly nothing at all;                                      
The other took numerous prizes.                             
                                                            
10549 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            N Douglas or A Marshall  



There was a young girl named Alice,                         
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.                             
It is my belief,                                            
It was done for relief,                                     
And not out of Protestant malice.                           
                                                            
10550 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Anon                L0530



There was a young man of Racine,                            
Who invented a sex machine.                                 
Concave or convex,                                          
It would fit either sex;                                    
But Oh! What a bastard to clean!                            
(Too much of its use turns you green.)                      
10551 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Norman Douglas      L1325



Guaranteed used by the Queen.                               
Can wank itself off in between.                             
With attachments for those in between.                      
In a manner varied and obscene.                             
The God-damnedest thing ever seen.                          
                                                            
10552 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Tom Lee                  



But in Boston they ruled it obscene.                        
But corroded a horrible green.                              
With a chromium cum-filter screen.                          
And those who are not what they seem.                       
And even one horny Marine.                                  
And he'll use it while in the latrine.                      
10553 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Squat & Brian Belge      



As Titian was mixing rose madder,                           
His model was climbing the ladder.                          
Her position to Titian,                                     
Suggested coition,                                          
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.                    
                                                            
10554 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Ferren MacIntyre    L1473



There was a young lady of Worcester,                        
Who complained that too many men goosed her.                
She traded her scanties                                     
For sandpaper panties,                                      
Now they goose her much less that they use ter.             
                                                            
10555 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                     



A seamstress named Bertha Levine,                           
Caught her breast in her sewing machine.                    
She found, with a shudder,                                  
That stitched on her udder,                                 
Was "God Bless Our Home," done in green.                    
                                                            
10556 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                G2033



A pretty young maiden of France,                            
Decided she'd just take a chance.                           
She let herself go,                                         
In the lap of her beau, (For an hour or so,)                
And now all her sisters are aunts.                          
                                                            
10557 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Anon                L0953



There was a young fellow named Skinner,                     
Who took a young lady to dinner.                            
At a quarter to nine                                        
They sat down to dine,                                      
At a quarter to ten, it was in her.  The dinner?            
No, Skinner.  Skinner was in her before dinner              
10558 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Norman Douglas      L0097



There was a young fellow named Tupper,                      
Who took a young lady to supper.                            
At a quarter to nine,                                       
They sat down to dine,                                      
At a quarter to ten it was up her.  Not supper!             
Not Tupper! It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!       
10559 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0097



There was a young man from Batasse,                         
Whose balls were made of spun glass.                        
When he rubbed them together,                               
They played Stormy Weather,                                 
And lightning shot out of his ass.                          
(And on Sundays, Bach's B Minor Mass.)                      
10560 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0195



There was a young man of St. Clair                          
Who was fucking his girl on the stair.                      
The bannister broke;                                        
By quickening his stroke,                                   
He polished her off in mid-air.                             
(And his rifle went off in the air.)                        
10561 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Norman Douglas      L0314



There was a young lady of Chichester,                       
Who made all the saints in their niches stir.               
One morning, at matins,                                     
Her breasts in white satins,                                
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.              
                                                            
10562 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Anon                L0540



A young girl who was no good at tennis,                     
At swimming was really a menace.                            
She took pains to explain,                                  
"It depends how you train,                                  
I was a street-walker in Venice."                           
                                                            
10563 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY            Anon                L1064



There was a young lady named Riddle,                        
Who had an quite ticklish middle.                           
But she had many friends                                    
Because of her ends,                                        
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.                       
                                                            
10564 CLASSIC - 2 - BAWDY                                L0223



There was a young man named Fritz,                          
Who planted an acre of teats.                               
They came up in the fall,                                   
Pink nipples and all,                                       
And he quietly chewed them to bits.                         
                                                            
10565 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L0775



Nymphomaniacal Alice                                        
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.                        
They found her vagina      (wazoo)                          
In North Carolina,         (Kalamazoo)                      
And parts of her pelvis in Dallas.                          
(And her asshole in Buckingham Palace)                      
10566 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L1234



There was a young girl from Hoboken,                        
Who claimed that her hymen was broken                       
From riding a bike                                          
On a cobblestone pike,                                      
But it really was broken from pokin'.                       
                                                            
10567 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L0869



There were two bitches from Birmingham,                     
And this is the story concerning 'em.                       
They pulled up the frock,                                   
And tickled the cock                                        
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.                     
                                                            
10568 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH            Lanford Reed        L0534



Now this Bishop was nobody's fool,                          
(A product of the Old-English School)                       
He pulled down his britches,                                
And got those two bitches,                                  
With his nine-inch Episcopal tool.                          
                                                            
10569 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L0535



Said one of the girls, named Pru,                           
Who said as the Bishop withdrew:                            
"The vicar was quicker,                                     
And thicker and slicker,                                    
And longer and stronger than you."                          
                                                            
10570 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH            Norman Douglas      L0536



There was an old hermit named Dave,                         
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.                            
He said, "I admit      (There isn't much class)             
I'm a bit of a shit,   (In banging dead ass,)               
But look at the money I save!"                              
(She does smell a bit)(It isn't so nice, with vermin & lice)
10571 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L0463



There was a young girl from Mobile,                         
Whose vagina was made out of steel.                         
She got her great thrill                                    
From a rotary drill,                                        
And an offset emery wheel.                                  
                                                            
10572 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L1308



Said the mythical King of Algiers,                          
To his harem assembled, "My dears,                          
You may think it odd of me,                                 
But I'm tired of sodomy;                                    
Tonight there'll be fucking!"  (Loud cheers!)               
                                                            
10573 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH            Anon                L0512



There was an young man from Nantucket,                      
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.                    
He said, with a grin,                                       
As he wiped off his chin,                                   
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."                    
(Xmas dinner 1993, they demanded to hear this one - McW)    
10574 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH            Norman Douglas      L0417



There was a young girl from Detroit,                        
Who at fucking was very adroit.                             
She could contract her vagina                               
To a pin point or finer,                                    
Or open it out like a quoit.                                
                                                            
10575 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH            Norman Douglas      L0153



The girl had a friend named Durand,                         
Whose cock could contract or expand.                        
He could bugger a midge,                                    
Or the arch of a bridge,                                    
There performance together was grand.                       
                                                            
10576 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L0154



There was a young man named Sweeney,                        
Whose girl was a terrible meany.                            
There's a hatch on her snatch                               
With a latch that would catch;                              
She could only be screwed by Houdini.                       
                                                            
10577 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                     



There was a young girl from Bombay,                         
Who was put in a family way,                                
By the mate of a lugger,                                    
An ignorant bugger,                                         
Who always spelled 'CUNT' with a K.                         
                                                            
10578 CLASSIC - 3 - ROUGH                                L0914



Young Thomas from near Aberystwyth,                         
A lady nearby had a tryst with.                             
She thought "No, 'e's gay' --                               
He wasn't, so they                                          
United the organs they pissed with.                         
                                                            
10579 CLASSIC - PARODY               Nick                     



In the garden, Eve lay on the shore,                        
But Adam, he just couldn't score.                           
And he moaned without mirth                                 
For on all of this earth,                                   
There were only two balls and both sore.                    
                                                            
10580 CLASSIC - PARODY               Phil Cannibal       P9303



The mythical king of Algiers again                          
Remarked to his harem, 'mid jeers again,                    
"My new short term goal                                     
Is to blow my bankroll,                                     
On wine, women, and song!" - loud cheers again.             
                                                            
10581 CLASSIC - PARODY               Arthur Deex         P0204



There was an old man with a beard                           
Who said, "It is just as I feared.                          
Two pheasants a-plucking, two turkeys a-fucking,            
Two owls coughing pellets, two swans and two pullets,       
Have, all of them, shit in and smeared                      
And thoroughly dirtied my beard.                            
10582 CLASSIC - PARODY               Alexander Baron          



There was an old man of Bombay                              
Who buggered an ape in the bay.                             
The result was most horrid,                                 
He'd no brain in his forehead,                              
So they ran him for Congress next day.                      
                                                            
10583 CLASSIC - PARODY               Phil Cannibal       P9303



Said my date, that young midshipman Bates,                  
(The fellow who fell on his skates),                        
"As to what you suspect o' me,                              
It's just a vasectomy --                                    
But I no longer do figure eights."                          
                                                            
10584 CLASSIC - PARODY               Robin K. Willoughby P8405



There was a young girl with a beard                         
Who said, "It is just as I feared;                          
I'd love to go bedward                                      
With dear uncle Edward,                                     
But jeeze; even he thinks I'm weird."                       
                                                            
10585 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



There were two young ladies of Birmingham                   
And this is the story concerning them.                      
They acted improper                                         
By biffing the topper                                       
Of the bishop as he was confirming them.                    
                                                            
10586 CLASSIC - PARODY               David Finely        P9712



But this bishop was nobody's fool;                          
He'd been to a large public school.                         
He replaced his top hat                                     
In five seconds flat,                                       
In a manner both jaunty and cool.                           
                                                            
10587 CLASSIC - PARODY               David Finely        P9712



But that failed to impress the bad two.                     
They said, "Bishop, your hat is askew.                      
Our vicar is greater,                                       
Since his hat is straighter                                 
Than the one on the top part of you.                        
                                                            
10588 CLASSIC - PARODY               David Finely        P9712



There were once two young ladies of Birmingham,             
And I know a sad story concerning 'em,                      
They stuck needles and pins,                                
In the right reverend shins,                                
Of the bishop who was confirming 'em.                       
                                                            
10589 CLASSIC - PARODY               Jim Weaver Collection    



To a gaucho I met in St. Thomas,                            
I mentioned I tried in St. Palmas,                          
The numero uno                                              
That was boasted by Bruno,                                  
And discovered diviness St. Llamas.                         
                                                            
10590 CLASSIC - PARODY               Hugh Clary               



There once was a man from Calcutta,                         
Who greased up his ass with butta,                          
He practised a curious trick,                               
And therein inserted his prick.                             
Some people would say he's a nutter!                        
                                                            
10591 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



A young girl who lived on Cape Cod,                         
Claimed her baby was a gift of God.                         
But it looked like Roger,                                   
Her mother's lodger,                                        
So she had to drop the FACADE.                              
                                                            
10592 CLASSIC - PARODY               Norm                     



The son of that "Lady from Ealing                           
Who had a peculiar feeling,"                                
Would spray-paint the floors                                
And the walls and the doors,                                
As he watched her take aim at the ceiling.                  
                                                            
10593 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



Have you heard of the lad from Darjeeling                   
Whose gross habits weren't so appealing,                    
For when stroking his poker,                                
He was choking a stoker                                     
And picking off flies off the ceiling.                      
                                                            
10594 CLASSIC - PARODY               Garold Amadon            



You recall the young girl from Darjeeling?                  
Made fly-buttons bounce off the ceiling?                    
Well now it's the rips                                      
Of over strained zips,                                      
That you hear when young Suzie is peeling.                  
                                                            
10595 CLASSIC - PARODY               Tiddy Ogg                



I believe I recall that young stripper;                     
Seeing her on stage has made me chipper.                    
I do then inquire                                           
As to her desire;                                           
To get up in her muff you must tip her.                     
                                                            
10596 CLASSIC - PARODY               Tiddy Ogg                



In the Garden of Eden, Eve's chasm                          
Is given to multi-orgasm.                                   
And great is her mirth,                                     
For on the whole earth                                      
There are many to have, and she has 'em.                    
                                                            
10597 CLASSIC - PARODY               Arthur Deex         P0205



When in Kansas I ran out of gas,                            
Met a widow who had a fine ass,                             
But you need not be told,                                   
Like the limerick of old,                                   
'Twas the kind with four legs and eats grass.               
                                                            
10598 CLASSIC - PARODY               Bob Birch           P0900



A fellow with passions quite gingery                        
Was exploring his young sister's lingerie;                  
Then with giggles of pleasure                               
He plundered her treasure                                   
Adding incest to insult to injury.                          
                                                            
10599 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



Since Jack has a massive twelve-incher, he                  
Knocked out his dear mum's lower denture. Re-               
Marked he, "You scum,                                       
You've bloodied my cum!"                                    
Adding incest to insult and injury.                         
                                                            
10600 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



No matter how much must be spent,                           
A young couple is firmly intent                             
Upon finding in haste                                       
A solvent for paste.                                        
Reward. Call John Kelly of Kent.                            
                                                            
10601 CLASSIC - PARODY               A. N. Wilkins       P8703



A bookbinder let out a shrill scream                        
When the book came apart at the seam.                       
For it seems in her haste,                                  
That instead of the paste,                                  
She'd applied contraceptical cream.                         
                                                            
10602 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



There was a young fairy named Gray                          
Who dated a Lesbian one day.                                
They agreed that they knew                                  
Who'd do what, how, to who,                                 
But they could not agree who should pay.                    
                                                            
10603 CLASSIC - PARODY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0821



That queer from Khartoum in his room                        
Will never get near that girl's womb.                       
She can draw him a map,                                     
Even give him a slap,                                       
But his prick won't inflate, I assume.                      
                                                            
10604 CLASSIC - PARODY               Tutta Gioia              



A dyke and a homo named Groom,                              
Were planning their soon honeymoon.                         
Groom said, "Oh my dear,                                    
It is not very clear,                                       
About who will be doing what to whom."                      
                                                            
10605 CLASSIC - PARODY               Anon                     



"That's nothing," said Francis with gloom,                  
"Just listen to my tale of doom,                            
Of sadly mixed sexes                                        
And weirdo complexes,                                       
My date was this creep from Khartoum."                      
                                                            
10606 CLASSIC - PARODY               Ed Potts            P8507



A skeleton once in Khartoum                                 
Invited a ghost to his room.                                
They spent the whole night                                  
In the eeriest fight                                        
As to who should be frightened of whom.                     
                                                            
10607 CLASSIC - PARODY               Linda Marsh Coll    P0310



Michael J. and Madonna did fume                             
At each other when in the bedroom,                          
And they argued all night                                   
As to who had the right                                     
To do what and impregnate whom.                             
                                                            
10608 CLASSIC - PARODY               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9701



There was a young girl of Madras,                           
Who wore a skirt made of grass.                             
The reason I know her?                                      
I used a lawn mower                                         
In a manner decidedly crass.                                
                                                            
10609 CLASSIC - PARODY               MrMalo                   



There once was a girl named McWrath                         
Who had a magnificent snath.                                
Not furry and pink                                          
As you probably think;                                      
It was wood, had a blade, and cut grath!                    
(snath - handle of a scythe)                                
10610 CLASSIC - PARODY               Martin Wellborn          



Down the privy fell old mister Byrd;                        
His shouting for help was not heard.                        
They fill in the pit                                        
And now it's a crypt                                        
Where the body of Byrd is interred.                         
                                                            
10611 CLASSIC - PARODY               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



To the morgue they brought both brothers McBride,           
And the coroner had to decide                               
How to write the reports --                                 
A dilemma of sorts --                                       
Disinterred and In Turd both applied.                       
                                                            
10612 CLASSIC - PARODY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2952



There once was a guy named Mcbride,                         
Who fell in a horse barn and died.                          
And along came is brother                                   
Who fell in another,                                        
And now they're installed side by side.                     
                                                            
10613 CLASSIC - PARODY               Arthur Deex         P9504



The holes in the outhouse were wide;                        
So no wonder the boys fell inside.                          
And now they're interred                                    
Under ten tons of turd,                                     
From a ride through a Hyde house outside.                   
                                                            
10614 CLASSIC - PARODY               L Kintz                  



There was a young lady of Kent                              
Who said that she knew what it meant                        
When men asked her to dine,                                 
Gave her chocolates and wine,                               
She knew that it meant harassment.                          
                                                            
10615 CLASSIC - PARODY               David Finely        P9712



There once was a monk in Siberia,                           
Whose existence grew steadily drearier,                     
Till he broke from his cell                                 
With a hell of a yell                                       
And eloped with Irving Superior                             
(I S - prolific long time limerick author)                  
10616 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



There once was a monk in Siberia,                           
Whose existence grew steadily drearier                      
Till he broke from his cell...                              
"Have a monk with me dwell?                                 
I'll see you in Court, (THE SUPERIOR)."                     
                                                            
10617 CLASSIC - PARODY               Irving Superior          



There once was a man with a beard                           
Who said, "It is just as I feared.                          
I'm infested with nests                                     
Of six-legged pests,                                        
From one of those orphans I reared.                         
                                                            
10618 CLASSIC - PARODY               Hugh Clary               



A spry little man from Nantucket,                           
Picked up an oyster to suck it;                             
But it did him no good,                                     
For in his way stood,                                       
The shell, and no knife to shuck it.                        
                                                            
10619 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



A nit and a gnat in a net                                   
Were trapped and had started to fret.                       
"Let's git!" said the nit.                                  
"Let's scat!" said the gnat.                                
So they shot, hot to trot, in duet.                         
                                                            
10620 CLASSIC - PARODY               Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a young man from Norway,                     
Who carried his bride through the doorway,                  
Where he poked at her pink                                  
Every way he could think,                                   
Till he just couldn't think of one more way.                
                                                            
10621 CLASSIC - PARODY               MrMalo                   



There was a young lady from Norway                          
Who hung by her toes from the doorway.                      
She said to her man:                                        
"Get off that divan,                                        
I think I've discovered one more way!"                      
                                                            
10622 CLASSIC - PARODY               Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101



Her boy-friend, a butcher, who'd swung,                     
Said: "You look so excitingly young,                        
And the looks of your rear                                  
Is like venison, dear:                                      
I have learned it is better, when hung!"                    
                                                            
10623 CLASSIC - PARODY               Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101



The randy young couple from Norway                          
Would look for a never-before-way:                          
A shore-way, a sore-way,                                    
A fictional whore-way,                                      
And a discotheque, down-on-the-floor-way.                   
                                                            
10624 CLASSIC - PARODY               Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101



There was a young lady from Nod                             
Who wanted a baby from God,                                 
'Twas not the Almighty                                      
That crawled up her nightie,                                
It was the vicar, the dirty old sod.                        
                                                            
10625 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



To a gaucho I met in St. Thomas,                            
I mentioned I tried in St. Palmas                           
The Numero Uno                                              
That was boasted by Bruno,                                  
And discovered diviness St. Llamas.                         
                                                            
10626 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



An Argentine gaucho named Bruno                             
Once said, "There are things that I do know:                
Fornication's perverse;                                     
Bestiality's worse;                                         
And chastity's numero uno.                                  
                                                            
10627 CLASSIC - PARODY               David Finely        P9712



This is the man from Peru                                   
Who had nothing better to do,                               
Than put flamae to the gas                                  
That he'd pass from his ass.                                
'Twas the night he ate beans and he flew!                   
                                                            
10628 CLASSIC - PARODY               Frank Fazed              



Is this the same man of Peru                                
Who dropped his socks in the stew?                          
Then I think that maybe                                     
Boiling them in gravy                                       
Would make them easier to chew.                             
                                                            
10629 CLASSIC - PARODY               Bob Mornington           



There was a young lady from Niger                           
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.                          
They came back from the ride,                               
With his stripes on her hide,                               
She's already skinned Peter and Igor.                       
                                                            
10630 CLASSIC - PARODY               Esther Koch         P0107



There once was a maid from BLIGHTY                          
Who thought babies a gift of the Almighty.                  
But it wasn't the Lord                                      
Whose priapus soared,                                       
As he lifted the hem of her nightie.                        
                                                            
10631 CLASSIC - PARODY               Norm Brust               



There was a young fellow named Skinner                      
Who Dutch treated a lady at dinner.                         
The evening went fine                                       
And by quarter past nine                                    
The dinners were in him and in her.                         
                                                            
10632 CLASSIC - PARODY               Jim Weaver Collection    



I hope Skinner's dick is not thinner,                       
Worn down from the friction within her.                     
For post prandial sinning                                   
Forget that floor-pinning,                                  
Just put her on top and then spin her.                      
                                                            
10633 CLASSIC - PARODY               Tutta                    



No! Skinner was in her BEFORE!                              
Skinner's foreskin sank in to the core.                     
Before the champagne,                                       
Then he did it again...                                     
Meal over, he started to snore.                             
                                                            
10634 CLASSIC - PARODY               John Miller              



And when his cheeks had to part,                            
The sparks ignited a fart.                                  
Upward he flew;                                             
Up into the blue,                                           
And landed right in a dustcart.                             
                                                            
10635 CLASSIC - PARODY               Funny Bone               



There once was a man from Tangier                           
Who made everyone tremble with fear.                        
It seems in bad weather,                                    
Wearing shorts made of leather,                             
Lightning would shoot out of his rear!                      
                                                            
10636 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



A fellow, with lots of fanfare,                             
Said he'd show how to fuck on a chair.                      
Off balance, alas,                                          
He fell on his ass,                                         
And he shot off his load in the air!                        
                                                            
10637 CLASSIC - PARODY               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Few people could hope to compare                            
With the two who made love on the stair.                    
When the bannister broke,                                   
They thought it a joke,                                     
And just carried on in mid-air.                             
                                                            
10638 CLASSIC - PARODY               J Endersby               



There was a young man from Decatur,                         
Who was having his girl on an escalator.                    
But the power went out,                                     
He started to pout,                                         
And didn't proceed until later.                             
                                                            
10639 CLASSIC - PARODY               Arthur Deex         P9307



There was a young fellow named Clift,                       
Who was having his girl on the lift.                        
When is stopped at mid-floor,                               
He continued to score,                                      
Till relieved by the helpful night shift.                   
                                                            
10640 CLASSIC - PARODY               Arthur Deex         P9307



On the stairs at the back of the school                     
He was giving his girl all his tool,                        
When the bannister broke                                    
On the twenty-fourth stoke,                                 
And he polished her off on the newel.                       
                                                            
10641 CLASSIC - PARODY               A. N. Wilkins       P8801



There was a young Vulcan reporter,                          
Who was having girls in the transporter.                    
When the phase-balance failed,                              
He hung there impaled,                                      
Hoisted on his Picard tricorder.                            
                                                            
10642 CLASSIC - PARODY               Arthur Deex         P9307



In that classical limerick on "Steins"                      
A monstrous omission maligns.                               
It's really gestanken                                       
That half-brother Franken                                   
Wasn't mention in one of the lines.                         
                                                            
10643 CLASSIC - PARODY               Al Willis           T9712



There was a young lady of Riga                              
Who went for a ride on a tiger.                             
She returned from that ride                                 
As Serge Daglief's bride,                                   
And a smile on the face of the Tiger.                       
                                                            
10644 CLASSIC - PARODY               Creatures Facetious P0312



To his clubfooted child spoke Lord Gillity,                 
"Despite breeding from higher nobility,                     
A recessive gene pair                                       
In which both parents share,                                
Severely impaired your mobility."                           
                                                            
10645 CLASSIC - PARODY               David Finely        P9712



The sister of Fritz, by name Dinah,                         
Planted a field of vagina.                                  
"When the labia bloom,                                      
I just love the perfume,"                                   
Said Dinah, "There's nothing more fina."                    
                                                            
10646 CLASSIC - PARODY               TuttaGioia               



There was an old plumber named Sears                        
Who planted some tits, it appears,                          
They showed nipples exquisite                               
Till the law paid a visit,                                  
So he covered them all with brassieres.                     
                                                            
10647 CLASSIC - PARODY               Phil Cannibal       P9303



There was a young man named Fritz                           
Who planted ten acres of lentils.                           
They came up in the autumn,                                 
Red pistils and all,                                        
And he quietly chewed them into very small fragments.       
                                                            
10648 CLASSIC - PARODY               Arthur Deex         P9303



A frustrated girl from the sticks                           
Once planted an acre of pricks.                             
Then came up in the fall                                    
Up to ten inches tall,                                      
And she'd milk them each morning as six.                    
                                                            
10649 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



An oldy it is, and not bad,                                 
But posting it here's now a fad.                            
After thrity-five times,                                    
The greatest of rhymes                                      
Tends to turn us off just a wee tad.                        
                                                            
10650 CLASSIC - PARODY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the Bishop, "My dear girl, take care;                  
You were taken, it seems, unaware.                          
The vicar's protrusion                                      
Is but an allusion --                                       
A fake phallus inflated with air."                          
                                                            
10651 CLASSIC - PARODY               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8403



There was a young lady of Kew,                              
Who said, as the curate withdrew,                           
"I prefer the dear vicar;                                   
He's longer and thicker;                                    
Besides, he comes quicker than you."                        
                                                            
10652 CLASSIC - PARODY               Norman Douglas      G1125



Well, that very same lady from Wheeling                     
Was so charged with sexual feeling,                         
She kept pissing all day                                    
Till the town washed away;                                  
Now the local economy's reeling.                            
                                                            
10653 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



A horny young lass from Darjeeling,                         
Partook in much clitoris feeling.                           
She'd play 'round all night,                                
'Til it felt oh-just-right,                                 
'Til her panties stuck fast to the ceiling.                 
                                                            
10654 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



An excitable lass from Darjeeling                           
As her climax approached, began squealing                   
In increasing harmonic,                                     
Till she went ulta-sonic;                                   
When she came she peeled paint from the ceiling.            
                                                            
10655 CLASSIC - PARODY                                        



A nympho of generous girth                                  
Tried a dynamite stick just for mirth;                      
But her name wasn't Alice,                                  
And her ass ain't in Dallas--                               
It barely got close to Fort Worth.                          
                                                            
10656 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Norm Storer         P9603



We who live where it happened can swear                     
Most of her, never ended up there.                          
When that nitro went "BANG"                                 
There was hardly a thang                                    
That was left fit to travel by air.                         
                                                            
10657 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



It was here, at our own local pub,                          
Where she gave it that last final rub.                      
Although it is true,                                        
I got spattered with goo,                                   
I still saved my Canadien Club.                             
                                                            
10658 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Though the fame of this lady went far,                      
Most of her stayed right in the bar.                        
Thought they shipped some choice pieces                     
To nephews and nieces,                                      
The rest sits right 'chere in a jar.                        
                                                            
10659 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Her vagina in Raleigh? Absurd!                              
How these tales get retold and reheard!                     
Those parts where once kissed                               
Got dispersed as a mist.                                    
(Though the bartender's pate got re-furred.)                
                                                            
10660 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



I can tell you right now without malice,                    
I've her asshole right here in North Dallas;                
(Though they've pickled her spleen                          
To be shipped to the Queen,                                 
Served with titties and cream at the Palace.)               
                                                            
10661 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Long enough of this thing have I sang.                      
Us Texans are tired of this thang.                          
Let's lay her to rest                                       
With just one final jest;                                   
"She came and she went with a bang!"                        
                                                            
10662 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Well Son, just keep up with your schoolin'.                 
Maybe someday they'll learn you the rulin',                 
To read 'fore you post,                                     
And so avoid most                                           
Duplications and other Tom-Foolin'!                         
                                                            
10663 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Private parts lost of woman named Alice                     
In environs of Buckingham Palace.                           
Scattered there by untoward                                 
Explosion. Reward.                                          
Call J. Watson, attorney, in Dallas.                        
                                                            
10664 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       A. N. Wilkins       P8703



It's good she did not choose plastique                      
To give her libido a tweak.                                 
No pussy nor tits,                                          
Not even her zits                                           
Would be there to rebuild her physique.                     
                                                            
10665 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       S C Saint                



But tell me, do we really care                              
Where they found her pubic hair?                            
Using TNT                                                   
To travel for free,                                         
Is one hell of a taking a dare!                             
                                                            
10666 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Arden                    



The archaeologist Hermann von Schnick                       
Found the pyramid. There etched in brick                    
Our hieroglyphic man Steiner                                
Could make out the five-liner                               
About Alice and her dynamite stick.                         
                                                            
10667 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Michael Weinstein   P8505



Some parts of that lady named Alice                         
Were preserved by a priest in a chalice.                    
He was known to malign her                                  
In North Caroliner                                          
And did the whole thing out of malice.                      
                                                            
10668 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Neal Wilgus         P8507



There was a wild heiress named Alice,                       
Who invited a man to her palace.                            
She gave him some money                                     
To let her drip honey,                                      
All over his nuts and his phallus.                          
                                                            
10669 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE                                



There once was a lady named Lucky,                          
Who used dynamite to get herself fucky.                     
They found her vagina                                       
In North Carolina                                           
And one of her tits in Kentucky.                            
                                                            
10670 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Matt S                   



They found one of her tits in Racine,                       
And Manchester bathed in her spleen.                        
Her other titty                                             
Was in Mexico City,                                         
But her ass landed square on the Queen.                     
                                                            
10671 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       MrMalo                   



Says the Queen, coming too, looking weary,                  
Seeing Alice's ass, somewhat bleary,                        
With the utmost decorum,                                    
As if to the forum,                                         
"Is it roast we're have then, dearie?"                      
                                                            
10672 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       MrMalo                   



She slowly becomes more alert                               
And sees Alice's ass on her shirt.                          
With a stiff upper lip,                                     
(Cheerio! Pip! Pip!)                                        
Says "Goodness, am I badly hurt?"                           
                                                            
10673 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       MrMalo                   



A gay young lad from Latrobe                                
Used a dynamite stick for a probe.                          
They located his colon                                      
In north central Poland,                                    
But his prostate still orbits the globe!                    
                                                            
10674 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Del Bob                  



There was a young girl name of Alice                        
Who lived in an African palace.                             
She would slake her lust                                    
On an elephant's tusk,                                      
And imagine that it was a phallus.                          
                                                            
10675 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       Tom Patton               



Some plastic explosives got lost in                         
A married queer couple from Boston.                         
They found one left ball                                    
On China's great wall,                                      
And half of a pecker in Austin.                             
                                                            
10676 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE       John Miller              



There was a young nun named Alice,                          
Who was taking a piss in a chalice.                         
When a passing old vicar,                                   
Seized her to stick her,                                    
Not through lust, but through Protestant malice.            
                                                            
10677 CLASSIC - PARODY - ALICE                                



Hermit Dave decided to ABJURE;                              
From necrophilia he took the cure.                          
He managed to resist;                                       
He makes love to his fist.                                  
How long will this phase endure?                            
                                                            
10678 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Norm                     



There once was a hermit named Dave,                         
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.                            
It is this charnal                                          
And Dave's actions carnal,                                  
That cause me to rant and to rave.                          
                                                            
10679 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Norm Brust               



Loathing things new, MISOCAINEA,                            
Finds adventure no panacea,                                 
But reinforces                                              
Ancient remorses:                                           
Hermit Dave hates tiny heiniea.                             
                                                            
10680 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Daniel Ford              



"I keep a cocotte in my cave;                               
It's how I prefer to behave.                                
It's not an outrage                                         
At our great old age;                                       
I'm anile retentive," said Dave.                            
                                                            
10681 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Nick                     



In trying his senses to save,                               
Visitor to Hermit Dave's cave,                              
Sought some relief cosmic,                                  
Going ANOSMIC,                                              
Ere smell there drove him to his grave.                     
                                                            
10682 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



There once was a hermit named Dave,                         
Who kept fauna deceased in his cave.                        
His actions, termed Davian,                                 
Both Citellus and avian,                                    
Brought both fortune and fame to this knave.                
                                                            
10683 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Arthur Deex              



That fellow who kept a dead whore                           
In his cave, I suppose on the floor:                        
True, he'd save lots of money,                              
But what good's a dead honey,                               
'Cause her blowjobs ain't shit anymore.                     
                                                            
10684 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Katie Frame              



His "dead whore" was declared null and void,                
And now Jeeves seems rather annoyed                         
At the Sage, who is wise                                    
Because once a whore dies,                                  
She is something most people avoid...                       
                                                            
10685 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Recession?  Let's run to the cave                           
And hide with that dead whore and Dave!                     
Those crud racist "guff's"                                  
Say history buffs                                           
Will lead to a huge tidal wave!                             
                                                            
10686 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



At a funeral at Lytchett Matraver,                          
This Dave saw the corpse, said I'll have 'er.               
So he opened the grave,                                     
Took her back to his cave,                                  
And happily boffed the cadaver.                             
                                                            
10687 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



A familiar face, "Hello, Dave.                              
Invite me around to your cave?"                             
"If you are after my whore,                                 
She ain't there any more.                                   
She's dead and buried by the Sage!"                         
                                                            
10688 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old limerick 'bout Dave                        
And the whore that he kept in his cave;                     
We've read it so often                                      
That we bought her a coffin,                                
And lowered her into the grave.                             
                                                            
10689 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



When the hermit, Dave, died in his cave,                    
In Nantucket they dug him a grave;                          
The dead whore's in there, too;                             
Look! They're sticking like glue!                           
Folks said "Fuckit!  That's downright depraved!"            
                                                            
10690 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



There was a dead whore in a cave,                           
Who was killed by that Hermit named Dave.                   
He said I'll admit                                          
I'm a bit of a shit,                                        
But the cave must do for her grave.                         
                                                            
10691 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



The lonely old outcast, Delanty,                            
Kept an adultress' stiff in his shanty.                     
He said, "Barring the reek,                                 
What I spent in a week                                      
Compared to a live one is scanty."                          
                                                            
10692 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Bob Giandomenico    P8712



"Come to my clean cave, quite spacious,                     
Where I'll be your dinner host, gracious."                  
But the lady took stock                                     
Of the bulge in Dave's frock,                               
"Sorry to be CONTUMACIOUS."                                 
                                                            
10693 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



There was an old hermit named Dave,                         
Who kept a dead mower in his cave.                          
Since he can't cut the grass,                               
Now it's up to his ass.                                     
(His donkey, you censors: behave!)                          
                                                            
10694 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Cybergeezer              



There once was a hermit named Ted                           
Who kept a dead whore in his shed.                          
She was covered with flies                                  
And had worms in her eyes,                                  
But at least she didn't have to be fed.                     
                                                            
10695 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        RMMMS                    



Another old hermit named Mose,                              
Was arrested for filthy old clothes.                        
"They were left at my cave,                                 
By a neighbor named Dave,"                                  
He testified, holding his nose.                             
                                                            
10696 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Cybergeezer              



A tailor, who's good with his thread,                       
Was hired by a fellow named Fred,                           
To sew up the skin                                          
On his closest of kin,                                      
Who, for twenty-four years, had been dead.                  
                                                            
10697 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Cap'n Bean               



An Inuit fellow named Lou                                   
Kept a dead whore in his igloo.                             
She had a cold rump                                         
And she tended to thump,                                    
When they did as the Inuit do.                              
                                                            
10698 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



A dyke named Dave, from Khartoum                            
Keeps a dead whore in her room.                             
Lightning shot out her ass                                  
While on the Cape with her lass;                            
Now the Nantucket man's in his tomb!                        
                                                            
10699 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



A whore, once a New York sensation,                         
Grew tired of such quick penetration,                       
So she kept a dead Dave                                     
In the back of a cave,                                      
Whom she serviced without compensation.                     
                                                            
10700 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



And an equally perverted chick,                             
Found that she got quite a kick,                            
From digging up Jimmy,                                      
And shouting "Jim gimme!"                                   
Bounced on his now rigid stick.                             
                                                            
10701 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



That poor old fellow named Dave,                            
Is keeping no one in his cave.                              
A condo's a breeze,                                         
With big buck C.D.s                                         
Bought with all that dough he could save.                   
                                                            
10702 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Larry Davis         P8507



There once was a man from New Haven;                        
For a good piece of ass he was cravin'.                     
So he plopped it in mud,                                    
And gave it a thud,                                         
And said, "Look at the money I'm savin'!"                   
                                                            
10703 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man of Belgray                             
Who dined with a lady each day.                             
He said, "I admit                                           
That her charm and her wit                                  
Make it worth every penny I pay.                            
                                                            
10704 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        David Finely        P9712



There is a young fellow called Dave                         
Who keeps a dead horse in his cave.                         
It smells worse than shit,                                  
But his neighbors admit                                     
That his goulash is what they all crave!                    
                                                            
10705 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



A hermit named Dave in Nantucket,                           
Could not reach his ear for to fuck it.                     
Not being into Sodom,                                       
He went out and got 'im                                     
A whore, who had kicked the bucket.                         
                                                            
10706 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        MrMalo                   



The hermit we've heard of named Dave                        
Of gloryholes always would rave.                            
He liked to get blown                                       
By sailors he'd known,                                      
So he kept a head door in his cave.                         
                                                            
10707 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



A hermit, whose name was Dave Skinner,                      
Invited a whore home to dinner.                             
But she died in his cave,                                   
So his money he saved,                                      
And he spent the whole evening within her.                  
                                                            
10708 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



There once was a young man named Dave,                      
Who found a dead whore in his cave.                         
He said, "How disgusting!                                   
She needs only dusting,                                     
And look at the money I'd save!"                            
                                                            
10709 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Stuart Price             



A HOARY old whore had a hunch                               
That though she liked sex with a bunch,                     
A date she'd soon save                                      
For Dave in his cave,                                       
Where she would serve well in a crunch.                     
                                                            
10710 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



The dead whore that was kept in the cave                    
Finally got too smelly for Dave.                            
So he sold her to Pete                                      
In the cave down the street,                                
And dug up a new one from a grave!                          
                                                            
10711 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Thunderwing              



Dave's dead now himself (of a cough)                        
But he and Dot still like to boff.                          
Since his pecker's decaying                                 
While eating or playing,                                    
It isn't too hard to get off.                               
                                                            
10712 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        John Miller              



Though admission fees he'd wildly waive,                    
Visitors to hermit Dave's cave                              
Were thoroughly shocked                                     
As he went unfrocked,                                       
Behaving as an ERRANT knave.                                
                                                            
10713 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



You can read of a fellow named Dave                         
With a corpse for a sexaul slave.                           
You will see lots of shit                                   
Like a girl with one tit.                                   
It's a ride for the bold and the brave.                     
                                                            
10714 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Bob Leclerc              



So this hermit Dave, plowing his trench,                    
In dead whores we find now is French.                       
As some will tell,                                          
Frogs lack sense of smell,                                  
Which explains why they don't mind the stench.              
                                                            
10715 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



There once was a hermit named Ted,                          
Who blew up a girl on his bed.                              
Now she had just one tit                                    
And her pelvis was split,                                   
But they say she still gave him good head.                  
                                                            
10716 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        RMMMS                    



Dave sure goes 'round and 'round,                           
So often that it's worn to the ground.                      
They say Dave's a hermit                                    
And you've got to admit,                                    
For a hermit he sure gets around.                           
                                                            
10717 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Kathi Webster            



There was an old hermit named Dave,                         
Who kept a dead goat in his cave.                           
"He smells like bejeezus,                                   
But she does as I pleases;                                  
I just wish the damn thing would shave!"                    
                                                            
10718 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        MrMalo                   



There once was a hermit named Dave                          
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.                          
To fuck her was spooky,                                     
But why leave good nooky                                    
To rot in a mouldering grave.                               
                                                            
10719 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        MrMalo                   



There once was a hermit named David,                        
Who kept a stiff tart in his cave, he did.                  
He said, "I agree                                           
That it lacks comity,                                       
And it's not, I confess, for the pavid."                    
(pavid - showing fear, timid)                               
10720 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Arthur Deex         P9601



A lonesome spelunker named Davy                             
Made a solemn, guilt-ridden peccavi:                        
My companion, now late,                                     
Was a Hertz Rent-a-date.                                    
But I'm happy, though ranty and ravy.                       
(peccavi - humble confession)                               
10721 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Arthur Deex         P9601



An old lady who lived in a cave,                            
Was hit on the head with a stave.                           
As her blood did clot,                                      
She had her last thought:                                   
"Oh boy!  Now I'm going to meet Dave!"                      
                                                            
10722 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Buck                     



Hermit Dave was a GRISLY ghoul,                             
Aroused by the touch of flesh cool.                         
He also thought nice                                        
That pillar of ice                                          
Might replace burning log at the Yule.                      
                                                            
10723 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Peter Wilkins            



There once was a LEVERET named Dave                         
Who kept a dear hare in a cave.                             
She said with much wit,                                     
It's not a rabbit.                                          
The hair has more hair -- we don't shave.                   
                                                            
10724 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Norm                     



There is a young hermit named Dave,                         
Who lives by himself in a cave.                             
He claims it's all right                                    
But not very bright,                                        
And neither's the hermit named Dave.                        
                                                            
10725 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Margaret A. Murdock P8412



A cretin who lived in an attic,                             
Was fallaciously rated as static;                           
But how little they knew --                                 
He knob was not blue --                                     
But hoary and necrophilatic.                                
                                                            
10726 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                            G0929



I think I remember that knave,                              
Who lived, as you say, in Belgrave.                         
And from what I recall,                                     
This Dave use a squaw                                       
Reclused in the desert Mojave.                              
                                                            
10727 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Hugh Clary               



A doddering derelict Dave                                   
Grubbed a gone-for good ginch in her grave.                 
"Though I'm sorrier and sorrier,                            
And also scorier                                            
By jump-starting stiff strumpets, I save."                  
                                                            
10728 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Arthur Deex         P9101



A notorious hermit named Dave                               
Declared, "With the money I save,                           
I've decided to keep                                        
A couple of sheep,                                          
Since the dead whore so stank up the cave.                  
                                                            
10729 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        A. N. Wilkins       P8712



Though Dave's gone to hell, still that whore                
Is visited by plenty more.                                  
Men from Kent and Nantucket,                                
With their bent tools, they'll fuck it,                     
As it putrefies there on the floor.                         
                                                            
10730 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



There once was a hermit named Jack                          
Who kept a dead tart in his shack.                          
Said he, "I'll confess                                      
My expenses are less,                                       
But think of the small talk I lack.                         
                                                            
10731 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Arthur Deex         P8712



As hermit Dave's lust is incessant,                         
In New York of late, he's been present.                     
He sifts through the rubble                                 
And goes to much trouble                                    
For a new mate, a tad less putrescent.                      
                                                            
10732 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Tiddy Ogg                



We all know why Dave was so willin'                         
To diddle that corpse that was chillin';                    
No fear of rejection                                        
Or even infection,                                          
Ol' Dave had loads of penicillin.                           
                                                            
10733 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



Dave lives in a cave in Nantucket                           
And he is rather down on his luck.  It                      
Appears his dead whore                                      
Fell apart on the floor                                     
And worse, he can't find his cash bucket                    
                                                            
10734 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



A seclusionist kept in his hut                              
An old hooker's cadaver to rut.                             
He said, "Though I'll avow                                  
That she's messy to plow,                                   
The rates for her service are cut."                         
                                                            
10735 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Bob Giandomenico    P8712



Our Dave has been sent to Siberia;                          
He dwells in a stone cave's interior.                       
He does not mind the cliff                                  
Nor the surfeit of stiffs,                                  
Which drives all his motives ulterior.                      
                                                            
10736 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



All the regulars have gone to Nantucket,                    
To eat oysters (raw) from the bucket;                       
Then they'll all go see Dave,                               
And that wench in his cave;                                 
But she's rotten; don't know where they'll tuck it!         
                                                            
10737 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Allen Wolverton          



There was a dead whore from Nantucket,                      
Whose body was kept in a bucket,                            
Located by Dave                                             
Quite deep in a cave.                                       
So deep, in fact, he said, fuck it!                         
                                                            
10738 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Archie                   



The man from Nantucket was brave                            
When he found a dead whore in a cave.                       
He canned the green meat                                    
(Which was sticky and sweet)                                
In a bucket, the rule-breaking knave!                       
                                                            
10739 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



"Girls, black, brown, pink, yellow or blue,                 
I love 'em all, Buddy, don't you?"                          
Thus spake hermit Dave.                                     
"Yes Dave, most I crave,                                    
But blue babes I'll leave just for you."                    
                                                            
10740 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



That news item you may think grave;                         
The story the furnace man gave                              
To George at the store-house:                               
"I'm starting a whore-house,                                
For cave dwelling hermits like Dave."                       
                                                            
10741 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



He made music wherever he went,                             
With his dick, which rang out when it bent.                 
This hermit, named Dave,                                    
Kept his mom as a slave,                                    
Replacing the whore during Lent.                            
                                                            
10742 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Dave's wife just never forgave                              
The attention to corpses he gave.                           
A-squat in the rot,                                         
He took her best shot;                                      
Now Dave's cave is his grave.                               
                                                            
10743 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Annie Jay                



There was a young fellow named Dave                         
Who tackled a whore in her cave.                            
There was not much to pay,                                  
And the reason, they say,                                   
Was one foot which she had in the grave.                    
                                                            
10744 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2869



A solemn gravedigger named Dave                             
Some remnants of dead whores did save.                      
He fucked with delight                                      
The assemblage each night,                                  
Though it still had one foot in the grave.                  
                                                            
10745 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2868



When trying to rhyme OSSUARY,                               
It may seem to be necessary                                 
To recall the dead crones                                   
Who warmed old Dave's bones,                                
But those relics I hope you will bury.                      
                                                            
10746 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Norm Brust               



I thought that my thoughts would deprave                    
When centered on old Hermit Dave.                           
But that noble gent,                                        
On dead flesh intent,                                       
Was at least out of way in his cave.                        
                                                            
10747 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



There was an old hermit named Dave,                         
Who kept a num chained in his cave.                         
The Lord interceded,                                        
Gave the nun what she needed,                               
Made Dave both her lover and slave.                         
                                                            
10748 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



It's sad but it's true I must say,                          
Dave's member got fungus one day.                           
His pecker turned green,                                    
And though rich to obscene,                                 
It won't do him good in the hay.                            
                                                            
10749 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Kathi Webster            



Depressed by undersized genitalia?                          
Need compensatory paraphenalia?                             
Go find Dave!                                               
You'll love his cave                                        
And its well-stocked PENETRALIA.                            
                                                            
10750 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Norm                     



There was an old hermit named Dave,                         
Who seldom bothered to shave.                               
When his beard grew and grew,                               
He knew just what to do;                                    
He just got a permanent wave.                               
                                                            
10751 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Thomas Ratliff      P0302



Now folks, plase don't think I am cross,                    
If into this lesson I toss                                  
That Dave, harmit wary,                                     
Sought an OSSUARY,                                          
Just looking for good piece of oss!                         
                                                            
10752 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



He saved himself lots of mazuma,                            
But was the subject of gossip and rumor.                    
You know him as Dave,                                       
With a whore in his cave.                                   
The service she gave was posthumous.                        
                                                            
10753 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Wildman            TP9802



There was a Hermit named Dave                               
Who kept NO whore in a cave                                 
He said I declare                                           
You may peer and may stare                                  
But my hand is the thing I crave.                           
                                                            
10754 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Jim Weaver Collection    



"There's a hole in my bucket, oh dear",                     
Complained Dave of Nantucket, "I fear                       
That my favorite whore                                      
Has seeped out on the floor                                 
In a putrified mess over here."                             
                                                            
10755 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



Hermit Dave, ragged and hairy,                              
Went to buy an OSSUARY.                                     
When asked, "Just who for?"                                 
He said, "My old whore;                                     
She's ready, I think, now to bury."                         
                                                            
10756 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Norm Brust               



Remember that hermit named Dave?                            
The one with a stiff in his cave?                           
Rigor mortis set in                                         
With his balls on her chin,                                 
Substantially shortening his stave.                         
                                                            
10757 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



There once was a fellow quite callow,                       
Whose idea of fun was quite shallow.                        
He played in a cave                                         
With a hermit named Dave,                                   
Shared skin coloration quite SALLOW.                        
                                                            
10758 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



See the cave-hermit, Dave, quite depraved;                  
Miss Bonny's dead quim he has saved;                        
"Her head's gone to hell                                    
And her tits kind of smell,                                 
But she's quiet and quite well behaved."                    
                                                            
10759 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Allen Wolverton          



VERNISSAGE appealed much to old Dave;                       
It wasn't the art that he'd crave,                          
But rather the booze                                        
He was free to choose,                                      
And thought of the money he'd save.                         
                                                            
10760 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



There's a spammer (a temperate feller),                     
Who keeps a dead whore in his cellar;                       
He admits that the wench                                    
Has a terrible stench,                                      
But for saving on pussy, she's stellar.                     
                                                            
10761 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



A whore who had died in his cot                             
Was slowly reducing with rot.                               
Her face was all caved,                                     
But old Sailor Dave                                         
Got several more nuts in her twat.                          
                                                            
10762 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



With Hermits the name Dave is popular;                      
Their caves harbor actions entropular.                      
Whores rotting away,                                        
As they wait for the day                                    
For Dave to do something copular.                           
                                                            
10763 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        MrMalo                   



There once was a hermit named Dave                          
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.                            
TAPHEPHOBIC?  Not he!                                       
He cackled with glee,                                       
Contemplating joint tenancy of grave.                       
                                                            
10764 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Norm Brust               



A New England fellow named Dave,                            
Was thinking of ways he could save.                         
For sex in Nantucket,                                       
He'd not pay; said "Fuck it!                                
I'll screw something dead in a cave!"                       
                                                            
10765 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Frank Fazed              



Hermit Dave decided to lure                                 
A gal to his dark cave secure.                              
With no savoir faire,                                       
Enticed one to lair,                                        
An affordable TWO-BIT whore.                                
                                                            
10766 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Chris Papa               



A famous explorer named Dave                                
Was lost in an uncharted cave.                              
They found him at last,                                     
When a decade had passed.                                   
But there wasn't enough left to save.                       
                                                            
10767 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Will Duquette            



There's an endless amount of Daves                          
In infinite numbers of caves.                               
They're all having flings                                   
With various dead things,                                   
While the rest of us write the raves.                       
                                                            
10768 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        MrMalo                   



A reclusive old fellow named Lovell                         
Kept the corpse of a slut in his hovel.                     
He remarked, "I'll concede                                  
That it's partly from greed,                                
But mainly for want of a shovel."                           
                                                            
10769 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Bob Giandomenico    P8712



On the waves of the internet tide                           
You can go for a digital ride                               
And wash up on a shore                                      
To find a dead whore                                        
Or a cave with a hermit inside.                             
                                                            
10770 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        Bob Leclerc              



There once was a man named Dave,                            
Who would ride around town and wave                         
At the girls from his truck,                                
But he never would fuck.                                    
Just think of the money HE saved.                           
                                                            
10771 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        MrMalo                   



Hey Dave, you dead-meat loving knave,                       
Kick that bucket right out of your cave.                    
There are thousands of well-                                
Rotted whores down in hell;                                 
Just the sort that you desperately crave.                   
                                                            
10772 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE                                 



There was an old whore named Mave,                          
Who had an incredible cave.                                 
She said, "I confess                                        
It's a hell of a mess,                                      
But it's all from that hermit named Dave.                   
                                                            
10773 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE        SlvrBear                 



When annoyed by a sweetheart who's dead,                    
Don't fret, but use my way instead:                         
Lubricate well,                                             
Use Air Wick for smell,                                     
And a plastic bag over her head                             
                                                            
10774 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



When your done with your blue-belly Nellie,                 
Cover her with petroleum jelly,                             
Then keep in the freezer                                    
Till next time you please her;                              
That way she won't get so smelly.                           
                                                            
10775 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



Another young fellow called Dave,                           
When he found that dead whore in the cave,                  
Said, "I'll go first,                                       
And if she doesn't burst,                                   
I'll come to the entrance and wave.                         
                                                            
10776 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Stephen Cordwell         



And when his friend's turn came to pass,                    
He grabbed him a handful of grass                           
To make a soft buffer                                       
To protect, when he stuffed her,                            
His prick, if it poked through her ass.                     
                                                            
10777 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Stephen Cordwell         



Yet one more, whose excitable gland                         
Made him think the adventure was grand,                     
Thought fucking cold meat                                   
An unusual treat,                                           
'Til a tit came adrift in his hand.                         
                                                            
10778 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Stephen Cordwell         



The old hermit named Dave's in the sack,                    
With a hooker as dead as a mac-                             
Eral; "This, I'll  admit                                    
Make the cave stink like shit,                              
But her fingernails can't claw my back!"                    
                                                            
10779 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Allen Wolverton          



"Just take care that you do not break skin,"                
Old Dave croaked to himself with a grin;                    
And he then vandalized her,                                 
His pud fertilized her;                                     
"Just look at what's loose in her quim!"                    
                                                            
10780 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



"A dead hooker's hooters don't sag,"                        
Said Dave as he unzipped the bag.                           
"From stiffness, they're tighter,                           
And if I should bite her                                    
Cold nipples, the bitch will not nag!"                      
                                                            
10781 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



"When she was alive in Seattle,"                            
Said Dave, "this whore pained me with prattle;              
And now, though she's dead,                                 
She still racks my head                                     
With noise when her musty bones rattle!"                    
                                                            
10782 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



Hermit Dave, the old codger, is HALE.                       
He's put up his cold cave for sale.                         
He's Florida bound                                          
Where he can be found                                       
Pursuing some willing old tail.                             
                                                            
10783 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Chris Papa               



The hermit is healthy, hearty, and HALE;                    
Epitome of cave-dwelling male.                              
But you must be kidding                                     
About cold cave ridding;                                    
He was ridden from town on a rail.                          
                                                            
10784 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Daniel Ford              



In poet Pope's dank ancient grotto,                         
A lass, PUTRID Dave met while blotto;                       
He slobbered, "Let's do it.                                 
There ain't nothin' to it.                                  
I won you in hermit cave's lotto."                          
                                                            
10785 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Elois                    



Before he could sully her virtue,                           
There flew by, a bird aka foo.                              
Who turned in a loop,                                       
Smote Dave with bird poop;                                  
From cave, lass escaped, with her skirt, too.               
                                                            
10786 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Elois                    



Old Dave on occasion would rise,                            
And get his, as you might surmise.                          
Poop he'd wear proudly,                                     
And swear at bird loudly,                                   
While tupping his old stone cold prize.                     
                                                            
10787 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Chris Papa               



Said Freud, "Each of us is a slave                          
To the road which our ego would pave.                       
I can now confirm it,                                       
Just why Dave the Hermit                                    
Would keep a dead whore in his cave!                        
                                                            
10788 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES MrMalo                   



His mind hasn't suffered bewitching!                        
His beanbag still has all of its stitching.                 
By stroking his id                                          
With the corpses he's hid,                                  
He puts up with a whole lot less bitching!                  
                                                            
10789 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES MrMalo                   



That sailor named Dave likes her lean,                      
Not swollen up tight with the sheen                         
Of slimy wet mold,                                          
But leathered and cold,                                     
With only a hint of gangrene.                               
                                                            
10790 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



He savors her daily, not twice,                             
But claims, "An all-nighter's quite nice.                   
With cave-chilled dead cunt,                                
I lengthen me stunt,                                        
And save even further, on ice."                             
                                                            
10791 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



If Dave had the chutzpah to run,                            
And give up his cave-dwelling fun,                          
The country just might                                      
Love a troglodyte,                                          
Who never flew on "Airforce One."                           
                                                            
10792 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Chris Papa               



Think of the money we'd save;                               
He'd host diplomats in his cave.                            
This bachelor rare                                          
Would also just spare                                       
Us from other first ladies, grave.                          
                                                            
10793 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Chris Papa               



I put up my mule and my plow,                               
Then went to Lucille's for some chow;                       
"Lucille, are you open?"                                    
I asked her, just hopin';                                   
She spread her legs, said, "I am now!"                      
                                                            
10794 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Travis Brasell           



"That's no way", I said, "to behave;                        
Why, your mother would turn in her grave                    
If she knew."  "Yes, she might;                             
Though I turn her each night,                               
Seeking fresh bits to screw", replied Dave.                 
                                                            
10795 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES Peter Wilkins            



Though I seldom am willing to roam                          
From my dank, subterranean home                             
My perspective has grown so                                 
With each radio show                                        
I'm considering leasing a telephone                         
                                                            
10796 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



There are such who might find this place gloomy;            
On the bright side, it's comfortably roomy.                 
The taxes are zero.                                         
I really do fear though,                                    
Some consider "cave" a calumny.                             
                                                            
10797 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



It is true there's not much of a view.                      
Temperature varies but a degree or two                      
But it pleases my soul;                                     
I say, "Home Sweet Hole";                                   
The bats seem to enjoy it, too.                             
                                                            
10798 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



Then there are those who might say                          
"The ambience?  Still as the grave!"                        
The resonance though,                                       
Doth enhance a solo                                         
When singing in basso in nave.                              
                                                            
10799 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



An advantage of this domicile                               
It's ideal for a party quite wild                           
I hope you're not shocked                                   
No one calls the cops                                       
When you're under the ground half a mile                    
                                                            
10800 CLASSIC - PARODY - DAVE SERIES                          



'Twas not as obscene as the geezer                          
Who lusts for his sister Louisa;                            
On Saturday nights,                                         
He enjoys her delights,                                     
Before putting her back in the freezer.                     
                                                            
10801 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Peter Wilkins            



Again from the hills they brought Kermit,                   
Again for his annual permit.                                
The reams of red tape,                                      
Forms quadruplicate,                                        
Then back to the hills went the hermit.                     
                                                            
10802 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Irving Superior     P8712



Hermit Dave, of limerick lore,                              
When crapulent, slept with a snore.                         
The sound, it was said,                                     
Would awaken the dead,                                      
But, fortunately, not that fabled whore.                    
                                                            
10803 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Norm Brust               



There once was a Hermit named Dave                          
Whose dickhead was sorta concave.                           
This often perplexed                                        
The opposite sex                                            
But after he fucks 'em, they rave.                          
                                                            
10804 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS                              



A hermit who lived on Nantucket,                            
Kept parts of two whores in a bucket.                       
He said with a wink,                                        
"These pussies might stink,                                 
But no worse that some places I've stuck it."               
                                                            
10805 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     John Miller              



As Hermit Dave grew old and DOTTY,                          
With "duty done" in old cracked potty,                      
He had to confess                                           
It made quite a mess                                        
And left the cave floor rather spotty.                      
                                                            
10806 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



Hermit Dave of dubious myth,                                
Would purposely shun any kith,                              
Lest they'd interfere                                       
With his cold-stone dear                                    
Concubine that he was always with.                          
                                                            
10807 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



Said a hermit, "This life has its price,                    
Yet I'm fond of the freedom from vice.                      
But the best thing I've known                               
About living alone                                          
Is that I have fewer lice."                                 
                                                            
10808 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     A. N. Wilkins       P8712



A hermit is God's solitary.                                 
Of all carnal joy he is chary.                              
He goes without meat                                        
And hopes to defeat                                         
The charge of the Great Adversary.                          
(chary - discreet caution)                                  
10809 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Laurence Perrine    P8712



His home's in the heart of a wood                           
Where he prays every day, as he should.                     
The goat he protects                                        
Provides milk, cheese, and sex,                             
And he finds his life simple and good.                      
                                                            
10810 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Laurence Perrine    P9504



The sex life of Herman the Hermit --                        
As least one a week he would firm it.                       
He'd fantasize dames                                        
And stroking their frames,                                  
And while he was stroking, he'd sperm it.                   
                                                            
10811 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Irving Superior     P8712



What?  No reference to the famous cave?                     
And its infamous inhabitant, Dave?                          
I know he's taboo                                           
But there are some who                                      
Liked his HERMITAGE and need to deprave.                    
                                                            
10812 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Norm Brust               



Said the recluse, "It seems my nerves fail me;              
To fuck with a young lady pales me.                         
But my balls start to swell                                 
And my prick's hard as hell,                                
So I've got to get rid of what ails me."                    
                                                            
10813 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Albin Chaplin   3024-2038



When under DURESS I'll admit                                
I'm fond of a certain hermit,                               
Whose immoral acts,                                         
All rumors, none facts,                                     
Don't bother the lad, not a bit.                            
                                                            
10814 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



There once was a hermit named Stu                           
Who found a dead whore in Peru.                             
She used to be Inca                                         
But now she just stinka,                                    
And if you were dead so would you.                          
                                                            
10815 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Skumbunny                



A hermit who lived in a cave                                
Had morals he'd comfortably waive.                          
His sex pursuit SEDULOUS,                                   
Whick left some incredulous,                                
Brought him to an early grave.                              
                                                            
10816 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



In the desert when there was a rout                         
Of fanatic young hermits about,                             
The imperitvie need                                         
Of this rabble to feed                                      
Had the grasshoppers almost wiped out.                      
                                                            
10817 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     A. N. Wilkins       P8712



His view of this fellows is dim.                            
He thinks human society grim.                               
He would do without others --                               
Friends, sisters, and brothers --                           
As he'd have them do without him.                           
                                                            
10818 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     A. N. Wilkins       P8712



A bard once in lakelapped Sirmione                          
Lived in peace, eating locusts and honey                    
Till a son of a bitch                                       
Left him dry on a beach                                     
Without clothes, boots, time, quiet or money.               
                                                            
10819 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     James Joyce         P9008



A hermit was proud that he'd saved                          
Himself for the bride that he craved.                       
He couldn't, though, shun                                   
A pass from a nun --                                        
And stalgmite-like, he just caved.  (priapic)               
                                                            
10820 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Nick                     



Young hermit sought silence of cave,                        
Except when a lady he'd crave.                              
Then he mad a pal                                           
Of GARRULOUS gal,                                           
Whom his full attention he gave.                            
                                                            
10821 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



Said a hermit who dwelt by a well,                          
"Well, I like my pad here pretty well.                      
The hours are long,                                         
And the beer isn't strong,                                  
But the Master I work for is swell!"                        
                                                            
10822 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Laurence Perrine    P8712



A muppet announcer named Kermit                             
Said a limerickster needs a permit                          
To be dirty or witty,                                       
And must be nitty-gritty,                                   
Or he'll have to withdraw like a hermit.                    
                                                            
10823 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Bill Backe-Hansen   P8712



Hermit Dave has now got it made,                            
In his new job as mortician's aide.                         
When the boss is out,                                       
You can hear Dave shout:                                    
"Some BODY is going to get laid!"                           
                                                            
10824 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Mike Perry               



A musical hermit, Von Biddle,                               
Grew weary of plucking his fiddle.                          
He found him a whore                                        
Bu said, "What a bore.                                      
I'd much rather fiddle than diddle."                        
                                                            
10825 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Julia Strawn        P8712



VIRTUOSOS lover, the Hermit,                                
Would play whenever prayers permit.                         
His cadaver sport                                           
Was one of the sort;                                        
"Necrophilia," we'd term it.                                
                                                            
10826 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



'Tis mystery why the girls crave,                           
The hermit who lives in the cave;                           
Manners more laughable                                      
Than sweet or affable,                                      
And badly in need of a shave.                               
                                                            
10827 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



Hermit Dave was the man's NOM DE GUERRE;                    
He wrote bawdy rhymes, foul and fair.                       
Yet he never signed name,                                   
To accept all the blame,                                    
For keeping a dead whore in his lair.                       
                                                            
10828 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



Said the hermit, "This life is for me!                      
I'm a lover of privacy!                                     
There is no need to squelch                                 
A fart or a belch,                                          
And I don't have to flush when I pee!"                      
                                                            
10829 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Ann Gasser          P8712



A once-married hermit named Daggen                          
Would keep a dead whore for his shaggin';                   
He said, "I profess                                         
My expenses are less,                                       
And I don't have to listen to naggin'."                     
                                                            
10830 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Hugh Clary               



The welcome mat's still out for Dave                        
And the dead things to which he'd clave.                    
I, too, would sorrow                                        
If here on the morrow,                                      
No tripping would come from the cave.                       
                                                            
10831 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Daniel Ford              



Said a hermit who lived in a wood,                          
"Nature nurtures me -- that's understood.                   
What is simple is ample,                                    
I set an example:                                           
Man thrives not on goods, but on good."                     
                                                            
10832 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Laurence Perrine    P8712



Hermits INCOMMUNICADO,                                      
Still know what to do with their rod-o.                     
And given the chance                                        
For grunting romance,                                       
Will sure play the stud with bravado.                       
                                                            
10833 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



There once was a hermit named Flynn,                        
Had a cave that he kept his whore in,                       
He said: "This putrescence                                  
Ain't quite the quintessence,"                              
As he wiped rotten cunt from his chin.                      
                                                            
10834 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS                              



I suppose Uncle Fred's in the shed                          
Resurrecting himself from the dead.                         
(You'll be telling me next                                  
That he's overly sexed                                      
And he fancies young peters instead.)                       
                                                            
10835 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



The Hermit, when women he'd crave,                          
Behaved like a RECREANT knave.                              
At night he'd appear                                        
To quick-pinch a rear,                                      
Then quickly retreat to his cave.                           
                                                            
10836 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



So we finally meet, Hermit Dave;                            
She caught cold and died, you damn knave.                   
While this whore don't look fetching,                       
No need to be retching;                                     
Let's share her!  Such money we'll save!                    
                                                            
10837 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Allen Wolverton          



The hermit, IMMURED in his cave,                            
Never bothered to shower or shave.                          
"Dead whores cannot tell                                    
When comes the smell,                                       
And think of the time that I save."                         
                                                            
10838 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Norm Brust               



A hermit who lives in Vallejo                               
Took part in a sexual rodeo,                                
But the sixty-nine rides                                    
So upset his insides,                                       
That he's now a new patient at Mayo!                        
                                                            
10839 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Grand Prix Lim  934      



So what about your hermit Dave                              
And the things that he does in his cave.                    
He sure doesn't snivel                                      
'Bout urges primeval,                                       
But attacks with both hands like a knave.                   
                                                            
10840 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     J'Carlin                 



A hermit who had what it takes,                             
St. Gordic got all of the breaks.                           
As he did not condone                                       
Ever feeling alone,                                         
He made pets of the neighborhood snakes.                    
                                                            
10841 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     A. N. Wilkins       P8712



One evening a hermit named Harry,                           
As he dined on some seeds and a berry,                      
Said, "I would rather partake                               
Of a thick juicy steak                                      
And perhaps a small glass of sherry."                       
                                                            
10842 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Frank Ward          P9312



This hermit lives up on a shelf.                            
He cares nothing of power or pelf.                          
And if carnal desires                                       
Ignite inner fires,                                         
He takes care of them all by himself.                       
                                                            
10843 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Laurence Perrine    P8712



The hermit who does not despise                             
Creature comforts is nowadays wise,                         
And whatever he craves                                      
For his home in the caves,                                  
Banana Republic supplies.                                   
(Banana Republic - mail order catalogue business)           
10844 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     A. N. Wilkins       P8712



Hermit Dave with STRATEGEM bold,                            
Had cheapest sex, so I'm told.                              
His date never strayed,                                     
Though when she was laid,                                   
Stayed, in literal sense, very cold.                        
                                                            
10845 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



Old Hermit Dave got his urges                               
Whenever he had hormone surges.                             
And though impermissible,                                   
Had pleasures VISCERAL,                                     
While droning delirious dirges.                             
                                                            
10846 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Chris Papa               



There was an old hermit named Mose,                         
Who wandered about without clothes.                         
So in Summer he got                                         
Rather sweaty and hot,                                      
While in winter he froze, I suppose.                        
                                                            
10847 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Cybergeezer              



In these hills lives an ancient recluse                     
Who for years now has suffered abuse;                       
But his name isn't Dave,                                    
And that whore in his cave                                  
Isn't dead, but she's run out of juice.                     
(Isn't dead, it is Herbert Marcuse; Irma La Douce)          
10848 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Norm Storer         P9602



We know what's in the cave of old Dave,                     
But it's not just the money he'd save.                      
He likes his Zombie whore                                   
'Cause he can come before,                                  
And not be told how to behave.                              
                                                            
10849 CLASSIC - PARODY - HERMITS     Norm Brust               



There once was a young man from Kent,                       
Whose dick was so long that it bent.                        
Into the dank cave                                          
Of dead-whore fucking Dave,                                 
Another dollar best went unspent!                           
                                                            
10850 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Arden                    



There once was a fellow from Ghent                          
Whose penis broke off, when it bent;                        
Now he wears it no more,                                    
For it fell to the floor,                                   
And he never discerned where it went.                       
                                                            
10851 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Cap'n Bean          P0007



There once was a lady from Brent                            
Who had a vagina quite bent.                                
With her lover's erection,                                  
He quite lost direction,                                    
And ended up over near Kent.                                
                                                            
10852 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Wobbly                   



There once was a young man from Kent,                       
Whose dick was so long that it bent.                        
No longer he waited,                                        
He got it truncated,                                        
But died from the blood that he spent.                      
                                                            
10853 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Njoroge                  



There once was a young man from Kent,                       
Whose dick was so long that it bent.                        
In the car door, it blocked                                 
And all around were shocked,                                
At the fact that it left a huge dent!                       
                                                            
10854 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Njoroge                  



A long-peckered fellow was Lew;                             
When he screwed, it would double in two.                    
He sincerely believed                                       
That he came, but was grieved                               
To discover he went when he blew.                           
                                                            
10855 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Albin Chaplin   3024-0518



And there, too, was this young man from Kent,               
Who's fellows were glad that he went                        
To leave their oasis                                        
On a permanent basis,                                       
As he gave up the music for Lent.                           
                                                            
10856 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT                                 



There was a young lady from Trent,                          
Whose TV  antenna got bent.                                 
The neighbors went crazy;                                   
Their screens got all hazy,                                 
For instead of receiving, she sent.                         
                                                            
10857 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Arthur Deex         P9812



There was a young lady from Brit Head,                      
Whose satellite dish got all pitted.                        
The neighbors had fits                                      
When their screens showed her tits,                         
For in lieu of receive, she transmitted!                    
                                                            
10858 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Arthur Deex         P9812



There was a young man from the Kent,                        
Who's cock was incediblely bent.                            
One night during action,                                    
He went into traction,                                      
And instead of coming, he went.                             
                                                            
10859 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT                                 



As an athlete my future was glum;                           
I was cursed with a too active bum.                         
Said my doc, "For your Wheaties,                            
Substitute cantharides.                                     
Then, instead of going, you'll come.                        
                                                            
10860 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT                                 



A peculiar sensation has Rose;                              
Much weirder than anyone knows.                             
This peculiar sensation                                     
While in copulation                                         
Is, instead of coming, Rose goes.                           
                                                            
10861 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Jim Menger          P9207



There once was a young man from Kent                        
Who had one so long that it bent.                           
So his left nut it balked                                   
Whenever he walked,                                         
But his wife thought he was heaven-sent.                    
                                                            
10862 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        MrMalo                   



There once was a young man from Kent                        
Who had one so long that it bent.                           
When he walked forward                                      
His pecker turned floorward,                                
And hobbled his gait as he went.                            
                                                            
10863 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        MrMalo                   



There once was a young man from Kent                        
Who had one so long that it bent.                           
His secret divulged                                         
When his pantaloons bulged;                                 
It looked like a lopsided tent.                             
                                                            
10864 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        MrMalo                   



There once was a young man from Kent                        
Who had one so long that it bent.                           
He moved to Nantucket                                       
But no one would suck it;                                   
They'd given up blowjobs for Lent.                          
                                                            
10865 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Frank Fazed              



There was a young lover from Kent                           
Whose penis was not at all bent.                            
It stuck out quite straight                                 
As he skewered his date;                                    
In and out, in and out, 'till he spent!                     
                                                            
10866 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT                                 



Now Lent had returned once again,                           
But Billy just couldn't refrain.                            
Forty days was too long                                     
To deprive his poor dong,                                   
So instead of Lenting, he came.                             
                                                            
10867 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT                                 



There once was a young man from Kent,                       
Whose fishing rod hummed as it bent.                        
Alarmed by the humming,                                     
Instead of it coming,                                       
His fish got away, and it went.                             
                                                            
10868 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Cybergeezer              



The damsel met an AFFLUENT gent,                            
Who suggested that he'd pay the rent,                       
If only she'd care                                          
A love nest to share.                                       
So with thought of coming, they went.                       
                                                            
10869 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Chris Papa               



A flatulent lady's consent                                  
Brought a rear-end screwing's intent.                       
A fart burst unexpected,                                    
Her lover ejected,                                          
And instead of coming, he went.                             
                                                            
10870 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT                                 



There was a young woman from Kent                           
Whose nose was so long that it bent.                        
She used it to diddle                                       
Herself in the middle,                                      
Though she wasn't too keen on the scent.                    
                                                            
10871 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Peter Wilkins            



There was a young fellow from Kent,                         
Whose dick ne'er got hard, so it bent.                      
He oft had an urgin'                                        
To roger a virgin,                                          
But hymens he'd not even dent.                              
                                                            
10872 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Tiddy Ogg                



There is a young fellow called Pat,                         
Who really don't know where it's at.                        
That bent gent from Kent                                    
Is as old as the twent-                                     
ieth century; P'raps more than that.                        
                                                            
10873 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT                                 



A macho lover, SENESCENT,                                   
With a once rigid organ, now bent;                          
When push came to shove,                                    
To try to make love,                                        
Unlike former coming, he went.                              
                                                            
10874 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Chris Papa               



They tell of a young man from Kent                          
Whose member was famously bent.                             
If not for this quirk,                                      
(Please spare me the smirk)                                 
It could serve as a pole for his tent.                      
                                                            
10875 CLASSIC - PARODY - KENT        Norm Brust               



A curvy young lass from Nantucket                           
Walked around with her ass in a bucket.                     
"A precaution," she said,                                   
"Until I am wed,                                            
As someone might otherwise fucket."                         
                                                            
10876 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



Nantucket is famous in rhyme.                               
I'm going to go there some time                             
To check out that bucket.                                   
But, with my bad luck, it                                   
Will stink and be covered in slime.                         
                                                            
10877 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



When you reach that Nantucket bucket,                       
Please use a good shovel and muck it;                       
Take care when you throw,                                   
If not, you'll soon know                                    
From the stink on those who did not duck it.                
                                                            
10878 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



The cock on that man from Nantucket                         
Reached down to his boots where he'd tuck it.               
And he'd come with a roar,                                  
With a gallon or more                                       
That he carried around in his bucket.                       
                                                            
10879 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There once was a girl from Nantucket                        
Whose cunt was a big as a bucket.                           
Once you got past the hair,                                 
You were poking dead air,                                   
So it didn't do much good to fuck it                        
                                                            
10880 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There once was a gal from Nantucket                         
Who washed her big tit in a bucket.                         
She washed it real fine                                     
In red Dago wine,                                           
Now all the young guys want to suck it!                     
                                                            
10881 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Whose cock was so thin he could pluck it,                   
Like the strings on a harp                                  
In the key of C-Sharp,                                      
And kept me awake when he struck it.                        
                                                            
10882 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Travis Brasel            



There once was a girl from Nantucket,                       
Who kept lots of fish in a bucket.                          
If one should say, "You                                     
Must be the girl who...",                                   
Straight into the fryer she'd chuck it.                     
                                                            
10883 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Graham Lester            



There once was a girl from Nantucket                        
Whose ass was so big she would truck it,                    
All the way to the market,                                  
And there she would park it,                                
And rent dimples to boys for a ducat.                       
                                                            
10884 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



When it's long and it's hard, she could suck it;            
When it's soft and it's limp, she could chuck it.           
But once she had found                                      
Those balls, Oh so round!                                   
He exclaimed to her, "Oh, please Nan, tuck it!"             
                                                            
10885 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Arden                    



To visit Nantucket, the trick, see --                       
Is take a route south, until Dixie                          
Is reached by-and-by,                                       
And then you can try                                        
To deepthroat my dick, little pixie!                        
                                                            
10886 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Travis Brasell           



I'm sure that your dick is a beaut,                         
But my little brain did compute                             
The way to Nantucket                                        
Is North, but hell, fuck it.                                
I'd much rather the scenic root.                            
                                                            
10887 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Carol                    



The gals say my dick's picturesque,                         
And stately and so statuesque,                              
And when you arrive                                         
Sometime around five,                                       
You'll see that it's made a big messeque.                   
                                                            
10888 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Travis Brasell           



Well now, if your dick's that imposing,                     
I'll clean up that mess with a hosing,                      
And bring a supply                                          
Of beach towels to dry,                                     
Before I then get to the blowsing.                          
                                                            
10889 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Carol                    



Some misguided souls on Nantucket                           
Built a shrine for that guy who could suck it.              
But, now, 'pon my soul,                                     
There is only a hole;                                       
Even God got pissed off; Lightning struck it!               
                                                            
10890 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



Said a man from Nantucket named Sisson                      
To a girl, "You don't know what you're missin'.             
Let me shove my thing in."                                  
She replied with a grin,                                    
"If my cunt were an ear I would listen."                    
                                                            
10891 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Albin Chaplin       P0212



So long was the tongue of young Pickett,                    
That right up his ass he could stick it.                    
And he dreamed so discreet                                  
Of the ultimate treat;                                      
If his ear were a cunt, he would lick it.                   
                                                            
10892 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Albin Chaplin   3024-3004



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.                    
He was glad to have tasted                                  
The semen he'd wasted                                       
On the girls and the guys who would fuck it.                
                                                            
10893 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   E. Schaefer              



I, too, yearn to visit Nantucket,                           
And find some fresh whore for my bucket.                    
I'm sick of this old                                        
One, so clammy and cold.                                    
Even dogs can't be bothered to fuck it.                     
                                                            
10894 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Peter Wilkins            



Lets both to Nantucket return                               
And locate cheap whores who will churn                      
Their cunts on our crotches                                 
While Hugh Clary watches                                    
And Frank fucks a damned Grecian urn!                       
                                                            
10895 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Peter Wilkins            



That gash in Nantucket I spurn,                             
And I've given up that huge urn,                            
Because of the chafing;                                     
I'll do no more waifing,                                    
Subjecting my schwantz to that burn.                        
                                                            
10896 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Frank                    



Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,                     
Where he still held the cash as an asset.                   
But Nan and the man                                         
Stole the money and ran,                                    
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.                           
                                                            
10897 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Exchange            P0209



Of this story we hear from Nantucket,                       
About the mysterious loss of a bucket,                      
We are sorry for Nan,                                       
As well as the man,                                         
The cash and the bucket, Pawtucket.                         
                                                            
10898 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Pawtucket Times     P0209



Nan's man had a plan to skedaddle,                          
And take off with the cash to Seattle.                      
On his arrival out west                                     
The cash he'd invest,                                       
Then kick back on a farm and raise cattle.                  
                                                            
10899 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Bob Watson          P0209



Then the man took the cash to Cotuit                        
Leaving Nan and her Pa home to rue it.                      
Pa said, "Daughter most clearly                             
I must beat him severely,"                                  
Said Nan in response, "Please Gotuit!"                      
                                                            
10900 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Thomas J Annacone   P0209



The thief was then followed to Hingham,                     
By the sheriff whose goal was to bringham                   
Back to suffer the stares                                   
Of a jury of peers.                                         
"If he's guilty, by God, we will Hingham!"                  
                                                            
10901 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Thomas J Annacone   P0209



So the loot was returned to Nantucket.                      
It was jail for the man who had tucket.                     
But the judge was not rash,                                 
Gave the lawyers the cash,                                  
Leaving Nan and her Pa with the bucket.                     
                                                            
10902 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Thomas J Annacone   P0209



There was once a man from Nantucket,                        
He sailed the seas in a bucket,                             
Wed a gal named Flo;                                        
Used the bucket to go,                                      
And sailed all the way to Nantucket                         
                                                            
10903 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Alecia Herbert      P0209



There was an old man from Nantucket,                        
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.                          
His daughter, named Nan,                                    
Ran away with a man,                                        
And as for the bucket, Nan tuck it.                         
                                                            
10904 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Princton Tiger           



There was an old lady from Philly                           
Who thought the whole thing was quite silly.                
Pity Nan and her dad,                                       
'Cause the tout, quite the cad,                             
Bet the bucket on a slow filly!                             
                                                            
10905 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Pat Karnosh         P0209



There once was a Man from Nantucket                         
Who went by the surname of Puckett.                         
While furling a sail,                                       
He tripped on a pail,                                       
And drowned from kicking the bucket.                        
                                                            
10906 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Douglas Ames        P0209



Such a fuss over Nan, Paw and Gold!                         
There's no magic in money, I'm told.                        
But I'd like some to try...                                 
A nice cutter I'd buy                                       
And sail there before I'm too old!                          
                                                            
10907 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Gail Hunter         P0209



At a reunion years later in Pawtucket,                      
Paw forgave Nan (but hid his bucket)                        
He said "Twasn't my Nan,                                    
She was duped by that man,                                  
Who's now doing time in Nantucket."                         
                                                            
10908 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Ken Wood            P0209



While the bucket was stashed in Alaska,                     
It was found by a man named Prochaska.                      
He said with a grin,                                        
"I know it's a sin,                                         
But I'll hide it in Lincoln, Nebraska."                     
                                                            
10909 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Richard Amos        P0209



When he took the bucket to Lincoln,                         
Prochaska then started to thinkin'.                         
Perhaps I'll call Nan                                       
And I'll be her new man,                                    
And with her now I will be linkin'.                         
                                                            
10910 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Richard Amos        P0209



Now Paw was back in Nantucket,                              
Wondering where in the heck was his bucket.                 
He tried to call Nan                                        
But instead got a man                                       
From the FBI office in Pawtucket.                           
                                                            
10911 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Richard Amos        P0209



He followed them down to Pawtucket,                         
Nan, the man, and the bucket.                               
He said to the man,                                         
"You're welcome to Nan."                                    
But as for the bucket, Paw tuck it.                         
                                                            
10912 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Chicago Tribune          



Nantucketensis ridebat                                      
Penem longiormen sugebat:                                   
Si auris machina                                            
Aut potens vagina                                           
Libenter ingredi potebat.                                   
                                                            
10913 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                       L0418



A dirty old fool from Nantucket,                            
Inserted his tool in a bucket.                              
When questioned -- "Why?"                                   
Replied it is dry:                                          
It's a hole so I might as well fuck it.                     
                                                            
10914 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a singer who stuck it                        
In all of the twats of Pawtucket.                           
Every time that he sang                                     
He got paid in poon TANG --                                 
So long as he rhymed with Nantucket!                        
                                                            
10915 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



That man from Nantucket, much scorned; he                   
Hired a press agent and attorney                            
To clear his reputation                                     
For self-gratification --                                   
He was sorely priapic, not horny!                           
                                                            
10916 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Philip Welsh             



Yes let's all away to Nantucket                             
To buy some cheap beer and then chug it                     
Perhaps then each verse                                     
We write will get worse                                     
But somewhere we might find a nugget                        
                                                            
10917 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



Each May I go off to Nantucket,                             
Seek out a fresh flower and pluck it.                       
One year brought it home                                    
In a vase made of chrome;                                   
Once there, on the mantle I stuck it.                       
                                                            
10918 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



Oh, Jonny Boy, we've been quite lucky,                      
To steer ourselves clear of Nantucky,                       
Where women get rowdy                                       
When drunk and say "Howdy,                                  
You assholes!  You wanna go fucky?"                         
                                                            
10919 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



If I spun a yarn of Nantucket,                              
I know that some fool would just muck it,                   
By adding opinions                                          
From foolisher minions,                                     
Whose grammar ain't worth a damn ducat.                     
                                                            
10920 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There once was a girl from Nantucket,                       
Whose clit was so big she could suck it.                    
She said with a grin,                                       
"No guy can get in,                                         
They try, and they all kick the bucket!"                    
                                                            
10921 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   John Miller              



Would that be old Dave from Nantucket                       
Who kept a dead whore in a bucket?                          
When he wished to savour                                    
Her putrescent flavour,                                     
He'd dip in his dick and then suck it.                      
                                                            
10922 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
Who if something moved, he would fuck it.                   
He had Jack and Jill,                                       
Which gave him a thrill,                                    
Not to mention his tryst with Miss Muffet.                  
                                                            
10923 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Whose head was shaped like a bucket.                        
As a child, goes the tale,                                  
He fell in a pail                                           
And it took them a week to unstuck it.                      
                                                            
10924 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   MrMalo                   



There once was a girl from Nantucket;                       
When she saw a dick she would suck it.                      
In joyous paroxysm                                          
She'd swallow the jism                                      
And never once ever upchuck it.                             
                                                            
10925 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There was an old man from Peru                              
Who lived in a bucket of goo.                               
But that chick from Nantucket                               
Stole the poor guy's bucket,                                
So now he is after her too.                                 
                                                            
10926 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Nik Synytskyy            



Said a stubborn old man of Nantucket,                       
When arrested for stealing a bucket:                        
"'Twarn't stolen from Nan                                   
And her larcenous man;                                      
It was mine, so I simply re-tuck it."                       
                                                            
10927 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Cybergeezer              



I yearn to return to Nantucket                              
Where whores pump my dick for a ducat.                      
Until my hot come,                                          
For that tidy sum,                                          
Brims over a ten gallon bucket.                             
                                                            
10928 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Travis                   



I'd like to go visit Nantucket,                             
Find me a big dick and I'd suck it,                         
'Til it was bone dry,                                       
Then I'd say goodbye,                                       
Toss it in a bucket and chuck it.                           
                                                            
10929 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Carol                    



Now that wasn't me in Nantucket,                            
You chewed off and tossed in a bucket.                      
It must have been Frank,                                    
As you dream-chewed his crank?                              
Or Tiddy?  Pete?  Travis?  You sluck it?                    
                                                            
10930 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Gearhart                 



I'd carry my dick to Nantucket,                             
So Carol could kneel down and suck it.                      
But since it's so big,                                      
An eighteen-wheeled rig                                     
Is needed in order to truck it.                             
                                                            
10931 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Travis                   



My wife is an ugly old bag                                  
Who does nothing but argue and nag.                         
So I went to Nantucket                                      
And borrowed Dave's bucket                                  
Of whores for a bloody good shag.                           
                                                            
10932 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET   Peter Wilkins            



A whale - tired of life - from Nantucket -                  
As for hunting, it tried just its luck; it                  
Just waved its long dong                                    
When the ships came along.                                  
And success!  It now lives in a bucket...                   
                                                            
10933 CLASSIC - PARODY - NANTUCKET                            



There once was a dentist Pierre,                            
Who was drilling a girl in the chair.                       
Said the girl, "Stop your drilling,                         
Wrong cavity you're filling!"                               
Said Pierre, still drilling, "C'est la guerre!"             
                                                            
10934 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER                              



There was a plumber from Wheeling                           
Who was plumbing with passion and feeling.                  
"Do you like it?" he pled.                                  
"Not really,"  she said,                                    
"But I like the designs on the ceiling."                    
                                                            
10935 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



A fat female plumber from Leigh                             
Was plumbing a lad by the sea.                              
When he said, "Someone's coming,"                           
She answered, still plumbing,                               
"I'll try to bend over and see."                            
                                                            
10936 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     Martin Wellborn     P9311



Il y avait un plombier, Francois,                           
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.                         
Dit-elle, "Arretez!                                         
J'entends quelqu'un venait."                                
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."                  
                                                            
10937 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER                         L0061



There was a young plumber from Pau                          
Was plumbing a maid in the bois.                            
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,                        
There's somebody coming."                                   
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "C'est moi".              
                                                            
10938 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER                              



A short-peckered plumber named Heep                         
Plumbed a maid in the back of a jeep.                       
"Are you coming?" he cried.                                 
"Not a chance," she replied,                                
"I had almost fallen asleep."                               
                                                            
10939 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



A classical plumber, Ben Hur,                               
Plumbed a girl on a rug made of fur.                        
He heard someone coming,                                    
But kept right on plumbing.                                 
He figured, "It's probably her."                            
                                                            
10940 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



A homosexual plumber named Jim                              
Plumbed his lover in a corridor dim.                        
Said the lover, "Keep plumbing,                             
I think that I'm coming."                                   
Jim sighed; he wished it were him.                          
                                                            
10941 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



A poorly endowed plumber named Pym,                         
Swapped wives with a friend on a whim.                      
Asked Pym, while plumbing,                                  
"Is anyone coming?"                                         
"If there is," said his partner, "it's them."               
                                                            
10942 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



There once was a plumber named Gus,                         
Who plumbed a young girl on a bus.                          
Said she, "Stop your plumbing,                              
I hear people coming."                                      
Said the plumber, "Perhaps it is us."                       
                                                            
10943 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



And, of course, there's the old plumber who                 
Was plumbing a lady named Lou.                              
"Get out of my bed,                                         
Someone's coming," she said.                                
"Relax," said the plumber, "It's you."                      
                                                            
10944 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,                             
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.                          
Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,                              
Ich hore Mann kommen."                                      
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."               
                                                            
10945 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER                         L0062



A plumber was plumbing Miss Schule.                         
She said, "Stop your plumbing, you fool.                    
It's a waste of good plumbing                               
For you'll not be coming.                                   
I'm afraid you've forgotten your tool."                     
                                                            
10946 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     Phil Cannibal       P9303



"Stop plumbing," she shouted but he                         
Said, "If anyone's coming, it's me."                        
Yet since there stood her dad                               
With a shotgun, the lad                                     
Now's a married young plumber of Leigh.                     
                                                            
10947 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     A. N. Wilkins       P8507



An educated plumber from Rye                                
Plumbed the same girl on the sly.                           
Said the girl, "Hold it dear,                               
Someone's coming, I fear."                                  
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "'Tis I."                 
                                                            
10948 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



A plumber plumbed a lady named Cyd,                         
Who was fearful of having a kid.                            
"While plumbing," said she,                                 
"Don't come inside me."                                     
Said the plumber, "Too late. I just did."                   
                                                            
10949 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     James M. Menger     P9311



A proper young plumber of Leigh,                            
When called by a babe fine to see,                          
Fixed the leaking post haste                                
With deportment most chaste,                                
But he charged an exorbitant fee.                           
                                                            
10950 CLASSIC - PARODY - PLUMBER     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Racine                            
Who invented a fucking machine.                             
But when it cantilevered,                                   
His nuts were both severed,                                 
So now he's an opera queen.                                 
                                                            
10951 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      MrMalo                   



There once was a man from Racine,                           
Whose voice was remarkably clean.                           
He could reach a top 'C'                                    
Whilst having a pee,                                        
Perched sideways atop a ravine.                             
                                                            
10952 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      John Miller              



There once was a man from Racine                            
Who invented a blowjob machine.                             
An animatronica                                             
Version of Monica;                                          
The President bought seventeen.                             
                                                            
10953 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      MrMalo                   



Il y avait un jeune homme de Boyer                          
Qui fabrique une machine a futoyer.                         
Concave ou convexe,                                         
Pour plaire aux deux sexes,                                 
Et extremeement simple a nettoyer.                          
                                                            
10954 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE                               



Homo ingenius Racina                                        
Coitus invenit machina.                                     
Adapta convexus                                             
Utrosque pro sexus                                          
Dispendit cum omne vagina.                                  
                                                            
10955 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE                               



The wife of the man from Racine                             
Ran off with his fucking machine.                           
She also had sex                                            
With a robot named Rex --                                   
The hardest damn hardon she'd seen.                         
(And her husband has become a has been.)                    
10956 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      Neal Wilgus         P8211



And the hammer he called his ballpeen.                      
He was copper and turned her twat green.                    
He jabbed her and ruptured her spleen.                      
A real dog, if you know what I mean.                        
                                                            
                                                            
10957 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      Neal Wilgus         P8211



There once was a man from Racine                            
Who invented a fucking machine;                             
With suction pump gizmo                                     
For collection of jizmo,                                    
It's designed to keep carpets clean.                        
                                                            
10958 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      MrMalo                   



There once was a young man from Kent                        
Who had one so long that it bent,                           
By that fucking machine                                     
That the man from Racine                                    
For amusement had filled with cement.                       
                                                            
10959 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      Peter Wilkins            



There once was a man from Racine                            
Who invented a fucking machine.                             
It had fuel injection                                       
And azimuth correction                                      
And when finished played "God Save The Queen!"              
                                                            
10960 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      MrMalo                   



There once was a man from Racine,                           
Who invented a fucking machine                              
With hydraulic rams                                         
And dual overhead cams;                                     
He died when it ruptured his spleen.                        
                                                            
10961 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      MrMalo                   



A very large girl called Nadine,                            
Who was also from dear old Racine,                          
Her butt was so chubby,                                     
She could not find a hubby,                                 
So she used the famous fucking machine.                     
                                                            
10962 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      Popsicle           TP9807



There once was a man from Racine                            
Who invented a fucking machine.                             
It suited all gender,                                       
Straight, queer, or bender,                                 
And came complete with some Vaseline.                       
                                                            
10963 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      Bob Hunt                 



There once was a man from Racine                            
Who invented a fucking machine.                             
He made it of wood                                          
Which wasn't too good,                                      
'Cause the splinters played hell with your spleen.          
                                                            
10964 CLASSIC - PARODY - RACINE      MrMalo                   



While Titian was mixing Burnt Umber                         
His model slipped off into slumber                          
The position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition                                           
So he stealthily started to plumb her.                      
                                                            
10965 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian mixed Cadmium Yellow                           
His model was playing the cello                             
The position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition --                                        
Pizzicato reduced her to Jello!                             
                                                            
10966 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian mixed up Crimson Lake                          
His model was baking a cake                                 
Her position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition --                                        
He put buns in her oven, the rake!                          
                                                            
10967 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian was mixing French Blue                         
His model was tying her shoe                                
The position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition                                           
A posteriori, she knew.                                     
                                                            
10968 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian was relieving his bladder,                     
His miffed model, posed nude on a ladder.                   
Her position to Titian                                      
Suggested coition,                                          
But his jump on her bones made Rose madder.                 
                                                            
10969 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      Arthur Deex         P2005



While Titian was mixing Mars Red                            
His model was scratching her head.                          
The position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition                                           
But then everything did, so it's said.                      
                                                            
10970 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian was mixing Payne's Grey                        
(Which he couldn't have done in his day)                    
The position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition                                           
In a transfigurational way.                                 
                                                            
10971 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian was mixing Red Ochre                           
His model would call up her broker                          
Her position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition                                           
While she spoke to her broker he'd stroke her.              
                                                            
10972 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



Young Ivan watched Anne on the tractor                      
And took off his pants to distracter.                       
Her position to Ivan                                        
Suggested connivin',                                        
So he climbed on the tractor and factor.                    
                                                            
10973 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      Albin Chaplin   3024-0359



So it's said, but the true story is sadder.                 
He felt giddy when up on the ladder;                        
His model, fair Rose,                                       
Frustratedly froze,                                         
So Titian was mad -- and Rose madder.                       
                                                            
10974 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      Bill Backe-Hansen   P8507



A nude Negro model, Rose Madder,                            
Took refuge beneath a high ladder.                          
But the sculptor, Brancusi,                                 
Unafraid of black pussy,                                    
Walked under the ladder and had her.                        
                                                            
10975 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN                               



While Titian was mixing Sienna                              
His model embraced her duenna                               
Their position, to Titian                                   
Suggested coition                                           
He had had with a nun in Ravenna.                           
                                                            
10976 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian mixed Ultramarine                              
His model read Vogue magazine                               
Her position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition                                           
(You can fill in the rest of the scene.)                    
                                                            
10977 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian was mixing Veridian                            
His model exposed her meridIan                              
Her position, to Titian                                     
Suggested coition                                           
The figure they made was Euclidian.                         
                                                            
10978 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN      John E Mayhood           



While Titian dabbed paints here and there,                  
His model leaned over a chair.                              
Her position to Titian                                      
Suggested contrition,                                       
So he painted the Virgin at prayer.                         
                                                            
10979 CLASSIC - PARODY - TITIAN                               



A butcher there was at Athlone,                             
Whom a beggar once asked for a bone;                        
But he drove him away                                       
With a blow of his tray --                                  
O! his heart was as hard as a stone.                        
                                                            
10980 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Published 1822           



There once was a dumb CEO       (Chief Executive Officer)   
Who stepped on his CFO's toe.   (Chief financial Officer)   
So the latter in revenge,                                   
Refused to arrange                                          
A preposterously leveraged BO.  (Buy out)                   
                                                            
10981 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Sepp Weidacher           



One trusts it is no longer true,                            
That you do what you once used to do;                       
I hope it's a lie                                           
That these days you try                                     
To do certain other things, too.                            
                                                            
10982 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Beelzebub                



We reset our clocks in springtime,                          
'Fore the Sunday two a.m. chime.                            
Set your clock to early                                     
And then you will surely                                    
Be known as ahead of your time.                             
                                                            
10983 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Kirk Miller              



Tonight we spring ahead in time,                            
So I'm sending this little rhyme.                           
If you like this lexicon                                    
Then please forward it on.                                  
Just say that you're "passing the time."                    
                                                            
10984 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Kirk Miller              



The FCAT has parents distraught:                            
Frantic cramming annihilates thought.                       
Fails creative arts too;                                    
Fewer children aim true.                                    
Fundameantally, classes aren't taught.                      
(FCAT - Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test)              
10985 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Peter Wilkins            



My zurd will just jism with glee,                           
If you will play scrabble with me,                          
Once more so I might                                        
Finally beat you tonight,                                   
And zorbits my tiles on the shlee.                          
                                                            
10986 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



The lessons of life can be tough;                           
The roads that you travel, quite rough.                     
Don't loan cash to a friend,                                
Don't pee into the wind,                                    
Never trust a pit bull named Fluff!                         
                                                            
10987 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Jumping Jack             



My log-hauling project was arduous                          
And hampered my time to be barduous,                        
But now that I'm back                                       
I'll work on my knack                                       
Of rhyming -- and also my harduous!                         
                                                            
10988 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



But I'll need some help with the latter,                    
From all of the girls whom I flatter;                       
Like Sadie Mae Klonths                                      
Who, now at nine months,                                    
Proves 'harduous knacks' makes girls fatter!                
                                                            
10989 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



Instead of "Have a nice day" say                            
"I wish you have a NICER day."                              
And he'll think "NICER than...?"                            
And maybe change a plan                                     
And that's "Goodbye" the NICEST way.                        
                                                            
10990 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Irving Superior     P9103



To run a business endeavor                                  
There's a risk in being too clever.                         
I long for the days                                         
When honesty pays,                                          
And a man's word lasted forever.                            
                                                            
10991 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Gerald Bosacker          



For a hobby she'd searched and she'd looked.                
She had volunteered, gardened and cooked.                   
But when Martha O'Day                                       
Taught her how to crochet,                                  
She smiled wryly, declaring, "I'm hooked."                  
                                                            
10992 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



A circus performer named Harriet                            
Amazes the crowd with her lariat.                           
Her act features stoops                                     
Before leaps through her loops,                             
And then leaps before stoops, just to vary it.              
                                                            
10993 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Cybergeezer              



Some say laughing at troubles won't work.                   
(Please don't giggle, they'll think you're a jerk!)         
If a chortle won't win,                                     
Try using a grin;                                           
Then polish them off with a smirk.                          
                                                            
10994 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               John Miller 0020         



A fisherman's wife from Penath,                             
Invented a new way to laugh,                                
Using both of her feet                                      
And a long rubber sheet,                                    
Which her son folded neatly in half.                        
                                                            
10995 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Michael Palin            



When she felt a good joke coming on,                        
She'd shout, "Get the rubber sheet, John!"                  
But when it was found                                       
And laid on the ground,                                     
Whatever was funny was gone.                                
                                                            
10996 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Michael Palin            



A very light sleeper named Lowndes                          
Would wake at the slightest of sounds,                      
Like a fish thinking hard,                                  
Or the rustling of lard,                                    
Or moles far beneath football grounds.                      
                                                            
10997 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Michael Palin            



My hubby could not sleep around,                            
Because of his loud sleeping sound.                         
An loud constant roar;                                      
A humongous big snore                                       
Rattles doors and shakes the ground!                        
                                                            
10998 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Stu Lucas           P0205



I decided to try and phone Marty.                           
A nice message (I think a real smarty)                      
But I heard background noise,                               
Was it rattles and toys?                                    
Or were you just throwing a party?                          
                                                            
10999 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Friar              TP9807



My lover is fond of massage                                 
So I pounded her with a barrage                             
Of thumps in the back                                       
And to help her relax,                                      
I used a sledgehammer from the garage.                      
                                                            
11000 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tim Raptor               



With bedside alarm clock, I fumble,                         
Then 'round in my bedroom I stumble.                        
I scratch and I yawn                                        
'Til it finally dawns                                       
On me.  "Morning?  Oh fuck it!" I mumble.                   
                                                            
11001 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Peter Wilkins            



But morningtide some people pleases;                        
The birds greet the dawn from the treeses,                  
And drop from the sky,                                      
On those passing by,                                        
A gift, which may make them shout "Jesus!"                  
                                                            
11002 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tiddy Ogg                



Wave bye-bye to the Lord Of The Rings,                      
To Mike Jackson's nose, and like things.                    
Mourn for privacy lost,                                     
The Constitution tossed,                                    
And cringe at what Eminem sings.                            
(end of 2002)                                               
11003 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Lynn Mostafa             



Do you ever consider as fun                                 
A prize by atrocity won?                                    
"I don't know that I do.                                    
How much is "too,too"?                                      
For I think I have never won one."                          
                                                            
11004 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Laurence Perrine    P9206



The neighbor's damn night sensor light                      
Shines in my bedroom so bright.                             
Lights wake me from sleep                                   
And I could just weep --                                    
Bags under my eyes are a sight!                             
                                                            
11005 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



Just what does this guy hope to see                         
By shining his yard light on me?                            
I'm prim and refined                                        
(Except in my mind)                                         
Besides, he cannot look for free!                           
                                                            
11006 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



How do I know what you say's true?                          
There are plenty here who doubt you.                        
It's true that I'm stalled;                                 
I'm not yet enthralled                                      
By all the things you say you do.                           
                                                            
11007 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



I think I must have some more proof;                        
Until then I will stay aloof.                               
Need certified docs                                         
From other "love-jocks"                                     
That tell me this is not a spoof.                           
                                                            
11008 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



A nephew who lived in Vermont                               
Wrote letters each day to his aunt.                         
But his notes were unclear                                  
To his aunt, the poor dear,                                 
For she couldn't decipher his font.                         
                                                            
11009 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Cap'n Bean          P0104



She just yelled at me, guys,                                
Socked me right between the eyes!                           
I picked myself up;                                         
I didn't throw up;                                          
If she said I did, it's all lies.                           
                                                            
11010 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



There once was a young man named Juan                       
Whom everyone noticed was gone.                             
They looked all around;                                     
Nowhere to be found;                                        
And then he walked out of the John.                         
                                                            
11011 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Caleb                    



My lives in the past were no good,                          
So now I behave as I should.                                
Then maybe someday                                          
In the future I'll play.                                    
I wish in this life that I could.                           
                                                            
11012 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Julia Strawn        P8711



An ardent debater named Adam                                
Loved to yak on the phone to a madam.                       
To be deprived of this pleasure                             
Was a fear beyond measure,                                  
So you name the gadgets, he had 'em.                        
                                                            
11013 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Maxine Stephen           



The photo was made with panache;                            
The fellow who made it had dash.                            
The camera was filled                                       
With film and I'm thrilled.                                 
There was no need to set off the flash.                     
                                                            
11014 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Al Willis           T9710



When I'm trembling from earlobe to pinky,                   
While the weather grows less rinky-dinky,                   
The time is now here                                        
For that toy I hold dear --                                 
When I'll spring with my spring spring, the Slinky!         
                                                            
11015 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Jess Rae                 



There was a young lady named Nerys                          
Who lived on an old-fashioned terrace.                      
When the fair was in town,                                  
She would hurry on down;                                    
She loved rides on the big wheel by Ferris.                 
                                                            
11016 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Arthur Pattaffy          



The cub scouts went to camp feeling scared;                 
Their folks wanted to know how they fared.                  
After a week at the site,                                   
When it rained day and night,                               
They fared well because of "Be prepared."                   
                                                            
11017 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Arthur Pattaffy          



When I read of my days in scout camp,                       
Where the weather was often quite damp;                     
Looking back I resent,                                      
That as well as a tent,                                     
I did not have a very large gamp.  (umbrella)               
                                                            
11018 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Arthur Pattaffy          



When I was young I was a boy scout;                         
Our activities were indoors and out.                        
We would go off to camp,                                    
In good weather, or damp;                                   
That is what scouting is all about.                         
                                                            
11019 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a scoutmaster named Brent,                        
Who slept every night in a tent.                            
Every night, every season,                                  
He was there for a reason,                                  
For his sleeping, he'd not pay the rent!                    
                                                            
11020 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Arthur Pattaffy          



On Wednesday I go with great speed                          
Whether or not there's a need.                              
It's down to B & Q,                                         
To form a long queue;                                       
"10% off", is the old folks creed.                          
                                                            
11021 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tony Burrell             



"Oh, will you go shopping for me?;                          
There's not many items, just three.                         
Do you need a list?"                                        
I said no and kissed                                        
Dear Erm...all three start with a B.                        
                                                            
11022 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tiddy Ogg                



I set off, bought butter and bread,                         
Then stopped, frowned, and then scratched my head.          
What was number 3,                                          
That started with a B?                                      
"I'll get all I can," I then said.                          
                                                            
11023 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tiddy Ogg                



So Bisto and Boveil I bought,                               
And beans, bags, baguettes; then I thought --               
Ah yes, Bounty bars,                                        
A couple of bras,                                           
And boiled beef and bacon, I brought.                       
                                                            
11024 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tiddy Ogg                



By this time, I'd spent all my money.                       
I went home and Erm muttered "Funny.                        
You've really gone mad                                      
With your buying, my lad.                                   
But where, Tiddy dear, is the honey?"                       
                                                            
11025 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tiddy Ogg                



But of course, Tiddy got it with ease,                      
The third item starting with B's.                           
For to make combs of honey                                  
Doesn't take lots of money,                                 
But honey's not made without bees.                          
                                                            
11026 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Liam na Beag             



Of course, bees couldn't do it alone.                       
There's flowers to be landed upon,                          
And pollen to gather,                                       
So I would say, rather,                                     
'Twas flowers had first to be grown.                        
                                                            
11027 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Liam na Beag             



But to be biologically sound,                               
Just which was the first to be 'round?                      
Was it flowers for pollen?                                  
Was it seed that had fallen?                                
Or was it just pollen was found.                            
                                                            
11028 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Liam na Beag             



"Two six packs, that's two," said the shopper;              
"Twelve bottles, that's twelve, you must stop her!"         
Screamed another in line.                                   
"Store Melee Wounds Nine"                                   
Was the next morning newspaper's topper.                    
                                                            
11029 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               John Eggerton       P0104



There once was a guy named Ed,                              
Who loved his mahogany bed.                                 
He'd sleep all day through                                  
And all night, it is true.                                  
"Good Night!" is all that he said.                          
                                                            
11030 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Jim Weaver Collection    



A slothful young fellow from Hull,                          
When life seemed excessively dull,                          
Once tried thinkful wishin'                                 
With slow manumission --                                    
But dropped off to sleep in a lull.                         
                                                            
11031 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Keith MacMillan       52d



I slept the first night on the couch.                       
I awoke rolled up in a crouch.                              
Attempts to stand tall                                      
Did no good at all.                                         
I just grumble, groan and say "Ouch!"                       
                                                            
11032 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



Last night "The King" sang me to sleep;                     
Induced a trance that was so deep,                          
I slept through the clock.                                  
My pay they will dock;                                      
I did not hear my alarm beep!                               
                                                            
11033 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



There once was a weirdo named Cox,                          
Who loved to sniff everyone's socks.                        
Said he, "Sure, it's stinky,                                
But don't call it kinky,                                    
Or I'll send you home in a box!"                            
                                                            
11034 CLEAN - ACTIVITY                                        



To loll in a doorway is commonplace.                        
It's thoughtless and shows a lack of grace.                 
Now here is my riddle:                                      
Why stand in the middle,                                    
When inside or outside, their's space.                      
                                                            
11035 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Bluebird                 



Is it true that you frolic with Jello?                      
While saying hello to a fellow?                             
I really don't care                                         
If you Jello your hair,                                     
But I wish that you'd stifle your bellow.                   
                                                            
11036 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               The Beard                



An Englishman always knows how                              
To arrest an incipient row.                                 
With the iciest stare                                       
Meaning, "Do if you dare,"                                  
And, if need be, he raises his brow.                        
                                                            
11037 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Warrick Elrod            



Have you ever considered a change?                          
To go off and ride on the range?                            
Or hunt polar bear                                          
In the forests near Ayr?                                    
Or dance with a dog with the mange?                         
                                                            
11038 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Tiddy Ogg                



There was a rich girl from Vancouver                        
Whose governess never could move her.                       
Then one day she said,                                      
"You get out of that bed,                                   
Or I'll suction you out with the Hoover!"                   
                                                            
11039 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Graham Jones             



I once shopped Supermarkets for grapes                      
And meat products, perhaps frozen crepes.                   
That was in days of yore.                                   
Now! Just go there for                                      
Dates, prescriptions drugs, video tapes.                    
                                                            
11040 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



Talk radio bangs a loud gong;                               
I never can listen for long.                                
Dissent they dismiss                                        
For the message they hiss;                                  
Is "we're right, and non-listeners are wrong."              
                                                            
11041 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Bruce Thompson           



There's a pleasant young fellow named James                 
Whose behavior each moralist blames.                        
With a genius IQ                                            
Multi-talented too,                                         
He keeps thinking of nothing but dames.                     
                                                            
11042 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Isaac Asimov             



A young Homo sapiens, Leif,                                 
Had an almost religious belief,                             
That when encountering a stone,                             
Its fate's to be thrown,                                    
Preferably while perched on a peak.                         
                                                            
11043 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Anon                     



A young man from Redcar, called Vince                       
Used to drop very obvious hints                             
Like, "Oh dear, I say!                                      
It's my birthday today,                                     
And I'm right out of After Eight Mints."                    
                                                            
11044 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Michael Palin            



There are ways for the top-earning classes,                 
Exclusive or more for the masses;                           
Some make a big pile                                        
Selling carpets in style,                                   
Some simply attend to the asses.                            
                                                            
11045 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Bill Backe-Hansen   P9301



My Scarlet is up typing nightly,                            
When I wish I were holding her tightly.                     
But it must be OK,                                          
Cause all I can say,                                        
Is a keyboard in bed is unsightly.                          
                                                            
11046 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Pioneers without trucks, needed trains;                     
Before there were roads, there were lanes.                  
If no tools and dies,                                       
Means you must improvise;                                   
If you've no education, use brains.                         
                                                            
11047 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               VOL 5                    



My store checkout line is not fast,                         
So I change to line 2.  I'm aghast!                         
Line 1 just got quicker.                                    
Line 2 was a tricker.                                       
Yea!  The last shall be first; the first, last!             
                                                            
11048 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Andrea Dietrich          



Animals must think humans strange,                          
That they have a bad case of the mange.                     
Our ranting and raving                                      
And ways of behaving,                                       
They probably think we're deranged.                         
                                                            
11049 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Gearhart                 



A ticklish young titter named Tillie                        
Said, "Giggling is stupid and silly,                        
But some spots that you rub, Bub,                           
Create a real hubbub,                                       
Like erogenous zones on a filly!"                           
                                                            
11050 CLEAN - ACTIVITY               Grand Prix Lim  301      



A bowl of flakes bright,starts my morn;                     
Helps the farmer where I was born.                          
Five cents is his share;                                    
Do you think this is fair?                                  
I paid three dollars for that corn!                         
                                                            
11051 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Gerald Bosacker          



A noisy young student from Saudi,                           
Was dismissed by his tutors as rowdy.                       
So imagine his glee                                         
When he got his degree;                                     
They had to admit him Cum Laude.                            
                                                            
11052 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Roger Morris             



The clocks have gone forward again;                         
It's a regular summer-time pain.                            
Been winding my watches                                     
Through several notches,                                    
And now I'm adjusting my brain.                             
                                                            
11053 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC                             



The cost of producing is mixed.                             
Part of the cost will be fixed.                             
And the rest, never-ending,                                 
On level depending,                                         
Or maybe on the politics.                                   
                                                            
11054 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Anon                     



Librarians know lots of neat stuff,                         
And can find it when going gets tough.                      
How deep is the sea?                                        
Can you find it for me?                                     
They'll go and find it, sure enough.                        
                                                            
11055 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Earl J Moniz             



Learning is fun, not a curse!                               
Especially when it's taught in verse.                       
Because you don't learn,                                    
It'll be harder to earn                                     
A paycheck.  Now what could be worse?                       
                                                            
11056 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Tom Campbell             



A scholar who feared to misquote                            
Carefully clarified all that he wrote.                      
His works were well padded                                  
With each reference added.*                                 
                                                            
*In the form of a learned footnote.                         
11057 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC                        P8203



All learn-to-speak records should vanish                    
Or just scratchy ones, they should banish.                  
'Cause the last one I bought                                
Taught me fluent, I thought,                                
Till they told me I stutter in Spanish.                     
                                                            
11058 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Friar                    



A lazy old fellow named Gideon                              
Wastes hours in matters quotidian.                          
If he can but peruse                                        
All the day's petty news,                                   
He feels he has reached his meridian.                       
                                                            
11059 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Armand E Singer       870



Have you noticed how it seldom fails;                       
Different cultures share myths, sayings, tales?             
Several have, it's been said                                
The one... "nail on the head,"                              
But only in those which use nails.                          
                                                            
11060 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



There was a young fellow named Trevor,                      
Who said, "I'd quite like to be clever.                     
I think I'd be less denser                                  
If they'd ask me joining Mensa;                             
I'd join if they ask."  But they never.                     
                                                            
11061 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Richard Long             



Through his school days he suffered a lack                  
And felt worthless; knew he didn't stack                    
Up with the other kids.                                     
He was on downhill skids                                    
And dropped out, for he had no back pack.                   
                                                            
11062 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



"The School Of Hard Knocks," Mr. Pease                      
Remarked, "never has been a breeze.                         
Unlike many a college                                       
Of more abstract knowledge,                                 
It gives no honorary degrees."                              
                                                            
11063 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    A. N. Wilkins       P8311



There was a young man who said "Look!                       
I perceive the demise of the book.                          
The past we'll forget;                                      
Now we all surf the net."                                   
I hope the young man was mistook.                           
                                                            
11064 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Richard Long             



What I've learned in the world, I've forgotten.             
So some education I've bought'en.                           
With my good intent                                         
And money I've spent,                                       
My readin' and writin's still rotten!                       
                                                            
11065 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Jeralah             P9811



I offer my deepest apology,                                 
For not writing much on cosmology.                          
I know little of space,                                     
And so to save face                                         
I'll tell you some stuff 'bout psychology.                  
                                                            
11066 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Bob Birch           P0111



My favorite thing is a good book;                           
Yes, sex is okay for a look --                              
But I'd rather read                                         
Than have me a feed.                                        
If only I knew how to cook.                                 
                                                            
11067 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Marlene Lewis            



There was a Grad student named Lydia,                       
Who pored over the encyclopedia.                            
Her husband then said,                                      
As she avidly read,                                         
"Lydia, I can't keep up widya."                             
                                                            
11068 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Tom Ratliff         P0303



Whilst readin' me way through the news,                     
Just lookin' for something to use,                          
I focused me eyes                                           
On two nice replies,                                        
And now I just can't seem to lose!                          
                                                            
11069 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC                             



"I'll tell you the reason," said Francis,                   
"That I like to read true romances.                         
They are all as false                                       
As a Viennese valse,                                        
But a true one enhances the dances."                        
                                                            
11070 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Laurence Perrine    P9305



Tonight, before hitting the sack,                           
I took your mum's book off the rack.                        
I didn't intend                                             
To get to the end,                                          
But read from her front to her back!                        
                                                            
11071 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC                             



Serialites in Tel Aviv face a mosaic                        
Of alphabets, mod and archaic;                              
In order to read                                            
Their journals, they need                                   
To know English along with Hebraic.                         
                                                            
11072 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Serial Limericks    P8401



He's horny, that schoolboy named Gates,                     
And what he does rhymes with "the fates",                   
But it's not as it seems --                                 
He on one of the teams                                      
That practice scholastic debates.                           
                                                            
11073 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    Armand E Singer       667



A zoology prof, Dr Crunch,                                  
Brought a specimen out for the bunch.                       
And his students reported                                   
That he practically snorted:                                
"I distinctly recall eating lunch."                         
                                                            
11074 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    A N Wilkins         P0211



"I did not," said a frosh from Moline,                      
"Call the business school head a sardine                    
At the rally. Instead,                                      
What I actually said                                        
To my buddy was, 'Look! That's our dean!'"                  
                                                            
11075 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    A N Wilkins         P0211



Though the students are usually keen                        
To read limericks penned by the dean,                       
They say if, in the main,                                   
They have cause to complain,                                
It's because what he writes is too clean.                   
                                                            
11076 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    A N Wilkins         P0211



Librarians keep track of the books.                         
Card catalogs have improved all their looks.                
A wee puff of smoke,                                        
'Twas a bit of a joke,                                      
But they frown at us now, like we're crooks.                
                                                            
11077 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - ACADEMIC    earl J Moniz             



I'm sorry; I haven't a clue,                                
So tell me just what you would do.                          
We haven't much time,                                       
So answer in mime.                                          
Oh, I see.  Very well; same to you.                         
                                                            
11078 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Bill Wall                



A perverse old Person named Rose,                           
Was attracted by sin, I suppose.                            
He would sit there and think                                
About women and drink,                                      
Which is okay, as far as it goes.                           
                                                            
11079 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Roger Morris             



The Oscars are on the TV,                                   
But it's of no interest to me.                              
I sit and I rhyme                                           
Just killing some time                                      
Before my bedtime tea.                                      
                                                            
11080 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Rev. Joseph Blaylock     



There was a young man so benighted,                         
He never knew when he was slighted.                         
He'd go to a party,                                         
And eat just as hearty                                      
As if he'd been really invited.                             
                                                            
11081 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Francis Parkinson Keyes  



There was a bright fellow of Vendre                         
Whose transgressions the whole world did ponder.            
To gossips and press                                        
He'd tell all, but confess                                  
The whole story in double entendres.                        
                                                            
11082 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



There was an old man from Cape Verde                        
Where nothing whatever occurred,                            
And things were so drear                                    
That the first of each year                                 
Was often delayed till the third.                           
                                                            
11083 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      William K. Alsop    P9211



In my youth there were rules without end                    
I'd obey them, or sometimes pretend.                        
There were do's, there were don'ts,                         
There were will's, there were won'ts,                       
Disobedience, doom would portend.                           
                                                            
11084 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      L E Ott             P0206



There was a young fellow from Clyde,                        
Who once at a funeral was spied.                            
When asked who was dead,                                    
He smilingly said,                                          
"I don't know, I just came for the ride."                   
                                                            
11085 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Anon                     



I wish I had movie-star looks,                              
Or could write instant best-seller books,                   
Or some genius possessed                                    
To solve world's unrest --                                  
But no, I'm just one of the schnooks.                       
                                                            
11086 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Cyd                      



An uncommonly popular fogey,                                
Plies a mentally challenging bogey;                         
That meditation transcends                                  
Both the means and the ends.                                
Mahhareshi Mahesh Yogi                                      
                                                            
11087 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Paul Niquette            



"Au revoir, ma cheri, it's adieu."                          
She said "Ciao, farewell to you.                            
Tot ziens, wiedersehen,                                     
I'll see you again.                                         
Or as my dad says, toodle-oo."                              
                                                            
11088 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



I stood there and heaved a deep sigh.                       
Determined I was not to cry.                                
It wasn't the leaving                                       
That set me a-grieving...                                   
But why'd she not tell me goodbye?                          
                                                            
11089 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



An old librarian named Chester,                             
Held grudges and let them all fester.                       
More bitter each day,                                       
Wanted things done his way.                                 
But he lost the best person to pester.                      
                                                            
11090 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Earl J Moniz             



I once knew a man and a mouse                               
Who lived in a very small house;                            
Each was eager to share                                     
The meager things there --                                  
Though the mouse was a bit of a louse.                      
                                                            
11091 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



When the season begins, Mr. Balfour,                        
Your pals must be sorry their pal for:                      
No golf and no Souls,                                       
No nothing but Bowles,                                      
Which is such a dull game, Mr. Balfour.                     
                                                            
11092 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Punch 1902, Vol 122, p268



I turned thirty the other day;                              
My sexual prime, so they say.                               
Alone in the house,                                         
I just have to grouse,                                      
There's no one with whom I can play.                        
                                                            
11093 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



I fought in a private domain,                               
And left there all bruised and in pain.                     
It's history now,                                           
'Cause I made a vow                                         
To never go back there again.                               
                                                            
11094 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      SFA                      



There was a bloke named I.D.S.                              
Who said: "Though this party's a mess,                      
My apathy is                                                
So great for this bus-                                      
Iness, that I couldn't care less."                          
                                                            
11095 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



I picked up this phone from the ground;                     
I date the contraption around                               
Nineteen ninety eight.                                      
It's rather too late,                                       
To call up the numbers I found.                             
                                                            
11096 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



Did you ever get one of those feelings                      
That you hadn't a clue what's the dealings;                 
When people are talking                                     
And you are but gawking,                                    
While counting the flies on the ceiling?                    
                                                            
11097 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



And there you are still on the phone.                       
Your fingernails down to the bone.                          
Press press and then press,                                 
While wrath you re-press,                                   
While pressing against a dial tone.                         
                                                            
11098 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Irving Superior     P0800



This is Pioneer Village.  The sun                           
Bakes a field of log-houses to dun.                         
Each historical hut                                         
Is boarded up, shut,                                        
We shout, shake the gates, wake no-one.                     
                                                            
11099 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Ruth Silcock             



So we climb the fence, trespass, explore.                   
There's a courthouse, a schoolroom, a store,                
Barns of furniture, sheds,                                  
Stacked with carts, double beds.                            
Freezers, motorbikes, prams cram the floor.                 
                                                            
11100 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Ruth Silcock             



We poke about, ponder the place.                            
Someone's missing.  We call, rush and chase,                
Search an outhouse, a shack.                                
Here she is, coming back,                                   
A parasol shading her face.                                 
                                                            
11101 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Ruth Silcock             



We squint at the school through a chink.                    
Yellow maps, lesson books, blackened ink.                   
We can just see the date.                                   
Nineteen fifty-eight.                                       
Museums for the living, we think.                           
                                                            
11102 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Ruth Silcock             



There once was a juggler named Drops                        
Who couldn't hang onto his props.                           
He tossed 'em and heaved 'em,                               
Then dropped and retrieved 'em,                             
Till the audience told him to stop.                         
                                                            
11103 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



There once was a person of Ventry                           
Who called on the neighboring gentry;                       
He was such a bore                                          
That they bolted the door,                                  
So he rarely effected an entry.                             
                                                            
11104 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Randall Davies      P0107



Now finally, a day all alone;                               
I can do what I like on my own.                             
No company today;                                           
With myself I can play;                                     
I won't even answer the phone.                              
                                                            
11105 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



I can wear all my old holey clothes,                        
Including white socks that my toes                          
Stick out just a bit,                                       
And I don't give a shit,                                    
If anything else is exposed.                                
                                                            
11106 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



I don't have to cook for a horde;                           
My pots and pans are washed and stored.                     
I can sit and relax,                                        
All day long eat snacks,                                    
My glass of white wine is now poured.                       
                                                            
11107 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING                               



There once was a Helen McKnight                             
Who woke up at two every night.                             
When her alarm would chime                                  
At her getting up time,                                     
She'd be dead to the world, just for spite.                 
                                                            
11108 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Edwin J Weinstein        



Her husband was the opposite way;                           
He'd nod off when his head hit the hay.                     
From two until four,                                        
He'd snort and he'd snore,                                  
Adding to Helen's dismay.                                   
                                                            
11109 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a young fellow of Perth,                          
The funniest fellow on Earth.                               
He could squeak like a rat                                  
And meow like a cat,                                        
Which convulsed the whole district with mirth.              
                                                            
11110 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      John Blyth               



A woman from Upper Montclair                                
Went about with her nose in the air;                        
Pretentious and rich,                                       
The snooty old bitch                                        
Felt that nobody else could compare.                        
                                                            
11111 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Cap'n Bean          P0312



Recall fails me.  My thinking's unsound,                    
But it may be that I am renowned                            
For some outlandish thing.                                  
Which involves a short string                               
In a bow and what it's tied around.                         
                                                            
11112 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Loren Fitzhgh       P0202



The Englishman has quite a flair                            
For ignoring what's terribly there.                         
With a stiff upper lip                                      
He prevents any slip,                                       
Doing it with an unconcerned air.                           
                                                            
11113 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Warrick Elrod            



There once was a lady I know                                
Whose gait was exceedingly slow.                            
Though try as she might                                     
To keep up, her delight                                     
Was to amble around on tip toe.                             
                                                            
11114 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Edwin J Weinstein        



Dreary me!  Goodness gracious!  With all                    
Those thrills, my head spins like a ball.                   
I think I'll lie down                                       
In my old dressing gown                                     
And watch the paint dry on the wall.                        
                                                            
11115 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Indiana Millwart         



There's a patch that looks just like a rose....             
Snurfle cough!...Must have had a quick doze.                
Cut off from society,                                       
I crave some variety.                                       
I think I'll try picking my nose.                           
                                                            
11116 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - BORING      Indiana Millwart         



Housekeeping has been such a chore;                         
Make it exciting and fun I implore.                         
Now I take off my clothes                                   
And I dance as I go;                                        
Now it's better by far... and some more!                    
                                                            
11117 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Jim Weaver Collection    



Half naked I clean my house,                                
Still wearing a starchy white blouse.                       
I remember June Cleaver,                                    
Mother of Beaver,                                           
And don't want to embarrass my spouse.                      
                                                            
11118 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Jim Weaver Collection    



Embarrass your spouse? Oh no!                               
He's secretly thinking, "Let's go!"                         
Do show him what's under,                                   
To pillage and plunder.                                     
I promise he'll love the whole show.                        
                                                            
11119 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fat guy named Bub;                         
He spent all his time in the tub.                           
He got out his brush                                        
And the water did rush,                                     
And now he's as slick as a sub.                             
                                                            
11120 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Hick Whitney        T9711



There was a strange man from Cape Wroth,                    
Who bathed in some bright-colored cloth.                    
When asked for the reason,                                  
He said, "It's the season,                                  
It's not quite as hot as it wath."                          
                                                            
11121 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Jim Weaver Collection    



An eccentric who lived in Lachine                           
Had peculiar ideas of hygiene.                              
Twas better, he guessed,                                    
To bathe fully dressed,                                     
As it kept the enamelwork clean.                            
                                                            
11122 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING                             



A sailor who sailed 'round Cape Hope                        
Put ashore to borrow some soap.                             
He used it for hours                                        
In the baths and the showers,                               
But did he return it? -- Nope!                              
                                                            
11123 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Spike Mulligan           



A politico named Michael Foote                              
Said, "This brush, up the chimney, I'll put."               
The tune he was humming                                     
Was "Christmas is Coming",                                  
And so was a face full of soot.                             
(Michael Foote, leader of the Labor Party in UK)            
11124 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Spike Mulligan           



There was a young lady named Schropp                        
Whose love was considered a flop.                           
She would much rather cook                                  
Or read out of a book,                                      
Or clean up the house with a mop.                           
                                                            
11125 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Albin Chaplin            



When I travel, the thing which enthralls                    
More than spires, castles or big halls,                     
Is whenever I roam,                                         
And therefore I'm not home,                                 
I'm not drying shower stall walls.                          
                                                            
11126 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Loren Fitzhugh           



Meet Gladys and Doris and Dot;                              
One's tall and the others are squat.                        
It's Gladys who's married                                   
And often quite harried                                     
While Dottie and Doris are not.                             
                                                            
11127 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



Employed to keep offices clean                              
At Screwing, Snivel and Spleen,                             
They do love a natter                                       
And chatter, no matter;                                     
Their wages are meagre and mean.                            
                                                            
11128 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



The senior partner, old Snivel,                             
Has chairs in his office that swivel;                       
So that's where they'll be                                  
Everynight having tea,                                      
While exchanging nonsensical drivel.                        
                                                            
11129 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Gladys, me varicose veins                               
Are causing me terrible pains."                             
"Well Dr Van Morris's                                       
Pantyhose, Doris, is                                        
Best for relieving them strains."                           
                                                            
11130 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"I wears them myself for suppo't;                           
I thought after Tommy, I ought.                             
Because of his weight                                       
And 'is being so late,                                      
All me veins left me feeling distraught."                   
                                                            
11131 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Hey Dottie, you making a brew?"                            
"Yes, give me a minute or two."                             
"Well, do hurry up;                                         
I could murder a cup                                        
After scrubbing the gentlemen's loo."                       
                                                            
11132 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"I once interrupted young Spleen,                           
When giving those toilets a clean.                          
I'm sure he was <giggle>                                    
There 'aving a jiggle..."                                   
"Aye Doris, I know what you mean."                          
                                                            
11133 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Why look; if it isn't young Dot                            
With cups and a tray and a pot.                             
Now put them down here,                                     
And be careful, my dear,                                    
For that teapot is terribly hot."                           
                                                            
11134 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Well Gladys, I'm feeling quite frisky.                     
Does old Mr Snivel drink whisky?"                           
"Of course, he's a lawyer;                                  
There's some in his drawer 'ere,                            
But not the old bottle, too risky."                         
                                                            
11135 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Okay then, a shot in me tea.                               
And don't forget Doris and me."                             
"It's loverly, init?"                                       
"Be back in a minute.                                       
I'm popping next door for a pee."                           
                                                            
11136 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Now Doris, is Gladys all right?                            
She seems a bit grumpy tonight."                            
"My guess is, but hush, is                                  
She's getting 'ot flushes,                                  
Dot, just like at 50, you might."                           
                                                            
11137 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Hey Gladys, does old Mr Snivel                             
Sit here with his clients and swivel?"                      
"Why yes, it's a perk                                       
On account of his work,                                     
And..."  (etc. etc. more drivel!)                           
                                                            
11138 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"I worry 'bout Dorothy, Glad."                              
"Now Doris, it isn't so bad;                                
So what if she's keen                                       
On that nice Mr Spleen?"                                    
"But he's older, by far, than her dad!"                     
                                                            
11139 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"I hope you're not starting to preach                       
'Bout men again, Doris, for...<screech>                     
"Oh Gladys, it's not...?                                    
"Don't be silly, hey Dot;                                   
Mind that spider behind the old bleach.                     
                                                            
11140 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Now Doris, go brew us some tea                             
And leave our poor Dorothy be;                              
And then we'll relax                                        
In those chairs in our slacks                               
For a break until quarter to three."                        
                                                            
11141 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Gladys, that spider was vast.                           
It ran like the clappers right past.                        
Then went up me frock!"                                     
"What a terrible shock,                                     
But look here's the tea at long last."                      
                                                            
11142 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"A biccie?"  "Don't mind if I do."  (not a clue - McW)      
"You heard about Susie and Hugh?"                           
"Why yes, didn't the bed,                                   
On the day they were wed...?"                               
"Aye, and it cost them a packet or two."                    
                                                            
11143 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"And Gladys, love, how's your old man?"                     
"As good as expected is Stan."                              
"His op went okay?"                                         
"Aye, he piddled today                                      
Without standing an hour in the can."                       
                                                            
11144 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"But what about marital bliss?"                             
"Oh that.  Well we still have a kiss.                       
Now Doris, don't sneer."                                    
"Well I don't want to hear                                  
About stuff as revolting as this."                          
                                                            
11145 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"We need a new head on this mop."                           
"Okay then.  Tomorrow we shop."                             
"Well Gladys, let's go                                      
Up to 'Arrod's and blow                                     
All our wages and shop 'til we drop."                       
                                                            
11146 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



"Now Dot, get your butt off that swivel.                    
Put the booze where old Mr Snivel                           
Can find it again.                                          
And recork the champagne.                                   
(etc. etc. more drivel)                                     
                                                            
11147 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



I was cleaning the house in the nude;                       
The neighbor girl said I was rude,                          
For not closing the drapes                                  
While I scoured and scraped.                                
It made her quite ill...so she sued.                        
                                                            
11148 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Anon                     



An executive for an agent,                                  
Was very well known as a 'gent'.                            
He went to a party,                                         
Threw up on an 'Arty';                                      
Now he cleans toilets for rent.                             
                                                            
11149 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING                             



A refuse collector named Bert                               
Had a priceless collection of dirt,                         
Covered up by a screen                                      
To keep it all clean,                                       
With a guard dog on constant alert.                         
                                                            
11150 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Michael Palin            



I'm really determined and keen                              
To give this old house a good clean.                        
I will do it, I say,                                        
Yes, I'll do it today..                                     
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean...                        
                                                            
11151 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



A weird Dervish, the Mystic Awk Kai,                        
Would bathe rarely and then on the fly,                     
Doing so in his clothes.                                    
Should you ask, I suppose                                   
He would either drip or spin dry.                           
                                                            
11152 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9706



Cleaning the house is a bore;                               
It's a terrible mind-numbing chore.                         
Whenever I do it,                                           
I race to get through it;                                   
I don't think I'll do it no more.                           
                                                            
11153 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Peter Wilkins            



A Philipino girl named Imogena,                             
(An au pair who was really a cleaner.)                      
Was given some food                                         
Which was not very good;                                    
The result, she got leaner and leaner!                      
                                                            
11154 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Arthur Pattaffy          



If I kill all the bugs, I'll be bugless;                    
If I trash all the drugs, I'll be drugless.                 
It's said that I'm ripe,                                    
And this isn't just hype.                                   
If I don't take a bath, I'll be hugless.                    
                                                            
11155 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Al Willis           P9706



There's too many kids in this tub                           
There's too many elbows to scrub.                           
I just washed a behind                                      
That I'm sure wasn't mine;                                  
There's too many kids in this tub.                          
                                                            
11156 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Shel Silverstein         



I heard of a woman from Aberdeen                            
Who like to keep everything clean.                          
She'd scrub and she'd wash                                  
Till everything looked posh;                                
It was the saddest case that I've seen.                     
                                                            
11157 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Jim Weaver Collection    



She lived near a regional boundary,                         
In a house overlooking a foundry.                           
On the line at the back,                                    
The smoke from the stack                                    
Would blacken her freshly-washed laundry.                   
                                                            
11158 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Gerry Busch              



The Joneses, the arguing type,                              
Each to each other would gripe.                             
If her wish he wash, he                                     
Would get wishy-washy                                       
And gripe it is my turn to wipe.                            
                                                            
11159 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Irving Superior     P9103



She was radiant, sparkling, pristine,                       
A princess, yes soon to be queen.                           
Her beauty unspoiled,                                       
Her virtue unsoiled --                                      
Our brand new clothes-washing machine!                      
                                                            
11160 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Laurence Perrine    P8811



There stood, in the janitor's room,                         
A stiff male and a soft female broom.                       
And one day they said:                                      
"We ought to be wed,                                        
And broom-bride and handsome broom-groom."                  
                                                            
11161 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Tiddy Ogg                



Soon after, she said "Darling hush,                         
And her voice then in torrents did rush.                    
"I've got a surprise,                                       
I cannot disguise!                                          
We'll soon have our own little brush!"                      
                                                            
11162 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Tiddy Ogg                



The groom, at the end of his tether,                        
(Could have knocked him down with a feather.)               
"I really don't see                                         
How this thing can be;                                      
As yet dear, we've not swept together."                     
                                                            
11163 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - CLEANING    Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old farmer named Meggs,                        
Whose old farm was on its last legs.                        
His cows no longer mooed,                                   
His sow had no brood,                                       
And his hens forgot how to lay eggs.                        
                                                            
11164 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Warrick Elrod            



My fingers I fear are not green,                            
But I'm not giving up on this bean-                         
Stalk; It's twenty feet high                                
And I'm sure if I try,                                      
It will soon be the tallest you've seen.                    
                                                            
11165 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Peter Wilkins            



Muffy is away down the field;                               
She assessing this year's corn yield.                       
The thing is, I hear,                                       
She blows in each ear;                                      
So now her secret is revealed.                              
                                                            
11166 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tony Burrell             



Her garden the animals found,                               
And left tracks all over the ground.                        
The leafy green shoots                                      
Nibbled back to the roots.                                  
Total produce: well under a pound.                          
                                                            
11167 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Kurt Hoesly         P0106



In a book she found the idea                                
That applying human urea                                    
Keeps the rabbits at bay;                                   
Even deer stay away.                                        
Cried Jan as she read this, "Eureka!"                       
                                                            
11168 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Kurt Hoesly         P0106



So determined to make this plan work,                       
She developed a really weird quirk --                       
She saves all her pee                                       
In a jar, carefully...                                      
A task Bruce and Sarah shirk.                               
                                                            
11169 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Kurt Hoesly         P0106



Will this work?  We'll just have to wait                    
For the plants to grow back. Till that date                 
We'll let you place bets                                    
If you can cover your debts.                                
Current odds for success: Nine to eight.                    
                                                            
11170 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Kurt Hoesly         P0106



I got up at dawn with the sun;                              
Had lots of yard work to be done.                           
I rolled up my sleeves                                      
And tackled the leaves.                                     
I fought the lawn...and it won!                             
                                                            
11171 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Jumping Jack             



First I got garden pond fever.                              
Now my poor wife's a believer.                              
She's out in the pond                                       
Just trimming a frond.                                      
Think I'll go try to retrieve her.                          
                                                            
11172 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Rusty Smith              



She said, "No, the water's too warm.                        
I must keep my fishies from harm."                          
So in goes the ice.                                         
(A pick-up full...twice!)                                   
Do you think I have cause for alarm?                        
                                                            
11173 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Rusty Smith              



Just want her to come back to bed.                          
She's cleaning the filter instead.                          
I swear that she drools                                     
When thinking of schools                                    
Of fish spawning out by the shed.                           
                                                            
11174 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Rusty Smith              



Soon with this pond stuff she'll smother                    
Her husband, two daughters, her mother.                     
She drives us all crazy                                     
with "Pond is too hazy."                                    
(I think I'll go dig us another.)                           
                                                            
11175 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Rusty Smith              



This disease I think has just spread                        
'Cross the pond and jumped right in my bed.                 
Black gunge on the side                                     
Of my fishtank; my pride                                    
And joy of a fish was near dead.                            
                                                            
11176 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Joyclare                 



So Sunday I spent the whole day                             
Scaping and cleaning away                                   
All the slime and the goo,                                  
The mulch and fish poo.                                     
It made a real stench, I must say!                          
                                                            
11177 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Joyclare                 



My goldfish is fifteen years old.                           
He's seen me through times hot and cold...                  
From student to wife,                                       
Divorce and its strife,                                     
Two kids and their joys to behold.                          
                                                            
11178 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Joyclare                 



A man who lived over in Leeds                               
Had a garden overgrown with weeds.                          
He'd dig and he'd curse                                     
As his garden got worse,                                    
A digger is what he really needs.                           
                                                            
11179 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Funny Bone Collection    



A green-thumbed young laddie named Bo,                      
Was the best in the town with a hoe!                        
When he planted fresh seeds,                                
There were not any weeds.                                   
He'd plucked them; they'd nowhere to grow.                  
                                                            
11180 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a hose named Pete,                           
Who was afraid that he would spring a leak;                 
Watering flowers                                            
And giving cold showers,                                    
He feared that his future was bleak.                        
                                                            
11181 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Katie Hasbrouck          



It was hot in the garden today;                             
I'm dishevelled and in disarray.                            
The weather was not                                         
The sole thing that was hot;                                
I went back to Nature to play.                              
                                                            
11182 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING                            



I played and I wriggled and turned;                         
I found a few things I had learned.                         
In the sun, if I can.                                       
I'd rather a man ,                                          
Or it's not just my fingers get burned.                     
                                                            
11183 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING                            



My wife's sister's brother-in-law                           
Was very upset when he saw                                  
A hump or a bump,                                           
In fact quite a lump,                                       
Had grown in his living-room floor.                         
                                                            
11184 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tiddy                    



Now in his backyard stood a tree,                           
For years very worried was he,                              
That one day he'd find                                      
His house undermined,                                       
By roots.  Had this now come to be?                         
                                                            
11185 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tiddy                    



The landlord he called on the phone;                        
The answer, the usual groan:                                
"Oh no, not again.                                          
We've been out there ten                                    
Times, lopping the thing; still you moan."                  
                                                            
11186 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tiddy                    



But Danny is giving them ructions,                          
And tree surgeons get their instructions.                   
And soon the old oak                                        
Lies shattered and broke,                                   
The victim of chainsaw destruction.                         
                                                            
11187 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tiddy                    



And now this cruel blow has been dealt,                     
The foreman and Danny have knelt;                           
The carpet back folden;                                     
No roots they've beholden,                                  
But old crumpled-up underfelt.                              
                                                            
11188 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tiddy                    



This story, alas, is quite true.                            
So folks, if one day, perhaps you                           
Find lumps 'neath shag pile,                                
Please pause for a while,                                   
Ere calling that saw-wielding crew.                         
                                                            
11189 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tiddy                    



At my neighbor, I take no offense                           
When he lobs his weeds over my fence.                       
He's content to have lost 'em,                              
And I gladly compost 'em.                                   
And that makes good gardening sense.                        
                                                            
11190 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   X. Rowland Burnham  P8512



A vegetable farmer named Hughes                             
Planned systems of sorting to use.                          
The results gave him pause                                  
Till he figured the cause;                                  
Now he's minding his peas in queues.                        
                                                            
11191 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Lims For Year - 01       



There once was a young man named Sean,                      
Who, one day while cutting the lawn;                        
Heard his neighbors all shout,                              
With good reason no doubt,                                  
For he'd started his mowing at dawn.                        
                                                            
11192 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING                            



They delivered it straight to the door;                     
Nearly twenty-five tons of manure.                          
For the seeds I will sow                                    
And the beans I shall grow,                                 
But it's more than the nose can endure.                     
                                                            
11193 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Peter Wilkins            



There once was a gardener named Slade                       
Who turned up the dirt with a spade.                        
After much toil,                                            
He planted the soil.                                        
Behold!  What a garden he made!                             
                                                            
11194 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



There was an old lady of Leeds                              
Who planted an assortment of seeds.                         
The birds picked up most,                                   
But still she can boast                                     
Of a rose and a garden of weeds.                            
                                                            
11195 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Limerick John            



My dear sweet gardener, Amelia,                             
You've been out there planting Lobelia.                     
Please won't you come in,                                   
Though I know it's a sin.                                   
Girl, I am just aching to feel ya.                          
                                                            
11196 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Tony Burrell             



My garden does burgeon quite nice,                          
Full of color and even some spice!                          
Rosemary and thyme                                          
Go well with my rhyme;                                      
I'll plant them with gardener's advice.                     
                                                            
11197 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Maggie                   



A plainsman in Maine was heard sayin',                      
"It may be insane to complain                               
But this bane I am sprayin'                                 
Like rain on the grain,                                     
Is plainly decayin' my brain."                              
                                                            
11198 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   John Dole           P9705



The tropical gardens, I'm sure                              
Are something we all can adore.                             
Their beauty stupendous;                                    
Wild nature tremendous;                                     
I hope they decide to build more.                           
                                                            
11199 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Graham Lester            



A very young farmer named Rand,                             
Bought a tractor one day, second hand.                      
He started to curse                                         
When it hung in reverse,                                    
And unplowed an acre of land.                               
                                                            
11200 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Jim C Carpenter          



My lawn is exceedingly well mown,                           
All thanks to sweet Debbie Malone,                          
Whose dear little twat                                      
Has oft been the spot                                       
Where the seed of my loins has been sown.                   
                                                            
11201 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - GARDENING   Peter Wilkins            



I wish that my room had a floor.                            
I don't care very much for the door.                        
But this walking around                                     
Without touching the ground                                 
Is getting to be such a bore.                               
                                                            
11202 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Gelett Burgess           



An illusionist, having a flair,                             
Made headlines with quite an affair:                        
As part of his show,                                        
Rigged an airplane to go,                                   
And it all disappeared in Finnair!                          
                                                            
11203 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0111



There was an old man who said, "Well,                       
Will nobody answer the bell?                                
I have rung day and night                                   
Till my hair has turned white,                              
And now I must go up to Hell!"                              
                                                            
11204 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC                                



Of his assistant, he is right fond;                         
He levitates her with his wand.                             
He made a small gaffe --                                    
He's sawed her in half.                                     
How did you know she was blonde?                            
                                                            
11205 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC                                



A novel magician did tricks                                 
With anything made out of bricks.                           
Thirty buildings I hear                                     
He made disappear.                                          
Now he's in a terrible fix.                                 
                                                            
11206 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Jim Weaver Collection    



My grandmother's sitting in jail                            
For sending some porn through the mail.                     
She wrote to her friends                                    
On the dividends                                            
Of activities beyond the pale.                              
                                                            
11207 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Lynn Mostafa        P2006



'Tis said that the folks "in the know"                      
Can change and fly off as a crow.                           
But first they must make                                    
Of the river, a snake.                                      
'Fraid they ain't got their ducks in a row.                 
                                                            
11208 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC                                



My Aunt found a magical basket.                             
"Your wishes I'll grant.  It's my task," it                 
Said. "All of them?" -- Aunt                                
"Why yes but I shant,                                       
If you put all your begs in one ask-it!"                    
                                                            
11209 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



Now ladies and Gentlemen, please;                           
My assistant, the lovely Louise                             
With her figure curvaceous,                                 
Will make an audacious                                      
Descent from the flying trapeze.                            
                                                            
11210 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



While still in mid-aiar, she will leap                      
Twenty meters and spash in this steep-                      
Sided tank full of vicious                                  
Piranha-type fishes,                                        
And man-eating sharks from the deep.                        
                                                            
11211 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



And then to the rescue I'll go;                             
It will make a spectacular show.                            
But before we begin it,                                     
Pray silence a minute,                                      
For Thursday's assistant, dear Flo.                         
                                                            
11212 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



A blind fortune-teller named Brace,                         
Took spotty young boys to her place.                        
An expert in Braille,                                       
She never would fail                                        
Their future to tell in their face.                         
                                                            
11213 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a fellow named Hank                          
Who was blondish and looked kind of swank.                  
He had a war bow                                            
When it started to glow,                                    
It could take out an M-1 tank.                              
                                                            
11214 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Dan S                    



There once was a wizard named Ooze,                         
Whose spectacular tricks came from booze.                   
But the following day                                       
He was carried away                                         
Wearing antlers, like those of a moose.                     
                                                            
11215 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Carl Ludvig         P0203



In winter, while tending his herd,                          
He froze and his syllables slurred;                         
After saying a prayer,                                      
He slept like a bear,                                       
And when he awoke, he was furred.                           
                                                            
11216 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       William K. Alsop    P9211



There is a magician of Kew                                  
Who claims he can cut a canoe,                              
Into four halves alike,                                     
But his lies I dislike,                                     
For three halves is the best he can do.                     
                                                            
11217 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Albin Chaplin   3024-2641



The prominent Nose-surgeon Beller,                          
Whose treatment became a best-seller,                       
With septum undeviated                                      
All doubts are alleviated                                   
That kinesis can straighten one's smeller.                  
                                                            
11218 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Paul Niquette            



Will someone in Science please tackle                       
How snap-shots by Kirlian shackle                           
An electrified finger                                       
To auaras which linger?                                     
If not you, then maybe Kodak'll.                            
                                                            
11219 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Paul Niquette            



There is a young girl from Darjeeling                       
Who walks upside down on the ceiling;                       
The view from below                                         
Is quite something, but oh ..                               
From above it looks mighty appealing.                       
                                                            
11220 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC                                



A television psychic named Rand                             
Re-taped shows that had been canned.                        
These prediction she boasted                                
Were really past-posted,                                    
Which gave her a big helping hand.                          
                                                            
11221 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Paul Niquette            



The cavalier to get home had to bide;                       
Still the comments he made was so snide;                    
With a magic shield,                                        
Which he liked to wield,                                    
In saving his very rich hide.                               
                                                            
11222 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Dan S                    



A story to you I will tell,                                 
Concerning a magical well,                                  
With properties strange                                     
Which could well rearrange                                  
Your life, if in it you fell.                               
                                                            
11223 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



If you would be master for life,                            
Escaped being nagged by your wife,                          
Then hark unto me,                                          
And soon you will see,                                      
How you can stop marital strife.                            
                                                            
11224 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



Its efficacy, lads, I can vouch;                            
And all you need do is to crouch                            
Upon the well's lip,                                        
Then in your hands dip,                                     
And clasp them in form of a pouch.                          
                                                            
11225 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



Then drink from that pouch, for the well                    
On one of a pair'll cast a spell.                           
The one whose the first                                     
To there quench his thirst,                                 
Will rule over the house where they dwell.                  
                                                            
11226 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



Yes folks, I can hear you all ask,                          
Did I carry out this wee task?                              
Do I rule the roost                                         
And stay unabused,                                          
As I here in luxury bask?                                   
                                                            
11227 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



I'll tell you: the old vicar said:                          
"With this cheap old ring I thee wed."                      
Before he said more,                                        
I ran out the door,                                         
And off to the magic well, fled.                            
                                                            
11228 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



But Erm, she was smarter than me.                           
She giggled on watching me flee.                            
Then slipped her hand down                                  
In the folds of her gown,                                   
And drank from the bottle with glee.                        
                                                            
11229 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



Therein lies the well's double cross,                       
Whereupon man is nailed for a loss.                         
Never let a man think                                       
He was first to drink,                                      
When woman drunk first and is boss.                         
                                                            
11230 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Travis Brasell           



There was a magician named Carr,                            
Who used to be billed as a star.                            
His future looked sweet                                     
Till he walked down the street,                             
And--Presto!--turned into a bar.                            
                                                            
11231 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       John Ciardi              



A trainee magician named Mick                               
Made a frightful mistake with a trick,                      
When he turned a small boy,                                 
His mum's pride and joy,                                    
Irreversibly into a brick.                                  
                                                            
11232 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Michael Palin            



My name it is Aleister Crowley,                             
I'm a master of Magick unholy,                              
Of philtres and pentacles,                                  
Covens, conventicles;                                       
Of basil, nepenthe, and moly.                               
(moly - mythical magical herb)                              
11233 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Aleister Crowley         



Finale -- Magician McGoo                                    
Was sawing a woman in two --                                
In quarters -- in eighths --                                
Except in those States                                      
Where more than enough was taboo.                           
                                                            
11234 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Irving Superior     P8503



Cybe, please wave your wizardly wand;                       
Get all the leaves from my pond,                            
Make my boss a toad,                                        
Put my truck on the road,                                   
And make me a natural blonde.                               
                                                            
11235 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Carol                    



As for waving that of which you're fond,                    
At the proof you're a natural blonde,                       
I'm delighted to say,                                       
I'd be happy to lay                                         
Boss Toad's tiny tad 'less you're Jonned.                   
                                                            
11236 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Cyber Wizard             



I hope I'll fulfill all your wishes                         
And my mystical art accomplishes                            
Your every task.                                            
At least you don't ask                                      
Me to mulltiply loaves by some fishes.                      
                                                            
11237 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Cyber Wizard             



There was an old man with a beard,                          
Who sat on a horse when it reared.                          
But he hadn't sat long,                                     
When the saddle went wrong,                                 
And along with the man, disappeared!                        
                                                            
11238 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Creatures Facetious P0312



On unsolved mysteries, there are                            
The tick-tick-tick in my car;                               
Inventor of the tale:                                       
"The check's in the mail",                                  
And when will I eighteen in par?                            
                                                            
11239 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Irving Superior     P9102



There is a magician named Blaine                            
Who stood on a plinth in the rain;                          
His tricks were real clever,                                
But baby you'll never                                       
Convince me he isn't insane.                                
                                                            
11240 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Alexander Baron          



Life is full of joy and of sorrow;                          
Our time we don't own but just boarrow.                     
So don't waste your time;                                   
To do so is a crime;                                        
Here today, penta gone tomorrow.                            
                                                            
11241 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Phil T                   



Green garter snake slithering in the grass,                 
Where crickets, leprechauns and fairies pass.               
Tadpoles wriggle in the pond.                               
Magic lies somewhere beyond,                                
Though grown-up vision be weak and crass.                   
                                                            
11242 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Lynn Mostafa             



But in the stillness I can still see                        
Those fantasy creatures running free.                       
So let time fly.                                            
My dreams don't die;                                        
The friendly genie still talks to me.                       
                                                            
11243 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Lynn Mostafa             



The world was resplendent and green,                        
The valleys were still and serene,                          
The folks wouldn't kill,                                    
And hatred was nil,                                         
And battles and wars never seen.                            
                                                            
11244 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Cap'n Bean          P0205



Take one baby rabbit; one hat.                              
Pop the bunny in hat; just like that!                       
Wave my wand!  Now it's gone!                               
Don't believe it?  Come on!                                 
Then just watch as I jump on the...SPLAT!                   
                                                            
11245 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



I know a magician named Pat;                                
Pulled Rabbits galore from a hat,                           
Then replaced on his head.                                  
I won't say what he said                                    
When he found that the critters had shat.                   
                                                            
11246 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tiddy Ogg                



There was a magician named Randi,                           
Who said, "Uri Geller's a dandy.                            
He can always bend                                          
Spoons and forks, but my friend,                            
Only when a magician's not handy.                           
                                                            
11247 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Alexander Baron          



There was a young man from Peru                             
Who wanted to live in a shoe.                               
A size six was too small                                    
So he walked down the mall                                  
And found a size twelve with a view.                        
                                                            
11248 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Andy Classen             



I'm traveling into the past;                                
A short shallow trip that won't last.                       
A Renaissance Faire                                         
With fanatasy aire;                                         
I've been then before.  It's a blast!                       
                                                            
11249 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Karen                    



A lady desirous of fame                                     
A magician's assistant became.                              
He remarked with a laugh                                    
As he sawed her in half,                                    
"You can see I am new to this game."                        
                                                            
11250 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Albin Chaplin   3024-2564



A famous magician of yore                                   
Engaged a young girl for a chore.                           
She said, "I can work steady;                               
You can saw when you're ready."                             
He said, "Haven't I sawed you before?"                      
                                                            
11251 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Albin Chaplin   3024-2847



Oh there once was a lady from Brent                         
Who could fly with her arms sharply bent.                   
Up above us she soared                                      
(But did nothing untoward)                                  
And fell back with her energy spent.                        
                                                            
11252 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Caf                 P9911



Mr. Anthony Brown, it is said,                              
Used to constantly stand on his head.                       
As a consequence, Brown,                                    
When he tries to sit down,                                  
Sits up on the ceiling instead.                             
                                                            
11253 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Laurence Perrine    P8807



I put in the washing machine                                
Seven pairs of old socks to get clean,                      
Making fourteen all told;                                   
But when ready to fold,                                     
I found there were only thirteen.                           
                                                            
11254 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



It happens each Sunday, I fear.                             
Tell me where do they all disappear.                        
They must be in space;                                      
A particular place                                          
Full of socks that have vanished from here.                 
                                                            
11255 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



A negligent person named Greer                              
Had a lovely dog-grooming career...                         
With spot remover                                           
Tried a maneuver,                                           
And made the dog clean disappear!                           
(apologize to Steven Wright)                                
11256 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Observer                 



There's a planet in the Milky Way,                          
Where all the lost pens go and stay.                        
When I want to write,                                       
There's not one in sight.                                   
Who is it that takes them away?                             
                                                            
11257 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Tony Burrell             



I bought a new Hoover today;                                
Plugged it in in the usual way.                             
Switched it on; what a din!                                 
It sucked everything in!                                    
Now I'm homeless and no place to stay.                      
                                                            
11258 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Peter Wilkins            



Too crowed in a cluster of nine,                            
The grape bravely jumped from the vine.                     
"That didn't much hurt,"                                    
It said with a squirt,                                      
And then let out a small wine.                              
                                                            
11259 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Ron Sartain              



Someone broke levitation's lid-lock                         
Causing teleportation grid-lock;                            
Or else it was due to                                       
A transcendent guru                                         
With perpetual pro quo quid-lock.                           
                                                            
11260 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Paul Niquette            



A magician who lived in Madras,                             
Ingenious new tricks did amass.                             
As he tried a new twist,                                    
He slipped on his wrist,                                    
And vanished right up his own ass.                          
                                                            
11261 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Albin Chaplin   3024-2179



So who the hell's K-k-k-katie?                              
Some trollop you met down in Haiti?                         
She must have used voodoo                                   
To get hold of you. Do                                      
You know that she's aged over eighty?                       
                                                            
11262 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC                                



'Round the castle he walks widdershins.                     
Then he runs to confess all his sins.                       
He comes back; walks clockwise                              
Once around, then espies                                    
His true love, whose affection he wins.                     
                                                            
11263 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Hilde na Beag            



Is it Friday the thirteenth today?                          
How silly! What nonsense, I say!                            
(Last time I went broke,                                    
My dad had a stroke,                                        
And my wife and my dog ran away.)                           
                                                            
11264 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       John Miller 0003         



But fear not now, I'm only joking;                          
The Wiz will do all of the poking.                          
You'll be levitated                                         
And part masticated,                                        
As soon as he stops from his toking.                        
                                                            
11265 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC                                



There once was a farmer named Gary,                         
Whose mule was getting contrary.                            
Gary painted him red,                                       
A green hat on his head,                                    
And sold him as a big Christmas fairy.                      
                                                            
11266 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAGIC       Anon                     



This indian was rendered heap saddum,                       
Because we have harnessed the atom.                         
"To avoid being dead,"                                      
He despondently said,                                       
"We'll build teepees stronger and pad 'em.                  
                                                            
11267 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Al Willis           T9711



Since summer of '73,                                        
I've been laying a patio.  Me!!                             
But its full of large humps                                 
And irregular bumps,                                        
For I can't get it level, you see.                          
                                                            
11268 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Peter Wilkins            



A fair damsel who lived on the Nile,                        
Was refreshingly sweet amd nubile.                          
She constructed a dam                                       
From old tins of SPAM,                                      
Which kept boys away for a while.                           
                                                            
11269 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Mike O'Conner            



That thrifty housewife, Ms Maguire's                        
Getting all the free fuel she desires.                      
Every day comes the mail;                                   
Christmas ads without fail.                                 
She keeps warm by those catalog fires.                      
                                                            
11270 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Lynn Mostafa             



If your house is going down hill,                           
And you can't afford just one more bill,                    
I'll send you a rock                                        
To use as a chock --                                        
Just wedge it beneath the front wheel.                      
                                                            
11271 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Travis                   



My housekeeping skills don't exist.                         
To clean is not hard to resist.                             
Don't scrub -- it's a bore.                                 
It's all such a chore.                                      
The dirt and I just coexist.                                
                                                            
11272 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Marlene Lewis            



I need a front door for my hall;                            
The replacement I bought was too tall.                      
So I hacked it and chopped it                               
And carefully lopped it;                                    
And now the damn thing is too small.                        
                                                            
11273 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Peter Wilkins            



There was an old man from Hatchs End;                       
Old watches and clocks he will mend.                        
He paints them bright red,                                  
And he takes them to bed.                                   
It's driving his wife 'round the bend.                      
                                                            
11274 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Bill Wall                



Don't you know that you cannot escape                       
The Americanistic duct tape.                                
Where ever we go,                                           
We bring a big roll;                                        
I find that it helps us relate.                             
                                                            
11275 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT                                



If a duck you are wanting to screw,                         
Duct tape will facilitate you.                              
Wrap up the feet                                            
All nice and neat;                                          
It will bite you, so wrap the bill too!                     
                                                            
11276 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT                                



I tried to put up a new shelf,                              
But it kept falling down by itself.                         
I don't feel the shame;                                     
I will not take the blame;                                  
It's the fault of the do-it-your elf.                       
                                                            
11277 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Peter Wilkins            



Neighbor's nailing his roof, using tacks.                   
Told him he's wrong and screwed up on the facts.            
Well his defense                                            
Didn't make any sense,                                      
'Cause my bees do not know how to wax.                      
                                                            
11278 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Ron Sartain              



She broke it, my lovely young dotta,                        
A statue in brown terra cotta.                              
Since you've fixed a few,                                   
I'll pay for the glue.                                      
But if you can't fix it, don't botta.                       
                                                            
11279 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Al Willis          TP9806



Since you're such a clever old guy,                         
If silver won't work you might try                          
A color like fuc-                                           
Hia, but you'll need luck                                   
To make it appeal to the eye.                               
                                                            
11280 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT                                



I'm having my bathroom redone;                              
Truth is, I'm getting a new one.                            
They'll tear it all out                                     
And I have no doubt                                         
That going without won't be fun.                            
                                                            
11281 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Marlene Lewis            



My house is my own once again!                              
I can lie in my bed until ten.                              
I can rise with a yawn                                      
And then with nothing on,                                   
Saunter in to my kitchen or den.                            
                                                            
11282 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Jeanie                   



No more laundry for nine must I do,                         
And the work at mealtime is out, too.                       
I'm a lady of leisure                                       
Looking forward with pleasure;                              
Let a life filled with peace now ensue.                     
                                                            
11283 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Jeanie                   



My evenings are free to commence                            
Relaxing and lolling, now since                             
The ducklings are gone.                                     
We can now carry on                                         
Our love couplings with no need to wince.                   
                                                            
11284 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Jeanie                   



Our two teens who are left are so used                      
To our habits, they're seldom bemused.                      
So if sometimes, mayhap,                                    
Mom and Dad take a "nap",                                   
They don't notice.  To the TV they're glued.                
                                                            
11285 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Jeanie                   



I've got my two youngest well trained,                      
But with grandchildren here, chaos reigned.                 
I guess I should feel sad,                                  
But nah...I feel glad.                                      
It's been nearly four months we've restrained.              
                                                            
11286 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Jeanie                   



My laundry room has it's own chute                          
And the parlour's consider a beaut.                         
The modernized kitchen                                      
I'd say is real bitchin'                                    
And the bathroom is cuter than cute!                        
                                                            
11287 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT                                



I once knew a hermit called Esau                            
Who built his whole house on a seesaw.                      
If guests wouldn't leave,                                   
He could make his house heave.                              
So soon I a hermit at peace saw.                            
                                                            
11288 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Peter Wilkins            



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
I've just climbed up the clock.                             
And now on the dial                                         
Are two eyes and a smile                                    
That'll give Granny a shock.                                
                                                            
11289 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Funfax Limericks         



A crazy seamstress went on a binge,                         
Drinking gin from a dirty syringe.                          
She took cotton batting,                                    
Then knitting and tatting,                                  
Trimmed her house with a lunatic fringe.                    
                                                            
11290 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Thomas Patton       P0306



I'm just not clean; I'm a mess.                             
Where's my floor?  That's anyone's guess.                   
I issue a shovel                                            
When you're at my hovel.                                    
To put things away causes stress.                           
                                                            
11291 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Marlene Lewis            



Been absent without any leave;                              
I don't care what you all believe.                          
I've been in a muddle                                       
Caused by a long cuddle,                                    
With this sexy guy name of Steve.                           
                                                            
11292 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Marlene Lewis            



I wish this was true, but it ain't.                         
Although I have not been a saint,                           
The truth is the pits;                                      
I'm sorry that its                                          
Been me and a bucket of paint.                              
                                                            
11293 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Marlene Lewis            



I heard that you'd been to Nantucket                        
To buy some cosmetics; with luck it                         
Was not from Miss Grace,                                    
Who makes up her face                                       
With gallons of paint from a bucket.                        
                                                            
11294 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Tiddy Ogg                



I played paper-wad basketball,                              
But I could not get my shots to fall.                       
The room is a sight,                                        
But that is alright --                                      
The maid cleans it up, after all.                           
                                                            
11295 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Marlene Lewis            



It was in the optimist's vein                               
That he patched up the windmill's old vane.                 
He was not the least blue,                                  
Though the next gale that blew,                             
Would show that he'd labored in vain.                       
                                                            
11296 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       A. N. Wilkins       P9112



Last week, I and my hard-working spouse,                    
Started painting (not staining) the house.                  
Since her legs are stronger,                                
I made her work longer,                                     
While I sat and watched Mickey Mouse.                       
                                                            
11297 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT                                



There was an old miser named Clarence,                      
Who Simonized both of his parents.                          
"The initial expense,"                                      
He remarked, "Is immense,                                   
But I'll save it in wearence and tearence."                 
                                                            
11298 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT       Ogden Nash               



I must get my shower fixed. Today                           
I got in; turned it on; and the spray                       
Was as cold as the sleet,                                   
So I turned up the heat                                     
But it near boiled by bollocks away.                        
                                                            
11299 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT                                



The tiniest turn to the right                               
And it sprays me with all of its might;                     
To the left, just a bit,                                    
It does nothing but spit;                                   
So a shower takes me most of the night.                     
                                                            
11300 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MAINT                                



There was a young lady from Rye,                            
Who was sporting a lovely black eye.                        
I asked, "Was it a boy?"                                    
She just looked very coy,                                   
And simpered and answered, "Don't pry!"                     
                                                            
11301 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Arthur Pattaffy          



I've got all this really old crap 'n'                       
I thought I'd drop it in your lap 'n'                       
Thought that I could                                        
Make it come out good,                                      
But don't think that that's gonna happen.                   
                                                            
11302 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY                                



An astute gal named Eleanor Mackay                          
Observed, "Isn't society wacky?                             
For brass trimmings, I'm told,                              
Are much cheaper than gold,                                 
But they don't look nearly as tacky."                       
                                                            
11303 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Graham Lester            



While his mother dyed clothes, young McClung,               
In a tantrum the dye bottle flung.                          
And the room was a mess.                                    
Said his ma, "I confess                                     
I have heard that the good ones dye young."                 
                                                            
11304 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Albin Chaplin   3024-2697



Here's little Jim Nast of Pawtucket                         
Who slid down the stairs in a bucket.                       
He has more understanding                                   
Since reaching the landing;                                 
Just look at the hole where he struck it.                   
                                                            
11305 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Hugh Lofting             



I'm spending more time in my car.                           
Commuting to work -- it's too far.                          
Remodeling the house,                                       
I've just got to grouse.                                    
Two more months delay -- about par.                         
                                                            
11306 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Bonnie Lewis             



There was a young person in pink,                           
Who upset a container of ink.                               
He got ink on the floor,                                    
And the table and door,                                     
And the cupboard, the chairs, and the sink.                 
                                                            
11307 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Mark Wainwright          



To juggle I want to be able,                                
Like a clown in a circus of fable.                          
The balls fly up fairly,                                    
Land near my hands barely,                                  
But mostly fall under the table.                            
                                                            
11308 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY                                



There once was a young man from Pally                       
Who could shear to a very high tally.                       
His arms grew so strong,                                    
That before very long,                                      
He could lift up a bull from "The Mallee."                  
                                                            
11309 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Ted Fry                  



A poor British fellow, named Twiggs                         
Always slept with a family of pigs.                         
When he was asked why                                       
He lived in a sty,                                          
Said, "It's not a sty, it's me digs."                       
                                                            
11310 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Tom Patton               



There was a young man of Scamander,                         
Who had his bed on the veranda,                             
But he got little sleep                                     
On account of three sheep,                                  
Four turkeys, eight ducks, and a gander.                    
                                                            
11311 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       John Blyth               



The housekeeping female goes pale;                          
At dust on a flat surface quail.                            
And when I write notes,                                     
Disturbing the motes,                                       
This desk I won't wipe, 'cause I'm male!                    
                                                            
11312 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY                                



There once was a tomboy named Gertie,                       
Who was always incredibly dirty.                            
Said her mother one day,                                    
You may go out and play,                                    
But you can't come back in 'til you're thirty!              
                                                            
11313 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Virginia Arnold     P9202



Siobhan tries to trick any Mick in,                         
With hints of him sticking his dick in;                     
He don't get a fucking,                                     
He's put to work plucking,                                  
And spends the day pickin' a chicken.                       
                                                            
11314 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY                                



Poor Jenny, engaged in ablution;                            
Her tapwater was a solution                                 
Of industrial grime                                         
And microbial slime,                                        
And two hundred new types of pollution.                     
                                                            
11315 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Nick D Kim               



On a lawn in a cool summer breeze                           
Was a sale of unparalleled sleeze.                          
When he saw all the scratching,                             
He surmised what was hatching                               
Was a flea market peddling real fleas                       
                                                            
11316 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



"Men!" said the good Captian Pellew,                        
"After six months at sea, I must tell you,                  
Do keep in the lee,                                         
If you must approach me,                                    
For 'tis better to see you than smell you!"                 
                                                            
11317 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Juliet                   



Sex is its own sweet reward.                                
With it, you'll never be bored.                             
Alone, or with others                                       
Even fathers and mothers                                    
Get off on that old ripcord.                                
                                                            
11318 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY                                



There once was a young lady called Nellie,                  
Who dropped some ice cream on her belly.                    
It being just a trifle,                                     
Her screams she did stifle,                                 
But both her legs turned to jelly.                          
                                                            
11319 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Funfax Limericks         



When oil on rough water is poured,                          
A measure of calm is restored.                              
If by man oil is spilt,                                     
We establish his guilt,                                     
Since this action by all is deplored.                       
                                                            
11320 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Albin Chaplin   3024-2752



The incident at the gazebo                                  
Has left my hair brimming with Play-Doh,                    
My ears full of honey,                                      
My eyes feeling funny;                                      
I feel I've been through a tornado.                         
                                                            
11321 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY       Paul Hoffman             



You carry a torch just for me?                              
My goodness, does that mean you'll be                       
My bright guiding light                                     
On this dark, cold night?                                   
Well, turn the thing on -- I can't see!!                    
                                                            
11322 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - MESSY                                



What old widow Agnes crocheted                              
Was put on a shelf and displayed,                           
So beginners could view,                                    
And the knit-pickers too,                                   
What wonders with needles are made.                         
                                                            
11323 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-2529



There was a six-footer named Earl,                          
Who's a whizz at the plain and the purl.                    
He could make needles fly,                                  
Which was strange for a guy,                                
But his wife is a home loving girl!                         
                                                            
11324 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Arthur Pattaffy          



A girl makes, like Japanese experts,                        
Thick seafood based clothes till her head hurts.            
When asked how the sewing                                   
Of raw fish was going,                                      
She said she sells shrimp sushi sweatshirts.                
                                                            
11325 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Jim Weaver Collection    



My sewing group's very close-knit.                          
They accept me though I'm a misfit.                         
We embroider all day,                                       
While the puns I do say.                                    
People think I'm a fool -- a knit-wit.                      
                                                            
11326 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Kirk Miller              



I really need three hands to knit;                          
That means I must use my armpit.                            
One needle clamped there,                                   
I rock in my chair.                                         
When my armpit get sore then I quit.                        
                                                            
11327 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Marlene Lewis            



On a chair near a window I'm sitting;                       
Outside there is rain unremitting.                          
I'm picking my nose;                                        
Idly scratching my hose;                                    
Thinking, oddly enough, about knitting.                     
                                                            
11328 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Peter Wilkins            



My hands need a new occupation,                             
But knitting requires concentration.                        
I know that I'd purl                                        
One then drop one and hurl                                  
The whole mess to the floor in frustration.                 
                                                            
11329 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Peter Wilkins            



You ladies who know how to knit;                            
Don't you care 'bout the noise you emit                     
From the needles your packing?                              
I can't stand the clacking                                  
The sound gets to me as I sit.                              
                                                            
11330 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Peter Wilkins            



So all things considered I'll not                           
Take up knitting; I'll stay in this spot,                   
And I'll switch on the sports                               
Channel, empty my thoughts,                                 
Have a yawn, scratch my balls, smoke some pot.              
                                                            
11331 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Peter Wilkins            



Macrame is a fun thing to do,                               
With those bits of old lace from my shoe;                   
Yes, I'd like it, and lots,                                 
If it wern't for those knots,                               
Which are turning my fingers quite blue.                    
                                                            
11332 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Peter Wilkins            



I think origami instead,                                    
Might be better than knitting this thread.                  
But I can find no paper                                     
To fold for this caper;                                     
Not even the tiniest shred.                                 
                                                            
11333 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Peter Wilkins            



My fingers need something to do                             
And I'd ask for suggestions from you.                       
But I doubt they'd be clean ones;                           
More likely obscene ones...                                 
No wait, I'll go telephone Sue.                             
                                                            
11334 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Peter Wilkins            



Not intentionally, as a rule,                               
Handicrafters' aggression I fuel,                           
When I say as a pun                                         
In the spirit of fun,                                       
"Your embroidery style is most crewel."                     
                                                            
11335 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Loren C Fitzhugh         



There was a young maiden of Chard,                          
Who knitted lambs' wool by the yard.                        
When she kept dropping stiches,                             
She said, "Bah! these breeches                              
Will have gaps in unless I try hard."                       
                                                            
11336 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Cyril Bibby         P9307



There was an old seamstress named Fran                      
Who screamed as her sewing began.                           
She was pricked by the bobbin                               
And she said, 'midst her sobbin',                           
"I would rather be pricked by a man!"                       
                                                            
11337 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-2064



Been running with scissors today,                           
And I ain't been nice when I play                           
With those other guys.                                      
But, take my advice --                                      
Be careful when you get risque.                             
                                                            
11338 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING                               



There was a poor seamstress so meek,                        
That oratorical skills she did seek.                        
But the tuiton fee                                          
Was as high as could be.                                    
He had to keep working, sew to speak.                       
                                                            
11339 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Carole J. Heffley        



There's a fabric spelled A-I-D-A,                           
That none of us know how to say.                            
So we asked our sales clerk,                                
'Bout this verbal quirk,                                    
She said, "Buy linen, throw that shit away!"                
                                                            
11340 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Jim Weaver Collection    



I went to a meeting for AA,                                 
To stand up and ask them to say                             
If there's any hope,                                        
For my kind of dope,                                        
Who wants to stitch both night and day?                     
                                                            
11341 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      P Carrol                 



There was a young lady from Rochester.                      
Who left school for just a semester,                        
She stiched all day,                                        
And she liked it that way,                                  
Away from the course work that stressed her.                
                                                            
11342 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      K Werpetinski            



There once was a stitcher with chills,                      
Who thought needlework cured her ills.                      
Her shakes made it crooked,                                 
And viewers mistook it                                      
For work by one stewed to the gills.                        
                                                            
11343 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING                               



There was a young lady in school,                           
Who did cross-stitch, embroidery, and crewel.               
Knit and crochet                                            
Could fill up a day,                                        
But none will be finished by Yule.                          
                                                            
11344 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING                               



There once was a cowboy named Hoss,                         
Who had quite a penchant for floss.                         
Other cowboys would snigger,                                
As his projects grew bigger.                                
It's a good thing that Hoss was the boss.                   
                                                            
11345 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING                               



There once was a stitcher from Ott,                         
Who always was deeply in thought.                           
His needles and thread                                      
Were all in his head;                                       
He did it all perfectly -- NOT!                             
                                                            
11346 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING                               



There was a preteen out in Troy;                            
Needle-work was what brought her joy.                       
'Til she reached that age,                                  
When the hormones rage,                                     
Now her hobby is chasing a boy.                             
                                                            
11347 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      K Werpetinski            



There once was a tailor named Fred,                         
Who always got knots in his thread.                         
Said the frustrated tailor,                                 
"I should be a sailor...                                    
The knots they tie get them ahead."                         
                                                            
11348 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Frances Huisman          



There once was a stitcher named Ross                        
Who loved fibers and fabrics and floss.                     
They filled up his house,                                   
Left no room for his spouse,                                
Which made his wife cranky and cross.                       
                                                            
11349 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - SEWING      Kathleen M. Dyer         



You standing in front of the class,                         
Telling of the time you made an ass                         
Of yourself for all,                                        
When you find you stall,                                    
Cause you're doing it once more, alas.                      
                                                            
11350 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



There was a young lady named Krista;                        
She lived in the great town of Vista.                       
Spent a day at the beach,                                   
Where she looked like a peach,                              
But now whe is one great big blistah.                       
                                                            
11351 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Helen M. Puckett    P9208



For our leader, an old engineer,                            
A lever installed in his ear.                               
Its purpose was plain --                                    
For engaging the brain                                      
Before putting the mouth into gear.                         
                                                            
11352 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Albin Chaplin   3024-2559



A hard working forester named Howe                          
Impressed his boss who said, "Take a bow."                  
He would rake every twig                                    
Be it small or be big;                                      
He's the new branch manager now.                            
                                                            
11353 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Tom Patton          P0301



If I had a girl named Delores                               
Conchita Breganza De Flores,                                
Juanita De Paco,                                            
Jesus Con Taco,                                             
I might take to calling her Boris!                          
                                                            
11354 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Jim Weaver Collection    



I can't think of a thing which I've done                    
To make everyone under the sun                              
Think they have permission                                  
And deem it their mission                                   
To annoy me by calling me "Hon."                            
                                                            
11355 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



For a carousel ride went dumb Lizzy,                        
And its speed sent her into a tizzy.                        
The centrifugal force                                       
Hurled poor Liz from her horse                              
And into a ditch that was busy.                             
                                                            
11356 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Bob Giandomenico         



Let me help with that heavy load,                           
Down this narrow and rocky road.                            
I'm just an old hag,                                        
But I brought a bag,                                        
In case your ego doth explode.                              
                                                            
11357 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



It's thanks to the work that I'm doing                      
I've barely a second for viewing                            
Your limerick verses,                                       
And worse is (oh curses),                                   
I can't even think about screwing.                          
                                                            
11358 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



No matter, it's hardly a crime;                             
Unlike this here nonsensical rhyme,                         
Which I've plucked from my brain,                           
Lest it drive me insane,                                    
About up-coming form-filling time.                          
                                                            
11359 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



Each year which ends something-and-one                      
There's a census which has to be done;                      
There's a form to be filled                                 
(It's the law) and I'm thrilled,                            
For this year I intend to have fun.                         
                                                            
11360 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



Your age?  Well, it's near twenty-two.                      
Your abode?  Between Colchester Zoo                         
And the hospital quarters                                   
For nurses.  (We thought as                                 
Much.)  Sex?  I don't mind if I do.                         
                                                            
11361 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



Religion?  Not likely old son,                              
'Less you mean do I screw the odd nun.                      
Well OK then, your birth                                    
Place?  A long way from Perth.                              
Is that it?  No, we've hardly begun.                        
                                                            
11362 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



So how many rooms in your gaff?                             
84 and 13 for the staff.                                    
Are you sure?  Yes I'm sure;                                
I have bedrooms galore.                                     
Do you keep any pets?  A giraffe.                           
                                                            
11363 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



Some personal details;  your chest                          
Size?  Er...1 metre 10 without vest.                        
Are you handsome?  Of course.                               
Are you hung like a horse?                                  
No.  A mouse?  No.  A donkey?  You guessed.                 
                                                            
11364 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



Well, thank you. Now please will you sign.                  
No.  This census is law;  There's a fine                    
For refusing.  Now please.                                  
No.  We'll knee-cap your knees.                             
Well OK, then.  On this - - - - - - - - - - ?               
(dotted line)                                               
11365 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



You're right, that's one helluva blunder;                   
That kind of a slip makes me wonder                         
If I wouldn't do better                                     
To stick to a letter,                                       
As slowly my brain falls asunder.                           
                                                            
11366 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



He was rated rather obtuse                                  
With little of savvy or clues,                              
Till he traded a block                                      
Of his Petro-Can stock                                      
For a 'Fun in Siberia' cruise.                              
                                                            
11367 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      VOL 6                    



There once was a fellow called West                         
Who found it quite hard to get dressed.                     
He used to quite dread                                      
Putting socks on his head                                   
And getting both legs through his vest.                     
                                                            
11368 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Michael Palin            



A typist who hailed from Duluth                             
Was canned for her language uncouth.                        
But she called her boss Clyde,                              
A cocksucker who lied,                                      
For the shit that he told was untruth.                      
                                                            
11369 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Albin Chaplin   3024-2029



In the rain I once saw a man                                
Strolling with umbrella in hand.                            
I said "It's insane                                         
To walk in the rain."                                       
He said, "Well then I'll just stand."                       
                                                            
11370 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Ryan Michelle            



You must concentrate to get it done                         
Persevere after start with step one                         
There'll be no peace of mind                                
Till it's finished, you'll find                             
Your skill increases as your race is won.                   
                                                            
11371 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Esther Koch         P0201



A most famous psychic called Pye                            
Went to visit a colleague close by.                         
He said with a smile                                        
"Come stay here a while.                                    
You're very well -- How am I?"                              
                                                            
11372 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Stacy Bennman            



If you sign your full name with an 'X',                     
It makes no difference as to your sex.                      
If you can't write your name,                               
Don't feel full of shame;                                   
You won't need any special effects.                         
                                                            
11373 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Arthur Pattaffy          



"This orange I'll juggle."  (Stay calm.)                    
"And these clubs."  (Juggle, juggle, no qualm.)             
"Now this chainsaw I'll chuck                               
In the air...Shit!  Oh fuck!                                
(Juggles chainsaw, clubs, orange and an arm.)               
                                                            
11374 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Peter Wilkins            



So beat was a fellow named Jake                             
That his bones and his muscles did ache.                    
He was almost half dead                                     
As he crawled into bed,                                     
Then he lay there, completely awake.                        
                                                            
11375 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Albin Chaplin   3024-2631



There was an old man of Ghent,                              
Who decided to live in a tent.                              
But when it started snowing                                 
Said, "I think I'll be going."                              
He not only thought it, he went!                            
                                                            
11376 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Spike Mulligan           



Young Igor set out from Molotov,                            
Realised he'd left his walletov,                            
And though it caused pain                                   
Turned homeward again,                                      
Saying, "Oh how I hate to callitov."                        
                                                            
11377 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



This Tuesday I'm going to claim                             
The winning prize in the big game;                          
Take the 300 mill,                                          
Move to Spain or Brazil,                                    
Buy a boat, dye my hair, change my name.                    
                                                            
11378 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Carol                    



My Darlin', buy diamonds, a mink                            
Fur coat, hacienda, and drink                               
Tequila and rum,                                            
And all of my come!                                         
With me there, you'll be tickled pink.                      
                                                            
11379 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Travis Brasell           



If someone could bottle the stuff,                          
I'm sure he would have quite enough                         
To fill up a quart                                          
With one final squirt,                                      
But the thought of it is pretty tough.                      
                                                            
11380 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Squat                    



The next time you bathe in the buff,                        
And use white shampoo, to fluff                             
The hair on your head,                                      
Recall that you said:                                       
"If only we'd bottle that stuff.                            
                                                            
11381 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Travis Brasell           



I am not sure what I should do,                             
While scubbing my head fro and to.                          
For the bottle I use,                                       
As I start to peruse,                                       
Is marked in bold text: "Selsen Blue"!                      
                                                            
11382 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Squat                    



What?  He squirts blue?  But that's sick!                   
He'd best seek a doctor right quick,                        
And get him a pill,                                         
'Cause if he's that ill,                                    
He might be losing his prick!                               
                                                            
11383 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Marlene Lewis            



That blue poo is from an old batch                          
I made when I squirted the thatch                           
On Miss Selsen's mound                                      
And afterwards found                                        
That dandruff was cured in her snatch.                      
                                                            
11384 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Travis Brasell           



There was a young fellow named Browder,                     
Who puffed out his chest and was prouder.                   
In his mind he was right                                    
For he won every fight,                                     
And he won for his reasons were louder.                     
                                                            
11385 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Albin Chaplin   3024-2476



There was a young lady of Yore                              
Whose feet were exceedingly sore.                           
She decided to sit                                          
And rest for a bit;                                         
Missed the chair and went plunk on the floor.               
                                                            
11386 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Helen Dowd               



These days, if you travel by train,                         
You will hear without any strain,                           
The warbling tones                                          
Of those damned mobile phones,                              
Which some people find quite a pain.                        
                                                            
11387 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Tiddy Ogg                



I'd just make one modification,                             
Which would be to add amplification,                        
To those dear little speakers,                              
So eavesdropping peekers,                                   
Could hear the whole conversation.                          
                                                            
11388 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Tiddy Ogg                



I've discovered mentation's a strain.                       
And then too, I've been urged to refrain,                   
By those I count to be                                      
In high authority.                                          
So from thinking I strongly abstain.                        
                                                            
11389 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9708



A man who was lost asked McNear,                            
"Tell me how do I get to Lapeer?"                           
But McNear scratched his head                               
And in puzzlement said,                                     
"There is no way to get there from here."                   
                                                            
11390 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Albin Chaplin   3024-2699



There's a young man who lives in Belsize,                   
Who believes he is clever and wise.                         
Now, what do you think?                                     
He saves gallons of ink                                     
By simply not dotting his i's.                              
                                                            
11391 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



There once was a dumb man named Jed;                        
By accident he lost his head.                               
Friends propped up his arms,                                
Put him on their farm,                                      
And now he's a scarecrow instead.                           
                                                            
11392 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Andrew Collins           



Sixty two million dollars, no cents,                        
For a  building design that prevents                        
Nuclear waste spreading 'round,                             
But the structure's unsound,                                
So they're storing the waste in some tents.                 
                                                            
11393 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Anon                     



I once knew a young man named Ted;                          
Each morning he'd spring out of bed                         
To welcome the dawn;                                        
But now he is gone.                                         
He sprang out the window instead.                           
                                                            
11394 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Supayne                  



Poor octogenerian Barrel,                                   
At Niagara with his bride, Carol;                           
The love-struck old geezer,                                 
In order to please her,                                     
Plunged over the falls in a barrel.                         
                                                            
11395 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Virginia Wilson          



We scream at inanimate objects,                             
Like when our computers eat projects.                       
And the TV screen                                           
When our team gets reamed                                   
And blasted by screaming neurotics.                         
                                                            
11396 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Gearhart                 



The psychic friends are so handy.                           
I asked them for advice about Mandy.                        
They replied "Yes do go                                     
With her in the UFO,                                        
Just don't tell the Amazing Randi.                          
(Amazing Randi, magician and skeptic = James Randi)         
11397 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      James Randi              



A man who was asked out to dinner,                          
Came home looking hungry and thinner.                       
He said, "Don't look baffled,                               
The dinner was raffled,                                     
And somebody else was the winner."                          
                                                            
11398 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Spike Mulligan           



Our poor RanDog's grand misillusions                        
Have led me to form some conlusions,                        
He's got that condition                                     
They call malnutrituion,                                    
Affecting his frontal protrusions                           
                                                            
11399 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



There was a young fellow from Erie,                         
Whose raving made everyone weary.                           
He did rant and did shout,                                  
No one knows what about.                                    
To be sure, he was nobody's dearie.                         
                                                            
11400 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Albin Chaplin            



A daring performer name Pete,                               
Would hang from a bridge by his feet.                       
But the rope broke one day,                                 
And some heard him say:                                     
"That's one trick I'll sure not repeat."                    
                                                            
11401 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Bob Birch           P0206



The sound of the gramophone wailed,                         
The crank on the motorcar failed                            
The tinsmith resisted                                       
The butcher insisted,                                       
The telegram never was mailed.                              
                                                            
11402 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Cap'n Bean               



The clocks have gone forward again;                         
It's a regular summer-time pain.                            
Been winding my watches                                     
Through several notches,                                    
And now I'm adjusting my brain.                             
                                                            
11403 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Peter Wilkins            



This week end will be so much fun,                          
When to my old sundial I'll run;                            
'Twill be hard to set it,                                   
'Cause forecasters said it                                  
Will rain and there's no hope of sun.                       
                                                            
11404 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Travis Brasell           



Now Mister, I'll soon put you right;                        
Go, fit up your dial with a light,                          
Then come cloud or rain,                                    
You'll see it quite plain,                                  
And also can read it at night.                              
                                                            
11405 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Tiddy Ogg                



Superb!  You are such a wise bloke!                         
I tied a spotlight to an oak.                               
It shined on the dial,                                      
I watched for awhile;                                       
The shadow won't move -- sundial's broke!                   
                                                            
11406 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Travis Brasell           



With his thoughts on all sorts of abuse,                    
Patrick asked the good folk of Dunluce,                     
If he brought his shillelagh                                
Along to their ceilidh, (party with singing, dancing)       
Would it get, did they think, any use?                      
                                                            
11407 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Kate Gray                



Three funny young men on a train                            
Kept singing the same old refrain:                          
"While the summer is up,                                    
Let us sing, drink, and sup,                                
And when winter is over: Again!"                            
                                                            
11408 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Sumaq                    



Once again, it is time to be heeding                        
The long-winded annual meeting.                             
When proceedings get stuck,                                 
The effects of pot-luck                                     
Might find some of us to be sleeping.                       
                                                            
11409 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a woman from Brandles                        
Who could not extinguish her candles.                       
She blew till she belched,                                  
But they wouldn't be squelched.                             
So she bashed the damn things with her sandals.             
                                                            
11410 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                          P9911



The trouble with smoking in bed,                            
Is you find you've set fire to your head.                   
You go bald as a coot                                       
And you're covered with soot.                               
"You're a prat!", the fire officer said.                    
                                                            
11411 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Bill Wall                



When I'm lonely and I'm feeling blue,                       
To remove this unwholesome hue,                             
I will stand on my head.                                    
People think I am mad,                                      
But try it! It might well work for you!                     
                                                            
11412 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



There was a young man who said "Thus,                       
There is no one more foolish than us.                       
When we think we may score                                  
In the lottery draw,                                        
We'd more likely be hit by a bus."                          
                                                            
11413 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Richard Long             



So why did I not win the Lotto?                             
I simply don't play, that's my motto.                       
I'd have as much luck                                       
As finding a duck                                           
That could lay golden eggs in a grotto.                     
                                                            
11414 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Hans                     



If 'twas lucky and I would be winnin',                      
It's certain that I would be grinnin'.                      
I'd find me a cutie                                         
For sharin' the booty,                                      
And all the day long, we'd be sinnin'.                      
                                                            
11415 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Theater Gypsy            



A ticket costs only a dollar,                               
And so my instinct I'll foller.                             
I'll purchase a ducat                                       
And pray for the luck it                                    
Will bring.  In the money I'll waller!                      
                                                            
11416 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Theater Gypsy            



A man once from Garbology,                                  
Delved in modern scatology.                                 
He dished out the crud                                      
And slung scandalous mud,                                   
And was a subject of psychology.                            
                                                            
11417 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Jim Weaver Collection    



The girl in the bank looked at me,                          
Smiled and said, "Have you any I.D.?"                       
So a mirror I took,                                         
Gave a very long look,                                      
And said, "Yes, I am sure that is me."                      
                                                            
11418 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a fellow named Rich                          
An ornery son of a bitch;                                   
He once got so mad                                          
At his mom and his dad                                      
That he threw them both into a ditch.                       
                                                            
11419 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID                               



How awkward when playing with glue                          
To suddenly find out that you                               
Have stuck nice and tight,                                  
Your left hand to your right,                               
In a permanent how-do-you-do.                               
                                                            
11420 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Loopy Limericks     P0212



There was a contestant, Hope Beck,                          
Who might have received a fat check.                        
She worked early and late,                                  
But forgot the right date.                                  
That unreckoned date caused hope-wreck!                     
                                                            
11421 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Completing the Lim  P0311



There's a lady who lives on a pension                       
Whose habits are worthy of mention;                         
She will, like a clown,                                     
Use her spoon upside down,                                  
In a ludicrous bid for attention.                           
                                                            
11422 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Vincent Torre       P0207



It appears that despite our progression                     
We've retained a pervasive obsession                        
Which demands we join in                                    
Every ear splitting din                                     
In our culture of noise and aggression.                     
                                                            
11423 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



Jim had a problem with concrete;                            
In it he had sunk both his feet.                            
He screamed and he wiggled,                                 
But passers-by giggled,                                     
For he's naked apart from a sheet.                          
                                                            
11424 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Anon                     



Down the street, walking backwards, went Flynn;             
To dissuade him no man could begin.                         
For it's senseless to know                                  
Where you're going to go,                                   
Just as long as you know where you've been.                 
                                                            
11425 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Albin Chaplin   3024-2574



A man who moved to Australia                                
Said, "Please readdress all my mail here                    
Care of Box 29,                                             
Newcastle-on-Tyne."                                         
No wonder it all was a failure.                             
                                                            
11426 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - STUPID      Spike Milligan           



Twice yearly you keep yourself clean?                       
How disgusting - that's almost obscene.                     
Such cleanliness oughta                                     
Be banned - soap 'n' water                                  
Ain't British; you know what I mean.                        
                                                            
11427 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



And as for deodorants - gosh!                               
I'd rather prefer to go wash                                
Once a decade or so                                         
When I notice below                                         
How my underpants stick to my cosh.                         
                                                            
11428 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



Said the town lapidary, "Oh, dang!                          
That marmoreal, bibeleot thang!                             
That fulginous bauble                                       
Is way too much trouble!                                    
'Tis infrangible!"  'Twas his harangue.                     
                                                            
11429 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Hilde na Beag            



So he threw it back, out in the lake,                       
Where it later was found by a drake                         
that ate it, by golly,                                      
And soon knew it's folly.                                   
It sank like a fifty pound cake.                            
                                                            
11430 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Hilde na Beag            



Caldonian offshore gives warning,                           
But I wasn't born just this morning.                        
He's wanting my LOOT,                                       
But I'll give him the BOOT,                                 
And to his fat ass give a horning!                          
                                                            
11431 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



What, do you think I'm a fool?                              
I know how to use my own tool!                              
For your odious offer,                                      
I'll NOT fill your coffer.                                  
I'm a crafty and stubborn old mule!                         
                                                            
11432 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



It's been raining for days, we are sogged;                  
We are damp, we are wet, waterlogged.                       
The water is rising,                                        
Which is not surprising,                                    
'Cause all of the drains have been clogged.                 
                                                            
11433 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Archie                   



When young Jim took a dip in the river,                     
He said to his friend with a shiver,                        
"It has frozen my heart                                     
And my feet for a start,                                    
And it gives me a cold in the liver."                       
                                                            
11434 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Funfax Limericks         



This spring we've had plenty of rain,                       
It ran along Livingston Lane,                               
Then it came to its fate                                    
At a black iron grate,                                      
Where it exited into the drain.                             
                                                            
11435 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Cap'n Bean          P0307



Come follow me down to the sea;                             
We will frolic with laughter and glee                       
And have fun in the sun.                                    
And then after we've done,                                  
We'll have lobster and mussels for tea.                     
                                                            
11436 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



I play in the tub for a laugh,                              
With Gerry the handy giraffe.                               
I pretend he's a sub                                        
Or a tank in the tub,                                       
Or maybe the Zeppelin Graf.                                 
                                                            
11437 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Peter Wilkins            



Giraffes in the tub?  Let me see!                           
But I have my rubber ducky.                                 
He's my plane or ship;                                      
Takes me on a trip                                          
To exotic places -- for free!                               
                                                            
11438 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Marlene Lewis            



I don't have giraffes in my tubber --                       
I just got those twin islands that flubber                  
In time with the groundswell;                               
And down there a seashell,                                  
A cave for the bold to discover.                            
                                                            
11439 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Ulla                     



Since childhood my favorite friend Jake                     
Goes with me whenever I take                                
A bath and he'll stay                                       
Around and I'll play                                        
With him -- my old friend 'Jake the Snake.'                 
                                                            
11440 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Travis                   



In my tub I have toys that are loaded                       
With cool water -- so to be 'sploded.                       
Cloth balloons that go "Squisssh",                          
And an orange and red fish                                  
That was in much too long and corroded.                     
                                                            
11441 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Hilde na Beag            



There was a young sailor named Jim                          
Whose eyes were exceedingly dim.                            
He walked on the pier,                                      
But the edge got too near,                                  
And alas and alack -- he can't swim!                        
                                                            
11442 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Helen Dowd               



A young lady who worked as a diver                          
Held her breath a long time for a fiver.                    
And she doubled it when                                     
She was offered a ten,                                      
But at twenty we had to revive her.                         
                                                            
11443 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Cyber Geezer             



A girl, who was called Gravel Gertie,                       
Didn't bathe until she was thirty.                          
One day Gertie fell                                         
Right into a well;                                          
After that, she wasn't so dirty.                            
                                                            
11444 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Anon                     



There once was a boy from Kentucky                          
Who bathed with a rubberized ducky.                         
When asked why he did,                                      
He grinned like a kid,                                      
And said, "'Cause I may just get lucky!"                    
                                                            
11445 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Jimbo              TP9802



A man not bathing was Sherman,                              
Refusing the hygenic sermon.                                
His condition gave rise                                     
To ants and to flies                                        
And many other types of vermin.                             
                                                            
11446 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Tom Patton          P9611



You know all about H2O.                                     
You bragged about how you can row.                          
But the boat was upset,                                     
And I think you're all wet.                                 
That's the end of your braggadocio.                         
                                                            
11447 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Al Willis                



Whenever I enter a room,                                    
The ladies all grow faint and swoon.                        
It's not my attraction                                      
That's caused this reaction...                              
I've not had a bath since last June.                        
                                                            
11448 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



By the Grand Coulee Dam, Mrs. Gear                          
Said, "Let's start an expansion shop here."                 
But her spouse from L.A.                                    
Said, "We can't, there's no way.                            
No. Not by a dam site, my dear."                            
                                                            
11449 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9504



There once was a girl from Nantucket,                       
Who washed a goose in a bucket.                             
When it started to shiver,                                  
It said with a quiver,                                      
"Each feather is needed; don't pluck it!"                   
                                                            
11450 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Donna B                  



When the wild water floods old New York,                    
And drowns every genius and dork,                           
I'll be on my own;                                          
I won't moan and groan.                                     
I'll search for a very large cork.                          
                                                            
11451 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Al Willis                



My bathtub, I fear, is too short;                           
My arms and my legs must contort.                           
While tubbin' I'm scrubbin'                                 
But constantly rubbin'                                      
The faucet I use for support.                               
                                                            
11452 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Eric Hinds               



My sister is like a beanpole;                               
Eats less than a mouse or a mole.                           
She stayed here one night,                                  
Had a bath and what fright!                                 
She disappeared down the drainhole.                         
(apologies to Dorothy Shea)                                 
11453 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Michelle                 



Well sweetie, she should have refrained                     
From staying with you, or restrained                        
Herself from a wash,                                        
Since surely, by gosh,                                      
She's feeling, no doubt, very drained.                      
                                                            
11454 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Travis Brasell           



The bathtub, I fear, has a knack                            
For giving good people the whack.                           
All over the nation                                         
There's true liquidation                                    
And no way of turning them back!                            
                                                            
11455 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Travis Brasell           



I had opposite trouble -- such woe --                       
For nothing would go down the hole.                         
The new plunger was stiff --                                
Used my foot to help with --                                
It all slipped and I 'most broke my toe.                    
                                                            
11456 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Delux                    



There was a young man name of Bauer                         
Who dawdled each day in the shower.                         
That's the one reason why                                   
Down at the local Y,                                        
He's the reigning man of the hour.                          
                                                            
11457 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Tom Patton          P0304



There was a young fellow named Ted,                         
Who didn't like going to bed.                               
He thought for a laugh                                      
He'd sleep in the bath,                                     
But the water tap dripped on his head.                      
                                                            
11458 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Alan Davies              



Thick Thelma, who is challenged slightly,                   
Gets TV from all over brightly.                             
The shows that most please                                  
Are the BBCs;                                               
Claims she surfs the English Channel nightly.               
                                                            
11459 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Tom Patton          P0800



The calm sea, say sailors, enticeth us,                     
And sailing the salt sea doth spiceth us.                   
When the wild sea surceaseth,                               
And the seething sea ceaseth,                               
We can say that the sea thus sufficeth us.                  
                                                            
11460 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Albin Chaplin   3024-2560



With his arms around her, tenderly,                         
They viewed the sunset on the sea.                          
But when a distant voice roars,                             
He lost both their oars.                                    
"Come on in.  Your time's up, Number Three!"                
                                                            
11461 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Arthur Pattaffy          



Port Deposit's a nice little town,                          
But last week they shut it all down;                        
Unless you've a boat,                                       
So that you can float                                       
Down Main Street, or else you might drown.                  
                                                            
11462 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



It is squeezed between bluffs and a river;                  
That whole town ain't more than a sliver;                   
There's a high water table;                                 
Stay home if you're able;                                   
And drink till you pickle your liver!                       
                                                            
11463 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER                                



My wife is drawing a tub.                                   
She's invited me in for a scrub.                            
Bath oil and soap;                                          
Up periscope!                                               
When I make like a nuclear sub.                             
                                                            
11464 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Mike Prsnut              



I decided to take a noon fix,                               
Because lost at sea is the shits.                           
Brought sextant to bear;                                    
Saw the sun over there;                                     
Now truly I know where me sits.                             
                                                            
11465 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Capt D                   



As the weather grew hotter and hotter,                      
My clothes absorbed sweat like a blotter.                   
As the temperature rose                                     
From my head to my toes,                                    
I wanted to lie in deep water!                              
                                                            
11466 CLEAN - ACTIVITY - WATER       Arthur Pattaffy          



In those days before television,                            
We listened to the wireless transmission.                   
In a well defined voice                                     
And a limited choice,                                       
With no talk of nuclear fission.                            
                                                            
11467 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



A TV announcer called Roddy,                                
Was described by his critics as shoddy.                     
The eye could not perceive                                  
What his admirers believe;                                  
He possessed a remarkable body!                             
                                                            
11468 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



TV viewers will know the name Springer;                     
He is certainly, no way a singer.                           
With hair like dried copra,                                 
He's portrayed in an opera;                                 
His portrayer's a very good ringer.                         
                                                            
11469 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



Santa Barbara and Dallas are soaps,                         
Which give much of suburbia hopes.                          
Housewife glued to the box                                  
Feeds family bagels and lox,                                
As they watch rapes, seductions and gropes!                 
                                                            
11470 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



A TV newscaster named Heather,                              
Reads the news, but refuses the weather.                    
"With those lines and those squiggles,                      
I'd break out in giggles,                                   
And I'd soon reach the end of my tether!"                   
                                                            
11471 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



TV gives its news with impunity;                            
The staffs are usually getting immunity.                    
As well as their views,                                     
They give financial news,                                   
To please the large business community!                     
                                                            
11472 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



A TV newscaster from Guinea                                 
Had a name that was shortened to Pliny.                     
Lots of calls on the phone,                                 
Said the area shown,                                        
Came up on the screen as too skinny!                        
                                                            
11473 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



On mornings, as he got out of bed,                          
'Twas essential he had a clear head.                        
He'd express his own views                                  
As he read the first news,                                  
Then he'd switch on his TV instead!                         
                                                            
11474 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



Teenagers are drawn to TV;                                  
At the ads, we all chortle with glee.                       
We haven't the money;                                       
This fact isn't funny;                                      
Parents say it does not grow on trees.                      
                                                            
11475 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



You will soon have a phone with a screen;                   
As you chat with your friends, you'll be seen.              
When the phone rings, don't curse;                          
Simply reach for your purse.                                
As you speak you, will feel you must preen!                 
                                                            
11476 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



A TV producer named Barry,                                  
Spent most of his days feeling merry.                       
When not in production,                                     
He practiced seduction;                                     
He has kids from Killinchy to Kerry!                        
                                                            
11477 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



An American news reader called Sissal,                      
Had a figure that made viewers whistle.                     
Listeners heard not the news,                               
They just said "aahs" and "oohs";                           
It was this that led to her dismissal!                      
                                                            
11478 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



Every home has at least one TV.                             
We look for what we want to see.                            
From entertainment to crime,                                
We can watch all the time;                                  
All this for a small license fee!                           
                                                            
11479 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



A TV addict called John Doe;                                
Watched all day, every night, every show.                   
If asked out for a while,                                   
He'll shake his head and smile,                             
"There's something to see.  I can't go."                    
                                                            
11480 CLEAN - COMMUNICATION - TV     Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow from Gloucester,                   
Whose wife ran away with a coster.                          
He traced her to Lester,                                    
And tried to arrest her,                                    
But in spite of his efforts, he lost her.                   
                                                            
11481 CLEAN - COURTING               Anon (Reed)              



She turned up soon after in Bister,                         
Where the coster was seen to have kissed her.               
He caught her at Wooster,                                   
Where roundly he goosed her,                                
And finally married her sister.                             
                                                            
11482 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



An innocent maiden of Gloucester                            
Fell in love with a coster named Foster;                    
She met him in Leicester,                                   
Where he merely caress her,                                 
Then the hard-headed coster just lost her.                  
                                                            
11483 CLEAN - COURTING               Anon (Bibby)(Parrot)     



There was a young lady named Marty,                         
Who considered herself quite a smarty.                      
Her choice of men dates                                     
Did not please her girl mates;                              
They thought she was acting too tarty.                      
                                                            
11484 CLEAN - COURTING               Arthur Pattaffy          



An insecure fellow was Vince;                               
When ladies would smile, he would wince.                    
As a youth in the park                                      
He had plenty of spark,                                     
But of late he was all out of flints.                       
                                                            
11485 CLEAN - COURTING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2830



Romance ain't about private parts,                          
It deals with the meeting of hearts.                        
The trick is to wait                                        
Until they can mate,                                        
Or go spend your time chasing tarts.                        
                                                            
11486 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



In this world which is funny and sad,                       
Were you a loving husband and dad?                          
Are you bowed but unbroken,                                 
Has your life been a token --                               
That you took the good with the bad?                        
                                                            
11487 CLEAN - COURTING               Mensa Bulletin      P8512



Said a pretty FM who is shy,                                
If you're single, you're my kind of guy.                    
With some verse 'neath a tree,                              
A little Mozart, and me.                                    
You'll be glad that you dared to reply.                     
                                                            
11488 CLEAN - COURTING               Mensa Bulletin      P8512



An ex-soviet (now a Russian)                                
Was arrested for playing percussion                         
In Moscow's Red Square,                                     
While totally bare,                                         
To a girl he said he had a crush on.                        
                                                            
11489 CLEAN - COURTING               Barrie Collins      P9603



Beware Travis, dear Bev, he's a bugger!                     
He'd assure her he never will mug her.                      
But why should he fear                                      
Bobbitt's loss if he's clear                                
Of a lusty intention to fug her.                            
                                                            
11490 CLEAN - COURTING               Edward Leer              



A limerick for loverly Beverly?                             
But there's only one rhyme, and that's "cleverly."          
To continue the beat,                                       
Her name must repeat                                        
Thus--Beverly, Beverly, Beverly.                            
                                                            
11491 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



So Beverly's fifty at last,                                 
And her pension kicks in -- what a blast!                   
May she take as much pleasure                               
In her future leisure,                                      
As she naughtily took in her past.                          
                                                            
11492 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



The limerick you've written for Beverly                     
Was loverly and crafted quite cleverly.                     
But I think the beat                                        
Set to music'd be neat,                                     
Then submit to those song Brothers, Everly.                 
                                                            
11493 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



Don't charge me with buggering Beverley,                    
For I'll say, "Oh, hell no, not neverly!"                   
I'll lie to the end                                         
To keep my old friend                                       
From meeting with Bobbitt's fate, severley!                 
                                                            
11494 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



The dove in the tree is a-cooing,                           
The lover, his lass is a-wooing.                            
By buying her gifts,                                        
The trader's heart lifts,                                   
For cash in his till he's accruing.                         
                                                            
11495 CLEAN - COURTING               Tiddy Ogg                



A cantankerous maiden's shy suitor                          
Built a hugh biorhythm computer,                            
Which picks safest days,                                    
Amplitude and phase,                                        
Specifically not to dispute her.                            
                                                            
11496 CLEAN - COURTING               Paul Niquette            



Young Rudolpho, a suitor so bold,                           
Said to Mimi, or so we've been told,                        
"I'll say this for a start,                                 
You must have a warm heart,                                 
Because, Mimi, your hand's icy cold."                       
                                                            
11497 CLEAN - COURTING               Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



When you're dating today, there is strife.                  
You don't know just how fate rules your life.               
You could end up like me,                                   
In a quandary, you see;                                     
With my first girlfriend's husband's ex-wife.               
                                                            
11498 CLEAN - COURTING               Limerick Man             



Of circumlocutions we've got                                
Some good ones, and some that are not.                      
"His current squeeze",                                      
And "Somebody she's                                         
Been seeing," obscure what is what.                         
                                                            
11499 CLEAN - COURTING               Nick Lanyon              



At least you give romance a chance:                         
A wink or a long sexy glance                                
Will flutter more hearts.                                   
Than those active parts                                     
That look like a dance in your pants.                       
                                                            
11500 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



Those shadows don't fall, they are thrown                   
By structures of wood and of stone.                         
And they're just one more sign                              
Of the passing of time...                                   
Soon I'm Darby and you'll be my Joan.                       
                                                            
11501 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



Those shadows don't fall, they are thrown                   
By structures of wood and of stone.                         
And they're just one more sign                              
Of the passing of time...                                   
Soon I'm Darby and you'll be my Joan.                       
                                                            
11502 CLEAN - COURTING               Tiddy Ogg                



A naive young coed named Gig                                
Was an expert in math and in trig.                          
She presumed it was great                                   
To be asked for a date,                                     
But could not tell a date from a fig.                       
                                                            
11503 CLEAN - COURTING               Albin Chaplin            



Two maidens were seated at tea,                             
Discussing the things that might be.                        
"I think I'll wed Willie,"                                  
Said Molly to Milly,                                        
"That is, if he asks me, you see."                          
                                                            
11504 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



A young telephoniste from Bright                            
Was working all day and all night.                          
She was working alone                                       
All day on the phone,                                       
And was faxing her boyfriend all night.                     
                                                            
11505 CLEAN - COURTING               Werner                   



An amorous fellow of Scone                                  
Was for callousness very well known.                        
To a girlfriend named Bess                                  
He said, "Were you less                                     
Forthcoming, I'd be forth goin'!"                           
                                                            
11506 CLEAN - COURTING               Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



And now there's the typical male,                           
With his mathematical detail.                               
It matters not                                              
If we call it aught --                                      
It's still the same game of cock/tail!                      
                                                            
11507 CLEAN - COURTING               Ericka                   



A handsome young fellow called Miles                        
Used to help pretty girls over stiles.                      
Once over the top                                           
One or two used to stop,                                    
But the rest kept on going for Miles.                       
                                                            
11508 CLEAN - COURTING               Michael Palin            



A stolid young fellow of Vichy                              
Was asked if for girls he was itchy.                        
He said, "No thank you, dear,                               
For I already fear                                          
That I have one that's grouchy and bitchy.                  
                                                            
11509 CLEAN - COURTING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2829



Young Joe gets embarrassed quite truly,                     
Whenever he meets lovely Julie.                             
The throb in his gland                                      
Makes his trousers expand;                                  
He can't stop his member unruly...                          
                                                            
11510 CLEAN - COURTING               Tiddy Ogg                



...From standing to greet this young miss,                  
But even she thinks it amiss,                               
As ejaculation                                              
Soon causes deflation,                                      
Before he's given her a kiss.                               
                                                            
11511 CLEAN - COURTING               Tiddy Ogg                



So Joe's lost the use of his stinger,                       
And Julie is not loath to linger.                           
She'll not get a good                                       
Poke with Joe's throbbing wood,                             
And things ain't the same with a finger.                    
                                                            
11512 CLEAN - COURTING               Tiddy Ogg                



I finally said I would not mind                             
A blind date that my friends would find.                    
He said I was short                                         
And, "Is that a wart?"                                      
Come on -- there's no WAY that he's blind!                  
                                                            
11513 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



A city boy from Boston, Mass.                               
Fell in love with a buxom farm lass.                        
He was fond of her cows,                                    
Pig, chickens and sows,                                     
But his favorite, by far, was her ass.                      
                                                            
11514 CLEAN - COURTING               Wiley                    



My sweetheart, your birthday is here;                       
I've bought you a Hoover, my dear.                          
And new rubber gloves                                       
Just to show that I loves                                   
You -- they'll last for the rest of the year.               
                                                            
11515 CLEAN - COURTING               Peter Wilkins            



To Lori, who's in Pennsylvania,                             
I'm sorry to say I must train ya'                           
To act really dumb,                                         
Moronic and glum,                                           
Else how will my parents explain ya'?                       
                                                            
11516 CLEAN - COURTING               Jim Weaver Collection    



In Essex the girls love their blokes;                       
Don't like to be thought of as jokes.                       
Each cute blond Sharon                                      
Has her lagered Darren;                                     
They think they are just normal folks.                      
                                                            
11517 CLEAN - COURTING               Tony Burrell             



I swoon at the sight of your toes;                          
I swoon for your sweet little nose;                         
I swoon when my eyes                                        
Spy the top of your thighs                                  
And I...why are you leaving me, Rose?                       
                                                            
11518 CLEAN - COURTING               Peter Wilkins            



John waltzed into town.  Though a hobo,                     
In disguise he came playing an oboe.                        
Marsha needed a date.                                       
He became her soul mate,                                    
But it started with John as her faux beau.                  
(John and Marsha was a comedy record in early 50's)         
11519 CLEAN - COURTING               Hilde na Beag            



"I wuv you," thaid Ron to young Ethel,                      
And threw himself forward to wrestle;                       
But found that hith kitheth                                 
Fell not on his mitheth                                     
But thomewhere dithguthting on Thethil.                     
                                                            
11520 CLEAN - COURTING               Peter Wilkins            



The horseman has mounted his steed,                         
Off he rides to his damsel full speed.                      
She is there in yon castle,                                 
Frees her hair from its tassel,                             
And makes ready her row for his seed.                       
                                                            
11521 CLEAN - COURTING               Travis Brasel            



The horseman is gallant and daring;                         
For the young maid his planter is flaring.                  
'Cross the moor, through the glen,                          
He rides fast as the wind,                                  
For the maid's garden needs his firm caring.                
                                                            
11522 CLEAN - COURTING               Travis Brasel            



With her pass open wide, the maid waits.                    
As her love crops his steed through its gaits.              
Then as if time stood still,                                
She could feel his hard steel                               
Tool its way through her tight fertile straits.             
                                                            
11523 CLEAN - COURTING               Travis Brasel            



Now the damsel delights in yon tower,                       
For the horseman has tended her bower.                      
From his strong cultivation                                 
And his full saturation,                                    
Will there come a sweet, elegant flower.                    
                                                            
11524 CLEAN - COURTING               Travis Brasel            



The doc warned a fellow of Lansing,                         
"You must cease your excessive romancing.                   
Too much wine, maids, and song                              
And you will not live long."                                
So he eased up a bit on his dancing.                        
                                                            
11525 CLEAN - COURTING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2655



A young lady who sings in our choir,                        
Whose hair is the color of fire,                            
But her charm is unique,                                    
She has such a physique,                                    
It is really a joy to be nigh her.                          
                                                            
11526 CLEAN - COURTING               The Limerick Book   P9405



Whenever she looks down the aisle,                          
She gives me a beautiful smile.                             
And of all of her beaux,                                    
I am sure that she shows,                                   
She like me the best all the while.                         
                                                            
11527 CLEAN - COURTING               The Limerick Book   P9405



I'm glad that you finally found,                            
Time to come back to this playground.                       
Looking for playmates,                                      
You won't have to wait,                                     
Too long, there is plenty around.                           
                                                            
11528 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



I got me a buddy named Beth;                                
I swoon just to drink in her breath.                        
I must idolize                                              
Her stunning brown eyes,                                    
And worship her unto my death.                              
                                                            
11529 CLEAN - COURTING               H Whelchel               



A pimpled, pubescent raw lad,                               
Whose habits and manners are bad,                           
Will quickly progress                                       
From being a mess                                           
To lover, then husband, and dad.                            
                                                            
11530 CLEAN - COURTING               R. J. Winkler       P8502



I was thinking thoughts geographical,                       
Ignoring the factors polatical,                             
Of ALL North AmERICKA                                       
Almost hemispherica --                                      
I'd love to have your autographical.                        
                                                            
11531 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



Some maintain 'twixt the tomato bisque                      
And the Deli, there's less of a risk                        
Of gross aggravation,                                       
If the assignation                                          
Seems a chance meeting and not a tryst.                     
                                                            
11532 CLEAN - COURTING               Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



There was a young girl from Des Moines                      
Excessively laden with coin.                                
She eloped with a gent                                      
With a Brooklyn accent,                                     
Who boasts, "We'll have money to boin."                     
                                                            
11533 CLEAN - COURTING               Glimmerick Book     P9010



A youth and a maiden from Cossey,                           
Sat and talked on a bank that was mossy.                    
After six hours of this,                                    
The youth ventured a kiss,                                  
Not exactly a speed-merchant, was he?                       
                                                            
11534 CLEAN - COURTING               S C Turner               



I never get flowers at work                                 
'Cause my Charlie's such a big jerk.                        
He goes to get flowers                                      
But it takes him hours                                      
To give my bouquet to the clerk.                            
                                                            
11535 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



Since first choice is not granted to all                    
When in love we are destined to fall,                       
'Tis far better to court                                    
And to love someone short                                   
That not ever to have loved a tall.                         
                                                            
11536 CLEAN - COURTING               William N. Nesbit   P9603



I see jewelry and diamonds no end,                          
For guys who have real dough to spend.                      
So I phoned Tiffany                                         
(The call was toll free)                                    
And told them, "On me, don't depend."                       
                                                            
11537 CLEAN - COURTING               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



Such hearty good eaters the Polacks!                        
They at one meal eat a whole ox!                            
They're good suitors too,                                   
If the girls that they woo                                  
Leave their bedroom doors open, with no locks.              
                                                            
11538 CLEAN - COURTING               Laurence Perrine    P8911



A man should not search out a lay                           
At the place where he's earning his pay.                    
He should not get his honey                                 
Where he's making the money,                                
And should not let his meat loaf all day.                   
                                                            
11539 CLEAN - COURTING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2664



Thus asked at a ball was young Balfour,                     
"Now what do you stand by the wall for?"                    
He replied, rather sour,                                    
"I'm just a wall flower,                                    
And there's nobody here I can fall for."                    
                                                            
11540 CLEAN - COURTING               Albin Chaplin            



This fellow I know who is gay,                              
He offered me flowers.  No way                              
Would I take that bunch                                     
'Cause I have a hunch,                                      
This play is his way to display.                            
                                                            
11541 CLEAN - COURTING               Gary Hallock             



If romance you want, think of flowers                       
Or candlelight dinners in bowers --                         
Don't think about parts,                                    
Or lusty old tarts,                                         
Or humping and panting for hours?                           
                                                            
11542 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



The poor lass was sad and quite low;                        
Alone, she had nowhere to go.                               
A lad came along                                            
And sang her his song,                                      
And salvaged her soul with a beau.                          
                                                            
11543 CLEAN - COURTING               Maggie                   



There is an old geezer of Frimley                           
Who seems to remember, but dimly,                           
The days when persuadin'                                    
A kiss from a maiden                                        
Took decades of wooin' her grimly.                          
                                                            
11544 CLEAN - COURTING               Peter Wilkins            



It's said that when ones love is yonder,                    
Then "Absence make the heart grow fonder."                  
Yet, "Out of sight, out of mind",                           
Tends the first to rescind.                                 
I fear there is some cause to wonder.                       
                                                            
11545 CLEAN - COURTING               Stan Payne          P8509



A young German fraulein, Ludmilla,                          
Had a boyfriend known as a killer.                          
He treated her roughly,                                     
But added quite gruffly,                                    
That she was his own granadilla.  (passion flower)          
                                                            
11546 CLEAN - COURTING               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young man in Peoria,                            
Who remarked to a girl, I adore ya.                         
Our young lives asymptotic                                  
Must be symbiotic."                                         
She replied,"That's a phantasmagoria."                      
                                                            
11547 CLEAN - COURTING               Lowdown Higher Ed   P9306



A young girl from old Silverknife,                          
Thought she'd met the man in her life.                      
Like a beautiful dream,                                     
She'd have married him,                                     
If she'd not met his beautiful wife.                        
                                                            
11548 CLEAN - COURTING               Darcy                    



There was a fair Belgian of Locre,                          
Who smothered herself with red ochre.                       
When people asked why,                                      
She exclaimed with a sigh,                                  
"I've fallen in love with a stoker."                        
                                                            
11549 CLEAN - COURTING               Wipers Times 1916 (Bibby)



How could I ever forget                                     
That day? morning? evening we met.                          
You were a shortish? tall guy                               
With blue? green? brown eyes                                
And your body was thinly? thickset.                         
                                                            
11550 CLEAN - COURTING               Ericka  A1               



My fingers in your red? brown? black? hair                  
Started our day? week? year? -long affair.                  
I'll always remember                                        
How you looked in December                                  
In your flowered? striped? jockey? boxer? underwear.        
                                                            
11551 CLEAN - COURTING               Ericka  A2               



I remember those nights in Honshu,                          
Our sweat intermixed with the dew.                          
I'll never forget                                           
The inn where we met.                                       
(I'm almost sure that it was you.)                          
                                                            
11552 CLEAN - COURTING               Irish                    



There once was a woman named Mary,                          
Who was thought of as being contrary.                       
She liked making noise                                      
When she talked to the boys,                                
And the boys thought the noise a bit scary                  
                                                            
11553 CLEAN - COURTING               Jim Weaver Collection    



Becky who was engaged to a tailor,                          
Went out one night with a sailor.                           
"Oh my gosh!" said her ma.                                  
"Oi, Oi!" said her pa,                                      
"It's too late, but I'll certainly whale her."              
                                                            
11554 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



But I just hadn't twigged till you said                     
What he meant; I am soft in the head!                       
I'll make your knee joggle!                                 
I'll borrow his woggle,                                     
And sit on your knee in his stead.                          
                                                            
11555 CLEAN - COURTING               Jim Weaver Collection    



At the table we sit thigh to thigh                          
And smile as the world passes by.                           
For comfort is found                                        
In companionship bound                                      
In this silence we cannot deny.                             
                                                            
11556 CLEAN - COURTING               Azul                     



I hope that you know that it's true,                        
I sure do like looking at you.                              
For while you were sleeping,                                
I just kept on peeping,                                     
Looking for something that's new.                           
                                                            
11557 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



I pondered and wondered out loud;                           
Oh boy, was I ever proud,                                   
She was there, neat and cozy,                               
Too bad she was dozy,                                       
'Cause she snores like a rioting crowd.                     
                                                            
11558 CLEAN - COURTING                                        



"I knew that I really loved Jane,"                          
Said Bill, "when it caused me great pain                    
And therefore made me mad                                   
At the buddies I had,                                       
When they said she was stupid and plain."                   
                                                            
11559 CLEAN - COURTING               A. N. Wilkins       P8502



A gallant young blade from Duquesne                         
Went home with a girl in the rain.                          
Said she with a sigh,                                       
"I wonder when I                                            
Shall see such a rainbow again."                            
                                                            
11560 CLEAN - COURTING               Bennet Cerf Coll    P9210



The time I've lost in wooing,                               
In watching and pursuing                                    
They light that lies                                        
In women's eyes,                                            
Has been my heart's undoing.                                
                                                            
11561 CLEAN - COURTING               T Moore died 1852 (Bibby)



Though Wisdom oft has sought me,                            
I scorned the lore she brought me,                          
My only books                                               
Were women's looks,                                         
And folly's all they've taught me.                          
                                                            
11562 CLEAN - COURTING               T Moore died 1852 (Bibby)



Some day ere she grows too antique,                         
My girl's hand in marriage I'll seek;                       
If she's not a coquette                                     
(Which I'd greatly regret)                                  
She shall share my ten dollars a week.                      
                                                            
11563 CLEAN - COURTING               Jim Weaver Collection    



I knew an old geezer named Caesar                           
Who did try his damnedest to please her.                    
Though overly stout                                         
And well-known as a lout,                                   
He managed to tickle and tease her.                         
                                                            
11564 CLEAN - COURTING               R E Heuberer             



I know you're a loose girl, Euphamia,                       
But while we're in Mesopotamia,                             
While climbing the rubble,                                  
Please stay out of trouble,                                 
Unless he's so cute I can't blame ya'.                      
                                                            
11565 CLEAN - COURTING               Paul Isaacs              



If lads to young ladies harken,                             
'Twould help when they go a-sparkin',                       
Or else they'll be told                                     
"Stay out in the cold,                                      
Since you're up the wrong tree barkin'."                    
                                                            
11566 CLEAN - COURTING               Chris Papa               



Her husband must not be a wee man.                          
He must be a big man, a he-man --                           
A soldier or seaman,                                        
A demon or bee-man,                                         
An FBI agent or G-man.                                      
                                                            
11567 CLEAN - COURTING               Laurence Perrine    P9309



Although you've been gone for awhile,                       
The images quickly compile,                                 
For, I still see your face,                                 
And recall your embrace                                     
And the love in the warmth of your smile.                   
                                                            
11568 CLEAN - COURTING               Cap'n Bean               



A handsome you bachelor named Lance,                        
Asked a lovely young miss to the dance.                     
Poor Lance didn't know,                                     
To the Altar he'd go.                                       
He should have been warned in advance!                      
                                                            
11569 CLEAN - COURTING               Norma L. Huisman    P9208



There's a tiresome young man of Bay Shore                   
When his fiancee cried: "I adore                            
The beautiful sea!"                                         
He replied, "I agree;                                       
It's pretty, but what is it for?"                           
                                                            
11570 CLEAN - COURTING               Morris Bishop            



When I have to leave town for yonder,                       
I know my heart's heart tends to wander,                    
So I squander my money                                      
On gifts for my honey;                                      
It's presents that make the heart fonder.                   
                                                            
11571 CLEAN - COURTING               Laurence Perrine    P9004



For this girl he felt quite an attraction.                  
Much later, he had satisfaction.                            
He gave her a chain,                                        
His wife did complain,                                      
For it brought on a loud chain reaction.                    
                                                            
11572 CLEAN - COURTING               Jim Weaver Collection    



Love, to a woman's addiction,                               
Is just what she reads in cheap fiction.                    
True love is primary                                        
And sex, secondary.                                         
With men, it's a matter of friction.                        
                                                            
11573 CLEAN - COURTING               Al Willis           T9712



The thing about men from Wayne State,                       
(And this incidently I hate)                                
They dress for distress,                                    
And I must confess,                                         
They take mommy on every date!                              
                                                            
11574 CLEAN - COURTING               Hungry Hannah            



A macho young farmer named Ed                               
Could pitch bales of hay overhead;                          
But he found out one day                                    
Better uses for hay --                                      
Now it's woo that he pitches instead.                       
                                                            
11575 CLEAN - COURTING               Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young fellow named Clark                        
Who cared not with whom he did spark.                       
In his mind was no doubt                                    
For when lights were put out,                               
All the cats felt the same in the dark.                     
                                                            
11576 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Albin Chaplin   3024-1991



A middle aged American called Morty,                        
Said life began when he reached forty.                      
Meeting the opposite sex,                                   
Wondering what came next;                                   
He found the best actions were naughty!                     
                                                            
11577 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Arthur Pattaffy          



When boys become men they get randy,                        
And females begin to look dandy.                            
They get attentive, and then some,                          
Chasing girls that are winsome,                             
Who soon learn that boys are quite "handy."                 
                                                            
11578 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Bill Edwards        P9103



A dashing young cowgirl named Nancy                         
Saw a cowboy she really could fancy;                        
She sneaked up beside him,                                  
And roped him and tied him,                                 
'Cause runnin' 'em loose can be chancy.                     
                                                            
11579 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Would you put on your dress, Honey bun,                     
For an evening of cultural fun;                             
In a gallery smart                                          
Of impressionist art                                        
And a dinner for two in the sun?                            
                                                            
11580 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Peter Wilkins            



Then a concert, perhaps, after dark,                        
With the classical music of Bach?                           
Or maybe we'll choose                                       
Some old Rhythm and Blues                                   
Or a slow, gentle stroll in the park?                       
                                                            
11581 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Peter Wilkins            



I just can't think of a way                                 
That I'd rather spend the whole day.                        
Dinner for two,                                             
Rhythm and Blues,                                           
And walking with you and Monet.                             
                                                            
11582 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Ericka                   



There was a young man who by chance                         
Into a nurse's eyes did glance.                             
Before he was aware,                                        
He floated on air,                                          
And was definitely in a deep trance.                        
                                                            
11583 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Edwin J Weinstein        



Sweet springtime is driving me frantic;                     
I'm dreaming of love so romantic;                           
Of a tender nice guy                                        
Who's fast forward not shy,                                 
And who owns a big heart quite gigantic.                    
                                                            
11584 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER                                



There's a few chubby gals in this cow town,                 
Who will sit by the lake around sundown.                    
Their dreams mostly lost in                                 
The Big Town (that's Austin),                               
Where they'd love to go chase a good man down.              
                                                            
11585 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER                                



The farmer's daughter looked so sad,                        
In her long skirt and blouse of plaid.                      
Then she saw me                                             
And she said with glee,                                     
"Let's elope to the island of Chad."                        
                                                            
11586 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



"If you love me, you'll take me away                        
From this farm that's all work and no play,                 
To a place by the sea;                                      
Just us, you and me,                                        
We'll party all night, sleep all day.                       
                                                            
11587 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



On the sandy beach and in the sun,                          
We'll swim and play and have such fun;                      
Frolic and free                                             
And here is the key:                                        
Labor and work?  We'll have none.                           
                                                            
11588 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



It will be a life, life of delight.                         
Our love for each other will burn bright.                   
I'll love you tonight                                       
And the rest of my life,                                    
If you will be my white shining knight.                     
                                                            
11589 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



The next morning, right after chores,                       
My lover and I slipped out the door,                        
Away from the farm                                          
To a land of charm.                                         
We headed for the blue water shores.                        
                                                            
11590 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



We traveled light, not a bag was in sight;                  
Bought a ticket on the very next flight.                    
Our plans supposed                                          
We wouldn't need clothes.                                   
We are on the beach before midnight.                        
                                                            
11591 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



Two months later, on the Isle of Chad,                      
Now we are both quite a bit sad.                            
Sand in our hair.                                           
There's sand everywhere;                                    
Our sunburned skin is really quite bad.                     
                                                            
11592 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



We laze every day with no glee,                             
With only the sun, sand and the sea.                        
There is no stimulation;                                    
I'll say without hesitation,                                
It's a boring life, to the Nth degree.                      
                                                            
11593 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



This life of ease we soon outgrew;                          
The love of my life became a shrew.                         
Bitchin' and kickin',                                       
Sand she is flickin'.                                       
She says I'm the cause of her mood blue.                    
                                                            
11594 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



I'll take her back, back to the farm.                       
Back to farm, with all of its charm.                        
The plow and the cow                                        
Look very good now.                                         
We'll go back and repair all the harm.                      
                                                            
11595 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Liam na Baeg             



Bob Schumann was one of life's geeks,                       
Not blessed with the best of physiques.                     
And so, to win Clara,                                       
That fine avis rara,                                        
Took quite a large number of weeks.                         
                                                            
11596 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Jim Weaver Collection    



Remember when nearly sixteen,                               
On your very first date as a teen,                          
At the movies?  If yes,                                     
Then I bet you can't guess                                  
What was shown on the cinema screen.                        
                                                            
11597 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Peter Wilkins            



A man who would woo a fair maid,                            
He should 'prentice himself to the trade                    
And study all day                                           
In methodical ways,                                         
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.                       
                                                            
11598 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       W. S. Gilbert            



One cannot express the elation                              
Of flying off on a vacation,                                
And finding the locals                                      
(The nice ones, not yokels)                                 
Engaging oneself in flirtation.                             
                                                            
11599 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Millicent Friendly       



My dear, you are full of delights!                          
You light up my days (and my nights!)                       
With the sweet things you do;                               
But I have to warn you...                                   
I'm a little terrified of heights.                          
                                                            
11600 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER                                



Spring is when thoughts of a guy                            
Turn to beautiful, bouncy, or shy                           
And demure little lasses                                    
With cute little asses,                                     
Who giggle and wiggle on by.                                
                                                            
11601 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Peter Wilkins            



Hey guys, if your sweetie feels low,                        
Affection is what you should show;                          
A personal gift                                             
Will give her a lift;                                       
Go buy her a rake or a hoe.                                 
                                                            
11602 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Travis Brasell           



My boyfriend is covered with hair                           
And therefore he's never quite bare.                        
But he's awfully sweet,                                     
So cute and so neat,                                        
That I think that we make quite a pair.                     
                                                            
11603 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Toast Point              



Apparently shy is young Frankie,                            
Oft saucily dropping her hanky.                             
Such actions flirtatious                                    
Though, hid a voracious                                     
Desire for more intimate panky.                             
                                                            
11604 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Peter Wilkins            



It's usually done near Bill Rickett,                        
And he never offers to pick it                              
Up; she'll bend over                                        
And in the style a la rover,                                
He'll locate her pussy and stick it.                        
                                                            
11605 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Tiddy                    



Been saying it time and again;                              
That falling in love is a pain.                             
But one hint of romance                                     
And my heart starts to dance,                               
So I'm damned if I'll ever refrain.                         
                                                            
11606 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER                                



Phil Pickle was quadragenarious,                            
Still single, and not temerarious;                          
When a mild mid-life fling                                  
Wound him tight as a spring,                                
His coworkers found it hilarious.                           
                                                            
11607 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Gail Koontz              



There was a young man from the West,                        
Who loved a young girl with much zest.                      
So hard did he press her                                    
To make her say, "Yes, sir,"                                
He broke three cigars in his vest.                          
                                                            
11608 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER                                



"I do love you; I love you beaucoups.                       
If you marry me, come to Peru.                              
I have lots of dough                                        
And a home in Bordeau.                                      
I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do!"                                
                                                            
11609 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Al Willis                



There was a young lady of Denbigh,                          
Who wrote to her confindante, "Nota Bene.                   
I don't mean to try                                         
To be married, not I,                                       
But where can the eyes of the men be?"                      
                                                            
11610 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Punch 1863        (Bibby)



With rates of divorce at their height                       
And friends living-in left and right,                       
How can folks still deceive                                 
Themselves and believe                                      
That they're bound to meet Mr./Ms. Right?                   
                                                            
11611 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       A. N. Wilkins       P9102



Darling I just cannot wait                                  
For our next passionate date;                               
But my knees, I fear,                                       
Are knocking, my dear,                                      
And I wish my pulse would abate.                            
                                                            
11612 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Peter J Wilkins     P9807



If you use the feather duster,                              
You'll get me all in a fluster.                             
So light a candle                                           
Of scented sandal-                                          
Wood; strength I will need to muster                        
                                                            
11613 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Peter J Wilkins     P9807



There was an old lady named Fran,                           
Whose hobby was catching a man.                             
With her tricks and her wiles,                              
Sparkling eyes and nice smiles,                             
She keeps at it although she's a gran!                      
                                                            
11614 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Arthur Pattaffy          



I love a sweet Punjabi Rani                                 
Who worships my sri lingam (my johnnie)                     
And digs huge phalanges                                     
That flow like the Ganges.                                  
(Forgive me if you're Pakistani.)                           
                                                            
11615 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       H Whelchel               



There was an old maid from Tangiers;                        
She hadn't been dated for years.                            
At a charity fete                                           
She was asked for a date;                                   
In her mind she gave three hearty cheers!                   
                                                            
11616 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Arthur Pattaffy          



A young mountain lad name of Horton                         
Once called on his gal for some courtin'.                   
She had doused with perfume                                 
Labeled "Hill-Billy's Doom",                                
And he stood there just pantin' and snortin'.               
                                                            
11617 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Albin Chaplin 3024  G0095



When chatting up girlies named Kate                         
And hoping for more than a date,                            
Some chocolates and wine                                    
Will often work fine.                                       
If that's not enough, pearls are great!                     
                                                            
11618 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Archie                   



He courted a Sunday school teacher;                         
His well-practiced line didn't reach her;                   
She said he must wed her                                    
Before he could bed her.                                    
He'll spring for a ring and a preacher.                     
                                                            
11619 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Gail Koontz              



Denise had a problem with men.                              
She never knows which one or when                           
She ought to pursue,                                        
So she puts herself through                                 
A crisis again and again.                                   
                                                            
11620 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Larry Dahl               



I remember a date long ago                                  
With a girl having looks just so-so,                        
But her brains and her wit                                  
And her sheer mental grit,                                  
Excited me, God! You don't know!!                           
                                                            
11621 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER                                



A young man of football physique,                           
His heart was exceedingly weak.                             
While he much loved a maid,                                 
He was so afraid                                            
That he hadn't the courage to speak.                        
                                                            
11622 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Anon                     



You rich guys, who seek trophy wife,                        
To enhance a few years of your life,                        
For a fee, we will function                                 
To provide introduction --                                  
But do not promise freedom from strife.                     
                                                            
11623 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Dr Limerick              



Ladies, if it works as it should,                           
You two should stay married for good --                     
Until death do you part,                                    
Then the real fun will start,                               
When disinherited kids file suit.                           
                                                            
11624 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Dr Limerick              



When Valentine's day comes around,                          
All the pent-up sentiments abound.                          
They send flowers and cards                                 
With words from the Bards                                   
In hopes that true love can be found!                       
                                                            
11625 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Ystap              TP9802



I'm backwards, there's something amiss;                     
I meet men who seem princes and kiss                        
Them -- they turn into frogs,                               
The S.O.B. dogs!                                            
Am I crazy, to keep seeking bliss?                          
                                                            
11626 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Tamara Alibeckoff        



Forgive me, friends, if I unload;                           
Not every Ex was a toad.                                    
And the nasty one's gaffe's,                                
May yet make for good laughs,                               
Further down on this limerick road.                         
                                                            
11627 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Tamara Alibeckoff        



I think that the key, in the end,                           
To love is to love a good friend.                           
Lust is sublime                                             
But friendship in time,                                     
Will all of your troubles transcend.                        
                                                            
11628 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Karen                    



A girl who had two left feet                                
Loved a man she just happened to meet;                      
She told him her plight,                                    
But his feet were all right,                                
And it made their union complete.                           
                                                            
11629 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Anon                     



There was a young fellow called Pringle                     
Who desperately wished to stay single.                      
But as soon as he saw                                       
One young lady, or more,                                    
He was filled with a strong urge to mingle.                 
                                                            
11630 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Michael Palin            



Dear Friend, I write with regret                            
That I showed up too early to pet.                          
So I think I'll just wait                                   
To await my next mate;                                      
And believe me, I wait in a sweat.                          
                                                            
11631 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Baxter Sperry       P0111



If you have found a Prince true,                            
My advice is stick with him like glue!                      
For some other dame,                                        
May see him fair game,                                      
And try to remove him from you!                             
                                                            
11632 CLEAN - COURTING - EAGER       Maggie                   



There was a young fellow from Neath,                        
Took his girl for a walk on the heath.                      
He was a bit tight;                                         
She swung with her right.                                   
Going home, in his hand, a few teeth!                       
                                                            
11633 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



You pious vindictive old fart!                              
Usurping my love from the start.                            
Now you got your wish,                                      
So keep your cold fish,                                     
Because she has broken my heart.                            
                                                            
11634 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Archie                   



"In my youth I resolved, being human,                       
Not to marry," explained Mr. Newman,                        
"Till I'd gone far and wide                                 
In search of a bride                                        
And had finally found the ideal woman."                     
                                                            
11635 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      A. N. Wilkins       P8401



"Not long after my searches began,                          
I found her, according to plan.                             
But my quest was in vain,                                   
As the lady made plain.                                     
She was looking for the perfect man.                        
                                                            
11636 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      A. N. Wilkins       P8405



I no longer want a deep tan.                                
I've no need to catch me a man.                             
Disconcern with my belly                                    
Has turned it to jelly,                                     
And gone is the exercise plan.                              
                                                            
11637 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Anita Manceau-Baddel     



So now is the time we must part;                            
It was never that way at the start.                         
The tears that I cry                                        
Are to wish you goodbye                                     
And to wash you away from my heart.                         
                                                            
11638 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Richard Long             



Their date started out with much laughter,                  
But when she found what he was after,                       
Said "My mother says no.                                    
I'm afraid I must go,                                       
Because what you want, I don't have ter!"                   
                                                            
11639 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



Sarek and Amanda were dating;                               
Amanda was patiently waiting,                               
For signs of romance                                        
Soft words, a slow dance;                                   
What she got was an efficiency rating.                      
                                                            
11640 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



There was a young fellow named Joe                          
Who fancied himself as a beau.                              
But the girl -- it was clear --                             
Had another idea,                                           
Which dealt his big ego a blow!                             
                                                            
11641 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Helen Dowd               



There was a young girl of Glenora;                          
The boys really used to adore her.                          
When they wanted to date her,                               
She'd say, "Go see pater,"                                  
So now they just simply ignore her.                         
                                                            
11642 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      John Blyth               



There once was a little teen boy,                           
Who thought he was very coy.                                
On his first date,                                          
He was truly great.                                         
Too bad she was his sister's toy.                           
                                                            
11643 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Jennifer Morales         



In Illyria, the love-sick Orsino                            
Sighed: "Why is her answer to me, 'No'"                     
A theme he'd rehearse                                       
At length in blank verse --                                 
Not a part, one would think, for Dan Leno.                  
                                                            
11644 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Stanaley J Sharpless     



A man with a wart on his nose,                              
On Valentines day, bought a rose,                           
For a hard-hearted girl,                                    
Who gave not a twirl,                                       
And then slammed the door on his toes.                      
                                                            
11645 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Rande                    



It became very clear to poor Stan;                          
She was wicked and mean by her plan.                        
And she had, so to speak,                                   
A very mean streak                                          
Designed to chase away a man.                               
                                                            
11646 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Rande                    



She belonged to a big select clan,                          
Who despised men as, some women can.                        
And he thus understood                                      
Her hard heart was no good.                                 
Had she not smashed his toes, he'd have ran.                
                                                            
11647 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Rande                    



A corpulent maiden named Mary                               
Was greatly enamoured of Harry.                             
But Harry was wise                                          
And wanted no ties;                                         
Told Mary "Your Harry won't tarry."                         
                                                            
11648 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Carol Jensen             



An ostentatiously erudite lawyer,                           
Fell in love with a maid in Hawayer.                        
He begged "Marry me please",                                
(Expressed in pure legalese),                               
So all that he did was annoy her.                           
                                                            
11649 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      James M. Menger     P9501



A man and his ladylove, Min,                                
Skated out where the ice was quite thin,                    
Had a quarrel, no doubt,                                    
For I hear they fell out.                                   
It is lucky they didn't fall in!                            
                                                            
11650 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



I take bets that you've all heard of those                  
Who miss love, though it's biting their nose.               
But it flames their desire;                                 
(They'd climb walls tall and higher)                        
If they can't have the one that they chose.                 
                                                            
11651 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



If you think that at reaching their aim,                    
And the loved one they'd start to proclaim,                 
That they're happy at last --                               
Nope! "I've got it, then -- Blast!                          
'T must be crap, I don't want..." It's a shame.             
                                                            
11652 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



I'm sorry to cause a commotion,                             
But I've trouble combatting emotion,                        
Whenever I'm near you,                                      
Because it is clear you                                     
Are rejection my hopeless devotion.                         
                                                            
11653 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Frankie                  



There once was a guy named Scott,                           
Who thought he was so hot.                                  
Then Jamie dumped him,                                      
And her new boyfriend thumped him;                          
Now, a living Scott, there is not.                          
                                                            
11654 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Brandi Conatser          



A carefree young lad, tall and single,                      
Soon landed a job at Kootingal.                             
But stealing some kisses                                    
From boss's young misses,                                   
Meant transfer to far Stockinbingal.                        
                                                            
11655 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Barbara Chaney           



I was courting a girl from the South                        
With a very kissable mouth.                                 
But my friend from the North                                
Said, "You realithe, of courthe,                            
Theethe built like the thide of a houth.                    
                                                            
11656 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Bill Wall                



A partner in flesh and in mind,                             
Why is that so hard to find?                                
She wants the moon--                                        
He gives up too soon--                                      
Lots of fish in the sea, but what kind?                     
                                                            
11657 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



Said the expert locksmith, Sam Magee,                       
"Just when I thought that I was home free,                  
Having shown I've a bent                                    
For romance, I resent                                       
Being told "Love is laughing at me."                        
                                                            
11658 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      L C Fitzhugh        P0111



There was a young fellow named Larry                        
Who loved a sweet lady named Carrie.                        
He said, "Let us marry."                                    
She replied, "I must tarry;                                 
I also love Tom, Dick and Harry."                           
                                                            
11659 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Tom Kearney         P9805



The rotten and nasty and crass                              
Should get a swift kick in the ass.                         
For gentle and kind                                         
Indeed leaves one blind,                                    
Attracting all lowlife...alas.                              
                                                            
11660 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Abi                      



You're not here for over a week,                            
And your absence forced me to seek                          
A brand new play mate,                                      
From the Lone Star State,                                   
Who's very randy, so to speak.                              
                                                            
11661 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



When their eyes met, they heard violins;                    
He in uniform, she wore crinolines.                         
As they danced the gavotte,                                 
She said, she'd rather not,                                 
And didn't care to hear his mandolins.                      
                                                            
11662 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



You know that I like you a lot,                             
But I think that you wish I did not.                        
So, I'll curb the emotion,                                  
And end the devotion.                                       
My life has such a bad plot!                                
                                                            
11663 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young hot-rod named Larkin,                     
Who asked a young girl to go sparkin'.                      
But her mother said, "No,                                   
I will not let you go,                                      
Till you promise that they'll be no parkin'."               
                                                            
11664 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Albin Chaplin   3024-2657



A meteorologist, Dale,                                      
Met a sugar-plantationer, Gail.                             
But each went their way,                                    
When they never could say,                                  
Whether they were to raise cane or hail.                    
                                                            
11665 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Dennis Hammes            



I was courting a girl from the North;                       
In the sackrace, she had come in fourth.                    
She had a slight lisp,                                      
But her diction was crisp,                                  
When she said, "Get your handth from my drawth!"            
                                                            
11666 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Bill Wall                



There was a young lady named Constance                      
Who, with boys, would not stand any nonsense.               
If her partners grew deft,                                  
She would lead with her left;                               
The results would not weigh on her conscience.              
                                                            
11667 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



As he opened his own front door,                            
The Invisible Man still swore.                              
The words that she said                                     
Yet rang in his head...                                     
"I just can't see you any more."                            
                                                            
11668 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



Said a certain young lass of Port Huon,                     
"I've got no time for billin' and cooin'."                  
When a local boy said,                                      
"Can we get wed?"                                           
She curtly replied, "Nothin' doin'."                        
                                                            
11669 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      John Blyth               



While out with a couple of Blues,                           
I didn't know which one to choose;                          
The one with the squint                                     
Or the one with the splint.                                 
I've had both.  I've got nothing to lose.                   
                                                            
11670 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Bill Wall                



A teen-ager from Georgia, named Buzz,                       
Had a chin that was covered with fuzz.                      
He asked Pam to a dance,                                    
She said, "Not a chance,                                    
You're no peach and you never was."                         
                                                            
11671 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Ron Sartain              



A naive young girl straight from Bombay,                    
To a boy never knew what to say.                            
When out with a boyfriend,                                  
It was really the end,                                      
When her chaperone said he was gay!                         
                                                            
11672 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



When Augustus Fitzgibbon Moran,                             
Told his love to Maria McCann,                              
He cleared the front stoop,                                 
With a yell and a whoop,                                    
Just ahead of her father's brogan.                          
                                                            
11673 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



Long ago in the days of my youth                            
To my date I was very uncouth.                              
"Pull my finger," I said,                                   
But she kicked me instead                                   
In the groin!  And it hurt!  That's the truth.              
                                                            
11674 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Kent B. Hake        P9608



A man loved a gal named Bundy,                              
Who came from the Bay of Fundy.                             
But to his despair,                                         
She gave him the air.                                       
Sic transit gloria mundi.                                   
                                                            
11675 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Jim Weaver Collection    



He said, "You have such lovely eyes;"                       
"Tell me more." she said in between sighs,                  
To cool down her passion.                                   
He said, "That's your ration!"                              
So she kicked him hard, as a surprise!                      
                                                            
11676 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



In the shadow of a waxing moon,                             
For my ex-lover, I mournfully croon.                        
Early last May                                              
Was her wedding day;                                        
She's a bride, but I wasn't a groom.                        
                                                            
11677 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Jeff Bagley              



I thought I'd marry a brunette                              
With a name like Yvonne or Yvette.                          
But the girl of my dreams                                   
Was a psychic, it seems.                                    
She left me, before we had met!                             
                                                            
11678 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Friar               T9801



There was a young girl, Daisy Mae,                          
To a lad, didn't know what to say.                          
She would not make a date,                                  
But just sat down to wait.                                  
She's been sitting there many a day.                        
                                                            
11679 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow named Pringle                      
With cash in his pockets to jingle.                         
Said his girl, "We'll have fun --                           
Two live cheaply as one."                                   
But he said, "It's worth more to be single."                
                                                            
11680 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Albin Chaplin   3024-2754



A young girl that I knew, I called Carrie                   
Heard the song, "Let him go, let him tarry."                
Her young man at the church                                 
She left standing at the lurch.                             
She's still looking for someone to marry.                   
                                                            
11681 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



A cat burglar called Nick O'Shea                            
Realized that crime doesn't pay,                            
When an ugly old bat                                        
With her hair in a plait                                    
Begged him to take her away.                                
                                                            
11682 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Funfax Limericks         



Ike's fiancee said, "Want a mink?"                          
She gave him no time for a think.                           
"Full length and the best;                                  
Not just brief for my chest."                               
Ike said "You'd better talk to your shrink!"                
                                                            
11683 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Arthur Pattaffy          



He thought that a date was his right,                       
And trying to be so polite,                                 
I declined with a shake,                                    
A manner quite fake;                                        
"Thanks, but I wash my hair tonight."                       
                                                            
11684 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Azul                     



There was a young maid from Japan                           
Who no one was prettier than.                               
If wooed by a suitor                                        
Whose suit did not suit her,                                
She waived him away with her fan.                           
                                                            
11685 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT      Laurence Perrine    P9407



I got her a lovely bouquet.                                 
"The label I'll read if I may.."                            
She did; came the tears,                                    
And a box of my ears,                                       
As she read: "Rest in peace, Auntie Fay."                   
                                                            
11686 CLEAN - COURTING - REJECT                               



There was an old person named Stout,                        
Who aimlessly wandered about.                               
He would drop in and say                                    
In a vague sort of way,                                     
"Do excuse me.  I'm just going out."                        
                                                            
11687 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Mark Wainwright          



A gentleman from Waterloo,                                  
Had nothing whatever to do.   (This kind of stupid,         
He sat on the stairs,          ridiculous, wishy-washy,     
And counted his hairs,         bullshitty, parody will give 
And found he had seventy-two.  limericks a bad name - McW)  
                                                            
11688 CLEAN - CRAZY                                           



An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings                 
Were a terrible trial to his siblings,                      
But he was not removed                                      
Till one day it was proved                                  
That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.          
                                                            
11689 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Edward Gorey             



The cost of the American dollar                             
Makes all us Canadians holler,                              
"It just isn't fair                                         
That ours goes nowhere                                      
But down, while theirs is so much taller."                  
                                                            
11690 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Louise Halperin     P8301



There once was a fellow called Doyle                        
Who covered up people with soil                             
Long before they were dead --                               
Which made them see red                                     
And bring placid chaps to a boil.                           
                                                            
11691 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Michael Palin            



A compulsive young maniac called Pete,                      
Was obsessed with malatreating his feet.                    
He'd plunge them in SPAM                                    
Till they looked like a ham,                                
Then dance all the way down his street.                     
                                                            
11692 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Mike O'Conner            



A gravedigger's helper named Maddox                         
Was obsessed with an urge to ride haddocks.                 
He made little paddles                                      
And waterproof saddles,                                     
But the fish never stayed in the paddocks.                  
                                                            
11693 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Michael Palin            



A thoughtful old man of Lahore,                             
When a subject was getting a bore,                          
Would wisely arrange                                        
Conversation to change                                      
By falling in fits on the floor                             
                                                            
11694 CLEAN - CRAZY                  C. Harris                



There once was a lady named Jude,                           
Who was such an impeccable prude,                           
That she pulled down the blind,                             
When changing her mind,                                     
Lest a curious eye should intrude.                          
                                                            
11695 CLEAN - CRAZY                                           



Having made a remark rather coarse,                         
A young lady was seized with remorse.                       
She fled from the room,                                     
And later, a groom                                          
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.                         
(gorse - junipers)                                          
11696 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Edward Gorey             



A disasterous old man of the States,                        
Inadvertently smashed all his plates.                       
He knocked over a chair,                                    
And ignited his hair,                                       
And mislaid a whole truckload of crates.                    
                                                            
11697 CLEAN - CRAZY                                           



My VISA!  Oh no, it's expired!                              
A car thief...my car is hotwired!                           
I'll walk home very broke                                   
And then I'll see smoke,                                    
"My house!" and then my boss says "You're fired!"           
                                                            
11698 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Magunda                  



There was a young fellow named Marty,                       
Who often behaved like a smarty.                            
He rolled up his pants                                      
And shouted, "Let's dance!"                                 
When he joined the Republican Party.                        
                                                            
11699 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Cyber Geezer             



A man called O'Hara one day                                 
And decided he'd make the world pay.                        
He wrote down his plan                                      
To destroy every man--                                      
But the wind came and blew it away.                         
                                                            
11700 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Michael Palin            



There once was a guy from L.A.                              
He planted flowers in May.                                  
He watered them lots                                        
And tied them in knots,                                     
And threw them into the bay!                                
                                                            
11701 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Danielle B.              



In Melbourne there was this mad guy,                        
Thought he was immortal -- can't die.                       
He wielded a sword,                                         
And prayed to the Lord,                                     
"Please don't skoosh pepper spray in my eye!"               
                                                            
11702 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A florist named Michael P. Sweazy                           
Was known to be a bit crazy.                                
He'd expect you to pay                                      
For his silly bouquet                                       
Of a rose and a large Shasta daisy.                         
                                                            
11703 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Bob Birch           P9803



Marsha, where I am, I can't hack It;                        
So I'll grab what I need and I'll pack it.                  
Then during the night                                       
I'll try to take flight,                                    
If I can just can undo my straight-jacket.                  
                                                            
11704 CLEAN - CRAZY                                           



A timid young woman named Jane                              
Found parties a terrible strain.                            
With movements uncertain                                    
She'd hide in the curtain                                   
And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.                      
                                                            
11705 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Edward Gorey             



A shy lady was driven to tears                              
By her own uncontrollable fears.                            
She said, "Naming each kind                                 
Would tax my poor mind,                                     
And require a number of years."                             
                                                            
11706 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Vincent Torre       P9406



There was a young girl of Asturias,                         
Whose temper was frantic and furious.                       
She used to throw eggs                                      
At her grandmother's legs--                                 
A habit unpleasant, but curious.                            
                                                            
11707 CLEAN - CRAZY                                           



At whist drives and strawberry teas,                        
Fran would giggle and show off her knees;                   
But when she was alone                                      
She'd drink eau de cologne,                                 
And weep from a sense of unease.                            
                                                            
11708 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Edward Gorey             



An indefatigable woman name Bavel                           
Had often occasion to travel.                               
On the way she would sit                                    
And furiously knit,                                         
And on the way back she'd unravel.                          
                                                            
11709 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Edward Gorey             



A nutty old banker named Fender,                            
On a pyromaniacal bender,                                   
Torching money with glee,                                   
Felt the judge would agree                                  
He was just burning legal tinder.                           
                                                            
11710 CLEAN - CRAZY                  Cyber Geezer             



"Early to bed and early to rise                             
Keeps one healthy, wealthy and wise."                       
But sleeping in late                                        
Makes me feel great.                                        
I don't listen when some folks advise.                      
                                                            
11711 CLEAN - EXERCISE               Gearhart                 



Some favor a sturdy pedestrian,                             
Others rather would have an equestrian.                     
Some don't need fancy tricks                                
To enjoy their good kicks,                                  
Which they find upon any terrestrian.                       
                                                            
11712 CLEAN - EXERCISE               Bill Backe-Hansen   P9305



A hammock is really sublime,                                
To relax in a nice sunny clime.                             
To walk is my pleasure,                                     
And read at my leisure,                                     
Except that I don't have the time!                          
                                                            
11713 CLEAN - EXERCISE               Al Willis           T9711



"Early to bed and to rise,                                  
Keeps one healthy, and wise."                               
But sleeping-in late                                        
Makes me feel great;                                        
I don't listen to what some advise.                         
                                                            
11714 CLEAN - EXERCISE               Gearhart                 



A man who climbed steeples and towers,                      
Was chided for wasting his powers                           
In pointless pursuits.                                      
He said, "Sometimes the fruits                              
Aren't tasted for hours and hours."                         
                                                            
11715 CLEAN - EXERCISE               Vincent Torre       P9406



There once was a man from Manila                            
Who christened his young son Attila.                        
It was only in fun --                                       
But he grew up a Hun,                                       
Renowned through the world as a killer.                     
                                                            
11716 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Michael Palin            



The case of the bruise or contusion                         
Imposed, through a hapless confusion                        
Of people, on Fred,                                         
But intended instead                                        
For one Bert, and the matter's conclusion.                  
                                                            
11717 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Anon                     



A nasty young person called Bert                            
Had a brother named Fred, who was hurt                      
By a fellow who thought                                     
He was Bert, but was taught                                 
By this error to be more alert.                             
                                                            
11718 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



A Puritan preacher from Cheltenham,                         
Who loves to stone sinners by pelting 'em,                  
Cried, "Those without vice                                  
Can cast even twice;                                        
The rest, grab a stick and start belting 'em."              
                                                            
11719 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Armand E Singer       765



There was a young broker from Kew                           
Who was talked into sniffing some glue.                     
Then the hustler was high,                                  
He decided to try                                           
A spectacular run on ECU.  (old name for Euro)              
                                                            
11720 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Sepp Weidacher           



A chap they all call Aloysius,                              
Of his wife and a friend grew suspicious.                   
Quicker than you'd think,                                   
He found them by the sink,                                  
But they were only doing the dishes.                        
                                                            
11721 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Mervyn Cripps            



I've been trying to think of a theme,                       
About which the words would just stream.                    
But creative, I'm not,                                      
So I could learn a lot                                      
From Enron's old auditing scheme.                           
(Enron accounting and auditing made for bankruptcy 2002)    
11722 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Hans                     



While browsing for relics historic,                         
A new wife became simply euphoric!                          
For she'd seen an old vase,                                 
And it lit up her face!                                     
It was rubber-stamped "genuine Doric".                      
                                                            
11723 CLEAN - IMMORAL                                         



A package marked "Handle With Care!";                       
The label became my private dare.                           
Banged, battered and bashed,                                
With bureaucracy clashed;                                   
Had it been safe, this would have been rare.                
                                                            
11724 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



That James is one hell of a guy;                            
He can look you right square in the eye,                    
And feed you his bull                                       
Till you are really full,                                   
'Cause he's mastered the Art of the Lie.                    
                                                            
11725 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Bob Leclerc              



There was a young man from Berlin                           
Who had prayed that Hitler would win.                       
Now he's cleaning the shoes                                 
Of the Golders Green Jews.                                  
Have they got it in for him!                                
                                                            
11726 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Spike Mulligan           



A Puritan father named Wyeth,                               
Accused of a sin he denieth,                                
Admits that forsooth                                        
To tell the whole truth.                                    
He sure as hell constantly tryeth.                          
                                                            
11727 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Armand E Singer       452



In her job, Mrs. Burford was smug.                          
If things went awry, she would shrug                        
And remark, "Why the haste                                  
To remove toxic waste?                                      
Let's sweep is all under the rug."                          
                                                            
11728 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Isadore Lippman     P8304



In business, rules tended to blur;                          
Strange happenings came to occur.                           
When the shit hit the fan,                                  
Somehow I was the man                                       
To whom all the blame would refer.                          
                                                            
11729 CLEAN - IMMORAL                L E Ott             P0206



In Canada folks are now wise                                
That our Crude Barons and their Oil Guys                    
Plan to, just for a start,                                  
Rip our wild lands apart,                                   
And lay claim to the Ignoble Prize.                         
                                                            
11730 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



Since now I must make true confession--                     
I've been guilty of every transgression:                    
Oppression, obsession,                                      
Agression, possession,                                      
And, last but not least, indescretion.                      
                                                            
11731 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Laurence Perrine    P9305



If there's one thing that people dislike...                 
Never call them a fag or a dyke.                            
Plus the "N" word's taboo.                                  
And when you see a Jew,                                     
For heaven's sake, never say 'Kike."                        
                                                            
11732 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Bic Willis         TP9807



My neighbor's a very strange feller;                        
He makes some strange noise in his cellar.                  
There are those grunts and groans                           
And terrible moans,                                         
And all of his kids have turned yeller.                     
                                                            
11733 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Tony Burrell             



When I'm troubled and call 911,                             
I expect some fast service, bar none.                       
But I got an airhead                                        
And this the voice said:                                    
"If someone was killed, please press one."                  
                                                            
11734 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Al Willis                



Folks 'round these parts call me "Professor;"               
In all games of chance, I's the bes', sir;                  
Be it card-games or dice,                                   
You'll be fleeced in a trice,                               
So leave some loose change on yo' dresser...                
                                                            
11735 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Robin K. Willoughby P8503



There's a Portuguese person named Howell,                   
Who lays on his lies with a trowel;                         
Should he give over lying,                                  
'Twill be when he's dying,                                  
For living is lying with Howell.                            
                                                            
11736 CLEAN - IMMORAL                                         



Congress did pass a decree                                  
That said: "Any sick or dead tree                           
Could be chopped with an axe                                
And bought without tax                                      
By our friends, the lumber companies."                      
                                                            
11737 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Megarator                



But now, here's the sinister trick:                         
Who's to decide which tree's sick?                          
The Forest Service can mark                                 
Whole areas of any park                                     
Without threat from consevationist hicks!                   
                                                            
11738 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Megarator                



The rights sold on the forest auction block;                
Of value , we can never take stock.                         
The highest bidder was free                                 
To log every tree.                                          
Only sick ones? That was a crock.                           
                                                            
11739 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Megarator                



Why would they do this evil deed?                           
The answer: corruption and greed.                           
All dollars made                                            
From this unequal trade,                                    
The departmental budget would feed.                         
                                                            
11740 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Megarator                



Why would Clinton sign such a pact?                         
Gore is known for environment tact?                         
Makes no sense to me,                                       
But now all can see                                         
He is by no means a Green Democrat.                         
                                                            
11741 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Megarator                



We all mourn our heritage lost                              
And what gain was made for such cost?                       
Campaign purses were fed                                    
By Special Interests in bed                                 
And the public's best interest got tossed.                  
                                                            
11742 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Megarator                



In numerous tete-a-tete sessions                            
We indulged in mutual confessions.                          
The two of us vying                                         
By boasting and lying                                       
To have made the more sordid transgressions.                
                                                            
11743 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Laurence Perrine    P9306



From the West to the fabulous East,                         
Lies the natural world (used to at least).                  
Look for forest or den,                                     
In zoo, farm, or pen;                                       
Now it's Man that is really the beast.                      
                                                            
11744 CLEAN - IMMORAL                E O Parrot               



There was an anarchist from Maine;                          
Many people thought him insane.                             
As he lit up the flag,                                      
That nasty, shit-rag,                                       
He'd tell of the masses in pain.                            
                                                            
11745 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Langston                 



There was a young man from Atlanta,                         
Who once heated up a decanter.                              
The decanter fell down                                      
And burned up a town,                                       
And that is enough of this banter.                          
                                                            
11746 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



A young shipping clerk from Port Said                       
Was found with his arms and legs tied                       
Inside an old trunk                                         
That belonged to a monk,                                    
To whom, for advice, he'd applied.                          
                                                            
11747 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Michael Palin            



I once owned a pig that could fly;                          
Ronald Reagan is witty and spry;                            
Rocks do not fall;                                          
Love conquers all;                                          
Life's a puppy dog; you don't die.                          
                                                            
11748 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Beelzebub          TP9806



A girl stole a ring from a Quilt                            
And the theft had been proved to the hilt;                  
"Discharged," she was told,                                 
"It was made of pure gold,                                  
And thus there was no sign of guilt."                       
                                                            
11749 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Bill Backe-Hansen   P9206



Big cities are reeking with grief;                          
A haven for rapist and thief.                               
And designed in a way                                       
So that half of us pay                                      
To maintain all the rest on relief.                         
                                                            
11750 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Albin Chaplin 3024  G2360



A nasty old man of Cologne,                                 
Purchased all of his pastry by phone.                       
When they sent him a muffin,                                
He got all in a huff 'n                                     
Insisted he'd ordered a scone.                              
                                                            
11751 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Dogbard                  



Teenage Joanie has arrogant airs,                           
And her favorite expression's "Who cares?"                  
She is known for her lip                                    
And is rumored to rip                                       
All the DON'T REMOVE tags from new chairs.                  
                                                            
11752 CLEAN - IMMORAL                William N. Nesbitt  P9601



There was a young person of Bateman's                       
Who was guarded in most of her statements.                  
When they asked: "Where's you Pa?"                          
She said: "Out in his car."                                 
Whereas he really was at Bateman's.                         
                                                            
11753 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Rudyard Kipling     P8903



An inexact lad, Alexander,                                  
Once called an old lady a gander;                           
Said she, "You mean 'goose',                                
I'll not stand such abuse,"                                 
And took out a summons for slander.                         
                                                            
11754 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Langford Reed     (Bibby)



As the circus was quite an event,                           
When it came to town, all of us went.                       
They had a great show,                                      
"But the best part," said Joe,                              
"Was sneaking in under the tent."                           
                                                            
11755 CLEAN - IMMORAL                A. N. Wilkins       P8711



Time was when all news traveled late,                       
And for lies every man had to wait.                         
But inventions by Bell                                      
Have been used very well                                    
To spread lies at an increasing rate.                       
                                                            
11756 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2661



A group of punk rockers from Cheltenham                     
Composed filthy songs and loved belting 'em.                
This pissed off the blokes                                  
That hate dirty jokes,                                      
Who, grabbing big stones, began pelting 'em.                
                                                            
11757 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Armand E Singer      765A



A fellow whose spiritual growth                             
Was arrested prematurely in both;                           
His perception of truth                                     
And the fleeting of youth                                   
Turned to avarice, lust, envy, and sloth.                   
                                                            
11758 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Arthur J. Deex      P9602



At the modern U.S. university                               
They've outlawed all talk of perversity.                    
What was just tolerated                                     
Is now celebrated,                                          
In the new world of moral diversity.                        
                                                            
11759 CLEAN - IMMORAL                                         



There once was a liar named Sue,                            
Who would fib in her poetry, too.                           
Should she venture to say,                                  
"A young gentile named Ray,"                                
You can bet he was really a Jew.                            
                                                            
11760 CLEAN - IMMORAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



A jolly old fellow called Boakes                            
Knew five thousand eight hundred jokes,                     
Which, ranging from bad                                     
To the dismally sad,                                        
He tried out on helpless old folks.                         
                                                            
11761 CLEAN - JOKES                  Michael Palin            



A great crastinator is Joe;                                 
He'll crastinate each place he'll go.                       
Expert do it later,                                         
Superb hesitator,                                           
Among crastinators, a pro.                                  
                                                            
11762 CLEAN - JOKES                  Irving Superior     P8811



A myopic bird-watcher named Fleegle,                        
Found a bird that thought a sick seagull,                   
Which he took to the zoo,                                   
They said, "This is taboo,                                  
It can't stay here, it's an ill eagle."                     
                                                            
11763 CLEAN - JOKES                  Bob Giandomenico    P9502



I look bad when I wake up, I do.                            
And resemble a gnu with the flu.                            
My breath, like a swine's,                                  
Armpits, unrefined.                                         
May I ask, did you just get up, too?                        
                                                            
11764 CLEAN - JOKES                  Al Willis                



No, I didn't, you raunchy old fart,                         
And your jibe cuts me right to the heart.                   
I look, smell this way                                      
For the whole of the day,                                   
And I end up the way that I start.                          
                                                            
11765 CLEAN - JOKES                  John Patrick Riley       



At a cheerleading contest one day                           
In Flatbush, the Lords led the way.                         
From the baron of "rah"                                     
Through the duke of "huzzah"                                
To the prize-winning Oil of Olay.                           
                                                            
11766 CLEAN - JOKES                  Chris Doyle         P9410



Why were cops very quick to surprise                        
Hungry burglars who ate corn and fries?                     
'Cause wherever they'd been,                                
They'd be heard and seen;                                   
Corn has ears; potatoes have eyes!                          
                                                            
11767 CLEAN - JOKES                  Prof M-G                 



There was an old puzzler, Ben Ross,                         
Who died--doing crosswords, of course.                      
He was buried, poor Ben,                                    
With eraser and pen                                         
In a box, six feet down, three across.                      
                                                            
11768 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



When Old MacDonald grew too old,                            
It was to me his farm he sold.                              
So, loyalty unswerving,                                     
Let's sing, "Old Man Irving                                 
Has a farm --E I E I O."                                    
                                                            
11769 CLEAN - JOKES                  Irving Superior     P9011



Mrs. Malaprop said, "I'm by far                             
More fulfilled since I have left ajar                       
The door to more learning;                                  
To class I'm returning                                      
Enrolled In an Eng. Lit. Samovar."                          
                                                            
11770 CLEAN - JOKES                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



The fair sex is men; I declare.                             
They use common sense and they care.                        
Instead of revealing,                                       
The girls keep concealing:                                  
Who said that the women are Fair?                           
                                                            
11771 CLEAN - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A women on welfare named Gahms                              
Has studied the reading of palms.                           
Her income now ample,                                       
She set an example                                          
From welfare to Farewell to Alms.                           
                                                            
11772 CLEAN - JOKES                  Irving Superior     P8609



When Gary the gardener grew peas,                           
He had this remarkable wheeze.                              
"If I plant them with ice                                   
It will be very nice.                                       
They'll grow frozen, so no need to freeze."                 
                                                            
11773 CLEAN - JOKES                  Funfax Limericks         



"Doc, can I read with these glasses?"                       
"Of course! Read your books by the masses!"                 
"Oh gee, that is swell,                                     
Illiteracy is hell...                                       
Now I'll finally pass those damn classes!"                  
                                                            
11774 CLEAN - JOKES                  TuttaGioia               



There was a young fellow named Byron                        
Who finally loved his last siren.                           
This renowned artisan                                       
Was now flat on his pan.                                    
He had too many fires for his iron.                         
                                                            
11775 CLEAN - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin            



A fellow who lived on the Rhine,                            
Saw some fish on which he wished to dine.                   
But how to invite them?                                     
He said, "I will write them!"                               
He sat down and dropped them a line.                        
                                                            
11776 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



A flea once lived on a pheasant                             
Who was royally vain and unpleasant.                        
Till the flea, on a whim,                                   
Bit the 'h' out of him;                                     
And now he is only a peasant.                               
                                                            
11777 CLEAN - JOKES                  Lois J. Lambie      P9003



"What makes you think Admiral Lear                          
Is a man who can run fast, my dear?"                        
He inquired of his wife.                                    
She answered, "In Life,                                     
It calls him 'Fleet Admiral' here."                         
                                                            
11778 CLEAN - JOKES                  A. N. Wilkins       P8508



An old time comedian named Bertie                           
Had a routine some thought rather dirty.                    
For six days each week,                                     
He was known for his cheek,                                 
But seven nights a week he was flirty!                      
                                                            
11779 CLEAN - JOKES                  Arthur Pattaffy          



I invited best friend for a plate.                          
"You'll foot the bill" said my mate.                        
Three courses and wine                                      
Were pleasantly fine,                                       
But bill by the foot was the rate.                          
                                                            
11780 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



Because of graffiti, a curfew,                              
And soon the proud "authors" refer to                       
The curfew -- a breech                                      
Of freedom of speech.                                       
They curfew graffiti "furc you."                            
                                                            
11781 CLEAN - JOKES                  Irving Superior          



An intrepid explorer named Bliss                            
Fell into a gorge or abyss,                                 
But remarked as he fell:                                    
"Oh I might just as well                                    
Get to the bottom of this..."                               
                                                            
11782 CLEAN - JOKES                  A. M. Bodecker      P8911



Our Herbie just did homicide;                               
They say he has no place to hide.                           
He murdered ten bugs                                        
And then seven slugs;                                       
That's why he is called Herbie Cide.                        
                                                            
11783 CLEAN - JOKES                  Al Willis           T9801



Said a zealous young student named Coles,                   
"As we always term Polish folk 'Poles',                     
I am more than inclined,                                    
With my logical mind,                                       
To designate Holland's sons 'Holes'".                       
                                                            
11784 CLEAN - JOKES                  F. C. Wilson             



Faith and Charity's Mom kept a journal                      
In which she wrote memories maternal.                       
Like the time, just for kicks,                              
The girls glued pogo sticks                                 
To their sister -- now Hope springs eternal!                
                                                            
11785 CLEAN - JOKES                  Stef Spad                



A noted philosopher Rand                                    
Took a butcher knife into his hand,                         
Sliced a horse clean in two                                 
And from this did construe:                                 
A horse that's divided can't stand.                         
                                                            
11786 CLEAN - JOKES                  Al Chaplin          P9206



If you have a cow and a calf,                               
Which will count for a sow and a half,                      
Now if each has fore legs                                   
In front of two more legs,                                  
How long is a ten-foot giraffe?                             
(How long is not a giraffe, How Long is a Chinese boy.)     
11787 CLEAN - JOKES                                      P8705



A lady from Louth with a lisp                               
Liked her sausages especially crisp.                        
But in trying to say                                        
That she liked them that way,                               
She covered her friends in a mitht.                         
                                                            
11788 CLEAN - JOKES                  Michael Palin            



An IRS agent ought not be                                   
A menace to every audit-ee.                                 
He's normal like you                                        
But when day is through,                                    
He must be in bed by 1040.                                  
                                                            
11789 CLEAN - JOKES                  Irving Superior     P9705



A crazy old man named O'Keefe,                              
Who caused local farmers much grief.                        
To their cows he would run,                                 
Cut their legs off for fun,                                 
And say, "I have invented ground beef!"                     
                                                            
11790 CLEAN - JOKES                  Scott Hendricks          



If Knott's Berry Farm merged with NOW,                      
It would have no effect on the Dow.                         
Their PR  would suck;                                       
It would not bring them luck.                               
The named of the new firm: Knott NOW                        
(NOW - National Organization of Women)                      
11791 CLEAN - JOKES                  Al Willis          TP9806



A financial advisor named Chance                            
Gave his clients one tip in advance:                        
"If you stumble on wealth                                   
By luck or by stealth,                                      
Don't bank it. Just leave it to Chance."                    
                                                            
11792 CLEAN - JOKES                  Laurence Perrine    P8511



"In Athens what caused the delay                            
With the first marble building?" asked Jay.                 
"The trouble they had,                                      
I suppose," said his dad,                                   
"Was that they kept rolling away."                          
                                                            
11793 CLEAN - JOKES                  A. N. Wilkins       P8508



I offer a riddle for spring                                 
That is really the silliest thing.                          
If April showers                                            
Bring May flowers,                                          
Tell me what May flowers bring?                             
( Pilgrims )                                                
11794 CLEAN - JOKES                  Dark Poet NY             



If many gooses are geese,                                   
Why aren't many mooses, meese.                              
I find it confusing;                                        
Not at all amusing;                                         
I need help with this language please.                      
                                                            
11795 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



This toy of mine's a favorite pick;                         
Hop on and employ it real quick.                            
Come bounce up and down                                     
And you'll never frown.                                     
That's right!  It's a new pogo stick!                       
                                                            
11796 CLEAN - JOKES                  Jon Gearhart             



All these jokes here, they do suck.                         
They stink like a urinal puck.                              
Mine are not better,                                        
Don't make your pants wetter.                               
Forgive me for saying they're muck!                         
                                                            
11797 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



There was an Old Person who said,                           
Pointing out the lamp oil on his head:                      
"It perhaps does not pay                                    
During most of the day,                                     
But it's helpful when reading in bed!"                      
                                                            
11798 CLEAN - JOKES                  William J Smith     P0001



A linguist down in Berea                                    
Told her lover, "I have an idea.                            
I'm pregnant with three,                                    
So their names shall be                                     
Ono and Mato and Poeia."                                    
                                                            
11799 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



On this nation's roadways great sprawl,                     
Single discarded shoes, I recall                            
Are what I've solely seen                                   
Though for years I have keen-                               
Ly awaited the other shoes' fall.                           
                                                            
11800 CLEAN - JOKES                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0001



A parrot who obviously knew                                 
And used cuss words considered "blue",                      
One day owner irked,                                        
On punishment worked,                                       
So into the freezer he threw.                               
                                                            
11801 CLEAN - JOKES                  Chris Papa               



Bird' silence, the owner would stun.                        
He quick, freed the bird on the run.                        
The parrot was thrilled,                                    
And asked while still chilled,                              
Just what the poor chicken had done.                        
                                                            
11802 CLEAN - JOKES                  Chris Papa               



Who runs in the whole human race?                           
And just where should I keep the pace?                      
Can a pro be a con?                                         
Is an oxymoron                                              
A dope with a pimply face?                                  
                                                            
11803 CLEAN - JOKES                  Mike M             TP9802



Mused a film fan in far Pago Pago,                          
As she mirthfully munched on a mango,                       
"Those who titled that flick                                
With its accent on prick                                    
Should have added a 'Poon' to that tango."                  
                                                            
11804 CLEAN - JOKES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young maiden from Multerry,                     
Whose knowledge of life was desultory.                      
She explained, like a sage:                                 
"Adolescence? -- the stage                                  
Between puberty and--er--adultery."                         
                                                            
11805 CLEAN - JOKES                  Anon                     



A practical joker, McCarty,                                 
In life had been healthy and hearty.                        
"I'm shocked," friends all said                             
At his wake, "that he's dead!"                              
Then he rose and said, "Thanks for the party!"              
                                                            
11806 CLEAN - JOKES                  Peter Wilkins            



Said the puppeteer's helper, Miss Krings,                   
To a sailor who knew many things,                           
"It will increase my hopes,                                 
If you show me the ropes,                                   
And I'll teach you how best to pull strings."               
                                                            
11807 CLEAN - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2652



Platform 1 we departed at nine,                             
'Au Revoir' to Beajolais wine,                              
Reminisces to toast                                         
In our train to the coast,                                  
State the place at the start of the line.                   
(Paris, see first letters each line)                        
11808 CLEAN - JOKES                  Barry C. Clark           



Farmer Moss said, "I'm oft at a loss                        
When trespassers, my land at times cross.                   
And for some, to their shame,                               
Rolling stones is their game."                              
Those who gathered were all stoned by Moss.                 
                                                            
11809 CLEAN - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin       P9104



"Those are deer tracks," said Tracy to Jane.                
"No, they're wolf tracks," young Jane did exclaim.          
Wolf -- Deer -- Wolf -- they went,                          
And much time was spent,                                    
Then the two were run down by a train.                      
                                                            
11810 CLEAN - JOKES                  Tiddy Ogg                



A columnist set out in quest                                
Of the source of an "original" jest.                        
He found the remark                                         
Had been made on the Ark:                                   
A discovery he's never confessed.                           
                                                            
11811 CLEAN - JOKES                                      P8207



On the shore an old woodsman named Lee                      
Cut the waves with his saw into three.                      
Said his wife in disdain,                                   
"On the sea he won't gain,                                  
And it looks like a seesaw to me."                          
                                                            
11812 CLEAN - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2665



f vwels n my keybard I've fur;                              
I've cunted 'em lking fr mre.                               
I thught that there ught                                    
T be mre f that srt                                         
S they must've drpped t the flr.                            
                                                            
11813 CLEAN - JOKES                  Peter Wilkins            



Two eels drinking cocktails, conveys                        
That they really like these soirees.                        
They talk and they dance,                                   
And they kindle romance.                                    
And these we call social morays.                            
                                                            
11814 CLEAN - JOKES                  Al Willis           P9608



I am gay. I am poet. I dwell                                
Rupert street, at the fifth. I am swell.                    
And I sing tra-la-la,                                       
And I love my mama,                                         
And the English, I speak him very well.                     
                                                            
11815 CLEAN - JOKES                  George Du Maurier   P9711



A flea circus owner named Hatch                             
Was successful and had quite a batch                        
Of cash in the bin.                                         
How did he begin?                                           
Well, he actually started from scratch.                     
                                                            
11816 CLEAN - JOKES                  A. N. Wilkins       P8508



The thesaurus editor's goal                                 
Was consummate diet control.                                
At lunch he said, "Please                                   
I am somewhat obese,                                        
So I'll just have a synonym roll.                           
                                                            
11817 CLEAN - JOKES                  Omar Sundrud             



"The thing about women," said he,                           
"Is that they take things personally."                      
"I don't know about that,"                                  
Said his girlfriend, Pat,                                   
"No one could say that about me."                           
                                                            
11818 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



"Before lubricants," asked Mr. Fry,                         
"With no oil, with machinery dry,                           
How did they make out?"                                     
He friend said, "No doubt                                   
They managed somehow to squeak by."                         
                                                            
11819 CLEAN - JOKES                  A. N. Wilkins       P8508



A lama with one L's a priest                                
A llama with two L's a beast                                
I'll bet my pajama's                                        
That all three-L lllama's                                   
Are hellish hot fires, at least.                            
                                                            
11820 CLEAN - JOKES                  OGDEN NASH               



A clever inventor was Pete,                                 
Who came up with a plan rather neat.                        
He put watches and clocks                                   
Into each of his socks,                                     
And came up with time on his feet.                          
(as opposed to time on his hands)                           
11821 CLEAN - JOKES                  Brandy Brandon      P9509



And that's what it seems all about,                         
To give what is common some clout.                          
To raise up the gutter                                      
By rhyming to utter,                                        
And share a joke, friendly to tout.                         
                                                            
11822 CLEAN - JOKES                                           



The farmer's dear wife, name of Marge,                      
Observed a young man who did barge                          
Toward the farmer's prize pig,                              
And he there threw his wig,                                 
So Marge laid a tress passing charge.                       
                                                            
11823 CLEAN - JOKES                  Albin Chaplin       P9104



Two elephants, Harry and Fay, --                            
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way.                 
So they boarded a plane,                                    
Now they're kissing in Maine,                               
'Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.                        
                                                            
11824 CLEAN - JOKES                  Reminisce           P9310



A dull-witted fellow once sped      (feather-brained woman) 
To his doctor for pains in his head.  (her)                 
His doctor said, "Jack,               (Dot,)                
When you jump from the sack           (from your cot,)      
In the morning, try feet first instead.                     
                                                            
11825 CLEAN - JOKES                  Bob Giandomenico    P8811



When twins came, their father, Dann Dunn,                   
Gave Edward as name to each son.                            
When folks cried, "Absurd!"                                 
He replied, "Ain't you heard                                
That two Eds are better than one?"                          
                                                            
11826 CLEAN - JOKES                  Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young person of York,                           
Who slowed down at a road in the fork;                      
For he said, "Had I slowed                                  
At the fork in the road,                                    
I'd have never unbottled this cork."                        
                                                            
11827 CLEAN - JOKES                  Anon                     



A frat house in rainy Seattle,                              
A daily deluge had to battle.                               
It was no surprise                                          
To see flood waters rise                                    
Up a Greek without a paddle.                                
                                                            
11828 CLEAN - JOKES                  KJR                      



To find a nice abro, go straight.                           
It's behind the white fence, in a crate.                    
You can't climb the fence,                                  
So use some good sense.                                     
You must open the white abrogate.                           
                                                            
11829 CLEAN - JOKES                  Al Willis                



On reaching 21, Father,                                     
Grandfather, and Great Grandfather                          
Were walking on water,                                      
So Dan thought he oughter                                   
Try to do same without bother.                              
                                                            
11830 CLEAN - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



At 21 he went out from town                                 
To a lake with a boat he brought down.                      
On stepping from boat,                                      
It's good he could float,                                   
Otherwise he would surely have drowned.                     
                                                            
11831 CLEAN - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



"Hey Grandma, I want to know why!"                          
Said the grey one then with a sigh,                         
"Ancestors unwary                                           
Were born January,                                          
While you, dear, were born in July!"                        
                                                            
11832 CLEAN - JOKES                  Daniel Ford              



My uncle puts on quite a show;                              
He'll walk out on the water, real slow.                     
Though not in this season;                                  
"I perform," is his reason,                                 
"At my best when it's twenty below."                        
                                                            
11833 CLEAN - JOKES                  John Miller 0057         



The editor said, "Listen, Honey,                            
Your joke was too clean to be funny.                        
Jokes can be helly                                          
If a little bit smelly;                                     
I want real belly laughs for my money.                      
                                                            
11834 CLEAN - JOKES                  Grand Prix Lim  795      



The mute little boy had no hope                             
Of concealing his profanaity grope.                         
He knew it for certain                                      
That it would be hurtin'                                    
When his mom washed his hands out with soap.                
                                                            
11835 CLEAN - JOKES                  Res Ipsa                 



"I have heard," said a maid from Monclair,                  
"Opportunity's step on the stair;                           
But I couln't unlock                                        
To its magical knock,                                       
For I was always washing my hair."                          
                                                            
11836 CLEAN - JOKES                  Morris Bishop            



This coaster was really a boaster.                          
It lay there in front of the toaster                        
And it said, "I'm the best,                                 
For I lie to your west.                                     
Yes, everyone loves a West Coaster!"                        
                                                            
11837 CLEAN - JOKES                  John Dohner         P8907



The old joker from Kalamazoo                                
Asked the new kid to bring him some snoo.                   
"What's snoo?" asked the boy,                               
Falling hard for the ploy.                                  
"Not a lot," said the rogue, "How 'bout you?"               
                                                            
11838 CLEAN - JOKES                  Dogbard                  



There was a young lady from Del.                            
Who was most undoubtedly wel.                               
That to dress for a masque                                  
Wasn't much of a task,                                      
But she cried, "What the heck will my fel.?"                
                                                            
11839 CLEAN - JOKES                  Anon (Cerf)       (Bibby)



He said, "Boo is still looking for you."                    
He expected an answer, "Boo who?"                           
He would say, "Please don't cry."                           
But things went awry,                                       
When the black man replied, "Who be Boo?"                   
                                                            
11840 CLEAN - JOKES                  Al Willis                



I received a post card from my dear;                        
The picture was pretty and clear                            
Of the Earth far away.                                      
Turned it over, did say                                     
Having fun, but I wish you were here.                       
                                                            
11841 CLEAN - JOKES                  Friar                    



There was a young lady named Kinter,                        
Who married a man in the winter.                            
The man's name was Wood,                                    
And now, as they should,                                    
The Woods have a cute little 'splinter'.                    
                                                            
11842 CLEAN - JOKES                  Joan Ranucci             



The car that was purchased by Wood                          
Was checked and inspected but good.                         
But when Wood picked a wife,                                
He disrupted his life                                       
For he failed to check under the hood.                      
                                                            
11843 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2842



If you have feet that are ice cold,                         
And put them in places quite bold,                          
Nothing can warm 'em                                        
Like a nice hot bum,                                        
But it ruins the mood, so I'm told.                         
                                                            
11844 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A wealthy old widow named Fannic                            
Was torn by great torments and panic,                       
For she lived without hope                                  
And with life could not cope,                               
Till she married a factory mechanic.                        
                                                            
11845 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2565



"Idealist" describes Gordon Searles;                        
He's wild about kittens and squirrels --                    
A most ardent votary                                        
Of church, home, and Rotary                                 
And worships his children, all girls.                       
                                                            
11846 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Armand E Singer       680



Global warming has turned up the heat;                      
You can pan-fry your eggs in the street.                    
But I will get by.                                          
I've an endlees supply                                      
Of cold from my old lady's feet.                            
                                                            
11847 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old person of Fife;                            
He was perfectly foul to his wife.                          
He remarked as they wed,                                    
"I shall kick you in bed,"                                  
Which he did for the rest of his life.                      
                                                            
11848 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



If hatred's not one of the forces                           
Which sometimes influence their courses,                    
When marriages fray,                                        
Why it is today                                             
That so many end up in divorces.                            
                                                            
11849 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               A. N. Wilkins       P9508



Ever since I was wed to her, I've                           
Been trying to cope and survive.                            
Don't go out on the town,                                   
And I don't fool around.                                    
It seem I was married alive.                                
                                                            
11850 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Mike's found his Irish Colleen,                             
The best man wants verse, not obscene.                      
So no rhymes with a melon,                                  
Just stand and toast Ellen;                                 
And Mike -- That's the end, while it's clean.               
                                                            
11851 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



So Michael has married my sister --                         
I hope that at least he has kissed her!                     
But whatever trials                                         
Or pains and denials --                                     
We knew that he couldn't resist her.                        
                                                            
11852 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Mike has made off with our Ellen;                           
There's no doubt their two hearts are swellen'.             
In typical fashion                                          
They've succumbed to passion,                               
And as for the rest, I'm not tellin'.                       
                                                            
11853 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Lets drink to these fortunate two                           
As they struggle to face life anew.                         
May their marriage be blessed                               
With love, luck and zest,                                   
And may all of their best dreams come true!                 
                                                            
11854 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



The car that was purchased by Dawes                         
Was fully inspected because                                 
He bought only the best.                                    
But his wife he bought dressed,                             
And neglected to check her for flaws.                       
                                                            
11855 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2532



There was a young fellow named Whiting,                     
Who spent with his wife, much time fighting.                
She said, "We're in a bind,                                 
We must act more refined."                                  
He said, "Dear, can you put that in writing?"               
                                                            
11856 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2835



I do not think bedtime is boring                            
But my wife complains I'm exploring,                        
With a new nasal sound                                      
I seem to have found;                                       
All night she's awake from my snoring.                      
                                                            
11857 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Shelby Forrest           



A rice grain who lived in East Reading                      
Was constantly fearing and dreading                         
That she would be took                                      
To a fiendish old cook,                                     
But instead, she was thrown at a wedding.                   
                                                            
11858 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



When I become old I think I'll                              
Retire to a quaint little isle.                             
I'll take this brunette,                                    
A saucy coquette;                                           
She's the girl that I walked down the aisle.                
                                                            
11859 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Too much time on the 'puter was bad;                        
I was gone and my wife became mad.                          
She packed up her stuff                                     
'Cause she'd had enough.                                    
Now I'm alone and feel really sad.                          
                                                            
11860 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Anon                     



So I sit and think about this,                              
As she runs off seeking some bliss,                         
With some fellow named Frank,                               
A sergeant by rank.                                         
Tell me, is something amiss?                                
                                                            
11861 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Anon                     



But really, things are okay.                                
I am mine 24 hours a day.                                   
I use ICQ                                                   
For something to do,                                        
And meet plenty of new friends this way.                    
                                                            
11862 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Anon                     



So be brave my ousted old heart,                            
Even if you're ripped apart.                                
Life does improve;                                          
You'll get out of that groove                               
And find someone to help you restart.                       
                                                            
11863 CLEAN - MARRIAGE               Anon                     



Now it's really late and I'm bored.                         
(Already untangled the phone cord)                          
I need a distraction,                                       
Some kind of action,                                        
Cause tonight this job has no reward.                       
                                                            
11864 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



As I walk in my garden I find                               
The fragrance affects me like wine.                         
Drunk with passion flowers;                                 
Could stay here for hours;                                  
Nature cleansing my body and mind.                          
                                                            
11865 CLEAN - MOODS                  Archie                   



In June I might yet remember                                
The end of cold dark December.                              
I'll dance in my shorts                                     
And play lots of sports,                                    
But what to do come November?                               
                                                            
11866 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



We sit in a garden of roses,                                
Surveying a gamut of poses.                                 
The scent seems divine,                                     
Like a robust, red wine,                                    
Which pleasures the end of our noses.                       
                                                            
11867 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



The stars that shine softly and bright,                     
Compete with the moon and her light.                        
With the Comets - outdone,                                  
By the glare of the Sun,                                    
Choose the time that is right for them - Night.             
                                                            
11868 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



I've crested the peak of the week;                          
The view towards the weekend's not bleak.                   
Down the hump's steep backside,                             
I'll anxiously slide                                        
To Friday PM's sweet mystique.                              
                                                            
11869 CLEAN - MOODS                  Randog                   



A footloose young fellow named Humburd                      
With wife and a child was encumbered.                       
Though he strove and perspired,                             
He soon found he was mired,                                 
And discovered his days were all numbered.                  
                                                            
11870 CLEAN - MOODS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2625



In the daylight, it's easy to see                           
The destiny that lies before me.                            
But sometimes at night,                                     
My thoughts just take flight,                               
And I dream things that never can be.                       
                                                            
11871 CLEAN - MOODS                  Ericka                   



She kept all her dreams locked inside                       
As she rode upon destiny's tide;                            
Then when she was older,                                    
She wished she'd been bolder                                
And taken more chances, she sighed.                         
                                                            
11872 CLEAN - MOODS                  PeterW                   



Our dreams are such precious things,                        
Like wishes that soar out on wings.                         
But like Sigmund Freud                                      
I just get annoyed                                          
At the pain that fantasy brings.                            
                                                            
11873 CLEAN - MOODS                  Bob Mornington           



These thoughts in my brain are congealing,                  
As they rise up toward the ceiling                          
Of my consciousness,                                        
But I now digress                                           
As my 'sub' suppresses this feeling.                        
                                                            
11874 CLEAN - MOODS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



While choosing a girl, young McNair,                        
Did check and select with great care,                       
A most fitting companion,                                   
But got lost in the canyon,                                 
And fell in the Abyss of Despair.                           
                                                            
11875 CLEAN - MOODS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0541



Deep emotions evoked by a fire,                             
Fascination the flames can inspire;                         
Flicker and dance,                                          
You stare in a trance,                                      
All that beauty within to admire.                           
                                                            
11876 CLEAN - MOODS                  Joel D Ash          P9806



Lucy once said she like flowers,                            
And would smell them for hours and hours.                   
She climbed up a tree,                                      
Some blossoms to see,                                       
And was readily caught in its bowers.                       
                                                            
11877 CLEAN - MOODS                  Penny Kjelgaard          



Some days I feel all out of place;                          
Was I born in the right time and space.                     
In my mind's eye I see                                      
Lots of things yet to be,                                   
Or am I just out of my face.                                
                                                            
11878 CLEAN - MOODS                  Jack                     



These visions can leave me in tears;                        
More so after five or six beers.                            
So I think I'll go squeeze                                  
Into my deep freeze;                                        
Don't defrost me for twenty-five years.                     
                                                            
11879 CLEAN - MOODS                  Jack                     



Man cannot soothsay from whence                             
Pain, sorrow, and the pathos come, hence                    
We bid everyone                                             
To join in our fun                                          
And frolic in foolish nonsense                              
                                                            
11880 CLEAN - MOODS                  Derry Down Derry    P8903



When days seem long and weary,                              
And nights seem dark and dreary,                            
Hold this leaf and smile,                                   
'Cause in a short while,                                    
Things will again be all cheery!                            
                                                            
11881 CLEAN - MOODS                  Sagedlc                  



Look, I'm sorry, I think I will go                          
To my garden; it's pretty you know;                         
It has wonderful flowers;                                   
Secret places and bowers,                                   
Where Petunias and Marigolds grow.                          
                                                            
11882 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



In a garden surrounded by pine,                             
Nature thriving in mottled sunshine;                        
Up the lattice of wire,                                     
Vines grow ever higher,                                     
The tendrils and flowers entwine.                           
                                                            
11883 CLEAN - MOODS                  Joel D Ash          P9806



In front, black eyed susans are found,                      
New guinea impatients abound;                               
Wax begonias deep red,                                      
A day lily bed,                                             
The colors explode without sound...                         
                                                            
11884 CLEAN - MOODS                  Joel D Ash          P9806



Lad, please arise, it is dawn,                              
Pour ruby wine as you yawn.                                 
The moment is fleeting,                                     
Time's again cheating,                                      
And this instant will vanish anon.                          
                                                            
11885 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



"I am now at the end of my rope.                            
And with problems I can't seem to cope."                    
"Well, just see  your shrink,                               
And have a stiff drink.                                     
All that you need is some hope."                            
                                                            
11886 CLEAN - MOODS                  Al Willis                



As you read through these ramblings to seek                 
Some humor not sounding like greek,                         
May your laughs be hilarious                                
From these jibes -- some nefarious! --                      
And may all of you have a great week!!                      
                                                            
11887 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



The beauty of moonlight on snow,                            
Soft glow winter nights doth bestow;                        
We sit by the fire,                                         
Low flames dancing higher,                                  
Our feelings and hearts overflow.                           
                                                            
11888 CLEAN - MOODS                  Joel D Ash          P0203



My loved one and I sipping wine,                            
Fond glance of one's true valentine;                        
Old music plays gentle,                                     
Two muse sentimental,                                       
Towards tender romance we incline.                          
                                                            
11889 CLEAN - MOODS                  Joel D Ash          P0203



Dear memories of joint recollection,                        
Sweet confection of loving perfection;                      
Cherished moments that last,                                
From the present and past,                                  
Shared collection of love and affection.                    
                                                            
11890 CLEAN - MOODS                  Joel D Ash          P0203



Variations of treasured refrain,                            
Love in winter replayed once again;                         
Ardent whispers entreating,                                 
Low murmurs repeating,                                      
Warm words that delight and sustain.                        
                                                            
11891 CLEAN - MOODS                  Joel D Ash          P0203



The reams of my youth are all etched.                       
Or are they just far-offly sketched?                        
Are they notions, or lotions,                               
Frustrating emotions,                                       
Fetched from far, or far fetched.                           
                                                            
11892 CLEAN - MOODS                  Stu Lucas           P9608



Friday night. It couldn't be plainer.                       
What one needs is a good no-brainer!                        
A glass of Merlot,                                          
A mood indigo,                                              
I can't think of anything saner!                            
                                                            
11893 CLEAN - MOODS                  Annie Jay                



When the rain falls and storms thunderboom,                 
And the sky gets all dark, filled with doom,                
I want someone here                                         
With mirth, fun, and cheer,                                 
To raise me up out of my gloom                              
                                                            
11894 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



If you leave your troubles at the door,                     
You'll be happy like never before.                          
But just one little catch,                                  
There's no escape hatch,                                    
So you'll never go out any more.                            
                                                            
11895 CLEAN - MOODS                  Tom Patton          P9711



"The die has been cast," shouted Fry,                       
Then fell on his knees and did cry.                         
"Now I'll die in great shame,                               
As I've sullied my name,                                    
For I know I must never say die."                           
                                                            
11896 CLEAN - MOODS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2585



The crocuses happily blooming                               
Means it's Spring, or so I'm assuming.                      
With the sun coming out,                                    
We can all give a shout,                                    
And then stop all this glooming and dooming.                
                                                            
11897 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



Remember when football had dropkicks?                       
When army first sergeants were topkicks?                    
How a golden phrase                                         
Brings back the old days--                                  
And that noisy piano piece "Chopsticks!"                    
                                                            
11898 CLEAN - MOODS                  Laurence Perrine    P9207



I fear I am accident-prone,                                 
Though not by the breakage of bone:                         
I fall for a face--                                         
I've fallen from grace--                                    
Heart-broken, I do nothing but moan.                        
                                                            
11899 CLEAN - MOODS                  Laurence Perrine    P9405



On a very unnoteworthy day,                                 
Things all happened their usual way.                        
Everything went along,                                      
As it had for so long,                                      
That there really was nothing to say.                       
                                                            
11900 CLEAN - MOODS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Appreciation & Enthusiasm work as a charm;                  
Together they do wonders with l'il or no harm.              
They come in a twin pack                                    
Like the pat on the back,                                   
Which gets translated to that shot in the arm.              
                                                            
11901 CLEAN - MOODS                  K. Sivaramakrishnan      



The morning sure comes so fast.                             
The night never seems to last.                              
I want to sleep more!                                       
To cozy and snore.                                          
Alarm is so loud, a blast!                                  
                                                            
11902 CLEAN - MOODS                  Charlotte                



The crocuses happily blooming                               
Have put on a face unassuming.                              
But though humble they be,                                  
They're a sure sign to me                                   
That the Earth has begun her spring grooming.               
                                                            
11903 CLEAN - MOODS                  Squeaky                  



I've a thing about day 24;                                  
Superstitution, I guess, nothing more.                      
But I face it with dread,                                   
Want to stay right in bed,                                  
And avoid what the fates have in store.                     
                                                            
11904 CLEAN - MOODS                  John Miller 0037         



Lately I've lost all my mirth;                              
Of exercise there's been a dearth.                          
Man in his essence is                                       
Just dusty quintessences,                                   
And sterile this pestilent earth.                           
                                                            
11905 CLEAN - MOODS                  Tutta                    



One miserable morn I awoke,                                 
Crying, "Someone come tell me a joke,                       
Or I'll wake up all gloomy,                                 
And torment my roomie,                                      
And give my poor momma a poke."                             
                                                            
11906 CLEAN - MOODS                  Vertech Limerick Contest 



Talk of stars and fate is what will                         
Reduce me to tears, and sure kill                           
My stance and my thought                                    
Of things that were bought,                                 
And make me think of things gone ill.                       
                                                            
11907 CLEAN - MOODS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



April's gone, I've to say in dismay,                        
A new beauty's arriving today.                              
'Though my pecker feels sore,                               
I'm craving for more;                                       
There she is, my voluptuous Miss May!                       
                                                            
11908 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



I'm tired of these rainy days;                              
I wish all the storms went away.                            
It's hard for me                                            
To look out and see;                                        
My wheelchair can't venture today                           
                                                            
11909 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



It's late and I should be asleep.                           
I really don't know why I keep                              
Not going to bed --                                         
It's all in my head;                                        
This fear about thinking too deep.                          
                                                            
11910 CLEAN - MOODS                                           



Ah don't get upset: what's the use?                         
Ah don't like to stew in mah juice.                         
Ah pays all mah tax,                                        
And then Ah relax.                                          
And when Ah sits, Ah sits real loose.                       
                                                            
11911 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Al Willis                



There once was a man named Albritton,                       
Whose theories, no one was hittin'.                         
The e-mails he sent                                         
Were totally bent.                                          
Nobody but loonies were smitten.                            
                                                            
11912 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Richard Long             



My time watching TV is vital;                               
It keeps me from thoughts suicidal.                         
I'm a lazy-ass slough                                       
Who just can't get enough;                                  
I'm the true-blue American Idle.                            
                                                            
11913 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



B is for Bilgers, they say;                                 
They weren't treated fair, anyway;                          
They only went in                                           
Just to say they had been,                                  
They never intended to stay!                                
                                                            
11914 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 William O Stevens 1906   



Our developers, most of them Babbits,                       
Exhibit acquisitive habits.                                 
Architectural blight                                        
They erect overnight,                                       
And they procreate condos like rabbits.                     
                                                            
11915 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Phyllis Hughes      P9802



Would we could view ourselves from afar,                    
Though we think we rise far above par;                      
Since no riches have we,                                    
Then eccentricity                                           
Won't apply to us.  We're just bizarre.                     
                                                            
11916 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0108



Were I a black-Irish, la-la,                                
My beauty'd be increased by far.                            
But even if black,                                          
I'd still have the lack                                     
Of youth, which is sine non qua.                            
                                                            
11917 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Jorna                    



It's important to paint with broad strokes                  
And to imply "all' when speaking of blokes.                 
Thinking of persons                                         
As individuals worsens                                      
Ones ability to get to the jokes.                           
                                                            
11918 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Res Ipsa                 



There lived on the banks of the Lune                        
A somewhat eccentric buffoon,                               
For he asked De Vere Stacpoole                              
To come down to Blackpool                                   
And open a new brown lagoon.                                
                                                            
11919 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Anon Punch 1921   (Bibby)



So many people are on the Dole;                             
In our economy they play a big role.                        
If the Dole were abolished,                                 
Many businessmen, quite polished,                           
Would go broke and their businesses fol'.                   
                                                            
11920 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Samuel A. Shaffe    P8609



The clear-thinking man is a rarity,                         
For man has such mental disparity,                          
That illusions appear                                       
And confusion looks clear,                                  
While he's confounded by clarity.                           
                                                            
11921 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2762



A tragedy occurred in the circus;                           
The new clown went all berserkus.                           
We found out on the train                                   
He can't stand meringue,                                    
And without the pie-fight, they won't work us.              
                                                            
11922 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



There once was this cocky Eurasian,                         
Who kept rising to every occasion.                          
From what I have heard,                                     
When nothing occurred,                                      
He still rose, by sheer self-persuasion.                    
                                                            
11923 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



They say that I was in my youth,                            
Uncouth and ungainly, forsooth.                             
I can only reply,                                           
"'Tis a lie!  'Tis a lie!                                   
I was couth, I was perfectly couth."                        
                                                            
11924 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Anon                     



Cried the crest of a wave coming in,                        
"I'm the greatest that ever has been!"                      
Till, dumped on the sand,                                   
It disappeared and                                          
Was never once heard of again.                              
                                                            
11925 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Laurence Perrine    P8807



She sat on a mighty fine chair,                             
Sparks flew as she tidied her hair;                         
She asks many questions,                                    
I make few suggestions;                                     
Bad as Albert and Li, what a pair!                          
                                                            
11926 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Wendy Cope          P0303



There once was a time when I could                          
Wake up each morning and would                              
Feel as good as the last                                    
Morning, that which was past.                               
Well, today I don't feel so damned good!                    
                                                            
11927 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Jorna                    



If there is one thing that I have well learnt,              
It's that people detest being burnt.                        
They don't want to roast,                                   
Or wind up as toast,                                        
And I trust I have made a good pernt.                       
                                                            
11928 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Al Willis                



A land of blue skies and sunlight,                          
Each day endlessly clear and bright.                        
Without rain, the dams dry,                                 
Crops fail, cattle die,                                     
Farmers waste, walk away, quit the fight.                   
                                                            
11929 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Ruth Silcock             



There's a nip in the air, Love, tonight,                    
And I hope it won't snow, but it might.                     
If it isn't so bitter,                                      
We'll call up a sitter,                                     
And we can go out for a bite.                               
(the original was hiding the names of the elements)         
11930 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Al Willis           T9710



Why is it that when you're grief stricken,                  
And in your throat you feel a prickin',                     
Finding a friend                                            
With a shoulder to lend                                     
Is scarce as the teeth of a chicken.                        
                                                            
11931 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Nawahl                   



There once was a fine boy named Michael,                    
Whose girlfriend, being very insightful,                    
Thought he was the funnest,                                 
Supreme number one-est,                                     
The cream of the crop and delightful.                       
                                                            
11932 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Gibson                   



There was an old man who said, "Ho!                         
I have nowhere whatever to go!                              
But I notice that God                                       
Is decidedly odd,                                           
So I think I shall go for a row."                           
                                                            
11933 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There's Hammond, and Clinton, and Gates                     
Who exhibit dissimilar traits,                              
From riches and fame                                        
To utterly lame,                                            
Yet they all are a type that I hates.                       
                                                            
11934 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



Oh, neighbor, I'm sorry 'bout your bits                     
But there is no need to have fits.                          
Without all that stuff,                                     
You're quite good enough                                    
To have tea and toast with us shits.                        
                                                            
11935 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



Though I don't have the smartest of brains;                 
To be sure I'm not one who complains.                       
For some of those who                                       
Have the highest I.Q.                                       
Don't know to come in when it rains.                        
                                                            
11936 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Derry               P8311



I don't have the luck, can you tell?                        
I play lotto and gamble, as well.                           
Put coins in the slot,                                      
And end up with naught.                                     
My Indian name's Snowball-In-Hell.                          
                                                            
11937 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



With lusty largesse, I'm possessed;                         
Miser's mindset leaves me unimpressed.                      
I'll tactfully treat                                        
Almost all guys I meet,                                     
Except the proverbial pest.                                 
                                                            
11938 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Ester Koch          P0304



Man's hunger for food quite out-numbers                     
His hunger for sex or for slumbers.                         
So psychologists say --                                     
Yet we read every day                                       
That the poor keep increasing in numbers.                   
                                                            
11939 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 John E Maywood           



Dolelful Dowland would utter great moans                    
Every month, as he begged for new loans.                    
John required the cash                                      
To replenish his stash                                      
Of fresh Kleenex, Prozac, and scones.                       
                                                            
11940 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



If you're dull as a knapkin, don't sigh;                    
Make your name as a 'deep' sort of guy.                     
You just have to crib, see,                                 
Any old book by Kripke,                                     
And publish in AAAI.                                        
(I give up - what is AAAI? and who is Kripke? - McW)        
11941 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Henry Kautz              



A disgusting man lives in Japan;                            
Reporter I never can stand.                                 
This man named Kristof                                      
Makes people pissed-off.                                    
Deport him or I plan to spam.                               
                                                            
11942 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Tomoyuki Tanaka          



The housewives to garden stores go                          
To purchase a rake and a hoe,                               
And a bushel of feed                                        
For the lawn, and some seed,                                
So that husbands have fine lawns to mow.                    
                                                            
11943 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2596



Ben Hogan, John Alden, Tchaikovsky,                         
Domingo, Chagall, Malinovsky,                               
Paul Sartre, Shostakovich,                                  
Descartes, Maury Povich,                                    
Stephanopolis, Barishnikovsky.                              
                                                            
11944 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Island Singer            



If I want someone who will care;                            
To share secrets and lay my soul bare,                      
I have not long to think,                                   
Before I stop and blink,                                    
In a mirror reflecting my stare.                            
                                                            
11945 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



Fifty million's a nest egg quite weighty;                   
I could not spend it all if you paid me.                    
Yet folks who stay thrifty                                  
When the jackpot's at fifty,                                
Want in, when the jackpot's two eighty.                     
                                                            
11946 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Dr Limerick              



A fine old landowner named Marjoribanks,                    
Found the summer heat dry paths and park banks;             
So about his estate;                                        
To protect his old pate,                                    
He arranged fine plantations and large banks.               
                                                            
11947 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Anon Punch 1896    (Reed)



An entrepreneur stuck with oodles                           
Of cans holding tofu and noodles,                           
Scored a marketing coup                                     
When he labeled them : New!                                 
Yummy Gourmet Delight for Toy Poodles.                      
                                                            
11948 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Cybergeezer              



A railroad without any trains?                              
A highway without any lanes?                                
I cannot conceive                                           
Or even believe                                             
A Mensan without any brains!                                
                                                            
11949 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Al Willis                



Said a Mensa snob with a sigh:                              
"Although my I.Q. is quite high,                            
When it comes to real wit                                   
I'm just not worth a shit,                                  
And I cannot determine the 'why'."                          
                                                            
11950 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                     G2504



It gives me such pleasure to greet                          
A new Mensan with accolades sweet;                          
It does help to explain                                     
That you've got a great brain,                              
Though you put your shoes on the wrong feet.                
                                                            
11951 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Robin K. Willoughby P8701



If your thesis is quite indefensible,                       
Reach for semantics intentional.                            
Your committee will stammer                                 
Over Montague grammar,                                      
Not admitting it's incomprehensible!                        
                                                            
11952 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Henry Krautz             



My existence with conflict is rife                          
With crises and in constant strife.                         
An emotional quirk                                          
Precludes looking for work                                  
But through TV talk shows, I've a life.                     
                                                            
11953 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9503



He had his few moments of fame                              
When he won that incredible game.                           
And though few of us met him,                               
We'll never forget him;                                     
Old Thingymabob Whatisname.                                 
                                                            
11954 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Peter Wilkins            



Forgetting your troubles is doable,                         
And paying your bills is eschewable.                        
So don't lose your sleep                                    
Because some bleeping creep                                 
Tries to make your life ever un-screwable.                  
                                                            
11955 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Ystap                    



I do trust as this year goes along                          
I'll conclude that I really "belong."                       
If I don't I won't mind                                     
For again I will find                                       
That as always I'm right, others wrong.                     
                                                            
11956 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Loren Fitzhugh           



The summers in Phoenix, AZ,                                 
Will cause me to search frantically                         
For that blessed spot,                                      
In the parking lot,                                         
Found under the shade of a tree.                            
                                                            
11957 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 MKOLBE@GOODNET.COM       



There sat in the very front row,                            
A member who kept voting "No";                              
Asked why he opposed,                                       
He said, he supposed,                                       
"It's the thing I do best, you know."                       
                                                            
11958 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Virginia SchlotzhaurP9902



It's procrastination today,                                 
Or maybe tomorrow, I say.                                   
You people may scoff                                        
At me putting things off,                                   
But I look to the future that way.                          
                                                            
11959 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Tony Burrell             



I have a sin -- Procrastination                             
Brings me sorrow beyond explanation.                        
I made a small pledge                                       
At this year's leading edge,                                
To repent on my mid-year vacation.                          
                                                            
11960 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Friar               T9801



Said a fanciful frump from Toranda                          
"There's a foible I've kinda got fonda --                   
When I hear a new name                                      
Of a guy or a dame,                                         
I pernounce it the way that I wanda."                       
                                                            
11961 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 J P Slugworthy        60a



Many years have gone by since your truly                    
Was arrested for being unduly                               
Concerned about war                                         
And also (they swore)                                       
Resisting arrest too Kung-Fuly.                             
                                                            
11962 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Barrie Collins           



Viscount Stansgate, or Wedgwood, or Benn,                   
(Three in one to the left-minded men)                       
Say "Issues are all,                                        
Generalities pall,                                          
But I'm there if you want me - say when."                   
(these could be limeys running for office)                  
11963 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Tim Hopkins              



And those who we falsley accuse                             
Ignore the few words of abuse.                              
But if you scratch the sore                                 
Of the dullest old bore,                                    
His reaction is sure to amuse!                              
                                                            
11964 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



A great prophet most proud of his brains                    
Urged all people to cast off their chains.                  
For if off them they tossed,                                
They'd regain what they lost                                
And have nothing to lose but their gains!                   
                                                            
11965 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Neal Wilgus         P8205



Setting free something loved is a heartache.                
Holding on would bring only more heartbreak.                
If it never comes back                                      
Then you've proven your tack                                
Was correct for your sanity's sake.                         
                                                            
11966 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Ystap              TP9802



There once was an ego immense,                              
I'm sure he's a member of Mense.                            
But his style is poor.                                      
In fact, he's a boor.                                       
If I told him, he'd sure take offense.                      
                                                            
11967 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Paradox 2                



A society climber from Crewe,                               
Inquired, "What on earth shall I do?                        
I, of course, know what's what,                             
But I fear I have not                                       
The faintest idea of who's who."                            
                                                            
11968 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



I once knew a national hero,                                
Whose I.Q. was real close to zero.                          
I wish I could be                                           
As famous as he,                                            
And still face myself in the mirro!                         
                                                            
11969 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 John Miller's daughter   



A rather nice holiday treat                                 
From one that we all thought effete.                        
But I think it's agreed,                                    
Sometimes even a Swede                                      
Is not merely Swedish, but sweet...                         
                                                            
11970 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



On taking good advice, think twice.                         
There's BETTER and there's BEST advice.                     
GOOD/BETTER/BEST.                                           
At good don't rest/                                         
BEST/BETTER better traps the mice.                          
                                                            
11971 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Irving Superior     P9606



That reminds me of my friend Stan,                          
Who is devising a great cunning plan                        
To take over the world,                                     
And with banner unfurled.                                   
If anyone can, Stan can.                                    
                                                            
11972 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Bob Hunt                 



"You know what they always say!"                            
Who are these people anyway?                                
They always know more,                                      
From dog fleas to whores,                                   
And you hear from them every day.                           
                                                            
11973 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



Discovery, they say, can't be taught.                       
It's something that many have sought.                       
When everyone sees                                          
The same thing, if you please,                              
It's thinking what no one has thought.                      
                                                            
11974 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Al Willis           T9801



Don't think for a minute that I                             
Am too cheap to buy cards; that's a lie.                    
Those greeting card folk                                    
Should go up in smoke.                                      
The price that they charge is too high!                     
                                                            
11975 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Al Willis                



We all live on a place named Earth,                         
On which billions have been given birth.                    
It's still very rough-hewn,                                 
To defilement not immune,                                   
Unless everyone develops self-worth.                        
                                                            
11976 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Waldo Drull              



An Indian lad said, "I say,                                 
Can you show me the way to Bombay?"                         
His friend from Trivandrum                                  
Replied, "That I can chum,                                  
For I travel that way every day."                           
                                                            
11977 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Funfax Limericks         



An obdurate fellow named Treadwell                          
Preferred the name SPEEDWELL instead. Well,                 
His father said, "Son                                       
When you leave on the run,                                  
I hope I can say that you sped well."                       
                                                            
11978 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 William K. Alsop    P9209



Said a tripper, "O joy to have found                        
Such a glory of sight and of sound!                         
How our heart-strings were stirred                          
By the song of a bird,                                      
As we scatter our litter around."                           
                                                            
11979 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Thomas Thornley          



Me, myself, and I                                           
Have often wondered why                                     
If threes a crowd,                                          
Should we three be allowed                                  
To live in the mind of one guy?                             
                                                            
11980 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Allen Robel              



A devout wish I feely confide                               
Should war or grave danger betide:                          
Were my back to the wall,                                   
I would want, above all,                                    
A true Englishman by my side.                               
                                                            
11981 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Warrick Elrod            



When speaking of facts that affront,                        
The TV must take the whole brunt.                           
It's no wonder tubes blow                                   
And the screen fills with snow                              
After facing the boobs out in front.                        
                                                            
11982 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2420



A beatnik with face full of hair                            
Did picket the New York World's Fair.                       
On his back was a sign                                      
With his thoughts on a line,                                
It proclaimed that the world was unfair.                    
                                                            
11983 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Albin Chaplin       P0212



At the end of an evening quite spacious,                    
I wound down with a story salacious.                        
I mismanaged the plot,                                      
And improved a whole lot,                                   
But my audience seemed very ungracious.                     
                                                            
11984 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Amador                   



I guess now, for all of you merkins,                        
And other strange people who're lurkin',                    
I'd better declaim                                          
Some notes to explain,                                      
Or you'll not know your keg from your firkin.               
                                                            
11985 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



A hog-eyed abortion named Mudd                              
Was like a one-eyed rotten spud.                            
His one chance to clean                                     
His person obscene,                                         
Was to wash himself out in his blood.                       
                                                            
11986 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                     G2434



A gardener, living in Barnoldswick                 (Barlick)
Once wanted to water his garlic.                            
It was futile to try,                                       
For the summer was dry                                      
And the one pump he had was hydraulic.                      
                                                            
11987 CLEAN - PEOPLE                 Harold C Bibby           



Be happy, be free, and be gay,                              
For the world brings us new things each day,                
From a new baby's cry,                                      
To a sunset red sky,                                        
For the world is our place to play.                         
                                                            
11988 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



I'm given to absquatulating.          (decamping)           
Just lately I've been apricating.     (not in my unabridged)
But, you as bathetic?                 (low, common)         
Why, that's anoetic,                  (passive receptive)   
But brain cells do need confricating. (rubbing together)    
                                                            
11989 CLEAN - PEOPLE                                          



There was an old woman named Joan                           
Who spent every day on the phone.                           
She would jabber and chat                                   
About this and that,                                        
Starting even before the dial tone.                         
                                                            
11990 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Warrick Elrod            



There once was a horny commuter                             
Who pursued a pubescent young tutor.                        
His wife had big feet,                                      
And the girl was real neat,                                 
And, what can I say, she was cuter.                         
                                                            
11991 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Al Willis                



When, a big churchyard sale, she did spy,                   
My sweetheart went abruptly awry.                           
With action bizarre,                                        
She sprang from the car,                                    
With a strange deranged look in her eye!                    
                                                            
11992 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Observer                 



Though I became fretful and worried,                        
From table to table, she hurried.                           
With nary a thought                                         
That I was distraught,                                      
Through rummage-sale items she scurried!                    
                                                            
11993 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Observer                 



She heard not my feeble outcry,                             
While she drained my bank account dry.                      
With circumstance drastic,                                  
She pulled out the plastic,                                 
And went to the sweet buy and buy!                          
                                                            
11994 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Observer                 



There is a young maid in Argyll                             
Who is thinking ahead all the while.                        
With the chances of jail,                                   
And denial of bail,                                         
She carries a very sharp file.                              
                                                            
11995 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Mervyn Cripps            



There was a young lady of Woocester                         
Who used to crow like a rooster.                            
She used to climb                                           
Seven trees at a time,                                      
But her sister used to booster.                             
                                                            
11996 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Anon                     



There once was a girl named Sue,                            
Who had a sharp rock in her shoe.                           
While getting it out,                                       
She fell on her snout,                                      
And sobbed the whole day through.                           
                                                            
11997 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE                                 



I hear there's a new kind of Barbie                         
Who is dressed up to go on safari.                          
And she is not a cream puff,                                
This new doll has no fluff;                                 
She packs darts that are tipped with curare!                
                                                            
11998 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Squeaky                  



There was an old lady of Barking                            
Thought life and its care were too carking.                 
She could not approve                                       
Of the way events move,                                     
And frowned up laughing and larking.                        
(carking - to burden with care and anxiety)                 
11999 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE                            G0518



If I am a slut, that's okay                                 
If it gets me through night to the day.                     
With all of the wooing                                      
And sucking and screwing,                                   
I'm disease free for most of the way.                       
                                                            
12000 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Travis Brasell           



Latte--to me is enigmatic,                                  
Some days she's in high, others static;                     
She's vivacious, she's bright,                              
As intriguing as night,                                     
Highly gifted, and highly erratic.                          
                                                            
12001 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Walt Fellman             



Tiny Betty lounged on her divan,                            
In the woods where a small freshet ran.                     
She said, "I should get up,                                 
But I can't get that het up,                                
Because of the lard in my can."                             
                                                            
12002 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Brandy Brandon      P9503



A spinster Miss Beatrice Gwen,                              
Was unable to find any men;                                 
Though never a wife,                                        
She lived a long life,                                      
And she died at a hundred and ten.                          
                                                            
12003 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Cap'n Bean          P0209



A teenager I knew called Arleen,                            
Had a skin that developed a sheen.                          
By using a lotion,                                          
Which was her magic potion,                                 
If nothing else, it kept her skin clean.                    
                                                            
12004 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old maid from Cape Hatteras,                   
Who found one night pinned to her matteras,                 
A short basic list,                                         
Of things she had missed,                                   
With a lengthly P.S. of et ceteras.                         
                                                            
12005 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        John Ciardi              



Today a young lady named Fred                               
Was arrested for something she said.                        
With her hand on her chin                                   
She had said with a grin,                                   
"My name is not Fred; it is Ned."                           
                                                            
12006 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Sarah Gaisford, mother of Hugh,                             
Said, of diamonds, "I do have a few.                        
They're expecially nice                                     
When you keep them on ice!                                  
I'm so glad we're rich, aren't you?"                        
                                                            
12007 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Jerry Thomas        P8302



A gallant Victorian, Frankie,                               
Retrieved a young lady's lace hanky.                        
He returned it to her;                                      
She sighed, "Thank you, kind sir,                           
But don't even THINK hanky panky!"                          
                                                            
12008 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Evelyn Bogen        P9701



There was an old lady named Gert                            
Who cried and she cried till it hurt.                       
For her home was so clean,                                  
With her vacuum machine,                                    
She no longer could find any dirt.                          
                                                            
12009 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2588



There was a young lady named Hind                           
Whom nature had treated so kind.                            
She was sweet and adorable                                  
With one thing deplorable;                                  
She never could make up her mind.                           
                                                            
12010 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Albin Chaplin            



Another big sister called Pat;                              
She has seven kids and a cat.                               
Her house is a mess,                                        
But I must confess,                                         
To not wiping my feet on the mat.                           
                                                            
12011 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Jayne                    



Nydia, Oh Nydia, though you                                 
Are our standard, we've slandered you too.                  
Thus I hereby assure                                        
You're substantially pure,                                  
And you've nary a single tattoo.                            
                                                            
12012 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Walt Fellman             



Do men really not make hot passes                           
At those women who must wear glasses?                       
I gotta get some                                            
'Fore I fall on m'bum;                                      
I guess I'll join the passless lasses.                      
                                                            
12013 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE                                 



A lady who lived by the Thames                              
Had a gorgeous collection of gems.                          
She had them reset                                          
In a large coronet                                          
And a number of small diadems.                              
                                                            
12014 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Anon (Wells) (Bibby)     



In the past I have mentioned I dabble                       
In that word game that's called simply 'Scrabble'.          
And Carole enjoys                                           
When her brain she employs                                  
To beat me until I just babble.                             
                                                            
12015 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE                                 



Rubenstein, Max Factor, and such paint                      
Makes a young lady look what she ain't.                     
On her lips and her eyes,                                   
She wears this disguise.                                    
Is it fashionable -- or simply quaint.                      
                                                            
12016 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Arthur Pattaffy          



Mercy, the meaning of Ruth,                                 
Is the seldom dominion of youth.                            
But mercy and kindness                                      
And keener of mind is                                       
Our Ruthie, that's the God-honest Truth.                    
                                                            
12017 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Walt Fellman             



When Harriet just couldn't sleep,                           
Her doctor said, "Try counting sleep."                      
"I've tried," she replied,                                  
"But half of them died,                                     
Before I got more than a peep."                             
                                                            
12018 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Funfax Limericks         



There was a strange woman named Bon,                        
Who had a strange dream just at dawn.                       
She was invisible;                                          
This may seem quizzical,                                    
But when she woke up, she was gone.                         
                                                            
12019 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE                                 



There was an old hag from Spokane,                          
Who never could find her a man.                             
She smeared on so much gook                                 
That she looked like a spook,                               
And smelled like an old garbage can.                        
                                                            
12020 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Albin Chaplin            



A matron who came from Ipswitch                             
Was hoity and toity and rich.                               
With her nose held so high                                  
She could see the whole sky,                                
But she should have watching the ditch.                     
                                                            
12021 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Warrick Elrod            



A tired trainee at Hughes Hall                              
One day on her blackboard did scrawl,                       
"I've quite had my fill.                                    
Do just as you will.                                        
You're driving me right up the wall!"                       
(Hughes Hall of Cambridge)                                  
12022 CLEAN - PEOPLE - FEMALE        Harold C. Bibby          



As I was going down the lane,                               
I met a man doing the same.                                 
He did exclaim                                              
And drew his cane.                                          
In this riddle, I've told you his name.                     
(Andrew)                                                    
12023 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Limerick Book       P8602



There was a young man of St. Kitts,                         
Who was very much troubled with fits;                       
The eclipse of the moon                                     
Threw him into a swoon;                                     
When he tumbled and broke into bits.                        
(C. Wells said this was popular in 1834)                    
12024 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Published 1822           



There was a young man who appeared                          
To his friends with a full growth of beard;                 
They at once said, "Although                                
We can't say why it's so,                                   
The effect is uncommonly weird."                            
                                                            
12025 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Edward Gorey             



A hard-working fellow was Hame;                             
He struggled and gained himself fame.                       
In Society's eyes,                                          
He was noble and wise,                                      
But his parents both Beatniks became.                       
                                                            
12026 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2610



Sakumbe, when full of arrack,                               
Slapped Cohen, his friend, on the back,                     
And cried, "You're all right!                               
Though your skin may be white,                              
At heart, you are thoroughly black."                        
                                                            
12027 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



There was a young man of Stamfordham,                       
Who suffered interminable boredom.                          
His friends did their best                                  
To engage his interest,                                     
But he just turned his back and ignored 'em.                
                                                            
12028 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Janet Muggeridge         



There once was an eager boy scout,                          
Who helped older ladies about.                              
While crossing the street,                                  
He was struck by a fleet                                    
Of trucks, and got turned into nowt.                        
                                                            
12029 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Timothy Torkildson       



When Isambard Kingdom Brunel                                
Was asked by a stranger to tell                             
How he made all those bridges                               
And ships (but not fridges),                                
He replied, "I don't know. Will they sell?"                 
                                                            
12030 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Funfax Limericks         



"There's no mail in this box!" he said, chokin'             
And no sooner that it had been spoken,                      
He exclaimed with a shriek                                  
"I've no mail all week!                                     
I believe that my mailbox is broken."                       
(change he to she and mail to male and this is funny! - McW)
12031 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



An old collier, confused by the strike,                     
Went along to the pit on his bike.                          
But on joining the picket,                                  
Shouted slogans like "Stick it!"                            
To the strikers and workers alike.                          
                                                            
12032 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          X. Rowland Burnham  P8512



There once was a guy who was cool;                          
You knew he was nobody's fool.                              
He'd say with a grin,                                       
"Just look at my chin,"                                     
And you'd see it there, covered with drool.                 
                                                            
12033 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



A man of terrific physique,                                 
Took a bath every day in a creek.                           
Till one day it ran dry,                                    
Then he said with a sigh,                                   
"Call the plumber!  This thing's sprung a leak!"            
                                                            
12034 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



A misogynist, call him anon,                                
Excreted some cretinous spawn                               
About women's rights                                        
And just what excites                                       
Men's interest and how they are drawn...                    
                                                            
12035 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



Did you hear of the man from Algiers                        
Who used to catch rain in his ears?                         
Then one day he failed                                      
When it suddenly hailed,                                    
And now he cries ice cubes for tears.                       
                                                            
12036 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Brandy Brandon      P9407



There was an old fellow named Jack,                         
Down to earth and quite matter of fact.                     
He put fools in their place,                                
Called an ass to his face,                                  
And at times damned the whole human pack.                   
                                                            
12037 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Warrick Elrod            



An old East End worker call Jock                            
Lived a life full of danger and shock.                      
Even now, if one calls,                                     
He will tell of his falls                                   
In the Royal Victoria Dock.                                 
                                                            
12038 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Victor Gray         P9002



A young mountaineer called Vic                              
Became quite close friends with a stick.                    
He took it for walks                                        
And they had little talks,                                  
Then it left him to live with a brick.                      
                                                            
12039 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Michael Palin            



A Yorkshireman living in Worcester                          
Said to this wife, "Fetch a duster.                         
This table from Hull                                        
Has gone a bit dull.                                        
A duster will bring back its lustre."                       
                                                            
12040 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Michael Palin            



My Dad said, "Now listen, Joe,                              
Off to school, you really must go,"                         
But he was a gent,                                          
What the guy really meant,                                  
I didn't know what I didn't know.                           
                                                            
12041 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Joe McEwen          P9505



In Stockholm, a young man called Svin                       
Had long whiskers down from his chin.                       
"At home I get by                                           
Without wearing a tie                                       
Since I am, in the end, just a Finn,"                       
(last line in limerick newletter)                           
12042 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Fred Cohen          P8601



An agreeable gent from Bayonne,                             
Tried to maintain a positive tone,                          
But when toffs on a toot                                    
Put a fish in his boot,                                     
Everyone on the strand heard him groan.                     
                                                            
12043 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Dogbard                  



There was a young fellow named Jack                         
Who screamed as he sat on a tack.                           
He flew through the air                                     
While clutching his hair,                                   
And then flew immediately back.                             
                                                            
12044 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



A kindly old fellow call Clore                              
Gave all that he had to the poor;                           
But, alas and alack,                                        
They would not give it back,                                
So he's not giving them any more.                           
                                                            
12045 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Michael Palin            



Said a boastful young student from Hayes,                   
As he entered the Hampton Court Maze,                       
"There's nothing in it.                                     
I won't be a minute."                                       
He's been missing for forty-one days.                       
                                                            
12046 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Frank Richards           



There was a young man who I met,                            
Who said, "The one thing I regret,                          
Is a moment of mirth                                        
With a soldier from Perth,                                  
And a barbershop singing quartet."                          
                                                            
12047 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Richard Long             



A pompous young man named O'Neal,                           
Has charm and good looks and appeal;                        
Yet friends never raise                                     
Their voices in praise --                                   
They don't have to because they know he'll.                 
                                                            
12048 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Margaret A. Murdock P8402



Three cheers for the person of Kent,                        
Who took flowers wherever he went.                          
Narcissi and roses                                          
He scattered in posies                                      
From Newport to Burton-on-Trent.                            
                                                            
12049 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named John                         
Who roamed dreamily hither and yon.                         
One would see him and shout                                 
As he wandered about,                                       
But before he looked 'round, he'd have gone.                
                                                            
12050 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



There once was a man named Patel                            
Who managed a cozy hotel.                                   
One day, in a hurry,                                        
He slipped on some curry,                                   
And now he's a human pret-zel!                              
                                                            
12051 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Brian                    



There was a young person of Leicester                       
Whose purpose in Life was to pester:                        
To, "How do you do?"                                        
His reply, "Go and stew!"                                   
Was offensive and likely to fester.                         
                                                            
12052 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man, name of Fred,                        
Who spent every Thursday in bed;                            
He lay with his feet                                        
Outside of the sheet,                                       
And the pillows on top of his head.                         
                                                            
12053 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Edward Gorey             



A young Semite named Abraham Braudis                        
Hated "Victimae Paschali Laudes".                           
"It's unfair to the Jews"                                   
Quoth the lad, "And I chose                                 
To protest."  Now he works for the Saudis.                  
                                                            
12054 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



The name of my boss is John Merritt;                        
He politics just like a ferret.                             
He hired his crew,                                          
And he'll hire you too,                                     
If you repeat what he says like a parrot.                   
                                                            
12055 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Someone in Austin        



A schoolboy from old County Down,                           
Imagined that he was a clown.                               
He threw paint at the girls,                                
Which messed up their curls,                                
Then he cried when they jumped on his crown.                
                                                            
12056 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Mike O'Conner            



A lodger from Brighton called Briggs                        
Had a penchant for syrup of figs;                           
Though he did what he could,                                
The results were so good,                                   
He had to keep moving his digs.                             
                                                            
12057 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Michael Palin            



There once was a fellow called Skaggs                       
Who kept all his things in black bags.                      
When people asked why                                       
He'd admit, with a sigh,                                    
There were certainly all sorts of snags.                    
                                                            
12058 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Michael Palin            



There was a young man of St. Bees,                          
Who had the most knobby of knees;                           
So just for a lark,                                         
He stood in the park,                                       
Where they looked like the trunks of old trees.             
                                                            
12059 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Cyril Bibby         P9307



A young man grew increasingly peaky,                        
In a house where the hinges were squeaky.                   
The ferns curled up brown,                                  
The ceilings flaked down,                                   
And all of the faucets were leaky.                          
                                                            
12060 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Edward Gorey             



There is an old fellow named Mark,                          
Who lives in a tree in the park.                            
You can see him each night,                                 
By his library light,                                       
Turning over the leaves after dark.                         
                                                            
12061 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          James Montgomery Flagg   



If it's management men you pursue                           
Don't hunt every beast in the zoo.                          
Just look for the signs                                     
That say: "Tigers and Lions."                               
It isn't how many...it's who!                               
                                                            
12062 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Alexander G. Ross   P9611



The Million Man March, so they say,                         
Was a winner in evey way.                                   
Over 900 thou.                                              
Assembled somehow.                                          
Thirteen of them missed work that day.                      
                                                            
12063 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



There once was a grey PhD                                   
Without whose alliance I'd be                               
In a prison cell cramped,                                   
Or beneath a bridge, camped,                                
For the man is more than his degree.                        
                                                            
12064 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Lake Erie,                       
Who felt that his life was quite dreary.                    
He'd three kids and a spouse,                               
A big yellow house,                                         
And debts that left him quite teary.                        
                                                            
12065 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Bonnie B.                



Joe Hitler (old joke) changed his name.                     
Got tired of hearing that same                              
"Hello", and then, "Joe                                     
Well whaddya know?"                                         
And so Henry Hitler became.                                 
                                                            
12066 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Irving Superior     P9507



A newspaper reader named Gage,                              
Would fly in a terrible rage,                               
When he would choose                                        
To read some big news,                                      
And find it continued...                                    
                        next page!                          
12067 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          New Comic Limericks P9602



Infinitesimal James                                         
Had nine unpronounceable names;                             
He wrote them all down,                                     
With a mortified frown,                                     
And threw the whole lot in the flames.                      
                                                            
12068 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Carolyn Wells       P8912



Of wit, old Joe thinks he's endowed,                        
"Half right," he is viewed by the crowd;                    
On Joe's epitaph:                                           
"He made us all laugh,                                      
But at him, not with him, out loud!"                        
                                                            
12069 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



A man we all know, called Joel Keizer,                      
Spouts thoughts and ideas like a geyser.                    
But I fear they all tend                                    
To spout from the wrong end,                                
Leaving nobody any bit wiser.                               
                                                            
12070 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Anon                     



Jim Peacock's a haughty old bird.                           
Never offers a smile or a word.                             
When asked for a feather,                                   
He said, "In this weather?                                  
You'll give me the flu! It's absurd!"                       
                                                            
12071 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Funfax Limericks         



There was a young printer named Castorisk                   
Whose dignity he was the last to risk.                      
He always took care                                         
When his boss was there                                     
'Cause he was not eager his *.                              
                                                            
12072 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Cliff Rather        P9009



There was an old man named Gilhooly,                        
So vulgar, uncouth and unruly,                              
And so full of deceit,                                      
And with hate so replete,                                   
That he would not sign letters, Yours Truly.                
                                                            
12073 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2589



The new billionaire, Quenton J Nape,                        
Languishes off Canaveral's Cape.                            
He's a lesson to teach                                      
The would-be nouveau riche:                                 
"Deal in plastic sheeting and duct tape."                   
                                                            
12074 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



A hapless old person named Hall,                            
Through his predisposition to fall                          
Off the White Cliffs of Dover,                              
And pull people over,                                       
Was shunned and rejected by all.                            
                                                            
12075 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Mark Wainwright          



There was an old toff named De Vere,                        
Who called every young person, dear.                        
Some girls took offense,                                    
And told him to dispense                                    
With this habit; "Please don't do that there here."         
                                                            
12076 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Arthur Pattaffy          



When he'd mention his name, folks would blurt               
Out a snort or guffaw, which would hurt.                    
This staid man of calm sense                                
Showed control most intense,                                
As required, if your name is Phil Durte.                    
                                                            
12077 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



A finicky Finn from Helsinki                                
Complained that his skin wasn't pinky.                      
So he went on the lam                                       
With a large tin of SPAM,                                   
Now he's pink as a skink but quite stinky.                  
                                                            
12078 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Mike O'Conner            



A philosopher out in Mount Holly                            
Writes books on the world and its folly;                    
When he has to relax                                        
From his savage attacks,                                    
He likes to play trains with his dolly.                     
                                                            
12079 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Morris Bishop       P8804



There has been a considerable noise                         
On the difference between men and boys.                     
But close observation                                       
Reveals the causation,                                      
It is merely the price of their toys.                       
                                                            
12080 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2726



How I envy your strong Mr. Ott;                             
How much he improved his whole lot.                         
Though I'd love to be                                       
As defiant as he,                                           
A dominant male I am not                                    
                                                            
12081 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          A Nebish            P0207



My life has been just the reverse;                          
Each demeaning event I must curse.                          
As my best friend has quipped,                              
I'm just pussy-whipped;                                     
I even will carry her purse.                                
                                                            
12082 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          A Nebish            P0207



I started out cocky and proud                               
A leader in my little crowd                                 
Then I felt so much pain                                    
When the girls would complain                               
That I was so poorly endowed                                
                                                            
12083 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          A Nebish            P0207



From Armed Forces service I'm free                          
They said it's because of my knee                           
I tried to enlist                                           
But was told to desist                                      
Uncle Sam wanted you, but not me                            
                                                            
12084 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          A Nebish            P0207



From then on the matters got worse;                         
Female editors scorned all my verse.                        
Although I'm not to blame,                                  
If my luck stays the same,                                  
They'll be getting flat tires on my hearse.                 
                                                            
12085 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          A Nebish            P0207



The very first butler I'll get,                             
When I reach my six-figure net.                             
Regardless his name,                                        
He must play the game                                       
And answer when I call him Rhett.                           
                                                            
12086 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Irving Superior     P9912



There lives in our attic, young Roger,                      
A very agreeable lodger.                                    
He never complains,                                         
And we hope he remains                                      
Our lodger till Roger's a codger.                           
                                                            
12087 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Cybergeezer              



There was a young fellow so poor,                           
He lived in a half-finished sewer.                          
He never complained                                         
Though at times, when it rained,                            
He did find life hard to endure.                            
                                                            
12088 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          John Ciardi              



Did you hear about Arty McCarty,                            
He sent out the cards for a party.                          
But so snooty and few                                       
Were the people he knew,                                    
That no one was there but poor Arty.                        
                                                            
12089 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



There once was a young man of Crete                         
Who constantly stood on his fete;                           
"I am tempted," he said,                                    
"To stand on my head--                                      
But I fear that would be indiscrete."                       
                                                            
12090 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Norm Storer              



A guy named Jacques Archambeault                            
Lived in a bucket of goo.                                   
Half-filled with sand,                                      
He tried to pretend                                         
It was the most norm thing to do.                           
                                                            
12091 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a rude fellow called Dean,                        
Who swallowed a washing machine.                            
Now his taste buds                                          
Are covered with suds,                                      
And all of his jokes are quite clean.                       
                                                            
12092 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Funfax Limericks         



There's an old snootin' fart from Texas,                    
He refused to pay off his taxes.                            
And whenever they come                                      
And they say he's a bum,                                    
He goes off to them hills and relaxes.                      
                                                            
12093 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Sven                     



There were two young men of Damascus,                       
Who said, "There's no problem can task us.                  
We are both very smart --                                   
If there's doubt in your heart,                             
We can settle your doubts if you ask us."                   
                                                            
12094 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2531



A Sierra man off on a spree                                 
Was seen to be hugging a tree.                              
"It's just for a lark,                                      
And the love of its bark,                                   
And its branches are something to see."                     
                                                            
12095 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE                                   



"Your aptitude test on the whole,"                          
The counselor told Mr. Noel,                                
Is conclusive, my friend,                                   
So what I'd recommend                                       
Is that you apply for the dole.                             
                                                            
12096 CLEAN - PEOPLE - MALE          A. N. Wilkins       P8609



There was an old man eating curds,                          
Who said "Getting old's for the birds.                      
Joints don't work so good,                                  
Not like they should,                                       
And actions creak louder than words."                       
                                                            
12097 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Ron Sartain              



Youth yearns to seem grown-up, mature,                      
Says often, "I'm older than you're";                        
Age, taken aback,                                           
Mounts a counter-attack,                                    
Says, "Son, that's a crock of manure."                      
                                                            
12098 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Laurence Perrine    P8509



I have trouble in setting my mind                           
To the details of things, and I find                        
That the purpose is lost,                                   
So the matter is tossed;                                    
What's in front is too often behind.                        
                                                            
12099 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Eric Hinds               



Old age--is it blessing or curse?                           
To grow old, I'm not wholly adverse.                        
Though I know it's not bliss,                               
I must ponder on this:                                      
The alternative's clearly much worse.                       
                                                            
12100 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           William N. Nesbit   P9605



Recently it's been told, don't you know,                    
Where all the aging Stepford Wives go.                      
Perhaps you can guess where.                                
When they're ancient hardware                               
They're displayed on the Antique Road Show.                 
                                                            
12101 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



Some elderly, nearing senescence,                           
Enjoying a youthful accrescence                             
Of amorous strength,                                        
Appear, at some length,                                     
To value prolonged adolescence.                             
                                                            
12102 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           R. J. Winkler       P8502



I roamed a junkyard yesterday;                              
A home for old folks final stay.                            
They'd love to be missed,                                   
But simply exist.                                           
Better off dead than thrown away.                           
                                                            
12103 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Doctor Wryme       TP9802



In childhood, it's easy to feel                             
The eternal suffusing the real.                             
But as the beholder                                         
Gets steadily older,                                        
It doesn't seem such a big deal.                            
                                                            
12104 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Nigel Andrew             



A clever ploy here, folks, I sing-o:                        
It's really a cracker, by jingo.                            
If you have a care                                          
To make old ladies swear,                                   
Then stand up and yell the word "Bingo!"                    
                                                            
12105 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



There was an old lady named Randalls,                       
Whose age was the subject of scandals.                      
When she reached her birth date,                            
She was just twenty-eight,                                  
Yet she blew for an hour on the candles.                    
                                                            
12106 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Albin Chaplin            



There was an old man named Abe Gluck                        
Whose life was just filled with hard luck.                  
Said he, "I was born                                        
'Neath the sign of the horn                                 
With the seat back and tray table stuck."                   
                                                            
12107 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Arthur Deex         P9406



Seniors tell us they hate being told                        
Of the Golden Years Joys of the old.                        
"If that's true," they complain,                            
"Then will you please explain,                              
Why are liver spots brown, never gold?"                     
                                                            
12108 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Evelyn Bogen        P9605



"If not well, call in sick," I've been told.                
Now I think I am getting a cold.                            
And my arthritis aches.                                     
And I'm having the shakes.                                  
And I'm tired.  So I'm calling in "old".                    
                                                            
12109 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           William N Nesbit    P0107



At the hardware store they call Jack's,                     
I told the store clerk the facts:                           
For cutting up wood,                                        
A chainsaw'd be good,                                       
As I'm getting too old for an axe.                          
                                                            
12110 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



There was an old miser of Lyme                              
Who saved every nickel and dime.                            
He would save anything,                                     
Even pieces of string,                                      
And thought sexual spending a crime.                        
                                                            
12111 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                               G2408



I have often been credibly told                             
That when people are awfully old,                           
Though cigars are a curse,                                  
And strong waters are worse,                                
There is nothing so fatal as cold.                          
                                                            
12112 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Hilaire Belloc    (Bibby)



There is an old lady called Maud                            
Who compulsively prays to the Lord.                         
She gabbles away                                            
For twelve hours a day;                                     
He must get so terribly bored.                              
                                                            
12113 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



For your head he has got a big bludgeon;                    
Always in a state of High Dudgeon.                          
He'll yell at the trains,                                   
He'll beat out your brains --                               
You neighbor grey-haired Curmudgeon!                        
                                                            
12114 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           George                   



If it's not something wrong with an eye,                    
Or some blood cells of which we are shy,                    
Or the heart skipped a beat,                                
Or the swelling of feet;                                    
How the days of old-age worry by.                           
                                                            
12115 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Irving Superior     P9607



It's increasingly often that I                              
Find myself in a grey suite and tie                         
Sipping wine, eating cakes,                                 
At retirements and wakes...                                 
How the days of our youth hurry by.                         
                                                            
12116 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           William Newbit      P9606



In the long distant past he'd been carded;                  
Now he'd take that as being rewarded.                       
Since his hair has turned white,                            
He's perceived overnight                                    
As invisible, deaf and retarded.                            
                                                            
12117 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



As an adult, I really learned fast                          
To become a firm iconoclast!                                
Now I'm getting older,                                      
It's fun to be bolder                                       
And maybe develop a "Past."                                 
                                                            
12118 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Barb                     



Chest out, shoulders back, standing straight:               
The posture I took to lure Kate                             
Who fished by be near,                                      
But all I could hear                                        
Was "Gramps, can you spare me some bait?"                   
                                                            
12119 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Travis Brasell           



There was an old lady of Reading,                           
Who never knew where she was heading.                       
She'd start in the east,                                    
On her way to a feast,                                      
And end in the north at a wedding.                          
                                                            
12120 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



An inebriate old diplomat,                                  
At dinners forgot where he sat.                             
He'd been given the names                                   
Of his left and right dames,                                
But he'd wander, in spite of all that.                      
                                                            
12121 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Warrick Eldon            



Edaciously scarfing each hour,                              
My life the days quickly devour,                            
Until all of a sudden,                                      
My youth, well, it wudden'                                  
And well into old age I now are.                            
                                                            
12122 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Gary Hallock             



An octogenarian named Clive                                 
Said he was glad he was still alive.                        
80 candle birthday cake --                                  
It was not yet a wake;                                      
Like a car he was in overdrive!                             
                                                            
12123 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Arthur Pattaffy          



In time, the destruction of order                           
Makes bodily attibutes broader,                             
'Til everything slips                                       
To the buttocks and hips,                                   
In chaotic and flabby disorder.                             
                                                            
12124 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Peter Wilkins            



I'm combing what's left of my hair,                         
And trying to dress with some flair.                        
I might be fair game.                                       
(They've lowered their aim.)                                
Oh Shit! I fell out of my chair!                            
                                                            
12125 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Angel Deva               



Fair of face, strong of arm, warm of groin,                 
All these, time will erase or purloin.                      
Should your years exceed few,                               
You've a membership due                                     
In a club you'll be forced to join.                         
                                                            
12126 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9707



A fist fight at Sonata Bay                                  
Was avoided in quite a strange way,                         
When two elderly men                                        
Tried to argue and then                                     
Plumb forgot what they wanted to say!                       
                                                            
12127 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Ally Ann                 



I once worked in a home for old folk,                       
The wages were simply a joke!                               
Mealtimes were all gore,                                    
There was pee on the floor,                                 
And those poor dears would frequently croak!                
                                                            
12128 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Jayne                    



Keep pace with your database;                               
Make haste and data interlace.                              
But don't ever forget                                       
It's a safety net;                                          
Research it does not replace.                               
                                                            
12129 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



If you aim to reclaim a surname,                            
Know that pain is the name of the game.                     
Even though it's not fair,                                  
Dead no longer care                                         
If your results are lame or bring fame!                     
                                                            
12130 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



Those researching Genealogy                                 
Are frustrated not infrequently.                            
Some past kin left no trace;                                
They just left the earth's face,                            
Stranding searchers up the family tree.                     
                                                            
12131 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



A genealogist and I sat to dine;                            
He told of researching a line.                              
It was boring to me                                         
As you plainly can see,                                     
'Cause none of the ancestors were mine.                     
                                                            
12132 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



There was an old man who was cold;                          
He said, "I have often been told:                           
Temperatures decline                                        
For a body like mine,                                       
As soon as one starts getting old."                         
                                                            
12133 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Tony Burrell             



With inflation you hopelessly vie                           
While your waistline starts hiding your fly.                
And the Law Murphy wrote                                    
Is an everyday quote;                                       
How the days of mid-age scurry by.                          
                                                            
12134 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Irving Superior     P9607



Alas, getting old happens fast.                             
I'm starting to dwell in the past.                          
Seems I just got over acne,                                 
Now arthritic pains attack me.                              
Good things just don't seem to last.                        
                                                            
12135 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Kent Hake           P9607



I'm getting deep lines on my forehead.                      
My face is becoming quite florid.                           
I measure with dread                                        
My middle-aged spread.                                      
I think growing old is most horrid.                         
                                                            
12136 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Ron Rubin                



An elderly fellow named Zack                                
Complained, "There is something I lack:                     
A firm guarantee                                            
I'll reach two hundred three,                               
Will all of me fully intact."                               
                                                            
12137 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Observer                 



There once was a man who said, "Hey!                        
Many happy returns of the day!                              
If I may be so bold,                                        
You are getting quite old,                                  
And soon you'll be haggard and grey."                       
                                                            
12138 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Richard Long             



"I support free expression by each                          
And by all," said an old man named Beach.                   
"But these urban disasters                                  
They call ghettoblasters!                                   
I do oppose freedom of screech!"                            
                                                            
12139 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           A. N. Wilkins       P8509



An average person's senescence                              
Is signaled by marked evenescence                           
Of vigorous health                                          
That once was the wealth                                    
Of blossoming fresh adolescence.                            
                                                            
12140 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           R. J. Winkler       P8502



"Gerontology," Dr. Onassis                                  
Informs his advanced college classes,                       
"Is a science withal.                                       
It helps people recall                                      
What it is that they did with their glasses."               
                                                            
12141 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           A. N. Wilkins       P8509



Said a senile old lady of Bristol,                          
"I own a most dangerous pistol.                             
I've hid it away                                            
In my upstairs foyer,                                       
Though I'm not sure if that's where it is still."           
                                                            
12142 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Keith Gilman        P0202



An elderly fellow named Pete                                
Died in the summertime heat:                                
One hundred degrees                                         
With nary a breeze;                                         
It knocked him right off of his feet.                       
                                                            
12143 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Cap'n Bean          P0208



How long am I gonna be here?                                
Am I getting at least one more year?                        
Or decades (I pray!)                                        
Or perhaps -- just a day!                                   
It's that very last lap that I fear.                        
                                                            
12144 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Cap'n bean          P0307



My memory's good as they get                                
(It's better than yours, I would bet!)                      
However, I find                                             
That to save my behind,                                     
I can swallow my pride and "forget!"                        
                                                            
12145 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



I looked in the mirror today,                               
Cried, "Oh!  What the hell, go away!"                       
Can you see a trace                                         
On this stupid face                                         
That next month's the 3-2 birthday?                         
                                                            
12146 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



I'm told I've become quite passe.                           
I've noticed my hair's turning gray.                        
It don't take a sage                                        
To know, at my age,                                         
Any day above ground's a good day.                          
                                                            
12147 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Observer                 



I can't chew; I can't screw; I get gas;                     
All my organs are failing, en masse;                        
Now it hurts when I pee;                                    
I can't taste, I can't see;                                 
Golden years, you can kiss my old ass.                      
                                                            
12148 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           William N. Nesbit   P9605



If I do I'll defy you to gauge                              
(If you like) my approximate age...                         
...But fuck, I don't care                                   
About age wear and tear;                                    
I prefer to appear like a sage.                             
                                                            
12149 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



I'll now state, if you won't think me bold                  
This most basic truth on which I'm sold.                    
Without contradiction,                                      
It's my strong conviction                                   
That longevity makes us grow old.                           
                                                            
12150 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



I'm getting old timer's disease;                            
My breathing sounds more like a wheeze.                     
I forgot to scrub                                           
The ring from the tub,                                      
And where it was I put my keys.                             
                                                            
12151 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Limericks by Mollyanna   



I mislay things and it is a grind                           
For lost loves and lost car keys I've pined.                
I've stopped trying to keep                                 
Any track of lost sheep,                                    
But what I miss most is my mind.                            
                                                            
12152 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9612



At eighty, one lives among pills                            
For respite from multiple ills.                             
One's living costs geyser,                                  
One doesn't get wiser,                                      
And one's mail consists mainly of bills.                    
                                                            
12153 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Laurence Perrine    P8509



My age does not cause me stressie;                          
I don't think I'm as old as Bessie.                         
What causes me greef                                        
And makes me beef,                                          
Is all those candles make my cake messy.                    
                                                            
12154 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



Great day, would you look at that sight;                    
My birthday cake candles are bright!                        
Whoa! Holy molasses,                                        
I need my sunglasses:                                       
They light up the whole 'Bama night!                        
                                                            
12155 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



The late years of life pose a curse,                        
With the vagaries of age growing worse.                     
The solution is clear:                                      
Get rid of the beer,                                        
And marry a nurse with a purse.                             
                                                            
12156 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           The Sailor          P0310



As we get older, I know                                     
That hearing's the first thing to go.                       
Then memory is next,                                        
But I'm really quite vexed,                                 
I've forgotten the rest;  Ah!  Oh no!                       
                                                            
12157 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



There was an old tramp. nicknamed Bert,                     
Who spent all his life in the dirt.                         
He was called many names,                                   
Because he went lame;                                       
He said names couldn't harm him, or hurt.                   
                                                            
12158 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Arthur Pattaffy          



To my age I must now acquiesce                              
But	I heed the world's rules less and less.                 
I have sins to transgress                                   
And more blondes to caress                                  
And no one I need to impress!                               
                                                            
12159 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           L E Ott             P0206



You cannot deny being "olden",                              
And your youth was outstandingly "golden".                  
Get down from the shelf--                                   
Golden Oldie yourself!                                      
To none other, you need be beholden.                        
                                                            
12160 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Laurence Perrine    P9207



I'm supposed to see things more maturely;                   
In fact, I see things much more poorly.                     
Today I turned forty,                                       
Not quite rigor morti,                                      
But I'm getting there, slowly but surely.                   
                                                            
12161 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Mr Malo                  



The nurse quickly sought to induce                          
The elderly fellow named Bruce,                             
To kindly refrain                                           
From doing again,                                           
Sneezing while drinking prune juice.                        
                                                            
12162 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Observer                 



When young, my whole life was a whirl.                      
'Twas my oyster, and I sought the pearl!                    
Now pearl-less, but older,                                  
And wiser, not bolder--                                     
I guess I've become quite a churl.                          
                                                            
12163 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Stu Lucas           P9608



As I contemplate living in sin,                             
I wonder just where to begin.                               
Although I am aging,                                        
My hormones are raging;                                     
I've got a damn zit on my chin!                             
                                                            
12164 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Island Singer            



Was I forty just ten years ago?                             
At the time, I was feeling gung ho.                         
Are my numbers wrong?                                       
Is this my swan song?                                       
My good wife swears that I'm seven O.                       
                                                            
12165 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Al Willis           P9607



The nursing home's silence was shattered                    
And all of the nursing staff scattered                      
When old geezer Stoner                                      
Shot wads from his boner,                                   
Which knocked down his fan and it clattered.                
                                                            
12166 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Travis Brasell           



These resorts abound with the old,                          
Who do nothing but quibble and scold,                       
Discussing their tumors                                     
And stock market rumors.                                    
They are tangibly covered with mold.                        
                                                            
12167 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           George Libaire           



Hot flashes and menopause rage,                             
And memory loss hard to guage.                              
I should take it in stride,                                 
And just let it ride,                                       
But it's hell getting old at my age!                        
                                                            
12168 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Donna B                  



I'd prefer to have memories rationed;                       
Even better they'd be less impassioned.                     
When seeing old photos                                      
Of folks, clothes, and autos,                               
At the time, they did not seem old fashioned.               
                                                            
12169 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



A sunburned galoot named O'Malley                           
Lived ninety-nine years in Death Valley.                    
Now that poor wrinkled chap                                 
Is as lined as a map,                                       
So the folks call him old Rand McNally.                     
                                                            
12170 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Ray Driver               



You say that adults have no fun.                            
I'm afraid I have news for you, son;                        
Your hates misdirected;                                     
Our fun is selected.                                        
I know 'cause I'm just sixty one.                           
                                                            
12171 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Alan Chilver             



There once was a fellow named Timothy,                      
Who was known for excessive opsimathy.                      
At seventy-four,                                            
He could open a door,                                       
Which he took for a sign of polymathy.                      
(opsimathy - a person who begins to learn late in life)     
12172 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Michael Green            



I remember when romance was cool,                           
And when passion would savagely rule;                       
I remember the humping,                                     
The groping and bumping,                                    
But now I cannot find my tool.                              
                                                            
12173 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Cap'n Bean          P0307



Wonder of wonder -- you're alive                            
That glorious day you turn sixty-five!                      
Retired from your job,                                      
You are a house slob,                                       
And the place has turned into a dive.                       
                                                            
12174 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Marlene                  



There was an old man named Blantyre                         
Reached the age when he had to retire.                      
Many years full of toil                                     
Kept his blood at the boil.                                 
Is he happy now?  Yes!  (He's a liar!)                      
                                                            
12175 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old person who tried                           
To take everything in his stride.                           
When informed that a rose                                   
Grew out of his nose,                                       
"I imagined as much," he replied.                           
                                                            
12176 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



A hermit who sat on a pole,                                 
Said, "Will someone please bring me more coal.              
My food's getting cold,                                     
And I'm getting old,                                        
While trying to save my lost soul."                         
                                                            
12177 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Mike O'Conner            



How subtly hath time in his flight                          
Waged war on my might and my light.                         
Now as I grow old                                           
And crave peace, I am told                                  
I must rage, rage against it. GOOD NIGHT!                   
                                                            
12178 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Laurence Perrine    P9004



The unknown addition was poop,                              
So my apologies to the group.                               
I blame the pills                                           
I take for my ills,                                         
But senility is the straight scoop.                         
                                                            
12179 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Anon                     



It ain't necessarily so;                                    
Age doesn't always falter, I know.                          
Several old gaffers                                         
Who hang from the rafters                                   
And swing with the strength of a pro.                       
                                                            
12180 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Luana Nemaste            



When asked tricky questions, Old Riley                      
Would simply reply, very dryly,                             
"I'm sorry, old bean,                                       
I don't know what you mean,"                                
Then sidle off home, smiling wryly.                         
                                                            
12181 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Michael Palin            



When two lovers get older than shit,                        
They will scrap that Malthusian kit,                        
But leave dentures to soak,                                 
In a glass; that's no joke;                                 
If cement slips, somebody gets bit!                         
                                                            
12182 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



To get old is to live in obscurity,                         
A life of reflection and purity.                            
As you wither and rot,                                      
There's one monthly bright spot --                          
It's that check from Social Security.                       
                                                            
12183 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Writerman                



There was an old miser of whom                              
Little good could be said, I presume.                       
His cash did him credit,                                    
But though no one said it,                                  
He stank like the dungheap of Doom.                         
                                                            
12184 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           John Ciardi              



A snooty old female named Pat                               
Turned her nose up at this and at that.                     
When neighbors came high her                                
She turned her nose higher --                               
When she sneezed, she would blow off her hat.               
                                                            
12185 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Clifford M. Christ  P8407



They say that the good all die young;                       
That's a tenet to which I have clung.                       
'Cause with my dirty mind,                                  
I think I should find                                       
That I live until 301.                                      
                                                            
12186 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Tiddy Ogg                



At twenty: For girls he can bed.                            
At sixty, the same fellow said:                             
"An excellent dinner                                        
Suits me as a sinner."                                      
At eighty: "Good bowels and clear head."                    
                                                            
12187 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Bill Backe-Hansen   P9104



Old Francis was long in the tooth                           
When he challenged a fuzzy faced youth.                     
He prevailed, using guile,                                  
An unorthodox style,                                        
And tactics considered uncouth.                             
                                                            
12188 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           William N. Nesbit   P9511



In United States it's all the rage:                         
Application of duck tape as you age.                        
In flesh tone up here,                                      
From your chin to your ear,                                 
People won't guess you're a sage.                           
                                                            
12189 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



There was an old person who tended                          
To utter, "How perfectly splendid!"                         
With such a degree                                          
Of inaccuracy                                               
That acquaintences oft were offended.                       
                                                            
12190 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD                                    



There was an old woman named Grace                          
Who moved at a lazy snail's pace.                           
If you followed behind,                                     
You would soon come to find                                 
That you never would get any place.                         
                                                            
12191 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           John Miller              



This morning, I said to my wife,                            
"Aging brings worry and strife.                             
My knees won't bend;                                        
My back's out again;                                        
I wish youth came later in life!"                           
                                                            
12192 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Ron Sartain              



I'm deaf and I can't find my glasses;                       
No longer I'm chasing the lasses;                           
My pace has decreased,                                      
My friends are deceased;                                    
It's amazing how youthfulness passes.                       
                                                            
12193 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD           Cap'n Bean          P0307



Rolling home after having a glass                           
(Or two) of both Carlsberg and Bass,                        
We were walking along                                       
Singing a song,                                             
When the graveyard we happened to pass.                     
                                                            
12194 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Then Tom got a bright idea,                                 
"Come on lads, let's go in here.                            
The stones we will scan                                     
'Til we find the man.                                       
Who's the oldest."  We went with no fear.                   
                                                            
12195 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Then Tom searching round by a tree                          
Said "Look here lads. Come and see.                         
Here lies old Jones,                                        
He made some old bones,                                     
He lasted 'til age 83."                                     
                                                            
12196 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



But I wandered by the church door                           
And called "Look here, it's old Silas Moore.                
He lived just down the road;                                
He's a miserable toad,                                      
But he made it to age 94."                                  
                                                            
12197 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Then Pete who had stayed near the Gate                      
Yelled "This one reached one-forty eight."                  
So Thomas and me                                            
Rushed over to see,                                         
But that's what the marker did state.                       
                                                            
12198 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



"Get a light then," said Peter, "Don't talk."               
So up to the stone we did walk.                             
And the glow from the flame                                 
Revealed the man's name:                                    
148 Miles from York.                                        
                                                            
12199 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



In the old days we drank and smoked pot,                    
Screwed around, didn't worry a lot.                         
Now we lay greying heads                                    
On legitimate beds,                                         
And are buying a burial plot.                               
                                                            
12200 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  George                   



In the old days we fought for the right:                    
To end war and free black from white.                       
Now we cheat on our taxes,                                  
Send Rush Limbaugh faxes,                                   
And latch our doors up tight at night.                      
                                                            
12201 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  George                   



In the old days we gnawed pork rib bones,                   
Ate butter-filled, jam-dripping scones.                     
Now we down fat-free goo,                                   
Nibble tasteless tofu,                                      
Supplemented with several hormones.                         
                                                            
12202 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  George                   



In the old days all new music pleased us.                   
We thought John Lennon cooler than Jesus.                   
Now we hate Gangster Rap;                                   
Think Grundge bands are crap;                               
Still play Dylan when no kids can tease us.                 
                                                            
12203 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  George                   



In the old days... But those days are gone.                 
Surf the TV. Is there anything on?                          
Check the rate on CD's;                                     
Search for signs of disease;                                
Dig the dandelions out of your lawn.                        
                                                            
12204 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  George                   



"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;                       
Your assets, I think should be sold,                        
And given to me,                                            
So that you can be free                                     
To live out those years they call gold."                    
                                                            
12205 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  John Miller 0005         



"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;                       
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;                              
I'll do it my way,                                          
Till it's all pissed away;                                  
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"                       
                                                            
12206 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  John Miller 0005a        



Lee Segel has grey, balding hair,                           
Jutting beard, and a dignified stare.                       
His rabbinical looks                                        
And many thick books,                                       
Lend him a distinguished air.                               
                                                            
12207 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Anon                     



But, though age brings wisdom, no doubt                     
There are some, I'm afraid, who miss out.                   
That unfortunate few                                        
Get senility too;                                           
On Segel, they jury's still out.                            
                                                            
12208 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Anon                     



When people are growing quite old,                          
Their brainsize shrinks, so I'm told.                       
At some point, it's too late;                               
Their memories just fade.                                   
I don't think this statement is bold.                       
                                                            
12209 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Dirruk                   



That prospect scares the hell out of me,                    
Because a zombie I don't want to be.                        
To prevent all this tripe,                                  
Bought some more megabyte                                   
Of extra machine memory.                                    
                                                            
12210 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Dirruk                   



Whether this will aid sex, I don't know.                    
The bitches don't line up in a row                          
Anymore at my age.                                          
I'm still far from this stage                               
And perform pretty well like a pro.                         
                                                            
12211 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Dirruk                   



Birthdays are something we all                              
Wish we could forever forestall,                            
To stay twenty-one,                                         
The age all was begun                                       
And we'd not ache with a game of football.                  
                                                            
12212 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Azul                     



To Hell with your aching and games,                         
The best things of youth were the dames.                    
At a quarter my age,                                        
The hormones all rage --                                    
How I'd like to rekindle those flames!                      
                                                            
12213 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  John Miller              



One day as I hiked the ten miles                            
Through snow in fifty foot piles,                           
I met with a bear                                           
And killed him right there,                                 
With a dull paperclip and my wiles.                         
                                                            
12214 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



That bear was so large that I fought                        
That I skinned him right on the spot.                       
And made new coats for                                      
The whole town who wore                                     
'Til the sun shone, makin' them hot.                        
                                                            
12215 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



I've lusted in life for things finer;                       
So I dated an old forty-niner.                              
But it seemed that his vein                                 
Was way off of the main                                     
Stream of gold, into pyrite ore minor.                      
                                                            
12216 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



So first may I ask what you're drilling?                    
Perhaps silver used in a filling?                           
Digging up shiny things,                                    
That will sit atop rings?                                   
Now there are some thoughts for the thrilling.              
                                                            
12217 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



I drill for the thrill, but I fear                          
That I merely struck copper last year;                      
But it certainly seams                                      
I can answer your dreams,                                   
For my drill-bit is diamond, my dear.                       
                                                            
12218 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



I'm sitting here lost in my thoughts;                       
I wonder of is and is nots.                                 
The future's not here.                                      
What is coming, I fear,                                     
May be worse than the past I forgot.                        
                                                            
12219 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



But perhaps time itself doesn't pass,                       
But is always existing and lasts                            
Just like special parts.                                    
This strange temporal art                                   
Keeps things in existence held fast.                        
                                                            
12220 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



No answer to me seems complete                              
Perhaps it is best to delete                                
All thoughts of this type                                   
Don't worry, don't grype                                    
Just accept what seems real as a treat.                     
                                                            
12221 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



So I guess a treat I am after;                              
Be it sex, or liquor, or laughter.                          
An escape from my mind                                      
To a place undefined,                                       
To avoid a mental disaster.                                 
                                                            
12222 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



At the first sight of a cold winter's storm,                
The snowbirds migrate where it's warm.                      
In the South, we now choke                                  
On retirement folk;                                         
From the north, they move down in a swarm.                  
                                                            
12223 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Goin2later               



You must be from Phoenix, I'd guess;                        
Where locals live under distress,                           
When they are bombarded                                     
With old folks "retarded",                                  
Who use it as a winter address.                             
                                                            
12224 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Observer                 



Not Phoenix, but Florida, I'd say.                          
Or that place south of LA,                                  
Where they go for their leisure,                            
And instead have a seizure.                                 
These snow birds are now here to stay.                      
                                                            
12225 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES                           



Grandad remembers the time                                  
When a gallon of gas cost a dime;                           
When clean water was free                                   
And so was TV;                                              
But cursing aloud was a crime.                              
                                                            
12226 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Lynn Mostafa             



Sweet Granny recalls the days, too,                         
As ladies in their eighties can do.                         
But she had no money,                                       
No food and no honey;                                       
History depends on your point of view.                      
                                                            
12227 CLEAN - PEOPLE - OLD - SERIES  Lynn Mostafa             



I once asked an erudite mystic,                             
"What's a lie and what's euphemistic?"                      
He stood on his head                                        
And sententitiously said,                                   
"The distinction is purely linguistic."                     
                                                            
12228 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Ms. Ira Gardner-Smith    



My wife built a platform of cabers;                         
I admired the fruit of her labors.                          
When I got to the top,                                      
I just couldn't stop                                        
Admiring the fruit of my neighbors!                         
                                                            
12229 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Friar              TP9804



In a house on McCubbin, not Grotto,                         
Dwells an author who lives by this motto:                   
"One must write every day,                                  
And to hell with the pay!"                                  
And 'tis certain his surname is Otto.                       
                                                            
12230 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Robert Foy               



Whether fiddling or winning at lotto                        
Or baking or biking, this Otto                              
Still courts his coy muse,                                  
So she dare not refuse                                      
To make him as artful as Giotto.                            
                                                            
12231 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Robert Foy               



Said this excellent author called Otto,                     
In a voz much louder than sotto,                            
"I just want what I write                                   
To infuse with delight,                                     
The sober as well as the blotto."                           
                                                            
12232 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Robert Foy               



For this calling he has the right tools,                    
And his drive to excel never cools.                         
So his sentences flow                                       
Like hot lava in snow,                                      
And his short middle name is just Jules.                    
                                                            
12233 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Robert Foy               



In the state to our south, they're no fools;                
There they treat him like family, Jules.                    
First they gave him a prize                                 
And then, equally wise,                                     
They hired him to teach, so he rules.                       
                                                            
12234 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Robert Foy               



Down in Iowa too, though our Jules                          
Is no cornball pop writer who mewls,                        
And he never hooks folks                                    
With corroded old jokes,                                    
Or with words that are banned from our schools.             
                                                            
12235 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Robert Foy               



In the fair ladnd of Lake Woebegon,                         
Loons abound, though there's no native swan.                
We have many small biters                                   
And gazillions of writers,                                  
And, thak Heavens, we're blessed with a Lon!                
                                                            
12236 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Robert Foy               



I love Lucy, she uses her mind;                             
Stuck in class, but never confined.                         
I'm in love with that look,                                 
Of her nose in the book--                                   
I just wish it were what I assigned.                        
                                                            
12237 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Walt Fellman             



"This writeup of you," said his wife,                       
"Portrays years of fame and of strife.                      
This magazine, dear,                                        
Named you 'Man of the Year!';                               
This is truly the Time of your life."                       
                                                            
12238 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Kirk Miller              



Got no spotlights or headlights or bells?                   
Not for you the populace yells?                             
Bravely shoulder your lot                                   
With this comforting thought:                               
You're unique! (Just like everyone else.)                   
                                                            
12239 CLEAN - PEOPLE - PRAISED       Chris Kocsis        P9002



Two sibs, Way and Will from Palm Bay,                       
Were joined at the hip, so they say.                        
If you could find one,                                      
Here the other would come,                                  
For where there's a Will there's a Way.                     
                                                            
12240 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Ed                       



His mum was afraid of young Kevin,                          
Who was really quite wild at age seven.                     
When his dad came from work,                                
Kevin had a strange quirk,                                  
He behaved like an angel from heaven.                       
                                                            
12241 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



My great-grandmother is dead.                               
What a long life she had led.                               
Why was she so great?                                       
She died aged ninety eight!                                 
What more is there to be said?                              
                                                            
12242 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Funny Bone               



There once was a young lady named Lizzy,                    
So pretty she'd make the boys dizzy.                        
An achiever in school;                                      
This gal is no fool;                                        
But sure gets her mom in a tizzy.                           
                                                            
12243 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Oxymoron                 



To a family reunion we went,                                
In the lowlands -- just east -- where we spent              
Some time with "na Beag's"                                  
And emptied some jugs.                                      
With the food, we made hardly a dent.                       
                                                            
12244 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Hilde na Beags           



Don't be queasy if graveyards are breezy,                   
And your research is freezy or cheezy.                      
It is certainly fun                                         
With ancestors undone.                                      
As they say, genealogy's easy.                              
                                                            
12245 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES                              



Some ancestors are hard to find,                            
For others they don't cost a dime.                          
Some you're sorry you dug,                                  
Some you wish you could hug;                                
Still for the lost ones you pine.                           
                                                            
12246 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES                              



A genealogy dodger                                          
Was an old codger named Roger.                              
When he was left a mint,                                    
He thought it heaven sent,                                  
Now Roger's a family tree lodger.                           
                                                            
12247 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES                              



My granddaughter's cuter than yours                         
And her intellect truly soars.                              
And besides, she's polite                                   
With a smile so bright --                                   
Wait!  Don't you want to hear some more?                    
                                                            
12248 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Lynn Mostafa             



A grandchild to the family was added,                       
Wearing trousers absorbently padded.                        
The grandparents gaze                                       
And remember the days                                       
When their own boy or girl was so cladded.                  
                                                            
12249 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



My Grandfather, Big Harry B,                                
Was a blacksmith; a fine man was he.                        
A great relation                                            
And some revelation;                                        
Now I'm old, He looks just like me!                         
                                                            
12250 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Tony Burrell             



Geneology was simple for Pat;                               
At her computer for hours she sat.                          
She pondered and wondered                                   
Until her brain thundered,                                  
Where is my Great-granddaddy at.                            
                                                            
12251 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Anna Nasman              



While gazing at great-grandpa's stone,                      
My voice took an incredulous tone.                          
Beside him wasn't Sweet Bell,                               
The stone read Naughty Nell.                                
Now Greatgrandma's secret is known.                         
                                                            
12252 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Anon                     



At the library table I sit                                  
Searching books for the names that will fit.                
Like a river, Time flows;                                   
Lunchtime comes and it goes.                                
The the Librarian calls, "Time to quit!"                    
                                                            
12253 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Anon                     



When I come to the end of the day,                          
I've searched, now I ponder and pray                        
For our fathers and mothers,                                
Our sisters and brothers,                                   
And where our great grandparents lay.                       
                                                            
12254 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Anon                     



When she goes on a trip, she enjoys                         
The seas and the shores -- and the boys.                    
I know she shouldn't oughter,                               
But she's just my daughter.                                 
I wish she'd not treat boys as toys.                        
                                                            
12255 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



There once were two men of a kind;                          
Each in one eye was quite blind.                            
Said one with a grin,                                       
"That's my identical twin                                   
And whatever I lose he will find."                          
                                                            
12256 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a young fellow called Danny,                      
Who nattered and yacked like my granny.                     
If his glasses should slip                                  
Down his nose to the tip,                                   
His resemblance to her was uncanny.                         
                                                            
12257 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



Now Gramps is old and he's wheezin';                        
He still dreams about chicks he'd be sqeezin'.              
Though images are keen,                                     
Never with a wet dream,                                     
But he wakes up with lots of damn sneezin'!                 
                                                            
12258 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES                              



I've found there are worse things in life                   
Than taking an orphan to wife.                              
No advice from her ma                                       
And ditto, her pa.                                          
Serendipitous bliss without strife.                         
                                                            
12259 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Robert V. Davis     P9608



I once had an Auntie Hortense,                              
In family matters she sat on the fence.                     
She would visit us all,                                     
Spring, Winter, and Fall.                                   
We said nothing -- she had lots of pence.                   
                                                            
12260 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



"Hey, Pawpaw, why do you walk slow?"                        
My granddaughter wanted to know;                            
Said I, "All those years                                    
Of hunting down 'dears'                                     
Makes Pawpaw move slow as I go."                            
                                                            
12261 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Travis Brasell           



In Dixie our motto is: "When                                
A stranger approaches, just grin.                           
Say, 'Have a nice day.'                                     
Then hurry away,                                            
'Cause somehow he's gotta be kin."                          
                                                            
12262 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Travis Brasell           



Very soon, an uncle I'll be;                                
The thought has just filled me with glee.                   
Be it girl or a boy,                                        
This bundle of joy                                          
A new member of our family tree.                            
                                                            
12263 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Funny Bone               



This one is all about my niece.                             
Please don't call in the limerick police.                   
If you dislike clean                                        
Lims writ by Marlene,                                       
Don't read further, you fool, just cease!                   
                                                            
12264 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



Wyoming like no place on earth;                             
There my sis expected a birth.                              
Then Allix arrived;                                         
Three years she's survived.                                 
She keeps us in stitches of mirth.                          
                                                            
12265 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



Now Allix has curls down her back;                          
Believe me, I am keeping track.                             
When Allix was small                                        
She had no hair at all.                                     
But now she's made up for the lack.                         
                                                            
12266 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



I draw bunnies for Allix all day;                           
She just won't let me get away!                             
Don't have any tricks,                                      
They're just made of sticks.                                
She's happy to just sit and play.                           
                                                            
12267 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



Doc Seuss is favored by my niece;                           
She just won't give me any peace.                           
She brings me her books.                                    
I read while she looks                                      
At the pictures, while perched on my knees.                 
                                                            
12268 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



I don't have a Dad any more.                                
He's Allix's Grampa, for sure!                              
It was the same refrain                                     
When we tried to explain:                                   
"He's my Grampa!" she'd quickly roar.                       
                                                            
12269 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



Our Allix will giggle and say,                              
"Can my Gramma come out to play?"                           
She's like a fresh breeze;                                  
She just likes to tease.                                    
She keeps us entertained all day.                           
                                                            
12270 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



With her belly button exposed,                              
Is how Allix wears all her clothes.                         
Her tummy sticks out;                                       
Of that there's no doubt.                                   
It winter, it might just get froze.                         
                                                            
12271 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



"Will you marry me, Marnene?", she said.                    
Explaining is something I dread.                            
She just does not know                                      
Why my answer is no --                                      
Okay, she'll marry Daddy, instead!                          
                                                            
12272 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



Then Allix says, "Where's my Marnene?"                      
The cutest thing you've ever seen:                          
That little girl's grin                                     
And tilt of her chin;                                       
We all think that she is the Queen!                         
                                                            
12273 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Marlene                  



There was a young lady called Frankie,                      
Whose mother said "No hanky-panky.                          
What you do, where you go,                                  
All your friends I must know.                               
Otherwise you'll make me very cranky."                      
                                                            
12274 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



I will always remember my dad;                              
He'd read the paper, not missing an ad.                     
He said it made the mind mix                                
Like mini politics;                                         
He will pass it on to his lad.                              
                                                            
12275 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



My wife loves to watch a good thrilla;                      
It gives her goose bumps, all the chilla.                   
But the thing I most hate,                                  
Is not going to bed late,                                   
But waking at three with no pilla.                          
                                                            
12276 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Rick Limmer         T9711



"At yardsales, old junk will bring cash,"                   
Said Gramps, "Fools will pay for such trash                 
And haul it away,                                           
Like one did today,                                         
With Granny, who sold in a flash!"                          
                                                            
12277 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES                              



There was a young fellow from Glouster                      
Went out with his grandma and lost her.                     
They found the old geezer                                   
Inside the deep freezer;                                    
It took them two weeks to defrost her.                      
                                                            
12278 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES                              



Disputatious old Uncle McKee                                
Was unpleasant as ever could be.                            
When he'd rant and he'd fume,                               
He'd steam up the whole room,                               
Causing relative humidity.                                  
                                                            
12279 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



My dad had a sister named Maud,                             
Who surprised us when she wed a lord.                       
She became a real lady,                                     
Even if he was shady,                                       
With her money he vanished abroad.                          
                                                            
12280 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Arthur Pattaffy          



Oh, it's easy to tell which are yours --                    
Your girls are a bunch of young whores.                     
And your boy is the dud                                     
With the miniscule pud,                                     
Which everyone simply ignores!                              
                                                            
12281 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES                              



Each 'Fathers Day' there's an intrusion                     
Of kids at my house, in profusion.                          
Oh, it would be fine                                        
If I knew which were mine,                                  
Instead of this yearly confusion.                           
                                                            
12282 CLEAN - PEOPLE - RELATIVES     Travis Brasell           



It's late on a Saturday night,                              
And I'm all alone -- this doth bite!                        
Perhaps I should spend                                      
Much more time with my friends,                             
But they do not think I'm alright.                          
                                                            
12283 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



For when I am sat in this chair,                            
And appear all lost in an air                               
Of wonder and mystery,                                      
My total life history                                       
Is laid out in full, to bear.                               
                                                            
12284 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



My previous lives just have might                           
Blessed my mates with the sight,                            
That sitting with my PC                                     
Doesn't make me crazy,                                      
But it sure does make me talk shite!                        
                                                            
12285 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Poltergeists causing a clatter,                             
Can psychokinetically shatter                               
Your nerves; I suggest                                      
Exorcism is best,                                           
If you feel it's as eerie as matter.                        
                                                            
12286 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



You'd think me a fine city gent;                            
Impeccable, refined accent.                                 
You'd be wrong for                                          
It was in Broadmoor,   (Brit prison)                        
Where most of my mad life was spent.                        
                                                            
12287 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Scanties-theft read my confessions.                         
With hefty therapy sessions                                 
And some E.S.T.,                                            
My mind is now free,                                        
Untroubled by these brief obsessions.                       
                                                            
12288 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



So come shop at Frankys' Boutique;                          
In here you'll find something unique,                       
In used underwear.                                          
Some of them rare.                                          
Autumn Sale Now On! Ends Next Week!                         
                                                            
12289 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



A family up in St. Paul                                     
Was the most inept clan of them all;                        
They lived in their dives,                                  
Their dysfunctional lives,                                  
And they never saw progress at all.                         
                                                            
12290 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Cap'n Bean          P0102



When dysfunctional families breed,                          
Their conflicts burst forth, like a weed;                   
Seems everyone's mad,                                       
Unhappy or sad,                                             
An no one's fulfilled of their needs.                       
                                                            
12291 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Cap'n Bean          P0102



A friend will stab you in the front.                        
He'll use something sharp, 'stead of blunt.                 
Won't slice up your back                                    
In some sneak attack.                                       
He'll not pull so shabby a stunt.                           
                                                            
12292 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Marlene Lewis            



A good friend will say to your face,                        
That you are a human disgrace.                              
Won't whisper your name,                                    
Your pride to defame.                                       
He'll just put you right in your place.                     
                                                            
12293 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Marlene Lewis            



A friend would not be a deceiver.                           
He won't be a rumor believer.                               
If he says bad stuff,                                       
He won't try to bluff;                                      
He'll just hack you up with his cleaver.                    
                                                            
12294 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Marlene Lewis            



Now, why is it, do you suppose,                             
A friend would punch you in the nose?                       
Because you need it                                         
When you are a shit,                                        
Your jerkiness he will expose.                              
                                                            
12295 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Marlene Lewis            



I think I am finished with friends,                         
At least until my chest mends.                              
Acquaintance, for me,                                       
Is safer, you see,                                          
Until I know what he intends!                               
                                                            
12296 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Marlene Lewis            



No matter a friend's good intention,                        
I'm sure you have heard, but I mention:                     
Only place trust                                            
In yourself as you must,                                    
For a friend is a friend till dissension.                   
                                                            
12297 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Karen                    



For names they inflict on their child,                      
Some parents sure should be exiled.                         
The worst comes to tears.                                   
It may take many years                                      
'Til parents and kids reconcile.                            
                                                            
12298 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Tony Burrell             



If you're going to call your boy Sue,                       
Then one of the following are true!                         
He'll either be great,                                      
A minister of state,                                        
Or else, up his life you will screw.                        
                                                            
12299 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



Said the Redneck, in Tourist, K2,                           
To his seatmate, "You look like a Jew!"                     
"Vell," said the man                                        
"That is so, yes, I am,                                     
Is there reason dot matters to you?"                        
                                                            
12300 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       John Miller 00089        



"I was raised in a village by Joe,                          
Without one single Jew -- That is so!"                      
Said the Redneck, "Ah yes,"                                 
Said the Jew, "I could guess --                             
"Dot's vhy it's a villich, you know."                       
                                                            
12301 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       John Miller 0089a        



What vile things do some people say;                        
I thought Negroes were having their day,                    
That Jews were not heard,                                   
Ethnic slurs were deferred,                                 
Folks took pride in the fact they were gay!                 
                                                            
12302 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       John Miller              



I know we've worked hard to perfect                         
A nation Politically Correct,                               
With lots of new laws                                       
To correct human flaws,                                     
And uplift, perserve and protect.                           
                                                            
12303 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       John Miller              



Mere facts cannot get in the way                            
Where the lawyers all work without pay.                     
Equal justice for all,                                      
The big and the small                                       
As was proved by The Prez and O.J.                          
                                                            
12304 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       John Miller              



My neighbor came over to say                                
(Although not in a neighborly way)                          
That he'd knock me around,                                  
If I'd not curb the sound                                   
Of the music I'm playing today.                             
                                                            
12305 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES                                



I said, "Bugger off out of my place                         
You're an utter uncultured disgrace;                        
You're a simpleton loon.                                    
Don't you know a good tune?"                                
Then he walloped me square in the face.                     
                                                            
12306 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES                                



Whoa! Blisters and fisters -- you swear?                    
Of rivaling siblings beware!                                
I once knew a lassie                                        
In East Tallahassee                                         
Who started a family affair.                                
                                                            
12307 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Well, we were much younger back then;                       
Those brothers are now older men.                           
I could tell you stories                                    
But then they'd bore-yeez;                                  
Sometimes for those old days I yen.                         
                                                            
12308 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Tom Patrick's the oldest of all;                            
Most likely he started the brawls.                          
Although we were runts,                                     
We soon learned upfront                                     
There's more than one use for baseballs!                    
                                                            
12309 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



And then there was Bridget Marie;                           
Of course she's the angel, you see.                         
Can you tell by the glow                                    
Of her shiny halo,                                          
That she is as nice as can be?                              
                                                            
12310 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Timothy Mark hated mornings;                                
A simple hello left him roaring!                            
Please don't get too closeup                                
Before he is wokeup!                                        
Consider this your only warning.                            
                                                            
12311 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Shawn Elizabeth started the battle.                         
She was our resident prattle.                               
Beware what you say                                         
If her ear's your way,                                      
To Mom and Dad she' run and tattle.                         
                                                            
12312 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Brian Daniel was the quiet one,                             
Fighting and bickering he'd shun.                           
But it made no difference,                                  
We'd simply use inference,                                  
Then his good deeds would go undone.                        
                                                            
12313 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Michael Shannon is the tallest kid.                         
At six foot six he always did                               
Whatever he wanted.                                         
Though the boys taunted                                     
Whenever he'd play seek and hid.                            
                                                            
12314 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Kathleen Mary was the spoiled child;                        
Our parents watchd and they always smiled.                  
Our Kate blinked her eyes,                                  
A devilish guise,                                           
With parents away, she went wild!                           
                                                            
12315 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



Marytheresa Ann is my favorite sist.                        
There's no way she'd ever get dissed.                       
She ably kept track                                         
Of calls from my pack;                                      
She never let on they exist.                                
                                                            
12316 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Bridget                  



It's clear straight away from the start                     
That your siblings are dear to your heart;                  
It's also quite clear                                       
From the numbers shown here,                                
That your parents were seldom apart!                        
                                                            
12317 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



Waiting on the porch for a ride                             
Is better than waiting inside.                              
The neighbors drive by.                                     
There goes the new guy.                                     
Where has he been?  Geez, he looks fried!                   
                                                            
12318 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



His wife waits for him in their yard;                       
He's so late he best be on guard.                           
He went drinking last night;                                
She believes he's still tight;                              
She gives him a whack -- really hard.                       
                                                            
12319 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh, look, there's the woman next door;                      
She certainly does not look poor.                           
Though rumors abound,                                       
I just have not found                                       
Men queued at her house by the score.                       
                                                            
12320 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The men who live right down the street                      
Are said to be light on their feet.                         
'Twas said to be mean,                                      
'Cause they caused a scene,                                 
By trying to chat up young Pete.                            
                                                            
12321 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Pete's the paper carrier 'round here.                       
The big leaguers have nothing to fear:                      
He can't hit where he throws,                               
As my flower bed shows.                                     
My newspaper's been tossed there all year.                  
                                                            
12322 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The teenager who lives over there,                          
Has just shaved about half of his hair.                     
Thinks his parents don't know.                              
(They pretend that it's so.)                                
He goes window-peeping with that pair.                      
                                                            
12323 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Those two live just 'round the corner.                      
The blonde's a professional mourner.                        
The red-head does pose                                      
Without all his clothes.                                    
He's really an amateur porn-er.                             
                                                            
12324 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Granny DuFret lives in that house;                          
She's quiet like some little gray mouse.                    
Her first husband, they say,                                
Disappeared one day .                                       
It's okay, 'cause he'd beaten his spouse.                   
                                                            
12325 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The thruple that lives 'cross the way,                      
Amaze the 'hood more every day.                             
Those two are pregnant                                      
By that one old gent.                                       
(There'd been rumors that he was gay.)                      
                                                            
12326 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



I've just checked my purse for my key,                      
When Charlie yells, "This ride's for free!"                 
I slide into his car;                                       
Wish I had a crowbar!                                       
Just what are they saying 'bout me?                         
                                                            
12327 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Our volunteer leader, it's said                             
Is often betrayed by his head,                              
For when he makes plans,                                    
His devoted fans                                            
Will often mistake him for dead.                            
                                                            
12328 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Robert Grob              



Our volunteer leader named Jim                              
Will never be thought of as dim --                          
He leaves us because                                        
Whatever he does,                                           
He can't fix this room to suit him.                         
                                                            
12329 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Robert Grob              



It is said that we've driven him nuts,                      
With all of our ifs, ands, or buts.                         
But when he leaves us,                                      
And gets on the bus,                                        
He'll be getting us out of our ruts.                        
                                                            
12330 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Robert Grob              



No matter where Jim goes from here,                         
Best wishes are his.  Here to Hear                          
Will not be the same                                        
As it has since he came                                     
And developed his telephone ear.                            
                                                            
12331 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Robert Grob              



We'll miss Jim a lot, it is true                            
And we want to give him his due.                            
So as we're met here,                                       
We'll give him a cheer,                                     
And reserve him a room in the zoo.                          
(Jim was leader of teenage crisis hotline)                  
12332 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       Robert Grob              



Oh, my name is John Wellington Wells,                       
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,                           
In blessings and curses,                                    
And ever-filled purses,                                     
In prophecies, witches, and knells.                         
                                                            
12333 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       William S. Gilbert       



If you want a proud foe to "make tracks",                   
If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax,                          
You've but to look in                                       
On our resident Djinn,                                      
Number Seventy, Simmery Axe.                                
                                                            
12334 CLEAN - PEOPLE - ZSERIES       William S. Gilbert       



By the rules of clear thinking be bound;                    
Speak with reason and logic profound.                       
One must never defile                                       
With the epithet vile,                                      
For the man who throws dirt loses ground.                   
                                                            
12335 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2942



There was an old man of Calcutta,                           
Who coated his tonsils with butta,                          
Thus converting his snore                                   
From a thunderous roar                                      
To a soft, oleagenous mutta.                                
                                                            
12336 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Ogden Nash          L0679



A radio ham called Tim Malone                               
Operated C.W. and phone.                                    
He talked night and day                                     
To friends a way away;                                      
With this hobby, he's never alone.                          
                                                            
12337 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Arthur Pattaffy          



To make your point clear is quite simple,                   
Like squeezing an over-ripe pimple.                         
Just a touch of finesse,                                    
Not too much, nor too less,                                 
Or you'll end with a crater, not dimple.                    
                                                            
12338 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Rick Limmer         T9711



Her friends called her Sibilant Sue;                        
She lisped something awful, it's true!                      
In the spring she would sing                                
"Thpring hath thprung," by the spring,                      
As she sprang like a crazed kangaroo.                       
                                                            
12339 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Gail Koontz              



Here in Brooklyn I just overhoid                            
The word bird mispronounced as woid boid                    
Poems written in voice                                      
And to make matter woice                                    
Deres a street dey call East toity toid.                    
                                                            
12340 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Mike Pollack             



In Scotland they live in the toon                           
And a circle's not round it's aroon.                        
It's not out -- they go oot,                                
And a prizefight's a boot;                                  
In the lift are the buttons marked doon.                    
                                                            
12341 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Mike Pollack             



And in England they're doing their part;                    
Cockneys saying "Gor guv, 'ave a 'art".                     
Instead of a wife,                                          
They've got troubles-and-strife,                            
And an 'orse is wot's pulling a cart.                       
                                                            
12342 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Mike Pollack             



A learned young couple pendantic,                           
Debated till they were both frantic.                        
The dispute was endemic                                     
For this couple polemic,                                    
But their difference was simply semantic.                   
                                                            
12343 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2743



God made the Dutch and said, "Well                          
Here's a mightly strange bunch I can tell...                
They're quite good at painting                              
And soggy marsh draining,                                   
But that language is straight out of hell."                 
                                                            
12344 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Sansuesi                 



At school, we're taught using phonics.                      
In the hood, the speech is Ebonics.                         
But you give the feeling                                    
Of words double-dealing                                     
A stage, for your histrionics.                              
                                                            
12345 CLEAN - SPEECH                                          



Imagine, folks, how Plate Tectonics                         
Or History, Physics, Harmonics,                             
Would be best understood                                    
By dem "Boyz in de Hood"                                    
Be deys translated into Ebonics.                            
                                                            
12346 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



Ebonics be some sort of joke.                               
Oakland folks must have gotten sunstroke.                   
If the teachers succumb,                                    
They'll prove to be dumb,                                   
When they buy this weird pig in a poke.                     
                                                            
12347 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Al Willis                



There was a young lady of Cirencester,                      
Who fiance went down to visit her,                          
By the Great Western line;                                  
Which he swore was divine,                                  
And he couldn't have been much expliciter.                  
                                                            
12348 CLEAN - SPEECH                 E V Knox Punch 1928 Bibby



There was a young Frenchman named Claude                    
Whose command of the language was flawed.                   
To a chambermmaid said,                                     
"Need a shit on my bed."                                    
And he blushed as she laughed and guffawed.                 
                                                            
12349 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young girl of Dundee,                           
Whose knowledge of French was "Oui, oui."                   
When they asked, "Parlez-vous?"                             
She replied, "Same to you,"                                 
And was famed for her bright repartee.                      
                                                            
12350 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Anon                     



In addition to must, should and could,                      
And the, "If I were you then I would..."                    
I suppose I could take,                                     
But not, "Make no mistake,                                  
I'm just saying this for your own good."                    
                                                            
12351 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9606



The reason he's not so elated:                              
His condition has made him frustrated.                      
His vowels, you know,                                       
Have lost get-up-and-go,                                    
And that is why he's consonated.                            
                                                            
12352 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Al Willis           T9711



There was a young fellow of Hertfordshire,           (Harts)
Who dallied about with the Ertfordshire;              (arts)
But was no good at any,                                     
So lost every penny,                                        
And the poor fellow is now driving certfordshire.     (carts
                                                            
12353 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Langford Reed     (Bibby)



An orator fraught with poposity,                            
Bumptiously spouting verbosity,                             
Postured and preened                                        
Until mercifully beaned                                     
By an egg thrown with deadly velocity.                      
                                                            
12354 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Mary Sullivan            



A fireman up in Montrose                                    
Is wise and it certainly shows.                             
It is hard to refute                                        
His theory astute:                                          
A hose is a hose is a hose.                                 
                                                            
12355 CLEAN - SPEECH                 VOL 11                   



From the Cape of Good Hope north to Nome                    
And wherever Americans roam,                                
People use for "what", HUH?                                 
And for "no" it's HUHUH,                                    
Pronounced trippingly in palindrone.                        
                                                            
12356 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



At a faculty wives' tea and do,                             
The president's wife, Ann McFew,                            
Was shocked beyond belief.                                  
The Math prof's spouse, Leath,                              
Said, "I'll pour if you'd like for me to."                  
                                                            
12357 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



It makes me quite frictionary                               
When I need a French dictionary.                            
I'm mono-lingual,                                           
It makes my mind tingual,                                   
Subtitle your Lim-ictionary!                                
                                                            
12358 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Archie                   



I often feel very left out                                  
When Frog you all start to spout.                           
I don't have the knack.                                     
(You talk 'hind my back)                                    
Thank God you'r not speaking in Kraut!                      
                                                            
12359 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Archie                   



When Charlene spouts forth in Spanish,                      
It's then that I wish she would vanish.                     
I haven't a clue                                            
About what I should do.                                     
Perhaps that is why she's so mannish!                       
                                                            
12360 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Archie                   



And what about the Russian lims?                            
There ain't none, or so it seems.                           
Who's the cause of this shame?                              
Where do we lay blame?                                      
(And Nik stands up proudly and beams.)                      
                                                            
12361 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Nik Synytskyy            



Pigs in the field...Pork on the table.                      
Cows in the lea...Beef served by Mable;                     
Saxon's defeat                                              
Meant Norman sweetmeat,                                     
And a language, thank God, that's not stable.               
                                                            
12362 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Tutta Gioia              



Of all the dumb things parents say,                         
The dumbest one very well may                               
Be "Where did you leave it?"                                
I still don't believe it!                                   
It's the last place I look to this day.                     
                                                            
12363 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Karen                    



Another (relating to bread) --                              
"Will you eat all your crusts," Mother said,                
"For they'll make your hair curl."                          
I said, "Ma, I'm no girl,"                                  
But it worked, although not on my head.                     
                                                            
12364 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Peter Wilkins            



There was an old gossip named Baird,                        
Who said, "What I could say if I dared,                     
I will say it, in fact,                                     
Though I die in the act."                                   
So she did, and nobody cared.                               
                                                            
12365 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Ogden Nash               



A famous author known for his rare-words                    
Would never ever use any swear-words.                       
But at a book fair,                                         
I'd not known he was there.                                 
Unprepared, he had not any spare-words.                     
                                                            
12366 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a country of, oh                             
Such lofty ideals that no                                   
Man could ever mention                                      
(Imagine the tension)                                       
What might have offended Jane Dough.                        
                                                            
12367 CLEAN - SPEECH                                     G2447



There was an old Croesus of Nottinghamshire;         (Notts)
Of money he simply had pottinghamshire;               (pots)
He'd his own private train,                                 
And a large aeroplane,                                      
And many magnificent yottinghamshire.               (yachts)
                                                            
12368 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Langford Reed     (Bibby)



There was a young woman names Ells                          
Who was subject to curious spells.                          
While dressed up very oddly                                 
She'd cry out things ungodly                                
By the palms in expensive hotels.                           
                                                            
12369 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Edward Gorey             



Though I complain of changing meanings,                     
The world at large goes on with gleanings,                  
Extending some names                                        
From places and games                                       
To structures with opposite leanings.                       
                                                            
12370 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Daniel Ford              



A young boy of the streets with a stutter,                  
Was often heard by his friends to mutter:                   
"Please make me speak w-well                                
To help m-me leave this hell;                               
I want to g-get out of the g-gutter!"                       
                                                            
12371 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady of Kent,                             
Who always said just what she meant.                        
People said, "She's a dear,                                 
So direct, so sincere"--                                    
And they shunned her by common consent.                     
                                                            
12372 CLEAN - SPEECH                                          



Phil Attily came dressed up nattily                         
To speak to the group on philately.                         
What he talked about mostage                                
Was new use for old postage,                                
And he gave them their fill, did Phil Attily.               
                                                            
12373 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2724



Mrs. McFee's on a gossip high;                              
The phone bills pile up to the sky.                         
When past her walking,                                      
Mr. McFee sees her talking;                                 
He's grateful to use MCI.                                   
                                                            
12374 CLEAN - SPEECH                 CW                       



It's never enough to be rough                               
Or knowing which stuff makes the fluff;                     
And bluff with benignity                                    
Means guff with indignity.                                  
Whilst re-buff may catch up with the tough.                 
                                                            
12375 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P9002



A gal who just loves hurdling fences                        
And leaps when a track meet commences,                      
Had "spring, sprang, and sprung"                            
On the tip of her tongue,                                   
When asked for a sample of tenses.                          
                                                            
12376 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Ismite                   



A clever young fellow of Huntindon,                  (Hunts)
Could perform some remarkable stuntingdon;          (stunts)
He would skate on his nose,                                 
Brush his hair with his toes,                               
And pole at one time seven puntingdon.               (punts)
                                                            
12377 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Langford Reed     (Bibby)



Lynette, she's a Titan, don't crowd her;                    
Both with fire and wit, God's endowed her.                  
When she fights, she gets proud,                            
When she's right, she gets loud,                            
And when not quite so right, she gets louder.               
                                                            
12378 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Walt Fellman             



A statement beholden                                        
Is silence is golden.                                       
But if it is so,                                            
How do we know                                              
If a voice it hadn't been told in.                          
                                                            
12379 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Prof M-G                 



Whenever language gets frowzy,                              
Irregular mavens quite tousey;                              
Use their NIT-picking pride                                 
As "insecticide",                                           
To kill solecisms that are LOUSY.                           
                                                            
12380 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Jack Kevorkian           



The grammatical cops caught two perps:                      
A couple of contraary twerps.                               
It's not they lacked words,                                 
They just spoke them backwards,                             
Pronouncing the word "spring" as "gnirps."                  
                                                            
12381 CLEAN - SPEECH                 RDH9995                  



They gathered around, old and young,                        
On one final answer hope hung.                              
The question on grammar                                     
Made all of them stammer,                                   
'Til one yelled, "It's spring, sprang, sprung!"             
                                                            
12382 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Srakowitz                



An author, by name Gilbert St. John,                        
Remarked to me once, "Honest t. John,                       
You really can't quote                                      
That story I wrote;                                         
My copyright you are infrt. John."                          
                                                            
12383 CLEAN - SPEECH                 P L Mannock       (Bibby)



There once was an eccentric Strine              (Australian)
Whose speech was so sesquipedine,           (sesquipedalian)
And his vowels so refined                                   
That their patience got strined,                            
And they treated him just like an ine.               (alien)
                                                            
12384 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Anon (Letts)      (Bibby)



I know a m-m-man with a stutter,                            
He still makes girl's hearts g-g-go flutter!                
He was m-married in June;                                   
For their h-honeymoon,                                      
They went to C-C-C-Calcutta!                                
                                                            
12385 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Arthur Pattaffy          



I once had a colleague who stuttered                        
And got confused by what he had uttered.                    
And for the duration                                        
Of our conversation,                                        
My syllables too became cluttered                           
                                                            
12386 CLEAN - SPEECH                                          



A wife with a stutter from Dyce,                            
Was caught by the rise in the price.                        
By the time that she panted                                 
Out just what she wanted,                                   
The cost of the stuff went up twice.                        
                                                            
12387 CLEAN - SPEECH                 J D Laird                



An unfortunate lad from Calcutta,                           
Vibrated all through from his stutter.                      
To eat, walk or speak                                       
He would shake for a week,                                  
But he was rather good as a rutter.                         
(rutter - one who make ruts? or ship-pilot's log?)          
12388 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Anon (L Reed)            



Be the service quite rapid or slow,                         
In most restaurants, high priced or low,                    
I am somewhat unnerved                                      
To hear, each time I'm served,                              
The mundane and inane, "There you go!"                      
                                                            
12389 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



A stammering young maiden named Kate                        
Got in trouble when out on a date.                          
She refused to have fun,                                    
Saying, "Nun-nun-nun-nun --"                                
And by then it was simply too late.                         
                                                            
12390 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Isaac Asimov             



I once sent a boy for a vial,                               
And I waited for him quite a while.                         
But he went to the shed;                                    
Brought a file back instead,                                
So what could I do but just smile.                          
                                                            
12391 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Jim Weaver Collection    



"Oop North" I'll be going away;                             
"Ecky thump ... 'e bah gum", as they say.                   
I'll be working next week                                   
There and desperately seek                                  
An interpreter during my stay.                              
(sounds like Yorkshire accent - McW)                        
12392 CLEAN - SPEECH                                          



I'm seeking a North-country lass                            
(Not a wench who is too upper class)                        
Who'll interpret for me,                                    
As she sits on my knee,                                     
With her wigglesome cute little ass.                        
                                                            
12393 CLEAN - SPEECH                                          



A sweet little girl from Saint Paul                         
Attended a grand southern ball.                             
No one knew what she said,                                  
Till she started instead                                    
Of saying just "you," said "you-all."                       
                                                            
12394 CLEAN - SPEECH                 Warrick Elrod            



In public, when folks start to yammer                       
On their cell phones and you'd like a hammer,               
No more need to get peeved                                  
Or unreasonably grieved;                                    
There'll soon be a new airwaves jammer.                     
                                                            
12395 CLEAN - THINGS                 Jenni Saqua              



The alarm clock is one apparatus                            
Men truly have reasons to hate is.                          
It interrupts slumber                                       
For men without number                                      
And only to see one not late is.                            
                                                            
12396 CLEAN - THINGS                 Laurence Perrine    P9304



A ball is a wonderful thing;                                
You may hit with a crack or a ping.                         
Whether oblong or round,                                    
In the air, on the ground;                                  
Where a ball is, excitement will reign.                     
                                                            
12397 CLEAN - THINGS                 T Edward Cross           



A slender bridge built 'cross the bay                       
Was concerned about how much it'd weigh.                    
With cables light                                           
Was quite a sight                                           
And was delighted to have its way.                          
                                                            
12398 CLEAN - THINGS                 Thomas M. Patton    P9704



He bought a CD for his lover;                               
"For Lovers" it said on the cover.                          
The song (only one)                                         
Ended soon as begun.                                        
Now he's looking for somebody other.                        
                                                            
12399 CLEAN - THINGS                                          



A stain has appeared on my ceiling,                         
The color of tea like Darjeeling.                           
I guess it's okay                                           
If I leave it that way;                                     
I'll wait till it gets more a-peeling.                      
                                                            
12400 CLEAN - THINGS                 Peter Wilkins            



This is my family escutcheon:                               
On a field, gules, a rampant curmudgeon;                    
'Neath a bar sinister,                                      
Thirteen crabs, azur,                                       
With a coot at fess point in high dudgeon.                  
(dudgeon - ill humor, resentment)                           
12401 CLEAN - THINGS                 Arthur Deex         P8604



Some smart-alec threw a big rock                            
Which bashed in the face of my clock.                       
It innards went bong                                        
And the time was all wrong...                               
My poor clock lost its tick and its tock.                   
                                                            
12402 CLEAN - THINGS                 Geralad Bosacker         



Of all of the gadgets I've seen,                            
This one is a con-game pristine.                            
The dishes must be washed,                                  
Before they are tossed,                                     
Into this do-nothing machine!                               
                                                            
12403 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



Duct-tape is a clever invention,                            
Though its use is a bone of contention.                     
But what a surprise!                                        
It's been given a prize;                                    
And in papers, it's given a mention.                        
                                                            
12404 CLEAN - THINGS                                          



In my heart I've a very soft spot                           
For duct tape; I use it a lot.                              
With it we might                                            
Even fix a bad night.                                       
It also disguises duct rot.                                 
                                                            
12405 CLEAN - THINGS                 Karen                    



She had the argument down pat.                              
I need the convenience; that's that.                        
The cans always slip                                        
When it loses its grip,                                     
But it's great for calling the cat.                         
                                                            
12406 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



LT-MD-DK has peen printed                                   
On the side.--Intelligence hinted?                          
It's only a time;                                           
Trial and error what's prime.                               
It knows not the toast has been tinted.                     
                                                            
12407 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



In Florida, forest fires thrive;                            
There's no hope unless rains soon arrive.                   
But there is a bright spot;                                 
The fires are too hot                                       
For the billboards on I-95!                                 
                                                            
12408 CLEAN - THINGS                 Prof M-G           TP9807



Gules on a pale between four                                
Cross-crosslets fitchy a boar                               
Rampant sable and crowned,                                  
On a chief vert a hound                                     
Passant gardant between two garbs Or.                       
                                                            
12409 CLEAN - THINGS                 Elizabeth Fuller         



A brand new detergent name of Pride,                        
Cleans all clothes way down deep inside.                    
Commercials will tout it.                                   
Announcers will shout it,                                   
"Performance proves it's fit to be Tide."                   
                                                            
12410 CLEAN - THINGS                 Tom Patton          P0308



My old Hoover needed repair,                                
So I went to the shop in the square                         
Where a sign, held by string                                
Read: "We'll fix anything,                                  
From a washing machine to a chair."                         
                                                            
12411 CLEAN - THINGS                 Anon                     



So I peered through the dim dusty murk                      
At the shop were the old chap did lurk,                     
At another small sign                                       
Containing one line,                                        
"Please knock hard, the bell doesn't work."                 
                                                            
12412 CLEAN - THINGS                 Anon                     



Some love it, some hate it, some spurn it;                  
Some go so far as to burn it;                               
Adore or abhor it,                                          
You just can't ignore it;                                   
Yet most will do little to earn it.                         
                                                            
12413 CLEAN - THINGS                 John Miller 0004         



When buying a house in Calif.                               
A no-fault insurance claim if                               
A fault underground                                         
Should upwardly bound                                       
And sideways your house cause to shift.                     
                                                            
12414 CLEAN - THINGS                 Irving Superior     P9412



There was a young fellow from Malta,                        
Who bought his grandfather an altar.                        
But, as happens to most,                                    
It broke in the post,                                       
As it squeezed through the Straits of Gibraltar.            
                                                            
12415 CLEAN - THINGS                 Michael Palin            



My heart is not made of dark stone;                         
I don't speak in a very harsh tone.                         
But I think it'd be neat,                                   
When kids trick or treat,                                   
If they'd please leave my mailbox alone!                    
                                                            
12416 CLEAN - THINGS                 Prof M-G            T9710



When building a new house, or two,                          
Most people forget things, that's true.                     
It's really too bad                                         
Whey forget to add                                          
One extra, most useful, a loo.                              
                                                            
12417 CLEAN - THINGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



No loo can be found where I dwell;                          
You can be quite sure there's no smell.                     
For when nauture calls,                                     
We make social calls;                                       
Our neighbors they know us quite well.                      
                                                            
12418 CLEAN - THINGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



What a waste it is to lose one's mind.                      
Not having one is most unkind.                              
For verbosity brings                                        
Inarticulate things                                         
And we'll go forward to the behind.                         
                                                            
12419 CLEAN - THINGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



An old Jewish man in New York                               
Possessed quite a magical fork.                             
It picked up fowl and fish,                                 
Beef or lamb from a dish,                                   
But refused to come near ham or pork.                       
                                                            
12420 CLEAN - THINGS                 Warrick Elrod            



With a microwave we'd even make toffee,                     
And to get my nagging wife off me,                          
I bought one. Silly goose!                                  
Now its only use?                                           
It heats up our left-over coffee.                           
                                                            
12421 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



The TV and pinball machine                                  
Have caused today's teenager scene.                         
Although they don't know it,                                
They like it! But, oh! it                                   
Will leave their minds blank as a screen.                   
                                                            
12422 CLEAN - THINGS                 Laurence Perrine    P9304



My garden was battered by hail,                             
And chewed by a big cottontail.                             
The remainder fell prey                                     
To an insect array;                                         
From now on I'll buy food reatil!                           
                                                            
12423 CLEAN - THINGS                 Mary A Summerline   P9202



The Mysteries of Man number ten --                          
"The Trinity, Life, Death, and Zen;                         
Where's Earhart and Judge Crater;                           
How to signal a waiter;                                     
And how to imprint M & M?"                                  
                                                            
12424 CLEAN - THINGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Maybe it's one certain chair;                               
I hope that I'm not sitting there.                          
I check my chair each day;                                  
It looks like it's okay.                                    
I don't want to become a pair!                              
                                                            
12425 CLEAN - THINGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I handle with fingers prehensile                            
An eraser-topped, number two pencil.                        
A tool for the arts                                         
Without moving parts--                                      
Indispensable writing utensil.                              
                                                            
12426 CLEAN - THINGS                 Laurence Perrine    P9304



The faucet is dripping again.                               
Each night it's the same old refrain.                       
I have changed the tap;                                     
My fix-it is crap.                                          
The dripping just gives me a pain.                          
                                                            
12427 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene Lewis            



The air comes in 'round the windows;                        
It gets much worse when the wind blows.                     
In winter I freeze,                                         
Then I start to sneeze;                                     
The cold air ain't good for my nose.                        
                                                            
12428 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene Lewis            



The back door fell off just last year.                      
It took almost three months, pert-near,                     
To get all new doors                                        
Installed by the stores,                                    
Who want bucks 'fore they get it in gear.                   
                                                            
12429 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene                  



The front porch is falling apart.                           
I don't know the carpentry art.                             
"Could you at least paint?"                                 
A painter I ain't.                                          
Looks like it was built by K-Mart.                          
                                                            
12430 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene                  



I need a new floor in the kitchen.                          
You might think that I am just bitchin',                    
But the pipes leaked one day --                             
The lino pealed away.                                       
The room does not look very fetchin'.                       
                                                            
12431 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene                  



I've lived here forever, it seems.                          
This could be the house of my dreams.                       
(Been having nightmares                                     
'Bout murderous chairs;                                     
I wake in the night to my screams.)                         
                                                            
12432 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene                  



An old house is hard to maintain.                           
All my money goes down the drain,                           
Or into the walls,                                          
The floor, or the halls.                                    
I really don't mean to complain!                            
                                                            
12433 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlenen                 



I bought a new fan from Bob Gates.                          
He tells me that it ovulates.                               
Mrs. Malaprop froze.                                        
And then I suppose,                                         
He'll tell me it also lactates.                             
                                                            
12434 CLEAN - THINGS                 Bic Willis         TP9807



They've dug up the park 'cross the way.                     
There'll be a hotel there someday.                          
It will block my view                                       
Of parking lots, too,                                       
But, it's just a mud hole today.                            
                                                            
12435 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene                  



Naturally it was made in Hong Kong.                         
But it really works like a song.                            
All pencils in the joint                                    
Have a very sharp point.                                    
Of course they're just two inches long.                     
                                                            
12436 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



First, a recall of Pokemon toys;                            
Now BK will sell Backstreet Boys.                           
Put your worries to rest?                                   
Sure, they've passed the choke test,                        
But this deal lacks all cultural poise.                     
                                                            
12437 CLEAN - THINGS                                          



"One more stamp," said the postman irate,                   
"To meet the new overweight rate!"                          
To which my reply                                           
Was, "I'd gladly comply,                                    
But won't that be adding more weight?"                      
                                                            
12438 CLEAN - THINGS                 Albin Chaplin       P9104



American manufacturers can be proud.                        
This machine stands out from the crowd.                     
Its dependability nears                                     
About twenty years--                                        
But the last ten's a little more loud.                      
                                                            
12439 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



You cannot get rid of your fridge;                          
You'll have to chuck it off a bridge.                       
EU says, with distaste,                                     
It's now hazardous waste;                                   
It's no longer safe just to squidge.                        
                                                            
12440 CLEAN - THINGS                 Tony Burrell             



I wished to discard an old freezer;                         
Inside are Denise and Theresa.                              
The temperature's rose                                      
And their bodies unfroze;                                   
Now they smell of dead fish and old cheese, sir.            
                                                            
12441 CLEAN - THINGS                 Peter Wilkins            



A rubber band is a gadget                                   
Of which there are few that can match it.                   
You can stretch it or twist it                              
Or wrap round your wrist it.                                
Without fidget it fits, too, your budget.                   
                                                            
12442 CLEAN - THINGS                 Laurence Perrine    P9304



In gadgets, Rube Goldberg was king.                         
With diagrams most ding-a-ling.                             
A Rube man wakes when                                       
Step one through step ten--                                 
Of mazes and then ting-a-ling.                              
                                                            
12443 CLEAN - THINGS                 Irving Superior     P9304



Shakespeare, given a coat of arms, blustered,               
Said, "My lords...," dropped his speech and got flustered;  
'Twas the head of a boar                                    
On a platter en or,                                         
But the motto read, "Not without mustard!"                  
                                                            
12444 CLEAN - THINGS                 Robin K. Willoughby P8402



Why's the star-spangled banner so beat?                     
The curators blame dust, light and heat.                    
But I think the wool cloth                                  
Hides a star spangle moth                                   
Eating all thousand twenty square feet.                     
                                                            
12445 CLEAN - THINGS                 Prof M-G           TP9807



"Not as many come now as before,"                           
Said the curator, blocking the door.                        
"When folks had no TV,                                      
String was something to see;                                
Now it's widely considered a bore.                          
                                                            
12446 CLEAN - THINGS                 Dogbard                  



Quarterly, in one and four,                                 
Barry of Or and Azure,                                      
In two and four                                             
Per bend Gules and Or,                                      
In base point a roundel Purpure.                            
                                                            
12447 CLEAN - THINGS                 Patrick O'Shea           



The thing only makes the furnace bolder.                    
I've told her, and told her, and told her.                  
But in July when it's hot,                                  
She turns it down to the dot.                               
She thinks she can dial the house colder.                   
                                                            
12448 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



A voiced thermostat they bally-hoo;                         
Warns of trouble in furnace or flue;                        
Has a three count to shout                                  
If the fire is out;                                         
Your heating chart will yell on two.                        
                                                            
12449 CLEAN - THINGS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Gules on a fess Sable four                                  
Swans Argent beaked and legged Or,                          
In sinister chief                                           
A canton or semy                                            
Of cross crosslets fitchy Azure.                            
                                                            
12450 CLEAN - THINGS                 Patrick O'Shea           



"The perfect machine," is his pitch.                        
The inventor, who hopes to get rich,                        
Calls this the best part;                                   
When you get it to start,                                   
A hand comes and turns off the switch.                      
                                                            
12451 CLEAN - THINGS                 A. N. Wilkins       P9304



The ads on TV are insultin',                                
The machine's a carnivorous glutton.                        
They are raucous and loud                                   
But I am not proud.                                         
My hand hovers near the MUTE button.                        
                                                            
12452 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



My telly went 'pop' in the night;                           
A power surge screwed it, alright.                          
The picture went small,                                     
The sound, not at all;                                      
In the dumpster it went with some might.                    
                                                            
12453 CLEAN - THINGS                                          



The scrupulous guard at the gate,                           
Bought alarms so he wouldn't be late.                       
On his death, in a box,                                     
They found two hundred clocks;                              
What a chore winding up his estate.                         
                                                            
12454 CLEAN - THINGS                 VOL 6                    



There was an old lady named Ella                            
Who never could find her umbrella.                          
She went to the store                                       
Where she bought forty-four,                                
Which she keeps down below in the cellar.                   
                                                            
12455 CLEAN - THINGS                 Helen Dowd               



A waiter came up to our table,                              
"Excuse me, this table's unstable.                          
And what is more,                                           
You must sit on the floor,                                  
'Cause the chairs, like the table ain't able."              
                                                            
12456 CLEAN - THINGS                 Marlene Lewis            



The ad says cobwebs and bugs,                               
And cleans draperies, furniture, mugs.                      
When I called the store                                     
To complain about my floor,                                 
They said, "Sorry, It doesn't do rugs!"                     
                                                            
12457 CLEAN - THINGS                 John K. Roberts     P9304



I'm sitting here writing this stuff,                        
Contemplating my navel. The fluff                           
It's collected today,                                       
I will vacuum away,                                         
If my Hoover is powerful enough.                            
                                                            
12458 CLEAN - THINGS                 Peter Wilkins            



Did I hear you call for a Hoover?                           
I'm a trained navel lint remover!                           
I can suck out your fluff --                                
Was that fast enough?                                       
Acchh! Give me the Heimlick Manouvre!                       
                                                            
12459 CLEAN - THINGS                 Petal                    



"Walla Walla" is realy an onion                             
Of a size, that if dropped on your bunion,                  
You'd give a shriek                                         
Every day of the week                                       
At an object sized for Paul Bunyan.                         
                                                            
12460 CLEAN - THINGS                 Roy Shaw            P8809



I want something new for my pleasure;                       
Something that's worthy, to treasure.                       
Maybe rounded or square,                                    
Smooth or with hair;                                        
As long as its length is its measure!                       
                                                            
12461 CLEAN - THINGS                 Freedom             T9711



Young Igor set out from Molotov,                            
Realized he'd left his walletov,                            
And though it caused pain                                   
Turned homeward again,                                      
Saying, "Oh how I hate to callitov."                        
                                                            
12462 CLEAN - TRAVEL                                          



A fellow who lived in Beirut                                
Left home to purchase some fruit;                           
He turned the wrong way,                                    
Ending up in Bombay;                                        
'Twas a rather circuitous route.                            
                                                            
12463 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Cap'n Bean          P0800



When I travel I get pretty choosy,                          
Insisting on place with Jacuzzi,                            
Free drinks in the lobby,                                   
The net (for my hobby);                                     
Clean sheets decorated with floozy.                         
                                                            
12464 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 John Miller              



A soapmaker had followed his dad                            
Into business, which hadn't been bad.                       
Soaps plain and soaps scented                               
From a warehouse they rented;                               
They export from Rome to Baghdad.                           
                                                            
12465 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Arthur Pattaffy          



When I'm lost in an area new,                               
I always find somebody who,                                 
Gives directions explicit,                                  
That end, "You can't miss it,"                              
But the fact is I can and I do.                             
                                                            
12466 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Thomas L. Hirsch    P9208



My eldest is gone with her brood.                           
The five of them yesterday moved.                           
I've been dancing with glee;                                
No more mess, don't you see?                                
No more toys will I find 'bout me strewed.                  
                                                            
12467 CLEAN - TRAVEL                                          



Our two teens who are left are so used                      
To our habits, they're seldom bemused.                      
So if sometimes, mayhap,                                    
Mom and Dad take a "nap",                                   
They don't notice.  To the TV they're glued.                
                                                            
12468 CLEAN - TRAVEL                                          



See, I've got my two youngest well trained,                 
But with grandchildren here, chaos reigned.                 
I guess I should feel sad.                                  
Nah... I'd rather be glad.                                  
It's been nearly four months we've restrained.              
                                                            
12469 CLEAN - TRAVEL                                          



On their camping excursions, the Merrils                    
Often thought of the pioneers' perils.                      
There was small pox, wild bears,                            
Frequent Indian scares,                                     
But they didn't encounter orange barrels.                   
(orange barrels used in highway construction in America)    
12470 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 A. N. Wilkins       P8709



I'm spending my time out of town,                           
In scenery all sere and brown.                              
With people as bland                                        
As this barren land,                                        
Not being at home gets me down!                             
                                                            
12471 CLEAN - TRAVEL                                          



Most tourists lay plans for much fun                        
In the warmth of the tropical sun,                          
But too much exposure                                       
Brings premature closure                                    
When they, not their plans, are well done.                  
                                                            
12472 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Norm Storer              



We were the first night sans casino.                        
We drove through the desert to Reno.                        
It's harsh and it's hot;                                    
Lush country, it's not.                                     
We'd not even stop to play Keno.                            
                                                            
12473 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



She'd feed the slots quarters all day;                      
To leave we were willing to pay!                            
We don't want to gamble;                                    
We're ready to ramble.                                      
We will have to drag her away!                              
                                                            
12474 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



We're riding in Jack's Dodge Ram van;                       
It's like being kept in a can.                              
There's seven of us;                                        
If one makes a fuss,                                        
We know he's become a madman.                               
                                                            
12475 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



We drove up the Tioga Pass;                                 
Saw slick rock which glistened like glass.                  
Such a breathtaking view;                                   
I'd have enjoyed it too,                                    
But my stomach revolted, alas!                              
                                                            
12476 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



An old man was standing near nude,                          
Hoping he was the sight that was viewed.                    
By wearing his speedo,                                      
He pumped his libido.                                       
In fact, he was simply quite lewd.                          
                                                            
12477 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



Death Valley it's called for good reason.                   
No matter the time or the season,                           
It's hot and it's sere.                                     
There's sweaty folk here.                                   
A rainstorm's when somebody's sneezin'.                     
(sere - withered, dry)                                      
12478 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



We toasted, we baked, and we broiled,                       
As over the summit we toiled.                               
Turned off the AC;                                          
(The sweat did run free!)                                   
If we hadn't, the van would have boiled.                    
                                                            
12479 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



I wonder what you'd have to say                             
'Bout driving the desert all day.                           
We're hot and we stink;                                     
We need more to drink.                                      
We should have gone north for to play.                      
                                                            
12480 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



Small ranches in Nevada have names                          
Implying that they're playing games.                        
The indecent sort                                           
Of the bedroom sport.                                       
They're wicked and should be in flames.                     
                                                            
12481 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Marlene                  



One thing that will never lose worth                        
Is traveling at length on the Earth.                        
Strange minds become grokked,                               
Their cultures -- unshocked,                                
Expanding ones tolerance girth.                             
                                                            
12482 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 H WHELCHEL               



An over-worked middle-aged guy                              
From Essex is heaving a sigh;                               
From comforts of home                                       
He will soon have to roam,                                  
And I fear that poor bugger is I.                           
                                                            
12483 CLEAN - TRAVEL                                          



The summertime's going away;                                
Of the sun, I've had barely a ray.                          
Some summer was this;                                       
'Twas exceedingly piss;                                     
I may emigrate later today.                                 
                                                            
12484 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Jayne                    



Our summer's been breezy and mild.                          
Now autumn blows in like a child.                           
An innocent dove,                                           
Receptive to love...                                        
Come visit Virginia awhile.                                 
                                                            
12485 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 H WHELCHEL               



My sister once stayed in Va,                                
In winter it snowed every day.                              
It snowed very deep,                                        
While she was asleep,                                       
And the skies were all murky and grey.                      
                                                            
12486 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Jayne                    



Virginia's for lovers, they say,                            
So I might come around there some day.                      
I'll save for the fare,                                     
And sleep in your chair,                                    
If you're happy to let me come stay.                        
                                                            
12487 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Jayne                    



I once met this little green man,                           
Who said, "Walk as fast as you can,                         
But first look left and right,                              
Especially at night,                                        
Or you'll end up as flat as a pan!"                         
                                                            
12488 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Friar                    



A fisherman living in Lock                                  
Complained that the length of the walk                      
From his house to the sea,                                  
Took two days or three,                                     
And more if he stopped for a talk.                          
                                                            
12489 CLEAN - TRAVEL                 Michael Palin            



Do yo think anyone understands                              
A strange word like the 'ampersand?'                        
It fill me with woe;                                        
It's weird like 'rondeau.'                                  
It's as bad as a 'multiplicand.'                            
                                                            
12490 CLEAN - WORDS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A collector who lived in Topeka                             
Bought an Early American beaker.                            
He explained, "To a painter,                                
Warhol may seem quainter,                                   
But I'm sure that my beaker's antiquer.                     
(quainter and antiquer are anagrams)                        
12491 CLEAN - WORDS                  Espygrams           P8312



How strange for a definite "she"                            
To think "Animal Husbandry,"                                
Any animal needing                                          
A husband for breeding                                      
Would conceivably not look at Me!                           
                                                            
12492 CLEAN - WORDS                  Ann Gasser          P9011



Things which once would have caused great dissension,       
In public attact little attention                           
In the Land of the Free,                                    
And from what I can see,                                    
There's nothing now that you can't mention.                 
                                                            
12493 CLEAN - WORDS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8802



"Asleep marble slab" -- that must be                        
Some West Coast jocularity,                                 
That we East Coasters hope                                  
Soon eastward will grope,                                   
And with it some lucidity.                                  
                                                            
12494 CLEAN - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P9806



A woman who once faked a letter; A                          
Reference by which she could get her a                      
Job much improved,                                          
Regretted her move,                                         
When they asked her to show her et cetera.                  
                                                            
12495 CLEAN - WORDS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



At first those words seemed most demonic.                   
I struggled with meaning and phonic --                      
Still all at once,                                          
I felt like a dunce,                                        
Then wrote some words boustrophedonic. (as the ox plows)    
                                                            
12496 CLEAN - WORDS                                           



If you hear, in a brangling mung,  (noisy mixture)          
You're the butt of a winxing ong-tongue,(braying tattletale)
Lunge for her felly   (harshly)                             
Aim for mouth or belly,                                     
Till you've an assything wrung.  (compensation for offense) 
                                                            
12497 CLEAN - WORDS                  Poplollys Bellbones P8501



The language that all of us speak                           
Is English and it is unique.                                
For when we read "break",                                   
We rhyme it with "cake".                                    
I think Mr. Webster's a freak.                              
                                                            
12498 CLEAN - WORDS                  Al Willis           T9707



A sailor setta sail from Genoa,                             
Butta he notta know where he goa.                           
Whenna he getta there                                       
He notta know where,                                        
So now he no goa no moa.                                    
                                                            
12499 CLEAN - WORDS                  Warrick Elrod            



Two monkeys a live in a zoo,                                
Getta bored with whatta they do.                            
One a said, "Let'sa go                                      
To a nice funny show."                                      
Now they look atta me anna you.                             
                                                            
12500 CLEAN - WORDS                  Warrick Elrod            



Unalloyed is our recommendation                             
For refinement and purification,                            
To remove every trace                                       
Of that which is base,                                      
Indulge in some hot cupellation.                            
(cupellation - smelting method for refining precious ores)  
12501 CLEAN - WORDS                  Ed Potts            P8801



Too often we use a de trop word  (superflous)               
Or lean hard on the indigo word,                            
But words such as these                                     
Do less to displease                                        
That words that are too-too froword. (perverse, unyielding) 
                                                            
12502 CLEAN - WORDS                  Bob Giandomenico    P8801



Great idea for wordplay got here.                           
Convolute, turn, subject, idea.                             
Repeat words, turn about,                                   
Leaving articles out;                                       
Result seems decidedly queer.                               
                                                            
12503 CLEAN - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P8604



FULSOME is less, rather, more,                              
Of anything good that's in store,                           
Sincerity sham,                                             
Excesses to cram,                                           
And liable to raise someone's gore.                         
                                                            
12504 CLEAN - WORDS                  Chris Papa          P9704



Easily seduced by fulsome praise,                           
Tyro will soon succumb to malaise,                          
Overweening pride                                           
Will rot from inside,                                       
And nothing's the price that he pays.                       
                                                            
12505 CLEAN - WORDS                  Daniel Ford         P9704



We limeys and yanks don't agree                             
On syllable emphasis, oui?                                  
I'll REsearch the matter,                                   
My FORTHcoming patter                                       
Shall DEtail deTAILS, all for free.                         
                                                            
12506 CLEAN - WORDS                  OgniGioia                



Two homographs are spelled the same.                        
Two homonyms are not to blame,                              
For sounding alike                                          
As do, dike and dyke;                                       
But these two are really quite tame.                        
                                                            
12507 CLEAN - WORDS                  Larry Davis         P8712



The ubiquitous diphthong o-u                                
Is tough to pronounce for there's coup,                     
Slough, dough, ought, rough                                 
All, of course, joust enough                                
To becloud a dour nous when you're through.                 
                                                            
12508 CLEAN - WORDS                  Jack Kevorkian           



Here's a question. Could someone explain                    
It to me and I'll not ask again?                            
The query is this:                                          
Why, when we reminisce,                                     
Do we go down, not up memory lane?                          
                                                            
12509 CLEAN - WORDS                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



"DOWNSIZE" is the word -- biz abuses it!                    
And each time I hears it, I loses it!                       
First they DOWNSIZE my check,                               
Then my benefits...Heck                                     
Think I'll DOWNSIZE the next guy that uses it!              
                                                            
12510 CLEAN - WORDS                  Writerman                



A fellow quite clearly eponymous                            
With mystery was surely synonymous.                         
No one knew who he was,                                     
Which was likely because                                    
His first and last names were anonymous.                    
                                                            
12511 CLEAN - WORDS                  Warrick Elrod            



Let's abolish the tattered cliche.                          
Let's agressively drive it away.                            
I'm sure you'll agree                                       
To join forces with me.                                     
In the meantime, have a nice day.                           
                                                            
12512 CLEAN - WORDS                  Russ Roth           P9410



Siunce Hebrew's read from right to left,                    
The Bethlehem is Mehelhteb.                                 
If this at home you'll learn,                               
You have when you return                                    
A retteb yats ne Viva Let.                                  
                                                            
12513 CLEAN - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P8811



Hill-Billy -- a word of contraction?                        
Or names, by way of compaction?                             
I'm sure that you'll see                                    
If you trace family tree,                                   
That they're both from above-said extraction.               
                                                            
12514 CLEAN - WORDS                  Friar               T9801



When seized by a physical need,                             
I search for a lady to knead,                               
But often I find                                            
She is not of like mind--                                   
And for all my trouble, get kneed!                          
                                                            
12515 CLEAN - WORDS                  Norm Storer         P9110



A homophone is very near                                    
To those that are shown above here.                         
Just lower case words,                                      
Not for Kurds and curds,                                    
A proper name cannot appear.                                
                                                            
12516 CLEAN - WORDS                  Larry Davis         P8712



A scholar from old Samothrace                               
Asked, "A hyphen in 'mammoth-race'?"                        
"For question as dicey as                                   
That, Dionysius,                                            
Best ask Zeus; cable 'Grammar, Thrace'."                    
                                                            
12517 CLEAN - WORDS                  Jasper Griffin      T9707



I hired a chap from Paree                                   
To work on my memoirs, you see.                             
But his style was pedantic                                  
With words so gigantic,                                     
No one would think it was me!                               
                                                            
12518 CLEAN - WORDS                  Monique de Plume         



I told the chauffeur of the cab,                            
"Sir, take me to La Marble Slab."                           
Scratched his head, said, "I bet                            
You're from Pentatette."                                    
The drove me to La Mental Lab.                              
                                                            
12519 CLEAN - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P9806



Our teacher says words like 'coniferous'.                   
Even worse are 'conspicuous' and 'deciduous'.               
Long words are a bore                                       
And we keep getting more                                    
But the end of the lesson's 'splendiferous'!                
                                                            
12520 CLEAN - WORDS                  Funfax Limericks         



A very smart lady from Rye                                  
Had an accent that gave her awye.                           
She said it was posh,                                       
Which they all knew was tosh.                               
She came from East Ham, so they sye.                        
                                                            
12521 CLEAN - WORDS                  Michael Palin            



When Englishmen and Yankees speak                           
Their diction sounds to each like Greek.                    
Diction -- heir we.                                         
Diction -- nary.                                            
And which is which, we each each tweak.                     
                                                            
12522 CLEAN - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P8811



"Hesitators are losers," we reap                            
As advice that we'd be wise to keep.                        
If we hold to this creed,                                   
Are we also to heed                                         
Those who tell us to look ere we leap?                      
                                                            
12523 CLEAN - WORDS                  Bob Giandomenico    P9004



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
He would have to adapt to the way                           
Certain words which he used                                 
Have become quite confused.                                 
For example "The lovers were gay."                          
                                                            
12524 CLEAN - WORDS                  Watto                    



Maladministration                                           
Is blatant supportation                                     
Of little heels                                             
And bigger wheels                                           
Engaged in peculation.                                      
(peculate - steal or embezzle)                              
12525 CLEAN - WORDS                  William K. Alsop    P8910



A mountain was happy although                               
It was tired of its altitude.   So,                         
It got Rand McNalley                                        
To call it a valley                                         
And spent its last years being low.                         
                                                            
12526 CLEAN - WORDS                  Ryan Waldron             



A mountain was filled with frustration,                     
Unable to change its location.                              
Terra Firma's travel guide                                  
Showed promise but died,                                    
And forever postponed its vacation.                         
                                                            
12527 CLEAN - WORDS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



While sitting there, twiddling his thumbs,                  
A fat man too loudly hums.                                  
Says his wife in distress                                   
"I would never have guessed,                                
That my word in this all is just "Mum's!"                   
                                                            
12528 CLEAN - WORDS                  Anonymous                



On the stage, once a question was flung                     
In a musical, prettily sung:                                
Oh, why did we further                                      
The cold blooded murder                                     
Of the famous and great English tongue?                     
                                                            
12529 CLEAN - WORDS                  Bill Backe-Hansen   P9102



There once was a man named Fishel,                          
Who lacked a middle initial.                                
The judge said, "I know,                                    
I'll give you an "O!"                                       
So right now his named is official.                         
                                                            
12530 CLEAN - WORDS                  Harry Squires       P9208



If I was God I would adjure                                 
A certain word all to abjure.                               
Though I'm not that authoritative                           
I find it perjoritive:                                      
Can't we think of something more mature?                    
                                                            
12531 CLEAN - WORDS                  Mike Dale                



"Newbie"s the word I'd erase;                               
It's a word that has seen better days.                      
If you are a new netter,                                    
You deserve something better                                
Than this juvenile school-bully phrase.                     
                                                            
12532 CLEAN - WORDS                  Mike Dale                



But I have a better suggestion?                             
That is a very good question.                               
It needs to be short                                        
And easily taught,                                          
So as not to cause mental congestion.                       
                                                            
12533 CLEAN - WORDS                  Mike Dale                



But it certainly isn't a sin                                
To just go straight ahead and jump in.                      
'Cause who knows whether you                                
Are an old hand or new?                                     
Everyone's once an internet virgin.                         
                                                            
12534 CLEAN - WORDS                  Mike Dale                



While claiming to practice perception,                      
The newspapers spew misconception.                          
With righteous pretense                                     
They falsehoods dispense                                    
As they daily deliver deception.                            
                                                            
12535 CLEAN - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P9308



That "n" word was quite the hum dinger.                     
I'll queue up to give you the finger,                       
As you scratch your beer belly                              
Watching Ma on the telly,                                   
Smiling toothlessly on Jerry Springer.                      
                                                            
12536 CLEAN - WORDS                                           



Don't say sad, say melancholy;                              
It's a much longer word, by golly.                          
Four-letter words                                           
Are for the birds,                                          
So never say tram, say trolley.                             
                                                            
12537 CLEAN - WORDS                  Harry Rubin         P9309



There is in this world multiplicity                         
Of beings with strange eccentricity,                        
Who connive in collusion                                    
To distribute confusion,                                    
And complexity make of simplicity.                          
                                                            
12538 CLEAN - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P9308



That essay by Miss Rose Macaulay                            
Has made me go all creepy-crawly.                           
My brain feels torpescent,                                  
Those words so turgescent,                                  
Are not all in the dictionary, surely?                      
                                                            
12539 CLEAN - WORDS                  Rose Vines               



A NOT asked another, "Oh, let                               
Us be knotted together, my pet!"                            
They tried, but forgot                                      
Two NOTS cannot knot,                                       
Let alone become part of a net.                             
                                                            
12540 CLEAN - WORDS                  Laurence Perrine    P8604



With words one must not be too venty;                       
For children use not over twenty.                           
By dispensing with verbiage,                                
You get rid of disturbiage,                                 
And one word to wives should be plenty.                     
                                                            
12541 CLEAN - WORDS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2828



Four words of identical sound:                              
A paddle for getting around;                                
Conjunction of choice;                                      
"Above" (poet's voice);                                     
Raw mineral mined from the ground.                          
                                                            
12542 CLEAN - WORDS                  Laurence Perrine    P8508



Bedraggled, bedridden and sore,                             
I said it would just make me more                           
Onery for that book                                         
Which I'd not want to look                                  
At or be read to out of from up for?                        
                                                            
12543 CLEAN - WORDS                  Aaron Bell          P9605



Do you like prepositions? I do.                             
Relatively they number but few.                             
Some are: of, without, with,                                
Through, from, to; though it's myth                         
That in southern states by is "bayou".                      
                                                            
12544 CLEAN - WORDS                  Loren Fitzhugh           



Prestidigitation                                            
Is mostly demonstration                                     
Of cutie pies                                               
With sleepy eyes                                            
In supine elevation.                                        
                                                            
12545 CLEAN - WORDS                  William K. Alsop    P8910



There was a Fair Lady in Spain                              
Who constantly sang about rain;                             
'Twas no mental affliction,                                 
She just polished her diction                               
Forecasting the rain on Spain's Plain.                      
                                                            
12546 CLEAN - WORDS                  Evelyn Bogen        P9405



In limericks, be careful of "read"                          
To pronounce is as "lead" or as "lead".                     
For not till the end                                        
Will you find out, my friend,                               
The the word rhymes with "seed" not with "said".            
                                                            
12547 CLEAN - WORDS                  Fredric Cohen       P8305



Recapitulation                                              
Is the tedious summation                                    
Of every word                                               
That one has heard                                          
Before the peroration.                                      
                                                            
12548 CLEAN - WORDS                  William K. Alsop    P8910



An Indiana Lad named 1909              (MCMIX)              
Was drafted from the town of French 59. (LIX)               
He got an ache in his 1499--            (MID)               
Section, he 999                         (DID)               
Because he was sent to Ft. 509.         (DIX)               
(the first Roman Numeral limerick)                          
12549 CLEAN - WORDS                  Ed Wolfert          P8203



From there he was sent to Fort 149   (CIL = SILL)           
The home of that famous gin 1049     (MIL = MILL)           
Having lifted the 449                (LID)                  
His libidinous 499                   (ID)                   
Wreaked havoc on 1001 1001 and 99.   (MIMI and LIL)         
(the second Roman Numeral limerick)                         
12550 CLEAN - WORDS                  Arthur Deex         P8203



A lady's iambic pentameter                                  
Is thirty-two inches in diameter.                           
The breadth of her scansion                                 
Is due to expansion                                         
In the pants of a critical amateur.                         
(scansion - analysis of rhythmic character in poetry)       
12551 CLEAN - WORDS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Where there's a will there's a way,                         
But Rome wasn't built in a day.                             
So let us all wait,                                         
Just procrastinate,                                         
And while the sun's shining make hay.                       
                                                            
12552 CLEAN - WORDS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the man, "It is perfectly clear                        
That you haven't the slightest idea                         
Of what nonsense you spout,                                 
For there isn't a doubt,                                    
It is bilge, undiluted and sheer."                          
                                                            
12553 CLEAN - WORDS                  Mark Wainwright          



As the bistro boss bellowed and bitched,                    
Saying six Swiss chefs shifts should be switched,           
Each chef got so miffed,                                    
At the shift of his shift,                                  
Food flew fast in a feud fever-pitched.                     
                                                            
12554 CLEAN - WORDS                                           



The boss in a grave exhortation                             
To the Bureau of Simplification                             
Of its government prose,                                    
Resolved to propose                                         
To do it: ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.                               
                                                            
12555 CLEAN - WORDS                  A. N. Wilkins       P9308



Lexicographers down on Cape Verde                           
Remained on the trail of "surd".                            
It's voiceless as stew.                                     
Irrational, too!                                            
This obsolete, meaningless word.                            
                                                            
12556 CLEAN - WORDS                  Larry Davis         P9302



There was an old man of Cape Verde                          
Who looked up the meaning of "surd".                        
He found there were eight,                                  
With half out of date.                                      
Small wonder that one was "unheard"!                        
                                                            
12557 CLEAN - WORDS                  Larry Davis         P9302



There's a new word I see, but can't suss.                   
Does one say it like puss, or like fuss?                    
Tell me, what does "wuss" mean?                             
Is it dirty or clean?                                       
Is it nasty or nice or a cuss?                              
                                                            
12558 CLEAN - WORDS                  Paul Hoffman             



Said a cool little miss from Schenectady,                   
"A murrein on words like synechdoche.                       
Let some master of arts                                     
Play with wholes and with parts,                            
As for me, I prefer hysterectomy."                          
(murrein - animal plague, synechdoche - a part equals all)  
12559 CLEAN - WORDS                  Conrad Aiken             



There's a new phrase I wish would go dance;                 
I would ban it, given the chance.                           
So if you ask a favor,                                      
Be a gratitude saver,                                       
Don't bug me with "thanks in advance"!                      
                                                            
12560 CLEAN - WORDS                  Prof M-G            T9710



As for our Constitution, we see --                          
For the founders who wrote it agree --                      
That there was a big scramble                               
About the Preamble:                                         
"Should it be 'Us the people' or 'We?'"                     
                                                            
12561 CLEAN - WORDS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8811



Tintinabulation                                             
Is the musical vibration                                    
Of little bells                                             
And cockle shells                                           
In cheerful agitation.                                      
                                                            
12562 CLEAN - WORDS                  William K. Alsop    P8910



Outside of a dog, if you look,                              
A man's best friend is a book.                              
The rest of the time                                        
Inside a canine,                                            
It's too dark to read anyhow.                               
                                                            
12563 CLEAN - WORDS                  Arthur Deex         P8305



Words both obtuse and obscure                               
I'll use since that's part of the lure                      
Of true obfuscation;                                        
Why I'm first in the nation.                                
I've words of which Webster's not sure.                     
                                                            
12564 CLEAN - WORDS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8604



Bats BORN in a BARN sadly cried,                            
"Though DARN it, we DART side to side,                      
Getting DIRT on our snout;                                  
There are no gnats about                                    
For the DIET we need." So they DIED.                        
(Words in caps vary from the next one by only one letter!)  
12565 CLEAN - WORDS                  Willard Espy        P8402



Can David slay the Philistine?                              
Can Gable play a stairway scene?                            
Can George, the Delaware?                                   
Can Nude descend a stair?                                   
Can poets write a verse pristine?                           
                                                            
12566 CLEAN - WORDS                  Irving Superior     P8811



An abbess that old Chaucer knew,                            
Had in INIMICAL view,                                       
Of all men on earth.                                        
She'd not share her berth,                                  
Except with a young nun or two.                             
                                                            
12567 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Chris Papa               



There was and old Abbot of Khief,                           
Who thought the Impenitent Thief,                           
Had bollocks of brass,                                      
And an amethyst ass.                                        
He died in this awful belief.                               
(And an ivory ass, A faith surpassing belief!)              
12568 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Norman Douglas      L0551



When a lusty old Abbess from Leeds,                         
Was discovered one day, in the weeds                        
Fondling a young nun,                                       
She said, "Christ! This is fun!                             
Far better than fingering beads!"                           
                                                            
12569 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                    L0555



At the Abbey, a monk name of Wells                          
Studied hard to advance from the cells.                     
After learning the ropes,                                   
He was filled with high hopes,                              
But they gave him a job tolling bells.                      
                                                            
12570 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Albin Chaplin   3024-3021



The Abbott of ancient St. Pfisters,                         
Had vigorous sex with the sisters,                          
Till the Abbess detected                                    
His sport, and objected                                     
By coating his backside with blisters.                      
                                                            
12571 CLERGY - ABBEYS                jemstone            P2006



In the middle of singing a psalm,                           
Brother Michael turned on all his charm.                    
He shook his wild locks,                                    
Removed both his socks,                                     
And set off the fire alarm.                                 
                                                            
12572 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Bill Wall                



At the Abbey, the Cardinal knocked                          
And the Mother Superior was shocked.                        
She had cause to suspect                                    
When he came to inspect                                     
The room where the candles were locked.                     
                                                            
12573 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2988



There was an adulterous Abbot,                              
As randy as any old rabbit;                                 
He'd even been known                                        
(Indeed, he was prone)                                      
With neighboring nuns to cohabit.                           
                                                            
12574 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Harold C Bibby           



For the nun, Bishop Cox was a sucker--                      
He proposed she suck him and he'd suck her.                 
Said the abbess, "He'll mourn                               
This affair before morn."                                   
And she offered to come to Cox' succor.                     
                                                            
12575 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Phil Cannibal       P9201



"A Vision Miraculous! Look!!                                
Its Our Shepherd a-holding his crook!"                      
"If you're wrong, Sister Maude,                             
We should pray to the Lord.                                 
It's an Abbot who's desperate to fook."                     
                                                            
12576 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



The Abbot was less than contrite                            
When told of the clergyman's plight.                        
He said, when he heard,                                     
"It sounds so absurd,                                       
'Cause everyone knows I'm airtight!"                        
                                                            
12577 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



Her brother, you see, was the abbot                         
Who (as was his wont and his habit)                         
Had droit de seigneur                                       
In the Convent Honfleur,                                    
Humping every new nun like a rabbit.                        
                                                            
12578 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



And should a novitiate nun                                  
Think him vile with his habit undone,                       
And resist his advances                                     
He'd call Brother Francis,                                  
Who'd carry her off to Verdun.                              
                                                            
12579 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



Brother Borr said, "Indulgence and fun                      
I eschew," but cloaked truth in pun.                        
"I am sober, and choose                                     
To abstain from all booze.                                  
As for pleasures of sex, I have nun."                       
                                                            
12580 CLERGY - ABBEYS                William N. Nesbit   P9708



"When I see a monk's ass, I just grab it",                  
Said a lazily amorous abbot.                                
"Though it's vastly more fun,                               
To make love to a nun,                                      
It's so hard to get into the habit.                         
                                                            
12581 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Playboy Oct 76           



Young Brother Ignatius the Gracious                         
Kept harems of Asians curvaceous.                           
The Abbot would visit                                       
For humpings illicit,                                       
Remarking "Good Geishas, Ignatius."                         
                                                            
12582 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Peter Wilkins            



In the HALCYON days of my youth,                            
An Abbot said I was uncouth                                 
When he found me drunk                                      
With three nuns and a monk                                  
In the Priory's telephone booth.                            
                                                            
12583 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Chris Papa               



There was an old Abbess quite shocked,                      
To find nuns where the candles were locked.                 
Said the Abbess, "You nuns,                                 
Should behave more like guns,                               
And never go off 'till you're cocked."                      
                                                            
12584 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                    L0562



There once was an Abbot of Brittany                         
Who chanted this desolate litany:                           
"If Christ is the source                                    
Of divine intercourse,                                      
Then how come I don't ever get any."                        
                                                            
12585 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Keith H. Peterson        



The abbott, IRASCIBLE cuss,                                 
Annoyed at the novices' fuss,                               
Would sigh to his beads,                                    
And exhale, "Who needs                                      
That brothers must behave as thus."                         
                                                            
12586 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Chris Papa               



Here lies the Abbot O'Finnigan;                             
Never, alas, will he sin again;                             
Stiff with the rigor                                        
But lacking the vigour                                      
For sticking it anywhere in again.                          
                                                            
12587 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



And buried next door in his cell                            
Lies a nun by the name of Michelle;                         
With her thighs all akimbo                                  
In permanent limbo,                                         
Just waiting to meet him in hell.                           
                                                            
12588 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



"In a monastery", cried Friar Tuck,                         
"Lewd brothers are pushing their luck;                      
So are lecherous Abbots                                     
With unwholesome habits --                                  
There's a Monkhouse for that sort of muck!"                 
                                                            
12589 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Bob Monkhouse            



The abbot was mad as could be                               
At monks who would let robes swing free,                    
And their butts expose,                                     
While thumbing their nose;                                  
Defiant act LESE MAJESTE.                                   
                                                            
12590 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Chris Papa               



Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit,                   
Brother Ambrose, that you should submit                     
Your signed IOU                                             
In lieu of a ewe --                                         
I just won't accept that sheep chit."                       
                                                            
12591 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Arthur Deex         P9511



A novice was told by the Abbot:                             
"Consider the goat and the rabbit.                          
While they roll in the hay,                                 
You just stay home and pray.                                
You've got to get out of the habit.                         
                                                            
12592 CLERGY - ABBEYS                P Chernoff               



There was an old Abbot of Binham,                           
Who enticed all the girls and got in 'em.                   
On the floor of the Abbey                                   
Until they were flabby,                                     
For hour upon hour he would pin 'em.                        
                                                            
12593 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



"All women are vile!" warned the Abbot,                     
"And wanking's a terrible habit.                            
But that is disgustin',                                     
Dear Brother Augustine,                                     
And no way to treat a poor rabbit."                         
                                                            
12594 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Peter Wilkins            



The Abbess of C.S.M.V.                                      
Feeling wanton as wantin' could be,                         
Took a priest to her bed.                                   
Though his organ seemed dead --                             
The res-erection was wondrous to see!                       
(C.S.M.V. = ??)                                             
12595 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Bill Loring         P9001



There once was an amorous abbot,                            
Who longed to get into the habit                            
Of a virginal nun,                                          
Whom he scragged on the run.                                
(They've injected her pee in a rabbit.)                     
                                                            
12596 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Ray A. Billington   P9309



Whenever the Abbot craves fun,                              
He summons the same willing one:                            
A hot-panties sister                                        
Who makes his dong blister!                                 
She is known as his sine qua nun!                           
                                                            
12597 CLERGY - ABBEYS                                         



An abbey once stood, Benedictine.                           
Wherein lived young Katie, just sixteen.                    
It wasn't much fun;                                         
Her pleasures were nun.                                     
And desperate, she thought about strychnine.                
                                                            
12598 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Tiddy Ogg                



The mad monk makes young nuns or two;                       
Compiling coarse sins quite a few.                          
His Abbot got tough                                         
And said, "That's enough!                                   
Here's your airfare to TIMBUKTO!"                           
                                                            
12599 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Chris Papa               



Attempting to stop his wet dreams,                          
Brother Francis has tried many schemes                      
Using bells and a whistle                                   
Attached to his gristle,                                    
But still finds he frequently creams.                       
                                                            
12600 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Peter Wilkins            



So grimly the Abbot said, "Look.                            
Onanism's a sin in my book.                                 
Inadvertent or not,                                         
Tie your dick in a knot,                                    
Or start sleeping with Annie the cook."                     
                                                            
12601 CLERGY - ABBEYS                Peter Wilkins            



There was an Archbishop of Rheims,                          
Who played with himself in his dreams.                      
On his nightshirt in front,                                 
He painted a cunt,                                          
Which made his cock gush forth in streams.                  
(Published 1879)                                            
12602 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                               L1329



The verdict on Archbishop Jabez:                            
"He's worse than a bad case of rabies;                      
He's pervaded with sin --                                   
Why the things he's been in,                                
From buggering 'teens to mere babies!"                      
                                                            
12603 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Armand Singer       P0207



And now the Archbishop of Cant-                             
Erbury's making his rant,                                   
About fifty great years,                                    
He's spent ass-fucking queers,                              
But vowing from now on, he shan't.                          
                                                            
12604 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Tiddy Ogg                



An Archbishop traveling in Cheshire                         
Was under a great deal of pressure.                         
When faced with temptation,                                 
(To wit: Fornication)                                       
He feared he required a refresher.                          
                                                            
12605 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Paul M. Hoffman          



My semi-demented Aunt Alice                                 
Went to dine at the archbishop's Palace;                    
But she fell into sin,                                      
Drinking far too much gin,                                  
And pissed in his second-best chalice.                      
                                                            
12606 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Martin Hubbard           



The Archbishop, surprised, said, "O daughter!               
You have done what you shouldn't have oughter;              
And in cases like this,                                     
While we don't call it piss,                                
I'll be damned if it's quite 'Holy Water.'"                 
                                                            
12607 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Martin Hubbard           



The aged Archbishop of Joppa,                               
Said, "I think circumcision improper                        
If the organ is small;                                      
But I don't mind at all                                     
About cutting a slice off a whopper."                       
                                                            
12608 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                               G1121



"The conception," an Archbishop said                        
"Of a personal temptor is dead."                            
But a meek little curate                                    
Begged leave to demur; it                                   
Was something he fought with in bed.                        
                                                            
12609 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           L.E.J.              G1155



A feckless Archbishop named Macht                           
Gave unction unfurled and stiff-cocked;                     
He was caught at long last,                                 
Robes and undies half-mast;                                 
The Pope had to have him defrocked.                         
                                                            
12610 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Armand Singer       P0301



In the middle of sining an anthem,                          
The archbishop lisped: "My, you're 'anthome."               
At which Norman Lamont                                      
Toppled into the font,                                      
Being pushed by that old bitch from Granthem.               
                                                            
12611 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Bill Wall                



Said the hooker to Archbishop Quinn,                        
"I've committed a terrible sin."                            
He made the concession                                      
To hear her confission,                                     
But she hardly knew where to begin.                         
                                                            
12612 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Popsicle           TP9807



There was an Archbishop in France,                          
Who saw a nude woman by chance.                             
The result, I affirm,                                       
Was emission of sperm                                       
In the archiepiscopal pants.                                
                                                            
12613 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                               L0548



Let's hear it for Archbishop Carey;                         
A reverend cannot be a fairy.                               
Those dog-collared queers                                   
Will be out on their ears,                                  
Before you can say a Hail Mary.                             
                                                            
12614 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Tony Davie Collection    



Each day an archbishop named Flynn,                         
Who wears a perpetual grin,                                 
To teach what he can                                        
Of the nature of man,                                       
Commits an original sin.                                    
                                                            
12615 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Cyber Geezer             



The reverend Archbishop of Lynn                             
Was suddenly tempted to sin.                                
But an angel of God                                         
Put a hex on his rod,                                       
Thus preventing him getting it in.                          
                                                            
12616 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Hugh Oliver         A063B



The Catholic Archbishop Pell,                               
Of dangers and sins he does tell --                         
Though smoking is sad,                                      
If Gay, you're just bad,                                    
But boy-loving priests avoid Hell!                          
                                                            
12617 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



"The Devil," said Archbishop Pell,                          
"Can rule over Gays down in Hell.                           
His fires won't be stokin'                                  
With virgins a'smokin',                                     
Or Pedophile priests who excel!"                            
                                                            
12618 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



The Devil said, "Archbishop Pell                            
Will discover the joys of my Hell.                          
When he finally dies,                                       
We'll serve him with fries,                                 
And battered and deep-fried as well."                       
                                                            
12619 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



"The Devil," said Archbishop Pell,                          
"Rejects Priests and smokers as well;                       
But if you are gay                                          
In Hell you must stay,                                      
And I am the one who will tell!"                            
                                                            
12620 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



The Devil said "Archbishop Pell                             
Has a mind that is not very well.                           
It flounders in dirts,                                      
Makes Gospels perverse,                                     
And fills up my furnace quite well!"                        
                                                            
12621 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



"The Devil," said Archbishop Pell,                          
Invaded God's Earth here as well.                           
With Muslim perversions                                     
And Turkish diversions,                                     
Most everyone's going to Hell!"                             
                                                            
12622 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



The Devil said "Archbishop Pell                             
Is the only one certain of Hell.                            
He's lost all the joy,                                      
Thinks redemptions a ploy;                                  
All thinking he just wants to quell!"                       
                                                            
12623 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



"Georgie!  Now why the long face?                           
Expecting that pearly-gate place?                           
Too late to recant                                          
Your barbaric rant.                                         
Relax, while we fete your disgrace!"                        
                                                            
12624 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



Archbishop George Pell of Melbourne                         
Has had all their sinners reborn.                           
So they sent him to Sydney                                  
'Cause the Pope said "Please rid me                         
Of gays; from the Church they'll be torn!                   
                                                            
12625 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Archie                   



And though I hate gays, I revile                            
That hypocrite Reverend Nile.                               
Although anti-porny                                         
And never found horny,                                      
He has that damned Protestant style.                        
                                                            
12626 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Archie                   



Non-gays who are living in sin,                             
As well, we will throw in the bin.                          
They are outside the Church;                                
They'll be left in the lurch --                             
As they burn down below, we can grin.                       
                                                            
12627 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Archie                   



As Satan sits rubbing his hands,                            
And gathering sinners in bands,                             
'Cause stubborn old George                                  
Will do nothing but forge                                   
A decline until Rome's church disbands.                     
                                                            
12628 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Archie                   



St Paul likened marriage to Hell,                           
And is just to make the girls swell.                        
These days we should pay                                    
To make the guy stay,                                       
According to Archbishop Pell!                               
                                                            
12629 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                                    



The Archbishop of Tipperary                                 
Was fucking his young secretary.                            
To keep from succumbing                                     
To premature coming,                                        
He repeatedly prayed the "Hail Mary".                       
                                                            
12630 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           Anon                     



Said the Reverend Archbishop Jones,                         
As he rammed a choirgirl to the stones:                     
"You may trust and believe                                  
That you will not conceive,                                 
So stifle your moans and your groans."                      
                                                            
12631 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                               G1120



A fervent young maid of Bermuda                             
Embraced all the doctrines of Buddha.                       
But in six weeks, all told,                                 
She returned to the fold,                                   
When the Anglican Archbishop screwed her.                   
                                                            
12632 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                               G1088



When the Archbishop sprinkled their tools,                  
They broke all episcopal rules,                             
And piddled right back at him;                              
Took quite a whack at him;                                  
Smeared him all over with stools.                           
                                                            
12633 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS                               G1167



The archbishop swore by the rood,                           
He would see that the hooligans rued                        
That day on the road                                        
Where his fair mistress road                                
And the louts were all booring and rude.                    
                                                            
12634 CLERGY - ARCHBISHOPS           A. N. Wilkins       P9112



The girls at the parish of Twickenham                       
Said the use of foul anguage did sicken 'em.                
Said the bishop, so pensive,                                
"If you find cunts offensive,                               
Then be sure that you don't stick a prick in 'em."          
                                                            
12635 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1106



A bishop whose station was nominal                          
Developed a belly phenomenal.                               
He was famed on this earth,                                 
Not for oversize girth,                                     
But eruptions and rumblings abdominal.                      
                                                            
12636 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2731



The bishop and I shared a gherkin,                          
As we knocked back the ale by the firkin.                   
He said: "During confessions,                               
I do farmyard impressions.                                  
Cluck cluck cluck!  Well, it's better than workin'."        
                                                            
12637 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Bill Wall                



The bishop of Alexandretta                                  
Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.                    
So he thought he'd enshrine her                             
As the Holy Vagina                                          
In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.                  
                                                            
12638 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G1084



A synod the bishops convene;                                
The discussion theme, "What is obscene?"                    
While under the table                                       
Are Myrtle and Mable                                        
Giving bishop peckers a sheen.                              
(Bishop Sheen - Catholic TV evangelist 1950's)              
12639 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Peter Wilkins            



Evangelical vicar in want                                   
Of a portable secondhand font,                              
Would dispose of the same                                   
For a protrait (in frame)                                   
Of the Bishop-Elect of Vermont.                             
(Knox ran this as a classified newspaper advertisement.)    
12640 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Ronald Knox              



There once was a Bishop named Frick,                        
Who had an oversized dick.                                  
As he traveled around                                       
It dragged on the ground;                                   
From whence came the term "Bishopric."                      
                                                            
12641 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Popsicle                 



Though clerical errors are fun,                             
The Bishops decree there are none,                          
Or else they infer                                          
That if they occur,                                         
They must never be seen to be done.                         
                                                            
12642 CLERGY - BISHOPS               E O Parrot               



The young seminarians' way                                  
Of greeting the dawn of each day,                           
Was to dance in the nude                                    
'Round the Bishop of Bude,                                  
Because everyone thought he was gay.                        
                                                            
12643 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Martin Hubbard           



As the bishop's exalted routine                             
Nowadays keeps him far from the scene,                      
Where he might make time                                    
With the girls in their prime,                              
All that's left is to bugger the dean.                      
                                                            
12644 CLERGY - BISHOPS               A. N. Wilkins       P9101



The horny old bishop of Franktum                            
Invaded the Pope's inner sanctum,                           
Where he beat it to metre,                                  
'Neath the Dome of St. Peter,                               
Then he buggered the Pope and he thanked 'im.               
                                                            
12645 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1023



A horny old bishop named Bart                               
Made buggery a very fine art.                               
He performed so superior                                    
At the papal posterior                                      
That the Pope had no time for a fart.                       
                                                            
12646 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0971



On some bishops, a scientist, Brown,                        
Plastered butter in front of each gown.                     
Then he threw a full score                                  
From the fortieth floor,                                    
And they hit with the buttered side down.                   
                                                            
12647 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1975



Though the bishop had strong provocation                    
From those minxes at their confirmation,                    
Since he buggered the bitches                               
Who got into his britches,                                  
He was had up for child molestation.                        
                                                            
12648 CLERGY - BISHOPS               A. N. Wilkins       P8507



An actress used language so crass,                          
To a Bishop in his bed of brass,                            
That he called out "My dear!                                
Cease that language, d'you hear?                            
Keep a civil tongue there up my ass!"                       
                                                            
12649 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                        



Greek sculptors attired in smocks;                          
Nude statues created from rocks.                            
But their names are forgotten,                              
We recall just the rotten                                   
Old bishops who knocked off their cocks.                    
                                                            
12650 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin 3024  G1160



There was an old harlot Alsatian                            
Whose house was the best in the nation.                     
An old bishop of yore,                                      
Who loved piece and not war,                                
Kissed her twat at the house consecration.                  
                                                            
12651 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0963



The Bishop of Winchester Junction,                          
Found his phallus would no longer function.                 
So in black crepe he wound it,                              
Tied a lily around it,                                      
And solemnly gave it last unction.                          
                                                            
12652 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   L0570



When the bishop was blessing nun Grace,                     
His weakened heart started to race,                         
Then she raised up her smock                                
And invited his cock,                                       
But he died with a smock on his face.                       
                                                            
12653 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin            



A rebuke by the Bishop of London                            
To his randy young dean, Dr. John Donne:                    
"In the name, sir, of God, peace.                           
If you won't wear a codpiece,                               
Don't preach with your flybuttons undone."                  
                                                            
12654 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Victor Gray              



That sneaky old Bishop of Bree                              
(An unabashed sinner was he)                                
By resolve and design                                       
Swilled the Eucharist wine,                                 
Replacing the contents with pee.                            
                                                            
12655 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Armand E Singer       239



The surrogate Bishop of Ayr,                                
Was reduced to a state of despair,                          
By the fact that his dreams                                 
Contradicted the themes                                     
Of his eloquent leadings in prayer.                         
                                                            
12656 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Tony Davie          P9601



The Bishop of Coventry sighed,                              
"Her pubic hair, brownish, seemed dyed."                    
The Duke, to respond,                                       
"Since I thought them blonde,                               
Why not ask Blind Tom to decide?"                           
                                                            
12657 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Arthur Deex         P9101



Said the Bishop, "My dear, you are right:                   
The Vicar's a man of great might.                           
But he hasn't my flash,                                     
My vigor and smash,                                         
And he can't come eight times in one night!"                
                                                            
12658 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G1126



The Bishop of Tassafaronga,                                 
Could stand his seclusion no longa.                         
His habits monastic                                         
Were very elastic--                                         
But, unhappily, so was his donga.                           
                                                            
12659 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   L1662



There once was a Bishop of Treet,                           
Who decided to be indescreet.                               
But after one round,                                        
To his horror he found,                                     
You repeat and repeat and repeat!                           
                                                            
12660 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   L0567



"The eminent Bishop of Birmingham                           
Seduced the young girls when confirmingham.                 
When they came to confess                                   
He would lift up their dress                                
And insert his Episcopal wormingham."                       
                                                            
12661 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                        



Father Clement's new see was the sea                        
As he saw when he looked out to see:                        
There were fishes and fishers                               
And praying well-wishers.                                   
We called him "our dear Father C."                          
                                                            
12662 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Laurence Perrine    P9101



"Baptize me, Bish knows what I want,"                       
Said the babe with a wink and a taunt.                      
So it wasn't his crosier                                    
That grew rosier and rosier,                                
And then suddenly filled up the font.                       
(crosier - bishop's staff or crook)                         
12663 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Don Moore           P9101



There was a good Bishop of Durham,                          
Who fished with a hook and a worm.                          
Said the Dean to the Bishop                                 
"I've brought a big fish up,                                
And I fear we will have to interr'm."                       
                                                            
12664 CLERGY - BISHOPS               W R Inge                 



An impotent Bishop named Clyde,                             
Could never a woman bestride.                               
He said, "It's a sin                                        
To shove that thing in!"                                    
So he didn't, but God knows he tried.                       
                                                            
12665 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Margaret A. Murdock P8312



There was a young lady named Gression                       
Who went to the church for confession.                      
She was felt as she knelt                                   
By the Bishop of Gelt,                                      
Who confessed to a serious transgression.                   
                                                            
12666 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1033



When the Bishop looked over his see,                        
I fear that he overlooked me,                               
And now I've a notion                                       
He considers the Ocean                                      
A sea he can well oversee.                                  
                                                            
12667 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Laurence Perrine    P9101



There was an old Bishop of Buckingham,                      
Fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.          
His wife, with disdain,                                     
Could scarcely restrain,                                    
The spritely old Bishop from fucking 'em.                   
                                                            
12668 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                        



The visiting Bishop of Fife,                                
Had a nymphomaniacal wife.                                  
While he exhorted the pews,                                 
She was out in the mews,                                    
Bringing stodgy young vicars to life.                       
(mews - coops or stables)                                   
12669 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G1108



The receptionist asked, "What was wrong                     
With that girl you just saw, Bishop Sprong?                 
Please don't think me shrewish,                             
But could she have been Jewish?                             
Why else cry out 'How long! Lord, how long!'?"              
                                                            
12670 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Robin K. Willoughby P8707



The wish of the Bishop of Michigan                          
Was to make all his sexy bits itch again.                   
With actions adroit                                         
In downtown Detroit,                                        
He urged them to surge in a niche again.                    
                                                            
12671 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                        



What do they mean when they say,                            
The Episcopal Bishop is gay?                                
Are we to posit                                             
He's out of the closet,                                     
Or runs around shouting Hurray!                             
                                                            
12672 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Timothy Torkildson       



The bishop, an actress related,                             
Was seen to be flushed and elated.                          
When asked why this was,                                    
He said, "It's because                                      
The bishopric's just been fellated."                        
                                                            
12673 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Tim Chafer         TP9807



The world on a new course embarks;                          
Let bishops clean toilets in parks.                         
And the all-holy Pope                                       
Should be strung from a rope,                               
And the cardinals thrown to the sharks.                     
                                                            
12674 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1011



The Bishop-Elect of Hong Kong                               
Has a cock that is ten inches long.                         
He thinks the spectators                                    
Are admiring his gaiters                                    
When he goes to the Gents -- he is wrong.                   
                                                            
12675 CLERGY - BISHOPS               W. H. Auden              



A lecherous Bishop of Peoria,                               
In a state of constant euphoria,                            
Enjoyed having fun,                                         
With a whore or a nun,                                      
While chanting the Sanctus and Gloria.                      
                                                            
12676 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   L0558



There never was anything neater,                            
Than the Bishop of Chichester's peter.                      
In the heat of a clinch,                                    
It would stretch from an inch,                              
To just a bit short of a meter.                             
                                                            
12677 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G0411



A bishop there was of Dundee,                               
Who would bounce little girls on his knee.                  
And he cuddled and pinched 'em,                             
Until the town lynched him,                                 
For putting his hands where they pee!                       
                                                            
12678 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Vassar W Smith     P9305 



The awful old Bishop of Purvis                              
Would wiggle and scratch during service.                    
His balls and his boredom,                                  
And his attitude toward 'em                                 
Made all his parishioners nervous.                          
                                                            
12679 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G1152



"I am the Bishop of Yardleigh,                              
And though you mightn't think it of me,                     
I've a face like a lamb,                                    
A prick like a ram                                          
And a mind like a W.C."                                     
(W.C. - water closet = toilet)                              
12680 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G2750



The Bishop of Ibu Plantation,                               
Wrote a thesis on Transfiguration,                          
For the Christian Review,                                   
(As good Bishops do)                                        
Whilst practicing miscegenation.                            
                                                            
12681 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   L1661



There was an old Bishop of Kent                             
Who never screwed nuns during Lent.                         
He said this motivation                                     
Was from sheer exaltation,                                  
But in truth his resources were spent.                      
                                                            
12682 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1046



An Episcopal Bishop coadjutor                               
Proclaimed that he like persons neuter:                     
"For so long as they're tender,                             
The question of gender                                      
Is a relative one to a fruiter."                            
                                                            
12683 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G1055



Did you know that the Bishop at Eton                        
Schemes at nothing but getting his meat in?                 
He has whores by the scores                                 
And can undo his drawers                                    
With no hands, while a girl he is greetin'.                 
                                                            
12684 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   G1105



"In battle I found it dismaying                             
That the bishop was always delaying.                        
As a general, Polk,"                                        
Said Bragg, "Is a joke                                      
And henceforth should stick to his praying."                
                                                            
12685 CLERGY - BISHOPS               A. N. Wilkins       P9101



Said Bishop of St. Luke's On Trent,                         
"Give up sex perversion for Lent!"                          
Though it won't be easy,                                    
Since I am so sleazy,                                       
I shant boff a ewe in a tent.                               
                                                            
12686 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                        



The venerable Bishop of Twickenham                          
His youth spent on assholes and sticking 'em.               
After years had elapsed                                     
His poor prick -- it collapsed --                           
Now his thoughts are on pussies and licking 'em.            
                                                            
12687 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1107



The Bishop of Bath and of Wells                             
Was deficient in spermatoid cells.                          
His frail masculinity                                       
Preserved the virginity                                     
Of all the diocesan belles.                                 
                                                            
12688 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The horny old Bishop of Lundy,                              
While itching for ass, sipped burgundy.                     
But no nun would consent                                    
For the period of Lent,                                     
So he palmed it by hand on Palm Sunday.                     
                                                            
12689 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1055



"I say," said the Bishop of Woking,                         
"This matter I fear is provoking,                           
For the Duchess of Tweekly                                  
Has her periods twice weekly,                               
Which leaves me no period for poking."                      
                                                            
12690 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1115



There was an old Bishop from Rye                            
Who was hit in the face by a pie.                           
Then he said, "Bugger!                                      
There's steak in my 'lugger',                               
And a kidney stuck right in my eye!"                        
                                                            
12691 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Anon                     



A penitent bishop named Gallet                              
Would sleep on a hard, wretched pallet,                     
Put on a hair shirt,                                        
Eat food full of dirt,                                      
And pound both his balls with a mallet.                     
                                                            
12692 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Armand E Singer       655



The oversexed Bishop of Gloucester,                         
Each girl that he saw, he'd accost her;                     
He tried expiation                                          
For suchlike temptation                                     
By spouting a weak Pater Noster.                            
                                                            
12693 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Armand E Singer       501



Two girls went to see Bishop Noyes --                       
Confirmation proceeded with poise.                          
When they both tried to lick                                
His Episcopal prick,                                        
He explained he preferred little boys.                      
                                                            
12694 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Al Chaplin          P8507



When the bishop's prick failed, it appears                  
That the nuns were beset with great fears.                  
Fifty harlots from Dallas                                   
And the Queen from her palace,                              
Attended the wake and shed tears.                           
                                                            
12695 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0965



There was an old Bishop of Chichester,                      
Who said thrice (the Latin for which is 'ter'),             
"Avaunt and defiance,                                       
Foul spirit called Science,                                 
And quit Mother Church, thou bewitchest her."               
                                                            
12696 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Anon Punch 1925   (Bibby)



For the bishop, a nun name of Block,                        
Showed her cunt when she lifted her frock.                  
But the bishop drew back,                                   
"What an unholy crack!                                      
I would much rather play with my cock!"                     
                                                            
12697 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0986



A frustrated bishop was Blaining;                           
On nuns he was no longer gaming,                            
So to better his scores                                     
He relinquished his whores,                                 
And from cornholing priests was refraining.                 
                                                            
12698 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0984



There once was a girl from Paris,                           
Who claimed, "No one has gotten to me!"                     
Then the Bishop of Rheims                                   
Changed all that, it seems.                                 
Now she hardly takes time out to pee.                       
                                                            
12699 CLERGY - BISHOPS               John Miller 0326         



The Victorian bishop swore, "Zounds!                        
A man's doctrine is surely not grounds                      
For awarding a see.                                         
The question to me,                                         
Is if he can ride with the hounds."                         
                                                            
12700 CLERGY - BISHOPS               A. N. Wilkins       P9101



A spy for the Holy See saw                                  
Some bishops not only seesaw                                
On celibacy                                                 
But, peep-holing, he                                        
Some anti-celibacy saw.                                     
                                                            
12701 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Irving Superior     P9101



The bishop, determined to dwell                             
With the natives in order to sell                           
The Gospel to friends,                                      
With their questioning ends,                                
By writing to prove there's no Hell.                        
                                                            
12702 CLERGY - BISHOPS               A. N. Wilkins       P9101



A bishop from Texas named Leven                             
Pulled out his six shooter or seven?                        
He slipped in a clip                                        
And shot from the hip,                                      
Sending numerous colleagues to heaven.                      
                                                            
12703 CLERGY - BISHOPS               New Zealand Bishop  P8601



"Well, Madam," the Bishop declared,                         
While the Vicar just mumbled and stared,                    
"'Twere better, perhaps,                                    
In the crypt or the apse,                                   
Because sex in the nave must be shared."                    
                                                            
12704 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                        



A sister the Bish tried to schtup.                          
"It doth not runneth over, mine cup."                       
So obediently,                                              
With neither hand free,                                     
She tried hard to help the bishop!                          
                                                            
12705 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Jane D. Hughes      P9101



The Bishop almost had a stroke                              
Any time that Bysshe Shelly up spoke.                       
Though he knew very well he                                 
Couldn't burn Bysshe in Hell, he                            
Could at least make poor Shelly smell smoke.                
                                                            
12706 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Laurence Perrine    P9101



There was an old Bishop of Rome                             
Who practiced his craft 'neath the Dome.                    
He'd rejoice with great noise                               
As he buggered choir boys,                                  
So the Pope shipped his ass off to Nome.                    
                                                            
12707 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Frank Ward          P9309



To the Pope, said the Bishop of Strand,                     
"I've a birth control method so grand.                      
The solution, I fear,                                       
May not be very clear,                                      
But I have it right here in my hand."                       
                                                            
12708 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1096



A Bishop whose see was Vermont,                             
Used to jack himself off in the font.                       
The baptistry stank                                         
With an odor most rank,                                     
And no one would sit up in front.                           
                                                            
12709 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   L0568



To replenish each Parish Poor Box,                          
The cardinals held secret talks.                            
By Papal Decree,                                            
For a nominal fee,                                          
Each bishop should suck forty cocks.                        
                                                            
12710 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0987



A bibulous bishop would preach                              
After sunning his balls on the beach.                       
But his love life was ended                                 
By a paunch so distended                                    
It annulled, ipso facto, his reach.                         
                                                            
12711 CLERGY - BISHOPS                                   L1209



There was a permissive young Bishop,                        
Who said to 'square' vicars, "Oh Pish!  Op-                 
inions do vary--                                            
Pray don't be contrary!                                     
What's wrong with a porn-cannabis shop?"                    
                                                            
12712 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Harold C. Bibby          



"Your most pious bishops are ones                           
Who never just sit on their buns,"                          
Caesare Borgia once noted.                                  
"They all are devoted                                       
To taking good care of their sons."                         
                                                            
12713 CLERGY - BISHOPS               A. N. Wilkins       P9101



Said an elderly Bishop named Greville,                      
At a secret episcopal revel,                                
"We're distressingly bored                                  
With the words of our Lord,                                 
So let us discourse with the Devil.                         
                                                            
12714 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Little Billee            



The moment I got deathly sick,                              
To my opthamologist quick.                                  
By him reassured;                                           
My nausea cured --                                          
There was no mis-spelled Bishoprick.                        
                                                            
12715 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Irving Superior     P9101



A bishop of tasteful distinction                            
Declined to commune by intinction,                          
"When I dip the bread,                                      
The small crumbs that are shed                              
Transubstantiate down in the sinktion."                     
(intinction - dipping bread in wine to get both)            
12716 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Bob Maximoff        P9103



An old Bishop of Bath and of Wells                          
Used to break up his room in hotels.                        
Then he'd rip off his gaiters;                              
Abuse several waiters;                                      
Well, he was never a one for the belles.                    
                                                            
12717 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Bill Wall                



The bishop engaged an assortment                            
Of hustlers for ribald disportment.                         
He observed, "Though I'm thrilled                           
By their antics so skilled,                                 
I must censor their vulgar deportment.                      
                                                            
12718 CLERGY - BISHOPS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0966



There was an old bishop named Fitches,                      
Who ripped off his gown and his britches.                   
With his prick at full length                               
He cried, "God give me strength!"                           
And he fucked all the saints in their niches.               
                                                            
12719 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1019



An Episcopal bishop named Prout                             
Was sometimes afflicted with doubt.                         
When this chanced to occur,                                 
He would find him a her,                                    
And indulge in a bawdy night out.                           
                                                            
12720 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Harald S. Green     P8510



It is true that the Bishop of Birmingham                    
Had diddled these girls while confirming 'em;               
For he took down his pants                                  
'Mid liturgical chants,                                     
And released the Episcopal sperm in em.                     
                                                            
12721 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0979



The clergy of Birmingham last heard                         
That their broad-minded Bishop got plastered.               
The occasion was this:                                      
He was told by a miss                                       
He'd begot an Episcopal bastard.                            
                                                            
12722 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0980



But this Bishop did nothing amiss                           
In conducting these lasses to bliss.                        
May the Church ne'er unfrock                                
His Episcopal cock,                                         
But preserve it -- a relic to kiss.                         
                                                            
12723 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0981



The disgusting old Bishop of Strood                         
Buggered choir boys alone in the nude.                      
He pulled a huge blob                                       
From the end of his knob,                                   
And said,"My, how these boys bolt their food!"              
                                                            
12724 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED                              



At the church stood the Bishop van Krepp;                   
He was eating a nun on the step.                            
While the Pope in a rage,                                   
And belying his age,                                        
Fucked the Bishop with vigor and pep.                       
                                                            
12725 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1048



The emperor sat in his palace                               
Complacently fondling his phallus.                          
When he spied the fat ass                                   
Of the bishop at mass,                                      
He buggered him twice with his chalice.                     
                                                            
12726 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0943



You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,                   
Well, here's the new story concerning 'im:                  
He buggers the choir                                        
Singing "Ave Maria,"                                        
And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.              
                                                            
12727 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Jim Weaver Collection    



By the Thames lay the Bishop of Twickenham;                 
He was straddling a lad and was sticking him.               
But the main thing concering him                            
Was the Bishop of Birmingham,                               
Who talked only of pussies and licking 'em.                 
                                                            
12728 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1105



A bishop named Flynn from Glister,                          
Was caught in bed screwing a sister.                        
The faithful were shocked...                                
Now, defrocked and deflocked,                               
Flynn carries the title of Mister.                          
                                                            
12729 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Jane D. Hughes      P9101



The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham,                         
He buggered three maid while confirming 'em.                
As they knelt seeking God,                                  
He excited his rod,                                         
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.                      
                                                            
12730 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED                              



The fearless old Bishop of Brest,                           
Put his faith in the Lord to the test.                      
He fucked whores in the apse                                
With chancres and claps,                                    
But first they were sprinkled and blessed.                  
                                                            
12731 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin       G1093



The Bishop of Truro, in mitre,                              
And robes went, (he told to this writer,)                   
As day was a-dimmin',                                       
To find fallen women...                                     
His purse ended 30 pounds lighter.                          
                                                            
12732 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



To the church went the Bishop of Thrace                     
Where he knelt at the altar with Grace.                     
But Miss Grace, who was smart,                              
Stood with feet spread apart,                               
For like Frenchmen, he fucked with his face.                
                                                            
12733 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1100



The artful old priest of North Junction                     
Corrected the bishop's dysfunction.                         
Now it's nuns on the grass                                  
And old priests up the ass,                                 
And he fucks without fear or compunction.                   
                                                            
12734 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0985



A simple young lady named Post                              
Liked Bishop O'Malley the most.                             
When he plunged in his knob,                                
She felt such a throb,                                      
That she swore she was fucked by the Ghost.                 
                                                            
12735 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1072



The night Bishop Brown came to call,                        
Ms. Grace seduced him in the hall.                          
And while he was strumming,                                 
He heard footsteps coming.                                  
The result? From Grace he did fall.                         
                                                            
12736 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Jane D. Hughes      P9101



The dirty old Bishop of Reading,                            
Oft dreamt of young boys he'd be bedding.                   
But now he's been jailed.                                   
He'll soon be impaled,                                      
As perverts his cheeks will be spreading.                   
                                                            
12737 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young Bishop of Brest,                          
Who openly practiced incest.                                
"My sisters and nieces                                      
Are all dandy pieces,                                       
And they don't cost a cent," he confessed.                  
                                                            
12738 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED                         L0537



As head of the African missions,                            
He overcame all inhibitions.                                
And in forty positions                                      
Had forty emissions,                                        
Thus fulfilling his lifetime ambitions.                     
(must have been a bishop)                                   
12739 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Laurence Perrine    P9101



The bishop who came from Berlin                             
Had a cock that was longer than sin.                        
When he fucked his nun, Grace,                              
It came out through her face                                
And it splattered all over his chin.                        
                                                            
12740 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0973



All was seen by a nun from the choir,                       
And it filled her with lust and desire,                     
So her habit she lifted-                                    
But the Bishop, well-gifted,                                
Took one look and he pulled on his wire.                    
                                                            
12741 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0978



By a miracle, the Bishop of Bray                            
Gave birth to a young boy one day.                          
He said to the lad,                                         
"I'm your Mom, not your Dad.                                
Your father's a priest in Cape May."                        
                                                            
12742 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Theo Heller         P9312



A Bishop in Rome named Puccini                              
Has fathered one hundred bambini.                           
He says, "Nookie sizes                                      
Are often surprises,                                        
But they all give a thrill to my weenie."                   
                                                            
12743 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED                         G1151



The bishop was asked why he tripped                         
With a nun to the depths of the crypt.                      
He replied, "They collapse,                                 
If they're fucked in the apse,                              
And when fucked in the nave, some have flipped."            
                                                            
12744 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1102



A horny old bishop named Schleft                            
Plunged his prick in a worn-out nun's cleft,                
But her cunt was so spacious                                
That he said, "Goodness gracious!                           
For a moment I thought you had left."                       
                                                            
12745 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1084



A young bishop who tended his flock,                        
Entered Abbey and gave her a shock.                         
He said, "This is fun!",                                    
'Cause I often get nun;                                     
This is better than pulling your cock."                     
                                                            
12746 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED                              



The Bishop, both wicked and unsavory,                       
Confronted the synod with bravery.                          
He cried, "It was they!                                     
I tried to say 'Nay'!                                       
But the owlets seduced me with knavery!"                    
                                                            
12747 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Tutta Gioia              



The Bishop dispensed with propriety,                        
A lady of evening society.                                  
At night sans his collar,                                   
Paid many a dollar                                          
For sex in most every variety!                              
                                                            
12748 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Jane D. Hughes      P9101



There was a young girl of Verdun                            
Who studied to be a good nun.                               
It's a matter of history                                    
That she fucked the consistory,                             
And by bishops, the Pope was outdone.                       
                                                            
12749 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1109



By the bishop the lady was floored                          
And her faith in the Lord was restored.                     
Into heaven they went                                       
As the two of them spent;                                   
A few moments of joy with the Lord.                         
                                                            
12750 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1020



There was an old bishop of Franktum                         
Who checked all the nuns and he ranked 'em                  
As to depth of the twat,                                    
Whether cold or how hot,                                    
And the way that they fucked in his sanctum.                
                                                            
12751 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1024



The stuffy old Bishop of Galt, he                           
Was licking a nun that was faulty.                          
He said, "Bless my soul!                                    
So deep is this hole,                                       
I find that the water is salty."                            
                                                            
12752 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1027



A lady of North Chesapeake                                  
Advice from the bishop did seek.                            
But he said her pudenda                                     
Was not on the agenda,                                      
So he scheduled her Thursday next week.                     
                                                            
12753 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0995



There once was a Bishop of Bude,                            
Who every so often got screwed.                             
He might have atoned,                                       
If he'd only got stoned,                                    
But a Rev getting screwed, well, that's lewd.               
                                                            
12754 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED                              



The fearless old Bishop of Brest                            
Put his faith in the Lord to the test.                      
In the apse he fucked whores                                
Who had chancres and sores,                                 
But first they were sprinkled and blessed.                  
                                                            
12755 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0991



Mopping up semen with a wafer,                              
The Bishop tried to placate her.                            
"Not yet, if you please,"                                   
She said on her knees,                                      
"The second coming, I prefer."                              
                                                            
12756 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     William Taylor           



There was an old bishop named Dunn                          
Who screwed an old lady for fun.                            
Then he wrote her a letter;                                 
Said her daughter was better;                               
And her mother was second to nun.                           
                                                            
12757 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1007



The capable Bishop of Royster                               
Was fucking a nun in the cloister.                          
But he soon did lament                                      
And he left her, unspent,                                   
For he felt that she could have been moister.               
                                                            
12758 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1080



When the mistress of Father McGee                           
Was preempted by His Excellency,                            
Father said, "Not to whine,                                 
But you took what was mine!"                                
And the bishop said, "R.H.I.P."                             
(rank hath its priviledge)                                  
12759 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     William N Nesbit    P0110



Her priest had explained 'extreme unction'                  
As requiring their sexual conjunction.                      
He had started her shriving                                 
When the Bishop, arriving,                                  
Said, "Lad, you're usurping my function!"                   
                                                            
12760 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Jemstone            P0109



Mopping up the come with a wafer,                           
The Bishop tried to placate her.                            
Not yet if you please,                                      
She said on her knees,                                      
The second coming I prefer.                                 
                                                            
12761 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED                              



Her face flushing hotter and rosier,                        
Young Debbie said, "Can we get cosier,                      
Dear Bishop of York;                                        
'Cause I'd sure like a pork                                 
From your hugely magnificent crozier."                      
                                                            
12762 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



The Bishop of Bath and of Wells,                            
Used to suffer from frenetic spells.                        
And the only quick cure                                     
Of which he was sure,                                       
Was to fondle his monks in their cells.                     
                                                            
12763 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES                               



The Bishop of Bath and of Wells,                            
Was wholly unconscious of smells.                           
Throughout the whole diocese,                               
No whiff was as high as his.                                
The odor of sanctity tells.                                 
                                                            
12764 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES                               



Clerical persons who seek                                   
Odd objects in ads every week,                              
Might like to choose                                        
From a shipment of pews,                                    
All new, all made out of teak.                              
                                                            
12765 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      George Peabody      P0304



The Vicar, St Norman's Manse, Sir:                          
To dignify you with an answer,                              
It behooves me to note                                      
Your original quote                                         
Was flawed.  I remain, Yours, A Fan, sir.                   
                                                            
12766 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      George Peabody      P0304



And just by way of postscript,                              
Might I say that I find you loose-lipped!                   
If you don't want my pews,                                  
You don't have to choose.                                   
Go lock thyself off in the crypt.                           
                                                            
12767 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      George Peabody      P0304



As an antidote to the March gales,                          
Old Tiddy here once more regales,                           
From a book of folk lore,                                   
From 1944,                                                  
One of the many folk tales.                                 
                                                            
12768 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



It was a diocesan meeting,                                  
In the time well before central heating.                    
All the clergy were there,                                  
And they each grabbed a chair,                              
'Round the fire they arranged this seating.                 
                                                            
12769 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



The bishop, alas, was still missing.                        
Outside, the rain down was pissing.                         
Said one rev to another:                                    
"I wonder, my brother,                                      
Which choirboy now he's a-kissing."                         
                                                            
12770 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



There next came a ring at the bell;                         
The bishop came in, and said "Well,                         
While you've been perspir-                                  
ing in front of the fire,                                   
I've been on a trip down to hell."                          
                                                            
12771 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



"And before that you all start to snicker,                  
Apart from the free flow of liquor,                         
Which you do not get here,                                  
'Twas similar, I fear.                                      
Couldn't get near the fire for vicars."                     
                                                            
12772 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Into Hell the devil goes.                                   
Inside the cathedral close,                                 
He reclaimed his gaiters                                    
From the choirboy satyrs;                                   
Then the Bishop arose.                                      
                                                            
12773 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Jim Jambor          P9101



The bishop was forthright and frank.                        
Never from evil he shrank.                                  
Our voices we raise,                                        
Exalt him in praise.                                        
Why is it the bishop we spank?                              
                                                            
12774 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Jim Jambor          P9101



The bishop's high hormone titre                             
Made needful doses of nitre.                                
Now his life is neat,                                       
His conduct discrete                                        
With only a rare one-nighter.                               
                                                            
12775 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Jim Jambor          P9101



The wages of sin were paid                                  
When the bishop ate the Apple and Played.                   
He strayed in the mews.                                     
He strayed in the pews.                                     
And thus he caught gaiter-aid.                              
                                                            
12776 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Jim Jambor          P9101



It commenced with St. Peter, we see,                        
The Apostolic Papacy.                                       
St. Peter, No!                                              
Saltpetre, Yo!                                              
The bishops need NaNO3.                                     
                                                            
12777 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Jim Jambor          P9101



Know that the bishop is sleek,                              
And in all maneuvers, oblique.                              
The pawns he will hassle,                                   
Assault queens and castle,                                  
And across the board, dressed, he can streak.               
                                                            
12778 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Jim Jambor          P9101



I heard the sexton's blarney.                               
It seems he was having a barney.                            
But the dawn's early light                                  
Showed the bishop's upright.                                
'La Risurrezione della Carne!'                              
                                                            
12779 CLERGY - BISHOPS - SERIES      Jim Jambor          P9101



Twelve Cardinals went off to Rome,                          
But Number Thirteen stayed at home.                         
He'd rather his bone                                        
Was in kids near at home,                                   
Then hunt for them over the foam.                           
                                                            
12780 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Tiddy Ogg                



Cody's mistress took steps we should mention                
To dispose of the bone of contention.                       
She explained in defense,                                   
"Cody's holdings immense,                                   
Means the Bishopric needs my attention."                    
(Cardinal Cody diverted church funds to mistress Feb 1982)  
12781 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Al Chaplin          P9101



Said the cardinal, under persuasion,                        
"I resent this unfounded invasion.                          
A mere shepherd--I keep                                     
A close eye on God's sheep,                                 
Though I may fuck a lamb on occasion."                      
                                                            
12782 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Al Chaplin          P9101



The priest, a cocksucker named Sheen,                       
Is delighted his sins aren't seen.                          
"Though God sees through walls,"                            
Says Monsignor, "-- Oh! Balls!                              
This God stuff is simply a screen."                         
                                                            
12783 CLERGY - CARDINALS                                 L0547



A cardinal living in Rome,                                  
Had a renaissance bath in his home.                         
He could gaze at the nudes,                                 
As he worked up his moods,                                  
In emulsions of semen and foam.                             
                                                            
12784 CLERGY - CARDINALS                                 L1330



The world, no doubt, finds it dismaying                     
That cardinals dismiss what Pope's saying.                  
Ignoring his dictums                                        
To protect young victims,                                   
The priests will continue their preying!                    
                                                            
12785 CLERGY - CARDINALS                                      



When the conclave was over, one soul                        
Asked two cardinals how, with that roll,                    
The deadlock was broken.                                    
"Once the rivals had spoken,"                               
They answered, "We just took a Pole."                       
                                                            
12786 CLERGY - CARDINALS             A. N. Wilkins       P8908



I don't want to sound onery and snippy,                     
But John Paul has gone strange and dippy.                   
He's named old George Pell                                  
A new Cardinal,                                             
In line to be made the Pope Skippy.                         
                                                            
12787 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Archie                   



The pious old Cardinal Rory                                 
Seduced an old prostitute hoary                             
And devoid of all wit.                                      
But he had to admit                                         
She was good as the Pope in his glory.                      
                                                            
12788 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1078



The bishops were tighter than sin,                          
So Cardinal Horstof Berlin                                  
Kept a jar 'neath his frock,                                
With some grease for his cock                               
And a shoe horn to ease himself in.                         
                                                            
12789 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1087



"Hey!  Bring me a stretcher;  It's Juan.                    
He's been thrashed to a pulp by a nun."                     
Well I'm Cardinal Maim;                                     
Inquisition's my game,                                      
And have I got some stretchers, my son."                    
                                                            
12790 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter                    



It's Hellfire and Brimstone for you!"                       
Thundered Cardinal Reginald Hugh.                           
"Ohmygod, how d'ya guess?"                                  
Said the Pope in distress.                                  
"Well there's jizm all over your shoe."                     
                                                            
12791 CLERGY - CARDINALS                                      



Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior,                       
"Your singing is quite inferior!"                           
She, not to be crass,                                       
Did show some real class                                    
Said, "You can kiss my posterior!"                          
                                                            
12792 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Duncan Cline             



Says the Reverend Cardinal Law:                             
"I forgive child molesters their flaw,                      
If their clerics of mine.                                   
And I will not resign.                                      
I sinned not; I just hid what I saw."                       
                                                            
12793 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



His Holiness Cardinal Ted                                   
Likes his altarboys naked, it's said.                       
In liturgical masses,                                       
He'd fondle their asses                                     
And give them communion head.                               
                                                            
12794 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



His Holiness Cardinal Ted,                                  
After mass for young Lily, it's said,                       
Took a shovel and spade 'n                                  
Dug up the fair maiden                                      
And screwed her to heaven instead.                          
                                                            
12795 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



"I'm coming," cried Cardinal Joe.                           
"Oh, Jesus!" said chambermaid Flo;                          
"But can't you withdraw                                     
And spill seed on the floor?"                               
"No, I can't; that's a sin, don't you know."                
                                                            
12796 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



Says Cardinal Roger Mahoney:                                
"This coverup charge is baloney.                            
The scandal's so shocking,                                  
I'm all for defrocking,                                     
Unless the accused is my crony."                            
                                                            
12797 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Archie                   



Consider the purpose of skin ...                            
It not only keeps everything in                             
But without it we might                                     
Become water-logged, right?                                 
And too soggy for cardinal sin.                             
                                                            
12798 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



That lim I just wrote about skin ...                        
Well I've just had an email come in                         
From the Sisters of Hope,                                   
Who've now worn out the Pope,                               
And would love to meet Cardinal Sin.                        
                                                            
12799 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



An email again about skin;                                  
But this time from Cardinal Sin.                            
He says he can't cope                                       
With those Sisters of Hope,                                 
Without copious measures of gin.                            
                                                            
12800 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



I've emailed poor Cardinal Sin                              
With an offer of gallons of gin;                            
For those Sisters of Hope                                   
Are so eager to grope                                       
Him and really can't wait to begin.                         
                                                            
12801 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



A desperate email from Sin                                  
Who appears to have drunk all the gin,                      
And has taken to dope;                                      
Says the Sisters of Hope                                    
Have just told him to bare it and grin.                     
                                                            
12802 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



Oh woe is poor Cardinal Sin,                                
For he'll age 60 years and grow thin,                       
As those Sisters of Hope                                    
Pull his bell-rope and grope                                
Him or sit on his knob-end and spin.                        
                                                            
12803 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



No trace now of Cardinal Sin,                               
Save a lingering whiff of old gin                           
(Or quite possibly dope).                                   
And a Sister of Hope                                        
Of whom all that is left is her grin.                       
                                                            
12804 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



The warning is clear in this verse, see?                    
The Sisters of Hope have no mercy.                          
They're viciously rough                                     
And they can't get enough;                                  
So watch out if you value your percy.                       
                                                            
12805 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Peter Wilkins            



For Spellman they've gathered in throngs;                   
He's gone to the place he belongs.                          
If we scale all the heights,                                
We can't hold enough rites                                  
To atone for his dastardly wrongs.                          
                                                            
12806 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1098



The eminent Cardinal Royster                                
Seduced an old nun in the cloister.                         
He said, `'Lord bless my soul,                              
I have struck a dry hole;                                   
Why, the assholes of popes are much moister.                
                                                            
12807 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1079



There once was a bishop named Klee                          
Who prayed that a cardinal he'd be.                         
His prayers coming true,                                    
To Italy he flew                                            
And shat upon the Holy See.                                 
                                                            
12808 CLERGY - CARDINALS             Irving Superior     P9101



So you know that: When life seems to pour                   
On your head, a whole truckload manure,                     
So your struggle to breathe                                 
But the blows you receive                                   
Seem to hard for to bear and endure...                      
                                                            
12809 CLERGY - CHOIR                                          



When you go to your choir audition,                         
Sing the songs in your bestest rendition:                   
You're now facing subtraction                               
If high notes your voice cracks on --                       
Which is why it is called an a[u]ddition!                   
                                                            
12810 CLERGY - CHOIR                                          



The Lutheran Church Choir in Grantham                       
Will be selling our National Anthem;                        
If the notes are too high                                   
For the hearers to buy,                                     
The choir's been advised to 'descant' them.                 
                                                            
12811 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Travis Brasell           



Young choir boys were one of the whims                      
Of a gay choir master named Simms,                          
And being a sissy,                                          
His habits were prissy,                                     
So his organ he'd clean between hims.                       
                                                            
12812 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Bob Giandomenico    P9111



There was a concupiscent Chorister,                         
Who one day deflowered a florist.  Ere                      
Away he could walk,                                         
She snipped off his stalk --                                
And thenceforth he came to abhor Ester.                     
(concupiscent - lustful, Ester = florist?? must have been)  
12813 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Harold C. Bibby          



Ah yes, I remember the choir,                               
That sang 'neath the old church's spire,                    
And Reverend Kebble's                                       
Strange love of boy trebles...                              
I think that he's lost in Hell's fire.                      
                                                            
12814 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Tiddy Ogg                



The head of the choir, Henry Mace,                          
Who'd in a glorious bass,                                   
Preferred a girl soprano,                                   
Behind the piano,                                           
Suggesting she sit on his face.                             
                                                            
12815 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Tiddy Ogg                



I, too, recall one solo singer,                             
whose voice on those high notes would linger,               
As long as she stood                                        
In front of Joe Hood                                        
Who under her robe thrust his finger.                       
                                                            
12816 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Travis Brasell           



And then there was contralto Lucy,                          
Who loved it when Joe gave her goosey.                      
She'd stand there and squirm                                
Like a wriggley worm,                                       
While he diddled her quim, nice and juicy.                  
                                                            
12817 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Jeanie                   



A friar with carnal desire                                  
Would seek out young lads in the choir.                     
While they busied with Bach                                 
He would fondle each smock;                                 
Now, wherever there's smock there is friar.                 
                                                            
12818 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Albin Chaplin            



In the midst of an anthem of grace,                         
The choirmaster slipped from his place,                     
To goose the soprano,                                       
In a lingering manner,                                      
And returned with a smile on his face.                      
                                                            
12819 CLERGY - CHOIR                                     G1113



Music purists say, "We won't recant.                        
Many say that we should but we shan't.                      
For us, the single theme                                    
Which is solely pristine,                                   
Is the devilish Gregorian chant.                            
                                                            
12820 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



There was a young girl in the choir,                        
Whose voice rose higher and higher,                         
Till it reached such a height,                              
It was clear out of sight,                                  
And they found it next day in the spire.                    
                                                            
12821 CLERGY - CHOIR                                          



Once I heard of some lovely choirboys;                      
Their reverend had 'em as pretty toys.                      
And during a song                                           
He grabbed for his dong;                                    
Especially he liked the voice of Roy's.                     
                                                            
12822 CLERGY - CHOIR                                          



There once was a lady called Anna,                          
In the choir she sang the soprana:                          
The choirmaster said,                                       
As she stood on her head,                                   
"Hosanna, you show your hose, Anna."                        
                                                            
12823 CLERGY - CHOIR                 L Williams               



A lusty young man of Savannah                               
Who wondered how he could please Anna,                      
Was inspired by the choir                                   
With hot fires of desire,                                   
When they chanted, "Hosanna! Hosanna!"                      
                                                            
12824 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Grand Prix Lim  495 P8208



Father Doyle, he loves a fresh choirboy;                    
As virgins they tend to be less coy...                      
But once he had one,                                        
He said, "I have done...                                    
An unexplored bum brings me more joy."                      
                                                            
12825 CLERGY - CHOIR                 TuttaGioia               



As a Prelate, each of my days long                          
Was spent preaching against sin and wrong.                  
Evening times I'd inspire                                   
Our somewhat off-key choir,                                 
But could not cure their un-Evensong.                       
                                                            
12826 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0011



There was a young lady named Anna,                          
Who sang in the choir, high soprano.                        
Once she slipped - going out,                               
Which made gentlemen shout,                                 
"We have heard, and now see your Hosannah."                 
                                                            
12827 CLERGY - CHOIR                                     P8208



There once was a wicked old squire,                         
Who burned with libidinous fire.                            
After screwing a nun,                                       
And the minister's son,                                     
He took on the girls in the choir.                          
                                                            
12828 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Isaac Asimov             



A lissome young miss named McGuire                          
Went to bed with a hot Navy flyer.                          
But his Immelmann turns                                     
Gave her nasty bed-burns                                    
(Now she sings in the Methodist choir).                     
                                                            
12829 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Norm Storer              



A tweedy chap named Henry Bottom                            
Leads the Boy's Choir of old St. Totham.                    
His composers preferred                                     
Are Victoria and Byrd,                                      
And he favors the pleasures of Sodom.                       
                                                            
12830 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Joel Cohen               



A luckless church tenor was Horace,                         
Whose skin was so terribly porous,                          
Sometimes in the choir                                      
He'd start to perspire,                                     
And nearly drown out the whole chorus.                      
                                                            
12831 CLERGY - CHOIR                                          



I come to the garden alone                                  
When I hanker to nibble the bone;                           
But our pastor won't screw,                                 
So I have to do                                             
With our church-choir's head baritone.                      
                                                            
12832 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Robin K. Willoughby P8706



Retirement's pleasant in Sequim;                            
If your wife has lost most of her vim.                      
To curb your desire,                                        
You join the church choir,                                  
Where you can trade her for a hymn.                         
                                                            
12833 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Ed Potts            P8710



There was a young choirboy named Gene,                      
Whose sex life was somewhat unclean.                        
He received Extreme Unction                                 
Through anal conjunction--                                  
Gave his asshole an unwonted sheen!                         
                                                            
12834 CLERGY - CHOIR                                     G1110



There was a teenager named Pryor,                           
Who felt her insides were on fire.                          
"I don't mind," she exclaimed,                              
"This feeling inflamed,                                     
But who'll fuck me here in the choir?"                      
                                                            
12835 CLERGY - CHOIR                 Grand Prix Lim  946 G1150



An elderly dean at Sweet Briar                              
Tried to stuffen his penis with wire.                       
It worked till it rusted,                                   
Then twisted and busted,                                    
And skewered the Directress of Choir.                       
                                                            
12836 CLERGY - CHOIR                                     G2056



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
With a toy blow-up woman was seen.                          
He grabbed for her G-spot,                                  
Heard noise like a teapot,                                  
Now he knows what Ascension Day means!                      
                                                            
12837 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Ate plutonium instead of baked beans.                       
One day as Mass started,                                    
An A-bomb he farted,                                        
That's why the old bell tower leans!                        
                                                            
12838 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



The swaggering hips of a jade,                              
Raised the cock of a clerical blade.                        
Hell-bent for his fun,                                      
He went home on the run,                                    
And diddled his grandmother's maid.                         
                                                            
12839 CLERGY - CLERICS                                   L1280



The alphabet soup made by Pease                             
Was flavored with spices and cheese.                        
It was served by liturgy                                    
To old men of the clergy,                                   
But he took out the C U N T's.                              
                                                            
12840 CLERGY - CLERICS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2223



A pious old poet and scholar,                               
On Sabbath, wears a clerical collar.                        
Each Sunday he prays                                        
For a sinner to raise                                       
Up from sin, self-absorption, and squalor!                  
                                                            
12841 CLERGY - CLERICS               Sylvie                   



There was a young lady named Mame,                          
Whose cunt was so big, 'twas a shame.                       
She was fucked by a cleric                                  
With a cock like a derrick,                                 
But between them, a falling out came.                       
                                                            
12842 CLERGY - CLERICS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0530



A certain young cleric of Berwick                           
Showed a relish for things esoteric;                        
For instance, his itch                                      
To be whacked by some bitch                                 
With a hazelwood switch,                                    
Was thought to be odd in a cleric, by the people of Berwick.
12843 CLERGY - CLERICS               Jim Weaver Collection    



"Sell your body? That's sin! You repent!"                   
Pled the cleric, but she only went                          
Off with much laughter.                                     
And she told me after,                                      
"Not for sale, but only for rent!"                          
                                                            
12844 CLERGY - CLERICS               Aaron Bell          P9412



The clergyman longed for a trick.                           
Singleness had made him sick.                               
So he censed and incensed,                                  
He lowered his (pence sign) p                               
And proceeded to f (pound sign) his dick.                   
                                                            
12845 CLERGY - CLERICS               Jim Jambor          P9009



A quishy-kirk queer named Maguire,                          
Hung a sign out, "Asshole for Hire.                         
You can buy by the piece,                                   
Or a quarterly lease.                                       
For clerical rates, please enquire."                        
                                                            
12846 CLERGY - CLERICS                                   G1008



An eclectic young cleric named Casey,                       
Favors underthings pink, silk, and lacy.                    
Though his vows are quite strict,                           
They don't seem to conflict                                 
With his sex life, both DC and AC.                          
                                                            
12847 CLERGY - CLERICS                                   G1095



A clerical student name Pryne,                              
Through pain, sought to reach the divine.                   
He wore a hair shirt,                                       
Quite often ate dirt,                                       
And bathed every Friday in brine.                           
                                                            
12848 CLERGY - CLERICS               Edward Gorey             



An erudite cleric named Eric                                
Gave sermons so deeply generic,                             
That listeners snored                                       
Because they were bored                                     
By wordiness too esoteric.                                  
                                                            
12849 CLERGY - CLERICS               R. J. Winkler       P8503



There was a young fellow named Sturgis,                     
Who needed a lass for his urges.                            
But how could he buy,                                       
With the price bid sky-high,                                
By the men of the various clergies.                         
                                                            
12850 CLERGY - CLERICS               Isaac Asimov             



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Was frequented by rich libertines,                          
Who feared scandal released,                                
If absolved by a priest                                     
Who could see through confessional screens!                 
                                                            
12851 CLERGY - CLERICS               Prof M-G                 



A nearsighted cleric from Queens,                           
Conducted a mass in his jeans.                              
When the Bishop found out,                                  
He was soon heard to shout,                                 
"This priest must have defective genes."                    
                                                            
12852 CLERGY - CLERICS               Popsicle           TP9806



A nearsighted cleric from Queens,                           
Who frequented bars and latrines,                           
Employed his white surplice                                 
For an unnatural purpose,                                   
Entertaining a squad of marines!                            
                                                            
12853 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



A nearsighted cleric from Queens,                           
Saw Clinton in a black limousine.                           
"Oh God! protect her!                                       
It's Hannibal Lecter!                                       
And he's eating her liver and spleen!"                      
                                                            
12854 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



A careful seducer named Kleist,                             
Afraid he might have to get spliced,                        
To dodge moral payment                                      
Downed clerical raiment,                                    
And gave up his life to J. Christ.                          
                                                            
12855 CLERGY - CLERICS               Armand E Singer      374A



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Cribbed his sermons from old magazines,                     
Hid behind focal length                                     
Where he read but a tenth                                   
Of the words, so he ad-libbed the scenes!                   
                                                            
12856 CLERGY - CLERICS               Prof M-G                 



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Has to shit, so he hits the latrines.                       
"Dear father," he thinks,                                   
As he squats on the sink,                                   
"These pots are so small, it's obscene!"                    
                                                            
12857 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



A Cleric who lived near Cremorne,                           
Looked down on all women with scorn;                        
Even a fat boy's white bum                                  
Could not make him come;                                    
Only Mel gave the Father a horn.                            
                                                            
12858 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Mounted a young girl in her teens.                          
As he said in confession,                                   
"It's a Hanson obsession,                                   
And I couldn't tell sex in those jeans!"                    
                                                            
12859 CLERGY - CLERICS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was an ex-soldier named Eric,                    
Who signed up to become a cleric.                           
But he quit the next day                                    
Cause he hated the pay,                                     
And he'd rather be back in his barracks                     
                                                            
12860 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



A near-sighted cleric from Queens                           
Confiscated souls' lewd magazines,                          
Over which later he poured,                                 
'Til a bolt from the Lord                                   
Smashed his specs into small smithereens.                   
                                                            
12861 CLERGY - CLERICS               Peter Wilkins            



There was a young cleric named Eric                         
Who had a good life as a cleric.                            
So much vittles he ate                                      
That he gained too much weight,                             
And they put him to bed with a derrick.                     
                                                            
12862 CLERGY - CLERICS               Albin Chaplin            



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Had a weakness for underage teens....                       
His plea of bad vision,                                     
Brought jury derision,                                      
Now he's dining on prison cuisines.                         
                                                            
12863 CLERGY - CLERICS               OgniGioia                



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Peered out at the neighborhood scenes.                      
He put on his glasses                                       
To check out the lasses;                                    
Said "I'll have the one in blue jeans!"                     
                                                            
12864 CLERGY - CLERICS               Marty              TP9807



A near-sighted cleric from Queens,                          
His tastes a bit more than his means,                       
Dined at Cirque on the fish.                                
Now he has just one wish:                                   
There's an end to the dishes he cleans.                     
                                                            
12865 CLERGY - CLERICS               Ystap                    



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Mistook "Whorehouse" for "Warehouse" in Keynes.             
There he met, from Ethiopia,                                
A Bishop with myopia,                                       
And four astigmatic old Deans.!                             
                                                            
12866 CLERGY - CLERICS                                        



There once was a curate named Swope                         
Who wanted to bugger the Pope --                            
To destroy the division                                     
'Twixt his lust and religion                                
And, on the side, get an archbishop's cope.                 
                                                            
12867 CLERGY - CURATES               Jim Weaver Collection    



A curate, who cured in Kilcane,                             
Said, "Bishop, why do you complain?                         
If a deaconess begs                                         
With wide-open legs,                                        
How can a kind curate refrain?"                             
                                                            
12868 CLERGY - CURATES               Harold C Bibby           



A modern young curate named Hyde,                           
Will be pleased if the bishops decide,                      
That to govern a see,                                       
One must hold a degree                                      
In Evil, both pure and applied.                             
                                                            
12869 CLERGY - CURATES               D. W. Pain               



There was a young curate of Twickingham                     
Whose pants had a wonderful prick in 'em.                   
He thought it great guns                                    
To disrobe all the nuns,                                    
And this marvelous object to stick in 'em.                  
                                                            
12870 CLERGY - CURATES                                   G1169



A cute Curate who lived in Dundalk,                         
Proclaimed he could fly like a hawk.                        
Cheered by thousands of people,                             
He leapt from the steeple,                                  
But the splash-down proved just talk.                       
                                                            
12871 CLERGY - CURATES                                        



There was a Perpetual Curate,                               
Whose language was hypersulfurate;                          
While, as for his thinking,                                 
It was not merely stinking,                                 
But perfectly foul and suppurate.                           
                                                            
12872 CLERGY - CURATES               Harold C Bibby           



There was a young curate name LLoyd,                        
Who was seldom, if ever, annoyed.                           
Although you might poke him,                                
You could not provoke him,                                  
His 'sang' was so terribly 'froid'.                         
                                                            
12873 CLERGY - CURATES               Duncan McGregor          



There was a young Curate of Kidminster,                     
Who severely chided a spinster.                             
For she used, on the ice,                                   
Words not at all nice                                       
When he inadvertently slid against 'er.                     
                                                            
12874 CLERGY - CURATES               Langford Reed            



There was a young curate of Westminster                     
Who severely once did a spinster.                           
As his pious genuflection                                   
Transformed to erection,                                    
When he advertently slid against her.                       
                                                            
12875 CLERGY - CURATES               Arthur Deex              



There was a young curate whose brain,                       
Was deranged from the use of cocaine.                       
He lured a small child                                      
To a copse dark and wild,                                   
Where he beat it to death with his cane.                    
                                                            
12876 CLERGY - CURATES               Edward Gorey             



There was a young Curate of Buckingham,                     
Who was blamed by the girls for not fucking 'em.            
He said, "Though my cock                                    
Is as hard as a rock,                                       
Your cunts are too slack.  Put a tuck in 'em."              
                                                            
12877 CLERGY - CURATES               Norman Douglas      L0538



A radical curate from Brent,                                
Who gave up entirely for Lent;                              
Simply lay in the aisle                                     
With a beautific smile,                                     
And dreamed of the Duchess of Kent.                         
                                                            
12878 CLERGY - CURATES               Bill Wall                



There was a young Curate of Sarum,                          
Whose manners were harem-scarem.                            
He wandered round Hants,                                    
Without any pants,                                          
Till the Vicar compelled him to wear'em.                    
                                                            
12879 CLERGY - CURATES               Anon (Bibby)             



There was a young curate of Hants,                          
Who suddenly took off his pants.                            
When asked why he did,                                      
He replied, "To get rid                                     
Of this terrible army of ants."                             
                                                            
12880 CLERGY - CURATES               E. V. Knox               



There once was a Curate of Kew,                             
Who preached with his vestments askew.                      
A lady called Morgan,                                       
Caught sight of his organ,                                  
And promptly passed out in the pew.                         
                                                            
12881 CLERGY - CURATES                                   G1123



A cleric once heard with dismay,                            
That each week he worked only one day.                      
He said, with a sigh,                                       
"I cannot think why                                         
I'm so busy on days when I play."                           
                                                            
12882 CLERGY - CURATES               Joan Dare                



There was a young fellow named Sistall,                     
Who shot three old-maids with a pistol.                     
When 'twas known what he'd done,                            
He was given a gun                                          
By the unmarried curates of Bristol.                        
                                                            
12883 CLERGY - CURATES                                        



An eccentric young curate named Flicker                     
Once had an affair with the Vicar.                          
He frigged him, butt fucked him,                            
Shit buggered and sucked him --                             
'Twas under the influence of liquor.                        
                                                            
12884 CLERGY - CURATES                                   G1109



There was a young lady from Brest,                          
Whom the Curate once put to the test,                       
By letting her see,                                         
How bleak sin could be,                                     
But she wasn't the least bit impressed.                     
                                                            
12885 CLERGY - CURATES               John Ciardi              



A young curate, just new to the cloth,                      
At sex was surely no sloth.                                 
He preached masturbation,                                   
To his whole congregation,                                  
And was washed down the aisle in the froth.                 
                                                            
12886 CLERGY - CURATES                                   L0541



A celebate curate named Way                                 
Fell from grace in the vestry one day.                      
It had come to this pass:                                   
He'd a lack and a lass...                                   
And Way-laid her and paid her, they say.                    
                                                            
12887 CLERGY - CURATES               James Wade          P8303



Said the vererable Dean of St. Paul's,                      
"Concerning them cracks in the walls,                       
Do you think it would do,                                   
If we filled them with glue?"                               
And the Bishop of Lincoln said, "Balls!"                    
                                                            
12888 CLERGY - DEANS                 Norman Douglas      L1530



Have you heard of the Dean at St. Paul's                    
Who has no hair on his balls?                               
When asked why this is,                                     
He whispers, in bliss:                                      
"The rector, my God, how he mauls!"                         
                                                            
12889 CLERGY - DEANS                                     G1157



Then our dean took a pious young spinster,                  
On his cultural tour of York Minster.                       
What they did in the clerestory,                            
Is rather a queer story,                                    
But none of us hold it against 'er.                         
                                                            
12890 CLERGY - DEANS                 Victor Gray              



There was a young girl of Kentucky                          
Who said to her man, "You are lucky;                        
I've been out on a binge                                    
With the Dean of St. Inge,                                  
And I'm still full of pep and feel fucky."                  
                                                            
12891 CLERGY - DEANS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1047



A dean who was rather a prude,                              
Thus addressed a sunbather at Bude.                         
"Excuse me, but Miss,                                       
So much epidermis                                           
Makes me think that the cloth should intrude."              
                                                            
12892 CLERGY - DEANS                                          



The Dean undressed, with heaving breast,                    
The bishop's wife to lie on.                                
He thought it lewd to do it nude,                           
So he kept his old school tie on.                           
                                                            
                                                            
12893 CLERGY - DEANS                                          



A rural Dean, riding by Rake,                               
Met a maid by the side of the lake;                         
He said, "Let us praise                                     
The Lord and His ways--                                     
And then of our pleasure partake."                          
                                                            
12894 CLERGY - DEANS                 Harold C Bibby           



There was a disgusting old Dean                             
Who explored every crude magazine                           
From cover to cover--                                       
Agog to discover                                            
The mean or unclean or obscene.                             
                                                            
12895 CLERGY - DEANS                 Harold C Bibby           



I once had the wife of a Dean,                              
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.                  
She remarked with some gaiety,                              
"Not bad for the laity,                                     
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."                   
                                                            
12896 CLERGY - DEANS                                     G0542



The unfortunate Dean of South Harts,                        
Was caught importuning some tarts.                          
His good wife was shocked                                   
When the Dean was unfrocked:                                
It's the first time she saw all his parts.                  
                                                            
12897 CLERGY - DEANS                                          



A girl named Veronica Hubble,                               
Who is socially nothing but rubble,                         
Has tickled the balls                                       
Of the Dean of St. Paul's,                                  
In civvies, and looking for trouble.                        
                                                            
12898 CLERGY - DEANS                 Gents Alphabet Book P9606



Since women are used to allay Man,                          
To comfort but mostly to lay Man,                           
Evangelists must                                            
Control overt lust                                          
Or downgrade themselves to layman.                          
                                                            
12899 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Irving Superior     P8706



From the back of a tent in a field                          
Where a cobbler evangelist peeled                           
At the soles of lost shoes,                                 
You could hear the "good news" --                           
"In the name of sweet Jesus, be heeled!"                    
                                                            
12900 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           H Whelchel               



Once, Billy Graham, sin attacker,                           
Was vilified by a detractor,                                
Who asked with horrid pun                                   
(And Billy had not gun)                                     
"Was Billy Graham born a Cracker?"                          
                                                            
12901 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Irving Superior     P8706



As Graham for God madly dashes,                             
His mind is disturbed by strange flashes.                   
He believes, when he dies,                                  
Like the Phoenix he'll rise,                                
But his asshole will rise from the ashes.                   
                                                            
12902 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1000



For Graham the populace grieves,                            
And their bosom collectively heaves.                        
For the way people live --                                  
It is blessed to give --                                    
But poor Graham, he only receives.                          
                                                            
12903 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1034



Now Billy Graham strikes a crass chord                      
When speaking to Reagan and Ford.                           
He says, "Lookie here                                       
What I earned last year,                                    
By dropping the name of the Lord."                          
                                                            
12904 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Mark Levy           P9507



Evangalist Duffy McGuire                                    
Preached Hell and Brimstone and Fire.                       
And when all the folks went                                 
To the back of the tent,                                    
He boffed all the girls in the choir.                       
                                                            
12905 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Ogden Nield              



An evangelist called Carrie Nation,                         
Chopped up bars all across our young nation.                
When her axe made a pass,                                   
Barkeeps fell on their ass!                                 
In those days she was called a sensation!                   
                                                            
12906 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Dom                 P8706



An evangelist nowadays thrives                              
By living a couple of lives.                                
He plays now and then                                       
The saint with the men,                                     
And the devil sometimes with their wives.                   
                                                            
12907 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           A. N. Wilkins       P8706



Dr. Luke had a good deal to lose --                         
A large practice treating rich Hews.                        
Unlike your hysteric                                        
Electronic cleric,                                          
Gave up wealth to peddle good news.                         
(This Luke was a buddy of Paul)                             
12908 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           A. N. Wilkins       P8706



When I asked for a license to air                           
My electric church gospel, I swear                          
They said, "Sure, Pastor Willy,                             
Your speech is hillbilly,                                   
And you have evangelical hair."                             
                                                            
12909 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9406



The evangelist often behaved                                
With boys and girls as if depraved.                         
But sex anal and oral,                                      
He claimed was quite moral,                                 
Because he was already saved.                               
                                                            
12910 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           A. N. Wilkins       P8706



Now what can a person expect                                
From people who think they're select.                       
And who spend their time drumming                           
Jesus Christ's second coming,                               
When the first one, you'll find, is suspect.                
                                                            
12911 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1014



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw                             
Put on a Revival in Omaha;                                  
Peyote-sourced preaching                                    
Got the crowd screeching;                                   
Their pockets were picked by my grampa!                     
                                                            
12912 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS                                    



An evangelist, Reverend Deex,                               
Preached hell-fire and damnation at Peaks.                  
He said, "This racket pays,                                 
And a lot of good lays,                                     
But each place is just good for two weeks."                 
                                                            
12913 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Dom                 P8706



The evangelist prays to the nation                          
And the faithful send cash in elation.                      
Jesus enters their brains                                   
And they get for their pains                                
Some cerebral orgasmic vibration.                           
                                                            
12914 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Albin Chaplin       P9009



The TV crusaders are men                                    
Who preach to us be born again.                             
But the secret of birth,                                    
For whatever it's worth,                                    
Is somewone get's fucked now and then.                      
                                                            
12915 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Jay Marshall        P8706



A TV evangelist named Blount                                
Said, "My preaching is all paramount.                       
And my revelations                                          
Are sexual relations,                                       
So I write each sermon on the mount."                       
                                                            
12916 CLERGY - EVANGELISTS           Tom Patton          P9902



There was a fat fraudulent Friar,                           
Begged alms to rebuild a church spire;                      
But they found he had fled,                                 
Having sold all the lead                                    
To a shady itinerant buyer.                                 
                                                            
12917 CLERGY - FRIARS                Harold C. Bibby          



There was a young friar name Borrow,                        
Who eloped with two nuns to his sorrow.                     
They lived on an isthmus,                                   
And one he called Christmas,                                
And the other he cristened Tomorrow.                        
(Christmas is coming, Tomorrow never comes)                 
12918 CLERGY - FRIARS                                    G1092



In the village the maids did conspire                       
With a monk who aroused their desire;                       
To send signals of smoke                                    
When they needed a poke --                                  
Now wherever there's smoke, there is friar.                 
                                                            
12919 CLERGY - FRIARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2953



A squalid old whore name of Funks                           
Would fuck only junkies and drunks.                         
Her daughter prodigious,                                    
Profoundly religious,                                       
Consorted with friars and monks.                            
                                                            
12920 CLERGY - FRIARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1520



There sat a disconsolate friar;                             
His balls were inflamed with desire.                        
For his cock was his pride                                  
And would not be denied,                                    
So he brought up some lads from the choir.                  
                                                            
12921 CLERGY - FRIARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1026



The Friar, the man who does scoff                           
Is often a man of the cloth.                                
But this is so his toys                                     
He can use on young boys;                                   
With a woman he just can't get it off.                      
                                                            
12922 CLERGY - FRIARS                                         



Being celibate's caused Fr. Howe                            
To thus reinterpret his vow.                                
In July he repects                                          
All the rules about sex,                                    
But the rest of the year--Holy Cow!                         
                                                            
12923 CLERGY - FRIARS                Lucas Hulp          P9402



Cop O'Brian asked, "Where is the fire?"                     
Of a priest in a Ford with crossed wire.                    
"This column of smoke                                       
Sure isn't a joke,"                                         
Said the friar who's now in a fryer.                        
                                                            
12924 CLERGY - FRIARS                Tom Patton          P9607



A contrite acolyte of Friar Ansel                           
Said, "Last night by mischance in the chancel,              
Lured by carnal desires,                                    
I had sex with Miss Myers.                                  
These sins by confession I'll cancel."                      
                                                            
12925 CLERGY - FRIARS                                    G1085



So large was the hole of Miss Willet,                       
There was no young man who could fill it.                   
She was fucked by a friar                                   
With carnal desire,                                         
But he first stuffed her cunt with a skillet.               
                                                            
12926 CLERGY - FRIARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1114



Rock hard and apparently on fire,                           
His dick he thrust that much higher.                        
He cried "I'm coming, I am",                                
And that poor little lamb                                   
Just got blessed by the local town friar!                   
                                                            
12927 CLERGY - FRIARS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a sorry old friar                            
Who burned off his balls in a fire,                         
When the flames got away                                    
From his candles, one day;                                  
Now he sings very high in the choir.                        
                                                            
12928 CLERGY - FRIARS                Cap'n Bean               



Romeo needn't have died alone;                              
Followed by Juliet with a moan.                             
If the good Friar had                                       
With that brave star-crossed lad,                           
Stayed in closer touch via cell phone.                      
                                                            
12929 CLERGY - FRIARS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



There was a young friar named Hess                          
Who said, "I must sadly confess                             
That my virtuous life                                       
Without mistress or wife,                                   
Occasions unending distress."                               
                                                            
12930 CLERGY - FRIARS                Isaac Asimov             



There was an old duchess named Fitch                        
Consumed by a most burning itch.                            
She was had by a friar                                      
And he put out the fire.                                    
She would much rather love him than switch.                 
                                                            
12931 CLERGY - FRIARS                Albin Chaplin            



Aimee McPherson preached in L.A.                            
About all good things, so they say.                         
But her pussy, quite tan,                                   
Burned and itched for a man.                                
So Ormiston provided a lay.                                 
                                                            
12932 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Dom                 P8706



Reverend Aimee Semple MacPherson                            
(That female-evangelist person)                             
Found excuse for free sex                                   
In her scriptual text,                                      
Which she could quote chapter and verse on.                 
                                                            
12933 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Robin K. Willoughby P8707



Aimee Mc, so the story that's told,                         
Had a great yen for Ormie -- 'twas bold.                    
She said, "People don't care                                
If I have an affair."                                       
But followers put her love life on hold!                    
                                                            
12934 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Dom                 P8706



From a tent Aimie Semple did preach,                        
And the souls of poor dupes she did reach.                  
But her tent caught on fire,                                
And it burned her entire                                    
Holy Bible and heavenly speech.                             
                                                            
12935 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Al Chaplin          P0302



There once was an eloquent faker,                           
That inbred throwback, Jim Bakker.                          
He's a cocksucking faggot!                                  
And what about Swaggart!                                    
The nude hooker photograph taker.                           
                                                            
12936 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Jim Weaver Collection    



In a tent, the renowned Billy Sunday,                       
Preached evey day except Monday.                            
He said with a grin                                         
"That's the day that I sin                                  
With the chicks that I meet - it is fun day."               
                                                            
12937 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Dom                 P8706



A shill hired by faith healer Blight                        
To attend the revival each night,                           
Didn't last very long                                       
For his limp was all wrong.                                 
He'd confuse his left leg with his right.                   
                                                            
12938 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9408



God, through his pastors, can "heal",                       
The better the money to steal.                              
The victims are lured,                                      
Then told they've been cured,                               
So rejoice and buy into the spiel.                          
                                                            
12939 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A preacher on TV, Benny Hinn,                               
Healing trailer trash, takes money in.                      
He's had many a plaudit                                     
But never an audit.                                         
When I see him I shout "Oh, Huck Finn."                     
                                                            
12940 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Arthur Deex         P0202



"Send me ten," said evangelist Flynn                        
"And I'll gladly absolve you of sin."                       
Then he added, "And for                                     
Fifty dollars or more,                                      
You get blown by my lovely wife, Lynn."                     
                                                            
12941 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Michael Weinstein   P8706



"Send me cash to help cure mankind's tumor,"                
Screamed evangelist Jeremy Boomer.                          
Whereupon the poor bloke                                    
Dropped dead of a stroke.                                   
Who said God has no sense of humor?                         
                                                            
12942 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Michael Weinstein   P8706



The evangelist is the physician                             
Who ministers to your contrition,                           
And though saving your soul                                 
Is his ultimate goal,                                       
It improves his financial position.                         
                                                            
12943 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              A. N. Wilkins       P8706



There's Swaggart, and Bakker, and Falwell,                  
Who try to pretend that it's all well.                      
They're climbing so high                                    
They're reaching the sky --                                 
I sure hope they know how to fall well.                     
                                                            
12944 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Jay Marshall        P8706



Jessie Jackson, described at the least,                     
Either saint or lascivious beast,                           
Gets into a pother  (noisy disturbance)                     
When he is called Father --                                 
Can it be that he's become a priest?                        
                                                            
12945 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Arthur Deex         P0103



Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition                           
Now follows an ancient tradition.                           
When Karin came to PUSH                                     
It was up her sweet tush,                                   
And she's left in a pregnant condition.                     
                                                            
12946 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Tom Patton          P0105



Jesse said, "Here's a sermon for you-                       
Choose with caution the person you screw.                   
And when push comes to shove                                
Wear a good latex glove.                                    
And, do as I say, not as I do."                             
                                                            
12947 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              William N Nesbit    P0103



The Reverend's stock is way down;                           
His mistress the talk of the town;                          
Her inept parturition                                       
Wrecked the Rainbow Coalition --                            
Jess should have stayed home with wife Brown.               
                                                            
12948 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Armand Singer       P0104



It seems from the National Enquirer,                        
What helped Bill, Lewinsky's admirer,                       
Repent so much faster,                                      
Was Jackson as pastor...                                    
A seasoned unconjugal sirer!                                
                                                            
12949 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Anon                     



When TV evangelists pray,                                   
As they do several times every day,                         
The words of their prayer                                   
As it thrills through the air                               
Sound suspiciously like "Let us prey!"                      
                                                            
12950 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Laurence Perrine    P8706



It's well-known that some TV preachers                      
Exhibit some deceptive features;                            
They show ENORMITY                                          
And nonconformity,                                          
While claiming they're religious creatures.                 
                                                            
12951 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Observer                 



Impassioned, not witty nor funny,                           
He traps us like flies caught in honey.                     
He holds us enraptured                                      
Until he has captured                                       
Our minds and our souls and our money.                      
                                                            
12952 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Laurence Perrine    P8706



She grieved when her young son forsook                      
All learning except for one Book.                           
"Well, here's how it is, Ma,                                
With my natural charisma,                                   
I'll turn a neat prophet. Check Book!"                      
                                                            
12953 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Laurence Perrine    P8706



The leaders of churches today                               
Condemn all the lecherous and gay,                          
But when caught in the nude                                 
With some dolly they've screwed,                            
They say it's a new way to pray.                            
                                                            
12954 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Dick Buenger        P8806



"Nobody has answered the riddle,"                           
Said a college professor named Biddle,                      
"Why a preacher who's dealing                               
In simple faith healing,                                    
Would need to construct a hospital."                        
                                                            
12955 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              A. N. Wilkins       P8706



Bakker's denounced as immoral;                              
Billy Graham's a lech, Swaggert's a whore, I'll             
Concede that Van Impe's                                     
A second-rate pimp;                                         
Spurn those fuckers and stick with Oral.                    
                                                            
12956 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Robin K. Willoughby P8707



Oral Roberts had visions so slick,                          
A nine-hundred-foot Jesus came quick.                       
To Jim Bakker likewise,                                     
Came a vision surprise --                                   
There appeared a nine-hundred-foot prick.                   
                                                            
12957 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Al Chaplin          P8706



Pat Robertson's a powerful guy,                             
And recently reminded us why;                               
He alone saved Orlando                                      
From dental dam and dildo,                                  
And turned back asteroids in the sky!                       
                                                            
12958 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              RGCPJC             TP9806



A born-again preacher named Brady,                          
"Some things in religion are shady.                         
But I'll tell, what the hell,                               
The phrase PTL                                              
Stands for the words: PAY THE LADY."                        
(PTL - TV 'Praise The Lord' programs - Really)              
12959 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Jay Marshall        P8706



There once was a fellow named Dick,                         
One hell of a stupid-assed prick.                           
He sent away money,                                         
'Cause they talked milk and honey.                          
They raped his fat ass with a stick.                        
                                                            
12960 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Jim Weaver Collection    



On Sundays they capture the air                             
With sermons, collections, and prayer.                      
The commercial airlines                                     
Must change their designs                                   
To win their fair share of the fare.                        
                                                            
12961 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Laurence Perrine    P8706



The evangelists seen on TV,                                 
Who claim they're of God's ministry,                        
May cite chapter and verse,                                 
But are con men and worse,                                  
And are masters of hypocrisy.                               
                                                            
12962 CLERGY - INFAMOUS              Warrick Elrod            



When Tammy poured coal in her eye,                          
To give longer lashes a try,                                
It caused delerium,                                         
Until COLLYRIUM                                             
Washed anthracite out, by and by.                           
(Tammy Fay Bakker self caricature)                          
12963 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Chris Papa               



How I miss the Jim and Tammie Show!                         
The latter with lashes aglow,                               
Hair teased to great heights,                               
Lips like neon lights,                                      
Like high-heeled, soliciting "Ho".                          
                                                            
12964 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Chris Papa               



Jim Bakker was really a wimp,                               
Whose deacon played the role of pimp.                       
For lust on the rug,                                        
He could give Hahn a hug,                                   
But his nature, sadly, stayed limp.                         
                                                            
12965 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Jim Jambor          P9009



Jim Bakker paid Jessica money                               
For extracurricular fun. He                                 
Is living in limbo                                          
But Miss Hahn ("I'm no bimbo")                              
Is now Mr. Hefner's new bunny.                              
                                                            
12966 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Sid Rothenberg      P8805



Jessica Hahn one day dreamed                                
She was rising to heaven redeemed.                          
But Jim Bakker atop her                                     
Was able to stop her,                                       
While "Oh, God, I'm coming!" she screamed.                  
                                                            
12967 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Arthur Deex              



Against the wall did Bakker back her,                       
For well he knew how best to crack her.                     
"It's either to bed                                         
Or discharge," he said.                                     
With Catch Two Two did Bakker sack her.                     
                                                            
12968 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Irving Superior     P8706



Admittedly did Bakker Sack her                              
But HOW was the unmentioned factor.                         
We voyeurs want to know --                                  
Which way did he go?                                        
A frontal? Or did Bakker back her?                          
                                                            
12969 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Irving Superior     P8706



The evangelist Bakker admitted                              
Infidelity had been committed.                              
Saith the Lord, "A concession                               
Can be made for transgression,                              
But a blow-job will not be permitted."                      
                                                            
12970 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Al Chaplin          P8706



Reverend Bakker's astute adaptation                         
Of transsubstantiation                                      
With spiked wine, he first treats 'em,                      
Then with ritual eats 'em.                                  
A most holy divine consumation.                             
                                                            
12971 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Dick Buenger        P8706



Said evangelist fakir Jim Bakker,                           
"When I see a nice piece, I just take her.                  
While we play Humps and Hugs,                               
My wife turns to drugs.                                     
Praise the Lord that I wasn't born Quaker.                  
                                                            
12972 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Martin Wellborn     P8704



In horny old Reverend Jim Bakker's                          
Motel room he prayed to his maker.                          
An angelic creation                                         
In holy elation                                             
Appeared and then forced him to take her.                   
                                                            
12973 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Dick Buenger        P8706



He says Bakker is spelled with two K's;                     
He's eccentric in some other ways.                          
He gave Tammy the whammy,                                   
A blow job to Sammy,                                        
And now he hangs out with the gays.                         
                                                            
12974 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Jay Marshall        P8706



To Jessica, Jim said, "Perchance                            
If my trousers should drop, take a glance.                  
Here's a fine Christian prick."                             
Said the young lady chic,                                   
"I've had plenty of those in my pants."                     
                                                            
12975 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Al Chaplin          P8706



Jim Bakker and Lyndon LaRouche                              
Indulged in a game called La Touche.                        
This game is all well                                       
When played in a cell,                                      
But so public "quand joue dans la douche"!                  
                                                            
12976 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Jim Jambor          P9012



To accept it some found it quite hard.                      
Indeed, the disclosures were odd.                           
But when Reverend Jim Bakker                                
Said, "Come, meet your Maker,"                              
We now know he didn't mean God.                             
                                                            
12977 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Keith Gilman        P0110



Now there was a dazzling pair!                              
High up with the best TV fare.                              
And money they made.                                        
While prayers were parlayed,                                
To millions in loot they would share.                       
                                                            
12978 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Chris Papa               



PECKSNIFFIAN type of a creature,                            
According to my history teacher,                            
Seen without fail,                                          
On T.V., in jail,                                           
At least one evangelist preacher.                           
                                                            
12979 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER                              



Too bad he has lost his rich church,                        
His good name now just a besmirch.                          
His overmade wench,                                         
Cried at the Law's bench,                                   
Then cut loss, and left him in lurch.                       
                                                            
12980 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER                              



So for this poor "pecker" I sniff,                          
Who poor folks he sure tried to "stiff."                    
One gets in a jam                                           
For using God-scam,                                         
Like plunging right over the cliff.                         
                                                            
12981 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER                              



Pecksniffian is someone who                                 
Might take advantage of you.                                
A lady by day,                                              
She gets her own way,                                       
When evening arrives, you do too!                           
                                                            
12982 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Maggie                   



She preaches about virtue true                              
The whole time she's looking at you.                        
But you'll pay the price                                    
If you fall for this vice,                                  
Tempting fate with this sweet rendevous!                    
                                                            
12983 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER                              



Let's not forget righteous Jim Bakker;                      
As far as sex goes, he's no faker.                          
Be it a he or a she,                                        
He poked them with glee,                                    
All in the name of his Maker.                               
                                                            
12984 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Mike Perry               



"Since the PTL seems rather shady,                          
Folks have wondered," said Reverend Grady,                  
"What the three letters stand for,                          
What Jim Bakker was canned for,                             
Makes it clear that it means PAY THE LADY!"                 
                                                            
12985 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     A. N. Wilkins            



Tammi Bakker to a dreary world gave                         
Hairdo called "Tsunami Wave."                               
Tall and unbent,                                            
Great stele of cement,                                      
It didn't help Jim to behave.                               
                                                            
12986 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Chris Papa               



"Hallelujah!" Jim Bakker intoned,                           
"It seems that God's wrath's been postponed:                
I'm caught in adultry,                                      
With a gal hot and sultry,                                  
And it's Tammy my wife, who gets stoned."                   
                                                            
12987 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Arthur Deex         P8706



Jim Bakker used funds that weren't his'n,                   
For his wife and himself to BEDIZEN                         
Themselves.  Then of course                                 
His wife did divorce                                        
Him when he was sent off to prison!                         
                                                            
12988 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Observer                 



Now that's the tale in a nutshell,                          
Of going from castle to cell.                               
Some would celebrate                                        
If the very same fate                                       
Should happen to Jerry Falwell!                             
                                                            
12989 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Observer                 



Religious TUB-THUMPER, Jim Bakker,                          
Was unscrupulous profit-taker.                              
But now he's arisen                                         
From his time in prison                                     
And his former life as a faker!                             
                                                            
12990 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - BAKKER     Observer                 



By Jerry is Tinky becursed                                  
For having a cute little purse.                             
Thunders he, "Tinky's gay",                                 
But to Falwell I say,                                       
"Shove your rantings up where it smells worst."             
                                                            
12991 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL                             



Jerry Falwell slams poor tinky winky                        
"Teletubbies turn little boys kinky!                        
This thing is nefarial;                                     
Theres a three cornered aerial                              
And he's purple like my little dinky"                       
                                                            
12992 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL                             



Colors, triangles, and purses;                              
That Jerry, he knows all the curses:                        
"He isn't like me!"                                         
I guess that means we                                       
Ought to order up 6 million hearses.                        
                                                            
12993 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL                             



Once again Jerry jacks himself off;                         
When that windbag blows, I just scoff.                      
'Cause the symbol I see                                     
When he preaches to me --                                   
Ich sehe ein scheisskopf.                                   
                                                            
12994 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL                             



They say that this Falwell guy said.                        
"Wearing triangles there on your head                       
Is a sure sign you're gay;                                  
You don't screw the right way;                              
You'd bugger old Barney instead."                           
                                                            
12995 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL    Bob Birch                



"Tinky's gay!" Jerry Falwell has cried;                     
"When you're queer, it's a hard thing to hide.              
I know 'bout you fellers                                    
And your choice of colors,                                  
That's how they judge what is inside."                      
                                                            
12996 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL    Bob Birch                



The kids had seen nothing that's wrong,                     
They're just into movement and song.                        
So what's FaIwell's point,                                  
Getting bent out of joint...                                
Brains - short...Homophobia - long.                         
                                                            
12997 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL    Bob Birch                



"God stands by my side as I shout;                          
This is what my crusade is about.                           
To find cute purple critters                                
That give me the jitters;                                   
'Tis my calling makes Tubbies come out!"                    
(preacher Jerry Falwell denounes queer Teletubbies)         
12998 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL    Bob Birch                



Reverend Jerry and all of those maggots                     
Can go stuff their assholes with baguettes.                 
Do not be too sure                                          
That his own life is pure;                                  
He sure knows a lot about faggots.                          
                                                            
12999 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL                             



The fisherman blasting the fish,                            
But what is his real secret wish?                           
A man on a mission?                                         
Well I've a suspicion,                                      
If he didn't waddle, he'd swish.                            
                                                            
13000 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL                             



I don't know if Mr Tinky-Winky                              
Can engage in some acts they call kinky.                    
Because this Tele-Tubby                                     
Is so downright chubby,                                     
It makes his equipment look dinky.                          
(Jerry Falwell says Tinky-Winky is queer!)                  
13001 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - FALWELL    Frank Petersohn          



Swaggart went out of his way,                               
Insisting we all kneel and pray.                            
Though he was reborn,                                       
He got hooked on some porn.                                 
Poor Jimmy, he had feet of clay.                            
                                                            
13002 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Gifford Wherry           



Jimmy Swaggart, while driving one day                       
Through a cheap red light district to play,                 
Claimed when caught, "I was dead right                      
To stop at a red light.                                     
It's a rule that I always obey."                            
                                                            
13003 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Don Moore           P9112



He laid out the innocent facts.                             
He denied there were carnal contacts.                       
When he motel'd the hooker,                                 
Swaggart was just a looker                                  
Who did pornographic acts.                                  
                                                            
13004 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Jim Jambor          P9009



On a billboard held up for display,                         
Is a gal who will play for top pay.                         
But her client most recent                                  
(From the League of the Decent)                             
Was reluctant to go all the way.                            
(written in 1983 long before Swaggert viewed the hooker)    
13005 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Neal Wilgus         P8302



A whore by the name of Flo Taggart                          
Has a john, a pompous-assed braggart.                       
While watching TV,                                          
She was surprised to see                                    
The same guy on the tube! Jimmy Swaggart!                   
                                                            
13006 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Mr. X                    



The sculptor was ready at last                              
To make castings with sex organs vast.                      
Said Swaggart, "The Devil                                   
in this work shall not revel!"                              
And proceeded to stone the first cast.                      
                                                            
13007 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Al Chaplin          P8804



Jimmy Swaggart invented a no-tell                           
For non-laymen no matter the motel.                         
With mystical wonderment,                                   
He'd gaze at the fundament                                  
Of a whore after paying the bitch off well.                 
                                                            
13008 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Don Moore           P9009



Said Jimmy, "My story's most viable;                        
After hearing my side you are liable                        
To agree I was caught                                       
Because I wrongly thought                                   
She was prone to discuss the good Bible."                   
                                                            
13009 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Arthur Deex         P8804



Jimmy Swaggart's petite porno pigeon                        
Says the preacher asked more than a smidgen                 
Of different lewd poses,                                    
But the hooker discloses                                    
That they were not discussing religion.                     
(AP item Kansas City Star 25 Feb 1988)                      
13010 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   A. N. Wilkins       P8804



Jimmy Swaggart explained to his flock                       
Voyeuristic desires he can't block.                         
His addiction to see                                        
Sinful pornography                                          
Occurred post hoc, ergo, propter hoc.                       
                                                            
13011 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Loren Fitzhugh      P9203



Jimmy Swaggart said, "The thing to do                       
For the Missouri Synod is to                                
Will my New Testament                                       
To those who won't repent,                                  
But my porno, Deb Murphee, to you."                         
                                                            
13012 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9801



In virtue he was no braggart,                               
Nor in purity was he a laggard.                             
He was quite free of sin;                                   
His weewee never in;                                        
His name and fame: Virgin Jim Swaggart.                     
                                                            
13013 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Jim Jambor          P9010



Alone and supine on the bed,                                
"Let's talk dirty," the nude preacher said,                 
"For when I talk dirty                                      
Little Jimmy gets spurty,                                   
And my prattle turns my earlobes red."                      
                                                            
13014 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Jim Jambor          P9010



He excused himself to pee.                                  
(This was no soliloquy)                                     
Through the bathroom door                                   
He could watch the whore                                    
Enjoying him musically.                                     
                                                            
13015 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Jim Jambor          P9010



Could Solomon's wisdom and patience                         
Decide were there sexual relations,                         
Or the innocent joy                                         
Of a cleric Portnoy                                         
Gratified by Revelations?                                   
                                                            
13016 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Jim Jambor          P9010



Benedic me quia peccave,                                    
Meretrices ac visitavi;                                     
Ad opus videbam                                             
Pictas faciebam;                                            
Sed juro: Mon fornicavi.                                    
(Jimmy Swaggart's prayer)                                   
13017 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Fr. William Loring  P8804



Bless me, a sinner, I pray:                                 
From whores I could not stay away.                          
Their work I would watch,                                   
Taking pictures of crotch;                                  
But I never did screw them, I say.                          
                                                            
13018 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Fr. William Loring  P8804



An amorous M. A.                                            
Said of Cupid, the C. D.,                                   
"Sometimes for a joke                                       
He picks the wrong bloke;                                   
Jimmy Swaggart that P.T."                                   
                                                            
13019 CLERGY - INFAMOUS - SWAGGART   Arthur Deex         P9701



An infamous Methodist minister,                             
Whose sermons inclined to the sinister,                     
Was wont to abuse                                           
His poor flock in their pews,                               
Save his wife, who just laughed when he menaced her.        
                                                            
13020 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Paul M Hoffman           



A minister up in Vermont                                    
Keeps a goldfish alive in the font.                         
When he dips the babes in,                                  
It tickles their skin,                                      
Which is all that the innocents want.                       
                                                            
13021 CLERGY - MINISTERS             W S Baring-gold          



It was back in nineteen sixty four,                         
According to local folklore,                                
That the ministers met                                      
On a day cold and wet,                                      
To discuss finer points of church lore.                     
                                                            
13022 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



The flames warmed their noses and ears;                     
If they turned 'round, it heated their rears.               
But Reverend MacTavish                                      
Feared he'd be ravished,                                    
If he turned his back on the queers.                        
                                                            
13023 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



They'd be many issues that needed debate --                 
Was it sinful to just masturbate?                           
Would promiscuous sex                                       
Make their flock moral wrecks?                              
On what ground could they excommunicate?                    
                                                            
13024 CLERGY - MINISTERS             `                        



They discussed illigits and divorce,                        
And a man who had sex with his horse.                       
Reverend Jones, half asleep,                                
Said he much preferred sheep,                               
But he was a Welshman, of course.                           
                                                            
13025 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



A discussion on oral sex followed;                          
Was it better to spit or to swallow?                        
I like a boy's bum,                                         
Not the taste of his come,                                  
Said the Most Reverend Antony Rollo.                        
                                                            
13026 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



Said another, be-robed and be-sandaled,                     
"I hear the best way to handle                              
A Mother Superior,                                          
Is plug her interior                                        
With a bright lighted big altar candle.                     
                                                            
13027 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



"My Brother," said a vicar most blunt,                      
"Does it enter from back or the front?"                     
Then they joked about nuns                                  
And made terrible puns,                                     
And talked at some length about cunt.                       
                                                            
13028 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



"Is it true that Hell's full of fine whores --              
With big bouncing tits and no drawers?"                     
Said the Rev to the Bish.                                   
"Do they still smell of fish,                               
And are they still covered with sores?"                     
                                                            
13029 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



Before the bishop would give a reply,                       
He moved to the fire to dry.                                
Steam rose from his cloak,                                  
And he finally spoke --                                     
"I may tell you that, bye and bye."                         
                                                            
13030 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



Comic verse of the type that's limerical,                   
Proves to be, often times, anticlerical.                    
A saintly old minister                                      
Is depicted as sinister,                                    
And is filled with lust quite hysterical.                   
                                                            
13031 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Isaac Asimov             



A perverted missionary in China,                            
Once said, "There is nothing finer,                         
Than to sit in one's cell,                                  
And let one's mind dwell                                    
On the charms of the Virgin's vagina."                      
                                                            
13032 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                 L0560



When our deficit descended to zero,                         
Our minister was considered a hero.                         
He ascended the chancel                                     
But decided to cancel                                       
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.                             
                                                            
13033 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



The minister made his oration;                              
He preached about hell and damnation.                       
"May you sinners of shame                                   
Be devoured by flame"...                                    
He exploded in great conflagration.                         
                                                            
13034 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Tiddy Ogg                



A pious young minister's pappy,                             
Had a sex life, diverse, hot, and snappy.                   
It shocked his dear son,                                    
When he had all that fun,                                   
But it kept the parishioners happy.                         
                                                            
13035 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Isaac Asimov             



A pious young minister's sister                             
Was screwed 'til her ass had a blister.                     
It shocked her dear brother                                 
Who had been her lover,                                     
When she said "You pay for it now, Mister!"                 
                                                            
13036 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Ken                      



A pious young minister's spouse                             
Was a fabulous dancer sans blouse.                          
It shocked her dear mate                                    
To see her gyrate,                                          
But it made the parishioners carouse.                       
                                                            
13037 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Arthur Deex              



A pious young minister's mater                              
Had an orgy with any who'd date her.                        
It shocked her dear child                                   
To see her go wild,                                         
And none in the parish could sate her.                      
                                                            
13038 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Arthur Deex              



A pious young minister's daughter                           
Had a social life unlike he'd taught her.                   
It shocked her dear dad                                     
When he saw that she had                                    
Screwed the bishop who'd generously bought her.             
                                                            
13039 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Arthur Deex              



A pious young minister's lad                                
Had a leathery sex life and bad.                            
It shocked his dear sire                                    
To find he was a lier                                       
With men as the Bible forbad.                               
                                                            
13040 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Arthur Deex              



A pious young minister's niece                              
Charged the deacons ten bucks a piece.                      
It shocked her dear unc,                                    
She laughed and said "Bunk!                                 
The elders are too tough to fleece!"                        
                                                            
13041 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Ken                      



A pious young minister's dog                                
Had sex with a neighborhood hog.                            
That dreadful boner                                         
Sure shocked her owner,                                     
And left the young cleric agog!                             
                                                            
13042 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Ken                      



We thought we were going to die                             
When the minister raised his arms high,                     
The benediction to say,                                     
But it wasn't his day.                                      
He'd forgotten to zip up his fly!                           
                                                            
13043 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Richard Lancashire       



The pious young minister's creed                            
Was forever to do the good deed.                            
The ladies of lust                                          
Their souls would entrust,                                  
And with multiple thrusts, they'd be freed.                 
                                                            
13044 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



The pious young minister's attitude                         
Was a biblically celibate platitude,                        
Until he got sucked                                         
And raucously fucked,                                       
When his attitude turned into gratitude.                    
                                                            
13045 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



The pious young minister's cherry                           
Was plucked by a horny old fairy,                           
Who sucked it and pumped it                                 
And then inter-rumped it,                                   
After which he proposed that they marry.                    
                                                            
13046 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



The pious young minister's aunts                            
Had agendas they prayed to advance.                         
Though chaste and devout,                                   
They longed to come out                                     
And get in the minister's pants.                            
                                                            
13047 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



The pious young minister's credo                            
Was the same as the famed Father Guido.                     
You do what you can                                         
But you still are a man,                                    
And there's no way to ban your libido.                      
                                                            
13048 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



A minister of the Church in the Vale,                       
Was chasing a bevy of quail.                                
He slipped on a rock                                        
And damaged his cock,                                       
And from then on was not very male.                         
(quail = covies, not bevies--except San Quentin quail - McW)
13049 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                 G2061



On the hundredth Baptist conversion,                        
A preacher kept urgin' a virgin.                            
'Til she finally gave in,                                   
When he said, "It's no sin,                                 
As long as it's total immersion."                           
                                                            
13050 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



The minister up at Carsphairn                               
Has got a young woman with bairn.                           
It's a god-awful vice                                       
But it's awfully nice,                                      
And I'm sure the Almighty's no' care'n.                     
(bairn - child)                                             
13051 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



The huge price the cleric did pay;                          
The high cost of having his way;                            
An ending sinister.                                         
Was he a "lay" minister,                                    
Or did he just practice that way?                           
                                                            
13052 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Chris Papa               



The pious young minister's prick                            
Was long, very hard and quite thick.                        
A shame and a waste                                         
To render it chaste.                                        
She'd just need a taste to come quick                       
                                                            
13053 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



Once a crudish Victorian minister,                          
From the pulpit denounced sex as sinister.                  
But back in the manse,                                      
He discarded his pants,                                     
Caught the maid in a corner and menaced her.                
                                                            
13054 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Pierce Evans             



The Book of God's beneath you,                              
The Man of God's above you.                                 
Salvation pole                                              
Is in your hole--                                           
Now wiggle your ass to save your soul.                      
                                                            
13055 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                 L0573



When our deficit descended to zero,                         
Our minister was considered a hero.                         
He ascended the chancel                                     
But decided to cancel                                       
The sermon and dance a Bolero.                              
                                                            
13056 CLERGY - MINISTERS             VOL 3                    



The pious young minister's peter                            
Longed for the chance just to meet her.                     
When that dream was fulfilled,                              
All he had quickly spilled,                                 
And the minister only could eat her.                        
                                                            
13057 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



The pious young minister's demon                            
Was repressed to the point it was screamin' --              
"If you can't find a mate                                   
Or at least masturbate,                                     
You'll get gangrene from putrefied semen."                  
                                                            
13058 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



The pious young minister's flock                            
Included a handsome young jock,                             
Who the women adored,                                       
Though they all were ignored                                
'Cause he pined for the minister's cock.                    
                                                            
13059 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



"You write limericks that prove you're depraved,            
So far gone that I doubt you'll be saved."                  
The minister said,                                          
Sadly shaking his head,                                     
"Your road straight to Hell's nicely paved!"                
                                                            
13060 CLERGY - MINISTERS             John Miller 0051a        



There was a young girl from Cape Finisterre,                
Who walked out each night with the Minister.                
She said, "I aspire                                         
To a place in the choir."                                   
But some thought her motives more sinister.                 
                                                            
13061 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                      



A fellow whose job was a minister,                          
Knew a lady that was really quite sinister.                 
This sister, a spinster,                                    
Who came from Westminster,                                  
Would talk to him right through his finister.               
                                                            
13062 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Charles Knight           



The pious young minister's ass                              
Was so tight, very little would pass.                       
So when'ere nature calls,                                   
He shits little balls,                                      
With a copious volume of gas.                               
                                                            
13063 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Steve Anderson      P9911



A Sunday school student named Glass,                        
Soon rose to the head of his class.                         
He wasn't that bright,                                      
But he did sleep at night,                                  
With his prick up the minister's ass.                       
                                                            
13064 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                 L0556



Down in Berne, Minister Grew,                               
There's nothing that fellow won't screw --                  
From queens down to cooks,                                  
They're all on his books,                                   
And he dabbles in sodomy too.                               
                                                            
13065 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                 L1645



There once was a wicked young minister,                     
Whose conduct was thought to be sinister.                   
By ruses nightmarish,                                       
He seduced the whole parish,                                
Except for one squeamish old spinister.                     
                                                            
13066 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Conrad Aiken             



The sinister minister Miller,                               
Whose sermons were always a thriller,                       
Secured your attention.                                     
But, left in suspension --                                  
You would speculate who was the killer.                     
                                                            
13067 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309



"Hymnal's open," the minister quipped,                      
"That's the reason the organist slipped.                    
So I must tell you, Birch,                                  
That you sat all through church                             
With the front of your trousers unzipped!"                  
                                                            
13068 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Bob Birch           P0302



A crumbling Edwardian Manse hid                             
A crime both repugnant and rancid,                          
Involving a twat                                            
That was virgin, and what                                   
The Episcopal minister fancied.                             
                                                            
13069 CLERGY - MINISTERS                                 G2418



There is an old tart of Dundee,                             
Who'll charge an exhorbitant fee                            
For what, up in Fife,                                       
The young minister's wife                                   
Does for regular church-goers free.                         
                                                            
13070 CLERGY - MINISTERS             Peter Wilkins            



"The wages of fondling young skin,"                         
Said Jiri, the missioner Finn,                              
"Is the same for saved brothers                             
As it is for all others,                                    
So avoid aboriginal sin!"                                   
                                                            
13071 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Mark Levy           P9701



The Buddhist Monk, Lin Sing Hi Koo,                         
Went to Haiti his faith to renew.                           
He would later assert                                       
"I made half a convert                                      
Who now practices reformed Buddhoo."                        
                                                            
13072 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9701



Missionary, young Pastor McWhirter,                         
Sometimes saved souls in a blinding spurt or                
He's with reverent pride,                                   
Cleanse the unpurified,                                     
Being a catalytic converter.                                
                                                            
13073 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Loren c. Fitzhugh   P9701



An old missionary named Lee                                 
Was fucking baboons in a tree.                              
An explorer named Cy                                        
Who was passing nearby                                      
Hollered, "Throw in a few fucks for me!"                    
                                                            
13074 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-1050



"The mission," said old Father Ike,                         
"Convert even those you dislike:                            
Each trollop, each whore,                                   
Raise them up off the floor;                                
Each fag and each queer and each dike!"                     
                                                            
13075 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Mark Levy           P9701



Determined to eschew suspicion,                             
Moreover to escape perdition,                               
Said the Curate, R. Sopp.                                   
"I espouse, Man-on-top                                      
As both my and my mission's position.                       
                                                            
13076 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9701



Self-righteous biased missionary                            
Did trample others' right with nary                         
A second look                                               
Outside the Good Book,                                      
Considering 'heathen' just quarry.                          
                                                            
13077 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Daniel Ford              



"The T-shirts are here, Reverend Dunne.                     
Each native now has at least one.                           
But they have cut holes                                     
The size of soup bowls.                                     
Their tits are exposed from day one."                       
                                                            
13078 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Al Willis           P9701



The preacher's alone, with no mate,                         
So he said to his native girl, Kate:                        
"Forget what I said                                         
From the pulpit, instead,                                   
I will choose you to be my bedmate."                        
                                                            
13079 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Al Willis           P9701



When they threatened to hang Father Roth,                   
He said, "Please, I'm a man of the cloth."                  
To the natives he pled,                                     
And then the priest said,                                   
"You won't have to wear a loin cloth."                      
                                                            
13080 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Al Willis           P9701



The preacher said, "You must stop drinking,                 
And you'll have to refrain from head-shrinking.             
No more sex every day;                                      
Well, Mog, what do you say?"                                
"Just give me a minute; I'm thinking."                      
                                                            
13081 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Al Willis           P9701



The flag bearers of both France and Spain,                  
Made the native folks scream, "Not again!                   
We, being unwary,                                           
Welcomed the Missionary,                                    
Who returned guilt, oppression and pain."                   
                                                            
13082 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9701



Brother John needs to show some contrition.                 
He's been practicing native coition.                        
Such carnal desire                                          
We can scarcely admire,                                     
When he's failing to teach our position.                    
                                                            
13083 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          David Finely        P9701



Brother Brad's unconventional style                         
In converting a pagan, nubile,                              
Is to lay her supine,                                       
Mount her, chanting a line                                  
From the Gospel of Luke all the while.                      
                                                            
13084 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          William N. Nesbit   P9701



On top of Mount Everest, Fra Carey,                         
In charge of Nepal's missionary,                            
"Conversions are few.                                       
The reasons are two:                                        
The ascent and descent are scary."                          
                                                            
13085 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Irving Superior     P9701



An old missionary named Hagan                               
Once had an affair with a pagan.                            
He was forced to declare,                                   
"This unchristian affair                                    
Makes me think that my wife's been renegin'."               
                                                            
13086 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-1035



The preacher could not curb their passion.                  
He tried to withhold their food ration.                     
But the natives were human.                                 
They're like us, I'm assumin';                              
On the beach they have sex while splish-splashin'.          
                                                            
13087 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Al Willis           P9701



To Hawaii they came for a spell;                            
The Doles, of the gospel would tell.                        
Missionaries all should                                     
Ever try to do good,                                        
And in fact they all did very well.                         
                                                            
13088 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          David Finely        P9701



A queer missionary named Cavage                             
Attempted to ravage a savage.                               
But the savage was wily,                                    
He reversed himself slyly,                                  
And the savage old Cavage was ravage.                       
                                                            
13089 CLERGY - MISSIONARIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-0993



There was a young monk of Siberia,                          
Who of fucking grew weary and wearier.                      
At last, with a yell,                                       
He burst from his cell,                                     
And buggered the Father Superior.                           
(Published 1879)                                            
13090 CLERGY - MONKS                 Norman Douglas           



There was a young monk of Siberia,                          
Whose life grew drearier and drearier.                      
He did to a nun                                             
What he shouldn't have done,                                
And now she's a Mother Superior.                            
                                                            
13091 CLERGY - MONKS                 Anon                L0564



There once was a monk of Camire,                            
Who was seized with a carnal desire.                        
And the primary cause                                       
Was the abbess' drawers,                                    
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.                      
                                                            
13092 CLERGY - MONKS                                     L0552



When Chip Monks slip out of the cloister,                   
They're after some morsels much moister                     
Than nuts on the ground.                                    
With bare crotches they've found,                           
That wonderfully tender pink oyster!                        
                                                            
13093 CLERGY - MONKS                 TuttaGioia               



There waqs an ANATHEMATIZED monk,                           
Who often spilt much of his spunk                           
Within convent walls,                                       
In lonely nuns' stalls,                                     
Who wept for their ostracized hunk.                         
                                                            
13094 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



There once was a monk from Tibet,                           
Who said to a woman he met,                                 
"You may find this odd,                                     
But I'm One with God,                                       
And He wants me to fondle your set!"                        
                                                            
13095 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



Un moine au milieu de la messe                              
S'eleva et cria en detresse:                                
"La vie religieuse,                                         
C'est sale et affreuse"                                     
Et se poignarda dans les fesses.                            
                                                            
13096 CLERGY - MONKS                 Edward Gorey             



A monk in the middle of mass                                
Stood up and cried in distress;                             
"The religious life                                         
Is dirty and horrid,"                                       
And stabbed himself in the ass.                             
                                                            
13097 CLERGY - MONKS                 Edward Gorey        P8708



A bawdy monk would rave and rant;                           
When soused, an alarming BACCHANT;                          
Then nuns he would chase                                    
To a secluded place                                         
And bad habits try to implant.                              
                                                            
13098 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



Brother Dennis the short, did decree                        
Listing years as B.C. and A.D.                              
But this Christian most brief                               
Erred in his belief                                         
For Jesus was born 6 B.C.                                   
                                                            
13099 CLERGY - MONKS                 Sumaq                    



"You will, your career JEOPARDIZE,                          
If you keep caressingg nun's thighs,"                       
Said the irate abbot,                                       
About Mad Monks habit,                                      
Which had bit of his habit rise.                            
                                                            
13100 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



There was a young monk of St. Cyrus                         
Who often had feelings desirous;                            
He lifted the habit                                         
Of Francis the Abbot,                                       
And caught the most terrible virus.                         
                                                            
13101 CLERGY - MONKS                 Peter Wilkins            



A contemplative life is a monk's;                           
He's alone every night as he bunks.                         
But consoled by the thought                                 
He's not the least distraught,                              
By performance-anxiety flunks.                              
                                                            
13102 CLERGY - MONKS                 Prof M-G                 



Dumb Dan joined the Monks of late.                          
Found he couldn't remain celibate.                          
He said, "I regret                                          
I can't get sex yet.                                        
I sure they said, 'We celebrate.'."                         
                                                            
13103 CLERGY - MONKS                 Tom Patton               



The laurel wreath of hair-ringed CHAPLET,                   
Precarious Capuchin's caplet,                               
Could fall during fun                                       
With that nimble nun,                                       
And be a merkin in her laplet.                              
                                                            
13104 CLERGY - MONKS                 Daniel Ford              



Mad Monk wore a chaplet of hair,                            
But most of the nuns didn't care.                           
They smiled, for they knew                                  
That when they got through,                                 
They'd find some to stoke, quite elsewhere.                 
                                                            
13105 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



The monks of St. Wickid the Radish                          
Are caring towards Sisters who're wetish.                   
They consider it rude                                       
If they are not chewed,                                     
But I wouldn't call that a fetish.                          
                                                            
13106 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



A horny young monk of Citeau,                               
Used to cool his hot rod in the snow.                       
But no matter how frigid,                                   
The thing remained rigid,                                   
Popping off when it got two below.                          
                                                            
13107 CLERGY - MONKS                                     G0441



A monk humping a nun from the back,                         
Missed the orifice known as the crack.                      
He cried out in chagrin                                     
As the Bishop walked in,                                    
"Oh my Lord, won't you cut me some slack?"                  
                                                            
13108 CLERGY - MONKS                 Al Chaplin          P0011



A monk fucking a nun from the front,                        
Missed the orifice known as the cunt.                       
Said the Bishop severe,                                     
"What is going on here?"                                    
"Oh my Lord, please forgive me this stunt"                  
                                                            
13109 CLERGY - MONKS                 Phil Cannibal       P0011



Ignatius, a monk from a monkery,                            
Whom women considered dead hunkery,                         
Believed only nuns                                          
Should bear daughters and sons,                             
So donated his spunk to a spunkery.                         
                                                            
13110 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



There was a most maudlin old Monk,                          
Who was always incessantly drunk;                           
Each day he would hide a                                    
Full flagon of cider                                        
Or firkin of ale in his bunk.                               
                                                            
13111 CLERGY - MONKS                 Harold C Bibby           



He's a monk and a man of compunction;                       
He's a big man and proud of his function.                   
He loves saying Graces,                                     
Puts wafers in faces,                                       
And gives all the girls extreme unction.                    
                                                            
13112 CLERGY - MONKS                 Lucy Wainwright          



A monk from Tibet named Yutrace                             
Would bugger at a furious pace.                             
More on boats and on trains,                                
He yearned for astral planes                                
Saying, "Sound just like my kind of place!"                 
                                                            
13113 CLERGY - MONKS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I must, though it's somewhat unnerving,                     
Reveal a new fact without swerving:                         
The monk from Siberia's                                     
Stuck it up three superiors --                              
First father, then mother, now Irving.                      
(Irving Superior is a prolific limerick writer)             
13114 CLERGY - MONKS                 Ed Potts            P8507



There once was a monk from Podunk,                          
Whose body was that of a hunk.                              
The nuns all went woozy                                     
When he stepped in the Jacuzzi.                             
For the monk had forgotten his trunks.                      
                                                            
13115 CLERGY - MONKS                 Justice                  



In Kansas there lived a young monk,                         
Who often was in a blue funk.                               
For his come always froze                                   
On his sisters' appendthick hose,                           
And they never would part with a chunk.                     
                                                            
13116 CLERGY - MONKS                                     L0557



This monk swore off screwing, except                        
For a pet mallard drake that he kept.                       
With his ducky, he'd play.                                  
(The duck, it was gay.)                                     
He became a fowl fucking adept.                             
                                                            
13117 CLERGY - MONKS                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In the abbey, a monk name of Fred                           
Every day would take nuns to his bed.                       
But the nuns did relent                                     
On the advent of Lent,                                      
So he cornholed the bishop instead.                         
                                                            
13118 CLERGY - MONKS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1025



A GREGARIOUS monk now rejects                               
The notion of social defects.                               
His morals are good                                         
But misunderstood,                                          
'Cause all that he thinks of is sects.                      
                                                            
13119 CLERGY - MONKS                 Observer                 



There once was a monk of Gibralter,                         
Who buggered a nun on the altar.                            
"Good God!" said the nun,                                   
"Now look what you've done:                                 
You've gummed up the leaves of the Psalter."                
                                                            
13120 CLERGY - MONKS                                     G1111



After serious ethical training                              
In celibacy and abstaining,                                 
A monk has confessed                                        
That he passed the last test                                
Not by virtue, but mainly by feigning.                      
                                                            
13121 CLERGY - MONKS                 Norm Storer         P9709



A monk of St. Benoit du lac                                 
Whose libido was way out of whack.                          
Once, molesting a nun,                                      
He had scarcely begun,                                      
When he found he'd forgotten the knack.                     
                                                            
13122 CLERGY - MONKS                 Keith MacMillan       46c



There once was a monk from North Cabot,                     
Who suffered reproach from his Abbot.                       
He thought it was fun                                       
To get dressed as a nun,                                    
But his boss made the monk kick the habit.                  
                                                            
13123 CLERGY - MONKS                 Irish                    



There was a young monk from Dundee,                         
Who hung a nun's cunt on a tree.                            
He grabbed her fair ass,                                    
And performed a high mass                                   
That even the Pope came to see.                             
                                                            
13124 CLERGY - MONKS                                     L0544



In the far off land of Tibet,                               
Lives a monk with one major regret;                         
'Twas a might with Ming Ho                                  
That has haunted him so                                     
With a feeling he'll never forget.                          
                                                            
13125 CLERGY - MONKS                 Bob Birch           P9804



He's doomed, damned for sure down to Hades                  
'Cause he found in the last church parade, he's             
Been forced to grab it                                      
Inside of his habit,                                        
When spying the thighs of young ladies.                     
                                                            
13126 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



And his tonsured provider of spunk,                         
Drained the blood from his head and his trunk,              
And when fully erect                                        
He could not genuflect,                                     
Which is really bad news for a monk.                        
                                                            
13127 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



There once was a monk in the choir                          
Whose libido had been set afire                             
And the cause was the teeny                                 
Reverend Mother's bikini                                    
Spread out on the washer and dryer.                         
                                                            
13128 CLERGY - MONKS                 Arthur Deex         P9011



Said two monks in Bangkok: Let us play,                     
With a hat to conceal my toupee.                            
While in bars I carouse,                                    
Who can know I took vows?                                   
Now two jailbirds are heard: Let us pray!                   
                                                            
13129 CLERGY - MONKS                 Prof M-G                 



"There are times," sighed a monk, "when you feel you'd      
Just like to unloosen and be lewd                           
And wink at a maid.                                         
But that, I'm afraid,                                       
Would be, saints preserve us, but prelude.                  
                                                            
13130 CLERGY - MONKS                 Isaac Asimov             



That merry old monk that we've done,                        
Encountered FORTUITOUS fun;                                 
While strolling through glade,                              
Connection he made                                          
With preying lascivious nun.                                
                                                            
13131 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



The religious who saved fair Thais                          
Thought she'd be a sensual piece.                           
He saved her pure soul;                                     
Could not savor her whole.                                  
In dying he sought sweet release.                           
                                                            
13132 CLERGY - MONKS                 Jim Jambor          P9009



Observed an old monk, Brother Giles,                        
About all those feminine wiles,                             
"In the name of Lord Jesus,                                 
May the devil not seize us,                                 
But thoughts of nude sex gives me smiles."                  
                                                            
13133 CLERGY - MONKS                 Armand E Singer       715



The monk at the calendar glances,                           
Then he picks out a nun and he prances;                     
With his head bowed in prayer                               
To a niche in his lair,                                     
And in his retreat makes advances.                          
                                                            
13134 CLERGY - MONKS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1031



They've arrested a monk at St. Mallory's                    
For molesting the nuns in the gallerys.                     
"Just doing God's labor                                     
By loving my neighbor --                                    
Nunnilingus is only twelve calories."                       
                                                            
13135 CLERGY - MONKS                 Martin Wellborn     P8309



There once was a monk in a cassock,                         
Who prayed every night at a hassock;                        
While beating his ass,                                      
He would say Holy Mass                                      
For the spirit of von Sacher-Massock.                       
                                                            
13136 CLERGY - MONKS                 Norm Storer              



This rhyme was not meant to be smutty,                      
Nor was it meant to be rutty.                               
A monk who was passive                                      
Had balls that were massive.                                
The least you could say, "He was nutty."                    
                                                            
13137 CLERGY - MONKS                 Al Willis          TP9802



A lonely young monk with a QUIRK,                           
Labored real hard at his work.                              
But when he was done,                                       
Enjoyed solo fun;                                           
A pleasure for bachelor jerk.                               
                                                            
13138 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



A handsome young monk in a wood,                            
Told a girl, she should cling to the good.                  
She obeyed him, and gladly.                                 
He repulsed her, but sadly.                                 
"My dear, you have misunderstood."                          
                                                            
13139 CLERGY - MONKS                 Anon                L0571



Be kind when you write about monks;                         
They socialize not with the punks,                          
Nor females instead.                                        
They'd rather be dead                                       
Than have other folks in their bunks.                       
                                                            
13140 CLERGY - MONKS                 Observer                 



A maddening monk made a pass,                               
At a pretty young, acolyte lass.                            
This moral descent                                          
Led to more time spent                                      
Sinking toward a sinful MORASS.                             
                                                            
13141 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



Pious monks who live in their cloisters                     
Should avoid a diet of oysters.                             
Such food can inspire                                       
Illicit desire                                              
In cocks, and the brothers might hoist theirs.              
                                                            
13142 CLERGY - MONKS                 Thomas G. Keller    P9504



Since about monks' loose morals you rave,                   
All sense of propriety waive.                               
I'm feeling bereft,                                         
Since there's little left,                                  
'Cept "Old Hermit who lives in a cave."                     
                                                            
13143 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



An old Turkish monk, a DERVISH,                             
Had a poor diet that was scurvish.                          
Young accolytes trim                                        
Who dined with him                                          
Held their "Baby Ruths" in reservish.                       
                                                            
13144 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



A monk thought a young nun, VINCIBLE,                       
Might fall for an old line, winceable,                      
But found after all,                                        
That his wrought tale tall                                  
Budged her not from virtuous principle.                     
                                                            
13145 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



A licentious monk, HETERODOX,                               
Who liked to play games "with some box,"                    
Indiscriminate,                                             
His urgings would sate                                      
And now he's afflicted with pox.                            
                                                            
13146 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



There was an old monk named O'Hunt                          
Who showed a young nun a new stunt.                         
On the banks of the Shannon                                 
He attacked with his cannon,                                
But she withstood the brunt with her cunt.                  
                                                            
13147 CLERGY - MONKS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1064



An impotent monk from Cheyenne                              
Achieved levitation through Zen;                            
And with prospects of fun,                                  
A delighted old nun                                         
Was encouraged to whisper, "Amen!"                          
                                                            
13148 CLERGY - MONKS                 Hugh Oliver         A126A



In your verses monks seem so often                          
To find young nuns and go boffin'.                          
I cannot imagine                                            
Forgiveness you'll cadge in                                 
That great abbey beyond your coffin.                        
                                                            
13149 CLERGY - MONKS                 Daniel Ford              



I'm tired of monks on the loose                             
With propensities to give a goose                           
To an innocent nun,                                         
Who thinks it's no fun                                      
To find a frier in her caboose.                             
                                                            
13150 CLERGY - MONKS                 Norm                     



Though many friends cherished his words,                    
St. Francis offended the nerds,                             
And from such human chaff                                   
Came one epitaph:                                           
"His discourses were for the birds."                        
                                                            
13151 CLERGY - MONKS                 A N Wilkins         P8702



Though he might not know where or when,                     
He'd get this particular YEN.                               
Our monk, without frock,                                    
Tried out brothel's stock,                                  
As he peeled back his cowl now and then.                    
                                                            
13152 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



Excuses spilled out CAVALCADE,                              
When Mad Monk had pinched a young maid.                     
He said that he just                                        
Had spotted some dust                                       
That onto shapely buttocks had strayed.                     
                                                            
13153 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



A medieval monk named Sissions                              
Was alarmed by his nightly emissions.                       
His cell-mate, a sod,                                       
Said, "Leave it to God."                                    
And taught him some nifty positions.                        
                                                            
13154 CLERGY - MONKS                                     L0566



The monks in St. Anthony's cloisters                        
Make do with a pumpkin as moist as                          
A virginal twat                                             
For relief on the spot,                                     
While the Abbot gets two dozen oysters.                     
                                                            
13155 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



There once were some lecherous quidnunces,                  
Who peeked in the room of five thin monks;                  
In the corners sat four,                                    
In the center, one more --                                  
In vulgar display of their quincunx. (spots on the #5 die)  
(quidnunc - inquisitive idiot about small things)           
13156 CLERGY - MONKS                 Ed Potts            P8801



Inverting his latent perversions,                           
The Mad Monk, he shouted aspersions;                        
He cried, "I'm Rasputin,                                    
And I love rootin'-tootin'                                  
With nuns, 'spite their animadvertions!"                    
(animadvertion - critcism, censure)                         
13157 CLERGY - MONKS                 Buckaroo                 



There are some women that monks know,                       
Who, while they may rock to and fro,                        
And think it is fun,                                        
When they are all done,                                     
They re-don their habits and go.                            
                                                            
13158 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



There was a young brother monastic,                         
Whose penis was somewhat elastic.                           
When it uncoiled,                                           
With a snap it recoiled,                                    
Disturbing his studies scholastic.                          
                                                            
13159 CLERGY - MONKS                 Peter Wilkins      TP9804



The behind on this nun is prodigious.                       
One might even say steatopygious."                          
So sayeth the monk                                          
As into her he sunk,                                        
Never thinking it might be SACRELIGIOUS                     
                                                            
13160 CLERGY - MONKS                 Norm Brust               



A religious old monk of Bombay                              
Would sacrifice a Spam during May,                          
As a purgative rite,                                        
To give demons a fright,                                    
And keep the mosquitos away.                                
                                                            
13161 CLERGY - MONKS                 Mike O'Conner            



I'm doubtful that self-flagellation                         
Is practiced to curb masturbation                           
By monks in their cells,                                    
For I think they ring bells                                 
To hide noises of self-stimulation.                         
                                                            
13162 CLERGY - MONKS                 Peter Wilkins            



I'll tell how my genitals shrunk:                           
It began when I fondled a monk                              
Who swore he was pure --                                    
Which was pure horse manure --                              
One dunk, that skunk's spunk left me punk.                  
                                                            
13163 CLERGY - MONKS                 Robin K. Willoughby P8512



Last Sunday, Ignatius the monk                              
Persuaded a nun to his bunk;                                
But he failed to deliver                                    
So much as a shiver,                                        
For sadly his willy had shrunk.                             
                                                            
13164 CLERGY - MONKS                 Peter Wilkins            



And thusly frustrated, she pursed                           
Her lips for a second, then burst                           
Out laughing, "Good gracious;                               
Your willy, Ignatius,                                       
Is more like a pea than a wurst."                           
                                                            
13165 CLERGY - MONKS                 Peter Wilkins            



There once was a Dominican monk                             
Who was shut up so long that he stunk.                      
And that wasn't all,                                        
(If i rightly recall)                                       
There was something about him that shrunk.                  
                                                            
13166 CLERGY - MONKS                                     G1135



Trappist Monks used to be STOIC,                            
Quiet life caused some to get sick.                         
But Vatican II                                              
Freed them from old view.                                   
Speaking was found to turn the trick.                       
                                                            
13167 CLERGY - MONKS                 Larry                    



A randy young monk got so fiery,                            
He scandalized the whole priory.                            
In the midst of the Mass                                    
He stroked a nun's ass,                                     
And missed the Sanctus entirely.                            
(A holy holey wholly miss)                                  
13168 CLERGY - MONKS                 Stu Lucas           P9603



Old Joseph, the filthiest monk,                             
Rarely bothered to wash, so he stunk                        
Of the stink deleterious                                    
Of Mother Superior's                                        
Ass hole and ten-day old spunk.                             
                                                            
13169 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



A monk in his desert retreat                                
Has learned how to cope with the heat:                      
It won't break the rule,                                    
And it helps him stay cool.                                 
So he let's the sun beat on his meat.                       
                                                            
13170 CLERGY - MONKS                 Norm Storer         P9806



The monks at the Mozambique mission,                        
Give midnight-hued maidens tuition,                         
For God and his ways.                                       
But later, at day's                                         
End, girlies teach them 'bout coition.                      
                                                            
13171 CLERGY - MONKS                                          



Sensing teaching jobs were out of reach,                    
Hoping to be a Novice, Sam Geech,                           
Remarked, "I'm far from sunk.                               
I'll be a Trappist Monk,                                    
Since I'm unsure of the parts of speech."                   
                                                            
13172 CLERGY - MONKS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



There once was a monk of LaTrappe                           
With the strength that no harlot could sap.                 
In the midst of a stand,                                    
With a wave of his hand,                                    
He could turn the thing off, like a tap.                    
                                                            
13173 CLERGY - MONKS                                     G0637



There was an old monk from Kilcrea,                         
Who of fasting grew tired every day.                        
Till at length with a yell,                                 
He burst from his cell.                                     
"From now on I'm going to be gay."                          
                                                            
13174 CLERGY - MONKS                 Linda Marsh Coll         



That MYOPIC mad monk used to say,                           
An ugly nun might make his day.                             
He never saw much                                           
But knew where to touch                                     
When habit was upped in foreplay.                           
                                                            
13175 CLERGY - MONKS                 Chris Papa               



A young girl named Desiree                                  
Was sexually led far astray                                 
By a certain old monk,                                      
So full of spunk,                                           
He pretty near blew her away!                               
That her eyes turned from brown to light grey.              
13176 CLERGY - MONKS                 Roy Herselman            



That the blast killed a crow and a jay!                     
That she drowned in that stuff where she lay.               
It washed her right off of the quay.                        
That she gagged and had nothing to say.                     
That she's still wearing Depends today.                     
That the shot was heard far from the fray.                  
13177 CLERGY - MONKS                 John Miller              



The young Irish monk was a Celt,                            
And was asked to describe what he felt                      
Upon seeing a whore                                         
Sans the clothes she oft wore:                              
He said "She reminds me of milk."                           
                                                            
13178 CLERGY - MONKS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A monk, both moronic and manic                              
Suffered flatulent fits in his panic.                       
He could not control                                        
His posterior hole,                                         
The emissions of which were volcanic.                       
                                                            
13179 CLERGY - MONKS                 Beelzebub          TP9802



In a cave, an old monk of Dahomey                           
Once said to his abbot, "Now show me,                       
Just why I am here,                                         
Isolated, austere --                                        
Why not home with some young maid to blow me.               
                                                            
13180 CLERGY - MONKS                 Isaac Asimov             



There once was an Anglican parson                           
Who decided that he'd commit arson.                         
So he burned down his church,                               
Left his flock in the lurch,                                
While he left with his blonde babe named Carson.            
                                                            
13181 CLERGY - PARSONS               Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0402



There once was in the night an old parson,                  
Waking up, his eyes did on flames fasten.                   
Burning walls on him fell.                                  
He cried out, "This is Hell!"                               
He was lucky.  It was only arson.                           
                                                            
13182 CLERGY - PARSONS               Rolf Loschner       P0208



Said a parson, addressing his flock,                        
So-called progress is in for a shock.                       
We've intuitive proofs                                      
Of a Devil with hoofs,                                      
Which will put back the clock before Locke.                 
                                                            
13183 CLERGY - PARSONS               W. J. Strachan           



In Southern Kentucky Parson Gelt                            
Preaches sermons everybody felt.                            
You can tell at a glance                                    
What holds up his pants:                                    
It's the famous, well known Bible Belt.                     
                                                            
13184 CLERGY - PARSONS               Tom Patton          P0206



There was an old parson of Lundy,                           
Fell asleep in the vestry on Sunday.                        
He awoke with a scream,                                     
"What!  Another wet dream?                                  
That comes of not fucking since Monday."                    
(Published 1879)                                            
13185 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   L1293



An eminent preacher named Nixon,                            
Used to fart as he said benediction.                        
The shy flock would smile                                   
As they trooped down the aisle,                             
"The arse on our parson needs fixin'."                      
                                                            
13186 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   L0727



There was a young lady named Carson                         
Who wiggled her ass near the parson.                        
Her performance extraneous                                  
Caused combustion spontaneous,                              
So the parson charged Carson with arson. (arsin'?)          
                                                            
13187 CLERGY - PARSONS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1983



A parson who lived near Cremorne,                           
Looked down on all women with scorn.                        
Even a boy's white, fat bum                                 
Could not make him come,                                    
But an old man's piles gave him the horn.                   
                                                            
13188 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   L0462



There was a straight parson named Bings                     
Who talked about God and such things.                       
But his secret desire                                       
Was to join a mixed choir,                                  
With nice ladies with whom he'd have flings.                
                                                            
13189 CLERGY - PARSONS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A parson with interests PUERILE,                            
Would greet ladies with a big smile.                        
As each lass he blessed,                                    
In his mind undressed,                                      
Enjoying his thoughts all the while.                        
                                                            
13190 CLERGY - PARSONS               Chris Papa               



There was a gay parson of Norton                            
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.               
To make up for this loss,                                   
He had balls like a horse,                                  
And never spent less that a quartern.                       
                                                            
13191 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   L0205



There once was a parson of Pinner,                          
A real disgusting old sinner;                               
He would fuck little boys                                   
And play with their toys,                                   
And suck them all off before dinner.                        
                                                            
13192 CLERGY - PARSONS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young laundress of Lamas,                       
Who invented high amorous dramas,                           
From the spots she espied,                                  
Dried and hardened inside                                   
The pants of the parson's pajamas.                          
                                                            
13193 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   L1461



A hot little twat name of Carson                            
Was fondling the knob of the parson.                        
Soon he burned with desire                                  
But her cunt quenched the fire                              
Before he could charge her with arson.                      
                                                            
13194 CLERGY - PARSONS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1982



A young parson professing in Vynn,                          
Said he thought fornication was sin.                        
But a girl said, "You fool!"--                              
Went and whipped out his tool,                              
Pulled her drawers off and shove his thing in.              
                                                            
13195 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   G2544



An unfortunate parson named Birch                           
Had a penchant for farting in church.                       
This caused not a few                                       
Who sat in his pew                                          
To go elsewhere in spiritual search.                        
                                                            
13196 CLERGY - PARSONS               Macsam                   



There was a young lady named Tucker,                        
And the parson, he tried hard to fuck her.                  
She said, "You gay sinner,                                  
Instead of your dinner,                                     
At my cunt you shall have a good sucker."                   
                                                            
13197 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   L0441



"To hear what revivalists tell,                             
An evangelist, if he does well,                             
Can never relax,"                                           
Said a parson named Max,                                    
"Because he works to beat Hell."                            
                                                            
13198 CLERGY - PARSONS               A. N. Wilkins       P8706



There was a gay parson of Tooting,                          
Whose roe he was frequently shooting.                       
He married a lass                                           
With a face like my ass,                                    
And a cunt you could put your whole foot in.                
(Published 1879)                                            
13199 CLERGY - PARSONS                                   L0249



Our transaction, Pastor, we'll firm up.                     
And then we must get your worm up.                          
Fleet time flies                                            
Before your eyes,                                           
And you'll find your half-hour term up.                     
                                                            
13200 CLERGY - PASTORS               Jim Jambor          P9009



The pastor, ignoring his vows,                              
Made altar boys practice their bows.                        
And gaining admission                                       
By their angled position,                                   
Just slid right up there, the louse.                        
                                                            
13201 CLERGY - PASTORS               Flabbergast              



At the wedding outdoors, people huddled,                    
Due to the rain water puddled.                              
Then senile Pastor Doanes                                   
In bass, sonorous tones,                                    
Addressed the guests, "Dearly befuddled..."                 
                                                            
13202 CLERGY - PASTORS               Loren C Fitzhugh         



"Fight the good fight," the pastor requested,               
"Like the boxer who cannot be bested:                       
In your battle with sin,                                    
Know your blows, and you'll win."                           
"Blow your nose, too," the head deacon jested.              
                                                            
13203 CLERGY - PASTORS               Jerry Nordal             



"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor,                        
"Come here!  Rub under my plaster!"                         
The choirboy grinned,                                       
Said, "I've never sinned."                                  
He knew the tricks of his master.                           
                                                            
13204 CLERGY - PASTORS               Jim Weaver Collection    



"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor,                        
Bring me some oil of castor!                                
The bishop done died                                        
With my organ inside,                                       
From fucking him faster and faster."                        
                                                            
13205 CLERGY - PASTORS               Jim Weaver Collection    



In chastising skeptics, our pastor                          
Claims doubting The Book brings disaster.                   
Says he, "There's no doubt,                                 
That your brains will rot out,                              
If you keep on baiting the Master!"                         
                                                            
13206 CLERGY - PASTORS               Norm Storer              



A Puritan pastor whose life                                 
Was embittered by marital strife,                           
Said, "I'm down on my luck,                                 
But I don't give a fuck."                                   
"That's exactly the case," cried his wife.                  
                                                            
13207 CLERGY - PASTORS               Laurence Perrine    P8802



A pastor in need of some lawyers                            
Was arrested for dropping his drawers.                      
His belt then did fail                                      
And down came the hail --                                   
Now his body is covered with sores.                         
                                                            
13208 CLERGY - PASTORS               JR                       



I heard my dear pastor once say                             
As he knelt down and started to pray:                       
"Oh, my children and kin,                                   
Renounce pleasure and sin,                                  
Many happy returns of the Dei."                             
                                                            
13209 CLERGY - PASTORS               Harry Raech         P8411



"How's your love life?" they asked Pastor Deex;             
He was new in the parish at Peaks.                          
And he said with a smile, "I've had five without guile."    
He said "Merciful Heaven, I've only had seven."             
He said "Gosh, it is fine, They stand here in line.         
But I've only been here for two weeks!"                     
13210 CLERGY - PASTORS               Dom                 P8706



Easter Sunday a young boy, Stan Snead,                      
Popped a stiff one as long as a reed.                       
And did he turn beet red,                                   
When Pastor Fred then said,                                 
"He is risen. He is risen indeed!"                          
                                                            
13211 CLERGY - PASTORS               Lims For Year - 01       



Preached a lewd old sky-pilot named Hoare,                  
In his unending efforts to score,                           
"Have sex with your pastor,                                 
The better, the faster --                                   
It's what the good Lord made you for!"                      
                                                            
13212 CLERGY - PASTORS               Armand E Singer       236



A horny old pastor named Ohm                                
Was finally put out to roam.                                
Retired, but not bored --                                   
Soft shouts of "Sweet Lord!"                                
Are heard from his rooms in the home.                       
                                                            
13213 CLERGY - PASTORS                                        



"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor,                        
"On your knees!  I am the master!                           
It is rear entry I love,"                                   
As he put on his glove,                                     
"For the rug, this spells a disaster!"                      
                                                            
13214 CLERGY - PASTORS               Magunda                  



"You!  Choirboy!" ordered the pastor,                       
"Sing!  Damn you!  Sing!  Oh yes!  Faster!"                 
Your rhythm and shake                                       
Makes my trembling loins ache!                              
Sing it out; I'm your lord and your master!"                
                                                            
13215 CLERGY - PASTORS               Madcat                   



I asked my pastor to please review                          
My latest limerick on the church's pews.                    
His quick critique                                          
Was not unique;                                             
He advised that limericks I should eschew.                  
                                                            
13216 CLERGY - PASTORS               Gamer Bob                



"You write limericks that prove you're depraved,            
So far gone that I doubt you'll be saved."                  
The pastor then said,                                       
Sadly shakinghis head,                                      
"Your road straight to Hell's nicely paved!"                
                                                            
13217 CLERGY - PASTORS               John Miller              



"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor,                        
"On your knees and pray to your Master!                     
Foreswear saucy tarts                                       
With tempestuous parts.                                     
Raise my robe! Drop your shorts! And pump faster!"          
                                                            
13218 CLERGY - PASTORS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The sermon our Pastor Rt. Rev.                              
Began, may have had a rt. clev.,                            
But his talk, though consistant,                            
Kept the end so far distant                                 
That we left since we felt he mt. nev.                      
                                                            
13219 CLERGY - PASTORS               Anon (Untermeyer) (Bibby)



Miss Master said no man outclassed her;                     
The pastor, past master, surpassed her.                     
When the pastor had passed her,                             
His disaster came faster;                                   
The past master became the passed pastor.                   
                                                            
13220 CLERGY - PASTORS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1067



Marie, on the brink of disaster,                            
Went off to speak with her pastor;                          
She feared what he'd think                                  
Of her troubles with drink,                                 
But lucky for her, he was plastered.                        
                                                            
13221 CLERGY - PASTORS               Paul M Hoffman           



A pastor in need of a lawyer,                               
Was attempting to sue his employer.                         
But the judge duly warned                                   
That if God was scorned,                                    
He'd be stopped at the Pearly Gate's foyer.                 
                                                            
13222 CLERGY - PASTORS               Limerick Man             



A bible-belt pastor, Jim Jeeter,                            
Found adulterous sex so much sweeter.                       
Caught, he waffled, "But hey!                               
Scripture says it's OK --                                   
It's right here in the 'pistle of Peter.                    
                                                            
13223 CLERGY - PASTORS               Robin K. Willoughby P8707



"You!  Choirboy!" ordered the pastor,                       
"Your blowjob technique's a disaster!                       
Removing your hand                                          
From the base of my gland                                   
Will let me come deeper and faster!"                        
                                                            
13224 CLERGY - PASTORS               Blue-eyed Devil          



There was a young girl in a cast,                           
Who had an unsavory past.                                   
For the neighborhood pastor                                 
Tried fucking through plaster,                              
And his very first fuck was his last.                       
                                                            
13225 CLERGY - PASTORS                                   L1144



Since the church hired Jane, a temporary,                   
Her reviews have been rated exemplary.                      
But it presaged disaster;                                   
She was found with the Pastor                               
In a compromising position, missionary.                     
                                                            
13226 CLERGY - PASTORS               Thomas G. Keller    P9408



There once was an Anglican pastor,                          
Whose maid didn't let much get past her.                    
She said, "When you muff-dive on                            
The living room divan,                                      
Please use an anti-macassar."                               
                                                            
13227 CLERGY - PASTORS                                   L0420



There once was a passionate pastor                          
Whose feelings he never could master.                       
His ejaculations                                            
Baptized congregations,                                     
And hung from the ceiling like plaster.                     
                                                            
13228 CLERGY - PASTORS                                   G2451



A religious young lady named Astor                          
Had never reached orgasm faster                             
Than the night she got head,                                
In the rectory's bed,                                       
In a flaming embrace with the pastor.                       
                                                            
13229 CLERGY - PASTORS               Cap'n Bean          P9911



"You, choirboy!" ordered the Pastor.                        
"Bend over the pew for your Master!"                        
He said with a moan                                         
As he slipped him the bone,                                 
"Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"                      
                                                            
13230 CLERGY - PASTORS               Ogden Nield              



The Pastor would never admit                                
That he suffered from atrophied wit.                        
He thought that a tumor                                     
Was a call for bright humor.                                
Egads!, Good grief!, What a twit!                           
                                                            
13231 CLERGY - PASTORS               Bill Doern               



The pastor did a double take;                               
It must have been some mistake.                             
As he read the homily --                                    
Here's the ANOMALY --                                       
The worshippers were wide awake!                            
                                                            
13232 CLERGY - PASTORS               Norm                     



Alexander, the Borgian Pope,                                
Remarked to this cardinals, "Nope,                          
I'd rather fuck Lucy,                                       
My daughter, than goosey                                    
A priest with his ass full of soap."                        
                                                            
13233 CLERGY - POPES                                     G1143



So here was this popular Pope,                              
With a prick he could knot like a rope.                     
He baptised this rarity                                     
With his balls, Faith and Charity,                          
And his asshole as Christendom's Hope.                      
                                                            
13234 CLERGY - POPES                                     G1144



Then filled with ambition, the Pope,                        
Once bound his huge cock with a rope.                       
If once he could thin it, he                                
Could bugger the Trinity,                                   
And fill Mary's cunt with soft soap.                        
                                                            
13235 CLERGY - POPES                                     G1145



Alas, our dissatisfied Pope                                 
Would stretch out his cock with a rope.                     
He used it on foresters,                                    
And virginal choristers,                                    
Which made all the cardinals mope.                          
                                                            
13236 CLERGY - POPES                                     G1146



When an old vegetarian Pope,                                
He shot off in a ripe cantaloupe.                           
The seeds produced scores                                   
Of sactified whores,                                        
And a priest with a prick for a cope.                       
                                                            
13237 CLERGY - POPES                                     G1147



An ape hailed the Pope and said, "Hi, mate!                 
We're cousins, you know.  It's no lie, mate."               
The Pope fixed him there                                    
With a cold haughty stare,                                  
But asked himself, which was Primate.                       
                                                            
13238 CLERGY - POPES                 Laurence Perrine    P8408



To the faithful Pope Pius implored                          
That in heaven they'll get their reward.                    
Then he pulled out his cock                                 
And he said to his flock,                                   
"Believe ye in me and the Lord."                            
                                                            
13239 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1039



A wily old bishop was Gastard;                              
New tricks for the Pope he had mastered.                    
He checked the Pope's gas                                   
With his prick up his ass,                                  
But the pope was a bastard and passed turd.                 
                                                            
13240 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1028



A great souvenir? No great hope.                            
I went in to mine my own stope.                             
Disguised as a Cardinal,                                    
I costumed my cord 'n all,                                  
And burgled a turd from the pope.                           
                                                            
13241 CLERGY - POPES                                          



Your kneeling in front of the Pope,                         
For sainthood must be kept in scope;                        
The Pope gets canonical                                     
(Which I think's ironical!)                                 
When candidates suck on his rope.                           
                                                            
13242 CLERGY - POPES                                          



The bishop no more could endure                             
The whores on the banks of the Ruhr,                        
For their cunts were depressing,                            
So he gave them a blessing                                  
And the Pope checked each one to be sure.                   
                                                            
13243 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1012



To the Pope, said the prodigal son:                         
"Holy Father, forgive what I've done."                      
Said the Pope, "It's a deal,                                
If you'll kindly reveal                                     
How you stay most admired through such fun!"                
                                                            
13244 CLERGY - POPES                 Prof M-G           TP9901



The Pope in regalia first class,                            
Kissed the cunt of a nun after mass.                        
He judged her fair slit,                                    
To be hairy and fit,                                        
So smoke signals poured out of his ass.                     
(Colored smoke announces the election of a new Pope.)       
13245 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0997



Said the Pope to John Huss, "I'm disgusted.                 
Ecclesiastically you're maladjusted."                       
John replied, "Though you rant,                             
I still will not recant!"                                   
Then spontaneously John combusted.                          
                                                            
13246 CLERGY - POPES                 Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



When the Pope crossed the Rhone to taste wine,              
Many minstrels thought that was just fine.                  
For they'd prance and they'd play                           
From the bridge. On the way,                                
The Pope chose the best from a line.                        
                                                            
13247 CLERGY - POPES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



To win the big Lotto, your chance                           
Is as slim as attending a dance                             
Where the Pope is a guest,                                  
And he boogies with zest,                                   
Wearing neither his skivvies nor pants.                     
                                                            
13248 CLERGY - POPES                 Cap'n Bean               



Does the Pope use the loo as we do?                         
And enjoy sherry wine or a brew?                            
Though he drinks lots of tea,                               
He has never said, 'pee',                                   
But we know what he means by 'pooh-pooh'.                   
                                                            
13249 CLERGY - POPES                 Al Willis                



The man from Basilican Dome                                 
Brought humor to many a home.                               
They all gathered to hear,                                  
And by millions to cheer,                                   
The great double-talk artist from Rome.                     
                                                            
13250 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1005



There was a promiscuous Primate,                            
Who said that, at this day and time, it                     
Is right to embrace                                         
One of each faith and race                                  
In our ecumenical climate.                                  
                                                            
13251 CLERGY - POPES                 Harold C Bibby           



The pope's now down Mexico way.                             
I sent him this.  This he did say:                          
"That Travis I've cursed                                    
With an 18 inch wurst...                                    
It'll skewer his ass one fine day."                         
                                                            
13252 CLERGY - POPES                                          



"The Pope has done opened his flies",                       
Muttered Sister Marie in surprise                           
As he waggled it out                                        
And around and about.                                       
"Tis a blessing, I hope, in disguise."                      
                                                            
13253 CLERGY - POPES                 Peter Wilkins            



He's just drying off the brown streaks.                     
He's been off to visit the Greeks,                          
And strong is tradition.                                    
He's done some coition                                      
Between some Hellenic boy's cheeks.                         
                                                            
13254 CLERGY - POPES                 Tiddy Ogg                



The Vatican's shouting "Hooray!";                           
The Pope has been saved from decay!                         
His body's exhumed,                                         
His face is regroomed,                                      
And his corpse has been put on display!"                    
                                                            
13255 CLERGY - POPES                 Cap'n Bean          P0107



Whenever the trees are uprootin',                           
It would seem there's no refutin'.                          
Though there's no one there,                                
Does the sound fill the air?                                
Does the Pope fart in latin?  Darn tootin!                  
                                                            
13256 CLERGY - POPES                                          



The Pope is a regular guy.                                  
If gassy...he just lets it fly.                             
For a couple of cents,                                      
He'll light some incense;                                   
If not, all the clergy will cry.                            
                                                            
13257 CLERGY - POPES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The vilest of priests are collected,                        
Then bishops, archbishops selected.                         
From the worst of this scum,                                
All the cardinals come,                                     
And the Pope from the dregs is elected.                     
                                                            
13258 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0998



He's far from over the hill;                                
To this day his pecker works still,                         
In the shower with soap.                                    
'Cause I'll bet the pope                                    
Gets more pussy these days than Bill!                       
(Bill Clinton Pres US 1992 - 2000 scandal)                  
13259 CLERGY - POPES                                          



An old Pope was once asked by his aunt,                     
"Greg dear, have you tried singing descant?"                
The wise pontiff just sighed                                
And replied, "I've my pride:                                
And being no good at singing, I chant."                     
(descant - sing, warble)                                    
13260 CLERGY - POPES                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9705



On a trip to the Vatican's Sistine                          
Chapel, a young nun named Christine                         
Made a play for the pope                                    
And after her grope,                                        
His Holiness wasn't so pristine.                            
                                                            
13261 CLERGY - POPES                                          



Said the Pontiff, "New laws we shall pass                   
So that nuns can assist at high mass."                      
But the man was a gent,                                     
For the guy really meant,                                   
"So that nuns can screw boys up the ass."                   
                                                            
13262 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin       P9505



From the halls of the crypts of St. Giles,                  
Came a scream that could be heard for miles.                
Said the Pope, "Goodness Gracious!                          
Has Brother Ignatius                                        
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"                            
                                                            
13263 CLERGY - POPES                 Anon                     



Refreshing my Latin in Reno,                                
I spoke with the Pope playing Keno.                         
Asking, "What do you think                                  
They will serve you to drink?'                              
He smiled saying, "In Veritas, Vino."                       
                                                            
13264 CLERGY - POPES                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



But Karol Wojtyla of Krakow,                                
I fear that you don't have the knack of                     
Disguising your face                                        
Like a spy; so your Grace,                                  
You may take that ridiculous mac off.                       
                                                            
13265 CLERGY - POPES                 John Miller              



I wonder how many would ken                                 
The Pope by the name he had "then?"                         
I wouldn't have known                                       
Had my boss, then, not shown                                
Off his countryman's name to us men.                        
                                                            
13266 CLERGY - POPES                 Liam na Beag             



The Pope had a brief little fling                           
With a dildo he called Bishop Zing.                         
But after his reaming,                                      
He found it unseeming;                                      
He asked it to please kiss his ring.                        
                                                            
13267 CLERGY - POPES                 Kristen Coughlin    T9711



John Paul in regalia so fit,                                
Went to Poland to visit a bit.                              
His dear land he had missed,                                
So the good earth he kissed,                                
Where a canine had thoughtfully shit.                       
                                                            
13268 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1018



John Paul felt a pang of remorse,                           
So he set for his Poland a course.                          
There he kissed the good earth                              
Of the land of his birth,                                   
But ran into the turd of a horse.                           
                                                            
13269 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1077



The Pope, who has very old hips,                            
Can't bend down, on arrival, on trips.                      
But his urge to kiss ground                                 
Has remained so profound,                                   
They instead raise the Earth to his lips!                   
                                                            
13270 CLERGY - POPES                 Prof M-G                 



There was a priapic old Pope.                               
Laid hands on each novice with hope.                        
He said, "Peter's dome                                      
Provides a good home--                                      
Provided you offer me scope."                               
                                                            
13271 CLERGY - POPES                 Harold C Bibby           



There one was a Pope from Des Moines,                       
Who ravished his altar boys' loins.                         
He powedered their balls                                    
And dressed them like dolls,                                
While his staff annointed their groins.                     
                                                            
13272 CLERGY - POPES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm confused and to me it's not clear,                      
Why, in spite of brocaded headgear,                         
Festooned with long tresses                                 
And the fact he wears dresses,                              
The Pope was named, "Man Of The Year"?                      
                                                            
13273 CLERGY - POPES                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9502



There once was a pope who was gay.                          
He would ride down the Appian Way,                          
And wink at the ladies                                      
From his little Mercedes,                                   
Which he'd nicknamed his auto da fe.                        
                                                            
13274 CLERGY - POPES                                          



On the Pope's pointed hat was a spot,                       
Which the Pontiff detested a lot.                           
But from what I have gleaned                                
When asked, "Want it cleaned?"                              
He replied, "I mitre might not."                            
                                                            
13275 CLERGY - POPES                 Loren Fitzhugh           



"Oh Mother, I've something to tell                          
You; I'm pregnant."  "You're pregnant?  Oh hell.            
So am I, my dear child;                                     
Why, that party was wild;                                   
Did the Pope screw your sister as well?"                    
                                                            
13276 CLERGY - POPES                                          



Seems the pope has this problem, you see;                   
In the night he makes so much wee-wee,                      
The sisters who've been in                                  
Charge of his linen,                                        
Took to calling him "Il Pipi."                              
                                                            
13277 CLERGY - POPES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The wealth of the Pope needs accounting --                  
He adds to world woes that are mounting.                    
As he goes to his hoard                                     
Where his bullion is stored,                                
And there daily he blesses those counting.                  
                                                            
13278 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0961



My muse has been snorting of dope,                          
And told me she's gonna elope,                              
To Vatican City,                                            
And there flash a titty,                                    
In order to roger the Pope.                                 
                                                            
13279 CLERGY - POPES                                          



Said the Pope to a banker in Rome,                          
"St. Pete's needs a new gilded dome,                        
The Swiss guards are bitter,                                
I need a new litter,                                        
And my bedroom is colder than Nome."                        
                                                            
13280 CLERGY - POPES                 Giandomeni & Christ P8908



The pope dresses up in "pope style",                        
And sits on a chair for awhile.                             
He then waves us a blessing,                                
But its damn distressing;                                   
The poor guy will not crack a smile!                        
                                                            
13281 CLERGY - POPES                 Travis Brasell           



"Spaghetti is good for the soul",                           
The Italian said to the Pole.                               
"So I'm pasta my prime,"                                    
Said the Pope, "Well it's time                              
I retired and left you in control."                         
                                                            
13282 CLERGY - POPES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I sat once upon the Pope's knee.                            
He offered three wishes to me.                              
My first was a probe                                        
Beneath his white robe --                                   
There weren't nuthin' there but a goatee!                   
                                                            
13283 CLERGY - POPES                                          



Said the Pontiff indulging in quips,                        
"With my problems I've now come to grips.                   
There are those wish me dead,                               
'On my last legs' they said --                              
When the truth is I'm on my last hips."                     
                                                            
13284 CLERGY - POPES                 Phil Cannibal       P9408



The Pope has held many high masses                          
For believers of all creeds and classes,                    
But he gains greatest fame                                  
And enhances his name                                       
For his bursts of intestinal gases.                         
                                                            
13285 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin            



The Pope, with his crazy belief,                            
Gives horny young priests plenty grief.                     
He says, "Wipe that smirk off,                              
To your cell now and jerk-off."                             
And that's known as Pastoral Relief.                        
                                                            
13286 CLERGY - POPES                 Theo Heller         P9312



There was a young lady named Hope,                          
Condemned by the Bishop of Stope.                           
Her most sinful behavior                                    
Was an affront to our Savior,                               
Until personally tried by the pope.                         
                                                            
13287 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin            



As his Holiness signed my petition,                         
He said, "I take this position:                             
Here shines a clean mind,                                   
For nowhere do I find,                                      
A single lubricious omission!"                              
                                                            
13288 CLERGY - POPES                                     L1512



Said the Pope to a girl named McAllister,                   
"I doubt if you can make my phallus stir."                  
But she showed that in Texas,                               
With her bare solar plexus,                                 
She could make every phallus in Dallas stir.                
                                                            
13289 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2176



There was a young man of St. Giles,                         
Who walked thousands and thousands of miles,                
From the Cape of Good Hope,                                 
Just to bugger the Pope,                                    
But he couldn't, the Pontiff had piles.                     
                                                            
13290 CLERGY - POPES                                          



Amen to my hero, the Pope;                                  
With his face on my wall, I can cope,                       
When it all starts to suck,                                 
Or I've run out of luck,                                    
And I'm out at the end of my rope.                          
                                                            
13291 CLERGY - POPES                 Bob Leclerc              



I will feel his pontifical power                            
Rain down like an energy shower.                            
It gives me the will                                        
To work harder still                                        
For at least one third of an hour.                          
                                                            
13292 CLERGY - POPES                 Bob Leclerc              



Two nuns who were walking the town,                         
Were stopped by a man in a gown.                            
They said, "You can't buy us                                
Even if you're Pope Pius."                                  
He said, "That's who I am, so lay down."                    
                                                            
13293 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1101



B. B. King was the Pope's Christmas ruse                    
To lure souls in to fill empty pews.                        
At the show, yonder star                                    
Gave John Paul his guitar...                                
But can Popes, who are soul guys, play blues?               
                                                            
13294 CLERGY - POPES                 Prof M-G            T9712



There was a young lady named Heatter                        
Who learned that religion was sweeter.                      
In the pope's private room,                                 
She found out about doom                                    
And then also the powers of Peter.                          
                                                            
13295 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin            



After scolding his penitent flock,                          
The pontif exhorted his cock,                               
"You pendulous shrimp!                                      
You just dangle there, limp.                                
You're supposed to be Peter, a Rock."                       
                                                            
13296 CLERGY - POPES                                          



The Pope spoke on moral decay,                              
With a nun to exhibit the lay:                              
"Lay the bitch on her back --                               
Shove your prick up her crack;                              
By God, there is no other way!"                             
                                                            
13297 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1001



Next spoke the venerable Pope:                              
"In my youth I learned how to grope.                        
Now, though old and infirm,                                 
I still seek the worm                                       
That hides 'neath the chorister's cope.                     
                                                            
13298 CLERGY - POPES                                     G1049



On the balcony stood the Pope slick,                        
To display to the faithful a trick.                         
Every Christmas and Easter                                  
He would show them his keester,                             
But today he would show them his prick.                     
                                                            
13299 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1088



The whore to the Pope did appeal,                           
"Save my soul -- before Christ I will kneel."               
Said the Pope to the whore,                                 
"You may go -- sin no more.                                 
But be sure when you fuck, it's for real."                  
                                                            
13300 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0964



After failing the bishop, the Pope                          
Looked down at his cock without hope.                       
It would no longer rise                                     
And he said, "I surmise                                     
That I'm now at the end of my rope."                        
                                                            
13301 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1070



Sir Hillary Hagglestone Hope                                
Developed a salvation soap.                                 
If one bathed twice a day,                                  
It washed all sins away,                                    
And Catholics could give up the Pope.                       
                                                            
13302 CLERGY - POPES                 Warrick Elrod            



In Rome an old tortoise named Myrtle                        
Was in prison for stealing a girdle.                        
Then the Vatican City                                       
Agreed to have pity.                                        
The headlines read: "Pope Springs a Turtle!"                
                                                            
13303 CLERGY - POPES                 S. M. Polonsky.          



A man of St Edmund's House                                  
Was sadly deficient in nous.                                
When received by the Pope,                                  
He expressed the warm hope                                  
That all was quite well with his spouse.                    
(St Edmund's House of Cambridge) (nous - mental acuity)     
13304 CLERGY - POPES                 Harold C. Bibby          



Young cox, in despair, on the rocks,                        
Received aid from the parish Poor Box.                      
Said the Pope, much impressed,                              
"May this parish be blessed                                 
For providing the succor for Cox."                          
                                                            
13305 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2267



The old pontiff was ill and he pleaded                      
To the Mother Superior who heeded.                          
So she lifted the gown                                      
Of the pope and went down,                                  
And she gave him the succor he needed.                      
                                                            
13306 CLERGY - POPES                 Albin Chaplin            



It's true that our Catholic Pope Pius's                     
Worst fear is acute thrombidiasis;                          
Moaned the man, "It's a bitch,                              
There's this Godawful itch.                                 
I swear it's not one of my biases."                         
                                                            
13307 CLERGY - POPES                 Armand Singer       P0402



The Pope knew his desire was a sin.                         
"I'll fulfill it!" he vowed with chagrin.                   
So he prayed to St Paul if                                  
He might go to Mount Olive...                               
But Popeye about did him in.                                
                                                            
13308 CLERGY - POPES                 Don Moore           P9008



The old pontiff in public does gloss                        
And exhibits the corpse of his boss.                        
It would suit his behavior                                  
If, instead of his savior,                                  
He displayed a dead cat on the cross.                       
                                                            
13309 CLERGY - POPES                 Al Chaplin          P0302



There was a proud pompous old Prelate,                      
Who said, on arriving in hell, "It                          
Is quite a disgrace                                         
That I have to face                                         
The final tribunal-appellate."                              
                                                            
13310 CLERGY - POPES                 Harold C. Bibby          



The papal knee held a young sister;                         
While sitting, she did quite a twister.                     
But then the conclave                                       
Banned all parts concave;                                   
This Pope has become a resister.                            
                                                            
13311 CLERGY - POPES                                          



After drinking a bottle of wine,                            
The Pope shouted: "Your place or mine?"                     
I said, "I'll give a call,"                                 
So he wrote on the wall                                     
His phone number -- VAT 69!                                 
                                                            
13312 CLERGY - POPES                 Bill Wall                



The Pope caught the Cardinal pressing                       
His eye to the keyhole of dressing                          
Rooms used by the altar                                     
Boys.  "Holy Gibralter!"                                    
The Pope screamed, "Let me see the blessing!"               
                                                            
13313 CLERGY - POPES                 Travis Brasell           



Walesa's the new Polack Hope,                               
While the communists fumble and grope.                      
And their countrymen cheer                                  
Their new leader so dear,                                   
As he kisses the ass of the Pope!                           
                                                            
13314 CLERGY - POPES                 Phil Cannibal       P8908



The men of the church now confess                           
The subject of sex is a mess.                               
What can we expect                                          
When the pope they elect,                                   
Goes walking around in a dress!                             
                                                            
13315 CLERGY - POPES                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0302



There was an old man called the Pope,                       
Whose sex life was one without hope.                        
Though continually urgin'                                   
To come in a virgin,                                        
All he got was a snog and a grope.                          
                                                            
13316 CLERGY - POPES                 Lester Haines            



Masturbation is not very smart,                             
And the pope explained why on his chart,                    
But he took no position                                     
On nocturnal emission,                                      
Where the hand of the Lord plays a part.                    
                                                            
13317 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin            



His Holiness said, "You must follow,                        
And not think that my reasoning's hollow.                   
If natural law                                              
Should make you a Ma,                                       
Why that is a pill you must swallow."                       
                                                            
13318 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Casey Renn          P8702



The Pope gave his final position                            
To those who indulge in coition:                            
"The union is best                                          
When by priest it is blest,                                 
And be sure you don't ground your emission."                
                                                            
13319 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin   3024-1071



Though the virile young priests of the nation,              
Waited breathless throughout its gestation,                 
The Bull of Pope Paul,                                      
Offered nothing at all,                                     
Save prolonged and restrained celebation.                   
                                                            
13320 CLERGY - POPES - BULL                                   



For Bulls of the Pope say, "Amen,"                          
For they are admonishing men,                               
Detail by detail, Of God's love avail. Abortionists quail.  
No male upon male. In Hell there's no bail.                 
Your tithe do not fail. Avoid outside "tail."               
All outshoots of Moses's Ten.                               
13321 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Irving Superior     P9312



The sex manual with Catholic appeal                         
Bears the pontiff's Imprimatur seal.                        
It's a simple design--                                      
On one page is one line:                                    
"Keep fucking and do it for real."                          
                                                            
13322 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Phil Cannibal       P9108



The pope in profoundest oration                             
Disclosed the Grand Scheme of Creation.                     
He declared that the soul                                   
Is conceived in a hole,                                     
In the midst of orgasmic vibration.                         
                                                            
13323 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin   3024-1065



The wily old Pope is loquacious,                            
A genius in matters fallacious.                             
He disgorges duplicity                                      
With apparent felicity,                                     
While retaining an image sagacious.                         
                                                            
13324 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin 3024  P9308



The pope in his wisdom first class                          
Advised all the bishops en masse,                           
The approved contraceptive,                                 
To which he's receptive,                                    
Was fucking the wife up the ass.                            
                                                            
13325 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin   3024-0911



Excommunication                                             
Is papal flagellation                                       
Of wayward souls                                            
With awkward goals                                          
That merit extirpation.                                     
                                                            
13326 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          William K. Alsop    P8910



Karol Wojtyla's new letter appalls                          
Theologians wanting Commandment recalls.                    
Some call it mere drivel                                    
While others just snivel                                    
And say, "John Paul's Bull has no balls."                   
                                                            
13327 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Thomas G. Keller    P9312



To all nations the Pope spoke with pride;                   
The world's future they now must decide.                    
He sought help to release                                   
His new plan for the peace,                                 
And old whores by the hundreds applied.                     
                                                            
13328 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin   3024-3008



Said the Pope, "Contraceptives won't do,                    
And abortions are sinful things too.                        
But there's no need to fret --                              
Just use Rhythm Roulette.                                   
If you don't want a family, don't screw."                   
                                                            
13329 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin   3024-1003



Said the Pope, "It's my studied conclusion,                 
We must clear up the fucking confusion.                     
May God's Will be done --                                   
No fucking for fun!                                         
Every fuck should result in a fusion."                      
                                                            
13330 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin   3024-0999



Said a pretty young Catholic, Nanette,                      
Who referred to her husband as "Pet":                       
"There are times when I must                                
Look at hubby with lust.                                    
Now the Pope says, 'That's a NO-NO NANETTE.'"               
                                                            
13331 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Isadore Lippman     P8304



One day God said to John Paul,                              
"I'm really fed up with it all.                             
You've not told a joke                                      
Since you got the white smoke.                              
You just bore me with dull Papal Bull."                     
                                                            
13332 CLERGY - POPES - BULL                                   



Said the Pope, "My pure truth is unchangeable;              
Compromise with new trend's unarrangeable."                 
And he issued a bull,                                       
Which some said was full                                    
And complete with an exquisite range o' bull.               
                                                            
13333 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Jim Vandemeer       P9312



There was a young priest who ignored                        
Some Papal Bulls that he abhorred.                          
When a new one appeeared                                    
He disdainfully sneered,                                    
"STICK IT UP! on the BULLetin board."                       
                                                            
13334 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Evelyn Bogen        P9401



Though Webster says Bull means decree,                      
It also Baloney can be.                                     
If worse comes to worse,                                    
And I should worse verse,                                   
Would you excommunicate me?                                 
                                                            
13335 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Irving Superior     P9312



Said a Bull from the Pope, "Adam's fall,                    
It is sure, without grace, damns us all."                   
But you might just as well,                                 
If you're planning on hell,                                 
Go for broke! Try it all! Have a ball!                      
                                                            
13336 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          James H. Vandermeer P9312



The Papal Bull I thought was neat                           
Concerned that which Catholics must eat.                    
It's oral, it's kinky;                                      
Their fingers get stinky,                                   
'Cause Fridays they couldn't eat meat"                      
                                                            
13337 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Mark Levy           P9312



When bigotry's buckets are full                             
And Calvinist casuistries pall,                             
With Protestant bias                                        
We scoff at Pope Pius                                       
And sit around shooting the Bull.                           
                                                            
13338 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Norm Storer         P9312



Each limerick must have some wit                            
But excess in taste don't commit.                           
If you go too far,                                          
I may prove you are                                         
Against all this Papal Bull (shit).                         
                                                            
13339 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Irving Superior     P9312



The Pope makes edicts I shun                                
Like: birth control, sex, evolution.                        
But on matters of weight                                    
His ideas are so great;                                     
I've slimmed down with his abs solution!                    
                                                            
13340 CLERGY - POPES - BULL                                   



The Pope wore a Dior creation                               
As he spoke on TV to the nation.                            
"Original sin                                               
Concerns getting in,                                        
And ignores sodomy and fellation."                          
                                                            
13341 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Arthur Deex         P8208



To all nations, the Pope in a huff                          
Gave his speech with the same crap and stuff.               
"Our new plan we'll release                                 
For promoting the peace.                                    
We've promoted the war long enough."                        
                                                            
13342 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin   3024-2983



Said the Pope, "I must stress it again:                     
Whether married or not, sex is sin                          
If it thwarts procreation;                                  
It is certain damnation.                                    
Therefore please mind which hole you are in."               
                                                            
13343 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          James H. Vandermeer P9312



Said the Pope, as he read from the roll:                    
"True religion saves only the soul.                         
We must have further study,                                 
And then more further study,                                
Of further study of birth control."                         
(gutless bugger isn't he - McW)                             
13344 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Albin Chaplin 3024  G1154



The Pope, who's a biblical scholar,                         
Brought his Cardinals to Rome just to holler:               
"You must punish and scold                                  
Every priest must be told,                                  
Turn your pants 'round as well as your collar."             
                                                            
13345 CLERGY - POPES - BULL          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



I'll say this but once and speak fast;                      
Perverted Popes have me aghast.                             
I think that the Vatican                                    
Won't allow that again,                                     
And so, Arch the First is the last                          
                                                            
13346 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE                                  



Back in Avignon, Pope Uc Castets                            
Would enjoy isorhythmic motets,                             
Chanted by sisters three:                                   
One would sit on his knee,                                  
While the others did weird pirouettes.                      
                                                            
13347 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Certain minstrels, dressed in Papal hues,                   
Got to travel around the Vaucluse:                          
To Venasque, late in May,                                   
For a quick virile lay,                                     
Or to Chateauneuf, for screws and booze.                    
                                                            
13348 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Jim Weaver Collection    



When the Popes dined in old Avignon,                        
They would rarely ingest food alone.                        
There were minstrels galore,                                
An occasional whore,                                        
And some valets, to answer the phone.                       
                                                            
13349 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Archie, you pope peddling sod;                              
You've had your instructions from God.                      
Now return what is mine,                                    
My vestments divine,                                        
For dressed in my frock, you look odd!                      
                                                            
13350 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         JP                       



Simply divine, is your frock,                               
Except where disturbed by my cock.                          
The conclave did vote,                                      
(You people take note.)                                     
And gave me the seat of the rock!                           
                                                            
13351 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



Get thee to a nunnery do,                                   
Before my ire's raised up at you.                           
I'm enjoying this job                                       
As Pope of this mob --                                      
The corks that I wear, I smoke too!                         
                                                            
13352 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



Archie, get up off your tush!                               
I know you don't speak burning bush.                        
Give JP his dress                                           
And come and confess.                                       
Do you need Me to give you a push.                          
                                                            
13353 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Anon                     



Peter, I am glad to see                                     
You're here to confess sinfully                             
You've been helping the fuzz                                
And getting a buzz,                                         
For the beavering beaver of E.  (Ericka)                    
                                                            
13354 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



(Just wait while I'm sniffing this line,                    
Oh good, it is smelling just fine.                          
It's a scratch and sniff                                    
Of a snatch that's stiff --                                 
But necrophilia's such a grind!)                            
                                                            
13355 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



You mean you thought I'm sniffing coke?                     
Pardon me while I quietly choke.                            
I am into hemp;                                             
It is heaven sent.                                          
I don't sniff -- I chew or I smoke.                         
                                                            
13356 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



But enough of this digression;                              
Now it's back to your confession.                           
Yes, my son, you have sinned;                               
Most greviously limmed --                                   
Make amends for this possession!                            
                                                            
13357 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



I'm Spanish and in a position                               
To start up a new Inquisition.                              
Confess, or I'll stretch                                    
You on racks, holy wretch.                                  
And these thumbscrews will force your submission.           
                                                            
13358 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Peter Wilkins            



I'll agree to your plans for me                             
(I'm not to be arrested by "E")                             
And Marlene can rape                                        
Me, using duct tape,                                        
But pay me in hemp scrip, plenty.                           
                                                            
13359 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



One evening the Pope and a clown                            
Were alone and both feeling down.                           
So in secret the slobs                                      
Swapped their clothes and their jobs,                       
And their change of life never was found.                   
                                                            
13360 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE                                  



All hail to Pope Archie The Free!                           
Whom Feds gave the deep third degree.                       
When asked for his stash                                    
Of hash and of cash,                                        
His clever reply was, "Who, me?"                            
                                                            
13361 CLERGY - POPES - FALSE         Archie                   



While the preacher his sermon was making,                   
The whole congregation was taking                           
A siesta much needed.                                       
But the sermon succeeded!                                   
At its end they all had an awakening.                       
                                                            
13362 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Don Moore           P0206



A stubborn old banker named Jude                            
And a preacher, a Baptist, argued.                          
Asked, "Have you been saved?"                               
The old baker raved,                                        
"No dang it, I've been accrued!"                            
                                                            
13363 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Michael Polo        P8606



For salvation our preachers will pray,                      
Claiming morals are now in decay.                           
Wives should heed this advice:                              
Best laid men, best laid mice,                              
Have plans which will lead them astray.                     
                                                            
13364 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Albin Chaplin       P9602



A young lady preacher from Dover,                           
Would pray to the great god Jehovah.                        
But we'd not concentrate,                                   
'Cause her big 38's                                         
From the pulpit rail always hung over.                      
                                                            
13365 CLERGY - PREACHERS                                      



My church exists in Glamorgan,                              
Run by a preacher named Morgan.                             
I go there each week,                                       
To breathless to speak,                                     
For I am obsessed with his organ.                           
                                                            
13366 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Michelle                 



Well God moves without and within,                          
And Reverend Morgan is no exception.                        
When his reed starts blowing,                               
I know where I'm going,                                     
'Cause what comes out is high proof gin!                    
                                                            
13367 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Michelle                 



The preacher this point must allow --                       
His head to the harlot must bow.                            
For she works hard in bed,                                  
There to earn daily bread,                                  
And it's earned by the sweat of her brow.                   
                                                            
13368 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1428



A prissy young preacher from Texas                          
Was impaled on a prurient nexus --                          
When he took down his pants                                 
In a pissoir in France --                                   
By a shaft up his posterior plexus.                         
                                                            
13369 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Glenn F. Baker           



A potulent Preacher at Selwyn                               
Said, "Don't let the forces of hell win;                    
If communion wine                                           
With whiskey combine,                                       
Men's love for pure spirit might well win."                 
(Selwyn College of Cambridge)                               
13370 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Harold C. Bibby          



An anonymous woman we knew,                                 
Was dozing one day in her pew.                              
When the preacher yelled, "Sin!"                            
She said, "Count me in,                                     
As soon as the service is through."                         
                                                            
13371 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Donald Dimock            



Preached a preacher named Billy Bob Black,                  
"Morality's what you all lack!                              
If in lust you are basking,                                 
There's no harm at least asking,                            
'Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!'"                    
                                                            
13372 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Bob Birch           P0010



Alas, I'm a poor defrocked preacher                         
Who's willing to be your new teacher.                       
If you'd like me swift,                                     
You could buy a gift,                                       
Then surely I'll make you a screecher.                      
                                                            
13373 CLERGY - PREACHERS                                      



I'm not very hungry you see,                                
But there are some things that please me.                   
Go out and shoplift                                         
An expensive gift..                                         
What's that you say duh double D?                           
                                                            
13374 CLERGY - PREACHERS                                      



Forget that I mentioned a gift,                             
I'm finding a transport that's swift                        
To fly to your shore.                                       
Please unlock your door,                                    
I'll be there to loose your uplift.                         
                                                            
13375 CLERGY - PREACHERS                                      



There is a young preacher named Goffin                      
Whose waterbed leaks all to often.                          
At such times he acts quick;                                
Plugs the leak with his dick;                               
Then prays that his pecker won't soften.                    
                                                            
13376 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Michael Weinstein   P9008



An adventurous preacher for fun,                            
Bought a heap from a vestryman's son.                       
But the thing wouldn't go                                   
Because he didn't know                                      
The right words to make the car run.                        
                                                            
13377 CLERGY - PREACHERS             A. N. Wilkins       P9203



There was an old preacher named Guff                        
Who rarely got off of his duff,                             
Til a gal in the choir                                      
Perchance did inquire                                       
If his organ could handle her stuff.                        
                                                            
13378 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Bob Birch                



A preacher came spouting the gospel                         
To me; how could he think it pospel.                        
My Rottweiler, Exit,                                        
Chomped both of his legs; it                                
Ended with preacher in hospel.                              
                                                            
13379 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Tiddy Ogg                



A college in East Tennessee                                 
Gave an honorary degree                                     
To a preacher named Fiddle,                                 
Who moaned, "Every kid'll                                   
Now address me as Fiddle, D.D."                             
                                                            
13380 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Casey Renn          P8702



If you follow the preacher's advice,                        
It can lead you to paradise.                                
If, in life, as you amble,                                  
You should start to gamble,                                 
You may end up with a pair o' dice.                         
                                                            
13381 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Tom Patton          P9606



Please pity the preacher Magoo,                             
Who couldn't sit still in his pew.                          
As everyone knew                                            
The day'd come that he'd rue                                
When he covered his bottom with glue.                       
                                                            
13382 CLERGY - PREACHERS                                      



A giddy young lass of Sesuit                                
Fell in love with a lad from Cotuit.                        
Said the preacher from Wareham                              
Who proceeded to pair 'em,                                  
"Sesuit, Cotuit, go to it!"                                 
                                                            
13383 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Conrad Aiken             



A rectitudinous preacher,                                   
Beheld a voluptuous creature.                               
With hormomes a-rage,                                       
The tumid old sage                                          
Could not hid his prominent feature.                        
                                                            
13384 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Chris Papa               



A beer-swilling preacher named Drew,                        
Unable to get to the loo,                                   
Became madder and madder                                    
At the bloat of his bladder                                 
And finally pissed in a pew.                                
                                                            
13385 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Armand E Singer       557



A deceitful preacher named Gibbon                           
Said he was not guilty of fibbin',                          
But a liar's contest                                        
Then declared him the best                                  
And gave him the "First Place" blue ribbon!                 
                                                            
13386 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Observer           TP9901



There once was a preacher named Purvis,                     
Who made all the church members nervous.                    
For the sign at the door,                                   
They couldn't ignore,                                       
"No shirt, No shoes, No service."                           
                                                            
13387 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Ron Sartain        TP9804



Preachers lay on the hands? Oh how so?                      
Perhaps to a revival I'll go.                               
I'll find me a preacher,                                    
Maybe one that can reach, or                                
Must I say? I think you know.                               
                                                            
13388 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Robyn                    



A degenerate Indian chief                                   
For most Christians, held damned little brief.              
He constructed a totem                                      
From some poor preacher's scrotum,                          
In accord with his tribal belief.                           
                                                            
13389 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Armand E Singer       289



When dealing with matters numerical,                        
Avoid interferences clerical;                               
For the preacher's phantasm                                 
Is a mental orgasm,                                         
Which results in solutions chimerical.                      
                                                            
13390 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1063



Observed a wise preacher named Drew,                        
"We know of the evil men do,                                
But churches are built                                      
By sinners with guilt,                                      
And someone might raise my pay, too."                       
                                                            
13391 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Armand E Singer       684



I recall an old preacher named Baer,                        
Who whenever indulging in prayer,                           
Would fall to his knees                                     
Beseeching God, "Please                                     
Let me keep my erections and hair."                         
                                                            
13392 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Armand Singer       P9811



She called the old preacher a roach,                        
And said that he needed a coach,                            
For he'd never be bishop                                    
Till he learned how to dish up                              
A more varied and charming approach.                        
                                                            
13393 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1022



The lecherous preacher, so lusting,                         
Entraps the young ladies, so trusting.                      
In the Lord's Holy Name                                     
He teaches them shame,                                      
And that pleasure and joy are disgusting.                   
                                                            
13394 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1056



The pious old preacher named Smuts                          
Rejected the nun of St. Klutz                               
When she asked for a screw.                                 
For he said, "If I do                                       
I'm afraid I will pop off my nuts."                         
                                                            
13395 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1089



I picture us both by the fire;                              
Your pink breasts are filled with desire.                   
You shout "Hallelujah!                                      
More power to ya'!                                          
Come on baby!  Preach to the choir!"                        
                                                            
13396 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Dennis Taylor            



A prudish young preacher in Bude,                           
Who everything lewd had eschewed,                           
Would gladly lie down                                       
With his wife in a gown,                                    
But thought it was rude in the nude.                        
                                                            
13397 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Harold C. Bibby          



The preacher said, "No more undressin',                     
And there'll be no more sex, that's a lesson.               
We'll read Bibles instead."                                 
And the natives then said,                                  
"Go get me my old Smith & Wesson."                          
                                                            
13398 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Al Willis           P9701



Brother Connor, a preacher from Dooley,                     
Would speak neither obscenely nor crudely.                  
Said his wife, "While it's true                             
He would never cuss you,                                    
In the shower he sings rather lewdly!"                      
                                                            
13399 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Anon                     



A Tennessee preacher named Hix                              
Found himself in a hell of a fix.                           
When he learned to his shame                                
That a code turned his name                                 
Into six hundred sixty and six.                             
                                                            
13400 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Martin Gardner           



Since the days of the Stowes and the Beechers,              
Some have claimed that the universe features                
Three sexes, at least                                       
For man though not beast:                                   
Male and female, of course, and then preachers.             
                                                            
13401 CLERGY - PREACHERS             A. N. Wilkins       P8706



A tiger, deprived of a mate,                                
Proceeded to master his bate.                               
A preacher ran in,                                          
Accused him of sin,                                         
And wound up on the cat's dinner plate.                     
                                                            
13402 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Actaeon                  



To preachers, a fellow named Meyers                         
Said, "Use your own blessings, my sires."                   
But they answered, "You'll find                             
They are only designed,                                     
To be properly used by the buyers."                         
                                                            
13403 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1059



A most devout preacher named Heaster                        
Said, "Everything rises at Easter;                          
Not just our Lord J.,                                       
This, too, let us pray,"                                    
And shoved it clear up his wife's keister.                  
                                                            
13404 CLERGY - PREACHERS             Armand E Singer       822



After mass, an old preacher so quaint,                      
On his knees he prayed long to his saint.                   
Then he ate twenty cunts,                                   
Four or five more than once,                                
Yet from hunger he fell in a faint.                         
                                                            
13405 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1076



At the church the new preacher of Wheeling                  
Gave the girls an oration with feeling.                     
When he showed them his dong                                
Over ten inches long,                                       
All the bell(e)s in the church started pealing (peeling).   
Triple pun - hear bells peal; here belles peel              
13406 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Jim Weaver Collection    



An odd sort of preacher is Strothers,                       
A pervert far worse than the others.                        
With even a smidgeon                                        
Of honest religion,                                         
He'd never have raped both his brothers.                    
                                                            
13407 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Armand E Singer       132



There was a young preacher Italian                          
Who fucked an old harlot named Gallion.                     
He was so far transported                                   
By her antics contorted,                                    
That he gave her his holy medallion.                        
                                                            
13408 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1040



There was an old preacher named Wiggers,  (Wigroes)         
Who withstood all African rigors          (Rigroes)         
For the rest of his life,                                   
And gave up his wife,                                       
For he wanted to cornhole some niggers.   (Negroes?)        
                                                            
13409 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin Appeal  718



Don't just preach the word of the Lord,                     
Or folks'll grow restive and bored.                         
To add zip and spice,                                       
Cultivate some rare vice --                                 
Poontang farms or a Krugerand hoard.                        
                                                            
13410 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Robin K. Willoughby P8707



Defrocked was a preacher named Bridges,                     
Whose prowess at sex was prodigious;                        
To assuage his desires                                      
He would bugger whole choirs.                               
(His bishop fumed, "Quite irreligious!")                    
                                                            
13411 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Armand Singer       P9812



Said the preacher to naive Miss Todd,                       
"Your ass you must lay on the sod.                          
Take this bible and pray,                                   
And you'll feel right away                                  
The magnificent scepter of God."                            
                                                            
13412 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1099



A born-again preacher and bigot                             
Censored books using words such as "frigate."               
With spirit-filled groanin'                                 
He played as did Onan;                                      
He prayed as he fondled his spigot.                         
                                                            
13413 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Jim Jambor          P9009



A comely young medium, Miss Snaith,                         
Conjured for the preacher a wraith.                         
When she tripped and fell over,                             
With his finger he drove her;                               
She was fucked by the finger of faith.                      
                                                            
13414 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1090



A lecherous preacher named Hurd                             
Some doubts in a young maiden stirred.                      
As he patted her rear;                                      
She had nothing to fear,                                    
For he solemnly gave her his word.                          
                                                            
13415 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1037



A handsome gay preacher named Brock,                        
Who lusts after males in his flock,                         
Keeps mumbling beatitudes                                   
And similar platitudes,                                     
But makes most his converts with cock.                      
                                                            
13416 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Armand E Singer       208



There was an old preacher named Walter                      
Who read to two nuns from his psalter.                      
He seduced novice Destry                                    
On a chair in the vestry,                                   
And the other he fucked on the altar.                       
                                                            
13417 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1111



Let me tell you of Hessie the Hooker,                       
Who was not, truth to tell, a great looker.                 
But she put so much soul                                    
Into baring her hole,                                       
Even preacher conventions would book her.                   
                                                            
13418 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Armand E Singer       588



"Hallelujah!" he yelled, "I'm a preacher!                   
God's servant, and what's more, a teacher.                  
I help young girls invent                                   
Sins they can repent,                                       
Which I think is a very nice feature."                      
                                                            
13419 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   John Miller 0253         



There once preached an old hierophant,                      
On the subject of sex most adamant.                         
Anything that deterred                                      
From sex was absurd.                                        
"Fuck Thou" was his singular chant.                         
(hierophant - advocate, priest)                             
13420 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL                       G2698



There once was a preacher named Phil                        
Who was caught with his hand in the till.                   
The bishop, auspicious,                                     
Was clearly suspicious.                                     
We're sure that he's doing it still.                        
                                                            
13421 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Dave Leary          P8502



A most devout preacher named Lake                           
Was more than a bit of a rake;                              
He'd pray, "If you could,                                   
Dear God, make it good,                                     
And as for the ground, let it shake."                       
                                                            
13422 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Armand E Singer       708



A gorgeous voluptuous creature                              
Seduced a young Methodist preacher;                         
It worked out quite well,                                   
For under his spell                                         
This gal's now a Sunday-school teacher.                     
                                                            
13423 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Linda Marsh Coll         



On a trip was the girl of young Beecher                     
And he was not able to reach her,                           
So on Sunday at church,                                     
He conducted research                                       
And proceeded to cornhole the preacher.                     
                                                            
13424 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-0902



A crafty old preacher in Ray                                
Inviegled a choirboy one day                                
Way down in the crypt;                                      
And when there were stripped,                               
He gently intoned, "Let us play."                           
                                                            
13425 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Hugh Oliver         A092B



There was a licentious Lay Preacher                         
Who, meeting a maid, would beseech her                      
To let no false pride                                       
Interfere if he tried,                                      
While laying on hands, to unbreech her.                     
(Is lay-preacher an oxymoron?  Lay-priest is. - McW)        
13426 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Harold C Bibby           



For preachers, commandments are waived.                     
The good lord provides what is craved.                      
A preacher understands                                      
The laying of hands,                                        
And that's how Jemimah got saved.                           
                                                            
13427 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Dennis Taylor            



Colonel Sanders would roll in his grave;                    
Finger lickin's for chicken, you knave!                     
The sister was loose                                        
With her pussy juice,                                       
And that preacher just couldn't behave.                     
                                                            
13428 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Jim Weaver Collection    



A pious old preacher named Dockery                          
Put sanctified water in crockery;                           
Then he sprinkled the floor                                 
Where he screwed an old whore;                              
Thus of her profession made mockery.                        
                                                            
13429 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   listn Chaplin   3024-1004



There was an old preacher named Jock,                       
The best that they ever did clock.                          
He was so slick and fast                                    
That the nuns were aghast;                                  
He wore nothing at all 'neath his frock.                    
                                                            
13430 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1044



A preacher who taught expiation                             
Was arrested for fact fabrication.                          
"Pay for sin with your cash,                                
Not with sackcloth and ash."                                
But the IRS claimed his Salvation.                          
                                                            
13431 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Lois Burgner        T9712



The preacher, my soul will protect                          
As my morals he seeks to correct.                           
As clean living he preaches,                                
In my trousers he reaches                                   
To be certain my prick's not erect.                         
                                                            
13432 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1075



A whore working down in Montgomery                          
Said, "Preachers bore me with their mummery.                
Once given the chance,                                      
They are into your pants,                                   
And forget all their sanctified flummery."                  
                                                            
13433 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL                       G1136



A preacher who lived in Bangkok                             
Had an adjustable cock.                                     
This remarkable feature                                     
Enabled this preacher                                       
To satisfy all of his flock.                                
                                                            
13434 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL                       G1087



Said the preacher to prospector Lee,                        
"You're a sinner, it's quite plain to see.                  
For your own good, I vow,                                   
I will save your soul now,                                  
But your ass, I will save it for me."                       
                                                            
13435 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1051



The preacher, young Reverend McNee,                         
Was horny and sly as could be.                              
He depantsed Miss Block,                                    
Inserted his cock,                                          
Which he told her was just heaven's key.                    
                                                            
13436 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Jim Weaver Collection    



A young bible-thumper named Kees                            
Brought many a gal to her knees.                            
'Tis said that this culprit                                 
Could preach from the pulpit,                               
While giving their buttocks a squeeze.                      
                                                            
13437 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL                            



A big-hearted preacher was Locke;                           
He won the respect of his flock.                            
If a lady discreet                                          
Let him suck on her teat,                                   
She could suck on the knob of his cock.                     
                                                            
13438 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1054



In the 1820's, a preacher,                                  
Said, "Oh children of God, I beseech yer.                   
The Lord's will is surgin';                                 
Please find me a virgin,                                    
Or preferably seven sweet creatures.                        
                                                            
13439 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Tiddy Ogg                



Now this preacher's name I don't know,                      
But the history books say 'tis so.                          
The amazin' thing be,                                       
He got all, four plus three,                                
And all did quite happily go.                               
                                                            
13440 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Tiddy Ogg                



Those history books now cast a screen,                      
Over what happened next, but I mean                         
To say, were it me,                                         
With that quim, young and free                              
From the pox, 'twould be truly obscene.                     
                                                            
13441 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Tiddy Ogg                



And later the people were shocked,                          
And a crowd to the bishop then flocked.                     
So that cunning old prick                                   
Out of office was kicked;                                   
Like the girls, he quite soon was unfrocked.                
                                                            
13442 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Tiddy Ogg                



A presbyter, preaching in Perth,                            
Said, "Sinners abound on this earth."                       
So, straight after dinner,                                  
He sought out a sinner--                                    
And wantoned for all he was worth.                          
                                                            
13443 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Harold C Bibby           



There was an old harlot named Foster                        
Who searched for the preacher who crossed her.              
She requested he pay,                                       
But his answer was, "Nay,                                   
As a whore you were just an impostor."                      
                                                            
13444 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1021



A preacher, suspected as gay,                               
Was caught in the barn, in the hay,                         
In a deacon's embrace,                                      
With a smile on his face,                                   
And their trousers pulled down, all the way.                
                                                            
13445 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Cap'n Bean               



There was a young fellow named Beecher,                     
With thoughts of becoming a teacher.                        
After going around                                          
With all harlots, he found                                  
It was fitting he should be a preacher.                     
                                                            
13446 CLERGY - PREACHERS - IMMORAL   Albin Chaplin            



He spoke on their need for amending                         
Their ways, till he heard cheers ascending.                 
But all that applause --                                    
It's immediate cause                                        
Was a pause they'd mistook for an ending.                   
                                                            
13447 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     Laurence Perrine    P8503



An old Texas preacher called Zeke                           
At length taught his asshole to speak!                      
Oft' times it was liable                                    
To quote from the bible,                                    
But chili would make the thing shriek!                      
                                                            
13448 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY                              



There one was a preacher named Blind                        
Who preached out of all time and mind.                      
His poor congregation                                       
To prevent constipation                                     
Put firecrackers up his behind.                             
                                                            
13449 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY                              



The preacher, word-monger superb,                           
Is expert in double-talk verb.                              
He's the cunning confuser                                   
And the able abuser,                                        
And the devious dispenser of blurb.                         
                                                            
13450 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     Albin Chaplin 3024  P9308



A slothful preacher in Bangor                               
Delivered his sermons with languor.                         
He'd no sooner get started                                  
That the people departed,                                   
In rather more sorrow than anger.                           
                                                            
13451 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     Casey Renn          P8702



I ain't aimin' here for impeachin'                          
The woman or man who does preachin'.                        
But yellin' and sighin'                                     
Sounds just like that flyin'                                
Old buzzard up yonder there screechin'!                     
                                                            
13452 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY                              



A Methodist preacher called Leslie                          
Discovered a phrase in John Wesley,                         
"The rock of the church".                                   
Now Sundays he'll lurch                                     
In the pulpit to music of Presley!                          
                                                            
13453 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     Prof M-G                 



A preacher, expounding on "sin",                            
Made his point again and again...                           
"Twas easy to tell                                          
He had prepared well,                                       
But forgot to bring his "amen".                             
                                                            
13454 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     Observer                 



A preacher, the folks say down South,                       
Is a man who in good times and drought,                     
Makes more than enough                                      
Of that green folding stuff,                                
By using no more than his mouth.                            
                                                            
13455 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     A. N. Wilkins       P8706



There once was an orthodox preacher                         
Who fancied himself the best teacher.                       
His was the technique,                                      
Negative and oblique,                                       
To scare Hell out of every creature.                        
                                                            
13456 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     Don Ping                 



"As the things which are Caesar's and pelf                  
Are affairs," said a preacher from Guelph,                  
"Which have no attraction                                   
For the Lord, my reaction                                   
Is to keep the spondulix myself."                           
(spondulix - small coins)                                   
13457 CLERGY - PREACHERS - WINDY     A. N. Wilkins       P8706



Not blessed with a sweet disposition,                       
Young Alex seemed doomed to perdition,                      
Till one day by chance,                                     
His priest's furtive glance,                                
Gave rise to an act of contrition.                          
                                                            
13458 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Paul M. Hoffman          



Says a priest as invective he hurls,                        
And his upper lip angrily curls:                            
"Pervert priests who are gay                                
Must be sent on their way.                                  
And why can't we have altar girls?"                         
                                                            
13459 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



"You are old, Father William, and so                        
How is it, I'd sure like to know,                           
How these girls you attract?"                               
"Young man, it's a fact,                                    
In my pockets they find lots of dough."                     
                                                            
13460 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                        



There was a young priest from Gibralter,                    
On his record, he was a defaulter.                          
Picked up once or twice                                     
For events that weren't nice,                               
Not the man you'd expect with a psalter.                    
                                                            
13461 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow named Brechtly                     
Who said to the preacher, abjectly,                         
"Your blessing won't cure."                                 
But the priest said, "I'm sure                              
It would work if you used it correctly."                    
                                                            
13462 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0988



Can't comment on being a Pere,                              
A calling that I do not share.                              
But as for the clap                                         
And some STD crap,                                          
Well, did her, done that and been there.                    
                                                            
13463 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a boring Irish priest,                       
Whose sermons one felt never ceased.                        
His hearers, en masse,                                      
Got fatigued to the ass,                                    
And slept through the most sacred Feast.                    
                                                            
13464 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Linda Marsh Coll         



Father Patrick advised Molly Dunn                           
How the rearing of kids should be done.                     
Molly said, "God in heaven!                                 
He tells me, with my seven,                                 
The good priest, Father Pat, with his none!"                
                                                            
13465 CLERGY - PRIESTS               William N Nesbit    P0206



A very chaste priest, says report,                          
Though leering at nuns might resort,                        
According to buzz,                                          
ANOMALY was                                                 
Remaining the celibate sort.                                
                                                            
13466 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Chris Papa               



A priest and a nun on a date.                               
Just after they frugally ate,                               
Unlike you and I                                            
Will just say "Goodbye",                                    
Translated to "Let's celibate."                             
                                                            
13467 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Irving Superior     P9312



To a child who tossed rocks at a rood,                      
Said a priest, "Your behavior was rude,                     
And without expiation,                                      
You will pay with damnation --                              
Your rock-tossing eternally rued."                          
                                                            
13468 CLERGY - PRIESTS               John Sandler        P9112



A priest, bent on brightening coal-mining                   
Tried some underground fashion-designing.                   
The hard helmet, for balance,                               
Would now carry a valence,                                  
With gold tassels and splendid silk lining.                 
                                                            
13469 CLERGY - PRIESTS               X. Rowland Burnham  P8512



I was courting a girl from the East,                        
Who was Ipswitch's first woman priest.                      
She was tall, blonde, and lissome                           
And loved exorcism;                                         
Dial 666 and ask for the Beast.                             
                                                            
13470 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Bill Wall                



A priest with no sense of propriety                         
Had odd ways of expressing his piety.                       
Holy wine much he drank,                                    
To his knees he then sank,                                  
Sacrificing to God, his sobriety.                           
                                                            
13471 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Kathleen A. Martin  P8301



A lady Episcopal priest                                     
Spiked her masses with spice and with yeast.                
This fool for her God                                       
Thought it not at all odd                                   
To say, "Soup's On! Let's all keep the feast!"              
                                                            
13472 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Robin K. Willoughby P8707



A young priest at prayer was DISTRAIT,                      
Because on the previous day,                                
He started obsession                                        
From bold confession,                                       
Which detailed exciting foreplay.                           
                                                            
13473 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Chris Papa               



My aunt's poor old heart ceased to function.                
"Father Heep..." was her final injunction...                
I said to that priest,                                      
A cold smarmy beast,                                        
"Bit extreme, is it not, all this unction?"                 
                                                            
13474 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Raceway                  



There was a fat priest from St. Giles,                      
Who was much too wide for the aisles.                       
Passing to and from Mass,                                   
The pews pinched his ass,                                   
And gave him a bad case of piles.                           
                                                            
13475 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                   G1156



A soldier who came from the coast                           
Of prowess in fighting did boast.                           
He feared no man or beast                                   
Except bishop or priest,                                    
For the man who feared God, he feared most.                 
                                                            
13476 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1998



A pious old priest name of Mickel                           
With finger did beckon Miss Schickel.                       
She obeyed his command                                      
But he got out of hand,                                     
And the finger of faith turned out fickle.                  
                                                            
13477 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin            



There once was a priest, Father Nin,                        
Who was frequently seen with a grin.                        
The reason was clear,                                       
He did not like beer,                                       
But was fond of his vodka and gin.                          
                                                            
13478 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Nat Rudolf               



A poor priest of Venice in Italy                            
Grieves the state that his den is in bitterly.              
All four walls are nude,                                    
Like his thoughts, oh so crude,                             
But he can't display any sin liter'ly.                      
                                                            
13479 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Ola Strom           P8911



A moral young girl from the East                            
Rejected a cunt-struck young beast.                         
She'd avoid an affair                                       
And her cross she did bear                                  
Till her fuck-hole was blest by the priest.                 
                                                            
13480 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1335



The chemists are working like beasts,                       
Fomenting solutions like yeasts,                            
To make sprays for the bugs,                                
Politicans and thugs,                                       
And a spray to get rid of all priests.                      
                                                            
13481 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0972



The priest lives a good life on earth                       
While providing a heavenly berth                            
At a price.  For his flock,                                 
They grow thin as a stalk,                                  
While his belly increases in girth.                         
                                                            
13482 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1008



As he preached on St. Peter's epistle,                      
A slumberer made the priest bristle.                        
The dreamer was floored                                     
As soon as he snored,                                       
Struck down by the priest's guided Missal.                  
                                                            
13483 CLERGY - PRIESTS               LIM-R-IDDLES        P8411



Abstention would mean to a priest                           
That all of his hormones had ceased.                        
And if there's a yen                                        
To see it again,                                            
No use if he sprinkle with yeast.                           
                                                            
13484 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Irving Superior     P9708



There once was a priest of Gibraltar,                       
Who wrote dirty jokes in his psalter.                       
An inhibited nun,                                           
Who had read every one,                                     
Made a vow to be laid on his altar.                         
                                                            
13485 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                   L0549



As offkey, the priest sang Introit.                         
At his first springtime mass in Detroit.                    
Lightning crashed through the pew,                          
And a couple, mid-screw:                                    
God blasting them for their exploit.                        
                                                            
13486 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                   G1117



A celibate priest name of Teeple,                           
Harangued against sex from the steeple.                     
But he was arbitrary,                                       
He resigned and did marry,                                  
So that he could be just like lay people.                   
                                                            
13487 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin            



An old Lithuanian priest                                    
Was endowed with some sugar and yeast.                      
When the barley was grown,                                  
He had hop(e)s of his own,                                  
So the spirit got high for a feast.                         
                                                            
13488 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P9506



There was a young priest of Dun Leary,                      
Who stood on his head in the Kyrie.                         
When people asked why,                                      
He said in reply,                                           
"It's the latest luturgical theory."                        
                                                            
13489 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Anon                     



The priest said, "I don't find amusing                      
This Playboy magazine I'm perusing.                         
I sure can see                                              
It's not for me.                                            
No more sex but I still love boozing."                      
                                                            
13490 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Tom Patton          P9708



Said the priest to St. Peter "I knew,                       
I could perform a great service for you.                    
Come stand by this gate,                                    
And we'll both masturbate.                                  
'Til the gate regains its pearly hue."                      
                                                            
13491 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                        



"Oh lift up thine eyes to the Lord!"                        
Cried the priest from his misericord.                       
While they worshipped and prayed,                           
With his knob-end he played,                                
As he dreamed of his housekeeper Maude.)                    
                                                            
13492 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                        



A priest from Rhode Island named Kirk,                      
Had a crass and unusual quirk:                              
The duration of Lent,                                       
Wherever he went,                                           
The most he would wear was a smirk.                         
                                                            
13493 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Cap'n Bean          P0310



Insisted a priest from St. Lou,                             
"Now something you simply don't do,                         
Such as suck a pig's cock,                                  
Put your wife's jewels in hock,                             
Or jack yourself off in a pew."                             
                                                            
13494 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Armand E Singer       689



A priest with a sacred appointment                          
Was arrested for skipping anointment.                       
'Twas not being greased                                     
That bothered the priest,                                   
So much as a fly in the ointment.                           
                                                            
13495 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Cybergeezer              



A priest in old Donegal                                     
Said, "Oh no, not at all, not at all."                      
Now that's all he said                                      
Till the day he was dead.                                   
He thought he was having a ball.                            
                                                            
13496 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Michael Palin            



Now just step inside, 'hind the curtain.                    
You're perfectly safe, I am certain.                        
My motives are pure,                                        
And you can be sure                                         
For women, I'm really not hurtin'.                          
                                                            
13497 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Frank Fazed              



"I've given up nuns for a while,"                           
Said Father O'Toole with a smile                            
Of wistfulness.  "Why?                                      
'Cause they're fitter than I,                               
And they run like the wind up the aisle."                   
                                                            
13498 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Peter Wilkins            



Said the priest to the harlot, O'Keefe,                     
"Your response to the faith is too brief."                  
She said, "By comparison,                                   
A big well-hung Saracen                                     
Would do more to enhance my belief."                        
                                                            
13499 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1622



The accountant was telling the pope,                        
Finances were far beyond hope.                              
"Since the recent lawsuits                                  
Over priests who were fruits,                               
We buy far too much soap on a rope"                         
                                                            
13500 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Father Edmund's good honor was tainted,                     
In displaying the nudes he had painted;                     
Elder Sister McTwit                                         
Had an absolute fit,                                        
And the Bishop Bartholomew fainted.                         
                                                            
13501 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Cap'n Bean               



The pious old priest of St. Moak,                           
Damnation and hell did evoke                                
On the sinners that whored                                  
And broke faith with the Lord;                              
He went off in his pants as he spoke.                       
                                                            
13502 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1083



Went out with a new man last week;                          
It turned out that he was a freak.                          
Had eight hands -- at least,                                
And he was a priest!                                        
Next time I'll hold out for a geek.                         
                                                            
13503 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                        



A novice young priest, fresh and green,                     
Was entranced by perversions obscene.                       
All manner of thuggery,                                     
Rape, theft, and buggery,                                   
Were taught by his Holiness the Dean.                       
                                                            
13504 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Anon                     



A Catholic priest, Father Baer,                             
Displayed, with a pride all too rare,                       
His precious ex-voto,   (not a clue - McW)                  
And autographed photo                                       
Of Christ in his long underwear.                            
                                                            
13505 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Armand E Singer       410



Said the playful young priest name of Babbitt,              
"If I toss you the ball, will you grab it?"                 
Said the nun with a smile,                                  
"I will play for a while,                                   
If you do not get into the habit."                          
                                                            
13506 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0969



To the fit and trim priest, Father Wise,                    
It was told, "Your physique is a prize.                     
Pray, how do you do it?"                                    
"There's no praying to it,"                                 
He replied, "It's all exorcise."                            
                                                            
13507 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9408



Bewails our old priest, Father Cass,                        
Who hurts so bad, he can't say Mass.                        
"My painful psoriasis                                       
The talk of the diocese,                                    
Is worse that a case of sore ass."                          
                                                            
13508 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Armand E Singer       862



There was a young priest name Delaney                       
Who said to the girls, "Nota bene,                          
I've seen how you swish up                                  
Your skirts at the bishop,                                  
Whenever the weather is rainy."                             
(Nota bene - this is important)                             
13509 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Oliver Gogarty      L1408



Sir Edward, we ne'er thought you'd fail us,                 
But your action is not going to rail us.                    
You may keep your ould glass;                               
Stick it up in your ass;                                    
Yours faithfully, Father Fideles.                           
(Cork exibition 1903 refused excess glass to Capuchians)    
13510 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Mylar Magrath       P0310



There were twenty-two passengers crammed                    
On the boat when the flood water slammed                    
It from West unto East                                      
With such force that a priest                               
Cried out, "May this river be damned!"                      
                                                            
13511 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Laurence Perrine    P8802



Said a wise old padre from Cape Cod,                        
"That the function laid on us by God                        
To ensure human birth                                       
Should be subject of mirth,                                 
Is surely exceedingly odd."                                 
                                                            
13512 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                   G2286



A priest who got up with the dawn                           
Saw a lass near a church in Gougane,                        
'Excuse me, dear Miss,                                      
It's sinful to piss,                                        
On the sacred and blessed green lawn.'                      
                                                            
13513 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Myler Magrath       P8605



A Shinto priest out in Japan                                
Has a horrible sexual plan:                                 
His soul burns and festers                                  
For the ghosts of ancestors,                                
And he writes all their names in the can.                   
                                                            
13514 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                   G1119



A priest who sniffed panties, named West,                   
His obsession defended with zest.                           
This pursuit, he did claim,                                 
Although not the best game,                                 
Yet in truth it was next to the best.                       
                                                            
13515 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1113



There was a young priest name of Weltham,                   
Who wouldn't fuck girls, but he felt 'em.                   
In the pews he would linger,                                
And play at stink finger,                                   
And scream with delight when he smelt 'em.                  
                                                            
13516 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                   L0545



A month, and you've not been to Bess?                       
And sheep you molest even less?                             
You must be a priest;                                       
Like all your boys greased --                               
Then go to the Pope to confess.                             
                                                            
13517 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                        



There was an old man from the East                          
Who prayed at the holy day feast:                           
When the last King's tongue dangled                         
After he had been strangled                                 
With the robes of the very last priest.                     
                                                            
13518 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin 3024  P9005



It was painful when Father McGass                           
Interrupted his fart during mass.                           
But he won the good fight!                                  
And the text for the night?                                 
"Be not troubled, for this too shall pass."                 
                                                            
13519 CLERGY - PRIESTS               William N. Newbit   P9605



"Too much," said the priest from the mission,               
"For viewing the cunt exhibition."                          
So he looked with dejection                                 
At his asshole reflection,                                  
And he thus saved the price of admission.                   
                                                            
13520 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1062



An immigrant churchgoer, Herman,                            
Did not understand Father's sermon,                         
As he sat on the bench,                                     
Because Father spoke French,                                
And poor Herman spoke nothing but German.                   
                                                            
13521 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Cap'n Bean          P0206



That hot-blooded priest, Father Dunn,                       
Enamored with a comely nun,                                 
Doffed alb after chasuble                                   
But found her impassable --                                 
"A virgin," he panted, "She's won!"                         
                                                            
13522 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Armand E Singer       750



The monsignor told his nemesis,                             
A most shapely seductive young miss,                        
"You wish me to besmirch                                    
My vow to Mother Church.                                    
That's my premise on the premises."                         
                                                            
13523 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9708



The priest told a lad to divest of it.                      
He said, "You must tell all the rest of it."                
So the young lad did blurt                                  
How he fucked Dirty Gert.                                   
He felt good when he made a clean breast of it.             
                                                            
13524 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0113



A woman got very upset                                      
When, kneeling, she tore her corset.                        
In the middle of Mass                                       
The priest saw her ass,                                     
And prayed he would never forget.                           
                                                            
13525 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Lims For Year - 01       



To the church went a poor ragged maid                       
And knelt at the altar and prayed,                          
Without realizing                                           
A priest scrutinizing                                       
A spot where her panties were frayed.                       
                                                            
13526 CLERGY - PRIESTS               Bob Giandomenico    P8802



There once was a pious young priest,                        
Who lived almost wholly on yeast.                           
"For," he said "it's plain                                  
We must rise again,                                         
And I wanted to get started, at least."                     
                                                            
13527 CLERGY - PRIESTS                                        



Altar girls now help priests to save souls.                 
Lighting candles at Mass are new roles.                     
Pederasty (don't laugh)                                     
Will now be cut in half,                                    
For the priest has the choice of two holes.                 
                                                            
13528 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Al Chaplin          P9405



There's a priest, quite perverse, in Tangier                
Who is fond of an Arab boy's rear.                          
Though it surely would shock                                
All the folks in his flock,                                 
Ecumenically speaking, he's queer.                          
                                                            
13529 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                         G1163



I know a young priest of Mayence                            
Whose pecker is simply immense.                             
He's unable to fuck                                         
Unless by good luck                                         
The brothers have extra-large vents.                        
                                                            
13530 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                         G1134



A modern monk nicknamed Augustin,                           
His penis a boy's bottom thrust in.                         
Then said Father Ignatius,                                  
"Now really!  Good gracious!                                
You conduct is really disgustin'."                          
                                                            
13531 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                         G0532



Father Donnelly lay on the grass,                           
With a dornicker probing his ass.                           
When the fellow proved slow,                                
He said, "Look, come and go;                                
For I've got to get back and say Mass."                     
                                                            
13532 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                         G1114



There was a wee bonnie young lass,                          
A pure fresh-cheeked girl from Belfast,                     
Liked to kneel down to pray                                 
With Father O'Day,                                          
Who'd put his shillelagh up her ass!                        
                                                            
13533 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Curelty Jones       T9710



A choirboy who came from the East,                          
Was screwed by a dissolute priest.                          
We have to admit                                            
That caused holy shit,                                      
And his ass-hole size greatly increased.                    
                                                            
13534 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



The infamous Countess de Beers                              
Got mixed up with Cuban priest queers;                      
With the aid of a dildo                                     
In a secret cabildo,                                        
She forthwith deflowered their rears.                       
                                                            
13535 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Armand E Singer       157



Father Tommy is bound for perdition;                        
In his parish he formed this tradition.                     
He forces his lance                                         
In the choir boys' pants,                                   
While they pray in Islamic position.                        
                                                            
13536 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0211



Your typical priest, Bishop Jonas:                          
He thinks he's the Catholic Adonis;                         
His pride and his joy:                                      
A succulent boy,                                            
Plus a lecherous nun as a bonus.                            
                                                            
13537 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Armand Singer       P0207



(A-rat-a-tat tat.) "Hello, Pope!"                           
"It's Sister Patricia, you dope."                           
"It isn't at all."                                          
"Well OK then, I'm Paul                                     
And I'm broke and afraid I can't cope."                     
                                                            
13538 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                              



"You're pimping for lira? I'm shocked."                     
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have knocked."                      
"But why are you nude,                                      
You Italian pseud?"                                         
"I've been villified <sob> and defrocked."                  
                                                            
13539 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                              



"But why masquerade as a nun?"                              
"My mind has unravelled, my son;                            
I thought .."  "Never mind                                  
What you thought; get behind                                
Me!"  (At that he went off at a run.)                       
                                                            
13540 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                              



When it comes to a boy at the altar                         
Good clergymen stumble and falter--                         
Yes a priest will ditch mass                                
For a piece of male ass--                                   
But a nun?  Why, he'd never assault 'er!                    
                                                            
13541 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Brian Belge              



The whole thing is much more depressin'                     
Than an extra long Sunday school lesson --                  
To a good boy's chagrin,                                    
A bad priest will sin,                                      
And count it as some kind of blessin'!                      
                                                            
13542 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Brian Belge              



"The commandments prohibit adultery,"                       
Explained scholarly old Father Doug to me.                  
"So for sexual joy,                                         
I employ a plump boy;                                       
The commandments do NOT mention buggery."                   
                                                            
13543 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0211



She was wearing a tight skimpy halter,                      
And smiled as she knelt at the altar.                       
Father Tom said, "No way!                                   
With you I won't play;                                      
I'd rather do altar boy Walter."                            
                                                            
13544 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0211



There once was a priest named McGrath                       
Who would fuck anything in his path.                        
With speed most uncanny                                     
He ravished the fanny                                       
Of his granny bent over her bath.                           
                                                            
13545 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                         G1003



They had sex in the church with great poise;                
The clergy made a terrible noise.                           
Their action was base                                       
And in the wrong place;                                     
That's reserved for priests buggering boys.                 
                                                            
13546 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



There was an old priest of Lapeer;                          
A pious old man and austere.                                
He recited a psalm                                          
Which would keep the sheep calm,                            
While he buggered the beasts from the rear.                 
                                                            
13547 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Albin Chaplin   3024-1156



As he came in his chubby choirboy,                          
Father Burke said, "There's no greater Joy!                 
If no sodomy leavens                                        
Any possible heavens,                                       
Existence will merely annoy."                               
                                                            
13548 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY                         G1097



There once was a priest of Gibralter,                       
Used a Chinaman's ass for an altar.                         
He said, "Nostradamus!                                      
My God! What an anus!                                       
As he wiped off his cock on the psalter.                    
                                                            
13549 CLERGY - PRIESTS - BUGGERY     Tony Davie Collection    



I thought I'd confess to my priest                          
How the Devil had made me a beast;                          
But my sins weren't assuaged,                               
For I found him engaged                                     
In a wild Bacchanalian feast.                               
                                                            
13550 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Peter Wilkins            



Confessing his penchant for dames,                          
The reprobate confessed all his shames.                     
Said the priest "Was it Anne,                               
Lucy, Kate, or Suzanne?"                                    
"No, but thanks for the leads on the names!"                
                                                            
13551 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Res Ipsa                 



Because young people were taken in,                         
The laity caused such a din;                                
Corrections at least                                        
Were transferred to the priest,                             
Which, by Law, is a cardinal sin.                           
                                                            
13552 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Tom Patton          P0303



"Oh Father! I have a confession!                            
Prostitution's my chosen profession.                        
But please pardon my sin,"                                  
She said with a grin,                                       
"And I'll give you a half-price concession.                 
                                                            
13553 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  CyberCelt          TP9804



Said the priest to the hooker, "My dear,                    
Please step in the booth over here.                         
You say your confessions;                                   
Detail your transgressions.                                 
You'll probably be here all year."                          
                                                            
13554 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  MrMalo                   



There was a most stupid Confessor,                          
Who counselled each contrite transgressor,                  
"If you'll put an amount                                    
In my private account,                                      
You penance will be so much lesser."                        
                                                            
13555 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Harold C Bibby           



The priest in the dark wooden booth                         
Was hearing confessions from Ruth;                          
As she spilled out her sins,                                
He would crack into grins,                                  
In a manner expressly uncouth.                              
                                                            
13556 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Cap'n Bean          P0303



I went to confession today.                                 
Father Sheamus said, "Pete, let us pray."                   
And, oh wondrous surprise                                   
When I opened my eyes,                                      
There before me, stark naked, stood Kay.                    
                                                            
13557 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Peter Wilkins            



Her father confessor confessed                              
That he always felt rather depressed                        
When listening in                                           
To absolve her new sin,                                     
And wanting to see her undressed.                           
                                                            
13558 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Bill Backe-Hansen   P9305



A priest set himself a great goal                           
On a shoal he would like to control,                        
And get out of deep water.                                  
He told a reporter,                                         
Confession is good for the sole.                            
                                                            
13559 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Bill Backe-Hansen   P9305



Step into a booth with a priest?                            
Why he'd soon be having a feast!                            
Tell him all my sins?                                       
Give him my Bingo wins?                                     
The old sod just wants his pole greased!                    
                                                            
13560 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Spuddie                  



A religious young lady named Pitts                          
Lets lechers ram home where she splits.                     
Later on, at confession,                                    
She lists in succession                                     
All the lewd, lustful acts she commits.                     
                                                            
13561 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION                      G1148



"I jerk off in the shower," said Dean                       
Through his church's confessional screen.                   
"Oh, dear," said the priest,                                
"That's a sin, but at least,                                
What's important is that you've come clean."                
                                                            
13562 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Jerry Nordal        P0301



Confession of wanking's not rare,                           
So give the good Father a scare,                            
Which will turn him green.                                  
Whisper through the screen,                                 
"Is there toilet paper in there?"                           
                                                            
13563 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Frank Fazed              



"Oh Father! I have a confession!                            
I'm employed in the oldest profession!"                     
Abstinent for too long,                                     
He pulled out his schlong,                                  
And said, "Honey, come give me a lesson!"                   
                                                            
13564 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Swordfish          TP9806



"Friar Murphy", said young Sister Bridget,                  
A-squirming and all of a fidget,                            
"I'm sorry to say,                                          
And confess every day,                                      
That I diddle myself with my digit."                        
                                                            
13565 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Peter Wilkins            



"God bless you, my daughter," he said,                      
"I forgive you.  There's nothing to dread."                 
(And he fingered his pole                                   
As he thought of the hole                                   
In the ceiling right over her bed.)                         
                                                            
13566 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Peter Wilkins            



Inside the confessional box,                                
Father Flanagan never wears socks.                          
The confessions of Bridget                                  
Though cause him to fidget                                  
And take off his vestments and jocks.                       
                                                            
13567 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Father," said young Sister Bridget,                     
A-squirming and all of a fidget,                            
"I'm sorry to say                                           
And confess -- every day                                    
That I diddle myself with my digit."                        
                                                            
13568 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Peter Wilkins            



"Oh, Father, I have a confession!                           
Sex has become my obsession!"                               
"Let's see just how bad                                     
You've got it, my lad."                                     
And he coaxed him into undressin'.                          
                                                            
13569 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Marty              TP9807



A pretty young coed named Lynde,                            
Said "Father, three times I have sinned,                    
As I played with my tit,                                    
While I rubbed on my clit,                                  
I came, and then pissed and passed wind."                   
                                                            
13570 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Bob Birch           P0303



Oh, Father, forgive me, please do.                          
'Twas only one innocent screw.                              
I know it's not right,                                      
But it lasted all night.                                    
Well, it actually lasted for two.                           
                                                            
13571 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Bob Birch           P0303



Please Father, don't think me a whore,                      
But I think I will do it some more.                         
'Twas really great fun.                                     
Forget I'm a nun.                                           
If only my pussy weren't sore.                              
                                                            
13572 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Bob Birch           P0303



I really could fuck like a rabbit,                          
I'd do you, and the pope, and the abbot.                    
With sin I'm afflicted,                                     
With sex I'm addicted,                                      
I think I must give up my habit.                            
                                                            
13573 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Bob Birch           P0303



A Catholic priest says he's the man                         
Who leaves innocent kid in the can.                         
Knew the truth all along                                    
But did not sing his song;                                  
Religion like that needs a ban.                             
                                                            
13574 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Tony Burrell             



For twelve years the poor kid's in jail;                    
This injustice is to no avail.                              
When guilty man dies,                                       
The priest he then cries,                                   
Let him out or at least give him bail.                      
                                                            
13575 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Tony Brasell             



So who do we blame for this farce;                          
The priest who sat on his arse?                             
The kid was defiled;                                        
The priest is reviled;                                      
Into fires of hell, he'll be cast.                          
                                                            
13576 CLERGY - PRIESTS - CONFESSION  Tony Burrell             



An Irish priest from New Delhi                              
Tattooed "The Lord's Prayer" on his belly.                  
When along came a Brahmin,                                  
Who read down to the "Amen",                                
And blew both salvation and Kelly!                          
                                                            
13577 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Carl L Murray            



At confession, a man named McGuinn                          
Said, "Father, forgive me my sin.                           
I'm not gay, I'm straight,                                  
But temptation is great.                                    
And last night I blew it again."                            
                                                            
13578 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Wiley                    



The priest said, "It's alright, my son.                     
As long as it's not overdone."                              
We all have a quirk;                                        
"For me," he said with a smirk,                             
"Altar boys are more fun than a nun."                       
                                                            
13579 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        S C Saint                



I snuck into church the back way;                           
(They've barred me for life and a day).                     
I got me some pix                                           
Of priests blowing dicks.                                   
The negatives? Send me my pay!                              
                                                            
13580 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        H Welchel                



You need only mention my name                               
To receive a visit from same!                               
I'll bless you, my sons,                                    
(And nibble your buns!)                                     
And set your sweet parts all aflame!                        
                                                            
13581 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL                                 



Said St. Peter, "I can't let you in",                       
To the priest who had goo on his chin,                      
"You've been chewing the dong                               
Of the Pope all year long;                                  
Don't you know it's a Cardinal Sin?"                        
                                                            
13582 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Peter Wilkins            



A thoughtful and sensitive priest,                          
Whose prayers and good works never ceased,                  
Went out for some fun                                       
Cross-dressed as a nun                                      
And became a ravening beast.                                
                                                            
13583 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Jim Jambor          P9009



A priest, a disgusting old queer,                           
Used to lick his choir-boys in the rear.                    
When they asked, "Is it right?"                             
He said, "Yes, in God's sight,                              
If you'll bend over this prie-dieu."                        
(prie-dieu - pronounced pre-dee-er - low prayer table)      
13584 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL                                 



"You are old, Father Bill, you old goat,                    
And small and so wrinkled your scrote,"                     
Said Susie, a-goggle,                                       
Out spitting his toggle,                                    
"But you still shoot a load down my throat."                
                                                            
13585 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL                                 



A big Catholic layman named Fox,                            
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.                      
In spells of depression,                                    
He goes to confession,                                      
And jacks-off the priest in his box.                        
                                                            
13586 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL                            L0546



The nun didn't want to be bred,                             
So the old priest just smiled and he said,                  
"It's really quite simple,                                  
Just take off your wimple,                                  
And give it a big kiss, instead."                           
                                                            
13587 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Kaylin                   



What you need, Augustine, is sex toys;                      
Or perhaps try a few altar boys.                            
Stand up on the dais;                                       
Put your cock in his face.                                  
It is one of a priest's greatest joys.                      
                                                            
13588 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL                                 



There was an old priest of Jablonica,                       
Cunt-struck was the poor bastard's monicker.                
In the middle of Mass,                                      
He grabbed a girl's ass,                                    
And sucked her off like a harmonica.                        
                                                            
13589 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL                            G1118



"You are old, Father William," the young                    
Girl said, "and not very well hung;                         
But just to be fickle,                                      
You surely can tickle                                       
A girl with that extra long tongue."                        
                                                            
13590 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL                                 



A bashful young priest once, a Druid,                       
Would run from a nun when pursued.                          
One kissed him with zest                                    
Which left him distressed,                                  
And he lost all his seminal fluid.                          
                                                            
13591 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Albin Chaplin 3024  G1103



We all adore dear Father Dunn;                              
Of secular traits has but one.                              
He is pius and meek                                         
And for six days a week                                     
Dines on meat but on Fridays eats nun.                      
                                                            
13592 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Bob Giandomenico    P8907



A pious old priest Father Lux                               
Gets a deal from a nun for ten bucks.                       
When he raises his gown,                                    
The nun chants and goes down,                               
And his bible he reads while she sucks.                     
                                                            
13593 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Albin Chaplin            



Young Father O'Rourke had no shame;                         
During mass, pulled his dong out aflame.                    
Anna, nearest the pulpit,                                   
Proceeded to gulp it;                                       
"Hosanna!" he cried as he came.                             
                                                            
13594 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Peter Wilkins            



She gulped it down, cried "That was fine!                   
'Twas filled with the spirit divine.                        
I'll go really mooney on                                    
This special communion,                                     
Far better than bread and cheap wine.                       
                                                            
13595 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Tiddy                    



A smile was on Father LaBrent,                              
For his wad had been heavenly spent                         
By Sister Louise,                                           
Who was down on her knees.                                  
He declared it a blessed event!                             
                                                            
13596 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Cap'n Bean          P0107



At confession a fellow named Locke                          
Described to the priest in great shock                      
How a cunt he had sucked.                                   
Said the priest, "I deduct,                                 
For your sin, you must suck on my cock."                    
                                                            
13597 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Albin Chaplin   3024-1053



An earthy old priest from Morocco,                          
Held a motto really quite macho.                            
He said, with a grunt,                                      
"God decreed we eat cunt,                                   
Why else would it look like a taco."                        
                                                            
13598 CLERGY - PRIESTS - ORAL        Jim Weaver Collection    



SACERDOTAL need of altar boys                               
Is to perform as sexual toys.                               
This form of balling                                        
Seems part of the "calling".                                
And has created considerable noise.                         
                                                            
13599 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Norm Brust               



There once was a choir boy named Walter                     
Who was singing a hymn from his psalter.                    
Said good Father Greer                                      
Who approached Walter's rear                                
"I'll plug in, so your voice doesn't falter."               
                                                            
13600 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0211



On taking a roofie one night,                               
The altar boy got quite a fright.                           
He was tied up and bound                                    
And later was found,                                        
With an asshole that wasn't as tight.                       
                                                            
13601 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Big Nuts                 



Said the Bishop assigned at Fort Meyer,                     
To his harem, the boys of the choir,                        
"I'm sure this'll thrill ya,                                
I've outgrown pedophilia.                                   
From now on it's the priest, monk, and friar."              
                                                            
13602 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Arthur Deex         P0204



The Bishop told the novice, "No riddle;                     
Celbacy makes you high-strung as a fiddle.                  
Buy you can live your whole life                            
Without missing a wife,                                     
As long as they're young lads to diddle!"                   
                                                            
13603 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Dave Fisher              



A heathengone priestman from Hiermoyce,                     
Who no longer believed in a higher voice,                   
By bishops got courted,                                     
But was career-aborted                                      
And lost all his access to choirboys.                       
                                                            
13604 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Snaggletooth             



As to priestly behavior, perverse,                          
Cardinal Law says, "Hey, it could be worse.                 
According to the Bible,                                     
The Church is not liable."                                  
He then quoted chapter and verse.                           
                                                            
13605 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Norm Brust               



Said a young man in an altar robe,                          
"Father thinks I'm not a homophobe.                         
If the price is right,                                      
I will squeeze him tight,                                   
Only if the church will start a probe."                     
                                                            
13606 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Tom Patton          P0305



An altar boy by the name of Cass,                           
Stayed late after one Sunday Mass.                          
It caused quite a mess,                                     
As Father said "God Bless,"                                 
As he annointed the altar boy's ass.                        
                                                            
13607 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Jim Weaver Collection    



The celibate Priests always cheat us                        
For they cannot stand a dead foetus                         
They'd much rather come                                     
With pricks up their bum,                                   
And younger boys sucking their meatus.                      
                                                            
13608 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE                            



When priests become ever so randy,                          
They diddle young lads and say, "Dandy!                     
Although we're perverse,                                    
Abortion is worse,                                          
And justification is handy!"                                
                                                            
13609 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE                            



As always you're so very right                              
Your wordage is neat and so tight.                          
But don't get them pissed -                                 
You'll be on the list                                       
And the fires of Hell you'll ignite                         
                                                            
13610 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE                            



For they are the ones who decide                            
To Hell or to Heaven you'll ride.                           
Don't upset their game;                                     
Your name they'll defame;                                   
Accuse you of Vaticancide.                                  
                                                            
13611 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE                            



Thought a priest in confessional booth,                     
"I love this job; that's the plain truth.                   
I'm always inspired                                         
And seldom get tired...                                     
It's a virtual Fountain of Youth!                           
                                                            
13612 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Observer                 



The "Youth" of his church made him smile,                   
As he watched them traipsing down the aisle.                
Now, no longer feared,                                      
His smile's disappeared;                                    
He's in a cell waiting for trial.                           
                                                            
13613 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Observer                 



The shoe on the other foot's worn;                          
He's feeling withdrawn and forlorn.                         
While cell-mate is winking,                                 
He's now time for thinking,                                 
Regretting the day he was born.                             
                                                            
13614 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Observer                 



When John Geoghan was at last arraigned,                    
The Catholic Church then explained:                         
Though we gave him the flock                                
Where he lifted his frock,                                  
The outcome was not pre-ordained.                           
                                                            
13615 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Limerick Savant          



But Geoghan was simply a blip                               
On the radar of a Fool's ship.                              
It begins to appear                                         
That the scandal to fear                                    
Is arch bishops exposed just the tip.                       
                                                            
13616 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Limerick Savant          



When the priest was confirming Miss Noyes,                  
She lifted his cassock with poise                           
She fondled his schwanz,                                    
But there was no response,                                  
Since he used it, he said, just for boys.                   
                                                            
13617 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Albin Chaplin            



The celibate old Father Gahagan                             
Was never turned on by Miss Megan.                          
But the sight of young boys                                 
Which were his little toys                                  
Could oft turn him into a pagan.                            
                                                            
13618 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Archie                   



At confession a fellow once said,                           
"My girlfriend is pregnant!  I'm dead."                     
The priest thought for a while                              
Then replied with a smile,                                  
"Stick to choir boys.  They're better in bed."              
                                                            
13619 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Don Moore           P0303



Father Parrish, an old Catholic priest,                     
On choir boy's asses would feast.                           
At the altar they'd see,                                    
During his sodomy,                                          
Six inches, the member of the Beast.                        
                                                            
13620 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Don Armadale             



A boy in confession was puzzled;                            
Why telling his sins got him muzzled.                       
Explaned Father Shanley,                                    
"This penance so manly,                                     
Absolves you, provided your muzzled!"                       
                                                            
13621 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Peter Wilkins            



I'm really beginning to tire                                
Of sick priests caught in a mire                            
Of half truths and lies,                                    
That gather like flies                                      
Around a big shitpile fire.                                 
                                                            
13622 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Squat                    



The pedophile priest scandal's global;                      
Let's ship them all off to Chernobyl.                       
With drugs we'll sedate 'em,                                
And then we'll castrate 'em,                                
And render those sickos immobile.                           
                                                            
13623 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Observer                 



I think that all perverts in frocks                         
Should firstly be stoned in the stocks,                     
Then hung by their feet,                                    
Castrated then eat                                          
A fricassee of their own cocks.                             
                                                            
13624 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Cubmeister               



They then should be locked up in jail,                      
Denied any chance to make bail.                             
As prisoners they're cleaner                                
'Cause without a weiner,                                    
They won't even need a slop pail.                           
                                                            
13625 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Marlene Lewis            



A priest who loved plump little boys,                       
In court, after kids made big noise;                        
Where they found the statute                                
Of limitations!  Oh shoot!                                  
He'll now stick with foam-rubber toys.                      
                                                            
13626 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Allen Wolverton          



And Catholic priests?  They could toy                       
All week with a rubber-doll boy;                            
Though God only knows if                                    
They'd go for a "Joseph"                                    
Or "Jesus" for ultimate joy.                                
                                                            
13627 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE                            



The Pope hasn't a prayer nor a hope                         
Of stopping his priests while they grope                    
At the backsides of boys                                    
With secular toys,                                          
Like dildoes and soap on a rope!                            
                                                            
13628 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Brian Belge              



"Forgive me, I know I'd not oughter,                        
But vicar, I lust for your daughter."                       
You Catholic priests                                        
Are no better than beasts;                                  
Can't you wait till she's eight and a quarter?"             
                                                            
13629 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Peter Wilkins            



"All Fathers, give me your attention!"                      
(There are some things I'd rather not mention.)             
"You're welcome down in Hell,                               
Where you'll find things are swell.                         
Except your cocks will now lack any tension.                
(no statute of limitations for cleric pedophiles in Hell)   
13630 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Tom Patton          P0308



Said the devil, "I deeply abhor                             
All pedophile priests, and what's more,                     
There's no amount of time                                   
That can erase the crime,                                   
So the high court's limitation's ignore."                   
                                                            
13631 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



TV clergy are flocking to Sears                             
Where they're meeting with all of their peers.              
Through the grapevine they've heard,                        
So they're spreading the word,                              
"Small boys pants are half off. Yea! Three cheers."         
                                                            
13632 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Tom Patton          P0206



There once was a priest named Leroy,                        
Who savored his share of lewd joy.                          
It might have been fun                                      
To bugger a nun,                                            
But he victimized more than one boy.                        
                                                            
13633 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PEDOPHILE   Bob Birch           P0303



There was an old priest of Penang,                          
Wound a spiked ampallang round his whang.                   
When they asked, "Why'd you do it?"                         
The priest said, "Oh, screw it!                             
It's just for the young girls I bang."                      
(ampallang - not in my unabridged - McW)                    
13634 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES                           L1509



There once was a neophyte priest                            
Attending a holy day feast.                                 
In a trance he went forth                                   
With his asshole due North,                                 
While the knob of his dong pointed East.                    
                                                            
13635 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       Albin Chaplin 3024  G1149



Monsignor Abyssawait's joys                                 
Arise from the priests he employs,                          
To hold up his frock                                        
While he makes his cock                                     
A blessing to acolyte boys.                                 
                                                            
13636 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       Travis Brasell           



A priest from the Isle of Choiseul,                         
Was inordinately proud of his tool.                         
So this clerical stallion,                                  
Bred a labor battalion,                                     
To build him a chapel and schule.                           
                                                            
13637 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES                           L1656



There's a fortunate priest of St Paul's,                    
Has a demountable penis and balls.                          
These, for urgent appeals,                                  
And the nuns meals-on-wheels,                               
He can send out on house-to-house calls.                    
                                                            
13638 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       Douglas Catley           



There was a young maiden named Frass,                       
Who was having her first piece of ass.                      
"Oh, darling, you'll kill me,                               
Oh, darling, you thrill me,                                 
Like Father John's thumb after mass."                       
                                                            
13639 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES                           L0531



There was a young priest of Nogales                         
Cursed with a most irreverent phallus;                      
In the Sanctum Sanctorum,                                   
It forsook all decorum                                      
And rapped a tattoo on the chalice.                         
                                                            
13640 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young priest from South Ealing                  
Who was very much into faith healing...                     
He'd assemble his flock,                                    
While unfurling his cock,                                   
And have them all hungrily kneeling.                        
                                                            
13641 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       OgniGioia                



A priest amidst his congregation                            
Was engaging in wild masturbation.                          
They called in the Pope                                     
And he answered, "There's hope,                             
For I, too, am in his situation."                           
                                                            
13642 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       Lims For Year - 01       



A nun and a priest, Father Mandel,                          
Thought his cock a convenient handle.                       
She gave it a crank                                         
And then a big yank,                                        
As it blew out on the altar, a candle.                      
                                                            
13643 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       Tom Patton               



A horny old priest named McGinnity                          
Has his doubt about Mary's virginity.                       
For he thinks that Old Nick                                 
Has a much longer prick                                     
Than all three (combined) of the Trinity.                   
                                                            
13644 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES                           G1132



The priest from the Cape of Good Hope                       
Was tolling the bell for the Pope.                          
On the twenty-fifth bong,                                   
The rope caught his dong,                                   
And the priest was tolled off by the rope.                  
                                                            
13645 CLERGY - PRIESTS - PENES       Albin Chaplin   3024-1862



A horny young priest, Father Kay,                           
And a girl in his parish, named May,                        
In a carnal delight,                                        
They once fucked through the night;                         
He absolved her the very next day.                          
                                                            
13646 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Cap'n Bean               



Father Brian went off on a mission,                         
And while staying there, started in wishin'                 
That a nun he would screw,                                  
And his wish became true;                                   
Now he's saying an Act of Contrition.                       
                                                            
13647 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Cap'n Bean          P9902



There was an old priest named Geraint;                      
By the Pope he was made a great saint,                      
When he lifted his frock                                    
He put reins on his cock,                                   
And he fucked all the nuns with restraint.                  
                                                            
13648 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1029



Strip me and then fuck my ass!                              
Slap me and call me low class!                              
Pee on my face,                                             
Then please leave this place,                               
'Cause soon I will have to say Mass!                        
                                                            
13649 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Cruelty Jones            



A rotten old harlot of Oregon                               
Had hoped to be pure to the core again.                     
She sought help from some priests,                          
But they fucked her, the beasts!                            
She was glad to be back as a whore again.                   
                                                            
13650 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin 3024  G1139



There was a young lady named Jessary,    (Jessional)        
Got deflowered while in a confessary.    (confessional)     
The priest who thus wrecked her                             
Would scorn a protector,                                    
While she'd never heard of a pessary.                       
(While she thought RU486 irrational.)                       
13651 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                         L0550



Said the priest to his flock at a meet,                     
"Some girls say I'm a GHOST. I repeat                       
That it's simply not true."                                 
But one girl hollered, "You                                 
Sure are a Booger Under The Sheet."                         
                                                            
13652 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Theo Heller         P9312



Having proved to've been banging his flock,                 
A profligate priest in Bangkok                              
'S been not only deflocked,                                 
And defrocked but decocked                                  
(Though at least, he had not run amok).                     
                                                            
13653 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Aaron Bell          P9702



A synod of Anglican friars,                                 
Were discussing their carnal desires.                       
Said the priest from Tulagi,                                
"The Marys are baggy,                                       
But a coconut truly inspires."                              
                                                            
13654 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                         L1658



There was a young lady professional                         
Who went to the priest in confessional.                     
She confessed to her deeds;                                 
He professed to his needs;                                  
So they merged in a cubical sessional.                      
                                                            
13655 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1074



A young novice priest of Lahore,                            
Ogled nuns in the convent galore.                           
He climbed in and defiled one,                              
Who proved such a wild one,                                 
That he stayed to defile her some more.                     
                                                            
13656 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin 3024  G1127



Said a priest to a tart in Bay Shore,                       
"Our deportment I roundly deplore --                        
'Tis original sin."                                         
Said the tart with a grin,                                  
"But I've done it quite often before."                      
                                                            
13657 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Hugh Oliver           34c



There was an old bishop named Birch                         
Who never for women did search.                             
When the girls came to mass                                 
He would finger their ass                                   
And he fucked all the good ones in church.                  
                                                            
13658 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0982



A priest took a choirgirl down the sewer;                   
His intention, I guess, was to screw her.                   
So erotic this lark                                         
Down there in the dark,                                     
The poor girl sang out "Hallelujah!"                        
                                                            
13659 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                              



A talented lady named Ferrer                                
Made love like an unholy terror.                            
She met old Father Beecher                                  
Who was able to reach her,                                  
And he showed that her ways were in error.                  
                                                            
13660 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1016



With a nun lay old Father McKesser,                         
Who proceeded to hug and undress her.                       
He said, "Be without fear                                   
For the good Lord is here,                                  
And I am your Father Confessor."                            
                                                            
13661 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin 3024  P8212



To a whore a young fellow named Elliot                      
Said, "Dear, can I stay on your belly yet?"                 
She said, "Sir, you have gall.                              
I've ten drunks in the hall,                                
And I still have to fuck Father Kelly yet."                 
                                                            
13662 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1502



A handsome young priest name of Brad,                       
Kept track of the women he'd had.                           
He has kept careful score                                   
Of six thousand and four;                                   
Always father but never a dad.                              
                                                            
13663 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tom Patton               



As part of his pastoral duty,                               
The village priest, Father Venuti,                          
Would ride to the villa                                     
Of lovely Ludmilla,                                         
A widow, but young, full of beauty.                         
                                                            
13664 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



Her husband was killed by a freak                           
Wind gust as he stood on the peak.                          
It whipped 'round his ass,                                  
Trapped him in a crevasse,                                  
Just when he was taking a leak.                             
                                                            
13665 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



Well, that's what they claim, but you'll note,              
That's just to explain why his choat                        
Was hanging exposed,                                        
But some have supposed                                      
That the pervert was fucking a goat...                      
                                                            
13666 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



Which not really wanting that dick                          
Inserted, replied with a kick,                              
Which lifted poor Fred                                      
Sent him ass over head,                                     
To finish head first in the crick.                          
                                                            
13667 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



But back to our priest, who discharges                      
His duties and gently massages                              
Young Ludmilla's shoulders,                                 
And his passion smoulders,                                  
And the bulge 'neath his cassock enlarges.                  
                                                            
13668 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



Now Millie sure knows a few tricks,                         
And to his amazement, his prick's                           
On show, in her hand,                                       
A strongly veined gland:                                    
"What's this, Joe Venuti's Blue Six?"  (old Jazz Band)      
                                                            
13669 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



She's begging him now for a roll,                           
Impalement upon the priest's pole.                          
How can he refuse?                                          
He'll rapidly lose                                          
Inhibition, his clothes, and control.                       
                                                            
13670 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



His banner, that most strange device,                       
She bounced upon, found it so nice,                         
She'd not let him go                                        
Till satisfied, so                                          
The fellow came not twice but thrice.                       
                                                            
13671 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



All that was a long time ago,                               
And now, if you trudge throught the snow,                   
As shades of night fall,                                    
You may hear the call:                                      
"Excelsior!" then you will know...                          
                                                            
13672 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



You've got to the home of our Millie.                       
Who jumped on the reverend's dilly.                         
She lives with her lad,                                     
(The Father's his dad,)                                     
Excelsior...ain't that name silly?                          
                                                            
13673 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



With his finger, the pious priest Mickel                    
To confession did beckon Miss Schickel.                     
She observed and obeyed,                                    
And she promptly got laid,                                  
So the finger of faith turned out fickle.                   
                                                            
13674 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1060



On Father O'Seamus's cleaver,                               
She lowered her hot little beaver,                          
And prayed to the Lord,                                     
"Make him stiff as a board.                                 
Lord, for what I'm about to receive...ahhhh...!             
                                                            
13675 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



A photo of Father McJude                                    
And the Bishop has gotten them screwed;                     
In the church, after Mass,                                  
Father's flashing his ass,                                  
While the Bishop is totally nude.                           
                                                            
13676 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Cap'n Bean               



While out for a walk in the fall                            
The young priest said, "Let's jump that wall                
And we'll each screw a nun."                                
but the old priest said, "Son,                              
Let us walk to the gate and fuck all."                      
                                                            
13677 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1015



A young student of music, Miss Blatt,                       
Went to practice the Magnificat,                            
At the house of a priest,                                   
An apartment out east.                                      
She soon found she was fucked in A-flat.                    
                                                            
13678 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Al Chaplin          P0302



They had to unfrock Father Lunn;                            
He did what he shouldn't have done.                         
That horny old bastard                                      
While thoroughly plastered                                  
Deflowered a postulant nun.                                 
                                                            
13679 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Armand E Singer       769



To the priest a young girl of St. Claire,                   
Her sinful behavior did bare.                               
Her wretched confession                                     
Made such an impression,                                    
That he fucked her while kneeling in prayer.                
                                                            
13680 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1081



Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,                   
"Do I sin if I do what I want.  If                          
I screw a young nun                                         
In the easterling sun?"                                     
His holiness murmured "Gut yontiff."                        
(gut yontiff - happy holidays)                              
13681 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                              



"You are old, Father Bill, and I'm guessing,"               
Said Sue, "That you need help undressing.                   
But an ace, still, you are                                  
At removing my bra,                                         
As your dick in my cavity's pressing."                      
                                                            
13682 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                              



There was a priest under the sun                            
Who'd lived his whole life with a nun.                      
When asked of his sins,                                     
He stifled his grins                                        
And announced that he had had nun.                          
                                                            
13683 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Laurence Perrine    P9306



A lovely young bride name of Kylie                          
Said, "Husband, I don't rate you highly.                    
I have to confess                                           
I prefer the caress                                         
And the fucking of Father O'Reilly."                        
                                                            
13684 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



The heart of O'Leary, S.J.                                  
Stirred for a bird in the hay.                              
So he side-saddled Lily,                                    
Fair fire-freckled filly,                                   
And rode her long-lustly all day.                           
                                                            
13685 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     G M Hopkins (D Phillips?)



They say in the crypt of St Luke                            
Lurks a seventeenth century spook;                          
But it's Father O'Gough in                                  
That ancient old coffin,                                    
Who's giving those bones a good fook.                       
                                                            
13686 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



A pretty young boy known as Kevin,                          
Was raped in the garden by seven                            
High Anglican priests!                                      
Those lascivious beasts!                                    
Of such is the kingdom of heaven.                           
                                                            
13687 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Anon                G0543



Explained a young priest, Father Rex,                       
"My need is by no means complex;                            
It may not be numinous,                                     
But it is sure luminous.                                    
It lights up my life -- I mean sex."                        
                                                            
13688 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Armand E Singer       351



Said the priest to a trollop named Meyer,                   
"I'll restore your old vigor and fire."                     
On the altar he laid her,                                   
But it sadly dismayed her;                                  
She thanked God for the boys in the choir.                  
                                                            
13689 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin            



There were two young ladies of Twickenham                   
Who asked an old priest to try sticken 'em.                 
But the priest held high mass,                              
Put a bib on each ass,                                      
And proceeded with eating and lickin' 'em.                  
                                                            
13690 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1104



They say in the crypt of St Luke                            
Lurks a seventeenth century spook;                          
But it's Father O'Gough in                                  
That ancient old coffin,                                    
Who's giving them bones a good fook.                        
                                                            
13691 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                              



Said a priest to the Mother Superior                        
"May I bless your labia inferior?                           
With a little charism,                                      
I'll annoint them with gism,                                
And absolve your most sacred posterior."                    
                                                            
13692 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Jim Weaver Collection    



It is said that young Father O'Flaherty                     
Is know to do great things for Charity.                     
Says he, "There's no shame                                  
For indeed, that's her name,"                               
Which causes them both great hilarity.                      
                                                            
13693 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Murphy                   



My son, you will surely be blessed                          
Now that your sins are confessed.                           
But the priest that you're in                               
Thinks you've found a new sin.                              
When you're done, go wash up and get dressed!               
                                                            
13694 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     CM                       



At confession the prostitute spilt                          
How her fortune on fucking was built.                       
Through a hole in the lattice                               
The old priest fucked her, gratis,                          
Which diminished her feelings of guilt.                     
                                                            
13695 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1092



There was a young lady named Brenda                         
Who went to the priest's hacienda.                          
This old priest was no slouch;                              
She had four on the couch                                   
And was not even on the agenda.                             
                                                            
13696 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0990



Said Father O'Malley to Sally:                              
"I'd like to get pally, and dally."                         
That's one more new cross                                   
On the altar rail boss;                                     
And one virgin more to his tally.                           
                                                            
13697 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



The piously proud Father Ted                                
Was caught with a Nun in his bed.                           
He was asked to explain                                     
Why the sheet had a stain,                                  
He said that she made him see red.                          
                                                            
13698 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     SFA                      



Of course it was me, you bit pain!                          
I met Father Ted on the train.                              
We each had a drink;                                        
I showed him the pink,                                      
And then I made off with his brain.                         
                                                            
13699 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     SFA                      



He mentioned how he had to blink                            
When sighting your copious pink.                            
But then he'd insist                                        
No man could resist                                         
It's sly and provocative wink.                              
                                                            
13700 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     SFA                      



Each Sunday a harlot named Birch                            
Was roused by the sermon at church.                         
The old priest and his choir                                
Would remove her attire                                     
And proceed to conduct their research.                      
                                                            
13701 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0983



At confession a fellow named Spence                         
Described his cock-sucking offence.                         
Said the priest, "For your wrong                            
You must suck on my dong,                                   
But I only will pay fifty cents."                           
                                                            
13702 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1091



"Oh Father O'Sheamus ... oh drool ..."                      
"Look; it isn't O'Sheamus, you fool;                        
That's too many O's,                                        
But come play my hose,                                      
After school my dear Bridget O'Toole."                      
                                                            
13703 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                              



A lecherous priest from Peru,                               
Fucked the deacon's wife in a pew.                          
"I'll admit I'm not pious",                                 
He said, "I've a bias.                                      
I think it diviner to screw."                               
                                                            
13704 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                         L1728



A pious young priest from South Bend,                       
Prayed through long sleepless nights with a friend.         
Till she started to swell,                                  
Then they saw all too well,                                 
Prayer can't change how it goes in the end.                 
                                                            
13705 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     John Ciardi              



Granny was raped at confession;                             
It was only a five minute session.                          
The priest, ninety-two,                                     
Dragged her into a pew                                      
And left quite a lasting impression.                        
                                                            
13706 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Jim Weaver Collection    



A priest with facade of great piety,                        
Admonished a maid's impropriety.                            
Then at length he expounded                                 
How her life should be rounded,                             
And he showed her new ways for variety.                     
                                                            
13707 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1069



As he spread an old nun, Father Keating                     
Checked her heart to be sure it was beating.                
Then his head he did bare                                   
And he said a short prayer,                                 
For he always said Grace before eating.                     
                                                            
13708 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1045



Young Father O'Malley (no fool)                             
When religious instructor at school,                        
Let the girls pass exams                                    
If they showed him their mams,                              
While baptizing them all with his tool.                     
                                                            
13709 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



A priest raped poor twelve-year-old Alice.                  
She got pregnant; was so filled with malice,                
That one Saturday night                                     
While bemoaning her plight,                                 
She slipped arsenic into his chalice.                       
                                                            
13710 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Nancy Henry-Kline   P9309



You made love to me first, last November,                   
Sung in a box pew, remember?                                
Removing your cassock                                       
You adjusted my hassock,                                    
And prayed for my soul and your member!                     
                                                            
13711 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                         G1138



In the crypt an old priest named Ignatius                   
Was fucking a Sister flirtatious.                           
He said, "I have often                                      
Fucked nuns on a coffin,                                    
But never has one been so spacious."                        
                                                            
13712 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1038



There once was a pretty young maid                          
Who went to the church and there prayed                     
Right in front of the priest,                               
But he leered like a beast,                                 
And this sweet little maid was betrayed.                    
                                                            
13713 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1057



A conservative priest from Poughkeepsie                     
Made the error of becoming quite tipsy.                     
He was fired from his post                                  
For defaming the Host,                                      
While involved with three nuns and a gypsy.                 
                                                            
13714 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED                        G1177a



There was an old slut from the East,                        
A slovenly foul-smelling beast,                             
And so utterly sordid                                       
That she'd never been boarded,                              
Except twice by the new parish priest.                      
                                                            
13715 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1009



There was a young girl of Gibraltar                         
Who was to be wed to Sir Walter;                            
But old Father McCulpit                                     
Fucked her twice in the pulpit,                             
As he read her a psalm from his psalter.                    
                                                            
13716 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-1030



An ineffable prelate named Flynn                            
Kissed a plump choir boy on the chin,                       
Knocked over a psalter                                      
Displayed on the altar,                                     
And committed the ultimate sin.                             
                                                            
13717 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Armand E Singer       158



"Oh, father! I have a confession!                           
Sex has become my obsession!"                               
"Let's see just how bad                                     
You've got it, my lad!"                                     
Father coaxed him to undression!                            
                                                            
13718 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young priest named Morris                  
Who fondled two nuns in the chorus.                         
Though neither could sing,                                  
They each did a thing                                       
That we Protestants think would just bore us.               
                                                            
13719 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SCREWED     Bob Birch                



While strolling through glades all a-dapple                 
With sunshine, I chanced on a chapel;                       
Intrigued, I went in                                        
And found Father O'Flynn                                    
And the preacher's wife "sharing an apple".                 
                                                            
13720 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



"Oho!; what a load of old crapple;                          
O'Flynn, you're not sharing an apple.                       
You're both in the nude                                     
And look thoroughly screwed".                               
I said, "Bet you've been having a grapple."                 
                                                            
13721 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



There once was a bonnie wee lass,                           
Who confessed to the priest before mass,                    
That she'd drunk to excess                                  
At an unknown address,                                      
And what bloated her now wasn't gas!                        
                                                            
13722 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Prof M-G            T9711



Said the priest, "I absolve you, my dear,                   
But now I'll confess what I fear.                           
If the child calls me Father,                               
'Tisn't Reverend, but rather                                
The unknown address was right here.                         
                                                            
13723 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Prof M-G            T9711



"Forgive me my sins", muttered Father                       
O'Reilly, "but God! I'd much rather                         
Not have to take Mass                                       
'Til I've seen to this lass,                                
And I've worked up a sweat and a lather."                   
                                                            
13724 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



"Forgiveness?  Forgiveness for this!?"                      
Thundered God, "Are you taking a piss?                      
Well okay, if you must,                                     
But hold fire with your lust,                               
'Til I've had my own way with that miss."                   
                                                            
13725 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Demure is that Deborah lass,                                
Each Sunday attending a mass                                
With Father O'Reilly,                                       
Who looks at her shyly,                                     
And dreams of her tits and her ass.                         
                                                            
13726 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



So Deborah flutters her eyes,                               
Invitingly opens her thighs,                                
And giggles as Father                                       
Gets into a lather,                                         
Attempting to cover his rise.                               
                                                            
13727 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



When priest from the Jesuit Mission,                        
With nuns are in juxtaposition,                             
They soon abrogate                                          
Their celibate state,                                       
Engaging in frantic coition.                                
                                                            
13728 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



'Twould seem that the priests supplication                  
Was entirely for lewd recreation.                           
Their habit-ual sins                                        
They'd indulge in with grins,                               
And then give themselves dispensation.                      
                                                            
13729 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Murphy                   



Young Father Patrick O'Finnigan,                            
Promising never to sin again,                               
Fell for a lass                                             
With a cute little ass,                                     
Who insisted he stick it back in again.                     
                                                            
13730 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter J Wilkins     P9806



Middle-aged Father O'Finnigan                               
Dined at his favorite inn again,                            
Breaking the promise                                        
He made to St. Thomas,                                      
To cut down on food and get thin again.                     
                                                            
13731 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter J Wilkins     P9806



Old Father Patrick O'Finnigan                               
Out of his mind and his skin again,                         
Died on the day                                             
He had promised to lay                                      
Off of the whiskey, the wine, and the gin again.            
                                                            
13732 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter J Wilkins     P9806



Reverend Father, I've cause to complain.                    
Each noon a gent leers through the pane                     
Of my private window,                                       
(Number three, second row),                                 
And I fear he will do it again.                             
                                                            
13733 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      David Finely             



If you want to be sure to be blessed,                       
You must do all the things I suggest.                       
With purity such                                            
That your wife you don't touch.                             
What he's planned I am sure you've all guessed.             
                                                            
13734 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      David Finley             



"My good priest, what a wonderful plan!                     
But what can I, poor woman, remand?"                        
"My dear, to such bribes                                    
I would never subscribe.                                    
Your sweet self is enough for this man."                    
                                                            
13735 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"Good lady, your beauty's so fine                           
That Gabriel himself does pine.                             
But we know that you might                                  
Be burned at his sight,                                     
So he'll come in this body of mine."                        
                                                            
13736 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"Well my wife you have been rather bad,                     
This young spark has been caught in our pad.                
But it happens I'm gay,                                     
So I think there's a way.                                   
We will each entertain this fine lad."                      
                                                            
13737 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"This law made by men is unfair.                            
When my husband had need I was there,                       
An there's clearly no doubt                                 
That we seldom wear out,                                    
So Nature suggests that we share."                          
                                                            
13738 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"The reason his great robe this priest doffed,              
Was our babe who had gasped and then coughed                
And then breathed his last breath                           
But was raised up from death                                
Helped by praying that came from the loft."                 
                                                            
13739 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"Such orgies, no emperor has seen.                          
We can summon the fairiest queen.                           
And for certain we reckon                                   
You'll be privileged to beckon                              
Her highness, the Queen of La Treen."                       
                                                            
13740 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



The priest spied a little black boy,                        
With a very small vial for a toy.                           
The priest asked the lad                                    
What it was that he had,                                    
And the kid gave a demo with joy:                           
                                                            
13741 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



He poured a few drops on the sand                           
Which smoked and began to expand                            
Then burst into flame;                                      
Concrete did the same,                                      
While the boy tossed the vial hand to hand                  
                                                            
13742 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



The priest viewed this all with alarm                       
And fearing the boy'd come to harm,                         
He offered to barter                                        
His own holy water,                                         
Which he carried along as a charm.                          
                                                            
13743 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"And what good is that?" the kid asked.                     
Said the priest, (grasping straws, thinking fast,)          
"I put some on the tummy                                    
Of a soon-to-be mummy,                                      
And in minutes her baby was passed."                        
                                                            
13744 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



But the boy, unimpressed, said, "Forget                     
it. This here's the best stuff I've found yet.              
I put some of THIS gas                                      
On an ol' tomcat's ass,                                     
And HE passed a Harley, no sweat!"                          
                                                            
13745 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Amanda didn't marry at Easter.                              
She'd previously gone to her priest. ("A                    
Pre-nuptial chat                                            
About this, about that,                                     
And the other", he said, as he squeezed her.)               
                                                            
13746 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"Oh Father, I haven't a clue",                              
She said blushingly, "What should I do                      
On my honeymoon night?                                      
I'm afraid I'm too tight                                    
Down below for a regular screw."                            
                                                            
13747 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



The priest gave a lingering glance                          
At her thighs while adjusting his pants.                    
"What you need is to sit                                    
On this candle a bit",                                      
He replied while exposing his lance.                        
                                                            
13748 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



Amanda looked dazed and in fear,                            
Absolutely transfixed by his spear.                         
He said, "Don't be afraid,                                  
For the priesthood has made                                 
It my duty to help you, my dear."                           
                                                            
13749 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"This candle will help you to get                           
More relaxed and more clenchingly wet                       
Than you ever have felt."                                   
So she got up and knelt                                     
'Tween his thighs. "Will you give it a pet?" ...            
                                                            
13750 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



... he enquired. So she stroked it real slow                
'Til it started to quiver and glow.                         
He said, "Please sit astride                                
It with thighs open wide."                                  
But she smiled, shook her head, and said "No".              
                                                            
13751 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"I just want to check it's a real                           
Holy Roman-type Candle. I feel                              
That you're lying, you sod."                                
And the priest said, "Oh god;                               
Please forgive me my sins, I appeal."                       
                                                            
13752 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"Too late!" cried Amanda, "I win.                           
I bet Mother Superior, sin                                  
Was the thing you liked most;                               
Not that damned holy ghost."                                
Then she left with a real wicked grin.                      
                                                            
13753 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



So Deborah flutters her eyes,                               
Invitingly opens her thighs                                 
And giggles as Father                                       
Gets into a lather,                                         
Attempting to cover his rise.                               
                                                            
13754 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



How eagerly Deborah clamps                                  
Her lips around knob-ends and champs.                       
How lucky they are,                                         
Brother Tim and Papa,                                       
All her uncles and cousins and gramps.                      
                                                            
13755 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



The housekeeper told Father Finnigan                        
"I think you been doin' that sin again.                     
Last night I got rid                                        
Of those tissues, I did,                                    
But I see you done filled up that bin again."               
                                                            
13756 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Next morning, instead of the tissue,                        
The housekeeper pondered the issue                          
All over the floor,                                         
And walked out of the door,                                 
To his cries of "Oh lord; how I'll miss you."               
                                                            
13757 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"This waste of good tissues must stop,                      
So Father I'll straight away shop,"                         
The housekeeper said                                        
"For something instead                                      
More keepable .. I know! -- A mop!"                         
                                                            
13758 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



There once was an Irish colleen,                            
A virginal carnival queen,                                  
Who went to the church                                      
For a priest to besmirch,                                   
After drinking a glass of poteen.                           
                                                            
13759 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



For Father O'Hare, consternation;                           
He couldn't resist the temptation.                          
He muttered at vespers                                      
"Forgive me, I trespass."                                   
Then screwed her without hesitation.                        
                                                            
13760 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"Oh Father, forgive me my sin...                            
I seem to have no discipline,                               
I'm there in two beats                                      
All over the sheets.                                        
Some even ends up on my chin.                               
                                                            
13761 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      OgniGioia                



Said old Father Doyle with chagrin,                         
As he furtively nipped at his gin,                          
"When you use your own hand,                                
Satan strikes up the band!                                  
It's the sinfullest sin you can sin!"                       
                                                            
13762 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      OgniGioia                



"Oh Father," I said, "is that true?                         
There are many bad things you can do...                     
Bombing a city!                                             
Never being witty!                                          
Just why is this deed so taboo?"                            
                                                            
13763 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      OgniGioia                



"My son, it is just Catholic creed!                         
You must never go spilling your seed!!                      
It's got something to do                                    
With wanking in lieu                                        
Of begetting more Papists to breed.                         
                                                            
13764 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      OgniGioia                



I'm glad you've lost some inhibition,                       
It's liable to lead to coition.                             
But do not worry, dear,                                     
Fr. Francis will hear                                       
Your most heartfelt act of contrition.                      
                                                            
13765 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



In case that you are a bit shocked,                         
I would if I'd not been de-frocked.                         
But before you shriek,                                      
I'll come for a week,                                       
As long as your larder's well stocked.                      
                                                            
13766 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



Fr. Francis, I see you've made hay;                         
Been busy while I've been away.                             
Moved in on my kill;                                        
This can't be god's will.                                   
Retribution is coming your way!                             
                                                            
13767 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES                               



"A sermon", thought Father O'Quinn,                         
"I should write 'bout 'The Evils of Sin'.                   
But my mind is a blank,                                     
So I'll sit here and wank                                   
Till I'm feeling inspired to begin."                        
                                                            
13768 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



His housekeeper, taken aback,                               
Cried, "Father, it's sinful to jack!"                       
So she whipped off her scanties,                            
Her bra and her panties                                     
And guided him into her crack.                              
                                                            
13769 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



"Lord Jesus!" cried Father O'Quinn,                         
"Inspiration at last to begin!"                             
As his housekeeper dribbled,                                
He jismed and scribbled                                     
His sermon, 'The Pleasures of Sin!"                         
                                                            
13770 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



The priest thundered, "Women are bitches!                   
They're devilish Succubi witches.                           
I won't even mention                                        
Their soft, yielding, clenchin'..                           
(Shit!  Now I've come in my britches!)                      
                                                            
13771 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



The nun thundered, "Sisters, Beware!                        
Men are filthy and base, I declare.                         
Close your eyes to those sods                               
With their hot throbbing rods...                            
(Shit!  Now I'm soaking down there.)                        
                                                            
13772 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



"Well Father, that's frightened them off."                  
"It was meant to, dear Sister.  Come quaff                  
This communion wine."                                       
"Is it your place or mine?"                                 
"What the fuck; here's the altar; let's boff!"              
                                                            
13773 CLERGY - PRIESTS - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



All the ethical "oughts"                                    
Are not mere behavioral naughts.                            
If you go astray                                            
You'll hear mama's "Oi Vey!"                                
And your rabbi will call you a putz.                        
(putz - American Jewish slang for penis)                    
13774 CLERGY - RABBIS                Jim Jambor          P9103



A much admired rabbi from Macon                             
Found the faith of his followers shaken,                    
When they learned he'd a taint                              
(See "Portnoy's Complaint")                                 
Of fucking both ham-hocks and bacon.                        
                                                            
13775 CLERGY - RABBIS                                    G2416



A young Jewish rabbi named Sholem                           
Was feared as a possible golem.                             
He sneered at the Torah,                                    
Hummed snatches from 'Laura',                               
And crapped out at dice screaming "Roll 'em!"               
                                                            
13776 CLERGY - RABBIS                Armand E Singer       227



There once was a rabbi named Ray;                           
The poor man had nothing to say.                            
He sat under a wreath,                                      
With a dick in his teeth,                                   
That's how they found out he was gay.                       
                                                            
13777 CLERGY - RABBIS                                         



There was a young rabbi from Kadoches                       
Who had a hospitable toches.                                
His friends had no fear                                     
To attack from the rear,                                    
For he'd make it quite kosher with broches.                 
                                                            
13778 CLERGY - RABBIS                                    L0479



A rabbi, a priest, and a nun.                               
In a New Orleans brothel were stunned.                      
For the nun changed profession,                             
Padre took her confession,                                  
And the rabbi cried "Oi vey! What fun!"                     
                                                            
13779 CLERGY - RABBIS                Michael Palin            



There was a young Jew of far Rockaway,                      
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.              
Perceiving his error,                                       
The Rabbi in terror                                         
Cried, "God!  I have cut his whole cock away!"              
                                                            
13780 CLERGY - RABBIS                                    G1107



There was a young rab from Kadoches,                        
Who had a hospitable toches.                                
His friends had no fear                                     
To attack from the rear,                                    
For he'd make it quite kosher with broches.                 
(toches - ass, broches - blessings, kadoches - seizure)     
13781 CLERGY - RABBIS                                    L0479



In a talk at the Vatican rectory,                           
The rabbi was lacking in tact or he                         
Would not have made it --                                   
At least not as stated --                                   
A point that he stands pro-phylactery.                      
                                                            
13782 CLERGY - RABBIS                Pat Byrnes               



Said Rabbi Abe Zoggby to Flora:                             
"All Jewish girls, so says the Torah,                       
Must dandle my handle..."                                   
Well, boss, one new candle                                  
He's added to light his Menorah.                            
                                                            
13783 CLERGY - RABBIS                Travis Brasell           



At her husbands behest, a young Frau                        
Took her son to a rabbi, with know-how.                     
When she ventured to ask                                    
Concerning the task,                                        
He responded, "It shouldn't be long now."                   
                                                            
13784 CLERGY - RABBIS                Macsam                   



A rabbi is now quite a hero.                                
He fiddled around just like Nero,                           
And jumped like a rabbit                                    
Beneath a nun's habit.                                      
And now she's a Mother Shapiro.                             
                                                            
13785 CLERGY - RABBIS                New Orleansite      P9312



A resolute rabbi from Miles                                 
Impressed all the local gentiles                            
With his power of belief                                    
When he bent with his teeth                                 
And circumsized all of his piles.                           
                                                            
13786 CLERGY - RABBIS                Hugh Oliver         A073D



Our rabbi (Oy veh! Kinehora!)                               
Tried to schtup a young girl named Devorah --               
He leapt to attack,                                         
When a voice from the back                                  
Yelled, "Hey, schmuck-face! First put back the Torah!"      
(Kinehora - let no evil befall)                             
13787 CLERGY - RABBIS                Robin K. Willoughby P8707



There once was a rabbi named Job,                           
Who wore nothing under his robe.                            
You want to know why?                                       
Caught his dick in his fly,                                 
And you won't find a fly on a robe.                         
                                                            
13788 CLERGY - RABBIS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young rabbi named Pete,                         
Who circumcised youngsters quite neat.                      
But during the Passover                                     
They kicked his ass over,                                   
For selling the clippings as meat.                          
                                                            
13789 CLERGY - RABBIS                                    G1142



A rabbi magician of Deever                                  
Could hoodwink the sharpest perceiver,                      
For the tricks he could do                                  
With a foreskin or two,                                     
Would surprise the devoutest believer.                      
                                                            
13790 CLERGY - RABBIS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1002



The Rabbi Jeremiah C. Keller                                
Kept his underwear locked in the cellar,                    
'Cause slinky pink briefs                                   
With kinky motifs,                                          
Aren't kosher or cool on a feller.                          
                                                            
13791 CLERGY - RABBIS                Curly Hare               



The Reverend Percival Monday                                
After giving his sermon one Sunday,                         
Went out to the lot,                                        
To a well hidden spot,                                      
Where he balled Widow Bates in her Hyundai.                 
                                                            
13792 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Cap'n Bean          P0208



A reverend out in Dumont                                    
Keeps a tropical fish in the font.                          
Though it always surprises                                  
The babes he baptizes,                                      
It seems to be just what they want.                         
                                                            
13793 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Morris Bishop            



"My name is the Reverend Beach;                             
I honor God's ways in the breach;                           
It's not that I'm shameless,                                
I am close to blameless --                                  
I merely don't do what I preach."                           
                                                            
13794 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Armand E Singer       897



As the acolytes bared their fat rears,                      
The Reverend Father McQueers                                
Said, unsheathing his tool:                                 
"Rectums still make me drool,                               
Though I've buggered them daily for years."                 
                                                            
13795 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                 G1153



The Right Reverend Archibald Drew                           
Played poker games and won quite a few.                     
"It's the good Lord I thank,"                               
Said he at the bank,                                        
But those cards up the sleeve helped him too.               
                                                            
13796 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Michael Weinstein   P9511



Said the Reverend Jabez McCotton,                           
"The waltz of the Devil's begotten!"                        
Said Jones to Miss Bly,                                     
"Never mind the old guy,                                    
To the pure, almost everything's rotten!"                   
                                                            
13797 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Isaac Asimov             



In his pulput the Reverend Goff                             
During sermons delights to jerk off.                        
It seems quite ironical                                     
Something so uncanonical                                    
Parishioners pick on to scoff!                              
                                                            
13798 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                 G1112



With life's sordid pleasures you're bored?                  
Quit boasting of how much you've scored.                    
Renounce now such evil,                                     
And I, Reverend Steve'll                                    
Help you put your faith in the Lord.                        
                                                            
13799 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Reverend Thrust          



Please give up these wicked perversions                     
And seek ye some spiritual diversion.                       
To your local church go,                                    
And, you never know,                                        
You may undergo a conversion.                               
(when Hell freezes - McW)                                   
13800 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Reverend Thrust          



"I've always been somewhat dismayed                         
By good women," said Reverend Wade.                         
"The more fervor they show                                  
At revivals, you know,                                      
The more eager they are to get laid."                       
                                                            
13801 CLERGY - REVERENDS             A. N. Wilkins       P8706



Reverend Johnson was very devout,                           
But at time he let too much hang out.                       
Now the Reverend's deposed                                  
For what he exposed.                                        
(Unlike Clinton, who has too much clout)                    
                                                            
13802 CLERGY - REVERENDS             John Miller 0305         



When the Reverend Frogdiddle Stead                          
First saw his new bride bare in bed,                        
He knelt at his prayers,                                    
But his nose bumped some hairs,                             
So he hopped on and fucked her instead.                     
                                                            
13803 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                 G1161



That self-styled preacher named Jesse,                      
Of my barbs he is often addressee.                          
He's king of the spades,                                    
But I'll see him in Hades --                                
The results, rest assured, will be messy.                   
                                                            
13804 CLERGY - REVERENDS             William F. Buckley  P8606



"What cute little bones in your nose;                       
Designer bones one would suppose.                           
Versace?"  "Oh no,                                          
Marks and Spencer, you know,                                
And the big one is Reverend Joe's."                         
                                                            
13805 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Peter Wilkins            



A whore and a horny young Reverend                          
Did fuck till she thought it would never end.               
When done with her cunny,                                   
He left it all runny,                                       
Then decided to bugger her nether end.                      
                                                            
13806 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Hugh Clary               



Now don't be surprised it's so clear                        
To me why the Rev Morgan's so dear.                         
To you little drunk gal                                     
'Cause you love above all,                                  
That his miracle pipe blown, supplies beer.                 
                                                            
13807 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                      



Let us pray and let's sing us                               
Into the mood that will bring us                            
Nearer to our goal,                                         
For a far lesser role,                                      
For that weeny thing that we call dingus.                   
                                                            
13808 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                      



"Though Meg's dead," said Reverend Reeve,                   
"We Christians, Art, like to believe,                       
That body is gone,                                          
But spirit lives on;                                        
To give you advice, don't then grieve."                     
                                                            
13809 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                      



She'll watch over you, always, so                           
Feel comfort, wherever you go.                              
She'll always be there                                      
To answer a prayer."                                        
But Arthur cried: "Please, heaven, no!                      
                                                            
13810 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                      



"She never in life gave me head;                            
I thus took my chance now she's dead,                       
Laid out in her coffin                                      
To give a mouth boffin'.                                    
She'll come down and haunt me, I dread."                    
                                                            
13811 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                      



The vicar said: "Hope for the best,                         
I know of these things and attest,                          
I've never met a spook,                                     
In my time, though I've took                                
Such pleasures in chapels of rest."                         
                                                            
13812 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                      



As she sucked off the Reverend Brock,                       
Mae noticed odd pits on his cock.                           
She inquired, with a sniff,                                 
"Is it clap, sir, or syph?                                  
You should drag that pocked cock to a doc!"                 
                                                            
13813 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                 G1903



On TV with Reverend Bard,                                   
Paw on knees was praying real hard.                         
Maw cried, "What a wheezer!                                 
Put your prick in the freezer!                              
It's the only way 'twill ever get hard."                    
                                                            
13814 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Dom                 P8706



Reverend Johnson got slapped into jail                      
For molesting some under-age quail,                         
Where old Bubba made haste                                  
To give him a taste                                         
Of an oversized tool in the tail.                           
                                                            
13815 CLERGY - REVERENDS             John Miller 0303         



The daughters of Reverend Muns                              
Had perky, delectable buns;                                 
They were ogled each week,                                  
From the pews made of teak,                                 
By the horny parishioners' sons.                            
                                                            
13816 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Cap'n Bean          P0011



The venerable Reverend O'Grady,                             
Acquired a scent quite shady.                               
His farts during service                                    
Made his congreants nervous,                                
Though he lets them out slow, like a lady.                  
                                                            
13817 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Grand Prix Lim  189 G1417



It is a most cruel discipline                               
For the Reverend to be soft on sin.                         
But a far sharper goad                                      
On the Heaven-bound road                                    
Is premature softness, once in.                             
                                                            
13818 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Jim Jambor          P9009



There once was a boring young Reverend,                     
Who preached till it seemed he would never end.             
His congreants, en masse,                                   
Got a pain in the ass,                                      
And prayed, for relief of their nether end.                 
                                                            
13819 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                 L1525



The Reverend Ian Paisley                                    
Is crooked, dishonest and weasily.                          
He does, I will wager,                                      
Suck the dick of John Major,                                
Which is, I'd  imagine, quite measly.                       
                                                            
13820 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Gene Brady               



Said the Reverend S. McCord Crothers,                       
My very dear sisters and brothers;                          
We are met, are we not,                                     
To hear what I forgot                                       
To tell Crothers to tell to the others.                     
                                                            
13821 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Conrad Aiken             



When they found the luscious Miss Wall                      
Being raped in the drafty church hall,                      
The Rt. Reverend Vance                                      
Shot off twice in his pants,                                
And two vestrymen felt their balls crawl!                   
                                                            
13822 CLERGY - REVERENDS                                 G1172



The kinky old Reverend Mick                                 
Used to tie the bell rope to his dick.                      
At the pealing of eight,                                    
He would ejaculate                                          
And by nine he'd be physically sick.                        
                                                            
13823 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Paul Graham              



At our Church picnic Reverend McNutt                        
Was fetching charcoal from the hut,                         
When well-rounded Mabel                                     
Bent over the table.                                        
"Holy Moly!" McNutt said, "NICE BUTT!"                      
                                                            
13824 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Michael Wenstein    P0208



Reverend Billy said, "I hate to tell ya'                    
But our 'outreach' is destined for failure.                 
Yes, by God, I'm appalled!                                  
One man asked, when he called,                              
'Which Sunday's your next Saturnalia?'"                     
                                                            
13825 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Robin K. Willoughby P8707



The Reverend O'Shay ran away;                               
He left town on this very day.                              
He has indigestion                                          
That comes from the question:                               
"Who told my wife that I was gay?"                          
                                                            
13826 CLERGY - REVERENDS             Anon                     



In the crypt the nun sucks Vicar Lew.                       
But the Bishop, he faints ere she's through,                
And the screams heard for miles                             
Through the crypt at St. Giles                              
Are those when the Bishop comes too.                        
                                                            
13827 CLERGY - VICARS                Al Chaplin          P8507



A vicar once known for high morals,                         
Chose unwisely to rest on his laurels.                      
When put to the test,                                       
At the Devil's behest,                                      
He'd have failed, were it not for the orals.                
                                                            
13828 CLERGY - VICARS                Paul M. Hoffman          



A grave Church of England D.D.                              
Ran off with a nice chimpanzee.                             
But do not feel remorse,                                    
She was female, of course.                                  
The vicar's not queer, don't you see.                       
                                                            
13829 CLERGY - VICARS                Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady of Kew,                              
Remarked as the Vicar withdrew:                             
"The Verger's emerger                                       
Is longer and lurger--                                      
And he gets his bollocks in too."                           
                                                            
13830 CLERGY - VICARS                                    G1124



Tell me what do you do to a Vicar                           
Who has shown that he can't hold his liquor.                
Try with Guinness or stout,                                 
And then feed from a spout                                  
'Cause it's thicker, nutritious--and quicker.               
                                                            
13831 CLERGY - VICARS                Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P9606



There was an old vicar named Morgan,                        
Who serving his church as a warden,                         
Chased a fellow named Dave                                  
Through the church and the nave,                            
And caught him, at last, by the organ.                      
                                                            
13832 CLERGY - VICARS                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I've heard that the vicars in Huffham                       
Demand that the altar girls cuff 'em                        
With chains to the walls,                                   
And then scrape their balls                                 
With orbital sanders to buff 'em.                           
                                                            
13833 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



There once was a Vicar from Bray;                           
He drank many beers in one day.                             
Then he'd chase all the fellas                              
Who had umbrellas                                           
And walked a peculiar way.                                  
                                                            
13834 CLERGY - VICARS                Barbara Cunningham  P9506



There was a young girl whose attire                         
Soon set all of the clergy afire.                           
She displayed her knickers                                  
To various vicars,                                          
And all of the boys in the choir.                           
                                                            
13835 CLERGY - VICARS                Richard Long             



"It's heavenly, just to repose,                             
Relaxed from your head to your toes,"                       
Said the vicar to me,                                       
"With young choir-girl Bea,                                 
Who's gently massaging my hose."                            
                                                            
13836 CLERGY - VICARS                Tiddy Ogg                



"And then when I shout Hallelujah,                          
She asks 'bout the white stuff, peculiar.                   
I say as I'm dressing,                                      
'Tis God's holy blessing...                                 
It sure is easy to fool her."                               
                                                            
13837 CLERGY - VICARS                Tiddy Ogg                



The parish commission at Roylette,                          
Bought their Vicar a pristine new toilet.                   
But he still voids his bowels,                              
On a heap of old towels,                                    
He's so very reluctant to soil it.                          
                                                            
13838 CLERGY - VICARS                                    L1731



Vicar Smedley, our pie-in-the-sky man,                      
Called on Clara and ruptured her hymen                      
On the eve of her marriage                                  
To Tredlowe T. Clarridge,                                   
Which I'd say is rather shrewd timin'.                      
                                                            
13839 CLERGY - VICARS                John Ciardi              



The vicar on his mare, he did kick her,                     
Because she wouldn't canter any quicker.                    
I said, "That's not nice."                                  
He said, "Please, no advice!"                               
Who am I to dicker with a vicar?                            
                                                            
13840 CLERGY - VICARS                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



There's a Vicar who's classed as nefarious,                 
Since his shocking perversions are various.                 
He will bugger some lad                                     
With a dildo (the cad!)                                     
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"                  
                                                            
13841 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



Irascible Vicar McGits                                      
Was known for the terrible fits                             
He threw in his study,                                      
O'er carpet left muddy,                                     
By whores who had sold him their clits.                     
                                                            
13842 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



Went to see the wife of the vicar,                          
In the hope that I might get to dick her.                   
"Were we oportunicable,                                     
'Twould be excommunicable."                                 
She said, but she did let me lick her.                      
                                                            
13843 CLERGY - VICARS                MrMalo                   



The Vicar of Pevensey Bay                                   
Went abroad for a year and a day.                           
His flock, off the tether,                                  
Assembled together,                                         
And took a decision to stray.                               
                                                            
13844 CLERGY - VICARS                Tom Baker           P8806



The Vicar of Jude's in High Wycombe                         
Was asked by the nuns not to trick 'em                      
Into showing his act,                                       
Laying balls on a tract,                                    
And asking a novice to lick 'em.                            
                                                            
13845 CLERGY - VICARS                Jim Weaver Collection    



One morning, at tea with the Vicar,                         
Maud's maidenhood disappeared quicker                       
Than the blink of an eye,                                   
When he dripped Spanish Fly                                 
In her tea, and she prayed him to prick her!                
                                                            
13846 CLERGY - VICARS                Donald Hall         P8705



"Ah Vicar, we've lined up some men.                         
Take a really good look at them; then                       
Will you tell us in time,                                   
Who committed the crime?"                                   
Said the Vicar, "It's hymn number ten!"                     
                                                            
13847 CLERGY - VICARS                Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man from Blighty                          
Who wore a transparent nightie.                             
The vicar said, "Son,                                       
It's really not done,                                       
It's not wrong, but it's also not rightie."                 
                                                            
13848 CLERGY - VICARS                Spike Milligan      P0106



A vicar from Esher called Hughes,                           
Used to greatly enjoy a quick snooze,                       
At lunchtime or tea,                                        
If the pulpit was free.                                     
And if not, he'd kip in the pews.                           
(kip - quick nap)                                           
13849 CLERGY - VICARS                Michael Palin            



There was a young lady from Tottenham,                      
Whose manners--well, she'd forgotten 'em.                   
While at tea at the vicar's,                                
She kicked off her knickers,                                
Explaining she felt much too hot in 'em.                    
                                                            
13850 CLERGY - VICARS                Anon                L1590



Young Jane's off to tea at the vicars.                      
I hope that she's wearing fresh knickers.                   
For he's pretty keen                                        
That a virgin looks clean,                                  
Before he will shove in his dickers.                        
                                                            
13851 CLERGY - VICARS                Tiddy Ogg                



The vicar said, "Jane, like your mother,                    
Your figure compares to no other;                           
Your tits are a rackage,                                    
But I want the package                                      
That's stuffed in the pants of your brother."               
                                                            
13852 CLERGY - VICARS                Travis Brasell           



The screams and the squeals from St John                    
Are the passionate cries of Yvonne,                         
As she whips off her knickers                               
To entertain vicars                                         
And strangely, some priests from Taiwan.                    
                                                            
13853 CLERGY - VICARS                Peter Wilkins            



"How exciting." wheezed Archbishop Wickers,                 
The chief prelate among London's vicars.                    
"It's my first trip abroad                                  
And I know I'll be awed                                     
To see young New York lads wearing knickers."               
                                                            
13854 CLERGY - VICARS                Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



There was an old vicar of Croydon,                          
Whose cook was a regular hoyden.                            
She would sit on his knees,                                 
While shelling the peas,                                    
Or similar duties employed on.                              
                                                            
13855 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



Terry, a miner from Leeds                                   
Had many fundamental needs.                                 
He consulted a vicar,                                       
And proceeded to trick her                                  
Into performing several lewd deeds.                         
                                                            
13856 CLERGY - VICARS                Anon                     



Said the Bishop, "Dear Duchess, I hope                      
That someday you'll learn how to cope                       
With the terrible blow,                                     
Suffered by your ego,                                       
Since the vicar left you for the Pope!"                     
                                                            
13857 CLERGY - VICARS                Jim Weaver Collection    



The vicar looked out o'er the pews                          
And watched members paying their dues;                      
He then turned to look                                      
Outside by the brook                                        
And thanked heaven for all the ewes.                        
                                                            
13858 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



The wife of a thirsty old vicar                             
Is angry because he won't dick her.                         
He pours Bull from Schlitz                                  
On her snatch and her teats,                                
Then says, "I'm the worlds best malt licker!"               
                                                            
13859 CLERGY - VICARS                Peter Wilkins            



To a vicarage in the vicinity,                              
Went a chick to learn more of the trinity.                  
Though quick was the vicar,                                 
Her kicker was quicker,                                     
So he just barely nicked her virginity.                     
                                                            
13860 CLERGY - VICARS                Pierce Evans             



There was a young girl from Purdue                          
Who said to the rector, "We're through.                     
I have just met a vicar                                     
Who is quicker and slicker                                  
And he's not one to bicker like you."                       
                                                            
13861 CLERGY - VICARS                Albin Chaplin            



There was a sex-mad nun named Sue;                          
With the vicar, she went for a screw.                       
From New Years to Lent,                                     
Her sex was heaven sent,                                    
But was something they'd not know how to do.                
                                                            
13862 CLERGY - VICARS                Funny Bone               



In December the vicar is jolly,                             
With services, carols and holly.                            
At his bedside he prays                                     
That God hears what he says,                                
Then services Carol and Holly.                              
                                                            
13863 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



There once was a Vicar of Clymping,                         
Who earned tons of money from pimping.                      
When his Bishop asked why,                                  
He replied with a sigh,                                     
"Well, you can't have a man of God skimping."               
                                                            
13864 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



I like to play leap-frog with vicars,                       
For it plays merry hell with their tickers.                 
They utter loud cries                                       
And then drop like flies,                                   
In a heap, like a scrum down a Twickers.                    
                                                            
13865 CLERGY - VICARS                Bill Wall                



February, a short month, and ought                          
To be abolished, the vicar thought.                         
He sits all alone                                           
On his porcelain throne;                                    
Knows if he leaves, he'll be caught.                        
                                                            
13866 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



A party was held at the Vicar's,                            
And the nuns were all giggles and snickers,                 
When they loudly yelled "Fire!"                             
As he changed his attire,                                   
And they saw him run off in his knickers.                   
                                                            
13867 CLERGY - VICARS                Cap'n Bean               



And then there is May from West Bay,                        
Who demands to be screwed every day,                        
From the top of a steeple,                                  
By all of the people,                                       
Who've screwed with the Vicar of Bray.                      
                                                            
13868 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



While the vicar's wife you've been topping,                 
The vicar and I have been bopping                           
And bouncin'; what's more,                                  
On the floor, near the door,                                
Like two screwing rabbits, we're hopping!                   
                                                            
13869 CLERGY - VICARS                Arden                    



There was a young lady of Chean,                            
Who crept into the vestry unseen.                           
She pulled down her knickers,                               
Likewise the Vicar's,                                       
And said, "How about it, old bean?"                         
                                                            
13870 CLERGY - VICARS                Gerda Juhlen        L0539



One evening while listening to Brahms,                      
The vicars wife leaped in my arms.                          
In the ensuing melee,                                       
She danced on my belly                                      
And set off the fire alarms.                                
                                                            
13871 CLERGY - VICARS                Bill Wall                



My favourite church is St Matthew;                          
The vicar's a female called Kath. You                       
Must talk not of sex,                                       
Though, for muscles she'll flex,                            
As she dunks you in water to bath you.                      
                                                            
13872 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



"Given faith", sighed the vicar of Deenham,                 
"From the lusts of the flesh we might wean 'em.             
But the human soul sighs                                    
For a nice pair of thighs,                                  
And a little of what lies between 'em."                     
                                                            
13873 CLERGY - VICARS                Anon                G1100



My grandpa had a really good still                          
Behind the outhouse on the hill.                            
The greatest corn liquor                                    
He sold to the vicar,                                       
Who gave sermons stewed to the gills.                       
                                                            
13874 CLERGY - VICARS                Azul                     



Said a snuff-taking Vicar, "With ease,                      
I can stifle the noisiest sneeze."                          
But in chapel one day,                                      
His asshole gave way,                                       
And the shit filled his drawers to the knees.               
                                                            
13875 CLERGY - VICARS                                    L1679



The Vicar said, "Why, praise the Lord!                      
My pecker's as stiff as a board!                            
That the first time in years,                               
And it's cured all my fears,                                
That the word has more might than my sword!"                
                                                            
13876 CLERGY - VICARS                ROE                      



An arm-wrestling vicar from Looe                            
Invited some friends to a do.                               
Dressed only in shorts,                                     
He taught them some sports                                  
They thought very few vicars knew.                          
                                                            
13877 CLERGY - VICARS                Michael Palin            



Is it two-fifty still on the ticker?                        
Won't time ever go any quicker?                             
And after a jar                                             
Will I see pas de chat                                      
From a Terpsichorean vicar?                                 
                                                            
13878 CLERGY - VICARS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a fair lady from Bangor,                          
Who drove young men frantic with anger,                     
By going to matins                                          
In see-through white satins,                                
Till the Vicar was forced to harangue her.                  
                                                            
13879 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



A young vicar from old Inverness                            
Gave his sermon one day in a dress.                         
Not a kilt as you'd think,                                  
But a nice thing in pink,                                   
High heels and a pair of false breasts.                     
                                                            
13880 CLERGY - VICARS                                         



We thought him an absolute lamb;                            
But when he sat down in the jam,                            
On taking his seat                                          
At our Sunday school treat,                                 
We all heard our Vicar say "Damn!"                          
                                                            
13881 CLERGY - VICARS                Bob Birch           P9806



The vicar's binoculars are                                  
Deployed through a door kept ajar.                          
Like many old boys,                                         
The vicar enjoys                                            
VICARIOUS sex from afar.                                    
                                                            
13882 CLERGY - VICARS                Nick                     



There was a vinicolous Vicar,                               
Unduly addicted to liquor;                                  
He said, "There's no sin                                    
In whiskey or gin--                                         
The spirit thus enters much quicker."                       
(vinicolous - growing in or on wine)                        
13883 CLERGY - VICARS                Harold C Bibby           



A girl with a very big bust,                                
Went to the church vicar in trust.                          
She said she felt urges                                     
And powerful surges;                                        
The Father said a sample's a must.                          
                                                            
13884 CLERGY - VICARS                Bellal                   



The vicar of Burton-on-Trent                                
Told his flock why they had to repent.                      
But the shalts, shouldsts and oughtsts                      
That enrobed all his thoughts                               
Made it hard to see quite what he meant.                    
                                                            
13885 CLERGY - VICARS                Martin Guy               



When wearied with lurid affairs,                            
I take my leave, quite unawares,                            
To some holy place                                          
That no one can trace                                       
And taste vicars' wives pubic hairs.                        
                                                            
13886 CLERGY - VICARS                Travis Brasell           



She threw a party last fall                                 
Much to the delight of us all                               
She served lots of gin,                                     
Then proceeded to sin                                       
With the Vicar, the choir and all.                          
                                                            
13887 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



After the guests had all left,                              
She was feeling herself quite bereft.                       
She said with a sigh,                                       
The Vicar was high                                          
And the Choir with men was not blessed.                     
                                                            
13888 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll try again next spring                                  
A joyous gleeful fling                                      
One with less Gin                                           
And I hope much more sin                                    
With a male, quartet to sing.                               
                                                            
13889 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



"Some cucumber sandwiches, vicar?"                          
Smiled spinster Miss Emily Whicker,                         
"I've got some Earl Grey                                    
In the kitchen..."  "No way,"                               
Growled the vicar, "Just give me some liquor."              
                                                            
13890 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"But vicar...the Devil's own brew...?"                      
"Oh for God's, you simpering do-                            
Gooder; always so grim                                      
And self-righteously prim...                                
You can stuff those damn sandwiches too."                   
                                                            
13891 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"But vicar, for years I have been                           
A parishoner active and keen."                              
"Well I'm sick of your spying                               
And poling and prying,                                      
While keeping my vicarage clean."                           
                                                            
13892 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"But vicar..."  "You're fired, you old bag."                
"But I won't tell a soul 'bout that mag                     
Or those video clips,"                                      
She said, baring her nips,                                  
"If you promise to give me a shag."                         
                                                            
13893 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"Oh jeeze; this is blackmail, you cow."                     
"Yes I know; if you don't then I vow                        
To let everyone know                                        
What a perv you are, so...                                  
Are you going to fuck me right now?"                        
                                                            
13894 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"Forgive me my trespasses, Yes!"                            
Said the vic in great cassock distress.                     
"Oh my dearest Miss Whicker..."                             
"Get on with it, vicar..."                                  
(And there we should leave them, I guess.)                  
                                                            
13895 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



I'm having a secret affair                                  
With the wife of the vicar.  Aware                          
That it's morally wrong                                     
To be screwing my dong,                                     
She recites, sott-voz, this prayer...                       
                                                            
13896 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



..."Sweet Jesus, I know this is mad,                        
But Oh Lord, I have never been had                          
By my husband this way;                                     
Please forgive me I pray,                                   
But I just cannot stop being bad."                          
                                                            
13897 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



An indolent vicar of Bray,                                  
Spent before he withdrew, one fine day.                     
His wife, more alert,                                       
Got a vaginal squirt,                                       
And said to her spouse, "Let us pray!"                      
                                                            
13898 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES                           L0915



An indolent vicar of Bray                                   
His roses allowed to decay;                                 
His wife, more alert,                                       
Brought a powerful squirt,                                  
And said to her spouse, "Let us spray."                     
                                                            
13899 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Langford Reed     (Bibby)



I've given up verses perverted;                             
I've now seen the light, I'm converted.                     
Had tea at the vicar's...                                   
Then saw his wife's knickers,                               
While climbing the stairs, mini-skirted.                    
                                                            
13900 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES                                



The vicar rushed off for a funeral,                         
(Let's face it, that job's more remuneral,                  
Than saving a sinner,"                                      
So soon I was in 'er,                                       
My passion she'd not find impugneral.                       
                                                            
13901 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES                                



A wrinkled old bawd named McGee,                            
Invited the Vicar for tea.                                  
Perhaps it is best                                          
That I not tell the rest,                                   
Besides, I won't tell it for free!                          
                                                            
13902 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Samiyam                  



Well, I'll tell, and mind not who bickers;                  
McGee opens closet, shows vicars                            
Shocked eyes, his trophies;                                 
The vicar's wife, Sophie's                                  
Collection of open crotch knickers.                         
                                                            
13903 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



The vicar in his tracks did freeze,                         
On eyeing the sights such as these.                         
For never in his life                                       
He'd suspected his wife                                     
Would dare to be caught in such sleaze.                     
                                                            
13904 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       George Watson            



The vicar, his knees feeling numb,                          
Decided that he would play dumb.                            
"I think t'was a fart                                       
Tore her britches apart!                                    
No wonders she's such a sore bum!"                          
                                                            
13905 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       George Watson            



Samantha from Milford-on-Sea,                               
Invited the vicar to tea.                                   
As they sat side by side                                    
On the sofa, he cried:                                      
"May I put my hand on your knee?"                           
                                                            
13906 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



Sam said: "You may certainly not!                           
That's surely a far too low spot.                           
So sir, I'd prefer                                          
You no longer defer,                                        
And give a good grope to my twat."                          
                                                            
13907 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



He put down his cup of Earl Grey;                           
He'd found revelation today.                                
And soon he was creaming...                                 
Their orgasmic screaming                                    
Could be heard all around Christchurch Bay.                 
                                                            
13908 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



"Dear Bishop," the Vicar began,                             
"I'm glad I'm no longer a man;                              
But should I resign                                         
From my mission devine?                                     
Allelujah!  Yours faithfully, Stan."                        
                                                            
13909 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"Dear Stanley," the Bishop wrote back,                      
"The Lord doesn't care what you lack;                       
Indeed I confess                                            
You look good in a dress.                                   
Allelujah!  Yours faithfully, Jack."                        
                                                            
13910 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Bishop," the Vicar replied,                             
"For years I've been trying to hide                         
My feelings for thee,                                       
But now woman I be.                                         
Allelujah!  I'm happy inside."                              
                                                            
13911 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



"Dear Bishop," the Vicar asserted,                          
"I'm thinking of how you once flirted                       
With me as I knelt,                                         
And the passion we felt...                                  
Allelujah!  My clit has just squirted!"                     
                                                            
13912 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Travis Brasell           



"Dear Stanley," the Bishop confessed,                       
I do like the way that you're dressed;                      
But frankly, my joys                                        
Are provided by boys;                                       
Allelujah!  But hadn't you guessed?"                        
                                                            
13913 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



There was a young vicar named Jock                          
Who had something amiss with his cock.                      
Said the nurse with a frown,                                
"Well, you better lie down."                                
Said the vicar, "Prepare for a shock!"                      
                                                            
13914 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



She took off the underpants clerical,                       
Saying ('mid laughter hysterical),                          
"Vicar, your dong                                           
Looks decidedly wrong;                                      
Unlike others, it's perfectly spherical!"                   
                                                            
13915 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



"Although I am circular here,                               
And admit that it looks a bit queer,"                       
Said the vicar, "Down there                                 
I have other things square;                                 
Have you noticed my testicles, dear?"                       
                                                            
13916 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



She burst into laughter once more                           
As she took a good look at the poor                         
Vicar's six-sided cubes,                                    
Tucked away in his pubes;                                   
Then she opened the surgury door.                           
                                                            
13917 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



She shouted out, "Look what I've found!"                    
So her colleagues all gathered around.                      
And they stared at the vicar's                              
Odd bits, wet their knickers,                               
And laughingly fell to the ground.                          
                                                            
13918 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



The commotion attracted a crowd                             
Of the public who guffawed aloud                            
With unbridled delight                                      
At the curious sight                                        
Of the vicar so strangely endowed.                          
                                                            
13919 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



Then producers and camera crews                             
From the media (TV and News)                                
Got to hear of the fun                                      
And came at a run,                                          
Just to ask his opinion and views.                          
                                                            
13920 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



The vicar looked up from his cock                           
And he said, "I don't care if you mock:                     
'Cause I've waited, my dears,                               
For a number of years                                       
To quadruple the size of my flock.                          
                                                            
13921 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



And now I have got your attention                           
(My sole and specific intention)                            
I hope you'll elect                                         
To be part of my sect                                       
And attend my religious convention."                        
                                                            
13922 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



Remember the vicar called Jock                              
With his perfectly spherical cock                           
And his cubical balls?                                      
Well he preached in St. Paul's,                             
And he cause the archbishop a shock.                        
                                                            
13923 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



He said, "Now my teaching's begun;                          
I'll continue until I am done;                              
And my sermon today                                         
Is that sex is OK;                                          
Even do-it-yourself is quite fun."                          
                                                            
13924 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



The fact that he preached onanism,                          
Created one helluva schism.                                 
The bishop implored                                         
Him, "Return to the Lord."                                  
But he said "My religion is jism."                          
                                                            
13925 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



The People, the Press, and TV                               
Heard his sermon and shouted with glee;                     
"We believe in you Jock!                                    
Will you play with your cock                                
And your cubical balls for a fee?"                          
                                                            
13926 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



"In order I don't make a loss,"                             
Said young Jock, "it's ten dollars a toss.                  
And I'll need half an hour                                  
Between each milky shower."                                 
And the People cried, "Jock, you're the boss!"              
                                                            
13927 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



He passed 'round a bucket or three,                         
And they threw in their ten dollar fee;                     
While his pockets he lined                                  
With a contract he signed                                   
For a "Jack with Jock" show on TV.                          
                                                            
13928 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



"Now fondle your spherical root!"                           
Said the People, "You promised to shoot!"                   
But he ran from the scene                                   
In a black limousine,                                       
And escaped with the buckets of loot.                       
                                                            
13929 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



Next day in a town far away,                                
There arrived a young vicar called Ray.                     
He appeared to be healthy,                                  
Considerably wealthy,                                       
And eager to preach every day.                              
                                                            
13930 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Peter W                  



The vicar said "Pray to the Lord,"                          
Then preached; all the people grew bored.                   
It seemed he would speak,                                   
For over a week,                                            
And some snored, while others ignored.                      
                                                            
13931 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES                                



He then left the church and the pulpit,                     
His foot stepped in dung - out he pulled it.                
His language was choice.                                    
From his boot came a voice,                                 
"Like you, rev, I'm just talking bullshit."                 
                                                            
13932 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES                                



True, reverends should please trim their words,             
For if longer'n an hour and two thirds,                     
When homeward en route,                                     
He'll find on his boot                                      
Some smelly and sarcastic turds.                            
                                                            
13933 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES                                



In January, which is cold and wet,                          
The vicar decided to see the vet.                           
He took his lapdog, Lucy May                                
And to the vet said, "Let us spay."                         
It's plain she will not pregnant get.                       
                                                            
13934 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Frank                    



February is a shortish month, and ought                     
To be abolished, the vicar thought.                         
He sits all alone                                           
On his porcelain throne,                                    
Knows if he leaves, he'll be caught short.                  
                                                            
13935 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Frank                    



In March the dear vicar goes wild,                          
And each virgin is given a child.                           
He says that December                                       
Will help them remember                                     
Virgin births, and when they were defiled.                  
                                                            
13936 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



In April, while taking a shower,                            
The vicar saw what he thought was a flower.                 
"Let us spray", he declaimed,                               
And the rose head was aimed                                 
Up his arse, with the maximum power.                        
                                                            
13937 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



In May when the vicar goes nuts,                            
He considers choir boys and their guts,                     
While they're kneeling they eat,                            
'Till they're all quite replete,                            
While he just attends to their butts.                       
                                                            
13938 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



In June, when sunbathing nude,                              
The vicar did something quite crude.                        
Without even a "pardon"                                     
He thrice used his hard on,                                 
Three parishioners say he'll be sued!                       
                                                            
13939 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



The vicar finds he must rely,                               
On the animals during July,                                 
To obtain his oats;                                         
Sees both sheep and goats,                                  
And visits the pigs in their sty.                           
                                                            
13940 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



August is an awkward month as naught seems to rhyme,        
And vicars on holiday, if they have the time.               
So come all you sinners,                                    
We will all become winners,                                 
Joining vicars screwing girls in the chorus line.           
                                                            
13941 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Frank                    



In autumn, in the month of September,                       
The vicar tries so, to remember.                            
The vows that he took,                                      
While holding the Book,                                     
Fail to discourage his member.                              
                                                            
13942 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



The vicar reserves all October,                             
For trying just once to stay sober.                         
He knows he will fail,                                      
And the first piece of tail,                                
He will drunkenly grab, and disrobe her.                    
                                                            
13943 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



How dull and drear the month of November;                   
The vicar sits holding his member.                          
To help him to think,                                       
He dips it in ink,                                          
And writes what he needs to remember.                       
                                                            
13944 CLERGY - VICARS - SERIES       Prof M-G                 



Oh the charm of that voice from the pulpit,                 
Yet as varied in use as a tool-kit!                         
What astonishing range!                                     
What power to change!                                       
I would follow that voice through a bull pit!               
(Bull shit - McW)                                           
13945 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Laurence Perrine    P8706



Those high Anglican priests were the nadir                  
Of the sex, for she said it dismayed her,                   
That the seven just goosed her,                             
While the rabbi'd seduced her,                              
And the Catholic fathers all laid her.                      
                                                            
13946 CLERGY - ZOTHER                A. N. Wilkins       P8507



The Walking Apostle of Hope                                 
Extends his right hand, as to grope:                        
"My ways are infernal,                                      
But hope springs eternal                                    
Who knows? I might be the next Pope!"                       
                                                            
13947 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                         



The battle of sexes is raging,                              
And like wine and cheese has been aging.                    
But, unlike those two,                                      
It is simply not true                                       
That the war improves with it waging.                       
                                                            
13948 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Macsam                   



There was an old lady of Cheadle,                           
Who sat down in church on a needle.                         
The needle, though blunt,                                   
Penetrated her cunt,                                        
But was promptly removed by the beadle.                     
                                                            
13949 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    L1147



A pleasant old lady named Tweedle                           
Went to church; and sat on a needle.                        
Though deeply imbedded                                      
'Twas luckily threaded                                      
And deftly pulled out by the beadle.                        
                                                            
13950 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Jim Weaver Collection    



A religious young beadle named Chase                        
Had a fancy for the female race.                            
It sorely bereft him                                        
When Faith and Hope left him;                               
So he journeyed to Rome and found Grace.                    
                                                            
13951 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Ferris T. McMilford P8304



He invited the canon to drink.                              
He drank from a keg by the sink.                            
As last, fully loaded,                                      
The canon exploded.                                         
The barrel was emptied, I think.                            
                                                            
13952 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Laurence Perrine    P8503



There was a vainglorious Canon,                             
Disdained a mere eucharist fanon;                           
As mystical host                                            
He used buttered toast,                                     
And flaunted a gaudy gonfanon.                              
(fanon - religious cloth, gonfanon - lance's war flag)      
13953 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Harold C Bibby           



There once was a choleric colonel,                          
Who used oaths both obscene and infernal;                   
Till the Chaplin, aghast,                                   
Gave up protest at last,                                    
And just wrote them down in his journal.                    
                                                            
13954 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                         



There was a young chaplain named Bob                        
Who said with a tremulous sob,                              
"The girls all say, 'Try us,'                               
But I'm so damned pious,                                    
I cannot lay down on the job."                              
                                                            
13955 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Isaac Asimov             



There was a researcher named Gill,                          
Who went for men over the hill.                             
She found a chaplain called Clive,                          
Who looked forty-five.                                      
But the dog collar gave her a thrill.                       
                                                            
13956 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Nat Rudolf               



There was a young chaplain named Clive,                     
Whose office was very alive.                                
He was fond of a drink,                                     
And that's why, I think,                                    
The chapel should not be a dive.                            
                                                            
13957 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Jim Weaver Collection    



A chaplain who came from Kamloops                           
Invented a game for the troops,                             
Which was not too complex                                   
And was more fun than sex,                                  
And was moral when played by large groups.                  
                                                            
13958 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Albin Chaplin   3024-2633



A cure from Boulogne-sur-mer,                               
Threw the collection up into the air.                       
"What stays up is for Thee;                                 
What comes down is for me,"                                 
He said, "Don't you think, Lord, that's fair?"              
                                                            
13959 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Charles Connel      P0311



There was an Archdeacon of Bristol,                         
Who murdered nis niece with a pistol.                       
Said he, "I can't bear                                      
Your absurdly cropped hair,                                 
And your listening-in with a crystal."                      
                                                            
13960 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Punch 1926               



There was an abhorrent Archdeacon,                          
Who loved to find failings to sneak on;                     
His joy was profound                                        
Whenever he found                                           
A deacon his rancor to wreak on.                            
                                                            
13961 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Harold C Bibby           



The deacon, unhappily wed,                                  
Once smuggled a pig into bed.                               
The prick of the pig                                        
Was what you'd call big,                                    
And it cork-screwed the deacon instead.                     
                                                            
13962 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    G1343



A deacon of Tartary-Crim,                                   
Whose notions of fucking were grim,                         
Used to get lots of fun                                     
Out of stuffing a nun,                                      
With the Sign of the Cross on her quim.                     
                                                            
13963 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    G1164



The Bishop refused to ordain                                
His deacon who could not abstain.                           
Instead of The Book he                                      
Would worship the nookey                                    
Procured from the choir, his bane.                          
                                                            
13964 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Dick Buenger        P8308



Mused the deacon, in deepest dejection,                     
As he passed 'round the box for collection:                 
"If it comes to the worst,                                  
Can a curate be cursed,                                     
Or a rector be wrecked by erection."                        
                                                            
13965 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    G1099



In Bend lived a deacon named Croft,                         
Who played with his organ and oft.                          
It became such a habit,                                     
It upset the abbot,                                         
So they sent him to play in the loft.                       
                                                            
13966 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A preacher who preached in Dundee                           
Related this story to me,                                   
"Twas a girl in the choir                                   
Whose ass was for hire,                                     
But the Deacons could have her for free."                   
                                                            
13967 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Bob Birch           P0206



That maiden who lost her virginity                          
To a lustful D.D. in Divinity.                              
Was heard to exclaim:                                       
"He's to blame with his claim                               
That the penis and balls are the Trinity.                   
                                                            
13968 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    G1171



All the girlies that live around Clwyd,                     
Know up in the hills lives a druid,                         
And he loves to tease,                                      
Till they open their knees,                                 
Then he fills 'em with seminal fluid.                       
                                                            
13969 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                         



"Hey Girls," said a fellow from Clwyd,                      
"I've wonderful powers as a druid."                         
'Twas just an excuse                                        
In order to goose                                           
Them, then fill them with seminal fluid.                    
                                                            
13970 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                         



There was a young lady named Astor                          
Who first fucked the lads who were faster,                  
And then business men                                       
And the young lads again,                                   
Then the rabbi, the priest and the pastor.                  
                                                            
13971 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Albin Chaplin   3024-0967



A witless young girl of Vancouver                           
Was vague about bedroom maneuver.                           
So her Sunday School teacher                                
Made an effort to reach her,                                
And with faith, persevered to improve her.                  
                                                            
13972 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Albin Chaplin   3024-1108



In temples lived two horny lamas,                           
Who left to chase girls in pajamas.                         
But girls in pajamas                                        
Run faster than lamas,                                      
So they're back in their temples with traumas.              
                                                            
13973 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Jim Weaver Collection    



From talking to good Pastor Dave,                           
I now know how God will behave.                             
He'll rip out your soul                                     
And spit in the hole,                                       
And dump rat feces in your grave!                           
                                                            
13974 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Steve Schrader           



Ignore that man, old Pastor Dave;                           
He forgot that God wants to save                            
The whole of mankind,                                       
Who are still walking blind,                                
And ignoring the gifts that he gave.                        
                                                            
13975 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Jon Downie               



That Pastor Dave is a twit;                                 
Into Arc-t he don't fit.                                    
His theories are nonsense,                                  
And where is his conscience?                                
In fact, he's a big hypocrit!                               
                                                            
13976 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Mike Bigg                



There was a appalling old Prior,                            
Who was quite an unprincipled liar;                         
He'd swear black was white,                                 
That daytime was night,                                     
Or heaven was hot as hell-fire.                             
                                                            
13977 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Harold C Bibby           



Oh Limmers all, please do not trust                         
The words of the Reverend Thrust.                           
He deflowers owls                                           
With demonic howls,                                         
And a little green lizard what bust!                        
                                                            
13978 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                         



A monastery mason at Muse,                                  
Said, "This site is a sink of abuse;                        
And as for the Prior,                                       
He'll fry in hell-fire:                                     
His sins are not scarlet, they're puce."                    
                                                            
13979 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Harold C. Bibby          



A rabbi, a nun, and a monk                                  
Went into the town for a drunk;                             
The rabbi got laid,                                         
The nun only prayed,                                        
The monk ended up in a funk.                                
                                                            
13980 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Cap'n Bean          P0308



A rabbi, a priest, and a nun                                
Decided to have some good fun.                              
But they're all so religious                                
And highly litigious --                                     
That I fear that my story is done.                          
                                                            
13981 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Paul Chernoff            



The nun we did learn was a tart;                            
To the nunnery she did depart,                              
And learned on the way                                      
It meant house of good lay.                                 
And that is how she got her start.                          
                                                            
13982 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Arden                    



There was chrysophilist Rector,                             
Toward sin, was a sincere objector;                         
But he never had qualms                                     
About stealing alms--                                       
He claimed as a coinage collector.                          
(chrysophilist - gold-lover)                                
13983 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Harold C Bibby           



The rector of West Constipation                             
Created an awful sensation;                                 
It was often his wont                                       
To jerk off in the font,                                    
And three virgins are far in gestation.                     
                                                            
13984 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    G1175



There was a gay Rector of Poole,                            
Most deservedly proud of his tool.                          
With some trifling aid,                                     
From the curate, 'tis said,                                 
He rogered the National School.                             
                                                            
13985 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    L0559



The sweet young music director                              
Was a favorite with the rector.                             
Her name was Morgan;                                        
She played his organ,                                       
And drank of his heavenly nectar.                           
                                                            
13986 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Kaylin                   



Said the Sally Ann Captain, "How mean!                      
This, by far, 's the worst rabble I've seen.                
Some wine-sodden bum                                        
'S pissed upside the base drum,                             
And there's barf in my best tambourine!"                    
(Sally Ann - Salvation Army?)                               
13987 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Robin K. Willoughby P8707



A Salvation Army gal Joan,                                  
Gave a recluse who lived all alone                          
A nice honey baked ham,                                     
And he said to her, "Ma'am,                                 
I will eat it and give you the bone."                       
                                                            
13988 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Albin Chaplin            



When the sexton shall in a church-close bury                
The brilliant, the versatile Rosebery,                      
We shall say: Never one                                     
Of our statesmen has done                                   
Such deeds as were not done by Rosebery.                    
                                                            
13989 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Punch 1902, Vol 122, p259



There was necrophilous Sexton,                              
Who had all the parish perplexed. On                        
The north of the nave                                       
He dug up a grave --                                        
At noon, when there should have been sext on.               
(sext - a recitation at twelve noon)                        
13990 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Harold C Bibby           



Said a whimsical sexton named Hughes                        
To his summer replacement, "Good news!                      
You will find, Mister Finch,                                
That this job is a cinch --                                 
If you just mind your keys and your pews!"                  
                                                            
13991 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Five-line Frolics   P0201



There was a young fairy named Birch,                        
Who developed a taste for the church,                       
And monks, priests, and preachers.                          
Such tunicked holy creatures,                               
Were the uplifted ends of his search.                       
                                                            
13992 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    G0533



There was a vile molochite Verger,                          
Who, paid as a baptismal submerger,                         
Could see nothing wrong                                     
In submerging too long --                                   
To earn a fresh fee as a dirger.                            
(molochite - follower of Moloch using human sacrifice)      
13993 CLERGY - ZOTHER                Harold C Bibby           



As the verger explored her hot pants,                       
A Sunday school teacher in Hants                            
Cried, "I don't think that God                              
Approves vergers who prod,                                  
But you must now, to quiet my ants!"                        
                                                            
13994 CLERGY - ZOTHER                                    G1140



A man of the cloth must abstain                             
From the delights of fleshy domain.                         
Though staunchness abounds,                                 
This question still sounds:                                 
Is the pleasure worth the refrain?                          
                                                            
13995 CLERGY - ZOTHER                LaDonna Jones       P8503



With the shoot-down, the Cuban plot thickens,               
And of course, Willy's policy sickens.                      
Bay of Pigs had come first;                                 
Of more failures he's versed;                               
And now we all watch Bay of Chickens.                       
                                                            
13996 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton, quite pink if not red,                        
To his generals assembled, once said,                       
"In my 'Nam years I found,                                  
You must switch things around--                             
Jill belongs in the tank, Joe in bed.                       
(someone has to explain this one - McW)                     
13997 CLINTON - ARMY                                          



O'Grady of the US Air Corps                                 
Hid from Serbs for four days plus one more.                 
Clinton said, "Cheers.                                      
But for five years                                          
I avoided the Vietnam War!"                                 
                                                            
13998 CLINTON - ARMY                 Thomas M. Patton    P9508



To distract from his scandals and scam,                     
Slick Willie drops bombs on Saddam.                         
Strange to say, no one asks                                 
Who sells "mad dogs" anthrax;                               
The answer, of course, Uncle Sam.                           
                                                            
13999 CLINTON - ARMY                 Beelzebub          TP9802



Bill Clinton has threatened to bomb                         
More targets to rein in Saddam.                             
It's ironic in fact                                         
That it seems like an act                                   
He protested once in Vietnam.                               
                                                            
14000 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



U.S. troops to the Bosnian war                              
Would be back home by Christmas, Bill swore.                
But he didn't mention                                       
It was his intention                                        
To replace them with 5000 more!                             
                                                            
14001 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



About Bosnian war "mission creep":                          
Clinton hopes we are all fast asleep.                       
U.S. troops coming back                                     
Are replaced without flack,                                 
With only kids, wives and moms left to weep.                
                                                            
14002 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



We've all heard how terribly hard                           
Dole's wounds left him broken and scarred.                  
But Clinton with aplomb                                     
Just points to his thumb                                    
Which got burned when he spurned his draft card.            
                                                            
14003 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's sending troops into Zaire.                        
Somewhere over a thousand, I hear.                          
But that's just the core.                                   
Over four thousand more                                     
Will be needed to cover their rears.                        
                                                            
14004 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



O'Grady dodged Serbian detention,                           
For five days Scott evaded attention.                       
But when decorated,                                         
Our President stated,                                       
"Dodging's something that we never mention."                
                                                            
14005 CLINTON - ARMY                 James M. Menger     P9508



"I want one!" Bill bellowed with laughter.                  
A new limo was what he was after.                           
But the engineer's whim                                     
Put him out on a limb;                                      
Chrysler gave him the all-new Dodge Drafter.                
                                                            
14006 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Scott O'Grady hid out for five days                         
In Bosnia, which didn't amaze                               
Bill Clinton, by damn!                                      
He dodged Viet Nam                                          
In numerous devious ways.                                   
                                                            
14007 CLINTON - ARMY                 James M. Menger     P9408



I'm Clinton, Commander in Chief;                            
I've had little wars, very brief.                           
Didn't fight in the ranks                                   
In trenches and tanks,                                      
The Draft Board gave me little grief.                       
                                                            
14008 CLINTON - ARMY                 John Miller              



In Europe he'll make the inspection;                        
The Generals gave Bill some reception.                      
These brave troops need to hear                             
They'll be back in a year.                                  
Sit here in the draft-dodger section.                       
                                                            
14009 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



How did Clinton evade Vietnam?                              
What excuses were told Uncle Sam?                           
"Well, saltpeter is one--                                   
It would dampen my fun.                                     
And don't field rations still contain Spam?"                
                                                            
14010 CLINTON - ARMY                 William N. Nesbit   P9609



If Bill bombs Iraq, he'll regret it;                        
Even Boris has told him to 'nyet' it.                       
Treating war like a game,                                   
Can bring nothing but shame.                                
If Bill has any sense, he'll forget it!                     
                                                            
14011 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



If Bill bombs Iraq, he'll regret it.                        
And the world will be mad we upset it.                      
And you cannot ignore                                       
Retired Vets from old wars:                                 
"If you won't do it right, then forget it!"                 
                                                            
14012 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Clinton, "I've altered the rules                       
Of what soldiers may do with their tools.                   
There are fun little games                                  
You can play without dames.                                 
That I learned in those old English schools."               
                                                            
14013 CLINTON - ARMY                 Martin Wellborn     P9303



The irony's hard to ignore:                                 
A draft dodger leads us to war!                             
He loudly protested                                         
A war he detested,                                          
But this one he seems to adore!                             
                                                            
14014 CLINTON - ARMY                                          



He's no gung-ho strafer, you say?                           
While he "wagged the dog" to duck a fray?                   
Some Sudanese might                                         
Have got quite a fright                                     
On Bill's missile-diplomacy day.                            
                                                            
14015 CLINTON - ARMY                                          



Active duty sure gives us a hoot;                           
There he is, shining his combat boot.                       
Of Commander in Chiefs,                                     
When Bill drops his briefs,                                 
Paula found not too much to salute.                         
                                                            
14016 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Clinton,                      
Who the military he did no stint in.                        
But with his guile,                                         
And pandering smile,                                        
On the road to ruin has bent in.                            
                                                            
14017 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



When they called him, he just wasn't there;                 
Out protesting the war wasn't fair.                         
Now he's given his shot                                     
To be cutting a lot;                                        
Will the Pentagon soon be a square?                         
                                                            
14018 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



With recruits into bed they would hop;                      
At Excelsior Hotel, pants would drop.                       
It is nothing that's new;                                   
Sergeants each take their cue,                              
From the pervert who sits at the top.                       
                                                            
14019 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Imagine the Pope is a thief;                                
The Vegans are out eating beef;                             
Jeffrey Dahmer is chef,                                     
Jimmy Carter's Hugh Hef --                                  
And Bill Clinton's Commander-in-Chief.                      
                                                            
14020 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Clinton, "My policy's clear;                           
We induct in the Army, the queer.                           
We won't ask; we won't spy;                                 
But when the real bullets fly,                              
He's the one that we'll stick in the rear."                 
                                                            
14021 CLINTON - ARMY                 Martin Wellborn     P9308



For the gays Willy's taking a stand;                        
From the Army they cannot be banned.                        
Having their own platoons                                   
To the beat of show tunes;                                  
"To the rear, march" is every command.                      
                                                            
14022 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



If we let Clinton order our troops                          
To Zaire, then we are indeed stupes!                        
Cholera's on the rampage                                    
Plus a new strain of AIDS,                                  
In the midst of a tribal dispute.                           
                                                            
14023 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Abandoning the feminine and queer                           
Assures Wall Street they've nothing to fear.                
I'll jump through their hoops,                              
And I'll even send troops.                                  
Hell No, not Somalia -- Zaire !                             
                                                            
14024 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



This boast which I've heard once before,                    
Has me laughing aloud on the floor.                         
"War leader?"  Absurd!                                      
Or perhaps I misheard;                                      
Do you think that he really mean "whore?"                   
                                                            
14025 CLINTON - ARMY                 John Miller              



You say what -- no wars have been fought?                   
Bill's supporters seem just as a thought:                   
Either lacking in mind                                      
Or partially blind;                                         
Jesus, how fast they've forgot!                             
                                                            
14026 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Tomahawk missiles, four score,                              
Were fired on two countries: THAT'S WAR!                    
Ninety million was blown                                    
On the missiles alone;                                      
Twice what Starr spent, and now there is more:              
                                                            
14027 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Now, I hope, for our great country's sake,                  
That the pretext for this wasn't fake.                      
(Just add to the cost                                       
All the lives that were lost.)                              
AND IT COULD JUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE!                      
                                                            
14028 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



To boost up his poll numbers more,                          
Clinton ordered our troops into war.                        
Bill led them with verve,                                   
And cold steely nerve,                                      
As he waved from America's shore.                           
                                                            
14029 CLINTON - ARMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There were some White House bumblers,                       
Just checking for Republican grumblers,                     
Who learned all their histories,                            
And answers to mysteries,                                   
And which had been I.R.S. stumblers.                        
                                                            
14030 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Don Hart                 



This all was quite normal and amiably informal.             
There was nothing amiss,                                    
'Cept the way they scoffed Labor                            
And a crotchety neighbor                                    
And that unhealthy lint in their piss.                      
                                                            
14031 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Don Hart                 



At the temple, Gore's showing the way;                      
He'll be filling his pockets today.                         
"Vow of poverty sucks;                                      
Will you pass me the bucks,                                 
Then we'll get down to business and pray."                  
                                                            
14032 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



New appointments Bill handles with vigor;                   
He quickly is pulling the trigger.                          
Compared to old Warren                                      
And four years of snorin',                                  
Ms. Albright has huevos much bigger.                        
                                                            
14033 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



I hope you don't think I'll be kicking,                     
'Cause on my great leader you're picking?                   
He thinks he's a rose,                                      
But he's got a brown nose,                                  
From all of his Clinton's arse licking.                     
                                                            
14034 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES                                    



Bill's appointments all fuel the debate;                    
We have suffered a horrible fate.                           
All are filled with much doubt.                             
He does not check them out.                                 
It's the gang that just couldn't shoot straight.            
                                                            
14035 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



On to China they'll go to confer;                           
Their agenda no man can deter.                              
An announcement at dawn                                     
That the bags are all gone,                                 
It's not luggage to which they refer.                       
                                                            
14036 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The convictions create such a fear;                         
More are facing some problems, we hear.                     
They are after, it's said,                                  
Willy's partner in bed,                                     
Which makes Rodham think she's in the clear.                
                                                            
14037 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The rats in the White House all scurry                      
To hide things that make Clinton worry.                     
I will bet you a beer,                                      
That when all the smoke clears,                             
The fall-guy will be Betty Currie!                          
                                                            
14038 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



I felt sorry for poor Betty Currie,                         
On her way to speak to the Grand Jury.                      
She could not disguise                                      
The fear in her eyes.                                       
What she knows causes some folks to worry.                  
                                                            
14039 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Bob Bennet says he smells a rat.                            
Well, there isn't much doubt about that.                    
His statement rings true                                    
Because I smell one too,                                    
And the White House is right where it's at!                 
                                                            
14040 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           John Miller              



"Woof! Hillary!" said Buddy, First Dog,                     
"Did you get a prince or a frog?                            
If you'll keep me whole --                                  
Grant me sexual parole --                                   
I'll bite his off, next time we jog."                       
                                                            
14041 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Marsha Magee             



Gore's whining that "They don't believe us.                 
It really is starting to peeve us."                         
Then he heard MTV;                                          
"Bill, about you and me,                                    
Which one's Butthead and which one is Bevis?"               
                                                            
14042 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Ms Chavez, the Bush nomination                              
For Labor, supports pernoctation                            
By immigrant maids                                          
In the charity grades,                                      
Whose employment's exempt from taxation.                    
                                                            
14043 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Peter Wilkins            



From his father no lesson he took;                          
In the mirror does he dare to look?                         
Senate's conscience was Tom,                                
But son Chris is a bomb,                                    
Because Dodd is a shill for a crook.                        
                                                            
14044 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



They roared in as smug as can be,                           
And the witch fired all she could see.                      
They are nothing but slugs,                                 
All those Arkansas thugs;                                   
Let's evict them and clean the debris.                      
                                                            
14045 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



A full-of-bull lawyer named Bennett,                        
Took Slick Willie's case for to win it.                     
Bob's sibling touts morals,                                 
While he covers Bill's "orals",                             
Bad genes, or breech birth?  I'm agin it!                   
                                                            
14046 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



A new campaign twist is before us,                          
The quick fall from grace by Dick Morris.                   
But don't watch for a sob                                   
From those after his job.                                   
Just watch for a huge tug-of-war-us.                        
                                                            
14047 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The other day saw big news made,                            
How "Dick" Morris was excellently laid.                     
The lady, a looker,                                         
Was also a hooker.                                          
But at least she was getting well paid.                     
                                                            
14048 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Morris to the judge in black robe,                     
"I found her while scouring the globe.                      
The perfect demeanor                                        
To play 'Hide-the-wiener'                                   
With the President's Whitewater probe."                     
                                                            
14049 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's pals swear that he is dependable,                    
His friendship and loyalty unbendable.                      
So it comes as surprise                                     
When they each realize                                      
That when push comes to shove, they're expendable.          
                                                            
14050 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



He is hiding out, just like a hermit.                       
All his cronies refuse to confirm it.                       
The scannergate scandal                                     
Is too much to handle,                                      
For the Democrat felon, McDermott.                          
                                                            
14051 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



As they finally open ruddy eyes,                            
And told of Foster's demise,                                
So from Starr's office, hark,                               
Vince died not in that park,                                
Oh my goodness, now that's a surprise.                      
                                                            
14052 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



In spite of their efforts to please,                        
They're as welcome as dogs with the fleas.                  
"Friends" tend to withdraw                                  
When you've broken the law,                                 
And let you take the blame for the sleaze.                  
                                                            
14053 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



They've been weathering all of the flaps,                   
While the truth has seen widening gaps.                     
It was very well planned                                    
When each raised his right hand;                            
They would have a gang memory lapse.                        
                                                            
14054 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



All the things that Bill needs to relax,                    
From loose women to juicy Big Macs,                         
Handlers ripped from his grip.                              
"Keep your mouth and pants zipped,                          
And get rid of that ear-shredding sax!"                     
                                                            
14055 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The White House is like a cartoon,                          
A tag team led by a buffoon.                                
These mental midgets                                        
Are beginning to fidget.                                    
They'll be gone by the next Harvest Moon.                   
                                                            
14056 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



When he heard how much Hubbell did steal,                   
Webster's pain, noble Clinton could feel.                   
Between numerous sobs,                                      
Bill cried, "Land him some jobs!                            
Because, otherwise, he won't heal."                         
                                                            
14057 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



In the Clinton and Rodham Society,                          
Where meanings have such a variety,                         
Did Hugh shame his friends"                                 
Well the answer depends                                     
On the meaning you give impropriety.                        
                                                            
14058 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Peter Wilkins            



In the past, Bill had lots of defenders,                    
Black and white, high and low, and all genders.             
But Golden Boy's going down.                                
His old pals can't be found.                                
They don't want to join Bill in the blender.                
                                                            
14059 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



An I.R.S. agent named Krause                                
Was arrested for dunning a mouse.                           
His fiscal abuse                                            
Was so damned obtuse,                                       
Now he's working in Clinton's White House.                  
                                                            
14060 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Pecos Bill               



As Bill's pals, they thought they'd get ahead.              
We're afraid that they chose the wrong bed.                 
There were no dividends                                     
For his three closest friends;                              
One in jail, one disgraced and one dead.                    
                                                            
14061 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



James Carville's wry smile is engagin'.                     
But behind it, his sharp mind is stagin'                    
A fat bag of tricks                                         
For campaign '96.                                           
Bob and Jack, keep an eye on this Cajun!                    
                                                            
14062 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's building a bridge to the slammer,                    
As each female he tries to enamor.                          
With a TOP SECRET dick                                      
And a mind that is sick,                                    
James Carville's beginning to stammer!                      
                                                            
14063 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Marsha Magee             



Non-Earthlings once crashed in our nation;                  
About Roswell we have affirmation.                          
No, it isn't some spoof                                     
'Cause James Carville is proof                              
Of alien life procreation.                                  
                                                            
14064 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



At her table she's watching the band.                       
You tell Jocelyn you're sorry she's canned.                 
When you meet Elder's pal,                                  
Whether guy or a gal,                                       
Just be careful when you shake the hand.                    
                                                            
14065 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Joe Kohn is no fan of Newt                                  
Since his pals got the November boot.                       
Conservatives grin                                          
At the mess they are in,                                    
Now that liberals can't get our loot.                       
                                                            
14066 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



So sorry, poor little Joe,                                  
Now that Newt is running the show.                          
Your freeloading ways                                       
Have numbered days;                                         
The deficit no longer will grow.                            
                                                            
14067 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



A liberal known as Joe Kohn,                                
Whose head is just one massive bone,                        
Had limericks lame,                                         
Politics were the same;                                     
He gets laid each night, all alone.                         
                                                            
14068 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The agents who have been assigned                           
To the White House are not deaf or blind.                   
But acute memory loss                                       
Would bring smiles to their boss,                           
And keep the guy firmly enshrined.                          
                                                            
14069 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



"Good morning," we're greeted today,                        
But when asked to describe in what way                      
It is good, Mike McCurry                                    
Becomes rather blurry,                                      
And explains that he really can't say.                      
                                                            
14070 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



McCurry is glad to step down.                               
The position he's in made him frown.                        
The bob and weave dance                                     
Has lost it's romance.                                      
Bags are packed; he can't wait to leave town!               
                                                            
14071 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



She was missing and Starr's chain they jerked;              
But no longer, and up his ears perked.                      
Now Ken's eyes are starry,                                  
Because they've found Mari;                                 
It looks like the milk carton worked.                       
                                                            
14072 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



With the question of bimbos, Bill fought her,               
So Hillary cut off his water.                               
A new jogging pal came,                                     
Eleanor is her name;                                        
Former candidate Mondale's daughter.                        
                                                            
14073 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The Clintons have spent all the dough;                      
Now an audit they must undergo.                             
All their Whitewater sin mates                              
Just might become inmates,                                  
And none will have wealth to bestow.                        
                                                            
14074 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Limerick Man        T9801



It's become like a Keystone Kop caper;                      
Foster's note must have turned into vapor.                  
Perhaps Bernie is blind,                                    
That's why he'd not find                                    
Twenty seven torn pieces of paper.                          
                                                            
14075 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Some pawns, to the Democrats shame,                         
Were abandoned to shoulder the blame.                       
Intrigue and excitement                                     
Could end in indictment.                                    
Politics is a mighty rough game!                            
                                                            
14076 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



His appearance they saw as a sham;                          
Reich was there because Bill's in a jam.                    
We know bill sent the word,                                 
"Please stand up and be heard."                             
"Mr. Chairman, I already am!"                               
                                                            
14077 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



No repairs, but Ron wants them to pay;                      
Upon tenants does Mr. Brown prey.                           
His career's now complete;                                  
This is his greatest feat,                                  
On the cover of Slum Lord Today!                            
                                                            
14078 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The agents who guard Clinton's tail,                        
Were looking a little bit pale,                             
And were in no big hurry                                    
To meet the Grand Jury.                                     
(While the Boss worried what they'd unveil!)                
                                                            
14079 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Through the halls of the White House crooks roam,           
A disgrace to that sacred white dome.                       
The circle of power                                         
Sees its final hour,                                        
And it's time that we send the thugs home.                  
                                                            
14080 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's cabinet is not on the spot                        
As the climate around them gets hot.                        
So it is no surprise                                        
That those who are wise                                     
Are packing up and taking off like a shot!                  
                                                            
14081 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's spin docs emerged right on cue,                   
To deny what we all know is true.                           
The aim of their action                                     
Is to cause mass distraction.                               
That's what makes this a hullabaloo!                        
                                                            
14082 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Stephanopoulos, with his media invite,                      
Was the biggest surprise of the night.                      
Despite his liberal bent,                                   
He looked at home in the tent.                              
Has he made a small shift to the right?                     
                                                            
14083 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Stop it! Enough is enough!                                  
It's time that the Congress got tough.                      
Push Reno aside.                                            
Find out if Bill lied.                                      
I'm tired of his stone-walling bluff!                       
                                                            
14084 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Sue McDougal has spoken with pride                          
How she refuses to utter a lie.                             
Now she's going to jail                                     
For refusing to tell;                                       
If the truth, then what has she to hide.                    
                                                            
14085 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



McDougal may keep Starr at bay;                             
Some people will try any way                                
To protect the First Lady,                                  
No matter how shady.                                        
I suppose she'll get paid off some day.                     
                                                            
14086 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES                                    



The point I was making 'bout Susie,                         
Is that she's no right to be choosy.                        
If she's nothing to hide,                                   
Then let it all ride                                        
On the facts. (That should be a doozy!)                     
                                                            
14087 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Irish                    



Though forced to languish in jail,                          
Her complexion becoming quite pale,                         
Ms. McDoubal will fight                                     
Hard for her right,                                         
To shove it to Starr, without fail.                         
                                                            
14088 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Arden                    



With truth she is being quite frugal,                       
That "Friend of Bill", Susan McDougall.                     
There's no mean intent,                                     
Just thoughts of cement,                                    
Or a bullet hole right through her noodle!                  
                                                            
14089 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES                                    



Shove it to Starr, that sounds right!                       
Bugger the egotistical mite.                                
He making a career                                          
Of innuendo to smear;                                       
All Bill has to do is sit tight.                            
                                                            
14090 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           S C Saint                



A question about Hillary and Bill                           
Should be directed to those on the hill,                    
Who put positive spins                                      
On active foreskins,                                        
And shield him from the rumor mill.                         
                                                            
14091 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           S C Saint                



"Foul! Unfair! How unjust!"                                 
The Presidents spin doctors cuss,                           
About a campaign add                                        
That makes Bill look bad,                                   
"Using Clinton's own words against us!"                     
                                                            
14092 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Since she wants in Big Apple to bask,                       
She says, "Vern, will you help in this task?"               
Well her manner did thrill,                                 
And knowing our Bill,                                       
Vernon thought it was prudent to ask.                       
                                                            
14093 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



While sitting there, twiddling his thumbs,                  
Vernon Jordan to Monica said "Crumbs,                       
I've doubled your money,                                    
At Revlon, so honey,                                        
You don't just keep mum, you keep mums!"                    
                                                            
14094 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           H Myers            TP9804



Each one in Bill's cast is a loon;                          
Now we've figured it out none too soon.                     
There's been screaming and tears,                           
But for over four years,                                    
We've been watching a stupid cartoon.                       
                                                            
14095 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Starr's next trial is with Webster Hubbel;                  
Another friend of Bill's in big trouble.                    
Accused of being perverse                                   
And maybe much worse;                                       
Is this going to be another burst bubble?                   
                                                            
14096 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Frank Petersohn          



The plight of old Webster Hubble;                           
He seems to be in lots of trouble.                          
On the tapes he says,                                       
He won't snitch on the Prez,                                
Or he'd be found dead in a pile of rubble.                  
                                                            
14097 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Puff Adder               



Dick Morris, my conscience's double,                        
While Icke's notes get me in trouble.                       
If by chance I get canned,                                  
I hope only to land                                         
As softly as my friend, Webb Hubbell.                       
                                                            
14098 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



As the mood of the country gets mean,                       
We have had it with Bill and his Queen.                     
Office pools can be fun;                                    
Please join everyone.                                       
Bet on who is Bill Clinton's John Dean.                     
                                                            
14099 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Reno has honestly tried                                     
But now she should swallow her pride.                       
Jeb'll act with impunity                                    
With no Democrats unity;                                    
So they all should back William McBride.                    
                                                            
14100 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Dr Limerick  03-25-02    



Streets are safe when the crime bill will pass.             
We'll nail bad guys and start kicking ass.                  
Come on Janet Reno,                                         
You'd better use beano;                                     
All this nonsense is just lefist gas.                       
                                                            
14101 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



She burned Waco and shed not a tear;                        
Butch Reno engenders much fear.                             
When they counted the votes,                                
And although the Pope gloats,                               
She took second as Man Of The Year.                         
                                                            
14102 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



Reno's image is in quite a mess.                            
"And J. Edgar was weird" says the press.                    
But comparing the two,                                      
Here is most people's view:                                 
He looked far better wearing a dress.                       
                                                            
14103 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a President named Bill                       
Who had to swallow a bitter pill.                           
He had screwed Janet Reno,                                  
For which he wasn't keen-o;                                 
No prosecutor was out on the hill.                          
                                                            
14104 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



A.G. Reno is now in a bind                                  
Due to documents she "couldn't find".                       
Clinton/Gore money schemes                                  
Have destroyed all her dreams.                              
Now she wishes that she had resigned.                       
                                                            
14105 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



Reno restricts cyberporn fishin',                           
As she saves all our lads from perdition.                   
Reno helps Joe and Ken                                      
Become staid family men,                                    
Since our leader dislikes competition.                      
                                                            
14106 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



UN capture, Bill's troubles accrue;                         
Getting tough is what he must pursue.                       
Send the barbecue queen,                                    
Who is so tough and mean;                                   
Janet Reno knows just what to do.                           
                                                            
14107 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



As Reno is running for guv,                                 
She knows she won't have the love                           
Of kook Cuban exiles,                                       
Or fusilophiles:                                            
Normal, sane folks should be enough.                        
                                                            
14108 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Dr Limerick  05-19-01    



The A.G., best known as Ms. Reno,                           
Was arrested because she could see no                       
Constitutional way                                          
To keep Congress at bay --                                  
She's a gambler, but this isn't Keno.                       
                                                            
14109 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    TuttaGioia               



To hold on to her place at the top,                         
Reno shields White House butts from the cops.               
She has stated throughout,                                  
A new counsel is "out".                                     
What we need is a new broom and mop.                        
                                                            
14110 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Jim Weaver Collection    



Janet Reno has just said no more;                           
We're not checking into old Gore.                           
The reason you see,                                         
(Between you and me)                                        
Is he's such an incredible bore!                            
                                                            
14111 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Larry M                  



Reno should swallow her pride                               
And graciously step to the side.                            
The most recent polls                                       
Say Jeb's tide will roll                                    
Unless he's opposed by McBride.                             
                                                            
14112 CLINTON - ASSOCIATES - RENO    Dr Limerick  08-28-02    



Shady deals over most of his life                           
Distinguish old Bill and his wife.                          
Abuses of power                                             
Just top off the tower                                      
Of crimes with which Bill's watch was rife.                 
                                                            
14113 CLINTON - CORRUPT              John Miller              



I'll try not to be too wordy,                               
But governance is never purty.                              
I'll not be deluded;                                        
That's why I've concluded                                   
This administration is dirty.                               
                                                            
14114 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Puff Adder               



Bill Clinton was mad as can be;                             
Consumed with insane jealousy,                              
When he woke up and saw                                     
That his brother-in-law                                     
Was almost as crooked as he.                                
                                                            
14115 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Archie                   



I stand here and watch in dismay,                           
As our nation sinks into decay.                             
The source of our plight                                    
Didn't come overnight.                                      
Even Rome wasn't burned in a day.                           
                                                            
14116 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton's regime cannot last.                          
The depth of corruption is vast.                            
Far more than seduction                                     
Or bimbo eruption,                                          
He'll be felled by the die that he cast.                    
                                                            
14117 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



With pals Bill was playing gin rummy,                       
Then a light bulb went off in our dummy.                    
May I boldly suggest                                        
It's so Kennedy-esque,                                      
Asking what you can do for your mummy.                      
                                                            
14118 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Though you live your life free from all guile,              
You may still have an FBI file.                             
Could you let it slide                                      
If you suddenly spied                                       
Your own file on top of the pile?                           
                                                            
14119 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



The file scandal takes a new twist:                         
The files have good reason to exist.                        
They were using the files                                   
To help Hillary compile                                     
The new White House Christmas Card list.                    
                                                            
14120 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



One thing we must all understand:                           
We are losing our rivers and lands.                         
The American prize                                          
Has caught foreign eyes,                                    
And our future's now out of our hands.                      
                                                            
14121 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



The guy in the White House is Bill;                         
He's up to his fat neck in swill.                           
If he continues to sink,                                    
He'll wind up in the clink,                                 
A shark with a gaff in his gill.                            
                                                            
14122 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



That they're wacky, it's not hard to tell;                  
Clintonistas have nonsense to sell.                         
As God has deserted;                                        
Our nation's perverted,                                     
By a group that is straight out of Hell.                    
                                                            
14123 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton has stepped in deep shit,                      
Fears the jury won't vote to acquit.                        
So he'll use the Rose Garden                                
To announce his own pardon.                                 
I guess that's his idea of True Grit.                       
                                                            
14124 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



His sex life, I guess doesn't matter,                       
Be he queerer than any Mad Hatter.                          
If you think being kinky                                    
Is the worst way he's slinky,                               
You've illusions that someone should shatter.               
                                                            
14125 CLINTON - CORRUPT              S C Saint                



Bill's worse that the late Tricky Dick;                     
That the public abides him is sick.                         
It's way past the time                                      
He should pay for SOME crime;                               
Any chance he'll be hung by his prick.                      
(no way, his prick is already hung - McW)                   
14126 CLINTON - CORRUPT              John Miller              



At the zoo they are at the veranda,                         
Bill and Rodham observing the panda.                        
Then a man with some cuffs                                  
Willy rudely rebuffs,                                       
When he whispers a phrase called Miranda.                   
                                                            
14127 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill in his whisky has peed.                                
IRS user friendly, indeed!                                  
Like a Mafia kiss!                                          
Hear America hiss!                                          
Bill must be inhaling that weed.                            
                                                            
14128 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Marsha Magee             



They're not sure what the future will bring,                
If the court zaps the pardoning thing.                      
Bill and cronies will find                                  
That their fate won't be kind.                              
They will have their own Alcatraz wing.                     
                                                            
14129 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Little Willie says, "Ah have mah own                        
Set of morals -- as Ah have shown.                          
Ah won't go to jail                                         
'Cause I didn't inhale,                                     
And Ah didn't get laid, only blown."                        
                                                            
14130 CLINTON - CORRUPT              John Miller 0330         



It's now time we take Willy down,                           
'Cause he thinks he's wearing a crown.                      
Bring back Health Care busses,                              
While Hillary cusses;                                       
We will bus those crooks right out of town.                 
                                                            
14131 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton's a very slick dude,                           
Who loves to do things in the nude.                         
He pulled off his pants                                     
For the tax-and-spend dance,                                
And now the whole country's been screwed.                   
                                                            
14132 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



When Bill took the law and said, "Shove it!                 
Everyone knows that I am above it."                         
The whole Supreme Court                                     
Rose up with a snort,                                       
And said, "No, you're not!" (Don't you love it?)            
                                                            
14133 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Chinese missiles, they wouldn't fly;                        
Couldn't hit a single bullseye;                             
Till they wrote Bill a check;                               
He sold them High Tech;                                     
We're targeted now, you and I.                              
                                                            
14134 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Speaks five minutes, Bill's at it again.                    
He claims deficit he'll fix in ten.                         
First he puts up a front,                                   
Drops back fifteen to punt,                                 
And then twenty years off to the pen.                       
                                                            
14135 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Stonewalling by John Huang and Hubbell                      
Has gotten thenm both into trouble.                         
But the mortar between rocks                                
Is now crumbling like chalk,                                
Turning walls made of stone into rubble!                    
                                                            
14136 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Our Aristide is a real Marxist nut;                         
Bill's poll-rating is in quite a rut.                       
So he planned for a war                                     
With the help of Al Gore.                                   
Powell and Carter bailed out Willy's butt!                  
                                                            
14137 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



A rakish young leader from Hope                             
Treats us all like we are a dope.                           
But if in the wrong,                                        
I'll sing a sad song,                                       
And wash out my mouth with lye soap.                        
                                                            
14138 CLINTON - CORRUPT              MrMalo                   



They were after Newt Gingrich's tail;                       
Their behavior had caused them to fail.                     
There will be no escape;                                    
For their grandson, the tape                                
Will show why Grandma and Gramps went to jail.              
                                                            
14139 CLINTON - CORRUPT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Of the safety net funds, he'd be raider;                    
Bill's the Mexican trade gap creator.                       
And although he can't spel1,                                
We sure know he can sell.                                   
He was truthful; He is a free traitor.                      
                                                            
14140 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's days are going by in a whoosh.                    
Before he leaves, he wants a big push.                      
Worried about his legacy --                                 
His place in our history.                                   
It's easy, the President after Bush.                        
                                                            
14141 CLINTON - CRITICS              Frank Petersohn          



I know Bill, and wife, Hill. surely vex us.                 
The things that they do will perplex us.                    
Although I'm not their fan,                                 
Please do tell, if you can,                                 
Why do all of you guys live in Texas?                       
                                                            
14142 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The media just call him Cuban Boy.                          
Protestors gather 'round in great joy.                      
I think little Elian                                        
Should the next boat be on.                                 
Another Clinton distraction ploy?                           
                                                            
14143 CLINTON - CRITICS              Frank Petersohn          



For avoiding the truth, he's well trained;                  
Many years Bill's deception had reigned,                    
And just like Michael Fay,                                  
We will all cheer the day                                   
When his butt will be publicly caned.                       
                                                            
14144 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Though our Bill seems to act rather crass,                  
His dome sprouts aboriginal grass.                          
And his women take pride                                    
In preserving their hide,                                   
So compared to Marv Albert, he's class.                     
                                                            
14145 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton and Hillary herself,                           
Would put G.O.P. plans on the shelf.                        
With gears automatic,                                       
They'd wax Democratic,                                      
And no one would shift for himself.                         
                                                            
14146 CLINTON - CRITICS              Al Willis                



Don't worry, good fans of Old Billy,                        
This talk of impeachment is silly.                          
When just two years old                                     
(Or so I've been told)                                      
Even Mom couldn't pin things on Willy.                      
                                                            
14147 CLINTON - CRITICS              John Miller              



My daughter came back from that town                        
Wearing all of her clothes and a frown.                     
Her grand White House tour                                  
Disappointing for sure;                                     
She didn't run into "that clown".                           
                                                            
14148 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Whether drunk from drink or power,                          
Those high-placed, who pick a young flower,                 
Severely misjudge                                           
The public as drudge,                                       
And soon will feel voters' glower.                          
                                                            
14149 CLINTON - CRITICS              Daniel Ford              



He has several interesting theses;                          
We wonder if he's of our species.                           
Yes, Bill Clinton's a gem.                                  
'Bout ICBM,                                                 
He thinks it is Eskimo feces.                               
                                                            
14150 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



In the first place, old Bill's like a cat;                  
He'll land on all fours; believe that.                      
In the second place,                                        
If he fell on his face,                                     
I doubt that he'd ever fall flat.                           
                                                            
14151 CLINTON - CRITICS              MrMalo                   



An idea has struck this old codger                          
For a use for one Washington lodger:                        
Let's do it right,                                          
Let the leadership fight --                                 
Just send in our brave First Draft Dodger!                  
                                                            
14152 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



I just don't understand the thoughts;                       
What's wrong with teen-aged twats?                          
And why only oral?                                          
Is fucking immoral?                                         
I hope not 'cause I do it lots!                             
                                                            
14153 CLINTON - CRITICS              MrMalo                   



There is one thing I can't figure out:                      
What's this "Bridge to the Future" about?                   
There is no time gap.                                       
We don't need a map.                                        
No way we can stray from the route.                         
                                                            
14154 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



If we follow Bill Clinton's road map,                       
A Century Bridge 'cross the gap.                            
When it comes right down to it,                             
Just who's going to do it?                                  
And who pays for this dream in gift wrap?                   
                                                            
14155 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Came a joke from a guy clearly gay;                         
He was baiting his pal all the way.                         
Claimed Bill Clinton is "bi".                               
Now we get it, Oh my!                                       
On each issue, he'll go either way.                         
                                                            
14156 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



It's not that we do like that schnook;                      
We're sure that he's some kind of crook.                    
But the GOP                                                 
Conspiracy                                                  
Has used every trick in the book.                           
                                                            
14157 CLINTON - CRITICS              H Welchel                



Sure the guy likes a good time                              
But we really don't think that's a crime.                   
What gives us the shits                                     
Is those lame hypocrites                                    
In charge of the GOP slime.                                 
                                                            
14158 CLINTON - CRITICS              H Welchel                



So the guy can't get an erection                            
That excapes Henry Hyde's detection.                        
After this, it is plain,                                    
Even Saddam Hussein                                         
Would beat those schmucks in an election.                   
                                                            
14159 CLINTON - CRITICS              H Welchel                



This whole things beginning to smell.                       
It's not that we like Bill so well,                         
It's just that those Nazis                                  
With all their cheap shotzis                                
Have dragged us through political hell.                     
                                                            
14160 CLINTON - CRITICS              H Welchel                



They're all champing at the bit                             
To smear Mr Clinton with shit.                              
But the source of the odor                                  
That most bugs the voter                                    
Is the smell of a hypocrite.                                
                                                            
14161 CLINTON - CRITICS              H Welchel                



David Brinkley cut straight to the core                     
When he said that Bill Clinton's a bore.                    
Speeches seem never-ending                                  
While our ears he is bending.                               
The only thing worse would be Gore.                         
                                                            
14162 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Will the perks in the White House today,                    
Wither up, be withdrawn, blow away?                         
Will Clinton's carousing                                    
End his public housing?                                     
When he leaves, will the White House be Gray?               
                                                            
14163 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The Demos say "Give him a pass."                            
Republicans say "He's too crass!"                           
All things Clintonoidal                                     
Are so hemmorroidal;                                        
They're really a pain in the ass.                           
                                                            
14164 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Schaefer             



Henry Hyde tried to give the impression                     
That his sex life was in a recession.                       
He ruined her life,                                         
Which killed his poor wife.                                 
That's his "youthful [sic!] indiscretion".                  
                                                            
14165 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Henry Hyde is really a  slime,                              
If lying about sex is a crime.                              
Recall the confession?                                      
"Youthful indescretion!"                                    
He was forty years old at the time!                         
                                                            
14166 CLINTON - CRITICS              MrMalo                   



Only forty?  Why, that's just a child.                      
At that age, I had only defiled                             
Maybe one or two virgins.                                   
'Twas later the urgin's                                     
Began which keep driving me wild...                         
                                                            
14167 CLINTON - CRITICS              John Miller              



"It's the handle by which you shall know me,"               
Said Bill as he pictured lips foamy.                        
"My new CB moniker                                          
Inspired by sweet Monica;                                   
A Rabelaisian 'Heywood Jablowme'."                          
                                                            
14168 CLINTON - CRITICS              OgniGioia                



A hundred years from today,                                 
What will historians say                                    
About the President,                                        
And the country's descent                                   
And the freedoms we let get away?                           
                                                            
14169 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



But the worst one that I ever saw                           
That leaves a sour taste in your craw                       
Is a vile infestation                                       
That's spread to the nation                                 
From a town known as Hope, Arkansas                         
                                                            
14170 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Clinton's causes just don't stand a chance.                 
Too much heel in that constant tap dance.                   
Too much greed, too much lust,                              
And we simply can't trust                                   
The dick he can't keep in his pants.                        
                                                            
14171 CLINTON - CRITICS              Ann Gasser          P9408



I've never liked Clinton that much,                         
Or Hillary, either, that butch.                             
But clearly to see,                                         
It's been plain to me                                       
Bill's been solidly kicked in the nutch.                    
                                                            
14172 CLINTON - CRITICS              M David Tilson           



You made a big blunder there, Billy,                        
Could not keep control of your willy.                       
Because of your lust,                                       
We have lost all our trust,                                 
And you've made the office look silly.                      
                                                            
14173 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Came the story from one bright observer,                    
At McDonald's Bill walked to the server.                    
Well he made the guy wince,                                 
"What I'll have, my good prince,                            
Is a big Machiavellian Burger."                             
                                                            
14174 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



I guess we're not really astute                             
To think Little Willie is cute.                             
But he does make us laugh,                                  
And that's more than half                                   
Of what stops us from starting to shoot.                    
                                                            
14175 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



It's a law that will soon have renown;                      
We hope "Megan's Law" shuts perverts down.                  
But one thing Bill forgot,                                  
For which soon he'll be hot,                                
We will know when his Willy's in town.                      
                                                            
14176 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



John Miller, if you're ever hurtin',                        
For those political limericks you're spurting',             
You've always a source.                                     
Get off your high horse                                     
And do Livingston, Hyde, and Dan Burton.                    
                                                            
14177 CLINTON - CRITICS              MrMalo                   



John Miller thinks Willy is sick                            
'Cause he likes stuffing face with his dick.                
But Burton's quit yelling,                                  
Since his past is so telling;                               
So much for HIS morals, the prick!                          
                                                            
14178 CLINTON - CRITICS              MrMalo                   



And Livingston now is a goner;                              
His wife had this all thrust upon her.                      
He lied and he cheated;                                     
When confronted, retreated,                                 
And then claims he's a man of honor.                        
                                                            
14179 CLINTON - CRITICS              MrMalo                   



Bill Clinton's against human cloning;                       
"Moral vacuum," we hear old Bill groaning.                  
(Well, he knows that first hand!)                           
They want human clones banned:                              
Are they Clinton clones thereby condoning.                  
                                                            
14180 CLINTON - CRITICS              John Miller              



My condolences to the mosquito;                             
Had she made it, the feat would be neat-o.                  
Like many a chick,                                          
She'd suck on his dick,                                     
But she got a quick Clinton veto.                           
                                                            
14181 CLINTON - CRITICS              John Miller              



Mr Miller has deigned to return                             
To the group with intention to burn                         
Poor Hillary Rodham,                                        
On her patulous bottom,                                     
For learning to work Billy's churn.                         
                                                            
14182 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Clinton promised new cops on the beat                       
To chase violence and crime from our streets.               
What I want to know                                         
Is, "Where did they go?                                     
Did they all beat a hasty retreat?"                         
                                                            
14183 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary Billary Socks,                                      
The President's head's full of rocks.                       
His back's made of noodles,                                 
His cat chases poodles,                                     
His wife stirs a cauldron in frocks.                        
                                                            
14184 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



"For my programs to work, I suspect,"                       
Said Bill Clinton, "I'll have to direct                     
That the Congress attend                                    
To my plan to suspend                                       
Operation of cause and effect."                             
                                                            
14185 CLINTON - CRITICS              John Sandler        P9303



Hey Bill, lets keep things in proportion,                   
Should a cloning produce some distortion,                   
And the kid turns out mean,                                 
You can wipe the slate clean,                               
With a post-partum, full-birth abortion.                    
                                                            
14186 CLINTON - CRITICS              John Miller              



On plans for things foreign, Bill skimps.                   
Even the French call us wimps.                              
The critics now shudder;                                    
No one holds the rudder.                                    
We'd do better if we hired chimps.                          
                                                            
14187 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



God must have had a good laugh                              
At Commandment number ten-and-a-half                        
Which read: "Thou Shalt Not                                 
(or Impeachment's thy lot)                                  
Comfort thy Rod in thy Staff."                              
                                                            
14188 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



The President's sexual addiction                            
Has become a great nation's affliction.                     
Nobody wins                                                 
By rehearsing our sins,                                     
While the country endures cruxifiction.                     
                                                            
14189 CLINTON - CRITICS              TuttaGioia               



As dot after dot got connected,                             
The erstwhile enabler defected!                             
This once-loyal minion                                      
Has changed his opinion:                                    
Bill shouldn't have gotten elected!                         
                                                            
14190 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



What Clinton has done was quite risky;                      
He gets uncontrollably frisky.                              
He may soon be out;                                         
His future's in doubt.                                      
Soon he may need a large glass of whisky.                   
                                                            
14191 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jayne                    



Elected not once but twice,                                 
Some folks have thought him real nice.                      
But sad to say,                                             
There is no way                                             
He honors us with his vice.                                 
                                                            
14192 CLINTON - CRITICS              Arden                    



As America sat down to dinner,                              
The Democrats lauded their winner.                          
The excuse, "Didn't inhale"                                 
Went ever so well.                                          
He should now say he didn't come in her.                    
                                                            
14193 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



If Clinton mentions that bridge one more time,              
I will scream to the heavens! (in rhyme)                    
I will rant, I will swear,                                  
I may pull out my hair,                                     
As I look for a tall tree to climb!                         
                                                            
14194 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The present White House occupier,                           
A frequent eye dabber and drier,                            
Squeezes out funeral tears                                  
When news cameras are near.                                 
He's America's number one crier.                            
                                                            
14195 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Citizens! You are now warned:                               
Your privacy rights have been scorned!                      
Orwells "1984"                                              
Plus another twelve more                                    
Herald a loss that will ever be mourned.                    
                                                            
14196 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



In the land once the home of the brave,                     
George Washington turns in his grave.                       
For the people don't care                                   
How their leaders got there,                                
Or the glory or vices they crave.                           
                                                            
14197 CLINTON - CRITICS              John Miller              



If the American population                                  
Would hope for a better relation                            
With those in high office,                                  
Then it will not suffice                                    
To pretend they are in elation.                             
                                                            
14198 CLINTON - CRITICS              Arden                    



With skill in the word parsing game,                        
Bill Clinton will have lasting fame.                        
And though he may brag                                      
Of the "Slick Willy" tag,                                   
It's PERJORATIVE, all the same.                             
                                                            
14199 CLINTON - CRITICS              Chris Papa               



Well, Clinton survived the attack --                        
He's once again slipped through the crack!                  
So away he trots,                                           
'Cause the rest of the pots                                 
Were afraid to call that kettle black!                      
                                                            
14200 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



I'm thinking of starting a push for                         
Putting Billy's dick up on Mount Rushmore.                  
First in whore, first in piece,                             
First to fuck someones niece,                               
And first in desire to gush more.                           
                                                            
14201 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



For in this manner, they may                                
Ask questions all night and all day.                        
These statesmen so glum                                     
Take it up the bum,                                         
And it this you have no say.                                
                                                            
14202 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



There once was a man named Slick Willy,                     
Who told the whole nation a dilly:                          
"I'm your President, folks."                                
But enough with the jokes,                                  
Will you tell us who's president, really?                   
                                                            
14203 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Presidential MONONYM, a dilly,                              
Which few folks now think of as silly,                      
Describing the part,                                        
As well as his art;                                         
That "Red Neck" we now know as "Willy".                     
                                                            
14204 CLINTON - CRITICS              Chris Papa               



Get off your fucking fat ass!                               
Sorry if that sounded crass.                                
At the last election,                                       
His perpetual erection                                      
Should have been rejected en masse.                         
                                                            
14205 CLINTON - CRITICS              Arden                    



Bill Clinton has spoken with pride                          
Of some bills he has happily signed.                        
But he seems to ignore                                      
Many got to the floor                                       
Because of a Republican landslide.                          
                                                            
14206 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



If the Vast Right Wing were to conspire,                    
They sure wouldn't choose such a liar.                      
To conspire and be vast;                                    
Right winged or right assed;                                
Why a jerk with his pants on fire?                          
                                                            
14207 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Look how they have stuck it to me;                          
Why can't they just let me be.                              
I'm sure I have read                                        
It was Jesus who said,                                      
"Don't flaunt your religiosity."                            
                                                            
14208 CLINTON - CRITICS              Dave                     



In the garden of earthly delight                            
Somebody has started a big fight.                           
There's blood on the wall                                   
And that is not all,                                        
There's something very dead on the right!                   
                                                            
14209 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



A man once from Arkansas                                    
Was seen all too often quite raw.                           
His national exposure                                       
Should finally reach closure,                               
Unless Bill rises above the law!                            
                                                            
14210 CLINTON - CRITICS              Andy Onymous             



We're often described as ironic,                            
Acerbic, sarcastic, sardonic.                               
Why are we so arch?                                         
It's drycleaners starch,                                    
Makes our casual cantankerousness chronic.                  
                                                            
14211 CLINTON - CRITICS              Tom Simon                



I myself am thoroughly bummed;                              
Consider my nose to be thumbed                              
At the whole crew,                                          
But scared what they'll do,                                 
Before the whole problem is plumbed.                        
                                                            
14212 CLINTON - CRITICS              Karen                    



Now Slick is a real miracle man.                            
The polls show if anyone can,                               
He can stick it in double,                                  
And come out of trouble,                                    
It's a Right Wing conspiracy plan.                          
                                                            
14213 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton has said quite a lot,                          
And his listeners deserved what they got;                   
But at times he has lied,                                   
And the things he's denied,                                 
Convinced me he's still smoking pot.                        
                                                            
14214 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



His wife says he's filled with shame                        
While besmirching his good family name.                     
We all know that Bill                                       
Just loves a cheap thrill,                                  
But his poor Granny's the one to blame.                     
                                                            
14215 CLINTON - CRITICS              Frank Petersohn          



Our hero's been taken away;                                 
Unresolvable conflict, they say;                            
With less chance than Lotto                                 
Of upholding his motto:                                     
"Truth, Justice ... The American Way!"                      
                                                            
14216 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Hoping to score him a goal,                                 
Bill Clinton attended the Bowl.                             
But soccer moms booed him.                                  
Had nobody clued him?                                       
He ought to have taken a poll!                              
                                                            
14217 CLINTON - CRITICS                                       



Halloween brings out priates and fairies,                   
Plus a rash of strange monsters all hairy.                  
But for tricks and no treats,                               
Bill and Al have them beat;                                 
They're the one that I think are most scary.                
                                                            
14218 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A raving right-winger named Tibbs,                          
Sought to give Bill a poke in the ribs.                     
But with meter so poor,                                     
He was naught but a boor,                                   
And so Clinton sloughed off all the digs.                   
                                                            
14219 CLINTON - CRITICS              Joe Long                 



There is a great man named Bill                             
Who climbed to the top of the hill,                         
But he'd gotten ants,                                       
And dropped his pants,                                      
And the voices are getting shrill.                          
                                                            
14220 CLINTON - CRITICS              Joseph McEwen       P9407



Somalia and Waco weren't pranks;                            
In shame, very high each one ranks.                         
How are these events tied?                                  
In both, innocents died,                                    
But in Waco our leaders used tanks.                         
                                                            
14221 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Come one, come all, follow me                               
Across the bridge to the next century.                      
Bring your cash or your card                                
'Cause you're getting hit hard                              
With a toll and a tax and a fee.                            
                                                            
14222 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



In spite of my conservative leanings,                       
The re-election of Clinton's intriguing.                    
Imagine the fun                                             
When I turn on C-SPAN                                       
And watch the impeachment proceedings.                      
                                                            
14223 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



In the future our grandkids will stare                      
At a portrait of Clinton somewhere.                         
He'll be holding a scroll                                   
While he's taking a poll,                                   
His wet finger held high in the air.                        
                                                            
14224 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



If Congress decides to employ it,                           
And rather than censure, a coy hit,                         
Has Willy stripped bare,                                    
And whip derriere,                                          
Except that I'm sure he'd enjoy it.                         
                                                            
14225 CLINTON - CRITICS              Chris Papa               



At the end, Ray and Starr had to simper;                    
Of evidence they had no glimmer.                            
They spent millions of bucks                                
Raking the muck,                                            
But are finished sans bang, but with whimper.               
                                                            
14226 CLINTON - CRITICS              Dr Limerick  03-20-02    



The Clintons are now sinking fast;                          
His party is scared and aghast.                             
With tempers exploded,                                      
The lifeboats are loaded;                                   
The women and children are last.                            
                                                            
14227 CLINTON - CRITICS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Saying she can't recall, she just shrugs;                   
Susan's covering up for the thugs.                          
New commercial is set;                                      
It's a winner, you bet --                                   
Children this is your brain while on drugs.                 
                                                            
14228 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There are things they don't want you to know,               
But you reap from that which you sow.                       
They've come to discover                                    
A film undercover;                                          
Roger Clinton buys coke for his bro.                        
                                                            
14229 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A new twist to the Clinton mess                             
Revolves around Monica's dress.                             
Now they say that cocaine                                   
May be found in that stain.                                 
If there is, will Willie confess?                           
                                                            
14230 CLINTON - DOPE                 Gearhart                 



Will he say it belongs to M L  (Monica Lewinsky)            
And deny his drug use until                                 
A drug test confirms                                        
That not just his sperm's                                   
On the dress, but his coke as well?                         
                                                            
14231 CLINTON - DOPE                 Gearhart                 



Doc Sam Houston has nothing to gain,                        
As Bill's medical questions remain.                         
Take a Little Rock trip;                                    
Learn the truth and you'll flip,                            
'Cause he knows about Bill and cocaine.                     
                                                            
14232 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Clinton, I didn't inhale;                               
I spin a most marvelous tale.                               
I once tipped my hand                                       
Against my homeland,                                        
But mostly I've covered my trail.                           
                                                            
14233 CLINTON - DOPE                 John Miller              



By the White House, we're left in a quandary.               
We've discovered their dirty drug laundry.                  
It's a crack staff indeed,                                  
And we'll gladly concede                                    
An obvious double entendre.                                 
                                                            
14234 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Thanks to Bill there is more crack and meth                 
That has ended so many kids' breath.                        
You need not be a sleuth,                                   
To know where to find truth.                                
Talk radio scares him to death.                             
                                                            
14235 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Their election was quite an event;                          
In the war on drugs, he put a dent.                         
With young people we find                                   
Willy's really their kind.                                  
Use of drugs is up eighty percent.                          
                                                            
14236 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



These kids will not make it to Yale,                        
And they love their smokes and their ale.                   
It seems he's not joking;                                   
Bill teaches safe smoking,                                  
And shows them how not to inhale.                           
(Bill Clinton did not inhale the one time he used pot - McW)
14237 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



In the galley aboard Air Force One                          
Stands the President, having some fun,                      
With a stewardess, Gail,                                    
Who knows how to inhale --                                  
Till the oxygen masks come undone.                          
                                                            
14238 CLINTON - DOPE                                          



Bill is following through, we confess;                      
It's been very successful, we guess.                        
He had planned it so well,                                  
Increased drug use will tell.                               
His compaign to the kids, just say yes!                     
                                                            
14239 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



His honor again they assail:                                
First, they claim that the steps had a rail.                
And says Rush on his show,                                  
"The Shark's party was slow                                 
Until Bill finally learned to inhale."                      
                                                            
14240 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



When the White House physician inquired,                    
Bill panicked and had the guy fired.                        
His records were hidden,                                    
The contents forbidden;                                     
Would we find on cocaine he got wired?                      
                                                            
14241 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's angry and ready to spit;                          
Saw a youngster with cigarette lit.                         
It looked kind of funny                                     
So Bill produced money.                                     
"Hey Kid, can I please have a hit?"                         
                                                            
14242 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Once a Rhodie from Hope                                     
Thought it within his scope                                 
To make the government work.                                
My god, what a jerk!                                        
And he said he never smoked dope!                           
                                                            
14243 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Make quick changes, that skill has been honed.              
Pass the coke, we know Willy has moaned.                    
We have heard the reports                                   
Back and forth while he snorts,                             
And Slick Willy makes no turn unstoned.                     
                                                            
14244 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Please pass this to Bill for a blast;                       
The White House has quantities vast.                        
They have no concern;                                       
So what if we learn,                                        
Drug tests ended, 'cause nobody passed.                     
                                                            
14245 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



You may criticize to no avail;                              
Clinton we try to unveil.                                   
So decent so pure                                           
And one thing for sure,                                     
He smoked pot, but he didn't inhale!                        
                                                            
14246 CLINTON - DOPE                                          



Clinton, that sorry shit-ass,                               
Didn't inhale while smoking that grass?                     
Yeah, and O.J.'s no killer,                                 
I've the hots for Phillis Diller,                           
And the Pope yells "Fuck You" during mass.                  
                                                            
14247 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



We elected a slimeball from Hope;                           
His supporters say we don't vote for Pope.                  
So far that slogan works,                                   
But my goodness, you jerks,                                 
We don't want a guy who scored dope!                        
                                                            
14248 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Feeling his paramour's pain                                 
And seeking no personal gain,                               
He showed in his fashion                                    
Clintonic compassion                                        
And offered to share his cocaine!                           
                                                            
14249 CLINTON - DOPE                                          



Dole says "Willy, you son of a pup!                         
No more cronies will give you heads up.                     
Though you still remain cool,                               
Over drugs we must duel.                                    
Fifty paces then pee in the cup!"                           
                                                            
14250 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A slogan Bill needs for his edge,                           
So he'll really go out on a ledge.                          
From the dope charge he stalled;                            
His draft record recalled.                                  
Some pot in each chicken's, his pledge.                     
                                                            
14251 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



From smoking the kids should refrain.                       
Bill doesn't want them to complain.                         
But if quitting's too tough,                                
And their will's not enough,                                
His brother can get them cocaine.                           
                                                            
14252 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There's an Arkansas airport called Meena,                   
Which is in Mr. Clinton's arena.                            
Passing this domain                                         
There was lots of cocaine,                                  
For which he should be served a subpoena.                   
                                                            
14253 CLINTON - DOPE                 Popsicle           TP9806



To the house of Sharline, Willy ran;                        
They had powder so fun soon began.                          
With cocaine, had a ball,                                   
Then he slid down the wall,                                 
And fell down in the old garbage can.                       
                                                            
14254 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



When they finally are clean, we'll rejoice.                 
Tell the truth and they silence your voice.                 
Don't pee in the cup;                                       
We'll cover it up.                                          
White House Drug test is multiple choice.                   
                                                            
14255 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Through the hearings, these people have sailed,             
Yet we know that the truth has been veiled.                 
They must think that we're blind,                           
And I'm sure that we'll find                                
That the whole fucking cabinet inhaled!                     
                                                            
14256 CLINTON - DOPE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young man from Hope,                       
Who used to smoke lots of dope.                             
He just cannot see,                                         
Falling for Lewinsky;                                       
Will I vote for him again?...Nope!                          
                                                            
14257 CLINTON - DOPE                 Navin                    



When the lid on the Filegate thing blew,                    
Clinton said it was a "SNAFU".                              
He put the blame on                                         
Some low-level pawn,                                        
And then swore that was all that he knew.                   
                                                            
14258 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill and Hillary are quiet as mice                          
As they follow their lawyer's advice.                       
In the meanwhile,                                           
The FBI files                                               
Have old Slick Willy's balls in a vice.                     
                                                            
14259 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



What info did the White House compile                       
From those secretive FBI files?                             
And I wonder who'll wince                                   
When they check them for prints?                            
Just the thought makes Republicans smile.                   
                                                            
14260 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Will shall soon write his life story;                 
No doubt, touting his own self-glory.                       
But don't be surprised                                      
If we're not apprised                                       
Of the full and complete inventory.                         
                                                            
14261 CLINTON - FILES                Observer                 



When we watch them in action we're sick;                    
It's the evil First Lady and Slick.                         
No files were taken;                                        
We must be mistaken;                                        
It's a wascally wepubwican twick.                           
                                                            
14262 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



We may soon smell the odor of scorch                        
As Bill's pants feel the FBI torch.                         
When the facts are disclosed,                               
And veiled wrongs are exposed,                              
All Bill's dogs will take off for the porch!                
                                                            
14263 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



To the party, it's just a few miles;                        
The young interns and pals were all smiles.                 
"In the vault we'll relax                                   
With a keg and a fax.                                       
Let's have fun with the FBI files."                         
                                                            
14264 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



To break Rodham from jail, she'll try,                      
But the dimwitted aide went awry.                           
There's a file in the cake,                                 
But there's one big mistake:                                
It's manila and says "FBI!"                                 
                                                            
14265 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



The White House is hoping that Mari                         
Keeps her cool and then cleverly buries                     
All the dirt underneath,                                    
And lies through her teeth,                                 
After burning all "logs" she can carry.                     
                                                            
14266 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Mari Anderson's gone underground.                           
What she know about Filegate's profound!                    
For the 6-month "log" gap                                   
Has her caught in a trap,                                   
And the Senate has sent out the hounds.                     
                                                            
14267 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



The White House does not guarantee                          
Your file is safe from appointees.                          
They can go smugly through it,                              
Digging dirt as they do it,                                 
Defiling your right of privacy.                             
                                                            
14268 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's lawyers are all on alert                          
As they frantically sweep up the dirt.                      
The fumes from the files                                    
Promise proof of pure guile.                                
And the outcome will not be inert.                          
                                                            
14269 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill thought FBI files were grand;                          
A snafu and the fire is fanned.                             
But it's B.S. we see                                        
From this slick S.O.B.;                                     
S.O.L.'s where we currently stand.                          
                                                            
14270 CLINTON - FILES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Queen of softballs, Ms. Walters remains.                    
It was candor that Ms. Rodham feigns.                       
She and Vince were just friends;                            
Well, that really depends;                                  
Does a friend often screw out your brains?                  
                                                            
14271 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Flowers latest caused Rodham to rage;                       
Penthouse comments Bill tried to assuage.                   
And if you didn't hear,                                     
It's about her big rear;                                    
Rodham's butt was too big for the page.                     
                                                            
14272 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



The whole nation watched as Al Gore                         
Sought political peace to restore.                          
While Gebhardt, and Durbin,                                 
And Hillary Clinton                                         
Were making their plans for '04.                            
                                                            
14273 CLINTON - HILLARY              Election 2000            



What's the difference 'tween catfish and Rodham?            
A few answers, we think that we've got 'em.                 
One is served on a dish                                     
As a quite tasty fish,                                      
And the other sucks slime at the bottom.                    
                                                            
14274 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's researchers had each done his part;                  
So revealing the findings, please start;                    
What's the substance most cold;                             
Please announce it, be bold.                                
Not surprising, it's Hillary's heart.                       
                                                            
14275 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's a slogan that's sure to get hoots;                   
The term mother, now Rodham uproots.                        
If someone's berated,                                       
A new slur's created.                                       
Your caregiver wears combat boots.                          
                                                            
14276 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Compartmentalization's the key                              
To the Bill Clinton presidency.                             
There's a Monica box;                                       
One for Congress and Sox,                                   
And a matchbox for poor Hillary.                            
                                                            
14277 CLINTON - HILLARY              Prof M-G                 



Of dreams for the world, we've got 'em,                     
But most just sit back on their bottom.                     
Like a John Lennon dream,                                   
Will you please join the team?                              
And envision a world without Rodham.                        
                                                            
14278 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary is the family breadwinner,                          
Devoting her life to that sinner.                           
Having escaped jail,                                        
She's on the campaign trail.                                
She's an excellent political spinner.                       
                                                            
14279 CLINTON - HILLARY              Tom Simon                



We can see that upstream Rodham's swimmin';                 
The notes just appeared, she was brimmin'.                  
"I can tell you for sure                                    
That the third floor's secure,                              
Excepting, of course, all Bill's women!"                    
                                                            
14280 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Spurned Hillary he faced with dread,                        
Couldn't make her in marital bed.                           
So he'd EXPIATE                                             
A new job create,                                           
And senator make her, instead.                              
                                                            
14281 CLINTON - HILLARY              Chris Papa               



There were two celebrities named Hillary;                   
Both reached a peak, but one was a pillory.                 
He climbed atop Everest,                                    
Whitewater let her never rest,                              
Her future faces heavy artillery.                           
                                                            
14282 CLINTON - HILLARY              H. Kleidman              



No matter what November brings,                             
We can still be assured of one thing:                       
Clinton's star will sink lower                              
White Water ain't over,                                     
And it won't be, till the First Lady sings.                 
                                                            
14283 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



"We must skim off some money" she roared.                   
The option sneaked right past the board.                    
Yes, Ms. Rodham's the one                                   
And we found what she'd done;                               
Funneled four hundred thousand to Ward.                     
                                                            
14284 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



As the exorcist finished, you see,                          
'94 cleaned out much of D.C.                                
There are two more to nail                                  
And then right will prevail;                                
Get the trainer and her chimpanzee.                         
                                                            
14285 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



The Vatican crowd we watch swell;                           
We await what the Pope has to tell.                         
"Though her backers may faint,                              
I say Rodham's no saint,                                    
And in fact, she is destined for Hell!"                     
                                                            
14286 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Willy's aim was not to lay blame;                           
Now with him Hillary will flame,                            
So he'll have to learn,                                     
That when with intern,                                      
To be a GRIG could lead to shame.                           
                                                            
14287 CLINTON - HILLARY              Darryl                   



As they close in on Rodham, she's scared;                   
Some money and passport she snared.                         
She picks color blanco                                      
For her brand new Bronco;                                   
With gun and disguise she's prepared.                       
                                                            
14288 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



She never knew beans about cows;                            
The wherefores, the ways or the hows.                       
You could hardly describe                                   
How Bill got his bribe,                                     
And silk from the ears of her sows.                         
(Hilary made cow futures money)                             
14289 CLINTON - HILLARY              Don Hart                 



"Hillary," said her Doc, "Who've you hugged?                
You've got crabs." But Hillary shrugged,                    
And said, "I'll just tell Bill                              
I have what made Nixon ill.                                 
It seems the Oval Office is bugged."                        
                                                            
14290 CLINTON - HILLARY              Theo Heller         P9312



A pollster's no more than a mystic.                         
Their numbers are not realistic.                            
Clinton had the big win,                                    
So why's Hillary in,                                        
And Bill is now just a statistic?                           
                                                            
14291 CLINTON - HILLARY              Theo Heller         P9306



For Italians she blessed them at Pisa;                      
On the morning show, she prayed with Leeza.                 
Now a habit she wears;                                      
We're amazed how she swears;                                
She is Hillary Mother Teresa.                               
                                                            
14292 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary's internet guru, named Tom,                         
Dropped an outrageous political bomb.                       
Trying to make his best guess                               
At her E-mail address,                                      
He suggested: hillary.homely.com                            
                                                            
14293 CLINTON - HILLARY              Squeaky            TP9807



On and on, we can hear Clinton rattle;                      
It's the deficit he's set to battle.                        
It is sort of funny,                                        
His plan for our money                                      
Is let Rodham invest it in cattle.                          
                                                            
14294 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Flight 800 had quickly met doom;                            
We are all asking why and by whom.                          
Vapor trail was seen.                                       
What does all of this mean?                                 
They've discovered it's Hillary's broom.                    
                                                            
14295 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



My first term in the Senate will be                         
Just a step to the Presidency.                              
Yes, the Senate, my friend,                                 
Is a means to an end.                                       
Arkansas, please do not cry for me.                         
                                                            
14296 CLINTON - HILLARY              William N Nesbit         



Bill wanted her trip to begin;                              
He had plans for engaging in sin.                           
INS had request;                                            
Tighten borders your best;                                  
Perhaps Rodham might not get back in.                       
(INS - Immigration and Naturalization Service)              
14297 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Not to say that Ms Hillary's a hag,                         
Or in places she's starting to sag.                         
Though she's tried to repair                                
The state of her hair,                                      
She still looks like a carpet bag.                          
                                                            
14298 CLINTON - HILLARY              Frank Petersohn          



I'll do Hillary without any fuss;                           
In a bed, on a truck, on a bus.                             
Bill can be there;                                          
I really don't care,                                        
While I do to her, what they do to us.                      
                                                            
14299 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary, I do miss you so.                                  
These days you are always on the go.                        
For your love I yearn,                                      
(Come in Ms. Intern)                                        
Stay well, dear, I'm busy, you know.                        
                                                            
14300 CLINTON - HILLARY              Frank Fazed              



Hillary and Willie had a talk,                              
Of the kitten who wore no socks.                            
He had to confess                                           
That it made quite a mess,                                  
"But I never poked I just rocked"                           
                                                            
14301 CLINTON - HILLARY                                       



Here's what First Lady Hillary wore;                        
We admit it's a bit of a bore.                              
But this dress from the Gap                                 
Offers crackle and snap:                                    
The line forms seven blocks from this door.                 
                                                            
14302 CLINTON - HILLARY                                       



Hillary Clinton's obtuse:                                   
She blames on some childhood abuse                          
Her Willie's sex life;                                      
But with HER for a wife,                                    
The President NEEDS no excuse!                              
                                                            
14303 CLINTON - HILLARY                                       



Evil Rodham's devoid of contrition,                         
So from state, there's a new proposition.                   
Stars and Stripes are unfurled,                             
She will travel the world                                   
For a place that has no extradition.                        
                                                            
14304 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



For memoirs, Hillary got eight mil.                         
They gave twelve to her husband Bill.                       
But remember them both,                                     
When they were under oath,                                  
Could recall nothing -- zip, nada, nil.                     
                                                            
14305 CLINTON - HILLARY              Al Bienstock             



Since their membories have been erased,                     
On what will their memoirs be based?                        
Will the pages be blank,                                    
Like each memory bank,                                      
In their books about eight years of waste?                  
                                                            
14306 CLINTON - HILLARY              Al Bienstock             



We all know that president Billy                            
Sure has an eye for a filly.                                
No woman is safe                                            
Within miles of the place,                                  
Unless she is ugly as Hillary.                              
                                                            
14307 CLINTON - HILLARY              Al Willis                



Though he said it is a rarity,                              
There's this peculiarity:                                   
Multiple offers                                             
Of skin flute proffers,                                     
Caused no spousal Hillarity. (sic)                          
                                                            
14308 CLINTON - HILLARY              Daniel Ford              



Just what did the Great Lady do?                            
Her husband was sure that he knew:                          
Just jiving and shucking                                    
She might have said fucking,                                
But she never would say fucking Jew.                        
                                                            
14309 CLINTON - HILLARY                                       



In the kitchen she never would cook;                        
It is clear that she's really a crook.                      
Here's a brand new snafu;                                   
She's a plagarist too.                                      
They learned Casper had written her book.                   
                                                            
14310 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Rosty thought stealing money was fun,                       
But in jail he will not see the sun.                        
At reporters he snaps                                       
"You really are saps;                                       
Wait till you learn what Rodham has done!"                  
                                                            
14311 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill and Hillary had big dreams of Camelot                  
But their sleazy ways tripped them and they got caught.     
To escape with their skins,                                 
They must drop their fake grins,                            
And make tracks to that place known as "Scam-a-lot."        
                                                            
14312 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



While Hillary's not a real looker,                          
The Prez can't be caught with a hooker.                     
To satisfy yearning                                         
He's lately been learning                                   
To just bite the bullet and schtoop 'er.                    
                                                            
14313 CLINTON - HILLARY                                       



Hillary's known as a leader,                                
Whose husband can't even please her.                        
She's screwing with Tipper,                                 
Gilligan and Skipper,                                       
But I think she's just a cockteaser!                        
                                                            
14314 CLINTON - HILLARY                                  T9712



For her country, she'd show off her might,                  
But marines would let Rodham fight.                         
He own motto she needs,                                     
For attempted good deeds;                                   
Semper Fido seems just about right.                         
                                                            
14315 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Ms Clinton, Hillary Hodham                                  
Is now in the Senate from Gotham.                           
She has no seniority                                        
Or any authority;                                           
What a shock!  It's the view from the bottom.               
                                                            
14316 CLINTON - HILLARY              Dr Limerick  11-08-00    



By Starr's marshals Ms. Rodham is tackled;                  
"Don't you dare put those on me", she cackled.              
Much to our surprise                                        
There is fire in her eyes;                                  
She can still macarena while shackled.                      
                                                            
14317 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Are there other charges Starr will get 'round to?           
New evidence to be had, something found to                  
Implicate the First Lady                                    
In land deals so shady?                                     
Maybe Hillary's now going down, too.                        
                                                            
14318 CLINTON - HILLARY              Tom Simon                



Willy is soon gone away,                                    
And then we'll have much less to say,                       
'Bout his morals lack.                                      
Then we'll have to track                                    
His mate, who is still in the fray.                         
                                                            
14319 CLINTON - HILLARY              Chris Papa               



She had many tricks up her sleeve,                          
And believes we are all so naive.                           
Our values she mangled;                                     
Her web became tangled,                                     
When first Rodham chose to deceive.                         
                                                            
14320 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



To Karachi where danger is near,                            
Went Rodham as she fought off fear.                         
But quickly she railed                                      
About being veiled;                                         
We'd prefer that she wear one right here.                   
                                                            
14321 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Rodham smugly was chanting "Four more!                      
I'm a socialist down to the core.                           
My threat isn't funny.                                      
All you who have money                                      
Be prepared to be mugged at the door."                      
                                                            
14322 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



'Bout Tiananmen Square let's talk frank;                    
There were heroes whom we must all thank.                   
As one image lives clear,                                   
Let's relive it, my dear.                                   
Rodham, please stand in front of the tank.                  
                                                            
14323 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



We all know she's behind lots of crime;                     
Up the Capitol Hill she will climb.                         
Rodham sits in the chair,                                   
Do you solemnly swear?                                      
"Why hell yes, I swear all of the time."                    
                                                            
14324 CLINTON - HILLARY              Polimerick Press    P9704



She is talking to Ghandi, they note,                        
But his message sure got Rodham's goat.                     
"I'm a non-violent sort,                                    
And I'm sad to report,                                      
If alive, I would go for your throat."                      
                                                            
14325 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



That disingenuous pair,                                     
Who live in the White House with flair,                     
Sure could disremember,                                     
From now 'til December,                                     
When it came to saving their hair.                          
                                                            
14326 CLINTON - HILLARY              Chris Papa               



The evidence can't be refuted;                              
Culpability can't be disputed.                              
"How could you?" She cried                                  
And you should have lied                                    
Saying "She snapped her thong just like you did!"           
                                                            
14327 CLINTON - HILLARY                                       



China human rights problems now brew.                       
She considered the conference anew.                         
When deciding to go,                                        
The new poll she must know:                                 
We want to trade Rodham for Wu.                             
(Harry Wu, Chinese dissident)                               
14328 CLINTON - HILLARY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary, of course, thinks that's not fair                  
Unless she also acts like a hare.                           
So she misses the love                                      
Of her own lonesome dove --                                 
Too bad Vince Foster's no longer there.                     
                                                            
14329 CLINTON - HILLARY                                       



Ambitious is "Senator" Hillary,                             
Expending election artillery;                               
A would-be Evita                                            
(I call it excreta) --                                      
O where is the old public pillory?                          
                                                            
14330 CLINTON - HILLARY              Armand Singer            



As we hear her moanin' and bitchin',                        
We notice her eyes started twitchin'.                       
Rodham, you're not elite,                                   
If you can't take the heat,                                 
Then get your butt back in the kitchen!                     
                                                            
14331 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



A new plot hatched to end Clinton's breath,                 
A la Shakespeare in Lady Macbeth.                           
The police undercover                                       
Had chance to discover,                                     
Rodham's hired to bitch him to death.                       
                                                            
14332 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



Though she thinks Will Safire uncouth,                      
And is whining, like back in her youth,                     
In her polls is a dive.                                     
More think Elvis alive                                      
Than believe Rodham's telling the truth.                    
                                                            
14333 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willy, you're making us gag;                          
Your plan is not in the bag.                                
You're giving a curse,                                      
Now what could be worse?                                    
Four years with Hillary on the rag!                         
                                                            
14334 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



We know better than her sweet facade;                       
Against Rodham, we need a jihad.                            
In the sky, watch it form;                                  
We detect a great storm.                                    
Time to hand her the lightning rod.                         
                                                            
14335 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young woman named Rodham,                       
Whose friends didn't dare call her "Modom",                 
But for Willie's OK                                         
On the health stuff she'd say,                              
If he wanted a girl, she allot 'em.                         
                                                            
14336 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH                               



A fierce lady lawyer of Sodom                               
Found her man felt no joy till she'd prod him.              
'Tween gut-kicks and kisses,                                
He'd groan, "Don't stop, Mrs..."                            
She'd hiss, "Don't say Clinton, it's Rodham"                
                                                            
14337 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH                               



Clinton's fall made him feel his own pain                   
And gave Gore a few hours to reign.                         
But Al had to brawl                                         
With Bill's wife in the hall                                
Just to make her let go of the reins.                       
                                                            
14338 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



She has shredded so you will not find                       
All the files she put out of her mind.                      
So beware of her smile,                                     
Rodham's so low and vile,                                   
One step up is a rodent's behind.                           
                                                            
14339 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



Reponding to critics, Bill's bolder,                        
As Rodham gets tougher and colder.                          
With arrogance showing,                                     
He loudly is crowing,                                       
They've not built a jail than can hold 'er.                 
                                                            
14340 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



She's all-knowing, the First Evil Witch;                    
Her support the fans won't ever ditch.                      
Add to her ESP,                                             
PMS and you'll see,                                         
Rodham's really a know-it-all bitch.                        
                                                            
14341 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



In deceit no one else holds a candle;                       
So for Rodham, we have a great handle.                      
Guinness just made the call;                                
Her new plaque's on the wall:                               
"Undisputed First Lady Of Scandal"                          
                                                            
14342 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



The mortician said, "I know what's best.                    
And Ms. Rodham, you're really a pest.                       
It's perverted and sick.                                    
Don't you touch Foster's dick.                              
I will not let you lay him to rest."                        
                                                            
14343 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



An employee may cause Rodham's doom;                        
She is set to escape on her broom.                          
For the first time she'll meet                              
He who caused all the heat;                                 
Mr. Livingstone may I presume?                              
                                                            
14344 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary and Bill they got hitched;                          
From Whitewater theft, they got rich;                       
As Prez, things got sticky                                  
For Bill and his dickie,                                    
So she'll end up Senator...er..Rodham.                      
                                                            
14345 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH                               



"Please, dear Eleanor, join in my fight,                    
And bring all the answers to light."                        
Well Ms. Rodham, my dear,                                   
We have wisdom up here.                                     
Heaven knows mother Gingrich was right!"                    
(mother Gingrich called Hillary a bitch on TV)              
14346 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



William Kennedy's comments are rich;                        
A hole in the ground's not a ditch.                         
He claims pigeons can't fly;                                
Three year olds don't ask why;                              
And Ms. Rodham's not really a witch.                        
                                                            
14347 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



As Hillary mounted her broom,                               
She shrieked a foreboding of doom:                          
I'll sooner be dead                                         
Than to share the same bed;                                 
I'll be damned if I'll share the same room!                 
                                                            
14348 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH                               



Willy's colorfully sharp as a tack;                         
There's a yellow streak right down his back.                
Drugs cause red nose surprise;                              
Black bags under his eyes;                                  
Off his blue balls Ms. Rodham will hack.                    
                                                            
14349 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



Solving problems they heard was his niche;                  
Bill met players and owners quite rich.                     
He hurled Ms. Rodham                                        
Right out on her bottom                                     
When he misheard "Throw out the first pitch."               
                                                            
14350 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



The new White House dog was named Jade.                     
No longer does Socks have it made.                          
Came comment from Willy,                                    
"I got this for Hilly."                                     
Sir, you made a remarkable trade.                           
                                                            
14351 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



She wants money, that's well understood;                    
Taxing all of it, if but she could.                         
Let's take from the rich                                    
And give to the bitch;                                      
That's enough of this damn Rodham Hood.                     
                                                            
14352 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



The Chinese built Hillary a potty;                          
For 26 thou is ain't shoddy.                                
It's a golden ditch                                         
Just for the First Bitch.                                   
Chinese no lose face -- see 1st twattie!                    
                                                            
14353 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Marsha Magee       TP9806



If you've ever seen Hillary's pan,                          
It's hard to place blame on the man.                        
But as to his member,                                       
She cannot remember.                                        
It's never been part of her plan.                           
                                                            
14354 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



When Hillary said there'd be no                             
White males in the cabinet or she'd go.                     
An ex-lover named Flowers                                   
Said, "Bill, use your powers,                               
Te hominum esse memento."                                   
(remember you are a man)                                    
14355 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      FB                       



Hillary's often at odds with her Mister                     
And when Clinton sniffed "flowers", it pissed her.          
But she takes it in stride,                                 
Just swallowed her pride,                                   
While she plots the return of "The Twister."                
                                                            
14356 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



We wonder, what's Hillary's role?                           
Then she says in a voice very cold,                         
"Unless it's proven true,                                   
There's naught you can do.                                  
I'm so glad I voted for Dole."                              
                                                            
14357 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Anon                     



Ken Starr they attempt to deter                             
As witch hunt, his job they refer.                          
Comes as no great surprise,                                 
Rodham has lying eyes;                                      
The witch they are hunting is her.                          
                                                            
14358 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



On Chung, they called her a bitch;                          
She's always attacking the rich.                            
This woman's frustrating                                    
And more irritating                                         
Than even the worst rectal itch.                            
                                                            
14359 CLINTON - HILLARY - BITCH      Jim Weaver Collection    



She tried a new twist, Hillary Rodham,                      
To keep Clinton home, she un-shod him.                      
He broke her padlocks                                       
And just in his socks                                       
He ached as he walked clear to Sodom.                       
                                                            
14360 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Al Willis                



Said Slick Willy to the former Miss Rodham,                 
"There's two balls here and I am who's got 'em.             
Said she, "You dumb hick!                                   
Though you haven't a prick,                                 
And your balls are well trained 'cause I taught 'em."       
                                                            
14361 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jeeves                   



A lawyer named Hillary C.                                   
Was arrested for trying to be                               
A substitute president,                                     
Not merely a resident                                       
Of Hubby Bill's menagerie.                                  
                                                            
14362 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Kalkbrenner              



Willy's bubble is ready to burst,                           
And the evil First Lady is cursed.                          
He is in her firm grip,                                     
With her chain and her whip,                                
And no longer is Carter the worst.                          
                                                            
14363 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



Both Bill Gates and Bill Clinton are "Bill".                
Both are slicker than slick, if you will.                   
Though Bill Gates is the smarter                            
By two and a quarter,                                       
He'd lack Hillary's help on the Hill.                       
                                                            
14364 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS                                



About Hillary? What can I say?                              
We learn more about her each day.                           
She has the power                                           
To make Clinton cower,                                      
And the others stay out of her way.                         
                                                            
14365 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



The report seemed, at first, very odd,                      
But it soon got a favorable nod.                            
Most dylexics with sense                                    
Have come off of the fence,                                 
And are calling Ms. Rodham a "god"!                         
                                                            
14366 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



That she's tough, some guys just cannot face;               
Fans say she can take any man's place.                      
Twice the pitcher threw wide,                               
And the umpire cried,                                       
"That's four balls, Rodham go take your base!"              
                                                            
14367 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Prez from Hot Springs,                     
With a flair for affairs and hot flings.                    
His wife -- a ballbuster --                                 
Was a real General Custer                                   
Of health coverage's arrows and slings.                     
                                                            
14368 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



A socialist named Hilary Rodham                             
Planned our health care from top down to bottom;            
With districts and councils                                 
To take out our tonsils                                     
And bureaucrats friendly as Saddam.                         
                                                            
14369 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Don Hart                 



There was a First Lady named Hillary                        
Who was caught in a sly peccadillo: She                     
Had sold Health Care stocks short,                          
And when dragged into court,                                
Was compelled to do time in a pillory.                      
                                                            
14370 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Don Moore           P9405



Raw power is Rodham's great vice.                           
Don't get in her way, there's a price.                      
Over hill, over dale,                                       
She has kicked Billy's tail.                                
Isn't megalomania nice?                                     
                                                            
14371 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a lady named Rodham,                         
Got tired of being on the bottom.                           
She said, "I'll be danged!                                  
Let Bill be hanged!                                         
I'm going to be mistress of Sodom.                          
                                                            
14372 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Marsha Magee             



Once again Bill's embroiled in great strife;                
It's a pattern that shaped his whole life.                  
With her usual reaction,                                    
Hillary went into action,                                   
Acting more like a mother than wife.                        
                                                            
14373 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



At his 50th birthday, a roast;                              
Rodham's wearing the pants, she will boast.                 
Flowers readys her song;                                    
Thoughts of Marilyn be gone.                                
"If she sings it, dear Willy, you're toast."                
                                                            
14374 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



When the plane hit, officials were vexed.                   
It had left Clinton's aides quite perplexed.                
But their ears really burned                                
When Ms. Rodham had learned:                                
In succession, that she was not next.                       
                                                            
14375 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



"Conspiracy!" Hillary cries,                                
"The fault of those right-winger guys!"                     
(Right-wingers want Gore?                                   
Good Lord, tell me more!                                    
Must be pinkos in right-wing disguise!)                     
                                                            
14376 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       John Miller              



Rodham's strong and gives males what for;                   
She's the woman the others adore.                           
But she's not elected;                                      
Bill's always erected;                                      
Can we all say political whore?                             
                                                            
14377 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Hillary's entered the fray;                             
"A right-wing conspiracy", she'll say.                      
With this special spin,                                     
They hope that they'll win,                                 
And that Bill can continue to play.                         
                                                            
14378 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Dbled                    



She's a lady who's filled with such drive,                  
Who believes that we've swallowed her jive.                 
Now we've learned of her fraud,                             
And she's screaming abroad,                                 
That we're not going to take her alive.                     
                                                            
14379 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



When the President moves to New York,                       
(The REAL one - all balls and no dork)                      
Do you think that she will                                  
Get rid of her Bill,                                        
Or apply to his arms extra torque?                          
                                                            
14380 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS                                



Bill has proven that by his score.                          
So I think she'll show him the door.                        
With a kick in the ass,                                     
And a ticket, coach class,                                  
'Cause she doesn't need him anymore.                        
                                                            
14381 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS                                



Now Hillary's known as a leader;                            
First president minus a peter.                              
Women knowingly nod                                         
For a woman is God!                                         
And the chief exec is a breeder!                            
                                                            
14382 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Oddo Vo Schlong     T9710



Hillary Billary Socks,                                      
They listen when She talks.                                 
"Now listen to me,"                                         
Said She to he,                                             
"Or else I'll change the locks."                            
                                                            
14383 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



"On my honor, I solemnly swear,"                            
Said Bill Clinton, right hand in the air,                   
"Not to make any moves                                      
Unless Hillary approves                                     
Since she'd cut off my balls if I'd dare."                  
                                                            
14384 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       John Sandler        P9303



There once was a lady named Rodham,                         
Who demanded appointments and got 'em.                      
So by gender and race,                                      
They all took their place,                                  
In the Clinton's Gomorrah and Sodom.                        
                                                            
14385 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



Exercising without a mishap,                                
The first couple's knees Doc will wrap.                     
Almost ready to go,                                         
But the trainer must know                                   
This time which one gets the jock strap.                    
                                                            
14386 CLINTON - HILLARY - BOSS       Jim Weaver Collection    



Fires burn and make cauldrons bubble;                       
Once again there's some trouble with Hubbell.               
He taught Hill all the ropes,                               
So he knows how to cope,                                    
And he charged his law firm at least double.                
                                                            
14387 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



At the White House they're getting excited;                 
Create spin, you're all hereby invited.                     
One receives most appeal,                                   
Claims it's not a big deal;                                 
There have been many First Ladies indicted.                 
                                                            
14388 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



They called them the three musketeers,                      
And they were all Hillary's dears.                          
First Vince Foster's shot down,                             
Nussbaum's run out of town,                                 
Now Hubbell must serve a few years.                         
                                                            
14389 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary wrote a term paper                                  
About the Watergate caper.                                  
It recently surfaced                                        
And makes her nervous                                       
Because of its very nature.                                 
                                                            
14390 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Gearhart                 



Subpoenaed by Sub-committee,                                
Bill Clinton said, "Oh no--not me,                          
Nor my innocent daughter                                    
Was involved in Whitewater--                                
But, maybe...perhaps...Hillary?"                            
                                                            
14391 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Beecher Smith       P9611



The First Lady may soon be indicted.                        
Her dealing are being spotlighted.                          
But we all know full well                                   
She won't land in a cell,                                   
And her wrongs will not ever be righted.                    
                                                            
14392 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



You'll find that we all have been told                      
With clean hands, we are both good as gold.                 
Imagine the specter                                         
Of her lie detector;                                        
When hooked up, Rodham's head will explode.                 
                                                            
14393 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



Some question the First Lady's connection                   
To campaign funds for Bill's reelection.                    
But her careful replies                                     
Will not reveal ties,                                       
"I can't recall; I have no recollection."                   
                                                            
14394 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



Behind bars is where Hillary's headed;                      
It's a loan file that she has long dreaded.                 
They let this one by;                                       
There's a tear in her eye.                                  
"Why the hell wasn't Flowerwood shredded?"                  
                                                            
14395 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



"It doesn't matter whatever you find,                       
I will cover Ms. Rodham's behind.                           
Though you're sure there's a smell,                         
If you think I will tell,                                   
You are all out of your freaking mind."                     
                                                            
14396 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



Hill's real estate records had strayed,                     
While Bill at his office desk played.                       
UNBEKNOWNST to the two,                                     
The files came to view                                      
On White House hall table displayed.                        
                                                            
14397 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Elois                    



From her land deals much money she took;                    
At the records we never could look.                         
She made profits divine                                     
In her dealing bovine.                                      
It is clear the First Lady's a crook!                       
                                                            
14398 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



Because records could turn up the heat,                     
They're destroyed without skipping a beat.                  
When at first she awakes,                                   
What's the food Rodham takes?                               
She, of course, recommends Shredded Wheat.                  
                                                            
14399 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



Al DeAmato has so far been vexed;                           
By Ms. Rodham he seems to be hexed.                         
Our fans have no equal,                                     
They'll call for a sequel:                                  
"It takes a subpoena" is next.                              
                                                            
14400 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



Ms. Rodham, please help us along,                           
And we will be ending this song.                            
I hope you are willing;                                     
Give records of billing.                                    
Whoops, three years of records are gone.                    
                                                            
14401 CLINTON - HILLARY - LAWYER     Jim Weaver Collection    



In the White house, they're flipping their lids,            
Extramarital stuff she forbids.                             
The choice for a baby                                       
Is having sex, maybe,                                       
Or adopt one of Bill's other kids.                          
                                                            
14402 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Polimerick Press    P9704



Poor Hillary helps Clinton preach                           
Those values that no one should breach;                     
But Bill will assert                                        
(While chasing Jen's skirt):                                
"Ignore my wife's figures of speech!"                       
                                                            
14403 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Mark Levy           P9508



There once was a nymph, name of Rodham,                     
Who, with Bill, was traveling to Sodom.                     
Bill paused on the way                                      
For a bit of foreplay,                                      
But neglected Ms. Rodham's fine bottom.                     
                                                            
14404 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Baker                    



Now Hillary's known as a leader.                            
It's hard to say who could succeed her.                     
Before her youth wanes,                                     
And because of her brains,                                  
With Clinton's consent, we should breed her.                
                                                            
14405 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Al Willis                



Good God! Are you out of your gourd?                        
One of HER's all the land can afford.                       
Export her and her man                                      
To Hong Kong or Japan;                                      
Keep them down to our size, Praise the Lord!                
                                                            
14406 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       John Miller              



I'm Hillary, and I'll tell you for certain,                 
I'll stand by my man, though I'm hurtin' --                 
I don't care who he bones,                                  
If he leaves me alone --                                    
If not, then I'll bring down the curtain.                   
                                                            
14407 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Kaylin Brandon           



The "Left" is in great consternation;                       
"Fix the Bill" or they'll be conflagration.                 
Rodham says with a chill,                                   
When she talks, "Fix the Bill" ,                            
She speaks of her husband's castration.                     
                                                            
14408 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



When Lewinsky got down on her knees,                        
The Cattle Queen was not very pleased.                      
But she read with gusto                                     
Kaczynski's manifesto,                                      
And devised some new federal decrees.                       
                                                            
14409 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Mike Schneider           



Wild Willy's actions don't BEHOOVE                          
A President that's in the groove.                           
He's glad Hillary's                                         
No artilleries.                                             
To check mate ain't just a chess move.                      
                                                            
14410 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Darryl                   



Chelsea walks in the room very nice.                        
Daddy hugs her and kisses her twice.                        
Then to Rodhoam she's led;                                  
Mommy pats her dear head.                                   
"You're right, dad, she's colder than ice."                 
                                                            
14411 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



As the bimbos Ms. Rodham recalls,                           
One more time and she says Willy falls.                     
"In empowerment tents,                                      
If I catch such events,                                     
I'll cut off your inaugural balls."                         
                                                            
14412 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



At least now we know who is smart;                          
It sure isn't Bill, the old fart.                           
Who Hillary is screwing                                     
Is not open to viewing,                                     
'Cause she fucks 'em and cuts out their heart.              
                                                            
14413 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Cheryl                   



To Willy we notice frigidity;                               
Bovine dealings revealed her cupidity.                      
If you think Rodham's great,                                
You no longer need wait;                                    
Please enter the room marked "Stupidity".                   
                                                            
14414 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Everyone here, please take note;                            
Hillary has got my vote.                                    
Poor sorry lass,                                            
Her husband's an ass,                                       
But on him she seem to dote.                                
                                                            
14415 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Arden                    



Said the prez, "I'll pay debt without fail;                 
So though Hillary's pussy is stale,                         
Since the bitch stood behind me                             
When Miss Flowers maligned me,                              
I still eat her, but never inhale."                         
                                                            
14416 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       John Sandler        P9303



Viagra, the little blue pill;                               
"A Godsend," said Hillary to Bill.                          
"'Cause after your tricks                                   
With those intern-type chicks,                              
You're able my pussy to fill!"                              
                                                            
14417 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Raceway                  



Now Hillary's known as a leader,                            
Yet she can't even find poor Bill's peter.                  
If she was a leader, she'd ask Bill to eat her;             
When faced with this task, he replied in a flash;           
"The dog is hungry, go feed her."                           
                                                            
14418 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Lorraine            T9711



To clear up a point, Bill was glad;                         
"To call her First Lady is mad!"                            
As he said to the throng,                                   
"You have got it all wrong!                                 
It means she's the first one I had!"                        
                                                            
14419 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Moony              TP9802



Once again Bill and his wife disagree.                      
He's so Hemmingway-esque we can see.                        
For one question she'll opt,                                
For whom the pants dropped.                                 
"Do not ask dear, the pants drop for thee."                 
                                                            
14420 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary looked at him, countenance stern,                   
And said "Bill, a new leaf you shall turn."                 
He said "Love, to be frank,                                 
I would much rather wank                                    
Than be framed by another intern."                          
                                                            
14421 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE                                



Once was a leader named Bill,                               
Who, always in search of a thrill,                          
Said, "I'll find a young intern,                            
Who won't mind a rugburn,                                   
'Cause Hillary gives me a chill."                           
                                                            
14422 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Tim Thompson             



The First Lady sighed as she sat,                           
"That Monica looks kind of fat.                             
She's hornier than me,                                      
Indubitably,                                                
But then, so is old Socks the Cat."                         
                                                            
14423 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE                                



Buddy's going to be neutered, they say;                     
I read in the paper today.                                  
Socks was given the saw                                     
While in Arkansaw;                                          
At Bill, Hillary's thinking that way.                       
                                                            
14424 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       S C Saint                



When Slick Willy jogs in the mall,                          
Hillary Rodham will soon get a call.                        
For when he stops to pee,                                   
He's going to see                                           
That her number's all over the wall.                        
                                                            
14425 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Communing with ghosts on her roster,                        
Such as Eleanor, Ghandi, and Foster;                        
They seemed to advise,                                      
On Bill, and his lies,                                      
"Why not dump that lecherous imposter?"                     
                                                            
14426 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Don Hart                 



There was a First Lady named Hillary                        
Who remembered the days when the pillory                    
Was the punishment given                                    
By husbands who'd driven                                    
Their women to raid the distillery.                         
                                                            
14427 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       John Peyton Cooke        



An adulterous liar named Bill                               
Was possessed of a wife with a will                         
To reach the White House                                    
On the back of her spouse,                                  
And not on her knowledge or skill.                          
                                                            
14428 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Bill has us all in a tizzy.                             
Man, has he ever been busy.                                 
He's skirting the dirt                                      
While flirting with skirts,                                 
And Hillary still wonders, "Is He?"                         
                                                            
14429 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Rusty Smith              



Bill really loves a good blow.                              
He's a liar; I'm sure that it's so.                         
Does Hillary buy it?                                        
Or does she just keep quiet.                                
How he does it, I'd sure like to know.                      
                                                            
14430 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Navin                    



Our First Lady was taken aback                              
When the Court gave her hubby no slack.                     
Asked she of her mate,                                      
"You still want to date?                                    
Then I think you should hurry and pack."                    
                                                            
14431 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



She knows Bill's a philandering sinner;                     
Rodham's patience is getting much thinner.                  
She got his attention                                       
When he heard her mention                                   
That Ms. Bobbitt was coming to dinner.                      
                                                            
14432 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



I need to confess about Bill:                               
His spunk is a quite bitter pill.                           
I don't give him head                                       
And seldom do spread.                                       
I'd rather he jack and I jill.                              
                                                            
14433 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       John Miller              



They're calling the Prez, "The Big Zipper".                 
"New rock group?" asks Hillary, chipper.                    
"Well he does play the sax.                                 
Tell the folks to relax;                                    
We'll leave it to Al and to Tipper."                        
                                                            
14434 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Ystap              TP9802



Now Hillary's known as a leader,                            
Because she sucks Bill's three-foot tweeter!                
But Willy's lez wife                                        
Is handy with that knife,                                   
And his whang is no longer a meter!                         
                                                            
14435 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Chilly Willy        T9711



There once was a DC whore,                                  
Who talked daily to Ellenor.                                
She married a hick                                          
Who thought with his dick,                                  
And was a liar to his very core.                            
                                                            
14436 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Brinkley's comments created some strife,                    
But Bill told him it's just part of life.                   
"You just bobbled the ball;                                 
My goof's biggest of all;                                   
Asking Rodham if she'd be my wife."                         
                                                            
14437 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Not every mistreater's a louse,                             
For implicit in Hillary's grouse                            
Lies a message subliminal:                                  
Mistreatment is criminal                                    
(Unless the abuser's my spouse!)                            
                                                            
14438 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE                                



Now Hillary's known as a leader,                            
And Slick Willy's salary feeds her.                         
Clinton runs 'round;                                        
Hillary won't frown.                                        
Where are the morals of Peter.                              
(Peter's morals - he was a fucking pervert! - McW)          
14439 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE                           T9710



He is evil but he's not a dummy.                            
It's clear he thinks his parter's crummy.                   
But before you pre-judge,                                   
Here's a wink and a nudge;                                  
Before Rodham, you might choose that mummy.                 
                                                            
14440 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton in need of some quips                          
Trimmed his wife's hairy pussy with snips,                  
Then as Democrats cheered,                                  
Showed the snatch with no beard.                            
"There's no bush!" she exclaimed. "Read my lips!"           
                                                            
14441 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Phil Cannibal       P9301



I doubt Billy boy will be gloating                          
At surviving the seas he's been boating.                    
These days there's no chance                                
He's been getting romance;                                  
I bet Hillary don't do deep throating.                      
                                                            
14442 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE                                



Hilly, who once would be queen,                             
Has somehow been squooshed in between.                      
Her husband, the clown,                                     
Has most likely put down                                    
Any chance at the "First Husband" scene.                    
                                                            
14443 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       John Miller              



For her he seems to have no respect,                        
But what the hell else to expect                            
From a former "hippie".                                     
The '60's, you see,                                         
Their happy home he sure did wreck.                         
                                                            
14444 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Arden                    



Mrs. Clinton did not look amused,                           
And appeared to be fairly short-fused,                      
When I saw her today,                                       
Walking grimly away                                         
From the guy who is being accused.                          
                                                            
14445 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



If ridicule you wish to avoid,                              
Mrs. C., don't be paranoid.                                 
Just accept it's high time                                  
Willy paid for SOME crime,                                  
Of the many whose fruits you've enjoyed.                    
                                                            
14446 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       John Miller              



Tell me Hillary, sweet,                                     
Why you enable Bill, the cheat.                             
He gives in to lust,                                        
You can't even trust                                        
The satyr to be a little discreet.                          
                                                            
14447 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill said, "You have aroused me, my dear;                   
Makes me wish that the pole vault was near."                
She said, "Willy, you dud,                                  
With the size of your pud,                                  
A small hurdle you'd not even clear!"                       
                                                            
14448 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



The media is having a blast,                                
Detailing Bill's hot sexual past.                           
I look at my husband dear,                                  
And for Hillary shed a tear;                                
I'm not his first lady, but I'm last.                       
                                                            
14449 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Tom Simon                



In public, a loving pair,                                   
But when in their own private lair,                         
Does she say with a smirk,                                  
"Bill, you fucking jerk!                                    
I never expected to share!"                                 
                                                            
14450 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Arden                    



An eagle whose wings have been clipped,                     
Wishes Monica'd been more tight-lipped.                     
The White House resident,                                   
Who's not the President,                                    
Would prefer that his nuts had been nipped.                 
                                                            
14451 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE                                



"Slick Willy" should once in a while,                       
Behave in his own DOMICILE,                                 
And share his sex life                                      
With only his wife,                                         
That lawyerly mistress of guile.                            
                                                            
14452 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Chris Papa               



A statesmanly woman named Hillary                           
Said: "I'm pissed off with your peccadillory --             
All this billin' and cooin'                                 
With Monica Lewin --                                        
Sky's givin' me terrible billary!"                          
                                                            
14453 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE                                



When Bill and Hillary Slick                                 
Made known their political clique                           
Of Lesbians and gays,                                       
And folks with strange ways,                                
The world then became somewhat sick.                        
                                                            
14454 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Meanwhile Bill's dear Hill-a-ree                            
Stands by her old man, yes-sir-ee.                          
She goes to great pain                                      
To clearly explain                                          
A mean right wing con-spir-a-cee.                           
                                                            
14455 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Scott Baldwin            



Hill woke up Bill, a cheap shot...                          
"I'm just going to squat on the pot."                       
"You going for a pee?                                       
Why alert me?"                                              
"I want you to just save my spot."                          
                                                            
14456 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       TuttaGioia               



Shut Up, every right winger meanie;                         
Please just lay off our grand King and Queenie.             
Her views are in fashion;                                   
She has the compassion,                                     
And even shares her husband's weenie.                       
                                                            
14457 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



To the Whitehouse West Portico greeter,                     
Said Bill, "The First Lady -- none's sweeter --             
But remember that she's                                     
Changed her name, if you please,                            
As you know, she is now Sharon Peter."                      
                                                            
14458 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Martin Wellborn     P9807



Bill and Hillary left church to boos.                       
Bill walked fast, looking down at his shoes.                
Notice that Hill                                            
Had a look that could kill.                                 
Who she'll kill, I'll leave you to choose.                  
                                                            
14459 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Annie Jay                



Bill Clinton's the man of the hour;                         
So why does his wife have the power?                        
Lewinsky of course,                                         
(Half woman, half horse)                                    
No wonder Ms. Clinton's so sour!                            
                                                            
14460 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Star               TP9806



Old Billy's in trouble in spades,                           
And Hillary's now quite afraid.                             
Guess her conscience requires                               
She quell her desires,                                      
Now that hubby's spreading his AIDES.                       
                                                            
14461 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Rusty Smith              



Bill Clinton is suffering malaise,                          
He's not getting much sex these days.                       
Says Hillary Rodham,                                        
"Keep away from my bottom;                                  
You've spent too much time with those gays."                
                                                            
14462 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       James M. Menger     P9308



As Hillary stands by his side,                              
Bill claims the women have lied.                            
So from now to the end                                      
She'll be his best friend,                                  
For privilege, power and pride.                             
                                                            
14463 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Bob Birch           P9804



Now don't get on Hillary's case,                            
A fine specimen of the human race.                          
No, she's not pretty                                        
And hasn't much titty,                                      
But she always tries to save face.                          
                                                            
14464 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Puff Adder               



Mrs. C, like her hubby, is sly;                             
Feigns amazement we'd pick on her guy.                      
She says it is silly                                        
To distrust Slick Willy,                                    
Just because of one teensy lie.                             
                                                            
14465 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       John Miller              



Even though Bill and Hillary are wed,                       
I will bet they don't share the same bed.                   
And I'm sure she's aware                                    
Of her husband's affairs                                    
And that V.D. is very widespread.                           
                                                            
14466 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young pervert from Hope,                        
Who didn't inhale on his dope.                              
He said, "I forgot.                                         
Last time I smoked pot,                                     
Was when Hillary and I then eloped!"                        
                                                            
14467 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Marsha Magee             



Executive Privilege we discern,                             
Keeps Starr from trying to learn                            
Just what the First Lady                                    
Knows that is shady                                         
About Paula and a certain intern!                           
                                                            
14468 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Sam Pittman              



Over welfare, Bill Clinton's a hack.                        
Liberal buddies have launched an attack.                    
But if you think that's bad,                                
Chelsea's warning her dad:                                  
"Just you wait until mommy gets back!"                      
                                                            
14469 CLINTON - HILLARY - WIFE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton? Full of crap is he.                           
His success is because that we                              
As a nation complete,                                       
Just stare at our feet,                                     
Afflicted with great apathy.                                
                                                            
14470 CLINTON - IGNORED              Kasodrac                 



A world poll of Bill and Mon's frolics                      
Would result in "What a load of bollocks!"                  
Why not spend the time                                      
Instead fighting crime;                                     
The homeless; the hungry; alcoholics?                       
                                                            
14471 CLINTON - IGNORED              Kim and Sam              



I have been browsing the net, merely lurking,               
While my programming work I've been shirking.               
And I see one refrain                                       
Again and again,                                            
From others who should have been working.                   
                                                            
14472 CLINTON - IGNORED              John Miller              



"Oh, please let our President be!                           
He has led us to prosperity!"                               
(Now, surely these folks                                    
Are just telling jokes?                                     
They're not posting in sincerity?)                          
                                                            
14473 CLINTON - IGNORED              John Miller              



Oh Lordy, Have they made my day!                            
I'd laugh if they'd show me the way,                        
Bill's led our finances                                     
In glorious advances,                                       
While keeping inflation at bay...                           
                                                            
14474 CLINTON - IGNORED              John Miller              



Say banker and fat bureaucrat                               
Fail to keep this from all going flat.                      
Will folks act the same                                     
As we go down in flame,                                     
And blame the poor bastard for that?                        
                                                            
14475 CLINTON - IGNORED              John Miller              



Today I am not very proud;                                  
Last weekend I said right out loud,                         
"I'll bet the DOW                                           
Drops half a thou..."                                       
Well, it just went the range I'd allowed.                   
                                                            
14476 CLINTON - IGNORED              John Miller              



Unless you want us to get stuck                             
With some moron who once drove a truck,                     
Let the man do his job,                                     
And who's waxing his knob,                                  
I, for one, do not give a fuck!                             
                                                            
14477 CLINTON - IGNORED              LadyJ                    



Man, I would give up ten bucks                              
Not to know who the President fucks.                        
From front or from rear --                                  
I do not even care                                          
If he sleeps with a truckload of ducks.                     
                                                            
14478 CLINTON - IGNORED              Nik Synytskyy            



The question is one for grand juries                        
And for TV guys' whines, sighs, and worries;                
While Starr serves a writ,                                  
I do not give a shit.                                       
I have my own life and it hurries.                          
                                                            
14479 CLINTON - IGNORED              Steevo                   



One feels sorry for President C.,                           
His private life fills our TV.                              
While you and I, say,                                       
Can just rabbit away                                        
In complete anonimity.                                      
                                                            
14480 CLINTON - IGNORED              Birko                    



It seems Clinton bashers abound;                            
Still the polls say he's on solid ground.                   
It seems he can do                                          
Anything he wants to,                                       
And his polls, they still won't go down.                    
                                                            
14481 CLINTON - IGNORED              Gearhart                 



You have no right to complain                               
When those who govern remain,                               
If you didn't vote.                                         
And on that note                                            
I'll end this angry refrain.                                
                                                            
14482 CLINTON - IGNORED              Arden                    



Oh no! That Slick Willie again.                             
Tell me, what do we stand to gain                           
Knowing how he sleeps,                                      
Who he fucks, how he sheets,                                
And if Monica's really his bane.                            
                                                            
14483 CLINTON - IGNORED              Nik Syntyskyy            



Seems journalists can't find the news                       
Unless it involves "who did who".                           
It is not my biz                                            
Who shot their jizz                                         
And whether is sprayed or it oozed.                         
                                                            
14484 CLINTON - IGNORED              Gearhart                 



As Pres, Bill couldn't be hipper;                           
Over 50, and still works the zipper.                        
He wants to shout                                           
"You won't kick us out!                                     
If you do, it's Al Gore and Tipper!"                        
                                                            
14485 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Anon                     



My what a temper have we,                                   
About impeachment I see.                                    
But Bills to blame,                                         
He had no shame;                                            
Your anger is displaced on me.                              
                                                            
14486 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Sumerman                 



Throwing stones amidst their glass castles,                 
Tormenting us all with their hassles;                       
They're right, you know,                                    
Old Clinton should go.                                      
But GOD don't they all look like assh'les.                  
                                                            
14487 CLINTON - IMPEACH              MrMalo                   



Impeach the man from D.C.?                                  
I've thought of a better decree.                            
If the Senate were smart,                                   
A vote they'd impart:                                       
Blowjobs for all from Lewinsky!                             
                                                            
14488 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Tony Ventura             



Our Congress accepted the scoop                             
From America's favorite snoop.                              
Wild oats he's not sown;                                    
Who cast the first stone                                    
For that sanctimonious group?                               
                                                            
14489 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Cyber Geezer             



It seems our esteemed Head of State                         
May be facing impeachment.  Hey, Great!                     
'Cause the Congress, this fall,                             
Would be watched by us all                                  
As they publicly all mass-debate.                           
                                                            
14490 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Spirit                   



Please do not be depressed;                                 
The problem will soon be addressed                          
By a whole bunch of guys,                                   
In the Gongress so wise,                                    
Whose efficiency's always impressed.                        
                                                            
14491 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



The impeachment trial's over at last,                       
Resolved as the pundits forecast.                           
As the lawyers departed,                                    
Someone let loose and farted                                
And left the whole Senate aghast!                           
                                                            
14492 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



If the Senate can legally avoid                             
A long trial, they will be overjoyed!                       
They'd rather give Bill a pass                              
Than spend weeks on their ass.                              
I suspect the key word is "hemorrhoid".                     
                                                            
14493 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



Why pick on poor Starr and poor Hyde?                       
No need to be rude, crude and snide.                        
Those unfortunate slobs                                     
Are just doing their jobs;                                  
Bet they're really quite human, inside.                     
                                                            
14494 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



The voices, hushed and intonious,                           
With harshest decree sanctimonious;                         
"Impeach him!" quoth Hyde;                                  
"There's no doubt that he lied                              
About sex! And we judge him felonious."                     
                                                            
14495 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Disgusted                



Bill!  Jesus Christ, aren't you proud?                      
It looks like you might be allowed                          
To wiggle and squirm                                        
So's to finish your term;                                   
We'll continue, though under a cloud.                       
                                                            
14496 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



How could you dare to convict                               
And pass down a guilty verdict,                             
If deep in your soul                                        
You've buggered a hole                                      
Of someone you ne'er should have picked.                    
                                                            
14497 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Arden                    



I keep getting thie recurring hunch...                      
Politicians are such a lame bunch!                          
Impeachment or censure,                                     
It's such a gut wrencher;                                   
Forget it! Let's all go to lunch!                           
                                                            
14498 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Observer           TP9901



A Republican Congressman, Hyde,                             
Wanted President Clinton deep-fried.                        
But come Nov, Y2K;                                          
Grand Old Party will lay                                    
Stone cold dead.  Cause of death: Suicide.                  
                                                            
14499 CLINTON - IMPEACH              CB                 TP9901



For all Clinton lovers, this thought:                       
If Bill had stepped down, as he ought,                      
Then we'd all be blessed                                    
With Gore ("second best"),                                  
And the vote wouldn't have to be bought.                    
                                                            
14500 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



"No need for a trial!" so they spin.                        
They fear that their man cannot win.                        
For if there is a trial,                                    
There is no denial;                                         
Bill Clinton is guilty as sin!                              
                                                            
14501 CLINTON - IMPEACH              George Maschke           



Bill's got troubles galore;                                 
He not only lost his best whore,                            
His wife's gives him hell;                                  
He'll soon be in jail,                                      
appendg Hail to the Chief to Al Gore.                       
                                                            
14502 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



You know its their solemn duty                              
To cross-examine this cutie.                                
There has been some hints                                   
They may find fingerprints,                                 
If first they'd examine her booty                           
                                                            
14503 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



In bed, Bill's a great president,                           
Whose tool - I'll confirm it -- is bent.                    
Since he put it in double,                                  
To save Monica trouble,                                     
He's not guilty of coming -- he went.                       
                                                            
14504 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



Oh come now, Mister Henry Hyde;                             
So you got some on the side.                                
Affairs at forty-one                                        
Are not exactly that young.                                 
Your story is not bona fide.                                
                                                            
14505 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Ted                      



You wouldn't have told your mommy                           
Or your seargeant in the Army,                              
That it's just indiscreet                                   
And not a sin to cheat;                                     
That you only played Hyde the salami.                       
                                                            
14506 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Ted                      



In this, the great land of democracy,                       
We're about to hamstring the bureaucracy.                   
By going to trial                                           
About sexual denial,                                        
Seems to me, it's the height of hipocracy.                  
                                                            
14507 CLINTON - IMPEACH              MrMalo                   



Impeachment's a GOP ruse;                                   
It's causing the public to snooze.                          
If every past Pres                                          
Were thus stalked, I can't guess,                           
In the fallout, how many we'd lose.                         
                                                            
14508 CLINTON - IMPEACH              K R Swift          TP9901



How did we deserve Mr. Hyde?                                
I ask you, all joking aside...                              
That fat mincing twit                                       
And base hypocrite,                                         
Excreting his humbug with pride.                            
                                                            
14509 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Tutta Gioia              



Hyde -- hypocrite, politician --                            
Went off on this critical mission,                          
To dig up more slime                                        
On what's not worth a dime.                                 
It's a plot of the Christian Coalition.                     
                                                            
14510 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Karen                    



An Arkansas Clinton named Bill                              
Was re-elected by popular swill.                            
"Looks like he squeaked in,"                                
Said Bob Dole with a grin,                                  
"But impeach him by mid-term, we will!"                     
                                                            
14511 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton is a big fat slob;                                  
He's in danger of losing his job.                           
Thanks to Lewinsky and Starr,                               
His job can't go far,                                       
And we now know the size of his knob.                       
                                                            
14512 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Danny                    



It is wrong what the RIGHT's tried to do,                   
But the LEFT abused Article Two;                            
Four, Six, Nine, and Ten                                    
By the Liberal den                                          
Have had a most liberal screw.                              
                                                            
14513 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



A Senator's vote to acquit                                  
Is a curious statement, to wit:                             
I affirm wrong is right,                                    
And I swear black is white,                                 
And to lie under oat is legit!                              
                                                            
14514 CLINTON - IMPEACH              George Maschke           



Soon the law schools shall teach                            
Lawyers to have process reach.                              
Candidates not elected                                      
In case not selected                                        
So they make evidence to impeach.                           
                                                            
14515 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



If you please, let us drop the pretense                     
('Cause your reasoning just makes no sense);                
I don't mean to berate,                                     
But if Bill lies so great,                                  
From when come the House malcontents?                       
                                                            
14516 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Mike                     



Bill, please watch what your dick's in,                     
With wrong gals you sure have been mixin' --                
Now Congress is moaning,                                    
And you'll be atoning;                                      
Impeachment is what they are fixin'.                        
                                                            
14517 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Tim Thompson             



Monica thought Bill was quite dashing,                      
But lately he's been taking a bashing.                      
He'll say without fear,                                     
"Impeachment's severe --                                    
But I deserve a good tongue lashing."                       
                                                            
14518 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Kaylin Brandon           



You Dems should be calming your fears;                      
Greet impeachment of Clinton with cheers!                   
A "Yea" vote on the floor                                   
Just might put Al Gore                                      
In power for nearly ten years.                              
                                                            
14519 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



If Clinton's to be tried for a crime                        
And in disgrace made to do time,                            
Before he's locked in,                                      
Let those pure of sin,                                      
Sit judgement, not those full of grime.                     
                                                            
14520 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



When the toothpaste gets out of the tube,                   
It was Haldeman, who was so shrewd                          
To observe years ago,                                       
In another side show,                                       
You can't get it back in the tube.                          
                                                            
14521 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



I had a nightmare weeks ago.                                
In the White House, Bill was to throw                       
Himself on the knife,                                       
Causing great strife.                                       
I woke up in tears, crying "NO!"                            
                                                            
14522 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Karen                    



There once was a Pres named Slick Willie                    
Who came from a state of hillbillies.                       
He made quite a reach,                                      
And wound up impeached                                      
Over an intern that acted silly.                            
                                                            
14523 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



A slick politician named Clinton,                           
Said, "Of all my sins, I'm repentin'.                       
Don't intend to resign,                                     
But decision's not mine.                                    
We don't own the house, we're just rentin'."                
                                                            
14524 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jumpin Jack              



I know that you have been pining                            
For impeachment. I could tell by your whining.              
But if Bill is such scum,                                   
Then tell me how come                                       
The Republicans all are resigning.                          
(December 1998)                                             
14525 CLINTON - IMPEACH              MrMalo                   



Well that's why this things being tried;                    
She claims what he has denied.                              
He could go to jail                                         
For squeezing her tail;                                     
I bet that fills the senate with pride.                     
                                                            
14526 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Hyde,                         
Who slept with a lass not his bride.                        
"I confess it's the truth;                                  
'Twas the folly of youth!                                   
I was but forty-something," he cried.                       
                                                            
14527 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Donna lee Dom            



Bill, you are buried in shit,                               
But most of us don't want you to quit.                      
Just show us some shame,                                    
Restore pride to your name,                                 
There's some stuff that you have to admit.                  
                                                            
14528 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Jim Weaver Collection    



The Senate's redundant and rigid;                           
The cost now approaches six digits.                         
It's all such a bore;                                       
Do we have to have more?                                    
Temps no longer fugits, it fidgits!                         
                                                            
14529 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Island Singer      TP9901



If Clinton is shown to the door,                            
There'll be pestilence, famine, and war!                    
And chaos will reign                                        
So shall havoc maintain,                                    
If Bill Clinton's replaced by Al Gore!                      
                                                            
14530 CLINTON - IMPEACH              George Maschke           



I scoffed, as did most, at the few                          
Who spoke after Fall, 92,                                   
And cried out, "Impeach!"...                                
Bill seemed out of reach;                                   
I thought it was hopeless, that's true.                     
                                                            
14531 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



He seemed to possess a slick coating                        
Unaffected by lawsuits or voting.                           
The truth, if you will,                                     
Slid right off of Bill,                                     
'Midst Cuban cigars and smug gloating.                      
                                                            
14532 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



Slick Willie, I though, was too slick                       
For any indictment to stick,                                
But stray DNA                                               
Was brought into play --                                    
The truth came from Clinton's own prick!                    
                                                            
14533 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John MIller              



So finally that Teflon's been breached.                     
He who though that he couldn't be reached                   
And scoffed at the law                                      
Has been trapped by his flaw.                               
This liar has now been impeached.                           
                                                            
14534 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



The perjury I carefully detail,                             
Is in essence a very strange tale.                          
"He touched me there."                                      
By definition unfair                                        
And thus a President I derail.                              
                                                            
14535 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



"The Impeachment" has moved to the Senate,                  
And Clinton still thinks he can win it.                     
But Trent Lott wants to see                                 
Inside Monica's "V"                                         
To check if Bill's cock is still in it.                     
                                                            
14536 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Knott Wright       TP9901



Now some say that I've overreached,                         
That the law of the land has been breached.                 
But there's no denying                                      
That others are dying                                       
To save me from being impeached!                            
                                                            
14537 CLINTON - IMPEACH              George Maschke           



The President's sin and its wages                           
Will be judged by Congressional sages.                      
But let us compose                                          
The jury of those,                                          
Who never got blowjobs from pages!                          
                                                            
14538 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



...If so, then that most august forum                       
Quite likely won't muster a quorum.                         
The question at large is                                    
What to do with the charges?                                
It's safest to simply ignore 'em.                           
                                                            
14539 CLINTON - IMPEACH                                       



With U.S. in its present state,                             
Starr does President CRIMINATE.                             
We'll just wait and see                                     
What results may be;                                        
Will impeachment be Willy's fate?                           
                                                            
14540 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Chris Papa               



A reporter by the name of Beauchamp                         
Asked a New Yorker to teach him                             
Or at least give a hint on                                  
Old W. Clinton,                                             
And why the Senate tried to impeach him.                    
                                                            
14541 CLINTON - IMPEACH              Gerald Bosacker (?)      



The House should impeach him with ease;                     
The trial in the Senate's a breeze.                         
Or would it be fine                                         
If he'd simply resign.                                      
(Too bad that he's not Japanese.)                           
(Seppuku implied I think - McW)                             
14542 CLINTON - IMPEACH              John Miller              



Ken Starr, you're really a maven;                           
You should be seeking safe haven.                           
Here come those bad cats,                                   
All of them Democrats,                                      
And their yowl is "Bill ain't misbehavin'."                 
                                                            
14543 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Larry M                  



Bessie and I have gone far;                                 
We really can't say where we are.                           
But sources say                                             
For a fee of hay,                                           
She testified for Kenneth Starr.                            
                                                            
14544 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Les Stewart              



Now Kenneth, he knew he'd been plied;                       
The accusations could not be denied.                        
When asked about jizz,                                      
He stumbled on "is";                                        
The miserable truth was Bill lied.                          
                                                            
14545 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



Starr gets closer; Bill's cronies will sing,                
So the Simpson defense he will bring.                       
Bill has made it an art;                                    
No, not OJ but Bart.                                        
No one saw me, you can't prove a thing.                     
                                                            
14546 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willy says, "No end in sight;                         
Ken Starr's out to get me, for spite.                       
This won't go away,                                         
Guess I'll call it a day,                                   
I think Chicken Little was right."                          
                                                            
14547 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Observer                 



If a one-r star shines in his sky,                          
Then Bill Clinton's a talkative guy.                        
If a two-r star shines                                      
Then the White House declines                               
To say what might have happened, and why!                   
                                                            
14548 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Prof M-G           TP9802



Starr sets him up for the sting,                            
Hoping old Billy will sing.                                 
All he gets is defiance                                     
As he'd tell his clients                                    
To do the exact same thing.                                 
                                                            
14549 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr,                    
All had a drink at the bar.                                 
After Lewinsky had six,                                     
She thought Ken's dick was a stick,                         
Pulled it off 'the tree'; threw it far.                     
                                                            
14550 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



Slick's China jaunt cost a gazillion.                       
I lied.  It was 45 million.                                 
Five more than Starr spent                                  
On lawyers and rent.                                        
Whose damn expense account's Willie on?                     
                                                            
14551 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Marsha Magee       TP9806



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr                     
Tried to take down the American Czar.                       
She swallowed his jizz;                                     
He argued 'bout "is";                                       
And they made the first penis a star!                       
                                                            
14552 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



After Bill led the polls to bag Dole,                       
TV just spun out of control.                                
Ms Tripp was a rat,                                         
Ms L A young brat,                                          
But Starr's boner was just his flagpole.                    
                                                            
14553 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



There once was a fellow named Starr,                        
Who fondled a Cuban cigar.                                  
But please don't be shocked;                                
The bedroom was locked.                                     
You know how Republicans are.                               
                                                            
14554 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Donna Lee Dom            



Why protect our poor dear, humble Bill?                     
If Starr doesn't get him, who will?                         
I think the poor slob                                       
Is just doing his job,                                      
And I hope he goes on for the kill.                         
                                                            
14555 CLINTON - KEN STARR            S C Saint                



With all of this hurdy-gurdy,                               
And Monica acting so flirty,                                
I don't know why                                            
Kenny won't let this die;                                   
Guess he just wants to hear her talk dirty.                 
                                                            
14556 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



Ken Starr has a songbird, Lewinsky,                         
Saying she and the Pres did screwinski.                     
She's got proof of her tryst                                
In her tight little fist;                                   
Now Hillary buying plans from Kacaynski.                    
                                                            
14557 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Tom Simon                



The probe by Ken Starr will be ending.                      
Indictments for some folks are pending.                     
Like it or not,                                             
Some big fish were caught.                                  
More than one will need big-time defending.                 
                                                            
14558 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Jim Weaver Collection    



After Buddy was hit by a car,                               
The Dittoheads called to Ken Starr                          
For an investigation                                        
Of leash violation,                                         
Or anything else, with no bar.                              
                                                            
14559 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Dr Limerick  01-03-02    



Seems Kenny has one little hitch;                           
Bill denies it without a twitch.                            
He then smiles with ease,                                   
But Kens on his knees.                                      
Could it be that she's one crazy bitch?                     
                                                            
14560 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



What belongs on the nation's agenda                         
Is closure for Starr, the big spenda.                       
Make his job obsolete,                                      
Throw him out on the street,                                
His porn wallow he'll never surrenda.                       
                                                            
14561 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



I'm Clinton, the Chief that you hail;                       
So far I have stayed out of jail.                           
Ken Starr is a jerk                                         
Who failed in his work --                                   
The LEAST of my sins is young quail!                        
                                                            
14562 CLINTON - KEN STARR            John Miller              



A lawyerly voyeur named Starr                               
Pursued country matters too far.                            
Serving subpoenae                                           
On the president's weenie,                                  
Then letting it leak on Bill Maher.                         
(Bill Maher has a talk show on TV)                          
14563 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



The jury heard Starr and would spurn him;                   
Bill's freedom, their verdict could earn him.               
But the judge overruled,                                    
He was quite highly schooled,                               
And the judge replied, "Fuck it!  Let's burn him!"          
                                                            
14564 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Squeaky            TP9807



Ken Starr has campaigned against smut;                      
His case is quite open and shut.                            
He claims to despise it                                     
And loudly decries it,                                      
And can't think of anything but.                            
                                                            
14565 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



He's claiming the president sinned                          
And hoping to have him skinned.                             
But if she never talks                                      
And old Billy boy walks,                                    
Then Kenny boy's dick's in the wind.                        
                                                            
14566 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



Did Mr. Starr take a leak                                   
On Monica's dress or just peek?                             
If pot and kettle are black,                                
Starr should now get the sack.                              
Private coercion we do not seek.                            
                                                            
14567 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Joe Jester               



Does ANYONE mourn for that law?                             
It suffered from many a flaw.                               
Now a nice firing squad                                     
Or a swift act of God,                                      
Could've stopped all that nonsense we saw.                  
                                                            
14568 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



Political debate, I'll eshew,                               
At least until quaffing a few.                              
I don't give a fig                                          
About Bill, and that prig                                   
Ken Starr, who still ain't got a clue.                      
                                                            
14569 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Irish                    



Well, I'll do that, but just out of deference.              
I suppose that you think that your reference                
To Starr has me pissed?                                     
Hell, he won't be missed!                                   
A WINNER would've been my strong preference!                
                                                            
14570 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



"Starr-crossed lover", I like that.                         
Yes, the fire is close to Bill's fat.                       
He may be a hillbilly,                                      
But he's still Slick Willie                                 
And he still has one more turn at bat.                      
                                                            
14571 CLINTON - KEN STARR            S C Saint                



I heard of a man named Bill;                                
He lives near the Capital Hill.                             
He whipped it out;                                          
Heard interns shout.                                        
Now Starr is out for the kill.                              
                                                            
14572 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Barticus           TP9807



Ken Starr went hunting for scandal:                         
Every Savings and Loan he would handle!                     
But in losing his aims,                                     
Was diverted by dames                                       
And became Pat Robertson's pet vandal!                      
                                                            
14573 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Amador                   



Krinkle krinkle, little Starr;                              
How we wonder what you are.                                 
Way above the rest, I guess.                                
Looking, looking for a dress.                               
Picky picky, you've gone too far.                           
                                                            
14574 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Joe Jester               



There once was a man from Dakar,                            
Who could piss nearly three times as far                    
As the average dope.                                        
But to piss up a rope,                                      
No way could he beat Kenneth Starr.                         
                                                            
14575 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Jim Weaver Collection    



They're talking now, all of Bill's ringers,                 
And Ken Starr's hearing some of the zingers.                
They try plugging the dike;                                 
What they see they don't like;                              
The Clinton's don't have enough fingers.                    
                                                            
14576 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Jim Weaver Collection    



Ken Starr will soon open the doors                          
For professional prosecutors.                               
The questions around town                                   
Are "What's going down?"                                    
And "Will they cut straight to the core?"                   
                                                            
14577 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr                     
All met for drinks in Joe's Bar.                            
"Ken," Monica said,                                         
"You take Bill to bed.                                      
Linda can record from the car."                             
                                                            
14578 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



Mr. Starr, put away your trump card,                        
Or next time I'll bet it's played hard                      
By the liberal left,                                        
On a Republican of heft,                                    
To horrify many more than this bard.                        
                                                            
14579 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Ken Starr with a tear in his eye,                      
Forty mill spent on much SCHWARMEREI                        
About a bared thong,                                        
And private acts wrong,                                     
And still in the polls he rides high.                       
                                                            
14580 CLINTON - KEN STARR            J'Carlin                 



Says Starr, "We need proof to win!                          
There's some left after every sin.                          
Subpoena the toilet!                                        
Quick or he'll boil it!"                                    
Go get 'em Ken; stick your nose in!                         
                                                            
14581 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



"It's a serious case of depravity,"                         
Said Starr to old Clinton with gravity.                     
"Your dick was too small;                                   
She'd not feel it at all;                                   
You're charged with not filling her cavity!"                
                                                            
14582 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Peter W                  



Encrusted dried sperm lines the box                         
(Excretions from Starr sniffing frocks)                     
Of a statute insidious                                      
Put to uses invidious,                                      
Which oozed toxic pus like the pox.                         
                                                            
14583 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



There once was a man named Starr                            
Who lusted for power afar.                                  
When accounting expenses                                    
He offended our senses,                                     
And we could only go "Arrrr."                               
                                                            
14584 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



Now Starr wants to up the score;                            
"We just will discuss it no more.                           
The charge will be savage.                                  
But with her batting average,                               
I'm sure she's played hardball before."                     
                                                            
14585 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



"I'll admit," said a fellow named Starr,                    
"That a phallus is like a cigar;                            
But to lie to the nation,                                   
And deny penetration,                                       
Is stretching the truth just too far."                      
                                                            
14586 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Bob Birch           P9811



Bill Jefferson Clinton must feel                            
He has been through a painful ordeal;                       
Not only has Starr                                          
Asked about a cigar --                                      
Now Buddy and Socks plan to squeal.                         
                                                            
14587 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Norm Storer              



Had the issue from vertical dance                           
Fallen elsewhere in oval room trance,                       
The stain now on tweed,                                     
The headlines would read,                                   
KEN STARR SUBPOENAED MY PANTS!                              
                                                            
14588 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Joseph Palmer            



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr                     
Took samples of Bill in a jar                               
An easier job                                               
Then slobbing his knob                                      
Because she swallowed all evidence so far!                  
                                                            
14589 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



Poor Willie is feeling such pain                            
Mea Culpas, again and again.                                
'Tis only 'cause Starr                                      
Has feathers and tar,                                       
To be used on the Internet plane!                           
                                                            
14590 CLINTON - KEN STARR                                     



An independent counsel named Starr                          
Was arrested for going too far.                             
He was searching for sin                                    
From without and within,                                    
And calling for feathers and tar.                           
                                                            
14591 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Brian                    



Ken Starr is searching for "Big Lie".                       
He's forcing Clinton to testify.                            
It's a serious task;                                        
For sure Starr will ask,                                    
"Tell us, did she taste like apple pie?"                    
                                                            
14592 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Jennifer Morales         



I think Ken Starr can get a writ                            
Of labius corpus, to wit:                                   
Let fall the chips                                          
And bring us the lips;                                      
We'd like a sample of spit.                                 
                                                            
14593 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



Thought Starr had a case, but he mustn't.                   
Thought Starr was smart, but he wasn't.                     
Thirty million bucks                                        
To find out who Bill fucks?                                 
It's cheaper to find out who doesn't.                       
                                                            
14594 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



He was sick of being kept in suspense                       
And tiring of all the pretense.                             
So Starr got real huffy                                     
When he saw her cheeks puffy,                               
And said, "You withheld evidence!"                          
                                                            
14595 CLINTON - KEN STARR            OgniGioia                



Ken's poking his head through the doors                     
To ferret out all Billy's whores.                           
Subpoenas are flying                                        
And who's next testifying?                                  
The woman who washes the floors?                            
                                                            
14596 CLINTON - KEN STARR            MrMalo                   



If Ken Starr can prove Clinton's a spawner,                 
Then the President's surely a goner.                        
But did Kenneth neglect                                     
To show proper respect,                                     
By addressing the man as "You're on her."                   
                                                            
14597 CLINTON - KEN STARR            Larry Hollister          



Look at that asshole, Ken Starr;                            
This time he went way too far.                              
There may be a dress                                        
That should go to the press,                                
But those stains were not White Wa-tar.                     
                                                            
14598 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED M David Tilson           



In Starr's zeal to calumniate                               
And warp every small tete-a-tete,                           
His credibility will wane;                                  
He'll feel sympathy pain                                    
When he gets the fickle finger of fate.                     
(calumniate - denigrate and slander a public official)      
14599 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED S C Saint                



An idea that comes from Bill's staff;                       
It has merit; please do not laugh.                          
It's truly inspired.                                        
Let's get Ken Starr fired;                                  
We'd be cutting the crime rate in half!                     
                                                            
14600 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED Jim Weaver Collection    



Mean-spirited old Kenneth Starr                             
Now gleefully lights his cigar --                           
Now he is gloating                                          
From all the Deep Throating --                              
But I think he's gone much too far...                       
                                                            
14601 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED CB                  T9801



Bill Clinton's no saint, I am sure,                         
But this witch hunt is so much manure.                      
He just dipped his wick                                     
In the mouth of a chick...                                  
Ken Starr is just jealous...the boor.                       
                                                            
14602 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED Terry Lynn               



It's no matter if we like old Bill,                         
But we also have had our fill.                              
I think Starr should be barred                              
And feathered and tarred                                    
Before dredging more grist for the mill.                    
                                                            
14603 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED S C Saint                



To you he looks like battler;                               
To me he's a snake, not a rattler;                          
Not king snake nor coral;                                   
But a righteously moral                                     
Rednecked yellow-backed tattler.                            
                                                            
14604 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED MrMalo                   



Mr Starr, just listen to this;                              
Not to say so would make me remiss.                         
You should start in the shower                              
To recover your power,                                      
And I hope that you drown in your piss.                     
                                                            
14605 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow named Starr with few glitches,                     
Becoming a judge with big britches,                         
Stood straight and stood tall,                              
Respected by all,                                           
But gave it all up to hunt witches.                         
                                                            
14606 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED Cybergeezer              



To our Chief of Inquisitors, Starr,                         
(Exceeds Torquemada by far)                                 
I sent some stained briefs                                  
Addressed "Sniffer-in Chief's,                              
G.O.P. Mercenary Bazaar."                                   
                                                            
14607 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED                          



I see you still call Starr "judge";                         
What a prick!  He's an ass with a grudge.                   
From the way that it looks                                  
In the History books,                                       
Mister Starr will go down as a smudge.                      
                                                            
14608 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED MrMalo                   



Kenny don't know where it's at;                             
Like an asshole, he's chasing his hat.                      
He sets up a sting                                          
To make Monica sing?                                        
She has much better talents than that!                      
                                                            
14609 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED MrMalo                   



I couldn't care less who's Bill fucking,                    
Or who he persuades to keep sucking.                        
If the country's alright,                                   
We're not in any plight;                                    
Muzzle Starr and his unholy clucking.                       
                                                            
14610 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED S C Saint                



Let look back on those things just a bit;                   
It shows that he's man of wit.                              
Much smarter by far                                         
Than that dickhead Starr,                                   
Who don't know not to step in shit!                         
                                                            
14611 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED MrMalo                   



"Harsh comments? Well, hell, I expect 'em.                  
Insults and jokes? I collect 'em.                           
Since Starr, that buttinski                                 
Latched on to Lewinsky,                                     
I'm getting it straight up the rectum."                     
                                                            
14612 CLINTON - KEN STARR - DISLIKED                          



We seem to have too many haters;                            
I wish they were just masturbaters.                         
Their observations are dull.                                
Their wit is plain null;                                    
Starr's report to the incinerators.                         
                                                            
14613 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Joe                      



Asked if I'd found the Starr Report groovy,                 
I said, "No, but that voyeur's a smoothy.                   
Completely audacious,                                       
Distasteful, salacious,                                     
But I just cannot wait for the movie."                      
                                                            
14614 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



The Starr Report makes your blood freeze,                   
Waving graphic behaviors in the breeze.                     
No detail do they skimp,                                    
Between Clinton and the blimp.                              
Now the Presidencey is on it's knees.                       
                                                            
14615 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Frank Petersohn          



The Starr Report is a tell-all.                             
The media is having a ball.                                 
We'd like to be rid                                         
Of the old Come-back Kid                                    
Who does his best work 'gainst a wall.                      
                                                            
14616 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Frank Petersohn          



Bill wallowed in old Foggy Bottom                           
With a gal named Hillary Rodham.                            
But Ken the attorney,                                       
Cut short their journey                                     
When he said, "By George, we got 'em."                      
                                                            
14617 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Popsicle           TP9807



So we all read the report from Starr,                       
Saying Clinton went a bit far.                              
You silly old bloke,                                        
Don't you know that you smoke --                            
After not during -- the cigar.                              
                                                            
14618 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Misty Dragon             



While the Clintons may claim it's incitement,               
Ken Starr will soon cause much excitement.                  
Like the soldier of old                                     
In the morning, he's bold...                                
He so much loves the smell of indictment.                   
                                                            
14619 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Jim Weaver Collection    



Not once does the Starr report find                         
Him guilty of sex; are you blind?                           
Lying: 1-2-3-4,                                             
Obstruction: five more,                                     
Two others of some other kind.                              
                                                            
14620 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   John Miller              



Perhaps Ken has gotten some proof                           
That he managed to stall all aloof.                         
Did Ken make those attacks                                  
Without all the facts?                                      
If he did, it's one hell of a goof!                         
                                                            
14621 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   MrMalo                   



The Starr report leaves us all reeling,                     
With its juicy details so appealing.                        
Will Monica write a book,                                   
So we'll have another look?                                 
Afraid so, I've got a sinking feeling.                      
                                                            
14622 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Frank Petersohn          



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr                     
Should be hung, all for going too far.                      
Miss Tripp screwed her friend,                              
And forsooth, in the end,                                   
Ken and Monica paint us with tar.                           
                                                            
14623 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   K R Swift                



Starr's Report was more silly than complex                  
(And killed privacy, balance and checks).                   
After all that had leaked,                                  
We felt sorry we peeked,                                    
And besides t'was not even great sex!                       
                                                            
14624 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT                            



I'll read the report, an all-nighter.                       
My mood will not be getting lighter.                        
Allegations untrue?                                         
I'll leave it to you,                                       
But Starr is a bad romance writer.                          
                                                            
14625 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Frank Fazed              



Tried to download the Ken Starr report,                     
But my wife wouldn't lend her support.                      
She told me with scorn,                                     
"If you must download porn,                                 
Then I'll laugh when they haul you to court!"               
                                                            
14626 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   John Miller              



Monica Lewinsky and Bill                                    
Had sexual encounters until                                 
Along came Ken Starr,                                       
Who searched near and far,                                  
Then made his report to the hill.                           
                                                            
14627 CLINTON - KEN STARR - REPORT   Gifford Wherry           



The blame should not fall on the sleuth                     
If the facts turn out cheap and uncouth.                    
Ken Starr can't be faulted                                  
If Bill feels assaulted.                                    
Sounds like Bill is afraid of the truth!                    
                                                            
14628 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



Mr. Starr's not the one to blame;                           
AGITPROP is just his chess game.                            
Unless get checks, mate,                                    
Then his poor neck's fate                                   
Is to be accused of the same.                               
                                                            
14629 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Darryl                   



Ken Starr said, "There's too much at stake.                 
A career change right now's a mistake.                      
So recork your champagne                                    
And let James off his chain.                                
"I'm staying for as long as it takes!"                      
                                                            
14630 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



The heat is now on Jim Guy Tucker                           
'Though he thought each Arkansan a sucker.                  
'Cause he's anxious to walk,                                
To Ken Starr he may talk;                                   
"Bend over -- I'm ready to pucker!"                         
                                                            
14631 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



Uncle Bob doesn't think much of Starr                       
And he thinks the probe's gone way too far.                 
But it's hard to escape                                     
All the stuff down on tape.                                 
Clinton's lifestyle is simply bizarre!                      
                                                            
14632 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from Peru,                            
Who would never let anyone screw.                           
She hated to fuck,                                          
But was eager to suck.                                      
Ken Starr wants to subpoena her too.                        
                                                            
14633 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   MrMalo                   



I wonder, has Ken Starr the pull?                           
Can he do it and that is no bull.                           
If he thinks she'll swallow,                                
A subpoena will follow;                                     
From what she says, she ought to be full.                   
                                                            
14634 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   MrMalo                   



The government's legal buttinsky,                           
Obsessed with a girl named Lewinsky,                        
Convinced her to squeal                                     
By making her feel                                          
As guilty as Teddy Kaczynski.                               
                                                            
14635 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Cybergeezer              



Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham                             
From Whitewater sank to the bottom;                         
They were slowly done in                                    
For unethical sin;                                          
'Twas Starr that finally got 'em.                           
                                                            
14636 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



On politics I've no agenda...                               
If Bill screws Annette and then Brenda.                     
Good luck to Ken Starr,                                     
Our ethical czar,                                           
In sniffing out straying pudenda.                           
                                                            
14637 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   OgniGioia                



Once again Clinton's out on a ledge                         
As Ken Starr's team continues to dredge                     
Up witnesses and facts                                      
About unlawful acts.                                        
The "First Fanny" hangs over the edge.                      
                                                            
14638 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



For decades a lawyer named Starr                            
Kept probing for muck wide and far.                         
He piled up the dirt                                        
Bought with dollars and hurt,                               
Yet couldn't fill up a fruit jar.                           
                                                            
14639 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Cyber Geezer             



Seven years of investigation,                               
Deposition and deputation,                                  
But all that they've got                                    
Is that he's hot-to-trot!                                   
No shit!  So's three-fourths of the nation!                 
                                                            
14640 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



Ken Starr in pursusit ASSIDUOUS,                            
Using tactics legal and insiduous,                          
Attempted to prove                                          
And thence to remove                                        
Bill, who he thought was invidious.                         
                                                            
14641 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   J'Carlin                 



Ken Starr is conducting a probe                             
Of interns all over the globe.                              
Democrats say, "Will you see                                
If you can find two or three                                
Whom Bill did not seek to disrobe?"                         
                                                            
14642 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Everett Parker     TP9804



Kenneth Starr has been serving subpoenas                    
To some gals who've encountered Bill's penis.               
They've revealed recollections                              
Of the Clinton erections,                                   
And the warnings to "keep it between us."                   
                                                            
14643 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton better think up something fast.                     
Starr is digging up girls from his past.                    
If the rumors are true,                                     
There will be quite a few.                                  
All together they'll make quite a cast!                     
                                                            
14644 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



The probe of White Water won't stop.                        
Starr's team will not let the thing drop.                   
They plan to persist                                        
And will follow each twist                                  
As the path wends its way to the top.                       
                                                            
14645 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



I really am tired of Ken Starr,                             
That idiot's gone way too far,                              
To imply and suggest                                        
That some fine oral sex                                     
Is just for teens in a car!                                 
                                                            
14646 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Wildman             P9803



When Ken Starr bids the Clintons farewell,                  
It will not put an end to their Hell.                       
Starr has gathered a crew                                   
To see White Water through,                                 
And they all have a good sense of smell.                    
                                                            
14647 CLINTON - KEN STARR - SEARCH   Jim Weaver Collection    



That investigation of Starr's a big mess;                   
Who's winning is hard to assess.                            
The team we implore,                                        
Can't quite even the score,                                 
And few know as much as the press.                          
                                                            
14648 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



Does Ken think he's Elliot Ness,                            
With the authority that he could express?                   
Do you think when Starr vents,                              
He can scare the defense?                                   
Hell, he acts like he's wearing a dress.                    
                                                            
14649 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



His performance does hardly impress,                        
Those who think that the girl did undress.                  
Did Bill try to deceive her?                                
Few seem to believe her.                                    
But why would she say it? No less.                          
                                                            
14650 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



This whole effort could use some largess,                   
Any info would help him, I guess.                           
From Bill's liking of girls,                                
To the lives he unfurls,                                    
But, I doubt Starr does this much possess.                  
                                                            
14651 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



For the investigation to progress,                          
He should show some unselfishness.                          
Stop his verbal attacks,                                    
And the leaking of facts,                                   
'Cause he'll lose when defense smells duress.               
                                                            
14652 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



So it's onward prosecutors will press;                      
These guys won't be happy with less,                        
Than to please the Grand Jury,                              
With their side of the story.                               
Any win for new careers to caress.                          
                                                            
14653 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



But the whole thing has begun to regress;                   
Starr should admit that he's lost it, unless,               
The evidentiary phase,                                      
Starts to garner him praise,                                
Overruling Clinton's move to suppress.                      
                                                            
14654 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



Reminiscent of a game of chess,                             
Pretty much, but it causes more stress.                     
How long can we bear?                                       
To continue's not fair.                                     
Calling off all the dogs, we would bless.                   
                                                            
14655 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



But alas, even Starr must confess,                          
Sooner or later, he's got to address,                       
That his image ain't funny,                                 
Wasting taxpayers money.                                    
My vote to end it is...YES!                                 
                                                            
14656 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Squeaky            TP9806



Pontius Pilate came under attack;                           
Kenneth Starr's on a parallel track.                        
Then the public outcry                                      
Was a loud "Crucify!"                                       
Now it's "Why not get off his back!"                        
                                                            
14657 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  John Miller 0295         



That comparison is not fair nor fitting;                    
Starr has backing for what he is getting,                   
By those rabids who care                                    
Who fucks who, when, and where.                             
I wonder just who's benefitting.                            
                                                            
14658 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  S C Saint                



Slick Willie is far less to blame                           
Than Starr, who is seeking his fame.                        
The cost of the show,                                       
At ten mill per blow,                                       
Is clearly the crime we should flame.                       
                                                            
14659 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  H WHELCHEL               



From that kind of thinking it's clear                       
You'd have felons with nothing to fear.                     
It costs lots of dough                                      
To try them, you know.                                      
(Starr's costing you less than a beer)                      
                                                            
14660 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  John Miller              



To you this may come as a shock                             
But you've got to poke under the rock                       
In order to know                                            
'Bout the vermin below...                                   
(There's more crooked to Bill than his cock)                
                                                            
14661 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  John Miller              



Too much of a good thing can do                             
Such a terrible thing to you --                             
Too much titillation;                                       
Premature ejaculation --                                    
The evidence is there on your shoe!                         
                                                            
14662 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Kaylin                   



Ken Starr still has been found                              
Looking for evidence all around.                            
If you run for office,                                      
He'll ask if you boff us;                                   
Us girls must all go underground!                           
                                                            
14663 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Peter Wilkins            



He does look for jizz in strange places --                  
On girls collars, and on their faces!                       
I don't know what he'd do                                   
If he sees your shoe --                                     
Clean it good! Don't leave any traces!                      
                                                            
14664 CLINTON - KEN STARR - ZSERIES  Peter Wilkins            



My vocabulary is getting spacious;                          
I can say suborn and salacious.                             
I'm speaking Clinton-ese                                    
(A form of legalese)                                        
Because Bill found Monica bodacious!                        
                                                            
14665 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Sumerman                 



Unbuckling her knee pads, Miss Monica                       
Went to Jordan for counsel at Hanukkah.                     
He advised, "Get a grip                                     
On that bitch Linda Tripp,                                  
Before she gives Bubba boobonica!                           
                                                            
14666 CLINTON - LEWINSKY                                      



Billy Beer and Bill's semen are drinks,                     
And it's all in the way that one thinks.                    
One comes in a can;                                         
One comes from a man;                                       
But both of them are made by dinks.                         
                                                            
14667 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Spuddie                  



Of the reasons for gifts, we're advised:                    
She is Jewish, Bill Clinton surmised.                       
So he purchased this Monica                                 
Some nice things for Hanuka,                                
And of course, proved he was circumcised.                   
                                                            
14668 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             David Finley             



We thought "didn't inhale" as quite hollow                  
But what chutzpah he's got now to follow.                   
His dissembling's overt                                     
With, "I didn't insert" --                                  
Another cock and Bill story, to swallow!                    
                                                            
14669 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             FCA                 P9803



Descriptive moniker, COGNOMEN,                              
Like that of Frosty for snowmen,                            
Or poet Pinsky,                                             
Or even Lewinsky,                                           
Theough the latter is not a good omen.                      
                                                            
14670 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Daniel Ford              



Clinton's well-liked and quite hip,                         
But he'd have from the Nation one tip.                      
When young interns get                                      
Their parts soft and wet,                                   
He must keep control of his zip!                            
                                                            
14671 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jayne                    



Oh please; not that Monica who                              
Is still chewing the president's goo.                       
I've no wish to get stuck                                   
Into Clinton's old muck;                                    
I'd prefer to fuck creatures that moo.                      
                                                            
14672 CLINTON - LEWINSKY                                      



Miss Lewinsky received full immunity;                       
She can tell what she knows with impunity.                  
The deal that was struck                                    
May bode ill for der schmuck,                               
And create party ire and disunity.                          
                                                            
14673 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
He'd throw his old quill-pen away.                          
He'd write limericks on-line,                               
Of dubious rhyme                                            
'Bout Lewinsky's future dental decay.                       
                                                            
14674 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Deep Goat                



Said Bill, "I've committed no crime.                        
It's all my old pals doing time!                            
And if I confess                                            
The Monica mess,                                            
You're screwed; I'll just do it in mime!"                   
                                                            
14675 CLINTON - LEWINSKY                                      



Thank you, I should have been nicer,                        
But this sex scandal's really a spicer.                     
I'm feeling quite torn                                      
Over all of the scorn,                                      
Deserved by both Bill and enticer.                          
                                                            
14676 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton has loudly asserted                                 
That though with Lewinsky he flirted,                       
Just like the tale                                          
That he didn't inhale,                                      
He erected, but never inserted.                             
                                                            
14677 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Gwyn Clark          P9812



EROTOMANIA, 'tis often said,                                
Will end with a consequence dread,                          
Now story is blown,                                         
And Monica flown,                                           
Poor Willy is losing his head!                              
                                                            
14678 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Chris Papa               



There once was a gal named Lewinsky                         
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.                      
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"                                   
On this flute made of beef                                  
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.                   
                                                            
14679 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Bill Ward                



We once had a Prez called Slick Willie;                     
As Chief Exec he was a dilly.                               
He raised his right hand,                                   
And swore on the stand                                      
That Monica hadn't gilded his lily.                         
                                                            
14680 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Thomas Ratliff      P0304



For an intern she's a hell of a girl.                       
Bill told her, "It's only a whirl,                          
And I'll never confess,                                     
To this whole nasty mess,                                   
If ever your lips do unfurl."                               
                                                            
14681 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



If they make Miss Lewinsky confess                          
That a navy blue, souvenir dress                            
For Bill clinton she wore...                                
Then Vice President Gore                                    
May quite soon be COMPLETELY vice-less.                     
                                                            
14682 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Prof M-G            T9801



The deep-throated gal from L.A.                             
Said, "I don't want the Pres to pay."                       
She just wanted more,                                       
But Bill's pecker got sore;                                 
So he gently just sent her away.                            
                                                            
14683 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Harold                   



"Enough!" said the lawyer of Lewinsky,                      
"You media are one big buttinski.                           
Leave my client alone                                       
Or get letters at home                                      
From her new press agent, Kaczynsky!"                       
                                                            
14684 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Rob Walworth             



They quietly showed Monica the door,                        
And said "You shall come here no more.                      
Old Willy's too slick                                       
To let you suck his dick,                                   
Who needs you when he's got Al Gore?"                       
                                                            
14685 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             MrMalo                   



Bill said that he wouldn't be squirtin',                    
Till of Monica he was more certain.                         
But now the world knows,                                    
How he comes and he goes,                                   
And his presidency sure is hurtin'.                         
                                                            
14686 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Tim Thompson             



There was a young girl called Lewinsky,                     
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski.                       
When on Kenneth Starr's lap                                 
She confided, when trapped,                                 
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky."                       
                                                            
14687 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Robertson & Pacenti      



Clinton's lawyers -- R. Bennet & Co.                        
Declare, "We'll immediately tro.                            
Charge that concerns                                        
Having sex with interns,                                    
With proof that he never did ho."                           
                                                            
14688 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             FCA                 P9803



Future kids will read only what's written                   
And the public has a habit of forgettin'.                   
Just a small footnote,                                      
Not about her deep throat;                                  
The same thing has happened in Britain.                     
                                                            
14689 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



Mr. Clinton, at least, to this date,                        
Is the captain of our ship of state.                        
Since Monique, said Ms Tripp,                               
Went down with the ship,                                    
'Twould've been safer to just master debate.                
                                                            
14690 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Steevo                   



When asked about details salacious,                         
Bill tells us why Monica's fellatious.                      
Her asshole is such                                         
That the sides never touch,                                 
And her pussy is even more spacious.                        
                                                            
14691 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             MrMalo                   



My name is Ms Lewinsky.                                     
Mr Starr, you're a buttinsky.                               
I gave the president head;                                  
So what, he wasn't dead.                                    
Leave me be, leave me be, leave me be.                      
                                                            
14692 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Sam                      



A certain young woman named Monica                          
Says the Prez was really quite fond of her.                 
She'll forever be linked                                    
With Bill Clinton's dink,                                   
As much as menorahs with Hanukkah.                          
                                                            
14693 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Possum              P9803



So Monica's going to rat,                                   
Like the proverbial spoiled little brat.                    
They'll turn Carville loose                                 
And he'll cook her goose.                                   
Then she'll look like something you shat.                   
                                                            
14694 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Puff Adder               



Monica has lost weight, and how!                            
She looks less like a Holstein cow.                         
The secret to lost pounds                                   
Is not out of bounds.                                       
She's putting less in her mouth, now.                       
                                                            
14695 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Anon                     



Mr. Clinton's a hardworking guy,                            
But he paused when Lewinsky came by,                        
Saying, "Please give me more of this                        
Sweet Oval Orifice --                                       
Won't you eat lunch 'on the fly'?"                          
                                                            
14696 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Stargazer           P9803



She's a wily young thing, there's no doubt;                 
Says the Prez gave her plenty of clout.                     
As an intern, while hugging,                                
And later on bugging,                                       
Conversations that made Hillary pout!                       
                                                            
14697 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Ystap               T9801



Monica tells all to the press,                              
What Bill did is still just a guess.                        
But we'll all soon find out                                 
What the Pres is about                                      
To do, to bail out of this mess!                            
                                                            
14698 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Ystap               T9801



There is a president named Bill,                            
With a liberal wife named Hill.                             
She will not bake a cookie,                                 
And will give him no nookie,                                
But he knows that Monica will.                              
                                                            
14699 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Monica, feeling quite chipper,                         
As she undid the President's zipper,                        
"Well, it seems pretty clear                                
That what we have here                                      
Is a lot more that Al feeds to Tipper.                      
                                                            
14700 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Schaefer        P9803



"It's backwards!" the alien said, puzzled.                  
"On my world, the intern would be guzzled.                  
Here the intern's the eater --                              
But only his peter --                                       
And it's critics the public wants muzzled!"                 
                                                            
14701 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             John Miller              



Lewinsky's not looking too glum,                            
'Cause she's put in an order for some                       
Of the out-takes                                            
Of the imprints she makes.                                  
She says, "Someday my prints will come."                    
                                                            
14702 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Irish                    



Pain in the ass was the sentiment,                          
Without a Monica condiment,                                 
But I'd have preferred                                      
Word use were demurred,                                     
In favor of euphemistiment.                                 
                                                            
14703 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Daniel Ford              



We all know Kaczynski is nuts,                              
But Lewinsky is Queen of the Sluts.                         
Her slightest mention                                       
Gets the press's attention,                                 
Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.                          
                                                            
14704 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Frank Petersohn          



Monica, as good as you get,                                 
At least did not wear a LABRET,                             
Or Willy'd be sore,                                         
As she knelt on the floor,                                  
And etched tender tool there, you bet!                      
                                                            
14705 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Chris Papa               



Through his door I heard a loud groan,                      
While Monica was down on his bone.                          
It just makes me sick;                                      
My intern won't suck MY dick;                               
He won't even answer the phone!                             
                                                            
14706 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh, Bill, please say it's not true,                         
This stuff about you and Ms. Lew.                           
"My peenie is bent,                                         
Instead of coming, I went.                                  
You can't even call that a screw."                          
                                                            
14707 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             M David Tilson           



Being Prez is one hell of a prize,                          
So don't be too hard on these guys.                         
With four years to wait                                     
The loser will hate,                                        
Not hearing sweet Monica's sighs.                           
                                                            
14708 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Frank                    



The definition of sex you can see                           
Is why Clinton is copping a plea.                           
"My lawyers concur                                          
I had no sex with her,                                      
While Monica had sex with me."                              
                                                            
14709 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Thomas M Patton     P9901



By his wife, for much blithery flack,                       
Bill's bottom was spanked at the back,                      
And told, "Don't trust a girl                               
With big hair in a curl,                                    
And kneepads and a tongue slithery!" - WHACK!               
                                                            
14710 CLINTON - LEWINSKY                                      



There once was a young man from Hope,                       
Who didn't inhale on his dope.                              
But Monica Lewinsky,                                        
She made him feel frisky,                                   
But now he does nothing but mope.                           
                                                            
14711 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Gordon D Duffus          



The president proved he could gauge                         
The moment to strike out in rage.                           
His "Wag the Dog" spin's key                                
To pushing Lewinsky                                         
Right off of our nation's front page.                       
                                                            
14712 CLINTON - LEWINSKY                                      



Little Monica Lewinsky                                      
Got a dribble or two on her chinsky.                        
Now Bill's in hot water                                     
As quite well he oughter,                                   
For giving her the old out and insky.                       
                                                            
14713 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jeff                T9801



Some people really try hard to please.                      
One prompted a new word -- Lewinskys.                       
She grew up, some might say,                                
But it was just yesterday                                   
She crawled around on her hands and knees.                  
                                                            
14714 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Al Bienstock             



At a gathering on Clinton's behalf,                         
They shared a quick hug and a laugh.                        
Someone heard him say,                                      
"I like your beret,                                         
And I think I'd like you on my staff."                      
                                                            
14715 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Bluebird                 



As we strove to have rhyme-it controlled;                   
We didn't "ask not," we Donne broke the mold.               
In the spirit of fun,                                       
We assure everyone                                          
It was Clinton on whom the belle told.                      
                                                            
14716 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Esther Koch              



Last night's TV gave me a kick;                             
Lewinsky was doing a shtick.                                
She's a nervy young dame                                    
'Cause her one claim to fame.                               
Is her work on the president's dick.                        
                                                            
14717 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



He pissed on Monica too?                                    
Not only on me and on you...                                
And every state,                                            
His daughter and mate,                                      
And anyone else he could screw.                             
                                                            
14718 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             John Miller              



At Monica's future I frown,                                 
Even though she's had world renown.                         
She's had her fifteen.                                      
(Andy knows what I mean.)                                   
From here she can only go down.                             
(Andy Warhohl - everyone will be famous 15 minutes)         
14719 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Rusty Smith              



More and more complex it becomes.                           
Just where were Ms Monica's gums?                           
Does Hillary's gay plight                                   
Give Willie the right                                       
To go for some clandestine comes?                           
                                                            
14720 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             M David Tilson           



Said the President to the intern,                           
"It's not only for you that I yearn,                        
It is merely that you                                       
Were the first in the queue;                                
I'll get 'round to the others in turn."                     
                                                            
14721 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Richard Long             



So Monica's said she will talk,                             
In return, she'll most certainly walk.                      
It looks bad for Bill,                                      
I'm sure he feels ill,                                      
It'll teach him to padlock his pork.                        
                                                            
14722 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Andrew Walker BBC        



Did our Bill have sex with Lewinsky?                        
The Repubs sure would like to convince me                   
That Clinton spent Hanukah                                  
Playing his whore-Monica --                                 
A mouth organ fit for Nijinski!                             
                                                            
14723 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Writerman           P9803



This trash is starting to get smelly;                       
I can't believe what's on the telly.                        
Without stains on her suit,                                 
Will the point become moot?                                 
Or will Starr want to pump out her belly?                   
                                                            
14724 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             MrMalo                   



Hillary said, "Are you having a fling                       
With that thong-snapping, interney thing?                   
I saw stuff on your fly."                                   
Bill said, "That's a damn lie!                              
A conspiracy of the right wing!"                            
                                                            
14725 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             William N Nesbit    P0209



Monica may say t'was a hoax;                                
The joke was on all of you folks.                           
Now that she has the paper,                                 
She's now free to caper;                                    
So much for Starr's masterstrokes.                          
(sounds like immunity to me - McW)                          
14726 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Monica, that cute little raver,                        
When asked which dance she did savor,                       
Said, "I was in clover                                      
Doing the Bossanova,                                        
But was 'tripped' doing the boss a favor."                  
                                                            
14727 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             H Myers                  



It started on Capitol Hill                                  
That the right went in for the kill,                        
Starr fell from the sky,                                    
As slick Willie slid by,                                    
And Monica went on the pill!                                
                                                            
14728 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Bob Birch           P9803



Smirked Clinton, that frolicking pup,                       
"Now Monica, this is no gup:                                
I don't ask you to lie,                                     
We can fuck eye to eye.                                     
And come to a boil standing up."                            
                                                            
14729 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Armand E Singer     P9808



I'm sorry this lim is quite risque,                         
But Willy is terribly frisky.                               
Now his Starr-crossed lover                                 
Has been flushed from her cover,                            
He should stick to his Arkansaw whiskey.                    
                                                            
14730 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Andrew Walker BBC        



There once was a girl from VanMeter;                        
Her parents named her Fonda Peter.                          
If she were an intern,                                      
She would so gladly learn                                   
To play the game, swallow the leader.                       
                                                            
14731 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Gearhart                 



Needing help in the form of a greeter,                      
Bill thought that the page looked much sweeter.             
So with finger on chin,                                     
Bill said with a grin,                                      
"Let's play 'swallow the leader'!"                          
                                                            
14732 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             FGO                TP9802



A Polish gal interned for Bill,                             
And soon she was eating her fill.                           
Said her friend, "Don't you fear                            
That some trouble is near?"                                 
Said the girl, "No, I'm taking the Pill."                   
                                                            
14733 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             David Finley             



Lewinsky and Bill had some fun,                             
But 'twas something they shouldn't have done;               
Now Monica's speaking,                                      
The story is leaking,                                       
And Clinton is under the gun.                               
                                                            
14734 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Cap'n Bean          P9812



Monica naked you say!                                       
I think I'll just wait till they play                       
The White House tapes                                       
Of the oral rapes,                                          
When Ken Starr leaks them some day.                         
                                                            
14735 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             MrMalo                   



The President's pecker grew long,                           
When he saw Monica's new thong.                             
He saw her tits too,                                        
In her dress of blue;                                       
Tell me how that could be wrong?                            
                                                            
14736 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             N S Pierce               



Young Monica's surely quite sad;                            
She knows that Bill Clinton's a cad.                        
There isn't a doubt                                         
That he waves it about,                                     
And he must be as old as her dad!                           
                                                            
14737 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Peter W                  



Said Clinton, "Please don't tell the Mrs.                   
About Monica and of her kisses.                             
Sure I'll parse every phrase                                
For the rest of my days;                                    
I defy you to say just what is is."                         
                                                            
14738 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Tom Patton               



Now that the whole world has trashed her,                   
We'd like to know which one is faster:                      
Ken Starr with subpoenas                                    
Or Bill and his penis.                                      
If Ken plays it right, he can ask her.                      
                                                            
14739 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             MrMalo                   



Though Monica may be Willy's bane,                          
And the media gives us a pain,                              
What I wonder                                               
Amid all the thunder,                                       
Is -- just who stands to gain?                              
                                                            
14740 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Ron Graves               



There is a mad bomber, Kaczynsky,                           
And a tawdry intern, Ms. Lewinsky.                          
One blows you to hell;                                      
One blows and won't tell!                                   
I know to whom I'd give my room key.                        
                                                            
14741 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Hungarian                



Monica looks like a turd,                                   
Which is just a four-letter word.                           
Why Bill would pick her                                     
Causes my mind to blur.                                     
(Notice I never used the F-word?)                           
                                                            
14742 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             S C Saint                



An intern named Monica, 'tis said,                          
Was quite good at giving Bill head.                         
When the country found out,                                 
The Prez he did shout,                                      
"I wish I had jacked-off instead!".                         
                                                            
14743 CLINTON - LEWINSKY             Jim Weaver Collection    



A final word on Monica.                                     
She ought to change her moniker,                            
Then into music go.                                         
And practice how to blow                                    
A horn (French) or harmonica.                               
                                                            
14744 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Irving Superior          



Now here comes a long married lover                         
To tatter poor Monica's cover.                              
He said that she bragged                                    
On the Leader she shagged.                                  
What else do you think we'll discover.                      
                                                            
14745 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Frank Fazed              



I just want to say from the start                           
That Monica Lewinsky's a tart!                              
She's had our old Billy                                     
By the balls and the willy,                                 
And so with cash he'll have to part.                        
                                                            
14746 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Funny Bone               



Monica may be down the road;                                
In this case she's the focal node.                          
He could be in deep shit                                    
If he diddled her clit,                                     
While she huffed away on his choad.                         
                                                            
14747 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    MrMalo                   



Monica's heard from Bob Guccione,                           
That open shirt, balding, big phoney.                       
Who said, "Here's two mill,                                 
To pose for a still,                                        
But then you must eat my baloney."                          
                                                            
14748 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Frank Fazed              



Is Monica ANTHROPOPHAGUS?'                                  
Zoftig young woman just off a bus,                          
In mode appealing,                                          
Standing or kneeling,                                       
Or even up there, on top of us?                             
                                                            
14749 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Daniel Ford              



The girl was a bit starry eyed.                             
To get near to the lecher, she tried.                       
In the web, she's now caught                                
Over trinkets he bought.                                    
Now wonder she's fit to be tied.                            
(Monica Lewinsky)                                           
14750 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Frank Fazed              



No matter what comes of her fate,                           
When Monica told what she ate.                              
She assured her face                                        
A prominent place                                           
In history as "Forni-gate."                                 
                                                            
14751 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    MrMalo                   



Bill's mood now is not very sunny.                          
Says he, "I don't consider it funny!                        
So let's hear no more of this;                              
I gave at the orifice;                                      
But Monica's collecting the money!"                         
                                                            
14752 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED                             



Monica's been through the ringer,                           
For diddling Bill Clinton's stinger.                        
But in Romania they say,                                    
She must stay away,                                         
Unless she does all, then we'll bring 'er.                  
                                                            
14753 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED                             



Why not the usual rants;                                    
I'd expect to see congressmen dance                         
In Republican glee.                                         
Do you think it could be                                    
This girl's been in everyone's pants?                       
                                                            
14754 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    MrMalo                   



When the sex scandal news was uncloaked,                    
I felt sorry for Monica's folks.                            
But when raising their daughter,                            
You'd think they'd have taught 'er,                         
Lawyer fees can make Daddy go broke!                        
                                                            
14755 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Monica,                        
Who played penis just like the harmonica,                   
Till near Capitol Hill,                                     
She played one named Bill,                                  
And the notes could be heard to Salonika!                   
                                                            
14756 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Orlando Joe         T9801



Mystery visits by "Mon" have folks buzzin';                 
It's been said there were over three dozen.                 
Maybe trips to Bill's study                                 
Were just to see Buddy,                                     
And she's just one of Bill's kissin' cousins.               
                                                            
14757 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Jim Weaver Collection    



"Be less brassy," his staff all advised.                    
Playing saxaphone is ill advised.                           
With a gin and a tonic-a,                                   
She switched to whore Monica,                               
Which he played, as the media surmised.                     
                                                            
14758 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Res Ipsa                 



"Slick Willy," that SOBRIQUET fair,                         
Like when Clinton took to the air,                          
Denying the wrongs,                                         
From snapping the thongs                                    
To having "no sex" with great care.                         
                                                            
14759 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Chris Papa               



So friends, with my rhyme so trite,                         
I say Starr's report has short-sight.                       
That those with big hair                                    
Who wished life was fair,                                   
Must always be treated with spite.                          
                                                            
14760 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED                             



Little old Monica Lewinsky                                  
With Clinton and jizz on her chinsky,                       
Tried to deny                                               
She'd had sex with the guy,                                 
Saying, "He never once got it insky!"                       
                                                            
14761 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Gearhart                 



If true (like the press I'm just gropin')                   
Then Bill Clinton will surely be hopin'                     
That Monica, the slut,                                      
Will keep her mouth shut,                                   
When previously, she'd kept it wide open!                   
                                                            
14762 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    H Myers             T9801



The victim is now perpetrater;                              
She thought pol would shed wife and mate her.               
Instead she found out,                                      
He just used his clout,                                     
To have his way and penetrate her.                          
                                                            
14763 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Chris Papa               



An adventurous intern named Monica,                         
Told Linda, Bill's love did astonish her.                   
"If I'd known all I'd get,                                  
Was my underwear wet,                                       
I'd have kept our relations platonic-er."                   
                                                            
14764 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED                             



At the White House, a young girl interned,                  
And her passion for Slick Willie burned.                    
But her ardor soon cooled,                                  
As the media drooled,                                       
While by Slick she was publicly spurned!                    
                                                            
14765 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Michael W Johnson        



There in the staid White House limbo,                       
Stood Willy with arms held akimbo.                          
No need to hold on,                                         
As "no-sex" Don Juan,                                       
Was pleasured by raven-haired bimbo.                        
                                                            
14766 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Chris Papa               



Do not feel bad for Miss Lewinsky;                          
She's been offered $2 mill to show skinsky.                 
Penthouse wants her nude,                                   
And with her attitude,                                      
I'll bet she can take one on the chinsky.                   
                                                            
14767 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    MrMalo                   



Our Monica's jetted off now                                 
To India.  They love her, and how!                          
Those randy Hindus                                          
Have named vindaloos                                        
After her, she's their new sacred cow.                      
                                                            
14768 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED                             



I know what he did was not nice,                            
But many a man has that vice.                               
He sure found some shame                                    
With that Monica dame,                                      
But she had intent to entice!                               
                                                            
14769 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Maggie                   



Monica look like she's finding                              
It's hard to be pristine and shining;                       
She set out to snare                                        
Bill in his own lair,                                       
And now all she'd doing is whining!                         
                                                            
14770 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Ystap               T9801



When Monica serves the Chief Crum,                          
She usually murmurs, "Yum-yum."                             
If you have plenty power,                                   
She'll come to your bower.                                  
I had a hunch she would succumb.                            
                                                            
14771 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Al Willis           P9805



Collection may be her main reason                           
For hunting the men out of season.                          
She's keep score,                                           
But she's not a whore;                                      
She freely puts out 'cause it's pleasin'.                   
                                                            
14772 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Karen                    



Monica's morals did slip                                    
When she swallowed the presidential tip.                    
She thought she'd go far                                    
And be a big star,                                          
But instead, poor Monica did Tripp.                         
                                                            
14773 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    H                        



The intern wished to be upward bound;                       
She needed a plan that was sound.                           
She hadn't a clue                                           
As to what to do;                                           
She decided, I'll just sleep around.                        
                                                            
14774 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Puff Adder               



It's been days since the sweet Miss Lewinsky                
Went to see Kenneth Starr, the butt-in-ski.                 
But why does she balk                                       
And refuse to talk?                                         
Could it be that her story is thinski?                      
                                                            
14775 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    MrMalo                   



Lye soap's what that girl should use                        
In her mouth, or be singing the blues.                      
It gives me the willies                                     
'Cause I've heard that Billy's                              
Stuff tastes just like ten-year-old shoes.                  
                                                            
14776 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Cheryl                   



The job was a stroke of fate,                               
Though not at the usual rate.                               
In an unpaid status,                                        
She performed the job gratis,                               
But you could say the tips were great.                      
                                                            
14777 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    MrMalo                   



Monica, how far will you go                                 
To get on Springer's talk show?                             
You're trailer-park trash                                   
With a mountain of cash                                     
And the new queen of fellatio!                              
                                                            
14778 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    H                        



Monica was like a sea breeze;                               
A young girl with a great pair of knees.                    
Though she'd not swallow well,                              
She must have been swell.                                   
Her fee: "Ninety grand job, please."                        
                                                            
14779 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Jennifer Morales         



There once was a gal from L.A.                              
Whose deep throat was used without pay.                     
When it was found,                                          
Her book would be bound.                                    
We know who used who, today.                                
                                                            
14780 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CHIDED    Jim Weaver Collection    



To add to his eternal shame,                                
In playing his dangerous game,                              
Forget that we see                                          
Infidelity;                                                 
He's given cigars a bad name!                               
                                                            
14781 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Papa               



He really deserves touch of shame,                          
For actions done after the blame.                           
He reacted like worm                                        
With truth, not a germ,                                     
And even gave cigars a bad name.                            
                                                            
14782 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Papa               



Sex can be wonderfully AERIOUS                              
Or like canker sore or tooth carious.                       
But when it is done                                         
With weird cigar fun,                                       
I'd call it a wee bit nefarious.                            
                                                            
14783 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Papa               



Clinton keeps his cigars and much more                      
When visits of State are in store.                          
Mr Arafat pondered,                                         
If his stogie had wandered                                  
From Monica's own humidor.                                  
                                                            
14784 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



There was a counsel named Starr,                            
Who some say he went too far,                               
To avenge Mister Nixon;                                     
He put the fix on                                           
Bill and his famous cigar.                                  
                                                            
14785 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Nick Markov              



Poor Bill Clinton felt quite BEREFT,                        
The moment that Monica left,                                
What solace he'd get                                        
From cigar all wet,                                         
Once wielded by her soft hands deft.                        
                                                            
14786 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Papa               



A slave to his sexual hankerings,                           
For interns and odd hanky-pankerings,                       
Bill put his cheroot                                        
Into Monica's chute,                                        
She blew him, of all things, some chancre rings.            
                                                            
14787 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



Monica went shopping at the store;                          
Bill needed fine cigars, she bought more.                   
The new way he teased.                                      
Oh my! How it pleased.                                      
She's the presidential humidor.                             
                                                            
14788 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Tom Patton          P9811



Bill said Monica went a bit far                             
On all fours with her privates ajar.                        
But her next little thing                                   
Would have pleased any king --                              
She said, "Insert that fucking cigar!"                      
                                                            
14789 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Al Chaplin          P9901



Monica is going way too far                                 
By using Doppler enhanced sonar.                            
In case it is mugged,                                       
Her pussy is bugged,                                        
To take a picture of the cigar.                             
                                                            
14790 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Tom Patton          P9811



Actions of Monica are bizarre,                              
But this one, I'm afraid, is subpar.                        
At the moment she came,                                     
She shouted the name                                        
Of another big fellow's cigar.                              
                                                            
14791 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Tom Patton          P9811



Hail Monica - woman of grace,                               
Put a cigar in a different place.                           
Then she left it in her fixture,                            
While Bill took her picture,                                
'Cause it looked like Fidel Castro's face.                  
                                                            
14792 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Lee Malone               



A prosecutorial zealot named Starr                          
Has spent 45 million thus far,                              
To prove the President's agenda,                            
Included Monica's pudenda,                                  
And an illegal Cuban cigar.                                 
                                                            
14793 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Davy Tartar         P9811



The pundits in D.C. are clacking                            
About President Clinton's off-jacking.                      
Is Lewinsky a whore?                                        
Or a cigar humidor?                                         
In her box, Bill's Coronas she's stacking.                  
                                                            
14794 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



Ms. Lewinsky, according to Starr,                           
For a phallus, used Clinton's cigar.                        
Now to most common folk                                     
It seems that the bloke                                     
Has been probing the matter too far.                        
                                                            
14795 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Crazy Legs               



Poor Clinton's no more top banana;                          
His heaven is empty of manna.                               
It's a downfall bizarre                                     
But Lewinsky's cigar                                        
Was purchased in Castro's Havana.                           
                                                            
14796 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Armand Singer       P9811



Monica's not at all photogenic                              
And she seems just a bit schizophrenic.                     
But although she's obscene,                                 
Her lungs are quite clean;                                  
Her cigars were non-carcinogenic.                           
                                                            
14797 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Bob Mornington           



Something about this whole mess,                            
(The lust, the cigar, and the dress):                       
It hastens the day                                          
When sex is passe,                                          
And fewer may need to possess.                              
                                                            
14798 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     H WHELCHEL               



She smoked a cigar like no male,                            
But I have a mind for detail.                               
I asked without guile                                       
As I gave her a smile,                                      
"You smoked, but did you inhale?'                           
                                                            
14799 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



You've heard of Yuri Gararin?                               
'Twas space he decided to star in.                          
But that Lewinski dame                                      
Achieved much greater fame,                                 
By sticking Bill Clinton's cigar in.                        
                                                            
14800 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr                            
Discovered Bill Clinton's cigar.                            
When the band is finegled                                   
By Monica's kagel,                                          
It tastes better than a "Cuban" by far!                     
                                                            
14801 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



Why Monica, love your blue dress!                           
It seems a part of it is a mess!                            
Whose cigar were you smoking?                               
Fondling and stroking?                                      
Wait, don't tell me, let me guess!                          
                                                            
14802 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



Slick Willy was speaking of Monica                          
While sipping on his gin-and-tonica.                        
"If you think that cigar                                    
Was going too far,                                          
Wait 'til you hear 'bout the harmonica.                     
                                                            
14803 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Clark              



There's a guy in the White House who sends                  
Little presents to all of his "friends."                    
But his humidor's lid                                       
Is nailed shut, it is said,                                 
Until his term of orifice ends.                             
                                                            
14804 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



In reports from attorney Ken Starr,                         
There's a tale of a Clinton cigar;                          
That the thing was inserted                                 
Sounds oddly perverted,                                     
But in Washington, just about par.                          
                                                            
14805 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Tim Thompson             



Bill's a generous man, not by half,                         
When he offers cigars to his staff.                         
He said "Though I'm no surgeon,                             
I could see she's no virgin,                                
So I shoved it up just for a laugh."                        
                                                            
14806 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr                     
All had sex one day in a car.                               
Poor Bill was sure missed,                                  
And Monica was pissed                                       
'Cause Kenneth forgot the cigar.                            
                                                            
14807 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Cinful                   



In the Whitehouse an incident took place;                   
Bill Clinton is left in disgrace.                           
His cock shaped cigar                                       
Didn't burn down that far;                                  
Left a deposit on Monica's face.                            
                                                            
14808 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



According to what Monica's written,                         
Thong undies helped Bill C. get smitten.                    
That dildo cigar                                            
Is no more bizarre,                                         
Than Charles' wannabe tampon in Britain.                    
                                                            
14809 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Esther Koch              



That cigar, that Bill Clinton gave her,                     
Was not meant as something to savor.                        
He thought it quite dry,                                    
And so asked her, "Why                                      
Don't you try to improve the flavor?"                       
                                                            
14810 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Jim Weaver Collection    



When I read the report of Ken Starr,                        
One thing struck me as bizarre:                             
When the economy's weak,                                    
Why on earth should you seek                                
To moisten and so waste a cigar?                            
                                                            
14811 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Bob Mornington           



The President fucked his girlfriend;                        
That cigar was really the end.                              
He made a big mess                                          
On Monica's dress,                                          
And he'll never have sex again.                             
                                                            
14812 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Karen                    



Said Willie, "My love for cigars,                           
For myriad ladies boudoirs,                                 
And MELLIFLUOUS tongue                                      
Of an intern quite young,                                   
I shall not cite in my memoirs!"                            
                                                            
14813 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Observer                 



He'll light up but won't take a puff;                       
To smoke it is not just enough.                             
He thinks it is swell;                                      
He doesn't inhale.                                          
"Use your cigar for much better stuff."                     
                                                            
14814 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Roy White                



Bill Clinton could not go as far                            
As making Monica a star.                                    
He was then content                                         
To have her, knees bent,                                    
While he puffed on her scented cigar.                       
                                                            
14815 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



Mr Clinton said, "Yes, Mr Starr,                            
I admit that I used a cigar.                                
But in my defense,                                          
Thought my thing was immense,                               
It didn't go in very far!"                                  
                                                            
14816 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Cap'n Bean          P9902



The misuse of a good cigar,                                 
With intern who went very far,                              
Earned old "Slick Willy"                                    
The strong OBLOQUY,                                         
As lap dog to stern Kenneth Starr.                          
                                                            
14817 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Papa               



They have several, so who knows where                       
Willy can escape his mare,                                  
With young colt to play,                                    
Use cigar risque,                                           
And make use of his PIED-A-TERRE.                           
                                                            
14818 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Papa               



Why Monica, love your blue dress!                           
Too bad that Bill made such a mess.                         
You are no humidor.                                         
If he'd smoked that ci-Gore,                                
You could have stayed out of the press.                     
                                                            
14819 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Marty and Croc           



Monica thinks she's a dish                                  
And all that Billy could wish.                              
She has a new trick,                                        
She sucks on his dick,                                      
And makes a cigar smell like a fish.                        
                                                            
14820 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     AABBA Bob                



Says Clinton, "I'll never surrendah!                        
Must get on with the country's agenda!                      
For my next brilliant stroke,                               
I will light up and smoke,                                  
The cigar that was in her pudenda!"                         
                                                            
14821 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Jim Schaefer             



Miss Lewinsky and Clinton went far                          
With their sexual acts most bizarre.                        
But the substitute phallus                                  
I thought was quite callous,                                
As you can't light a soggy cigar.                           
                                                            
14822 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     CyberCelt          TP9901



The latest Revelations From Starr                           
Involve Bill, Monica and a cigar.                           
She did stuff the old stogie                                
Like sausage in her hoagie,                                 
While Bill jacked off and watched from afar.                
                                                            
14823 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Puff Adder               



Old Bill said "What's the use,                              
It won't light, it's so soaked up with juice."              
But then he said "Doggone it,                               
I can still suck on it -                                    
Unless it's been in your caboose!"                          
                                                            
14824 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Lee Malone               



He warned her, "It might leave a scar                       
If you let it burn down too far.                            
It may burn your clit                                       
If you leave that thing lit;                                
That's no way to smoke a cigar!"                            
                                                            
14825 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR                              



When Monica visited Bill,                                   
The heat could be sensed on the Hill.                       
But by Bill's definition,                                   
He needs no contrition --                                   
The cigar is unlighted still!                               
                                                            
14826 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Conan Librarian    TP9901



In a Monica-Bill groping match,                             
He stuck a cigar in her snatch.                             
That slight bit of friction                                 
Began her addiction --                                      
Now Monica's wearing the patch!                             
                                                            
14827 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Tim Thompson             



When Prez gives a shiny BIJOU,                              
It won't mean sincere "I love you",                         
It's inhaling far,                                          
Or well-packed cigar,                                       
Doing things it was not meant to do.                        
                                                            
14828 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - CIGAR     Chris Papa               



In this Clinton-Lewinsky debacle,                           
Starr's thorough, 'cause Monica's frock'll                  
Be brought into court                                       
(On account of the ort) --                                  
And, yes, even the President's cock'll.                     
(ort - scrap, leftover)                                     
14829 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Knotweed                 



So in order to ease his distress,                           
His dick she did fondly caress.                             
But when she did suck it,                                   
Poor Bill said "Oh fuck it!"                                
And shot his load over her dress.                           
                                                            
14830 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Excuse me, but I digress;                                   
With this evidence, just a big mess.                        
For after four years                                        
I confirm your worst fears,                                 
I've gotten a badly stained dress.                          
                                                            
14831 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



When it's stained, you should burn Old Glory;               
With a dress it is the same old story.                      
If his mess remains                                         
Leaving ugly stains,                                        
Burn it quick before it becomes hoary.                      
                                                            
14832 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Tom Patton               



Slick Willie may have to confess,                           
To get himself out of this mess.                            
If he'd only screwed                                        
Miss L. in the nude,                                        
He wouldn't have come on her dress.                         
                                                            
14833 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Mushroom                 



Bill Clinton, it seems, was quite reckless                  
When giving Monica a "pearl necklace."                      
Some pearl drops                                            
Dripped leaving spots;                                      
Her dress is, like Bill's rep, far from speckless.          
                                                            
14834 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Gearhart                 



For three years she kept an old dress,                      
Which was stained with Bill's sticky mess.                  
Something's not right,                                      
But I think that she might                                  
Have sucked off each guy in Congress.                       
                                                            
14835 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Karen                    



I think I am just going to scream,                          
If I read one more lim on that theme                        
About Monica's dress                                        
Always rhyming with mess..                                  
Now as novel as last night's wet dream.                     
                                                            
14836 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



If I were a liberal of fame,                                
And I soiled the dress of a dame,                           
And the DNA might                                           
Give proof to the right,                                    
I'd put that damn dress to the flame.                       
                                                            
14837 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Bob Birch           P9811



This news just came over the wire:                          
Slick Willy is still under fire.                            
A lesson he's learned;                                      
When passions burn,                                         
Make sure flames consume the attire.                        
                                                            
14838 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Gearhart                 



Whatever you do in US,                                      
Please, do not screw the Pres.                              
He is feeling lame                                          
From exhaustion and shame,                                  
After coming on that wretched dress.                        
                                                            
14839 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Nik Synytskyy            



The President may not be so great,                          
And you may not let him past your gate,                     
But one thing we know,                                      
As the dress will show,                                     
Old boy Clinton can ejaculate.                              
                                                            
14840 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jennifer Morales         



Why Monica, love your blue dress!                           
Spread your legs for a frontal caress!                      
I can't get a boner,                                        
So I'll use this corona                                     
Oh! ...And darling, please clean up the mess!               
                                                            
14841 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



While Clinton's willy was spurtin',                         
Should he wipe it off on the curtain?                       
Or should he make a mess                                    
On Monica's dress,                                          
And be found out for certain.                               
                                                            
14842 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Mushroom                 



Could the congressmen all be Bill clones?                   
Did Monica jump all their bones?                            
Then maybe the goo                                          
On that dress of blue                                       
Is her collection of clones that she's blown.               
                                                            
14843 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Karen                    



He certainly made a fine mess                               
On Monica's lovely blue dress.                              
Didn't he think he                                          
Should cover his dinkie,                                    
While delivering the Lewinsky address?                      
                                                            
14844 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



It seems that they tested the dress,                        
Which turned out quite clean. Who would guess               
That Bill had a knack                                       
To cover his track.                                         
He was careful to not leave a mess.                         
                                                            
14845 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Frank Fazed              



Willy, that Arkansas rogue,                                 
Has been to DISEMBOGUE                                      
His many spew                                               
On dresses of blue,                                         
A color no longer in vogue.                                 
                                                            
14846 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Norm Brust               



When Willy went wild with young whore,                      
He left certain DNA SPOOR;                                  
Impeachment was long,                                       
But Democrats strong,                                       
His continued term would assure.                            
                                                            
14847 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Chris Papa               



I'd not be in the President's shoes.                        
Why, just one little drop of his ooze                       
From an overwrought weiner                                  
Changed Clinton's demeanor:                                 
From that blue dress, he now wears dress blues.             
                                                            
14848 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Spirit                   



The topic Bill hoped to suppress,                           
Has returned to cause him great distress.                   
It was hidden away,                                         
To preserve DNA.                                            
The return of the semen-stained dress!!!                    
                                                            
14849 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



"Why Monica, love your blue dress!                          
But that stain is so hard to assess!"                       
Said she, "'Twas immaculate,                                
Till Handsome's ejaculate                                   
Dribbled on it, I confess!"                                 
                                                            
14850 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Republicans think things can't be sweeter.                  
There's Ken Starr to turn up the heater,                    
With reports to the press                                   
Of Bill's come on her dress,                                
Of that Presidential First Eater.                           
                                                            
14851 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Frank Fazed              



Willie and Monica wallered;                                 
On the White House Seal she was collared.                   
It left quite a mess                                        
On her pretty blue dress;                                   
Had it been love, she'd a swallered.                        
                                                            
14852 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Despite Willy's besotted wit,                               
In face of smoothly slotted fit,                            
He knew and did confess                                     
He wanted that blue dress                                   
The moment that he spotted it.                              
                                                            
14853 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Daniel Ford              



Was it a whole different matter?                            
Dismissed as being tabloid tatter;                          
Was the president wearing,                                  
The dress she was sharing;                                  
Crossdressing while spilling his batter?                    
                                                            
14854 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Why Monica, love your blue dress!                           
Boy, did your boss make a mess!                             
Didn't pay for the cleaning,                                
His job lost its meaning,                                   
And his wife still is terrible at sex!                      
                                                            
14855 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Dear Monica, I have to confess                              
We have made such a terrible mess.                          
How would we know                                           
When you gave me a blow,                                    
It would end up all over your dress?                        
                                                            
14856 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Speckle Bird       TP9901



Slick Willy, though feeling quite gingery,                  
Didn't disturb Miss Monica's lingerie,                      
But he made a big mess --                                   
Not just on her dress --                                    
Adding an intern to insult and injury.                      
                                                            
14857 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     FCA                 P9803



Why Monica, love your blue dress!                           
The one that you never get pressed.                         
The baby's breath spray                                     
Of your Clinton bouquet --                                  
Or did a bird shit on your chest?                           
                                                            
14858 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



The stain on blue dress was the bomb                        
That shattered the Capitol's calm;                          
It brought no disgrace                                      
To Willy's red face,                                        
Who'd done it for fun, without qualm.                       
                                                            
14859 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Chris Papa               



Our Exec denies any jizz                                    
From hitting the young intern Ms.                           
Says Bill, "If her dress                                    
Is somewhat a mess,                                         
It's from my proclivity to whiz."                           
                                                            
14860 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



This is news you don't want to miss;                        
Better listen carefully to this;                            
You'd never guess.                                          
The stain on her dress                                      
Turns out to be presidential piss.                          
                                                            
14861 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jennifer Morales         



Who can tell what next follows;                             
In this mudhole where Ken Starr wallows.                    
If in searching her dress,                                  
They find stains...What a mess!                             
For Bill's sake, I sure hope she swallows.                  
                                                            
14862 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     MrMalo                   



Why Monica, love your blue dress!                           
I know why the stain causes stress.                         
You need to be neat                                         
When chewing Bill's meat,                                   
For Ken Starr will subpoena the mess.                       
                                                            
14863 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



There once was an intern named Monica,                      
Whose practiced skill on harmonica                          
When applied to the President,                              
Made her dry-cleaner hesitant,                              
That his spots would come out in the laundrica.             
                                                            
14864 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



It's time to go, Monica dear.                               
Oops, DISEMBOGUED on you, I fear.                           
But Hillary calls,                                          
And my Peace Prize stalls.                                  
Let the cleaner get that stain clear.                       
                                                            
14865 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Chris Papa               



To the public he would not confess,                         
But clue that he'd been in sex mess,                        
UNBEKNOWNST to Bill,                                        
Was his careless spill                                      
Had left spot on "love mouth's" blue dress.                 
                                                            
14866 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Chris Papa               



And "love mouth" did unzip her lip                          
To nemesis, by name of Tripp.                               
Who told the press                                          
Of Bill's excess,                                           
And caused Ken Starr with joy to flip.                      
                                                            
14867 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Elois                    



Bill's problems would be so much less                       
And America's too, don't you guess?                         
Just one little condom                                      
Applied to his small dome.                                  
But it wouldn't have made such good press!                  
                                                            
14868 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Vince Kasten             



Now Linda, she heard of these lovers,                       
Decided to blow off the covers.                             
She knew of the mess                                        
That stained the blue dress;                                
Around her house, the media hovers.                         
                                                            
14869 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



There once was a boy named Bill                             
Whose penis just wouldn't keep still.                       
He made a big mess                                          
On Monica's dress                                           
And all over Capitol Hill!                                  
                                                            
14870 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Gina B              P9803



An ambitious young man from Hope                            
Was never reluctant to grope.                               
But he messed up a dress,                                   
So he had to confess.                                       
But he'll still not admit to the dope.                      
                                                            
14871 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



The President said "One more quickie,"                      
Unfurling his prodigal dickie.                              
"Watch out for my dress!                                    
I don't want a mess!"                                       
Said Monica, getting all sticky.                            
                                                            
14872 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     OgniGioia                



These limericks are really quite lame,                      
But I guess that it's Clinton I blame;                      
Had he fucked just his wife,                                
For once in his life,                                       
Or at least missed the dress when he came.                  
                                                            
14873 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Robert Wiley             



Why, Monica, love your blue dress!                          
And of course you know I'm the Pres.                        
With my come on your face,                                  
You're a national disgrace,                                 
So use it to clean up that mess!                            
                                                            
14874 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Bill Clinton said "Al, it's not silly                       
For interns to wear aprons, frilly;                         
Protection of dresses                                       
From stains and such messes                                 
Is vital for presidents, really!"                           
                                                            
14875 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Travis Brasell           



I doubt Billy boy will be gloating                          
At surviving the seas he's been boating.                    
But I'd say best guess is:                                  
They pass laws to make dresses                              
Come equipped with a Teflon type coating.                   
                                                            
14876 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Monica did acts so obscene                                  
In a place where they both were not seen.                   
Oh she did confess                                          
But just like her dress,                                    
Bill Clinton would never come clean.                        
                                                            
14877 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Thomas M Patton     P9901



President Willy who thought as a preener,                   
Dreaming of women and weiners,                              
"Isn't it rich,                                             
That the dirty bitch,                                       
Had never hear of the dry cleaner."                         
                                                            
14878 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Richard Long             



There once was a White House aide,                          
Who for some of her duties was paid.                        
But the one she liked best,                                 
Left a stain on her dress;                                  
Even if she never got laid!                                 
                                                            
14879 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Tom C                    



Bill's in trouble now, that seems for sure,                 
As new evidence comes to the fore.                          
When Ken showed him that dress,                             
Clinton claimed, under stress,                              
That he'd not come across it before.                        
                                                            
14880 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Why Monica, love your blue dress!                           
The Pres upon it made a mess!                               
His aim should have been better,                            
While dictating that letter,                                
Else he wouldn't have had to confess!                       
                                                            
14881 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Steel Bishop       TP9901



Had Monica focused on cock,                                 
He wouldn't have sprayed that new frock.                    
But she tickled his scrot                                   
Of that randy old goat,                                     
And forgot to maintain her lip-lock.                        
                                                            
14882 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     OgniGioia                



And then there's the stain on the dress,                    
That's put Bill under some stress.                          
Should he deny it,                                          
The facts sure imply it;                                    
Her mouth couldn't hold the excess.                         
                                                            
14883 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Bill to the gal he befriended,                         
"Your dress is torn and should be mended.                   
So take it off quick                                        
But do mind my prick."                                      
...Except that is not how it ended.                         
                                                            
14884 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Bob Mornington           



I think Clinton will get through just fine;                 
Though it's true he stepped over the line.                  
This sucking of dick,                                       
Is making me sick,                                          
And I'm glad that blue dress wasn't mine.                   
                                                            
14885 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



I think Monica has ADD!                                     
'Cause "Swallow!" was the decree.                           
He'd ask and he'd ask                                       
But she'd not stay on task,                                 
Hence her dress all sticky with debris.                     
(ADD - attention deficit disorder)                          
14886 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     OgniGioia                



When her dress had been caught in the door,                 
And the coffee fell down to the floor,                      
Bill helped mop up the mess.                                
Then he sent a new dress,                                   
And advised, "Please don't spill anymore."                  
                                                            
14887 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willie is under duress                                
DNA on a little blue dress                                  
Scientifically speaking                                     
It wasn't Starr's leaking                                   
That got Willie into this mess!                             
                                                            
14888 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



There was an intern from DC                                 
Who went with the Pres on a spree.                          
Said her mother, "I guess                                   
That stain on your dress,                                   
Means he didn't go in where you pee!"                       
                                                            
14889 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     John Miller              



Old Billy Clinton's a mess,                                 
There's stains on Monica's dress.                           
And I'm sure you will find,                                 
That there's some left behind,                              
On the carpet. Now will he confess?                         
                                                            
14890 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Mushroom                 



Of course, good old King Cole                               
Was a most careful old soul.                                
Though he called to be piped,                               
He would never have wiped                                   
His come on the dress of his moll.                          
                                                            
14891 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Bob Mornington           



Old Bill almost lost his fine shirt                         
From a stain left on Monica's skirt;                        
But will he recall                                          
What started it all,                                        
And the trouble from one little squirt?                     
                                                            
14892 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



The Constitution provides civil redress                     
Should a Benedict Arnold impress                            
A public too unwise                                         
To notice disguise.                                         
All I've got is this damn dress.                            
                                                            
14893 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Monica brought about lot's of stress,                       
When she told of a stain on her dress.                      
But we're the first ones                                    
To say she had the runs;                                    
Her panties were a smelly old mess.                         
                                                            
14894 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jennifer Morales         



Monica, in tears, went to Betty;                            
Her wisdom helped keep the girl steady.                     
"Bill's leak on this dress,                                 
I'll leak to the press!"                                    
"Just remember: Kopechne and Teddy."                        
                                                            
14895 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     David L                  



"Stained Constitution," you say?                            
Can you tell me just where and what way?                    
It's not like that dress;                                   
Even under duress,                                          
Can you prove it without DNA?                               
                                                            
14896 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



A president down on his luck,                               
An intern who's brimming with pluck,                        
A dress with a stain...                                     
The tapes that remain...                                    
And the public not giving a fuck.                           
                                                            
14897 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Joseph Palmer            



On hearing the Presidents distress,                         
Young Monica couldn't care less!                            
"I'd much rather fuck                                       
As described in my book,                                    
Than clean out semen from my dress!"                        
                                                            
14898 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



Lewinsky scares Bill to his soles,                          
Since his story is now full of holes.                       
Because of the dress,                                       
He'll have to confess                                       
That Monica got a Rise in the Polls.                        
                                                            
14899 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Frank Petersohn          



Republican Aussies be shamed;                               
My anger cannot now be tamed.                               
At least a good Royal                                       
Never would soil                                            
A dress with his come when he camed.                        
                                                            
14900 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Bob Mornington           



A limerick she does not deserve                             
But Monica Lewinsky has nerve!                              
I read in the press                                         
That Bill ruined her dress                                  
But she then threw him quite a curve.                       
                                                            
14901 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



A D.A. who'd just passed the bar                            
Told Monica, "Come as you are.                              
There's no need to dress.                                   
We don't want to mess                                       
With evidence you can show Starr."                          
                                                            
14902 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



That sloppy young girl from L.A.,                           
It seems she had plenty to say.                             
She saved the dress                                         
In spite of the mess,                                       
So perhaps Clinton will have to pay?                        
                                                            
14903 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Harold                   



There once was a gal from L.A.                              
She loved to suck the Pres all day.                         
He dripped on her dress,                                    
But she saved it, we guess.                                 
Why she did this, she just didn't say.                      
                                                            
14904 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Harold                   



Although my prick's small as a beak,                        
My semen could fill a small creek!                          
No wonder I guess,                                          
Some drooled on the dress.                                  
I'd saved up that wad for a week.                           
                                                            
14905 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     John Miller              



Lewinsky now claims that Bill's mess                        
Left a permanent stain on her dress.                        
From the bend I believe                                     
It must be on the sleeve,                                   
But that won't be made public, I guess.                     
                                                            
14906 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     John Miller              



How did Slick get into such a mess?                         
I got sick hearing him confess.                             
He can't undo it;                                           
Monica blew it;                                             
DNA evidence all over her dress.                            
                                                            
14907 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Sumerman                 



The spermatozoa-soaked dress                                
Finally led our dear Pres to confess.                       
Monica's best by far;                                       
Flowers' close - no cigar;                                  
And the first lady couldn't care less                       
                                                            
14908 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



And speaking of that dress, I fear                          
Young Monica's gone a bit queer.                            
If my clothing stain                                        
'Twas big, I'd not refrain                                  
From tossing it, not keeping it near.                       
                                                            
14909 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Arden                    



If Monica had a good head,                                  
She'd settle for Kleenex, instead                           
Of "hanker-for-chief",                                      
Who took "good head" brief,                                 
But never had sex, so he said.                              
                                                            
14910 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Chris Papa               



You know about lust, don't you sire?                        
Uncontrollable heated desire?                               
Dresses stained in hot passion,                             
Even those of high fashion,                                 
Are best shredded and thrown in a fire.                     
                                                            
14911 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Bob Birch           P9811



There once was a Hermit Wee Willie,                         
Whose sex life was really quite silly.                      
With this one and that,                                     
The stories were flat,                                      
Till a stained dress showed up from some Jilley             
                                                            
14912 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Will the stained dress of Lewinsky                          
Be analyzed like the shack of Kaczynski?                    
For Presidential spuz,                                      
Is the Washington buzz.                                     
Who put on his face that silly grinski?                     
                                                            
14913 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Mike Schneider           



The President was under DURESS,                             
To our Congress he would not confess.                       
He told them what "is" is                                   
Really none of their biz,                                   
Just a problem caused by a soiled dress.                    
                                                            
14914 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Gene                     



Oh what a terrible mess!                                    
The lawyers are all in distress.                            
Monica went to her knees,                                   
So that Bill could be pleased,                              
And now there's a spot on her dress.                        
                                                            
14915 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     D E Clegg                



The lawyers resort to coin toss                             
To see who will tell the boss,                              
The stain isn't jizz,                                       
But it's certainly his;                                     
It's MacDonalds Big Mac special sauce.                      
                                                            
14916 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     MrMalo                   



The White House is under great stress                       
From the salacious Monica mess.                             
Bill could put out the fire --                              
Easy, call her a liar --                                    
Except for the stain on her dress...                        
                                                            
14917 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     CB                  T9801



She skates on thin ice like Lipinsky,                       
Making use of the males like Kaczynski;                     
A stain on her dress,                                       
Made Clinton confess;                                       
Adjudged star of this mess is Lewinsky.                     
                                                            
14918 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Joel D Ash               



That dress during sex that was soiled,                      
Should never be scrubbed, burned or boiled:                 
For this would erase                                        
All trace of disgrace,                                      
And Starr in that case would be foiled.                     
                                                            
14919 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Joel D Ash               



On Miss Monica's dress it was plain                         
That Bill's semen thereon did remain.                       
So excited was Starr                                        
At this finding bizarre,                                    
His saliva was found on the stain.                          
                                                            
14920 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Al Chaplin          P9901



As she was grasping his bum,                                
Bill said, "Please swallow my come".                        
But all of the mess                                         
Did drip down her dress;                                    
Now Ken Starr says he's a crum.                             
                                                            
14921 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     VZTB                     



White House tapes were Nixon's downfall,                    
Iran-Contra plagued Reagan, et al.                          
But who would have thought                                  
That Bill would be caught                                   
With a dress that's two sizes too small!                    
                                                            
14922 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Frank Petersohn          



Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,                    
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.               
Since you look such a mess,                                 
Use the hem of your dress,                                  
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.                    
                                                            
14923 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS     Martha Thorrens          



A comely young aide name Lewinsky,                          
Blew up more men than Kaczinsky.                            
With her little blue dress                                  
She cleaned up the mess                                     
With the hem; she wiped off her chinski!                    
                                                            
14924 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - DRESS                              



An adenoid, I've heard, sure enhances                       
An intern's most oral advances.                             
Just ask poor old Bill;                                     
He's sure had his fill                                      
Of Monica's bended knee stances.                            
                                                            
14925 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



The young intern was heard to have said,                    
"Mr. Clinton took me to bed."                               
Bill denied it of course,                                   
"Just consider the source,                                  
And besides, it was all in her head."                       
                                                            
14926 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Popsicle           TP9807



Bill's life is now ruled by his prick                       
And his antics have made the world sick.                    
Arafat sat and waited,                                      
His navel contemplated,                                     
While Monica sucked on Bill's dick.                         
                                                            
14927 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



I'm sick of this Monica dross;                              
I couldn't give a shit or a toss.                           
But did the old scrubber                                    
Make Bill wear a rubber,                                    
Or did he just ask her to floss?                            
                                                            
14928 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Peter W                  



Monica, cute and well-thatched, who                         
Delivers on broadloom unmatched woo,                        
Says, "I'm not in this place,                               
With my lips to embrace,                                    
Bill's schtick, but whom it's attached to."                 
                                                            
14929 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Says Clinton: "This bullshit must cease!                    
I feel like I'm preaching to trees!                         
A sex act is moral                                          
As long as it's oral,                                       
So Monica, get back on your knees!"                         
                                                            
14930 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Schaefer             



So Bill's a perverted maggot?                               
Sees a willing mouth, he has to gag it?                     
I say good for him,                                         
It's better than quim;                                      
Don't you think? Or are you a faggot?                       
                                                            
14931 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



Lewinsky and Clinton have shown                             
That Kaczynski must surely have know:                       
That an intern is better                                    
Than a bomb in a letter,                                    
Given the chance to be blown.                               
                                                            
14932 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      David Dieckmann          



Dick Morris says Hillary's shy,                             
But she often gives head to her guy.                        
So little Lewinsky,                                         
While wiping her chinsky,                                   
Says, "Where the bitch sucks, there suck I."                
                                                            
14933 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Stargazer          TP9802



The President sat quite alone                               
By the Whitehouse's video-phone.                            
Admitted the fact                                           
Of an inappropriate act,                                    
In which more than his cover was blown.                     
                                                            
14934 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Our Bill is a fun sort of bloke,                            
Who rather than give her a poke,                            
Let Monica chew it,                                         
But later she blew it,                                      
When in Tripp, her greed she awoke.                         
                                                            
14935 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Don't know if a virgin's on scene,                          
How many before and between,                                
Just Monica knows,                                          
Account blow-by-blows,                                      
All hidden behind private screen.                           
                                                            
14936 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Chris Papa               



If you crossed a young intern, Lewinsky,                    
With a man by the name of Kaczynski,                        
The blow jobs you'd get                                     
Would be dynamite! Yet,                                     
You might not have any fore-skin-ski!                       
                                                            
14937 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      N Ferguson               



She brought her knee pads to DC,                            
Seeking opportunity,                                        
To make her memoirs                                         
Regardless of laws,                                         
And no thought for morality.                                
                                                            
14938 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Karen                    



What is that thing in her nose?                             
In Monica's nose, d'you suppose?                            
Is it a blot,                                               
Or maybe just snot?                                         
Poor Bill can't aim well with his hose.                     
                                                            
14939 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



I've not looked at the girl's dental work;                  
Does semen make enamel berserk?                             
Does it turn teeth yellow?                                  
Or turn gums to Jello?                                      
Or just leave a satisfied smirk?                            
                                                            
14940 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Cheryl                   



Bill says there was no penetration,                         
But Monica says with elation,                               
"He wanted me bad,                                          
So I said, 'Don't be sad,                                   
We'll just cure all your ills with fellation!'"             
                                                            
14941 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Ystap               T9801



Miss Lewinsky, when questioned, said, "I'm                  
Only guilty of deafness, not crime.                         
When he said, 'Just a minute,                               
Please put a sock in it.'                                   
I thought he said 'cock' at the time!"                      
                                                            
14942 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      H Myers            TP9802



Says Clinton, "It ought to be noted                         
That it's me for whom you all have voted.                   
So knock off the chatter                                    
On the Monica matter;                                       
So what if I have been deep throated?"                      
                                                            
14943 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Schaefer             



Surely they won't interview her!                            
They'd be putting that girl on a skewer.                    
Make her tell the whole nation                              
Details of fellation,                                       
And just how old Billy would do her.                        
                                                            
14944 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



Once was a young intern named Mon,                          
Who went to the White House to spawn.                       
If given the chance,                                        
She'd have tugged down Bill's pants,                        
And blown him right there on the lawn.                      
                                                            
14945 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Tim Thompson             



O woebegone Hope's favorite son!                            
Your days as our leader seem done.                          
It sure is a bummer,                                        
Done in by a hummer                                         
Internally - pardon the pun!                                
                                                            
14946 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Lewinsky's at the end of her rope;                          
Her future has little hope.                                 
After presidential dick,                                    
What's her next trick?                                      
Going down on the Pope?                                     
                                                            
14947 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



With Bill Clinton's own proclamation                        
On TV to all of his nation,                                 
"My conduct's not right!";                                  
With Monica's bite,                                         
It ended in ejaculation!                                    
(ejaculation proclamation)                                  
14948 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      GTJacket                 



Young Monica's feminine wiles,                              
Slick Willie completely beguiles.                           
For sheer oral pleasure,                                    
None else took her measure,                                 
A true fellatrix nonpareil!                                 
                                                            
14949 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Michael W Johnson        



Says Monica, that neat little vixen,                        
"I like him a lot more than Nixon.                          
He's much nicer and cuter,                                  
As I toot on his tooter.                                    
He's so happy when I get my licks in!"                      
                                                            
14950 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



There is a young lady named Monica                          
Who plays on the President's harmonica.                     
It's long and hard work,                                    
But there is a nice perk,                                   
She gets the whole week off at Hanakah!                     
                                                            
14951 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Shaefer         P9803



Some of Clinton's friends are found dead.                   
Linda Tripp says she was filled with dread.                 
But let us fixate                                           
Upon Zippergate,                                            
And think about Bill getting head.                          
                                                            
14952 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Anon                     



Poor Monica never knew it,                                  
But Tripp who was privy to it,                              
Just couldn't be trusted.                                   
Now Monica's busted...                                      
Had a good White House job and she blew it.                 
                                                            
14953 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



History might have WATERSHED,                               
When in 90's, Clinton had said,                             
"I'm sorry for strife,                                      
Though I have a wife,                                       
That Intern can sure give great head!"                      
                                                            
14954 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Chris Papa               



Bill now has finally owned up;                              
That gal upon semen did sup.                                
And with a new dress on                                     
She had indigestion                                         
And gagged and forgot to mop up.                            
                                                            
14955 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Bob Mornington           



Adulterous? Bill says it's not.                             
His pecker was not in her pot.                              
"She just had a taste;                                      
'Twas all 'bove the waist.                                  
Unlike Paula, this youngster was hot."                      
                                                            
14956 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Frank Fazed              



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr                     
Were talking one day in a bar.                              
"Lewinsky, you sucked,                                      
Now old Willie is fucked!                                   
The question now is just how far?"                          
                                                            
14957 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



"Alaska?" said Miss Lewinsky,                               
"With sleds and snow and huskies?                           
I don't need to race                                        
In a cold frozen place,                                     
'Cause I did a rod down in D.C."                            
                                                            
14958 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Possum                   



We all have to make our own beds;                           
Now Monica sleeps with the Feds.                            
But Starr catches hell,                                     
If the girl doesn't tell                                    
What went in through those ruby reds.                       
                                                            
14959 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



That horny old President Billy                              
Was caught doing something so silly.                        
Now the Democrats sob                                       
And he's losing his job,                                    
All 'cause Monica sucked on his willy.                      
                                                            
14960 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Why is he so begrudged?                                     
Is his reputation so smudged?                               
I won't waste a sob                                         
On a White House blow job.                                  
Judge not lest ye be judged.                                
                                                            
14961 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



I don't understand all the stink                            
Of Monica and the President's dink.                         
It's all very silly;                                        
Like Milli-Vanilli,                                         
All that she did was lip-sync!                              
                                                            
14962 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Mike M             TP9802



The Internet suffered a meltdown;                           
Seventy million clicked when Willy felt down.               
Satellites whirled                                          
In reverse - Cyber world                                    
Imploded - 'cause Monica knelt down!                        
                                                            
14963 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Marsha                   



Kaczynski would give us the chills                          
When using his bomb making skills.                          
With small wads of nails                                    
Sent in bombs through the mails,                            
But Lewinsky got large wads of Bill's.                      
                                                            
14964 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Monica lost weight, Oh Wow!                                 
She looks less like a Holstein cow.                         
Secret's not out of bounds                                  
To lose all those pounds;                                   
She's just putting less in her mouth!                       
                                                            
14965 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Anon                     



The Encyclopaedia Brittonica                                
Ain't as long as those tapes of Monica                      
Spilling her guts                                           
About licking Bill's nuts.                                  
It's nice that she's not owned a Konica.                    
                                                            
14966 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



The Prez says that he didn't do it.                         
His attitude seems to be "Screw it!"                        
But he knows the scandal                                    
Was too hot to handle                                       
And it looks as if Monica blew it!                          
                                                            
14967 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Schaefer       TP9802



Asks Starr like a biblical prelate                          
"Ms. L., were you paid, did you fellate?"                   
She says, "Facts as those                                   
I will never disclose                                       
In a court, not Supreme, not Appellate."                    
                                                            
14968 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Poor Bill and Monica are rushin'                            
And he fails to take care where he's gushin'.               
Who'd have thought such depravity                           
Would bring so much gravity                                 
Into the national discussion.                               
                                                            
14969 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



We know 'cause of Monica-gate,                              
That the girl likes to flirt and fellate.                   
But despite all her charm,                                  
It's caused her great harm,                                 
And she may never get a real date.                          
                                                            
14970 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Bill Clinton was tempted to sin.                            
He claims he did not put it in.                             
But he put it, the cad,                                     
Where nature forbade,                                       
Just north of her chinny-chin-chin.                         
                                                            
14971 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Al Willis           P9803



If she wants to stay out of the limelight,                  
I suggest that next time she not bite.                      
Leave like a rock,                                          
The President's cock,                                       
And she'd not be embroiled in this fight.                   
                                                            
14972 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Arden                    



Our President's really a menace;                            
As a statesman, he's still an apprentice.                   
The story of Bill;                                          
Monica he did drill                                         
In the teeth, but not like a dentist.                       
                                                            
14973 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Mike Hunter              



There was a young intern named Monica,                      
Who took a short trip to Salonika.                          
That's pretty far south;                                    
When she opened her mouth,                                  
It wasn't to play the harmonica.                            
                                                            
14974 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Popsicle           TP9806



Slick's lawyers are out splitting hairs;                    
Blow jobs are not really affairs.                           
He who receiveth                                            
No sex achieveth.                                           
Oops! Thirty-six boxes of Nair!                             
                                                            
14975 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



For the Pres, oral was preferential;                        
The scene didn't look presidential.                         
The Chief was quite pleased,                                
To have her on her knees,                                   
For a shot that would prove consequential.                  
                                                            
14976 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



"Want a blow job?" she elided,                              
As into her mouth she guided                                
The tumescent tool                                          
Of the horny first fool,                                    
And on into history they glided!                            
                                                            
14977 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



In the grand White House edifice                            
There's a scandal to rival Oedipus.                         
In a most chancy game                                       
Our own Billy came                                          
In Monica's oval orifice!                                   
                                                            
14978 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



I am not impressed one bit                                  
With the ease with which you have bit.                      
But I do like to watch                                      
Your nose in Bill's crotch.                                 
I'd say it's a near perfect fit.                            
                                                            
14979 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



The evidence I should have condensed,                       
Could be subject to plain common sense:                     
Monica blew him                                             
But was that really screwin'?                               
And I never did straddle that fence.                        
                                                            
14980 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Lewinsky, Bill thought he should train her,                 
Though fellatio should be a no-brainer.                     
But why she saved that gob                                  
From her famous blow job,                                   
Makes Kaczynski look saner and saner.                       
                                                            
14981 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Frank Petersohn          



They can put a positive spin                                
In the semen on Monica's chin.                              
I'm shocked and disgusted,                                  
He cannot be trusted,                                       
But deep down I do envy him.                                
                                                            
14982 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Navin                    



The President has a big problem,                            
And it's one that is likely to hobble 'im.                  
Despite his denial,                                         
If it comes to trial...                                     
She has been known to gobble 'em.                           
                                                            
14983 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



Sweet Monica, she blew off our leader;                      
Thought his dick might be a repeater.                       
She swallowed his mess                                      
Or 'twould sully her dress.                                 
That way she hept history neater!                           
                                                            
14984 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Sam Pittman        TP9802



Bill felt like a little out 'n' insky,                      
So he called in Miss Monica Lewinsky.                       
He left a small drip                                        
Just below her lip,                                         
Right on her chinny-chin-chinsky!                           
                                                            
14985 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Weaver               



It's a subject that never will bore;                        
All foibles from vast human store.                          
As big sigh I heave,                                        
I just do believe                                           
A President should stand for more.                          
                                                            
14986 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Chris Papa               



Said Bill to the girl on her knees,                         
"For an intern you know how to please.                      
And I know that you're bummin'                              
'Cause I stop short of comin',                              
But let's say that we're shooting the breeze."              
                                                            
14987 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Tim Thompson             



Who cares if the world is awry,                             
He'll focus his thoughts on his fly,                        
And wallow in muck,                                         
As long as the suck,                                        
Doesn't count as real sex for this guy.                     
                                                            
14988 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Chris Papa               



Said Bill, "It is true, I've confessed.                     
Lewinsky was more that a guest.                             
And though she was silly                                    
To play with my willy,                                      
She sucked but she didn't ingest."                          
                                                            
14989 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Mike Forth               



There was Monica sexy and ripe;                             
She'd listen to his every gripe.                            
He: I can't go to far                                       
So lets use a cigar!                                        
She: I think I'll just suck on your pipe!                   
                                                            
14990 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Monica wishes she'd had a machine,                          
To help keep her dress nice and clean.                      
And as for old Billy,                                       
Since she sucked his willy,                                 
He's become a political has-been!                           
                                                            
14991 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Tiddy Ogg                



A fair maiden from California                               
Made a president say "Can I  bone ya?"                      
But she was too clever;                                     
She sucked on his lever,                                    
Until big Bill said "Ha-La-Lu-Ya!"                          
                                                            
14992 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



As storms of this scandal did gather,                       
The Democrats asked "what's a matter?                       
This is no crime                                            
It's not sex, and that's fine!"                             
(As long as it's our man their after.)                      
                                                            
14993 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



She believed he would never mislead her.                    
As his intern, he then guaranteed her                       
She'd get (on his behalf)                                   
Many "perks" from his "staff",                              
On her knees, playing "swallow the leader".                 
                                                            
14994 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      K Starr             P9803



Clinton just had to meet her;                               
He thought that no one was sweeter.                         
They had sex on the phone,                                  
And when they were alone,                                   
They played games like 'Swallow the Leader'.                
                                                            
14995 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      D D Hays                 



Hillary's Willie faces                                      
An impeachment no one embraces                              
Willie cried, "Never did it"                                
"Because she just spit it,                                  
On the White House Seal through her braces."                
                                                            
14996 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



For Monica, Starr is rapacious,                             
Replaying those tapes most salacious,                       
"Here's immunity,                                           
To set your tongue free,                                    
And tickle my Staff most bodacious."                        
                                                            
14997 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Recent history makes a clear case                           
That the world is a dangerous place.                        
They can put you on trial                                   
For a simple denial                                         
Of coming in some young girls face.                         
                                                            
14998 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      MrMalo                   



Will history books find it fitten'                          
Posterity reads Bill was smitten                            
By Monica L?                                                
Or will books never tell                                    
'Cause in history, oral's unwritten.                        
                                                            
14999 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Prof M-G                 



Lewinsky of Beverly Hills                                   
Wanted some sexual thrills.                                 
She went eastward to meet                                   
Some new todgers to eat,                                    
And ended up sucking old Bill's.                            
                                                            
15000 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Arden                    



Seems Billy boy just made toast                             
Of Kenny's impeachment boast.                               
With Monica's cooking;                                      
A new talk show booking;                                    
Hard to say who sucks the most.                             
                                                            
15001 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Bill wanted to give Monica a try                        
And hastily unzipped his fly.                               
He whitewashed her tonsil                                   
And then gave her council;                                  
"It's OK to tell a white lie."                              
                                                            
15002 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      Jim Weaver               



A chubby young Washington chick                             
Was nibbling the President's dick.                          
After a single great spasm,                                 
He reached orgasm,                                          
And she knew why that Willie was Slick.                     
                                                            
15003 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL                               



Though Monica made Bill her friend,                         
Sad tragedy struck in the end.                              
But that other day?                                         
I've heard it this way:                                     
She wiped off her chin with a grin.                         
                                                            
15004 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ORAL      H Whelchel               



It's publicity that's Monica's steal                        
And poor old Bill can't appeal.                             
Look him in the eye,                                        
"Did you ask her to lie?"                                   
"No Sir, I asked her to kneel!"                             
                                                            
15005 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE                          



Lewinsky gives blow jobs just dandy,                        
Treating Bill like a stick of hard candy.                   
Kaczynski's on trial                                        
But Monica can smile                                        
For Bill's DNA comes in handy.                              
                                                            
15006 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Lynn Mostafa             



One thing a girl knows without doubt,                       
When a lady's cavorting about,                              
She carries a tissue,                                       
In case there's an issue,                                   
The dry cleaner cannot get out.                             
                                                            
15007 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE MrMalo                   



The steel mill found her so appealing,                      
Monica found her fate sealing;                              
Defying precedent                                           
Named her vice president,                                   
And put her in charge of annealing.                         
                                                            
15008 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Tom Patton          P0111



Now the Whitehouse is reeling;                              
From impeachment there is no appealing.                     
He could lose his job                                       
If when polishing his knob,                                 
He reached down and copped him a feeling.                   
                                                            
15009 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE MrMalo                   



Bill Clinton from far Arkansas                              
Had a back that was terribly sore.                          
He said with a frown,                                       
Monica, get on down,                                        
While I stand with my back to the door.                     
                                                            
15010 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE                          



It's true -- Bill is quite a joker,                         
Not an inhaler, but a toker --                              
But 'twas his latest sin                                    
That at last did him in --                                  
M., and the way he would poke 'er!                          
                                                            
15011 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE                          



That Bill Clinton's a slippery eel                          
And his evasion skills are unreal.                          
When Ken asked, "Did you try                                
To make Monica lie?",                                       
Bill said "No, I just asked her to kneel."                  
                                                            
15012 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE                          



Miss Lewinsky, come check my baloney!                       
And make like Kaczinsky and blow me!                        
Just nibble the tip                                         
And don't make a drip;                                      
Or I'll tell all the people you're phoney!                  
                                                            
15013 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Rob Robertson            



An intern for Bill at the White House                       
Evidently knew how to "go south".                           
That's all fine and good,                                   
If only she would                                           
Now learn how to keep a closed mouth.                       
                                                            
15014 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Wildman             P9803



There once was a woman named Monica                         
Who blew Bill Clinton on Hannukah.                          
When questioned in court,                                   
Her answer was short:                                       
"I played it like a harmonica."                             
                                                            
15015 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Lims For Year - 01       



Says Monica, that cute little tease                         
"On the job I sure try hard to please,                      
And it pays little money,                                   
And my mouth tastes so funny,                               
And besides that, it's ruining my knees!"                   
                                                            
15016 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Jim Schaefer        P9803



Though Monika is a bit dumb,                                
She's not irreversibly numb.                                
Her method of sex,                                          
Conception does hex.                                        
Her sextory's better than some.                             
                                                            
15017 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Elois                    



The first thing Bill said without doubt                     
About Monica and goings on 'down south';                    
Unwittingly audacious                                       
In a manner loquacious,                                     
"Ah, now the tart opens her mouth!"                         
                                                            
15018 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE The Friar           T9801



Monica went over to see,                                    
And several differences found she.                          
For the English State head                                  
Did not take her to bed,                                    
And she bowed down on only one knee.                        
                                                            
15019 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Res Ipsa                 



"Miss Lewinsky, let's revise", said Doc Routh --            
There's his member and your cavity down south --            
There's your mouth and this pill --                         
Repeat, if you will --                                      
I PUT JUST THE PILL IN MY MOUTH!"                           
                                                            
15020 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE FCA                 P9803



Presidential oral acts came to pass                         
With Lewinsky, a chunky young lass.                         
But Bill didn't lie,                                        
And he'll tell you why:                                     
It ain't sex if you don't poke her ass!                     
                                                            
15021 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Frank Petersohn          



Young Monica, tempting and plump,                           
Wanted Billy to pat her fat rump.                           
She pulled off her thong                                    
And fondled his dong.                                       
Poor Hillary!  Bitch Goddess chump!                         
                                                            
15022 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE                          



"I'm afraid they will put me in jail.                       
She promised she wouldn't inhale.                           
I said she could kiss it;                                   
That's not too illicit.                                     
I kept it away from her tail."                              
                                                            
15023 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE M David Tilson           



There once was a President Bill                             
From an intern, he got a big thrill.                        
She chewed on his bone,                                     
But he wasn't alone:                                        
For she'd done half of Capitol Hill!                        
                                                            
15024 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE                          



Monica is Willy's bane,                                     
With stuff that can drive him insane,                       
The 'poison' instilled,                                     
By young lady skilled,                                      
Who insufflates now and again.   (breathes upon)            
                                                            
15025 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Chris Papa               



Says Monica to him: "Just between us                        
Is it possible someone has seen us?"                        
But the Pres says "Why no!                                  
On your knees - get set - go!"                              
And slips her the Presidential penis.                       
                                                            
15026 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE                          



There was a young girl from Hornatio,                       
Half the age of the Prez by ratio.                          
As an intern unpaid,                                        
She'd hoped to get laid,                                    
But the Prez only wanted fellatio.                          
                                                            
15027 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Jared Henry              



An intern, not yet twenty-six,                              
Found she could do wonders with dicks.                      
Though she had no spouse,                                   
She found the White House                                   
A place to perform all her tricks.                          
                                                            
15028 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - TECHNIQUE Scandalous Limerix       



She told Bawbwa Wawters her story --                        
Said she's in love, not just whore-y!                       
But she told all her friends,                               
Now we see how it ends --                                   
But here comes her moment of glory...                       
                                                            
15029 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



For her book went on sale the next day,                     
What a coincidence?  No way!                                
Though the interview was free,                              
She got such publicity --                                   
Everyone wanted to hear what she'd say!!!                   
                                                            
15030 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



Her performance truly was stellar,                          
When she talked about that Clinton feller --                
Who wishes they'd never met,                                
But he cannot forget,                                       
'Cause her book will be a best-seller!                      
                                                            
15031 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



Have you seen the new HUCKSTER this week?                   
For Jenny Craig food she does speak!                        
She looks thin and sweet!                                   
So tailored and neat,                                       
A career she's determined to seek!                          
                                                            
15032 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Maggie                   



I wonder just how it will go;                               
She lives in a fish bowl...you know.                        
She can't run away.                                         
Her fame's here to stay,                                    
But the media is really her foe.                            
                                                            
15033 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Maggie                   



For the rest of her life they will wait,                    
Just sitting right outside her gate!                        
They'll report each pound                                   
That goes up or down!                                       
Poor Monica!  Her weight is her fate!                       
                                                            
15034 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Maggie                   



There once was a President, Billy,                          
Who thought it was perfectly silly,                         
The Law should obstruct                                     
What he wished to be sucked,                                
In his office near Capitol Hilly.                           
                                                            
15035 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Douglas Anderson         



His intern, a Jew named Lewinsky,                           
Agreed and played tunes on his skins-key;                   
A knock on the door                                         
Nearly gagged the young whore,                              
Alarmed by the brazen butt-in-sky.                          
                                                            
15036 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Douglas Anderson         



Pearly juice on her face dribbled slimy,                    
On her dress in a mess, it was grimy,                       
She gargled that day                                        
In a strange sort of way,                                   
"It's been fun, but your fiver won't buy me!"               
                                                            
15037 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Douglas Anderson         



Months later the story unfolded,                            
Dear wifey and daughter both scolded,                       
But the country agreed                                      
That the Pres had his need,                                 
So get on with your lives, you've been tolded!              
                                                            
15038 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Douglas Anderson         



Bet that's why she squealed, did the girl;                  
If his pecker were bigger, she'd twirl                      
The thing in her mouth,                                     
Then make it go south,                                      
And say, "Bill, give my pussy a whirl!"                     
                                                            
15039 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Cheryl                   



But when she saw Bill's tiny winky,                         
She grimaced at the tiny dinky.                             
"I'll just have a lick;                                     
I'm no stupid chick;                                        
With book rights, I'll buy me a minky!"                     
                                                            
15040 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Cheryl                   



She's away now, on her book tour --                         
A strange thing it seems, for sure --                       
If it brought her such pain,                                
You'd think she'd refrain                                   
From publicity, but oh no!, not her!                        
                                                            
15041 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



She's on to things bigger and better;                       
Bet Billy will not soon forget 'er --                       
She so over-sexed,                                          
Hard telling who's next --                                  
Shall we take bets on which one will get 'er?               
                                                            
15042 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



Yes, Monica's over here signing                             
Her book, and she's wining and dining.                      
She's at Harrods, no less,                                  
In her pretty blue dress,                                   
With that stain on it still brightly shining.               
                                                            
15043 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



She asked me to buy her trash book,                         
So I unzipped and said "Take a look.                        
If you do to me,                                            
What you did to Bill C.                                     
Then maybe I might."  She just shook...                     
                                                            
15044 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



The girl said "You're out of luck.                          
I'm fussy about who I will suck.                            
Were you heir to the throne,                                
Then I might chew your bone,                                
But from you I will not make a buck."                       
                                                            
15045 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



The moral is: take a good look,                             
Next time that you're baiting your hook.                    
Make sure that's a worm                                     
In your hand there, that squirms,                           
Or your pecker you'll lose in the brook.                    
                                                            
15046 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



Monica said "Daddy mine,                                    
I had a very good time,                                     
Licking and sucking                                         
But never no fucking,                                       
So my reputation's just fine!"                              
                                                            
15047 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Arden                    



"Daughter, you silly fool!                                  
It's time that you followed this rule:                      
Spread wide on the bed                                      
Your legs for his head,                                     
So he can partake of your jewel."                           
                                                            
15048 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Arden                    



"But daddy, he has such a cock,                             
So solid and strong like a rock.                            
It fills my mouth                                           
Within and without;                                         
So, please now get over your shock!"                        
                                                            
15049 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Arden                    



'Twas Monica's sweet siren song                             
That led old Slick Will to go wrong.                        
She batted her eyes                                         
And wiggled her thighs,                                     
And gave him a peek at her thong!                           
                                                            
15050 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



Then lured by the siren song singer,                        
This, in turn, then caused him to linger.                   
The rest is no mystery,                                     
What happened is history;                                   
It led to the wagging of finger!                            
                                                            
15051 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES                            



Bill Clinton sat through depositions;                       
And was asked 'bout erectile conditions.                    
"Do you have a strange cleft?                               
Does it bend to the left?                                   
Does it work best in certain positions?"                    
                                                            
15052 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   kj                       



John Lewinski, it's widely reported,                        
On tapes where her voice was recorded,                      
More calm than nervous,                                     
Slipped by Secret Service                                   
To engage in matters most sordid.                           
                                                            
15053 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   kj                       



Where will this strange saga end?                           
Will we learn if Bill's wank has a bend?                    
Or do we even care,                                         
Just what he does there,                                    
Or with whom, where or why, how or when?                    
                                                            
15054 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   kj                       



I suspect it is all a facade;                               
Bill gives us a wink and a nod.                             
Whoever he's doing,                                         
We all get a screwing                                       
From his politics, if not his rod!                          
                                                            
15055 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   kj                       



It's too bad it got on the dress, dear,                     
Now make sure of the evidence, clear,                       
And wash nice and clean,                                    
So somebody mean.                                           
Can't trace DNA back to here.                               
                                                            
15056 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Chris Papa               



I know they're not appropriate lines,                       
But I'm worried about censure and fines,                    
And impeachment stuff,                                      
The Senate plays tough,                                     
If it gets some factual signs.                              
                                                            
15057 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Chris Papa               



So please dry your face, mustn't kiss;                      
I can't touch your bod, my dear miss.                       
All juries I'll vex,                                        
'Cause this isn't sex.                                      
Though it don't get no better than this!                    
                                                            
15058 CLINTON - LEWINSKY - ZSERIES   Chris Papa               



I'm Clinton, the Nation's First Cheat;                      
I can diddle the man on the street                          
Into truly believing                                        
I'm only deceiving                                          
'Bout girls I've invited to eat.                            
                                                            
15059 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



All the chickens are loose from their coop                  
And the White House has flies in its soup.                  
Manure and flies                                            
And huge bald-faced lies                                    
Are designed to make all of us dupes.                       
                                                            
15060 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



D'Amato says "Come and engage us."                          
Lack of memory's truly outrageous.                          
Al's not very amused;                                       
They are all dazed and confused.                            
Alzheimer's, we find, is contagious.                        
                                                            
15061 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The Liars list astronomical,                                
One dude with truth comical.                                
I dare to surmise                                           
Just where the truth lies,                                  
Below the belt anatomical.                                  
                                                            
15062 CLINTON - LIES                 Marsha Magee             



It is not 'cause he lies, that you're blue                  
In the face, or because of his screw-                       
Ing unfaithfully...no.                                      
You hate bill -- now I know!                                
Because he lies better than you!                            
                                                            
15063 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



It's a record of crime he'll bequeath;                      
From Bill's foot, we'll soon crawl from beneath.            
Between truth and the lie,                                  
Is a big gap, Oh my!                                        
As the one between Letterman's teeth.                       
                                                            
15064 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton said  "I know how hard you've tried,                
But you do not have proof that we've lied.                  
My record's not blighted.                                   
We've not been indicted."                                   
(But neither were Bonnie and Clyde)                         
                                                            
15065 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm old now (though long in the tooth)                      
But remember one time in my youth                           
When both were quite young,                                 
By some slip of the tongue,                                 
The Clintons both spouted the truth!                        
                                                            
15066 CLINTON - LIES                                          



Teaching values, on parents rely;                           
Just be truthful and don't falsify.                         
With parents deceptive                                      
Forgive the invective,                                      
Who'll teach Chelsea that she shouldn't lie.                
                                                            
15067 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Many years he's hidden what he did,                         
The illegitimate son he hid.                                
It's that kind of shame                                     
That gave him the name --                                   
President Clinton the cum back kid.                         
                                                            
15068 CLINTON - LIES                 Tom Patton               



Clinton's campaign is coming undone.                        
He has problems he cannot outrun.                           
The deeds he produced                                       
Have come home to roost.                                    
He'll go down wrapped in webs that he spun.                 
                                                            
15069 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The camel's back just got its last straw.                   
There are two things that just rub me raw.                  
The source of my cries                                      
Are all those damned lies,                                  
And Clintons contempt for the law.                          
                                                            
15070 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



If it's true what the pollsters all say,                    
Bill Clinton will carry the day.                            
With our cash and his lies,                                 
He'll have purchased the prize,                             
And his cronies will have the last bray.                    
                                                            
15071 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm tired of old Billy Boy's bleating,                      
As well as his lying and cheating.                          
This shameless, moral cretin                                
Won't quit till he's beaten;                                
He's a guy who deserves a defeating.                        
                                                            
15072 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



When Bill said he didn't inhale,                            
Who knew that that lie would turn pale.                     
Now he strongly asserts                                     
That he didn't insert;                                      
What next big lie will our Chief hail?                      
                                                            
15073 CLINTON - LIES                 Gearhart                 



The speeches, debates and the patter,                       
Add up to a whole bunch of clatter.                         
When our minds are quite numb                               
We'll be sufficiently dumb                                  
So to us the truth simply won't matter.                     
                                                            
15074 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill feels pain as he tries to inspire us,                  
And he finds hiring liars desirous.                         
Those who come to him clean                                 
Soon turn nasty and mean,                                   
As they all catch the ebola virus.                          
(ebola virus is bad)                                        
15075 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



When Billy first heard of the draft,                        
He toked him a weed and he laughed.                         
"I'll tell them I'm dead --                                 
Or like mama said,                                          
I'll escape in a Whitewater raft!"                          
                                                            
15076 CLINTON - LIES                 Marsha Magee             



The people who know me the best                             
Understand why it's Bill I detest.                          
I simply despise                                            
A man who tells lies                                        
While he secretly feathers his nest.                        
                                                            
15077 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's good at the old game of shells,                      
And the many smooth stories he tells;                       
Things legal, just barely,                                  
Forthcoming, quite rarely,                                  
And full of the fishiest smells.                            
                                                            
15078 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



White Chief's trouble breed like jack rabbit.               
Forked tongue seem to be Clinton habit.                     
Forget beads and trinkets!                                  
When buffalo stink, it                                      
Smell better than Wild Bill or Babbit.                      
                                                            
15079 CLINTON - LIES                 Marsha Magee             



As we know, the Pres didn't screw;                          
He's said so, so it must be true.                           
And if I could tell lies                                    
As good as that guy's,                                      
I'd have Gates's fortune times two!                         
                                                            
15080 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



It sounds more like clamor and din                          
Of those voters who got taken in;                           
That Bill Clinton's so good                                 
Of a liar, he could...                                      
Oh my God, so you voted for him!?!                          
                                                            
15081 CLINTON - LIES                 MIke                     



Bill Clinton views truth with contempt;                     
To hide it, he makes no attempt.                            
The assortment of lies                                      
From the mouth of this guy                                  
Shows that somehow he thinks he's exempt.                   
                                                            
15082 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The odds of impeachment are long,                           
With the public opinion so strong.                          
But when Bill tells you lies                                
Looking straight in your eyes,                              
Two thirds of the public is wrong.                          
                                                            
15083 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



Trial's over, as brought by Ken Starr.                      
The vote was close, but no cigar.                           
His office, black and tarry,                                
The Pres says he's sorry.                                   
Why of course, Mr Clinton, you are.                         
                                                            
15084 CLINTON - LIES                 Frank Petersohn          



So we have a sex predator Prez;                             
We can't believe anything he says.                          
He strays far and wide                                      
For sex on the side;                                        
After all the guys wife is a lez.                           
                                                            
15085 CLINTON - LIES                                          



At dodging the truth, Bill's a pro.                         
It's a trick that he learned long ago.                      
When the questions get rough,                               
He just sticks to his bluff                                 
And hopes we won't see his nose grow.                       
                                                            
15086 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill leaves himself open wide,                              
With women, and deals on the side.                          
And you can just bet,                                       
We ain't seen nothing yet --                                
We'll all see how much he has lied.                         
                                                            
15087 CLINTON - LIES                 Arden                    



I really regret it a lot,                                   
But I thought I would never get caught!                     
Yet I do not regret                                         
Having said "I forget..."                                   
I distinctly recall I forgot!                               
                                                            
15088 CLINTON - LIES                 George Masche            



There see, another word new,                                
Describing things Willy will do.                            
A truth teller, NOT,                                        
Just look what we've got,                                   
Bad President law must pursue.                              
                                                            
15089 CLINTON - LIES                 Chris Papa               



Choose a slogan for Bill and his mate,                      
That's befitting this great head of state.                  
Because they're so sleazy,                                  
This one's real easy:                                       
If you enter, leave truth at the gate!                      
                                                            
15090 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Lewinsky, with lawyer in tow,                          
To shield Bill, will accept every blow.                     
Did either or both                                          
Tell lies under oath?                                       
That's the thing that we all want to know.                  
                                                            
15091 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



To lyin', cheatin', and thievin';                           
'Cause liars are so worth believin'.                        
Cheatin's applauded                                         
And thieves have been lauded --                             
We elect them as presidents even.                           
                                                            
15092 CLINTON - LIES                 MrMalo                   



As with Hoffa, a crook of my youth,                         
His supporters use methods uncouth,                         
To attack his attackers                                     
And back up his backers,                                    
And not give a damn for the truth.                          
                                                            
15093 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Some Sundays, Clintons do church attend;                    
It looks like marriage on the mend.                         
But the man is a cheat,                                     
Liking bitches in heat.                                     
Do you think all of this, is pretend?                       
                                                            
15094 CLINTON - LIES                 Tom Simon                



Obfuscation by Willy's been mastered;                       
Jean Lewis they thought they had plastered.                 
Oh my, what she wrote                                       
Over these words you gloat?                                 
Of course, he is one lying bastard.                         
                                                            
15095 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



If your speaking in "Clintonese",                           
Words twist and turn in the breeze.                         
You never say die,                                          
If caught in a lie,                                         
Just piss off the old Taiwanese!                            
                                                            
15096 CLINTON - LIES                 Marsh Magee        TP9807



My conscience in working uncouth                            
Has taken ten years off my youth.                           
With a thought that's so awful,                             
It should be unlawful:                                      
What if Bill's telling the truth?                           
                                                            
15097 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



Explanations truthless, MENDACIOUS,                         
Remain false, though somewhat more gracious                 
Than baldly lying                                           
Or even trying                                              
To hide the spots of acts fellatious.                       
                                                            
15098 CLINTON - LIES                 Daniel Ford              



Though President's answers fallacious,                      
On matters that are quite salacious,                        
Suggest he's a liar,                                        
The tag that is higher,                                     
Just say he's merely MENDACIOUS.                            
                                                            
15099 CLINTON - LIES                 Chris Papa               



A closer look at the checks verify                          
Some appear to be signed by the same guy.                   
And suspicions were stirred                                 
By the same misspelled word                                 
And suggest something's definitely awry.                    
                                                            
15100 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



It ain't the economy stupid!                                
It ain't about Willie and Cupid!                            
It's about the truth shading                                
And all of us wading, in                                    
BS so deep you can't scoop it!                              
                                                            
15101 CLINTON - LIES                                          



Bill must testify; he can't escape.                         
They will film him while up at the Cape.                    
Reputation precedes,                                        
So a title it needs;                                        
It is "Sex, Lies, and Videotape!"                           
                                                            
15102 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Many husbands, intent upon cheatin'                         
Have pleaded some "Top-Secret meetin'".                     
But few have the temerity                                   
To claim "National Security"                                
As an alibi, that one can't be beaten!                      
                                                            
15103 CLINTON - LIES                                          



I'm sorry that sex is the reason                            
He's in trouble, I wish it were treason.                    
It isn't the sexing                                         
Anyone should find vexing,                                  
But lying is never in season.                               
                                                            
15104 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



Though it sometimes is hard to perplex,                     
On our brainwaves Bill has put a hex.                       
Please help me understand,                                  
Crushing smokes in his hand,                                
He fights lying and drug use and sex.                       
                                                            
15105 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I wish that I had a buck                                    
For every lie from that fuck.                               
I'd have more dough                                         
Than Ross Perot,                                            
But I've never had that much luck.                          
                                                            
15106 CLINTON - LIES                 Gearhart                 



This man from Hope is into pandering;                       
Using the 'hot line' for phone sex bantering.               
And will Bill tell lies                                     
Right into your eyes,                                       
When declaring he's not into philandering.                  
                                                            
15107 CLINTON - LIES                 MrMalo                   



Even I'd lie in his place,                                  
But I'd never keep up with his pace.                        
I'd wiggle and squirm                                       
As I'd swear or affirm,                                     
And I never could keep a straight face.                     
                                                            
15108 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



When the Clinton's are caught in a goof,                    
They ignore it by staying aloof.                            
Then comes the pouting,                                     
And finally the shouting,                                   
"Oh Yeah! You don't have any proof!"                        
                                                            
15109 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A promise Bill makes just for fun,                          
Is changed before his speech is done.                       
Maybe we heard it wrong,                                    
'Cause it lasts just as long                                
As a Big Mac aboard Air Force One.                          
                                                            
15110 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



An attorney's most priviliged client,                       
On perjury charges defiant,                                 
Contritely with pride,                                      
Said, although he'd not lied,                               
On his word, you should not be reliant.                     
                                                            
15111 CLINTON - LIES                 Prof M-G           TP9901



A few turns with interns is a sort                          
Of innocent animal sport;                                   
So underneath he may lie                                    
Side or top, he may try,                                    
But it's kinky to lie to the Court.                         
                                                            
15112 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



At lying, Bill Clinton's quite deft;                        
Of humor, he's completely bereft.                           
If he undergoes surgery                                     
To excise his purjury,                                      
There just won't be anything left.                          
                                                            
15113 CLINTON - LIES                 Popsicle           TP9807



William J, you're a hell of a guy,                          
Dodging scandals so slickly and sly.                        
As each one unfolds                                         
You move up in the polls,                                   
And your numbers improve with each lie.                     
                                                            
15114 CLINTON - LIES                                          



Some of Bill's friends were appalled                        
To hear him deny he got balled.                             
It's better than cancers                                    
To get out the answers,                                     
Or off to the jail he'll get hauled.                        
                                                            
15115 CLINTON - LIES                 M David Tilson           



The Right compares Clinton to Nero.                         
His sex life, they say, counts for zero.                    
The crime, they decide,                                     
Is that the man lied.                                       
(And Oliver North is their hero?)                           
                                                            
15116 CLINTON - LIES                                          



You may call it a donkey, alas,                             
But defense of the crooks cannot pass.                      
To respond to your spin,                                    
Here is where you begin;                                    
Is that your party's symbol's an ass.                       
                                                            
15117 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Hillarys mad as a hornet!                               
'Cause Bill was screwing a strumpet.                        
But Bill had his day;                                       
He made them all pay;                                       
His perjury charges, he'd trump it.                         
                                                            
15118 CLINTON - LIES                                          



Clouds of doom block the White House sunshine,              
Casting shadows on those who've been lyin'.                 
Our two heads of state                                      
May soon get the gate.                                      
If they had any class, they'd resign.                       
                                                            
15119 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



"Factually challenged" is a kind way of saying              
You can't trust a Democrat's braying.                       
Telling lies with each breath,                              
Scaring old folks to death;                                 
It's their style of "political haying".                     
                                                            
15120 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Why, sure the Republicans feed                              
Off of lies, that's just natural greed.                     
But Bill makes so many                                      
They aren't worth a penny;                                  
Empty calories, poor fare indeed!                           
                                                            
15121 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The President having seen action                            
Thought he'd had full satisfaction                          
Then the news of the day                                    
And an urge made him say,                                   
"I want to retract my retraction."                          
                                                            
15122 CLINTON - LIES                                          



It's amazing that Clinton still tries                       
To pull the wool over your eyes.                            
When we finally awoke,                                      
And got rid of the smoke,                                   
We could see clearly through all the lies.                  
                                                            
15123 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



On abroad or a broad, there's no doubt                      
He's wasted executive clout                                 
For each sordid affair                                      
For bombs bursting in air;                                  
LIE-a-BILL it's yet to run out.                             
                                                            
15124 CLINTON - LIES                 Esther Koch              



Would Billy Boy grope while he'd schvanze her?              
Will history forever esconce her                            
As the queen of baloney                                     
Or true testimony?                                          
More after a word from our sponsor!                         
                                                            
15125 CLINTON - LIES                 MrMalo                   



Team Clinton is spinning at top speed;                      
Starr and Congress got a bad nose bleed.                    
"Proving perjury's tough.                                   
Bill's suffered enough!"                                    
We'll not get spun but pureed.                              
                                                            
15126 CLINTON - LIES                 Sumerman                 



Bill Clinton's no man of conviction;                        
Avoiding truth is a lifelong affliction.                    
Mixing lies with the facts,                                 
We can never relax.                                         
To him, truth is stranger than fiction.                     
                                                            
15127 CLINTON - LIES                 Squeaky            TP9806



Let's try counting the lies that they tell;                 
Some think the first couple are swell.                      
If you've not had your fill,                                
And you still believe Bill,                                 
Here's some swampland that I'd like to sell.                
                                                            
15128 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Liasons, Bill Clinton recalls,                              
As his ass into court Ken Starr hauls.                      
Now Billy is shitting.                                      
It's probably fitting,                                      
Testimony means swear on your balls.                        
                                                            
15129 CLINTON - LIES                 Jayne                    



In this country you don't need to lie,                      
When the court says you must testify.                       
"Taking the Fifth"                                          
Is a Bill of Rights gift --                                 
But Clinton would rather be sly.                            
                                                            
15130 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



Clinton's slicing his words like a surgeon,                 
Tying to stem the lies that burgeon.                        
The person deposed,                                         
What's next, I suppose,                                     
He'll say he's a technical virgin.                          
                                                            
15131 CLINTON - LIES                 Frank Petersohn          



When the truth and falsehood collide,                       
It does not push Bill Clinton off stride.                   
For a guy who's so smart,                                   
He cant' tell them apart.                                   
But I don't really think he has tried.                      
                                                            
15132 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Judge Thomas was said to have lied,                         
And Packwood was chased till he flied.                      
Condemnation so hearty                                      
Depends on your party,                                      
Since Willie still gets a free ride.                        
                                                            
15133 CLINTON - LIES                 Publius            TP9901



I somehow just don't give a shit                            
If Clinton is getting some clit.                            
It's the charges of perjury                                 
That brought the grand jury,                                
And I am just tired of it.                                  
                                                            
15134 CLINTON - LIES                 Gearhart                 



In the U.S. (or even Missouri),                             
You're sure to invoke the court's fury,                     
If you take a chance                                        
On illicit romance,                                         
THEN LIE UNDER OATH TO A JURY!                              
                                                            
15135 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



On Clinton's story, I'm not sold;                           
Nor on his defense, thought quite bold.                     
But I believe the guy                                       
Asked no one to lie.                                        
For my money, I think they were told.                       
                                                            
15136 CLINTON - LIES                 Tom Simon                



If age seventy is "long in the tooth",                      
Why is fifty considered "a youth".                          
If based upon lies,                                         
How can clever man wise?                                    
What we need is a bridge to the truth.                      
                                                            
15137 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a guy named Bill,                                 
Who had a steadfast will,                                   
He thought it was hip,                                      
To undo his zip,                                            
Now he awaits a starry grill.                               
                                                            
15138 CLINTON - LIES                                          



Telling truth, if only Bill would;                          
Since a youngster, this guy's been a hood.                  
His pants are on fire.                                      
Says Kerry, "As liar,                                       
Willy's proven unusually good."                             
                                                            
15139 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Deposition is one way of prying,                            
To unearth crimes from which you've been shying.            
But if you did commit it,                                   
Simply do not admit it.                                     
It's up to them to prove you are lying.                     
                                                            
15140 CLINTON - LIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Clinton, the master of lies;                            
I can look you straight in the eyes                         
And question what "is"                                      
'Cause I'm a whiz                                           
At fooling you gullible guys.                               
                                                            
15141 CLINTON - LIES                 John Miller              



Droning on about sexual predators,                          
Those republicans need a few editors.                       
Then they cut to the tape                                   
And I sit there agape,                                      
And think who would not fuck that head o' hers?             
                                                            
15142 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



I guess they just don't fucking get it;                     
Don't they realize how long they'll regret it?              
She polished his knob;                                      
So he got her a job;                                        
Would they do the same? You bet it!                         
                                                            
15143 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



When every cheap two-bit queenie,                           
Who sucked on some GOP weenie,                              
Comes out of the closet                                     
With a semen deposit,                                       
They'll resign; that's the end; its finis.                  
                                                            
15144 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



Hell, we don't give a shit about that                       
Until some hypocritical rat,                                
Like that predator Hyde,                                    
Says the president lied,                                    
About whether he fingered her twat.                         
                                                            
15145 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



Now henry, come on, man, get a life!                        
For that we have all of this strife?                        
He lied to us all?                                          
Perhaps we should call                                      
And find out what you told your wife?                       
                                                            
15146 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



Their whole case is so ineffectual;                         
The transcripts are too fucking textual.                    
The video blows,                                            
All it ever shows                                           
Is that Monica is some kinda sexual.                        
                                                            
15147 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



Its break time; they now take a breather.                   
I sit back and think how I'd teethe her.                    
But then what about                                         
If the wife found out?                                      
Hell I wouldn't tell any one either.                        
                                                            
15148 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



In the interests of scandal avoidal,                        
When one prefers oral to coital,                            
One should not be so reckless                               
As to leave a pearl necklace;                               
Ones aim should be more adenoidal.                          
                                                            
15149 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES                                



Ken Starr is so free with our money                         
To prove Bill is into strange cunny.                        
"So who give a shit,                                        
You big hypocrite,                                          
That his dick's always reeking of tunny?"                   
                                                            
15150 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       OgniGioia                



That his dick stinks in not the surprise;                   
It's the record of intrigue and lies.                       
So who gives a shit?                                        
We ought to, you twit.                                      
So endure such a schmuck's hardly wise.                     
                                                            
15151 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       John Miller              



The point you seem to have missed,                          
That seems to be just the jist.                             
Not the action alone                                        
That caused us to moan,                                     
What came after is what gets me pissed.                     
                                                            
15152 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Gearhart                 



The witness tampering and lying                             
Are the things that Starr is prying,                        
To bring up and out                                         
A felony, no doubt.                                         
To impede Starr, Clinton is trying.                         
                                                            
15153 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Gearhart                 



My friend, you are perfectly right.                         
For no matter how bad Clinton's plight,                     
And how grievous his sin,                                   
I still think he'll win,                                    
And make M's accusations look slight.                       
                                                            
15154 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Andrew Walker BBC        



But there is just one consolation,                          
Which we'll reach after due contemplation.                  
Future students of history,                                 
Will clear up the mystery,                                  
Of his sordid and flawed reputation.                        
                                                            
15155 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Andrew Walker BBC        



But I'm not here to bash all the Yanks,                     
They're my friends and I give them my thanks.               
But what makes me quite sick,                               
Is the thought of this hick,                                
With his dick hanging out of his pants.                     
                                                            
15156 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Andrew Walker BBC        



I am sorry to sound so uncouth,                             
For the problem is not sex but truth.                       
Telling lies to the court,                                  
It not the world's favorite sport;                          
What example to set for our youth!                          
                                                            
15157 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Andrew Walker BBC        



I try just as hard as I can,                                
But with Bill I am just not a fan.                          
His palms seem more sticky                                  
Than those of Tricky Dicky.                                 
Would you buy a used girl from this man?                    
                                                            
15158 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Andrew Walker BBC        



We knew from the start that he lied.                        
"I had to", the President replied,                          
To spare Chelsea deep shame                                 
And the disgrace of her name.                               
A victim-less crime you espied.                             
                                                            
15159 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       M David Tilson           



In all the world this could unfold                          
In only America, I'm told.                                  
Where lawyers can take                                      
A blow job and make                                         
Trash of our good Constitution.                             
                                                            
15160 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       M David Tilson           



The Founding Fathers, you see,                              
Were even smarter than me.                                  
For a balance of power                                      
To keep peace in the bower,                                 
Was the way that they meant it to be.                       
                                                            
15161 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       M David Tilson           



No to me, it remains a mystery,                             
Why now at this time in our history                         
That a judicial fringe                                      
Could go on a binge                                         
And play politics with the judiciary.                       
                                                            
15162 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       M David Tilson           



I think its become like Vietnam                             
The price of a win has become                               
So horrifically blue,                                       
I will offer a clue:                                        
Both sides say they've won and move on.                     
                                                            
15163 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       M David Tilson           



His enemies all like to boast                               
We had to do this to make toast.                            
With this goal forthright                                   
They've lost the foresight,                                 
To want it no matter what cost.                             
                                                            
15164 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       M David Tilson           



For God's sake, I plead with Ken Starr                      
To stop his disgrace of the bar.                            
For history will say                                        
For the rest of our days                                    
That he was the real White-wa-tarr!                         
                                                            
15165 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       M David Tilson           



If your crimes were one tenth of his'n,                     
You'd surely be rotting in prison.                          
You'd sit there in jail,                                    
Not even make bail,                                         
And stay 'till the dead had all risen.                      
                                                            
15166 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       John Miller              



If my crimes were equal to his,                             
Lying about where I spent jizz,                             
The D.A. would say,                                         
Prosecution?...No Way!                                      
We're not in the muck-raking biz.                           
                                                            
15167 CLINTON - LIES - ZSERIES       Tutta Gioia              



Is the President still on the make?                         
Can he eat it and still have his cake?                      
Or was this young nipper                                    
Ever in Bill's zipper?                                      
We'll find out right after this break...                    
                                                            
15168 CLINTON - MEDIA                MrMalo                   



Tom Brokaw and Jennings and Rather                          
Aboard ship were fated to gather.                           
They played Anchors Aweigh                                  
When they fell in the bay.                                  
Thank God we're all through with their blather.             
                                                            
15169 CLINTON - MEDIA                OgniGioia                



On some subjects I'll speak philosophic;                    
For some causes I'm quite philanthropic.                    
When scanning the news,                                     
I get the blues                                             
Cause everyone's on the same topic.                         
                                                            
15170 CLINTON - MEDIA                Gearhart                 



Now can politics ever be the same?                          
Who wants to play in this cruel game?                       
Hot a Hyde or Burton,                                       
Reputations are hurtin';                                    
The media and Ken Starr are to blame.                       
                                                            
15171 CLINTON - MEDIA                Sumerman                 



Clinton treats the campaign like it's chess,                
Sending pawns out to clean up the mess.                     
And when Bill's speech is done,                             
He takes off at a run,                                      
To avoid meeting up with the press.                         
                                                            
15172 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



With respect, we must humbly refuse                         
To limerick on the state of the news                        
Of this sexual arrangment.                                  
(Damn good entertainment...                                 
Not a subject we'd normally choose)...                      
(fake BBC disclaimer)                                       
15173 CLINTON - MEDIA                Kim & Sam                



The Senate now Clinton is fearing;                          
Technology seems most endearing.                            
The new v-chips he'll use                                   
In attempts to confuse.                                     
Perhaps he can block out the hearing?                       
                                                            
15174 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Ross Perot, even though he's pintsize,                      
Is running and hopes for first prize.                       
Bob Dole smells defeat;                                     
Clinton's fast on his feet;                                 
He'll run (to Mc-D for french fries.)                       
                                                            
15175 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Did the girl drive bill to distraction                      
With a promise of oral action?                              
Is she lying? Who knows?                                    
Did it all come to blows?                                   
Will we have to print a retraction?                         
                                                            
15176 CLINTON - MEDIA                Skumbunny                



We want truth but the press merely shrugs.                  
They think readers are stupid as slugs.                     
Our anger is swollen;                                       
The country's been stolen                                   
By a group of those Arkansas thugs.                         
                                                            
15177 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Of anger, Bill sure has a fistful;                          
His plan has become clear as crystal.                       
He is set for a duel                                        
With that Safire fool;                                      
Let's vote who gets Hamilton's pistol.                      
                                                            
15178 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



The U.S. Senate has just started pokin',                    
Into claims campaign laws have been broken.                 
Those who try to impede,                                    
And intentionally mislead,                                  
Will find out that Fred Thompson's not jokin'!              
                                                            
15179 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



The news media's left-leaning slant                         
Persuades those with the brain of an ant                    
To ignore what is true,                                     
Till they haven't a clue                                    
That their king is a giant eggplant!                        
                                                            
15180 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



With a twist of words, you've been punned.                  
When smacked back in school, you were nunned.               
Now between you and me,                                     
Here's a phrase from TV;                                    
When screwed over, you say you been "chunged".              
(Connie Chung got Newt's mother to call Rodham a bitch!)    
15181 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Tripp's tapes meant those holding press passes,             
Could talk dirty; preach to the masses,                     
Till the last polls told them no.                           
Bill Clinton is our ho,                                     
Now they're left with their heads up their asses.           
                                                            
15182 CLINTON - MEDIA                                         



Helen Thomas, from the D.C. Press Corp,                     
Fired the question Bill couldn't ignore:                    
Is the White House for sale?                                
Bill Clinton turned pale.                                   
Helen can't buy Bill's act anymore.                         
                                                            
15183 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



The Clintons both live with elation,                        
While the public is kept under sedation,                    
By the media which tries,                                   
With it's incessant lies,                                   
To keep them from incarceration.                            
                                                            
15184 CLINTON - MEDIA                Popsicle           TP9807



The circus goes on unabated,                                
As new charges are allegated.                               
Never the facts;                                            
They're all grinding an axe.                                
Quote: Inside sources have stated...                        
                                                            
15185 CLINTON - MEDIA                MrMalo                   



Hillary dickery dock,                                       
They're sucking your husband's cock.                        
The clock struck three,                                     
It's on TV.                                                 
Hillary dickery dock.                                       
                                                            
15186 CLINTON - MEDIA                Steven Martin Cohen      



Clean or dirty, jokes show to the eyes,                     
What details often tend to disguise.                        
So it's easy to see                                         
(They protest in DC?)                                       
Bedfellows, not so odd, sex and lies.                       
                                                            
15187 CLINTON - MEDIA                                         



In his pants, the press should not be;                      
That principle is clear to me.                              
From his pants, they would stay                             
If he kept it put away,                                     
Instead of out for the women to see.                        
                                                            
15188 CLINTON - MEDIA                Mike Hunter              



At Willy, the press won't stop beaming;                     
With stories of Bill they are dreaming.                     
Though they put up a fight,                                 
They're brought into the light,                             
Albeit, they're kicking and screaming.                      
                                                            
15189 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



I think the whole thing is a fable,                         
And the liberal press will enable                           
A blockage of views                                         
And call it the News;                                       
Look, this guy's source is his table.                       
                                                            
15190 CLINTON - MEDIA                Anon                     



Bill's reign should be short if not sweet;                  
Going down in glorious defeat,                              
At the hands of the press;                                  
Rife with liberals, I guess                                 
And a system in moral retreat.                              
                                                            
15191 CLINTON - MEDIA                John Miller              



Bill stammered and tried hard to frame                      
An answer to shift all the blame.                           
Much to his dismay                                          
The Press had a heyday,                                     
Till Bill finally limped off looking lame.                  
                                                            
15192 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



In the war to be "King of the Polls",                       
The news media sold out their souls.                        
Elections aren't games!                                     
They should be ashamed!                                     
New reporters should examine their goals.                   
                                                            
15193 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



When I watch network newscasts today,                       
I know I can't trust what they say.                         
They've developed a knack                                   
Of mixing fiction and fact.                                 
When you mix white and black, you get grey.                 
                                                            
15194 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



It's not that we all have desire                            
To see politicians on fire,                                 
It's just that the news                                     
Has no way to cruise,                                       
Unless it can steep us in mire.                             
                                                            
15195 CLINTON - MEDIA                KJR                      



Another new legal dance                                     
Around an illict romance.                                   
The worst of this mess                                      
Is the fact that our press                                  
Has its nose in the President's pants.                      
                                                            
15196 CLINTON - MEDIA                MrMalo                   



If a camera is pointed Bill's way,                          
He slips into his role right away.                          
To the press, he can lie.                                   
At a funeral? He'll cry.                                    
"Photo ops" are his game-winning play.                      
                                                            
15197 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



What next? It's not easy to guess;                          
More sheet sniffing leaks to the press.                     
The power judicial                                          
Is quite prejudicial,                                       
When politically used to distress.                          
                                                            
15198 CLINTON - MEDIA                M David Tilson           



Bill's experiencing something brand new:                    
The press isn't bowing on cue.                              
Clinton can't get much spin                                 
With his Teflon worn thin.                                  
They're getting wise but it's long overdue.                 
                                                            
15199 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Now, lovers of Clinton, don't flame;                        
From Clinton News Network this came                         
With a "Breaking News" banner,                              
Which then in some manner                                   
Was erased. Well, now, ain't that a shame?                  
                                                            
15200 CLINTON - MEDIA                John Miller              



The president had a big fit                                 
And complained of what newsmen had writ.                    
He said, "Take my advice                                    
Try to write something nice."                               
The newsmen would rather eat shit.                          
                                                            
15201 CLINTON - MEDIA                Albin Chaplin            



Sam Donaldson's back on The Hill,                           
Putting pressure on President Bill.                         
He seems glad to be back,                                   
At the front of the pack,                                   
Exercising his fact-finding skills.                         
                                                            
15202 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's friends in the media strive                       
To make sure that their candidate thrives.                  
"Good news!" takes the stage                                
Right on the front page,                                    
But the scandals always land on page five.                  
                                                            
15203 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



The temple of justice still glitters,                       
The News seeks new sins for its twitters.                   
Each wanted to sleuth but                                   
In this case to truth cut,                                  
The comics with skits and sidesplitters.                    
                                                            
15204 CLINTON - MEDIA                                         



They set up a partisan sting                                
About Clinton's adulterous fling.                           
It's the economy, stupid!                                   
So forget about cupid,                                      
But the media know sex is king.                             
                                                            
15205 CLINTON - MEDIA                                         



It took time to be nailed for this dud;                     
There are crooks both in Justice and HUD.                   
Now that Willy is charred,                                  
Cokie Roberts hits hard,                                    
Claiming sharks are now smelling the blood.                 
                                                            
15206 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



I think I have got the right view!                          
Who cares if the Prez has a screw?                          
The Prez has done fine,                                     
Still all of you whine.                                     
I'm sick of this media spew.                                
                                                            
15207 CLINTON - MEDIA                LadyJ                    



There was an old fellow who ranted,                         
Till his TV receiver was canted                             
At a forty-five angle,                                      
So he could untangle                                        
The news he received that was slanted.                      
                                                            
15208 CLINTON - MEDIA                Albin Chaplin   3024-2761



Sipping tea with Red China's head man                       
Will advance Clinton's big global plan.                     
Will he give the old coot                                   
A snappy salute?                                            
And hope it's not shown on C-Span?                          
                                                            
15209 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill and Al are beginning to sweat.                         
They've been caught doing things they regret.               
With the press closing in,                                  
They have traded their grin                                 
For a big bottle of Tagamet.                                
                                                            
15210 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



The NY Times let out a howl;                                
It smells like it came from your bowel.                     
For election surety,                                        
He sold national security.                                  
When will the Dems throw in the towel.                      
                                                            
15211 CLINTON - MEDIA                Puff Adder               



...The Democrats throw in the towel?                        
Why do that when they feast cheek to jowl                   
At the trough with vile despots,                            
While the press calls it "cheap shots",                     
When we point out their leader is foul.                     
                                                            
15212 CLINTON - MEDIA                John Miller              



I'm Clinton!  Time's man of the year!                       
An honor I've earned, that is clear.                        
Now Time's no belittler;                                    
They rank me with Hitler.                                   
(And also with Starr, ain't that queer?)                    
                                                            
15213 CLINTON - MEDIA                John Miller              



Ms. Tripp, who was in the know,                             
Contacted her favorite news show.                           
And till Bill's unseated,                                   
We all will be treated                                      
To a nightly detailed blow-by-blow.                         
                                                            
15214 CLINTON - MEDIA                Nate Birkholz            



As we watch Clinton's White House ferment,                  
The press corp has picked up the scent.                     
Like a pack of lean hounds,                                 
They will track the smell down                              
And find out what the stink represents.                     
                                                            
15215 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's troubles are the only things                         
Airwaves and print to us bring.                             
I'll be happy to see                                        
What the ending will be,                                    
After that fat lady sings.                                  
                                                            
15216 CLINTON - MEDIA                Phylcarp                 



There's "congenital liar" in prose;                         
The temper of Willy arose.                                  
"If you don't hold me back,                                 
I am set to attack;                                         
I'll be smashing Bill Safire's nose."                       
                                                            
15217 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



TV news can be purged of this blight.                       
You can remove the left slant overnight.                    
Take a big wooden wedge                                     
And shove it under the edge                                 
Of the boob tube till the picture looks right.              
                                                            
15218 CLINTON - MEDIA                Jim Weaver Collection    



Some statistics we've gathered with ease,                   
And there's one that with Rodham we'll tease.               
Bill's been dropping his pants;                             
Let us figure the chance                                    
That he's not yet brought home a disease.                   
                                                            
15219 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Shuttlecock, also known as badminton,                       
Is the favorite game of Bill Clinton.                       
While his bird's been around,                               
Many ladies have found,                                     
Though it's bent, it shows no signs of quittin'.            
                                                            
15220 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Bluebird           TP9901



In the great southern state, Arkansas,                      
Live the meanest hogs you ever saw.                         
'Twixt the pigs they admire                                 
And a favorite-son liar,                                    
Bent pricks are not viewed as a flaw.                       
                                                            
15221 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     John Miller              



If Prez Clinton was watching his feet                       
He'd known there's another to meet.                         
But he missed the first pass                                
And fell flat on his ass;                                   
The ortho surgeon he'd greet!                               
                                                            
15222 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     WLP                      



Lamenting his humongous thighs,                             
Billy C wolfed down three more Moon Pies.                   
But when caught by the press                                
In yet one more huge mess,                                  
He said, "Oh shit! I'll just tell more lies."               
                                                            
15223 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Rosie                    



To die in the Senate is Borkian.                            
A Russian park death is called Gorkyan.                     
They have had quite enough,                                 
So the demos got tough;                                     
They voted Bill's doctor, Kevorkian.                        
                                                            
15224 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



For Bill, whisky just will not do;                          
What he needs is another screw.                             
He is so bad                                                
And Hill is so mad,                                         
That she's broken his bent dick in two.                     
                                                            
15225 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Karen                    



When George Bush parachuted through air,                    
He sailed down with high-spirited flair.                    
He landed with ease,                                        
Not hurting his knees,                                      
Unlike Bill in the White House wheelchair.                  
                                                            
15226 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



An uncommonly checkered past                                
Has left my opponents aghast;                               
When I get in a tight                                       
I can re-direct spite                                       
By supporting my role in a "cast".                          
                                                            
15227 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton submit to castration?                               
What a question that needs concentration.                   
On the one hand, the wife;                                  
In the other a knife;                                       
Say goodbye to the balls of our nation.                     
                                                            
15228 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Deep Goat          TP9807



Our good name erodes by ablation.                           
Let's spare further pain to our nation.                     
My object sublime:                                          
Set punish to crime;                                        
A fitting one's simply castration.                          
                                                            
15229 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Naz                      



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
So wonders his curious nation.                              
If his balls hit the floor                                  
Would it even the score                                     
And bring Congress complete jubilation?                     
                                                            
15230 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
It surely would cause a sensation!                          
A ruler without balls.                                      
For women this calls                                        
For a major, big celebration.                               
                                                            
15231 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Marty              TP9807



A privileged client's attorney                              
Embarked on a truth-seeking journey.                        
When the pres lost his dick                                 
To a blade nice and thick,                                  
He now carried his balls on a gurney!                       
                                                            
15232 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
If he felt it would end his frustration?                    
His addiction you know,                                     
Is to fellatio.                                             
I bet first he would try masturbation.                      
                                                            
15233 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     H WHELCHEL               



Your idea begets empathy,                                   
For one who's too quick with his 'fly',                    T
The permanent fix,                                          
Negating new tricks,                                        
Is kiss family jewels bye-bye.                              
                                                            
15234 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Chris Papa               



It's the greatest play yet from Slick Willy,                
As Kevorkian he met down in Philly.                         
"Someone you have to see;                                   
End my pain; please aggree.                                 
Dr. Jack, come on down and meet Hilly."                     
                                                            
15235 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
And indeed would that serve the nation?                     
I can just hear the calls,                                  
If you cut off his balls,                                   
"Keep those - 'cause the rest's no sensation!"              
                                                            
15236 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
Would it stop his eternal temptation?                       
It's giving me gas,                                         
These tales of grab-ass;                                    
Let's do it on Face the Nation!                             
                                                            
15237 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



The hair growing from Bill's pate and crown                 
Has been dyed shades of grey, blond and brown.              
Hair shades of this man                                     
Reflect his game plan,                                      
But are subject to change by sundown.                       
                                                            
15238 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



As I watched the inaugural affair,                          
It was hard to ignore Clinton's hair.                       
It made such a sight,                                       
As it gleamed silver-white,                                 
That I almost went blind from the glare.                    
                                                            
15239 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willy, at golfing's a klutz;                          
His short game is driving him nuts.                         
He's not very old,                                          
But he's often been told                                    
That there's something wrong with his putz.                 
                                                            
15240 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Popsicle           TP9807



Thoughts on Bill's sexual exploits are mixed,               
With the whole nation's focus transfixed.                   
Why don't we call a cab,                                    
And send Bill and his Lab                                   
To the vet and have both of them "fixed"?                   
                                                            
15241 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm sick of the vague, euphemistic                          
"Distinguishing characteristic."                            
Is it splotched? Is it bent?                                
All we know is she meant                                    
She can tell between some dicks and this dick.              
                                                            
15242 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



They said stairs were the reason Bill Clinton               
Was arrested from golfin' and sprintin'.                    
It sounded less wimpy                                       
Than saying, "He's gimpy                                    
From wrenching his knee at badminton."                      
                                                            
15243 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Cybergeezer              



Clinton's gravely voice is a clue                           
That his rasp is not due to the flu.                        
It could be allergies                                       
To dust, pollen, or fleas,                                  
Or he may have inhaled a Kazoo.                             
                                                            
15244 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



"Slick Willie! Look out!" yelled his host.                  
But the Slickster was drunker than most.                    
Slick Willie mis-stepped.                                   
More confused; less adept.                                  
Now a stiffer right knee he can boast.                      
                                                            
15245 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
To relieve his sexual frustration?                          
Or would he claim innocence,                                
No weapon his defense,                                      
Impotent in a united nation?                                
                                                            
15246 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



The bell rings, she questions who is it,                    
And the practical joke is exquisite.                        
Not aware of the prank,                                     
Rodham's heart quickly sank.                                
Jack Kevorkian came for a visit.                            
                                                            
15247 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



If Clinton had stayed in D.C.                               
Instead of Greg Norman's for tea,                           
That knee wouldn't pop,                                     
And he'd not have to hop                                    
Meeting Boris in old Helsinki.                              
                                                            
15248 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     WLP                      



Over problems he found hard to mull,                        
Bill was feeling so listless and dull.                      
As the doctor looked close,                                 
He finds Bill's morose.                                     
There's lamp fragments stuck to your skull.                 
                                                            
15249 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
I ask for the good of the Nation!                           
With his balls down the potty,                              
He'd less likely be naughty,                                
And the White House could get some aeration.                
                                                            
15250 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     OgniGioia                



His headaches Bill came to despise,                         
So a plan, Doc had quickly devised.                         
A lobotomy's done,                                          
But he's still having fun;                                  
Not removed was the part that tells lies.                   
                                                            
15251 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Of Bill's records we've seen but a few;                     
Tells the public they're not for review.                    
He will keep under wraps                                    
Rectal problems, perhaps.                                   
He's an asshole, so tell us what's new.                     
                                                            
15252 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



There seems to be a bit of a flap                           
About where medical records are at.                         
I'll bet Bill's afraid                                      
To reveal he got laid,                                      
And acquired a case of the clap.                            
                                                            
15253 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



It's her husband, she just couldn't please.                 
Bill sneaked out every chance he could seize.               
Doc made him feel sick,                                     
Until he learned the trick:                                 
Moby Dick's not a social disease.                           
                                                            
15254 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



It said in Bill's fortune cookie,                           
"Be blessed with lots of nookie".                           
He put on his specs;                                        
Twas an Indian hex:                                         
"Big blast with lots of nukeys!"                            
                                                            
15255 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



Bill felt ill when he sat down to dine;                     
Concentration's been on the decline.                        
After thorough exam,                                        
The doctor yelled "Damn,                                    
X-rays show there's no gonads or spine."                    
                                                            
15256 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Douglas C. Cogan    P9706



We watch Bill with utmost suspicion,                        
Because of his peculiar condition.                          
All you ladies watch out,                                   
For this lecherous lout                                     
Who has no nocturnal emission.                              
                                                            
15257 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Popsicle           TP9806



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
If he thought it an island vacation?                        
The bastard's so dumb,                                      
He'd gladly go numb,                                        
For a free trip to the new Cuban Nation.                    
                                                            
15258 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Deep Goat          TP9807



If instead it curves hard to the left,                      
Of my chuckle I'll not be bereft.                           
For if crooked as Bill,                                     
It will corkscrew until                                     
The starboard has just as much heft.                        
                                                            
15259 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     John Miller              



Bill's pecker, she says, is a sight;                        
If the truth ever does come to light,                       
I will sure get a laugh                                     
At the crook in his staff,                                  
If it leans very far to the right.                          
                                                            
15260 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     John Miller              



There once was a fellow named Willy,                        
Whose dingus was really a dilly.                            
Vas deferential duply,                                      
Meatuses quadruply --                                       
And the bend makes it really look silly.                    
                                                            
15261 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Arthur Deex         P9807



We now know how Bill is constructed                         
With Perony's disease; we're instructed.                    
And we know that the dress                                  
Is, Oh!  Such a mess!                                       
Thank God only Justice is obstructed.                       
                                                            
15262 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Tom Simon                



"It's a problem," Bill warned him, "don't mock,             
But I can't seem to get it up, Doc."                        
"Well sir, let me be frank,                                 
Like a writer draws blank,                                  
It's a case of philanderer's block!"                        
                                                            
15263 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



As a patron of Hollywood's arts,                            
I've borne many arrows and darts.                           
I did not think it cute,                                    
Based on Paula Jones' suit,                                 
The movie "Bill Clinton's Private Parts".                   
                                                            
15264 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



In a twist of events so bizarre,                            
I tripped on the way to my car                              
Add to Presidents I'm like;                                 
JFK, Truman, Ike,                                           
The names Gerald Ford, FDR.                                 
                                                            
15265 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



In Hobie Sound down by the sea,                             
I fell down and fucked up my knee.                          
The headlines are bunk,                                     
I swear I was not drunk;                                    
I just slipped when I stepped out to pee.                   
                                                            
15266 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



To help his arteries unclog,                                
Bill takes an early evening jog,                            
And then Hillary.                                           
A one...a two...a three                                     
And swears he sleeps just like a log.                       
                                                            
15267 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Irving Superior     P9301



There's been more than Flowers and Jones                    
Who've checked out the President's bones:                   
The Doc's microscope                                        
Removed any hope                                            
That he could grow larger gemstones.                        
                                                            
15268 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



He's quite a fellow, Bill Clinton!                          
Has eyes for the ladies - a glintin'.                       
When he damaged his "peter"                                 
They ordered (by the metre)                                 
Large wooden lengths to be splintin'.                       
                                                            
15269 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



As her time of child-rearing now fades,                     
Rodham's on one of her new crusades.                        
"Bill, I don't want to fight;                               
You must sleep here tonight,                                
But first you must be tested for AIDS.                      
                                                            
15270 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Said an intern to President Clinton,                        
I have given you up for Lenten.                             
Mardi Gras is over --                                       
But all's in the clover,                                    
Besides, you are twisted and benten.                        
                                                            
15271 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL     Marsha Magee             



It seems that the Big Man from Hope                         
Is nearing the end if his rope.                             
He won two elections                                        
But untimely erections,                                     
Are making him look like a dope.                            
                                                            
15272 CLINTON - MEDICAL/PHYSICAL                              



America's throne stands debased;                            
Good knights fail to see rogues disgraced.                  
And as our morals crumble                                   
Hardly a soul grumbles                                      
To a $ound economy i$ forgivene$$ traced.                   
                                                            
15273 CLINTON - MONEY                Sumerman                 



Raise some money, Bill's handlers advise.                   
Your fortunes may then see a rise.                          
Charging one hundred grand,                                 
They can come shake your hand,                              
And then chow down on Big Macs and fries.                   
                                                            
15274 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Campaign money does not grow on trees.                      
(Except trees that grow overseas.)                          
It should be no surprise                                    
Corruption clouded some eyes                                
When Asian cash floated on the breeze.                      
                                                            
15275 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



AG Reno and FBI Freeh                                       
Apologized to Fred T's committee.                           
Evidence is now plain,                                      
Bill's fundraising campaign                                 
Links Asian cash to the DNC.                                
                                                            
15276 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton sees clouds of doom overhead,                       
Linked to bribes and corruption widespread.                 
No matter how the folks vote,                               
There is not antidote.                                      
Clinton knows there are bad times ahead.                    
                                                            
15277 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Pauline, a bright Thai business gal                         
Knows her way 'round the D.C. locale.                       
And when her schedule is free,                              
She joins Clinton for Tea,                                  
And brings money to boost his morale.                       
                                                            
15278 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Rent out the White House? Why not?                          
Auction Abe's bedroom? So what?                             
The donations he'll gain                                    
Will finance Bill's campaign,                               
And it proves Democrats can be bought.                      
                                                            
15279 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



The Clintons have spent all their dough;                    
They paid the tax man what they owe.                        
But then Clinton said                                       
As he jumped from Gen's bed,                                
I think we should call Ross Perot.                          
                                                            
15280 CLINTON - MONEY                Al Willis                



Bill Clinton's quick mind is now revvin';                   
He's signed a book deal made in heaven.                     
As always...beguiling,                                      
Slick Willy is smiling                                      
'Cause there'll be no chapter eleven.                       
(chapter eleven - half-assed bankruptcy in U.S.)            
15281 CLINTON - MONEY                Observer                 



There's no doubt Bill's a genial host.                      
"Coffee talk" keeps his old pals engrossed.                 
He puts on a good show                                      
To part them from their dough.                              
The price is steep for a pot of French roast.               
                                                            
15282 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



When he had the mega-wealth itch,                           
And pardoned old fugitive Rich.                             
Slick Willy said, "Grease us,                               
So I can be CROESUS                                         
And shed little wife, you know which."                      
                                                            
15283 CLINTON - MONEY                Chris Papa               



Enterprising, our Commander-in-Chief                        
Has a business for fixing your beefs.                       
Lincoln Room costs a zillion,                               
Hot coffee a million,                                       
And a dollar to get in his briefs.                          
                                                            
15284 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



The Indonesian Connection is fact.                          
But a new camaign scandal has cracked:                      
Some claim Clinton's chummy                                 
With Russian Mafia money.                                   
Foreign bribes prove we're being attacked.                  
                                                            
15285 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



When the press shook Bill's "legal defense" tree,           
Who fell out but Bill's friend, Charlie Trie,               
And envelopes full of money,                                
That both looked and smelled funny,                         
Accompanied by forture cookies and tea.                     
                                                            
15286 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



The Dole campaign knew things were wrong;                   
That the Fat-Lady'd soon sing her song.                     
"Let's try Democrat greed;                                  
I know just what we need;                                   
Why can't we just all get a Huang?"                         
                                                            
15287 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Regardless of what some people think,                       
U.S. finances stand right on the brink.                     
Waste and greed are widespread,                             
All the hogs are well-fed,                                  
Leaving books that all glow with red ink.                   
                                                            
15288 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Prez name of Bill,                         
With a mandate that he just must fill.                      
Without thought or reason,                                  
It's the left that he's pleasin',                           
With his hand in the company till.                          
                                                            
15289 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



The President says he'd not be so rash                      
As to exchange favors for cash.                             
Believe it you may,                                         
But to that I must say,                                     
You must have your head up your ass.                        
                                                            
15290 CLINTON - MONEY                Puff Adder               



To help meet DNC's money crunch,                            
Temple monks held a fund-raiser lunch.                      
V.P. Gore was the guest                                     
And you all know the rest.                                  
Money laundering is more than a hunch.                      
                                                            
15291 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Of the Arkansas crimes, his plate's full;                   
Starr's punches no longer he'll pull.                       
From the public there's wows,                               
While Ms. Rodham used cows;                                 
Willy claims this is nothing but bull.                      
                                                            
15292 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



An eavesdropper by the Rose Garden,                         
Heard "Half-brother Bill, you're a hard 'un!"               
Then: "No, brother Roger,                                   
I'm just a poor dodger,                                     
And six more for free I can't pardon!"                      
                                                            
15293 CLINTON - MONEY                Peter Wilkins            



The FEC wants a good look                                   
At the Democrat's money bag book.                           
The Dems say with a smile,                                  
"It's not ready to file.                                    
And it won't be, till we hire a new cook."                  
                                                            
15294 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Campaign donors drank coffee in groups,                     
While the President shook hands 'round the loop.            
Most folks now agree,                                       
They didn't drink "free",                                   
As Bill skillfully fleeced wealthy dupes.                   
                                                            
15295 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



These donations to Bill's defense fund                      
Eventually had to be shunned.                               
Then the funds disappeared                                  
Before the mystery was cleared.                             
But I doubt the news leaves many stunned.                   
                                                            
15296 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Donations from P. Kanchanalak                               
The DNC coughed up and gave back.                           
But when the press made a call,                             
Pauline had "no idea at all"                                
Of the source of the tainted greenbacks.                    
                                                            
15297 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Tainted cash is one source of Bill's woes,                  
As exposure of Lippogate grows.                             
Though his hand he'll extend                                
To his rich Asian friends,                                  
From now on, for shapshots, Bill won't pose.                
                                                            
15298 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Dame Justice, blind and out of luck,                        
By Willy with new problem stuck;                            
He used her good name                                       
For his dirty game.                                         
Now "pardons for pay" runs AMOK.                            
                                                            
15299 CLINTON - MONEY                Chris Papa               



Bill Clinton's fund-raising machine                         
Accepted some checks that weren't clean.                    
Many Asian donations                                        
Have caused consternation.                                  
Stay tuned for the "Perils of Pauline".                     
                                                            
15300 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Right-wingers may look askance                              
At Bill Clinton's big book advance.                         
Let the free market speak --                                
Demands at its peak,                                        
Thanks to scandals the Right-wing financed.                 
                                                            
15301 CLINTON - MONEY                Dr Limerick              



They seem to have found new admissions                      
Which should make all the morning editions.                 
Of "dysfunctional" fame,                                    
Dr. Fick joins the game;                                    
He has proof that Bill sold state commissions.              
                                                            
15302 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



There's one thing for Bill I can say:                       
He likes to give money away.                                
As long as the cash                                         
Doesn't come from his stash!                                
So as usual the taxpayers pay.                              
                                                            
15303 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's White House turns steadily grayer,                
As corruption's exposed in thick layers.                    
Rules are easy to bend;                                     
Just a means to an end.                                     
And who pays? Just one guess! The taxpayers!                
                                                            
15304 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



On the subject of bribes, I am split:                       
Should politicians accept them or quit?                     
If we do not object                                         
To those big foreign checks,                                
They might balance our trade deficit.                       
                                                            
15305 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



White House visits by Huang day and night                   
Are explained in a favorable light.                         
They insist this is true;                                   
Their John Huangs equal "two"!                              
But we all know two Huangs don't make a right!              
                                                            
15306 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



It's apparent we're all being screwed,                      
With the power Bill's slyly accrued.                        
He can use proclamation                                     
To sell out our nation;                                     
Don't take your eyes off of this dude!                      
                                                            
15307 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Permanent Campaigns are so long,                            
Repeating the same dance and song.                          
I can muscle big bucks,                                     
Then tell the media "Aw shucks,"                            
In politics it's good to be well-HUANG.                     
                                                            
15308 CLINTON - MONEY                                         



The China to D.C. cash trail                                
Is being exposed in detail.                                 
Unless I'm misled,                                          
The money is read.                                          
I wonder just what is for sale?                             
                                                            
15309 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Democrats must now sing a new song                          
Because of a fellow named Huang.                            
Foreign coins in their purse                                
Have brought with them a curse,                             
And they can't figure out what went wrong.                  
                                                            
15310 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



In the Arkansas Guard, there's a way;                       
Bill gave stars with so little delay.                       
Your promotion came quick,                                  
Just one question from Slick,                               
"When will you have the twenty-five k?"                     
                                                            
15311 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton says he made no guarantees                          
To his White House guests from overseas.                    
But if they'll share their bread,                           
He'll make room in his bed,                                 
And throw in the White House door keys.                     
                                                            
15312 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



The FBI still wants to know                                 
If Bill received illegal dough.                             
The White Water scheme's                                    
Ripping out at the seams,                                   
And Bill doesn't know how to sew.                           
                                                            
15313 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



His chances Bill hopes to redeem;                           
He sells anything, so it does seem.                         
Trading Whitewater land,                                    
Selling Arabs some sand,                                    
And to Eskimos, lots of ice cream.                          
                                                            
15314 CLINTON - MONEY                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton, a man of his times,                           
Would fuck women or men or street mimes.                    
Like a sex craven glutton,                                  
With the executive button,                                  
He could fuck us a thousand times.                          
                                                            
15315 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Bedeviled, old President Slick                              
On his feet he is known to be quick.                        
Republicans are in awe                                      
He is without a flaw,                                       
Except for his Achilles Dick.                               
                                                            
15316 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill differs from those gone before,                        
But figuring his legacy's no chore.                         
Most have a library                                         
Built in their memory.                                      
For Clinton, it's an adult bookstore.                       
                                                            
15317 CLINTON - MORALS               Frank Petersohn          



The question to ask about Bill                              
Isn't whether he won't or he will;                          
It isn't a riddle                                           
Why he likes to diddle;                                     
He is seeking another cheap thrill.                         
                                                            
15318 CLINTON - MORALS               Shelby Forrest           



In the Arkansas Governor's mansion,                         
Some say there's still room for expansion.                  
Yet few floors remain                                       
Without some kind of stain,                                 
From that fellow who can't keep his pants on.               
                                                            
15319 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



The decision by our Supreme Court                           
Has jerked Clinton's necktie up short.                      
Before, when he lusted,                                     
Bill never got busted.                                      
He just though he was being a sport.                        
                                                            
15320 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Prexy named Bill                           
Who liked to cop a cheap feel.                              
It depends what you mean                                    
If you call it "obscene";                                   
To him it was just a cheap thrill.                          
                                                            
15321 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



They've invented some gum that's nutritious,                
But side effects make you malicious.                        
It will cause you to lie                                    
And have open your fly.                                     
After Bill, it is called Bubba-Licious.                     
                                                            
15322 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The Prez was inhaling a bong,                               
And thinking "I just can't go wrong.                        
My wife is pragmatic,                                       
And won't give me static                                    
For showing our friends 'Captain Schlong.'"                 
                                                            
15323 CLINTON - MORALS               Kristen Coughlin         



California has pervert castration;                          
Other states soon adopt legislation.                        
As Bill's travels are planned,                              
A new problem's at hand.                                    
Is he safe as he crosses the nation?                        
                                                            
15324 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



"Appropriate subject," says Chuck.                          
"I'll give her some training.  With luck                    
When I drop my pants,                                       
There's always the chance                                   
Her daddy has taught her to suck."                          
(Chelsea Clinton studies Internation Affairs at Oxford)     
15325 CLINTON - MORALS               Tiddy Ogg                



When it comes to dealing with sin,                          
Bill Clinton meets sin with a grin.                         
Self-denial? What for?                                      
Bill knows the score.                                       
Dirty linen can be cleaned with a spin.                     
                                                            
15326 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm holding my head in my hands                             
And thinking of cutting his glands.                         
Removing them calls                                         
For slicing his balls                                       
Into long and revolting red strands.                        
                                                            
15327 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



The Lord said, "All your sins in a stack,                   
Would reach to the White House and back!"                   
But Bill said, "My excuse                                   
Is my childhood abuse --                                    
Oh Lord, please, won't you cut me some slack?"              
                                                            
15328 CLINTON - MORALS               William N Nesbit    P0010



He said, "I didn't inhale;                                  
I wouldn't just tell a tale.                                
I did get a whiff                                           
That gave me a lift,                                        
But Hillary just them turned pale."                         
                                                            
15329 CLINTON - MORALS               Marsha Magee             



Mr. Clinton, in old Arkansas,                               
Little girls often slept with their Pa.                     
So if you're tired of Hillary                               
Then grab your little filly,                                
I'm sure she won't talk to Ken Starr.                       
                                                            
15330 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



A certain young man from Hope,                              
Once lied about inhaling dope.                              
"The voters were dazed!"                                    
He said, quite amazed,                                      
"Next time they'll elect me Pope!"                          
                                                            
15331 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Moral lapses we used to abhor,                              
Taint the White House like never before.                    
Whether felons hardcore                                     
Or backdoor paramour,                                       
Folks are numb and don't care anymore.                      
                                                            
15332 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



As more charges are served on his platter,                  
For the plight of his soul we are sadder.                   
With a wink and a nod,                                      
Swears an oath to his God.                                  
He is watching, Bill, doesn't it matter?                    
                                                            
15333 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Liberty stands in the bay                              
And seems to have little to say.                            
She seems so forlorn,                                       
A bit weathered and worn,                                   
While big Brother is having HIS day.                        
                                                            
15334 CLINTON - MORALS               John MIller              



Executive Privilege won't fly;                              
For Slick Willy, in a pig's eye!                            
Let's put Bill and Hillary                                  
In stocks and a pillory,                                    
He can run, but he just can't Hyde.                         
                                                            
15335 CLINTON - MORALS               Marsha Magee             



There's an evil force burning within,                       
That causes Slick Willy to sin.                             
But to each foolish fan,                                    
He's their kindhearted man,                                 
And is smoother than guzzlers gin.                          
                                                            
15336 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Since our leader has not been discreet                      
A payment we have that is neat:                             
We'll hang the poor wreck,                                  
But not by the neck --                                      
He must hang by the balls (of the feet).                    
                                                            
15337 CLINTON - MORALS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2019



Clinton's up-coming Grand Jury session                      
Isn't likely to lead to confession.                         
Clinton's never been one                                    
To admit what he's done.                                    
He just waltzes away from transgressions.                   
                                                            
15338 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



For some romance Slick Bill's in the mood;                  
He will no longer stay home and brood.                      
He cannot help but lie                                      
Telling Rodham goodbye;                                     
Off to Hooters he goes for the food.                        
                                                            
15339 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The beans he's now ready to spill;                          
Bad publicity, Hugh Grant's had his fill.                   
Acting real is his goal,                                    
In the car was his role;                                    
They were filming a bio of Bill.                            
(Hugh Grant, actor, caught in car with hooker)              
15340 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



This or that "sucks" I oft hear;                            
It's all right, there's nothing to fear.                    
Since president plays                                       
In so many ways,                                            
It's hallmark of his crass career.                          
                                                            
15341 CLINTON - MORALS               Chris Papa               



The sex about which you see --                              
Why I read about it 'till three --                          
Does show he's a liar --                                    
He's got nerve to conspire --                               
Oh, how I wish it were me.                                  
                                                            
15342 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



Bill, an Arkansawian president,                             
While in the White House, resident,                         
His staff of office displayed                               
An unusual way,                                             
Then claimed it was JFK's precedent.                        
                                                            
15343 CLINTON - MORALS               Richard Plaistowe        



Slick Willy'd have had far less strife                      
If really turned on by his wife.                            
If he'd kept his cigars                                     
For puffing in bars,                                        
He have had a less troubling life.                          
                                                            
15344 CLINTON - MORALS               Mike Cope                



Since lawyers and fems on the skids,                        
Lefties and Rightists made bids.                            
Need a story that soothes,                                  
Covering self-evident truths,                               
With fig leaves and lessons for kids.                       
                                                            
15345 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



Since Willy an instrument plays,                            
Perhaps he will live out his days,                          
As an aging rock star,                                      
Whose escapades are                                         
Expected in these sexual ways.                              
                                                            
15346 CLINTON - MORALS               Chris Papa               



Since the time to great fortune he lept,                    
He has shunned any woman that's kept.                       
With a whore he'll not lay,                                 
But he's willing to pay                                     
Just for sleeping where Lincoln has slept.                  
                                                            
15347 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Reject Starr's report so salacious,                         
While defending our leader sagacious.                       
He keeps a wise head                                        
Though sometimes he's been led                              
To become just a little fallacious.                         
                                                            
15348 CLINTON - MORALS               David Finely             



Slick Willie still carries the torch                        
For twattens that he'd like to scorch.                      
But that's no surprise                                      
To anyone's eyes,                                           
'Cause that dog don't stay on the porch!                    
                                                            
15349 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



Maybe now when Bill gets an "invite",                       
He'll thing twice before roaming at night.                  
His instinct to explore                                     
Landed him on the floor.                                    
Perhaps next time he'll bring a Maglite!                    
                                                            
15350 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's mistress had heard the suggestion;                   
Gave him condoms in case of erection.                       
He seemed quite surprised,                                  
But then realized                                           
Helms told him he might need protection.                    
(Jesse Helms, Senator and shitty art critic - McW)          
15351 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



To succeed Bill knows what it takes;                        
With genie, two wishes he makes.                            
"To make simple my life,                                    
A new car for my wife,                                      
And the second wish, it has no brakes!"                     
                                                            
15352 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Excelsior's ready for Bill.                                 
And to him it is some bitter pill.                          
'Cause Bill has designs,                                    
They've posted new signs:                                   
They allow no more pants dropping thrill.                   
                                                            
15353 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton promised with unvarnished gall,                     
The "most ethical White House of all."                      
Now, with friends jailed and dead,                          
His face should be red.                                     
Does he care? It appears, not at all.                       
                                                            
15354 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



They wanted to put Bill in jail                             
For using his house to chase tail.                          
But the judge wasn't fooled                                 
Saw no crime so he ruled:                                   
"Not guilty! He didn't inhale."                             
                                                            
15355 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



In lies Bill continues to wallow;                           
Not inhaling sounds really quite hollow.                    
Has he ever tried Gay?                                      
Bill would probably say,                                    
Once in England, but I didn't swallow.                      
                                                            
15356 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Hope,                             
Who thought everyone else was a dope                        
When his crimes became known                                
He snarled from his throne:                                 
I'm the President, fool, not the Pope!                      
                                                            
15357 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



For Bill's birthday, some time he will free;                
He works hard and needs rest we'd agree.                    
Yellowstone's trees and trout                               
Is not why they came out;                                   
Old Unfaithful they're hoping to see!                       
                                                            
15358 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



One thing these polls have made clear,                      
It's not our President we need to fear,                     
But our own flagging morals.                                
Sin finds few quarrels                                      
With those who won't hold virtue dear.                      
                                                            
15359 CLINTON - MORALS               Sumerman                 



As the Chief Exec he is such                                
That we'd all expect very much.                             
Lead by example.                                            
If his life's a sample,                                     
Our morals are way out of touch.                            
                                                            
15360 CLINTON - MORALS               Chris Papa               



Denying Lewinsky' disclosure,                               
Bill tried to maintain his composure.                       
With no change in venue                                     
He's back to his menu;                                      
Oval Office over-exposure.                                  
                                                            
15361 CLINTON - MORALS               Tom Patton          P9911



Though the President claims to adore us,                    
Clinton's escapades now simply bore us.                     
Perhaps next we'll have read                                
That he was found in a bed                                  
With a guy who is called Phillip Morris.                    
                                                            
15362 CLINTON - MORALS               Tom Patton          P9902



The White House is quaking in terror;                       
They can't run away from their error.                       
Though they hide it and spin it,                            
Thw White House can't win it.                               
Old Bill should have learned to play fairer.                
                                                            
15363 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Public opinion will never decide                            
Wrong is right, 'though it has often tried.                 
Here's one who won't buy it;                                
You can't justify it --                                     
Wrong will always be WRONG, never right!                    
                                                            
15364 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Our country is in steep decline;                            
The White House is losing its shine.                        
Its image is hurt                                           
By Arkansas dirt                                            
And muck from the resident swine.                           
                                                            
15365 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



I am not a complete fan of Bill,                            
But politically he's king of the hill.                      
He's holding his own                                        
Even sans saxaphone,                                        
But his morals are just run-of-the-mill.                    
                                                            
15366 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a great man in power,                        
Who had an intern clean his tower.                          
He made quite a mess;                                       
It put stains on her dress.                                 
We hope she at least took a shower.                         
                                                            
15367 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



Several months went by; she was still sucking,              
And the system the man was still bucking.                   
She got attached to him;                                    
To him 'twas a whim.                                        
After all, it's not like they're fucking.                   
                                                            
15368 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



The girl had been calling a friend                          
Who was not quite a friend in the end.                      
She recorded the speech                                     
For a publisher leech,                                      
And to Kenneth a copy she'd send.                           
                                                            
15369 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



Mr. Starr was having a hassle,                              
For he'd come off as Mr. Asshole.                           
Three long years he'd been fishing;                         
For clues he was wishing;                                   
Seems the Prez was locked tight in a castle.                
                                                            
15370 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



Then one day in the season of winter,                       
The castle door had started to splinter.                    
Seems a man, name was Drudge                                
Had discovered some sludge.                                 
The news raced 'round the world like a sprinter.            
                                                            
15371 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



Seven months and the man still denied it;                   
Had a press conference where he implied it.                 
Had his own definition;                                     
A brilliant logician;                                       
He did not quite have sex, but he'd tried it.               
                                                            
15372 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



The nation was shocked and appalled;                        
For his head the Republicans called.                        
But for all we'd scream and shout,                          
We'd not want him out.                                      
It was sex in which we were enthralled.                     
                                                            
15373 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



Judge Starr's stuff came out one early morn;                
Looked less like law; more like cheap porn.                 
Congress had been waiting;                                  
Now they were masturbating,                                 
Visualizing her blowing his horn.                           
                                                            
15374 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



So you know all about the scandal;                          
We hope that of it you've a handle.                         
We tune in every day,                                       
Wasting our lives away;                                     
To this, fiction cannot hold a candle.                      
                                                            
15375 CLINTON - MORALS               www.blounded.com         



Clinton's White House career has been reckless.             
Is he out-of-control or just feckless?                      
When confronted with sin,                                   
He can't help but dive in.                                  
Scandals hang 'round his neck like a necklace.              
                                                            
15376 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



"We the people" have welshed on shame,                      
Enabling repenters to get back in the game,                 
Sexual Obsession.                                           
It's our confession                                         
We face Hell and laugh at the flame.                        
                                                            
15377 CLINTON - MORALS               Sumerman                 



Clinton's world has turned cloudy and dark,                 
As the Congress now circles like sharks.                    
If I were a crony,                                          
(Especially old Tony)                                       
I'd make a point to stay out of parks.                      
                                                            
15378 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm appalled when I hear women say,                         
"When a president gropes, it's OK.                          
And you shouldn't be picky                                  
If he asks for a quickie.                                   
To avoid it, stay out of his way."                          
                                                            
15379 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



In the White House, said Willie, "I fear                    
It is time to quit showing my gear.                         
But I get such a kick                                       
From exposing my dick,                                      
That I should stick it out one more year."                  
                                                            
15380 CLINTON - MORALS               Al Chaplin          P9911



Bill's main wishes and thoughts are about                   
A tall station in history, no doubt.                        
With high praise from the nation,                           
And some sexless fellation --                               
To get either, he must stick it out.                        
                                                            
15381 CLINTON - MORALS               William N Nesbit    P9911



Women claim there's a mole on Bill's butt,                  
And Big Macs have created a gut.                            
Now much to his shame,                                      
Comes Sally to claim:                                       
In her negligee he likes to strut.                          
                                                            
15382 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Dan Lasater loves having kicks;                             
Under oath he adds this to the mix.                         
All the charges are nil;                                    
There's no favors from Bill,                                
Except for those teenager chicks.                           
                                                            
15383 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Yes, it matters what Clinton inhaled                        
And how many loose women he's nailed.                       
Presidential recreation                                     
Affects the whole nation.                                   
When faced with temptataion, he failed.                     
                                                            
15384 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



We used to be strong, but no more.                          
Our honor's been sold out the door.                         
World friends are dismayed                                  
At the mess that we've made.                                
We can all thank the Clintons and Gore.                     
                                                            
15385 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



They say Little Willie was bent                             
On finding ways to circumvent                               
Just about every law                                        
In Hope, Arkansas --                                        
So on to the White House he went!                           
                                                            
15386 CLINTON - MORALS               John Miller              



F. O. P. bosses just made a "sale":                         
"Union votes" to help Clinton prevail.                      
But rank and file aren't amused.                            
They resent being used                                      
By those who might end up in jail.                          
                                                            
15387 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



An ethical life is divine,                                  
And yes, would that more'd toe the line.                    
So petition your member                                     
Of Congress.  Remember                                      
The ethics we follow are mine.                              
                                                            
15388 CLINTON - MORALS               Knotweed                 



Nervous tongues are now starting to wag                     
As new scandals throw up bright red flags.                  
Adding fuel to the fire,                                    
Clinton's laundry grows higher,                             
Overworking the White House Maytag.                         
                                                            
15389 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willy was a PLOCE whiz,                               
Who sparkled with smart legal fizz;                         
Most memorable line,                                        
Legacy define,                                              
"Depends on what 'is' means as 'is'."                       
                                                            
15390 CLINTON - MORALS               Chris Papa               



Grand juries make Bill bristle quick;                       
Ken Starr is sure that it will stick.                       
Bill's placement in history                                 
Is now not a mystery;                                       
He'll be known as "Old Whistledick!"                        
                                                            
15391 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



There is a White House on the hill,                         
Inside residing the fool named Bill,                        
Who thinks with his pants,                                  
Overlooking the chance                                      
He would get caught, and probably will.                     
                                                            
15392 CLINTON - MORALS                                        



The issues were always complex;                             
On the 60's Bill often reflects.                            
To join the parade,                                         
He had his sign made:                                       
Can you help me 'cause I'll work for sex.                   
                                                            
15393 CLINTON - MORALS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The country, when asked about Bill,                         
Said, "We'd rather pick one who will                        
Be true to his mate,                                        
Not create Zippergate                                       
But who is like that on the Hill?"                          
                                                            
15394 CLINTON - MORALS               Scandalous Limerix  P9804



The adoption idea is keen;                                  
New youngster for Bill and his Queen.                       
With the counselor he jests;                                
Woody Allen suggests                                        
That he gets one about seventeen.                           
                                                            
15395 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Sanchez said to the press yesterday,                        
Bob Dornan should just go away.                             
"He'd not got it somehow                                    
That I'm in the House now.                                  
I've moved in and I'm planning to stay!"                    
                                                            
15396 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



I am well known to "get around";                            
My popularity often lost then found.                        
An amiable dope,                                            
I come back to Hope                                         
Just to put one more friend in the ground.                  
                                                            
15397 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



In the New York Times, she wasn't kind;                     
Tell us who got to Maureen Dowd's mind?                     
Bill's the young golden boy                                 
And those in his employ                                     
Must clean up what he leaves behind.                        
                                                            
15398 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



In his costume, far too much he drank;                      
He's one "buttman" the Demo's don't thank.                  
He won't last very long;                                    
The whole concept was wrong,                                
Because he followed Congressman Frank.                      
                                                            
15399 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Dick Morris is ready to squeal.                             
He's signed a big Random House deal.                        
Will he trade Clinton's neck                                
For a book and a check?                                     
How much will he really reveal?                             
                                                            
15400 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



The Dick Morris-Prostitute muss                             
Kicked up a new Democrat fuss.                              
But it cleaned up real quick                                
When they found out that Dick                               
"Absorbed heat" and, was therefore, a plus.                 
                                                            
15401 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Patrick Knowlton says, "Time to embark                      
On a journey to make light what's dark.                     
The truth has been smothered.                               
I'll sue those who covered                                  
For the guys who dumped Vince in the park."                 
                                                            
15402 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill can sit there with face very stony                     
And purport that the truth is baloney.                      
But surprise has not come;                                  
Maybe we're not so dumb.                                    
They've proven the Foster note phoney.                      
                                                            
15403 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



They must think gays are docile as lambs;                   
In the White House they suffered more slams.                
Since the gloves caused chagrin,                            
Here's the story they'll spin:                              
They were offering rectal exams.                            
                                                            
15404 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Henry Waxman steps up to rebut,                             
Right after a shampoo and cut.                              
"Though they might be evil,                                 
Let's stop the upheaval.                                    
If the Clinton's are crooks, well so what?"                 
                                                            
15405 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



In college I sucked on a joint,                             
But my lesson I'd already loint.                            
To stay out of jail,                                        
I didn't inhale,                                            
So I DIDN'T do drugs, see my point?                         
                                                            
15406 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



From combat, I kept myself free;                            
I was being a scholar, you see.                             
Well sure, I flunked out;                                   
You expect me to shout                                      
"Hey Draft Boaard. I'm done. Come get me?"                  
                                                            
15407 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



After college I went beyond frugal,                         
Working scams with some cons (not McDougal)                 
And learned to beguile                                      
With a Pepsodent smile,                                     
And for fun played some gigs with my bugle.                 
                                                            
15408 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



My hero, Bill Clinton's more grand                          
Once Hillary took him in hand.                              
Liberal allies                                              
And guile and slick lies                                    
Made him Number One Con in this land.                       
                                                            
15409 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



Not once: Unbelievably, TWICE,                              
This showman and master of vice                             
(With the help of the press                                 
And some payoffs, I guess)                                  
Put his stay in the White House on ice.                     
                                                            
15410 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



While obscurely I live out my days                          
Proving petty crime isn't what pays.                        
But avoiding disaster,                                      
I follow the master,                                        
And fully adhere to his ways.                               
                                                            
15411 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



You can have all the joys that you seek,                    
When the meaning of words you can tweak.                    
So I won't go to jail                                       
For that under-aged quail,                                  
That I DIDN'T have sex with last week.                      
                                                            
15412 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



But now the law has gone fuzzy;                             
What we're doing's OK 'cause my scuzzy                      
Made a godawful mess                                        
Outside on the dress,                                       
Which proves I was not in you, was I?                       
                                                            
15413 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



Now I carefully brush my white hair;                        
I don't fart when I sit in a chair.                         
Look you straight in the eye                                
When I tell you a lie,                                      
And don't fuck when I have an affair.                       
                                                            
15414 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



In Chicago Bill Clinton kicked tail;                        
He met up with an angry female.                             
She said, "Willy you suck!"                                 
She's hauled off in a truck.                                
First Amendment be damned, she's in jail!                   
                                                            
15415 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willy's a son of AK,                                  
Where the boys all like rolls in the hay                    
With their sisters and daughters,                           
And piggy hindquarters,                                     
Beating all you can get there for pay.                      
                                                            
15416 CLINTON - PEOPLE               John Miller              



What can be said of the sexes                               
In Arkansas accurately reflectses,                          
But substitute dogies                                       
For them there hoggies,                                     
And you could be talking about Texas.                       
                                                            
15417 CLINTON - PEOPLE               MrMalo                   



In the summer of 1998,                                      
Bill Clinton faced Monicagate.                              
And staunch by his side,                                    
Jesse Jackson as guide,                                     
Who had sins of his own to relate.                          
                                                            
15418 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Dr Limerick              



James Carville, with antics bizaarre,                       
Gloves on, mouth in gear, set to spar,                      
Has climbed into the ring,                                  
And has started to swing.                                   
He wants to knock out Kenneth Starr!                        
                                                            
15419 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



What a bulldog, or is she a mutt?                           
She's a talking, head partisan nut.                         
As Ann Lewis denies                                         
What we all know are lies,                                  
She and Barney kiss slick Willy's butt.                     
                                                            
15420 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr                     
Were out for a night in a bar.                              
With Trippy onlooking,                                      
Ken and Mon started cooking,                                
Smartly spewing right into a jar!                           
                                                            
15421 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Whacked            TP9901



Out to prove that Bill Clinton's a liar,                    
Starr thinks that his tack is surefire.                     
He gives it good chance                                     
That when Clinton last danced,                              
He fell over the Linda Tripp wire.                          
                                                            
15422 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Are we sure that Ms. Linda Tripp                            
Does not use handcuffs or a whip?                           
Not to be mean,                                             
But is she a drag queen?                                    
She should shut up and button her lip.                      
                                                            
15423 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Arden                    



McDougal thought Bill would produce                         
A pardon to get him turned loose.                           
But Bill got cold feet                                      
And let Jim take the heat.                                  
Now the heat's on the Gander and Goose!                     
                                                            
15424 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill and Hillary have been relying                          
On McDougal to keep them from frying.                       
But as Jim faces jail,                                      
His loyalty's grown stale.                                  
He says he'll expose Clinton's lying.                       
                                                            
15425 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Ms. Sanchez is caught in the mess                           
As supporters are forced to confess.                        
She would not have won                                      
Without fraud they have spun.                               
The vote hangs on a thousand or less.                       
                                                            
15426 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Craig Livingstone has no contrition.                        
Six months missing, he's under suspicion.                   
We're dropping our jaw;                                     
He is swearing he saw                                       
A Rosemary Woods apparition.                                
(Rosemary Woods - Nixon secty who may have screwed tapes)   
15427 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



For Bill, two-way race is no fun;                           
Perot is to blame that he won.                              
In the ring, Chicken Ross,                                  
It's your hat, time to toss.                                
I double dog dare you to run!                               
                                                            
15428 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Now I wonder what Sanchez will do                           
If fraud allegations prove true.                            
Will she cut short her stay                                 
And just "go away"?                                         
Or throw a fit, hold her breath, and turn blue.             
                                                            
15429 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Disrespect for Marines toppled Lister,                      
Who resigned before Clinton dismissed her.                  
Her true feelings exposed,                                  
Sara's future slammed closed.                               
She went home knowing nobody missed her.                    
                                                            
15430 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



The latest White House Romeo                                
Is about to reel in lots of dough.                          
I'm sure Bill won't mind                                    
That Dick's book deal was signed                            
In secret, almost five months ago.                          
                                                            
15431 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young White House aide,                    
Whom Slick Willie easily made.                              
Her steamy blow jobs,                                       
Made him come in great gobs.                                
Stephanopoulos still can't get laid.                        
                                                            
15432 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Michael W Johnson        



On display, let's go see what they've built;                
We have heard lots of blood has been spilt.                 
Names are all sewn with care;                               
Of Bill Clinton beware.                                     
It's the Arkansas suicide quilt.                            
                                                            
15433 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Linda Tripp says "It couldn't be ironicker,                 
That Slick Willy would end up like Honeker.                 
I've now blown the whistle                                  
On where he puts his gristle,                               
And been blowing, not sax, but our Monica!"                 
                                                            
15434 CLINTON - PEOPLE               H Myers             T9801



As Bill's cronies all sit down to dine,                     
A new plan they must quickly design.                        
"They have challenged our hand;                             
We do not understand.                                       
In Arkansas this stuff worked fine."                        
                                                            
15435 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



There are some in high places afraid                        
That Web's loyalty is starting to fade.                     
Evidence is compelling;                                     
Web knows more that he's telling.                           
Is he rethinking deals that he made?                        
                                                            
15436 CLINTON - PEOPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



They left for the midwest by air;                           
Today there's no sign of a scare.                           
Old Bill started blushing                                   
When Al started gushing;                                    
I thought Al would bend over right there.                   
                                                            
15437 CLINTON - PRAISED              MrMalo                   



"Just go on groping girls," they all say                    
In polls that reported today:                               
"We've looked at Dow-Jones,                                 
And we know in our bones,                                   
Everything that you do is OK."                              
                                                            
15438 CLINTON - PRAISED              Everett Parke            



There once was a man from Hope,                             
Who never inhaled on his dope.                              
Though the meaning of "is",                                 
An invention of his.                                        
He's now better liked than the Pope!                        
                                                            
15439 CLINTON - PRAISED              Frank Petersohn          



How does Bill still make all these gals swoon?              
Though he abuses 'em night and noon?                        
If he'd bottle that charm,                                  
He could charge us an arm                                   
And a leg, and be rich very soon!                           
                                                            
15440 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't fall for the time-honored trap                        
Of spouting out nothing but crap,                           
Like those Yankess and Rebs                                 
Who profane like young debs,                                
When talking of that Clinton chap.                          
                                                            
15441 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



"One more monument's what the folks need!                   
After all, mining's based upon greed.                       
If we keep the coal there,                                  
It won't dirty the air."                                    
(And "Earth First" votes will be guaranteed!)               
                                                            
15442 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's distracted, he says, by detractors                   
Disturbing Democratic benefactors;                          
But recession's not looming,                                
The economy's booming,                                      
Urged on by some SERIOUS factors.                           
                                                            
15443 CLINTON - PRAISED              John Miller              



They said it was the worst of slimes.                       
He said, "It is the best of times.                          
The economy's up.                                           
I've got a new pup.                                         
Have I committed some crimes?"                              
                                                            
15444 CLINTON - PRAISED                                       



Did the people in Utah have a say                           
About the land that was stolen away?                        
Or did they lose all their rights                           
To a thief in the night                                     
With an "executive order" power play?                       
                                                            
15445 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't you love the American Way,                            
Where Freedom and Justice hold sway?                        
Until guilt is proved                                       
You're an innocent dude,                                    
Unless you're elected today.                                
                                                            
15446 CLINTON - PRAISED              Sumaq                    



His private behavior is shameless;                          
His public policy, aimless;                                 
Though his deeds are ignoble,                               
His outlook is global,                                      
So he will remain ever blameless.                           
                                                            
15447 CLINTON - PRAISED                                       



Those who came to hear Clinton topside,                     
Thought the Grand Canyon trees had all died.                
But park rangers declare                                    
The trees are still there.                                  
For photo ops, they just tied them aside.                   
                                                            
15448 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was an affable gent                              
Who had quite a liberal bent.                               
But the voters turned right,                                
So he changed overnight                                     
To a new and improved President.                            
                                                            
15449 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



He may tell one hell of a lie;                              
He may not measure up to your eye.                          
Though it may be uncanny,                                   
You can bet your sweet fanny                                
That man gets more pussy than I!                            
                                                            
15450 CLINTON - PRAISED              MrMalo                   



We the people are loathe to convict him,                    
So instead this is how we depict him.                       
Paula Jones is a slut;                                      
Kenneth Starr peddles smut;                                 
And Bill Clinton's their innocent victim!                   
                                                            
15451 CLINTON - PRAISED              George Maschke           



I'll miss old slick Willy, for sure,                        
And legacy that will endure.                                
'Twill be but a bore                                        
With Bush and Al Gore,                                      
Who'll lead lives impossibly pure.                          
                                                            
15452 CLINTON - PRAISED              Chris Papa               



Forgetting great men would be callous,                      
So we honor their fame without malice.                      
But a pillar would seem,                                    
To unerringly mean,                                         
We'd memorialized Bill with a phallus.                      
                                                            
15453 CLINTON - PRAISED                                       



Jesus Christ, Superbiz, don't you know                      
That the folks in this group love Bill so?                  
If you tell Clinton jokes,                                  
Then these very same folks                                  
Will turn up the flames 'till you glow.                     
                                                            
15454 CLINTON - PRAISED                                       



Clinton is loved in the poll;                               
Who cares if he's found a hot hole.                         
The economy's great.                                        
Just lay off jail bait,                                     
Or repubs will put us back on the dole.                     
                                                            
15455 CLINTON - PRAISED              H Bomb                   



I voted for Bill and how!                                   
I'd vote the same again now!                                
The issue, no doubt,                                        
That I care about                                           
Is Jones...not Paula, but Dow!                              
                                                            
15456 CLINTON - PRAISED              Richard H                



The leader of my Fatherland                                 
Has taken a powerful stand;                                 
As the danger still grows                                   
I'm sure that he knows                                      
That he holds the match in his hand ...                     
                                                            
15457 CLINTON - PRAISED                                       



I've heard Clinton cheated and lied,                        
Now it seems like his butt will be fried.                   
No wars have been fought,                                   
Our children get taught,                                    
So hell, I'll stay on his side.                             
                                                            
15458 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Some are in favor of Bill,                                  
And some wish his guts would spill.                         
But I'm truly disgusted                                     
With how he's been busted.                                  
And wish congress and news hounds to hell                   
                                                            
15459 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



The Queen just received a new fax                           
From Madame Tussauds. Here the facts:                       
"Done Bill's balls and his dick;                            
They're life-size and real slick;                           
But now Ma'am, we've run out of wax!"                       
                                                            
15460 CLINTON - PRAISED                                       



By chicanery, swindle, and scheme,                          
Bill's achieved the American dream.                         
Though his greatest success                                 
Is on Monica's dress,                                       
Aren't you proud to be part of his team?                    
                                                            
15461 CLINTON - PRAISED                                       



Maybe the poll situation                                    
Could use some investigation.                               
CNN sources say                                             
Something different each day.                               
Their numbers need reconfirmation.                          
                                                            
15462 CLINTON - PRAISED              Gearhart                 



His reign was just odd theater great,                       
And whether you liked him or hate,                          
He did provide fun                                          
To limericks we spun,                                       
'Bout bawdy red-neck Chief of State.                        
                                                            
15463 CLINTON - PRAISED              Chris Papa               



Western earth-movers and shakers                            
Drooled over millions of acres.                             
But at the last minute                                      
The land went off-limits;                                   
Now they're whining, like spoiled bellyakers.               
                                                            
15464 CLINTON - PRAISED              Dr Limerick              



So now Utah folks feel                                      
Clinton grabbed their rich land in a steal.                 
Then signed rights away                                     
In Arizona that day,                                        
Not in Utah, where they'll feel the raw deal.               
                                                            
15465 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



"Though Bill Clinton's out wooing all classes,              
He'll never be one of the masses,"                          
Jerry Brown claims. "It's true,                             
Because he'll always view                                   
The whole world through Rhodes Scholared glasses."          
                                                            
15466 CLINTON - PRAISED              A. N. Wilkins       P9205



If Utah's job base should dive,                             
It's OK 'cause her votes equal five.                        
And since those five are lost,                              
Just let them pay the cost,                                 
As they angrily buzz in their hive.                         
                                                            
15467 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



So Clinton has declared "Off Hands"                         
A huge tract of scenic South lands.                         
If only he'd been there                                     
Years ago to declare:                                       
"The National Park of Sundance."                            
                                                            
15468 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Even after these years of such pain,                        
And the pressure that's cooking his brain,                  
When it's all said and done,                                
And the last race is run,                                   
Slick Willy will rise once again!                           
                                                            
15469 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



When Clinton came on, they said WOW!                        
We'll get that crook yet...And how!                         
But after this long,                                        
With all he's done wrong,                                   
You'd think they'd have something by now!                   
                                                            
15470 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



King Clinton has done it again                              
As he rules with a stroke of his pen.                       
To hang onto his throne,                                    
Utah miners can groan.                                      
Who care about plain citizens?                              
                                                            
15471 CLINTON - PRAISED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Some times it all seems so clear;                           
I cannot do better, I fear.                                 
But of Bill they're still fond                              
This side of the pond,                                      
And I really find that kind of queer.                       
                                                            
15472 CLINTON - PRAISED              John Miller              



You get government that you deserve,                        
So Clinton was twice asked to serve.                        
As our President                                            
With cock straight or bent,                                 
He'd doing it with lots of nerve.                           
                                                            
15473 CLINTON - PRAISED              Arden                    



On Inaugural Day we can see                                 
Some events that won't be on TV.                            
There's Rodham's subpoena,                                  
Bill's drugs come from Mena,                                
And Al Gore is humping a tree.                              
                                                            
15474 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Impeach him, Republicans are beggin';                       
Slick Willie is not even shaken.                            
Paula Jones case is dead;                                   
Not much more to be said.                                   
At least he's not senile like Reagan.                       
                                                            
15475 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Navin                    



Though detente has provided relief,                         
There's a threat that could cause the world grief.          
We must act right away;                                     
There's no time for delay.                                  
Buzz the Marriott, we need the chief.                       
                                                            
15476 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



If Bill wants Barbra Streisand to sing,                     
He must give her permission to bring                        
Her current white Knight                                    
To spend the whole night                                    
In the White House, like a Queen and a King.                
                                                            
15477 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Four more years we are getting from Bill.                   
After eight years we should have our fill.                  
But with lawsuits to handle                                 
And Whitewater's scandal,                                   
Perhaps there's a 'Fool on the Hill.'                       
(Beatles song)                                              
15478 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Limerick Man             



Aides told him, it's time for a rally.                      
"Make your choice, sir, there' no time to dally."           
With big boobs on his mind,                                 
He says he's inclined                                       
For a visit to "Silicone" Valley.                           
                                                            
15479 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



"I think the Republicans stink!"                            
Said Bill Clinton.  "And what's more, I think               
That Perot is a jerk;                                       
That his plan just won't work,                              
And that Dole is a chicken-heart fink!"                     
                                                            
15480 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Oliver M                 



For the Kansan don't shed any ears,                         
In the Senate he had some good years.                       
But Clinton can smile,                                      
'Cause he'll win by a mile,                                 
And soon can announce "FOUR MORE YEARS!"                    
                                                            
15481 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Quilis                   



If leaving the church they were booed?                      
I'd say that it was very rude.                              
But knowing the facts                                       
They would give him the axe...                              
Typical Christian attitude!                                 
                                                            
15482 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Mr Malo                  



Through Congress, his budget plan sailed                    
With all those good points it entailed.                     
But when it was read,                                       
So many then said,                                          
Bill Clinton had surely inhaled.                            
                                                            
15483 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



The budget fills Bill with distress;                        
With his party, he's now in a mess.                         
As the GOP chugs                                            
Willy's shoulders he shrugs,                                
Then runs after the budget express.                         
                                                            
15484 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



"I am warning you, do what I say,                           
Or I promise there's hell that you'll pay.                  
Cale and staff I want gone;                                 
They have been here too long.                               
And p.s. Tell them have a nice day."                        
                                                            
15485 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a President named Clinton,                   
Who'd rather go joggin' than sprintin'.                     
But a leisurely pace                                        
Might still win this race,                                  
If it's Dole that Perot votes are stintin'.                 
                                                            
15486 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Walter Rollin            



He's a sore in the mouth like a canker;                     
And his party is speaking with rancor.                      
It's each man for himself;                                  
They'll put Bill on the shelf;                              
His coat tails are now a great anchor.                      
                                                            
15487 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



With Bill's lying, my blood pressure peaks;                 
He won't answer or take our critiques.                      
So for your protection                                      
From his interjection,                                      
You should condom your ears when he speaks.                 
                                                            
15488 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Pres named Bill                            
Who had his fat hand in the till;                           
With money he'd pay                                         
For a three-dollar lay,                                     
From the seclusion of Capitol Hill.                         
                                                            
15489 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



He had a big bitch of a wife,                               
Who'd stab her friend's back with a knife.                  
Now the Pres, he did fear                                   
That Mrs. Bobbit slept near.                                
So he'd not slept a wink in his life.                       
                                                            
15490 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Now the Pres, who was seen as a glutton                     
For steak and potatoes and mutton,                          
Made his appetite clear,                                    
That job loss was no fear;                                  
Who would, with their hand on the button?                   
                                                            
15491 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Now his grumpy old foe was Bob Dole,                        
Who constantly dug his own hole,                            
With rantings and ravings                                   
And GOP cravings,                                           
Met reality head-on at the poll.                            
                                                            
15492 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Now the Pres, who plays a mean sax,                         
To some, he may seem a bit lax.                             
At his inaugural address,                                   
He'd eye all in a dress                                     
And even a few who wore slacks.                             
                                                            
15493 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill wanted to show he's efficient                          
In things foreign, so very proficient.                      
But in troubles he's mired,                                 
And the missles were fired                                  
Because his own weapon's deficient.                         
                                                            
15494 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Bob warned us, alone on the floor,                          
'Cause an oath to his country he swore.                     
With their far-leftist goals,                               
We would lose all our souls,                                
And be forced to turn over the store.                       
                                                            
15495 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



It's not worth my spare time to note                        
If Bill is a lamb or a goat.                                
Despite all your fears,                                     
He's there two more years.                                  
On Clinton we'll not again vote.                            
                                                            
15496 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Frank Fazed              



Not Billy, 'cause that is the law,                          
But another from Hope Arkansas                              
Might have held the White House                             
Except that her spouse                                      
As First Husband's a little too raw.                        
                                                            
15497 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            John Miller              



To Hillary Clinton said Bill,                               
"I think we can stay on the Hill.                           
'Cause tired old Dole                                       
Dug himself a hole,                                         
And the Whitewater thing, a cheap thrill."                  
                                                            
15498 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Andrew Wright            



Bill Clinton ran well for president,                        
And became the White House resident.                        
But his troubles piled                                      
'Cause his friends ran wild,                                
But he also had much precedent.                             
                                                            
15499 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Joseph McEwen       P9407



Let's all sing "Hail to the Chief."                         
He's just trying to get some relief.                        
If Hillary doesn't mind,                                    
We should all get behind                                    
Him and quit giving him all this grief.                     
                                                            
15500 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Rusty Smith              



Though bein' tempted for many a time                        
To get rid of old Billy-boy's slime                         
In a violent way,                                           
I am sorry to say;                                          
I've denied me this pleasure sublime.                       
                                                            
15501 CLINTON - PRESIDENT                                     



Bill was always a polished debater,                         
Now he plans to be gun confiscator.                         
All you gun nuts aren't wrong                               
And you won't have them long                                
Unless you're a felon or traitor.                           
                                                            
15502 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



In Montana Bill must draw a line;                           
Stop the hate talk, let's all be benign.                    
While he's up on the horse,                                 
Thought of danger, of course,                               
But don't worry, he has not a spine.                        
                                                            
15503 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Clinton named Bill,                        
Who lived up on Capitol Hill.                               
He sold out the White House                                 
And cheated on his spouse,                                  
Then tore up his knee in a spill.                           
                                                            
15504 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            kj                       



Time has come for a lesson to teach                         
That they really are not out of reach.                      
For one hour each day                                       
Join our protest display;                                   
And at noon, headlights on to impeach!                      
                                                            
15505 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



The man who resides where the buck stops,                   
Was arrested, and told by the fed cops,                     
"These little white slips                                   
Are for two many flips,                                     
Alternating with too many flops."                           
                                                            
15506 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Cybergeezer              



From here I just judge by his works,                        
And not by his lurks and his perks.                         
The world has felt safer;                                   
He's no gung-ho strafer;                                    
It's only the "GOP'S" that he irks.                         
                                                            
15507 CLINTON - PRESIDENT                                     



And those who mistakenly think                              
That Presidents never should drink                          
Give way to their lusts                                     
Or fiddle with trusts                                       
Or sometimes to visit a shrink                              
                                                            
15508 CLINTON - PRESIDENT                                     



For this is the way of the world;                           
Through my years I have seen it unfurled;                   
For leaders are takers                                      
And cover-up fakers.                                        
Their standards are twisted and curled.                     
                                                            
15509 CLINTON - PRESIDENT                                     



And all of it is just perception                            
And not really any deception.                               
We believe what we're told                                  
In headlines quite bold;                                    
It depends on the press's reception!                        
                                                            
15510 CLINTON - PRESIDENT                                     



The leader's the dominant male                              
Beside him our prowess must fail                            
All ladies desire                                           
To share in his fire                                        
He naturally gets lots of tail.                             
                                                            
15511 CLINTON - PRESIDENT                                     



We keep hoping for their abdication;                        
When they leave there will be jubilation.                   
It's in evil they toiled,                                   
So the White House was soiled.                              
The first thing will be fumigation.                         
                                                            
15512 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Hey, get a load of this, folks!                             
Bill Clinton's the butt of more jokes                       
In all history                                              
On late-night TV,                                           
Than all other top-ranking blokes!                          
(Source: Center for Media and Public Affairs)               
15513 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            John Miller              



When the Congress and Bill meet to chat                     
About budgets, they end in a spat.                          
But a new game's beginning                                  
And in the first inning                                     
They'll make Bill take the first turn at bat.               
                                                            
15514 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



The White House is great and it's evident                   
That a lot can be learned from its resident.                
If you practice your drawl,                                 
And no morals at all,                                       
Someday you too can be President.                           
                                                            
15515 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            John Miller              



Future Historians will laugh                                
Assessing my Presidency's path.                             
Campaigner without peer,                                    
But no mandate, that's clear;                               
For I got less than half of a half.                         
                                                            
15516 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Some of our country's youth are hell bent;                  
Now they've found what fellatio meant.                      
They said, "That old line's trite.                          
We don't want to be right.                                  
We would much rather be President!"                         
                                                            
15517 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Loren C Fitzhugh    P9901



An orthopod fixed up the knee,                              
While the Senate checked out DNC.                           
Show me the money,                                          
The numbers look funny,                                     
Said Al Gore and friend Hillary.                            
                                                            
15518 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            kj                       



It cannot be denied he's a worm;                            
Come closer, we see Willy squirm.                           
Whether pro-life or not,                                    
You'll like this a lot.                                     
Late abortion of his partial term.                          
                                                            
15519 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's gala that's now being planned                     
Will be presidentially grand.                               
After cruising the snacks                                   
Bill may bring out his sax                                  
And ask to sit in with the band.                            
                                                            
15520 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



If he wins, Bill can climb off the fence.                   
There will be no more need for pretense.                    
Like it or not,                                             
We'll see what we bought,                                   
And find out what we're all up against.                     
                                                            
15521 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



On the messenger some place the blame.                      
We fight back and hope this will inflame.                   
A real Clintonologist                                       
And licensed Proctologist                                   
Have a subject that's really the same.                      
                                                            
15522 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



To the gays, Bill has told many lies;                       
Frisco visit, there's fire in their eyes.                   
You can feel the rage;                                      
They are rushing the stage;                                 
Bill, get set for a rectal surprise.                        
                                                            
15523 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



"Forget history," said someone of note,                     
"And your bound to relive it," unquote.                     
The last several years                                      
Have rekindled my fears                                     
Of how easily we're made the goat.                          
                                                            
15524 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            John Miller              



That Clinton's one hell of a chap.                          
Monica's dress? A mishap.                                   
But when he gets off his balls,                             
Behind terrorist walls,                                     
They get much more than stains on their lap.                
                                                            
15525 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Bob Mornington           



"Now hear this, y'all," said the President.                 
"We'll exclude all talk that is dissident.                  
We'll smoke out the Far-Right,                              
With the Doles we will fight,                               
Then seal up the leaks in the residence."                   
                                                            
15526 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Mike O'Conner            



Poor Bill's now a figure of fun;                            
Though as president, second to none.                        
But listen, you guys                                        
Just a word to the wise;                                    
If you cross him, your days they are done.                  
                                                            
15527 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Hamwic                   



There's a guy who is quite influential,                     
In fact he is quite presidential.                           
Though the Press tries to ruin                              
With tales of his screwing,                                 
In the White House he's still residential.                  
                                                            
15528 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Raymond Davies           



Bill's done many things that aren't lawful;                 
Big decisions are clearly quite awful.                      
He'll go South and then North,                              
Change his mind back and forth,                             
And his brand new symbol's a waffle.                        
                                                            
15529 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



"For social injustice, I'm sure                             
High taxes will serve as the cure,"                         
Said Bill Clinton. "They'll bitch,                          
But I'll take from the rich                                 
The wealth that they've filched from the poor."             
                                                            
15530 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            John Sandler        P9303



"To cure economic austerity,"                               
Said Clinton with phony sincerity,                          
"I've discovered a way                                      
To make larceny pay--                                       
By taxing you into prosperity."                             
                                                            
15531 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            John Sandler        P9308



Hillary, Billary, Socks,                                    
With the Clintons, the White House really rocks.            
Can the Nation come to grips                                
With the spirit of "Read My Lips,"                          
We fill in the "Amount you owe" box.                        
                                                            
15532 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's new obfuscation's a doozy!                           
So he left to go dance the Watusi.                          
If he's boiled in a pot,                                    
In some African spot,                                       
We'll know cannibals just ain't too choosy.                 
                                                            
15533 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Marsha Magee             



"In memory of the Bambino,"                                 
Said a baseball umpire from Reno.                           
"We screamed the first call                                 
When Bill tossed the first ball,                            
And Pat tossed out the first Latino.                        
(Pat who? Buchanan? Which spic?)                            
15534 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9606



That he's crooked we all would agree,                       
And quite soon some surprises we'll see.                    
Events become clearer                                       
As Bill bumps the mirror,                                   
He looks up and says "Pardon me!"                           
                                                            
15535 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



I guess I don't have enough time                            
To put it all together in rhyme.                            
What Starr's taken from me                                  
Will be in history,                                         
As the ultimate Whitewater crime.                           
                                                            
15536 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Dave                     



Netanyahu wants treatment that's fair,                      
And with Willy, he's ready for bear.                        
FBI leads the way                                           
And they're not shy to say,                                 
"Our own Yahoo awaits you in there."                        
                                                            
15537 CLINTON - PRESIDENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Angry women and minorities aren't pleased                   
So Bill Clinton can't help feeling squeezed.                
To get them off his neck,                                   
Prop 209 he'll reject,                                      
And just hope their demands are appeased.                   
                                                            
15538 CLINTON - RACE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



When we voted and 209 passed,                               
Equal treatment was within our grasp.                       
But a judge did not like it                                 
And decided to strike it.                                   
I think we've been bit by an asp.                           
                                                            
15539 CLINTON - RACE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



At midnight the streets fill with crooks.                   
Now Bill want's them out shooting hooks.                    
They're not firing a gun.                                   
While slam-dunking is fun,                                  
Whites and Asians are hitting the books.                    
                                                            
15540 CLINTON - RACE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill again showed his bright yellow streak                  
Under cover of darkness last week.                          
He will work to suspend                                     
209 for his friends,                                        
He revealed Friday night in a squeak.                       
                                                            
15541 CLINTON - RACE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



GSA would not pay uptown rent,                              
So to a Harlem office Bill went.                            
That is so apropos                                          
Because, as we all know,                                    
Bill says he's first Black President.                       
                                                            
15542 CLINTON - RACE                                          



Racial strife is a media attraction.                        
TV news thrives on violence and action.                     
Newsmen stir up the hate                                    
Then they stand back and wait                               
And watch for the arrival of Jackson.                       
                                                            
15543 CLINTON - RACE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



If their chances for futures are waived,                    
Oakland's black students may not be saved.                  
It sure seems ironic,                                       
And almost demonic,                                         
Ebonics could keep them enslaved.                           
                                                            
15544 CLINTON - RACE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The news media just loves to stir                           
Corporate pots to dig up racial slurs.                      
They're creatively lax                                      
Publicizing the facts.                                      
Cameras roll when the big fight occurs!                     
                                                            
15545 CLINTON - RACE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The traffic was honkin' and snarlin',                       
As Bill Clinton took new digs in Harlem;                    
His plans are obscure,                                      
And probably impure,                                        
But no doubt, he's the media's darlin'.                     
                                                            
15546 CLINTON - RACE                 Dr Limerick              



Bill Clinton was smilin' and gleamin'                       
In a blue suit made by Hickey-Freeman,                      
And custom made shoes,                                      
But just look at that 'do'!                                 
It's true!  The man's really a demon!                       
                                                            
15547 CLINTON - RACE                 Jenni Saqua              



The sex taboo's gone without trace,                         
But a new one has taken its place,                          
Where you better not raise                                  
(Not even in praise!)                                       
Any hint on the subject of race.                            
                                                            
15548 CLINTON - RACE                 John                     



Bill consumed far too many at Hooters,                      
And told secrets to some of his rooters.                    
You know boys will be boys                                  
And my most favorite toys                                   
Are my basement Big Brother computers.                      
                                                            
15549 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Those wise guys who hold up Congress,                       
Just love to poke this sore mess.                           
They don't know their butt                                  
From a hole in the gut;                                     
In this country, they cause such distress.                  
                                                            
15550 CLINTON - SECRETS              Karen                    



Bill's circle of friends is still growing.                  
Foreign interest show no sign of slowing.                   
In a note to Khadafi:                                       
"Let's meet and do coffee."                                 
Beside java, what else will be flowing?                     
                                                            
15551 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The President dodges and flinches,                          
As scandals tighten 'round him by inches.                   
His mind's occupied                                         
Trying to save his own hide,                                
Leaving others to feel all the pinches.                     
                                                            
15552 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Why isn't Bill Clinton more curious                         
About White House activities spurious.                      
The evidence shows                                          
He already knows.                                           
Otherwise he would no doubt be furious.                     
                                                            
15553 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Many men ponder Clinton's effect                            
On the females he seems to collect.                         
Well, here's what I think:                                  
Bill is pudgy and pink,                                     
"Just a child" Moms forgive and protect.                    
                                                            
15554 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



As he watches his future turn dim,                          
They'll be hanging Bill out on a limb.                      
His troubles aren't pretty;                                 
He'll find even Liddy                                       
Would refuse to be quiet for him.                           
(G Gordon Liddy, Watergate conspirator)                     
15555 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



When the fund-raising iceberg floats by,                    
You can see just the part that rides high.                  
The rest of the floe                                        
Lies hidden below                                           
In the murk, out of view of the eye.                        
                                                            
15556 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



What the heck's going on at Long Beach?                     
Just how far does the treachery reach?                      
There is no excuse                                          
For this power abuse.                                       
We demand that it STOP with a screech.                      
                                                            
15557 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Now the spotlight is pointed their way                      
But the White House has little to say.                      
They cloak their warships                                   
With "bi-partisanship"                                      
To avoid a melt-down expose!                                
                                                            
15558 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



We all know deep in our guts,                               
That a White Water deal has been cut.                       
The crooks will go free                                     
If they all will agree                                      
To mark time and to keep their mouths shut.                 
                                                            
15559 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The handwriting's now on the wall.                          
The sword is poised ready to fall.                          
To avoid giving answers                                     
About White House "cancers"                                 
The only trick left is to stall.                            
                                                            
15560 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The reports of a John Huang defection                       
Will not stimulate White House affection.                   
If the base of Bill's throne                                
Is torn down, stone by stone,                               
Mr. Huang may need full-time protection.                    
                                                            
15561 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



I think most of us can agree                                
The White House must be panicky.                            
They scramble about                                         
Hoping we won't find out                                    
The stuff they don't want us to see.                        
                                                            
15562 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was once was a man from Arkansas                      
Who had secrets not everyone saw.                           
But it's still not evident,                                 
Even though he is president,                                
That Clinton's not wanted by the law.                       
                                                            
15563 CLINTON - SECRETS              Lawrence Craft           



The media has had plenty enough                             
Of Clinton's escapades in the buff.                         
Was it all an act                                           
To cover the fact                                           
That someone stole nuclear stuff?                           
                                                            
15564 CLINTON - SECRETS              Anon                     



White House visitors taking a stroll                        
In the garden should watch out for holes.                   
You will not find slugs                                     
Or othere bad bugs                                          
But the lawn has been riddled by "moles".                   
                                                            
15565 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



If Senator Dodd has his way,                                
He'll derail the DNC expose.                                
If there's nothing to hide,                                 
Why not just step aside?                                    
What secrets are hidden away?                               
(DNC - Democratic Nation Committee)                         
15566 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



With their eyes closed, they say Bill is fine;              
"He's protecting those freebies of mine."                   
But I say to you fools,                                     
You are Slick Willy's tools,                                
And your head's where the sun never shines.                 
                                                            
15567 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Using loopholes, Bill glides like an eel,                   
All over the world, making deals.                           
He enters the lairs                                         
Of both tigers and bears.                                   
U.S. assets are served with each meal.                      
                                                            
15568 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The White House computer debut                              
Has proved our suspicions were true.                        
The Big Brother hacks                                       
Are digging up facts.                                       
Is the Watch Bird at work watching you?                     
                                                            
15569 CLINTON - SECRETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A computer could help in detecting                          
The secrets that Clinton's protecting.                      
If there's no Watergate                                     
In Clinton's home state,                                    
They'll need rapid Whitewater inspecting.                   
                                                            
15570 CLINTON - SECRETS              Larry Dahl               



There lives a president namd Bill,                          
Who fucked us all, while on the hill.                       
We thought it was strange,                                  
But his opponents are deranged.                             
What great advertisements for the Pill!                     
                                                            
15571 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jersey City              



A win for the radical right?                                
Now it's Al Gore they must fight.                           
And it's highly unusual                                     
If not unconstitutional,                                    
To use feds on the Prez in the night.                       
                                                            
15572 CLINTON - TIRADE               M David Tilson           



I'm Clinton, I'm bad through and through,                   
And there's plenty of folks know that too.                  
But they are afraid                                         
(Or else have been paid)                                    
There's damn little they're apt to do!                      
                                                            
15573 CLINTON - TIRADE               H Welchel                



With "bipartisanship" ready to sail,                        
Democrats snubbed their place at the rail.                  
Their petulant balk                                         
Left them back on the dock,                                 
Voices raised in an indignant wail.                         
                                                            
15574 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



They have now hit a big wall of stone,                      
To delay and obstruct and postpone;                         
Avoid in any way                                            
The reckoning day                                           
When they'll have built Willie a throne.                    
                                                            
15575 CLINTON - TIRADE               Puff Adder               



Whereas both of the Clintons are crass,                     
And if tested on truth, they can't pass.                    
A new broom has swept clean --                              
What a refreshing scene --                                  
The White House graced with Bush family class.              
                                                            
15576 CLINTON - TIRADE                                        



I'm Chelsea, and I feel so sad,                             
To have such a creep for a dad --                           
It's all over T.V.                                          
For the whole world to see,                                 
And laugh, 'cause the country's been had!                   
                                                            
15577 CLINTON - TIRADE               Kaylin Brandon           



Then they looted the White House with zeal;                 
It was just, they thought, part of the deal.                
From the White House collection,                            
Make any selection --                                       
It's not beneath the Clintons to steal.                     
(republican lie)                                            
15578 CLINTON - TIRADE                                        



Tricky Dick has been made to look sick                      
By Billy, the King of the Slick,                            
Who by actions demeaning,                                   
Has given new meaning                                       
To the term that applies, "Crooked Prick!"                  
                                                            
15579 CLINTON - TIRADE               John Miller              



Brave Willy!  You didn't inhale,                            
So I guess then can't put you in jail.                      
I'm so glad your creed                                      
Embraces the weed;                                          
I'm sure your crusade will prevail!                         
                                                            
15580 CLINTON - TIRADE               John Miller              



Will anything grow from this fuss?                          
Will the taxpayers benefit thus?                            
(Will Bubba in jail                                         
Do unto his tail                                            
As he and his crew do to us?)                               
                                                            
15581 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Democrats are now feeling the squeeze                       
As their base begins showing unease.                        
But Clinton just scoffs                                     
As he brushes blame off.                                    
He explains, "Every dog has its fleas."                     
                                                            
15582 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's a tip that I can't make much plainer:                
"Beware the deceitful campaigner."                          
We need a great man,                                        
With a sold game plan,                                      
Not a giant-sized empty container.                          
                                                            
15583 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Here at home, Mr. Clinton's indicted,                       
But the crimes he has done won't be righted.                
Folks think our good times                                  
Somehow justify crimes                                      
So the voters are far from delighted.                       
                                                            
15584 CLINTON - TIRADE               John Miller              



So the victories were won at great cost.                    
We proceed, for the die has been tossed.                    
But the truth tends to stun;                                
Battles were won,                                           
In both cases the war appears lost.                         
                                                            
15585 CLINTON - TIRADE               John Miller              



When Bill Clinton is down at the poll,                      
And his campaign is out of control,                         
A victim comes forward                                      
And falls on his sword                                      
To make sure Clinton reaches his goal.                      
                                                            
15586 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Clinton, the President;                                 
The liberals think I'm heaven-sent.                         
I can do with my schwantz                                   
Whatever I wants;                                           
Like my dick, you can all go get bent!                      
                                                            
15587 CLINTON - TIRADE               H Welchel                



In order to float their own boat,                           
The Democrats must have your vote.                          
If you give it away,                                        
They'll be here to stay.                                    
They'll grab all of us by the throat.                       
                                                            
15588 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



The goal Clinton seized on since birth,                     
Was to wield the most power on earth.                       
He pulled out all the stops                                 
In his climb to the top.                                    
In the long run, just what was it worth?                    
                                                            
15589 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



His handlers are always astute,                             
And Bill has now gained in repute.                          
It was always his aim                                       
And now Clinton can claim                                   
I am relevant, I was with Newt.                             
                                                            
15590 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a ignorant mob,                              
Who supported a political slob.                             
But with hardly a dent                                      
Above forty percent,                                        
He now has the president's job.                             
                                                            
15591 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Just out of the hot rumor mill:                             
"FBI to investigate Bill!"                                  
(For aspersions quite snide,                                
To get under Hyde's hide,                                   
And intimidate those on the Hill.)                          
                                                            
15592 CLINTON - TIRADE               John Miller              



We are tired of the hawing and hemming.                     
What we want is a "big spending" stemming.                  
Liberals lead us along                                      
With a false-noted song.                                    
Aren't you tired of just being a lemming?                   
                                                            
15593 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Though his plate overflowed -- his third --                 
Bill's dinner was meatless, I heard.                        
To the fowl, now belated,                                   
He felt almost related,                                     
A lame duck soon to be a jailbird!                          
                                                            
15594 CLINTON - TIRADE               Paul VerNooy        T9712



Liberals are in for a scare,                                
'Cause Slick Willie just isn't aware                        
That raising our tax                                        
And spending the max,                                       
Will leave our economy bare.                                
                                                            
15595 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



The problem has been, all along,                            
That so many of the "liberal" throng                        
Try to rationalize,                                         
And make up "white" lies,                                   
Until they can't tell right from wrong!                     
                                                            
15596 CLINTON - TIRADE               John Miller              



Clinton thinks we're a bunch of dumb sheep,                 
Whose votes can be bought off real cheap.                   
It's time that he learned                                   
The main flock has turned.                                  
It's time to shear Little Bo Peep.                          
                                                            
15597 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's White House will be overthrown.                   
He's about to be pushed off the throne.                     
One pawn of the king                                        
Is getting ready to sing.                                   
And it may or may not be Livingstone.                       
                                                            
15598 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



We took it as Ms. Rodham cackled;                           
Big Government they've never tackled.                       
We've been tricked and manured,                             
And these years we've endured;                              
Perhaps the next four, they'll be shackled.                 
                                                            
15599 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton must not get much sleep.                            
Facial furrows and bags appear deep.                        
As much as he tries,                                        
He just can't disguise                                      
That mistakes he has made won't be cheap.                   
                                                            
15600 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary Billary Socks,                                      
The President's head's full of rocks.                       
He wants us to pay                                          
More in taxes today.                                        
Guess I'll have to wear holes in my socks.                  
                                                            
15601 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Hey Bill, the truth can't be ducked;                        
In '96 the Dems will be bucked.                             
If not on the chin,                                         
And the bastards are in,                                    
The Nation will truly be fucked!                            
                                                            
15602 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



It's certain that I've had my fill                          
Of Hillary Clinton and Bill.                                
Though the thought's hardly witty,                          
I think it's a pity                                         
Their mothers weren't both on the pill.                     
                                                            
15603 CLINTON - TIRADE               John Miller              



Democrats are now shaking with fear                         
As they sense that a meltdown is near.                      
A new witness signed on;                                    
Wiggle-room is all gone;                                    
Their prize bull has been changed to a steer.               
                                                            
15604 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Clinton, and I can't be chucked;                        
From office I cannot be plucked.                            
The fate of the nation                                      
Precludes condemnation --                                   
(Monica ain't the only one I've fucked!)                    
                                                            
15605 CLINTON - TIRADE               Kaylin Brandon           



A senate bid for old Bill is in reach;                      
And history has something to teach.                         
A senator/president                                         
Has a great precedent;                                      
The last was another they won't impeach.                    
                                                            
15606 CLINTON - TIRADE               Frank Petersohn          



Is it worse to play fool with a judge                       
Or go on TV with your fudge?                                
Now Willie's done both --                                   
Though his lies are loath,                                  
I still George and Ron more begrudge.                       
                                                            
15607 CLINTON - TIRADE               H Whelchel               



Clinton's been neither crowned nor ordained,                
But his reign has been far from restrained.                 
When folks wake up tomorrow                                 
They will find to their sorrow,                             
Who's in line to receive the royal pain.                    
                                                            
15608 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Democratic resolve we applaud;                              
But their perception is flawed.                             
Together like glue,                                         
Disregarding what's true;                                   
Their conclusions are really quite odd.                     
                                                            
15609 CLINTON - TIRADE               Squeaky                  



Bill's facade is starting to slip.                          
The veneer is now hanging in strips.                        
As each layer peels 'way,                                   
We find only clay,                                          
And there isn't an inch without chips.                      
                                                            
15610 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton can't figure out what went wrong;                   
The "people" aren't singing his song.                       
Well, here is the gist:                                     
The "people" are pissed!                                    
And are set to give Clinton the gong!                       
                                                            
15611 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



"I do not need to hear one more word."                      
Quoth the erudite senator Byrd.                             
To show his true fabric,                                    
The veteran maverick                                        
Returns to his partisan herd!"                              
                                                            
15612 CLINTON - TIRADE               George Maschke           



Affirming his power to pervert                              
Whilst donning his purple-hued shirt,                       
This felon most regal                                       
Does all things Illegal,                                    
Yet fancies himself the most hurt!                          
                                                            
15613 CLINTON - TIRADE                                        



Far be it from me to pervert us,                            
But some things just aren't gonna hurt us.                  
People in foreign lands                                     
Shake their heads 'stead of hands,                          
When they see us point out how Bill's serviced.             
                                                            
15614 CLINTON - TIRADE                                        



'Though to me it does not seem that bad,                    
Some people in this country get mad.                        
All the talk in this nation                                 
Of elected flirtation,                                      
Makes me wonder who's really been had!                      
                                                            
15615 CLINTON - TIRADE                                        



Now I'm not saying he is a saint,                           
But this school-yard talk certainly ain't.                  
What we should be achieving,                                
All our methods are leaving                                 
Our newscasters with lack of restraint.                     
                                                            
15616 CLINTON - TIRADE                                        



Clinton's pal Panetta tries stalling;                       
In court, his pals, Ken Starr is hauling.                   
As they burn, Bill will fiddle,                             
And just like Chicken Little                                
Rodham's screaming, "Oh no! The sky's falling!"             
                                                            
15617 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Democrats have played footloose and fast,                   
Throwing "bombs" but were caught in the blast.              
When they used dynamite,                                    
It gave off lots of light.                                  
They can't hide their soiled present and past.              
                                                            
15618 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh neighbors, just what have we done?                       
We're caught in a web we have spun.                         
We helped Clinton spin it                                   
And not we're caught in it,                                 
And the spider won't stop till he's done.                   
                                                            
15619 CLINTON - TIRADE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Bowing his head in despair,                                 
The President prayed this short prayer:                     
Give me a break!                                            
I made a mistake!                                           
This whole thing is so goddamned unfair!                    
                                                            
15620 CLINTON - TIRADE               George Maschke           



Bill's sex-life?  Hey, who gives a shit?                    
Who cares if he can't keep it zipped?                       
But selling the country                                     
And his effrontry,                                          
Is what made that sleazebag unfit.                          
                                                            
15621 CLINTON - TIRADE                                        



"Send the missiles!"  Bill cried, "On the double!           
To reduce those Afghanis to rubble."                        
It made sense, he decided;                                  
His missile (unguided)                                      
Was the thing that had got him in trouble.                  
                                                            
15622 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     David Finley             



A change needed, is ever so true.                           
But the last change we had ('92)                            
Was to already-soiled                                       
So the purpose was foiled --                                
Here's a change that's now years overdue!                   
                                                            
15623 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     John Miller              



Starr learned from a Monica letter                          
The technique that our Bill used to get her.                
They practiced precision                                    
New age circumcision.                                       
As Reformed, she'd not known any better.                    
                                                            
15624 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     David Finley             



Starr's attackers are forming a mob;                        
They hate him for doing his job.                            
In spite of Bill's mess                                     
On Monica's dress,                                          
We are told we should CREDIT the slob!                      
                                                            
15625 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Publius            TP9901



If you're going to commit "Arkancide"                       
Rules suck -- but you must abide --                        f
Fear a subpoena;                                            
Dig deep in Mena,                                           
And crap out in places to hide!                             
                                                            
15626 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Marsh Magee        TP9807



"Only throw the first stone," says Bill,                    
"If you are sin free, if you will."                         
By this means, the crook                                    
Hopes to get off the hook;                                  
Should we empty all prisons, as well?                       
                                                            
15627 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Joe Long                 



I'm Clinton, I can't be removed,                            
Though my crimes may be many and proved.                    
'Cause they don't have the will                             
On Capitol Hill,                                            
When the polls show that that's disapproved.                
                                                            
15628 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     John Miller              



If you want to succeed, call a pro.                         
To cut losses, you must call Perot.                         
You can't call Slick Willie                                 
Or Chelsea or Millie.                                       
Get someone to watch all our dough.                         
                                                            
15629 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Al Willis                



Regarding the Dow, Bill is mute.                            
Credit the GOP and Newt.                                    
This Prez is a sleaze,                                      
So why can't we please                                      
Give this lecherous cad, the boot?                          
                                                            
15630 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     MrMalo                   



The Clinton's complexions are ruddy;                        
Their record is shameful and bloody.                        
The most skilful bard                                       
Would find it quite hard,                                   
That pair's reputation to muddy.                            
                                                            
15631 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     John Miller              



The ChiComs gave money galore     (Chinese communists)      
To the campaign of Clinton and Gore.                        
Bill's impeachment reason                                   
Should be called treason,                                   
And include accomplice Al Gore.                             
                                                            
15632 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Please help Clinton in keeping his job,                     
Where he's in a position to rob                             
Everyone without fail,                                      
Without going to jail,                                      
Or getting rubbed out by the mob.                           
                                                            
15633 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



The First Daughter has caught a bad sneeze;                 
Our Leader has damaged his knees;                           
And when asked of things shady,                             
It seems the First Lady                                     
Has contracted Alzheimer's Disease.                         
                                                            
15634 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



To the eyes of this Clinton-hater,                          
The Prez to Photo-ops does cater;                           
In the South African Union                                  
He took Holy Communion.                                     
Do you think he attended a Seder?                           
                                                            
15635 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Puff Adder               



Bill loves power, the poor guy can't hide it.               
He got hooked the first time that he tried it.              
We were duped and supplied it                               
And Bill climbed astride it.                                
I wonder how long he can ride it?                           
                                                            
15636 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Ministers in the White House are staying,                   
They help Clinton avoid sin by their praying.               
And watch the bedroom Lincoln;                              
This sure has me thinkin';                                  
I wonder how much they are paying.                          
                                                            
15637 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Frank Petersohn          



Said Our Leader to a willing young lass,                    
"Here's your chance to be truly first class.                
It is really quite slick                                    
To lick the first prick.                                    
Mike and George only get to kiss ass."                      
                                                            
15638 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     David Finley             



Two men different in so many ways --                        
One earns jeers while the other earns praise.               
Let's contrast and compare                                  
Just how each of them fare                                  
When we look at these last hundred days.                    
                                                            
15639 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



When Bill Clinton -- the thief of renown --                 
Left the White House and got out of town                    
He showed he is white trash                                 
As he took campaign cash                                    
And White House gifts which weren't nailed down.            
                                                            
15640 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



As he left, Clinton pardoned Marc Rich,                     
Susan McDougal (she was no snitch),                         
And Bill the draft-dodger                                   
Pardoned his brother Roger --                               
In the Hall of Shame he earned a new niche.                 
                                                            
15641 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



To the White House the Bush family moved --                 
So the occupant status improved.                            
But when they arrived there                                 
Living quarters were bare --                                
Because furnishings Clinton removed.                        
(accusation turned out to be Republican bull shit - McW)    
15642 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



Bill's crimes are now coming to light;                      
Mr. Rogers will join in the fight.                          
On his very next show,                                      
He'll ask kids what they know.                              
Boys and girls, can you say "indict"?                       
                                                            
15643 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Rodham tries to act sweet and demure,                       
And Bill's feeling your pain, that's for sure.              
But from him and his wench                                  
We're detecting a stench;                                   
Every day's a new pile of manure.                           
                                                            
15644 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



But some folks will never repent,                           
Of their Bill they will never relent,                       
No matter how sleazy                                        
Or crooked or cheeesy,                                      
They'll defend the big creep -- it's their bent!            
                                                            
15645 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



From mean-awful-gun-bills protect us;                       
Does he say stupid things just to vex us?                   
After speech quite absurd,                                  
Willy's comment was heard:                                  
"They'd cut us a new one in Texas!"                         
                                                            
15646 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Our president's name is Slick Willie,                       
Who thinks fidelity is silly.                               
He'll pull down his pants                                   
(A re-election stance)                                      
And he'll find that November is chilly!                     
                                                            
15647 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Dean                     



Have mercy, O Lord, on this sinner.                         
But please notice, O Lord, I came in her                    
Sweet mouth with my pole,                                   
Which provides a loophole                                   
That my lawyers all claim is a winner.                      
                                                            
15648 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     David Finley             



He's no longer famed for his hard on                        
Or his lies about holes he's parred on.                     
Now the guys like Marc Rich                                 
Give the son of a bitch,                                    
Gobs of cash and then beg his pardon.                       
                                                            
15649 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Tom Patton          P0105



Said Clinton in reply to the press,                         
"These pardons are causing distress.                        
I am shocked and dismayed                                   
That you say I was paid!                                    
Why do you and your ilk second guess?"                      
                                                            
15650 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Tom Patton          P0105



Clinton's make-believe world has been rocked                
And he cannot believe he's been mocked.                     
When challenged on pardons,                                 
His lower jaw hardens                                       
And he says, "If you doubt me, I'm shocked!"                
                                                            
15651 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Rightwing...com     P0104



"How absurd! It was not quid pro quo!                       
I am shocked that you're judging me so!                     
Her exotic perfume                                          
Spelled my legacy's doom --                                 
It had nothing to do with the dough!"                       
                                                            
15652 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     William N Nesbit    P0104



Yes, we have squandered a fortune;                          
The country's been in a contortion.                         
But it isn't too late                                       
To seal Clinton's fate,                                     
And do a post-partum abortion.                              
                                                            
15653 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Liam na Beag             



With Bill Clinton, don't be taken in;                       
He'll say anything just to win.                             
Promises from his mouth                                     
Quickly turn and go south,                                  
Just as soon as the ballots are in.                         
                                                            
15654 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton kills budget bills with a strike,                   
But he's forced to sign some he dislikes.                   
But before the ink dries,                                   
He makes plans to revise                                    
All the bills that his buddies don't like.                  
                                                            
15655 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Clinton, my rod and my staff                            
Are beaten by no one by half.                               
My staff puts great spin                                    
On all of my sin,                                           
While my rod gives me many a laugh.                         
                                                            
15656 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     John Miller              



I'm Clinton and you can trust me!                           
I'm honest as honest can be!                                
I only tell lies                                            
Like the rest of you guys,                                  
When it helps me to get off scot-free.                      
                                                            
15657 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     John Miller              



The president's loud protestation                           
On his fall to the intern's temptation:                     
"This affair is still moral,                                
As long as it's oral.                                       
Straight screwing I save for the nation."                   
                                                            
15658 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     David Finley             



It's election time, Clinton is spewing                      
All the tax cuts and projects he's doing.                   
But come late December,                                     
He'll not remember,                                         
And it's you and it's me he'll be screwing!                 
                                                            
15659 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



It has recently become quite plain:                         
Our economy's circling the drain.                           
We are barely afloat,                                       
Without a life boat.                                        
But the Clintons still sip their champagne.                 
                                                            
15660 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Willie grew up, I'm afraid                                  
Quite a life for himself he has made.                       
He may be a real prick                                      
But we laugh, call him "Slick",                             
He's a crook with it made in the shade                      
                                                            
15661 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



White House spin doctors, tight-lipped with speech,         
Need a plan to clean up and throw bleach                    
On the mountain of muck                                     
In which Clinton is stuck,                                  
Like a sick whale washed up on the beach.                   
                                                            
15662 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Once again Clinton's under attack;                          
For a bimbo, he jumped in the sack.                         
He said, with a hiss,                                       
"To get out of this,                                        
I'll lob a few bombs at Iraq."                              
                                                            
15663 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Shadowloup               



Every day some new Democrat sighs,                          
That Bill really was not very wise                          
To go out with a whimper                                    
And a bit of a simper,                                      
With the rugs, silverware, and more lies.                   
                                                            
15664 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED                              



I'm Clinton, the nation's chief crook;                      
On chutzpah, I've written the book.                         
The Republicans raved                                       
At my actions depraved,                                     
Now look how them suckers been took!                        
                                                            
15665 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     John Miller              



The mood at the White House is tense                        
As subpoena deliveries commence.                            
Those facing indicting                                      
Are engaged in nail-biting,                                 
While their hearts palpitate in suspense.                   
                                                            
15666 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Sex it has been since December;                             
That's not where it started, remember?                      
The Whitewater fraud                                        
And others -- Good God!                                     
Will this crook still be here next September?               
                                                            
15667 CLINTON - TIRADE - ACCUSED     John Miller              



When a surgeon takes cancerous lump,                        
To call him a hero we jump.                                 
The opposite's true                                         
In the Democrat's view;                                     
Impeaching that arrogant hump!                              
                                                            
15668 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Squeaky                  



As for Bill, who is not half as smart:                      
Will he function when they are apart                        
Or slink back to Hope,                                      
And get caught dealing dope,                                
And prove that he's not worth a fart?                       
                                                            
15669 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED                             



When your passion for Bill has gone sour,                   
Just obstruct his addiction to power.                       
You can squelch the game plan                               
Of the razorback clan,                                      
If you send them all off to the showers.                    
                                                            
15670 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Jim Weaver Collection    



The floods have caused problems, they say,                  
So Clinton will visit today                                 
With a partial solution                                     
For this State's pollution:                                 
It'll lessen when he goes away!                             
                                                            
15671 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED                             



Stout William!  Despite all predictions,                    
You've held to you innermost conviction.                    
Like that other guy                                         
Who believed the Big Lie,                                   
Was the greatest of social prescriptions.                   
                                                            
15672 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    John Miller              



At a dinner in greater Van Nuys,                            
Bill stumped, fabricating his lies.                         
"Trust me and my plan,                                      
I'm your number one man;                                    
Are you going to finish those fries?"                       
                                                            
15673 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    TLRS                     



To say Bill is dumb, isn't true!                            
He is not bereft of IQ.                                     
But if you should mean                                      
The Washington scene,                                       
The poor guy just hasn't a clue!                            
                                                            
15674 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Larry Davis         P9505



Now what of old Bill C., our Friar?                         
His mandate to rule may expire.                             
The axe could be swift.                                     
If it cuts him adrift;                                      
At least he'll have cash to retire!                         
                                                            
15675 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Friar               T9801



Gay William!  You must get a thrill                         
That two-thirds of the folks love you still:                
That you didn't go bust                                     
From betraying your trust,                                  
Exposed like a failed circus shill.                         
                                                            
15676 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    John Miller              



On the Clintons, the polls do both;                         
There's been great economic growth.                         
The Dems say Ken Starr                                      
Has gone way too far.                                       
Who cares if Bill lied under oath.                          
                                                            
15677 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Tom Simon                



Clinton struggles to do what is right;                      
Apologize, bite his lip, look contrite.                     
But don't you be fooled,                                    
His ardor's not cooled.                                     
"Sorry" is just a sound bite.                               
                                                            
15678 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Anon                     



I wish that all people were free,                           
Well fed and without misery;                                
But I REALLY would smile                                    
Could I be a Rottweil-                                      
-er and Clinton a very small tree.                          
                                                            
15679 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED                             



There once was a man named Bill,                            
Who had one too many a pill.                                
He said he would lead                                       
As President, indeed,                                       
And he led the U.S. down the hill.                          
                                                            
15680 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    John Miller's daughter   



Clinton's promises really are cheap;                        
They roll off his tongue in his sleep.                      
When they fail to come true,                                
Willie knows what to do:                                    
"Feel your pain, hang his head, and then weep."             
                                                            
15681 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Jim Weaver Collection    



Our disgust with slick Bill we can't mask.                  
There's a favor we can't wait to ask.                       
Gloves come off of the shelf,                               
"Sir, please do to yourself                                 
An impossible bodily task."                                 
                                                            
15682 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Jim Weaver Collection    



It's First Marriage, year twenty-three,                     
But where are Bill and Hillary?                             
She's on a trip, long planned;                              
In DC, Bill's making a stand.                               
Well, Clintons, Happy Anniversary!                          
                                                            
15683 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Tom Simon                



The public is hardly astute;                                
It's amazing what they can call cute.                       
Having gun molls                                            
and Cabbage Patch Dolls,                                    
And the leader they picked is a beaut!                      
                                                            
15684 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    John Miller              



To describe the distaste that they foster,                  
Just take a look at the personnel roster.                   
The First Lady, to wit,                                     
Ain't worth a good shit,                                    
And as President, Bill's an imposter.                       
                                                            
15685 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Squeaky            TP9807



Willy, Commander in Chief!                                  
How's it feel to be worse than a thief?                     
A missle or two                                             
For distraction will do;                                    
You sure won't feel any grief.                              
                                                            
15686 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    John Miller              



That you still stick up for Slick Bill,                     
Surprises me and always will;                               
An immoral cad,                                             
And liar, real bad --                                       
Of him, I've had more than my fill.                         
                                                            
15687 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Chris Papa               



The public made OJ its hero;                                
Adored once, both Hitler and Nero.                          
Though I won't bet a tuppence,                              
They'll get their coeuppance;                               
My love for the Clintons is zero.                           
                                                            
15688 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    John Miller              



Bill Clinton has a hell of a time                           
Putting song to his rhythm and rhyme.                       
He spins all the facts                                      
And his character lacks                                     
Any virtuous thought worth a dime.                          
                                                            
15689 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Jim Weaver Collection    



You know that I'm no Clinton Fan.                           
I'm tired of his failure to plan.                           
His place in history                                        
Is really a mystery --                                      
He's just not a legacy man.                                 
                                                            
15690 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Frank Petersohn          



Lying politicos ain't nothing new;                          
It's something that all of them do.                         
But it's no accident,                                       
Even his dick is bent,                                      
'Cause of everything he has screwed.                        
                                                            
15691 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Kaylin Brandon           



Remember back in yesteryear,                                
When the big drink was Billy Beer?                          
We've got a new louse                                       
In the old White House,                                     
And this swill is much worse I fear.                        
                                                            
15692 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Skumbunny                



This country has sunk in the mire                           
When the man we have chose to admire                        
Is too meek to inhale                                       
And stays out of jail,                                      
'Cause of people too scared to inquire.                     
                                                            
15693 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    John Miller              



The ship's sinking; the Clintons they thank.                
In '96 they're afraid they'll draw blank.                   
The party they'll wreck;                                    
Let's haul them on deck;                                    
It's now time to start walking the plank.                   
                                                            
15694 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill wants to extract from my clone,                        
What I read when I'm nursing a bone?                        
But how could my sleaze                                     
Ever possibly please,                                       
Such a pro at producing his own?                            
                                                            
15695 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED                             



Clinton thinks he's the cock of the walk                    
And likes lots of young hens in his flock.                  
But his days as a rover                                     
Are soon to be over,                                        
His wings clipped by a small chicken hawk.                  
                                                            
15696 CLINTON - TIRADE - DISLIKED    Jim Weaver Collection    



Some people here hate when I bash                           
Bill Clinton, whom I think is trash.                        
You think that this slob                                    
Really does a good job.                                     
Will you still love him after The Crash.  (stockmarket)     
                                                            
15697 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       John Miller              



It is said that Prince Andrew is randy.                     
At the White House, Bill offered him candy.                 
"This is bloody delight!                                    
You're the Kingfish, all right."                            
What a photo-op: Anus and Andy!                             
                                                            
15698 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Doug from Upland    T9707



Bill!  Your fat campaign stash,                             
So bloated with illegal cash,                               
Has proven with spin,                                       
Any asshole can win,                                        
Even miserable criminal trash.                              
                                                            
15699 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       John Miller              



I'm Clinton, ex president;                                  
I stole what I could when I went.                           
The master of sleaze,                                       
I will do what I please,                                    
Get richer and never repent!                                
                                                            
15700 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED                                



The first marriage now has a new start on;                  
Hillary with a new look so smart on.                        
She got a gold pin;                                         
He won't do it again.                                       
Now they both will have a heart on.                         
                                                            
15701 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Tom Simon                



The Clintons, they do not own a home,                       
As over the world they now roam.                            
Living large with no rents                                  
At taxpayer's expense,                                      
I'm so pissed, I can't finish this poem.                    
                                                            
15702 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Tom Simon                



There once was a redneck named Bill                         
Who made it to Capitol Hill.                                
How he'll be treated in history                             
Is really a mystery,                                        
But he should be cast out with the swill.                   
                                                            
15703 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Popsicle           TP9901



Dems say it's no good for the nation,                       
This tawdry stuff on each TV station.                       
Well, we've got a solution                                  
To this news pollution:                                     
The Senate should consider castration!                      
                                                            
15704 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Frank Petersohn          



Slick Willy, the bad boy from Hope                          
Has been known many ladies to grope.                        
The place for Slick Willy                                   
Is not sleeping with Hilly,                                 
But dangling from the end of a rope.                        
                                                            
15705 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED                                



The President's in a disgrace;                              
Someone else should be taking his place.                    
First we should teach him                                   
And then we'd impeach him,                                  
Before he falls flat on his face.                           
                                                            
15706 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Arden                    



The Prez also hails from this State;                        
An Arkansan who'd probably mate                             
With any relation --                                        
But hell, the whole Nation                                  
Is fucked by the First Reprobate.                           
                                                            
15707 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Irish                    



Farewell to Bill Clinton and Gore.                          
Their ship's going down far from shore.                     
{Pardon my quip,                                            
But "Have a nice trip!"                                     
We simply can't stand four years more.                      
(Bullshit - McW)                                            
15708 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim Weaver Collection    



It seems that this sexual affair,                           
In this case is just a small hair.                          
After decades of crime,                                     
Bill Clinton's time                                         
May have come, and I'm glad I was there.                    
                                                            
15709 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       John Miller              



Oh, I'm so proud of myself!                                 
A smutty and porcine fat elf!!                              
I'm a scum sucking drone                                    
Who's sure he alone                                         
Knows what's best for the Nation itself!                    
                                                            
15710 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED                                



Those disparagers wishing him ill,                          
In the media always hoot Bill.                              
Those more deeply involved,                                 
Think the fault could be solved,                            
By interring him up on Boot Hill.                           
                                                            
15711 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Bob Giandomenico    P9803



Our communist President Bill,                               
Seeks socialist rule to instill.                            
But lewd allegations                                        
Of his carnal relations,                                    
Does occupy all his time, still.                            
                                                            
15712 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Michael W Johnson        



They continue to dish out the swill;                        
They're taking our country downhill.                        
'Cause they make us sicker,                                 
A great bumper sticker:                                     
"I don't brake for Rodham and Bill."                        
                                                            
15713 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim Weaver Collection    



"America, the budget I'll axe.                              
Only evil rich folks will I tax."                           
Honky-tonk us no more!                                      
Your tune's spent, it's a bore!                             
Slick Willy, blow it out your sax!                          
                                                            
15714 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim                      



It is time to end Slick Willy's reign;                      
If we don't, we are truly insane.                           
If he really does care,                                     
He'll get out of our hair                                   
And relieve us of most of our pain.                         
                                                            
15715 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim Weaver Collection    



Publicity hound never hesitant,                             
Our current Penn Avenue resident,                           
Perpetually posing,                                         
Our bulbous, red-nosing                                     
Slick Willy, the Photo Op President.                        
                                                            
15716 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim Weaver Collection    



Willy, today you're so slick                                
That you make Tricky Dicky look sick.                       
So no matter your crime,                                    
You'll never do time.                                       
Destroy Rule Of law!  There's the trick.                    
                                                            
15717 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       John Miller              



Would it give you a sense of elation                        
To watch Bill perform hard flagellation?                    
Or a really great measure                                   
Of absolute pleasure,                                       
If instead, it was self-immolation?                         
                                                            
15718 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Island Singer            



This is sure such a criminal bunch;                         
How to change things, we may have a hunch.                  
Of the chef we request,                                     
Sir do what is best;                                        
At the White House, E-coli for lunch.                       
                                                            
15719 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim Weaver Collection    



The trial was brought on by Ken Starr.                      
The vote was close, but no cigar.                           
His office is tarry;                                        
The president's sorry;                                      
Mr Clinton, you certain are.                                
                                                            
15720 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Tom Simon                



Clinton/Gore voters aren't unaware                          
That a stench emanates from this pair.                      
When election polls close,                                  
They'll let go of their nose,                               
But they'll find out the stink is still there.              
                                                            
15721 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim Weaver Collection    



A shout will be heard 'cross the land,                      
When Clinton is finally canned.                             
For all of our sakes,                                       
He must pack up and take                                    
His wife and their whole rag-tag band.                      
                                                            
15722 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Jim Weaver Collection    



In the last presidential election,                          
When Americans made their selection,                        
What wasn't known then                                      
That the choice of the men                                  
Was between a Vet and an Erection.                          
                                                            
15723 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED       Frank Petersohn          



On Vietnam we can nearly agree                              
(Hanging generals seems better to me!)                      
I know two evil Bills                                       
And it still gives me chills,                               
That both of them walk around free.                         
                                                            
15724 CLINTON - TIRADE - HATED                                



Bill Clinton is back in control,                            
By winning the vote over Dole.                              
The Left, they are glad;                                    
The Right, they are sad                                     
That poor Bob wound up in the hole.                         
                                                            
15725 CLINTON - VOTERS               Gifford Wherry           



Mid-term elections leave some doubt.                        
Since there was no Democratic rout,                         
Have the voters gone crazy,                                 
Or simply too lazy.                                         
Clinton's in and Newt Gingrich is out?                      
                                                            
15726 CLINTON - VOTERS               Frank Petersohn          



The people are heeding the call                             
Of a man with no morals at all.                             
Don't rock the boat!                                        
Don't get out and vote!                                     
And help re-elect Clinton this fall.                        
                                                            
15727 CLINTON - VOTERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Should Slick Willy throw in the towel?                      
Will we ever hear Hillary cry "Foul!"?                      
We'll tune in tomorrow                                      
To this tale of sorrow,                                     
But in 2000 let's elect Colin Powell.                       
                                                            
15728 CLINTON - VOTERS               Sumerman                 



Letting Bill off the hook makes me sad                      
For the next one will be just as bad.                       
As we stay in the groove,                                   
That just goes to prove,                                    
Us Americans love to be had!                                
                                                            
15729 CLINTON - VOTERS               John Miller              



I'm Clinton, the Chief of State;                            
I cheat on my country and mate.                             
Should anyone choose                                        
My ass to accuse,                                           
It's THEM all the voters will hate!                         
                                                            
15730 CLINTON - VOTERS               John Miller              



Clinton says, with his sly baby grin,                       
"A majority's needed to win.                                
So I won't fret this Fall.                                  
If I can't fool them all;                                   
If I fool more than half, I'll get in!"                     
                                                            
15731 CLINTON - VOTERS               Charlotte                



His party thought Bill so dynamic;                          
The slaughter put them in a panic.                          
Many Demo's in town                                         
Had careers just shut down.                                 
Bill's nickname is now the Titanic.                         
                                                            
15732 CLINTON - VOTERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Amendments aren't one of his jobs;                          
Such proposals are up to the slobs                          
Up there on the hill,                                       
Reflecting the will                                         
Of the States or constituent mobs.                          
                                                            
15733 CLINTON - VOTERS               John Miller              



To some, Bill's a marvelous chap.                           
They blindly fall into his trap.                            
When all things shout, "Beware!!"                           
They simply don't care.                                     
Their brains must be down for a nap.                        
                                                            
15734 CLINTON - VOTERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



"Clinton cares about you" because he                        
Needs your vote and knows you hold the key.                 
If your vote he does sway,                                  
Be assured, you will pay,                                   
When he goes on a power-drunk spree.                        
                                                            
15735 CLINTON - VOTERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Harlem is Bill's PIED-A-TERRE,                              
White House is Bush's stolen share.                         
His wife is there too,                                      
In the bedroom blue;                                        
The Supreme Court elected them there.                       
                                                            
15736 CLINTON - VOTERS               Larry                    



The election is over at last.                               
By now all the votes have been cast.                        
It's the end of "Act Two",                                  
But the play isn't through.                                 
Clinton's third act will be unsurpassed!                    
                                                            
15737 CLINTON - VOTERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



When a politician struts like he's God,                     
That's a clue that his mission is flawed.                   
And if he has a sly smirk,                                  
He's a bonafide jerk!                                       
Vote him out!  Put an end to his fraud!                     
                                                            
15738 CLINTON - VOTERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



While courting a new piece of tail,                         
Talk of weather is turning Bill pale.                       
"I'm not scared of lightning,                               
And monsoons aren't frightening,                            
But I'm really afraid of that Hale!"                        
(Hale-Bopp comet)                                           
15739 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Clinton                      
Who kept all his pearly whites glintin',                    
Bedazzling the misses,                                      
Receiving the kisses                                        
He gave them while they were still squintin'.               
                                                            
15740 CLINTON - WOMEN                Cybergeezer              



Rodham threw many objects that night;                       
They engaged in a outrageous fight.                         
She postpones the attack,                                   
When Bill swears he'll cut back.                            
Their agreement is called "Bimbo Light".                    
                                                            
15741 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



She wanted so bad to consort,                               
Knowing Willy liked sexual sport.                           
She is sure to applaud                                      
With Ms. Rodham abroad.                                     
That's today's Clinton bimbo report.                        
                                                            
15742 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's position he's made very clear;                       
He loves watching a hard-as-steel rear.                     
On his desk is a sign                                       
Truman-esque by design;                                     
It says simply "The Bimbo Stops Here!"                      
                                                            
15743 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



There protecting young Chelsea from knowing,                
But knowledge of Daddy is growing.                          
His problems are double,                                    
Yes, Willy's in trouble.                                    
She's joined in her mommy's lamp throwing.                  
                                                            
15744 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Chelsea's reported to wail,                           
"How come my dad gets all that tail?                        
My security man                                             
Is with me in the can.                                      
But my offers to screw him all fail."                       
                                                            
15745 CLINTON - WOMEN                Cole                     



Hussein will now fear insurrection.                         
Clinton now worries about the election.                     
Saddam saw family leave;                                    
Here's a thought to perceive:                               
They're concerned about Chelsea defection.                  
                                                            
15746 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Though he thought he was in it for fun,                     
Soon the scandal he couldn't outrun.                        
There is wide-spread belief                                 
Our Commanader-In-Chief                                     
Got "debriefed"; now the secret's undone.                   
                                                            
15747 CLINTON - WOMEN                Knight45a                



A man who would not be attacked,                            
To critics would firmly react.                              
In his trousers, he erred,                                  
And the subject was bared,                                  
But he strongly defended his act.                           
                                                            
15748 CLINTON - WOMEN                Albin Chaplin   3024-2428



At the visit he had with the Pope,                          
A young lady, Bill thought he could grope.                  
The Pontiff could tell                                      
He was destined for Hell;                                   
Not a Cardinal gave Willy a hope.                           
                                                            
15749 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willy was anxious to mate her,                        
But having some fun, he'd first bait her.                   
So he picked up a spud,                                     
And then stuck in his pud,                                  
Proclaiming that he's our dick tater.                       
                                                            
15750 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



In the White House, there's some tattletale,                
Who is selling some lies by retail.                         
As I entered the room,                                      
I did smell perfume,                                        
But I left, and I didn't inhale!                            
                                                            
15751 CLINTON - WOMEN                Al Willis           T9710



On Prop 187 he'll speak;                                    
Plug up the borders and stop the leak.                      
But the thought on Bill's mind                              
Was to later unwind;                                        
Proposition he'd make to Monique.                           
                                                            
15752 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



"If it's true" Patty Ireland rants,                         
"I'll be taking a much different stance.                    
If he grabbed Paula's rump,                                 
I'll demand of the chump,                                   
Drop your office like you dropped your pants."              
                                                            
15753 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



All hail to the chief, our Slick Willy.                     
Albeit his thoughts are quite silly.                        
For his future bound bridge                                 
Crosses Whitewater Ridge,                                   
And he still has an eye for a filly.                        
                                                            
15754 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Rodham thinks that adoption is best;                        
Says her dear husband's needing his rest.                   
But the truth should be known,                              
He was not there alone                                      
When he took the fertility test.                            
                                                            
15755 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



A young diner, Bill thought he could dupe;                  
So upon her he quickly did swoop.                           
She was not in the mood;                                    
His pants got in her food;                                  
She screamed, "Waiter, a fly's in my soup!"                 
                                                            
15756 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



An American Pres called Billy,                              
Had some problems controlling his willy.                    
"Oh Doctor!" he said,                                       
"I know I am wed!                                           
But pray tell, are your red panties frilly?"                
                                                            
15757 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jayne                    



Bill Clinton makes some women flip.                         
His charm makes their hearts race and skip.                 
This strange lunacy                                         
Is a mystery to me.                                         
My advice: "Get a life! Get a grip!"                        
                                                            
15758 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



The path Clinton chose for his life                         
Has produced a rich harvest of strife.                      
Bill is feeling harassed                                    
By gals from his past,                                      
And last, but not least, his own wife.                      
                                                            
15759 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



An idea I'd like to advance                                 
Concerns Bill's political dance.                            
When asked why they'll vote                                 
For a randy old goat,                                       
Women say, "Just give him a chance."                        
                                                            
15760 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



For convictions and justice we pray                         
And the time's getting closer each day.                     
We may get rid of Bill                                      
But there's one bitter pill,                                
Albert Gore's just a zipper away.                           
                                                            
15761 CLINTON - WOMEN                Doug From Upland    P9706



Our President Clinton, Slick Willie,                        
Is nuts about babes, genus filly.                           
Accused, he denies it;                                      
Step forward, who buys it;                                  
As disclaimers go, that's a dilly!                          
                                                            
15762 CLINTON - WOMEN                Armand E Singer       471



We have seen he is not worth his salt,                      
And they're all trying to pass off the fault.               
"Though from Hilly I hid,                                   
The worst thing I did                                       
Was have sex in the Madison vault."                         
                                                            
15763 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Pollsters point to a huge gender gap,                       
Female votes falling into Bill's lap.                       
Are they deaf, dumb and blind?                              
Have they all lost their minds?                             
Don't they know they've stepped into a trap?                
                                                            
15764 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



If Hussein is attacking today,                              
Miss Muffet, Bill calls right away.                         
Had his way with her twice,                                 
And then takes her advice;                                  
Now his options with Kurds he will weigh.                   
                                                            
15765 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton's unbreakable habit                            
Is pretending that he's a rabbit.                           
He makes like a bunny                                       
If it's dark or sunny --                                    
If there's a chance for sex, he'll grab it.                 
                                                            
15766 CLINTON - WOMEN                                         



Why Clinton should be under threat,                         
Is a mystery deep in the net.                               
It was Melanie                                              
Whom the felony                                             
Was committed with, thats the bet.                          
                                                            
15767 CLINTON - WOMEN                                         



When Bill attends church we are sick;                       
To be moral he cares not a lick.                            
While pretending to pray,                                   
He is wishing someday,                                      
In the pew he could nail that chick.                        
                                                            
15768 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Celebrate celibate journey,                                 
Avoid the nightmare returnee,                               
And as should have Willy,                                   
Avoid ditzy dilly,                                          
Without the need of an attorney.                            
                                                            
15769 CLINTON - WOMEN                Daniel Ford              



Bill met Maxine Waters with police;                         
She hit him with her big valise.                            
'Cause he made a pass                                       
At her big flabby ass;                                      
We get it: No justice, no piece.                            
                                                            
15770 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a proper young lady named Minton,                      
"I won't do those vile things you are hintin'.              
You should know it is so                                    
That my "no" means just "no",                               
As defined by our leader Bill Clinton."                     
                                                            
15771 CLINTON - WOMEN                                         



The girls to whom Bill takes a shine                        
Are exposed to much more than his line.                     
But whether clothed or quite bare,                          
He's always full of hot air                                 
And he never sends out Valentines.                          
                                                            
15772 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



'Tis the purpose of special commissions                     
To investigate errors and omissions,                        
But the spokeperson said                                    
That the President's bed                                    
Is reserved for nocturnal emissions.                        
                                                            
15773 CLINTON - WOMEN                Bob Birch           P9803



Just give 'em six inches; they will                         
Take it the way over the hill.                              
They're trouble you know;                                   
They don't like to let go.                                  
Hey, just ask old President Bill.                           
                                                            
15774 CLINTON - WOMEN                                         



With a drink, Willy watched Bush's doom.                    
He rubbed her and smelled her perfume.                      
The night of election                                       
He got an erection,                                         
But Rodham was not in the room.                             
                                                            
15775 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Susan M. has Bill over a barrel.                            
All the knowledge she has isn't sterile.                    
And if she's a smart cookie,                                
She will say, "OK, Snookie,                                 
Pardon me or your future's in peril!"                       
                                                            
15776 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Where Willy goes, dead bodies follow,                       
And in lies they continue to wallow.                        
Their own hole they dig;                                    
Now the scandal's so big,                                   
Linda Lovelace could not even swallow.                      
                                                            
15777 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Dirty Old President Bill,                                   
The reason he ain't screwin Hill'?                          
Well he knows that he oughta                                
But have you seen his daughter?                             
One's bad enough, but two? Fuckin' hell!!                   
                                                            
15778 CLINTON - WOMEN                                         



The press carries Bill Clinton's water;                     
About Rodham, it looks like we've caught 'er.               
Now a poll of the press                                     
Causes Willy distress;                                      
None would trust Bill alone with their daughter.            
                                                            
15779 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Now stories in DC are rife,                                 
With rumors of Bill's private life.                         
Trouble is brewing;                                         
He won't stop his screwing;                                 
And none of it's with his dear wife.                        
                                                            
15780 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



At dodging the truth Bill is shrewed.                       
No tall tale will he ever exclude.                          
About Emperor's Clothes,                                    
We know Willy has those;                                    
In a trooper car, he's always nude.                         
                                                            
15781 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



If they prove Bill Clinton did breed                        
A 13 year old with his seed,                                
Will he admit                                               
(This time, no shit)                                        
That he's now another mouth to feed.                        
                                                            
15782 CLINTON - WOMEN                Tom Patton               



Bill was up to his old tricks;                              
The Pope found a soul he can't fix.                         
"When they're done confessing,                              
And after your blessing,                                    
Let's go hustle a couple of chicks."                        
                                                            
15783 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Twenty one years ago his best man                           
Warned him, "Willy, run fast as you can!"                   
His advice was ignored,                                     
But he's never been bored,                                  
Hatching many a pants-dropping plan.                        
                                                            
15784 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



I think there is something alarming                         
That so many perceive Bill as charming.                     
Just what does it take                                      
To recognize a snake?                                       
Are his theatrical ploys that disarming?                    
                                                            
15785 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



We've a major-league President, Bill,                       
With a pitch for which players would kill.                  
He can get to first base                                    
At a blistering pace,                                       
And can score standing perfectly still.                     
                                                            
15786 CLINTON - WOMEN                Cyber Geezer             



Willy Clinton with latest poll rating,                      
Found ego and weenie inflating.                             
He thought "Paula be damned!                                
The election's in hand!                                     
And I'm off for some second-term dating!"                   
                                                            
15787 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



A presidential young stud named Billy                       
Required an occasional "filly".                             
Guarding him was scary-a-lot                                
When he sneaked to the Marriott                             
To secretly service his willy.                              
                                                            
15788 CLINTON - WOMEN                Don Hart                 



"Now the voters just don't give a damn                      
What an absolute bounder I am.                              
They don't care," Willie said,                              
"Who I take to my bed,                                      
So I'm back in the saddle! SHAZAM!"                         
(SHAZAM - changed Billy Batson into Capt Marvel - McW)      
15789 CLINTON - WOMEN                William N. Nesbit   P9609



New wisdom Slick Willy's imparted;                          
Family values, the course he has charted.                   
He's sincere as can be,                                     
You can take it from me.                                    
Several families we know that he's started.                 
                                                            
15790 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



To prove she is no tattletale,                              
Miss Susie McDee went to jail.                              
But she is no dunce.                                        
In a couple of months,                                      
She'll be out with a story for sale.                        
                                                            
15791 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



As the White House story goes stale,                        
Sue McDougal still shields Clinton's tail.                  
Though the phone does not ring,                             
She refuses to sing,                                        
As she faces more birthdays in jail.                        
                                                            
15792 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Once Bill's sign-off of over and out                        
Comes to pass, a jubilant shout                             
Will erupt from the quarters                                
Supplying escorters,                                        
Who'll make sure he'll get going without.                   
                                                            
15793 CLINTON - WOMEN                Esther Koch              



Of duct tape, you speak with respect.                       
It will repair any defect.                                  
Tape Clinton's fly shut,                                    
So he cannot rut;                                           
See if it has an effect.                                    
                                                            
15794 CLINTON - WOMEN                Marlene                  



"Just follow the yellow brick road!"                        
Congress will scrap the Tax Code.                           
Godzilla's a wussie,                                        
Bill gave up pussy,                                         
And Al Gore's not really a toad.                            
                                                            
15795 CLINTON - WOMEN                Marsha Magee       TP9806



We know Bill chases skirts like a fool.                     
The first lady stays far from his tool.                     
Let's stop the deceit;                                      
Did they really meet                                        
Sharing a woman in school.                                  
                                                            
15796 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the Prez, "I've been caught, I confess.                
There's no doubt that I made a big mess.                    
Though place to doff is                                     
Not the oval office,                                        
It was clear I was under duress!"                           
                                                            
15797 CLINTON - WOMEN                Observer                 



He'll be needing their votes for a win;                     
At the Ford Plant, he spoke with a grin.                    
"Put some astroturf here,                                   
I'll grab that lady's rear;                                 
We'll be taking your truck for a spin.                      
                                                            
15798 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



One day Clinton was horny and spunky;                       
Told an aide that he wanted her monkey.                     
His organ went limp                                         
When she brought in her chimp.                              
He decided he wasn't that funky.                            
                                                            
15799 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's lines are a casual addition                       
For eager young gals with ambition.                         
They understand when he nods,                               
"I want girls with nice bods,                               
Who will drop to their knees in submission."                
                                                            
15800 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



His critics, Bill Clinton's berating,                       
But some in the press, keep on baiting.                     
Charges cut like a knife                                    
That he'll pardon his wife.                                 
"It depends at the time, who I'm dating."                   
                                                            
15801 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl from 9-0-2-1-0,                                      
Came to D.C to find men to blow.                            
She padded her knees                                        
To be at full ease.                                         
At 1-6-0-0, who can know?                                   
(90210 - zip code Bev Hills, 1600 Penn Ave - White House)   
15802 CLINTON - WOMEN                Scandalous Limerix       



It is said that Bill's equally fond                         
Of young women, both brunette and blonde.                   
How many said "Yes"                                         
Is anyone's guess.                                          
It's not hard to catch perch in a pond.                     
                                                            
15803 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



If it's true what the "talking heads" say,                  
It was women who carried the day.                           
They love billing and cooing                                
And succumbed to Bill's wooing.                             
He conned their votes and was gone the same day.            
                                                            
15804 CLINTON - WOMEN                Jim Weaver Collection    



For his party the guests Bill selected,                     
Then Flowers showed up unexpected.                          
As she walked in the door,                                  
You could hear Rodham roar,                                 
"You're a dead man if it is erected!"                       
                                                            
15805 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



All our women he staunchly empowers;                        
For females his sympathy towers.                            
As the kindest of men,                                      
Bill's most sensitive when                                  
It is Spring, and he waters the Flowers.                    
                                                            
15806 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



Though Gennifer's love was illicit,                         
Her story was bold and explicit.                            
She can still remember                                      
Bill's undersized member,                                   
And how she won't really miss it.                           
                                                            
15807 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



The leader of all superpowers,                              
Likes B.J.'s and long golden showers.                       
Then later he disses                                        
The interns he kisses,                                      
And lounge singers that he deflowers.                       
                                                            
15808 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Irish                    



Hillary Billary Socks,                                      
The first lady wears the jocks.                             
Gennifer said,                                              
That he's good in bed,                                      
But the voters don't care about cocks!                      
                                                            
15809 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



She seemed to be just a dumb filly,                         
To the eyes of old silly Willy.                             
To her, it seemed odd                                       
That he'd grab her bod;                                     
Kiss her, and grope Willy-nilly!                            
                                                            
15810 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Everett Parke            



Many times, a man in high power                             
Had affairs with a woman named Flowers.                     
But this he denied,                                         
And he lied and he lied,                                    
Then again, he lies every hour.                             
                                                            
15811 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



John Hickey received some nice flowers                      
From Clinton, the man of great powers.                      
This would be eclectic;                                     
He's shown he's dyslexic.                                   
He meant to give hickeys to Flowers.                        
                                                            
15812 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



Hillary Rodham spent hours,                                 
Developing Bill Clinton's powers.                           
But she really got miffed                                   
When she bought him a gift,                                 
And he said that he's rather have "Flowers!"                
                                                            
15813 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



The new gardener wore overall pants,                        
Giving tips on removing the ants.                           
Then he wanted to know                                      
What Bill most liked to grow?                               
Clinton winked, bragging Flowers he plants.                 
                                                            
15814 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton and Gennifer Flowers                           
Found excitement in Quapaw Towers.                          
For skills with the mouth                                   
In zones of the south,                                      
Each respected the other ones powers.                       
                                                            
15815 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS                             



Clinton says, "It is just like back when                    
They found out I'd been seeing Gen.                         
Send your dollars and cents                                 
To pay my defense,                                          
And I'll try not to screw up again.                         
(Gen - Genifer Flowers, bimbo)                              
15816 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Ann Gasser          P9408



As you elected Washington's New Kid,                        
I promise to expurgate Cupid.                               
But if I can't tend my "Flowers,"                           
What'll I do with my hours?                                 
(Crowd response) "THE ECONOMY, STUPID!"                     
                                                            
15817 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    John Roberts        P9301



Rodham's prints on the folder, so what?                     
Please just stop it, Conspiracy Nut.                        
An exam just took place;                                    
We see Willy's red face,                                    
'Cause his prints were on Gennifer's butt.                  
                                                            
15818 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Clinton has a President's powers,                       
And keeps all the President's hours.                        
But his lawyers all know,                                   
It's really all show.                                       
He's running for Gennifer Lowers.                           
                                                            
15819 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Anon                     



Bill Clinton, he thinks he's Bon Jovi,                      
Though his pecker is clearly no trophy.                     
Since Flowers implied                                       
He not only lied,                                           
But he's also hung like an anchovy.                         
                                                            
15820 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS                             



'Tis said that poor Bill Clinton cowers                     
At talk of his sexual powers.                               
One should never pillory                                    
Long suffering Hillary;                                     
She surely did not sniff the Flowers.                       
                                                            
15821 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Theo Heller         P9301



Bill Clinton now passes the hours                           
Dreaming of expanding his powers,                           
While the Public does say                                   
They can't wait for the day                                 
Till he spends all his time tending Flowers.                
(Genifer Flowers - bimbo suing Bill for sexual harassment)  
15822 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Tom Patton          P9505



What lesson can stop Bill's trasitions?                     
He's one of our better magicians.                           
A lady named Flowers                                        
Tied Bill down for hours,                                   
To keep him from changing positions.                        
                                                            
15823 CLINTON - WOMEN - G FLOWERS    Jim Weaver Collection    



An intern who went to the Hill                              
Was told by none other than Bill,                           
"It tickles my fancy                                        
To pull down my pants, see?                                 
Your job now depends on your skill."                        
                                                            
15824 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Scott Baldwin            



Hormones got the best of Slick Bill;                        
He forgot place, in search of a thrill.                     
And an intern will use                                      
For games that he'd choose,                                 
That lead to a DNA spill.                                   
                                                            
15825 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Chris Papa               



An intern, very chubby and cute,                            
Blows seductively on the skin flute.                        
We find, somewhat later,                                    
Our Pres is a satyr,                                        
In a White House of much ill repute.                        
                                                            
15826 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Lincoln's bedroom's now yours for a fare;                   
With the truth, he's been known to split hairs.             
But you'll have to admit                                    
That he sure did his bit                                    
Taking care of intern-al affairs.                           
                                                            
15827 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Rob                      



An intern while giving some head,                           
Sucked so hard that she almost turned red.                  
Bill then said "Hee-Haw!                                    
And please watch your jaw!"                                 
But she wouldn't desist 'til he bled.                       
                                                            
15828 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS                               



A philandering President named Bill,                        
Was married to a lawyer named Hill.                         
He played on the side,                                      
And repeatedly lied,                                        
'Cause his female intern said "I will"                      
                                                            
15829 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh Father! I have a confession!                             
Hope it doesn't cause you depression.                       
I applied as intern                                         
For the Prez, and I've learned                              
My lips have made quite an impression.                      
                                                            
15830 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Stephen Ross             



There once was an intern who said,                          
"I've been in the President's bed.                          
And three times a day                                       
Bill Clinton would say:                                     
'Come here, baby, give me some head.'"                      
                                                            
15831 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Speckle Bird       TP9901



Poor old Bill is feeling randy,                             
And his Hill just isn't handy.                              
He needs to get laid,                                       
So he grabs an aide.                                        
Soon he's feeling fine and dandy.                           
                                                            
15832 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Jim Weaver Collection    



For Clinton, vacation's a dame.                             
But this year it wasn't the same.                           
This winter instead,                                        
Went to Hilton Head,                                        
Thinking Hilton's the new intern's name.                    
                                                            
15833 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Tom Patton               



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
Nope - cause he loves the sensation,                        
Of slapping his nuts                                        
On the chins and the butts,                                 
Of all the interns in the nation!                           
                                                            
15834 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS                               



Clever Billy with passion quite vast,                       
Used to talk about making it last.                          
When he chanced to discern                                  
A young nubile intern,                                      
Now he does it quite often -- and fast.                     
                                                            
15835 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Arthur Deex         P9807



Said an intern to President Clinton,                        
(Who was only subtlely hintin'),                            
"You used no protection,                                    
No, it's not an infection...                                
But some baby boots I'll be knittin'!"                      
                                                            
15836 CLINTON - WOMEN - INTERNS      Anon                     



Said Bill to a certain Ms. Willey,                          
"In the winter, my office is chilly.                        
But we could get hot                                        
If you touch the right spot...                              
Just be quiet or Hilly will kill me.                        
                                                            
15837 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Marsh Magee              



Said Clinton to Kathleen Willey,                            
"You sure are a fine looking filly!                         
Put your hand on my dick                                    
And massage it real quick,                                  
And you'll see why they call me Slick Willie!"              
                                                            
15838 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Jim Schaefer             



In August or was it November?                               
Ms. Willey, he couldn't remember!                           
But in March, he's quite sure                               
That his actions were pure.                                 
"I did not have her fondle my member!"                      
                                                            
15839 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Everett Parke            



And then there is poor Kathleen Willey,                     
A good-looking, destitute filly.                            
Her boss took his chances                                   
And made crude advances.                                    
Her tale, under oath, is a dilly!                           
                                                            
15840 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Ms. Willey said, "Bill seeks to ruin me --                  
Next thing you know, he'll be suin' me!                     
I was looking for work,                                     
When I wrote him, the Jerk!                                 
Was I better off with him wooin' me?"                       
                                                            
15841 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Everett Parke            



A president, fondly called Billy,                           
Denied ever fondling Willey.                                
He said, "She's a liar.                                     
My pants were on fire,                                      
And her hand was conveniently chilly."                      
                                                            
15842 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Inbron                   



The spin that's been spun about Willey                      
Is now coming undone, willy-nilly.                          
When all's said and done                                    
And the last spin's unspun,                                 
The threads all lead back to Slick Willie.                  
                                                            
15843 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     George Maschke           



Lying trippingly on the tongue,                             
Willey's testimony smelled like cow dung.                   
She told twelve of her peers                                
That she harbored great fears,                              
So the jury, like Clinton, was hung.                        
                                                            
15844 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Frank Petersohn          



Slick Willie -- all girls he would oogle                    
With his honor exceedingly frugal.                          
He wooed Mrs. Willy                                         
And then he got silly,                                      
And thought maybe Susan McDougall.                          
                                                            
15845 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY                              



Kathryn Willey is the latest name                           
In our prexy's hall of dame.                                
She says she was groped;                                    
He might even have poked.                                   
Is Free Willy the name of the game?                         
                                                            
15846 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Larry M                  



Despite slanders, Bill's seeking for heaven;                
He forgives at least seven times seven.                     
This trash babe who insists                                 
For twelve years they had trysts,                           
When she knows it was merely eleven.                        
                                                            
15847 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Jim Weaver Collection    



A beltway insider named Willey,                             
Went to ask for a job from her Billy.                       
But fondling his knob,                                      
HE cried, give me a job!                                    
For quid without quo, dear, is silly!                       
                                                            
15848 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY                              



In the case of Kathleen Willey,                             
To say that she's lied is silly.                            
The man has no shame;                                       
He's entirely to blame.                                     
Yes, I'm talking about President Billy.                     
                                                            
15849 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Puff Adder               



In hindsight, it looks pretty silly                         
To base a talk show on this filly.                          
Bill Clinton's a heel                                       
For copping a feel,                                         
Was all they got from One-Note Willey.                      
(Kathleen Willey talk show radio lasted two weeks)          
15850 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Dr Limerick  05-07-02    



"Willey Whacks Willy's Willie,"                             
As headlines, that would be silly.                          
If what Starr knows                                         
Goes "Thar she blows!"                                      
Willy won't be laughing, will he?                           
                                                            
15851 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Marsha Magee             



Presidential accuser Ms Kathleen Willey                     
Charged unwanted advances from Billy.                       
But the witness lied                                        
And won't be retried.                                       
Just what is the logic here, really?                        
                                                            
15852 CLINTON - WOMEN - K WILLEY     Frank Petersohn          



We knew she's learn sooner or later,                        
That deep down, the GOPers all hate her.                    
Then we all can unite                                       
On the left and the right,                                  
In contempt and disdain for a traitor.                      
(Linda Tripp)                                               
15853 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Dr Limerick              



She egged him on with her charms,                           
And wriggled right into his arms.                           
She promised him bliss                                      
With her first little kiss                                  
Then Linda Tripped the alarms.                              
                                                            
15854 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Jim Weaver Collection    



To Starr, with his jihad embargoed,                         
Said Linda, "To have him Sukarno'd                          
Here's a tape cut in Hell,                                  
What a book deal I'll sell,                                 
With more chutzpah than Benedict Arnold."                   
                                                            
15855 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP                               



Says Ken, "Ms Tripp, I admire your stealth,"                
(Between jobs for great cigarette wealth)                   
"Satan's not the right icon,                                
In what state was the mike on?                              
To be certain, I'll tape it myself."                        
                                                            
15856 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP                               



It seems there's this lady named Tripp,                     
Who has a face that could sink a ship.                      
She got Monica's ear,                                       
And voiced her worst fear,                                  
That for HER, Bill would never unzip!                       
                                                            
15857 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young woman called Tripp                        
Who just couldn't button her lip.                           
She vented her fury                                         
In front of the jury,                                       
And Monica's secrets let slip.                              
                                                            
15858 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP                               



His wife and his daughter are sad                           
And I must admit it looked bad,                             
But dear Linda Tripp                                        
That mean nasty snip,                                       
Had no business taping!  Egad!                              
                                                            
15859 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Maggie                   



A sneaky informant named Tripp                              
Provided her fans with this tip:                            
"Hot scandals may hover                                     
Behind a case cover,                                        
And other things men can unzip."                            
                                                            
15860 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Jim Weaver Collection    



Tripp will be prosecuted, no doubt,                         
For recording about Bill the Lout.                          
Though she knew the law,                                    
No problem she saw.                                         
Now her luck has just tapped out.                           
                                                            
15861 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Frank Petersohn          



When interviewed, young Miss Lewinsky                       
Knew nothing of Hawking or Minsky.                          
But this she knew surely,                                   
And stated securely:                                        
Ms. Tripp is a great big butt-insky.                        
                                                            
15862 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Jeff Iverson             



A conservative lady named Tripp,                            
Same ilk as the Majority Whip,                              
With recorder on play                                       
Is now on display...                                        
As with icebergs, could just [lust?] be the tip!            
                                                            
15863 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Bob Birch           P9803



It's the saga of Kenny the Starr,                           
Who, in some people's eyes, went too far.                   
He created a flap                                           
Using Tripp for a trap,                                     
And a tape for a tap from afar.                             
                                                            
15864 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Larry Hollister          



Miss Lewinsky complained, her brow wrinkling,               
That her words were on tape? Not an inkling.                
At her tale you might scoff                                 
But it soon would take off                                  
From a Tripp to a Starr, in a twinkling.                    
                                                            
15865 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Larry Hollister          



There once was a Prez named Bill;                           
With his joint, a girl's mouth did fill.                    
He thought he was hip,                                      
Until Linda Tripp                                           
Got him in trouble with Capitol Hill.                       
                                                            
15866 CLINTON - WOMEN - L TRIPP      Puff Adder               



Old Willy's getting yen from Chinese,                       
But says he's not influenced by these.                      
If you're currying favor,                                   
He's a yen that won't waiver;                               
A Geisha playing skin flute on her knees.                   
                                                            
15867 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Hungarian                



It seems there's a man in Brazil,                           
Who's invented a cocksucking pill.                          
If you simply add water,                                    
It does what wives oughter;                                 
He should send some to President Bill.                      
                                                            
15868 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         MrMalo                   



There once was a hermit named Bill                          
Who kept a dead whore on the hill.                          
"All the others who've kneeled                              
In the end have all squealed,                               
But I don't think a dead one will."                         
                                                            
15869 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         MrMalo                   



The business of the President is                            
To shoot some more of his jizz                              
Down throats patriotic,                                     
(Now ain't that erotic,)                                    
Before taking off in a tizz.                                
                                                            
15870 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Arden                    



"Capistrano has nothing we lack."                           
We heard that from Willy the hack.                          
"I'm looking for action;                                    
There's no satisfaction                                     
Till Excelsior swallows come back!"                         
                                                            
15871 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jim Weaver Collection    



Just who is the king of the hill?                           
Sure we all know that it's Bill.                            
When Bill takes a rest,                                     
If some gal has a quest,                                    
To oblige, her mouth he does fill.                          
                                                            
15872 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL                                  



The president went to Nantucket,                            
Raising cash for his wife by the bucket.                    
He said with a grin,                                        
"When I couldn't get in,                                    
I'd find me an intern to suck it."                          
                                                            
15873 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL                                  



All of this fuss now is silly;                              
Next year he'll be happy with Hilly;                        
Back doing his best                                         
For the great power of the west,                            
And finding women to suck on his willy!                     
                                                            
15874 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Conner MacLeod           



I'm under a terrible hex,                                   
I can't get enough oral sex.                                
But this president's no fool,                               
He can change all the rules.                                
So the laws of adultry, I flex.                             
                                                            
15875 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         D E Clegg                



For his haircut Bill hired a stripper;                      
He wanted his look to be hipper.                            
All the planes had to wait;                                 
They were held at the gate;                                 
Her hair got stuck deep in his zipper.                      
                                                            
15876 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jim Weaver Collection    



I once met this girl from down under                        
The President's desk. You might wonder                      
Would scandal have blown up                                 
If Clinton would own up?                                    
Ken Starr would have nothing to plunder!                    
                                                            
15877 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Shakespeare Young Brother



Bill Clinton sits there on his throne,                      
While poor Hillary sleeps all alone.                        
His name ain't Horatio,                                     
But he just loves fellatio;                                 
He loves to hear young interns moan.                        
                                                            
15878 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Popsicle           TP9806



He said, "Wear a highly starched dress,                     
For I can't help but make a big mess,                       
And we'll do it so often,                                   
The fabric might soften."                                   
Impeccable logic, I guess.                                  
                                                            
15879 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Bob Mornington           



Clinton says "I love Hollywood!                             
I've helped every star that I could!                        
So let's have a big hand                                    
For Chief Justice Streisand,                                
Who, by the way, gives head real good!"                     
                                                            
15880 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jim Weaver Collection    



When asked if they'd wet Willie's pen,                      
Most ladies replied, "Not again!"                           
But some said they'd miss it,                               
And might even kiss it,                                     
Provided he'd let THEM say when.                            
                                                            
15881 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jeff Iverson             



It was all a big mixup, you know;                           
And I think we should all let it go.                        
Bill mixed up his facts;                                    
He thought she said Sax;                                    
"Wrap your lips round the end, love, and blow!"             
                                                            
15882 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL                                  



They say Bill is overly fond                                
Of girls who will lick his wand.                            
Now the scandals defame him,                                
But I can't say I blame him,                                
Though for blow jobs I much prefer blonde                   
                                                            
15883 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jim Weaver Collection    



The forefathers of this great nation                        
Must turn in their graves in frustration,                   
When the evening news                                       
Is the President's spooge,                                  
And details of his oral fixation!                           
                                                            
15884 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL                                  



For the job he said, "I'll test you ma'am."                 
To Bill's office she went like a lamb.                      
At first she was beaming,                                   
But then she was screaming,                                 
When she learned of his oral exam.                          
                                                            
15885 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a President thought to give pecks                      
To areas other than necks,                                  
"Although it's most sultry,                                 
It isn't adultry;                                           
I'm not even sure that it's sex!"                           
                                                            
15886 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jared Henry              



There once was a grey wolf named Clinton,                   
Quite good at unzipping and hintin'.                        
Told a young girl to kiss it --                             
She tried to dismiss it --                                  
Seems she'd never seen such a bent one!                     
                                                            
15887 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Marsha Magee             



Slick Willie Winkie runs through the town                   
Pushing skirts up and girls down.                           
Likes them sweet and young;                                 
Licks them with his tongue,                                 
While Hillary wears a big frown.                            
                                                            
15888 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Marlene                  



I'm not sure why they'd need your protection                
From wee Willie Clinton's erection.                         
Elaborate, please.                                          
Are your girls on their knees,                              
Snapping thongs in wee Willie's direction?                  
                                                            
15889 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL                                  



It is not in my nature to lie,                              
And Bob Bennet explained to me why:                         
When she acts while I stand,                                
With her lips or her hand,                                  
Legal meanings of sex don't apply.                          
                                                            
15890 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         William N Nesbit    P9805



Says Clinton, "You may be misled                            
By some of the things you have read.                        
It was kindly affection                                     
That brought an erection.                                   
Poor girl!  It went straight to her head!"                  
                                                            
15891 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Jim Schaefer       TP9807



Slick Billy said, "I will prevail.                          
The relationship did not entail                             
Genital friction.                                           
The charges are fiction.                                    
She sucked it but didn't inhale."                           
                                                            
15892 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Irish                    



I must say if I were the Prez,                              
And married to some bi or lez,                              
I'd line them all up;                                       
My spunk they would sup;                                    
No matter what Mr Starr says.                               
                                                            
15893 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         H Whelchel               



So this is the qualification                                
To be leader of this great nation?                          
Just take your pick                                         
Of who'll suck your dick,                                   
And quietly keep your relation.                             
                                                            
15894 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Arden                    



Politicians, it seems, always knock                         
The Pres when he gets a sucked cock.                        
But they would not look askance                             
If offered the chance;                                      
They'd form a line around the damn block!                   
                                                            
15895 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         John Chastaine           



Hillary dickery dock,                                       
Bill can't control his cocK.                                
The clock struck eight,                                     
It's time to fellate.                                       
Hillary dickery dock.                                       
                                                            
15896 CLINTON - WOMEN - ORAL         Steven Martin Cohen      



There's Travelgate up on the Hill;                          
Paula Jones case remains with us still.                     
Now the press gets aboard,                                  
Something he can't afford;                                  
A really bad hair week for Bill.                            
                                                            
15897 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill's lawyers, today, feeling doughty,                     
Said "Paula should not be so haughty!                       
She can't claim protection                                  
Against his affection --                                    
Before that, her life-style was naughty!"                   
                                                            
15898 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Everett Parke            



I don't mean to burst your bubble;                          
They're all crooked but that's not the trouble.             
It ain't that it's bent;                                    
That's not what she meant;                                  
It's the fact that the fucker's bent double!                
                                                            
15899 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



She declined Clinton's presidential erection,               
Because under closer inspection,                            
And absolute fright,                                        
Bent left 'stead of right!                                  
This is the real cause for rejection.                       
                                                            
15900 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"Miss Jones," Clinton said, with affection,                 
"Oh please, won't you lick my erection?"                    
But Paula, so silly,      (But Donna, the tart,)            
Misunderstood Willy,      (Misunderstood Hard)              
And thought he said: "Wreck my election."                   
(Said Gary, "My dear," with affection,                      
15901 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Martin Wellborn     P9408



This weird bimbo who turned on the heat,                    
Has chutzpah a guy cannot beat;                             
I am saving my breath,                                      
She should be thrilled to death                             
That I asked her to come to my suite!                       
                                                            
15902 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Ann Gasser          P9408



The Prez and Paula were to meet;                            
Pres neglected to watch his big feet.                       
He tripped and he fell,                                     
The knee it took hell,                                      
And Paula, she suffered de feat!                            
                                                            
15903 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      WLP                      



The thing Paula's critics don't see                         
Is that she was a state employee.                           
If the boss wants to play,                                  
Must she yield and obey?                                    
Should a lecher be let off scot-free?                       
                                                            
15904 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton said, "Lookie here, guys,                      
That Paula is telling you lies.                             
Return her brassiere                                        
And then come back here.                                    
Don't forget to bring back some French fries."              
                                                            
15905 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Al Willis           T9707



Bill chose Paula Jones from the flock                       
And sent word that he wanted to talk.                       
Paula wrongly assumed                                       
She'd be safe in the room.                                  
Can a chicken be safe from a hawk?                          
                                                            
15906 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton has lust in his heart,                         
And Paula is only a part                                    
Of the ones he undressed                                    
And never confessed.                                        
For records, he has a fine chart!                           
                                                            
15907 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Al Willis           T9801



So, a bent-pecker expert are you,                           
Having handled a number or two;                             
Paula's got nerve                                           
To claim that this curve                                    
Should cause a diplomatic SNAFU.                            
                                                            
15908 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



At times, the Yank leader named Clinton,                    
Would pretend that his dickie had lint on.                  
Pulling out his whang bent, he                              
Feigned dusting it gently.                                  
But Paula knew what he was hintin'.                         
                                                            
15909 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



The evidence really is ample,                               
But on Paula the feminists trample.                         
Even Betty Friedan                                          
Says that Bill's just a man;                                
It's hypocracy's greatest example.                          
                                                            
15910 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Is Paula Jones speaking the truth?                          
Should we hire more than one sleuth?                        
Was Clinton just smitten                                    
By this sexy kitten?                                        
And will we find out in our youth?                          
                                                            
15911 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Dennis B.           T9707



Bill asked Paula to come to his suite,                      
And hopefully showed her his meat.                          
"Don't cause me no fuss,                                    
Just give it a buss.                                        
You look like a girl that's discreet."                      
(she is ugly in face, voice and manner - McW)               
15912 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES                               



We know how the old story goes,                             
The import of appearance grows.                             
In the spotlight's glare,                                   
No more need to stare;                                      
Paula Jones will get a new nose.                            
                                                            
15913 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Frank Fazed              



Clinton spied Paula Jones; he was stirred.                  
A state trooper was sent with the word:                     
"You should be elated,                                      
A new job's been created,                                   
And chicks with big hair are preferred."                    
                                                            
15914 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"Your Honor," said Ms. Paula Jones,                         
"On the pretense of answering his phones,                   
He asked me to watch                                        
While he unzipped his crotch,                               
And he then tried to jump on my bones."                     
                                                            
15915 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Martin Wellborn     P9709



A high-ranking southern corn pone                           
Must be feeling a chill in his bones.                       
He faces deposin'                                           
And may end up frozen,                                      
From exposure, cold shoulder and Jones.                     
                                                            
15916 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Is Paula Jones speaking the truth?                          
Bill's memory's dulled by vermouth.                         
We'll remind the old Guv                                    
That was Lust, never Love.                                  
Willie never get over his youth?                            
                                                            
15917 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Poet Lariat         T9707



Paula worried that she would be fired.                      
"Just forget it," at first she desired.                     
If he had admitted,                                         
Still no crime's committed;                                 
A minimum size is required.                                 
                                                            
15918 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



After telling us, "Never, no never!"                        
Paula posed in the altogether.                              
From naked in Penthouse                                     
She can dress for the courthouse,                           
But she's shed credibility forever.                         
                                                            
15919 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Dr Limerick              



Paula was poor from buying sunblock,                        
So she called Michael Jackson's doc.                        
Her old snot chute                                          
Resembled a flute,                                          
But she still is a laughingstock.                           
                                                            
15920 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      S C Saint                



How he cried when he lost the election;                     
Cried and cried until he had no erection.                   
So he took Paula Jones                                      
Shook her all to the bones,                                 
And since then, she enjoyed his protection.                 
                                                            
15921 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Sarita Montial      T9801



Before Clinton had even met her,                            
He sent out a trooper to get her.                           
Paula's visit was brief,                                    
But brought grief, not relief.                              
Though he tries, we know Bill won't forget her.             
                                                            
15922 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



The Paula Jones case was dismissed,                         
But she's only just one on the list                         
Of those claiming Bill's rod,                               
Is exceedingly odd.                                         
But in her case, it didn't get kissed.                      
                                                            
15923 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



That Paula, he thought, was some filly;                     
When pants dropped, she thought him quite silly.            
But then later she'd file                                   
And he sure lost his smile.                                 
He should never have whipped out old Willy.                 
                                                            
15924 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



From Bill's speech we are glad to report,                   
Comes a line with which we will have sport.                 
"Nothing big comes from small";                             
We don't doubt it at all.                                   
That what Paula will prove in the court.                    
                                                            
15925 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



The press has described a love bower;                       
But I stayed all alone, just an hour.                       
I hope Paula recants;                                       
(Well, I did drop my pants;                                 
I was just on my way to the shower.)                        
                                                            
15926 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Al Willis           T9710



The next weeks could become a nightmare                     
As Bill Clinton is forced to prepare                        
For the Paula Jones case,                                   
And then comes face to face                                 
With the gal he showed his underwear.                       
                                                            
15927 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"At sympathy, I am well-trained,                            
So when Paula uncouthly complained                          
Of a pain in her ass,                                       
I never harass.                                             
I just offered to feel where she pained."                   
                                                            
15928 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      David Finley        P9610



Paula says she'll describe what she saw,                    
As the governor stood in the raw.                           
His crude invitation                                        
Did not need translation.                                   
What he needed was a right to the jaw!                      
                                                            
15929 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"I gave Paula Jones a direction                             
To help me bring off my election.                           
But my Arkansaweese                                         
Sounding somewhat Chinese,                                  
Brought a blush to the poor girl's complexion."             
                                                            
15930 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Arthur Deex         P9608



"You must know I've an enemies' list.                       
So you all better cease and desist.                         
Paula Jones? This could cost her;                           
Don't forget old Vince Foster.                              
You have seen what transpires when I'm pissed."             
                                                            
15931 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      William N. Nesbit   P9610



"To Ms. Jones, I said, 'I'm not a pro,                      
But they call me a virtuoso                                 
With my sax instrument.                                     
Yes, I'm quite competent.                                   
Take it out and let's give it a blow.'"                     
                                                            
15932 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      William N. Nesbit   P9610



"In my garden, where weeds tend to grow,                    
I made Paula an offer, to hoe.                              
I recruited her for                                         
A hoe job, nothing more;                                    
Entry level; fringe benefits, though."                      
                                                            
15933 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Tom Patton          P9610



"I swear to God, on my mother's bones                       
That I didn't touch Ms. Paula Jones.                        
I reject and dismiss                                        
The idea I'd kiss.                                          
I save my lips for the saxophones."                         
                                                            
15934 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Tom Patton          P9610



Said Paula to Governor Clinton,                             
"That screwing for which you've been hintin'?               
Well you won't get it yet,                                  
But you sure can bet                                        
That you will when you start presidentin'."                 
                                                            
15935 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Arthur Deex         P9406



"Paula Jones, lying nude, made me pale.                     
I refused her brash offer of tail.                          
He legs spread a bit                                        
And I licked on her clit.                                   
But I swear that I didn't inhale!"                          
                                                            
15936 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Al Chaplin          P9610



"I've got real astro turf in my pad.                        
So I truly thought she might be glad,                       
When I said, quite discreetly,                              
'Come up, you can meet me.'                                 
I don't know why Ms. Jones is so mad."                      
                                                            
15937 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      `illiam N. Nesbit   P9610



In spite of all her moans and groans                        
I deny ever meeting Paula Jones.                            
I do solemnly swear                                         
That I was never there.                                     
Someone must have made one of those clones.                 
                                                            
15938 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES                          P9610



"Here's what happened. I swear that it's true.              
What I asked the state trooper to do                        
Was, 'Go tell her, said I,                                  
This old room's really high.                                
Come on up and enjoy a great VIEW."                         
                                                            
15939 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      William N. Nesbit   P9610



She says Clinton's pecker is bent,                          
Though she doesn't know which way it went.                  
Did it grow, on a whim,                                     
To be crooked like him?                                     
(Or am I misjudging the gent?)                              
                                                            
15940 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Paula Jones plans to see the case through.                  
Willy did it, I'll prove it to you.                         
I've seen his private part                                  
On which he displays art:                                   
Tiny hanmmer and sickle tattoo.                             
                                                            
15941 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"Your Honor, please don't think me funky--                  
That one puff hasn't made me a junky.                       
It's all a mistake.                                         
I just asked her to take                                    
Some candy and play with my monkey."                        
                                                            
15942 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Arthur Deex         P9609



Paula Jones will again have to wait                         
If Bill side-steps another court date.                      
In the end, we will find,                                   
Justice is indeed blind                                     
To the plight of unwilling playmates.                       
                                                            
15943 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



It's said Paula Jones thinks she's scored,                  
'Cause a leftward veer can't be ignored.                    
But a list to the port                                      
Couldn't stand up in court,                                 
With port as common as starboard.                           
                                                            
15944 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Prof M-G                 



When Bill's henchmen said, "Paula, Hey you!"                
Follow us, Not much for you to do."                         
Little did she know                                         
Something was 'bout to grow,                                
When she entered that "room with a view!"                   
                                                            
15945 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Rued Bill Clinton: "That Miss Such-and-such                 
Would have meant no sworn lies to retouch,                  
If I'd settled my part                                      
With Miss Jones at the start,                               
And it wouldn't have cost half as much.                     
                                                            
15946 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Prof M-G                 



When Bill Clinton was feeling the spirit,                   
He craves feminine company to cheer it.                     
He chose Paula one day                                      
But she said, "No way!"                                     
Left the room and refused to go near it.                    
                                                            
15947 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Jones had a seductive flavor                           
That Clinton just wanted to savor.                          
She he sent down his goon                                   
To bring her to his room,                                   
But she screamed and denied him the favor.                  
                                                            
15948 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a White House intern,                        
Who Clinton's attentions did earn.                          
While fucking her silly,                                    
It seems that Slick Willie                                  
Forgot about Paula's return.                                
                                                            
15949 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Michael W Johnson        



The Clintons have spent all their dough,                    
Because of that slut, Paula Jo.                             
She might have been worth                                   
What she asked for, at first,                               
If she only was willing to blow!                            
                                                            
15950 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's lawyers now work to dispel                        
Paula's claims that emit a foul smell.                      
Bill has given the job                                      
To his pal, "Uncle Bob",                                    
To avoid a courtroom "Show and Tell".                       
                                                            
15951 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"She entirely misread what I meant.                         
My intentions were most innocent.                           
I said, 'You strike me as                                   
A keen lover of jazz--                                      
Let me show you my sax instrument.'"                        
                                                            
15952 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      William N. Nesbit   P9610



A governor requiring some head                              
Told a lady before she had fled,                            
"Oh, Please, don't dismiss it!                              
At least, would you kiss it!"                               
But she sued the poor bastard instead!                      
                                                            
15953 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Don Hart                 



There once was a beautiful slut,                            
Who enjoyed playing games on her butt,                      
But then she got old,                                       
And seldom got rolled.                                      
Said her lawyer, I'll sue for a cut.                        
                                                            
15954 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Joseph McEwen       P9407



It has been reported I erred.                               
It was not Ms. Flowers who stared.                          
Ms. Jones was the checker                                   
Of Billy's wee pecker                                       
When at her, his member he bared.                           
                                                            
15955 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES                               



The Jones case points up Clinton's flaws,                   
And has grown in importance because                         
The voters want facts.                                      
Did he solicit sex acts?                                    
Bottom line: Does he smirk at our laws?                     
                                                            
15956 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton thought he could compel                        
Sexual favors from state personnel.                         
He sought to cavort                                         
By dropping his shorts,                                     
Not expecting Miss Jones to rebel.                          
                                                            
15957 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Governor Willy's face got quite red,                        
When he said, "Paula, give me some head."                   
He pulled down his pants,                                   
And expected romance,                                       
But Miss Jones sued his dumb ass, instead.                  
                                                            
15958 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jack Qualman             



When Paula observed his Big Pickle                          
His politics looked more than just fickle.                  
His tool was quite weird,                                   
With a little gray beard,                                   
And tattoos of a Hammer and Sickle.                         
                                                            
15959 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES                               



"Ms. Jones says that I made a pass,                         
And being unsuccessful did harass.                          
It's an insult and disgrace                                 
To say this to my face:                                     
After all, my technique is world class."                    
                                                            
15960 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Tom Patton          P9610



So Paula Jones case bit the dust,                           
In spite of the Preesident's lust.                          
Though we know what he did,                                 
He's our best "Comeback Kid" --                             
Until the boom times turn to bust.                          
                                                            
15961 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      CB                 TP9804



When Clinton and Paula did meet,                            
He asked her to kneel at his feet.                          
She said, "You're the Gov.                                  
And I know you need love,                                   
But your meat is too crooked to eat!"                       
                                                            
15962 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Ray Hemphill       TP9804



Paula knows what she saw on that night;                     
To be proving her claim, what a sight.                      
So the line up is set;                                      
She'll spot which one she met.                              
Number three, turn your head to the right.                  
                                                            
15963 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton told her, "I'm glad that I met ya'."                
At the Marriot she said, "I'll let ya'."                    
She was stunning and dark,                                  
So Bill asked as a lark:                                    
"Ubangi?" and she said "You betcha!"                        
                                                            
15964 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Doug from Upland    T9707



His pecker is like any other;                               
Most all are bent one way or t'other.                       
The real question isn't                                     
If it's bent or 'tisn't;                                    
It's whether it was kept under cover!                       
                                                            
15965 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Jones saw the man's tool;                              
It's more that she learned in school.                       
He'd not get a blow job;                                    
She wanted a nose job.                                      
End of the tale. April Fool!                                
                                                            
15966 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Sam Pittman        TP9804



Now Hillary's known as a leader,                            
And Bill is a pure bottom feeder.                           
His touch, it ain't bad,                                    
And his mood ain't too sad,                                 
But poor Paula just wants Bill to need her!                 
                                                            
15967 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Kevin Drizen        T9711



The judge took her foot off the throttle;                   
Slick Bill's evil ways he will coddle.                      
So the case is on hold.                                     
They hope Paula will fold                                   
And the weenie is back in the bottle.                       
                                                            
15968 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Paula said, "There's really no use                          
In claiming that this is a ruse.                            
I'm not merely hintin',                                     
I'm swearing that Clinton                                   
Wears pants with a zipper that's loose."                    
                                                            
15969 CLINTON - WOMEN - P JONES      Everett Parke            



Al Gore says our planet is stewin';                         
Our ecology's going to ruin.                                
But the source of this heat                                 
Is Bill Clinton's meat,                                     
And all of the screwin' he's doin'.                         
                                                            
15970 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Says an announcement on Clinton's behalf --                 
"His popularity's gone right off the graph.                 
There's no sign of it dimmin',                              
Especially from women                                       
Who would like to be put on his staff."                     
                                                            
15971 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     FCA                      



Now Bill, don't look so glum;                               
We all know that you got you some.                          
Just stick to the tale;                                     
Say you didn't inhale;                                      
Say you screwed her but you didn't come!                    
                                                            
15972 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     G Kelly                  



King Henry had already shown                                
What Clinton now wished he had known.                       
A guillotine is better                                      
For a stain on a sweater,                                   
When the truth must never be known.                         
                                                            
15973 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Anon                     



There once was a slicker from Hope,                         
Who did not inhale his dope.                                
He stuck in his schlong,                                    
Were it did not belong,                                     
And now's at the end of his rope.                           
                                                            
15974 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Doug Obrecht             



The President, bursting with pride,                         
Made public his energy guide;                               
Do not fuck in great haste --                               
There is far too much waste.                                
Fuck slow as you lay on your side.                          
                                                            
15975 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-2240



It was big, but not quite a tsunami;                        
At Bill's victory speech, it was balmy.                     
Bimbos thought it was swell                                 
At the Excelsior Hotel,                                     
In his suite he played hide the salami.                     
                                                            
15976 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Clinton has promised that life,                        
When he's prez, will be stripped of most strife,            
But doesn't it follow                                       
His pledges are hollow,                                     
If he's willing to cheat on his wife?                       
                                                            
15977 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     John Sandler        P9204



Said Bill to the stewardess, "Quiet.                        
The john is where I'd like to try it.                       
With plane at full throttle,                                
Just twiddle my twaddle;                                    
If Hillary wakes, I'll deny it!"                            
                                                            
15978 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Marsha Magee             



Viagra, the little blue pill,                               
A favorite of President Bill;                               
He randomly screws                                          
Anything that moves,                                        
Gennifer, Monica or Hill'"                                  
                                                            
15979 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING                              



Since Clinton's sex drive's in a parch,                     
He has soaked his limp dick in some starch.                 
This weekend there's fun,                                   
Who will be number one,                                     
Among those in "The Million Mom March?"                     
                                                            
15980 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING                              



The President swore to the sky                              
He'd never asked someone to lie,                            
But the chance was then missed                              
To request that he list                                     
Positions he'd told them to try.                            
                                                            
15981 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Scandalous Limerix       



Asked the poll, "Would you answer yes when                  
Asked for sex in the President's den?"                      
Here's how the poll went:                                   
87%                                                         
Told the pollsters, "No, never again!"                      
                                                            
15982 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     John Miller              



There once was an Arkansas candidate;                       
As President, he wanted to circulate.                       
He gave it to Flowers,                                      
And other meowers,                                          
To prove that he was not celibate.                          
                                                            
15983 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Slick Willie, out seeking a score,                          
Met a ragged, diseased D.C. whore.                          
She gave him a lay                                          
Without any pay;                                            
Now she autographs books at the store.                      
                                                            
15984 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Cole                     



There once was a man named Slick Willy                      
Who tried to make love to each filly.                       
He took every chance                                        
To drop down his pants                                      
And show off his left-hooking dilly.                        
                                                            
15985 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Popsicle           TP9807



Bill Clinton has now started dating,                        
And Hillary sure finds it frustrating.                      
But to us, it's no matter,                                  
'Cause we love a tomcatter;                                 
That boy has a penchant for mating.                         
                                                            
15986 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Al Willis           P9610



Clinton's legacy is now in doubt;                           
Not knowing what his office is about.                       
By example you lead,                                        
Was never his creed.                                        
With a poor start, he just petered out.                     
                                                            
15987 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Tom Simon                



For the Chief, it's a red letter day;                       
I think the red letter is "A".                              
But don't poke a rod                                        
In the CO's wife's bod,                                     
Slick Willy was just there today!                           
                                                            
15988 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Marsha Magee       TP9807



One can tell the wheat from the chaff,                      
If church-going Bill makes you laugh.                       
Like the 23rd song,                                         
Which Bill got all wrong:                                   
He comforts his rod in his staff.                           
                                                            
15989 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Annie Jay                



Getting caught really makes Bill irate.                     
His number one rule on a date:                              
If limo be rockin',                                         
You'd better be knockin'.                                   
How fitting for our head of state.                          
                                                            
15990 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Titehouse,                     
Who lived all alone in a lighthouse.                        
She had an obsession                                        
To see Congress in session,                                 
But was fucked on her way through the White House.          
                                                            
15991 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-2337



The Prez felt his bent pecker surgin';                      
He'd screw a knothole or a sturgeon.                        
He snuck in, while hard,                                    
A nearby lumber yard,                                       
'Cause he heard that the lumber was virgin.                 
                                                            
15992 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Frank Fazed              



There is this White House folk lore,                        
'Bout dear old Clinton and Al Gore.                         
Gore's duties were light,                                   
And he'd just check every night:                            
"Now pal Billy, just what is the score?"                    
                                                            
15993 CLINTON - WOMEN - SCREWING     Gunjan Saraf             



Bill said, "I swear I'm mystified;                          
Anyone would think I lied.                                  
Besides, if I did it,                                       
I'd never admit it.                                         
Oh shit!  All the witnesses died!"                          
                                                            
15994 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Marsha Magee             



Of all this talk I am sick;                                 
So much coverage on just one dick.                          
Before you know                                             
He'll have another go;                                      
That's why they call him slick!                             
                                                            
15995 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jen                      



All the moms whose kids like soccer,                        
Have had to face up to a shocker:                           
Gals who enter Bill's lair                                  
Will find no easy chair,                                    
Just a broken down old bentwood rocker.                     
                                                            
15996 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh give us some leaders at home,                            
Who won't from the hearth-fires go roam,                    
Seeking titilation                                          
Far beyond their station,                                   
Just hoping to hear a hormone.                              
                                                            
15997 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Daniel Ford              



I'd have more respect for the heel                          
If he said "Yeah, I had her. Big deal.                      
That's between me and my wife,                              
It's not my public life --                                  
Let's discuss issues that are real."                        
                                                            
15998 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Kaylin Brandon           



In Chicago Slick Willie will want                           
To go on the prowl for some cunt.                           
It really won't matter                                      
If she's thinner or fatter,                                 
But he would like her big in the front.                     
                                                            
15999 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Cole                     



News Flash! From the President's id.                        
I just didn't do what I did.                                
I swear on my life,                                         
'Twas old Billy Blythe!                                     
He does stuff and then remains hid.                         
                                                            
16000 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Marsha Magee             



Would Clinton submit to castration?                         
Would anything less cause cessation?                        
As long as he sees                                          
A girl on her knees;                                        
We'll just have to wait for cremation.                      
                                                            
16001 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Ray Hemphill       TP9804



A politician from old Little Rock,                          
Had screwed every cunt in the block.                        
The troopers did lie                                        
For Arkansas's horny guy,                                   
But he caught clap and they cut off his cock.               
                                                            
16002 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Bill ain't no dumb Gus;                                 
He'll try to bamboozle us,                                  
Like pot he'd not inhale,                                   
He'll tell us all a tale                                    
All about coitus interruptus.                               
                                                            
16003 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Joe McGee                



Clinton's ship sails along in retreat;                      
Captain Billy, you've been indiscrete.                      
Hands off those udders;                                     
Tend to the rudders,                                        
And try to control the first meat!                          
                                                            
16004 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       John Griffin             



When it comes to Bill's sexual flings,                      
Will the troopers keep quiet or sing?                       
Come clean with the facts,                                  
Or cover Bill's tracks?                                     
Do they fear what their stories may bring?                  
                                                            
16005 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Into the closet Bill slips,                                 
And with passion, his member she grips.                     
With climax anew,                                           
He says "Ooo ooo ooo ooooooo."                              
Pretty much like a cow with no lips.                        
                                                            
16006 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Friar                    



Bill's scandal is quickly expanding,                        
So with journalists grandly demanding,                      
"Did you tell her to lie?"                                  
His simple reply                                            
Is "No." -- Meaning they did it standing.                   
                                                            
16007 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jerry Nordal        P9805



Come on all you people, admit it.                           
I know that you know that he did it.                        
You're as sly as they come,                                 
But you know that he's scum,                                
And I'm not going to let you forget it.                     
                                                            
16008 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Mike Hunter              



A man of well known affection,                              
Decided to stand for election.                              
A blonde got his vote;                                      
She bent and they note,                                     
Poor Bill had attained an erection.                         
                                                            
16009 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Bellal                   



With experience so grandiose,                               
And such shining examples up close                          
And a leader so coy,                                        
You can bet every boy                                       
Will be great -- if they don't overdose.                    
                                                            
16010 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL                                



That Sally was sure lots of fun.                            
To think that she was once a nun.                           
She once was a saint,                                       
But, trust me, she ain't,                                   
And now she's on Air Force One!                             
                                                            
16011 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Al Willis          TP9802



My God! Can you stand the foul swill                        
'Round the White House and Capitol Hill?                    
With this smoke, are there fires?                           
Are those ladies ALL liars?                                 
Just ask what I think fits the Bill.                        
                                                            
16012 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Annie Jay                



A single instance I can ignore,                             
Or once being caught with a whore.                          
But it appears our Pres Billy                               
Can't control his old willie,                               
And has been fondling at least three or four.               
                                                            
16013 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Lars                     



Now we have Clinton the greenie,                            
With nothing upstairs in his beanie.                        
A character midget                                          
Who's still chasing Gidget,                                 
And fooling around with his weenie.                         
                                                            
16014 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Stuck under Bill Clinton's armpit                           
Was a G-string of fine silken knit.                         
"What's that?" questioned Hill,                             
To which replied Bill,                                      
"It's a patch, 'cause I trying to quit!"                    
                                                            
16015 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Friar              TP9804



Not once did I ask you to lie.                              
I'll admit that I opened my fly.                            
John Thomas was bent,                                       
`nd now we are spent.                                       
Go get us some burgers; I'll buy.                           
                                                            
16016 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Al Willis           P9805



The President, as we know well,                             
Was savaged for trysting a belle.                           
No one really knew,                                         
But if it were true,                                        
He'd been through both heaven and hell.                     
                                                            
16017 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Scandalous Limerix       



The story's beginning to break;                             
They've given this thing the wrong take.                    
It's that old line again,                                   
"Let me feel your pain",                                    
She just happened to have a toothache.                      
                                                            
16018 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       MrMalo                   



There once was a young man from Hope,                       
When asked if he poked her, said "Nope!"                    
If the GOP hang him,                                        
I'll have to say Dang him!                                  
He's the one that gave them the rope.                       
                                                            
16019 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       MrMalo                   



They're making poor Buddy an "it."                          
Let's jog our thinking a bit.                               
The one they should neuter                                  
Is the one with the "hooter"                                
That's keeping him in all the shit.                         
                                                            
16020 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Marsha Magee             



He cried when he lost the election;                         
He just couldn't take the rejection.                        
He showed them his hose,                                    
But he wasn't chose                                         
As President of Big Erections!                              
                                                            
16021 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Mike M              T9801



Yes, Bill feels the world is ag'in him,                     
And the press is just waiting to skin him.                  
But the world wouldn't care                                 
About Bill's underwear,                                     
If only he'd just stay in 'em.                              
                                                            
16022 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       MrMalo                   



Incontinence though sad, invites scorn;                     
It's a horrible burden you've borne.                        
If you need BVD's,                                          
Take three dozen of these;                                  
Bill Clinton's -- they've hardly been worn.                 
                                                            
16023 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       MrMalo                   



Old Bill got his start in Arkansas,                         
Not knowing where to put his handses.                       
Now he just chills                                          
'Cause all his old thrills                                  
Are holding open their pantses.                             
                                                            
16024 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Rusty Smith              



Long ago Clinton brashly deduced                            
That his sex life sure needed a boost.                      
Now he's getting the bills                                  
For all the cheap thrills.                                  
Clinton's chickens have come home to roost!                 
                                                            
16025 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



The Prez says this whole rap is bum,                        
(We know perjury's dumber than dumb)                        
But he's really quite tense                                 
For his final defense                                       
Is to testify: "I didn't come!"                             
                                                            
16026 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       CB                  P9803



"I swear to defend and uphold                               
With all of my body and soul                                
This Land, under God...                                     
(Wow, that chicks got some bod!                             
With big tits -- sitting there behind Dole!)                
                                                            
16027 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Theo Heller         P9212



In the White House there's nothing to fear,                 
For in spite of the things you may hear,                    
Events aren't complex.                                      
Bill had telephone sex                                      
And developed an infected ear.                              
                                                            
16028 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Loren C Fitzhugh    P9803



As King Bill nightly paces his tower,                       
His conquest of the White House tastes sour.                
For he's never alone,                                       
Always watched by his crone,                                
And the ghosts of Miss Jones and Miss Flowers.              
                                                            
16029 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



The problems, not just Paula Jones,                         
And also those Sweetwater loans;                            
Republicans jabbing;                                        
And Hillary crabbing;                                       
And William's erogenous zones.                              
                                                            
16030 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Irving Superior     P9709



Bill was caught once in bed                                 
With a lady and hands in the red.                           
When asked where he stabbed her,                            
He said he just grabbed her                                 
And fingered her pussy instead.                             
                                                            
16031 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Bellal                   



I doubt Billy boy will be gloating                          
At surviving the seas he's been boating,                    
For he had the temerity                                     
To leave for posterity                                      
Come-stains on the Whitehouse wainscoting.                  
                                                            
16032 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL                                



When with troopers, our Bill chews the fat,                 
On the Bible, he often does chat:                           
"More precious than rubies                                  
Are young girls with big boobies,                           
Or at least it is something like that."                     
                                                            
16033 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Is this country the greatest, or what?                      
Our Presidents tell us a lot;                               
Some heroes, a charmer,                                     
A fine peanut farmer,                                       
And a slick connoisseur of young twat.                      
                                                            
16034 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       John Miller 0262         



Your daughter thinks Willy is hipper                        
And he can inspire like the Gipper.                         
But from what is now known                                  
Would you trust them alone?                                 
Of course, with a lock on his zipper.                       
                                                            
16035 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Some feel that our Prez has been slandered,                 
That to sleaze-thirst, the media's pandered.                
But I'm at a loss,                                          
Why a Mafia Boss                                            
Would be held to a far higher standard.                     
(John Giotti convicted statutory rape)                      
16036 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       John Miller              



Whenever Bill gets an erection                              
Does it bend in a constant direction?                       
Or maybe the dangle                                         
And probable angle                                          
Depends on magnetic deflection.                             
                                                            
16037 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Peter W                  



Marsha Scott, Bill thought, had a great body,               
And her morals, like his, were quite shoddy.                
Bill's an old star trek fan;                                
Captain Kirk was his man,                                   
Often shouting "Beam me aboard Scotty!"                     
                                                            
16038 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



My limericks are series of ravings,                         
On President's misbehavings,                                
Much more than just sex,                                    
Stability wrecks,                                           
All due to his lusty cravings.                              
                                                            
16039 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Chris Papa               



I'm wondering just what it would take                       
To convince you old Bill's on the make.                     
If we got a snapshot                                        
Of her hand on his cock,                                    
Would you say it was just a mistake?                        
                                                            
16040 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Mike Hunter              



Said the president, somewhat distraught,                    
When surprised at a young lady's twat,                      
"There were times, I'm afraid,                              
When mistakes have been made --                             
But a voyeur for certain I'm not.                           
                                                            
16041 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Albin Chaplin   3024-2963



Poor Billy boys hopes are dim;                              
His chances in future are slim.                             
Still president yet                                         
But these days I bet,                                       
Even I get more pussy than him.                             
                                                            
16042 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Whipped cream is a favorite of Willie.                      
He pleases each Paula and Millie.                           
Grape jelly if fine,                                        
And even red wine.                                          
And once, he tried out piccalilli.                          
                                                            
16043 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Al Willis                



Said an aide to Bill Clinton one day                        
"The abortion bill came through today.                      
Tell me what I should do?                                   
Would you like to read through?"                            
Said Bill, "Go ahead, and just pay!"                        
                                                            
16044 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       The Friar           P9803



Continuing talk of the pillow                               
And lathering intern willow                                 
Are to tail painful,                                        
Following baneful                                           
Presidential peccadillo.                                    
                                                            
16045 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Daniel Ford              



That which poisons is truly BANE,                           
As Willy's peccadillo train                                 
Taints us all with trash,                                   
When we joke and bash,                                      
Forgetting more lofty goal strain.                          
                                                            
16046 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Daniel Ford              



New alligations abound;                                     
There's evidence yet to be found.                           
I don't know how it ends,                                   
But I'll tell you this, friends,                            
That thing of his sure gets around.                         
                                                            
16047 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       MrMalo                   



I don't mean to be an old grouch,                           
But Bill doesn't have much in his pouch.                    
I picture his winky                                         
To be somewhat dinky;                                       
That it's true, many women can vouch!                       
                                                            
16048 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Annie Jay                



Some limericks link Clinton, the clown,                     
With the Son having greatest renown.                        
They're a whole different class,                            
(Though when it comes to ass --                             
They both rode one, right into town).                       
                                                            
16049 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       John Miller 0300         



Asked a survey of women, not men,                           
"Would you have sex with the Prez in his den?"              
Sixty-eight wouldn't say;                                   
Thirty-one said "I'm gay!"                                  
Six hundred said "Never again!"                             
                                                            
16050 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       H Myers                  



It's the whole damn country Bill's lousing,                 
And not just the girls he's unblousing.                     
Yet it could be worse,                                      
For he might write verse,                                   
Instead of seeking new housing.                             
                                                            
16051 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Rusty Smith              



If all of the White House Floors                            
Were cleaned by nothing but whores,                         
Then Bill and his tool                                      
Would wholeheartedly drool,                                 
And semen would splatter the doors.                         
                                                            
16052 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Joe Zanchi               



There once as a hermit named Bill                           
Who kept a dead whore on the hill.                          
There's no fear she'll talk,                                
And she doesn't balk;                                       
Sometimes he shares her with Hill.                          
                                                            
16053 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Skumbunny                



In an old Arkansas cabbage patch,                           
Horny Bill was hoping to catch                              
A cute southern doll                                        
Who'd say with a drawl,                                     
"C'mon, lemme show ya mah snatch!"                          
                                                            
16054 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Everett Parke            



The Clintons have spent all the dough                       
On whom, and on what, I don't know.                         
But I bet it is Bill                                        
Who's over the Hill,                                        
And is looking for somthing to "GO".                        
                                                            
16055 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Friar               T9801



I have never asked someone to lie.                          
I just couldn't. I'd much rather die;                       
But if women are willing                                    
To stand up to their 'Billing',                             
Who would argue about it?  Not I.                           
                                                            
16056 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Bill Taylor         P9808



"You question my ethics? That's aggrievin'.                 
To tell her to lie'd be deceivin'.                          
I just wouldn't lie;                                        
I'd much rather die.                                        
I stood up for what I believe in!"                          
                                                            
16057 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Tom Patton          P9805



With Executive Privilege invoked,                           
Truth is more easily cloaked.                               
Bill's aides need not show                                  
What they really do know;                                   
Which lass was stroked and which poked.                     
                                                            
16058 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Everett Parke            



Though married, Bill still likes to date;                   
It's apparently OK with his mate.                           
But his penchant to stray                                   
Led to full-blown decay.                                    
Now his backside is caught in Tail-gate!                    
                                                            
16059 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill advises, "Don't seek to encumber                       
My record with the exact number                             
Of my indescretions --                                      
They're small imperfections;                                
The public would much rather slumber!"                      
                                                            
16060 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Everett Parke            



There once was a Presidential Dud                           
Who enjoyed his pleasures of pud.                           
When asked by Ken Starr,                                    
"Who do you think you are?"                                 
Came Bill's reply, "I'm the First Stud!"                    
                                                            
16061 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Frank Petersohn          



Can't pity the President's plight;                          
It's sure self-inflicted, all right.                        
A sexual vandal,                                            
He'll always court scandal,                                 
To conservative critics' delight.                           
                                                            
16062 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Michael W Johnson        



A presidential young stud named Billy,                      
Required an occasional "filly".                             
It was scary-a-lot                                          
When to the Marriot,                                        
He would "secretly service" his willy.                      
                                                            
16063 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Months ago Bill appeared on TV                              
And waggled his finger at me.                               
Then with eyes fairly flashing,                             
Gave us all a tongue lashing,                               
For questioning his sexual sprees.                          
                                                            
16064 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



While married to Hillary, Billy                             
Had escapades that you'd call silly.                        
In bed he would thrash,                                     
With base trailer trash,                                    
Or some other sexy young filly!                             
                                                            
16065 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL                                



On Bill's collar, the hair wasn't brown;                    
She confronted him outside of town.                         
Please Hilly meet Gidget;                                   
I know she's a midget;                                      
At least I am trying to cut down."                          
                                                            
16066 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



"His sexual appetite's voracious,"                          
Says John Doe, unusually loquacious.                        
"But his libidinous activities                              
Are his personal proclivities --                            
It's the equivocation that makes me vexatious!".            
                                                            
16067 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       H Myers             T9801



The tour guide had shown where the spies                    
Had discovered the staff hitting highs.                     
"And this," he intoned                                      
"Is where many have moaned,                                 
And the place where the President lies."                    
                                                            
16068 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Scandalous Limerix       



I don't think that I'd like to share                        
A portion of Bill's underwear.                              
For while it is true,                                       
They're likely 'most new,                                   
You just don't know who has been there.                     
                                                            
16069 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       MrMalo                   



The aides gathered 'round with their skipper.               
Fighting problems, they tried to be chipper.                
As they held hands to pray,                                 
Came the theme for the day:                                 
"Go out and win one for the zipper."                        
                                                            
16070 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Al started singing Bill's praises:                      
"He's a man whom no rumor fazes."                           
Now that Kenny's been routed,                               
Will Al Gore be outed,                                      
Since we don't care with whom Bill liaises?                 
                                                            
16071 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       MrMalo                   



The President of the U S of A,                              
In the path of temptation did stray.                        
The historic White House                                    
Hasn't seen such a louse,                                   
Since the days of old JFK.                                  
                                                            
16072 CLINTON - WOMEN - SEXUAL       UB                  P9803



What's okay for President Bill,                             
Perhaps will give others a thrill.                          
Is it perjury?                                              
Or just some sex worry?                                     
The whole mess just gives me a chill.                       
                                                            
16073 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



People say that you've pulled a "Bill Clinton."             
You will know just what they are hintin';                   
A scandal you've made;                                      
You are now clice'd.                                        
They know why your eyes are a-glintin'.                     
                                                            
16074 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



"To Bill" takes a whole different meaning:                  
(It might not be money they're gleaning.)                   
"How many hours did you Bill?"                              
"Billing gives me a thrill!"                                
Toward Billing, H might be leaning.                         
                                                            
16075 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



Someone might get Billed in the tub.                        
You must be careful where you rub!                          
"Has this water chilled?                                    
My God, I've been Billed!                                   
I have to go home for a scrub."                             
                                                            
16076 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



I was Billed by "Carpet and Floor";                         
The carpenter Billed me once more.                          
I've Billed for three days;                                 
I must mend my ways,                                        
Since my bits are really quite sore.                        
                                                            
16077 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



You'll probably think me a dumb cluck;                      
If so, it is just my bad luck.                              
Don't take me to task,                                      
I really must ask...                                        
Were you ever Billed by a duck?                             
                                                            
16078 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Frank Fazed              



Not billed by a duck -- I've been goosed!                   
Found out where the nasty ones roost.                       
The geese have been billed.                                 
They were, therefore, thrilled,                             
To give a human being a good boost.                         
                                                            
16079 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



This Billing has spread 'cross the land;                    
You could be Billed at the cabstand.                        
I was Billed by mail.                                       
He was Billed in jail,                                      
And that guy was just Billed by hand.                       
                                                            
16080 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



Ms Steinam's a radical feminist.                            
You'd think that she'd really be pissed.                    
Bill asked for a blow;                                      
The woman said "No!"                                        
After all, he didn't insist.                                
                                                            
16081 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Puff Adder               



The feminists have a new rule.                              
You can unzip and show them your tool.                      
But if they resist,                                         
Just don't insist.                                          
And everything going to be cool.                            
                                                            
16082 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Puff Adder               



This new rule is going to be great.                         
At work just don't hesitate.                                
Just make your best pass,                                   
Even grab for her ass,                                      
But try twice and you'll face a sad fate.                   
                                                            
16083 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Puff Adder               



Well boys, this new rule is nice.                           
But I'll give you a little advice.                          
You can grab at her tit,                                    
But if she has a fit,                                       
Just step back and be cool as ice.                          
                                                            
16084 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Puff Adder               



A word to the wise should suffice.                          
For abusing the rule, there's a price.                      
Be right up front,                                          
Make a move for her cunt,                                   
But just one now, do not do it twice.                       
                                                            
16085 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Puff Adder               



That trailer-trash called Paula Jones                       
(With a history of jumping men's bones)                     
Has hit some pay-dirt.                                      
Pray God she'll revert                                      
To a trash-heap of losers...unknowns!                       
                                                            
16086 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Tutta Gioia              



There's one thing I still just can't figure:                
Her nose is four inches or bigger.                          
How could she blow                                          
A guy we all know                                           
Is only three inches long <...snigger>.                     
                                                            
16087 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Karen                    



But isn't the Prez's thing bent?                            
Then I guess you can see how it went.                       
They engaged in their sport                                 
With her nose off to port                                   
With her cheek on his thigh, quite content.                 
                                                            
16088 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      John Miller              



While dining on fine wine and lobster,                      
A doctor, who's hardly a mobster,                           
Was heard to lament,                                        
"After what I've spent,                                     
My daughter is the White House Knobster."                   
                                                            
16089 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Jim Schaefer       TP9807



Said the daughter, "I am what I am.                         
I did it for my Uncle Sam.                                  
Yes, he camae down my throat                                
But that's it/unquote,                                      
'Cause he never got into my clam.                           
                                                            
16090 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      S C Saint                



Kathleen wrote these letters in praise;                     
Not a word of Bills lecherous ways.                         
"Oh Bill! You're my man!                                    
I'm your number one fan!                                    
I'll do anything if it pays!"                               
                                                            
16091 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



She says its the unkindest cut;                             
Now they're making her out as a nut.                        
But it just isn't true.                                     
What they're trying to do                                   
Is to show she's a gold digging slut.                       
                                                            
16092 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



Would she offer herself for enjoyment?                      
For the sake of a gainful employment?                       
Would she polish his knob                                   
For a government job?                                       
This is all yet to be detoiment.                            
                                                            
16093 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



As soon as she has passed the door,                         
Broke, she knows she has to whore.                          
Please President Billy                                      
I'll suck on your willy,                                    
For a job as ambassador.                                    
                                                            
16094 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



Just try to think back a long way                           
And imagine just what you would say,                        
If asked on TV,                                             
Were you having a spree?                                    
I know that I'd lie every day!                              
                                                            
16095 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      John and Liz             



So maybe he fibbed to his court                             
Was that court doing all that it ought?                     
Or trying to get                                            
A democrat yet,                                             
By checking up just on his sport.                           
                                                            
16096 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      John and Liz             



A man who when asked, would just say,                       
"I'm having a quiet little lay."                            
And hurt his wife's heart.                                  
That's not a good part                                      
For any world leader to play.                               
                                                            
16097 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      John and Liz             



At a fence, trying sex exercises,                           
Bill tried knotholes of various sizes.                      
A goose, thinking "Worm!"                                   
Got a beak full of sperm --                                 
Ain't life just chock-full of surprises?                    
                                                            
16098 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      PeterW                   



So Bill took up 'fencing' for kicks;                        
Of knotholes he screwed ninety-six.                         
But for knothole abuse                                      
There is not an excuse,                                     
Because knotholes are not holes for dicks.                  
                                                            
16099 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      PeterW                   



Old Billy boy is now on a roll --                           
He's found a new place for his pole.                        
It just goes to show                                        
The thing we all know --                                    
He'll screw anything with a hole!                           
                                                            
16100 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Kaylin                   



Billy will now try to bed                                   
Any old hole, living or dead.                               
In that case, take care                                     
To arrange you hair,                                        
To cover that hole in your head.                            
                                                            
16101 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



With Jones the lawyers did define                           
Sex to such a fine line,                                    
That they only can tell                                     
Whether that upon which I dwell                             
Is worthy of even a fine.                                   
                                                            
16102 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES                               



And her claim you may recall,                               
The Judge said it must fall,                                
For he gave her a promotion                                 
And nary a commotion                                        
About her refusal to ball.                                  
                                                            
16103 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES                               



It's a fact, Paula Jones keeps replying,                    
Which Clinton of course keeps denying.                      
She said she could see                                      
On his gross anatomy,                                       
A mark that would prove she's not lying.                    
                                                            
16104 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Ray Gessler              



Now I think her story's untrue                              
And most of the people would view                           
That fact with some doubt --                                
More claims would come out,                                 
For if true, there would be quite a few.                    
                                                            
16105 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Ray Gessler              



As leader of this great nation                              
I would spare you from such degradation                     
Put me in that chair                                        
And I'll take better care                                   
Where I shoot my ejaculation.                               
                                                            
16106 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



The first thing I'd do is pass laws                         
To keep girlfriends from flapping their jaws.               
Word gets back to the wife;                                 
They'd get 20 to life;                                      
I bet that one would stick in their craws                   
                                                            
16107 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll lead you if you will follow;                           
My promises won't ring hollow.                              
No stains on her coat!                                      
Just give me your vote,                                     
And I'll make it a crime not to swallow                     
                                                            
16108 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



You could be jumping to conclusions;                        
Kathleen might be selling delusions.                        
I'm not too appalled                                        
At a sexual assault,                                        
That doesn't leave scrapes and contusions.                  
                                                            
16109 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



She looks to be very beddable;                              
I bet she would even be edible.                             
But her past is bizarre                                     
And she's fallen far.                                       
She's really not too fucking credible.                      
                                                            
16110 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



She claims she was groped by the toad,                      
But I've seen cunts like her by the load.                   
You try touchy-feely;                                       
That's when they're squealy,                                
Not four or five years down the road.                       
                                                            
16111 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      MrMalo                   



There once was a gal named Willie;                          
The story she told was a dilly.                             
She'd never complained                                      
But now Clinton is framed.                                  
Is she a friend of Bill's family? Not really.               
                                                            
16112 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Harold Heidler           



She wrote letters of sweetness and light,                   
Pleading for a Christmas invite.                            
Bill wanted a clown,                                        
So she was turned down.                                     
Her seeking revenge isn't right.                            
                                                            
16113 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Harold Heidler           



Believe now a Willey so free,                               
Upset with his actions in '93?                              
He fondled her boob,                                        
Put her hand on his tube;                                   
Now she's making the rounds on TV.                          
                                                            
16114 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      S C Saint                



It's been five years after this disgrace,                   
When she wanted to slap his face.                           
She's now quite a bore                                      
For an ugly old whore.                                      
It's good Bill didn't come in her face.                     
                                                            
16115 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      S C Saint                



Since tales about villains we bruit,   (publicize, tout)    
Girls on tracks wait big train's "toot-toot",               
That dark plot is foiled,                                   
The transgressor boiled,                                    
"The seeds of crime bear bitter fruit!"                     
                                                            
16116 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



That's the bad guy in the dark suit,                        
Who's smoking an evil cherroot,                             
And stroking mustache,                                      
A "Snively Whiplash,"                                       
With morals like "Willy the Cute."                          
                                                            
16117 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



It started in bad manner, so,                               
When intern in office would go,                             
"I've got you, my lass!,                                    
Now give me some ass,                                       
Or better yet, make it a blow."                             
                                                            
16118 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



"Unhand me now, please, CEO,                                
Respect for us poor girls, please show.                     
My mother has said,                                         
I shouldn't give head,                                      
To someone that I barely know."                             
                                                            
16119 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



Around Oval Office they flew,                               
And then, before anyone knew,                               
He grabbed helpless maid,                                   
Whose disgust displayed                                     
His chance for some lovin' was through.                     
                                                            
16120 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



With rage he did fly in a stew,                             
And lifted her, as if on cue,                               
In manner sinister,                                         
Throw, administer,                                          
Her, to GOP taping crew.                                    
                                                            
16121 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



"We've got him with the smoking gun,                        
But then if our country is run,                             
By clod Albert Gore,                                        
There is really, 'what for',                                
So why don't we let him have fun."                          
                                                            
16122 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



They loaded their tapes into sacks,                         
And emptied the ones held in racks.                         
To Blair House they tore,                                   
And knocked on the door,                                    
And took smiling Veep to the tracks.                        
                                                            
16123 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



The right wing conspiracy ends,                             
They've saved our great nation, my friends,                 
And White House sweethearts,                                
Can play their grand parts,                                 
In setting new sexual trends.                               
                                                            
16124 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES      Chris Papa  2/20/98      



Keep cheerful, don't worry, don't vex;                      
Have a few simple medical checks.                           
Hope your doctor won't say,                                 
"Well you did it, okay.                                     
Now with whom do you think you had sex?"                    
                                                            
16125 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES                               



If he does, then he should have suggested                   
You get yourself DNA tested.                                
(Won't work I'm afraid                                      
If you didn't get laid,                                     
And the evidence now you've ingested.)                      
                                                            
16126 CLINTON - WOMEN - ZSERIES                               



Old Beau Brummell had pure "camp" in mind.                  
He regarded high fashion a kind                             
Of a hodgepodge of hats,                                    
Loud, bright, garish cravats,                               
Which are now thought of as "ties that blind."              
                                                            
16127 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



A bow tie is always quite proper,                           
Officious, and such a show-stopper.                         
So, if you dress nude,                                      
Remember this, Dude,                                        
Be proper when greeting that copper!                        
                                                            
16128 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Lucas Lines              



You don't show suspenders or {}                             
When dressed up for Jockey Clu{};                           
But items like these                                        
May drop to you knees                                       
While engaging in loving em{}.                              
                                                            
16129 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Harold C Bibby           



I've got a friend who's called Rob;                         
He's a very elegant slob.                                   
A chain to his pocket                                       
Does not hold a locket,                                     
But a snot rag upon his watch fob.                          
                                                            
16130 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES                                   



There once was a man named O'Brien                          
Who, whateverr he did, kept his tie on.                     
In the shower, or deck chair,                               
He was heard to declare                                     
That "It shows I'm a man to rely on."                       
                                                            
16131 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Michael Palin            



A foppish young fellow named Luke                           
Wears spats, cumberbund and peruke;                         
In this day and age,                                        
They're scarcely the rage --                                
One get this desire to puke.                                
                                                            
16132 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Armand E Singer       692



I'm wearing my turtle earrings.                             
Do you know the pain that it brings,                        
To wear them to bed?                                        
They poke in your head                                      
And make little holes and it stings.                        
                                                            
16133 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Marlene Lewis            



And what is the turtle's opinion,                           
Of being your unwilling minion?                             
Send the poor creat-                                        
Ure back to its beach,                                      
And don't please commit such a sinion.                      
                                                            
16134 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Tiddy Ogg                



My handkerchief soaked up the stain,                        
My condom could scarcely contain.                           
While shagging young Kate                                   
On the twenty-to-eight,                                     
Where I left my umbrella again.                             
                                                            
16135 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Anon                     



But my friend, you're a Brit, not an Asian,                 
So what good do you think does evasion?                     
A true British fella,                                       
Where is your umbrella?                                     
You should rise, my dear, to the occasion.                  
                                                            
16136 CLOTHES - ACCESSORIES          Anon                     



I knew a tough guy in the past,                             
Who broke boards with his hands.  He was fast,              
Till he took on a brick                                     
Just a tad bit too thick,                                   
But he still could break boards with his cast.              
                                                            
16137 CLOTHES - BELTS                Moore               P0101



A rich virgin, high on Mount Lassen,                        
Found her chastity belt would unfasten.                     
She cried to her guide,                                     
"Papa won't know you pried...                               
Let's DO...when no skier is passin'!"                       
                                                            
16138 CLOTHES - BELTS                Grand Prix Lim  649      



Though Chastity Belts should defend hers --                 
From actions overt should suspend hers --                   
Most women will chuckle,                                    
"All belts can unbuckle,                                    
So, darling remove your suspenders."                        
                                                            
16139 CLOTHES - BELTS                Irving Superior     P8903



On Chastity Belts, Doctor South,                            
Each morning on leaving his houth,                          
"Three belts, now, my Dear,                                 
One front and one rear."                                    
Then gave her a belt in the mouth.                          
                                                            
16140 CLOTHES - BELTS                Irving Superior     P8903



This cute English lassie named Myrtle,                      
Was so fecund and fruitful and fertile,                     
She was got with a child,      (That Sir Christopher Wren)  
By Sir Christopher Wilde,      (Put an egg in this hen)     
Through a crack in her chastity girdle.                     
                                                            
16141 CLOTHES - BELTS                                    G1694



There was a young lady named Myrtle,                        
Whose womb was exceedingly fertile.                         
Her pa got contortions                                      
At all her abortions,                                       
And bought her a chastity girdle.                           
                                                            
16142 CLOTHES - BELTS                                    L0949



Crusaders leaving, soon risk their lives,                   
Locked chastity belts on their wives,                       
And left salve for the itches                               
Caused by iron-clad britches --                             
Too bad if they came down with hives!                       
                                                            
16143 CLOTHES - BELTS                Al Kracht                



A knight who was quite hard to please                       
Had his wife secured down to her knees.                     
But the wretched old bitch                                  
Developed an itch,                                          
That she blamed on the lack of a breeze.                    
                                                            
16144 CLOTHES - BELTS                Bob Birch           P0304



This maiden ran off in a fright                             
And found just the key that was right.                      
With belt now discarded                                     
And rules disregarded,                                      
She cried out, "I'll screw every night!"                    
                                                            
16145 CLOTHES - BELTS                Bob Birch                



Robert said to the Widow DeGrand,                           
"Hey baby, your pussy is canned!                            
Please give me the key!"                                    
She said, "Don't you plea,                                  
For it's held in my late husbands hand!"                    
                                                            
16146 CLOTHES - BELTS                C. W. Curry         P8902



How I wonder," said Sarah McGee,                            
"Why my lover's lost interest in me;                        
Is it that I can't dance,                                   
Or the lock on my pants,                                    
For which I won't give him the key.                         
                                                            
16147 CLOTHES - BELTS                                         



I think you must have self-restraint,                       
But I must state a tiny complaint:                          
Your undies have locks,                                     
And they are stumbling blocks,                              
So forget that you're almost a saint.                       
                                                            
16148 CLOTHES - BELTS                Al Willis          TP9807



To his wife said Sir Hubert de Hoars,                       
"Fix this chastity belt round your drawers!"                
But an amorous Celt,                                        
Found a key to the belt,                                    
While the Squire was away at the wars.                      
                                                            
16149 CLOTHES - BELTS                Jim Weaver Collection    



No Chastity Belt for Van Goss;                              
He painted a duck near her moss.                            
By lovers erased;                                           
He repainted in haste;                                      
"I pee-ed and the duck swam across."                        
                                                            
16150 CLOTHES - BELTS                Irving Superior     P8903



So this iron pyrites I smelt                                
To construct you a chastity belt.                           
If you dare start to simmer                                 
With lust, it will shimmer                                  
And show you're beginning to melt.                          
                                                            
16151 CLOTHES - BELTS                H Welchel                



Keep all of your thoughts pure and clean                    
And ignore invitations obscene.                             
I'll look after this key                                    
While I'm over the sea.                                     
Be a good wench, you know what I mean.                      
                                                            
16152 CLOTHES - BELTS                H Welchel                



A locksmith I now need to find                              
To get me out of this bind,                                 
'Cause the ache in my twat                                  
Is making me hot,                                           
And my hips are starting to grind.                          
                                                            
16153 CLOTHES - BELTS                Jules                    



Smithy, can you please help out,                            
As my boyfriend, the untrusting lout                        
Has locked up my treasure,                                  
thus spoiling my pleasure                                   
And I'm suffering sexual drought.                           
                                                            
16154 CLOTHES - BELTS                Jules                    



It is Sir Lance-a-Lot here,                                 
With my pliers and bolt-cutting gear.                       
Have you free in a jiffy!                                   
Now play with my stiffy.                                    
We'll soon swing from the chandelier.                       
                                                            
16155 CLOTHES - BELTS                Lancelot                 



Lady, your fine as a pearl.                                 
So smithing? I'll give it a whirl.                          
I've popped many rocks.                                     
Excuse me, I meant locks.                                   
I stand a your cervix (service?), sweet girl.               
                                                            
16156 CLOTHES - BELTS                H Whelchel               



This lock, do you think you can shatter?                    
Was your promise just idle chatter?                         
You will be amply rewarded                                  
For once I'm un-hoarded,                                    
My cervix will be yours to batter.                          
                                                            
16157 CLOTHES - BELTS                Jules                    



I'll ream you so deep and so hard,                          
You'll need vaseline and some lard.                         
For mine is so profuse                                      
There's no room for juice.                                  
More than your cervix wlll be jarred.                       
                                                            
16158 CLOTHES - BELTS                H Welchel                



In Medieval times, which were crude,                        
To make sure that none would intrude                        
On a lady svelte,                                           
A chastity belt,                                            
Would her sweetest fortress OCCLUDE.                        
                                                            
16159 CLOTHES - BELTS                Chris Papa               



A clever inventor named Krupp,                              
Wore a belt when he wanted to tup.                          
His mighty dry cells,                                       
Made her teats ring like bells,                             
And lighted the hall entrance up.                           
                                                            
16160 CLOTHES - BELTS                                    L1459



A traveling salesman named Fife                             
Got a chastity belt for his wife.                           
The locksmith named Lee                                     
Made a duplicate key,                                       
And he had the time of his life.                            
                                                            
16161 CLOTHES - BELTS                World Bst Drty Lims P0101



A big bully, more muscle that brain,                        
Picked a fight, then lay writhing in pain.                  
"You're so skinny," he said,                                
"But you bloodied my head!                                  
Who are you?" The man said, "I am Kane."                    
                                                            
16162 CLOTHES - BELTS                William N Nesbit    P0101



When affairs became long overdue,                           
Fannie Fattarse took up jujitsu.                            
Now she says, "Kiss me, fool,                               
Or I'll injure your tool!"                                  
Wise young men are averse to argue.                         
                                                            
16163 CLOTHES - BELTS                William N Nesbit    P0101



My girlfriend is really a bore,                             
Her motto: Kick ass like it's war:                          
She just wants to attack                                    
Cause her belt is now black,                                
But darn it, I'd just like to score!                        
                                                            
16164 CLOTHES - BELTS                Mark Levy           P0101



My belt is not green, it's now blue;                        
I can beat up eleven Zulu;                                  
With a twelve inch erection,                                
I'm damn near perfection,                                   
So why can't I get girls to screw?                          
                                                            
16165 CLOTHES - BELTS                Mark Levy           P0101



Sir Tristram, on leave, found his lustiness                 
Enhanced by a soupcon of mustiness;                         
A chastity belt                                             
Made of copper and felt                                     
Gave his Lady the requisite crustiness.                     
                                                            
16166 CLOTHES - BELTS                                         



Said an abberant wife from Chicoutimi,                      
"I know what I wish men would do to me.                     
But unless they can melt                                    
This damn chastity belt,                                    
I'm afraid that they might not get through to me."          
                                                            
16167 CLOTHES - BELTS                Hugh Oliver           39a



This wasn't the story, I heard dealt.                       
He was shocked, when he first felt.                         
No, it wasn't a sym                                         
That covered her quim,                                      
But a medieval, chastity belt.                              
                                                            
16168 CLOTHES - BELTS                                         



Determined, this device would be shed,                      
Even if, it was made with pure lead.                        
He would work on the trestle,                               
Hoping to nestle, his vessel.                               
First to find, the sweet maidenhead.                        
                                                            
16169 CLOTHES - BELTS                                         



Him, being a master of his craft;                           
Payment, only with a sight draft.                           
But, was too tall an order,                                 
To take on this boarder;                                    
Before, she had a skin graft.                               
                                                            
16170 CLOTHES - BELTS                                         



An effeminate Skinhead from Skokie                          
Said, "At times, all this macho stuff's hokey.              
Shunning steroids, I'm svelte                               
Though I do have a belt,                                    
It's a mauve one and in KARAOKE."                           
                                                            
16171 CLOTHES - BELTS                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9611



Whether Anglo or Romish or Celt,                            
Just imagine the joke that was dealt                        
To those Bolde Knights of Olde                              
Who believed what was told:                                 
"Just one key per chastity belt."                           
                                                            
16172 CLOTHES - BELTS                Loren C Fitzhugh    P9911



Comes a broad to this orgy in Brampton,                     
With a chastity underpiece clamped on;                      
Then she raffles the key                                    
And displays, vulgarly,                                     
Where the price of her virtue is stamped on.                
                                                            
16173 CLOTHES - BELTS                Keith MacMillan       64c



To see me's a real sad sight.                               
I have trouble in standing upright.                         
the cause of my trouble:                                    
My back is bent double.                                     
Doc says my suspenders -- too tight!                        
                                                            
16174 CLOTHES - BELTS                Jerry Mendelson    TP9804



Nothing's as needed for Easter                              
As clothing that holds in your keister.                     
And stretchy waist nippers                                  
That go with your slippers,                                 
To hide the fact you are a feaster.                         
                                                            
16175 CLOTHES - BELTS                Lady J                   



"Though this belt is my husband's reliance                  
On my morals," Said Sue with defiance.                      
For your tongue there is room,                              
And you've seen, I presume,                                 
I have no orthodontal appliance.                            
                                                            
16176 CLOTHES - BELTS                Ed Potts            P9001



The chastity belt that Joe bought,                          
When viewed by his wife came to naught.                     
She gave it one glance                                      
And said, "Yes, I've got ants                               
But by THAT thing they'll never be caught!"                 
                                                            
16177 CLOTHES - BELTS                Grand Prix Lim  107      



Said the Knight, ere departing the feast,                   
"The Crusade carries me to the East.                        
But should I die there,                                     
It is only fair,                                            
That my beautiful bride be released.                        
                                                            
16178 CLOTHES - BELTS                John Miller              



So to you, Brother Tuck, I entrust                          
This key." Thus saying he thrust                            
The key to her band                                         
Full into the hand                                          
Of this Friar he knew he could trust.                       
                                                            
16179 CLOTHES - BELTS                John Miller              



He had gone but two miles, maybe three,                     
When behind a dust cloud he could see.                      
There burst from this dust                                  
Brother Tuck, fit to bust:                                  
"Thou hast given me, Sire, the wrong key!"                  
                                                            
16180 CLOTHES - BELTS                John Miller              



On the topic of ladies bra sizes,                           
There aren't that many surprises.                           
I thought she was wrong;                                    
Ordered 44-LONG,                                            
For this she won't win any prizes.                          
                                                            
16181 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Dudesdead                



There was a young man of Lapiere,                           
Who said to his date, "You're a dear.                       
Such a lovely big breast                                    
Would be fun when caressed."                                
So she gave him her blow-up brassiere.                      
                                                            
16182 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Albin Chaplin   3024-0513



There was a young lady named Grimes,                        
Who spent all her nickels and dimes,                        
On satin and lace,                                          
To hold her in place,                                       
And keep her abreast of the times.                          
                                                            
16183 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                               G0348



When you first meet H. Pinwiddle Battic,                    
You'll feel, girls, he's somewhat erratic.                  
For he'll say, "Well, my dear,                              
May I have your brassiere                                   
To add to the hoard in my attic?"                           
                                                            
16184 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Grand Prix Lim  470      



A cross-dressing kook from Tangiers,                        
Had a fondness for lacy brassieres.                         
But, being flat chested,                                    
Was heavily tested,                                         
So wore them as muffs on his ears.                          
                                                            
16185 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Bob Giandominico   P0107 



The best advertisers, the bra--                             
The truth lies beneath where they are.                      
Cosmetics are next,                                         
Then potential sex,                                         
And lastly, a dimly lit bar.                                
                                                            
16186 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Irving Superior     P9709



Victoria's Secret, perhaps,                                 
Should furnish us guys with good maps                       
To give us direction                                        
And basic protecion                                         
Through aisles lined with huge booby traps.                 
                                                            
16187 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Travis                   



Sweetheart, I love     Brah-rah-rah-Brahms                  
His music soft        Brah-ah-ah-Brahms                     
But now sweetheart,                                         
It's time we start                                          
Removing your         Bra-bah-bah-Brahms                    
                                                            
16188 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Irving Superior     P8802



Said Sadie O'Grady, "Oh Shit!                               
My new brassiere just doesn't fit!                          
It constrains my left breast                                
And I find I can't rest.                                    
This Maidenform has Pent-a-Tit!"                            
(Pentatette - a limerick newsletter)                        
16189 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           John Dohner         P8712



This garment, (which some will not mention),                
Is known for its twistin' and wrenchin';                    
Though size "D" may be cause                                
For male cheers and applause,                               
For its wearer, it's often tit-tension.                     
                                                            
16190 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Ann Gasser          P8803



Of a falsie salesman named Will,                            
It was said any void he could fill.                         
When asked about work,                                      
He replied with a smirk,                                    
"I make mountains out of molehill.                          
                                                            
16191 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Macsam                   



What ever you think of the thing,                           
A bra could be called a tit sling.                          
These undies, you see,                                      
Just happened to be                                         
Invented by Otto Titzling.                                  
                                                            
16192 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Larry Davis         P8712



There once was a Hollywood star,                            
Who breasts were the largest by far.                        
No use copping a feel,                                      
For her bra is chrome-steel,                                
A habit men think quite bizarre.                            
                                                            
16193 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Isaac Asimov             



Erin left, in her sweats, for the spa,                      
And her mother said, "It's a faux pas                       
For a girl to sashay                                        
Out a-jiggle that way!                                      
For heaven's sake, Erin, go bra!"                           
                                                            
16194 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Bob Giandomenico    P8802



"Last St. Patrick's Day early," said ma,                    
"I dreamt I was marching with pa                            
On Fifth Avenue there                                       
With the priests and the mayor                              
Wearing only my Erin Go bra."                               
                                                            
16195 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           A. N. Wilkins       P8802



It needed a good engineer                                   
For to keep me well-balanced up here.                       
A contraption of pulleys                                    
And ropes 'neath my woollies;                               
A novel, effective idea.                                    
                                                            
16196 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                                    



But jerking the rope to the right                           
Squeezed my mammaries hellishly tight;                      
And a jerk to the left                                      
Left me feeling bereft,                                     
As they dropped to my feet outta sight.                     
                                                            
16197 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                                    



And viewed with some misapprehension                        
Their new engineering invention.                            
But now I feel fine                                         
With their latest design,                                   
Using cables for added suspension.                          
                                                            
16198 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                                    



So ladies with mammaries large                              
As an elephant's arse or a barge                            
Or a red London bus,                                        
Go to Knockers 'R' Us,                                      
And they'll fit you for minimal charge.                     
                                                            
16199 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                                    



While having a drink at a bar,                              
Ernie noticed Bert wearing a bra!                           
"Since when?" Ernie cried,                                  
To which Bert replied,                                      
"Since my wife fished it out of my car!"                    
                                                            
16200 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Friar              TP9802



I'll tell you a tale, true, no lyin',                       
Concerning a playwright named Brian.                        
He's walking in Brighton,                                   
Feels something alight on                                   
His head...from a bus it came flyin'.                       
                                                            
16201 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Tiddy Ogg                



He looked up, saw two girls a-giggling,                     
And one has a bosom a-jiggling.                             
While they're looking down,                                 
And takes from his crown                                    
A bra that's of size fair-to-biggling.                      
                                                            
16202 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Tiddy Ogg                



He claims it's a 44D,                                       
And wonders just whose can it be.                           
I have a suspicion                                          
But need an admission,                                      
From who sent this message to me.                           
                                                            
16203 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Tiddy Ogg                



The frau of Count Ribbon von Troppen                        
Had trouble with bosoms adroppen.                           
So she ordered from Trier                                   
What we call "brassiere".                                   
But in German is "holtzemfrumfloppen."                      
                                                            
16204 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Arthur Deex         P8201



A prudish young lady, Camile,                               
Her bra was constructed of steel,                           
With cups of cement,                                        
Which were made to prevent                                  
All the fellows from copping a feel.                        
                                                            
16205 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Cap'n Bean               



The performance came off with eclat                         
When in Paris the wife of the Shah                          
Disrobed partly one day                                     
On the Champs-Elysees,                                      
And set fire to her Maidenform Bra.                         
                                                            
16206 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           A. N. Wilkins       P8802



A blonde, while at teatime with Chaucer,                    
Annoyingly sipped from her saucer;                          
"You never use cups?"                                       
He asked. "Hell no, pups!"                                  
She bellowed, "My tits hate a bra, Sir!"                    
                                                            
16207 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                                    



A wonderful thing is the bra.                               
It keeps boobs from whacking your jaw.                      
They jiggle about --                                        
Don't let 'em fall out!                                     
'Cause 'round here it is 'gainst the law!                   
                                                            
16208 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                                    



A buxom young lady from Maine                               
Wore dresses quite simple and plain,                        
But her bras were of lace.                                  
A string held them in place,                                
And one once gave way under the strain.                     
                                                            
16209 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Bob Birch           P0207



The labels on bras of old brides                            
Are warnings that hang from the sides;                      
"This carries large boulders                                
Supported by shoulders;                                     
Removing could cause some rock slides.                      
                                                            
16210 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Travis Brasell           



A canny old gent of the Heights                             
Had a fancy that seldom took flights.                       
When a bra was absurd on his well-endowed bird,             
And a transparent vest would be best on her chest,          
His pals asked for connubial rights.                        
                                                            
16211 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Dorothy's done gone burned her bra;                     
She's taken it one step too far.                            
Her tits now, she's found,                                  
Will drag upon the ground,                                  
And nipples have many a scar.                               
                                                            
16212 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Tiddy Ogg                



A wealthy stockbroker named Haaz,                           
Who in order to vanquish the blahs,                         
Would filch women's lacies                                  
From Gimbel's or Macy's,                                    
Was at last nabbed for shoplifting bras.                    
                                                            
16213 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           A. N. Wilkins       P8708



Abdul sported a checkered keffiyeh;                         
It went well with his white Arab gear;                      
From Pizza Huts he's banished,                              
After tablecloths vanished                                  
And his wife wore a checkered brassiere.                    
                                                            
16214 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



There is a young woman from Wearing                         
At whom everybody keeps staring.                            
She's losing her wits                                       
'Cause the size of her tits                                 
Is causing her bra to keep tearing.                         
                                                            
16215 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Jim Weaver Collection    



The woman knew something was wrong                          
And felt she had reached her swan song.                     
"It is just as I fear,                                      
When I buy a brassiere,                                     
I now need a 36 long!"                                      
                                                            
16216 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Scott                    



Young Katey's new bra is a trainer,                         
Bought by her mum to retain her.                            
But her beau won't put on                                   
His brand-new condom,                                       
So she'll have to use it as a strainer                      
                                                            
16217 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES                                    



A gal with a sixty inch chest,                              
Wore an unusual vest.                                       
"'Twas made up of dongs                                     
That used to belong                                         
To some of my randy houseguests."                           
                                                            
16218 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Ericka                   



She said, "Most of it's pieces and bits,                    
But this whole left side -- that's Fritz.                   
He was hung like a horse;                                   
A real tour de force.                                       
He was one of my favorites."                                
                                                            
16219 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Ericka                   



In the locker room, down at the spa,                        
Where I went to work out with Papa,                         
He took of his clothes,                                     
And I suddenly froze -                                      
He was wearing Mom's panties and bra!                       
                                                            
16220 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Cap'n Bean          P0207



Throw away your bras, girls, let 'em fall;                  
Don't regard your tits as big or small.                     
The will be no prizes                                       
For special boob sizes,                                     
'Cause our songs of praise cover them all.                  
                                                            
16221 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Dirruk                   



Before all you girls start to brag                          
About being braless, please tag                             
Your bras so we'll know                                     
To whom they should go                                      
When her big ol' tits start to sag.                         
                                                            
16222 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Travis Brasell           



I'm lucky that I have been blessed                          
With two healthy and lovable breasts.                       
But I won't go bare;                                        
A bra I will wear;                                          
Still I'll give a peek on request.                          
                                                            
16223 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Carol                    



'Bout the same as wearing a vise,                           
Bras feel like a torture device.                            
So for now I'll cavort                                      
Without any support;                                        
On sagging tits I'll roll the dice.                         
                                                            
16224 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Goin2later               



Since wearing bras you cannot hack,                         
Thus giving your hooters some slack,                        
I'm sending your way                                        
To use for the day,                                         
When you need to lift 'em -- a jack!                        
                                                            
16225 CLOTHES - BRASSIERES           Travis Brasell           



A funny old Frenchman in Nantes,                            
He roars and he raves and he rants.                         
The reason: a dog                                           
And a bristly hog                                           
Have torn two big holes in his pants.                       
                                                            
16226 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Cyril Bibby         P9307



The Kleenex is brought to his nose;                         
He inhales and then sharply blows.                          
The Kleenex is shattered,                                   
And boogers are splattered                                  
All over the front of his clothes!                          
                                                            
16227 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a gym mistress of Munich,                         
Whose muscular action was unique.                           
She wrestled with men                                       
Again and again,                                            
And burst all the seams in her tunic!                       
                                                            
16228 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Jim Weaver Collection    



The team with the suits made of worsted                     
Had their hopes to be champions bursted.                    
Their play, so it seems,                                    
Came apart at the seams,                                    
And in every game they were worsted.                        
                                                            
16229 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Laurence Perrine    P8306



Fugacious type bloomers are those,                          
That fade, not that cover your hose.                        
Those flowers my fade,                                      
But, be not afraid,                                         
The same thing won't happen to clothes.                     
                                                            
16230 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Larry Davis         P8511



There was a gravedigger called Barnes                       
Whose clothes were all covered with darns.                  
He'd dug fewer holes                                        
In his life, for poor souls                                 
Than his sweater had under his arms.                        
                                                            
16231 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Michael Palin            



There is a split in my jammies,                             
But it's still a really tight squeeze;                      
Not conveniently placed                                     
(Bet your heart raced),                                     
It's just 'cause I eat what I please.                       
                                                            
16232 CLOTHES - DAMAGED                                       



There was an old man of the Cape,                           
Who made himself garments of crepe.                         
When asked, "Do they tear?"                                 
He replied, "Here and there;                                
But they're perfectly splendid for shape."                  
                                                            
16233 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Robert L. Stevenson      



A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham,                         
Made brown paper trousers and woreham.                      
He looked nice and neat                                     
Till he bent in the street                                  
To pick up a pin: then he toreham.                          
                                                            
16234 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              E. Nepean                



A tailor played free with the code,                         
Making cheap goods to sell "a la mode."                     
But the stuff (wouldn't wear)                               
Was returned for repair:                                    
So he ripped whatsoever he sewed.                           
                                                            
16235 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Laurence Perrine    P8511



The girl on the flying trapeze                              
Can swing through the air with great ease.                  
The tights that she wears                                   
Are full of big tears.                                      
This lets in a great deal of breeze.                        
                                                            
16236 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Julia Strawn        P8711



There was an Old Lady whose folly                           
Induced her to sit on a collie.                             
Whereupon, by a thorn,                                      
Her dress being torn,                                       
She quickly became rather jolly.                            
                                                            
16237 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Edwardian Leer 027  P9306



There was a young girl of Bahari,                           
Who was chased on a night that was starry.                  
She was chased, so she raced,                               
Tore her gown in her haste,                                 
And cried, "I really must go - sew sari!"                   
                                                            
16238 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              R. P. M. Lehman          



What Walter Raleigh really dreaded                          
Was that his cloak was poorly threaded                      
And the Queen would sink,                                   
He'd often think,                                           
Up to when he was beheaded.                                 
                                                            
16239 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Irving Superior     P9001



In these humid summers of heat,                             
And his odoriferous feet                                    
And his fear and loathing                                   
Of changing his clothing,                                   
Compresses his socks into peat.                             
                                                            
16240 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Beelzebub                



The waiter came hurrying by;                                
He slipped and spilled soup on the thigh                    
Of a man in full dress,                                     
Who looked down at the mess,                                
And said, "Boy, there's a soup in my fly."                  
                                                            
16241 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2487



There was a young girl from old Natchez,                    
Whose garments were always in patchez.                      
When comment arose                                          
On the state of her clothes,                                
She drawled, "When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez."                
                                                            
16242 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Ogden Nash               



I took my cravat out this morn,                             
And beat it till tattered and torn.                         
I'm off out tonight,                                        
And must be dressed right;                                  
The rule is that ties must be worn.                         
                                                            
16243 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Tiddy                    



The wedding was postponed, delayed;                         
The guests were annoyed and dismayed.                       
Moths had chewed a big hole                                 
In the bride's camisole;                                    
Her pendulous tits were displayed.                          
                                                            
16244 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



The dry cleaners, Smith, Parker and Bose                    
Advertised with this gimmick they chose.                    
Displayed prominently                                       
For the whole world to see,                                 
"Come Right In Folks and Drop Off Your Clothes."            
                                                            
16245 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



There was a young woman named Astor,                        
Whose clothes fit her tight as a plaster.                   
When she happened to sneeze,                                
She felt a cold breeze,                                     
And knew she had met with disaster.                         
                                                            
16246 CLOTHES - DAMAGED                                  G1978



Phoned a poet: "Hello, are you there?                       
Take a bus and come straight to my lair.                    
On the wings of the breeze,                                 
Bring your other ones, please,                              
There's a tear in my very last pair."                       
                                                            
16247 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Glimmerick Book     P9310



Complained a cheap Scotsman from blunt,                     
Who'd found his wife bared to the cunt,                     
"What churl would dare ravish                               
The bride of MacTavish,                                     
And rip her new dress up the front?"                        
                                                            
16248 CLOTHES - DAMAGED              Armand E Singer       864



In my sweet little Alice Blue gown,                         
Was the first time I ever laid down,                        
I was both proud and shy,                                   
As he opened his fly,                                       
And the moment I saw it, I thought I would die.             
                                                            
16249 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                       



Oh, it hung almost down to the ground.                      
As it went in, I made not a sound.                          
The more that he shoved it,                                 
The more that I loved it,                                   
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.                           
                                                            
16250 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                       



In my sweet little nightgown of blue,                       
On the first night that I slept with you,                   
I was both shy and scared,                                  
As the bed I prepared,                                      
Any you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.            
                                                            
16251 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                  L0045



As we both watched the break of the day,                    
And in peaceful submission I lay,                           
You said you adored it,                                     
But dammit, you tore it,                                    
My sweet little night gown of blue.                         
                                                            
16252 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                  L0045



In my beautiful Alice-blue gown,                            
When I first took a trip into town,                         
The halter neck broke                                       
And straight away a bloke                                   
Grabbed me and pulled the thing down.                       
                                                            
16253 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Fred                     



Now out of my Alice-blue dress,                             
I was in a bit of distress.                                 
But then he pulled out                                      
A thick nine-inch spout,                                    
Which I must admit, did impress.                            
                                                            
16254 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Fred                     



Immediately on him I went down.                             
When he finished, I thought I would drown.                  
But next time I go                                          
To a club or a show,                                        
I'll be wearing that Alice-blue gown.                       
                                                            
16255 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Fred                     



Frugalis cantatrix ornata                                   
Cui stola quadratis notata                                  
Et albis et caerulis                                        
Scripsit cantionis                                          
Ea uti cantaret contrita.                                   
                                                            
16256 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Ogden Nash          P8802



A thrifty soprano of Hingham                                
Designed her own dresses of gingham.                        
On the blue and white squares                               
She wrote opera airs                                        
So when they wore out she could singham.                    
                                                            
16257 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Brian N Meyer trans P8802



Said an old English gent, a real toff,                      
"Fill up your glasses!  Let's quaff                         
To mini-skirt joys                                          
Which enable the boys                                       
To begin where their fathers left off."                     
                                                            
16258 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                  G0205



Farm living made one cow 'boo-hoo',                         
Just longing for Honolulu.                                  
The sun and the surf                                        
Beats chewing on turf;                                      
Now she's called the Hawaiian Moo-Moo.                      
                                                            
16259 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Dorothy J. Saurer   P9202



Have you heard of the "New" evening dress,                  
Made of cabbage leaves that they did press                  
To fit curves on the form                                   
Of a lass?  Then they storm                                 
'Round and mist to keep dress on the princess.              
                                                            
16260 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Hilde na Beag            



There once was a ganster called Slug,                       
A most reprehensible mug.                                   
He called his moll's dress                                  
A shitty-assed mess,                                        
And referred to her teat as a dug.                          
                                                            
16261 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                  G2508



See, my Sweet Thing has got a new dress;                    
Hem and neckline are daring, I guess!                       
At a dance, golly gee;                                      
It embarasses me;                                           
When I suffer erectile distress!                            
                                                            
16262 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                       



No wonder that blokes unemployed,                           
With the Duchess of Z. are annoyed;                         
The jewels on her gown                                      
Would keep a small town;                                    
Her sang must be terribly froid.                            
                                                            
16263 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Langford Reed       P8809



The ILGWU                                                   
Makes duds for the ladies, it's true,                       
And also for men                                            
Who've developed the yen                                    
To be dressed, like Mae West, en frou-frou.                 
(ILGWU - International Ladies Garment Workers Union)        
16264 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Robin K. Willoughby P8608



The Oscar Night jokes were all witty;                       
The girls were outrageously pretty.                         
Their gowns were divine,                                    
Baring shoulders and spine                                  
And delightful expanses of titty.                           
                                                            
16265 CLOTHES - DRESSES              jemstone            P2006



There was a young lady from Boulder,                        
And dresses she wore, off the shoulder.                     
So far off, you found,                                      
They'd fall to the ground;                                  
Most of the fellow there rolled her.                        
                                                            
16266 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Tiddy                    



There was a young girl of Australia,                        
Who went to a dance as a dahlia;                            
Then the petals unfurled,                                   
It revealed to the world,                                   
That the dress, as a dress, was a failure.                  
                                                            
16267 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Langston Reed            



Three girly-men, all dressed in leather,                    
Went to a pawn shop to see whether                          
Clothes less bold                                           
They could get for their old--                              
They came out wearing gowns made of feather!                
                                                            
16268 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Limberick                



There was a Young Person of Crete,                          
Whose toilette was far from complete;                       
She dressed in a sack,                                      
Spickle-speckle with black,                                 
And a fly front for acts indiscrete.                        
                                                            
16269 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Edwardian Leer 035       



There was a gay flapper of Delaware                         
Whose Momma admonished her: "Ella wear                      
No skirt that's so high                                     
That a by-passer's eye                                      
Of the shape of your figure'd be well aware.                
                                                            
16270 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Glimmerick Book     P9012



You're looking for your old jock,                           
The one I found down by the dock?                           
Your fashion sense lacking,                                 
I sent them packing,                                        
They simply don't go with your frock!                       
                                                            
16271 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                       



A couturier from Haverford-West,                            
Has designed an ankle-length vest.                          
She says, "It's got holes                                   
For respectable souls                                       
Who can only have sex when they're dressed.                 
                                                            
16272 CLOTHES - DRESSES              E O Parrot               



"So do I look fat in this dress?"                           
No answer to that one, I guess.                             
I should tell the truth,                                    
But I learned in my youth                                   
That a mumble is better than "Yes!"                         
                                                            
16273 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Peter Wilkins            



There's an answer that surely will soften                   
The ire of a wife, without coughin'.                        
With an air of regard,                                      
As though I thought hard,                                   
I would say, "You should wear it more often."               
                                                            
16274 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Liam na Beag             



A lass named Becky from 'Bama                               
Wore her lovers' old shirts as pajamas.                     
They were comfy, not tight;                                 
Their smell was just right,                                 
And her dreams were real mamajammers!                       
                                                            
16275 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Richard Wall             



Miss Fair Frigidaire was divine,                            
Dressed in snowflakes so crispy and fine.                   
You would spot it was her                                   
By her natural fur,                                         
And the icicles right down her spine.                       
                                                            
16276 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Carl Ludvig         P0207



There was a merchant named Walker,                          
Who was a maternity store stocker.                          
To pregnant women he'd sell                                 
But his friends gave him hell,                              
When they called him just a mother-frocker.                 
                                                            
16277 CLOTHES - DRESSES              James Murray             



There was a young girl of Darjeeling                        
Who used to stand up on the ceiling,                        
So her long evening gown                                    
From her waistline hung down--                              
We all thought it most sex appealing.                       
                                                            
16278 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                  G2308



I'm a hardworking airhead from Braintree;                   
Got an interesting job 'cause I'm brain-free.               
As a job, it did suck                                       
But I came off with luck,                                   
For my dresses were found to be stainfree.                  
                                                            
16279 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Snaggletooth             



Amanda from Dagenham West                                   
Wears nothing at all 'neath her vest;                       
But now she's gone bought                                   
Herself dresses so short,                                   
One can see that she's well underdressed                    
                                                            
16280 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Peter Wilkins            



A pretty young lady named Tess                              
Wore a fancy but flimsy silk dress.                         
Showed her form when 'twas breezy,                          
And it sure comes off easy,                                 
With some wine and a kiss and caress.                       
                                                            
16281 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Bob Birch           P0207



A pretty young lady named Tess                              
Got herself in one hell of a mess.                          
So I helped out this gal,                                   
'Cause I'm that kind of pal,                                
And I helped her right out of her dress.                    
                                                            
16282 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Bob Birch           P0207



Picking fruit in a dress seems too hard?                    
Well, you might try for a start                             
To completely undress                                       
(To relieve your distress).                                 
I'll stand guard if I don't get too hard.                   
                                                            
16283 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Jenny set out to impress                              
With a really spectacular dress;                            
It was split up the front                                   
To show acres of cunt,                                      
And plunged down to her navel no less.                      
                                                            
16284 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                       



Her nipples were visible too,                               
(There were cut-outs for poking them through)               
And the back wasn't there;                                  
Why she bothered to wear                                    
It, I haven't the foggiest clue.                            
                                                            
16285 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Peter Wilkins            



There was a young girl of Bahari,                           
Who was chased on a night that was starry.                  
She was chased, so she raced,                               
Tore her gown in her haste,                                 
And cried, "I really must go -- sew sari!"                  
                                                            
16286 CLOTHES - DRESSES              R P M Lehmann            



There was a young lady named Green                          
Whose dresses could hardly be seen,                         
For the threads were so few                                 
That what you could do                                      
Was easily look in between.                                 
                                                            
16287 CLOTHES - DRESSES              William K. Alsop    P8809



There was a young lady named Ness                           
Who bought a most outlandish dress.                         
She wore it to the ball,                                    
But as she reached the hall,                                
Some straps snapped: she was in distress!                   
                                                            
16288 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Arthur Pattaffy          



For instance a girl in distress                             
With an unwilling zip in her dress:                         
My reaction is quick                                        
At helping that chick;                                      
What ensues usually is a mess!                              
                                                            
16289 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                       



There was an old lady of Dillow:                            
Her skirts had a tendency to billow.                        
On day in the street,                                       
Lifted off her feet                                         
By the wind, and dropped in a willow.                       
                                                            
16290 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Nithene                  



But her strategy somehow misfired,                          
When they saw how she was attired.                          
Her tactics were hurt                                       
By a very short skirt,                                      
And the tight sweater they all admired.                     
                                                            
16291 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Jim Weaver Collection    



My god!  Do you call that a dress?                          
The material couldn't be less!                              
What there is, is so thin                                   
And transparent; it's sin-                                  
Ful and causing me trouser distress.                        
                                                            
16292 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Peter Wilkins            



A voluptuous vamp from Van Nuys                             
Thinks dresses impress all the guys;                        
When she's buying a gown,                                   
She'll give a faint frown,                                  
"I'll have to try this on for sighs."                       
                                                            
16293 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Norm Storer         P9207



"Tut! Tut!" said the flapper of Delaware.                   
"Stop stewing about what the hell I wear                    
Or I'll start in to dress                                   
So they won't have to guess                                 
To know what I next to my elbow wear."                      
                                                            
16294 CLOTHES - DRESSES              The Glimerick Book  P9002



A Hindu and Bat had a row                                   
As to who owned some clothing somehow.                      
A continuing rift                                           
About who owned the gift;                                   
We will never know whose sari now.                          
                                                            
16295 CLOTHES - DRESSES              Tom Patton          P0800



Two dollies aboard a cruise ship,                           
Men found mighty easy to trip.                              
But their seual excesses                                    
So wrinkled their dresses,                                  
That the next time they're planning to strip.               
                                                            
16296 CLOTHES - DRESSES                                  G0757



My niece is a saucy young devil,                            
Tormenting her poor boyfriend Neville.                      
She's a proper young flirt                                  
With the hem of her skirt                                   
Only two inches below "C" level!                            
                                                            
16297 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Percy Longprong          



On a warm south sea island did Bert                         
Watch the gals dance to drums, in grass skirts.             
He tried to reach out                                       
And was acting the lout,                                    
At the sight of bare boobies, so pert!                      
                                                            
16298 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Azul                     



A cop grabbed our Bert by the collar,                       
And at him he started to holler,                            
In tones very loud:                                         
"That, man, ain't allowed,                                  
Unless first you pay her a dollar."                         
                                                            
16299 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                              



His willie at its full alert,                               
Was a tiny pint-sized little squirt.                        
When the native girls sassed                                
That his pole was half-mast,                                
They could actually see it invert.                          
                                                            
16300 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                              



Have mercy, my dear, on poor Bert;                          
Long times without romance will hurt.                       
When mammary treasures                                      
Sway 'round, promise pleasures;                             
He'll dream 'bout what's under her skirt!                   
                                                            
16301 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                              



With those arms stretching out, he's not groping;           
Supplication's more like it; he's hoping                    
For some South Seas romance                                 
'Neath grass skirts, not for pants!                         
For poor Bert, for a long time's been moping!               
                                                            
16302 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                              



All the  great gals who get up and dance,                   
Show themselves when the gents they entrance;               
Whether strip-tease or hula,                                
They'll make mucho moola,                                   
By seeming to promise romance!                              
                                                            
16303 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                              



A demure little lady named Bridget,                         
At the ball had two reasons to fidget.                      
Her gown was hoop-skirted,                                  
And she'd seen a perverted                                  
And pogo stick carrying midget.                             
                                                            
16304 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Don Moore           P0207



A lovely young lady named Beattie                           
Wore a hula skirt home from Tahiti.                         
Customs had to remove it                                    
Before they'd approve it,                                   
Which caused quite a rash of graffiti.                      
                                                            
16305 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



Girls' styles cause a strain on mens' eyes,                 
As skirts now are well up the thighs.                       
It may cause a thrill                                       
As the mini cake frill;                                     
Like hot air it continues to rise.                          
                                                            
16306 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Arthur Pattaffy          



A young Chinese model, May Wong,                            
Wore a leather skirt which was all wrong.                   
I am afraid it revealed                                     
That which should stay concealed.                           
Critics said, "It's no skirt, it's a thong!"                
                                                            
16307 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Arthur Pattaffy          



When the girl went to shul in hot pants,                    
The rabbis locked shocked and askance.                      
The elders, in turn,                                        
This new fashion did spurn;                                 
The students thought she's worth a glance.                  
                                                            
16308 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Arthur Pattaffy          



A girl who tests trucks for GM                              
Wears skirts with a very short hem.                         
When under the hood,                                        
You get quite a good                                        
Look at her juicy young quim.                               
                                                            
16309 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                              



I do believe men should wear skirts.                        
Avoid all those left and right hurts.                       
There's plenty of room                                      
For any size plume,                                         
That rises up because you're flirts!                        
                                                            
16310 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Marlene                  



Her miniskirt -- when Mrs. Kimmet                           
Told her husband she thought she might trim it,             
What did the guy say?                                       
He replied to her, "Hey,                                    
Remember the thigh is the limit."                           
                                                            
16311 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     A. N. Wilkins       P8508



Ladies now wear their skirts longer;                        
I usually control that old conger.                          
But mini clad teasers,                                      
Bent over the freezers,                                     
Have too much effect on my donger.                          
                                                            
16312 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                              



The shapely young lady from Crete                           
Wore a very short skirt on the street.                      
When she wiggled her rear,                                  
The boys would all cheer                                    
And when she bent down, what a treat!                       
                                                            
16313 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



Young Debbie makes wonderful cheese                         
At the dairy and has wonderful knees.                       
But I can't fail to see                                     
That twixt hemline and knee,                                
There's an eighteen inch gap; what a tease!                 
                                                            
16314 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Peter Wilkins            



Peter, you've been looking peaky;                           
Chasing those sheep's really freaky.                        
But now you can flirt                                       
With young Debbie's short skirt;                            
The view from the rear is quite cheeky.                     
                                                            
16315 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Tony Burrell             



Ethel's dress, which was skimpy and short,                  
Didn't come down as far as it ought.                        
'Twixt her skirt and her stocking,                          
The distance was shocking,                                  
And drove her poor boyfriends distraught.                   
                                                            
16316 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                         P9005



Half an inch, half an inch shorter,                         
Skirts the same for the mother and daughter.                
When the wind blows                                         
Each one of them shows,                                     
Half an inch more than they oughter.                        
                                                            
16317 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS                         P9005



There was a young girl from near Merton,                    
Who had such a very short skirt on,                         
That the curate said: "Dear,                                
You look very queer,                                        
Have you really a skirt or a shirt on?"                     
                                                            
16318 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Myler Magrath            



I followed the girl with blonde hair,                       
She walked like she hadn't a care.                          
Her skirt swung side to side;                               
Her contours couldn't hide                                  
That she felt she had something to share!                   
                                                            
16319 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Arthur Pattaffy          



A middle aged lady named Winnie                             
Ate little, and she became skinny.                          
Wearing a very short dress                                  
She looked a real mess;                                     
She should never be seen in a mini!                         
                                                            
16320 CLOTHES - DRESSES - SKIRTS     Arthur Pattaffy          



If there's one thing that I always knew,                    
It's that nothing compares with a shoe.                     
I have fifty pair;                                          
They're stored everywhere.                                  
A bit greedy, but what can I do?                            
                                                            
16321 CLOTHES - FEET                 Al Willis                



Their quite tongues never protest,                          
Though their souls are sorely pressed.                      
Twin brothers they,                                         
Carrying loads all day:                                     
Stand empty when finally at rest.                           
                                                            
16322 CLOTHES - FEET                 The Limerick Book   P8606



The crooner, biographers said,                              
Shunned golf shoes, wore sneakers instead.                  
This fact has good ground,                                  
For his locker, they found,                                 
Held no foot-wear save one Bing-sized Ked.                  
                                                            
16323 CLOTHES - FEET                 Bob Giandomenico    P9602



My beautiful feet now I mourn,                              
They're covered with callus and corn.                       
The Birkenstock fit                                         
Is appalling; I quit,                                       
And into the trash can they've gorn.                        
                                                            
16324 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



You've had more luck with their gear                        
Than what I have ever had, I fear:                          
Plantars warts and bromodrosis,  (not in my unabridged)     
Ingrown toenail and maduromycosis  (foot fungus)            
Are the diseases I got from the footwear.                   
                                                            
16325 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



Fantastically dressed for a ball,                           
Went Cindy, the best of them all,                           
With Birkenstock shoes,                                     
Her choice she did choose,                                  
For Charming, she heard, he did call...                     
                                                            
16326 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



And Prince Charming?  He's equally dressed,                 
Much better than all of the rest,                           
With long flowing locks,                                    
He wore Birkenstocks,                                       
And danced with only the best.                              
                                                            
16327 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



Moreover, behold what all wore!                             
Extravagant silks and much more,                            
Tuxedos and suits,                                          
High Birkenstock boots,                                     
The kinds that great princes adore!                         
                                                            
16328 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



The tables were loaded with shoes,                          
For princes and barons with clues,                          
For queens and great kings,                                 
Who wore diamond rings                                      
Who loved their great Birkenstock shoes.                    
                                                            
16329 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



The Bishop arrived on a sleigh,                             
And came in without a delay.                                
For angels foretold                                         
How Charming would hold                                     
That Cindy and have her today.                              
                                                            
16330 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



And he would have both of them swear                        
To marry together and share,                                
And live their whole life                                   
As husband and wife,                                        
In Birkenstocks, best of shoeware.                          
                                                            
16331 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



Now Matthew, you've got a brown shnozz,                     
From praising these overpriced Shozz.                       
The name Birkenstock                                        
Gave me a big shock;                                        
We don't have that kind here in Oz!                         
                                                            
16332 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



A gay lost his boots in a game                              
Of soccer (and futbol's the same).                          
He had bared both his feet                                  
For relief from the heat;                                   
Thos pecs, shorts and thighs were to blame!                 
                                                            
16333 CLOTHES - FEET                 Wasi                     



A daft elfin lady complained                                
Of pains in her groin when it rained.                       
A carpenter friend                                          
Brought her plight to an end                                
When the tops of her storm boots he planed.                 
                                                            
16334 CLOTHES - FEET                 Bob Giandomenico    P9003



She has a shoe business, my honey.                          
She takes in just oodles of money.                          
She sells pretty shoes,                                     
No one can refuse,                                          
And at night she cavorts like a bunny.                      
                                                            
16335 CLOTHES - FEET                 Al Willis                



There once was a man from Peru,                             
Who liked to make love to his shoe.                         
He said with a hoot,                                        
(As he came in his boot)                                    
"Tomorrow I'll try a size two!"                             
                                                            
16336 CLOTHES - FEET                 Mustard                  



A fanciful dresser from Rome                                
Wore socks that caused people to groan.                     
On red and one blue,                                        
Each bright in its hue,                                     
And a pair he had like it at home.                          
                                                            
16337 CLOTHES - FEET                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2773



Pointy-toed boots are the rage                              
For galloping over the sage,                                
Or dancing or walking                                       
Or sitting or talking...                                    
And boots don't wear out, they just age.                    
                                                            
16338 CLOTHES - FEET                 Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Cowboy boots aren't meant for walking!                      
They're just for standin' there talking,                    
Or used when they ride                                      
To keep feet inside                                         
The stirrup, when cows they are stalking.                   
                                                            
16339 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



A cowboy who wore fancy boots                               
Went calling one night on his toots.                        
But his high heels and all                                  
Made him stretch up too tall;                               
They had to sit down to rub snoots!                         
                                                            
16340 CLOTHES - FEET                 S Omar Barker       P0209



There once was a fellow named Oscar,                        
Who had slept in many a box car.                            
He feared not anthrax,                                      
Or such fearsome attacks,                                   
For 'twas less dangerous than his socks are.                
                                                            
16341 CLOTHES - FEET                 Phil T                   



My feet are of such different size,                         
The difference made problems arise.                         
There's no single pair                                      
That will fit, so I wear                                    
A pair which two half pairs comprise.                       
                                                            
16342 CLOTHES - FEET                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The hot new designer named Sam                              
Designs shoes in which ladies cram                          
Their insteps and toes                                      
In ultra-sheer hose                                         
And cost THREE hundred dollars a gam                        
                                                            
16343 CLOTHES - FEET                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



They feel like your foot's in a vise,                       
But they make ladies' figures look nice.                    
They tilt a girl's mass                                     
To display tits and ass,                                    
So maybe they ARE worth the price.                          
                                                            
16344 CLOTHES - FEET                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



One day when I went to the races,                           
I discovered a knot in my laces.                            
But when I found out,                                       
It was too late to shout,                                   
And I fell down the steps on my faces.                      
                                                            
16345 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



Setting out for a late-evening cruise,                      
I put down my bottle of buise                               
And started to go,                                          
When my feet told me NO!                                    
(I'd forgotten to put on my shuise.)                        
                                                            
16346 CLOTHES - FEET                 Norm Storer              



A gay lost his boots in a game,                             
And everyone said, "It's a shame."                          
The faggot was bootless;                                    
The boots were quite fruitless,                             
So he borrowed some shoes from a dame!                      
                                                            
16347 CLOTHES - FEET                 Al Willis                



There was an Archdeacon who said,                           
"May I take off my gaiters in bed?"                         
But the Bishop said "No!                                    
Wherever you go,                                            
You must wear them until you are dead."                     
                                                            
16348 CLOTHES - FEET                 Explosion of Limericks   



In a frock at the Prom, she was queen,                      
(Don't think competition's not keen)                        
She was rated a ten                                         
By the erudite men,                                         
Though they censured her stockings of green.                
                                                            
16349 CLOTHES - FEET                 VOL 5                    



My dear Robin Kay, your feet, sweet                         
Smell swell, they don't stink 'cause you're neat.           
The trouble with heels                                      
Is that they leave weals                                    
When you kick someone in the seat!                          
                                                            
16350 CLOTHES - FEET                 Sam Shaffe          P8802



When nimble young Nicola Knox                               
Was climbing about on some rocks,                           
Warned her friend, "If you chose,                           
To take off your shoes,                                     
You'll get great big holes in your socks."                  
                                                            
16351 CLOTHES - FEET                 Funfax Limericks         



An uncommon fetish is Sue's;                                
She makes use of her lickerish cooze;                       
With her damp underclothes,                                 
She shines up the toes                                      
Of her black-patent, spiky-heeled shoes.                    
                                                            
16352 CLOTHES - FEET                 Robin K. Willoughby P8710



So loose was the wife of young Merritt,                     
He felt he no longer could bear it.                         
As he picked up her slipper,                                
He remarked not too chipper,                                
"This old shoe, if it fits, I will wear it."                
                                                            
16353 CLOTHES - FEET                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0543



There was an Old Man of Wreaking,                           
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking;                       
But they said, "Tell us whether                             
You're into black leather,                                  
Or are you the kind who likes streaking?"                   
                                                            
16354 CLOTHES - FEET                 Edwardian Leer 019       



The shoes of old Eskimo Joe                                 
Fell apart as he walked in the snow.                        
"Have you needle and thread?"                               
I enquired, but he said,                                    
"No, igloo them not sew them, you know."                    
                                                            
16355 CLOTHES - FEET                 Peter Wilkins            



There's a zephyr-like breeze in the trees,                  
As I slip on my 42C's.                                      
(You may jeer, I don't mind                                 
But in Rome you will find,                                  
It's the size of my shoes, if you please.)                  
                                                            
16356 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



My horse threw two shoes crossing Pikey's                   
Creek.  Thankfully, blacksmithy Mikey's                     
Shop had some to spare:                                     
"What size does he wear?"                                   
Asked Mikey, "I only sell Nikes."                           
                                                            
16357 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



There once was a girl named Lou,                            
Who had but only one shoe.                                  
When asked, "Where's the other?"                            
She replied, "On my brother,                                
And he only has but one, too."                              
                                                            
16358 CLOTHES - FEET                 VOL 7                    



Whenever I wear my new clogs,                               
I'm followed by frisky young dogs.                          
One started to beg,                                         
Then he lifted his leg                                      
And dampened the hem of my togs.                            
                                                            
16359 CLOTHES - FEET                 Bill Wall                



As the breeches-buoy swung toward the rocks,                
Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!                         
I could not bear the loss                                   
For with scarlet silk floss,                                
My momma has embroidered their clocks."                     
                                                            
16360 CLOTHES - FEET                 Edward Gorey             



I'm mechanically apt myself, toots.                         
I've constructed some seven league boots --                 
An invention that begs                                      
For 3.5 league legs,                                        
Or a terrible groin pain up-shoots.                         
                                                            
16361 CLOTHES - FEET                 Lucy                     



Perhaps I should stick to consuming                         
And stop on inventiveness pluming.                          
Myself, I'm ahead                                           
Of my time, it's been said.                                 
Other say that I need padded-rooming.                       
                                                            
16362 CLOTHES - FEET                 Lucy                     



There's nothing so shocking as socks                        
Worn by shepherds while tending their flocks.               
Soiled by six weeks of lunches                              
And stuff that my hunch is,                                 
Got spilled when they got off their rocks.                  
                                                            
16363 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



There was a young lady of Stormaway,                        
Who by walking, her shoes had all worn away.                
She said, "I won't mind                                     
If only I find                                              
That it's taken that horrible corn away."                   
                                                            
16364 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



As she drove to the meeting one night,                      
One lone shoe appeared off her right.                       
Then a couple blocks more,                                  
Saw a shoe to the fore.                                     
Seemed a match -- must be losing her sight.                 
                                                            
16365 CLOTHES - FEET                 Hilde na Beag            



While driving back home the same route,                     
She stopped twice to relieve her doubt.                     
The shoes matched -- were a pair,                           
And a size she could wear.                                  
She smiled as she wore them about.                          
                                                            
16366 CLOTHES - FEET                 Hilde na Beag            



I often seen shoes in the street,                           
Discarded in both cold and heat.                            
Which means that out there                                  
In public somewhere,                                        
Some fool's running 'round with bare feet.                  
                                                            
16367 CLOTHES - FEET                 Observer                 



I once heard the stocking top say,                          
To pantie-hose as they both lay                             
In the laundry bin: "I                                      
Climb right up her thigh.                                   
So near and yet so far away."                               
                                                            
16368 CLOTHES - FEET                 Tiddy Ogg                



"Don't fret," said the pantie-hose gusset.                  
"Though pussy's nice, dont make a fuss. It                  
Ain't all so fair.                                          
An asshole's up there,                                      
And gee, when it farts, how I cuss it."                     
                                                            
16369 CLOTHES - FEET                 Tiddy Ogg                



As I bent down to tie up my shoe,                           
As I find that I often must do,                             
I found one sock black --                                   
Alas and alack!                                             
'Cause the other sock surely was blue!                      
                                                            
16370 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



Rimbly, a socksmith from Chad,                              
Was caught up in a new fad.                                 
To wear socks on your head                                  
Or your mum will drop dead.                                 
To me this is crazy and sad.                                
                                                            
16371 CLOTHES - FEET                 Anon                     



There was an old man who was sitting                        
Beneath the Acropolis, knitting.                            
He knitted a sock,                                          
And a scarf and a smock,                                    
Then he tried them all on in one fitting.                   
                                                            
16372 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



There was a young lad from Bahrain                          
Who prayed to the heavens for rain,                         
For he'd squirted his goo                                   
All over his shoe,                                          
And he couldn't get rid of the stain.                       
                                                            
16373 CLOTHES - FEET                 Peter Wilkins            



To please him, she shaved her locks off;                    
Said "Screw me and come!  Get your rocks off!".             
He ripped off his clothes                                   
But she covered her nose,                                   
As he tore his old favorite socks off.                      
                                                            
16374 CLOTHES - FEET                 Ardens                   



She couldn't get over the smell;                            
Held her nose, and said "What the hell!                     
I'll do my part!"                                           
And then blew out a fart!                                   
We both stink , so now I can't tell!"                       
                                                            
16375 CLOTHES - FEET                 Arden                    



A centipede from Syracuse                                   
Played 2nd base for the Blues.                              
He was two hours late                                       
Reporting to the plate,                                     
After tying all of his shoes.                               
                                                            
16376 CLOTHES - FEET                 Bob Polecat              



You women, I fear it's bad news,                            
I do not like feminist views;                               
My ideal for feet                                           
Is a broad who's in heat                                    
And too horny to take off her shoes.                        
                                                            
16377 CLOTHES - FEET                 Ed Potts            P8802



The army of Mexico goes                                     
Into battle with naught on their toes.                      
Miguel stopped their boos                                   
With an issue of shoes,                                     
So they cheered him with "Viva Zapatos!"                    
                                                            
16378 CLOTHES - FEET                 Fred Cohen          P8412



The best kind of shoes that I like                          
To use in the pluggin' of dykes                             
Are those worn by duffers                                   
With toe-shielding scuffers,                                
And grippers on bottom called spikes.                       
                                                            
16379 CLOTHES - FEET                                          



What companies make wooden shoes?                           
Where does the wood come from?  And whose?                  
What kind is the best                                       
To carve out and test,                                      
Or for making the comfort that soothes.                     
                                                            
16380 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchalin       



Is it hazelwood, cherry, or oak,                            
Or something else, if I mispoke,                            
That makes a good shoe                                      
Like rubbery glue,                                          
Lest pebbles get through and then poke.                     
                                                            
16381 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchalin       



A good story is probably there,                             
Of wooden shoes fashioned so fair,                          
Of buying and cutting,                                      
Of nailing and shutting,                                    
And bossing them, so I would swear.                         
                                                            
16382 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchalin       



And marketing, making the sale,                             
And trafficing them by mail.                                
For demand must be high,                                    
To sell and to buy                                          
Shoes made of wood bound by the nail.                       
                                                            
16383 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchcalin      



The only material that's good                               
To tailor a "klomp" for your foot,                          
That's less likely to split                                 
And handmade for good fit,                                  
Is knot free and dry willow wood.                           
                                                            
16384 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchalin       



Though custom-made will cost you more,                      
Never buy these "klompen" at the store.                     
They are made for tourists                                  
But the locals and purists                                  
Reject them -- your feet soon get sore.                     
                                                            
16385 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchalin       



What prices do "klompen" command?                           
Much higher when they're made by hand?                      
Or higher depending                                         
On steaming and bending                                     
And fitting with belts and a band.                          
                                                            
16386 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchalin       



What is it that costs people more,                          
The markups when sold at the store,                         
Or lifespans that last                                      
Or things solid brass,                                      
Or salesmen you meet at the door?                           
                                                            
16387 CLOTHES - FEET                 Matthew Montchalin       



An authoress, living at Trim,                               
Possessed a remarkable whim.                                
She wore a large bonnet                                     
When writing a sonnet;                                      
A helmet when writing a hymn.                               
                                                            
16388 CLOTHES - HATS                 Expolosion of Lims  P0104



How funny she'd look with your hat                          
Hanging down from her titties like that!                    
A fez or beret                                              
Might not get in the way,                                   
But a fedora would cover her mat.                           
                                                            
16389 CLOTHES - HATS                                          



A writer named Barbara Pym                                  
Indulged in a personal whim:                                
She'd wear a large bonnet                                   
When writing a sonnet                                       
And a helmet when writing a hymn.                           
                                                            
16390 CLOTHES - HATS                 Linda Marsh Coll         



In Germany a girl name of King,                             
Who was grown up and taking a fling,                        
She wanted a chance                                         
At a great romance                                          
But hated wearing the same dirndl thing.                    
                                                            
16391 CLOTHES - HATS                 Tom Patton          P0206



"Husband Abdul won't take off his fez.                      
(At least, that is what Abdul says.)                        
But this asinine headgear                                   
'S not my kind of bed-gear,                                 
So, Your Honor, that's why I'm a Lez!"                      
                                                            
16392 CLOTHES - HATS                 Robin K. Willoughby P8407



One night when a sheikh from the East                       
Met the Bey of Rabat for a feast,                           
He said, "It's a shame                                      
That I don't know your name,                                
But the fez is familiar at least."                          
                                                            
16393 CLOTHES - HATS                 A. N. Wilkins       P8407



There once was a gay caballero                              
Who was losing his loot playing faro.                       
He vowed he would eat                                       
His hat, were he beat --                                    
Have you ever tried french-fried sombrero?                  
                                                            
16394 CLOTHES - HATS                 Dean Walley         P9007



If you've studied the old diplomats                         
And also the aristocrats,                                   
The exceptions are few,                                     
It is bound to be true,                                     
The virtuous wear the white hats.                           
                                                            
16395 CLOTHES - HATS                 VOL 11                   



There was an old person of Fratton,                         
Who would go to church with his hat on.                     
"When I wake up", he said,                                  
"With my hat on my head,                                    
I shall know that it hasn't been sat on."                   
                                                            
16396 CLOTHES - HATS                 Anon                     



There once was a greasy sombrero                            
On top of a fat caballero.                                  
It emitted a reek                                           
From its brim to its peak,                                  
That would leave a skunk gasping for air-o!                 
                                                            
16397 CLOTHES - HATS                 P. K. Harvey             



An eager old eunuch from Durban                             
Kept all of his goods in a turban,                          
Including his dick,                                         
Where it played him a trick,                                
When his spirits got high on some burbon.                   
                                                            
16398 CLOTHES - HATS                 Carl Ludvig         P0207



"I dreamt I walked down the street at                       
High noon wearing nothing," said Pat,                       
"Except a chapeau.                                          
What embarrassed me so                                      
Was that it was last season's hat."                         
                                                            
16399 CLOTHES - HATS                 A. N. Wilkins       P8312



A friend looked like a jerk in                              
His yarmulka made of a merkin.                              
He said, "I don't care,                                     
I like pubic hair,                                          
And it's fine to wear to work in!"                          
                                                            
16400 CLOTHES - HATS                 Domin8r                  



There once was a woman so natty,                            
Who loved to drive people quite batty.                      
She would walk in the wind                                  
And lose her hat pin.                                       
You guessed it, her name was Miss Hattie!                   
                                                            
16401 CLOTHES - HATS                 Mary Anne Lizzi     P9302



The Muslims who dwell in Suez                               
Wear hats that were fashioned in Fez.                       
I doubt that you care                                       
What headress they wear,                                    
But that's what my lexicon says.                            
                                                            
16402 CLOTHES - HATS                 R. J. Winkler       P8407



There once was a man of small size                          
Whose hat came down over his eyes.                          
Said he, "So who cares                                      
If I bump into chairs?                                      
The hat make a perfect disguise!"                           
                                                            
16403 CLOTHES - HATS                 Norman Storer       P0401



There was a Young Person in red,                            
Who carefully covered her head,                             
With a bonnet of leather,                                   
And three lines of feather,                                 
Besides some long ribbons of lead.                          
                                                            
16404 CLOTHES - HATS                                          



There was a young lad name of Nat,                          
Who upon his head put a hat.                                
It had many rubber jinglers,                                
And glow-in-the-dark fingers.                               
He got it at the Pink Pussycat.                             
                                                            
16405 CLOTHES - HATS                                          



A cocksman, retired from St. Pauls,                         
Now claims that the best screw of all                       
Doesn't wear a brassiere                                    
And blow in his ear--                                       
It's for hanging his hat on the wall.                       
                                                            
16406 CLOTHES - HATS                 Norm Storer         P9508



There was a young fellow named Matt,                        
Who said he'd not be seen in a hat.                         
He came back from Timor,                                    
His head covered in straw;                                  
His friends looked quite amazed.  What is that?             
                                                            
16407 CLOTHES - HATS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady of Wales,                            
Who wore her hair back in two tails,                        
And the hat on her head,                                    
That was striped black and red,                             
Was studded with ten-penny nails.                           
                                                            
16408 CLOTHES - HATS                                          



There was a young lady of Durban                            
Who insisted on wearing a turban.                           
When asked why she wore it,                                 
She said, "I adore it;                                      
I'm weary of fashions suburban."                            
                                                            
16409 CLOTHES - HATS                                          



In Texas, the men wear a hat,                               
So big, it is fatter than fat.                              
To make the thing fit,                                      
They must fill it with shit,                                
And in Texas, the men do just that!                         
                                                            
16410 CLOTHES - HATS                 Dave Canfield            



There was a lass named Charlene                             
Who met with a Scotsman in Aberdeen.                        
Feeling no guilt                                            
She looked under his kilt,                                  
And was amazed at what could be seen!                       
                                                            
16411 CLOTHES - KILTS                Bridget W. Curran        



Proudly to her he did show                                  
Bagpipes where his willy should go.                         
But she fainted dead away                                   
When she heard him say,                                     
"Will ye no gi' it a wee blow?"                             
                                                            
16412 CLOTHES - KILTS                Bridget W. Curran        



I'm packing my kilt and my sporran                          
And flying to cities quite foreign.                         
Been gargling so                                            
That my accent won't show,                                  
For it helps with the r's in g'morrrrrrn.                   
                                                            
16413 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



I'm packing my dirk and my sabre                            
And saying farewell to my neighbor,                         
Sweet Katie's young mater.                                  
I'll miss her, but later                                    
I'll phone her while tossing my caber.                      
                                                            
16414 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



There was a young blade from near Youghal,                  
Who found he had only one ball.                             
Obsessed by his wants,                                      
He discarded his pants.                                     
With kilts he is now loved by all.                          
                                                            
16415 CLOTHES - KILTS                Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young laddie whose kilt                         
Had a strange sort of angular tilt.                         
For beneath it he kept                                      
A large ferret which slept                                  
In a nest he had specially built...                         
                                                            
16416 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



...By using his thick pubic hair,                           
Which he knitted with infinite care,                        
So his ferrety pet                                          
Could keep out of the wet                                   
And the rain and the sleet around Ayr.                      
                                                            
16417 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



Once he hid a mongoose by mistake.                          
Not enough care did the poor kid take.                      
The new pet left his nook                                   
As you guess he mistook                                     
The young laddie's pole for a snake.                        
                                                            
16418 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



Even I won't keep cats in my kilt;                          
Though the jockstrap has never been built                   
To protect from that kind;                                  
I don't mind if I find                                      
A vixen or two 'neath my quilt.                             
                                                            
16419 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



Id say that there isn't much chance                         
Of me losing the means of romance.                          
It don't take much brains                                   
To know one should take pains                               
To keep animals out of ones pants.                          
                                                            
16420 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



'Neath the kilts of the Winnipeg Pipers,                    
They wear, I suspect, furry diapers,                        
'Cause at twenty below                                      
They need something, you know,                              
To keep off the frost from Old Priapus.                     
                                                            
16421 CLOTHES - KILTS                Hugh Oliver           79b



No bagpipes, I hope, for their skirl                        
Makes even my testicles curl.                               
If so I'll go bare                                          
'Neath the kilt I shall wear,                               
Should they need an emergency twirl.                        
                                                            
16422 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



There once was a Scotsman, well built.                      
His skirt was an old worn-out quilt.                        
But a hole in the middle                                    
Solved the big riddle;                                      
The Scots are bare-ass 'neath their kilt!                   
                                                            
16423 CLOTHES - KILTS                Laurence Craft           



(For this one I'm gonna feel guilty.)                       
It depends upon how one is built, Re:                       
The large require skirts,                                   
While a kilt is for squirts,                                
And I'd rather you'd skirt me than kilt me.                 
                                                            
16424 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



A hard-on that wilts?  Oh no please!                        
I'm begging you, down on my knees.                          
Please take off the kilt                                    
'Tis for boxers you're built                                
For I just think that they take the cheese!                 
                                                            
16425 CLOTHES - KILTS                Jim Weaver Collection    



It's boxers you think take the cheese?                      
Some guys in jockeys will please                            
The gals who do look,                                       
But boxers I took,                                          
To let my "boys" swing in the breeze.                       
                                                            
16426 CLOTHES - KILTS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Two things about wearing a kilt:                            
It's definitely handily built                               
For fucking a lass,                                         
But a breeze up the ass                                     
Makes a hardon rapidly wilt.                                
                                                            
16427 CLOTHES - KILTS                Mr Malo                  



I once met a Scotsman named Milt                            
And asked what was under his kilt.                          
Upon  lifting  his  skirt,                                  
Found a budgie named Bert                                   
Who was stuffing his pecker with millet.                    
                                                            
16428 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



The thing about wearing a kilt,                             
It tends to reveal how you're built.                        
If she brushes her arm                                      
Across the alarm,                                           
The sporran lights up and says "Tilt!"                      
                                                            
16429 CLOTHES - KILTS                Bill Wall                



A Scot I knew was named MacGraber,                          
Beneath his kilt wielded a caber,                           
Supported by stones                                         
Which would fair break your bones.                          
This affair was much more like hard labor.                  
                                                            
16430 CLOTHES - KILTS                Annie Jay                



In July I ordered the kilt.                                 
'Twould be sixty days 'fore 'twas built.                    
Now it's been half a year,                                  
And it still isn't here.                                    
The shopkeeper's feeling no guilt!                          
                                                            
16431 CLOTHES - KILTS                Liam na Beag             



Now is that a skirt or a kilt?                              
Depends on just how they are built.                         
A blanket with pleats                                       
Lets check out the treats;                                  
Peek under without any guilt.                               
                                                            
16432 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



In the summer, the caber he hurled,                         
And in the winter he curled,                                
When his knobby knees                                       
Often would freeze,                                         
As around him his Campbell kilt swirled.                    
                                                            
16433 CLOTHES - KILTS                Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



The lass asked the Scotsman in ardor,                       
What's worn 'neath your kilts, I wonder?                    
Not to be caught,                                           
The Scotsman said, "Aught,                                  
It's aw' in fine working order!                             
                                                            
16434 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



A Scotsman out pushing his mower                            
Was arrested and told to mow slower.                        
The kilt, if you please,                                    
Nicely hangs to your knees.                                 
But your foreskin? It hangs even lower.                     
                                                            
16435 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



It's lucky the kilt that he chose                           
Would expose just the tip of his hose.                      
He has others, of course,                                   
That have oft caused divorce:                               
So short that his whole quelque shows!                      
                                                            
16436 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



There was a young draper named Chad                         
Whose family is very well clad.                             
At church, work, and play,                                  
They're a walking display,                                  
In their Chadean family plaid!                              
                                                            
16437 CLOTHES - KILTS                Arthur Pattaffy          



A drunken Scot fresh from Glasgow                           
Was asked if he wore aught below.                           
With a tilt of his kilt                                     
He replied, "If tha wilt,                                   
Tha may'st feel for thysel'; then thou'llt know!"           
                                                            
16438 CLOTHES - KILTS                                    G2351



The boss said, "On Sunday you'll go                         
Up to Edinburgh (Scotland you know)                         
In the company kilt."                                       
I'm afraid I might wilt                                     
And start suffering frost-bite below.                       
                                                            
16439 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



Oh sure, you may snigger and scoff                          
But I fear that my balls will drop off;                     
Then my peter will shrink                                   
And turn blacker than ink                                   
And I'll never again have a boff.                           
                                                            
16440 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



I'm thinkin' a mitten or muff                               
Will keep you from shrinkin' your stuff                     
Is there's no volunteer                                     
In the group we have here,                                  
Who will lend you the scruff of her puff?                   
                                                            
16441 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



I hope so! I'm sitting here thinkin'                        
Of hot little snatches for sinkin'                          
My willy when chilly                                        
And hope there's a filly                                    
Who'll keep my old pecker from shrinkin'.                   
                                                            
16442 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



So it's off to you to forreign lands                        
Wherre therre's Bo-Beeps galorre at yourr hands.            
Where the Haggis doeth fly                                  
And the lassies say "aye",                                  
When they want you to get in theirr pants.                  
                                                            
16443 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



A typical Scot named McMorran                               
Kept haggis and 'neeps in his sporran,                      
Shortbread up his kilt,                                     
Tartan Socks show the hilt                                  
Of a skean dhu; nothing was foreign.                        
('neeps - turnips)                                          
16444 CLOTHES - KILTS                Tony Davie          P9612



Queen Mary found Scotsmen are built                         
With a truly remarkable tilt.                               
To her royal surprise,                                      
Every member would rise                                     
Every time she reached under a kilt.                        
                                                            
16445 CLOTHES - KILTS                                    G0273



There was a young Scotsman named Jock,                      
Who thought that he know how to rock.                       
As he twisted with flair,                                   
His kilt flew in the air,                                   
And the girls all passed out with the shock!                
                                                            
16446 CLOTHES - KILTS                Helen Dowd               



A curious young lady named Pam                              
Stopped a Scotsman and said to him, "Sam,                   
Anything worn 'neath that skirt?"                           
But the Scot did assert,                                    
"It's as good as it ever was, ma'am."                       
                                                            
16447 CLOTHES - KILTS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2218



A kilt makes a Scotsman a Scot!                             
It lets him show off all he's got.                          
Don't throw it away                                         
In a casual way,                                            
Because a Scotsman has got quite a lot.                     
                                                            
16448 CLOTHES - KILTS                James Murray             



My Scot would make me eat haggis;                           
He chops heart, liver, spleen, and bags this                
In calf gut with suet.                                      
One taste and I spew it.                                    
His caber's not enough to gag us?                           
                                                            
16449 CLOTHES - KILTS                Annie Jay                



An angler who live in Argyll,                               
Tore his kilt as he clambered a stile:                      
You might think he'd choose                                 
At least to wear trews--                                    
But his wife wears a satisfied smile.                       
                                                            
16450 CLOTHES - KILTS                Harold C Bibby           



Like charmers of snakes in Bombay,                          
In Scotland the bagpipers play.                             
Hypnotic their lilts                                        
And so they wear kilts                                      
So they'll have enough room to sway.                        
                                                            
16451 CLOTHES - KILTS                Irving Superior     P8802



Said a lassie, whose name was McBissel,                     
To her laddie, "Now sit by this thistle".                   
"I was ne'er built                                          
To sit down in a kilt!                                      
So I'll just stand a wee while and whistle".                
                                                            
16452 CLOTHES - KILTS                                    P9005



The Scots had it right all along --                         
And Islanders in a sarong.                                  
So if you convert,                                          
Then under your skirt,                                      
Perhaps you could just wear a thong.                        
                                                            
16453 CLOTHES - KILTS                Marlene                  



There was a young woman from Wilts,                         
Who went up to Scotland on stilts.                          
When they said, "Oh, how shocking                           
To show so much stocking!"                                  
She answered, "Well, how about kilts?"                      
                                                            
16454 CLOTHES - KILTS                                    L1596



There was an old crofter named Jock,                        
Whose Kilt was the length of a frock.                       
Had said it was long                                        
To cover his dong,                                          
And save on the wear of a sock.                             
                                                            
16455 CLOTHES - KILTS                SFA                      



There once was an old maid from Dubling,                    
Who went on a mad highland fling.                           
Her life which was spartan                                  
Is now much more tartan                                     
And everything goes with a swing.                           
                                                            
16456 CLOTHES - KILTS                Funfax Limericks         



There was a young man from Abroath,                         
Who was constantly plighting his troth.                     
To girls local and foreign,                                 
He's lift up his sporran,                                   
Then hang upside down like a sloth.                         
                                                            
16457 CLOTHES - KILTS                Bill Wall                



There was an old man from Cape Verde                        
Who had formerly been a Scot laird.                         
But dressed to the hilt                                     
In an old plaid kilt,                                       
On the island looked simply absurd.                         
                                                            
16458 CLOTHES - KILTS                Harry Rubin         P9212



There was a young lady in Hilt                              
With nothing worn under her kilt.                           
When breezes did fly                                        
And push fabrics awry,                                      
You saw a magnificent pelt!                                 
                                                            
16459 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



A Jock from the town of Dundee                              
Wore his kilt rather high from the knee;                    
Of course you'll conclude,                                  
It was frightfully rude,                                    
But his mother still dresses him -- see?                    
                                                            
16460 CLOTHES - KILTS                Langford Reed       P9702



Now please don't go taking offense;                         
Sometimes I get too intense.                                
When talking of wilt                                        
In a good Scottish kilt,                                    
It can be a touchy reference.                               
                                                            
16461 CLOTHES - KILTS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow named Derek from Essex                             
Wasn't inclined to be bi-sex.                               
So the tilt of his kilt                                     
Oft tended to wilt                                          
When approached by a member of his sex.                     
                                                            
16462 CLOTHES - KILTS                Kevin's Limerick Page    



A tipsy old Scotsman, MacGregor,                            
Got so pissed one night at a kegger,                        
He drank til he dropped                                     
And up his kilt popped,                                     
Revealing his unclothed third-legger.                       
                                                            
16463 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



There was an old Scot named Mac Dilts                       
Who never slept underneath quilts.                          
He was rugged and bold                                      
And a sight to behold.                                      
He wore nothing at all 'neath his kilts.                    
                                                            
16464 CLOTHES - KILTS                Albin Chaplin            



There a Texan of Scottish descent,                          
Who has a peculiar bent.                                    
A sheltie's his steed.                                      
Getting on's quite a deed,                                  
With his kilt, and gals prying intent.                      
                                                            
16465 CLOTHES - KILTS                Frank Spectre            



I've just met a braw Scottish-Texan;                        
He wears spurs and a kilt and a Stetson.                    
He eats haggis with steak;                                  
Downs a whiskey-milkshake;                                  
On his horse, the girls watch as he gets on.                
                                                            
16466 CLOTHES - KILTS                Tony Davie               



There once was a man wearing kilts                          
Who had not an iota of guilt.                               
Men called him obscene                                      
And matrons turned green,                                   
But he wouldn't get down off his stilts.                    
                                                            
16467 CLOTHES - KILTS                Douglas Airmet           



A one-legged man in a kilt                                  
Had a special appliance built.                              
In old Aberdeen,                                            
He now can be seen                                          
On a crutch and a tall wooden stilt.                        
                                                            
16468 CLOTHES - KILTS                Limerick John            



A marvelous race are the Jocks                              
Who run whooping through glens in check frocks.             
For they say, "Wearing breeks                               
Makes it harder for leaks                                   
And the philibeg leaves us free cocks."                     
(philibeg - like a short sari for highlanders)              
16469 CLOTHES - KILTS                Tony Davie          P9602



A whiskey-soaked piper from Wemyss                          
Had erotic but troublesome dreams,                          
Of heliotrope pipes                                         
With broad tangerine stripes,                               
Trimmed with fetching black lace down the seams.            
                                                            
16470 CLOTHES - KILTS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A fastidious dandy from Milton                              
Would complain that his trousers got spilt on.              
"Well in future," she said,                                 
"When you leap into bed,                                    
I suggest that you come with a kilt on."                    
                                                            
16471 CLOTHES - KILTS                Hugh Oliver         A102B



A quite pretty young Scottish lassie,                       
Was slender and bold and quite sassy.                       
She hitched up men's kilts,                                 
Then crawled under their quilts,                            
And seduced them with her classy chassis.                   
                                                            
16472 CLOTHES - KILTS                Anon                     



A young Scottish soldier named Rex,                         
Abstains with great zeal from all sex.                      
He is such a Spartan,                                       
Because of his tartan;                                      
He suffers from a kilt complex.                             
                                                            
16473 CLOTHES - KILTS                Playboy Book Lim    P9706



Pay heed to a Scotsman named Sandy,                         
Who was incomprehensibly randy.                             
The fluid he spilt                                          
All over his kilt                                           
Wasn't beer, wasn't Scotch, wasn't shandy.                  
                                                            
16474 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



A Scotsman residing in Warren                               
Would wear on his kilt his proud sporran;                   
Passersby would ask, "Sir,                                  
Could that be ballock fur,                                  
Or do you just want to seem foreign?"                       
                                                            
16475 CLOTHES - KILTS                Armand E Singer       553



A laddie from Scotland, MacWarren,                          
Was proud to be wearing his sporran;                        
Not quite a disguise,                                       
Its outlandish size                                         
Did make him appear a tad foreign.                          
                                                            
16476 CLOTHES - KILTS                Armand E Singer      553A



Do Scotsmen wear kilts for the whistle                      
Of wind round their bollocks and gristle?                   
Or is it the thrill,                                        
When they are climbing a hill,                              
Of the sharp scratchy tickle of thistle.                    
                                                            
16477 CLOTHES - KILTS                Peter Wilkins            



The common or corn sow thistle?                             
For that you can just go and whistle.                       
Thistles have prickles                                      
That do much more than tickles                              
And damage an eager young pistle!                           
                                                            
16478 CLOTHES - KILTS                Peter Wilkins            



As the lassie he banged on her quilt,                       
Jock said with a fine Scottish lilt,                        
"There is a great meter                                     
For the state of my peter.                                  
Ya measure the tilt of ma kilt."                            
                                                            
16479 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



There once was a fellow called Milt,                        
Who said to a Scot named MacCrilt,                          
"I can see at a glance                                      
You've no underpants.                                       
I can tell by the tilt of your kilt."                       
                                                            
16480 CLOTHES - KILTS                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



They tell me a Scotsman is strong                           
And to date one canna be wrong.                             
But much blood is spilt                                     
When he lifts his kilt,                                     
'Cause he sharpens the tip of his dong!                     
                                                            
16481 CLOTHES - KILTS                Jules                    



The northernly blizzard from Fife                           
Caused terrible trouble and strife,                         
As keenly it tore                                           
Up the kilt that I wore,                                    
Like the blade of a surgical knife.                         
                                                            
16482 CLOTHES - KILTS                Peter Wilkins            



I wore to the party a kilt                                  
And some briefs to disguise any tilt                        
That could maybe arise,                                     
If it happened my eyes                                      
Came to rest on a girlie well-built.                        
                                                            
16483 CLOTHES - KILTS                Peter Wilkins            



But the party turned out a real drag:                       
There was only one half-decent hag,                         
Who though nicely built,                                    
Caused no tilt to my kilt,                                  
For her pug-ugly face made me gag.                          
                                                            
16484 CLOTHES - KILTS                Peter Wilkins            



I'll send you a pic of my kilt                              
And you'll notice the tenting and tilt,                     
My voluptuous lass,                                         
At the thought of your ass                                  
With my dick buried up to the hilt.                         
                                                            
16485 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



As she lifted his kilt he got flustered;                    
As she opened the jar of hot mustard,                       
On his dick, it was spread.                                 
"Bloody hell, girl," he said,                               
"I really prefer tartan custard."                           
                                                            
16486 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



There was a young Scotsman named Andy,                      
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.                      
He lifted his kilt                                          
To wipe up what he spilt,                                   
And the barmaid said, "Blimey! that's handy!"               
                                                            
16487 CLOTHES - KILTS                                         



In Scotland north of the border,                            
Where minds are so very much broader,                       
They wish to inform:                                        
Under kilts, nothing's worn,                                
And it's all in perfect working order.                      
                                                            
16488 CLOTHES - KILTS                Tony Burrell             



Cold drafts can make Scots get sick,                        
When kilts and not pants they do pick.                      
Surely you blunder                                          
By asking what's under,                                     
And learning it's your wife's lipstick.                     
                                                            
16489 CLOTHES - KILTS                James Murray             



There was an old girl of Newcastle,                         
Who wore a great tassel or tarsel;                          
It made her so proud                                        
That folks said, out loud,                                  
Her tassel wouldn't make a small parcel."                   
                                                            
16490 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR                                     



"On a date", said a fellow named Fretter,                   
"I may dress in a coat and a sweater,                       
And a scarf with a flare                                    
But gloves I won't wear,                                    
For without them I feel a lot better."                      
                                                            
16491 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Albin Chaplin            



There was a young laddie named Burton                       
Who in summer, would not put a shirt on.                    
In sunshine, or cold rain,                                  
He would suffer the pain,                                   
While meandering with his mum's skirt on!.                  
                                                            
16492 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Arthur Pattaffy          



She gushed, "Your new garb is much better.                  
I must feel your fine threads." So he let her.              
Then she fondled Lord Cardigan                              
Till his charger got hard again,                            
And he opened much more than his sweater.                   
                                                            
16493 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            David Finely        P9704



Said Gert, "You disgusting old chap, Jack!                  
Whatever you have in that gap, Jack,                        
Is far from appealing                                       
And not worth the feeling,                                  
So button your trouser-front flap, Jack.                    
                                                            
16494 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Peter Wilkins            



"Oh do hang it UP!" Mum will roar                           
As I drop my old coat on the floor.                         
So I try, but I frown,                                      
For it always hangs DOWN                                    
When it's put on the hook on the door.                      
                                                            
16495 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Funfax Limericks         



Genealogist, J Random Oates,                                
While researching the Tailors from Stoats,                  
Discovered their charms                                     
Lay not in their Arms,                                      
But are found in the arms of their coats.                   
                                                            
16496 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



An important young man of Quebec,                           
Had to welcome the Duchess of Teck.                         
So he bought for a dollar                                   
A very high collar,                                         
To save himself washing his neck.                           
                                                            
16497 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            J H Pitman               



A goose-pimpled fellow named Farkas                         
Would always wear heavy fur parkas;                         
His great fear, so he said,                                 
Was to die out of bed,                                      
Both balls frozen hard on his carcass.                      
                                                            
16498 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Armand E Singer       994



The fellow that live on West Nichols,                       
Are forever scratching their testicles,                     
For a tailor at Wallachs                                    
Likes to fit young men's bollocks                           
Into trousers so tight that the "dress" tickles.            
                                                            
16499 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR                                G2743



Now, when you go out on a binge, Les,                       
I'm sure that the fellows would cringe less                 
If your Brooks Brothers suit                                
Were a little less cute--                                   
You know, less lace, dear, and fingeless.                   
                                                            
16500 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR                                G2676



Two high wire walkers named Groat                           
Took a tumble, the newspapers note.                         
Though HE died in the fall                                  
SHE was not hurt at all,                                    
For she had on her light fall coat.                         
                                                            
16501 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Bob Giandomenico    P8712



In South Wales where the turf runs to boggy,                
Lived a wise wizened fellow, Sean Cloggy.                   
When it rained, he would tog                                
Up in his London Fog,                                       
Since it's better to be safe than soggy.                    
                                                            
16502 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



While lying there flat on her back,                         
As I hammered away at her crack,                            
She said, "Boy, you're so good,                             
But I'm wondering - would                                   
You remove that ridiculous mac?"                            
(macintosh - a heavy woolen coat)                           
16503 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Peter Wilkins            



I continued to hammer away,                                 
And said, "Woman, I told you today;                         
When I'm through with your muff,                            
I'll shoot fountains of stuff                               
And the mac is protection from spray."                      
                                                            
16504 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Peter Wilkins            



The miniskirt worn by Miss Kress                            
Is the world's shortest mini, I guess.                      
She sat down once in school                                 
On a fresh-painted stool,                                   
Yet got up with no paint on her dress.                      
                                                            
16505 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



There once was an old man of Brest,                         
Who was always funnily dressed;                             
Who wore gloves on his nose,                                
And a hat on his toes,                                      
And a boot in the middle of his chest.                      
                                                            
16506 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            C. Monkhouse             



Said a gentle old man, "I suppose                           
I ought not to wear my best clothes.                        
But what can I do?                                          
I only have two,                                            
And these are no better than those."                        
                                                            
16507 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR                                     



There once was a teacher named Jean;                        
To her first period class, she was mean.                    
Her egg hadn't hatched --                                   
Her clothes never matched --                                
Who else would wear orange and green.                       
                                                            
16508 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Da Brat                  



Should Sweet Alice invite you to dine,                      
Or Dorothy her ruby slippers to shine,                      
Politely decline!                                           
Remember, Einstein,                                         
Girls in pinafores aren't always benign.                    
                                                            
16509 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Lynn Mostafa             



There was a young lady of Nantes,                           
Who lived with a miserly aunt.                              
When asked to a ball,                                       
Said, "I've no clothes at all.                              
I must borrow the plumes of my tante."                      
                                                            
16510 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            S. Littman          G0409



A pensioner from down in Galveston                          
Once answered the door with her vest on.                    
Her caller, the Rector,                                     
Said, "Dear Mrs Nector,                                     
For goodness sake, please put the rest on."                 
                                                            
16511 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Anon                     



Said a gaily-garbed guy, "It appears                        
My attire is causing loud jeers,                            
Ever since, in pursuit                                      
Of a seersucker suit                                        
At Cox's, I wound up at Sears."                             
(Wilkins Rule - A limerick is not improved by explaining it)
16512 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Bob Giandomenico    P9411



"Your shorts are too short!" yelled Miss Dees.              
"But why?" I replied.  "Tell me, please."                   
She answered with shock,                                    
"Because your huge cock                                     
Is visible well past your knees."                           
                                                            
16513 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Travis Brasell           



But your shorts aren't short enough, lass;                  
I can't see the cheeks of your ass,                         
Or stray pubic hair,                                        
Enticing me there.                                          
You'd best take them off, or I'll pass.                     
                                                            
16514 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a beauty of note                             
Who went nude in her home just to gloat.                    
But when she went out                                       
Around and about,                                           
She would put on her shoulder-length coat.                  
                                                            
16515 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Don Moore           P9703



A man once decided to test                                  
The shrinkage of his woolen vest.                           
It was washed in hot water                                  
And it shouldn't oughter--                                  
That's why it's halfway up his chest.                       
                                                            
16516 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Spike Mulligan           



She strode like a graceful giraffe;                         
Her long skirt had a slit up one half.                      
Every step that she took                                    
Attracted a look,                                           
From the boys as she showed off her calf.                   
                                                            
16517 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Friar              TP9804



The next day she wore a hem high,                           
And the boys, they could all see her thigh.                 
It was not too concealing;                                  
Extremely revealing.                                        
They ogled and let out a sigh.                              
                                                            
16518 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Friar              TP9804



A day later, (now this may seem blunt)                      
Her short skirt had a slit up the front!                    
As she walked through the door,                             
They all ogled galore,                                      
But she had on the skirt, back-to-front.                    
                                                            
16519 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Friar              TP9804



A guy in a Colchester street                                
Gave all of the girlies a treat;                            
He walked in a store                                        
And all that he wore                                        
Was a sock... and that weren't on his feet.                 
                                                            
16520 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Tiddy Ogg                



I doubt if this bloke could be Pete;                        
An ordinary sock wouldn't meet                              
The required dimension                                      
Of his penile extension,                                    
Without causing many a pleat.                               
                                                            
16521 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Tiddy Ogg                



It might have been me, after all,                           
For dammit, I cannot recall,                                
Despite allegations,                                        
My somnabulations,                                          
Unless I wake up in the mall.                               
                                                            
16522 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Peter Wilkins            



But it can't be me, I sleep jockless,                       
And always assuredly sockless;                              
Though visiting China's                                     
More elegant diners,                                        
I rarely, if ever, go wokless.                              
                                                            
16523 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Peter Wilkins            



To a spinster who lived in a shanty                         
Cried her nephew, "Your clothes are so scanty!              
Each year a worse mess!                                     
So I've brought a new dress                                 
To restore the dear status quo auntie."                     
                                                            
16524 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Norm Storer              



I once had an outfit of leather,                            
But I thought that suede was much better.                   
So I bought me a jacket,                                    
But I couldn't hack it,                                     
Because it tickled my tits like a feather.                  
                                                            
16525 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Bobby                    



A salad, they say, was the root                             
Of Adam and Eve's first dispute,                            
For he was unnerved                                         
When the greens that she served                             
Included his best Sunday suit.                              
                                                            
16526 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            A. N. Wilkins       P8312



My girlfriend had put on my sweater,                        
The one with my big high school letter.                     
It then seemed to me                                        
And I'm sure you'll agree,                                  
On her it looked quite a bit better.                        
                                                            
16527 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Dr Limerick              



I'm selling t-shirts on the net,                            
With any design you can get.                                
From XL, down to small,                                     
I've shirts to fit you all;                                 
Buy some, if you've not done so yet.                        
                                                            
16528 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR                                     



Ties are silly as heck,                                     
And will never be found 'round my neck.                     
For despite corporate backing,                              
Their utility's lacking,                                    
Leastwise the last time I checked...                        
                                                            
16529 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Allen Robel              



An explorer by named Simon Fraser,                          
Consulted his clothing appraiser.                           
"I need something chic,                                     
For fording a creek.                                        
Here, let me try on this trail blazer."                     
                                                            
16530 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            OgniGioia                



A stylish young chap from Pusan                             
Took a stroll with umbrella and fan.                        
New Yorkers, I fear,                                        
Would think he was queer,                                   
But Koreans would call him a man.                           
                                                            
16531 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            James Wade          P8303



Said a charming young fellow named Steve                    
(As he wiped off his dick on his sleeve)                    
"I suppose there are those                                  
Wipe their nose on their clothes;                           
But they lack the finesse I achieve!"                       
                                                            
16532 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR                                     



There once was a wise man named Marvin,                     
Whose hobby was sulptin' and carvin'.                       
He sold wooden bow ties,                                    
Which was really quite wise.                                
It kept carvin' Marvin from starvin'.                       
                                                            
16533 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Anon                     



There once was a curious guy                                
Adorned with a wooden bow tie.                              
And wherever he went,                                       
They said, "He's a gent,                                    
Who pines to be knotty, oh my!                              
                                                            
16534 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Bruce Burchated          



Since I rarely wear a coat, I                               
Invariably do not wear a tie.                               
But were I to wear one,                                     
Not because I'm your son,                                   
It would for sure be a wooden bow tie.                      
                                                            
16535 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Jim Beloff               



A Maine man wore wooden bow ties;                           
He dead now; they caused his demise.                        
When his pipe he lighted,                                   
His bow tie ignited                                         
And fried his hide from chin to eyes.                       
                                                            
16536 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Anon                     



Mary Beloff makes ties in a bow                             
And with wood there is no need to sew.                      
Done with chisel and mallet                                 
And a small bit of talent,                                  
So no woe bestows to this pro.                              
                                                            
16537 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Anon                     



Get a tie you can wear with aplomb,                         
If of bow ties you have not a qualm.                        
They're made of light wood,                                 
And look pretty good;                                       
Made to order at woodbowties.com                            
                                                            
16538 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            S Smith                  



On Beseck Lake, Marvin went boating,                        
Attired in best shirt and coating.                          
When his trusty boat sank,                                  
Marv's mind became blank,                                   
But his wooden bow tie kept him floating.                   
                                                            
16539 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Mark Hamilton            



Arlette, wearing a large woolly jumper,                     
It made her look larger and plumper.                        
She emphasized certain parts;                               
She looked like a queen of tarts.                           
I thought she was wearing a bumper.                         
                                                            
16540 CLOTHES - OUTERWEAR            Arthur Pattaffy          



Mother said, "Don't take a chance.                          
Always wear nice underpants."                               
Then if I got                                               
Hurt I would not                                            
Be embarrassed in the ambulance.                            
                                                            
16541 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Karen                    



I own only one pair of panties;                             
I save them for emergencies.                                
If I'm a survivor,                                          
I will ask the driver,                                      
"Will you stop for my panties first, please?"               
                                                            
16542 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Karen                    



A once-famous gatherer of leeches,                          
Has taken to combing the beaches,                           
Where he helps all the aunties                              
On and off with their panties,                              
And they help him off with his breeches.                    
                                                            
16543 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                  L1463



There was an old woman of Wales                             
Who loved those north-easterly gales.                       
When the wind was just right,                               
She stood in the bight,                                     
Till her bloomers they billowed like sails.                 
                                                            
16544 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Marlene McCarty          



Believe, if you must, urban rumors,                         
That only the ladies wear bloomers.                         
Be they jockeys or scanties,                                
Or shorts or lace panties,                                  
They're all much the same to consumers.                     
                                                            
16545 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



Dear Butler:  My panties are cotton;                        
Don't see how you could have forgotten                      
That silk's not my style.                                   
I find rayon vile,                                          
And think nylon panties are rotten.                         
                                                            
16546 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



Perfectionist Butler's, you know,                           
Remember guest's preferences, so                            
They come away pleased                                      
And later are seized                                        
By great need to visit once mo'.                            
                                                            
16547 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



To see you remember this time,                              
I'll give you reminders sublime:                            
Some nice cheesecloth panties                               
And whisper-thin scanties,                                  
Then I'll tip you more than a dime.                         
                                                            
16548 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



Whenever I wear winklepickers,                              
The footsteps behind are the vicars.                        
It's the backs of my shoes                                  
He likes to peruse,                                         
Or perhaps it's the cut of my knickers.                     
                                                            
16549 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Bill Wall                



The work I am doing these days                              
Here at home isn't finished; no ways.                       
For I frequently lose                                       
Concentration and muse                                      
On the pleasures of panty forays.                           
                                                            
16550 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



I fear there's a glaze in my eyes                           
As I conjour up visions of thighs.                          
There in front of my face                                   
Those sweet panties of lace,                                
Barely cover the ultimate prize.                            
                                                            
16551 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



My fingers are itching to slide                             
'Neath the fabric or pull it aside;                         
Press my face to her ... groan,                             
It's the boss on the phone!                                 
"Have you finished yet?"  "Nearly", I lied.                 
                                                            
16552 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



The new women's styles are first-class,                     
For revealing the shapely young lass.                       
But though better to view her,                              
It's tougher to screw her,                                  
With her stockings up over her ass.                         
                                                            
16553 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                  G0549



You know that I frequently wear                             
Your adorable panties. The pair                             
That I have on today,                                       
Well, they're starting to fray                              
And I don't have a pair that are spare.                     
                                                            
16554 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



So will you, my love, lend me more                          
Of your panties; the red I adore.                           
To ensure a good fit                                        
Will you kindly permit                                      
Me to search through your underwear drawer?                 
                                                            
16555 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll start here with drawer number one.                     
Ooh, I say, these are silky and fun;                        
But although they look fetch-                               
ing I need them to stretch                                  
To prevent them from coming undone.                         
                                                            
16556 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Dear Petal, I don't need a clue                             
To the contents of drawer number two.                       
It's apparent to me                                         
That they're edible, E;                                     
Put them on and I'll give them a chew.                      
                                                            
16557 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



But what have we here in drawer three?                      
Oh, how wispy and tiny and see-                             
through. Oh, please wear them now;                          
They're delightful; but how                                 
Do you think they would suit me, dear E?                    
                                                            
16558 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



May I see what's in drawer number four?                     
Wow, they're kinky black panties for sure,                  
With their PVC shine                                        
And their crotchless design;                                
But I've not seen you wear them before.                     
                                                            
16559 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



I see that we'll soon be arriving                           
At drawer number five. I am striving                        
To stay in control                                          
Of my stiffening pole.                                      
(The excitement I'm barely surviving.)                      
                                                            
16560 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Now drawer number five has the lot!                         
Oh my god, these are hotter than hot!                       
And they're red and they fit                                
And I have to admit                                         
That I'm ready to shoot on the spot.                        
                                                            
16561 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Remember, I searched through your un-                       
derwear drawers, but before I was done,                     
Something very important                                    
Came up and it shortened                                    
My not inconsiderable fun.                                  
                                                            
16562 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'd got to drawer five, I feel sure,                        
But I noticed last night you have more.                     
When you went back to sleep                                 
I crept out for a peep                                      
In that drawer numbered seventy-four.                       
                                                            
16563 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Well, I spent several hours I confess,                      
With those panties just gently caress-                      
ing and sniffing 'em, dear,                                 
While I fondled my spear;                                   
Now that drawer's in a helluva mess!                        
                                                            
16564 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm sorry, I feel so ashamed;                               
But the feel of those panties inflamed                      
Me and gave me a bone.                                      
Oh, don't leave me alone                                    
For my hollyhock needs to be tamed.                         
                                                            
16565 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



His hankering for girls was unquenchable,                   
Though his old pollywog was insensible.                     
So Angus McGloam                                            
Just lolled around home,                                    
Lustfully fondling some fluffy unmentionable.               
                                                            
16566 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a Chappie called Randy;                         
He kept womens' underclothes handy.                         
They were not for his guests;                               
Frequently he jests.                                        
In a bikini he likes drinking brandy.                       
                                                            
16567 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a shy girl made of plastic                        
Whose figure was really fantastic.                          
But one sunny day                                           
She melted away                                             
Still clutching her knicker's elastic.                      
                                                            
16568 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Funfax Limericks    P9705



A battle-scarred knight named Sir Wade                      
Great courage and strength had displayed.                   
He collected his forces,                                    
Some on foot, some on horses,                               
And embarked on a panty crusade.                            
                                                            
16569 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Al Chaplin 3024     P9812



Hey No and a Hey Nonny No;                                  
Packing bags, once again here I go.                         
Surreptitiously hidin'                                      
These panties to slide in,                                  
At bedtime while dreaming of Flo.                           
                                                            
16570 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



Hey girls, is it true? You admit,                           
If you wriggle around as you sit,                           
That the smaller your pants                                 
Then the greater the chance                                 
Of them getting caught up in your slit?                     
                                                            
16571 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



It sounds like you're conducting polls                      
On how us girls cover our holes.                            
If you ask our lovers                                       
About manhole covers,                                       
Then "scanty" or "sexy" are goals.                          
                                                            
16572 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Joie de Vivre            



I suppose you researched M & S,                             
Where the sizes and shapes can distress;                    
There's such an array                                       
Of pants made today;                                        
In the interests of science, I'll confess.                  
                                                            
16573 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Joie de Vivre            



Though partial to thongs and to G's                         
(Whose style and scantiness please.)                        
Lycra high legs are best                                    
In the comfort test;                                        
No tweaking or tugging, you see!                            
                                                            
16574 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Joie de Vivre            



The M & S shop nearest me                                   
Has positioned the girls' lingerie                          
Near the shirts and the suits                               
And the gentlemen's boots,                                  
So I've studied the merchandise, see.                       
                                                            
16575 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



There's bloomers in cotton (I know,                         
They're not very sexy, but so                               
Very practical, yes?                                        
And you have to confess                                     
That they cover much more than they show.                   
                                                            
16576 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



Apart from the bloomers so fair,                            
I agree with you, M & S wear                                
Isn't all that it's made                                    
Out to be; I'm afraid                                       
That their underwear's lacking in flair.                    
                                                            
16577 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



Now G-strings and thongs I suppose                          
Are okay but they over-expose.                              
I prefer on a wench                                         
Something silky and French,                                 
To send shivers right down to my toes.                      
                                                            
16578 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



That's exactly just why I don't wear 'em;                   
I just go around with my bare bum.                          
Underneath my clothes,                                      
I'm naked, you know;                                        
It's so much more easy to share some.                       
                                                            
16579 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Karen                    



That is true, but a pussy bare                              
Gets quite cold when you sit on a chair,                    
That is made of metal;                                      
Stings like a nettle,                                       
So I covered mine with silky hair.                          
                                                            
16580 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Petunia                  



A pussy with soft silky hair                                
I agree is much better than bare;                           
Fore it makes me go weak                                    
When those curlycues peek                                   
'Round the legs of those panties you wear.                  
                                                            
16581 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



I wear those big cotton bloomers;                           
They're loose for prevention of tumors.                     
The people who claim                                        
That cotton is tame --                                      
They're just running 'round spreading rumors.               
                                                            
16582 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Marty                    



But that's what I mean when I say                           
That huge bloomers are practical, eh?                       
For those knee-tremblers thrilling                          
And oh-so-fulfilling                                        
At any old time of the day.                                 
                                                            
16583 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



Je m'appelle Chantal Desormeaux,                            
I have all my bosoms on show.                               
Ma petite undairwair,                                       
Leaves my soft derriere                                     
Quite free for les touches, yes, no?                        
                                                            
16584 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Chantal                  



Here's where I must now confess                             
To wearing huge bloomers, oh yes.                           
Up my ass they don't ride                                   
And you move them aside                                     
After lifting my skirt or my dress.                         
                                                            
16585 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Arden                    



Those panties of yours are divine                           
At enchanting your derriere fine;                           
And that small patch of wet                                 
At the front of them, Pet,                                  
Sends a shiver the length of my spine.                      
                                                            
16586 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



The Vassar girls cooked up a girdle                         
Of plastic as tough as a turtle.                            
Between these and locked knees,                             
And their B.A. degrees,                                     
It's a wonder the bitches get fertile!                      
                                                            
16587 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                  G1664



A willing young chick named Cervantes                       
Cried, "Sure, you can feel in the panties!                  
I'd of course draw the line                                 
If the panties were mine,                                   
But these aren't my panties... they're Aunty's!"            
                                                            
16588 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Grand Prix Lim  263      



A flying First Lady Named Nancy                             
Changed clothes when it tickled her fancy.                  
"They're especially nice                                    
When I keep them on ice,"                                   
She said, as she thawed out her pantsy.                     
(Nancy wife of Ronald Reagan)                               
16589 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jerry Thomas        P8303



By nineteen and forty, plus deuce,                          
Girls' bloomers were not still in use;                      
Your years must be old,                                     
But with memories of gold;                                  
Well flashed by fresh, tender young cooze!                  
                                                            
16590 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



Coed's panties a young college male                         
In the fifties considered a grail.                          
The guys came in swarms                                     
To the young women's dorms                                  
And stole pants where they couldn't get tail.               
                                                            
16591 CLOTHES - PANTIES              A. N. Wilkins       P8802



He keeps stealing my pantyhose.                             
Why does he want mine, you suppose?                         
He's been robbing banks                                     
And says he give thanks                                     
Because mine don't flatten his nose.                        
                                                            
16592 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Marlene Lewis            



There was a young fellow named Deke                         
Who said, "There is one job I seek.                         
That's to work in the plants                                
That produce ladies pants.                                  
I could pull down two hundred a week."                      
                                                            
16593 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Bob Giandomenico    P8802



My eyes are so deep you will drown,                         
They're a wonderful deep shade of brown.                    
But it's such a lark,                                       
And usually dark,                                           
When I'm with you with panties pulled down.                 
                                                            
16594 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jayne                    



Those knickers so lacy and red                              
Have found themselves over my head.                         
With my stick and aplomb,                                   
She applies hot lip balm,                                   
While she panty-wipes up my cheese spread.                  
                                                            
16595 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Randog                   



Rose's are red. Violet's, blue.                             
White are the panties covering Sue.                         
So when the winds blow                                      
And up the skirts go,                                       
Men passing by will quickly salu---.                        
                                                            
16596 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Irving Superior     P9803



A young student nurse named McFlickers,                     
Was watching the rugby at Twickers.                         
When her team got a try,                                    
She would jump very high,                                   
And the crowd could see all of her knickers.                
                                                            
16597 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Arthur Deex         P9609



I'm old and I'm lonely, but if                              
All you girls sent your panties, I'd sniff.                 
'Cause your hot little snatches                             
Cause little damp patches,                                  
Which makes my old pecker get stiff.                        
                                                            
16598 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



My stars, it's now half-past two;                           
I misread the header, no clue.                              
Thought it said "Damn Patches"                              
So I got out my matches.                                    
Thought Pete wanted a smoke, not twat goo.                  
                                                            
16599 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Cheryl                   



Now I know how to make some fast dough.                     
I just won't wash my panties no mo'.                        
For fifteen ninety-nine,                                    
It's a taste so divine,                                     
Guaranteed to make certain things grow.                     
                                                            
16600 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Cheryl                   



Well, this should throw you for a loop;                     
My wife's drawers are LOADED with goop.                     
There's a horrible blotch                                   
That rots out the crotch;                                   
You could boil the things and make soup.                    
                                                            
16601 CLOTHES - PANTIES              MrMalo                   



'Bout panties? Most people would share 'em.                 
They'd happily send you a pair of 'em.                      
You could sniff them, all right,                            
From morning till night --                                  
The problem: they simply don't wear 'em.                    
                                                            
16602 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Kaylin Brandon           



Thanks for your panties, my dear.                           
They haven't been washed in a year.                         
They're rather disgusting                                   
But help with my lusting,                                   
By cranking my dick up a gear.                              
                                                            
16603 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



Those patches I sniff up my nose,                           
Send shivers from head to my toes.                          
The general effect                                          
Makes my pecker erect,                                      
So please send more panties like those.                     
                                                            
16604 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



How many do you want in the set?                            
A lovely selection you'll get.                              
There's nylons and cottons,                                 
And crotchless bare bottoms,                                
And you'll keep them so very wet!                           
                                                            
16605 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Arden                    



Said the president, hiding a frown,                         
"In a sea of inflation we'll drown,                         
But I see a bright light;                                   
Some relief is in sight.                                    
I hear panties are still coming down."                      
                                                            
16606 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Albin Chaplin   3024-2966



You guessed it, I've had an attack;                         
My panties are wedged up my crack.                          
I can't fart or fuck,                                       
'Til I get unstuck.                                         
I might use this old hammer Jack.                           
                                                            
16607 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Carol                    



A certain young lady named Lily                             
Likes knickers -- light, pink, and frilly.                  
In winter she wears                                         
Maybe three or four pairs,                                  
To keep her from feeling too chilly.                        
                                                            
16608 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Limerick John            



There once was a young man named Paul                       
Who went shopping one day at the mall.                      
But this was Pretoria;                                      
(No Secrets Victoria)                                       
He ended up with knickers too small.                        
                                                            
16609 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Robert A Seely           



A slobish transvestite named Brants                         
Wore lace panties imported from France.                     
He said, "What can I say?                                   
This is the only way                                        
That I can get into her pants."                             
                                                            
16610 CLOTHES - PANTIES              William N Nesbit    P9805



Would you meet me today about one?                          
And we'll lie in the afternoon sun.                         
We'll caress all those parts                                
That are dear to our hearts.                                
Would you come with your panties undone?                    
                                                            
16611 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a chickie from Spain,                        
Who tried on her panties in vain.                           
The legs fit just right,                                    
Just ever so tight.                                         
She wore them, forgetting the pain.                         
                                                            
16612 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



My panties from Secret Victoria                             
Don't come, but they've got a storia.                       
With my legs open wide                                      
And my man deep inside,                                     
They've been known to shout upwards, "Gloria!"              
                                                            
16613 CLOTHES - PANTIES                                       



An old dry goods vendor named Wales                         
Said, "Think what I'd ring up in sales,                     
If the town's hundred whores                                
Would decide to wear drawers,                               
To cover their hard-working tails!"                         
                                                            
16614 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Grand Prix Lim  149      



A gal soon learns this little knack,                        
When her panties get caught in her crack --                 
If the pressure is steady,                                  
It helps to get ready --                                    
Just wriggle from frontward to back!                        
                                                            
16615 CLOTHES - PANTIES              Peter Wilkins            



"Indeed," said an actress named Dix,                        
"We played safe when we toured in the sticks.               
In case men attacked us,                                    
We wore panties of cactus--                                 
Is life just a succession of pricks?"                       
                                                            
16616 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                          G0564



A fastidious girl in Manila,                                
Whose panties were lined with chinchilla,                   
Said, "One thing money brings                               
Is a taste for fine things,                                 
And fabulous screws in my villa."                           
                                                            
16617 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                          G0693



The drawers of a spinster from Lavonham                     
Had rude limericks embroidered in Slav on 'em.              
To her lawyer she said,                                     
"Burn them all when I'm dead,                               
For I'm damned if my nephew is having 'em."                 
                                                            
16618 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Wordsworth Book Lim P9711



The Dowager Duchess of Mole                                 
Wore ermine-lined drawers (dear old soul),                  
She found they provided                                     
A snugness decided-                                         
ly welcome on jaunts to the Pole.                           
                                                            
16619 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Jim Weaver Collection    



The weird explanation from Abel                             
Has now been exposed as a fable:                            
"I wanted to restring                                       
But found that a G-string                                   
At Minsky's was more like a cable."                         
                                                            
16620 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



There once was a lady from Maine                            
Who cried when her panties were plain.                      
She liked purple dots                                       
Or little green spots                                       
And striped ones just drove her insane.                     
                                                            
16621 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                               



She only wore panties of cotton;                            
Thought all nylon panties were rotten;                      
Was not of the ilk                                          
For panties of silk.                                        
Through those things she might get begotten.                
                                                            
16622 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                               



If you seek erotic sensations                               
That do not involve aberations,                             
You might get a boot                                        
From a sunflower suit                                       
And some underwear made of carnations.                      
                                                            
16623 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Norm Storer         P9711



A rainbow of colors I wear,                                 
Both silken and lace, dear Pierre.                          
But if I feel flirty,                                       
With thoughts kinds dirty,                                  
I might leave them home and go bare.                        
                                                            
16624 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                               



Assortment of colors is grand,                              
I wear shorts to cover my gland.                            
By end of the week,                                         
They're brown on each cheek,                                
And the front of them?  Yellowed or tanned!                 
                                                            
16625 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                               



The thickest of cottons I wear!                             
(With all of these teeth and this hair,                     
I oft need a blotter,                                       
When I'm feeling hotter,                                    
To soak up the drooling down there.)                        
                                                            
16626 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                               



There was a young lady named Kerr,                          
Whose step-ins were made out of fur.                        
When they asked, "Is it fun?"                               
She replied, "It's a son-                                   
Of-a-gun to make pussy purr!"                               
                                                            
16627 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY                          L1454



While spending some time with my slattern,                  
I saw an emerging new pattern.                              
She'll wear just a thong -                                  
I think that it's wrong -                                   
It's not even made of red satin                             
                                                            
16628 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Archie                   



Relax Arch and first take a drink;                          
Immaterial's the color I think;                             
Whether panty or thong                                      
Is confronting your dong,                                   
As long as the content is pink.                             
                                                            
16629 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Dirruk                   



I must say I am very much taken                             
That a panty's what's gotten you shaken.                    
Whether purple or pink,                                     
Quick as eyes can blink,                                    
They'll be gone when you're pleasing your bacon.            
                                                            
16630 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Nawahl                   



What I find's a more serious issue,                         
Is when ladies cannot use a tissue.                         
And their undies or slacks                                  
Show brownish-y tracks,                                     
Disgusting, Haikona!, agh sies you!  (?? McW)               
                                                            
16631 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Nawahl                   



I once wore a little red thong,                             
My husband's delight to prolong.                            
But it made him too randy;                                  
He pounced on me and he                                     
Got it wrapped round the end of his dong.                   
                                                            
16632 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Jeanie                   



Confession: I once tried to squeeze                         
Into wee satin panties cerise,                              
But my tackle didn't fit                                    
And they kind of - well - split,                            
Which annoyed my then girlfriend Louise.                    
                                                            
16633 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Peter Wilkins            



So tiny they were and so tight,                             
That I had the most terrible fight                          
With my testicle (left),                                    
Which extruded bereft                                       
Of the satin which covered my right.                        
                                                            
16634 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Peter Wilkins            



But tucking my testicle (left),                             
To the right, left my right one bereft                      
Of material too;                                            
It was quite a to do,                                       
Though with panties I'm usually deft.                       
                                                            
16635 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Peter Wilkins            



I squashed 'em together; but no,                            
Either one or the other hung low;                           
And the fight (I divulge)                                   
Caused material bulge,                                      
Which continued to outwardly grow.                          
                                                            
16636 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Peter Wilkins            



Just then sweet Louise interrupted                          
Complaining, "By god, you're corrupted!                     
You're wrecking my pants!"                                  
But I didn't stand a chance                                 
For they ripped as the contents erupted.                    
                                                            
16637 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Peter Wilkins            



That's really a pisser, now innit?                          
Trying to get your whole package down in it.                
But the truth, I must say,                                  
If with me you did play,                                    
That you'd only be in them a minute.                        
                                                            
16638 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FANCY      Anon                     



The Eurostar management keeps                               
Placing adverts for geezers to sweep                        
Up the debris and stuff                                     
From the trackside; enough                                  
To form, daily, a mountainous heap.                         
                                                            
16639 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



For the tunnel from Britain to France                       
Is a place of illicit romance;                              
And from April to June                                      
Thru' October is strewn                                     
With more pants than dictated by chance.                    
                                                            
16640 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



All feminine; old ones and new                              
Ones in leopard-print, orange and blue.                     
Then there's virginal white ones,                           
Transparently tight ones,                                   
And others of every hue.                                    
                                                            
16641 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



The blokes volunteering to work                             
There collecting those panties don't shirk.                 
Though they never get paid                                  
More than benefit aid,                                      
For the job in itself is a perk.                            
                                                            
16642 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



So what then becomes of those panties                       
And similar feminine scanties?                              
Well, some get abused                                       
If the guys get "enthused"                                  
Although others are given to aunties ..                     
                                                            
16643 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Or girlfriends or sisters or wives                          
Or themselves, if their pleasure derives                    
From the wearing of such;                                   
Although no-one can touch                                   
The enormous collection of Clive's.                         
                                                            
16644 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



For Clive, who has more than a whim                         
And a fancy for second-hand quim,                           
Owns a house near the docks                                 
Which is chock-full of frocks                               
And of panties is full to the brim.                         
                                                            
16645 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



But back to the tunnel. The rest                            
Of the workers are working with zest                        
Piling panties in heap                                      
Upon heap as they sweep,                                    
Like an army of devils possessed.                           
                                                            
16646 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



And now come the sorters who sort                           
Them. For most it's their favorite sport                    
After football and beer                                     
So they, too, volunteer                                     
For again it's a job that pays naught.                      
                                                            
16647 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Discarding the black ones and white ones,                   
The loose and the overly-tight ones,                        
The greens and the blues                                    
And most others, they choose                                
Only red ones, for those are the right ones.                
                                                            
16648 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



The right ones for what? You may ask                        
As you take a wee sip from a flask.                         
(Yes I'm biding my time,                                    
But at least it's a rhyme)                                  
And my answer?  They're right for the task.                 
                                                            
16649 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



The task? Well, I'll have to explain                        
Rather more 'bout the Eurostar train.                       
Here in Britain the tracks                                  
Are oft found to have cracks,                               
And take years to repair in the main.                       
                                                            
16650 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



In France, 'cross the channel, are trains                   
Which go faster than physics ordains.                       
They go whistling by                                        
In the blink of an eye,                                     
Over mountainous regions and plains.                        
                                                            
16651 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Now Eurostar trains after leaving                           
The station in Paris go weaving                             
Their way north to Dover,                                   
Through fields full of clover,                              
At speeds which take quite some believing.                  
                                                            
16652 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



In seconds, the tunnel they breech                          
Next to Calais, but soon as they reach                      
A position half-way                                         
Between France and UK,                                      
Then the brakes are applied with a screech.                 
                                                            
16653 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



At Dover they come to a stand,                              
For continuing further is banned,                           
Without help from a man                                     
With a hat on called Stan,                                  
Who is rarely if ever at hand.                              
                                                            
16654 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Now Stan is the man with the wax-                           
Coated tatty old map of the tracks                          
And emergency flares,                                       
Who makes instant repairs                                   
(If he can) to the railway-line cracks.                     
                                                            
16655 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Now Stan is the man on the tracks,                          
Who repairs all the gaps and the cracks;                    
He keeps a red flag                                         
And some flares in his bag,                                 
But it's tools, such as hammers, he lacks.                  
                                                            
16656 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



He's proud of the hat on his head                           
And his uniform jacket of red;                              
His newly pressed trizers                                   
And underpant risers                                        
(Intended for shoes, I'd have said).                        
                                                            
16657 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



But nevertheless he looks smart;                            
An ideal sort of bloke for the part                         
Of guiding the racketty                                     
Clicketty-clacketty                                         
Trains here, if ever they start.                            
                                                            
16658 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



He taps every rail as he walks                              
And the dodgiest-looking he chalks;                         
Then flags down the driver                                  
(Who's always called Ivor)                                  
And into a telephone talks.                                 
                                                            
16659 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Right now I should mention it's not                         
A new-fangled type mobile he's got;                         
He walks up the track                                       
'Til he finds one, then back                                
To ask Ivor for coins for the slot.                         
                                                            
16660 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



And having reported the cracks,                             
He returns by the side of the tracks.                       
Then Ivor and he                                            
Brew a hot cuppa tea,                                       
While they wait for the man with the axe.                   
                                                            
16661 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



It's true that the passengers fret                          
On occasions and seem to forget                             
Repairs can take hours,                                     
If the forecast is showers;                                 
Maybe days (even weeks) if it's wet.                        
                                                            
16662 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



But Stanley, the man with the hat,                          
Tells them all to piss off and that's that.                 
He knows how to curb all                                    
The backchat and verbal                                     
With pleasantries, banter and chat.                         
                                                            
16663 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



If sometimes a passenger swears                             
About waiting around for repairs.                           
Then Stan has a trick;                                      
He says, "Where shall I stick                               
These explosive emergency flares?"                          
                                                            
16664 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Then whispers a silent "Kaboom!"                            
And thus faced with the prospect of doom,                   
The passenger quits                                         
All his verbals and sits                                    
Like a lamb in the gathering gloom.                         
                                                            
16665 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



And Stanley goes back to his tea                            
To join Ivor for cup number three.                          
They talk about cracks                                      
And the man with the axe                                    
And take bets on how long he will be.                       
                                                            
16666 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



The man with the axe, name of Jack,                         
Was lazing around in his shack                              
When, whaddya know?  A                                      
Loud ring from the blower --                                
'Twas Stanley, the man on the track.                        
                                                            
16667 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"Hey Jack, can you maybe come out?"                         
"No; not if it's raining without."                          
"You don't have to grizzle,                                 
It's only a drizzle."                                       
"So why in my shack is a trout?"                            
                                                            
16668 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"Oh come, get a grip on your life;                          
That's no way to speak of your wife.                        
Now have you that axe                                       
To take care of these cracks?"                              
"No, I've left the damn thing up in Fife."                  
                                                            
16669 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"But Eurostar's stuck on the tracks                         
'Twixt Dover and London. The cracks                         
Prevent it from going.                                      
What's that?"   "I'm just blowing                           
Relaxing-type jazz on my sax."                              
                                                            
16670 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"For heavens sake, Jack, are you deaf?                      
A passenger here name of Geoff                              
Is going .. "   "Eh, what?                                  
I'm most certainly not,                                     
But for you I shall try a new clef."                        
                                                            
16671 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



".. is going bananas."   "OK.                               
I'll go up to Fife right away                               
And look on the tracks                                      
For my track-repair axe,                                    
And come back to .. er .. where did you say?"               
                                                            
16672 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"To Dover; for that's where we're stuck."                   
"I say, Stan, that's awful bad luck.                        
I'll just play the blues                                    
Now for Ivor and you'se,                                    
Or this piano concerto by Gluck."                           
                                                            
16673 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"Now Jack, don't you dare even start;                       
Get going, it's time to depart."                            
"OK then, but Stan,                                         
If you possibly can,                                        
Can you lend me your railway-track chart?"                  
                                                            
16674 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"I fear that my tatty old maps                              
Are now on the point of collapse;                           
But don't gimme strife,                                     
Mate, just eff off to Fife                                  
And locate your old track-axe."   "Perhaps."                
                                                            
16675 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



"Perhaps? But that isn't enough."                           
"I'm kidding you Stan, I won't bluff."                      
"Just see that my tracks                                    
Are repaired with your axe ..                               
As for passengers - couldn't give a stuff."                 
                                                            
16676 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



He walks just in front of the train,                        
If it's dry and not pissing in rain.                        
For he finds that his knees                                 
Get arthritic and freeze,                                   
If it's wetter and colder than Spain.                       
                                                            
16677 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Though stopping a train has its snags,                      
If the railway track buckles and sags,                      
Good old Stanley refuses                                    
New methods and chooses                                     
Red panties as semaphore flags.                             
                                                            
16678 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



So that's why the sweepers go sweep,                        
And the sorters go sort every heap                          
Of discarded old pants,                                     
Between Britain and France                                  
And it's only the red ones they keep.                       
                                                            
16679 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



That train with finesse also bustles                        
To Belgium and ends up at Brussels,                         
There's girls called Walloons,                              
With big soft balloons,                                     
And Flemings who'll tone fellows' muscles.                  
                                                            
16680 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Peter Wilkins            



Those discarded piles of red scanties                       
Just show where Pete plays gallanties,                      
Removes excess luggage,                                     
Commits Litterbuggage,                                      
Exposing his lady's enchanties.                             
                                                            
16681 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Archie                   



He travels the Euro-train tunnel,                           
Exploring his favorite love funnel.                         
Through open windows                                        
Discarding his clothes,                                     
And then he's inserting his trunnel!                        
                                                            
16682 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Archie                   



Just then the conductor calls "Ticket                       
Please.  Show me so I can just click it.                    
Leave you in your piece --                                  
OOps -- leave you in peace.                                 
The lady as well, I must prick it.                          
                                                            
16683 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Archie                   



The passengers peer through the door,                       
At the spectacle there on the floor.                        
With Pete's tail a-waggin',                                 
And both of them shaggin',                                  
The crowd is all crying for more.                           
                                                            
16684 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Archie                   



When she espies all of the viewers,                         
She winks as she flips her pet screwer.                     
And now she's atop                                          
To bounce on his prop.                                      
How much can Pete's peter endure?                           
                                                            
16685 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING   Archie                   



Friend Tracey, though, knows what she's doing;              
She cannot be bothered with wooing.                         
She flashes her pants                                       
In the hope of romance,                                     
Or a once-a-week Friday night screwing.                     
                                                            
16686 CLOTHES - PANTIES - FLAGGING                            



There was a young girl named Elias,                         
Whose panties were cut on the bias.                         
In back was a loop,                                         
Through which she could poop,                               
And through which she got laid once or twice.               
                                                            
16687 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                          L0727



Petal, get out of that bed                                  
And stop sleeping. Get ready instead                        
For a day-trip or more                                      
To that lingerie store,                                     
Where you purchased those panties of red.                   
                                                            
16688 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Peter Wilkins            



The pair you have on are all torn                           
And they're looking a little forlorn;                       
If you're somewhat confused                                 
How they got so abused,                                     
I confess that they give me the horn.                       
                                                            
16689 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Peter Wilkins            



Whenever I can, I've been wearing 'em.                      
(That's how they got that great tear in 'em.)               
Now I confessed.                                            
May I humbly suggest                                        
That we buy with a view to us sharin' em?                   
                                                            
16690 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Peter Wilkins            



I have a weird boyfriend named Grant; he's                  
Got a fetish for sniffing girl's panties;                   
He, ofttimes, borrows mine,                                 
And returns them just fine,                                 
But chewed up the whole crotch on my auntie's.              
                                                            
16691 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Robin K. Willoughby P8710



A brunette from Moscow it's said,                           
Would take anyone up to her bed,                            
In exchange for some scanties                               
And tight crotchless panties,                               
As long as the color was red.                               
                                                            
16692 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Peter Wilkins            



"Let's take 25 crotches," said Jack,                        
"From our #612 crotchless (black),                          
Put them all in a nice                                      
Box; slap on a high price;                                  
And we'll sell the things as a gift-pack."                  
                                                            
16693 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Michael Weinstein   P8802



My Frederick's of Hollywood bra                             
(Model name? "Ay Carumba!")                                 
Has holes for my nips                                       
With their pert little tips.                                
And I've crotchless undies - voila!                         
                                                            
16694 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Jim Weaver Collection    



It's Christmas time in the hills.                           
The presents are opened with thrills.                       
Until she got mine,                                         
Which at first seemed fine,                                 
It was crotchless and heart-shaped with frills.             
                                                            
16695 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



A laddie by name of Don Scotchless                          
Collected silk pantyhose crotchless;                        
And all of them bought                                      
For the pleasure he sought,                                 
For his bedpost was sadly quite notchless.                  
                                                            
16696 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



Nantucketeers say they will fetch                           
A much larger urn or a wretch                               
For you if the friction                                     
Is causing restriction,                                     
But you know of course, it will stretch!                    
                                                            
16697 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Travis                   



I've put on a clean pair of Jockeys,                        
And set off for those far off Rockies,                      
In search of a party                                        
That will include Marty;                                    
I hope that she's practicing squatties.                     
                                                            
16698 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Frank                    



No matter how hard Marty strains,                           
When doing her squatties, no stains                         
Will ever be present                                        
Since she finds it pleasant                                 
To wear her new, loose crotchless Hanes.                    
                                                            
16699 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Travis Brasell           



She ought to be spending some More thought                  
On a subject not mentioned in your thought;                 
For those of us smaller                                     
Than the length of a dollar,                                
A chick must have phallus aforethought.                     
                                                            
16700 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Hugh Clary               



And you, dear Petunia? You                                  
Look so ravishing dressed in those blue                     
Crotchless panties you wear,                                
With your curlicues fair,                                   
And a hint of sweet pussy on view.                          
                                                            
16701 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



An old vegetarian Rose,                                     
Was wearing air tight pantyhose.                            
Each time that she farted,                                  
The odor departed                                           
From holes that they burned in the toes.                    
                                                            
16702 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



To dear Vickie's Secret I went;                             
My goodness! The money I spent                              
On new underwear                                            
That has, I declare,                                        
A hole in the crotch for a vent!                            
                                                            
16703 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



I know I must look like a fool                              
By sitting here on my small stool                           
In these tiny frillies,                                     
That gives me the willies;                                  
However, this hole keeps me cool!                           
                                                            
16704 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



Poor girl, your knickers gone through,                      
When you paid so much for them too.                         
But with seam undone                                        
Just imagine the fun,                                       
And the naughty little things you can do!                   
                                                            
16705 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



Walking through church, I heard snickers                    
From adults and children and vicars.                        
Asking them why,                                            
I heard one reply,                                          
"You've got a huge hole in your knickers!"                  
                                                            
16706 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



But what could have made such a hole?                       
Be it man or an amorous mole?                               
Why the hell should I care?                                 
You just waltz over here;                                   
Let me cover that hole with my pole.                        
                                                            
16707 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



There was a young woman from France,                        
Famous for holes in her pants.                              
But 'twas the one in front                                  
That showed off her cunt,                                   
That made all the gentlemen glance.                         
                                                            
16708 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



"Well, this is a nice piece of cloth",                      
Said the biggest and hungriest moth,                        
As they chewed up poor Auntie's                             
Humungous great panties,                                    
Which made her exceedingly croth.                           
                                                            
16709 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY                               



An eager young man of Montrose,                             
Too speedy wherever he goes,                                
While going too far                                         
In a neighborhood bar,                                      
He ruptured a girl's panty hose.                            
                                                            
16710 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old woman from Sorn                            
Who stood up to her waist in the corn.                      
Though is lashed down with rain,                            
She said, "I'm still stayin'                                
Till it's dark, for my knickers are torn."                  
                                                            
16711 CLOTHES - PANTIES - HOLEY      Ken Andrews         P9711



There was a young lady named Dawes                          
Who went out without any drawers.                           
Her mother said, "Celia,                                    
Should anyone feel ya--                                     
He'd think you was one of them whores.                      
                                                            
16712 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                        G1768



There was a young girl from Land's End,                     
Sailed abroad to visit a friend.                            
She wound up in France,                                     
Without any pants;                                          
An embarrassment she couldn't end.                          
                                                            
16713 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Thomas Ratliff      P0304



There is the odd prude who abhores                          
The girl who will fast shed her drawers;                    
But I'm quite impresseded                                   
With gals so divested,                                      
And greet them with roars of applawers.                     
                                                            
16714 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



Those scanties and panties, best grip 'em.                  
Let loose 'round the ankles, t'will trip 'em.               
Those legs'll  fly up                                       
Exposing furred cup;                                        
'Tis all you need; no need to strip 'em.                    
                                                            
16715 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



Talk around the water cooler                                
Is that it is easy to fool 'er.                             
She never does wear                                         
Anything under there.                                       
Drop money, she'll bend, then tool 'er.                     
                                                            
16716 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



Went shoppping for panties to wear;                         
Thought I might get me a pair.                              
Didn't like how they fit,                                   
So I said, "Forget it!"                                     
Besides, I prefer to go bare!                               
                                                            
16717 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Kaylin                   



Now tell me you girls, and don't lie!                       
Feel sexy with panty-less pie?                              
If I wore no jockeys,                                       
I'd get bouncing of rockies,                                
And a rash on my dick for to cry.                           
                                                            
16718 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Tutta Gioia              



Do cheerleaders wear cotton panties?                        
Pray, tell me your view of their scanties.                  
If you only see hair,                                       
There's just air under there.                               
Which surely would many a man please.                       
(Which, given a chance, would a man sieze.)                 
16719 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Tony The Tiger           



Pearl's panties come down with a jerk,                      
As she bared her fair bottom for work.                      
Said she, "Pants are silly,                                 
But the men like them frilly,                               
And chewing them drives 'em berserk!"                       
                                                            
16720 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Grand Prix Lim  335 G0863



I'm helping dear Santa this year;                           
He gave me this big sack of cheer.                          
But guys don't want toys;                                   
Rather play with my joys,                                   
And lost undies give me a cold rear                         
                                                            
16721 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



On my panties are "Days of the Week"                        
And on Monday through Friday they're meek.                  
Sunday's virginal white,                                    
But for Saturday night,                                     
I just style up my "short" hair real sleek.                 
                                                            
16722 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Jeanie                   



Young Debbie's a tease and a flirt;                         
She wears nothing at all 'neath her skirt.                  
When she sits with her thighs                               
Open wide, no surprise                                      
That my shorts get so tight that they hurt.                 
                                                            
16723 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Anon                     



There once was a girl named Sandy                           
Took off panties when she's feeling randy.                  
And more often than not                                     
When lying on her cot,                                      
Randy would fondle Sandy.                                   
                                                            
16724 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



Said a lady of some perspicacity                            
"My knickers have lost some elasticity!"                    
And then with a frown,                                      
As the culprits fell down,                                  
"And there goes my proof of veracity."                      
                                                            
16725 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    John Pickersgill         



It's true what my aunties did say --                        
I threw all my panties away.                                
When we start to pet,                                       
They just get all wet --                                    
The darned things just get in the way!                      
                                                            
16726 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Kaylin Brandon           



All you panty-sniffers there in the queue,                  
The news from here's sad but it's true.                     
Knickers are now passe' --                                  
Hubby likes it that way --                                  
He's a dirty old Englisheman too.                           
                                                            
16727 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Cheryl                   



I'm having a funny romance;                                 
Looks like I am taking a chance.                            
He's charming and sweet.                                    
He's always dressed neat --                                 
Except that he will not wear pants.                         
                                                            
16728 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



On my panties are "Days of the Week"                        
And on Monday through Friday they're meek.                  
Sunday's virginal white,                                    
But for Saturday night,                                     
I just style up my "short" hair real sleek.                 
                                                            
16729 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



Since I'm not a stylest I'd bungle                          
The trimming of quim's thickest jungle;                     
So I will just push                                         
My way through the bush,                                    
With Willy, my guide, and then tungle.                      
                                                            
16730 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



In aversion, young P. Smilly Frutt                          
Told his frau, in his ire, "You're a slut...                
When you frug at the dance,                                 
When you're not wearing pants,                              
Keep the cavern they cover up, SHUT!"                       
                                                            
16731 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Grand Prix Lim  854      



Without knickers my girlfriend's gone out,                  
To feel sexy, she wishes, no doubt.                         
But much shame she'll profess                               
When the wind lifts her dress                               
And exposes her wonders throughout!                         
                                                            
16732 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    C M                      



I stealthily slid up her thigh                              
My hand, as she moaned with a sigh,                         
"Oh Tutta you'll find                                       
No panties to bind...                                       
It's direct from your fly to my pie..."                     
                                                            
16733 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Tutta Gioia              



There was a young lady from Twickers                        
Who never was seen wearing knickers.                        
The view from the front                                     
Showed a clean healthy cunt;                                
Spectators were many and sticky-ers.                        
                                                            
16734 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



There was a young lady from Twickers                        
Who never was seen wearing knickers.                        
The view from the behind                                    
Forced a change in the mind,                                
Making butt-lovers from previous dickers.                   
                                                            
16735 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



There was a young lady from Twickers                        
Who never was seen wearing knickers.                        
The view from beneath                                       
Made men grind their teeth;                                 
Molar-less, left 'em with just lickers.                     
                                                            
16736 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



A horny young fellow named Phil                             
Detected a forthcoming thrill,                              
When his girfriend, quite pert,                             
Raised the hem of her skirt,                                
And he noticed her knickers were nil.                       
                                                            
16737 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Cap'n Bean               



Marie, the administrative assistant,                        
To passes is usually resistant.                             
Except for on Mondays,                                      
When she doesn't wear undies,                               
And gives in if the boss is insistent.                      
                                                            
16738 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Thomas G. Keller    P9408



There was a young lass from Ignatius,                       
Who lived in a garret quite spacious.                       
When she went to her auntie's,                              
She always wore panties,                                    
But alone in her garret, Good Gracious!                     
                                                            
16739 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                        L1440



There's a sweet little place Courtmacsherry;                
You can get there by road or by ferry.                      
Some girls wear no panties                                  
Or other such scanties,                                     
But most have held on to their cherry.                      
                                                            
16740 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Linda Marsh Coll         



Young Sharon from Clacton-on-Sea                            
Wears panties but not after tea,                            
For then she goes pubbing                                   
And afterwards clubbing                                     
With naught between navel and knee.                         
                                                            
16741 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



Michelle went walking in May,                               
Through daisys, shamrock and hay,                           
But her elastic snapped,                                    
And her knickers collapsed,                                 
And the view was mighty all day.                            
                                                            
16742 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



There was a young lady of Ryde,                             
Who was longing to be someone's bride,                      
So she walked out of doors                                  
Without any drawers,                                        
And her wishes were soon gratified.                         
                                                            
16743 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Anon (L Reed)     (Bibby)



A smart guy said, "One of the clues                         
Of which girl to date you might choose,                     
You can tell at a glance                                    
If they're not wearing pants                                
By the dandruff you see on their shoes.                     
                                                            
16744 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Bob Giandomenico    P8802



When my Sweet Thing starts pumping her swing,               
Love to watch her light summer dress cling                  
To each prominent part,                                     
And what's more -- bless her heart --                       
Underneath, she's not wearing a thing!                      
                                                            
16745 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Allen Wolverton          



There is a young lady from France                           
Who never can stand to wear pants.                          
This gross impropriety                                      
Is abhorred by society,                                     
But at least she's not bothered by ants.                    
                                                            
16746 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



I sneaked out on my porch to see                            
If there was any mail there for me.                         
It was hard to reach.                                       
I guess that will teach                                     
Panties should not be absentee.                             
                                                            
16747 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Marlene Lewis            



Without pants is most fun of all;                           
Though if hard, t'would hurt if you fall.                   
But then, what the hell,                                    
At least I could tell                                       
If you 'really' are on the ball!                            
                                                            
16748 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



A lingerie salesman named Gough,                            
Sold clothes to girls wanting a boff;                       
He saw his sales soar                                       
Selling 'merican drawers...                                 
You've guessed it, one Yank and they're off.                
                                                            
16749 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



She said, "If I wear pants, they're lace --                 
Ventilation in just the right place;                        
'Cause sometimes I get hot,                                 
Need relief on the spot,                                    
So I often go bare, just in case.                           
                                                            
16750 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Ann Gasser          P8803



Lance is the lad who can glance                             
All the girlies right out of their pants.                   
They fall at his feet                                       
At the sight of his meat,                                   
In a frenziedly sexual trance.                              
                                                            
16751 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



The Perfesser just got back from France,                    
And his missus, she feels the romance;                      
Said, "I let him go look,                                   
'Cause I'd read in a book,                                  
That them mam'selles don't wear underpants!"                
                                                            
16752 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



The tease of the breeze through the trees,                  
Lifts skirt above knees of Louise,                          
And with every rise                                         
The watching man sighs:                                     
"Oh, pray she's no panties on, please."                     
                                                            
16753 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Tiddy Ogg                



While Tiddy was flexing his muscle,                         
Dear Louise was having a tussle;                            
Preventing the WHOOSH!                                      
Disturbing her bush,                                        
By keeping a grip on her bustle.                            
                                                            
16754 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING                             



That wasn't the breeze that was teasin'                     
Through trees.  There's a whole nother reason.              
That warm southern zephyr                                   
Was Loweezy, that heifer,                                   
Was fartin' 'cause she found it pleasin'.                   
                                                            
16755 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Jeanie                   



Bought some panties just on a whim,                         
To cover my quivering quim.                                 
"Whatcha got there?                                         
I'd rather you bare!"                                       
So of course I did listen to him.                           
                                                            
16756 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Kaylin                   



A charming young woman of Leeds                             
Had some curious physical needs:                            
One couldn't be matched --                                  
She loved to be scratched,                                  
So she wore nothing under her tweeds.                       
                                                            
16757 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Glen Hughes         P0201



A panty lovers group from East Lake                         
Asked six strippers to their yearly clambake.               
Amidst thunderous applause                                  
The girls took off their drawers,                           
Which were served with coffee and cake.                     
                                                            
16758 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Michael Weinstein   P8708



One morning a typist named Jane                             
Travelled to work on the train.                             
She left home, panties on,                                  
But arrived with them gone.                                 
That's something she still can't explain.                   
                                                            
16759 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Michael Weinstein   P9102



Jane's sister, whose name is Elaine,                        
Met her boyfriend one night in the rain.                    
She left home, panties on,                                  
Yet arrived with them gone.                                 
But that's something Elaine can explain.                    
                                                            
16760 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Michael Weinstein   P9102



A girl who was touring Zambesi,                             
Said, "Attracting the men is quite easy.                    
I don't wear any pants,                                     
And at every chance,                                        
I stand where it's frightfully breezy."                     
                                                            
16761 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Anon                G0684



This morning I read a report                                
That my neighbor's your daughter's distraught.              
When she pegs out her panties                               
To dry with her scanties,                                   
The vanish and leave her with naught.                       
                                                            
16762 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Peter Wilkins            



Now, I am not wishing to tilt,                              
But are you admitting your guilt?                           
Or is it old Jock                                           
Who lives down the block,                                   
Is wearing them under his kilt?                             
                                                            
16763 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Tiddy Ogg                



The neighborhood panty collector                            
Is looking and sniffing for nectar.                         
Gets nothing obscene --                                     
Can't understand "clean"                                    
'Cause he's just a dirty old rector.                        
                                                            
16764 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Marlene Lewis            



Now don't get yourself in a tiff;                           
This collector just wants a sniff                           
Of the cloth that is tinged,                                
And kept close to the minge.                                
That's the only way he can get stiff.                       
                                                            
16765 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Keith Lehman             



The one who is pinching the knickers,                       
Is said to have a rather weak ticker.                       
As the reports come in,                                     
Saying he rants against sin,                                
We just can't believe it's the Vicar!                       
                                                            
16766 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Keith Lehman             



There was a proud girl from Ravenna                         
Who rode in a car in Vienna,                                
With a man dignified.                                       
They came back from the ride                                
With her panties strung from the antenna.                   
                                                            
16767 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Albin Chaplin   3024-2253



Panties and bras make me scoff.                             
Why dress it all up like a toff,                            
In stuff no one sees.                                       
If he does, he says "Please                                 
Take it off!  Take it all off!"                             
                                                            
16768 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Karen                    



A charming you woman from Italy                             
Talked wisely and warmly and wittily,                       
But the feminine art                                        
That makes my heart start                                   
Was her doffing her panties so prettily.                    
                                                            
16769 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Laurence Perrine    P9407



An oversexed dolly in France                                
Finds it useless to try to wear pants...                    
Her Charmille de Fleurs                                     
Is open all heurs,                                          
So panties don't have a damn chance.                        
                                                            
16770 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Grand Prix Lim  355 G1791



A French girl who moved to Penzance                         
Went out wearing no underpants.                             
A wind from the west                                        
Blew her skirt to her chest;                                
Said the Brits on the street, "Vive la France!"             
                                                            
16771 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



Sweet Debbie from Tilbury Docks,                            
When rowing wears miniscule frocks.                         
And sitting in front                                        
With a view of her cunt,                                    
Are the rest of the crew and their cox.                     
                                                            
16772 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Peter Wilkins            



I think that you have made it plain,                        
You're willing to try this again.                           
I spoke to your aunties                                     
Who said your're sans panties.                              
I'll be there, please meet the next train.                  
                                                            
16773 CLOTHES - PANTIES - LACKING    Jim Weaver Collection    



The daughter of Balzoff, the farmer,                        
Proved to be such a bucoloic charmer,                       
That pop found he had                                       
To keep her crotch clad                                     
With ingot-iron panties of armor.                           
                                                            
16774 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL      Grand Prix Lim  937      



There once was a spinsterish lass                           
Who constructed her panties of brass.                       
When asked, "Do they chafe?"                                
She said, "Yes, but I'm safe                                
Against pinches and pokes in the ass."                      
                                                            
16775 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL                          L1462



A prudish young maid of Kilglass,                           
Guarded her virtue with panties of brass.                   
But one night, on the porch,                                
With an acetylene torch,                                    
Her beau melted resistance, alas!                           
                                                            
16776 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL                               



There was a young lady of France,                           
Who would thwart all attempts at romance                    
And intrusions more phallic                                 
By wearing metallic                                         
And bullet-proof bloomers and pants.                        
                                                            
16777 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL      Peter Wilkins            



There was a young girl named McNeal,                        
Who fashioned her panties of steel,                         
For diverting the thrust                                    
Of a thumb filled with lust,                                
And deflecting the unwanted feel.                           
                                                            
16778 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL      Albin Chaplin 3024  G1581



I once knew a virgin from Rome                              
In a chastity belt made from chrome.                        
No hope you would get                                       
Into her curly wet,                                         
Instead she'd just polish your dome.                        
                                                            
16779 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL      John Gearhart            



There was an old spinster named Gretel,                     
Who wore underclothes made of metal.                        
When they said, "Does it hurt?"                             
She said, "It keeps dirt                                    
From stamen and pistil and petal."                          
                                                            
16780 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL                          L0865



An iron-willed woman named Fay,                             
Keeps the men and the boys all at bay.                      
Despite raves and rants,                                    
They can't get in her pants.                                
She wears all-metal Jockeys, they say.                      
                                                            
16781 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL      Tom Patton          P9708



Young Father O'Sheamus's lance                              
Has been locked in his chastity pants,                      
With a spikey metallic                                      
And tight-fitting phallic                                   
Device to stop trouser advance.                             
                                                            
16782 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL      Peter Wilkins            



He went with his pal, Reverend Grieg,                       
To games in the girl's hockey league.                       
And at the first bully,                                     
His puck stood up fully;                                    
His jock-strap had metal fatigue.                           
                                                            
16783 CLOTHES - PANTIES - METAL      Tiddy                    



Tom Victoria, that old buccaneer                            
Made a patented ladies' brassiere.                          
For his girlfriend's derriere,                              
He produced several pair                                    
Of lace panties -- quite naughty and sheer.                 
(Tom Victoria - composer of Holy Week music)                
16784 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Jim Weaver Collection    



My, my, what a charming selection                           
Carol has in her panty collection.                          
From satin and lacy                                         
To silky and racy,                                          
They all change my pecker's direction.                      
                                                            
16785 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                                



No more does he hide in his sac.                            
When I lay down on my back                                  
With thoughts on my mind                                    
Of Carol to grind,                                          
He stands, ready for her sweet crack.                       
                                                            
16786 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                                



Oh panties, so wispy, so light;                             
So see-through, so tiny, so tight;                          
So smooth and so silky;                                     
So Jesus!  So milky.                                        
So creamy, so sticky, so white.                             
                                                            
16787 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Peter Wilkins            



Don't forget the little lace thong,                         
Not quite a real panty, but strong.                         
Whether lace or satin,                                      
It fits like a batten,                                      
And rides up your ass all day long.                         
                                                            
16788 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Carol                    



There was a young wife of Kilrush,                          
Who went out in panties of red plush.                       
When they asked her, "Why crimson?"                         
She replied, "I've got Jim's on.                            
Their color goes well with my bush."                        
(With apologies to L. Reed)                                 
16789 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Langford Reed            



A sweet young strip dancer named Jane,                      
Wore five inches of thin cellophane.                        
When asked why she wore it,                                 
She said, "I adore it,                                      
My cunt juice would spatter like rain."                     
                                                            
16790 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                           L1442



If lace is what tickles your fancy,                         
Come shopping at "Undies by Nancy".                         
But if you are male,                                        
I'd stick with the tale,                                    
"I'm buying stuff for my fiance."                           
                                                            
16791 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Marlene Lewis            



She's discovered what all women should,                     
To help keep their man feelin' good.                        
Edible panties and oil                                      
Make temperatures boil --                                   
Thank God for Frederick's of Hollywood!                     
                                                            
16792 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Jim Weaver Collection    



A Valentine message to start on,                            
If frankness the lady will pardon:                          
When the crease in her pants                                
Make you think of romance,                                  
You can say that she gives you a hard on.                   
                                                            
16793 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                                



Your panties are all in a bunch?                            
Well darlin' that gives me a hunch.                         
I best pry them loose                                       
From your sweet caboose,                                    
Then dive in and have me a munch!                           
                                                            
16794 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                                



Her husband told Mrs. McBundys                              
That he got turned on by black undies.                      
She, not being bright,                                      
Said, "Then very well, Dwight,                              
I'll only wear clean ones on Sundays."                      
                                                            
16795 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Bob Giandomenico    P8802



Stuffed teddies scare me a lot,                             
Specially on nice lady not;                                 
Those skimpy with lace                                      
Just cover the place                                        
That seems like a cuddly spot.                              
                                                            
16796 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Chris Papa               



Entertaining a lover, Miss Sledd                            
Wore her leopard-skin panties to bed.                       
Said he with a scowl                                        
As he heard a soft growl,                                   
"Are you certain that damn thing is dead?"                  
                                                            
16797 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Michael Weinstein   P8802



If we put on an exhibition;                                 
Tossing out all inhibition.                                 
Then some sheer lingerie                                    
I must buy today,                                           
And arrange in strategic position.                          
                                                            
16798 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Jim Weaver Collection    



No limericks on Secrets Victoria!                           
I can't say how much I abhoria.                             
The concept is odious.                                      
The style's unmelodious.                                    
I only wish I could ignoria.                                
                                                            
16799 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Amaril                   



Red knickers all lacy and frilly!                           
How do you squeeze in your large willy?                     
I've seen it before;                                        
It dragged on the floor;                                    
So out of those pants, it will spilly!                      
                                                            
16800 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Jayne                    



Sweet Debbie has promised tonight                           
She'll get rid of her bloomers, alright,                    
And go shopping for scanties                                
And silky red panties,                                      
Exceedingly tiny and tight.                                 
                                                            
16801 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                                



There was a young girl from Prestatyn                       
Who made herself knickers of satin.                         
For her classical friends                                   
To peruse as she bends,                                     
She embroidered the edges in Latin.                         
                                                            
16802 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Tom Baker           P8806



A dirty old man at Pegu                                     
To a girl said, "I'm staring at you."                       
"At me?" said she;                                          
"Yes you," said he,                                         
"It's your knickers which I can see through!"               
                                                            
16803 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Arthur Deex         P0104



Do you have an erector set?                                 
That's something I would like to get.                       
Forget the blue pills                                       
For curing your ills,                                       
It's a sexy black teddy and pet!                            
                                                            
16804 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Marlene                  



For my birthday they sent bras and panties;                 
I love the feel of silken scanties.                         
They bring up my bone                                       
And turn it to stone.                                       
I must write and thank all my aunties.                      
                                                            
16805 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Professor                



I have an old friend called Dave;                           
Fine ladies' panties he craves.                             
Half a bottle of Scotch                                     
And a sniff at the crotch,                                  
Then bye bye to his semen, he waves.                        
                                                            
16806 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Earl Sydney              



When a girl want to purchase a teddy,                       
She first needs to find one that's ready.                   
If it's still at the store,                                 
Then her twat will be sore,                                 
'Cause the poor thing was ready for Freddy.                 
                                                            
16807 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Jim Weaver Collection    



When one wants to purchase a teddy,                         
Best be sure that your lover is ready.                      
Shown too much, too quickly,                                
He or she may grow sickly,                                  
When aged, infirm or unsteady.                              
                                                            
16808 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Jim Weaver Collection    



"Edible panties?" said saleslady Fran,                      
"Yes, we have a few pair for sale, Dan.                     
Here's vanilla; it's very                                   
Nice. We also have cherry."                                 
"What!" cried Dan, "No Moo Goo Gai Pan?"                    
                                                            
16809 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Michael Weinstein   P8802



Highway worker, the pudgy John Long,                        
Was sent home and told, "You don't belong                   
Working here dressed like that.                             
You have on your hard hat,                                  
And your boots but John, really, a thong?"                  
                                                            
16810 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       L C Fitzhugh        P0111



Though some may have had a wee doubt,                       
It seems that my secret is out.                             
Your panties, my dear,                                      
So exquisitely sheer,                                       
Play such havoc, indeed, with my spout.                     
                                                            
16811 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                                



There once was a girl named Mehitabel,                      
Whose panties were really incredible,                       
All frilly and laced,                                       
In impeccable taste,                                        
In fact, such good taste they were edible.                  
                                                            
16812 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Ed Potts            P8802



What on earth are girls now  calling "knickers"?            
I'll listen without any snickers;                           
Are they bloomers with leg-bands?                           
(Don't think I'd do handstands)                             
Or generic briefs from cotton-pickers?                      
                                                            
16813 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY                                



So miniscule, silky and sheer;                              
I love your sweet panties, my dear.                         
They fall to the ground                                     
With hardly a sound,                                        
When I tear them away from your rear.                       
                                                            
16814 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Peter Wilkins            



So softly, they flutter and rise,                           
Like butterfly-wings in the skies;                          
Then drift like a snow-                                     
Flake when northerlies blow                                 
As I drag them down over your thighs.                       
                                                            
16815 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Peter Wilkins            



So whispy they fly in the breeze;                           
Like feathers, they tickle and tease.                       
They float without care,                                    
As if lighter than air,                                     
When I rip them right down to your knees.                   
                                                            
16816 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Peter Wilkins            



So delicate, thin and petite;                               
Translucent and perfectly sweet;                            
I toss them away                                            
With the sound of Ole'!                                     
As I fling them right off of your feet.                     
                                                            
16817 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Peter Wilkins            



Well, you sure ain't talkin' 'bout mine,                    
Which are not so sheer or so fine.                          
They're cotton, opaque;                                     
It probably would take                                      
Some scissors to get to my shrine.                          
                                                            
16818 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SEXY       Marlene Lewis            



Now that I'm rolling in cash                                
From selling my used-panty stash,                           
I'm throwing an orgy                                        
Food, wine, and sex free;                                   
Please supply your own coke and hash.                       
                                                            
16819 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Frank                    



If you're on your way here to play,                         
You'll pass my boutique on your way.                        
If you're inclined                                          
To shop, you will find                                      
Us open 24 hours a day.                                     
                                                            
16820 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Frank                    



Got some in silk or sateen?                                 
Creamed in by some schoolgirl teen?                         
Hermetically sealed?                                        
I'll savor the yield                                        
Of fragrances, if still pristine.                           
                                                            
16821 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    H Welchel                



There was a young lady named Potter                         
Made a new pair of pants from a blotter.                    
She said she regretted                                      
When petted, she wetted,                                    
And sitting 'round damp simply got her.                     
                                                            
16822 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Grand Prix Lim  233      



For you Sir, I have just the pair                           
Brooke Shields, aged 13 (very rare),                        
Stained in Pretty Baby.                                     
Before you buy maybe,                                       
You'll sample this fine underwear.                          
                                                            
16823 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Jim Weaver Collection    



One claim Sir, of this pair so rare,                        
For gentlemen's heads going bare:                           
Should one masturbate                                       
With these on ones pate,                                    
They'll promote a fresh growth of hair.                     
                                                            
16824 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Jim Weaver Collection    



These are the pair I must get!                              
Your scratchnsniffs got my tip wet!                         
The scent of that nook!                                     
The drip of maid Brooke                                     
From days when her brows hadn't met!                        
                                                            
16825 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    H Welchel                



I'll wear them next time on my head,                        
Whilst sliding, back arched, 'cross the bed.                
I'll snuff up, then spew                                    
Like stomped tubes of glue.                                 
Poor lover!  She'll choke, overfed.                         
                                                            
16826 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    H Welchel                



A strange one that Nancy, 'tis true.                        
Her panties are all coloured blue,                          
Except for that line.                                       
To smell I'll decline,                                      
The one with the brown coloured hue.                        
                                                            
16827 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



"Your panties, how lucky they be.                           
Encircling the sweet parts of thee.                         
Please give me a sniff,                                     
'Twill make me grow stiff."                                 
And heartfelt was Archibald's plea.                         
                                                            
16828 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



She took them off, whispered: "Here,                        
I hope you enjoy, Archie, Dear.                             
I hope they enthrall,                                       
'Cause on them is all                                       
The debris of much diarrhoea."                              
                                                            
16829 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



I knew that this tale would hit town;                       
For days I have worn a large frown.                         
It hurts me to say                                          
That to her dismay,                                         
Though they reeked, my nose became brown!                   
                                                            
16830 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



There once was a virgin from Biques                         
Who sold her pure bod to some Greeks.                       
She's still got her bud --                                  
Not one drop of blood --                                    
Just panties with dainty brown streaks.                     
                                                            
16831 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Jim Weaver Collection    



I have nearly two hundred aunts.                            
Are they coming for Christmas?  No chance.                  
For they're ancient and old                                 
And their pee they can't hold.                              
So I'm sending incontinence pants.                          
                                                            
16832 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Peter Wilkins            



Green boughs of pine now grace my stair                     
Rail, wafting their scent through the air;                  
Olfactory auras                                             
Remind me of Laura's                                        
Encrusted and stiff underwear.                              
                                                            
16833 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Travis                   



There once was a cuckold named Jack                         
Whose wife showed, in morals, a lack.                       
From a guy in a bar,                                        
He once bought a used car                                   
And found her old panties in back.                          
                                                            
16834 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Bob Giandomenico    P8802



A walkabout Arch takes Down Under                           
With Shielas in order to plunder                            
Their yellow-stained undies,                                
He exports to Lundy's,                                      
Which labels each pair: "Aussie Wonder."                    
                                                            
16835 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Peter Wilkins            



A fetishist much loved large lingerie;                      
He had a full two-car garage array.                         
The panties displayed                                       
From plump gals he'd laid,                                  
He labeled "My big lass menagerie."                         
                                                            
16836 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Gary Hallock             



That would-be sophisticate, Etta,                           
Claimed nothing could shock or upsetta.                     
But her neighbors, named Rucking,                           
She one day spied fucking,                                  
And her panties grew wetta and wetta.                       
                                                            
16837 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                        G0061



"It's no good denying," said Jane,                          
"You've worn my silk panties again;                         
For look," she exhorted,                                    
"They're stretched and distorted                            
And that is no feminine stain."                             
                                                            
16838 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Peter Wilkins            



A fetishist living in France                                
Sniffed his bin full of slurpy girls' pants.                
And their heady aroma                                       
Sent him into a coma,                                       
As he fondled his fetid free-lance.                         
                                                            
16839 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                        G2340



There was an old lady of Spain,                             
Who dropped her best drawers down a drain.                  
She bent down to get them                                   
And found that she'd wet them,                              
And couldn't get rid of the stain.                          
                                                            
16840 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh, mail your sweet bloomers to me;                         
I collect them and sniff them, you see.                     
When they get very old                                      
And your scent has gone cold                                
Then I'll wash and return them to thee.                     
                                                            
16841 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



Then I'll send them airmail like a bird,                    
But I dare say you'll have a good word.                     
I was going to hide them,                                   
When I saw down inside 'em;                                 
It was more or less just a huge turd.                       
                                                            
16842 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



On a day that is not quite so frantic,                      
I'll send bloomers across the Atlantic,                     
Instead of a turd                                           
(Which was truly absurd).                                   
I'll leave a scent much more romantic.                      
                                                            
16843 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



I know you are sweet and refined                            
So I hope this request you won't mind.                      
Will you please leave a patch                               
Of sweet damp from your snatch                              
On those panties you send? You're so kind.                  
                                                            
16844 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



Her thong needs some extra-strength aid                     
To make that ripe seafood smell fade.                       
Some twenty mule team,                                      
And scalding hot steam                                      
Won't work.  Will a C-3 gernade?                            
                                                            
16845 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Randog                   



A cross-dressing fellow named Chip,                         
Needed new clothes for a trip.                              
So he borrowed his Auntie's                                 
But pissed in the panties,                                  
'Cause there was no fly there to unzip!                     
                                                            
16846 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Lim E. Rick              



There once was a gal up the block                           
Who put all her bloomers in hock.                           
She didn't like them she said,                              
"'Cause after I'm bed,                                      
They smell like a dirty old sock."                          
                                                            
16847 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Harold Heidler           



When enjoying the delights of Doris,                        
Her undies become really porous.                            
Exploring her tights                                        
On alternate nights,                                        
Semen emanates from her clitoris.                           
                                                            
16848 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Jim Weaver Collection    



Their once was a man from Yorks,                            
With underpants full of all sorts.                          
It had shit, it had scum,                                   
And a secretion of cum,                                     
And the hair of a bulldogs bum.                             
                                                            
16849 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



I'm old and like girls' panties too,                        
But prefer the brown stains to the goo.                     
The skidmarks you see                                       
Do much more for me.                                        
Does that make me nastier than you?                         
                                                            
16850 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    PeterW                   



I once had a filly from Woking,                             
Who came for a ride and a poking.                           
But  to  my  surprise                                       
The throb on her thighs                                     
Had given her panties a soaking.                            
                                                            
16851 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    SFA                      



I've driven with you: Isle of Wight                         
To London -- all day, half the night.                       
I'd have to surmise                                         
That filly unwise,                                          
Just wetted her panties from fright!                        
                                                            
16852 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



That's bccause I was travelling blind                       
With you in front, not behind.                              
You straddled my plank,                                     
While perched on my tank,                                   
Which got me arrested and fined.                            
                                                            
16853 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    SFA                      



"Reminds me of my younger days," he                         
Said, "I was nothing but lazy.                              
Bent her over the bike,                                     
Gave the throttle a hike,                                   
Had both of us coming like crazy."                          
                                                            
16854 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    John Miller              



Dolores, you say...that's her name?                         
I didn't know that when I came.                             
Mine went down her throat,                                  
Giving it a white coat.                                     
The soiled panties are not my blame.                        
                                                            
16855 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    S C Saint                



Yesterday John, I was napping,                              
After a spot of mole trapping,                              
When some evil bunch                                        
Came along, stole my lunch,                                 
Enclosed in my Erm's special wrapping.                      
                                                            
16856 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



Please keep old Erm's drawers, if you like,                 
Though the smell, for you, may be too ripe.,                
But send back my oggy,                                      
With hunger I'm groggy...                                   
While eating, I can't type this tripe.                      
                                                            
16857 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                             



The panties of the lady from Twickenham                     
Had goo that was viscous and thickenham.                    
I suggested she wash,                                       
But she answered me, "Bosh!                                 
I can turn at least one more quick trickenham!"             
                                                            
16858 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Robin K. Willoughby P8507



A proper young lady of Taos,                                
Had her panties trimmed neatly with la-oce.                 
But a vulgar young man          (But a Navaho buck)         
Raped her roughly, and ran,     (Roped her down for a fuck,)
And left them pure panties in chaos.                        
                                                            
16859 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED                        L0798



At night-time I steal when it's fine,                       
Kate's panties, if pegged on the line.                      
I use them to scratch                                       
And to sniff at the patch                                   
Of her snatch's sweet moisture divine.                      
                                                            
16860 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Peter Wilkins            



Now panties, Pete, once on the line                         
Are washed, have no fragrance divine.                       
So start, if you're pervish,                                
A laundry servish,                                          
For girls aged below twenty-nine.                           
                                                            
16861 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Tiddy Ogg                



I guess I could visit her place,                            
And steal her used panties of lace.                         
If she sneers, "They don't fit you,"                        
I'd sniff them in situ                                      
But fear she might damage my face.                          
                                                            
16862 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Peter Wilkins            



A susceptible filly in France                               
Was fumbled by Fred as they'd dance.                        
To those who'd inquire                                      
Why she stood by the fire,                                  
She'd reply, "To dry out my damp pants!"                    
                                                            
16863 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Grand Prix Lim  326      



Your friend should drive north on Cervantes                 
Until she arrives at the shanties,                          
Then look by the edge                                       
Of the road where the hedge                                 
Grows tall; she will find some used panties.                
                                                            
16864 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Travis Brasell           



Okay, sit right down there and watch --                     
Keep your eye on that little wet splotch;                   
As I wiggle, like so,                                       
That splotch starts to grow --                              
This technique is truly top-notch!                          
                                                            
16865 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Kaylin                   



Then when I'm gasping and weak,                             
You can demonstrate your fine technique --                  
With a bump and a grind,                                    
From in front or behind,                                    
As long as we both reach our peak!                          
                                                            
16866 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Kaylin                   



Your panties each day I have worn,                          
But I fear they're now tatered and torn.                    
If a pair you have just                                     
Taken off, then you must                                    
Mail them now so I get them by dawn.                        
                                                            
16867 CLOTHES - PANTIES - SULLIED    Peter Wilkins            



I grow old and my hair's getting shaggy;                    
My arteries now have grown claggy.                          
But age shows its throes                                    
By neither of those,                                        
But the fact that my trousers are baggy.                    
                                                            
16868 CLOTHES - PANTS                Tony Burrell             



There just has to be a place in Hell                        
For the folks who designed or did sell,                     
Also for those who bought                                   
Those pants upwardly taut                                   
But whose bottoms were shaped like a bell.                  
                                                            
16869 CLOTHES - PANTS                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



Said a man to his spouse in East Sydenham,                  
"My best trousers!  Where have you hidden 'em.              
It is perfectly true                                        
They were not very new,                                     
But I foolishly left half a quid in 'em."                   
                                                            
16870 CLOTHES - PANTS                Punch 1902          P0312



I barely escaped two swift trains;                          
Thank goodness I'm safe with no pains.                      
My pants weren't so lucky;                                  
They're sticky and yucky;                                   
Forever they'll have those brown stains.                    
                                                            
16871 CLOTHES - PANTS                Travis Brasell           



Ever always teenagers abound,                               
Crotches low, bottoms frayed by the ground.                 
Not to know is their loss;                                  
Chaplin and Cantinflas                                      
In such pants became worldly renowned.                      
                                                            
16872 CLOTHES - PANTS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



"XYZ," I whispered to him,                                  
But he was a little bit dim.                                
"Just what did you mean?"                                   
"I mean that I've seen                                      
There, peeking out, your middle limb."                      
(examine your zipper)                                       
16873 CLOTHES - PANTS                Marlene Lewis            



I got her bra off (what a size!)                            
And I started to feast these old eyes.                      
Then I kissed and I hugged,                                 
And I pulled and I tugged,                                  
But I could not get off her Levis.                          
                                                            
16874 CLOTHES - PANTS                Al Willis           P9606



There once was a young man named Kyle,                      
Who refused to just crack a smile.                          
The crack in the back,                                      
Made up for the lack;                                       
Those low-rider jeans were his style.                       
                                                            
16875 CLOTHES - PANTS                Jim Weaver Collection    



From the tailor my trousers came back,                      
But they squeezed both my balls in the crack                
Of my ass with great pain,                                  
And I pooped from the strain.                               
Oh my Lord, won't you cut me some slack?                    
                                                            
16876 CLOTHES - PANTS                Al Chaplin          P0011



A one-legged tailor named Jack                              
Couldn't sew his own clothes from the rack.                 
To his helper, Lord Jim,                                    
He said, eyeing his limb,                                   
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack."                     
                                                            
16877 CLOTHES - PANTS                Don Moore           P0010



My tailor, Joe Lord, is a hack,                             
Claiming tight leather pant styles are back.                
But they're garish and ugly,                                
And fit me too snugly;                                      
O Lord, won't you cut me some slack?                        
                                                            
16878 CLOTHES - PANTS                Jerry Nordal        P0010



There once was a fellow named Trete,                        
Who from birth was inclined to be neat.                     
He became extra fussy                                       
When he thought his pants mussy,                            
And would throw them away in the street.                    
                                                            
16879 CLOTHES - PANTS                                    L1592



An eccentric young fellow named Scott,                      
His intelligence wasn't too hot.                            
So small was his wit,                                       
That he started to shit                                     
With his trousers draped into the pot.                      
                                                            
16880 CLOTHES - PANTS                                    G1449



This dressing to left or to right,                          
My tailor just can't tell by sight.                         
She gives it a heft,                                        
Says, "Yes, to the left".                                   
By then I am right for the night!                           
                                                            
16881 CLOTHES - PANTS                Archie                   



"Do you dress to the left or the right",                    
Said my tailor's assistant, Miss White.                     
I replied with a leer,                                      
"I dress rightwards, my dear."                              
(Oh my god, what stupendous delight!)                       
                                                            
16882 CLOTHES - PANTS                Peter Wilkins            



I remember school days of my youth,                         
When I sought to shackle the truth.                         
Hung not left nor right,                                    
But up straight and tight,                                  
And taped to my belly forsooth.                             
                                                            
16883 CLOTHES - PANTS                H Welchel                



But now it drapes soft to the right.                        
My boxers are loose and not tight.                          
But should it tumesce,                                      
I let it express                                            
Its lovely tent-pole-licious might.                         
                                                            
16884 CLOTHES - PANTS                H Welchel                



My tailor takes too much delight                            
When checking the left or the right.                        
I'm thinking, for sure,                                     
His thoughts are impure.                                    
The whole thing just makes me uptight.                      
                                                            
16885 CLOTHES - PANTS                Frank                    



The English know just what to do                            
To be helpful to themselves and you.                        
Where you go in to pee,                                     
There's a sign you will see:                                
Fix your fly before leaving the loo.                        
                                                            
16886 CLOTHES - PANTS                Warrick Elrod       P0211



While strolling, Sir Dinglewood Dance                       
Noticed people were casting a glance.                       
But he didn't know why                                      
Till he heard a boy cry:                                    
"Oh Sir, you've forgotten your pants."                      
                                                            
16887 CLOTHES - PANTS                Warrick Elrod            



Although we may think they're just tights,                  
To him they are his suit of lights.                         
And they can get torn                                       
If he gets a horn,                                          
Performing an old pagan rite.                               
                                                            
16888 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



Pajamas I fear are not cool;                                
If I wear them, I look like a fool.                         
When I'm sleeping I've found                                
They get twisted around;                                    
Come the dawn there's no gap for my tool.                   
                                                            
16889 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



I'd rather have shoes than a hat,                           
Or shirts than a fancy cravat.                              
But the hardest to buy                                      
Are the trousers, since I                                   
Have become so uncommonly fat.                              
                                                            
16890 CLOTHES - PANTS                A. N. Wilkins       P8402



One cold day, with no scarf, Mr. Mantz                      
Said, "My neck is as stiff as a lance.                      
I can't even bend it."                                      
His wife said, "How splendid!                               
Now try going out with no pants."                           
                                                            
16891 CLOTHES - PANTS                Bob Giandomenico    P9007



At No.10 Mornington Crescent                                
They found something very unpleasant,                       
For blocking the drains                                     
Were the rotting remains                                    
Of the jeans of a dim adolescent.                           
                                                            
16892 CLOTHES - PANTS                Odd Bodkins         P0105



I've tried my new pants on today                            
Which I admit are size 44a.                                 
I've put on some weight                                     
Which has hampered my gait,                                 
And I can also no longer sashay.                            
                                                            
16893 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



There was a young fellow named Schwartz,                    
Much cherished by girls of all sorts.                       
He made one firm request:                                   
That they all be undressed,                                 
While he wandered around in his shorts.                     
                                                            
16894 CLOTHES - PANTS                Albin Chaplin            



There once was a man from Taiwan,                           
Who neverr could keep his pants on.                         
So he got a straight pin                                    
And he took his pants in,                                   
Ant then all his problems were gone.                        
                                                            
16895 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



I've never been able to zip                                 
Your jeans upward either, you pip.                          
But down I've done easy                                     
And gotten you greasy,                                      
By slipping my tip in to drip.                              
                                                            
16896 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



If sartorial view you'd enhance,                            
And look quite elite at a glance,                           
The rabble defers                                           
To those in JODHPURS,                                       
The greatest of all fancy pants.                            
                                                            
16897 CLOTHES - PANTS                Chris Papa               



JODHPURS, an interesting sight,                             
From knee to ankle they're tight,                           
And at thigh, wide,                                         
Fits Amazon guide,                                          
Whose legs, like drumsticks, they fit right.                
                                                            
16898 CLOTHES - PANTS                Darryl                   



There once was a cowboy from Pouce,                         
Whose trousers were alarmingly loose.                       
Unlike other riders                                         
He said "Mine are gliders,"                                 
And the zip never nips when in use.                         
                                                            
16899 CLOTHES - PANTS                Marlene McCarty          



A man who went 'round with no trousers,                     
At night walked around peoples's houses.                    
He was a pervert                                            
For stuffed up his shirt,                                   
Guess what? -- old ladies blouses.                          
                                                            
16900 CLOTHES - PANTS                Spike Mulligan           



In the dryer the old pair of Wranglers                      
Flailed about as if they were Tanglers.                     
They entwined with the Levis,                               
Exchanged crotches and thighs,                              
And became a new pair of "Levanglers."                      
                                                            
16901 CLOTHES - PANTS                Thomal G. Keller    P9403



The home of young harlot O'Keefe                            
Was ransacked one day by a thief.                           
He joined with the carousers                                
But then he lost his trousers,                              
And he left there with nothing but grief.                   
                                                            
16902 CLOTHES - PANTS                Albin Chaplin            



The girl wore figure-hugging long pants;                    
As she walked, males gave her a long glance.                
The girl of their dreams?                                   
One would think from the gleams,                            
Their dreams would come true now, perchance?                
                                                            
16903 CLOTHES - PANTS                Arthur Pattaffy          



A lady who didn't like flies,                               
Managed to hide her surprise,                               
When she opened up one                                      
And found it was fun.                                       
Now she willingly widens her thighs.                        
                                                            
16904 CLOTHES - PANTS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Ambitious and virile young Lancelot                         
Said, "From bed to bed I advance a lot...                   
While coition's a pleasure                                  
And each female I treasure,                                 
I have to remove my iron pants a lot!"                      
                                                            
16905 CLOTHES - PANTS                Grand Prix Lim  376      



The poor benighted Hindu;                                   
He does the best he kindu;                                  
He sticks to caste                                          
From first to last;                                         
For pants he makes his skindu.                              
                                                            
16906 CLOTHES - PANTS                Cosmo Monkhouse          



Oh what a terrible beast                                    
Is the frog -- the frog from the East.                      
Not the frog from the West,                                 
Who walks round in a vest                                   
With his knickers all mangled and creased.                  
                                                            
16907 CLOTHES - PANTS                Spike Milligan           



Today I am feeling on edge                                  
Because I have taken a pledge:                              
On oath I have sworn                                        
No pants shall be worn,                                     
In order to not get a wedge.                                
                                                            
16908 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



My stretchy old sweat pants expando;                        
They'd even fit old Marlon Brando.                          
Thank God for the room,                                     
'Cause somethings in bloom,                                 
And I'm going fucking commando.                             
                                                            
16909 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



The jeans of today -- anti-rape.                            
So tight that you're less than your shape.                  
No shrink guarantee                                         
And one company                                             
In its ads says "no fart can escape."                       
                                                            
16910 CLOTHES - PANTS                Irving Superior     P9703



There once was a tailor named Naylor,                       
Who measured the pants for a sailor.                        
As he started to crotch it,                                 
The sailor said, "Watch it,                                 
Or I'll buy my clothes from a wholesaler."                  
                                                            
16911 CLOTHES - PANTS                                    G1020



A bold cavalier from France,                                
Attended a Royal Performance.                               
He danced with the Queen,                                   
Which was deemed quite obscene,                             
As he'd forgotten to wear any pants.                        
                                                            
16912 CLOTHES - PANTS                Mike O'Conner            



You guys all have tailors, I see.                           
That means you've more money than me.                       
I buy off the rack.                                         
I've noticed the lack                                       
Of tailors at J. C. Penny.                                  
                                                            
16913 CLOTHES - PANTS                Marlene Lewis            



He pulled off his pants with a grin,                        
And quickly he stripped to his skin.                        
Said he, "Pants are silly.                                  
They bind up your lily.                                     
You must have it out to get in."                            
                                                            
16914 CLOTHES - PANTS                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Ancient britches are PANTALOONS,                            
Sometimes held by belts of maroon;                          
Loss of suspenders                                          
Reveals their enders;                                       
Those who don't look won't seen the moon.                   
                                                            
16915 CLOTHES - PANTS                Daniel Ford              



Narcissistic young Jenny McPenn                             
Saw herself as femme fatale to all men.                     
She thought she, by all means,                              
Was poured into her jeans.                                  
Sadly, Jenny forgot to say when.                            
                                                            
16916 CLOTHES - PANTS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



Euripides played in the shed                                
And tore his pants nigh to a shred.                         
His mother repaired                                         
The holes and declared:                                     
"Euripides pants and you're dead!"                          
                                                            
16917 CLOTHES - PANTS                Travis Brasell           



Euripides, short on amenities,                              
Tore his pants once again right across the knees.           
Since his mother had flared,                                
Took them to be repaired                                    
To the shop of his friend, Eumenides.                       
                                                            
16918 CLOTHES - PANTS                Liam na Beag             



There was a man in Atchison,                                
Whose trousers had rough patchison.                         
He fond them great,                                         
He'd often state,                                           
To scratch his wooden matchison.                            
                                                            
16919 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



A financial advisor in serge                                
Met a woman and had a great urge.                           
When he made his advance,                                   
You could tell by his pants,                                
He would ask her if she'd like to merge.                    
                                                            
16920 CLOTHES - PANTS                Thomas Patton       P9509



A tailor who dabbled in dance,                              
Was arrested for indecent stance.                           
"I'm a much better poser                                    
Than I am a clothier,                                       
Sew I flies by the seat of my pants."                       
                                                            
16921 CLOTHES - PANTS                Jerry Nordal             



There once was a girl who could dance                       
Almost any man out of his pants                             
With a sensuous rhythm,                                     
But that's ok with 'em...                                   
If left on, they would just hang askance.                   
                                                            
16922 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



My girlfriend was from Milton Keynes,                       
She looked her best wearing blue jeans.                     
She started to eat;                                         
Every meal was a treat;                                     
For Levis Jeans, now read smithereens!                      
                                                            
16923 CLOTHES - PANTS                Arthur Pattaffy          



The old knights with shield and lance                       
Were asked how they could life enhance.                     
"For each rescued maid                                      
Or dragon we slayed,                                        
We'll trade for a soft pair of pants."                      
                                                            
16924 CLOTHES - PANTS                Irving Superior     P2005



As I limericize the school ball,                            
I find, though my stature is small,                         
That when dropping my pants                                 
In the midst of the dance,                                  
Sometimes they just don't fall at all.                      
                                                            
16925 CLOTHES - PANTS                Martin Wellborn     P8808



Said an aged Madrid cocksman named Fry,                     
"I refuse these new fashions to try.                        
Why, every zipper                                           
Is just Jack the Ripper!                                    
I shall stick to my old Spanish fly."                       
                                                            
16926 CLOTHES - PANTS                                         



It was once said in Constantinople,                         
"Our sultan's the dumb kind you hope'Il                     
Split the seat of his pants --                              
And there's always the chance,                              
'Cause if anyone'll do it, that dope'll!"                   
                                                            
16927 CLOTHES - PANTS                Corbett Scott            



When dealing with types of romance,                         
Know that there's always a chance                           
That their spouse may return,                               
And quickly you'll learn                                    
To always stay close to your pants.                         
                                                            
16928 CLOTHES - PANTS                Thomas J. Kirby          



A man sipping double martinis                               
Walked into Oleg Cassini's,                                 
Ordered sixty-nine suits,                                   
And nine pairs of boots                                     
And one pair "stone-washed" blue jeanies!                   
                                                            
16929 CLOTHES - PANTS                Writerman                



If a cowgirl gets dressy, she smothers,                     
'Cause ruffles and heels are for others;                    
To cope with cow creatures,                                 
Tight pants are the features,                               
So cowgirls dress just like their brothers.                 
                                                            
16930 CLOTHES - PANTS                Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young lady of Cheltenham;                       
Put on tights just to see how she felt in 'em;              
But she said, with a shout,                                 
"If you don't pull me out,                                  
I'm sure I shall jolly soon melt in 'em."                   
                                                            
16931 CLOTHES - PANTS                Linda Marsh Coll         



A patrician with gentle pretensions                         
Had habits that one hardly mentions.                        
He'd undo the britches                                      
Of rich sons of bitches,                                    
Before they divined his intentions.                         
                                                            
16932 CLOTHES - PANTS                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young woman named Robbie                        
Who would wait in a theater lobby                           
To catch all those guys                                     
Who had unzippered flies.                                   
Oh well, it's an interesting hobby.                         
                                                            
16933 CLOTHES - PANTS                Isaac Asimov             



A woman whose friends would call Max,                       
Would typically wear floppy slacks.                         
From her earliest teens,                                    
She wouldn't wear jeans,                                    
For the seams would pull up in her cracks.                  
                                                            
16934 CLOTHES - PANTS                Bob Birch           P0207



My dear, you are out of it so;                              
It's amazing what you do not know.                          
The modern day closures                                     
To stop male exposures                                      
Are made of that stuff called Velcro.                       
                                                            
16935 CLOTHES - PANTS                S C Saint                



There was a young man named Clancy,                         
Who every Spring did turn his fancy                         
To liasons amorous,                                         
With women glamorous,                                       
Making his pants quite antsy!                               
                                                            
16936 CLOTHES - PANTS                Leonard J K              



A cowboy on Saturday night                                  
Wore jeans most immodestly tight.                           
His steps became mincing,                                   
His groans most convincing,                                 
And teen-agers swooned at the sight.                        
                                                            
16937 CLOTHES - PANTS                Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A Texas tailor, that no prizes wins,                        
Makes pants that stop at the shins.                         
They told him in Lubbock                                    
To cover the stomach,                                       
'Cause that's were the vest begins.                         
                                                            
16938 CLOTHES - PANTS                Dan Sullivan             



Tailors, when alone or in teams,                            
Favor a crease in slacks, they so deem.                     
But I'm telling you, honey,                                 
Those lines are plain funny.                                
Pants would look nicer without, it seams.                   
                                                            
16939 CLOTHES - PANTS                Guy Ben-Moshe            



Sir Peter of Pendleton Place                                
Wore bright yellow pants trimmed in lace.                   
Asked why such a dress,                                     
He said "Under duress.                                      
My wife wants me easy to trace."                            
                                                            
16940 CLOTHES - PANTS                Warrick Elrod            



There once was a knight named Sir Gayle,                    
Whose armour made it hard to screw tail.                    
So here's one for the Gipper,                               
He invented the zipper,                                     
And installed one in the crotch of his mail!                
                                                            
16941 CLOTHES - PANTS                Laurence Craft           



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who dressed up in the finest of clothes.                    
She was unreasonable;                                       
Her clothes were unseasonable;                              
The poor girl turned blue and 'most froze!                  
                                                            
16942 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



She went home and sat close to the fire;                    
Her situation exceedingly dire.                             
The ice melted in pools,                                    
Rusting her finest jewels.                                  
Her temp then grew steadily higher.                         
                                                            
16943 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



A pretty young girl from Madrid                             
Kept her buns and her boobies well hid.                     
'Twas the baggy old shirt                                   
And floor-length wool skirt,                                
That covered her ego and id.                                
                                                            
16944 CLOTHES - STYLES               Bobb Birch          P0207



A young man with a brain that was messed                    
Was criticized for the way he dressed.                      
The fellow, Slattery                                        
Commited battery,                                           
Because he thought it was an acid test.                     
                                                            
16945 CLOTHES - STYLES               Thomas Patton       P0306



If you like your suits double-breasted,                     
Along with your women big-chested,                          
The women and suits                                         
Are both in cahoots,                                        
So you better make sure you're well rested.                 
                                                            
16946 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



Sir Simon Sartorius, Kt.,                                   
Said, "We Tories are dining tokt.;                          
And therefore, I think,                                     
I'll wear not a pink,                                       
But a beautiful blue aconite.                               
                                                            
16947 CLOTHES - STYLES               Harold C Bibby           



The casual Viscount of Blenheim                             
Would often dress up in blue denim,                         
A habit which filled                                        
His buttoned-down guild                                     
Of snot-nosed relations with venom.                         
                                                            
16948 CLOTHES - STYLES               Armand E Singer       807



My highschool made a request                                
That I speak as their graduation guest.                     
I said I would speak,                                       
But first I must seek,                                      
A size 44 bullet proof vest.                                
                                                            
16949 CLOTHES - STYLES               Puff Adder               



A burka, tablecloth or bedsheet                             
At a price that you can never beat.                         
If you're short or you're tall                              
Just one size fits 'em all                                  
Buy where your local KKK meet.                              
                                                            
16950 CLOTHES - STYLES               Tom Patton          P0201



An entrepreneuring young Ghurka                             
Invented a winner in circa                                  
Two thousand and one --                                     
A combination                                               
Sari-diaper-whiteflag-napkin-burka.                         
                                                            
16951 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Deex         P0201



Our burka, fine linen, bed sheet                            
As a holiday gift's a real treat.                           
If you urp, spill, or tinkle,                               
It will dry without wrinkle --                              
Machine wash...gentle spin...on low heat.                   
                                                            
16952 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Deex         P0201



Al Ben Abben, of BURKAS R US,                               
Sold a new triple-use omnibus.                              
Then sales through the roof went                            
When he thought, "And a tent!                               
Viola!  Burka-Sheet-Tablecloth-Plus!"                       
                                                            
16953 CLOTHES - STYLES               William Nesbit      P0201



Bustles gave an unnatural chassis                           
To the dames of the most elite classes.                     
The ladies aspired,                                         
As fashion required,                                        
To small waists and gargantuan asses.                       
                                                            
16954 CLOTHES - STYLES               A. N. Wilkins       P8802



A fellow whose nick-name was Nipper,                        
Who once was employed as a stripper,                        
Could unbutton a fly                                        
In the wink of an eye.                                      
He was equally quick with a zipper.                         
                                                            
16955 CLOTHES - STYLES               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Oh, why must I watch what I wear?                           
If I could, I would rather go bare--                        
If I had my way,                                            
We'd have casual day                                        
In clothes made of nothing but air!                         
                                                            
16956 CLOTHES - STYLES               John Miller 0077c        



An eager young girl named Elaine                            
Wore clothing of sheer cellophane.                          
When the men in surprise                                    
Would avert their pained eyes,                              
She'd come down with a violent migraine.                    
                                                            
16957 CLOTHES - STYLES               Isaac Asimov             



I shudder that I must report                                
In sleeves that are long and not short.                     
And a coat I've been meaning                                
To take for a cleaning;                                     
Shirts and slacks I intended to sort.                       
                                                            
16958 CLOTHES - STYLES               John Miller 0077a        



You'd oft hear old Parkinson grumble:                       
"You kids get too easy a fumble.                            
In my youthful days,                                        
We had corsets and stays,                                   
To cope with ere we had a tumble."                          
                                                            
16959 CLOTHES - STYLES               Tiddy Ogg                



Which brings me to young Mary Vickers                       
Who bragged that she never wore knickers.                   
On thinking this crass,                                     
Old Tom kicked her ass,                                     
And wedged his size-ten Winkle-pickers.                     
                                                            
16960 CLOTHES - STYLES               Anon                     



In the past I was stylish for years                         
Wearing designer clothes with my peers.                     
I look at old pictures                                      
And guffaw, getting strictures,                             
Thinking, they got rich.  We got their sneers.              
                                                            
16961 CLOTHES - STYLES               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P970 



There was a young maid in Tahiti,                           
Whom the neighbors considered quite flighty.                
For if Monday was fine,                                     
She would hang on the line                                  
An extremely diaphanous nighty.                             
                                                            
16962 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



In her bed, a girl from St. Thomas,                         
Once found a strange pair of pajamas.                       
Said the girl, "Well well well!                             
Whose they are I can't tell--                               
Something tells me these garments St. Mhomas."              
                                                            
16963 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



If you like your suits double-breasted,                     
Get one tailored like I have suggested.                     
Make sure that it fits,                                     
Snugly over both teats,                                     
To keep you from getting arrested.                          
                                                            
16964 CLOTHES - STYLES               Ogden Nield              



I know this bloke called Pete,                              
Who wears size nine shoes on his feet.                      
As for his clothes,                                         
The size nobody knows,                                      
But his washing eclipses the street.                        
                                                            
16965 CLOTHES - STYLES               P. Copeman               



That's right folks, cars sure are like women;               
Bits drop off - that's what they call slimmin'.             
It's just an excuse,                                        
So clothes they can choose,                                 
And the width of your wallet they're trimmin'.              
                                                            
16966 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



A girl from Ohio, called Sally,                             
Was anxious to go dilly-daily.                              
She dressed up in style,                                    
And she flashed a big smile,                                
While exposing her "Silicon Valley".                        
                                                            
16967 CLOTHES - STYLES               Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0111



A "little bit much!" I should say!                          
Such formal-wear should go away,                            
'Cept the shoes and the pearls                              
Which flatter young girls,                                  
With attire that is proper for play.                        
                                                            
16968 CLOTHES - STYLES               John Miller              



They were shot as you went out the door?                    
Just what were you wearing before?                          
Did you dress for the street?                               
(Gosh! You look sweet,                                      
I wish they had taken some more!)                           
                                                            
16969 CLOTHES - STYLES               John Miller              



A lady who lives in Peoria                                  
Is now in a state of euphoria,                              
Because she gave a chubby                                   
To her 80 year old hubby,                                   
In the outfit she bought from Victoria.                     
                                                            
16970 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0112



A canny young bride of friend Pyte                          
Furred the hem of her nightie--that's right.                
Her reason you've guessed,                                  
And she plainly confessed,                                  
'Twas to keep her neck warm through the night.              
                                                            
16971 CLOTHES - STYLES                                   G2465



A tailor at Momma's request                                 
Made Son's suit quite large in the chest.                   
Then Momma cried, "Son!                                     
Oh, what have I done?"                                      
As the Son slowly sank in the vest!                         
                                                            
16972 CLOTHES - STYLES               The See-Saw         P8903



I never was much good at chess,                             
And my tennis game's really a mess.                         
From baseball to golf, all                                  
My game skills are awful,                                   
But I really do know how to dress.                          
                                                            
16973 CLOTHES - STYLES               Leonara Mellin-Nimes     



There was an old pervert from Leeds                         
Who had a thing about beads.                                
He would sew them on clothes,                               
Some he'd stuff up his nose --                              
It seemed to suffice all his needs.                         
                                                            
16974 CLOTHES - STYLES               Spike Milligan           



On the cub's big new job he was sent                        
To review a posh social event.                              
But he joined the jet set                                   
In blue jeans, at the Met.                                  
And so back to the mailroom he went.                        
                                                            
16975 CLOTHES - STYLES               William N Nesbit         



There was a young eunuch from Munich,                       
Who wore a lascivious tunic.                                
It was woven with care                                      
Out of fine pubic hair,                                     
In patterns both rubric and runic.                          
(rubric - written in red)                                   
16976 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



A young actress with a career,                              
Who wore really outstanding gear                            
In all sorts of weather;                                    
She wore clothes of leather,                                
And her figure looked swell from the rear.                  
                                                            
16977 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



Beside all those old fashioned clothes,                     
They invented the wardrobe of ho's.                         
"High heels" and "french maid"                              
Got the servant wench laid,                                 
When Queen Vic did still cover her toes.                    
                                                            
16978 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



There was a young schoolgirl called Poppy,                  
Who dressed in a fashion most sloppy.                       
Her mum said, "Poppy, dear,                                 
Can I make myself clear?                                    
Will you take Princess Di as a copy?"                       
                                                            
16979 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



Marie could not choose quite what style                     
Of dress, so she asked hubby, Kyle.                         
"The way that you're going,                                 
A thing long and flowing                                    
Is best -- like the Congo or Nile.                          
                                                            
16980 CLOTHES - STYLES               Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young dandy of Butte,                           
Who sported a bright purple suit.                           
When they said, "It's too loud,"                            
He answered them, "How'd                                    
I look in a suit that is mute?"                             
                                                            
16981 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



I've a favorite pair of pajamas                             
Made of fur shorn from Andean llamas,                       
With ermine lined cuff                                      
And just big enough,                                        
To hold me and two hot little mamas.                        
                                                            
16982 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



In these modern days of high fashion,                       
I read magazines with a passion.                            
When I see a new style,                                     
I go out for a while,                                       
To buy some of my new season's ration.                      
                                                            
16983 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



Even socks are a major affair,                              
I can't seem to match up a pair.                            
My favorites are WHITE,                                     
And Lord, what a sight;                                     
What I have's in great need of repair.                      
                                                            
16984 CLOTHES - STYLES               John Miller 0077b        



A funny old person from Hilton                              
When he read Robert Burns, put a kilt on;                   
He dressed in a cope                                        
When reading from Pope,                                     
And a nightshirt when reading from Milton.                  
(cope - cloak or vestment)                                  
16985 CLOTHES - STYLES               Langford Reed            



A fellow named Melvin O'Shay                                
Wore a sundress to church.  He was gay.                     
The people were shocked!                                    
Poor Melvin was mocked:                                     
It was cloudy and rainy that day.                           
                                                            
16986 CLOTHES - STYLES               Don Moore           P0308



A middle-aged lady named Astor                              
Had a clothes sense that was a disaster.                    
She was told that a course                                  
Could trace it to its source,                               
But the lectures just seemed to go past her.                
                                                            
16987 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady named Blair,                         
Whose glory was lovely blonde hair.                         
She was no gadabout,                                        
In fact she never went out,                                 
She complained she had nothing to wear.                     
                                                            
16988 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an young lady of Rye                              
Who said to a gent passing by:                              
"I've looked in my bag                                      
And I haven't a rag..."                                     
So he gave her his Old School Tie.                          
                                                            
16989 CLOTHES - STYLES               Jim Weaver Collection    



With scars on his wrinkly skin,                             
Wide gaps in his slobbery grin,                             
And three warts on his nose,                                
But with good taste in clothes,                             
He models apparel for men.                                  
                                                            
16990 CLOTHES - STYLES               Cybergeezer              



"It's not really meant for a man, sir;                      
But sure I will give you a hand, sir.                       
"Oh yes!" giggled Mandy,                                    
"You do look quite dandy,                                   
In tutu of silk and organza."                               
                                                            
16991 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



"The styles that at present are regnant,"                   
She wrote, "seem to favor the pregnant.                     
I'm told they are swell                                     
(And you know I can't spell)                                
But I think they are simply repegnant."                     
                                                            
16992 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



The dark, proper clothing she wore,                         
Was, on weekdays, really a bore.                            
She left church in haste                                    
With no time to waste;                                      
Her night job was that of a whore.                          
                                                            
16993 CLOTHES - STYLES               Frank Spectra            



An old man from a distaance admired                         
A young lady so smartly attired.                            
From her toes to her nose,                                  
She wore red and peach clothes,                             
And the pink he so hotly desired.                           
                                                            
16994 CLOTHES - STYLES               Dick Ford                



There was a young lady from Wheeling                        
Who dressed in a manner revealing.                          
For she knew the great urgency                              
Of a sudden emergency,                                      
And no time should be wasted in peeling.                    
                                                            
16995 CLOTHES - STYLES               Albin Chaplin            



A nervous young woman named Jane                            
Wore clothes so offensively plain;                          
When she walked at midday,                                  
Even dogs ran away,                                         
And cats hissed and cried out in pain.                      
                                                            
16996 CLOTHES - STYLES               Vassar Smith        P9712



There was a young student called Farrell,                   
Who wore the most awful apparel.                            
When asked about those,                                     
He said "You mean my clothes?                               
I found them when scraping the barrel."                     
                                                            
16997 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



I once knew an itchy Apache                                 
Whose insatiable interest in snache                         
Was due not to passion,                                     
But Indian fashion--                                        
His breechclout was terribly scrache.                       
                                                            
16998 CLOTHES - STYLES               Norm Storer              



There was a young lady from Gloucester                      
Who dressed with intentions to foster                       
Such lustful desires                                        
In the gentlemen squires,                                   
They would fight for the right to accost her.               
                                                            
16999 CLOTHES - STYLES               Peter Wilkins            



There was a young cockster named Casey,                     
Who loved negligees thin and lacy,                          
With nothing beneath,                                       
Not even a sheath --                                        
The rest of this tale is too racy.                          
                                                            
17000 CLOTHES - STYLES               Armand E Singer       841



There was a young lass from near Middleton                  
Who had such a very short skirt on                          
That the curate said: "Dear,                                
You look very queer.                                        
Have you really a skirt or a shirt on?"                     
                                                            
17001 CLOTHES - STYLES               Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young woman named Jessie,                       
Who said it was smart to be dressy.                         
So the bills that she owed                                  
Were quite a la mode;                                       
There's a man in possession of Jessie.                      
                                                            
17002 CLOTHES - STYLES               Illustrated Lims    P9604



Two eager and dashing young beaus,                          
Were held up and robbed of their clothes.                   
While the weather is hot,                                   
They don't mind it a lot,                                   
But what will they do when it snows?                        
                                                            
17003 CLOTHES - STYLES               Bennet Cerf Coll    P9210



Her clothes are quite chic, heaven knows,                   
From her shoes to her fancy chapeaus.                       
While she does make a splash,                               
She spends all her cash,                                    
And you'd be be surprised what she owes.                    
                                                            
17004 CLOTHES - STYLES               Al Willis           P9703



A leopard once shed a great tear,                           
And sighed, "My life is quite drear,                        
I'm covered with lots                                       
Of these big ugly spots,                                    
And stripes are the fashion this year!"                     
                                                            
17005 CLOTHES - STYLES               Miriam Troop        P8704



A convicted prisoner named Sipes                            
Said, "This is one of my gripes.                            
If I'm put in here,                                         
For my checkered career,                                    
Why am I wearing stripes?"                                  
                                                            
17006 CLOTHES - STYLES               Thomas Patton       P9509



"Hey tailor, my suit has a fly in!                          
So therefore, I'm simply not buyin'!                        
I'm a girl, not a guy,                                      
So I don't need a fly --                                    
Of that there can be no denyin'!"                           
                                                            
17007 CLOTHES - STYLES               Observer                 



If you like your suits double-breasted,                     
There's a girl I know who's large-chested;                  
She's a tailor by trade,                                    
But she'd rather get laid--                                 
"To Hell with the suit!" I attested.                        
                                                            
17008 CLOTHES - STYLES               Jim Weaver Collection    



All summer was casual dress;                                
A godsend for me, I confess.                                
It all goes awry                                            
When I don a tie,                                           
With clothes I forgot how to press.                         
                                                            
17009 CLOTHES - STYLES               John Miller 0077         



A tapir who lived in Malay                                  
Was reading the fall styles one day,                        
When he cried with delight,                                 
"My figure's all right:                                     
Tapir waists are the fashion, they say."                    
                                                            
17010 CLOTHES - STYLES               Oliver Herford           



There was a young girl of Coxsaxie,                         
Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.                        
She was fucked at the show,                                 
In the twenty-third row,                                    
And once more going home in the taxi.                       
                                                            
17011 CLOTHES - STYLES               Albin Chaplin 3024  G0045



The girls who infest the South Seas                         
Don't care whether anyone sees                              
The charms that belong                                      
Beneath a sarong --                                         
But just hide them in order to tease.                       
                                                            
17012 CLOTHES - STYLES               Norm Storer              



She pays quite a lot for her clothes,                       
From her hat to the shoes on her toes.                      
The clothes on her bod                                      
Are chic and quite mod.                                     
She attracts several cheap gigolos.                         
                                                            
17013 CLOTHES - STYLES               Al Willis           P9703



So clothes make the man?  You're astute                     
With a knowledgable mind, so acute!                         
So what is the plan                                         
For a fuzzy man?                                            
I know!  Put him in a hirsute!                              
                                                            
17014 CLOTHES - STYLES               Rusty Smith              



"It's not really meant for a man, sir;                      
But sure, I will give you a hand, sir.                      
"Oh yes!" giggled Mandy,                                    
"You do look quite dandy,                                   
In tutu of silk and organza."                               
                                                            
17015 CLOTHES - STYLES               Peter Wilkins            



At a real high-class bash, you have sinned,                 
Minus tux you might as well break big wind.                 
Let them give me the boot,                                  
I won't wear such a suit,                                   
If it means that a penguin gets skinned!                    
                                                            
17016 CLOTHES - STYLES               Allen Wolverton          



A woman named Todpuddle-Twane                               
One day was caught out in the rain.                         
Her clothes shrank to skin tight,                           
And despite all her might,                                  
She never got them off again.                               
                                                            
17017 CLOTHES - STYLES               Warrick Elrod            



Though S. Becket was rarin' to go                           
To the Beau Arts Ball as you might know,                    
His costume effete,                                         
Left his garb incomplete.                                   
Beckett had to wait for his jabot.                          
(jabot - ruffle of lace on shirt front)                     
17018 CLOTHES - STYLES               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9408



For ladies who aim for clothes chic,                        
Beware of the tailor so slick.                              
Since he's careless, it's said,                             
With his needle and thread,                                 
You must keep a sharp eye for his prick.                    
                                                            
17019 CLOTHES - STYLES               Albin Chaplin   3024-1988



Growing older was not my intention.                         
Since I have, though, I feel I must mention:                
Where once flat, I'm now round.                             
In that, the truth I've found                               
Is that clothes are a welcome invention.                    
                                                            
17020 CLOTHES - STYLES               Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



There was a young girl called Ya'el,                        
Who loved to buy clothes at a sale.                         
Never mind the amount,                                      
If there was no discount;                                   
A word she did not know was "retail."                       
                                                            
17021 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



When I come to your party dressed scant-le,                 
And your Trohpy does finally decant-le,                     
I take it with pleasure                                     
To display at my leisure,                                   
Quite prominently up on my mantle.                          
                                                            
17022 CLOTHES - STYLES                                        



A Scotsman from old Aberden                                 
Wore clothes so old they were green.                        
He had good clothes galore                                  
That he just never wore.                                    
I suppose you can think the man mean.                       
                                                            
17023 CLOTHES - STYLES               Spike Mulligan           



A bandleader in a new flashy suit,                          
Said its flashy style's simply called zoot.                 
In front of the band,                                       
He said it was grand.,                                      
He heard some dancers say it was cute.                      
                                                            
17024 CLOTHES - STYLES               Arthur Pattaffy          



To earn a good life is complex                              
And many young lads it does vex.                            
But the way to gain fame                                    
And establish your name,                                    
Is design for the bathroom or sex.                          
                                                            
17025 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Albin Chaplin   3024-2511



Her butch wardrobe was given a rave                         
Notice for being daringly brave.                            
She preferred boxer shorts                                  
To briefs worn by cohorts;                                  
Sporting them outside so they could wave.                   
                                                            
17026 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



The new gown made by Christian Dior                         
Shocked the press, caused a public uproar.                  
The slit in the front                                       
Goes down near the cunt;                                    
It's called Business Suit For a Whore.                      
                                                            
17027 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Thomas M. Patton    P9704



Haute Couturier Sylvian Pesk                                
Showed his Spring line entitled "Finesse."                  
But with all said and done,                                 
All his offerings, save one,                                
Should have probably been named "Grotesque."                
                                                            
17028 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



A couturier, keen as a he-male                              
Always said that he just wouldn't be stale                  
With the superjet kind                                      
And he did never mind                                       
A designer's design on the female.                          
                                                            
17029 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Bill Backe-Hansen   P9703



A young fashion designer named Blair,                       
Who the trade papers said had a flair,                      
A good sense of gravity                                     
Would save one's depravity;                                 
The dress cloth was one metre square.                       
                                                            
17030 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Arthur Pattaffy          



I was certain I'd been put upon                             
When last January, Elton John                               
Wore, for a photo op                                        
Sequined black minus top,                                   
Executed by the Bull's Rodman.                              
                                                            
17031 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



A tailor, by name Terry Lean,                               
Said, "My suits have a beautiful sheen;                     
They wear very well,                                        
In cut they excel,                                          
And they either drip-dry or dry-clean."                     
                                                            
17032 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Harold C Bibby           



I'm thinking of giving up fashion.                          
Too much skin that I'm not fond of flashin'.                
I'll no longer pay                                          
For an extravagant way                                      
For the faggot designers to cash in.                        
                                                            
17033 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   J. Hudson                



The greatest achievement of Gucci--                         
The clothes for the dance, HOOCHIE COOCHIE,                 
Then down hill Gucci went.                                  
His last years were spent                                   
On apparel for folks eating sushi.                          
                                                            
17034 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Irving Superior     P9702



The designer's new range was in leather,                    
But somehow, it did not go together.                        
After his autumn show,                                      
Critics said he should know                                 
That he'd come to the end of his tether.                    
                                                            
17035 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Arthur Pattaffy          



The fashion kings raised a few frowns,                      
When they showed off the new season's gowns.                
Mini skirts, plunging tops,                                 
Were not right for the shops;                               
Certain kings will soon lose their crowns!                  
                                                            
17036 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Arthur Pattaffy          



A young fashion designer from Ealing                        
Designed clothes that were rather revealing.                
His latest collection                                       
Was withdrawn for correction,                               
As blood in critics' veins was congealing.                  
                                                            
17037 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Arthur Pattaffy          



Said the men's wear designer, Z. Zuave,                     
"At your workpolace this summer be suave.                   
Just toss back your hair                                    
And stride in without care                                  
In your rhinestoned thong jockstrap in mauve."              
                                                            
17038 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



The new fashions in Paris were sleek,                       
Except one gown which looked like a freak.                  
The designer in question                                    
Embraced the suggestion                                     
That they call the new style "Tongue in Chic."              
                                                            
17039 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   A. N. Wilkins       P9206



A famed London tailor named Quested                         
Bragged, "We've never equalled nor bested;                  
Even men with three tits                                    
Get guaranteed fits --                                      
We just make the suits triple breasted."                    
                                                            
17040 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Armand E Singer       732



Today Monsieur Yves St Laurent                              
Said he'll no longer be au courant.                         
Au Revoir to his patrons,                                   
Mistresses, matrons --                                      
Women with big bucks to flaunt.                             
                                                            
17041 CLOTHES - STYLES - DESIGNERS   Dr Limerick  01-07-02    



The Oscars and Emmys disclose                               
What's the latest in designer clothes.                      
The best of the best                                        
Will focus the breast                                       
'Cause that's where the cameraman slows.                    
(It should be renamed Show Of Shows.)                       
17042 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Irving Superior     P9703



When neither to either comes close,                         
With space for De Bergerac's nose.                          
Which keeps the M.C. on his toes,                           
With "Ahs" overwhelming the "Ohs."                          
It should be renamed Show of Shows.                         
                                                            
17043 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Are buttons boring and humble?                              
Or there to make you men fumble?                            
Prolonging the leisure                                      
Thus heightening the pleasure                               
For us women, when taking a tumble.                         
                                                            
17044 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Joie de Vivre            



A button can be so erotical,                                
On garments sheer and exotical.                             
Down the front of a dress                                   
They can help a caress                                      
Or for purposes simply more practical.                      
                                                            
17045 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Joie de Vivre            



Oh please do not think I'm a prude.                         
Though some people think it is rude                         
To put on display                                           
Their flesh every day;                                      
I'll keep some of mine firmly glued!                        
                                                            
17046 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Joie de Vivre            



Perhaps buttons hold men at bay?                            
Or maybe they give us more say                              
In deciding just who                                        
We want to undo                                             
Them. "Oh good -- is it your turn today?"                   
                                                            
17047 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Joie de Vivre            



Poor Erica Jong had no luck                                 
Pursuing the rare zipless fuck.                             
Now I would suggest                                         
We get you undressed                                        
With one mighty dress-rending shuck!                        
                                                            
17048 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      H Whelchel               



My son started a new job this week                          
And could no longer dress university geek.                  
He looked quite sartorial;                                  
His shirt and tie memorial,                                 
And his new shoes had quite a loud squeak.                  
                                                            
17049 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Eddy                     



Another sell-out to the mainstream;                         
A quest for the middleclass dream;                          
Suburban house,                                             
2.5 kids and spouse,                                        
But the TIE?  Me-oh-my!  Did he scream?                     
                                                            
17050 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Karen                    



As for his bonny new threads,                               
(As a pun, it's among thoroughbreds!)                       
We'll develop a few                                         
For your son and for you...                                 
Just keep him from wearing kids' Keds!                      
                                                            
17051 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tutta Gioia              



Launched is your son on his life;                           
Soon, if not now, with a wife                               
Who'll take care of him,                                    
Keep him in trim,                                           
And love him while both cope with strife.                   
                                                            
17052 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tutta Gioia              



I watched the Discovery Channel                             
And learned the Egyptians said: "Flannel                    
That's made from pure flax                                  
Will cover the cracks                                       
Of ladies, but not like a tan'll.                           
                                                            
17053 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



If cracks are all covered with cloth,                       
Then ladies should watch out for the moth;                  
For moths are well known                                    
To home on the zone                                         
Where sexual actions cause froth.                           
                                                            
17054 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Richard Jean             



Now girls, in the old-fashioned days,                       
Wore petticoats, bloomers, and stays.                       
It must be tough, he stated,                                
They were penetrated;                                       
We're here, so they must have had ways.                     
                                                            
17055 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Their bodies, now girls don't restrain,                     
'Cause guys would too often refrain                         
From tackling the hurdles                                   
Of corsets and girdles,                                     
With fastenings monstrous arcane.                           
                                                            
17056 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



The lacing!  The whalebone stay!                            
No petticoats in disarray.                                  
No zippers, no snaps,                                       
Those clothes were all traps                                
To keep men from getting away.                              
                                                            
17057 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Marlene Lewis            



The laces and whalebone stays                               
Or Wonderbras of nowadays --                                
They're all quite entisic                                   
To our buddy Isaac                                          
Who Asimov with trifling delays.                            
                                                            
17058 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Dr Limerick              



In olden days, they found a glimpse                         
Of stocking caused he-men and wimps,                        
To get quite inflamed,                                      
And they couldn't be blamed                                 
For acting like sex-hungry chimps.                          
                                                            
17059 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



But nowadays, little is hidden;                             
No lure of the strictly forbidden.                          
But am I depressed                                          
By young ladies undressed?                                  
I am! (But really, I'm kiddin'.)                            
                                                            
17060 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



What's wrong with this clothing of mine?                    
The trousers, bought in '69                                 
Cause giggles and stares                                    
Because of their flares.                                    
Old bottles will do for old wine.                           
                                                            
17061 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



I think your old clothes are quite nice --                  
They're clean and you do not have lice.                     
Seams ready to rip;                                         
I'll get a good grip,                                       
And I'll have them off in a trice!                          
                                                            
17062 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Marlene Lewis            



But then, I would have to buy more,                         
'Cause surely, by then they'll have tore.                   
You've motives ulterior,                                    
Not to view my posterior,                                   
But you part-own the local clothes store.                   
                                                            
17063 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



While walking 'cross campus one morn,                       
A whistle came at me -- no warn-                            
Ing.  I whipped 'round to see                               
Who was whistling at me;                                    
Now my train of thought's tracks are all torn.              
                                                            
17064 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES                               



That's no way to address someone you                        
Don't know from Adam.  Get a clue!                          
Some big clown in a suit --                                 
Though he seemed kinda cute,                                
(Didn't know he was someone I knew).                        
                                                            
17065 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES                               



Came closer to look.  Dear God!  Joe!                       
In a suit and tie?  How's this so?                          
Is this some sort of trap?                                  
Where's your bicycle cap?                                   
Better still, where's my hug?...You must know               
                                                            
17066 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES                               



Clothes can cause a great deal of deception                 
And while they shouldn't change your reception              
Of a friend who is dear,                                    
I still admit here:                                         
They screw around with your perception.                     
                                                            
17067 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES                               



There once was an Indian maid,                              
A tanner of leather by trade.                               
She said she was tough,                                     
But I buffed on her muff,                                   
And stroked her until she was suede.                        
                                                            
17068 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Jeanie Taylor            



An Indian maiden was jaded                                  
From all the old cowpokes and faded                         
Drunk caballeros                                            
Who gave her their arrows...                                
I'm glad that you got her per-sueded.                       
                                                            
17069 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Jeanie Taylor            



The Indian maidens I've tried,                              
With kinky sex they will abide.                             
When I gave them spanks                                     
They are full of thanks;                                    
They love it when I tan their hide.                         
                                                            
17070 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



Today we're enjoying fine weather,                          
There's no need to wear my black leather.                   
It's sunny and warm,                                        
In sight there's no storm,                                  
So I'll just wear this purple feather.                      
                                                            
17071 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES                               



My boas, they come from fine stock,                         
My own personal feather flock.                              
This feathery fan,                                          
Will please any man,                                        
Especially my favorite P-cock.                              
                                                            
17072 CLOTHES - STYLES - SERIES                               



Of bathing suits, a thong must be king;                     
Its made from some cloth and some string.                   
Designed to be tiny                                         
And show off one's hiney,                                   
But what an uncomfortable thing!                            
                                                            
17073 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Jim Weaver Collection    



I don't like things wedged 'twixt my cheeks;                
Mine's been there for two or three weeks.                   
I can't pry it loose                                        
A perpetual 'goose,'                                        
Though it seems to have stopped all the leaks!              
                                                            
17074 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Jim Weaver Collection    



The guys all beware of romance                              
With a young secretary named Nance.                         
They're afraid her Bikini                                   
Will sizzle their weenie,                                   
'Cause she's said to have very hot pants.                   
                                                            
17075 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Pierce Evans             



There was a young lady named Jeanie                         
Who wore an outrageous bikini;                              
Two wisps light as air,                                     
One her and one there,                                      
With nothing but Jeanie betweenie.                          
                                                            
17076 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Ogden Nash          P9404



Bikinis bestow, at their best                               
Additional shape to the chest.                              
But sometimes they hide                                     
So little divide,                                           
Their wearer's at risk of arrest.                           
                                                            
17077 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Nick                     



Of swimming things NATATORIAL,                              
That bikini is not too sartorial.                           
Fabric skimpingly                                           
Suits me swimmingly,                                        
From my perch, a limb arboreal.                             
                                                            
17078 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Daniel Ford              



As they lay in the sun at Chennini,                         
He said, "Surely a garment so teeny                         
And foreign to Venus                                        
Should not come between us?                                 
So why not remove your bikini?"                             
                                                            
17079 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Harold C Bibby         P9



The chief delectation of summer                             
Is that clothing becomes minimummer                         
And my wife's derriere                                      
Is bikinied or bare;                                        
Tights ensphering her rear don't become her.                
                                                            
17080 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Don Barnard              



Now that thong beachwear has hit a peak,                    
If I may make so bold, so to speak;                         
Some go out of their way,                                   
As the British might say,                                   
To display more than a bit of cheek.                        
                                                            
17081 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Loren Fitzhugh           



A cocky young man from Toledo                               
Was embarrassed by his lengthy torpedo.                     
Gym shorts -- implausible!                                  
Biker's -- impossible!                                      
And don't even mention a speedo!                            
                                                            
17082 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Stiffy Joe               



Some swim suits are quite a disgrace.                       
One can hardly remember a face.                             
Nearly everything's bare;                                   
(As much as they dare)                                      
And imagining's quite commonplace.                          
                                                            
17083 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



For swimwear, I live by this credo:                         
I'll not wear a thong or a speedo.                          
Because if girls saw me,                                    
They'd all want to paw me;                                  
I don't want to make them stampedo!                         
                                                            
17084 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Travis Brasell           



There was a young girl in Havana                            
Who wore only a yellow bandana.                             
It would just barely hide                                   
Either breasts or backside,                                 
So she looked like a half peeled banana.                    
                                                            
17085 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Lims For The EruditeP0205



A bird-watcher down on Par Sands                            
Was confused and could not understand,                      
How the birds he was spottin'                               
Could get such a lot in                                     
A bathing suit made of two strands!                         
                                                            
17086 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Cornish Times contest '97



A bonny young girl name of Heather                          
Wears tiny bikinis of leather;                              
In fact she wears barely                                    
Naught else and then rarely                                 
The top and the nether together.                            
                                                            
17087 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



I will start with a delicate cough,                         
And then a polite little scoff.                             
'Cause in waves one day                                     
As I was swam away,                                         
My bikini just fell right off!                              
                                                            
17088 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



A sheeny young Genie named Sweeney                          
Once invented a magic bikini                                
For seduction, I'm told,                                    
But the idea was old,                                       
First thought of by Harry Houdini.                          
                                                            
17089 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Her wee NATATORIAL suit                                     
Was noticed by male friend astute;                          
It barely covered                                           
The spots that he'd lovered                                 
And left him with yearnings acute.                          
                                                            
17090 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Chris Papa               



I look forward to summer; It's grand!                       
With the ocean, the sun and the sand,                       
And toothsome young lasses                                  
With nearly bare asses;                                     
I bet that I get some, off hand.                            
                                                            
17091 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           John Miller 0254         



Campbellford's know for its river.                          
"The" restaurant serves only liver.                         
But boy, are they sweet,                                    
The girls that you meet;                                    
Those tiny red thongs make me quiver.                       
                                                            
17092 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Dudesdead                



A girl on the beach with face sweet;                        
I watch as she makes her retreat.                           
When viewed from the rear,                                  
It's perfectly clear                                        
That thongs should be on a girl's feet.                     
                                                            
17093 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Ron Sartain              



There once was a man from Toledo,                           
Who came to the beach in tuxedo.                            
He got on the sand,                                         
Then stripped it off and                                    
Realized that he'd left off his speedo.                     
                                                            
17094 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Jon Gearhart             



As the World Monarch, one of my creedos                     
In Ohio, Spain, both Toledos,                               
"Obese men are shot dead                                    
With one round in the head                                  
For appearing in public in Speedos."                        
                                                            
17095 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



There was a young girl called Elyse;                        
On the beach always wore a one-piece.                       
With a figure like hers,                                    
She drew whistles and purrs,                                
And brought many young men to their knees.                  
                                                            
17096 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Arthur Pattaffy          



I once wore my jock to the beach                            
(With nowt but my boots -- foot in each,)                   
Where, at a convention                                      
For 'Hanging Prevention,'                                   
I gave a long, helluva speech.                              
                                                            
17097 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



At fashionable beach resort, LIDO,                          
It seems to be gigolo credo                                 
To convince each Miss                                       
Of what she would miss,                                     
If he's not soon out of his Speedo.                         
                                                            
17098 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Daniel Ford              



She was a beauty -- and photogenic,                         
To men she was pyrogenic.                                   
When out on a shoot                                         
For a new bathing suit,                                     
She was an attraction most scenic.                          
                                                            
17099 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Arthur Pattaffy          



Just look at that girl's red bikini!                        
Her waist is so perfect and teenie.                         
I love how it sits                                          
On her hipses and tits.                                     
All I need now's a dry gin martini.                         
                                                            
17100 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



Among the social indiscreets:                               
Bikini's holding just half the teats.                       
And wisps of hair                                           
From the bottom-wear,                                       
And threadbare where the cheek/cheek meets.                 
                                                            
17101 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Irving Superior     P9804



There once was a guy from Toledo                            
Who strained as he put on his speedo.                       
He finally suceeded,                                        
But later conceded,                                         
"The damn thing, it kills my libido!"                       
                                                            
17102 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



Damn Speedos turn certain parts bluish,                     
Especially if tight and quite newish.                       
To make things worse yet,                                   
Once they are all wet,                                      
The white ones will show if you're Jewish.                  
                                                            
17103 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Frank Fazed              



As for my part, Heaven just knows                           
I love seeing guys in Speedos.                              
Wouldn't mind indulging                                     
In what ever is bulging,                                    
Delighting in whatever grows.                               
                                                            
17104 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Ardens                   



I just love the surf and the sun;                           
The beach offers all kinds of fun.                          
And guys wearing Speedos                                    
Improve our libidos --                                      
Summer's hot, in more ways than one!                        
                                                            
17105 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Kaylin Brandon           



Her shorts were a string with protection,                   
Her halter escaped my detection,                            
And she thought it cute                                     
That so small a suit                                        
Should give rise to so huge an erection.                    
                                                            
17106 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Laurence Perrine    P8303



Poor Alice hadn't a thing                                   
To wear to the beach in the spring.                         
She went in and swam                                        
Wearing only a yam,                                         
And two Dixie cups and a string.                            
                                                            
17107 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



Flamingoes, storks, hooded cranes, each,                    
Has elegant vertical reach.                                 
But none has the beauty                                     
Of a swimsuit-clad cutie,                                   
The long-legged bird on the beach.                          
                                                            
17108 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Tiddy Ogg                



The top of bikini is teeny;                                 
Far more modest is the TANKINI.                             
My advice on this matter                                    
Is to wear the latter,                                      
If your bust looks like a pair of blini.  (Russian pancakes)
                                                            
17109 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Norm Brust               



Your stylist is just an old meanie                          
For shaping your locks like a 'beanie'.                     
But when you go swim,                                       
Your cute little quim                                       
Will flatter your teeny bikini.                             
                                                            
17110 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Travis Brasell           



Until last year I loved my linguini,                        
More that fitting into my bikini.                           
Diet's caused a decrease;                                   
Now I wear a two piece;                                     
True bikinis are too teeny-weeny.                           
                                                            
17111 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Jenni Saqua              



I confess I did ogle the maids                              
And eventually removed my shades                            
When I saw their beachwear                                  
Designed by Claude Pierre                                   
Was three Band-Aids in soft pastel shades.                  
                                                            
17112 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



That modest young lady, Yvette,                             
Is the belle of the sunbathing set;                         
And her suit has been made--                                
So her charms are displayed--                               
Of three beads and a square foot of net.                    
                                                            
17113 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Prob Dear Hen MillerP9701



Beautiful Julie McFeeney                                    
Hit the beach in a skinny bikini.                           
It was terribly small,                                      
Almost nothing at all,                                      
And it just barely hid his small weenie.                    
                                                            
17114 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           MrMalo                   



On the beach, a young girl of New York,                     
Wore a swim suit that made mens' necks torque.              
Though to call it a suit                                    
Is a point that is moot,                                    
Being just two Band Aids and a cork.                        
                                                            
17115 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH           Don Moore           P9703



In a bikini from old Martinique,                            
At the beach she looked really chic.                        
But after her swim,                                         
It was hard to be prim                                      
'Cause her suit had lost it's mystique.                     
                                                            
17116 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



There she swam in the sea of monsoons,                      
Being laughed and applauded by goons,                       
For the tides threw a twist                                 
On the waters they kissed,                                  
And the earth had acquired two moons.                       
                                                            
17117 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



My local says there's nothing wrong                         
With  barwomen  wearing  a  thong,                          
Though they would look cute                                 
Inside  a  swimsuit,                                        
The beer wouldn't taste quite so strong                     
                                                            
17118 CLOTHES - SWIM/BEACH                                    



My anorak was Idid Amin's;                                  
My corset was H.M. the Queen's.                             
My large wonderbra                                          
Once belonged to the Shah,                                  
And these are Bill Clinton's jeans.                         
                                                            
17119 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Bill Wall                



There once was a man from France                            
Who liked to take off his pants.                            
He pulled down his shorts                                   
And showed all his warts,                                   
And that's when we saw all the ants.                        
                                                            
17120 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Lims For Year - 01       



Though I walked around town endless blocks,                 
And searched haberdashery stocks,                           
I couldn't find any stuff                                   
To make a ball muff,                                        
And nothing like sweaters for cocks.                        
                                                            
17121 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                G2261



It was style in men's clothing, my friends,                 
That sank poor Bob Dole with its trends.                    
When Hanes asked would-be chiefs                            
"You wear boxers or briefs?"                                
Bob replied, with a long pause, "Depends."                  
                                                            
17122 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Vassar Smith        P9611



The boxer, for me, is the thing,                            
Although, truth be said, a large sling                      
Would give me more traction                                 
And tone down the action,                                   
When running a race makes them swing.                       
                                                            
17123 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



That said, I prefer all the room.                           
My fruit, unincumbered, may loom                            
At semi-attention                                           
And garner a mention,                                       
Whenever full stiffie doth bloom.                           
                                                            
17124 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



A jockey-brief wearer was grumpy,                           
Each time that he felt a bit humpy;                         
Briefs fit to perfection.                                   
But sudden erection                                         
Would make them appear rather lumpy.                        
                                                            
17125 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Ann Gasser          P8803



A FBI agent named Fox                                       
Has learned to take many hard knocks.                       
"For protection," he said.                                  
"Against unwanted lead,                                     
I've a wardrobe of bulletproof jocks."                      
                                                            
17126 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Michael Weinstein   P8802



When one wants to purchase a teddy,                         
One really must get oneself ready.                          
A fluff of the hair,                                        
Up here and down there,                                     
And perhaps a quick fling with my Freddie.                  
                                                            
17127 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Boy Pilot                



A stylish fellow named Vince                                
Had jockey shorts made of fine chintz.                      
He went for an exam,                                        
And the doctor said, "Damn!                                 
You must, now and then, give them a rinse."                 
                                                            
17128 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Bob Giandomenico    P0308



At a dance, a young girl from Connecticut                   
Showed an absolute absence of etiquette,                    
Letting all comers press                                    
Through the skirt of her dress,                             
And wiping the mess with her petticoat.                     
                                                            
17129 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Jim Weaver Collection    



Neither boxers nor briefs do I wear                         
For they simply don't give enough air.                      
I leave my cock dangling                                    
And my balls, a jangling;                                   
Free also is my derriere.                                   
                                                            
17130 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



No matter the size of my erection,                          
One can't be sure, 'cept by inspection.                     
It scoots 'round my waist,                                  
And should it leak paste --                                 
They're absorbent in any direction!                         
                                                            
17131 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



"I've a fetish for jockstraps," Miss Nunn                   
Told her brother, "I must have a ton.                       
On the other hand, Paul,                                    
I have no use at all                                        
For the putzes that go inside one."                         
                                                            
17132 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Michael Weinstein   P8708



When corsets were squeezingly laced                         
And feminine buttocks were graced                           
With prominent bustles                                      
And ladies had muscles,                                     
The buxom were chased and embraced.                         
                                                            
17133 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            R. J. Winkler       P8405



Although it's not easy to feature                           
Lingerie that's endorsed by a preacher,                     
The adman was brash                                         
And produced enough cash                                    
To do business with Henry Ward Beecher.                     
                                                            
17134 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            A. N. Wilkins       P8802



Once a pretty young woman named Marjorie,                   
Having dinner with a potagerie,                             
Had soup-stained her dress,                                 
And without much distress,                                  
Took it off, and ate on in her lingerie.                    
(potagerie - garden vegetables and herbs)                   
17135 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Isaac Asimov             



Bugs went down to Milli Pede's house and                    
Removed her long skirt and her blouse and                   
Then five hundred pair                                      
Of silk underwear                                           
And stockings which numbered a thousand.                    
                                                            
17136 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Travis Brasell           



Two boys ran far far away;                                  
I guess they had wanted to play,                            
Soccer or hockey.                                           
They both had on jockeys,                                   
I forget what I wanted to say...                            
                                                            
17137 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



Psychotic Suzanne, a real dip,                              
Found group session swinging a pip.                         
After balling them all,                                     
Plus the shrink, name of Paul,                              
She put on her Freudian slip!                               
                                                            
17138 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            John Dohner         P8802



A lewd and libidinous quip                                  
On a T-shirt can really be hip.                             
But what truly is great,                                    
Is to find on a date                                        
That she's wearing a Freudian slip.                         
                                                            
17139 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Don Moore                



My cock's getting hard as a rock                            
As I dream of you wearing that frock,                       
Which covers so little                                      
On back, front, and middle;                                 
Oh, damn!  I just shattered my jock!                        
                                                            
17140 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



There was a pure lady of Stame                              
Who resolved to live quite free of blame.                   
She wore four pairs of drawers,                             
And of petticoats scores,                                   
But was fucked in the end just the same.                    
                                                            
17141 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                G2520



Found boxers to be such a drag on,                          
And briefs, e'er so tight, were a nag on;                   
So neither I wear,                                          
Just leave my cock bare,                                    
And carry it in a large wagon!                              
                                                            
17142 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



When there's proof that I'm losing my hair,                 
And the kids rush to get me a chair,                        
I'll never admit                                            
That my plumbing has quit,                                  
But I did buy some long underwear.                          
                                                            
17143 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Al Willis                



She looked at her suitor askance,                           
"You said you'd get into my pants.                          
If I knew you meant wear                                    
I'd have bought you a pair                                  
And take off my bra you old nance."                         
                                                            
17144 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Arnie               P0110



She's just donned her black lace and hose,                  
And it's off to the church house she goes.                  
The dress is quite proper,                                  
But that doesn't stop her.                                  
What's under, just God and her knows.                       
                                                            
17145 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Robyn                    



It's really a bit of a shit                                 
Finding nether-type garments to fit                         
Me, which don't show unduly                                 
My member unruly,                                           
Or fail to contain it and split.                            
                                                            
17146 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



I once strapped it down to my thigh                         
And it worked 'til a young gal came nigh.                   
Then it grew like a tree;                                   
I could not bend my knee,                                   
But could only just hobble on by.                           
                                                            
17147 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



When the quarterback called it all crap,                    
The incident cause quite a flap.                            
Since the Mses got cheers                                   
When burned their brassieres,                               
He proceeded to burn his jock strap.                        
                                                            
17148 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            A. N. Wilkins       P8802



All hail to the fellow named Trent,                         
Invented the Jockey Short vent.                             
And now dusk to dawn                                        
Trent's now working on                                      
A vent for a left handed gent.                              
                                                            
17149 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Irving Superior     P8802



There's nothing as fine as a tighty.                        
They come in chartreuse, black, or whitey.                  
At three sizes small,                                       
In schoolyard and hall,                                     
They camouflage long, stout, and mighty.                    
                                                            
17150 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



For my job I was set an assignment:                         
"What's best for excitement confinement?"                   
I tried out the rest,                                       
But I find that the best                                    
Ones are briefs with the proper alignment.                  
                                                            
17151 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Jim Weaver Collection    



I also tried nothing at all                                 
Which resulted in "tenting" appall-                         
ing whenever my thoughts                                    
Turned to genital sports.                                   
(But I guess it's OK if you're small.)                      
                                                            
17152 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Jim Weaver Collection    



A lovely young damsel, Miss Twitting,                       
Athletic supporters keeps knitting,                         
Then gives them away                                        
In hopes that one day                                       
Her hero comes in for a fitting.                            
                                                            
17153 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Irving Superior     P8802



A cast iron stomach has Krantz,                             
Discovered this fact quite by chance.                       
While putting away                                          
His laundry one day,                                        
He noticed some rust in his pants                           
                                                            
17154 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Irving Superior     P8802



A thoughtful young fellow named Wright                      
Bought his wife a long nightgown of white.                  
It was fur-trimmed below                                    
Which was quite apropos                                     
For keeping her neck warm at night.                         
                                                            
17155 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Bob Giandomenico    P8802



There once was a fellow called Keith                        
Who wore nothing at all underneath.                         
When asked was this wise,                                   
For a man of his size,                                      
He muttered abuse through clenched teeth.                   
                                                            
17156 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Michael Palin            



I'm sleeping sans jammies again;                            
It's awkward this time of year when                         
The night is too hot.                                       
By morning it's not,                                        
So I put my jammies on then.                                
                                                            
17157 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Marlene Lewis            



Let us outlaw the panty girdle,                             
The world's most time consuming hurdle.                     
Before we gain access                                       
'Twixt the strain and the stress,                           
Our lubricating liquids curdle.                             
                                                            
17158 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Irving Superior     P8802



A pickpocket once picked a pair                             
Of shorts, to relieve of their wares.                       
His hand slipped inside,                                    
But he jumped back and cried,                               
"My God! Something's growing in there!"                     
                                                            
17159 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Jim Weaver Collection    



On Sunday, the Reverend Lynching                            
At the alter was squirming and flinching;                   
It was not due to stress                                    
Or to nervous duress,                                       
But the Fruit-Of_the-Looms that were pinching.              
                                                            
17160 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Cap'n Bean          P0202



A western professor of drama                                
Had freshmen withdrawing in trauma.                         
Though his lessons were fraught                             
With tough, critical thought,                               
He taught in a hot pink pajama.                             
                                                            
17161 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Roger Houston            



There was a brave girl of Connecticut,                      
Who signaled her train with her petticut,                   
Which the papers defined                                    
As presence of mind,                                        
But deplorable absence of etticut.                          
                                                            
17162 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Ogden Nash               



Sir, that fine Mr. Wilkins                                  
Once told me he wore only silk 'uns;                        
To slide in and out,                                        
So smoothly, without                                        
A drop of it lost when he's milkin'.                        
                                                            
17163 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



A snobby old monarch, named Rex,                            
Wore under his ermine, spandex.                             
"I don't feel just right                                    
Unless things are tight,                                    
When really well hung below decks."                         
                                                            
17164 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



Between massive thighs and below hips,                      
The ladies look on when he strips.                          
And those who were bold                                     
Would clamour to hold                                       
The cargo he carried 'midships.                             
                                                            
17165 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



I guess he's not really a king --                           
He's more of an admiral-thing.                              
But we call him sire                                        
Because we admire                                           
What's held up by his anchor-ring.                          
                                                            
17166 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



There was an old man from Sausalito,                        
Who liked to run 'round in his Speedo.                      
It slid up his crack,                                       
And pinched his nut-sack,                                   
Made him jump around like Chester-Cheeto!                   
                                                            
17167 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



In my boyhood town of Mobile,                               
A man like this was for real.                               
He sold for a snack                                         
His nuts in a sack,                                         
Then would dance on the street for a bill.                  
                                                            
17168 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



My message to a very nice girl;                             
My laundry slave, her name is Shirl.                        
No need to bicker                                           
When washing my knickers,                                   
Just beware the stain colored pearl.                        
                                                            
17169 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Jim Weaver Collection    



When engaging in labor disputes,                            
We called on our cutest recruits.                           
Their method was striking                                   
And quite to my liking.                                     
They sued in their old union suits.                         
                                                            
17170 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Laurence Perrine    P8610



You found someone wearing my undies?                        
They've been missing for several Sundays.                   
I have not been baring                                      
My butt -- I've been wearing                                
My new next-door neighbor, Ted Bundy's.                     
(Ted Bundy - infamous serial killer in U.S. 1980's)         
17171 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Marlene Lewis            



The sex show was the usual fare;                            
The Chicken and Donkey were there.                          
A Yak in a girdle                                           
A Raccoon fucked a turtle,                                  
And the Hippo in thong underwear.                           
                                                            
17172 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            John Chastaine           



Said a six foot beauty named Sharon,                        
"I hate clothes made by Donna Karan.                        
They're made too small                                      
For girls this tall,                                        
So they show the underwear I'm wearin'."                    
                                                            
17173 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Thomas M. Patton    P9704



Poor Chuck had his underpants twisted.                      
"I can't whang it out", he insisted.                        
He struggled in vain                                        
In the loo under strain,                                    
'Til exhausted, he tearfully piss it.                       
                                                            
17174 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



Last heard from Sexy Vic:                                   
When she visited one Nick,                                  
The guys all arose                                          
When she lost her clothes,                                  
And found a 'finger' to lick.                               
                                                            
17175 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



There once was that sexy Victoria                           
Whose 'secrets' created euphoria.                           
When she thus revealed,                                     
The gals unconcealed                                        
Look better from Perth to Peoria.                           
                                                            
17176 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR                                     



For boxers are loose and they show                          
Quite a bulge in my pants when I grow;                      
And those thongs, I suppose,                                
Are for posing one's hose                                   
And leave zero protection below.                            
                                                            
17177 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Peter Wilkins            



No matter what you start to wear,                           
When I catch you, your ass will be bare;                    
And so will your pole                                       
Once you and I roll                                         
In the hay, on the floor, everywhere!                       
                                                            
17178 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Ardens                   



Those briefs would be best if you doff,                     
Before we begin to boff                                     
Over here, over there,                                      
Bent over the back stair,                                   
Until it goes finally soft.                                 
                                                            
17179 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Arden                    



A Frenchman by name of Pierre                               
Had a bulge in his underwear.                               
His girl said, "What's this?"                               
He replied, "You mean dis?                                  
I sink eet is called Debonair!"                             
                                                            
17180 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Jim Weaver Collection    



A strapping young man from Connecticut                      
Got a lesson in sexual etiquette:                           
It's not titillating                                        
While you are X-rating,                                     
To be nipping away at a petticut.                           
                                                            
17181 CLOTHES - UNDERWEAR            Jim Weaver Collection    



Mispronouncing's a sure thing to bore us,                   
So let's shout it out, all in a chorus:                     
Please don't talk like a twit                               
When you chat re: your clit --                              
It's not clit-orris, girls, it's cli-TOR-iss.               
                                                            
17182 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Robin K. Willoughby P8311



And, when that news has risen to greet us,                  
Newt, you'd speak of the conjugal feat; hus-                
tle off to your OED                                         
And you'll find that it's said                              
Not as koi-tus, my dears, but ko-e-tus.                     
                                                            
17183 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Robin K. Willoughby P8311



A coed from U. South Dakota,                                
Collected a clutch of male scrota.                          
The hairy old hide,                                         
She opened and dried,                                       
And the contents she used for pelota.                       
                                                            
17184 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS                           G2511



The girls who attend BYU, (Frigham Young University, Utah)  
Would not know what to make of you!                         
Too manly, by half,                                         
Now please do not laugh;                                    
There man-eating cougars starve -- True!                    
(there, men are men and half the women are too!)            
17185 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Marty                    



These rumors that clearly appals                            
You, are scribbled on Maude's Back Room walls;              
Some are echoed 'cross valleys.                             
And whispered in alleys,                                    
But mostly scratched on restroom stalls.                    
                                                            
17186 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Travis Brasell           



Most coeds think I'm a conundrum;                           
However, they like me to fundr'um,                          
When they need some cash                                    
For some college bash --                                    
But they like me best to lie undr'um.                       
                                                            
17187 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Travis Brasell           



An engineer from MIT                                        
Found he could not complete his degree.                     
"If I can't integrate,                                      
Then I can't graduate.                                      
My advisor will never agree!"                               
                                                            
17188 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Jane Swanson             



A maiden at college, Miss Keyes,                            
Weighed down by B.A.'s and M.D.'s,                          
Collapsed from the strain.                                  
Said her doctor, "It's plain                                
You are killing yourself, by degrees."                      
                                                            
17189 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Mrs Warren               



I had hopes of becoming a doctor.                           
My advisor said this news sure shocked her.                 
She said, "Toots, your acumen                               
Is barely sub-human!"                                       
It made me so mad, I cold-cocked her.                       
                                                            
17190 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Robin K. Willoughby P8311



There once was a student engineer,                          
Who found at the end of the year,                           
That her courses made sense,                                
But she was so dense,                                       
She still took her exams in fear.                           
                                                            
17191 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Jim Weaver Collection    



"We are ladies here at Sweet Briar,"                        
The dean told the girls. "We require                        
That you peddle your ass,                                   
If you must, outside class,                                 
And, at all times, in formal attire."                       
                                                            
17192 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS                                



There was a young lady from Bonner,                         
Who decided she needed no honor.                            
She laid down on her back,                                  
And threw open her crack,                                   
And the whole football team jumped upon her.                
                                                            
17193 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Greg                     



Arriving back late for the class,                           
The prof took a piece of my ass,                            
Saying, "Where were you, Bill?"                             
"On top of Rose Hill,                                       
And she's quite a gifted young lass."                       
                                                            
17194 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Funny Bone               



A coed with round heels was Pam                             
Who would spread for a joint or a gram.                     
With guys by the swarm,                                     
She'd bone up the dorm                                      
And exclaim, "What a great way to cram."                    
                                                            
17195 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Bob Giandomenico    P8801



Up in Cambridge, Lib 'Cliffies discard,                     
Any pretense of being on guard.                             
Though the Harvards deny it,                                
Their saltpeter diet,                                       
Makes it hard to get hard in the Yard.                      
                                                            
17196 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS                                



My girlfriend had asked me to aid her                       
In choosing a lenient grader.                               
Asked if she'd picked a keen one,                           
I said, "No, he's a mean one!                               
Like Attila the Hun plus Darth Vader!"                      
                                                            
17197 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Robin K. Willoughby P8311



At commencement, an angry young co-ed,                      
Was arrested for shouting, "It's no ed!                     
I paid you for Newton,                                      
Bach, Kant, and Rasputin,                                   
But all that you offered was Vo-ed!"                        
(assuming vo-ed is like vo-tech)                            
17198 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Cybergeezer              



"I've been wondering lately somehow,"                       
he said to a coed named Dow,                                
"Could there possibly be                                    
Someone else?"  Answered she,                               
"If there was I'd be out with him now."                     
                                                            
17199 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       A. N. Wilkins       P8405



She enrolled in a college in Chester.                       
And all through her first semester,                         
Not very attractive                                         
Or sexually active,                                         
She could not find a soul to molest her.                    
                                                            
17200 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Dorman John Grace   P9409



A disconsolate coed, Miss Berm,                             
Her failure in math did confirm.                            
She had plans for an "A"--                                  
Fuck the prof every day--                                   
But the prof could not finish the term.                     
                                                            
17201 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Albin Chaplin       P9603



There was a young coed from Knox,                           
Who had no experience with cocks.                           
She dated a sailor                                          
Who started to tail her,                                    
And left her to nurse a sore box.                           
                                                            
17202 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS                           G1571



Her grades were not known for their highness;               
She tried compensating with slyness.                        
She seduced her instructor,                                 
Who gasped as he fucked her,                                
"Okay, you can have a C-."                                  
                                                            
17203 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Lucas Hulp          P9409



At Wellesley, Vassar, and Smith,                            
A common and recurring myth,                                
That a masculine member,                                    
Helps students remember,                                    
Was found without substance or pith.                        
                                                            
17204 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS                                



I once met a coed from Pulaski,                             
Said, "I'll do anything that you ask me...                  
I'll suck and I'll fuck,                                    
Till you've had enough,                                     
Do anything to me, but please pass me!"                     
                                                            
17205 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Big Boy                  



There was a young girl from Bryn Mawr,                      
Who carried politeness too far.                             
"Don't look now,"  she said,                                
With a tilt of her head,                                    
"But someone is stealing your car!"                         
                                                            
17206 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS                                



There was a coed named Nancy;                               
Was a snob who acted too fancy,                             
Till taken down a notch                                     
With a prick in her crotch;                                 
Hooray for the Freshman named Clancy!                       
                                                            
17207 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Laurence Craft           



A certain black freshman from Vassar,                       
When asked would she give some, said, "Yassir;"             
She wasn't no whore                                         
But flunking French 4:                                      
Her prof was the one who could pass her.                    
                                                            
17208 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Armand Singer       P0104



A pretty young coed at Burnaby                              
Would have given her all to return a "B".                   
Which evil was lesser?                                      
Seduce her professor,                                       
Or actually study and earn a "B"?                           
                                                            
17209 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       John E Mayhood      P0900



A coed at Tennesse U.                                       
Slept with every professor she knew;                        
But the second time 'round,                                 
She got really unwound                                      
By a sense of acute 'deja scru'.                            
                                                            
17210 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Norm Storer         P9111



This coed was a cute little thing;                          
A college man gave her his ring.                            
Along with this gesture,                                    
She was fucked by this lecher,                              
Giving birth at the Prom in the Spring!                     
                                                            
17211 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Laurence Craft           



Sorority sisters Sam found                                  
Have requirements and needs which abound                    
It's a heavyweight bout                                     
To make one put out                                         
He'd as soon screw a bitch from the pound                   
                                                            
17212 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



Or a hole in the ground,                                    
Or a fish from the sound,                                   
Or a turkey that's browned                                  
Or the Baskerville Hound                                    
                                                            
                                                            
17213 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Arnie Schoenbrun         



Teresa, Princeton's southern belle,                         
Knew all of the men very well.                              
From away they were led                                     
To the sheets on her bed,                                   
And asked her, "Now what is that smell?"                    
                                                            
17214 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Tom                      



A Southern Cal student named Lily,                          
Made her lovers feel worthless and silly.                   
Once they'd tupped her and come,                            
She'd sit up and chew gum,                                  
And say "Over so soon? Oh gawd, rilly!"                     
                                                            
17215 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS       Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a coed at college named Mary,                       
Who technically still has her cherry.                       
For she claims it's not sin                                 
Till ten inches is in--                                     
Her vagina is very short, very!                             
                                                            
17216 COLLEGE - COEDS - LOSERS                           G1583



"In my studies I'm very sincere,                            
I fuck for the skinny old dear.                             
Cum laude I'll blaze                                        
In arrays of straight-A's                                   
If he lasts till the end of the year."                      
                                                            
17217 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                          G0041



The other girl tittered with glee.                          
"I can see that's the system for me.                        
I'll go through like a dream,                               
Though I'm sure it will seem                                
I've been screwed -- to a certain degree."                  
                                                            
17218 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                          G0042



It's funny the things one remembers,                        
Like sororities back at old Himbers.                        
Disregarding the rule                                       
Clearly set by the school,                                  
They were always accepting male members.                    
                                                            
17219 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Pierce Evans             



Mona was stupid, alas,                                      
But a wow in biology class.                                 
Her primary features                                        
Excited her teachers                                        
Who always allowed her to pass.                             
                                                            
17220 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



She'd slowly unbutton her shirt,                            
In order to show off her pert                               
Little nipples and breasts,                                 
In biology tests,                                           
Before teasingly lifting her skirt.                         
                                                            
17221 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



Then fondle her pencil and write:                           
"I see that your trousers are tight;                        
If you want me to play                                      
Mark this paper Grade A,                                    
And we'll do it like rabbits tonight."                      
                                                            
17222 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



So thus she's earned twenty degrees                         
(University ones if you please).                            
She's Mastered the Arts                                     
Of a gentleman's parts,                                     
Has Maria the Mistress of Sleaze.                           
                                                            
17223 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



Beaver College, in the suburbs of Philly,                   
Found recruitment a battle uphilly.                         
Its name, inter alia,                                       
Means girls genetalia                                       
And on diplomas, it sure did look silly.                    
                                                            
17224 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Dr Limerick  11-20-00    



This buxom young beauty from Folsom,                        
Who's so very much less than wholesome,                     
Has teachers in classes                                     
Who see that she passes;                                    
She fucks some and sucks some and pulls some.               
                                                            
17225 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Jon Gearhart             



My Grandmother fought for the vote,                         
Then my Mother bought gin off the boat.                     
Today, my dear Wife,                                        
Says I've ruined her life,                                  
And my Daughter's applying to Choate.                       
                                                            
17226 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



A modern young maiden at Newnham                            
Wore trousers--but how did she woo in 'em?                  
For friendly caresses                                       
I much prefer dresses;                                      
There's very much more you can do in 'em.                   
(Newnham College of Cambridge)                              
17227 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Harold C. Bibby          



You were so long trying to graduate                         
That I considered myself celibate.                          
Now take off that gown,                                     
We're going to town,                                        
But we won't fuck, we'll fornicate.                         
                                                            
17228 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      S C Saint                



Now your through with scholastic endeavors...               
To a new life as the old one severs.                        
It's never too late                                         
To start fresh at the gate,                                 
Though it took you two fucking-forevers!                    
                                                            
17229 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      MrMalo                   



As you march up to get your sheepskin,                      
I just can't help thinking of sin.                          
And as you graduate,                                        
I'll be glad that you ate                                   
The tip of my rumpled still skin.                           
                                                            
17230 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Irish                    



I'm proud as old Caesar of Roma;                            
You finally got your diploma.                               
I got us some wine;                                         
So give me a sign,                                          
That your ready to come out of your coma.                   
                                                            
17231 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Darren                   



There you stand in your gown of blue;                       
Hell, I thought you'd get through.                          
Now work four or five days                                  
At a real job that pays.                                    
But at fifty? Well God bless you!                           
                                                            
17232 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      S C Saint                



When you graduate, we'll make a fuss.                       
Your persistance rates an A+.                               
Though you waited till later                                
To be a graduator,                                          
As the saying goes, "Gaudeamus!"                            
                                                            
17233 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Irish                    



Miss Smith," said the dean, "I must state,                  
As a scholar, you don't pull much weight.                   
Your math is terrible,                                      
Your physics unbearable,                                    
Though I'd say your physique is first rate."                
(just great)                                                
17234 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



There was a young coed named Esther                         
Who claimed that the frosh could not best her,              
But a freshman, a jester,                                   
With his prick did test her,                                
And he fucked her for one whole semester.                   
                                                            
17235 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Albin Chaplin   3024-0129



I know a cute senior named Cookie;                          
The two of us often play hooky;                             
She likes to cut class,                                     
I'm looking for ass,                                        
To put it more gently: free nooky.                          
                                                            
17236 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Armand E Singer       974



This buxom young beauty from Folsom,                        
Who's so very much less than wholesome,                     
Has teachers in classes                                     
Who see that she passes;                                    
She fuxom and suxom and pulsom.                             
                                                            
17237 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



A young drama student I know                                
Used to sit in the very first row,                          
Where she'd flash the old prof                              
Who would really get off,                                   
And she'd get an A plus for that show.                      
                                                            
17238 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Bob Birch                



Let's ring out the bells, wife, and sing                    
Of this glorious weekday in Spring.                         
'Cause I say graduation                                     
Deserves celebration;                                       
You make me as proud as a king.                             
                                                            
17239 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Peter Wilkins            



Let's wring out my balls, wife, and swing                   
On this glorious weekday in Spring.                         
'Cause I say graduation                                     
Deserves celebration;                                       
Come play with my ding-a-ling thing.                        
                                                            
17240 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Peter Wilkins            



A pretty young girl at my college                           
Was raised with no sexual knowledge.                        
I reached in her pants                                      
And she did quite a dance;                                  
Her hormones she had to acknowledge.                        
                                                            
17241 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a coed at State named Doreen,                       
Who's renowned on the oral-sex scene.                       
Since vibrato, it's said,                                   
Is the crown on her head,                                   
She's been voted the Humcoming Queen.                       
                                                            
17242 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



The first summer course was a peach,                        
And the second -- in fine arts and speech;                  
But the best course of all,                                 
Spring, Summer, or Fall,                                    
Was the intercourse out on the beach.                       
                                                            
17243 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Larry Payne         P8311



Have you looked at this girl Juliet?                        
She's the likeliest candidate yet.                          
If she pledges Phi Chi,                                     
Says this Romeo guy,                                        
We'll have Homecoming Queen a sure bet!                     
                                                            
17244 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Laurence Perrine    P8401



"Some precaution should not be despised,"                   
The old Dean of Students advised.                           
"If the coeds here, friend,                                 
Were all laid end to end,                                   
"I wouldn't" he said, "be surprised."                       
(Somebody should apologise to Dorothy Parker - McW)         
17245 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      A. N. Wilkins       P8311



The Notre Dame chaplain surmised,                           
The faculty should be apprised:                             
If the girls at West Bend                                   
Were laid end to end,                                       
He wouldn't at all be surprised.                            
                                                            
17246 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



There's a very hot babe at the Aggies,                      
Who's to men what to bulls a red flag is.                   
The Seniors go round                                        
Hanging down to the ground,                                 
And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.                   
                                                            
17247 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                          G0235



In a frat house, a girl who was square,                     
Downed a tumbler of Scotch on a dare.                       
She no sooner had finished                                  
That her hang-ups diminished,                               
And she found herself loaded for bare!                      
                                                            
17248 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



There's a popular coed at Yale                              
Who is blessed with the breast of a quail.                  
So she wisely relies                                        
On the prize 'twixt her thighs                              
And proportionate torsion of tail.                          
                                                            
17249 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Krissa Guiness      P8311



At a liberal college of law,                                
Not one of the girls wore a bra;                            
And the faculty men                                         
Stared again and again,                                     
For they truly enjoyed what they saw!                       
                                                            
17250 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Cap'n Bean               



This feminine Master of Arts                                
Is also a mistress of hearts,                               
And for loving inclined                                     
Or for feats of the mind,                                   
Has all of the requisite parts.                             
                                                            
17251 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Larry Payne         P8311



Our chief campus watchdog, Dean Flowers,                    
These days never smiles -- he just glowers.                 
A substantial majority                                      
Of the leading sorority                                     
Have men in their beds at all hours.                        
                                                            
17252 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Armand E Singer       253



A student once had the ambition                             
Of becoming a medical technician.                           
But med schools were so strict,                             
Folks were dying to get picked;                             
So instead she became a mortician.                          
                                                            
17253 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Jen                      



Said a pretty young student from Smith,                     
Whose virtue was largely a myth,                            
"Try hard as I can,                                         
I can't find a man,                                         
Whom it's fun to be virtuous with."                         
                                                            
17254 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Anon                L1538



A coed named Jacqueline Hind                                
Drove college boys out of their mind;                       
She was pretty and bright                                   
And her blouses were tight,                                 
Showing nipples so crisply defined.                         
                                                            
17255 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Cap'n Bean          P0304



There was a young Vassar collegian                          
With exploits in sex that were legion.                      
She could outlast them all                                  
From Berlin to St. Paul,                                    
But she could not outlast a Norwegian.                      
                                                            
17256 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Albin Chaplin   3024-0669



Said a passionate girl from Purdue,                         
To her German professor, Karl Drew,                         
"You think reading Nietzsche                                
Is perfectly peachy,                                        
But, frankly, I'd much rather screw."                       
                                                            
17257 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



'Twas a hot-blooded student of Denver                       
Who developed a passionte yenver                            
A delicious co-ed                                           
Who would murmur in bed,                                    
"There are things that I simply won't stenver."             
                                                            
17258 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Keith MacMillan     A027B



A modest young maid of New Hall                             
Met a man at a fancy dress ball;                            
He said, "Isn't it rude                                     
To be totally nude?"                                        
She replied, "I am Eve ere the Fall."                       
(New Hall of Cambridge)                                     
17259 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Harold C. Bibby          



There was a young lady called Burton,                       
Who outraged the Fellows of Girton,                         
By cycling to town                                          
Without wearing a gown,                                     
And, what's worse, without even a skirt on.                 
                                                            
17260 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



A lass at the foot of her class,                            
Asked a brainier chick how to pass.                         
She replied, "With no fuss                                  
You can get a B-plus,                                       
By letting the prof pat your ass."                          
                                                            
17261 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                          G0040



There once was a co-ed named Clapper,                       
In psychology class, quite a napper.                        
But her Freudian dreams                                     
Were so classic, it seems                                   
That now she's a Phi Beta Kappa.                            
                                                            
17262 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Harvey L. Carter         



I'm going to school in the Fall                             
Though my intellect's terribly small;                       
Since I'm good in Phys Ed,                                  
I can major in Bed;                                         
I can't spell, but I know how to ball!                      
                                                            
17263 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Robin K. Willoughby P8311



There are a few girls in school                             
Who would boff any old fool,                                
But those with the A's                                      
Know who plays,                                             
And boff Professor O'Doul.                                  
                                                            
17264 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Fenderson Parker         



A nimble young lass, name of Loctor,                        
Had a tip for becoming a doctor:                            
"You don't have to cram                                     
For a single exam --                                        
Simply pump the most bribable proctor.                      
                                                            
17265 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Robin K. Willoughby P8311



There was a young lady from Vassar,                         
At screwing, none could surpass her.                        
So she went up to Yale                                      
And peddled her tail,                                       
From the Bulldog up to the Headmaster.                      
                                                            
17266 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                          G0790



For a student whose name is Kathleen,                       
With a mind that's not overly keen,                         
Graduation is sure                                          
As she's hardly demure,                                     
And has often been seen with the Dean.                      
                                                            
17267 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Cyber Geezer             



There's Penny from Michigan State,                          
She's a culinary expert to rate;                            
Her specialist dish,                                        
Involves lots of fish,                                      
And her pussy, dished up on a plate.                        
                                                            
17268 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Tim Fisher               



There was once an athletic young jock,                      
Who could shatter large rocks with his cock.                
But a coed said, "Dear,                                     
Please insert the thing here."                              
And he fainted away with the shock.                         
                                                            
17269 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Isaac Asimov             



A cute little coed named Jean                               
Evoked the dismay of the dean,                              
By flooding the college                                     
With intimate knowledge                                     
Of subjects perverse and obscene.                           
                                                            
17270 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Robert Thompson     G0624



When a friend asked a coed named Beam,                      
"As a freshman did you ever dream                           
That you'd letter in track?"                                
She said, "Actually, Jack,                                  
All I thought of was making the team."                      
                                                            
17271 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      A N Wilkins         P8306



His research publications make clear                        
The discoveries of Dr. DeVere:                              
Short skirts on the lasses,                                 
High marks in their classes,                                
Will correlate nicely each year.                            
                                                            
17272 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      John E Mayhood      P0108



A giddy young girl up at Girton,                            
When found with a man, had no skirt on.                     
She explained to her tutor,                                 
"He thought I looked cuter--                                
The subject is one he's expert on."                         
(Girton College of Cambridge)                               
17273 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Harold C. Bibby          



A co-ed at State University,                                
When faced with financial adversity,                        
Let her body be leased                                      
By man, woman or beast.                                     
She strove for biological diversity.                        
                                                            
17274 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Jim Weaver Collection    



At college she studies biology,                             
French and a little psychology.                             
What gives her kicks                                        
Though are gentlemen's dicks,                               
So at night-time she studies whorology.                     
                                                            
17275 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



Her learning is purely genetic.                             
The John must be lean and athletic.                         
She rides while she quotes,                                 
"I'm just jotting down notes."                              
To the men, she remains apathetic.                          
                                                            
17276 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



Horology is the study of clocks,                            
Time pieces and weather-cocks.                              
But when told horology,                                     
She understood whorology,                                   
And now studies gentlemen's cocks.                          
                                                            
17277 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



A young coquette, courting in Cat's                         
Proceeding beyond friendly pats,                            
Said, "You'll find that my breasts                          
Are beneath tatted vests.                                   
Pray take out my teats from my tat(t)s."                    
(St Catharine's College of Cambridge commonly call Cat's)   
17278 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Harold C Bibby           



A shy little student from Derry                             
Got stoned on two glasses of sherry.                        
And then her professor                                      
Began to undress her --                                     
And was she responsive? Oh very!                            
                                                            
17279 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Hugh Oliver         A079A



There once was a very bright lass,                          
Who was at the top of her class.                            
She studied real hard,                                      
So on her report card,                                      
All of her subjects she'd pass.                             
                                                            
17280 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Holzmille2               



The virtuous ladies of Newnham,                             
Are preserved from the men who would ruin 'em,              
By the tales that they've heard                             
Of the birds who have erred,                                
And the morals the Fellows imbue in 'em.                    
                                                            
17281 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



The house mother warned at the dance,                       
"Girls, you sure have to watch Ancey Rance.                 
He's so hot, he's abrewing,                                 
Better mind what you're doing,                              
Or you'll wind up with Rance in your pants!"                
                                                            
17282 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS      Grand Prix Lim  566      



"Each year," said a Wells girl, "it's plainer;              
Cramming's vain, class attendance is vainer.                
To get A in Phys Ed                                         
I just worked out in bed,                                   
With the wrestling coach and the trainer."                  
                                                            
17283 COLLEGE - COEDS - WINNERS                               



To college went able young Hurd;                            
His parents had felt they had erred.                        
When they asked him what knowledge                          
He received while at college,                               
He replied with a four-letter word.                         
                                                            
17284 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Albin Chaplin   3024-2120



A gross college student named Joe                           
Never bathed in four years, don't you know.                 
On graduation day                                           
They carried him away                                       
And changed his B.A. to B.O.                                
                                                            
17285 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Tom Patton          P0112



A pauperized fellow named West                              
With living in slums was distressed.                        
So he went off to college                                   
To acquire more knowledge,                                  
And a beatnik became like the rest.                         
                                                            
17286 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Albin Chaplin   3024-2833



Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,                       
Drank up several bottles of sherry;                         
In the yard around three,                                   
They were shieking with glee:                               
"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"                      
                                                            
17287 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       VOL 11                   



A sophomore student at Reed,                                
From perversity rather than need,                           
Likes to caper about                                        
With his wang hanging out                                   
And in general scatter his seed.                            
                                                            
17288 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Hugh Oliver         A130A



A sizeable sizar of John's,                                 
When caught climbing in by the dons,                        
Explained with deep sighs,                                  
"I'm of too great a size                                    
And so I got stuck in the pons."                            
(St Johns College of Cambridge) (sizar - student servant)   
17289 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



A ferocious young Fellow of Peterhouse                      
Said, "This has become too effete a House;                  
Our deer are too tame--                                     
Things have not been the same                               
Since we set free the beasts from a cheetah house."         
(Peterhouse College of Cambridge)                           
17290 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



A philosopher Fellow of Trinity                             
Said, "Geometry show this affinity:                         
Concavo-convex is                                           
Symbolic of sexes,                                          
While arrows denote masculitity."                           
(Trinity College of Cambridge)                              
17291 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



A corpulent classic at Clare                                
Said, "Calories I must forswear."                           
So strong was his will,                                     
He fasted until                                             
He'd slimmed into clar(e)ified air.                         
(Clare College of Cambridge)                                
17292 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



An amateur jockey at Pemmer                                 
Was 'gated' to seven pip-emma,  ( 1900 Hours )              
He was seen at Newmarket                                    
In a pub after dark: it                                     
Presented an awkward dilemma.                               
(Pemmer - Pembroke College of Cambridge)                    
17293 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



After flunking out twice in thermology,                     
A student of meteorology                                    
Threw in the sponge                                         
And took a long plunge                                      
From the roof of The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. 
                                                            
17294 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       William K. Alsop    P8910



My neck is too brown to be red,                             
So get that dumb shit out your head.                        
Psychology's my degree;                                     
You're the nut in this tree,                                
So fall off the branch and drop dead.                       
                                                            
17295 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS                                



A mixed-up young person from Texas                          
Was full of syndromes and complexes.                        
So they sent him to college                                 
In search of pure knowledge,                                
And to locate himself in the sexes.                         
                                                            
17296 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS                           G2528



Beer barrels, babes, brownies, balloons:                    
I welcomed them all in platoons,                            
To the dorm where I bunked--                                
It's no wonder I flunked,                                   
Or that now it's a place Dad impugns.                       
(antithesis)                                                
17297 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Norm Storer         P9603



I replied when he asked, "Will I pass?"                     
When he hadn't been coming to class,                        
"Though I'm told I must say                                 
That your psyche's OK,                                      
I'm considering flunking your ass."                         
                                                            
17298 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Cybergeezer              



A young Newfie lad from Argentia                            
Had mail-order-college dementia                             
As he told it to me,                                        
He got his degree                                           
And a dose of the clap, in absentia.                        
                                                            
17299 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       John E Mayhood      P0800



A student who attended South Kent                           
Had an unfortunate bent.                                    
He liked to paint faces                                     
On public places,                                           
For which he had no talent.                                 
                                                            
17300 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



My chin is too strong for your hooks,                       
So use that left cross on your looks.                       
Save your hooks for the street,                             
You used piece of meat!                                     
Or better yet, try hitting the books.                       
                                                            
17301 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS                                



A studious fellow named Pease                               
Took courses to get Ph.D.'s,                                
But the courses got tougher                                 
And the sledding got rougher,                               
And he killed himself off by degrees.                       
                                                            
17302 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Albin Chaplin   3024-2740



I was never thought clever at school,                       
And by some was considered a fool.                          
But of all Cupid's stunts,                                  
Where they prove stupid cunts,                              
Its the duds like me, last out the spool.                   
                                                            
17303 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS                           G0176



There was a young student of Queens,                        
Who haunted the public latrines.                            
He was heard in the john,                                   
Saying, "Bring me a don,                                    
But spare me those dreary old Deans."                       
                                                            
17304 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS                           G1033



An architect, planning at Downing,                          
Said to the surveyor, "The crowning                         
Conceit of my brain                                         
Has gone down the drain;                                    
And all but the lawyers are frowning."                      
(Downing College of Cambridge)                              
17305 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C. Bibby          



An M.I.T. student named Josh                                
Spent his first term royally sloshed.                       
When the next term came by,                                 
He was perpetually high;                                    
Just think of the brain cells he lost!                      
                                                            
17306 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       James Riccio             



At Harvard, fish chowders the rage.                         
The students say it can assuage                             
Those lusts that are lost on                                
The burghers of Boston,                                     
Regardless of gender or age.                                
                                                            
17307 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Barrie Collins           



A town girl spread sex by the bale,                         
Specializing in students from Yale.                         
They spent gala nights                                      
Sampling her nude delights,                                 
Which kept half of Yale mighty pale.                        
                                                            
17308 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Grand Prix Lim  635      



The Lamda Chi's built their new frat house                  
Conveniently next to a cat house.                           
If cats had their druthers,                                 
They's take lambs as brothers,                              
But not goats in sheepskins from that house.                
                                                            
17309 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Laurence Perrine    P9206



An engineering student from Cheshire,                       
Found college life under pressure,                          
When social events                                          
Became so intense,                                          
There was hardly time for leisure.                          
                                                            
17310 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Pooh Rogerson            



I'm displeased when my son's school marks sag.              
Though he's not quite drug free, I still brag.              
So what, he sells pot?                                      
He does not sell a lot,                                     
And he never has once burned the flag.                      
                                                            
17311 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



A masterful Master of Magdalene                             
Sent down a promiscuous lordling.                           
He said, "Lord Lewdd Keeps                                  
In the same set as Pepys--                                  
That's no place for keeping a bordel in."                   
(Magdalene College of Cambridge)                            
17312 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C. Bibby          



I've been far away, 'hitting' the books.                    
My advisor said, "My boy, it looks                          
Like your oral's subverted,                                 
Your grammar's perverted,                                   
But then sir, I may be mistooks."                           
                                                            
17313 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Eric Hinds               



A youth who afflicts Essex Fells                            
Can yell University yells,                                  
From Abilene's Hail                                         
To the Frog-Call of Yale;                                   
He also puts poison in wells.                               
                                                            
17314 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Morris Bishop       P8804



A diploma from Princeton's a crutch,                        
A degree which will pass in a clutch.                       
For you most always can                                     
Tell a Princeton man.                                       
You can, but you can't tell him much.                       
                                                            
17315 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Stu Lucas           P9603



A cox to his tutor at Jesus                                 
Said, "Sir, from all reading release us;                    
If to books I keep going,                                   
I lose time from rowing,                                    
And that, Sir, would greatly displease us."                 
(Jesus College of Cambridge)                                
17316 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



The college athletes are all Brothers --                    
They refer to each other as Mothers.                        
When they're not recruiting,                                
They're sure to be shooting                                 
Baskets, cocaine, or each other.                            
                                                            
17317 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Arthur Deex         P8607



A medical student named Elias,                              
Who woke as Professor Zacharias                             
Announced as his treatise:                                  
"I think diabetes --"                                       
Yelled "Beat us?  They can't even tie us!"                  
                                                            
17318 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Anon                     



A daredevil student named Drake,                            
Took his pals on a trip to the lake.                        
But he fractured his leg                                    
Jumping off of a keg;                                       
Now he knows why they call it spring break.                 
                                                            
17319 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Robbabe                  



After flunking out twice with a D,                          
A student of meteorology                                    
Threw in the towel                                          
And hari kari'd his bowel,                                  
On the dome, Building 10, MIT.                              
                                                            
17320 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Arthur Deex              



A porter of Gonville and Caius                              
Said, "No lady visitors, please!                            
For I fear they would hear                                  
What's not fit for their ear--                              
These medics swear worse that bargees."                     
(Gonville and Caius College of Cambridge)                   
17321 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



There once was a test that I took                           
With the help of a hidden test book.                        
Veiled under a sneeze,                                      
Which I can fake with ease,                                 
When needed I'd take a quick look.                          
                                                            
17322 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Phil T                   



"I did not," said a frosh from Moline,                      
"Call the business school head a sardine                    
At the rally.  Instead                                      
What I actually said                                        
To my buddy was, 'Look! That's our dean!'"                  
                                                            
17323 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       A. N. Wilkins       P8311



A latinist, guild Corpus Christi,                           
Of post-roman manners naught wist he--                      
For symposial sport                                         
He swigged down the port,                                   
And in the decanter then pissed he.                         
(Corpus Christi College of Cambridge)                       
17324 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



Joe is whiz-bang at quantum mechanics,                      
Astrophysics and compound organics;                         
Higher math doesn't throw him,                              
But with women, I just show him                             
A hot little number -- he panics.                           
                                                            
17325 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Robin K. Willoughby P8506



Today's college students? Forsooth!                         
I fear that not all are quite couth;                        
Although they will fight                                    
If one says, "Might makes right,"                           
Are they sure that "Youth always makes truth?"              
                                                            
17326 COLLEGE - MALES - LOSERS       Norm Storer              



A classical Master of Arts,                                 
Told his wife he was still keen on tarts.                   
Said she, "That's just dandy,                               
To think you're still randy.                                
You still know your principal parts."                       
                                                            
17327 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS                               



A young choral scholar at King's                            
Looked just like a cherub, sans wings;                      
But he had a proclivity                                     
For amorous activity                                        
And other un-angelic things.                                
(King's College of Cambridge)                               
17328 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Harold C Bibby           



They argued all night in the dorm                           
The importance of content and form.                         
Art cried, "Art is formal!"                                 
Dick replied, "You're abnormal!                             
Any whole will content if it's warm."                       
                                                            
17329 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Larry Payne         P8311



Of the hacking that'd ever been done,                       
When Tech nerds wait to have fun,                           
The one that's most nifty,                                  
Was the ballon on the fifty,                                
Harvard-Yale 0, MIT 1.                                      
                                                            
17330 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Feith                    



A classical student named Dewey,                            
Whose Latin and habits were screwy,                         
Addressed to his bag                                        
This Thrasonical brag:                                      
'Ego multas puellas futui.'                                 
(thrasonical - bragging, boastful)                          
17331 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS                          G2315



An oversexed Scholar of Sidney,                             
Subsisted on sweetbreads and kidney.                        
He gained first position                                    
In Carnal Coition;                                          
He had the right diet, though, didney?                      
(Sidney Sussex College of Cambridge)                        
17332 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Harold C. Bibby          



In hacks it is always implicit                              
The deed may be slightly illicit.                           
If intrusion is bearable,                                   
And the damage repairable,                                  
The Newspapers surely will bless it.                        
                                                            
17333 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Tim Maloney              



College majors these kids often double;                     
With joie de vivre many will bubble.                        
Even boozing and screwing,                                  
They know what they're doing;                               
Get diplomas without too much trouble.                      
                                                            
17334 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



There was a young student named Jones,                      
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,                           
With his wonderful knowledge                                
Acquired in college,                                        
Of nineteen erogenous zones.                                
                                                            
17335 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Anon                G0100



A certain young freshman named Zeke                         
Was scrawny and slight of physique.                         
Yet Co-eds went wild                                        
Whenever he smiled;                                         
Such was his romantic technique.                            
                                                            
17336 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Nick D Kim               



A graduate student named Zac                                
Was said to be great in the sack.                           
One inch of his boner                                       
Put girls in a coma,                                        
And two gave them epiliptic attacks.                        
                                                            
17337 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS                          P8708



At the Hah-vard elite BusAd School,                         
Eager grads look around, and they drool;                    
Old grads go meet Bubba;                                    
Young lads shout: "Boy!  Hubba!                             
New room's at the trough; man, that's cool!"                
                                                            
17338 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS                               



The Newbies on campus matriculate                           
In hopes of finding, they calculate,                        
A sweet little cookie                                       
Who'll share some nooky,                                    
As through the bushes they perambulate.                     
                                                            
17339 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Daniel Ford              



As an L. S. E. graduate said,                               
"As a student, of course, I was red;                        
But now I'm with Shell                                      
Let the proles go to hell!                                  
My pension is safe till I'm dead."                          
(L. S. E. - London School of Economics)                     
17340 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Paul Jennings            



A lawyer at Trinity Hall                                    
Said, "At the Old Bailey, recall,                           
The Code Napoleonic                                         
Is thought quite moronic;                                   
And yet it's respected in Gaul."                            
(Trinity Hall of Cambridge)                                 
17341 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Harold C Bibby           



A virile young collegiate of Anza                           
Stumbled on to a real love bonanza...                       
A sorority house                                            
Made him weak as a mouse                                    
In a wild, week-end sextravaganza!                          
                                                            
17342 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Grand Prix Lim  319      



A rather poor student named Gowdy,                          
At heart is salaciously rowdy.                              
Though he never gets A's,                                   
His magnificent lays                                        
Make his dates rate him magna cum laude!                    
                                                            
17343 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Jim Weaverr Collection   



I'm sitting here in history class,                          
Sitting next to my favorite lass.                           
The Profs an old goat,                                      
But she's taking notes.                                     
She, unlike me, has to pass.                                
                                                            
17344 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS                               



At the Pan-Hell Olympics last week,                         
The second prize went to a Deke.                            
Amid mounting applause,                                     
From the third-place Psi Taus,                              
He laid eighteen girls cheek to cheek                       
                                                            
17345 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      John Ciardi              



A degree reveals much of its keeper:                        
BS is a real Bull Shit heaper,                              
MS on the name                                              
Means More of the Same;                                     
PhD is Piled Higher and Deeper.                             
                                                            
17346 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Jerry Nordal        P0112



Pessimistic but brilliant young Drassis,                    
On a scholarship, took Oxford classes.                      
And since he's been through,                                
He now seems to view                                        
The world through Rhodes-Scholared glasses.                 
                                                            
17347 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Martin B. Smith     P8308



A horny young fellow named Tuck,                            
With a coed was really in luck,                             
By the end of the day,                                      
Tuck had gotten his way,                                    
For she ironed his shirts for a buck.                       
                                                            
17348 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS                               



In Tulsa, a prior bed-wetter                                
Grew up to be a big debtor.                                 
He gambled in college,                                      
And friends all acknowledge                                 
His fame as "The Sooner, The Better".                       
                                                            
17349 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Macsam                   



The tri-Delts are under a cloud.                            
When their housemother, Mrs. Van Dowd,                      
Either quit or retired,                                     
They seem to have hired,                                    
A stripteaser--which isn't allowed.                         
                                                            
17350 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      John Ciardi              



A factor that frequently wrecks                             
Careers academic is sex.                                    
A poor first degree                                         
Means no PhD;                                               
Take care as you share RediBrex.                            
(assume it is breakfast food)                               
17351 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Nick                     



"The co-eds are soon back at school,"                       
Said the senior, beginning to drool.                        
"There'll be tail by the bale                               
For every young male,"                                      
He thought while massaging his tool.                        
                                                            
17352 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



The graduate students of Drexel                             
Are certainly going to excel.                               
If there's no engineering,                                  
There'll be sweet-ing and dear-ing                          
If science won't do it, then sex'll.                        
                                                            
17353 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Isaac Asimov             



A doctorate-hunter at Darwin                                
Wrote a thesis: 'Did Persia's Great Shah win                
The fight at Ras Khaim,                                     
Or, as some scholars claim,                                 
Did the Sultan of Old Zanzibar win?"                        
(Darwin College of Cambridge)                               
17354 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Harold C. Bibby          



I opted for Freud 101.                                      
This class MASTURBATING was fun.                            
But due to the froth,                                       
With ladders and cloth,                                     
We cleaned off the ceiling when done.                       
                                                            
17355 COLLEGE - MALES - WINNERS      Irving Superior          



There was a professor from Yale,                            
Who searched for a fresh piece of tail.                     
He found in his class,     (classes,)                       
A young piece of ass;      (Both girl and boy asses,)       
Now he's spending his spare time in jail.                   
                                                            
17356 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                           G1082



A prominent A&M teacher                                     
Was arrested for striking a preacher.                       
The preacher accused                                        
That a co-ed was used,                                      
In the gym, on a rickety bleacher.                          
                                                            
17357 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



A Natural Science Professor                                 
Confessed that he was a cross dresser:                      
"Oh! it's 'au naturale'                                     
To dress up like a gal --                                   
I come naturally by it, oh, yessir!"                        
                                                            
17358 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Robin K. Willoughby P8503



They persist without ands, ifs or buts,                     
For with tenure they stay in their ruts.                    
At their best they're inane;                                
Nonetheless they remain.                                    
They're known as academia nuts.                             
                                                            
17359 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Loren Fitzhugh      P0012



There is a professor named Martin,                          
From whom I'm about to be partin',                          
And on my way out,                                          
He may hear me shout,                                       
In your face I'd sure like to fart in."                     
                                                            
17360 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                           L0721



To a college professor named Coe                            
It seemed in a dream much as though                         
He was lecturing then                                       
To his students, and when                                   
He awoke it was actually so.                                
                                                            
17361 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       A. N. Wilkins       P8311



A sciolist teacher named Pete       (pretender to learning) 
Taught sophisms, with lots of heat.                         
His students all passed,                                    
But their knowledge, half-assed,                            
Made getting through life quite a feat!                     
                                                            
17362 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Sam Shaffe          P8806



If false credentials are part of your game,                 
Do not seek work at Notre Dame.                             
They're sniffy and snooty                                   
About their sacred duty,                                    
To hold the coach solely to blame.                          
                                                            
17363 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Dr Limerick  12-14-01    



We sit here again in Committee                              
Discussing our nitty and gritty,                            
In terms consequential,                                     
All quite fundamental,                                      
Delightfully itty and bitty.                                
                                                            
17364 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



There was a professor of Brooley,                           
Who said mind was matter or nearly.                         
This contempt for the eidoz,                                
Though common in Cnidos,                                    
Disturbed the New Forest unduly.                            
(eidoz - something intuited - Websters III you suck - McW)  
17365 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       C. E. M. Joad            



There was a poor pliant Prof.                               
Who, faced with a student trangr.,                          
Sank down on his knees                                      
And begged, "If you please,                                 
Treat me as your cruel oppr."                               
                                                            
17366 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold C Bibby           



An assistant professor named Ddodd,                         
Had manners arresting and odd.                              
He said, "If you please,                                    
Spell my name with four 'D's",                              
Though one was sufficient for God.                          
                                                            
17367 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



Bela, I really did try                                      
To understand how, what, and why.                           
But I'd concentrate more                                    
On your modeling lore,                                      
If only you'd do up your fly.                               
                                                            
17368 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Anon                     



Here I sit like a taciturn clam;                            
I am bored by this doctoral exam.                           
While this stuff may be true                                
And quite possibly new,                                     
Frankly, I don't give a damn.                               
                                                            
17369 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



A brainy professor named Ned,                               
Dreamed one night of a buxom coed.                          
He grabbed her and sucked her,                              
And scuttlebut fucked her,                                  
But the action was all in his head.                         
                                                            
17370 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                           G2172



A professor who hailed from Podunk,                         
And was rather too frequently drunk,                        
Said, "Sometimes I think                                    
That I can parse pink:                                      
Let me see, it is pink, pank, and punk."                    
                                                            
17371 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



There was a young fellow named Guesser                      
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.                     
He finally, one day                                         
When it vanished away,                                      
Became a mathematics professor.                             
                                                            
17372 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Desmond MacHale          



At Oxford Lord Sillery Smart                                
Was considered to be an old fart.                           
He was primly precise,                                      
While condemning all vice,                                  
And would faint if approached by a tart.                    
                                                            
17373 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Warrick Elrod            



The professor talked much about rhodium                     
And then he expounded on sodium.                            
His arms he did flail                                       
Until he turned pale,                                       
And then he fell off of the podium.                         
                                                            
17374 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Al Willis                



I recently had a flirtation                                 
With the scholarly word "dissertation",                     
But I messed up, I guess.                                   
The professor professed                                     
I should take a long (permanent) vacation.                  
                                                            
17375 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       John Miller         P0106



The professor was out near Pike's peak,                     
And stood up in a large crowd to speak;                     
Got a tear in his eye,                                      
When he noticed his fly,                                    
Had been opened since he last took a leak.                  
                                                            
17376 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



Our Department they say is the best --                      
We pass every A.C.E. test.  (American Civil Engineer?)      
There ain't none of us lazy;                                
We publish like crazy --                                    
So how come I'm getting depressed?                          
                                                            
17377 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       P Chernoff               



Our German prof, Doktor von Struss,                         
Is not one to play fast and loose,                          
But at faculty do's,                                        
Having sampled the booze,                                   
He's been known to try a sly goose.                         
                                                            
17378 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       John Ciardi              



The math prof, notes Polya with glee,                       
Says A but then clearly writes B.                           
What's worse, he or she                                     
Meant neither -- but C.                                     
(All the time the correct term is D.)                       
                                                            
17379 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Michael Weinstein   P8506



Said an English professor named Ringo,                      
"I prefer mindless evenings of Bingo;                       
I correct student papers,                                   
Sneer at British lit. shapers,                              
And I don't understand Joyce's lingo."                      
                                                            
17380 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Armand E Singer   intro A



"This year," said an old dean named Snow,                   
"The faculty seems rather slow                              
To laugh at my wit,                                         
But I don't care a bit.                                     
My jokes all have tenure, you know."                        
                                                            
17381 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       A. N. Wilkins       P8311



When they fired a professor named Glass                     
Who taught Latin, the top college brass                     
Said they couldn't deny                                     
That he was a nice guy,                                     
But he just didn't have any class.                          
                                                            
17382 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       A. N. Wilkins       P8311



A soi-disant Mynheer Professor,                             
Met a beat-up old whore from Odessa.                        
She applied all her arts                                    
To his genital parts,                                       
But they only grew lesser and lesser.                       
                                                            
17383 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                           L1047



An eavesdropping don at Emmanuel                            
Was told, "If you're wise, dear man, you'll                 
Abandon that habit,                                         
Or you'll grow like a rabbit,                               
Or end up with ears like a spaniel."                        
(Emmanuel College of Cambridge)                             
17384 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold C. Bibby          



A scholar of Oxford, while tipsy,                           
Began to make love to a gypsy.                              
He undressed her, caressed her,                             
To the beach he had pressed her,                            
Then he lost faith in his ipse.  (attributed knowledge)     
                                                            
17385 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Richard Shepherd         



An ounce of prevention I'm told                             
Is worth many ounces of gold.                               
And the ultimate best                                       
Is to stay in your nest                                     
And never go out in the cold.                               
                                                            
17386 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



The students wait in trepadation                            
For the prof to write the next equation.                    
The symbols he's using                                      
Are highly confusing;                                       
A mix of Greek, Latin, and Asian.                           
                                                            
17387 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Raisa Deber              



There is a natural law of entropy:                          
Disorder's increasing -- it must be.                        
But its grownth potential                                   
Is beyond exponential                                       
When dealing with egos and apathy.                          
(regarding meeting dynamics)                                
17388 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Terrance Boult           



At Mills, a professor named Leon,                           
Taught heresies most Manichean.                             
Quoth the girls, "Though it's pleasant,                     
Lets disdain this crude peasant;                            
Or, as the Mexicans say, "Peon Leon!"                       
                                                            
17389 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



There once was a student named Dresser,                     
Whose knowledge got lesser and lesser.                      
It at last grew so small,                                   
He knew nothing at all;                                     
And now he's a college professor.                           
                                                            
17390 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



It seems that Miss Beale and Miss Buss                      
Caused a mid-nineteenth century fuss;                       
But I'm sure Cupid's darts                                  
Hit their hearts (and their parts)                          
Though they were somewhat different from us.                
(Miss Beale - Headmistress Cheltenham College 1858)         
17391 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



A note from Miss Buss to Miss Beale,                        
I shall now from the archives reveal:                       
"Oh my sweet Dorothea,                                      
I wish you were hear;                                       
Have you any idea how I feel?"                              
(Miss Buss - Headmistress North London School 1850)         
17392 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



"Dear Frances," began the reply                             
From Miss Beale to Miss Buss by-and-by.                     
"How I yearn for your lips                                  
And the curve of your hips                                  
As I dream of us nightly and sigh."                         
                                                            
17393 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



"Oh sweet Dorothea, don't fret;                             
We shall meet down in Cheltenham yet.                       
Or alternatively,                                           
Come to London for me;                                      
I shall meet you at Paddington, pet."                       
                                                            
17394 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



"Dear Francis, I love you so well,                          
But that Great Western Railway is hell;                     
And I'm sorely afraid                                       
That I might get waylaid                                    
By that Isamabad Kingdom Brunel."                           
                                                            
17395 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



"Oh dear, that's a prospect most dire.                      
Dorothea?  A nurse you must hire                            
From that Cheltenham race                                   
Course and and gallop apace;                                
I can hardly contain y desire."                             
                                                            
17396 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



"Nor I, Frances Mary, my sweet;                             
But the movement of livestock and meat                      
Has been stopped for today;                                 
Foot and Mouth so they say                                  
Which has spread up to Gloucester from Fleet."              
                                                            
17397 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



"Oh sweet Dorothea, I fear                                  
We shall not see each other all year.                       
In the meantime I yearn                                     
For you kisses and burn                                     
With desire for your loving, my dear."                      
                                                            
17398 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Frances, dear Frances, sweet Frances;                   
We dare not take too many chances.                          
One day we shall meet                                       
And the thought of it, sweet,                               
Makes my heart skip a beat as it dances."                   
                                                            
17399 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



And thus did Miss Beale and Miss Buss                       
Cause a mid-nineteenth century fuss;                        
For as heads of their schools,                              
They had broken the rules,                                  
Though they wern't that much different from us.             
                                                            
17400 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Peter Wilkins            



Said the prof to his luscious young date,                   
"Let's meet in the tetra at eight."                         
She said, "How odd!                                         
You mean in the quad?"                                      
He sniffed "Must I always translate?"                       
                                                            
17401 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Tutta Gioia              



There was a young coed named Fretter                        
Who wrote the professor a letter.                           
"Though your hot dog is fine,                               
Yet for hunger like mine                                    
The young butcher's baloney is better."                     
                                                            
17402 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Albin Chaplin   3024-0453



There once was a teacher named Brown,                       
Whose students would like him to drown.                     
For in all of his classes,                                  
He never wore glasses,                                      
And addressed them all with a frown.                        
                                                            
17403 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       C. Isaac                 



A professor who used to be pure                             
Was arrested for reading the "Lure".                        
Now his lectures he dreads                                  
And he chases coeds.                                        
What is worse, there's no hope for a cure.                  
                                                            
17404 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       David Finely             



At a place where learning is foremost,                      
You'd think they'd know better than to coast.               
But when I look at this place,                              
We seem out of the race --                                  
There's so little about which we can boast.                 
                                                            
17405 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Terrance Boult           



While the Prof wrote a Latin declension,                    
The pupils did things one can't mention,                    
Like balling, and blowing                                   
Each other and showing                                      
A singular lack of attention.                               
                                                            
17406 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                           G2312



A marine professor was he,                                  
Who sanctioned the death of a tree.                         
When asked, "Why this mess?"                                
Said he could not care less,                                
Since it had nothing to do with the sea.                    
                                                            
17407 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Anon                     



There was an professor named Flear                          
Who remarked, with a hint of a tear,                        
"I like old men and boys                                    
But prefer for my toys                                      
The bollards on St. Andrews pier."                          
(bollards - short posts set to exclude automobiles)         
17408 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Jim Weaver Collection    



The whole academic fraternity                               
Can relax in the joys of paternity,                         
Since he, she, or it                                        
In sin or legit,                                            
Can now go on leave till eternity.                          
                                                            
17409 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)



No need any more for Sabbatical,                            
We have a solution more practical;                          
Have a kid every year                                       
And there's nothing to fear --                              
Your leave comes around mathematical.                       
                                                            
17410 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)



So sing we a hymn to virility.                              
Let's breed to our greatest ability.                        
It's not for the College                                    
To propagate knowledge,                                     
But only to worship fertility.                              
                                                            
17411 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)



This College produced Marie Stopes,                         
Ah, what has become of her hopes?                           
Away with that book,                                        
Start learning to cook --                                   
It's surprising how soon a man copes.                       
                                                            
17412 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)



What's all this about Eduation?                             
What matters is more population.                            
You can't beat a nappy                                      
To keep a dad happy --                                      
Add zest to your dull copulation!                           
                                                            
17413 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)



So God bless our great A.U.T.,  (Assoc of Univ Teachers)    
Which sets us from lecturing free;                          
As we hop into bed,                                         
Let it ever be said,                                        
"It's the Organization for me!"                             
                                                            
17414 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)



The members of our great University                         
Display the most striking diversity:                        
Some wise and some foolish,  (The yellow, the red,)         
Some saintly, some ghoulish, (The black and inbred,)        
And some of the utmost perversity.                          
(The native, the foreign; the wet-backs, the re-born)       
17415 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold C. Bibby     P9601



Professors earn less, at the core,                          
Than Porn Stars and here's the wherefore:                   
The crux of the matter,                                     
Is just that the latter                                     
Must publish an awful lot more.                             
                                                            
17416 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Graham Lester            



If pretensions of great erudition                           
Make one talk like a metaphysician,                         
He better be sure                                           
To look for a cure                                          
'Cause he's bound to meet wise competition.                 
                                                            
17417 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Raymond Winkler     P8311



She explained to the Dean of her parish,                    
"Our affair is a thing I will cherish --                    
And my diary, too.                                          
So it's all up to you.                                      
Don't you see? If I publish, you perish!"                   
                                                            
17418 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       John E Mayhood      P0108



Dr Collins was giving a talk                                
Out of which all the students did walk.                     
As they went out the door,                                  
He yelled, "Come back!  There's more!                       
It's just that I've run out of chalk!"                      
                                                            
17419 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Anon                     



Well, Grady's retiring, I heard;                            
Tried sneaking away with no word.                           
But his friend, the perfesser,                              
(notorious cross-dresser,)                                  
Gave the secret away... what a turd!                        
                                                            
17420 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



Prof Grady is leaving, I hear;                              
He'll be gone by the end of the year.                       
His students said, "Great!                                  
He won't know when we're late!"                             
Then they sent him the biggest Bronx Cheer!                 
                                                            
17421 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



Pandora, a psychic and mystic,                              
Told fortunes most unrealistic.                             
But Grady, a nerd,                                          
Must've liked what he heard,                                
'Cause he's retiring, and so optimistic.                    
                                                            
17422 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Cyber Geezer             



Says Grady, professor of languich,                          
"You know, I just don't give a dang which                   
Baloney you use,                                            
Or which mustard you choose,                                
But don't mess with my Liverwurst sangwich!"                
                                                            
17423 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Liam na Beag             



When Grady was asked: "Will I pass?"                        
Though he hadn't been coming to class,                      
Told the student, "You jerk!                                
What's become of your work?                                 
I'm considering flunking your a$$!"                         
                                                            
17424 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



The department is run by committee,                         
And I say it's all quite a pity.                            
Like canvassing the vote                                    
In a land quite remote,                                     
When the election is held in the city.                      
                                                            
17425 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Terrance Boult           



A Harvard professor of note                                 
Thought he'd sail to Spain in a boat.                       
He kept going 'round,                                       
Until at length he found                                    
He was sailing on some castle moat.                         
                                                            
17426 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Warrick Elrod            



On the lookout for coeds to ruin,                           
A Philosophy prof called McEwen                             
Worked at UCLA,                                             
Where they escrowed his pay:                                
Got a suin' for screwin' a Bruin.                           
                                                            
17427 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Krissa Guiness      P8311



There was a young woman named Jeannie,                      
Who called the professer a meanie...                        
"You claim you're a stud                                    
But, oh, what a dud!                                        
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny!"                          
                                                            
17428 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS                                



There once was a lecturer Bird,                             
And square was his favorite word.                           
His lectures were boring;                                   
The students were snoring,                                  
And so he could never be heard.                             
                                                            
17429 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Oxford Limericks         



Observed a professor named Joel,                            
"Synetoches can be quite droll;                             
E.g., I suggest                                             
Somewhat unimpressed,                                       
In women, the parts are the hole."                          
                                                            
17430 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Armand E Singer       165



I recently had a flirtation                                 
With the scholarly word "dissertation",                     
But I messed up, I guess.                                   
The professor professed                                     
I should take a long (permanent) vacation.                  
                                                            
17431 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       John Miller 0314         



It's because you were flirting, not serious,                
That the professor became so imperious.                     
So go back to the class                                     
And kiss the prof's ass.                                    
Your final grade might not be deleterious.                  
                                                            
17432 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       S  C Saint               



On April the first, a professor                             
Whose lessons grew lesser and lesser,                       
With each dummy found,                                      
Had been fooled by the sound                                
During roll of a tape going "Yessir!"                       
                                                            
17433 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Anon                     



College students complain of frustration                    
When professors without inspiration                         
And not overly bright                                       
Assign thenm to write,                                      
"What I Did on My God Damn Vacation."                       
                                                            
17434 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       A. N. Wilkins       P8709



"The faculty all love to hate                               
The dean," said a prexy named Bate.                         
"He has no supporter,                                       
And they'd lynch him each quarter                           
If they just could agree on a date."                        
                                                            
17435 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       A. N. Wilkins       P8311



The which's, the why's and some that's,                     
Yes-buts with a tit for all tats,                           
Are dominant themes                                         
In participant schemes                                      
Intellectually straining at gnats.                          
                                                            
17436 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



We chitter and chatter and glower                           
Enclosing our minds in a bower                              
Of pride in ourselves                                       
Like self-conscious elves                                   
In our magical ivory tower.                                 
                                                            
17437 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



An instructor once told off his classes:                    
"You're nothing but ignorant asses.                         
I've no more to say."                                       
Then one cried, "Away!                                      
We at least can go graze where some grass is!"              
                                                            
17438 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       Laurence Perrine    P8311



There was a young fellow named Chris                        
Whose lectures one could not miss.                          
If his brilliant wit                                        
Made the slightest slip,                                    
The students would go take a piss.                          
                                                            
17439 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       K M Briggs               



"You must publish or die," said the dean,                   
"Don't become an untenured has-been!"                       
So I showed the old goat                                    
All the stuff that I wrote                                  
For "Hot Nudes and Wild Sex" magazine.                      
                                                            
17440 COLLEGE - PROFS - LOSERS       William N Nesbit    P0108



Said the randy old college professor,                       
To the coed who asked him to pass her,                      
"Just give me some tail                                     
And you will not fail."                                     
She replied, "Mouth, cunt, or ass, sir?"                    
                                                            
17441 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Joe Long                 



The professor then shouted with glee,                       
"This surely will be ecstasy!"                              
First he came in her mouth,                                 
Then her cunt, then on south                                
To her asshole for squirt number three!                     
                                                            
17442 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Joe Long                 



Of professionals, greater and lesser,                       
I'd most like to be a professor.                            
He can live off foundations                                 
And take long vacations,                                    
While all of his students say "Yes, sir!"                   
                                                            
17443 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Laurence Perrine    P8311



"American History X"                                        
Blurs a great issue complex;                                
It lacks the tight focus                                    
On racism's locus,                                          
Its origin, cause and effects.                              
                                                            
17444 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Acetous                  



Our prexy, bloved Dr. Roche,                                
Felt financial problems encroach,                           
And, after review                                           
Of the salary skew,                                         
He resigned to become a head coach.                         
                                                            
17445 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Laurence Perrine    P8311



A Northampton professor named Tipple                        
Loved to suckle a student's left nipple.                    
Though he did it with ardor,                                
He could not get it harder,                                 
And he came without even a ripple.                          
                                                            
17446 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                          G2551



The professor was all dressed in blue,                      
And out looking for someone to screw.                       
But a lady in red,                                          
Gave him such good head,                                    
That he came so unscrewed, now he's through.                
                                                            
17447 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



Said boarding school principal Fife,                        
"My kids have the time of their life;                       
Our program's sensational,                                  
All coeducational,                                          
Though sex in the classroom is rife."                       
                                                            
17448 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Armand E Singer       631



The Dean of my old university                               
Was a man of pervasive perversity;                          
His admission of students                                   
Showed damn little prudence--                               
But let to delightful diversity.                            
                                                            
17449 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Norm Storer              



We envied the chair that she sat in,                        
For 'twas an endowed chair in Latin --                      
A chair all her own                                         
Like a queen's burnished throne --                          
How pleasant to lean back and chat in!                      
                                                            
17450 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Laurence Perrine    P8311



Teacher was talking 'bout final exam:                       
"Better be here, or you'll be in a jam.                     
Don't come down with the flu;                               
Excuses won't do.                                           
Now get lost, go on home and cram."                         
                                                            
17451 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



And as always, in every class,                              
There's that one kid, y'know, the smart ass.                
"What if we can't take the test                             
'Cause we're tired from much sex?"                          
Laughter erupted from each lad and lass.                    
                                                            
17452 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



The teacher replied, with a perfect dead-pan,               
Once the laughter had died, he said to the man,             
"No that excuse will not fly,                               
You'll just have to try                                     
To write with your other hand!"                             
                                                            
17453 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



A plump English prof from Atlanta,                          
Was bloated with bawdy, bold banter.                        
He'd sit on his ass,                                        
And let fly his gas,                                        
Whenever he sniffed a decanter.                             
                                                            
17454 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                          L1598



"Universities," said Dr. Link,                              
"Are one thing, but clearly, I think                        
You can say that a college                                  
Is a fountain of knowledge,                                 
Where young people gather to drink."                        
                                                            
17455 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      A. N. Wilkins       P8311



The professor was fucking Miss Claire,                      
On the floor, on the bed, on the chair.                     
Though he graded her poor,                                  
He admitted for sure,                                       
The potential for learning was there.                       
                                                            
17456 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Albin Chaplin   3024-2948



"Despite the political cant,                                
The president," said Dr. Brant,                             
"Whom professors of knowledge                               
At your typical college                                     
Admire most, is still U.S. Grant.                           
                                                            
17457 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      A. N. Wilkins       P8912



A candid Professor confesses                                
That the secret of half his success is,                     
Not his science, as such,                                   
Nor its marvels so much,                                    
As his bright irresponsible guesses.                        
                                                            
17458 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Thomas Thorneley         



Quite absent of mind is Prof Brown,                         
For which he's achieved some renown;                        
He put jam on his fly,                                      
Kissed the streetcar goodbye,                               
And, hopping his wife, went to town.                        
                                                            
17459 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Armand E Singer        31



Vast knowledge, says Prof, sets you free.                   
He says don't believe all you see!                          
But I can't be doubtin'                                     
When he whips it out 'n'                                    
The old boy is hung to the knee.                            
                                                            
17460 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Ericka                   



Now at college, a girl just can't win,                      
What with studies and sex and bad gin.                      
And it's just the last straw,                               
When the Dean says, "Withdraw!"                             
When it's him that's been sticking it in.                   
                                                            
17461 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



A vain old Professor of Greek                               
Would boast, "I am surely unique.                           
The rude hoi-polloi                                         
All cause me no joy."                                       
So he formed himself into a clique.                         
                                                            
17462 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Ron Rubin                



The retired English Prof, Dr Sound,                         
From a family rich and reknowned,                           
Held a soiree today                                         
In his out of the way                                       
Estate, he named the Complex Compound.                      
                                                            
17463 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



A meticulous young dean named Lester,                       
Took a girl to his rooms and undressed her.                 
Then took out some charts,                                  
And compared all her parts,                                 
With the norms for the current semester.                    
                                                            
17464 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      John Ciardi              



The students of Yale all agreed                             
From one course they had to be freed.                       
The professor Yale hired                                    
Quite strictly required                                     
They know how to write and to read.                         
                                                            
17465 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Warrick Elrod            



When Socrates under a tree                                  
Taught Athens his philosophy,                               
His texts were unedited,                                    
His school unaccredited,                                    
And he hadn't a higher degree.                              
                                                            
17466 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Laurence Perrine    P8311



A professor who flunked his whole class,                    
Was arrested for having the brass,                          
In this modern milieu,                                      
To adhere to the view:                                      
"If you don't do the work, you don't pass."                 
                                                            
17467 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Cybergeezer              



An English professor named Yentl,                           
Whose salary won't pay the rental,                          
Once complained, "It's not right,                           
And when comes that last night,                             
I won't like the light nor go gentle."                      
                                                            
17468 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Armand E Singer       847



A complacent old Don of Divinity,                           
Made boast of his daughter's virginity.                     
They must have been dawdlin',                               
The students of Magdalen,                                   
It couldn't have happened at Trinity.                       
                                                            
17469 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Anon, Cambridge 30'sL0829



Said the Skidmore prof, "I'm not vicious,                   
But short skirts bring visions lubricious.                  
When I look down my class                                   
At those acres of ass,                                      
I come in my pants. It's delicious."                        
                                                            
17470 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                          G2228



Leered the dean to the coed, "My dear,                      
I'm intrigued by your boobs and your rear!                  
When I've got you in bed,                                   
I expect you to spread--                                    
We've an open admissions rule here."                        
                                                            
17471 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



A foxy professor, by proxy,                                 
Who -- accused of Red heterodoxy --                         
Plead, "There isn't a shred                                 
Of evidence," and said,                                     
"Orthodoxy . . . Now that's my doxy."                       
                                                            
17472 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Stu Lucas           P9601



A Professor of English named Ford                           
Was writing a quote on the board;                           
However in haste,                                           
He left out a space --                                      
THE PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD.                          
                                                            
17473 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Irving Superior     P8311



A scholarly life has its feats,                             
Its virtues, its triumphs and treats.                       
One may work over pages                                     
For ages and ages                                           
And still play at night between sheets.                     
                                                            
17474 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Larry Payne         P8311



A prof at Mills College named Wilde,                        
By the sweet smell of sex was beguiled.                     
Losing all moral scruples,                                  
He laid forty girl pupils,                                  
And left thirty seven with child.                           
                                                            
17475 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Grand Prix Lim   88      



An English professor named Greene                           
Wrote a novel so grossly obscene,                           
He was sued for divorce,                                    
Lost all credit, of course,                                 
And was promptly promoted to dean.                          
                                                            
17476 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Michael Weinstein   P8311



Though our students are quite pulchritudinous,              
There's a thing that is always eludin' us:                  
Though we pinch and we leer                                 
And seduce them with beer,                                  
Our conduct is unturpitudinous.                             
                                                            
17477 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Ninian Smart             



A profligate professor named Pease                          
Conquered coeds with sonsumate ease,                        
And while most would succumb                                
On the spot, there were some                                
Whom he had to seduce by degrees.                           
                                                            
17478 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      David Rochford           



We provide the finest instruction                           
In education, deduction, seduction;                         
The first two designed                                      
For the function of mind,                                   
And the last for a different function.                      
                                                            
17479 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Larry Payne         P8311



A misanthrope teaching at Vasser,                           
Was implored by a nymphet to pass her.                      
The ill-tempered old grouch,                                
Threw her down on a couch,                                  
And bounced on her antimacassar.                            
                                                            
17480 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                          G1623



A zoology major named Pease,                                
Begged her prof for a couple of B's.                        
He toyed with her C,                                        
Then showed her his D,                                      
She was finally bedded with E's.                            
                                                            
17481 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



One semester, a young prof named Innis,                     
Taught two hundred coeds what sin is.                       
Not bad, I acknowledge,                                     
For a small country college,                                
But not worth recording in Guinness.                        
                                                            
17482 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      John Ciardi              



Researching concerns educational,                           
Some prof found a method rotational,                        
And tried it on lasses                                      
Who took his sex classes:                                   
Results nothing short of sensational.                       
                                                            
17483 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Armand E Singer       454



A sex-crazy prof in LaJolla                                 
Has a habit that's sure to annoy ya.                        
His amusable beds                                           
Are chockfull of coeds--                                    
He's a sexual tank and destroyer!                           
                                                            
17484 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                          G2394



A distinguished professor from Swarthmore                   
Had a date with a sexy young sophomore.                     
As quick as a wink                                          
He stripped to his dink,                                    
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.             
                                                            
17485 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                          G0196



There was a college prexy.                                  
A female, sensual and sexy.                                 
An average student, if male,                                
Would oftentimes fail,                                      
Unless he slept with that sexy prexy.                       
                                                            
17486 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Isadore Lippman     P8402



In the second full week of semester,                        
MLK Day's a mutual rester.                                  
'Cause a student who's off                                  
Cannot pester a prof,                                       
And a prof has no students to pester!                       
                                                            
17487 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Prof M-G           TP9901



William Spooner, his voice grave buyt firm,                 
Told two girls at the end of the term,                      
"You've hissed too many classes                             
In mystery, lasses,                                         
And have tasted a least one whole worm!"                    
                                                            
17488 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      A. N. Wilkins       P8311



Have you heard of Professor McFigg,                         
That awful male-chauvinist pig?                             
All the coeds he screws,                                    
Feeds them reefers and booze,                               
And teaches them semen to swig.                             
                                                            
17489 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                          G0878



There was a young studish professor                         
Who decided to play the aggressor.                          
What he wants and expects                                   
From the girls he selects                                   
Is a whispered, subservient, "Yes, sir."                    
                                                            
17490 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Isaac Asimov             



A scholar at Syracuse U.                                    
Had trouble researching the gnu,                            
But managed to score                                        
With note twenty-four:                                      
Enlarged it became volume II                                
                                                            
17491 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS      Armand E Singer       661



At the archeological site,                                  
Doctor Dave wasn't terribly bright;                         
He boffed a grad student;                                   
It was most imprudent;                                      
But the young ones are still nice and tight!                
                                                            
17492 COLLEGE - PROFS - WINNERS                               



My computer thinks I cannot see,                            
That he thinks he is smarter than me.                       
If I trip on a rug,                                         
It might pull out the plug,                                 
And accidents happen to me.                                 
                                                            
17493 COMPUTERS                      Larry Dahl               



For the ST I don't give a toss,                             
And the Mac's famous front end is dross.                    
For the Arch' and Amiga,                                    
I've never been eager,                                      
Because I'm addicted to DOS.                                
                                                            
17494 COMPUTERS                      Alexander Baron          



Have you heard of the poor agent Purser,                    
Whose auction luck wouldn't get worser?                     
In the midst of a sale                                      
His computer did fail                                       
And his bids were erased by his cursor!                     
                                                            
17495 COMPUTERS                      Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man who feared he was neuter,                       
Fed his vital facts to a computer.                          
The machine, like a flash,                                  
Typed, "Forget about gash --                                
You'll be Fag-of-the-Year as a fruiter."                    
                                                            
17496 COMPUTERS                                          G1021



The weeds have grown back since I hoed 'em;                 
Lawns have grown tall since I sowed 'em.                    
Wife's getting scrappy;                                     
To keep her happy,                                          
Turned off my computer and modem.                           
                                                            
17497 COMPUTERS                      Observer                 



Newton sees Apple fall down.                                
As he watches he says with a frown,                         
Support, it is lacking,                                     
And it needs more hacking.                                  
There are better computers in town.                         
                                                            
17498 COMPUTERS                      Roger Moore              



A slick talking pirate name Bruce,                          
To steal code, had a plan to seduce                         
An Apple II+.                                               
Now Bruce wears a truss,                                    
And was jailed for computer abuse.                          
                                                            
17499 COMPUTERS                                               



The Macintosh made lots of news                             
By being so easy to use.                                    
But now it's so dressy                                      
And complex and messy,                                      
That running it gives me the blues.                         
                                                            
17500 COMPUTERS                      Kevin Moore              



There was a young lady named Kate                           
Assessed by computers first rate.                           
The computer had blundered,                                 
She was had by a hundred,                                   
Ere a man did choose Kate as a mate.                        
                                                            
17501 COMPUTERS                      Albin Chaplin            



I agree, it is very much cuter,                             
If the brain was indeed a computer.                         
But I'm sorry my friend,                                    
For a problem to mend,                                      
Takes a bottle of wine and a tutor.                         
                                                            
17502 COMPUTERS                      Nawahl Razak             



There are errors you will likely repeat                     
If you type while you're stroking your meat.                
Men who play with their cocks                               
See that FATAL ERROR box...                                 
Hit Control, next press Alt, then Delete.                   
                                                            
17503 COMPUTERS                      Bob Birch           P0206



There once was a king of cogsci,                            
Who thought all others small fry.                           
He claimed there's no blank;                                
A view he could bank;                                       
What he claimed, however, was lies.                         
                                                            
17504 COMPUTERS                      Anon                     



The computer is our way of life,                            
At our work, in our homes and in strife.                    
In planes, ships, and car,                                  
The computer's gone far;                                    
It's now used to match man with a wife!                     
                                                            
17505 COMPUTERS                      Arthur Pattaffy          



A computer, to print out a fact,                            
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.                        
But this output can be                                      
No more than debris,                                        
If the input was short of exact.                            
(GIGO - garbage in, garbage out)                            
17506 COMPUTERS                      Gigo                P9602



There's a bio-computer, you know,                           
Which some say is likely to grow;                           
You just plant a seed                                       
For whatever you need,                                      
And reap whatever you sow.                                  
                                                            
17507 COMPUTERS                                               



An Aussie programmer of Ipswich,                            
Had a habit of making her hips twitch,                      
And that stopped her PC.                                    
The repairmen agree                                         
That something had made the tube's chip switch.             
                                                            
17508 COMPUTERS                      A. N. Wilkins       P8611



There are thousands of brands of computers,                 
Each of which has its own rooters.                          
And each rooter bristles                                    
If yours has more whistles                                  
Or klaxons or sirens or hooters.                            
                                                            
17509 COMPUTERS                      Barrie Collins           



She was reading the Kama Sutra                              
While lying atop the computra.                              
When she drooled on the screen,                             
The repair man, serene,                                     
Said, "Careful it don't 'lectrocute ya!"                    
                                                            
17510 COMPUTERS                      Ericka                   



My Mum has a Mac II to type letters,                        
But don't mock it or you will upset her.                    
Very outdated                                               
And quite antiquated,                                       
And the computer isn't much better.                         
                                                            
17511 COMPUTERS                      Tim                      



There is this weird codger named Wooters,                   
Who seeks to build quantum computers.                       
He's wagered two bits,                                      
He'll prevail without cubits,                               
But he finds he has many disputers.                         
                                                            
17512 COMPUTERS                      Jonathan P. Dowling      



I tried to push Explorer four                               
Out of this machine's little door,                          
But the computer                                            
Said to reboot 'er,                                         
And I'd just broken the CD drawer...                        
                                                            
17513 COMPUTERS                                               



There once was a female computer,                           
Who thought everyone should salute her                      
For being the best                                          
On every test,                                              
Including her work as a tutor.                              
                                                            
17514 COMPUTERS                      William Walker           



Computers were clearly elated                               
When a PC courageously stated                               
That men have no place                                      
In the silicon race,                                        
And that rocks are more closely related.                    
                                                            
17515 COMPUTERS                      Larry Dahl               



My computer can probably render                             
A universe lacking in gender.                               
The point of creation                                       
In this simulation                                          
Is something I fail to remember.                            
                                                            
17516 COMPUTERS                      Larry Dahl               



A computer named ILLIAC-4                                   
Had a rather tough bug in its core.                         
It chewed up the cards,                                     
And spewed yard and yards                                   
Of illegible tape on the floor.                             
                                                            
17517 COMPUTERS                                               



Sir Arthur's new PC machine                                 
Is slick as a dyke's vaseline;                              
And like a whore purring,                                   
The thing just keeps whirring,                              
While spewing out limericks, obscene.                       
                                                            
17518 COMPUTERS                      Mark Levy           P9601



The only thing MIPS can agree on                            
Is to build chips that glow brighter than neon.             
But now its OK                                              
Because we bought Cray,                                     
We can dip the whole system in Freon.                       
                                                            
17519 COMPUTERS                      Jamie Riotto             



An ousted young worker named Phil                           
Was taught to obtain a new skill.                           
Though he had the best tutors,                              
He could not beat computers,                                
And poor Phil went to bed with a chill.                     
                                                            
17520 COMPUTERS                      Albin Chaplin            



It's a dangerous time of the year.                          
Thunder and lightning are near.                             
My modem went PHUT!                                         
From the net, I am cut.                                     
A flash in the wan brings no cheer.                         
                                                            
17521 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Jim Weaver Collection    



My computer was caught in a net,                            
So I dragged it to the family vet.                          
He put it on its side,                                      
Looked into its drive,                                      
And said, "I think we've already met!"                      
                                                            
17522 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Jim Weaver Collection    



The powerhouse -- 166!                                      
I've never seen such an odd mix                             
Of wires and drives,                                        
That buzz like behives,                                     
And hang every time something clicks.                       
                                                            
17523 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Nik Synytskyy            



There once was a hacker named Cyrus                         
Whose computer developed a virus.                           
To get some surceases,                                      
He chopped it to pieces,                                    
And went back to using papyrus!                             
                                                            
17524 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Al Willis           T9710



In these days of A.1. and Byte,  (defunct computer mags)    
A computer controls day and night.                          
It can make a heart beat,                                   
Book your flight and a seat,                                
Is this done by design -- or by right!                      
                                                            
17525 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Arthur Pattaffy          



There's a vulture who sit on my screen                      
And smirks at that evil machine.                            
While that buzzard was lurking,                             
My hard drive quit working,                                 
And I've commented loud and obscene.                        
                                                            
17526 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           John Miller 0162         



When she worked, my computer I kissed.                      
When she sickened, I couldn't persist.                      
But to whom should I send her,                              
Since I couldn't mend her--                                 
Technician or Psychiatrist?                                 
                                                            
17527 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Laurence Perrine    P9304



My computer is fickle as hell;                              
Is it up?  Is it down?  Who can tell?                       
And the crashes? Sweet Jesus!                               
It does what it pleases.                                    
Hell, it ought to bleed monthly as well.                    
                                                            
17528 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED                                    



Lizzy Borden took an axe                                    
And plunged it deeply into the VAX;                         
Don't you envy people who                                   
Do all the things YOU want to do?                           
                                                            
                                                            
17529 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED                                    



I teach software to sit up and beg,                         
But last session I sure laid an egg:                        
My OS last night                                            
Learned to bark, growl and bite,                            
Now the PC is mounting my leg!                              
                                                            
17530 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           John Miller 0099         



A cute secretary, none cuter,                               
Was replace by a clicking computer.                         
'Twas the wife of the boss                                  
Put this deal across,                                       
You see, the computer was neuter.                           
                                                            
17531 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Ogden Nash               



A vengeful technician named Schmitz                         
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.                     
He covered the platter                                      
With bat fecal matter.                                      
Now, its seek time is really the pits.                      
                                                            
17532 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED                                    



There once was a cheesy young fellow                        
Who from using computers turned yellow.                     
Said he bitterly: "Fuck,                                    
The computers all suck!                                     
And most of them don't even swallow."                       
                                                            
17533 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED                                    



Computers, like cars, are called "She's".                   
They like when you tickle their keys.                       
Try inserting a floppy,                                     
They become a jalopy                                        
And stall with a "log off" and freeze.                      
                                                            
17534 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED                                    



You're so angry, you really did lose it;                    
Your computer you kicked and abused it.                     
The solution's to stop,                                     
Take it back to the shop,                                   
And explain that you're too dumb to use it.                 
                                                            
17535 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Mike Dale                



There was a young lady named Maisie;                        
About her new computer was hazy.                            
There were too many keys                                    
To handle with ease,                                        
Told her friends that she was going crazy!                  
                                                            
17536 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Arthur Pattaffy          



My PC has been on the fritz;                                
It's simply been giving me fits.                            
I think it's just old;                                      
The hard-drive's grown mold;                                
Mega bites have chewed it to bits.                          
                                                            
17537 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED                                    



For no reason your system will crash;                       
The screen you are tempted to smash.                        
You have tweaked and have fiddled,                          
But with bugs it is riddled.                                
So go toss the PC in the trash.                             
                                                            
17538 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Anon                     



A computer is just a machine.                               
You could never call it obscene.                            
So if you turn red,                                         
From words that it said,                                    
It's YOU who knows what they mean.                          
                                                            
17539 COMPUTERS - DISLIKED           Victoria                 



I was playing Quake with a mass,                            
Then I left to relieve some gas.                            
I was fragged constantly,                                   
When I was away, you see;                                   
Auto-fire joysticks, my ass!                                
                                                            
17540 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



To computers Miss VIP came                                  
To select her a man for her frame.                          
When the facts were supplied,                               
The computer replied:                                       
Your face and your cunt are the same.                       
                                                            
17541 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Albin Chaplin            



There's nothing like killing a Vore                         
And kicking its corpse on the floor.                        
Rockets, gernades,                                          
And even axe blades;                                        
It's the cleanup that's always a chore.                     
                                                            
17542 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



Death! Chaos! Rape! Murder! Distraction!                    
And killings!.. And raxings!.. Abduction!!                  
I'm violent today,                                          
'Cause DOOM I have played.                                  
This game ain't outdated a fraction.                        
                                                            
17543 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Nik Synytskyy            



DOOM 2 to all games I prefer;                               
To "Duke" and "Of Destiny Spear";                           
To annihilate Hell                                          
And all monsters as well,                                   
I will strive even in a nightmare.                          
                                                            
17544 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Nik Synytskyy            



Playing DOOM 2 is a swell;                                  
I'm running through levels of hell.                         
And big fierce monsters                                     
(Unlike Q2 "toasters")                                      
Assault me surprisingly well.                               
                                                            
17545 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Nik Synytskyy            



Running around on DM-1,                                     
Being gibbed by about everyone,                             
When along came a newby                                     
And before he could shoot me,                               
I fragged him with my double shotgun.                       
                                                            
17546 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I tried to use my computer                                  
To find an appropriate suitor,                              
But my pics, in a flash,                                    
Caused the darn thing to crash,                             
And resisted attempts to reboot her.                        
                                                            
17547 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Cyd                      



Well Sid, if your face doesn't fit,                         
This ruse here may well help a bit.                         
To have the gals falling                                    
For you and come calling,                                   
Why not post the face of Brad Pitt.                         
                                                            
17548 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Tiddy Ogg                



I was running around DM1,                                   
Being gibbed by about everyone.                             
When along came a newbie,                                   
Before he could shoot me,                                   
I fragged him with my old shotgun.                          
                                                            
17549 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Anon                     



There was a young chappy named Stu,                         
A sniper he was tall and true.                              
On his neck, felt a nick                                    
From a crafty medic,                                        
And he died then and there from the flu.                    
                                                            
17550 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There once was a player named Stan,                         
Who had a grenade in his hand.                              
When Stan stopped to cough,                                 
The damn thing went off,                                    
And no one could find him again.                            
                                                            
17551 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



"Grand Poobah was leading the clan,                         
Rocket launchers and nailguns in hand.                      
But we were all moshed,                                     
Since our clan had lost,                                    
Not one of us was left to stand.                            
                                                            
17552 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There once was a weenie named Joe,                          
Who blasted himself in the toe.                             
He let out a shriek                                         
That branded him weak;                                      
His death quickly came from below.                          
                                                            
17553 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



This is probably the best gun;                              
It makes Quake a whole lot of fun.                          
We all know the sound;                                      
They shout HIT THE GROUND!                                  
If you don't, you are very well done.                       
                                                            
17554 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There once was an ogre I killed,                            
Who had his fat nasty guts spilled.                         
He launched a grenade;                                      
I moved in with my blade.                                   
When my axe spilled his guts, I was thrilled.               
                                                            
17555 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



My victim had just stopped to beg,                          
My rockets blew him into smeg.                              
He got his vengance instead,                                
Something slammed into my head,                             
I was killed by his flying right leg.                       
                                                            
17556 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



Into the Net I jumped;                                      
Weapon ready, adrenaline pumped.                            
In the corner of my eye.                                    
I saw some lamer go by,                                     
Then on the ground, his body was slumped.                   
                                                            
17557 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



Lara Croft was a raider of tombs;                           
Her best weapon sent foes to their dooms.                   
Men she fought, had no chance                               
Once engulfed in the trance,                                
She induced with her mammoth bazooms!                       
                                                            
17558 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Lims For Year - 01       



Lara Croft launched a daring attack;                        
Guns ablaze, the tomb raider fought back.                   
'Twas a pity she died,                                      
But, alas, she relied                                       
On some twit with the joystick named Jack.                  
                                                            
17559 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Lims For Year - 01       



My trigger finger, it did itch,                             
Since some guy tried to give me the ditch.                  
I charged fast behind,                                      
And his ass was mine.                                       
"Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!"                      
                                                            
17560 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I've also played violent games;                             
Dreamed of rockets and guns and fast dames.                 
But kicking some arse                                       
Became less of a farce                                      
When my monitor went up in flames.                          
                                                            
17561 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Birko                    



I once was a Lama, you see.                                 
My keyboard was just fine for me.                           
There were keys everywhere,                                 
Knocked 'round here and there;                              
Damned Mousers they keep killing me.                        
                                                            
17562 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



My modem connection is grating;                             
Quake on 28.8, I am hating.                                 
The terrible lag                                            
Is always a drag,                                           
For instead of Quaking, I'm skating.                        
                                                            
17563 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There was a young woman whose suitor                        
Treated her just like his computer.                         
She let himn log-on,                                        
But she told him "Begone!"                                  
Whenever he tried to reboot her.                            
                                                            
17564 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Richard Long             



It came in the mail, a PC,                                  
So he got it all set up, now he                             
Plays with his new toy,                                     
It must bring him joy,                                      
'Cause he has no time left for me.                          
                                                            
17565 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



Well, order a massive vibrator                              
And use it in front of him straight or                      
Crooked. In your pants                                      
Insert it ... perchance,                                    
He might notice you, sooner or later.                       
                                                            
17566 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I already gave that a try,                                  
Right in front of him; spread my thighs.                    
The vibrator hummed,                                        
Glancing down he said, "Hon",                               
"My PC is going awry!"                                      
                                                            
17567 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



If you're being ignored by your spouse                      
While that PC engages the louse,                            
Just do what I do:                                          
When he's not within view,                                  
I remove the small ball from his mouse.                     
                                                            
17568 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I've got one more trick up my sleeve,                       
That just might work, I believe.                            
My pic on the web,                                          
Getting some head,                                          
From my next door neighbor, young Steve!                    
                                                            
17569 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



When you take that small ball                               
Does your spouse's mouse claw, squirm, and squall?          
Does it start in to wail?                                   
Must you pull on it's tail?                                 
Do you spread out it's wee legs at all?                     
                                                            
17570 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I see how things are at your house,                         
You get jollies de-balling a mouse.                         
Give him, also, a hug                                       
As you pull out his plug,                                   
When you finally get tired of the spouse.                   
                                                            
17571 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



My wife sits in front of the 'puter                         
That I got, thinking of how to suit her.                    
I sat here and cried                                        
Knowing that I tried                                        
To be the one who played with her pooter.                   
                                                            
17572 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I've been playing since quarter past noon,                  
And I think I can now see the moon.                         
My eyes are all crusty,                                     
My clothes smell real musty,                                
So someone please reach fifty SOON!                         
                                                            
17573 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Anon                     



I play a great game, it's called Quake!                     
All day and all night with no break.                        
I don't have a job;                                         
I've become a fat slob;                                     
It's better than rubbing my snake!                          
                                                            
17574 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There once was a game we call Quake,                        
That caused me to shiver and shake.                         
While hearing its sounds,                                   
My fears did abound,                                        
As I fell impaled on a stake.                               
                                                            
17575 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Anon                     



I've played QUAKE 1 and it sucks.                           
The monsters are funny small schmucks.                      
There's no point to fear                                    
That they'll toast my rear,                                 
With their puny and futile attacks.                         
                                                            
17576 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Nik Synytskyy            



If you think DOOM is just great,                            
Play QUAKE 2 - it's much better, mate.                      
And the graphics are cool,                                  
And the monsters more cruel,                                
And your death will be sooner, not late!                    
                                                            
17577 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Funny Bone               



Facing the wall, I did stand,                               
With only one rocket in hand.                               
My finger did slip,                                         
The rocket did rip,                                         
That that put an end to my plan.                            
                                                            
17578 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There's nothing I like more than scrags,                    
And putting their bodies in bags.                           
They drop left and right,                                   
Hardly put up a fight,                                      
While increasing my number of frags.                        
                                                            
17579 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Anon                     



The Shambler is quite a large beast.                        
He slaps and he kills with great ease.                      
A mistake I made,                                           
When I launched a grenade,                                  
For those affect him the least.                             
                                                            
17580 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



A shambler with quite a bad rash,                           
Got angry and then tried to smash                           
Everyone around,                                            
While making a sound                                        
Like several cars having a crash!                           
                                                            
17581 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



When running through the enemy base,                        
Take heed lest the bad guys give chase.                     
I failed to look back,                                      
And I felt a soft WHACK.                                    
The bullet emerged from my face.                            
                                                            
17582 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There once was a sniper named "Bard"                        
Who found that far-killing's not hard.                      
"I kill just for fun,                                       
All those that won't run,                                   
And any who let down their guard."                          
                                                            
17583 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



SPQ is the way of the day;                                  
Lag too great to enter the fray.                            
Gib a Fiend with an axe;                                    
Stop a Knight in his tracks;                                
Turn a Shambler to Shambler flambe!                         
                                                            
17584 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Anon                     



I purchased myself a computer,                              
And then hunted around for a tutor.                         
Now I write to Maggie,                                      
To Jenny and Aggie;                                         
My job's a computerised suitor!                             
                                                            
17585 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Arthur Pattaffy          



I was playing Superheroes 2,                                
When I was fragged by an Archmage or two.                   
I fired my flame,                                           
The gibs, how they came!                                    
I ripped the damn sucker in two!                            
                                                            
17586 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I grapple and capture the flag,                             
I blow the base guarders to rags!                           
And back to my base,                                        
The enemies give chase,                                     
But my T-1 offers no lag.                                   
                                                            
17587 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



I got this new computer toy.                                
It's not as much fun as a toy-boy.                          
I'm trying to understan'                                    
The pre-loaded program                                      
But help isn't any -- too coy!                              
                                                            
17588 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There once was an Ultima dude,                              
Who oft was incredibly crude.                               
Iolo was his name,                                          
And he gained his fame                                      
By constantly shouting "More Food!"                         
(I was raised in Yolo County, Calif. -McW)                  
17589 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



There once was a king called LB;                            
A wise and just ruler was he.                               
But in Ultima Seven,                                        
He should be in heaven;                                     
I killed him in Ultima Three.                               
                                                            
17590 COMPUTERS - GAMES                                       



The great battle was heavy and hot!                         
I just had to connect with each shot!                       
But then, full of dread,                                    
I found myself dead.                                        
So I put one more coin in the slot...                       
                                                            
17591 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Victoria                 



This bloody Windows Solitaire                               
Wastes so much more time that I care                        
To admit to or                                              
(Don't ask my high score)                                   
Discuss with anyone out there.                              
                                                            
17592 COMPUTERS - GAMES              Archie                   



A desperate VP named Greg,                                  
Asked if he could have at my leg.                           
I said, "Please be brisk,                                   
It will cost you a disk,                                    
And it better be two thousand meg."                         
                                                            
17593 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Paul Isaacs              



"My computer," said Reverend Mercer,                        
"Makes all of my sermons much terser,                       
But I think, for a preacher,                                
The device ought to feature                                 
A blesser instead of a cursor."                             
                                                            
17594 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           A. N. Wilkins       P8706



A networking team that I know,                              
Decided the traffic was slow,                               
And resolved that to boot a                                 
Recalcitrant router,                                        
Would help all the packets to flow.                         
                                                            
17595 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Jim Weaver Collection    



When he fired John, the big boss let slip                   
A fact which almost made him flip.                          
To replace him there'd be                                   
Not a standard PC,                                          
But one measly silicon chip.                                
                                                            
17596 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           A. N. Wilkins       P9304



I didn't know it would be such a bore                       
Not to have a CD any more.                                  
Not one game                                                
Will call me by name                                        
And the disks fall out on the floor.                        
                                                            
17597 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



For years, Intel has had its way                            
Until AMD gained its entree.                                
And if their competition                                    
Hurts profit prediction,                                    
Let the chipmakers fall where they may.                     
                                                            
17598 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Election 2000            



A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk,                         
Made love to the drive of his disk.                         
The thing circumsized him,                                  
Which rather surprised him,                                 
He wasn't aware of that risk.                               
                                                            
17599 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



There was a young lady named Liz                            
A true photocopying whiz.                                   
She'd copy a pie,                                           
Or a swiss cheese on rye,                                   
And a Pepsi complete with the fizz.                         
                                                            
17600 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Eric Perlin              



"My PC is a real swearer, yes sir!"                         
The priest said to his friend and confessor.                
"But to purge it of sin,                                    
I'm resolved to begin                                       
To call the thing's cursor a blessor.                       
                                                            
17601 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           A. N. Wilkins       P9304



Up on Mars is a marvelous cart;                             
Like your PC, it's state-of-the-art.                        
With some software that sucks,                              
Costing millions of bucks                                   
To see, "Fail, Abort, or Re-start?"                         
                                                            
17602 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           John Miller 0036         



There once was a computer owner,                            
Who used gunpowder instead of toner.                        
When he down-loaded,                                        
His printer exploded,                                       
And his mouse pad flew off to Pomona!                       
                                                            
17603 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



I e-mailed an over-sized banner                             
That Randy observed in this manner,                         
So he said to a chick,                                      
"I've got a neat trick,"                                    
Then he goosed her in front of the scanner.                 
                                                            
17604 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



An Internet surfer named Fred,                              
Took a laptop computer to bed.                              
But we'll never know why,                                   
For the poor little guy,                                    
Tried to give his hard drive some head.                     
                                                            
17605 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



Oh, ask not for whom the worm turned,                       
For my 'puter, its hard drive hath burned.                  
It took a full week                                         
Of the game, Hide and Seek,                                 
'Fore the 'puter store's profits were earned.               
                                                            
17606 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Liam na Beag             



Also the printers of Canon                                  
Should all be destroyed and be spat on.                     
The just sit there and                                      
Await the commands;                                         
'Stead of ink, they spew out pure venom.                    
                                                            
17607 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Nik Synytskyy            



And to think I just met him last week;                      
I'm so amazed I can hardly speak.                           
With such lavish hardware,                                  
I could do naught but stare;                                
In my mind, havoc he doth wreak.                            
                                                            
17608 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Robyn                    



They say that computers is hot,                             
So one of them gizmos I got.                                
Now I play on the keys                                      
With the greatest of ease,                                  
But IBMbarrassed a lot!                                     
                                                            
17609 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Norm Storer              



I fear that my keyboard has ants,                           
And I have to admit there's a chance,                       
That it's due to my eating,                                 
While surfing and reading.                                  
I'll stop that, ere they advance!                           
                                                            
17610 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



Technology's truly come far,                                
From then, to the time where we are;                        
Edward Lear would say "Cripe!...                            
Now you don't have to type --                               
You just scan with a quick OCR!"                            
(OCR - optical character reader)                            
17611 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Cap'n Bean               



There once was a FET named MOS,                             
In VLSI, she was the boss.                                  
Had an I-V plot,                                            
That made us geeks hot,                                     
And gave her a low power loss!                              
                                                            
17612 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A linguist thought it a farce,                              
That memory space was so sparse.                            
One day he increased it.                                    
Said he as he seized it,                                    
"At last!  Enough core for the parse".                      
                                                            
17613 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



My friends have computers, it seems,                        
That can't get much done but in teams;                      
So they tie them together                                   
With a network of tethers,                                  
But they still can't beat my Pick machine.                  
                                                            
17614 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



There once was a man named Brister,                         
Who was known as a helluva trickster.                       
He wore a top hat,                                          
And nothing but that;                                       
Saying, "See?  I'm a new type transistor!"                  
                                                            
17615 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A BJT modeled by SPICE;                                     
It is a three-port device,                                  
Base and collector,                                         
Make you respect her,                                       
But it's the emitter that is really nice.                   
                                                            
17616 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Jim Weaver Collection    



He invited her round to his house                           
Where he showed her his digital spouse.                     
He said, "She's a hussy                                     
And although there's no pussy,                              
She has an exceptional mouse".                              
                                                            
17617 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



Street parades, which once honored "square shooters"        
And such heroes, brought out fans and rooters.              
Those were the times where                                  
Ticker tape filled the air.                                 
Now they'd dodge ancient disks and computers.               
                                                            
17618 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Loren Fitzhugh           



I really hate this damned machine;                          
I wish that they would sell it.                             
It never does quite what I want,                            
But only what I tell it.                                    
                                                            
                                                            
17619 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



Visual computing problems are graphic.                      
The superhighway is O.D.ing with traffic.                   
There's so much to remember,                                
More disk space by November,                                
Or else memory that is photographic.                        
                                                            
17620 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           John Cahill              



Said the vendor to Charlie one day,                         
You can have it but not 'til you pay.                       
So he coughed up the cash,                                  
Then he left in a dash,                                     
As he stylused his Palm V -- Hooray!                        
                                                            
17621 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Caf                 P9911



It has been said: if you have no manners,                   
Then you have neither printers nor scanners.                
But if you need to scan,                                    
As a rule, you still can;                                   
Use some other tools - spanners and fanners.                
                                                            
17622 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Slava Meskhi        P0007



The legs of a lady named Ida                                
Were quite a potential divider,                             
But she thought it much cuter                               
To act as computer                                          
And have rigid digits inside her.                           
                                                            
17623 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                               G2603



My computer repairman smokes poppies.                       
His works of art could be called "sloppies."                
My blouse he did frisk,                                     
Exposed his hard disk,                                      
"Here's my Wang -- show me your floppies!"                  
                                                            
17624 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Jane D. Hughes      P9208



There once was a nun from Nantucket,                        
Hid skimmed alms for more RAM in a bucket.                  
Prayed while down on her knees,                             
"Can't these SIMMs grow on trees?                           
No more theft - make that tree - then I'll pluck it!"       
                                                            
17625 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



My computer is blazingly fast,                              
Obsolescence a thing of the past.                           
Till it froze on a game,                                    
And I found that the blame                                  
Was a sound-card rated dead-last.                           
                                                            
17626 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Jordon                   



I'll berate my fucking speakers                             
That stink even more than my sneakers.                      
While playing a sound,                                      
If cranked up real loud,                                    
Turn into some big-assed ear-kickers.                       
                                                            
17627 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Nik Synytskyy            



There once was an FET named Jay,                            
He had only one thing to say:                               
"Just bias my gate,                                         
It feels really great,                                      
You can turn me on and off all day."                        
                                                            
17628 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE           Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was an Internet freak,                           
Who gave his modem a tweak.                                 
His V.34                                                    
Shot out of the door,                                       
Just missing a priceless antique.                           
                                                            
17629 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE                                    



There once was a 486                                        
That featured some frustrating tricks.                      
It's long bootup foreplay                                   
Would last past a whore-lay,                                
And then it would laugh at your clicks.                     
                                                            
17630 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Norm Storer         P9804



My monitor -- Noah-old Magnavox --                          
Some shit and some glass in a box.                          
It makes a BUZZ sound,                                      
Zaps all folk around,                                       
And ticks like a truckload of clocks.                       
                                                            
17631 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Nik Synytskyy            



There once was a technician chap,                           
Who forgot to use a ground strap.                           
His driver card blew,                                       
Along with the CPU,                                         
And his sound-blaster card uttered - ZAP!                   
                                                            
17632 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU                              



My computer's got Intel inside,                             
But my boss is going to have my hide.                       
What I said that would work                                 
Like simple clock-work,                                     
Is now almost five months behind.                           
                                                            
17633 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Jordon                   



My computer has got MMX,                                    
But I think it has way too much flex.                       
'Cause the hard drive it choked                             
And the CPU smoked.                                         
Now it's as good as a 286.                                  
                                                            
17634 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Jordon                   



There once was a chip from Intel                            
Whose floating point unit was Hell.                         
With every division                                         
It lost some precision,                                     
And for products, nobody could tell.                        
                                                            
17635 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     John Torben et al        



A computer's insides are complex --                         
Electronic quads, abs, and pecs.                            
But none of it's numb,                                      
So the P.C. can come                                        
(With Intel Inside, it likes sex).                          
                                                            
17636 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Norm Storer         P9804



I think I'm just gonna die.                                 
10 million transistors, Oh my!                              
With the Pentium now smaller                                
Than a new silver dollar.                                   
Hey, its called VLSI.                                       
                                                            
17637 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU                              



It cost me not one single dime,                             
But I've now got old programs to chime                      
At Megahertz 800,                                           
So now, if you've wondered,                                 
I'm only one year behind time.                              
                                                            
17638 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Tiddy Ogg                



These new CPU's are some beauts,                            
And they put me way up on you brutes.                       
Through the beeps and the chimes,                           
I have crashed several times,                               
Before your old machine even boots.                         
                                                            
17639 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Tiddy Ogg                



Here's how it once used to be:                              
While booting, I'd brew me some tea;                        
Receiving my post,                                          
I'd go and burn toast,                                      
But now my bread's wholly soot free.                        
                                                            
17640 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Tiddy Ogg                



I think that I think that I am,                             
Thought a Pentium processor, Sam.                           
If you take me apart                                        
You will find no Descartes                                  
Because cogito ergo, I'm Sam                                
                                                            
17641 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Larry Dahl               



There once was a Pentium chip                               
That thought it was perfectly hip,                          
But with megahertz measured                                 
At speeds highly treasured,                                 
It offered more tease that real strip.                      
                                                            
17642 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Norm Storer         P9804



My computer's a Pentium Pro,                                
Makes my Amiga really look slow.                            
But what could be done,                                     
With two clicks or one,                                     
Takes five clicks and two strokes to go.                    
                                                            
17643 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Jordon                   



My computer's a Pentium II,                                 
And does what my XT could do.                               
But is'nt much faster                                       
At causing disaster,                                        
Such as re-formatting my hard drive in two.                 
                                                            
17644 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Jordon                   



I concede my computer now knows                             
More each day, for its memory grows.                        
But I still can't explain                                   
How a silicon brain                                         
Can know that I know that it knows!                         
                                                            
17645 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Larry Dahl               



Computer biz players are betting,                           
On developments they could be dreading.                     
It seems Windows XP                                         
Needs beefed-up PC's;                                       
For new sales their appetites whetting.                     
                                                            
17646 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - CPU     Dr Limerick              



No, while cleaning my desk and redo-                        
ing arrangments of hardware I pu(t)                         
The most sanctified tower                                   
Of pentium-power                                            
On the edge of my desk, then turned to                      
                                                            
17647 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES                           



Moving boxes filled heavy with books;                       
Cleared the floor of my study that looks --                 
Well, 'twas messy indeed.                                   
When the cat 'neath my feet                                 
Made me jump, hit my desk-chair which shook,                
                                                            
17648 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES                           



When it rolled 'cross the room and did crash                
'Gainst the desk, the PC. In a flash                        
The disaster unfold-                                        
Ed to me; couldn't hold                                     
Books and tower. So I was awash...                          
                                                            
17649 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES                           



Had no dough for repairs, was so broke --                   
Almost slept with the 'puter-shop bloke!                    
(Fortune saved me from - YUKK!-                             
This most terrible fuck,                                    
But the cyberless time did provoke...)                      
                                                            
17650 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES                           



I'm writing this verse on a Mac.                            
These Apple-made boards make me gack!                       
It crashes to pieces                                        
If somebody sneezes,                                        
And you can't get that lost data back!                      
                                                            
17651 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  ROE                      



A Mac is a wonderful tool,                                  
But you need to remember this rule:                         
"An Apple a day                                             
Keeps the data away."                                       
(I think I was taught this in school.)                      
                                                            
17652 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  Peter Wilkins            



Computer, now kindly behave,                                
Because I'm the boss, you're the slave.                     
New computer or not,                                        
I'll give you the chop,                                     
If you Quit when I've told you to Save.                     
                                                            
17653 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  John Pickersgill         



My eyesight's not good, it is true,                         
But I'm SURE I pressed S, and not Q.                        
Don't sit there and blink                                   
Just so I will think                                        
It was me, IT WAS NOT -- IT WAS YOU!                        
                                                            
17654 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  John Pickersgill         



With my joystick, I've had some bad luck;                   
Here's the second one I've had to chuck.                    
Do I grip it too tight?                                     
Is this tugging all right?                                  
Can I jerk it, just like a young buck?                      
                                                            
17655 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  Allen Wolverton          



Do I yank it too hard when I pull                           
Back and forth, side-to-side on a roll?                     
Does it get too much whip                                   
In my hot clammy grip?                                      
The abuse must have taken its toll.                         
                                                            
17656 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  Allen Wolverton          



This here joystick has had its last fling;                  
It will no longer stand like a king.                        
Look here!  See it dangle                                   
At a most awkward angle,                                    
And the FIRE button won't harm a thing.                     
                                                            
17657 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  Allen Wolverton          



I purchased a "handheld" for workin',                       
But soon left my co-workers smirkin'.                       
For I always thought                                        
The Palm Pilot I bought                                     
Was hardware for jerkin' your gherkin.                      
                                                            
17658 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  Irish                    



Then I downloaded Aitch's coin flipper.                     
I know I should try to be hipper,                           
But I couldn't pry                                          
The disk from my fly;                                       
The file said to use my un-zipper!                          
                                                            
17659 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  Irish                    



I galloped from Aix towards Ghent,                          
But forgot why the hell I was sent.                         
So I slammed on the brakes,                                 
And I galloped to Aix,                                      
Back the way I originally went.                             
                                                            
17660 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  Peter Wilkins            



I answer, "Of course!" with a frown.                        
"You carried some news from that town!"                     
And the reason, of course                                   
Why you used a horse:                                       
That day your damn server was down!"                        
                                                            
17661 COMPUTERS - HARDWARE - SERIES  John Miller              



A hacker who screwed a mag tape,                            
Was caught and convicted of rape.                           
To jail, he did go,                                         
From which, to his woe,                                     
He couldn't get out with <esc>.                             
                                                            
17662 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



An AI researcher named Bluth,                               
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,                        
Eroticon VI,                                                
Which he taught certain tricks                              
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.                     
(Eroticon - ??, Knuth - ??)                                 
17663 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



Becky's a lady I know,                                      
A computer whiz, quite on the go;                           
Information's a breeze,                                     
When hitting the keys,                                      
For she's the best hacker I know.                           
                                                            
17664 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



An ancient librarian named Bell                             
Was wicked and then went to Hell.                           
His mind was encumbered                                     
With decimal numbers,                                       
His body wracked with U.R.L.'s                              
                                                            
17665 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Steven P. Masticola      



A bright young programmer named Howard,                     
At ten years old was highly powered,                        
He was brought up on bytes,                                 
Ignored his class fights,                                   
But at twenty his vision had soured!                        
                                                            
17666 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Arthur Pattaffy          



Computers in school are first rate.                         
There's agreement by every classmate.                       
One summed it up well,                                      
And wrote, "I excell;                                       
Computurs, I thenk, is reel grate."                         
                                                            
17667 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Al Willis          TP9806



Poor Janie, one terrible night,                             
As her disk space became much too tight;                    
Accidentally slipped                                        
Into recursive ZIP;                                         
Got compressed down into just one byte!                     
                                                            
17668 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Computing is much like fine art;                            
They're basics to master to start.                          
But stifling demands                                        
On creative hands                                           
Cool the fire that burns in their heart.                    
                                                            
17669 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Terrance Boult           



A kid was a regular log-in                                  
To a zoo board in South Copenhagen.                         
While it gave him some thrills,                             
The telephone bills                                         
Made his folks throw him out on his noggin.                 
                                                            
17670 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Actaeon                  



A net nerd took hold of his floppy,                         
And held down the button marked "Copy."                     
He tapped "Maximize"                                        
To increase its size,                                       
But "Paste" got him sticky and sloppy.                      
                                                            
17671 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man from Cape Verde                        
Whose young children called him a nerd                      
For eschewing TV                                            
And saying with glee,                                       
Couch potatoes are really absurd.                           
                                                            
17672 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Harry Rubin         P9211



Bessie hired an innocent young tutor                        
To teach her to use the computer;                           
She tried the time-share                                    
And stroked his software,                                   
But he just couldn't input to suit her.                     
(prize winner in Canterbury Limerick Contest)               
17673 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Harry Yates         P8512



There was a young man, Jason Vickery,                       
Who worshipped A. Jackson (Old Hickory).                    
But his face looked quite ill                               
On the twenty-buck bill,                                    
Where he placed it with computer trickery.                  
                                                            
17674 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a Comp Science Lecturer, Zhart,                        
Explaining the programmer's art,                            
"When the job is complete,                                  
Ctrl-Alt-Delete                                             
Will boot you right back at the start.                      
                                                            
17675 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



From an ancient Egyptian papyrus,                           
A professor translated a virus.                             
It was rather terrific                                      
For an old hierogllyphic:                                   
His computer was cursed by Osiris.                          
                                                            
17676 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Cybergeezer              



I am so damned fed up with spammers;                        
My mailbox is full of their yammers.                        
I think if they're caught,                                  
Their punishment ought                                      
To be smashing their 'puters with hammers.                  
                                                            
17677 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Cheryl                   



A software technician from Digital,                         
Had hardware extremely prodigical.                          
It's rumored, I hear,                                       
That when he was near,                                      
He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.              
                                                            
17678 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm smart, I'm a tech-support boy;                          
My kung-fu is kosher, not goy.                              
And though it's not sacred,                                 
I troubleshoot naked,                                       
Which is risky for corporate employ.                        
                                                            
17679 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Anon                     



Although watching TV is no plus,                            
At the people who do it, don't fuss.                        
We never should berate a                                    
Complete couch potato,                                      
Expecially net nerds like us.                               
                                                            
17680 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Cyber Geezer             



My friend who's a PC technician,                            
Was arrested for his bad decision.                          
On the councilman's Mac                                     
He stupidly tacked                                          
On a DOS 6.02 partition!                                    
                                                            
17681 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Niall Gillett            



I sit here and twiddle my thumbs;                           
This download's so long, I'm near numb.                     
Oh when will it end;                                        
I thought Netscape a friend;                                
Twiddle deedo, twiddle dido, twiddle dum.                   
                                                            
17682 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Sahollar           TP9804



An Internet wedding is sweet;                               
It's cheap, easy, fast, and complete.                       
Of course, if divorce,                                      
Becomes par for the course,                                 
Just pull up the file -- hit delete!                        
                                                            
17683 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Travis Brasell           



A hardware debugger named Court,                            
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.                        
But its buffer array                                        
Only handled 1K,                                            
So the port's driver cut it off short.                      
                                                            
17684 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



The crocuses happily blooming,                              
Auger that springtime is looming.                           
While Pan capers and pipes,                                 
Those computer types                                        
Remain in their caves network Dooming.                      
(Doom is an addictive computer game - McW)                  
17685 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Stiffy Joe               



A structured programmer named Drew,                         
Was intensely turned on by "goto".                          
When he saw it in code,                                     
He'd shoot off his load.                                    
It's a good thing his shop used so few.                     
                                                            
17686 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



Our computer's hijacked by our boys;                        
It replaces all their standard toys.                        
Eating, sleeping, TV,                                       
Are numbers one to three;                                   
I'll admit it is handled with poise.                        
                                                            
17687 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Arthur Pattaffy          



With Internet porn quite unbarred,                          
My teenager's PC has starred                                
Such bosomy queens                                          
That he's come in his jeans --                              
No wonder his C-drive is hard!                              
                                                            
17688 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Norm Storer         P9806



He tells us, in story and song,                             
Of his talent and overworked dong.                          
But the women he'll bed                                     
And want to be wed,                                         
Don't want to be wed to Joe Long.                           
(an example of an excellent flaming - McW)                  
17689 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Stephanie Smilay         



Is a man to be labeled a louse                              
If he spends much less time with his spouse?                
Does he have a defense                                      
For the joy so intense,                                     
That keeps him busy clicking his mouse?                     
                                                            
17690 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



If a man spends less time with his spouse                   
Than he does with a clickable mouse,                        
Then he's addicted to 'puters                               
Or to pictures of hooters,                                  
And he's lucky to stay in the house.                        
                                                            
17691 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



He was just an AOL lamer,                                   
Trying hardest to become a flamer.                          
With keyboard in hand,                                      
He took on the land.                                        
Then his mom killed him, ya' blame her?                     
                                                            
17692 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A husband whose wife once was cuter,                        
Was arrested for trashing her 'puter.                       
His logic was right,                                        
For night after night                                       
It turned him into a neuter.                                
                                                            
17693 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Judith Wagner            



Melvin, who worshipped the Web,                             
Was a nebbish -- his friends called him "Neb!"              
One day cast his eyes here                                  
And won the first prize here!                               
Now Melvin's become a celeb!                                
                                                            
17694 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A computer programmer ill lucked,                           
By computer made plans to get fucked.                       
With his program perverted,                                 
His prick he inserted                                       
Then missed Enter and hit the Destruct.                     
                                                            
17695 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Albin Chaplin            



'Windows' does not make much sense;                         
Their utility is all just pretense.                         
And I don't give a toss                                     
About MS DOS,                                               
I'd rather have paper and pense.                            
                                                            
17696 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Emmanuel Lamprecht       



A programmer down in Moline,                                
Said, "I'm a match for any machine.                         
My secret's aversion                                        
To loops and recursion,                                     
Just acres of inline routine.                               
                                                            
17697 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



My grandson's a fine lad of ten,                            
Since birth, on computers he's been;                        
With PC's he's magic,                                       
Although it was tragic                                      
When "Grandpa," he asked, "What's a pen?"                   
                                                            
17698 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Travis Brasell           



With kids who are taking Computer,                          
Both parents will now need a tutor,                         
Or seem to become                                           
Increasingly dumb,                                          
Instead of appearing astuter.                               
                                                            
17699 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Raymond Winkler     P8311



Last year Tim and Joanie went steady,                       
But in the summer she met Freddy.                           
Fred is a geek;                                             
Has a lucky streak;                                         
And IBM offers already.                                     
                                                            
17700 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Lynn Mostafa             



John never comes home to the house.                         
"He's working too hard!" cries his spouse.                  
He toils all night,                                         
'Neath the terminal's light,                                
With only one hand on the mouse.                            
                                                            
17701 COMPUTERS - NERDS              David Morin et al        



Hard disks can be great razz-ma-tazz;                       
They compute and do all that jazz;                          
Unlike poor Joe Schmo                                       
Who can't come, only go                                     
Because software is all that he has.                        
                                                            
17702 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Ann Gasser          P8904



Dee and I then got in my jalopy,                            
And things got all sticky and sloppy.                       
Though the pleasure was great,                              
Dee's disease took my eight                                 
And now it's a 3.5 floppy.                                  
                                                            
17703 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Scott                    



Your floppy is getting Dee's oft stare,                     
As well as her snickering, coughed glare.                   
Your hard drive has crashed                                 
And Dee, feelings smashed,                                  
Is left with your outdated software.                        
                                                            
17704 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Travis Brasell           



I clearly am not thinking straight,                         
At work, I have stayed much too late.                       
My head is so sore,                                         
I must sleep before                                         
On my keyboard, I lay down my pate.                         
                                                            
17705 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Sue                      



There once was a hacker named Pete,                         
Who was judged to be charming and sweet.                    
He was well-liked by all,                                   
From the great to the small,                                
And was cool as a penguin in heat.                          
                                                            
17706 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



A systems programmer named Sprotic,                         
Found his software intensely erotic.                        
In jealous distress,                                        
He wiped his OS.                                            
It's possible that he's psychotic.                          
                                                            
17707 COMPUTERS - NERDS              VOL 11                   



While Anne tapped on her notebook computer,                 
Noting the orthoepy of router,  (customary pronunciation)   
While no one could doubt her                                
When she called it a router,                                
She felt that a router was cuter.                           
                                                            
17708 COMPUTERS - NERDS              The Weaver Collection    



The computer assisted Miss Kate                             
To find her a husband first rate.                           
But the programmer wily                                     
Seduced her twice slyly,                                    
Before finding a qualified mate.                            
                                                            
17709 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0226



There was a young girl, a real cracker,                     
Who spent all her time as a hacker!                         
When her boss found this out,                               
He did jump, rave and shout.                                
What else could he do then -- but sack her!                 
                                                            
17710 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Arthur Pattaffy          



A lady programmer from Utah                                 
Fell in love with her handsome computah,                    
And when hot with desire                                    
Encompassed its wire --                                     
Which speedily rendered her neutah.                         
                                                            
17711 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Hugh Oliver         A116B



There was this odd programmer guy                           
Who came to this page bye and bye.                          
He entered a rhyme                                          
And blushed red as wine;                                    
Just goes to show that he's shy.                            
                                                            
17712 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



There one was a ham from Connectic,                         
Whose solder was soft and eutectic.                         
It started to flow                                          
And as we all know,                                         
That's when it quickly turned hectic!                       
                                                            
17713 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Bill Turner              



A spammer who spammed on the net                            
Was as bad as a spammer could get.                          
He spammed every group                                      
With insidious poop,                                        
Even me and Hussein and the Pope, yet.                      
                                                            
17714 COMPUTERS - NERDS              John Miller 0002         



I couldn't be any more terser;                              
I showed her my mouse and my cursor.                        
I bit on her floppy;                                        
She kicked my hard copy;                                    
My 'Lan', I was tempted to curse her.                       
                                                            
17715 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Al Willis                



In the chaplaincy, some people stay                         
From dawn till the end of the day.                          
The attraction is clear;                                    
Computers are near,                                         
Not the company, as some people say.                        
                                                            
17716 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh hear the sad words to my song;                           
Though I study both hard and long,                          
I never can see                                             
Till I hit ENTER key,                                       
The thing that I did that was wrong.                        
                                                            
17717 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Michael Donn             



The old fashioned ways are all wet;                         
I will not stay with them, you bet!                         
Why bother to look                                          
It all up in a book?                                        
I can do twice as much on the Net!                          
                                                            
17718 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Tom Marlowe              



That computing is first about coding,                       
Is a thought I find simply foreboding.                      
We should teach them instead                                
About using their head                                      
Or in 10 years, careers will be folding.                    
                                                            
17719 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Terrance Boult           



There once was a Usenetter named Mark,                      
Whose gender was kept in the dark.                          
He/She/It said with a nod,                                  
"My ancestors were odd!                                     
Did Noah need two for the ark?"                             
                                                            
17720 COMPUTERS - NERDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl shared a virtual meal                                
With a fellow who wasn't for real,                          
Sharing virtual laughs                                      
Over GIFs, PIFs and gaffes,                                 
'Til he turned her off, lacking appeal.                     
                                                            
17721 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



A computer-matched date left young Irv                      
Without some of his usual verve.                            
"For," he told his friend Harry,                            
"It's just a bit scary                                      
To find out what you really deserve."                       
                                                            
17722 COMPUTERS - NERDS              A. N. Wilkins       P8502



Computers have minds of their own                           
For PC'ers, this widely is known.                           
Windows is such a joke,                                     
Gates' license we'll revoke,                                
'Cause Macintosh seeds have been sown!                      
                                                            
17723 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



To me, its quite plain to see                               
The poor man in Kent must be                                
A Microsoft user                                            
A natural loser                                             
Using Windows 95 or NT                                      
                                                            
17724 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



While in Windows his message was fine,                      
'till he sent it along down the line.                       
It got lost in the Sun                                      
(and that wasn't much fun;                                  
the MX was all in a Bind).                                  
                                                            
17725 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                       



There are many occasions to weep                            
In this trip to the ultimate leap.                          
My tears are untrussed                                      
For I see that I've just                                    
Wiped a file I intended to keep.                            
                                                            
17726 COMPUTERS - NERDS              VOL 10                   



Carole, my lovely betrothed,                                
A particular habit of mine loathed.                         
I'd awake late at night,                                    
And strange verse I would write,                            
As I sit at the 'puter unclothed.                           
                                                            
17727 COMPUTERS - NERDS                                  T9712



Posting THAT one was more than a pain                       
And I often took Gate's name in vain                        
After every foul crash.                                     
(Hey - who can I bash                                       
After Micro$soft's sundered in twain?)                      
                                                            
17728 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES                               



Gates demo'd his Win-98,                                    
At a lucheon for dollars a plate.                           
But his new system crashed                                  
And old Billy got bashed,                                   
By his audience, unfed and irate.                           
                                                            
17729 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Ystap              TP9804



I'm not a believer in fate,                                 
But if Gates were to reincarnate,                           
He'd return as a nun,                                       
Attila the Hun,                                             
Or perhaps Alexander the Great!                             
                                                            
17730 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Anon                T9710



That wonderful human, Bill Gates                            
Reviewed his incredible rates.                              
He chortled with glee,                                      
Oh say, don't you see                                       
I've a product they love to hate.                           
                                                            
17731 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      SlvrBear                 



Bill Gates says that he has no edge,                        
His system is merely a wedge,                               
To make your PC                                             
Jump up and say "Whee!"                                     
IE is the "fix", that's his pledge.                         
                                                            
17732 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Ystap                    



He's the titan of software, I've heard,                     
Though he looks pretty much like a nerd.                    
"Where do you want to go?"                                  
Microsoft wants to know,                                    
Which is what Bill is asked when chauffeured.               
                                                            
17733 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Larry Hollister          



Gates is smart, tempermental, and surly;                    
To outfox him, you'd better start early.                    
He's ensured his survival,                                  
Destroying each rival,                                      
But the Gates he won't get past are Pearly.                 
                                                            
17734 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Larry Hollister          



Bill Gates, you're a wonderful guy;                         
Your money could reach to the sky;                          
Give me some cash,                                          
Or your stocks will go crash,                               
And you kiss your sweet ass goodbye.                        
                                                            
17735 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      John Miller's daughter   



Bill Gates is much richer than I;                           
There's not much that his money can't buy.                  
But his wealth can't prevent                                
An attacker hell-bent                                       
On assaulting his face with a pie.                          
                                                            
17736 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Larry Hollister          



Hickory Dickery Bill                                        
Wants to be King of the Hill;                               
To be the main one                                          
Of the browsers we run...                                   
(Can he really get richer STILL!)                           
                                                            
17737 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      PJ                  T9710



Bill Gates built a very big house;                          
He loved it but not so his spouse.                          
"It's huge and it's drafty                                  
And you have to be crafty                                   
When you spend all day strapped to a mouse."                
                                                            
17738 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh such a reward from the Fates,                            
That someone as smart as Bill Gates,                        
Who can have it all,                                        
Hears from people small,                                    
Whom I would consider ingrates.                             
                                                            
17739 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



He earned what he has, if you will,                         
With bold entrepenurial skill,                              
But like ATT,                                               
Some folks hate to see;                                     
If it's big, they've just got to kill.                      
                                                            
17740 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



Oh let us sing praise and raise cheers,                     
For athletes that chew off their ears,                      
Or lawyers who see,                                         
Great wealth, OJ free,                                      
Living on lies and folks fears.                             
                                                            
17741 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



Remember the savings-loans gents?                           
Where are all their punishments?                            
The same crew abroad                                        
Take Asia to fraud;                                         
The poor get to pay all the rents.                          
                                                            
17742 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



So now we have our "honest" Feds,                           
Who sleep with such crooks in their beds,                   
Going after Bill,                                           
The ploy, a good shill.                                     
They'll wear the "white hats" on their heads.               
                                                            
17743 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



Perhaps Bill can say "can't remember",                      
And apologize ere they dismember,                           
Or fine tune a poll,                                        
By taking on role,                                          
And get a new dog in December.                              
                                                            
17744 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



He must then select a cute bitch,                           
The canine type, of course, the which                       
Will need a name new,                                       
Then like me and you,                                       
Call her "Dolly", after aunt rich.                          
                                                            
17745 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



Better give Internet to Japan,                              
Then grovel as best as you can.                             
When our wealth is gone,                                    
The sun will shine on,                                      
Success for the new Asian man!                              
                                                            
17746 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



There is a guy named Bill Gates;                            
When a girl from Seattle he dates,                          
He shows her the Needle,                                    
(His name for the tweedle)                                  
It's micro but such are the Fates.                          
                                                            
17747 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Gates is as soft as can be,                            
Like oven warmed cheese -- let's say Brie.                  
He said, "Please don't stare!                               
Like it's not an Altair!"                                   
And Paul Allen is softer than me!"                          
                                                            
17748 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Jim Weaver Collection    



His date showed disgust for this fare                       
And replied, "DOS is too much to bear.                      
Windows we need                                             
If we must do the deed.                                     
Please let me get out for some air!"                        
                                                            
17749 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Well, things they just got really GUI,                      
And before you all could say phooey.                        
No matter what you think                                    
Of Gates and his dink,                                      
You have to admit he is chewy.                              
                                                            
17750 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Have you no pity for Gates?                                 
He who judge Jackson berates.                               
Bill swears he is innocent                                  
But Jackson is vehement,                                    
'Cause Windows monopoly he hates.                           
                                                            
17751 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Roger Morris             



To force Microsoft to a SCISSION                            
Has long been Justice's vision,                             
In nailing Bill Gates                                       
And his billionaire mates,                                  
But mostly they're met with derision.                       
                                                            
17752 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Eric Seaberg             



Bill Gates has erected a guard                              
To see that all cross-links are barred.                     
But I'd sure like a whack                                   
At that cute little Mac --                                  
And to prove it, my C: drive is hard.                       
                                                            
17753 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Norm Storer         P9804



Bill's software indeed's pretty hard,                       
Full of bloatware and bugs by the yard.                     
But if I were Bill Gates,                                   
I'd ignore you ingrates                                     
And my lims would get royal regard.                         
                                                            
17754 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES                               



A fellow named Gates, no carouser,                          
Indicted because of his browser,                            
Cried: "Reno at Justice                                     
Is trying to bust us;                                       
Just what did we do to arouse her?"                         
                                                            
17755 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Cybergeezer              



Bill Gates was always quite glad,                           
When a googolplex of money he had.                          
But when NASDAQ it dropped,                                 
His big bubble popped,                                      
And the billion that left seemed too bad.                   
                                                            
17756 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Larry                    



Microsoft called them all temps,                            
In a crude and transparent attempt                          
To reap their production,                                   
But give them no options,                                   
And from benifits keep them exempt.                         
                                                            
17757 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Election 2000            



Bill Gates, I've heard, thinks                              
Of a new software package and winks.                        
Now you can smell on the Net                                
But you can't do it yet                                     
'Cause you have to buy Microsoft Stinks.                    
                                                            
17758 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES                               



"What monopoly?" asked Mr. Gates.                           
"I intend to establish the rates                            
For all commerce and fun                                    
That is under the sun,                                      
But just in contiguous states."                             
                                                            
17759 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Cyber Geezer             



Bill Gates made a billion and said,                         
"I believe it is high time I wed."                          
When he climbed in the sack                                 
His new bride made this crack,                              
"We need hardware, not software in bed."                    
                                                            
17760 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Don Moore           P2006



While his honeymoon jet was aloft,                          
Gates's clothing he decided to doff.                        
Said Melinda to he                                          
"Only now do I see                                          
Why your company's called Micro Soft."                      
                                                            
17761 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES                               



"Young boys -- that's disgusting and rude;                  
I'll report you for being so lewd.                          
What's your name?"  "William Gates."                        
"And your friend?"  "Master Bates.                          
Now stop staring through Windows, you prude."               
                                                            
17762 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Peter Wilkins            



Some days, it's my earnest contention,                      
To write to Bill Gates and just mention                     
That Windows, it seems,                                     
Was hatched as bad dreams,                                  
Made like a Rube Goldberg invention.                        
                                                            
17763 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES      Chris Papa               



Late for work?  No sex?  Blame Bill Gates!                  
One person the whole world hates.                           
But, like doggies in collars,                               
They still give their dollars                               
To the richest dude in the U. States.                       
                                                            
17764 COMPUTERS - NERDS - GATES                               



There was an old hacker named Jay,                          
Used to play with his PC all day.                           
Till his 5-inch floppy,                                     
Spit out data all sloppy,                                   
"Parity odd now.  Still want to play (Yea/nay) ?"           
                                                            
17765 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Jim                      



A newsgroup nerd hankered for tail,                         
The computer store clerk had for sale.                      
But on her laptop,                                          
His drive was a flop.                                       
So she said, "abort, retry, or fail?"                       
                                                            
17766 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Bruce Thompson           



If life for you isn't too sweet,                            
And problems have fair got you beat,                        
Then type out a list,                                       
With a flick of the wrist:                                  
Select all, and then hit delete.                            
                                                            
17767 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Tiddy Ogg                



A programming genius named Hugh                             
Said, "I really must see if it's true."                     
So he wrote a routine                                       
To ask "What's it all mean?"                                
But the answer was still '42'.                              
                                                            
17768 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           R Humphries              



If you like your computer computable,                       
Never download a file executable.                           
You'll surely regret                                        
Any virus you get;                                          
You're lucky your booter's still bootable.                  
                                                            
17769 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Eight bits or two nibbles, a byte...                        
It's like lunch.  Hey that works!  Well, it might.          
But bytes by the bunch,                                     
Make words.  If that's lunch,                               
Then machines eat their words, ain't that right?            
                                                            
17770 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Victoria                 



A programmer from the town of Dunkirk,                      
Would work with a most evil smirk.                          
Thought he "Buyer Beware!                                   
If you use my software,                                     
Because in it a virus will lurk."                           
                                                            
17771 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Roger Morris             



Cyclic Redundancy Checks                                    
Are intended to faze and perplex.                           
But John, my dear friend                                    
I feel sure that you penned                                 
This because of that alien sex.                             
                                                            
17772 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



As prose it's a good piece of work;                         
And there's much, I admit, made me smirk.                   
But those database blocks                                   
Are like pairs of old socks,                                
If you lose 'em they'll drive you berserk.                  
                                                            
17773 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Your zip file I'll leave well alone                         
'Cause I don't want my database blown,                      
By selective extraction                                     
Of blocks out of action,                                    
With bad CRC's never shown.                                 
                                                            
17774 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Or are you like me and write specs                          
On the back of your hand to perplex                         
All your clients, dear John,                                
So that after they're gone                                  
They can't blame you for database wrecks?                   
                                                            
17775 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Disassembling your code, I concede                          
May reduce its good WARP factor speed.                      
But that bug you can fix                                    
With your programming tricks,                               
And then Jack will be happy indeed!                         
                                                            
17776 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



I have an employer named Floss,                             
Who swears there is nothing like DOS.                       
Is your OS is GUI,                                          
She will always say "Phooey!                                
Any window is nothing but dross."                           
                                                            
17777 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Roger Morris             



There was a young man who said: "Hey!                       
Some e-mail adresses don't say                              
What country they're from;                                  
They just say .com,                                         
While others say co.uk."                                    
                                                            
17778 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Richard Long             



The government's well-known conniptions                     
About dangers of e-mail encryption                          
Were quite premature;                                       
Now the Feds can procure                                    
A stroke-by-stroke keyboard transcription.                  
                                                            
17779 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Dr Limerick  11-23-01    



In the old days, you'd get free updates;                    
Now they don't even offer rebates.                          
For bucks One hundred nine,                                 
I can get screwed just fine,                                
Without any help from Bill Gates.                           
                                                            
17780 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           John Miller              



I used to use Netscape Communicator;                        
I was happy and wanted no more.                             
But thanks to Bill Gates                                    
And Win 98,                                                 
I must browse with Explorer 4.                              
                                                            
17781 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Puff Adder               



There is now no need to be sore;                            
Your Netscape will work like before.                        
Running Win 98                                              
And Netscape works great,                                   
And I don't have to use IE4!                                
                                                            
17782 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Frito Bandito            



There was a programmer in Bath,                             
Who gave up formal methods in wrath.                        
"I swear that I knew                                        
What my programs should do,                                 
But you can't write a 'goto' in math."                      
                                                            
17783 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Carla Marceau            



When a program you're starting to write,                    
To prevent it from turning out shite,                       
Eliminate dreck,                                            
By writing a spec,                                          
And then it will be all right.                              
                                                            
17784 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Ben Strulo               



A lady of appetites strong                                  
Believed formal methods were wrong,                         
Till specified actions                                      
Released chain reactions                                    
Concurrent, ecstatic, and long.                             
                                                            
17785 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Chris Holt               



That Google search engine's "da bomb";                      
The best in the world of dot.com.                           
You want information                                        
For edification?                                            
You'll find it with speed and aplomb.                       
                                                            
17786 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Randog                   



Let me get straight to the point;                           
I hate MS Powerpoint.                                       
The darn thing won't print,                                 
Won't give you a hint;                                      
It's worse than a pain in the joint.                        
                                                            
17787 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Nik Synytskyy            



A computer could give me the power                          
To graphically morph Hoover Tower                           
So from all points of sight                                 
It leans left and not right,                                
So beneath it Republicans cower.                            
                                                            
17788 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Life isn't a field of fresh clover,                         
So theres no need to go supernova                           
At lifes twists, day by day                                 
On the info highway,                                        
More than likely you'll just get run over.                  
                                                            
17789 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



This Information Technology                                 
Sounds rather pretentious, you see.                         
They think they are IT.                                     
I think they are shit.                                      
They made my computer hate me.                              
                                                            
17790 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Marlene                  



They cannibalize the OS;                                    
Win-95's not good at best.                                  
Explorer they hid,                                          
On games put a lid,                                         
The whole system is just a mess.                            
                                                            
17791 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Marlene                  



It wants all my files on the server.                        
It's using this profile observer.                           
They lose my damn files.                                    
They they are all smiles.                                   
"The system works!" It claims with fervor.                  
                                                            
17792 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Marlene                  



I fought for the use of Excel;                              
The Win-Quatro-Pro is just Hell!                            
The "Cutting Edge" they say                                 
Is where it is today,                                       
Just before they drop the bombshell.                        
                                                            
17793 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Marlene                  



I purchased some software for me;                           
Just using it has set me free.                              
I get my work done;                                         
It's so much more fun                                       
Than fighting with that damned IT!                          
                                                            
17794 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Marlene                  



I hide docs and files on my hard drives                     
And I have some private li'l archives.                      
I purchased some disks,                                     
Avoiding the risks                                          
Of discovery when IT arrives.                               
                                                            
17795 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Marlene                  



From my PC there came a strange odor,                       
Burning plastic and fast melting solder;                    
Then came smoke, putrid green,                              
And I saw on the screen                                     
Microsoft Internet Exploder.                                
                                                            
17796 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Tiddy Ogg                



A demented programmer named Zachary                         
Wrote code to write novels like Thackeray.                  
It boiled lots of pots                                      
Of characters and plots,                                    
But it was all done with trickery and hackery.              
                                                            
17797 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Susan Addington          



The suspect was using encryption                            
So the G-men got a warrant for fixin'                       
A "keyboard-sniff yoke"                                     
To report all his strokes,                                  
And help to secure a conviction.                            
                                                            
17798 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Dr Limerick  01-04-02    



A topless Floridian female                                  
Once jilted an AT@T male.                                   
Of vengeance disirous,                                      
He made her a virus,                                        
And fully exposed her by e-mail!                            
                                                            
17799 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Prof M-G                 



Software written by me and my peers,                        
Wasn't written to last years and years.                     
Now they pay us big bucks                                   
Fixing software that sucks,                                 
While soothing big management's fears.                      
                                                            
17800 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           John Miller              



Now computers find fellows a mate,                          
McLuhanish digital fate.                                    
When a child comes to pass,                                 
He's tattooed on his ass,                                   
"Do Not Staple, Bend, Fold, Mutilate."                      
                                                            
17801 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Regards Microsoft 98,                                       
The best thing to do is to wait                             
Until 99,                                                   
And have some more wine.                                    
At New Years you'll be out of date.                         
                                                            
17802 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Standard Oil, ATT, Microsoft,                               
Do run against the trust busters oft,                       
Because they're successful,                                 
Make money (a mess full)                                    
Government wants their hats to be doffed.                   
                                                            
17803 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Daniel Ford              



In Microsoft Windows XP,                                    
There's a flaw in the security;                             
They made it so stable,                                     
That hackers are able                                       
To go in the front door with no key.                        
                                                            
17804 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Dr Limerick  12-20-01    



There was a young fellow named Moss,                        
Said to greatly minimise loss,                              
Back up all you write;                                      
Run chkdsk every night,                                     
And save files when you exit from DOS.                      
                                                            
17805 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Alexander Baron          



I'm working for outrageous pay                              
Because of the damn y2k.                                    
I'm saving up plentium,                                     
And come the millenium,                                     
I plan to just piss it away.                                
                                                            
17806 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



On my high resolution display,                              
My computer turns work into play.                           
I catch politicians                                         
In awkward positions,                                       
And morph their excuses away.                               
                                                            
17807 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Larry Dahl               



There once was a computer nerd                              
Who discovered a fact quite absurd.                         
His poor hair had turned white                              
While installing, all night,                                
MS Windows -- that big software turd.                       
                                                            
17808 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Is Netscape the ultimate browser?                           
Are there two legs in every trouser?                        
Nothing can compare                                         
With a browser so rare,                                     
So believe me or go ask Doc Howser!                         
(so who is Doc Howser? - McW)                               
17809 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Lisa                     



Where is Netscape with its magical powers?                  
You could browse on the Internet for hours.                 
Now with IE four-o,      (Microsofts Internet Explorer)     
It's so maddenly slow,                                      
When I download, I head for the showers!                    
                                                            
17810 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Ystap              TP9802



There was a young man who sent e-mails                      
To various dubious females.                                 
When asked what they said,                                  
He just shook his head;                                     
"I'd rather not go into details."                           
                                                            
17811 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Richard Long             



Let's all shed a tear at the fate                           
Of the poor CS student from State.  (CS - computer science) 
His recursive routines                                      
Never ended it seems,                                       
'Cause they just wouldn't (re-(re-(re-(re-...  (reiterate)  
                                                            
17812 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Jim Hursey               



My buddy, a regular he-male,                                
Announced he would send me an e-mail.                       
He was good as his word                                     
But I felt so absurd --                                     
I thought he was sending a female.                          
                                                            
17813 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           John E Maywood           



Sure, send me your code for a crack                         
Of stuff made for Radio Shack                               
Or TI or Adam.                                              
Us guys who once had 'em                                    
For a fee can send source listings back.                    
                                                            
17814 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



A functional programmer in bed                              
Regarded I/O with great dread.                              
'Use monads', you say --                                    
But I think, "No way.                                       
They make steam come out of my head."                       
                                                            
17815 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Simon P Jones            



At Nijmegen, Aachen, and Kiel                               
They argue about look and feel.                             
But at Glasgow and York                                     
They pull out the cork                                      
And monitor programs with zeal.                             
                                                            
17816 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Chris Clack              



Functional Programmers did well                             
Discussing work at IFL.                                     
Though they value it high,                                  
The Devil brought by                                        
Assignments and goto's from Hell.                           
                                                            
17817 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Marco Pil                



A promise of lazy reduction                                 
Is fraught with a purist seduction.                         
For the size of the graph                                   
Would make von Neuman laugh,                                
While the Ram makers all boost production.                  
                                                            
17818 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Greg Michaelson          



A computer who thought he was bright,                       
Ray-traced a companion one night.                           
The result, so it seems,                                    
Was the girl of his dreams,                                 
Now nothing he does is quite right.                         
                                                            
17819 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Larry Dahl               



Logged onto the computer one night.                         
Turned out I was in for a fright.                           
When I read all the news,                                   
I was given some views                                      
Of some cows on a screen.  Goodnight!                       
                                                            
17820 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Anon                     



With a trusty workstation I'd render                        
An alternative world without gender.                        
Though I fear that I might                                  
Simulate in the night,                                      
A world that is even less tender.                           
                                                            
17821 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Larry Dahl               



To train on the toilet was dull,                            
So Mom, on new methods, did mull.                           
Instead of a potty,                                         
She taught the wee totty                                    
To output to slash dev slash null.                          
(means what and in what language? - McW)                    
17822 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Eye halve a spell cheque on my pee sea.                     
It nose a mist ache and lets me see                         
Weather I'm wrong oar write.                                
(It works all threw the knight)                             
Miss steaks?  It kin fix them sew easy!                     
                                                            
17823 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



My spelling is reely kwite bad                              
So a spellcheka i'm so glad i had                           
But it seams to have gone rong                              
And Bee four much two long                                  
The air roars will bee dry vin me mad                       
                                                            
17824 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Microsoft's fortress was sacked,                            
When Windows and Office were hacked.                        
Now somebody knows                                          
Developer's codes,                                          
That third-party vendors have lacked.                       
                                                            
17825 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Dr Limerick              



When one's mind is too burnt out to code,                   
It is best that one lightens one's load.                    
One should do something fun;                                
One should then, once begun,                                
Not forget to get back on the road.                         
                                                            
17826 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           James Devine             



My files are stored down in the crypt,                      
And down there with Zoe I slipped.                          
The files were compressed,                                  
As in there we pressed,                                     
But soon I had Zoe unzipped.                                
                                                            
17827 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



And what of the VIRUS, the scare?                           
Check doctor or check Medicare.                             
But in cyberspace                                           
A sudden erase,                                             
As you with a mouth open stare.                             
                                                            
17828 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Oval office actions should call cops,                       
When boos for sultry ones just hops.                        
While interns may tire us,                                  
The Monica virus                                            
Is safer: it does just lap tops.                            
                                                            
17829 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Daniel Ford              



We can brag how our missiles are smart                      
Blowing hard installations apart,                           
But what can inspire us                                     
To fight off a virus,                                       
Where our arsenal's not worth a dog fart?                   
                                                            
17830 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Jim Weaver Collection    



When Greg ran for senior class president,                   
They learned that he set a new precedent;                   
He rigged the election                                      
Through viral infection;                                    
This program was memory resident.                           
                                                            
17831 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Matthew Montchalin       



Can one little kid move the world?                          
"Beats me," said Cyndy, hair curled.                        
"The teeters that totter,                                   
If big enough, otter;                                       
But viruses will if they're hurled."                        
                                                            
17832 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Matthew Montchalin       



Damn this browser of mine!                                  
I wrote half a dozen just fine                              
About brothel and bimbo --                                  
They went into limbo,                                       
And I cannot remember one line!                             
                                                            
17833 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           John Miller              



My computer is top of the line,                             
And software runs just fine.                                
But Win 95                                                  
Cannot stay alive,                                          
Without a beep and a whine.                                 
                                                            
17834 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Jordon                   



My computer's got Win 95;                                   
I think DOS should be revived.                              
New programs may run,                                       
But old stuff is done;                                      
Important records can't be archived.                        
                                                            
17835 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Jordon                   



Hey, girls! (And you guys who are gay)                      
Technology now leads the way.                               
If you masturbate                                           
Using Win98,                                                
You'll come where you want to today.                        
                                                            
17836 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



Windows is also a loss;                                     
It's second-rate mainly because                             
Made by too big a crew,                                     
It was never thought through,                               
And was built on a nightmare called DOS.                    
                                                            
17837 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Kevin Moore              



If you think I don't like Bill Gates,                       
Or his expensive, incredible rates,                         
You just might be right                                     
'Cause it was just last night                               
I spent rebuilding from 95 mistakes.                        
                                                            
17838 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           SlvrBear                 



Of computers I have only three,                             
Two pentiums and a 486 you see.                             
The two on 95                                               
Both have a crashed drive,                                  
The one on 3.x is for me.                                   
                                                            
17839 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           SlvrBear                 



When you thought it could never get worse,                  
Things have gone from bad to perverse.                      
Proudly dubbed "95",                                        
It eats RAM alive,                                          
As it increases Microsoft's purse.                          
                                                            
17840 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Kevin Moore              



Win 95, it is true,                                         
Is a system that is like unto glue.                         
It pastes and sticks things                                 
In incredible rings,                                        
Wherever you don't want it to.                              
                                                            
17841 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           SlvrBear                 



I had Windoz working quite well,                            
Thought one more tweak would be swell.                      
Now I sift thru the ashes                                   
Of multiple crashes                                         
Of my Win98SE shell.                                        
                                                            
17842 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE                                    



My computer is only the best,                               
But Windows is still just a test,                           
Of resources and memory,                                    
And in overall summary:                                     
Bill Gates should be stabbed in the chest.                  
                                                            
17843 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Jordon                   



In safe mode, I've dug through my cache,                    
After windows went down with a crash.                       
From folder junk piles,                                     
I've rescued my files,                                      
And reformatted windows from ash.                           
                                                            
17844 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Goin2later               



I'm now getting access from cable;                          
So far my new modem is stable.                              
With the software installed,                                
My CPC's firewalled,                                        
So hackers can't feast at my table.                         
                                                            
17845 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE           Travis Brasell           



\exists a young lady called Carrie         (There ...       
Who, \forall his attentions, ates ary.                      
Over chips and a \pi                                        
She says with a \Xi                                         
"I'll be ' \Leftarrow init \vee i marry"                    
"I'll be dashed if I knit or I marry."                      
17846 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Michael Brennan          



The world is turning to C.                                  
Though at best, it is taught awkwardly.                     
But we don't have to mope,                                  
There's a glimmer of hope                                   
In the methods of formality.                                
                                                            
17847 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    David Gries              



A good saleslady, Lenore,                                   
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.                  
She found a good way                                        
To combine work and play:                                   
She sells C shells by the seashore.                         
                                                            
17848 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG                             



Mathematicians rumble and cuss                              
About languages like C++.                                   
The semantics are clear                                     
To all programmers here:                                    
The compiler decides it for us.                             
                                                            
17849 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Carla Marceau            



The battles of LOTOS and Z                                  
Were as vicious as vicious could be.                        
But when it got to the point,                               
The decision was joint;                                     
Fuck it, let's do it in C.                                  
                                                            
17850 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Ben Strulo               



On programs and coding we've mused,                         
Often finding assertions confused.                          
Haskell we've found                                         
Is really quite sound.                                      
Why can't it ever be used?                                  
                                                            
17851 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Phil Trinder             



You could make your students march,                         
Through Z's triumphal arch.                                 
But if they must deal                                       
With languages real,                                        
You really should teach them Larch!                         
                                                            
17852 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Jim Horning              



If you don't like what Gates makes you pay,                 
Open source codes may yet save the day.                     
Run apps made for Windows                                   
With the Linux-based Lindows                                
And help Redmond collapse in decay.                         
                                                            
17853 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dr Limerick              



"I feel, Tom, that Windows is dead.                         
I think I'll use Linux instead."                            
Said Mary as she                                            
Sat perched on Tom's knee.                                  
"You mv me," Tom awkwardly said.                            
                                                            
17854 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Ericka                   



Writing programs in Modula-2                                
Is the worst possible thing you can do.                     
The computer compiles                                       
One percent of your files,                                  
Leaving all the debugging to you.                           
                                                            
17855 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG                             



Write scripts for Jim Carrey?  Of course!                   
Good people trust me as their source.                       
(But please excuse me                                       
Just who in Hell's he?                                      
Do I write it in Pascal...Or Morse?)                        
                                                            
17856 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG                             



Said a distinguished Professor called Hughes                
With standard Haskell we can't lose.                        
And all of his friends                                      
Had debates without ends,                                   
About a language that no one could use.                     
                                                            
17857 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    David Wakeling           



I bet you thought this gripping tale,                       
Which moves like a galloping snail,                         
Would feature at least,                                     
One man and one beast;                                      
This tale just has only one male!                           
                                                            
17858 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dick Hull                



His vet told him without a fuss,                            
He had long-sight in both eyes and thus                     
Our chimp did realize                                       
And to this fact got wise --                                
He could not see...he see plus plus!                        
                                                            
17859 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dick Hull                



He began creating loops that swing                          
And nested ones ready to take wing.                         
His programs were all bright;                               
You always felt they might,                                 
Have been created in the spring.                            
                                                            
17860 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dick Hull                



He wrote neat programs by the heap;                         
Just one thing that troubled him deep:                      
A thought that made him sigh;                               
Whatever he did try,                                        
Java upset his rhythm of sleep.                             
                                                            
17861 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dick Hull                



Oh God, how ever could this be...                           
Would he still lose to humanity?                            
He dropped each of his dates,                               
Took training from Bill Gates,                              
But Java was not his cup of tea!                            
                                                            
17862 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dick Hull                



He consulted experts through the mail;                      
He was determined not to fail.                              
Alas, he had no chance                                      
To make this advance,                                       
'Cause this is a human written tale.                        
                                                            
17863 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dick Hull                



I don't want to give you all a fright,                      
But this tale is true, no verses light                      
If no plus (in it) you see,                                 
Be my guest, feel free                                      
To hold Control, Alter and Delite!                          
                                                            
17864 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Dick Hull                



A very intelligent turtle,                                  
Found programming UNIX a hurdle.                            
The system, you see,                                        
Ran as slow as did he,                                      
And that's not saying much for the turtle.                  
                                                            
17865 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG                             



I struggled with For Loops and While                        
Loops converting a CSV file                                 
Using cut, paste and head,                                  
-10, awk and sed,                                           
Plus utilities equally vile.                                
                                                            
17866 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG                             



Oh how I hate Windows ME;  (millennium edition)             
I'd piss on the authors for free.                           
This huge pile of shits                                     
Is giving me fits.                                          
Why I changed is way beyond me.                             
                                                            
17867 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Squat                    



A sprightly young fellow from Bree,                         
Wrote a good specification in Z.                            
"It's all in my head,                                       
But it's right," so he said.                                
So he coded it up correctly.                                
                                                            
17868 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    James A. Foster          



A Yank formalist rose from bed,                             
To specify programs in Z.                                   
"Programming," quoth he,                                    
"Is for fellows from Bree,                                  
Who must work for their daily bread."                       
                                                            
17869 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow named Hoare,                        
Who thought writing programs a bore.                        
Then someone said                                           
"Why not substitute Z?                                      
Perhaps 'twill be less of a chore."                         
                                                            
17870 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Ben Strulo               



There was a young fellow named Dilla,                       
Who claimed his Z book was a thrilla.                       
As a matter of fact,                                        
Standard syntax it lacked,                                  
And a dialect not quite vanilla.                            
                                                            
17871 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Ben Strulo               



A thesis on matters semantic,                               
Drove a whole lot of programmers frantic.                   
Understanding Z(ed),                                        
A misnomer, 'tis said,                                      
Reviled on both sides of the Atlantic.                      
                                                            
17872 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Ben Strulo               



Americans talk differently                                  
From the folks in the mother country.                       
Formal methods are wed                                      
In Great Britain to Z(ed),                                  
But Americans all call it Z(ee).                            
                                                            
17873 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Carla Marceau            



A Greek shopper happened to see,                            
A book with the title of 'Z'.                               
"These equations", he said,                                 
"Are over my head.                                          
The movie seemed clearer to me!"                            
(Z was also a movie made in Greece.)                        
17874 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Jim Horning              



A language whose trademark is Z(ed),                        
Where programs and math can be wed,                         
Users detail each state,                                    
Showing how states relate,                                  
Yeilding specs that can never be read.                      
                                                            
17875 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    David Parnas             



An American programmer said,                                
"I view specifications with dread.                          
I can program in C,                                         
VDM, Ada, or Z,                                             
But I cannot program in Zed.                                
                                                            
17876 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Jim Horning              



A promising logician called Fred                            
Fell in love with a language called Z(ed),                  
But luckily his friend                                      
Said, "No!  This must end!"                                 
And packed him off promptly to bed.                         
                                                            
17877 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Ben Strulo               



A young man awake in his bed,                               
Had lewd thoughts bizarre in his head.                      
"If I can't make it normal,                                 
I'll make it all formal,                                    
And express the whole damn thing in Z(ed)."                 
                                                            
17878 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Tom Marlowe              



At the Irish School of VDM,                                 
They do it because of tedium, (TDM)                         
But if they tried Z                                         
It would go to their head;                                  
There seems to be no happy medium. (meDM)                   
                                                            
17879 COMPUTERS - SOFTWARE - LANG    Jonathan Bowen           



If you don't want computers to dive,                        
Start planning ahead to survive.                            
In eight thousand years hence,                              
It won't make much sense                                    
For a four-digit date, only five!                           
                                                            
17880 COMPUTERS - Y2K                H Myers            TP9804



Let chaos around you unfurl,                                
And not to get caught in the whirl.                         
Maintain outlook bright,                                    
And on New Year's night,                                    
Remember to be a good girl!                                 
                                                            
17881 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Daniel Ford              



Y2K makes computers act strange.                            
The dates will be all out of range.                         
Hey, What's all the fuss!?                                  
It'll only cost us                                          
Fifty billion kajillion and change.                         
                                                            
17882 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Dave Boss                



At the end of 1999, at midnight,                            
All the bytes and the bits will take flight.                
P.C.s piled on the floor                                    
Will function no more,                                      
To the abacus dealer's delight.                             
                                                            
17883 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Prof                     



Come 2000, time's technical junction,                       
My computer may face Extreme Unction.                       
But what I most query                                       
Is, will I be merry,                                        
And thus prove I'm still able to function.                  
                                                            
17884 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Stanley Bashkin          



Humankind an ingenious lot?                                 
With our computers, I rather think not.                     
We shall cause our demise;                                  
Armageddon arise,                                           
When we once again hit the year dot.                        
                                                            
17885 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Friar                    



Mr. Holmes said, "It's quite elementary,                    
And the proof is all evidentiary.                           
In the files, under year,                                   
Two bytes don't appear,                                     
They've been stolen -- the crime of the century!            
                                                            
17886 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Terry Miller             



There was an old man, Father Time,                          
Said, "Brother can you spare a dime?                        
My years are two-digit;                                     
The dollars to fix it                                       
Equate to the largest known prime!"                         
                                                            
17887 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Graham Hannington        



The millenium's not far away;                               
Get onto your coding today.                                 
Fix it or fudge it;                                         
The Boss won't begrudge it,                                 
If everything works on that day.                            
                                                            
17888 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Robyn Croft              



The century's there in disguise,                            
But, alas, we all know that time flies.                     
When 99's past,                                             
We'll all learn, at last,                                   
That using four digits is YYYY.                             
                                                            
17889 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Neil Bloomfield          



Millennial predictions gave fright;                         
Said the end of the world was in sight.                     
But the bug Y2K                                             
Must have led them astray;                                  
Lets thank goodness those assholes weren't right.           
                                                            
17890 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Tom Patton               



Y2K, is there some way to slow it?                          
And if not, will we really blow it?                         
Perhaps some young heroes                                   
Can conquer the zeroes,                                     
And save us this world, as we know it.                      
                                                            
17891 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Island Singer      TP9901



As 2000 comes ever closer,                                  
Will computers crash? What will occur?                      
Will all systems fail?                                      
Will we wind up in jail?                                    
Are your taxes paid? Yes sir? No sir?                       
                                                            
17892 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Ystap                    



We coded and coded all night,                               
To make all the dates work just right.                      
And because of our code,                                    
The world didn't explode                                    
On December 31st at midnight.                               
                                                            
17893 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Matt Horan               



So now that 2000 is here,                                   
It appears we have nothing to fear;                         
Our computers still ran                                     
And no shit hit the fan --                                  
It is simply another new year.                              
                                                            
17894 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Cap'n Bean               



Well, I did get me quite a few yucks                        
Hacking sloppy old software that sucks.                     
Fixing up Y2K                                               
For pretty good pay,                                        
And I could use few thousand bucks.                         
                                                            
17895 COMPUTERS - Y2K                                         



Some forty-odd years ago,                                   
There were things we didn't know;                           
Like Y2K                                                    
May someday,                                                
Cause our computers to blow.                                
                                                            
17896 COMPUTERS - Y2K                                         



It really's no matter how long.                             
The year 2000 is wrong.                                     
That's when this one will end                               
My misinformed friend.                                      
Wait for 2001 to go B-O-N-G!                                
                                                            
17897 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Arden                    



As for 2001, it is so;                                      
But for postponing boning, say "No!"                        
I just can't wait that long                                 
Before bonging my gong --                                   
So both New Years Eves, BONG I'll go!                       
                                                            
17898 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Arden                    



He'll be bonging, least that's what he said,                
Meaning "banging", I think in its stead.                    
But they're sure not the same,                              
The bong tickles your brain,                                
While the other one tickles your head.                      
                                                            
17899 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Mike                     



Aren't you and I the lucky one,                             
Getting ready for calendar fun!                             
The night will soon be                                      
A countdown you see;                                        
A bimillenary Millennium?                                   
                                                            
17900 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Maggie                   



The end of an era approaches,                               
Fresh thoughts that this turning point broaches:            
All hail a new spring,                                      
For the joy it will bring;                                  
Time to shed tired ways and reproaches.                     
                                                            
17901 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Joel D Ash          P0900



The apocalypse's nothing to fear,                           
For the end of the world is not near;                       
Many changes no doubt,                                      
As new ideas sprout,                                        
And the limits of man disappears.                           
                                                            
17902 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Joel D Ash          P0900



The next thousand years will unfold,                        
With wonders untold to behold;                              
The advancement of life,                                    
No more endless strife,                                     
Threshold of an age of pure gold.                           
                                                            
17903 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Joel D Ash          P0900



Every chest filled with glorious hope,                      
Peace and progress as we learn to cope;                     
The ascension of art,                                       
The expansion of heart,                                     
Opportunities boundless in scope.                           
                                                            
17904 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Joel D Ash          P0900



Exploration of infinite space,                              
Truth and beauty pervades every place;                      
Past dreams coming true,                                    
Renaissance heights anew,                                   
Brotherhood that we all will embrace.                       
                                                            
17905 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Joel D Ash          P0900



This millennium for jubilation,                             
Sweet virtue achieves adulation;                            
Omnipresence of love,                                       
Lasting flight of the dove,                                 
All rejoice in a global elation.                            
                                                            
17906 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Joel D Ash          P0900



The firm had a collective thrill                            
Regarding the Y2K ill;                                      
It will work out fine,                                      
They'll go back in time.                                    
One hundred more years they can bill.                       
                                                            
17907 COMPUTERS - Y2K                                         



A millenium date-buster named Lidgetts,                     
Who tried all known "hard" and "soft" widgets,              
Said, "Not well does this bode --                           
There's no space in this code,                              
For adding those two blasted digits!"                       
                                                            
17908 COMPUTERS - Y2K                FCA                TP9804



There once was a firm called Defiance,                      
Who had an unholy alliance                                  
With the 2-digit date;                                      
You can guess their fate --                                 
It sure doesn't take rocket science!                        
                                                            
17909 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Karen Basiulis           



The cash you have stashed should hold out                   
In case that the banks are all out.                         
But worry?  Not me!                                         
I feel very carefree!                                       
I refuse to take part and pout.                             
                                                            
17910 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Maggie                   



The new century has come. Now allayed                       
Is angst stirred by the fear-monger trade.                  
All you chickenshit souls                                   
Can come out of your holes --                               
This old world has not been Y2K'd.                          
                                                            
17911 COMPUTERS - Y2K                William N Nesbit         



Y2K will bring on a mob scene;                              
We'll dump Pentiums in the latrine.                         
We'll all go berserk,                                       
And nothing will work,                                      
And our eyes will be 19/19,                                 
                                                            
17912 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Tom Patton               



A year ago, byte-heads cried wolf;                          
Billions wasted on the Y2K goof.                            
So now we're all wary                                       
And don't find them scary,                                  
Without a whole boatload of proof.                          
                                                            
17913 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Election 2000            



Y2K, and isn't it grand?                                    
There's consulting all over this land,                      
For old fogeys like me                                      
(And we don't work for free!)                               
Fixing software only we understand.                         
                                                            
17914 COMPUTERS - Y2K                John                     



The millennium's not really here,                           
For we still have another whole year,                       
Until 2001,                                                 
When the century's done,                                    
The the NEXT thousand years will appear.                    
                                                            
17915 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Cap'n Bean               



It's not that I'm not a good sport,                         
But millennial parties abort!                               
While the plans for next year                               
Will bring everyone cheer,                                  
The current century's one year short.                       
                                                            
17916 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Tom Patton          P9912



The year 2000 as some define,                               
"A millennial year."  Asinine!                              
19 centuries yes                                            
Plus one a year less                                        
The 20th has just 99.                                       
                                                            
17917 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Tom Patton          P9912



We'll have such a problem with dates,                       
If we don't solve it before it's too late.                  
Just two missing digits,                                    
But we really must fix it;                                  
Other projects will just have to wait.                      
                                                            
17918 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Carl Elkins              



How remorselessly time seems to flow                        
Towards that brave dawn of two oh oh oh.                    
As I see the picture,                                       
The rich will get richer                                    
And, oh yes, some computers will blow.                      
                                                            
17919 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Linda Marsh Coll         



Some in 999 had the fear                                    
That their own world would end the next year.               
Just as with Y2K,                                           
We wonder today,                                            
Will our whole high tech world disappear?                   
                                                            
17920 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Irving Superior     P9902



The year 2000 arrived,                                      
And all of my systems survived.                             
My suppliers went bust                                      
(Who I thought I could trust)                               
And my company's share price has dived.                     
                                                            
17921 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Richard Yendall          



Concern for the New Year now stems                          
About Y2K dread mayhems.                                    
This madness forbid,                                        
Do as Romans did,                                           
Think of the time as 2M                                     
                                                            
17922 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Chris Papa               



A distant descedant of Nero                                 
Planned to be the millenium hero.                           
But he fiddled around,                                      
With time winding down,                                     
And soon found his years turned to zero.                    
                                                            
17923 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Len Sokol                



Millenium bug-hunter Bill                                   
Said "Boss, we've just got until                            
The end of the year                                         
To get these bugs clear.                                    
But at this rate, we never will!"                           
                                                            
17924 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Gary Smith               



I have to work double shifts                                
Checking processors, phones, and lifts.                     
I've looked everywhere                                      
With no time to spare,                                      
'Cause two zeroes is really the pits.                       
                                                            
17925 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Phil Barnett             



As the start of the century's near,                         
What names for that year will we hear?                      
Will we say "Oh-Oh"?                                        
With all the bugs, No!                                      
We may call the year "Uh Oh", I fear.                       
                                                            
17926 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Lawrence J. Krakauer     



We may have the 2000 bug,                                   
The CEO said with a shrug.                                  
But I won't shed a tear,                                    
I retire next year,                                         
So I swept the thing under the rug.                         
                                                            
17927 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Roger Thomas             



A Millennium bug named Curly,                               
Had the whole world all in a whirly.                        
Said the people "Oh dear!                                   
When we saw you were here,                                  
We got excited a whole year too early".                     
                                                            
17928 COMPUTERS - Y2K                                         



Symposium sessions Y2K                                      
Are all the rage for sages to say,                          
That they know the reasons                                  
For wanting the seasons:                                    
Dark ages stemmed from Problem Y1K.                         
                                                            
17929 COMPUTERS - Y2K                Daniel Ford              



Said she, "I find Christmas enthralling                     
With carols and gay deck the halling.                       
So sweet, come with me                                      
And we'll trim the yule tree --                             
We'll hug and we'll kiss after balling."                    
                                                            
17930 CONGRESS - AFTER               Bob Giandomenico    P8712



Said young Joseph to beautiful Nadya,                       
"It's many long years since I hadya."                       
Said she, "You're a rat,                                    
To talk about that.                                         
Why can't you keep secrets, you cadya?"                     
                                                            
17931 CONGRESS - AFTER               Isaac Asimov             



I'm limp and totally sated.                                 
Passion has finally abated.                                 
With our sweat I am drenched,                               
And my thirst has been quenched.                            
I'm feeling narcotically sedated.                           
                                                            
17932 CONGRESS - AFTER               Petal                    



The girl told the lawyer, "Let's net us                     
Enough so the jerk won't forget us!                         
I said I'd cohabit;                                         
He fucked like a rabbit,                                    
And now I want half of his lettuce!"                        
                                                            
17933 CONGRESS - AFTER                                        



A milliner maiden in Sankey,                                
Said, "Let us have not hankey-pankey!"                      
But after a while                                           
She said, with a smile,                                     
"For what you have given, I thank 'ee."                     
                                                            
17934 CONGRESS - AFTER               Harold C Bibby           



A logger they called Forest Gump,                           
Spent nights doing nothing but hump;                        
He'd jump any rump,                                         
Bump, thump, and pump,                                      
Till his limb, once quite plump, was a stump.               
                                                            
17935 CONGRESS - AFTER               Joel D Ash               



There was a young man from Siam,                            
Who said, "I go in with a wham,                             
But I soon lose my starch,                                  
Like the mad month of March,                                
And the lion comes out like a lamb."                        
                                                            
17936 CONGRESS - AFTER                                   L0095



There was a pragmatic young SPAR,                           
Who would not let the boys go too far.                      
An orgasm or two,                                           
She believed, ought to do,                                  
After which she'd say, "Well, there you are."               
                                                            
17937 CONGRESS - AFTER               John Ciardi              



After a wild rolling wrestle,                               
In his strong arms she would nestle,                        
Wrapped with her pharmacist                                 
In the deep morning mist,                                   
As snug as a mortar and pestle.                             
                                                            
17938 CONGRESS - AFTER               Greg Schindler      P9001



Said a sexy young nymph of Newcastle:                       
"A fuck's at least partly a wrassle,                        
From the spread of your thighs,                             
Through the humping and sighs,                              
To the slow easing out his wet tassel."                     
                                                            
17939 CONGRESS - AFTER               Grand Prix Lim  772 G0708



A plumber whose name was Tom Brink,                         
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.                 
Her resistance was stout,                                   
And Tom Brink petered out,                                  
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.                   
                                                            
17940 CONGRESS - AFTER                                   L0104



Man on top of woman, hasn't long to stay,                   
His head is full of nonsense, His ass is full of play.      
He goes in like a lion, he comes out like a lamb,           
And when he buttons up his pants, he isn't worth a damn.    
                                                            
                                                            
17941 CONGRESS - AFTER                                        



I'm tired and worn out and glad,                            
Such a good time I seldom have had!                         
Although only one guy                                       
For me - I thought - oh my!                                 
But till then I did not know 'my' Tad!                      
                                                            
17942 CONGRESS - AFTER                                        



There's a pleasant fog in my brain,                         
As my senses, I try to regain.                              
Then serenity's shook                                       
By your word or your look --                                
And you set me on fire once again.                          
                                                            
17943 CONGRESS - AFTER               Petal                    



There once was this old chaperone                           
Called her charges by microphone;                           
When caught in the act,                                     
They then hid the fact                                      
Yelling "Coming" in bland monotone.                         
                                                            
17944 CONGRESS - AFTER               Marlene                  



A vigorous athlete named Pease                              
Said, "The thought of old age makes me freeze.              
Being no good in bed                                        
Is the thing that I dread.                                  
Middle age is a social disease."                            
                                                            
17945 CONGRESS - AGED                A. N. Wilkins       P8512



A feeble old dotard named Ned                               
Once took a young woman to bed.                             
When she asked, "Is it in?"                                 
He replied with chagrin,                                    
"I've got it all in but the head."                          
                                                            
17946 CONGRESS - AGED                Bob Giandomenico    P9209



An elderly lover named Brown                                
Smiled, "Memories won't let me feel down;                   
I just add to the total                                     
Of everything scrotal,                                      
I ever had going in town."                                  
                                                            
17947 CONGRESS - AGED                Armand E Singer       602



What! Adults don't have any fun?                            
Why, at forty, life's barely begun!                         
You're just starting to know                                
How to squander your dough                                  
On every vice under the sun!                                
                                                            
17948 CONGRESS - AGED                John Miller              



On your sixty-fifth birthday, your balls                    
Shrivel up and your prostate gland falls.                   
But you still get your kicks                                
Feeling stoned hippie's pricks,                             
Phoning strangers, and writing on walls.                    
                                                            
17949 CONGRESS - AGED                                    G2080



Old Bert at 102                                             
Politely asked nurse for a screw.                           
"Not even a hand                                            
Job!" she said, "Understand?"                               
"But my balls have dropped off in the loo..."               
                                                            
17950 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



A man, aged one hundred and one                             
Still thought that sex was great fun;                       
His bones they did clatter                                  
And at times they did shatter,                              
And he'd finish before he'd begun!                          
                                                            
17951 CONGRESS - AGED                Anon                     



A randy old musician named Jake,                            
Aspired to slip the soprano his snake.                      
We don't mean to scorn him,                                 
But feel we should warn him.                                
If she plays with his bone, it will break.                  
                                                            
17952 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



"Old Man," she said rather cheekily,                        
"Your pelvis is grinding quite creakily."                   
With one final shove                                        
In her tunnel of love,                                      
He managed to come, although leakily.                       
                                                            
17953 CONGRESS - AGED                OgniGioia                



That's right gal, they're never too old,                    
One warning, though, that I've been told:                   
Hot sex in big doses,                                       
Might cause 'em thrombosis,                                 
And meat ain't so sweet when it's cold.                     
                                                            
17954 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



When young, I'd fuck ladies en masse,                       
On the bed, on the floor, on the grass.                     
Now with ill fitting denture,                               
To eat cunt I can't venture,                                
And my prick, it collapses, alas!                           
                                                            
17955 CONGRESS - AGED                Albin Chaplin            



A divorcee delivered this view:                             
"The young men I've tried were untrue.                      
The old men I've tried,                                     
Though they tried and they tried,                           
Could never quite tighten the screw."                       
                                                            
17956 CONGRESS - AGED                Lance Payne         P8509



An old man who lived in Seattle                             
Engaged a tired whore in -- well, battle.                   
He shot off three times,                                    
And then shouted, "The crimes                               
Of the fathers are--" (Offstage death rattle.)              
                                                            
17957 CONGRESS - AGED                                    G2500



I much prefer fellows who's years                           
Have taught them the use of their spears.                   
So, out with the new                                        
And in with the few                                         
Who know when to downshift their gears.                     
                                                            
17958 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



Though I may be about to retire,                            
Ladies, come light my Christmas fire.                       
Though I'm well over fifty                                  
Come get this gifty -                                       
Eight inches of throbbing desire!                           
                                                            
17959 CONGRESS - AGED                Ogden Nield              



There once was an elderly spastic                           
Whom ladies thought simply fantastic.                       
He would comfort their itches                               
With spasms and twitches,                                   
And a whang that was highly elastic.                        
                                                            
17960 CONGRESS - AGED                Norm Storer              



A holy old man from Lahore                                  
Had dozens of cousins next door.                            
He was struck by St.Vitus                                   
While performing coitus,                                    
And they echoed his wife's cry: "Encore!"                   
                                                            
17961 CONGRESS - AGED                Carl Ludvig         P0206



My grandaddy said to me: "Bella,                            
There's snow on the roof here, young feller,                
But many a gel                                              
Has learned very well,                                      
There's still quite a fire in the cellar."                  
                                                            
17962 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



There was an old fogey named Rinnish,                       
Whose memory did fade and diminish.                         
For in bed with a date                                      
Though he started first rate,                               
He forgot what to do at the finish.                         
                                                            
17963 CONGRESS - AGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2263



A voluptuous Venus named Vickie                             
Said, "That was okay for a quickie,                         
But when he's past forty,                                   
You must count on a shorty                                  
That's weaving, deceiving, and ICKY."                       
                                                            
17964 CONGRESS - AGED                Grand Prix Lim  247      



"Foreplay, hell," mused an oldster named Metz,              
"Truth to tell you, all's off with the bets;                
When I do feel the yen,                                     
On a scale 1 to 10,                                         
About 4 is as high as it gets."                             
                                                            
17965 CONGRESS - AGED                Armand Singer       P0001



An aged old fellow named Ripley                             
Disabled and known to be cripply,                           
Fucked a girl in his attic                                  
In a manner fanatic,                                        
And, Believe It Or Not, fucked her triply.                  
                                                            
17966 CONGRESS - AGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2264



If a woman waits thirty-six years,                          
No wonder sex stirs her to tears.                           
Full of hope, in her pants,                                 
Sit old gray-headed ants                                    
In cunt juice clear up to their ears!                       
                                                            
17967 CONGRESS - AGED                                    G1631



I know a frenetic young Mexican,                            
Who daily seeks all of the sex he can;                      
After some years                                            
His life will shift gears,                                  
And never be quite so complex again.                        
                                                            
17968 CONGRESS - AGED                Norm Storer         P9710



Old people are baggy and gray                               
And slow, yes, it takes us all day.                         
And sloppy!  You bet.                                       
Just can't be too wet,                                      
And gumming while sucking's 'The Way'.                      
                                                            
17969 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



Old Richbucks, the shame of Biloxi,                         
In matters of sex is quite foxy.                            
His equipment's expired,                                    
But he's got a kid hired                                    
To fuck his old girlfriends by proxy.                       
                                                            
17970 CONGRESS - AGED                Grand Prix Lim  650 G2258



At school, said an eager young lad,                         
When asked by his teacher, Miss Fradd,                      
What'd he do when he grew,                                  
"Why, I though I told you...                                
I'll hunt for hot tail, like my dad!"                       
                                                            
17971 CONGRESS - AGED                Grand Prix Lim  324      



There was an old coot, Ferdie Furson,                       
Booted from the sex shop loudly cursin'.                    
Shouted he in a rage,                                       
"With a man of my age,                                      
The first hour or so is rehearsin'!"                        
                                                            
17972 CONGRESS - AGED                Grand Prix Lim  373      



Why did you all decide                                      
That gone are the days that I ride,                         
That big bucking bronco;                                    
That magnificent wanko.                                     
I've still got it, I say with great pride                   
                                                            
17973 CONGRESS - AGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A couple of codgers who wed                                 
Toddled off to their honeymoon bed.                         
Though they both had the will,                              
They were over the hill,                                    
So they lay there and held hands instead.                   
                                                            
17974 CONGRESS - AGED                Sylvia Honig             



The geriatric couple,                                       
Less lithe and not so supple,                               
Has propensity                                              
For intensity,                                              
Less foreplay and less trouble.                             
                                                            
17975 CONGRESS - AGED                Elois                    



I see that some of you ken                                  
True wise words from old Franklin, Ben.                     
"Old women woo;                                             
She's grateful, too."                                       
Ask not "If", but only "When?"                              
                                                            
17976 CONGRESS - AGED                Elois                    



A chumpy old duffer named Sprague,                          
In his penis had unending ague.                             
With a dirty book he                                        
Got plenty of nookie,                                       
But the juice always ran down his leg.                      
                                                            
17977 CONGRESS - AGED                                    G2208



The old guy is really quite sweet;                          
I will happily jiggle his meat.                             
If he just wants to watch,                                  
I simply won't touch.                                       
If he dies, well the money'd be neat                        
                                                            
17978 CONGRESS - AGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said old Zeus as he sat on Olympus,                         
"Even Gods find that old age will crimp us.                 
So far as sex goes,                                         
What once boldly arose,                                     
Now requires the aid of a wimpus."                          
                                                            
17979 CONGRESS - AGED                Grand Prix Lim  407 G2178



I'm willing to give up my life                              
If Viagra can end all this strife.                          
I'm just an old fart                                        
And have a weak heart,                                      
But place me on top of my wife.                             
                                                            
17980 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



Grandpap in his youth was a lecher                          
And last week he snickered, "I'll betcher                   
I can still go a hop..."                                    
Back from the love shop,                                    
We toted Grandpap on a stretcher.                           
                                                            
17981 CONGRESS - AGED                Grand Prix Lim  585      



The squeak of the bedsprings came through                   
The wall from nine-thirty till two...                       
Now it's dawn...they're asleep,                             
And the thought makes me weep...                            
Long ago, I could do as much, too!                          
                                                            
17982 CONGRESS - AGED                Grand Prix Lim  655      



I have sympathy for your plight,                            
You bluster with all of your might.                         
Though I may be older,                                      
My package is bolder;                                       
I don't need Viagra at night.                               
                                                            
17983 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



There was an old geezer who tried,                          
All night long, as a matter of pride.                       
By dawn's early light,                                      
He whispered, "Goodnight,"                                  
And went into the bathroom and cried.                       
                                                            
17984 CONGRESS - AGED                John Ciardi              



I met an old guy from Algiers                               
Who said, when he'd had a few beers,                        
"Come on; be a pal,                                         
And find me a gal --                                        
I ain't had one for fifty-eight years.                      
                                                            
17985 CONGRESS - AGED                Tiddy Ogg                



By this time, it's all pretty clear,                        
No matter how many a beer                                   
This guy must have downed,                                  
Till the devil had frowned.                                 
What had passed was too many a year.                        
                                                            
17986 CONGRESS - AGED                Nawahl                   



Reports in the papers show you're                           
Quite wrong, for a chap, 84,                                
And a girl, 76,                                             
In a car, got their kicks,                                  
Until they were caught by the law.                          
                                                            
17987 CONGRESS - AGED                Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old man from Brazil                            
Who was thought to be over the hill.                        
But his wife had a shock                                    
When he pulled out his cock,                                
And proceeded to give her a thrill.                         
                                                            
17988 CONGRESS - AGED                Anon                     



The enjoyment of sex (although great,                       
For some years) is said to abate.                           
It may well be so,                                          
But how would I know?                                       
I am only seventy-eight.                                    
                                                            
17989 CONGRESS - AGED                Anon                G0084



In times past, with my true love I'd lie,                   
Have a brandy, then zip up my fly,                          
And go run a few laps;                                      
Now I take long deep naps...                                
How the days of my youth hurry by.                          
                                                            
17990 CONGRESS - AGED                William N. Nesbit   P9607



With these peaks so damn far apart                          
I guess 18-year-olds should start                           
To date older women                                         
And fill their quim in,                                     
While both want it often at heart,                          
                                                            
17991 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



A Professor of English named Baumer,                        
Unable to sex as performer,                                 
"What good is my life when                                  
What once was a hyphen --                                   
Or dash is now only a comma.                                
                                                            
17992 CONGRESS - AGED                Irving Superior     P8311



The doctor was told by old Patrick:                         
"I demand a good cure, geriatric.                           
I want to be spruced,                                       
As by now I'm reduced --                                    
I manage just one single hat-trick."                        
(hat-trick - three goals in one hockey game)                
17993 CONGRESS - AGED                Bill Backe-Hansen   P8509



Groused elderly loverboy Lunn,                              
"To get it is no longer fun;                                
To my consternation,                                        
The fleeting sensation                                      
Is over before I've begun."                                 
                                                            
17994 CONGRESS - AGED                Armand E Singer       594



There was a young fellow named Fletcher,                    
A widely reputed old lecher.                                
When he'd take on a whore,                                  
She'd need a a rebore,                                      
And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.                    
                                                            
17995 CONGRESS - AGED                                    L0295



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw                             
Had a prayer meet one eve with my Pa;                       
Monosyllabic grunts                                         
About sweet college cunts!                                  
They drooled and bellowed "Hee-haw!"                        
                                                            
17996 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



When Joe came to visit young Nell                           
She convulsed in a bad, sickly spell.                       
But she said to him, "Dear,                                 
There is nothing to fear,                                   
For my grandmother fucks very well."                        
                                                            
17997 CONGRESS - AGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-0276



My boy, if you like to have fun,                            
If you take all the girls one by one,                       
And when reaching four score,                               
Still don't find it a bore,                                 
Why then, you're a hero, my son.                            
                                                            
17998 CONGRESS - AGED                Isaac Asimov             



See, as we do age, we do find,                              
No matter our speed, we're behind.                          
But this is no race,                                        
So set a slow pace.                                         
And tell your friend's friend to unwind.                    
                                                            
17999 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



There was a young wench in Del Norte,                       
Who liked to screw men over forty.                          
She said, "It's too quick,                                  
With a young fellow's prick;                                
I like it to last and be warty.                             
                                                            
18000 CONGRESS - AGED                                    G2314



Said a wife, as they drove out of Boulder,                  
"Now, before you become any older,                          
I believe you should know                                   
You're becoming quite slow."                                
So he stopped on the shoulder and rolled her.               
                                                            
18001 CONGRESS - AGED                Keith MacMillan     A025B



There's winter in the hair of my ass.                       
There's summer in his heart; he has class.                  
He never misreads                                           
Every one of my needs.                                      
"That's nice; is there spring in his ass?"                  
                                                            
18002 CONGRESS - AGED                                         



A railwayman, running from Crewe,                           
Said, "How I regret that so few                             
Lady passengers dream                                       
That I'm still full of steam,                               
Or else they'd be forming a queue."                         
                                                            
18003 CONGRESS - AGED                Harold C Bibby           



A lovely young thing named Lee Ann,                         
Attacted an elderly man.                                    
She started to weep as she said with a pout,                
His lack of inventiveness puts me to rout.                  
It's the same old damn thing, weak in and weak out,         
And I'm doing the best that I can.                          
18004 CONGRESS - AGED                J. Robert Greene         



At last in his sixties he came                              
And was asked if he still liked the game.                   
"Well, I'm losing my zest                                   
To compete with the best,                                   
But I'm rough on the halt and the lame.                     
                                                            
18005 CONGRESS - AGED                Laurence Perrine    P8509



There was a young girl of Berlin,                           
Who was raped by an elderly Finn.                           
Though he diddled his best,                                 
And screwed her with zest,                                  
She kept asking, "Hey Pop! Is it in?"                       
                                                            
18006 CONGRESS - AGED                                    L0005



At ninety a codger named Fred                               
Claimed to have little trouble in bed                       
With a pretty young chick.                                  
He managed the trick                                        
With a capsule called "Upjohn", he said.                    
                                                            
18007 CONGRESS - AGED                A N Wilkins         P8509



There was an old codger named Ben                           
Who had a most terrible yen.                                
The problem was not                                         
The how, why, or what,                                      
But the who and the where and the when.                     
                                                            
18008 CONGRESS - AGED                                    G0014



There was a young man who gave chase,                       
To loose women. A pitiful case,                             
Made more sordid by wine,                                   
Till at seventy-nine,                                       
He died with an evil grimace.                               
                                                            
18009 CONGRESS - AGED                John Ciardi              



Geriatric sex coupling is fine;                             
There's no need to wilt on the vine.                        
So if you're mature,                                        
Let's let love endure.                                      
Will it be at your place or mine.                           
                                                            
18010 CONGRESS - AGED                Chris Papa               



An eighty year old was Sir John,                            
When he wed twenty year old Yvonne.                         
His friends told him, "Jack,                                
She's a sex maniac."                                        
Sir John said, "You're putting me one."                     
                                                            
18011 CONGRESS - AGED                Bob Giandomenico    P9209



Though Grandpa had reached eighty-four,                     
He loved to have sex more and more;                         
To Grandma's delight,                                       
He would screw her each night,                              
Till he came with a thunderous roar.                        
                                                            
18012 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         Cap'n Bean          P0107



"It's a young wife I need," said the sage,                  
"Who'll react to my sexual rage.                            
My old girl's got no spring,                                
And I do the whole thing--                                  
Damn hard work for a man of my age!"                        
                                                            
18013 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH                             G0174



To Grandpa sex is quite a must.                             
The old lady is still blest with lust.                      
So life's not too bad,                                      
But it remains sad.                                         
When he's come, she's showered with dust.                   
                                                            
18014 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         Dirruk                   



Old age to this couple is kind,                             
Their marriage the best one can find.                       
For he to her chaff                                         
Has grown totally deaf,                                     
And she to his failings is blind.                           
                                                            
18015 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         Laurence Perrine    P8509



A maestro by name of Calhoun                                
Was wed to a withered old prune.                            
When his friends did deride,                                
With a smile he replied,                                    
"On old fiddles, I play a fine tune."                       
                                                            
18016 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         Albin Chaplin   3024-2488



I know an old codger named Lee,                             
Whose age is one hundred and three;                         
He has sex with Miss Wren,                                  
Who's one hundred and ten.                                  
This is something I'd rather not see.                       
                                                            
18017 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         Cap'n Bean               



When a perky old Blue met a Grey,                           
She said, "Sir, would you like to go play?"                 
After dinner and wine,                                      
He said, "Your place or mine?"                              
And they played Civil War in the hay.                       
                                                            
18018 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         William N. Nesbit   P9605



There was an old lady aloof,                                
Who thought that old Rufe was a spoof.                      
To his penthouse she went                                   
With this harmless old gent,                                
But old Rufe on the roof gave her proof.                    
                                                            
18019 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         Albin Chaplin   3024-1305



Engrossed, he sure ain't Alley Oop;                         
While she over and over does whoop:                         
"Super sex"! she does offer,                                
To get him to boff her;                                     
At last, he says: "Yeah, gimme soup!"                       
                                                            
18020 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH                                  



He said: "Now dear, over you bend-o,                        
And soon we will reach a crescendo."                        
She said: "Don't be coy."                                   
Replied the old boy:                                        
"OK, straight, and not innuendo."                           
                                                            
18021 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH                                  



In Summer he said she was fair,                             
In Autumn her charms were still there;                      
But he said to his wife                                     
In the Winter of life,                                      
"There's no Spring in your old derriere."                   
                                                            
18022 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH                                  



A one-woman fellow named Thorn                              
Once wept he had ever been born.                            
By the time he persuaded                                    
His girl, she was faded,                                    
And he was too aged and worn.                               
                                                            
18023 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         Isaac Asimov             



Although Sally and I have grown old,                        
We still treasure our games more than gold.                 
We still play hide 'n seek                                  
Once or twice every week,                                   
And so do our grand-kids, I'm told.                         
                                                            
18024 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         John Miller 0041         



And the one's our own age who do                            
Give in to our wishes and screw,                            
Don't want it often                                         
Enough, for us boffin'                                      
Machines full of gallons of spew.                           
                                                            
18025 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH                                  



In the Home, an old Grey met a Blue,                        
And said, "I can still function. Can you?                   
She said, "Sure, if we're done                              
Before fifty past one,                                      
Because bingo starts promptly at two."                      
                                                            
18026 CONGRESS - AGED - BOTH         William N. Nesbit   P9605



A young corporate banker named Beatty                       
Once had an affair with a lady.                             
It wouldn't have been                                       
Such a sin, had she been                                    
A couple of years under eighty.                             
                                                            
18027 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



In the quaint little village, St. Claude,                   
Lived a 90 year old virgin named Maude.                     
One day she moaned,                                         
"I'll never get boned,                                      
Till I firm up this wrinkled old bod".                      
                                                            
18028 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



At "Heaven's Awaiting You" care,                            
Old Bert is in deepest despair;                             
For his lady friend, Kate,                                  
At one hundred and eight,                                   
Has embarked on another affair.                             
                                                            
18029 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Peter Wilkins            



"But Katie, I love you sincerely."                          
"I know, my dear Bert, but your nearly                      
One hundred and three                                       
And you can't even pee,                                     
Whereas Tom can still manage it yearly."                    
                                                            
18030 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Peter Wilkins            



Said an old maid one fondly remembers,                      
"Now my days are quite clearly Septembers.                  
All my fires have burned low,                               
I'll admit that it's so,                                    
But you still might have fun in the embers."                
(But your poker feels great in my embers!")                 
18031 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                           G0170



Rapid aging leaves me in a stupor;                          
She was hot in the flick "Starship Troopers,"               
In a very short time                                        
She's 'way past her prime,                                  
And her boobs have become C-cup droopers.                   
                                                            
18032 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



So slow was the horny old duchess,                          
She could never keep out of men's clutches.                 
She was fucked as she ran,                                  
By a one-legged man,                                        
Who managed to crotch her on crutches.                      
                                                            
18033 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0119



"At 20, said Joe, "I'd have drilled you.                    
At 50, I guess I'd have thrilled you;                       
But not now, when you're weighty,                           
And 80, dear Katie,                                         
With cunt infestations of mildew."                          
                                                            
18034 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Peter Wilkins            



An elderly matron named Jude                                
Was screwed by a man who was stewed.                        
She exclaimed in disgust,                                   
"My old man, he's a bust;                                   
Now I know what it's like to be screwed."                   
                                                            
18035 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0224



She was old but she still liked to do it.                   
She'd lost all her teeth and we knew it.                    
I took her to bed;                                          
She grinned and she said,                                   
"I gum, I don't fuck, I eschew it."                         
                                                            
18036 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



All the dames at the Home for the Aged                      
Lay in wait for the chance thay might lay Jed,              
Who though octogenarian,                                    
Was a horny and hairy 'un;                                  
They'd cry, "How 'bout a romp in the hay, Jed?"             
                                                            
18037 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Robin K. Willoughby P8509



You know how it is with old folk.                           
We'll do anything to get a good poke.                       
Whether old or young,                                       
Hard dick or tongue,                                        
We can still give you a good soak.                          
                                                            
18038 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



There was a young lady who wouldn't.                        
Her mother had told her she shouldn't.                      
When dear mama died,                                        
She felt free.  So she tried,                               
But by then she's so old that she couldn't.                 
                                                            
18039 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Isaac Asimov             



You may not believe me, and yet,                            
Old gals are the very best bet.                             
They don't yell, tell, or swell,                            
And they fuck hard as hell,                                 
For it may be the last one they'll get!                     
                                                            
18040 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Albin Chaplin 3024  G0234



Oh yes, I remember ol' Cookie,                              
And that all-nighter cowboy nookie.                         
Though older than dirt,                                     
I did make him hurt;                                        
At love making I am no rookie.                              
                                                            
18041 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



A pious old lady of Brewster,                               
Forgave all who'd ever abused her,                          
But flew into a rage,                                       
Time could not assuage,                                     
When she thought of one cad who'd refused her.              
                                                            
18042 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       John Ciardi              



At 90, when boffing, May's thrust lags,                     
And when on her knees ol' May's bust drags;                 
But for her dry twat                                        
Just look what May's got;                                   
She wipes that thing clean with new dust rags.              
                                                            
18043 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



A middle-aged lady once reckoned,                           
The passage of time to a second,                            
Then rounded it out                                         
To ten years, just about,                                   
Since the last man had come when she beckoned.              
                                                            
18044 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       John Ciardi              



As the years go by and the pleasure                         
Has been had many times beyond measure,                     
We don't need so much                                       
And the timing is such,                                     
That ladies our age start to treasure.                      
                                                            
18045 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



There was an old maid of Duluth,                            
Who wept when she thought of her youth,                     
Remembering chances                                         
She missed at school dances,                                
And once in a telephone booth.                              
                                                            
18046 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Anon                     



There once was a lady who thought                           
Only one thing, but thought it a lot.                       
She thought yes and no,                                     
Till at eighty or so,                                       
She decided she rather thought not.                         
                                                            
18047 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       John Ciardi              



No matter how hard I tried                                  
I couldn't get my pecker inside.                            
That neglected old cherry                                   
Was as dry as a prairie                                     
And her hymen as tough as raw hide.                         
                                                            
18048 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



Big Wood and the hag were dismayed;                         
'Twas no longer fun getting laid.                           
But instead of divorce,                                     
He swapped her for a horse,                                 
And got the best of that trade.                             
                                                            
18049 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                                



Quite sordid and most maladroit                             
Was the neighborhood studsman's exploit:                    
He fucked like Old Scratch                                  
At the cinched-up old snatch                                
Of my ugliest aunt from Detroit.                            
                                                            
18050 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE                           G0656



A lad with a fine virtuosity                                
Debauched an old maid with ferocity.                        
When the maid did recover                                   
She said, "Where's my lover,                                
For the law does permit reciprocity."                       
                                                            
18051 CONGRESS - AGED - FEMALE       Albin Chaplin 3024  P8112



Between one's frustration and panic,                        
The difference is really titanic --                         
The first time, it's not nice                               
When you can't do it twice --                               
The reverse, oh dear Lord, drives you manic.                
                                                            
18052 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Martin Wellborn     P8509



This old retired sailor name Crouse,                        
Spent many nights in a whorehouse.                          
But when he turned eighty,                                  
He said to a matey,                                         
"I go there now only to browse!"                            
                                                            
18053 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Laurence Craft           



An 80 year old man named Ed                                 
Would take a young girl to his bed,                         
But when he got there                                       
He had nothing to share--                                   
His desire was all in his head.                             
                                                            
18054 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Tom Patton          P9709



How ironic that as one gets bald,                           
One is less and less frequently balled,                     
Till at last, guess what,                                   
Time comes--one does not,                                   
And even the best have bawled.                              
                                                            
18055 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Ann Gasser          P9112



The young lover always wants more,                          
Till the tip of his penis is sore.                          
Then most men like a go                                     
Twice a week, or so;                                        
But at ninety the whole thing's a bore.                     
                                                            
18056 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT                       G0136



When you're old, it gets cold in December,                  
So you sleep with the opposite gender.                      
If you do something right                                   
And get lucky one night,                                    
Did you like it? You can't quite remember.                  
                                                            
18057 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   William N. Nesbit   P9605



A senile old fellow of Lowing,                              
Said: "The signs of my aging are showing.                   
Though not yet impotent,                                    
I'm incontinent;                                            
I don't know if I'm coming or going."                       
                                                            
18058 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Phil T                   



For a pharoah who ruled on the Nile,                        
The result of old age proved most vile.                     
Increasing senescence,                                      
Infrequent tumenscence,                                     
And a weakness that quite cramped his style.                
                                                            
18059 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Armand E Singer        54



He'd oft shoot his load over Dot,                           
And from yards, hit the revalent spot.                      
But at eighty, instead                                      
Of a geyser, old Ted                                        
Merely dribbles it into her twat.                           
                                                            
18060 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Peter Wilkins            



A horny young lady was Lynn;                                
For money she married old Flynn,                            
But his pecker was dead                                     
So the young lady said,                                     
"When I stand on my head, drop it in."                      
                                                            
18061 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Albin Chaplin   3024-0725



There was an old fellow from Anchorage,                     
Who was riddled with fury and rancorage.                    
When he offered abusement,                                  
The girls gave refusement,                                  
And all he had left was the hankerage.                      
                                                            
18062 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Isaac Asimov             



This aged man of whom we speak,                             
Likes to try a new whore every week,                        
Because he can't remember                                   
Where he dipped his member.                                 
Flesh is willing but the mind is weak.                      
                                                            
18063 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Jim Weaver Collection    



It was just like old Lester one day,                        
When he joined a young woman in play,                       
To fail in recalling,                                       
How to go about balling,                                    
So he did the whole thing the wrong way.                    
                                                            
18064 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Isaac Asimov             



As he fitfully fumbled a whore,                             
This senile old man, Willie Blore,                          
With a toothless grin said,                                 
"Though my sexer is dead,                                   
I find it still fun to explore."                            
                                                            
18065 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Grand Prix Lim  206      



"I wish I could climax," said Max,                          
As moaning he put on his slacks.                            
"The trouble with age,                                      
Is how to engage...                                         
One has to get stiff to relax."                             
                                                            
18066 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Freude N. Slipp     P8111



When a nonagenarian Ben                                     
Saw a pretty young girl with some men                       
At the seaside one day,                                     
A friend heard him say,                                     
"What I'd give to be 80 again!"                             
                                                            
18067 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   A. N. Wilkins       P8509



And old couple dated for years,                             
Then one night when they'd had a few beers,                 
They thought they would wed,                                
For it's cheaper, one bed,                                  
And to part every night just brings tears.                  
                                                            
18068 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Richard                  



So they wed and the deed it was done,                       
And the rest of the guests they had gone,                   
He said "Sex?" hopefully;                                   
She said "In-frequently."                                   
"Is infrequently two words or one."                         
                                                            
18069 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Richard                  



He said: "Now dear, over you bendo,                         
And soon we will reach a crescendo."                        
She said, "Don't be coy."                                   
Replied the old boy,                                        
"Okay, straight, and not innuendo."                         
                                                            
18070 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Tiddy Ogg                



Said old Father William, "I'm humble                        
And getting too old for a tumble,                           
But produce me a blonde                                     
And I'm still not beyond                                    
An attempt at an interesting fumble."                       
                                                            
18071 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Conrad Aiken             



By sex we were oft times inspired;                          
And our loins were frequently fired.                        
But now I must say                                          
As years pass away,                                         
It usually just leaves me tired.                            
                                                            
18072 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT                            



Said an impotent, mellow old fellow,                        
As he mooched into Mamie's bordello:                        
"I'd sure love to do it,                                    
But I'm just not up to it,                                  
So I'll just have a smell, and say Hell-lo!"                
                                                            
18073 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Grand Prix Lim  978 G1784



One good romp, and then they just smolder,                  
The flames of passion just grow colder --                   
Takes weeks to rekindle                                     
The fire in their spindle,                                  
That happens as men become older!                           
                                                            
18074 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT                            



A sad-eyed old timer named Page                             
Cried out, in his impotent rage,                            
"It's mighty damn vexing                                    
To hanker for sexing,                                       
After you've been done in by old age!"                      
                                                            
18075 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Grand Prix Lim  257      



There was an old man from Brazil                            
Who was thought to be over the hill.                        
But his wife had a shock                                    
As he pulled out his cock,                                  
And proceeded to give her a thrill.                         
                                                            
18076 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Anon                     



At times I have urges erotic                                
But recognize them as quixotic.                             
I swear someday that I                                      
Will give it one more try                                   
Though some of my parts are necrotic.                       
                                                            
18077 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



An old codger proposed to Sue,                              
Though when asked about sex, he was blue.                   
"Infrequently," Ed                                          
Reluctantly said.                                           
But she asked, "Is that one word or two?"                   
                                                            
18078 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   A N Wilkins   P0211 P8405



There's a certain young woman named Sharon,                 
Who's decided to marry a baron.                             
At age eighty-four                                          
He can do it no more.                                       
But he's rich, so she isn't despairin'.                     
                                                            
18079 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Isaac Asimov             



"Seventy times in one night is the score,"                  
Said the proud bridegroom, aged ninety four.                
"On the day were were wed,                                  
Sixty nine on the bed,                                      
And one on the way to the floor."                           
                                                            
18080 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Bob Giandomenico    P9209



Full ninety years old was friend Wynn,                      
When he went to a hookshop to sin.                          
But, try as he would,                                       
It did him no good,                                         
For all he had left was the skin.                           
                                                            
18081 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT                       L1127



There was a young fellow named Beakley,                     
Who managed at first a tri-weekly.                          
Then he tried with some care                                
A try-weekly affair;                                        
Before long he was doomed to try weakly.                    
                                                            
18082 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT   Albin Chaplin   3024-2438



An old fornicator of Friant,                                
Whose cock, year by year, became pliant,                    
Remarked, "As to screwing,                                  
It's been my undoing,                                       
And the whores now have lost a good client."                
                                                            
18083 CONGRESS - AGED - INFREQUENT                       G0338



Now the golden years come and they go,                      
Leaving brown streaks, by now you must know;                
You will soon feel the prod                                 
Of Reality's Rod;                                           
When you reach the big six oh, soon you'll go!              
                                                            
18084 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Sixty one!  No more fun pitching woo;                       
No more wet dreams about ring-dang-doo;                     
Chasing babes as of yore,                                   
Makes the prostate quite sore;                              
Sixty two's when it gets tough to screw.                    
                                                            
18085 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Things get worse when you reach sixty three;                
Because then, it will hurt when you pee.                    
Then at age sixty four,                                     
You will poop on the floor;                                 
Just as well now; it's harder to see!                       
                                                            
18086 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



About then, you're much less debonair;                      
You'll be wearing a bib, placed with care,                  
'Cause at age sixty five,                                   
You be drooling saliv-                                      
Ah, with food lumps all stuck in your hair!                 
                                                            
18087 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Things get worse, at age sixty six;                         
To your bod, every underthing sticks;                       
Then at age sixty seven,                                    
You'll sneak into heaven;                                   
But your fragrance will foil all such tricks.               
                                                            
18088 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



A long pow-wow will settle your fate;                       
Sixty eight's when you're shipped down to Sat-              
An!  Where time marches on,                                 
Till your memory's gone!                                    
Sixty nine, pal?  Forgot?  It's too late!                   
                                                            
18089 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Forget sixty nine?  Are you mad?                            
No reason, old chum, to be sad.                             
At 80 years young                                           
With a flexible tongue,                                     
One still can get pussy, m'lad.                             
                                                            
18090 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Peter Wilkins            



And even at ninety or so,                                   
It's never too late for a go;                               
An implant or three                                         
Or Viagra for tea,                                          
And the biddies will big for a hoe.                         
                                                            
18091 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Well, your octogenarian pet,                                
Has a tasty surprise, I'll just bet;                        
Yessir, fumble for fun;                                     
Get her pampers undone;                                     
What you see, pal is what you will get!                     
                                                            
18092 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



You can throw the Viagra aside,                             
When formaldehyde stiffens your pride;                      
You can last 'til she craps,                                
As you fondle her flaps,                                    
Like a couple of eggs, kind of fried.                       
                                                            
18093 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



My feelings are hurt and I'm sad;                           
Young mistress of mine treats me bad.                       
Whenever we greet                                           
Her friends on the street,                                  
She always says, "Meet my old dad."                         
                                                            
18094 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Travis Brasell           



Oh now, you must not feel blue!                             
She just does not want to share you.                        
She claims that you're old                                  
So they won't be bold                                       
Enough to say, "Daddy, lets screw!"                         
                                                            
18095 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Marlene Lewis            



Well now, you're ever so sweet,                             
But what hurts me most when we greet                        
My mistress's friends                                       
Is that she extends                                         
Her intro with 'meet' and not 'meat'!                       
                                                            
18096 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Travis Brasell           



As someone once said: You should tell her                   
This dictum below, my good feller.                          
"Don't be so uncouth,                                       
There's snow on the roof,                                   
But a fire still burns in the cellar."                      
                                                            
18097 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh Ethel?"  "Yes dearest?"  "My part                       
Has arisen; pretend you're a tart?"                         
"But of course, Ron, I'll wank you                          
And spank you and crank you."                               
"Oh thank you, dear Eth; can we start?"                     
                                                            
18098 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



"Like this, yes?"  "Oh Eth!"  "Is it good                   
For you Ron?"  "Oh that's lovely. Now could                 
You just rub a bit faster?"                                 
"Oh Ron, you're the master."                                
"Oh Eth?"  "Yes?"  "I'm getting a wood."                    
                                                            
18099 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



"Whew! Ethel?"  "Yes Ron?"  "Be a dear,                     
Stop your wanking; I've come over queer."                   
"Does my squeeze make you wheeze?"                          
"Yes. I'm sorry, Eth. Please                                
Turn that knob on my pacemaker here."                       
                                                            
18100 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



I guess I will tell you the truth;                          
I'm sitting here, fondling young Ruth,                      
Who has pointy nipples,                                     
After only two tipples                                      
And soon we will do thing uncouth!                          
                                                            
18101 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Archie                   



I once made me movies of porn,                              
With Ruth 'midst the alien corn.                            
But now I am toothless                                      
And truthless and Ruthless                                  
And all my libido has gorn                                  
                                                            
18102 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



You're hair will soon be turning grey,                      
(If you have any left, I should say.)                       
But don't count the cost,                                   
Not everything's lost,                                      
There's plenty of time left to play.                        
                                                            
18103 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



So you can't keep it up now all night,                      
But experience tells you what's right.                      
Your partner to please,                                     
You know all the keys,                                      
To give pleasure to a great height.                         
                                                            
18104 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Look forward to what lies ahead;                            
Your prostate means wetting the bed.                        
Then there's gout and arthritis,                            
And the pain of colitis,                                    
You'll be wishing quite soon you were dead.                 
                                                            
18105 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



That last verse, pretend it's not there.                    
It just floated up out of the air.                          
But as I'm getting old                                      
And my brain's growing cold,                                
I've lost the delete key, I fear.                           
                                                            
18106 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



And now I must stop for a pee;                              
Very soon, lad, you'll be just like me.                     
Just a half-witted fool,                                    
Who will dribble and drool,                                 
'Til somebody calls you for tea.                            
                                                            
18107 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Okay now, I've been to the loo.                             
What is it I'm trying to do?                                
Write a big birthday verse?                                 
I don't know; tell me nurse,                                
I'm writing this message to who?                            
                                                            
18108 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Hello, this is nurse Emma Croft.                            
That silly old fool's nodded off.                           
But I'll send this to you,                                  
As I'm sure he meant to...                                  
God knows but his brain has gone soft.                      
                                                            
18109 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Said an eightyish woman named June                          
When her ninetyish man came too soon,                       
"You're a stick in the mud                                  
And a useless old dud.                                      
That's twice that you've failed me since noon."             
                                                            
18110 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Isaac Asimov             



Said John, "This elaborate position                         
Should result in delightful coition;                        
But with all the exertion                                   
Required for insertion,                                     
I'm too breathless to pump, in addition."                   
                                                            
18111 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Isaac Asimov             



I once knew a gal from Algiers,                             
A virgin for fifty-two years.                               
She finally broke down                                      
With a night on the town,                                   
And three hours with her thighs on my ears.                 
                                                            
18112 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



No matter how hard I tried,                                 
I couldn't get my pecker inside.                            
That neglected old cherry                                   
Was as dry as a prairie,                                    
And her hymen as tough as raw hide.                         
                                                            
18113 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



So I laid that old maid on her belly                        
And broke out the old k-y jelly.                            
Her 'roids I greased,                                       
And I was real pleased                                      
When my dick didn't wind up too smelly.                     
                                                            
18114 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



This may be a joke to you,                                  
But she don't have to be fifty-two.                         
I had one twenty-three                                      
And as tight as can be.                                     
She turned my once happy balls blue!                        
                                                            
18115 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



I used Crisco, I used K-Y, I used oil;                      
Still nothing could lighten my toil.                        
Mr. Happy went limp                                         
Like a tranquilized chimp.                                  
So never did I fertilize the soil.                          
                                                            
18116 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



It was my most frustrating screw;                           
My worst freakin' nightmare come true.                      
Now me thinks "tight's" overrated                           
If can't be integrated.                                     
Now I only screw one's marked 'drive thru'!                 
                                                            
18117 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



Emily Dickinson wrote of great passion,                     
Wild nights; Wild nights are they rationed?                 
When we were young,                                         
It was so much fun.                                         
Now the young look on us with compassion.                   
                                                            
18118 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Azul                     



Little do they know that even now,                          
Making love is better somehow.                              
We still get the rush                                       
When our eyes touch,                                        
But we take our time and it's WOW!                          
                                                            
18119 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Azul                     



That past thousand years has gone quick!                    
But I fear that it's nature's cruel trick                   
That the older one is,                                      
Tempus fugit ... like whizzzz!                              
And reduces the power of one's dick.                        
                                                            
18120 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



But that has advantages too;                                
No more premature fizzing of goo;                           
No more single orgasms,                                     
But multiple spasms,                                        
For all of you ladies I woo.                                
                                                            
18121 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



At the end of a life spent in sin,                          
I look in my mirror and grin:                               
If I'd thought to ration                                    
My sexual passion,                                          
Perhaps I could still get it in!                            
                                                            
18122 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Norm Storer         P0108



With maidens both buxom and thin,                           
I have sampled all classes of sin.                          
But of late I have learned                                  
That although fire still burned,                            
I was just not the man I had been.                          
                                                            
18123 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES      Norm Storer         P0108



While clearing my attic last night,                         
An old diary of mine came to light.                         
'69 it was dated,                                           
But was it X-rated?                                         
Dunno; but I'll read it tonight.                            
                                                            
18124 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



It seems that I "Did it with V"                             
Many times until March 23;                                  
Then from March 24                                          
Seems I did it no more                                      
For in red I wrote "Did it with P".                         
                                                            
18125 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



I "Did it with P" every day                                 
Throughout April and well into May;                         
Then no entries at all                                      
In my diary 'til fall                                       
When I "Did it with A, J and K".                            
                                                            
18126 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



The entry for January 4                                     
Just reads "Did it with V" nothing more.                    
Now that "V" could be vigour                                
Or Vicky I figure;                                          
Or five?  Most unlikely I'm sure.                           
                                                            
18127 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



In my calendar for '84,                                     
I noted I managed to score;                                 
She was really gorgeous;                                    
P'raps this girl of George's                                
Is mine... I'll be his dad-in-law!                          
                                                            
18128 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



And yes George, I did come again,                           
Three times, though it poured down with rain.               
But during that shower                                      
I plucked her sweet flower,...                              
But was her name Sylvie or Jane?                            
                                                            
18129 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



Another year older; I find                                  
My libido has somewhat declined,                            
And instead of each day                                     
Somewhat less is OK;                                        
But the thoughts are still there in my mind.                
                                                            
18130 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



The sequence, as you know, is put neatly:                   
Tri-nightly, try nightly, tri-weekly.                       
Then weekly you try,                                        
Now bleakly you sigh,                                       
And now and then you just try weakly.                       
                                                            
18131 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



At night as I lay on my back,                               
My man explored twin peaks and crack....                    
The cartography's changed:                                  
The old mountain range                                      
Is now just a hill and train-track!                         
                                                            
18132 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



No matter if only one hill;                                 
It's a brand new explorative thrill.                        
And as long as the actions                                  
Provoke satisfactions,                                      
There's bundles of fun in it still.                         
                                                            
18133 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



Now older I look at life bleakly;                           
Good grief, was it really tri-weekly                        
For many long hours?                                        
So just where have my powers                                
Gone, reduced as I am to try weakly?                        
                                                            
18134 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



I guess it's a natural trend. Oh,                           
When young I could reach a crescendo                        
Most every day,                                             
But it's slipping away,                                     
Now and often a dim innuendo.                               
                                                            
18135 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



If your age is causing distress,                            
And your power's are less, I suggest,                       
That you work out a bit,                                    
And soon you'll be fit.                                     
Then, come here and take off my dress.                      
                                                            
18136 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



Now you know you are not being fair;                        
That night with pencil in the air,                          
You took me to heaven,                                      
And made love times seven.                                  
As a lover you CANNOT compare.                              
                                                            
18137 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



So quit all this stuff about weakness                       
And degenerating into antiqueness;                          
I've had quite enough                                       
And I call your bluff;                                      
The seven?  Can you repeat this?                            
                                                            
18138 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



So sorry you no longer wobble;                              
I loved it, but still I could knobble                       
You. Now that you're Tigger,                                
Just bounce on my trigger;                                  
But seven? No wonder I hobble.                              
                                                            
18139 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



Not really distressed 'bout my age;                         
And my fitness, you'll just have to gauge.                  
When I start to caress                                      
You and take off your dress;                                
For your lust I can surely assuage.                         
                                                            
18140 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



Several people expressed regret                             
Saying wobbly was the best name yet;                        
If you can hobble,                                          
I suppose I could wobble;                                   
Let's hope I don't live to regret!                          
                                                            
18141 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



Still round here a wobble I'll be;                          
I prefer to wobble you see.                                 
Had to change a letter,                                     
Do you think this is better?                                
I am Wobblie no longer Wobbly                               
                                                            
18142 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



As long as you wobble that's fine,                          
'Cause we all think it's rather divine.                     
Whether y or i e,                                           
Would you wobble for me                                     
Between tea-time and quarter-past-nine?                     
                                                            
18143 CONGRESS - AGED - ZSERIES                               



A woman once went to great pains                            
To fit my wee horsey with reins.                            
She feared that my colt                                     
Would soon shoot-his-bolt,                                  
And cover her undies with stains.                           
                                                            
18144 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Anon                     



The women you know sound so sneaky,                         
(And reins on your horsey's just freaky.)                   
But on second thought,                                      
Doing laundry ain't hot.                                    
Can't blame her if you're cockaleekie.                      
                                                            
18145 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Anon                     



Affairs with sweet Roo's?  Never knock it!                  
But take care when inserting your rocket,                   
If you choose the wrong place,                              
They'll spray you with mace,                                
So always we use the right socket!                          
                                                            
18146 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Archie                   



A young girl of exquisite form                              
Was quite choosy with whom she'd perform.                   
But when out in a gale                                      
She'd fuck every male,                                      
Saying, "Any old pork in a storm."                          
                                                            
18147 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                 G0072



Epileptic cornhusker, young Fritz                           
Shucked corn and he shucked between fits.                   
He dated Miss Bruce                                         
Whose bowels were loose,                                    
So he fucked in between fits and shits.                     
                                                            
18148 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0161



A fellow from Rio del Mar                                   
Had ways that were slightly bizarre.                        
He said, "It's a lark                                       
To grope in the dark,                                       
But blindfolded is better by far."                          
                                                            
18149 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young lass of New York,                         
Who loved fondling her boyfriend's big dork.                
She would stroke and embrace it,                            
Then carefully place it                                     
At the spot where her two legs did fork.                    
                                                            
18150 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Isaac Asimov             



"How do I love thee?" he would say                          
To me each and every damn day;                              
And then he would count                                     
Just after he'd mount;                                      
It sure did take MY breath away!                            
                                                            
18151 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



Now Sam was the pink of deportment;                         
Of manners he had an assortment.                            
In his impeccable way                                       
He would courteously lay                                    
And would come with the proper exhortment.                  
                                                            
18152 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



When the daughter went out with Carruther,                  
His entreaties to fuck she did smother.                     
But she said, "Please lay down,                             
I'll get on with no gown."                                  
And she thus did disgrace the boy's mother.                 
                                                            
18153 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-2037



At night after sinking a flagon,                            
My tail really got quite a wag on.                          
Then free of all cares                                      
I'd  stagger  upstairs,                                     
Determined to 'enter the dragon.'                           
                                                            
18154 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



Sally's sex-life was carefully planned.                     
Said she, "I prefer to be manned.                           
Things that are anal                                        
Are always so banal,                                        
But things that expand are just grand."                     
                                                            
18155 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a Young Lady of Turkey,                           
Who wept when the weather was murky;                        
When the day turned out fine,                               
She spread out supine --                                    
A good lay, though a little bit quirky.                     
                                                            
18156 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Edwardian Leer 090       



My brother's a boy scout, you know,                         
But he never has badges to show.                            
He says he earns merit                                      
For taking it where it                                      
Won't hurt if it's greased-up and slow.                     
                                                            
18157 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Jim Weaver Collection    



"Far dearer to me than my treasure,"                        
The heiress declared, "Is my leisure.                       
For then I can screw                                        
The whole Harvard crew.                                     
They're slow by that lengthens the pleasure."               
(With a cockswain or two, for good measure.")               
18158 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                 L0355



With her big lusty bust, Bonnie Boggs                       
Lures her men as she casually jogs...                       
She goes for coition                                        
In any position,                                            
But prefers the one used by hedge hogs.                     
                                                            
18159 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Grand Prix Lim  385      



A girl who appeared in 'La Ronde'                           
Once confessed, as she drank a 'biere blonde':              
My life's quiet," she wept,                                 
"I do nothing. Except--                                     
Well, I fuck a group called 'tout le monde'."               
                                                            
18160 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                 G2477



For me, sex is like two dogs humping,                       
Or fire truck hoses a-pumping.                              
My Marilyns strap-on                                        
Is perfect to crap on,                                      
Like a pole vault without all the jumping.                  
                                                            
18161 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



A meticulous fellow named Kirk,                             
Had a truly unusual quirk;                                  
If the sheets were askew                                    
When he went for a screw,                                   
He could not get his weenie to work.                        
                                                            
18162 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Cap'n Bean          P0102



In case you like sexual stunts,                             
Don't take on five cunts all at once.                       
All wise men eschew                                         
Overdoing a screw;                                          
It can shrink mighty peckers to runts.                      
                                                            
18163 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                 G0774



A charming young lady from Brussels,                        
Takes pride in her vaginal muscles.                         
For any erection,                                           
Her timing's perfection,                                    
And she never hurries, she hustles.                         
                                                            
18164 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



Contortionists are known for flexion,                       
And bend many ways for injection.                           
But watch which and whose                                   
They bend for and choose                                    
The ones who're least prone to infection.                   
                                                            
18165 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Jon Gearhart             



A fuck and a thrust and a parry;                            
His partner in lust he'll not marry,                        
But given the thrill                                        
Of her Blueberry Hill,                                      
He just may continue to tarry.                              
                                                            
18166 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



Before getting married, Diane                               
Offered this marital plan:                                  
"I'll never get fussy                                       
If you screw only my pussy,                                 
Or you'll witness some shit hit the fan!"                   
                                                            
18167 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Laurence Craft           



A comely young widow from Ayre                              
Has climbed from the depths of despair;                     
With no spouse to bed her,                                  
And no friend of wed her,                                   
She relies now on strangers to lay her.                     
                                                            
18168 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Norm Storer         P0108



A fellow canoeing named Whipple                             
Seduced an old maid with a triple.                          
With his stance ornamental                                  
And his manner so gentle,                                   
One could scarcely observe any ripple.                      
                                                            
18169 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0379



If he knows enough not to choke you,                        
When he starts to orally poke you,                          
He has enough skill                                         
To give you a thrill                                        
Later on, when he starts to stroke you!                     
                                                            
18170 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Kaylin Brandon           



Man's life on this Earth is a bust;                         
His symbols corrode and they rust.                          
To improve his life's term,                                 
He must husband his sperm,                                  
And must work without raising a dust.                       
                                                            
18171 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-2485



At a gathering near Fort Macleod,                           
This whisper, comes by in the crowd:                        
"I do not object,                                           
Now you're fully erect,                                     
But kindly don't do it so loud."                            
                                                            
18172 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Hugh Oliver           90d



There once was a lady named Gloria                          
Whose lewdness was such it would worry ya.                  
She fucked only negros--                                    
They've much bigger pegos--                                 
I'd say more, but I don't want to bore ya.                  
(modified by McW)                                           
18173 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                 G0600



Said a chippie to Buggerby Hoke,                            
"I'm sure what you said is a joke.                          
Of course I've a pair                                       
Of apertures there--                                        
Just make sure it's the top one you poke!"                  
                                                            
18174 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Grand Prix Lim  460 G0983



The housewife her duty does shirk                           
As she jumps into bed with a smirk                          
And she shows her crevasse,                                 
But she parcels her ass,                                    
In return for some specified work.                          
                                                            
18175 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0329



A man about town with a flair,                              
Used to date all the homeless girls there.                  
His idea's not complex,                                     
Just that right after sex,                                  
He could drop these broads off anywhere.                    
                                                            
18176 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Don Moore           P0401



Now that I have your full attention,                        
I still am hesitant to mention                              
Your fly is undone,                                         
But, today at one,                                          
The doc told me "reduce your tension."                      
                                                            
18177 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



I don't think that fondling your thigh                      
Would put such a glint in your eye.                         
And as for your tension,                                    
It comes from abstention --                                 
Thought you were a more active guy!                         
                                                            
18178 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



Of all beasts of land, air, and sea,                        
Man behaves the most curiously.                             
For no other creature                                       
Possesses this feature:                                     
Loving "A" while thinking of "B."                           
                                                            
18179 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Bob Giandomenico    P9102



I love you dear, honest I do,                               
But your Mum is a much better screw.                        
If you miss me tonight,                                     
When you turn out the light,                                
I'll be giving you mother her due.                          
                                                            
18180 CONGRESS - CAREFUL                                      



A prissy young hussy named Pru                              
Confided, "It may well be true                              
That I seem to be rigid,                                    
And, yes, even frigid--                                     
But really, I'd rather ske-rue."                            
                                                            
18181 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Norm Storer              



A young public steno from Surrey,                           
Did her work well with never a worry.                       
Though her clients were myriad                              
She did not miss a period,                                  
For she never did things in a hurry.                        
                                                            
18182 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             John Ciardi              



A gentleman shouldn't bring haste for it.                   
He must see that the lady is paced for it.                  
He must kindle the fire,                                    
Raise it carefully higher,                                  
Producing a connoisseur's taste for it.                     
                                                            
18183 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Isaac Asimov             



There was a young man of Natal,                             
Who was having a Hottentot gal.                             
She said, "Oh, you sluggard!"                               
He said, "You be buggared!                                  
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."                          
(Published 1879)                                            
18184 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Norman Douglas      L0073



Said a sweet little damsel, "I blush,                       
At requesting you, sir, not to rush.                        
Before pounding the meat                                    
In a blazing white heat,                                    
Why not finger the soft underbrush."                        
                                                            
18185 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Isaac Asimov             



I like a man with a slow hand,                              
Whose mere touch sends me to dreamland.                     
I'd rather no speed                                         
For this private deed;                                      
On that point, I'm taking command.                          
                                                            
18186 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a nympho named Carrie,                       
Who screwed every Tom, Dick, and Harry.                     
But she later confessed                                     
That Harry was best,                                        
'Cause Tom and Dick turned out to be fairies.               
                                                            
18187 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Laurence Craft           



A fine lassie from old Edinborough,                         
Once was screwed in a freshly turned furrow.                
To encourage fertility,                                     
With all her ability,                                       
She tried hard as she could to be thorough.                 
                                                            
18188 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Isaac Asimov             



There was an old fellow named Wills                         
Who dear wife had so many ills,                             
That he nearly had fits.                                    
Till he turned to his wits                                  
And he fucked between fevers and chills.                    
                                                            
18189 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-2931



While sailing his ship, Duke O'Malley                       
Hurt his back when he fell in the galley.                   
But he got along fine                                       
With his old concubine,                                     
With a push and a shove from his valet.                     
                                                            
18190 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0284



Can they str ((( e ))) tch to accommodate  T  H  I  S?      
(I'm incredibly tense from your kiss.)                      
Now I promise, you know,                                    
That I'll do it  r e a l   s   l   o   w,                   
Till you're practically fainting with bliss.                
                                                            
18191 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Dee                            
Who wanted the late show to see.                            
But her husband, though blind,                              
Just had sex on his mind,                                   
So she fucked him while watching TV.                        
                                                            
18192 CONGRESS - CAREFUL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0678



A cocksman from Kalamazoo                                   
Discovered a halavascroo.                                   
"She's so good," he declared,                               
"She should really be shared!"                              
So he let his best palavatoo!                               
                                                            
18193 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Norm Storer              



Speak kindly to women in pain,                              
For they are the ones who have lain                         
With you while you humped                                   
Their asses and pumped                                      
Hot jism again and again.                                   
                                                            
18194 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                      



There was a young lady named Meg,                           
Who liked sitting on a boys peg.                            
Said she, "I don't mind.                                    
I like to be kind.                                          
And I hate to see young fellows beg."                       
                                                            
18195 CONGRESS - CHARITY             John Ciardi              



There was a young man of St. Kitt,                          
Who was screwing a spinster, but quit.                      
Said she, "Don't be scary                                   
It's only my cherry,"                                       
But he said, "It feels more like a pit."                    
                                                            
18196 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0891



Should a fellow discover some night,                        
A girl's body in bed, it's all right.                       
He should think it's good luck,                             
And accept the free fuck.                                   
He will bugger her too, if he's bright.                     
                                                            
18197 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0495



A homely old spinster of France,                            
Who all the men looked on askance,                          
Threw her skirt overhead                                    
And jumped into bed,                                        
Saying, "Now I've at least half a chance."                  
                                                            
18198 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0834



"It's no good," said Lady Maud Hoare,                       
"I can't concentrate any more.                              
I'm all in a sweat,                                         
And the sheets are quite wet,                               
And just look!  It's a quarter to four!"                    
                                                            
18199 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0099



A middle-aged lady named Brewer,                            
Used to ask all the fellows to screw her.                   
A favor of sorts,                                           
But the number of sports,                                   
Who were willing grew fewer and fewer                       
                                                            
18200 CONGRESS - CHARITY             John Ciardi              



There was an old spinster of Tyre,                          
Who bellowed, "My cunt is on fire!"                         
So a fireman was found,                                     
Brought his engine around,                                  
And extinguished her burning desire.                        
                                                            
18201 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0902



An old turkey plucker from Perth                            
Related his tales with mirth.                               
"I have plucked them all!                                   
The large and the small --                                  
And some ladies, for what it is worth."                     
                                                            
18202 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                      



They've done a definitive study                             
On why love is getting so muddy.                            
It seems that we guys                                       
Now only have eyes                                          
For something we call a "fuck buddy."                       
                                                            
18203 CONGRESS - CHARITY             SFA                      



Up here in my opulent mansion,                              
I wrestle with limerick scansion.                           
I'm hoping the maid                                         
Will come to my aid                                         
And give me a phallic expansion.                            
                                                            
18204 CONGRESS - CHARITY             SFA                      



Since your interest now is phallic,                         
I hope that your housemaid is Gallic.                       
Just prove you're flesh and blood                           
And her deep recess flood;                                  
Much better than something metallic.                        
                                                            
18205 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Ward Hardman             



She rarely has time for my meat;                            
With servants I have to compete.                            
One day, from her fuzz                                      
I heard a loud buzz,                                        
And mowing her lawn I found Pete.  (Wilkins)                
                                                            
18206 CONGRESS - CHARITY             SFA                      



A fund-raising man of Utrecht                               
Solicited clients select.                                   
"Would you give, Mr. Hayward,                               
To the girls who are wayward?"                              
He replied, "I have given direct."                          
                                                            
18207 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin   3024-2353



A charitable lady named Wertz                               
Exclaimed as she lifted her skirts,                         
"The United Foundation                                      
Is a poor imitation                                         
Of the way that I give till it hurts."                      
                                                            
18208 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin   3024-0778



There was a young lady named Anna,                          
With a face like a purple banana.                           
Screwed again and again,                                    
She would faint from the strain,                            
And the fellow on top had to fan 'er.                       
                                                            
18209 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 P8208



A generous damsel named Marge,                              
When she spied one delightfully large,                      
Would kick up her heels,                                    
And spurning all deals,                                     
Take care of the thing without charge.                      
                                                            
18210 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Isaac Asimov             



An affectionate girl of Arcadia,                            
To her fellow said, "What can I sadia?                      
That casual lay                                             
Was simply my way                                           
Of a pleasant hello and good dadia."                        
                                                            
18211 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Keith MacMillan       31b



There was a young woman of Geneva,                          
Whose life was all joie de vivre.                           
When she grew too old to joie,                              
She employed a young boy,                                   
To restore the joie to her vivre.                           
                                                            
18212 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L1704



There once was a fellow named Finster,                      
Who lived in the town of Westminster.                       
He was lonely indeed,                                       
And in terrible need,                                       
So he balled an old homely spinster.                        
                                                            
18213 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Bob Birch           P9804



There was a young dolly named Molly                         
Who thought that to frig was folly.                         
Said she, "Your peepee                                      
Means nothing to me,                                        
But I'll do it just to be jolly."                           
                                                            
18214 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0069



To a diffident fellow named Legman,                         
A broad whinnied, "Please, must I beg, Man,                 
Like this for a lay?                                        
I'm willing to pay,                                         
Just to sample the joys of your peg, Man!"                  
                                                            
18215 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Grand Prix Lim  393  0108



A landlady living in Gower,                                 
Had passions of primitive power--                           
No masculine lodger                                         
Could possibly dodge her                                    
Demands to embed in her bower.                              
                                                            
18216 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Harold C Bibby           



A fastidious old man of Westminster,                        
Once dated a dubious old spinster.                          
So he laundered her clean                                   
In his washing machine,                                     
Where he thoroughly washed out and rinsed her.              
                                                            
18217 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin 3024  G1965



I dislike all this crude notoriety                          
I am getting for my impropriety.                            
All that I ever do                                          
Is what girls ask me to--                                   
I admit I get lots of variety.                              
                                                            
18218 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 G0155



I think I once fucked that guy;                             
To this day, I don't know why.                              
He is such a gimp                                           
And his dick is so limp;                                    
His features make me want to cry.                           
                                                            
18219 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Rbbrholic                



There was a young fellow of Tulsa,                          
Who said, "Sex has grown very dull, suh,                    
Yet I'm that much a dope,                                   
If my girl says there's hope,                               
I don't have the heart to repulse 'er."                     
                                                            
18220 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Isaac Asimov             



While cuddled up under the blanket,                         
The bank manager ravished Miss Tankett.                     
"You'll not get a bill                                      
As I'm taking the pill;                                     
Your deposit, I'll not have to bank it!"                    
                                                            
18221 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Wildman             T9712



There was an art tart in Gallipoli                          
Who told the clod snodding her snippily,                    
"That does it for you...                                    
You said one and took two,                                  
But damned if I'll take you on Tripoli.                     
                                                            
18222 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Grand Prix Lim  965      



A tourist who stopped at Capri,                             
Was had by an old maid for tea.                             
When she wiggled, he said,                                  
As he patted her head,                                      
"Ah, you're changing the 't' to a 'p'!"                     
                                                            
18223 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0681



Good heavens, I hope you're not shocked!                    
If I can't get some girlie defrocked                        
While I'm staying away                                      
I might have a wee play                                     
And I don't what to do it half-cocked.                      
                                                            
18224 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                      



Meanwhile, back at the ranch,                               
I was fucking a cowgirl named Blanche.                      
She said, "It's a change                                    
From riding the range,                                      
But I still prefer brandy-and-branch."                      
                                                            
18225 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Victor Gray              



There was a young fellow named Blaine,                      
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.                    
She was ugly and smelly,                                    
With an awful pot-belly,                                    
But...well, they were caught in the rain.                   
                                                            
18226 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0009



A reckless young man from Fort Blaney,                      
Made love to a spinster named Janie.                        
When his friends said, "Oh dear,  ("You can't win:)         
She's so old and so queer."   (She's ugly as sin.")         
He replied, "But the day was so rainy!"                     
                                                            
18227 CONGRESS - CHARITY             (Bennet Cerf Coll)  P9210



Can it be that some other mens' greed                       
Keeps the poor from the jobs that they need?                
Having nothing to do,                                       
They incessantly screw                                      
And in consequence rapidly breed.                           
                                                            
18228 CONGRESS - CHARITY             John E Maywood           



There was a young girl named McGarrity,                     
For whom sex had for years been a rarity.                   
At an orphanage dinner,                                     
She let six guys in her,                                    
But more from hot pants than real charity.                  
                                                            
18229 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 G0650



A knight in full armor, Sir Cleaver,                        
Spread a maid on the ground to relieve her,                 
And with helmet intact,                                     
Her crotch he attacked;                                     
'Twas thus that a cleaver met beaver.                       
                                                            
18230 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin            



I met a young lass named Roberta,                           
And I did all I could do to divert her.                     
But talk wouldn't do.                                       
She wanted to screw.                                        
I gave in. After all, could I hurt her?                     
                                                            
18231 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Isaac Asimov             



When the Duchess of Bagliofuente                            
Took her fourteenth cavaliere servente,                     
The Duke said, "Old chappy,                                 
I'll keep that quim happy,                                  
If I have to hire nineteen or twenty."                      
                                                            
18232 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 L0995



The psychiatrist heard with reflection                      
While a maid gave her tale of dejection.                    
He leaned back with a sigh                                  
As he unzipped his fly,                                     
And he slipped her some love and affection.                 
                                                            
18233 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin 3024  P8403



A soft-hearted whore named Miss Tuckem                      
Would take on poor cripples and fuck 'em;                   
And those lame, halt, and blind                             
And in wheelchairs confined,                                
If they needed a blow-job, she'd suck 'em.                  
                                                            
18234 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin 3024  P8511



Poor Charlie was struck with bad luck;                      
His dear friend was crushed by a truck.                     
When he viewed the departed,                                
He exclaimed as he farted,                                  
"I must give his poor widow a fuck."                        
                                                            
18235 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin   3024-2896



There was a young lady named Wertz                          
Who lay down and lifted her skirts,                         
And she cried out with clarity,                             
"This is strictly for charity,                              
You can give all you have till it hurts."                   
                                                            
18236 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Albin Chaplin   3024-0779



The first chap to fuck little Sophie                        
Was awarded the Kraft-Ebing Trophy.                         
Thus ten thousand quid,                                     
For what the guy did,                                       
Will be widely considered a low fee.                        
                                                            
18237 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Victor Gray              



We could give him tips about gums,                          
Or nice things to do with his thumbs.                       
I have heard he's hot,                                      
But, Pet, if he's not,                                      
I guess we could toss him some crumbs.                      
                                                            
18238 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                      



Many happy returns and good luck,                           
When it comes to the present, I'm stuck.                    
If you weren't so far away                                  
On your own special day,                                    
I could give you a reallly nice glass of lager.             
                                                            
18239 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Wendy Cope          P9105



There was a young woman named Suzie,                        
Who was not much inclined to be choosy.                     
So that after a day                                         
Of intensive sex play,                                      
She was apt to remark, "Say, just who's he?"                
                                                            
18240 CONGRESS - CHARITY             Isaac Asimov             



Not needed are muscles to flex,                             
Or the sight of some big beefy pecs.                        
A delicate flower                                           
Is holding the power,                                       
As to whether you guys will have sex.                       
                                                            
18241 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                      



Quoth a lady when asked if she would,                       
"I suppose, in a pinch, that I could,                       
But a vulvular tumour                                       
Keeps me in ill humour,                                     
So I don't think you'd like it so good."                    
                                                            
18242 CONGRESS - CHARITY                                 G0497



My boffing is never erratic;                                
With Bess it is not automatic;                              
Who wins my erection                                        
Is done by election;                                        
In Dixie we're so democratic!                               
                                                            
18243 CONGRESS - CONTEST                                      



The anguish, the doubt and the shame!                       
Each year it just turns out the same.                       
I am fiery hot,                                             
Not cold or with rot,                                       
But still eliminated by name!                               
                                                            
18244 CONGRESS - CONTEST                                      



Now Rusty, don't sit there and pout;                        
I promise you'll not be left out.                           
I do love your name;                                        
There's no need for shame;                                  
Line two can be changed without doubt.                      
                                                            
18245 CONGRESS - CONTEST                                      



The arena's been carefully prepared;                        
The gladiatrix' weapon is bared --                          
It's had forty-two checks                                   
From eight men with oiled pecs,                             
And the quarry'd be wise to be scared.                      
                                                            
18246 CONGRESS - CONTEST             Lucy                     



Since a quarter to five she's been drinking                 
Cold water.  I know what you're thinking.                   
But her bladder's well toned                                
And by much combat honed,                                   
And her reflexes -- quicker than blinking.                  
                                                            
18247 CONGRESS - CONTEST             Lucy                     



But he thinks he's ready for this;                          
To his fans, blows a bold, carefree kiss;                   
Takes a toke from his joint;                                
Twirls his tash to a point,                                 
And strides out to face the abyss.                          
                                                            
18248 CONGRESS - CONTEST             Lucy                     



Such elan!  She is moved and impressed;                     
In his spacesuit, impeccably dressed.                       
What a man!  What a God!                                    
What a raging hard bod!                                     
All her cobra-coiled tension goes West...                   
                                                            
18249 CONGRESS - CONTEST             Lucy                     



This is tragic -- a momentary spasm                         
And all hell breaks loose in her chasm,                     
Then she loses control                                      
Of her tight rearward hole...                               
INTERSTELLAR EXPLORER ORGASM!                               
                                                            
18250 CONGRESS - CONTEST             Lucy                     



Firmly esconced in her ass,                                 
They take off like jet-powered bass.                        
Like kids water rockets                                     
Adjoined at the sockets,                                    
They pinwheel aloft, over the mass..                        
                                                            
18251 CONGRESS - CONTEST             H Whelchel               



Of spectators, lechers and crones,                          
Soaking them, warm, to the bones.                           
Lucy's mighty jet                                           
Is not done thrusting yet --                                
But Whelchel spews forth, and she moans.                    
                                                            
18252 CONGRESS - CONTEST             H Whelchel               



Quite enemized, quaking and bare,                           
Lucy flies in an arc over there.                            
He has separation --                                        
Stage two's irrigation                                      
Propels him way up through the air.                         
                                                            
18253 CONGRESS - CONTEST             H Whelchel               



He vanishes clear out of sight,                             
As Lucy flutters down like a kite.                          
The jaded spectators                                        
Just sheathe their vibrators                                
And bid each and all a good night.                          
                                                            
18254 CONGRESS - CONTEST             H Whelchel               



According to rules new and TESTUDINATE,                     
Is seems somehow it is rude of late,                        
To line in a row                                            
Girls in a show,                                            
To test a new stud's innate potent state.                   
                                                            
18255 CONGRESS - CONTEST             J'Carlin                 



"I'm a-tellin' ya dis for da fact;                          
My a-woman, I put oil on her crack.                         
I rubba her down;                                           
She float off-a da ground,                                  
I bet-a you can't toppa that Jack."                         
                                                            
18256 CONGRESS - CONTEST                                      



"Well now, that must have been quite a sight;               
I rogered mine all day and all night.                       
She wasn't frustrated;                                      
She in fact levitated,                                      
Until she was as high as a kite."                           
                                                            
18257 CONGRESS - CONTEST                                      



"Well fellers, I don't have any proof;                      
I fucked ma gal 'til she went 'Woof!'                       
I know this much for certain:                               
Wiped my dick on the curtain,                               
And the bitch damn near went through the roof."             
                                                            
18258 CONGRESS - CONTEST                                      



A sisterly fight in the offing?                             
Well, come on you girlies, get doffing                      
Your bras and your scanties,                                
Right down to your panties;                                 
The winner is in for a boffing.                             
                                                            
18259 CONGRESS - CONTEST                                      



There was a young person of Harwich,                        
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.                 
She said, "No, you goose,                                   
Just try self-abuse.                                        
And the other we'll try after marriage."                    
(Published 1879)                                            
18260 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                L1275



I went to her place to indulge                              
In some antics I will not divulge.                          
But her girlfriend was there,                               
Which caused me to stare,                                   
And produced an unhideable bulge.                           
                                                            
18261 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            John Miller              



"Do you know," asked the girl I'd been dating,              
"How long you've been keeping me waiting?                   
It was quarter past nine                                    
When we sat down to dine.                                   
I'm afraid this will bring down your rating."               
                                                            
18262 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Neal Wilgus         P8405



A mite absent-minded was Leidy;                             
His love life got rather untidy.                            
He'd forgot to pitch woo                                    
For a whole month or two,                                   
Then do it ten times on Good Friday.                        
                                                            
18263 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Armand E Singer       872



There was a young lady of Harridge,                         
Who said, on the morn of her marriage,                      
"I shall sew my chemise,                                    
Right down to my knees;                                     
I refuse to be fucked in the carriage."                     
(Published 1880)                                            
18264 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                L0867



On Bloomingdales's UP escalator                             
Helga had a fat guy try to date her.                        
The guy felt, she was hot,                                  
Though she said she was not,                                
But she asked if he'd care to come later...                 
                                                            
18265 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Grand Prix Lim  222      



The problem of Willie and Sally                             
Is will he or will he not tally.                            
If Willie get nil he                                        
Will wed willy-nilly.                                       
But tally, and he'll dilly dally.                           
                                                            
18266 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Irving Superior     P8911



There's a young Spanish girl named Donna                    
Who'd a most irritating persona.                            
She'd trouble and vex                                       
The opposite sex                                            
And promise to screw them manana.                           
(tomorrow never comes and neither did she)                  
18267 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Tom Patton          P9708



With the butcher's wife, foreplay came first --             
Till he felt like his sausage would burst!                  
And when finally placing                                    
His port in her casing,                                     
She'd squeal at him, "Do me your wurst!"                    
                                                            
18268 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Pat Byrnes               



Most couples, long after they're wed,                       
Do Dog-Style each night in bed.                             
It is easy to peg,                                          
He sits up and begs,                                        
And she, rolling over, plays dead.                          
                                                            
18269 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Crazy Legs         TP9802



"It is time," said a woman from Devon,                      
"To exchange maiden bliss for sex heaven.                   
There is music, it's spring,                                
Flowers bloom,, birdies sing;                               
And besides I've just turned thirty-seven."                 
                                                            
18270 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Isaac Asimov             



A man had his maiden agog                                   
And was ready to slip her the log,                          
But her dog interfered                                      
And a crisis appeared,                                      
So he first threw some meat to the dog.                     
                                                            
18271 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-1119



Pretty Dawn and young Billy are dating;                     
He looks forward with joy to their mating.                  
She said they'd be spawning                                 
First thing in the morning;                                 
For the crack of Dawn, Billy is waiting.                    
                                                            
18272 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



A remarkable fellow named Clarence                          
Learned self-control from his parents.                      
With his wife in bed nude,                                  
He'd sit there and brood,                                   
And practice the art of forbearance.                        
                                                            
18273 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                G2105



Said a certain young woman named Rita,                      
Who fled from a man who would meet her,                     
"I at once understood                                       
He was up to no good.                                       
I was fleet, but thank God, he was fleeter."                
                                                            
18274 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Isaac Asimov             



Said a tired old playboy named Fred                         
To the eager young matron in bed:                           
"The weather's too sultry                                   
For committing adultery;                                    
How about an interpersonal body-contact psychological       
    hot-oil massage instead?"                               
18275 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                G2133



"Whenever you want me in bed,                               
I'm charging ten dollars," she said.                        
In bed, as she spoke,                                       
"But darling, I'm broke."                                   
"I'll loan you! I'll loan you!" she pled.                   
                                                            
18276 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Irving Superior     P9902



There was a young fellow from Oode,                         
Whose mind was excessively lewd.                            
He asserted, "All women                                     
Seen dancin' or swimmin'                                    
Would rather be home getting screwed."                      
                                                            
18277 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                L0883



When the sexes are found in conjunction,                    
Performing love's physical function,                        
Such a moment, exquisite,                                   
Is no time for a visit,                                     
So beat it, Bub, show some compunction!"                    
                                                            
18278 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Grand Prix Lim  952 G2564



Young Inga, a Swedish reporter                              
Cost me lots of cash just to court 'er.                     
But I knew my investment                                    
Would pay off, when I went                                  
And took her just south of her border.                      
                                                            
18279 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



The first time I nearly got laid                            
The girl who was helping me said,                           
"The IRVING anagram,                                        
'Guess what? It VIRGIN am."                                 
Her meter my meater dismayed.                               
                                                            
18280 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Irving Superior     P8905



While you have been gone for four days,                     
I've been sitting here in a daze,                           
Thinking of a way                                           
To get you to play                                          
Once again 'neath the covers I raise.                       
                                                            
18281 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a dumb lady from York,                            
Who at flesh-to-flesh contact would balk. (belly-to-belly)  
"Don't you think that you are,(When a swain became pressing)
(She said) going too far?     (And started caressing,)      
Why can't we just sit here and talk?" (She'd say,...)       
                                                            
18282 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



When the Bermondsey bricklayers struck,                     
Bill Bloggins was 'aving a fuck.                            
By un-i-on rules                                            
He 'ad to down tools--                                      
Now wasn't that bloody 'ard luck!                           
                                                            
18283 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                L1221



There once was a handsome young pianist,                    
Whose views about girls were the cle-anest.                 
He placed one and all,                                      
On a high pedestal,                                         
And the women all thought him the me-anest.                 
(obviously a leg man - see the Cruel Sea by Monserrat- McW) 
18284 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Isaac Asimov             



When the lady went out with young Finn                      
She did not know just where to be begin.                    
In her mind was a doubt                                     
Needing time to work out                                    
But for Finn it was time to work in.                        
                                                            
18285 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin            



I'm not irredeemably vile,                                  
So I've given up sex for a while.                           
(Though I have to admit                                     
I've a penchant for tit,                                    
Nipples, pussies and ladies with style.)                    
                                                            
18286 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



No mater how ardent and bold,                               
Love's passion will quickly turn cold                       
If in midst of the clinging,                                
The phone starts in ringing                                 
And she puts her lover on hold.                             
                                                            
18287 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Evelyn Bogen        P9408



On the beach all her parts were displayed,                  
But she said to her man, "I'm afraid                        
It's too hot in the sun                                     
To have any fun."                                           
Which was why she was made in the shade.                    
                                                            
18288 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0112



A well-brought-up woman named Kay,                          
Would frown, and then haughtly say,                         
"If we're speaking of sin,                                  
I will never begin,                                         
And yet, well perhaps, I just may."                         
                                                            
18289 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Isaac Asimov             



My Valentine Love, you're frustrating;                      
You're either (you say) menstruating                        
Or feeling the stress                                       
Of that old PMS,                                            
And the rest of the time ovulating.                         
                                                            
18290 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



Said a very sad lad in LaBray,                              
"My cute neighbor's moving today;                           
An event bound to vex...                                    
I was getting free sex                                      
And now it will be miles away..."                           
                                                            
18291 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Grand Prix Lim  645      



Where the Kurd sits and chats in his yurt,                  
The females dare not lift a skirt,                          
For primordial yen                                          
Stirs the beast in the men                                  
Till their long Mongol monoliths hurt!                      
                                                            
18292 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Grand Prix Lim   10      



A ride late at night is quite fun.                          
And also in the afternoon sun.                              
But to do it at noon                                        
Is really really too soon,                                  
'Cause the thing needs a rest, you buffoon!                 
                                                            
18293 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Lims For Year - 01       



If you and the weather are hot                              
And you now seek a cool spot;                               
If you're in the jungle,                                    
And Venus you bungle,                                       
Forego that comely Hottentot.                               
                                                            
18294 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Jim Jambor          P9103



When out with his girl friend, young Jock,                  
His fingers slipped under her frock.                        
But she said, "Not now, dear.                               
Let us play it by ear."                                     
But said Jock, "Let us play it by cock."                    
                                                            
18295 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0221



Though temperatures rise when it's maytime,                 
Sex still can be fun during playtime;                       
But you don't want to get                                   
Yourself drenched with wet sweat,                           
So simply abstain in the daytime.                           
                                                            
18296 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Armand E Singer       920



"Hey Nora!", cried George quite delightedly,                
"Come quickly -- my things all excitedly!                   
Let's do it once more                                       
Like we did it before                                       
In the forties."  "Oh George, not tonightedly."             
                                                            
18297 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Peter Wilkins            



It's a pleasure to welcome Fay back                         
For since raped in an alley attack,                         
She no longer objects                                       
To a fun game called sex;                                   
So we play days and nights in the sack.                     
                                                            
18298 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Grand Prix Lim  114      



To his wife, said a fellow of Guelph,                       
"This erection is not for myself."                          
But she said, "Let it wait,                                 
For I don't feel too great."                                
So his hard on, he put on the shelf.                        
                                                            
18299 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0183



So fast was the girl of young Fletcher,                     
He never was able to catch her.                             
What accomplished the trick                                 
Was the time she got sick,                                  
She was had as she lay on the stretcher.                    
                                                            
18300 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0696



I was snuggled up in his arms,                              
Indulging myself in his charms --                           
And then the phone rang.                                    
Gosh, shoot, shucks and dang!                               
I guess I should get three alarms.                          
                                                            
18301 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



An apprentice who had a fine tool,                          
Was thought by his girlfriend too cool,                     
Since, when he was up her,                                  
He broke for a 'cupper',                                    
Since that was his union rule.                              
(cupper - cup of tea)                                       
18302 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            E. O. Parrot             



The Bell Telephone man, Mr. Gold,                           
Was fucking a lady, so bold.                                
When he heard the phone ring,                               
So he pulled out his thing,                                 
And he placed the young lady on Hold.                       
                                                            
18303 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0699



While screwing a girl, Mr. Pyle                             
Was fucking along in great style.                           
But the phone gave a ring                                   
So she pulled out his thing                                 
And she put him on Hold for a while.                        
                                                            
18304 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0306



The new secretary, Miss Gold,                               
Was fucking her boss young and bold.                        
She was blowing his thing                                   
When the phone gave a ring,                                 
So she put the young fellow on Hold.                        
                                                            
18305 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0172



There was an old doctor named Reese                         
Who was screwing a harlot in Nice.                          
In the midst of it all                                      
He received a rush call;                                    
He returned for the rest of the piece.                      
                                                            
18306 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0750



Toasting scones, a young housewife named Joan               
Smelled them burning up -- then the phone                   
Rang and in burst                                           
Horney hubby. Which first?                                  
The scone, or the the phone, or the bone?                   
                                                            
18307 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Michael Weinstein   P8606



He had gone where he had hoped to get laid                  
By a wealthy young woman named Jade.                        
But the butler, Jose,                                       
"Our mistress's away;                                       
If you wish, you can screw her maid."                       
                                                            
18308 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Cap'n Bean          P9912



It's twenty-five minutes past three                         
In the morning and silly old me --                          
Wakened rudely -- she snored --                             
Sits by my keyboard,                                        
Thinking: sex is never for free!                            
                                                            
18309 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Jim Weaver Collection    



Just where is it you get these notions,                     
About women and their emotions?                             
With a face like sandpaper,                                 
You need a good scraper,                                    
Or there'll be no tongue licking motion.                    
                                                            
18310 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



I won't get any for a while;                                
Abstaining will make it worthwhile,                         
'Cause when she is back,                                    
I'm done doin' crack,                                       
Though I hope I won't be infertile!                         
                                                            
18311 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



It has its advantages, granted!                             
At least my seeds wouldn't be planted                       
In the garden of Eden.                                      
I'll continue weedin'                                       
Until to the right, it has slanted.                         
                                                            
18312 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



You see, if it hangs to the right,                          
I'll find myself in quite some plight:                      
Kept in my right pocket --                                  
My gun; if I cock it,                                       
Goodbye to my dong(le) of light                             
                                                            
18313 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



There was a young fellow named Hutch                        
Who never did get very much.                                
For it took him a year                                      
To get going in gear,                                       
And he always was slipping his clutch.                      
                                                            
18314 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2121



A peculiar young lady named Piltz                           
Delights to be diddled on stilts.                           
Men are all wild to try,                                    
But she's up so damned high                                 
That before you can reach her, it wilts.                    
                                                            
18315 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Grand Prix Lim  820 G2457



An unhappy bride named Suzanne                              
Told her spouse of a week, "Listen, Man...                  
I've repeatedly said                                        
I LOVE screwing in bed...                                   
But please stop while I go to the can!"                     
                                                            
18316 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Grand Prix Lim  673      



The Sutra I thought I'd attack,                             
So contortedly opened her crack.                            
With knees spread apart,                                    
I then thought I'd start.                                   
Oh Damn - I've now put out my back!                         
                                                            
18317 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



I knew this young guy young and trite                       
Whose buttocks had gone awfully tight.                      
Though he'd flex and he'd push,                             
So sealed was his tush,                                     
He could not screw his girlfriend that night.               
                                                            
18318 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Caleb Sevcik             



There was an old fellow of Lynn                             
Who had never committed a sin,                              
But when the old Pharisee                                   
Went over to Paris, he                                      
Said, "It's never too late to begin."                       
                                                            
18319 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



I envy the birds and the bees                               
Who have nookie whenever they please.                       
Not for them all this wooing                                
And billing and cooing,                                     
I'm having to do with Louise.                               
                                                            
18320 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



There was a tall gorgeous Valkyrie,                         
Who found her admirers grew leery.                          
When they climb to the spot                                 
Where the action is hot,                                    
They cannot dip in; they're too weary.                      
                                                            
18321 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Isaac Asimov             



An old business man, name of Prater                         
Was fucking a whore in Decatur.                             
He was reaching his peak,                                   
When the ceiling did leak,                                  
So she gave him a rain check for later.                     
                                                            
18322 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Albin Chaplin            



A violinist named Luc Pompidou                              
Lived alone, with his pet kangaroo.                         
When Poulene would drop in                                  
For a few rounds of gin,                                    
He was uncertain of whom he should screw.                   
                                                            
18323 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Jim Weaver Collection    



From the X-rated movies I've seen                           
I have learned I was terribly green.                        
From the first time I kissed,                               
There were ten years I missed                               
'Cause I first got laid at nineteen.                        
                                                            
18324 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Jay Marshall        P8606



A respectable girl from Toronto                             
Told her lover that if he should want to                    
Keep getting it nightly,                                    
He'd better damn sprightly                                  
Put a ring on her finger, and Pronto!                       
                                                            
18325 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Alex Heydon         P0402



Said McNee to his lady, Miss Arden,                         
As they strolled back and forth in the garden.              
"Your reluctance to fuck                                    
Is a bit of bad luck.                                       
What a hell of a waste of a hardon."                        
                                                            
18326 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



We'll never be that age again.                              
When stirrings and longings begin.                          
Who knows what the cost                                     
In joy that was lost,                                       
Because we refused to give in.                              
                                                            
18327 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Larry Davis         P8502



I confess, I am drawn by the thoughtery                     
Of an evening's licentious debauchery,                      
But the wife's back in town,                                
With her temper's renown,                                   
So I'm really not sure if I oughtery.                       
                                                            
18328 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                     



At the moment Japan declared war,                           
A sailor was fucking a whore.                               
He said, "After this poke,                                  
'Long and Hard' ain't no joke;                              
This means months till I get back ashore.                   
                                                            
18329 CONGRESS - DEFERRED                                L0119



A lisping young lady named Beth                             
Was saved from a fate worse than death                      
Seven times in a row,                                       
Which unsettled her so,                                     
That she quit saying "No" and said "Yeth".                  
                                                            
18330 CONGRESS - DEFERRED            Anon                L0811



My boyfriend thinks I'm just plain mean,                    
For moaning and pleading: "Please clean!                    
Take that trash to the dump,                                
Or no girl will you hump.                                   
Everything in the fridge has turned green!"                 
                                                            
18331 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Menopausal               



I wasn't raised in a stable!                                
So you'll have to wear clothes to the table!                
Your willy's a sight                                        
Better saved for the night;                                 
I put up with as much as I'm able!                          
                                                            
18332 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



An excessively socialized bitch,                            
And a wierdo not wearing a stitch.                          
Maybe just not a match                                      
'Twixt the caveman and snatch,                              
Despite giving each other The Itch!                         
                                                            
18333 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Consider the birds and the bees;                            
How they do it with consummate ease;                        
Lacking all inhibtions                                      
And monthly conditions,                                     
Unlike my ex-girlfriend Louise.                             
                                                            
18334 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



"Come lover, I fancy a squeeze."                            
"It's the wrong time of month", said Louise.                
Or, "A headache I've got."                                  
Or, "You want me to WHAT!?"                                 
Or, "I'm cold."  Or, "I'm going to sneeze."                 
                                                            
18335 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



I've been busy with my meditation                           
(How's that for an odd explanation!)                        
Reflecting on Buddha,                                       
With beer and some Gouda,                                   
To ease my sexual frustration!                              
                                                            
18336 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



You may be more subtle, you miser;                          
However, you're surely less wiser.                          
My "straight's" forwardness                                 
Makes ladies undress                                        
And pay me for a time on my geyser!                         
                                                            
18337 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



Since I'm in a generous mood,                               
Please keep your small tuppence for food;                   
I'll send you, cost-free,                                   
(Yes, this one's on me!)                                    
Some belles who are nude, rude, and lewd!                   
                                                            
18338 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



"I'm going to be late," cautioned Dawn                      
"But don't wait for me while I'm gone.                      
For fun while you're waiting,                               
Just try masturbating                                       
And when I arrive, I'll jump on."                           
                                                            
18339 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   A. Reimer           P9107



"I'm gonna be late," warned Edwin,                          
"But don't wait for me to begin.                            
For fun while your waiting                                  
Just try masturbating,                                      
And when I arrive, I'll jump in."                           
                                                            
18340 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Arthur Deex         P9107



"I'm going to be late," cautioned Dawn,                     
"But don't wait for me when you spawn.                      
Don't be apathetic,                                         
Be auto-kinetic,                                            
And when I arrive, I'll jump on."                           
                                                            
18341 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Martin Wellborn     P9808



I'm dating this girl named Jen;                             
I tell my love again and again.                             
I'll kiss her cheek;                                        
Sometimes she'll squeak.                                    
She the closest thing to heaven.                            
                                                            
18342 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   James62                  



Sometimes we overrate                                       
A female we've yet to mate.                                 
You should scratch that itch,                               
And as for your bitch,                                      
I've had her and she ain't that great.                      
                                                            
18343 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   MrMalo                   



My dear, it is true, I suppose;                             
I've been watered by more than one hose.                    
But this flower's still pink                                
And ready to drink;                                         
And still smells as sweet as a rose.                        
                                                            
18344 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Carol                    



I've noted the fragrant bouquet                             
That comes from the bed where you lay.                      
But Joan's pruning shears                                   
Is heightening my fears,                                    
And keeping my ardour at bay.                               
                                                            
18345 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   SFA                      



Come on then, my dear, you old stud;                        
Plant some of those roots in my mud.                        
Why not volunteer?                                          
I've no share to fear,                                      
But you can nip me in the bud.                              
                                                            
18346 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Ericka                   



Young Glen, playing 'neath an old tree,                     
With a rock, smashed a small honeybee;                      
Observing the deed,                                         
Dad said, "You will need                                    
To go for a year without honey!                             
                                                            
18347 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



Then all of a sudden, "Ker...plock",                        
A butterfly's smashed with a rock.                          
A nonchalant giggle                                         
Is making Dad wiggle,                                       
"Cause he's overwhelmed by the shock!                       
                                                            
18348 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



"That creature will ne'er again flutter,"                   
Glen heard his Dad angrily mutter,                          
"For being so cruel",                                       
His father said, "You'll                                    
Have to go for a year without butter!"                      
                                                            
18349 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



Dad said then, to mischievous Glen,                         
"It's time , son, that we should go in.                     
I'm hopefully guessin'                                      
That you've learned a lesson,                               
And you'll not do these things again!"                      
                                                            
18350 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



As the two of them walked thru the door,                    
They saw a cockroach on the floor,                          
But Mom, being quick,                                       
Said, "Those things make me sick",                          
And she stomped it three times, maybe four.                 
                                                            
18351 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



With Dad's recent words in review,                          
The young lad knew just what to do,                         
With an impish grin,                                        
Then whispered young Glen,                                  
"Shall I tell her Dad, or will you?"                        
                                                            
18352 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES                            



As we climb 'neath the duvet so snug,                       
And you ask me again for a hug,                             
Then turn over and sleep;                                   
With frustration I weep                                     
For I'd rather be munching your rug.                        
                                                            
18353 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



A carpet square for you to chew,                            
I will gladly donate to you.                                
If you get ignored,                                         
Or simply get bored,                                        
It will give you something to do.                           
                                                            
18354 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Marlene                  



The sky is cobalt blue tonight;                             
Tiny stars pierce the quick fading light.                   
The full moon is blue;                                      
My mood is blue too.                                        
My sweetheart and I had a fight.                            
                                                            
18355 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Marlene                  



I'm looking at all the scenery                              
And admiring nature's greenery.                             
Wishing he'd come home,                                     
I'm here all alone,                                         
While he's camped out in some beanery.                      
                                                            
18356 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Marlene                  



I hope he is miserable, too,                                
With a heart all broken and blue.                           
I'm ready to give in                                        
If he'll come home again.                                   
He can have the remote. I'm a shrew.                        
                                                            
18357 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Marlene                  



I really do feel for your plight;                           
I feel for your tits, left and right.                       
I feel for your sump                                        
'Cause it needs a pump,                                     
But mainly because it's so tight,                           
                                                            
18358 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   H WHELCHEL               



While your friend is out eating beans,                      
I'll dine on your plump nectarines.                         
I've got some wild oats --                                  
Forget the remotes --                                       
We'll tune out your blues with our screams.                 
                                                            
18359 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   H WHELCHEL               



Okay, I forgot the remote.                                  
Who could think with "THAT" in your throat?                 
When my sweetie comes home,                                 
(The silly coxcomb)                                         
You and I will sit here and gloat!                          
                                                            
18360 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Marlene                  



"Thank God it is Friday," she said.                         
"I can spend the whole weekend in bed,                      
With volumes of dreams                                      
On a musical theme,                                         
That keeps spinning around in my head."                     
                                                            
18361 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Azul                     



"Thank God it is Friday," she said.                         
"I can spend the next day in my bed;                        
With redheaded girls,                                       
A-wearing their curls,                                      
And all of them giving me head.                             
                                                            
18362 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Archie                   



What's this about redheaded girls?                          
You've an aversion to soft brown curls?                     
Golden skinned from the sun,                                
A beryl-eyed amazon                                         
To help make your flag unfurl!                              
                                                            
18363 CONGRESS - DEFERRED - SERIES   Azul                     



There was a young fellow named Barney,                      
Who wanted to visit Killarney.                              
He was told the colleens there                              
Were screwing-machines there,                               
But he found that was Irishmen's blarney.                   
                                                            
18364 CONGRESS - DENIED              Isaac Asimov             



My cousin Michelle is so bad,                               
She recently went out with a lad.                           
But when he proposed                                        
She quickly opposed,                                        
And told him his dick was too sad.                          
                                                            
18365 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



Don't touch me, for sure, that's the truth!                 
Why don't you go bug my Aunt Ruth?                          
I'm willing to bet                                          
She won't mind the wet.                                     
I don't like to sweat; it's uncouth.                        
                                                            
18366 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



There ws a young man named McCloud                          
Who tackled a maid that was proud.                          
He emerged a bit bloody,                                    
Disheveled and cruddy,                                      
But his prick was erect, but unbowed.                       
                                                            
18367 CONGRESS - DENIED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0537



A passionate fellow named Rassity                           
Attacked a young maid with rapacity.                        
She said, "You must learn                                   
To await your right turn,                                   
For at present I'm filled to capacity."                     
                                                            
18368 CONGRESS - DENIED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0312



A lady to the butler "Please Mork,                          
Would you kindly get me a fork."                            
He proceeded to unzip                                       
And his thing out did whip,                                 
And she said "Mork, I said fork, not fawk"                  
                                                            
18369 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



A mistress who lives near the Tweed                         
Has developed a singular creed;                             
She will not coo and bill,                                  
Or provide a cheap thrill,                                  
Till convinced there's a genuine need.                      
                                                            
18370 CONGRESS - DENIED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Azul, your friendship I'll treasure                         
But hope it is not the full measure                         
Of what you might grant,                                    
To a man who just can't                                     
Stop thinking of sensual pleasure....                       
                                                            
18371 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



A cautious young filly of France                            
Said, "Non, m'sieu, I no take ze chance.                    
I once try ze tail,                                         
And my luck...Zut!  She fail.                               
So keep your mitts out of my pants!"                        
                                                            
18372 CONGRESS - DENIED                                  G1660



A real-estate man's imperfections                           
As a lover, caused female rejections.                       
"I'm deflated," he moaned,                                  
"They're erogenous-zoned,                                   
But only for high-rise erections."                          
                                                            
18373 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



"I'm sure I am hearing it wrong,"                           
I wailed to that little Miss Strong.                        
"Did I hear you say                                         
You won't lay me today?--                                   
When I brought my whole sex kit along!"                     
                                                            
18374 CONGRESS - DENIED              Grand Prix Lim  535 G2233



A gentile old lady named Krause                             
Was robbed and debauched by a louse,                        
Which brought forth tears galore                            
From the spinster next door,                                
For she knew that she'd bought the wrong house.             
                                                            
18375 CONGRESS - DENIED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1359



There was an old man of Kentucky,                           
Who said to his woman, "Oi'll fuck ye."                     
She replied, "No you wunt                                   
Come anigh my old cunt,                                     
For your prick is all stinking and mucky."                  
(Published 1870)                                            
18376 CONGRESS - DENIED                                  l0482



Testosterone moves me to doubt                              
That a teenage lad's use of his spout                       
Will be much deterred                                       
By what must be inferred.                                   
Let's change "Just Say No" to "KEEP OUT!"                   
                                                            
18377 CONGRESS - DENIED              Norm Storer         P9806



Once the size of my member was visible,                     
I determined her fountain unfizzable,                       
When she choked back a chortle,                             
In departing my portal,                                     
And derided my rising as risible.                           
                                                            
18378 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



Why "Love Unrequited"?  Afraid                              
Of calling it lovers un-laid,                               
Or cocks never sheathed,                                    
Or pussies uncleaved?                                       
Next time, please, a spade call a spade.                    
                                                            
18379 CONGRESS - DENIED              Irving Superior     P9307



I can't lie about my love-life,                             
Or pretend that it's all without strife.                    
Just to be frank,                                           
If I needed the rank,                                       
My sofa would be my new wife.                               
                                                            
18380 CONGRESS - DENIED              Fredrico                 



An actress of dubious fame,                                 
Denied that she was on the game:                            
"Didn't tickle his pouch                                    
On his casting couch,                                       
And never was there when he came!"                          
                                                            
18381 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



"Have you ever frolicked in filth,                          
And had your twat gorged to the hilth?"                     
Asked June to friend May.                                   
May answered, "No way!                                      
My filth to the hilth has been nilth!"                      
                                                            
18382 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



There was a young sailor named Sinbad                       
Who screwed a young lady named Linbad.                      
But she swears to this day                                  
Though she has gone astray,                                 
She maintains that in bed she'd not been bad.               
                                                            
18383 CONGRESS - DENIED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0331



From East and West came two sages,                          
Who discovered the wisdom of ages:                          
Piss off the fair sex,                                      
There will be NO sex,                                       
And you'll leaarn what feminine rage is.                    
                                                            
18384 CONGRESS - DENIED              Annie Jay                



"Oh, pretty please, Marty," he'd wheedle.                   
"If you'd just let me do the deed'll                        
Make it look so cool!"                                      
But I ain't no fool --                                      
He's not sticking me with his needle!                       
                                                            
18385 CONGRESS - DENIED              Marlene Lewis            



Marsha, if it's John Deere you chase,                       
You will have no content at his place.                      
In order to bed her,                                        
He may offer his header,         (device on grain harvester)
But in the end he just won't make a CASE.                   
(John Deere and Case are farm implement companies - McW)    
18386 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



There was a young lady named Grundy,                        
For whom every day was a fun day.                           
When the Lord's day come 'round,                            
She could never be found,                                   
For she never did love on a Sunday.                         
                                                            
18387 CONGRESS - DENIED              Albin Chaplin            



Greek passions are carefree and furious,                    
And their excesses, sometimes injurious.                    
Though they're blessed with great zest,                     
On the Sabbath they rest,                                   
In a manner Melina Mercurious.                              
(Melina Mecuri - star of 'Never On Sunday')                 
18388 CONGRESS - DENIED                                  G0597



Ladies!  Beware of the chap                                 
Who entreats you to sit on his lap.                         
It may seem quite gay                                       
In the style of the day,                                    
But it ends with you both in a flap.                        
                                                            
18389 CONGRESS - DENIED              Anon                     



If we take that walk down the aisle,                        
You must give up sleeping with Lisle.                       
You must stop carousing                                     
And phallus arousing.                                       
You cannot be queen of the guile.                           
                                                            
18390 CONGRESS - DENIED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the husband, "Hey wife! Rise and shine,                
Some sex before breakfast sounds fine."                     
She said, "No, I've an eight,                               
Gynecologist's date --                                      
And I'm seeing my dentist at nine."                         
                                                            
18391 CONGRESS - DENIED              Ed Potts            P8511



Said he to she, "It's not wrong!"                           
She replied, "My convictions are strong!                    
Only bells from a wedding                                   
Will herald our bedding!                                    
First a ring, then I'll peel for your dong."                
                                                            
18392 CONGRESS - DENIED              Rowdy Jack Eggerton P0103



A careful old gal named Bernice,                            
Though ugly and rather obese,                               
Said, "Before you tumesce,                                  
I don't put out unless                                      
I get you to sign a long lease."                            
                                                            
18393 CONGRESS - DENIED              Armand E Singer       820



From deep in the stacks came a holler;                      
A librarian outraged by a scholar.                          
No, it wasn't a rape,                                       
But she has it on tape --                                   
The cheapskate's top offer: one dollar.                     
                                                            
18394 CONGRESS - DENIED              Neal Wilgus         P8311



A guy who was named Mr Trudeau                              
Once said that he'd thought he'd been screwed-o.            
What clipped his caboose                                    
Was only a goose,                                           
And the screwing was totally pseudo.                        
                                                            
18395 CONGRESS - DENIED              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



She pulled opened the door and found                        
Her blind date was speeding south-bound.                    
She just did not mind,                                      
He'd bared his behind,                                      
And his beef was just one-quarter pound.                    
                                                            
18396 CONGRESS - DENIED              Jim Weaver Collection    



How bitter was Joseph's existence                           
When he found that his girl friend's insistence             
Meant that he'd have to wed her                             
Before he could bed her.                                    
She was simply a piece de resistance.                       
                                                            
18397 CONGRESS - DENIED              Isaac Asimov             



There was a young brave who got hot,                        
And chased an old squaw who was not.                        
So she stuffed her canal                                    
With some dried chapparal,                                  
And sprinkled some sand on her twat.                        
                                                            
18398 CONGRESS - DENIED                                  L0870



The girls who dance in the chorus                           
Won't be caught dead with old Boris.                        
They claim and 'tis true,                                   
He just wants to screw,                                     
And there plain were too many before us.                    
                                                            
18399 CONGRESS - DENIED              Treva Myatt         T9710



The shepherd committed a gaffe;                             
Caused the girl that he wanted, to laugh.                   
She said, "There's no way                                   
With you I would stay;                                      
You'll just have to play with your staff."                  
                                                            
18400 CONGRESS - DENIED              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



He said, "Your advice you can keep;                         
Your rejection does not make me weep.                       
I did not want your heart                                   
But your most useful part,                                  
Which is much like the one on my sheep."                    
                                                            
18401 CONGRESS - DENIED              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



Do you think I'll just jump right in bed,                   
All willing, with my legs a spread,                         
Because you dropped by?                                     
Will you stay or fly?                                       
'Til I know, this lace I'll not shed.                       
                                                            
18402 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



They've cleared rock musician Pete Buck;                    
He must have the devil's own luck.                          
He groped stewardesses;                                     
Spilled goo on their dresses,                               
But still failed to get him a fuck.                         
                                                            
18403 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



I met him last night down the pub                           
And  over  some  lager  and  grub,                          
He whinged and he whined                                    
"Why should I be fined...                                   
For joining the ole Mile High Club?"                        
                                                            
18404 CONGRESS - DENIED                                       



In La France, once a clevair young man,                     
Met a girl on the beach down at Cannes.                     
Said the mademoiselle,                                      
"Eh, m'sieu, vot ze 'ell?                                   
Stay away where eet ees not son-tan!"                       
                                                            
18405 CONGRESS - DENIED                                  L1582



There's a man who is named Isidore,                         
Who has never made love to a whore.                         
It is not that he frowns,                                   
At the ups and the downs;                                   
He just thinks paying cash is a bore.                       
                                                            
18406 CONGRESS - DENIED              Isaac Asimov             



A clumsy young fellow named Linnet                          
Had something go wrong every minute.                        
His girl had some doubt                                     
And she soon threw him out,                                 
For fear he would get his foot in it.                       
                                                            
18407 CONGRESS - DENIED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2162



There was a young fellow named Fred,                        
Who took a young lady to bed,                               
Who slept the night through,                                
Neglecting to do                                            
What her mother had taught her to dread.                    
                                                            
18408 CONGRESS - DENIED              John Ciardi              



There once was a girl from Missippi,                        
In loves fevered grasp was quite slippy.                    
She would say with a grin,                                  
"We'll do all but put in,                                   
For I don't want to end up wide-hippy."                     
                                                            
18409 CONGRESS - DENIED              Straydog                 



I Loved Rebecca; but she                                    
Loved Tom; Tom, Jane; and Jane, me.                         
By love unrequited,                                         
We are all united.                                          
Who are so unhappy as we?                                   
                                                            
18410 CONGRESS - DENIED              Laurence Perrine    P9307



For those two little birds in the tree,                     
Or for rabbits and cats, you'll agree,                      
To mate female with male                                    
Is the point of life's tale,                                
So why this reluctance with me?                             
                                                            
18411 CONGRESS - DENIED                                  G0207



His sex drive? He couldn't defeat it;                       
Could do it six times then repeat it.                       
When his girl said, "No more,"                              
He called on a whore,                                       
But her door-sign said "Out To Lunch, Beat It!"             
                                                            
18412 CONGRESS - DENIED              Jane D. Hughes      P9205



To tell you the truth about this,                           
I really don't do much in whist.  (cardgame)                
I take my things slow;                                      
Much deeper than low;                                       
Platonic is how I doth kiss.                                
                                                            
18413 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



There's one lovely girl I adore,                            
Who thinks sex is a terrible chore.                         
If I ever suggest                                           
It, she says I'm a pest,                                    
And she'd rather be cleaning the floor.                     
                                                            
18414 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



It's not that I say, "Get 'em off                           
For a fuck!", when I fancy a boff.                          
So I say, "You look smashin';                               
You fill me with passion."                                  
But then she'll just mutter and scoff.                      
                                                            
18415 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh sure, I've been trying my luck                           
By remarking, "Hey, let's have a fuck!"                     
But she says, "Go away,                                     
I don't want it today;                                      
Can't you see to yourself and your muck?"                   
                                                            
18416 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



In frustration one day I tried force;                       
I was masterful, lusty and coarse;                          
But she said, "What a bore."                                
And then started to snore.                                  
(I felt guilty and full of remorse.)                        
                                                            
18417 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



So I wooed her with chocolates and stuff,                   
And I promised I'd never be rough.                          
"Oh my darling", I said,                                    
"Can we cuddle in bed?                                      
Can I bury my face in your muff?"                           
                                                            
18418 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



She sneered at me saying, "You fool;                        
If you want to, just play with your tool."                  
Then I had this idea,                                       
While I handled my gear;                                    
I would play it much smarter and cool.                      
                                                            
18419 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



So for weeks now I've waited my chance                      
(I can tell how she feels at a glance).                     
And although she may tease                                  
Me and give me a squeeze,                                   
I just cannot get into her pants.                           
                                                            
18420 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



She looked awfully good in that teddy.                      
Her perfume was pungent and heady.                          
I asked for the chance                                      
To get into her pants.                                      
"There's one asshole", she said, "there already!"           
                                                            
18421 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



There was a young Lady of Lucker,                           
Whose lovers all wanted to fuck her;                        
But she ran up a tree,                                      
And said, "Fiddle-de-dee!                                   
There's one born every minute, you sucker!"                 
                                                            
18422 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Edwardian Leer 098  P9306



The confident man of Miss Campbell                          
Had offered to teach her to scramble.                       
He was ready to breech her,                                 
But the pupil turned teacher                                
And she left him a broken down shamble.                     
                                                            
18423 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Albin Chaplin   3024-0076



I've met her, and to her disgusth,                          
My dick was fair dripping with Lusth.                       
Then that stupid bird                                       
Ran back to the herd,                                       
'Cause she could not take me in Musth.                      
                                                            
18424 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



She was beautiful, young, but too snide;                    
"You can try, but you won't get inside!"                    
I thought she was joking,                                   
Until I tried poking;                                       
All I dented that night was my pride.                       
                                                            
18425 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    John Miller 0100         



An irate young lady named Booker,                           
Told her husband, "You beast!  I'm no hooker!               
If you want it queer ways,                                  
Go to whores for your lays!"                                
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.                   
                                                            
18426 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Grand Prix Lim  817 G0018



I try to show you love each night,                          
But you always turn it to a fight.                          
Why make me hit and shove;                                  
I guess you like tough love.                                
You disgust me...get out of my sight!                       
                                                            
18427 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



A voluptuous girl named Elaine,                             
Greeted all Joe's attempts with disdain.                    
When he took her to dinner,                                 
And tried to get in 'er,                                    
Where he only got "in" was "in vain."                       
                                                            
18428 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Isaac Asimov             



It's Spring, the most amorous season,                       
When young men lose all sense of reason.                    
With hormonal shove,                                        
They're destined for love,                                  
Until she says, "I was just teasin'!"                       
                                                            
18429 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Uncle Rouge              



The big buxom bust on Miss Trust                            
Stirred our lust, so she said: "If you must,                
Take a whack at my crack, Jack,                             
Though I'd rather play blackjack --"                        
To hell with her cunt! Let it rust!                         
                                                            
18430 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                        G2539



The old man's jaw hit the floor;                            
He knew that he had not been a boor.                        
But the twit, in a snit,                                    
Pitched a fit, packed her clit,                             
And her twat and suchlike out the door!                     
(snit - British sports car, factory also made Huffs - McW)  
18431 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    CB                       



The wailing wife issued IRADE,                              
Insisting that her hubby trade                              
His beers and dull sports                                   
And friends of all sorts,                                   
Else by her, he would never get laid.                       
                                                            
18432 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Chris Papa               



Said a frustrated fellow named Hutch                        
Whose girl friend would not give him much.                  
"Since your legs will not part                              
A new course I must chart;                                  
Good friends must remain in close touch."                   
                                                            
18433 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Albin Chaplin            



Now Peter's got nubile young neighbors,                     
Who offer him sexual favors.                                
But all's I've got's Flo,                                   
She's Irish, you know,                                      
Who says, "No, I will not, sir, bejabers!"                  
                                                            
18434 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young fellow named Moffin                       
Who said to his dear wife so often,                         
"You don't know what you're missing --                      
It is not just for pissing --                               
And it's no goddamn good in a coffin.                       
                                                            
18435 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Albin Chaplin   3024-2899



A fearful young bride name of Kreitzon                      
Got ready for bed with no lights on,                        
And despite every plea                                      
She would never agree                                       
To get into bed with no tights on.                          
                                                            
18436 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Albin Chaplin   3024-0236



Have you heard about Mrs. Shore?                            
She doesn't put out anymore.                                
She crossed her legs                                        
And though he begs,                                         
Her husband just ain't gonna score.                         
                                                            
18437 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tom Patton          P9708



In a very high dudgeon, Miss Didgeon                        
Cried, "Man, I'm no sexual pigeon!                          
Though it's up in the air,                                  
I won't take your affair...                                 
Not even the tiniest smidgeon."                             
                                                            
18438 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Grand Prix Lim  966      



There once was a man named Jay                              
Who screwed his young girlfriend each day.                  
When they were married,                                     
His sex life was buried;                                    
She said, "Now you've had your last lay!"                   
                                                            
18439 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



I know 'bout the bees and the birds;                        
One makes honey and one makes turds.                        
Those folks who sneeze goo                                  
Ain't one of those two.                                     
'N' I don't drop my knickers for nerds!                     
                                                            
18440 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



A prejudiced woman named Sherry                             
Shunned sheenies and dagos -- "too hairy,"                  
And she'd n'er have the dick                                
Of a coon, gook, or spic,                                   
'Cause she'd not fuck who she wouldn't marry.               
                                                            
18441 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    John Sandler        P9110



An anthropology student from Kent                           
Was alone on a dig in a tent.                               
When he had a big bone,                                     
He went to the phone,                                       
But she wouldn't consent during Lent.                       
                                                            
18442 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Jim Weaver Collection    



If you had me, you'd show me no gratitude,                  
Just hand me some secondhand platitude.                     
I do beg your pardon                                        
If I cause you to harden,                                   
But alas, sir, I don't like your attitude,                  
                                                            
18443 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tony Burrell             



The desirable ladies of Brewer                              
Became fewer, and fewer, and fewer,                         
Till one sorry day,                                         
There was only one lay --                                   
And she wouldn't let anyone screw her.                      
                                                            
18444 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Hugh Oliver         A059B



Said a starlet at Sunset and Vine,                          
"While your upstanding staff is divine,                     
And cohabiting thrilling                                    
I must have top billing,                                    
Or you don't put your thing into mine!"                     
                                                            
18445 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Grand Prix Lim  958      



Some folks spend too much time playin'                      
With their dongs and their overloud brayin'.                
They have closed up their hearts.                           
Keep your private parts                                     
To yourself!  You I won't be a-layin'.                      
                                                            
18446 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



Go get your eyes checked, you fool.                         
I'm so gorgeous I know you would drool,                     
If given the chance                                         
To get in my pants,                                         
But who would want your stinky tool.                        
                                                            
18447 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



I've never been branded as quick;                           
No, I have a nice slow-burning wick.                        
It absorbs wear and tear,                                   
But is not for time-share.                                  
You can just finger your prick.                             
                                                            
18448 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    S C Saint                



"What's all this ailing, armed Knight?                      
Loitering paley's not right!                                
Fuck the sedge and the lake,                                
And that mute bird forsake,                                 
Just tell me about your sad plight."                        
                                                            
18449 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    TuttaGioia               



"I met a neat chick in the Meads.                           
I set her on one of my steeds.                              
She made a sweet moan,                                      
Which stiffened my bone,                                    
While I made her a garland of weeds.                        
                                                            
18450 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    TuttaGioia               



"This moaning went on all day long                          
While giving me glances sidelong.                           
Said she'd relish my root,                                  
Add some honey to boot,                                     
And swore that she'd do me no wrong.                        
                                                            
18451 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    TuttaGioia               



"We finally got to her grotto,                              
(By then on that dew I was blotto)                          
She started to bawl,                                        
I sensed a long haul                                        
Ere our organs were firmly legato.                          
                                                            
18452 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    TuttaGioia               



"All those sighs and that kissing, a bore!                  
I just about left through the door,                         
But she lulled me to sleep,                                 
That tease of a creep!                                      
I dreamt she enthralled me, that whore!                     
                                                            
18453 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    TuttaGioia               



"So you see here a horny young Knight,                      
Who sojorns with a tale all too trite.                      
Ah woe betide                                               
On this shitty hillside!                                    
Why was I born not so bright?!"                             
                                                            
18454 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    TuttaGioia               



"It's true that you're not very bright,                     
But next time you can get it right!                         
In that damn elfin grot,                                    
Draw a bead on her twat,                                    
And screw her with all of your might.                       
                                                            
18455 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    TuttaGioia               



There was a young fellow named Tateful                      
Whose wife about sex was so hateful,                        
That she offered him tail                                   
Once a month without fail,                                  
And he fell on his knees and was grateful.                  
                                                            
18456 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Albin Chaplin   3024-0350



Lily, a fair-haired young lass,                             
Pretended to have lots of class.                            
The boys she would tease                                    
While pretending to please,                                 
But never gave up any ass.                                  
                                                            
18457 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Anon                     



Today I went to a Boob Sale,                                
And bought the jaw bone of a whale,                         
Six bottles of stout                                        
From a man with the gout,                                   
Who was thin and most terribly pale.                        
                                                            
18458 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tony Burrell             



A fat woman started to moan:                                
"Hey whatcha gonna do with that bone?"                      
I said, "You watch out                                      
Or I'll drown you in stout."                                
And the vile creature followed me home.                     
                                                            
18459 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tony Burrell             



"I'd like a wee tipple," she said,                          
"Then perhaps we could then go to bed?"                     
I said, "Take the stout,                                    
But now please get out;                                     
I think I would rather be dead."                            
                                                            
18460 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tony Burrell             



A would-be young father named Herm                          
Pled hard that his wife accept sperm.                       
But she cried, "There's no way                              
You will get it today:                                      
And ruin my fabulous perm!"                                 
                                                            
18461 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Armand E Singer       934



There was a poor husband named Joe,                         
Whose wife liked to just sit and sew.                       
One day he got tough,                                       
And said, "That's enough!"                                  
Of course, the poor chap had to go.                         
                                                            
18462 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



She laughed did that teasing young minx                     
With her hand down her panties methinks.                    
As I tucked in my part                                      
I felt heavy of heart,                                      
For young Debbie is proving a jinx.                         
                                                            
18463 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



The angry young Lollie Lou Lamb                             
Cried, "I yam a lady, I yam!                                
So I won't spread my legs                                   
For the likes of you yeggs..."                              
Then closed her front door with a slam!                     
                                                            
18464 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Grand Prix Lim  810      



A luscious young thing named Miss Trevor,                   
Was cute and exceedingly clever.                            
To damp her beau's ardor,                                   
She puts pins in her garter,                                
And spiked the poor fellow's endeavor!                      
                                                            
18465 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                        G1620



A ditch digger itched in his britches                       
For a hitch at two sultry young twitches...                 
When asked, they sneered, "Fetid!                           
Take a walk, Man...just beat it!"                           
So the itch in his britches still itches.                   
                                                            
18466 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Grand Prix Lim  455      



In love was poor Elliot Pruitt                              
With a beautiful girl, but he blew it.                      
He said, "I'd die for you, dear,"                           
But she said, "Now look here,                               
You promise but you never do it."                           
                                                            
18467 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    S. Barry                 



Joe invited his girl to dutch treat,                        
Which sweetened the old balance sheet.                      
Though he saved lots of dough,                              
The next night proved a blow,                               
When he couldn't arouse her to heat.                        
                                                            
18468 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Isaac Asimov             



An elegant lady named Pruit                                 
Did not absolutely eschew it,                               
But demanded such bowing                                    
And scraping and vowing,                                    
That most gents walked out saying, "Screw it!"              
                                                            
18469 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    John Ciardi              



A virile young fellow named Rand                            
Was used to screwing to beat the band.                      
For three months with his ex,                               
He was having no sex,                                       
So he finally took matters in hand.                         
                                                            
18470 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tom Patton          P0311



A Scotsman in love with his neighbor                        
Found wooing the lass a great labour.                       
'Spite choccies and flowers                                 
And sweat and man-hours,                                    
He still has to toss his own caber.                         
                                                            
18471 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tutta Gioia              



His caber by him must be tossed?                            
Oh, what a sad tale you have glossed!                       
His might and his main                                      
Just gone down the drain!                                   
A replay of "Love's Labour's Lost!"                         
                                                            
18472 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES    Tutta Gioia              



There once was a tart named Belinda,                        
Whose cunt opened out like a winda                          
But she'd slam the thing shut,                              
The contemptible slut,                                      
Whenever you tried to get inda.                             
                                                            
18473 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                        L0810



The Northernmost isle there's called Unst,                  
And locals there do lots of stunst                          
With sheep and small nags;                                  
The women are hags,                                         
And won't let the men near their cunst.                     
                                                            
18474 CONGRESS - DENIED - BITCHES                             



Now Patty I thought was too pure                            
To be touched, and I didn't, for sure.                      
Then she married in haste,                                  
Thus I learned not to waste                                 
It.  Abstention's a load of manure!                         
                                                            
18475 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       John Miller              



I don't give a damn, by and large,                          
About sex.  There's too much persiflage                     
In dating and bedding,                                      
And, worst of all, wedding.                                 
It just doesn't give me a charge.                           
                                                            
18476 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       John Ciardi              



A lecherous lad from North Cape                             
Grew fond of his sister's fair shape.                       
Despite her virginity                                       
Her close consanguinity                                     
Was all that prevented her rape.                            
                                                            
18477 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Armand E Singer       210



There once was a man from Saint Louis,                      
Who thought that sex was superfluous.                       
He was rejected by gals,                                    
And all of his pals;                                        
Even prostitutes wouldn't say, "Do us!"                     
                                                            
18478 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Kevin Kepley             



A farmer's daughter from Castor                             
Met a salesman traveling in plaster.                        
It could have been thrilling                                
For she was quite willing,                                  
But somehow he never quite aster.                           
                                                            
18479 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Neal Wilgus         P8302



An old Anglo-German named Fred,                             
So repressed that he nearly was dead,                       
Scouted weeks till he found                                 
A girl who was sound,                                       
But even so, would not take her to bed.                     
                                                            
18480 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                           G2342



An amorous lady named Grace                                 
Was thrilled by a passioned embrace,                        
So she said to her lover,                                   
"Let's get under the cover."                                
He said, "No, I'm just out for the chase."                  
                                                            
18481 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0180



In a prune in a spoon came THE PILL;                        
She's 80 and hoping I will.                                 
But it ain't gonna work;                                    
My duty I'll shirk,                                         
'Cause I still hate the smell of that krill.                
                                                            
18482 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



A drunken young fop took a floozy in                        
To his bed and tried sticking his whoozy in.                
But he didn't succeed                                       
In his efforts to breed;                                    
The world is that much less Malthusian.                     
                                                            
18483 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A sex-starved professor at Yale                             
Planned for weeks how to get him some tail.                 
He would wink, now and then,                                
At both women and men,                                      
But with all that, he managed to fail.                      
                                                            
18484 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Grand Prix Lim  180 G0233



Digital manipulation                                        
Instead of copulation?                                      
Does this mean his finger                                   
Will kiss you and linger?                                   
And give you some sweet adulation?                          
                                                            
18485 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



"Removed's not the same as delayed."                        
That saying's not true, I'm afraid                          
'Cause when I fell out                                      
Of that cute little Kraut,                                  
Her cervix just never got sprayed.                          
                                                            
18486 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



Said Sabu, the goon of Rangoon,                             
"As I see it, sex is a boon.                                
Allah gives, so men may                                     
Cheer their lives with a lay...                             
But I ain't got no broad to harpoon."                       
                                                            
18487 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Grand Prix Lim  253      



There once was a man with a lance,                          
Who came looking for sweet romance.                         
So he showed off his cock                                   
To the girls by the dock,                                   
But he didn't quite have the finance.                       
                                                            
18488 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



An apartment outside New Westminster                        
Housed an aging and desperate spinster,                     
Who was longing to fool                                     
With the caretaker's tool --                                
But he never would hold it against her.                     
                                                            
18489 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Keith MacMillan      108b



You are much too obsessed with sex;                         
You remind of a guy named Tex.                              
He didn't get any,                                          
Though he tried to get many.                                
Even your hand is now your ex                               
                                                            
18490 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



By passion, one must not be led                             
Lest it lead to the loss of one's head.                     
If a man be discreet,                                       
He should not get his meat                                  
At the place that he earns daily bread.                     
                                                            
18491 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2156



An oversexed young girl named Hooker                        
Says life has just up and forsook 'er.                      
At a party in Taft                                          
She felt every man's shaft,                                 
But not a damn fellow there took 'er.                       
                                                            
18492 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                           G0616



There was a young lady named Frances,                       
And I'd love to get into her pantses.                       
But since she's a nice girl                                 
And I'm not a rough churl,                                  
I don't get too many chances.                               
                                                            
18493 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                           G075A



A certain young lass of Algeria,                            
Was reduced to loud wails of hysteria,                      
When her escort one night                                   
Said, "No, Miss, honor bright,                              
My motives are just not ulterior."                          
                                                            
18494 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Isaac Asimov             



"You may think me a bit of a cynic,"                        
Wheezed a crafty old geezer named Minnick                   
To a girl of the night,                                     
"But you don't look just right,                             
And I'd hate to end up in a clinic."                        
                                                            
18495 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



There was a young man of this nation,                       
Who didn't much like fornication;                           
When asked, "Do you fuck?"                                  
He said, "No, I suck                                        
Women's quims and I use masturbation."                      
                                                            
18496 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       The Pearl 1879           



"No! No!" said a man so penurious,                          
He'd convinced himself sex was injurious.                   
"At a pretty a penny,                                       
I wouldn't have any.                                        
At tuppence, I'm not even curious."                         
                                                            
18497 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       John Ciardi              



While punting about on the Cam,                             
A self-conscious student named Sam                          
Was heard to give thanks,                                   
To a girl on the banks:                                     
"No, just punting about, thank you Ma'am!"                  
                                                            
18498 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Norm Storer         P0012



Did you know that old Ebeneezer                             
Was really a perverted old geezer.                          
Tiny Tim he'd excite,                                       
Then say, "Not tonight",                                    
For Ebeneezer was just a prick teaser.                      
                                                            
18499 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



Who told you that your shit don't stink?                    
Why should I give a fuck what you think?                    
I'd fuck Ruth before you lass;                              
With your crab-infested ass!                                
You probably look like the missing link.                    
                                                            
18500 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE                                



Said a virginal fellow, "Exquisite                          
'S the pain in my groin. Oh why is it,                      
That in love, I can't win--                                 
The last dame I was in                                      
Was a Statue of Liberty visit."                             
                                                            
18501 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Bob Giandomenico    P9307



There was an ingenuous Lapp,                                
Who was, it appeared, quite a sap.                          
When a young woman said,                                    
"Please come to my bed."                                    
He thanked her and took a long nap.                         
                                                            
18502 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Isaac Asimov             



There once was a blase young swinger,                       
Not disposed much to wait or to linger.                     
If his prick was refused,                                   
He did not act abused;                                      
He merely held up his third finger.                         
                                                            
18503 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady named Bunky                          
Who asked for a date from a flunky.                         
He declined her because                                     
There's a whole set of laws                                 
About what he could do to a monkey.                         
                                                            
18504 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0071



A lad with a saintly proclivity                             
Declined all immoral festivity.                             
In his manner pontificate                                   
He said, "I've no certificate                               
To indulge in this type of activity."                       
                                                            
18505 CONGRESS - DENIED - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2201



A certain unfortunate grocer                                
Is steadily growing moroser.                                
He explains that he needs                                   
Just a few small misdeeds,                                  
But the girls uniformly say, "No, sir."                     
                                                            
18506 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Isaac Asimov             



I once knew a girl, what a looker!                          
More desirable than any hooker.                             
Oh my, how I tried;                                         
I was always denied.                                        
No way would that girl let me fook her.                     
                                                            
18507 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



Said a young bridegroom boarding at Rye,                    
To his bride who was dreadfully shy:                        
"Now we're properly wed                                     
And together in bed,                                        
If you can't, you can bloody well try!"                     
                                                            
18508 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                            G0173



When her headache is starting to peak,                      
And you have abstained for a week,                          
Turn your backs to each other                               
And think of your mother.                                   
You'll fall asleep fast, cheek to cheek.                    
                                                            
18509 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Al Willis           P9708



Charming strangers, both on recreation,                     
Soon ended a spot of probation.                             
They refused to be fused,                                   
Both abused, they were used                                 
To a holiday from fornication.                              
                                                            
18510 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Bill Backe-Hansen   P8709



Consider anachronous Kevin,                                 
Whose girl friends all promised him heaven,                 
But if he made a date                                       
For a quarter of eight,                                     
Her "friend" would show up around seven.                    
                                                            
18511 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Pierce Evens             



There was a young lady of Gault,                            
A generous girl, to a fault.                                
Till a man from the Sault                                   
Tried to get her to screw,                                  
So she ran off and hid in a vault.                          
                                                            
18512 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        John                P9807



A moral young lady named Rose                               
For men would not take off her clothes.                     
She rejected men's pricks                                   
And she got all her kicks                                   
By farting and blowing her nose.                            
                                                            
18513 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Albin Chaplin   3024-1896



Though erotically I am on fire,                             
I lack funds for a prostitute's hire.                       
So guys, let's agree;                                       
Sex ought to be free.                                       
(But why should I preach to the choir?)                     
                                                            
18514 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Norm Storer         P9812



The person I have been projecting,                          
You've all seemed to be rejecting.                          
With no one to screw,                                       
I've been somewhat blue                                     
And generally down and dejecting!                           
                                                            
18515 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



In a tent, on the beach, at the ocean,                      
The two had a sexual notion.                                
But with no lube to be found                                
And the sand all around,                                    
'Twas a fly without any lotion.                             
                                                            
18516 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Anon                     



The first liar ain't got a chance,                          
(As you can tell by these guys' rants).                     
They brag and they bluster                                  
But then they can't muster                                  
The balls to get into her pants.                            
                                                            
18517 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



Go check through the peephole, though, first.               
What's knocking on my door's the worst                      
Excuse for a man,                                           
Since when time began                                       
To love him I can't be coerced!                             
                                                            
18518 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



Prince Charming should have a white horse                   
Be charming and witty -- not coarse!                        
He should not just curse                                    
And quote me bad verse,                                     
Until his voice has gone quite hoarse!                      
                                                            
18519 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



I must say that here 'mong the gentry,                      
We don't use our balls to gain entry.                       
And  this  is  because,                                     
Once inside her drawers,                                    
She's gasping for things complimentry.                      
                                                            
18520 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



A ban on sex?  All people flout it.                         
There's no cause for doing without it.                      
Yet with all of the chances                                 
For successful advances,                                    
Why do so many just read about it.                          
                                                            
18521 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        A. N. Wilkins       P9102



I wonder where all the time went.                           
But that's not the loss I resent.                           
I know I have missed                                        
The chance to be kissed,                                    
By failing to give my consent.                              
                                                            
18522 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Larry Davis         P8509



Said the animal lover named Joan,                           
"You may give my pet poodle a bone,                         
Even make it a habit                                        
Of feeding my rabbit,                                       
But you must leave my pussy alone."                         
                                                            
18523 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Said an unhappy cocksman named Tuck,                        
"Some nights a guy's shit out of luck.                      
For there seldom is heard                                   
A discouraging word                                         
To match Millie's, 'No I won't fuck!'"                      
                                                            
18524 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                            G0211



Abstinence to most that are wary,                           
Is due to diseases most scary.                              
For me, I admit                                             
The reason's unfit;                                         
Mine is just not voluntary.                                 
                                                            
18525 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Hare                     



Whatever has happened to Sybil?                             
She used to be good for a dibble;                           
But now she's a nun                                         
And forgotten the fun.                                      
She won't even consider a nibble.                           
                                                            
18526 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Peter Wilkins            



I fancied my sweet little cousin,                           
(My age then in years was a dozen,)                         
I tickled her rear                                          
With my spear, but my ear                                   
Got slapped, and I left, head a-buzzin'.                    
                                                            
18527 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



I was half of that age and a runt;                          
But my cousin did not take affront                          
At my fumbling try,                                         
But told me, "Don't cry!                                    
Here, I'll show you a fine little... stunt."                
                                                            
18528 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



An eager young fellow named Wade                            
Was anxious to see his fair maid.                           
He laid plans for the day                                   
But they all went astray,                                   
When he found that his plans had been laid.                 
                                                            
18529 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Albin Chaplin   3024-0374



Said the bride on her wedding night, "Dear,                 
We were shacked up for more than a year...                  
So now that we're wed,                                      
Could we just go to bed,                                    
And turn over and sleep, rear to rear?"                     
                                                            
18530 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Grand Prix Lim  579      



Because of his kite's jerky flight,                         
They suggested "You need more tail." "Right"                
The Polack said, "Though                                    
When I tole my wife so,                                     
She told me to go fly a kite."                              
                                                            
18531 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        A. N. Wilkins       P8908



There was a young man named Brewer,                         
Whose girl made her home in a sewer.                        
Thus he, the poor soul,                                     
Could get into her hole,                                    
And still not be able to screw her.                         
                                                            
18532 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                            G1531



You sound like the girl from Lahore,                        
The ultimate holiday bore.                                  
I was eager for dips                                        
At her lips or her hips,                                    
But all she could do was to snore.                          
                                                            
18533 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Carol                    



An astronaut fellow named Tate                              
Observed, "If there's one thing I hate,                     
It's these babes who say 'no'                               
When all systems are go,                                    
And won't let a guy fornicate."                             
                                                            
18534 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Armand E Singer       712



I scooted down from the headboard,                          
As I was in search of reward.                               
But there was no scoring,                                   
My girl she was snoring,                                    
And I was as stiff as a board.                              
                                                            
18535 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Al Willis          TP9806



He courted a young Anglo-Saxon;                             
Her hair was so soft and so flaxen.                         
They were happy in bed                                      
And might well have been wed,                               
Till she found that he snored like a klaxon.                
                                                            
18536 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        John E Mayhood           



Young Simon is chewing his knuckle                          
For lack of a nipple to suckle,                             
'Cause Amy (whose bust                                      
Is an object of lust)                                       
Has found someone other to fuckle.                          
                                                            
18537 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



A man who was crude and uncouth                             
Met up with a maiden named Ruth.                            
But she gave him the air                                    
When he tried to betray 'er                                 
One night in a telephone booth.                             
                                                            
18538 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        W S Baring-Gold          



To the young lambs that gave me no mutton,                  
Or even their blouses unbutton,                             
And to all of you virgins                                   
Who turned down my urgin's,                                 
I just want to say -- Thanks for nuttin'!                   
                                                            
18539 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Lims For Year - 01       



There was a Young Lady whose chin                           
Resembled the point of a pin;                               
As sharp as a knife                                         
And threatened your life                                    
Whenever you tried to get in.                               
                                                            
18540 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Edwardian Leer 051       



Like to put it in her but can't?                            
Or sell some fine filly?  You shan't.                       
Three years with no poon                                    
Can make one's head swoon.                                  
Speak of which, I might help with the plant.                
                                                            
18541 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD                                 



There was a young girl named Annette                        
Who would not have sex on a bet.                            
She possessed an aversion                                   
To this type of diversion,                                  
It was far too much blood, tears and sweat.                 
                                                            
18542 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Albin Chaplin            



In old Egypt they lived with a curse,                       
Without doctors -- not even a nurse.                        
For indulging in sex                                        
Brought a hell of a hex,                                    
But abstaining was twenty times worse.                      
                                                            
18543 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Neal Wilgus         P8209



A fustrated bachelor named Gold                             
Put thoughts of romancing on hold;                          
He groused, "They're displeased,                            
Or poor, or diseased,                                       
Or jail bait, or ugly, or old."                             
                                                            
18544 CONGRESS - DENIED - SAD        Armand E Singer       318



A curvaceous young lady named Leeman,                       
Refused naval dates with much screamin'.                    
In was not that the army,                                   
Was any more charmy,                                        
But the gal was allergic to semen.                          
                                                            
18545 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                         G2398



Mabel chirped, "Anyone for coition?"                        
But I wasn't in any position                                
To go for her loving,                                       
For the ten I'd been shoving                                
Somehow had me out of condition....                         
                                                            
18546 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Grand Prix Lim  970      



Have you heard of bow-legged Sam McGuzzen,                  
Married Samantha, his knock-kneed cousin.                   
Some people say                                             
Love finds a way,                                           
But for Sam and Samantha, it doesn'.                        
                                                            
18547 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                         L0064



Though married three months, Willie's hexed.                
And it's got the whole family vexed.                        
The lad's future life                                       
Will be rough on his wife,                                  
For we find he's completely unsexed.                        
                                                            
18548 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Grand Prix Lim  380      



Wailed corpulent, lecherous Beacham,                        
"I love plumpish girls and beseech 'em                      
To push out their slots                                     
And suck in their pots,                                     
But try as I will, I can't reach 'em."                      
                                                            
18549 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     1000 Horney Lims    P0308



Wailed corpulent, lecherous Beacham,                        
"I love plumpish girls and beseech 'em                      
To rotate their pubes                                       
And deflate their boobs                                     
But try as I will, I can't reach 'em."                      
                                                            
18550 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Arthur Deex         P0308



Wailed corpulent, lecherous Beacham,                        
"I love plumpish girls and beseech 'em                      
To extrude their pudendum                                   
As I try to ascend 'em                                      
But try as I will, I can't reach 'em."                      
                                                            
18551 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Arthur Deex         P0308



I'm not wearing my underwear.                               
I thought to give Charlie a scare.                          
"You're no Sharon Stone,                                    
Just leave me alone!"                                       
This is a damn boring affair.                               
                                                            
18552 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



That Charlie got intoxicated                                
And did some things that were x-rated.                      
When sober he'd rather                                      
Just simply not bother --                                   
He once told me he'd been castrated!                        
                                                            
18553 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



There was an old person of Tartary,                         
Who divided his jugular artery;                             
But he screeched to his spouse,                             
And she said, "Oh you louse!                                
Rather than screw, you chose martyry!"                      
                                                            
18554 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Edwardian Leer 107       



It isn't a matter of should he,                             
Nor whether we all wonder, "Could he?"                      
The fact is, the best                                       
to be said of the test                                      
Is, if he could as he should, Woody?                        
                                                            
18555 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



There was a young fellow named Grant,                       
Who was built like a sensitive plant.                       
When asked, "Do you fuck?"                                  
He replied, "No such luck!                                  
I would if I could, but I can't."                           
                                                            
18556 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Norman Douglas      L0072



DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell,                          
Built a word-circling pussy cartel,                         
And by planned obsolescence,                                
So controlled detumescence,                                 
A poor man could not get a smell.                           
                                                            
18557 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                         L1052



I took my girl down to the river;                           
My stomach and knees all a quiver.                          
No doubt you have guessed                                   
The reason I'm stressed.                                    
Once more I have failed to deliver.                         
                                                            
18558 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Aussie Owl               



Moaned fast-aging cockster, old Eric,                       
"I've suffered my great climacteric:                        
Though once the young hero,                                 
My love-life's hit zero --                                  
My failures are truly Homeric."                             
                                                            
18559 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Armand Singer       P0001



After one naked night in New Britain                        
With a wholly immoral sex kitten,                           
A fellow from Bode                                          
Shot off his last load,                                     
And sighed, "Back to your knittin'--I'm quittin'!"          
                                                            
18560 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                         G0150



Things don't, for a fellow like Stan,                       
Always go according to plan.                                
There are times when he would,                              
And certainly should,                                       
But the question is whether he can.                         
                                                            
18561 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Pierce Evans             



Stress is now costing me hair;                              
I'm deprived of my usual flair.                             
I am rarer to quip;                                         
In pain bite my lip.                                        
Can't get any while in this wheelchair.                     
                                                            
18562 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Jim Weaver Collection    



I met with some lassies from Skye,                          
And asked, "Are you up to it?"  "Aye,"                      
They said, "If you bang us                                  
Like Aberdeen Angus."                                       
"I wish," I replied with a sigh.                            
                                                            
18563 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Peter Wilkins            



Takes cranes to get it up, you said?                        
I don't think there's room in my bed.                       
And what if you bent 'em                                    
When you gained momentum?                                   
(Perhaps I should call Mr. Ed.)                             
                                                            
18564 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



A lay in heat said, in L.A.                                 
"Olay, Lay me, Olay, Olay!"                                 
But Olay, the Spaniard                                      
Done doddered his daniard,                                  
So no lays came from Olay all day.                          
                                                            
18565 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Grand Prix Lim  804      



There was a young lady named Bustard                        
Who went on a date and got flustered.                       
She was told that with Draper,                              
She could cut a fine caper,                                 
But she found he could not cut the mustard.                 
                                                            
18566 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Albin Chaplin   3024-0073



An old man from old Manitober,                              
Met a young girl to disrobe her.                            
Once down to the buff,                                      
It got rather rough;                                        
He hadn't the tackle to probe 'er!                          
                                                            
18567 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Anthony practises snooker                             
Each day with Belinda the hooker;                           
And though he can pot                                       
Them first time in her twat,                                
He has never quite managed to fook 'er.                     
                                                            
18568 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



A clumsy romancer and dancer                                
Is forced to hear often this answer,                        
"You've a right pleasant face                               
But are lacking in grace,                                   
And to love you, I doubt that I can, Sir."                  
                                                            
18569 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Laurence Perrine    P9307



A beauty with charm was my Jane;                            
Personality, looks, and a brain!                            
Yet she lived free from sin                                 
(I could not get it in.)                                    
I'll not bother to see her again.                           
                                                            
18570 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     John Miller 0009         



Decrepit old Vice-Admiral Twynn                             
Took a Wren to his cabin for sin.                           
Though he boasted of screwing,                              
Three knots was he doing:                                   
(Not long, not hard, and not in).                           
                                                            
18571 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                         G2541



A peckerless person named Chuck                             
Said, "Sex is a pastime I duck.                             
With a gall I can neck her,                                 
But, having no pecker,                                      
I'm not the best choice for a fuck."                        
                                                            
18572 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                         G1998



There was a young lady of Havant,                           
Who slept with an impotent savant.                          
Said she, "Yes, we shouldn't",                              
But it turned out he couldn't,                              
"So you can't say we have, when we haven't.                 
                                                            
18573 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                         G0021



An elder of Perth had a yen                                 
To rape a young lass in the glen.                           
She asked him to piss                                       
Before the first kiss.                                      
When he did he could not rise again                         
                                                            
18574 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     A. N. Wilkins       P8509



"I can't do it, I'm through," said John Warder,             
While debauching down south of the border.                  
"This long hard boozing spree                               
Must have caused me to be                                   
Temporarily fresh out of ardor."                            
                                                            
18575 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



"It was terrible," Sadie relates,                           
"I was dealt a cruel blow by the fates,                     
There I was wishin'                                         
For whole-hog coition,                                      
But my date was a pirate named Bates."                      
                                                            
18576 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Ed Potts            P8507



I met a young lady from Eire,                               
I started calling her 'dearie'.                             
She said that she shouldn't;                                
I knew that she couldn't.                                   
Events proved the truth of my theory.                       
                                                            
18577 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     The Glimerick Book  P9001



A lecherous young Lilliputian                               
Made advances, his feet on a cushion;                       
But, although fully erect,                                  
He failed to connect,                                       
However hard he was pushin'.                                
                                                            
18578 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     C. Vita-Finzi            



A matron who had an old lodger,                             
Spent the night curling up with this codger.                
Though she cooed, "You're invited,"                         
She remained unrequited,                                    
And it took him till dawn to dislodge 'er.                  
                                                            
18579 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Lims For The John   P0109



Said a fading old lecher named Cardigan,                    
"I'm afraid that I'll never get hard again.                 
What's more, the girls know                                 
I've this trouble, and so,                                  
At the local bordello, I'm barred again."                   
                                                            
18580 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Isaac Asimov             



An unhappy lassie named Fears                               
Returned home unscrewed and in tears...                     
She sobbed, "I thought Clay                                 
Was okay for a lay,                                         
But today guys are limber...or queers!"                     
                                                            
18581 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Grand Prix Lim  545      



He wanted to wet up his willie,                             
But the lady was more than just chilly.                     
So his woody went soft,                                     
And his derby he doffed                                     
To find him a filly named Billy.                            
                                                            
18582 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



When a corpulent spinster named Snow                        
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,                       
She replied, "I have pride!                                 
Your request is denied!                                     
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"                  
                                                            
18583 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



After one naked night in New Britain                        
With a wholly immoral sex kitten,                           
When he came to a stop,                                     
He said, "That's the last drop,                             
Back to your knittin'--I'm quittin'!"                       
                                                            
18584 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Jim Weaver Collection    



A certain young lady went swimmin'                          
Without wearing all the right linen.                        
Old George got depressed                                    
When he saw her bare breast,                                
'Cause his age now prevents him from sinnin'.               
                                                            
18585 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Anon                     



You were out with my niece, rabid Lily;                     
She was working around Picadilly.                           
You were drunk as a skunk                                   
When you sunk on her bunk,                                  
And she couldn't arouse your wee willie.                    
                                                            
18586 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE                              



The problem is you just can't ball!                         
Stop swilling all that alcohol!                             
You got it from me?                                         
Well, I cannot see                                          
That that's any excuse at all.                              
                                                            
18587 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Marlene Lewis            



Three strapping seadogs from East Cooper;                   
Each one drank himself into a stupor.                       
When came three young lassies,                              
All flirty and sassy,                                       
The seapuppies just couldn't not be drooper.                
                                                            
18588 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Gibbon the Troubadour    



A fellow from Marblehead, Mass.,                            
Had a liking for good country ass.                          
He searched hill and dale                                   
For a good piece of tail,                                   
But fatigue then unmanned him, alas.                        
                                                            
18589 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The lovely young lady named Leeza                           
Stayed true to her very old geezer.                         
His member was dead,                                        
So he gave her instead                                      
A stiff piece of plastic -- From VISA.                      
                                                            
18590 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Parker Waterman     P0205



There was a young woman named Connie,                       
Intelligent, gentle, and bonny.                             
Were she willing to screw,                                  
Men would yell, "Whoop-de-do,                               
Hallelujah, and hey-nonny-nonny!"                           
                                                            
18591 CONGRESS - DENIED - UNABLE     Isaac Asimov             



The suitors for Sweet Polly true                            
Began with a mere count of two.                             
Though Tom sounded sweet,                                   
She hankered for Pete,                                      
and Musty could mount Daisy, too.                           
                                                            
18592 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



But then, to Sweet Polly's chagrin,                         
Prairie Pete morphed to a gentleman.                        
To her beans showed disdain,                                
Said gas gave him a pain,                                   
As he chucked her 'neath her double chin.                   
                                                            
18593 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



"I am a changed man, don't you see?                         
No more uncouth enjoyments for me.                          
Those days are behind me                                    
So please don't remind me...                                
I say, do you have any tea?"                                
                                                            
18594 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



Now, Polly was struck with unease,                          
So she tried a new tactic to please.                        
As she hauled out the ashes,                                
She fluttered her lashes,                                   
Determined this cowboy to tease.                            
                                                            
18595 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



She turned on the radio low;                                
Set the mood with some sad country woe.                     
She said, "Here, eat your tater,                            
Ah've got plans fer ya later.                               
Perhaps the startch'll make Little Pete grow."              
                                                            
18596 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



He picked at his vittles, uneasy.                           
Said, "My, these potatoes are greasy.                       
I shan't eat them, Paul,                                    
Too much cholesterol.                                       
Lately lard makes my stomach feel queasy."                  
                                                            
18597 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



Since Pete spurned her lavish repast,                       
And seemed loathe to remember the past,                     
She went into Plan B                                        
And sat down on his knee,                                   
As he looked at her, shocked and aghast.                    
                                                            
18598 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



Sweet Polly was rarin' to go.                               
She thought Pete would be rowdy and so                      
She opened her arms                                         
To reveal both her charms,                                  
And was shocked to hear Pete say, "Dear, no,                
                                                            
18599 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



"Let's not be so glaringly crass,                           
Sweet Polly, my fine Texas lass.                            
Please show some finesse                                    
And rebutton your dress.                                    
And please, dear, recover your ass."                        
                                                            
18600 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



Sweet Polly said, "Well, Ah'll be durned!                   
Fer a "Real man" is what Ah have yearned.                   
Ya'll done gone squirrelly,                                 
Now actin' all "girlie",                                    
With these "citified" ways ya done learned!"                
                                                            
18601 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



She decided she'd not take no more.                         
Her ol' Pete had turned into a bore!                        
So with all of her might,                                   
Kicked him into the night,                                  
As she slammed and deadbolted her door.                     
                                                            
18602 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



So, Sweet Pol's in the market again,                        
For a guy who can settle her yen,                           
For hard loving and work                                    
But who won't be a jerk.                                    
Any takers?  Inquire within.                                
                                                            
18603 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



I lay on my back in the long,                               
Long grass, while Marie teased my dong,                     
With fingers and lips,                                      
While my head 'tween her hips,                              
Was teasing her clit into song.                             
                                                            
18604 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



A noise! I arose from my back, ter                          
See old farmer Giles in his tractor,                        
With dung spreader fitted;                                  
'Twas time that we flitted.                                 
Frustrated, and still I'd not facked her.                   
                                                            
18605 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



We strolled through the woods to the river,                 
In peaceful surroundings I'd give her,                      
A length of old Oggy,                                       
In style straight or doggy;                                 
Again though, I could not deliver.                          
                                                            
18606 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



For some indescribable cunt,                                
Was arsing about in a punt,                                 
With foul outboard motor.                                   
I told him to go ter                                        
The deepest of hells for that stunt.                        
                                                            
18607 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



One last try.  We climbed the church spire,                 
In belfry I'd quench my desire.                             
But no fornication,                                         
Tintinabulation,                                            
Of bell tollers quenched quite my fire.                     
                                                            
18608 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Marie, in a huff, up and left,                              
So I went to the farmyard to heft                           
A young heifer's snatch.                                    
But who there should catch                                  
Me but old Giles's wife, who so deft...                     
                                                            
18609 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



...Grabbed hold my throbbing appendage,                     
And tripped me in ways to upendage,                         
And then, (if you follow,)                                  
Cock, pullet and swallow,                                   
Which brings this odd tale to an endage.                    
                                                            
18610 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Says my young daughter, who's name is Kate,                 
"Dad, 'bout dating, you just can't relate."                 
I too was once a yout',                                     
So I know I will shoot                                      
Any date with thoughts to copulate.                         
                                                            
18611 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



This I've made the young men aware;                         
Hope I've succeeded with my scare.                          
If they try to get "it",                                    
They in boucoup shit.                                       
I'm ever alert. Best not dare!                              
                                                            
18612 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



He claimed to be up for a lay;                              
He wanted a roll in the hay.                                
Take 'er or leave 'er,                                      
I've got the hay fever.                                     
My eyes are swoll shut for today.                           
                                                            
18613 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Marty              TP9807



He shouted, "I've got an erection!"                         
I mumbled "I've got an infection.                           
If you want to trade,                                       
Then you can get laid."                                     
Funny -- he settled for affection.                          
                                                            
18614 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Marty              TP9807



So tell me, is this something new?                          
For though my requests have been few,                       
You won't let me mount.                                     
Now I have lost count                                       
Of times you've denied me a screw.                          
                                                            
18615 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Frank Fazed              



"You've not said the least bit that's true!                 
I've never denied you a screw.                              
I've said, go ahead --                                      
In any whore's bed.                                         
Just don't expect me in there too!"                         
                                                            
18616 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Marlene Lewis            



Sweet Melisande, you are so refined;                        
So delicate, gentle and kind.                               
With love I'm besot,                                        
So show me your twat,                                       
And give me a bloody good grind.                            
                                                            
18617 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Your words are like Browning and Shelly.                    
Your movements like dancer Gene Kelly.                      
But Pelly, I'll tell ye,                                    
I'll not bare my belly,                                     
'Cause Pelly, your smelly as helly!                         
                                                            
18618 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Enchantress thou art, Melisande,                            
Come hither and give me thy hand.                           
To aid our romance,                                         
Put it here in my pants,                                    
And massage my hot throbbing gland.                         
                                                            
18619 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Oh Pelleas darling, I'm shocked!                            
I'm standing here, not yet defrocked,                       
But thou couldst not linger.                                
I've goo on my finger;                                      
I think, sir, you've  gone off half-cocked.                 
                                                            
18620 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Perverse author complains now and then,                     
He must choose between penis and pen.                       
For royalty checks                                          
He will forego sex,                                         
Be creative - nix women again.                              
                                                            
18621 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Esther Kock              



It need not be necessarily so;                              
He should learn what makes earned money grow.               
While safely investing,                                     
While write arm is resting,                                 
He'd achieve a sex-filled status quo.                       
                                                            
18622 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Esther Koch              



Young Marian don't seem to like                             
The thought of a poke from my pike.                         
So until "when" or "if",                                    
I'll just have to sniff,                                    
The saddle attached to her bike.                            
                                                            
18623 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Go ahead, if you wish, take a sniff --                      
It's okay to have you a jiff!                               
But there won't be no jokes                                 
If it's caught in the spokes,                               
So beware if your dangler gets stiff.                       
                                                            
18624 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Kaylin                   



This fetish, I'm glad you don't mock it,                    
And thanks for concern for my cock; it                      
Is true, once before,                                       
It got rather sore,                                         
When caught 'twixt the chain and the sprocket.              
                                                            
18625 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES    Kaylin                   



True story: I once met a cop;                               
A teacher he'd been; had to stop.                           
Those fifteen year old                                      
Gals came on too bold;                                      
He knew his restraint he'd soon drop.                       
                                                            
18626 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



These girls, in their quite early teens,                    
Walk round in their cut-off tight jeans.                    
You can see curly hair                                      
And midriffs quite bare,                                    
Enough to make any man cream.                               
                                                            
18627 CONGRESS - DENIED - ZSERIES                             



Says Paddy, "What are you folks about?                      
There's no need to brag or to shout;                        
I need just thirty secs                                     
To finish my sex,                                           
Including a pee after I'm out.                              
                                                            
18628 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



A phenomenal woman named May                                
Was always quite ready to play.                             
She'd start, hot and bright,                                
The previous night,                                         
And keep it up all the next day.                            
                                                            
18629 CONGRESS - DURATION            Isaac Asimov             



That lodger who was a curmudgeon                            
Spent the night trying to fondle and nudge 'em.             
When he cooed "I'm excited,"                                
She became quite requited,                                  
And it took her till dawn to dislodge 'im.                  
                                                            
18630 CONGRESS - DURATION            Arthur Deex         P0109



There once was a cute Eskimo.                               
I took her while the wind did blow.                         
I promised her muk-muk,                                     
If she would just fuck-fuck.                                
All through the long nite, asses did go.                    
                                                            
18631 CONGRESS - DURATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a guy named John                             
Who looked like your average ex-con.                        
Different girls every night                                 
Kept him out of sight,                                      
And John kept on screwing till dawn!                        
                                                            
18632 CONGRESS - DURATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



The girl is ready to come.                                  
Listen and you'll hear her hum.                             
It's nearly an hour;                                        
Thank God he's got power.                                   
Longer and Dick would be numb.                              
                                                            
18633 CONGRESS - DURATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Havana                           
Whose girl thought she was in Nirvana.                      
According to her                                            
He'd enter "ayer"                                           
And seldom withdrew till "manana".                          
                                                            
18634 CONGRESS - DURATION            Pedro J. Saavedra   P8203



Quoth the raven-haired girl, "No more.                      
My body is battered and sore.                               
It was all right,                                           
But it's taking all night,                                  
And frankly's becoming a bore."                             
                                                            
18635 CONGRESS - DURATION            Nell Dean                



If you like them with endurance,                            
I can only give my assurance                                
That at eighteen they're fine,                              
With a bottle of wine,                                      
And a condom to use as insurance.                           
                                                            
18636 CONGRESS - DURATION            Anna Gates               



A virile young fellow named Nate                            
Thinks sex is just really great.                            
He says it's a crime                                        
If you don't take the time,                                 
To do it for five hours straight.                           
                                                            
18637 CONGRESS - DURATION            Thomas Patton            



We all laughed when a fellow named Ollie                    
Once swore he would screw a young dolly.                    
"For twelve hours, I'll engage her,"                        
And he laid down his wager.                                 
We all laughed, but he did it, by golly.                    
                                                            
18638 CONGRESS - DURATION            1saac Asimov             



Ride me, young thing, I adore                               
Making women hump 'til their sore.                          
They go 'til their pleasure                                 
Has run it's full measure,                                  
And return the next day for some more!                      
                                                            
18639 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Though big balls are best and I've got 'em;                 
Two bonks from above and I've shot 'em.                     
So, prolonging my power                                     
For hour after hour,                                        
I boink buxom babes from the bottom.                        
                                                            
18640 CONGRESS - DURATION            John Miller              



A fellow who called himself Lee,                            
Had a longstanding tryst with MAarie;                       
For they started to screw                                   
At a quarter-to-two                                         
And they came at a quarter-past-three.                      
                                                            
18641 CONGRESS - DURATION            Cap'n Bean          P0106



Mrs. Brown was telling Miss Hays                            
Of her husband's amorous ways.                              
"My thighs spread for hours                                 
When he brings me flowers."                                 
Miss Hays exclaimed, "Heavens! No vase?"                    
                                                            
18642 CONGRESS - DURATION            Bob Giandomenico    P9003



Reminds me of one night with Flo;                           
For hours we went to and fro.                               
On nailing her ass,                                         
'Twas plumb out of gas,                                     
So promptly, I gave her some mo'.                           
                                                            
18643 CONGRESS - DURATION            SFA                      



If the Caliphs of arid Kuwait                               
Are enabled, like camels, to mate                           
For a week and a quarter                                    
On a liter of water --                                      
Just imagine how long on a date!                            
                                                            
18644 CONGRESS - DURATION            Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



They say I'm a sexual dunce                                 
'Cause I don't perform cunning stunts.                      
But is it a sin                                             
To just bang it in?                                         
Three minutes and I haven't come once!                      
                                                            
18645 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



"In less than two weeks, cometh June."                      
"Good heavens, she cometh so soon?"                         
"I hope so," said Jack                                      
As he plundered her crack,                                  
But I've only been going since noon!"                       
                                                            
18646 CONGRESS - DURATION            Peter Wilkins            



I now think our lustful affair,                             
Such pleasure is so hard to bear.                           
Our loins pressed together,                                 
(It feels like forever...)                                  
There's hardly a moment to spare.                           
                                                            
18647 CONGRESS - DURATION            Jayne                    



When I feel that I'm just on the brink,                     
I gasp and pull out of that pink                            
Lovely labial space,                                        
While regaining my pace,                                    
And hope that my pecker won't shrink.                       
                                                            
18648 CONGRESS - DURATION            Tutta Gioia              



It's a balancing act, is it not?                            
Between keeping your cool and her hot --                    
These girls with their four-                                
Teen orgaasms, how bor-                                     
Ing for guys who have only one shot.                        
                                                            
18649 CONGRESS - DURATION            Lucy                     



"My Lord," said the wench to her master,                    
"You'll explode if you hump any faster!"                    
So he then turned her over                                  
To imitate Rover,                                           
And thus became a much longer laster!                       
                                                            
18650 CONGRESS - DURATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



Her heart, I would love, that's a fact,                     
And her offer has much to attract!                          
I'd spend the whole day                                     
'Tween her legs and just play.                              
And once there, I may never come back.                      
                                                            
18651 CONGRESS - DURATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



A young woman who's from Louisville                         
Feared no man would have adequate skill.                    
Though many had laid her,                                   
There were none who'd out-stayed her,                       
Or endured until she'd had her fill.                        
                                                            
18652 CONGRESS - DURATION            Isaac Asimov             



The milkman remains hours with Miss Blum,                   
And the neighbors attitudes are glum.                       
For they know what occurs,                                  
And they're glad she gets hers --                           
But their milk's late 'cause he doesn't come.               
                                                            
18653 CONGRESS - DURATION            Grand Prix Lim  308      



There was a young waitress named Schirring                  
Who started a trembling and purring.                        
Said the chef, "Are you ready?"                             
She said, "Not yet, Freddie.                                
I believe I would like some more stirring."                 
                                                            
18654 CONGRESS - DURATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0323



At four ev'ry morning I rise                                
And open my sleepy, blue eyes;                              
The first thing I do                                        
(Repeatedly, too!)                                          
Is slide my 'rise' between her thighs!                      
                                                            
18655 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



I ain't figured women out yet,                              
They want all their passion-needs met,                      
With foreplay and licking,                                  
And hours of dicking,                                       
Then nag when the sheets are all wet!                       
                                                            
18656 CONGRESS - DURATION            Travis                   



'Neath this spread, with our bodys' own heat;               
Feeling safe in your arms, and complete;                    
While, yes, it does tickle,                                 
I'll never be fickle,                                       
When our minds and our bodies, do meet!                     
                                                            
18657 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Oh, my love, as I lay by your side,                         
These warm feelings can't be denied;                        
Yes, leave it right there,                                  
Right next to that hair;                                    
Mornings' dawn, inside, you'll abide!                       
                                                            
18658 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



I don't mind if the sheets are all wet,                     
From passionate fucking, you bet.                           
But if your waterbed,                                       
Springs a leak instead,                                     
You will wake up in a cold sweat!                           
                                                            
18659 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



I just woke up; we're lying here prone;                     
Oh, my sweet thing, just look at what's grown!              
See, the dawn's 'bout to break;                             
Oh, my love; you're awake!                                  
Climb on top, love; we'll rattle my bone!                   
                                                            
18660 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



I can think of worse things, instead                        
Of us spending a fortnight in bed.                          
May I take your mind off                                    
Your malaise and your cough,                                
'Neath your duvet, by giving you head?                      
                                                            
18661 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



"You lounge lizard!" murmured young Grace as                
I fondled her heavenly places.                              
"But lizards have tongues",                                 
I said, "and well hung,                                     
Which they slide up your warm moisty spaces."               
                                                            
18662 CONGRESS - DURATION            Peter Wilkins            



At that she just whimpered and lay                          
On her back for the rest of the day;                        
So I fingered and licked her                                
And frequently dicked her,                                  
While having my own wicked way.                             
                                                            
18663 CONGRESS - DURATION            Peter Wilkins            



I can take anything that you've got,                        
Whether unrolled or tied in a knot.                         
So plunder away,                                            
I'll be here all day,                                       
If you want to give me your best shot.                      
                                                            
18664 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



So spread 'em and open 'em wide;                            
Suck my metre-long cable inside.                            
'Twill be many an hour                                      
'Fore my ultimate shower,                                   
'Cause I'm just getting into my stride.                     
                                                            
18665 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



I'm lying here willing and able,                            
To take in your meter-long cable.                           
Legs open and ready,                                        
In my crotchless teddy,                                     
To see if it's fiction or fable.                            
                                                            
18666 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Nice and easy, we've got the whole day;                     
We will hum as we rock and we sway;                         
Baby, son of a gun!                                         
We will stretch out this fun;                               
'Long 'bout noon, we'll be both blown away!                 
                                                            
18667 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Watching you, as I lie here awake;                          
Looking down at what's wanting to bake,                     
'Tween the heat of my thighs,                               
With our moans and deep sighs;                              
Take me please, love, now for goodness' sake!               
                                                            
18668 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



To be blown 'way with this great love-fest;                 
In this warm bed, our own precious nest;                    
Yes, we'll make it last,                                    
And not make it fast,                                       
Oh my darling love, you are the best!                       
                                                            
18669 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



At night I will lie on your bed,                            
While you're gently stroking my head;                       
You'll teach me that trick:                                 
To roll over quick,                                         
And lap from your bowl to be fed.                           
                                                            
18670 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



I dreamily gaze out the porthole                            
And relish the subtle athwart roll.                         
The maid brings me sweets                                   
And rolls back the sheets,                                  
All tented up o'er their support pole.                      
                                                            
18671 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Tuck your head 'neath my chin, here in bed;                 
On our sides, we will nest 'neath this spread,              
And our own body heat                                       
Makes us feel soft and sweet;                               
Of our thoughts, nothing needs to be said!                  
                                                            
18672 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Though we're sleepy; from lovin' we're worn;                
There's still life in my old saddle-horn.                   
Though it tickles -- that hair,                             
Could I leave it right there,                               
To be ready to go in the morn?                              
                                                            
18673 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Well now, a woman won't moan                                
About dampness of sheets if your bone                       
Has her fainting with lust                                  
At your ultimate thrust,                                    
And her pussy and mind you have blown.                      
                                                            
18674 CONGRESS - DURATION            Peter Wilkins            



Exhausted by orgasms sweet,                                 
She'll not care of dampness of sheet.                       
If she does, your technique                                 
Is apparently weak;                                         
Unlike mine which leaves girlies replete.                   
                                                            
18675 CONGRESS - DURATION            Peter Wilkins            



Well now, I have tried your technique                       
On your girlies you sent me this week;                      
Now I'm really impressed,                                   
With your style -- it's the best!                           
These plastic dolls, though, never speak!                   
                                                            
18676 CONGRESS - DURATION            Peter Wilkins            



A farm girl ten miles south of Granger,                     
Was fucked all one night in the manger.                     
She claimed not to know                                     
Who diddled her so,                                         
But she says that it felt like a stranger.                  
                                                            
18677 CONGRESS - DURATION                                G0603



The word's out that little Miss Hintz,                      
At the mention of sex, now will wince.                      
A student from Corning                                      
Kept it in until morning,                                   
And Miss Hintz hasn't been the same since.                  
                                                            
18678 CONGRESS - DURATION            Grand Prix Lim  589 G0614



I've heard bees keep on buzzing for hours,                  
While love birds copulate in their bowers.                  
But sadly, my honey,                                        
I'm not built like a bunny,                                 
I'll just carry on plucking flowers.                        
                                                            
18679 CONGRESS - DURATION            Tutta Gioia              



Are you comfy, heart of my heart?                           
Anything you need 'fore I start?                            
Let me know because                                         
There won't be a pause,                                     
Until you start coming apart.                               
                                                            
18680 CONGRESS - DURATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



An Eskimo on his vacation,                                  
Took a night off to succumb to temptation.                  
'Ere the night was half through,                            
The Eskimo was, too,                                        
For their nights are of six months' duration.               
                                                            
18681 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



A plumber from Lowater Creek                                
Was called in by a dame with a leak.                        
She looked so becoming                                      
He fixed all her plumbing,                                  
And didn't emerge for a week.                               
                                                            
18682 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Said a man in the midst of exulting,                        
"I hope this is not too insulting,                          
But I'm sorry to say                                        
My hard-on's passe.                                         
I think this is simply revolting."                          
                                                            
18683 CONGRESS - DURATION            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A well-hung young fellow was Shaver;                        
He owed an old whore a small favor.                         
So she said to him, "Joe,                                   
Take it easy and slow --                                    
This is one fuck that I want to savor.                      
                                                            
18684 CONGRESS - DURATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0603



A musician who played the bassoon                           
Complained sex sprees ended too soon.                       
He got busy in Mary                                         
One cold January,                                           
But gave out the nineteenth of June.                        
                                                            
18685 CONGRESS - DURATION                                G0521



Lovely date, humptious and scrumptious,                     
And also sumptuously rumptious,                             
Would ascertain                                             
If her new swain                                            
Was power stayingly pumptious.                              
                                                            
18686 CONGRESS - DURATION            Elois                    



A weary bride--poor little fluff--                          
Said, "My pussy's all tender and rough.                     
I realize, Cyril,                                           
You're terribly virile,                                     
But seventeen times is ENOUGH!"                             
                                                            
18687 CONGRESS - DURATION            Grand Prix Lim  732 G0071



It was hot when I came in from mowing                       
And noticed my pecker was growing.                          
It took a fair session                                      
To soothe my obsession.                                     
When we came the last time it was snowing!                  
                                                            
18688 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



Whoever said fucking was fun?                               
When an hour after you've begun,                            
You break into a sweat,                                     
Which makes everything wet,                                 
And helps wear down most of your gun!                       
                                                            
18689 CONGRESS - DURATION            Matthew Hills            



With Tootsie, to bed I did climb;                           
We rolled in a manner sublime.                              
'Twas hours of great fun                                    
By the time we were done,                                   
Because Tootsie Rolls last a long time!                     
                                                            
18690 CONGRESS - DURATION            Cap'n Bean               



With his pecker stretched limp on the floor                 
And the bitch still imploring for more,                     
He said, "Ten hours screwing                                
Have been my undoing--                                      
I simply can't fuck anymore!"                               
                                                            
18691 CONGRESS - DURATION                                G0070



There was a young woman named Jo                            
Who said to her lover, "You know,                           
I suppose I'll allow                                        
You to stop pumping now.                                    
I was finished ten minutes ago."                            
                                                            
18692 CONGRESS - DURATION            Isaac Asimov             



Let's see now, six inches a stroke                          
For a mile, that should mean that a bloke                   
With average length,                                        
Must posses enough strength                                 
To rip 'til Van Winkle awoke.                               
                                                            
18693 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



There was this guy, called Long John;                       
He liked to fuck; had a long dong.                          
He made the gals yell,                                      
And it was like hell.                                       
But Long John, he just fucked too long.                     
                                                            
18694 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



When Tichenor dated Miss Kitchener,                         
She came to the door with no stitch on her.                 
They went out on the lawn                                   
Where he fucked her till dawn                               
'Fore he managed to stifle the itch in her.                 
                                                            
18695 CONGRESS - DURATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0718



A passing reporter was shook                                
But he took down some notes in his book.                    
They had used for coition                                   
Such a fancy position,                                      
That the neighborhood dogs stopped to look.                 
                                                            
18696 CONGRESS - DURATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0719



An elderly fellow named Sy,                                 
At sex, he was no longer spry;                              
For he started to screw                                     
Back on June twenty-two;                                    
Didn't come till the fourth of July.                        
                                                            
18697 CONGRESS - DURATION            Cap'n Bean          P0108



A cheerful young chap from Hong Kong                        
Had a truly fantastic oolong:                               
It would swell into place                                   
For a twelve-day embrace,                                   
And none would complain 'twas too long.                     
                                                            
18698 CONGRESS - DURATION                                G0615



Advice to the lovelorn from Kay:                            
"Try thrashing around in the hay;                           
In bed before nine                                          
And get up to dine,                                         
Next evening, the following day."                           
                                                            
18699 CONGRESS - DURATION            Armand E Singer       564



On the elevator, behind the closed door,                    
She quit when her pussy got sore.                           
But she changed her mind                                    
When they got all entwined,                                 
And she rode to the twenty-ninth floor.                     
                                                            
18700 CONGRESS - DURATION            Don Shaw           TP9802



With regard to a man named Calhoun,                         
Girls complained that he finished too soon.                 
He'd start the foreplay                                     
In the first half of May,                                   
Yet would never last far into June.                         
                                                            
18701 CONGRESS - DURATION            Isaac Asimov             



The sexual demands of Miss Payne,                           
Cause even strong men to complain.                          
Two chaps on a spree                                        
Started Wednesday at three,                                 
And were carried out Sunday--Insane!                        
                                                            
18702 CONGRESS - DURATION            Grand Prix Lim   81 G0715



A sexual athlete named Slade                                
Thought he had his sex future all made,                     
But a week in the notch                                     
In the crotch of Miss Gotch                                 
Left him far too far gone for first aid.                    
                                                            
18703 CONGRESS - DURATION            Grand Prix Lim  201      



If twixt dream and the real 'tis schism,                    
I suggest that you try hypnotism.                           
You can make love all day                                   
And not have to pay;                                        
Just keep up that yoyo rhythm.                              
                                                            
18704 CONGRESS - DURATION                                     



So just let him stick you up front,                         
'Cause there's nothing like fucking a cunt.                 
'Course you'll scream like a gekko;                         
Your pussy will echo.                                       
But you're fucking a STUD, not a runt.                      
                                                            
18705 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



"Have you met the bedworthy Miss Frings,                    
Who knows all those sexual things?                          
Her double vibrato                                          
And plucked pizzicato,                                      
And that candy ass -- Jello on springs!"                    
                                                            
18706 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0594



"Yes, I knew that great sex job, Miss Frings,               
Who loved joys that cohabiting brings,                      
(In a score of odd ways)                                    
But she died in a daze                                      
On a bed fixed with overdrive springs."                     
                                                            
18707 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0595



There was a fair woman named Kate,                          
Who would prove such an excellent date,                     
That each fellow would note,                                
(An unaminous vote)                                         
That she wasn't just fair--she was great!                   
                                                            
18708 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



A bellhop I met in D.C.                                     
Got all of his sex services free.                           
He patrolled corridors                                      
Simply tapping on doors,                                    
And calling, "Hell, honey, it's me!"                        
                                                            
18709 CONGRESS - EXPERT              John Ciardi              



A young coed freshman named Fretter                         
In fucking could not earn a letter,                         
But when she was a soph,                                    
She worked under a prof                                     
And got better and better and better.                       
                                                            
18710 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0155



Concerning the bees and the flowers,                        
In the fields and the gardens and bowers,                   
You will note at a glance                                   
That their ways of romance,                                 
Haven't any resemblance to ours.                            
                                                            
18711 CONGRESS - EXPERT                            P0201 G2336



There was a young fellow named Brophey                      
Who won a big blue ribbon trophy,                           
For carousing and dancing,                                  
Repulsive romancing,                                        
And staying on top of old Sophie.                           
                                                            
18712 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0657



A young lady mechanic named Moore,                          
Who, while not precisely a whore,                           
Couldn't pass up the chance,                                
To take down her pants,                                     
And compare some man's stroke to her bore.                  
                                                            
18713 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  L1040



I think that your penis obsession,                          
Is the result of some kind of opression,                    
You write sexual terms,                                     
And speak of your sperms,                                   
Is a sexpert your chosen profession???                      
                                                            
18714 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Jim Weaver Collection    



A miscegenator named Roose,                                 
Spent a week in Rangoon on the loose.                       
After trying all races                                      
On an impartial basis,                                      
His favorite hue remains puce.                              
(Puce - a dark yellowish red - means flea-colored)          
18715 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



A miscegenator named Rhees                                  
Spent a week in Rangoon at his ease.                        
After trying all races                                      
On an impartial basis,                                      
His favorite was the one that had fleas.                    
                                                            
18716 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Arthur Deex         P9708



A miscegenator named Stan                                   
Spent a week on the Isle of Man.                            
After trying all races                                      
On an impartial basis,                                      
He favorite hue's now cyan.                                 
                                                            
18717 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Arthur Deex         P9708



Are you looking for wenching and rumming?                   
In India, you'll find everything humming.                   
With a Hindu gal, sex                                       
Is so gaily complex,                                        
You won't know if you're going or coming.                   
                                                            
18718 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0659



A well-behaved woman named Pam,                             
Once got in a terrible jam.                                 
When a fellow said, "Who                                    
Is the nation's best screw?"                                
She thoughtlessly answered, "I am."                         
                                                            
18719 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



A young lass from the distant Laurentians,                  
Once made love in a bed of fringed gentians,                
Where the deeds that she did                                
Were so much better hid.                                    
They're perversions, you see, no one mentions.              
                                                            
18720 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



She needed some whiskey to numb her,                        
And rapid-fire tongueing to come her.                       
"My spunk-drain will break!"                                
She cried at my snake,                                      
As deep in her depths I did plumber.                        
                                                            
18721 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



Said Joe, "When I leave my young Stephanie,                 
Her cries of unhappiness deafen me.                         
But I make no apology,                                      
I rely on technology,                                       
And screw her by wireless telephony."                       
                                                            
18722 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



I'm guessing this friend of your friend                     
Is young, but that's Time's task to mend.                   
Good sex isn't purty,                                       
But if it's not dirty,                                      
You're doing it to no good end.                             
                                                            
18723 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



There's a certain young woman named Barb,                   
Who at casual sex is a darb.                                
But put her to the test,                                    
And you'll find she's her best,                             
When completely divested of garb.                           
(darb - something superlative)                              
18724 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



A waitress on day-shift at Schraffts,                       
Has a couple of interesting crafts.                         
She's exceedingly able                                      
At upsetting the table,                                     
And screwing in dumb-waiter shafts.                         
                                                            
18725 CONGRESS - EXPERT              H. Bate                  



Hypnotic, exotic, erotic,                                   
Sex promises visions narcotic:                              
Its addicts distracted,                                     
Their deeds are enacted                                     
In ways that are often chaotic.                             
(homoioteleuton)                                            
18726 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Norm Storer         P9603



There was a young lady named Brook                          
Who never could learn how to cook.                          
But on a divan                                              
She could please any man --                                 
She knew every damn trick in the book!                      
                                                            
18727 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0024



I hear that the youngsters go bust;                         
Concerned, as they are, with their lust.                    
They do fail to heed                                        
The older gal's need.                                       
appendve your G-spot a fine thrust.                         
                                                            
18728 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Jim Weaver Collection    



She screamed with great joy as young Lynch                  
Provided the meat in the clinch.                            
She cried, "God, but you're great!"                         
But he said to her, "Kate, ,                                
You have only received the first inch."                     
                                                            
18729 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0249



An exchange U.S. student in France,                         
Let Frenchmen into her pants.                               
"At home," she once said,                                   
"We do it in bed,                                           
But here it's a matter of chance."                          
                                                            
18730 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Clifford Christ     P9404



There was a grass widow out west,                           
Whose manner of fucking was best.                           
She could raise up and hone                                 
A skeleton's bone--                                         
And had done it one time, in a test.                        
                                                            
18731 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Grand Prix Lim  537 G0813



I'm told I'm a fucking good fuck,                           
And give such a fucking good suck,                          
That fucking wet cunts                                      
Have fucking great hunts                                    
For me, and I'm fucking in luck!                            
                                                            
18732 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Archie                   



But for my dear 'Lene I shall spend,                        
And spend and spend over again.                             
You'll feel satisfaction                                    
To see me in traction,                                      
From feats that I overextend.                               
                                                            
18733 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Most foreign affairs are a breeze;                          
Two adults consenting with ease.                            
The one most enthralling                                    
I tremble recalling,                                        
The Girl on the Flying Trapeze.                             
                                                            
18734 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Irving Superior     P9407



There was a young man, Jason Vickery,                       
Whose image was all city-slickery.                          
He impressed all the men                                    
With his skill with the pen,                                
And the girls with his fabulous dickery.                    
                                                            
18735 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Jim Weaver Collection    



There's an avid young woman in Gunnison,                    
Who's always around when the fun is on.                     
And all she demands                                         
Is a hold for her hands,                                    
And a firm seat to settle her cunnus on.                    
                                                            
18736 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0606



In youth I was smitten by Alice                             
Ambidextrously deft with a phallus;                         
First right hand, then left,                                
Soft lips, tongue, then cleft,                              
Variations preventing a callous.                            
                                                            
18737 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



There was a young lady of Stockholm                         
Who went through the park for a walk home.                  
And she's still talking yet                                 
Of a man that she met,                                      
Who knew how to drive the old cock home.                    
                                                            
18738 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G2522



A truck driver up in Duluth                                 
Had a permanent hard-on from youth;                         
He'd truck 'cross the nation                                
Commit fornication,                                         
Call in, and advise Dr. Ruth.                               
                                                            
18739 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Ann Gasser          P8709



This girl was really first class,                           
And so were her teats and her ass.                          
Her hand jobs were fine;                                    
Her blow jobs divine;                                       
Which she gave with a bit of pizzazz.                       
                                                            
18740 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Stan                     



This man with his trousers on fire,                         
In the desperate throes of desire,                          
Was burning with lust                                       
Cried out 'Heaven or Bust!',                                
And got both from his clever supplier.                      
                                                            
18741 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Lucy                     



I once was a young lad with passion,                        
For tongues and clitoral mashin',                           
But then she showed me,                                     
It's like 1-2-3,                                            
To get those hipbones crashin'.                             
                                                            
18742 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



Charlotte, a lass from Miami,                               
Was known for her sex double-whammy.                        
She gave her date head,                                     
Next, ball him in bed,                                      
Then send him home to his mammy!                            
                                                            
18743 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Stan                     



The ultimate cure for my blues,                             
Is a girl whose not goody-two-shoes.                        
We fuck and give head,                                      
On the floor and in bed.                                    
There's a hundred positions we use.                         
(nogoody2shoes is a pen name for a limerick author)         
18744 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



You've reached the phone number you've dialed;              
I heard the phone ring and I smiled.                        
I don't want to gloat,                                      
So please leave a note.                                     
I get back when this beauty's defiled.                      
                                                            
18745 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Frank Fazed              



A fellow we knew in Amherst                                 
Once said he wasn't adverse                                 
To sexual kinks                                             
With indecent finks.                                        
They call him "The Imp of Perverse."                        
                                                            
18746 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young girl from Trallee,                        
Whose knowledge of French was, "Oui, Oui!"                  
Still gloriously praised,                                   
Nightly glasses are raised,                                 
To honor her memory in Paree.                               
                                                            
18747 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



The exploits of sexy Miss Lecks,                            
On men, have such wearing effects,                          
That a night of embraces                                    
Turns sexual aces                                           
Into limber-kneed, quivering wrecks!                        
                                                            
18748 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0642



After the ultimate screw,                                   
What sex thing is there left to do?                         
We all love our fucking                                     
And touching and sucking--                                  
But can't someone invent something new?                     
                                                            
18749 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Writerman                



If in lust you would like to go far,                        
Don't lie in the back of the car;                           
Try somewhere unusual,                                      
(First get his approval)                                    
For excitement that's way above par.                        
                                                            
18750 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Jayne                    



I've read Kama Sutra completely.                            
How they do all that stuff sure does beat me!               
With "lingam" and "yoni",                                   
And youths big and brawny,                                  
For contortionists surely they must be.                     
                                                            
18751 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Jayne                    



A rapturous young fellatrix,                                
One day was at work on five pricks.                         
With an unholy cry,                                         
She whipped out her glass eye.                              
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."                      
                                                            
18752 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  L0292



There was a young fellow named Gundar,                      
Well known as the great virile wonder.                      
While enjoying his girl,                                    
He could make her hair curl,                                
And she swore there was lightning and thunder.              
                                                            
18753 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin            



I had got me a good piece of uterus;                        
I'd never had cooter so cooterous.                          
Our sexual peaks                                            
Left me limp for two weeks,                                 
Before I again became rooterous.                            
                                                            
18754 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



This fellow named Stan had a style                          
Of making gals beg for a while.                             
"Please touch me right here.                                
I won't break.  Have no fear,"                              
They'd plead for more with a smile.                         
                                                            
18755 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Charlotte                



Said a practical female, Tombigger:                         
"Reserve your cunts, girls, for a nigger.                   
His trigger is bigger;                                      
More rigor, more vigor,                                     
And he's sure a deep digger as frigger!"                    
                                                            
18756 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0469



"Near my girl," said a lecher named Cecil,                  
"Is the place where I usually nestle.                       
Nothing else is a patch                                     
On the way that we match.                                   
She's the mortar and I am the pestle."                      
                                                            
18757 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



A virile young shepherd named Rex,                          
Was considered a master at sex                              
By a Queen he was dating,                                   
Her Ladies-in-Waiting,                                      
And his sheep who were all nervous wrecks.                  
                                                            
18758 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



A lover who hailed from Kalgurly                            
Was neither handsome nor burly.                             
But he had a good knack                                     
When he got in the sack,                                    
To stop himself coming too early.                           
                                                            
18759 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Graham                   



Just gimme a gal that's well built;                         
A chest that is stacked to the hilt,                        
And I promise you this:                                     
That the last thing that Miss                               
Would ever be feeling, is guilt.                            
                                                            
18760 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



There was a young lady from Ames                            
Who liked to play popular games.                            
And the ones she like best                                  
And would often suggest                                     
Were those without patented names.                          
                                                            
18761 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  P8306



There was a young lady named Wacker                         
Who claimed that no man could attack her.                   
'Twas no trouble at all                                     
To avoid Pete and Paul,                                     
But Graham was able to crack her.                           
                                                            
18762 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0373



I wish I could understand too,                              
How a suck can outshine a great screw.                      
When in heat I want meat --                                 
On a bed, pew, or seat.                                     
Don't just diddle me till you are through.                  
                                                            
18763 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



Our children's au pair wore black lace                      
Panties only and grins on her face.                         
Though a bit of a satyr,                                    
Never once did I sate her.                                  
In truth, I couldn't even keep pace.                        
                                                            
18764 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



There was a young lady named Rienzi,                        
Despoiled by a man in a frenzy.                             
She said he was superb,                                     
Not as good as a Serb,                                      
And just as good as a MacKenzie.                            
                                                            
18765 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin            



There once was a master mechanic                            
Whose skill with the girls was satanic.                     
The tool that he used                                       
Never left the girls bruised,                               
And his oil-and-grease job was a panic.                     
                                                            
18766 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0696



The cat in the rocket was curled                            
And out into space it was hurled.                           
It's owner, Miss May,                                       
In truth could now say                                      
That her pussy was out of this world.                       
                                                            
18767 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8212



A marvelous memory had Sloan;                               
This trait his dear wife did bemoan.                        
For he knew every cranny                                    
Which she had in her fanny,                                 
And could screw her right over the phone.                   
                                                            
18768 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0335



Sex to me is a skill,                                       
Giving great pleasure than just a quick thrill.             
But to accomplish this deed,                                
There are two thing you need:                               
Like a partner and some time to kill.                       
                                                            
18769 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Charles K. Brown         



There's a luscious young damsel, Celeste,                   
Who everyone claims is the best.                            
But such secondhand views                                   
Only serve to confuse.                                      
I prefer a more personal test.                              
                                                            
18770 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



I've received a number of highs,                            
From my amazing ability to prise                            
Open and thrill,                                            
Delight and fill,                                           
Jennifers wonderously receptive thighs.                     
                                                            
18771 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



A young wheeler-dealer named Timothy,                       
Said, "Why, all that I need is proximity.                   
Just show me my prey,                                       
Then give me one day;                                       
They'll be screwed with complete equanimity.                
                                                            
18772 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



Said a passionate man from Australia,                       
"My darling, please let me unveil ya.                       
And then, on my own                                         
If you'll kindly lie prone,                                 
I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impale ya."                     
                                                            
18773 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



Though the girl had a number of zits,                       
I overlooked 'em because of her tits.                       
But her beauty was outer,                                   
And she made me a doubter,                                  
When my cock up inside 'er had fits.                        
                                                            
18774 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Anon                     



A brothel inspector named Giles                             
Took data from whores for his files.                        
He counted each stroke                                      
And the depth of the poke,                                  
And recorded the number of miles.                           
                                                            
18775 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-2083



There once was a lady named Billie,                         
Who wandered through life willy-nilly                       
In aimless affairs                                          
With chance millionaires,                                   
Whose trinkets made marriage look silly.                    
                                                            
18776 CONGRESS - EXPERT              John Ciardi              



An expert mechanic named Nims,                              
Kept a full range of foam-rubber shims,                     
For adjusting the set                                       
Of young ladies he'd get,                                   
To indulge his meticulous whims.                            
                                                            
18777 CONGRESS - EXPERT              John Ciardi              



Which partner's are best?  Sixty-niners.                    
And better than that?  Try the Shriners.                    
These are the results                                       
Of consenting adults.                                       
(And occasional like-minded minors.)                        
                                                            
18778 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



An insomniac young fellow named Hatches,                    
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez.                     
He still tossed and turned,                                 
Half the night, but he learned                              
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.                      
                                                            
18779 CONGRESS - EXPERT              John Ciardi              



A gun-shy recruit from Visalia,                             
Was an absolute infantry failure.                           
But he wasn't so dumb,                                      
When it came to a come,                                     
And he knew how to use genitalia.                           
                                                            
18780 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  L1640



There was a young woman named Betty,                        
Who thought waterbeds rather petty.                         
The results were less hasty,                                
She thought, and more tasty,                                
If one screwed on a bed of spaghetti.                       
                                                            
18781 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lover named Marius,                       
Whose approaches to sex were quite various.                 
He kept in his files,                                       
All possible styles,                                        
That came under the head of nefarious.                      
                                                            
18782 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



From my parents, it seems I inherit,                        
The sexual urge of a ferret.                                
With each carnal session,                                   
Artistic expression                                         
Is exceeded by technical merit.                             
                                                            
18783 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



When they gave me a scroll as "The Best,"                   
They just wrote those two words, but the rest               
You can call out en masse,                                  
(Unless you're a lass                                       
Who'd like putting the thing to the test.)                  
                                                            
18784 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



Tim had traveled to Peru                                    
In search of the ultimate screw.                            
When his trip was complete,                                 
He zipped up his meat                                       
And said to the ladies, "Thank you!"                        
                                                            
18785 CONGRESS - EXPERT              S A Schlong              



There was a young maid from Cathay,                         
Who, when asked if she knew how to lay,                     
Said, "You're damned right I can,                           
With my quiff or my can,                                    
Or my mouth.  It's a three-way parlay."                     
                                                            
18786 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0546



A girl on the flying trapeze                                
Made love in midair with great ease.                        
This aerial mating                                          
Gave the show an X-rating                                   
And commanded the highest of fees.                          
                                                            
18787 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Macsam                   



There was a young lady named Wright,                        
Who claimed she gave Turkish delight.                       
Her cunt was the juiciest,                                  
Hottest and gooseyest--                                     
One man who survived said, "Quite right."                   
                                                            
18788 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0818



The sex act's a curious thing;                              
It's a bang, tryste, boff, or a fling.                      
A ball, screw, or schtup,                                   
Are all ways to say fuck,                                   
Her joy-box with your ding-a-ling.                          
                                                            
18789 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Jonathon                 



Difference with us, male and female,                        
Is that their skin a bit more pale.                         
And when we do fuck,                                        
Or each others we suck,                                     
Their voices are on a higher scale.                         
                                                            
18790 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



An agile old painter named Hartley                          
Seduced a young lady named Bartley.                         
Though he fucked with restraint                             
And continued to paint,                                     
Yet he managed to fuck her right smartly.                   
                                                            
18791 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0710



There was a young girl of Moline,                           
Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.                        
She would work on a prick                                   
With every known trick,                                     
And finish by winking it clean.                             
                                                            
18792 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  L1487



A young dancer who worked in burlesque,                     
Used to fuck in a manner mauresque.                         
With her lover, she'd jibe                                  
So her ass would describe                                   
A shockingly cute arabesque.                                
(mauresque - art in the moorish style)                      
18793 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                  G0540



A prominent banker of Galt                                  
Attacked an old maid in his vault.                          
She was battered and frayed                                 
But no charges were laid,                                   
For his fucking was done without fault.                     
                                                            
18794 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0163



Mused a certain young woman named Joan,                     
"I suppose that I'm never alone,                            
Since I'm such a good lay                                   
And I never ask pay,                                        
And that somehow the fact's become known."                  
                                                            
18795 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Isaac Asimov             



A museum assistant at Tring,                                
Gave each bird an identity ring:                            
One bird could not fly,                                     
But she knew how to lie,                                    
And how to play yang to his ying.                           
                                                            
18796 CONGRESS - EXPERT              Harold C Bibby           



In Jaipur a frail call girl named Joanie,                   
Though deemed by her peers as too bony,                     
Gained sucess, nonetheless,                                 
With the skill and finesse,                                 
She maintained in the use of her yoni.                      
                                                            
18797 CONGRESS - EXPERT                                       



The home of a lady named Grace                              
Did prompt a libidinous race.                               
Just the experts could see                                  
Who the winners would be --                                 
There was fucking all over the place!                       
                                                            
18798 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2091



A much-worried mother once said,                            
"Daughter dear, you've been fucking with Fred,              
All over the walls,                                         
The kitchen and halls--                                     
For God's sake, please go up to bed.                        
                                                            
18799 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 G2492



I'm sorry to cause disappointment,                          
But I really don't have double-jointment.                   
So I've twisted my back                                     
Taking aim at your crack;                                   
Please phone for a doctor's appointment.                    
                                                            
18800 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



A fast-frigging fellow named Fess                           
Kept his prick in a hell of a mess.                         
He could hit any hole,                                      
From an ass to a bowl,                                      
And his balls went from little to less.                     
                                                            
18801 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 G2120



An Australian, whose voice was like thunder,                
Was screwing a woman down under;                            
He came with a roar,                                        
And it blew off the door,                                   
And the walls of their room flew asunder.                   
                                                            
18802 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Cap'n Bean          P0101



On a mattress with superspeed springs,                      
Nan found that by using the things,                         
With her lover astride,                                     
It was like a high ride,                                    
While the guy felt as though he had wings.                  
                                                            
18803 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Grand Prix Lim  291 G0770



At Fred's flat, a bouncy young whore,                       
Started bouncing about on the floor.                        
"That does it!", said Fred.                                 
"Now you've busted the bed!"                                
And dismounted.  And showed her the door.                   
                                                            
18804 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             John Ciardi              



His nude model moaned to Botticelli,                        
As he bounded with glee on her belly:                       
"Though you're driving me wild,                             
Please recall I'm with child,                               
And you're beating the brat to a jelly!"                    
                                                            
18805 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Grand Prix Lim  334 G1641



It is rumored in Seneca Falls                               
That when liebslustig Englebert calls,                      
His and Hildegarde's loving                                 
Proves to be quite a shoving...                             
For those German kids just climb the walls!                 
                                                            
18806 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Grand Prix Lim  989      



You girls keep the menfolks real busy;                      
Suck, fuck, and be eaten till dizzy.                        
And when I return,                                          
(If I don't crash and burn)                                 
I expect you'll be covered with jizzy.                      
                                                            
18807 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Spuddie                  



I'm not one for feminine simper,                            
But I love to hear a man whimper.                           
When you've got that itch,                                  
You'll find I'm a bitch,                                    
Who growls low when you cramp up my crimper.                
                                                            
18808 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Jeanie                   



There is a young lass of Valencia,                          
For whom sex is a form of dementia.                         
For the first hour she's quiet,                             
Then she builds to a riot,                                  
With a noise that grows quickly intensia.                   
                                                            
18809 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Isaac Asimov             



The French maid for whom I have lusted;                     
Long-legged, short-skirted, big busted;                     
Has jumped on my broom                                      
And we bounced 'round the room,                             
So now I am all done and dusted.                            
                                                            
18810 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Tiddy Ogg                



A cute little coed undergrad,                               
Thought sex was so horrible and bad.                        
But seeing her first cock                                   
As hard as a rock,                                          
Jumped on it and drove herself mad!                         
                                                            
18811 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Laurence Craft           



As my eyes roll clear back in my head,                      
As these orgasmic waves break in bed,                       
And drown us in lust                                        
As I thrust and I thrust,                                   
And I fuck you till we're both half dead.                   
                                                            
18812 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



It's Friday, my brain is fried;                             
Can't get work done; believe me, I've tried.                
I want to relax,                                            
Maybe get some good sex                                     
"I'll take bad sex", my dick just replied.                  
                                                            
18813 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



The young satisfying their needs                            
With sowing their wild oats and seeds;                      
Uncaring while mingling                                     
With groins hotly tingling,                                 
That familiarity breeds.                                    
                                                            
18814 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Bob Giandomenico    P9004



Young nymphomaniacal May                                    
Was the quickest at hitting the hay.                        
She won general renown                                      
And was cheered in the town                                 
As the fastest drawers in Santa Fe.                         
                                                            
18815 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Stick people will understand why,                           
There are times when it best not to try.                    
If she isn't wet                                            
With the friction you get,                                  
There's a fire risk to screw when she's dry.                
                                                            
18816 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Bob Birch           P0206



Since the front of my pants has grown moister,              
I'll be fishing for succulent oyster,                       
That I'll dredge and I'll shuck                             
'Til your bush'll, with luck,                               
Be filled from the force of my foister.                     
                                                            
18817 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



A big-busted biddy of Beeman                                
Likes all about sex except semen.                           
She know girls produce                                      
From that harmless white juice,                             
But she still goes for sex like a demon.                    
                                                            
18818 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 G1637



Red Neckman, a cobbler in Runyon,                           
Made shoes to ease Miss Clara's bunion;                     
Miss Clara was wealthy,                                     
And portly, but healthy:                                    
Her big ass was shaped like an onion.                       
                                                            
18819 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Travis Brasell           



Red measured Miss Clara's foot size,                        
And snuck a quick glance up her thighs;                     
She gave a slight giggle,                                   
Which made her ass wiggle.                                  
Her 'onion' brought tears to Red's eyes!                    
                                                            
18820 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Miss Clara waxed bold with her toes,                        
By rubbing the bulge of Red's 'hose';                       
But then in a flash                                         
She untied her sash,                                        
And touched her toes to her own nose!                       
                                                            
18821 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Miss Clara's most flexible sight                            
Made Neckman aghast with delight;                           
Miss Clara then said,                                       
"Well, go ahead Red,                                        
My 'onion' is sweet, take a bite!"                          
                                                            
18822 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Red moved with great swiftness and hustle,                  
Removing Miss Clara's large bustle,                         
And laced woolen frock,                                     
As well as his smock:                                       
What happened next was a hot tussle!                        
                                                            
18823 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Red's cobbler's shop was a small place,                     
Restricting their mobile embrace;                           
Miss Clara and Red                                          
Then right quickly fled                                     
The town, to a wide open space.                             
                                                            
18824 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



For 69 days they went 'round                                
And 'round, as Red pounded her mound;                       
'Cross hundreds of miles,                                   
Miss Clara wore smiles,                                     
As she and Red churned up hard ground.                      
                                                            
18825 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Oh, yes, they made love again later;                        
No sex between two has been greater;                        
When they were through screwing                             
They both stood there viewing                               
The hole that they'd dug -- a huge crater!                  
                                                            
18826 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Miss Clara's and Red Neckman's land,                        
Today is in heavy demand;                                   
The hole of that pair                                       
Gets everyone's stare;                                      
They all say their canyon is "Grand!"                       
                                                            
18827 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Miss Clara's new shoes healed her bunion,                   
And Red retired -- richest in Runyon!                       
Now both are departed,                                      
But look what they started                                  
When Red bit Miss Clara's sweet 'onion'!                    
                                                            
18828 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



I'm not like the women that are English                     
I don't  lay there, much like a dead fish                   
I wiggle and rock                                           
When I feel a hard cock                                     
And will happily grant every wish!                          
                                                            
18829 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



This music, I think's quite elating,                        
Especially when one's copulating.                           
Makes me thrust my hips,                                    
And then lick my lips,                                      
As I come amid furious gyrating.                            
                                                            
18830 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Jayne                    



A man worked himself in a tizzy,                            
For a woman whose hair was quite frizzy.                    
"Your curls do please,"                                     
He said with a tease,                                       
"They'll straighten out once we get busy."                  
                                                            
18831 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



"Enough of your huffin' and puffin';                        
I'm tired of your half-hearted stuffin'."                   
Said Nora to George,                                        
"Now pretend I'm a forge,                                   
And go hammer and tongs at my muffin."                      
                                                            
18832 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



You now have torn up my back                                
While playing around in the sack.                           
So now I will bore                                          
Until you are sore;                                         
Tonight I will wear out your crack!                         
                                                            
18833 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Archie                   



A mistress I know isn't tight,                              
But screws him all day and all night.                       
She promised her man                                        
To stick with the plan                                      
Till his pecker would cream with delight!                   
                                                            
18834 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Ann Couvillion      P8312



"Hot peppers," said Jan, "I employ                          
Before having sex with a boy.                               
I think it's amazing,                                       
How well, peckers blazing,                                  
They wriggle and dance in my toy."                          
                                                            
18835 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             John Miller              



A newlywed couple named Mattick                             
Heard trampolines are quite ecstatic.                       
They yelled, "What a feeling!"                              
Then crashed through the ceiling,                           
Where he polished her off in the attic.                     
                                                            
18836 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             VOL 7                    



On a mound overlooking the Sound,                           
An uptight young couple one found                           
That if they combined                                       
Their attempts to unwind,                                   
They could screw themselves into the ground.                
                                                            
18837 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Pierce Evans             



It was a contest, that was no lie;                          
Who would come first, her boyfriend or Vi?                  
He thrusted and pushed;                                     
She became really bushed;                                   
And of course, no one won, 'twas a tie.                     
                                                            
18838 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Actaeon                  



An offer I cannot resist;                                   
Hold my stiffie (like that) in your fist.                   
I'm a gentleman, dear,                                      
So I'll lick you right here,                                
And I'll make you come first, I insist.                     
                                                            
18839 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Then while you're still squirming and bucking,              
I'll stop all my licking and sucking,                       
And give you a ride                                         
With my stiffie inside                                      
You and finish the deed with a fucking.                     
                                                            
18840 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



Tried inventive ways, no avail,                             
When I let Rose enjoy my big snail.                         
Even the time that we boffed                                
In the chair in the loft,                                   
We left through the whole house a trail.                    
                                                            
18841 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



There was a young fellow named Weft,                        
Whose movements were rapid and deft.                        
While his girl ate her dinner,                              
He got his prick in her--                                   
She was still in the throes when he left.                   
                                                            
18842 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Albin Chaplin 3024  G0812



A horny old plumber named Stout                             
Engaged an old maid with a shout.                           
His apprentice named Prentiss                               
Fucked her non compos mentis,                               
And left tools of his trade strewn about.                   
                                                            
18843 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0765



Have you heard of the lady named Cox,                       
Who had a capacious old box?                                
When her love was in place,                                 
She said, "Please turn your face.                           
And look out! 'Cause I screw like a fox!"                   
                                                            
18844 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 L0283



I once was engaged to a girl;                               
The most active puss in tha world.                          
Her sex way was a habit;                                    
She screws like a rabbit;                                   
My kids are all covered in fur.                             
                                                            
18845 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



There was a young girl from Toronto;                        
A son of a bitch to get on to.                              
But once you got there,                                     
She hugged like a bear,                                     
And fucked like a Mexican Bronco.                           
                                                            
18846 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Kevin's Limerick Page    



Foreplay and sex help create                                
A workout that really is great --                           
It's better than aerobics                                   
For you exercise-phobics,                                   
To reduce stress, and help you lose weight!                 
                                                            
18847 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



There was a fat girl named Corelli,                         
Whose teats hung down to her belly.                         
She enjoyed copulation,                                     
With such animation,                                        
That she mashed all her partners to jelly.                  
                                                            
18848 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 G0707



A nervous six-footer named Bridget,                         
Would wiggle and giggle and fidget,                         
But she knew perfect peace,                                 
And psychic release,                                        
When she found true romance with a midget.                  
(nose to nose, his toes was in it, and vice versa)          
18849 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



And here we have Jonquil from Hythe;                        
She's supple and lissom and lithe.                          
Take care if you boff                                       
That she don't break it off,                                
As agile, she'll wriggle and writhe.                        
                                                            
18850 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



My God! That Vesuvian night!                                
The smoldering fuse, then white light...                    
Penetration auspicious                                      
Detonation delicious...                                     
The launch to that mind-blowing height!                     
                                                            
18851 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Tutta Gioia              



There once was a man from Van Isle,                         
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.                     
"I get workouts," he said,                                  
"At home, in my bed,                                        
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile."                        
                                                            
18852 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Anon                     



"I want it, like instantly, Sam.                            
No touching; no tweaking; just WHAM!                        
No licking; no sucking;                                     
Just ANIMAL fucking...                                      
I'm malaxophobic, I am.                                     
                                                            
18853 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Peter Wilkins            



They're all part of one great big clan,                     
When it comes to their sexual plan.                         
Intimacy's out.                                             
Phobia?  I doubt.                                           
I'd just call it "Typical Man."                             
                                                            
18854 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Ericka                   



Big girls are never too cold,                               
And aboard, you have something to hold                      
So that you don't falloff,                                  
In the midst of a boff,                                     
As around you her flesh does enfold.                        
                                                            
18855 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



There once was a man from Virginia,                         
Who committed sin after sin, yeah!                          
You could put up a fight,                                   
From morning till night;                                    
'Twouldn't stop him from putting it in ya'.                 
                                                            
18856 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Anon                     



I know how you love a good mumble;                          
It beats a short clumsier fumble.                           
I remember that night                                       
When you screeched with delight;                            
As off your big bed we did tumble!                          
                                                            
18857 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Archie                   



A boisterous cocksman named Rind                            
Stuffed a firecracker up his behind,                        
And screwed sweet Miss Pearl--                              
A decent young girl--                                       
Out of what she had used for her mind!                      
                                                            
18858 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 G0729



I once knew a man quite Teutonic,                           
Whose speed was just supersonic.                            
When he fired his rocket,                                   
It roared out of his pocket,                                
And our love is no longer platonic.                         
                                                            
18859 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



This morning I bucked myself silly,                         
While trying to break a new filly                           
From raring when mounted,                                   
But I should not have counted                               
On her wearing panties so frilly!                           
                                                            
18860 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



The sexual games we'd enjoy                                 
At 18 when we were a boy,                                   
Their bio clock                                             
Starts going tick-tock,                                     
And they want to play with our toy.                         
                                                            
18861 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



I once had a rodeo queen,                                   
Who snarled, spat and cussed so obscene,                    
My brain she would addle.                                   
While she's in the saddle;                                  
Her dismounts would rupture my spleen.                      
                                                            
18862 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Frank                    



You're riding no mare and I trust                           
You know you're inflaming my lust.                          
I'm a bucking stallion,                                     
My horny rapscallion;                                       
Prepare for a rodeo thrust.                                 
                                                            
18863 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



"To warble and sing is not bad,"                            
Said Rueben, the neighbor's bold lad,                       
"But a romp in the hay                                      
Is a much better way                                        
To celebrate Spring and be glad!"                           
                                                            
18864 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Wootner                  



There was a young lady of Annick,                           
Whom a stranger threw into a panic.                         
For he frigged her and fucked her,                          
And buggered and sucked her,                                
With a glee hardly short of Satanic.                        
                                                            
18865 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 L1129



The things that I mostly detest                             
When drilling a chick with one breast,                      
Is that lopsided feeling                                    
And her God-awful squealing                                 
In response to the acts I suggest.                          
                                                            
18866 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Mark Levy           P9612



When fucking, a lady of Woking                              
Reacted so fast to the poking                               
That her gyratory motion                                    
Cause heat and commotion,                                   
And her arsehole and cunt started smoking.                  
                                                            
18867 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Albin Chaplin 3024  G2560



His girlfriend wanted to jump in,                           
When she saw how he was a-pumpin'.                          
But before they were through,                               
She was all black-and-blue.                                 
He was just too rough in his humpin'!                       
                                                            
18868 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Kaylin Brandon           



There once was a girl named Sue;                            
In the bedoom she knew what to do.                          
She'd jump on your pelvis                                   
And shake it like Elvis,                                    
Until you had filled her with goo.                          
                                                            
18869 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



A lusty young farmgirl named May                            
Had no use at all for foreplay.                             
If a beau took too long                                     
Before coming on strong,                                    
She'd kick him right out of the hay.                        
                                                            
18870 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Macsam                   



A hot-pussied dolly named Hunt                              
Remarked to friend Joe in her cunt:                         
"Keep up the hard poking                                    
To keep my cunt smoking,                                    
And after you come--you can bunt!"                          
(bunt - a push or shove with the head)                      
18871 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 G0619



Those southern fems are pretty loose;                       
Well equiped with a fast blowing fuse.                      
And so apt to arouse                                        
When there's meat in the house;                             
Their manhandling just borders abuse.                       
                                                            
18872 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



When 'tween her spread legs you will fall;                  
It's her who'll be having the ball.                         
In fact she'll have two,                                    
She'll get them from you -                                  
Then chomp on your dick till you squall!                    
                                                            
18873 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



A hot little number Miss Danius,                            
Had screwed many men miscellaneous.                         
When a friend did inquire                                   
Why men set her on fire,                                    
Her combustion, she said, was spontaneous.                  
                                                            
18874 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2007



An amorous maiden antique                                   
Locked a man in her house for a week.                       
He entered her door                                         
With a shout and a roar,                                    
But his exit was marked by a squeak                         
                                                            
18875 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Anon                     



There's nothing the bridegroom would rather                 
Than to stop his brides telephone blather.                  
So he threw her in bed                                      
And without a word said,                                    
They worked up a strong silent lather.                      
                                                            
18876 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Bruce Thompson           



Simultaneously hopping around                               
In the panties while pounding your mound,                   
In a daze, unaware,                                         
I tripped over a chair,                                     
And we fell with a thud to the ground.                      
                                                            
18877 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Peter Wilkins            



But you softened my landing, my dear,                       
For you fell underneath me, I fear                          
That I've caused you some hurt                              
To your beautiful pert                                      
Little tips and your peach of a rear.                       
                                                            
18878 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Peter Wilkins            



No! Don't get up! Stay down here!                           
I'm not injured in front or in rear!                        
Since we're in a position                                   
For resuming coition,                                       
Let's do it.  Oh! and pay the cashier!                      
                                                            
18879 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Ericka                   



A young fellow I knew named McSore                          
Had wild sex with a girl on the floor.                      
And the thrust of her bust                                  
With the lust in the dust,                                  
Left him eager and panting for more.                        
                                                            
18880 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Moony              TP9802



All reference books will soon show,                         
You must match power in with outflow.                       
The best way I know,                                        
To make that flab go,                                       
Is to practise the horizontal tango.                        
                                                            
18881 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



There was a young rounder named Fisk,                       
Whose method of screwing was brisk.                         
And his reason was, "If                                     
The damned bitch has syph,                                  
This way I'm reducing the risk."                            
                                                            
18882 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 L1092



Sex was painful with my young blonde twinkie;               
She played rough and got way too kinky.                     
She pulled and she tugged;                                  
For the camera she mugged;                                  
And she thought my stick was a slinky.                      
                                                            
18883 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Mel Prophet              



Losing all sense of control,                                
On the bed we tumble and roll.                              
Pleasuring each other,                                      
Trying to smother,                                          
The fire on this hot bed of coals.                          
                                                            
18884 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



A lusty young maid in Mt Shasta                             
Did urge her true love to pump faster;                      
Her cattle-prod flashed                                     
As he thrusted and thrashed;                                
A good man will do what he has-ta.                          
                                                            
18885 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



There's a damsel in Medicine Hat                            
Who will warn all her gentlemen that                        
"When I'm toute exposee                                     
At the height of the play,                                  
I am never quite sure where I'm at!"                        
                                                            
18886 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Keith MacMillan       90b



He hath waxed poetic to woo me,                             
Forsooth, doth titillate, I prithee;                        
Yet, down here in Texas                                     
We think of our sex as                                      
A buckin' bronc ride, wild and free.                        
                                                            
18887 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



We'll do it out under the stars,                            
In the backseats of long limo cars,                         
With Lord Fauntleroys,                                      
Or rugged cowboys,                                          
But never on-line...won't it scar?                          
                                                            
18888 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                      



A dizzy young dancer named Tillie                           
Said, "Willy, you're perfectly silly.                       
What's wrong with your noodle?                              
I said diddle, not doodle--                                 
You're to lay me today, willy-nilly!"                       
                                                            
18889 CONGRESS - FURIOUS                                 G0204



There once was a girl from Temacula,                        
Whose skills 'tween the sheets was spectacula.              
Men came far and wide,                                      
But Oh! What a ride!                                        
It left them like they were tubercula.                      
                                                            
18890 CONGRESS - FURIOUS             Phil Wahl                



There once was a fellow from Saxe,                          
Who liked making the beast with two backs.                  
The position was mean,                                      
And his gal wasn't keen;                                    
The whole thing was anticlimax.                             
                                                            
18891 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Annie Jay                



When we're tummy to tummy, my dear,                         
The position to greet the new year;                         
Then, my small head is boss;                                
'Tween my ears, there's just moss;                          
I go mad while you're baking my spear!                      
                                                            
18892 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



Advice from old Simon Legree                                
Was barely worth more than his pee.                         
For instance, "Work hard"                                   
Is one dumb canard,                                         
The best screws in life are still free!                     
                                                            
18893 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Mark Levy           P9606



A bouncy young lass from Des Moines                         
Ignited a fire in my loins.                                 
When we were done,                                          
I found it more fun                                         
Than hobbies involving rare coins.                          
                                                            
18894 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Mike Desso               



There was a nosepicker named Scott                          
Who said, as he dug out some snot,                          
"There are things that are grand                            
When you do them by hand,                                   
But they're better when done with a twat."                  
                                                            
18895 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2285



A bird in the hand is so prime;                             
Beats two in the bush, says the rhyme.                      
But the boys down in Kush                                   
Think a bird in the bush,                                   
Is worth two in the hand every time.                        
                                                            
18896 CONGRESS - HAPPY               John E Maywood           



During wintertime up at the Sault                           
It is chilly -- there's nothing to do;                      
So they cope with the freeze                                
Like the birds and the bees,                                
And the birthrate goes up quite a few.                      
                                                            
18897 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Hugh Oliver           76a



A deadly dull doodler named Biddle                          
Said, "A doodle is not like a diddle.                       
Though both are just fiddling,                              
But compared, doodling's middling                           
To diddling a dilly's hot middle.                           
                                                            
18898 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Grand Prix Lim  994      



Said William, "Oh, dear mistress mine,                      
The distinction may be rather fine,                         
But if you're assumin'                                      
That sinning is human,                                      
Be assured sex with you is divine.                          
                                                            
18899 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Isaac Asimov             



When teaching me Econ one day,                              
A professor was heard to then say,                          
"When supply meets demand,                                  
Then throughout the land,                                   
No one will be alone for sex play.                          
                                                            
18900 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Ming-mei Wu              



A fireman does not use a hose,                              
He stokes a boiler till it glows.                           
But a firefighter might,                                    
Use his hose everynight,                                    
To put out my flames, I suppose.                            
                                                            
18901 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



At first I'll be your fire stoker,                          
Your kisser, your hugger, your stroker.                     
And then with my balls                                      
I'll bombard your walls                                     
With relief and make that fire a smoker!                    
                                                            
18902 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



Being gullied, the girlie told Pete                         
Of continually being in heat.                               
Said Pete, "There's no pleasure                             
Which in any way measures                                   
With the putting of meat into meat."                        
                                                            
18903 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Grand Prix Lim  294      



A wonton young lady from Wimley,                            
Reproached for not acting quite primly,                     
Answered, "Heavens above,                                   
I know sex isn't love,                                      
But it's such an attractive facsimile."                     
                                                            
18904 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Anon                     



St. Paul himself peddled the line                           
That the flesh is weak. Therefore, in fine,                 
When a man meets a woman,                                   
To err is quite human,                                      
But the way that it feels is divine.                        
                                                            
18905 CONGRESS - HAPPY               A. N. Wilkins       P8606



The scientist sweats and he grunts                          
As problems anew he confronts.                              
He is solving the scheme                                    
That God managed to dream,                                  
Which is making pricks feel good in cunts.                  
                                                            
18906 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0464



Said a girl from Staraya Russa,                             
Whom the war had made looser and looser,                    
"Yes, I'm wormin' a German,                                 
A vermin named Herman,                                      
But his dink is a lollapalooza!"                            
                                                            
18907 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   L1060



If judged by the lovers I keep,                             
Then I ought to be dug six feet deep.                       
For I'm never alone                                         
With my bone in a bone,                                     
Plus it's healthy, it's fun, and it's cheap.                
                                                            
18908 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Phil T                   



I've enjoyed all these moments we've had,                   
So it's painful to see you get mad.                         
The gent that I am,                                         
I yield the last slam.                                      
It was fun, it was cool, it was rad!                        
                                                            
18909 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,                          
Was fucking a captive, a person                             
Who was not averse,                                         
Though she had the curse,                                   
And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.                     
                                                            
18910 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   L0320



A young tightrope walker named Darius                       
Would fuck in a manner precarious.                          
He was asked to account                                     
For his dangerous mount.                                    
He replied with a smile, "'Twas hilarious."                 
                                                            
18911 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0677



Exclaimed a young girl in Kildare,                          
As her lover's jock towered in air,                         
"If that goes in me I                                       
Shall certainly die,                                        
As I shall if it does not go there."                        
                                                            
18912 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   L0873



It's only human nature after all                            
If a fellow puts a girl against the wall,                   
And put his inclination, into her accomodation,             
To increase the population of the rising generation,        
Why, it's only human nature, after all.                     
                                                            
18913 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   L0368



A sympathy fuck, so you say?                                
It felt really good anyway.                                 
The point is I got some                                     
While you wanked away, scum.                                
Hey Carol!  Please come out and play.                       
                                                            
18914 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



Fucking is a filthy deed.--I like it.                       
It satisfies a normal need.--I like it.                     
It makes you sick, it makes you well,                       
It turns your spine to fucking jell,                        
It damns you soul to Eternal Hell!--I like it.              
                                                            
18915 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   G2313



A Georgia-boy made it vocational                            
To make his love-life interracial.                          
The girls he'd pursue                                       
Were not of his hue,                                        
But the sex they enjoyed was sensational.                   
                                                            
18916 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Bruce Thompson           



I happened to be passing through,                           
And thought I would offer this view:                        
I really am glad                                            
That NO sex is bad...                                       
Some's better than others, that's true.                     
                                                            
18917 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



It's Sunday the day we should rest                          
And re-charge all our batteries lest                        
Our poor brains turn to mush;                               
But I'm thinking that lusc-                                 
ious voluptuous love-making's best.                         
                                                            
18918 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Jim Weaver Collection    



An overjoyed lady named Hample                              
Remarked to the salesman, "You're ample."                   
With a smile on his face                                    
He reached for his case                                     
And said, "This one is simply a sample."                    
                                                            
18919 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0188



With his lot, man has not been contented;                   
By compulsion to change, he's tormented.                    
At improvement he strains,                                  
But the screw still remains                                 
Just as good as it first was invented.                      
                                                            
18920 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2001



A young lady investor, Miss Finches,                        
Was observing the oil rigs and winches.                     
She said, "Though it's fun                                  
To see deep drilling done,                                  
I am thrilled if I'm drilled for six inches."               
                                                            
18921 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0139



I really don't know about mice,                             
Or whatever they think is nice.                             
While they go and play,                                     
If things don't gang agley,                                 
My best plan is getting laid -- twice.                      
(apologies to Bobby Burns - McW)                            
18922 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Norm Storer         P9812



There was an Israeli girl, Shevar,                          
Who was always full of endeavor.                            
Her tight Jewish cunt                                       
Could do many-a-stunt.                                      
I could fuck her forever and ever.                          
                                                            
18923 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Jim Weaver Collection    



In the old days in downtown Beirut,                         
I would frolic in my birthday suit,                         
With a lady so fair                                         
Who had long golden hair,                                   
And who played on my long-handled flute.                    
                                                            
18924 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Tom Patton          P9607



There once lived a man named Don Twitty,                    
Who polled all the men in the city.                         
The sex they liked best:                                    
Above all the rest,                                         
Was screwing a tight pussy-kitty.                           
                                                            
18925 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Laurence Craft           



In an area ten miles around Gypsum,                         
Once a gal's caught by Hal, the guy strips 'em.             
He gives fillies rare fun                                   
As he gets off his gun                                      
In the sport for which Nature equips 'em.                   
                                                            
18926 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   G0608



There was a young lady of Lundy,                            
Began fresh affairs every Monday.                           
Thus enlarging each week,                                   
Her erotic technique.                                       
Whilst chastely abstaining each Sunday.                     
                                                            
18927 CONGRESS - HAPPY               W F N Watson             



There's a young man in old Keokuck;                         
With the girls he has had lousy luck.                       
Then he found a girl                                        
Who gave him a whirl                                        
And a good (OBSCENITY STRUCK).                              
                                                            
18928 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Ed Wolfert          P8212



Claimed a practical swinger named Mix,                      
"The best reason for sex is just kicks;                     
Who would want to feel tender                               
For the feminine gender --                                  
What you know isn't broken, don't fix."                     
                                                            
18929 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Armand E Singer       761



I said this to June, my bedmate:                            
"I'm glad we decided to date.                               
My prior love-life                                          
Was loaded with strife,                                     
And I'm glad I don't have to inflate."                      
                                                            
18930 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl of Aberystwyth,                      
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.               
The miller's son, Jack,                                     
Laid her flat on her back,                                  
And united the organs they pissed with.                     
                                                            
18931 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Algernon Swinburne       



The author proclaimed in his script                         
How man over kisses has flipped,                            
But there's nothing so fine                                 
As the feeling divine                                       
When the prick in the pussy is dipped.                      
                                                            
18932 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2292



Said a cute Dixie pixie in Raleigh,                         
"While some say that screwing is folly,                     
If they'd just compare sex                                  
To psychological wrecks,                                    
They'd admit then, that sex is quite jolly!"                
                                                            
18933 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Grand Prix Lim  814      



A cheerful old party of Lucknow,                            
Remarked, "I should just like a fuck now!"                  
So he had one and spent,                                    
And said, "I'm content.                                     
By no means am I so cunt-struck now."                       
(Published 1879)                                            
18934 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   L1470



There once was a jolly old bloke                            
Who picked up a girl for a poke.                            
He took down her pants,                                     
Fucked her into a trance,                                   
And then shit in her shoe for a joke.                       
                                                            
18935 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   L0272



I float like a butterfly, sting                             
Like a bee, and I'm likely to sing                          
When I'm in the shower,                                     
Or when I deflower                                          
A lass, when I'm jabbing her thing.                         
                                                            
18936 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



At six...yes!...I had my first lay!                         
"Too early!" some folks here will say;                      
With them I agree;                                          
Tomorrow I'll see,                                          
If nine is the right time of day!                           
                                                            
18937 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Travis Brasell           



I may be outrageously fickle,                               
And oft get myself in a pickle,                             
But  until  I  drop,                                        
I won't ever stop                                           
Pursuing a good slap and tickle.                            
                                                            
18938 CONGRESS - HAPPY               SFA                      



I welcome the coming of spring;                             
My dong sends a familiar ding                               
Through my body and brains.                                 
There will be some stains                                   
On her mattress, with a broken spring.                      
                                                            
18939 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



A Texan Rhodes Scholar named Fred,                          
Was a witty companion in bed.                               
With priapic zest                                           
He would toss off each jest.                                
"I am standing for congress," he said.                      
(congress - getting together,  get it?  Oh well . . .McW)   
18940 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Lyndon T. Mole           



There was a young fellow named Marty,                       
Who at sex was delightfully hearty.                         
With a girl, he'd get in her,                               
On the floor, during dinner,                                
Which surely enlivened the party.                           
                                                            
18941 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Isaac Asimov             



Said an analyst famed for dissentions,                      
With Puritan Anglo-Saxon pretensions,                       
The sexual aim                                              
Is always the same                                          
And that's the release of our tensions.                     
                                                            
18942 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Glenn F. Baker           



There was an old cynic named Slocum                         
Whose dicta were pretty much hokum.                         
But this he did say,                                        
So true in its way,                                         
Girls love you to death if you poke 'em.                    
                                                            
18943 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Armand E Singer       786



There was a young girl from Bordeaux,                       
Whose mother said, "Always say no!"                         
But the girl said "No," after                               
The fun when, with laughter,                                
She'd screwed her good friend, Pierrot.                     
                                                            
18944 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Isaac Asimov             



In a car, in the shower, in the hay;                        
First there's touchy feely foreplay.                        
After that, him and her                                     
Whose emotions concur,                                      
Can expect an exceptional lay.                              
                                                            
18945 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Esther Koch              



There was a young lady from Rye,                            
Who was roundly misused by a guy.                           
She did not feel abused,                                    
At being so used.                                           
She was happy to give it a try.                             
                                                            
18946 CONGRESS - HAPPY               John Ciardi              



Said a decadent wench of Bombay:                            
"This has been a most wonderful day.                        
Three cherry tarts,                                         
At least twenty farts,                                      
Two shits and a bloody fine lay."                           
                                                            
18947 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   G1356



"Some things are exciting to me,                            
Like nipples and elbows," said Leigh;                       
"And whether I'm plumbing                                   
Or contemplate coming,                                      
A union suits me to a tee."                                 
                                                            
18948 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Ed Potts            P8507



"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,                     
"In a long-distance telephone booth,                        
I enjoyed the perfection                                    
Of an ideal connection.                                     
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."                 
                                                            
18949 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   L0341



"The beds are all full," said Miranda,                      
To her beau, with commendable candor.                       
"And our antique chaise longue                              
Is not very strong,                                         
So why don't we try the verandah?"                          
                                                            
18950 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                   G0132



A wellbred young miss from old Raleigh,                     
Met a man from New York on the trolly.                      
When she said to the guy,                                   
"Y'all come, don't be shy,"                                 
He gave her a volley, by golly!                             
                                                            
18951 CONGRESS - HAPPY                                        



We've all gone remarkably quiet --                          
Of course, it is Saturday night.                            
And what are we doing?                                      
We all are off screwing                                     
A warm and wet pussy that's tiet.                           
                                                            
18952 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Archie                   



Said the canny faith healer of Deal,                        
"As the sins of the flesh are not real,                     
I invite my well bred                                       
Female patients to bed                                      
To enjoy what we fancy we feel."                            
                                                            
18953 CONGRESS - HAPPY               A. N. Wilkins       P8507



A gracious young hostess named Ewing,                       
Believed she had only been doing,                           
Her ladylike best,                                          
To welcome a guest,                                         
And was startled when he called it "screwing."              
                                                            
18954 CONGRESS - HAPPY               John Ciardi              



Said a mystified minx named McMace,                         
"The prudes claim that all sex is base.                     
While the motions are silly,                                
The kick is a dilly!                                        
Also, what's to be done in its place?"                      
                                                            
18955 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Grand Prix Lim  823      



With my dick in a dyke I'd feel silly,                      
'Cause there's a much better place for my willy;            
In the cunt or the ass                                      
Of a willing young lass,                                    
And, believe me, that's more of a thrilly.                  
                                                            
18956 CONGRESS - HAPPY               Klass                    



A full Sunday lunch with some booze,                        
Then I'm certainly up for a snooze.                         
But I still think siesta                                    
Is twenty times besta,                                      
Proceded by pleasure in twos.                               
                                                            
18957 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Indiana Millwart         



That hoary old adage we kenned,                             
Sees the cost of a romantic weekend:                        
"Two days of pure lust                                      
Will leave one of you mussed,                               
And the other one wonderfully weakened."                    
                                                            
18958 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                                 



"Strange pleasures we've always pursued,"                   
Said the very inventive young dude.                         
"So you'll have to confess,                                 
Though we're stuck with the mess,                           
It was better than coming unglued."                         
                                                            
18959 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Pierce Evans             



There was a young couple from Mucking                       
Who disapproved strongly of sucking.                        
So they spent day and night                                 
In chaste delight,                                          
Just fucking and fucking and fucking.                       
                                                            
18960 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                            G0887



Said a guy to his gal, quite ambitiously,                   
"I will screw you, my dear, expeditiously."                 
The lass simply smiled,                                     
Said, "Delightful! Just Wild!"                              
And it all ended simply deliciously.                        
                                                            
18961 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Isaac Asimov             



An unhappy damsel of Snyder                                 
Remarked to Bill Ryde, then astride her,                    
That she'd like to state                                    
She disdained so much weight,                               
But she DID enjoy what was inside her.                      
                                                            
18962 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Grand Prix Lim   75      



A gentleman from Manitoba,                                  
Met a maid, with intent to disroba.                         
After much hearty sex,                                      
They'd sit back and relex,                                  
Drinking tea made form Gingko biloba.                       
                                                            
18963 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Jim Weaver Collection    



Ma Nature libidos doth quench,                              
When thou findeth a suitable wench.                         
Her haggis which reeketh,                                   
Blood sausage doth seeketh,                                 
To fill with black pudding her trench.                      
                                                            
18964 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                                 



A couple was fishing near Clombe,                           
When the maid began looking quite glum,                     
And said, "Bother the fish!                                 
I'd rather coish!"                                          
Which they did -- Which was why they had come.              
                                                            
18965 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                            L0122



I lay in this idyll bucolic,                                
Sustained by a drink alcoholic.                             
As the nightingale soars                                    
And the rain downward pours,                                
With Mavis I have fun and frolics.                          
                                                            
18966 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                                 



The smell of wet turnips and Swedes,                        
A scent that no perfume exceeds,                            
And the rain, so they say,                                  
Keeps the midges away   [mosquitoes]                        
As we tumble away in the weeds.                             
                                                            
18967 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                                 



And so comes the storm and the lightning,                   
We both feel the passion is heightening.                    
Conditions climatic                                         
Give a climax ecstatic,                                     
But the thunder drowns yells of delightning.                
                                                            
18968 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                                 



A newlywed pair from Des Moines                             
Remarked as they fitted their loins,                        
"The position is odd,                                       
But we have to applaud                                      
The gusto we get in our groins."                            
                                                            
18969 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Hugh Clary               



The making of love is a science,                            
Demanding from guys the appliance                           
Of forces hydraulic                                         
When having a frolic                                        
At ladies's behest and compliance.                          
                                                            
18970 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Peter Wilkins            



It is true, that sex is delicious;                          
With beautiful ladies, lubricious.                          
And with my friend May,                                     
There's not much to pay,                                    
Just cleaning and washing the dishes.                       
                                                            
18971 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Tiddy Ogg                



An American fellow from Tucson,                             
And a lady Korean from Pusan,                               
Made it sexually,                                           
(Internationally)                                           
And for that they deserve no abuse, son.                    
                                                            
18972 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Isaac Asimov             



I wondered how Sue was in bed,                              
So one day I put it to Ned.                                 
He said she was cocky,                                      
Behaved like a jockey;                                      
Just mounted and gave him his head.                         
                                                            
18973 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        SFA                      



That Ned!  What a kidder!  I swear!                         
Wears Winnie-the-Pooh underwear!                            
He calls his dick Tommy,                                    
And cries for his mommy                                     
Each time that I saddle the mare.                           
                                                            
18974 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Sue                      



He claims he is willing to jump                             
With just a few slaps on his rump.                          
But all that he got                                         
Was spittle and snot,                                       
And Tommy reduced to a stump.                               
                                                            
18975 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        SFA                      



At lovemaking, Ned was a flop.                              
He'd seem to be ready, then drop...                         
And leave me throbbin'.                                     
Maybe, like Dobbin,                                         
He needed a touch of the crop.                              
                                                            
18976 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Sue                      



A friend of Hermione's, Sue?                                
I bet you're from somewhere near Crewe.                     
A god-awful dump, it                                        
Has so little crumpet,                                      
That guys will be chuffed to see you.                       
                                                            
18977 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Peter Wilkins            



That Neddy, he fancies bare-back,                           
When mounted my mares in the sack.                          
So next time you jump,                                      
No touching his rump.                                       
Just give him his head with a crack!                        
                                                            
18978 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        SFA                      



Now Catherine dear, do get a grip;                          
'Twas just an innocuous quip.                               
I know it looks rude,                                       
So before I am sued,                                        
The crack that I meant was the whip.                        
                                                            
18979 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        SFA                      



The regulars know this, old horse,                          
Just had to consider the source.                            
It's not the first where                                    
You've broken some mare.                                    
You're just like your fodder, of gorse.                     
                                                            
18980 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Cyber Wizard             



Luce, coming with you is such fun;                          
The bestest thing I've ever done.                           
We really were mixing                                       
Our juices and fixing                                       
A bun to go into your oven.                                 
                                                            
18981 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Anon                     



A handsome young gasman from Chester,                       
Surprised a blond housewife called Hester.                  
Said he, "This is sweeter                                   
Than reading your meter."                                   
So they then took a lengthly siesta.                        
                                                            
18982 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                                 



In the heat of the midday at Douz,                          
They go to their room for a snooze;                         
But somehow, it seems,                                      
They never have dreams--                                    
For a snooze is not quite what they choose.                 
                                                            
18983 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Harold C Bibby      P9710



In the circus, a giant named Kerr                           
Said, "It's Donna the Dwarf I prefer.                       
Although I'm twice as tall,                                 
We still have quite a ball.                                 
You could say that I'm nuts over her."                      
                                                            
18984 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Jerry Nordal        P0310



The pleasures of sex are so various                         
That indulgence can prove most precarious,                  
For practiced at length                                     
It depletes a man's strength,                               
While delighting no end the ovarious.                       
                                                            
18985 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Grand Prix Lim   17      



Wick-dipping's a joy for us all;                            
The long and the short and the tall.                        
The dipper and dippee                                       
Are both shouting Yippee!                                   
And the pleasure it gives will not pall.                    
                                                            
18986 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Anon                     



There was a young fellow named Wattie                       
Who drove every girl he met dotty.                          
He explained, "I'm the boy                                  
Who fucks women with joy,                                   
And delights when they rattle the potty."                   
                                                            
18987 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                            G1478



How nice that we come in two sexes!                         
Though everthing else may perplex us,                       
Those pussies and pricks  (Though some do incline )         
And kisses and licks,     (To feel one sex is fine,)        
Erase the frustrations that vex us.                         
                          (Even in places like Texas.)      
18988 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH        Edward Leer              



There was a young fellow from Eton,                         
Used always to sleep with the heat on,                      
Till he ran into a lass                                     
Who showed him her ass.                                     
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.                        
                                                            
18989 CONGRESS - HAPPY - BOTH                            L0030



There was a young lady named Stein,                         
With rondures so nearly divine,                             
And so few inhibitions                                      
To set harsh conditions,                                    
That she spent half her life on her spine.                  
(rondure - gracefully rounded curvature)                    
18990 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      John Ciardi              



The rest of her time, let me add,                           
Was not spent in cleaning her pad,                          
But prone, or asprawl,                                      
Or astraddle, but all,                                      
(Nearly all), of it scantily clad.                          
                                                            
18991 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      John Ciardi              



Which saved her a deal of expense.                          
Thus, by practicing good common sense,                      
She made both ends meet                                     
Through the rent of her suite,                              
And her lingerie bills were immense.                        
                                                            
18992 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      John Ciardi              



There was a young woman named Rhoda,                        
As sweet as a chocolate soda.                               
It was such a delight                                       
To screw her at night,                                      
Then one more at dawn as a coda.                            
(coda - refrain)                                            
18993 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Isaac Asimov             



There was a young woman of Essex,                           
Who had many occasions to bless sex,                        
And would banish from sight,                                
Any moron who might,                                        
Suggest it was time she had less sex.                       
                                                            
18994 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Isaac Asimov             



In the pasture, a farmer of Jackson                         
Debauched an old maid name of Saxon.                        
When the orgy was over,                                     
She arose from the clover                                   
And said, "Do you think you'll be back, son?"               
                                                            
18995 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0217



There was a young lady named Twiss,                         
Who said she thought fucking a bliss.                       
For it tickled her bum,                                     
And caused her to come,                                     
While comfortablly lying like T H                           
                                  I S.                      
18996 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                          L0117



While giving her feathers a ruffling,                       
Her screams of delight needed muffling.                     
She entered his prize                                       
To silence her cries,                                       
And hear the sweet sounds of his snuffling.                 
                                                            
18997 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      SFA                      



He knew she would soon be in trouble                        
For saying he can't burst her bubble.                       
With one mighty push,                                       
Her bountiful bush                                          
Was quickly reduced to a stubble.                           
                                                            
18998 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                               



She done made me swear under oath                           
To tackle her lush undergrowth.                             
I tried to be kind                                          
And what did I find?                                        
One hedgehog, two frogs and a sloth.                        
                                                            
18999 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      SFA                      



A maid in the land of Aloha                                 
Got laid in the prow of a proa.                             
And as the island stud sneezed,                             
The maid, not displeased                                    
Cried, "Come on! Let's do it Somoa."                        
(proa - double-ended Indonesian sail boat)                  
19000 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Mervyn Cripps            



There was a young girl of Topeka,                           
Who from diddling grew weaker and weaker.                   
'Till a guy, name of Dick                                   
Went and offered his prick,                                 
So she tried it and shouted, "Eureka!"                      
                                                            
19001 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                          L0901



Said a lusty young maiden of Kew,                           
"I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't chew.                
But do not think, therefore,                                
There's nothing I care for,                                 
If you know what I mean, and you do."                       
                                                            
19002 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                               



Maggie, a most amoral soul,                                 
Is obsessed with African's poles.                           
She told her black chauffeur                                
That he was her gopher,                                     
And that he should go for her hole.                         
                                                            
19003 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                          L0346



Annie the cook's quite a dish;                              
Matters not that she smells just like fish,                 
So Francis did not,                                         
Tie his dick in a knot,                                     
And Annie the cook got her wish.                            
                                                            
19004 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Jim Weaver Collection    



In a dame, it's a praiseworthy attitude                     
To mention her most profound gratitude,                     
After being laid nicely,                                    
Not oncely, but TWICELY...                                  
For then, gratitude is no platitude.                        
                                                            
19005 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Grand Prix Lim  992      



A willing young dilly named Marge                           
Who was screwed by nine men on a barge,                     
Remarked with a grin                                        
"Some insist sex is sin,                                    
But it's really great fun, by and large."                   
                                                            
19006 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Grand Prix Lim  150      



A fine Southern lady named Hentz,                           
Preferred colored boys when she'd yentz.                    
She explained, "When they're black,                         
They've a spring in their back,                             
And their tools are most always immense."                   
                                                            
19007 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                          L1434



Said she, "You move me to much distress",                   
As she proceded to undress.                                 
"I see you're above par.                                    
Promise we won't take it too far.                           
No, No, No, No, - Oh Yes!"                                  
                                                            
19008 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Jim                      



A well hung young fellow was Browder;                       
His pecker was longer and prouder.                          
When he screwed old Miss Gariepy                            
Who was looking for therapy,                                
She no longer did need sleeping powder.                     
                                                            
19009 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0067



A sweet little deb named Miss Shore                         
Was fucking the boys more and more.                         
She knew digital pleasure                                   
Was a far safer measure,                                    
"But Hell!" she said, "What's a cunt for?"                  
                                                            
19010 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                          G2206



A lovely young virgin named Lynn                            
Once said about fucking, "It's sin."                        
But a fellow named Tang,                                    
With a twenty-inch wang,                                    
Made her cry to the heavens, "It's in!"                     
                                                            
19011 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Lims For Year - 01       



There's a luscious young charmer named Carmen               
Who fucks for bums, boxers, and barmen.                     
Says she, "The effete                                       
Have more brains, but less meat.                            
I prefer hairy fellows who are men!"                        
                                                            
19012 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Grand Prix Lim  276 G0285



My lady and I get along better                              
When I keep her cunny much wetter.                          
I sing her a song,                                          
And give her my dong.                                       
She howls like our old Irish setter!                        
                                                            
19013 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                               



There was a young lady named Joy                            
Who spread out her legs for a boy.                          
Then she let out a shriek                                   
Which reechoed a week,                                      
But the shriek that she let was for Joy.                    
                                                            
19014 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0223



There was a young lady named Gay,                           
Who was asked to make love in the hay.                      
She jumped at the chance                                    
And took off her pants.                                     
She was tickled to try it that way.                         
                                                            
19015 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                               



Beneath a tree one rainy day in May,                        
A lover and his swooning lady lay.                          
He was in her to the hilt,                                  
And though she was nearly kilt,                             
She loved it, and kept hollering, "Hooray!"                 
                                                            
19016 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                          L1478



Once on my allotment in Harrow,                             
I nurtured a very large marrow.                             
My girlfriend, though tight,                                
Stayed up through the night                                 
To widen her once straight and narrow.                      
                                                            
19017 CONGRESS - HAPPY - FEMALE                               



"I've traveled since first I was born,"                     
Said Sadie, a little forlorn.                               
"And I can attest                                           
The trip I like best,                                       
Is the trip all around the big horn."                       
                                                            
19018 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE      Jim Weaver Collection    



No huffing and no sweaty puffing;                           
No whining, no "That's not enoughing!"                      
The reflex is complex                                       
Yielding exquisite sex,                                     
With none of that Billy Goat Gruffing!                      
                                                            
19019 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE                               



Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,                      
As she rode atop Mr. Haley--                                
He came like a comet                                        
As she thrust upon it,                                      
And now he orbits her daily.                                
                                                            
19020 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE      Limberick                



Remembering all of my roots,                                
(The ones where I took off my suits),                       
The one I liked best                                        
Was bouncing on the chest,                                  
Of the blonde whom I'll only call Toots.                    
                                                            
19021 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE      Archie                   



A vigorous young Nova Scotian,                              
Used to plunging about on the ocean,                        
By his girl was undressed                                   
And is now quite obsessed                                   
With that up-and-down copular motion.                       
                                                            
19022 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE      Keith MacMillan       23a



There was a young girl of Moravia,                          
Whose beauty would surely enslave ya.                       
While her double-knee action                                
Lent greater attraction                                     
To her happy amoral behavior.                               
                                                            
19023 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE                          G0135



Hickory is the best of wood,                                
Fucking does a woman good,                                  
It spreads her thighs,                                      
Opens her eyes,                                             
And gives her ass good exercise.                            
                                                            
19024 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE                          L1560



A timid young fellow from Austin                            
Was frightened, but finally faustian;  (reject spirituality)
And after a day                                             
Of some copular play                                        
Agreed it was nice, but exhaustin'.                         
                                                            
19025 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE      Hugh Oliver         A113A



There was a young fellow named Phil,                        
Who was screwing a girl, as boys will.                      
She had a girl's knack                                      
Of screwing right back.                                     
The instinct's not easy to kill.                            
                                                            
19026 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE      John Ciardi              



There was a young fellow named Ollie,                       
Whose dong slithered strong in a dolly.                     
In the midst of his thrust                                  
It expanded with lust,                                      
Which was jolly for Dolly, by golly!                        
                                                            
19027 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE                          G2449



There once was a lazy young clerk,                          
Who thought sex a great deal of work.                       
But he said, "When I shove,                                 
It's a labor of love,                                       
And that sort of thing, I can't shirk."                     
                                                            
19028 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE      Isaac Asimov             



There was a cute quirp from Calcutta,                       
Who was fond of churning love butter.                       
One night she heard mutter,                                 
Her quim was a-flutter,                                     
For the thing she called "Utterly-Utter!"                   
                                                            
19029 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE                          L1600



There once was a young girl named Rodgers,                  
An apprentice who played with the lodgers,                  
And two who were able,                                      
Slipped under the table,                                    
To the horror of several old codgers.                       
                                                            
19030 CONGRESS - HAPPY - MOBILE                               



At the picnic we missed Jack and Flo,                       
And no one had seen the pair go.                            
After what seemed like hours,                               
They returned bearing flowers,                              
But we know where they went -- Ho, ho, ho!                  
                                                            
19031 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                  G0068



Jack's grasshopper pants appeared green,                    
And on the back of Flo's dress could be seen                
More green spots and grasses--                              
Perhaps, as time passes,                                    
They both may decide to come clean.                         
                                                            
19032 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Grand Prix Lim  507 G0069



Our conscience warns someone may see                        
What goes on between she and he.                            
If nobody knows,                                            
Then anything goes;                                         
We practice such hypocrisy.                                 
                                                            
19033 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



Got kicked out of "Life Drawing" class,                     
'Cause I kept drawing Petey's sweet ass.                    
Then fondling, incessant,                                   
That highlighted cresent                                    
Each time the teacher would pass.                           
                                                            
19034 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



Well...that's not really the reason.                        
She was so intent on squeezin'                              
Me out of her school,                                       
The batty old ghoul,                                        
(It was Petey who did the displeasin'!)                     
                                                            
19035 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



As I developed my life drawing art,                         
I started to draw his front part;                           
So life-like and real!                                      
That I copped a feel,                                       
Then it popped up and gave me a start!                      
                                                            
19036 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



I hissed, "Petey, get back in the page!                     
Come on now, please act like your age!"                     
I was body guard                                            
For this bloody, great hard                                 
(And my prisoner was out of its cage!)                      
                                                            
19037 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



It pulsed and it wobbled at me;                             
There was only one way I could see                          
To get this doodad                                          
Back in my sketchpad --                                     
A pecker on hollyhock spree...                              
                                                            
19038 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



So I went to the back of the room,                          
(With this peacock still in full bloom)                     
A few minutes later,                                        
The old educator                                            
Hit her desk with a ruler -- KABOOM!                        
                                                            
19039 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



"May I ask you, Ms. E., what you're doing?                  
And stop that ridiculous mewing!                            
You'll never adorn                                          
My classroom with porn!                                     
Give me that drawing you're chewing!"                       
                                                            
19040 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



I handed her my picture of Pete's                           
Alarmingly pulsating meat.                                  
When she grabbed his rod,                                   
He shot off his wad,                                        
And covered her face with secrete!                          
                                                            
19041 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



So you see, it wasn't my fault.                             
Why were lessons called to a halt?                          
A bossy old crab;                                           
A greedy old grab:                                          
And Petey's full frontal assault.                           
                                                            
19042 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ericka                   



I love to watch movies with you!                            
But I never get a good view.                                
The screen's at my back,                                    
(You sex maniac!)                                           
And your whatzit's in my wazoo!                             
                                                            
19043 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Jim Weaver Collection    



From a bathing machine came a din                           
As of jollification within.                                 
It was heard far and wide,                                  
And the incoming tide                                       
Had a definite flavor of gin.                               
(bathing machine - clothes-changing kiosk on beaches)       
19044 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Edward Gorey             



A modest young maiden named Della                           
Loved knocking it off with her fella;                       
She'd hide her trangression                                 
With thoughtful discretion                                  
Beneath an enormous umbrella.                               
                                                            
19045 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Armand E Singer       269



We tell children, to give them a fright,                    
About "Things That Go Bump In The Night!"                   
But rather than frightful,                                  
Some bumping's delightful,                                  
When the bumpers are doing it right.                        
                                                            
19046 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              John Miller 0101         



In the evenings, a butler named Rise,                       
In the room where he kept his supplies,                     
Would meet with the maid,                                   
And proceed to get laid,                                    
While their master was no more the wise.                    
                                                            
19047 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Cap'n Bean               



There was a young lady named Maud,                          
A terrible society fraud.                                   
In company, I'm told                                        
She was awfully cold,                                       
But if you got her alone, Oh God!                           
                                                            
19048 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Ethel W. Mumford    L0066



For heaven's sake, be discreet                              
And act nonchalant when we meet.                            
We'll sneak up to my room                                   
And play bride and groom,                                   
But close the door, when you excrete.                       
                                                            
19049 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Al Willis           P9805



A beautiful belle of Del Norte,                             
Is reckoned disdainful and haughty.                         
Because during the day,                                     
She says, "Boys, keep away!"                                
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.                   
                                                            
19050 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                  L0025



From children the sex act is hidden.                        
All advice to the kids is priest-ridden.                    
The principle used                                          
Leaves young folk confused --                               
If it's fun then the act is forbidden.                      
                                                            
19051 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Al Chaplin          P9410



In the bushes a gendarme from Nice                          
Was caressing a friend named Elise,                         
When a passerby looked,                                     
So the cop had him booked                                   
On the charge of disturbing the piece.                      
                                                            
19052 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              A. N. Wilkins       P8405



For me, family values will do it;                           
But its private, that's all there is to it.                 
My perverse delights                                        
Are my god given rights!                                    
If it's family, in my house I'll screw it!                  
                                                            
19053 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



Jack and Jill went to fetch some water,                     
But they did not do as they oughter.                        
Before very long,                                           
Jill had Jack's schlong,                                    
And she serviced him till they caught her.                  
                                                            
19054 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Sandman                  



The ladies spend hours of bliss                             
In forests that hide every kiss.                            
And no prying eye sees                                      
What occurs 'midst the trees,                               
So the forest's prime evil is this.                         
                                                            
19055 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Albin Chaplin   3024-2454



The park ranger thought it bizarre,                         
And it gave the young couple a jar.                         
They had just the rear seat,                                
And complained with some heat,                              
"Somebody has stolen our car!"                              
                                                            
19056 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              A. N. Wilkins       P8610



The chief delectation of summer                             
Is having a fling with a drummer,                           
Who goes like a train,                                      
Has a passable brain,                                       
And looks nothing like John Selwyn Gummer.                  
(JSG - Minister of Ag during Mad Cow Disease flap)          
19057 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Sue May                  



In grade school my true love was Shirley,                   
Whose father was short, squat and burley.                   
Had his tread on the stair                                  
Not warned he was there,                                    
My life might have ended quite early.                       
                                                            
19058 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              John Miller              



There was a young lady from Nattick,                        
Whose sex life was very erratic.                            
She dodged every feller,                                    
From third floor to cellar,                                 
But she slept with them all in the attic.                   
(But fucked all the bats in the attic.)                     
19059 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                  G1290



Some people ask "Where have you been?                       
Have you been living in sin?"                               
I don't mind confiding,                                     
I've been somewhere in hiding,                              
With a hooker, some penguins, and gin.                      
                                                            
19060 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Writerman           T9801



In the dark a young lady named Brook,                       
A fuck from her dear husband took.                          
She said to him, "Bertie,                                   
This business is dirty,                                     
So I really cannot bear to look."                           
                                                            
19061 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Albin Chaplin   3024-1973



There's nothing that's quite so delicious,                  
As coitus with a lubricious                                 
Female, curvaceous,                                         
In a garden herbaceous,                                     
When the act must be so surreptitious.                      
                                                            
19062 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



Near the sea by the famed Inchydunny,                       
Some sights you will see there are funny;                   
The lovers together,                                        
Bobbing up in the heather,                                  
And the clergy play cards for the money.                    
                                                            
19063 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Linda Marsh Coll         



Young Lucy was sorely bedevilled                            
By the ranks of fine lads as they revelled.                 
The first one she could,                                    
She led into the wood;                                      
They returned after dawn, all dishevelled.                  
                                                            
19064 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Paul M Hoffman           



I don't go with the world's fast-paced trends;              
My simple life merely extends                               
To a place by the bay                                       
At which I can lay                                          
My hat and a few of my friends.                             
                                                            
19065 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Martin Wellborn     P8407



In flatlands I've been known to dally,                      
But now I've more fun in the valley.                        
And on each high peak                                       
(I hope they won't leak!)                                   
That makes huge timber to rally.                            
                                                            
19066 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



In Lachine lived an old maid named Jean;                    
She was raped as she passed a ravine.                       
She was left much deranged,                                 
For her will was arranged                                   
To construct more ravines in Lachine.                       
                                                            
19067 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Albin Chaplin   3024-1354



There was a young man (probably Swiss)                      
Whose sister-in law begged for a kiss.                      
He paused in mid-stroke                                     
And cried, "What's this? A joke?                            
Shouldn't even be here doing this!"                         
                                                            
19068 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Martin Wellborn     P8412



In a motel in old Keremeos,                                 
My lover said: "Now we can be us!                           
But if you don't mind,                                      
I will pull down the blind;                                 
I don't want the tourists to see us!"                       
                                                            
19069 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              John E Mayhood      P0900



At midnight he turned out the lights,                       
While she quickly slipped out of her tights.                
Then noisy bed-squeaking,                                   
Low moans, breathless speaking--                            
Thus man celebrates his sex rites!                          
                                                            
19070 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                  G0116



If two's company and three's a crowd,                       
Four and five must be quite loud,                           
But I do prefer,                                            
Just me and her;                                            
I just can't do it in front of a crowd.                     
                                                            
19071 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm going to try to disappear,                              
In the office with the engineer;                            
Then turn out the light,                                    
Then maybe they might,                                      
Forget that we ever came here.                              
                                                            
19072 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



I'm the new engineer here;                                  
Would you like to check out my gear?                        
I'll unzip my zip                                           
And give it a dip,                                          
In your pink hot gear from the rear...                      
                                                            
19073 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



"The lesson from cool Calvin Cooper,"                       
Commented a State highway trooper,                          
"Is good places to screw                                    
Are best hid from view,                                     
And discretion preventing a blooper."                       
                                                            
19074 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Round her fair neck he fastened a lei.                      
Then he drove to a quiet inland ley,                        
And at that rustic site                                     
With volcanoes in sight,                                    
The pair consumated the lay.                                
                                                            
19075 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              A. N. Wilkins       P9112



There was a young coed from Smith,                          
Whose virtue was largely a myth.                            
We knew that she did it;                                    
She couldn't have hid it;                                   
The question was only who with.                             
                                                            
19076 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



Joe and Gladys felt sexy and hot,                           
As they laid in a cool shady spot...                        
They learned about woo                                      
In Biology Two...                                           
Education sure helps a lot!                                 
                                                            
19077 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Grand Prix Lim  935      



Are you certain that they're all gone?                      
You don't want them looking on.                             
I will not obey --                                          
You do what I say.                                          
You slow down or: No liason!                                
                                                            
19078 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Jim Weaver Collection    



In a lane, a young fellow named Cooper,                     
Committed a terrible blooper.                               
He had his girl bare,                                       
In his car, unaware                                         
Of a vigilant nearby state trooper.                         
                                                            
19079 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Isaac Asimov             



When my Sweet Thing's got fire in her womb;                 
In her attic's a nice, cozy room.                           
She will sneak me inside,                                   
And she'll clamp on my pride;                               
We'll hang tight and go boom-diddy-boom!                    
                                                            
19080 CONGRESS - HIDDEN                                       



Our tanning salon is brand new;                             
We've opened it solely for you.                             
Our beds are a hit,                                         
'Cause two people fit                                       
Inside and can tan as they screw.                           
                                                            
19081 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Travis Brasell           



So come on and give it a try.                               
Don't sit around thinking "Should I?"                       
Your first visit's free,                                    
In Maude's memory.                                          
A "fucking tan's" easy as pie!                              
                                                            
19082 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Travis Brasell           



There was a young lass of Pitlochry,                        
Whose morals seemed truly a mockery.                        
When they found 'neath her bed                              
A lover instead                                             
Of the usual item of crockery.                              
                                                            
19083 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Anon                L1514



The troglodyte maids of Matmatter,                          
Outdoors, only giggle and chatter;                          
But deep in their cave                                      
They must misbehave --                                      
Else how should they grow so much fatter?                   
                                                            
19084 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Harold C Bibby     P9712 



There were two young twins named Mahoney                    
And Tony screwed one out on Coney.                          
Though this may be hearsay                                  
No one knows to this day                                    
Which twin had been screwed by young Tony.                  
(Toni was a women's perm for the hair)                      
19085 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Albin Chaplin   3024-0255



A bikini-clad maiden named Bella                            
Did consent to have sex with her fella.                     
But to ward off the jeers                                   
Of less liberal peers,                                      
Only under a big beach umbrella.                            
                                                            
19086 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Armand E Singer      269A



Said a lassie on one of her larks,                          
"It's more fun indoors than in parks.                       
You feel more at ease,                                      
Your ass doesn't freeze,                                    
And strollers don't make snide remarks.                     
                                                            
19087 CONGRESS - HIDDEN              Grand Prix Lim  825 G0633



Full of lust, a swim teacher, Bill Howard,                  
Was screwing a girl while she showered.                     
He told her, "I hope,                                       
You're still holding the soap,                              
Or else it's the Lux I've deflowered."                      
                                                            
19088 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   G0985



A soldier on guard at Camp Shanks,                          
Walked his post by the old water tanks.                     
As he walked on the grass,                                  
He trod hard on an ass,                                     
display structure lass murmur, "Thanks."                    
                                                            
19089 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   L0048



We're missing a Miss from Decatur,                          
A wistfully winsome tomato,                                 
Her sex life--a fright!                                     
Never got it quite right,                                   
And her boyfriends always mis-laid her.                     
                                                            
19090 CONGRESS - INEPT               Jim Menger          P9207



Since Annie had married Jim Dunn,                           
Her sex-life was anything but fun.                          
She never climaxed                                          
'Cause she couldn't relax                                   
With Jim yelling, "Annie Get Your Gun".                     
                                                            
19091 CONGRESS - INEPT               Laurence Craft           



To idle one's days in long grass,                           
Canoodling some sweet country lass,                         
Is great, but for ants,                                     
That when you're sans pants,                                
Will bite you all over the ass.                             
                                                            
19092 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



A buxom young lady named Hadley                             
Went out on a date very gladly.                             
She was hale and was hearty                                 
And the life of the party,                                  
But in bed she behaved very badly.                          
                                                            
19093 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin            



There was a young man of Madras,                            
Who was fucking a girl in the grass.                        
But the tropical sun                                        
Spoiled half of his fun,                                    
By singeing the hair off his ass.                           
                                                            
19094 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   L1193



There was an old fellow named Ned                           
Who tempted a girl to his bed.                              
His attempt was half-hearted                                
For he could not get started,                               
When he found that his battery was dead.                    
                                                            
19095 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin            



There was a young fellow named Furster,                     
Who fucked a young girl 'till he burst her.                 
(Supposedly the first two-line limerick)                    
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
19096 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   L1163



Their passions had reached dizzy heights,                   
With kissings and lickings and bites.                       
She said: "Oh my god!                                       
Please don't spare me the rod!"                             
He said: "Sorry, it's caught in your tights!"               
                                                            
19097 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



There was an old man of Tagore,                             
Who tried out his cook on the floor.                        
He used Bridget's twidget,                                  
To fidget his digit,                                        
And now she won't cook any more.                            
                                                            
19098 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   L1062



There was a young fellow named Goody                        
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?                 
If he found himself nude                                    
With a girl in the mood,                                    
The question's not would he, but could he?                  
                                                            
19099 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



Young Trevor was not worth a wank;                          
For this he had Eunice to thank.                            
No sooner she'd strip,                                      
His manhood would dip                                       
And his balls would retract with a clank.                   
                                                            
19100 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



I know a lewd fellow named Vic                              
Whose wife kept their home span & spick,                    
Made him chocolate cookies,                                 
Even paid off his bookies,                                  
But couldn't hang on to his prick.                          
                                                            
19101 CONGRESS - INEPT               Armand E Singer       170



An old linotype went askew,                                 
With its naked machinery in view.                           
In this state of undress,                                   
It made love to the press,                                  
Saying gently, "Etaoin shrdlu."                             
                                                            
19102 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



Said a hesitant youth from Siberia,                         
"If it please you, uh, try, my dearie, uh,                  
This, uh, thingamabob                                       
Is what, uh, does the job,                                  
When it's thrust into, uh, your interior."                  
                                                            
19103 CONGRESS - INEPT               John Ciardi              



There once was a man named Big Bart,                        
When screwing, took a long time to start.                   
Since it took so much blood                                 
To erect the big stud,                                      
He'd go faint and miss the best part.                       
                                                            
19104 CONGRESS - INEPT               Laurence Craft           



I know of a lady, quite plump;                              
She really does like to hump                                
One day while on top,                                       
She fell like ker-plop,                                     
And then he went down with a thump!                         
                                                            
19105 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



She opened her blouse, as a teaser,                         
But she slipped as the lad tried to sieze her.              
Then she got blue tits                                      
And an ice covered clit,                                    
When she landed head first in the freezer.                  
                                                            
19106 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



A despondent young fellow was Jack;                         
He suffered through life a great lack.                      
He knew whence he came                                      
And felt a great shame,                                     
So he looked for a way to go back.                          
                                                            
19107 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-2128



She started to fondle and grope;                            
"My god! It's so huge! I can't cope!                        
It's ENORMOUS", she cried.                                  
And he laughed and replied,                                 
That's my leg you've got hold of, you dope."                
                                                            
19108 CONGRESS - INEPT               Peter Wilkins            



A supine young lady in Ewing                                
Was curious what he was doing                               
As he rocked to and fro                                     
On her fulcrum below,                                       
So she asked, "Are you gumming or gooing?"                  
                                                            
19109 CONGRESS - INEPT               Hugh Oliver         A076A



He thought he was master and lord;                          
And kept pumping her with his sword --                      
She moaned, not from passion,                               
But because he kept bashin'                                 
Her poor head against the headboard!                        
                                                            
19110 CONGRESS - INEPT               Kaylin                   



He banged her until he came gushin'                         
And gave her poor head a good crushin'.                     
Thank goodness he's spent;                                  
Her neck is quite bent,                                     
But worst of all is the concussion.                         
                                                            
19111 CONGRESS - INEPT               Karen                    



I give her big ass a fine smack,                            
Then tell her to roll on her back.                          
I look in her eyes                                          
And say, "Spread your thighs!"                              
Then I proceed to fuck her crack!                           
                                                            
19112 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



I'm so fat when I'm lying in bed;                           
Need a stick just to play with the head.                    
I was playing around                                        
When my wife found                                          
That I had fucked my own navel instead.                     
                                                            
19113 CONGRESS - INEPT               California Marty         



A simple young lady named Schust                            
From her mother had learned not to lust.                    
She married 'midst fears,                                   
And for thirty-five years                                   
She fucked in great shame and disgust.                      
                                                            
19114 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-2282



A TV talk-show man named Herschel                           
Is date-rated "quite controversial."                        
His dates think it sick,                                    
His withdrawing his prick                                   
To briefly insert a commercial.                             
                                                            
19115 CONGRESS - INEPT               Jim Weaver Collection    



An Irish lass named Carol Flynn                             
Invited her beau to begin.                                  
He jumped her and pumped her,                               
And finally dumped her,                                     
For asking, "Hey, Sean, is it in?"                          
                                                            
19116 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



A boastful young fellow named Hartley                       
Had fucked an old dowager smartly,                          
And he bragged to express                                   
His sexual excess,                                          
But she claimed that he fucked her just partly.             
                                                            
19117 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0189



To his girl, a young fellow named Fred                      
Said "Darling, let's both fuck in bed."                     
But the lady replied,                                       
"Not until I'm a bride,                                     
But I'll let you put in just the head."                     
                                                            
19118 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0156



So Fred dropped his pants to the floor                      
And over his girl he did soar,                              
And his pecker he urged                                     
Till the head was submerged,                                
But her mother saw all through the door.                    
                                                            
19119 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0157



The mother observed with remorse                            
And she kicked Freddy's ass with such force                 
That his prick sailed on through,                           
Split the hymen in two,                                     
And Fred blew his wad like a horse.                         
                                                            
19120 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0158



Though mother the marriage did thwart.                      
There still was bad news to report.                         
To the daughter forlorn,                                    
An infant was born;                                         
As for Fred, he was sued for support.                       
                                                            
19121 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0159



The old lady's charges were filed                           
That her daughter by Fred was defiled.                      
The facts were extruded                                     
And the jury concluded                                      
That the mother had fathered the child!                     
                                                            
19122 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0160



Jack Henderson mused as he cacked,                          
"It's really a very strange fact                            
That my mind seems to fix on                                
The thought of Joan Dickson                                 
Performing the sexual act."                                 
                                                            
19123 CONGRESS - INEPT               Jim Weaver Collection    



A bimbo with avoirdupois                                    
Was madly in love with a boy.                               
As thin as a rail,                                          
He grew deathly pale:                                       
When they screwed he received little joy.                   
                                                            
19124 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



There was a young fellow from Bingham,                      
Whose girl had to run off and bring 'im                     
A new set of tweeds,                                        
While he hid in the weeds,                                  
Where he'd lost his while jigging her thingum.              
                                                            
19125 CONGRESS - INEPT               John Ciardi              



To Joe Dong said the well-spread Miss Tootle,               
Whose sex bouts so far had been futile,                     
"Up to now , men I've tried                                 
Left me unsatisfied,                                        
But if any root can, why your root'll."                     
                                                            
19126 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   G0472



He tried with his Ronco extender,                           
Much sexual heat to engender.                               
'Twas not so fantastic,                                     
They got melted plastic                                     
All stuck on each other's pudenda.                          
                                                            
19127 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



All cuddled up -- just like two worms.                      
One certain part lengthens and firms.                       
My heart -- it does flips.                                  
I offer my lips --                                          
"Ewww!  Don't kiss me!  You might have germs!"              
                                                            
19128 CONGRESS - INEPT               Marlene Lewis            



A devout but ambiguous maid,                                
Liked to play with the boys.  Having played,                
She feared for her soul,                                    
But believed on the whole,                                  
She was not lost, but only mislaid.                         
                                                            
19129 CONGRESS - INEPT               John Ciardi              



Copulation causes no strain,                                
On my sometimes forgetful brain.                            
I can do that with ease,                                    
My brain doesn't freeze,                                    
Unless I've had too much champagne.                         
                                                            
19130 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



More practice is called for old Jack;                       
Up down up down up down whack whack.                        
It shall end up up,                                         
Or a whack on the butt,                                     
Is all that you'll get and a smack.                         
                                                            
19131 CONGRESS - INEPT               Jim Weaver Collection    



At the Firemen's Convention Miss Gump                       
Asked a fireman to give her a jump.                         
Without thinking she chose                                  
A young man with a hose,                                    
When she needed a man who could pump.                       
                                                            
19132 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0184



I don't expect much from a man.                             
I'd like more than flash-in-the-pan.                        
If he lasts all night,                                      
That would be alright.                                      
Do you think that any man can?                              
                                                            
19133 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



I'd offer to last the whole night,                          
At my age 'twould be a delight.                             
But it might be boring                                      
Because of my snoring;                                      
The volume would cause you a fright.                        
                                                            
19134 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



My true love for you has not died.                          
I cherish it here, deep inside.                             
But, you're still a jerk                                    
And you'll have to work                                     
At getting back on my good side.                            
                                                            
19135 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



Just keep on a-priming it, Franky;                          
I hear that your nickname is Spanky.                        
And now I know why,                                         
Because though you try                                      
To get pussy, you only get wanky.                           
                                                            
19136 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



A hotblooded young Eskimo                                   
Tried to screw his beloved in the snow.                     
But on finding it froze                                     
He abruptly arose                                           
Saying, "If I can't come, I must go."                       
                                                            
19137 CONGRESS - INEPT               Hugh Oliver          113b



There was a young dumbbell in Mensa                         
Whose girls found his blunders intense-a.                   
Instead of hard swinking,                                   
In bed he'd be thinking                                     
Of square roots and suchlike nonsense-a.                    
                                                            
19138 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   G2424



Right now I'm enjoying a piece                              
Of someone I'm calling my Niece,                            
But sad to relate,                                          
I haven't to date,                                          
Secured my orgasmic release.                                
                                                            
19139 CONGRESS - INEPT               SFA                      



A middle-aged codger named Bruin,                           
Found his love life completely a-ruin.                      
For he flirted with flirts                                  
Wearing pants and no skirts,                                
And he never got in for no screwin'.                        
                                                            
19140 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   L0012



A wary young lady named Kay,                                
Five inches of cock took one day.                           
Her lover had six                                           
But she told him no tricks,                                 
For her mother said not all the way.                        
                                                            
19141 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0229



To the ladies, a fellow named Packenham                     
Said, "Your pussies have far too much slack in 'em.         
But the ladies, chagrined,                                  
Said, "You big bag of wind!                                 
It's your prick! It does not have the knack in him."        
                                                            
19142 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0569



She wanted a quickie divorce,                               
For her husband had neither the force                       
Nor the stamina, length,                                    
The rigidity, strength,                                     
Nor the thickness and width of a horse.                     
                                                            
19143 CONGRESS - INEPT               Peter Wilkins            



She found reason two, she could use                         
To rid herself of his small fuse.                           
She said to the court                                       
Without frail retort,                                       
"Like the horse, he fucks wearing shoes!"                   
                                                            
19144 CONGRESS - INEPT               Travis Brasell           



There once was a young boy named Caesar,                    
Who thought he was quite the woman pleaser.                 
He thought he could fuck,                                   
But his love-making sucked,                                 
So he turned out to be just a teaser.                       
                                                            
19145 CONGRESS - INEPT               Anon                     



His withered dick                                           
Ain't worth a lick,                                         
And he wets his balls                                       
When nature calls,                                          
So sex with him ain't worth the prick!                      
                                                            
19146 CONGRESS - INEPT               Jim Weaver Collection    



An obese old broker named Kip,                              
Took a very fat girl on a trip.                             
He was talking of stock,                                    
As he put in his cock,                                      
At the end, she said, "Thanks for the tip."                 
                                                            
19147 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



There was a young fellow named Wayne,                       
Who's too dumb to come out of the rain.                     
He has learned, more or less,                               
How to lift a girl's dress,                                 
More than that is too much for his brain.                   
                                                            
19148 CONGRESS - INEPT               Isaac Asimov             



"Never dreamed," averred thespian Chris,                    
After one night of conjugal bliss,                          
"My performance might cause                                 
An outburst of applause,                                    
But I didn't expect you to hiss!"                           
                                                            
19149 CONGRESS - INEPT               Pierce Evans             



There was a young lady named Linning                        
Who after some wining and ginning,                          
Agreed to play ball                                         
And in bed she did crawl.                                   
But she was only good for one inning.                       
                                                            
19150 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0243



"Now listen, young girl," said McPhett,                     
You tell me your cunt is all wet.                           
Yet when I shove, you squirm,                               
Waste my boiling hot sperm --                               
You don't want to fuck, only sweat!"                        
                                                            
19151 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



One evening a matron named Potter,                          
Was debauched by a young squire who caught her,             
In the depths of her garden.                                
Having done, he begged pardon,                              
Saying, "Oops! I meant that for your daughter!"             
                                                            
19152 CONGRESS - INEPT               John Ciardi              



Though sex is my favorite leisure,                          
And gold in them hills, I do treasure,                      
I'm through with prospectin'                                
'Cause now I'm rejectin'                                    
The pain that has followed my pleasure.                     
                                                            
19153 CONGRESS - INEPT               Cubby                    



I'm sorry that sex is a pain,                               
And has driven you very insane.                             
If tunnels cave in,                                         
Don't go where you have been --                             
Go open-pit mining for gain.                                
                                                            
19154 CONGRESS - INEPT               Marlene Lewis            



I'm an expert in open-pit mining;                           
It all starts with wining and dining.                       
When I find a good pit,                                     
As I yesterday did,                                         
It's always one with a pink lining.                         
                                                            
19155 CONGRESS - INEPT               Dirruk                   



My woodie's so small that I must                            
Seek tightness in bung or 'tween bust.                      
My hands wholly full,                                       
I push clench and pull,                                     
'Till something resists while I thrust.                     
                                                            
19156 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



Miss Jane was extremely provoking,                          
With her halitositical sucking.                             
She'd stink in her kissing,                                 
And fart when she's pissing,                                
And pee in the midst of her fucking.                        
                                                            
19157 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   G1438



There once was a handsome young sheik,                      
With a marvelous penile physique.                           
Its length and its weight,                                  
Made it seem really great,                                  
But he fell very short on technique.                        
                                                            
19158 CONGRESS - INEPT               Isaac Asimov             



Young Norman, as ever resourceful                           
And hung like a horse, was remorseful;                      
He'd punctured the dollies                                  
That gave him his jollies                                   
By being too eagerly forceful.                              
                                                            
19159 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



Now feel sorry for poor old Dan,                            
Silly misguided Rabbitman.                                  
Mistaken for Thumper,                                       
He chose to hump her                                        
With never a tit in his hand.                               
                                                            
19160 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



A space-shuttle pilot named Gentry,                         
Made love to a lovely girl sentry.                          
She started to pout,                                        
Because it fell out.                                        
But the mission was saved by re-entry.                      
                                                            
19161 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



There was a young fellow named Hitchin,                     
Who was screwing the maid in the kitchen.                   
When his ass got too close ter                              
The red-hot stove toaster,                                  
He woke up the house with his bitchin'.                     
                                                            
19162 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   G2023



There was a young woman named Golda                         
Whose lovers grew colda and colda.                          
For during love making,                                     
She'd sing the earth-shaking                                
Love theme from Tristan und Isolde.                         
                                                            
19163 CONGRESS - INEPT               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young girl named McKinnon                       
Who spent so much time in her sinnin',                      
She did not have an hour                                    
For a bath or a shower,                                     
And she never had time to change linen.                     
                                                            
19164 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0266



There was a young fellow named Howe                         
Who married some slatternly sow;                            
He was sick of the hunt                                     
For the really good cunt,                                   
But he'd sure like his share of it now!                     
                                                            
19165 CONGRESS - INEPT               Armand E Singer        47



There once was a girl named Betty,                          
Who wanted to play with my Freddie.                         
So we hopped into bed;                                      
I gave her some head,                                       
But she ended up with Eddie!                                
                                                            
19166 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



A lively young lady named Lou                               
Rebuked the young man of Purdue;                            
"I've had better, methinks,                                 
In a crypt in the Sphinx                                    
Where the Pharaoh was quicker than you."                    
                                                            
19167 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0246



A passionate lady named Minter                              
Was screwed on a park bench in winter.                      
But she failed to take care                                 
To find one in repair,                                      
And her fanny was pierced by a splinter.                    
                                                            
19168 CONGRESS - INEPT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0269



Have you heard of Professor MacKay,                         
Who lays all the girls in the hay?                          
Though he thinks it's romantic,                             
He drives them all frantic,                                 
By talking a wonderful lay.                                 
                                                            
19169 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   L1298



They're rolling around in the grass                         
And she has her hand on his ass.                            
He can barely breathe!                                      
He wishes she'd leave.                                      
That will teach him to aim his pass!                        
                                                            
19170 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



Similar significance semantical                             
Can be got from review not pedantical;                      
As a first exercise,                                        
Please make a few tries                                     
At getting "laid off" - think romantical.                   
                                                            
19171 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



There was a young man of Tyburnia,                          
Who was fucking a girl with a hernia.                       
When he shot in her twat                                    
Why, she also shot                                          
All over him!  Wouldn't that burn ya?                       
                                                            
19172 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   L1228



Lord Fletcher was lovin' a lot,                             
And was testing his skills on a cot.                        
But poor Lady Fletcher                                      
Was put on a stretcher                                      
And carried away in a knot.                                 
                                                            
19173 CONGRESS - INEPT               Carl Ludvig         P0206



A horny musician named Biddle                               
Indulged in a slight taradiddle;                            
When Mrs. O'Day                                             
Beseeched him to play,                                      
He left it unclear how he'd fiddle.                         
                                                            
19174 CONGRESS - INEPT               Armand E Singer       480



An author of very bad verse,                                
At screwing, was found to be worse.                         
When he dove for her bush,                                  
Caught his tongue in her tush,                              
An act that was very perverse.                              
                                                            
19175 CONGRESS - INEPT               Stan                     



I can't think of anything sadder                            
Than Joe, when he thought he had had her.                   
His great paroxysm                                          
Which should have shot jism,                                
Disgracefully voided his bladder.                           
                                                            
19176 CONGRESS - INEPT               Anon                     



For you, it's slam bam and thank you?                       
No foreplay, just jump in and screw?                        
That can't be much fun,                                     
For your wife there, hon,                                   
When making love, usually takes two.                        
                                                            
19177 CONGRESS - INEPT                                        



There once was a old man, a Scot,                           
Too onery to piss in a pot.                                 
So late every night,                                        
When his bladder got tight,                                 
He filled up his old lady's twat.                           
                                                            
19178 CONGRESS - INEPT                                   G1448



Her lover had drunk too much beer;                          
He couldn't tell front from her rear.                       
To stop all his fumbling                                    
And frustrated mumbling,                                    
She said, "You just push and I'll steer."                   
                                                            
19179 CONGRESS - INEPT               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



There was a young lady named Glubb,                         
Whose man was a dud and did flub.                           
She said, "I declare                                        
I'm not getting my share;                                   
Let us meet with the Rotary Club."                          
                                                            
19180 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin   3024-2094



A pious old maid named Matilda                              
Said the idea of sex never thrilled her.                    
She was good every day,                                     
So when she passed away,                                    
It had to be boredom that killed her,                       
                                                            
19181 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Lims For Erudite    P0205



I'm afraid one can hardly suppose                           
A presence as boring as Joe's.                              
When he's finally led                                       
A girl into bed,                                            
She promptly falls into a doze.                             
                                                            
19182 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Isaac Asimov             



"Oh, Mark, you are great, I am fainting!                    
You sure lost no time re-acquainting.                       
There were things I forbid;                                 
You unbridled my id.                                        
Did you know that the ceiling needs painting?"              
                                                            
19183 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



Last night left me feeling quite faint,                     
But this would try even a saint.                            
We rolled and we rocked                                     
And then I was shocked!                                     
I noticed the ceiling needs paint!                          
                                                            
19184 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Karen                    



My passion you killed with a rush;                          
You dampened my ardor and crushed.                          
You've caused me much vex;                                  
Forget about sex.                                           
Just go find the damned painting brush.                     
                                                            
19185 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Spinner                  



I'm watching the ceiling above                              
While Charlie goes on about love.                           
To him it's a verb --                                       
So I won't disturb                                          
Him by giving him a hard shove...                           
                                                            
19186 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



...Off this bed and onto the floor                          
He'd ask, "What did you do that for?                        
Now I have lost count!                                      
I'll have to remount,                                       
While recalculating my score."                              
                                                            
19187 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



There was a young fellow of Wheeling                        
Who jumped into bed with great feeling                      
To his dear wife outspread.                                 
She looked up and said,                                     
"I believe there's some dirt on the ceiling."               
                                                            
19188 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0378



My sexlife is pretty humdrum.                               
When I'm ready and want spouse to plumb,                    
He says, "Wait a minute--                                   
I've hardly got in it--"                                    
Then before I begin, he's come.                             
                                                            
19189 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                           G0096



Said the wife of the great intellectual:                    
"My problem is quite frankly sexual.                        
When for Hubby I pant,                                      
He just quotes Will Durant,                                 
And remains in the sack, ineffectual."                      
                                                            
19190 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                           G0097



An Arkie took his daughter named Jill                       
To see Doc 'bout the birth control pill;                    
"Eleven?"  Doc won-                                         
der'd, "She's active this young?"                           
"Naw, just like her maw, she lies still."                   
                                                            
19191 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



To her husband, old Mrs. Magoo                              
Said, "I'm beat and too tired to screw."                    
Said her husband, discreet,                                 
"While I stick in the meat                                  
Please lay still like you usually do."                      
                                                            
19192 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0254



A man far from home, name of Russell                        
Engaged a young maid for a tussle.                          
"I am homesick," he said,                                   
"So lay down as if dead                                     
And do not move a tit or a muscle."                         
                                                            
19193 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin   3024-2273



To ask why men never bed Dotty,                             
Is a question that's not very knotty.                       
Her form, though alluring,                                  
And cheap at procuring,                                     
Is, alack, in the sack, a dead body.                        
                                                            
19194 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Bob Giandomenico    P9707



She was bold, she was hot, she was willing --               
He was winter-ice-cold, grim and chilling.                  
She said, "Get your device."                                
He said "One will suffice."                                 
All the while she just stared at the ceiling.               
                                                            
19195 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Nik Synytskyy            



There was a young lady of Glosting                          
Whose man was a dud and exhausting.                         
He fucked her so bad                                        
That whene'er she was had,                                  
She needed all day for defrosting.                          
                                                            
19196 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0169



The wife of a fellow named Gore,                            
Was so simple that sex was a bore.                          
So he prayed on his knees                                   
And said, "Lord help me, please,                            
What I need is a dirty old whore."                          
                                                            
19197 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin            



I must break with my poor fiance,                           
Though he calls me at least one a day,                      
Whispers sweet nothings for hours,                          
Sends me candy and flowers;                                 
It's too bad he's no good in the hay.                       
                                                            
19198 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Robin K. Willoughby P8405



He complained of his girlfriend's frigidity;                
She replied, "Now consider your quiddity;                   
I don't want to sound hammy                                 
But your touch is so clammy;                                
You don't generate heat, just humidity.                     
                                                            
19199 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Armand E Singer       168



My ex-husband was really a bum,                             
He knew not how to use his tongue;                          
All he did, made me itch,                                   
With no erotic twitch,                                      
And of orgasms, never had none!                             
                                                            
19200 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Jim Weaver Collection    



Though I may be blond, I'm not dumb;                        
His hands and lips made me numb.                            
I said "Hit the road jack,                                  
Without turning back!                                       
I'll find someone who can make me come!"                    
                                                            
19201 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Jim Weaver Collection    



Mary Anne has a sweet girlish giggle,                       
But just lay there; would not even wiggle.                  
Though I wore out my bone,                                  
She was cold as a stone,                                    
And gave less response than a pig'll.                       
                                                            
19202 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       John Miller              



There was a young man of Orillia                            
Who wrote in his memorabilia,                               
"Her lack of response                                       
Has me pounding my sconce --                                
Our loving suggests necrophilia."                           
                                                            
19203 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       John E Mayhood      P0800



There was a young woman named Thed;                         
The girl was an artist in bed.                              
In a mirror she'd look,                                     
Perhaps in a book;                                          
She'd just paint self-portraits and read.                   
                                                            
19204 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       W. Haskins               



I've been through nightmares and bed-wetting;               
Found puberty rather upsetting.                             
But as long as I live,                                      
I'll never forgive                                          
Those women who screw without sweating.                     
                                                            
19205 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Sweet F A                



A Jewish maiden one night,                                  
In the throes of mad passion's delight,                     
Was heard to exclaim                                        
While Hymie Bloom came,                                     
"That ceiling should be eggshell white."                    
                                                            
19206 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



There once was a wily old Scot,                             
Who took a young girl on his yacht.                         
Too lazy to rape her,                                       
He made darts out of paper,                                 
Which he languidly tossed at her twat.                      
                                                            
19207 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                           L1533



There was a young man from Bay Head,                        
Who took a young lady to bed.                               
He hoped she would kiss,                                    
Climax him to bliss;                                        
She read an old Playboy instead.                            
                                                            
19208 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



There was a young athlete named Vero;                       
In sports he was known as a hero.                           
But his wife did so dread                                   
To get into bed;                                            
It was there that he scored a big zero.                     
                                                            
19209 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin       P8306



I should have known better than hoe it;                     
A girl who's been fucked by a poet,                         
Has suffered such strains                                   
From iambic quatrains,                                      
She's been bored to death. I should know it.                
                                                            
19210 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



There was a young man from the West                         
Who fucked with his wife with great zest.                   
He discerned a slight motion                                
And with tone of devotion,                                  
"Did I hurt you?" he queried, distressed.                   
                                                            
19211 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0376



If I lay and contemplate sex,                               
Then his concentration it wrecks.                           
It is so revealing                                          
That on this rooms' ceiling                                 
I've counted one million six specks.                        
                                                            
19212 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



"Look Samuel; the ceiling is peeling."                      
"Oh bugger!" said Samuel with feeling,                      
"I'm stuffing your muff."                                   
"Are you really? Well tough;                                
Would you spray-paint that crack in the ceiling?"           
                                                            
19213 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Peter Wilkins            



A Victorian lady named Lytton,                              
Treated much like a sexual kitten,                          
Said, "Don't worry one bit,                                 
If they make you submit,                                    
Grit your teeth and keep thinking of Britain."              
                                                            
19214 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Armand E Singer        14



A horny young major named Riggle                            
Took out a cute nurse for a jiggle.                         
She said, "Christ, what a screw!                            
All the bastard could do                                    
Was three little jerks and a wiggle."                       
                                                            
19215 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                           G0172



To her mother said sorrowful Dagmar,                        
"My social life's simply a drag, ma.                        
Of my men, there are two                                    
Who don't know how to screw,                                
And the third one is simply a fag, ma."                     
                                                            
19216 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Isaac Asimov             



A lobsterman from way Down East                             
Thought that at the very least,                             
The old whore from Bangor                                   
Should stir from her langour,                               
While they made the two-backed beast.                       
                                                            
19217 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Forrer                         
Who looked for a man to restore her.                        
With her spouse so inept                                    
She would rather he slept,                                  
For she called him the Great Unexplorer.                    
                                                            
19218 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0150



There was an old man from Peru,                             
Who asked his young wife if she'd screw.                    
She assumed the position,                                   
Stating her one condition,                                  
"Wake me up just as soon as you're through."                
                                                            
19219 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Bob Birch           P0107



Oh Heavens! I am sorry, pet;                                
And this I most truly regret.                               
I've now hurt your feeling,                                 
By watching the ceiling;                                    
But, I couldn't see the TV set.                             
                                                            
19220 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED       Karen                    



One thousand one hundred and ten!                           
Don't talk!  Now I must start again!                        
The dots on the ceiling                                     
Are much more appealing,                                    
Than Barbie's old eunuch friend, Ken.                       
                                                            
19221 CONGRESS - INEPT - BORED                                



Said an angry young lady of Frandal:                        
"Your sexual effort's a scandal!                            
That short, feeble poke                                     
Was a horrible joke.                                        
Now I'm sorry I burned up my candle!"                       
                                                            
19222 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK                       G2130



There once was an upcoming lad,                             
Full of juice, but a bit of a cad.                          
Once he got off his rocks,                                  
He would put on his socks,                                  
And sneer, "Well, I guess you've been had!"                 
                                                            
19223 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   John Ciardi              



"I'm sorry, dear Darling - you hurt me.                     
You surely forgot to alert me                               
To ready the lube.                                          
Your slim little tube                                       
Has caused a great pain to insert'n me."                    
                                                            
19224 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK                            



A young, confident bridegoom named Hughes,                  
Told his bride, "You've got nothing to lose,                
'Cause I'm pure dynamite!"                                  
She said, "You may be right,                                
But I fear you might have a short fuse!"                    
                                                            
19225 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK                            



The bride gave her groom the old nod,                       
And showed him her curvy young bod;                         
When he saw her twat,                                       
Right there on the spot,                                    
His 'dynamite' blew up it's wad.                            
                                                            
19226 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK                            



The girl called her boyfriend "Slick-shooter,"              
So quick on the draw was the brute; her                     
Frustration to solve, her                                   
Man tried a "Revolver,"                                     
So high-calibre, he's now a neuter.                         
                                                            
19227 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Robin K. Willoughby P8412



The militia who guard Watkins Glen,                         
Embrace local girls now and then.                           
So quick were they done,                                    
That the girls had no fun.                                  
So that's why they're called "minute men"                   
                                                            
19228 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



The piteous plaint of a maid                                
Is often that she's been betrayed:                          
"I feel so bereft --                                        
He screwed me, then left."                                  
But she's not really lost, just mislaid.                    
                                                            
19229 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Norm Storer              



A teenage slut from Verdun                                  
Said to her boyfriend, "We're done!                         
I may not be bright                                         
But I know what I like,                                     
And you're finished before I've begun."                     
                                                            
19230 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Snaggletooth             



A dirty young fellow named Dick                             
Would tease with his hard, horny prick.                     
He'd leave his mate steaming                                
But leave before creaming;                                  
He was a most mean dirty trick.                             
                                                            
19231 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A vulgar and loathsome young slob                           
Defiled an old spinster named Cobb.                         
She called for some help                                    
To lay hands on this whelp,                                 
For he hadn't completed his job.                            
                                                            
19232 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Albin Chaplin   3024-1393



The thoughts of the Playboy on sex                          
Are seldom if ever complex.                                 
He comes in a trice                                         
Which is not very nice,                                     
And not what his Bunny expects.                             
                                                            
19233 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK                       G0181



They say I'm a sexual dunce,                                
'Cause I don't perform cunning stunts.                      
But is it a sin                                             
To just bang it in?                                         
Three minutes; I haven't come once.                         
                                                            
19234 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Tony Burrell             



I made love to Pam when she beckoned.                       
I finished, she threw me out, reckoned                      
At sex I'm no good.                                         
How could she conclude                                      
Such a thing after only ten seconds.                        
                                                            
19235 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Tiddy Ogg                



The suffering wives must endure                             
Husbands whose loving is poor.                              
When after they've wed,                                     
Too often in bed                                            
Are PRECIPITATE and premature.                              
                                                            
19236 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Chris Papa               



"Embarrassed" is my middle name;                            
The look of my face is of shame.                            
'Twas to be an all-nighter;                                 
I had sworn to delight her,                                 
But on entry preemptively came.                             
                                                            
19237 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Bob Birch           P0302



A self-centered young fellow named Newcombe,                
Who seduced many girls but made few come,                   
Said, "The pleasures of tail                                
Were ordained for the male.                                 
I've had mine.  Do I care whether you come."                
                                                            
19238 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK                       L1624



A guy who was too quick to come,                            
Was selfish to boot, and then some.                         
Each gal he'd berate                                        
For finishing late,                                         
Then scat, with the utmost aplomb.                          
                                                            
19239 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Chris Papa               



A girlie named Shirley from Burley,                         
Was lovely, with hair long and curly.                       
We lay in the flax,                                         
But I reached my climax                                     
Too early and Shirley grew surly.                           
                                                            
19240 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Coolbreeze               



To come early is such a darn shame.                         
When with a nice little dame,                               
She could be real nice                                      
By licking it twice.                                        
It'll make a soft cock rise again.                          
                                                            
19241 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Coolbreeze               



The first time a pussy I sighted,                           
I became suddenly excited.                                  
I was put in my place                                       
With a beet-reddish face,                                   
'Cause my rocket had too soon ignited.                      
                                                            
19242 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Dirruk                   



She was a young virginal bride                              
Until the groom slipped it inside.                          
He quickly pulled out                                       
And said "Honey, look out!....                              
Well, I'm done, are you satisfied?"                         
                                                            
19243 CONGRESS - INEPT - TOO QUICK   Anon                     



A self-confessed sex hound named Nailer                     
Dragged a girl to his room to assail her.                   
He swore he would screw her,                                
And make her his whoo-er                                    
But at all but a bum-fuck, did fail her.                    
                                                            
19244 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                      G1018



A freshman with visions Elysian,                            
Once screwed a appendix incision.                           
But the girl of his choice,                                 
Could hardly rejoice                                        
At this horrible lack of precision.                         
                                                            
19245 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                      L0333



A hot Piute squaw in Nevada                                 
Got madda and madda and madda.                              
What so dismayed her                                        
Was the Injun who laid her,                                 
For he poked his vast pud in her bladda.                    
                                                            
19246 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                      G0801



It is good when you rock and you roll;                      
But be careful.  If you can't control                       
Your prick when it's drilling,                              
She might not be willing,                                   
When she winds up with more than one hole.                  
                                                            
19247 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Martin V Jensen          



A nearsighted fellow named Nicky                            
Decided to have just one quickie.                           
In his haste to embrace,                                    
He faced the wrong place,                                   
And got his dohickey all ickey.                             
                                                            
19248 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Pierce Evans             



Mable announced at Mahjongg:                                
My husband's dick is too long.                              
I don't mean to be crass...                                 
Sex is a pain in the ass."                                  
Old Gert cried, "You're doing it wrong!"                    
                                                            
19249 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  John K. Roberts     P9302



I'm famous for liking to bung;                              
My member in bushes well-sprung.                            
But if I should miss                                        
That vaginal kiss,                                          
My dong will be covered in dung.                            
                                                            
19250 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  SFA                      



A near-sighted fellow named Nicky,                          
Decided to have just one quickie.                           
In his haste to embrace,                                    
He faced the wrong place,                                   
And got his dohicky all icky.                               
                                                            
19251 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                           



An accident prone fellow, Nick,                             
Attempting coitus too quick,                                
Hit flesh in between                                        
The holes of Eileen,                                        
And now wears a sling on his dick.                          
                                                            
19252 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Irving Superior     P9404



There was a young girl named McGruder                       
Said to the nocturnal intruder,                             
"I should turn on the light                                 
To be sure you aim right,                                   
For the last time you went in my tooter!"                   
                                                            
19253 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Grand Prix Lim  411      



I had been quite unaware                                    
That all women were longing to share                        
Their most private goodies,                                 
With three or four woodies,                                 
And, preferably, in the derriere.                           
                                                            
19254 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                           



In addition, girls love to get scummy                       
If you stop and then shoot on their tummy;                  
They enjoy rubbing gook                                     
In each cranny and nook,                                    
Then licking their fingers with, "Nummy!".                  
                                                            
19255 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                           



I always take care with my bone;                            
It seeks out a moist hole for home.                         
I aim for that slit                                         
Just above where you sit --                                 
But my cock's got a mind of it's own!                       
                                                            
19256 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                           



A lady named Marjorie Cole                                  
Placed this ad today [personal]:                            
"I've got just the crude                                    
For some Oiler dude,                                        
If only he'll drill the right hole!"                        
                                                            
19257 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Gearhart                 



There was a young girl, a Norwegian,                        
Went to bed with a kinky Glaswegian.                        
She said to him, "Jock                                      
Whyever's your cock                                         
Exploring my nethermost region."                            
                                                            
19258 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Alexander Baron          



There once was a woman called Jane,                         
For whom sex was too much of a pain.                        
When her boyfriend called Lars                              
Rammed his cock up her arse,                                
She vowed never to do it again.                             
                                                            
19259 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Anon                     



She bounced from the bed in dejection                       
And said of his lower half section:                         
"You boast that your post                                   
Is the toast of the coast,                                  
But you can't even make a connection!"                      
                                                            
19260 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Grand Prix Lim  662      



"Nearsighted Don Juan," he was named;                       
Girls' scorn made him feel so ashamed,                      
But he had to admit,                                        
He rarely did hit                                           
The targets at which he had aimed.                          
                                                            
19261 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Armand E Singer       554



If a girl will not give in an inch,                         
And from moral behavior won't flinch,                       
And she finds it too crass                                  
To be fucked up the ass,                                    
Then her armpit will do in a pinch.                         
                                                            
19262 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Albin Chaplin   3024-0712



To the doctor, a fellow named Long                          
Said his wife had objections so strong --                   
Though he fucked her first class,                           
'Twas a pain in the ass.                                    
Said the doc, "You are doing it wrong!"                     
                                                            
19263 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Albin Chaplin   3024-2992



There once was a girl, Judith Smiles,                       
Who went out one night on the tiles.                        
But she made a mistake                                      
With a sailor named Drake,                                  
Who missed and punctured her piles.                         
                                                            
19264 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Anon                     



Let me tell you about my old chum,                          
The one who is incredibly dumb.                             
When he went for a screw,                                   
He didn't know what to do,                                  
So he ended up giving her bum.                              
                                                            
19265 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                           



Anne urged on the young man astride her,                    
To hurry and get it inside her.                             
He was hung like a horse                                    
And had to use force;                                       
Now Annie is sadder but wider.                              
                                                            
19266 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  John Miller              



That young man made Annie much madder,                      
After the first time he had her.                            
He turned her around                                        
And rode her, face down --                                  
And made Annies wider but sadder.                           
                                                            
19267 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Karrilyn                 



I knew that young girlie called Annie;                      
She liked to be stuffed up the fanny.                       
But that wasn't all,                                        
For I seem to recall                                        
She enjoyed it in every cranny.                             
                                                            
19268 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Peter Wilkins            



When he tried fucking Mame from the rear,                   
She cried, "What are you, a man or a queer?                 
You pick for your hole                                      
My dirty asshole,                                           
When my cunt is so hot and so near!"                        
                                                            
19269 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                      G1038



A girl of refined femininity                                
Decided to lose her virginity.                              
Her man said, "My dear,                                     
Now don't shed a tear,                                      
It's the wrong hole, but in the vicinity."                  
                                                            
19270 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Anon                     



There was a young lady from Sark                            
Who would only make love in the dark.                       
But her boyfriend said, "Hon,                               
Could you loosen your bun?                                  
I can't tell if I'm hitting the mark."                      
                                                            
19271 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                      G1606



There once was a man named O'Malley                         
Who was frigging a lassie named Sally.                      
The first words she spoke,                                  
As he gave her a poke,                                      
Were "Mister, you're right up my alley!"                    
                                                            
19272 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Anon                     



A Roman whose name was Spartillicus                         
Had sex with his girlfriends umbilicus.                     
In spite of strong doubt, he                                
Deflowered her out-sy,                                      
And made in an in-sy, the silly cuss.                       
                                                            
19273 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA                      G2513



A liberal lady from Greer,                                  
Presenting her opulent rear,                                
Was pained to discover                                      
Her hard-driving lover                                      
Was ignorant where he should steer.                         
                                                            
19274 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Hugh Oliver         A106B



A furtive old fellow of Bath                                
Occasioned his mistress's wrath;                            
On commencing to harden,                                    
He entered her garden,                                      
But led her up quite the wrong path.                        
                                                            
19275 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Hugh Oliver         A059A



At the corner of Hollywood-Vine                             
A voice from the crowd murmured "Fine!                      
I've adjusted my drawers                                    
And I'm utterly yours,                                      
But that snatch that you're at isn't mine."                 
                                                            
19276 CONGRESS - INEPT - WRONG AREA  Hugh Oliver         A020A



As he rolled off the young lass, he said,                   
"You're the first one I've had in this bed.                 
But I've had seven more                                     
Down there on the floor,                                    
And fucked forty-three in the shed."                        
                                                            
19277 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Shawn Seabrook           



At the theater, a fellow named Bract                        
And his wife showed a great lack of tact.                   
They engaged in coition                                     
In the first intermission,                                  
Then slept soundly through the last act.                    
                                                            
19278 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Michael Weinstein   P9804



Said a worn-out old tourist in Nome:                        
"Travel may broaden one, in Rome,                           
But you don't need a passport                               
If you're look for ass-sport--                              
There's all you can take, right at home."                   
                                                            
19279 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                G0691



There was a young girl from Taipei                          
Who was voted the Queen of the May.                         
But the pole she went 'round                                
Wasn't stuck in the ground,                                 
But attached to a young man named Wei.                      
                                                            
19280 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                G0466



A sex-crazy robot named Ray                                 
Had sex in the bathtub one day.                             
His circuits eroded,                                        
His ballocks exploded,                                      
And frightened his woman away.                              
                                                            
19281 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Anon                     



There was a young lady of Linz                              
Who went into antics and spins                              
With her Hindu ascetic                                      
And his counsel prophetic,                                  
For he had her on needles and pins.                         
                                                            
19282 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0723



There once were a couple of rockers,                        
Who went out with a bird with big knockers.                 
They wanted to play                                         
And she didn't say nay,                                     
So they took her behind the girls' lockers.                 
                                                            
19283 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



The tale about poor Ms. Lee;                                
She fell for some guy who's N.G.;                           
The story is laid                                           
Just out of Belgrade,                                       
And so, for that matter, was she.                           
                                                            
19284 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Armand E Singer       797



There was a young cowgirl named Haddle                      
Who dated a lad from Seattle.                               
She preferred not to spar                                   
In the back of the car;                                     
She would much rather fuck in the saddle.                   
                                                            
19285 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0705



I dream of that night in Bruxelles                          
With a bevy of Belges all so belles...                      
We dined first on mussles                                   
Then worked our love muscles...                             
My God!  We went off like bombshells!                       
                                                            
19286 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



To MacDonald's would go young Miss Hopper --                
Quarter pounders were in and were proper.                   
But she soon had an itch                                    
For a Burger King switch --                                 
For where else can you get the Big Whopper.                 
                                                            
19287 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-2982



There was a young woman named Gretchen                      
Who's passion was on-the-net bitchin',                      
Till she discovered men                                     
And since then has been                                     
On her back in all rooms but the kitchen.                   
                                                            
19288 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Richard Raffals          



This chandelier swinging's too risky;                       
I did try it once with young Trixie.                        
The thing broke, alas;                                      
She spent hours getting glass                               
From my ass, which she cleaned up with whiskey.             
                                                            
19289 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



There once was a gentleman dapper,                          
Who followed a punk whippersnapper                          
Into the can                                                
According to plan,                                          
And screwed the young man in the crapper.                   
                                                            
19290 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An uppercrust couple, the Chases,                           
Would make love in some outrageous places;                  
In doorways and halls,                                      
Zoos, restaurants, and malls,                               
And even at home in some cases.                             
                                                            
19291 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



Archie has done it in bed.                                  
Sometimes just in his head.                                 
Or on the phone                                             
And often alone.                                            
He may even do it when dead.                                
                                                            
19292 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Ericka                   



9 8 7, 6 5 4, 3 2 1;                                        
I'm afraid that I have just gone                            
And done it once more,                                      
In reverse on the floor,                                    
With a beautiful girl called Yvonne.                        
                                                            
19293 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Prof M-G                 



An old patternmaker named Warbocks,                         
Once screwed an old whore on a core box.                    
And after a flyer                                           
On top of a dryer,                                          
She stayed home for a week with a sore box.                 
                                                            
19294 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-2379



Over in Nepal to the west,                                  
The Gurkhas and Sikhs used to tryst.                        
"Come Singh, lets go prayin',"                              
"He can't, him-a-layin',                                    
Won't be long now, we'll ball with the Brits."              
                                                            
19295 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



There was a mortician named Dauphin,                        
Who preferred to sleep in a coffin.                         
It was there that he tried                                  
To make love to his bride;                                  
And he did, but not very often.                             
                                                            
19296 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Popsicle           TP9807



If you look around in the fall,                             
You'll find folks are having a ball!                        
They're rolling around                                      
With beaus on the ground --                                 
They even do that in the mall!                              
                                                            
19297 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



The Incas who lived in Peru                                 
Had a game they called diddle-dee-doo.                      
It was probably great                                       
But it doesn't translate,                                   
So the details I'll leave up to you.                        
                                                            
19298 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Neal Wilgus         P8305



The sex that we had was quite kinky.                        
And once it was on the golf linky.                          
On the back of a mule,                                      
And once in preschool,                                      
But the best was on my kitchen sinky.                       
                                                            
19299 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man named Purnell,                         
Whose fame will remain immortal.                            
He devisied an emporioum,                                   
A most wondrous sexorium,                                   
And entitled the place a Motel!                             
                                                            
19300 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-2758



I know you will think this quite strange,                   
But my bride will our kitchen arrange;                      
With her clothes on the floor,                              
A night shade by the door,                                  
She'll want to be laid on the range!                        
                                                            
19301 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Mark Levy           P9901



While with sheep I don't like to compete,                   
Your suggestion is really quite neat.                       
But your lay in the hay                                     
Didn't use lingerie.                                        
Nor do I, though I might use a sheet.                       
                                                            
19302 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



A newspaper novice in Norton,                               
Said, "Here's some good news to report on:                  
I've found since I wed                                      
That a lithograph bed                                       
Is not the best bed to disport on."                         
                                                            
19303 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Harold C Bibby           



The love life of many hot wenches                           
Occurs in parked cars and park benches,                     
Porch rockers and bed,                                      
Where they're happy to spread;                              
But do avoid wet-bottomed trenches.                         
                                                            
19304 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Grand Prix Lim  840 G0221



A sextet of nymphs and a satyr,                             
Made love in a stalled elevator,                            
The foyer, the hall,                                        
In the tub, 'gainst the wall,                               
And inside the refrigerator.                                
                                                            
19305 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Wage                         
Whose girl thought that he was the rage.                    
For he placed her ass hairy                                 
On a fat dictionary,                                        
And had one piece of ass on each page.                      
                                                            
19306 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0375



A horny young footman named Dockery,                        
Was screwing a maid on some crockery.                       
Cried the girl, "This is crass!                             
Having shards up one's ass                                  
Makes the service involved just a mockery!                  
                                                            
19307 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



On a date with a lady, young Gore                           
At first thought his girl was a bore                        
For her mother had said                                     
Don't take boys into bed,                                   
But she fucked very well on the floor.                      
                                                            
19308 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0177



A palsied old lady named Blair                              
Found her maid being laid on the stair.                     
She chuckled and said                                       
"It's more fun in bed...                                    
So finish in mine...I don't care."                          
                                                            
19309 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Grand Prix Lim  128      



There once was a couple from Detroit                        
Who at nookie were quite adroit.                            
They banged on the stair                                    
With their usual flair,                                     
And on the lake near Irondequoit                            
                                                            
19310 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



Dear Rosie, the wife of young Ellis,                        
Fell down and she broke her pelvellis.                      
With a cast to her head,                                    
She was no good in bed,                                     
So he screwed his sweet Rose on the trellis.                
                                                            
19311 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0692



A toast to a woman World Cruising,                          
A great writer and friend we are losing.                    
We wish her good luck.                                      
May the men she will fuck                                   
All be of the woman's own choosing.                         
                                                            
19312 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Writerman                



There was a young lady named Ford                           
Who found herself now and then floored,                     
Or bedded, or chaired,                                      
Or top of the staired --                                    
And occasionally revolving doored.                          
                                                            
19313 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Arthur Deex         P9301



While rolling about in the hay                              
With a farmer's nude daughter one day,                      
I was surprised that the bitch                              
Denied any itch,                                            
But claimed to prefer it that way!                          
                                                            
19314 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Norm Storer         P0209



A coffin must be quite expensive.                           
If using for boffin' extensive.                             
I'll rent you a room;                                       
Boff without gloom.                                         
Your boffin' can be more intensive.                         
                                                            
19315 CONGRESS - LOCATION                                     



There once was a lover named Keith                          
Who performed on a funeral wreath.                          
"Though I sometimes get torn                                
By a stem or a thorn,                                       
I get roses to stick 'tween my teeth."                      
                                                            
19316 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Fairway                        
Who looked to be loved in a rare way.                       
She commenced from her bed                                  
Where she stood on her head,.                               
Then had one on each step of the stairway.                  
                                                            
19317 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin            



A dying Lothario named Castle                               
No longer with problems would hassle.                       
So he took a last trip                                      
To that desolate strip                                      
Which bridges the cunt and the asshole.                     
                                                            
19318 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Albin Chaplin   3024-0798



I know that we have caused some stares,                     
While perfecting bonking in pairs.                          
If we get half tight,                                       
We do get it right,                                         
It's just a bit harder on stairs.                           
                                                            
19319 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Cheryl                   



It is Winter outside, the winds roar,                       
While inside, you sneeze and you snore.                     
You can't go canoeing                                       
To get in your screwing,                                    
But a lot can be done on the floor.                         
                                                            
19320 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was this young woman called Mabel                     
Who at table tennis was very able.                          
While playing with boys,                                    
The game with no noise,                                     
Was carried on under the table.                             
                                                            
19321 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Gunjan Saraf             



Let us join in an anathem of gloria                         
In praise of the Waldorf Astoria,                           
Where it's nicer to sin                                     
Than a Holiday Inn --                                       
How I fervently wish they'd builtmoria.                     
                                                            
19322 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Hugh Oliver         A136B



Let's go to the worker's lounge, Dear;                      
There's a comfy big couch there I hear.                     
I think that you need                                       
A massage and indeed,                                       
I can rub from the front or the rear.                       
(Because I brought my special gear.)                        
19323 CONGRESS - LOCATION            Jon Gearhart             



An African hunter named Pace                                
Felt the need for a female embrace.                         
So he looked for a cutie                                    
And he found him a beauty,                                  
With horseshit and flies on her face.                       
                                                            
19324 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-0286



John there's no need to be shy                              
About age if you'd still join mile-high.                    
If given the chance,                                        
I'd, too, do that dance,                                    
And I'm not sixty three, but one shy.                       
                                                            
19325 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Frank                    



But Frank, you just went ballooning,                        
With Marlene, who was crooning,                             
Sweet things in your ear,                                   
(Also shaking with fear),                                   
While your instrument she was tuning.                       
                                                            
19326 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Petunia                  



I asked dear Marlene, "Do it faster."                       
The fear, I'm afraid, never passed her.                     
The balloon did rip;                                        
She bruised her smooth hip;                                 
I thought that the crash has dis-assed her.                 
                                                            
19327 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Frank Fazed              



I remember that incident, Frank.                            
For bruises I have you to thank.                            
If from just a bruise,                                      
My butt I could lose,                                       
I'd come to your house for a spank!                         
                                                            
19328 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Marlene                  



Our ill-fated effort to fly                                 
Has caused me to contemplate why                            
You'd like to reduce                                        
That lovely caboose.                                        
Come over, we'll give it a try.                             
                                                            
19329 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Frank                    



I will need some definite proof                             
That you are not running a spoof.                           
(You could make a big haul                                  
If spanks made a butt small.)                               
Can you guarantee it's foolproof?                           
                                                            
19330 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Marlene                  



This sounds quite painful to me.                            
The things that we do for beauty.                           
I believe I'd find                                          
A smaller behind,                                           
Much better for making whoopee!                             
                                                            
19331 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Marlene                  



Way back there, when I went to school,                      
We were sure to follow this rule:                           
If you have to test,                                        
Then test on the best.                                      
We'd never get proof from a fool.                           
                                                            
19332 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Frank Fazed              



If you have an ample behind,                                
You really should keep this in mind:                        
Some are built for speed,                                   
Some for comfort. Indeed,                                   
Comfort is sometimes hard to find.                          
                                                            
19333 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Frank Fazed              



I still have that girl on the brain                         
And back pain from sexual strain.                           
I've needed some tranks                                     
Since love with the Franks --                               
Fifi on the banks of the Seine.                             
                                                            
19334 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



Said an injured Cousteau, "I implore all                    
Of my divers to stick with sex oral--                       
Having just tried to screw                                  
On a bed, 'neath the blue,                                  
Where the beds, you will note, are of coral!                
                                                            
19335 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Rowdy Jack               



I do like the pleasures bucolic,                            
And scrumpy, that juice alcoholic,                          
And meadows so green,                                       
Where with young Rosie Breen,                               
I'd empty my bollocks in frolic.                            
                                                            
19336 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Tiddy Ogg                



Young Jock did most certainly score,                        
Although he was twelve and no more.                         
With a bucolic tart                                         
Beneath a haycart;                                          
He went home to quite an uproar.                            
                                                            
19337 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Ian                      



With Mitzi o'er moorland I'd ramble.                        
She dropped them without much preamble.                     
Alas the terrain                                            
Caused her to complain,                                     
As out of her ass, I'd pull bramble.                        
                                                            
19338 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Tiddy Ogg                



For nookie without any stop,                                
In brambles, dear, you should not flop.                     
Choose landscape with care                                  
Or when you get bare,                                       
You must then put Mitzi on top!                             
                                                            
19339 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Marlene Lewis            



For sure, I remember young Mitzi,                           
With underwear, itsy and bitsy.                             
She giggled and laughed                                     
As she sat on my shaft,                                     
Saying, "Goodness, how tightly it fits me!"                 
                                                            
19340 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Peter Wilkins            



We've no poison ivy 'round here,                            
But I've tried it your way, Marty dear.                     
But never again;                                            
It was me to complain                                       
'Bout thistle spikes stuck up my rear!                      
                                                            
19341 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Tiddy Ogg                



With Mitzi over moorland I'd ramble,                        
She dropped 'em without much preamble.                      
Alas the terrain                                            
Caused her to complain,                                     
As out of her ass, I pulled brambles.                       
                                                            
19342 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



Said a pious young pair on a hayride                        
Who were dreading the passing of daylight,                  
"When night falls, we will pray                             
For the coming of day,                                      
And meanwhile we will screw by the wayside.                 
                                                            
19343 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Isaac Asimov             



I just met a girl from Peru,                                
Who likes off beat places to screw.                         
We've done it on trains,                                    
In hammocks, on planes,                                     
And next week we'll try a canoe.                            
                                                            
19344 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



Though it seem abnormal, contrary,                          
Love made in a cemetary,                                    
Excited young Mike,                                         
Who found ground he'd like,                                 
Little piece of OSSUARY.                                    
                                                            
19345 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Chris Papa               



There was a young fellow named Tully                        
Who wanted to screw in the gully.                           
But his girl took a stand                                   
With her feet in the sand,                                  
So that none of her clothing would sully.                   
                                                            
19346 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-0364



The by-laws here state that commission                      
Of actions in lieu of coition                               
Viz gentlemen's hard-ons,                                   
Erected in gardens,                                         
Need town council planning permission.                      
                                                            
19347 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Peter Wilkins            



They send out enforcement patrols,                          
Inspecting exposed ladies' holes,                           
Then measure sufficence                                     
And issue a license,                                        
To only the most adequate poles.                            
                                                            
19348 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Tiddy Ogg                



A fine balladeer name of Hawke,                             
Two pennywhistles kept in his sock.                         
An innocent young maid                                      
He took to the shade,                                       
And oh, how that cradle did rock.                           
                                                            
19349 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Carol                    



They parked on the cliff-top one day,                       
And started to have it away,                                
In ecstasy crying:                                          
"It feels like we're flying!"...                            
They were, 'til they crashed in the bay.                    
                                                            
19350 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



KERSPLASH went the sea as they hit.                         
They thought that the dust they had bit.                    
Surprised, they were floating!                              
This car's made for boating?!                               
No, it's just the air in my slit.                           
                                                            
19351 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



At the top of the Tower Eiffel,                             
My ecstatic cries I will yell;                              
A woman reborn                                              
On the tip of your horn,                                    
As you pump in and out of my bell.                          
                                                            
19352 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Jim Weaver Collection    



The prominent Duchess of Pyle                               
Was screwed by a Hindu with style                           
On the banks of Euphrates,                                  
And was screwed with such great ease                        
That she asked for a trial on the Nile.                     
                                                            
19353 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-0305



Thor Hyerdal tested his theory                              
Then published Kon-Tiki.  My query:                         
"Can folks fuck in a tree                                   
Like the wild wallaby?"                                     
Should be tested and tried as severely.                     
                                                            
19354 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Don Moore           P0108



The graveyard was covered with dew                          
And silence with darkness there, too;                       
And there lay Bev Glist,                                    
As still as the mist,                                       
Said she, "Came we here, now let's screw!"                  
                                                            
19355 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Travis Brasell           



In the haystack a lady named Grimes,                        
Recollected her fun in past times.                          
But her quest inconclusive                                  
Found no needle elusive,                                    
Though she did feel the prick several times.                
                                                            
19356 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-2976



There was a young lady named Wanda,                         
Of her boyfriend, could not have been fonder!               
The trouble, she found                                      
He was not always 'round;                                   
He was here, he was there, sometimes yonder.                
                                                            
19357 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Arthur Pattaffy          



I see witty and whisical you,                               
Playing down on the beach, it is true.                      
But land sharks abound,                                     
And splashing around,                                       
Soon will have your nice tool out of view.                  
                                                            
19358 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



Offend this old country boy?  Shucks!                       
Like water that rolls off a duck's                          
Back, so rolls affronts,                                    
Unless, of course, cunts                                    
Won't spread in the bed of my trucks.                       
                                                            
19359 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Travis Brasell           



So, bring on the wine and sweet clover,                     
And I'll pull my pickup truck over,                         
And you jump in back,                                       
And spread your pink crack,                                 
But pay you no mind to old Rover!                           
                                                            
19360 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Travis Brasell           



No dog is allowed in the truck!                             
For fear he might well run amuck.                           
He'll bounce on my boobs,                                   
And wrestle my pubes,                                       
And goodness knows WHAT he will suck!                       
                                                            
19361 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Anon                     



If I was to send Rover runnin',                             
My maid, Fuzzy Peach, would be gunnin'                      
For me, and my crotch                                       
Would soon be a blotch,                                     
'Cause she likes that hound for her funnin'!                
                                                            
19362 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Anon                     



But, since I'm a man of romance,                            
I'll take me a helluva chance                               
And shoo 'way that hound,                                   
If I'll get a round                                         
Of pickup-truck-sex in your pants!                          
                                                            
19363 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Anon                     



A haughty old lord named Sir Barden                         
Once said to his maid, "Beg your pardon,                    
But your manner enticing                                    
Indeed's quite sufficing                                    
To debauch you right her in the garden."                    
                                                            
19364 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin            



A theory of Percival Wirt                                   
Is that things generate in the dirt.                        
To bolster his theory,                                      
He got a girl beery,                                        
And muddily gave her a squirt.                              
                                                            
19365 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Mike Tice                



The leaves on the ground were all wet,                      
As I fucked in the park with Nanette.                       
In autumn's great splendor,                                 
She proved to be tender,                                    
And screwed like I'll never forget!                         
                                                            
19366 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Cap'n Bean          P9811



There once was a lady from Spain                            
Who loved to have sex in the rain.                          
For any man she met,                                        
She was instantly wet;                                      
And a man who refused her: insane.                          
                                                            
19367 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Paul D.                  



Larry and Linda-Louise,                                     
They did it one time in the trees;                          
On their forty-ninth stroke,                                
The branches all broke,                                     
And they came -- falling down on their knees!               
                                                            
19368 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Cap'n bean          P9808



I knew a girl called Mandy;                                 
For sex she was always randy.                               
We'd pump and we'd grind,                                   
And one day we got fined,                                   
For doing in the middle of Tandy!                           
                                                            
19369 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



When doing it on top of Mt. Etna,                           
She definitely fell so much betta                           
To always repose                                            
On some asbestos;                                           
It made her lips stay so much wetta.                        
                                                            
19370 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Ardens                   



A fastidious old man of Alsace                              
Was fucking a girl on the grass,                            
When he noticed a sign:                                     
"If you litter -- pay fine,"                                
So he shoved his cigar up her ass.                          
                                                            
19371 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-2849



There are many good sites for a poke;                       
In seclusion, her quim you can stoke;                       
In some shrubs in the wood,                                 
It can be mighty good,                                      
But make sure that it's not poison oak.                     
                                                            
19372 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Allen Wolverrton         



A devious young fellow was Neville,                         
Possessed of a bit of the devil.                            
He screwed his girl Jill                                    
On the side of a hill,                                      
Which proves he was not on the level.                       
                                                            
19373 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-0277



You shouldn't go rolling in thistle!                        
I'm certain that any young miss'll                          
Prefer your soft bed,                                       
When giving you head,                                       
And trying to pucker your whistle.                          
                                                            
19374 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



I'm glad that it isn't my fate                              
To crawl under bushes to mate.                              
Animals don't mind,                                         
But that is the kind                                        
Of morals that get politicians irate.                       
                                                            
19375 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Marlene                  



A frigid but cute Eskimo                                    
Finally let herself go...                                   
We bounced once or twice                                    
Then paid a stiff price                                     
As our organs just froze on that floe.                      
                                                            
19376 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS TuttaGioia               



I hope that your birthday was grand;                        
Was "sex on the beach" what was planned?                    
That sometimes occurs                                       
(Just watch out for those burrs...                          
And empty your knickers of sand!)                           
                                                            
19377 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Cheryl                   



Don't like no sand in my drawers;                           
It's rough and it hurts and what's mores                    
I stop to brush off                                         
In between boffs.                                           
It's better to do it indoors.                               
                                                            
19378 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Arden                    



There was a young lady named Jane                           
Who fucked in the park with her swain.                      
They were hardy and tough                                   
But did not know enough                                     
That they should have come in from the rain.                
                                                            
19379 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-0218



A much worse boffing site's poison oak;                     
Ever since then, Sue's inclined not  to poke;               
If I smear Calomin-e                                        
All 'round her vagin-e,                                     
Perhaps I can still be her bloke!                           
                                                            
19380 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



"How gross," gagged an esthete named Pete,                  
"To fornicate right in the street;                          
The screeching of brakes                                    
On cars of all makes,                                       
Is worse than the damp summer heat."                        
                                                            
19381 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Armand E Singer       882



There also were overtures grand                             
For those who made love in the sand,                        
For 'twas well within reach                                 
To make love on the beach,                                  
For a sizable group in the land.                            
                                                            
19382 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin            



There was a young girl from Gloucester,                     
Whose parents thought they had lost her.                    
But they found in the grass,                                
The marks of her ass,                                       
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.               
(Published 1870)                                            
19383 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                          



A stately young lady named Stella                           
Was fucked by an agile young fella,                         
While she walked in the rain                                
And without any strain,                                     
'Neath her colorful, fancy umbrella.                        
                                                            
19384 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-0346



To her gardener, a lady called Lillium,                     
Said, "Billy, plant roses and trillium."                    
Then she started to fool                                    
With the gardener's tool,                                   
And wound up in the bed of sweet William.                   
                                                            
19385 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Anon                G0117



Two romantic young lovers, quite horny,                     
Found fucking in bed much to corny.                         
So they wooed in a wood,                                    
Which would have been good                                  
Had the mossy banks not been so thorny.                     
                                                            
19386 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS                     G0094



A vain French hauler named Buck                             
Voiced doubts about whether to fuck:                        
"It's not 'comme il faut',                                  
Much less 'a propos' --                                     
To screw on the bed of a truck."                            
                                                            
19387 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Armand E Singer       723



To a girl, said old carpenter Bing,                         
"Let us go to the woods for a fling.                        
With the tools of my trade                                  
You'll be properly laid,                                    
And a wood screw will be just the thing."                   
                                                            
19388 CONGRESS - LOCATION - OUTDOORS Albin Chaplin   3024-2941



Each day the bean counter would mount her;                  
Accounting is where her boss found her.                     
She was a sweet lass,                                       
But they fired her ass,                                     
When she was caught over the counter.                       
                                                            
19389 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



The bean counter got off scott free,                        
For the good of the small company.                          
He got dirty looks,                                         
But he kept the books --                                    
He knew too much, obviously.                                
                                                            
19390 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



I keep hearing to disgust and chagrin,                      
That Englishmen are taking our women,                       
And that certain states                                     
Will be empty of mates,                                     
For our redblooded, American men.                           
                                                            
19391 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Petunia                  



I read, with regret, lamentation,                           
Of Yank girls luring men from our Nation.                   
Let me volunteer first                                      
To share my best and my worst,                              
With those pondering Anglification.                         
                                                            
19392 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Steevo                   



So I hope we can avert this impasse,                        
And keep English off each US lass.                          
Let them stay in Manchester                                 
And in London, molest her,                                  
While we get our own piece of ass.                          
                                                            
19393 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Steevo                   



I went shopping for clothing today;                         
Some skirts, some red panties for play!                     
Some bras and some hose,                                    
A blouse, I suppose                                         
I must try all these on 'for I pay.                         
                                                            
19394 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



I went to the rooms in the back                             
And hung my clothes on the rack;                            
Began to divest                                             
Myself of my dress,                                         
When I heard a loud creak and a crack!                      
                                                            
19395 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



As I looked up over my head                                 
With trepidation and dread,                                 
A man's hand was feeling                                    
Right through the ceiling,                                  
And behind it, Petey's voice said:                          
                                                            
19396 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



"Petal, my dear, I can't wait!                              
For our regular Friday night date!                          
I need you, my dear,                                        
To fondle my spear --                                       
For it's shrunk and I fear it's too late!                   
                                                            
19397 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



Then you crashed through the ceiling tile,                  
Landing on your butt, in the aisle.                         
Crawled under one curtain;                                  
Whose room? I'm not certain!                                
Finally found me by error and trial.                        
                                                            
19398 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



Why Petal, you're almost quite nude!                        
My spear now is feeling renewed!                            
These mirrors behind me                                     
Have served to remind me:                                   
You can see my reflection protrude.                         
                                                            
19399 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



And there, in the small fitting room,                       
You caused my petals to bloom.                              
With sweet Halloween,                                       
And number thirteen,                                        
All my energy you did consume.                              
                                                            
19400 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



Then you sauntered on out of the store.                     
(You unpredictable man I adore!)                            
Leaving me sighing                                          
And quivery-thigh-ing,                                      
And wishing you'd come back for more.                       
                                                            
19401 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ericka                   



On business, abroad, with my boss,                          
His body on mine he did toss.                               
I remember those cuddles                                    
And warm sticky puddles;                                    
No wonder my husband was cross!                             
                                                            
19402 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Me and the boss have since wed                              
And spent many a long hour in bed.                          
But Dusseldorf by night                                     
Was a beautiful sight;                                      
The memory's forever in my head.                            
                                                            
19403 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Mr. Jones somehow got in a harem;                           
He had balls, and he chose there to bare 'em.               
There arose such a shriek,                                  
He was deaf for a week,                                     
As they fought over how they would share him.               
                                                            
19404 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   John Miller 0054         



He had balls when he came to the harem,                     
And he thought that no one could impair 'em.                
But the ecstatic shriek                                     
Had alerted the sheik,                                      
Who decided he'd no longer wear 'em.                        
                                                            
19405 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   John Miller 0054a        



Now Jones still resides at the harem                        
After efforts were made to prepare him                      
For his job as a guard...                                   
Well, it never gets hard,                                   
And there's girls, though he never can snare 'em.           
                                                            
19406 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   John Miller 0054b        



That meat you inserted was rare,                            
Just the way I like it down there.                          
And that lick was a treat,                                  
On my pretty pink meat;                                     
Now come fuck me again in this chair!                       
                                                            
19407 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES                            



This chair is just big enough for us;                       
With my cock deep in your clitoris,                         
I hope the legs hold.                                       
If they don't and they fold,                                
Our fucking will certainly floor us.                        
                                                            
19408 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES                            



If we should end up on the floor,                           
There's only one thing I'll hope for.                       
That my end stays down,                                     
While you're in my mound,                                   
And you're slamming that cock in me more.                   
                                                            
19409 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES                            



I burn when my rocker you smite;                            
And while clearly not jaundiced but bright,                 
In life, I am yellow;                                       
Dying, still mellow;                                        
But once I am broken, I bite.                               
                                                            
19410 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES                            



A kitchen, of course, needs a stable                        
And solid mahogany table,                                   
At just the right height                                    
For a snack and a bite                                      
Or a quicky with Nikki or Mabel.                            
                                                            
19411 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The kitchen's no doubt mighty strange                       
When you try a new room for a change.                       
While some like the sink,                                   
It give me a kink.                                          
I feel more at home on the range.                           
                                                            
19412 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Irish                    



How many persons are said                                   
To screw in a light bulb, overhead.                         
The answer depends,                                         
Since Californians                                          
Screw in a hot tub instead.                                 
                                                            
19413 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Res Ipsa                 



To screw in a lightbulb's divine,                           
Though to some it appears asinine.                          
But give it a try,                                          
For my partner and I                                        
Got in the bulb naked, just fine.                           
                                                            
19414 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Ellen                    



A living room isn't complete                                
Without candlelight, sofa, and heat;                        
And lying right there                                       
On the carpet, young Clair                                  
(Or whoever) to give you a treat.                           
                                                            
19415 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Irish                    



Now let's not forget a nice fire,                           
To kindle our lasses desire.                                
Some music is nice                                          
For breaking the ice,                                       
And vino with which you can ply her.                        
                                                            
19416 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Irish                    



Been living in this dumb motel.                             
It's not like a fancy hotel,                                
But it's clean and neat                                     
Not like the next street,                                   
Where there is a dirty no-tell.                             
                                                            
19417 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES                            



They rent by the hour, it seems.                            
I hear these loud giggles and screams.                      
So many guys there!                                         
How can they just share?                                    
You think they like screwing in teams?                      
                                                            
19418 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES                            



I've just gone and bought a new mat                         
For the pile on the old one was flat.                       
It was used every night                                     
(It was shag-pile all right)                                
But I will say no further than that.                        
                                                            
19419 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



I've also just bought a new table.                          
(The old one was rather unstable.)                          
It's made of good teak                                      
And should last me all week,                                
If I stop entertaining sweet Mabel.                         
                                                            
19420 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



I turned down the chance of a screw                         
Which young Annabel offered; it's true.                     
But my bannister rails                                      
Needed hammer and nails                                     
To repair them. (If you only knew...)                       
                                                            
19421 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



I'm trying to think of some way                             
To do it down under the waves,                              
Wrapped up in lycra,                                        
I'd still like to try to,                                   
Since I'm already feeling so brave.                         
                                                            
19422 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



Trust me, dear Karen, it's said                             
To be pretty hard to give head.                             
Though this might you vex,                                  
If you want great sex,                                      
There is nothing that beats good old bed.                   
                                                            
19423 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Nik Synytskyy            



Thanks for the warning, my dear,                            
But the water bug's bit me I fear.                          
We might end up dead,                                       
But we've used up the bed.                                  
So we're going to try under the pier.                       
                                                            
19424 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



Dear Jayne, you might need a new bed,                       
Or maybe your lover is dead.                                
Though a tent by the ocean                                  
Provides for good motion;                                   
All those bashing waves sure swelled his head.              
                                                            
19425 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



Bed, I'm afraid, is quite boring,                           
With him rolling over and snoring.                          
The best one for me,                                        
Was against a large tree,                                   
It was wet, 'cause the rain was downpouring.                
                                                            
19426 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Jayne                    



Well then, good luck, I suppose.                            
Without resorting to prose,                                 
If you still will be well,                                  
Please to A.J.L. tell                                       
What from your endeavors arose.                             
                                                            
19427 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Nik Synytskyy            



I'm in need of abusive lim                                  
On how to have sex while we swim,                           
With tanks 'neath the sea.                                  
It's cold as a 'B',                                         
And the body suit wraps up the quim.                        
                                                            
19428 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



You're lucky, girl.  I've made a suity                      
That zips from the navel to booty.                          
Just slather some grease                                    
The length of your crease.                                  
You'll make a most excellent shootee.                       
                                                            
19429 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   H Whelchel               



Big thanks from this so lucky girl;                         
I'll give your new suity a whirl.                           
Send it to me                                               
In care of the sea;                                         
My sweety is sure to unfurl.                                
                                                            
19430 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



Suity is now in the mail.                                   
Try it forthwith without fail.                              
Then send us reports                                        
Of water sports.                                            
(I hope you will find SCUBA Grail.)                         
                                                            
19431 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   H WHELCHEL               



Your suity arrived here today;                              
A clever design, I must say.                                
It fits like a glove,                                       
So we tried making love                                     
And really got carried away.                                
                                                            
19432 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



Tonight is dive lesson three                                
Of five and then we will be                                 
Off to the isles                                            
Where I'll work my wiles                                    
With the help of your clever suity.                         
                                                            
19433 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



Perhaps you would like to assist;                           
I'm aware that we're facing some risk.                      
So if you should find                                       
You have some spare time,                                   
We are traveling with a sweet sis.                          
                                                            
19434 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   Karen                    



Enclosed are two more of the suity,                         
For hubby and sis (is she cutey?)                           
And trap-door mouthpieces                                   
With auto-releases                                          
For undersea sucking of hootie.                             
                                                            
19435 CONGRESS - LOCATION - SERIES   H Whelchel               



My birth took place in a log cabin,                         
One night when my dad was out crabbin'.                     
But now I am glad                                           
That my dear old dad                                        
Just once with my mom did some jabbin'!                     
                                                            
19436 CONGRESS - LOVING              Travis Brasell           



My love is over six feet tall;                              
Next to him I feel very small.                              
With his broad-shouldered stance                            
And smouldering glance,                                     
I'm quickly taken into his thrall.                          
                                                            
19437 CONGRESS - LOVING              Azul                     



That broad brown chest 'neath my fingers;                   
Oh, how the taste of him lingers                            
On the tip of my tongue,                                    
As I stroke it along;                                       
His body which is a humdinger.                              
                                                            
19438 CONGRESS - LOVING              Azul                     



The candle which burns in the night,                        
Sheds its warm glow tonight,                                
On my happy face                                            
While in his embrace,                                       
And the love which does surely excite.                      
                                                            
19439 CONGRESS - LOVING              Azul                     



The lap of a lady you love,                                 
Quite simply is heaven above.                               
The warmth of her thigh,                                    
Her mysteries so nigh...                                    
Carry me!  Wings of a dove!                                 
                                                            
19440 CONGRESS - LOVING              Sansuesi                 



My gal has a wonderful grin,                                
Engaging and charminly thin.                                
So soft to the tough,                                       
But I like so much                                          
When she teasingly says,"Come on in."                       
                                                            
19441 CONGRESS - LOVING              Cyber Wizard             



That always causes a grin.                                  
I give what wshe wants, and then,                           
You've heard it before,                                     
You'll hear it some more;                                   
"I always take it right on the chin!"                       
                                                            
19442 CONGRESS - LOVING              Cyber Wizard             



Then she'll pout till I'm ready again,                      
Five minutes, six, maybe ten,                               
Then another round.                                         
She's willing, I've found                                   
And filling and billing some, then.                         
                                                            
19443 CONGRESS - LOVING              Cyber Wizard             



Oh baby, it's cold on the hillside                          
We can stay warm by the fireside                            
Up close we'll cuddle                                       
Let the others muddle                                       
Thru the snow that is falling outside                       
                                                            
19444 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



We will share hot cider'n orange duck                       
And then with a little bit o'luck                           
We'll build up our strength                                 
So we'll last the length                                    
Of the day while we're going tuck tuck                      
                                                            
19445 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



It's not the length of your rod,                            
That you lovingly slide in my bod.                          
What makes me all wet,                                      
Is the thrill that I get.                                   
(Not to mention you drool like a slob).                     
                                                            
19446 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



I'm looking around for a lover                              
To fondle, caress and uncover.                              
With body and mind,                                         
I'll most certainly find                                    
New erogenous zones to discover.                            
                                                            
19447 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



A sigh, and a cry, hungry kiss,                             
Caresses and hugs not remiss.                               
If he handles it right                                      
There won't be a fight,                                     
And will lead to an evening of bliss.                       
                                                            
19448 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



Thank you my sweet, from the heart,                         
Loves' arrow has pierced like a dart.                       
In love or in lust,                                         
It's hard to adjust.                                        
When we're living so far apart.                             
                                                            
19449 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



I can still feel your warm embrace,                         
Your hands holding my face.                                 
Kisses so deep,                                             
I wanted to keep,                                           
You forever, in time and place.                             
                                                            
19450 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



You'll have not a care in the world,                        
Once my full length has unfurled.                           
And filled your sole                                        
And your sweet hot hole,                                    
As you sit upon it and swirl...                             
                                                            
19451 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



I met a young lady in Redding                               
Who most of the boys had been bedding.                      
I said, "What the heck!"                                    
As I tickled her neck --                                    
I guess you know where this is heading!                     
                                                            
19452 CONGRESS - LOVING              jemstone            P2006



A distraction to last a lifetime;                           
A way to have life redefine;                                
To find ultimate bliss.                                     
Which starts with a kiss                                    
And continues to pleasures devine.                          
                                                            
19453 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



The cuddling's nice it is true                              
But lying here, right next to you,                          
Brings me feelings of joy                                   
As though a young boy;                                      
I promise we're nowhere near through.                       
                                                            
19454 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



You can see, I am up for some more;                         
And now, I do know for sure                                 
It will be a long night,                                    
So darlin', hold tight                                      
Cause I've never, felt this before.                         
                                                            
19455 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



There once was a lady named Carter,                         
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.                    
She stripped off his pants,                                 
At his prick quickly glanced,                               
And said, "For that I'm a martyr!"                          
                                                            
19456 CONGRESS - LOVING                                  L0279



In the picture of sex that you paint,                       
The importance of passion's too faint.                      
No kisses? No nuzzles?                                      
To hell with your muzzles;                                  
We love without any restraint!                              
                                                            
19457 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



My girlfriend she woke up this morn                         
And reached across for my horn;                             
Out mouths conspired                                        
We felt desire.                                             
If I told the rest - 'twould be porn.                       
                                                            
19458 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



My whippet took one look and fled,                          
As we romped around on the bed.                             
We'd such a shag,                                           
I need to brag;                                             
Enough I think has been said.                               
                                                            
19459 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



And your soft hair smells of wild flowers;                  
I could hold you close just for hours.                      
And just relax knowing                                      
Your love overflowing,                                      
Would rain down on me like fresh showers.                   
                                                            
19460 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



A young married couple of Aberystwith,                      
Who invited in friends to play whist with.                  
They all managed, when able,                                
To reach under the table,                                   
And play with the things that they pissed with.             
                                                            
19461 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



You know that my coming with you,                           
Is my most favorite thing I can do.                         
Your kiss and caress                                        
Have me out of my dress                                     
And wet, in a second or two.                                
                                                            
19462 CONGRESS - LOVING              Karen                    



Your tongue traces trails on my bod.                        
I get hotter and wetter. (My Cod!)                          
It sinfully stipples                                        
My pert, erect nipples.                                     
Which makaes me reach out for your rod.                     
                                                            
19463 CONGRESS - LOVING              Karen                    



You know, love, just what happens next...                   
I can't really say it in text...                            
(If we get any tenser,                                      
We just may be censored...)                                 
Do you think we're both oversexed?                          
                                                            
19464 CONGRESS - LOVING              Karen                    



I've missed our sexual abandon,                             
(I was hoping to just keep my hand in --                    
And my lips -- And my tongue!)                              
On your body, well hung!                                    
Unless, of course, you've found a stand-in?                 
                                                            
19465 CONGRESS - LOVING              Ericka                   



Oh my Sweet Thing!  Whene'er we're alone,                   
I impale her; just hear us both groan!                      
When I croon some sweet talk,                               
She will clench on my stalk;                                
Then she'll quiver and rattle my bone!                      
                                                            
19466 CONGRESS - LOVING              Allen Wolverton          



The gentle art of manipulation                              
Can't compare with copulation.                              
The velvetine tongue;                                       
It's praises are sung                                       
By most of the oral population.                             
                                                            
19467 CONGRESS - LOVING              Christopher              



Lasers and rays aren't my scene.                            
I prefer an old village green,                              
With cider to sup,                                          
And a maid's breasts to cup,                                
Plus a pasty, to make me serene.                            
                                                            
19468 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



After luncheon, my lady and I,                              
Look up at the summer blue sky,                             
"We'll go for a stroll,                                     
See the mare and her foal."                                 
So we wish the inn's landlord goodbye.                      
                                                            
19469 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



Then away from the village we'll stray,                     
Past the field of the newly mown hay.                       
We'll leap 'cross the rill,                                 
And up yonder hill,                                         
To the heath-land that stretches away.                      
                                                            
19470 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



We'll stroll through the heather in bloom,                  
Midst the myrtle, the sage, and the broom.                  
See the rabbits ruch                                        
through the underbrush,                                     
To their burrows in that nearby combe.                      
                                                            
19471 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



Then we enter the old piney wood,                           
And the dimness soon dampens her mood..                     
Though she shows little sign,                               
Her hand searches mine,                                     
I squeeze, She responds, that feels good.                   
                                                            
19472 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



Now it's out in the sunshine again,                         
And we walk down that pleasant green lane,                  
Where the buttercups spring,                                
And I feel like a king,                                     
For her hand in my grasp I maintain.                        
                                                            
19473 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



And so we come down to the brook,                           
O’er the bridge rail of course we must look,                
To spot the brown trout,                                    
But we know beyond doubt,                                   
They're too smart to be caught on a hook.                   
                                                            
19474 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



Through a gate to a meadow so green,                        
To a corner where we won't be seen;                         
As we stand, there I kiss                                   
That beautiful miss,                                        
With lascivious thoughts quite obscene.                     
                                                            
19475 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



She lays down and spreads out her hair,                     
Arranges her body with care.                                
Her skirt it flies wide                                     
Leaving nothing to hide,                                    
All her wonderful secrets laid bare.                        
                                                            
19476 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



I enter that cavern so moist,                               
As pleasurable murmurs are voiced,                          
Then we gently make love,                                   
While the curlews above                                     
With sweet liquid song do rejoice.                          
                                                            
19477 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



Then we wander along through the gloam-                     
ing until we reach our home,                                
To the lowing of cattle,                                    
And the old nightjar's rattle.                              
Who would wish from this heaven to roam?                    
                                                            
19478 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



So there in our quiet rural idyll,                          
With her blouse buttons I fiddyll.                          
My dick grows in size                                       
And enters her thighs,                                      
And I happily give her a diddyll.                           
                                                            
19479 CONGRESS - LOVING              Tiddy Ogg                



With limbs so entwined and a muddle                         
We duly produced the love puddle.                           
Then shaking her head,                                      
She breathlessly said:                                      
"Oh dear, I just wanted a cuddle."                          
                                                            
19480 CONGRESS - LOVING              SFA                      



Of quick-triggered men, I am wary;                          
Be they tall or short, bald or hairy.                       
Just the thought makes me wince!                            
I've been laundering since                                  
That last awful date with Hugh Clary.                       
                                                            
19481 CONGRESS - LOVING              Ericka                   



Romancing Hugh Clary, you bet,                              
We seldom will come in duet.                                
Since I'm quick as a flash                                  
Expelling the splash,                                       
So you sleep in the spot that is wet.                       
                                                            
19482 CONGRESS - LOVING              Hugh Clary               



You'll find that the men who are bigger                     
Can better control thier hair-trigger.                      
Though you may look cuter                                   
Astride a pea-shooter,                                      
They're known to be bad for your figure.                    
                                                            
19483 CONGRESS - LOVING              SFA                      



One thing I will say about Betty,                           
She doesn't indulge in things petty.                        
Just after a run,                                           
She thinks it's great fun                                   
To take her while she's warm and sweaty.                    
                                                            
19484 CONGRESS - LOVING              Cubmeister               



A warm furry muff feels just right,                         
On a cold chilly winter night.                              
To keep out a draft,                                        
Sink in your shaft,                                         
For a warm and a cozy delight.                              
                                                            
19485 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



The girls of the South love their men;                      
For the right to fuck hard they'll defend.                  
If your dick does go down                                   
After playing around,                                       
They will make the old "South rise again!"                  
                                                            
19486 CONGRESS - LOVING                                       



There once was a fellow named Randy                         
Who thought K-Y jelly was dandy.                            
With a wink and a snicker,                                  
He'd lube up his dicker                                     
And slip it to anyone handy.                                
                                                            
19487 CONGRESS - LUBED               GrumpyFoz                



The oil when applied can't be beat;                         
When I exhale, it captures the heat                         
Of my breath on your skin:                                  
Warm cherry almadine;                                       
It is so hard to not overeat.                               
                                                            
19488 CONGRESS - LUBED               Azul                     



On the farm a hay maker named Reese                         
Said just prior to mounting his neice,                      
"You look mighty tight,                                     
So it's no more than right                                  
I apply some Esso axle grease!"                             
                                                            
19489 CONGRESS - LUBED               Grand Prix Lim  497      



Yes, women do have an addiction                             
To things that can give them some friction;                 
Big fellas who toil                                         
Without using oil,                                          
Are risking a painful eviction.                             
                                                            
19490 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



There was a sweet lass from Belle Isle                      
Who wore a perpetual smile,                                 
And so did her lad,                                         
For it seems that they had                                  
Special uses for cod-liver ile.                             
                                                            
19491 CONGRESS - LUBED               Keith MacMillan       22b



I once knew a woman named Kelly;                            
Her cunt it was dry, but not smelly.                        
A tube of KY,                                               
She'd gladly apply,                                         
To make you just come on her belly.                         
                                                            
19492 CONGRESS - LUBED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Poor cuckolded Tommy's young wife'll,                       
To most any man give an eyeful.                             
On breasts, thighs and belly,                               
She spreads cream and jelly,                                
Inviting all-comers to trifle.                              
                                                            
19493 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



A young man from San Francisco                              
Left with a friend from the disco.                          
'Cause his KY tube                                          
Was all out of lube,                                        
Slobbed his knob with a big gob of Crisco.                  
                                                            
19494 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



Dear horny old Nelly in Frisco,                             
Seduced a young man at a disco.                             
When she got him home, Nelly,                               
Found no KY jelly,                                          
So the canny old lady used Crisco.                          
                                                            
19495 CONGRESS - LUBED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



Advised the wiseacre named Whittle                          
Who sexes around quite a little,                            
"When you're greasing the skids                             
For the kick that makes kids,                               
Use Vaseline, Crisco, or spittle."                          
                                                            
19496 CONGRESS - LUBED               Grand Prix Lim  829      



He said that he needed maiden oil;                          
"I need it to grease up my foil,                            
'Cause when I start to hump,                                
I need it to pump,                                          
And I'll bring your cunt to a boil."                        
                                                            
19497 CONGRESS - LUBED               Faerie                   



A  gurgle, or a sinus honk,                                 
From a maid in this honky-tonk;                             
Mucous lubrication,                                         
Might enhance copulation?                                   
Just thoughts, when I'm shit-faced drunk!                   
                                                            
19498 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



Macho fellows all rush to the store                         
Where condoms are sold by the score.                        
And pharmacist Kelly                                        
Recommends KY jelly,                                        
For couples who use the back door.                          
                                                            
19499 CONGRESS - LUBED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



No synthetic lube here on earth                             
Will unblock my lim-writing dearth.                         
I need the slick juice                                      
Of Carol's caboose,                                         
As she straddles my rampant hard girth.                     
                                                            
19500 CONGRESS - LUBED               Randog                   



It's everyone's friend, KY Jelly.                           
Lube up while you're watching the telly.                    
I'd give it more cheer                                      
If it tasted like beer;                                     
I'd leave a spare glob on her belly.                        
                                                            
19501 CONGRESS - LUBED               Frank Fazed              



Glycerin's the slickum for me.                              
It's warm and quite cheap (but not free).                   
But sometimes it burns her,                                 
So over I turns her                                         
And grabs for that jar full of ghee.                        
(ghee - clarified Tibetan butter)                           
19502 CONGRESS - LUBED               H WHELCHEL               



Sex without lube can be tricky,                             
For lube makes it slippy, not sticky.                       
So for sex with a smile,                                    
Come on, buy a vial,                                        
And grease up that firm tender dicky.                       
                                                            
19503 CONGRESS - LUBED               Anon                     



Sex without lube can be tricky,                             
For the lube makes it slippy not sticky.                    
So for sex with a smile,                                    
Come on, buy a vial,                                        
And grease up that firm tender dicky.                       
                                                            
19504 CONGRESS - LUBED               Screwball McGoo          



This gal who puts trucks to the test,                       
Doesn't mind getting oil on her chest.                      
'Cause with fornication                                     
She's got lubrication,                                      
And she'll grease up your dick with her breast.             
                                                            
19505 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



There was an old lady named Fretter                         
Who screwed every week with her setter.                     
With oleo she greased her                                   
From Christmas to Easter,                                   
Till she found that real butter was better.                 
                                                            
19506 CONGRESS - LUBED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1139



KY jelly and I disagree;                                    
That shit just tastes awful to me.                          
The stuff's slimy and cold;                                 
Makes it hard to get hold                                   
Of the pecker, it's too slippery!                           
                                                            
19507 CONGRESS - LUBED               Cheryl                   



Read the news about scientist Rex:                          
MAN INVENTS A SAFE FLUID FOR SEX.                           
It has protein and chrism,                                  
Purest tofu, no jism,                                       
It's cholesterol-free -- high tech specs.                   
                                                            
19508 CONGRESS - LUBED               Armand E Singer       910



For sweet lubrication try honey;                            
It doesn't cost all that much money.                        
But please use with care,                                   
When smoothing down there,                                  
Or things could get awfully funny!                          
                                                            
19509 CONGRESS - LUBED               Jayne                    



Plump Cathy I met at the lake.                              
We had fun. but we made one mistake:                        
Lubrication was poor                                        
When it's done far from shore.                              
One result was a sore trouser snake.                        
                                                            
19510 CONGRESS - LUBED               John Miller              



There's nothing like KY jelly                               
For smearing upon the belly                                 
And slicking the sheets                                     
And your lover's teats,                                     
And even things much more smelly.                           
                                                            
19511 CONGRESS - LUBED               MrMalo                   



What a beautiful thing, say I;                              
It loosens things up when they're dry.                      
'Tis a boon to all                                          
Fat, short, thin, or tall;                                  
That wonderous tube of KY.                                  
                                                            
19512 CONGRESS - LUBED               Spuddie                  



Our love-making paused for some lube;                       
My lover uncapping the tube.                                
A furious sneeze,                                           
A spurious squeeze --                                       
And K-Y all over one boob!                                  
                                                            
19513 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



KY will not suffer the fate                                 
Of bad code with the Y2K trait:                             
They guarantee you                                          
Can insert, not just two,                                   
But four digits at least, in your date!                     
                                                            
19514 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



His kisses were soft and tender.                            
I knew I would soon surrender,                              
To that huge throbbing dick,                                
I was giving a lick;                                        
Just hope that he's not a rear-ender.                       
                                                            
19515 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



He said, "Hon, are you ready yet?"                          
I said, "Yes," with some regret.                            
But, oh boy, what a ride,                                   
When he slipped it inside,                                  
This fuck I'll never forget!                                
                                                            
19516 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



I see that you're still in one piece.                       
Did you lubricate well with the grease?                     
Did you quiver and shiver                                   
As dick hit the liver,                                      
And scream in ecstatic release?                             
                                                            
19517 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



Grease, jelly, or oil for lube,                             
Or stuff that comes from a tube,                            
Is a big sticky mess,                                       
Which causes distress,                                      
In the area of the pubes.                                   
                                                            
19518 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



A generous lass of Port Hope,                               
Disliking both liquor and dope,                             
To make the thing easy                                      
(And slightly more teasey)                                  
Would line the whole passage with soap.                     
                                                            
19519 CONGRESS - LUBED               Keith MacMillan       56b



When finally her late menstruation                          
Was cause for a couple's elation;                           
It was smelly and sticky,                                   
But good for a quickie;                                     
It served as a nice lubrication.                            
                                                            
19520 CONGRESS - LUBED               Jim Weaver Collection    



A prudent young fellow named Sam                            
Was screwing a girl from Siam.                              
He said to her, "Nellie,                                    
If you don't use some jelly                                 
I am sure you will be in a jam.                             
                                                            
19521 CONGRESS - LUBED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0320



There was a young lady named Chard                          
Whose cunt was exceedingly hard.                            
Even Buster McGuckin                                        
Who was used to rough fuckin',                              
Could not get inside without lard.                          
                                                            
19522 CONGRESS - LUBED                                   G0290



A machine-built-for-love is Miss Vector,                    
So at times her subsexual sector                            
Just comes to a boil                                        
From a shot of hot oil,                                     
And that last lubrication nigh wrecked her!                 
                                                            
19523 CONGRESS - LUBED               Grand Prix Lim  328 G0791



There once was a man from Calcutta,                         
Who greased up his mistress with butter.                    
Then he watched in shock                                    
As rats came by the flock.                                  
"I'm glad I put none on my putter!"                         
                                                            
19524 CONGRESS - LUBED               M S Hunter               



Composer Vaughan Williams, named Ralph,                     
Would protect his long dong with a salve.                   
He exchewed KY Jelly                                        
Because it was smelly,                                      
And thus gave the girls a bad chaff.                        
                                                            
19525 CONGRESS - LUBED               Scott                    



KY is the good nurse's friend;                              
It's used to lube up your end                               
Before we're inserting                                      
(No, this isn't flirting)                                   
Anything that you don't want to bend!                       
                                                            
19526 CONGRESS - LUBED               Cheryl                   



I've discovered what all women should,                      
To help keep their man feeling good --                      
Edible panties and oil                                      
Make temperatures boil --                                   
Thanks to Frederick's of Hollywood!                         
                                                            
19527 CONGRESS - LUBED               Kaylin                   



I went to Sensual Treasures                                 
For oil, incense and tethers.                               
But alas and alack,                                         
It's still in the sack,                                     
Awaiting the right one to pleasure.                         
                                                            
19528 CONGRESS - LUBED               Azul                     



They used baby oil when they'd tryst,                       
But cap would not yield to his twist.                       
"You'll just have to imagine us                             
OLEAGINOUS,"                                                
He said as he rubbed his sprained wrist.                    
                                                            
19529 CONGRESS - LUBED               Norm Brust               



The crotch of Miss Gotch of Purdue                          
Is the cunthole us guys love to screw.                      
She takes so many peckers,                                  
We're all now wet-deckers,                                  
And slide in on the other guy's goo.                        
                                                            
19530 CONGRESS - LUBED                                   G0725



Said super detective Bill Kelly,                            
"At the parish house something is smelly.                   
There's no baby around;                                     
No wounds to be bound;                                      
They use tons of petroleum jelly."                          
                                                            
19531 CONGRESS - LUBED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0211



Great lubricant for all the porking,                        
Can be found in the can when uncorking.                     
So scoop up pig blubber                                     
When donning a rubber,                                      
And hope it's not Jews that your dorking.                   
(Spam juice)                                                
19532 CONGRESS - LUBED               J B Zimmerman            



A bowlegged hooker called Flicker,                          
Makes money with men who come quicker.                      
Thus she lubes up with oil                                  
So her lover's don't toil,                                  
For they're quicker when Flicker is slicker.                
                                                            
19533 CONGRESS - LUBED               Bob Birch           P0107



If things got too dry I would hate                          
To use this gross stuff with my mate.                       
I'd rather he lick;                                         
Things would then soon be slick,                            
And there'd be no need to lubricate.                        
                                                            
19534 CONGRESS - LUBED               Annie Jay                



On each other we swabbed sun tan lotion;                    
We then got a most pleasurable notion.                      
I got up on top;                                            
Slid off in the slop;                                       
'Twas a terrible test of devotion!                          
                                                            
19535 CONGRESS - LUBED               Allen Wolverton          



I never shall spurn my true calling,                        
Though others may find it apalling.                         
Aflame to the end,                                          
I'll toast you, my friend,                                  
With burning gas (when we're not balling).                  
                                                            
19536 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



I'll oint up your ulcers with goo,                          
And pump up your cooter with spew.                          
I'll call you my babe                                       
And lick off your labe,                                     
Whenever you're stray in the loo.                           
                                                            
19537 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



If any young thing tries to "cure" me,                      
Appealing within to the "pure" me,                          
I'll teach her a lesson                                     
And won't use the Wesson,                                   
As up her fine bod, I secure me.                            
                                                            
19538 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



But you, my dear girl, get the greases,                     
Since truly, I worship your creases.                        
I'll do you no harm,                                        
Your cockles I'll warm,                                     
And those of your daughters and nieces.                     
                                                            
19539 CONGRESS - LUBED                                        



A hard-working adman named Hicks                            
Coined phrases as solid as bricks.                          
But his brainstorm supreme                                  
Was a plug for some cream:                                  
"SLIP EASE for the penis that sticks!"                      
                                                            
19540 CONGRESS - LUBED               Armand E Singer       370



There was a young cowherd from Shree                        
Who lubed up his lingam with ghee.                          
He said, "It's no sin.                                      
Its back where it's been.                                   
The circle's complete, don't you see?"                      
                                                            
19541 CONGRESS - LUBED               H Whelchel               



There's this newly-wed couple named Stout;                  
She is stupid and he is a lout;                             
Though it sounds kind of nutty,                             
They just couldn't tell putty                               
From vaseline; their windows fell out.                      
                                                            
19542 CONGRESS - LUBED               Armand E Singer         4



"It's huge, and it surely won't fit!"                       
She shrieked and she urged me to quit.                      
But, to her surprise,                                       
It was just the right size                                  
When properly lubed up with spit.                           
                                                            
19543 CONGRESS - LUBED               John Miller              



Vaseline's really much cheaper,                             
But it won't make it harder or deeper.                      
It makes things all slippy,                                 
Or just use as lippy,                                       
And watch his pole climb even steeper.                      
                                                            
19544 CONGRESS - LUBED               Jayne                    



It seems those who sex in Moline                            
Expedite it with white vaseline...                          
But in San Francisco,                                       
What's popular's Crisco...                                  
For the Calories, it's plain to be seen!                    
                                                            
19545 CONGRESS - LUBED               Grand Prix Lim  488      



There once was a fellow LePew,                              
Renowned through the land for his screw.                    
He'd rub them with cream;                                   
Their souls would give steam,                               
And then they would want it anew.                           
                                                            
19546 CONGRESS - LUBED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Said an innocent girl named Shelly,                         
As a man rolled her onto her belly,                         
"This is not the position                                   
For human coition,                                          
And why the petroleum jelly?"                               
                                                            
19547 CONGRESS - LUBED               Grand Prix Lim  881 G1042



I'm greeted with undisguised groans,                        
In markets from here clear to Nome..                        
I'm known as the guy                                        
Who buys his K-Y                                            
Along with a box of Milkbones.                              
                                                            
19548 CONGRESS - LUBED               Lassie's Lover     TP9804



A bandito in old Colorado                                   
Was well known as a sex desperado.                          
When mounting a filly,                                      
Although it looked silly,                                   
He greased up with mashed avocado.                          
                                                            
19549 CONGRESS - LUBED               Mark Levy           P9509



There was a young woman named Nina,                         
Who had such a huge vagina.                                 
She was having great sex                                    
And became quite perplexed,                                 
When she discovered not one man but nine! Ahhhh!            
                                                            
19550 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Jim Weaver Collection    



A rabid young fellow named Haskett                          
Was angry and blew out a gasket.                            
From a madam named Shores                                   
He demanded four whores;                                    
He would not put his eggs in one basket.                    
                                                            
19551 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Albin Chaplin   3024-2101



Two is a duo and nice;                                      
Three is a trio, so thrice.                                 
But four is a quatrain,                                     
While five is a real gain,.                                 
'Cause the odd guy so often comes twice.                    
                                                            
19552 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Ogni Gioa                



There was a young fellow named Pete,                        
Who hastened to Plato's Retreat;                            
But the girl he would ride,                                 
Had each hole occupied,                                     
So he rubbed his poor prick on her feet.                    
                                                            
19553 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Isaac Asimov             



A singles club opened in Perth                              
Of women there sure was no dearth.                          
A lawyer named Sawyer                                       
Took his share through the foyer,                           
And he fucked them four deep on the earth.                  
                                                            
19554 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Albin Chaplin   3024-2225



My gorgeous, voluptuous Gloria;                             
Whadda ya mean, there are more o' ya?                       
Sisters? Like you?                                          
Who are desperate to screw?                                 
There are four o' ya?  Four!?  Oh, euphoria!                
                                                            
19555 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Peter Wilkins            



A frisky young maid named Jeanette                          
Married an old baronet.                                     
His dick made her laugh,                                    
So with butler and staff                                    
She made up a sexy sextet.                                  
                                                            
19556 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Tutta                    



Oh, for the orgies of yore!                                 
To tangle with five on the floor!                           
No herpes or AIDS,                                          
Just spunky cockades                                        
To pick from our hair, nothing more.                        
                                                            
19557 CONGRESS - MENAGE              H Welchel                



There once was a horny young trooper,                       
Who dared five sailors to grope her.                        
Each one stuck his peeper                                   
In deeper and deeper,                                       
The last one came out her pooper.                           
                                                            
19558 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                       



An oversize crotch had Miss Pleasure;                       
A cunt like a bushel -- a treasure.                         
When she wanted some sex                                    
She took four men named Pecks,                              
And two half-pints thrown in for good measure.              
                                                            
19559 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Albin Chaplin   3024-0583



There once was a swinger named Scoop,                       
Who liked to have sex in a group.                           
One night there were six;                                   
Two cunts and four dicks,                                   
So someone was packing his poop.                            
                                                            
19560 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                       



There's hundreds of guys in the street                      
(A good half of them beating their meat);                   
While indoors she peruses                                   
Their antics and chooses                                    
Just six at a time for her treat.                           
                                                            
19561 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                       



That's one 'tween her mammary glands                        
(where six inches is fine) but demands                      
that the two further south                                  
and the one in her mouth,                                   
Are much larger than those in her hands.                    
                                                            
19562 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                       



Writhing with six horney men,                               
Would be her idea of Heaven.                                
They'd share a few tricks,                                  
Get in a few licks,                                         
Coming together again and again.                            
                                                            
19563 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Charl                    



A proper young miss who got stewed,                         
Awoke rather shockingly nude,                               
In a room with six gents,                                   
And a terrified sense                                       
That she had been, and was being, screwed.                  
                                                            
19564 CONGRESS - MENAGE              John Ciardi              



A spritely young lady named Wise,                           
One midsummer evening gave rise,                            
To a chain of events,                                       
Involving six gents,                                        
In a general unzipping of flies.                            
                                                            
19565 CONGRESS - MENAGE              John Ciardi              



In today's world, it won't make a stir;                     
Sometimes it's two 'hims' and a 'her'.                      
Or else it's three gays,                                    
Or some go both ways;                                       
One gets what one likes to prefer.                          
                                                            
19566 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Chris Papa               



A lover boy living in Laos                                  
Kept eight or ten girls at his house.                       
To tourists inquiring                                       
He said, "Yes, they are tiring,                             
But it beats making out with one spouse."                   
                                                            
19567 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Grand Prix Lim  190      



There once was a roguish young lass,                        
Who excelled in biology class.                              
She thought is was fun,                                     
To curl up with one,                                        
But terrific to do it 'en masse'.                           
                                                            
19568 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Isaac Asimov             



A liberated young woman named Heather,                      
Practiced love with both sexes together.                    
Her men all wore stockings                                  
Which some found most shocking,                             
Her women all wore English Leather.                         
                                                            
19569 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                       



A daisy chain isn't a riddle,                               
Simply some folks who are happy to fiddle.                  
By two and by threes,                                       
On their backs and their knees,                             
And it's fun getting caught in the middle.                  
                                                            
19570 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                       



Said a coed from Drake University,                          
When asked about sexual diversity,                          
"While a lay is O.K.                                        
In the regular way,                                         
I prefer polymorphous perversity."                          
                                                            
19571 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                  G0574



Lady wrestlers in fearsome combat,                          
Spilling bosoms all over the mat.                           
In a menage-a-trois,                                        
It's a definte draw,                                        
And the referee's got tit for tat.                          
                                                            
19572 CONGRESS - MENAGE              A. W. Edwards       P9012



If all of these men you must screw,                         
What is it that you'd have me do?                           
Won't one of you three                                      
Agree to do me?                                             
Perhaps I could even have two?                              
                                                            
19573 CONGRESS - MENAGE              Frank Fazed              



In this jumble of legs, heads and arms,                     
And all of these feminine charms,                           
A hell of an orgy,                                          
But I cannot find Georgie;                                  
I think we should call the gendarmes.                       
                                                            
19574 CONGRESS - MENAGE              A. W. Edwards       P9012



There once was a coed named Nola,                           
Who crashed a big party at Loyola.                          
Although uninvited,                                         
Her host was delighted,                                     
She brought rubber sheets and Mazola.                       
                                                            
19575 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                       



Having only one wife at a time,                             
Is to nature a terrible crime.                              
For unless he's quite nervous,                              
Any male can service                                        
Two or three in a night in his prime.                       
                                                            
19576 CONGRESS - MENAGE              H Welchel                



A perverted young pair in Hot Springs,                      
Delight in peculiar sex things.                             
They fuck in a daze,                                        
In a dozen freak ways,                                      
With the swingers their three-line ad brings.               
                                                            
19577 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                  G0617



There once was a coed from Purdue                           
Who decided her loves were too few.                         
She took vitamin E,                                         
Which discolored her pee,                                   
And she's now an insane three-way screw.                    
(not vitamin E but B2 riboflavin that discolors urine - McW)
19578 CONGRESS - MENAGE                                  G0165



A girl from around Santa Cruz                               
Just doesn't know how to refuse,                            
And to satisfy more                                         
Of the men at her door,                                     
She will often accept them in twos.                         
                                                            
19579 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Hugh Oliver         A024A



Two duo-pianists from Cheam                                 
Would even make love as a team.                             
One aft and one frontal,                                    
With strokes contrapuntal,                                  
They developed a fucking good theme.                        
                                                            
19580 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              G2292



I think I've detected a flaw                                
In Alexander Dumas.                                         
He tried a beautician                                       
And every position,                                         
But never a 'manage a trois.'                               
                                                            
19581 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Al Willis                



This Paddy by name of O'Shea                                
Denied the whole day he was gay.                            
But later that night                                        
When quite out of sight,                                    
He enjoyed with two boys a three-way.                       
                                                            
19582 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          TuttaGioia               



Now a freeswinging swain from old Rio                       
Kept a pad with both Theo and Cleo.                         
The argued and quarreled,                                   
They pouted and snarled,                                    
Over who'd play top role with this trio.                    
                                                            
19583 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Armand E Singer       186



A woman from North Carolina,                                
Said "Nothing could be any finer,                           
Than to have a man come                                     
Right up my fine bum,                                       
While his wife finger-fucks my vagina.                      
                                                            
19584 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Tony Zealand             



There once was a man from New York                          
Whose penis was shaped like a fork.                         
He claimed he could get                                     
A blonde or brunette,                                       
And both simultaneously pork.                               
                                                            
19585 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Dan Vogl                 



There once was a young girl named Heather                   
Whose touch was as light as a feather                       
She ripped off her blouse                                   
Started fucking my spouse.                                  
I now believe three-somes are better.                       
                                                            
19586 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



There once was a lusty Lothario                             
Who bedded twin blondes in Ontario;                         
He said, "I'll confess,                                     
It was not without stress--                                 
But sex is so sexy in stereo!"                              
                                                            
19587 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Norm Storer         P9111



While seducing a Dona from Spain,                           
My machismo suffered great pain.                            
For while I was dicking,                                    
At the same time, she's licking                             
Some other man's private domain.                            
                                                            
19588 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          David Haller       TP9804



There were two young men of Cawnpore,                       
Who buggered and fucked the same whore.                     
The partition split,                                        
And the sperm and the shit,                                 
Rolled out in great lumps on the floor.                     
                                                            
19589 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              L1145



I came on a lady named Kitchener,                           
As her lover was fucking the niche in her.                  
So I pulled out my prick,                                   
And stuck it in quick,                                      
And buggered the son-of-a-bitch in her.                     
                                                            
19590 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              G0630



A sea-loving girl of Decatur                                
Went out to the sea on a freighter.                         
On her very first date                                      
She was ate by the mate,                                    
But the captain was first man to mate her.                  
                                                            
19591 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Albin Chaplin   3024-1253



Mike and Trisha went out in a truck;                        
She chose blowing instead of a suck.                        
The road it was slippy;                                     
They rammed Mr Whippy,                                      
Who wanted to join in the fuck.                             
                                                            
19592 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Anon                     



There once was a lady named Cleo                            
Who screwed with a fellow named Leo.                        
Then they added in Fay,                                     
Who could swing either way,                                 
And they found it a marvelous trio.                         
                                                            
19593 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Cap'n Bean          P0205



"If you're horny," the gal said, "just ring us.             
My husband will offer his dingus.                           
If that's not to your taste,                                
It will not be a waste,                                     
For I'm here if you like cunnilingus."                      
                                                            
19594 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Bob Birch           P0310



Joe turned his weekend EXCURSION                            
To romp with some kinky perversion.                         
He picked up blonde gal                                     
And her brunette pal,                                       
Then tried to play role of sheik Persian.                   
                                                            
19595 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Chris Papa               



There once were two ladies from Paris,                      
Who said to me, "Please come and share us."                 
They did me all ways,                                       
And now I sing praise.                                      
It turned out those two girls were from Kara's.             
(Kara's is a porn website)                                  
19596 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Lusty Limericks          



A bookkeeper known as Miss Gentry,                          
Had two men in bed out at Bent Tree.                        
The first one she fucked,                                   
While the other she sucked;                                 
Her system is called double entry.                          
                                                            
19597 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



Three ingenious young siblings called Biddle,               
Indulged in a three-cornered diddle.                        
Though those on each side                                   
Were well satisfied,                                        
All fought for dual joys in the middle.                     
                                                            
19598 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



There once was a lady from Seoul;                           
To have sex with three men was her goal.                    
With gigantic boobs,                                        
She attracted the rubes,                                    
Even though she'd a face like a troll.                      
                                                            
19599 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Robert Elliot            



Two beauties who dwelt by the Bosphorous,                   
Had eyes that were brighter that phosphorous.               
The Sultan called, "Troth!                                  
I'll marry you both!"                                       
But they laughed, "I'm afraid you must tossphorous.         
                                                            
19600 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



Now my boyfriend is inviting a friend;                      
My favors he wishes to lend.                                
So should I agree                                           
To make this a three?                                       
But who would I find at each end?                           
                                                            
19601 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl of Newcastle                         
Whose charms were declared universal.                       
While one man in front                                      
Wired into her cunt,                                        
Another was engaged in her asshole.                         
                                                            
19602 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



A curious lass from Dundee                                  
Tried two lads simultaneously.                              
From the fore and the aft                                   
She was given the shaft.                                    
Now it pains her to sit and to pee.                         
                                                            
19603 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Lims For Year - 01       



My puberty's dominant wish                                  
Was Dorothy and Lilian Gish.                                
Une menage a trois                                          
Avec hornee moi                                             
Then wet dream another dish.                                
                                                            
19604 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Irving Superior     P9103



There once was a young Irish lass,                          
Had two cunts instead of an ass.                            
Dog style or supine,                                        
They both were divine,                                      
But menage a trois was first class!                         
                                                            
19605 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Jennifer            T9712



A young do-it-your-selfer, once screwed                     
Two pieces together.  If you'd                              
Like to know what he made,                                  
You must ask Adelaide,                                      
And her little kid sister, Gertrude.                        
                                                            
19606 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          John Ciardi              



There was a young Moslem from Ware                          
Who had not one wife but a pair.                            
The fact was, he said,                                      
That being in bed                                           
He could tell them apart--to a hair!                        
                                                            
19607 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              G2547



MENAGERIES are sometime okay,                               
Like watching some cute chimps at play.                     
Menage a trois, though,                                     
A quite different show                                      
Of which there is sure Hell to pay.                         
                                                            
19608 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Chris Papa               



There was an old hornman who jammed                         
All night with two broads.  When they scrammed              
An hour after dawn,                                         
He looked at his horn,                                      
And said, grinning, "Well, I'll be goddamned!"              
                                                            
19609 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          John Ciardi              



There was a young lady named Mimi,                          
Who said, "Oh, my dear, you should see me,                  
In bed with two guys.                                       
Yet that's not the prize,                                   
It's even more pleasant to be me."                          
                                                            
19610 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Isaac Asimov             



A horny young couple from Fleenor,                          
Met a man with a sexy demeanor.                             
The husband then said,                                      
"Join us back in our bed,                                   
'Cause I'd like to see you in-between her."                 
                                                            
19611 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Tim Thompson             



Young Jennifer took 'em at random,                          
That bi-cyclist really could land 'em.                      
Always a trio;                                              
Always con brio;                                            
She'd screw both her partners in tandem.                    
                                                            
19612 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Tutta                    



There was a young man with a fiddle,                        
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"                     
She replied, "Yes I do,                                     
But prefer to with two.                                     
It's twice as much fun in the middle."                      
                                                            
19613 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                        L0293 G0588



A slut took two men back to her lair,                       
And asked them if they'd like to share.                     
Said one man to the other,                                  
"Hey, I am her brother;                                     
I've only come here on a dare."                             
                                                            
19614 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Lims For Year - 01       



A threesome? How sleazy and slutty.                         
Do you still want us to talk smutty?                        
But before we all make it,                                  
Be sure your heart can take it --                           
We'll turn you wood into "Silly Putty!"                     
                                                            
19615 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Kaylin Brandon           



Here's a song for the man in the middle:                    
Do you play it or do you just fiddle?                       
When it's ready to stand                                    
Does it just come to hand                                   
Or does it confront the great riddle?                       
                                                            
19616 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Neal Wilgus         P8508



If your lady thinks two's better than one,                  
Let's shed clothes and get on with the fun.                 
I'll fuck her quite proper,                                 
While she sucks on your whopper.                            
We'll come many times e're we're done.                      
                                                            
19617 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



His mistress he mauled black and blue,                      
For when he sneaked home full of brew,                      
He surprised her in bed                                     
With Francine and Fred,                                     
Though the bed was just built to hold two.                  
                                                            
19618 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Grand Prix Lim  302      



It's true what they say, three's a crowd.                   
At my place there's just two allowed.                       
So one of you beaux                                         
Can stay, but one goes.                                     
I suggest it's the lesser-endowed.                          
                                                            
19619 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Ericka                   



One midnight a corpulent pair                               
Was startled by someone else there.                         
The sudden intrusion                                        
Was not an illusion;                                        
In the middle was Lucky Pierre!                             
                                                            
19620 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Conch                    



In a daisy chain, Bill, Flo, and Pete,                      
Pumped away in a hot double beat.                           
Flo said, "Two way traffic                                  
Is TERRIF... to be graphic,                                 
And a swell way of making ends meet."                       
                                                            
19621 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Grand Prix Lim   41      



The pretty twins, Lottie and Lou,                           
I shyly had long wished to woo.                             
When, intent to assist me,                                  
They suddenly kissed me,                                    
I confessed, "I've long wanted you (to) (two) (too) ."      
                                                            
19622 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Robert Wallace ed.  P9001



There is an old maiden named Brewham,                       
Who reminds me of someone--but whom?                        
If only I knew,                                             
I'd get both the two,                                       
Together some night, and I'd screw 'em.                     
                                                            
19623 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              L1709



In Amis's book, "The Green Man",                            
A three-in-a-bed romp's the plan;                           
But mistress and wife                                       
Have the time of their life,                                
Our hero's a poor also-ran.                                 
                                                            
19624 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



A sexual lover named Slaughter                              
Did something that he had not ought 'er.                    
His greatest ambition                                       
Was to defy tradition,                                      
So he bedded a mother and daughter.                         
                                                            
19625 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Tom Patton          P9804



Two Russians once lived overhead;                           
One night I took both them to bed.                          
Maria sucked my butt                                        
Like a good Commie slut,                                    
While Tatianna gave me some head.                           
                                                            
19626 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Jim Weaver Collection    



Sultry Sue and her friend, named Sue too,                   
Said, "We'll do a strip tease just for you,"                
Then their bras came undone                                 
As they danced, two on one;                                 
A ratio I'd like to pursue.                                 
                                                            
19627 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Jerry Nordal        P0301



Like the two whores who begged, "Please hump us!"           
But each of them raised such a rumpus,                      
That I went astray                                          
And lost my damn way;                                       
From then on I carried a compass.                           
                                                            
19628 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Travis Brasell           



Two little runts in a punt                                  
Went out on a zooty cunt hunt...                            
The girl sighed, "Short poles!                              
We'd best use both holes...                                 
One in back, the other in front."                           
                                                            
19629 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          TuttaGioia               



A certain young fellow of Blois,                            
Full of Frenchified "Je ne sais quoi",                      
Once said in a huff,                                        
"One isn't enough.                                          
What I want is a Menage a Trois                             
                                                            
19630 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Isaac Asimov             



A generous damsel of Lyme                                   
Always takes on two men at a time.                          
She smirked, "It's a blast!                                 
With one pederast,                                          
And a straight man up front, it's sublime!"                 
                                                            
19631 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Grand Prix Lim  863      



"Well, let's share and make it a triple,                    
Each of us sucking one nipple.                              
But when it comes to the holes,                             
We'll have to change poles,                                 
And decide whose turn 'tis to tickle."                      
                                                            
19632 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Lims For Year - 01       



My menage-a-trois with Dumb Dora.                           
"A girl friend, we'd ectasize mora."                        
Although we were three,                                     
It turned out to be                                         
A two and a half with Numb Nora.                            
                                                            
19633 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Irving Superior     P9003



Since every damn gadget's gone digital,                     
My nerves are all frayed and fidgetal;                      
Perhaps two girls cracks                                    
Will help me relax,                                         
Or maybe one young female midget'll.                        
                                                            
19634 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Travis brasell           



Lovely Irene had once said,                                 
Any man who got into her bed,                               
Would find it extreme;                                      
He'd be part of the team,                                   
And be joined by her boyfriend named Ted.                   
                                                            
19635 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



"I enjoy a menage-a-trois."                                 
Said Pocahontas, the horny young squaw.                     
John Smith was so happy,                                    
He invited his pappy.                                       
He shared all, you see, with his pa.                        
                                                            
19636 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



A snippy old maid named Miss Grimes                         
Cried, "There's no law to cover ALL crimes!                 
Next door, that Joe Hupp                                    
Left the bedroom shade up                                   
While he laid two jades, sixes and nines!"                  
                                                            
19637 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Grand Prix Lim  862      



There's the lady in suite 7-C                               
Who allowed two young men to make free,                     
Till she heard someone say,                                 
"That's all for today."                                     
And discovered she'd been on TV.                            
                                                            
19638 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          John Ciardi              



The only pastime of the Becks                               
Is sex and more sex and more sex...                         
They practice their sport                                   
On our old davenport,                                       
And all three ended up sorry wrecks!                        
                                                            
19639 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Grand Prix Lim  134      



But isn't she worn to a frazzle?                            
You know 'fore they leave, Tammy has all                    
Nine, fucking her quim,                                     
From six year old Jim,                                      
To six foot two, eighteen stone Basil.                      
                                                            
19640 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



A versatile hooker of Zaandam,                              
Made appointments completely at random.                     
Since if two dates got mixed                                
It was easily fixed                                         
By letting then screw her in tandem.                        
                                                            
19641 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              L0364



On each side of me now there's a honey;                     
My future looks grave, but it's sunny;                      
They make this old tomb                                     
A comical room,                                             
'Cause, dammit, these two girls are funny!                  
                                                            
19642 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



A much-diddled dolly named Beverly                          
Went about her sex bouts so darned cleverly,                
She services three                                          
At a time--all for free--                                   
Positioned about herself severally.                         
                                                            
19643 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              G0526



There was a Hell's Kitchen Y.T.                             
Who said to two boyfriends, "Aw gee,                        
I don't think that coitus                                   
Could possible hoit us!"                                    
So they did it together, all three.                         
                                                            
19644 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              L0363



Last night I sure had quite a few;                          
I lost count long before I was through.                     
But lately it seems                                         
That only in dreams,                                        
I can handle as many as two.                                
                                                            
19645 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          John Miller 0082         



That glamorous blonde, young Miss Bell,                     
Forgot to reserve a hotel;                                  
But a kind man from Fife                                    
Tucked her in with his wife,                                
And gave her some crumpet as well.                          
                                                            
19646 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                              G0013



Cried an over-sexed Dolly named Dunn,                       
Enjoying triangular fun,                                    
"Twin brothers in heat                                      
With a fast double beat,                                    
Prove that two heads are better than one!"                  
                                                            
19647 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Jim Weaver Collection    



A young lady once gave the nod                              
For twins to enjoy her sweet bod.                           
Their faces weren't identical                               
But when she got to their genitals                          
They were alike as two peas and a pod.                      
                                                            
19648 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Greg Schindler      P8903



A Doublemint lady named Dunn                                
Had doubled her pleasure and fun.                           
On a date with a lad                                        
She invited his dad,                                        
For two heads were better than one.                         
                                                            
19649 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Albin Chaplin   3024-0123



A randy young wench on a cush-                              
ion remarked with a twitch of her tush,                     
"I cannot understand                                        
How a bird in my hand                                       
Could be better than two in my bush."                       
                                                            
19650 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Bob Giandomenico    P9004



There was an old blacksmith of Danville,                    
Who screwed two young dancers named Granville.              
He removed their sarongs                                    
With his hammer and tongs,                                  
And he gave them a course on his anvil.                     
                                                            
19651 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Albin Chaplin   3024-0675



And how about two girls for this man?                       
I think he could cope, I'm a fan.                           
I know what to do                                           
For two-tongued Hugh,                                       
In New Orleans live, Louise et Anne.                        
                                                            
19652 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



I've got me two whores on their backs,                      
I'm taking off my shirt, now slacks;                        
The conductor just said,                                    
"Town's just up ahead."                                     
With these girls I'd better make tracks!                    
                                                            
19653 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



It's good to see you here, I swear,                         
And back in good form and with flair.                       
But I have been slacking,                                   
And worse, sadly lacking,                                   
A man.  Wobbly please won't you share?                      
                                                            
19654 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Anon                     



"What I want, no one can give me,"                          
Cried Maria who often is free                               
With her arms and her charms,                               
And now has no qualms,                                      
'Bout saying she wants to try three!                        
                                                            
19655 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Archie                   



A man asked two beauties pernicious,                        
To join him for dinner of fishes,                           
T'was an earthly delight                                    
By a soft candlelight,                                      
And after, he even did dishes!                              
                                                            
19656 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



There was an old fellow from Keene,                         
Who dropped dead betwixt and between                        
Two bundles of hay,                                         
On each of which lay,                                       
What New Hampshiremen call a "sireen."                      
                                                            
19657 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          John Ciardi              



An uncertain young woman named Fern                         
Was so great she had lovers to burn.                        
She got into bed                                            
With both Johnny and Fred                                   
And didn't know which way to turn.                          
                                                            
19658 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Isaac Asimov             



I just wasn't present that night,                           
When the pretty young maid lost her fight;                  
I was home in my bed                                        
With the woman I wed,                                       
And her mother, who isn't quite right!                      
                                                            
19659 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Mark Levy           P0209



Her melons have made you berserk.                           
Her ass makes my nob swell and perk.                        
While you lick and grope                                    
Her ripe cantalope,                                         
I'll slip in her rear with a smirk.                         
                                                            
19660 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



They say, in the bush, that two Ffranks                     
Are worth my regard and my thanks.                          
But two Ffranks in hand                                     
Was what I had planned.                                     
(And possibly spankings and yanks)                          
                                                            
19661 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3                                   



In flagrante delicto they were;                             
A pony, two hims, and a her.                                
Their arrangement: complex,                                 
Made one wonder if sex                                      
Was the only goal one might infer.                          
                                                            
19662 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3          Norm Storer         P0012



"I'm just popping in, do you mind,                          
For a quickie."  OK, but you'll find                        
That my husband's in bed                                    
And I'm giving him head.                                    
"Then I'll fuck you, my sweet, from behind."                
                                                            
19663 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



I hope he won't notice you, Fred.                           
"Well he won't if you're giving him head;                   
Keep on chewing his dick.                                   
I'll be quick; I'll be slick... "                           
Well OK then, climb on to the bed.                          
                                                            
19664 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



"Keep chewing him, Debbie, you must                         
Else he'll notice my very first .." <THRUST>                
Oh my!  Oommph!  'BLOODY SHITE                              
WIFE! There's no need to BITE                               
Me and damage my knob in your lust.'                        
                                                            
19665 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



'Chew slower.' <Thrust> Oommph! "Feel my rod?"              
'Shit. I'm cumming!'  "Me too!"  Ohmygod!                   
'Who the hell is that thrusting                             
Your ass with such lusting?'                                
Oh shit!  'Sounds like Fred, the old sod.'                  
                                                            
19666 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



I think we should leave them right there,                   
For it sounds a most sordid affair.                         
I've forgotten who's who,                                   
And it's time that I flew                                   
Off to Birmingham, Durham or Ayr.                           
                                                            
19667 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



A pentium five over-clocking;                               
Sweet Wobbly now wobbling but rocking.                      
With Jeanie on hand                                         
To steady my gland,                                         
While Ericka does something shocking.                       
                                                            
19668 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Frank                    



Well now, Sweet FA, don't you fret.                         
'Tis the season of joy, don't forget.                       
With your VISA, we three                                    
Could have a shopping spree,                                
Else "not much" is what you're apt to get.                  
                                                            
19669 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Jeanie                   



We just had a row, Erm and me.                              
Went shopping, and what did we see?                         
A huge king-sized bed                                       
And all that I said                                         
Was "That's great.  Big enough to take three."              
                                                            
19670 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Stand up for your rights like a man;                        
Two women's just great, if you can.                         
Tell Erm, "It's a trait                                     
Or genetic fate!"                                           
If she buys it, I'll try it on Jan.                         
                                                            
19671 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Hideout                  



Two women in bed?  Goodness sake!                           
That surely'd be too hard to take.                          
For my lovely wife,                                         
The love of my life,                                        
My head with cast iron would break.                         
                                                            
19672 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Tychicus                 



Big Betty and her bigger sister                             
Are as wild as a big Texas twister.                         
They pulled a 3-way                                         
On my member today,                                         
Till there was nothing left but a blister.                  
                                                            
19673 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Mike Prsnut              



What you need is a three-headed pecker,                     
Two sandwiches that are double deckers,                     
A little pipe dope,                                         
Some soap on a rope,                                        
And a cellar big enough for checkers                        
                                                            
19674 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Buck                     



A threesome occurring in Norway,                            
Was initially planned as a fourway.                         
But the last to arrive                                      
Was a fat man named Clive,                                  
Who could not fit through the doorway.                      
                                                            
19675 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Cap'n Bean               



Was your bath all you thought it would be;                  
Did you get what you fancied, all three?                    
If wine made it four,                                       
You just wanted more,                                       
How'd you bathe when you needed to pee?                     
                                                            
19676 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



To escape from a sexual boredom,                            
The prospect of a very wild three-some --                   
Two fine chicks at my side                                  
All six legs spreaded wide,                                 
Makes this horny guy already come                           
                                                            
19677 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



A shame you're so quick on the trigger;                     
You still could have pumped 'em with vigor.                 
And had them both coming,                                   
If only your plumbing                                       
Had been just a tiny bit bigger.                            
                                                            
19678 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES                          



I met a new girl on the freeway;                            
Her friend asked if I'd like a three-way.                   
But when I said yes,                                        
She bared hair on her chest,                                
And her dong was enough to scare me 'way.                   
                                                            
19679 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES John Gearhart            



If suffering from shortness of sight,                       
That scene is a regular plight.                             
The best way to cope                                        
Is to have a quick grope,                                   
To avoid being buggered that night.                         
                                                            
19680 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Ah Girls, I am here for you both;                           
Ignore what the others have quoth.                          
I'll satisfy you                                            
My feminine crew --                                         
Though never will I plight my troth.                        
                                                            
19681 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Anon                     



So now that my teasing is through                           
I'll just drink a toast to the crew                         
Don't fret; I'll be good                                    
I'm not drinking "Bull's Blood"                             
Or I might be expelled from the queue.                      
                                                            
19682 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Anon                     



The Upstairs and Downstairs and moi,                        
(Half English) an aiffair de trois.                         
Chaque temps quand nous start,                              
Can't tell them apart.                                      
Peut-etre parce que it is noir.                             
                                                            
19683 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Irving Superior     P9408



The Upstairs and Downstairs and me,                         
(In half French) a menage of three.                         
When upstairs a bas,                                        
Downstairs oo-la-la.                                        
Translated to viva la vie.                                  
                                                            
19684 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 3 - SERIES Irving Superior     P9408



Two daughters stayed on with old Glennis                    
One blonde, one brunette.  Sadly, when this                 
Fine troupe chose to flee,                                  
I'd not had all three.                                      
(Damned cops claimed that they were a menace...)            
                                                            
19685 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



Oh Lord! How I love humping Annie;                          
Our favorite way's fanny-to-fanny.                          
Since we're not that supple                                 
It involves a couple                                        
Of neighbors, named Debby and Danny.                        
                                                            
19686 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Arthur Deex         P8208



A virgin young man from Dundee                              
Indulged in a sexual spree.                                 
He liked it with one;                                       
With two it was fun.                                        
Now he's anxious to try it with three.                      
                                                            
19687 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In Vegas a hooker named Lou,                                
Ran a number with one gent, then two.                       
When a third ask to play,                                   
She said, "Well, OK.                                        
But that does it.  Rien ne vas plus."                       
                                                            
19688 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          John Ciardi              



Four playing around's always fun,                           
With three or four lovers here, hon.                        
But I'm not that easy,                                      
And never that sleazy,                                      
I'll have my dicks just one on one.                         
                                                            
19689 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



Said a specialty hooker named Jean,                         
Who made the Jacuzzi her scene,                             
"A rub-a-dub-dub,                                           
Three men in a tub,                                         
Not only come close, they come clean"                       
                                                            
19690 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          John Ciardi              



The first wife would cook, second clean;                    
The third wife would oil your machine.                      
She would tweak and she'd tune,                             
And would cause you to swoon.                               
I'm sure that you know what I mean.                         
                                                            
19691 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Frank Fazed              



There was a young lady named Hope,                          
Whose Ma washed her mouth out with soap,                    
When she found her asprawl                                  
With three boys in the hall,                                
And doing her utmost to cope.                               
                                                            
19692 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          John Ciardi              



There was a young wife from Peoria,                         
Who checked into the Waldorf-Astoria,                       
Where she stayed for a week                                 
With two Swedes and a Greek,                                
In a state of near-total euphoria.                          
                                                            
19693 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          John Ciardi              



The nobel prize for the immoral,                            
The palm, the wreath and the laurel,                        
Goes to Josephine Bunce,                                    
Who had three men at once:                                  
One fore, one aft, and one oral.                            
                                                            
19694 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Funny Bone               



An experienced lecher, Stefan,                              
Keeps a woman upon a divan.                                 
Two more on a chair,                                        
All three of them bare,                                     
And keeps proving to them he's a man.                       
                                                            
19695 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Isaac Asimov             



What a temperate man Dr. Wise is.                           
When three coeds in silly disguises                         
Leaped on him in bed,                                       
He did not scold.  He said,                                 
"Very well, then.  But no more surprises!"                  
                                                            
19696 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          John Ciardi              



As she lounges 'mid carnal debris,                          
A Countess is bored with these three.                       
Now the bearded old lover                                   
Leaps down from above her                                   
To assault her again. Quel ennui.                           
                                                            
19697 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Gents Alphabet Book P9506



Said a frowsy French maid named Louise,                     
"In France, we do it by threes;                             
I would not oo-la-la                                        
At a menage-a-trois,                                        
But a menage-a-quatre, if you please!"                      
                                                            
19698 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Jim Weaver Collection    



If I had a girl named Delores,                              
I would take her out into the forest;                       
Lying under tree,                                           
We could fuck until three --                                
Till four, only if there were more o' us!                   
                                                            
19699 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Jim Weaver Collection    



There's Milly and Molly and Mandy,                          
3 sisters, and all of them randy.                           
For sex they've veen gagging,                               
3 hours.  I'm flagging,                                     
Hey Pete, got a spare dildo handy?                          
                                                            
19700 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



I'll come to the rescue, old son;                           
My fly is already undone.                                   
(This Velcro is handy)                                      
But tell me...is Mandy                                      
Or Milly or Molly a nun?                                    
                                                            
19701 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



No matter; now go take a rest;                              
I'll be there in a jiffy, undressed,                        
To stick willy in Milly                                     
Get randy with Mandy                                        
And jolly-up Molly with zest.                               
                                                            
19702 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



You men don't really need to fight;                         
Three dicks will fit her just right.                        
In her ass and her cunt,                                    
And her mouth (What a stunt!)                               
Pinch her nose and she's now water-tight.                   
                                                            
19703 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Phred                    



There once was a threesome so fine,                         
That thought that young Sammy would shine.                  
They patted his head                                        
And took him to bed,                                        
And posted some pictures online.                            
                                                            
19704 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Jon Downie               



There were three young girls in St. Thomas,                 
Arrived at a dance in pajamas.                              
They got screwed by the drummer,                            
And this went on all summer.                                
I'm surprised that by now they ain't mamas.                 
                                                            
19705 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



A carefree young woman name Nola,                           
One time in a summer pergola,                               
Took care of three men,                                     
Again and again,                                            
And did it on just Coca-Cola.                               
(pergola - covered walkway)                                 
19706 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Isaac Asimov             



The lovely Irene that I knew                                
Said, "Dear Pete, I would sure like to screw;               
But I hope you're aware                                     
That my bedroom I share                                     
With young Debbie and step-sister Sue.                      
                                                            
19707 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Peter Wilkins            



If you're speaking of actions immoral,                      
Then how about giving the laurel                            
To the doughty Queen Esther,                                
No three men could best her--                               
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.                        
                                                            
19708 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                              L0311



If Sue and Irene got together,                              
I'd do it with Deb who wore leather.                        
If Deb was with Sue                                         
Or Irene I would do                                         
It with who was left over, however.                         
                                                            
19709 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



If all of them did it together,                             
And left me alone with my nether                            
Bits sticking up straight,                                  
I'd be patient and wait                                     
Or I'd phone for voluptuous Heather.                        
                                                            
19710 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



I suggest that we tag-team her meat.                        
It's an "all for one, one for all" treat.                   
As the third musketeer,                                     
I'll take throat, puss or rear,                             
As we pierce with our blades, her damp heat.                
                                                            
19711 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



There was a young girl from Balmoral                        
Whose habits were highly immoral.                           
For the price of a dime                                     
She took three at a time:                                   
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.                        
                                                            
19712 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                              G0516



Said Hassam, while showing his harem,                       
"Friend Oojum, your root shouldn't scare 'em.               
If you hanker for boojum                                    
Take one or two, Oojum,                                     
Or even try three...I can spare 'em!"                       
                                                            
19713 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Grand Prix Lim  280      



A strange girl, that Henrietta,                             
Liked bondage, with handcuffs and fetter.                   
When wanting a screw,                                       
And her man wasn't due,                                     
She fucked herself with a Beretta.                          
                                                            
19714 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



And as for her sister Jacquetta,                            
I found just as soon as I met her,                          
The strength of her fart,                                   
Near blew me apart,                                         
They called her, I think, a jet-setter.                     
                                                            
19715 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



And so now we come to Loretta,                              
I've never met any chick wetter;                            
She loves you to pet her,                                   
So Get your french letter,                                  
And pet her, you better go get her.                         
                                                            
19716 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



A horny young chick, Henrietta,                             
Does tricks with her sister Jacqetta.                       
They're both twenty-one                                     
But it's double the fun,                                    
When they're joined by their sister Loretta.                
                                                            
19717 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



These sisters, they soon came upon                          
Three brothers - Alphonse, Don and Juan,                    
Who's big throbbing pricks                                  
Soon had these wet chicks                                   
In a frenzy, but don't tell their mom.                      
                                                            
19718 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



'Cause mom is a horny old broad,                            
Whose passions just can't be ignored.                       
For an appetizer                                            
(And none be the wiser)                                     
She'd let those three bro's climb aboard.                   
                                                            
19719 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4                                   



An insatiable woman named Dee                               
Said, "There're never enough men for me!                    
So instead of just one,                                     
I'll finally have fun,                                      
And triple my pleasure with three!"                         
                                                            
19720 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Lims For Year - 01       



Two brothers in arms, Bart and Hewitt,                      
Decided they'd finally do it                                
With their ladies of heart.                                 
Bart made a good start,                                     
And then it was Hewitt who blew it.                         
                                                            
19721 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Carl Ludvig         P0206



A lusty young girl named Cassandra                          
Wanted sex, as did her sister, Sandra.                      
Two under-achievers                                         
Obliged these two beavers.                                  
Would you call this a 'double ententre?'                    
                                                            
19722 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Al Willis           T9710



There once was a grand threesome party,                     
But for some reason, they didn't include me.                
I could have been on the top                                
With a lick and a hop,                                      
But I guess I'll wait for the orgy.                         
                                                            
19723 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Steve Schrader           



A third hand would be rather handy                          
When me and my Wendy get randy.                             
While Wendy then blows,                                     
One takes care of her rose,                                 
And the others pet Candy and Mandy.                         
                                                            
19724 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Dirruk                   



There was a young woman named Susan                         
Who found it completely amusin'                             
To make love to three men                                   
Although who did what when                                  
Was frequently rather confusin'.                            
                                                            
19725 CONGRESS - MENAGE - 4          Isaac Asimov             



"The randy old Shah of Iraq                                 
Found his harem stretched flat on its back.                 
He cried, "The sex area                                     
Of five hundred sure scare ya',                             
So I've canceled my plan of attack!"                        
                                                            
19726 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Grand Prix Lim  474      



That gal who lived up on the hill,                          
Was balling a fellow named Bill,                            
When her husband named Jack                                 
Snuck into the back,                                        
And buggered the shit out of Jill.                          
                                                            
19727 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



The three of them romped and they played;                   
Together they pitched and they swayed.                      
Then they rolled down the hill --                           
Jack in back, Bill in still --                              
And the neighbors appeared quite dismayed.                  
                                                            
19728 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



Jack suffered a minor concussion;                           
Jill ached from dual-action percussion.                     
Bill sprained his left wrist,                               
And a genital twist,                                        
But their next rendezvous's in discussion.                  
                                                            
19729 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



Well, the tDoc says that Jack's head will mend,             
And sweet Jill's pelvic aches will soon end.                
Bill's wrist's in a cast;                                   
His pain didn't last,                                       
Though his dick's got an interesting bend.                  
                                                            
19730 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



Together they talked of positions                           
To accomplish two-way intromissions,                        
And a meeting place that                                    
They agree must be flat,                                    
But Jill had a couple conditions.                           
                                                            
19731 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



She said, "Let's seduce that Snow White,                    
Who's quite pretty, well built and my height.               
Since I know that she tends                                 
To pick pretty small friends,                               
When you ask her, please word it just right."               
                                                            
19732 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



'Twas Jack who approached this fair maid,                   
Who was used to small dicks when she's laid.                
So he asked, "Wouldn't you                                  
Like a big cock to screw?"                                  
An invite she carefully weighed.                            
                                                            
19733 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



In a gentle soft voice spoke Snow White,                    
With her nipples erect - sweater tight,                     
"When my seven small lovers                                 
Crawl under the covers,                                     
Fourteen hands, seven tongues treat me right."              
                                                            
19734 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



She wasn't impressed by Jack's size,                        
But when Bill showed his big corkscrew prize,               
Jack was clearly quite pissed,                              
By this interesting twist,                                  
And the maiden said, "I'll compromise."                     
                                                            
19735 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



So the foursome met just as was planned,                    
In a field that was flat, level land.                       
In positions quite lewd                                     
Each in turn was well screwed                               
When appeared that small seven man band.                    
                                                            
19736 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



First Jack and then Bill fell asleep,                       
Each dreaming of screwing Ba Peep.                          
And 'twos just about then                                   
That the seven small men                                    
And the gals formed a gyrating heap.                        
                                                            
19737 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



Fourteen hands, seven tongues, seven dicks                  
And the women went wild with the licks.                     
Snow White came four times,                                 
Dopey sure rang Jill's chimes,                              
Then they picked up their shovels and picks.                
                                                            
19738 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



The seven then circled the spot                             
Where the gals were still horny and hot. T                  
he guys sang, "Hi Ho,                                       
Off to work we will go."                                    
And they did some new things they'd been taught.            
                                                            
19739 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



The woman who lived in a shoe,                              
Had schooled them in just what to do,                       
And Jill and Snow White                                     
Expressed utter delight,                                    
As the seven were nowhere near through.                     
                                                            
19740 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



They knew how to lick and to suck,                          
To fondle, to stroke and to fuck.                           
They felt it their duty                                     
(As with Sleeping Beauty                                    
And that swan who was one ugly duck.)                       
                                                            
19741 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



The gals were in sexual heaven,                             
Possessed and caressed by the seven                         
And throughout the long night,                              
Both Jill and Snow White                                    
Lost count of their comes at eleven.                        
                                                            
19742 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



In the morning the seven gave pecks                         
On the back of the sleeping girl's necks,                   
And they then formed a line                                 
And marched off to the mine,                                
For there's much more to life than just sex.                
                                                            
19743 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



In a while it was Jack who awoke,                           
And he gave neighbor Bill a firm poke,                      
But the two pretty lasses                                   
Had worn out their cute asses                               
And slept on as these gentlemen spoke.                      
                                                            
19744 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



"Don't know about you, but I'm spent,                       
And the gals look to me quite content,"                     
Bill then took a breath,                                    
"Guess we screwed them to death,                            
And look Jack, my dick's now unbent."                       
                                                            
19745 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



When the women awoke about ten,                             
They each asked to go at it again.                          
Though the guys both declined,                              
The two girls didn't mind,                                  
'Cause they knew of a means to their end.                   
                                                            
19746 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



Jack and Bill then when off for some eggs,                  
And the gals intertwined their long legs.                   
With a grind and a bump                                     
And a circular hump,                                        
They stirred up a need that now begs.                       
                                                            
19747 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



Now it happened as these women played,                      
That a young man who sought to get laid                     
Was walking their way,                                      
In search of a lay,                                         
When he spotted the buns of a maid.                         
                                                            
19748 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



To himself said this young Tommy Tucker,                    
"If she wants, I will certainly fuck her."                  
His excitement then grew                                    
When he saw there were two.                                 
"If Jill sits on my face I will suck her."                  
                                                            
19749 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



"Snow White can climb up on my cock,"                       
That by now was as hard as a rock,                          
And he found that wet place,                                
As Jill sat on his face,                                    
'Twas hot action, no foreplay, no talk.                     
                                                            
19750 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



Jill counted her orgasms as four,                           
Snow White said "I had even more."                          
As for young Tommy Tucker,                                  
That lucky-ass fucker,                                      
He screwed till his member was sore.                        
                                                            
19751 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



He had no sooner hobbled from view,                         
When Jack and Bill called to the two,                       
"After eating some food,                                    
We're both in the mood,                                     
So who is now up for a screw?"                              
                                                            
19752 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



These guys, of course, had no awareness,                    
And the gals would not tell out of fairness,                
Of the guys who came calling                                
And the licking and balling,                                
And of sensual hands on their bareness.                     
                                                            
19753 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



The gals were not totally through,                          
And both were quite willing to screw,                       
Which they did doggy style                                  
And then fell in a pile,                                    
Although neither knew who had screwed who.                  
                                                            
19754 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



I think that my chances are slim                            
Of forgiveness when off on a whim,                          
For in limericks so lewd                                    
Sleeping Beauty is nude,                                    
And my fairy tales tend to be grim.                         
                                                            
19755 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



The Cap'n does not take offense,                            
Nor does he go off in defense,                              
If you add to my verse                                      
And keep it perverse,                                       
He gladly and fully consents.                               
                                                            
19756 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Cap'n Bean               



An orgy was held on the lawn,                               
And we knocked off two hours before dawn.                   
We found ourselves viewing                                  
Twenty-two couples screwing,                                
But by sun-up, they'd all come and gone.                    
                                                            
19757 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Anon                G0639



The orgy we held on Al's lawn                               
We knocked off two hours before dawn.                       
For next door Mrs Klopps                                    
Put a call in for cops,                                     
But by then, we had all come and gone.                      
                                                            
19758 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Grand Prix Lim  972      



A McDougal Street beatnik named Marty                       
Gave a drunken, undraped, dirty party.                      
To the cop he explained,                                    
"The raid has me pained...                                  
Beat it fuzz, you don't get none, you smarty!"              
                                                            
19759 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Grand Prix Lim  890      



Hot bodies lay piled in a stack,                            
"Come join us," a gal called to Jack.                       
But some firmness was needed,                               
And so the man pleaded,                                     
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!"                     
                                                            
19760 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Bob Birch           P0010



A meter maids male entourage,                               
Each evening, serves her a menage.                          
She rips up their tickets                                   
While they licks and sticks it                              
And double-park in her garage!                              
                                                            
19761 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       H Welchel                



I ain't seen a group that's so dead                         
Since me and my trusty cook, Fred,                          
Once picked up three chicks                                 
And gave 'em our dicks                                      
At Maude's in a soakin' wet bed.                            
                                                            
19762 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY                                



The bedroom has lost its decorum.                           
With group sex, it's more like a Forum.                     
It once was avowed                                          
That three was a crowd,                                     
But today, it's not even a quorum.                          
                                                            
19763 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY                                



In this orgy I hope there's a place                         
For a wee one; I won't take much space.                     
If you're worried 'bout size                                
I'm reducing my thighs...                                   
But I can't shrink the grin on my face!                     
                                                            
19764 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Jim Weaver Collection    



Beavis & Butthead to a bacchanalia;                         
Through Saturday night saturnalia.                          
The morn after the orgy,                                    
Said to passing clergy,                                     
"Learn to be upright like our genitalia!"                   
                                                            
19765 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Jim Weaver Collection    



At the orgy last night Dionysus,                            
In a rather remarkable nisus,                               
Had ten maids, a goat,                                      
Four pink boys, and a shoat,                                
In sixteen consectutive trices.                             
(nisus - striving or inclination)                           
19766 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       John Ciardi              



At the sight of all that tender meat,                       
The girls quickly came into heat.                           
While the band played a waltz,                              
They grabbed all the balls,                                 
And worked for release of the seed.                         
                                                            
19767 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Anon                     



My orgy was clearly aborted,                                
For nobody came, they reported;                             
My guests were too old,                                     
Although I was told                                         
That Viagra was frequently snorted.                         
                                                            
19768 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Norm Storer         P0012



To play was a young lady's dream                            
With the Ottawa Rough Rider team --                         
Inside guard or fullback,                                   
On defense or attack,                                       
In an orgy of mud and whipped cream.                        
                                                            
19769 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Hugh Oliver           53b



But then I met Georgie the Porgie,                          
Who invited me out to an orgy,                              
Where boys came to play                                     
And all I can say                                           
Is I wish I could sit, but I'm soregie.                     
                                                            
19770 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY                                



A compliant young girl of South Bend,                       
Ever eager to follow the trend,                             
Was invited to screw                                        
At an orgy or two                                           
But was soon tuckered out -- in the end.                    
                                                            
19771 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Keith MacMillan     A047A



At the orgy, I humped twnety-two...                         
And, MAN, was I glad to get through!                        
A whole night of sexing                                     
Turns boring and vexing...                                  
But at orgies, what else can you do?                        
                                                            
19772 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Grand Prix Lim  209 G0788



At a party at Jodrell Bank,                                 
I'd forgotten just how much we drank.                       
The snag was an orgy;                                       
As I said to Boy Georgie,                                   
"When you leave, you don't know who to thank."              
                                                            
19773 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Bill Wall                



There was a young woman named Jackie                        
Who considered straight sex to be tacky;                    
But with five or six pals,                                  
(Some guys and some gals)                                   
The results were delightful, by cracky.                     
                                                            
19774 CONGRESS - MENAGE - ORGY       Isaac Asimov             



This Carol I'd sure like to meet!                           
I think we'd together be a treat.                           
She'd be sort of perverse,                                  
Not chaste, the reverse,                                    
To make my small orgy a treat.                              
                                                            
19775 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Eugene Griessel          



Let me give you some very good advice:                      
Though orgies with her are quite nice,                      
It's best not to chance, sir,                               
To woo or romance her,                                      
Or I'll squeeze your nuts in a vice.                        
                                                            
19776 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Young Sue, in the Lincolnshire fen,                         
Has done it with thousands of men,                          
In threesomes and foursomes                                 
But frequently moresomes,                                   
And often as many as ten!                                   
                                                            
19777 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



Despite all this sexual action,                             
Poor Sue has had no satisfaction.                           
"I need someone wide                                        
To touch on the side,                                       
In hopes that I'll get a reaction."                         
                                                            
19778 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Tim Chimera              



From the current debates I'll refrain                       
For it's hurting my simpleton brain.                        
Let's get back to the biz;                                  
I'm beginning to fizz;                                      
Is it time for an orgy again?                               
                                                            
19779 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



For those less pre-occupied here,                           
I've got whiskey and soda and beer,                         
And a matress so large,                                     
It would fill up a barge,                                   
And some interesting foul-looking gear.                     
                                                            
19780 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



It's free and it won't cost you cash,                       
(Though you have to supply your own hash).                  
So come on in here                                          
For a night full of cheer,                                  
And a bawdy and riotous bash.                               
                                                            
19781 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



A bawdy and riotous bash?                                   
With whipped cream and sticky pistach-                      
io syrup that drips                                         
On ambrosial nips?                                          
And naked, male buttocks to flash?                          
                                                            
19782 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Ericka                   



A voracious, rapacious good time?                           
With whiskey and bloody good rhyme?                         
With young naked males                                      
Serving double cocktails                                    
To AJL ladies?  Well I'm...                                 
                                                            
19783 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Ericka                   



...All ears now, my dear, tell me more!                     
(Oh sweet long-limbed guy I adore!)                         
Let's get out that wide                                     
Big mattress and ride,                                      
Right here on the sitting room floor!                       
                                                            
19784 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Ericka                   



Remember Lord Peter of Buckingham,                          
Entertained ladies by fucking 'em?                          
Gamekeeper Fritz                                            
Shot his bollocks to bits;                                  
Now he's known as Lord Peter of Sucking 'em.                
                                                            
19785 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



He's moved from his country estate                          
To a mansion in Notting Hill Gate,                          
West of London. I'm told                                    
That next Friday he'll hold                                 
Bacchanalian revels at eight.                               
                                                            
19786 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



As butler I'll buy in the wine                              
And invite all you ladies divine                            
To this orgy, bar none,                                     
And assure you of fun                                       
With some gentlemen colleagues of mine.                     
                                                            
19787 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



The last time we held such a bash (in                       
The country estate), we were thrashin'                      
Around in a haze,                                           
For some two or three days,                                 
In an orgy of infinite passion.                             
                                                            
19788 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Lord P's balls I've got in a jar,                           
In the boot of my new motor-car.                            
I bought them from Fritz,                                   
Who readily admits                                          
They're the largest he's shot off so far.                   
                                                            
19789 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



What good old Lord P doesn't know yet,                      
Is just before dinner, I'll go get                          
His missing preserves,                                      
And make them hors d'oeuvres,                               
And serve them to guests at his beau fete!                  
                                                            
19790 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



What ho, it's Lord Peter whose bits                         
Got shot orf by his gamekeeper Fritz;                       
But to you I'll reveal                                      
I've replaced them with steel                               
Ones; we'll see if my rapier fits.                          
                                                            
19791 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Ah yes, those ball bearings inside                          
You, sure make my new rapier glide                          
In and out without hitch;                                   
May I press on this switch,                                 
And go galloping off for a ride?                            
                                                            
19792 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



I went to a party today.                                    
When I got there it was well under way;                     
There were bodies and limbs,                                
Nipples, titties and quims,                                 
In a writhing and steamy affray.                            
                                                            
19793 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



I ripped off my clothes and piled in                        
With a whoop and a yell and a grin,                         
And was buried in busty                                     
Curvaceous and lusty                                        
Young chicks who were panting for sin.                      
                                                            
19794 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



They started to tease me and stroke                         
Me and begged me to give 'em a poke.                        
As they opened their thighs                                 
And grabbed hold of my prize...                             
And then, dammit and blast, I awoke.                        
                                                            
19795 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



You know I am just so depressed;                            
Don't know what to do for the best.                         
Does anyone care?                                           
Is anyone there?                                            
If there is, please, a hug I request.                       
                                                            
19796 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



There is nobody here but us chickens.                       
Quick, feel how my pulse sudden quickens                    
At the thought we're alone;                                 
Oh, look what has grown!                                    
It's not only the plot that now thickens.                   
                                                            
19797 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



The best thing to do for depression                         
Is find an orgy that's now holding session,                 
Then let yourself go                                        
And put on a show,                                          
After wiping your bod in oil Wesson!                        
                                                            
19798 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Our Les, all alone in his garden                            
Had a strange, telepathic good hard'n.                      
His surprise grew no greater                                
When two minutes later                                      
In walked the most lovely Miss Arden.                       
                                                            
19799 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Frank next arrived with his cow                             
And proceeded to demonstrate how                            
A session with Bess                                         
Can be not a bit less                                       
Of a hit than that German's Jungfrau.                       
                                                            
19800 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Our next was a guest who'd instill us                       
With pride in our verse: Mr. Willis.                        
(Al's made Pentatette                                       
And likes pretty girls yet                                  
And can show us some tricks that would kill us.)            
                                                            
19801 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Mr. Malo, that surly curmudgeon,                            
Arrived with his nail-studded bludgeon.                     
He adroitly hammers                                         
On idiots and spammers                                      
And carries a permanent grudge on.                          
                                                            
19802 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Any chance that this party was failin'                      
Blew away when in blew Ms. Kaylin.                          
Then Peter dropped in                                       
With a lovely named Lynn,                                   
And a Faerie jumped over the railin'.                       
                                                            
19803 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Shagnasty just sauntered on by;                             
I've never figured that guy.                                
He posts lots of verse                                      
(Of which I've seen worse)                                  
And no one takes notice; so WHY!                            
                                                            
19804 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Paar Swensen, what happened to him?                         
He used to do limericks with vim.                           
His fine verbal fencing                                     
Had some of us sensing,                                     
Our chance to beat him was slim.                            
                                                            
19805 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



The orgy gained momentum when                               
Some newbies, excorted by Jen                               
Dropped their drawers in a pile                             
And wearing a smile,                                        
Picked a partner or two -- maybe ten...                     
                                                            
19806 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Some others were present as well                            
(You know who you were, raising hell.)                      
What you were doing                                         
'S more naughty than screwing.                              
(But I tell you that I'll never tell!)                      
                                                            
19807 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



Yours truly was there all along                             
In the corner just suckin' his dong.                        
And watching the snatches                                   
And sniffing damp patches                                   
And dreaming up words for this song.                        
                                                            
19808 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller              



This party was really a blast;                              
Everyone got to meet, at last --                            
John quite his smoking                                      
And just started poking                                     
Anything that just happened to pass!                        
                                                            
19809 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Kaylin Brandon           



Now it seems while I slept with you here,                   
You were having this crazy idea                             
Of a Full Monty Circus.                                     
How hard would you work us?                                 
I'm game if the others appear.                              
                                                            
19810 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Frank                    



Too bad, but I have to decline,                             
Or maybe I could serve the wine.                            
I'd just be a bore;                                         
Lost my dick in the war.                                    
They shot off that prize which was mine.                    
                                                            
19811 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Frank                    



Three couples through making a bet,                         
Decided they'd grunt, grind and sweat,                      
Through each combination                                    
Of love permutation;                                        
That's why they were called the sex-tet.                    
                                                            
19812 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



The news of this sex-tet is buzzin,                         
Since one of the six is a cousin,                           
And then there's a brother                                  
And sister and mother;                                      
They sure are a dirty half-dozen.                           
                                                            
19813 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Oh yeah.... Oh yeah, Burghers now hear!                     
For you there's flowing free beer.                          
Pretty maidens a lot,                                       
And believe me they're hot;                                 
So it ends in an orgy I fear.                               
                                                            
19814 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Throw off your frustrations and stress,                     
And make of the whole town a mess.                          
Forget troubles you're in;                                  
Hip hip hurray for the sin!                                 
Two long days, it's a feast of the flesh.                   
(SLOC - Salt Lake City Olympic Committee)                   
19815 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Morality rules, normally strict                             
Are lifted so there's no conflict.                          
Sister Lucy, head bowed,                                    
To the men in the crowd,                                    
Hands tickets to the red-light district.                    
                                                            
19816 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



As for women, I'm happy to tell:                            
For them, some surprises as well.                           
On a stage you can test                                     
Who seduces the best --                                     
To the onlookers funny as hell.                             
                                                            
19817 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



We didn't forget history;                                   
Dusted off our old pillory.                                 
They'll been blown off their socks                          
Those big studs in the stocks,                              
By a chick with the name Hillary                            
                                                            
19818 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Would-be witches, girls we will make                        
You experience being burned at the stake.                   
When your pussies get hot,                                  
We quench the whole lot;                                    
Rest assured the procedure's a fake                         
                                                            
19819 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Around the phallic white monument,                          
Will be held sort of a tournament.                          
But no brave men will die;                                  
Lances stuck out their fly,                                 
The loser's whose tool first is bent.                       
                                                            
19820 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



So lovers, go see Mistress Heather                          
With her whips and dressed-up in black leather.             
As you're tied to the rack,                                 
She will straighten your back;                              
It's a treat you can get nowhere better.                    
                                                            
19821 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



In the church next to the royal palace                      
Is a great show especially for fellas.                      
Women fight in the mud,                                     
Bare except for their butt,                                 
And the referee is Reverend Wallace.                        
                                                            
19822 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



For the not too blase population,                           
We have young girls with high expectation.                  
They throw a small ring                                     
Around a man's thing;                                       
There's a catch -- he had just copulation.                  
                                                            
19823 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



The ladies of Gwen's pleasure house                         
Will entertain many a spouse,                               
While the wives get to meet                                 
The Chippendales for a treat,                               
So both get a fair chance to arouse.                        
                                                            
19824 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Beneath a crane, John and Denise                            
Perform on the flying trapeze.                              
They'll show off their talent;                              
Nisie's arms backwards bent,                                
Hanging on to John's balls by her teeth.                    
                                                            
19825 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



For the dare-devils or downright silly,                     
There's a special in tattoo shop -- Billy,                  
While his assistant Sandra                                  
Tickles your senses, sans bra,                              
He needles a pictures on your willie.                       
                                                            
19826 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Have a go, girls, for fine body-art;                        
It gives a sensual feel for a start.                        
When the artist's brush stipples                            
The paint 'round your nipples,                              
They stand out -- become really hard.                       
                                                            
19827 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



At the damrak, sweet shoeshine-girl Joyce                   
Demonstrates one of her hot new ploys.                      
When you happen to meet her,                                
She will make glow your peter,                              
Whilst she hums with a sensual voice.                       
                                                            
19828 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



The ladies especially will like,                            
On the crossbar, to have a hitch-hike.                      
As the men run the race                                     
To win the prize for first place,                           
There's a handicap -- it's a girl's bike.                   
                                                            
19829 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



In the streetcars we took all the benches;                  
Replaced them with cross-latticed fences.                   
In the rails are wide gaps,                                 
So it might be perhaps,                                     
A hint to have a ride, you wenches.                         
                                                            
19830 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



At the palace, not front door but back,                     
When you give the clapper a whack,                          
It is never been seen,                                      
But now there's a queen                                     
Hands out vials filled chockfull with crack.                
                                                            
19831 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



For you girls there's a barber's quartet,                   
But unlike some others you've met,                          
They don't sing those octaves --                            
Rather offer close shaves,                                  
So your pussies look different in bed.                      
                                                            
19832 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Vondelpark is reserved for teen lovers,                     
'Cause they are the most often boffers.                     
The adults get a bed                                        
And roof overhead,                                          
Courtesy of the municipal coffers.                          
                                                            
19833 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Members of Amstel Scuba-Dive Club                           
Demonstrate they're as good as a sub.                       
When the ladies yell "High!",                               
All the divers will try                                     
To raise all their periscopes up!                           
                                                            
19834 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



Booth's Army girls for this occasion,                       
Scarcely dressed, lead you into temptation.                 
They ogle and wiggle                                        
Their hips and they giggle;                                 
You're farther away from salvation.                         
                                                            
19835 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



We are proud to say here ain't no bitches,                  
Except perhaps unforeseen glitches.                         
So for fear there's no need                                 
Should you happen to meet                                   
One whose openings are closed up with stitches.             
                                                            
19836 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



At the end of the day -- big surprise!                      
Will be tortured one of your bad guys.                      
Our sadistic Miss Heather                                   
Strokes his foot with a feather,                            
Till he laughs out his heart -- screams and cries!          
                                                            
19837 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



You ask what's the proper relation                          
Between you and this great invitation?                      
For one year, I can tell,                                   
You've been going through hell;                             
A good reason for fair compensation.                        
                                                            
19838 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES                              



In my dreams, I've had many young girls;                    
Different sizes and shapes but all pearls.                  
Gentle hands that would glide                               
All over my hide,                                           
Massaging in sensuous swirls.                               
                                                            
19839 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller 0145         



The minimum count, twenty one,                              
Is the least that I'd settle for fun.                       
I'd have one to linger                                      
On each toe and finger...                                   
Each doing what's best to be done.                          
                                                            
19840 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller 0145a        



Says my wife, and I know that she's right,                  
"Such a session would kill you out-right!"                  
It would kill me, I know;                                   
What a swell way to go!                                     
I wouldn't mind dying tonight...                            
                                                            
19841 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     John Miller 0145b        



Some days are much better than others;                      
Like, for instance, when Tammy's nine brothers              
Have all gone for the day,                                  
Then I've much time to play                                 
With her pussy and also her mothers.                        
                                                            
19842 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Travis Brasell           



Today, I have two rivers swum,                              
To eat one sweet "Tammian plum."                            
But those brothers nine                                     
Have ravaged the fine,                                      
But there still is the prune of the Mum.                    
                                                            
19843 CONGRESS - MENAGE - SERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



To her boss the stenographer said:                          
"Today we ain't hitting no bed.                             
You can ball the jack                                       
When I'm back in the black,                                 
But today my account's in the red."                         
                                                            
19844 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Grand Prix LIM  842      



That's not such an awful mistake,                           
For a horny young fellow to make,                           
Because menstruation,                                       
Just adds lubrication,                                      
And colourful sex in it's wake.                             
                                                            
19845 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Jayne                    



Said a man as he raised his flagon,                         
"My spirits are down; I'm just draggin'.                    
I will try evermore                                         
But I will never score;                                     
She always has the dread rag on!"                           
                                                            
19846 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Tom Patton          P0306



Asked a girl of young astronaut Brad,                       
"What excitement in space have you had?"                    
As he fondled her thigh                                     
He said, "Feelings run high                                 
At the moment we lift off the pad."                         
                                                            
19847 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2943



Don't despair during times of menstruation,                 
Nor send your mate out on vacation.                         
Sure the time's not ideal,                                  
And the mess is quite real,                                 
But it certainly beats masturbation.                        
                                                            
19848 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Vince Kasten             



What he thought was her thick lubrication,                  
Was found to be just menstruation.                          
There was blood on his face,                                
And all over the place,                                     
As a result of "red" hot fornication.                       
                                                            
19849 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



The bride enjoyed sex quite a bit,                          
But wondered when new groom might quit;                     
When period came,                                           
Each month was the same;                                    
Provided her with brief respite.                            
                                                            
19850 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Chris Papa               



Oral sex at that time groom would calm,                     
But when she required lip balm,                             
She'd stop but briefly,                                     
In time just to see,                                        
He'd fallen in love with his palm.                          
                                                            
19851 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Chris Papa               



I came this close to being a Dad!                           
I thought I would make out like mad.                        
I was about to dispose                                      
Of the silk pantyhose,                                      
When I then saw the damn Kotex pad.                         
                                                            
19852 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Jim Weaver Collection    



A friend of mine, one Arthur Bull                           
From these rhymes useful knowledge did cull.                
But his wife, an old hag,                                   
Waved her bloody red rag,                                   
Which made his sex life rather dull.                        
                                                            
19853 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Professor                



There's a beautiful girl in Batoche                         
Who agreed, after cocktails and nosh,                       
To take him to bed --                                       
But his face is still red,                                  
And the sheets had to go in the wash.                       
                                                            
19854 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           John E Mayhood      P0101



I once dared to stick in my prick,                          
Through blood and goo, oh so thick!                         
Then to clean up                                            
I called in her pup;                                        
She was happy to give it a lick                             
                                                            
19855 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



Tom lives with four women, you know.                        
It seems like a tough row to hoe.                           
Though his life's not all tranquil,                         
He still remains thankful                                   
Because he just goes with the flow.                         
                                                            
19856 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Ed                       



There once was a midget named Ron,                          
Who all the girls loved to climb on,                        
But the mean little runt                                    
Would crawl up their cunt,                                  
And be used as a human tampon.                              
                                                            
19857 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



She said there'd be no fornication,                         
'Cause she's having her monthly menstruation.               
I'm not turned off;                                         
We can still boff;                                          
Just improves overall lubrication.                          
                                                            
19858 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



By the light of the silvery moon,                           
I danced with my sweetheart too soon.                       
When I reached down to tickle,                              
I felt a warm trickle,                                      
And the band played an old ragtime tune.                    
                                                            
19859 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                              G0092A



"I'm wearing my Kotex," said Gert,                          
"So you can't stick your prick 'neath my skirt."            
Said her boyfriend, "So what,                               
I can still eat your twat,                                  
And the Kotex I'll have for dessert."                       
                                                            
19860 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1266



While lying asleep in my bed,                               
I dreamt I was giving Sue head.                             
I woke with this skag                                       
Who was now on the rag --                                   
My lips and my mouth were all red.                          
                                                            
19861 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Archie                   



Now that her bell has been rung,                            
And such a sad song you have sung,                          
It wasn't her rag                                           
Or the furious shag,                                        
But the fact that you've bitten your tongue.                
                                                            
19862 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Cyber Wizard             



I won't mess around with a platitude;                       
It's not about smell but an attitude.                       
She's danger at best                                        
When down on the nest,                                      
But monthly she comes up with a BATitude.                   
                                                            
19863 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Archie                   



Once Kitten and I had a scrapkin                            
Because I'd not purchase the napkin                         
She needed to soak                                          
Her 'monthly' -- "You bloke,"                               
Yelled she, "come and mop up my lapkin!"                    
                                                            
19864 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



There was a young girl from the Creek                       
Who had her periods twice every week.                       
"How very provoking,"                                       
Said the Vicar from Woking,                                 
"There's no time for poking, so to speak."                  
                                                            
19865 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Anon Cambridge 30's L1152



There was an old fellow named Morey,                        
And this is his sorrowful story.                            
He screwed each of a myriad                                 
Damsels during her period;                                  
And God!  Did the bedclothes get gory!                      
                                                            
19866 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Isaac Asimov             



There was a young seamstress named Lyriad                   
Whose talents were diverse and myriad.                      
She could sew and mend straight,                            
She'd do math, punctuate,                                   
And she never missed even one period.                       
                                                            
19867 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2175



A hard-headed pimp named of Garrity                         
Said, "One thing get straight and with clarity;             
You girls get the rag out                                   
And then hang the flag out:                                 
I don't run my business on charity."                        
                                                            
19868 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Armand E Singer       371



"Sorry Joe," said the dance-hall gal, Sally.                
"I'm afraid it's the wrong time to dally..."                
"Sal, I don't mind a bit,                                   
'Cause there's no fellow yet                                
Gone and drowned in THAT Red River Valley."                 
                                                            
19869 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Robin K. Willoughby P8412



Now there's not much motion to the bed,                     
But it's better than if she were dead.                      
But it's not much strain,                                   
And never a stain,                                          
'Less it's that time and it's red.                          
                                                            
19870 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           ylf                      



"Will you come with me back to my lair?"                    
He said this to curvy, young Claire.                        
"I can't have a date;                                       
It's day twenty-eight,                                      
And you know that I don't have a spare."                    
                                                            
19871 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



A husband with habits of cleanses                           
Was driven right out of his senses.                         
He made the mistake                                         
Of entering her crake,                                      
As wifey was having her menses.                             
                                                            
19872 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Archie                   



His hand gave equal time each breast,                       
His other hand her rear caressed.                           
But when he felt                                            
Her sanitary belt,                                          
His eagerness grew less and less.                           
                                                            
19873 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Irving Superior     P8802



Between sports and cavorting with Nereids                   
There are differences totaling myriads;                     
But the principle matter,                                   
It is only the latter                                       
Where there's play taking place between periods.            
                                                            
19874 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Thomas A. Quinine   P8306



Menstruation's not a subject for fun!                       
So annoying and nasty 'til done.                            
Of tampons we tire,                                         
(Teabags for vampire?)                                      
During bad week, a shag I won't shun!                       
                                                            
19875 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



Said the priest to Miss Bridget McLennin,                   
"Sure, a kiss on your twat, isn't sinnin',"                 
And he stuck to this story                                  
'Till he tasted the gory,                                   
And menstruous state she was then in.                       
                                                            
19876 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                               L0413



"I regret", she announced with a smile,                     
"That our music must wait for a while.                      
I would love a duet,                                        
But I can't join you yet,                                   
Because ragtime was never my style."                        
                                                            
19877 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                                    



There once was a young Aztec,                               
Who was fond of reading Steinbeck.                          
When asked where she read,                                  
She said, "Always in bed,                                   
Expecially when wearing Kotex.                              
                                                            
19878 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                               L1236



I came home at a quarter past two,                          
And there spread in bed was my Sue,                         
With my neighbor, old Fife,                                 
Going down on my wife,                                      
The day that her period came due.                           
                                                            
19879 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                               G0917



A precocious young girl of Batavia,                         
Widely known for outlandish behavia,                        
As her boyfriend withdrew                                   
Giggled, "Over to you                                       
With that ring on your ding I just gavia."                  
                                                            
19880 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Keith MacMillan     A085A



A lecherous barkeep named Dale,                             
After fucking his menstrous female,                         
Mixed Drambuie and scotch                                   
In the cream of her crotch                                  
For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.                               
                                                            
19881 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                               G0841



There was a young soldier named Kane                        
Who picked up a girl on the train.                          
He said fucking this wench                                  
Was like slogging the trench                                
In the midst of the tropical rain.                          
                                                            
19882 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Albin Chaplin   3024-0225



A young man on th banks of the Cam                          
Thought that sex was a snare and a sham.                    
So he writhed in the fetters                                
Of menstrual wetters,                                       
And said, "What a good boy I am!"                           
                                                            
19883 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                               G2284



Butch and a ugly skank, Sue,                                
In the woods, they knew what to do.                         
God only knows why,                                         
'Cause there's blood on her thigh,                          
But at least is was someplace to spew.                      
                                                            
19884 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Jim Weaver Collection    



An exhausted young gal from Sheboygan                       
Muttered, "Dammit, I'm starting to flow again.              
Let me clean up the mess                                    
With the hem of my dress,                                   
Then I think I'll be ready to go again.                     
                                                            
19885 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           R.A.M.              A125B



A happy young bridegroom named Bricken,                     
Fucked his bride, then proceeded with lickin'.              
But the blood that did spew                                 
From that vaginal stew,                                     
Had a taste that was strangely like chicken.                
                                                            
19886 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Al Chaplin          P9410



Lisped Sally, "No thir, Willie Bunth!                       
You muth try it out differenth thith wunth!                 
Not the old-fathioned way,                                  
But the CAFE AU LAY...                                      
Sinth thith ith that time of the month!"                    
                                                            
19887 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Grand Prix Lim  860      



When Mabel is using her tampons                             
Her panties will still become damp 'uns.                    
All smelly and red,                                         
That's quite enough said;                                   
Her hole is now too loose to clamp 'em!                     
                                                            
19888 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Tutta Gioia              



There was a young man named Levant                          
Whose girl on a date said, "I can't.                        
For my eyes have big bags on                                
And I now have the rags on,                                 
But I think you'll do fine with my aunt."                   
                                                            
19889 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2160



There was, on a time, a blind Druid                         
Who persistently women eschewed.                            
He said, "Fucking's all right                               
When a man's got his sight,                                 
And can watch for that menstrual fluid."                    
                                                            
19890 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS                               G2322



Maybe it's better for you,                                  
But besides all the mess and the goo,                       
I just don't wanna.                                         
So take your banana                                         
Elsewhere and do what you do.                               
                                                            
19891 CONGRESS - MENSTROUS           Karen                    



Well now, I have to protest!                                
Your words, now are surely in jest?                         
The heavenly smell                                          
That wafts from her well,                                   
Has always been voted "THE BEST!"                           
                                                            
19892 CONGRESS - MENSTRUOUS          Archie                   



A young girl from Boca Raton                                
Had a beau with a helluva bone.                             
No matter the weather                                       
When they got together,                                     
All of Florida heard the girl moan.                         
                                                            
19893 CONGRESS - NOISY               Actaeon                  



By luck an old spinster named Chape                         
Recorded the sounds of her rape;                            
All the grunting and wheezing,                              
And the sighs and the squeezing,                            
And she now has his pants all on tape.                      
                                                            
19894 CONGRESS - NOISY               Albin Chaplin   3024-1319



When boffing my cook, Madge MacAulay,                       
I'll tolerate her getting sprawly                           
All over the floor,                                         
But I do abhore                                             
Her climaxing yelling that's squally!                       
                                                            
19895 CONGRESS - NOISY               Travis Brasell           



A buxom young wench in McCloud,                             
When bedded, would yodel out loud;                          
She screamed! Headboard banging,                            
While neighbors out hanging;                                
She always amused a big crowd.                              
                                                            
19896 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



There's a question designed to perplex,                     
Concerning atheists of opposite sex.                        
To ask may seem odd,                                        
But do they scream "God"                                    
When reaching a climax at sex?                              
                                                            
19897 CONGRESS - NOISY               FCA                 T9711



The ways of young Karen in passion                          
Have set a new standard and fashion.                        
And what takes the prize                                    
Is the sound of her cries,                                  
When timed with the chandeliers crashing.                   
                                                            
19898 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



It's a pleasure I treasure to sin                           
With the lush, lustful, busty Miss Quinn.                   
Though her love sounds and crying                           
Prove terribly trying,                                      
For last week the cops busted in.                           
                                                            
19899 CONGRESS - NOISY               Grand Prix Lim  155      



The joints of an old man of Peking                          
Produced, when he moved, a loud creaking.                   
When immersed in love's joys,                               
The wild crackling noise,                                   
Often made the girls run from him, shrieking!               
                                                            
19900 CONGRESS - NOISY               Isaac Asimov             



Of young Karen I've heard quite a plenty                    
Of hollering as she rides my jimmy.                         
But her yelling don't count;                                
I prefer her dismount                                       
To her cry and her snort and her whinny.                    
                                                            
19901 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



A woman must constantly yak,                                
Even when she's 'neath you, on her back.                    
But you don't have to hear,                                 
Stick a tit in each ear,                                    
While you diddle away at her crack.                         
                                                            
19902 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



Those scared kangaroos in Australia                         
Can blame it on oversexed Thalia.                           
For they heard the babe screaming                           
When Tim started reaming,                                   
In her bedroom on Cunt Street, Sedalia.                     
                                                            
19903 CONGRESS - NOISY                                   G0513



The noises we heard from the attic                          
Weren't rodents...on that we're emphatic.                   
Hours later down came                                       
Cousin Pete and Aunt Mame,                                  
With looks best described as ecstatic!"                     
                                                            
19904 CONGRESS - NOISY               Grand Prix Lim  386      



A honeymooning couple from Lunn                             
Found the bedsprings were so overstrung,                    
That the rhythm soon harassed                               
Their duet and embarrassed--                                
So they left the finale unsung.                             
                                                            
19905 CONGRESS - NOISY                                   G2709



The walls of my house are so thin,                          
And at midnight I hear it begin                             
With a regular squeak                                       
'Til it reaches a peak                                      
When she screams (at 4:30), "It's IN!"                      
                                                            
19906 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



There's a beautiful girl down in Boise;                     
Her beauty is all that the boys see.                        
While most of them state                                    
That she's great on a date,                                 
Some complain she's a little too noisy.                     
                                                            
19907 CONGRESS - NOISY               John E Mayhood      P9805



A boy in his teens, all alone,                              
has moved upstairs (above my zone).                         
The walls are so thin                                       
I can hear a small pen,                                     
And quite often I hear a hormone.                           
                                                            
19908 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



He opens his windows to shout                               
To the street, where his friends hang about.                
He's so LOUD, this young man,                               
If he break-dances again,                                   
I'll dropkick his freakin' brains out!                      
                                                            
19909 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



A boisterous beauty of Boise,                               
In sex is exceedingly noisy.                                
In moments of passion,                                      
Her raptures Parnassian                                     
Are heard from Seattle to Joisy.                            
                                                            
19910 CONGRESS - NOISY               Keith MacMillan     A042A



One thing for sure has been shown,                          
Of this we have all long known,                             
As you scratch all the niches                               
Inside of her britches,                                     
Itch that hole and you'll hear a hormone.                   
                                                            
19911 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



"My Darling," Dick said, "I'll be blunt,"                   
As his prick went amuck in her cunt.                        
"I hear more from goats                                     
Than from feminine throats                                  
Such an inappropriate grunt."                               
                                                            
19912 CONGRESS - NOISY               Chairman Steve           



When someone is plowing my groove,                          
My language is sure to improve                              
To include dirty words                                      
Like fucking and turds;                                     
My purity's gone in one move.                               
                                                            
19913 CONGRESS - NOISY               Arden                    



I can't call my old boy a plow;                             
That's more than his size will allow.                       
At best, I can till                                         
But I find that it still                                    
Warrants "fuck" and "goddamn", not just "Ow!"               
                                                            
19914 CONGRESS - NOISY               Jason                    



Outside the hard rain was a-fallin';                        
In my bed we went about ballin'.                            
When the lightning, she struck,                             
It sure ruined our fuck                                     
And set up a great caterwaulin'!                            
                                                            
19915 CONGRESS - NOISY               Mikey              TP9901



"Toy boys" are to me a bore!                                
Mature men know what things are for!                        
Use your physique,                                          
To make bedsprings squeak!                                  
We'll screw right into the floor!                           
                                                            
19916 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



You see I don't want little boys.                           
I'll leave them to play with their toys.                    
Want a mature man,                                          
A solid and sure man.                                       
Get together and let's make some NOISE!                     
                                                            
19917 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



Communist cadre from Haiphong                               
Screwed a girl from the Vietcong.                           
But their passionate squeals                                
Drew the notice of Seals;                                   
Now the lovers are fishbait in the Mekong.                  
                                                            
19918 CONGRESS - NOISY               Bruce Thompson           



Dear Charlotte's bedsprings need oiling,                    
For when sexual action is boiling                           
Her audible labors                                          
Inform prudish neighbors                                    
She's back in the sack, hotly toiling!                      
                                                            
19919 CONGRESS - NOISY                                   G0157



A bitchy young babe from Le Bou                             
Complained everytime she would screw.                       
She was a big pain,                                         
As your pecker she'd drain,                                 
But with earplugs she surely would do                       
                                                            
19920 CONGRESS - NOISY               Lims For Year - 01       



I happen to know a Miss Naomi;                              
Has a pussy that's quite a bit foamy.                       
When anyone comes,                                          
Inside of her strums,                                       
The moaning and groaning no phony.                          
                                                            
19921 CONGRESS - NOISY               Arden                    



A blue-eyed man named Sean                                  
In bed could go on and on.                                  
He made his wife shriek,                                    
And the old bedsprings creak,                               
So they didn't rest until dawn!                             
                                                            
19922 CONGRESS - NOISY               AE                       



Coy Joyce from Dubois employs poise          (PA)           
With boys while deploying her joys.                         
Though she often decoys                                     
Older men with her toys,                                    
It's her noise that's her ploy to do boys.                  
                                                            
19923 CONGRESS - NOISY               Bob Giandomenico    P8805



I must admit I am a screamer,                               
A cursing reprobate blasphemer.                             
Especially when                                             
I come thrice again,                                        
And ain't too much milk in the creamer.                     
                                                            
19924 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



A nervous young nympho named Hyatt                          
When laid simply will not keep quiet...                     
In the midst of a reaming,                                  
The wench starts to screaming                               
Till she sounds like a one-woman riot.                      
                                                            
19925 CONGRESS - NOISY               Grand Prix Lim  142 G0620



I once knew a man named Jonah                               
Whose wife's name was Desdemona.                            
She made him so proud                                       
By screaming so loud,                                       
The neighbors call her Des-de-groana.                       
                                                            
19926 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



She told her friends about Jonah;                           
She told all, did Desdemona.                                
When asked why she'd yell                                   
So loud, she said "Hell,                                    
It's because of his oversized bona!"                        
                                                            
19927 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



To spy on the girls is revealing:                           
"That's all!" says the whore, void of feeling.              
The nypho's sad call:                                       
"My God, is that all?"                                      
The wife says, "I should paint the ceiling."                
                                                            
19928 CONGRESS - NOISY               Ed Potts            P8603



Once, when I lived in a flat,                               
The neighbors oft went to the mat.                          
They'd shake the duplex,                                    
But end with loud sex.                                      
Her screaming was that of a cat.                            
                                                            
19929 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



A screech was like that of a cat!                           
What is more normal than that?                              
The mat full of juice;                                      
Left her all wet and loose...                               
Hence the caterwaul from that old flat.                     
                                                            
19930 CONGRESS - NOISY               Tutta                    



A screech like that of a cat!                               
What is more normal than that?                              
The mat was all juicy,                                      
He fell on her pussy...                                     
Hence the caterwaul from that old flat.                     
                                                            
19931 CONGRESS - NOISY               Tutta Gioia              



Big Mama is here and she's dreaming;                        
Her cheeks and her eyes -- they are beaming,                
While she thinks of the one                                 
Who once gave her much fun,                                 
And had her ectstaticly screaming.                          
                                                            
19932 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



So how can she write a good Lim                             
While constantly thinking of him                            
Who was able and strong                                     
And who always stayed long                                  
before he filled her to the brim?                           
                                                            
19933 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



My girlfriend Miriam was dreamy,                            
With her sex was always steamy.                             
I found out one day,                                        
In an audible way                                           
Why the guys caller her 'Screaming Mimi!"                   
                                                            
19934 CONGRESS - NOISY               Mr Malo                  



There was a young woman named Ellie,                        
Who, when fellows lay down on her belly,                    
Would spur them along                                       
With shouts of "I'm gone!"                                  
Or "Darling, come shoot me your jelly!"                     
                                                            
19935 CONGRESS - NOISY                                   G0059



Just one hundred yards from my door,                        
There are meadows and woodlands galore,                     
Where on warm summer nights,                                
There are interesting sights,                               
Not to mention the sounds of l'amour.                       
                                                            
19936 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



"Oh Rodney!"  "Oh Debbie!"  "Oh Sam!"                       
"Are you coming?"  (Hump, hump)  "Yes, I am!"               
"Damn these thistles and ants!"                             
"That's disgusting! No chance!"                             
"Come on big boy, so prove it!"  (Wham, bam)                
                                                            
19937 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



"Oh Billy; you've messed up my dress!"                      
"Dearest brother, we mustn't ... oh yessss!"                
"So you call that a dick?"                                  
"You're perverted! That's sick!"                            
"God I love you ..."  (Squelch, moooo)  "... dearest Bess!" 
                                                            
19938 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



The groans and the squeals of delight                       
Keep me up (as it were) half the night;                     
So I've rigged up a search-                                 
light up there in that birch                                
And tonight I shall give them a fright.                     
                                                            
19939 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



Last night at a quarter past eight,                         
I crept silently out of my gate.                            
To the well-concealed searchlight                           
Up there in that birch; "Might                              
Be fun", I thought, "lying in wait."                        
                                                            
19940 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



By twenty past nine, sure enough,                           
I saw Suzi and Sam in the rough;                            
Then at nine forty-five                                     
I spied Debbie and Clive                                    
And heard sounds like the stuffing of muff.                 
                                                            
19941 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



At quarter past ten I saw Claire                            
With (I couldn't believe it) the mayor!                     
And I noticed young Jane                                    
(Who'd just stepped off the train)                          
In the grass with her legs in the air.                      
                                                            
19942 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



By half past eleven last night                              
The cacophonous sounds of delight                           
Became too much to bear;                                    
Time to give them a scare                                   
So I switched on the...                                     
                                                            
19943 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



OK, so I stayed 'til two forty                              
Just watching; does that make me naughty?                   
I think that I might                                        
Like to join 'em tonight                                    
With a ladyfriend eager and sporty.                         
                                                            
19944 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



Alas, don't know who to invite;                             
Must be someone who sets me alight                          
With audacious behavior;                                    
A right little raver ...                                    
Hey Carol, you'll join me tonight?                          
                                                            
19945 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



I once knew a girl from Seattle                             
Who sat quite tall in the saddle.                           
When she's on me in bed,                                    
She's bumping her head                                      
And the neighbors think there is a battle.                  
                                                            
19946 CONGRESS - NOISY               Mark                     



A wandering Munchkin named Syfe                             
Heard the most terrible strife.                             
The loud grinding and shearing                              
Led him to a clearing,                                      
Where the Tin Man was fucking his wife.                     
                                                            
19947 CONGRESS - NOISY               John Chastaine           



"I abhor," cried an oldster named Pease,                    
"Conversational screwing, dear -- please!                   
For your chatt-fuck talk                                    
Makes my ancient balls balk,                                
So that all I can shoot is the breeze!"                     
                                                            
19948 CONGRESS - NOISY               Jim O'Conner        P8509



It's a wonderful pleasure to sin                            
With the bountiful lusty Miss Quinn.                        
But her love-screams and crying                             
Are terribly trying--                                       
Twice last week the cops busted in.                         
                                                            
19949 CONGRESS - NOISY               Grand Prix Lim  155 G0760



A cold-headed woman, Cecile,                                
Had muscles and nerves made of steel.                       
So her lover, named Shorty,                                 
Used WD-40                                                  
To silence her orgasmic squeal.                             
                                                            
19950 CONGRESS - NOISY               Karen B                  



I have heard of a girl of Key Largo                         
Who imposes a sort of embargo                               
On incontinent men,                                         
If they grunt now and then,                                 
As they try to deliver their cargo.                         
                                                            
19951 CONGRESS - NOISY               Keith MacMillan     A034D



This girl with the green glaring eyes,                      
Would surely give you a surprise.                           
You'd be glad I came,                                       
And whisper the same,                                       
'Til your whispers gave way to cries.                       
                                                            
19952 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



There was a young man of Darjeeling                         
Whose wife found him hugely appealing,                      
Except for the fact                                         
That during the act,                                        
He woke up the children by squealing.                       
                                                            
19953 CONGRESS - NOISY               Norm Storer         P9703



I once knew a girlie called Dorcas,                         
Who'd gladly gyrate on my stalk as                          
We lay in the buff,                                         
But I wore my ear muff,                                     
'Cause the squeals when she came were so raucous.           
                                                            
19954 CONGRESS - NOISY                                        



Attached as I was to her crotch,                            
We wanted the heat up a notch                               
With a dog and a goat                                       
And an "electric throat"                                    
And a Cub Scout troop who would watch.                      
                                                            
19955 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



So I took her to see what we could                          
do with implements made out of wood.                        
Though splinters were scary                                 
in pine, oak, or cherry                                     
the stiffness was always quite good.                        
                                                            
19956 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



In a park in the middle of town                             
she and I did proceed to go down                            
on each other with glee,                                    
until we did see                                            
We were seen by a cop wearing brown.                        
                                                            
19957 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



"You are under arrest," he did say.                         
"In a prison you surely will stay."                         
Then, turning to me                                         
said, "You like sodomy?                                     
"When you get out of jail you'll be gay!"                   
                                                            
19958 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



To avoid this, we begged and we plead                       
(she offered to give him good head)                         
He started to waver                                         
when she mentioned this favor                               
And decided to join us instead.                             
                                                            
19959 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



His handcuffs were shiny and bright                         
And his uniform was quite a sight.                          
He possessed two "guns"                                     
And one was great fun                                       
But the other was shriveled and slight.                     
                                                            
19960 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



In dismay she 'cuffed him to a bench                        
with the skill that befits a good wench                     
There he sits to this day                                   
(he could not get away)                                     
and emits an incredible stench.                             
                                                            
19961 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



She and I went then into a store                            
To continue our kinky galore                                
Cucumbers and K-Y                                           
We proceeded to buy                                         
(We had stunned the shopkeeper for sure).                   
                                                            
19962 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



We picked up some chicks on the street                      
with a bad pick-up-line (it was neat!)                      
"Is it hot here?" we said                                   
"I'd rather be in bed,"                                     
they replied while examining my meat.                       
                                                            
19963 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



So I watched as those three got it on                       
and the urge did come to me to spawn                        
Without further ado                                         
I proceeded to screw                                        
Tina, Tiffany and, of course, Dawn.                         
                                                            
19964 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



When I woke the next morning alone                          
(as every day, sporting a bone)                             
Tina'd left a nice letter                                   
"I think I like them better."                               
And I cursed my cruel fate with a groan.                    
                                                            
19965 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



Bucolic's a dangerous life,                                 
With perils abundantly rife,                                
But not as life threatening                                 
As the day of my reckoning                                  
When found by my host with his wife!                        
                                                            
19966 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



The kid popped his gum when he saw                          
What extended straight out from his Paw.                    
As he pondered in wonder,                                   
He blurted this blunder,                                    
"How can all of that go into Maw?"                          
                                                            
19967 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Grand Prix Lim  787      



There was a young lady of Pinner                            
Whose hubby came home for his dinner.                       
And guess what he saw                                       
As he opened the door:                                      
The arse of the man who was in her.                         
                                                            
19968 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                G0160



Another odd cookie, Tamara                                  
Insisted I purchase a camera,                               
"So I can review                                            
The things that we do..."                                   
("Say, how'd I get here in the slamma'?)                    
                                                            
19969 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            John Miller              



There's no law against being a player                       
Or taking pics of your girl when you lay her.               
But you'll wind up in jail                                  
When you try to blackmail                                   
With those pics of your girl and the mayor!                 
                                                            
19970 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Joe Long                 



A locksmith from Barrow-on-Soar                             
Had affairs with women galore.                              
When caught en flagrante                                    
In bed with his Auntie,                                     
He made a bolt for the door.                                
                                                            
19971 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Spike Mulligan      P2005



The groom woke up late the third day,                       
To discover his bride's best friend, May,                   
Had come for a visit,                                       
And crying, "Where is it?"                                  
And tearing the bedclothes away.                            
                                                            
19972 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            John Ciardi              



A peeping Tom climbed up a tree,                            
A loving young couple to see;                               
They were flattered no end,                                 
And called out, "Bring a friend!                            
And after, we all can have tea!"                            
                                                            
19973 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Lucid Limericks     P0900



Working late in the night on an audit,                      
She shot him that glance; he caught it.                     
He followed her eyes                                        
As she watched his cock rise;                               
Well, why had they ne'er before thought it?                 
                                                            
19974 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



He gave her firm titties a toot                             
She grabbed his huge cock by the root                       
He blew wads on her smile                                   
As they worked down the aisle                               
Toward the produce for veggies and fruit                    
                                                            
19975 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



He intuberated her with a 'tater                            
Buns up in the lettuce and t'mater                          
Knee deep in zucchini                                       
He drove home his weenie                                    
While her tits tossed a salad for later                     
                                                            
19976 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



When the salad had had enough tossage                       
They headed straight down to the sausage                    
Take a left at baloney                                      
If you like your meat bony                                  
For a nice joint of beef on your mossage                    
                                                            
19977 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



When they worked their way round to the dairy               
Thats when things got kinda hairy                           
In spreading her legs                                       
She broke a few eggs                                        
So he had to get disciplinary                               
                                                            
19978 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



Duct tape, some scissors, and twine                         
Were over on aisle number nine;                             
Oil on seven;                                               
Tin foil on eleven,                                         
And 5 for a tin of boot shine.                              
                                                            
19979 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



They were rolling around bound and gagged,                  
Right there where the groceries are bagged.                 
They forgot in there funning,                               
The cameras were running;                                   
My, my, how the tongues round here wagged.                  
                                                            
19980 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



When you are young and like light                           
To show off your body -- delight!                           
But when you are older                                      
With blood running colder,                                  
You'll find you prefer candlelight.                         
                                                            
19981 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Sansuesi                 



I love her in the evening gown,                             
I love her in her nightie.                                  
But when the moonlight flits                                
Between her teats,                                          
Jesus Christ, Almighty!                                     
                                                            
19982 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                L1425



The things that go on in the crotch                         
Are anxiety-making to watch.                                
The dimensions of sex,                                      
Concave or convex,                                          
Drive many a watcher to Scotch.                             
                                                            
19983 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Gents Alphabet Book P8212



I coerced and I pleaded with ease,                          
Try it lying on back 'stead of knees.                       
I'll slide it right in,                                     
(That's when she started to grin)                           
And it shouldn't be too tight a squeeze.                    
                                                            
19984 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



As she lay there with heavenly charm,                       
Nursing manhood as long as her arm,                         
Her father bust in,                                         
With alarm and chagrin,                                     
And said, "My son, you just bought the farm!"               
                                                            
19985 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



His girlfriend said "Yes! -- Oh, elation!                   
But soon he cried out, "Oh, damnation!"                     
Her father came back                                        
Said "Who are you, Mack?                                    
"Where's my knife?  I'll do a castration!"                  
                                                            
19986 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



At this grave threat of mutilation,                         
The young man cried out in frustration,                     
"It took me a week                                          
Just to get a peek.                                         
You have ruined our recreation!"                            
                                                            
19987 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



A lacklustre lady of Broom,                                 
Weaveth all night at her loom.                              
Anon she doth blench                                        
When her lord and his wench,                                
Pull a chain in the neighboring room.                       
                                                            
19988 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                L0011



A prudish old maid of Revere                                
Said, "I QUIT strolling beaches, My Dear.                   
When I think I'm alone,                                     
I hear a girl moan,                                         
And see a man undulating his rear!"                         
                                                            
19989 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Grand Prix Lim  571      



It's tough to live next to the Wades                        
For they never pull down their shades.                      
While her figure is frightful,                              
Her technique is delightful,                                
Though not half as good as their maid's.                    
                                                            
19990 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Grand Prix Lim  105      



When her husband walked in on the pair,                     
He hid in the clothes closet there.                         
And when asked with a sneer,                                
"What are you doing here?"                                  
Said, "Everyone must be somewhere."                         
                                                            
19991 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            A. N. Wilkins       P8701



John said to his wife in Deposit,                           
"Tillie, now tell me, howzit                                
When we get into bed,                                       
You look over by head,                                      
And wink at the man in the closet?"                         
                                                            
19992 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



Tim said to his wife, up in Shafter,                        
"Seems to me there's a man in the rafter."                  
She smirked, and then said,                                 
"Come, get into bed.                                        
I'm saving that fellow for after."                          
                                                            
19993 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



A newspaper editor said                                     
"Lets catch someone famous in bed,                          
Or pretend that we did,                                     
Then blow off the lid.                                      
Oh, damn, there's some shit on my head".                    
                                                            
19994 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



Said an old man of Tehuantepec:                             
"I no longer chase women, by heck.                          
Nor would I, if I could;                                    
But my sight is still good,                                 
So I sit here and just rubberneck."                         
                                                            
19995 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            John P McKnight     P0303



I think you may find him quite cute;                        
He admits he's a tranvestite fruit.                         
So he closes his eyes                                       
When I'm boffing your thighs;                               
But his hearing is really acute.                            
                                                            
19996 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



But then they both shouted in chorus:                       
"Those curtains are really quite porous.                    
A crowd is outside,                                         
With their eyes open wide.                                  
Oh honey, do you think thesaurus."                          
                                                            
19997 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



In two hundred years of hard plugging,                      
We've arrived at a fine state of bugging.                   
Ahead, I'm construing,                                      
There is simply more screwing,                              
So I hope there's some kissing and hugging.                 
                                                            
19998 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2749



New laws did lawmakers discover                             
Affecting a girl and her lover.                             
The decree now made clear                                   
What was done in great fear,                                
Need no longer be done under cover.                         
                                                            
19999 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2018



You're a cop and you're sworn to protect us.                
And these guys in the car do respect us.                    
So, consider our plight                                     
And turn off the flashlight;                                
I hope that you don't disconnect us.                        
                                                            
20000 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Al Willis           T9712



"Well, I took your advice, Doc," said Knopp.                
"Told my wife to try it on top.                             
She bounced for an hour,                                    
Till she ran out of power,                                  
And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."             
                                                            
20001 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Anon                G0106



There was a young lady from Deanstown,                      
Who would have walked off with the queen's crown            
At the CYO Rally,                                           
Had not Father O'Malley                                     
Caught her playing boy-girl with her jeans down.            
                                                            
20002 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            John Ciardi              



To his bride, said a numskull named Clarence:               
"I trust you will show some forbearance.                    
My sexual habits,                                           
I picked up from rabbits,                                   
And occasionally watching my parents."                      
                                                            
20003 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                G0038



'Tis you, my dear, I love a lot.                            
I've felt this way since we were caught                     
By sweet Grandma Moore,                                     
Who called you a whore,                                     
For letting me play with your twat.                         
                                                            
20004 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



There once was a fellow named Clark                         
Who wouldn't make love in the dark.                         
Three faces said "Hi!",                                     
His wife said "Oh my!                                       
We might as well fuck in the park!"                         
                                                            
20005 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Sudo Nim                 



There was a young lady named Bundy                          
Who was fucked by a Belgian on Sunday.                      
On Tuesday a Uhlan                                          
To her twat put his tool in--                               
SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI.                                   
                                                            
20006 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                G0539



Rune opened the door in the night,                          
His father and I in full flight,                            
And said, out of the blue,                                  
"That what you do                                           
Is silly -- you should SLEEP at night!"                     
                                                            
20007 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Dana Hansen              



Said a nervous old maid in Grant's pass:                    
"I must stop taking walks through the grass.                
When I think I'm alone,                                     
I hear some girl moan,                                      
And step on some man's heaving ass."                        
                                                            
20008 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                G1560



While taking our Tea at the Ritz,                           
She rubbed all the jam on her tits.                         
So I took out my dick                                       
And inserted it quick                                       
Adding cream to her genital bits.                           
                                                            
20009 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



Then the waiter ran over to say                             
"You're causing an awful affray.                            
And you ordered, I see,                                     
Only jam with your tea.                                     
But with cream there is extra to pay."                      
                                                            
20010 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



So I threw him a handful of coins                           
And we carried on pounding our groins,                      
Till she opened her thighs                                  
With a cry of surprise,                                     
As an orgasm flooded her loins.                             
                                                            
20011 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



The waiter (now sounding quite gruff)                       
Said, "Madam, enough is enough!"                            
And keeping her cool,                                       
She said, "Piss off you fool!"                              
As I gave her some more of my stuff.                        
                                                            
20012 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



A priest in the very next chair                             
(Trying desperately hard not to stare)                      
Just gave us a glance,                                      
Then adjusted his pants                                     
And religiously muttered a prayer.                          
                                                            
20013 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



On the table she spread her legs wide                       
So I carried on pumping inside,                             
While a gathering crowd                                     
Started cheering aloud,                                     
As she screamed, "I'm enjoying this ride!"                  
                                                            
20014 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



The waiter, now quite at a loss,                            
And sounding exceedingly cross,                             
Said "Madam, this table                                     
Is very unstable;                                           
Desist or I'm calling the boss."                            
                                                            
20015 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



She was shouting out, "Give me some more!"                  
When the manager walked through the door.                   
He said, "It's the pits!                                    
Don't you know in the Ritz,                                 
That it's only allowed on the floor?"                       
                                                            
20016 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



Well, we left at a quarter past ten,                        
After tipping the waiter and then                           
As he opened the door,                                      
He whispered, "Be sure                                      
To take Tea at the Ritz once again."                        
                                                            
20017 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            PeterW                   



It was his first trip to the city;                          
He was young and looking for titty.                         
He found a sex show                                         
But you've got to know,                                     
The dogs that were humping weren't pretty.                  
                                                            
20018 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                     



There was a young man of high station,                      
Who was found by a pious relation,                          
Making love in a ditch,     (to a bitch)                    
To, I won't say a bitch,    (In I won't say a ditch,)       
But a lady of no reputation.(But terrane having no elevation
                                                            
20019 CONGRESS - OBSERVED                                L0101



Dear Nancy, on children she dotes;                          
Took in five of them, feeling her oats.                     
When her boyfriend came over,                               
She said, "Not now, Rover;                                  
The kids will all watch and take notes."                    
                                                            
20020 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Robert W. Wenck          



For sleeping my wife wears a mask.                          
"Why must you do that?" I ask.                              
To keep from my sight                                       
All sources of light."                                      
But not seeing me is its task.                              
                                                            
20021 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Tom Myers                



She also wears it during sex,                               
A wardrobe that's certain to vex,                           
Not only just me,                                           
But all folks who see                                       
The film at the porn CinepleXXX.                            
                                                            
20022 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Tom Myers                



There was a young woman named Linda,                        
Who did it in front of the winda.                           
The guys passing by                                         
Would give her the eye,                                     
But she didn't allow it to hinda.                           
                                                            
20023 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Isaac Asimov             



Out behind the barn, spread in the hay,                     
Farmer Fitt found his kid, Fanny May,                       
Diddled by the hired hand...                                
Said her pop, "Well, young man,                             
You can just take this lay for your pay!"                   
                                                            
20024 CONGRESS - OBSERVED            Grand Prix Lim  667      



There was a young woman from Paris,                         
Whom nothing at all could embarrass.                        
So when screwing at night,                                  
She would turn on the light                                 
For the audience out on the terrace.                        
                                                            
20025 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Isaac Asimov             



As he creamed my wife's cunt, the black said,               
"I could fuck this until she was dead!"                     
As he plugged up her trough,                                
I jerked myself off;                                        
"If that's how you feel, go ahead!"                         
                                                            
20026 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN                         L0347



A cutie...and if this doesn't swerve us!                    
...Tried selling sex, using curb service.                   
But so seldom a guy                                         
Stopped to buy...you know why?                              
Those spectators make 'em so nervous!                       
                                                            
20027 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Grand Prix Lim  510      



As Dame Eleanor came through the door,                      
Her chambermaid leaped from the floor,                      
Interrupting coition.                                       
"What a curious position!"                                  
Said the dame, "May I see it once more?"                    
                                                            
20028 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     John Ciardi              



It seems Tom and Anne made a pact,                          
Despite that they might just get sacked;                    
In the copy room,                                           
In the dark and the gloom,                                  
They managed to Xerox "The Act!"                            
                                                            
20029 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Frank Fazed              



Next day in the office, was found                           
A report that was just nicely bound,                        
And on the front cover                                      
Was Anne and her lover;                                     
All copies were soon passed around.                         
                                                            
20030 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Arden                    



Tom's size we could therefore deduce;                       
Now he's subject to all our abuse.                          
The pictures don't lie;                                     
Tom's hung like a fly;                                      
Should have chosen "enlarge" not "reduce".                  
                                                            
20031 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Arden                    



In the crags near the wild Mizen Head                       
Sure the couples you'd swear they were wed.                 
They lose all their shame                                   
And forget their good name,                                 
For they think that the grass is the bed.                   
                                                            
20032 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young girl from the States,                     
Holds the record for number of mates.                       
Her name it is Lillian;                                     
She's bedded a million                                      
And ten thousand against her front gates.                   
                                                            
20033 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Raymond Davies           



A potent libido still gnawed                                
The impotent gangster, who pawed                            
The girls of the house.                                     
What delighted the louse                                    
Was watching a stud fuck his broad.                         
                                                            
20034 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     A. N. Wilkins       P9002



Ornithologist, Wilbur C. Glover,                            
Saw a bird rare to fields of red clover.                    
The sight left him amazed                                   
More than that, somewhat dazed:                             
The petite Rosy Breasted Pushover.                          
                                                            
20035 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



The king and the queen had a ball                           
And their antics were witnessed by all,                     
As they screwed in display,                                 
In the midst of the day,                                    
On top of the castle's north wall.                          
                                                            
20036 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Cap'n Bean          P0012



I know a young lass named Kay,                              
Who would roll with the boys in the hay.                    
As they fucked hard and long,                               
The cows would look on,                                     
And it made the bull horny, they say!                       
                                                            
20037 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Limberick                



A lot of good movies are wrecks                             
With censors rating them X.                                 
See a man fuck a whore,        (They show immoral acts)     
Till his prick is all sore,    (And distort many facts)     
And not only that, they show sex!                           
                                                            
20038 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Chairman Steve           



Masters and Johnson profess                                 
All their work was for science, no less.                    
But if forced to say why                                    
Without telling a lie,                                      
"We like watchng them screw" they'd confess.                
                                                            
20039 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Fred Cohen          P8503



We're watching a wacky new show;                            
The contestants aren't in it for dough.                     
The way that it's played:                                   
If you win you get laid.                                    
They're calling it "Fucked If I Know!"                      
                                                            
20040 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Chuck Davis         P9408



His wife sued for divorce, claiming Drew,                   
Who had no balls at all, couldn't screw.                    
Through his lawyer, he said,                                
"Just bring in a bed                                        
And he'd show the judge that he could too."                 
                                                            
20041 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     A. N. Wilkins       P8701



At fair time, Miss Flora-Belle Lee,                         
Takes in city gents for a fee.                              
But she lets us homefolk,                                   
Perch up in that oak,                                       
By her window and watch the show -- free.                   
                                                            
20042 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     John Ciardi              



Life is merry in old Monterey.                              
When the duke woke up frisky today,                         
And had at her Grace,                                       
She kept doubling the pace,                                 
While the chambermaids shouted "Ole!"                       
                                                            
20043 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     John Ciardi              



A brother with no couth nor class!                          
Content he's not, making a pass,                            
No, he has to scorch                                        
Right there on the porch                                    
So passers-by must see his ass!                             
                                                            
20044 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN                              



A circus stunt pilot named Dunway                           
Was fucking his girl on the runway.                         
He received commendation                                    
And a standing ovation,                                     
But he said that he knew only one way.                      
                                                            
20045 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Albin Chaplin   3024-0124



Sighed a steno named Rosemary Croom,                        
As the boss slipped his VROOM in her womb,                  
"Though I'm glad you enjoy me,                              
Next time you employ me,                                    
Sent the other girls out of the room!"                      
                                                            
20046 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Grand Prix Lim no num    



Said a gentle old priest of Mount Balm:                     
"I beseech you, dear brethren, keep calm!                   
If you must really choose                                   
To make love in the pews,                                   
Will you wait will we've finished this psalm?"              
                                                            
20047 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



Aunt Mabel became quite a star;                             
In her youth, she really went far.                          
A sweet little faun,                                        
In films about porn;                                        
We all saw her fucking a tar!                               
                                                            
20048 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Archie                   



This porn star's name?  I must pass!                        
So many came to screw my ass.                               
Three times daily, my dears,                                
For forty five years,                                       
Except Sundays when I went to Mass.                         
                                                            
20049 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Aunt Mabel               



Though the invalid Saint of Brac,                           
Lay all of his life on his back,                            
His wife got her share,                                     
And the pilgrims now stare                                  
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.                   
                                                            
20050 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN                         L0274



An ebullient fellow named Marty,                            
A raucous lad, rather a smarty,                             
Had screwed pretty Mabel                                    
Right there on the table,                                   
Which greatly enlivened the party.                          
                                                            
20051 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Isaac Asimov             



There was an old couple at play,                            
Morning and night through the day.                          
The window is open.                                         
A guest they are hopin'?                                    
To watch or to join, they don't say.                        
                                                            
20052 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     Ginger                   



An exuberant Westminster youth,                             
Laid his girl in a telephone booth.                         
When he pressed button "B",  (When it swallowd his nickel)  
She reacted with glee,       (She dittoed his pickle)       
Though onlookers termed it uncouth.                         
(Should have been the 'G' spot - McW)                       
20053 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - OPEN     (Arthur Deex)       G0822



There once was a young English student,                     
Who did things that were very imprudent.                    
The things that I mean                                      
Have not all been seen,                                     
But we hope to at any odd mooment.                          
                                                            
20054 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Johathan Munn            



There was an old man of Calcutta,                           
Who spied through a chink in the shutter.                   
But all he could see                                        
Was his wife's bare knee,                                   
And the back of the bloke who was up her.                   
                                                            
20055 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



I once knew a crazy Mohican,                                
Who got all his jollies from peekin'.                       
He liked to watch bears                                     
Carry on their affairs,                                     
And the rooster seducing the chicken.                       
                                                            
20056 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                       G1286



Is this servant of yours a chauffeur?                       
Or possibly your personal masseur?                          
Is he in the cupboard often                                 
To watch you when boffin'?                                  
(I didn't know we were being voyeured.)                     
                                                            
20057 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



Charlie Chipmunk looked down from his tree                  
At the young boy and girl on a spree,                       
And sighed, "But for size                                   
And position, those guys                                    
Get their kicks from the same tricks as me!"                
                                                            
20058 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Grand Prix Lim   15      



A stodgy game warden named Dunn                             
Nabbed a pair at the height of their fun.                   
He caught them bare-ass                                     
Out in the tall grass,                                      
In the wrong season for shooting a gun.                     
                                                            
20059 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                       G0575



Through back alleys in Wuthering Heights                    
I sneak around peeping, at nights.                          
To most windows I creep,                                    
I find folks fast asleep,                                   
But I sure see some fine pillow-fights.                     
                                                            
20060 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Grand Prix Lim  977 G2563



I have a voluptuous auntie                                  
Whose manner is usually jaunty,                             
Except for the day                                          
Uncle Joe was away,                                         
And I caught her in delicto flagrante!                      
                                                            
20061 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Macsam                   



Ruthie peeked through the keyhole last night                
And saw by the dawn's early light                           
Her spouse as he laid                                       
Their new parlor maid...                                    
And wet her pink pants at the sight!                        
                                                            
20062 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Grand Prix Lim  370      



An inquisitive maid from Peru                               
Used to wonder what young couples do.                       
So she spied through a keyhole,                             
Where she saw a girl's pee-hole                             
Being rammed, and said, "I'd like some too."                
                                                            
20063 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                      G1548a



The churchyard contains ancient yews,                       
Whereunder, when tanked up on booze,                        
I'd take Mary Ellen,                                        
And proffer my swellin',                                    
An offer she'd never refuse.                                
                                                            
20064 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



One day while I'm parting her hair,                         
A voice came; it hollered "Hey there.                       
You two randy sods.                                         
This garden is God's,                                       
And he taught the people to share."                         
                                                            
20065 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



The vicar it was. I most meek,                              
Arose, gazed at him most oblique.                           
He strode 'cross the sward,                                 
And yelled "Praise the Lord,                                
Please girl, turn your other fair cheek."                   
                                                            
20066 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



He mounted her thus, from behind;                           
A practice that she didn't mind.                            
And kneeling, she sucked                                    
My cock while he fucked,                                    
Enjoying his passionate grind.                              
                                                            
20067 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



He sure was enjoying this merger,                           
And claiming: of sin he would purge 'er;                    
When who should appear                                      
To poke him in the rear,                                    
But the dirty old boy-loving verger.                        
                                                            
20068 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



So truly, we had a fine chain.                              
We carried on time and again,                               
And ended in spasms                                         
Of monstrous orgasms,                                       
While the bells chimed a merry refrain.                     
                                                            
20069 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



Through a crack junior saw his folks wooing                 
And murmured, "Whatever they're doing                       
I don't quite understand,                                   
But it sound like it's grand                                
And I know it makes interesting viewing!"                   
                                                            
20070 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Grand Prix Lim  295      



On vacation in East Ethiopia,                               
An uncle of Auntie Matopia,                                 
Like a bee often does,                                      
Took a buzz at her fuzz;                                    
When discovered, he murmured, "Myopia".                     
                                                            
20071 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



Like cats out at night on a fence,                          
Our newlywed neighbors they yentz.                          
With the light on upstairs,                                 
They have rare sex affairs,                                 
And the view from our attic's immense!                      
                                                            
20072 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Grand Prix Lim  737 G0586



Was chillin' one nite wit' da' boys'                        
When in da' room we herd a noise!                           
All ofa's brutha's was spooked                              
So's we jumped ta' git looked!                              
We peeps a sis using her toys!                              
                                                            
20073 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



Wit' her legs opened real wide;                             
She had da' toy deep inside.                                
The sound from her mouf'                                    
It fill da' whole house,                                    
Dat da' brutha's an' I tauht she'd died.                    
                                                            
20074 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



Last night when I phoned you in bed,                        
My dearest sweet lady in red,                               
I wanted to hear                                            
Your sweet voice, but I fear                                
I heard moaning and groaning instead.                       
                                                            
20075 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Peter Wilkins            



There once was a girl from Hat Creek.                       
Whose virtue left something to seek.                        
Our young men all sought it,                                
And most of them bought it,                                 
Though some only came by to peek.                           
                                                            
20076 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   John Ciardi              



For a pickup, Pete's pecker was fine,                       
And the way he fucked Fay was divine.                       
Peeking through the wee keehole,                            
As he prodded her peehole,                                  
Made me wish that his peter were mine!                      
                                                            
20077 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                       G2124



Off hiking went Angie and Paul;                             
They got to a stream - stripped off all.                    
And then, after stripping,                                  
They went skinny-dipping,                                   
While showered by a grand waterfall.                        
                                                            
20078 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Tiddy Ogg                



They climaxed, stood back to recoup                         
Their breath, then they heard a loud whoop,                 
And there on the bank,                                      
All wanting a wank,                                         
Were the leader and all the scout troop.                    
                                                            
20079 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



The couple just stood there and grinned,                    
Quite conscious of how they had sinned.                     
The scout leader stated:                                    
"A badge here is rated,                                     
For that, but where could it be pinned?"                    
                                                            
20080 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                            



We see the young girl on her knees,                         
As she works ever harder to please.                         
An actor named Grant                                        
Had just started to pant,                                   
When the sheriff said, "Smile and say cheese!"              
                                                            
20081 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Ray Hemphill       TP9804



A nearsighted voyeur named Adair,                           
While peeping was struck by despair,                        
Though he strains through his glasses,                      
For a view of their asses,                                  
He couldn't see what went in where.                         
                                                            
20082 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                       G1222



The bedsprings bang Bernie's bald head,                     
While above him Mae moans on the bed.                       
Her husband is using her,                                   
Poor Bernie's abusing her--                                 
In a whisper -- one squeak and he's dead!                   
                                                            
20083 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                       G0089



Strange noises were heard from the galley,                  
And missing from deck was sweet Sally.                      
On investigation,                                           
We found his inflation                                      
Well-rooted in poor Sally's alley!                          
                                                            
20084 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Cubemeister              



In the steeple Jan thought we'd be free                     
Of observance, but afterwards, we                           
Got a standing ovation                                      
From the whole congregation,                                
Who'd watched on closed circuit TV.                         
                                                            
20085 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   John Miller 0259         



Our showing was such a big hit,                             
At the top of the Neilsens was it.                          
And each week thereafter                                    
We took to the rafters,                                     
To continue our sexual bit.                                 
                                                            
20086 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Arden                    



One week, during our love making,                           
The rafters they started in shaking.                        
In no time at all,                                          
We started to fall;                                         
Crushed the priest during communion taking.                 
                                                            
20087 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Lars                     



This young teenage girl named Devore,                       
No longer thinks sex is a bore,                             
Since she saw through the blind                             
A great view from behind,                                   
As the couple were fucking, next door!                      
                                                            
20088 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY   Laurence Craft           



Ruth peeked through the keyhole last night                  
And saw by the dawn's early light                           
The parlormaid, Kitty,                                      
With her Joe at her clitty,                                 
And she wet her pink pants at the sight.                    
                                                            
20089 CONGRESS - OBSERVED - SNEAKY                       G0152



A couple there was in Blefuscu,                             
Making love in a night of subfusc hue,                      
But some headlights drew near,                              
And made it quit clear,                                     
They were right at the head of a bus queue.                 
(subfusc -  dusky, dark)                                    
20090 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                       



A young exhibitionist Kay,                                  
Having tossing all her panties away,                        
Has invited us lads,                                        
(Via newspaper ads),                                        
To a pubic performance today.                               
                                                            
20091 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                       



Wow-wee, look at pantiless Kay                              
Moving it in her special way;                               
Sure has me drooling                                        
And that aint no fooling;                                   
I don't know what more I can say.                           
                                                            
20092 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                       



Kay, out of all the exhibit batch,                          
Had the most tidy and coiffeured snatch.                    
Her show late today                                         
Could show us the way                                       
To hardon's and ectasy, natch.                              
                                                            
20093 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                       



At a bullfight, Jose made his bid.                          
When the maiden agreed, he was rid                          
Of all inhibitions                                          
And, despite the conditions,                                
As the crowd yelled "Ole!" Jose did.                        
                                                            
20094 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Isaac Asimov             



Her lover was so well endowed,                              
She expressed approval aloud.                               
Said he, when she came,                                     
And shouted his name                                        
"Be still, you're attracting a crowd."                      
                                                            
20095 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Arnie Scnoenbrun    P0208



A couple, sight-seeing Ksar,                                
Were reckoned a trifle bizarre                              
When they gave way to passion                               
In far-reaching fashion,                                    
Not far from the busy bazaar.                               
                                                            
20096 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Harold C Bibby      P9710



There was a young girl from Paris,                          
Who promised to do it for free,                             
But she held the event                                      
In a large circus tent,                                     
And charged each of the audience a fee.                     
                                                            
20097 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



The things that occur on the shingle,                       
On the beaches surrounding old Dingle,                      
Can only be said,                                           
In the bed of the wed,                                      
For they'd tingle the single to mingle.                     
(shingle - small stone chips)                               
20098 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                       



This thing you can do on command:                           
Does it ever get out of hand?                               
The Queen says, "Sweet Frank                                
We have you to thank,                                       
For filling up our big grandstand."                         
                                                            
20099 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



The Queen thinks you give quite a show.                     
Frank, is this braggadocio?                                 
Your calendar's full?                                       
Or you're full of bull?                                     
Inquiring minds want to know.                               
                                                            
20100 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



Two men with a couple of gaudy ends,                        
Used the things for some interesting bawdy ends.            
And why not? It was fun                                     
That did damage to none,                                    
And completely delighted the audience.                      
                                                            
20101 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Isaac Asimov             



Gwen Crotch and her boyfriend get calls                     
To screw for the public in halls.                           
Folks scream, "Let us sing, Gwen,                           
'The Song of the Inguin';                                   
We'll follow the two bouncing balls."                       
                                                            
20102 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                  G2283



A zealot from Zeal Monachorum,                              
Was sadly devoid of decorum:                                
He had a proclivity                                         
For amorous activity                                        
In public, in front of the forum.                           
                                                            
20103 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Harold C Bibby           



Central park was the site of the pass.                      
"Very well!  Here and now!," said the lass.                 
Did the fellow then flee,                                   
Pusillanimously?                                            
No, he screwed her right there on the grass.                
                                                            
20104 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Isaac Asimov             



An artist who came from Vancouver                           
Was raping a maid in the Louvre.                            
The old guard passing by                                    
Paid no heed to her cry,                                    
For he thought the affair would improve her.                
                                                            
20105 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Albin Chaplin   3024-0367



There was a young man of La Jolla,                          
Who kept screwing his wife in the foyer.                    
Those who passed by would mumble,                           
Or stub toes and stumble,                                   
But the foyer was where he'd enjoy 'er.                     
                                                            
20106 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady named Coulsom                        
Who went with her boy friend to bowl some.                  
She was fucked on the alley,                                
By an old man from Bali,                                    
And she found it nutritious and wholesome.                  
                                                            
20107 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Albin Chaplin   3024-0096



A museum attendant, Zenobia,                                
Suffered greatly from agoraphobia.                          
When at last she did yield,                                 
'Twasn't out in some field,                                 
But in front of a fine Della Robbia.                        
                                                            
20108 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Armand E Singer       211



The team of Tom and Louise,                                 
Do an act in the nude on their knees.                       
They crawl down the aisle,                                  
While fucking dog-style,                                    
And the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."                   
(Getting rug-burns and a disease!)                          
20109 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                  L1469



That couple named Tom and Louise                            
Who performed doggie style on their knees,                  
Had to cancel their act                                     
Because of the fact                                         
They got rug-burns and mange, and some fleas.               
                                                            
20110 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Tepper and Morris   P0104



Oh yes! Take me back to the Ritz!                           
Where we gave that young waiter fits!                       
When I fondled your cable                                   
On top of the table,                                        
And you licked the jam from my tits!                        
                                                            
20111 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



They caught their own son, Billy Wade,                      
A-pumping the family's maid                                 
On the living room rug,                                     
One huge grin on his mug,                                   
His organ directly displayed.                               
                                                            
20112 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Armand E Singer       884



I think I'll just take you right here,                      
Out on the front lawn now, my dear.                         
The neighbors won't mind;                                   
They are so very kind.                                      
They've already started to cheer.                           
                                                            
20113 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Gearhart                 



Now, I'm shocked by this attack,                            
With me naked and flat on my back,                          
In front of a crowd                                         
That's cheering so loud,                                    
And not one of them brought their Kodak.                    
                                                            
20114 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Carol                    



On Pine Street near Elm in Duluth                           
An angry young beauty named Ruth                            
Slapped her boyfriend and said,                             
"I love sex in bed,                                         
But not in a public phone booth!"                           
                                                            
20115 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Grand Prix Lim  323      



A defoliated young dolly                                    
Said, "Unmarried sex is a folly,                            
But when you're in heat                                     
A sex session's neat,                                       
Even when, like this was, on a trolly..."                   
                                                            
20116 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Grand Prix Lim  425      



A talented horseman named Reid                              
Once screwed, as he rode on his steed,                      
With a woman named Claire,                                  
As she bounced in the air;                                  
An equestrian marvel, indeed!                               
                                                            
20117 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Cap'n Bean          P0104



Bo's wife yelled, "You're lazy!"  He showed her             
That she was all wrong when he throwed her                  
Damn naggin' old ass                                        
Out into the grass,                                         
And worked really hard as he mowed 'er.                     
                                                            
20118 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Travis Brasell           



The gay young Duke of Buckingham,                           
Stood on the bridge of Rockingham                           
Watching the stunts,                                        
Of the cunts in the punts,                                  
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.         
                                                            
20119 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                  L1383



A certain young fellow named Vaughn                         
Once felt irrestibly drawn                                  
To exhibiting fun                                           
That involved more than one,                                
So he screwed his best girl on the lawn.                    
                                                            
20120 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Isaac Asimov        P8206



At the Pigalle I met une jeune dame,                        
Who said "Cheri, come, I've a plan.                         
We'll copulate on stage;                                    
It will be all the rage;                                    
A sensationally sexy Can-Can!"                              
                                                            
20121 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



At the butcher's, a lady dressed neat                       
Complained of his poor grade of meat.                       
His baloney, she felt,                                      
Was so bad that it smelt,                                   
So he threw her the meat in the street.                     
                                                            
20122 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Albin Chaplin   3024-0275



Two lovers went out to carouse,                             
Without waiting for marital vows.                           
There bill was so sweet,                                    
They had sex in the street,                                 
Which caused a slight raising of brows.                     
                                                            
20123 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                       



At the corner of Sutter and Taylor,                         
Lay a girl being fucked by a sailor.                        
From the crowd came loud cheers,                            
(Except for two queers)                                     
As they watched his great instrument nail her.              
(Sutter and Taylor - location probably San Francisco)       
20124 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                  G0779



A couple named Big Dick and Valerie                         
Were hired at a fabulous salary                             
To make love on the stage;                                  
Though the censors all rage,                                
It sure pleased us bums in the gallery.                     
                                                            
20125 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Gramd Prix Lim  259 G0789



A covered young dolly named Sharon                          
Said, "Why are the bystanders starin'?                      
I think you're real sweet,                                  
Banging me on the street,                                   
So what if they stare? I ain't carin'!"                     
                                                            
20126 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Grand Prix Lim  199      



Strangest place that I ever got laid,                       
Was a float in a public parade;                             
We badly behaved                                            
As the people all waved,                                    
And, to top it all off, we got paid.                        
                                                            
20127 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Cap'n Bean          P9807



A beach boy who loved to have fun,                          
Kept screwing a girl in the sun.                            
While his ass, being bare,                                  
Cooked to medium rare,                                      
The girl kept exclaiming "Well Done!"                       
                                                            
20128 CONGRESS - PUBLIC                                       



A young forest ranger from Vail                             
Found two naked girls on the trail;                         
He lent one his coat                                        
Then turned billy goat                                      
And misused the other for tail.                             
                                                            
20129 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Armand E Singer       909



A fervent fox-hunter at Quorn                               
Felt he ought to make use of his horn;                      
So, crying out, "Zounds!                                    
I'll not follow hounds."                                    
He lay with his lass on the lawn.                           
                                                            
20130 CONGRESS - PUBLIC              Harold C Bibby           



A lonely hearts club out in Dover                           
Attracted a lady named Stover.                              
Upon getting acquainted,                                    
She felt ill anad then fainted.                             
She awoke and the rites were all over.                      
                                                            
20131 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin            



The speed trophy goes to young Chad                         
Who, on meeting a girl, told her dad,                       
With a radiant smile,                                       
"I won't harm your chile!"                                  
The truth is, he already had!                               
                                                            
20132 CONGRESS - QUICK               John Miller              



As we rolled around on the rug,                             
My wiener she started to tug.                               
It happened so fast,                                        
The moment was past.                                        
Then she kissed me and gave me a hug.                       
                                                            
20133 CONGRESS - QUICK               Burrito Man              



The ad said: "This classic treasure                         
Of music will lengthen sex pleasure."                       
The ad was quite right,                                     
As proven last night.                                       
I shot my load by the third measure.                        
                                                            
20134 CONGRESS - QUICK               Travis Brasell           



Jack was a little bit quicker;                              
Prematurely he had a bent dicker.                           
"I knew it!" Jill sighed,                                   
As he slipped from inside,                                  
"This comes from prolonged dickie-licker!"                  
                                                            
20135 CONGRESS - QUICK               Ogni Gioia               



I needed a dirty weekend;                                   
Decided to visit a friend.                                  
We had a quick screw                                        
And when we were through,                                   
I left with a dirty weak end.                               
                                                            
20136 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



Cause I've never been much of a laster,                     
I was pleased when she wanted it faster.                    
But my speed got so quick,                                  
When I glanced at the chick,                                
I saw I'd completely disaster!                              
                                                            
20137 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



In the act, at the act, by                                  
The act -- when it's done on the fly,                       
A guy can get busy,                                         
Get happy, get dizzy,                                       
And sometimes humongously high.                             
(epistrophe)                                                
20138 CONGRESS - QUICK               Norm Storer         P9603



A noble young duchess named Foster                          
Had barons and dukes on her roster.                         
But then she did attest                                     
That the one she liked best                                 
Was the drunk, who one time did accost her.                 
                                                            
20139 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin            



As he entered the lift, Mr. Kropp                           
Was aroused and his pecker did pop                          
Through his fly, and was felt                               
By a young lady svelte --                                   
She went down as they rode to the top.                      
                                                            
20140 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin   3024-1271



There was a shy boy named Dan,                              
Who tickled his girl with a fan.                            
She started to flirt                                        
So he lifted her skirt,                                     
And gave her a fuck like a man.                             
                                                            
20141 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   L1395



Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,                      
Rode the shaft of Sir Arthur Faily;                         
She bounced so fast                                         
On Sir Arthur's stout mast,                                 
That both of them did come quite waily!                     
                                                            
20142 CONGRESS - QUICK               Jim Weaver Collection    



Well, quick hon, we still have some time;                   
I'll hurry while you're in your prime.                      
Lie back, take it easy,                                     
I'm feeling quite sleazy,                                   
As onto your hard cock I climb.                             
                                                            
20143 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



Oh where, oh where is my nightie?                           
For I surely must look quite a frightie.                    
To be caught in the nude                                    
And deliciously screwed                                     
Is as good as a flight in a kitie.                          
                                                            
20144 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   G1588



Reading all the sex books in Kalgoorlie                     
To learn how to screw broads maturely,                      
He tried it, he swore,                                      
With girlfriend and whore,                                  
But he always got off his nuts early.                       
                                                            
20145 CONGRESS - QUICK               A. N. Wilkins       P8611



While sitting there spinning his dreidel,                   
His wife said, "Be quick, or the maid'll                    
Want back her gym slip,                                     
The butler, his whip,                                       
And the cook will soon want back his ladle.                 
(dreidel - tetrahedral Jewish spinning top)                 
20146 CONGRESS - QUICK               H Myers             T9801



There was an Old Man who supposed                           
That the street door was partially closed;                  
But some very large rats                                    
Ate his coats and his hats,                                 
While the new upstairs maid, she got hosed.                 
                                                            
20147 CONGRESS - QUICK               Edwardian Leer 050       



Your first gentle touch on my meat                          
Nearly caused an eruption complete.                         
Whip your panties off quick,                                
Come and sit on my dick;                                    
Now it's your turn, my dear, for a treat.                   
                                                            
20148 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



There was a young fellow from Florida                       
Whose love life got constantly torrider;                    
His need was so pressing                                    
He gave up undressing                                       
And did it full clothed in the corrider.                    
                                                            
20149 CONGRESS - QUICK               Armand E Singer   intro E



Bewailed a poor woman named Goff,                           
"My man's like a pig in a trough;                           
'To hell with all foreplay:                                 
Don't you get in my way;                                    
Lie still, I'm quick in, out, and off.'"                    
                                                            
20150 CONGRESS - QUICK               Armand E Singer       939



There was a young woman named Ella,                         
Who was caught in the rain with a fella.                    
But were both so intent                                     
On complete ravishment,                                     
They forgot to put up an umbrella.                          
                                                            
20151 CONGRESS - QUICK               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young man of Atlanta,                           
Fell in love with a girl full of banter.                    
"I should just like to see                                  
The man who'd make me,"                                     
She remarked and he made her instanter.                     
                                                            
20152 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



A hormone-crazed lover named Hutch                          
Went wild at some woman's mere touch.                       
His lewd inclinations                                       
Caused interrelations                                       
Of bodies and organs and such.                              
                                                            
20153 CONGRESS - QUICK               Armand E Singer       485



There was a young lady named Frances                        
Who often went into deep trances.                           
During these, her best beau                                 
Was not at all slow                                         
To deftly slip into her pantses.                            
                                                            
20154 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   G0075



A fellow who lived in Bombay                                
Was having a lay in the hay,                                
When his girl said, "Come quickly,                          
This place is all prickly;"                                 
"I think it is me," he did say.                             
(pleonasm)                                                  
20155 CONGRESS - QUICK               Norm Storer         P9603



Well, lately I've been quite a jerk;                        
I've fallen behind in my work;                              
So don't be too picky,                                      
This is only a quicky,                                      
Till I find my way out of the murk.                         
                                                            
20156 CONGRESS - QUICK               John Miller 0010         



A proper young person named Gissing,                        
Announced he had given up kissing.                          
"I strike out at once                                       
For something that counts,                                  
And besides my girl's front teeth are missing."             
                                                            
20157 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   L1423



The flight surgeon, with vasoline,                          
Had check out the old flyer's spleen.                       
"When was your last screw?"                                 
"1952 --                                                    
By my watch it's 2015."                                     
                                                            
20158 CONGRESS - QUICK               Martin Wellborn     P8509



There was a young coed named Lillian                        
Who went to the college cotillion,                          
Which is where she was had                                  
By a most frabjous lad,                                     
Skirt up in some leafy pavillion.                           
                                                            
20159 CONGRESS - QUICK               Armand E Singer       608



A lush little lady of Amble                                 
Went out for a casual ramble.                               
On a side road this maid                                    
Was tipped up and laid--                                    
But then, of course, all life's a gamble.                   
                                                            
20160 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   G0005



A troubled young lady named Hoover                          
Rejected her young man's maneuver.                          
Though she locked him outside,                              
This was taken in stride,                                   
And he slipped her a fuck through the louver.               
                                                            
20161 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin   3024-0200



When nature is holding a flush                              
And it is fairly bursting to gush,                          
While women can wait                                        
Until some future date,                                     
It's us guy's who are having to rush.                       
                                                            
20162 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



We guys with remotes get quick lookies                      
At TV, and we get our cookies                               
With women who're fast                                      
And able to blast                                           
Us off with their microwave nookies.                        
                                                            
20163 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



And honey, that's not my best trickie,                      
So be sure and stop by for a quickie,                       
There sometime next week,                                   
And you'll get a peek,                                      
At what I can do with your dickie.                          
                                                            
20164 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



Old Nikki is good for a quickie                             
The other is often quite tricky                             
'Cause under the table                                      
Is where you find Mabel,                                    
Who's waiting for someone named Dickie.                     
                                                            
20165 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



Your afternoon lunches with me,                             
Are making my work day stress free.                         
I return to the job,                                        
And think of your knob,                                     
And hope that I sang out on key.                            
                                                            
20166 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



Well, ok, if you make it a quickie;                         
And don't leave me panting and sticky,                      
'Cause I'm already late.                                    
Besides, in your state,                                     
This girl knows that you can't be picky.                    
                                                            
20167 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



When he rode out, the old Laird of Clyde,                   
Used to make it a matter of pride,                          
To scoop up a lass,                                         
Have a quick piece of ass,                                  
And discard her without breaking stride.                    
                                                            
20168 CONGRESS - QUICK               John Ciardi              



A young woman from old Montreal                             
Reminisced once concening her fall,                         
Saying, "He was so quick,                                   
And his prick was so slick,                                 
That I just never felt it at all."                          
                                                            
20169 CONGRESS - QUICK               Isaac Asimov             



I hear that your thing is tremendous                        
And able to do feats stupendous.                            
I'll take it hot                                            
Right here on the spot;                                     
I just hope that it doesn't upend us!                       
                                                            
20170 CONGRESS - QUICK               Robyn               T9710



A flightly young bumpkin named Charley                      
Diddled fat country girls in the barley.                    
He sniggered, "It's fun                                     
To diddle and run,                                          
But your NUTS, if you dawdle and parley."                   
                                                            
20171 CONGRESS - QUICK               Grand Prix Lim  822      



A regular stallion named Gary                               
Explains why he never will marry:                           
"A wife wants it gentle,                                    
Real slow, incremental,                                     
But I get too horny to tarry."                              
                                                            
20172 CONGRESS - QUICK               Armand E Singer       928



They're awful, aren't they these men?                       
They screw you again and again.                             
When you're down on the floor,                              
They'll still want some more.                               
Not a question of where, simply when!                       
                                                            
20173 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



A librarian, checking her stacks,                           
Bent over and ripped her slacks.                            
When a man saw her bush,                                    
He gave her a push;                                         
One more kid in a stroller, they stacked.                   
                                                            
20174 CONGRESS - QUICK               Pokey                    



There was an Air Force jockey named Sonder.                 
Why the girls liked him was a wonder.                       
'Cause they missed all their fun                            
When he jumped the gun,                                     
And went off in the wild blue yonder.                       
                                                            
20175 CONGRESS - QUICK               Ed Wolfert          P8406



A young man with a passion quite vast                       
Used to talk about making it last.                          
'Till one day he discovered                                 
His sister uncovered                                        
And now he fucks often--and fast.                           
('Till one day with a cousin, he ripped off a dozen,)       
20176 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   L0357



She screamed as she opened the door,                        
And had orgasms on the tile floor.                          
And the guy that she screwed,                               
Who was totally nude,                                       
Just got ready to mount her once more.                      
                                                            
20177 CONGRESS - QUICK               Rudy Pilot         TP9807



I made love to Pam when she beckoned.                       
I finished, she threw me out, reckoned,                     
At sex I'm no good.                                         
How could she conclude                                      
Such a thing after only 10 seconds?                         
                                                            
20178 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



There was a young lady name May,                            
Who strolled in the park by the way.                        
And she met a young man                                     
Who fucked her and ran.                                     
Now she goes to the park every day.                         
                                                            
20179 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   L0067



There was a young girl from Decatur                         
Who clashed with the lad who did date her.                  
They disputed so loud                                       
That there gathered a crowd.                                
She was had by a passing spectator.                         
                                                            
20180 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin            



In her garden an Edmonton maid                              
Hollered out that she needed a spade,                       
But was quite thunder-struck                                
When she called for a fork --                               
And was promptly and lustily laid!                          
                                                            
20181 CONGRESS - QUICK               Hugh Oliver           92b



Jemima throught Charlie was great.                          
She enjoyed having him for a date.                          
He gave her a feel                                          
That forced her to squeal,                                  
And fucked her at a quarter to eight.                       
                                                            
20182 CONGRESS - QUICK               Jameto                   



There was a young fellow named Reed,                        
Well known for his amorous speed.                           
First a jest, then the breast,                              
Then the best of the rest.                                  
Right after the thought came the deed.                      
                                                            
20183 CONGRESS - QUICK               Isaac Asimov             



Said a cocksman named Quick, with a snigger,                
As his pecker grew bigger and bigger:                       
"If I slipped in your slit                                  
With my tip on your clit,                                   
I'd describe that as Quick on the trigger!"                 
                                                            
20184 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



There was a young couple from Florida                       
Who passion grew steadily torrider.                         
They were planning to sin                                   
In a room at the inn.                                       
Who can wait? So they screwed in the corridor.              
                                                            
20185 CONGRESS - QUICK               Isaac Asimov             



A modern young maiden named Eddy                            
Undressed for her favorite steady,                          
Saying, "Off with your clothes,                             
But hurry, I'm froze;                                       
Come take me the second your ready."                        
                                                            
20186 CONGRESS - QUICK               Armand E Singer       585



An agile old butcher named Bounter                          
A fussy old hag did encounter.                              
She complained of his quality                               
Which disturbed this man's jollity,                         
So he threw her the meat on the counter.                    
                                                            
20187 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin   3024-0655



My wife's wearing nothing but drawers                       
Through the house, while she's doing her chores.            
She's seeking a thrill                                      
From my ten-inch drill;                                     
I think I'll take her on the floor.                         
                                                            
20188 CONGRESS - QUICK               Mike Hunter              



There was a young girl of Port Hood                         
Who said that she would if she could.                       
A young man in his prime                                    
Did not waste any time,                                     
For he fucked her right there where she stood.              
                                                            
20189 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin   3024-0299



When a man's favorite girlfriend beckons,                   
He succumbs to his passions, I reckon.                      
The stick in his trousers                                   
Rises up like a dowsers                                     
And is ready for action in seconds.                         
                                                            
20190 CONGRESS - QUICK               Actaeon                  



At dusk, in the dunes of Tozaire,                           
They said, "Do you think that we dare?"                     
As the sun sank right down,                                 
They returned to the town--                                 
And shook out the sand from their hair.                     
                                                            
20191 CONGRESS - QUICK               Harold C Bibby      P9710



I throw ten bucks on the floor;                             
When she bends down, she opens the door.                    
So I slide her a bone                                       
Full of testosterone;                                       
A cheap but effective score!                                
                                                            
20192 CONGRESS - QUICK               Mr Malo                  



A boss and his steno, quite fair,                           
Were processing words as a pair.                            
When she told him to "ENTER"                                
He thought that she meant her,                              
And dutifully had her right there.                          
                                                            
20193 CONGRESS - QUICK               Dick Buenger        P8407



There once was a kiddie named Carr,                         
Who found a man laying his mar.                             
Said he, with a snicker,                                    
As he watched the guy stick her,                            
"You do it much faster than par."                           
                                                            
20194 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   L0016



My stump is as clean as my pate --                          
The freshest it's been to this date.                        
(It's usually sticky                                        
Just after a quickie.)                                      
Perhaps it was something she ate?                           
                                                            
20195 CONGRESS - QUICK               H Whelchel               



A certain young man was so deft,                            
That he left his poor girl quite bereft.                    
He'd put it in slickly,                                     
Then pull it out quickly,                                   
And before she had felt it, he'd left.                      
                                                            
20196 CONGRESS - QUICK               Isaac Asimov             



While fucking a fellow named Bruce                          
A girl made excuses profuse.                                
She was late for her class,                                 
So she stepped on the gas                                   
And she left him to stew in his juice.                      
                                                            
20197 CONGRESS - QUICK               Albin Chaplin   3024-0068



Someone slipped Daisy a Mickey,                             
And left her a rosey-red hickey.                            
She couldn't recall,                                        
What happened at all,                                       
But she knew that her two lips were sticky.                 
                                                            
20198 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



There was a young woman named Vicki                         
Who said, "I don't want to be picky.                        
If, in five hours or so,                                    
As you say, you must go,                                    
At least we'll have time for a quicky.                      
                                                            
20199 CONGRESS - QUICK               Isaac Asimov             



A fast-thinking bounder named Mailer                        
Enticed a girl into his trailer.                            
It took but a minute                                        
To flop her down in it,                                     
And ten seconds more to impale her.                         
                                                            
20200 CONGRESS - QUICK               Armand E Singer       401



It takes an unprincipled mug                                
To confine his foreplay to one hug.                         
Not being a bore,                                           
A drop to the floor,                                        
And a ten-second screw on the rug.                          
                                                            
20201 CONGRESS - QUICK               Isaac Asimov             



An indian tourist named Tonto,                              
Bought sex from a whore in Toronto,                         
But returned to the wild                                    
Disappointed and riled -                                    
In Toronto poor Tonto came pronto!                          
                                                            
20202 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



There was a young man of Pretoria                           
Whose girl was a terrible worria.                           
Whenever he tried                                           
To get it inside,                                           
She complained he was trying to hurria.                     
                                                            
20203 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



He approached with great finesse,                           
The Persians delicatesse.                                   
So spectacular                                              
Was his scimitar,                                           
She quickly took in his largesse.                           
                                                            
20204 CONGRESS - QUICK               Annie Jay                



Now patience, I hear them all say,                          
Is a virtue; so maybe I'll play                             
With your nipples for -- ooh,                               
Half-a-second or two,                                       
Before boffing you senseless, okay?                         
                                                            
20205 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



Wake up, my dear Ulla. I must                               
Have your body and urgently thrust                          
Myself deeply inside                                        
You and give you a ride,                                    
That will quench my libidinous lust.                        
                                                            
20206 CONGRESS - QUICK                                        



There was a young man from the War Office,                  
Who got into bed with a whore of his.                       
She took off her drawers,                                   
With many a pause,                                          
But the chap from the War Office tore off his.              
                                                            
20207 CONGRESS - QUICK                                   L1065



A maid who was very becoming,                               
Was humping the gardener's plumbing;                        
In the midst of their bang,                                 
When their master, he rang,                                 
They responded, "Yes Sir, we are coming!"                   
                                                            
20208 CONGRESS - QUICK               Cap'n Bean          P9912



Said Miss Atkins, "Young man, you're a bore!                
I don't mind your smashing my door,                         
And just forging ahead                                      
Without a word said,                                        
But why always here on the floor!"                          
                                                            
20209 CONGRESS - QUICK               John Ciardi              



The moment I sighted her treasure,                          
I knew that this gal had my measure.                        
We took to the task,                                        
Forgetting to ask:                                          
With whom am I having the pleasure?                         
                                                            
20210 CONGRESS - QUICK               SFA                      



A quickie with you would delight                            
And tantalize me, so tonight                                
I've only ten minutes                                       
To get my thing in it,                                      
So help me to guide it in right.                            
                                                            
20211 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



With such little time you will find,                        
To spend with you on this quick grind,                      
I won't tease tonight.                                      
I'll just get it right                                      
To the heart of that hump from behind!                      
                                                            
20212 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



I met a despondent Canuck,                                  
Who said she was down on her luck.                          
But lacking the heart                                       
To up and depart,                                           
I lingered and give her a fuck.                             
                                                            
20213 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      SFA                      



Disguised as a doe...or a buck?                             
And you found her down on her luck?                         
I know not your demeanor,                                   
But if she's got a weiner,                                  
I think you should give her a suck.                         
                                                            
20214 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      SFA                      



I once met a despondent Canuck                              
Who quickly went down on my luck.                           
But then when she said,                                     
She would need more than head,                              
I said that I don't give a fuck.                            
                                                            
20215 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      SFA                      



I met an athlete at a track meet,                           
And asked if she'd like to meet my meat.                    
She said that she would,                                    
Provided I could                                            
Finish with her in a dead-heat.                             
                                                            
20216 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Tutta                    



I shared with a track star my hash,                         
But for sex she demanded hard cash.                         
We settled on price,                                        
I was done in a trice.                                      
She said, "You must sprint in the dash!"                    
                                                            
20217 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Tutta                    



Although she was young and I old,                           
I thought I had beaten her cold.                            
I came in first,                                            
With a final quick burst,                                   
But for speed, this event wins no gold.                     
                                                            
20218 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Tutta                    



Today started off with a bang,                              
When on your front door bell I rang.                        
I said, "How I missed you,"                                 
And hugged you and kissed you,                              
And then banged your thang with my wang.                    
                                                            
20219 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Jon Gearhart             



A nasty surprise just this morning.                         
A knock on the door.  Without warning,                      
I was knocked to the floor,                                 
For a quick Gearhart gore --                                
My asshole is sore and it's yawning.                        
                                                            
20220 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Archie                   



I've ne'er traveled over the sea                            
So you're right, you're mistaken, 'twern't me.              
Your new jammin' bud                                        
Must be some other stud,                                    
Like Aussie Owl down from his tree.                         
                                                            
20221 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Jon Hearhard             



There was a blind fellow named Wayne                        
Who picked up a whore with no strain.                       
Un an alley he went                                         
But the poor fellow spent                                   
When her twat twitched the end of his cane.                 
                                                            
20222 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Albin Chaplin   3024-1915



There was a blind fellow named Scott                        
Who one day a ladyfriend sought.                            
As he made an advance,                                      
He went off in his pants,                                   
When his cane felt the twitch of her twat.                  
                                                            
20223 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES      Albin Chaplin   3024-1899



A quickie is all I can spare;                               
I've paperwork piled up to there.                           
While I wait for a call,                                    
We can sure have a ball,                                    
So come on in, please have a chair.                         
                                                            
20224 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



I'll turn out the light, lock the door;                     
No one will miss me, I'm sure.                              
Give me a quick poke,                                       
With that mighty oak;                                       
I've only ten minutes, no more.                             
                                                            
20225 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



Each minute, I'll give you an inch                          
More of my beef-log to quench                               
Your furnace's fire                                         
And hose your desire;                                       
When all ten are in, I'll you drench!                       
                                                            
20226 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



This break-time quickie was a perk,                         
But hon, I must get back to work.                           
Back on goes the light,                                     
But kiss me goodnight;                                      
That tongue of yours drives me berserk.                     
                                                            
20227 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



'Neath your desk I will lurk as you work,                   
And give you a right good tongue ferk.                      
And when you orgasm                                         
And go into spasm,                                          
Your work I will cause you to shirk.                        
                                                            
20228 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



I guess I'm in for some OT;                                 
Extra work never did bother me.                             
So I'll sit in my chair,                                    
And play with your hair,                                    
As you swirl your tongue in my pussy.                       
                                                            
20229 CONGRESS - QUICK - SERIES                               



There once was a young girl from Anton                      
Who all of the guys would then rant on.                     
She spreads wide her legs                                   
If a man then would beg,                                    
And afterwards she puts her pants on.                       
                                                            
20230 CONGRESS - READY               Toolman                  



So whether you like it or not,                              
My girl has a hell of a twat.                               
So now, I'm not waiting,                                    
I'm anticipating,                                           
To give her all that I've got.                              
                                                            
20231 CONGRESS - READY               Jim Weaver Collection    



"I love well-warmed pussy," said Joe;                       
It does no one harm, can't say no;                          
A little foreplay                                           
Then let come what may --                                   
It's tail and all systems are go!                           
                                                            
20232 CONGRESS - READY               Armand E Singer     P0102



A man's an outrageous flirt,                                
If he sees anything in a skirt.                             
His tongue starts to hang,                                  
And he's out with a bang;                                   
Stopping just short of pervert.                             
                                                            
20233 CONGRESS - READY               Jim Weaver Collection    



A lusty Mongolian horde                                     
Once gathered a feminine hoard,                             
And herded those skirts                                     
Into dandified yurts                                        
To make sure they could always get whore'd.                 
                                                            
20234 CONGRESS - READY               Norm Storer         P9112



There once was a lecher of Leeds,                           
Who did up his privates in tweeds.                          
With a zipper installed                                     
To keep them close-hauled,                                  
Or released for his amorous needs (deeds).                  
                                                            
20235 CONGRESS - READY                                   G2397



I'm waiting here patiently to                               
Be pumped full of your special goo.                         
The lights at high beam                                     
Reflect off your stream,                                    
And give my complexion a hue.                               
                                                            
20236 CONGRESS - READY                                        



Kevin's a bloke we all love;                                
He'll give any woman a shove.                               
He sings about fucking                                      
And drinking and sucking;                                   
There's naught he won't lie on top of.                      
                                                            
20237 CONGRESS - READY               Kevin Wilson             



Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft,                   
In the bog, in the bath, in the loft.                       
Up my ass, up my quim,                                      
Knees, armpits, lip rim,                                    
With your prick, but please, nothing soft.                  
                                                            
20238 CONGRESS - READY                                        



Shyly said a young woman named Mabel,                       
"How delighted I am that I'm able,                          
To screw on a bed,                                          
Or a sofa instead,                                          
Or the grass, or the floor, or the table."                  
                                                            
20239 CONGRESS - READY               Isaac Asimov             



There once was a Spanish Nobilio                            
Who lived in a Spanish castilio.                            
His cojones grew hot                                        
Much more often than not,                                   
At the thought of a Spanish jazzilio.                       
                                                            
20240 CONGRESS - READY                                   L1112



The wife of a young man named Goozie                        
Had left him a little bit woozy.                            
In place of resisting                                       
She attempted assisting,                                    
And he thought he was back with his floozie.                
                                                            
20241 CONGRESS - READY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0173



That wench from Leigh-upon-Sea                              
Said "Birth controls don't worry me,                        
For while lying in Arran,                                   
I found I was barren."                                      
"Come on," said the plumber, "Let's see."                   
                                                            
20242 CONGRESS - READY               Jim Weaver Collection    



While noting the bulge in his trousers                      
She fingered herself to arouse "hers".                      
This act made the fellow                                    
So sex-crazed, he did bellow                                
Eu-rekas! and Zow-ies!! and Yow-zers!!!                     
                                                            
20243 CONGRESS - READY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Yes, they're all convinced, you can bet                     
That their pussy's the best you can get.                    
Well, they're all on a par                                  
So the best one by far,                                     
Is the pussy you haven't had yet.                           
                                                            
20244 CONGRESS - READY                                        



A southern-fried gal I was wooing                           
Once asked what I thought I was doing.                      
"Enough with the dating --                                  
Let's get on to the mating!"                                
And ever since we've been screwing.                         
                                                            
20245 CONGRESS - READY               Neal Wilgus         P8405



She never did give me her name;                             
She just used me for her little game.                       
Not that I'm complaining,                                   
It's just that I'm saying,                                  
I'd like her to do it again.                                
                                                            
20246 CONGRESS - READY                                        



A no-nonsense cockster named Munn                           
Made hay in the shine of the sun;                           
Smirked he, "I'm no waiter                                  
For midnight or later:                                      
To do it in daylight's more fun."                           
                                                            
20247 CONGRESS - READY               Armand E Singer     P0202



There's a poor teeny-bopper in Wichita,                     
Whose parents do nothing but bitchita.                      
They want her to wait                                       
For a good proper mate,                                     
But how can she, when she's all a-twichita.                 
                                                            
20248 CONGRESS - READY               John Ciardi              



With ideas and words, a mind's swarming,                    
But sooner or later we're warming,                          
To lines about SEX;                                         
The reason, complex.                                        
It's easier effort performing.                              
                                                            
20249 CONGRESS - READY               Chris Papa               



Advice in those glossy girls mags                           
Is only for dykes or for fags.                              
There is only one way                                       
To end off the day,                                         
And that's with some hot sweaty shags!                      
                                                            
20250 CONGRESS - READY               Archie                   



This time of the year is depressing;                        
My Christmas high spirits regressing.                       
My cure? Piss on Prozac,                                    
Get my girl on her back                                     
And get my cock some caressing.                             
                                                            
20251 CONGRESS - READY               Jeeves                   



Now I'm in serious need                                     
Of someone to do the deed;                                  
My voluptuous twat                                          
Is all wet and hot;                                         
I promise good sex guaranteed!                              
                                                            
20252 CONGRESS - READY               Jen                      



My cock inflates like a balloona,                           
As I start in sampling your tuna-                           
Type casserole dish,                                        
And then if you wish,                                       
I'll pretend you're a shark and harpoon ya.                 
                                                            
20253 CONGRESS - READY                                        



Young Joan with a gleam in her eye,                         
When asked about sex said, "Oh my!                          
Straight or kink to it;                                     
Baby, I'll drink to it;                                     
Homo or hetero or bi!"                                      
                                                            
20254 CONGRESS - READY               Jane D. Hughes      P9107



My arms may submit to abrasion                              
When the Amazons make their invasion.                       
I may also lose heart,                                      
But a different part                                        
Will rise to meet each such occasion.                       
                                                            
20255 CONGRESS - READY               Lance Payne         P8406



A girl of some fashion, kept                                
A young lout in her bed while she slept.                    
She would smile when she woke                               
To finger his poke,                                         
And think, "This lacks couth, but it's ept."                
                                                            
20256 CONGRESS - READY               John Ciardi              



I told you before, man, Goddamn!                            
I was born under the sign of the ram.                       
So way back I loved Twiggy                                  
And even Miss Piggy;                                        
Now I love every chick's juicy clam.                        
                                                            
20257 CONGRESS - READY                                        



There was a young man named McGruder,                       
He saw a lass and he woo'ed 'er.                            
The lass she was crass,                                     
And she said, "Kiss my ass,"                                
But McGruder was cruder, he screwed 'er!                    
                                                            
20258 CONGRESS - READY               Lims For Year - 01       



A hermit once thought his oasis                             
The best of all possible places.                            
For it had a mirage                                         
In the form of a large                                      
And affectionate female, curvaceous.                        
                                                            
20259 CONGRESS - READY                                        



A sailor at Sidi ben Sayid,                                 
Said, "Now I shall sleep, for I'm tired."                   
That's not what he said                                     
When he saw on his bed                                      
A nubile and naked young naiad.                             
                                                            
20260 CONGRESS - READY               Harold C. Bibby          



It's back, that's my huge raging rod,                       
Just looking for places to prod,                            
Like your slippery trench;                                  
That fire I'll quench.                                      
Now help me get rid of this wad.                            
                                                            
20261 CONGRESS - READY                                        



Too bad that your cock is so limp,                          
You silly old fool.  What a wimp!                           
My pussy, I bet,                                            
Can always, when wet,                                       
Get filled up 'thout needing a pimp.                        
                                                            
20262 CONGRESS - READY               Arden                    



To constantly bury your root,                               
In anyone ugly or cute                                      
Is dumber than hell,                                        
And risky as well,                                          
And it's atavistic, to boot.                                
                                                            
20263 CONGRESS - READY               Larry Davis         P8606



To her father cried hot Miss McCutcheon,                    
"To hell with our family escutcheon!                        
At the very first chance                                    
Off come these stretch-pants,                               
So my pussy can start right in smutchin'!"                  
                                                            
20264 CONGRESS - READY               Grand Prix Lim  012 G0120



From the book a young lady named Brook                      
Was unable to learn how to cook,                            
But to fuck she was able,                                   
So she lay on the table                                     
And supported her ass with the book.                        
                                                            
20265 CONGRESS - READY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0065



Said a dumb electrician of Texas,                           
"I perceive that the essence of sex is,                     
Not so much to seduce,                                      
As to turn on the juice,                                    
When I plug in the thing that connects us."                 
                                                            
20266 CONGRESS - READY               Keith MacMillan     A112A



My girl friend gives me a lay                               
And then she is done for the day.                           
I feel like a dunce                                         
Only doing it once,                                         
But practice makes perfect, they say.                       
                                                            
20267 CONGRESS - READY               Jim Weaver Collection    



A house dick there once was called Doroughty,               
Employed by a Vassar sorority.                              
It was not for the pay                                      
But the chance for a lay,                                   
For propinquity gives high priority.                        
                                                            
20268 CONGRESS - READY                                   G0055



Said a steaming young lady named Russell,                   
As she piled into bed for a tussle,                         
"I've got a hot oven,                                       
So get busy shovin'--                                       
Start pushing in yards of love-muscle!"                     
                                                            
20269 CONGRESS - READY               Grand Prix Lim  939 G0747



To her boyfriend said pretty Jeanette,                      
"There are no conditions, my pet.                           
You may use any surface,                                    
Any bump, any orifice,                                      
Whatsoever you want, I am set."                             
                                                            
20270 CONGRESS - READY               Isaac Asimov             



Said a cunt-loving swinger named Scott,                     
"I enjoy girlie games when I hot:                           
So you hide and I'll seek,                                  
For my lust's at it's peak --                               
Here I come whether ready or not."                          
                                                            
20271 CONGRESS - READY               Armand E Singer        48



Sometimes I'm in over my head;                              
Need a break to escape from the dread.                      
My valise at the ready                                      
With prophlactics and  teddy,                               
For a night with a willing redhead.                         
                                                            
20272 CONGRESS - READY               Eric Seaberg             



I know that the rules are quite strict,                     
And hellfire may both us afflict.                           
But the furrow I plow                                       
Is right here and now;                                      
The afterlife's hard to predict.                            
                                                            
20273 CONGRESS - READY               Tutta                    



"I do love a lay every day,                                 
So whenever you're coming this way,                         
Just phone in advance                                       
And I'll jerk off my pants,                                 
And we're set for a sexy soiree."                           
                                                            
20274 CONGRESS - READY                                   G0053



A linen-maid working at Eton                                
Said, "Hubby, I hope you've your heat on?                   
Forgive the inquiry,                                        
But I feel quite fiery,                                     
And that's why the floor's got a sheet on."                 
                                                            
20275 CONGRESS - READY               Harold C Bibby           



"Can it be", cried a thrice-diddled Gertie,                 
"That the minds of all men are so dirty?                    
For there on the bed                                        
With a hardon lies Ed,                                      
And yelling Let's Fuck! since 8:30."                        
                                                            
20276 CONGRESS - READY                                   G0079



There was a young lady named Lynne,                         
Who said, "I'm prepared to begin                            
Any sort of activity                                        
That suits my proclivity,                                   
Provided it counts as a sin."                               
                                                            
20277 CONGRESS - READY               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady named Willme,                        
Who said, "Oh now, please do not kill me.                   
I love your advances,                                       
And what's in your pantses.                                 
Do you think it could possibly fill me?"                    
                                                            
20278 CONGRESS - READY                                   L0907



Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle,                    
Who said with a wink and a smile,                           
"Sure, please stick it in,                                  
Be it thick, be it thin,                                    
But if rough, I won't do as a file."                        
                                                            
20279 CONGRESS - READY                                   L0089



Now that I'm out, [Thank you, Lord],                        
This TLC that you've assured                                
I will now receive,                                         
I need bad, I believe,                                      
For I've grown just as stiff as a board.                    
                                                            
20280 CONGRESS - READY                                        



A lassie from wee Ballachulish,                             
Observed, "Och, virginity's foolish.                        
When a lad makes a try,                                     
To say ought but 'Aye!'                                     
Is stubborn, pig-headed, and mulish."                       
                                                            
20281 CONGRESS - READY                                        



For Daphne (who thinks I'm a duffer)                        
With lust unrequited I suffer;                              
But give me a chance                                        
To get into her pants,                                      
And I'd quite comprehensively stuff her.                    
                                                            
20282 CONGRESS - READY               Peter Wilkins            



Thank God, I've a good reputation;                          
My name's not prone to defamation.                          
Though there's one thing I've got:                          
My mind's focussed on twat,                                 
But I don't think that's an aberration.                     
                                                            
20283 CONGRESS - READY                                        



There was a young lady so forward,                          
Especially when she was bored,                              
That passing, by chance,                                    
I could see at a glance,                                    
She was thinking of something untoward.                     
                                                            
20284 CONGRESS - READY               John Ciardi              



Women aren't that fickle at all;                            
Just listen closely to their call.                          
Once tickled her clit                                       
And she then calls Quit;                                    
She means -- you get you in to your ball(s).                
                                                            
20285 CONGRESS - READY                                        



An old couple sat naked at a meal;                          
She felt sexy and wanted to deal.                           
Her nipples felt so hot,                                    
She wanted him a lot.                                       
Wasn't sex, it was tits in oatmeal.                         
                                                            
20286 CONGRESS - READY               Tom Patton          P0308



With a French-lass, it's unwise to trifle.                  
They have urges they simply can't stifle.                   
A woman of France                                           
Will pull down her pants                                    
At the sight of a towering eyeful.                          
(Eiffel Tower - get it? - McW)                              
20287 CONGRESS - READY                                        



According to Henry Q. Ewing,                                
There's nothing like twice-nightly screwing.                
But after a while                                           
Despite polished style,                                     
It sure takes a whole lot of doing.                         
                                                            
20288 CONGRESS - READY               Armand E Singer       342



Slim, the wrangler, went into cahoots,                      
With a girl to indulge in pursuits                          
Unchaste and clandestine                                    
Which began by divestin'                                    
Themselves of their red union suits.                        
                                                            
20289 CONGRESS - READY               John Ciardi              



Turning down the desires of Marie,                          
John explained, "It's unfair, don't you see?                
For all I can do                                            
Is to keep screwing you,                                    
While you'd screw none other than me."                      
                                                            
20290 CONGRESS - READY               Isaac Asimov             



There she lay on the bed,                                   
With her legs still widely spread;                          
Wondering while waiting,                                    
Who am I dating,                                            
Should I use him or leave him for dead?                     
                                                            
20291 CONGRESS - READY                                        



There's a certain young woman named Fran,                   
Who has it whenever she can.                                
But that's not really much,                                 
So she's ripe for the touch,                                
Of just any old warm-blooded man.                           
                                                            
20292 CONGRESS - READY               Isaac Asimov             



A sex revolution comprising                                 
Guys and girls in a widespread uprising                     
Has come to a head,                                         
For the girls are widespread,                               
And the guys are all swiftly uprising.                      
                                                            
20293 CONGRESS - READY               Edwina Leer              



A very smart lady name Cookie,                              
Said, "I like to mix gambling with nookie.                  
Before every race                                           
I go home to my place                                       
And curl up with a very good bookie."                       
                                                            
20294 CONGRESS - READY               W S Baring-Gould         



His eyes lock on her's 'cross the room,                     
And despite the enveloping gloom                            
Of his most-recent fart,                                    
He could hear his own heart                                 
Going BOOM! and then tickety-BOOM!                          
                                                            
20295 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



And she too, in spite of the smell,                         
Which she frantically tried to dispel,                      
Held his eyes in her gaze,                                  
Through the murk and the haze,                              
As her embonpoint started to swell.  (plumpness)            
                                                            
20296 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Towards her, he ran in slow motion,                         
Avoiding a public commotion.                                
Towards him, she ran                                        
For she felt for this man                                   
A tsunami-type wave of emotion.                             
                                                            
20297 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Together at last in that room,                              
They clung tight in the gathering gloom.                    
Their initial attraction                                    
Soon turned into action,                                    
As lust did its business -- KABOOM!                         
                                                            
20298 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



She ripped off his lumberjack shirt                         
As he tore at her blouse and her skirt.                     
Then, as if in a trance,                                    
They both ripped off their pants,                           
And GERONIMO -- down in the dirt!                           
                                                            
20299 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



And yes, they tried each position                           
One could possibly use for coition.                         
They jumped and they pumped                                 
And like rabbits they humped                                
In a desperate search for fruition.                         
                                                            
20300 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



At last with a scream and a groan,                          
They reached peaks of excitement unknown.                   
But 'twas only a second,                                    
For Lust again beckoned --                                  
I think we should leave them alone.                         
                                                            
20301 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



It looks like they'll never quite stop.                     
Why the guy appears never to flop!                          
They'll go on and on                                        
Will young Janet and John,                                  
Until one or the both of them drop.                         
                                                            
20302 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



If you're screwing a gilr and you fail, you'd               
Be wise to try methods to stay lewd.                        
Stay calm and don't fidget,                                 
Some even stay rigid,                                       
By humming a J. S. Bach prelude.                            
                                                            
20303 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Issac Asimov        P9902



If you're screwing a girl and you fail, you'd               
Be wise to try methods to stay lewd.                        
Stay calm and don't squirm;                                 
There's yet hope for your worm                              
By combining Viagra and Qualude.                            
                                                            
20304 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Arthur Deex         P9902



I've noticed how time slips away                            
When I'm working my balls off each day.                     
Well, I'm buggered if I'm                                   
Gonna spend so much time                                    
On it, instead of bedroom-type play.                        
                                                            
20305 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



Now who do I choose for such fun?                           
Well it could be a nurse or a nun;                          
But today for a change,                                     
I'll go down on the range                                   
And find Bessie to trigger my gun.                          
                                                            
20306 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



The sun is just starting to rise;                           
I can barely open my eyes.                                  
But already I feel                                          
Your rod of steel,                                          
As you slide it in, between my thighs.                      
                                                            
20307 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



For sure it's much better than coffee;                      
Come suck me like butterscotch toffee,                      
And then re-arrange                                         
Yourself - for a change,                                    
You be boffer and I'll be the boffee.                       
                                                            
20308 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



Well, Ah ain't quite as pure as the snow                    
(There's been fellers before ya, ya know...)                
But none's been today                                       
An' Ah'm racheer to say                                     
Thet Ah'm cleaned up and rarin' to go.                      
                                                            
20309 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



An' mah reddest part shore ain't mah neck.                  
But you'll find thet out quick, I suspec'.                  
They say seein's believin'                                  
While we're hein' an' shein',                               
We'll git right down to it, by heck!                        
                                                            
20310 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



Ah don' need a bunch a' fine words;                         
We could just snuggle up lak lovebirds.                     
Ya'll seem in dire straits,                                 
An' yer true love awaits.                                   
There'll be time fer just talk afterwards.                  
                                                            
20311 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



I went where no man went before,                            
Cleaning under the desk, 'hind the door.                    
No hand could I find                                        
Of the spook-creepy kind,                                   
Instead monster spiders galore!                             
                                                            
20312 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



He picked that time to arrive,                              
With no spider but snake between thigh.                     
He took the desk chair,                                     
But did not dispair;                                        
When she took the snake, he did sigh.                       
                                                            
20313 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



I am not concerned with your stickler,                      
And even less so with your prickler.                        
As for your degrees,                                        
Use what temp you please --                                 
A lass only wants you to tickler.                           
                                                            
20314 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



I've had it up quims and in gobs,                           
While servicing trollops and snobs.                         
But I must confess,                                         
They, to their distress,                                    
Found not that "it tickles", but throbs!                    
                                                            
20315 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



Well, I prayed for you all night long,                      
But you didn't appear with your dong.                       
I was down on my knees,                                     
And even said please,                                       
So tonight I'll try singing a song.                         
                                                            
20316 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



My dear, did you pray for the good                          
Of mankind as a whole, as you should?                       
Or with hands 'tween your thighs,                           
Did you close your sweet eyes                               
And pray, "Gimme a length of that wood"?                    
                                                            
20317 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



No matter, just sing me that song;                          
I'll forgive you your sins before long.                     
But I have a request;                                       
Will you please get undressed?                              
At least down to your miniscule thong.                      
                                                            
20318 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



I do not intend to deceive                                  
You, so trust you don't really believe                      
That I use sleight of hand                                  
When I juggle my gland,                                     
For I don't keep it here up my sleeve.                      
                                                            
20319 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



Though I'm often the victim of scolding,                    
Stroke three is my record for holding                       
Off firing my round                                         
In so luscious a mound,                                     
As the one I'm at present beholding.                        
                                                            
20320 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



Mister Eight-Inch, what do you impart?                      
I suggest that I finally start                              
To check out if it's true                                   
(Nothing I'd rather do).                                    
Come on, prove now your 'off-holding' art                   
                                                            
20321 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



My interest, you know, 's scientific                        
So, please, could you be more specific?                     
Tell me: what would you do                                  
In round one or round two?                                  
Then round three - would it be real terrific?               
                                                            
20322 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



In order to make it quite clear                             
Don't whisper just words in my ear.                         
Act it out! So I might                                      
Get everything right                                        
(Just in service of science, my dear).                      
                                                            
20323 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



One more thing: If you might hear a moan...                 
Don't bother, that's only a tone                            
Showing you do it right,                                    
(Good results are in sight).                                
Go ahead, now, feel free -- we're alone.                    
                                                            
20324 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



A law of all nature (we know)                               
Is all tiny things have to grow.                            
Just lie down and rest;                                     
I will do my best                                           
To prove this law, so here we go.                           
                                                            
20325 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES                               



Young Reggie is building some pecs;                         
His biceps and triceps can flex.                            
It's all with one aim;                                      
He want's him a dame,                                       
So he can enjoy some more sex!                              
                                                            
20326 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Archie                   



Young Reggie just bullshits and stirs                       
Young Josie, an innocent nurse                              
And he doesn't worry                                        
To say that he's sorry;                                     
He should buy her pearls and some furs.                     
                                                            
20327 CONGRESS - READY - SERIES      Archie                   



There was a young fellow from Maine,                        
Who said, "If I choose to abstain                           
Just one day, during Lent,                                  
From my sexual bent,                                        
Then all of my girl-friends complain."                      
                                                            
20328 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Isaac Asimov             



The once was a lass from Kilwinning,                        
Whose smile was especially winning.                         
All night and all day,                                      
She'd shag you, then say,                                   
"Aw christ, noo ma heids really spinning!"                  
                                                            
20329 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



A student of Shiatsu Massage                                
Used to moonlight behind the garage.                        
She lay on her back,                                        
While stroking her crack,                                   
And took on an entire lodge!                                
                                                            
20330 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Palinurus          TP9802



A frustrated butcher named Hearst                           
Concluded that girls were accursed,                         
So he fucked the first nine                                 
Who were standing in line,                                  
And he finished the rest with his wurst.                    
                                                            
20331 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-2103



A man from St. Clair was so lewd                            
Whenever he got in the mood,                                
The cook, the au pair,                                      
The valet got his share --                                  
Why, even the butler got screwed!                           
                                                            
20332 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Kaylin                   



There was an old duchess named Dag                          
Whose duke on occasion would lag.                           
But she had a good servant                                  
Who was very observant --                                   
He stepped in when his lordship did flag.                   
                                                            
20333 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0101



Populations continue their growing,                         
Radiation has waterways glowing.                            
I'm not sure what we're doing,                              
But with all this damn screwing,                            
I can't tell if we're coming or going.                      
                                                            
20334 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Bob Birch                



And there's a young girl in Japan,                          
Who will take it where ever she can.                        
With rampant delight,                                       
She'll screw though the night,                              
And cool her cunt down with her fan.                        
                                                            
20335 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Tim Fisher               



The sheets on the bed were all wrinkly.                     
Not only that -- they were quite stinkly,                   
'Cause each afternoon                                       
From April to June,                                         
She and her beau did things right kinkly.                   
                                                            
20336 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Marlene Lewis            



Miss Hoover's appeal in Vancouver,                          
Was her groove which was really a mover.                    
She claimed her ravine                                      
Could handle eighteen,                                      
And no man could reveal a disprover.                        
                                                            
20337 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Pierce Evans             



A delightful young fellow called Sonny,                     
Who was a young man sweet and funny.                        
When tickled for fun,                                       
Would get off his gun,                                      
And say, "Do that again, will you, Honey?"                  
                                                            
20338 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Most men do it once, maybe twice;                           
A few even claim more than thrice.                          
My dog has no limits,                                       
In just twenty minutes,                                     
He'd done 24, that's no lies.                               
                                                            
20339 CONGRESS - SERIAL                                       



An amorous WAC name of Laker                                
Was screwed by two chefs and a baker,                       
Then a bombardier, Palmer,                                  
And the colonel's embalmer,                                 
Then the priest and the old undertaker.                     
                                                            
20340 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0720



There was a young lady, a foreigner,                        
Who had an affair with the coroner.                         
When he faltered at four,                                   
She belittled his scour,                                    
But he managed to muster four more in her.                  
                                                            
20341 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0148



An over-sexed dolly named Stout                             
Said, "It's sad how most fellow wear out.                   
Joe Smith and Bill Grimes                                   
Both made it five times,                                    
But ONCE wrecks the average lout."                          
                                                            
20342 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Grand Prix Lim  202      



There once was a metermaid's nipple                         
Directing you after your tipple?                            
They're so very kind                                        
With directions I find,                                     
And so healthy!  Oft good for a triple!                     
                                                            
20343 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Tutta Gioia              



There was a young fellow named Nate                         
Who went to his girl for a date.                            
But her parents were there                                  
So he sucked off the pair,                                  
Then he cornholed the daughter first rate.                  
                                                            
20344 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0862



Now take Anna, she's so full of zest;                       
Gets it on with each of her guests.                         
She'll take a hillbilly                                     
And diddle his willy;                                       
Then move on to her very next quest.                        
                                                            
20345 CONGRESS - SERIAL                                       



A scholarly fellow of Natchez                               
Found so many unconquered snatches,                         
That pursuit was in vain                                    
And he failed to make gain                                  
Till he tackled the snatches in batches.                    
                                                            
20346 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0737



There once was a fellow named Bret                          
Who screwed every chance he could get;                      
He was told, if kept dry,                                   
That his penis would die,                                   
So he hastened to keep it all wet.                          
                                                            
20347 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Cap'n Bean          P0107



Her mouth, like a ship, full of seamen,                     
From coxswain to boatswain, all creamin'.                   
Salty dogs she adored,                                      
Tasting all hands aboard.                                   
Her greatest delight was tag-teamin'!                       
                                                            
20348 CONGRESS - SERIAL              RanDog                   



There once was a fellow named Cabot,                        
Who made love to his girl as a habit.                       
But he ran to the door                                      
When his girl asked for more,                               
He yelled "I'm a man not a rabbit!"                         
                                                            
20349 CONGRESS - SERIAL              VOL 11                   



I dream of the day when my clone                            
Will sneak in after my bone                                 
Has blown off a wad;                                        
His tongue you'll applaud.                                  
I'll snooze while you come thrice and groan.                
                                                            
20350 CONGRESS - SERIAL                                       



A mechanic from near Holland Landing                        
Felt the surge of his urge so demanding,                    
He assembled the few                                        
Sexy girls that he knew,                                    
And he ravished the lot, notwithstanding.                   
                                                            
20351 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Keith MacMillan       68c



A middle aged man of Kamloops                               
Used to ravish his women in groups,                         
Long ago. But today                                         
To his utter dismay,                                        
After two at the most, he just droops.                      
                                                            
20352 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Donald Bishop,Ontario102b



A toothless old man from Monrovia,                          
Once said to two girls "I will show ya';                    
One after another,                                          
I'm still a good lover,                                     
And then I will take on the both o' ya'!"                   
                                                            
20353 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



While Matt dreams of girls in the john,                     
Horny Harry sets out for the sun.                           
When he comes at the beach,                                 
Several nudes within reach,                                 
Then he fucks them all!  Son of a gun!                      
                                                            
20354 CONGRESS - SERIAL                                       



A heartless seducer named Ord                               
Is rated by common accord                                   
The greatest of pros,                                       
Since only God knows                                        
The times this famed lover has scored.                      
                                                            
20355 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Armand E Singer       988



A handsome young fellow called Campbell                     
Went out with some girls on a ramble.                       
They were pleased and impressed                             
By his sexy prowess,                                        
But he cried, "This is just the preamble!"                  
                                                            
20356 CONGRESS - SERIAL                                       



Said a buxom young wench from Carlisle,                     
To her beaux -- "You'are cramping my style.                 
It is better potentially                                    
To do it sequentially."                                     
They quickly put up a turnstile.                            
                                                            
20357 CONGRESS - SERIAL              FCA                 T9711



There was a young bowler named Brophey                      
Who fucked a young lady named Sophie.                       
Seven strikes in a row                                      
And it was apropos                                          
That he give her his bowling ball trophy.                   
                                                            
20358 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0066



A good time I did have with Sue;                            
Every night we'd hump and we'd screw.                       
She's cry out for more,                                     
Until she was raw-sore,                                     
But once that went, guess what we'd do?                     
                                                            
20359 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



A hillbilly from Mississippi                                
Married a horny young hippie.                               
She loved to fuck,                                          
So they did it so much,                                     
Their van floor was always too slippery!                    
                                                            
20360 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



I entered this group in a haze,                             
To join in the limericking craze.                           
It would have been sooner,                                  
But I paused for a nooner;                                  
It lasted three nights and four days.                       
                                                            
20361 CONGRESS - SERIAL              David Temby              



Inebriate Enid of Corfe,                                    
When as pissed as fart takes 'em orf,                       
And parades round the street                                
Shouting, "Whang out yer meat,                              
If you fancy a suck or a borff."                            
                                                            
20362 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Peter Wilkins            



Yes, I am now prone to brag                                 
Of the cock size and women I bag.                           
And were I immortal,                                        
I'd fill every portal --                                    
The whole fucking world I would shag!                       
                                                            
20363 CONGRESS - SERIAL              H WHELCHEL               



When done right, sex will make you tired,                   
When the heat of your loins has done fired.                 
You should just take a nap                                  
With your head in her lap,                                  
And begin again when you've rewired.                        
                                                            
20364 CONGRESS - SERIAL                                       



An agile young fraulein of Innsbruck,                       
Seems very lightly her sins took.                           
She stood ten men in line,                                  
Screwed them one at a time,                                 
And then two at a time she ten twins took.                  
                                                            
20365 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-2125



A fully-fledged lecher named Sean,                          
Pounds down on his mistress till dawn.                      
With three hours to recover,                                
He's on top and above her,                                  
That dirty old satyr, that faun.                            
                                                            
20366 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Armand E Singer       686



There was a young satyr named Patrick                       
Who pulled off a stunt quite theatric.                      
In one short day,                                           
He had his vile way                                         
With three different women -- the hat trick.                
                                                            
20367 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Armand E Singer      793A



The climax when Josie engages,                              
Is postponed for what seems to be ages.                     
Out of self-preservation                                    
And to banish frustration,                                  
She has three or four fellows -- in stages.                 
                                                            
20368 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow named Clairwell                    
Who fucked his girl once and said farewell.                 
He went to the door                                         
But she cried for some more,                                
So he fucked her twice more on the stairwell.               
                                                            
20369 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0084



There was a young braggart from Dyer                        
Whose ego outstripped his desire.                           
He claimed he could lay                                     
Twenty broads in a day.                                     
It was only nineteen, the damn liar!                        
                                                            
20370 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Hugh Oliver         A110A



When young it was twenty times nightly,                     
While boffing Miss Anna Golightly;                          
But now I say meekly                                        
It's twice a week, weakly,                                  
'Cause Anna don't fit me so tightly.                        
                                                            
20371 CONGRESS - SERIAL                                       



Said a certain young woman of Denver,                       
"Just why did you screw me again, sir?                      
I do not think it's nice                                    
For one man to screw twice;                                 
That is what I make use of two men for."                    
                                                            
20372 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Isaac Asimov             



I slipped through a hole in the ice;                        
'Twas frigid but felt kinda nice.                           
In fact, I would say                                        
That cold-natured Kay                                       
Was hot, so I slipped back in twice!                        
                                                            
20373 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Travis Brasell           



An amorous fellow named Lee,                                
Divorced and just rewedded, he                              
Did daily have sex                                          
With wife plus the ex --                                    
Admitting, "I love it, you see!"                            
                                                            
20374 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Armand E Singer       762



There was a young lady named Finnegan                       
Who said to her man, "Pour some gin again,                  
And then rest you a while,                                  
For I fancy your style,                                     
And I want you to put that thing in again."                 
                                                            
20375 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0140



The daughter of Corporal Harrison                           
Was humped by the men of his garrison.                      
"Not by two," wailed her dad,                               
"But by all, she was had --                                 
I do find it rather embarraassin'!"                         
                                                            
20376 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Armand E Singer       246



An ambitious young fellow named Sayers                      
Begged of God every day in his prayers,                     
"Please grant me my dream                                   
To hump a whole team                                        
Of bosomy girl soccer players."                             
                                                            
20377 CONGRESS - SERIAL              Armand E Singer       367



A star NBA player once said,                                
"I took ten thousand women to bed!"                         
This confession of screwing                                 
Merits careful reviewing --                                 
Just how many were all in his head?                         
                                                            
20378 CONGRESS - SERIAL              William N Nesbit    P0107



Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches                         
Got on with her grooms and her wenches.                     
She went down on the gents,                                 
And pronged the girl's vents                                
With a clitoris reaching six inches.                        
                                                            
20379 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0267



There was a young lady named Astor,                         
Who never let any get past her.                             
She finally got plenty,                                     
By stopping twenty,                                         
Which certainly ought to last her.                          
                                                            
20380 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0268



There was a young lady from Spain,                          
Who did it again and again,                                 
And again and again                                         
And again and again                                         
And again and again and again.                              
                                                            
20381 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Anon                L0348



The belly on Tillie protrudes,                              
Due to hipshots from twenty male nudes.                     
At that party at Lears,                                     
She laid all but three queers,                              
Six impotent guys, and two prudes.                          
                                                            
20382 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0724



There was a young lady from Hadham,                         
Very fond of the primitive Adam.                            
Whatever the name                                           
Of the men in the game,                                     
The madam from Hadham had had'em.                           
                                                            
20383 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



In a broken-down Indian pagoda,                             
One hears the Ranee of Baroda                               
Serviced ten sexual bandits,                                
Including two pandits,                                      
And blowing each one who'd bestrode 'er.                    
                                                            
20384 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0714



One thing the lady made clear:                              
She'll fuck anything that comes near!                       
Apes, dogs, hyenas,                                         
If they've got a penis,                                     
She's got the pussy right here!                             
                                                            
20385 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Writerman                



Said another young woman of Gratz,                          
"You ask how much screwing? Why, lots!                      
About ten to fourteen                                       
With perversions between.                                   
Any less and I break out in spots."                         
                                                            
20386 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



A young man, quite free with his dong,                      
Said the thing could be had for a song.                     
Such response did he get                                    
That he rented the Met,                                     
And held auditions all the day long.                        
                                                            
20387 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L1013



My body's a temple," said Sue.  In                          
Some pride, I replied: "Nothin' doin'.                      
It's suffered the ravage                                    
Of many a savage,                                           
And years, and it's now but a ruin."                        
                                                            
20388 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Tiddy Ogg                



A lady stockholder, quite hetera,                           
Decided her fortunes to bettera.                            
On the floor, quite unclad,                                 
She was successively had,                                   
By Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera.                
                                                            
20389 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



There once was a woman named Jane                           
Whose face was exceedingly plain.                           
But down in her cellar,                                     
She was a real live heller,                                 
So the boys came again and again.                           
                                                            
20390 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lass of Odessa,                           
Who said to her father confessor,                           
"When the fellows surround me,                              
Pursue me and hound me,                                     
Do you think I give in to them?  Yessir!"                   
                                                            
20391 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



There was a young girl from Decatur                         
Who went out to sea on a freighter.                         
She was screwed by the Master;                              
An utter disaster;                                          
But the crew all made up for it later.                      
                                                            
20392 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



On an outing with seventeen Czechs,                         
A girl tourist supplied the free sex.                       
She returned from the jaunt                                 
Feeling more or less gaunt,                                 
But the Czechs were all absolute wrecks.                    
                                                            
20393 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Grand Prix Lim  256 G0674



There once was a diddlesome lass,                           
Whose dandles drew young men en masse.                      
What with diddling and dandling,                            
She endured much manhandling--                              
Rather more that most girls of her class.                   
(dandles - petting, pampering, playing)                     
20394 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     John Ciardi              



You would need a computer to tally                          
All the cowboys who've scouted our Sally.                   
There were some on her mountains,                           
And some on her fountains,                                  
And quite a few down in the valley.                         
                                                            
20395 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



At a tree-shaded rest stop near Dunnigan,                   
A hot wench there makes traveling fun again;                
When you've blown off your wad,                             
She says "Tarry, by Gawd;                                   
If you're patient, I'll get off your gun again!"            
                                                            
20396 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Allen Wolverton          



There was a young lady named Blanche,                       
Who screwed all the boys at the ranch.                      
After sexing all day,                                       
'Til their pricks wore away,                                
She demanded nocturnal revanche.                            
(revanche - government policy of regaining lost territory)  
20397 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0534



There is a young miss named Honoree,                        
When a man says to her, "I adore 'ee,"                      
She opens her twat                                          
To give him a shot,                                         
And then gets extremely encore-y.                           
                                                            
20398 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0093



Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,                    
She obliges all who accost her.                             
She welcomes the prick                                      
Of Tom, Harry, or Dick,                                     
Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.                             
                                                            
20399 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0303



"Though some men are still sexy today,                      
Far too many turn out to be gay,"                           
Said prissy Miss Preeble                                    
"On the whole they're all feeble...                         
I should know...I lay fifteen a day..."                     
                                                            
20400 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Grand Prix Lim  603      



She said, "Give me a break!                                 
My pussy is starting to ache!                               
I did fifteen men,                                          
Then I did them again!                                      
That's all my poor pussy can take!                          
                                                            
20401 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Little Richard           



Said a girl who was forced to go dutch,                     
On a love nest, "I don't mind too much.                     
Though I pay half the lease,                                
I collect half--apiece--                                    
From Smitty, Gil, Stu, Tim and Hutch."                      
                                                            
20402 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     John Ciardi              



Said a white-haired old lady named Beers,                   
As she balled with a quintet of queers,                     
"As God is my witness,                                      
This is the shit'nest                                       
Gang-bang I've had in nine years."                          
                                                            
20403 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0973



My wife is ideal for screwin',                              
By kike, polack, mick, wop, or coon.                        
Though we men much prefer                                   
When ejoying of her,                                        
To use it for pot or spittoon.                              
                                                            
20404 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Clement Wood   G0745     



Her pickup fucked Fanny for days,                           
Altogether some forty-eight lays!                           
Though her cunthole feels sore,                             
She could use a few more,                                   
But the fellow's just left in a daze.                       
                                                            
20405 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0560



Lisa and her good friend Kate,                              
(Who some call the inflatable date)                         
Are setting the pace                                        
In the "local boy" race,                                    
To see who can have the most mates.                         
                                                            
20406 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



Shirley's face appears careworn and ashen,                  
And it's all due to sexual passion.                         
Though she knows it ain't right,                            
She shacks up day and night,                                
Like nookie might go out of fashion.                        
                                                            
20407 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0510



A greedy old whore from Valletta                            
Took on any man who would let 'er;                          
The Knights of St John                                      
Rode this steed one by one,                                 
Till they found that in groups it was better.               
                                                            
20408 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Peter Blyth         P0109



"I should like," said my aunt, "to change gender.           
Every part of me's bruised, torn, and tender.               
For my man weighs a ton,                                    
Six times nightly, his fun,                                 
And in short, is a damned heavy spender."                   
                                                            
20409 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



Ten thousand GI's with hard cocks                           
Lined up around town for ten blocks,                        
For a chance to fuck Millie;                                
Half the gang fucked her silly,                             
And the rest shot their wads in their socks.                
                                                            
20410 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0551



"I enjoy", claimed a nympho named Henty,                    
"Being had by some fifteen or twenty;                       
For the sessions I prize                                    
Have a surfeit of guys,                                     
Since an orgy's a horny of plenty."                         
                                                            
20411 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



Fucking hot Mrs. Diddle next door                           
Is getting to be quite a chore.                             
There's the milkman and me                                  
(Her hubby makes three)                                     
And she's putting out feelers for more!                     
                                                            
20412 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Grand Prix Lim  725 G0565



A promiscuous housewife named Tabors                        
Is serviced by all her male neighbors.                      
Said she, "Though it's boring                               
To do all this whoring,                                     
It does sort of lighten my labors."                         
                                                            
20413 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0197



There was a young woman from Venice,                        
Who's a regular sexual menace.                              
She would hop from one boy                                  
To another, with joy,                                       
Like a ball in a fast game of tennis.                       
                                                            
20414 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



A vacuous coed named Mandrill                               
Took on the whole band after band drill,                    
By the stands in the grass.                                 
First the reeds then the brass,                             
Then a maintenance man with a hand drill.                   
                                                            
20415 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Bob Giandomenico    P9003



A Marmaronick maid cried, "December                         
Is a month I delight to remember...                         
On most cozy, cold days,                                    
I've had seven hot lays,                                    
And I simply loved each dying ember!"                       
                                                            
20416 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Grand Prix Lim  929      



There was a young lady named Kate,                          
Who thought lovemaking was great.                           
She'd line up a queue                                       
Of not just a few,                                          
And practised until it was late.                            
                                                            
20417 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Archie                   



If life went according to plan,                             
And she could have sex with a man                           
Any time of the day,                                        
Every possible way,                                         
Her cunt would require a fan.                               
                                                            
20418 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Dieter Vancouver         



A horny young lady was Kay                                  
Who wanted to fuck every day.                               
So she gave every caller                                    
A Kennedy dollar,                                           
For providing a friend the next day.                        
                                                            
20419 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Albin Chaplin   3024-0230



There was a young woman named Joan,                         
Who once had six men of her own.                            
The first was for Mondays,                                  
Then the rest--except Sundays,                              
When she'd just masturbate all alone.                       
                                                            
20420 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



From males I have need to be sexed;                         
Yet soon find myself bored and vexed.                       
So it's been my thinking:                                   
No permanent linking;                                       
When I'm done with one, I call...NEXT!                      
                                                            
20421 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Going2later              



There was a young lady named Susie,                         
Whom everyone thought was a floozy.                         
She like Boy Scout Troops,                                  
And Shriners, in groups;                                    
"What the hell!" she said, "I'm not choosy!"                
                                                            
20422 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



While spending the winter at Pau,                           
Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."                             
So the head-porter made her,                                
The second cook laid her,                                   
The waiters were all hanging low.                           
                                                            
20423 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0334



There was an old lady named Barr,                           
Defiled by six men in a car.                                
They were hellbent on rape                                  
And she could not escape,                                   
So she stayed and outfucked them by far.                    
                                                            
20424 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Albin Chaplin 3024  G0520



A happy old hag named McPherson,                            
Was really the busiest person.                              
Spent her days, for a fact,                                 
In the sexual act,                                          
And all of her nights in rehearsing. (perversions)          
                                                            
20425 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0654



There was a young fellow named Babbit,                      
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,                   
But a girl from Johore,                                     
Could do it twice more,                                     
Which was just enough extra to crab it.                     
                                                            
20426 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0270



Once a handsome film maker named Stu,                       
Asked a sexy young actress to screw.                        
As she struck a nice pose,                                  
She was overexposed,                                        
And did retakes for each of the crew.                       
                                                            
20427 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Bob Birch                



A nympho by the name of Calpurnia,                          
Grew hot and hotter and burnier.                            
So she fucked and she fucked,                               
And she fucked and she fucked,                              
'Til she fucked herself into a hernia.                      
                                                            
20428 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



There was a young lady named Ransom,                        
Who was rodgered three times in a hansom.                   
When she cried out for more,                                
A weak voice from the floor,                                
Said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson!"                     
                                                            
20429 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0339



There once was a lawyer named Charlotte,                    
Who was known as a bit of a harlot.                         
She did fifteen men,                                        
Then she did them again,                                    
Until her quiff turned a bright shade of scarlet.           
                                                            
20430 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



There once was a girl named McGoffin,                       
Who was diddled amazingly often.                            
At sex, never bested,                                       
She never was rested,                                       
'Til the day she was screwed in her coffin.                 
(She even laid scores, Of men turned down by whores,)       
20431 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0319



There was a young lady named Bunch,                         
Who much loved to wriggle and scrunch.                      
On the Citadel green,                                       
She was screwed by sixteen;                                 
Then she sucked off the Sergeant for lunch.                 
                                                            
20432 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0538



Sexy Senora Constanz                                        
Grew so tired of her pots and pans,                         
She broke out of her ruts                                   
By depleting the nuts                                       
Of all of her husband's hired hands.                        
                                                            
20433 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Yoda Buddy               



An oversexed bunny named Bright                             
Took on seven fellows one night.                            
She averred, "It was fun,                                   
And when they were done,                                    
I still felt all right, but not tight."                     
                                                            
20434 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Grand Prix Lim  604      



Of the two genders why the pretext                          
That the male is the more highly sexed?                     
For in truth when they mate                                 
When they're through, he must wait,                         
While she's always set for the next.                        
                                                            
20435 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Bob Giandomenico    P9102



A girl from the Rockies, named Sally,                       
Was well known for her peaks and her valley.                
She aspired to screw                                        
Every man that she knew,                                    
And indeed she lost track of the tally.                     
                                                            
20436 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Alex Heydon         P0402



The sounds of the night call me, sweetly:                   
"Oh, do it!  Oh, do it!  Repeatly!"                         
And so I obey,                                              
At least until day,                                         
Then scamper on my booted feetly!                           
                                                            
20437 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



There was an old bat from Tooele,                           
When asked what she'd had for her filler,                   
Said, "Twelve men on the floor,                             
Who won't leave by the door,                                
Till they show off their genital skilla.                    
                                                            
20438 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     ML                       



Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,                      
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.                     
Just the thought of his schmuck                             
Got her ready to fuck,                                      
Which they did six or seven times daily.                    
                                                            
20439 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Loman                    



A girl went down by the creek,                              
And had her cunt licked by a peke,                          
Her bottom enjoyed                                          
By sixteen unemployed,                                      
And her mouth crammed with spunk by a Greek.                
                                                            
20440 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0519



There was a young girl named Priscilla,                     
With whom sex proved completely a thrilla.                  
One just can't get enough                                   
Of that girl's kind of stuff.                               
(Although the sixth time is a killa.)                       
                                                            
20441 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



There was a young miss from the Pyrenees                    
Who was diddled so much she had weary knees.                
A distended quim,                                           
With no hair on the rim,                                    
And gism from navel to smeary knees.                        
                                                            
20442 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G2726



A highway patrol buff named Claire,                         
Once screwed half a troop on a dare.                        
And her parts grew so hot,                                  
There was steam on her twat,                                
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare.                      
                                                            
20443 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



There was a young lady named Lassiter,                      
Whose permission could not have been taciter.               
She would lie on the lawn,                                  
Barely stifling a yawn,                                     
While our lads stood in line for a pass at her.             
                                                            
20444 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     John Ciardi              



Une jeune fille-de-joi in Shawinigan,                       
Who would say to her men, 'Put it in again!"                
If they couldn't do that,                                   
She would hand them their hat,                              
Then go out in the street and begin again.                  
                                                            
20445 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     John E Mayhood      P0101



There once was a lady from Dublin                           
Whose addiction to sex was quite troublin'.                 
At the start, it was merely                                 
A few couplings yearly;                                     
Now it's six times a day and still doublin'!                
                                                            
20446 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Robert Elliot            



An oversexed lady named White,                              
Insists on a dozen a night.                                 
A fellow named Cheddar,                                     
Had the brashness to wed her.                               
His chance of survival is slight.                           
                                                            
20447 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0362



At the sight of my neighbor's glad thighs,                  
Old Faithful makes efforts to rise.                         
But after ten nights                                        
Of her bedroom delights,                                    
The tail-light burns low in my eyes.                        
                                                            
20448 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0202



A girl from Shanghai had a ball,                            
With the whole Eighth Army last fall.                       
She was screwed, with a smile,                              
Seven times every mile,                                     
The full length of the Chinese Great Wall.                  
                                                            
20449 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



A waterfront wench who's from Natchez                       
Likes to sample her pricks in big batches.                  
So she frequently screws                                    
The mates and the crews                                     
While the captains are safe under hatches.                  
                                                            
20450 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0706



Near an army base, sighed sweet Miss Harrison,              
"I have screwed every man in the garrison;                  
Sure, three at a time                                       
Would have been just sublime,                               
But they said that would be too embarrassin'!"              
                                                            
20451 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Norm Storer              



Three farmers named Tom, Dick, and Harry,                   
All wanted the same girl to marry.                          
She held trials in the barn,                                
And decided on Tom,                                         
Because Tom had a dick very hairy.                          
                                                            
20452 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                              



I once knew a soldier, Italian,                             
Who said he was built like a stallion.                      
The fool though that he                                     
Could satisfy me...                                         
But it took the whole bloody battalion.                     
                                                            
20453 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady named Mame,                          
Whose parents believed it a shame,                          
To reject all the beaux,                                    
Who came round to propose.                                  
But she didn't.  That's not why then came.                  
                                                            
20454 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     John Ciardi              



There was a young lady named Dot,                           
Whose cunt was so terribly hot,                             
That ten bishops of Rome,                                   
And the Pope's private gnome,                               
Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.                         
                                                            
20455 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Albin Chaplin 3024  G1102



There was a young lady named Gloria,                        
Who was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier.                       
And then by six men,                                        
Sir Gerald again,                                           
And the band at the Waldorf Astoria.                        
                                                            
20456 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         L0302



Sally-Jo was exceedingly vexed,                             
When they said she was quite oversexed.                     
She said, "That's not true,                                 
I just like to screw.                                       
Now please take a number.  Who's next?"                     
                                                            
20457 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



The Academy Girl" is Miss Ulva.                             
One spring day, the whole band at Culver,                   
All eighty cadets                                           
With firm, young coronets,                                  
Played the Culver Tattoo on her vulva.                      
                                                            
20458 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Theo Heller         P9211



Marlene, as is told, is out rambling                        
In Vegas where she's into gambling;                         
She bet all her cash                                        
That her silky gash                                         
Can take the whole ball team from Grambling.                
                                                            
20459 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Travis Brasell           



An ancient Greek harlot named Harriet                       
Would take on two men in a chariot,                         
Six monks and two tailors,                                  
Nine priests and ten sailors,                               
Doubting Thomas and Judas Iscariot!                         
                                                            
20460 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G0609



There once was a girl from Dover,                           
Who told men to bang her bent over.                         
They passed her around                                      
Till she'd fucked the whole town,                           
And then she started all over.                              
                                                            
20461 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Arbuckle           TP9802



There was a young woman, sublime,                           
Who loved to partake of her wine.                           
If she had much to drink,                                   
All the guys got a wink,                                    
And she hopped into bed all the time.                       
                                                            
20462 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Anon                     



When the men were all absent, Jane drooped.                 
She liked it the best when they grouped.                    
She worked them with vigor,                                 
Reducing their rigor,                                       
And when done, felt delightfully pooped.                    
                                                            
20463 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     Isaac Asimov             



There once was a girl from Red Hook,                        
Who said, "Though I could be mistook,                       
One more time ought to do,                                  
To get me and you                                           
Into Guinness's World Record Book.                          
                                                            
20464 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE     John Ciardi              



A horny young girl from Mount Lassen                        
Said, "I sure wish my cunt would unfasten.                  
For I'd leave it with you                                   
A whole month, maybe two--                                  
Till you were fucked out, you ass-assin!"                   
                                                            
20465 CONGRESS - SERIAL - FEMALE                         G2433



There was a young Scot in Madrid,                           
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.                        
When they said, "Are you faint?"                            
He replied, "No, I ain't,                                   
But I don't feel as good as I did."                         
                                                            
20466 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           L0321



There was a young man from Molapida,                        
Whose rebound was rapid and rapider.                        
In an hour and three-quarters,                              
He fucked eight farmers' daughters,                         
Which is way above average per capita.                      
                                                            
20467 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           G0701



There was an old farmer named Heetfield                     
Who hired many girls in his beetfield.                      
When the day's work was done,                               
He said, "Let's all have fun."                              
And he had all the girls in his wheatfield.                 
                                                            
20468 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Albin Chaplin            



A man screwed his wife and her mother,                      
Her sisters, her aunts, and grandmother.                    
On his prick he put glasses                                 
And he said, "Look for asses,                               
To be sure we have missed nothing, brother."                
                                                            
20469 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2200



A daredevil skater named Lowe,                              
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow.                         
But is proudest of doing                                    
Some incredible screwing,                                   
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row.                  
                                                            
20470 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



There once was a fellow named Weston,                       
Who for screwing, he was a-questin'.                        
He tried out the dollies,                                   
And found through his follies,                              
There wasn't a one he fit best in.                          
                                                            
20471 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



Mr. Galsworthy rented a suite,                              
In a building devoid of all heat.                           
So he fucked for three months,                              
Sucked thirty-nine cunts,                                   
Which solved all his problem quite neat.                    
                                                            
20472 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           L0349



A wealthy young man of Bagdad                               
Has morals excessively bad:                                 
He keep seven Circassians                                   
As a vent for his passions,                                 
And on Sundays, he buggers a lad.                           
                                                            
20473 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           G0514



There was a rude man with a beard,                          
Whose behavior was terribly weird.                          
Though he'd screw a long list                               
Of girls in the mist,                                       
He'd be gone by the time it had cleared.                    
                                                            
20474 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Isaac Asimov             



Said a foolish old lecher named Brannigan:                  
"My dear, I don't think that I can again.                   
That dozen last night                                       
Were just a delight,                                        
But Lord knows when I'll be a man again."                   
                                                            
20475 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       DryGulch                 



Said a wornout young fellow named Tabor                     
To his sweet and compliasant neighbor,                      
"One time's a delight,                                      
But eight in one night                                      
Comes under the heading of labor."                          
                                                            
20476 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Grand Prix Lim  692 G0777



A right horny lad from Cape May                             
Spent much of his life in the hay --                        
Not looking for needles                                     
Nor Japanese beetles --                                     
But fucking some girl every day.                            
                                                            
20477 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Armand E Singer       551



There was a young knight name of Pat,                       
Whose chilvalric exploits were fact.                        
With his lance in the air,                                  
He'd joust ladies fair,                                     
(Or for that matter, ladies fat).                           
                                                            
20478 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



Some women once had the audacity,                           
To impugn my erotic capacity.                               
I stilled all their doubts,                                 
With erotical bouts,                                        
And thus proved my colossal first-classity.                 
                                                            
20479 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Isaac Asimov             



There was a mad Russian named Boris                         
Who swore he would bore the whole chorus...                 
Sighed the last in the line,                                
"Well, right now he looks fine,                             
But there's forty-two hot tails before us!"                 
                                                            
20480 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Grand Prix Lim  345      



Said the black-bearded Raj of Johore                        
As he turned Miss Tuppeen from his door:                    
"I've just swived four wives,                               
And a nautch girl with hives--                              
No thanks, I can't use any more."                           
(nautch girl - Indian professional dancing girl)            
20481 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Grand Prix Lim  697 G0688



Oh, there are no virgins left in Foster Hall!               
I thought there were, but when I went to call,              
I found there was no chance                                 
That I'd not been in their pants,                           
For I personally had fucked one and all!                    
                                                            
20482 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           G1552



"My harem now has what it lacked",                          
The Sultan expansively cracked.                             
"There are bunk beds for all                                
Where the dears wait my call,                               
Since the women I ball, must be stacked.                    
                                                            
20483 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



Sylvester, a cad and a boor,                                
Had his wife; kissed her 'bye at the door.                  
Met his mistress at ten,                                    
At five hooker Gwen,                                        
He had scored a rare hat trick de jour.                     
                                                            
20484 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Frank                    



An ardent young lecher named Joel,                          
Found himself a most interesting goal:                      
To screw all the gals,                                      
Of each of his pals,                                        
From the day before New Years to Noel.                      
                                                            
20485 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Isaac Asimov             



A lecherous carpenter, Crowell,                             
Spent most of his nights on the prowl,                      
In drinking and flirting                                    
And often inserting                                         
The stick he kept calling his dowel.                        
                                                            
20486 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Armand E Singer       587



I just want to let you all know                             
That I'm going to be in a show                              
On Broadway in June,                                        
And in June by noon,                                        
And also in April, Mae, Flo.                                
                                                            
20487 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Travis brasell           



When she spread out her legs for young Gene,                
He rammed up the meat in between,                           
And she screamed in delight                                 
As he fucked her all night,                                 
But he claimed it was simply routine.                       
                                                            
20488 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Albin Chaplin            



A licentious old justice of Salem,                          
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.                 
But instead of a fine,                                      
He would stand them in line,                                
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.                     
                                                            
20489 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           L1056



There once was a man from Virginia,                         
Who committed sin after sin, yeah!                          
You could put up a fight                                    
From morning till night;                                    
'Twouldn't stop him from putting it in ya.                  
                                                            
20490 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



One evening, a Guru had coitus,                             
With an actress, a whore, and a poetess.                    
When asked what position,                                   
He used for coition,                                        
He answered serenely, "The Loetus".                         
                                                            
20491 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



Have you heard of the cocksman named Tulley                 
Who laid thirty gals in a gully?                            
Well, the first twenty-nine                                 
One and all said, "He's fine!"                              
But the last said, "He made it, but dully."                 
                                                            
20492 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Grand Prix Lim  217      



There was a young fellow named Grimes,                      
Who fucked his girl seventeen times                         
In the course of a week.                                    
And this isn't to speak,                                    
Of assorted venereal crimes.                                
                                                            
20493 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           L0306



Lew, the long-membered lecher of Lyme,                      
Is so weak he can't get off the dime...                     
He has been a sad sight                                     
Since he wed Nina Knight...                                 
Nine a night drains him dry all the time!                   
                                                            
20494 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Grand Prix Lim  138      



An old Arab who lived in Tashkent,                          
Harbored twenty fat wives in his tent.                      
He tried potions a plenty                                   
To run through the twenty,                                  
But he never made more than a dent.                         
                                                            
20495 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



No wakeup call, heretofore,                                 
Has caused me to want an encore.                            
This Japanese girl,                                         
Her tongue would uncurl.                                    
She said, "Prease don't sreep any more."                    
                                                            
20496 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Al Willis           T9712



"The next time," said Dan, "I intend TWO!                   
I'll get to her home before ten TO                          
The hour of nine                                            
And if she is mine,                                         
By ten to, intend to at ten, TOO!"                          
                                                            
20497 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Irving Superior     P8405



An oversexed fellow named Bode                              
Remarked as he shot his ninth load:                         
"Being sexually deft,                                       
I have one load still left,                                 
So spread, baby.--One for the road!"                        
                                                            
20498 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           G0532



She was on the floor by my seat;                            
When he then performed an amazing feat.                     
In less half of ten,                                        
He fucked once, then again,                                 
His name it was Five-Minute Pete!                           
                                                            
20499 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a young man, "I'm really delighted                     
To find that my love is requited                            
By all twenty-two                                           
Of the girls that I screw.                                  
Were there fewer, I'd feel myself slighted.                 
                                                            
20500 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Isaac Asimov        P9704



A virile young man of Touraine,                             
Had vesicles no one could drain.                            
With an unbroken flow,                                      
Thrice the course he would go,                              
Then roll over and start in again.                          
                                                            
20501 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           L0354



Said a horny young pirate name Tate,                        
"There are eight girls in port whom I date;                 
And I sure have a ball,                                     
Since I'm banging them all --                               
Tearing off all those pieces of eight!"                     
                                                            
20502 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



An ineverate boaster of Toaster,                            
Would brag that he'd coupled with most 'er                  
The ladies in town, from the Mayoress down                  
To the Maids at the 'Crown'.                                
That's hardly a great deal to boast 'er                     
In a place like Toaster.                                    
20503 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,                      
Discovered his sex life was hapless.                        
The more he would screw,                                    
The more he'd want to,                                      
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.               
                                                            
20504 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           L0068



Remember the night in Shanghai,                             
When we put down two gallons of rye,                        
And all eight of the ladies,                                
At Singapore Sadie's?                                       
How the days of our youth hurry by!                         
                                                            
20505 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       John Ciardi              



There once was a man named McNutt                           
Whose life was a terrible rut;                              
Excepting for sex,                                          
Which he made quite complex,                                
Screwing slut after slut after slut.                        
                                                            
20506 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Cap'n Bean          P9812



There was a young fellow from Dice,                         
Who remarked, "I think bigamy's nice.                       
Even two are a bore.                                        
I'd prefer three or four,                                   
For the plural of spouse, is 'spice'."                      
                                                            
20507 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Anon                P0212



A lacivious fellow named Rex                                
Needed physico-mental effects.                              
But even after he'd laid                                    
Every wife and old maid,                                    
He was still somewhat hung up on sex.                       
                                                            
20508 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           G2472



An ardent young fellow named Dutton,                        
Was simply a sexual glutton.                                
He would always make hay,                                   
Nine or ten times a day.                                    
And aside from all that, he did nuttin'.                    
                                                            
20509 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Isaac Asimov             



There once was a son-of-a-bitch,                            
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,                     
Yet the girls he would dazzle,                              
And fuck to a frazzle,                                      
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch.                    
                                                            
20510 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           L0008



An astonished young bride named LaFong,                     
Found her husband abnormally strong.                        
She knew about sex                                          
And its heady effects,                                      
But thought thirty-two times might be wrong.                
                                                            
20511 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           G0632



There was a young fellow named Bryce                        
Whose life was devoted to vice.                             
He shattered the morals                                     
Of thousands of gorrels,                                    
And never fucked anyone twice.                              
                                                            
20512 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                          G0062A



Cousin Cassie's long visits I dread,                        
For every night straight to my bed,                         
She trots, hot and bare,                                    
Where we knock off a pair...                                
After TEN WEEKS of that, Man, you're dead.                  
                                                            
20513 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Grand Prix Lim   63      



There's a hopeless young man of Starflecks                  
Who can never get enough sex.                               
When he isn't just diddling,                                
He twiddling or fiddling--                                  
He claims it's unconscious reflex.                          
                                                            
20514 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                           G2209



There was a young pilot from Bangor,                        
Who locked eighteen girls in his hangar,                    
Where he treated them wrong                                 
And kept them so long,                                      
The countryside rose up in anger.                           
                                                            
20515 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       John Ciardi              



A bashful man called on fair Gwen                           
Because he did feel such a yen.                             
Though it wan't his aim,                                    
He went when he came,                                       
So he asked if he could come again.                         
                                                            
20516 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE       Bill Backe-Hansen   P9702



There was a young fellow from Maine,                        
Who courted a girl all in vain.                             
She cussed when he kissed her,                              
So he slept with her sister,                                
Again and again and again.                                  
                                                            
20517 CONGRESS - SERIAL - MALE                                



Miss Debbie writes fiction romantic;                        
It's mostly 'ho-hum' and pedantic.                          
But nightly she dreams                                      
Up unseemlier themes,                                       
And indulges in friction quite frantic.                     
                                                            
20518 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Each night Peter creeps in and hovers                       
To watch her with fictitious lovers.                        
"She's a precious minx,"                                    
Say Peter, "Methinks                                        
I'll just take a look 'neath the covers."                   
                                                            
20519 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Ericka                   



So, that Peter, he takes a wee look                         
'Neath the covers of Miss Debbie's 'book'                   
And what does he spy?                                       
A dandy named Bri(an)                                       
Giving Debbie a bit of a fook.                              
                                                            
20520 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Brian Belge              



It's clear that Miss Debbie has poured                      
Her guts into writing a hoard                               
Of "How To" novellas,                                       
Pertaining to fellas,                                       
Who've nightly made her to feel bored.                      
                                                            
20521 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Travis Brasell           



She's been bored by each Tom, Dick, and Bill                
But no one could give Deb her fill,                         
'Til an infantry man                                        
Laid out this here plan:                                    
FALL IN, AND WE'LL GO THROUGH THE DRILL!                    
                                                            
20522 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Brian Belge              



The Army has screwed Deb quite hollow;                      
The Air Force and Navy will follow.                         
Now she is quite sore,                                      
But still wanting more,                                     
But alas, no one's left for tomorrow!                       
                                                            
20523 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Squat                    



There was a young lady from Spain,                          
Whose face was exceedingly plain.                           
But her cunt had a pucker                                   
That made the men fuck her,                                 
Again, and again, and again.                                
                                                            
20524 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                        L0237



Il y avait une madame de Lahore                             
Dont la figure n'etait la meillerure,                       
Mais la vagine tres forte,                                  
Toujours couverte la porte,                                 
Encore, et encore, et encore.                               
                                                            
20525 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                        L0238



De Hispanice puella verumque                                
Simplex oris verborumque                                    
Tulit potens vagina                                         
Hominum agmina                                              
Iterum iterum iterumque.                                    
                                                            
20526 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                        L0239



At twenty it seemed alright,                                
To do "it" ten times in a night.                            
I haven't been celibate                                     
Just for the hell of it.                                    
I was just being polite.                                    
                                                            
20527 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



I thought to give others a chance,                          
To try those best at the dance.                             
I got out of the habit                                      
Of being a rabbit,                                          
And now I am stuck in my pants.                             
                                                            
20528 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



There is an old maid named Magruder,                        
Nightly screwed by a Midnight Intruder.                     
In a state of euphoria                                      
In the town of Emporia,                                     
Each night she gets nuder and screweder.                    
                                                            
20529 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                        G1006



Till one night this old maid named Magruder                 
Remarked to her Midnight Intruder:                          
"I must turn on the light                                   
To make sure you aim right--                                
The last time you went up my tooter!"                       
                                                            
20530 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                        G1007



A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie,                         
(Yes, this is that type of story.)                          
She did it with Joe,                                        
And Larry and Moe,                                          
And Curly and Howard and Morrie.                            
                                                            
20531 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry,             
And Lonny and Horace and Boris and Barry,                   
And Donald and Gerald,                                      
And Ronald and Harold,                                      
And Tommy and Dicky and Harry.                              
                                                            
20532 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



And Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd,                      
And Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod,                     
And Brucie and Mark,                                        
And Bobby and Clark,                                        
And she still isn't finished!  My God!                      
                                                            
20533 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken,                      
And Dewey and Lewis, then David again,                      
And Willy and Ben,                                          
And David again,                                            
And again and again and again.                              
                                                            
20534 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred,                      
And Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned,                   
And Harvey and Len,                                         
(Then David again)                                          
And -- hold on a second -- she's dead!                      
                                                            
20535 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



I met a young lady named Sally,                             
Who was naughty with me in an alley.                        
Her touch was lubricious,                                   
The feelings, delicious,                                    
And five times was our ultimate tally.                      
                                                            
20536 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



Five times is a really good score,                          
And surely you could have done more;                        
It took five weeks hard labour.                             
Just do me a favor;                                         
Stop complaining your prick is so sore!                     
                                                            
20537 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



The lady in room 101,                                       
In bed was not having much fun.                             
She was just getting started                                
When lover boy farted,                                      
And ten seconds later was done.                             
                                                            
20538 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The fellow in room 102                                      
Assumed that the lady would screw.                          
She said, "NO"; he was pissed                               
At the screwing he missed,                                  
Until he found out that she blew.                           
                                                            
20539 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The couple in room 103                                      
Was having fun sexually.                                    
Her husband's in Orleans;                                   
His wife's up in Queens;                                    
They're happy with matrimony.                               
                                                            
20540 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The youngsters in room 104                                  
Had not done the nasty before.                              
But they caught on real quick;                              
Found a popsicle stick,                                     
And cut notches on it to keep score.                        
                                                            
20541 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



Said the liar in room 105,                                  
"On my pecker it's only a hive."                            
But he couldn't bang her;                                   
She said,"It's a chancre,                                   
And don't give me more of your jive."                       
                                                            
20542 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The couple in room 106                                      
Are performing some sexual tricks.                          
They're having great fun,                                   
'Cause it's easily done                                     
With two ass holes, four balls and two dicks.               
                                                            
20543 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The couple in room 107                                      
Consisted of Beth and of Kevin.                             
He screwed her to death,                                    
But don't pity Beth;                                        
She smiled all the way up to heaven.                        
                                                            
20544 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



Said the fellow in room 108,                                
"I'm not one who likes to berate                            
But how flat you are,                                       
With huge pads in your bra."                                
She said, "I just use them for bait."                       
                                                            
20545 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The couple in room 201                                      
Were undressing -- preparing for fun.                       
He chuckled for days                                        
When he thought of the phrase,                              
"Turn me over" tattoed on her bun.                          
                                                            
20546 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The couple in room 203,                                     
To do as they wish, are quite free.                         
Don't know what they were doing,                            
But they sure weren't screwing,                             
When his head was bumped hard by her knee.                  
                                                            
20547 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The fellow in room 204                                      
Checked in with a twenty buck whore.                        
Her price was quite low                                     
But he didn't know,                                         
For him penicillin's in store.                              
                                                            
20548 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



Oh, my Sweet Thing at times humors me;                      
With her dainty bare feet I'll make free;                   
While I lick on her toes,                                   
She might strike the right pose;                            
What I'll see then, beats prime-time T.V.                   
                                                            
20549 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



And after you've had your good fun                          
With toeses and poses that stun,                            
Like season finales                                         
She'll make many rallies                                    
With more 'til you say, "A rerun!"                          
                                                            
20550 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



She uniquely invites a re-run;                              
As her ring-a-dang-doo calls for fun;                       
Every  time it does  wink,                                  
I will ravish this mink,                                    
'Til at last I can't re-load my gun!                        
                                                            
20551 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Hugh Clary               



Now list' to this tale of Old Pete,                         
Who was known for the size of his meat.                     
And in grandiose halls,                                     
They'd talk of his balls,                                   
And the foreskin that hung to his feet.                     
                                                            
20552 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES    Dirruk                   



Now ever since the day he was born,                         
His cock it stood up on the horn.                           
And it didn't come down,                                    
As he screwed round the town,                               
And many a pussy he'd torn.                                 
                                                            
20553 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



But one fateful night in September,                         
At a party that all shall remember,                         
A handful of girls                                          
Flashed him their curls,                                    
And vowed to soften his member.                             
                                                            
20554 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



Now first up was Sally O'Harts,                             
Who was new at these types of love art.                     
As she took it, she grinned,                                
But did put the wind                                        
Up the rest of the gaggle of tarts.                         
                                                            
20555 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



Now Pete he had no time to spare,                           
So he jumped on raven-haired Claire,                        
And he thust with the force,                                
Of a fifteen hand horse,                                    
And it singed most of her curly hair.                       
                                                            
20556 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



Now Tina stepped forward a pace,                            
With a calm genteel look on her face.                       
She said: "It's quite long,                                 
And undoubtedly strong,                                     
But you don't seem to use it with grace."                   
                                                            
20557 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



Her tone had stung him like leather,                        
But she still slapped his face for good measure.            
And to avenge this affront                                  
He thrust to her cunt,                                      
And she just closed her eyes with the pleasure!             
                                                            
20558 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



"I'll show you a trick now," said Tina,                     
And the drip from her sweet cunt grew keener.               
With a sqeeze of her thigh,                                 
She sucked him quite dry,                                   
With the ease of an old vacuum cleaner.                     
                                                            
20559 CONGRESS - SERIAL - ZSERIES                             



An old libertine named DeVries,                             
Making love in his red BVD's,                               
Cried aloud, "Drat the luck,                                
We are permanently stuck."                                  
And was hung as a Byzantine frieze.                         
                                                            
20560 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



A passionate girl had a clasp,                              
Which was rough with sharp points like a rasp.              
A beau would dig in,                                        
And feel the stick pin,                                     
And be unable to free his poor hasp.                        
                                                            
20561 CONGRESS - STUCK               Bruce Thompson           



There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock,              
Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock.                   
But her cunt's got a pucker                                 
That's best not to fuck, or                                 
When least you expect it to, it'll lock.                    
                                                            
20562 CONGRESS - STUCK                                   L0232



The hospital phoned about Ted.                              
Was he horribly mangled and dead                            
In an accident? No;                                         
He was clamped inside Flo,                                  
"Inextricably stuck", so they said.                         
                                                            
20563 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



There was a old fellow from Rome                            
Who diddled a girl with his dome.                           
The results were most horrid:                               
The girl grew quite torrid,                                 
And he could not withdraw to go home.                       
                                                            
20564 CONGRESS - STUCK                                   G2476



I bet it would just be my luck                              
To plunge in too deep and get stuck,                        
As  surgeons  would  say:                                   
"It's just not your day!                                    
Stand by for a swift nip and tuck."                         
                                                            
20565 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



I made love to my girlfriend Nelly;                         
We spent the night belly to belly.                          
It's not what you think;                                    
She raised a big stink;                                     
I mistook Fixodent for Lubricant Jelly.                     
                                                            
20566 CONGRESS - STUCK               Puff Adder               



Through cupid's grove I want to romp,                       
But not with circumstance and pomp.                         
I want to be flirty                                         
And just a bit dirty.                                       
I want to get stuck in love's swamp.                        
                                                            
20567 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



With water and flour she made paste                         
Which she spread on my dick in some haste.                  
She started to suck,                                        
But got totally stuck,                                      
And my knees became glued to her waist.                     
                                                            
20568 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



I tried turpentine and then water,                          
But it didn't dissolve like it oughter.                     
So I tried alcohol                                          
Which did no good at all,                                   
Except to get both of us hotter.                            
                                                            
20569 CONGRESS - STUCK               Laurence E Bernstein     



A lady she went hell for leather;                           
Onlookers looked on, wondering whether,                     
The way that she crouched,                                  
While being debauched,                                      
Proved her knees and elbows glued together.                 
                                                            
20570 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



A Great Dane met a young girl on Sunday;                    
They made passionate love in her Hyundai.                   
But his knot swelled so tight,                              
They were stuck the whole night,                            
And were freed by machanics on Monday.                      
                                                            
20571 CONGRESS - STUCK               Actaeon                  



She was wrong! A young fucker named Ray                     
When told, "Now you'll just have to pay                     
Out some more dough,                                        
Before you can go,"                                         
Replied, "No thanks. I think I'll just stay."               
                                                            
20572 CONGRESS - STUCK               Michael Weinstein   P8609



This morning is so bright and sunny!                        
(But I'm afraid, my wicked wee bunny,                       
We can't move a muscle.                                     
We can't even rustle                                        
'Cause we're stuck together with honey.                     
                                                            
20573 CONGRESS - STUCK               Jim Weaver Collection    



We have to face the bare facts.                             
We're glued together (to the max)                           
I'm stuck to your dick.                                     
If I move too quick,                                        
I'll give you a bikini wax.                                 
                                                            
20574 CONGRESS - STUCK               Jim Weaver Collection    



I found Kelly, the consumate lover,                         
Stuck fast to his wife, just above her.                     
It took all of my might                                     
To detatch them that night,                                 
And it took him a year to recover.                          
                                                            
20575 CONGRESS - STUCK               A. N. Wilkins       P8507



A perverted young husband named Bligh                       
Tried to bugger his wife on the sly.                        
In his lecherous haste,                                     
He used library paste,                                      
And now they are bound, hip and thigh.                      
                                                            
20576 CONGRESS - STUCK               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from the Isthmus,                     
Whose bride had acute vaginismus.                           
They found themselves stuck                                 
On the very first fuck,                                     
And had to stay that way 'til Christmas.                    
                                                            
20577 CONGRESS - STUCK                                   G2027



Now this lim is not meant to be funny;                      
I need you to send me some money;                           
Today I must pay                                            
A tow-guy named Ray                                         
To pull my dong out of a cunny.                             
                                                            
20578 CONGRESS - STUCK               Travis Brasell           



The tow-guy's in bed with his daughter;                     
So he's busy.  He says you just oughter                     
Terminate that hump;                                        
Just have someone dump                                      
A big bucket, old pal, of cold water!                       
                                                            
20579 CONGRESS - STUCK               Allen Wolverton          



Bullfighter and girlfriend (named May)                      
Got stuck en flagrante one day.                             
I heard her say, "Why                                       
Did you use K-Y?                                            
I told you - get Oil of Ole!"                               
                                                            
20580 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



The two of them, dreadfully distraught!                     
In flagrante delicto were caught.                           
Jammed belly-to-belly                                       
Without K-Y Jelly                                           
Which they ought to with foresight have bought.             
                                                            
20581 CONGRESS - STUCK               TuttaGioia               



A punter while punting at Crewe                             
Found she was a real sticky screw.                          
While she was well todged,                                  
The punter was lodged,                                      
So he paid to get out of it, too.                           
                                                            
20582 CONGRESS - STUCK               Confused                 



They've Stronghold Teat Sealant for sale;                   
The flyer I got in the mail.                                
Had pictures and stuff                                      
Of cows in the buff.                                        
At purple teats they did not quail.                         
                                                            
20583 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



That Stronghold Teat Sealant has got                        
Certain properties that I think hot.                        
Applied to my dick,                                         
Makes that sucker stick.                                    
I tried pulling out - I could not.                          
                                                            
20584 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



To keep from banging side to side,                          
Instead of this goo, have you tried                         
Turning her with a flip;                                    
It will tighten the grip,                                   
And give you a fucking good ride!                           
                                                            
20585 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



I don't flip the complete 180,                              
Just 90 degrees with my lady.                               
Then with both on our side                                  
For a leisurely ride,                                       
Without thought of who is more weighty.                     
                                                            
20586 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



Oh, never in all of her life                                
Had Belinda such trouble and strife.                        
As when Tommy got stuck                                     
In her having a fuck;                                       
So she cut off his dick with a knife.                       
                                                            
20587 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



A maiden with heavenly busts                                
Parried a married man's thrusts.                            
They finally did fuck,                                      
But the goddamned thing stuck;                              
Said she, "It says there till it rusts."                    
                                                            
20588 CONGRESS - STUCK                                   G1995



An eighty year hooker named Claire,                         
Would often do tricks in mid-air.                           
One night she got stuck                                     
On a fellow named Chuck,                                    
And now they're a permanent pair.                           
                                                            
20589 CONGRESS - STUCK               Jim Weaver Collection    



A newlywed couple named Hooper                              
Had fucked themselves into a stupor.                        
Some joker named Kelly                                      
Put glue in their jelly                                     
But the glue that he added was Super.                       
                                                            
20590 CONGRESS - STUCK               Albin Chaplin   3024-0198



In July, when it's humid and sticky,                        
And you're deep in the midst of a quickie,                  
If a fan's not about,                                       
And the A.C. is out,                                        
Your attempts to stay cool can be tricky.                   
                                                            
20591 CONGRESS - STUCK               Cap'n Bean          P0207



If in Cupid's swamp you are stuck,                          
You should hope a guy with a truck                          
Will come pull you out,                                     
Because I've no doubt                                       
You would soon be covered in muck.                          
                                                            
20592 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



A sex-crazy pair from Peru,                                 
In bed didn't know what to do.                              
They started to test                                        
What they'd like to do best,                                
Now they're stuck to each other with glue!                  
                                                            
20593 CONGRESS - STUCK               Lims For Year - 01       



A passionate couple named Kelly                             
Mistook glue for petrolleum jelly.                          
From kissing and hugging,                                   
To twisting and tugging,                                    
But still they stayed belly to belly.                       
                                                            
20594 CONGRESS - STUCK               Jack Bryant              



This clamping is called vaginismus,                         
And the man to release his penis must                       
Put a thumb up her ass,                                     
Then his dick she'll unclasp,                               
Though the state of his thumb causes his cuss.              
                                                            
20595 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



A virgin? Oh wow! I'm in luck!                              
"I'll be gentle," I said, "'fore I fuck."                   
So I gave her a pet                                         
And made sure she was wet                                   
'Fore I screwed her; but Hell, I got stuck.                 
                                                            
20596 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



Her cunny was gripping me tight                             
And at first I felt heaven's delight.                       
But her muscles in spasm                                    
Prevented orgasm,                                           
And soon I was having to fight...                           
                                                            
20597 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



...As I heaved and I pulled, but no go;                     
So I tried to relax her real slow.                          
But she wouldn't! (I shouldn't                              
Have said that) She couldn't!                               
She wasn't a hoary old pro.                                 
                                                            
20598 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



So we bounced to the end of the bed,                        
Where I picked up the telephone; said,                      
"Will you help us? We're stuck                              
In the throes of a fuck."                                   
And the doctor just laughed off his head.                   
                                                            
20599 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



I was desperate now. What to do?                            
Although limper I failed to unscrew.                        
I could see she was trying                                  
To stop herself crying,                                     
Which got me excited, it's true.                            
                                                            
20600 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



Now I really was stuck in her rut,                          
So I grabbed her and lifted her butt,                       
For a front piggy-back                                      
To the door, but alack,                                     
And alas, like her cunt, it was shut.                       
                                                            
20601 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



As I stood there inside her, I thought                      
"Well I think a shower of cold wat-                         
er we need to unlock                                        
Us -- I hope that the shock                                 
Will relax her; it bloody well ought!"                      
                                                            
20602 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



To her bathroom we shuffled our way,                        
But it seemed like it took us all day;                      
As we climbed in the shower                                 
Which I turned on full power                                
And precisely directed the spray.                           
                                                            
20603 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



Oh my God! Was it cold? It was freezing!                    
She gave a small shriek. It was pleasing                    
To feel that the grip                                       
Of her lips on my tip                                       
Was relaxing, not strangling and squeezing.                 
                                                            
20604 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



I fell out with an audible "POP";                           
My poor thing was quite sore at the top;                    
But she cried in distress                                   
And then shouted, "Possess                                  
Me again! Why the hell did you stop?"                       
                                                            
20605 CONGRESS - STUCK               Peter Wilkins            



I aimed for her clenching wet gap,                          
Then I thrust and her muscles went snap.                    
"Impregnate me", she cried,                                 
As I desperately tried                                      
To withdraw without spilling my sap.                        
                                                            
20606 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



"I don't want to father your child",                        
I said firmly, at which she just smiled;                    
And then started to ripple                                  
Her muscles from nipple                                     
To pussy, which had me beguiled.                            
                                                            
20607 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



Quick thinking as ever, I lied,                             
And I told her, "I'm under-supplied                         
With the stuff that you need                                
To make babies and breed                                    
For I'm snipped and my tubes have been tied."               
                                                            
20608 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



Did this, you may ask, do the trick?                        
No, it fucking well didn't; my dick                         
(On account of her clench)                                  
Shot it's load up that wench                                
And she cried and said, "Marry me quick!"                   
                                                            
20609 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



"I bloody well won't!"  "Yes, you will;                     
'Cause my brothers Roberto and Bill                         
Will be after you, mate                                     
With a shotgun!" (Oh, great;                                
What a price to have paid for a thrill.)                    
                                                            
20610 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



So now we are married, you know,                            
And, by god, has she let herself go.                        
She does fuck all each day                                  
While I'm slaving away;                                     
When I ask her for sex she says, "No!"                      
                                                            
20611 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



So lads, heed the warning I plead;                          
If you're thinking of doing the deed,                       
Use a rubber or two,                                        
And then after you're through                               
With her, leave her at maximum speed.                       
                                                            
20612 CONGRESS - STUCK                                        



Forget that lame Sutra from Kama;                           
My Sutra is from Alabama.                                   
It's loaded with pics                                       
Of contortionist dicks,                                     
In twelve hundred positions with mama.                      
                                                            
20613 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



Now Confucius; I guess he would say                         
If you don't have it off every day                          
Then your nuts and your dick                                
Will die off pretty quick                                   
And will wither entirely away.                              
                                                            
20614 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



A young fellow about to be wed                              
Took a course of six lessons on "Bed."                      
When shown how to do it,                                    
He said, "Nothing to it!                                    
I could do that all night on my head."                      
                                                            
20615 CONGRESS - TEACHING                               G0225A



Dr. Reuben explained sex to me.                             
My eyes opened wide as could be.                            
So my fly I unzipped                                        
And my peter I gripped                                      
And I called it a dumb SOB.                                 
                                                            
20616 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Al Chaplin          P9410



Quoth some men, "Hey you horney gals, train us!             
We'd love to go off in your anus.                           
But douche, s'il vous plait,                                
If you want to get laid.                                    
After all, what's inside you can stain us."                 
                                                            
20617 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Actaeon                  



That despicable Molly McGrew,                               
Taught young innocent boys how to screw.                    
She gave them directions                                    
And praised their erections,                                
Before any pubic hair grew.                                 
                                                            
20618 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Phred                    



In sex education, Miss West                                 
Said, "Johnny, your work has regressed.                     
But since learning's a tool.                                
If you stay after school,                                   
I will help you bone up for your test."                     
                                                            
20619 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



There was a young lady named Roma,                          
Who went to high school in Tacoma.                          
She said she was invincible                                 
But was had by the principal,                               
And for this she received a diploma.                        
                                                            
20620 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin            



A cookery student named Kate                                
Mixed ginseng and prunes by mistake.                        
She felt rather proud                                       
When her teacher allowed                                    
"This makes coming and going just great!"                   
                                                            
20621 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Macsam                   



There's a question designed to perplex:                     
Would canines (say Rover or Rex)                            
After years of eschewing                                    
Instinctive screwing,                                       
Be experts at human-style sex?                              
(why not, priests consider themselves experts- McW)         
20622 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Friar              TP9802



He taught her quite all that she knew                       
Of gender, declension, and view,                            
Of nouns and their functions,                               
Or verbs and conjunctions,                                  
And with each of the parts what to do.                      
                                                            
20623 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Larry Payne         P8311



A sad, childless couple named Kelly,                        
Kama Sutra inspired went to Delhi,                          
After eighty-four ways,                                     
He came home, eyes a-glaze,                                 
And she with a prize in her belly.                          
                                                            
20624 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



Said a rakish old father of Tucson                          
To his boy, "This is what you should do, son --             
When you're ready and hot,                                  
Shove it home on the spot,                                  
And you're sure to enjoy quite a few, son."                 
                                                            
20625 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Hugh Oliver         A016A



Those feminine curves are voluptuous;                       
Slyly designed to corruptuous.                              
All of that wenchingly,                                     
Drenchingly, clenchingly,                                   
Suction and fuction's eruptuous.                            
                                                            
20626 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



There once was a man from Hong Kong,                        
Who had a nice seven inch dong.                             
He took evening classes                                     
In how to screw lasses,                                     
When he found he was doing it wrong.                        
                                                            
20627 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Anon                     



A pedantic old teacher, Miss Brown,                         
Brought class to the young lads in town.                    
She taught Pierre to aspire                                 
To seek things that were higher,                            
But Pierre, he did fail and went down.                      
                                                            
20628 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-1247



The noted Professor Herr Ewing                              
Gave coeds free lessons in screwing.                        
"It's amazing," he said,                                    
"When they're stripped and in bed,                          
How so few of them know what they're doing."                
                                                            
20629 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0131



We have standardized testing to thank                       
For the gaffe of a student named Hank:                      
When he bedded with Joyce,                                  
She gave multiple choice,                                   
But he doggedly filled in the ______.                       
                                                            
20630 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Krissa Guiness      P8311



What!  Sex education in schools!                            
And tell kids the risks and the rules?                      
Who will want, without doubt,                               
Themselves to find out,                                     
What makes of their elders, such fools.                     
                                                            
20631 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Laurence Perrine    P9409



My clitoris, Boris! My clit!                                
Suck on my clitty, you shit!                                
It's the clitoris, Boris;                                   
All the rest kinda bore us.                                 
My clitoris first, then my tit!                             
                                                            
20632 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



I'd say we owe the French a debt of                         
Gratitude, for their lessons in love --                     
Like pleasures to be wrung                                  
From the use of the tongue,                                 
And all the variations thereof!                             
                                                            
20633 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



Marissa once thought sex a chore,                           
Silly, abusive, and a bore,                                 
Until she met Percy,                                        
Who gave her no mercy,                                      
And now it's "Give me more, give me more!"                  
                                                            
20634 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Wes                      



The natural pelvic attraction                               
Strongly urges vaginal impaction.                           
Now pelvic rotation                                         
Increasing elation;                                         
There you go boy, now you're in action!                     
                                                            
20635 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



While out for a walk, Miss McKesson                         
Encountered a fellow in Essen.                              
She was fucked in the park                                  
But he lacked drive or spark,                               
So she made him stop for a lesson.                          
                                                            
20636 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0265



A school Sex-Ed teacher has said                            
Her students are bright and well read;                      
They never will shirk                                       
When it comes to hard work,                                 
And even do homework in bed.                                
                                                            
20637 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Evelyn Bogen        P9409



From that book I learned all about sex                      
As a boy, but my parents were vexed.                        
So I said when they saw it,                                 
"It's really a bore, it                                     
Is a plain horticultural text."                             
                                                            
20638 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



There was a professor named Borum                           
Who taught all the lads with decorum,                       
How young girls to exploit                                  
With the movement adroit,                                   
And how best to make love and explore 'em.                  
                                                            
20639 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-1960



A hapless young coed named Slade                            
In a sex course could not get a grade.                      
Her prof heard her confession,                              
That she'd fail her profession,                             
So he showed her how she should be made.                    
                                                            
20640 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0333



I owe much my my course in micrology,                       
And more to my course in psychology,                        
But ther most informational                                 
Was a coeducational                                         
Course in organic biology.                                  
                                                            
20641 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Larry Payne         P8311



There was a young lady named Hoover                         
Who knew not the bedroom maneuver.                          
But Professor McBride,                                      
Who in teaching took pride,                                 
Gave his wholehearted time to improve her.                  
                                                            
20642 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0199



I teach nubile cuties coition:                              
I charge not a dime for tuition:                            
I teach 'em the ways                                        
In which a prick plays,                                     
And I fuck 'em in any position.                             
                                                            
20643 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                G2298



His quivering thighs will be flanking                       
This cane, you are hell-bent on yanking.                    
Why, you shameless swat!!                                   
Indulging that Twat <the teacher>                           
And all just to save you a spanking?                        
                                                            
20644 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



I would sooner be coming than going,                        
'Cause that seed, I sure do like sowing.                    
And fluffy my sweet,                                        
It's all rather neat,                                       
What happens when this thing get's growing.                 
                                                            
20645 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



The strange looking girl from Manassus                      
Had three vulva, four tits and two asses.                   
She sure looked like hell                                   
But she did her job well,                                   
As a sex teacher of Joy Of Sex classes.                     
                                                            
20646 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Ken Elrod           P8209



A lad from the town of Dubuque,                             
Was nothing much at which to look.                          
He said, "Would it suit ya                                  
To try Kama Sutra?"                                         
And proceeded to go by the book.                            
                                                            
20647 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Evelyn L                 



Kama Sutra, that book of renown;                            
Illustrated, it causes a frown.                             
Those impossible pics                                       
Showing pussies and dicks,                                  
Look no better when turned upside-down.                     
                                                            
20648 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



I'd like to try to refute 'cha                              
Or even to haul off and boot 'cha.                          
I searched some sites medical                               
And found nothing credible                                  
'Bout using them commas as sutures!                         
(Kama Sutra?)                                               
20649 CONGRESS - TEACHING            C Anton                  



Our nation's top sex-perts endorse                          
Our ways of enhancing love's force.                         
First, a course in caressing;                               
Next, one in undressing;                                    
Then for climax, our great inter-course.                    
                                                            
20650 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Laurence Perrine    P9409



Today's teachers in high school concede                     
That sex manuals meet a real need.                          
They give students incentive                                
For becoming attentive                                      
And for finally learning to read.                           
                                                            
20651 CONGRESS - TEACHING            A. N. Wilkins       P9109



It's never too late to begin                                
To practice a new type of sin:                              
All you need is a tutor,                                    
To make you a suitor,                                       
Who makes love like the late Errol Flynn.                   
                                                            
20652 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Norm Storer         P0012



The noted psychologist Glass                                
Taught sex to an overflow class.                            
His unique point of view                                    
Raised an eyebrow or two:                                   
'Love begins with a good piece of ass.'                     
                                                            
20653 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Phil Cannibal       P9201



My wife, reading her old high school annual,                
Revealed she'd learned sex from a manual.                   
I was greatly impressed                                     
Until she confessed                                         
The school janitor's name was Emanuel.                      
                                                            
20654 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Martin Wellborn     P9109



My wife said she'd learned sex from a manual,               
Feats diurnal, dracontic, and annual.                       
I was truly amazed                                          
And she, heartily praised...                                
Till I met our new gardener named Manuel.                   
                                                            
20655 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Martin Wellborn     P9108



When couples with bedroom disasters                         
Seek help from their modern-day pastors,                    
They don't ask for prayer                                   
Or spiritual care,                                          
But referral to Johnson and Masters.                        
                                                            
20656 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Norm Storer              



I need inspirational notions                                
To write about frictional motions,                          
Including the crude                                         
And explicitly rude,                                        
Which cause major in-trouser commotions.                    
                                                            
20657 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



How sad that the young generation                           
In spite of some sex education,                             
Quite often go wrong                                        
When using a dong,                                          
Because they just lack concentration.                       
                                                            
20658 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



Said a French maiden, "Je suis trop tendre                  
Viv-a-vis with the opposite genre:                          
But some day mayhap                                         
I will find a nice chap                                     
Who'll instruct me in double-entendre."                     
                                                            
20659 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Conrad Aiken             



You surely don't think you're the first,                    
To diddle that girl with your wurst.                        
But carry on leching,                                       
She needs far more stretching...                            
If I ram her now she will burst.                            
                                                            
20660 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



A learned old lady was Hicks                                
Who knew how with old men to mix.                           
She dated young Steve                                       
Who was somewhat naive,                                     
And she taught a new dog some old tricks.                   
                                                            
20661 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0192



A psychiatrist out at Purdue                                
Studied all the psychotics he knew.                         
When asked why, he replied,                                 
"You see, it's a guide                                      
To new sexual things I might do."                           
                                                            
20662 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Isaac Asimov             



An expert old lady named Dickinson                          
Said, "Here is where you put your prick in, son.            
Now do not drool and dribble,                               
You must give these a nibble,                               
And get an occasional lick in, son."                        
                                                            
20663 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0110



Said a dullard of old San Francisco,                        
"I can't figure it out -- where does this go?"              
"Well," she said "I've a space                              
But be sure, when in place,                                 
Let the other, instead of the piss go."                     
                                                            
20664 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Keith MacMillan     A023C



A sexy young teacher, Louise                                
Taught boys to speak fluent Chinese;                        
They would study all day,                                   
For she'd give them a lay                                   
If their grades would stay higher than B's.                 
                                                            
20665 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Cap'n Bean          P9911



Today's bit of local hot news                               
Concerns the schoolteacher, Miss Hughes.                    
In a burst of imprudence                                    
She laid horny male students--                              
She's now kept for the Dean's private use.                  
                                                            
20666 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                G0151



The professor of sex named MacDoak                          
To young ladies, on oral sex spoke.                         
His graphic description                                     
Gave them fits of conniption;                               
To a man they all reached for a smoke.                      
(conniption - fit of rage, tantrum)                         
20667 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Al Chaplin          P9411



The previous boyfriends are they                            
Who taught my young lady to lay.                            
Whoever you are,                                            
I say to you, "Ah,"                                         
At evey orgasmic delay.                                     
                                                            
20668 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Irving Superior     P9311



There once was a young girl from Wick,                      
Who asked her mother, "What's a dick?"                      
She said, "My dear Annie,                                   
It goes up your fanny,                                      
And jumps up and down till its sick."                       
                                                            
20669 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Kev Edmunds              



Ladies, teach your tongue romance!                          
Your fellatio skills t'will enhance!                        
Live by this look,                                          
Or at least take a look,                                    
It is Rod Lather's "Penis At A Glans".                      
                                                            
20670 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



Reading as foreplay customary,                              
The Polish Sex Guide was for Carrie,                        
Full chapter and verse!                                     
However, it's terse --                                      
"In, Out! Repeat as necessary!"                             
                                                            
20671 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Gunjan                   



The Polish Sex Manual is neat;                              
To print it takes only one sheet.                           
The test, though eclectic,                                  
The Poles still find hectic:                                
"Put it in - pull it out - then repeat."                    
                                                            
20672 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Martin Wellborn     P9409



They've a fine school at Texas State Teachers:              
Fucking classes are one of the features.                    
Go to lab if you're lonely,                                 
And learn--there's not only                                 
No charge, but they've put up new bleachers.                
                                                            
20673 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                G2529



A young lady who taught at Devizes,                         
Was had up at the local assizes,                            
For teaching young boys                                     
Matrimonial joys,                                           
And giving French letters as prizes.                        
(Assizes - local judicial court)                            
20674 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                L0828



There's one rule important in Hokum --                      
Whether big breasts or small ones, you stroke'm.            
Rule two, too, to abide --                                  
Be they roomy or tight,                                     
If they look like a clam, then you poke'm.                  
                                                            
20675 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



There was an old lady of Corning                            
Gave her impatient daughter a warning:                      
"What's in bed's a delight                                  
The first part of the night,                                
You'll look on with scorn in the morning."                  
                                                            
20676 CONGRESS - TEACHING            John T. Coultard216 P8504



An innocent couple, perplexed,                              
Asked, "Now that we're married, what next?"                 
Lent a book by clinicians                                   
Called Sixty Positions,                                     
They decided, "It's all too complex!"                       
                                                            
20677 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Lawrence Perrine         



A student of Sex Ed. you thought?                           
The lessons did not go for naught.                          
You'll sure reach your peak                                 
'Cause of my technique;                                     
'Twas sex education I taught.                               
                                                            
20678 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



From Ovid to Lucky Pierre                                   
The manuals on love had one care--                          
Persuading your Bess                                        
Or Jane to say yes.                                         
They supposed you could take it from there.                 
                                                            
20679 CONGRESS - TEACHING            A. N. Wilkins       P9108



Sex manuals should titillate.                               
So, if your not feeling too great,                          
You'll find leafing through                                 
The chapter, "How To...",                                   
Your spirits will soon elevate.                             
                                                            
20680 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Irving Superior     P9108



Have you aphrodisiacal mania?                               
Then hightail it to Rumdum, Romania.                        
Where a Gypsy in rut                                        
Will, for weeks in her hut,                                 
Instruct you in sex miscellania!                            
                                                            
20681 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                G0658



Imagine the shouts of elation                               
Resounding across this vast nation,                         
If to parents delight                                       
Bee and birdies would write                                 
A primer on Sex Education.                                  
                                                            
20682 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Evelyn Bogen        P9406



All the girls take the shop class at school,                
Then they bask in the sun by the pool,                      
Where they soak up the rays                                 
And they talk of the ways,                                  
Their shop teeacher is good with his tool.                  
                                                            
20683 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Allen Wolverton          



Teaching sex ed? That is cool!                              
Do you ever hold summerschool?                              
I know how to suck,                                         
But failed subject fuck,                                    
'Cause my teacher did not have the tool.                    
                                                            
20684 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm south of Duluth in Des Moines                           
And I've built a school all can join,                       
So gals who seek knowledge                                  
Should come to my college,                                  
And spread their horizons to loin.                          
                                                            
20685 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



I read to relax in my bed.                                  
So what is this good book you've read?                      
Suppose I should start                                      
The underlined part,                                        
Would I wind up stroking my head?                           
                                                            
20686 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an asexual bigot                                  
Whose cock only served as a spigot.                         
'Till a jolly young whore,                                  
Taught him tricks by the score,                             
Now his greatest delight is to frig it.                     
                                                            
20687 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                L1244



A lady of learning named Roma                               
Learned much while at school in Tacoma.                     
Her instructor had sucked her,                              
Her principal fucked her,                                   
For a Summa Cum Laude diploma.                              
                                                            
20688 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0874



I'm even willing to stay after class,                       
To make doubly sure I can pass                              
All the tests required,                                     
(Without getting tired)                                     
For the proper use of my ass.                               
                                                            
20689 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



It's got to be every boy's dream,                           
Who cares if the teacher was mean.                          
Bend her over a counter,                                    
That's how I'd mount her;                                   
Get an "A" from the way her eyes gleam.                     
                                                            
20690 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a girl who was laid 'neath the pines,                  
"You give a great fuck, Mr. Hines."                         
He replied, "At the zoo                                     
I learned how to screw                                      
By throwing the meat to the lions."                         
                                                            
20691 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Al Chaplin 3024     P8812



In the circus a lady named Gaynor                           
Was screwed by an animal trainer.                           
But a sheik named Amir                                      
Found her sex life so queer,                                
That he spent a whole year to retrain her.                  
                                                            
20692 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0165



No fervent respect have I known                             
For a dog who'd do tricks for a bone.                       
But a few clever bitches                                    
Who've been in my britches,                                 
Have shown me some tricks of their own.                     
                                                            
20693 CONGRESS - TEACHING            John Miller 0166         



Some may think that I'm sleazy.                             
Or maybe a little bit easy.                                 
If you don't explore,                                       
Your man's out the door,                                    
And you're left alone in the breezy.                        
                                                            
20694 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



Oh honey, you're lovely, you're cute, your                  
Young body's divine with the suture.                        
I'll screw you real nice,                                   
But twice?  My advice:                                      
Past performance - no guide to the future.                  
                                                            
20695 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



Sex education in schools                                    
Occasions occasional drools,                                
That start at the mouth                                     
Then peter down south,                                      
Emerging in up-coming tools.                                
                                                            
20696 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Irving Superior     P9409



While out in the woods after holly,                         
I heard someone sing, "Hello Dolly!"                        
It was good old sweet Sue                                   
Who said, "How do you do?"                                  
So I showed her by using my brolly.                         
                                                            
20697 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Bill Wall                



Formal education will yield                                 
Only knowledge precise and congealed.                       
I gained carnal knowledge,                                  
Not from courses in college,                                
But from volunteer work in the field.                       
                                                            
20698 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Laurence Perrine    P9409



Biology teacher Miss Noyes,                                 
Gives sex education to boys,                                
Who stare at her twat,                                      
As she demos the what                                       
And the where and the how, with her toys.                   
                                                            
20699 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Peter Wilkins            



We must start your new clutching lessons,                   
It is time to begin those great sessions,                   
Now I'm on my way,                                          
These are free, you won't pay,                              
As a bonus I'll rub you with Wessons!                       
                                                            
20700 CONGRESS - TEACHING                                     



Most sex books should teach or excite,                      
But somehow, just don't get it right.                       
So, Sir, yes, you,                                          
What you have to do                                         
Is get out of bed, Sir, and write.                          
                                                            
20701 CONGRESS - TEACHING            Irving Superior     P9108



It's malpractice insurance which wrecks                     
His finances, the doctor reflects,                          
And he wonders how well                                     
He'd be able to sell                                        
A new how-to-do about sex.                                  
                                                            
20702 CONGRESS - TEACHING            A. N. Wilkins       P9108



Sally-Jo taught erotic correction;                          
She told her student to get an erection.                    
"Put your dick in my mouth.                                 
Move it North, move it South;                               
Now you're getting a sense of direction.                    
                                                            
20703 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Chris                    



Her instructions were very explicit,                        
And more than a little illicit.                             
"Please fill up my cunny                                    
With fresh clover honey,                                    
And butter my buns like a biscuit."                         
                                                            
20704 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Chris                    



"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket.                         
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.              
I'll put on some feathers,                                  
Fine laces and leathers,                                    
And I'll wiggle my ass till you spank it."                  
                                                            
20705 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Chris                    



"Now that your fingers are stinky,                          
Tie me up with some chains that are clinky.                 
Bring in goats and a shiek,                                 
Give my titties a tweak,                                    
And now we can start getting kinky!"                        
                                                            
20706 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Chris                    



"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.                  
Just get the straps, the slings, and a shipment             
Of high-grade Vaseline,                                     
And a strong trampoline,                                    
And all of the other equipment."                            
                                                            
20707 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Chris                    



"Now that we've got all the bedsprings drumming,            
That's when I'll start humming,                             
Then quickly, my dear,                                      
Put it into my ear,                                         
So I'll hear the sound of it coming!"                       
                                                            
20708 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Chris                    



"I don't know how much this is costing",                    
Said her student, still covered with frosting.              
"But I can say with affinity                                
That I've lost my virginity.                                
Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"                 
                                                            
20709 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Chris                    



A pathetic old joke you are not,                            
Though you're arthritic and have jungle rot.                
You can barely see;                                         
You need help to pee;                                       
You can't even wipe your own snot.                          
                                                            
20710 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Cheryl                   



But your mind is as sharp as a tack;                        
You don't cut the girls any slack.                          
Just a crack of the whip,                                   
And they don't give no lip                                  
(Unless it's the kind you give back.)                       
                                                            
20711 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Cheryl                   



Fear not, O prolific one;                                   
Years will pass before you are done.                        
You've so much to teach;                                    
All those things you can reach                              
'Bout the fine art of having some fun.                      
                                                            
20712 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Cheryl                   



Carnality classes?  Why not?                                
The girls here are willing to trot.                         
They too have their lessons,                                
To teach us caressin's,                                     
That make 'em excited and hot.                              
                                                            
20713 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



A mutual thing I would think,                               
For together we learn ev'ry kink.                           
Girls think about sex,                                      
Just as often I 'spex,                                      
As us guys think of knobbing the pink.                      
                                                            
20714 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



What you need is remedial schooling,                        
'Cause it looks like your lips have been drooling,          
As you babble and slaver                                    
Your futile palaver,                                        
While believing we're yokels for fooling.                   
                                                            
20715 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



Now Chuck's sadly lacking in smarts;                        
I said, "Chuck, boy, I drew you those charts                
Showing this  8=3D=3D=3D>  labelled C                       
For Chuck; *This*  {o}  labelled P                          
For Pearl, thus to distinguish your parts."                 
                                                            
20716 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



Said he, "It was going all right                            
As we lay on the bed holding tight;                         
Then she said to me, 'Chuck?                                
Do you fancy a fuck?'                                       
I said, 'Yes', so I switched on the light."                 
                                                            
20717 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



"'Hey Chuck, we don't need it that bright',                 
She complained.  'But I do, 'cause it's night,              
And I need to read charts                                   
With the various parts                                      
Labelled up, so we do it alright.' "                        
                                                            
20718 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



"I spread out the charts on the bed                         
And I studied them, scratching my head;                     
'Well I think that my C                                     
I insert in your P;                                         
Will you show me your P-thing', I said."                    
                                                            
20719 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



"'You fool', replied Pearl, 'I've no P-                     
Thing; that's yours, you great twat, and the C              
Is for cunt.  You've no cunt                                
Have you Chuck?  To be blunt,                               
If you have you're quite useless to me.'"                   
                                                            
20720 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



"'Let's see what it says on your chart;                     
Can't you see, foolish boy, that this part                  
8=3D=3D=3D> labelled C should be P?                         
Well whoever it be                                          
Drew this chart wasn't terribly smart.'"                    
                                                            
20721 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



I knew it would finish like this,                           
But I can't blame his pretty young miss.                    
Maybe one day dear Chuck                                    
Will attempt his first fuck;                                
But then ignorance (maybe) is bliss.                        
                                                            
20722 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



I met a professor of history,                               
To whom sex and girls were a mystery.                       
He told me his plight,                                      
I said "That's all right,                                   
In fact I'd be glad to assistory."                          
                                                            
20723 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



I found a young harlot named Tessa,                         
Introduced her to our professor,                            
"Now Prof, to learn more,                                   
About sexual lore,                                          
The first thing to do is undress her."                      
                                                            
20724 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



With trembling hand does he seize 'er.                      
'Neath her blouse he finds mounds and says "These are       
What inspired Aesop's                                       
Fables, and Cheops                                          
To build the great pyramids at Giza."                       
                                                            
20725 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



As her pants fall, he says "This is mythic!                 
What a sight, I feel quite troglodytic.                     
Now I know very well                                        
Why in caves they did dwell,                                
Way back in the paleolithic."                               
                                                            
20726 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



The cute little schoolteacher said,                         
As she gleefully hopped into bed:                           
"If the lads and the lasses                                 
In my hygiene classes                                       
Could see me right now, they'd drop DEAD!"                  
                                                            
20727 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                       G0175



The old bald principal replied,                             
As between her legs he pried,                               
"The parents would too,                                     
But I will just screw;                                      
If caught, we will both be fried.                           
                                                            
20728 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Fred Dunn                



She smothered the chump with hygiene                        
By placing a sheet of visqueen                              
'Teen her and the dude,                                     
So his shaft, foul and lewd,                                
Couldn't possibly make her unclean.                         
                                                            
20729 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Randog                   



From friction the visqueen was broken                       
And from the sheer effort of pokin',                        
His shaft 'tween her legs                                   
And scrambling her eggs,                                    
The remains of the sheet was left smokin'.                  
                                                            
20730 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Fred Dunn                



When their churning had left both exhausted,                
And she smelled scrambled eggs, she accosted                
The principal foul,                                         
Who replied with a scowl,                                   
"Fear not, mademoiselle, I just washed it!"                 
                                                            
20731 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Fred Dunn                



Oh Mother, you've made me a fool!                           
All those years I have lived by your rule.                  
You said babes came by stork,                               
'Cause they couldn't walk;                                  
I think your deception was cruel.                           
                                                            
20732 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Tony Burrell             



Oh Mother, you made me a clown;                             
I really feel you let me down.                              
You said the only way                                       
Was on my wedding day,                                      
Now that's just not true, I have found.                     
                                                            
20733 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Tony Burrell             



Mum, I miss the fun that you had                            
When you fooled around with my Dad.                         
I was always good                                           
Like you said I should;                                     
Now dear Mum, I'm gonna be bad.                             
                                                            
20734 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Tony Burrell             



Oh Mother, now let me tell you,                             
I've found out what you've always knew.                     
I've got me a tart                                          
And she blows me apart.                                     
She's taught me just what I can do!                         
                                                            
20735 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Tony Burrell             



According to Sex 101 -                                      
Teats, legs and then ogle her bun.                          
If there is a stir,                                         
Begin stalking her                                          
Till...Sex 102 has begun.                                   
                                                            
20736 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Irving Superior     P9409



At midway in Sex 102                                        
The stalkee is now stalking you.                            
You're inches apart.                                        
The question - to start                                     
While knowing Sex 103's due.                                
                                                            
20737 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Irving Superior     P9409



Sex 103 over and done,                                      
But gone is the teats, legs, and bun.                       
Since she could not wait,                                   
You yield to your fate,                                     
You join Masturbate 101                                     
                                                            
20738 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   Irving Superior     P9409



Said the lovely jeune file in Chicoutimi:                   
"The things you suggest are quite new to me.                
I'll have to think twice,                                   
Though they sound very nice.                                
They're not what the other boys do to me."                  
                                                            
20739 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   John E Mayhood      P0011



Said the pretty jeune file in Chicoutimi:                   
"Some things that you do are quite new to me,               
But that one face-to-face                                   
That you call 'Divine Grace'?                               
Well, it feels very much like a screw to me."               
                                                            
20740 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES   John E Mayhood      P0012



Two nurses, Miss Tryst and Miss Trust,                      
Insist that a wide spread's a must;                         
So they're here to help,                                    
Just so you won't yelp,                                     
As you spread for my needle's long thrust.                  
                                                            
20741 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



Ahhh! now you are spread to the max ...                     
Inserting now ... try to relax ...                          
Just let it go deeper ...                                   
Aw, hell! that's my beeper! ...                             
Don't worry ... it's reached the climax!                    
                                                            
20742 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



He went into the cloakroom with Sally,                      
That assignment was right down his alley!                   
He kissed her sweet lips,                                   
And felt up her nips,                                       
And attempted to stroke her soft valley.......              
                                                            
20743 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



Then, much to his horny chagrin,                            
His teacher, Miss Jones, wandered in---                     
She saw at a glance                                         
The bulge in his pants,                                     
And knew he was ready for sin....                           
                                                            
20744 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



Miss Jones sent Sally away,                                 
And said, "Now if you want to play,                         
Then here's your first lesson---                            
Now, help me undress, an'                                   
I'll be happy to show you the way!"                         
                                                            
20745 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



Yes, he first learned the use of his member,                
Long ago, in a cloakroom, in September.                     
What his first teacher taught him,                          
And the joy that she brought him,                           
It still makes him smile to remember!                       
                                                            
20746 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



<ring...ring...> "Hello."  "Hi, Mrs. Hickly?"               
"Yes."  "I'm your son's teacher...he's sickly."             
"Oh, goodness!  What's wrong?"                              
"When I sucked his dong                                     
He came much too thickly and quickly."                      
                                                            
20747 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



"Well, teacher, put down the receiver                       
And, please, go and check him for fever                     
The way that I do."                                         
"And how is that?"  "You                                    
Must place his sweet dong in your beaver..."                
                                                            
20748 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



...And squeeze it while feeling his lips                    
With yours -- but you must move your hips;                  
If he has a fever                                           
He'll shoot in your beaver                                  
So hard that your nose will have drips."                    
                                                            
20749 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



"OK, Mrs. Hickly, OK...                                     
I'll check him right now... right away!"                    
[An hour passed by --                                       
Then two -- and then...]  "Hi!                              
Oh, gawd!  Send him sick every day!" <sniff, sniff...>      
                                                            
20750 CONGRESS - TEACHING - SERIES                            



There was a debauched little wench,                         
Whom nothing could ever make blench.                        
She admitted men's poles                                    
At all possible holes,                                      
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerkoff, and French.                
                                                            
20751 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               L0361



There was a young man from Down-Under,                      
Young ladies by the score, he did plunder.                  
He'd pretend to dally,                                      
Then invade their valley,                                   
As he gently tossed their legs asunder.                     
                                                            
20752 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



There once was a dolly from Dublin,                         
Who never defined it as troublin',                          
To let Pat McNeer                                           
Stick it right in her ear--                                 
She just loved the dear sound of its bubblin'!              
                                                            
20753 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Norm Storer              



A lass who possessed a plump rear full,                     
Tried sex in ways diverse and cheerful.                     
But a preacher named Hays                                   
Who did not like her ways,                                  
Proceeded to give her an earful.                            
                                                            
20754 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0749



There was a young lady named Nance,                         
Who learned about fucking in France.                        
And when you'd insert it,                                   
She'd squeeze till she hurt it,                             
And shoved it right back in your pants.                     
                                                            
20755 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               L0326



There was a young fellow from Wark,                         
Who, when he screws, has to bark.                           
His wife is a bitch                                         
With a terrible itch,                                       
So the town never sleeps after dark.                        
                                                            
20756 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               L0360



There was a young lad of Bras d'Or                          
Who was laid by a maid on the shore;                        
It excited him blind                                        
When she leased his behind                                  
While engulfing his eager before.                           
                                                            
20757 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Keith MacMillan       24a



Most couples, long after they've wed,                       
Do it doggie-style each night in bed.                       
The form's easy to peg:                                     
The man sits up to beg,                                     
While his wife, rolling over, plays dead.                   
                                                            
20758 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Jerry Nordal        P0204



Sex by begging is good for a while                          
So be sure that you give it a trial.                        
But love is alluring                                        
So sweet and enduring                                       
If you make love in true doggie style.                      
                                                            
20759 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Tom Patton          P0204



My romantic style has a new tone;                           
I no longer caress, tease, and moan.                        
Remembering Rover,                                          
I beg, then roll over,                                      
As a prelude to burying my bone.                            
                                                            
20760 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Arthur Deex         P0204



There's nothing like blowing your trumpet,                  
When it comes to having a bit of crumpet.                   
But sometimes I find                                        
You go out of your mind.                                    
So shag it, then go and dump it.                            
                                                            
20761 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



I've wintered in AJL land,                                  
Where limerick fun has been grand;                          
But Spring's comin' on,                                     
And soon I'll be gone;                                      
I've got some new heifers to brand.                         
                                                            
20762 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



I'll drive those girls down to the lot                      
Where they'll feel my branding iron, hot;                   
They'll lay on the ground;                                  
I'll have their legs bound,                                 
Then sizzle them in the right spot.                         
                                                            
20763 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



There was an announcer named Herschel,                      
Whose habits became controversial,                          
Because when out wooing,                                    
Whatever he was doing,                                      
At ten he'd insert his commercial.                          
                                                            
20764 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               L1436



Getting girls for the fellows from Sicily,                  
Involves acts that are winky and whistly.                   
But all over Italy                                          
Fathers react fitally,                                      
And go after them knify and missily.                        
                                                            
20765 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Isaac Asimov             



There was a young devil named Stu,                          
Who ruined a maiden or two.                                 
That is, if good screwin'                                   
Can cause a girl's ruin.                                    
Even so, give the devil his due.                            
                                                            
20766 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           John Ciardi              



A moral young watchdog and sentry                           
Has told all the righteous gentry                           
That something went wrong                                   
With the double oontong                                     
And made it a twice double entry.                           
                                                            
20767 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Bill Backe-Hansen   P8407



"That India rubber man's gay, sir."                         
"Not true -- but his problem's a facer.                     
He loves the snake charmer                                  
And never would harm her                                    
But fears his embrace would erase her."                     
                                                            
20768 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Sally Porter        P8405



"The cry of the day is diversity,"                          
Said a man from the State University.                       
"Try every new way                                          
To enjoy a good lay,                                        
And time is your only adversity."                           
                                                            
20769 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I once met a mean mother fucker;                            
He scared me though I was a trucker.                        
His woman was nice,                                         
So I took her home twice;                                   
All night I would fuck her and suck her.                    
                                                            
20770 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



When a Spaniard I know cries, Ole!                          
What else can his wife do but obey?                         
After several Riojas                                        
He tickles her knockers,                                    
And then has his Iberian way.                               
                                                            
20771 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Alistair Sampson    P0209



If you hear a Spaniard cry "Ole!"                           
It's not for the white or rose,                             
Or glasses of tinto,                                        
So you better sprinto                                       
And vamos you ass right away!                               
                                                            
20772 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Carol                    



The woodchopper dated Miss Brackett                         
And proceeded to take off his jacket.                       
Her pussy felt tight                                        
But he said with smile bright,                              
He was sure without doubt he could hack it.                 
                                                            
20773 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0057



Hickery Dickery Dock,                                       
Fun around the clock.                                       
But when lovers meet                                        
In bed under a sheet,                                       
It's better to dick and not talk.                           
                                                            
20774 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Collins                  



The chef de cuisine, name of Biddle,                        
Explained before starting to diddle,                        
Why his girl he did toast:                                  
"For like pancakes or roast,                                
They are good when they're hot off the griddle."            
                                                            
20775 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0046



And being the recipient                                     
Of this action of coming and went,                          
Makes me feel all aglow                                     
When you tuck down below                                    
Your thing, be it ram straight or bent.                     
                                                            
20776 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



Winter is here with its grouch.                             
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.                    
And you can't go canoeing,                                  
To get in your screwing,                                    
But a lot can be done on a couch.                           
                                                            
20777 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Anon                L0047



The way that me dibble can jiggle,                          
Cause many a woman to giggle.                               
But virgins complain,                                       
It causes great pain,                                       
While hookers just call it a niggle.                        
                                                            
20778 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           SFA                      



If I had a girl named Dolores,                              
All the Sex Follies Judges would score us                   
An impeccable ten,                                          
So we'd easily win,                                         
While the crowd, on their feet, would adore us.             
                                                            
20779 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Crazy Legs          T9711



It's been said the disgruntled Miss G                       
Told her boyfriend, almost angrily,                         
"I've discovered this sex                                   
Stuff is pretty complex.                                    
Is it ever done simplistically?"                            
                                                            
20780 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



Said a girl being had in a shanty,                          
"My dear, you have got it in slanty."                       
He replied, "I can use                                      
Any angle I choose.                                         
I ride as I please--I'm Duranty!"                           
("I Write As I Please" by Walter Duranty - 1935)            
20781 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               L0344



A young couple who lived at 'The Laurels',                  
Had the most indescribable morals.                          
You'd not see in a zoo                                      
The things that they'd do,                                  
To make up when they had lovers' quarrels.                  
                                                            
20782 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           W F N Watson             



The game between sexes eschews,                             
Any reason that one can peruse,                             
For the facts are hereof,                                   
That she screws to get love,                                
While he only loves to get screws.                          
                                                            
20783 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Bob Giandomenico    P9511



I start north of the line with my vixen,                    
Caressing her breasts and I'm fixin'                        
To head to the south                                        
With my tongue out of mouth,                                
'Til I get to the line Mason's dick's in...                 
                                                            
20784 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



It seems that all our perversions                           
Were known to the Medes and the Persians.                   
But the French and the Yanks                                
Earn our undying thanks,                                    
For inventing some modernized versions.                     
                                                            
20785 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               G0716



There was a young man from Swarthmore,                      
Whose lusting was famously hardcore.                        
He never took flack                                         
For his work in the sack;                                   
For this is what Jimmy was made for.                        
                                                            
20786 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Jim Weaver Collection    



My momma's got tits long and droppy;                        
My daddy's balls hang low and floppy.                       
And when daddy's wang                                       
Gets doggin' that tang,                                     
Her nips bang his nuts till they poppy.                     
                                                            
20787 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



There are very few things that I know.                      
And most things I try, I am slow.                           
When engaged in the sex act                                 
I've found it's a true fact                                 
That instead of coming, I go.                               
                                                            
20788 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Fred Cohen          P8301



At Radium Springs on vacation                               
A tourist absorbed radiation.                               
This led in due course                                      
To a potent new force --                                    
He could couple without penetration!                        
                                                            
20789 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Hugh Oliver           99a



A moral old man of Racine,                                  
Whose love life was wholesome and clean,                    
Fucked his wife all these years                             
With his nose and his ears,                                 
So was never considered obscene.                            
                                                            
20790 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0748



"Nose-to-nose his toes is in it,                            
Toes-to-toes his nose is in it."                            
This riddle defines                                         
My poems final line:                                        
Tall woman in bed with a short little twit.                 
                                                            
20791 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Rhymarian                



With the cook, the new butler named Grange                  
Indulged in his antics so strange,                          
For he screwed her, the fink,                               
In the fridge and the sink,                                 
But she felt he had not found the range.                    
                                                            
20792 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0702



In the spring, I am always afraid,                          
For the honor of young man and maid.                        
I tremble with dread                                        
Lest a lad be misled,                                       
And I shudder to see one miss laid!                         
                                                            
20793 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Laurence Perrine    P9409



He's a 'net freak like many we've seen;                     
His Old Lady  got pissed at the scene;                      
To entice her old clown,                                    
She does strip herself down,                                
Then stands, starkers, 'tween him and the screen!           
                                                            
20794 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



North of Dallas-Ft. Worth, Sue and Tex                      
Would ride bareback on their horses' necks.                 
And always they'd fain                                      
To give their horses free rein,                             
While engaging in unbridled sex.                            
                                                            
20795 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



There was a young lady of Norway,                           
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.                         
She said to her beau,                                       
"Just look at me, Joe.                                      
I think I've discovered one more way."                      
                                                            
20796 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Algernon C Swinburn L1724



A virtuous lady named Lynch                                 
From decency never would flinch.                            
She professed morals sound                                  
And she held to her ground,                                 
And she never gave in but an inch.                          
                                                            
20797 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1881



If you graduated from Mills,                                
Then you're probably mentally ill.                          
But I am no slouch                                          
When it comes to the couch,                                 
So lie back and keep perfectly still.                       
                                                            
20798 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Bill Wall                



A remarkable race are the Persians,                         
They have such peculiar diversions.                         
They screw the whole day                                    
In the regular way,                                         
And save up the nights for perversions.                     
                                                            
20799 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Anon                L0337



There was a young lady named Bower,                         
Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.                                
But a poet from Perth,                                      
Laid her flat on the earth,                                 
And proceeded with penis to plough her.                     
                                                            
20800 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin 3024  G0020



The quasi-statistical screw                                 
Is physically something quite new:                          
Differentially slow,                                        
Its nature is so                                            
That it's still going on when you're through.               
                                                            
20801 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               G2642



If I had a girl named Delores,                              
I'd surely control her clitoris.                            
I'd rub it each day,                                        
And if she went astray,                                     
I'd join the Vienna chorus!                                 
                                                            
20802 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a vaporish maiden in Harrison                       
Who longed for the love of a Saracen.                       
But she had to confine her                                  
Intent to a shriner,                                        
Who suffers, I fear, by comparison.                         
                                                            
20803 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Morris Bishop       P0202



There was a young lady named Cleft                          
Who dated a man who was deft.                               
Though she kept in full view                                
What his right hand did do,                                 
She was screwed by the one that was left.                   
                                                            
20804 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0088



When he talks a girl into a lay,                            
A man should be really "au fait",                           
With the sort of techniques                                 
Of which Dr. Ruth speaks                                    
That allow her to go, him to stay.                          
(Dr Ruth Westheimer, 90's sex expert)                       
20805 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           John E Mayhood      P9901



In China, sex manuals say,                                  
You cannot at right angles lay.                             
(White man having fun).                                     
It cannot be done.                                          
But try it and maybe you may.                               
                                                            
20806 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Irving Superior     P9109



In Egypt, sex manuals say,                                  
Since desert sands everywhere lay,                          
By comb, first remove                                       
The grains near the groove,                                 
Then vacuum the rest of the way.                            
                                                            
20807 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Irving Superior     P9108



In Siam, sex manuals state,                                 
When Siamese twins have a date,                             
Three girls must be there;                                  
The two who will share;                                     
The third girl will then orchestrate.                       
                                                            
20808 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Irving Superior     P9108



In Moffett, sex manuals say,                                
You do it the Pentatette Way.                               
Details are obscure                                         
But one thing is sure,                                      
It comes once a month from CA.                              
(CA - California)                                           
20809 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Irving Superior     P9108



Said a fancier of horses named Finney,                      
"I will date a young girl if she's skinny.                  
But before we can lay                                       
I expect her to neigh.                                      
And after we're through, she must whinny."                  
                                                            
20810 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Al Chaplin          P9702



There was a young lady of Baylor                            
Who fell madly in love with a sailor.                       
Since they met at a dance,                                  
He was forced to wear pants,                                
And he had to turn sideways to nail her.                    
                                                            
20811 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               G0012



Quickies are often good fun,                                
But "slowies" are still number one.                         
Gently or roughly,                                          
Don't treat me too gruffly,                                 
'Cause slow shags are second to none.                       
                                                            
20812 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Jayne                    



To kiss her lips and cheek, be bold;                        
Neither too rude; nor too cold.                             
Glance at her face,                                         
Glide in at slow pace,                                      
Wedded together in eternal hold.                            
                                                            
20813 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



A rounder whose last name was Paulk                         
Claimed spats were not always his fault.                    
When attempting to score                                    
As he had twice before,                                     
He thought "STOP" was simply sweet talk.                    
                                                            
20814 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           John Paulk          P0310



Said a fair-skinned young lady named Nan,                   
As she stretched on the beach, "I won't tan.                
Moonbeams are too thin                                      
To damage my skin,                                          
When I cover myself with a man."                            
                                                            
20815 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           John Ciardi              



Said her grace, "I impose one condition,                    
Before I assume the position.                               
It's my view that nudity                                    
Cannot excuse crudity.                                      
No fucking.  Just tasteful coition."                        
                                                            
20816 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           John Ciardi              



The unsolved mystery of SEX                                 
Not WHEN, WHERE, nor WHO is next.                           
(WHY -- genes explain.                                      
IF --her choice remains.)                                   
It's HOW do we discuss Rx.                                  
                                                            
20817 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Irving Superior     P9102



Afraid you'll become a statistic?                           
The answer to me is simplistic                              
Become unexpendable                                         
And don't be unbendable--                                   
Bend to his extendable bliss stick!                         
                                                            
20818 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



But if you should find your job's ended                     
And things don't work out as intended                       
And he's no intention                                       
Of granting extension,                                      
My offer's still fully extended...                          
                                                            
20819 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



Laundresses at honeymoon hotels                             
Get so heated by bridal-suite smells                        
That by day in a frenzy,                                    
They read up on Kinsey,                                     
And by night practice all the book tells.                   
(Kinsey Report - first book about when and how much sex)    
20820 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               G2144



A noted biologist Nate                                      
Developed a thought that was great.                         
In his lab, on their knees,                                 
The young girls would eat peas,                             
And he'd throw them the meat while they ate.                
                                                            
20821 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0738



You might start with the girls of Vancouver,                
Who know an orgasmic improver.                              
A thumb up your bum                                         
At the moment you come --                                   
A clever, though risky, manoeuver.                          
                                                            
20822 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Ed Potts            P8710



My professor of sex claimed he knew,                        
A hundred and one things to do.                             
My girlfriend ain't much                                    
At book-learning and such,                                  
But she knows a hundred and two.                            
                                                            
20823 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           John Ciardi              



"Catch 'em young, treat 'em rough, tell 'em nothing"        
Said the song, and though prudes may be cuthing,            
To give 'em your brawn                                      
At puberty's dawn,                                          
Will save much expense and much futhing.                    
                                                            
20824 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



At Bab's fishing hole you should dangle                     
Your pole, and then give it a jangle;                       
Then if you've no catch                                     
When making the snatch,                                     
Try using a different angle.                                
                                                            
20825 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



A young man from Zamora was grand.                          
Women flocked from all over the land.                       
They all wanted a peek,                                     
Or better, a tweak,                                         
And a chance to be under his hand.                          
                                                            
20826 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Charlotte                



The holiday season seems early;                             
It makes me feel hostile and surly.                         
But I find that I might                                     
Relieve stress at night,                                    
If I snuggle down where hair is curly!                      
                                                            
20827 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE           Shakes Younger Bro  T9711



These hot newlyweds of North Hyde                           
Flip a coin every night to decide                           
Who will be the ridee,                                      
And tonight we see Bee                                      
Mounting Clyde to begin the night's ride.                   
                                                            
20828 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               G0153



To be your own man is the way,                              
To feel like a king every day.                              
Don't be your own queen,                                    
Not that it's unclean,                                      
But a girl's got a right to a lay.                          
                                                            
20829 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                                    



Once a lecherous fellow named Shea,                         
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,                     
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,                         
And tease it, and please it,                                
For Rome wasn't built in a day."                            
                                                            
20830 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE                               L0094



While strolling upon a nude beach,                          
A blond came into my reach.                                 
She slapped me all silly,                                   
Then pulled out my willy,                                   
And stuck it into her breach!                               
                                                            
20831 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  Anon                     



There is a young woman named Rose,                          
Who has a fixation on toes.                                 
She thinks that love's remedies,                            
Start with pedal extremities,                               
And she then passes on to -- God knows!                     
                                                            
20832 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  Isaac Asimov             



Good sex, it just has to be said,                           
Is not about getting good head.                             
Providing the Lass                                          
Has got enough class,                                       
She'll relish the shafting instead.                         
                                                            
20833 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  SFA                      



But of course, if she has a good heart,                     
On her knees is from where she will start.                  
And to help get you ready,                                  
She will put on a "teddy",                                  
And not that cheap crap from Walmart.                       
                                                            
20834 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE                           



And if all the head you get's good,                         
Maybe she'll sit on your wood.                              
You'll fill up her chasm                                    
While she just orgasms                                      
And then do it again if you should.                         
                                                            
20835 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  Chris Papa               



Connoisseurs of coition aver,                               
That the best British girls never stir.                     
This condition in Persia,                                   
Is known as inertia.                                        
It depends which response you prefer.                       
                                                            
20836 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  Anon                G0011



A remarkable girl is Miss Treadwell;                        
Aside from the fact she gives head well,                    
She's a talent supreme.                                     
She takes on the whole team                                 
But to do so her legs must be spread well.                  
                                                            
20837 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  Theo Heller         P9211



Though I don't carry all that much girth,                   
Making love's to girls is Heaven on Earth.                  
When up go their knees,                                     
The way that they squeeze,                                  
Just milks me for all that it's worth!                      
                                                            
20838 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE                           



I like proof that my style's up to snuff;                   
But, when bedded, some vixens get rough;                    
I don't want my back clawed,                                
By some hot-blooded broad;                                  
A small fart and a sigh's quite enough!                     
                                                            
20839 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE                           



Time was when most carnal enjoyment                         
Depended on girl-under-boy-ment;                            
But today's ways of sex                                     
Use techniques so complex,                                  
That they've lessened girls' underemployment.               
                                                            
20840 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  Jim Weaver Collection    



An innocent nympho named Ginger                             
Fell hard for a muscular ninja;                             
Her concept of sex                                          
Caused physical wrecks --                                   
In her case, enough to unhinge her.                         
                                                            
20841 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - FEMALE  Armand E Singer       815



The groom was all in a fuddle.                              
His brother's advice was a muddle.                          
"Blow in her ear?                                           
Or blow in her rear?                                        
The difference is so very subtle."                          
                                                            
20842 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Greg Schindler      P9001



A skillful old toolmaker Hugh                               
Prepared a young girl for a screw,                          
But he first blued her in                                   
From her knees to her chin,                                 
Before thrusting his prick up her flue.                     
                                                            
20843 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Albin Chaplin   3024-0206



I am told by a man named Cantrell,                          
Promiscuity won't send you to hell.                         
He says no one cares                                        
What you do or don't dare,                                  
As long as you do it quite well.                            
                                                            
20844 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Evelyn L                 



If you want to make a girl quiver                           
With multiple orgasms, give her                             
Enough of your cock,                                        
Till she feels it knock                                     
Against her spleen, kidneys and liver.                      
                                                            
20845 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Travis Brasell           



It's a habit of husbands of Salem                           
When their wives or their mistresses fail 'em,              
To go slightly berserk,                                     
And if that doesn't work,                                   
To leap on the bed and impale 'em.                          
                                                            
20846 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Keith MacMillan     A062A



All my life I've been just a trucker;                       
Don't marmalade, my spread is Smucker.                      
So for Valentine's day,                                     
I give cards and a lay,                                     
But while she's making love, I just fuck her.               
                                                            
20847 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE                             



There was a young man named Sid,                            
Who said as they lay there naked,                           
"I love you so madly;                                       
Wanted to make love so badly..."                            
She replied, "And that's just what your did!"               
                                                            
20848 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Kaylin                   



A long-peckered sailor from Durham                          
Made all the girls holler and squirm.                       
He withdraws, letting fly,                                  
Saying "Mud in your eye!"                                   
And that's where he deposits his sperm.                     
                                                            
20849 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE                        G0576



There was an old chef name of Zimmer                        
Who had in his eye a strange glimmer.                       
With his girl he did toil,                                  
Till she came to a boil,                                    
Then he set her aside just to simmer.                       
                                                            
20850 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Albin Chaplin   3024-0785



You men are all so alike;                                   
It's not the size of your spike,                            
But what you do where                                       
When you get it there,                                      
After giving our skirts a good hike.                        
                                                            
20851 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Jim Weaver Collection    



In a nearby Westchester suburb                              
An affectionate trapper named Herb                          
Trapped blondes in tight pants,                             
Who, the sexy vagrants...                                   
Said his screwing technique was superb.                     
                                                            
20852 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Grand Prix Lim  384      



There was a young fellow named Lyle                         
Who practiced a new-fangled style.                          
It could not be Yiddish,                                    
Or Spanish or British;                                      
It was French, and it took a long while.                    
                                                            
20853 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Albin Chaplin            



When a Sheik of the Gulf took a bride,                      
At the moment of entry she shied;                           
So he told her to sit,                                      
Did a lickety-split,                                        
And then ushered his gusher inside.                         
                                                            
20854 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



There was a young tart from the Fraser;                     
So cool that no fellow could faze her.                      
Till that logger she met --                                 
After that I forget                                         
If he flays, sways, dismays, or just lays her.              
                                                            
20855 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MALE    Keith MacMillan      104b



A tourist from Nyack named Durkee                           
Found a small, cut-rate harem in Turkey.                    
Their exotic technique                                      
Kept him spinning for a week;                               
Even now, a year later, he's jerky.                         
                                                            
20856 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Grand Prix Lim  375 G0677



An acrobat lewdly enwrapt                                   
Went wild as Toms's testicles slapped.                      
"Your great balls need sucking,"                            
She yelled, and while fucking,                              
She drove Big Tom mad as she lapped!                        
                                                            
20857 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                      G0581



Though a horny young locksmith named Shore,                 
Had the hots for his favorite whore,                        
When the cops got inside,                                   
With a true craftsman's pride,                              
He was making a bolt for the door.                          
                                                            
20858 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



I once knew a French girl named Emily,                      
She's the height of the femme de la femmely.                
Her boyfriend Jacques                                       
Likes to feed her his cock,                                 
While she whips him up creme de la cremely.                 
                                                            
20859 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Petunia,                        
Who would squeeze with her legs while she's screw'n ya.     
She did not realize                                         
With the banging of thighs,                                 
The testicular damage she's doin' ya.                       
                                                            
20860 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



If you race to the end without slowing                      
And pausing while you are bestowing                         
The proof of your love                                      
With an extra-deep shove                                    
Then you'll come not while coming, but going!               
                                                            
20861 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



Last night as I prodded and missed,                         
"I'll help you to find it", she hissed.                     
I replied: "Don't you dare!                                 
He's already been there,                                    
Just not while you're doing the twist!"                     
                                                            
20862 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



A Vassar girl over from France,                             
Had a lover with St. Vitus dance.                           
This was awkward, they say,                                 
At a meal or a play,                                        
But was grand when he got in her pants.                     
                                                            
20863 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



When Cupid loved Psyche, it seems,                          
Their sex life was one of extremes.                         
Their performance in bed                                    
Exceeded, it's said,                                        
The wildest sex orgies of dreams.                           
                                                            
20864 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                      G0751



A fellow once said, "It's hilarious                         
That sexual techniques are so various.                      
Some are exotic,                                            
And some, most erotic,                                      
And some, so they say, are precarious."                     
                                                            
20865 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Limericks Naughty & Gay  



When your Jon exungulates you,                              
Do you quiver or do you just coo?                           
Or cut to the quick                                         
And give a big flick                                        
To the scoundrel who does this to you?                      
                                                            
20866 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



Guess I'm not as clever as you,                             
'Cause what this means, I have no clue.                     
But I'd never flick,                                        
Jon's huge throbbing dick,                                  
Or trade him for a kangaroo.                                
                                                            
20867 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



There was a young lad from New Zealand,                     
Who liked to have his girl a-kneelin',                      
He'd straddle her face,                                     
And begin there apace,                                      
And soon he'd look at the ceiling.                          
                                                            
20868 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



Oh groom, if you wish to deploy                             
To your bride ineluctable joy,                              
Forget about size,                                          
If you are so wise,                                         
It's motion that you should employ.                         
                                                            
20869 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Terri                    



The thing about fucking in space,                           
Is keeping all things in their place.                       
A wee bit of fumbling                                       
Can start things to tumbling,                               
And jizzwads end up on your face.                           
                                                            
20870 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



'Pon the table he laid her with care,                       
So white and so glistening and bare...                      
His forehead grew wet                                       
With beads of bright sweat,                                 
As he rubbed her from here down to there...                 
                                                            
20871 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Knightley;                   
So masterful, active and sprightly.                         
And so adept and agile,                                     
That with young ladies fragile,                             
He would give them the once over lightly.                   
                                                            
20872 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Albin Chaplin   3024-0234



A rich girl in Boca Raton,                                  
Met a man and said "Let's tie one on!"                      
The man humped her gently                                   
And drove off in her Bentley.                               
She sighed when she woke: he was gone.                      
                                                            
20873 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Actaeon                  



A doll, quite a DEXTEROUS dish,                             
Could fulfill each lover's bold wish.                       
One day in tryst hot,                                       
They tied such a knot,                                      
In Gordian joy they languish.                               
                                                            
20874 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Chris Papa               



A spaceman and girl in free fall                            
Found a new way of heeding Love's call.                     
"I've been tumbled," she said,                              
"On floor, sofa, and bed,                                   
But never halfway up a wall."                               
                                                            
20875 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Poul Anderson      G2597a



There is a young girl in Cheyenne                           
Who has an attraction for man,                              
For her body is svelte,                                     
And she loves to be felt,                                   
And she helps with her hips all she can.                    
                                                            
20876 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                      G0035



A skillful young fucker's maneuver                          
Excited his girl and did move her                           
To exclaim, "Oh dear Ben,                                   
I must come back again."                                    
But he said "This is just the hors d'oeuvre."               
                                                            
20877 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Albin Chaplin   3024-0258



You gals are not easy to fool;                              
I have heard aphorism cool                                  
That: "If you'd win the prize,                              
It isn't just size,                                         
But mainly how you use the tool!"                           
                                                            
20878 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Chris Papa               



It's Irish men, maidens still seek,                         
Because of our foreplay technique:                          
"I'm told your not frigid,                                  
So brace yerself, Brigid,                                   
And don't give me none of yer cheek!"                       
                                                            
20879 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



The pain started in the bloody knee,                        
Whilst trampoline jumping, you see.                         
I then pulled a lig';                                       
Knee swoll so big,                                          
And hurt again when Love chased me.                         
                                                            
20880 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Tiddy Ogg                



Those sure are some strange words you speak;                
In fact they are somewhat oblique.                          
Just how does Love seize                                    
Up your cute little knees?                                  
Perhaps you should change your technique.                   
                                                            
20881 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Tiddy Ogg                



I think to her story, there's more;                         
She'll not duck if she call it a bore.                      
My mind thought "Egads!                                     
What she needs are kneepads,                                
If with knees, she's traversing the floor."                 
                                                            
20882 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Jenni Saqua              



I think the young lady is gifted,                           
But from her guilt we have been shifted                     
To disguise, if you please,                                 
That the pain in her knees,                                 
Is from her beau being knee-lifted.                         
                                                            
20883 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Cyber Wizard             



She agreed the technique would be fancy,                    
But expressed the concern it was chancy.                    
With his usual flair,                                       
Mark leapt high in the air,                                 
Then took one stroke to finish off Nancy!                   
                                                            
20884 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Lims For Year - 01       



Should your man lose a pound or two?                        
There's this great exercise he can do!                      
He'll give up the gym                                       
If you'll lie beneath him                                   
And let him do push-ups on you!                             
                                                            
20885 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Writerman                



Dancing with him is a treat --                              
His technique just can't be beat!                           
He faces me frontally,                                      
To "dance" horizontally --                                  
Seldom does he step on my feet!                             
                                                            
20886 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Kaylin                   



Your cock is quite handsome, my pet.                        
It's size does enthrall me; and yet                         
Make it move like a piston,                                 
Like the fists of S. Liston,                                
If you want all us girls to get wet.                        
                                                            
20887 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



Rotational pelvic gyrations,                                
Vibrations and clenching sensations                         
Without hesitation                                          
Relieve all frustration                                     
With throbbingly liquid pulsations.                         
                                                            
20888 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



There was an old cocksman from Attic,                       
Who suffered from spasms rheumatic;                         
So whether each thrust                                      
Was lumbago or lust                                         
Seemed always a bit problematic.                            
                                                            
20889 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Harold C. Bibby          



I think my bed's shrinking somehow.                         
I can't seem to roll over now                               
Without falling out.                                        
It's something about                                        
The man sleeping there, I'll allow.                         
                                                            
20890 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



He seems to change size without warning.                    
I think it was only this morning                            
That he grew in size                                        
Before my own eyes,                                         
And claimed that he needed dehorning.                       
                                                            
20891 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



It's true, a fine man has his price --                      
So when his size multiplies thrice,                         
Best pay him attention,                                     
And don't ever mention                                      
It tastes like a bad blend of spice.                        
                                                            
20892 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



If he tastes bad, I must say                                
That I am not willing to play.                              
Until he can make                                           
Himself taste like a cake,                                  
Or sweet cream cheese frosting frappe.                      
                                                            
20893 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



My god, if my spunk tasted sweet                            
I'd advertise "Come taste my meat!"                         
And then I'd insist                                         
On pussy not pissed.                                        
"Bon chat, bon rat, Mar. Toot sweet?"                       
                                                            
20894 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



There once lived a young man named Sean;                    
It was Shirley that he'd jump upon.                         
Like a school of trout,                                     
They'd wiggle about;                                        
They wouldn't fuck, they would spawn!                       
                                                            
20895 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Jim Weaver Collection    



I've always said sex is adorable...                         
It's like, getting NONE that's deplorable!                  
I love a real shove,                                        
But heavens above...                                        
Your notion of motion is horrible.                          
                                                            
20896 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Grand Prix Lim  918      



An agile contortionist, Beakley,                            
Was screwing a lady uniquely.                               
In the midst of ferment,                                    
She got twisted and bent,                                   
So he finished his fucking obliquely.                       
                                                            
20897 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Albin Chaplin   3024-0035



We know an old gal from Decatur,                            
With an ass like a red ripe tomater.                        
She'll roll in the weeds,                                   
While you get off your seeds;                               
And that's why us fellers all date her.                     
                                                            
20898 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



Tomorrow we'll play ring-round-the-rosy;                    
Come see what I've got in my posey.                         
When this pussy falls down,                                 
Your turn; mount my mound.                                  
Then it's my turn. I'll ring your hosey.                    
                                                            
20899 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



I'm here and I'm ready to ring                              
Your rosey with my ding-a-ling                              
Then you'll ring my hosey--                                 
Will you use your posey                                     
Or another orifice on my thing?                             
                                                            
20900 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



Maybe you meant your sweet mouth                            
Would once again be going south,                            
To leave some lipstick                                      
Around my thick prick.                                      
Well here it is, I'll whip it out                           
                                                            
20901 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



You can ring it both ways tonight                           
From sundown until morning light.                           
Just one time around,                                       
I've always found,                                          
Ain't enough to finish me right.                            
                                                            
20902 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



A God-fearing maiden from Goshen,                           
Took a September-morn swim in the ocean.                    
When a whirlpool appeared,                                  
She rose up and cheered,                                    
And developed a rotary motion.                              
                                                            
20903 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  W S Baring-Gold          



There once was a guy named McPeeper,                        
As a lover, well known as a leaper.                         
He sprang in the air                                        
And lit with a flair,                                       
Making entry much quicker and deeper.                       
                                                            
20904 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Grand Prix Lim no num    



Those cuddly young ladies of Russia                         
Will charge ahead -- try to rush ya.                        
Don't! Go with the flow;                                    
Pump steady and slow.                                       
Girls will do their best just to hush ya.                   
                                                            
20905 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Nik Synytskyy            



There was a young juggler named Ruggling                    
Who attempted coition while juggling,                       
And today in my dreams,                                     
I can still hear his screams                                
And his tormented cries and his struggling.                 
                                                            
20906 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Albin Chaplin 3024  P8711



As far as the synonym, "screw"                              
Rotating's not easy to do.                                  
The the next time you're in,                                
Attempt a half spin,                                        
Her toes make your nose black and blue.                     
                                                            
20907 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Irving Superior     P8511



There once was a salesgirl named Mary,                      
(Not the one that you know, quite contrary)                 
Said, "Right 'til the end,                                  
My sexy young friend."                                      
When asked if she kept stationary.                          
                                                            
20908 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Cybe R Wizard            



I know now just what you mean,                              
But she has tricks you might not have seen.                 
She'll stand and she'll stay,                               
And if you twist the right way,                             
She can suck you right in 'till you cream!                  
                                                            
20909 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



A muscular male acrobat,                                    
And a girl who was lithe as a cat,                          
Decided that supple                                         
Young people should couple                                  
And exercise only like that.                                
                                                            
20910 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



After flowers and presents galore,                          
My Madonna turns into my whore;                             
Licking cock, balls and ass,                                
Then to be really crass                                     
We take turns plugging holes till we're sore.               
                                                            
20911 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



A redneck that was called Old Jed,                          
Was horny as he lay on his bed.                             
His old wife said no,                                       
As he slipped it in slow,                                   
So he turned over and did her that way instead.             
                                                            
20912 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Jim Weaver Collection    



"I'll let any nice guy have a lay,                          
But he's sure gotta do it my way.                           
Guys who bounce when they hump                              
Give me PIP in the rump,                                    
And I'm pooped for the rest of the day!"                    
                                                            
20913 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Grand Prix Lim no num    



"If it weren't against morals and creed,"                   
Said Lord Peter, "my darling, indeed                        
I would sure tie you down.                                  
All this moving around                                      
Feels like fucking a squirrel on speed."                    
                                                            
20914 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Ulla                     



Said a cheerful young woman of Gratz,                       
Who made love on the flimsiest cots,                        
"With the final hup-hup,                                    
The whole thing folds up,                                   
And it's fun to end tied up in knots."                      
                                                            
20915 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Isaac Asimov             



A young engineer at York,                                   
Said, "When you arrive at the fork,                         
Don't veer right or left,                                   
Go straight up the cleft,                                   
With a touch of rotational torque."                         
                                                            
20916 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Harold C Bibby           



Said a verbal young man from New York,                      
To his girl while inserting his dork:                       
"I prefer you askew                                         
As we chat while we screw,                                  
So I'd welcome some feminine torque."                       
                                                            
20917 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



Said John, "In my recent attacking,                         
Variety seems to be lacking.                                
Let's drop on the bed,                                      
From the lamps overhead,                                    
And however we land, let's get cracking."                   
                                                            
20918 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Isaac Asimov             



So wild was the lady of Bruce,                              
They tied her ass down with a noose.                        
Then a cowboy named Scott                                   
Shoved his cock in her twat,                                
And proceeded to cut the bonds loose.                       
                                                            
20919 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Albin Chaplin   3024-0658



There's a dandy named David in Divot                        
Supernaturally built with a pivot...                        
In the midst of a lay,                                      
He can twist every way...                                   
It's so crazy few babes will forgive it.                    
                                                            
20920 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Grand Prix Lim  251      



There once was a fellow named Mitch                         
Who learned how to make his dick twitch.                    
Because the right twitching                                 
Could stop his wife's bitching,                             
Having scratched her particular itch.                       
                                                            
20921 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  MrMalo                   



Venus Butterfly, learn the technique;                       
With your fingers, you'll make her freak.                   
Watch her buck, moan and grind,                             
While you're blowing her mind;                              
Make her pass out from getting so weak.                     
                                                            
20922 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING                           



A baldheaded man who's named Hammer,                        
Had a t-t-t-terrible stammer.                               
But his girl didn't care,                                   
'Cause he'd go like a hare,                                 
When he'd wh-wh-wh-wham, thank you ma'am her.               
                                                            
20923 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Pierce Evans             



Doctor Kupid, home-based in Vancouver,                      
A technician of sex, an improver,                           
Has corrected the ride,                                     
Hip to hip, side by side,                                   
So you can't tell who's moved, who's the mover.             
                                                            
20924 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - MOVING  Armand Singer            



Air bed for my wife I have bought;                          
A verse needed to share it in thought.                      
So please lend a hand;                                      
Any verse would be grand.                                   
Alas, your pay will be naught.                              
                                                            
20925 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Jeanie                   



Well, the man and his wife are a pair;                      
He treats her with the utmost care.                         
He does not want a rift,                                    
So he gave her a gift.                                      
Tonight, they'll be fucking on air.                         
                                                            
20926 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Jeanie                   



There's a pretty young lady named Sark,                     
Afraid to get laid in the dark.                             
But she's often manhandled                                  
But the light of a candle,                                  
In the bushes of Gramercy Park.                             
                                                            
20927 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                      L1345



The backhoe's a versatile tool                              
For trenching or digging a pool.                            
But for screwing some gal,                                  
Even horny old Sal,                                         
A slip could be overly cruel.                               
                                                            
20928 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Anon                P0112



I'm bathing in oil -- care to join me?                      
While I'm slippery, greasy, and oily.                       
I could slide 'cross the floor,                             
Maybe right out the door,                                   
But for God's sake, dont' try to foil me.                   
                                                            
20929 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the Victrola salesman going pink,                      
This product's a wind-up, I think.                          
Until they invent electricity,                              
It's our only facility;                                     
This big horn will make the girls wink.                     
                                                            
20930 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



I hear Peter's losing his grip                              
(If he's floss-sized, that is no hardship)                  
But with lace or black leather,                             
We could work together,                                     
And into some shape, we'd him whip...                       
                                                            
20931 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Erika                    



But corporal punishment ain't                               
Quite as good as old-fashioned restraint.                   
I prefer to be thrust                                       
Into harness of lust;                                       
Just the very idea makes me faint.                          
                                                            
20932 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Peter Wilkins            



Black leather and lace are OK                               
But the whips? You can put them away.                       
And I wouldn't resist                                       
If you handcuffed my wrist                                  
To the bedpost and left me all day                          
                                                            
20933 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Peter Wilkins            



If you really believe that my cock                          
Is for flossing, you're in for a shock.                     
The harder you cuff                                         
Me, you'll find soon enough                                 
That I've eight or nine inches of rock.                     
                                                            
20934 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Peter Wilkins            



So how's about getting together;                            
You, dressed in black nylon and leather.                    
Me, tied to the bed                                         
With you giving me head,                                    
Till I'm nearing the end of my tether.                      
                                                            
20935 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Peter Wilkins            



Said the careful Viscountess of Raleigh,                    
"In this weather it's simply a folly                        
For a young English lass                                    
To get laid in the grass,                                   
Without good rubber boots and a brolly."  (umbrella)        
                                                            
20936 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Armand E Singer       142



There's a frigid young lady of Smyrna                       
Who will not be turned on, so to turn her,                  
An importunate squire                                       
Almost set her on fire                                      
By inserting a large bunsen burner.                         
                                                            
20937 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Hugh Oliver         A038B



Her instructions were very explicit,                        
And more than a little illicit:                             
"Please fill up my cunny                                    
With fresh clover honey,                                    
And butter my buns like a biscuit."                         
                                                            
20938 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!                       
You'll never be able to squeeze her.                        
Every penny you pinch,                                      
Buys some sex toys, you Grinch!                             
So that now you'll be able to please her.                   
                                                            
20939 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



A full-armored knight screwed Miss Keyser;                  
She said that this did not surprise her,                    
For his act was well-meant,                                 
But he was not a gent,                                      
For he failed to uncover his visor.                         
                                                            
20940 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Albin Chaplin   3024-0716



In cold truth, I just can't escape;                         
My finances are in bad shape.                               
Viagra's run short                                          
And I've had to resort                                      
To popsicle sticks and duct tape.                           
                                                            
20941 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Observer                 



But so far I've had no complaint,                           
Nor suffered from undue constraint,                         
Although truth be known,                                    
At time I am prone                                          
To feel just a little to faint!                             
                                                            
20942 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Observer                 



I can see no ingernal obstruction                           
To near-future noctural seduction.                          
Let your lover apply                                        
A good "hot lips" supply,                                   
A sweet vacuum, of genital suction.                         
                                                            
20943 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Ward Hardman             



Find a maiden fair, bright, and still young,                
On your mate-questing journey far-flung.                    
Tell her you're a Druid                                     
Who'll squirt sacred fluid                                  
In white arabesques on her tongue.                          
                                                            
20944 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Ward Hardman             



The hot slippery seed you disgorge,                         
She can thirstily right then engorge,                       
Then she'll hand you her teat                               
Saying "Bon appetit!"                                       
And quite soon a fine love you will forge.                  
                                                            
20945 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Ward Hardman             



While curled up under the duvet,                            
Olga murmured, "Hmm, this is groovy.                        
A limerick with a blanket                                   
Meant that I could just wank it,                            
But no restrictions on duvet this new way.                  
                                                            
20946 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  FCA                      



There was a young lady named Hall                           
Who dated a shoemaker Paul.                                 
His last she got first,                                     
With his tongue interspersed,                               
And the heel finished off with his awl.                     
                                                            
20947 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Albin Chaplin   3024-0706



The coveted Duchess Award                                   
Was won by a man who was bored,                             
And he sharpened his teeth,                                 
Ate a whore underneath,                                     
Then he finished her off with his sword.                    
                                                            
20948 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Albin Chaplin   3024-2850



"Is it true that you frolic in Jello?"                      
My fat ugly boss used to bellow.                            
If he tries any tricks,                                     
Or gelatinous licks,                                        
I'll cut the balls off that fat fellow.                     
                                                            
20949 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Sweet Young Thang        



Is it true that you frolic in Jello?                        
It's far better to find a young fellow.                     
Certainly it's true,                                        
They're much firmer, too,                                   
And you don't have to scrub off the yellow!                 
                                                            
20950 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Ginger Lee Innbed        



No, although Mary has said                                  
That a mere surface grinding by Fred                        
Leaves her unsatisfied,                                     
So she'd like to be tried                                   
By a vertical grinder instead.                              
                                                            
20951 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



"Where's Mary?" asked Fred, "I can't find 'er."             
"At Tom's," said his friend, "since he's kinder;            
It's none of my biz,                                        
But Mary likes his                                          
Reciprocal grinder behind 'er!"                             
                                                            
20952 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



A Cylindrical Grinder named Mark,                           
With his tool went in search of a spark.                    
He wanted a snug,                                           
Tight fit for his plug,                                     
Which he found in his old buddy Clark.                      
                                                            
20953 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



The repose that enclosed Alabama                            
Was disturbed by the ear-splitting clamor                   
Of a maid being laid,                                       
With the violent aid                                        
Of a hit on the clit with a hammer.                         
                                                            
20954 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Hugh Oliver         A011A



In the summer, a woman, Roseanne                            
Really sweats when she's humping her man.                   
But she isn't a fool,                                       
For she keeps herself cool                                  
Just by fucking in front of a fan.                          
                                                            
20955 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Cap'n Bean               



Is it true that you frolic with Jello?                      
Applying it by use of a bellow?                             
You must understand,                                        
It might feel quite grand,                                  
But this nonsense must stop, my good fellow!                
                                                            
20956 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Oxymorongal              



"Is it true that you frolic with Jello?"                    
"Yes, I am that same kinky fellow.                          
Why would I hide it?                                        
If you've never tried it -                                  
You've never really been mellow."                           
                                                            
20957 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Ogden Nield              



A girl from the small isle of Easter                        
Attracted him, with her cute keester.                       
He could not penetrate                                      
This potential mate,                                        
Until he got wise and then greased her.                     
                                                            
20958 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Tom Patton          P9602



There was a young man of Calcutta,                          
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,                       
"If her Bartholin glands                                    
Don't respond to my hands,                                  
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."                     
                                                            
20959 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                      L0015



There once was a shepherd from Wheeling,                    
Whose sheep gave him a special feeling.                     
To elevate this love,                                       
To the heavens above,                                       
He put mirrors on the bedroom ceiling.                      
                                                            
20960 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Jim Weaver Collection    



This lurker referred to as Judah,                           
Broke into my house, an intrudah!                           
She wasn't that gentle,                                     
But knew tricks oriental,                                   
So I got my sex toys and I screwed ah.                      
                                                            
20961 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  TuttaGioia               



Dynamite, some duct tape and a wok;                         
Halloween mask, a key and a lock;                           
Be creative, I say,                                         
For this Valentine's day;                                   
Don't be logical like Mr. Spock.                            
                                                            
20962 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



There was an old dame of Fort Pierce                        
Whose sexual jollies were fierce,                           
Appertaining to guys                                        
With some kinky supplies,                                   
That would never be offered at Sears.                       
                                                            
20963 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Keith MacMillan     A034C



There was a wise hooker named Mary                          
Whose truck filled with sex aids was scary;                 
Devices from Boston,                                        
From Frisco, from Austin,                                   
From Newport to old Tucumcari.                              
                                                            
20964 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Armand E Singer       674



An old window washer named Luigi                            
Was screwing a lady from Figi.                              
When she started to sweat,                                  
He said, "Hold it, my pet,"                                 
And squished off the sweat with his squeegee.               
                                                            
20965 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Albin Chaplin 3024  G0646



Old camp beds are dangerous things                          
For romantic and passionate flings,                         
'Cause they tend to fold up                                 
With a snap as you tup,                                     
And your bollocks get caught in the springs.                
                                                            
20966 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



Well, I wonder, what can you expe't                         
From a bed old and camp just like thet?                     
If one reaches that age                                     
And the desparate stage,                                    
All the same, they just take what they'll get.              
                                                            
20967 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



I used to go camping, oh yes;                               
In shorts and a woggle, no less.                            
The latter I'd wiggle                                       
At Brownies, who'd giggle                                   
But secretly want one I guess.                              
                                                            
20968 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



One day at a jamboree camp                                  
In the light of a flickering lamp                           
Young Sue all a-goggle                                      
Said, "Gimme yer woggle;                                    
My pussy's all soggy and damp."                             
                                                            
20969 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



And honestly what could I say?                              
I did my good deed for the day.                             
If only I knew                                              
What the camp-bed would do                                  
I'd have told her, "Dear Susie, no way."                    
                                                            
20970 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



For just as I had her unskirted,                            
Before I'd a chance to insert it                            
My bollocks got trapped                                     
In the springs as they snapped                              
And the whole bloody camp-bed inverted.                     
                                                            
20971 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



There was an old Scot named MacDilts                        
Whose girl stood high over his kilts.                       
This girl was too tall                                      
And his bed was too small                                   
So he screwed her while standing on stilts.                 
                                                            
20972 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Albin Chaplin   3024-0726



In Key West a man named Mac Dilts                           
Was having his bride 'neath the quilts.                     
A big hurricane blew                                        
And the ocean washed through,                               
So he finished her off while on stilts.                     
                                                            
20973 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Albin Chaplin            



There's a certain young cockster named Sam                  
Who prefers humping girls on the lam(b) --                  
Not poor runaways;                                          
Girls merit his praise                                      
On the fleece of some son of a ram.                         
                                                            
20974 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Armand E Singer       635



Try a little bit of peanut butter,                          
Smear it all over his putter --                             
Add a little grape jelly,                                   
(Don't drip it on his belly!)                               
Just see if that won't make him splutter!                   
                                                            
20975 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



The girls out in far Amarillo                               
Always sleep with their hips on a pillow.                   
They do it, 'tis said,                                      
So when boys jump in bed,                                   
They feel like they're riding a billow.                     
                                                            
20976 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Ed Wolfert          P8304



Though she tried many men in her manor,                     
No man could appease old Miss Banner,                       
Till a plumber named Lew                                    
Shoved a pipe up her flue,                                  
Which he worked with a seven-foot spanner.                  
                                                            
20977 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Albin Chaplin   3024-0730



A couple's in bed with the gal atop                         
And suddenly she makes the fella stop.                      
She lets out a cry,                                         
"Viagra please try;                                         
These Popsicle sticks are a malaprop.                       
                                                            
20978 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Gary Hallock             



When Sally has time for her pleasure,                       
She ties herself up with a tether,                          
Which holds her in limbo,                                   
With legs spread akimbo,                                    
So men can dip in at their leasure.                         
                                                            
20979 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



An old window washer named Luigi                            
Was screwing a lady from Figi.                              
When she started to sweat,                                  
He said, "Hold it, my pet,"                                 
And squished off the sweat with his squeegee.               
                                                            
20980 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Lims For Year - 01       



I know a tall Sunday school teacher,                        
Who wanted to screw the short preacher.                     
She flashed him some thigh,                                 
But her pussy seemed high,                                  
So he stood on a chair just to reach her.                   
                                                            
20981 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



He knows all of your innermost needs;                       
Let him show you his string of large beads;                 
When they're deftly applied,                                
Ma'am your brains will get fried;                           
As you "pop" 'em out into the weeds!                        
(see Lenny Bruce)                                           
20982 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS                           



If she is dressed in leather,                               
And the girl's name is Heather,                             
And if she's not too fast,                                  
And I can make it last,                                     
I'll tickle her ass with a feather.                         
                                                            
20983 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Enema Bandit             



Said Clara, "A water bed's tossier,                         
So that intricate screwing is saucier.                      
It's a sure stimulation                                     
Or erotic sensation,                                        
Were it not that it brings about nausea.                    
                                                            
20984 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Isaac Asimov             



Of a lover she'd often had dreams;                          
A man who could mend all her seams.                         
Make her once again whole,                                  
With a watertight soul,                                     
And be very adept with whipped cream.                       
                                                            
20985 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Madcat                   



It pains me that girls with a brain                         
Will choose from rough sex to abstain;                      
What can give them displeasure                              
Is another man's treasure,                                  
Like the spreader, the whip, and the chain!                 
                                                            
20986 CONGRESS - TECHNIQUE - THINGS  Mark Levy           P9708



There was a young lady named Hilda,                         
Who went for a walk with a builder.                         
He knew that he could,                                      
And he should and he would,                                 
And he did, and it goddamn near killed her.                 
                                                            
20987 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 L0308



Cum Hilde autem ambulat                                     
Homo qui aedificabat                                        
Dixit volebat. Debet et porebat.                            
Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.                          
Sed virginem pine necebat.                                  
                                                            
20988 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 L0309



There was a young man of Khartoum,                          
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.                          
He not only fucked her,                                     
And buggered and sucked her,                                
But left her to pay for the room.                           
                                                            
20989 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 L1187



A highly bored damsel called Brown,                         
Remarked as she laid herself down,                          
"I hate to be doing                                         
This promiscuous screwing,                                  
But what else can you do in this town?"                     
                                                            
20990 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Anon                G0025



On a bridge that went 'cross a ravine,                      
Archibald had been screwing Kathleen.                       
The force of his lunge,                                     
Caused the whole thing to plunge.                           
Worst fucking disaster I've seen.                           
                                                            
20991 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Isaac Asimov             



"I've endured twenty years of bad sex,"                     
Said the wife, "And it really does vex."                    
Laughed the husband, "Well I                                
Am unwilling to try                                         
To upgrade your beaux to MY specs!"                         
                                                            
20992 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             John Miller 0107         



"Upgrading specs? You're so smart!                          
Some wisdom I'd like to impart.                             
I'm Venus, you're Mars.                                     
It's ordained by the stars.                                 
Your love is all science--no art!"                          
                                                            
20993 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Annie Jay                



This really is an old load of crap.                         
"I'm Venus, You're Mars." What a sap!                       
When it comes to the crunch,                                
We all like to munch                                        
On the bits that wobble and flap.                           
                                                            
20994 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Martin Hanna             



"Oh dear! Do you see what I mean?                           
Our separate tastes can be seen.                            
You're munching and crunching;                              
I like elegant lunching                                     
With men who are far less obscene.                          
                                                            
20995 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Annie Jay                



You see, men who do lunch with you                          
Might seem proper and good in your view,                    
But the ones called 'New Man'                               
Have a far better plan                                      
To trick you and get a quick screw.                         
                                                            
20996 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Martin Hanna             



For the warning, I am in your debt.                         
This 'New Man' has no etiquette.                            
He plays tricks to entrap,                                  
Goes home, takes a nap;                                     
Bet he's not even potty-trained yet!                        
                                                            
20997 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Annie Jay                



What, my "love is all science--no art?"                     
Here's a manual on ways of the heart...                     
I'll bet if I look                                          
I can find in this book,                                    
A section that covers that part.                            
                                                            
20998 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             John Miller              



Dear John, it is true what you say.                         
You'll find that and more. Don't delay.                     
Land sake's alive!                                          
Let's do page five,                                         
Gently! Damn book's in the way!                             
                                                            
20999 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Annie Jay                



Page six covers "book in the way,"                          
But I have gone without in my day;                          
By misplacing my glasses                                    
While processing lasses,                                    
And had to procede my own way.                              
                                                            
21000 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             John Miller              



But I must say it's come out all right,                     
Though the job took me half of the night.                   
I passed peer review,                                       
And learned something new:                                  
One can cope if you don't get up-tight.                     
                                                            
21001 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             John Miller              



Some people just never will learn.                          
Their approach will make ladies yearn                       
For a touch that is velvet.                                 
Just one with a helmet                                      
Insures that one will crash and burn.                       
                                                            
21002 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Annie Jay                



A man should be slow, take your time.                       
Bring flowers, recite a love rhyme.                         
It's well worth the wait,                                   
You won't get the gate.                                     
Your reward will sure be sublime.                           
                                                            
21003 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Annie Jay                



Flowers? I'm really not sure.                               
You think it's a good enough lure?                          
The girls that I know                                       
Are the kind that will go                                   
With me, with my mind like a sewer.                         
                                                            
21004 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Martin Hanna             



Stop with the throwing of stones.                           
Enough of the moaning and groans.                           
The girls we all know                                       
Will take any beau,                                         
If he's got all the right pheromones.                       
                                                            
21005 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Mr. Malo                 



A couple were ordered to state                              
The malfunction they had to relate.                         
She said, "He can't wait;                                   
If we couple late,                                          
So I'm primed but I can't terminate."                       
                                                            
21006 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Jim Weaver Collection    



He doesn't mind losing a race,                              
At times, doesn't mind losing face.                         
But, if in midst of a clinch,                               
The phone rings, it's a cinch                               
He's so MAD if he loses his place.                          
                                                            
21007 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Evelyn Bogen        P9701



Though he tried many times, many ways,                      
To fuck his beloved with 'sauvaise',                        
He'd constantly fail                                        
To find the detail                                          
That would send her right off in a blaze.                   
(sauvaise - ??)                                             
21008 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 G0810



In Aussie we quaff a few beers,                             
And head for the girls, not the queers.                     
But when you wake in a state                                
On the bed with your mate,                                  
It's hardly an occasion for cheers.                         
                                                            
21009 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                      



So you've woke, and there with you's a dame;                
A god-awful bitch, what a shame!                            
She looks like a hog,                                       
That's been crossed with a dog,                             
And you don't even know the slut's name.                    
                                                            
21010 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                      



Diseases you've caught beyond measure;                      
You were drunk, so remember no pleasure.                    
Did you have fun?                                           
Don't know what you've done;                                
And you're lumbered with this tarnished treasure.           
                                                            
21011 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                      



She stirs, and sits up by your side.                        
"You were real good last night, ducks," she sighed.         
But you're not impressed                                    
By the hairs on her chest,                                  
It's a bloke in transvestite disguise!                      
                                                            
21012 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                      



A pretentious young man from Nevada                         
Boasted loud to his girl, once he'd hada,                   
"You get only the best!"                                    
But she wasn't impressed                                    
And with irony murmured, "...de nada!"                      
                                                            
21013 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Keith MacMillan     A077A



A shy little thing from Canberra,                           
Decided that sex was an error.                              
It scared her to bits,                                      
It drove her to fits,                                       
But she did it--in fear and in terror.                      
                                                            
21014 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Isaac Asimov             



A shortsighted cave-man named Moke                          
Laid a cave-girl down for a poke.                           
But he couldn't see far                                     
So a fat dinosaur                                           
Finished them off in mid-stroke.                            
                                                            
21015 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Neal Wilgus         P8304



A simple young lady named Mame                              
Had no one but mother to blame.                             
She was taught morals dear,                                 
So she fucked in great fear,                                
And enjoyed it so much, but in shame.                       
                                                            
21016 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Albin Chaplin   3024-2182



There were two young ladies of Claversham,                  
Who allowed two men to ravish 'em.                          
Said May to Elize,                                          
"If we just close our eyes,                                 
We'll imagine they're Hackett and Faversham!"               
(Who are H and F? - McW)                                    
21017 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 L1254



Two nudists riding a horse                                  
Knocked over a bottle of sauce.                             
It splattered their faces                                   
And lodged in rude places;                                  
Now I guess they can't have intercourse.                    
                                                            
21018 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Craig Whitchurch         



There once was an odious brute                              
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.                      
The result, as you'd guess,                                 
Was a wet sticky mess,                                      
And a very chafed maiden, to boot.                          
                                                            
21019 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Isaac Asimov             



Said a floundering fellow named Manion,                     
As he fucked with his lady companion,                       
"I've had better, I think.                                  
When I pulled on my dink,                                   
On a trip to the depths of Grand Canyon.                    
                                                            
21020 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Albin Chaplin   3024-0531



Young Inga I courted "am Main"                              
'Till her mom on the sheets saw a stain.                    
Then her dad (the damn Nazi)                                
Said "Go get some Schatzie,                                 
You'll not see my daughter again!"                          
                                                            
21021 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                      



They screwed 'mid a thunderstorm frightening                
And just as their tensions were heightening,                
CER-RACK!  They were struck;                                
Fused together mid-fuck,                                    
In flagrante delicto by lightning.                          
                                                            
21022 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Peter Wilkins            



It's been asked, what is the fascination,                   
More precisely, where's the stimulation?                    
It's not meant to perplex,                                  
But when folks "have 'like' sex,"                           
Is that then just a mere simulation?                        
                                                            
21023 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



"I wonder why romance is dead                               
And buried?" thought gentleman Fred;                        
"I wonder why screwing                                      
Is better than wooing,                                      
For getting young girls into bed?"                          
                                                            
21024 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Peter Wilkins            



"I'd rather the thrill of the chase,                        
The kiss and the final embrace;                             
The tentative fumble...                                     
But I guess I can't grumble,"                               
Thought Fred as he bounced up on Grace.                     
                                                            
21025 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Peter Wilkins            



And Grace thought, "Well, romance is dead.                  
But not nearly as dead as Fred.                             
He's bouncing up there,                                     
But damn, it ain't fair,                                    
That there is no prick in this bed.                         
                                                            
21026 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Marlene Lewis            



There was a young lady whose twat                           
Her lover could never make hot.                             
Said she, as his javelin                                    
Ripped into her ravelin',                                   
"I hope you have fun, 'cause I'm not."                      
                                                            
21027 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 G0212



A farm girl by name of Lupescu                              
Was laid by some lad in the fescue;                         
She yelled and she screamed                                 
And goddamn near creamed,                                   
But nobody came to her rescue.                              
                                                            
21028 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Armand E Singer       198



There once was a girl from Sri Lanka,                       
Who had an affair with a banker.                            
He had the gall                                             
When he made his withdrawl,                                 
And didn't even bother to thank 'er.                        
                                                            
21029 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Tim Robinson             



A financial advisor named Flynn                             
Said investment in sex is a sin.                            
Your substantial accretion                                  
Will suffer depletion                                       
For you never get out what went in.                         
                                                            
21030 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Albin Chaplin   3024-2573



Said a woman from Richmond, Virginia,                       
"I'd be rich if I only were skinnia.                        
If I lost thirty pounds,                                    
The boys would have grounds,                                
To say, 'How I'd pay to be inia.'"                          
                                                            
21031 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Isaac Asimov             



Buddies Jason and Josh just got paid.                       
"Let's go out, get drunk, and get laid."                    
What they both needed fast                                  
Was a sweet piece of ass.                                   
These guys knew that they both had it made.                 
                                                            
21032 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             FB                       



Jason picked up a street whore,                             
Whose name was Pussy Galore.                                
He was just a young punk                                    
Who had gotten too drunk.                                   
Three days later, his dick was real sore.                   
                                                            
21033 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             FB                       



Young Josh woke up with a fat slut,                         
With stretch marks all over her gut.                        
Big sweaty thighs,                                          
Saggy tits, jumbo size,                                     
And a huge floppy cellulite butt.                           
                                                            
21034 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             FB                       



So be careful, young men when you drink.                    
"I can handle it", is what you think.                       
It's really a drag                                          
After screwing a hag.                                       
Now quick, wash your dick in the sink.                      
                                                            
21035 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             FB                       



In the soap-operas heard in Gomorrah,                       
The heroine wakes up in horror,                             
To find that a prick,                                       
Nearly three inches thick,                                  
Is halfway up her tune-in-tomorrow.                         
                                                            
21036 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 L1653



Sex prime and sex squared and Sexetera,                     
Of these, some are the bettera.                             
But few of the many                                         
Are worse than not any,                                     
And sad are the ones who don't gettera.                     
                                                            
21037 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 G2731



I traveled to far distant shores                            
And met a young girl named Dolores.                         
She saw me well fed,                                        
And took me to bed,                                         
Then kept me awake with her snores.                         
                                                            
21038 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Bob Hunt                 



Well, I laid there and twiddled her twat,                   
And gave the job all that I've got.                         
Yet my trusty repeater                                      
Somehow couldn't heat her,                                  
Though I worked on that hole quite a lot.                   
                                                            
21039 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 G2224



A couple named Linda and Nick                               
Had shortcomings that made them both sick.                  
He expressed his disgust                                    
With her tiny bust,                                         
And she with his miniscule dick.                            
                                                            
21040 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Wiley                    



She begged and she pleaded for more.                        
I said, "We've already had four,                            
And I'm sure that you've heard,                             
Though it's somewhat absurd,                                
That Eros spelled backwards is sore."                       
                                                            
21041 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                      



"Oh Sidney, my dearest .."  "Eh, what?"                     
"I'm feeling - you know .."  "Well I'm not."                
"But Sidney .."  "Oh, jeeze."                               
"Won't you give me a squeeze?"                              
"No I won't, so quit bugging me Dot."                       
                                                            
21042 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Peter Wilkins            



"But Sidney .." <nudge nudge> "Go to sleep."                
"I want you inside me; like deep."                          
"Tough titties, I'm tired."                                 
"But I thought you desired                                  
Me."  "Stop bleating, you sound like a sheep."              
                                                            
21043 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Sidney .."  "For heaven's sake, Dot;                    
Stop whining!"  "But Sidney, I'm hot.                       
I need the delights                                         
Of my conjugal rights..."                                   
"Oh for fuck's sake then -- diddle your twat."              
                                                            
21044 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Peter Wilkins            



A curious old maid named McKesson,                          
Walked in while a man was undressin'.                       
Said he with a sneer,                                       
As he came in her ear,                                      
"I guess that'll teach you a lesson.                        
                                                            
21045 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 G1418



There was a young fellow named Hyde,                        
Who took a girl out for a ride.                             
He mucked up her fuck-hole,                                 
And fucked up her muck-hole,                                
And charged her two dollars besides.                        
                                                            
21046 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 L1182



There once was a passel of Negroes                          
In the land where the coconut tree grows.                   
Said one, "I must say,                                      
After fucking all day,                                      
I find that my sense of fatigue grows."                     
                                                            
21047 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY                                 G2715



A young man who was from Kansas City                        
Found sex quite a bore. "It's a pity,"                      
Said he, shaking his fist,                                  
"That the women insist.                                     
I am punished for being so pretty."                         
                                                            
21048 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Isaac Asimov             



An ill-advised salesman named Wade,                         
Made a stop in Kentucky and played,                         
With a girl in the hay                                      
Till he heard someone say,                                  
"Step aside, Sis," and "Mistah, youh daid!"                 
                                                            
21049 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             John Ciardi              



Kaye, while a teacher at work,                              
Made love to a thankless young jerk.                        
Forbidden her bail,                                         
Her ass rots in jail,                                       
For providing this very fine perq.                          
                                                            
21050 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             The Sailor          P0306



Have you heard about Mrs. Cotell?                           
She checked in the Eden Motel,                              
For a blissful weekend,                                     
With the friend of a friend,                                
But when she got home, she caught Hell.                     
                                                            
21051 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             John Ciardi              



I'm lost in the depths of your eyes;                        
I sigh for your golden-brown thighs;                        
I'll love you forever                                       
And ever, sweet...Trevor!?                                  
Good grief, what a ghastly surprise!                        
                                                            
21052 CONGRESS - UNHAPPY             Peter Wilkins            



The wife of the raider Von Luckner                          
Admitted her husband was stuckner.                          
She oft went to sea with him                                
In order to be with him,                                    
And to give him the pleasure of fuckner.                    
                                                            
21053 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                  G0218



A newlywed man of Racine                                    
Made fucking a daily routine.                               
Many times he would lay                                     
Through the night and the day,                              
And his dinner he ate in between.                           
                                                            
21054 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1290



A Puritan looked at his yard                                
And beckoned his bride to regard.                           
"It's not sin to employ it,                                 
Just sin to enjoy it.                                       
Between us it's awfully hard."                              
                                                            
21055 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Lawrence Perrine    P9409



There once was a two-husband wife,                          
Who was leading a bi-coastal life.                          
Each guy was a treasure                                     
Which doubled her pleasure,                                 
But tripled her marital strife.                             
(ad for the movie "Having It All" with Dyan Cannon)         
21056 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                  P8212



The Whipples who dropped in to call                         
Asked to borrow a room down the hall...                     
For one hour to the minute                                  
He's been on her and in it,                                 
And we're getting damn bored with it all!                   
                                                            
21057 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Grand Prix Lim  542      



There was an old burglar named Fife,                        
Who found burgling the joy of his life.                     
When he entered the house                                   
Through the bedroom, the louse                              
Scared the owner half out of his wife.                      
                                                            
21058 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Dunn                         
Whose wife was a real honey bun.                            
They'd sleep through the night,                             
Clasped desperately tight,                                  
Till wakened next morn by the sun.                          
                                                            
21059 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer        62



Avoid SCISSION and marital strife,                          
By not leaving the cleaning to wife.                        
Smile you will see                                          
And tool used to pee                                        
Will discover it has a new life.                            
                                                            
21060 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Esther                   



For a scrupulous bride of Cape Breton,                      
An engagement of teasin' and pettin'                        
So whetted her lust                                         
That, when wedded, she just                                 
Couldn't wait to begin the begettin'.                       
                                                            
21061 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Keith MacMillan       25a



Reveille invoked the crack of Dawn.                         
A spread of legs followed a yawn.                           
A comatose lay;                                             
First light of day;                                         
Left her in bed.  To work I've gone.                        
                                                            
21062 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Christopher Kraft        



I know something 'bout Chris's wife;                        
Her embouchure's on Major's fife.                           
He squirts and she blows;                                   
Infected juice flows,                                       
Passing on Chris's dose, that lowlife!                      
                                                            
21063 CONGRESS - WEDDED              RanDog                   



A major attached to the corps                               
Found his pecker exceedingly sore.                          
His tool he inspected;                                      
"My God!  I'm infected!                                     
But was it my wife or my whore?"                            
                                                            
21064 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Christopher Kraft        



Or maybe the young bugle boy,                               
Whose ass I've been known to employ.                        
Or the regiment's goat,                                     
That's oft felt my choat,                                   
Or the sheep that were acting so coy.                       
                                                            
21065 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Christopher Kraft        



With the winter time comes, lots of snow,                   
And nights when it's forty below.                           
But I'll never worry;                                       
For to bed I will scurry;                                   
And cuddle with Hubby, you know.                            
                                                            
21066 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A lecherous lawyer named Drury                              
Once raped some poor girl in his fury.                      
But he married the lass                                     
To get legalized ass --                                     
Not simply de facto, de jure.                               
                                                            
21067 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       336



True love is reciprocal feeling,                            
Not one in which there is kneeling.                         
If one lover says Yea,                                      
And the other says Nay,                                     
There is certain to be double dealing.                      
                                                            
21068 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Laurence Perrine    P9307



A young southern lady, Miss Muller,                         
Eloped with a gentleman of color.                           
She said, "Please keep it dark,                             
But this isn't a lark--                                     
My doughnut's just right for his cruller."                  
                                                            
21069 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                  G0703



To his bride said the groom, Mr. Bowles,                    
"In your life you will find many shoals.                    
To avoid any bind,                                          
It is best, you will find,                                  
That we give equal time to all holes."                      
                                                            
21070 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0906



A sex-rabid lad in South Fundy                              
Who had his wife daily and Sunday,                          
Said to her in high glee,                                   
"That's the Sunday one, see?                                
And tomorrow.,..Ho Ho...will be Monday!"                    
                                                            
21071 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Grand Prix Lim  559      



A proper young maid from Japan                              
Once opened her legs for a man.                             
The action completed,                                       
She often repeated.                                         
Thank God she'd first married the man!                      
                                                            
21072 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Laurence Perrine    P9407



Till explained by that wise Dr. X,                          
What did grandmama know about sex?                          
And poor grandfather too,                                   
Did he know what to do?                                     
Or, when at it, forsee its effects?                         
                                                            
21073 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                  G0233



Asked the heart attack victim named Fife,                   
"Will intercourse shorten my life?"                         
"Not a bit," said the doc,                                  
"You will suffer no shock                                   
As long as you fuck with your wife."                        
                                                            
21074 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8305



This time, 'bout a quarter past three,                      
My wife's body pressed up against me.                       
My desire I'm showing,                                      
But she thinks it's annoying.                               
And yells, "Get out of bed and go pee!"                     
                                                            
21075 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Da Homer                 



A grateful old husband named Bruhl                          
Admits that his wife's a real jewel;                        
He gets it each night                                       
Without the least fight,                                    
And seven times extra at Yule.                              
                                                            
21076 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       329



"My wife calls me horny," said Fenster;                     
"It's what I do best that's incensed her;                   
No wonder my Frau                                           
Is sore at me now;                                          
She fears that I'll hold it against her."                   
                                                            
21077 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       581



An old mattress salesman named Deex                         
Of his honeymoon longingly speaks,                          
"We were in such a state,"                                  
He said, "We couldn't wait                                  
To get to Warm Springs for two weeks."      (GA)            
                                                            
21078 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Bob Giandomenico    P8805



The intelligent newlyweds, Lee,                             
Sensed the future had no guarantee.                         
They faced life, but on guard;                              
They both knew 'twould be hard,                             
But they knew not how long it would be.                     
                                                            
21079 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0241



There was a young fellow named Ken,                         
The sweetest and gentlest of men.                           
When his wife, in the night,                                
Would awake in a fright,                                    
He would soothe her and screw her again.                    
                                                            
21080 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Isaac Asimov             



I'm stuffed full of the Christmas grub;                     
Also had a pint at the pub.                                 
But what I like best                                        
Was the afternoon rest,                                     
And shagging my wife in the tub.                            
                                                            
21081 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Funny Bone               



A passionate fellow named Nicky                             
Found marriage to be a bit sticky.                          
At the end of the week                                      
He was up to his peak,                                      
But his wife merely wanted a quickie.                       
                                                            
21082 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0279



From his wife, a young fellow named Jack                    
Got much more than a fair share of flak.                    
So he said, "You know what,                                 
If it weren't for your twat,                                
I would leave you and never come back."                     
                                                            
21083 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0215



While sitting there spinning his dreidel,                   
Reuben's new bride said "I've played al-                    
ong with your whims,                                        
Put on this slip worn in gyms,                              
But I not pour on oil with that ladle!"                     
(dreidel - a four-sided top for children)                   
21084 CONGRESS - WEDDED              H Myers             T9712



A frustrated fellow named Chase                             
Had nothing to say to wife Grace                            
For three decades or so --                                  
But his family did grow                                     
For he only was mad at her face.                            
                                                            
21085 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0081



Said a canny young groom, Henry Morse                       
(Though his conduct not all will endorse):                  
"My bride gets no dinner  (Refused his wife dinner)         
Before I get in her;      (Before he got in her;)           
If she's weak, it will take much less force."               
(His reasoning, heart before course.)                       
21086 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       517



Their first night was simply magic                          
For it to end seemed tragic                                 
Bess was sated                                              
Horatio, elated                                             
Years later they'd look back, lethargic                     
                                                            
21087 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Boshun                       
Whose wife did not have much devotion.                      
And though he got above her,                                
He did not really love her;                                 
He went through the mechanical motion.                      
                                                            
21088 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin            



A cynical swinger named Lee                                 
Said, "Marriage seems stupid to me;                         
I think most would allow                                    
Only fools buy a cow,                                       
When you get what you want from it free."                   
                                                            
21089 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer        42



An overrushed husband named Corning                         
Could not get it up in the morning.                         
He figured, "I guess                                        
If I'm to tumesce,                                          
My wife needs to give me more warning."                     
                                                            
21090 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       353



Attached to his mother was Rand;                            
She catered to his every demand.                            
And she stood by his side                                   
When he fucked with his bride;                              
She was there to hold on to his hand.                       
                                                            
21091 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2245



There was a young fellow named Winkle                       
For whom a new ray once did twinkle.                        
With his wife he was bored,                                 
She'd been fully explored,                                  
But he looked and he found a new wrinkle.                   
                                                            
21092 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0782



A hillbilly from West Virginia,                             
Married a nice girl from Kenya.                             
Said, "My prejudiced Dad                                    
Should surely be mad,                                       
But I can't tell the difference when in ya!"                
                                                            
21093 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



"I am not sleeping in a twin bed!"                          
Freddy said, "The mere mention I dread...                   
I commute for days, Sue,                                    
But I won't for nights too.                                 
For in one week of that I'd be dead!"                       
                                                            
21094 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Grand Prix Lim  628      



Thanksgiving Day is my favorite,                            
And turkey stuffing? I savor it.                            
But the love of my life                                     
Is stuffing my wife!                                        
(But I probably shouldn't belabor it!)                      
                                                            
21095 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Shakes Younger Bro  T9711



"Sex," groused a woman named Bright,                        
"Is something real hard to get right;                       
For me, once or twice                                       
A month is quite nice,                                      
But he loves to do it each night!"                          
                                                            
21096 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       843



Now a fellow we know down at Blighted,                      
With the girls he'd get very delighted,                     
Till a Doctor at Fife                                       
Said, "Have sex with your wife.                             
I don't want you to get very excited."                      
                                                            
21097 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Clarence Boyle      P8412



A husband deprived was young Rand;                          
His wife took a most stubborn stand.                        
She doled out his pleasure                                  
Every month in small measure.                               
He fell madly in love with his hand.                        
                                                            
21098 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1892



New bed springs for Grady McCready!                         
The eighth time this year and old Grady                     
Piles in the back yard                                      
Each added discard...                                       
Well, he still hasn't worn out his lady!                    
                                                            
21099 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Grand Prix Lim  799      



Admitted a smiling George Bright,                           
"I know you could say I'm up tight;                         
My good wife, do you hear,                                  
Gives me sex once a year --                                 
Not good, but tonight is the night!"                        
                                                            
21100 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer        41



I met my new love on the net;                               
He, for a change, love's to pet.                            
My new husbands better,                                     
'Cause he makes me wetter,                                  
And he keeps me orgasming, you bet!                         
                                                            
21101 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young couple named Pitt                         
Who never had argued a bit.                                 
But it was not all bliss,                                   
There was something amiss                                   
And between them a permanent split.                         
                                                            
21102 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0580



I once knew a woman named Nell,                             
And I guess I was under her spell.                          
We rented a room                                            
Just like bride and groom,                                  
And then, we just played show and tell.                     
                                                            
21103 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Al Willis           P9507



Once we'd both signed the detailed pre-nup,                 
My fiancee hoisted her cup.                                 
"This gives me delight,                                     
For on our wedding night,                                   
I'll know quite precisely what's up."                       
                                                            
21104 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Norm Storer         P9806



If I had a girl named Delores.                              
I'd build a big house in the forest,                        
We'd make love every night,                                 
Under twinkling moonlight,                                  
And oh, what a family'd florish!                            
                                                            
21105 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A woman from southern Banquillo                             
Calls her husband an old armadillo:                         
His prick is so rough,                                      
And his manner so bluff,                                    
When he's finished, she hardly can pee-o!                   
                                                            
21106 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                  G0517



To everyone, we must be attentive,                          
But marriage-same-sex lacks incentive.                      
But it is a New-Age,                                        
So good luck to the Sage.                                   
Hope Wumpus is not anal-retentive.                          
                                                            
21107 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



If my wife you were to ask,                                 
About how I do the task,                                    
She'd say with a sigh,                                      
"Oh What a guy!"                                            
And in her satisfaction, she'd bask.                        
                                                            
21108 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Chris Tustin             



Wheeler, an eeler from Ealing,                              
Was adept at providing such feeling,                        
That his pretty wife Fleur,                                 
When he ministered to her,                                  
Had to be scraped off the ceiling.                          
                                                            
21109 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Waite           P9303



Advice to young ladies that foam,                           
When husbands have started to roam:                         
You'll find men do not care                                 
To seek love anywhere,                                      
When they get a good screwing at home.                      
                                                            
21110 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2049



A marriage is not simply luck;                              
If you plan, you will never be stuck.                       
At first what you do                                        
Is to learn how to screw,                                   
And later you learn how to fuck.                            
                                                            
21111 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2171



There was an old man named McEwen,                          
Who always believed in his screwing.                        
He had had three wives,                                     
And came down with hives,                                   
And screwin' was almost his ruin.                           
                                                            
21112 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Joe McEwen          P9209



I know a young man from Chicago,                            
Who, when horny, loved screwing a taco.                     
Flying lettuce and cheese                                   
Brought the man to his knees;                               
The wedding takes place at Lake Tahoe.                      
                                                            
21113 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A short peckered fellow named Gene                          
Had failed in his fucking routine.                          
Said his wife in dismay,                                    
"Though I'm spread night and day,                           
I don't get any fun in between."                            
                                                            
21114 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0166



There once was a young man named Jack,                      
Who loved jumping into the sack,                            
For there was his wife,                                     
The love of his life,                                       
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.                     
                                                            
21115 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Coops                    



A certain smug preacher named Rigg                          
(Incredibly godawful prig),                                 
while humping his Frau                                      
Would lecture her how                                       
Her moans showed a sin-ridden pig.                          
                                                            
21116 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       610



With increasingly throbbing delight                         
Your caresses will set me alight;                           
And I'll soon reach the peak                                
That I eagerly seek,                                        
Then I'll snore for the rest of the night.                  
                                                            
21117 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Peter Wilkins            



A much divorced actor named Tree                            
Craved humping so long as it's free.                        
He so greatly loved sex                                     
From his number one ex --                                   
He scarcely missed two, four, or three.                     
                                                            
21118 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       241



A fellow from far Umatilla                    (OR)          
Wanted a sexual thilla.                                     
He added catharides                                         
To his wife's Wheaties.                                     
That morning's screw was a thrilla.                         
                                                            
21119 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Larry Davis         P8805



As a lad watched the groom kiss and vow,                    
He pondered the why and the how.                            
He'd figured it proudly,                                    
So he inquired quite loudly:                                
"Is he spreading the pollen right now?"                     
                                                            
21120 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Jane D. Hughes      P9202



You might think I'm over the hill,                          
But can still give my wife a big thrill.                    
It's six inches by three -                                  
"Give me more", is her plea,                                
As I hand her a ten-dollar bill!                            
                                                            
21121 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                       



I'll say a kind word about marriage.                        
It's something I'd never disparage.                         
You get lots of sex,                                        
But it has some effects.                                    
I just bought my third baby carriage.                       
                                                            
21122 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Al Willis           P9712



There was a young fellow named Goring,                      
Who used his own wife for his whoring.                      
When they said, "Thrice a nighting                          
Must be quite exciting?"                                    
She replied, "It's excessively boring."                     
                                                            
21123 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                  G0083



There once was a man named Fred Fearly,                     
Who loved his wife very dearly.                             
At first they fucked daily,                                 
Both lewdly and gaily;                                      
Now he's lucky to fuck her twice yearly.                    
                                                            
21124 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Phred                    



Said a hipshot young bride of Atlantic,                     
"This fucking is driving me frantic.                        
I hate to disparage                                         
The sex side of marriage,                                   
But a whole night of cock's unromantic."                    
                                                            
21125 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                  G0009



One night, Maw shouted Fuck You to Paw;                     
Fuck You Too shouted Paw back to Maw.                       
After minutes of thought,                                   
Said Ma, quite distraught,                                  
I don't like oral sex anymore!                              
                                                            
21126 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Friar                    



The professer, with ample proportions,                      
Loves screwin' while doin' contortions.                     
Said his wife, "Watch my head,                              
And don't DARE break the bed,                               
Or your prick will be thick with distortions!"              
                                                            
21127 CONGRESS - WEDDED                                       



Said a canny old husband named Hind,                        
"Yeah, I stay close to home; I'm not blind;                 
For I know that I'm right,                                  
If you're out of their sight,                               
You're sure as hell out of their mind!"                     
                                                            
21128 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Armand E Singer       291



There once was a man named Sherman,                         
Whose bed was infested with vermin.                         
His wife he would fuck                                      
Amidst maggots and muck;                                    
He said it felt good when she's squirming.                  
                                                            
21129 CONGRESS - WEDDED              Puff Adder               



Please somebody, give me a break.                           
The limericks you want are hard to make.                    
We're used to insulting                                     
Or downright revolting,                                     
Not Valentines, flowers and cake.                           
                                                            
21130 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Arden                    



I've stuck with you for twenty-five years,                  
And I've had it right up to my ears,                        
Which have taken to twitching                               
Because of your bitching;                                   
When I leave you, I break out in cheers.                    
                                                            
21131 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Arden                    



I've had twenty-five years of your crap,                    
And I wish you would button your trap.                      
Though you've nothing to say,                               
You rant on anyway,                                         
Till I want to disfigure your map.                          
                                                            
21132 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Arden                    



As we enter our twenty-fifth year,                          
You're wellspring of all I hold dear.                       
As the years rush on by,                                    
My heart tells me why                                       
You're the one that I always want near.                     
                                                            
21133 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Arden                    



My sweetheart, it's been twenty-five years                  
Since the day filled with laughter and tears.               
Husband and wife                                            
For the rest of my life,                                    
Through joy, sorrow, closeness and fears.                   
                                                            
21134 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Arden                    



There's nothing that I would have changed;                  
My life I would not rearrange.                              
I'm sticking with you                                       
Like some Krazy Glue,                                       
Deleriously, happily deranged!                              
                                                            
21135 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Arden                    



"Save pennies," they said, "for a year                      
One each time you make love to your dear.                   
And then take one out                                       
For each subsequent bout;                                   
'Twill be years before all disappear."                      
                                                            
21136 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



Well, I tell you that gang was all wrong;                   
And it didn't take us all that long.                        
What we had put in                                          
Went for whisky and gin.                                    
And the need for that money was strong!                     
                                                            
21137 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



Ther was a young fellow named Fyfe,                         
Whose marriage was ruined for life,                         
For he had an aversion                                      
To every perversion,                                        
And only liked screwing his wife.                           
                                                            
21138 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



Well, one year the poor woman struck,                       
And she wept, and cursed at her luck.                       
"Oh, where has it gotten us                                 
This goddamn monotonous                                     
Fuck after fuck after fuck?"                                
                                                            
21139 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



While fucking one night, Dr. Zuck,                          
His wife's nipples in his ears stuck.                       
Then, his thumb up her bum,                                 
He could hear himself come,                                 
Thus inventing the Radio Fuck.                              
                                                            
21140 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         L0365



Then on further experiment bent,                            
An improvement he thought he'd invent:                      
With his prick as conductor,                                
Combed her bush while he fucked her,                        
And his balls shot off sparks when she spent.               
                                                            
21141 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         L0366



Dr. Zuck then went out on the street,                       
To feel the first girl he might meet.                       
And he knew that he'd made her                              
With his sexual radar,                                      
But somehow it seemed incomplete.                           
                                                            
21142 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Neal Wilgus         P8211



So he invented a matter transmitter                         
And any size cunt, he could fit her.                        
But he injured his dong                                     
When the setting were wrong                                 
And his girl friend was killed when he split her.           
                                                            
21143 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Neal Wilgus         P8211



Last night, after marital flack,                            
We cussed as we head for the sack.                          
Don't know what took place                                  
But there's hair on my face,                                
And she's nursing bite marks on her back.                   
                                                            
21144 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Cubbie                   



I think you forgot how to do it.                            
Take heart, there is not much to it.                        
You don't fuss and fight                                    
When you bed down at night.                                 
If you want, I can talk you two through it.                 
                                                            
21145 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Jeanie                   



Is Jeanie a voyeur?  I think so.                            
She want to watch you have a go.                            
She'll offer advice                                         
And say, "That looks nice!"                                 
While she videotapes the whole show.                        
                                                            
21146 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Squat                    



No, I'm just a budding director,                            
Not a bedroom activity inspector.                           
He was a little perplexed                                   
And a tad undersexed.                                       
I'm just helping him get to the nectar.                     
                                                            
21147 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Jeanie                   



I wonder what my wife will want tonight;                    
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?                     
I wonder can she tell                                       
That I've been raising hell;                                
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?                 
                                                            
21148 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         L0106



My wife is just as nice as nice can be,                     
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me,                 
For an afternoon of joy,                                    
Is hell on the old boy.                                     
I wonder what the wife will want tonight.                   
                                                            
21149 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         L0106



There was a young man with a prick                          
Which into his wife he would stick,                         
Every morning and night,                                    
If it stood up all right.                                   
Not a very remarkable trick.                                
                                                            
21150 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         L0082



His wife had a nice little cunt.                            
It was hairy, and soft, and in front.                       
And with which she would fuck him,                          
Thought sometimes she'd suck him,                           
A charming, if commonplace stunt.                           
                                                            
21151 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         L0082



Who's keeping her warm?  I don't know;                      
My wife just won't give a good blow.                        
She must have a hex                                         
'Cause she doesn't like sex,                                
And that is my true tale of woe.                            
                                                            
21152 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



I'm gifted (or cursed) you might say;                       
Lots of hormones, much to my dismay.                        
I don't know what to do;                                    
I just love to screw,                                       
And my wife just won't give it away.                        
                                                            
21153 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



With hormones and nowhere to go                             
Given the chance, I give a good show.                       
I go three times or four,                                   
Then maybe one more,                                        
Depending if I get a good blow.                             
                                                            
21154 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



"Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan,                       
Just now we can't come to the phone;                        
But, just the same,                                         
Leave your number and name,                                 
And message when you hear the tone."                        
(Phone message for Sunday through Friday)                   
21155 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Ed Potts            P8505



"Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan,                       
Just now we won't come to the phone;                        
Though home, what we're doing                               
Is most likely screwing,                                    
So hang up and leave us alone."                             
(Phone message for Saturday!)                               
21156 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Ed Potts            P8505



"Semi-annual, that's my erection."                          
His wife said, "There's just one correction.                
So cease and desist;                                        
Give the words a sharp twist,                               
It's your annual semi-erection."                            
                                                            
21157 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Al Willis                



Her words are so viciously biting,                          
It could lead to marital fighting.                          
If she's in a tiff                                          
Because you're half stiff,                                  
Remind her, she could use tightening.                       
                                                            
21158 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     S C Saint                



My troubles are worse and beyond                            
All the trials which others are fond                        
Of profoundly expressing.                                   
Could it get more distressing?                              
I'm married, you see, to a blonde.                          
                                                            
21159 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     John Miller              



It isn't the things that bring glee                         
To the viewers of sitcom TV.                                
The problem's worse yet;                                    
How bad can it get?                                         
The thing is, she's smarter than me!                        
                                                            
21160 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     John Miller              



I'm another intelligence griever.                           
(And I'm not just talking blond beaver!)                    
It gives me a fright                                        
That I'm not as bright                                      
As my neighbor's golden retriever.                          
                                                            
21161 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES     Irish                    



My cousin's a beauty beyond;                                
A natural, well-endowed blonde.                             
Alas, her old hubby                                         
Is sawed-off and stubby.                                    
Especially small is his wand.                               
                                                            
21162 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



But, out of respect for their marriage,                     
I never critique or disparage.                              
But, send me to hell,                                       
I ever will smell                                           
The laundry she keeps in the garage.                        
                                                            
21163 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                              



As a dentist, he'll say, "Open wide!"                       
And you as his hot, willing bride                           
Will spread your plump thighs                               
Like you did for us guys,                                   
And guide hubby's pecker inside.                            
                                                            
21164 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         G0225



As a plumber, the poor silly fool                           
Will do as he does as a rule:                               
Your show of affection                                      
Should cause an erection,                                   
But you'll find he's forgotten his tool!                    
                                                            
21165 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         G0226



As an ad man, your bridegroom will say,                     
Just before your first church-sanctioned lay,               
On beholding your hole:                                     
"Let's run it up a pole,                                    
And see if a breeze flaps it today."                        
                                                            
21166 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         G0227



As an electrician, young Burkitt                            
Will say with a bit of a smirk, "It                         
Now isn't a sin,                                            
So I going to plug in,                                      
And I hope we don't run a short circuit."                   
                                                            
21167 CONGRESS - WEDDED - SERIES                         G0229



I've heard some great maxims from cops,                     
But this one I judge to be tops:                            
If ever your shot,                                          
Don't worry a lot,                                          
"All bleeding eventually stops."                            
                                                            
21168 COPS AND ROBBERS                                        



The detective is very reflective;                           
Of order he's very protective.                              
On his nerves it will grate                                 
If a picture's not straight.                                
He's the anal retentive detective.                          
                                                            
21169 COPS AND ROBBERS               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0301



You feel smug in your own locality,                         
Sympathize, or profess your neutrality.                     
If some thug claims your space,                             
With a gun in your face,                                    
You'll be screaming for police brutality.                   
                                                            
21170 COPS AND ROBBERS               Ann Gasser          P9406



Said the cops in LA, "Taking care                           
To serve and protect and be fair,                           
New Year's Eve, we retreat                                  
To an underpass street--                                    
That's when Mexicans shoot in the air."                     
                                                            
21171 COPS AND ROBBERS               Martin Wellborn     P9702



Why were cops very quick to surprise                        
Hungry burglars who ate corn and fries?                     
'Cause wherever they'd been,                                
They'd been heard and been seen;                            
Corn has ears and potatoes have eyes.                       
                                                            
21172 COPS AND ROBBERS               Anon                     



A siren proclaims by its blare                              
That officers soon will be there;                           
Upholding the right                                         
With all of their might,                                    
So criminals better beware.                                 
                                                            
21173 COPS AND ROBBERS               R. J. Winkler       P8501



When a cross-eyed detective named Baer                      
Was hired, they say thefts at the fair                      
Were cut nearly in two,                                     
Because nobody knew                                         
When the fellow was looking nor where.                      
                                                            
21174 COPS AND ROBBERS               A. N. Wilkins       P8501



My brother's a natural detective                            
For by nature he's somewhat protective.                     
And he's never been blind                                   
To the criminal mind,                                       
Except when he has an objective.                            
                                                            
21175 COPS AND ROBBERS               Larry Dahl               



Tim's homework was almost all done,                         
And he dialed 1-900 for fun.                                
But this cop on the line                                    
Refused to recline.                                         
Tim dialed it wrong as nine-one-one.                        
                                                            
21176 COPS AND ROBBERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The newest young cop in the squad                           
Has a truly Schwartzeneggeresque bod.                       
When he flexes his delts,                                   
Each policewoman melts,                                     
And the plainclothes dicks all become ha'd.                 
                                                            
21177 COPS AND ROBBERS               Robin K. Willoughby P8501



When I was a teenage milksop,                               
I fancied the life of a cop.                                
But something went wrong,                                   
When I saw my dong;                                         
I knew as a cop I would flop.                               
                                                            
21178 COPS AND ROBBERS               SFA                      



New Year's Eve-ers, lit up like a tree,                     
Drive more safely when cop cars they see.                   
But they're empty!  The cops                                
Are in warm coffee shops,                                   
Dunking doughnuts and sweet rolls (for free!).              
                                                            
21179 COPS AND ROBBERS               William N. Nesbit   P9702



Said our Chief of Police, Simon Lash,                       
"This 'nomen est omen' stuff's trash.                       
Though we do have, of course,                               
Men with names on the force                                 
Such as Rash, Mash, and even one Bash.                      
                                                            
21180 COPS AND ROBBERS               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9406



There once was a night shift detective                      
Whose work proved quite often effective.                    
He'd think of his history                                   
And clear up a mystery                                      
Whenever he got introspective.                              
                                                            
21181 COPS AND ROBBERS               Nicholas Knight          



At a bar I met a real cutie.                                
Her lips and her hips held such beauty.                     
But much to my surprise                                     
She looked straight in my eyes,                             
Saying, "Sir, I'm a cop and on duty."                       
                                                            
21182 COPS AND ROBBERS               Tom Patton          P0302



A bag-lady covered with scuzz,                              
Asked a bum where the grocery store was.                    
Said the bum, an old wino,                                  
"Hell, Toots, dam 'fino,                                    
Ask the guy in the dumpster -- he's fuzz..."                
                                                            
21183 COPS AND ROBBERS               Robin K. Willoughby P8501



To make the whole nation secure                             
Of crime, we must make ourselves pure.                      
Which is just as absurd                                     
As to look for the turd                                     
Of a horse in a pile of manure.                             
                                                            
21184 COPS AND ROBBERS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2293



The thing about Inspector Morse,                            
Is that now he is right back on course.                     
In Provence for a year,                                     
He's revived his career                                     
As the back of a pantomime horse.                           
                                                            
21185 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bill Wall                



Cybil's first personality, in desperation,                  
Threatened other selves with termination.                   
The policeman reporting,                                    
The facts not distorting;                                   
It was a hostage situation.                                 
                                                            
21186 COPS AND ROBBERS               Res Ipsa                 



Our sheriff shot straight and stood tall.                   
His glance caused a silence to fall.                        
His steely blue eye                                         
Killed an incautious fly.                                   
Then he smiled, "Howdy-doody, you-all?"                     
                                                            
21187 COPS AND ROBBERS               Laurence Perrine    P8501



"Is justice," I ask, "truly just?                           
I sometimes think justice is just                           
Revenge in disguise."                                       
Then Echo replies                                           
In a feinting voice, "Justice is just...."                  
                                                            
21188 COPS AND ROBBERS               Laurence Perrine    P8501



We laughed at the Keystone police                           
Who bungled their efforts at peace.                         
They always were flops,                                     
Ridicuous cops,                                             
Whose blunders made nonsense increase.                      
                                                            
21189 COPS AND ROBBERS               R. J. Winkler       P8501



Late in life they had wild daughters three,                 
Who they called Faith, Hope, and Charity.                   
With their figures so neat,                                 
They took to the street;                                    
Each one was a woman p.c.   (police constable)              
                                                            
21190 COPS AND ROBBERS               Arthur Pattaffy          



A lady policeman liked sport;                               
A date meant she'd see you in court.                        
Riding her motorbike,                                       
She was not ladylike.                                       
All the language she'd use was self taught.                 
                                                            
21191 COPS AND ROBBERS               Arthur Pattaffy          



The FBI's latest TOP TEN                                    
And my name is missing again.                               
Each time I complain,                                       
They answer "Insane!"                                       
Or "Sir, leave a clue now and then."                        
                                                            
21192 COPS AND ROBBERS               Irving Superior     P8501



There once lived a youth in Duluth,                         
Who aspired to life as a sleuth.                            
But he soon changed his mind,                               
For it shocked him to find,                                 
The truth is so often uncouth.                              
                                                            
21193 COPS AND ROBBERS               VOL 1                    



At the donut shop sit the police,                           
Eating pastry treats deep fried in grease.                  
Those allergic to donuts                                    
Must quit or else go nuts,                                  
And eventually cyst and decease.                            
                                                            
21194 COPS AND ROBBERS               Jerry Nordal        P0106



There once was an overweight cop,                           
Whose captain commanded him "Stop!"                         
So he did every day,                                        
As he went on his way,                                      
To the neighborhood's fresh donut shop                      
                                                            
21195 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0106



To the lab went the runt Miss Phipps;                       
From whoring she cashed in her chips.                       
It was pilfered en route                                    
By a mailman hirsute,                                       
Who got chancres and sores on the lips.                     
                                                            
21196 COPS AND ROBBERS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0864



A meter maid on duty in Barking,                            
Was a terror to motorists when parking.                     
When parked at a meter,                                     
They often would greet her:                                 
I'm already too late!  You're just larking!                 
                                                            
21197 COPS AND ROBBERS               Arthur Pattaffy          



When last seen on criminal dock,                            
The mountebank announced in shock,                          
That fate was unjust,                                       
But law, if it must                                         
By hick jury, pick pillory stock.                           
                                                            
21198 COPS AND ROBBERS               Chris Papa               



A smart criminal has a film crew,                           
Finds a few bleeding hearts--(one will do).                 
If he screams loud enough,                                  
Moans and groans, does his stuff,                           
He can't help make a million or two.                        
                                                            
21199 COPS AND ROBBERS               Ann Gasser          P9406



Dear Sir, to me you are a stranger.                         
So your life I should not endanger.                         
My husband's a cop.                                         
With words this must stop.                                  
Don't want to see blood in my manger.                       
                                                            
21200 COPS AND ROBBERS                                        



From a bookie who covered his bet,                          
A big loser received this veiled threat:                    
"Pay the money you owe                                      
Or you may come to know                                     
That there's often no life after debt."                     
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21201 COPS AND ROBBERS               William F. Smith    P9108



When bearing your neighbor a grudge                         
And, stubbornly, neither will budge,                        
A punch in the jaw                                          
Is frowned on by law                                        
And hardly wins points from a judge.                        
                                                            
21202 COPS AND ROBBERS               R. J. Winkler       P8501



"Just chasing the drivers who speed                         
Is safer", said Officer Reed,                               
"Than putting out feelers                                   
To capture the dealers                                      
That traffic in cocaine and weed."                          
                                                            
21203 COPS AND ROBBERS               Cap'n Bean               



A private detective named Finnegan                          
Went out of the room and came in again.                     
When they asked where he went,                              
He said, "I lost the scent                                  
And had to go out and come in again."                       
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21204 COPS AND ROBBERS               Violet J. Conover   P9108



We are lucky to still have a few                            
Well-disciplined good guys in blue.                         
If some eggs get nicked,                                    
A few butts get kicked,                                     
They're doing what they're paid to do.                      
                                                            
21205 COPS AND ROBBERS               Ann Gasser          P9406



A cop, with his nightstick held firmly,                     
Wore gloves to stop any germ he                             
Might happen to get                                         
Should his nightstick get wet,                              
And contact a disease -- epidermly.                         
                                                            
21206 COPS AND ROBBERS               Writerman                



Carol has hired a seedy gumshoe                             
To investigate her husband, Lou.                            
"Well, all over town,                                       
I tailed him around.                                        
He seemed to be following you!"                             
                                                            
21207 COPS AND ROBBERS               Tom Accousti             



A gumshoe at his desk, fit to scream,                       
No reputation, no self-esteem.                              
A cute blonde wandered in,                                  
Her perfume it was "Sin".                                   
He said "It's not true, 'tis a dream!"                      
                                                            
21208 COPS AND ROBBERS               Arthur Pattaffy          



The truth is, the psychic detective                         
Is quite useless and ineffective.                           
That crimes are solved by                                   
Such con men, I'll deny.                                    
The evidence for, is defective.                             
                                                            
21209 COPS AND ROBBERS               Alexander baron          



A policewoman caused a sensation                            
By walking nude into the station.                           
But a male cop, erect,                                      
Upstanding, select,                                         
Relieved all by his quick penetration.                      
                                                            
21210 COPS AND ROBBERS               Lance Payne         P8501



Said an arsonist known as St. James:                        
"Though I've never had time to chase dames,                 
In the still of the night                                   
I can still get delight                                     
When I pause to recall my old flames."                      
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21211 COPS AND ROBBERS               Mark Grenier        P9108



When you walk around Kamloops, you pant,                    
For everything there's on a slant;                          
Not a crook in the town,                                    
But with hills up and down,                                 
People try to go straight, but they can't.                  
                                                            
21212 COPS AND ROBBERS               Donald Bishop,Ontario102a



A female flatfoot named Grace,                              
She never had need to use mace.                             
With a thief to restrain,                                   
She would not inflict pain,                                 
But would gently sit down on his face.                      
                                                            
21213 COPS AND ROBBERS               Thomal G. Keller    P9406



There once was a pool-playing star                          
Whose winnings were kept in his car.                        
He was running a rack                                       
When a thief stole his sack,                                
And spent every last cent in a bar!                         
                                                            
21214 COPS AND ROBBERS               Joseph Eldridge          



A cop from the state Arkansas                               
Was seduced by a beautiful haw --  [whore]                  
Just because, so she said,                                  
She felt safer in bed                                       
When she lay in the arms of the law.                        
                                                            
21215 COPS AND ROBBERS               Hugh Oliver         A017A



Unless you can think of a whopper,                          
A lie that will serve as a stopper,                         
You won't, as a rule,                                       
Be able to fool                                             
A semi-intelligent copper.                                  
                                                            
21216 COPS AND ROBBERS               R. J. Winkler       P8501



A Manhattan policeman named Sy,                             
He died without saying goodbye;                             
He would not have guessed                                   
He'd be sent to his rest,                                   
On a day that our planet would cry.                         
                                                            
21217 COPS AND ROBBERS               Cap'n Bean          P0111



The young brigand in training, Jacques Zook,                
Taught to steal by the sheepherder's cook,                  
'Till the others got wise                                   
And got in on the prize.                                    
From then on, he was the shepherd's crook.                  
                                                            
21218 COPS AND ROBBERS               Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



The good of the many's no waste.                            
So what if for one you've a taste.                          
If cops had the might                                       
To shoot 'em on sight,                                      
We'd all be dead fuckers, post haste.                       
                                                            
21219 COPS AND ROBBERS                                        



A policeman of Little Rock, Ark,                            
Although frequently wide of the mark,                       
Has a barrel of fun                                         
With his masculine gun,                                     
As he blasts off his shot in the dark.                      
                                                            
21220 COPS AND ROBBERS               Keith MacMillan     A018B



In a riot a slug struck Ms. Dwyer                           
And the cops quizzed a rube testifier.                      
When they asked, "Was she shot                              
In the fracas or not?",                                     
He answered, "No, about three inches higher."               
                                                            
21221 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Giandomenico    P9406



The cop stopped to tuck in his shirt,                       
Then he whispered, "I hope this won't hurt                  
Your feelings, young miss,                                  
Stated badly like this --                                   
But it seems you've forgotten your skirt."                  
                                                            
21222 COPS AND ROBBERS               Robin K. Willoughby P8501



Detectives frustrated in Natchez!                           
This burglar who liked to snatch snatches,                  
Would latch on the patch                                    
Of each snatch he would catch,                              
But fingerprints, none of them match his.                   
                                                            
21223 COPS AND ROBBERS               Irving Superior     P8501



Remember when you lived in Georgia,                         
How some things there certainly fleorgia?                   
For instance, the sherrif                                   
Could give you a scare if                                   
He got off his horse and came teorgia!                      
                                                            
21224 COPS AND ROBBERS               Norm Storer              



Behind billboards they may congregate,                      
While digesting those donuts they ate.                      
They're brave officers; still,                              
They are eager to fill                                      
Speeding quotas -- the bad guys can wait.                   
                                                            
21225 COPS AND ROBBERS               William N Nesbit         



In the front of a Ford LTD                                  
Waited Officer Malcolm McGee,                               
Watching cars speeding by,                                  
Eating hot apple pie,                                       
Saying, "This is the job that's for me!"                    
                                                            
21226 COPS AND ROBBERS               Cap'n Bean               



Catching speeders is what cops do best.                     
They have quotas and count each arrest.                     
If they chased the killers                                  
As in TV thrillers,                                         
They'd get crazy and overly stressed,                       
                                                            
21227 COPS AND ROBBERS               Tom Patton               



In court, a preposterous tale                               
Is often of little avail.                                   
You must come a cropper,                                    
For any smart copper                                        
Will prove that your story will fail.                       
                                                            
21228 COPS AND ROBBERS               R. J. Winkler       P8501



A quick witted laundress named Dot                          
Heard a burglar and rushed to the spot.                     
He tried to sneak out                                       
But she gave him a clout                                    
And struck while the iron was hot.                          
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21229 COPS AND ROBBERS               Marguerite BuranelliP9108



He locked all his jewels inside,                            
And he locked both his safes beside.                        
Be bolted the door                                          
And hid the cash drawer.                                    
The window he left open wide.                               
                                                            
21230 COPS AND ROBBERS               Al Willis                



A bungling burglar named Jake,                              
Ran off with the baker's sponge cake,                       
But he made a quick stop                                    
At the town's coffee shop,                                  
And that's where he made his mistake.                       
                                                            
21231 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



As he cut off a piece of his take,                          
He fumbled that freshly baked cake.                         
It fell to the floor,                                       
Then bounced out the door,                                  
And caused an old hound dog to wake.                        
                                                            
21232 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



As the hound then pursued the sweet prize,                  
He ran through a maiden's young thighs.                     
This scared the young girl,                                 
Who dropped a white pearl                                   
In the middle of five cherry pies.                          
                                                            
21233 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



As Beth dug through the filling and crust,                  
She got cherry juice smeared on her bust.                   
This the hound dog then saw                                 
And extended his paw,                                       
But a mongrel one never should trust.                       
                                                            
21234 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



As Beth bent to shake hands with the mutt,                  
Jake eyed the young maid's little butt.                     
As toward her he started,                                   
The dog loudly farted,                                      
And Jake wondered who, where and what?                      
                                                            
21235 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



Bewildered he pondered just who,                            
Had wafted that stench of dog poo.                          
Where did it come from,                                     
The dog or her bum,                                         
And what is a poor guy to do?                               
                                                            
21236 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



The burglar was taken aback,                                
But threw the sponge cake in a sack.                        
But what then caught his eye                                
Was the fresh cherry pie,                                   
And he grabbed one to have for a snack.                     
                                                            
21237 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



There wasn't much else Jake could steal,                    
But he manage to cop a good feel.                           
When he turned to take flight                               
The girl put up a fight                                     
And the hound chomped down hard on his heel.                
                                                            
21238 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



The burglar let out a loud cry,                             
As Beth swung and hit Jake in the eye.                      
Now under attack,                                           
He dropped his loot sack,                                   
And the dog quickly ate up the pie.                         
                                                            
21239 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



A search by the pretty young girl,                          
Had failed to turn up her white pearl.                      
Though the burglar was beaten,                              
Her pearl had been eaten,                                   
When appeared a young cop we'll call Earl.                  
                                                            
21240 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



Earl spotted the juice on Beth's breast                     
And though she'd been shot in the chest.                    
To stop her from bleeding                                   
He started in kneading,                                     
And Beth said, "The right one feels best."                  
                                                            
21241 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



But the maiden then let out a wail,                         
As she start to tell her long tail.                         
Earl stopped with the feeling                               
As he hear of the stealing,                                 
And said he'd take Jake off to Jail.                        
                                                            
21242 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



"And I'll track down that naughty old hound,                
I'm sure he'll be easily found.                             
First I'll take Jake to jail,                               
And I know I'll not fail.                                   
So meet me down at the dog pound."                          
                                                            
21243 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



The hound had been easily caught                            
And to the dog pound had been brought.                      
Now remember, dear friend,                                  
As my tale nears its end,                                   
'Twas the pearl that our heroine sought.                    
                                                            
21244 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



The dog had committed no crime,                             
But is needed to finish this rhyme.                         
For the pearl, it is true                                   
Will come out in his poo,                                   
For everything passes in time.                              
                                                            
21245 COPS AND ROBBERS               Bob Birch           P0301



Said an amateur burglar named Nick                          
To a pro who had learned every trick,                       
"Should I carry a gun--                                     
Or a blackjack to stun?"                                    
Said the veteran, "Son, take your pick."                    
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21246 COPS AND ROBBERS               Mark Grenier        P9108



Once again, armed hijackers have struck                     
A Teamster out driving his truck --                         
But he'll still get paid                                    
Though his cargo's waylaid,                                 
So he don't (so to speak) give a fuck.                      
                                                            
21247 COPS AND ROBBERS               Robin K. Willoughby P8608



As thief catcher, Sal sprang into action.                   
She tricked him through wily distraction.                   
I'd have fallen to pieces                                   
Without my prosthesis,                                      
Since this was a knee jerk reaction.                        
                                                            
21248 COPS AND ROBBERS               Ed                       



These neighborhood punks have to stop!                      
Things have really gone downhill -- kerplop!                
We'd look up, on the street,                                
To the cop on the beat,                                     
But they look to beat up on the cop.                        
                                                            
21249 COPS AND ROBBERS               Robin K. Willoughby P8501



If your light turns to red and you stop,                    
You won't care who hides back of a shop.                    
But if you race on through,                                 
Your next light may be blue,                                
Flashing STOP! on the top of a cop!                         
                                                            
21250 COPS AND ROBBERS               Anon                     



An officer, walking through town,                           
Is greatly disturbed and will frown                         
At hearing a word                                           
He shouldn't have heard --                                  
Perhaps an unflattering noun.                               
                                                            
21251 COPS AND ROBBERS               R. J. Winkler       P8501



A toast to the lady vice cop                                
With the most busts, for trying to stop                     
The tide of ill-doing,                                      
In pay-for-play screwing--                                  
Undercover, she came out on top!                            
                                                            
21252 COPS AND ROBBERS               John Ciardi              



I always wished I was a cop.                                
So when I open my fridge top,                               
My wish my senses seize,                                    
And I start shouting "FREEZE."                              
My wife joins in by shouting, "Stop."                       
                                                            
21253 COPS AND ROBBERS               Irving Superior     P8911



She was walking one day with her niece,                     
When they saw a wild actress named Treese.                  
"Auntie, who would you guess,"                              
The girl asked, "made her dress?"                           
"I suppose," she replied, "the police."                     
                                                            
21254 COPS AND ROBBERS               A. N. Wilkins       P8501



A brand new detective named West                            
Was considered to be one of the best.                       
He is good with his gun;                                    
Every contest he's won;                                     
It's hoped he's not put to a test.                          
                                                            
21255 COPS AND ROBBERS               Arthur Pattaffy          



Four or five New York cops dressed in Macs,                 
Were arrested for making attacks.                           
When accused in a court,                                    
They made the retort:                                       
We thought it okay; they were blacks.                       
                                                            
21256 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Arthur Pattaffy          



A man from Guadalajara                                      
Took a joyride in a car. A                                  
Cop quick spotted him,                                      
But told his partner Jim.                                   
"I think we can catch him tamarra"                          
                                                            
21257 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS                             



Dummy Ed and ventriloquist Fred                             
Got pulled over for running a red.                          
Someone call the big                                        
State trooper a pig,                                        
And the cop beat the shit out of...Ed.                      
                                                            
21258 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Michael Weinstein   P8609



For speeding, a cop stopped Ms. Pfizer,                     
And she sobbed, "I'll do ought to comply, sir."             
When he unzipped his fly,                                   
She exclaimed with a sigh,                                  
"Alas, yet one more breathalyzer!"                          
                                                            
21259 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Bob Giandomenico    P9406



Since criminals can bargain plea,                           
Judges leaning toward leniency,                             
The bad man's only threat                                   
Is sometimes he will get                                    
A taste of cop brutality.                                   
                                                            
21260 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Irving Superior     P9406



"Police brutality's the thing!                              
These officers just like to swing,                          
Although not in their plan,                                 
A nearby cameraman."                                        
Sincerely yours. Signed: Rodney King                        
                                                            
21261 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Irving Superior     P9406



"You're not hitting King as you should.                     
Hit him harder, Tim, I know I could."                       
Sergeant Koon added then,                                   
"We must train you again.                                   
It's an Ill Wind whose blows are no good."                  
                                                            
21262 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9406



A sadistic detective named Frank                            
Has just been demoted in rank,                              
For pursuing his hunches                                    
With cruel insults and punches,                             
Saying, "Hey, I'm just brutally Frank."                     
                                                            
21263 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Evelyn Bogen        P9406



A female cop, name of "Sarge Marge,"                        
Arrested me on a true charge;                               
I licked 'er and screwed 'er                                
Then tried to elude 'er:                                    
She nabbed me, said, "Your cock's at-large!'"               
                                                            
21264 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Travis Brasell           



The bribe that young streetwalker Stover                    
Employs as a sexual rover,                                  
Is to hand-job police,                                      
As she gives one release,                                   
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"                     
                                                            
21265 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS                             



A young woman out taking some sun                           
Felt a hand cop a feel of her bun;                          
Said she, "How improper!                                    
Stop! I'll call a copper!"                                  
Said the copper, still copping, "I'm one!"                  
                                                            
21266 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Robin K. Willoughby P8501



There was a young copper named Kent,                        
Who in modern day parlance was bent.                        
In a recent drug bust                                       
His career hit the dust,                                    
As it showed up the source of his rent!                     
                                                            
21267 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lad from Clengarriff,                     
Who liked to dress up as a sheriff.                         
He toted his guns,                                          
Swore he'd save all the nuns                                
From the guys who looked like Omar Sharif!                  
                                                            
21268 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Linda Marsh Coll         



Back when the flower was power,                             
We thought it was best not to cower.                        
Chicago -- a shock                                          
(In Oz we did flock                                         
And OUR pigs the boom they did lower)                       
                                                            
21269 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS                             



The worst kind of cops are those bleeders                   
Who hide in the bush to catch speeders.                     
And some of those churls                                    
When they catch pretty girls,                               
(We leave the last line to our readers.)                    
                                                            
21270 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    John E Maywood           



He's Constable Bollards, the fool,                          
Watching girlies and losing his cool.                       
He's directing the traffic                                  
With hand-signals graphic,                                  
While gripping the end of his tool.                         
                                                            
21271 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Peter Wilkins            



On an island near Athens in Greece,                         
A tourist from Yonkers, Miss Neece,                         
Being raped on the beach                                    
Felt it useless to screech,                                 
For her rapers were Grecian police...                       
                                                            
21272 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Grand Prix Lim  383      



An arrogant fellow named Pace,                              
Was hauled into court in disgrace,                          
For having the gall,                                        
To take a pratfall,                                         
While striking cop's fist with his face.                    
                                                            
21273 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Observer                 



Said the hook to the cop, "Listen Sonny,                    
I really don't want any money.                              
I want the same thing                                       
You gave Rodney King.                                       
Just slip me that old Night Stick, Honey."                  
                                                            
21274 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Theo M. Heller      P9406



Whenever a cop seems too brutal                             
And keeps his beating on you till...                        
To pray that his arm                                        
Endures mortal harm,                                        
Is hopeful but mostly most futile.                          
                                                            
21275 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Irving Superior     P9406



I sure didn't think it a crime,                             
But when my old clock wouldn't chime,                       
I smashed up it all.                                        
Then the cops came to call,                                 
Arrested me for killing time.                               
                                                            
21276 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Tiddy                    



A quite dashing but horny young cop                         
Knew how to get girl thieves to stop.                       
He'd halt the young misses                                  
By blowing sweet kisses,                                    
Knock them down, and then knock them up.                    
                                                            
21277 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    T. Keller & L. Perrine   



A beauty who had a "great pair"                             
Conducted her business with flair;                          
The cops got a bit,                                         
And so they saw fit                                         
To honor trade with LAISSEZ-FAIRE.                          
                                                            
21278 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Chris Papa               



There once was a cop from West Chester;                     
Pulled over a blonde to arrest her.                         
He peeked in her shorts,                                    
Forgot about torts,                                         
And decided instead to molest her.                          
                                                            
21279 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Conch                    



In a hastily dug shallow tomb,                              
A body was found in the flume.                              
The police took it easy.                                    
Although they felt queazy,                                  
They did not want to cast clouds of doom.                   
                                                            
21280 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Arthur Pattaffy          



For clues we shall use a fine comb.                         
We don't want to confine folks at home.                     
If we make an arrest,                                       
They will all be impressed;                                 
They'll continue to go out and roam!"                       
                                                            
21281 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Arthur Pattaffy          



The police shouted through their intercom:                  
"We've found our man down at the prom!                      
We'll keep out of his sight,                                
As he got dynamite.                                         
He may blow us all up with his bomb."                       
                                                            
21282 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Arthur Pattaffy          



A cop, with his nightstick held firmly                      
By a naked girl, starting to squirm; he                     
Ran his hand over her breast,                               
And rasped, "You're under arrest,                           
Unless you suck off my "Officer Spermy."                    
                                                            
21283 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Jim Weaver Collection    



Wailed a bad uptown player named Mose,                      
"The Man's done arrested my ho's!                           
If I want 'em, he say,                                      
'Gimme six lines a day!'"                                   
So I'se got to pay through his nose!"                       
                                                            
21284 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Robin K. Willoughby P8501



A retired policeman named Ray                               
Bought explosive devices for play.                          
Though he's off the force,                                  
He can still, of course,                                    
Be out pressing charges all day.                            
                                                            
21285 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Guy Ben_Moshe            



The police are the guardians of peace;                      
Our protection when crime does increase.                    
But some cops that we face                                  
Are like crooks that they chase.                            
So who protects us from police?                             
                                                            
21286 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Albin Chaplin       P9406



I know a State Police named Bruce,                          
Whose IQ is as low as a moose.                              
He nab you for a crime;                                     
Let you go without time;                                    
If his beard will be covered with juice.                    
                                                            
21287 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a randy old BOBBY,                           
Who pinched nice young "birds" as a hobby.                  
But when he was caught,                                     
Some new work he sought --                                  
Now opens doors to hotel lobby.                             
                                                            
21288 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Chris Papa               



There once was a cop they called Bruiser,                   
Who the captain had labeled a loser.                        
For it seems that this rookie,                              
Was addicted to nookie,                                     
And would screw in the back of his cruiser.                 
                                                            
21289 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS                             



When Dixie, the tricksy young doxie                         
Was tossed in the hoosegow in Hoxie,                        
Giving jailers free tail,                                   
Got her out of jail,                                        
Which shows tricksy Dixie was foxy!                         
                                                            
21290 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Grand Prix Lim  758      



That police brutality cease                                 
Or show a dramatic decrease,                                
Right thinkers endorse                                      
A superior force--                                          
Police to police the police.                                
                                                            
21291 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Laurence Perrine    P9406



An American cop, very brutal,                               
Beat a Viennese chef on his noodle.                         
To strike back at his foe,                                  
Fritz whacked off in the dough                              
And served the cop flavorful strudel.                       
                                                            
21292 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Mark Levy           P9406



The Sheriff was after a hooker,                             
A voluptuous, sultry good-looker;                           
But, eyeing her charms,                                     
He resorted to arms --                                      
In his arms, with his short arm, he took her.               
                                                            
21293 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Lance Payne         P8501



A Tulsa policeman named Brown                               
Shot an innocent bystander down.                            
He told his friend Joe,                                     
He had no way to know                                       
There were innocent people in town.                         
                                                            
21294 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Jim C Carpenter          



The police brass is in a bad fix;                           
The squad room was empty at six.                            
Madam Mayor wants to know                                   
Where did all detectives go?                                
She told them, "Please show me your dicks!"                 
                                                            
21295 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



When cops on a beat can be bought                           
And even will fence what is hot,                            
Goodbye to security                                         
And vanishing surety                                        
Until they are finally caught.                              
                                                            
21296 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    R. J. Winkler       P8501



A horny young flatfoot named Dick                           
Never needed to use his night stick.                        
Any lass that looked fine,                                  
Who got out of line,                                        
He would smack with his oversized prick.                    
                                                            
21297 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Thomas G. Keller    P9406



Down south here, we deals with the tourists;                
Those damn Yankee bourgeoise boorists.                      
Speed traps in the thickets,                                
We write em all tickets;                                    
In no time they're arraigned by the jurists.                
                                                            
21298 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Jim Weaver Collection    



Sex urges, a traffic cop had 'em,                           
So when he arrested a "Madame",                             
The "perp" down he shook,                                   
And the bribe that he took                                  
Was spilled all over the MACADAM.                           
                                                            
21299 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Chris Papa               



In the house of a madam named Gail                          
Was presented her annual sale.                              
She bestowed a free piece                                   
On the Chief of Police                                      
And the Mayor was next, without fail.                       
                                                            
21300 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Albin Chaplin   3024-1524



Up the street, sex is sold by the piece,                    
And I wish this foul traffic would cease.                   
It's a shame and improper,                                  
And I'd phone for a copper,                                 
But that's where you'll find the police.                    
                                                            
21301 COPS AND ROBBERS - BAD COPS    Grand Prix Lims 117 G1852



The music of Bonnie and C.,                                 
Her mother kept singing low key.                            
The posse attack.                                           
Crescendo, "Bring back.                                     
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me."                            
                                                            
21302 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Irving Superior     P9002



There was a young outlaw who cried,                         
When he hadn't a boy by his side.                           
And as for his moll,                                        
She slept with a doll;                                      
That's the Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde.                      
                                                            
21303 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS                               



The saga of Bonnie and Clyde.                               
They robbed and they killed and they died.                  
About to expire,                                            
With voices of ire,                                         
"That bulletproof vest salesman lied."                      
                                                            
21304 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Irving Superior     P9002



"Miss Clark," remarked Christopher Dardon,                  
"No doubt you are keeping a guard on                        
Your feminine virtue,                                       
But with that cheap shirt, you                              
Explain the demise of my hard-on."                          
                                                            
21305 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Arthur Deex              



Dick Turpin (renowned for his stick-ups)                    
Was hopeless at girlie-type pick-ups;                       
Forsooth, it's the truth;                                   
He had had since his youth,                                 
A continuous bout with the hiccups.                         
                                                            
21306 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Peter Wilkins            



On Horsey Black Bess he would ride,                         
And many's the hold-up he tried.                            
When victim's dissention                                    
Meant armed intervention,                                   
He'd shoot, hic; the shot would go wide.                    
                                                            
21307 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Tiddy Ogg                



Dick Turpin, the highwayman bold,                           
Was under the thumb of a scold;                             
His "stand and deliver"                                     
Was uttered with shivers                                    
Of fear for his life, truth be told.                        
                                                            
21308 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Peter Wilkins            



Dick Turpin, a highwayman coarse,                           
Was chased by the law in full force.                        
Then this famous dork                                       
Rode all the way to York,                                   
And totally knackered his horse.                            
                                                            
21309 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Tony Burrell             



The remarkable Hercule Poirot                               
Attacked by a horny marrow,                                 
Said, "I've got your number,                                
You saucy cucumber!                                         
I'll see you the same time tomorrow."                       
                                                            
21310 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Bill Wall                



As the years passed, old J. Edgar saw                       
He was hated and not held in awe.                           
Still no one dared disclose                                 
That he wore women's clothes,                               
This in spite of a gross figure flaw.                       
                                                            
21311 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



Though he'd sworn to enforce our land's law,                
It was known Old J. Ed had a flaw.                          
At home he'd spend hours                                    
Sipping Whiskey Sours,                                      
In a Maidenform he'd pinched from Ma.                       
                                                            
21312 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



My name is J. Edgar, the mover                              
And shaker. And unlike one goober,                          
I took to my grave                                          
The spit on my stave,                                       
And name of my favorite Hoover.                             
                                                            
21313 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS                               



A spinster who lived in Vancouver                           
Claimed pornography never would move her.                   
But she got a hot twat                                      
When she spotted a shot                                     
Of the testes of J. Edgar Hoover.                           
                                                            
21314 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS                          G2543



If you've read up on gangsters then you'll                  
Have heard of John Dillinger's tool.                        
It was rumoured his dong                                    
Measured twelve inches long                                 
But he didn't use it as a rule.                             
                                                            
21315 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Bob Giandomenico    P9002



Mr. Keating said, "Kids, life is fraught                    
With things to avoid and you ought                          
To prevent serving time,                                    
Though you have done the crime,                             
Just be careful and never get caught."                      
                                                            
21316 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



Now Miss Herman is under the gun                            
For wrongdoing some say she has done.                       
Influence in exchange                                       
For checks, cash, and change,                               
Will buy grief that the girl can't outrun!                  
                                                            
21317 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Poirot with his little grey cells,                          
Puts crime into neat tidy nutshells.                        
With elegant presence,                                      
He lends his own brilliance                                 
To Japp and those other Yard dumbbells.                     
                                                            
21318 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS                               



There was a young fellow named Goetz,                       
Who said he was mugged and it hurts.                        
The next time a gang                                        
Attacked him, it was BANG!                                  
His assailants got their just desserts.                     
                                                            
21319 COPS AND ROBBERS - CELEBS      Alexander Baron          



While cuddled up under the blanket,                         
Alf softly whispered, "Dear Hank, it                        
Is rare to complain                                         
About balls and a chain,                                    
But the warden will hear if you clank it.                   
                                                            
21320 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    H Myers             T9801



When the inmates were put on a diet,                        
The whole prison did threaten to riot.                      
But the warden (mean dude),                                 
"If you want more food,                                     
I'm afraid that you'll now have to buy it."                 
                                                            
21321 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Thomas G. Heller    P9504



'Tween the miners, the trains, and the ile,                 
We'll be troubled for quite a long while.                   
With high prices to meet,                                   
We'll be oot on the street.                                 
We'd be better like Biggs -- in the jile.                   
(Biggs of Great Train Robbery get visits from paramour)     
21322 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    R Hendrie         (Bibby)



There once was a con from Mt. Hope                          
With prison he just couldn't cope.                          
Till he found a fine friend,                                
Straight to the end,                                        
By repeatedly dropping the soap.                            
                                                            
21323 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Bill Casey               



Said an inmate, young Baby-Face Jones,                      
"In the joint, a guy risks all he owns;                     
Prison life can be hard                                     
Being always on guard                                       
For mad dogs out to bury their bones."                      
                                                            
21324 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Ann Gasser          P8909



Once hot, I'm now thought uncool;                           
The liberals think I'm a fool.                              
Saying Clinton (the worm)                                   
Needs a long prison term,                                   
(Gracious! Prison for criminals is CRUEL!)                  
                                                            
21325 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS                             



In my bunk as I stare at the walls,                         
I can hear the guards pacing the halls.                     
In the cellblock above,                                     
There are guys that I love,                                 
But they've threatened to cut off my ... calls.             
                                                            
21326 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Bob Birch           P9806



A gay English convict was wishin'                           
For sex from a mate, asked permission.                      
Result, life expended,                                      
So that he ended                                            
His sentence with a proposition.                            
                                                            
21327 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Tom Patton          P9608



Inside-trading horologist Kent,                             
In the country club prison at Trent,                        
Said, "This thing is so wrong,                              
But I won't be here long,                                   
Having diagramed my escapement."                            
                                                            
21328 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



A prisoner was given a cake                                 
With a file to help with a jail break.                      
Asked if he got the rasp,                                   
His voice came with a gasp,                                 
The x-rays showed why I had a gut ache!!                    
                                                            
21329 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Arthur Pattaffy          



"Jail reform," said the warden at Folsom,                   
"Means the men can play polo or bowl some.                  
We have therapy sessions                                    
And give mahjong lessons --                                 
But the food that we serve's still unwholesome."            
                                                            
21330 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Arthur Deex         P8908



There now is a convict named Dwight                         
Whose hobby -- to LIMSIG he'd write.                        
"What three-time convicts shun                              
Is a fourth conviction."                                    
A lifetime to meter it right.                               
(LIMSIG - limerick special interest group)                  
21331 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Irving Superior     P8911



I did time in a prison in Lee;                              
It sure made a believer of me:                              
I was had from the rear,                                    
In my mouth, in my ear,                                     
I became the prime butt, the fuckee!                        
                                                            
21332 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Armand E Singer       316



At the Greek digs Hoyt supervised yearly,                   
They found one prison furnished austerely.                  
Two felons inside                                           
Were both petrified,                                        
Having been hardened criminals clearly.                     
                                                            
21333 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    A. N. Wilkins       P9206



An inmate of Kingston's old pen                             
For freedom developed a yen;                                
He got over the wall                                        
With no trouble at all,                                     
By sheer levitation and Zen.                                
                                                            
21334 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    R S Sudbury, Ontario  55b



Undertakers and sellers of cars;                            
Doctors, lawyers, and super sport stars;                    
With Clinton and Gates,                                     
Should all be roommates,                                    
Spending quality time behind bars.                          
                                                            
21335 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    John Miller 0361d        



The coddling a prison now does,                             
Has the press all, irately abuzz.                           
The cons are disdainful,                                    
For jail is less painful,                                   
That being picked up by the fuzz.                           
                                                            
21336 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Bob Giandomenico    P9406



There once was a man named Magellan                         
Who became a serious felon.                                 
For without any bail,                                       
He was thrown into jail;                                    
A week later he was known just as Helen.                    
                                                            
21337 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Daniel Holland           



At her work, matron carries a bleeper;                      
At night she's not even a sleeper.                          
As she hears its sweet tone,                                
She must go to a phone,                                     
And say "Am I my sister's keeper?"                          
                                                            
21338 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Arthur Pattaffy          



Mused a fellow who languished in jail,                      
"I will make, ere I leave, without fail,                    
The prison chess team,                                      
The warden's wife scream,                                   
An appeal, my two cellmates, and bail."                     
                                                            
21339 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Arthur Deex         P8909



There was a young hoodlum named Troy;                       
With graffiti he chose to destroy.                          
Sentenced to jail,                                          
The judge said, "No bail!                                   
Give old cons a new toy to enjoy!"                          
                                                            
21340 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Observer                 



The newly-built House of Correction                         
Was a model for penal perfection;                           
In the whole women's wing,                                  
The most punishing thing,                                   
Was the lack of penile erection.                            
                                                            
21341 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Ann Gasser          P8909



There once was a man named Stan                             
Arrested and jailed by the man.                             
He used his cock                                            
To pick the lock                                            
And let himself out of the can.                             
                                                            
21342 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Puff Adder               



An expert safecracker with brawn,                           
Was caught at his work before dawn.                         
Though he paid for his deeds,                               
His epitaph reads,                                          
"Here lies both a pro and a con."                           
                                                            
21343 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Macsam                   



There was a safecracker named Knox,                         
Who was caught while blowing a box.                         
Through no fault of his'n,                                  
He then went to prison,                                     
Where he learned at the school of hard knocks.              
                                                            
21344 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



California is playing for keeps,                            
To lock up its low-lifes and creeps.                        
Two-hundred to life,                                        
I hope you survive;                                         
What you sow in due course, you must reap.                  
                                                            
21345 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Dr Limerick              



That Fool sent five bucks to some crook,                    
Then spammed us and said to us, "Look,                      
Please send me your money,                                  
It's legal, not funny;"                                     
In the jail, just for him, there's a nook!                  
                                                            
21346 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS                             



A con man who couldn't post bail                            
Sent a message from prison in Braille.                      
His blind friend who read it                                
Gets all of the credit                                      
For springing his pal out of jail.                          
                                                            
21347 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Ismite                   



A wily old inmate named Bing                                
Dug a hole to escape from Sing Sing.                        
Once he cleared the guard towers,                           
He araose in some flowers                                   
Saying, "How nice to be sprung in the spring!"              
                                                            
21348 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Robbabe                  



A pilfering hill-billy named Lissen                         
Spent twenty-two years in prison.                           
Each time out of jail,                                      
On parole he would fail                                     
To leave alone what wasn't his'n.                           
                                                            
21349 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Warrick Wlrod            



There once was a bartender, Nate,                           
Who stole from the till one night, late.                    
He should feel right at home,                               
For although he can't roam,                                 
Spending time behind bars is his fate.                      
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21350 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Mary A. Brooks      P9108



Some Teamster Union presidents                              
Are careless with the evidence                              
And therefore must endure                                   
A lot of horse manure                                       
As U.S. Prison residents.                                   
                                                            
21351 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Irving Superior     P8608



Jails cost a lot, I would guess.                            
College, they say, cost much less.                          
But the jails have TV                                       
And three o'clock tea,                                      
And comfy rooms, bums use for chess.                        
                                                            
21352 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Jim Weaver Collection    



In prison an inmate named Bell,.                            
Thought: If I escape, all is well.                          
But what he found outside                                   
Made him quickly decide                                     
To go back and stay safe in his cell.                       
                                                            
21353 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    Warrick Elrod            



I went to the match with my brother;                        
And one thing just led to another.                          
We got into a fight,                                        
And in jail late that night,                                
I thought, "What are we going to tell mother?"              
                                                            
21354 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    John Fernbank            



A family historian called Kline                             
Whilst researching his family line,                         
Found grandfather, grandmother,                             
His aunt and some others                                    
Banged up in the nick doing time.                           
                                                            
21355 COPS AND ROBBERS - CONVICTS    John Sandilands, Blenheim



My auditor poured through my books,                         
And after some long second looks,                           
He says to me, "Trav,                                       
I'm certain you have                                        
Been robbed by some fraudulent crooks!"                     
                                                            
21356 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Travis Brasell           



Think "Last-In-First Out" -- it's your LIFO;                
Think "First-In-First-Out" -- it's your FIFO.               
"I get it," I said,                                         
"And when I'm in bed,                                       
Think "Wurst-In-First-Out" -- it's my WIFO!                 
                                                            
21357 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Travis Brasell           



If Anderson's bought by Leloitte,                           
There's potential there to exploit;                         
But they'll have to discharge                               
Liabilities large,                                          
By legal means quick and adroit.                            
                                                            
21358 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Dr Limerick  03-11-02    



The handcuffed chairman of Adelphia,                        
While leaving his home in Chelsea,                          
Said, "I feel all in all,                                   
After taking this fall,                                     
I'd rather be in Philadelphia."                             
                                                            
21359 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Tom Patton          P0209



The top guys aren't nothing but crooks;                     
The accountants finagle the books.                          
Foreign investors                                           
And human egg-nesters,                                      
Figured out they've been taken for schnooks.                
                                                            
21360 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Dr Limerick              



An auditor checking the books                               
Of WorldCom has earned dirty looks,                         
For composing a simile                                      
Concealing, though dimile,                                  
About cops who were booking the cooks.                      
                                                            
21361 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arthur Deex         P0208



If you ask them to cheat, they will dig ya;                 
Your corporate accounts they will rig ya.                   
The Anderson guy                                            
Says, "Figures don't lie."                                  
But he taught us that liars can figure.                     
                                                            
21362 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



"At Enron they hired some cooks."                           
Said Ken, who was chief of the crooks.                      
"For the kitchen," said Jeff,                               
"We still need a chef.                                      
The cooks are for cooking the books."                       
                                                            
21363 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



As the stock market's starting to totter                    
With tales of each corporate rotter,                        
In the TIMES "Business Day",                                
I'm prompted to say                                         
It reads like an old police blotter.                        
                                                            
21364 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0301



A crooked accountant named Payne                            
Would two sets of ledgers maintain.                         
One ledger would show                                       
Why profits were low;                                       
The other, his legerdemain.                                 
                                                            
21365 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Irving Superior     P8503



They claim that they followed the rules,                    
But used fraudulent bookkeeping tools;                      
Rules by thieves to aid crooks                              
In cooking their books,                                     
And made the small stockholders fools.                      
                                                            
21366 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A businessman who I've called Shane,                        
In his office he'd start to raise cain.                     
His C.E.O., a bright lad,                                   
Said his boss had gone mad,                                 
And the business would go down the drain!                   
                                                            
21367 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arthur Pattaffy          



Unlike earlier energy crises,                               
The whys of our current current prices                      
Are Cal's inept regime,                                     
And weather extremes;                                       
Trust the market is what my advice is.                      
                                                            
21368 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Dr Limerick  03-29-01    



Insider loans to execs                                      
May be second only to sex,                                  
As primeval drive                                           
For execs to survive,                                       
With the lifestyle each one expects.                        
                                                            
21369 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Dr Limerick              



What a picture Wall Street Journal paints;                  
The investor checks his stocks and faints.                  
To VPs and CEOs                                             
Is where the money goes;                                    
They make robber barons look like saints.                   
                                                            
21370 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



Reincorporation, Bermuda,                                   
Tempts corporate barracuda;                                 
It's unpatriotic,                                           
And quite idiotic,                                          
'Cause when we get the chance, you'll get screwed-a.        
                                                            
21371 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Dr Limerick  05-18-02    



A patriot must obey laws                                    
And subsidize the eagle's claws.                            
But the complexity                                          
Of the Tax Code, to me                                      
Means it's okay to exploit its flaws.                       
                                                            
21372 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Dr Limerick  05-18-02    



A broker with a wonderful scheme                            
Was driven to a final extreme.                              
As he leapt to his end,                                     
From the flat of his friend,                                
His last scheme proved to be a pipe-dream.                  
                                                            
21373 COPS AND ROBBERS - CORPORATE   Arthur Pattaffy          



A burglar named Picklock once made up a list                
Of items to pilfer that wouldn't be missed.                 
A sly little elf,                                           
He titled himself                                           
An "Unauthorized Access Technologist".                      
                                                            
21374 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Monique de Plume         



Never have I in my life                                     
Been attacked by a man with a knife.                        
Please don't stab me now,                                   
I've no money anyhow;                                       
If your bored you can go rape my wife!                      
                                                            
21375 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Eugene L.                



The weather outside is so frightful;                        
The big fire I built is delightful.                         
The firemen have come                                       
Just to save that bum,                                      
Whose house I burned down to be spiteful.                   
                                                            
21376 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Marty                    



"I'll burn this house to the ground,                        
And then I will burn Chinatown.                             
When I get some more matches,                               
I'll terrify Natchez.                                       
I gotta stop arson around."                                 
                                                            
21377 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Al Willis           P9805



A sparkling young fellow named Krauss                       
Had feelings no person could douse.                         
His aim and desire:                                         
"Set the whole world on fire."                              
He was caught when he burned his first house.               
                                                            
21378 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Albin Chaplin   3024-2650



The Fire Chief we have is a bright one;                     
He has studied the fire and can fight one.                  
But the Mayor, so brief,                                    
Said, "We need a new chief;                                 
What we need is a man who can light one!"                   
                                                            
21379 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Albin Chaplin   3024-2473



I'd move from this house if I could,                        
To a house that's in East Hollywood.                        
The guy who's next door                                     
Just robbed a chain store.                                  
The call him the bad neighbor hood.                         
                                                            
21380 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Al Willis           P9709



An odd-looking guy from Beruit                              
Held up banks in a bright-yellow suit;                      
More bizarre though by far,                                 
He would wave a cigar,                                      
Shouting, "Freeze there, or else I'll cheroot."             
                                                            
21381 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Peter Wilkins            



He's just not a sociable sort;                              
He considers word hunting a sport.                          
Heels are built in his shoes.                               
Height he'll reach, he can choose.                          
He robs banks, swears he won't be caught short.             
                                                            
21382 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Esther Koch         P0304



I saw roofers up fixing the eaves                           
At the bank, while a gardener raked leaves,                 
And a plumber found fault                                   
With the pipes near the vault.                              
Now wait!  Don't tell me I saw thieves?                     
                                                            
21383 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Prof M-G                 



A blonde in a bank in Kentucky                              
Confronted a robber -- how plucky!                          
But got shot in the head,                                   
Yet she still isn't dead,                                   
For her mind was a blank -- that was lucky.                 
                                                            
21384 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Graham Lester            



A grave robber named Nicholas Nob                           
Was arrested while leaving his "job."                       
He was brought to the station                               
And expressed indignation:                                  
"It sure beats aerobics, by God!"                           
                                                            
21385 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



There was a blind psychic named Gail,                       
Who was quite proficient in Braille.                        
When she held a note,                                       
That an embezzler wrote,                                    
She said, "This is clearly black mail!"                     
                                                            
21386 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Observer                 



If you think our race policy fails,                         
Check out stats on all types of house sales.                
Blacks and Hispanics                                        
Really help avert panics,                                   
For so many of them live in jails.                          
                                                            
21387 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      John Miller 0362         



Said a bogus-check passer named Draper,                     
When the cops foiled the guy's latest caper,                
"I'm chagrined, it is true,                                 
That my plan's fallen through--                             
But it certainly looked good on paper.                      
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21388 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Mark Grenier        P9108



A young fellow of sexual high wattage                       
Had to forfeit the claim to his cottage,                    
Just to stay out of court                                   
For his deeds.  So in short,                                
Sold his birthright for a mess of frottage.                 
                                                            
21389 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Loren C Fitzhugh         



There once was a Judge named Macrae,                        
Who said to a bloke, Doyle, today,                          
"A menace you are,                                          
With those guns in your car.                                
Five years for you.  Take 'im away!"                        
(Kingston Court, 4/11/03)                                   
21390 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Alexander Baron          



A burglar a bungler can be,                                 
If he burgles a burgher like me.                            
For I'm Mighty Mac,                                         
And I'd give him a smack;                                   
Would make him a ham-burger with glee.                      
                                                            
21391 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Peter Collingwood        



I'm sorry I gave you a fright,                              
When I grabbed you and tied you up tight.                   
But it's a burgular's duty                                  
When stealing his booty,                                    
To leave you to struggle all night.                         
                                                            
21392 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Gillian B                



There was an old lady who said,                             
When she found a thief under her bed,                       
"So near to the floor,                                      
And so close to the door!                                   
I'm afraid you'll catch cold in your head."                 
                                                            
21393 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young toff named Geraint,                       
Who definitely was not a saint.                             
When caught up by his past                                  
Said 'twas over at last.                                    
He said to live honestly's quaint.                          
                                                            
21394 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



A criminal who wore many guises,                            
Could transform into all shapes and sizes.                  
Putting police to the test,                                 
Led to his arrest;                                          
He finished up at the local assizes.                        
                                                            
21395 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



The biography of Wilson Miller                              
Was turned into a most gruesome thriller.                   
Battle Creek, Michigan,                                     
Was where it began,                                         
With the birth of that cereal killer.                       
                                                            
21396 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



In the hands of an able assassin,                           
Or punks robbing delicatessens,                             
If the gun's not defective                                  
From the shooter's perpective,                              
Don't go whining to Colt, Smith & Wesson.                   
                                                            
21397 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Dr Limerick              



A message to both old and young,                            
Beware of MELLIFLUOUS tongue!                               
Like makers of honey,                                       
Takes all your money,                                       
Then leaves, and you find you've been stung.                
                                                            
21398 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Chris Papa               



The criminals flooding all nations                          
Are engaged in with wrong occupations.                      
They are wily, rapacious,                                   
With an instinct predacious,                                
But lack credit to start corporations.                      
                                                            
21399 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Albin Chaplin 3024  P9308



A thief being stretched on his back                         
On the torture-tool, ready to crack,                        
With a maid on his belly,                                   
Cried "I'm comin', dear Nelly!                              
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!"                     
                                                            
21400 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0011



Five years ago, on London Road                              
A terrible hap did unfold.                                  
Children were crying                                        
As bullets were flying                                      
To rid Cape Town of a hideous toad.                         
                                                            
21401 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Nawahl                   



This toad was always selling weed,                          
Cocaine, mandrake, and poppy seed.                          
PAGAD took action                                           
For their dissatisfaction,                                  
And the druglords relentless greed.                         
                                                            
21402 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Nawahl                   



People Against Gangsters And Drugs                          
Were made out to be a bunch of thugs.                       
But the PAGAD four                                          
Are guilty no more,                                         
Of murdering King of the Lugs.                              
                                                            
21403 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Nawahl                   



If some druggie is shooting up shit,                        
Aims his Uzi and people get hit,                            
Out of ammo, he flees,                                      
But is brought to his knees,                                
He just might get roughed up a bit                          
                                                            
21404 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Ann Gasser          P9406



This tale's of a dyslexic, who                              
Bank-robbed with some help from the zoo.                    
His heist, though he planned it,                            
Turned strange, for the bandit                              
Wrote "Give me cash.  I have a gnu."                        
                                                            
21405 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Cynthia MacGregor        



I met this old man from Texas,                              
Who had just eleven exes.                                   
He called them all honey,                                   
And stole all their money;                                  
And now he drives a new Lexus.                              
                                                            
21406 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Jed Crandall             



A Bedfordshire man named Spooner,                           
Whom we shall see later or sooner,                          
Said, "I'm off -- goodbye all.                              
I shan't hear if you call,                                  
I'm taking a cruise on a schooner!"                         
                                                            
21407 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Daily Telegraph 25 Mar 74



You reckon I came from an egg?                              
And now for forgiveness you beg.                            
Well, I'll lift my curses,                                  
For one of those nurses                                     
You know, and a full cider keg.                             
                                                            
21408 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



Moll Flanders "a girl of the street,"                       
Was well versed in the art of deceit;                       
Transported for crime,                                      
Moll repents in good time.                                  
She's the felon who fell on her feet.                       
                                                            
21409 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Become Well-read    P0301



There once was a punk named John Briscoe                    
Who couldn't get into a disco.                              
So he put on a frown                                        
And burned the place down,                                  
Making his enemies Crisco.                                  
                                                            
21410 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      VOL 6                    



A young fellow-me-lad, I'll call Gar,                       
Could drive almost any make car.                            
He has very few faults.                                     
As his friends blow up vaults,                              
He's the best getaway driver, by far.                       
                                                            
21411 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



A hard-bitten drab called Miss X,                           
Relieved men of their paychecks.                            
"A knock on the head,                                       
Does not kill them dead,                                    
And I like it much better than sex."                        
                                                            
21412 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Marlene Lewis            



A gene-splitting chemist named Gist --                      
A genius and true scientist --                              
Crossed some jerk of a Pole                                 
With a Wop on parole,                                       
Begetting a hit man that missed.                            
                                                            
21413 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Armand E Singer        20



A dastardly fellow named Willy                              
Was arrested for stealing a filly.                          
Did they say, "That's O.K.,                                 
She was lame anyway,                                        
So we're letting you go?" Not really.                       
                                                            
21414 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Cybergeezer              



Dreamed hotblooded jailbird, young Ira,                     
"I must undertake a hegira;                                 
When I am released                                          
I'll hit the Near East                                      
And screw all the broads in Palmyra.                        
                                                            
21415 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Armand E Singer       493



There was a young fellow from Wheeling,                     
Who made extra from illicit dealing.                        
He gave himself airs;                                       
Had no worries or cares,                                    
'Til the cops picked him up in Darjeeling.                  
                                                            
21416 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



In my 30 years I've traveled well;                          
Been to places you can't even spell.                        
From Budapest to Juneau,                                    
So speak of what you know.                                  
Like the inside of your jail cell.                          
                                                            
21417 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



"I've bought you a Porsche," said Gail,                     
With some cash from our last diamond sale.                  
It's real nifty and fast,                                   
And I'm sure it will last                                   
Twenty years till you get out of jail.                      
                                                            
21418 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Friar                    



There was a young man with a van                            
Who thought up a devilish plan:                             
To capture, at leisure,                                     
A girl for his pleasure;                                    
And went to discuss it with Gran.                           
                                                            
21419 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



"Hey Gran; I've a brilliant plan!"                          
"So tell me about it," said Gran.                           
"I'll kidnap some sweet                                     
Little girl off the street,                                 
And I'll bundle her into my van."                           
                                                            
21420 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



"And then what, young man?" said his Gran.                  
"Dunno," said that foolish young man.                       
"Quite frankly, my son,                                     
And when all's said and done,                               
I ain't heard of a lousier plan."                           
                                                            
21421 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



Said a kidnapping victim named Sue                          
To her handsome abductor, "It's true                        
That I've never know crooks                                 
Who could move me with looks,                               
But I must say that I'm taken with you."                    
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21422 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Mark Grenier        P9108



A librarian who secretly took                               
Priceless volumes out from their nook,                      
Was not even suspected                                      
When the crime was detected,                                
For she had done all her thefts by the book.                
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21423 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      William F. Smith    P9108



A burglar from Newton Purcell                               
Once abstracted some jewels to sell;                        
But a constable caught                                      
Him and took him to court,                                  
And they've locked him away in a cell.                      
                                                            
21424 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Jim Weaver Collection    



An ambitious locksmith named Kilgore,                       
While moonlightling one night in a store,                   
Was still busy at five                                      
When the cops did arrive...                                 
He was making a bolt for the door.                          
                                                            
21425 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Observer                 



A penniless bum from El Monte                               
Made plans to bump off his rich aunty.                      
Through a twist of the fates,                               
He now makes license plates:                                
While his aunty's hale, hearty, and jaunty.                 
                                                            
21426 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Don Boen            P8112



Will there be amercing enough?                              
Will judge hand down sentence real rough?                   
'Cause our cooking star,                                    
Caught with hand in the jar,                                
Getting rich on that "insider" stuff.                       
                                                            
21427 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Chris Papa               



The master calligrapher, George,                            
Each evening at dinner would gorge                          
On filet mignon                                             
And tart Grey Poupon,                                       
He'd buy with the checks he could forge.                    
                                                            
21428 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Cybergeezer              



A heartless old whore from Berlin,                          
Used guile to entice her johns in;                          
Then she stole all their dollars,                           
As they took off their collars                              
And had a small glass of M. Finn.                           
(Mickey Finn - chloral hydrate, knockout drops)             
21429 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Armand E Singer       218



A fellow e-mailed me today                                  
From Nigeria, willing to pay                                
Me ten million bucks,                                       
Just to help get his ducks                                  
In a row before his bills go away.                          
                                                            
21430 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Guy Roberts              



And I've heard from young John Makalele,                    
Whose urgent pleas come almost daily.                       
And I hope that this spammer                                
Ends up in the slammer,                                     
Or run out of town on a rail, he.                           
                                                            
21431 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Scott Cramer             



After transacting at the local bank                         
With a gun, my heart quickly sank.                          
When I returned to the lot,                                 
With the funds that I got,                                  
I discovered no gas in the tank.                            
                                                            
21432 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Ron Sartain        TP9804



It certainly sticks in one's craw,                          
When our many minions of law,                               
Can't seem to ENJOIN                                        
Those few who purloin,                                      
And play out each criminal flaw.                            
                                                            
21433 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Chris Papa               



There once was a man named LaCroix,                         
Who fill everybody with awe.                                
His thoughts dark and bloody                                
Were scary to study,                                        
And kept him outside of the law.                            
                                                            
21434 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Nicholas Knight          



A fellow named Meanie McDykes                               
Dug a hole that he filled with some spikes,                 
By the side of a trail,                                     
Where he planned to impale                                  
Stray animals, joggers and tykes.                           
                                                            
21435 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Cap'n Bean          P0206



With the police still hot on his trail,                     
He was tempted by fanny for sale,                           
So the crook went to bed,                                   
With a price on his head,                                   
And a girl with a price on her tail!                        
                                                            
21436 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



A guy that I met, a real felon,                             
Told me he once had had a big melon.                        
Well, I think if fruit                                      
Or some veggie's your suit,                                 
A banana or carrot's more fillin'!                          
                                                            
21437 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



That felon's a very bad crook;                              
The greens and the fruit he just took.                      
Then making it worse,                                       
With unopened purse,                                        
Walked out of the shop with a chook.  (Aussie for chicken)  
                                                            
21438 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



Being not just a felon, but crude,                          
The guy didn't say "had", he said "screwed".                
The rape of the fruit                                       
Was his boast -- oh, the brute!                             
Do you sheep-rapers think he is lewd?                       
                                                            
21439 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



RECIDIVISM's bad in a way,                                  
A game hardened-criminals play,                             
Who at every turn,                                          
Just can't seem to learn,                                   
That crime never does seem to pay.                          
                                                            
21440 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Chris Papa               



A Gypsy once gave me this clue:                             
"A flaxen haired girl is for you."                          
I've searched all my life,                                  
But can't find a wife                                       
With tresses of flax-flower blue.                           
(plenty of blue-haired grannies in Vegas)                   
21441 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Tiddy Ogg                



I've searched from the Pole to the Cape,                    
But sight of same thus far escapes.                         
And so in frustration,                                      
To much condemnation,                                       
I fear I've resorted to rape.                               
                                                            
21442 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Tiddy Ogg                



A Welsh miser who resided in Flint,                         
Kept his money at home, now he's skint!                     
Thieves entered and went;                                   
Now he has not a cent;                                      
No money, not even a hint!                                  
                                                            
21443 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



"The secret of how you can pick up                          
Some cash really easy, is kick up                           
Your heels just for fun,                                    
And point your damn gun                                     
At folks and say, "This is a stickup!"                      
                                                            
21444 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



Boys will be boys, it is said,                              
And a boy sometimes makes someone dead.                     
So we send him to school                                    
So he's nobody's fool --                                    
Next time he'll go scott-free instead.                      
                                                            
21445 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      John Miller 0361c        



There once was a girl named Marie                           
Who climbed to the top of a tree;                           
And then, just for fun                                      
She took out a gun                                          
And went on a big shooting spree.                           
                                                            
21446 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



Smuggling's a first rate profession,                        
If your clientele has an obsession.                         
If you live near a border,                                  
Take your client's order;                                   
They'll soon have it in their possession.                   
                                                            
21447 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



Said the lady from Idaho, "We                               
Get all our potatoes for free,                              
'Cause they fall off the trucks."                           
Said the New Yorker, "Shucks,                               
That's how we got our TV."                                  
                                                            
21448 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



I'm a rogue and a peasanty slave;                           
I can't even cry;can't seem to rave.                        
But I'll put on a play,                                     
No more I'll delay!                                         
Then go out and start a crime wave!                         
                                                            
21449 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young man named Frank,                     
Wrote a system to access his bank.                          
When his memory failed him,                                 
They nailed him, then jailed him;                           
Now his storage is basic and dank.                          
                                                            
21450 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      W E Sword                



A chap with a weakness for locks                            
Was making a tour of Fort Knox,                             
When he spotted a fault                                     
In the door of a vault,                                     
He abstracted a dozen gold blocks.                          
                                                            
21451 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



A middle class man from East Lyme,                          
Felt he had just passed over his prime.                     
He looked down at his watch,                                
It's been nicked!  Oh my gosh!                              
Someone's got their hands on my time!                       
                                                            
21452 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



Johnny has made some inventions,                            
With only the best of intentions.                           
But the things that he made                                 
Got nicked in a raid,                                       
And were used to steal old grannies pensions.               
                                                            
21453 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Phil                     



For some thieves, Y2K went to plan,                         
Drowned by noise and the New Year began,                    
With a revelous bash.                                       
A glass roof they did smash,                                
To escape with a precious Cezanne!                          
                                                            
21454 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Prof M-G                 



The baker lay down as if dead;                              
They say he was struck on the head.                         
But this tale was not so,                                   
For some men needing dough                                  
Hit him twice in his basket, for bread.                     
                                                            
21455 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Albin Chaplin   3024-2534



Mary Kaye taught Special Ed so well,                        
That a sentence of jail time befell.                        
And the number is high                                      
Of the guards that do vie,                                  
For the post of mid-watch at her cell.                      
                                                            
21456 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      The Sailor         P0310 



I do not have time for the pain                             
Of wandering down memory lane.                              
Did I choose the wrong trail?                               
I don't know -- I made bail!                                
It's the last time that I rob a train!                      
                                                            
21457 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Marlene                  



Hard Rock Cafe has moved Mr Glitter                         
From upfront, right into the shitter.                       
The cause of his rage:                                      
He fucked under-age;                                        
From his cell he can only be bitter.                        
                                                            
21458 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS                               



There was a young lad I'll call Josh;                       
In his pocket he carried a cosh.                            
If he wanted some cash,                                     
To a bank he would dash.                                    
If he got none, a few skulls he would squash.               
                                                            
21459 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Arthur Pattaffy          



Willie Sutton, the bank robbing whiz,                       
While it wasn't a part of a quiz,                           
Was asked why he robbed banks.                              
"Well, it transcends mere pranks,"                          
He replied, "That's where the money is."                    
                                                            
21460 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



"Your burglary now you've confessed."                       
The witch said, "Let's see now, what's best.                
Yes, metamorphosis                                          
Should cure your psychosis.                                 
A change is as good as a(r)rest.                            
                                                            
21461 COPS AND ROBBERS - FELONS      Tiddy                    



Oh gee, we got on the plane                                 
And let our poor baby in Spain.                             
A slight oversight                                          
To forget the wee mite.                                     
The judge says we'll not see her again.                     
                                                            
21462 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tony Burrell             



"We took a cheap flight 'cause we're frugal,                
And we left our damn kid in Portugal.                       
Big deal, we forgot                                         
The milk-puking tot;                                        
Now the judge says we'll not hear her google!"              
                                                            
21463 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Travis                   



No doubt that these parents are nuts;                       
They're brain-dead and neither has guts;                    
I hope that little lass                                     
Grows muscles in mass,                                      
And someday will wallop their butts!                        
                                                            
21464 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Travis Brasell           



"Scotland Yard," said Inspector Freneau,                    
"Has bid on some painting, you know,                        
To hang on the walls.                                       
So far all the calls                                        
Are for Sergeants and Constables, though."                  
                                                            
21465 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     A. N. Wilkins       P8501



A Mountie of old Musquodobbit                               
Had a pecker so long, girls would mob it.                   
But the locker room boys                                    
Would unsettle his poise                                    
With their constant "long arm of the law" bit.              
                                                            
21466 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Keith MacMillan       33a



I've heard that out west of the Rockies,                    
Those mounties are famed for their Cockies.                 
Be they old or young,                                       
They're all so well hung,                                   
That horses refuse them as Jockies.                         
                                                            
21467 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     SFA                      



If you're feeling somewhat crabby,                          
'Cause your love life's a little bit shabby.                
Get a partner, son;                                         
A nice badge and a gun,                                     
And go chase bad guys in Punjabi.                           
                                                            
21468 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN                              



There once was a man named Morse,                           
Who was superior, of course.                                
All Oxford cops are,                                        
But he was their star --                                    
God's very own gift to the force.                           
                                                            
21469 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Codfish            TP9804



It wasn't my aim to mislead,                                
But I do not think you can read.                            
The map's upside down.                                      
Just turn it around,                                        
And don't get caught in some yak stampede.                  
                                                            
21470 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Carol                    



I turned it just as you suggested,                          
But still think your map needs protested.                   
'Cause now I'm in France                                    
Instead of your pants,                                      
And worse off since I've been arrested.                     
                                                            
21471 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



The cop cuffed my hands around back                         
And with his stick gave me a whack.                         
He claims that I'm smug-                                    
Gling high powered drugs;                                   
In my shorts he found twelve pounds of crack...             
                                                            
21472 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



You must have an ass huge and wide,                         
To smuggle that much crack inside.                          
Your droopy-ass drawers,                                    
From the big and tall stores,                               
Has its own zip-code on each side.                          
                                                            
21473 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Carol                    



I like my shorts roomy, my sweet.                           
So they don't constrict on my meat.                         
But the cop who arrested                                    
Quite quickly suggested                                     
He thought my shorts tight in the seat....(in deceit)       
                                                            
21474 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



But back to the problem of bail.                            
I'm stuck in a faraway jail,                                
In a cell smelling musty                                    
With a cellmate named Rusty,                                
Who too, has an eye for de tail.                            
                                                            
21475 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



You've got yourself in one fine mess;                       
How you get out is anyone's guess.                          
In all of that stench,                                      
You best learn some French,                                 
Or you'll have a brand new address.                         
                                                            
21476 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Carol                    



I know just a little French tongue                          
(Of which many praises you've sung!)                        
But it won't help me here                                   
'Cause I'm not a queer                                      
And don't like my bedmates well hung.                       
                                                            
21477 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



This Rusty ain't our Cyber Wiz,                             
That's trying to give me the biz.                           
He's just some French con                                   
Who like Jane and Jon --                                    
If Tom's dick was hairy, he'd jizz.                         
                                                            
21478 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



They've thoroughly searched through my shorts               
And found only stains to report.                            
They dropped all the charges.                               
Said one of the sarges,                                     
"The crack wouldn't hold up in court."                      
                                                            
21479 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



So now I am leaving from France                             
With thoughts in my head of romance.                        
I'll soon be arriving                                       
To do som muff diving,                                      
In MD and Carol and pants.                                  
                                                            
21480 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jon Gearhart             



And how are you going to get here?                          
Fold your arms, blink your eyes, and appear,                
Right here at my door?                                      
And I don't think your                                      
Nose twitching will work either, dear.                      
                                                            
21481 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Carol                    



Clever meter-maids in Amsterdam                             
Launched a novel scheme -- it's no scam!                    
No more meters for money --                                 
Insert prick down there, honey --                           
Say the signs -- We collect in our clam.                    
                                                            
21482 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN                              



For male foreigners the fun really starts,                  
When they're searched by female border guards.              
Bet you get an erect                                        
As they gently inspect;                                     
They are very well trained in these arts.                   
                                                            
21483 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN                              



Girls, too, surely won't feel neglected;                    
They are also thoroughly inspected.                         
If you've something to hide                                 
From the man -- down inside,                                
He'll insert his search-tool then erected.                  
                                                            
21484 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN                              



We haven't such beauties like Bess;                         
There's a bright side to it, nonetheless.                   
Peter, our prime bull,                                      
Has his testes chockfull,                                   
So you fair ladies surely care less.                        
                                                            
21485 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN                              



In England a Bobby or Peeler                                
Will hearken to words of a squealer,                        
When actions are criminal                                   
(Overt or subliminal)                                       
In shops, or at cards, by a dealer.                         
                                                            
21486 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     R. J. Winkler       P8501



There was a bad man in Madrid                               
Who was chased by police, so he hid.                        
He hid all the day                                          
In a sewer, they say.                                       
And that's why he's covered with shid.                      
                                                            
21487 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Michael Palin            



The handsome High Sheriff Of Argyll                         
Has such an arresting smile.                                
Then, with ladies in cuffs,                                 
He'd tickle their muffs                                     
While tapping his stick on the tile.                        
                                                            
21488 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tom                      



Sir Robert Peel did bring home BOBBY                        
To patrol London streets so mobby.                          
The ladies of night                                         
Kept more out of sight,                                     
Behind Savoy with guys less snobby.                         
                                                            
21489 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Daniel Ford              



A little old lady from Greece                               
Had a very horny young niece.                               
She was always in bed                                       
'Cause she liked to give head                               
To the Mayor and the Chief of Police.                       
                                                            
21490 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Bobby                    



In Mexico, when all the Po-leez                             
Give poor leedle Pedro parole, heez                         
Supposed to report                                          
Every week with a quart                                     
Of tacos and fresh-fried frijoles.                          
                                                            
21491 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Norm Storer         P9201



In Mexico, when all the Po-leez                             
Give poor leedle Inez parole, sheez                         
To come to the jail                                         
Every week without fail,                                    
With her seezter and bestow frijoles.                       
                                                            
21492 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Martin Wellborn     P9201



There was a young athlete called Pete,                      
Who sex life began in the street --                         
Jogging 'round Piccadilly,                                  
He felt stiff in his willie,                                
And mounted a Bobbie on beat!                               
                                                            
21493 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Jim Weaver Collection    



"All hail to our mounted police!                            
May their glory and fame never cease!"                      
First, let's hear recounted                                 
On whom they are mounted --                                 
Of what are they getting a piece?                           
                                                            
21494 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Lance Payne         P8501



A mounted policeman named Fred                              
Felt his under-there crawl as he said,                      
"I view with remorse                                        
That I must mount a horse,                                  
When I'd rather mount women, instead."                      
                                                            
21495 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Grand Prix Lim  608      



My Mountie friend, Cecil McCann,                            
Says that always getting his man                            
Is becoming a bore.                                         
He'd like some amour,                                       
Some dancing, some wine, a nice flan...                     
                                                            
21496 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Ericka                   



It's likely -- this may send a shiver                       
Down John's spine and might make him quiver --              
That, like many elite                                       
Squad the Mounties complete                                 
Their duties both sides of the river.                       
                                                            
21497 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Ulla                     



Huge as Roger is, he's not jealous:                         
Joined by his RCMP fellas,                                  
They're doing their duty                                    
On the cavernous beauty                                     
Of Bertha - Yes, Mounties are zealous!                      
                                                            
21498 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Anon                     



I'm approached by a writer Nigerian,                        
Who says he's become the custodian                          
Of funds he will mete                                       
For bank details complete,                                  
And he hopes my reaction's pavlovian.                       
                                                            
21499 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Anon                     



The scam seems quite simple, indeed,                        
Once banking details you feed.                              
The Nigerian, the bum                                       
Will abscond such a sum,                                    
Which should quell your Pavlovian greed.                    
                                                            
21500 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN                              



Hello there, I'm General Obaka,                             
I smuggled gold, gems and tobacca,                          
And made lots of cash                                       
Taking bribes (we say dash)                                 
And transferred it all off to Dacca.                        
                                                            
21501 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



I'm stuck in this hospital bed,                             
My wife and my children are dead --                         
They died in a smash,                                       
A head-on truck crash,                                      
So I'm forced to ask strangers instead...                   
                                                            
21502 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



...To help me get hold of the loot.                         
This dictator's government's boot                           
Means my bank accounts froze,                               
I've no friends, just foes,                                 
So I've thought up a scheme that might suit.                
                                                            
21503 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



I've got forty three million bucks,                         
That out in that bank vault is stuck.                       
I'll give you a quarter,                                    
The least that I oughter,                                   
If out of it, my cash you can pluck.                        
                                                            
21504 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



I swear I am telling the truth,                             
But of your good faith I need proof.                        
Just send me a grand,                                       
I'll come shake your hand...                                
But we'd better meet under my roof.                         
                                                            
21505 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



'Cause here in Nigeria I'm penned,                          
And all I can do is to send                                 
An e-mail or two                                            
To a gent such as you.                                      
So help me out, my dear old friend.                         
                                                            
21506 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



The gullible now in a flash,                                
To the airport in Lagos will dash,                          
And there meet some guys,                                   
Large as life, twice their size,                            
And there they are ransomed for cash.                       
                                                            
21507 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



Their credit cards meanwhile are stole,                     
There fortune has burned a big hole.                        
It's all an abortion;                                       
Letting greed rule out caution,                             
Ensures you end up on the dole.                             
                                                            
21508 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



The chief of police in Cologne                              
Was dating a meter maid, Joan.                              
He was slow in his sparking,                                
So she fined him for parking                                
To long in her No Parking zone.                             
                                                            
21509 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Albin Chaplin   3024-0092



Though Bernie sometimes could a slob be,                    
Chasing girls was his favorite hobby.                       
But poor Mr. Gluck                                          
Ran clean out of luck                                       
Chasing after that sly British "Bobby".                     
                                                            
21510 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Shelby Forrest           



Said a London detective named Jason,                        
"My promotion to sergeant I'll hasten                       
If I'm good at my job,                                      
Have a care with my gob,                                    
Hold my drink and become a Freemason."                      
                                                            
21511 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     Alexander Baron          



When they told an old woman named Todd,                     
That her son, who had left the Old Sod,                     
Was wanted in Nice                                          
By the local police,                                        
She replied that their taste appeared odd.                  
                                                            
21512 COPS AND ROBBERS - FOREIGN     A. N. Wilkins       P8501



This nasty old mobster named Voight                         
Did do in ten dons from Detroit;                            
Quite toothless and couthless,                              
But utterly ruthless,                                       
Plus ever-so-deadly adroit.                                 
                                                            
21513 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Armand Singer            



It happened St. Valentine's Day;                            
These gangsters were all blown away.                        
So Hitler, adapter,                                         
Entitled a chapter                                          
REPRISALS -- the Al Capone way.                             
                                                            
21514 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Irving Superior     P9002



As she sat with Capone drinking beer,                       
Said the moll to old Scarface, "My dear,                    
Do you carry by chance                                      
A gun in your pants,                                        
Or are you simply happy I'm here?"                          
                                                            
21515 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Phil Cannibal       P9001



Capone was no minimal criminal.                             
By responding to urges subliminal,                          
He gave, in his time,                                       
To organized crime                                          
New methods phenomenally seminal.                           
                                                            
21516 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Laurence Perrine    P9002



The head of the mob, Al Capone,                             
Thought that his crimes were unknown,                       
But the I.R.S. nailed him;                                  
His false return jailed him.                                
Moral, Don't cheat on your own.                             
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
21517 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Lillian de la Torre P9108



If the murderous Alphonse Capone                            
Lived at this time, I'm sure he would moan,                 
"With all the other jazz                                    
I face at Alcatraz,                                         
I cannot even have a cell phone."                           
                                                            
21518 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



AL FRESCO, Sicilian Don rare,                               
Dined with the utmost of care                               
In the open space,                                          
So foes couldn't place                                      
Explosives 'neath restauarant chair.                        
                                                            
21519 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Chris Papa               



Though FEALTY, the Mafia tries                              
To obtain from all of the guys.                             
Some of his long hires                                      
Might wear hidden wires,                                    
Then get cement boots as a prize.                           
                                                            
21520 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Chris Papa               



There are those, a mite indiscrete,                         
Who both the Mob and the IRS cheat.                         
Though each one may levy                                    
A penalty heavy,                                            
The Mob's can be much more concrete.                        
                                                            
21521 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       John Miller 0098         



The Cosa Nostra called comorra,                             
Even in Eire, faith and begorrah,                           
Most oft be fought                                          
Without a thought                                           
Of opening the box Pandora.                                 
                                                            
21522 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Daniel Ford              



The saga of Corleone, Don:                                  
The Angel of Death came upon                                
To solemnly proffer                                         
A No-refuse offer;                                          
The Corleone circle, full drawn.                            
                                                            
21523 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Irving Superior     P9002



The drug lords have pulled out all stops                    
And are bringing in more and more crops.                    
Since they, friends report,                                 
Give bucks to support                                       
Bill Bennett and his Keystone Cops.                         
                                                            
21524 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       A. N. Wilkins       P9002



A sensitive hitman, Frank Nitty,                            
He'd fume when he'd hear "Nitty gritty,"                    
But these he did not.                                       
The ones that he shot                                       
Were those who would sneeringly, "Nit, he!"                 
                                                            
21525 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Irving Superior     P9002



A little known fact about gangsters --                      
The reason they call their molls "bangsters",               
Is partly it rhymes                                         
And partly at times                                         
These gangsters were also gang-bangers.                     
                                                            
21526 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Irving Superior     P9002



In Marco's Italian cafe, a                                  
Haunt of the Colchester Mafia,                              
The Godfathers sit                                          
By the window and knit                                      
Little coasters and place-mates of raffia.                  
                                                            
21527 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Peter Wilkins            



These gangsters were known as "The Mob."                    
They would threaten and pilfer and rob.                     
For them, not unwilling,                                    
The fine art of killing                                     
Was only a dangerous "job."                                 
                                                            
21528 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Laurence Perrine    P9002



The Mafia makes lots of jack                                
From the houses, nor is there a lack                        
Of girls for the trade.                                     
Every day they get laid                                     
To earn enough money for crack.                             
                                                            
21529 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       A. N. Wilkins       P9002



The Mafia hitmen all claim                                  
That it's amateurs who are to blame.                        
They fix jerks for a friend,                                
Get caught in the end,                                      
And give killing for hire a bad name.                       
                                                            
21530 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       A. N. Wilkins       P9002



The saga of Corleone, Mike.                                 
Assass'ing all those he'd dislike.                          
In church he would be.                                      
Godfather was he.                                           
The prototype, Alibi Ike.                                   
                                                            
21531 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Irving Superior     P9002



In U.S., politicians are sly;                               
With mobsters and thugs they ally.                          
Using cash and coercion,                                    
They resort to subversion                                   
To elect the best men they can buy.                         
                                                            
21532 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Albin Chaplin            



Before using Guinea, shut your chops,                       
'Cause your going to have to call the cops.                 
This form of adress                                         
Will get you in a mess                                      
With some big-foot, well-connected Wops.                    
                                                            
21533 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Norm Brust               



There was an old Mafia blackguard                           
Who was driven around in a Packard.                         
He rubbed out a rival,                                      
Not thinking survival,                                      
Soon with bullets his Packard was laquered.                 
                                                            
21534 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Tutta                    



A bold byline was given to Gene                             
For exposing the local machine.                             
But his glory was brief,                                    
For he wound up beneath                                     
Piles of rocks in the local ravine.                         
                                                            
21535 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       William N Nesbit         



A young rookie copper named Tony                            
Thought some of the banknotes were phoney.                  
His suspicions were true:                                   
He flushed them down the loo.                               
He was shot by a Mafia croney.                              
                                                            
21536 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Anon                     



The Godfathers don't die in bed                             
No matter what you have read.                               
More often than not,                                        
In some public spot,                                        
They're taken quite suddenly dead.                          
                                                            
21537 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       Larry Davis         P8606



In the Mafia he was not-notch.                              
And his offspring, to show they weren't Scotch,             
When he chose to retire,                                    
Presented their sire                                        
With somebody else's gold watch.                            
                                                            
21538 COPS AND ROBBERS - MAFIA       A. N. Wilkins       P8511



Ansche Hedgepeth was eating French fries,                   
On her way home from Deal Junior high.                      
On the Washington Metro,                                    
Such food is a no-no.                                       
In fact, it's a terrible crime.                             
                                                            
21539 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Dr Limerick  11-17-00    



A certain hardworking young hooker                          
Was such an enchanting good-looker,                         
There were fights 'mongst the fuzz                          
Over whose turn it was                                      
To pinch her and frisk her and book her.                    
                                                            
21540 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Isaac Asimov             



A crafty young housemaid from Belaugh,                      
Was known as a wheeler and dealer;                          
She stole knifes and forks,                                 
Glasses, bottles, and corks,                                
And lastly a potato peeler.                                 
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
21541 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Anon                     



I'll smash all the windows in Stoke --                      
I'll not rest until every one's broke.                      
I'll phone 999.                                             
I'll stay on the line;                                      
I'll blame it on some other bloke.                          
                                                            
21542 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Cyberkeats               



Two detectives watched rookie-cop Booker                    
Come in, cuffed to chick (a real looker!);                  
Said Dick #1, "I detect                                     
Booker's pecker's erect,"                                   
Said Dick #2, "Booker's booked his first hooker!"           
                                                            
21543 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Robin K. Willoughby P8501



A rookie policeman named Hind                               
Says his moonlighting job is a find.                        
He's the bouncer-type fellow                                
At the local bordello,                                      
And he takes out his salary in kind.                        
                                                            
21544 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  A. N. Wilkins       P8501



Breaking statures, a vandal named Custer                    
Was arrested, but fled in a fluster.                        
On the lam, he soon spent                                   
His very last cent,                                         
Thus busting this bust-busting buster.                      
                                                            
21545 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Cybergeezer              



Mistakenly locked up I was,                                 
Guilt by association because,                               
I was there sipping tea,                                    
With Maude under a tree,                                    
When she was raided by the fuzz!                            
                                                            
21546 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS                           



So there I was locked up in jail,                           
With no money to make my bail.                              
But thanks to your fame,                                    
By dropping your name,                                      
They traded my bail for tail.                               
                                                            
21547 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS                           



Well, now I know why that cute warden,                      
Miss Buxom, told me she would pardon                        
A "tea-sippin' blonde"                                      
If I gave as bond                                           
A whole night to her with a hard 'n.                        
                                                            
21548 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS                           



A young chimney sweep from Peru                             
Had child support bills way past due.                       
To avoid an arrest                                          
He did what he did best                                     
And made his escape up the flue.                            
                                                            
21549 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Evelyn Bogen        P9401



I stopped at the next truck stop                            
To find me a lizard to bed hop.                             
I paid her the money,                                       
But it wasn't funny;                                        
She told me that she was a cop.                             
                                                            
21550 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Toolman                  



At the Met a soprano named Shouse                           
Made a hit in "Salome" by Strauss.                          
Since she stripped to the raw                               
When she danced, but the law                                
Wore tuxedos and raided the house.                          
                                                            
21551 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  A. N. Wilkins       P8501



A sneaky bartender named Bill                               
Made a habit of skimming the till.                          
Then one night his boss                                     
Discovered the loss,                                        
And ran his ass over the hill.                              
                                                            
21552 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Bare Bones Book Lim P9407



A nafke once taunted a braw-                                
Ny policeman who answered her, "Haw!                        
Let me prosecute you,                                       
You cute prostitute you --                                  
To the fullest extent of the law!"                          
(nafke - could mean fucker)                                 
21553 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Robin K. Willoughby P8501



A luscious young lovely, Bernice,                           
Was arrested today by police                                
For inciting a riot                                         
And trouser disquiet,                                       
And charged with disturbing the piece.                      
                                                            
21554 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Tiddy Ogg                



Down lover's lane some couples were walking,                
Whilst others were courting and talking.                    
When a young lady cop                                       
Told them they must stop,                                   
A voice told her she shouldn't be gawking.                  
                                                            
21555 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arthur Pattaffy          



When convicted of white-collar crimes                       
For embezzling a few measly dimes,                          
A cashier call Sharma                                       
Remarked, "It's my Karma!"                                  
And sat calmly reading 'The Times'.                         
                                                            
21556 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Ms. Ira Gardner-Smith    



"With whores," said an old cop named Lucian,                
"I think I have found the solution.                         
Just don't ever pay                                         
Very much for a lay.                                        
Don't encourage," he said, "prostitution."                  
                                                            
21557 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  A. N. Wilkins       P8501



An unemployed Brummie named Stan,  (Brummie = ?? - McW)     
Sold dodgy goods from the back of his van.                  
To the cops he said, "Sorry!                                
They fell off a lorry."                                     
But he still got ten months in the can.                     
                                                            
21558 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Phil T                   



Police car flashing lights on top                           
And while you're thinking while you stop,                   
"He should be chasing crooks                                
Instead of writing books,"                                  
You flash a smile right at the cop.                         
                                                            
21559 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Irving Superior     P8806



Excuses you value as super,                                 
When speeding at 72 per,                                    
Will seldom be utile                                        
Just stupidly futile,                                       
For fooling a dubious trooper.                              
                                                            
21560 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  R. J. Winkler       P8501



A butcher's assistant called Phil                           
Was caught with his hands in the till.                      
He tried to cut meat                                        
Using only his feet,                                        
But the sight made his customers ill.                       
                                                            
21561 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Michael Palin            



The constable wrote on his ticket:                          
"I found this young man in a thicket.                       
He was totally nude,                                        
From which I construed                                      
He was guilty of something indicket.                        
                                                            
21562 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Lance Payne         P8501



There was a young scoundrel named Hillary,                  
Who was sentenced to time in the pillory.                   
After humiliation,                                          
He received liberation,                                     
And headed straight for the distillery!!                    
                                                            
21563 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a young man named Dale                       
Who spent his vacation in jail.                             
While the rest of the town                                  
Was out getting brown,                                      
Dale sat in jail getting pale.                              
                                                            
21564 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Nancy Ashbaugh      P0105



As pure as a new bride's white veil,                        
As clean as a winter white sale.                            
As sweet as spring air,                                     
It was damn unfair,                                         
That I had to spend time in jail.                           
                                                            
21565 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS                           



A collector of Thomas Bird Mosher,                          
When Mosher was labeled a forger,                           
Became quite irate;                                         
TBM was a pirate,                                           
And his piracy really quite Kosher.                         
                                                            
21566 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Anon                     



Have you heard of the Boston Brahmin,                       
Who lays himself out on the common,                         
Hoping some dude'll                                         
Come tickle his noodle                                      
Before he's arrested by lawmen?                             
                                                            
21567 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Marlene Lewis            



The world famous swordsman McGill                           
Was an expert at dipping his quill.                         
He screwed the girl well,                                   
And then screwed the motel,                                 
'Cause he left without paying the bill.                     
                                                            
21568 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



The detective examined the clues;                           
The prints came from a small pair of shoes.                 
She confronted the perp;                                    
He was her little twerp;                                    
His crime dragging in mud while Mom snoozed.                
                                                            
21569 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Karen A Romanko          



I left them outside when I came,                            
To pick up when I left, was my aim.                         
But some long-haired young man                              
Scooped them up and then ran --                             
The old neighborhood's just not the same.                   
                                                            
21570 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  William N. Nesbit   P9711



Teetotallers stalwart and hairy                             
Said, "Fresh milk makes us strong, so be wary."             
In the yard about three,                                    
They shouted with glee,                                     
"Come on down, we are looting a dairy."                     
                                                            
21571 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Jim Weaver Collection    



A leggy young girl of Scappoose (OR)                        
Was put in the town calaboose                               
For spending her time                                       
On much petty crime,                                        
And for morals outrageously loose.                          
                                                            
21572 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Allan Ottley        P8804



There was a school student named Lyle                       
Whose specialised subject was guile.                        
Things went wrong in the school,                            
Which wrecked the school pool;                              
The staff said that was more for his file.                  
                                                            
21573 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arthur Pattaffy          



Lady Harriet Hepplestone Hale,                              
When asked to post His Lordship's bail,                     
Wished to know what he'd done,                              
And when told had her fun,                                  
Letting him spend a few days in gaol.                       
                                                            
21574 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Warrick Elrod            



There once was a man from Cancun,                           
Whose butt swelled up like a balloon.                       
When he became jailed,                                      
His humor had failed;                                       
He gave his cigarettes away to soon.                        
                                                            
21575 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Jim Weaver Collection    



In the old county courthouse they say                       
A vagrant was charged one fine day,                         
For no visible support,                                     
And he made this retort,                                    
'Tis the same with the spiral stairway.                     
                                                            
21576 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Saint Joan Limerick P9912



Could Colorado State University                             
Have its library books stored in a worse city?              
I hope it overlooks                                         
Fines on overdue books,                                     
If returned witn no trace of immersity.                     
(floods spring 1997 at Colorado State)                      
21577 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Prof M-G            T9707



Pickpockets, in airport or mall,                            
Get a very bad press overall.                               
But if they were not here                                   
Then I very much fear                                       
I'd have really no sex life at all.                         
                                                            
21578 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Mike Dale                



Two travelers, Peter and Ray,                               
Allegedly sought to purvey                                  
Some pot in the park,                                       
But too quick to say "Narc!"                                
Ranger Bob came and ruined their day.                       
(discovered by Jerry Nordal)                                
21579 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arcata Police Log   P0302



In Cairo a man from Poughkeepsie                            
Bought a bust of King Tut from a crypt. He                  
Checked its antiquity                                       
Which was A.D. not B.C.                                     
And said, "Tut, tut, that Arab, Egypt me."                  
                                                            
21580 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Ellen Alaka         P9506



At a dance club, one night long ago,                        
'Twas a boy who just wanted a blow.                         
Our libidos allied,                                         
So we took it outside;                                      
For the cops, we put on a show.                             
                                                            
21581 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Anon                     



So exclaimed a rich man from Missouri                       
As he ran ten red lights in a fury:                         
"Traffic laws are absurd!"...                               
Now the last thing I heard,                                 
They're presenting his case to the jury.                    
                                                            
21582 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Vassar Smith        P9712



While poking my pecker in Pam,                              
Al fresco, up comes a white van,                            
With cop, wielding truncheon;                               
I'm dragged to the dungeon,                                 
To serve 6 whole months in the can.                         
                                                            
21583 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Tiddy Ogg                



I gave her a gift of great price.                           
She said "Wow! It's real cool! It's real nice,              
But next time, my man,                                      
First remove, if you can,                                   
The anti-shoplifting device."                               
                                                            
21584 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Friar              TP9804



There was a young lady named Skye                           
Who oft needed an alibi.                                    
When she went to a store                                    
She forgot to pay for                                       
What she bought.  If stopped she'd just cry!                
                                                            
21585 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arthur Pattaffy          



A skillful shoplifter named Herring                         
Plied his art with admirable daring:                        
He stole ermine and pearls,                                 
Thirteen salesgirls,                                        
And the clothes the floorwalker was wearing.                
                                                            
21586 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  New Comic Limericks P8506



At Darwin, northmost of our ports,                          
They arrested a smuggler of sorts.                          
This wild-life tea leaf                                     
Was attempting to leave with                                
Six pythons concealed in his shorts.                        
                                                            
21587 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Mike Dale                



I once loved a girl from the strand;                        
We'd walk, and I'd hold her hand.                           
My young love was tested                                    
When she was arrested,                                      
For selling cassettes that were banned!                     
                                                            
21588 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arthur Pattaffy          



If your light turns to red and you stop,                    
You won't care who hides back of a shop.                    
But if you race through,                                    
Your next light may be blue,                                
Flashing STOP on the top of a cop!                          
                                                            
21589 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Prof M-G                 



A detective who worked in a store                           
Caught a thief stealing knickers galore.                    
To arrest her he had to,                                    
This one he was glad to --                                  
Twas his grotty old mother-in-law.                          
                                                            
21590 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Spike Milligan           



A young man was drawing the dole;                           
To have cash on hand was his goal.                          
Financially unsteady,                                       
Rather short of the ready,                                  
The cash that he had, is what he stole!                     
                                                            
21591 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arthur Pattaffy          



A funny old caretaker, Mr Fixit,                            
Stole all of the chocolate biscuit.                         
He nicked all the chairs                                    
When we were unawares;                                      
Only he would have the nerve to risk it.                    
                                                            
21592 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Anon                     



A just, righteous, somewhat dumb, fella                     
Always sings in the rain 'a capella'.                       
Though free of all sin,                                     
He's soaked to the skin,                                    
For an unjust dude swiped his umbrella.                     
                                                            
21593 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Arthur Deex         P9706



There was a shoplifter named Zeke,                          
Who went to the grocers last week.                          
He had a big smile                                          
In the produce aisle,                                       
When he proceeded to take a leek.                           
                                                            
21594 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Tom Patton          P9803



Some of this strife is implicit:                            
A lifestyle which trends towards illicit:                   
A person who steals                                         
Or does shady deals,                                        
Or calls on the phone to solicit.                           
                                                            
21595 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS                           



Just as justice to the just is,                             
Injustice to the unjust, a must is.                         
In rain when those fellas                                   
Swipe all the umbrellas,                                    
It just disgusts the just's sense of justice.               
                                                            
21596 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Tom Patton          P9707



Mike Fay treated law with disdain.                          
He said Singapore gave him a pain.                          
So to US he went                                            
Where it was his intent                                     
To get a good job raising cane.                             
                                                            
21597 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Al Chaplin          P9405



The Singapore vandal deficient                              
Is sentenced by judges proficient.                          
The site of his brain                                       
Is massaged with a cane--                                   
One lesson is always sufficient.                            
                                                            
21598 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Al Chaplin          P9405



If your brain's out of place, a condition                   
That is caused by a lack of ambition,                       
Six strokes of the cane                                     
And your wandering brain                                    
Is restored to its proper position.                         
                                                            
21599 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Al Chaplin          P9405



She engaged in lascivious play                              
With a postman and cop, so they say.                        
And because purient                                         
Now she's parturient,                                       
Who fired first shot, blue or grey?                         
(see Immortalia)                                            
21600 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS  Bob Giandomenico    P9105



The wisest of poon chasers, cease                           
The chase when they ask for a piece                         
Of tail from the 'lookers',                                 
They think are real hookers,                                
Who say, "Gotcha, John, we're police!"                      
                                                            
21601 COPS AND ROBBERS - MISCREANTS                           



A man named Agnew had a brain,                              
And started a theory of strain.                             
He focused on kids                                          
Who were blowing their lids,                                
Avoiding things giving them pain.                           
                                                            
21602 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Eve LaForte              



Edwin Sutherland had nine props.                            
Behavior is learned; ask the cops.                          
From your friends, not the books;                           
With bad friends you're a crook.                            
Avoid bad friends and the crime rate drops.                 
                                                            
21603 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Holly Sullivan           



Beccaria so long ago,                                       
Said Free Will keeps the crime rates not low.               
When the costs are outweighed                               
By the funds to be played,                                  
Then theft happens, much to our woe.                        
                                                            
21604 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jona Meyer               



Cesare Lombroso once said                                   
You can tell the bad guys by their heads.                   
Big skulls, beady eyes,                                     
Means it is no surprise                                     
That crime springs from ways that we're bred.               
                                                            
21605 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jona Meyer               



Lombroso biological theory                                  
Had findings there were all too eerie.                      
Animal-like with beady eyes,                                
He believes tells us why,                                   
Which leaves us all very leery.                             
                                                            
21606 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jeremy Ceruti            



Sutherland said so many things;                             
To the theory of crime he brings                            
Committing crime is learned                                 
For rewards quickly earned.                                 
To this idea one clings.                                    
                                                            
21607 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Evelyn Arcaroli          



Shaw and McKay one stated,                                  
Crime comes from delinquents hated.                         
As neighborhoods changed                                    
A folks rearranged,                                         
The crime rates were not faded.                             
                                                            
21608 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Julie Hoffman            



It all began with Darwin;                                   
He said all is predetermined.                               
Crime being included,                                       
His ideas weren't secluded                                  
From those who have committed sin.                          
                                                            
21609 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Adam Goess               



Lombroso said criminals are born as such,                   
They're not developed quite as much.                        
Their most obvious traits                                   
Are their deviant gaits.                                    
They're weird and different from us.                        
                                                            
21610 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Alisa Tavani             



Differintial Association                                    
Says crimes are committed through motivation.               
Duration and frequency,                                     
Intensity and priority,                                     
And don't forget rationalization.                           
                                                            
21611 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Moneka Walls             



Criminal behavior is learned.                               
Peer gratification is earned,                               
Through communication                                       
And differential association,                               
Even if friends get burned.                                 
                                                            
21612 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      RAC                      



Once a theorist named Durkheim,                             
Pondered 'bout life all the time.                           
"Ah, 'tis easy," said he.                                   
For it is Anomie                                            
That leads us all to commit crime."                         
                                                            
21613 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jona Meyer               



There once was a man named Durkheim,                        
Who believed each society has crime.                        
An anthropologist                                           
Became a sociologist;                                       
We all have anomie from time to time.                       
                                                            
21614 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Shannon Cabrera          



Crime is a problem of our nation.                           
The state exists for exploitation.                          
The Capitalist State                                        
Came to just dominate.                                      
Crime occurs due to administration.                         
                                                            
21615 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Kristen K Letterman      



There are five responses to anomie.                         
The first consists of conformity.                           
Hard work is ritualism.                                     
Drop outs have retreatism.                                  
Inovation and rebellion finish enormity.                    
                                                            
21616 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Bob Nehring              



Old Freud was an odd one at best;                           
He said crime springs from mental distress.                 
To old Siggy it seems                                       
Crime escapes from our dreams,                              
And we all need treatment, he guessed.                      
                                                            
21617 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jona Meyer               



Some people use biological theory;                          
Towards twins and xyy be leary.                             
The behavior 'tis said                                      
Doesn't stem from the head,                                 
But also from genes that are dreary.                        
                                                            
21618 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Caesar Primus            



Sigmund Freud had said long ago,                            
The id outweighs the superego.                              
The unconsciousness                                         
And mental illness                                          
And some theories got him some dough.                       
                                                            
21619 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Brian Hobson             



There once was a Limey named Hobbes,                        
Who opined on British law-jobs.                             
"Ain't no tax without State!"                               
Now, isn't that great!                                      
The state gets the fines when one robs.                     
                                                            
21620 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Dr Z                     



Karl Marx theory of conflict:                               
The "Haves" are always the rich.                            
They sell their goods                                       
The oppressed become hoods,                                 
And the rich rejoice in their profit.                       
                                                            
21621 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Judy Yi                  



Berresford Ellis did state,                                 
That beliefs are the cause of all hate.                     
Though true, it's too heavy                                 
For this group, where levi-                                 
Ty is the means of debate.                                  
                                                            
21622 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Tiddy Ogg                



Herrnstein said low self-control leads to crime.            
Thugs so low they'd steal from March of Dimes.              
These people are lame.                                      
They have no shame.                                         
When caught they will do the time.                          
                                                            
21623 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Shawn Wright             



There once was a man named Hooten,                          
Who said he could stop crime and lootin',                   
By marrying away                                            
All single men in a day.                                    
This would stop all the crime and the shootin'.             
                                                            
21624 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Caesar Primus            



The Marxist Theory states,                                  
That Capitalists we hate.                                   
Oppressed by their wealth,                                  
We steal for our health.                                    
We need to emancipate.                                      
                                                            
21625 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Kristen K Letterman      



Conformity is the first adaptation;                         
Stealing requires innovation.                               
Hard workers are riualists;                                 
Lazy losers are retreatists.                                
A rebels goals are his motivation.                          
                                                            
21626 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Anon                     



Ours is a material nation;                                  
The response to Anomie is variation.                        
Attitudes toward goals;                                     
Merton plugged all the holes,                               
He's an answer for all situations.                          
                                                            
21627 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Anon                     



Crime stems from a type of anomie,                          
In accordance with Merton's theory.                         
Keeping up with the Jones                                   
Is steeped in our bones.                                    
One is robbed 'cause another is greedy.                     
                                                            
21628 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Michelle Hanssen         



Merton's theory of Aspirational reference,                  
Consisting of goals and of preference,                      
This phase controls                                         
The acceptable goals.                                       
His ideas are extremely intense.                            
                                                            
21629 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Leslie Miller            



A guy in the 30's named Merton                              
Invented five principals certain.                           
Conformity, innovation, retreatism,                         
Rebellion, don't forget ritualism.                          
That's our funky rhyme; Drop the curtain.                   
                                                            
21630 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jason Romeo              



Robert Merton once said,                                    
We've a material culture and big head.                      
Woking hard, it is ritualism.                               
Not working hard, it's retreatism.                          
That's why he is so widely read.                            
                                                            
21631 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Anthony Basantis         



Beccaria said Punishment should fit the crime.              
Commit the act -- you must serve the time.                  
This was not the case,                                      
This would not save face.                                   
And this is the end of my rhyme.                            
                                                            
21632 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      J M Student              



There must be opportunity,                                  
Before crime can take place fruitfully.                     
Not any dumb fool                                           
Can steal the Crown Jewels;                                 
In the end, know-how is the key.                            
                                                            
21633 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jona Meyer               



The Criminal Justice System was bad;                        
There was death for many a lad.                             
The fit to the crime;                                       
All should do their time.                                   
A good system would make all people glad.                   
                                                            
21634 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Ivonne Rivera            



Low self-control leads to crime;                            
Some guys believe this all the time.                        
Tell a child he'll become one;                              
He'll steal just for fun.                                   
He'll remember in the back of his mind.                     
                                                            
21635 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Anon                     



The laws should be publicized                               
So that the public would abide.                             
Vice laws were opposed,                                     
For no harms arose.                                         
Punishment to be too quick to hide.                         
                                                            
21636 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Micheala Jones           



Sykes and Matza had their theory;                           
'Twasn't their fault they were leery.                       
You can deny the pain                                       
And reassign blame.                                         
When you speak to the judge, please speak clearly.          
                                                            
21637 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Anon                     



Sutherland thought that crime is taught,                    
Whether you get away or get caught.                         
With peers you will yearn;                                  
Like your friends, you will learn.                          
Differential association was his thought.                   
                                                            
21638 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Marc S Goldberg          



Bentham liked punishment with pain,                         
Countering potential gain.                                  
This rough sort of measure                                  
Was, to his displeasure,                                    
They need swift punishment to refrain.                      
                                                            
21639 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Kristen K Letterman      



Sykes & Matza[s theory of neutralization                    
Says criminals try decriminalization.                       
Of the crimes they commit                                   
They don't have to admit,                                   
Using denial, appeal, and condemnation.                     
                                                            
21640 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      K M                      



It must have been Thorsten Sellin                           
Who found neighboring cultures get mean.                    
Often, it's conquerors                                      
Who label newcomers'                                        
Acts as criminal and unclean.                               
                                                            
21641 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Jona Meyer               



Beady eyes and those with ugly faces                        
Should be confined in other places.                         
Criminals atavistic                                         
Are now thought ballistic                                   
And no longer used in today's cases.                        
                                                            
21642 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Kristen K Letterman      



Certain people can be born bad;                             
This ideas is what Lombroso had.                            
So if your looks go astray,                                 
Lombroso would say:                                         
"You're a criminal!"  That's pretty sad.                    
                                                            
21643 COPS AND ROBBERS - THEORY      Marnee Jackson           



"I've just been attacked", said the cop,                    
"As I made my way out of this shop."                        
And he stood there with mud                                 
On his trousers and blood                                   
From his nose streaming down on his top.                    
                                                            
21644 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



"Your assailant; which way did he go?"                      
I said. Blankly he said, "I dunno."                         
"Was he short?"  "He was tall."                             
"Was he fat?"  "Not at all;                                 
He was thin as a rake don't you know."                      
                                                            
21645 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



"What clothes was he wearing?" I said.                      
"I dunno", he replied, "Ooh, my head."                      
"Did he have a moustache?"                                  
"I don't think so; but gosh,                                
I remember some writing instead."                           
                                                            
21646 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



"'No Parking' it said, fore and aft."                       
And I looked at him, grinned and then laughed.              
"It's this lamp-post right here                             
You bumped into." "Oh dear",                                
He said, looking quite sheepish, "How daft."                
                                                            
21647 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



I've heard some great maxims from cops,                     
But this one I judge to be tops:                            
If ever your shot,                                          
Don't worry a lot,                                          
All bleeding eventually stops.                              
                                                            
21648 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Lilsil                   



Now that's a comforting thought,                            
One I feel sure that I ought                                
To feel good                                                
When down in the 'hood                                      
And the farm in the sky I just bought.                      
                                                            
21649 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Arden                    



A blonde, living in Baltimore,                              
Once had her house burgled. The poor                        
Dear phoned for the fuzz.                                   
The door bell did buzz,                                     
A dog patrol man's at the door.                             
                                                            
21650 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



She stares in surprise, then she finds                      
Her voice, and dismayed says: "What kind                    
Of service is this?                                         
I'm robbed, then they piss                                  
Me off, sending cops that are blind."                       
                                                            
21651 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



"New Year's Eve would turn into a drag,"                    
Said the Watch Sergeant to Copper Skag.                     
"And it would be doubly                                     
Bleak without bubbly,                                       
Your stash, and my pack of Zig-Zag."                        
                                                            
21652 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



"I agree," said Skag, the lady cop.                         
"It's too risky for a traffic stop                          
Of the young scofflaw folk.                                 
Hit me with one more toke,                                  
Then look out man, I'm climbing on top!"                    
                                                            
21653 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



A fun-loving copper named Yates,                            
Sought out bosomy doxies for dates.                         
He'd say "Put down your gin,                                
Cause I'm turning you in                                    
For packing concealed 38's."                                
                                                            
21654 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



The doxie cried, "Please! Oh no, Please DON'T sir,          
Turn me in for attempting to bolster,                       
My figure with stays,                                       
And sheer overlays.                                         
If you're kind you can fill up my holster!                  
                                                            
21655 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



Said Yates, "Empty that holster I will;                     
For to fondle those globes I would kill!                    
And there's a holster so scuzzy,                            
Down there where you're fuzzy,                              
That my eight inch magnum howitzer will fill."              
                                                            
21656 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     ROE                      



He popped two Viagra straight way,                          
And unzipped the case where it lay.                         
It started to grow...                                       
Got ready to blow...                                        
But wilted, when told he must pay.                          
                                                            
21657 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



I just spent the whole night in jail;                       
The judge he refused to give bail.                          
They've shaven my head;                                     
There's a plank for a bed;                                  
And my cellmate's a pervert called Hale.                    
                                                            
21658 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



So a whole sleepless night I have passed,                   
Maintaining my buttocks clenched fast.                      
With my back to the wall,                                   
To give no chance at all,                                   
For that faggot to get at my ass.                           
                                                            
21659 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



It's not as if I dealt in drugs;                            
It was all about sweet little bugs!                         
If you made a mistake                                       
Then a file in a cake                                       
Might help me get out of the jug.                           
                                                            
21660 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



The rising crime rate has us baffled.                       
Our Judicial system's all snaffled.                         
Though we build jail on jail,                               
It is clear this will fail.                                 
What we need to be building is scaffold.                    
                                                            
21661 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Frank Ward          P9402



The criminals don't seem to stop,                           
And each day we do get a new crop.                          
If they do some foul crime,                                 
We should give them time;                                   
The time that it takes them to drop!                        
                                                            
21662 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Frank Ward          P9402



Their penchant for crime we can check,                      
And their criminal empires wreck.                           
Rope is the right stuff.                                    
If their ass weighs enough,                                 
It will, sure as hell, break their neck!                    
                                                            
21663 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Frank Ward          P9402



The "Do-Gooders" call it, "Disgrace,"                       
These worthless lives to erase.                             
For they harbor these fears,                                
"Just a matter of years,                                    
We will end up in the same place."                          
                                                            
21664 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Frank Ward          P9402



"The Net Of The Law," that's a screw!                       
Paid dearly for, by me and you.                             
Against all our wishes,                                     
It traps the small fishes                                   
While letting the big ones swim through.                    
                                                            
21665 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Frank Ward          P9402



Two punks kill their Mother and Dad.                        
The psychologists say, "They ain't bad,                     
We find on inspection                                       
They suffered rejection,                                    
And there's fourteen million to be had."                    
                                                            
21666 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Frank Ward          P9402



"If we get these two punks off Scot-free,                   
We'll have cause for some God-awful fee.                    
We can pay off the judge,                                   
Give the jury a nudge,                                      
And have lots of it left for a spree!"                      
                                                            
21667 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Frank Ward          P9402



The juggler thought he was the best,                        
But one day, he was put to the test.                        
He's mugged, comes a cropper,                               
And calls for a copper:                                     
"Come officer, make an arrest!"                             
                                                            
21668 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



The dog-team arrives, but again,                            
The poor man is felled with great pain.                     
"I'm sorry, old sport,"                                     
Says the copper, "He's taught                               
To go for the juggler vain."                                
                                                            
21669 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Officers August and Rudy                                    
Were partners their first day on-duty.                      
Academy newbies,                                            
These dim-witted boobies                                    
Were thought to be awfully fruity.                          
                                                            
21670 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



In a cruiser they loyally sped                              
To a sinister crime, a code red.                            
Seen fleeing the scene                                      
Was a miscreant, mean,                                      
And a large chested woman lay dead.                         
                                                            
21671 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



The car door caught Gus by the britches                     
And tore him apart at the stitches.                         
He thought to turn back                                     
From this lethal attack                                     
By a violent pump on his bitches.                           
                                                            
21672 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



But he tripped as he turned toward the fray.                
Fast lodged to his utter dismay,                            
He started to rise                                          
But was caught by the thighs.                               
In her cleavage his wanker did stay.                        
                                                            
21673 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



His partner ran up right away                               
And said, "I'll assist if I may".                           
Great force he was wielding,                                
But the pud was unyielding.                                 
"She's stiffening up!" Gus did say.                         
                                                            
21674 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



A hole is the thing we must bore in her,                    
So we may release your stiff foreigner.                     
Do keep me abreast,                                         
But leave all the rest                                      
For the forensics team and the coroner.                     
                                                            
21675 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



To the pub went our off-duty Gus,                           
His heroic feats to discuss.                                
And bending their ears,                                     
Over pretzels and beers,                                    
Told them all how he made his first bust.                   
                                                            
21676 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



A thief, who had just robbed a shop,                        
Quite unwisely made a quick stop,                           
When passing the toilet.                                    
The law, then did foil it,                                  
When he was flushed out by a cop.                           
                                                            
21677 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Observer                 



The thief, he was clearly a jerk;                           
His sense of reason did shirk.                              
Said the cop, "Don't gripe --                               
We'll be done in a wipe!                                    
No sit still while we do paperwork.                         
                                                            
21678 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Romath                   



A policeman who stopped in New York,                        
Went out in the nude for a walk,                            
But you can't stop a copper,                                
Nor can you cop a stopper,                                  
If the copper's a stopper from Cork.                        
                                                            
21679 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Prof                     



This stopper of a copper from Cork,                         
Walking his pet pig in New York,                            
Broke into a jog,                                           
Chasing the hog,                                            
And was seen to be copping his pork.                        
                                                            
21680 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Bob                      



There once was a girl from Albania.                         
Diagnosis? Klept-nymphomania.                               
She'd want to restrain ya,                                  
Then drain ya, and brain ya,                                
And steal your pocket miscellanea.                          
                                                            
21681 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Ericka                   



That larcenous nympho, Albanian,                            
Had a gem of a sis, Transylvanian,                          
Who loved to give neck                                      
But head?  She said, "Eck!                                  
No meat!  I am strictly plasmanian."                        
                                                            
21682 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tutta Gioia              



But here's a good tale instead;                             
Here's Charlie Black, dead on his bed.                      
A look of surprise                                          
Still shines in his eyes,                                   
With a hatchet blade stuck in his head.                     
                                                            
21683 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Lieutenant Colombo: "Charles Black?                         
A second-rate newspaper hack.                               
Who died in a snooze                                        
After far too much booze.                                   
The clue is an old dirty mac."                              
                                                            
21684 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Says Poirot: "It's puzzed I am.                             
Reminds me of once down in Ham-                             
Burg, where, for a lark,                                    
In the dark, in the park...                                 
Like me, you must cherchez la femme."                       
                                                            
21685 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



And next arrive Starsky and Hutch,                          
With squeals of tires, riding the clutch.                   
They're hunting Blacks car,                                 
Which ain't very far.                                       
It's here, close enough to touch.                           
                                                            
21686 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Now Quincy comes, looking for clues.                        
Ignoring the hatchet, he'll choose                          
An adamant claim,                                           
(For such is his game),                                     
"'Twas chicken pox, heightened by booze."                   
                                                            
21687 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



The whole merry crew is perplexed.                          
And Husky and Starch wholly vexed:                          
They've not had a chase;                                    
Had to hang 'round this place.                              
(Ignore please, line 2, I'm dyslexed.)                      
                                                            
21688 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



An entrance is made, to impress,                            
By young widow Black, in a dress,                           
With cleavage so low,                                       
You can near see her toe,                                   
Down the cleft, and she purrs: "I confess."                 
                                                            
21689 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



That's good or we'd ne'er end this tale.                    
For surely our brave sleuths would fail                     
A jigsaw to do,                                             
With pieces just two;                                       
They've none got the brains of a snail.                     
                                                            
21690 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



So here it is; right from the start:                        
Our Charlie has been to a part-                             
Y, drunk on rough cid-                                      
Er, got a cab ride,                                         
He felt bad, from down near his heart.                      
                                                            
21691 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



The consequence of his booze feat:                          
A yawn, technicolored, and Pete,                            
The cabbie, irate,                                          
Looked back, viewed the spate                               
Of vomit all over the seat.                                 
                                                            
21692 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



He throws Charlie out on his own,                           
In darkness, and so with a groan,                           
Off Charlie now plods,                                      
Away, hoping God's                                          
A-watching, to show him a phone.                            
                                                            
21693 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



He finds one, and boy is he mighty                          
Relieved, and phones wife Aphrodite --,                     
She's lovely -- the young man,)                             
Who, quick as she can,                                      
Throws raincoat over baby doll nightie.                     
                                                            
21694 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



She jumps into car, drives to deep                          
Dark country, to pick up the creep.                         
He's found, jumps inside,                                   
So grateful to ride,                                        
And promptly falls soundly asleep.                          
                                                            
21695 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Soon Aphro pull onto the verge;                             
Her bladdder is making an urg-                              
Ent plea for relief.                                        
She ducks 'round a sheaf                                    
Of wheat, is short time to emerge.                          
                                                            
21696 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Aroused by the shutting door's clunk,                       
Our Charlie considers: "I thunk                             
I must have been tired,                                     
And stopped."  Now inspired,                                
He starts to drive home to his bunk.                        
                                                            
21697 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



And Aphro sees tail-lights receding                         
'Round bend, yells, but hubby's not heeding.                
She walks for an hour,                                      
Cold, angry, and showered                                   
With mud, and her feet sore and bleeding.                   
                                                            
21698 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



She's home, marches straight to the shed,                   
Gets wood axe, finds husband in bed,                        
And in her great pique,                                     
Employs her physique                                        
To bury the axe in his head.                                
                                                            
21699 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



A moral you want, I suppose.                                
For once, folks, I'll tell it in prose:                     
A woman can stand                                           
A sore head or hand,                                        
But don't give her a pain in her toes.                      
                                                            
21700 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Pulled over for making a right                              
And not stopping, complete, at the light,                   
The officer musta                                           
Been meeting his quota,                                     
Or not seen the new Donut site.                             
                                                            
21701 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



So to court, and I'll have to miss work                     
A days worth because of the jerk                            
who looks like "Sipowitz"                                   
And has got bigger tits                                     
Than his wife, the county court clerk.                      
                                                            
21702 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



Said the young thug, about injured nurse,                   
"Judge, my action was not that perverse.                    
I meant her no harm                                         
When I broke her arm,                                       
But she wouldn't let got of the purse!"                     
                                                            
21703 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Elaine                   



But the judge said, "I do not believe                       
T'was the purse that you tried to retrieve.                 
For as evidence here                                        
Is that nurse's brassiere --                                
What tricks have you now up your sleeve?"                   
                                                            
21704 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Elaine                   



Said the thug, "You're right, Judge, I got caught;          
The purse was just an afterthought.                         
The brassiere I did take,                                   
'Cause I thought it would make                              
A great double-barreled slingshot!"                         
                                                            
21705 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Elaine                   



Its great to be let out of jail.                            
Though feeling, and looking quite pale,                     
I'll soon get some colour,                                  
When my tum's a bit fuller,                                 
With food and a few pint's of ale!                          
                                                            
21706 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     HoorayHenry              



And then when the bromides wear off,                        
You'll be like a pig at a trough,                           
Taking every chance                                         
To drop down your pants                                     
In the hopes of having a boff.                              
                                                            
21707 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Archie                   



The sad prison bell was a-clanging;                         
The chaplain was mournfully banging                         
On 'bout mankind's sins,                                    
While Governor Flynn                                        
Thought: "Almost it's time for the hanging."                
                                                            
21708 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



A sudden strange silence befalls,                           
The crowd who lives in those grim walls.                    
A screw from that jail                                      
Is hammering a nail,                                        
Then "Ready now, guv'nor!" he calls.                        
                                                            
21709 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



A signal is given, the cord                                 
Pulls tautly, all stand there enthralled,                   
At the ugly grimace                                         
On that mis-shapen face;                                    
The witnesses stand open-jawed.                             
                                                            
21710 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



They stood thus, their mouths open wide;                    
At last though, the chief warder cried,                     
"An expert I ain't,                                         
But that fellow can paint!                                  
'Tis a wonderful pic of your bride."                        
                                                            
21711 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



I stopped in the town, parked my bike,                      
When this woman cop came, mean old shrike.                  
"You can't park that here                                   
The signs are quite clear."                                 
I think the old bitch was a dyke...                         
                                                            
21712 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



'Cause while she was writing the ticket,                    
I pulled out my rod, "Here gal, lick it.                    
And there's no windshield see,                              
So can I go free?"                                          
But that bitch soon found somewhere to stick it.            
                                                            
21713 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



If it's a gal officer, and he knows her,                    
It might work, if he unzips his closure --                  
But, unless he is gay,                                      
A male officer may                                          
Charge him with indecent exposure!                          
                                                            
21714 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



Last night was a cop at my door                             
And pursuant to sub-section 4                               
Paras. 5a and b                                             
Page 1003                                                   
It appears that I've broken the law.                        
                                                            
21715 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



"But what is this sub-section 4                             
Paras. 5a and b of the law?"                                
I said. "Wait; I'll just look",                             
Said the cop, "At this book."                               
(Mumble mumble) "I'm not really sure."                      
                                                            
21716 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



For what seemed like ages and ages                          
The cop flicked through thousands of pages;                 
Then moaned, "I'm distressed                                
For I need this arrest,                                     
Else I won't get my regular wages."                         
                                                            
21717 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



"That's tough", I replied and for fun                       
Kicked his balls quoting sub-section 1                      
Paras. 2, 3 and 4                                           
As he sunk to the floor                                     
And said, "Go back to law-school, my son."                  
                                                            
21718 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



There once was a man named Hooten,                          
Who said he could stop crime and lootin'                    
By marrying away                                            
All single men in a day,                                    
To so stop all the thievery and shootin'.                   
                                                            
21719 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Caesar Primus            



Cesare Lombroso once said                                   
You can tell criminals by the head.                         
Big skulls, beady eyes,                                     
Means it is no surprise                                     
That crime springs from the ways we are bred.               
                                                            
21720 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Jon'a Meyer              



There are some who state biological theory                  
Towards twins and XXY be leery.                             
The behavior, 'tis said,                                    
Doesn't come from their heads,                              
But also from genes that are dreary.                        
                                                            
21721 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     Caesar Primus            



Criminal behavior is learned,                               
Peer gratification is earned.                               
Through communication                                       
Differential association,                                   
Even if friends get burned.                                 
                                                            
21722 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES     R, A, & C                



Sykes and Maatza had their theory;                          
It wasn't their fault they were leery.                      
Denying the pain,                                           
Reassigning the blame;                                      
When you talk to the judge, do it clearly.                  
                                                            
21723 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



A trucker got on the CB,                                    
"Hey breaker, please listen to me.                          
While driving my rig,                                       
I hit me a pig;                                             
It's stuck in the fender, you see."                         
                                                            
21724 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



A voice from the radio said: "Hey,                          
That's easy, I'll show you the way.                         
Just make a few cuts,                                       
Then pull out the guts;                                     
It's sure to fall down on the 'way."                        
                                                            
21725 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



"OK man, that worked, now a clue,                           
About what's the next thing to do.                          
It's out sure enough,                                       
But what 'bout this stuff...                                
His helmet and uniform too."                                
                                                            
21726 COPS AND ROBBERS - ZSERIES                              



At a ranch named the Fragrant Bouquet,                      
The women have all moved away;                              
And seldom is heard                                         
A discouraging word,                                        
Because all of the cowboys are gay.                         
                                                            
21727 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cap'n Bean          P9901



Cowboys love chewin' and spittin'                           
And action like fightin' and hittin'.                       
In numerous cases                                           
They'll go into places                                      
Just to act in a way that ain't fittin'.                    
                                                            
21728 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



To brand, you take an iron bar                              
And heat it red hot in the far,                             
You throw down a calf                                       
And then with a laugh,                                      
You singe his pore little rar.                              
                                                            
21729 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



With a branding iron, hot from the fire,                    
The cowboy tripped over a wire.                             
He plumb missed the calf                                    
And hit poor old Alf,                                       
Who jumped over the moon, only higher.                      
                                                            
21730 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



An over sexed brave 'Rutting Boar,'                         
To a fifty-cent cat house once tore,                        
When his squaw then inquired,                               
Why he came home so tired,                                  
With a weak voice he answered, "Heap Chore."                
                                                            
21731 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Bob Giandomenico    P0201



Cowboy Bob said, "This rodeo sucks;                         
Think I'll quit it and start drivin' trucks.                
Though bronc ridin's my niche,                              
It sure ain't made me rich.                                 
But I did get a couple of bucks.                            
                                                            
21732 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Observer                 



When riding a bucker, take pains                            
To keep careful hold of the reins,                          
Or else try some glue                                       
'Twixt the saddle and you,                                  
Lest the maverick scatter your brains.                      
                                                            
21733 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The Indians were clearly undone;                            
The bullets they couldn't outrun.                           
Each fell from his mount,                                   
And the victors lost count,                                 
And that's How the West Was Won.                            
                                                            
21734 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Al Willis           P9509



Some indians who fought on the prairie,                     
Their hatchets decided to bury.                             
They were buried instead                                    
Into each other's head.                                     
Some stayed alive, but not very.                            
                                                            
21735 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Shelby Forrest           



There was an old squaw named Sarubin                        
Who said to the chief, "Where have you been?"               
He said, "Gathering canoes                                  
From the mud and the ooze,                                  
And I've put them all in the canoe bin."                    
                                                            
21736 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Albin Chaplin   3024-2778



To hear some range-riders talk,                             
And brag on their numerous stock,                           
The most fun alive                                          
Is a long cattle drive,                                     
But cattle don't drive, they just walk.                     
                                                            
21737 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



When John saw the Indian advance,                           
He said, "How!" but he soon looked askance,                 
For the Indian's reply                                      
Was "Chance." John asked why?                               
"Me know how." said the Chief.  "Want chance!"              
                                                            
21738 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Albin Chaplin            



On the island by name Manitoulin,                           
A chief, just to stop any foolin',                          
Padlocked all his squaws                                    
Into chastity drawers,                                      
So that now there's no touchin' -- just droolin'.           
                                                            
21739 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Hugh Oliver           75b



The Indians called a powwow,                                
Trying to stop the white man right now.                     
They wandered away                                          
And called it a day                                         
Because the chiefs could only say "How?"                    
                                                            
21740 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Thomas M. Patton    P9509



A cowboy of dashing and splendor                            
Appeals to the feminine gender,                             
But somehow he's tough                                      
Towards females and fluff,                                  
Though to horses and cows he is tender.                     
                                                            
21741 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Cowboys, we know, take to drinkin'                          
And turn wobbly-legged and stinkin',                        
Then set out with pals                                      
To lasso some gals,                                         
But can't do much other than winkin'.                       
                                                            
21742 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The cowboy went shyly a-courting                            
A maiden they told him was sporting.                        
But when she resisted,                                      
His tongue became twisted.                                  
The outcome is not worth reporting.                         
                                                            
21743 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Old Clyde who had plenty of brass                           
Rode madly up over the pass,                                
Intending to murder                                         
That stinking sheepherder                                   
Whose sheep had grazed off all his grass.                   
                                                            
21744 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Said that randy brave warrior, Chief Logan,                 
"Just had ten Injun gals in my hogan;                       
Whenever I mount 'em,                                       
I don't stop to count 'em.                                  
Never quit till you're pooped, that's my slogan!"           
                                                            
21745 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Armand E Singer       376



In story and film old Dodge City                            
Was a center for sex and tough titty.                       
But historians have shown                                   
That image overblown.                                       
It was moral and quiet (a pity).                            
                                                            
21746 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Ray A. Billington   P9312



There once was a cowboy named Spence,                       
Who had two rules of good common sense.                     
These were, of course,                                      
To love your old horse,                                     
And not sit naked on a barbed wire fence!                   
                                                            
21747 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Ron Sartain              



'Round campfire, see all the men,                           
Squatting on ground, like a zen.                            
Dark coffee they'd pass                                     
And odorous gas,                                            
Stampeding the herd, now and then.                          
                                                            
21748 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Chris Papa               



Said a husky hay-pitcher from Branch,                       
To the ranch owner's daughter named Blanche,                
"Branch lacks houses where men                              
Can get eased now and then,                                 
So I'll just fork around on the ranch."                     
(Leopold Fechtner collection)                               
21749 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Grand Prix Lim  453 P8701



Cowboys get up before dawn,                                 
With many a curse and a yawn;                               
They eat plumb half-hearted,                                
And wait to get started                                     
A day they now claim is half gone.                          
                                                            
21750 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The gun, the head shrinkers tell us,                        
Is man's substitute for a phallus.                          
So the western gun slingers,                                
Having tiny whing-dingers,                                  
Made corpses, not girls, for their solace.                  
                                                            
21751 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Ray A. Billington   P9312



A young cowgirl, who was in pursuit                         
Of a bronc-riding cowgoy named Klute,                       
Asked, "Single or married?"                                 
He smilingly parried,                                       
"Hitched, two bucking, one in the chute."                   
                                                            
21752 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Observer                 



For a bet, in the Western saloon,                           
Fred walked in high heels round the room;                   
He'd drunk too much beer,                                   
Over-balanced I fear,                                       
Ended up head first in the spitoon.                         
                                                            
21753 COWBOYS AND INDIANS                                     



A girl asked her mother one day,                            
"Why are cattle all horny, I pray?"                         
Mother wiped off a smile                                    
And answered: "My chile,                                    
'Cause they hang around cowboys! Okay?"                     
                                                            
21754 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            John E Mayhood      P9901



If a robber says, "This is a stick-up!                      
Give me your hoss or your pick-up!"                         
Unless he's a saint,                                        
Clyde'll part with ol' Paint                                
Without even so much as a hiccup.                           
                                                            
21755 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young cowboy named Keele,                       
Well known for his hard working zeal,                       
Whose friends said he swore                                 
That while he was poor,                                     
He would call his white horse Stainless Steel.              
(not enough money to call it Silver - McW)                  
21756 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            A. N. Wilkins       P8412



I love traveling that scenic road,                          
Down south, where a cowboy once showed                      
Me how to straddle,                                         
A western type saddle;                                      
His pistol to lock and reload.                              
                                                            
21757 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Carol                    



Oh, Clyde he got hung in a wire gate                        
And fervently cursed at his dire fate;                      
He words, so heartfelt,                                     
Caused the wire to melt,                                    
And he got home in time to retire, late.                    
                                                            
21758 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



No rainfall had watered their plants                        
Till they did an old Indian dance;                          
Then the skies opened wide,                                 
But they still can't decide,                                
Was it due to their chants or to chance?                    
                                                            
21759 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Laurence Perrine    P8908



Our treatment of the Indian was bad.                        
We left him unfed and unclad.                               
We stole all his land,                                      
And made him disband.                                       
In a word, the redman was had.                              
                                                            
21760 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Gifford Wherry           



To win the West has small demands                           
On us to use our naughty glands.                            
For us to snide and leer,                                   
So let me volunteer,                                        
"The white man fucked the Indians."                         
                                                            
21761 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Irving Superior     P9509



There once was a cowboy named Weed,                         
Prone to get thrown from his steed.                         
So he took a big wrench,                                    
Bolted spurs to the cinch;                                  
Now he stays in the saddle, guaranteed.                     
                                                            
21762 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Ron Sartain              



From the Northeast to the western plains,                   
We reneged on most treaties and claims.                     
Others, we set aside,                                       
Often by genocide,                                          
But kept multitudes of their place names.                   
                                                            
21763 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



A cowboy is fond of his whiskey;                            
It makes him ferociously frisky.                            
So heed my advice:                                          
Don't go with one twice,                                    
'Cause once is sufficiently risky.                          
                                                            
21764 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A cowboy rode fast 'round a pasture,                        
Pursuing a girl who ran faster.                             
She shouted, "You dope,                                     
You haven't a hope.                                         
I'm in love with a whistling bull wrassler!"                
                                                            
21765 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Like that lusty young cowboy, McGraw,                       
Who's abnormally quick on the draw,                         
And in spring, at his peak,                                 
Can go on for a week                                        
At the rate of a dozen an 'aw'.                             
                                                            
21766 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Keith MacMillan     A134B



Dependence on meals of dried beans,                         
Gave white men both motive and means--                      
With flames near their asses,                               
When warriors made passes,                                  
They torched them to red smithereens!                       
                                                            
21767 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Mark Levy           P9509



There once was a cowboy out west                            
Who, at branding the cows was the best.                     
Each wrangler'd admire                                      
All his irons in the fire,                                  
And the cattle were greatly impressed.                      
                                                            
21768 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Bob Giandomenico    P8811



Two miners, Jim Reed and Tim Russell,                       
Made camp here with hustle and bustle.                      
One dug for his dream,                                      
One panned in the stream.                                   
All's gone now save reeds and their rustle.                 
                                                            
21769 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Laurence Perrine    P8412



An Indian chief had a daughter,                             
Whose name, for us, is Sparkling Water.                     
She met a young brave;                                      
Did she dare misbehave?                                     
Forgot everything that her ma taught her.                   
                                                            
21770 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Arthur Pattaffy          



A myopic young brave, Blighted Bird,                        
Couldn't tell heads from tails, all concurred.              
Coming from the war path,                                   
He brought down the chiefs wrath,                           
For the scalps that he took, looked absurd.                 
                                                            
21771 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Bob Giandomenico    P2006



...The deer and the antelope roam...                        
And the Indians kicked from their home;                     
Where the settlers decide                                   
If they dare go outside,                                    
They'd never again need a comb.                             
                                                            
21772 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Irving Superior     P9901



The Old West has vanished, I fear,"                         
Complained a gunslinger named Lear.                         
"Because what I get                                         
At each launderette                                         
Is, 'Don't wash your horse blanket here.'"                  
                                                            
21773 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            A. N. Wilkins       P8412



A cowboy from Cody, Wyoming                                 
Abandoned his life of wild roaming,                         
Chasing heifers and llamas,                                 
When a girl in pajamas                                      
Got his hormonal juices all foaming.                        
                                                            
21774 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            John E Mayhood      P9901



A cowboy whose cock ne'er grew stale,                       
Rubbed its head when he couldn't get tail.                  
So the whores left behind him,                              
To easily find him,                                         
Could follow the old jism trail.                            
                                                            
21775 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            John Eggerton       P0103



A macho old cowboy in Callahan                              
Did brag:  "Man, with every gal ah can                      
Ride 'er like a bucking bronc                               
Behind the old honkytonk,                                   
Just like before with her mama, man!"                       
                                                            
21776 COWBOYS AND INDIANS                                     



Arthur, a Peruvian old fart,                                
Sold his wares from his two-wheeled cart.                   
All were fashioned by hand                                  
In this most ancient land,                                  
He's known as pre-Columbian Art.                            
                                                            
21777 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Tom Patton          P0010



A furious cowboy named Clyde,                               
Rode madly across the divide;                               
He continued downhill                                       
At the same pace until                                      
He fell in the ocean and died.                              
                                                            
21778 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The 'Indian Love Song', I'll bet                            
Is a song that you'll never forget.                         
The sentiment grand                                         
(Like Custer's Last Stand)--                                
It starts..."Red Tail in the Sunset."                       
                                                            
21779 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Martin Wellborn     P9110



A Calgary cowboy named Pete                                 
Was put down by them western elite --                       
So he moved to Quebec --                                    
Said "Mais oui, what the heck,                              
Now I'm rodeo champ of St. Tite!"                           
                                                            
21780 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Joyce Hibbert, Quebec 91b



Clyde was a roper of style;                                 
He twirled with finesse and a smile.                        
He took all his bows                                        
But forgot about cows,                                      
And his lariat missed by a mile.                            
                                                            
21781 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Said Indian Chief, Running Bear,                            
"This shaving of gals isn't fair!                           
I've found that my braves,                                  
When raiding their caves,                                   
Are no longer lifting their hair!"                          
                                                            
21782 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Frank Sfa                



In the west, the prospectors of old                         
Thought that pyrite could never be sold.                    
But with western films now,                                 
Hollywood has learned how                                   
To make millions retailing fool's gold.                     
                                                            
21783 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            A. N. Wilkins       P8412



A sheepherder known as Good Sam                             
Fell flat on a sweet little lamb.                           
"Oh golly," he said,                                        
"I've killed it plumb dead,                                 
And frankly, I don't give a damn."                          
                                                            
21784 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A sheepherder, fat as a coot,                               
Piled stones up to mark out his route.                      
The stones started joggin'                                  
And fell on his noggin,                                     
And now he is crazy to boot.                                
                                                            
21785 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A sheepherder's wagon is small;                             
Just a bunk and a stove and a wall.                         
He can cook and can sleep                                   
And can tend to his sheep,                                  
But overnight guests?  Not at all.                          
                                                            
21786 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There once was a sheriff quite bossy,                       
Who indulged in a bit too much sauce.  He                   
Ordered his punks                                           
To round up the drunks --                                   
Was thrown in own tank by his POSSE.                        
                                                            
21787 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            J'Carlin                 



Shoeing a horse can be bruising;                            
The cowboy's in danger of losing;                           
A kick near the thigh                                       
With send him sky-high --                                   
A flight that he won't find amusing.                        
                                                            
21788 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There once was a simple young plowboy                       
Wo went westward (He would be a cowboy);                    
For practice, he'd shoot                                    
At the pestilent fruit                                      
Who'd accost him with "How 'bout some chow, boy?"           
                                                            
21789 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Robin K. Willoughby P8412



A cowboy both silent and shy                                
Fell in love with a girl on the sly.                        
But he wouldn't shout                                       
So she never found out,                                     
And she married a talkative guy.                            
                                                            
21790 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A straight cowboy's nightmare, perhaps,                     
Is knowing that he has the claps;                           
But not from some filly,                                    
For that would be silly,                                    
Since he sleeps with just his old chaps.                    
                                                            
21791 COWBOYS AND INDIANS                                     



Pure rancour spurred conquering forces;                     
On plains rode wild men on their courses.                   
Without ladies awhile,                                      
They grew testy and vile--                                  
See, they had to sleep with their horses.                   
                                                            
21792 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Mark Levy           P9509



A cowpoke from South Lubbock, TX,                           
Said, "Durnit! Them women exPX                              
T'be some kinda stud,                                       
With a railroad spike pud,                                  
And a flat rock in our solar-PLX.                           
                                                            
21793 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Robin K Willoughby  P9901



A guy asked two jays at St. Louis                           
What kind of an Indian a Souis.                             
They said, "We're no en-                                    
Cyclopedia, by hen!"                                        
Said the guy, "If you fellows St. Whois?"                   
                                                            
21794 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            F G Christgau     (Bibby)



Though little in life is for sure,                          
Three things on the ranch will endure --                    
Sticky mud to your thighs,                                  
Ugly bugs every size,                                       
And a steady supply of manure.                              
                                                            
21795 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



An old Texas cowboy once heared                             
That his boots were not highly revered.                     
He installed Dr. Scholl's                                   
Odor-Eater controls,                                        
And the next day he plumb disappeared.                      
                                                            
21796 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Mary Sullivan            



The Red Man once owned the US                               
And someday he may repossess.                               
Suppose he should muster                                    
And then, just like Custer,                                 
Start whooping around your address.                         
                                                            
21797 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Irving Superior     P9311



Well, Pardner, please kindly recall                         
How you taught this ol' cowpoke in stall                    
Number 4, night by night,                                   
The real meaning of 'tight',                                
In your spread that was stretched wall-to-wall.             
                                                            
21798 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Travis Brasell           



A ranch hand, called Tenderass Pete,                        
Said, "I ride the range, I think it is neat.                
And I'd ride it much more,                                  
But my ass gets so sore,                                    
And I just cannot sleep on my feet."                        
                                                            
21799 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            William N Nesbit    P9901



One morning while riding the pass,                          
In search of some new winter grass,                         
For my cows to eat,                                         
I looked toward my feet,                                    
And found my mare up to my ass.                             
                                                            
21800 COWBOYS AND INDIANS                                     



Around the fire the old braves cluster,                     
And talk 'bout their long-gone lustre.                      
And when they fell "Ugh!"                                   
Collectively they shrug,                                    
And re re re re re-live Custer.                             
                                                            
21801 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Irving Superior     P9509



While rocking along at a lope,                              
His horse bucked him off on a slope.                        
It wounded his pride,                                       
So now, for a ride,                                         
Clyde ties himself on with a rope.                          
                                                            
21802 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A stranger from old Timbuctoo                               
Turned rancher, a real buckaroo.                            
Bought a bronco, did Kim.                                   
A bronco named Tim,                                         
But Kim didn't know Tim Bucked too!                         
                                                            
21803 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Laurence Perrine    P8412



Tales told by a cowgirl in Biggar,                          
Caused all of her girl friends to snigger.                  
She complained that her suitor,                             
A stand-up straight shooter,                                
Was always too quick on the trigger.                        
                                                            
21804 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            John E Mayhood      P0012



Just follow the southern-most trail,                        
Until you arrive at the dale                                
That's next to the glade,                                   
Where I like to trade                                       
For beaver and pieces of tail.                              
                                                            
21805 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Travis Brasell           



The old Indian Chief grunted, "How?"                        
White man's guns barked, "Pow-pow-pow!"                     
Then a treaty was signed                                    
With crossed fingers behind--                               
White man say, "This is my country now!"                    
                                                            
21806 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Ann Gasser          P9311



Said the Indian Chief to his braves,                        
From the way that the White Man behaves,                    
We will get back our plains                                 
Very soon without pains,                                    
Whereas he will be back in his caves.                       
                                                            
21807 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Albin Chaplin   3024-2464



The cowboy wore spurs on his boot heels,                    
And clanked them like musical bell peals.                   
He kicked them so high,                                     
He caught his own thigh --                                  
Now he knows how his suffering horse feels.                 
                                                            
21808 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A cowboy, bow-legged, named Cox;                            
His brother, knock-kneed, without socks;                    
While matching each stride                                  
Both swaggered with pride;                                  
They could walk and the same time, spell "OX".              
                                                            
21809 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Thomas M Patton     P9901



Two brothers went west with the itch.                       
One did and one didn't get rich.                            
One died in a whorehouse,                                   
And one in the poorhouse,                                   
But no one recalls which was which.                         
                                                            
21810 COWBOYS AND INDIANS            Laurence Perrine    P8412



My name's William Bonney indeed,                            
But 'Billy the Kid' when I bleed                            
Their husbands for ransom.                                  
The wives call me handsome,                                 
And thrill to my boyish bad seed.                           
                                                            
21811 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS H Whelchel               



By his wife's grave stood Billy the Kid,                    
With his feelings not very well hid.                        
Said, "By heavens above,                                    
You still can make love,                                    
Just as well now as you ever did."                          
                                                            
21812 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Clarence E. Boyle   P8410



The kid, all the world knows as Billy,                      
Had drives that to some would seem silly.                   
When longing for fun                                        
He'd grab his firm gun --                                   
The handload he shot was a dilly.                           
                                                            
21813 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Tuycker D. Ott      P9002



From History (West) 101,                                    
Three answers  - How the West Was Won.                      
The whiskey they brung,                                     
White-mans forked tongue,                                   
And Gatling, that son-of-a-gun.                             
                                                            
21814 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Irving Superior     P9509



The Cassidy Kid and Butch Dance,                            
The kind of guys who took a chance.                         
Though history's not sure,                                  
We now think they were                                      
Habitually stealing men's pants.                            
                                                            
21815 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS                          



The greenhorn went out on a roundup                         
To learn all the skills from the ground up,                 
But thieves got the word                                    
And captured the herd,                                      
And left him abandoned and bound up.                        
                                                            
21816 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The Dalton gang found them a mode                           
For busting new banks as they rode.                         
A handsome young feller                                     
Would seduce a teller                                       
Who'd lay by the safe while she blowed.                     
                                                            
21817 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Tucker D. Ott       P9002



The dangerous bandit Alfredo,                               
Walked out in the streets of Laredo                         
And drew, as a joke,                                        
On the Ricochet Oak                                         
"Alfredo's been laid in the shade-o'."                      
                                                            
21818 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Cybergeezer              



There once was a law dog named Doc,                         
Who didn't run with the flock.                              
He drank and he gambled,                                    
Went whoring and rambled,                                   
And upstaged every man on the block.                        
                                                            
21819 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Planet Kilmer            



On the North Platte, near Deadwood, Chad Quest              
Who among the fast guns, was the best.                      
"We don't know that he's fast,"                             
Several bawds said at last,                                 
"But he's quickest to come this far West."                  
                                                            
21820 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



The Red man and White man concur.                           
A bottle of whiskey per fur.                                
Then White man, heap greed,                                 
"Two furs I'll now need."                                   
And Red man gets ugh ugh-li-er.                             
                                                            
21821 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Irving Superior     P2005



The outlaw that held the big gun said:                      
"I'm counting, and need only one dead                       
Town marshal, no more,                                      
To bring up my score                                        
Of gun fighting kills to one hundred."                      
                                                            
21822 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Anon                     



The gunfight at OK Corral                                   
Was really fought over a gal.                               
The issue was honor:                                        
Who first would get on her --                               
The gunsmoke near wiped out poor Sal.                       
                                                            
21823 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Tucker D. Ott       P9002



The poker-faced wrangler call, "Draw!"                      
(T'was the card game he'd learnt from his paw)              
So they drew on him, gunned                                 
Him down. He lay bleeding and stunned,                      
He moaned, "How about 'Go fish'...? from the flaw.          
                                                            
21824 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Robin K. Willoughby P8412



Said the prisoner, "I must look my best,                    
Polished boots and a suit neatly pressed,                   
At my 'party' today;                                        
I will hardly feel gay,                                     
And I dress up when I get depressed."                       
                                                            
21825 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS John Miller 0127         



Said the chaplain, "I think your request                    
Can be met, and at your behest,                             
Perhaps Sam the Mortician                                   
Cna improve your condition                                  
With some duds from a client at rest."                      
                                                            
21826 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS John Miller 0127A        



Said the Sheriff, "Since you are my guest,                  
I'll be proud if you're wearing a vest,                     
With your necktie just right,                               
You could go down tonight                                   
As 'Horse thief: Best dressed in the West!'"                
                                                            
21827 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS John Miller 0127b        



"Though the Jesse James holdups were grim,                  
From all banks and trains," declared Jim,                   
"The guy didn't take                                        
As much as we make                                          
From one Western film about him."                           
                                                            
21828 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS A. N. Wilkins       P8412



In springtime, right after last rains,                      
The James gang went robbing fast trains.                    
Their foodstuff deficiency                                  
Caused top-notch efficiency.                                
Which show how well throbbing fast trains.                  
                                                            
21829 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Tucker D. Ott       P9002



Jesse James, when he got feeling cranky,                    
Would hold up a stage or a bank; he                         
Brought loot to his girl,                                   
Who sniffed, "Amscray, you churl,                           
Till your cockstand can hold up a hankie!"                  
                                                            
21830 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Robin K. Willoughby P8412



We will force them all to disband.                          
I know God will support our side and                        
The injuns are dumb;                                        
They'll have to succumb.                                    
A savage has no right to land.                              
                                                            
21831 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS Al Willis           P9509



Vigilantes strung up the wrong cuss;                        
His widow made a rip-snortin' fuss;                         
Contrite as all hell,                                       
They rang her doorbell,                                     
"The joke, ma'am, I guess is on us!"                        
                                                            
21832 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - BAD GUYS                          



Little known, is that Buffalo Bill,                         
Would perform bizarre acts for a thrill.                    
He would enter his staff                                    
In a buffalo calf,                                          
And then smoke his ex-love on a grill.                      
                                                            
21833 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   William N Nesbit    P9901



In the courtroom with Buffalo Bill                          
Two bulls tried to buffalo Bill.                            
"Spite his passion and skill,                               
He's no license to kill,                                    
So we've brought 'gainst this buff a low bill."             
                                                            
21834 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Laurence Perrine    P8501



A tidbit on wild Wyatt Earp.                                
He'd shoot anybody who'd burp.                              
It sounded like mocking,                                    
And even more shocking,                                     
Were those who'd drink soup with a slurp.                   
                                                            
21835 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Irving Superior          



In the earliest days of Dodge City,                         
If your draw was not fast, 'twas a pity.                    
On the stone at your head                                   
The inscription that said                                   
Something sad was so apt to be witty!                       
                                                            
21836 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Loony Limericks     P9408



One day, in Dodge City, Kit Carson,                         
Decided to bugger the parson,                               
Who said when recovered:                                    
"That burns, dear belovered,                                
That fellow committed arse arson."                          
                                                            
21837 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Tiddy Ogg                



Well, what about old Marshall Dillon?                       
That lawman found most women willin'.                       
I heard that Miss Kitty                                     
Gave him more than titty.                                   
The marshall's six-gun, she was thrillin'.                  
                                                            
21838 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Frank Fazed              



When villains did dastardly deeds,                          
The cowboys arrived on their steeds,                        
Conveniently mobile,                                        
Prepared to be noble,                                       
Fulfilling whatever the needs.                              
                                                            
21839 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   R. J. Winkler       P8412



Said the bride of a sheriff out west,                       
"Before we bed down, I suggest                              
You remove all those burrs,                                 
Your revolver and spurs,                                    
And that sharp-pointed star on your chest."                 
                                                            
21840 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES                            



We've lynched a few innocent guys;                          
At OK Corral, big surprise.                                 
The crooks were dispatched                                  
By gunslingers matched,                                     
With big Sheriff's stars in their eyes.                     
                                                            
21841 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Chris Papa               



Osceola, it is my belief,                                   
With his Florida folks suffered grief.                      
But his tribe multiplied.                                   
They survived, deified,                                     
Because he was their seminal chief.                         
                                                            
21842 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



In this story, a plot to usurp'll                           
Discombobulate crooks, if no twerp'll                       
Inform on the cause                                         
Of Justice and laws,                                        
As the heroes cross sage that is purple.                    
                                                            
21843 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   R. J. Winkler       P8412



Hello, I'm Roy Rogers. With Dale,                           
My wife, I ride out on the trail.                           
She wants me to frig her,                                   
But I prefer Trigger,                                       
That's why I will end up in jail.                           
                                                            
21844 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Tiddy Ogg                



A young Indian fighter named Raft                           
Was pierced in the chest by a shaft.                        
He could manage a smile                                     
Only once in a while,                                       
For it hurt very much when he laughed.                      
                                                            
21845 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Albin Chaplin 3024  P9501



Howdy, I'm Tex Ritter, I ride,                              
White Flash on these trails with pride.                     
There's room on my saddle,                                  
For Dale to straddle,                                       
While with Trigger you're occupied.                         
                                                            
21846 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Carole                   



The sheriff of small town Piscataway                        
Like a fool let the robbers get flat away.                  
His chance he did piss away,                                
When the robbers went this-a-way,                           
And the sheriff in haste took off that-a-way.               
                                                            
21847 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES                            



The fastest draw of great fame                              
Kept his gun in his pants - what a shame.                   
'Cause he drew at High Noon,                                
Pulled the trigger too soon.                                
"Wild Bill Hick" is now his new name.                       
                                                            
21848 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Theo M. Heller      P9509



Wild Bill Hickok and several card cheats                    
In the backroom had taken their seats.                      
Bill was shot in the belly                                  
As he dined with Fast Nelly --                              
In his hands they found asses and eats.                     
(instead of aces and eights now called 'dead mans hand')    
21849 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Martin Wellborn     P8412



As a gunslinger, Wild Bill Hickok                           
Had mastered every know trick-shot.                         
But his skills while in bed                                 
Leave less to be said,                                      
For nothing could make his small dick hot.                  
                                                            
21850 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES                       P8205



Well, hey, now, my name's Wyatt Earp,                       
I've been known to fight, fart, and burp.                   
I once met that silly                                       
L'il kid they call Billy                                    
And kicked the crap out of that twerp!                      
                                                            
21851 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   H Whelchel               



Wyatt Earp chewed tobacco, the clod!                        
Which continued to a habit quite odd:                       
When he popped out his chaw,                                
While he practiced his draw,                                
It was clear, he'd been shooting his wad!                   
                                                            
21852 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES                            



So sensitive was Wyatt Earp                                 
In Dodge no man his soup could slurp.                       
To Earp it became                                           
An insult to his name.                                      
Boot Hill's filled with men who'd burp.                     
                                                            
21853 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HEROES   Irving Superior     P8412



On the shores of the great Gitchygoomi,                     
Hiawatha was standing, quite gloomy.                        
Watching birds and beasts mating;                           
'Twas time he was dating.                                   
"I will build a canoe, big and roomy."                      
                                                            
21854 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



So he built it with birch sticks and hides,                 
And lined it with 'coon fur inside,                         
And a chrome figurehead                                     
Of a squaw giving head,                                     
Imagining it his future bride.                              
                                                            
21855 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



Some scholars of certain genus,                             
Have suggestied this "girl eating penis"                    
Motif thus inspired                                         
Anon, that great bard,                                      
In creating the epic "Ship Venus."                          
                                                            
21856 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



He filled it with all sorts of treasure,                    
Blankets and furs without measure.                          
And some silk negliglee                                     
He bought at Ira Hays,                                      
Which he thought would give all the girls pleasure.         
                                                            
21857 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



(Ira Hays fought the Japs in the war,                       
Turned to drink, like so many before.                       
His life turned to ash,                                     
As told by Johnny Cash,                                     
And he died in a ditch, sickly poor.)                       
                                                            
21858 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



(You may think there's a rift in chronology,                
But for this I will make no apology.                        
Pass to Einstein your query,                                
It's all due to his theory                                  
Of space-time and twists in cosmology.                      
                                                            
21859 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



All the birds whistled, "Hey Hiawatha!                      
You really are such a tosser!"                              
And they all dropped their kak                              
On his wondrous kayak,                                      
Which caused him a great deal of bother.                    
                                                            
21860 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



He pondered now which way to go,                            
And decided to drift with the flow.                         
'Cause if he found a whore,                                 
Then he'd give her an oar,                                  
Which would double his power to row.                        
                                                            
21861 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



He arrived at the land of the Chippewas,                    
And he found that the ladies there were no bras.            
But with the braves' meat,                                  
He could not compete.                                       
He had never seen such big cigars.                          
                                                            
21862 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



(Now that last verse was quite spurious,                    
And Longfellow would have been furious,                     
But the Chippewa word                                       
Has an ending absurd,                                       
So to rhyme it, I was very curious.)                        
                                                            
21863 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



Down the great Gitchygoomi he drifted,                      
And at last his poor spirits were lifted,                   
For there in a glade                                        
Stood a young Indian maid,                                  
And with bosoms she was truly gifted.                       
                                                            
21864 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



When he saw this wonderful creature,                        
Admiring 'most every feature,                               
He cried, "Lady, Hey!                                       
I'll take you away."                                        
(Romance was not in his nature.)                            
                                                            
21865 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



She said, "'Fore you take me away,                          
My old daddy you will have to pay.                          
And those moth-eaten furs                                   
And blankets of yours,                                      
Ain't much, dude, so you'd better play...                   
                                                            
21866 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



..."It careful and sly with my dad,                         
'Cause the old fart's not easily had.                       
If you want your nookie,                                    
You'll be a smart cookie,                                   
Or you will get nothing, my lad."                           
                                                            
21867 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



It's true daddy was hard to please,                         
But grovelling down on his knees,                           
And a porn book or two                                      
Saw our hero come through,                                  
And caused the old man to unfreeze.                         
                                                            
21868 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



"So take my girl, Laughing Dollar,                          
Or as you call the bitch, Money-Ha-Ha.                      
She's naught but a jerk,                                    
Does no stroke of work,                                     
She ain't worth the half of a Mars bar."                    
                                                            
21869 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



So 'Watha sailed off with his prize,                        
With his eyes firmly fixed on her thighs.                   
But did she help row?                                       
I tell you No! No!                                          
She happily took a free ride.                               
                                                            
21870 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



At her muff he's continually peering,                       
Not looking quite where he is steering,                     
And they'd ground.  Hiawatha                                
Would thereupon boff 'er,                                   
While the birds and the beasts all stood cheering.          
                                                            
21871 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



Now I know what you're going to say,                        
Tiddy's verses all end the same way.                        
With a down-trodden fell-                                   
ow going through Hell.                                      
For the rest of his life, he would pay.                     
                                                            
21872 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



But no, once young Money'd been laid,                       
She really came out from her shade.                         
She was sexy and cute,                                      
Knew the whole Kama Sut-                                    
ra and pleased him the rest of their days.                  
                                                            
21873 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - HIAWATHA Tiddy Ogg                



They were camped in a city, Toronto,                        
The exiled Lone Ranger and Tonto;                           
Feeling ever so lonely,                                     
He chased after his only,                                   
Pleading, "Give me some tail, I mean pronto."               
                                                            
21874 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Armand Singer            



He bedded alone, this Lone Ranger;                          
No lady to perch on his twanger.                            
In the morn when he woke,                                   
With no-one to poke,                                        
The crack of dawn was in danger.                            
                                                            
21875 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Bob Watson               



Whenever the Ranger yelled "Tonto!"                         
It didn't take much to catch on to                          
The fact that the plot                                      
Had crooks to be caught,                                    
So Tonto attended him pronto.                               
                                                            
21876 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER R. J. Winkler       P8412



The Ranger, too often like ill Ver-                         
Onese, felt compulsion to swill ver-                        
Micelli until,                                              
Increasingly ill,                                           
He belloweed in pain, "Heigh-ho, Silver!"                   
                                                            
21877 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Robin K. Willoughby P8412



"In Paris it comes as a wrench,"                            
Observed an old tourist named Mensch,                       
"When Westerns appear                                       
On TV and you hear                                          
Them shout, 'Hi ho, Silver!' in French."                    
                                                            
21878 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER A. N. Wilkins       P8412



The faithful companion is dead.                             
The Lone Ranger filled him with lead.                       
This result came about,                                     
When the Ranger found out                                   
That "Kemo-sabe" always meant "Shit-head."                  
                                                            
21879 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER John K. Roberts     P9302



The Lone Ranger, captured by bad guys,                      
Last wished for a smoke; they were unwise.                  
He puffed mightely,                                         
Hoping Tonto would see                                      
Smoke signals to rescue him, rise.                          
                                                            
21880 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Jim Weaver Collection    



Over the hill Tonto rode,                                   
With Indian girls all in tow.                               
The Ranger was bummed                                       
That he was so dumb;                                        
Posse, not pussy, he bellowed!                              
                                                            
21881 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Jim Weaver Collection    



The Lone Ranger was writing his will -- ver-                
Sion II -- since he'd gotten quite ill; ver-                
Sion I had named Tonto                                      
But now he said, "I want to                                 
Leave all of my fortune to Silver."                         
                                                            
21882 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Robin K. Willoughby P8412



On the range, a young cowgirl named Granger,                
Was seduced by a copper-skinned stranger.                   
It was Tonto, no less,                                      
But he lacked the finesse                                   
Of the man in the mask -- The Lone Ranger.                  
                                                            
21883 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Albin Chaplin   3024-2974



As far as his masked eye could see,                         
Surrounding them were Cherokee.                             
You take left, me right;                                    
Till death we will fight.                                   
Tonto mounts. "What do you mean we?"                        
                                                            
21884 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER S&M                      



A lively young girl of Toronto                              
Was harder than hell to hold on to.                         
It required the Lone Ranger,                                
With his horse, and a stranger,                             
To restrain her while fucking old Tonto.                    
                                                            
21885 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Albin Chaplin   3024-0355



"Who was that masked man?" they cried,                      
"And what was he doing inside                               
Of your dark bedroom?                                       
Was he in your womb?"                                       
"No," she said, coy, "But, he tried."                       
                                                            
21886 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER                          



He bedded alone, this Lone Ranger.                          
No lady to perch on his twanger.                            
In the morn when he woke,                                   
With no one to poke,                                        
The crack of dawn was in danger.                            
                                                            
21887 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER                          



Oh, Marlboro Man, or Lone Ranger,                           
Or Redford, or you, Handsome Stranger,                      
To lift up your mask                                        
Is all that I ask,                                          
And roll you around in the manger.                          
                                                            
21888 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Lone Ranger, you're selfish as sin, so                      
Your bias we'll have to look into --                        
For Silver, of course, is                                   
The Rolls Royce of horses,                                  
While Tonto gets only a Pinto.                              
                                                            
21889 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The masked man said, "Those Indians out there               
Want our horses!  Our guns!  And our hair!                  
So it looks like we're dead!"                               
"That's tough shit," Tonto said,                            
"But quite frankly, white-eyes, I don't care."              
                                                            
21890 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER William N Nesbit    P0010



Lone Ranger said, "Silver, you're true blue.                
I'll live with nobody but you."                             
And that's why the lasses                                   
Exclaim as he passes,                                       
"Who was that masked man -- Phe-eww!"                       
                                                            
21891 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - L RANGER Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



"In a western," observed Mr. Shirk,                         
"The villain is always a jerk,                              
Who shows every way                                         
That crime doesn't pay,                                     
Except that of writing the work."                           
                                                            
21892 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   A. N. Wilkins       P8412



Holt, Gibson, Mix - those cowboys past!                     
They'd "shucks" but never kiss a lass.                      
And at the end                                              
Would Westward wend.                                        
Those days were called, "The Horse's Ass."                  
                                                            
21893 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Irving Superior     P8205



"A greeting card I need," said Ibsen,                       
"To send to a friend -- I don't fib, son.                   
My requests before                                          
You simply ignore.                                          
Perhaps you don't give a hoot, Gibson."                     
                                                            
21894 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Thomas M Patton     P9901



A cowboy of strength and audacity                           
Consumed beer with prodigious capacity.                     
What he swilled down in taverns                             
Could fill Carlbad Caverns!                                 
That's why he's called "Hop-along" Cassidy.                 
                                                            
21895 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Vassar W. Smith     P9506



One man combining brawn and brain--                         
For Indians, complete disdain--                             
One man would not quit;                                     
One man with True Grit;                                     
The hero of the West, John Wayne.                           
                                                            
21896 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Irving Superior     P9509



Some heroes in Westerns were bored                          
By heroines villains adored.                                
But cared for the needs                                     
Of intelligent steeds,                                      
Till justice and peace were restored.                       
                                                            
21897 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   R J Winkler         P8412



The posse, in many a thriller,                              
Would bungle when chasing a killer;                         
Though horsemen were dense,                                 
Their horses showed sense --                                
The plot made the audience iller.                           
                                                            
21898 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   R. J. Winkler       P8412



Old Roy has now been rebuffed                               
And his pride? It has now been scuffed.                     
"Horse," he did say,                                        
"Want some more hay?"                                       
Said Trigger, "No thanks, I am stuffed!"                    
                                                            
21899 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Les Stewart              



Then Roy Rogers rode in on trigger,                         
Dale Evans said "How could I figure                         
That big palomina                                           
Would have such a weiner,                                   
And Roy's would be 8 inches bigger."                        
                                                            
21900 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Theo M. Heller      P9509



Roy Rogers has trouble with Trigger;                        
He sings and the horse will just snigger                    
When he hits the high notes.                                
So Roy took back the oats --                                
Which makes him a dirty reneger.                            
                                                            
21901 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Arthur Deex         P8209



When I was a boy, it was Roy!                               
A cap gun my favorite toy.                                  
To the radio glued                                          
As he shot the bade dude,                                   
Pretending I'd shot him!...What joy!                        
                                                            
21902 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   TuttaGioia               



When Buttermilk met up with Trigger,                        
She used all her horse sense to 'figger'                    
That Roy would wed Dale                                     
(A cowgirl, his frail)                                      
Unless she backed out, a reneger.                           
                                                            
21903 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   R. J. Winkler       P8412



No reunion can ever compete                                 
With one Roy Rogers makes so complete.                      
It's the annual fete                                        
For his late horse so great,                                
Held each Holloween, called "Trigger's Treat."              
                                                            
21904 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9608



The lady who stuffed the late Trigger                       
Kept a part for herself, for a frigger.                     
But this lust-inspired ploy                                 
Didn't slip past old Roy,                                   
Who wailed, "Dang 'er! His whanger was bigger!"             
                                                            
21905 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Robin K. Willoughby P8412



He wore chaps and a torn leather vest.                      
He ate food you'd never digest.                             
He was a cowhand,                                           
Who tamed the land.                                         
He liked screwing Miss Kitty the best.                      
                                                            
21906 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Thomas M. Patton    P9509



In Westerns, quite often, a varlet,                         
With sins that were crimson or scarlet,                     
Had eyes for a girl                                         
Disdaining the churl! --                                    
A role for an innocent starlet.                             
                                                            
21907 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   R. J. Winkler       P8412



"In most westerns," declared Mr. Barter,                    
"The heroine is, as a starter,                              
More pretty by far                                          
That the hero and star,                                     
And his horse usually seems somewhat smarter."              
                                                            
21908 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   A. N. Wilkins       P8412



He was born too soon, poor old Tom Mix.                     
Kissing horses was his only kicks.                          
He'd have lots more jollies                                 
(As well as more dollies)                                   
Driving Formula Ones on Gran Prix.                          
                                                            
21909 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   Eos                 P8411



When movies were made by Tom Mix                            
The young and the old got their kicks,                      
As Tom and his horse                                        
(In trouble, of course)                                     
Finagled ways out of a fix.                                 
                                                            
21910 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   R. J. Winkler       P8409



In Westerns, on eyeing a cutie,                             
The villains would lust for her beauty.                     
But heroes ignored                                          
What villains adored,                                       
Responding (most always) to duty.                           
                                                            
21911 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   R. J. Winkler       P8412



Portraying a cowboy, in part,                               
Required a hero with heart,                                 
Both devoted and tender                                     
To the opposite gender --                                   
An actor like William S. Hart.                              
                                                            
21912 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - MOVIES   R. J. Winkler       P8412



With North and South to war inclined,                       
The war to win the West declined.                           
The blood spilled each day                                  
Was either Blue or Gray,                                    
But Red again when peace was signed.                        
                                                            
21913 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Irving Superior          



The soldiers of Custer were clustered;                      
Then mustered they never got flustered.                     
They were scared but declared                               
They were always prepared;                                  
The same as the Boy Scouts or mustard.                      
                                                            
21914 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Albin Chaplin   3024-2502



Colonel Custer said, "Good folks, of course,                
I do not have the slightest remorse                         
For what I have done                                        
To see the West won                                         
And just who is this guy, Crazy Horse?"                     
                                                            
21915 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



An Indian, who claims we can trust her,                     
Insists she was raped by George Custer.                     
Despite what he planned,                                    
His three-inch last stand                                   
Was all Colonel Custer could muster.                        
                                                            
21916 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Ray A. Billington   P9312



The General, though victory could sweeten                   
His career, instead, suffered defeat in                     
Little Big Horn's ironic,                                   
And oxymoronic,                                             
Great battle which saw Custer beaten.                       
(Buster Keaton?)                                            
21917 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Bob Giandominico    P0107



A sergeant at Little Big Horn,                              
Said he wished he had never been born.                      
For the General he'd got                                    
Wasn't really so hot                                        
And he'd not have a scalp in the morn.                      
                                                            
21918 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Warrick Elrod            



The Colonel was noted for luster;                           
His tactics: heroics and bluster.                           
Then old Sitting Bull                                       
An ambush did pull;                                         
And that was the end of poor Custer.                        
                                                            
21919 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Gifford Wherry           



A dashing figure was George Custer;                         
Vain, boastful, and all full of bluster.                    
Was sorry he was born                                       
At the little Bighorn,                                      
When Custer's bluster spelt disuster.                       
                                                            
21920 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Tony Burrell             



With an overabundance of gall,                              
General Custer answered the call;                           
He rode out in force                                        
Against Crazy Horse.                                        
He was riding that spring for a fall.                       
                                                            
21921 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS RDH9995                  



In annals of history, a scribe,                             
With ear to the ground, heard a vibe.                       
He'd Custer advise,                                         
A charge would be wise,                                     
Sure result would cause DIATRIBE.                           
                                                            
21922 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Chris Papa               



That scribe's advice must have been late,                   
For Custer did suffer dire fate;                            
'Twasn't tribe who died,                                    
But troops who lost hide                                    
In face of sharp arrows a spate.                            
                                                            
21923 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Daniel Ford              



At dawn, as the bugle blew muster,                          
Up galloped the bold General Custer.                        
From his feet to his crust,                                 
He was covered with dust.                                   
He said, "Somebody lend me a duster."                       
                                                            
21924 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Michael Palin            



According to wild western lore,                             
As it was George Custer who swore                           
That whatever the test                                      
He'd be properly dressed,                                   
Arrow shirts are the brand that he wore.                    
                                                            
21925 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS A. N. Wilkins       P8701



The old Western General looked grand,                       
As he stood with his gun in his hand,                       
Till a stray Indian arrow                                   
Struck, punctured his marrow...                             
Alas, that was Custer's last stand.                         
                                                            
21926 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS                          



While awaiting the Sioux to disband,                        
Colonel Custer took matters in hand.                        
Despite his dejection,                                      
He achieved an erection.                                    
That was almost Custer's Last Stand.                        
                                                            
21927 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Ray A. Billington   P9312



With a squaw, Custer made out just grand,                   
Till her hubby arrived, Chief Fire Brand.                   
With his spear and a sock,                                  
He removed Custer's jock.                                   
History notes it as Custer's Last Stand.                    
                                                            
21928 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Clarence E. Boyle   P8704



They've found the last entry that Colonel                   
G. A. Custer set down in his journal:                       
"Little Bighorn's been great,                               
And I'd score it an '8',                                    
Except for those injuns infernal."                          
                                                            
21929 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Hugh Clary               



They killed Indians with a Gatling gun,                     
Left few survivors, nary a one.                             
The Feds said they must                                     
Grind Indians to dust,                                      
And thats just the Way The West Was Won.                    
                                                            
21930 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Thomas M. Patton    P9509



George Armstrong Custer's last thought                      
Was not what you've probably been taught.                   
He said, "I don't know                                      
Why those injuns act so --                                  
Last night at the dance, they weren't wrought."             
                                                            
21931 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Arthur Deex         P8407



A captain once told General Custer,                         
"This fighting is losing its luster.                        
It's clear all those Reds                                   
Are out hunting our heads,                                  
Since each wants a scalp for a duster."                     
                                                            
21932 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Warrick Elrod            



What led to the crassness of Custer,                        
With hardly a unit to muster?                               
At the Little Big Horn,                                     
Sitting Bull gave a yawn,                                   
And said, "You're a sitting duck, buster!"                  
                                                            
21933 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Bill Greenwell           



There was a young fellow called Buster,                     
A drab hand 'round the house with a duster.                 
He polished the posh grand,                                 
The large hall and hat stand,                               
And said no more stands for me, I'm not Custer!             
                                                            
21934 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Arthur Pattaffy          



A New Englander homesteader, John,                          
Had thought it was time to move on                          
Out West;  Further West,                                    
Where quiet was best,                                       
A homestead at Little Big Horn.                             
                                                            
21935 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Irving Superior     P9901



A general who faced a defeat,                               
Had called it Strategic Retreat.                            
But the enemy's version                                     
Of this tragic excursion,                                   
Was a massacre, plain and complete.                         
                                                            
21936 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - SOLDIERS Albin Chaplin   3024-2535



A young Chirachauwa Apache,                                 
(A maiden, with pubic hair patchy)                          
Once sat on my paleface                                     
But I ended a jail case,                                    
And my mustache was horribly scratchy.                      
                                                            
21937 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES                            



The Sioux and the Sac have a pact;                          
The wagon train they'll both attack.                        
But the problems they grew:                                 
Clockwise, the Sioux,                                       
And counterclockwise ran the Sac.                           
                                                            
21938 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Irving Superior     P9901



That great tribal leader, Cochise,                          
Took a two-story wigwam on lease.                           
Then he filled it with squaws                               
And explained, "That because                                
It's high time I started papeese."                          
                                                            
21939 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Brandy Brandon      P9509



By the bay where the trees stand in groves;                 
Where a big tribe of Indians goes.                          
In the dark of the night,                                   
When the moon is just right,                                
It's a place the natives come in droves.                    
                                                            
21940 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Tom Patton          P0204



In Connecticut injuns liked to                              
Just wear pant legs with a tutu.                            
Just a small bit of skin                                    
For the front and rear end,                                 
Was all that the injuns wore through.                       
                                                            
21941 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES                            



A medicine man from the Sioux                               
Used to color his features bright blue.                     
When asked why he dyed,                                     
"My squaw," he replied,                                     
"Likes to look at the sky when we screw."                   
                                                            
21942 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Hugh Oliver           88a



Those now known by the title, First Nation,                 
Now seek to attain higher station.                          
Their current desire                                        
Is the name First Empire,                                   
With quadruply increased compensation.                      
                                                            
21943 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Jim Weaver Collection    



A Blackfoot whose pecker was vast,                          
Made the silent squaws scream when he'd blast.              
When he hankered to screw,                                  
He'd select twenty-two,                                     
And their first fuck was often their last.                  
                                                            
21944 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES                       G0793



An Indian tribe called the Snartz                           
Scalped women's and men's private parts,                    
And gave them as toys                                       
To their girls and boys,                                    
So they could play horseshoes and darts.                    
                                                            
21945 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Irving Superior     P8412



While sitting on top of his bed,                            
An old Pawnee Chieftain once said,                          
"I woke from a nap                                          
And I needed a crap.                                        
I went to an Indian Head!"                     (MD)         
                                                            
21946 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   John Dohner         P8805



An Algonquin brave from Old Tahoe,                          
At any old crack would have a go.                           
But when he went west,                                      
He sought only the best,                                    
As found in the livliest Navajo.                            
                                                            
21947 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Ray A. Billington   P9312



To his squaw said the Iroquois stud:                        
"It's full moon, and your cunt's running blood.             
For a nighttime of joys,                                    
I've picked two fat white boys,                             
With assholes like roses in bud."                           
                                                            
21948 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES                       G0794



Wailed an unlucky red Potawatami,                           
On whom doctors performed a lobotomy,                       
"The surgery purges                                         
One's sexual urges;                                         
Now on, don't expect such a lot of me."                     
                                                            
21949 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Armand E Singer       337



There once was a big Seminole                               
Who wore only a jock strap. "How droll,"                    
Said the folks passing by.                                  
And on asking him why,                                      
He replied with a grin, "Totem pole."                       
                                                            
21950 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Don Miller          P0010



Great Sioux Chief walked home through the snow;             
His squaw said, "I know where you go!                       
You not go on hunt,                                         
Your breath smells like cunt;                               
Great Sioux Chief been off eating Crow!"                    
                                                            
21951 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES                            



A wandering tribe called the Sioux,                         
Wear moccasins, having no shioux.                           
They are make of buckskin,                                  
With the fleshy side in,                                    
Embroidered with beads of bright hyioux.                    
                                                            
21952 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Anon                     



The bloody and murderous Sioux                              
As a stereotype is untrue;                                  
But they did take a stand                                   
In defense of their land,                                   
Making quite a to do -- wouldn't you?                       
                                                            
21953 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Keith MacMillan       88c



With Custer dead, the Great Sioux Nation                    
Was having heap big celebration.                            
Along with applause                                         
The braves and the squaws                                   
Gave Sitting Bull standing ovation.                         
                                                            
21954 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Irving Superior     P9401



The legend of Indian Chief Eeno,                            
Said "Thank God they don't know what we know...             
Don't fight the white man,                                  
Just give him the land.                                     
Fuck 'em, we'll start a casino.                             
                                                            
21955 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Anon                     



In old days Indians would say, "How!                        
I have come to take your scalp now."                        
But today on the range                                      
There has been a slight change;                             
While pols steal all their votes, chiefs say "How"?         
                                                            
21956 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Tom Patton          P0301



His job for the Cree and Sioux Nations                      
Involved privy electrifications.                            
So his claim, well rehearsed,                               
Is becoming the first                                       
To have wired a head for reservations.                      
                                                            
21957 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - TRIBES   Jerry Nordal        P0301



Old broken-down ranchers, like Neely,                       
Will visit with dear Widow Sealy.                           
But years of hard bucking                                   
Have lessened their fucking;                                
So mostly, it's just 'touchy, feely.'                       
                                                            
21958 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Travis Brasell           



The widow's beginning to sag;                               
She complains constantly, what a nag;                       
But she's all that's around                                 
This poor one horse town;                                   
So tonight, she'll be one that I shag.                      
                                                            
21959 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Travis Brasell           



They say: Any port in a storm;                              
So don't be too fussy 'bout form,                           
Or figure or face;                                          
In most every case,                                         
You'll find that her pussy is warm.                         
                                                            
21960 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Tiddy Ogg                



Old saddle-worn cowboys all know                            
That "cuttin' the mustard's" just show                      
Designed for the young.                                     
But each with his tongue                                    
Can still "lick the jar" 'fore they go.                     
                                                            
21961 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Travis Brasell           



As you shag the old nag in her sack,                        
Be careful to look to her back,                             
'Cause I think you will find                                
Old Neely behind                                            
Her, filling the poor widow's crack!                        
                                                            
21962 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Brian Belge              



Annie Oakley, the sharpshooting lass,                       
Chased Buffalo Bill through the grass,                      
When he tried to abscond.                                   
And the sun, when it dawned,                                
Found her heading him off at the pass.                      
                                                            
21963 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Hugh Clary               



If men thought Miss Oakley an eyefull                       
With whom they could dally or trifle                        
And seek to try harder --                                   
She'd stifle their ardor                                    
By showing them tricks with a rifle.                        
                                                            
21964 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    R. J. Winkler       P8412



"I screwed ten guys in the chuck wagon,                     
And that was foreplay," she said, braggin'.                 
"And then twenty more,                                      
When we stopped keeping score.                              
This morning, my poor ass is draggin'!"                     
                                                            
21965 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Jim Weaver Collection    



Cowgirls maintain an exterior                               
Pretending they're really inferior;                         
But each of them knows,                                     
From her head to her toes,                                  
Her construction is vastly superior.                        
                                                            
21966 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The summer she spent on a ranch                             
Paid off ginger-peachy for Blanche...                       
For the boss of the spread                                  
Took her nightly to bed,                                    
And kept her crotch filled with his branch.                 
                                                            
21967 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Grand Prix Lim  113      



Our lady sheriff, Miss Abigail Greer,                       
Was scalped by the injuns, I fear.                          
She now wears a bright red                                  
Colored wig on her head                                     
And hopes her muff grows back next year.                    
                                                            
21968 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Michael Weinstein   P8501



It's Spring branding time and Mae Clutt                     
Has got a real reason to strut;                             
My branding iron slipped                                    
And Mae Clutt got clipped --                                
Now she wears "Lazy B" on her butt.                         
                                                            
21969 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Travis Brasell           



So you've been out a branding those whores,                 
Just part of the normal Spring chores.                      
Now there'll be no debate                                   
About keeping them straight,                                
And on who has been into whose drawers.                     
                                                            
21970 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Carol                    



Prospective employees have missed                           
This job, and they've gone away pissed;                     
Since you understand                                        
My 'M.B.' demand,    (so what is an M.B.?)                  
You'll get the job hand over fist!                          
                                                            
21971 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



Soon Sir you'll have one more ranch hand.                   
So the bunkhouse you best expand,                           
To make room for me,                                        
And my MB degree,                                           
'Cause we'll need lots of grazing land.                     
                                                            
21972 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



Since you'll come on board as a rookie,                     
We'll break you in riding old Cookie;                       
His slow, gentle rack                                       
Will not pain your crack;                                   
We won't give a rookie sore nookie.                         
                                                            
21973 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



Old Cookie sounds just like my speed;                       
You can walk us around on a lead.                           
But it won't be long,                                       
You'll see I belong,                                        
On a faster and much bigger steed.                          
                                                            
21974 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



Please let me clear up what I said:                         
Old 'Cookie' is what we call Fred;                          
For nigh 60 years                                           
He's helped us brand steers,                                
And cooked all the beans we've been fed.                    
                                                            
21975 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



Now, Fred, in his day was a stud,                           
That is, until he caught the crud                           
From whores he would stick;                                 
Stuff shrunk up his dick,                                   
As small as a tiny rose bud!                                
                                                            
21976 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



So, Fred takes the gals that I hire,                        
And breaks 'em in down by the fire;                         
He feeds 'em his grub,                                      
Then with his old nub                                       
He work's up their nookie's desire.                         
                                                            
21977 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



A wretched old trapper, part Cree,                          
Had darned little wampum, you see.                          
He couldn't abide                                           
The one kind of bride                                       
His dollars would buy -- a Pawnee.                          
                                                            
21978 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Armand E Singer       181



'Twas said that Calamity Jane                               
Found women and men both a pain.                            
So when in her nightie,                                     
This hermaphrodit-e                                         
Fucked herself - which is hard to explain.                  
                                                            
21979 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                        P8205



Calamity Jane had such fun,                                 
As she raised hell in town with her gun.                    
But she met with Wild Bill                                  
Before trying the Pill,                                     
And now she is raising a son.                               
                                                            
21980 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A cattleman's daughter named Heather,                       
Herded cows and was hell-bent-for-leather,                  
Earning his reprimands,                                     
But defense from the hands,                                 
For not keeping her calves close together.                  
                                                            
21981 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Giandomenico    P2006



An Indian maid from Nevada's                                
Trying to alter her status.                                 
Now the name of this quail                                  
Which was once Happy Tail                                   
Has, so help me, been changed into Gladys.                  
                                                            
21982 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Arthur Deex         P9311



A lucky fur trapper named Lee                               
Was sparking a hot Cherokee:                                
A cute little booger                                        
As sweet as cane sugar,                                     
With morals the size of a pea.                              
                                                            
21983 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Armand E Singer       280



A cowgirl knows just what she shouldn't do,                 
And several things that she wouldn't do,                    
But, by God, to her credit                                  
Though she never said it,                                   
There really ain't much that she couldn't do.               
                                                            
21984 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was an old spinster named Harriet,                    
Who could rope anything with her lariat.                    
She had one final thought,                                  
As she tossed out the knot,                                 
Whatever she caught, she would marry it.                    
                                                            
21985 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Margo               T9707



There was a young cowgirl named Harriet;                    
A cowpoke she caught with a lariat.                         
He was playing a game                                       
And she said to him "Shame!                                 
I've a much better place you can bury it!"                  
                                                            
21986 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Albin Chaplin   3024-1864



As the cowgirl was rounding up cattle,                      
Through the day her strong steed she would straddle.        
With her legs opened wide,                                  
She just loved to ride,                                     
On the dildo built into her saddle.                         
                                                            
21987 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch           P9901



Cowboys at the end of the drive                             
Were so horny they scarce could survive.                    
So the whores of Dodge City                                 
Out of greed, not of pity,                                  
Worked double shifts: nine to five.                         
                                                            
21988 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Ray A. Billington   P9312



Pure joy, I recall, would prevail                           
On our reaching the end of a trail.                         
Though the source of the bliss                              
(With an Indian miss)                                       
Lay less in the end, than the tail.                         
                                                            
21989 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Lance Payne         P8412



Tex had shined up his spurs with some Brasso,               
Cleaned his gun and then wound up his lasso.                
He rode up to her house,                                    
And unbuttoned her blouse,                                  
For he loved her firm breasts and her ass so.               
                                                            
21990 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch           P9901



In Nevada she said, "I'll arrange,                          
Just as sure as I'm 'Diamond Lil Grange',                   
To found a salon                                            
And start getting it on,                                    
With those wishing to roam with the strange.                
                                                            
21991 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Loren C Fitzhugh    P9901



A young female sheriff named Belle                          
Was surrounded by injuns and fell                           
In their trap on a trip.                                    
But she gave them the slip --                               
Then her bra and her panties as well.                       
                                                            
21992 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Michael Weinstein   P8412



The cowpoke a wife did acquire,                             
Expecting to sit by the fire.                               
But he's left his abode                                     
For the life on the road,                                   
'Cause wifey's a champion goat-tyer.                        
                                                            
21993 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young squaw from the Sioux,                     
Who married a blond lad named Lou.                          
They were so good in bed,                                   
He cared not she was red,                                   
Or yellow, or black, white or blue.                         
                                                            
21994 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Thomas Ratlff       P0302



"Miss Smith, if you're headed out West,"                    
Said Joe, "I'll help carry your chest."                     
She said, "Oh please do,                                    
'Cause I'm telling you,                                     
With new-fangled bras I'm not blesssed!"                    
                                                            
21995 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Travis Brasell           



Young Joe, his face rather shocked,                         
As together his wobbly knees knocked,                       
Said, "That's not what I meant,                             
But as I'm a gent,                                          
I'll help.  Let me get you unfrocked!"                      
                                                            
21996 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Lyonesse                 



Miss Smith shimmied out of her dress;                       
Joe's face showed even more stress,                         
But he needed no urging                                     
(Though he was a virgin)                                    
When she aske him to... I'll let you guess.                 
                                                            
21997 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Lyonesse                 



"My cock I've held since leavin' Schuster;                  
It's somethin my cock sure ain't useter!"                   
Said Joe to Miss Smith,                                     
So she  replied with,                                       
"I'll hold it -- but not your damn rooster!"                
                                                            
21998 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Travis Brasell           



An Indian chief of Chicago                                  
Was the first to invent the embargo                         
On trade with the whites,                                   
And especially at nights --                                 
When he asked would they please let his squaw go.           
                                                            
21999 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Keith MacMillan     A043A



In the days of the old wild west,                           
With the ways that the women were dressed,                  
One would rarely see thigh,                                 
For their hems were not high,                               
But their necklines showed plenty of breast.                
                                                            
22000 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Cap'n Bean          P9901



That grizzled old trapper McGraw                            
Said, "Better to live by the law;                           
Why go for bar wenches                                      
With cheap perfume stenches?                                
Just marry a big-breasted squaw."                           
                                                            
22001 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Armand E Singer       599



Around 1868 in Dodge City                                   
Lived Madge, neither attractive nor witty.                  
But now the town Marshall                                   
To Madge was quite partial.                                 
She was the only whore in the city.                         
                                                            
22002 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Louis Phillips      P9103



In a dance hall in old Carson City,                         
'Twas a gal who was known as Miss Kitty.                    
Tattooed on her ass                                         
Were some gunmen with class,                                
And "Billy the Kid" on a titty.                             
                                                            
22003 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



On her body was written her beaux,                          
Just names and without any prose.                           
And among all those names                                   
You will find "Jees James"                                  
When you pull down her panties and hose.                    
                                                            
22004 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



There's a name with a note that is blunt,                   
In a place, Kitty loved men to hunt.                        
"Doc Holiday's" written                                     
As one who was smitten                                      
By the sight of her well-shaven cunt.                       
                                                            
22005 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



Tattooed on her twat were directions                        
For those with whom she had connections.                    
She'd shaved off her hair,                                  
And noted just where                                        
She wanted the gunmen's erections.                          
                                                            
22006 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



Bat Masterson's main claim to fame                          
Was where she had tattoed his name.                         
In small letters it fit                                     
On the end of her clit,                                     
That wiggled each time that she came.                       
                                                            
22007 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



The gun slingers loved Kitty's technique.                   
Six days at a crack, so to speak.                           
On Sundays, she'd rest,                                     
For even the best                                           
Know seven days makes a whole week.                         
                                                            
22008 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



Our history sure has been blessed,                          
For Kitty had out-screwed the rest.                         
And deserves all the fame                                   
For giving the name                                         
To that era we call the "Wild West".                        
                                                            
22009 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



A cowgirl way out in Wyoming                                
Went out for a ride in the gloaming.                        
It's a pretty good hunch                                    
That she met a cowpunch;                                    
When she came in, her hair needed combing.                  
                                                            
22010 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    S Omar Barker            



That cowgirl out there in Wyoming,                          
At dusk felt the need to go roaming.                        
She was hit by a tractor;                                   
Coyotes attacked her;                                       
And that's why her hair needed combing.                     
                                                            
22011 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch                



There once was a girl from the West                         
Who cowpokes considered the best.                           
In saloons far and near,                                    
They would talk of her rear,                                
But raved as they spoke of her chest.                       
                                                            
22012 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch           P9901



A squaw took a brave to her wickiup                         
And by suckineg his neck raised a hicky up,                 
Which got him so hot                                        
He went off like a shot,                                    
Before he could quite get his dicky up.                     
                                                            
22013 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Giandomenico    P8801



A tolerant rancher named Stedman                            
Found wifey in bed with a red man;                          
Said he, somewhat hurt,                                     
"I know she's a flirt,                                      
But screw her again, you're a dead man."                    
                                                            
22014 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Armand E Singer       544



Pocahontas said, "Now look here, Smith,                     
Let's dispel this ridiculous myth;                          
Sure I saved your fat head,                                 
But the shoes by my bed                                     
Will fit Rolfe, the John I'm sleeping with."                
                                                            
22015 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    William N. Nesbit   P9608



John Smith needed corn for his hominy                       
So he searched the Chickahominy.                            
He was out of luck                                          
When Indians struck,                                        
Thinking death, with him as the nominee.                    
                                                            
22016 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Tom Patton          P9608



History, written in a cave,                                 
States Poky then dismissed this knave.                      
His beard made her antsy,                                   
Tickling her fancy,                                         
So she dumped him for a beardless brave.                    
                                                            
22017 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Tom Patton          P9608



"I enjoy a menage-a-trois."                                 
Said Pocahontas, the horny young squaw.                     
John Smith was so happy,                                    
He invited his pappy;                                       
He shared everything with his pa.                           
                                                            
22018 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



Pocahontas kept up her poking,                              
And added the pleasures of smoking.                         
She's now just a slut                                       
Who sucks on a butt;                                        
Now Walt Raleigh's the guy she is stroking.                 
                                                            
22019 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Tom Patton          P9608



Pocahontas then lived all alone,                            
In Jamestown, address still unknown.                        
On orders of Powhatan,                                      
Gave up all her matin'                                      
And retired her erogenous zone.                             
                                                            
22020 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Tom Patton          P9608



The wily Englishman then smiled                             
At Pocahontas who's beguiled.                               
They made a date                                            
To copulate                                                 
And so her fair body defiled.                               
                                                            
22021 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Tom Patton          P9608



"Just look at those wild Indians taunt us.                  
But no weapon they have will daunt us,"                     
Said Rolfe yclept John                                      
With a little yawn,                                         
"After, I'm to poke Pocahontas."                            
                                                            
22022 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Richard Robertson   P0301



An Indian from London's East side,                          
Went to Bombay to look for a bride.                         
Though his words were all flowery,                          
He just wanted a dowry,                                     
Which an English lass would not provide.                    
                                                            
22023 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Ms. Ira Gardner-Smith    



I think it is sad, but not strange,                         
That men sing about Home on the Range,                      
Till some girl who is pretty                                
And lives in the city                                       
Arranges for ranges to change.                              
                                                            
22024 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    John E Mayhood      P9901



An old cowgirl, well past mid-life change,                  
Has been given to acting quite strange.                     
She swings up the stove door                                
And cries out, "Watch me, for                               
I am once again riding the range!"                          
                                                            
22025 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Wiillima N Nesbit   P9901



Said Lewis to Clark "Mama mia!"                             
As he lifted up Sacajawea                                   
To Clark at the top.                                        
"She's a very nice mop;                                     
When she opens her mouth I can see ya!"                     
                                                            
22026 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN                             



Said both Lewis and Clark, "If you would                    
Be as pleasant as you know you should.                      
Honor Sacajawea                                             
For we swear, 'Mama mia.'                                   
She was, 'The Little Injun Who Could'."                     
                                                            
22027 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Loren C Fitzhugh         



Who'll take Susan B. Anthony's place                        
On a dollar, to press women's case.                         
Sally Ride, Rosa Parks?                                     
No, it's Lewis and Clark's                                  
Guide -- with neither a name nor a face!                    
                                                            
22028 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Prof M-G           TP9806



Said an indian trader, Carruthers,                          
"I don't mind sharing tail with my brothers.                
But there is one drawback,                                  
I'm holding this squaw back,                                
'Cause she's more fun to fuck than the others.              
                                                            
22029 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Armand E Singer       777



In the Wild West a hooker named Sal                         
Gave blowjobs around the corral.                            
Till some dude from down South                              
Shot a wad in her mouth,                                    
That could fill the Gywanus Canal.                          
(no such place as the Gywanus Canal! - McW)                 
22030 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Michael Weinstein   P8412



A Navajo maiden from Mesa                                   
Was determined that nothing would phase her,                
Till a crafty old brave                                     
Thrust a spear in her cave,                                 
And provoked her to gush like a geyser.                     
                                                            
22031 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Hugh Oliver         A015A



A hot little cowgirl named Anna,                            
On the prarie, she rode my banana.                          
A cowgirl so true,                                          
She gave me a screw                                         
Wearing only her spurs and bandana.                         
                                                            
22032 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Cap'n Bean          P9901



To his squaw, said the Chief with eyes sleepy,              
"There is wampum all over my teepee!"                       
Said the squaw, with eyes bright,                           
"Why, I earned it last night,                               
And I did the whole thing with my peepee!"                  
                                                            
22033 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Albin Chaplin   3024-3013



There once was a woman named Nell,                          
Who had a weird story to tell,                              
Of nights out on the range,                                 
With cowboys who were strange,                              
But she thought to herself "What the Hell!"                 
                                                            
22034 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Bob Birch           P9901



A butch little cowgirl named Harriet                        
Was accomplished with whip, quirt, and lariat.              
She would hog-tie her prey                                  
And abuse him all day;                                      
What was left of him after, she'd bury it.                  
                                                            
22035 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Robin K. Willoughby P8412



A brave from around Craigellachie                           
Succeeded a white squaw to catchie.                         
Her scalp he disdained                                      
Because, he explained                                       
That he lusted far more for her snatchie.                   
                                                            
22036 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Hugh Oliver          100a



There was a young girl of Victoria                          
Who was whooped by an Indian warrior;                       
Much later at leisure                                       
Recalling the pleasure:                                     
That state of pacific euphoria.                             
                                                            
22037 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Keith MacMillan      109a



Whenever she gives him a blow                               
Job, his girl takes her rawhide lasso,                      
Binds his balls to his thumbs,                              
And when this cowboy comes,                                 
You can hear him cry "Whoopee-tie-yo!"                      
                                                            
22038 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Robin K. Willoughby P8412



A grotesquely endowed Quebecois                             
Set up house, with a squaw, dans le bois.                   
For in "combat de fuc"                                      
He had found that her "truc"                                
Was a match for his "je ne sais quoi".                      
                                                            
22039 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - WOMEN    Keith MacMillan       35a



The chief of the tribe, Sitting Bill,                       
The rain-dance has altered at will:                         
Through his limerick form,                                  
He can bring on a storm                                     
Of laughter, and downpours of thrill.                       
(in praise of Bill Backe-Hansen on 70th birthday 12/15/88)  
22040 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carl Ludwig Kjelsen P8901



Behold, in hilarious rage,                                  
When editing page after page                                
Of effluent verse,                                          
He's defying the curse                                      
Of illiterates, and that of age!                            
                                                            
22041 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carl Ludwig Kjelsen P8901



Anniversary greetings are sent,                             
And all of them heartily meant:                             
May Bill Backe-Hansen                                       
Still carry on dancin'                                      
For many more years round his tent.                         
                                                            
22042 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carl Ludwig Kjelsen P8901



Buck Beecher, the blacksmith in Danville,                   
Spied Primrose, a starlet from Granville;                   
The sway of her hips                                        
And big pouty lips                                          
Caused Buck to start pounding his anvil.                    
                                                            
22043 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Travis Brasell           



Is anvil a new word for penis?                              
A love-arrow pointed at Venus?                              
Among all the titles                                        
Conferred on those vitals,                                  
We've never put 'anvil' between us.                         
                                                            
22044 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Barbara Bluebird         



An 'anvil', as real women know,                             
Is large, hard, and takes a good blow;                      
If you'd like to see one,                                   
(A big one, not wee one,)                                   
Then mine I'll be happy to show.                            
                                                            
22045 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Travis Brasell           



He shouted, "Hey Primrose, I've got                         
A thing here all steaming and hot.                          
I'm feeling just grand,                                     
And have the right brand;                                   
I'll land it in just the right spot!                        
                                                            
22046 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



But Primrose a glance at him shot.                          
"I'll tell you," she said, "I care not!                     
If you feel so grand,                                       
Why not use your hand?"                                     
The blacksmith just stared and asked: "What?"               
                                                            
22047 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Eva                      



Then following Primrose's glance,                           
While Buck was still froze in his trance,                   
Said she, "What you're pounding                             
Is near as astounding                                       
As what's pounding there in your pants!"                    
                                                            
22048 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Travis                   



Then suddenly Primrose relents;                             
Her feelings becoming intense.                              
With thoughts running wild,                                 
She impishly smiled,                                        
And whispered, "I love your horse scents."                  
                                                            
22049 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Observer                 



With that, little prissy Primrose,                          
Started ripping and tearing her clothes.                    
About to give in,                                           
Then to Buck's chagrin,                                     
She said, "Hold on Buck, whose are those?"                  
                                                            
22050 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carol                    



"Why those are my pride and joy dear,                       
This one's Buick Junior right here.                         
And those are the twins                                     
Harry and Quinn;                                            
I hear you've a daughter, let's see her.                    
                                                            
22051 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Gearhart                 



Reaching 'round to her back pocket,                         
Primrose pulls out her gold locket,                         
Saying, "There you go.                                      
That's my triplets on show.                                 
Now would you not like to help with my socket?"             
                                                            
22052 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Sharon                   



Thought old Buck, "I'll lay this filly down,"               
But his smile was replaced with a frown.                    
Prim's words went unheeded,                                 
Buck knew he'd be needed...                                 
The stagecoach had just pulled into town.                   
                                                            
22053 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Observer                 



Said Buck, "I don't mean to be rude,                        
But horses will have to be shoed.                           
So, just wait a spell...                                    
Meet me at the hotel,                                       
Right after my duties conclude!"                            
                                                            
22054 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Observer                 



Time passes so slow while you're waiting...                 
Prim sat in the room contemplating...                       
What's taking so long?                                      
She tugged at her thong...                                  
Her perfumme was intoxicating.                              
                                                            
22055 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Observer                 



The sun was approaching high noon;                          
Thought Prim, "Buck should be here real soon."              
'Twas then that young Billy                                 
Saw Buck and Miss Lily                                      
Slip into the Sundance Saloon.                              
                                                            
22056 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Observer                 



Buck ordered a shot and a beer;                             
Miss Lily's intentions were clear.                          
Her hand on his hip,                                        
Old Buck bit his lip,                                       
And her tongue encircled his ear.                           
                                                            
22057 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Observer                 



While Primrose was waiting on Buck,                         
Young Billy thought "Oh, what the fuck!                     
Forget what Buck told her,                                  
Who cares if she's older                                    
Than me?  My young dick she can suck!                       
                                                            
22058 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Travis Brasell           



Then, quickly, he made up a plan,                           
Then down the back alleys he ran,                           
And while he was running,                                   
He thought, "I'm so cunning...                              
With Primrose, I'll prove I'm a man!"                       
                                                            
22059 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Travis Brasell           



And back at the Sundance Saloon,                            
Weak at the knees, ready to swoon,                          
Buck's joy turned to dread,                                 
When Miss Lily, she said,                                   
"Oh no!  It's sherrif Jim Calhoon!"                         
                                                            
22060 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carol                    



Miss Lily was known near and far,                           
As belonging to that there tin star.                        
Though many had tried,                                      
All of them had died                                        
An untimely death, most bizarre.                            
                                                            
22061 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carol                    



As Calhoon wandered in through the door,                    
He saw Lily laid out on the floor.                          
"My God, are you dead""                                     
"No, knackered!" she said.                                  
I know now what makes a good whore."                        
                                                            
22062 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Richard                  



The Sherrif Calhoon gave a shout,                           
"I'll find out what it's all about.                         
Just tell me 'who dunnit'                                   
And filled up your punnet,                                  
Then I'll give to them a good clout."                       
                                                            
22063 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Richard                  



But Lily would not tell the lad                             
The name of the person who had                              
Tried hard and then done it;                                
Put in to her punnet,                                       
But now she was feeling so sad.                             
                                                            
22064 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Richard                  



For Buck had leapt up off the floor                         
When he saw Sherrif Cal' at the door.                       
With his pants 'round his knees,                            
He took off to the trees,                                   
And that was the last that she saw.                         
                                                            
22065 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Richard                  



Of Buck, that fine ram of a man,                            
Who proved that with luck, we all can                       
Take the fruit from the punnet                              
And shout out I've done it.                                 
I've shivered her timbers, old man!"                        
                                                            
22066 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Richard                  



A stranger called Abilene Herb                              
In the rodeo was simply superb.                             
He took the first prize                                     
To the judges surprise,                                     
For he thought that 'cow-poke' was a verb.                  
                                                            
22067 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Martin Wellborn     P8412



A rodeo grand prize, so I've heard,                         
Has been wone by an indigent Serb                           
Who amassed a high score --                                 
A 99.4 --                                                   
And thought that 'cow poke' was a verb.                     
                                                            
22068 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Arthur Deex         P9011



This little old man, Cowboy Bob,                            
Tried, but could not play with his knob.                    
He lamented one day                                         
In greatest dismay,                                         
"What damnfool thing next will they rob?"                   
                                                            
22069 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



The Indian Chief, Sitting Bull,                             
Had eaten and so he was full.                               
And drinking firewater,                                     
He said to his daughter,                                    
"It's time you gave this thing a pull."                     
                                                            
22070 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Archie                   



His daughter said, "You pull your knob.                     
I've got me a much better job.                              
He'll pay me to hunt                                        
For his missing front --                                    
I'm working for old Cowboy Bob."                            
                                                            
22071 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



That old Cowboy Bob's quite a job;                          
A foul, evil-smelling old slob.                             
And his wrinkled old gun                                    
Measures inches just one.                                   
He's depleted by his brother Rob.                           
                                                            
22072 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Archie                   



S. Bull's daughter, looking for Bob's,                      
Or other guys interesting knobs,                            
Has heard what you claim,                                   
So that sneaky dame                                         
Is tiptoeing over to Robs.                                  
                                                            
22073 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



Bob has an interesting knob,                                
Considering it is just a squab.                             
Though hard, it's a shorty,                                 
And all hairy and warty;                                    
It's like a Rorschachean blob.                              
                                                            
22074 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Archie                   



We don't like those ink-blot-type knobs.                    
S. Bull's daughter and I are snobs.                         
We like normal spew                                         
And not what those do --                                    
They squirt out those little blue gobs.                     
                                                            
22075 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



The Old West was won by this mob;                           
On indians they did a fine job.                             
It wasn't the whiteys                                       
Who were high and mighty,                                   
But Bob's corps of little blue GOB's.                       
                                                            
22076 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Archie                   



Bob's gobs overwhelmed S. Bulls daughter;                   
It was not the thing that they oughter                      
Be doing in plain view.                                     
She said 'til their brains grew,                            
She'd wash them away with creek water.                      
                                                            
22077 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



S. Bull found out someone had mussed her;                   
He asked her just who was the buster                        
Who'd had a good screw                                      
In everyone's view,                                         
And she said that she thought it was Custer.                
                                                            
22078 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Archie                   



"He has gone way too far, this damn Yank.                   
His army and he, need a spank!                              
We'll hide in the coulee.                                   
When I get this fool, he                                    
Won't even be good for a wank!"                             
                                                            
22079 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



While daddy's away with his muster,                         
He thought that his daughter, he'd trust her;               
But he couldn't, you see,                                   
'Cause in the teepee                                        
Was the daughter and Bob with his thruster.                 
                                                            
22080 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Archie                   



As naked as when she was born,                              
S. Bull's daughter looks at Bob's thorn.                    
"Short.  Wide.  Knobby things --                            
I can see that this brings                                  
New meaning to 'Little Bighorn'."                           
                                                            
22081 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



Escaping from Little Bighorn                                
Is futile, all mothers will warn.                           
So now that he's caught her,                                
He'll leave S. Bull's daughter                              
To waken alone in the morn!                                 
                                                            
22082 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Archie                   



And now we can leave Cowboy Bob,                            
And S. Bull's daughter knocks on his knob.                  
While he sneaks away,                                       
We can simply say --                                        
Don't like to hear grown up men sob.                        
                                                            
22083 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Marlene Lewis            



You cowboys are just so polite,                             
It's hard to resist that invite.                            
If you need a change,                                       
Then come graze my range;                                   
It's dewy almost every night.                               
                                                            
22084 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carol                    



If, when home on your range, which tastes sweet,            
That prarie dog, Trav, I should meet,                       
Popping out of a hole                                       
With his knee-banging pole.                                 
My discouraging word would be "Sheeeeeeet!"                 
                                                            
22085 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  RanDog                   



That would not be a savory treat                            
And I'd beat a quite hasty retreat.                         
Antelope and the deer                                       
Would be running, I fear,                                   
'Cause we all want no part of his meat!                     
                                                            
22086 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  RanDog                   



If you want me to graze on your range,                      
You'll most certainly have to arrange                       
A Travis-free night                                         
For my bison's delight,                                     
Where the Brits can all watch.  Is that strange?            
                                                            
22087 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  RanDog                   



His true love of life was named Clara;                      
In youthful days she was much fairer.                       
But when she grew older                                     
One day ol' Gus told 'er                                    
"Your top lip is covered with hair'er!"                     
                                                            
22088 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES                           



Encounters came with ol' Blue Duck,                         
An injun who'd wore out his luck;                           
One day by the shore                                        
He chased Gus's whore                                       
And caught her, then gave her a fuck.                       
                                                            
22089 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES                           



Since cowboys always make me swoon,                         
When riding one, I always croon                             
An old western ditty,                                       
Like "Mules Make Me Giddy"                                  
Or some other old cowboy tune.                              
                                                            
22090 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carol                    



She'd gaze at the cowboy and drool,                         
Then sit down to ride on his tool.                          
It was a nice ride,                                         
With a stud by her side,                                    
But she'd rather be under the mule!                         
                                                            
22091 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  CM                       



Mules ain't fit for ladies nor Mamma!                       
A mules thing is just a small comma.                        
We all know that Carol                                      
Likes them like a barrel.                                   
Put her in the pen with the Brahma!                         
                                                            
22092 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Cyber Wizard             



We feel for the poor Seminoles;                             
They were here before Cabots and Lowells.                   
But they're denied sufferage,                               
'Cause white men took umbrage                               
At their scalping a few Anglo-souls.                        
                                                            
22093 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



The red men, it's worthy of note,                           
Scalped some of the people they smote.                      
The Sioux and Shoshone                                      
Left many heads bony                                        
Long ago, but they still cannot vote.                       
                                                            
22094 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



The red men are patient old souls;                          
They strive for political goals.                            
But in retaliation                                          
For decapitation,                                           
White pols don't let Reds near their polls.                 
                                                            
22095 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



Despite the political gaffe,                                
The Indian has had the last laugh.                          
He smiles 'cause he knows                                   
Who owns the casinos,                                       
With whites as the underpaid staff.                         
                                                            
22096 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



Well, here's my brand new resume;                           
I wrote it myself, just today.                              
Including job history,                                      
So they'll be no mystery,                                   
I think I'll measure up okay.                               
                                                            
22097 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES                           



I've ridden on many a saddle --                             
Not western though, too hard to straddle.                   
Not bow-legged yet,                                         
Not deep into debt,                                         
And once saw a whole herd of cattle!                        
                                                            
22098 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES                           



On tobacco I never chaw;                                    
I'm not on the run from the law.                            
I can make things grow,                                     
And also I know,                                            
The difference between hay and straw.                       
                                                            
22099 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES                           



You won't find a gal here more fitter,                      
I'm not known to be a fence sitter.                         
Once worked a saloon,                                       
Sang this cowboy tune,                                      
"Blood on the Saddle" by Tex Ritter.                        
                                                            
22100 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES                           



Now don't get me wrong about dancing                        
Around on the stage and the prancing                        
She did, was all class,                                     
Though she did shake her ass.                               
The dance ended not with depantsing.                        
                                                            
22101 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Jon Gearhart             



And when she had finished the song,                         
I'd make my way up through the throng,                      
Then lightly I'd kiss her.                                  
Oh God!  How I miss her!                                    
Strong feelings as thick as my dong.                        
                                                            
22102 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Jon Gearhart             



As I led her out the stage door,                            
The barcrowd screamed out for encore.                       
But we slipped outside                                      
For a long wild ride                                        
In my cherry Chevelle '64.                                  
                                                            
22103 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Jon Gearhart             



The only strip that night by Carol                          
Is when she stripped down for my barrel.                    
Fully clothed in the bar                                    
Till we got to my car,                                      
Then we both shed all trace of apparel.                     
                                                            
22104 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Jon Gearhart             



It won't hurt if Jon doesn't know,                          
That I did more than sing for that show.                    
Those hoots and those hollers                               
Brought me lots of dollars,                                 
And filled up my thong full of dough.                       
                                                            
22105 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Carol                    



A cowpuncher out in Dakota                                  
Fell hard for a gal named Cleota.                           
But when close by her side,                                 
He was always tongue-tied,                                  
So he borrowed a pencil and wrota!                          
                                                            
22106 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  S Omar Barker            



This cowpoke was quick to unveil her,                       
With concious intent then to nail her.                      
But before intromission,                                    
He asked her permission,                                    
But to do so, he had to e-mail her.                         
                                                            
22107 COWBOYS AND INDIANS - ZSERIES  Bob birch                



The critter who lives in my crotch                          
Likes to whittle and spit and drink scotch.                 
I don't mind the boozin'                                    
But I fear that I'm loosin',                                
Whenever he cuts a new notch.                               
                                                            
22108 CRITICS - AFTER                Neal Wilgus         P8303



The critter that lives in my crotch                         
I swear he thinks he is so mach.                            
Whenever I fuck,                                            
He shouts out "Good Luck!"                                  
And times the whole thing with his watch.                   
                                                            
22109 CRITICS - AFTER                Neal Wilgus         P8303



The critter that lives in my crotch                         
Keeps a record of girls I debauch.                          
He also keeps track                                         
Of the things that they lack,                               
And sends flowers to the ones that I botch.                 
                                                            
22110 CRITICS - AFTER                Neal Wilgus         P8303



A roundly raped girl of Tulane                              
Cried, "It may not be nice to complain,                     
But why can't I ever                                        
Get raped in good weather?                                  
I always get raped in the rain!"                            
                                                            
22111 CRITICS - AFTER                                    G0782



While thrashing around in the hay,                          
The lass to the laddie did say,                             
"I've got straw in each orifice,                            
And your dick is amorphous.                                 
Now that's what I call a bad lay."                          
                                                            
22112 CRITICS - AFTER                Barry Becker             



From the sex book, a fellow named Chris                     
Tried a stunt which his girl thought amiss.                 
"I do not share your view --                                
I have read the book too,                                   
 nd the book was much better than this."                    
                                                            
22113 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-0662



Men with colossal pricks                                    
Believe the world turns on their dicks.                     
When thumping a mattress,                                   
They yell, "I am Atlas!"                                    
But when done, they can not flick their Bics!               
                                                            
22114 CRITICS - AFTER                Jim Weaver Collection    



She said, as she buttoned her dress,                        
"Playing doctor was fun, but I guess                        
I prefer playing house                                      
With you as my spouse,                                      
And it's your turn to clean up this mess."                  
                                                            
22115 CRITICS - AFTER                John Miller 0129         



The mogul's wife found most surprising                      
The speed of her old husband's rising.                      
But when sudden recession                                   
Followed passion's expression,                              
She asked, "Dear is this called downsizing?"                
                                                            
22116 CRITICS - AFTER                Evelyn Bogen        P9607



Parisian girls mutter "Peut-etre"                           
Once they've earned their scarlet lettre.                   
So when told "Je t'adore"                                   
They answer, "Encore?                                       
Well--provided monsieur does it bettre."                    
                                                            
22117 CRITICS - AFTER                Isaac Asimov             



When my loins were excited with lust                        
I ignored your diminutive bust.                             
And I tried not to stare                                    
At you dark facial hair,                                    
Which I took to be some kind of dust.                       
                                                            
22118 CRITICS - AFTER                Professor                



The bushed meter reader came by,                            
And wailed to the waiting Miss Blye,                        
"Having serviced already                                    
Such a much, I'm unsteady...                                
It's pay you to snag a fresh guy..."                        
                                                            
22119 CRITICS - AFTER                Grand Prix Lim  531      



Now after that marvelous treat,                             
There's just one thing to do, my sweet.                     
'Fore senses get number                                     
And we're off to slumber,                                   
Get rid of that wet sticky sheet.                           
                                                            
22120 CRITICS - AFTER                                         



With Men one rule always applies,                           
There are no exceptional guys.                              
Once pulling the trigger,                                   
Dimensions once bigger,                                     
Will bring a quick fall to the rise.                        
                                                            
22121 CRITICS - AFTER                                         



The oddest of organs, the prick,                            
Can get just as stiff as a stick,                           
And then moments after,                                     
The butt of rude laughter,                                  
Goes limp as a frayed candlewick.                           
                                                            
22122 CRITICS - AFTER                Armand E Singer       568



"When's a limerick ribald and when crass?"                  
A coed her roommate did ask.                                
"That question's quite thorny,                              
Perhaps ribald when you're horny,                           
And crass when he's just humped your ass."                  
                                                            
22123 CRITICS - AFTER                Greg Schindler      P9001



There once was a poet from Hexameter                        
Whose mistress kept calling him amateur.                    
She said, "Your technique                                   
Is too rough and antique,                                   
And your rhythm's iambic pentameter."                       
                                                            
22124 CRITICS - AFTER                                    G2367



There was a tired gal named O'Leary                         
Said, "A whole night of love makes me weary.                
Please pardon my yawn,                                      
But it's mighty nigh dawn,                                  
So just put on your pants and go, Dearie."                  
                                                            
22125 CRITICS - AFTER                Grand Prix Lim  493      



No doubt her unflattering critique                          
Concerned my unfortunate technique.                         
She scoffed at my size,                                     
My minimal rise,                                            
And laughed at how quickly I peak.                          
                                                            
22126 CRITICS - AFTER                Dennis Taylor            



A passionate lady named Fay,                                
Told friend Joe as he staggered away:                       
"On the Passamaquoddy                                       
We consider it shoddy                                       
To stop after one little lay."                              
                                                            
22127 CRITICS - AFTER                                    G0064



"Not tonight," said the chief, "I'm too sleepy,"            
As his squaw closed the flap of the teepee.                 
"What I viewed with delight                                 
Red and tight all last night,                               
Right now only makes me feel creepy..."                     
                                                            
22128 CRITICS - AFTER                Grand Prix Lim  468      



There was an old lady of Dawson                             
Who said to a lad, "You've a flaw, son.                     
If you stay for a while                                     
I'll improve on your style.                                 
You are not near as good as your pa, son."                  
                                                            
22129 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-0106



I hate when they roll over and snore?                       
Just when you're heating up for more!                       
I'd give 'em an elbow                                       
A kick in the pillow,                                       
And push 'em out onto the floor!                            
                                                            
22130 CRITICS - AFTER                                         



Sneered total abstainer, old Keating,                       
His subject: male human secreting:                          
"Foreplay meticulous,                                       
Posture ridiculous,                                         
The pleasure quite palpably fleeting."                      
                                                            
22131 CRITICS - AFTER                Armand E Singer        24



I parted the legs of Sue Session                            
Each night for a month in progression.                      
But now that she's gone,                                    
I'm here all alone                                          
And suffering 'post part 'em depression'.                   
                                                            
22132 CRITICS - AFTER                Travis Brasell           



A coldblooded fellow named Keating                          
Observed of a sexual meeting:                               
"However meticulous,                                        
The posture's ridiculous                                    
And God knows the pleasure is fleeting."                    
                                                            
22133 CRITICS - AFTER                Armand E Singer       24A



"He never did split me asunder,"                            
Said Shiela, "and now it's no wonder,                       
My sex-life's gone tame                                     
It's not been the same,                                     
Since the guy from Quebec left 'down-under.'"               
                                                            
22134 CRITICS - AFTER                Ed Potts            P8507



A stoical husband named Fred                                
Would fuck with his hat on his head.                        
Then he'd raise up undressed                                
With his hand on his chest,                                 
Out of simple respect for the dead.                         
                                                            
22135 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-2068



To the prissy bitch fucked in his car,                      
Joe said, "You're too stuffy by far.                        
There is no polite term                                     
For cunt juice and sperm,                                   
So why not just say what they are?"                         
                                                            
22136 CRITICS - AFTER                                    G2287



The duchess sneaked out by the fount,                       
To screw in the park with the count.                        
But he fucked her so bad,                                   
That the duchess got mad                                    
And a sermon she gave on the mount.                         
                                                            
22137 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-0153



This morning you looked so content,                         
 hat I dressed myself quietly and went.                     
Now I must say                                              
The high point of my day                                    
Was waking up inside your tent.                             
                                                            
22138 CRITICS - AFTER                Ericka                   



On the cruise ship in port at Stamboul,                     
Said the nymph on the purser's big tool:                    
"What magnificent fucking,                                  
And reaming and sucking--                                   
It's the best that I've had since high school!"             
                                                            
22139 CRITICS - AFTER                                    G0676



A farmer by name of Durante                                 
Was watching TV in his shanty                               
With the picture askew;                                     
When his wife he did screw,                                 
She complained his performance was slanty.                  
                                                            
22140 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-0125



There was a young fellow named Strunk                       
Afflicted with postcoital funk,                             
From generous rations                                       
Of untrammeled passions,                                    
And spewing great gobs of his spunk.                        
                                                            
22141 CRITICS - AFTER                Armand E Singer        70



"My stock is first class," said Miss Bloor.                 
"The best on the market, for sure."                         
After old Merrill Lynch                                     
Shoved his prick in one inch,                               
She was rated as Standard and Poor.                         
                                                            
22142 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-0050



There was a young fellow named Pratt                        
Who fucked an old maid in her flat.                         
She admonished the youth                                    
For his manners uncouth,                                    
And his failure to take off his hat.                        
                                                            
22143 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-1378



A boer by name of MacDowell                                 
Was startled to hear his girl howl,                         
"All the sheets will be messed,                             
You had better get dressed."                                
So MacDowell then threw in the towel.                       
                                                            
22144 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin            



A hasty young man, quick and spry,                          
Once fucked an old maid and did fly.                        
She called him a vulture                                    
Devoid of all culture,                                      
For his failure to kiss her goodbye.                        
                                                            
22145 CRITICS - AFTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-1396



"On which side of the bed do you sleep?"                    
I asked. She said, "Normally keep                           
To the right; but confess                                   
It depends on your mess-                                    
Y wet spots which are left on the sheet."                   
                                                            
22146 CRITICS - AFTER                Peter Wilkins            



The heroine of my little ditty                              
Was had by a lad from the city.                             
She exclaimed, "What a sin!"                                
When he put his thing in,                                   
But when he pulled it out, "What a pity!"                   
                                                            
22147 CRITICS - AFTER                                    G0054



As we lay in our small pool of sweat                        
And claim "That was the best one yet.",                     
Our thoughts are the same,                                  
That after this game...                                     
Who sleeps in the spot that is wet?                         
                                                            
22148 CRITICS - AFTER                                         



A selfish young lover named Joe                             
Found his girl friend impossibly slow.                      
He'd toy with her treasure                                  
And have his own pleasure,                                  
Then say, "Now I've come, I will go."                       
                                                            
22149 CRITICS - AFTER                Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



She asked him to wed at the zoo,                            
'Midst monkeys and snakes and a gnu;                        
"I havn't decided,"                                         
His girl friend chided,                                     
"Who makes better love, you or ewe!"                        
                                                            
22150 CRITICS - AFTER                Mark Levy           P9711



A brilliant young NASA technician                           
Showed his wife an exciting position.                       
She replied, "It's the top!                                 
Now if only you'd stop                                      
Yelling "5...4...3...2...1...Ignition!"                     
                                                            
22151 CRITICS - BEFORE               Stargazer                



There was a young warrior of Parma,                         
Who got into bed with his charmer.                          
She, naturally, nude,                                       
Said, "Don't think me rude,                                 
But I do wish you'd take off your armour."                  
                                                            
22152 CRITICS - BEFORE               Anon                     



There was a young man of St. Bees,                          
Who said to his girl, "If you please,                       
While playing with this,                                    
It would give me great bliss,                               
If you'd pay some attention to these."                      
                                                            
22153 CRITICS - BEFORE                                   L0028



That young fellow who painted our town                      
Chose colors that brought him renown:                       
For the ears of the slew                                    
Of our gossips, a blue;                                     
For the noses of sycophants, brown.                         
                                                            
22154 CRITICS - BEFORE               Cyber Geezer             



"Now Jilly, don't play with the boys;                       
Just leave them alone with their toys."                     
"But Mummy, it's fun                                        
When they shoot like a gun,                                 
And it's something that Daddy enjoys."                      
                                                            
22155 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



A novice young girl of Belgrade                             
Remarked as a man with her played,                          
"I have never been had."                                    
So he took out a pad                                        
And he noted the blunders she made.                         
                                                            
22156 CRITICS - BEFORE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0040



A bride, who lived just outside Valley,                     
Said, "So far we've only been pally;                        
But now that we're wed,                                     
Just take me to bed--                                       
And see that you don't dilly-dally."                        
                                                            
22157 CRITICS - BEFORE               Harold C Bibby           



The Duchess of Pousse de Freonne                            
Told her chaufeur, "When mounting me, Leon,                 
Don't grunt like a peasant,                                 
For I find it unpleasant,                                   
And I'll have you made NEUTER, you PEON!"                   
                                                            
22158 CRITICS - BEFORE               Grand Prix Lim  519      



An angry young girl named Arbutus                           
Said, "I'm fed up on fellows who root us.                   
It's not the bed-bouncing                                   
That I am denouncing;                                       
It's that "Extract Of Kid" the brutes shoot us.             
                                                            
22159 CRITICS - BEFORE                                   G1634



Said a ripe demi-vierge of Chicoutimi,                      
To her shy, loving lad, "It's all new to me."               
But after eight starts                                      
At conjunction of parts,                                    
She complained, "You're just not getting through to me!"    
                                                            
22160 CRITICS - BEFORE               Hugh Oliver           38d



Eight inches, I guess, is not wrong --                      
You might hear my most passion song,                        
If you still keep in mind                                   
That my pleasure I'll find,                                 
If the foreplay (I said so) lasts long.                     
                                                            
22161 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



You lovers of satire unite!                                 
We must join the ignoramus's plight.                        
It's one way to whet                                        
Our desire to get                                           
The follies of man in our sight.                            
                                                            
22162 CRITICS - BEFORE               Stiffy Joe               



There was a young gal from Astoria,                         
Who said, "Now I don't want to bore ya,                     
But if you don't lay                                        
In the usual way,                                           
I'm just going to have to ignore ya."                       
                                                            
22163 CRITICS - BEFORE               Arden                    



"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis", said Chloe,             
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;                        
You have made much fine verse on                            
Each part of my person,                                     
Now, do something! That's a good boy!"                      
                                                            
22164 CRITICS - BEFORE               Anon                L0019



Said Kate, "Though I hum when you plumb it,                 
I never quite come to the summit.                           
To get me succumbing                                        
To humming and coming,                                      
Just thumb it and drum it and strum it."                    
                                                            
22165 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



For ages I bloody well strummed it;                         
All evening I drummed it and thumbed it.                    
But did she succumb                                         
To the hum and come?                                        
She did not. She said glumly, "You've numbed it."           
                                                            
22166 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



It's happened to me once or twice,                          
Though he tried nearly every vice.                          
I never got reeling;                                        
There just weren't no feeling                               
Between us, though all of it felt nice.                     
                                                            
22167 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



It's a hard lesson for men to learn.                        
In order for women to churn...                              
You have to start foreplay                                  
Early each and every day                                    
And not wait till we're ready to burn.                      
                                                            
22168 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



There was a young fellow from Cal.,                         
In bed with a passionate gal,                               
He leapt from the bed,                                      
To the toilet he sped,                                      
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"                     
                                                            
22169 CRITICS - BEFORE                                   L0014



There was a young woman who lay,                            
With her legs wide apart in the hay.                        
Then, calling a ploughman,                                  
She said, "Do it now, man!                                  
Don't wait 'till your hair has turned grey!"                
                                                            
22170 CRITICS - BEFORE               Norman Douglas      L0057



In bed, Dr. Oscar McPugh                                    
Spoke of Spengler, and ate crackers too.                    
His wife said, "Oh stuff                                    
That philosophy guff                                        
Up your ass, dear, and give me a screw."                    
                                                            
22171 CRITICS - BEFORE                                   L0065



Why yes, Mom, I am being good.                              
(Oooh Charlie, I don't think you should)                    
Nooo, there's no one here                                   
(Please don't lick my ear)                                  
Ignore you?  Mom!  As if I would!                           
                                                            
22172 CRITICS - BEFORE               Marlene Lewis            



"Whatever, my child, are you doing?"                        
Why nothing, Mom, I am just shooing                         
My old dog away..                                           
Mom, what did you say?"                                     
"I said, dear, 'you ought to be screwing!'"                 
                                                            
22173 CRITICS - BEFORE               Travis Brasell           



It took me some time to agree                               
To appear in a film about me,                               
And my various ex-wives                                     
Detailing our sex lives,                                    
But I did--and they rated it G.                             
                                                            
22174 CRITICS - BEFORE               John Ciardi              



She stood for to speak and then spoke                       
To a room full of feminine folk:                            
"Your man needs no diction,                                 
He just needs some friction                                 
Or the feel will be nil with each stoke."                   
                                                            
22175 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



There was a young lady of Ealing,                           
And her lover before her was kneeling.                      
Said she, "Dearest Jim,                                     
Take your hand off my quim.                                 
I much prefer fucking to feeling."                          
(Published 1870)                                            
22176 CRITICS - BEFORE               Anon                L0029



Hear heterosexual Rick:                                     
"I'll say it, and say it right quick;                       
I am not anti-fags                                          
But the very thought gags --                                
I don't like hot poop on my prick!"                         
                                                            
22177 CRITICS - BEFORE               Armand E Singer       333



A man says he's just a bit short;                           
Toulouse, too tight, just for sport.                        
It's the where, when, and how                               
That will rate you a bow.                                   
Wham, bam, just don't let it get caught.                    
                                                            
22178 CRITICS - BEFORE               Lo And Behold            



There was a young man from Antigua,                         
Who said to his girl, "What a prig you are!                 
Whenever we lay,                                            
You refuse to display                                       
The nethermost parts of your figuah!"                       
                                                            
22179 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



"Can you increase the size of my clit?"                     
Said Anita, somewhat of a twit.                             
"See, my husband's so small,                                
I can't feel him at all,                                    
And the S.O.B. can't fuck for shit!"                        
                                                            
22180 CRITICS - BEFORE               Mark Levy           P9704



Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo!                                  
You promised a real hoopty-doo;                             
But that's not what I got;                                  
'Twas just a wet spot                                       
On the sheet, before we could screw.                        
                                                            
22181 CRITICS - BEFORE               Jim Weaver Collection    



When you lay a young girl on the sod,                       
It isn't the size of your prod,                             
It's the way that you diddle                                
Your ladyfriend's middle                                    
That improves her relations with God.                       
                                                            
22182 CRITICS - BEFORE               Albin Chaplin 3024  G0186



You've got quite a preocupation                             
With fucking and copulation;                                
But all the girls say                                       
Please just go away,                                        
'Cause in bed you're no great sensation.                    
                                                            
22183 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



My dear, I think you will find,                             
As you nudge me in the behind,                              
Much to my elation,                                         
We do have relations,                                       
They're just not "family" kind.                             
                                                            
22184 CRITICS - BEFORE               Ericka                   



But once on the target you're locked,                       
(I know you won't go off half-cocked.)                      
Holster your rifle                                          
Inside my trifle,                                           
And fire 'til we both are shell-shocked.                    
                                                            
22185 CRITICS - BEFORE               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Missouri                           
Who fucked with a terrible fury,                            
'Till hauled into court                                     
For his besti-al sport,                                     
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.                        
                                                            
22186 CRITICS - BEFORE                                   L1197



"Dear Arch, one request will you grant?"                    
Asked Edith, beginning to pant,                             
"You can hammer me hard,                                    
Without goose grease or lard,                               
But drive it in straight...not a slant!"                    
                                                            
22187 CRITICS - BEFORE               E. Maidanik         P8309



There was an old fellow of Ewing,                           
Who said, "It's computing I'm doing.                        
By leaving my drawers on                                    
While clambering whores, on                                 
The whole, I've lost ten miles of screwing."                
                                                            
22188 CRITICS - BEFORE                                   L1161



That remarkable critic, E.N.                                
Had a wife who adored all young men.                        
She said, "You old fool,                                    
Don't you know that the tool                                
Is mightier far that the pen?"                              
(E.N. is probably Ernest Newman)                            
22189 CRITICS - BEFORE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Many think it is quite egotistic,                           
To have sex that is just onanistic.                         
Most people would choose                                    
To do it by twos,                                           
Since our system should stay pluralistic.                   
                                                            
22190 CRITICS - BEFORE               Isaac Asimov             



A friend of ours once was surprised                         
To have his long dong criticized,                           
By a whore who was shrewish,                                
Too fat, and half Jewish,                                   
Because it was uncircumcised.                               
                                                            
22191 CRITICS - BEFORE                                        



That chick, over there in the T-shirt                       
Can't give good head because her knees hurt.                
But to add to her crass,                                    
This nice piece of ass                                      
Gets more thumbs-up than Siskel or Ebert!                   
                                                            
22192 CRITICS - BEFORE               Citizen X                



Young studs are just not much fun;                          
They're off at the sound of a gun --                        
For all their hip-twistin'                                  
They pump like a piston,                                    
With no clue how to get the job done.                       
                                                            
22193 CRITICS - BEFORE               Kaylin Brandon           



A nervous young fellow named Fred                           
Took a charming young widow to bed.                         
When he'd diddled a while,                                  
She remarked with a smile,                                  
"You've got it all in but the head."                        
                                                            
22194 CRITICS - DURING                                        



There once was a fraulein from Berlin,                      
almost -- not entirely -- without sin.                      
To her lover she said:                                      
"That won't do, I'm afraid.                                 
Could you, please stick it all the way in?"                 
                                                            
22195 CRITICS - DURING                                        



Whenever she was in the mood                                
She'd up a sign, "I do it for food"                         
Said our adventurous Miss:                                  
"Lovemaking as such is a bliss.                             
If it, too, serves a purpose -- just as good."              
                                                            
22196 CRITICS - DURING                                        



There was a young fellow named Crouch,                      
Who was courting a girl on a couch;                         
She said, "Why not a sofa?"                                 
And he exclaimed: "Oh, for                                  
Christ's sake shut your mouth while I - ouch!"              
                                                            
22197 CRITICS - DURING               Victor Gray              



On a date a young girl may inquire                          
Why her fireman friend isn't spryer.                        
She must yell, I suppose,                                   
"Either reel out more hose                                  
Or get closer, you clod, to the fire!"                      
                                                            
22198 CRITICS - DURING                                        



A studious professor named Nestor,                          
Bet a whore all his books he could best her.                
But she drained out his balls                               
And skipped up the walls,                                   
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.                         
                                                            
22199 CRITICS - DURING                                   L0327



An impotent fumbler named Starrett                          
Lured a kitchenmaid up to the garret.                       
Intent upon sexing,         (With intentions to fuck)       
He found it damned vexing   (He was shit out of luck,)      
To hear "Foul ball" shreiked by the parrot.                 
(For the gal uses only a carrot.)                           
22200 CRITICS - DURING                                   G0772



There was a young fellow from Parma,                        
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.                      
Said the damsel, demure,                                    
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,                                
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."                     
(Said the girl, very rude, I enjoy being screwed,)          
22201 CRITICS - DURING                                   L0078



There was a young man at the Cape,                          
On a maiden, committed a rape.                              
Said she, "You damned shit,                                 
You can't fuck a bit,                                       
And your're knocking my quim out of shape."                 
                                                            
22202 CRITICS - DURING               The Pearl 1879           



Cried an Indian maid in her teepee:                         
"What you're diddling is making me weepy.                   
Either give this here rookie                                
Some boiling-hot nookie,                                    
Or I'll tear out of this teepee and peepee!"                
                                                            
22203 CRITICS - DURING                                   G2215



A girl for a caddy is droll.                                
After golf, you may give her a roll.                        
But by night, as by day,                                    
She is likely to say,                                       
"You are playing, sir, the wrong hole."                     
                                                            
22204 CRITICS - DURING                                        



The thought of his touch was enough                         
To make the young girl rub her muff.                        
But stroke as she may,                                      
She longed to just say,                                     
"Do it harder.  I'm no powder-puff!"                        
                                                            
22205 CRITICS - DURING               Charlotte                



While humping his wife in the sack,                         
He remarked, "Dear, it's tits that you lack.                
And your crotch is too snug."                               
She replied, with a shrug,                                  
You bastard, get off of my back."                           
                                                            
22206 CRITICS - DURING               Martin Wellborn          



Sneered bored little Sue from St. Joe's,                    
While watching her man start to doze,                       
"It's no good when you're nodding;                          
You've just got to keep prodding,                           
And stay razor sharp till she blows!"                       
                                                            
22207 CRITICS - DURING               Armand E Singer       110



During sex, a young housewife of Spake                      
Used to shriek, shudder, snort, scream and shake;           
But her husband said, "Polly                                
Desist from this folly,                                     
You're keeping the neighbors awake."                        
                                                            
22208 CRITICS - DURING               Jim Weaver Collection    



The Shah of the Empire of Persia,                           
Lay for days in a sexual merger.                            
When the girl asked the Shah,                               
"Won't you ever withdraw?"                                  
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."                     
                                                            
22209 CRITICS - DURING                                   L0336



Two buck rabbits watched May and Gus                        
In the midst of a hot sexing fuss.                          
One said to the other,                                      
"Mankind's so dumb, Brother,                                
I'll bet they learned that trick from US!"                  
                                                            
22210 CRITICS - DURING               Grand Prix Lim  433      



When Charlie removed his girl's clothes,                    
She was scented from head down to toes.                     
But her mood was oblique,                                   
And her thorny critique,                                    
Made him think he was fucking a rose.                       
                                                            
22211 CRITICS - DURING               Albin Chaplin   3024-0423



There was a young fellow named Adam,                        
Who bedded a beautiful madam.                               
Later on in the dark,                                       
She cried out, "Oh, Mark!"                                  
"No Mark!" he cried, "Madam I'm Adam".                      
                                                            
22212 CRITICS - DURING               Music Jones              



I love to get laughs at bedtime,                            
And I love to get sex any time.                             
Now both things are nice,                                   
But take my advice                                          
Just don't get them at the same time                        
                                                            
22213 CRITICS - DURING               Jim Weaver Collection    



A nun from the town of Shinnigan                            
Felt an urgent compulsion to sin again;                     
So she asked the devout                                     
"Will you kndly pull out                                    
And then straightway slip it back in again."                
                                                            
22214 CRITICS - DURING               Hugh Oliver           39b



There was an old lady of Dover,                             
Whose passion was such that it drove her                    
To cry, when you came,                                      
"Oh dear!, What a shame!                                    
Now you'll just have to start over!"                        
                                                            
22215 CRITICS - DURING                                        



"I assume that you know what you're doing,"                 
She asked in the midst of his screwing.                     
"Group sex may be fine,                                     
But the pleasure's not mine,                                
And the rest of the people are booing."                     
                                                            
22216 CRITICS - DURING               Fred Cohen          P8604



A young violinist named Ringer,                             
Was seducing an opera singer.                               
Said he with a grin,                                        
"Now, I've got it in."                                      
Said she, "You mean that isn't your finger?"                
                                                            
22217 CRITICS - DURING                                   L0091



They huddled together, hearts thumping;                     
She chatted about horse show-jumping.                       
He didn't reply                                             
Except to say "Why                                          
Not shut up?" as he carried on humping.                     
                                                            
22218 CRITICS - DURING               Prof M-G                 



There was an old voyeur named Zeke,                         
Who liked to hide in the closet and peek.                   
Then jump out with loud cries,                              
Of 'Aha!' and 'Surprise!"                                   
And point out your flaws in technique.                      
                                                            
22219 CRITICS - DURING                                        



A German composer named Bruckener,                          
Remarked to a lady while fuckin' 'er,                       
"Less lento, my dear,                                       
With your cute little rear;                                 
I like a hot presto when muckin' er."                       
(lento - in a slow manner, music)                           
22220 CRITICS - DURING                                        



A Brooklyn boy ready to boist,                              
Shacked up wit' a French goil, his foist.                   
When she said, "Ah! Mon cher!"                              
He replied, "Stop right dere!                               
Would you radder we fucked or convoist?"                    
                                                            
22221 CRITICS - DURING                                   G2266



One midnight, old Dante Rossetti,                           
Remarked to Miss Sidall, "Oh Betty,                         
I wish that you'd stop                                      
Shouting 'Fuck me you wop!'                                 
It turna da tool to spaghetti!"                             
                                                            
22222 CRITICS - DURING               Victor Gray              



A pious young lady named Finnegan,                          
Would caution her beau, "Now you're in again,               
Please watch it just right                                  
So you'll last through the night,                           
For I certainly don't want to sin again.                    
                                                            
22223 CRITICS - DURING                                   L0924



As two consular clerks in Madras                            
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,                         
"What a marvelous pole,"                                    
Said she, "but control                                      
Your sinkers--they're banging my ass."                      
                                                            
22224 CRITICS - DURING                                   L0123



A marriage adviser in Leeds                                 
Said, "What your wife patently needs                        
Is husbandly passion                                        
In every know fashion                                       
With a nice variation in speeds."                           
                                                            
22225 CRITICS - DURING               Harold C Bibby           



A hard-peckered lecher named Lutz                           
Had his prick in a bitch to the nuts.                       
She remarked, "My friend Hunt                               
Has more fun in my cunt;                                    
He goes three times as deep when he butts."                 
                                                            
22226 CRITICS - DURING                                   G0647



A bestial young fellow once crept                           
Upon an old lady who slept.                                 
He was husky and stout                                      
But she threw the man out,                                  
For his fucking was grossly inept.                          
                                                            
22227 CRITICS - DURING               Albin Chaplin   3024-0099



A busy Afghanistan mall                                     
From Russians was making a haul.                            
Warned old Boris the colonel,                               
"Cease this fucking infernal!"                              
So they promised a token withdrawal.                        
                                                            
22228 CRITICS - DURING               Albin Chaplin   3024-3000



It's no wonder that poor Mrs. Hance,                        
Told a shrink that she viewed life askance.                 
"At the office", she whined,                                
"All my mail runs behind,                                   
While at home my male comes in advance!"                    
                                                            
22229 CRITICS - DURING               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young Frenchman, Marceau,                       
Who said to his girlfriend, "Ah, no.                        
I admit it is sweet                                         
Ma tres chere petite,                                       
But it's your turn to move down below."                     
                                                            
22230 CRITICS - DURING               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young girl named Myer,                          
Who gave in to her lovers desire.                           
She said, "It's a sin,                                      
But now that it's in,                                       
Could you shove it a few inches higher.                     
                                                            
22231 CRITICS - DURING                                   L0896



There once was a kind of a geek                             
Who sometimes through windows would peek.                   
So, we thought, "Well,                                      
You never can tell.                                         
He might give us useful critique."                          
                                                            
22232 CRITICS - DURING               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An underworked harlot from Kew,                             
After lying all night between two                           
Post-Edwardian beaus,                                       
Said, "At Madame Tussaud's                                  
I've seen men what was livelier than you!"                  
                                                            
22233 CRITICS - DURING               John Ciardi              



There once was a girl from Piscataway,                      
Who said to a school chum, "Is that a way                   
To treat an old friend?                                     
You've got the wrong end.                                   
Stop it, please.  I do not like this thataway."             
                                                            
22234 CRITICS - DURING               appendiardi              



There was a young fellow named Clyde,                       
Who fell on a stove and he fried.                           
The doctors rushed through                                  
And they patched him like new,                              
And when he recovered, he died.                             
                                                            
22235 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Albin Chaplin   3024-2506



The rain on the window was falling;                         
The Edsel outside had been stalling;                        
The body was found                                          
With its head in the ground;                                
The method of death was appalling.                          
                                                            
22236 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0312



A young man at a diner in Groton,                           
Fell in love with the cook, was besotten.                   
So preoccupied,                                             
He took sick and died,                                      
After eating a steak that was rotten.                       
                                                            
22237 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Ned                          
Who ate, before going to bed,                               
Welsh rarebit and such,                                     
And cheese that was Dutch,                                  
And when he woke up he was dead.                            
                                                            
22238 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Newton Mackintosh   P8803



Typesetter Bill breathed fumes of lead;                     
Too cheap to buy a fan, they said.                          
Now he's in the past                                        
From type he had cast;                                      
With better air, he'd not be dead.                          
                                                            
22239 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Gerald Bosacker          



A handsome young German called Fritz,                       
On seeing a friend do the splits,                           
With a triumphant cry,                                      
Shouted, "Here, let me try!"                                
And broke into two equal bits.                              
                                                            
22240 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Michael Palin            



There once was a girl named Winona,                         
Who ran with the bulls at Pamplona.                         
She tripped on a board                                      
And was multiply gored.                                     
She went home in a box to Katonah.                          
                                                            
22241 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Susan Addington          



A fellow from Kalamazoo                                     
Had wanted to live somewhere new;                           
So he moved to the Bay, San                                 
Francisco, they say,                                        
Where a cable car chopped him in two.                       
                                                            
22242 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0306



There was a young soldier named Ed - Sir,                   
Who spent everyday in his bed - Sir.                        
One morning at one,                                         
They fired the gun,                                         
And Ed - Sir, in bed - Sir, was dead - Sir.                 
                                                            
22243 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Spike Milligan           



There was a young fellow named Clem                         
Who possessed quite remarkable phlegm.                      
When once by mistake                                        
Choked to death on a cake,                                  
He got up and did it again.                                 
                                                            
22244 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Michael Palin            



I once knew a nice girl named Sue;                          
She stopped breathing and turned very blue.                 
On a bone she did choke,                                    
And it wasn't a joke.                                       
She died on account of her hue.                             
                                                            
22245 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Mushroom                 



A baker named Sylvia Sour,                                  
Her fate became horribly dour;                              
When she met with her death                                 
Being robbed of her breath                                  
As she choked on a measure of flour.                        
                                                            
22246 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0204



A railway official at Crewe,                                
Met an engine, one day, that he knew.                       
Though he nodded and bowed,                                 
The engine was proud,                                       
And it cut him, it cut him in two.                          
                                                            
22247 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Anon (L Reed)            



Statues should be erected for sure;                         
Accolades heaped upon those of yore                         
Who first risked eating things                              
Which today pleasure brings.                                
After some "foods" though, they were no more.               
                                                            
22248 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



There was a young farmer of Limerick,                       
Who started one day to trim a rick.                         
The Fates gave a frown,                                     
The rick tumbled down,                                      
And killed him--I don't know a grimmer trick.               
                                                            
22249 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



There was a sheep-shearer named Bull                        
Who had sheared all the sheep, one bag full.                
He got caught on a snag                                     
And fell into the bag,                                      
And the poor fellow died in the wool.                       
                                                            
22250 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Albin Chaplin   3024-2481



A family lost in a fog                                      
Was swallowed right up in a bog.                            
And still more absurd,                                      
They were not disinterred                                   
Till their bones were dug up by a dog!                      
                                                            
22251 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Beelzebub                



There was a young man from Dundee,                          
Whose talent fell into the sea.                             
He tried hard to catch it,                                  
But slipped on a hatchet,                                   
Now talentless and headless is he.                          
                                                            
22252 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



There was an electrician named Ruzzi,                       
Whose wife was a bit of a floozy --                         
One day, old Fred                                           
He found his wife dead,                                     
Floating face-down in their Jacuzzi......                   
                                                            
22253 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



With her vibrator there by her side;                        
It was obvious how she had died --                          
She forgot what Fred taught her --                          
Don't mix electricity and water --                          
And that's how poor Fred's wife got fried!                  
                                                            
22254 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



Si went to the circus one day,                              
Resolved to get in without pay.                             
He ducked under the tent;                                   
No one learned where he went,                               
For the elephant thought he was hay.                        
                                                            
22255 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Vincent Wessel      P9302



An unfortunate GI named Bill                                
Lost his life when they took Bunker Hill.                   
A shame how he died,                                        
Shot by his own side,                                       
When the Captain cried, "Fire at will!"                     
                                                            
22256 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Tim Patterson            



A hound dog, while crossing the road,                       
Saw a plumber's truck crash and explode!                    
She ran for the ditch,                                      
But the unlucky bitch                                       
Got hit by a flying commode!                                
                                                            
22257 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Observer                 



The husband of Angela Lee                                   
Was killed by a falling marquee;                            
She screwed the mortician                                   
In frenzied coition;                                        
The funeral service was free.                               
                                                            
22258 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0900



There once was a very old man                               
Who ordered a high-powered fan.                             
But what came was a freezer--                               
It froze the old geezer!                                    
So much for his mail-order plan!                            
                                                            
22259 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Aaron Juratovac     P9707



The bank was about to foreclose                             
On the house of a woman named Rose,                         
And, with nowhere to stay,                                  
She just wandered away,                                     
And, at night, in the darkness, she froze.                  
                                                            
22260 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean               



The sport of a student at Yale                              
Was to slide down the bannister rail.                       
They kindled the fire                                       
For his funeral pyre                                        
With the splinters they pulled from his tail.               
                                                            
22261 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Ray Wilbur          P8512



There once was a hangman named Bruce,                       
Who decided to test his new noose.                          
With a splutter and cough,                                  
His head came right off;                                    
Turns out his new noose wasn't loose.                       
                                                            
22262 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Anon                     



In Japan, a fat tourist from Surrey,                        
Ate his curry in too great a hurry.                         
He stuffed like a goat,                                     
Till it stuck in his throat.                                
The coroner said, "Hurri-kurri!"                            
                                                            
22263 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Blunt,                       
Who was such a pitiful runt,                                
That when he assayed                                        
To hump a fair maid,                                        
He smothered himself in her cunt.                           
                                                            
22264 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                   G1991



A Boston lifesaver named Hoover,                            
While doing the Heimlich maneuver,                          
Some food did dislodge                                      
With such force, his death dodge                            
Choked a fellow who yawned in Vancouver.                    
                                                            
22265 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Prof M-G                 



A skeptical man was Bill Treater;                           
He couldn't believe his gas meter.                          
He took out a match                                         
And gave it a scratch.                                      
"Good morning!" he said to St Peter.                        
                                                            
22266 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Justine                  



Young Jimmy was lacking in sense,                           
And while searching for pleasures intense,                  
Wired his dick to the mains                                 
And switched on, but his brains                             
Blew apart with the voltage immense.                        
                                                            
22267 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Peter Wilkins            



They found him next day in the yard,                        
What was left of him, blackened and charred.                
He'd a grin in the space                                    
That once was his face,                                     
And a charcoal-grilled barbecued hard.                      
                                                            
22268 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Peter Wilkins            



A performance enhancer named Young                          
(Here's a song that just has to be sung)                    
Tied a rope 'round his neck                                 
As he jerked on his peck-                                   
Er, and got accidentally hung.                              
                                                            
22269 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Armand E Singer          



A writer of mysteries, Groat,                               
Bizarre though the stories he wrote,                        
Was found dead at home;                                     
The death cause unknown.                                    
An ice cube got stuck in his throat.                        
                                                            
22270 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Irving Superior     P8503



There once was a person of Devon                            
Whose age was one hundred and seven;                        
But he fell out of bed                                      
And came down on his head,                                  
And ascended instanter to heaven.                           
                                                            
22271 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Jim Weaver Collection    



A motor mechanic named Fox                                  
Got crushed between cylinder blocks.                        
They laid him to rest                                       
In his boots and his vest,                                  
With his spanner and jack in the box.                       
                                                            
22272 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Peter Wilkins       P9806



There once was a sad man called Buck,                       
Whose life was full of bad luck.                            
But he went out one day,                                    
Feeling happy and gay,                                      
And got hit by a twenty-ton truck.                          
                                                            
22273 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Jim Campey               



Poor Bill was a man quite insane;                           
He'd his head up his ass, it was plain.                     
But one day in the fall,                                    
As he walked down the hall,                                 
He farted and blew out his brain.                           
                                                            
22274 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Yellow Rose1             



A while ago in the Wild West,                               
An indian was brought to his last rest.                     
Killed by a weasel, they told.                              
I thought this story won't hold,                            
Reconstructed events to my best.                            
                                                            
22275 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Dirruk                   



First I gathered he was killed by a missle                  
Or finished by a bullet from a pistol.                      
Turned out he was slain                                     
By an oncoming train,                                       
And the last thing he heard was the whistle.                
                                                            
22276 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Dirruk                   



This blowtorch I thought I had mastered.                    
(Guess I shouldn't have used it while plastered.)           
Watch out for that--D'oh!                                   
His parka is--Oh                                            
"My God! I killed Kenny!" "You bastard!"                    
                                                            
22277 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



In a thunderstorm, dear Uncle Bart                          
Was struck down playing "How Great Thou Art."               
For good cheer, far from home,                              
With his new metal comb;                                    
An ironical way to depart.                                  
                                                            
22278 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Graham Lester            



There was a young fellow named Weir,                        
Who hadn't an atom of fear.                                 
He indulged a desire                                        
To touch a live wire--                                      
Most any last line will do here.                            
                                                            
22279 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Anon                     



The proper British lady named Dinah                         
Liked to screw on her lover's recliner,                     
'Til the day the spring broke                               
And propelled the poor bloke                                
From London to North Carolina.                              
                                                            
22280 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



Magic was what should have been,                            
But it turned tragic as seen.                               
We all had a laugh                                          
Sawing a gal in half;                                       
A real blade was used in the machine.                       
                                                            
22281 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Jim Weaver Collection    



The blood it gushed everywhere,                             
And the magicians dreams turned to dispair.                 
What was a cheap trick                                      
Turned nasty and sick;                                      
For the assistant we send out a prayer.                     
                                                            
22282 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Jim Weaver Collection    



The magician can do nothing but grin                        
As he thinks of the blade going in.                         
He's now gone insane                                        
And melted his brain,                                       
And he now lives in the loony bin.                          
                                                            
22283 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Jim Weaver Collection    



I would like you to know about Cory,                        
Though reluctantly retell the story.                        
A meat grinder's involved,                                  
And a blade that revolved,                                  
And from here it becomes rather gory.                       
                                                            
22284 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Bob Birch           P9806



The grave saint who saw them arrive                         
In bliss asked the youngest of five                         
"How was it you died?"                                      
"My wife said," he replied,                                 
"'Be an angel. This time let me drive.'"                    
                                                            
22285 DEATH - ACCIDENT               A. N. Wilkins       P9203



Bring this illegal suit to a halt.                          
Though the plaintiff's wife lies in her vault.              
Of her lack of endurance,                                   
My auto insurance                                           
States plainly it wasn't my fault.                          
                                                            
22286 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Laurence Perrine    P9412



A planeload of whores with ambition                         
Was shot down when it strayed from position.                
Said the colonel, "Absurd!                                  
This would not have occurred                                
Had we known they were on a piece mission."                 
                                                            
22287 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Albin Chaplin       P9104



In New York, a lift broke as though halved,                 
And some scaffolding ripped from its graft.                 
As parts flew away                                          
In disorderly spray,                                        
Ms. Thereza was who got the shaft.                          
(bystander killed in New York 1998)                         
22288 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Knotweed                 



There was a young hiker called Hilda,                       
Who went for a hike on St. Kilda.                           
They say that the climb                                     
Is really sublime;                                          
It wasn't for Hilda, it killed her.                         
                                                            
22289 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



Be careful, Michelle, you don't scar;                       
Now lunge with that broadsword as far                       
As you can through that hole.                               
I'm in total control;                                       
Now just do it; fear not, my dear ... aarrgghhh!!           
                                                            
22290 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



Poor Jim, he got crushed by a truck.                        
An instance of very bad luck.                               
God said, "I choose you,                                    
And your family to screw.                                   
So next time remember to duck."                             
                                                            
22291 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Forrie                   



Assistant mortician named Lee,                              
Whenever a man's lost at sea                                
And relatives ask it,                                       
He lies in the casket                                       
For folks who just come there to see.                       
                                                            
22292 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Irving Superior     P8503



A steam roller ran over Blore;                              
His friends slid him under the door.                        
His wife in despair,                                        
"You can't leave him there                                  
With my French Provincial decor."                           
                                                            
22293 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Irving Superior     P8811



To die in my sleep, I'd revere                              
Like dear Granny, so sweet and sincere,                     
Which is better, by far,                                    
Than the friends in her car,                                
Who went with her while screaming in fear.                  
                                                            
22294 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Bob Giandomenico    P9509



A daring young fellow in Bangor,                            
Sneaked a huge jet from its hangar.                         
When he crashed in the bay,                                 
Neighbors laid him away,                                    
Much more in sorrow than anger.                             
                                                            
22295 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



A man who was called Lucky Jim                              
Said, 'Away with all things that are grim.'                 
He stood in the street                                      
Singing, 'Life can be sweet,'                               
And a steamroller ran over him.                             
                                                            
22296 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Spike Mulligan      P0110



A fellow from Preston, named Pete                           
Was crushed, as he laid in the street,                      
From his head to his heels,                                 
By a steamroller's wheels;                                  
His corpse was as flat as a sheet.                          
                                                            
22297 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0012



For a woman from Kalamazoo                                  
Her lifespan was suddenly through,                          
When she stepped on a mine                                  
By the state/county line,                                   
And the towns that she died in, were two.                   
                                                            
22298 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0205



The body ofIsabel Hayes                                     
Was found where her livestock did graze;                    
They determined somehow                                     
She'd been crushed by a cow;                                
And her corpse had been trampled for days.                  
                                                            
22299 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0301



Augustus, for splashing his soup,                           
Was put for the night on the stoop.                         
In the morning he'd not                                     
Repented a jot,                                             
And next day he was dead of the croup.                      
                                                            
22300 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Edward Gorey             



Did you hear the bad news about Fred?                       
He took a bad hit in the head.                              
But he didn't say ouch                                      
Or lie down on the couch.                                   
He couldn't, you see, he was dead.                          
                                                            
22301 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Brandy Brandon      P9407



In an incident hard to digest,                              
Three sisters are, sadly, at rest;                          
For they tragically died                                    
After climbing inside,                                      
Getting trapped in a small, wooden chest.                   
                                                            
22302 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cap'n Bean          P0209



He died in attempting to swallow,                           
Which proves that, though fat, he was hollow.               
For in gasping for space,                                   
He swallowed his face,                                      
And hadn't the courage to follow.                           
                                                            
22303 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



There once was a rockhound named Pete,                      
On his bad-tempered mule he did beat.                       
The mule winked one eye,                                    
And his hooves did fly.                                     
Now Pete is down under six feet.                            
                                                            
22304 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Cindy Lind               



A cartoonist from Worksop, called Botts                     
Tied himself in such intricate knots,                       
That even his friends                                       
Could not find the ends                                     
And he died, still unravelled, in Notts.                    
                                                            
22305 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Michael Palin            



A dizzy old fellow named Topping,                           
Once fell down five flights without stopping.               
The janitor swore                                           
As old Top hit the floor,                                   
"It'll take me the whole darn day mopping."                 
                                                            
22306 DEATH - ACCIDENT                                        



At a street drag, frenetic "Snake" Kadle,                   
Squashed his girlfriend's offspring in its cradle.          
It was at 8th and Stiers                                    
And when "Snake" spun his tires,                            
It appeared that the traction was fatal.                    
                                                            
22307 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



There once was a man named O'Brien,                         
Who convinced that his ownself was dyin',                   
Tripped over a skate                                        
In his own paniced state,                                   
And now six feet under is lying.                            
                                                            
22308 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Peggy Miles              



Physicians convulsed him with terror,                       
But in dosing himself Mr. Lehrer                            
Scanned a medical text                                      
And died of the effects                                     
Of a small typographical error.                             
                                                            
22309 DEATH - ACCIDENT               A. N. Wilkins       P9107



A Phoenician named Phlebas forgot                           
About birds and his business -- the lot.                    
Which is no surprise,                                       
Since he'd met his demise,                                  
And been left in the ocean to rot.                          
                                                            
22310 DEATH - ACCIDENT               Wendy Cope          P0303



The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,                      
Fell into the water baptismal.                              
Ere they'd gathered its plight,                             
It had sunk out of sight,                                   
For the depth of the font was abysmal.                      
                                                            
22311 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Edward Gorey             



Depressed, he was rowing and drinking                       
In his boat, which had slowly been sinking;                 
As he sank in the sea,                                      
He was numb as could be,                                    
And he perished without even blinking.                      
                                                            
22312 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean          P0312



A gal from the country, named Midge,                        
Who resided on Saddlemont Ridge,                            
Her fate was to drown,                                      
As she drove into town,                                     
In the freaky collapse of a bridge.                         
                                                            
22313 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean          P2005



There was an Old Person of Ems,                             
Who casually fell in the Thames;                            
And when he was found,                                      
They thought he was drowned --                              
Done in my some hot mermaid femmes.                         
                                                            
22314 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Edwardian Leer 080       



There was this strange Hollywood fool,                      
Who thought gaysex drug parties were cool.                  
With a smoke when 'twas done,                               
But ash trays he'd none,                                    
So dead fags were thrown into the pool.                     
                                                            
22315 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Tiddy Ogg                



This story is going 'round town,                            
How the fag was employed as a clown.                        
His act was sheer class;                                    
He breathed through his ass,                                
But once in the pool, then he drowned.                      
                                                            
22316 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cubby                    



There was a young lady named Jane                           
Who crossed a stream after the rain.                        
When the plank broke, she cried.                            
There was such a strong tide;                               
Her belongings were found in a drain!                       
                                                            
22317 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Arthur Pattaffy          



A resourceful and wily old banker                           
Took his wife for a trip on a tanker.                       
When she fell overboard,                                    
He remarked, "Praise the Lord!"                             
And then threw her the anchor and sank her.                 
                                                            
22318 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Brandy Brandon      P9407



A beautiful beauty was she,                                 
As buxom as a beauty could be.                              
But she stumbled and fell                                   
And drowned in the well.                                    
Dumb Dora she really must be.                               
                                                            
22319 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Andy Sorenson       P9006



A sprightly young girl from Drovasis,                       
Was feeding her horses molasses.                            
When she stood near the bin,                                
A big horse knocked her in.                                 
Now she's part of the Earth's biomasses.                    
                                                            
22320 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Andrew Purdom            



A lad who dyed cotton in Lancashire                  (Lancs)
Was always engaging in pranks;                              
One day, sad to say,                                        
He tripped in his play                                      
And died in his own dyeing tanks.                           
                                                            
22321 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Harold C Bibby           



An Indian, thirsty as could be,                             
Once drank twenty gallons of iced tea.                      
I had nothing to say                                        
When I heard, the next day,                                 
They found him drowned in his own tea-pee!                  
                                                            
22322 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     John Dohner         P8810



The autobiographer Dennis                                   
Stepped out through a doorway in Venice,                    
Without taking a look,                                      
Which wrote, for his book                                   
About Dennis, a watery finis.                               
                                                            
22323 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cyber Geezer             



Sylvester, a slithering snake,                              
Raced his motorboat out on the lake.                        
A fierce storm the wave churned;                            
His frail craft overturned,                                 
And he drowned in his very own wake.                        
                                                            
22324 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Nancy Henry-Kline   P9307



There was an old rotter neamed Cotter                       
Who drank till he started to totter.                        
One man water did pour him                                  
To attempt to restore him,                                  
But he drowned like a fish out of water.                    
                                                            
22325 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Albin Chaplin   3024-2522



One morning, a bare 'un, a peer,                            
Took a plunge off the end of a pier.                        
We watched him for when                                     
He would peer up again,                                     
But he never again did appear.                              
                                                            
22326 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Laurence Perrine    P8308



An Ohio fellow named Chad                                   
Thought the rain wasn't so bad.                             
So he went onto the street                                  
Which was now eight feet deep.                              
That's the last that we heard from the lad.                 
                                                            
22327 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Jim Weaver Collection    



The vessel went out with the tide;                          
The storm it encountered was wide;                          
As the sky turned to bone,                                  
It sank like a stone,                                       
And eighty-six sailor men died.                             
                                                            
22328 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean          P0306



An old couple living in Gloucester,                         
Had a beautiful girl, they they lost her.                   
She fell from a yacht,                                      
And never the spot,                                         
Could be found where the cold waves had tossed her.         
                                                            
22329 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Michael Rosen Collection 



A native of Chalamazug,                                     
Once fell overboard from a tug.                             
He said "Ding-dong boller                                   
Dong jango zong zoller!"                                    
Which means, "Glug glug glug glug glug glug glug."          
                                                            
22330 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Graham Lester            



A pretty young maiden named Blood                           
Was lost in a thunderstorm flood.                           
And when she was found,                                     
After having been drowned,                                  
She was filled up with minnows and mud.                     
                                                            
22331 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     William K. Alsop    P8808



In the turbulent turgid St.Lawrence                         
Fell a luscious young damsel named Florence,                
Where poor famished fish                                    
Made this beautiful dish                                    
An object of utter abhorrence.                              
                                                            
22332 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED                              



There once was a farmer named Del,                          
Who died when he fell in a well;                            
He was found next week,                                     
When he started to reek,                                    
And emit a most horrible smell.                             
                                                            
22333 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean          P2006



A velocipede rider named Jake                               
Was unable to manage his brake;                             
In descending a ridge,                                      
He went off a bridge,                                       
And he drowned in the Warramaug Lake.                       
                                                            
22334 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean          P0204



She sat on the bridge, knees spread wide,                   
My finger invited inside,                                   
I stroked, tickled, prodded,                                
Expecting not what did                                      
Occur.  First she moaned and then sighed...                 
                                                            
22335 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Tiddy Ogg                



...Then let out an almighty scream;                         
And then slowly, as in a dream,                             
First backward she swayed,                                  
And ere I could aid,                                        
She'd fallen into that old stream.                          
                                                            
22336 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Tiddy Ogg                



The bells from the steeple resound,                         
As the floodwaters spread all around;                       
When they egged at the dawn,                                
My poor boy was forlorn,                                    
His dear Liz and the kids, had been drowned.                
(On High Tide On the Coast of Lincolnshire by Jean Ingelow) 
22337 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     John Stanley             



There was a young fellow of Treves,                         
Who met with a watery grave;                                
There was nobody nigh                                       
To attend to his cry                                        
As he sank 'neath the swallowing wave.                      
                                                            
22338 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Lytell Book NonsenseP0109



There once was a fair Irish maiden,                         
Who thought one fine day she'd go wadin'.                   
But so sad to tell,                                         
She couldn't swim well.                                     
Over yonder's the grave she was laid in.                    
                                                            
22339 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Simmie                   



There once was a fellow named Rod                           
Whose happiness was a facade;                               
Depressed as could be,                                      
He slipped into the sea,                                    
And he drowned off the coast of Cape Cod.                   
                                                            
22340 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean               



A tourist touched down at Brisbane,                         
And only just got off of his plane.                         
He made locals irate                                        
Sneering at Sunshine State,                                 
Then they flushed him down stormwater drain.                
                                                            
22341 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Don Humphries            



A bird-watcher with camera at his side                      
Spent some time, in the sand, in a hide.                    
When the boy did not speak                                  
By the end of the week,                                     
He was spied going out with the tide.                       
                                                            
22342 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a grandmother, dear,                         
Who stepped from the edge of a pier;                        
She was sad and alone,                                      
And she sank like a stone,                                  
In the depths of the ocean so clear.                        
                                                            
22343 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean          P0305



Shed a tear for Teresa Maginn,                              
Who jumped from a boat for a swim,                          
Got herself in a jam,                                       
With her hand in a clam,                                    
Now seaweed grows out of her quim.                          
                                                            
22344 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED                              



There was a young lady called Honor                         
Who grew to be a "prima donna."                             
She went off to Lough Ness                                  
To get away from the press.                                 
She fell in: Honor is now a goner.                          
                                                            
22345 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Arthur Pattaffy          



A greenhorn just trying out snoose                          
Forgot about packing it loose.                              
It drooled past his lips,                                   
Clear up to his hips,                                       
And finally he drowned in the juice.                        
                                                            
22346 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Without a doubt, poor Wheels,                               
I know just how she feels.                                  
She went for a ride                                         
Just before high tide,                                      
And now she swims with the seals.                           
                                                            
22347 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow who called himself Lee                             
Was killed in a fall from a tree;                           
His enchanting young wife                                   
Was then slain with a knife,                                
And his brother was drowned in the sea.                     
                                                            
22348 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n bean          P0309



A loner who called himself Clyde,                           
Was a penniless man when he died;                           
With abysmal ennui,                                         
He drowned in the sea;                                      
His body washed up with the tide.                           
                                                            
22349 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Cap'n Bean          P0303



There once was a man named Clyde,                           
Who loved to watch the tide.                                
Till sadly one day,                                         
It washed him away,                                         
And that is the way that he died.                           
                                                            
22350 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Melissa             T9801



She studied the tide pools with wonder,                     
Which ended up being a blunder.                             
For she soon was a goner                                    
When a wave crashed upon her,                               
And brutally smashed her as(s)under.                        
                                                            
22351 DEATH - ACCIDENT - DROWNED     Jerry Nordal        P0303



A woman with matronly airs                                  
Was going about her affairs,                                
When she took a great leap,                                 
And she died, in a heap,                                    
At the foot of the dining room stairs.                      
                                                            
22352 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean          P2006



Louise's career as a nanny was stopped,                     
When a baby she sat for was dropped.                        
So much for Au Pairs,                                       
And toys on the stairs,                                     
And instead of walking, she hopped.                         
                                                            
22353 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Down the stairs she went head over heels,                   
With thumping and rumping and squeals.                      
So take care where you tread,                               
Or someone will be dead,                                    
If you walk downstairs in high heels.                       
                                                            
22354 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Let us pray for the late Mr. Madder --                      
Sound of mind, sound of limb, sound of bladder.             
He was young, in his prime,                                 
And he knew how to climb,                                   
But he fell off the corporate ladder.                       
                                                            
22355 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Al Chaplin          P8812



The man on the flying trapeze                               
Lost lovely assistant, Denise.                              
A nasal infection                                           
Caused this disconnection...                                
He dropped the poor girl when he sneezed.                   
                                                            
22356 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Tiddy                    



A husband, whose manners were coarse,                       
Was killed being thrown from his horse;                     
His children were glad                                      
To be rid of their dad,                                     
And his wife was devoid of remorse.                         
                                                            
22357 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean               



There once was a fellow named Dwight                        
Who'd walk in his sleep every night,                        
'Til a night in the Fall                                    
When he climbed a great wall,                               
And he fell from a terrible height.                         
                                                            
22358 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean          P0212



A newly wed woman named Barriage                            
Was thrown from the back of her carriage,                   
In a warm summer rain,                                      
Where she died, with no pain,                               
On the twenty-third day of her marriage.                    
                                                            
22359 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean          P0007



There was a young lady so beamish,                          
Whose skin was so fair and so creamish,                     
She fell from a plane,                                      
To the path of a train;                                     
Her corpse was not one for the squeamish.                   
                                                            
22360 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean          P0104



My hot-to-trot ranchhand, Shay Skipper,                     
Fell into my motorized chipper.                             
And folks, I'm afraid                                       
That since she's pureed,                                    
I'll eat her no more, but just sip her.                     
                                                            
22361 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Travis Brasell           



There was a fellow named Pete                               
Who fell in a batch of concrete;                            
As the mixer did groan,                                     
He was mixed with the stone,                                
And now he's a part of the street,                          
                                                            
22362 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean          P0109



So poor old Rod Hull is dead;                               
Fell off his roof on his head.                              
Emu's feeling sad,                                          
As Rod was like dad,                                        
And he made quite a mess of the shed                        
                                                            
22363 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING                              



A courteous young lady named Lori,                          
While walking fell into a quarry.                           
When found, she was dying;                                  
She'd given up trying;                                      
Whispered "I couldn't wait.  I am sorry!"                   
                                                            
22364 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a fellow named Cory                          
Whose death was decidedly gory.                             
He fell from a plane,                                       
And was hit by a train,                                     
And that's only half of the story.                          
                                                            
22365 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Bob Birch           P0206



There once was a carver named White                         
Who whittled with wood every night;                         
He was crushed by a limb                                    
In a death very grim;                                       
An ironic and startling sight.                              
                                                            
22366 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean          P0304



A two year old toddler named Herb,                          
Was killed when he fell from a curb;                        
His life was so short,                                      
There was nil to report,                                    
And his obit was merely a blurb.                            
                                                            
22367 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING     Cap'n Bean          P0103



To the washer of windows, Luigi,                            
A mishap proved fatal in Fiji;                              
He was killed on the sight                                  
As he fell from a height,                                   
When he grabbed for a flyaway squeegee.                     
                                                            
22368 DEATH - ACCIDENT - FALLING                              



Before they Anne Boleyn's head chop,                        
She raised up her eyebrow and "Stop!                        
I hereby confess                                            
I screwed more or less                                      
At least half of you..." "...PLOP"                          
                                                            
22369 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P9305



Executions, once on public view,                            
Now are witnessed by only a few;                            
So we all can pretend                                       
This barbaric torment                                       
Really isn't unusual or cruel.                              
                                                            
22370 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Dr Limerick              



There was a young man on death row                          
Said: "How I got here I don't know.                         
To fry in a chair                                           
Does seem rather unfair,                                    
But I'll have the best seat for the show.                   
                                                            
22371 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Richard Long             



Said Tom, his hands behind bound,                           
A handkerchief his eyes around,                             
"The ready, aim, -- I've heard                              
But not that final word.                                    
Can bullets beat the speed of...."                          
                                                            
22372 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P8501



If my thoughts had a finger, they'd wag it                  
At the thought of that long-ago maggot                      
Whose words did intend                                      
To start a new trend:                                       
That poofs should be burned like a faggot.                  
                                                            
22373 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             LadyJ                    



British cigarettes do share the name                        
And the sticks from the earlier claim.                      
But I cannot abide                                          
By the use to deride...                                     
Though my friends are all homos who flame.                  
                                                            
22374 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             LadyJ                    



When did "faggot" get put to misuse                         
And used as a term of abuse?                                
The definition of this                                      
Is a bundle of sticks,                                      
Not a guy who likes other guy's juice.                      
                                                            
22375 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Gearhart                 



Said the Brakeman, "Your coupling's too loose!"             
To the Hangman, adjusting the noose.                        
Said the Hangman, "Don't fret!                              
The last jerk you get                                       
They'll applaud even in the caboose."                       
                                                            
22376 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             John Miller 0080         



If a teenager does a crime which                            
Kills a person, the son of a bitch                          
Should first be tried,                                      
And then should be fried.                                   
Just ask me; I'll pull the switch.                          
                                                            
22377 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Al Willis           P9601



A dean with precise elocution                               
Said with no circumlocution,                                
That children who mutter,                                   
Stammer or stutter,                                         
Shall be punished through electocution.                     
                                                            
22378 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Maxine Stephen           



Each time the henchman threw the switch,                    
The condemned man's body would twitch,                      
And the lights would go down                                
There in Ossining town;                                     
Sometimes way-up to Bear-Mountain Bridge.                   
                                                            
22379 DEATH - EXECUTIONS                                      



Whatever your stance, Karla Faye                            
Didn't have a very good day.                                
She went out in style,                                      
With a prayer and a smile,                                  
Knowing more about Texan fair play.                         
(bitch killed two people with a pickaxe - fuck her! - McW)  
22380 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Annie Jay                



While Willie messed around, it's true,                      
Bush executed quite a few,                                  
Failing to reprieve;                                        
Leaving folks to grieve,                                    
More deaths than all of U.S., too.                          
                                                            
22381 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Larry                    



Most were poor blacks who could not pay,                    
For a decent expense anyway.                                
Ethel and Julius                                            
Died as spies of us,                                        
Because they were Jewish, I'd say.                          
                                                            
22382 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Larry                    



A killer by the name of fat Ed,                             
Left thirty five people quite dead.                         
When the gallows did drop,                                  
There was heard a loud pop;                                 
His body was torn from his head.                            
                                                            
22383 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Jim Weaver Collection    



They should have used "Old Sparky", not rope,               
Then they wouldn't have had to cope.                        
There'd be no stretch mark,                                 
Just a glow in the dark,                                    
The bulk would be rendered to soap.                         
                                                            
22384 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Jim Weaver Collection    



It served the sick fat bastard right                        
For feeding his huge appetite.                              
Did he eat something fried                                  
On the day that he died?                                    
I'll bet the results were a sight.                          
                                                            
22385 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Jim Weaver Collection    



Remember Vanzetti and Sacco?                                
Each was fried as an anarchist wacko.                       
Well modern ballistics                                      
Has confirmed those statistics --                           
They were caught in forensic delicto.                       
                                                            
22386 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Les Asprin          P9812



There once was a convict named Carter                       
Who regarded himself as a martyr.                           
Phonics might help his reading,                             
But won't help his breeding,                                
And he's not gonna get a bit smarter.                       
                                                            
22387 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



What ever could be more moronic                             
Than hooking inmates on a phonic?                           
I doubt that but few                                        
Would raise their IQ;                                       
Better yet, let them get a colonic.                         
                                                            
22388 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Tom Patton          P0208



A Briton who shot at his king,                              
Was doomed on the gallows to swing.                         
When the rope was made fast,                                
He cried out, "At last!                                     
I'm getting the hang of the thing!"                         
                                                            
22389 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             David Ross          P9210



On Louis Sixteen's stone was writ                           
His name, two dates, and a postscript --                    
SO MANY THAT DAY                                            
AND IN SUCH DISARRAY,                                       
WE HOPE HEAD AND BODY WILL FIT.                             
                                                            
22390 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P8702



The guillotine goes to the top                              
And for a moment there will stop,                           
As into the basket--                                        
For those who have asked it--                               
A mirror so they'll see the drop.                           
                                                            
22391 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P9401



Premier Deng is failing at last;                            
His strength is weakening fast.                             
Each hard liner                                             
In all of China                                             
Is hanging dissidents at half mast.                         
                                                            
22392 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Tom Patton          P9604



A dashing fine fellow named Young,                          
On the gallows stood, hooded and strung.                    
Though everyone saw                                         
A miscarriage of law,                                       
The ladies liked how he was hung.                           
                                                            
22393 DEATH - EXECUTIONS                                 G2069



The condemned, very slender and young,                      
Exercised till the day the trap sprung;                     
He fulfilled the hope                                       
Of neck stronger than rope:                                 
Yet you truly can say he's well hung.                       
                                                            
22394 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             John Miller 0022         



The gas chamber's waiting for Gwinnet                       
And now they are strapping him in it.                       
What words....will he speak?                                
"I've practiced all week.                                   
Can now hold my breath for a minute."                       
                                                            
22395 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P8501



A young ladykiller named Young,                             
Did deeds that were mostly unsung.                          
But now that he's dead,                                     
At least this can be said:                                  
He was hung like a man should be hung.                      
                                                            
22396 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Pierce Evans             



Concerning my maiden aunt's grief,                          
The tale, although said, is quite brief.                    
Her love, the rapscallion,                                  
Wasn't hung like a stallion--                               
Instead, he was hung like a thief.                          
                                                            
22397 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Norm Storer              



The hanging of Julius Ember                                 
Is worthy indeed to remember;                               
He went to the gallows                                      
The night of All Hallows',                                  
But escaped on the third of November.                       
                                                            
22398 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Prof M-G                 



On trial for his life was McClung;                          
The neck of his wife had been wrung.                        
But they could not agree                                    
What the verdict should be;                                 
McClung and the jury were hung.                             
                                                            
22399 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Albin Chaplin 3024  P8111



In prison she should have stayed,                           
With her religion and prayed,                               
On how to bring back                                        
Those souls that she hacked.                                
Too damned bad if she was dismayed.                         
                                                            
22400 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Arden                    



I don't believe in the death penalty.                       
No sir, no ma'am, not me.                                   
But why exempt                                              
From a crime so contempt,                                   
Just because she's a woman, you see?                        
                                                            
22401 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Arden                    



After mugging a fast-thinking nurse,                        
The thief left the scene in a hearse.                       
He met his demise                                           
With a look of surprise,                                    
When she knock him cold with her purse.                     
                                                            
22402 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Jim Weaver Collection    



The state has a humane intention,                           
Teaching phonics to men in detention.                       
For each guy on death row,                                  
The I.Q. will grow,                                         
Then they'll give him his lethal injection                  
                                                            
22403 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



The biggest name dropper of all,                            
In Paris, she's knitting a shawl.                           
As off a head came,                                         
She'd knit in a name.                                       
The Madame was having a ball.                               
                                                            
22404 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P9507



A horny young Jester named Gene,                            
The last he was said to be seen,                            
Was when, found by the King,                                
He had whipped out his thing,                               
As he lifted the skirt of the Queen.                        
                                                            
22405 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Cap'n Bean          P0010



A. G. Woods stamped his foot in a snit                      
And whined that he couldn't commit                          
Lethal injection                                            
(A form of correction)                                      
On an inmate who'd nary a wit.                              
                                                            
22406 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Acetous                  



Governor Parris Glendening                                  
Stayed all executions, depending                            
On if he concludes                                          
They're not racially skewed --                              
But they are, so the practice is ending.                    
                                                            
22407 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Dr Limerick  05-09-02    



There was a young man named Mario                           
Who took pride in his roots in the barrio.                  
But he crossed up his gang,                                 
Who said he would hang;                                     
And is now in the obits of "El Diario."                     
                                                            
22408 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Zekow              TP9804



There once was a woman in Quito                             
Who ousted El Loco, subito;                                 
To enjoy ruling ways                                        
But for only two days;                                      
Now she's just as subito finito.                            
                                                            
22409 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9702



Schnitzel, an unfriendly schnauzer,                         
Bit the mailman right through his trouser.                  
For rabies they tested;                                     
Poor Schnitz was infested;                                  
He was shot with a World War One Mauser.                    
                                                            
22410 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Nancy Henry-Kline   P9306



The electric chair faced convict Brown,                     
But the warden had reason to frown.                         
They had readied the switch                                 
For the son-of-a-bitch,                                     
But the convict refused to sit down.                        
                                                            
22411 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Al Chaplin          P9902



If a man kills a man, execution                             
Seems a righteous and just retribution;                     
Appeasing our lust                                          
To assault the unjust,                                      
And of course, helps him make restitution.                  
                                                            
22412 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             John Miller 0361a        



The guillotine -- did Louis duck it?                        
And Danton's head, did not you pluck it?                    
And now proud Robespierre,                                  
Their epitaphs you share,                                   
'ANOTHER DROP IN THE BUCKET.'                               
                                                            
22413 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P8702



While Joan of Arc burned at the stake,                      
A bishop said, "Wow, what a flake!                          
We gave her two choices:                                    
Deny hearing voices                                         
Or else it's the old shake and bake."                       
                                                            
22414 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Liam Reidy          P8502



There was an old person named Zorn,                         
He should never, in fact, have been born.                   
The mistake was but slight                                  
And was quickly put right,                                  
For they shot him one morning at dawn.                      
                                                            
22415 DEATH - EXECUTIONS                                      



So if your ass you've got a hair in,                        
You think U.S. rule not a fair win,                         
We'll give you a peace                                      
That will never cease;                                      
Here, sniff on this small bit of Sarin.                     
(Sarin - nerve gas)                                         
22416 DEATH - EXECUTIONS                                      



While trying to live like a Bedouin,                        
A CIA aqgent named Edwin                                    
Attempted to sneak                                          
A cute slave from a sheik,                                  
And in no time at all was a dead one.                       
                                                            
22417 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Laundered Limericks P9012



The convict would read in the yard,                         
Under eyes of a grim watchful guard.                        
He used to pump iron,                                       
But now he reads Byron.                                     
With phonics, he'll soon read the Bard.                     
                                                            
22418 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



The Superbowl, Miami, Sunday,                               
And then the more exciting Monday.                          
Well there be more delay?                                   
Will justice have its day?                                  
The Tuesday exodus of Bundy.                                
(at last the execution of serial killer Theodore Bundy)     
22419 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P8903



"Let's tighten the loopholes," jurist Roos.                 
"The killers are caught and then let loose.                 
By legal flaw                                               
They slip the law.                                          
Let's tighten the loopholes on the noose."                  
                                                            
22420 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Irving Superior     P8111



Twenty year death-row con "Snake" O'Hare,                   
At last, one midnight, got the chair.                       
His last prayer, 'fore he died,                             
With blind faith did abide:                                 
"The Lord won't give me too much to bear."                  
                                                            
22421 DEATH - EXECUTIONS             Loren Fitzhugh      P0310



One of the Duke's heirs abstains,                           
From gradiloquent show, but retains                         
A small urn with a flame,                                   
On their plot to proclaim                                   
As embered the graves of the Waynes.                        
                                                            
22422 DEATH - GRAVES                 Bob Giandomenico    P9807



There once was a fellow named Fern,                         
Who died from a terrible burn;                              
His widow now weeps,                                        
And his ashes she keeps                                     
On her mantel, inside of an urn.                            
                                                            
22423 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0800



The maid to the late Mr. Groover                            
Was vacuuming close by the louver;                          
She made a quick turn,                                      
Knocking over his urn,                                      
And his ashes got sucked by the Hoover.                     
                                                            
22424 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0207



My Epitaph: Here lieth Pete;                                
Kicked the bucket while easing his meat                     
Into Debbie Devine                                          
Age one hundred and nine.                                   
(No not Deb -- she was 20 and sweet.)                       
                                                            
22425 DEATH - GRAVES                 Peter Wilkins            



In attempts to exhume Mr. Sound,                            
The results were quite odd and profound;                    
For they dug 'round his stone,                              
Under grass, neatly mown,                                   
But his coffin was not in the ground.                       
                                                            
22426 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0207



There was a young man of Laconia,                           
Whose mother-in-law had pneumonia.                          
He hoped for the worst--                                    
And after March first,                                      
They buried her 'neath a begonia.                           
                                                            
22427 DEATH - GRAVES                                          



It was an unusual affair,                                   
But the story's a true one, I swear;                        
For a woman named Rose,                                     
It seems that she chose                                     
To be buried inside her Corvair.                            
(AP story from Tiverton, RI, 1998)                          
22428 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P9807



The brown-noser, Joe, did amass                             
A great many points, but alas,                              
When his boss died of flu,                                  
They interred poor Joe too,                                 
For his nose was stuck firm in the ass.                     
                                                            
22429 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1928



A repulsive old fellow was Price                            
Who never said anything nice.                               
When his coffin was nailed                                  
Her still ranted and railed,                                
So they buried the poor bastard twice.                      
                                                            
22430 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2753



There once was a man named Shawn,                           
Who always awoke before dawn.                               
One day he did not;                                         
He must have forgot.                                        
He is now buried under the lawn.                            
                                                            
22431 DEATH - GRAVES                 Lana                     



So bitchy a wife had old Gelling,                           
It was rugged to live in one dwelling.                      
When she died he was merry                                  
But he made sure to bury                                    
Her deeper to drown out her yelling.                        
                                                            
22432 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2587



There was an old bopper called Ron,                         
(And heaven knows what he was on);                          
His tombstone's inscribed:                                  
'For years he imbibed,                                      
And now, man, this cat's really gone.'                      
                                                            
22433 DEATH - GRAVES                 RON RUBIN                



When called on to bury a horse,                             
It's best to avoid using force.                             
The hole should be deep                                     
To cover the feet,                                          
Else use a chainsaw, of course.                             
                                                            
22434 DEATH - GRAVES                 John Paulk          P0309



Here Travis lies low in his boots;                          
Feared dead 'cause he was in cahoots                        
With Rue Schlock and Maude                                  
And whores who applaud                                      
The fact that his cold cock still shoots.                   
                                                            
22435 DEATH - GRAVES                 Travis                   



When his wife passed away, Mr. Scott                        
Said, a true-to-life posture he sought.                     
So he laid her to rest                                      
With one hand 'cross her chest,                             
And the other hand over her twat.                           
                                                            
22436 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2287



The Crematorium owner'd not care                            
That the corpse was burnt with no hair.                     
The price was the same                                      
Whether fit or was lame,                                    
As it makes no difference "in there".                       
                                                            
22437 DEATH - GRAVES                 TuttaGioia               



The sole Round Table member with bust                       
(One Dot Parker)'s immortalized just-                       
ly for lines about passes,                                  
And lasses with glasses,                                    
And her epitaph "Excuse My Dust"!"                          
                                                            
22438 DEATH - GRAVES                 Robin K. Willoughby P8702



Soak in cold nitrogen marinade;                             
Wrap in shroud that will biodegrade.                        
Bury with this technique                                    
And after some weeks,                                       
Bag and market with name "Soylent Jade."                    
(Swedish eco-friendly burial method)                        
22439 DEATH - GRAVES                 Dr Limerick              



Above the mausoleum door                                    
The epitaph read NEVERMORE.                                 
Scholars claim that bird                                    
Quoted that word,                                           
And friends somewhere had found one more.                   
                                                            
22440 DEATH - GRAVES                 Irving Superior     P8702



An old racing driver Bill Rust,                             
Whose long string of victories nonplussed                   
Both his colleagues and foes,                               
In his final days chose                                     
As an epitaph; "Excuse my dust."                            
                                                            
22441 DEATH - GRAVES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



Here lies an old farmer Jim Hill,                           
Who grew worms for commerce. This skill                     
He has not forgot,                                          
For in this lowly plot                                      
The farmer is feeding worms still.                          
                                                            
22442 DEATH - GRAVES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



An elder, quite feeble and frail,                           
He died on a wilderness trail;                              
The air was so frigid                                       
His corpse became rigid;                                    
They buried him stiff as a rail.                            
                                                            
22443 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0402



Now I lay me down to sleep;                                 
I pray the lord will my soul keep.                          
If I die don't you                                          
Send my body to                                             
That Georgia crematory creep.                               
(Georgia crematory just stacked and dumped bodies 2002)     
22444 DEATH - GRAVES                 Marlene Lewis            



Though gravestones I do not molest,                         
One inscription was not manifest.                           
When I brushed off the dew,                                 
The fine print came in view:                                
You bastard, get off of my chest                            
                                                            
22445 DEATH - GRAVES                 Al Chaplin          P8701



A solemn old mortuary bird                                  
By epitaphs always was stirred,                             
And he said, "It's a matter                                 
Not of serious chatter                                      
But grave humor for all those interred."                    
                                                            
22446 DEATH - GRAVES                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P8702



There was an old harlot named Klotz,                        
Who was famed as the hottest of twats.                      
When they buried the bitch,                                 
All the graves had an itch,                                 
And their stones blew all over the plots.                   
                                                            
22447 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2143



A gourmand I knew had turned grey,                          
But GUTTLED with gusto each day.                            
Till it did him in.                                         
And now he's quite thin,                                    
As GUTTLING earthworms have their way.                      
                                                            
22448 DEATH - GRAVES                 Chris Papa               



No doubt, you may think this absurd,                        
But Roughage just died -- have you heard?                   
He passed through the canal                                 
With no folderal.                                           
So, I guess you know that he's interred.                    
                                                            
22449 DEATH - GRAVES                 Al Willis                



A party called Aleister Crank                               
Was respected in every bank.                                
Why must we assume                                          
That they put on his tomb:                                  
"He lived--and he died--and he stank!"                      
                                                            
22450 DEATH - GRAVES                                     G2302



It's ironical, clearly, the lot                             
Of the master interred in this spot.                        
Are the fates playing games                                 
When we find Henry James                                    
In a simple and plain English plot?                         
                                                            
22451 DEATH - GRAVES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



Never a giver but taker;                                    
In life, a mover and shaker.                                
My life spent as sinner,                                    
I came out a winner;                                        
Now lying here in God's acre.                               
                                                            
22452 DEATH - GRAVES                 Jeanie                   



A couple were seeking delight                               
In a graveyard by eerie moonlight.                          
"Gruesome!" he said,                                        
"It sure did!" she said,                                    
"I sure hope you can bury it right."                        
                                                            
22453 DEATH - GRAVES                 John Miller 0153         



A philosopher, whose life turned jejune,                    
Sought a phrase on his tomb to be hewn.                     
After years on this quest                                   
He selected as best:                                        
'SO LONG FRIEND, SEE YOU SOON.'                             
(jejune - inadequate)                                       
22454 DEATH - GRAVES                 Arthur Deex         P8702



Joe McCarthy proved that the same fate                      
Attends both the mean and the great.                        
But he seems more at home,                                  
For the Capital dome                                        
Gave him practice at lying in state.                        
                                                            
22455 DEATH - GRAVES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



A silly young man from Clyde                                
In a funeral procession was spied;                          
When asked, "Who is dead?"                                  
He giggled and said,                                        
I don't know; I just came for the ride."                    
                                                            
22456 DEATH - GRAVES                 Lims For Year - 01       



A house-auctioneer called Brown                             
Bought a semi-detached in the town,                         
For his family of five --                                   
Some dead, some alive;                                      
At the last count three up and two down.                    
                                                            
22457 DEATH - GRAVES                 Spike Milligan      P0104



A fellow we once knew as Jed                                
Is present today - though he's dead;                        
For his wife keeps him neat                                 
On their Vineyard retreat                                   
In the attic, on top of his bed.                            
                                                            
22458 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n bean          P0206



The widow of Edison Jones                                   
Has a keepsake she morbidly owns,                           
For she buried his skin,                                    
And his organs within,                                      
But she didn't let go of his bones.                         
                                                            
22459 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0107



On a cold night a blind man named Bert                      
Fell into a new grave, unhurt.                              
He screamed, "Help me, I'm freezing!"                       
A drunk staggered by, wheezing                              
"I guess so. You kicked off your dirt!"                     
                                                            
22460 DEATH - GRAVES                 Theo Heller         P9401



A funeral director, Bud Spears                              
Thinks his work is the best of careers.                     
You won't need him often.                                   
He sells a mean coffin;                                     
That's the reason he's the King of Biers.                   
                                                            
22461 DEATH - GRAVES                 Tom Patton          P0303



A lister, his body a-stiffin',                              
Was asked what to play when he gave in.                     
"Whatever you play,                                         
Keep it soft, guys, OK?                                     
In case your hear 'Knock Knock?' from within."              
(lister - one who makes lists, laundry, tax assessors, etc.)
22462 DEATH - GRAVES                                          



The Laurel/Hardy epitaphs --                                
Because they shared a million gaffs                         
Hardy with his tie,                                         
Stan about to cry --                                        
On each FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND LAUGHS.                       
                                                            
22463 DEATH - GRAVES                 Irving Superior     P8702



There once was a Mexican mummy                              
Who didn't find death very funny.                           
So his tears wet his eyes                                   
And the gauze wicked them dry,                              
And his skin remained gluey and gummy.                      
                                                            
22464 DEATH - GRAVES                 Anon                     



An old undertaker named Carrier                             
Prepared a cadaver to bury her.                             
They brought four more that night                           
And he cried in delight;                                    
"The more that they bring in, the merrier."                 
                                                            
22465 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2862



Morticians are deft and demure;                             
Their clients, I gather, concur;                            
They always behave                                          
In a manner guite grave                                     
And they "never say die" (as it were).                      
                                                            
22466 DEATH - GRAVES                 LaDonna Jones       P8503



His was smoothest booze; he, greatest guy                   
Never dreamed he would suddenly die                         
Graveside rites became famous                               
Final toast overcame us                                     
The most apt, "Here's mud in your eye.                      
                                                            
22467 DEATH - GRAVES                 Esther Koch         P0112



A mumified corpse did endure                                
In the home of old lady McClure.                            
A baby forbidden?                                           
A secret well hidden?                                       
Of the facts we will never be sure.                         
(baby mummy found in Norwich, CT)                           
22468 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0204



A disposer or corpses, we've learned:                       
His income was not duly earned;                             
He collected the dead,                                      
But he grossly misled,                                      
For the bodies have never been burned.                      
                                                            
22469 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0203



There was an old trapper named Dave                         
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.                          
But he didn't fuck her                                      
Or eat her or suck her;                                     
He just thought it made a nice grave.                       
                                                            
22470 DEATH - GRAVES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Though that old libertine Henry Wace                        
Has found an ideal trysting place                           
Where gossip or prude                                       
Will never intrude,                                         
He has no floozy now to embrace.                            
                                                            
22471 DEATH - GRAVES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



There once was a loner named Paul                           
Whose funeral service was small;                            
If it weren't for the priest                                
And the person deceased,                                    
There'd be no one attending at all.                         
                                                            
22472 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0201



Here lies that unfortunate bitch,                           
She's gone now, thank God, what a witch!                    
Left us not one penny,                                      
Although she had plenty,                                    
So we'll bury her here in this ditch.                       
                                                            
22473 DEATH - GRAVES                                          



A stiff in a coffin named Jake,                             
He opened his eyes at his wake.                             
Then he jumped to the floor                                 
Amidst fainting galore,                                     
Saying, "DAMN, there has been a mistake!"                   
                                                            
22474 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0305



If I die when I'm walking around,                           
Then my body will land on the ground.                       
If I die on the moon,                                       
I'll be like a balloon,                                     
And who knows where my corpse will be found.                
                                                            
22475 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean               



With his best pipe, they've cremated Clive,                 
And she says when his ashes arrive,                         
She will scatter them there                                 
On the rug near his chair,                                  
Just as he did when he was alive.                           
                                                            
22476 DEATH - GRAVES                 A N Wilkins         P9202



Ten times in my life I gave birth,                          
Now I am down here in the cold earth.                       
If you could hear my voice,                                 
This would be my last choice:                               
One "first coming" was all the rest's worth.                
                                                            
22477 DEATH - GRAVES                 Big Mama                 



Old Arch's departure was grand,                             
Though some of the details are banned.                      
For he met his fate                                         
At one hundred and eight,                                   
When shot by a outraged husband.                            
                                                            
22478 DEATH - GRAVES                 Archie                   



Among the least used epitaphs                               
Are these -- THIS TOO SHALL PASS.                           
For who'd want to add,                                      
JUST A THINKING DAD                                         
WHO THOUGHT THAT THE PAIN WAS JUST GAS.                     
                                                            
22479 DEATH - GRAVES                 Irving Superior     P8702



When I'm buried, for crying out loud,                       
Don't spend very much; I'm not proud.                       
Use a white gunnysack,                                      
All front and no back.                                      
They call it a cheap pauper's shroud.                       
                                                            
22480 DEATH - GRAVES                 Al Willis           T9707



"Whenever," says mortician Snive,                           
"Folks fear being buried alive,                             
I will if the ask it,                                       
Install in the casket                                       
A phone just in case they revive."                          
                                                            
22481 DEATH - GRAVES                 Irving Superior     P8503



The last will of Horace P. Grone:                           
Inside of my casket, a phone,                               
In cast the physician                                       
Or else the mortician                                       
To errors in judgment is prone.                             
                                                            
22482 DEATH - GRAVES                 Irving Superior     P9802



Adolph Hitler, who once thought it bliss                    
To bring the world to the abyss,                            
Was a criminal knave,                                       
And since this is his grave,                                
Stop long enough for a good piss.                           
                                                            
22483 DEATH - GRAVES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



Her body defines the word, Art;                             
A beauty to the mind, soul and heart.                       
I long for the day                                          
That in a coffin I lay,                                     
So we may never again be apart.                             
                                                            
22484 DEATH - GRAVES                 Portero                  



My Granddad of earlier days                                 
Spent his life on a corn whiskey craze.                     
Thoughts of burial he hated,                                
So we had him cremated.                                     
It took three days to put out the blaze.                    
                                                            
22485 DEATH - GRAVES                 Frank Ward          P9311



When alive, I made such a sound                             
It would make the whole valley resound.                     
Now sound, sound asleep,                                    
Strict silence I keep,                                      
No decibels toll underground.                               
                                                            
22486 DEATH - GRAVES                 Laurence Perrine    P8702



The rendering down of some Jews                             
Puts Germans right up in the news.                          
Since then we have found                                    
It works all around,                                        
With Christians, Muslims and Hindoos.                       
                                                            
22487 DEATH - GRAVES                 Archie                   



Mort's a rigger.  Embalmers support his                     
Fine work rigging crypts which his forte is.                
His brother works too                                       
As a rigger, it's true,                                     
But he's surely not the rigger Mort is.                     
                                                            
22488 DEATH - GRAVES                 Bob Giandomenico    P9206



Rotting here under this Roman Sod                           
Lies Rogerio Borgia's old bod.                              
If the Lord made all things,                                
As the gospeler sings,                                      
He reflects little credit on God.                           
                                                            
22489 DEATH - GRAVES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



Body container, SARCOPHAGUS,                                
Protects same from athropophagus.                           
But both are unsound                                        
For environ's ground,                                       
Where planting supports asparagus.                          
                                                            
22490 DEATH - GRAVES                 Daniel Ford              



SARCOPHAGUS, is stone you see,                              
Where some folks prefer to be,                              
Buried for ages,                                            
As old world still rages,                                   
Just spinning to eternity.                                  
                                                            
22491 DEATH - GRAVES                 Chris Papa               



When I'm dead, I just want to fry;                          
Don't want any worms to drop by.                            
Just scatter my dust,                                       
And when there's a gust,                                    
You'll hear, "I've got Jim stuck in my eye."                
                                                            
22492 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cheryl                   



Toward men, an old virgin named Moffin,                     
Her attitude never would soften.                            
She was laid out in grace                                   
With a smile on her face --                                 
In the end she was screwed in her coffin.                   
                                                            
22493 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2998



When screwing a widow who's grieving,                       
Remind her that you will be leaving                         
Right after the coffin                                      
Is buried, and boffin'                                      
Prepares her for 'mourner' receiving.                       
                                                            
22494 DEATH - GRAVES                                          



Hubby wants to be buried at sea;                            
I guess that it's okay with me --                           
I'll just set him afloat,                                   
Just him and his boat,                                      
Forever...!  How happy he'll be!                            
                                                            
22495 DEATH - GRAVES                 Kaylin                   



Here's to Jeanie!  Come all, slake your thirst!             
Drink up, though in grief you're immersed.                  
Too late for the doc,                                       
She died of the shock                                       
The night her husband let her come first!                   
                                                            
22496 DEATH - GRAVES                 Jeanie                   



An old skeleton known as Steve,                             
Thought, "No one ever comes here to grieve.                 
They're probablly scoffin'                                  
At me in my coffin.                                         
If I had any guts, I would leave!"                          
                                                            
22497 DEATH - GRAVES                 Observer                 



The self-styled old clergyman Crist,                        
To speak at a wake would insist.                            
And the corpse, we should mention,                          
Sat erect at attention,                                     
For no person his speech would have missed.                 
                                                            
22498 DEATH - GRAVES                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2528



A crossword addict named Moss,                              
Had an adverse reaction to sauce.                           
It was spicy and hot;                                       
He choked there on the spot,                                
Now he's buried six down, three across.                     
                                                            
22499 DEATH - GRAVES                 Observer                 



Since "sleeping on the marble bed"                          
Can only mean that you are dead.                            
No tossing, no turning,                                     
No more blanket yearning.                                   
And no more alarm clock to dread.                           
                                                            
22500 DEATH - GRAVES                 Irving Superior     P9806



"To sleep on marble slab" must be                           
A down-and-outers hostelry,                                 
Where the homeless hie                                      
On graveside slabs lie,                                     
If they're set horizontally.                                
                                                            
22501 DEATH - GRAVES                 Irving Superior     P9806



Here lies old Daniel McGraw,                                
Who's unfortunately started to thaw.                        
He was brought here on ice,                                 
But the smell's not too nice,                               
Since he's moved on to rotten from raw.                     
                                                            
22502 DEATH - GRAVES                 John Miller              



When I'm dead, there'll be no need to moan,                 
Just bury me next to my phone.                              
To waken my slumber,                                        
Just dial my number,                                        
And speak to me after the tone.                             
                                                            
22503 DEATH - GRAVES                 Richard Long             



"At the door of the whorehouse they found                   
You, George, so we'll drill in the ground,                  
A spiral," his wife                                         
Said, "All of your life                                     
Was spent simply screwing around."                          
                                                            
22504 DEATH - GRAVES                                          



An old geezer who can't hear it thunder,                    
Took Viagra and looked down in wonder.                      
His pajamas had burst!                                      
It so frightened his nurse,                                 
She died and is now six feet under!                         
                                                            
22505 DEATH - GRAVES                                          



The Rana's relict, the Ranee,                               
When told she must practice suttee,                         
Said, "I'd like to know why;                                
I'd no use for the guy;                                     
Such acts burn me up," noted she.                           
                                                            
22506 DEATH - GRAVES                 Armand E Singer       614



My life will quite soon be all over.                        
Now you'll ask exactly what drove'er?                       
It's nothing at all,.                                       
But only my fall.                                           
On my tomb, just throw down a clover.                       
                                                            
22507 DEATH - GRAVES                 Jillian                  



Though not too attracted to bungin',                        
He loved giving her a good toungin'.                        
He'd wait and he'd wait                                     
'Til he'd got her real straight.                            
To bad he died while such a young 'un.                      
                                                            
22508 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cybe R Wizard            



Oh, you ran out on me, Cindy Lou,                           
But you'll come back to me, they always do.                 
And you won't be so gay,                                    
When I laying you away,                                     
And I shovel dirt on you, Cindy Lou.                        
(gravedigger's lament)                                      
22509 DEATH - GRAVES                 Tom K Ryan               



On days when my brain is inert,                             
I think about my Uncle Bert.                                
It's no inspiration                                         
But some consolation,                                       
His brain's six feet under the dirt.                        
                                                            
22510 DEATH - GRAVES                 Tony Burrell             



Here's Brian Vaughan's mortal remains                       
Which were brought here by seventeen cranes,                
To a hole that's so big                                     
It took eight years to dig,                                 
And still only holds Brian's brains.                        
                                                            
22511 DEATH - GRAVES                 John Miller              



The tombstone of Solomon Mauffin                            
Is cut in the shape of a coffin;                            
Through the vines and the weeds,                            
His epitaph reads:                                          
"I hope that you visit here often."                         
                                                            
22512 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0306



The tombstone of Roosevelt Missal                           
Is carved with a border of thistle;                         
Sitting high on a knoll,                                    
It was made with a hole,                                    
Through which you can hear the wind whistle.                
                                                            
22513 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0309



The widow of Oliver Drone                                   
Felt terribly sad and alone;                                
She mourned him each day,                                   
On the spot where he lay,                                   
'Till she dies at the foot of his stone.                    
                                                            
22514 DEATH - GRAVES                 Cap'n Bean          P0109



Here's Ogg, macerated, don't weep,                          
Though memories fond you may keep.                          
He died of poor sight,                                      
'Cause one summer's night,                                  
He rogered a wolf not a sheep.                              
                                                            
22515 DEATH - GRAVES                 Tiddy Ogg                



Aging's alternative's boring...                             
Just silence, no chatting, no scoring!                      
In your little pine box                                     
'Neath the earth, 'neath the rocks,                         
With the worms and the bettles a-boring.                    
                                                            
22516 DEATH - GRAVES                 Tutta Gioia              



The worms crawl in and crawl out.                           
Don't eat that!  It had the gout!                           
They want something yummy                                   
Like fudge in your tummy,                                   
They'd eat it embalmed, without doubt.                      
                                                            
22517 DEATH - GRAVES                                          



I hope when they bury my ass,                               
The caretaker makes a pass                                  
Around me with a mower,                                     
'Cause at six feet and lower,                               
My dick will stick up through the grass.                    
                                                            
22518 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        MrMalo                   



The mower that gives you a buzz,                            
Won't match up to soft pussy fuzz.                          
The worm in the middle                                      
Won't allow you to piddle,                                  
And it won't be as hard as it was.                          
                                                            
22519 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        John Miller              



Once planted you won't get much ass                         
And your pecker, though swelled up with gas,                
I doubt will intrude                                        
Even though it protrude                                     
'Cause its color will be that of grass.                     
                                                            
22520 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        John Miller              



My wife's cousin's father's last goal                       
Was burial at sea, we were tol'.                            
He died,  Pat and Mick                                      
Took shovel and pick,                                       
And try yet to dig there a hole.                            
                                                            
22521 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



Those salts, Pat and Mick, were sure brave                  
To dig in the sea a fine grave,                             
In order to lay                                             
That sailor that day,                                       
Then say their 'good-byes' with a wave.                     
                                                            
22522 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Travis Brasell           



I've a horrible feeling I'm dead;                           
It is due to something I said.                              
I joked I'd be off in                                       
A gold plated coffin                                        
But from inside, it could just be lead.                     
                                                            
22523 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES                                 



The worst thing about it is this                            
I'm losing my air with a hiss.                              
On my back, what a plight                                   
And there's no fucking light.                               
What the hell will I do for a piss ?                        
                                                            
22524 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES                                 



Oh God, there's much much worse to it                       
As I feel my internals commit.                              
My true epitaph                                             
Will state, while they laugh,                               
"He was buried before his last shit"                        
                                                            
22525 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES                                 



The "Bumper Fun" funeral servish,                           
Now won't you come in, don't be nervish.                    
When you're time is done,                                   
Go out with real fun,                                       
Whether gay, lesbo, straight or just pervish.               
                                                            
22526 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



We have a pink polka-dot hearse,                            
With a driver who'll swear and he'll curse.                 
You can test drive a coffin,                                
Big enough to boff in,                                      
We'll supply you a buxom nude nurse.                        
                                                            
22527 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



Then off to the graveyard we'll go,                         
Topless dancers leading the pro-                            
cession, then here,                                         
We'll all drink some beer,                                  
With the coffin, the empties will go.                       
                                                            
22528 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



And no-one will shed any tears,                             
We'll all stand and offer three cheers.                     
Your partner's now free                                     
To go on a spree,                                           
They've not been so happy for years.                        
                                                            
22529 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



By the locals, It's rarely admitted,                        
But once a foul crime was committed,                        
When a man with a knife                                     
Took a young lady's life,                                   
In a lane near the town of Combe Bisset.                    
                                                            
22530 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



The damsel who died was named Maeve,                        
And she lies in a poor unmarked grave.                      
And the legend I hear                                       
Says on March 3 each year,                                  
Comes the ghost of the killer, a slave...                   
                                                            
22531 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



...To the guilt of that terrible blight.                    
And one year on just this grim night,                       
To the pub came a stranger,                                 
Who said he'd arrange a                                     
Bet that he'd stay without fright...                        
                                                            
22532 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



In that graveyard until break of day.                       
All the men tried his will to gainsay.                      
But the stanger, the fool,                                  
In his long coat of wool,                                   
Was determined that he'd have his way.                      
                                                            
22533 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



He insisted that he'd have no fright,                       
Though they argued with all of their might.                 
So a strange knife they gave                                
Him, in order to stave                                      
Off that ghost that would come in the night.                
                                                            
22534 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



In the graveyard he soon squatted down,                     
And drove the knife into the ground,                        
Very close by his side                                      
And there he did hide,                                      
'Til he heard some peculiar sound.                          
                                                            
22535 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



That cry -- was it only an owl,                             
Or something unspeakably foul?                              
And that scrabbling he heard --                             
Just a rat or a bird?                                       
And something now started to howl.                          
                                                            
22536 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



He cannot take more of that sound.                          
He tries to rise up from the ground.                        
But he finds he's stuck fast...                             
Through his fright, breathes his last...                    
In the morning the body is found.                           
                                                            
22537 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



When that knife he plunged into the grass,                  
Through his thick woolen coat it had passed.                
It was this held him tight                                  
And prevented his flight...                                 
In his terror his heart beat its last.                      
                                                            
22538 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



The location given -- Combe Bisset --                       
May well be the right place, but is it?                     
And the date may be wrong,                                  
So you'd better be strong,                                  
When your local graveyard you visit.                        
                                                            
22539 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



As usual, this tale's from tradition.                       
I don't know if it's fact or fiction.                       
But when old Bill stated                                    
The facts, as related,                                      
'Twas said with the greatest conviction.                    
                                                            
22540 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



Young Snip is a woodworking boffin;                         
If you ask nice, she'll make you a coffin,                  
Made of oak, beech, or pine.                                
She said she'd make mine                                    
And no bill, she's chargin me noffin!                       
                                                            
22541 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Tickettyboo              



I'm making myself one of oak,                               
For the day when I finally croak,                           
With a special compartment,                                 
A boozy department                                          
Filled up with Jack Daniels and coke.                       
                                                            
22542 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Parsnip                  



When they buried a lecher in Boston,                        
His thing sprung the lid of his coffin.                     
The priest ran about,                                       
Then started to shout,                                      
"Holy Cow! You don't see that very often!"                  
                                                            
22543 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



The coffin lid never was closed.                            
The cause of the stiff not disclosed.                       
I know, for a fact,                                         
At times he did act                                         
In skin flicks - for porno he posed.                        
                                                            
22544 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



His widow bent over to see,                                 
Then she shouted out loud with glee,                        
"He'll be schtupping forever                                
But never, not ever                                         
Again will he be schtupping ME!"                            
                                                            
22545 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



"I'm shunned since that funeral," said Dave.                
So here's the advice that I gave:                           
I saw you caught short,                                     
While burying Mort,                                         
But you shouldn't have pissed in the grave.                 
                                                            
22546 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES                                 



"Advice like yours is good for curin'                       
What ails me," said Dave, while endurin'                    
The shame of it all.                                        
"But 'bout poor Mort's pall,                                
Don't judge my grave pissin' til urine."                    
                                                            
22547 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES                                 



Bemused, I gaze at the crystal ball,                        
To the time you'd ultimately fall,                          
You've done no service, yeoman,                             
And can't call yourself human,                              
Yet a divine angel bears your pall.                         
                                                            
22548 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES                                 



But when you reach the cemetery,                            
Angel sees your moral penury,                               
Then stung as if by an asp,                                 
The coffin slips from her grasp,                            
For Satan rules you peremptory.                             
                                                            
22549 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES                                 



Whether worms are a bane or a treasure?                     
Have you tried to use tape worms to measure?                
There are flat worms and long ones;                         
There are hook worms and Darwins.                           
Which the lizard will eat at his leisure.                   
                                                            
22550 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Bob Watson               



The Diet of Worms makes him fatter,                         
But his fate nonetheless is much sadder.                    
From his eyes, blood can shoot,                             
From his tail he can scoot.                                 
But still he's devoured by the adder.                       
                                                            
22551 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Bob Watson               



The snake being threatened at times,                        
Coils tightly and quickly unwinds.                          
But the fangs and the hiss                                  
Can't stifle the bliss                                      
Of the swine who delights as he dines.                      
                                                            
22552 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Bob Watson               



The sow in the muck and the mire,                           
While we are kindling the fire.                             
For soon we'll be makin'                                    
Ham, sausage and bacon,                                     
For sating the human desire.                                
                                                            
22553 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Bob Watson               



Having supped on the beast and some bread,                  
He complacently moves off to bed.                           
'Til the reaper comes forth,                                
Or disease from the North,                                  
And the worm turns; it's time he was fed.                   
                                                            
22554 DEATH - GRAVES - SERIES        Bob Watson               



A philosophy student name Fred,                             
Wrote a thesis and here's what it said:                     
"We will never grow old,                                    
For we'll starve in the cold,                               
And in darkness we'll all soon be dead."                    
                                                            
22555 DEATH - IMPENDING              Bob Birch           P0105



I'm sorry to hear you're so ill.                            
I know this is painful, but still,                          
You won't be down long.                                     
In case I am wrong,                                         
Please tell me if I'm in your will?                         
                                                            
22556 DEATH - IMPENDING              Jim Weaver Collection    



The death notice ads I forbear --                           
They fill me with grief and despair.                        
I avoid them completely,                                    
Turning pages discreetly,                                   
For fear that I'll find my name there.                      
                                                            
22557 DEATH - IMPENDING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2965



The Doc who examined old Fred,                              
Sadly shook his head as he said,                            
"I could give you some pills,                               
But with all of your ills,                                  
I think you'd be better off dead.                           
                                                            
22558 DEATH - IMPENDING              Florida Man              



"Why six feet down, not five?" asked Clive.                 
"Supposing you are still alive.                             
And break the latch,                                        
And upward scratch.                                         
You can't at six.  You might at five."                      
                                                            
22559 DEATH - IMPENDING              Irving Superior     P8110



There once was a man named Phil,                            
Who decided that he'd pay the bill.                         
He thought it would be nice,                                
When he looked at the price,                                
He suddenly became fatally ill.                             
                                                            
22560 DEATH - IMPENDING                                       



There was an eccentric old boffin,                          
Who remarked, in a fine fit of coughing:                    
It isn't the cough                                          
That carries you off,                                       
But the coffin they carries you off in.                     
                                                            
22561 DEATH - IMPENDING              Anon                     



A thrifty old Scot was McSligh;                             
He said, "Though it's time that I die,                      
Since with illness I grieve,                                
Yet I can't take my leave                                   
On account of the cost, which is high."                     
                                                            
22562 DEATH - IMPENDING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2683



When ready for bed, Mrs Glover,                             
Did note as she pulled back the cover,                      
That her man, slipping fast,                                
Was expiring at last,                                       
So she made a quick date with her lover.                    
                                                            
22563 DEATH - IMPENDING              Albin Chaplin   3024-0171



The calendars by Jacob Mumford,                             
Inspired by wild dreams as he slumbered,                    
Came to an abrupt halt.                                     
It was not Jacob's fault.                                   
It was merely that Jake's days were numbered.               
                                                            
22564 DEATH - IMPENDING              Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



As slowly sank the Titanic,                                 
Some gentlemen showing no panic--                           
Afraid not to die--                                         
Unloosen their tie                                          
To swallow more quick the Atlantic.                         
                                                            
22565 DEATH - IMPENDING              Irving Superior     P9401



An elderly person from Ealing,                              
Went in search of a doctor for healing.                     
To the doctor he said,                                      
"I'll be fine when I'm dead;                                
It's the dying I don't find appealing."                     
                                                            
22566 DEATH - IMPENDING              Richard Long             



Eat, drink, smoke, fuck, make no fuss;                      
Follow your heart, follow your lust.                        
Live and deny                                               
The things "they" decry.                                    
You'll wish for it when hit by "The Bus!"                   
                                                            
22567 DEATH - IMPENDING              Karen                    



There was an old cynic who said,                            
"Though I don't despise colds in the head,                  
I get no real thrill                                        
Till I'm dangerously ill,                                   
With friends eating grapes round my bed."                   
                                                            
22568 DEATH - IMPENDING              Allen M. Laing           



When my time is over at last,                               
I don't care what you say of my past;                       
Say I drank too much                                        
Beer and whiskey and such,                                  
And drove my motorcycle too fast.                           
                                                            
22569 DEATH - IMPENDING              Kaylin                   



You can say that I'd take any dare --                       
Any time, any way, any where --                             
Say I was crazy                                             
Or that I was lazy;                                         
Say whatever you please -- I don't care.                    
                                                            
22570 DEATH - IMPENDING              Kaylin                   



When my life is finished and o'er,                          
Don't care if you call me a whore.                          
Say I was easy,                                             
Call me cheap and sleazy --                                 
Just don't say that I was a bore!                           
                                                            
22571 DEATH - IMPENDING              Kaylin                   



When old Tiddy Ogg meets his end,                           
There's no chance that he will ascend.                      
No, the pit down below                                      
Is the place he will go,                                    
And he'll meet up with all his old friends.                 
                                                            
22572 DEATH - IMPENDING              Tiddy Ogg                



When I've met my demise, if you please,                     
Scatter my ashes on the breeze.                             
I'll continue to travel                                     
After my life's unraveled,                                  
Given my last earthly squeeze.                              
                                                            
22573 DEATH - IMPENDING              Arden                    



Throw my ash out there with Arden;                          
Scatter me over the garden.                                 
I've so much enjoyed                                        
And if when deployed                                        
The wind changes, I beg your pardon.                        
                                                            
22574 DEATH - IMPENDING              Karen                    



We can ponder: from where did we come?                      
(Far beyond that we sprang from our Mum.)                   
But no matter the way                                       
That we got here today,                                     
It's a fact: in the end, we succumb.                        
                                                            
22575 DEATH - IMPENDING              Cap'n Bean          P0306



Italian Jokes of renown                                     
Make Tony come back with a frown.                           
"I've a riddle for you:                                     
What's black and blue,                                      
And is usually found floating face-down?"                   
                                                            
22576 DEATH - IMPENDING              John Miller 0078         



To the hospital went playboy Mose;                          
His rich father was in his last throes.                     
Cried the son, "What to do?"                                
Said his dad, turning blue,                                 
"Take your foot off the oxygen hose!"                       
                                                            
22577 DEATH - IMPENDING              Albin Chaplin            



"My love is both ardent and true.                           
I'll die if you don't love me too."                         
My fervent proposal                                         
Met instant disposal.                                       
"Go ahead. I don't care if you do."                         
                                                            
22578 DEATH - IMPENDING              Laurence Perrine    P9307



A young man said: "I must confide,                          
That I have a great book inside.                            
For a work by Jane Austen                                   
Is currently lost in                                        
My lower intestine."  He died.                              
                                                            
22579 DEATH - IMPENDING              Richard Long             



When I look at my face in the mirror                        
And my wife speaks and I cannot hear her.                   
I think my youth's gone                                     
Like some dying swan.                                       
The grim reaper, methinks, is now nearer.                   
                                                            
22580 DEATH - IMPENDING              Al Willis           P9607



Confused was the young Innsmouth feller,                    
About the youth of the average town dweller.                
He wondered a lot                                           
Where the old folks had got.                                
Now he knows and he hides in the cellar.                    
                                                            
22581 DEATH - IMPENDING              Arthur Levesque          



What a wonderful, up-beat new spin                          
On the people who tuck us all in.                           
A refreshing new breath                                     
In the business of Death,                                   
Where all us investors can win.                             
(investing in Death is looking up - Abraham Karp)           
22582 DEATH - IMPENDING              John Miller              



It will never cease to astound                              
How things in this world get turned 'round.                 
Now the end of all pain                                     
Makes great capital gain,                                   
When your assets get put in the ground.                     
                                                            
22583 DEATH - IMPENDING              John Miller              



Some think the millennium will bring                        
A triumphal return of the King.     (Elvis?)                
Would the Y2K bug                                           
Perhaps pull the plug,                                      
When the dead do their uprising thing?                      
                                                            
22584 DEATH - IMPENDING              John Miller              



Said Powell, "Don't call me insane.                         
My policy's perfectly plain                                 
And not at all similar                                      
To that of Herr Himmler --                                  
My final solution's humane.                                 
(what's the background for this one? - McW)                 
22585 DEATH - IMPENDING              Roger Woddis             



Our armies -- It's easy to fill 'em,                        
If you have the right message to thrill 'em.                
See many new faces;                                         
See many new places;                                        
Meet a lot of new people and kill 'em.                      
                                                            
22586 DEATH - IMPENDING                                       



A guy with a lisp named O'Keefe                             
Had heart trouble; He ate too much beef.                    
He was worth forty mill,                                    
Which he wrote in his will:                                 
"I bequeaf to my nephew and neef."                          
                                                            
22587 DEATH - IMPENDING              Kristen Coughlin    T9711



Have you heard about lithpy O'Keefe,                        
And hith overindulgence in beef.                            
But his dentitht foretold,                                  
In a manner quithe bold,                                    
He juth needed a new thet of teef!                          
                                                            
22588 DEATH - IMPENDING              Rick Limmer         T9711



But a twith in thith thaga continueth,                      
When mortithians inthpecthed hith thinewth,                 
He had roth in his gumth,                                   
From dwinking with bumth,                                   
In leth than motht well-tho-do venueth.                     
                                                            
22589 DEATH - IMPENDING              Rick Limmer         T9711



Twath on one of the dwinking adventhureth,                  
(Confirmed by some hear-say conjectures)                    
Thath he thlipped on thum grath                             
And fell on his ath,                                        
And choked on hith ol'-fathioned denthures!                 
                                                            
22590 DEATH - IMPENDING              Rick Limmer         T9711



A terminal patient named Frye                               
Was told by the doctor, he'd die.                           
The doc said, "I'll give                                    
You two months to live."                                    
Said Frye, "I'll take March and July!"                      
                                                            
22591 DEATH - IMPENDING              Observer           TP9901



Verbal communication is awful;                              
Too many to often will waffle.                              
Frustrations then mount                                     
And thus we account                                         
For the wish that a murder was lawful.                      
                                                            
22592 DEATH - IMPENDING              H. E. Hoelscher     P9012



The rain forest is doomed to destruction,                   
And wet lands filled in for construction.                   
The world's end, I'll not bet on,                           
A big Armageddon,                                           
But disease from sewage pipes obstruction.                  
                                                            
22593 DEATH - IMPENDING              Bob Birch                



He thought he was dead and agreed                           
To let a good shrink intercede.                             
The Doc cut his vein,                                       
And he felt no pain.                                        
He said, "Gosh, I'm not dead, 'cause I bleed!"              
                                                            
22594 DEATH - IMPENDING              Jim Weaver Collection    



A heroic, much-decorated colonel                            
Has departed for regions infernal.                          
What he did is a mystery,                                   
Except in the history                                       
Pages of the Infantry Journal.                              
                                                            
22595 DEATH - IMPENDING              Ed C. Wolfert       P8201



A dying old harlot of Butte                                 
Had logic one cannot refute.                                
When a man offered five,                                    
The old whore came alive                                    
And she said, "I'm not prone to dispute."                   
                                                            
22596 DEATH - IMPENDING              Albin Chaplin   3024-1465



His elan fades, shrouded in smog,                           
And then suddenly through the dense fog,                    
As his spirit took flight                                   
In the tunnel's white light,                                
Framed in aura, there was a Sandhog.                        
                                                            
22597 DEATH - IMPENDING              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9803



A boastful young fellow of Neath                            
Once hung from the roof by his teeth;                       
A very large crowd                                          
First cheered him quite loud                                
Then passed 'round the hat for a wreath.                    
                                                            
22598 DEATH - IMPENDING              Frank Richards      P0211



On her deathbed, a nympho named Nash,                       
Said, "I've always been free with my gash.                  
So cremate, then sift                                       
What remains as a gift                                      
To provide guys with a last piece of ash.                   
                                                            
22599 DEATH - IMPENDING                                       



Both of my grandpas died young;                             
The song of long life has been sung                         
By grandmother's side.                                      
Life's ladder I stride,                                     
And still have not reached the last rung.                   
                                                            
22600 DEATH - IMPENDING              Frank                    



He's bluffing; he must be, I figure;                        
Although I can see he's much bigger.                        
He's Alice's dad                                            
So he can't be too bad...                                   
Ohmygod!  Now he's squeezing the trigger!                   
                                                            
22601 DEATH - IMPENDING              Peter Wilkins            



There was a French bard who said, "Hell                     
This life's a perpetual farewell.                           
The new-born's first sigh,                                  
Is a sort of goodbye,                                       
And Death's always ringing the bell."                       
                                                            
22602 DEATH - IMPENDING              Towanbucket              



A sailor on duty got frantic                                
When he fell in the briny Atlantic.                         
After hours in the sea                                      
He was saved, yes-sir-ee,                                   
And was hoisted aboard the Titanic.                         
                                                            
22603 DEATH - IMPENDING              Ann Gasser          P8706



"Doc I'm worried - a short life I fear!"                    
"Well don't fret, just give up smokes and beer,             
And stop sex with your wife."                               
"Will that lengthen my life?"                               
"Well it will make days seem like years."                   
                                                            
22604 DEATH - IMPENDING                                       



There once was a man named Lloyd,                           
Whose lifestyle was one to avoid.                           
He married and married,                                     
His wives he then buried.                                   
Soon after, then next he enjoyed.                           
                                                            
22605 DEATH - IMPENDING              Jim Weaver Collection    



Could anything be much absurder?                            
She was charged with intention to murder.                   
For she had told Bill                                       
He was dressed to kill,                                     
And some silly fool overheard her.                          
                                                            
22606 DEATH - IMPENDING              Laurence Perrine    P8903



A poverty worker named West                                 
Cleared pockets of social unrest.                           
His methods ensured                                         
A most permanent cure;                                      
He remarked that a shotgun worked best.                     
                                                            
22607 DEATH - IMPENDING              Albin Chaplin            



I once knew a sailor named Jim --                           
I wonder what happened to him.                              
He set sail one day;                                        
A storm on the way;                                         
His odds of survival were slim.                             
                                                            
22608 DEATH - IMPENDING              Monique de Plume         



There once was a sailor named Dave                          
Who was standing beside a friend's grave.                   
"How would you wish to die?"                                
He was asked.  His reply:                                   
"Be sucked under the dock by a wave."                       
                                                            
22609 DEATH - IMPENDING              Don Moore           P9103



Now that I have become an adult                             
I've joined up with a suicide cult.                         
Being on the right track,                                   
We know when we come back,                                  
This will not be a wor1d in tumult.                         
                                                            
22610 DEATH - IMPENDING              Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



A very sick man from Bled                                   
Arose every dawn from his bed.                              
He worked twelve hours a day                                
Without food, without pay.                                  
Surprise! Surprise! -- he's dead!                           
                                                            
22611 DEATH - IMPENDING              Spike Milligan           



There were Philadelphians nine                              
Trapped three days in a dark flooded mine.                  
But the death toll was nil,                                 
'Cause of rescuers skill.                                   
Philadelphians nine emerged fine!                           
                                                            
22612 DEATH - IMPENDING              Anon                     



A girl soon to cash in life's chips,                        
Was taking many men 'tween her lips.                        
She stated, "I'm dying,                                     
And am everything trying.                                   
Did anyone think to bring whips?"                           
                                                            
22613 DEATH - IMPENDING              Straydog                 



There was a young fellow named Clive                        
Who said, "I will stubbornly strive                         
To screw every night                                        
From dark to dawn's light --                                
For the two weeks that I'll stay alive."                    
                                                            
22614 DEATH - IMPENDING              Isaac Asimov             



When I die, I just hope my main squeeze                     
Stores my body in very deep freeze.                         
Then when I thaw out,                                       
The nurses will shout,                                      
And it'll astound the MD's.                                 
                                                            
22615 DEATH - IMPENDING              Al Willis                



Ah, sweet Death, the calm prospect sublime,                 
Ends all evil, dissension, and crime.                       
But if you are not sentient,                                
Although you've the penchant,                               
Why will you give a damn at the time?                       
                                                            
22616 DEATH - IMPENDING              Ward Hardman             



I don't wish to cause one to shout,                         
Or give one a reason to pout,                               
But I feel I should say,                                    
The Kevorkian way,                                          
Seems to me, to be coward's way out.                        
                                                            
22617 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Rose                     



Pediatrics: your role is a storky 'un.                      
Psychiatrics: you deal with the corky 'un.                  
Geriatrics: to rob                                          
From the grave is your job.                                 
Euthanasics: you name is Kevorkian.                         
                                                            
22618 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Prof M-G                 



I refuse to believe I'm passe,                              
I'll just keep on plugging away.                            
Kevorkian?  NO!                                             
I'll just go with the flow                                  
And just let the good lord have his way.                    
                                                            
22619 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Rose                     



There once was a doc who was willing                        
To assist in a merciful killing.                            
Though it was all quite discreet,                           
He'd gotten cold feet                                       
When it came time to handle the billing.                    
                                                            
22620 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Edwin J Weinstein        



Like babies we start to become,                             
With the years a bit crueler to some!                       
No diaper for me;                                           
I've made plans, you see.                                   
The Kevorkian song I will hum!                              
                                                            
22621 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Maggie                   



Now that may sound drastic, it's true,                      
But let me explain it to you!                               
When I hum that tune,                                       
It won't be too soon.                                       
I plan to stay dry, like you do.                            
                                                            
22622 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Maggie                   



Dear Rose, I must tell you that I,                          
Am a nurse and I really do try                              
To keep up the chin                                         
And help aged win.                                          
Believe me, I don't want to die!                            
                                                            
22623 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Maggie                   



I work in "The Home" and I see                              
What just might happen to me.                               
Alzheimers so sad,                                          
It makes families mad!                                      
We're fortunate gals, you and me!                           
                                                            
22624 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Maggie                   



We all do not age the same way;                             
Some at 100 will play!                                      
If you came with me                                         
Then you would see                                          
Quality of life may not stay!                               
                                                            
22625 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Maggie                   



Dignity and pride I must keep.                              
And never cause offspring to weep.                          
A burden?  Not me!                                          
My choice it will be!                                       
A peaceful and beautiful sleep.                             
                                                            
22626 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Maggie                   



So please don't think poorly of me.                         
And I'll not judge or chastise thee.                        
One day at a time                                           
An hope every rhyme,                                        
Lighter than this it might be!                              
                                                            
22627 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Maggie                   



This year, our boy Jack can lay claim                       
To a certain, well...undying fame.                          
This guy, I say here                                        
Should be Man of the Year                                   
(Though most people misspell his name).                     
                                                            
22628 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              John Miller              



Kevorkian should be treated as hero,                        
Instead of being less than zero.                            
Offering death's dignity                                    
To both you and me,                                         
I say, give him one big cheer-o!                            
                                                            
22629 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              John Miller              



Does Jack Kevorkian faze ya?                                
His machinations amaze ya?                                  
He's going to jail,                                         
So that'll curtail                                          
His injecting youth in Asia.                                
                                                            
22630 DEATH - KEVORKIAN                                       



For all of the hell he has raised,                          
He's been vilified and been praised.                        
What ever you think                                         
He's off to the clink                                       
And does not appear to be fazed.                            
                                                            
22631 DEATH - KEVORKIAN                                       



My doctor said to take PhenFen.                             
You know you can never be too thin.                         
But I am suspicious.                                        
It might be malicious.                                      
My doctor's name is Kevorkian.                              
                                                            
22632 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Les Stewart              



The author's official position                              
Is not in the field of nutrition.                           
It wasn't his "dish"                                        
When at Ann Arbor, Mich.,                                   
He became a postmortem physician.                           
                                                            
22633 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Jack Kevorkian           



A life of profane deglutition                               
Can end in a real grave condition:                          
How the masses consumed                                     
Can be fitly entombed,                                      
Will weigh heavy upon the mortician.                        
                                                            
22634 DEATH - KEVORKIAN              Jack Kevorkian           



There once was a fellow named Bartz                         
Whose body was chopped into parts;                          
They were strewn all about                                  
By a villainous lout,                                       
And used as a target for darts.                             
                                                            
22635 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0311



That murderous cad, Uncle Andrew,                           
Achieved even more than he'd planned to:                    
His bomb killed some dozens                                 
Of peevish young cousins,                                   
And picked off a visiting aunt, too.                        
                                                            
22636 DEATH - MURDER                 Paul M Hoffman           



I thought mysteries'd be a nice change,                     
But my mind they began to derange.                          
The corpse was my boss;                                     
'Twas not a great loss,                                     
Till people looked at me strange.                           
                                                            
22637 DEATH - MURDER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Phil                          
Who got buried alive on a hill;                             
The killer confessed:                                       
He was feeling possessed,                                   
And he'd murdered him just for the thrill.                  
                                                            
22638 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0311



It's all over todays newspaper;                             
Joy's gone, they suspect a mad raper!                       
Last seen in a car                                          
By a lake not far,                                          
And petting. It is a strange caper!                         
                                                            
22639 DEATH - MURDER                 Archie about Joy Clare   



Her folks suffered more than a year                         
And it wrecked Gary Condit's career;                        
If D.C.'s inept                                             
Cops had just stepped                                       
Off the path, all that waste disappears.                    
                                                            
22640 DEATH - MURDER                 Dr Limerick  05-22-02    



A baker who gambled, named Joe,                             
Had a difficult time with cash flow--                       
Couldn't pay for his losses,                                
Was killed by crime bosses--                                
His problem was raising the dough.                          
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
22641 DEATH - MURDER                 Mary A. Brooks      P9108



The chef of an old Spanish galleon                          
Cooked a stew made with meat from a stallion.               
The crew hung the poor Spaniard                             
By the neck from the lanyard,                               
For adding way too much chopped scallion.                   
                                                            
22642 DEATH - MURDER                                          



Of a love-contest, now just archival,                       
I fear there will be no revival.                            
Two guys wrestled and choked                                
Till the upper one croaked--                                
And was then declared dead on a rival.                      
                                                            
22643 DEATH - MURDER                 Norm Storer         P9206



There once was a young boy named Nate,                      
Who was daringly trying to skate.                           
When his sister said "Boo!'                                 
Putting Nate in a stew,                                     
So his sister he'll defenestrate.                           
                                                            
22644 DEATH - MURDER                 Anon                     



A frugal pet owner named Matt,                              
Fed SPAM do his dog and his cat.                            
He turned up next day                                       
With his head ripped away,                                  
And inserted in where he once sat.                          
                                                            
22645 DEATH - MURDER                 Bob Roberds              



Fantastically gorgeous Sue Vector,                          
A peerless Production Director,                             
Worked her design magic                                     
Until her end tragic                                        
At the hands of a drug debt collector.                      
                                                            
22646 DEATH - MURDER                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



A couple named Andy and Claire                              
Were murdered when caught unaware;                          
The deaths of the twosome                                   
Were horribly gruesome                                      
And ended their sorid affair.                               
                                                            
22647 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0205



There was an old person who knew                            
What decorum decreed he should do.                          
But did something quite other                               
And murdered his Mother,                                    
As fancy directed him to.                                   
                                                            
22648 DEATH - MURDER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The gangster had feelings insidious;                        
His moll had to him been PERFIDIOUS.                        
One day he did spy                                          
The girl with the guy.                                      
He offed them in manner fastidious.                         
                                                            
22649 DEATH - MURDER                 Elois                    



A pretty young lady called Splatt                           
Was mistaken one day for a cat,                             
By a man called Van Damm,                                   
Who made pets into jam --                                   
And now she's spread out rather flat.                       
                                                            
22650 DEATH - MURDER                 Michael Palin            



An adventurer went east -- and went west.                   
He was boxed with a cross on his chest.                     
He had packed all his arms,                                 
And all his lucky charms;                                   
All he missed was his bullet-proof vest.                    
                                                            
22651 DEATH - MURDER                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A freak at the circus named Brown,                          
While wearing the fat lady's gown,                          
Tried to force some strange sex                             
On the girl with two necks,                                 
And was strangled to death by the clown.                    
                                                            
22652 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0108



There once was a woman named White,                         
Who died in a violent fright,                               
While shaking and thrashing,                                
And sobbing and gnashing,                                   
And screaming with all of her might.                        
                                                            
22653 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0007



"Good luck," said the tutor of Hassin,                      
The on-the-job training assassin,                           
"You'll get your B.A.                                       
As soon as you slay                                         
The next he or she who is passin'."                         
                                                            
22654 DEATH - MURDER                 Irving Superior     P8407



Papa's darling, concealing her crime,                       
Hid his corpse in a barrel of brine.                        
To the jury she pled,                                       
"The old drunkard's not dead.                               
He's just pickled now, ALL of the time."                    
                                                            
22655 DEATH - MURDER                 Steve Wickersham         



A woman who called herself Dar                              
Was killed in a manner bizarre;                             
She was forcibly snatched,                                  
And her head was detached,                                  
And was pickled inside of a jar.                            
                                                            
22656 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0109



They have a free press in Iran,                             
Where books are not subject to ban.                         
When they don't like a work,                                
They hunt up the jerk                                       
Who wrote it and murder the man.                            
                                                            
22657 DEATH - MURDER                 A. N. Wilkins       P8903



"I do not," said the murderous Budd,                        
"Have a penchant for violence and blood.                    
I merely pushed Jane                                        
In the path of the train,                                   
In order to hear the ka-thud!"                              
                                                            
22658 DEATH - MURDER                 Henry Fitzgerald         



If you only kill one, you're a zero,                        
A murderer baser than Nero;                                 
But if in a war,                                            
You kill eighty score,                                      
By God! You're a national hero.                             
                                                            
22659 DEATH - MURDER                 Laurence Perrine    P8903



The corpse in a pool of its gore                            
Was fond on the billiard room floor;                        
But how it got there                                        
And who, why, and where,                                    
Must wait until page 304.                                   
                                                            
22660 DEATH - MURDER                 Laurence Perrine    P8903



'Neath these clods lies a Limerick fan                      
Who refused to write lines that would scan;                 
He was murdered, they say,                                  
In a most gruesome way:                                     
Thirteen footprints were found on his can.                  
                                                            
22661 DEATH - MURDER                 Robin K. Willoughby P9404



Little Willie laid Jill on the track,                       
Then the train came along and went SMACK!                   
Since I was the next                                        
That Jill would have sexed,                                 
You can see I was taken aback.                              
                                                            
22662 DEATH - MURDER                                          



There was a young man named Alexis                          
Who did it with folks of both sexes.                        
But the wrong ass he pinched                                
And poor Alex was lynched,                                  
'Cause they don't like that shit down in Texas.             
                                                            
22663 DEATH - MURDER                 Karen B                  



When he got a hot tip from a pro,                           
He arranged for some Mafia dough.                           
But he lost at the track --                                 
Couldn't pay the juice back --                              
Now he lies with a tag on his toe.                          
                                                            
22664 DEATH - MURDER                 Peter Wilkins       P9806



A newly wed woman of Florence,                              
She wept for a reason that warrants                         
Depression and gloom,                                       
For they murdered her groom;                                
Her tears were cascading in torrents.                       
                                                            
22665 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0010



In the heinous and cold-blooded slaughter                   
Of the Reverend's twelve-year old daughter,                 
They convicted Jerome,                                      
Who claimed he was home,                                    
But his alibi didn't hold water.                            
                                                            
22666 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0209



A young noisyphrenic, quite terse,                          
Used to shout, from his car, every curse.                   
One day he yelled "Fag"                                     
At an armed cop in drag --                                  
That noisyphrenic is now in a hearse!                       
                                                            
22667 DEATH - MURDER                 Sam Shaffe          P8708



In this century all can attest                              
That mankind did his murderous best.                        
Let there be not a doubt,                                   
It's the age of the lout                                    
When a killer is only a pest.                               
                                                            
22668 DEATH - MURDER                 Warrick Elrod            



The partitioning of Vladimir Scowles                        
Was sickening: they came on his bowels                      
In a firkin; his brain                                      
Was found clogging a drain,                                 
And his toes were inside of some towels.                    
                                                            
22669 DEATH - MURDER                 Edward Gorey             



I know of a girl named Donner,                              
Whose sister often picked on her.                           
But she got the last laugh                                  
With a piranah in the bath,                                 
And her sister now is a goner.                              
                                                            
22670 DEATH - MURDER                 P Copeman                



In a nursing home run by Pol Pot,                           
Hyperactive residents got shot.                             
But naughtly old Fred                                       
Wouldn't stay in his bed;                                   
Poisoned mush, for dinner, he got.                          
                                                            
22671 DEATH - MURDER                 Anon                     



A beer-loving fellow named Mort,                            
His life was suddenly cut short,                            
When his wife fed him steak,                                
With a section of cake,                                     
And a poisonous bottle of port.                             
                                                            
22672 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0202



Said a gleeful young man from Torquay,                      
"This is rather a red-letter day.                           
I've poisoned with sherbert                                 
My rich Uncle Herbert,                                      
Whose health never seemed to decay."                        
                                                            
22673 DEATH - MURDER                                          



A psycho professor named Derrish                            
Once authored a text that he cherished.                     
When the book was turned down,                              
He traveled downtown,                                       
And oh, did his publisher perish!                           
                                                            
22674 DEATH - MURDER                 Keith Gilman        P0108



There was a young man from Dunbar,                          
Who playfully pickled his ma.                               
When he finished his work,                                  
He remarked with a smirk,                                   
"This will make quite a family jar."                        
                                                            
22675 DEATH - MURDER                                          



At No. 10 Mornington Cresent                                
They found something very unpleasant;                       
For blocking the drains                                     
Were the rotting remains                                    
Of the jeans of a dim adolescent.                           
                                                            
22676 DEATH - MURDER                 John Dole           P9604



A young man who came from Manila,                           
Turned into a highly paid killer.                           
His victims, sad to say,                                    
All finished in one way,                                    
In foundations to act as a filler!                          
                                                            
22677 DEATH - MURDER                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A young naval captain was steamin' --                       
Hot mad over a fight.  Like a demon                         
He got all hell bent,                                       
And off half-cocked he went                                 
On the sub, as he shot all his seamen!                      
                                                            
22678 DEATH - MURDER                                          



A kinky old farmer named Flannery                           
Stripped hides off farm lads in his granary.                
They'd have died if they'd learned                          
How much money he earned,                                   
By selling their pelts to a tannery.                        
                                                            
22679 DEATH - MURDER                 Armand E Singer       943



"It's the damnest thing I've ever seen."                    
Said the wily Detective McQueen!                            
"I had thought for a time                                   
She had taken strychnine,                                   
Being British, though, she took strychnine."                
                                                            
22680 DEATH - MURDER                 L C Fitzhugh        P0111



There was a strange fellow named Ted,                       
Who bashed young girls over the head.                       
They fried sicko Bundy                                      
The day after Monday,                                       
And folks rejoiced that he was dead.                        
                                                            
22681 DEATH - MURDER                 Alexander Baron          



A young woman settled near Yuma,                            
Infested that place in a bloomer.                           
But persons of taste                                        
Were not slow to make haste                                 
To conduct her aside and entomb her.                        
                                                            
22682 DEATH - MURDER                 Newton Mackintosh   P8803



A famous old Hollywood actor                                
Said he'd be my true benefactor.                            
But, he'd only slouch                                       
On his casting couch.                                       
He's mashed up in my trash compactor.                       
                                                            
22683 DEATH - MURDER                                          



A youngster named Roosevelt Wayne,                          
On his way to the school, in the rain;                      
With a rope made of jute,                                   
He was killed by a brute,                                   
Who was known to be highly insane.                          
                                                            
22684 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0401



A fellow whose name had been Max,                           
Was murdered one night with an axe,                         
By a crazy named Fred,                                      
Who severed the head,                                       
Using only a couple of whacks.                              
                                                            
22685 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0310



An incautious young woman named Venn                        
Was seen with the wrong sort of men.                        
She vanished one day,                                       
But the following May                                       
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.                         
(fen - low peaty watery land)                               
22686 DEATH - MURDER                 Edward Gorey             



A curse to his parents was William;                         
With rancor and hatred he filled 'em.                       
"Who asked to be born?"                                     
He'd sneer and with scorn,                                  
"Who asked to be born?" so they killed him.                 
                                                            
22687 DEATH - MURDER                 Irving Superior     P8903



A vicious young psycho named Slater                         
Just did in his mater and pater,                            
And remarked with a grin,                                   
Wiping drool from his chin,                                 
"I'll come back for sis a mite later."                      
                                                            
22688 DEATH - MURDER                 Armand E Singer       350



The family known as the Burns                               
Had the fate for which nobody yearns;                       
They were savagely killed                                   
And their bodies were grilled,                              
Now their ashes are resting in urns.                        
                                                            
22689 DEATH - MURDER                 Cap'n Bean          P0302



I've sent my regrets to Nepal,                              
The Royal Clan's dead, nearly all.                          
The Prince's dear mother                                    
Said, "Marry another!"                                      
She's now Holy Cow in a stall.                              
                                                            
22690 DEATH - MURDER                 Travis Brasell           



They tried hard to kill rich Aunt May                       
And finally did it one day.                                 
Now her nephews and nieces                                  
Are richer than Croesus,                                    
Proving where there's a will there's a way.                 
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
22691 DEATH - MURDER                 Betty Joahmans      P9108



In a world that's a bit of a dud,                           
People die, leaving graves in the mud.                      
But a minute to think:                                      
Lies written in ink,                                        
Can't hide facts written in blood.                          
                                                            
22692 DEATH - MURDER                 Sandman                  



A faggot living at Ewell,                                   
Found his bonfire needed more fuel,                         
So he threw in Uncle James                                  
To heighten the flames,                                     
A measure effective through cruel.                          
                                                            
22693 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Langford Reed            



Yes, life is a bit enigmatic,                               
And happiness not automatic,                                
But murder, of course,                                      
With a smidgeon of force,                                   
May be neatly performed in the attic.                       
                                                            
22694 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Paul Hoffman             



The beating of Solomon Reeding                              
Left him broken and dying and bleeding                      
On the hot, barren sand                                     
In a desolate land,                                         
Where the vultures awaited their feeding.                   
                                                            
22695 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Cap'n Bean          P0112



There once was a dour old curmudgeon,                       
Who manners fill his family dudgeon.  (resentment)          
Till one impatient young heir                               
Slithered up to his chair                                   
And beat him to death with a bludgeon.                      
                                                            
22696 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Anon                     



But maybe I'll cook her in oil,                             
And laugh as she tries to recoil.                           
In a bubbling vat                                           
Of hot animal fat,                                          
I'll watch the old harridan boil.                           
(mother-in-law flame)                                       
22697 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   PeterW                   



When the shortage of fuel made it hard                      
To maintain the big blaze in our yard;                      
We threw on Aunt Ho,                                        
Who heightened the glow,                                    
But I fear she became somewhat charred.                     
                                                            
22698 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Langford Reed       P0103



A psuedo-messiah, Koresh,                                   
Vexed the Feds.  Oh what a mess!                            
He said, "My law is higher",                                
And started a fire.                                         
The result: A bunch of burned flesh.                        
                                                            
22699 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB                            



A Boy Scout, his parents detestin',                         
Killed both with two blows of his mess-tin;                 
And as they were rotting,                                   
He practiced his knotting                                   
On big sister's lower intestine.                            
                                                            
22700 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Beelzebub                



Mac's life was a practical joker,                           
He was tops for a retired broker.                           
He was good to the end,                                     
When found by a friend,                                     
Beaten to death with a heavy poker.                         
                                                            
22701 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Arthur Pattaffy          



He was found on the floor near the fender;                  
He looked like he'd been on a bender.                       
There was blood on his head;                                
He was obviously dead,                                      
The man thought of as a never-ender!                        
                                                            
22702 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Arthur Pattaffy          



The police came with a ring on the bell;                    
"'Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo, what the 'ell,                        
It's the joker, old Mac,                                    
Who's laid flat on his back,                                
Look at 'im.  Lying there like 'e fell!"                    
                                                            
22703 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Arthur Pattaffy          



The detectives soon came in their macs;                     
We want to know all of the facts.                           
We did not like your friend,                                
But we don't like his end.                                  
It looks like he was killed by an axe.                      
                                                            
22704 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Arthur Pattaffy          



Just then they all received a surprise;                     
The corpse arose before their eyes.                         
With my own croaking,                                       
I have finished with joking;                                
He fell!  A heart attack was his demise!                    
                                                            
22705 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Arthur Pattaffy          



A cluster of kids was attacked                              
By a man who was savagely whacked;                          
Their bodies were bled,                                     
Then he left them, for dead,                                
In a dumpster, all tidily stacked.                          
                                                            
22706 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Cap'n Bean          P0308



Betrayed by his partner at bridge,                          
And therefore in debt by a smidge,                          
He broke, with the phone,                                   
Her occipital bone,                                         
And then stashed her away in the fridge.                    
                                                            
22707 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Beelzebub          TP9804



A cold-hearted robber named Jed                             
Had murdered a tailor named Ted;                            
He cut off his breath                                       
And he choked him to death,                                 
With a yard of his costliest thread.                        
                                                            
22708 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Cap'n Bean          P0111



Now Peter the patient just snores                           
And sounds of annoyance ignores.                            
We'll beat in his head                                      
Until he is dead;                                           
A homicide done with due cause.                             
                                                            
22709 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Archie                   



The arduous Scot, Angus Tabor,                              
Was crushed to death by a tossed caber,                     
Hurled by one Andrew Krutting,                              
Enraged by Tabor's strutting                                
Around, boasting how he'd loved his neighbor.               
                                                            
22710 DEATH - MURDER - BURNED/CLUB   Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



A builder from old Adelaide                                 
Was nagged by a little old maid.                            
A subsequent event                                          
Involving cement                                            
Silence her constant tirade.                                
                                                            
22711 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Don Humphries            



Oh Lord, how I miss ya Letitia;                             
I wish that again I could kiss ya.                          
'Twas not my intent                                         
To use so much cement,                                      
That out from the lake I'd not fish ya.                     
                                                            
22712 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Tiddy Ogg                



Uncle Mel was quite quixotic,                               
A husband rather psychotic.                                 
Shoes of wet cement,                                        
His divorce present,                                        
And both vacationed aquatic.                                
                                                            
22713 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Darryl                   



"A full fifty fathom lays Fred,                             
In a coat made of concrete and lead."                       
"My God!" blubbered Doll,                                   
Like a true gangsters moll,                                 
"Are you saying my Freddie is dead?"                        
                                                            
22714 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Peter Wilkins            



When they asked him the reasons he slew                     
The man, though he cited a slue,                            
He said mainly his mien,                                    
So hateful and mean,                                        
Made him drown the old fart in a slough.                    
                                                            
22715 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       A. N. Wilkins       P9112



A person of whom which I'm not fond                         
Strangely was thrown in a pond.                             
Unfortunately for him,                                      
He never could swim,                                        
And now (heh-heh) he is gone.                               
                                                            
22716 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Black Daisy              



A beetling young woman named Pridgets                       
Had a violent abhorrence of midgets.                        
Off the end of a wharf                                      
She pushed a dwarf                                          
Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.                    
                                                            
22717 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Edward Gorey             



There once was a man named Ted                              
Who paid a young woman for head.                            
After soaking his liver,                                    
He drowned her in a river.                                  
He's walking free. She's dead.                              
                                                            
22718 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Jim Weaver Collection    



Nathanial Geronimo Beam                                     
Was found with his head in a stream;                        
They buried him, dead,                                      
But his widow, named Ned,                                   
Insisted his death was a dream.                             
                                                            
22719 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Cap'n Bean          P0401



There was a young lady named Dot                            
Who would diddle more often than not.                       
She was held in the Bozenkill                               
Up to her nose until                                        
Nothing was left but her twat.                              
                                                            
22720 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED                           G2319



There were simply no "ifs", "ands", or "buts",              
Workers hates Hershey candy boss, Lutz;                     
Some one rolled him out flat,                               
Dipped him in a vat;                                        
He is now a gross, semi-sweet, with nuts.                   
                                                            
22721 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Ann Gasser          P8904



There once was a student named Nell,                        
Who had a most terrible smell.                              
We gave her some soap,                                      
But there just was no hope,                                 
So we shoved her into an old well.                          
                                                            
22722 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED       Venus                    



Oh lord, how I miss ya Letitia,                             
I wish that again I could kiss ya.                          
'Twas not my intent                                         
To use so much cement                                       
That out from the lake I'd not fish ya.                     
                                                            
22723 DEATH - MURDER - DROWNED                                



"Accidental!" said Sharpshooter Botts,                      
"And I hope that the stinking judge rots!                   
Goddamned jury and he                                       
Zapped my not guilty plea;                                  
Just because my gun fired all six shots."                   
                                                            
22724 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Ann Gasser          P8909



There was a young fellow named Gaines                       
Whose girl gave him trouble and pains.                      
So he shot the girl dead                                    
With a hole in the head,                                    
And he blew his cock off in her brains.                     
                                                            
22725 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Albin Chaplin   3024-0698



"The Case of the Irate Inventor."                           
'Twas thought he was killed by his mentor.                  
You wonder who-done-it?                                     
Well, who owned the gun?  It                                
Turned out 'twas the butler -- his renter.                  
                                                            
22726 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Marlene Lewis            



I have long since regretted that Ed                         
Caught me laying his wife in their bed...                   
I was too weak to run                                       
When he whipped out his gun,                                
Which is why, for ten years, I've been dead!                
                                                            
22727 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Grand Prix Lim  111      



There was a wild dolly named Drury                          
Who shot her boyfriend in her fury,                         
When she caught the goon working                            
Like crazy at jerking...                                    
She was cheered loud and long by the jury.                  
                                                            
22728 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Grand Prix Lim  695      



That utter nutter in Dumblane,                              
Fired his pistol again and again.                           
There was blood on the floor,                               
On the wall more gore,                                      
And all of those children were slain.                       
                                                            
22729 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Herkin                   



That danged sniper in Washington town,                      
Of all loonies there, bears the crown.                      
At a more closer look,                                      
He is just a small crook;                                   
Anyway, dear, best keep your head down.                     
                                                            
22730 DEATH - MURDER - GUN                                    



Throughout Martin's years as a small lad,                   
He was beaten severely by Dad.                              
Martin became undone                                        
And obtained a large gun,                                   
Then he blasted dear Dad and was glad.                      
                                                            
22731 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Loren Fitzhugh      P0310



Young Raymond was careless, they say,                       
In planning his rolls in the hay;                           
For his last bedded doll                                    
Was a Mob Capo's moll.                                      
The result was some holes in the Ray!                       
                                                            
22732 DEATH - MURDER - GUN                                    



There's this guy in Iraq named Hussein                      
Who, one could say, is insane.                              
The guy should be dead,                                     
He's so dense in the head;                                  
I vote -- a few rounds through his brain.                   
                                                            
22733 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Daniel Holland           



There was a young girl of Cologne                           
Who constantly talked on the phone.                         
But a party-line member                                     
Shot her dead in December,                                  
And nobody uttered a sound.                                 
                                                            
22734 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Glen Hughes         P0201



A miserly geezer from the Pentagon,                         
Went out one day just for to rentagun.                      
Why pay the whole lot                                       
For only one shot?                                          
I might never on murder be bentagon.                        
                                                            
22735 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Nika                     



An affluent woman from Bristol                              
Was killed by a powerful pistol                             
When her mansion was robbed                                 
By a robber named Bob,                                      
Who made off with her sterling and crystal.                 
                                                            
22736 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Cap'n Bean          P0202



There was a collection of schemers,                         
Who swore they were going to redeem us.                     
I said, "No you're not!"                                    
But now they've been shot.                                  
The Heroes!  The Darlings!  The Dreamers!                   
(shoot all people who gods talk to -- quickly! - McW)       
22737 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Basil Ransome-Davies     



Said my randy old grandfather Nate,                         
"At a hundred it's still not too late!"                     
But prevented by gout,                                      
He couldn't get out,                                        
And was shot by a husband irate.                            
                                                            
22738 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Jim Vandermeer      P9401



A fertilized lady with headaches                            
Decided to try Dianetics.                                   
When she found that the foetus                              
Could take notes of coitus,                                 
She shot dead the night man with Nedick's.                  
                                                            
22739 DEATH - MURDER - GUN                               G1667



Identical twins killed their mother.                        
And when the judge asked them which brother                 
Fired the shot to Mom's head,                               
They, in unison said,                                       
"Sir, we cannot tell one from the other."                   
                                                            
22740 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Evelyn Bogen        P9405



In former days of passion and strife,                       
It was, use your fist or your knife.                        
Now it is fun                                               
To use a gun                                                
And to snuff out the other guy's life.                      
                                                            
22741 DEATH - MURDER - GUN           Thomas Patton       P9601



A bright and a pretty au pair                               
Considered it very unfair.                                  
The kid was a pain                                          
So she opened his vein.                                     
Now she's dining on bland prison fare.                      
                                                            
22742 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         TuttaGioia               



An alluring but cranky au pair                              
Was arrested for lethal child care.                         
The kid was a pain                                          
So she opened his vein.                                     
But she swears that she tripped on the stair.               
                                                            
22743 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         TuttaGioia               



A pity about cousin Bella,                                  
Chopped up into bits by her feller.                         
Her members and head                                        
He kept under the bed,                                      
But the trunk he put down in the cellar.                    
                                                            
22744 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Odd Bodkins         P0106



There was a young killer from Slice,                        
Who did things that weren't very nice.                      
Straight razor in hand,                                     
He wandered the land                                        
And thought his fun cheap at the price.                     
                                                            
22745 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Chairman Steve           



A serial killer named Nash                                  
Who throttled young men with a sash,                        
With his chain saw took pains                               
To chop up the remains                                      
And put out the parts with the trash.                       
                                                            
22746 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         A. N. Wilkins       P8903



There once was a woman named Jill                           
Who Jack had been dying to kill;                            
With a knife from his shelf                                 
He killed her - and himself;                                
Their corpses were found on the hill.                       
                                                            
22747 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Cap'n Bean          P0208



Holofernes took Judith to bed                               
When he was too old, the girl said,                         
To rise or to stand                                         
For the matter in hand.                                     
No wonder she cut off his head.                             
(if this is biblical, I need a reference - McW)             
22748 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         A. N. Wilkins       P8509



Two fine fellows we call Smee and Blogg                     
Set out one spring morning to jog;                          
But they found it more pleasant                             
To strangle a peasant,                                      
And then dismember his dog.                                 
                                                            
22749 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         MarcoM              P8601



I am proud to invoke the demise                             
Of this fool, whom we all so despise.                       
When the bell rings, we'll start                            
To rip him apart;                                           
Bags I for his balls and his eyes.                          
                                                            
22750 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Beelzebub                



The gal of a doctor of diet                                 
Got dumped on so much you could cry.  It                    
Took all her forbearance                                    
After her icing him, Clarence,                              
To not cut his schlong off and fry it.                      
                                                            
22751 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Not Jean Harris     P8604



They had come in the fugue to the stretto,                  
When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto,                     
Slipped forward and grabbed                                 
Her tresses and stabbed                                     
Her to death with a rusty stiletto.                         
(stretto - more quickly)                                    
22752 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Edward Gorey             



FOR SALE: An old axe -- take as is.                         
From father's estate; it was his                            
Favorite tool and his pride                                 
Till the day that he died.                                  
Call Borden home and ask for Liz.                           
                                                            
22753 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Arthur Deex         P8703



Said Emma, "Land sakes, Sister Lizzie,                      
You certainly are in a tizzy!                               
If paw saw that hatchet,                                    
You surely would catch it--                                 
Which brings up the question: where is he?"                 
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
22754 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         J C Honeycutt       P9108



There once was a Scotsman named Ed                          
Whose blood was part Irish, one said.                       
Ed was so offended,                                         
He fully intended                                           
To OFF with the slanderer's head.                           
                                                            
22755 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Bert Keely               



An artist who lived in St Ives,                             
Collected quaint African knives.                            
But his children all thought                                
They were bought for their sport.                           
Out of eight only one now survives.                         
                                                            
22756 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         A. E. Prys-Jones         



If your live-in, your husband or wife                       
Is continuously causing you strife,                         
My dear friend, just relax,                                 
Use a hammer or axe,                                        
Or consider to purchase a scythe.                           
                                                            
22757 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE                                  



A hammer or axe is quite neat,                              
But a scythe? I don't think so, my sweet.                   
It needs practice and skill                                 
And a cast-iron will,                                       
To prevent it from mangling one's feet.                     
                                                            
22758 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE                                  



There once was a young girl named Meg,                      
Fell in love with a fellow named Greg.                      
Greg was very mean,                                         
On which Meg was not keen,                                  
So she stabbed his heart with a peg!                        
                                                            
22759 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Two brothers there were in Sioux City;                      
Each thought the other tioux pretty.                        
So each took his knife                                      
And the other one's life.                                   
Now which of the tioux Sioux yioux pity?                    
                                                            
22760 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE         Harvard Lampoon     P0007



A youthful beef-packer named Young,                         
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,                     
Pushed his wife's ma, unseen,                               
In the chopping machine,                                    
Then canned it and labelled it 'Tongue'.                    
                                                            
22761 DEATH - MURDER - KNIFE                                  



There was a fellow named Clare,                             
Depressed to the point of despair;                          
He took his own life                                        
After killing his wife                                      
And reciting his very last prayer.                          
                                                            
22762 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Cap'n Bean          P0900



As his amateur playing was vile,                            
And she hated his wretched bass viol,                       
She considered it meet                                      
To season his meat                                          
With drops from the arsenic vial.                           
                                                            
22763 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        A. N. Wilkins       P9112



Wifey Three was about to expire                             
From Hubby bluebeard's garrote wire;                        
He said, "Now to wed Four,                                  
And then a few more,                                        
It's a bitch, but I soon can retire."                       
                                                            
22764 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Ann Gasser          P8904



A timid and meek Chinese bride                              
Added poison to meat, nicely fried.                         
Though the flavor was hellish,                              
The groom ate with such relish,                             
The verdict was chop suey-cide.                             
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
22765 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        E. C. Sanborn       P9108



The female Black Widow has smarts --                        
Once mated, she kills counterparts.                         
It makes sense to me,                                       
I'd have to agree --                                        
Stop the snoring before it starts!                          
                                                            
22766 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE                                 



Beware of the women who're Jewish;                          
They all are born to be shrewish.                           
They'll nag and harangue                                    
Till you want them to hang                                  
And watch their faces turn bluish.                          
                                                            
22767 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Rob Weiner               



A ghoulish old fellow in Kent                               
Encrusted his wife in cement;                               
He said, with a sneer,                                      
"I was careful, my dear,                                    
To follow your natural bent."                               
                                                            
22768 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Morris Bishop       P8804



There was a young woman named Glory;                        
About her, I'll tell you a story.                           
One day in a rage                                           
Killed her man for his wage.                                
How she did it, I'm think it too gory.                      
                                                            
22769 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Arthur Pattaffy          



As a lover he was not a demon,                              
That grizzled old salt of a seaman.                         
But his wife craved a child,                                
Though her mate she reviled...                              
She's drowned him since freezing his semen.                 
                                                            
22770 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        TuttaGioia               



A vindictive old fellow from laurel                         
Got involved in a family quarrel;                           
So he picked up his knife                                   
And castrated his wife,                                     
And some other acts highly immoral.                         
                                                            
22771 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Hugh Oliver         A060B



A disgruntled knife-thrower named Fife,                     
Was busy cleaning his knife.                                
To his utter despair                                        
His knife jumped in the air                                 
And entered the heart of his wife.                          
                                                            
22772 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Al Chaplin          P9404



There was a young fellow named Gloser,                      
Whose wife was a constant opposer.                          
So he snuffed out her life                                  
With a big butcher knife,                                   
And he put her right through the disposer.                  
                                                            
22773 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Albin Chaplin            



When careless old Julius Caesar                             
Shut his wife in a prototype freezer --                     
Although he was pleased                                     
With his deep-frozen peas,                                  
It would take more than peas to appeaser.                   
                                                            
22774 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Nick D Kim               



A nasty man, Old Ebeneezer,                                 
Was mean to his wife, the old geezer.                       
She said, without bitchin',                                 
"Come into the kitchen."                                    
(You'll find the old boy in the freezer.)                   
                                                            
22775 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Ogden Nield              



It's a challenge to take your own life.                     
I once tried with a Swiss-Army-knife.                       
So I opened a vein,                                         
And I let the blood drain,                                  
But I got bored and just killed my wife.                    
                                                            
22776 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Jason Taniguchi          



A man had a pet gourmet ocelot,                             
And also a wife who would boss a lot.                       
He applied remoulade                                        
To her fast-asleep bod.                                     
The ocelot sure like that sauce a lot.                      
                                                            
22777 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Sally Porter        P8812



An angry young lady named Jill                              
Killed her husband with gas from the grill.                 
She wasn't contrite,                                        
But fainted outright                                        
When she got the gas-company bill!                          
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
22778 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Richard Maples      P9108



An expert onanist named Bart                                
Tutored many a man in his art,                              
Till in desperation                                         
A great delegation                                          
Of neglected wives tore him apart.                          
                                                            
22779 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE                            G2083



There was a magician named Herridge                         
Whose dear wife was wont to disparage,                      
So on stage in full view,                                   
She was cut clean in two                                    
For the magic had gone from their marriage.                 
                                                            
22780 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Albin Chaplin            



I married this bitchy old cow;                              
To her I had given my vow.                                  
If I killed her dead                                        
The day we first met,                                       
I'd be out of the slammer by now!                           
                                                            
22781 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Blowcephus         TP9802



Fred wasn't known as a lawn preener;                        
He was thought to be more of a dreamer.                     
His wife screamed "More fertilizer!"                        
So he shot; pulverized her;                                 
Now his lawn is pest free and much greener.                 
(Sat Eve Post limerick contest)                             
22782 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Patrick                  



Said a package dispatcher named Thatcher,                   
"My unfaithful young wife, when I catch her,                
I shall package with care                                   
But without any air,                                        
For it's thus that I plan to dispatch her."                 
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
22783 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Mark Grenier        P9108



The tombstone of Solomon Dale                               
Is aging and terribly frail;                                
His wife was a loon;                                        
They married in June;                                       
They say he was poisoned by ale.                            
                                                            
22784 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Cap'n Bean          P0307



The lady is so fond of macaroni,                            
Her husband flavored hers with antimony.                    
Very soon he'll be free                                     
With no large attorney fee;                                 
No divorce, and better still, no alimony.                   
                                                            
22785 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



Said the young wife, "You think you're so smart!            
Your PEJORATIVE words break my heart.                       
Now I've poisoned your food                                 
Just for being rude,                                        
But I'll love you 'til death do us part!"                   
                                                            
22786 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Observer                 



A polygamous chieftain, a Bantu,                            
Said, "It's bad killing wives; I don't want to,             
But it's hard to discriminate                               
Between which to eliminate                                  
And which ones are worth hanging on to."                    
                                                            
22787 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Armand E Singer       260



"It's murder!" the widowed one cried.                       
"No, ma'am," the patrolman replied.                         
"In a case of this nature,                                  
The correct nomenclature                                    
Is 'Cause of death: poss. homicide.'"                       
                                                            
22788 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Laurence Perrine    P8903



I've been married for thirty four years;                    
I'm the victim of media smears.                             
I'd tell you the rest                                       
But I'm saving the best                                     
For a jury composed of my peers.                            
                                                            
22789 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Arthur Deex         P0109



Here lies the handsome John Miller,                         
A kind man and a social pillar.                             
He married a gal                                            
He thought was a pal,                                       
But was really a serial killer.                             
                                                            
22790 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        H A Marewich             



There once was a poor King of Tonga,                        
But he isn't king any longa;                                
His wife, scheming queen,                                   
On poisons was keen,                                        
And also, considerably stronga.                             
                                                            
22791 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Armand E Singer       967



Crazy old gunslinger Pete,                                  
Did a trick that just couldn't be beat.                     
Using only one eye,                                         
Shot his wife from the sky;                                 
The sheriff said "Murder!" Pete, "Skeet!"                   
                                                            
22792 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE                                 



Said and angry old man of Schenectady,                      
"By God, ma'am, I'll fracture your neck today!"             
Then he ended the life                                      
Of his long-faithful wife.                                  
So he finally did it, by heck, did he?                      
                                                            
22793 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE                                 



There was an old man and his wife,                          
Who lived in the bitterest strife;                          
He opened the stove,                                        
Pushed her in with a shove,                                 
And cried, "There, you pest of my life."                    
                                                            
22794 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        C Wells 1864      (Bibby)



The problems that plague Mr. Fife                           
Like how to get rid of his wife;                            
Divorce is expensive,                                       
And poison's offensive,                                     
And shootings worth twenty to life.                         
                                                            
22795 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Armand E Singer       918



There was a young miner named Seth,                         
Who said he'd love his wife to her death.                   
He tried poisons and drugs;                                 
To trip her with rugs;                                      
He died first from a shortage of breath.                    
                                                            
22796 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Arthur Pattaffy          



While soaking in bubbles and oils,                          
Her husband threw in heating coils.                         
As she flopped 'round the tub,                              
A-blubbity-blub-blub,                                       
He said, "You're scrubbed, you fat bag of boils!"           
                                                            
22797 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Cruelty Jones            



A sheepherder made yesterday's news.                        
While repairing the barn, using screws.                     
His wife shot him dead--                                    
She thought that he said                                    
He was there in the barn, screwing ewes.                    
                                                            
22798 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Jim Menger          P9205



There was a young fellow from Fife,                         
Who had a big row with his wife.                            
He lost half his nose,                                      
Two-thirds of his toes,                                     
One ear, seven teeth, and his life.                         
                                                            
22799 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        T. R. Ybarra             



He was always correcting her grammar.                       
He said, when she said with a yammer,                       
"The reindeer are falling."                                 
"The rain, dear, IS falling."                               
She beat him to death with a hammer.                        
                                                            
22800 DEATH - MURDER - SPOUSE        Al Willis                



In Boston, a young maiden aunt                              
Entered into an amorous entente                             
With a neophyte draftsman,                                  
A blundering craftsman,                                     
Who rendered her promptly enceinte.                         
                                                            
22801 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1979



Showing no sense of fatherly pride,                         
And displaying a greedier side,                             
Our draftsman (Sicilian)                                    
Shagged a comely Brazilian,                                 
And was caught by his common-law bride.                     
                                                            
22802 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1980



Now our mother-to-be was so miffed                          
That her mental estate went adrift.                         
She embarked on a scheme                                    
Not quite proper, 'twould seem,                             
For the fine Boston family of Gift.                         
                                                            
22803 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1981



She went up to her paramour's pad                           
And dispatched him; but having gone mad,                    
She, with surgical skill,                                   
Amputated his quill                                         
Which qualified him as a dad.                               
                                                            
22804 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1982



Gracious How this bizarre sequence grew!                    
When from love nest our murderess withdrew,                 
For with passport in hand                                   
(In her luggage, his gland)                                 
On a jet down to Rio she flew.                              
                                                            
22805 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1983



Though the customs men had quite a start                    
On discovering his eerie spare part,                        
She excused its appearance,                                 
And gained rapid clearance                                  
By declaring it: "Gift--Work of Art."                       
                                                            
22806 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1984



As the terminus of her design,                              
She, in action uniquely benign,                             
Gave the latin pretender                                    
Their dead sweetheart's pudenda,                            
Saying, "Here dear, you left this behind!"                  
                                                            
22807 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1985



Now Miss Gift's in a jail in Back Bay                       
Where she'll languish for many a day.                       
You see, morally, Bean Town                                 
Is a dreadfully clean town,                                 
In which crime of this sort doesn't pay.                    
                                                            
22808 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                           G1986



Had I shot her in ninety and one,                           
When I caught her with Steve and his son,                   
She'd be dead for more years;                               
I'd be quaffing my beers,                                   
'Cause parole I'd already have won.                         
                                                            
22809 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Eugene L                 



But since you are not very rich,                            
If you went and shot up the bitch,                          
You would not get parole.                                   
You'd be stuck in a hole                                    
Being raped by some fellow named Mitch.                     
                                                            
22810 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Eugene L                 



When your family does get on your nerve,                    
Don't you want to give what they deserve?                   
Not content with o-pax,                                     
Just relax with an axe,                                     
And behead them with just one smooth serve.                 
                                                            
22811 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Ulla                     



I agree, your suggestion's a comer;                         
As we are right in the middle of summer,                    
Because school is out,                                      
Most days I want to shout                                   
'Cause I'm trapped with three teens -- what a bummer!       
                                                            
22812 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Jeanie                   



They sleep every day until noon,                            
Then they shower until they're a prune.                     
Dirty glasses and plates,                                   
Odd socks and free weights,                                 
In my living room, these are all strewn.                    
                                                            
22813 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Jeanie                   



Us country boy teens couldn't swoon                         
Past four a.m.!  Heck babe, by noon                         
I'd milked the damn cow,                                    
Fetched eggs, fed the sow,                                  
And screwed me a barnyard of poon.                          
                                                            
22814 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



Miranda, remember an inn,                                   
Where you had them all in a spin?                           
When the chandelier broke                                   
And you thought it a joke,                                  
And your twat landed in that fellow's gin.                  
                                                            
22815 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



In that inn, Miranda, do you                                
Remember you swore to be true?                              
Then fellated the waiter,                                   
Blew the old undertaker,                                    
And boffed the ferry boat's crew.                           
                                                            
22816 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



And now Miranda, remember,                                  
What I told you last December.                              
You've been such a tart,                                    
I'll tear you apart;                                        
I'm going to have you dismembered.                          
                                                            
22817 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



You've freely given your quim,                              
To him, and to him, and to him.                             
They all wanted you,                                        
Now their dreams will come true;                            
I'm sending to them each a limb.                            
                                                            
22818 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The most blackmailable man on the hill,                     
Might think he might do what he will,                       
And sit on committees                                       
And ponder the titties,                                     
Of the girl that he told thugs to kill;                     
                                                            
22819 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



She had her brief uses, it's true,                          
But then when it's best that she flew,                      
She's taken, erased;                                        
All done in hot haste,                                      
With hardly a moment to rue;                                
                                                            
22820 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



And shaking my head, I just sigh;                           
A pity, this girl had to die.                               
For power corrupts,                                         
And bucks upon bucks,                                       
Tempt that elected official to lie.                         
                                                            
22821 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



Oh woe; for impending is doom.                              
A week in a far away room;                                  
A small taste of hell                                       
In some dingy hotel,                                        
In a city renowned for its gloom.                           
                                                            
22822 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



So dingy you wouldn't believe;                              
Especially selected by Steve,                               
My boss, who is raving                                      
And nuts about saving                                       
Expenses which cause him to grieve.                         
                                                            
22823 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



And that means each fractional cent                         
Which might be, for comfort's sake, spent,                  
Is carefully weighed                                        
And dismissed I'm afraid.                                   
Why he's even suggested a tent.                             
                                                            
22824 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



Or a small cardboard box and a mat,                         
A spade or a shovel (for that                               
Which one has to do                                         
On occasions) and two                                       
Cents a meal which just might feed a gnat.                  
                                                            
22825 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



So off I shall go very soon,                                
Some three or so hours after noon,                          
To work yet again.                                          
(Maybe ill I should feign                                   
And phone Doctor Petunia Swoon.)                            
                                                            
22826 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES                                



Mrs. Jones was suspected of killing                         
Her husband to use as a filling                             
In pastries and pies,                                       
So the cops thought it wise                                 
To arrest her and give her a grilling.                      
                                                            
22827 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



On searching the garden they found                          
A disturbed patch of earth and a mound                      
Where she'd buried the bones                                
Of the late Mr. Jones,                                      
Just a yard and a half underground.                         
                                                            
22828 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



They raided her larder that night                           
And were shocked at the horrible sight                      
Of some twenty-four dozen                                   
Meat pies which were buzzin'                                
With flies in the vanishing light.                          
                                                            
22829 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



(These verses I've tried to keep clean                      
But the rest of the story's obscene.                        
If you really don't feel ya                                 
Can take zoophilia,                                         
Stop reading; you know what I mean.)                        
                                                            
22830 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



With evidence mounting, she said,                           
"I confess that I wanted him dead,                          
'Cause I viewed with revulsion                              
His sexual compulsion                                       
For jacking-off donkeys in bed.                             
                                                            
22831 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



I said to him, "Why can't you play                          
With your donkeys's dongs out in the hay,                   
'Cause I'm fed up with cleaning                             
And washing machining                                       
Our bedsheets and blankets all day."                        
                                                            
22832 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



"I'll do what I like, you old bat."                         
Said my husband while screwing the cat.                     
"And I'll take up with dogs,                                
Armadillos and hogs,                                        
Even elephants; how about that?"                            
                                                            
22833 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



"You bastard!" I said, and I tore                           
At his balls as we fell to the floor.                       
With a knife in my hand,                                    
Which I swear wasn't planned,                               
I just stabbed him and mopped up the gore.                  
                                                            
22834 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



His soft fleshy pieces I charred on                         
The griddle while digging my garden.                        
And yes, I admit,                                           
That I fondled my clit                                      
As I pickled the bugger's last hard on.                     
                                                            
22835 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



At her trial the psychiatrist said                          
That she wasn't quite right in the head.                    
So they took her away                                       
Without further delay                                       
Firmly strapped to a hospital bed.                          
                                                            
22836 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



Joe found a cure for headache pain,                         
And now he is happy again;                                  
He took a late flight                                       
With his wife one night,                                    
And dropped the bitch out of the plane.                     
                                                            
22837 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



What Joe did not know was his bitch,                        
Indeed was naught but a witch.                              
A broom pulled out, she                                     
For her man to see,                                         
That she can fully fly with no hitch.                       
                                                            
22838 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       R Rezel                  



The witch (the ex-bitch) was wee miffed,                    
'Cause her man had set her adrift.                          
A spell she did caste,                                      
And they heard a blast;                                     
The crash of the plane was quite swift.                     
                                                            
22839 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       R Rezek                  



The witch (the ex-bitch) was now happy.                     
She had got rid of her ex-chappie.                          
Burst was her big bubble;                                   
Her broom gave her trouble,                                 
'Cause the engine on it was so scrappy.                     
                                                            
22840 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       R Rezel                  



The witch (the ex-bitch) was then falling;                  
Her screaming was simply appalling.                         
The witch was a bitch                                       
Which is something which                                    
Did not stop her destiny's calling.                         
                                                            
22841 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       R Rezel                  



The moral, this story proclaims                             
That whenever bitches play games,                           
It's they who will suffer,                                  
'Cause life's a lot tougher                                 
For bitches who think they are dames.                       
                                                            
22842 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       R Rezel                  



Big Brother now wants to relate                             
Brutal actions to -- would you guess? -- Hate!              
So before my next killing,                                  
I have to be willing                                        
To wipe all ill will off my slate.                          
                                                            
22843 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       John Miller              



Let's say my next victim is gay;                            
Why then, I must carefully say                              
Where it's sure to be heard,                                
"Hating queers is absurd,                                   
Why, I've ALWAYS loved people that way!"                    
                                                            
22844 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       John Miller              



At the same time, I mustn't be slack                        
To renounce, if the victim is black,                        
All my old negro jokes                                      
"'Cause I do love those folks!"                             
Or the court will be taken aback.                           
                                                            
22845 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       John Miller              



My head I'll bow low if I choose                            
Some priest to blow out of his shoes.                       
And don't be surprised                                      
If I get circumsized                                        
To prove brotherhood with the Jews.                         
                                                            
22846 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       John Miller              



Also Squareheads, and Froggies, and Poles,                  
I love all those clods, bless their souls.                  
I love all persuasions                                      
(Even Germans and Asians)                                   
While I fill up their bodies with holes.                    
                                                            
22847 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       John Miller              



So next time I'm offing some slob,                          
I'll declare for the witnessing mob,                        
As I'm twisting the knife,                                  
"I'm not taking your life                                   
'Cause I HATE you -- It's part of my job."                  
                                                            
22848 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       John Miller              



The couple next door had a daughter,                        
Who was doing what she hadn't oughter.                      
She asked me my name,                                       
And I said, "Are you game?"                                 
She replied, "Yes I am," so I shot her.                     
                                                            
22849 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Aussie Owl               



I read this and thought, "What a peasant!"                  
Then read it again and thought, "Pheasant!"                 
If freshly deceased                                         
And internally greased,                                     
There is nothing for fucking so pleasant.                   
                                                            
22850 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Peter Wilkins            



Incompetent circus star Clive's                             
Performance involves throwing knives.                       
This not-quite-great star gets                              
Cash, using as targets,                                     
Unhappily married men's wives.                              
                                                            
22851 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



Then one of the wives got away                              
And tied poor old Clive to a tray.                          
She snatched up his dirk,                                   
Cropped his dick with a jerk,                               
And gave it to children for play                            
                                                            
22852 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Brian Belge              



Though Clive is inept tossing sabers,                       
He's worth what he's earned for his labors.                 
And skills of poor aim                                      
(At least that's the claim                                  
Of widowers -- my happy neighbors.)                         
                                                            
22853 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



I have gotten out my big saber                              
And peek at my sunbathing neighbor,                         
And get a good rhythm                                       
To pump out some jithm --                                   
The joy of just tossin my caber.                            
                                                            
22854 DEATH - MURDER - ZSERIES       Archie                   



There once was a sailor named May,                          
Who maintained his right of way.                            
He was right all along,                                     
As he sailed straight and strong,                           
And he's now in his grave to this day.                      
                                                            
22855 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



"It was not my intention," I lied                           
To my wife, as she sat there and cried.                     
"But your mother was ninety.                                
I just told her politely                                    
'Act your age', which she did -- then she died!"            
                                                            
22856 DEATH - NATURAL                Friar                    



Golden lads, and girls all must,                            
Like chimney sweepers come to dust.                         
Heat from passion,                                          
Right from the fun,                                         
Must all one day come to bust.                              
                                                            
22857 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



There was an old person who cried,                          
"I'm afraid that I'm dying", and died.                      
The coroner said,                                           
"He appears to be dead";                                    
Which he was, as I think I've implied.                      
                                                            
22858 DEATH - NATURAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



"There's a lump in your mattress", said Fred.               
"Yes I know; it's my husband -- he's dead.                  
A voyeur to the last,                                       
He said, when he passed,                                    
'Will you bury me here in the bed.'"                        
                                                            
22859 DEATH - NATURAL                Peter Wilkins            



At the funeral service for Jude,                            
Pandemonium quickly ensued;                                 
The mourners all shrieked,                                  
And the husband, he freaked                                 
At her body - displayed in the nude!                        
                                                            
22860 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0102



Beneath his piano young Deever                              
Discovered his dying retriever.                             
Sometime later that day,                                    
He met greater dismay --                                    
'Neath his organ he found a dead beaver.                    
                                                            
22861 DEATH - NATURAL                Albin Chaplin 3024  P8812



In Baker, the baker Ben Baker                               
Asked Bob, Baker's bone undertaker,                         
To build his wife's bier                                    
With room for her rear,                                     
And make it so no one could wake 'er.                       
                                                            
22862 DEATH - NATURAL                Travis Brasell           



I don't think I'll conquer dysfunction                      
Until after I've had extreme unction;                       
Maybe peace can be found                                    
When my bod's underground,                                  
And my soul's at some faraway juction.                      
                                                            
22863 DEATH - NATURAL                Nancy Henry-Kline   P9306



A TV fanatic named Mariel                                   
Died but was not boxed for burial.                          
Instead she was aired,                                      
But the Networks declared                                   
That the broad cast a stench too malarial.                  
                                                            
22864 DEATH - NATURAL                Bill Backe-Hansen   P9401



There once was a woman named Sue,                           
Whose marriage was suddenly through;                        
She lost all her pride,                                     
And she quietly died                                        
From a heart that was broken in two.                        
                                                            
22865 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0900



An enbalmer with a bowed head                               
Prayed over one recently dead.                              
But the dead man sat up;                                    
The digger's heart blew up.                                 
So the dead man buried him, instead.                        
                                                            
22866 DEATH - NATURAL                A S Bain                 



A precious young baby named Faye,                           
She lived but for only a day;                               
She was buried in lace,                                     
With a sad little face,                                     
On a morning all chilly and gray.                           
                                                            
22867 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0312



A elderly fellow named Zeke                                 
Was known very seldom to speak;                             
They nudged him one day,                                    
Just to see what he'd say,                                  
And they found he'd been dead for a week.                   
                                                            
22868 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0111



There was a young lady named Ruth,                          
Who had a great passion for truth.                          
She said she would die                                      
Before she would lie,                                       
But she died in the prime of her youth.                     
                                                            
22869 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



Death and taxes remain the twin curse                       
Of civilized men's universe.                                
But though taxes, we know,                                  
Incessantly grow;                                           
Death, at least never grows worse.                          
                                                            
22870 DEATH - NATURAL                A. N. Wilkins       P8704



While his duchess lay practically dead,                     
The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:                            
"Can it be this is all?                                     
How puny!  How small!                                       
It destroyed this disgrace to my bed."                      
                                                            
22871 DEATH - NATURAL                Edward Gorey             



An old fart in high eighties can't write;                   
A fact which causes delight.                                
A nasty old fellow,                                         
I wish he would mellow,                                     
And drift peacefully off into the night.                    
                                                            
22872 DEATH - NATURAL                Jeffrey Beeton           



A farmer whose farm didn't yeild,                           
Felt his fate was unhappily sealed;                         
He died in dismay                                           
On a thicket of hay,                                        
Then he rotted away, in his field.                          
                                                            
22873 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0303



An explorer in search of great treasure,                    
Found he had little time for his leisure.                   
Quite in vain he pursueth                                   
The Fountain Of Youth                                       
And eventually died of old ageure.                          
                                                            
22874 DEATH - NATURAL                Ryan Waldron             



There was an old person who said,                           
"When I die, I shall die in my bed."                        
This resolve notwithstanding,                               
He stood on the landing,                                    
Proceeding to die there instead.                            
                                                            
22875 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



A fellow from Ruff and named Stickley                       
Was found to be terribly sickly;                            
His progressive disease                                     
Made him wobble and wheeze,                                 
And his passing occurred rather quickly.                    
                                                            
22876 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0202



If Death is just a long night,                              
Then I think it is only right                               
To do more than sleep,                                      
Or count bloody sheep,                                      
But do as a living man might.                               
                                                            
22877 DEATH - NATURAL                Phil T                   



With calm and frank deliberation,                           
Oregon was the first in the nation                          
To permit an M.D.                                           
To lend dignity                                             
To the death of a terminal patient.                         
                                                            
22878 DEATH - NATURAL                Dr Limerick              



When John Ashcroft heard this, he cried                     
And set Federalist tenets aside;                            
He decreed it a crime                                       
Anywhere, anytime,                                          
To use drugs to assist suicide.                             
                                                            
22879 DEATH - NATURAL                Dr Limerick              



We're missing a Miss from Decatur,                          
Who was shaped rather like a potater;                       
And it's whispered around                                   
That she'll never be found--                                
It's likely the tater-bugs ate her!                         
                                                            
22880 DEATH - NATURAL                Norm Storer              



The trouble with cancer, says Erving,                       
The slowness is very un-nerving.                            
Though one knows one hasta,                                 
A train wreck is fasta,                                     
Or hitting an upright when swerving.                        
(his last written words, died Oct 11, 2000)                 
22881 DEATH - NATURAL                Irving Superior     P0011



As the poets have mournfully sung,                          
Death takes the innocent young,                             
The rolling in money.                                       
The screamingly funny,                                      
And those folks who are very well hung.                     
                                                            
22882 DEATH - NATURAL                W. H. Auden              



Bhere was a young person of Perth,                          
Who was born on the day of his birth.                       
He was married, they say,                                   
On his wife's wedding day,                                  
And died when he quitted this earth.                        
                                                            
22883 DEATH - NATURAL                L. Untermeyer            



Reflect on the fate of poor Ned                             
Who never is life, (it is said)                             
Indulged in lewd practice;                                  
However, the fact is                                        
He's got his hole, now that he's dead.                      
                                                            
22884 DEATH - NATURAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an unfortunate fellow                             
Who survived his wife's arsenic paella.                     
Then he went out and bought                                 
A chicken pie, caught,                                      
And dropped dead from a bad salmonella.                     
                                                            
22885 DEATH - NATURAL                Alexander Baron          



The choices you made are just fine;                         
They're not the same choices as mine.                       
But, if you've been just,                                   
When you turn to dust,                                      
Then for your soul, your family won't pine.                 
                                                            
22886 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



Mister Johnson despised social parity;                      
He was stern, with no sense of hilarity.                    
When he died, in defiance,                                  
His wife gave him to science,                               
For he'd never been given to charity.                       
                                                            
22887 DEATH - NATURAL                Graham Lester            



The will of a lecher named Gore,                            
Revealed a cremation in store:                              
Bedeviled by lust, he                                       
Had named a whore trustee                                   
To haul his old ashes once more.                            
                                                            
22888 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



"He was such a nice guy," remarked Ray                      
Of his boss, who had just passed away.                      
But in an aside,                                            
Ray explained to his bride,                                 
"That's 'nice guy' spelled P-R-I-C-K."                      
                                                            
22889 DEATH - NATURAL                Michael Weinstein   P8702



A sturdy young fellow named Kell                            
When born, had a bad sickly spell.                          
He improved right along                                     
To be robust and strong;                                    
When he died, he was healthy as hell.                       
                                                            
22890 DEATH - NATURAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2637



Being last to survive his tontine,                          
All the spoils and booze came to Joe Green.                 
He swilled down the champagne,                              
Spoke of crushing chest pain.                               
Then combusting, was never more seen.                       
                                                            
22891 DEATH - NATURAL                Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



There was a young nurse they called Sally,                  
Who cared for old Bob in the Valley.                        
But they knew he was dead                                   
When the Hospice nurse said,                                
"I pinched him but he failed to rally."                     
                                                            
22892 DEATH - NATURAL                Bob Birch           P2005



He is dead, he is gone, call a priest;                      
He's grown cold and his breathing has ceased.               
His old heart stopped it's beating,                         
'Tis a fate you'll be meeting                               
Can't own life - it's something we've leased!               
                                                            
22893 DEATH - NATURAL                Bob Birch           P2005



A commonplace fellow named Sy                               
To life on this earth said goodbye.                         
When they buried his bones,                                 
There were moanings and groans,                             
On account of the cost, which was high.                     
                                                            
22894 DEATH - NATURAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2810



There was an old man in a hearse,                           
Who murmured, "This might have been worse.                  
Of course, the expense                                      
Is simply immense,                                          
But it doesn't come out of my purse."                       
                                                            
22895 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



There was an old maid of Genoa,                             
I blush when I think what I owe her.                        
She's gone to her rest,                                     
And it's all for the best;                                  
Otherwise I would borrow Samoa.                             
                                                            
22896 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



My best friend just died Saturday;                          
It's left me is such a bad way.                             
I must leave awhile;                                        
I've nary a smile.                                          
Thank you for the laughs and the play.                      
                                                            
22897 DEATH - NATURAL                Bridget                  



There once was a fellow named Fritz                         
Who perished of violent fits;                               
He screamed and he gnashed                                  
And he gouged and he thrashed,                              
And he tore his whole body to bits.                         
                                                            
22898 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0112



There was an old person of Persia,                          
Who called two nasturtium 'nasturtia'.                      
How precious!  What pedantry!                               
A Pedant and sedentary!                                     
He died of progressive inertia.                             
                                                            
22899 DEATH - NATURAL                William Plomer           



Said a learned philosopher, Kurtz,                          
Atheism is something that hurts;                            
I'd like to live forever.                                   
Alas, I will never;                                         
Death is everyman's just desserts.                          
                                                            
22900 DEATH - NATURAL                Alexander Baron          



Momentos are priceless they say,                            
Because memories oft fade away;                             
That's the reason that Sue                                  
Kept the body of Lou                                        
Her husband who'd long passed away.                         
                                                            
22901 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0202



The wealthy and dying man Seth,                             
Said with his last dying breath,                            
"I've hidden my gold                                        
Within this household!                                      
It's in -- uhh!" and went on to his death.                  
                                                            
22902 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



A weird quirk of mine, you may say,                         
I still lay a rose every day,                               
(And my May is to blame                                     
For the girl played a game),                                
At the place where my love died in May.                     
                                                            
22903 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



When limerick bards pass away,                              
Just how will we know on that day?                          
From maggoted ink,                                          
There'll be a sad stink,                                    
Which wafts with perverted decay.                           
                                                            
22904 DEATH - NATURAL                Travis Brasell           



Old limerick bards never die,                               
'Cause Jesus don't want them on high.                       
The devil hates laughter,                                   
So in the hereafter,                                        
He bans them, he wants folks to cry.                        
                                                            
22905 DEATH - NATURAL                Tiddy Ogg                



My dear, good buddy has died;                               
He ate too much food that was fried.                        
He loved fish and chips,                                    
Fried chicken and dips                                      
And for that his grave is occupied.                         
                                                            
22906 DEATH - NATURAL                Bill Wall                



There once was a fellow who died,                           
His beautiful wife at his side;                             
And once he was dead,                                       
She took hold of his head,                                  
And she cried and she cried and she cried.                  
                                                            
22907 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0011



There was a young lady of Clyde,                            
Who lost young McBryde when he died.                        
Not too long did she tarry                                  
And Mcbryde's maid did marry --                             
So McBrydesmaid she was, not McBryde.                       
                                                            
22908 DEATH - NATURAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2505



The medical doctors are great!                              
They believe in "statistical fate,"                         
And have proven this way,                                   
There are more dead today                                   
Than there were back in old sixty-eight.                    
                                                            
22909 DEATH - NATURAL                Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P9306



Morticians attracted by mention,                            
Should learn how to use some discretion.                    
When "lifting the palls"                                    
And "cooling the balls",                                    
They'd best "pay respects" to secretion.                    
                                                            
22910 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



Though sick and diseased was old Shrife;                    
He lived ninety years with this strife.                     
When he dropped dead from dropsy,                           
They performed an autopsy                                   
To determine the cause of his life.                         
                                                            
22911 DEATH - NATURAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2792



Your coffin lies open, agape,                               
All lined with a velvety drape,                             
Awaiting the day                                            
It will cart you away;                                      
From death you can never escape.                            
                                                            
22912 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0309



"Once you're sixty," a patriarch said,                      
"If you wake up one morning in bed                          
With no aches and pains                                     
Or similar banes,                                           
You can be pretty sure that you're dead."                   
                                                            
22913 DEATH - NATURAL                A. N. Wilkins       P8509



A guest in a houseold quite charmless,                      
Was informed its eccentic was harmless.                     
"If you're caught unawares                                  
At the head of the stairs,                                  
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."                   
                                                            
22914 DEATH - NATURAL                Edward Gorey             



An old Democrat politician                                  
Sat for days without changing position.                     
When the roll-call was read,                                
Someone cried, "This one's dead!"                           
So the speaker said, "Call a mortician!"                    
                                                            
22915 DEATH - NATURAL                Don Mulford              



A survey of diners in Kent                                  
Gives cause for extensive lament;                           
The number who die                                          
After eating goose pie                                      
Is precisely one hundred percent.                           
                                                            
22916 DEATH - NATURAL                Laurence Perrine    P9306



There was a young woman from Kent,                          
Who thought death an unlikely event.                        
"Not so!" I told her,                                       
'Cause as we grow older,                                    
The chance is one hundred percent.                          
                                                            
22917 DEATH - NATURAL                Richard Long             



Grandpa got his heavenly reward.                            
He slept driving a crowded Ford.                            
When it's my fateful day                                    
Let me go the same way                                      
With a window sign, "ONE ON BOARD."                         
                                                            
22918 DEATH - NATURAL                Tom Patton          P9504



The reported last words of George Hyde                      
Do suggest to me somebody lied:                             
I can swear that a fart                                     
On the poor fellow's part,                                  
Represents all we heard as he died.                         
                                                            
22919 DEATH - NATURAL                Armand E Singer       925



I'd like to go out in a jiff                                
Like my Grandfather did, lucky stiff!                       
He died while a-dreamin,                                    
And missed his friends' screaming--                         
As his car hurtled over the cliff.                          
                                                            
22920 DEATH - NATURAL                Norm Storer         P9504



In this life he developed a cough,                          
So bad that it carried him off.                             
Came the animal life --                                     
And so did his wife;                                        
He was laid to rest just like a toff.                       
                                                            
22921 DEATH - NATURAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



The birds, they stayed up on the bough;                     
'Round the grave stood a horse and a cow.                   
The wife said "My gosh!.                                    
He don't 'arf look posh!                                    
I wonder where he's orf to now!                             
                                                            
22922 DEATH - NATURAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



After that, you don't know what we went through;            
It seems that wives, he had quite a few.                    
He used ten different names,                                
Ten wives all made claims,                                  
And children he had twenty two.                             
                                                            
22923 DEATH - NATURAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



Each wife thought he left piles of dough;                   
For them this is a tale of some woe.                        
It is so sad to say,                                        
It was all wasted away,                                     
On activities of which we'd not know!                       
                                                            
22924 DEATH - NATURAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



My grand pop dug gold in CA,                                
Came back and had roll in the hay,                          
And started the thread                                      
And now he's dead,                                          
And I'm here in Castletown Bay.                             
                                                            
22925 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



The highest praise, somebody said,                          
Is reserved until after you're dead.                        
But Kenneth B. Lane                                         
Says this is insane,                                        
When your fan club resides in your head.                    
                                                            
22926 DEATH - NATURAL                Bob Seigler              



An ominous fellow named Sy                                  
Predicted the moment he'd die,                              
And he proved to be right;                                  
It was seven at night,                                      
On the thirty-first day of July.                            
                                                            
22927 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0012



On his death bed, Sheik Abdul ben Phools                    
Exhorted his sons with these rules:                         
"Avoid camel dung                                           
And men better hung,                                        
Protect your own family jewels!"                            
                                                            
22928 DEATH - NATURAL                Mark Levy           P9401



The cadaver of Jenny-Lee Joan                               
Was displayed, at her wake, on a stone;                     
She was draped in a sheet,                                  
With a rose by her feet,                                    
And was sprayed with a dainty cologne.                      
                                                            
22929 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0401



A porno book writer named Bell                              
Wrote strokebooks that sold very well.                      
One day he dropped dead                                     
And his publisher said,                                     
"He raised more meat than Swift or Hormel."                 
                                                            
22930 DEATH - NATURAL                Michael Weinstein   P8702



Gordon Dorris was one of the best,                          
And now he has been put to rest.                            
We were in the same squad;                                  
Now he's marchig with God.                                  
His wife and his children were blest.                       
(In Remembrance)                                            
22931 DEATH - NATURAL                Al Willis           P9601



And elderly fellow named Fred,                              
In the middle of winter, went dead;                         
His widow named Flo,                                        
Took him out in the snow,                                   
And she pulled him about on a sled.                         
                                                            
22932 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0302



Here lies an old stinker from Stoneham.                     
I can't say I'm glad to have known 'im.                     
He was filthy, a cheat,                                     
A rat-fink, a dead-beat,                                    
But 'de mortuis nil nisi bonum.'                            
(de mortuis etc - ?? probably don't speak ill of the dead)  
22933 DEATH - NATURAL                John Ciardi              



There was a young lady of Nimes,                            
Who murdered herself in a dream.                            
Since then she repeats                                      
To all that she meets,                                      
"I am much more defunct than I seem."                       
                                                            
22934 DEATH - NATURAL                Little Billie            



There was a notable dean                                    
Who had a disease of the spleen;                            
He had an attack                                            
And he fell on his back,                                    
And he died in a shallow ravine.                            
                                                            
22935 DEATH - NATURAL                Cap'n Bean          P0012



We hope when your numbers come up                           
You'll gather us up in a truck                              
And take us with you,                                       
And whatever you do,                                        
Be sure to show us your D cups!                             
                                                            
22936 DEATH - NATURAL                                         



A pointless old miser named Quince,                         
Spent a lifetime in skinning his flints.                    
When the last flint was skun,                               
He said, "Well, that's done,"                               
And dropped dead, which he's been ever since.               
                                                            
22937 DEATH - NATURAL                John Ciardi              



An odd fellow in old Marblehead                             
Spent his life just sleeping in bed.                        
Then one night he awoke                                     
And thought it a bad joke,                                  
When St Peter told him he was dead.                         
                                                            
22938 DEATH - NATURAL                Warrick Elrod       P0209



In the States, if you die of a seizure,                     
Cryogenecists rapidly freeze yer                            
To preserve your last breath                                
Until science cures death;                                  
Then they'll melt you again at their leisure.               
                                                            
22939 DEATH - NATURAL                John Dole           P9705



The lodgings of cowboys are humble.                         
They live in a terrible jumble;                             
But they thrive on the dirt,                                
And unless they get hurt,                                   
Old cowboys don't die, they just crumble.                   
                                                            
22940 DEATH - NATURAL                Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Avoid costly funeral debt;                                  
Be buried without all that regret;                          
An affordable plan                                          
For woman or man,                                           
Costs only five bucks at the vet.                           
                                                            
22941 DEATH - NATURAL                Travis Brasell           



There once was a girl named Millie,                         
Who danced until she was silly.                             
Her head in a whirl,                                        
She died. The poor girl.                                    
The buried her, holding a lily.                             
                                                            
22942 DEATH - NATURAL                Mehitable          TP9804



Said a wealthy ship owner from Thrace,                      
Scattering dracma all over the place;                       
On champagne and coition,                                   
"It's long been my ambition                                 
To go with a smile on my face."                             
                                                            
22943 DEATH - NATURAL                Arthur Deex         P0204



There was a young fellow named Ted                          
Who took twenty women to bed.                               
As a matter of fact                                         
He completed the act,                                       
Just moments before he dropped dead.                        
                                                            
22944 DEATH - SCREWING               Lims For Erudite    P0205



Visiting his girl who lived in Salina,                      
He stuck his cock up her vagina.                            
With his oversize dong,                                     
He fucked all night long,                                   
And then died of an attack of angina.                       
                                                            
22945 DEATH - SCREWING                                        



At the age of one hundred and four,                         
Ralph hoped he might do it once more.                       
But his dick... couldn't wake it,                           
And his heart wouldn't take it,                             
And he died at the feet of a whore.                         
                                                            
22946 DEATH - SCREWING               Bob Birch           P0900



When Pegetty found Barkis was willing,                      
She really went in for a killing;                           
When she left the bed,                                      
Poor Barkis was dead,                                       
And up with the angels, re-filling.                         
                                                            
22947 DEATH - SCREWING               Jim Weaver Collection    



An impotent fellow named Fred                               
Expired as he climbed into bed;                             
And, post rigor mortis,                                     
His wife said, "I thought his                               
Performance was better when dead."                          
                                                            
22948 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins       P9806



Old Ivor maintained it was worth a                          
Weekend in the hills above Merthyr;                         
Not only for sheep                                          
And for little Bo Peep,                                     
But for bouncing atop of young Bertha.                      
                                                            
22949 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



Apparently Bertha's a lass                                  
With a bountiful mountainous ass.                           
And a cleavage to die for,                                  
According to Ivor,                                          
Who snuffed it last Tuesday, alas.                          
                                                            
22950 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



A gal in our town (here she's nameless)                     
The gossips all say was quite shameless.                    
When her boyfriend was shot                                 
By the husband she's got,                                   
They agreed that the husband was blameless.                 
                                                            
22951 DEATH - SCREWING               Jim Weaver Collection    



A feeble old fellow named Clyde                             
Was screwing his wife when he died.                         
He was cold as a worm                                       
But his pecker was firm,                                    
Which meant burial was not justified.                       
                                                            
22952 DEATH - SCREWING               Albin Chaplin   3024-0667



Rockefeller, it's been quite a while,                       
Had taken pleasure when going in style.                     
A happy leaving                                             
Should cause no grieving                                    
But one wonders if he came with a smile.                    
                                                            
22953 DEATH - SCREWING               Thomas G. Keller    P9401



Now here lies my lovely wife, Jane.                         
As wife, I'd no cause to complain.                          
As my kid's mother, too,                                    
That job she could do,                                      
And in bed she would go like a train.                       
                                                            
22954 DEATH - SCREWING               Tiddy Ogg                



My darling wife Jane lies here dead,                        
She gave me true joy, kids and head;                        
She nurtured our tots                                       
As well as my 'hots',                                       
With ball-busting sessions in bed.                          
                                                            
22955 DEATH - SCREWING               Travis Brasell           



Oh Jane, how I loved you, my dear,                          
And oh, how I wish you were here.                           
For here you would bide                                     
If we hadn't tried                                          
That trick with the old chandelier.                         
                                                            
22956 DEATH - SCREWING               Tiddy Ogg                



Well Jane, now they're saying I spilled you,                
But you know 'twas poor grip that killed you.               
Though your sudden leaving                                  
Has left me here grieving,                                  
I daresay I truly fulfilled you!                            
                                                            
22957 DEATH - SCREWING               Observer                 



The autopsy showed that McSnead                             
Died neither from crack nor from speed;                     
Instead it was clap                                         
Brought on his last nap,                                    
But the papers still say he OD'd.                           
                                                            
22958 DEATH - SCREWING               Norm Storer              



"I think," said a fellow named Nate,                        
As he tickled the ass of his mate,                          
"It would be a good show                                    
To come when I go.                                          
Such a death would not be a bad fate."                      
                                                            
22959 DEATH - SCREWING               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Illusionist Mac the Magician                                
Asked Doris his wife for permission                         
To saw her in half,                                         
But she just gave a laugh,                                  
And said, "You're out of condition...                       
                                                            
22960 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



But if you're suggesting coition,                           
I'll take up your favorite position.                        
Be careful, I fear                                          
That you'll snuff it, my dear,                              
On the point of completing your mission.                    
                                                            
22961 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



Well, just as he came to fruition,                          
He snuffed it. She called the mortician,                    
And laughingly said,                                        
"That's another one dead,                                   
And he's yours when you send my commission."                
                                                            
22962 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



Said a troubled young fellow named Gary,                    
"There are problems with being a fairy,                     
Like explaining just why                                    
You're found under some guy,                                
Pronounced dead from his last coronary."                    
                                                            
22963 DEATH - SCREWING               Armand E Singer       619



There as an old whore name of Baker,                        
Once raped by a young man named Laker.                      
He got more than desired,                                   
And the poor man expired.                                   
It was found that his heart couldn't take her.              
                                                            
22964 DEATH - SCREWING               Albin Chaplin            



An overachiever named Clay                                  
Would hop on his wife every day.                            
The procedure worked fine                                   
Till he hit sixty-nine:                                     
They brought in the corpse, D.O.A.                          
                                                            
22965 DEATH - SCREWING               Armand E Singer       562



Monica was fucking old Fred,                                
On his geriatrical bed.                                     
And there on his back,                                      
He had a heart attack,                                      
And now the mood was dead!                                  
                                                            
22966 DEATH - SCREWING               Wes                      



Grandpa slept while driving his Nash;                       
The passengers screamed 'fore the crash.                    
May I go in my sleep,                                       
Not in my jeep,                                             
But deep in a moist and warm gash.                          
                                                            
22967 DEATH - SCREWING               Tom Patton          P9504



"Though the sultans were very well hung,"                   
Observed a physician named Chung,                           
"Screwing all of their wives                                
Took years off their lives,                                 
Yet those rulers died happy, if young."                     
                                                            
22968 DEATH - SCREWING               A. N. Wilkins       P8407



The clues were examined with care;                          
The body, the bones and the hair.                           
The sleuth did surmise                                      
That the lady's demise                                      
Was due to a lion or Pierre.                                
                                                            
22969 DEATH - SCREWING               Albin Chaplin   3024-1249



To Sadie, the touch of a male meant                         
An emotional cardiac ailment.                               
An acutemess of breath                                      
Cause her untimely death,                                   
In the course of erotic impalement.                         
                                                            
22970 DEATH - SCREWING                                        



I once knew a fellow called Fred,                           
Took a rather large lady to bed.                            
All went real fine,                                         
Till they tried 69,                                         
And she sat on his face... Now he's dead.                   
                                                            
22971 DEATH - SCREWING                                        



There was a young fellow named Al                           
Who had perished while screwing a gal.                      
Adelaide, I'm afraid,                                       
(That's the maid he had laid)                               
Was an honest-to-God femme fatale.                          
                                                            
22972 DEATH - SCREWING               Isaac Asimov             



A contortionist, eager and nubile,                          
Interlocked with the Duchess of Argyll.                     
At the climactic point                                      
He fractured his joint,                                     
And the Duke had him buried in style.                       
                                                            
22973 DEATH - SCREWING                                   G2716



Another young feminist, Florence,                           
Held all the male sex in abhorrence.                        
She'd take men to bed                                       
And screw them till dead,                                   
And then she'd collect the insurance.                       
                                                            
22974 DEATH - SCREWING               Isaac Asimov        P8112



Farewell to old grandfather Bob.                            
While her grandfather played with his knob                  
She said, "Gramps, will you screw me?"                      
He did, although rheumy,                                    
And snuffed it while still on the job.                      
                                                            
22975 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



She tugged and she heaved to release                        
His enormous great knob from her crease,                    
But it wasn't to be;                                        
Rigor mortis, you see,                                      
Had already re-stiffened his piece.                         
                                                            
22976 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



His soul flew to heaven where God                           
Told him, "Bob?  You're a dirty old sod."                   
"Why, you asshole!" cried Bob,                              
"Couldn't I finish the job?                                 
I was this far from shooting my wad."                       
                                                            
22977 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



"Tough titty!" said God with a grin,                        
"But your dried-up old wife is herein.                      
Though she's starting to smell,                             
She looks awfully well,                                     
Though admittedly ugly as sin."                             
                                                            
22978 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



"She's waited here months for you, son,"                    
Chuckled God, quite enjoying the fun.                       
"Now there's no need to cry;                                
Praise the Lord!  Yes, 'tis I;                              
For eternity's barely begun."                               
                                                            
22979 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



"And here it's all light and manana,                        
A beautiful sexless Nirvana.                                
No Bob, I'm afraid                                          
There's no chance to get laid.                              
Now you don't have an earthly banana."                      
                                                            
22980 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



"But look," giggled God, "Aren't you proud                  
To be one of the heavenly crowd?"                           
"No, I'm fucking pissed!"  "Bob!                            
Shut your cakehole, you slob,                               
And come sit on this cumulus cloud."                        
                                                            
22981 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



"Now Bob dear; there's no need to carp,                     
For at teatime and three o'clock sharp,                     
You'll get lessons in tying                                 
Your halo and flying;                                       
Then later, you'll practice the harp."                      
                                                            
22982 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



"Okay?  Now I'll leave you with Peter.                      
Your wife -- what a sweet senorita.                         
A spare set of wings                                        
And some harps that need strings,                           
While I knobble your granddaughter, Zeta."                  
                                                            
22983 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



Big Bertha threw her man on the bed,                        
And proceeded to suck on the head.                          
She blew him so hard,                                       
That poor old Bernard                                       
Hit the ceiling, ricocheted, and was dead.                  
                                                            
22984 DEATH - SCREWING               Roger Morris             



"So Joe, you are ninety", she said                          
As she humped the poor bugger in bed.                       
And when he went limper                                     
With never a whimper,                                       
She merely assumed he was dead.                             
                                                            
22985 DEATH - SCREWING                                        



A Bavarian dame named Brunhilde,                            
Went to bed with a jerry-built builder.                     
The end of his john                                         
Was so badly put on,                                        
That it snapped in her bladder and killed her.              
                                                            
22986 DEATH - SCREWING                                   L1140



Devoted to sex was old Reese;                               
He constantly screwed without cease;                        
Let me put it with tact.                                    
He succumbed in the act -                                   
Let's pray he may lay down in deep peace.                   
                                                            
22987 DEATH - SCREWING               Armand Singer       P0001



Bill looked at his wife with affection,                     
Which triggered a penile erection;                          
He started to fuck her                                      
When tragedy struck her:                                    
She died from a lethal injection.                           
                                                            
22988 DEATH - SCREWING               Armand E Singer       563



There was an old fellow from Kent,                          
Who on pleasure, was always hell-bent.                      
He fucked far and wide                                      
Till of V.D. he died,                                       
But he claimed that his life was well spent.                
                                                            
22989 DEATH - SCREWING                                   G0628



There once was a fellow named Morris,                       
Who died while servicing Doris.                             
She decided to stay                                         
To finish the lay;                                          
She so much enjoyed rigor mortis.                           
                                                            
22990 DEATH - SCREWING               Jim Weaver Collection    



All young men should take note of the case                  
Where the guy necked his gal at its base.                   
No, the gal did not choke,                                  
But her vertebra broke,                                     
And that was their final embrace.                           
                                                            
22991 DEATH - SCREWING               M. B. Thornton           



Nymphomaniac Mrs. Chalmer                                   
Needed sex from two men just to calm her.                   
The men, a bit younger,                                     
Oh, how they plunged her,                                   
Then called in a licensed embalmer.                         
                                                            
22992 DEATH - SCREWING               Tom Patton          P9603



Shed a tear for those two poor young fuckers,               
Attacked by automatic corn shuckers.                        
Going at it with zeal,                                      
They were ground to cornmeal,                               
And became a new flavor for Smuckers.                       
                                                            
22993 DEATH - SCREWING               Michael Weinstsin   P9402



Used Viagra to give him a hand.                             
Results weren't quite what he planned.                      
Was hot to trot,                                            
But experienced not                                         
Le petit mort but la grand.                                 
                                                            
22994 DEATH - SCREWING               Irish                    



There was an old fellow named Hewing,                       
Whose heart stopped while he was screwing.                  
He gasped, "Really Miss,                                    
Don't feel bad about this.                                  
There's nothing I'd rather die doing."                      
                                                            
22995 DEATH - SCREWING               Anon                G0091



A gold-digging doxy from Darien                             
Laughed at Seth, the old coot she was marryin'.             
On their wedding night Seth                                 
Screwed the poor girl to death--                            
Quite a feat for an octogenarian.                           
                                                            
22996 DEATH - SCREWING                                   G0558



I once had a woman so horning,                              
She'd fuck me all night until morning.                      
But now she is dead;                                        
I blew out her head                                         
And I can't find one now for suborning.                     
                                                            
22997 DEATH - SCREWING               Anon                     



An old army man named of Major                              
Bethought himself quite a fine stager.                      
So he bet a months pay                                      
He'd screw on chick a day:                                  
It killed him and cost him his wager.                       
                                                            
22998 DEATH - SCREWING               Armand E Singer       416



There was a romantic Italian                                
Who conducted himself like a stallion.                      
Too much horsing around                                     
Put him under the ground,                                   
And his tomb is a phallic medallion.                        
                                                            
22999 DEATH - SCREWING                                   G2028



There was a young varlet named Farlet,                      
Who laughed as he raped harlot Scarlet.                     
But his efforts lacked lustre                               
And he died in a fluster,                                   
With the laugh on the face of the harlot.                   
                                                            
23000 DEATH - SCREWING               Albin Chaplin   3024-1508



Young Peter and Pamela Rex                                  
Enjoyed the most peculiar sex.                              
One day in the crypt,                                       
A sarcophagus slipped,                                      
And they ended up breaking their necks.                     
                                                            
23001 DEATH - SCREWING               Peter Wilkins            



To Tessie, the touch of a male meant                        
An emotional cardiac ailment.                               
An acuteness of breath                                      
Caused her ultimate death,                                  
In the course of erotic impalement.                         
                                                            
23002 DEATH - SCREWING               Larry Wilde Lim BookP0112



There was a young lady called Joan                          
Who was killed by her boyfriend's odd bone.                 
His peculiar organ                                          
Was shaped like a Gorgon,                                   
So a single glans turned her to stone.                      
                                                            
23003 DEATH - SCREWING               Steve Pridgeon           



A horny young fellow named Jake                             
Died screwing six sluts by the lake.                        
"Oh dear sainted Jesus,                                     
He did it to please us,"                                    
Sighed those who attended his wake.                         
                                                            
23004 DEATH - SCREWING               Armand E Singer       199



A woman whose spouse was untrue                             
Came home long before she was due.                          
Lingerie on the rug,                                        
Which for her was too snug                                  
For herself, finally gave her a clue.                       
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
23005 DEATH - SCREWING               Jan Gleiter         P9108



Now this was too much to ignore,                            
But she knew how to even the score.                         
She bashed in his head,                                     
Then truthfully said                                        
That he died from a slip on the floor.                      
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
23006 DEATH - SCREWING               Jan Gleiter         P9108



Well at least you did try for awhile                        
To make love in a quality style,                            
You need not feel guilty,                                   
And do not think it filthy,                                 
Your darling lies dead with a smile.                        
                                                            
23007 DEATH - SCREWING                                        



Zeb and most fertile Aggie Lee Swim                         
Had ten kids, all conceived on a whim.                      
Born thirteen months apart,                                 
All thrived well from the start.                            
Ag lived long but it early killed him.                      
                                                            
23008 DEATH - SCREWING               Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



As they laid the young man in his coffin,                   
"There's really no way you can soften                       
The blow", said his wife,                                   
"'Cause poor John lost his life,                            
Through fucking too hard and too often."                    
                                                            
23009 DEATH - SCREWING               CeeJay                   



There once was a maid named Matilda                         
Whose one love in life was a dilda.                         
No batteries in her pocket,                                 
She plugged into a socket;                                  
Though she had a big smile, the thing killed her!           
                                                            
23010 DEATH - SCREWING               The Otter                



To death jumped a harlot of Thrace;                         
Ten stories she jumped into space.                          
She fell square with her hole                               
On a telephone pole,                                        
And she died with a smile on her face.                      
                                                            
23011 DEATH - SCREWING               Albin Chaplin   3024-1910



The P.I. thought she caught a big whiff  (Private           
Of something that caused her to sniff.    investigator)     
In the air a strange smell                                  
Was a mystery as well,                                      
Until she woke up on some stiff.                            
                                                            
23012 DEATH - SCREWING               Anon                     



A feeble old gambler named Phipps                           
Was sure he could take pleasure trips.                      
So he bet an old whore                                      
He could fuck her once more,                                
And he won, but he cashed in his chips.                     
                                                            
23013 DEATH - SCREWING               Albin Chaplin   3024-0294



A negro lay dead in streets mean,                           
With stabs in his back, seventeen.                          
Red-necked sherrif, Bob Hearst,                             
Said, "Boy, this is the worst                               
Case of suicide I've ever seen."                            
                                                            
23014 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



There once was a plane in Nantucket                         
Whose pasgengers all kicked the bucket.                     
The pilot they say                                          
He went the same way --                                     
After takeoff he just thought "Ah, fuck it"                 
                                                            
23015 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



Tied the rope 'round my neck with due care;                 
Wrote the note: "Life is not fair."                         
The last thing in my life                                   
Was the voice of my wife:                                   
"Please take your feet off my chair!"                       
                                                            
23016 DEATH - SUICIDE                Herkin                   



The crypt of Elizabeth Bains                                
Is spattered with dark, scarlet stains;                     
They cascade down her tomb                                  
Like they did in her room,                                  
On the night she blew out her brains.                       
                                                            
23017 DEATH - SUICIDE                Cap'n bean          P0201



A horse-racing man in Kentucky                              
Backed a novice to win, which was plucky.                   
It lost by a head                                           
So he shot himself dead.                                    
Oh well! You can't always be lucky.                         
                                                            
23018 DEATH - SUICIDE                John Dole           P9705



Suicide's fun to the grain!                                 
Clears your head when your going insane!                    
There's only one trouble                                    
(Not to burst your bubble)                                  
You cannot commit it again.                                 
                                                            
23019 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



My life I so horribly dread,                                
I'm waving a gun at my head;                                
I've left you this note,                                    
Now I'll aim at my throat;                                  
Tomorrow you'll find me here dead.                          
                                                            
23020 DEATH - SUICIDE                Cap'n Bean          P0010



Well, you'd lift our spirits old son,                       
By aiming the point of a gun,                               
An inch from your ear.                                      
You'd not hear the cheer                                    
But all of us here would have fun.                          
                                                            
23021 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



There once was a fellow named Scott                         
Who was not your everyday sot.                              
He drank gasoline                                           
Mixed with pure kerosene                                    
And he's dead now, believe it or not.                       
                                                            
23022 DEATH - SUICIDE                Margaret A. Murdock P8404



There was a young man from Newcastle,                       
Who decided that life was a hassle.                         
He drove off a cliff                                        
While smoking a spiff;                                      
He landed right on me, the asshole!                         
                                                            
23023 DEATH - SUICIDE                Anon                     



You asshole, you ain't got no friend;                       
Go stick your dumb head 'round the bend                     
Of that clever device                                       
In your bathroom; be nice                                   
And make of yourself a quick end.                           
                                                            
23024 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



Down the drug path for years he had trod,                   
On a spacey perpetual nod.                                  
He pumped stuff in a vein,                                  
And he'd never complain,                                    
But he's now a real "son of the sod."                       
                                                            
23025 DEATH - SUICIDE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



Men, beware of the fate of poor Ted,                        
Whose best work was all done in bed.                        
Though he never complained,                                 
His heart became strained,                                  
And now he's exceedingly dead.                              
                                                            
23026 DEATH - SUICIDE                Prob Henry Miller   P0309



He was reading, when out went the light,                    
So he looked for a fuse, quite uptight.                     
But he didn't have any,                                     
So he used an old penny.                                    
The pyre smoldered well into the night.                     
                                                            
23027 DEATH - SUICIDE                William N Nesbit    P9902



Said Joe, with a sniff, "It's incredible!                   
You're saying this stuff is inedible?"                      
Then he gulped down a dish                                  
Of roast venemous fish...                                   
His demise, no surprise, still regrettable.                 
                                                            
23028 DEATH - SUICIDE                Kira                     



A poet whose name was Marie                                 
Took her life when she hung from a tree;                    
The message she wrote,                                      
In her suicide note,                                        
Was as eloquent as it could be.                             
                                                            
23029 DEATH - SUICIDE                Cap'n Bean          P0106



A fellow about to be wed                                    
Said, "Perhaps I'd be better off dead;                      
My fiancee's a witch                                        
And her mother's a bitch."                                  
Then he shot himself square in the head.                    
                                                            
23030 DEATH - SUICIDE                Cap'n Bean          P0308



There once was a girl from Malaysia,                        
Who suffered a case of ephasia.                             
She begged and she pleaded                                  
For her brain--how it bleeded.                              
Gun in hand, spent her youth in Asia.   (Euthanasia)        
                                                            
23031 DEATH - SUICIDE                R. Lieberman-Hupp        



Inquisitive Jeremy Knox                                     
Attached crocodile clips to his rocks;                      
To the crocodile clips,                                     
He wired thin copper strips,                                
Which in turn he attached to a box.                         
                                                            
23032 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



Thus Knox (seeking ultimate sex)                            
Was attached to the fuse-box by flex.                       
In excitement he sighed;                                    
Threw the on-switch and fried,                              
Until all that was left was his specs.                      
                                                            
23033 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



There was a young girl from Estonia,                        
Who walked, wearing just one begonia,                       
Across arctic wastes,                                       
(No accounting for taste).                                  
She died very soon of pneumonia.                            
                                                            
23034 DEATH - SUICIDE                Tiddy Ogg                



Her dress code, at least, was emphatic,                     
Those artic walks, though, were sporadic;                   
But she should take pride                                   
In how she soon died:                                       
Her death could have come from pneumatic.                   
                                                            
23035 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



Bruce was a real loose goose;                               
He once had sex with a moose.                               
With some cum in the ear,                                   
Then in the rear,                                           
He decided to hang with a noose!                            
                                                            
23036 DEATH - SUICIDE                Jim Weaver Collection    



To death will his plane carry Hari.                         
No parachute does Hari carry                                
And all Hari has                                            
Is just enough gas                                          
To BANZAI and then hari kari.                               
                                                            
23037 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P8406



When Madame Butterfly, half crazed,                         
Her unrequited love appraised,                              
"A young wife from USA!                                     
So no more ONE FINE DAY..."                                 
As slowly she a knife upraised...                           
                                                            
23038 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9307



There was a young man from Japan,                           
Who no one was handsomer than.                              
But his future he scored                                    
With a samurai sword.                                       
Now there's half a young man in Japan.                      
                                                            
23039 DEATH - SUICIDE                Laurence Perrine    P9407



"Please marry me, Mary," said Larry.                        
Said Mary, "It's Harry I'll marry".                         
Said Larry to Mary,                                         
"If you marry Harry                                         
I'm going to commit Hari-kari".                             
                                                            
23040 DEATH - SUICIDE                Ray E. Gessler           



A gardener by name Herbie Wyde                              
Took a large spray gun curbside.                            
On the slightest of whim,                                   
He done himself in.                                         
A clear case of his herbicide.                              
                                                            
23041 DEATH - SUICIDE                Tom Patton          P9806



A man called Mad Dan McGrew                                 
Was boiling a cauldron of stew.                             
For no reason at all,                                       
He dove in, clothes and all.                                
Now if he can--why then can't you?                          
                                                            
23042 DEATH - SUICIDE                Michael Palin            



There was a young lad name of Ward,                         
Who strung himself up wit a cord.                           
Said he, of his work,                                       
(Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)                          
"I am leaving because I am bored."                          
                                                            
23043 DEATH - SUICIDE                E A Guest                



There is nothing quite like the color red;                  
It was all around me in bed.                                
I was discovered --                                         
But then I recovered --                                     
I'd slit wrists and hoped to be dead!                       
                                                            
23044 DEATH - SUICIDE                Jim Weaver Collection    



The delusional maid, Alice Dredge,                          
She leaped to her death from a ledge,                       
As her mind went insane                                     
With a lemony brain,                                        
From inhaling the vapors of Pledge.                         
                                                            
23045 DEATH - SUICIDE                Cap'n Bean          P0209



"Decisions! Decisions!" screamed Clive                      
While climbing to floor twenty-five.                        
Which window? A ledge.                                      
He stands at the edge.                                      
"I'm jumping...or maybe I'll dive."                         
                                                            
23046 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior    P9201 



Our language has fucked up his brain,                       
And caused him to jump off the train.                       
He's far too strait-laced                                   
And likely po-faced --    (po-faced ???)                    
I hope he is washed down the drain.                         
                                                            
23047 DEATH - SUICIDE                Archie                   



A pain-ridden patient named Brett                           
Kept begging, "Kevorkian get."                              
His dear wife said, "No.                                    
That's no way to go,                                        
Until we've tried Russian Roulette."                        
                                                            
23048 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9902



It's either Kevorkian get                                   
Or else it is Russian Roulette.                             
One reason to linger --                                     
You can't raise a finger.                                   
Arthritis has too deeply set.                               
                                                            
23049 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9902



Whenever excessive the pain,                                
Two options will always remain.                             
However you'll say                                          
There's only one way --                                     
Kevorkian beats Novocain.                                   
                                                            
23050 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9902



The wife of Kevorkian said,                                 
"Whenever I'm sleeping in bed,                              
If slow is my breath,                                       
I'm that close to death.                                    
So I let him sleep first instead.                           
                                                            
23051 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9902



Then up spoke Kevorkian's Ma,                               
"He blocked the exhaust of my car.                          
The kid was a brat.                                         
Played darts with the cat,                                  
Put needles in the jock strap of Pa."                       
                                                            
23052 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9902



Then up spoke Kevorkian's spouse,                           
"...And then he un-buttoned my blouse;                      
The telephone rings;                                        
He grabs up his things;                                     
And then he King Kongs out the house."                      
                                                            
23053 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9902



Then up spoke Kevorkian's Dad,                              
"An otherwise normal type lad.                              
Then, PUBLICITY!                                            
Them, half blaming me!                                      
A condom, I wish I had had."                                
                                                            
23054 DEATH - SUICIDE                Irving Superior     P9902



Bibs, diapers, and soft food, so bland;                     
For some who can't speak, hear, or stand.                   
The Kevorkian way                                           
I may use some day;                                         
A double on the rocks, in each hand!                        
                                                            
23055 DEATH - SUICIDE                Maggie                   



There was a young man from Newcastle,                       
Who decided that life was a hassle.                         
He drove off a point                                        
While smoking a joint,                                      
And then landed on me, the big asshole.                     
                                                            
23056 DEATH - SUICIDE                Anon                     



The last guy on Earth said: "I'll fling                     
Myself out this window and bring                            
Mankind to an end."                                         
But as he descend-                                          
Ed, the telephone bell gave a ring.                         
                                                            
23057 DEATH - SUICIDE                Tiddy                    



A Frenchman named Didier Brume                              
Had a clear premonition of doom.                            
So, to hasten his death,                                    
He just held his breath,                                    
And lay, all alone, on a tomb.                              
                                                            
23058 DEATH - SUICIDE                Michael Palin            



There was an old man who averred                            
He had learned to fly like a bird.                          
Cheered by thousands of people,                             
He leapt from the steeple;                                  
The tomb states the date it occurred.                       
                                                            
23059 DEATH - SUICIDE                Anon                     



There once was a young man of Seoul                         
Who yearned for an historic role...                         
Finding nothing to do                                       
That was shocking or new,                                   
He drowned in a makkoli bowl.                               
                                                            
23060 DEATH - SUICIDE                Chosun Limericks    P0209



The jumper remained quite aloof,                            
Gazing down on the crowd from the roof:                     
"Should I try suicide                                       
Or just go and hide,                                        
And pretend it was only a spoof?"                           
                                                            
23061 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



An existentialist, weary of care,                           
Jumped over a cliff in despair.                             
Cried his ghost, "I exist!                                  
So the mind does persist!                                   
Though I feel rather airy and bare."                        
                                                            
23062 DEATH - SUICIDE                Cyd                      



We lament that old drunkard of Michigan                     
As he fought to sustain his last wishigan.                  
Not a drop did he waste                                     
As he died, undisgraced --                                  
"I refuse absolutely to pishigan!"                          
                                                            
23063 DEATH - SUICIDE                Keith MacMillan     A065A



"Daughter wrote me a letter," said Pelf.                    
"Her husband went hunting in Delf.                          
If the vowel that I show                                    
In this word is an O,                                       
Then the man in her life, shot himself.                     
                                                            
23064 DEATH - SUICIDE                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young man named Doug,                      
And one day he said with a shrug,                           
"I'm sick of it here,"                                      
And he jumped off the pier,                                 
And a rude little wavelet said "glug!"                      
                                                            
23065 DEATH - SUICIDE                John Blyth               



A despondent young fellow named Huff                        
Found his problems were getting too tough.                  
So he said, in a tiff,                                      
"I will jump from a cliff,"                                 
But they found it was only a bluff.                         
                                                            
23066 DEATH - SUICIDE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2622



A woman whose name was Lorraine,                            
Jumped out of the door of a plane;                          
Her descent was so long                                     
And her impact so strong,                                   
It produced an incredible stain.                            
                                                            
23067 DEATH - SUICIDE                Cap'n Bean               



A desperate man was called Ted;                             
He wanted to make himself dead.                             
Not feeling so fine                                         
Called Suicide Online;                                      
"Circuits busy, please wait," they all said.                
                                                            
23068 DEATH - SUICIDE                D'Arcy                   



There once was a woman named Dido,                          
Who loved Aeneas, who said "Right-oh."                      
But then he left                                            
And she felt bereft,                                        
And that is the reason she died-O.                          
                                                            
23069 DEATH - SUICIDE                Roberta Klarreich        



Suicide is fun to commit,                                   
To escape when your life's in a shit.                       
If you're not fond of pain,                                 
Don't blow out your brains,                                 
Just jump into a quicksand pit.                             
                                                            
23070 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



A South African farmer called Ted                           
Attacked a brick wall with his head.                        
The blow could be felt                                      
All over the veldt,                                         
And in less than an hour he was dead.                       
                                                            
23071 DEATH - SUICIDE                Michael Palin            



Psychiatrists I must deride.                                
They're all full of ego and snide.                          
Couldn't cure my depression                                 
In only one session,                                        
Said, "In your case I recommend suicide."                   
                                                            
23072 DEATH - SUICIDE                                         



A frustrated man without hope                               
With tension no longer could cope.                          
When they found the poor wreck                              
He was hung by the neck,                                    
With his tension transferred to the rope.                   
                                                            
23073 DEATH - SUICIDE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2618



To die by the rope, tried young Lang;                       
Goodbye to the world, then he sang.                         
He had bought some rope strong,                             
But they cut it too long.                                   
If they gave him less rope, he would hang.                  
                                                            
23074 DEATH - SUICIDE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2654



Two moribund men from Malaysia                              
Slept so much they could not have been lazier.              
Now the creeping malaise                                    
Of those sleeping Malays                                    
Was eventually self-euthanasia.                             
                                                            
23075 DEATH - SUICIDE                Dick Hedger              



There is nothing like the color red;                        
'Twas around as I lay on the bed.                           
Then I was discovered,                                      
And then I recovered;                                       
Slit my wrists and hoped to be dead.                        
                                                            
23076 DEATH - SUICIDE                Sadman              T9711



Poor Stanley Kowalski was vexed                             
When he found his sweet wife being sexed.                   
He stood by the bed                                         
With the gun at his head,                                   
Shouting, "Don't you dare laugh, 'cause you're next!"       
                                                            
23077 DEATH - SUICIDE                Arthur Deex         P8301



An innocent maiden named Herridge,                          
Was cruelly tricked into marriage;                          
When she later fond out                                     
What her spouse was about,                                  
She threw herself under a carriage.                         
                                                            
23078 DEATH - SUICIDE                Edward Gorey             



A fey Scottish lassie called Hilda                          
Lived alone on the isle of St. Kilda.                       
"Where skuas can fly,"                                      
Said she, "So can I."                                       
And she dived from the cliff-top.  It killed her.           
                                                            
23079 DEATH - SUICIDE                Odd Bodkins         P0106



A gloomy young fellow named Pat                             
Found living unbearably flat.                               
So he looked for a gun                                      
And when he found one,                                      
He shot himself -- so that was that.                        
                                                            
23080 DEATH - SUICIDE                Glen Hughes         P0201



A thirsty old woman named Nell                              
Was too lazy to walk to the well.                           
To drink water again,                                       
She would wait for the rain,                                
But succumbed when the rain never fell.                     
                                                            
23081 DEATH - SUICIDE                Warrick Elrod            



He wanted a game of roulette;                               
If he lost, he'd be deeper in debt.                         
The ball went around;                                       
His hopes fell to the ground;                               
He shot himself before the next bet.                        
                                                            
23082 DEATH - SUICIDE                Arthur Pattaffy          



A master of manual abuse                                    
Tried jerking himself with a noose.                         
He died in the spasm                                        
Of prolonged orgasm,                                        
Refusing to turn himself loose.                             
                                                            
23083 DEATH - SUICIDE                Dick Buenger        P8412



A little old man named R. Shotwell                          
Whose doctor told him he was not well                       
Then then promised his money                                
To some cute young Honey;                                   
To Honey's dismay, Shotwell got well.                       
                                                            
23084 DEATH - WILLS                  Marlene Lewis            



Annabelle Lee said, "Edgar, it's true,                      
In my will I've left nothing to you.                        
Your blatantly craven                                       
Affair with that raven,                                     
You will come someday to greatly rue."                      
                                                            
23085 DEATH - WILLS                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9801



Poe replied, "You're mistaken, Miss Lee.                    
You have left me a rich legacy,                             
Although I must confess                                     
I'd have done it for less.                                  
You've bequeathed me a rare S T D."                         
(S T D - sexually transmitted disease)                      
23086 DEATH - WILLS                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9801



Those ingrates to whom you relate                           
Hope to benefit from your estate.                           
Be a rational bloke                                         
And conspire to die broke.                                  
Enjoy life, now, before it's too late!                      
                                                            
23087 DEATH - WILLS                                           



A wily old man -- his name? -- Bill,                        
Had in his pocket a will.                                   
To save family time                                         
And to keep every dime,                                     
He ground himself up in a mill.                             
                                                            
23088 DEATH - WILLS                  Jan Ross                 



The will in the pocket of Bill                              
Was ground up in this paper mill.                           
As they now bide their time,                                
The family ain't fine                                       
As they search, still in vain, for the will.                
                                                            
23089 DEATH - WILLS                  Jan Ross                 



At first I hear this pitter patter,                         
Then I hear a loud resounding clatter;                      
That will cost a nice sum;                                  
From the will it will come;                                 
So what the heck, it doesn't matter.                        
                                                            
23090 DEATH - WILLS                  Ralph T Rehwoldt    P2005



As the hearse made its way down the street,                 
The only sound was the sound of friend's feet!              
As they wended their way,                                   
(They all felt they must stay),                             
In his will he'd left them a last treat.                    
                                                            
23091 DEATH - WILLS                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Here lies Betty Symthe Birch                                
She suddenly went with a lurch.                             
She had pots of money,                                      
But this sure isn't funny;                                  
She left the whole lot to the Church!                       
                                                            
23092 DEATH - WILLS                                           



Of long Johns I have not had my fill;                       
Likewise of Johns, Bernie or Bill."                         
Said the hooker named Ruth,                                 
Adding, "To tell the truth,                                 
Some Johns scare me. I've made my last Will."               
                                                            
23093 DEATH - WILLS                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9801



When I'm dead, it is not my concern                         
Just where they deliver my urn.                             
I'll leave all my loot                                      
In my cremation suit.                                       
They'll say I had money to burn.                            
                                                            
23094 DEATH - WILLS                  Al Willis           P9801



A wealthy old codger named Gil                              
Cut his nephew Bill from the will.                          
But a shyster with skill                                    
Said, "M'boy, there's hope still.                           
Bill, I'll nil Gil's will for a mil."                       
                                                            
23095 DEATH - WILLS                  skywriterpress      P2006



The probate judge was Roadkill Jill;                        
Shyster lawyers she did love to grill.                      
Then nephew Bill gave her a thrill,                         
A treasury bill and a daffodil,                             
They party together over on the hill.                       
                                                            
23096 DEATH - WILLS                  Lynn Mostafa             



For the three of them, life was all cream,                  
But their menage-a-trois ran out of steam.                  
They spent all the money --                                 
Now isn't that funny.                                       
Uncle's Gil's ghost thinks it's a scream!                   
                                                            
23097 DEATH - WILLS                  Lynn Mostafa             



That unprincipled shyster, Mr Phil Ing,                     
Hoping to restore his fortunes, God willing,                
Wrote a book; it was swill;                                 
Mostly run-of-the-mill                                      
Lies.  But then he made a killing.                          
                                                            
23098 DEATH - WILLS                  Lynn Mostafa             



What Phil said about nephew Bill                            
Made the judge and the jury quite ill.                      
He perjured with glee                                       
And forced poor Bill to flee;                               
Now he's holed up out near old Knoxville.                   
                                                            
23099 DEATH - WILLS                  Lynn Mostafa             



Now, Jill ain't no Herman Melville                          
And her screenplay was strictly dullsville.                 
But with sex in the plot,                                   
And star-power they've bought,                              
Oscar's a shoe-in, Mr DeMille.                              
                                                            
23100 DEATH - WILLS                  Lynn Mostafa             



My heirs are expecting a thrill                             
When finally they hear my last will.                        
But I'm blowing the lot                                     
On booze, dames, and pot,                                   
So there's going to be nil in the till.                     
                                                            
23101 DEATH - WILLS                  Norm Storer         P9806



A conservative prime aspiration                             
Is to curb the estate's confiscation;                       
Put assessments on hold                                     
When the body grows cold!                                   
No taxation without respiration!                            
                                                            
23102 DEATH - WILLS                  William N Newbit         



I'm hounded and hassled by heirs;                           
Already, they're fighting for shares.                       
But I'm just too sly --                                     
I'm not going to die --                                     
So (heh-heh) they'll never get theirs.                      
                                                            
23103 DEATH - WILLS                  Norm Storer         P9806



As I exit from this mortal coil,                            
And leave all the Earthly turmoil,                          
I head for Boothill,                                        
And I signed my last will.                                  
I do hope my body won't spoil.                              
                                                            
23104 DEATH - WILLS                  Al Willis           P9801



To my son, I leave one pocket knife.                        
To my daughter, my old high-school fife.                    
My cash goes to creditors                                   
And limerick editors.                                       
All my poems I bequeath to my wife.                         
                                                            
23105 DEATH - WILLS                  Al Willis           P9801



The fancier cruises are sold                                
To those who are wealthy and old;                           
Whose vision of bliss                                       
Requires only this:                                         
That they hold on to most of their gold.                    
                                                            
23106 DEATH - WILLS                                           



The fur that he left, a chinchilla,                         
Was meant for his lover, Priscilla.                         
Mary Anne thought that she                                  
Would get it, home-free,                                    
But it was spelled out in the willa.                        
                                                            
23107 DEATH - WILLS                  Al Willis          TP9804



They all claimed to be kin of Pierre's,                     
As they gathered to get what was theirs.                    
An obvious chill                                            
As the judge read the will;                                 
A typical case of splitting heirs.                          
                                                            
23108 DEATH - WILLS                  Observer                 



They found old Flintskin Misercamp dead,                    
And his last will and testament read:                       
"Put my wealth in a basket,                                 
Place it inside my casket;                                  
I'm taking it with me," it said.                            
                                                            
23109 DEATH - WILLS                  Bill Newbit         P9801



There once was a guy named Bill,                            
Who died without making a will;                             
His big country estate                                      
Is now in probate,                                          
Leaving nothing for his daughter, Jill.                     
                                                            
23110 DEATH - WILLS                                           



I'll have only a few thankless heirs,                       
So I've started to sell off my shares.                      
I'm the kind of a bloke                                     
Who would like to die broke.                                
Will my heirs be unhappy?  Who cares!                       
                                                            
23111 DEATH - WILLS                  William N Nesbit    P0106



Dilatory attorney, Tom Vance,                               
Who regarded all deadlines askance,                         
Said, "God, I'm not prepared                                
For Probate to be spared,                                   
So just grant me a continuance."                            
                                                            
23112 DEATH - WILLS                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9801



Your grandpa has gone now, my dears,                        
Of his carping and moaning and sneers,                      
We are now bereft.                                          
On what he has left,                                        
We'll all be in clover for years.                           
                                                            
23113 DEATH - WILLS                                           



He wrote his will late in the day,                          
Right after a roll in the hay.                              
When asked, "Did you pay?"                                  
Then all he could say                                       
Was, "Where there's a will, there's a way."                 
                                                            
23114 DEATH - WILLS                  Al Willis           P9801



I left all my dough to my Dad,                              
My will, without doubt, iron-clad.                          
My car goes to Chris,                                       
My sweet little Sis.                                        
My Mom when she heard, was quite mad.                       
                                                            
23115 DEATH - WILLS                  Al Willis           P9801



I'm not sure that this story's a fake.                      
Could be history has made a mistake.                        
But in Adam's last will,                                    
He left one dollar bill                                     
To Eve, plus a very tired snake.                            
                                                            
23116 DEATH - WILLS                  Al Willis           P9801



A miner, testate, died one day.                             
Bequeathed gold to a young girl named Mae.                  
Left ten tons of ore                                        
But not any more;                                           
Proving where there's a will, there's a weigh.              
                                                            
23117 DEATH - WILLS                  Tom Patton          P9801



In his pants a young man from Cancun                        
Had a bulge that made all the girls swoon.                  
On closer inspection                                        
His massive erection                                        
Turned out to be just a balloon.                            
                                                            
23118 DILDOES                        Ceejay                   



Just what kinds of toys have you got,                       
In that suitcase that makes me so hot?                      
Are they latex or rubber?                                   
Maybe plastic or flubber?                                   
And are batteries included, or not?                         
                                                            
23119 DILDOES                        Faerie                   



My mind was in torment; a jumble                            
Of thoughts as I gave her a fumble.                         
She said, "Don't be silly;                                  
I don't need your willy."                                   
I started to mutter and mumble.                             
                                                            
23120 DILDOES                                                 



"Why not?" I enquired with a grumble,                       
(For still I was up for a tumble).                          
In answer she said,                                         
"I use dildos instead;                                      
They don't lose their tumescence and crumble."              
                                                            
23121 DILDOES                                                 



Two dildoes she slid from her cush,                         
Saying "Al, won't you fondle my tush?"                      
A bird in the hand                                          
Of a dirty old man,                                         
Is worth more than two in the bush.                         
                                                            
23122 DILDOES                        Al Willis                



Before all these limericks are banned,                      
I'm thinking I must reprimand.                              
When speaking of tush,                                      
A push in the bush                                          
Is worth more than two in the hand.                         
                                                            
23123 DILDOES                        Rusty Smith              



There was a young lass in Amarillo,                         
Who had only used her new dildo.                            
Until she met Flynn                                         
With his cock of skin,                                      
Her dildo's unused on her pillow.                           
                                                            
23124 DILDOES                                                 



Five gay fellows sauntered into                             
A sex store to buy dildoes anew.                            
When the clerk asked "How many?"                            
The lead hen, named Kenny,                                  
Crowed, "A cock-a-dude'll do!"                              
                                                            
23125 DILDOES                        Ogden Nield              



There once was a young man from Crewe,                      
Made a cranial dildo with glue.                             
All the men took a piss                                     
But the women'd not miss                                    
What they could get from a man with two.                    
                                                            
23126 DILDOES                        Anon                     



An elderly playboy whose prick                              
Was bent double from coming too quick,                      
Still could fuck unabashed--                                
No one knew it was smashed--                                
A custom-made dildo did the trick.                          
                                                            
23127 DILDOES                                            G2190



His sex DIDACTIC, she's stoic,                              
And he lacked tool size heroic.                             
She left him at last,                                       
Now lives a life fast,                                      
Complete with a love thats dildoic.                         
                                                            
23128 DILDOES                        Chris Papa               



Ninety six is a number supreme!                             
Arse to arse is to some folk a dream.                       
With both parties bended,                                   
A dildo (two ended),                                        
And liberal helpings of cream.                              
                                                            
23129 DILDOES                        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a gay Countess of Dufferin,                       
One night while her husband was covering,                   
Just to chafe him a bit,                                    
She said, "You old shit,                                    
I can buy a dildo for a sovereign."                         
(Published 1870)                                            
23130 DILDOES                                            L1268



I have this prosthetic device;                              
It exceeds the norm maybe thrice.                           
Bought one and a spare                                      
But no feeling is there;                                    
It was hardly worth the huge price.                         
                                                            
23131 DILDOES                        Frank                    



The dildo seems perfect to me;                              
A rare case of simplicity.                                  
Just strap on a boner                                       
Whene'er you're a loner,                                    
And soon you'll feel heavenly.                              
                                                            
23132 DILDOES                                                 



There was a young fellow at Jesus                           
Who developed a phallic prosthesis.                         
He made use of this tool                                    
To thoroughly fool                                          
All girls who were known as P.T.'s's,                       
                                                            
23133 DILDOES                                            L1707



I was thinking of using a dildo,                            
Or maybe giving a nice 'blow'.                              
Though I could not lose,                                    
I just couldn't choose                                      
Just what to give the old 'ho'.                             
                                                            
23134 DILDOES                        The Goddess              



Dildoes are touchy at best,                                 
But they'll not let you down at the crest.                  
First, jiggled and twisted,                                 
Then rapidly fisted,                                        
They'll outlast ten peckers if pressed.                     
                                                            
23135 DILDOES                        53-MERC                  



A Lesbian on a divan,                                       
Her backside with dildo did ram.                            
She shuddered and shook,                                    
And all of it took,                                         
Just like a gay man in the can!                             
                                                            
23136 DILDOES                        Mad Max                  



A scientist pervert named Shaver                            
Was viewed by her friends with disfavor.                    
Though confessing she erred:                                
For deep frozen turd                                        
As surrogate penis lacks flavor.                            
                                                            
23137 DILDOES                        Armand E Singer       753



A lesbian just out of jail                                  
Was asked how she managed for tail.                         
She said, "Up inside Holloway                               
Putting dildos away,                                        
A miss is as good as a male!"                               
(Holloway Prison)                                           
23138 DILDOES                                           G2734a



That Humpity-Bumpity noise                                  
Is Sarah and her brand-new toys.                            
Her headboard is loose.                                     
She makes no excuse,                                        
As her bedroom wall it destroys.                            
                                                            
23139 DILDOES                        Marlene Lewis            



There's a question designed to perplex:                     
What's better than mechanical sex?                          
I've searched high and low;                                 
Seems I've lost my dildo!                                   
Now I'm in a horrible vex!                                  
                                                            
23140 DILDOES                        Jennifer            T9712



An uncanny inventor named Dade                              
Made a gadget to give an old maid                           
The same powerful thrill                                    
That a turgid male will...                                  
And it'll also make swell lelmonade.                        
                                                            
23141 DILDOES                        Grand Prix Lim  185      



Young Jenny is not at all narrow;                           
In fact she is like a wheel barrow.                         
A banana won't do --                                        
Too thin, cucumber too.                                     
She needs something the size of a marrow!                   
                                                            
23142 DILDOES                                                 



The dildo, it seems clear to me,                            
Could use some new technology.                              
Some software embedded                                      
Is right where we're headed!                                
(I'm ready to lead R & D...)                                
                                                            
23143 DILDOES                                                 



"Oh mummy I'm frightened to play                            
With my willy,"  "But why? It's OK".                        
She replied. Said the lad,                                  
"Look what happened to Dad!"                                
And she laughed, "That's my dildo, I say."                  
                                                            
23144 DILDOES                                                 



For those who liked Igor bombastic,                         
They must have had minds quite elastic.                     
What this man did connive                                   
Only few could survive,                                     
Unless armed with appliances plastic.                       
                                                            
23145 DILDOES                        Albin Chaplin            



All you housewives, so horny and bored,                     
There's a door-to-door salesman named Ford,                 
Selling sex toys fantastic;                                 
So get out your plastic;                                    
He'll fit you himself, as reward!                           
                                                            
23146 DILDOES                        Allen Wolverton          



A virgin by name of Miss Prim                               
Is exceedingly ugly and grim;                               
But she still gets her joys                                 
In the absence of boys                                      
For the toys she employs in her quim.                       
                                                            
23147 DILDOES                        Peter Wilkins            



A Deputy District Inspector                                 
Whose tool had turned out a defector,                       
Deceived his best half                                      
With a nudge and a laugh,                                   
For years with his RADAR detector.                          
                                                            
23148 DILDOES                        Arthur Deex         P9401



My girlfriend did finally admit to me                       
That she wants to strap on a dick to me.                    
So when in hot clinches,                                    
She gets more than three inches,                            
Or else she will not feed her clit to me.                   
                                                            
23149 DILDOES                        F Ormatsee               



So I seek a twelve-incher (in plastic)                      
That's held on with string or elastic.                      
And if it fits fine,                                        
I'll wear it all the time,                                  
So's to feel like a king, not a spastic.                    
                                                            
23150 DILDOES                        F Ormatsee               



The secent of the dildoes of Tish                           
Engendered her cat with the wish                            
That her toys, for thrills,                                 
Had scales, fins, and gills --                              
Instead of just smelling like fish!                         
                                                            
23151 DILDOES                        Travis                   



The anatomy teacher, Miss Wales,                            
Remarked, "Girls, we are missing two flails.                
It's a puzzle no doubt                                      
Why they'd be smuggled out,                                 
When we've masses of willing young males..."                
                                                            
23152 DILDOES                        Grand Prix Lim  178      



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee                                     
Just received her divorce decree.                           
So to get through the day                                   
With no one to lay,                                         
Bought a dildo the size of a tree!                          
                                                            
23153 DILDOES                        Jeeves                   



Said a bibulous bull dyke named Hahn,                       
"Though a dildo is really a con,                            
It seems less of a joke                                     
If I'm drunk when I poke,                                   
Which is why I keep tying one on."                          
                                                            
23154 DILDOES                                                 



Young Matilda's twin brother Matildo,                       
Made his sister's life wholly fulfilled-o.                  
He knew it was sin                                          
To stick his dick in,                                       
So instead he just stuck in a dildo.                        
                                                            
23155 DILDOES                                                 



There was a young lady of Lima                              
Whose life was as fast as a steamer.                        
She played dirty tricks                                     
With a large crucifix                                       
Till the spunk trickled right down her femur.               
                                                            
23156 DILDOES                        Aubrey Beardsley    P8809



I said, as she frigged fast and furious,                    
"Gwen? Please forgive me, I'm curious.                      
Dildos that wide                                            
And that long inside,                                       
Are surely to goodness injurious."                          
                                                            
23157 DILDOES                                                 



"Most certainly not", panted Gwen,                          
As she frigged herself using a twen-                        
ty inch dildo and grunt-                                    
ed, "My cavernous cunt                                      
Can accommodate thousands of them."                         
                                                            
23158 DILDOES                                                 



A near-riot occurred when Miss Gore                         
Asked for some male parts in a store.                       
Looking somewhat askance,                                   
The clerk came in his pants,                                
While escorting Miss Gore to the door.                      
                                                            
23159 DILDOES                        Grand Prix Lim  719      



There was a young lady named Alice,                         
Who purchased a hard-rubber phallus.                        
Since she learned its perfections,                          
She shuns doctors' inspections.                             
It is such an odd place for a callus.                       
                                                            
23160 DILDOES                                            L1701



Lucinda, in tub with her loofah,                            
And sticks the thing right up her doofah.                   
And why this strange sex?                                   
Most men she rejects,                                       
And each one she dates is a poofah.                         
                                                            
23161 DILDOES                        Tiddy Ogg                



And Annie, now 90, from Fife,                               
A spinster and never a wife,                                
If asked about men,                                         
Cackles, "Menfolk, ye ken,                                  
Come and go, but a loofah's for life."                      
                                                            
23162 DILDOES                        Peter Wilkins            



'Tis said that prosthetic device                            
Is what makes a lady feel nice.                             
So you'll have to deal                                      
With how it makes her feel,                                 
And she's bound to come back more than twice.               
                                                            
23163 DILDOES                        Frank                    



Young Jilly was feeling quite ill;                          
"What's the problem?" asked doctor of Jill.                 
"I'm a veggie and use                                       
For my pleasure just cu's                                   
And asparagus tips for a thrill."                           
                                                            
23164 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                       



Said Mary, "When I am in heat,                              
I pull up and boil a big beet;                              
Slide back its skin                                         
And slip it right in,                                       
Still warm.  And does it feel neat!"                        
                                                            
23165 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



"Now frankly, I do prefer meat                              
From Jon, SFA...Even Pete!                                  
But mom gives me hell;                                      
She reads AJL,                                              
And says the whole crew's indiscreet.                       
                                                            
23166 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



I once went to the midwest,                                 
'Cause I heard Iowans were best.                            
Their plump juicy sweet,                                    
Corn stalks can't be beat.                                  
His buttered cob knobbed me with zest!                      
                                                            
23167 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                       



Young Nancy, who hardly is shy,                             
Said, "Watch me! I'll show you how I                        
Find stroking my knob                                       
With a warm buttered cob                                    
More fun than your average guy!"                            
                                                            
23168 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



I watched and I came in my shorts,                          
And Nancy, 'midst deriding snorts                           
Said, "See what I mean?                                     
It's disgusing to clean                                     
And why do you make it in quarts?"                          
                                                            
23169 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



There was a young girl of Naupactus                         
Who had an affair with a cactus.                            
She changed her mind quick                                  
When she felt a small prick,                                
And escaped with her honor 'intactus'.                      
                                                            
23170 DILDOES - BOTANIC              George Seferis      T9707



There was a young girl of Naupactus                         
Who had an affair with a cactus;                            
And the record for fitting                                  
In pricks at one sitting,                                   
Without benefit of much practice.                           
                                                            
23171 DILDOES - BOTANIC              George Seferis      T9707



There was a young widow named Alice                         
Who lived in the desert near Dallas.                        
Each day, just for practice,                                
She'd gather up cactus,                                     
And use them instead of a phallus.                          
                                                            
23172 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                  G2074



A lustful old widow named Parrot                            
Would sneak up the stairs to her garret,                    
Where hidden from view,                                     
Each evening anew,                                          
She climaxed herself with a carrot.                         
                                                            
23173 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Armand E Singer       942



A passionate schoolgirl named Parrott                       
Made indiscreet use of a carrot.                            
Said her mother, "When through,                             
Throw it into the stew;                                     
We've got so darned few, we can't spare it."                
                                                            
23174 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                  G2180



An ingenious maiden named Garrett,                          
For a new aide-de-sex, tried a carrot;                      
And enjoyed it so much --                                   
An unusual touch --                                         
Around her bare neck she would wear it.                     
                                                            
23175 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Armand Singer       P0102



Is this girl the same one who trains parrots;               
Or, perhaps, she's the one who digs ferrets?                
If she's one and the same,                                  
Will you give me her name?                                  
Blows my mind what this girl does with carrots.             
                                                            
23176 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                       



I always leave carrots till last,                           
The best of a lustful repast!                               
Those tubers so trim                                        
Fit right up my quim,                                       
And always provide such a blast!                            
                                                            
23177 DILDOES - BOTANIC              TuttaGioia               



When a girl, young Elizabeth Barrett,                       
Was found by her ma in a garret.                            
She had shoved up a diamond                                 
As far as her hymen,                                        
And was ramming it home with a carrot.                      
                                                            
23178 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                  L1240



A horny young girl, Debbie King,                            
Put carrots way up in her thing.                            
The lettuce and broccoli                                    
She then did use cockily;                                   
Her husband ate salad till spring!                          
                                                            
23179 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Theresa            TP9802



A snobbish young woman named Charity,                       
Finds men who can sate her a rarity.                        
So she uses a carrot,                                       
Wrapped in fur of a ferret,                                 
Which brings her to bliss with celerity.                    
                                                            
23180 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                       



There was a young girl from New York,                       
Who diddled herself with a cork.                            
It stuck in her vagina,                                     
Can you imagina                                             
Prying it out with a fork!                                  
                                                            
23181 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                  L1312



There was a young girl from Cobb,                           
Who was ever so much of a snob.                             
She licked the young boys                                   
For most of her joys,                                       
But for fun, she'd hobnob a corn cob.                       
                                                            
23182 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



Joanne took a corn cob to bed                               
And while she was using it said,                            
"I know a man's fob                                         
Is more fun than this cob,                                  
But it's having them young'uns I dread.                     
                                                            
23183 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Grand Prix Lim  955      



There once was guy called Big Bob;                          
But strangely, he had a small knob.                         
So to give his girl pleasure,                               
Every night beyond measure,                                 
He just used a corn-on-the-cob!                             
                                                            
23184 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                       



Girls, are you tired of that slob?                          
Have you ever tried corn on the cob?                        
Seven bumps to the inch,                                    
Never tires in the clinch,                                  
(Though you might miss the twitch and the throb).           
                                                            
23185 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller 0318         



The wife of old farmer MacSweeney,                          
Would complain that his weenie was teeny.                   
To feel something bigger,                                   
She'd rub on her trigger,                                   
A cucumber, corn, or zucchini.                              
                                                            
23186 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Cap'n Bean               



A winsome young miss is Diane,                              
But if you spied on her in the can                          
With a carrot, would you                                    
Like to roger her, too?                                     
You WOULD! Well she won't lay a man!                        
                                                            
23187 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Grand Prix Lim  819      



Yes, Mexico's trees are quite full                          
Of spuds that all Northern girls pull;                      
They're shaped like el toro,                                
Just perfect to burrow                                      
In twats, leaving them full of bull.                        
                                                            
23188 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                       



The doctor said, "Dear Widow Kerns,                         
Your pussy has whelps, sores and burns,                     
Because you won't quit                                      
Abrading your clit                                          
With poisonous tropical ferns.                              
                                                            
23189 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Travis Brasell           



And then to Miss Deborah Hunt                               
He said, "I'll be perfectly blunt;                          
It's years of abuse                                         
And zucchini misuse                                         
Which has grievously damaged your cunt."                    
                                                            
23190 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Peter Wilkins            



"Now ladies, your holes are quite loose,                    
From long sessions of cucumber use.                         
I have a cure,                                              
But you'll have to endure                                   
An injection of two-ball root juice.                        
                                                            
23191 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Mike                     



There's females in here in great number,                    
But most of them are in a slumber                           
Or just simply keep lurkin'                                 
Playing with a gherkin,                                     
Banana, dildo, or cucumber.                                 
                                                            
23192 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                       



Dave left home in his car,                                  
But turned back before he'd gone far.                       
He flipped back the cover,                                  
And found his wife's lover:                                 
A handmade Havana Cigar!                                    
                                                            
23193 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Richard Naylor           



While awaiting the season of Christmas,                     
A man on the Panama Isthmus                                 
Formed a phallus of holly                                   
To make his gal jolly,                                      
But it cause her to have vaginismus.                        
                                                            
23194 DILDOES - BOTANIC                                  G2103



In Sparta a nubile young Greek,                             
The perfect penis did seek.                                 
"Eureka," she cried,                                        
After she tried                                             
The head of an oversized leek.                              
                                                            
23195 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Harry Rubin         P9210



Unfortunate timing had Alice                                
With a vegetable substitute phallus,                        
'Cause she bought a large leek                              
Which she promptly named Zeke,                              
And rubbed on her clit till it calloused!                   
                                                            
23196 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Oddo Von Schlong    T9710



There was an aesthetic young miss,                          
Who thought it the acme of bliss,                           
To jazz herself silly                                       
With the bud of a lily,                                     
Then go to the garden to piss!                              
                                                            
23197 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Norman Douglas      L1307



A virgin who came from Durango                              
Always diddled herself with a mango.                        
"It's delightful," she said,                                
"To lie on the bed,                                         
And put it where I won't let a man go."                     
                                                            
23198 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Ray A Billington    P9901



An Arkansas belle said, "It's right,                        
Taking parsnips to bed every night.                         
Though slicker and bigger                                   
Than any old nigger,                                        
Ain't nobody says they ain't white!"                        
                                                            
23199 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



"Those veggies are vile and absurd,"                        
Said Wilma, "And haven't you heard?                         
You can get STD's                                           
From carrots and peas;                                      
I'll stick with my pet hummingbird."                        
                                                            
23200 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



Said Ruthie, "I know it's not faddish                       
To do what I do with a radish,                              
And my little quim --                                       
Now Big Sister Kim,                                         
What she does with turnips is CADDISH!                      
                                                            
23201 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



Radishes? Turnips? Passee!                                  
These spherical frottings, allay!                           
My dear, it's so chic,                                      
What I do with a leek,                                      
And it goes on and on the entree.                           
                                                            
23202 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Lucy Rawes               



"A turnip's so bare," Kimmy says,                           
"Less you dress it in salady ways.                          
It's not from a pot                                         
Or a tube; no, it's not.                                    
It's my intimate own mayonnaise."                           
                                                            
23203 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Lucy Rawes               



Oh Lucy, my dear, it's been days                            
Of searching in so many ways,                               
For a lady who's willing                                    
To share, for a shilling,                                   
The taste of her own mayonnaise.                            
                                                            
23204 DILDOES - BOTANIC              Archie                   



Maggie once loved her meat rare and juicy,                  
But her lover turned dainty and fruitsy.                    
Now she's all done with meat                                
And when she's in heat,                                     
Shares a root with her old buddy Lucy.                      
                                                            
23205 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller 0317b        



Sweet Suzy had sex with sweet peas --                       
With scores at a time, if you please.                       
She said with a grin,                                       
I can make them stay in                                     
If I just can keep closing my knees.                        
                                                            
23206 DILDOES - BOTANIC              John Miller              



A little old lady named Lana                                
Came back from a trip to Montana                            
With a frustrating tale:                                    
She could not find a male--                                 
Or even a healthy banana.                                   
                                                            
23207 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Norm Storer              



There was a young girl from Montana,                        
Who had an affair with a banana.                            
She hugged it and squeezed it,                              
Loved it and teased it,                                     
And said, "It tastes better than a man-a."                  
                                                            
23208 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl by the green Susquehanna,                            
Said she would do it manana.                                
But her lover got sore                                      
And sailed off to Ladore...                                 
And now she must use a banana.                              
                                                            
23209 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                        L1351



A prissy old maid named Miss Hannah,                        
Wrote Burbank a note in this manner:                        
"Could you spare a few hours,                               
From your shrubs and your flowers,                          
And put a pulse in the banana?"  (To perfect a pulsating...)
                                                            
23210 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                        G2141



A silly old maid of Tarzana                                 
Remarked as she ate a banana:                               
"Shoving fruit up my bun                                    
Is such glorious fun,                                       
It's a shame eating it up in this manna!"                   
                                                            
23211 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                        G2213



A eunuch who came from Port Said,                           
Had a jolly good time in bed.                               
Nor could any sultana                                       
Detect from his manner                                      
That he used a banana instead.                              
                                                            
23212 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                        L1321



There was a young Spaniard from Sitges,                     
Who kept all the tourists in stitches.                      
By parading around                                          
With an ominous frown,                                      
And a banana in front of his britches.                      
                                                            
23213 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                        G2507



An impatient young girl from Havana                         
Once screwed herself with a banana.                         
She jumped into bed,                                        
And stood on her head,                                      
And farted "The Star Spangled Banner."                      
                                                            
23214 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                        G2142



There was a young girl of Las Palmas                        
Who, haveing discarded pajamas,                             
Said: "Dear sister Sue,                                     
We could share a blow through,                              
But YES, we have no bananas.                                
                                                            
23215 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                        G2155



Said a lush senorita named Lana,                            
As she shoved herself with a banana,                        
"Due to potency, decency,                                   
Emergency, frequency,                                       
I like this more manual manna..."                           
                                                            
23216 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Grand Prix Lim  248      



There was a young lady called Anna,                         
Who quite liked to smoke marijuana.                         
It gave her a buzz                                          
And tickled her fuzz,                                       
So she just used a great big banana.                        
                                                            
23217 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    TuttaGioia               



There once was a girl named Havana,                         
Whose boyfriend lived in Montana.                           
She surprised him one day                                   
With a visit in May,                                        
And caught him with a banana.                               
                                                            
23218 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Jim Weaver Collection    



She was shocked and angry as can be                         
He cried, "Honey, please don't you see"                     
You left me alone                                           
But now you've come home.                                   
So help get this banana outta me."                          
                                                            
23219 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Jim Weaver Collection    



Two spry young maidens from Havana,                         
One night went to bed-- no pajamas.                         
Girl one to girl two,                                       
"Let's do as men do!"                                       
The second said, "But we have no bananas!"                  
                                                            
23220 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young jewess named Hannah,                      
Who wanted to go to Havana.                                 
When they told her "No way!",                               
She muttered "Oy vey",                                      
And fucked herself with a banana.                           
                                                            
23221 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS                             



Allergic to veggies, Aunt Anna,                             
Disports her old pussy with manna                           
That's brittle and hot,                                     
Then diddles her twat                                       
For days with a large green banana.                         
                                                            
23222 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Travis Brasell           



A babe from the town Susquehanna                            
Failed to come when she tried a banana;                     
But responding quite well                                   
To her failure, said "Hell,                                 
With a dildo I'm only a larna."                             
                                                            
23223 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Hugh Oliver         A104B



A superior girl of Savannah                                 
Has affected an elegant mannah,                             
But her favorite sport                                      
Of the fantasy sort,                                        
Is to squish an erotic banana.                              
                                                            
23224 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Keith MacMillan     A111C



That optimist, old Pollyanna,                               
Achieved a state near to NIRVANA;                           
She never had beau                                          
But managed quite so,                                       
With the help of a well-greased banana.                     
                                                            
23225 DILDOES - BOTANIC - BANANAS    Chris Papa               



I met a strange girl from Dubuque,                          
Whose antics induced me to puke.                            
She showed me that she                                      
Preferrfed veggies to me,                                   
By inserting a bumpy green cuke.                            
                                                            
23226 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller 0070         



"I'm not one to easily spook,"                              
I said, "Baby, although you're a kook,                      
You might find a treat                                      
To try out some meat;                                       
What I have's beyond any rebuke."                           
                                                            
23227 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller 0070a        



"My preference," she said, "is not fluke.                   
Even were you a knight or a duke                            
With the sweetest of meat,                                  
You'd be hard-pressed to beat                               
A zucchini or Big Brother Cuke."                            
                                                            
23228 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller 0070b        



I know of a girl with a no.                                 
Of vegetables used before slo.                              
She says that a carrot                                      
Has adequate merit,                                         
But her favorite's always cuco.                             
                                                            
23229 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Hugh Clary               



The cuke was selected for size,                             
And produced a pleasant surprise.                           
When pressed on a spot                                      
That made one feel hot,                                     
The thing disappeared 'fore ones eyes.                      
                                                            
23230 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Jim Weaver Collection    



An old maid tried hard to detach                            
Herself from an itch in her snatch.                         
It went quickly away                                        
On a hot summer day                                         
When she stooped in her cucumber patch.                     
                                                            
23231 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Bob Giandomenico    P8910



A greengrocer's girl from the Humber,                       
The boys thought a really hot number.                       
When business was slow,                                     
She'd put on a show,                                        
Performing the cucumber rumba.                              
                                                            
23232 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



Young Jill was feeling quite ill;                           
"What's the problem?" asked Good Doctor Bill.               
"I'm a veggie and use                                       
For my pleasure just cu's     (cucumbers)                   
And asparagus tips for my thrill."                          
                                                            
23233 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Peter Wilkins            



"Miss Jill, you need to be thrilled                         
With far more than asparagus grilled,"                      
Said the doc, "You need meat                                
And some protein, my sweet;                                 
Open wide -- I'll make sure your fulfilled."                
                                                            
23234 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Peter Wilkins            



There once was a nympho named Sword,                        
On day without fucking got bored.                           
Looking to please her cunt,                                 
She went out on a hunt,                                     
And found cucumbers she'd never explored!                   
                                                            
23235 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Laurence Craft           



There was a young lady named May,                           
Who frigged herself in the hay.                             
She bought a pickle,                                        
One for a nickel,                                           
And wore all the warts away!                                
                                                            
23236 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                        L1304



There was a young girl named Maxine,                        
Whose vagina was wondrously clean.                          
With her uterus packed,                                     
She kept safe from attack,                                  
With a dill pickle, papulous, green.                        
                                                            
23237 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                        L1303



On her first fuck, the virgin Miss Bickels,                 
Cried, "Oh, but that prick of your tickles.                 
I've never had meat                                         
In my cunt when in heat.                                    
I always use cucumbers and pickles."                        
                                                            
23238 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                        G2084



Good grief! What a noise from next door!                    
I shall look through this keyhole for sure.                 
Why, it's Kate's in the nude                                
Being frightfully rude,                                     
With some cucumbers down on the floor.                      
                                                            
23239 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Peter Wilkins            



There's one up her dripping wet space,                      
And another in 'tother sweet place;                         
While her fingers take flight                               
On her nub of delight,                                      
As sheer ecstasy etches her face.                           
                                                            
23240 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Peter Wilkins            



"Our preference?  The lowly cucumber!"                      
Swear lovely young girls without number.                    
"Inept use of puds                                          
By callow young studs                                       
Leads only to boredom and slumber."                         
                                                            
23241 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller              



Well, better I just keep mum eh?                            
How come it's so large when you slumber?                    
You are nought but a fake,                                  
And t'was a big mistake;                                    
It's nought but a whopping cucumber!                        
                                                            
23242 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



A young German lady named Schickel                          
Would lay on her back for a nickel.                         
And when she was through,                                   
For something to do,                                        
She would fuck with a kosher dill pickle.                   
                                                            
23243 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Albin Chaplin 3024  G2201



A cucumber farmer nearby                                    
Is an entrepreneurial guy.                                  
He sells his whole crop                                     
Where the misandrists shop,                                 
And demand is exceeding supply.                             
                                                            
23244 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Jerry Nordal        P0312



The Widow McCree shopped for bread,                         
But bought a zucchini instead;                              
She told the store clerk,                                   
"This damn thing should work,                               
It's endowed like my dead husband Fred!"                    
                                                            
23245 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



One day, making pickles with dill,                          
I found one cuke that gave me a thrill.                     
It was ever so long                                         
and resembled a dong;                                       
I've not used it yet, but I will.                           
                                                            
23246 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



A botanist, Dino Martini,                                   
Developed a monstrous zucchini.                             
His daughter named Candy,                                   
Said, "This is real dandy."                                 
She discarded her dildo and weenie.                         
                                                            
23247 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Al Willis           P9809



Mother Superior to Head of the Garden                       
Said, "My nuns need a bit of a hard-on.                     
Nothing skinny or narrow,                                   
But a vegetable marrow;                                     
Nothing less will these randy girls pardon."                
                                                            
23248 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



A technical virgin, Miss Nichols,                           
Has never used candles--just pickles.                       
She doesn't like men,                                       
But gets hot now and then,                                  
And rubs off on hot, sour prickles.                         
                                                            
23249 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Grand Prix Lim  241 G2174



A self-centered woman named Perkins,                        
Would work off her urges with gherkins,                     
Until with a skid,                                          
Inside her one slid,                                        
And pickled her internal workin's.                          
                                                            
23250 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



There was a young man from the docks                        
Who couldn't get into a box.                                
He said, "For a nickel,                                     
I'd take an old pickle,                                     
And fret nevermore of the pox."                             
                                                            
23251 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Giandomeni & Christ P8908



There once was a lady named Eve,                            
Who did things you wouldn't believe,                        
With uncut cucumbers,                                       
And horny young plumbers,                                   
And a Dachschund she wants to retrieve!                     
                                                            
23252 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



A cucumber's sounding quite pricey;                         
I was hoping for something more spicey.                     
A pepper or two --                                          
Jalapeno nught do --                                        
It would warm up her quimmy quite nicey.                    
                                                            
23253 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Dudeshead                



Jalapenos are too small and hot,                            
And would burn her cute little twat.                        
Zucchini's too big,                                         
Carrots small as twigs,                                     
Cucumbers always hit the spot.                              
                                                            
23254 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Carol                    



I've often been told that my lumber                         
Resembles a nice thick cucumber.                            
But ladies who've seen                                      
It's shade of dark green,                                   
Won't come to my slum for a slumber.                        
                                                            
23255 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Gearhart                 



Observed a young female, Ms. Bickel,                        
"I don't like men's pricks 'cause the tickle;               
Bananas look funny,                                         
And dildoes cost money --                                   
My choice is a slippery pickle."                            
                                                            
23256 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Armand E Singer       696



Young Jenny has dreams in her slumba,                       
Of dirtily dancing the rumba.                               
With veg like courgettes;                                   
Real excited she gets,                                      
'Til she comes to the cucumba numba.                        
                                                            
23257 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



Love carrots? Then you'll love a zucchini,                  
Even more than a greasy linguini.                           
But if it goes deep                                         
And it makes you weep,                                      
I'd say that your quim is too teeny.                        
                                                            
23258 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    S C Saint                



But a soft tongue is lots better;                           
It's not just an appetite whetter.                          
It will make you spasm                                      
And quiver and orgasm,                                      
And your clit will surely get redder.                       
                                                            
23259 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    S C Saint                



Said Lizzie, our local librarian,                           
With a cucumber caught in her hairy 'un,                    
"Don't be quick to depict                                   
Me perverted and sick,                                      
Just because I'm a strict vegetarian!"                      
                                                            
23260 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller              



Yes, lately, dear Lizzie's a stickler                       
For cucumbers dipped in her pickler;                        
She thinks they are 'scrumpy'                               
If thick, long and bumpy                                    
With skin feeling like a french tickler.                    
                                                            
23261 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Travis Brasell           



Enjoying a jolly was Molly                                  
Bent over her food-shopping trolley,                        
In teeny bikini                                             
Abusing zucchini,                                           
Bananas and marrows, by golly.                              
                                                            
23262 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS                             



The lady next door is a wonder.                             
Her marriage was just put asunder.                          
She got rid of the louse;                                   
Found a substitute spouse;                                  
Wore the warts off a ten inch cucumber.                     
                                                            
23263 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



Said Carol, most men are so teeny,                          
I've had to make do with zucchini,                          
Though green and unthatched,                                
Because unattached,                                         
I can hide one beneath my bikini.                           
                                                            
23264 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller              



This isn't our Carol, of course,                            
Whose men are all hung like a horse;                        
Have charm and fine wit,                                    
Know why there's a clit,                                    
And give girls no cause for remorse.                        
                                                            
23265 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller              



"Dear Peter, your size is a joke.                           
My climax you cannot evoke.                                 
So in place of your weenie,                                 
I'm using zucchini,                                         
And finding my pussy asoak!"                                
                                                            
23266 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    Ognigioia                



Maggie once did it with stallions                           
And athletes with lots of medallions.                       
But she's into, these days,                                 
The fresh vegetable craze,                                  
Making do with zucchinis and scallions.                     
                                                            
23267 DILDOES - BOTANIC - CUCURBS    John Miller 0317a        



Three elderly spinsters of Kent,                            
Gave up copulation for Lent.                                
This included door handles,                                 
Both tapers and candles,                                    
And anything else that was bent.                            
                                                            
23268 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  G2150



Her frustration was so hard to handle                       
And she thought diddling no real scandal.                   
But her fingers went numb                                   
And she still hadn't come,                                  
So she opted to try out a candle.                           
                                                            
23269 DILDOES - CANDLES                                       



She squatted while diddling her clit;                       
Embedding it deep in her slit.                              
But she got so excited,                                     
The candle ignited                                          
And singed her caboodle and kit.                            
                                                            
23270 DILDOES - CANDLES                                       



A butcher, a baker, a candle-                               
Stick maker all wooed Mrs Randall.                          
The butcher had meat                                        
And the baker was sweet,                                    
But 'twas candles she wanted to handle.                     
                                                            
23271 DILDOES - CANDLES                                       



There was a young lady named Randall,                       
Who thought it beneath her to handle                        
A young fellow's pole,                                      
So instead, her hot hole                                    
She contented by means of a candle.                         
                                                            
23272 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  L1328



A boarding-school lassie named Randle                       
Used to frig herself with a candle.                         
One day in the gym,                                         
It shot from her quim,                                      
Which started a very grave scandal.                         
                                                            
23273 DILDOES - CANDLES                                 G2108a



There was a young virgin of Perth,                          
Swore she'd do it for no one on earth.                      
Yet she fell without scandal                                
To a red Christmas candle                                   
And was always less choosey henceforth.                     
                                                            
23274 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  L0885



Old Mary, it seems, had a yen                               
To play with a candle, not men.                             
She'll be raised to the Trinity                             
By the blessed Divinity,                                    
If she shows she can do it again.                           
                                                            
23275 DILDOES - CANDLES              Albin Chaplin   3024-2407



There was a young woman of Croft,                           
Who played with herself in a loft,                          
Having reasoned that candles,                               
Could never cause scandals,                                 
Besides which, they did not go soft.                        
                                                            
23276 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  L1257



Her lesson was soon to be learned,                          
As atop a candle she churned.                               
She slipped in and out                                      
Then she let out a shout;                                   
When she looked and her snatch was all burned.              
                                                            
23277 DILDOES - CANDLES              Joe Long                 



A singed pussy smell make me rank;                          
'Twill be mouldy and smelly and dank.                       
Since burnt stubble and hair                                
Is all I'll find there,                                     
I'd better just stick to a wank.                            
                                                            
23278 DILDOES - CANDLES              Steve                    



There was a young lady of Thyme,                            
Who swore she'd hold out for all time.                      
So she stifled the crave                                    
For a cock in her nave,                                     
And insisted the candle was fine.                           
                                                            
23279 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  L1354



I know an old maid name of Randall                          
Accused of the following scandal:                           
Ever longer of tooth,                                       
She bewailed her lost youth,                                
And punctured her twat with a candle.                       
                                                            
23280 DILDOES - CANDLES              Armand E Singer       296



I don't use a candle for THAT!                              
It's waxy and slender and flat.                             
It'd melt and get gooey                                     
The idea is screwy!                                         
You'd best put it back in your hat.                         
                                                            
23281 DILDOES - CANDLES                                       



With her maidenhead gone with the wind,                     
Cried a happy ex-virgin named Lind,                         
"I just love Nature's plan                                  
Of equipping a man,                                         
For his thing has a damn candle skinned!"                   
                                                            
23282 DILDOES - CANDLES              Grand Prix Lim  106 G2231



A simple young lady named Randall                           
Could not find a man with a handle.                         
So she played a game shallow                                
With a short piece of tallow,                               
But this game, it was not worth the dandle.                 
                                                            
23283 DILDOES - CANDLES              Albin Chaplin   3024-1893



There was an old woman named Reilly,                        
Who valued old candle ends highly.                          
When nothing was doing,                                     
She used them for screwing,                                 
"It's wicked to waste," she said dryly.                     
                                                            
23284 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  G2122



In the Convent of St. Valentine                             
After dark all the nuns lie supine                          
With their hearts fast arace                                
For says Mother St. Grace                                   
Lights out at eight and candles by nine.                    
                                                            
23285 DILDOES - CANDLES              Bob Giandomenico    P8905



There was a young girl whose divinity,                      
Preserved her in perfect virginity.                         
'Til a candle, her nemesis,                                 
Caused parthenogenesis,                                     
Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity.                  
                                                            
23286 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  L0923



With her maidenhead gone with the wind,                     
Cried a happy ex-virgin named Lynd:                         
"It makes me quite sick                                     
To have missed all that prick --                            
That thing has a darn candle skinned!"                      
                                                            
23287 DILDOES - CANDLES              Linda Marsh Coll         



The nice girls, they say, love a candle,                    
Whenever they've no man to handle.                          
But that Roman kind                                         
May well blow their mind(?),                                
Or anyway, scorch their fandangle.                          
                                                            
23288 DILDOES - CANDLES                                       



There was a young lady name Mandel,                         
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal,                    
By coming out bare                                          
In the main village square,                                 
And frigging herself with a candle.                         
                                                            
23289 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  L1302



A shy bride admitted to Crandall,                           
That for years she'd worked off with a candle;              
But a cock like his dick                                    
Gave her ten times the kick,                                
Though it strained her wee peehole to handle!               
                                                            
23290 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  G0046



The actions of one Rosie Randall                            
Became this past season's worst scandal:                    
Dancing drunk in the street,                                
She stripped down to her feet,                              
And jacked herself off with a candle.                       
                                                            
23291 DILDOES - CANDLES              Armand E Singer       799



The power went out at ten four;                             
The girls at St. Paul's were quite sore.                    
Vibrators were still,                                       
And Marge said, kind of shrill,                             
"Use your candle; it's in the top drawer."                  
                                                            
23292 DILDOES - CANDLES              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old woman of Filey                             
Who valued old candle-ends highly.                          
When no one was looking                                     
She'd use them for cooking --                               
"It's wicked to waste, she said, dryly.                     
                                                            
23293 DILDOES - CANDLES              Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young lady from Nyer,                           
Who, in her extreme desire,                                 
In lieu of man's handle,                                    
Had played with a candle,                                   
And set her vagina on fire.                                 
                                                            
23294 DILDOES - CANDLES                                  G2176



Two dykes from the far Adriatic,                            
Decided to be more pragmatic,                               
Having switched from mere handling                          
To mutual candling -                                        
The result is they're waxing ecstatic.                      
                                                            
23295 DILDOES - CANDLES                                       



A deli-buff spinster named Mellish,                         
Bought substitute meats she'd embellish;                    
And once, hardly flustered,                                 
When fresh out of mustard,                                  
She got off on a hotdog with relish!                        
                                                            
23296 DILDOES - MEAT                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A fisherman in medieval Nice,                               
Was instantly ordered to cease,                             
His naughty deception,                                      
When, during inspection,                                    
They found a real cod in his piece.                         
                                                            
23297 DILDOES - MEAT                                          



Said the man-hater, buying baloney:                         
"Of course, it is only a phoney.                            
But with self-service sex,                                  
I get better effects                                        
Than poor women trapped in matrimony!"                      
                                                            
23298 DILDOES - MEAT                 Grand Prix Lim  760 G2081



A butcher first-class named of Hearst,                      
In slicing fine steaks was well-versed.                     
But many a crony                                            
Preferred his balony,                                       
While some said his best was his wurst.                     
                                                            
23299 DILDOES - MEAT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2104



In their garden, they planted zucchinis,                    
These bosomy, nubile wahines.                               
The seeds didn't sprout,                                    
Because of the drought.                                     
Now, instead, they employ two big weenies.                  
                                                            
23300 DILDOES - MEAT                 Al Willis           P9809



An old maid on tour in Cremona                              
Found just the right size of bologna                        
To afford her a night                                       
Of self-service delight                                     
Before leaving next day for Verona.                         
                                                            
23301 DILDOES - MEAT                 Grand Prix Lim  169      



A luscious young gal in Corona                              
Remarked as she bought a bologna,                           
"It's as big as a whale...                                  
Just right for my tail,                                     
So I think I will call the thing 'Jonah'."                  
                                                            
23302 DILDOES - MEAT                 Grand Prix Lim  991      



A well-hung ice skater named Tony                           
Was exposed as a sexual phony.                              
He slipped and was downed.                                  
On checking they found                                      
That his schlock was just a baloney.                        
                                                            
23303 DILDOES - MEAT                 Number Two          P9009



Betty-Sue's masturbational style                            
Is distinguished by a Frenchified guile:                    
She uses a wiener,                                          
It's safer and cleaner,                                     
She's become a confirmed Frankophile!                       
                                                            
23304 DILDOES - MEAT                                          



A meat packing plant out in Natchez                         
Sold hot dogs in increasing batches.                        
Though small, they would rise                               
And would double in size                                    
When stuffed in the counter girls' snatches.                
                                                            
23305 DILDOES - MEAT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1280



There once was a woman named Inger,                         
Whose best friend was her index finger.                     
A finger's a digit,                                         
With which she could fidgit,                                
But the smell of dead fish, it did linger.                  
                                                            
23306 DILDOES - MEAT                 Lee Geelong              



In the war, with their men in the army,                     
The women were all going barmy.                             
Alas, that was that;                                        
They could not feed their twat,                             
Until some one imported Salami!                             
                                                            
23307 DILDOES - MEAT                                          



A venturesome virgin, Miss Pruitt,                          
Once sculpted a penis of suet;                              
Then she flipped and she flopped,                           
But remarked when she stopped,                              
"I hope that's not all there is to it!"                     
                                                            
23308 DILDOES - MEAT                 Norm Storer              



There once was an excort named Sy,                          
Whose company ladies would buy.                             
But they found that his trick,                              
Was not a big dick,                                         
But a knackwurst he taped to his thigh.                     
                                                            
23309 DILDOES - MEAT                                          



In a meat packing plant, butcher Pete                       
Implemented a savings plan neat.                            
After sucking a prick                                       
An idea came quick --                                       
And hot dogs he made with less meat.                        
                                                            
23310 DILDOES - MEAT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1288



Another Scotswoman, I've heard,                             
Thinks sex is both dumb and absurd.                         
She's tried Tacos and Jacks,                                
Burger Kings and Big Macs,                                  
But a hot dog is what she's preferred.                      
                                                            
23311 DILDOES - MEAT                 Ken Rose                 



A pubescent young lady of Hearst                            
Had a passion for firm liverwurst,                          
Which at least was as good                                  
As the laggards who would                                   
Enter only as far as they durst.                            
                                                            
23312 DILDOES - MEAT                 Keith MacMillan       73b



Asked by the girl to fellate her,                           
He went out to buy a vibrator.                              
Not plastic and pink,                                       
As you probably think,                                      
'Twas made from the hide of a 'gator.                       
                                                            
23313 DILDOES - MEAT                 Audrey                   



A romantic old maid in Pomona                               
Makes an odd nightly use of bologna.                        
With a simpering grin                                       
She slips it way in,                                        
While her old phonograph plays "Ramona!"                    
(mona - Italian slang for cunt)                             
23314 DILDOES - MEAT                 Grand Prix Lim  625 G2187



There was a young lady named Banks                          
Who said to her man, "Hold your pranks.                     
Before getting to bed,                                      
It has come to my head,                                     
I've forgotten to purchase some franks."                    
                                                            
23315 DILDOES - MEAT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0389



I know a young lady named Milly                             
Who prefers a penis that's chilly.                          
The dildo that is frozen                                    
Is one that gets chosen;                                    
With this, she whacks off till she's silly!                 
                                                            
23316 DILDOES - MEAT                 Sam Pittman        TP9804



Said the butcher's apprentice, Miss Banks,                  
To the butcher, "Enough of your pranks.                     
As a fucker you're fair,                                    
But you cannot compare                                      
To a package of Premium Franks."                            
                                                            
23317 DILDOES - MEAT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1831



There was an old butcher out East                           
Who cut off men's peckers deceased.                         
They were tied with fine braids                             
And sold to old maids;                                      
It's amazing how business increased.                        
                                                            
23318 DILDOES - MEAT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1258



There was a young lady named Schink                         
With a crotch like the drain of the sink.                   
She was fucked by young Ned                                 
With a loaf of rye bread,                                   
And an oversize pork sausage link.                          
                                                            
23319 DILDOES - MEAT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0598



'Cause the girls found no joys in her lap,                  
She chopped off her big brother's tap.                      
At his death, not repenting,                                
But fixed by cementing,                                     
She wore it in place with a strap.                          
                                                            
23320 DILDOES - MEAT                                     L1286



When I visit the bright city lights,                        
I stuff SPAM down the front of my tights,                   
In the hope that the codpiece                               
Will get me the odd piece                                   
To help through the long lonely nights.                     
                                                            
23321 DILDOES - MEAT                 Barrie Collins           



There once was a whore from Miami                           
Whose cunt was so big and so clammy,                        
After finishing her trick                                   
With a John with small dick,                                
Said, "How I wish for a stick of salami!"                   
                                                            
23322 DILDOES - MEAT                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A madam in town named Maloney                               
Taught new whores how to fuck with baloney.                 
She said, "That's the way,                                  
But of course, in a lay,                                    
You get poked with a prick, not a phoney."                  
                                                            
23323 DILDOES - MEAT                                     G2167



A hot little night nurse named Hearst,                      
Got off with a bratwurst at first;                          
But her pleasure now lies                                   
In a non-deli guise,                                        
As the interns take turns for the Wurst.                    
                                                            
23324 DILDOES - MEAT                                          



There once was a lover called Neeky                         
Who poked at his babe with his beaky.                       
She said, "It's no fiction;                                 
I'm fond of the friction.                                   
Compared to your wang it's more squeaky."                   
                                                            
23325 DILDOES - MEAT                                          



There was a young lad from Kent,                            
Whose nose was so long that it bent.                        
The women did shy him,                                      
But now they all buy him,                                   
Playing "hide the nose in the vent."                        
                                                            
23326 DILDOES - MEAT                 Mike                     



A busty young woman named Durst                             
In exciting herself is well versed.                         
She snickered, "I've tried                                  
Sundry objects, inside,                                     
And I find that I hate weeny worst.                         
                                                            
23327 DILDOES - MEAT                 Grand Prix Lim  442      



Another young woman of Croft,                               
Amusing herself in the loft,                                
"A salami or wurst                                          
Is what I should choose first--                             
With bologna, you know you've been boffed."                 
                                                            
23328 DILDOES - MEAT                                     L1258



I once knew a clever young bitch,                           
Who owned a self-frigger and which,                         
She would use with delight                                  
Far into the night,                                         
Twenty bucks--Abercrombie & Fitch.                          
                                                            
23329 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               L1245



Forgive me for adding this chapter,                         
But using my plug really sapped her.                        
She gave quite a dose                                       
Now I won't go too close                                    
Unless I first fit my Adaptor.                              
                                                            
23330 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           SFA                      



A nymphomaniacal nurse                                      
With a curse that was worse than perverse,                  
Stuck a rotary drill                                        
Up her twat, for a thrill,                                  
And they carted her off in a hearse.                        
                                                            
23331 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               L1315



There was an old harlot named French                        
Who spent a whole week on the bench.                        
She'd been fucked in her manor                              
By a man with a spanner,                                    
And it gave her, she said, a bad wrench.                    
                                                            
23332 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-1857



The boss told his stenop, "Miss Singer,                     
Though the office force thinks you're a swinger,            
I don't really condone                                      
Using my Dictaphone.                                        
I'd feel better if you used your finger."                   
                                                            
23333 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Bob Giandomenico    P9408



An old sailor tole this, 'fore he died;                     
I just know that the deck-monkey lied;                      
He did tell of a maid,                                      
Broad and wide, so when laid,                               
Was unable to be satisfied.                                 
                                                            
23334 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Allen Wolverton          



So they built her a mightly big wheel,                      
Which was linked to a phallus of steel;                     
With brass balls filled with cream;                         
This whole thing ran on steam.                              
And they figured, with joy she would squeal!                
                                                            
23335 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Allen Wolverton          



'Round and 'round went that big fucking wheel;              
In and out went that todger of steel.                       
'Til her face got all flushed,                              
And she suddenly gushed:                                    
"Let us pause, I've exhausted my keel!"                     
                                                            
23336 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Allen Wolverton          



But they couldn't shut down -- what a bitch!                
The conttraption was missing a switch!                      
When it ran out of fuel,                                    
She'd been ravaged quite cruel;                             
Her twat needed many a stitch.                              
                                                            
23337 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Allen Wolverton          



No kidding?  Her twat must be sore;                         
I sure hate to hear that it tore!                           
But who came in to patch                                    
Her poor bloodied snatch?                                   
'Twasn't me.  I shall say no more.                          
                                                            
23338 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Travis Brasell           



With all of this high powered action,                       
By the steam-driven, steel contraption,                     
With her snatch hot and smoking,                            
And I'm really not joking,                                  
She finally got satisfaction.                               
                                                            
23339 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Milton Fludgecow         



Now Tjarda, it pains me to hear                             
Of your feelings for a bitch you hold dear.                 
I recommend Black and Decker                                
In lieu of my pecker,                                       
Which is too short to reach you from here.                  
                                                            
23340 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Dave Seymour             



A prick could be made of cement,                            
And would certainly never be bent.                          
Two balls made of leather                                   
Would go off together,                                      
And the thing was equipped with a vent.                     
                                                            
23341 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               G2077



There was a young lady of Dallas,                           
Invented a singular phallus.                                
It came and it went,                                        
And when it was spent,                                      
It proceeded to fill up the chalice.                        
                                                            
23342 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               L1259



Love, get off that mechanical steed;                        
I will give you the ride that you need;                     
This here saddle horn's hot;                                
Climb aboard; treat your twat;                              
And I'll rock with a var-yable speed!                       
                                                            
23343 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                                    



There were two Greek girls of Miletus,                      
Who said, "We wear gadgets that treat us,                   
When strapped on the thigh,                                 
Up cozy and high,                                           
To constant, convenient coitus."                            
                                                            
23344 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               L1306



My wife's dildo is simply amazing;                          
Bilateral intershift phasing                                
With radial pistons                                         
And two cooling systems,                                    
Just to keep her nice pubies from blazing.                  
                                                            
23345 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Tutta Gioia              



Two cooling systems?  Not bad...                            
But two probing systems, that's rad!                        
With a Vasoline pump                                        
Poised at her rump,                                         
I call my design, the "Launch Pad!"                         
                                                            
23346 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Tutta Gioia              



She had amps in her pants, so Miss Bower                    
Bought a dildo with battery power;                          
A synthetic, prosthetic,                                    
Electromagnetic                                             
Device that discharged every hour.                          
                                                            
23347 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Ed Potts            P8607



Since you have decided to abstain,                          
I went down to a sex shop on Main,                          
Bought a motorized dick                                     
That is eight inches thick.                                 
When I left they all said, "Come again!"                    
                                                            
23348 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Ericka                   



Once home, my clothes I cast off                            
And had, by myself, a great boff.                           
B-but n-now, m-my d-dear P-Pete,                            
I-I've l-lost the r-receipt,                                
A-And I-I c-can't t-turn the b-bloody th-thing o-off.       
                                                            
23349 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Ericka                   



The sex drive of old man McGill,                            
Gives fortunate ladies a thrill.                            
They say his technique                                      
Is delightful--unique!--                                    
He uses an electrical drill!                                
                                                            
23350 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               G2166



There was an old sarge of Dorchester,                       
Who invented a mechanical whore tester.                     
With an electrical eye,                                     
His tool, and a die,                                        
He observed each sore pimple and fester.                    
                                                            
23351 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               L1088



Young Alison said with a blush,                             
The words coming out in a rush,                             
"If I've not a man,                                         
I do what I can                                             
With my wonderful electric tooth brush."                    
                                                            
23352 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Tiddy Ogg                



I used to hate being alone,                                 
So I learned to make love on the phone.                     
But my lover one day                                        
Got carried away;                                           
He now has an electrified bone.                             
                                                            
23353 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Karen B                  



There was an old lady, God damn her,                        
She fucked herself with a hammer.                           
The hammer was blunt,                                       
And so was her cunt,                                        
And out came a kid with a hop, skip, and jump.              
                                                            
23354 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                        G2040  L0921



For  girls of insatiable status                             
I've designed such a fine apparatus.                        
They jump in the saddle                                     
'Cross an opening a-straddle,                               
And cry, "Please just let it have at us!"                   
                                                            
23355 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Tutta Goia               



I tease them a bit with the switch,                         
Watching their quims wetly twitch...                        
Just where the seat's riven                                 
There's pneumatically driven,                               
A dildoe set at perfect pitch.                              
                                                            
23356 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Tutta Gioia              



It not only pumps up and down,                              
Plunging through muffs of nut-brown,                        
But the whole thing flips over                              
(The gals, they're in clover!)                              
As the thing does its thing, upside-down.                   
                                                            
23357 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Tutta Gioia              



Mechanical sexual aids                                      
Are popular now among maids,                                
Who are old and who lack                                    
Any kind of a knack                                         
For plying the amorous trades.                              
                                                            
23358 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Norm Storer         P0012



An inventor who lives in Red Oak                            
Built a gadget girls find is no joke.                       
With it plugged in his rear,                                
He can bang a whole year,                                   
And never miss once on a stroke.                            
                                                            
23359 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               G2194



Kindly Madame Doreen of Racine                              
Once invented a screwing machine,                           
So her girls could be laid                                  
During dull times of trade...                               
And feel something in them that's clean.                    
                                                            
23360 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Grand Prix Lim  771      



That singer, some called her a dyke,                        
She said "No, I know what I like.                           
There aren't many men,                                      
That give me a yen,                                         
But Gee, I have fun with my mike."                          
                                                            
23361 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                                    



A horny young blonde from Vancouver                         
Molested herself with a Hoover.                             
Her gloomy deduction:                                       
Despite all the suction,                                    
It wasn't sufficient to move her.                           
                                                            
23362 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Chuch Davis         P9408



There once was a girl from Vancouver,                       
Who owned her very own Hoover.                              
She said with a shrug,                                      
"It's not for my rug."                                      
It had the vibrations to move her.                          
                                                            
23363 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



A little four-flusher Miss Ream                             
Invented a fucking machine.                                 
On the ninety-ninth stroke,                                 
The fucking thing broke,                                    
And turned her insides to whipped cream.                    
                                                            
23364 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                                    



Said a nympho, "I find that each suitor,                    
For my needs is no better than neuter.                      
Now my passion's fulfilled--                                
Though I just may get killed--                              
By a large, well-equipped Roto-Rooter."                     
                                                            
23365 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               G2210



There was an old maid of Balaclava                          
Who made a great dildo of lava.                             
It rasped and it scraped                                    
As her pouty lips gaped,                                    
And an old Peeping Tom yelled out "Brava!"                  
                                                            
23366 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               G2079



"I know what I'll do," said Doreen,                         
"As soon as I'm over eighteen                               
I'll splash out some cash 'n'                               
I'll purchase a smashin'                                    
New dildo extrusion machine."                               
                                                            
23367 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Peter Wilkins            



"I'll make 'em in different sizes,                          
But bigger than regular guys is;                            
I'll make 'em much longer                                   
And fatter and stronger,                                    
With nodules for extra surprises."                          
                                                            
23368 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Peter Wilkins            



And thus did ambitious Doreen                               
Acquire a new dildo machine;                                
In minutes (about)                                          
She was turning 'em out,                                    
In all sizes and colors (bar green).                        
                                                            
23369 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Peter Wilkins            



And soon with her profits galore                            
She opened her very first store,                            
A fancy HQ                                                  
And a factory too                                           
Filled with dildo machines by the score.                    
                                                            
23370 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Peter Wilkins            



Not churning out normal-size lean ones,                     
But fat ones and long ones and mean ones,                   
And hugely vibrating,                                       
Pulsating, gyrating,                                        
Exceedingly monstrous obscene ones.                         
                                                            
23371 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Peter Wilkins            



Inspecting for quality (natch)                              
She tried one or two from each batch.                       
And if she was moved                                        
She would stamp them "Approved!                             
Doreen's Dildos (for Butt and for Snatch)."                 
                                                            
23372 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady named Bright,                        
Whose passions were faster that light.                      
She set her dildo                                           
To 'Medium Slow'                                            
And creamed on the walls half the night.                    
                                                            
23373 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               G2092



An old man at the Folies Bergere                            
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair.                         
It snipped of a twat-curl                                   
From each new chorus girl,                                  
And he had a wig made of the hair.                          
                                                            
23374 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                               L0161



There once was a woman named Queen                          
Who owned a vibrating machine.                              
With nine volts of power                                    
She'd play for an hour;                                     
She loved to tickle her bean.                               
                                                            
23375 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Dr Limerick              



A hopeful young virgin, but frail,                          
Bought a Japanese dildo by mail.                            
Massaging and jerking                                       
Couldn't get the thing working,                             
So it went to a church rummage sale.                        
                                                            
23376 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                              G2092a



A Washington girl from Vancouver                            
Tried out a selfish manuever;                               
She filled up her dent                                      
With dust balls and lint,                                   
Then sucked herself off with a Hoover.                      
                                                            
23377 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Gene Brady               



There once was a man named Bill Becker,                     
And engineer for Black and Decker.                          
His invention was cool;                                     
And incredible tool,                                        
He designed the rechargeable pecker!                        
                                                            
23378 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Chicago Jack             



To the penis of feeble old Schuster                         
Was attached an electrical booster.                         
In a screw with Miss Drew,                                  
His main rheostat blew,                                     
And she felt like a snowplow had goosed 'er.                
                                                            
23379 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Grand Prix Lim  341 G0750



I'm selling a useful contraption                            
That has brought me much satisfaction.                      
I need cash for the kids,                                   
So send your sealed bids,                                   
If you want a piece of the action.                          
                                                            
23380 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Karen                    



To itch that spot no mere man can;                          
A steam-driven battering ram,                               
With adjustable speed,                                      
(It comes guaranteed)                                       
My very well used, Steely-eye Dan.                          
                                                            
23381 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Karen                    



I've designed a much better device.                         
It lets you come once, twice or thrice.                     
And on the console,                                         
You can click for a hole,                                   
And forthwith your hubby entice.                            
                                                            
23382 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           OgniGioia                



I cannot afford just a buck,                                
Not for a synthetic fuck.                                   
We'll take a collection                                     
For kids and affection                                      
And all of that other sweet muck.                           
                                                            
23383 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Karen                    



You keep your well-oiled Dan,                               
I've been preacticing with my man.                          
His speed is quite varied,                                  
And we're already married,                                  
So I might as well use what I can.                          
                                                            
23384 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Karen                    



Ann's craving for sex seems psychotic;                      
She's tireless, almost robotic.                             
With infinite styles                                        
She sets dildo dials,                                       
To positions quite autoerotic.                              
                                                            
23385 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Mark Levy           P9603



A young Ph.D. from Alliance                                 
Invented a screwing appliance                               
Consisting of ticklers                                      
Plus wires and some pricklers                               
That turned routine sex into science.                       
                                                            
23386 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Armand E Singer       529



The book said, "Take 2 D-cell Batteries"                    
But who'd know? 'Twas written in Japanese!                  
Then the rubber cock shook                                  
When crammed in her nook,                                   
And it shot a fake wad on her mammaries.                    
                                                            
23387 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Mad Max                  



Gave a sun-powered cock to my hon,                          
And she said "It's incredibly fun!                          
But the minutes of waiting                                  
Can be so frustrating,                                      
When a cloud blows in front of the sun."                    
                                                            
23388 DILDOES - MECHANICAL                                    



A position that's even more mean                            
Is one that is almost obscene.                              
I'm afraid when I like I'll                                 
Get on the spin cycle                                       
Of my faithful washing machine.                             
                                                            
23389 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Michelle                 



In my mind, there's been planted a seed;                    
I can sell the girls just what they need!                   
Those machine agitaors                                      
Can be sold as vibrators,                                   
That will do a great job at high speed!                     
                                                            
23390 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Travis Brasel            



Now all you can come 'round and watch!                      
(No fiddling around with your crotch!)                      
As I moan and grin,                                         
As it goes into spin,                                       
And I switch it up faster a notch!                          
                                                            
23391 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Michelle                 



An insatiable nympho in Rome                                
Built a gadget to use in her home;                          
A steam-driven dildo,                                       
That can dish out her fill, though                          
It used enough coal to heat Nome.                           
                                                            
23392 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Don Moore           P9304



Your sun-powered cock's really neat;                        
But the next time I'm feeling the heat,                     
May I take this fake hardon                                 
Out into my garden?                                         
The neighbors are in for a treat!                           
                                                            
23393 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Jeanie                   



A bugger invented some dildoes,                             
Designed to incite bugger thrill-shows.                     
The tip had three rotors,                                   
The aft had three motors,                                   
To which were attached little twill-bows.                   
                                                            
23394 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           H                        



A trike is a very poor dildo;                               
With three wheels it barely will do.                        
An old baseball bat                                         
Is better than that,                                        
But firstly get rid of the mildew.                          
                                                            
23395 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Archie                   



Marge bought a used dildo one day,                          
From Sister Annette, who was gay.                           
It had ninety notches,                                      
And smelled of nun's crotches,                              
And would turn itself on when you'd pray.                   
                                                            
23396 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Mark Levy           P9312



A shady young lady of Vernon                                
Reposed her voluptuous stern on                             
A pneumatic drill                                           
And, with consummate skill,                                 
She discovered the ultimate turn on.                        
                                                            
23397 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Hugh Oliver         A028B



There was a young maid from Vancouver,                      
Who found an odd use for her Hoover.                        
It hadn't much style,                                       
But it made the girl's smile                                
So famous, it hangs in the Louvre.                          
                                                            
23398 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           John E Mayhood      P0011



The size of Sue's clit is obscene;                          
Her dildo? -- the largest I've seen!                        
For heavy vibration,                                        
Sue gets the sensation                                      
By straddling her washing machine!                          
                                                            
23399 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Travis Brasell           



I've heard of this practice, I think;                       
She'd sit her ass on it and wink.                           
When starting to spin,                                      
She'd stick her clit in.                                    
That's how Susan stayed in the pink.                        
                                                            
23400 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Dudeshead                



I want my clit polished and shined,                         
Yet appliances I'm disinclined.                             
With a bit of dumb luck,                                    
I will find me a buck                                       
Who can lick, stick, and give a good grind.                 
                                                            
23401 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Goin2later               



I seem to remember a song,                                  
'Bout a woman in need of a dong,                            
Who would do things obscene                                 
With her washing machine --                                 
When Amana Loves A Woman.  Am I wrong?                      
                                                            
23402 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Scott                    



A distraught homosexual named Jill                          
Once went down on a pneumatic drill;                        
"O, may heaven protect me!                                  
This rough tonsilectomy                                     
Beats the chill thrill of whipping poor Will!"              
                                                            
23403 DILDOES - MECHANICAL           Guy Wernham         P9306



At a party last night I met Grace                           
With a lovely smile on her face.                            
'Twas not that, I should mention,                           
That drew my attention;                                     
She moved with a very odd pace.                             
                                                            
23404 DILDOES - METAL                                         



As I danced with the adorable chick,                        
I heard a sound, clickety-click.                            
Though the hormones were active                             
It was pretty distractive,                                  
But they were not my balls 'gainst my dick.                 
                                                            
23405 DILDOES - METAL                                         



So quickly, I asked her a question;                         
Quick the answer came -- to my perplexion --                
You hear my pleasure balls                                  
Loved by all of us gals;                                    
And she spoke of them with much affection.                  
                                                            
23406 DILDOES - METAL                                         



A eunuch who lusted for ass                                 
Made him a dong out of brass.                               
Two balls made of gold                                      
Were a sight to behold,                                     
And oil was injected by gas.                                
                                                            
23407 DILDOES - METAL                                    G2076



The widow of Baron van Rasting                              
Disclosed her devotion long lasting:                        
"For a time I was sick                                      
As I missed his big prick,                                  
But not now, since I made a bronze casting."                
                                                            
23408 DILDOES - METAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-0588



Once a eunuch, a fellow quite neuter,                       
Bought a mechanized penis of pewter.                        
With a smile on his face,                                   
He would strap it in place:                                 
"Did someone here call Roto-Rooter?"                        
                                                            
23409 DILDOES - METAL                Norm Storer              



There was and old man of Dundee,                            
Who came home as drunk as could be.                         
He wound up the clock                                       
With the end of his cock,                                   
And buggared his wife with the key.                         
                                                            
23410 DILDOES - METAL                Norman Douglas      L0291



A patrolman on Interstate Five                              
Whose tool was no longer alive                              
Deceived his dumb spouse                                    
Every time they'd carouse                                   
With the aid of his Colt forty-five.                        
                                                            
23411 DILDOES - METAL                Arthur Deex         P9401



For a phallus, Miss Winifred Stead,                         
Used a bar from the foot of the bed.                        
But lacking the touch                                       
Of blacksmiths and such,                                    
Kept her ever from forging ahead.                           
                                                            
23412 DILDOES - METAL                                         



A shapely young lass with a very big ass                    
Had a dildo made out of the very best brass.                
She had little instruction                                  
In its use or construction,                                 
And her friends mostly thought it quite crass.              
                                                            
23413 DILDOES - METAL                                    G2078



There was a young girl from New York                        
Who got all her fun with a fork.                            
She said, "It won't beat                                    
Six inches of meat,                                         
But why be scared of the stork?"                            
                                                            
23414 DILDOES - METAL                                    G2173



An old nymphomaniac's lust                                  
Was for iron bolts covered with rust.                       
One day in a passion                                        
She exceeded her ration,                                    
Gave birth to a shipwreck, and bust!                        
                                                            
23415 DILDOES - METAL                                    G2160



The rich old man's drive has abated.                        
Yet his young wife demands to be sated.                     
But the problem is solved;                                  
Of guilt he's absolved;                                     
The dildo he gave her's gold plated.                        
                                                            
23416 DILDOES - METAL                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



There once was a man named Brian                            
Who had a fight with a lion.                                
The lion's fang                                             
Dispensed with his whang;                                   
He now wears prosthesis of iron.                            
                                                            
23417 DILDOES - METAL                Puff Adder               



Although his joint does look odd                            
And keeps him permanently hard,                             
If not used enough,                                         
It starts in to rust                                        
And it acts like a lightning rod.                           
                                                            
23418 DILDOES - METAL                Puff Adder               



There's problems with an iron cock,                         
Aside from electrical shock.                                
Women, I'm told,                                            
Say it feels much too cold,                                 
And your dick wears holes in your jock.                     
                                                            
23419 DILDOES - METAL                Puff Adder               



Sometimes his life is frenetic,                             
As objects become kinetic.                                  
Many an eye                                                 
Has noticed his fly                                         
Adorned with things magnetic.                               
                                                            
23420 DILDOES - METAL                Puff Adder               



Penile replacements are neat                                
When some can reach down to your feet!                      
But one should avoid                                        
Those with metal alloyed...                                 
Choose a texture that's closer to meat.                     
                                                            
23421 DILDOES - METAL                Frank Fazed              



The older male should be discrete                           
When chosing the best way to treat                          
That failing erector.                                       
Some metal detector                                         
Will notice the iron, then go "BLEEET!"                     
                                                            
23422 DILDOES - METAL                Frank Fazed              



They should come in all kinds of colors,                    
With funny shapes -- some like crullers,                    
That squirt out like jelly                                  
All over my belly;                                          
Some shiny, some smooth, and some dullers.                  
                                                            
23423 DILDOES - METAL                Arden                    



There was a young lady named Hopper,                        
Owned twelve dozen dildos of copper.                        
The Army reclaimed them,                                    
You can't really blame them                                 
For branding her hoarding "improper."                       
                                                            
23424 DILDOES - METAL                                    G2143



A lady who lived in St John's                               
Was renowned for her dildo of bronze.                       
She died by a quirk                                         
That look like fireworks,                                   
When she put it in over her nylons.                         
                                                            
23425 DILDOES - METAL                Robert Elliot            



You can't take it with you, they say,                       
But don't tell promiscuous Faye.                            
The pine box she was sold                                   
Has a dildo of gold;                                        
So she'd have a perpetual lay!                              
                                                            
23426 DILDOES - METAL                Mark Levy           P9402



There was a thin lady from Hungary                          
Who had something pushed up her bungery.                    
But it wasn't the size                                      
That brought tears to her eyes--                            
She'd a dildo, that big, of ironmongery.                    
                                                            
23427 DILDOES - METAL                                    G2145



There once was a gal from North Eire,                       
Who fondled a Middlesex Squire;                             
'Twas a sausage she seeked,                                 
But then when she peeked,                                   
All she found was a thin copper wire.                       
                                                            
23428 DILDOES - METAL                Perry Nelson             



Such discovery might bring on some ire,                     
'Cause wire can't put out THAT  fire,                       
But this lady was bright,                                   
And she hooked it up right,                                 
And discovered that 'Sqwires' never tire.                   
                                                            
23429 DILDOES - METAL                Perry Nelson             



She satisfied needs which were dire,                        
And learned what it means to inspire;                       
When she flipped on the light,                              
His dang thing did ignite!                                  
The inspired Squire's Wire was on Fire!                     
                                                            
23430 DILDOES - METAL                Perry Nelson             



There was a young lady named Rackstraw,                     
Titillated herself with a hack-saw.                         
As a result of this action                                  
She no longer has traction,                                 
And a penis feels just like a jackstraw.                    
                                                            
23431 DILDOES - METAL                                    L1327



"To guarantee hard-ons," says Wiel,                         
"A magnet and slivers of steel.                             
Attach steel to end                                         
Of penis (Pat. Pend.):                                      
The magnet the blood will congeal."                         
                                                            
23432 DILDOES - METAL                Irving Superior     P9304



Paula Pillock paid pillows of pounds                        
For a peter of pewter, no doubt.                            
For while pounding the peter,                               
Her ponderous meter                                         
Cause the pewter to plumb peter out.                        
                                                            
23433 DILDOES - METAL                California Marty         



Oh baby it's gonna be great,                                
But please let me set something straight:                   
Pine's plated with steel;                                   
That's more than a meal,                                    
When Woody and you conjugate.                               
                                                            
23434 DILDOES - METAL                                         



In 'Bama the chicks love fresh collards                     
And cornbread and dancin' at Pollard's;                     
But each Saturday night,                                    
They do it up right --                                      
They squat on the docks on the bollards.                    
                                                            
23435 DILDOES - METAL                Travis Brasell           



Now the thing that makes this so great,                     
Is that if her boyfriend runs late,                         
She's AC-DC;                                                
So it's really quite easy                                   
To start in without her date.                               
                                                            
23436 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



Theresa, the subject of scandals,                           
Used to use unscented candles,                              
But now thinks it's nice                                    
To use a device                                             
With batteries, buzzers, and handles.                       
                                                            
23437 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Mac                      



Invented by the devil's spawn,                              
A tool that makes men yawn.                                 
Even guys with some class                                   
Will be out on their ass,                                   
When vibrators can mow the lawn.                            
                                                            
23438 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Frank Fazed              



I know a young woman named Jones                            
Who loves having sex with cell phones.                      
Turns the vibrate full blast                                
And shoves phone up her ass,                                
Then calls herself, 'midst moans and groans.                
                                                            
23439 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



Now, girls, if your sweetheart's a louse,                   
You can chase him right out of the house.                   
Then enjoy your Ronco (TM)                                  
Toy (built like a bronco),                                  
Twelve ways at the click of a mouse.                        
                                                            
23440 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



As my brain, through the rhyme theme, went thumbing,        
It occurred, though the concept is numbing;                 
"Energizers inserted,                                       
Backwards--perverted,                                       
Causing her to keep coming and coming.                      
(Energizer Bunny keeps going and going in the ads - McW)    
23441 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9603



A Lesbian on a divan,                                       
Her favorite vibrator in hand,                              
Said 'twixt the moaning                                     
And buzzing and groaning:                                   
"I'm coming as quick as I can!"                             
                                                            
23442 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            JT                       



While cuddled up under a blanket,                           
She murmured quite softly, "Dear Frank, it                  
Was quite with dismay                                       
To find you were gay.                                       
Pass me my vibrator and crank it."                          
                                                            
23443 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            H Myers            T9712 



Gladys, I'm sad to report,                                  
Her debut at this time must abort.                          
She looks like Don King.                                    
It's not her fault, poor thing.                             
Her vibrator developed a short!                             
                                                            
23444 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            John K. Roberts     P9302



The latest vibrating device,                                
For girls, adds a little more spice;                        
When thrust in the moister                                  
Warms depths of an oyster,                                  
It doubles its speed in a trice.                            
                                                            
23445 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Peter Wilkins            



A nympho named Suzie, from Ower,                            
Who fancies a fuck every hour,                              
Has worn out the boys,                                      
So now she employs                                          
Machines with electrical power.                             
                                                            
23446 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Tiddy                    



My vibrator battery's dying..                               
This is a bummer, I'm not denying.                          
It gives me a lift,                                         
Such an erogenous gift,                                     
That I simply find ELECTRIFYING!                            
                                                            
23447 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Jim Weaver Collection    



"Oh Debbie, whatever's the mattery?"                        
"Oh Pete, it's this Duracell? battery;                      
I'm saddened because                                        
My vibrator won't buzz."                                    
"Would it help to regard it with flattery?"                 
                                                            
23448 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



Those plastic vibrators just might                          
Be for blind dates who turn out a fright.                   
When you find she's a pill, go                              
And hand her the dildo,                                     
And say, "Here's your late date. Goodnight."                
                                                            
23449 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Theo M. Heller      P9304



"Ah! I understand now," as he read,                         
"It's something you use in a bed                            
While prone on your back,                                   
To vibrate your crack.                                      
Oh dear.  Forget what I said."                              
                                                            
23450 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



When pudendal friction's required,                          
But the lass, at the moment's, unsquired,                   
Be sure to make use                                         
Of D cells with some juice,                                 
Or opt for a wand that's hard wired.                        
                                                            
23451 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Tjarda Van Den Berg      



It seems you are not 'thusiastic                            
For romps with me, orgiastic.                               
No sleep will I lose                                        
If you want to use                                          
That vibrating thing made of plastic.                       
                                                            
23452 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Tiddy                    



I am off to find someone to cater                           
To my sexul needs, maybe greater                            
Than your need to see                                       
That shit on TV.                                            
When YOU need sex, grab your vibrator.                      
                                                            
23453 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Spinner                  



The lady so dear to my heart                                
Had a vibrator that had a kick start.                       
It would diddle my bride                                    
So vigorously inside,                                       
Every time she came, she would fart!                        
                                                            
23454 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            MrMalo                   



My vibrator's high-powered and fast;                        
All the night long it can last.                             
When my honey's pump                                        
Goes into a slump,                                          
And hangs itself down at half-mast.                         
                                                            
23455 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Arden                    



A vibrator's a good product indeed,                         
For there is many a housewife in need.                      
Hell, I'll do some knocking,                                
And though it seem shocking,                                
For this company, I'll plant the seed.                      
                                                            
23456 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Rodney Williams          



A vibrator may come in handy,                               
When you're alone and feeling randy-                        
When it starts to hum,                                      
It can make you......uhm,hmmm-                              
In a pinch, it'll do fine and dandy !!!!                    
                                                            
23457 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Jim Weaver Collection    



A fussy and picky lass, Eve,                                
Asked all her men friends to leave,                         
Then bought a vibrator,                                     
Because it could take her                                   
To places you wouldn't believe!                             
                                                            
23458 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



I bought a new electric toy.                                
It probes and it pulsates, oh boy!                          
My girlfriend enjoys it,                                    
And often employs it,                                       
When I'm not around to bring joy.                           
                                                            
23459 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



At one time I might've been pissed                          
And thought of myself badly dissed,                         
By the obvious fact,                                        
Though my pecker you lacked,                                
You bought things so I'd not be missed.                     
                                                            
23460 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



I'd rather not temper your joys,                            
'Cause that isn't one of my ploys.                          
So when I'm not near,                                       
Just switch it on, dear,                                    
For pleasure.  What's that BUZZING NOISE?                   
                                                            
23461 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



My sweetheart has wounded my pride;                         
Without me she's well satisfied.                            
As a skilled operator                                       
Of a high-tech vibrator,                                    
She's pleased with her Intel Inside.                        
                                                            
23462 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



My bitch doesn't need me because                            
She's been fooling around in her fuzz                       
With the dildo from hell                                    
That makes her feel swell;                                  
A hard wired thing that goes buzzzzzz....                   
                                                            
23463 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Kaylin Brandon           



A dolly whose sex needs were drastic,                       
Had a curious device made of plastic.                       
When she lacked a hot date                                  
It ran early and late,                                      
Though the kilowatt cost was fantastic.                     
                                                            
23464 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Grand Prix Lim   56      



I have got a vibrator for thee;                             
And it runs off a truck battery;                            
With the joything in hand,                                  
If it holds you, I can                                      
Watch the NFL on the TV!                                    
                                                            
23465 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



An inventive young man named McCool                         
Had a battery wired to his spool.                           
Inserted in frills,                                         
It gave kilowatt thrills,                                   
So the thought of McCool makes them drool.                  
                                                            
23466 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Grand Prix Lim  591      



I'm simply enthralled by your genius,                       
In creating a creature so heinous.                          
But for lack of one part,                                   
'Twould have stolen your heart --                           
A vibrator used for the penis.                              
                                                            
23467 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



A vibrator does not cause me fright,                        
Because I can go on all night.                              
Whether AA or D,                                            
They can't keep up with me.                                 
They simply do not have the might.                          
                                                            
23468 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Laurence E. Bernstein    



The new Popeil(tm) Pocket Vibrator --                       
A device that will surely elate her!                        
Try it one month for free,                                  
With our guarantee:                                         
Money back if it fails to sate her!                         
                                                            
23469 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



A lesbian was on a divan,                                   
A fan of old Elton John,                                    
Strove to name her vibrator.                                
A little while later,                                       
Decided to name it "Leave On".                              
                                                            
23470 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Jim Weaver Collection    



Does your vibrator have a pet name?                         
If it doesn't, I'd say that's a shame;                      
Carpal Tunnel is foiled,                                    
While you're getting well-oiled;                            
Just pretend I'm the moth in your flame!                    
                                                            
23471 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



I purchased a vibrating stick.                              
They said that it would make things click.                  
I tossed it to him.                                         
My dog's old and dim;                                       
I could not teach him this new trick.                       
                                                            
23472 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



At the opera, from inside Miss Goff                         
Came a loud hum not even her cough                          
Could hide. At her side       (Her date said,)              
Her escort replied,           (With his face turning red,)  
"Can't you turn that damn vibrator off?"                    
(Michael Weinstein - second version)                        
23473 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Fred Cohen          P8602



Vibrators were only invented                                
To keep all you ladies contented.                           
But some of you using them,                                 
Can't help abusing them,                                    
Screwing yourself quite demented.                           
                                                            
23474 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            PeterW                   



A lively young lassie of Guelph                             
Was left, by the lads, on the shelf.                        
So she bought a vibrator                                    
And said, a bit later:                                      
"You know, I'm quite pleased with myself."                  
                                                            
23475 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            John Mayhood        P0206



There was a young lass from Decatur                         
Who'd become a wild masturbater.                            
"Men are so hit-or-miss                                     
When tickling my clitoris,                                  
That I've purchased a big new vibrator.                     
                                                            
23476 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Raymond Mulford          



There once was a girl named Girth                           
With the biggest vibrator on Earth.                         
When it went up her spout,                                  
All her filling shook out,                                  
And a building fell down in West Perth.                     
                                                            
23477 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



That reminds me of Sadie Mae Ungle,                         
Whose vibrator tended to bungle                             
The job that it had                                         
Of making her glad,                                         
By shaking the fruit in her jungle.                         
                                                            
23478 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Travis Brasell           



I once met this girl from down under,                       
Who made a terrible blunder.                                
Her vibrator shorted,                                       
Shot fire, smoked and snorted,                              
And her very first orgasm stunned her!                      
                                                            
23479 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Stephen Ross             



And now down at K-mart you'll see                           
A new blue-light special -- aisle three:                    
Australian vibrators                                        
With a bite like a gator's;                                 
The girls love them like old Crock Dundee!                  
                                                            
23480 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            ROE                      



A Lesbian on a divan                                        
Had a vibrator made in Japan.                               
In the midst of a stroke,                                   
The fucking thing broke,                                    
So she suffered blue-balls until dawn!                      
                                                            
23481 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



Hey Girls!  Oggmart has a new line --                       
Sun-powered vibrators!  They're fine                        
For tickling your poosy,                                    
But you got to be choosy;                                   
Don't stick 'em where sun doesn't shine.                    
                                                            
23482 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Tiddy Ogg                



Your invention sure sounds like a honey,                    
And a sure way to save lots of money.                       
It's not fun when I'm hot,                                  
But the battery's not.                                      
And I hate that annoying pink bunny.                        
                                                            
23483 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Jeanie                   



Yes, your sun powered cock's really neat,                   
But the next time I'm feeling the heat,                     
Must I take this fake hard-on                               
Out into my garden?                                         
The neighbors are in for a treat!                           
                                                            
23484 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Jeanie                   



There's buzzers for all sorts of sin,                       
Ones with feathers or furs or a fin.                        
There's one methane powered,                                
If your backsides deflowered,                               
It runs great when you go and break wind.                   
                                                            
23485 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            CM                       



Meanwhile, if while taking a tan,                           
I get horney and there is no man,                           
A sun-powered bone                                          
Can be all my own.                                          
Do you offer an installment plan?                           
                                                            
23486 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Carol                    



Although a young girl I am not,                             
A sun-powered dildo sounds hot.                             
I wouldn't abuse it                                         
But cautiously use it,                                      
For picking out bogies and snot.                            
                                                            
23487 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Tiddy Ogg                



And if my cock started to harden,                           
I'd go for a run 'round the garden,                         
To get rid of the stiffy                                    
'Cause nose cleaning is iffy                                
In the sexual field -- beg your pardon.                     
                                                            
23488 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Chris Lilley             



Go heat up your skull in the shower                         
And wear a warm hat for an hour.                            
Rub a vibrator                                              
Over that tater.                                            
But be sure to plug in the power.                           
                                                            
23489 DILDOES - VIBRATORS                                     



There once was a girl from Decatur                          
Had a 20 horsepower vibrator,                               
With auxilliary spanker,                                    
A thirteen inch anchor                                      
That had to be reinforced later.                            
                                                            
23490 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            MrMalo                   



His balls did ache, yes quite sore;                         
He's to meet her at quarter past four,                      
Next to her he did sit,                                     
But he'd stepped in dog shit,                               
So she left with her old vibrator!                          
                                                            
23491 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Jim Weaver Collection    



My versatile vibrator fits                                  
Comfortably between my tits.                                
And even down there                                         
Amid my pussy hair,                                         
Or back by where I sometimes sits.                          
                                                            
23492 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Arden                    



My girl, I thought I could mate her.                        
And I even thought I could sate her.                        
But now it seems,                                           
'Twas only my dreams;                                       
She's in love with her vibrator.                            
                                                            
23493 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Les Stewart              



A vibrator designer named Lance                             
Did research under four different grants.                   
He worked hard and he made                                  
A combo vibe/hearing aid,                                   
For 80-year-old broads with hot pants.                      
                                                            
23494 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Michael Weinstein   P8509



It would be a great occupation                              
Going door to door 'cross the nation                        
Selling vibrators                                           
To housewife masturbators,                                  
And at each give a demonstration.                           
                                                            
23495 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            MrMalo                   



I know a sweet lady named Brenda,                           
Who had an affair with a blenda.                            
She said, "Stir is fine,                                    
Whip is divine,                                             
But it wore the hair off my pudenda."                       
                                                            
23496 DILDOES - VIBRATORS            Bob Moers          TP9804



A bloke, upon learning love matters, 'e                     
Is likely to give a lass flattery.                          
However, a present                                          
Will make her more pleasant:                                
She wants for her dildo -- a battery!                       
                                                            
23497 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Travis                   



Those double-A batteries, see,                              
Last twice as long as a size C.                             
But they will leak acid                                     
Before they go flaccid,                                     
And spew on a large double-D.                               
                                                            
23498 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Travis Brasell           



A vibrator can't lose erection;                             
You can dispense with protection.                           
But if batteries fail,                                      
You must look for a male.                                   
It can cause a girl's utter dejection!                      
                                                            
23499 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Al Willis           T9801



The batteries in my device                                  
Are weekly replaced at least thrice.                        
I once was deflowered                                       
By something gas-powered,                                   
And batteries just ain't as nice.                           
                                                            
23500 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  LadyJ                    



The neighbors began to complain                             
Whenever it started to rain;                                
I stayed in my room                                         
With my toy (vroom vroom vroom).                            
It was audible even in Spain!                               
                                                            
23501 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  LadyJ                    



My dildo no longer needs keys,                              
And is not quite so able to please...                       
But before you all mock,                                    
Just buy lots of stock                                      
In companies that sell batteries.                           
                                                            
23502 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  LadyJ                    



"My vibrator's battery's dying!"                            
Sobbed Jill, uncontrollably crying --                       
She's desolate 'cause                                       
She gets off on that buzz                                   
In mere seconds, and only half trying.                      
                                                            
23503 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  CB                       



There once was a toy so obscene                             
It rendered dildos jealously green                          
The joy it imparted                                         
Was cancelled when parted                                   
With the batteries that powered the machine.                
                                                            
23504 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



My vibrator's battery's dying!                              
My 800 pound Gorilla is sighing!                            
The gargantuan groaner,                                     
Wants to massage his boner,                                 
So, Evereadys I soon will be buying.                        
                                                            
23505 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  John Chastaine      T9707



My vibrator's battery's dying!                              
Can't fit new ones in, so I'm trying                        
Two double-A cells.                                         
Hope they ring my bells.                                    
But two D-cells would be 'lectrifying!                      
                                                            
23506 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Younger Brother          



Kathy's Diehard is now on the fritz;                        
No vibrator, she's out of her wits.                         
Her finger is cramped                                       
And left feeling unkempt;                                   
She'll trade batteries for flashing her tits.               
                                                            
23507 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES                           



Today's successful womanizers                               
Are always the best improvisers.                            
No romance anymore,                                         
Just show up at the door                                    
With a handful of fresh Energizers!                         
                                                            
23508 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  MrMalo                   



To her beau, she whined and then sighed;                    
Her vibrator battery died.                                  
She got off instead                                         
With ten minutes of head,                                   
Then she gave his old Willy a ride!                         
                                                            
23509 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Stan                     



It's easy to please young Miss Flattery,                    
She wants not a hat from the hattery,                       
Nor shoes alligator,                                        
But for her vibrator,                                       
She's thrilled with the gift of a battery.                  
                                                            
23510 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES                           



My vibrator's batteries dying;                              
My husband's not here and I'm crying.                       
To generate watts                                           
We need for our twats,                                      
A generator we'll be buying.                                
                                                            
23511 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



Lacking batteries, a lady of Staines                        
Plugged her dildo straight into the mains.                  
The resulting great shock,                                  
Equalled multiple cock,                                     
But she orgasmed well for her pains.                        
                                                            
23512 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  AA                       



Drugstores today are fantastic;                             
They sell battery-run dildoes of plastic.                   
They come red, white, or spade,                             
All Japanese made--                                         
As well as in Slow, Fast, and Spastic.                      
                                                            
23513 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES                      G2118



Well, dear, if there's no one about,                        
And relief, you just can't do without --                    
Get yourself a sex toy,                                     
It will give you great joy --                               
At least till the batteries wear out!                       
                                                            
23514 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  lilsil2                  



One co-ed, a rabid man-hater,                               
Allowed no man at college to date her.                      
In a drawer she kept locked,                                
She was very well stocked                                   
With batteries for her vibrator.                            
                                                            
23515 DILDOES - VIBRATORS BATTERIES  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A buttocky beauty named Bella,                              
Went out for a ride with a fella.                           
They returned from the ride                                 
With nothing outside,                                       
But the knob on the fella's umbrella.                       
                                                            
23516 DILDOES - WOODEN               Conrad Aiken             



'Tis true that my phallic reliance                          
Has met with some female defiance.                          
I'll take your advice                                       
About treating them nice,                                   
And use my appliance of science.                            
                                                            
23517 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



I ask my lovely her opinion                                 
On what finger she rubs her quimmy on.                      
She said when romancy,                                      
What tickles her fancy                                      
Best is the constable's truncheon.                          
                                                            
23518 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



There was an old lady named Clarke,                         
Most surely a maiden of mark.                               
She made her fat womb stick                                 
Astride a broomstick--                                      
And ho! for a lark in the dark.                             
                                                            
23519 DILDOES - WOODEN               A. Crowley          G2106



Miss Fern did attach to the churn                           
A dildo, and started to turn.                               
The cream turned to butter                                  
With nary an flutter;                                       
When the butter was made, so was Fern.                      
                                                            
23520 DILDOES - WOODEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-1841



A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,                       
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.                         
She had nowhere to turn,                                    
So she diddled the churn,                                   
And managed to come with the butter.                        
                                                            
23521 DILDOES - WOODEN                                   L1350



A maimed engineer from New York                             
Was furnished a prick made of cork.                         
Inserted, it cracked                                        
And totally lacked                                          
The requisite tension and torque.                           
                                                            
23522 DILDOES - WOODEN               Armand E Singer        74



An amputee veteran named York                               
Was issued a penis of cork.                                 
Though the shape was okay,                                  
When he started to lay,                                     
They had to develop more torque.                            
                                                            
23523 DILDOES - WOODEN               Armand E Singer       74A



There was an old cripple named Hutch                        
Whose lovemaking, girls found too much!                     
He'd stand on a chair,                                      
Hold them by the hair,                                      
And do the poor things with his crutch.                     
                                                            
23524 DILDOES - WOODEN               Ogden Nield              



Petunia, the prude of Mount Hood,                           
Devised an odd object of wood,                              
Which, employed on hot nights,                              
Gave her carnal delights                                    
Far beyond what the average man could.                      
                                                            
23525 DILDOES - WOODEN               Grand Prix Lim  610 G2170



There was a young girl named Coleen                         
Who had almost no self-esteem.                              
She went down to the copse,                                 
And she screwed fifteen mops,                               
Just to say she had fucked Mister Clean.                    
(Mister Clean - a commercial cleaning solution)             
23526 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



There was a young lady from Dallas,                         
Whose conduct in coitus was callous.                        
But this stopped on the night                               
When her man, out of spite,                                 
Used a fireman's axe for a phallus.                         
                                                            
23527 DILDOES - WOODEN                                   G0557



In many a folk song, one sees,                              
The ludicrous theme, if you please,                         
Of cross-dressing girls,                                    
Having cut off their curls,                                 
To search for their love overseas.                          
                                                            
23528 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



What follows is one such farrago,                           
Where she's crept on the ship with the cargo.               
Here in her own words                                       
Is the tale, quite absurd,                                  
As related to me by young Margot.                           
                                                            
23529 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



I once went to sea in a frigate,                            
With the captain I soon was a big hit,                      
He said "Come to my cabin,                                  
Much fun we'll be havin'                                    
When you see the size of my spigot."                        
                                                            
23530 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



Now orders they must be obeyed,                             
With no chance that they'd be belayed,                      
So I went very nervous,                                     
To this perverted service,                                  
Still hoping I wouldn't get laid.                           
                                                            
23531 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



There he made me grab hold of his hawser,                   
While talking the while in terms coarser,                   
Than I'd e'er heard before                                  
In my life on the shore,                                    
And then started quoting from Chaucer.                      
                                                            
23532 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



The sod only wanted a wank,                                 
For which I did truly give thanks,                          
As a poor cabin boy,                                        
I was just his sex toy...                                   
Then he told me to strip, my heart sank.                    
                                                            
23533 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



He yelled "Hey, your mizzen mast's mizzen.                  
This sure is so strange, so lad lizzen,                     
Go see seaman Stains                                        
And he'll take great pains,                                 
To make you a tool for your pizzen."                        
                                                            
23534 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



He made me a dick, artificial,                              
Which turned out to be beneficial,                          
Pleasing many officials                                     
Maritime and judicial,                                      
As I satisfied their every wishial.                         
                                                            
23535 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



At last in the port of Genoa,                               
I found my love, with an old whoa.                          
I called him a shit,                                        
Cut off his bowsprit,                                       
And sailed on my warship once moa.                          
                                                            
23536 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



And so I've lived up till today;                            
My clients I'll serve either way.                           
So where's your cash?                                       
Then I'll give you a flash,                                 
Of my wonderful wooden jack-stay.                           
                                                            
23537 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



There was an old gal from LA                                
Who bloody well loved to play.                              
She found a large stick,                                    
Carved on it a dick,                                        
And diddled herself every day.                              
                                                            
23538 DILDOES - WOODEN               Sam                      



A spinster physician named Spock,                           
Carves wood in the shape of a cock.                         
Which is why it is said,                                    
That at nighttime in bed,                                   
She's a hickory, dickery doc.                               
                                                            
23539 DILDOES - WOODEN               Jim Weaver Collection    



An old veteran whose name it was Frump,                     
Had a leg that was naught but a stump.                      
With a lass in a loft,                                      
His penis went soft;                                        
With the stump he finished the hump.                        
                                                            
23540 DILDOES - WOODEN               Puff Adder               



Quite ingenious was that old vet Frump,                     
When his cock went from log to a lump.                      
Was the loft filled with hay                                
While consumating this lay?                                 
If not, it'd be rough on the rump.                          
                                                            
23541 DILDOES - WOODEN               S C Saint                



A thoughtful Girl Scout, Joyce Marie,                       
Saw her troop leader fucking a tree.                        
"I think I'd be anxious                                     
About some of the branches.                                 
Still, I wish it would do it to me.                         
                                                            
23542 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



The impotent Bishop of Bilbo                                
Used his walking stick as a dildo.                          
His gal, with a grunt,                                      
Took it all up her cunt--                                   
Her sex life was utterly killed though.                     
                                                            
23543 DILDOES - WOODEN                                   G2675



A famous young lad, Jason Vickery                           
Was oft accused of some trickery.                           
He once told a lass                                         
With a glass on her ass,                                    
That his dick was made out of old hickory!                  
                                                            
23544 DILDOES - WOODEN               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Hecker                        
Who proffered a prosthetic pecker.                          
It was fashioned from oak,                                  
And it stiffened his stroke,                                
But his wife was afraid it would wreck her.                 
                                                            
23545 DILDOES - WOODEN               Haskel Bazell            



A lesbian lassie named Anny,                                
Desired to appear much more manny.                          
So she whittled a pud                                       
Of mahogany wood,                                           
And let it protrude from her cranny.                        
                                                            
23546 DILDOES - WOODEN                                   L1235



A siphoned-off fellow named Brammer                         
Said, "My wife is a nympholept, damn her!                   
When she's worn out my handle                               
She manhandles a candle,                                    
And the handle, sometimes, of my hammer!"                   
                                                            
23547 DILDOES - WOODEN               Grand Prix Lim  826      



The wife of young sea-captain Gray,                         
Deprived of her absent mate's lay,                          
Found a dildo of wood                                       
Was almost as good.                                         
So she's happily pining away.                               
                                                            
23548 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



There was a young fellow named Hunt,                        
Who was punting his girl in a punt.                         
When she said, "On the whole,                               
While you're wielding that pole,                            
I'd prefer you avoided my front."                           
                                                            
23549 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



There was a young lady of Diss,                             
Who went to the river to piss.                              
The men in the punt                                         
Shoved a pole up her cunt,                                  
And gave her most exquisite bliss.                          
                                                            
23550 DILDOES - WOODEN                                   G0037



I know how you feel about that!                             
Although my cock's long, firm, and fat,                     
And my babe treats me well,                                 
I am lazy as hell,                                          
And I'm usually replaced by a bat.                          
                                                            
23551 DILDOES - WOODEN               H Whelchel               



There was a young girl named Tropp                          
Who impaled herself on a mop.                               
After thrusting away                                        
The better part of a day,                                   
She rolled around in the slop.                              
                                                            
23552 DILDOES - WOODEN               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a woman from Khartoum,                            
That fucked herself with a broom.                           
Now when she farts,                                         
Her legs fly apart,                                         
And she shits all over the room.                            
                                                            
23553 DILDOES - WOODEN               Bobby                    



There was an old man of Shamokin,                           
Fucked his wife with his wooden leg, oaken.                 
So quick did he stick her,                                  
Pretending to prick her,                                    
That he soon had her cunt all a-smokin'.                    
                                                            
23554 DILDOES - WOODEN                                   L1535



An active young girl in the church                          
Was sixteen times left in the lurch,                        
Which is why she would park                                 
In the woods in the dark                                    
And get out and make love to a birch.                       
                                                            
23555 DILDOES - WOODEN               Neal Wilgus         P8302



A lascivious lady of Raleigh,                               
Much in love with the pole of a trolley,                    
Had some unorthodox                                         
But sensational shocks                                      
To enliven her sexual folly.                                
                                                            
23556 DILDOES - WOODEN               Keith MacMillan     A090A



A policeman from Lewisham junction,                         
Whose organ had long ceased to function,                    
Deceived his poor wife,                                     
For the rest of her life,                                   
By judicious use of his truncheon.                          
                                                            
23557 DILDOES - WOODEN                                   L1314



She married old Mr. Golightly                               
(At ninety, surprisingly sprightly)                         
In hopes he would cough                                     
It, and leave her well off                                  
If she bonked him some twenty times nightly.                
                                                            
23558 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



But Mr. Golightly weren't daft;                             
He remembered his carpentry craft.                          
And he fashioned a todger                                   
Of wood (the old codger)                                    
And laughed as she wore out her aft.                        
                                                            
23559 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



Young Simon was ogling Yvette,                              
All breathless and dripping with sweat.                     
He watched her sunbathe                                     
While turning his lathe,                                    
To fashion the tool she wood get.                           
                                                            
23560 DILDOES - WOODEN               SFA                      



There once was a lady from Seoul,                           
Who wasn't averse to a pole,                                
{Having first been de-limbed                                
And all the bark trimmed}                                   
Shoved WAAAAYYYY the fuck up in her hole.                   
                                                            
23561 DILDOES - WOODEN                                        



A feeble old fellow named Kregg                             
Was fucking a whore with one leg.                           
He could not make the grade                                 
And the whore was dismayed,                                 
So she finished herself with her peg.                       
                                                            
23562 DILDOES - WOODEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-1875



There was an old maid named McComb,                         
Who liked her men tall and handsome.                        
(She could also make do,                                    
With a finger or two,                                       
At the end of her calloused old thumb.)                     
                                                            
23563 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Clifford Christ     G2710



The mistress of General Bonaparte                           
From whom he had callously grown apart,                     
Used a dynamite stick                                       
As a surrogate prick,                                       
Which goddamned near got the girl blown apart.              
                                                            
23564 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Armand E Singer        86



She made a thing of soft leather,                           
And topped off the end with a feather.                      
When she poked it inside her                                
She took off like a glider,                                 
And gave up her lover forever.                              
                                                            
23565 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                 L1288



A eunuch frequenting Bangkok,                               
Used to borrow the deified jock,                            
From a local rain-god,                                      
When he went for a prod.                                    
You could hear the girl yell for a block!                   
                                                            
23566 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                 L1239



There was a young girl from the five-and-ten,               
Who diddled herself with a fountain pen.                    
The top came off,                                           
The ink went wild,                                          
And now she's in bed with a colored child.                  
                                                            
23567 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                 L0923



A French pastry baker in Broule                             
Baked goodies the shape of a tool.                          
Filled with red marmalades,                                 
They were bought by old maids,                              
Who, while buying a box full, would drool...                
                                                            
23568 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Grand Prix Lim  422      



There was a young lady from Munich,                         
Who was had in a park by a eunuch.                          
At the moment of passion,                                   
He shot her a ration                                        
From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic.                   
                                                            
23569 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                 L1311



The black hair that covers Kay's pubes,                     
Excites us susceptible boobs,                               
And we shuck out good money                                 
To fuck her do-funny--                                      
She prefers to use greased mailing tubes.                   
                                                            
23570 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                 G2192



There's a certain erotic old bum,                           
Whom no one can think of as dumb.                           
At the end of a bout,                                       
When his prick is worn out,                                 
He shifts to the use of his thumb.                          
                                                            
23571 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Isaac Asimov             



I asked this gay fellow, James,                             
If inflatable men were his games.                           
He said that they'll do                                     
When he just wants to screw,                                
But fake dicks just don't taste the same!                   
                                                            
23572 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             H Myer                   



A lesbian girl from Bordeaux,                               
Kept a two-ended dildo for show.                            
But the actual one                                          
That she used for fun,                                      
Was Japanese rubber big toe.                                
                                                            
23573 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



Dildoes are touchy at best,                                 
Especially applied to a guest.                              
"I imagined a meal,                                         
Not a long latex eel,"                                      
One huffy invitee confessed.                                
                                                            
23574 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             53-MERC                  



The respected designer, Bill Blass,                         
Has invented a dildo of glass.                              
But be careful with its use                                 
'Cause with too much self abuseM                            
You'll have splinters of glass in your ass.                 
                                                            
23575 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Arnie               P0110



A gal whose particular vice                                 
Was to make herself dildoes of ice                          
Explained, "While they're chilly                            
And perhaps somewhat silly,                                 
They cool my device very nice."                             
(Leopold Fechtner collection)                               
23576 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Grand Prix Lim  733 P8701



"No bananas," she said with a sigh,                         
And a tear trickled down from her eye.                      
"No cukes, no zucchinis,                                    
No Oscar Meyer weenies,                                     
I'll have to go find me a guy."                             
                                                            
23577 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Fran                     



There was a young girl at the front,                        
Who stuck her pen up her cunt.                              
The reason why:                                             
Her pen had run dry,                                        
And all of her pencils were blunt.                          
                                                            
23578 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Dominic Barrington       



Old Rosie, a spinster from Ottery,                          
Late last year she won the lottery.                         
She now spends her days                                     
In a lust-induced haze,                                     
Making ornaments phallic of pottery.                        
                                                            
23579 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Peter Wilkins            



There was a young girl named Dalrymple,                     
Who sexual needs were so simple.                            
She enjoyed the full spasm,                                 
Of a perfect orgasm,                                        
By frigging herself on a pimple                             
                                                            
23580 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                 L1702



I've heard that when clogging a dyke,                       
She'll scream an abusive dislike.                           
To oversized dicks.                                         
They like plastic pricks,                                   
That plunge with two twists and a pike.                     
                                                            
23581 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                      



A sexual cripple and spastic                                
Has a prosthetic penis of plastic.                          
He could twirl it and spin it,                              
And reload in one minute --                                 
It performed in a manner fantastic!                         
                                                            
23582 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Albin Chaplin 3024  G2207



The thing that she likes about boys is                      
Their grunting and snuffling noises.                        
Though chauvinist pigs,                                     
These small Mr Bigs                                         
Are better than those plastic toyses.                       
                                                            
23583 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             SFA                      



Sometimes she just can't get enough,                        
Nurse Nympho, who screws in the buff;                       
Salamis and corn                                            
She strokes them till worn.                                 
My God, what she puts in her muff!                          
                                                            
23584 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Mark Levy           P9603



"I'll admit", said a lady named Starr,                      
"That a phallus is like a cigar.                            
But to most common people                                   
A phallic church steeple                                    
Is stretching the matter to far."                           
                                                            
23585 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS                                 L1543



Today, girls, I met with a snake.                           
Boy! Could he wiggle and shake!                             
Put him in your fuzz                                        
And let that guy buzz --                                    
What a hell of a dildo he'd make!                           
                                                            
23586 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             John Miller 0318a        



No mere foot, but a full yard in size;                      
Just think how he'd feel 'twixt your thighs.                
If you man got too antsy                                    
To get in your pants, he                                    
Might slow down a bit in surprise.                          
                                                            
23587 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             John Miller 0318b        



Well, I think that I'd like to grasp                        
That wriggling three-foot-plus asp.                         
I'd part my legs wide                                       
And let it inside,                                          
And let out one hell of a gasp!                             
                                                            
23588 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Arden                    



There once was a sliding glass door                         
At a party, which was quite a bore.                         
With a suction cup dick,                                    
(Vaseline made it slick),                                   
I mounted myself and cried "More!"                          
                                                            
23589 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Anon                     



A mason named Fred with no dick                             
Invented a new way to fick --                               
When the girls in the garden                                
Demanded a hard-on,                                         
He'd batter their twats with a brick!                       
                                                            
23590 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Brian Belge              



I saw this and went out to check                            
Slang lexicons, found by the peck.                          
With all in accordance                                      
That proper avoidence,                                      
Euphemistically speaking is, feck.                          
                                                            
23591 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Brian Belge              



In the Isles, an American Dick                              
Propositioned a street corner chick.                        
She answered "No, holler!                                   
For chust twenty doller --                                  
I geev you one hell of a fick!"                             
                                                            
23592 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Brian Belge              



After climbing the Hamilton Mountain                        
The broad cools herself in the fountain.                    
With a high-pressure spout                                  
While she works in and out,                                 
As she murmurs, ecstatic, "Who's countin'!"                 
                                                            
23593 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Keith MacMillan       63a



There was a young man named Neal                            
Who used to have fun in Brazil.                             
The switch was his trick;                                   
Instead of his prick                                        
He worked his thumbs with great zeal.                       
                                                            
23594 DILDOES - ZVARIOUS             Mac McKinney             



A long time, I guess it's been years,                       
I've been a pariah 'mongst peers,                           
For daring to say                                           
AIDS still is today                                         
A disease of drug addicts and queers.                       
                                                            
23595 DISEASE - AIDS                 John Miller              



I'm hoping that this is a joke                              
Else you are the worst type of bloke.                       
It is perfectly clear                                       
What you want in your rear;                                 
Come on out, the closet's for cloaks.                       
                                                            
23596 DISEASE - AIDS                 K                        



But as for my virginal rear,                                
Let me be perfectly clear:                                  
Excluding a hen                                             
Or a corpse now and then,                                   
I'm not and I've never been queer.                          
                                                            
23597 DISEASE - AIDS                 John Miller              



My days of doomsaying are past;                             
There'll be room on the earth here at last.                 
What with famines and wars                                  
And infected whores,                                        
Looks like Africas emptying fast.                           
                                                            
23598 DISEASE - AIDS                                          



Johnny Q., he worked for the Law,                           
And with them he had a ball,                                
With the whore named Felice,                                
In the back lots and streets;                               
Now AIDS has infected them all.                             
                                                            
23599 DISEASE - AIDS                 Joe Zanchi               



AIDS like a biblical curse,                                 
Is getting progressively worse.                             
The cause?  Lack of soap,                                   
Assholes into dope,                                         
And (pardon the pun) the reverse.                           
                                                            
23600 DISEASE - AIDS                 Martin Wellborn          



A cocky fag freshman named Pease                            
Ignores all the medical pleas;                              
He cuts most his classes,                                   
Is deep into asses,                                         
And sure to get Backdoor Disease.                           
                                                            
23601 DISEASE - AIDS                 Armand E Singer       385



To the doc, said a young girl most fair,                    
"I have crab lice in my maiden hair."                       
"You are very attractive,                                   
And sexually active.                                        
Use this condom, of AIDS please beware."                    
                                                            
23602 DISEASE - AIDS                 Nancy Henry-Kline   P9405



HIV is a nasty infection                                    
Most readily spread by injection.                           
It's spread could be foiled                                 
If injectors were boiled,                                   
But the queers seem to have some objection.                 
                                                            
23603 DISEASE - AIDS                 John Miller              



The answer to AIDS is now clear.                            
Hetros have little to fear!                                 
It's now become cool,                                       
With your limber tool,                                      
To bugger yourself, if you're queer!                        
                                                            
23604 DISEASE - AIDS                 Larry J. Davis      P9312



The Bureau of Customs has moot                              
Rules for entry that one can dispute,                       
As you breach their blockades,                              
If afflicted with AIDS,                                     
But not if you're carrying fruit.                           
                                                            
23605 DISEASE - AIDS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9405



Sally May is just the town whore!                           
She did everyone and the guy next door.                     
From her sex charades,                                      
She caught HIV-AIDS,                                        
Now they will fuck her no more.                             
                                                            
23606 DISEASE - AIDS                 Kaylin Brandon           



I tried it again; no protection                             
Resulting in a nasty infection.                             
Through tears blurred with pain,                            
I've caught AIDS again;                                     
Must rely on my daily injection.                            
                                                            
23607 DISEASE - AIDS                 Percy Longprong          



There was a bloke called Dick                               
Who shagged until he was sick.                              
He'd not use a Rubber                                       
When he went with a scrubber                                
And caught AIDS while having a lick.                        
                                                            
23608 DISEASE - AIDS                                          



A friend of mine from Saskatoon                             
Was always out looking for poon.                            
He found some for free                                      
But she had H.I.V.                                          
So his dick shriveled up like a prune.                      
                                                            
23609 DISEASE - AIDS                 Roy Gateley              



That those with AIDS will be tripped,                       
The curse of AIDS is well quipped.                          
For prevention effectual                                    
In activities sexual,                                       
Flies spread disease, keep yours zipped.                    
                                                            
23610 DISEASE - AIDS                 Roy Shaw            P8807



The toilet invented by Pete                                 
All comfort conditions did meet.                            
In contained an encrustment                                 
Which with proper adjustment                                
Would spread AIDS if you sat on the seat.                   
                                                            
23611 DISEASE - AIDS                 Phil Cannibal       P9001



There once was a man named Fred,                            
Who liked to fuck men in his bed.                           
He picked up some gay blades                                
Who were infected with AIDS,                                
Now Fred isn't fucking, he's dead.                          
                                                            
23612 DISEASE - AIDS                                          



I once had a very fine friend                               
Who turned out to be, with his end,                         
The source of the AIDS                                      
That traversed social grades,                               
Giving some of the gay blades the bends.                    
                                                            
23613 DISEASE - AIDS                 Fred Cohen          P8512



This is how AIDS really starts --                           
Not from buggery, kid-bites, or darts --                    
You must induce a need                                      
In a gay Haitian bleed-                                     
er to weep on your sexual parts.                            
                                                            
23614 DISEASE - AIDS                 Robin K. Willoughby P8512



I sing of two fairies, the Glades,                          
Who life style rates no accolades;                          
They daren't whisper, those queers,                         
Into each other's ears,                                     
For fear they'll contract hearing AIDS.                     
                                                            
23615 DISEASE - AIDS                 Armand E Singer        36



A million medics I hear,                                    
Get needle "sticks" every year.                             
But with hepatitis C                                        
And of course HIV,                                          
I'm sticking as an engineer.                                
                                                            
23616 DISEASE - AIDS                 TiddyOgg                 



Says a sleep-around cockster named Heald,                   
"I'm advised to stop playing the field;                     
I'll admit I feel scared                                    
And I'm fully prepared                                      
To hold back till the AIDS bug's repealed."                 
                                                            
23617 DISEASE - AIDS                 Armand E Singer       948



As you reap them, you sow them;                             
And as Debbie can show them,                                
All these young maids                                       
Will have come down with aids,                              
When Dave tries to biblically know them.                    
                                                            
23618 DISEASE - AIDS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Dating's different for men and for maids;                   
Not harmless are sex escapades.                             
It's no mystery                                             
How this came to be;                                        
It's silly when one might get aids.                         
                                                            
23619 DISEASE - AIDS                 Esther Koch         P0201



Said a flippant young faggot named Percy,                   
Contemplating the AIDS controversy,                         
"If I had sat on my butt                                    
And kept my mouth shut,                                     
I wouldn't be pleading for mercy."                          
                                                            
23620 DISEASE - AIDS                 Frank Ward          P9401



I caught AIDS so I knelt and did pray                       
To my Lord to send help right away.                         
I received his reply                                        
In the blink of an eye;                                     
He would pray for my corpse every day.                      
                                                            
23621 DISEASE - AIDS                 Albin Chaplin       P0212



A good year was 1984,                                       
With Bhopal, Ethiopia, and more.                            
Like miners and strikes,                                    
The gay men and dykes,                                      
Both dying of AIDS by the score.                            
                                                            
23622 DISEASE - AIDS                 Alexander Baron          



Since many who suffer from AIDS                             
Are men who like men over maids,                            
They, as a result,                                          
Have formed a new cult                                      
Of Homos they call the afrAIDS.                             
                                                            
23623 DISEASE - AIDS                 Irving Superior     P8512



Beware of the disease called AIDS;                          
Be cautious and do not get laid.                            
If you catch it, you'll die;                                
Your mother will cry;                                       
As she looks at you in your grave.                          
                                                            
23624 DISEASE - AIDS                 Cheeks                   



To add to the two -- Death and Taxes --                     
With AIDS everywhere -- Prophylaxis.                        
As sure as is breathing,                                    
No sex without sheathing;                                   
Death/Taxes and now no bare access.                         
                                                            
23625 DISEASE - AIDS                 Irving Superior     P8704



Steer clear from that Lady from Spain!                      
In my todger, there's nothing but pain!                     
And I've had second thoughts                                
'Bout those genital warts;                                  
And I don't want to catch AIDS again!                       
                                                            
23626 DISEASE - AIDS                 Percy Longprong          



There once was a doctor named Glades,                       
Who advised, "To avoid getting AIDS,                        
Sit on your butt,                                           
Keep your mouth shut,                                       
And get your blood only from maids."                        
                                                            
23627 DISEASE - AIDS                 Ed Potts            P8503



To keep AIDS from being contracted,                         
A senator sought it enacted                                 
That the only safe screws                                   
Could be had at the zoos.                                   
His words, though, were quickly retracted.                  
                                                            
23628 DISEASE - AIDS                 Actaeon                  



A rosy-cheeked fellow from Cork                             
Whom the Hoboken sailors call Dork,                         
In his role as donee,                                       
Spread HIV                                                  
From Algiers to the Port of New York.                       
(in reply to a sexist limerick of female VD carrier)        
23629 DISEASE - AIDS                 Arthur Deex         P9409



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
Some whore was riding my cock.                              
After I paid,                                               
She said she had AIDS,                                      
So I strangled the bitch with a sock!                       
                                                            
23630 DISEASE - AIDS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Samantha, a STRUTHIOUS dame,                                
Played the bold casual sex game.                            
And condoms she'd spurn,                                    
Unwilling to learn.                                         
She got deaded AIDS all the same.                           
                                                            
23631 DISEASE - AIDS                 Chris Papa               



The principal finally dissuades                             
The parents from violent tirades,                           
Saying kids, as they would,                                 
Had misunderstood,                                          
And that two of his teachers had aides.                     
                                                            
23632 DISEASE - AIDS                 A. N. Wilkins       P8608



The impetuous man was caught                                
When unsheathed coitus he sought.                           
Pursued sex with a tart                                     
And got AIDS a la carte --                                  
Result: he is now most distraught.                          
                                                            
23633 DISEASE - AIDS                 Terry                    



In South Africa, most of the jades,                         
Are afflicted with cases of AIDS.                           
The prudent man figures,                                    
"Avoid those damned niggers;                                
Use gorillas for your escapades."                           
                                                            
23634 DISEASE - AIDS                 Ward Hardman             



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
The Navy uses thick ones, you see.                          
When hiding the sausage,                                    
Up some sailor's passage,                                   
You don't want to get HIV!                                  
                                                            
23635 DISEASE - AIDS                 Moony              TP9802



Did his brain take a sudden vacation?                       
Did Jeffrey succumb to temptation?                          
Do we wish him the best?                                    
Will he pass his AIDS test?                                 
Was it worth it for naked sensation?                        
                                                            
23636 DISEASE - AIDS                 Ann Gasser          P8709



Keep your hands to yourself, now Miss Finn,                 
Lest you wash them real well in chlorine.                   
Or perhaps DDT,                                             
You might have HIV,                                         
As nobody here knows where you've been.                     
                                                            
23637 DISEASE - AIDS                 Par Svensson             



Gorbachev, in a moving address,                             
To all sexual freedom said, "Yes!"                          
But, shame to endure, oh,                                   
The whole Politburo                                         
In two years died of A-I-D-S!                               
                                                            
23638 DISEASE - AIDS                 Vassar Smith        P9403



The Assyrians sharpened their blades                        
And the troops vowed to rape Hebrew maids,                  
But Jaweh was stirred                                       
And had the last word.                                      
The next morning the bastards had AIDS.                     
(II Kings, 19:35)                                           
23639 DISEASE - AIDS                 A. N. Wilkins       P8512



Gays got the message, my dear,                              
It's the young hetero's I do fear,                          
That still take the chance                                  
On unprotected romance,                                     
Be it frontways or sideways or rear.                        
                                                            
23640 DISEASE - AIDS                 John Miller              



A wealthy old woman in Ash                                  
Developed a curious rash;                                   
Her allergist said,                                         
"Use wampum instead,                                        
You're highly allergic to cash."                            
                                                            
23641 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Limericks Unlimited P2005



There once was a fellow named Todd                          
Whose nose was as long as his rod.                          
His violent hayfever                                        
At the sight of a beaver,                                   
Made some women think he was God.                           
                                                            
23642 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Lloyd Rawley             



"Oh Bugger!" said Tim, "I forgot                            
I'm allergic...Atchoo!...to twat.                           
So sorry, Louise,"                                          
He said down on his knees,                                  
As he cleaned up his glutinous snot.                        
                                                            
23643 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Peter Wilkins            



There was a young gallant named Sax                         
Who is prone to hayfever attacks                            
For the prime of the year                                   
To Cupid so dear                                            
Stretches maidens--and men!--on their backs.                
                                                            
23644 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            James Joyce         P9007



Mother nature is wonderful to see:                          
The flower, the plant, and the tree.                        
It all makes me shiver,                                     
As I have hayfever,                                         
And it's the last place that I want to be.                  
                                                            
23645 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



Though the pollen that's borne on the breeze                
In the outback, brings pleasure to bees.                    
It's the principle reason                                   
That the allergy season                                     
Brings Australia at large to its sneeze.                    
                                                            
23646 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            A. N. Wilkins       P8611



Sinuses scream, then you sneeze;                            
Closing windows won't avert allergies.                      
How, in a drought,                                          
Can pollen be about?                                        
It's too hot now for even the bees.                         
                                                            
23647 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Jenni Saqua              



Allergic, a lassie named Todd                               
Bewails, "I must guard against cod,                         
All fish, and clam chowder,"                                
But adds even louder,                                       
I'M ESPECIALLY SCARED I'LL GET SCROD!"                      
                                                            
23648 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Armand E Singer        32



The crocuses happily blooming                               
Are a drummer that summertime's looming.                    
But we're the folks of the faction                          
With allergic reaction,                                     
Hoping crocuses croak without pluming.                      
                                                            
23649 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            H. Kleidman              



"If allergies plague you a lot,                             
And your sinuses clog up with snot,                         
Then get fast relief                                        
From all of that grief,                                     
By sticking your nose up my twat."                          
                                                            
23650 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Travis brasell           



Complained an old codger named Rick,                        
"Arthritis is making me sick;                               
My back gives me hell,                                      
My joints always swell,                                     
Most everything's stiff 'cept my dick."                     
                                                            
23651 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Armand Singer       P0101



Fundamentalist Elmer P. Titus,                              
Could worship despite his nephritis,                        
But he shrieked in alarm.                                   
He could not raise his arms,                                
Due to his painful, chronic arthritis.                      
                                                            
23652 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



There once was a conduit plasma                             
Which emitted a toxic miasma.                               
The gas was so strong                                       
With such a great pong,                                     
That soon it gave everyone asthma.                          
                                                            
23653 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Sasscat Butory           



A man who lived in Alberquerque,                            
Was allergic to eating cold turkey.                         
One slice on his plate                                      
Caused him to gyrate,                                       
And his movements grew terribly jerky.                      
                                                            
23654 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young girl from Tyne Tees,                      
When with boys, would develop a sneeze.                     
Her problem allergy                                         
Caused loss of energy;                                      
The boys thought that she had a disease,                    
                                                            
23655 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Arthur Pattaffy          



The girl was a nine, simply stunning                        
Her legs opened wide to my cunning                          
But on the first sniff                                      
Instead of a stiff                                          
I'd watery eyes and nose running                            
                                                            
23656 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



"Your plight," said the beauty, un-stripping,               
"Is sad if not utterly gripping.                            
You must see a doc                                          
On the state of your cock:                                  
It's the wrong stupid head I see dripping!"                 
                                                            
23657 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



The doctor, a suave little runt                             
Was expensive and terribly blunt:                           
"You're strangely afflicted,                                
Instead of ADDICTED                                         
You're HIGHLY ALLERGIC to cunt!"                            
                                                            
23658 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



An allergy specialist, Benny,                               
Offered his thoughts for my penny:                          
"The problem's the thatch                                   
On the hatch of the snatch:                                 
Pussy dander's a problem for many."                         
                                                            
23659 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



"Then maybe I still can go there                            
If I have the girls shave off the hair?"                    
He said, "The mere stubble                                  
Will still give you trouble;                                
Perhaps you should sell them on Nair."                      
                                                            
23660 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



I tried it, but that didn't work                            
The problem just drove me berserk                           
'Cause when I went there                                    
With my bottle of Nair                                      
The ladies all thought me a jerk                            
                                                            
23661 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



To add to my sexual Hell                                    
I learned when I set out to quell                           
My immoderate urgin'                                        
With underage virgin:                                       
-- I'm allergic to cherry as well!                          
                                                            
23662 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



So sadly I reached in my shorts ...                         
Though the first time I got off in quarts                   
Even that route is banned;                                  
When I took things in hand                                  
I broke out in genital warts                                
                                                            
23663 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



As a final resort, I confess,                               
I tried a liaison with Bess                                 
But that wise old cow                                       
Raised her tail up and now                                  
My bollocks are one shitty mess ...                         
                                                            
23664 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



So I'm locked in my personal Hell                           
Both driven and kept out as well                            
Soon I'll sleep with the dead                               
Or screw them instead                                       
If there's some way to get past the smell ...               
                                                            
23665 DISEASE - ALLERGIES                                     



The girl was a nine, simply stunning;                       
Her legs opened wide to my cunning.                         
But on the first sniff,                                     
Instead of a stiff,                                         
I'd watery eyes and nose running.                           
                                                            
23666 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



"Your plight," said the beauty, unstripping,                
"Is sad if not utterly gripping.                            
You must see a doc                                          
On the state of your cock.                                  
It's the wrong stupid head I see dripping."                 
                                                            
23667 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



The doctor, a suave little runt,                            
Was expensive and terribly blunt.                           
"You're strangely afflicted,                                
Instead of addicted,                                        
You're highly allergic to cunt!"                            
                                                            
23668 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



An allergy specialist, Benny,                               
Offered his thoughts for my penny.                          
"The problems the thatch                                    
On the hatch of the snatch;                                 
Pussy dander's a problem for many.                          
                                                            
23669 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



"Then maybe I can still go there,                           
If I have the girls shave off the hair?"                    
He said, "The mere stubble                                  
Will still give you trouble;                                
Perhaps you should sell them on Nair."                      
                                                            
23670 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



I tried it but that didn't work;                            
The problem just drove me berserk,                          
'Cause when I went there                                    
With my bottle of Nair,                                     
The ladies all thought me a jerk.                           
                                                            
23671 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



To add to my sexual Hell,                                   
I leaned when I set out to quell                            
My immoderate urgin'                                        
With an underage virgin,                                    
I'm allergin to cherry, as well.                            
                                                            
23672 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



So sadly I reached in my shorts.                            
Though the first time I got off in quarts,                  
Even that route was banned;                                 
When I took things in hand,                                 
I broke out in genital warts.                               
                                                            
23673 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



As a final resort, I confess,                               
I tried a liaison with Bess.                                
But that wise old cow                                       
Raised her tail up and now                                  
My bollocks are one shitty mess.                            
                                                            
23674 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



So I'm locked in my personal Hell,                          
Both driven and kept out as well.                           
Soon I'll sleep with the dead                               
Or screw them instead,                                      
If there's some way to get past the smell.                  
                                                            
23675 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            John Miller              



You dear, that's a terrible problem,                        
If you truly can't wobble or gobble 'em.                    
But be happy on Valentine's                                 
When you're drinkin' your Ballantines,                      
You won't have to squabble or bauble 'em.                   
                                                            
23676 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Hugh Clary               



Oh dear, John, that sure is no joke;                        
I told Dr Wang, and the bloke                               
Said: if all else fails,                                    
Try lifing the tails                                        
Of shirts, and give nancies a poke.                         
                                                            
23677 DISEASE - ALLERGIES            Tiddy Ogg                



For this secret is concealed by high rankers:               
Politicians, and even some bankers!                         
They don't want you to know                                 
How the brain rot does grow;                                
You'll know when you first get brain cankers!               
                                                            
23678 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



The symptoms are really quite rare                          
Only 1 in 10 million needs despair.                         
If you catch this disease                                   
Just put your mind at ease                                  
'Cause soon you won't have one to even care!                
                                                            
23679 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



A literary genius I'm not                                   
This is evident because of brain rot                        
But my mind has been spoken.                                
But as a small token                                        
In regards to your comments: Thanks a lot!                  
                                                            
23680 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



A young man near the Bridge of Blackwater,                  
Who daily got shorter and shorter,                          
"The reason," he said,                                      
"Is the brains in me head                                   
Get so heavy that I fear a disorder."                       
                                                            
23681 DISEASE - BRAIN                Linda Marsh Coll         



We all have those little brain cramps,                      
And need some more bulbs in our lamps.                      
It's mushy and slick,                                       
And nothing will stick,                                     
Like needing more glue on some stamps.                      
                                                            
23682 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



It was more like a major brain fart;                        
Now these I have raised to an art.                          
Inside my big head                                          
Many brain cells are dead,                                  
But I still have a very strong heart!                       
                                                            
23683 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



This headache I've had for five days,                       
Is made by some gremlin who plays                           
With his TNT.                                               
Brain hurts; I can't see                                    
Too much but this gray-purple haze.                         
                                                            
23684 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



Spending almost a fortnight of days                         
Sick in bed from a winter malaise,                          
Full strength dishing flack;                                
I hope soon I'll be back.                                   
Teaching others that rhyme never pays.                      
                                                            
23685 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



This wintery coughing and sneezing                          
Is something I find quite displeasing.                      
But so far -- touch wood --                                 
My breathing's been good,                                   
And my rod is responding to teasing.                        
                                                            
23686 DISEASE - BRAIN                                         



A study the government staked,                              
The following finding did make:                             
Coffee -- drink up tons.                                    
Avoid Parkinsons!                                           
One way or the other, you'll shake.                         
                                                            
23687 DISEASE - BRAIN                Tom Myers                



This man was a really bad bloke;                            
Always trying to sell a pig in a poke.                      
Cheating and stealing,                                      
Wheeling and dealing,                                       
People laughed when the guy had a stroke.                   
                                                            
23688 DISEASE - BRAIN                John Chastaine           



A comical actor named Kane                                  
Much fame on TV did attain.                                 
His renowned sense of humor                                 
Was induced by a tumor,                                     
Which affected the back of his brain.                       
                                                            
23689 DISEASE - BRAIN                Albin Chaplin            



A poet with M.D. diploma                                    
Liked words with a pleasant aroma.                          
When pressed for an answer,                                 
He never said "Cancer!"                                     
But instead, "You've a cute carcinoma."                     
                                                            
23690 DISEASE - CANCER               Laurence Perrine    P8802



Too bad for my poor brother Steve;                          
His tough news is hard to believe.                          
His motto to beat                                           
Was once: "All you can eat"                                 
Alas, now it's all you can heave!                           
                                                            
23691 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



My girlfriend is bald as an egg,                            
(No I wouldn't be pulling you leg)                          
With her cancerous condition                                
For now, in remission,                                      
We'll enjoy to the very last dreg.                          
                                                            
23692 DISEASE - CANCER               John Miller 0124         



Tobacco, a main cause of cancer.                            
With all of us praying an answer.                           
2000 AD,                                                    
In Webster's shall we                                       
Discover that glorious canswer?                             
                                                            
23693 DISEASE - CANCER               Irving Superior     P9202



It took three score and two,                                
To learn not to offend all of you.                          
But now without warning,                                    
My stomach is storming,                                     
And BELCHING right out of the blue.                         
                                                            
23694 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



There once was a fellow named Gus,                          
With a stomach as his esophagus.                            
After chemo and rad,                                        
(That's the best that they had.)                            
He never regretted the fuss.                                
                                                            
23695 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



Cigarette makers under the gun,                             
Explains an old adman named Dunn,                           
Have begun a campaign                                       
To say, in the main,                                        
"Chemothereapy really is fun."                              
                                                            
23696 DISEASE - CANCER               A. N. Wilkins       P8512



A city's decay we invision --                               
The time is now ripe for decision.                          
It appears that the answer                                  
Is the same as for cancer,                                  
And cancer is cured by incision.                            
                                                            
23697 DISEASE - CANCER               Albin Chaplin   3024-2561



The up-to-date baby boomer,                                 
When faced with a cancerous tumor,                          
Eats raw shark and green tea,                               
Grape seed, vitamin C,                                      
And develops a dark sense of humor.                         
                                                            
23698 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



Thanks to cancer esophageal,                                
Now I can see the whole deal.                               
To be born is to die,                                       
And to laugh is to cry,                                     
The life's point is to keep down a meal.                    
                                                            
23699 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



Said the oncologist at the 'C' clinic,                      
Said, "Dear, it will not be a picnic.                       
But if you pay each bill,                                   
I'll have dough in the till,                                
To send my kids to Cal Polytechnic."                        
                                                            
23700 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



A clever young fellow named Bricker                         
Made cigarettes longer and thicker.                         
His improved filter pore                                    
Gave enjoyment to more,                                     
And the cancer was king-sized and quicker.                  
                                                            
23701 DISEASE - CANCER               Albin Chaplin   3024-2469



Since cancer, I'm feeling quite saggy;                      
It calls for a wardrobe that baggy.                         
When Hubby cried FRUMP,                                     
I replied with HARRUMPH.                                    
You can sleep in the doghouse with Maggie.                  
                                                            
23702 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



My plastic breasts will outlive me,                         
Even if I die at sea.                                       
Even sharks won't eat                                       
This man-made treat;                                        
Two orbs surface, now floating free.                        
                                                            
23703 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



Where's my libido that used to burn?                        
What will it take to make it return?                        
Try the cream, spread the gel,                              
Olive oil?  Kiss and tell.                                  
I feel sexy as a potted fern.                               
                                                            
23704 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



Down in the dungeon of depression,                          
In need of psychiatric session,                             
Dreamy clouds drift passed.                                 
How long can they last;                                     
My season of personal recession?                            
                                                            
23705 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



A hex sent from an evil witch,                              
Made her what some call a bitch.                            
She had breast cancer;                                      
That was her answer.                                        
If I could, personalities I'd switch.                       
                                                            
23706 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



There was a young lady who felt pretty,                     
Till a surgeon sliced off her left titty.                   
She aged overnight;                                         
And looked like a fright,                                   
And sometimes she said life was shitty.                     
                                                            
23707 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



Tamoxifen is truly a wonder drug.                           
What side effects?  Doctors just shrug.                     
So you have hot flashes?                                    
Forget 100 yard dashes.                                     
Extra pounds make me feel like a slug.                      
                                                            
23708 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



Where is that drive called LUST?                            
Was it removed along with my bust.                          
Could the chemopause                                        
Be the only cause?                                          
It will return in time, I trust.                            
                                                            
23709 DISEASE - CANCER               Karen Amstutz            



"Your titties have cream," said Sir Lancer,                 
"My hubby agrees," was her answer,                          
But a medic named Brown,                                    
The new doctor in town,                                     
Said, "I think that likely is cancer."                      
                                                            
23710 DISEASE - CANCER               Albin Chaplin            



Sighed breast-cancer victim Sue Perse,                      
"Gee, Doc, I don't know which is worse:                     
If I get a mastectomy,                                      
My dear spouse will object to me,                           
And likely run off with the nurse."                         
                                                            
23711 DISEASE - CANCER               Armand E Singer P0109 127



There was a young smoker named Krantzer                     
Who figured that he had the answer.                         
His new filter, we find,                                    
Was the best one designed,                                  
For it stifled a part of the cancer.                        
                                                            
23712 DISEASE - CANCER               Albin Chaplin            



The esophagus truly is fickle;                              
To repair one costs one pretty nickel,                      
And don't get an urge                                       
For what makes you purge.                                   
Please, don't eat a big garlic pickle.                      
                                                            
23713 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



My neighbors all think I'm a jerk,                          
To be sunning myself while they work.                       
If the truth they knew,                                     
They'd beg pardon till blue;                                
No yard work is cancer's only perk.                         
                                                            
23714 DISEASE - CANCER               Harlan Morrison          



A shopper and avid consumer                                 
Developed a malignant tumor.                                
When Blue Cross paid the bill,                              
It gave her such a thrill,                                  
That she cried, "Now I'll take one or two more!"            
                                                            
23715 DISEASE - CANCER                                        



There was an old whore with proficiency,                    
Who gave a good fuck with sufficiency.                      
Though her left tit was shot                                
Through with cancerous rot,                                 
Her right tit made up the deficiency.                       
                                                            
23716 DISEASE - CANCER               Albin Chaplin   3024-2917



It's close to the end of my day;                            
The big-C has got its own way.                              
Despite medication,                                         
It's with trepidation                                       
That the Piper I'll very soon pay.                          
                                                            
23717 DISEASE - CANCER               Frank                    



So to be or be not is my question;                          
Perhaps a lethal injection                                  
To hasten my ride                                           
To the other side;                                          
I'm open to any suggestion.                                 
                                                            
23718 DISEASE - CANCER               Frank                    



A smoking young man of Tacoma                               
Was possessed with a raunchy aroma.                         
It was putrid as hell,                                      
Like a slaughterhouse smell;                                
He had only a small carcinoma.                              
                                                            
23719 DISEASE - CANCER               Albin Chaplin       P0109



When illness struck wretched old Haver,                     
The doctors convened to palaver.                            
They concluded the answer                                   
Was to keep his good cancer,                                
And to toss out his rotten cadaver.                         
                                                            
23720 DISEASE - CANCER               Albin Chaplin   3024-1720



The blood tests are back," said the doc.                    
"So sit down to lessen the shock.                           
It's definitely cancer,                                     
But treat it I can't, sir.                                  
It's too late. Just look at the clock."                     
                                                            
23721 DISEASE - CANCER               Bmac               TP9804



A new diagnosis of cancer                                   
Is sure not a great mood enhancer.                          
For though you might live,                                  
It's not positive,                                          
You might end dead as a merganser.                          
                                                            
23722 DISEASE - CANCER               Monique de Plume   TP9804



A well-known recidivist, Jack,                              
Was arrested while laid on his back,                        
And for the first time                                      
It was not for a crime,                                     
But far worse -- an arrest cardiac.                         
                                                            
23723 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Jim Weaver Collection    



Charles, a huge man from Mobile,                            
His weight he tried hard to conceal.                        
And he hoped it would seem                                  
That the butter and cream                                   
In his arteries wouldn't congeal.                           
                                                            
23724 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Edwin J Weinstein        



'Arthrosis? I've got it! Arthrosis!                         
Sclerosis? I've got it! Sclerosis!                          
So what? So I've got it!                                    
I'll not be without it!                                     
So what? It's just a diagnosis!'                            
                                                            
23725 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a cardiac patient named Joe,                           
Told that sex was an absolute "no,"                         
"I'll give up my jogging                                    
But not dummy flogging:                                     
People claim it's the best way to go.                       
                                                            
23726 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Armand E Singer       986



Do heart-bypass ops, which rejunction,                      
Improve much on Extreme Unction?                            
A recent report                                             
Says the op will abort                                      
About 20% of brain function.                                
                                                            
23727 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Peter Wilkins            



My Love lies beside me. I shake her.                        
Should I blow in her ear and awake her?                     
Though I rise semi-hard,                                    
I must be on guard                                          
So as not to abuse my pacemaker.                            
                                                            
23728 DISEASE - CARDIAC              William N. Nesbit   P9605



There was an old fellow from China,                         
Who had yet to see a vagina.                                
When he took a bride,                                       
And she spread 'em wide,                                    
He promptly dropped dead of angina.                         
                                                            
23729 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Mark Calvin              



The English have hearts make of oak,                        
Or so have their poets bespoke.                             
This likeness to trees                                      
Suggests heart disease,                                     
For they both may be felled by a stroke.                    
                                                            
23730 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Laurence Perrine    P8605



A cardiac patient named Lutz,                               
Finds his pace-maker driving his nuts.                      
His sex life's a strife,                                    
For while loving his wife,                                  
His garage door then opens and shuts.                       
                                                            
23731 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Bob Giandomenico    P9209



Had a blind date with a girl called Nell.                   
Overweight and unfit, I could tell.                         
"Since I was a minor,                                       
I've had Acute Angina..."                                   
"Yes," says I, "And pretty nice titties, as well!"          
                                                            
23732 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Percy Longprong          



I once had a young girl named Julie                         
Who made me go all hot and drooly.                          
My pacemaker slipped                                        
And my jeans nearly ripped,                                 
When the feeling went down to my goolies.                   
                                                            
23733 DISEASE - CARDIAC              CyberCelt           T9710



When the juices of love started flowing,                    
The pain in my chest started growing;                       
Was I having orgasm                                         
Or cardiac spasm?                                           
Didn't know: was I coming or going?                         
                                                            
23734 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Ed Potts            P8812



There was a young fellow named Randitt,                     
Who decided to be a love bandit.                            
But when he rolled in girls' arms                           
And they unleashed their charms,                            
He found that his heart couldn't stand it.                  
                                                            
23735 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0168



A cardiac patient named Fred                                
Made a limerick up in his head.                             
But before he had time                                      
To write down the last line...                              
                                                            
                                                            
23736 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Elliot Moreton           



As your heart doctor, I recommend                           
Some connubial sex.  Comprehend?                            
Here's a second opin -                                      
No adulterous sin!                                          
Tell your intern she's only a friend.                       
                                                            
23737 DISEASE - CARDIAC              William Nesbit      P0109



Folks now eat more chicken and fish,                        
To comply with the doctor's strong wish.                    
But now, if you please,                                     
Since there's less heart disease,                           
The doctor no longer gets rich.                             
                                                            
23738 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Edwin J Weinstein        



There once was a creature called Jack                       
Who had an angina attack.                                   
So a balloon was inserted                                   
And surgury averted,                                        
As well as a month in the sack.                             
                                                            
23739 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Edwin J Weinstein        



Oh darling, you've stolen my heart;                         
I function not now we're apart.                             
So please bring it back,                                    
Your ever loving Jack,                                      
The Cardiac Ward of St Barts.                               
                                                            
23740 DISEASE - CARDIAC                                       



A chap with a varicose vein,                                
Who walked with the aid of a cane,                          
Was told, it is said,                                       
He should stand on his head                                 
And let the silly thing drain.                              
                                                            
23741 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Edwin J Weinstein        



The husband of a girl named Alice                           
Saw the doc regarding his phallus.                          
"As his heart isn't sure,                                   
There's a doubt I can cure."                                
"Oh Dr, Oh why digitalis."                                  
                                                            
23742 DISEASE - CARDIAC              Tom Patton          P0304



In Britain today, things got tough;                         
The cold's got to me and it's rough.                        
It's only just begun;                                       
Yes, this is day one;                                       
Already friends, I've had enough.                           
                                                            
23743 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Tony Burrell             



A dismal young man who would sneeze                         
So hard, he'd fall on his knees.                            
He knew what was wrong;                                     
He just didn't belong                                       
Near pollen that came from the trees.                       
                                                            
23744 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Edwin J Weinstein        



A tissue I'll hand you with ease,                           
Since always you must chooses to sneeze.                    
So wipe up your snot;                                       
You've got such a lot,                                      
And try to be more clean, if you please.                    
                                                            
23745 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Wersh                    



What we think of as simply, the flu,                        
Does what bio-weapons must do.                              
It's highly contagious,                                     
And very mutatious,                                         
Killing thousands without much ado.                         
                                                            
23746 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Dr Limerick              



I know it's a sinus infection.                              
I've no need for doctor detection.                          
But to get a drug                                           
Must present my mug,                                        
For the big green booger inspection.                        
                                                            
23747 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



There was an old woman of Honiton,                          
Whose conduct I've written a sonnet on.                     
With a cold in her head,                                    
She departed to bed,                                        
For a week, with her boots and her bonnet on.               
                                                            
23748 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



As to cure for the colds and the flu,                       
There are many things people may do.                        
The Greeks swab their throats,                              
Milking billy goats;                                        
The Scots use cheap beer and a ewe.                         
                                                            
23749 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            MrMalo                   



My cure for the common cold bug                             
Is to keep myself cozy and snug                             
In my bed with a lass                                       
And occasional glass                                        
Of chilled Moet et Chandon or Krug.                         
                                                            
23750 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Peter Wilkins            



The common cold stinks -- it's a curse.                     
I keep thinking, "I cannot feel worse."                     
Then my nose gets stuffy,                                   
My eyes get all puffy.                                      
Some drugs to myself I disburse.                            
                                                            
23751 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Marlene                  



A fellow from Nome with a cough,                            
Would snicker and snortle and scoff,                        
At warm woolen drawers,                (Twasn't the cough   
When going outdoors--                  That carried him off,
'Twas pneumonia that carried him off.  Twas the coffin they 
                                       Carried him off in.) 
23752 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



When it's down with a cold you've been stricken,            
And you want the healing to quicken,                        
Take this advice:                                           
Take an aspirin twice,                                      
And to your soup add a boiled chicken.                      
                                                            
23753 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Edwin J Weinstein        



That poor old professer had the flu,                        
And he coughed and he snorked and he blew.                  
With chill-blanes he shuddered,                             
Then he achingly muttered,                                  
"I'm tired of this technicolored goo!"                      
                                                            
23754 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



Now I've got a code in my nose.                             
It must be, as everyone knows,                              
The damn CIA                                                
Bugged my head some way,                                    
That they have refused to disclose.                         
                                                            
23755 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



An ultra-high thermist at Churchill                         
Contracted one winter a rare chill;                         
To his doctor he said,                                      
"I've a cold in my head,                                    
And low temperature suits my research ill."                 
(Churchill College of Cambridge)                            
23756 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Harold C. Bibby          



It's a matter of some concern;                              
Nine million folks have colds, I learn.                     
They snuffle and sneeze,                                    
Tissues up to their knees,                                  
As the rest of us wait for our turn.                        
                                                            
23757 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Tony Burrell             



When a cold strikes, and you're feeling low,                
Ibuprofen may be apropos.                                   
And expect some expense                                     
For expectorants, since                                     
You'll be coughing up big wads of dough.                    
                                                            
23758 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Jerry Nordhal       P2005



The scientist works night and day                           
The deadly disease to allay.                                
For his work, he's indebted                                 
To the mean who can spread it                               
With a coughing and seezing display.                        
                                                            
23759 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Albin Chaplin   3024-2533



The mercury dipped below freezing                           
This morning, while I was out pleasing                      
Old Bessie, but now                                         
I'm wondering how                                           
I'll ever stop coughing and sneezing.                       
                                                            
23760 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Travis                   



All day long he sat there and hacked,                       
A wet slimey cough that attacked,                           
Everyone in the room;                                       
Germs started to bloom;                                     
Then all over us the bugs snacked.                          
                                                            
23761 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



With arrows in hand, we are told                            
Cupid makes our romances unfold.                            
But this year, instead,                                     
Cupid sneezed on my head,                                   
And he gave me some kind of a cold.                         
                                                            
23762 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Hans                     



When an old aviator named Drew                              
Was asked by the heavenly crew                              
How he got there that day,                                  
What did the guy say?                                       
He answered laconically, "Flu."                             
                                                            
23763 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            A. N. Wilkins       P8508



These drugs -- well, they really don't work.                
Some drugs will just make me berserk.                       
They give me bad dreams;                                    
Nothings is as it seems;                                    
That I take them at all, is a quirk.                        
                                                            
23764 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Marlene                  



You think I'd be happy to take                              
A few days off work for a break;                            
But no, I feel blue,                                        
'Cause I'm fighting the flu.                                
I'm not sure I'm even awake.                                
                                                            
23765 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Peter Wilkins            



There was a young girl from Peru,                           
Who regretted her lovers were few.                          
So she walked from her door,                                
With a fig leaf, no more.                                   
And now she's in bed -- with the flu.                       
                                                            
23766 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



There was a young man named Mulgrew                         
Who contracted bronchitis and flu.                          
Got water on the brain                                      
Again and again,                                            
So he died--so would I--wouldn't you?                       
                                                            
23767 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Spike Mulligan           



Our headline reads: 'Flu Bug Bites Durban'.                 
(That's my home town, and it's urban.)                      
Now if bugs come that big,                                  
I'm thick as a pig,                                         
Or else, I've had far too much bourbon.                     
                                                            
23768 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Friar                    



Another new cold from my nieces.                            
Don't get me wrong; love them to pieces.                    
But when either one blows                                   
Her cute little nose,                                       
Aunt Tami gets coughs, chills, and sneezes.                 
                                                            
23769 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Karen                    



A promiscuous girl in Cologne                               
Felt so ill, she ached down to the bone;                    
Her doctor then said:                                       
"Better get thee to bed,                                    
But for God's Sake, please get there alone."                
                                                            
23770 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Evelyn Bogen        P9404



To flee from the flu may be futile,                         
'Cause colds in your nose are quite brutal.                 
My advice: don't keep score                                 
With cheap wine and a whore;                                
The cure is raw gin and a poodle!                           
                                                            
23771 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Ken Rose                 



A sickly young fellow named Claude                          
Fell down in a faint on the sod.                            
He divulged it was true,                                    
He had caught Asian Flu,                                    
The disease which one gets from abroad.                     
                                                            
23772 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Albin Chaplin   3024-1709



My mother says hot lemonade,                                
With soda and honey, she made,                              
When we were just small                                     
Is the best of all --                                       
I would rather eat a grenade.                               
                                                            
23773 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Marlene                  



There was a young fellow named Tunney;                      
The cold that he had was not funny.                         
He could barely endure it,                                  
So he thought he would cure it                              
With a hot roll in bed with some Honey.                     
                                                            
23774 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Albin Chaplin   3024-2347



Now I have caught the damn flu!                             
So what's a poor poet to do?                                
The die has been casted;                                    
The strain is a bastid!                                     
Please don't let this happen to you.                        
                                                            
23775 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Writerman                



Time on my hands, nothing to do.                            
Every day I find something new.                             
I eat when I should,                                        
But it doesn't taste good.                                  
Man, I hate having the flu.                                 
                                                            
23776 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Jim Weaver Collection    



I breathe as though wrapped in a rolled rug.                
My nose is stopped up like and old jug.                     
I must stop my ravin',                                      
It's dreamland I'm cravin',                                 
But how can I sleep with this cold bug?                     
                                                            
23777 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



This cold has affected my brain.                            
I've writen some garbage again.                             
I've posted it here,                                        
But don't touch it, my dear.                                
You don't want my cold -- it's a pain.                      
                                                            
23778 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Marlene                  



Here lie the remains of Michelle;                           
For a time she was going swell.                             
But she got the flu                                         
And blew out the goo,                                       
But blew out her brains as well!                            
                                                            
23779 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



In demand after sneezes and cries,                          
Manufacturers still advertise,                              
"Since they're so super strong,                             
They'll last day and night long."                           
All that's a thin tissue of lies.                           
                                                            
23780 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



Be aware of aloof Sarah Flatic,                             
Who for morning mists was fanatic.                          
Reveling in natures smog,                                   
She went 'round in a fog                                    
For she was, as it were, miasmatic.                         
                                                            
23781 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            L C Fitz            P0209



I sat down on my brand new credenza                         
To enjoy the 1812 cadenza.                                  
It persisted so long                                        
And the cold breeze was strong                              
Where I sat, ergo then influenza.                           
(suggested by Jill)                                         
23782 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Loren Fitzhugh      P0001



Because of a disease that is new                            
The chickens of Hong Kong are through.                      
Where is it heading?                                        
Will it be spreading?                                       
In Beijing they have no clucking flu.                       
                                                            
23783 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Tom Patton          P9808



A young girl's nose was constantly runny;                   
No matter if rainy or sunny.                                
When friends of hers chuckled,                              
In shame her knees buckled,                                 
With a sniffle she'd say, "S'not punny!"                    
                                                            
23784 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



As my brain caves to fever and flu,                         
There is much it refuses to do.                             
Composing light verse,                                      
Only makes matters worse.                                   
I just hope I don't puke in my shoe.                        
                                                            
23785 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



When you sneeze and you cough and you're achin',            
And you feel that your body is breakin'.                    
Just try to recall                                          
It's still only Fall;                                       
Old Man Winter has yet to awaken.                           
                                                            
23786 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Lisa                     



A musical boffin named Barr,                                
Took cross-breeding rather to far.                          
A pigeon, I'm told,                                         
Crossed with wood and a cold,                               
Produced an a-coo-stick-catarrh.                            
                                                            
23787 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Tiddy Ogg                



This weather is really a mess,                              
And the flu this year is pitiless,                          
With fever and shakes                                       
That makes your gut ache,                                   
And your intestines shout out SOS.                          
                                                            
23788 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Azul                     



There was a young man of Preston                            
Who went out in the cold with no vest on.                   
He went to Snowdonia,                                       
Caught double pnuemonia,                                    
And died of pulmonary congestion.                           
                                                            
23789 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



Cried a cutie to one of her beaux,                          
"Will you please take your hads off my clothes?             
Whed I said, 'Pat by butt,'                                 
I bet Fido, you dut!--                                      
Cad't you see I've a code id by dose?"                      
                                                            
23790 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Norm Storer              



It's hot tea and lemon--the cold.                           
Add rum if the cold's two days old.                         
Three days--add more rum                                    
And then one week from                                      
Your cured, but A.A. must be told.                          
                                                            
23791 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Irving Superior     P9107



My throat has become red and sore;                          
The prognosis for life is now poor.                         
The wild coughing fits                                      
Just rip it to bits,                                        
And sleep I'll foreswear evermore.                          
                                                            
23792 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Archie                   



There once was a fellow named Foo,                          
Who sneezed without going "Ah-Choo!";                       
He held it inside                                           
As  his eyeballs went wide,                                 
And then out of their sockets they flew!                    
                                                            
23793 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Cap'n Bean          P0302



My Grampa made himself hot toddies;                         
Claimed toddies were good for the bodies.                   
I have got no liquor,                                       
And it's always quicker                                     
To take drugs with which to stop the snotties.              
                                                            
23794 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Marlene                  



This flu bug is taking its time                             
To depart.  Its most worrying crime                         
Is (apart from the sneezing                                 
And coughing and wheezing)                                  
This uninspirational rhyme.                                 
                                                            
23795 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Peter Wilkins            



A man with a devilish cold                                  
By the great Linus Pauling was told                         
To take vitamin C                                           
And from his cold he'd be free,                             
But he felt he'd been way oversold.                         
                                                            
23796 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Edwin J Weinstein        



I'm suffering now with the flu;                             
In daytime, there's little to do.                           
I can sit at my 'poot;                                      
Play the piano.  Oh shoot!                                  
I'm out of ideas, any clue?                                 
                                                            
23797 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU                                     



There was an old fellow named Ed,                           
Who had a bad cold in the head.                             
"When all's said and done,"                                 
He said, "It's no fun.                                      
I'd prefer a young woman instead."                          
                                                            
23798 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Isaac Asimov             



I took to my bed with the 'flu;                             
I didn't know what else I should do.                        
I wrote lots of notes,                                      
Rhyming lines and some quotes;                              
I hope I don't cause folks to sue.                          
                                                            
23799 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU            Arthur Pattaffy          



You seem to be quite out of luck,                           
For this head cold upon you has snuck.                      
Psuedoephedrine's                                           
Now what it seems --                                        
Try taping with that roll named Duct.                       
                                                            
23800 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Archie                   



Now I have tried the Duct Tape.                             
My fingers are stuck to my nape;                            
Hair's taped in my eyes,                                    
Cheek's stuck on my thighs!                                 
Don't know how I'm going to escape.                         
                                                            
23801 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Marlene                  



I thought you meant taping my nose                          
Would assist in increasing airflows.                        
My nose is still stuffy;                                    
I am somewhat huffy,                                        
Because I'm stuck in this dumb pose.                        
                                                            
23802 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Marlene                  



My mum did to rub Vicks on my chest,                        
Then cover it up with a vest.                               
She put it on the bits                                      
Where girls have their tits,                                
Would you care to put it to the test?                       
                                                            
23803 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Bob Mornington           



My mom always used Daniel's Ointment;                       
It had quite a most peculiar scent.                         
Menthol, turpentine,                                        
Leaf lard blended fine;                                     
Eucalyptus, pine oil: the content.                          
                                                            
23804 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Marlene                  



It's not quite so stinky as Vick's,                         
But my momma knew all the tricks.                           
Rubbed this on my throat                                    
My health to promote,                                       
Wrapped up in a rag just for kicks.                         
                                                            
23805 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Marlene                  



I've tried Vick's on the chest; it burns!                   
(Just ask all those handsome interns.)                      
I won't take your test;                                     
I'm already stressed.                                       
At the thought, my stomach still churns.                    
                                                            
23806 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Marlene                  



I'm a woman who works for D.L.;                             
Upon me bad sickness befell.                                
With a throat that is sore,                                 
I can't talk anymore.                                       
"I", with a croak, "feel unwell."                           
                                                            
23807 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Helen                    



My doctor, he says I am sick;                               
Go home and get well really quick.                          
Steam through the nose.                                     
Vitamins?  Take some of those;                              
Off work and some rest, is the trick.                       
                                                            
23808 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Helen                    



Around me a blanket, nice and warm;                         
Chicken soup on the boil, that's the norm.                  
Cough, sputter and sneeze;                                  
More tissues, please.                                       
I'll get through this bad viral storm.                      
                                                            
23809 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Helen                    



Lot of fluids, for a virus, I'll drink.                     
Orange juice, some hot tea, and I think                     
Lemon and honey to sip,                                     
Some brandy, a nip,                                         
Then soon I'll be back in the pink.                         
                                                            
23810 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Helen                    



Well Helen, I have an admission:                            
If I were in your sad condition,                            
I'd hastily go                                              
To town and then show                                       
Myself to the waiting mortician.                            
                                                            
23811 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Travis Brasell           



What if it's da air that we breave?                         
(I've covered my nose with my sleeve.                       
It makes working hard                                       
But -- best be on guard)                                    
To catch stuff at work's, my pet peeve.                     
                                                            
23812 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



They say it can't happen that way                           
How can I believe what they say?                            
It's not like the flu                                       
But, she got it, too!                                       
Perhaps I should stay home today.                           
                                                            
23813 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



I woke up, my neck in a crick;                              
My nose too damn stuffy to pick.                            
A thick mucus coat                                          
Runs straight down my throat.                               
It hits me: "My God I am sick!"                             
                                                            
23814 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Goin2                    



The whites of my eyes have turned red;                      
A percussion band plays in my head.                         
A huge racking cough                                        
And I know I can't golf.                                    
If I felt any worse, I'd be dead.                           
                                                            
23815 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Goin2                    



A crick, nose is thick, you are sick?                       
And head-banging workers with pick                          
And spade, dig your brain?                                  
To cure all that pain,                                      
You need, girl, a hot throbbing prick!                      
                                                            
23816 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Few mornings ago I arode,                                   
With feelings of phlegm, one of thode.                      
My turbinate flow,                                          
Will work if I blow,                                        
I think I've a code in the node.                            
                                                            
23817 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Chris Papa               



The medicines help not a bit,                               
The darn effluent just won't quit.                          
My nostrils are sore,                                       
There's slime on the floor,                                 
Can't wait for the bug to exit!                             
                                                            
23818 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Chris Papa               



I swill chicken soup by the quart,                          
And feel quite like "Chris de la Mort",                     
All my muscles ache,                                        
Come give me a break,                                       
I'm not the good invalid sort.                              
                                                            
23819 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Chris Papa               



Zinc lozenges dissolve on tongue,                           
Which feels as if hairs on it sprung.                       
All membranes are raw,                                      
I sleep like buzz-saw;                                      
With lethargy's load I am hung.                             
                                                            
23820 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Chris Papa               



I hope that this lasts but a week.                          
Now, I will the Glenfiddich seek,                           
To ease all the pains,                                      
Forget Kleenex rains,                                       
And be understood when I speak.                             
                                                            
23821 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Chris Papa               



I have a bad case of the flu;                               
I hate this; there's nothing to do.                         
On top of all that,                                         
No access to the net.                                       
Can providers get the flu too?                              
                                                            
23822 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Tjarda                   



My server's still down, so am I;                            
The fever's gone up, this is why:                           
Three days without rhyme,                                   
It is too much time;                                        
I wait and I cough and I sigh.                              
                                                            
23823 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Tjarda                   



If these words you can read, then Hurray!                   
My life must be almost okay.                                
Although still in bed,                                      
I'm back on the net.                                        
Not one unread limerick today!                              
                                                            
23824 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Tjarda                   



Poor Hildy is hacky and coughy;                             
It comes and goes, on and offy.                             
She's lying in bedly,                                       
While her face is all redly.                                
Could be fur balls or just too much coffee.                 
                                                            
23825 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Liam na Beag             



If Hilde ain't feeling too frisky,                          
Then pour her a tall Irish whiskey;                         
Soon she will feel better,                                  
And I bet you'll get her                                    
To give you much more than a kissky.                        
                                                            
23826 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Travis Brasell           



Today I got up and got out                                  
Of my bed and am shuffling about.                           
Nose dried up and red,                                      
Throat scratched to a shred,                                
So still I'm not able to shout.                             
                                                            
23827 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES                            



And here on this Spring Holiday,                            
While everyone else is at play,                             
It's onward I press,                                        
With little success;                                        
That bathroom still seems miles away.                       
                                                            
23828 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES                            



Poor baby, he's sick in his bed,                            
And he's all stuffed up in the head.                        
I offered him soup,                                         
To help him recoup,                                         
But he wanted some kisses instead.                          
                                                            
23829 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES                            



"But hon, I don't want to get sick,"                        
I said, then I noticed his dick,                            
Making a tent,                                              
So I knew what he meant;                                    
You can't catch a cold from a prick.                        
                                                            
23830 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES                            



I'm home with a dose of the flu;                            
It's boring, but what can you do?                           
I'd rather be boffing                                       
Than sniffing and coughing,                                 
But doubt I could manage a screw.                           
                                                            
23831 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES                            



And now I have written this verse                           
It occurs to me; what could be worse                        
Than sniffing and coughing?                                 
A day without boffing!                                      
Good heavens! I do need a nurse.                            
                                                            
23832 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES                            



When Al eyed his yacht on the wharf,                        
He developed a ticklish cough.                              
I'll bet you a nickel                                       
That the throat with its tickle,                            
Developed to get the day off.                               
                                                            
23833 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Edwin J Weinstein        



But the throat was worse than he thought,                   
'Cause it was the strep that he caught.                     
When the throat turned bright red,                          
He headed for bed,                                          
And his plans for the day came to naught.                   
                                                            
23834 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Edwin J Weinstein        



Today I am feeling quite sneezy,                            
Stuffed up, dizzy, and queasy.                              
It seems that a virus                                       
Has gotten inside us,                                       
But it made writing this limerick easy.                     
                                                            
23835 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Chris Anton              



However, if I had my druthers,                              
This virus would 'stead be with others.                     
I do not need it;                                           
And wouldn't impede it                                      
Moving out to my sisters and brothers.                      
                                                            
23836 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Chris Anton              



A dastardly bug's in the offing;                            
I'm shivering, sniffing and coughing.                       
For easing my aching                                        
And sneezing, I'm making                                    
Some whiskey and water for quaffing.                        
                                                            
23837 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Well, quaff away, friend, don't wait.                       
A drunken flu will be your fate.                            
You will still be ill                                       
And sick with a chill,                                      
But you'll think than you're feeling great.                 
                                                            
23838 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Marlene Lewis            



Today I am sniffing and sneezing;                           
My doze is bunged up and I'm freezing.                      
So maybe some whisky                                        
Will make me feel frisky                                    
And stop me from coughing and wheezing.                     
                                                            
23839 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Or maybe a spot of fresh air                                
Will clear cobsebs away, I declare.                         
So I think I might take                                     
A brisk walk 'round the lake,                               
Which is quite near my home over there.                     
                                                            
23840 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Motivation I need to get dressed                            
And get out but I fear I'm possessed                        
With such lethargy that,                                    
I prefer to be sat                                          
At this keyboard in bathrobe and vest.                      
                                                            
23841 DISEASE - COLDS/FLU - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



An insomniac atheist, Bogg,                                 
Lived his life in a dyslexic fog;                           
His nights were much cancered                               
By questions unanswered,                                    
Such as, 'Is there really a doG?'                           
                                                            
23842 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Norm Storer              



Bad spellers of the world, untie!                           
I admit (between you and I)                                 
I could not figure out                                      
What it all was about;                                      
I've got this lysdexia -- sigh.                             
                                                            
23843 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Marlene Lewis            



Dylexia--to verse is TUF.                                   
Of words to use, there ain't eNUF                           
But if I NUF reverse,                                       
What FUN--dyslex verse,                                     
And/or perhaps a bit of fluff.                              
                                                            
23844 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Irving Superior     P9512



It's hinted that great bureaucrats                          
Are in favor of all kinds of frats,                         
Who are helping keep tab                                    
On the types they would stab,                               
But the public just says they are bats.                     
                                                            
23845 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Bill Backe-Hansen   P9512



In all of Kraft-Ebing's odd mix,                            
A dyslexic pair's in a strange fix.                         
Every night, back-to-back                                   
Head-to-toe in the sack,                                    
They try to perform ninety-six.                             
                                                            
23846 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Bob Giandomenico    P9806



I've got a real nasty disease;                              
Thus, reading ain't what's called a breeze;                 
Naught could be worse                                       
Than dislexia's curse;                                      
The words leap and cavort like mad fleas.                   
                                                            
23847 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Robin K. Willoughby P8602



A delinquent with dyslexia severe,                          
Scrawled graffiti on walls far and near,                    
Such as "Sick my duck,"                                     
And also "Fou Yuck"                                         
Plus other scrawls equally queer.                           
                                                            
23848 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Jim Menger          P9207



There once was a fellow named Wright,                       
Who backwards each word would recite.                       
But much much too soon                                      
He reached the word "noon",                                 
And was sleepless for many a night.                         
                                                            
23849 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Irving Superior     P9512



A backward type speaker named Joe,                          
Would start with a "Behold and Lo,"                         
Then add "For and To"                                       
And then "Cry and Hue"                                      
And then sing, "See You Can Say Oh."                        
                                                            
23850 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Irving Superior     P9512



A dyslexic student named Belle,                             
Instead of 'Hello' would 'oHell'.                           
Condemned by her peers                                      
With laughter and jeers,                                    
Poor Belle would, frustrated, 'OwBell'.                     
                                                            
23851 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Irving Superior          



I love ouy, my dear, it is true.                            
No eno can please me but you.                               
"You do thrill me so                                        
And I want you to know."                                    
She said this on the day she was dew."                      
                                                            
23852 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Al Willis           P9512



At the rail station stood young Mariah,                     
In a mirror she read "evil liar,"                           
She gasped and stepped back,                                
Fell down on the track,                                     
And fried in electrical fire.                               
                                                            
23853 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA                                      



So folks, if these strange letters hex ya,                  
And odd heiroglyphics perplex ya,                           
Remember Mariah,                                            
Whose fate was so dire,                                     
The poor girl who died of dyslexia.                         
                                                            
23854 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA                                      



A dyslexic ex-smoker named Brook                            
Keeps some nasty old butts in a nook                        
In a bucket of ice.                                         
And when bummers ask nice,                                  
He gives them a cold dirty looK.                            
                                                            
23855 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             William N. Nesbit   P9512



Dylexia means in reverse                                    
The letters used to make this verse.                        
So if you wish to read,                                     
A mirror you'll need,                                       
Aware your face you may see first.                          
                                                            
23856 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Irving Superior     P9512



Though simple when it comes to sex,                         
Your innuendo is complex.                                   
When rhyming with "me",                                     
You could type B.I.G.;                                      
It's the same with a spin of dislex.                        
(good in bed)                                               
23857 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA                                      



A whore, quite dyslexic, named Bet,                         
Thought she'd drum up some trade on the net.                
But gash, kcus and ckuf                                     
Made her role sound so rough,                               
That SM-ers are all she can get.                            
                                                            
23858 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Anon                     



A dyslexic husband, in fog,                                 
Screwed his wife, an agnostic log.                          
The resulting child                                         
Had insomnia wild,                                          
While wondering if there's a doG.                           
                                                            
23859 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Archie                   



A dyslexic insomniac agnostic                               
Lay awake thinking thoughts diagnostic,                     
With his mind in a fog,                                     
Asking, "Is there a dog?"                                   
And others things nearly as caustic.                        
                                                            
23860 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             John Miller 0150         



A dyslexic, coy coed, Yvonne,                               
Wore tight leather beneath her chiffon;                     
The mixed signals she gave                                  
Could make guys misbehave;                                  
To refuse, she had read, just say "On!"                     
                                                            
23861 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Mark Levy                



Ettetatnep, a dyslexic Egyptian,                            
Is a practicing limericktician;                             
And he edits a fine                                         
Limerick newsletter-zine                                    
With his name in the title position.                        
                                                            
23862 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             William N. Nesbit   P9512



A Greek God intended once more                              
To visit the Earth as before,                               
Just to revel in sex,                                       
But was branded as ex,                                      
So Eros felt lousy and sore.                                
                                                            
23863 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Bill Backe-Hansen   P9512



A dyslexic reporter named Britt,                            
Submitted the following bit:                                
"The Cubs won the game,                                     
Put the poor Reds to shame.                                 
Reds no errors, no runs, no shit."                          
                                                            
23864 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Tom Patton          P9512



At a coming out party in Feb.                               
A dyslexic servant's a celeb.                               
He made his boss hot                                        
When he said he forgot,                                     
To go upstairs and make the deb.                            
                                                            
23865 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Tom Patton          P9512



"A dyslexic junkie's our Jeff.                              
He's tried smoking herring," young Steph                    
Once earnestly spake.                                       
"He's tried snorting cake,                                  
And now's on the hunt for some F."                          
                                                            
23866 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA                                      



At last I've found a cause with which I                     
Can identify, I hope to die.                                
I cajole, beg and plead                                     
That with purposeful speed,                                 
Dyslexics of the world will untie!                          
                                                            
23867 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             L C Fitzhugh        P0112



Though my ancestry's mixed Maccabean,                       
I pretend to be pure Jacobean.                              
Soon this Yule will expose                                  
More perceptual woes,                                       
When I sing out of tune, loudly, "Leon!"                    
                                                            
23868 DISEASE - DYSLEXIA             Mark Levy           P9512



There was an old lady from Raleigh                          
Who was so doggone nasty, by golly,                         
Just squeezin her titters,                                  
You'd pick up some critters,                                
And bathe twice in one month for your folly.                
                                                            
23869 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



I'm sleeping alone in the night                             
Because all the bedbugs got tight.                          
They stagger around                                         
And giggles abound --                                       
At least the damn things do not bite!                       
                                                            
23870 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



There was a young lady called Annie,                        
Who had fleas, lice, and crabs in her fanny.                
To get up her flue,                                         
Was like touring a zoo,                                     
There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny.             
                                                            
23871 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                         G1896



The girl that was picked up by Pease                        
Advised him she knew how to please.                         
"As you plainly can see,                                    
There are no flies on me."                                  
But he found there were plenty of fleas.                    
                                                            
23872 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Albin Chaplin   3024-1736



There once was a girl from Rome;                            
In her box, the fleas found a home.                         
"Get away from my cunt,                                     
You flea type of runts,                                     
Or I'll get out my medicated comb!"                         
                                                            
23873 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Wally was glad he got laid,                             
By that sweet little Idaho maid,                            
But a social disease,                                       
And a bad case of fleas                                     
Left Wally's poor wife all dismayed.                        
                                                            
23874 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



Some women will sound like a tease,                         
And their tits will hang down to their knees.               
So from all of us guys                                      
That you fucking despise,                                   
May your cunt be infested with fleas.                       
                                                            
23875 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Jeeves                   



A promiscuous hiker, Louise,                                
Scratched an itch she just couldn't appease.                
Her torrid affair                                           
With a grizzly bear                                         
Left her muffin infested with fleas.                        
                                                            
23876 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Moaned a careless young whore named Louise,                 
"I've contracted a social disease,                          
So now other matrons                                        
Will get all my patrons,                                    
But perhaps it will rid me of fleas!"                       
                                                            
23877 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Norm Storer              



On I-5, at a rest stop near Weed,                           
A rec van did bounce without heed;                          
It suddenly stopped;                                        
"Your bush! Something hopped!                               
"My love, we must get you de-flead!"                        
                                                            
23878 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



There once was a man of St. Bees,                           
Who'd an awful affliction of fleas.                         
When one dared to suppose                                   
He'd go up the man's nose,                                  
It was quickly dispatched with a sneeze.                    
                                                            
23879 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Ken Grabach              



You must try to look like young Xena,                       
Whose example is oh-so-much meaner.                         
Although she's got tits,                                    
She's also got nits;                                        
In those days they were never cleana!                       
                                                            
23880 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Jim Weaver Collection    



The Malathion malediction                                   
Will burn the scalp and cause constriction                  
Of follicle pores,                                          
Which a louse abhors,                                       
And will likely cause his transfixion.                      
                                                            
23881 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Daniel Ford              



Lyme treatment is short, its been said;                     
Much disputed by those who're well read.                    
But said Dr. Segal,                                         
Voice defensive and regal,                                  
"So what? We've only lost a few dead."                      
                                                            
23882 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Brian                    



So now there is this big theory;                            
It makes me a little bit leery.                             
You don't really have Lyme,                                 
It's pseudo this time.                                      
So why do I feel so dreary?                                 
                                                            
23883 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



I got bit by a little black tick;                           
Disgusted I pulled it out quick.                            
I knew it was dead                                          
'Cause I squished in its head,                              
But I believe it has made me quite sick.                    
                                                            
23884 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Cary Seals               



There once was a disease called Lyme                        
Made you ache here and there all the time.                  
What is really sad                                          
And makes you real mad,                                     
Is to exist without losing your mind.                       
                                                            
23885 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Ginny                    



There once was a controversy in Lyme                        
Of overdiagnosis, some opine.                               
But said Dr. Steer,                                         
You have nothing to fear,                                   
I treat this stuff all of the time.                         
                                                            
23886 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Brian                    



The Borrellia burgdorfi bugs                                
Were given by Lenny some hugs.                              
His bank account feasts                                     
On these wonderful beasts,                                  
When they are not hindered by drugs.                        
                                                            
23887 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



He was so sad at my rejection,                              
But upon closer inspection,                                 
I looked at his dick                                        
And saw a fat tick,                                         
And worried about Lyme infection.                           
                                                            
23888 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



Dermatologists are really so nice,                          
Offering free, but unasked for, advice.                     
Dandruff?  No me!                                           
Those white flakes you see                                  
Are the droppings of a colony of lice.                      
                                                            
23889 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Norm Brust               



"Though Deborah shaves with meticulousness,                 
She suffers from frequent pediculousness."                  
Wrote Doctor McCotes                                        
In her medical notes                                        
With polysyllabic ridiculousness.                           
                                                            
23890 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Peter Wilkins            



Vampie, a ravenous tick,                                    
Was sucking the blood from Tom's dick.                      
"I'll use a fine tweezer                                    
To remove her and squeeze her;                              
At that spot I can't flick my BIC."                         
                                                            
23891 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



A gaggle of Genesee chicks                                  
Enjoyed all the pleasure of dicks.                          
But when fucking, their rugs                                
Should have been checked for bugs;                          
'Cause now all their snatches have ticks.                   
                                                            
23892 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Jim Weaver Collection    



"I can see you've been up to old tricks!"                   
Said Clem as his wife's twat he licks.                      
"Have you had me followed?"                                 
She asked as he wallowed.                                   
"Hell no!  In your bush you've got ticks!"                  
                                                            
23893 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS     Travis Brasell           



A randy young fellow with moxie                             
Fucked a fat, syphilitic old doxie.                         
When he looked 'tween her knees                             
And saw millions of fleas,                                  
He regretted not fucking by proxy.                          
                                                            
23894 DISEASE - FLEAS/LICE/TICKS                              



In Bath they've remarkable buns;                            
I was told this by several nuns.                            
You take a quick bite,                                      
And you're up half the night                                
With a terrible case of the runs.                           
                                                            
23895 DISEASE - GUT                  Bill Wall                



There was a young lady of Cowl,                             
Who had a disease of the bowel.                             
All the dogs in the street,                                 
Lapped up the green meat                                    
That fell from her sanitary towel.                          
                                                            
23896 DISEASE - GUT                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A slender young model named Gretchen,                       
Claimed "Bullemia keeps me so fetchin'.                     
Perhaps exercise                                            
Would slim down my thighs,                                  
But it's much more effective just retchin'."                
                                                            
23897 DISEASE - GUT                                           



A poor redneck farmer named Keyes                           
Was felled by some loathsome disease;                       
"A dillar, a dollara,                                       
You've ring 'round the cholera,"                            
Pronounced his physician Louise.                            
                                                            
23898 DISEASE - GUT                  Armand E Singer       656



If I constipated should be--                                
Another home cure remedy--                                  
Though I am uptight,                                        
Things will come out right                                  
'Cause my Diarrhea Pill's with me.                          
                                                            
23899 DISEASE - GUT                  Irving Superior     P9107



With Asian food she had a fascination.                      
The dish required extensive mastication                     
She ordered a bowl                                          
And swallowed it whole                                      
The net result was major constipation.                      
                                                            
23900 DISEASE - GUT                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



If you're still stuffed with chocolate and cheeses,         
And waiting 'til discomfort eases,                          
Well, worry no more.                                        
It's hard to ignore,                                        
But constipation does not cause diseases.                   
                                                            
23901 DISEASE - GUT                  Election 2000            



"Ach du leber," roared Dr. von Schtoopen,                   
"Small vunder der spirits iss droopen.                      
You haff constipation,                                      
A common stagnation,                                        
Vat in Cherman, ve call farfrumpoopen!"                     
                                                            
23902 DISEASE - GUT                  Bob Giandomenico    P9405



A tourist from Big Run, PA                   (PA)           
Was travelling down Mexico Way;                             
Montezuma's revenge                                         
Was quite a challenge,                                      
That left him in some disarray.                             
                                                            
23903 DISEASE - GUT                  Allan Ottley        P8805



When something needs doing bad,                             
I often feel quite glad,                                    
That I am still at home,                                    
So there's not far to roam,                                 
For that Diarrhea problem I had.                            
                                                            
23904 DISEASE - GUT                                           



I sure pity that loser named Leah;                          
She has tried the whole pharmacopeia;                       
But her drugs never work,                                   
And the doctors just smirk,                                 
When they spot brown stains from diarrhea.                  
                                                            
23905 DISEASE - GUT                  Armand E Singer          



Whenever I get diarrhea--                                   
Assuming it should happen hea,                              
I'd not run and curse.                                      
I'd finish this verse                                       
'Cause my Constipation Pill's nea.                          
                                                            
23906 DISEASE - GUT                  Irving Superior     P9107



There once was a girl from Gymeer,                          
Who like to take it up the rear.                            
A man from Tibet                                            
Said, "My God! You are wet!"                                
She said, "No, it is just diarrhea."                        
                                                            
23907 DISEASE - GUT                  David Sydney             



I once drank some water from a stream;                      
It's a harmless act, it would seem.                         
But when a change came about,                               
Now my insides are out,                                     
And I wear lots of Monkey Butt Cream!                       
                                                            
23908 DISEASE - GUT                  Russ                     



I know what I really should do,                             
Is to wash when I've done number two.                       
Because worse than the streams                              
Are the poo germs, it seems.                                
And who knows, I could pass them to you!                    
                                                            
23909 DISEASE - GUT                  Russ                     



I'm sorry that you're all alone;                            
Like the airport, I'm stuck here at home.                   
Sick with diarrhea,                                         
But I've an idea,                                           
How 'bout if I send you my clone?                           
                                                            
23910 DISEASE - GUT                  Carol                    



I don't wish to cause any scenes                            
While your turning six shades of greens,                    
But I feel you must know                                    
That your clone is a ho,                                    
And she's tried twice to get in my genes.                   
                                                            
23911 DISEASE - GUT                  Jon Gearhart             



I guess I'll just sleep on the floor                        
Downstairs till your ills are no more.                      
And once they have passed,                                  
(With a green noxious blast)                                
We've got some fun games to explore.                        
                                                            
23912 DISEASE - GUT                  Jon Gearhart             



Just in time for the holiday,                               
I'm better and no cramps today.                             
So Honey, please wait;                                      
I'll be there at eight,                                     
And those games we will start right away.                   
                                                            
23913 DISEASE - GUT                  Carol                    



Hear the plight of the traveler named Titus:                
No control of his anal detritis.                            
This fecal disaster                                         
From germs in his gaster,   (gasto-intestinal?)             
Comes from bugs we all pray will not bite us.               
                                                            
23914 DISEASE - GUT                  Armand E Singer        76



On finding an old cafeteria,                                
Sam 'n Ella, the rabid bacteria                             
Had sex on the pasta,                                       
Then multiplied faster                                      
Ingested in someone's interior.                             
                                                            
23915 DISEASE - GUT                  PeterW                   



That someone was me, I can tell,                            
'Cause my bathroom's as smelly as hell.                     
There's shit on the floor,                                  
And yet more on the door,                                   
And there's puke on the ceiling as well.                    
                                                            
23916 DISEASE - GUT                  PeterW                   



So sorry to hear 'bout those germs.                         
Did you get it from some pachyderms?                        
With the elephant flu,                                      
There are gallons of poo,                                   
And your insides are crawling with worms.                   
                                                            
23917 DISEASE - GUT                  Faerie                   



You're lucky the cure is quite simple;                      
Find a woman who's wearing a wimple.                        
Have her suck your dick;                                    
You'll no longer be sick,                                   
'Cause those germs will pop out like a pimple.              
                                                            
23918 DISEASE - GUT                  Faerie                   



A grimmericks writer called Bean,                           
Ate food from a plate that's unclean.                       
He fed on some pork                                         
With a dirty old fork,                                      
And died of that dreaded gangrene.                          
                                                            
23919 DISEASE - GUT                  Bob Birch           P0302



"Yes, hot garlic oil enemas for                             
All diseases and ailments galore!"                          
Thus my mom would admonish,                                 
Then really astonish:                                       
"Take just three a day only. No more!"                      
                                                            
23920 DISEASE - GUT                  Don Moore           P9107



A man with no vent for his bile                             
Came drifting down on the Nile.                             
He'd come for the cure                                      
To make his skin pure,                                      
And eliminate his verdigris smile.                          
                                                            
23921 DISEASE - GUT                  Edwin J Weinstein        



The great diagnostician, No Kloo,                           
Said to colleagues, "Gents, I'm telling you                 
This ailment's atrocious.                                   
I've named it 'psiosis,'                                    
Since that's hard to spell, let's call it sprue."           
                                                            
23922 DISEASE - GUT                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



I've a headache and now I'm sneezing;                       
I'm coughing and choking and wheezing.                      
And those damn squirts                                      
Make my butt cheeks hurt,                                   
From constantly holding and squeezing!                      
                                                            
23923 DISEASE - GUT                  Carol                    



I fear I am down with a bug.                                
I wish I had genie and jug,                                 
That I could be rid                                         
Of the germ that has hid                                    
In my stomach, so warm and so snug.                         
                                                            
23924 DISEASE - GUT                  ROE                      



A telegrapher named Philip Potts                            
Found his stomach was tied into knots.                      
"The fact of the matter                                     
I keep sending badder;                                      
All my dashes have turned into dots."                       
                                                            
23925 DISEASE - GUT                  Tom Patton          P0108



Angst, poetry, urbanized fret,                              
Have my authentique stomach upset.                          
Beauty is horror --                                         
We'll see no tomorrow --                                    
(It's more that just something I et.)                       
                                                            
23926 DISEASE - GUT                  Sydney Bernard Smith     



Because typhoid is more water-BORNE,                        
E. coli'd likely disease suborn                             
By that handling stealth                                    
To injure the health                                        
Of all those who would hand-washing scorn.                  
                                                            
23927 DISEASE - GUT                  Daniel Ford              



A fellow with warts on his belly                            
Was told he could cure them with jelly.                     
So he spread it on thick                                    
Clear down to his dick,                                     
But his girlfriend complained he was smelly.                
                                                            
23928 DISEASE - HERPES               Julia Strawn        P8708



Although he confessed it was rape                           
When he screwed the young drill on the Cape,  (mandrill)    
It still made the lad                                       
Exceedingly mad                                             
To get herpes from that female ape.                         
                                                            
23929 DISEASE - HERPES               A. N. Wilkins       P8408



Certain seeds you buy only from Burpees;                    
Only Seven-Eleven serves slurpees.                          
But there are many places,                                  
Where girls with fresh faces,                               
For a fee will infect you with herpes.                      
                                                            
23930 DISEASE - HERPES               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



A traveling salesman from Burpee's,                         
Afflicted with genital herpes,                              
Whined, "Attractive, it's not --                            
What I got from some twat --                                
I'd rather get sick from iced slurpees."                    
                                                            
23931 DISEASE - HERPES               Armand E Singer       472



Her business was starting to mount;                         
With the johns, she could hardly keep count.                
What she said was the reason,                               
As she did her pleasin',                                    
"Remember the herpes discount."                             
                                                            
23932 DISEASE - HERPES               Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow we pity named Schwartz                             
Is covered in genital warts;                                
He's decided they're due                                    
To his fiance Sue,                                          
And taken his case to the courts.                           
                                                            
23933 DISEASE - HERPES               Armand E Singer       826



There was an old man of Quebec --                           
A beetle ran over his neck.                                 
But he cried, "With a needle                                
I'll slay you, Oh beetle!"                                  
And gave himself Herpes simplex.                            
                                                            
23934 DISEASE - HERPES               Edwardian Leer 091  P9306



A cad of a fellow named Fred,                               
Enticed a sweet miss to his bed.                            
He promised her rings                                       
And other fine things,                                      
But he gave her Herpes instead.                             
                                                            
23935 DISEASE - HERPES               Pierce Evans             



We gardened with seeds sent by Burpee's,                    
We never drank Pepsis or Slurpees.                          
We ate what we grew                                         
And bathed just to screw.                                   
So how come you came down with herpes?                      
                                                            
23936 DISEASE - HERPES               Roy Hanselman       P8403



"Don't worry," she tole Sergeant Moore,                     
The bravest Marine in the Corps,                            
When he took her home late                                  
From a Saturday date,                                       
"It's actually just a cold sore."                           
                                                            
23937 DISEASE - HERPES               A. N. Wilkins       P8406



Way out in El Paso Del Norte,                               
The boys are eager and sporty.                              
They cross over to Mex.                                     
And catch Herpes simplex.                                   
Soon their wives find their labia warty.                    
                                                            
23938 DISEASE - HERPES               Ed Wolfert          P8208



Now don't think you're safe, no siree;                      
Because you sail over the sea.                              
If I can't physically find you,                             
Then let these words bind you:                              
I suffer from Herpes simplex THREE!                         
                                                            
23939 DISEASE - HERPES                                        



A lad saved his pennies and bought                          
Some time with a whore as he sought                         
To allay sexual fears                                       
And catch up with his peers.                                
Herpes simplex is all that he caught.                       
                                                            
23940 DISEASE - HERPES               Eos                 P8502



When herpes has caused a secretion                          
In your anal or genital region,                             
You ladies and gents                                        
Will find it makes sense                                    
To join the American Lesion.                                
                                                            
23941 DISEASE - HERPES                                        



"Between Mono and Herpes," said Chris,                      
"The difference is principally this:                        
They're contracted these days                               
In opposite ways.                                           
You get mono by snatching a kiss."                          
                                                            
23942 DISEASE - HERPES               A. N. Wilkins       P8512



I assure you there's nothing to fear.                       
I've had it for more than a year.                           
It comes and it goes;                                       
I'm sorry it shows;                                         
But it's only a coldsore, my Dear.                          
                                                            
23943 DISEASE - HERPES               Peter Watson        P8412



Slick Willy's top lip bears inspection                      
From doctors astute at detection.                           
With no cold related,                                       
The cause can be stated,                                    
It's the other type Herpes infection.                       
                                                            
23944 DISEASE - HERPES               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young woman named Rose                          
Who had bunions all over her toes.                          
But the worst of it was,                                    
She was childless because                                   
She had warts in worse places than those.                   
                                                            
23945 DISEASE - HERPES                                   G1714



Back in my day, they warned about petting,                  
But what youngsters do now has me sweating!                 
They think necking's too tame,                              
And it's such a damn shame,                                 
The abortions and herpes they're getting.                   
                                                            
23946 DISEASE - HERPES               Robin K. Willoughby P8502



There once was a man that smelled rotten;                   
In town a cheap whore he had boughten.                      
He went to the Doc                                          
Who looked at his Cock;                                     
Herpes Type 2 he had gotten.                                
                                                            
23947 DISEASE - HERPES                                        



According to latest reports,                                
If you hope for venereal warts,                             
Go in for connection                                        
With a sneer at infection,                                  
And they'll gather upon you by quarts.                      
                                                            
23948 DISEASE - HERPES                                   G1950



"Doctor, that wart on my dick                               
Keeps growing, though I put on thick                        
That salve that you gave.                                   
Now the thing won't behave                                  
And I keep getting stuck in my chick."                      
                                                            
23949 DISEASE - HERPES                                        



Hairy Mary, oh so scary,                                    
How does your garden grow?                                  
That cheesy smell,                                          
Oh fucking Hell!                                            
And herpes warts all in a row.                              
                                                            
23950 DISEASE - HERPES               Bulldog            TP9804



There was a young girl of Kilkenny,                         
On whose genital parts there were many                      
Venereal growths,                                           
The result of wild oats                                     
Sown there by a fellow named Benny.                         
                                                            
23951 DISEASE - HERPES                                   L1104



The drawback to elephantiasis                               
Is you failure to flee in a criosis.                        
You're chained by your balls--                              
A thought that appalls,                                     
To the point where some guys avoid vi-oces.                 
(elephant prepuce has a large drawback - McW)               
23952 DISEASE - IASIS                                    G1907



I view with no end of compassion                            
Any fellow bedecked in this fashion.                        
Such a horribly odd piece                                   
Would call for a codpiece,                                  
And sitting down slow to save mashin'!                      
                                                            
23953 DISEASE - IASIS                                    G1906



There is a young satyr named Vaughn,                        
With morals like those of a faun.                           
He prances and frolics,                                     
Displaying his bollocks,                                    
And screws the night through until dawn.                    
                                                            
23954 DISEASE - IASIS                Armand E Singer       271



An oversexed satyr named Bluxom                             
Likes babes who are big, bare, and buxom.                   
"Them gals," the guy said,                                  
"Are the best ass in bed,                                   
And when I gets 'em spread, man, I fucks 'em!"              
                                                            
23955 DISEASE - IASIS                                    G0531



There was a young man from Stamboul,                        
Who boasted so torrid a tool,                               
That each female crater                                     
Explored by this satyr,                                     
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.                            
                                                            
23956 DISEASE - IASIS                                    L0241



In the barnyard a Satyr named Jones                         
Is assaulting a bevy of crones.                             
If the crones get away,                                     
Then the pig has her day,                                   
To assuage Jones' excess of hormones.                       
                                                            
23957 DISEASE - IASIS                Gents Alphabet Book P9604



A nobel young lad named Belliasis,                          
Was a sad case of satyriasis,                               
'Till help psychiatric                                      
Brought the fucking fanatic                                 
To a state of sexual stasis.                                
                                                            
23958 DISEASE - IASIS                                    L1083



The chap looked decidedly queer                             
When viewed from the front or the rear.                     
His butt was immense.                                       
His balls made you wince.                                   
That's elephantiasis, dear.                                 
                                                            
23959 DISEASE - IASIS                Larry Davis         P8512



When the Bishop of Solomons diocese,                        
Was striken with elephantiasis,                             
The public beheld                                           
His balls as they swelled,                                  
By paying exorbitant priocese.                              
                                                            
23960 DISEASE - IASIS                                    L1657



A fellow with elephantiasis                                 
Looked down at his balls and said, "Fie on this!            
Although big might seem better,                             
I've become a bedwetter,                                    
When I lie on the organ whereby I piss."                    
                                                            
23961 DISEASE - IASIS                Don Moore           P0109



Three lustful young ladies of Simms,                        
Were blessed with such oversized quims,                     
The Bishop of their diocese                                 
Got elephantiasis,                                          
For his life wasn't all singing hymns.                      
                                                            
23962 DISEASE - IASIS                                    L0565



A filarial worm does abound                                 
Which caused a swelling profound.                           
If it gets a good start                                     
In your balls -- get a cart                                 
To transport your testes around.                            
                                                            
23963 DISEASE - IASIS                Al Chaplin          P0109



There is something about satyriasis,                        
That arouses psychiatrists' biasis,                         
But we're both very pleased,                                
We're in this way diseased,                                 
As the damsel who's waiting to try us is.                   
                                                            
23964 DISEASE - IASIS                Isaac Asimov             



When elephanti'sis hit Lutz,                                
It offered no ifs, ands, or buts,                           
For the weight of his frame                                 
And his balls were the same.                                
The putz known as Lutz was half nuts!                       
                                                            
23965 DISEASE - IASIS                John Dohner         P8806



A worn willing wench of Parnassus                           
Said, "I'm a victim of Peter Manassas.                      
He keeps the joint jumping                                  
With his humping and pumping,                               
Brought about by his satyri-assis!"                         
                                                            
23966 DISEASE - IASIS                Grand Prix Lim  211      



Is heart-break your lot from psoriasis?                     
Your balls swelled from elephantiasis?                      
Well, that's not so bad --                                  
What really is sad,                                         
Is an impotent man with satyriasis.                         
                                                            
23967 DISEASE - IASIS                Ed Potts            P8602



A psychiatrist said, "It's no matter                        
That my husband is mad as a hatter.                         
There are certain psychoses                                 
That bring sex in large doses.                              
My husband, you see, is a satyr."                           
                                                            
23968 DISEASE - IASIS                Isaac Asimov             



Said a man with rampant psoriasis,                          
"It's a dreadful disease; oh my, it is.                     
Made my tool red and pink,                                  
Which then started to shrink.                               
I'm praying for elephantiasis.'                             
                                                            
23969 DISEASE - IASIS                Tom Patton          P0109



Urologists meeting in Schlitz                               
Gave papers on syph, clap, and shits.                       
Despite petty biases,                                       
Male elephantiasis                                          
Was voted by most as the pits.                              
                                                            
23970 DISEASE - IASIS                Armand E Singer       179



An old Aussie from our diocese,                             
Comatose from trombidiasis,                                 
Awoke from his deep sleep,                                  
Said, "I've a date to keep.                                 
Will someone tell me what day this is?"                     
                                                            
23971 DISEASE - IASIS                Tom Patton          P0311



A curate who works in this diocese,                         
Is affected by elephantiasis.                               
He has seen neither calf                                    
For twelve years and a half,                                
And this fact his opinions much biases.                     
                                                            
23972 DISEASE - IASIS                Aldous Huxely       P8208



A marvelous thing is a scab;                                
The body's one means of rehab.                              
But not for the diseased,                                   
They'll soon be deceased,                                   
And buried down under a slab.                               
                                                            
23973 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Wes Biggs                



One day a young man from Gelloff                            
Was to a leper colony sent off.                             
All the ladies would pay                                    
For a roll in the hay,                                      
'Til one day his business fell off!                         
                                                            
23974 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Anon                     



The whorehouse on fair Molokai                              
(The island from where lepers hie)                          
Has had to shut down --                                     
The reason? They foun'                                      
Business fell off, whilst trade they would ply.             
                                                            
23975 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Robin K. Willoughby P8512



They now call it Hansen's disease.                          
No Biblical stigma there, please.                           
So, though you deplore                                      
The lepers next door,                                       
They won't let you cancel the lease.                        
                                                            
23976 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Larry Davis         P8512



There was an old leper with grippe,                         
Whose cock had a boil on the tip.                           
The rats bearing plague                                     
Would chew off a leg                                        
Whenever they stepped in his drip.                          
                                                            
23977 DISEASE - LEPROSY              H WHELCHEL               



The old leper should be in fine fettle.                     
The town actually gave him a medal.                         
That drippy old sot                                         
Made rats easier caught,                                    
Because without legs they can't scuttle.                    
                                                            
23978 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Marlene Lewis            



Down in the basement we kep' her,                           
Because dear old Sis was a leper.                           
And there on her cot,                                       
Her body did rot,                                           
And when some fell off, Mama swept her.                     
                                                            
23979 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Jonathan Winn            



"A therapist must see my nieces,                            
Their leprosy always increases                              
Emotional stress,"                                          
Said their Auntie Tess,                                     
"I fear they'll be falling to pieces!"                      
                                                            
23980 DISEASE - LEPROSY                                       



A leper desired very much                                   
A license to drive cars and such.                           
But the driving exam's                                      
Where he got in a jam;                                      
He kept leaving his foot on the clutch.                     
                                                            
23981 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Allen Wolverton          



In a Singapore joint, quite a gyp,                          
A whore wondered how low she could slip.                    
As she lay there in bed,                                    
Her last customer said,                                     
"I'm a leper, so just keep the tip."                        
                                                            
23982 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Don Moore           P9205



A leper who came from the town,                             
Grabbed his pecker and twisted it 'round.                   
"It looks like it's rooted,"                                
Joe woefully muted,                                         
As the knob dropped on the ground.                          
                                                            
23983 DISEASE - LEPROSY                                  T9712



There once was a dancer, Culpepper,                         
Who now is a terminal leper.                                
One foot in the grave,                                      
(The one they can't save)                                   
He shuffles along a one-stepper.                            
                                                            
23984 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Irving Superior     P8512



There once was a man with no arm,                           
Who worked as a hand on a farm.                             
A boot found in the hay,                                    
And he was heard to say,                                    
"It's just my foot, there's no alarm."                      
                                                            
23985 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Carrie Heath             



There once was a banker named Moore,                        
Who got leprosy in Singapore.                               
He did well in investin',                                   
'Til he lost his intestines,                                
Now his body is covered in sores.                           
                                                            
23986 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Wes Biggs                



There once was a leper from hell                            
Whose rot had a horrible smell.                             
It was driving him bonkers,                                 
So he pulled off his honker,                                
For he knows, the nose knows all too well.                  
                                                            
23987 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Wes Biggs                



My cousin likes Ruffles with dip.                           
It makes for an excellent chip.                             
He lives with a leper,                                      
Doesn't bother to schlepp her,                              
Thrusts his Ruffles into her hip.                           
                                                            
23988 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Jonathan Winn            



A girl who ignores facts she hears,                         
With leprosy rotted for years.                              
She behaved so disdainfully,                                
She slowly and painfully                                    
Died in an ocean of tears.                                  
                                                            
23989 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Jim Weaver Collection    



I found me a whore and I kep'er,                            
Though I don't know why -- she's a leper;                   
Her cunt has a taste                                        
That would just go to waste,                                
If 'tweren't for much salt and black pepper.                
                                                            
23990 DISEASE - LEPROSY                                       



A leper would massage his gland;                            
One day it came off in his hand!                            
He said: "Now I do,                                         
What's achieved by so few,                                  
I suck my own dick.  Ain't that grand?"                     
                                                            
23991 DISEASE - LEPROSY                                       



If you're broke to the bottomest max,                       
Invite lepers to parties for snacks;                        
Have 'em sit by the table                                   
As close as they're able,                                   
And use Fritos to dip in their backs.                       
                                                            
23992 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Anon                     



My God! What a disgusting view,                             
Using lepers and snacking their goo.                        
If you need the money,                                      
To buy some dip, honey,                                     
Let me know and I'll give it to you.                        
                                                            
23993 DISEASE - LEPROSY                                       



A leper whose skin was just flaking,                        
Fell into an oven and was baking.                           
When crisp, he was dished,                                  
And the people all wished                                   
That they had known what they were making.                  
                                                            
23994 DISEASE - LEPROSY              Funny Bone               



I have news of that really fine cow,                        
That Bessie that we used to plow.                           
I'm weak in the knees,                                      
And was told that she's                                     
A Big Mac, please don't ask me how.                         
                                                            
23995 DISEASE - MAD COW              Frank Fazed              



You're sure that she really is dead?                        
They probably whacked her in the head.                      
Those McDonald Fuckers,                                     
Money grubbing suckers,                                     
With mad cow we're about to be fed.                         
                                                            
23996 DISEASE - MAD COW              PeterW                   



That Oprah was on the right track.                          
She said she would send burgers back.                       
The beef guys retort?                                       
"We'll see you in court!"                                   
No mind that a good case they lack.                         
                                                            
23997 DISEASE - MAD COW              Frank Fazed              



I'm watching my health, don't you see;                      
I think I'll just let Bessie be.                            
You guys ahve a treat                                       
On that mad cow meat,                                       
But look for strange signs whem you pee.                    
                                                            
23998 DISEASE - MAD COW              Frank Fazed              



One of those tragic anomalies                               
Affecting our Public Health policies --                     
Scores of accident victims                                  
Will be killed by restrictions                              
On blood, lest one get mad-cow disease.                     
                                                            
23999 DISEASE - MAD COW              Dr Limerick  02-16-01    



Mad Cows, oh please don't disturb                           
In attempt their diseases to curb,                          
Lest, like killer bees,                                     
They drop their chemise,                                    
And breed with the indigent Serb.                           
                                                            
24000 DISEASE - MAD COW              Martin Wellborn     P9606



The EU health head, David Byrne,                            
Took costly steps, once he had learned                      
That pinching his pence                                     
Had stopped making sense,                                   
And he hopes faith in beef will return.                     
                                                            
24001 DISEASE - MAD COW              Election 2000            



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
If you eat beef from other countries,                       
Or give Texans a break                                      
And eat lots of the steak                                   
Oprah's show caused to rot in deep freeze!                  
                                                            
24002 DISEASE - MAD COW              Prof M-G                 



My son was quivering and quaking;                           
A tongue lashing from Sis he's taking.                      
He turned to ask me                                         
"Why's it call PMT?                                         
"Mad cow disease, son, had been taken."                     
                                                            
24003 DISEASE - MAD COW              Tony Burrell             



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
By rejecting the vet's remedies.                            
Said one cow to the other,                                  
"We don't need to bother.                                   
Thank goodness we're both chimpanzees."                     
                                                            
24004 DISEASE - MAD COW              Traqair            TP9804



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
From naughty things done on your knees.                     
That beef gives this tumor,                                 
Is just right-wing rumor --                                 
Another one of those CONSPIRACIES!                          
                                                            
24005 DISEASE - MAD COW              H Myers                  



But wait! Is that address "U K?"                            
Cow lovers, can anyone say                                  
Amongst STD's                                               
Is there mad cow disease?                                   
(Excuse me, I'll just stay away.)                           
                                                            
24006 DISEASE - MAD COW                                       



"It's hell keeping pets," said Elise.                       
"The cat is infested with fleas;                            
The parrot won't speak:                                     
The baboon's bladder's weak                                 
And the budgie has Mad Cow disease."                        
                                                            
24007 DISEASE - MAD COW              John Dole           P9604



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
From an unhappy cow's nasty sneeze.                         
Even worse, (and I shudder)                                 
Is a squirt from her udder                                  
And this is no bull, if you please.                         
                                                            
24008 DISEASE - MAD COW              KJR                      



Just look at this fellow, he's sick!                        
There are spots on the end of his dick!                     
His voice, it goes lower,                                   
Thinks he's a lawnmower.                                    
This virus he got from a cow!                               
                                                            
24009 DISEASE - MAD COW              Faerie                   



I have calves brains on toast for a starter.                
Now to fits I've become quite a martyr.                     
When I sit down to play,                                    
My hands run away                                           
With the Jakobfeldt-Kreuzer Sonata.                         
                                                            
24010 DISEASE - MAD COW              Jim Weaver Collection    



You can only catch mad cow disease,                         
Thought the blonde going down on her knees,                 
"So I won't eat his beef;                                   
I'll just jerk him relief,                                  
And then I will lick all the cheese!"                       
                                                            
24011 DISEASE - MAD COW              Friar                    



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
If you eat well-cooked beef on your knees.                  
Genuflecting is bad,                                        
And it makes you go mad.                                    
So we ask you to keep standing, please.                     
                                                            
24012 DISEASE - MAD COW              Emma               TP9804



You can only catch mad cow disease,                         
While in Washington, D.C.                                   
If you touch or lip                                         
Old Linda Tripp,                                            
'Cause a sick mad cow is she!                               
                                                            
24013 DISEASE - MAD COW              Marsha Magee             



There once was a cow mad as hell;                           
Disease caused her brain to swell.                          
Such was the fate                                           
Of Dame Thatcher's mate                                     
And now afflicts cattle as well.                            
                                                            
24014 DISEASE - MAD COW              Jim Weaver Collection    



You can only catch mad cow disease,                         
If you get down on your knees                               
And try to make butter,                                     
By sucking her udder,                                       
Till milk's past your eyes, don't you see.                  
                                                            
24015 DISEASE - MAD COW              Theresa                  



Said Dr Dripspigot, "You've got                             
A high fever, bloke, you're hot!                            
I think that your sneeze                                    
Is Mad Cow Disease;                                         
A head cold?  I think that it's not!                        
                                                            
24016 DISEASE - MAD COW              Travis Brasell           



Of mad cow's disease, said Cow 1:                           
"No harm can ever be done                                   
To me or to you."                                           
"Why's that?" asked Cow 2.                                  
"We're frogs!" said the first. "Ain't that fun?"            
                                                            
24017 DISEASE - MAD COW                                       



The second cow thought: Is it true?                         
Then color my green hide all blue!                          
For we've big baggy udders                                  
Instead of webbed rudders,                                  
And in place of a 'ribbet', we moo                          
                                                            
24018 DISEASE - MAD COW                                       



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
If you dine on their meat at your ease.                     
It's really a fad                                           
With the cows going mad;                                    
Not a thing I would like, if you please.                    
                                                            
24019 DISEASE - MAD COW              Anonymous                



You an only catch mad cow disease                           
From those Euro-cows, we swear!  So please,                 
Your duty's to eat                                          
American meat,                                              
And stay away from those peas.                              
                                                            
24020 DISEASE - MAD COW              Codfish            TP9804



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
If you're bitten by one of their fleas.                     
It takes just a chomp                                       
On the end of your rump;                                    
You're MAD; but the flea is appeased.                       
                                                            
24021 DISEASE - MAD COW              PJ                 TP9804



You only get mad cow disease                                
From pissed-off cows overseas.                              
They're killing our breed off,                              
Those cows that are teed-off;                               
Ain't it offal? No steak, if you please!                    
                                                            
24022 DISEASE - MAD COW              Marsha Magee             



You can only catch mad cow disease                          
Eating beef...but from pork pie and peas,                   
You can catch mad pig flu,                                  
And from eating lamb stew,                                  
You can catch mad sheep sickness with ease.                 
                                                            
24023 DISEASE - MAD COW              Prof M-G                 



That old cow, it's true that I woooooed                     
With a bit of moral turpituuuuude.                          
Now help me, please!                                        
I've got Mad Cow Disease!                                   
It does really ruin the moooooed.                           
                                                            
24024 DISEASE - MAD COW              Frank Fazed              



Send Bossie to Bosnia now!                                  
After all, she is only a cow.                               
And the slaughterhouse may                                  
Be deprived of its prey                                     
By a purpose far nobler, somehow.                           
                                                            
24025 DISEASE - MAD COW              William C. Nesbit   P9605



All the cows with the Mad Cow disease                       
Should be in Bosnia, overseas.                              
There they can trample                                      
Where land mines are ample,                                 
Then be served by Serbian McD's.                            
                                                            
24026 DISEASE - MAD COW              Tom Patton          P9605



We'll now have more fear and more loathing,                 
If veterinarians are now diagnosing                         
A flock in Vermont,                                         
Finding not what they want --                               
But Mad Cow lurking in a sheep's clothing.                  
                                                            
24027 DISEASE - MAD COW              Dr Limerick  03-21-01    



Please put your mind at ease;                               
Old Bossie can still get a squeeze.                         
She was rejected                                            
'Cause she was infected;                                    
Old Bossie has mad cow disease.                             
                                                            
24028 DISEASE - MAD COW              Les Stewart              



That mad cow disease makes them jump.                       
So now, when we get near her rump,                          
We'd best hang on tight                                     
And ride her just right,                                    
If we want a decent cow hump.                               
                                                            
24029 DISEASE - MAD COW              Frank Fazed              



This Mad Cow Disease scare is intense,                      
So when consuming beef, show some sense.                    
As with the STD's,                                          
This could be a breeze,                                     
If one makes sure to use condiments.                        
                                                            
24030 DISEASE - MAD COW              Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



I once knew a lady named Lynn,                              
Who wasn't fat, but then wasn't thin.                       
But how she would try,                                      
Like she wanted to die;                                     
To her, diets were a big sin.                               
                                                            
24031 DISEASE - MENTAL               Arthur Pattaffy          



With his Asperger's syndrome he coped,                      
Quite as well as his doctors had hoped.                     
He hollowed a tree,                                         
Moved in, and said, "Me?                                    
I'll go out no more unless doped!"                          
                                                            
24032 DISEASE - MENTAL               Kate Gray                



I'm going to go crazy real soon;                            
I think it might be a true boon.                            
I hear in the bin,                                          
The girls scream and spin,                                  
And sometimes they put out the poon.                        
                                                            
24033 DISEASE - MENTAL               H Welchel                



Now I never suffer from stress,                             
But if you go look at the mess                              
I leave in my wake,                                         
With the things that I break,                               
You'd call me a carrier, I guess.                           
                                                            
24034 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



I push any door I should pull;                              
I spill any glass that is full;                             
And one store man stated,                                   
Quite exasperated:                                          
"This china shop'd rather a bull."                          
                                                            
24035 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



I handle young ladies while groping                         
For door handles, fervently hoping                          
I'll make my escape,                                        
Before they cry "Rape!",                                    
And I won't in jail soon be moping.                         
                                                            
24036 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



If there be a God, then he blessed                          
This fellow, who never gets stressed;                       
As blithely I ramble,                                       
And let others scramble,                                    
To pick up the shards, quite distressed.                    
                                                            
24037 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



Insanity is inherited;                                      
This maxim I've often heard said.                           
Parents, if inspected,                                      
Found to be infected;                                       
They've caught it from kids they have bred.                 
                                                            
24038 DISEASE - MENTAL               Tony Burrell             



There was an old dear in Sydney,                            
Who received no response to her plea,                       
About neighborhood boys                                     
Who made such a noise,                                      
So she went on a shot-gunning spree.                        
                                                            
24039 DISEASE - MENTAL               Don Humphries            



To a virgin old maid of Argentia,                           
Said this fellow, "Can I be a freintia?"                    
But she let out a yell,                                     
Screaming loud bloody hell                                  
In an outburst of pre-cocks dementia.                       
                                                            
24040 DISEASE - MENTAL               Keith MacMillan       19b



Any one who seeks to be sane                                
In this world that is wholly insane,                        
Can be sure of one thing:                                   
That his efforts will bring                                 
Only nightmares, frustrations and pain.                     
                                                            
24041 DISEASE - MENTAL               Warrick Elrod            



There was a young fellow named Sid,                         
Who never did know what he did.                             
But each time he was done,                                  
He would say he had won,                                    
Which was really quite good for his id.                     
                                                            
24042 DISEASE - MENTAL               Warrick Elrod            



I knew a boy called Dave Kerr,                              
Who used to sit under the stair.                            
But now we're outside;                                      
There's no place to hide,                                   
Except for that hole over there.                            
                                                            
24043 DISEASE - MENTAL               Tim Ruddell              



My great uncle George is a bore;                            
Keeps a shotgun behind the door.                            
He's got this disease,                                      
Where he sees Chinese                                       
Coming in through the cracks in the floor.                  
                                                            
24044 DISEASE - MENTAL               Tony Burrell             



I'm facing the corner right now,                            
And just can't imagine quite how                            
I got here so quick                                         
My brain's feeling thick;                                   
Must come up with something somehow.                        
                                                            
24045 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



The last time I had this amnesia,                           
I woke up here, under the freesia.                          
My nerves, I am steeling,                                   
'Cause I have a feeling                                     
I may be the Queen of Rhodesia.                             
                                                            
24046 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



Hey, Bob, you are really a nut;                             
What you write, some would say is just smut,                
But I think it's great style,                               
If it brings me a smile,                                    
And it pulls out a laugh from my gut.                       
                                                            
24047 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



To call me a "nut" is a low one,                            
Sin not, those wild oats don't you sow one,                 
If you're on to my vice                                     
You might try to be nice,                                   
For it takes a real nut just to know one.                   
                                                            
24048 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



Young Polly, improving herself,                             
Read every book on the shelf.                               
And now, as you'd think,                                    
She's wise, rich and drinks,                                
And is sure she's a level four elf.                         
                                                            
24049 DISEASE - MENTAL               Anon                     



In order to study convicts right,                           
I drove my car through a red light.                         
I backed it up then...                                      
Again...and again.                                          
The jacket they gave me's too tight.                        
                                                            
24050 DISEASE - MENTAL               Irving Superior     P8911



There was a young lady of Lassen,                           
Who was raped by a loony assassin.                          
For an hour or two,                                         
He tried to unscrew,                                        
But he found he couldn't unfasten.                          
                                                            
24051 DISEASE - MENTAL                                   G0636



A fine line divides "mad" from "sane".                      
And people of art say the same.                             
That what to the eye                                        
Inspires a soft sigh,                                       
Can drive others to spit and complain.                      
                                                            
24052 DISEASE - MENTAL               Matthew Montchalin       



There once was an old man named Patrick,                    
Who claimed to have needs pediatric.                        
He got his best jollies                                     
From playing with dollies.                                  
Turns out his need was psychiatric.                         
                                                            
24053 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



There once was a girl named Rose                            
Who was always picking her nose.                            
While picking again                                         
She pulled out her brain,                                   
And thus her life came to a close.                          
                                                            
24054 DISEASE - MENTAL               Tjarda                   



There once was a woman named Rose,                          
Who was constantly picking her nose,                        
Till she poked at her brain,                                
And they went insane.                                       
But hey! That's just how it goes.                           
                                                            
24055 DISEASE - MENTAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Cologne;                           
To give good advice he was prone.                           
He could manage affairs                                     
Of his friends and confreres,                               
But he never could manage his own.                          
                                                            
24056 DISEASE - MENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-2507



There was a young man from Miami,                           
Whose friends all considered him balmy.                     
He dressed up in a sheet,                                   
And took to the street,                                     
And tells all his friends he's a swami.                     
                                                            
24057 DISEASE - MENTAL               Arthur Pattaffy          



The paranoid loves to say "we";                             
An alternative form to just "me".                           
Bombastic delusion                                          
Has formed an occlusion                                     
Twixt vocal cords, brain cells, and thee.                   
                                                            
24058 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



To be paranoid lacks the validity,                          
But the chances we're watched with rigidity                 
Are directly proportional                                   
To our postures contortional                                
In defending our actions' stupidity.                        
                                                            
24059 DISEASE - MENTAL               Hugh Clary               



Most animals should be loved and hugged,                    
Not clobbered on the head and mugged.                       
But I understand                                            
The paranoid man                                            
Who fears that his home has been bugged.                    
                                                            
24060 DISEASE - MENTAL               Guy Ben-Moshe            



I'm being spied on; I swear it's true;                      
My neighbor, my boss, my wife too.                          
I hide all alone;                                           
Watch old movies at home,                                   
Then Bogie says "Here's lookin' at you."                    
                                                            
24061 DISEASE - MENTAL               Tony Burrell             



There are spy planes up in the air,                         
Surveillance cameras over there.                            
Big B's watching me,                                        
Even when I pee.                                            
Everyone that I pass stops to stare.                        
                                                            
24062 DISEASE - MENTAL               Tony Burrell             



They say Love's a poetic idea;                              
Like Ono (with mato and poeia);                             
Like  squishes and spurts,                                  
And burbles and squirts;                                    
Like a river that flows diarrhea!                           
                                                            
24063 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



There once was a grandmother named Anne,                    
Who preferred to be known as a "Nan".                       
In her family tree                                          
There was insanity;                                         
She'd not like to be known as a "Gran."                     
                                                            
24064 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



If intercourse gives you thrombosis,                        
While continence cause neurosis,                            
I prefer to expire                                          
Fulfilling desire,                                          
Than live on in a state of psychosis.                       
                                                            
24065 DISEASE - MENTAL                                   G0203



There was a young widow named Paige,                        
Who was known for her terrible rage.                        
She blew her top one May day;                               
The police took her away,                                   
To spend a very long time in a cage.                        
                                                            
24066 DISEASE - MENTAL               Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a woman called Jane,                         
Who suddenly went quite insane.                             
She made several cracks                                     
In her head with an axe.                                    
And proceeded to scoop out her brain.                       
                                                            
24067 DISEASE - MENTAL               Anon                     



Although brains were not one of her merits,                 
She was the pride, and the joy, of her parents;             
'Til the day she went "mad"                                 
And they found that she had                                 
Raised up a "fine bunch of carrots."                        
                                                            
24068 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



Insanity they say, is a sign                                
Of madness in the family line.                              
Gran went mad the morn                                      
Of the day I was born,                                      
But so far I think that I'm fine.                           
                                                            
24069 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



There once was a fellow called Eames,                       
Who had spastic fits, so it seems.                          
In the midst of a fit                                       
His britches he'd shit,                                     
But sometimes to alter, he creams.                          
                                                            
24070 DISEASE - MENTAL               Lims For Year - 01       



When I practice to set myself free                          
From the stresses descended on me,                          
It comes quickly to naught                                  
I remain tense and taut,                                    
Ruminating retrospectively.                                 
                                                            
24071 DISEASE - MENTAL               Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



When my friend was asked if he                              
Suffers badly from insanity?                                
He thought for a while,                                     
Then said with a smile,                                     
"Oh no, I enjoy it, tee-hee!"                               
                                                            
24072 DISEASE - MENTAL               Gunjan                   



Innovative, I am, that is true;                             
Baby lookit!  My ego just grew!                             
I'm the resident whiz;                                      
That's the way that it is;                                  
So bend over, I'll innovate you!                            
                                                            
24073 DISEASE - MENTAL               Allen Wolverton          



Now at night my brain won't stop;                           
I dream in rhythmic glop.                                   
If not over soon,                                           
I'll become a loon,                                         
Finally pushed over the top                                 
                                                            
24074 DISEASE - MENTAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man who would preach,                     
With a keyboard just within reach,                          
While looking for fights                                    
Over Canada Charter Rights.                                 
(Perhaps too much sun on the beach?)                        
                                                            
24075 DISEASE - MENTAL               VOL 6                    



Old Fred, he was a complete loon,                           
Who howled a lot at the moon.                               
He gambols and frolics                                      
With mad alcoholics,                                        
And looks like a pregnant baboon.                           
                                                            
24076 DISEASE - MENTAL               Anon                     



A woman who's highly insane,                                
She often walked nude in the rain,                          
And her husband named Todd,                                 
Who was equally odd,                                        
Didn't care, and would never complain.                      
                                                            
24077 DISEASE - MENTAL               Cap'n Bean          P9912



Oh the voices are active tonight,                           
But what they are saying's not right.                       
"C'mon just go along!"                                      
"No, I won't cause it's wrong!"                             
"If I call for a vote?" "Then I might."                     
                                                            
24078 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



"It was seven to six in my fav-                             
or." Now, will you guys all behave?"                        
"Screw you! Let me free!"                                   
"I'm with him!" "Same with me."                             
"C'mon folks, lets go dig up a grave!"                      
                                                            
24079 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



This is not happ'ning to me.                                
The voices have all gotten free.                            
They're controlling my limbs.                               
Pursuing their whims.                                       
It's a full blown-out brain mutiny.                         
                                                            
24080 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



There was a young lady of Ealling                           
Who had an irrational feeling                               
That she was a fly;                                         
So she felt she should try                                  
To walk upside down on the ceiling.                         
                                                            
24081 DISEASE - MENTAL               Linda Marsh Coll         



In April one seldom feels cheerful;                         
Dry stones, sun and dust make me fearful;                   
Clairvoyantes distress me,                                  
Commuters depress me --                                     
Meet someone and give him an earful.                        
                                                            
24082 DISEASE - MENTAL               Wendy Cope               



The Thames runs, bones rattle, rats creep;                  
Tiresias fancies a peep --                                  
A typist is laid,                                           
A record is played --                                       
Wei la la.  After this it gets deep.                        
(Tiresias - ??)                                             
24083 DISEASE - MENTAL               Wendy Cope               



No water. Dry rocks and dry throats.                        
Then thunder, a shower of quotes                            
From the Sanskrit and Dante.                                
Da.  Damyata.  Shantih.                                     
I hope you'll make sense of the notes.                      
                                                            
24084 DISEASE - MENTAL               Wendy Cope               



There once was a man from Maine;                            
His head was always filled with pain.                       
"I wonder what's in it?"                                    
He thought for a minute.                                    
Now the man is insane!                                      
                                                            
24085 DISEASE - MENTAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



My teeth pick up radio, too.                                
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do!                             
Wrapped my head in foil                                     
In hopes it would spoil                                     
Reception by CIA's crew.                                    
                                                            
24086 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



They're still listening in, I can tell;                     
Just sniff the air - catch that smell?                      
Their transistors burn                                      
'Cause they hope to learn                                   
My personal password to Hell.                               
                                                            
24087 DISEASE - MENTAL                                        



A man went to the doctors one day;                          
Was told he had cancer, but hey,                            
"You won't regret it,                                       
For you will forget it.                                     
You also have Alzheimers, I'd say."                         
                                                            
24088 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Jim Weaver Collection    



Easter time is such fun, Seniors say                        
When they're done hiding bright eggs away.                  
After they're finished                                      
With brains so diminished,                                  
Listen for the bells in Santa's sleigh.                     
                                                            
24089 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Tom Patton          P9811



On in years by his own calculation,                         
Wilbur basks in profuse veneration.                         
As his natal day nears                                      
For his first hundred years,                                
He has planned a surprise celebration.                      
                                                            
24090 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  William Nesbit      P9811



A man with Alzheimer's Disease                              
Said, "Don't mind my hand, if you please.                   
It helps me remember                                        
My masculine gender,                                        
If I can reach down for a squeeze.                          
                                                            
24091 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Macsam                   



I think it was late in November,                            
Or maybe in early December,                                 
The Alzheimer's Center                                      
Had a party, pre-winter,                                    
That was billed An Affair to Remember.                      
                                                            
24092 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Hugh Clary               



"Alzheimer's? Ain't got it!" said Ben.                      
"I know who. I know where. I know when.                     
I know what I'm about.                                      
And without a damn doubt.                                   
I know...what was the question again?"                      
                                                            
24093 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Micheal Weinstein   P9607



I don't think I've gotten there yet,                        
'Though I unlikely to bet.                                  
I know I recall,                                            
Activities all,                                             
Except for the few I forget.                                
                                                            
24094 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Chris Papa               



I keep writing limericks cause I'm a                        
What's known as an elder old timer,                         
Whose old faculties                                         
May slowly decrease.                                        
Respectfully yours, Signed Al Zheimer.                      
                                                            
24095 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Irving Superior          



As the Alzheimer's takes its sad toll,                      
These lapses grow more and more droll.                      
"Dear Reverend," I write,                                   
"You convinced me last night                                
That sodomy's good for the soul... "                        
                                                            
24096 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS                           



An old codger with planning profound,                       
Hid eggs at the local playground.                           
He searched for two hours,                                  
In weeds, sand, and flowers;                                
To this day, the eggs haven't been found.                   
                                                            
24097 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Al Willis           P9811



I sure wish that something will grow,                       
Though seniors tend to be slow.                             
Let's hope sweet love hums,                                 
Ere Alzheimer's comes,                                      
So a maid can both enjoy and know.                          
                                                            
24098 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Chris Papa               



All the nursing home's old wisenheimers                     
Became glum in the grip of Alzheimer's.                     
Puzzled silence would fall                                  
When one tried to recall                                    
The next line of a favorite one-liner.                      
                                                            
24099 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Ethan Coen         P0202 



To keep dread Alzheimer's at bay,                           
There is only one very sure way:                            
Get Grandma to write                                        
A limerick bright                                           
At the start of each new dawning day.                       
                                                            
24100 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Chris Papa               



Two Alzheimer patients, the Glovers,                        
Said, snuggling up under the covers,                        
"Our crow's feet are crumpling,                             
But Sweet Sugar Dumpling,                                   
Forget not we're Valentine Lovers!                          
                                                            
24101 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Prof M-G                 



Said a very old lecher from Wotton,                         
"I'm afraid that my memory's rotten.                        
I'm quite sure I remember,                                  
How to ready my member.                                     
As to where it goes, I have forgotten."                     
                                                            
24102 DISEASE - MENTAL - ALZHEIMERS  Craig Gigol         P0202



There was a young person from Wells                         
Who often had very "blue" spells.                           
He would sometimes be found                                 
Sprawled in holes in the ground,                            
With a cadaver-like look that caused yells.                 
                                                            
24103 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Anon                     



The winds of change are blowing my way,                     
As alone in the world I do lay.                             
Against all my will,                                        
I'm feeling the chill;                                      
The sun has turned cold today.                              
                                                            
24104 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Sandman                  



I feel that I'm all lost at sea,                            
The waves keep crashing on me.                              
I need some light                                           
To shatter the night,                                       
For darkness is all that I see.                             
                                                            
24105 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Sandman                  



So depressed, full of sharp criticism;                      
Could it be just a low biorhythm?                           
Or is it El Nino                                            
That's making me low?                                       
Or excessive emission of gism?                              
                                                            
24106 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  jplea                    



Now I've come to a fork in the road;                        
No more can I carry this load.                              
A decision to make--                                        
Which path should I take;                                   
If only the right way was showed.                           
                                                            
24107 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Sandman                  



Life is but a strange illusion,                             
Full of false hope and delusion.                            
The only way to stay sane                                   
And avoid all the pain                                      
Is to live your whole life is seclusion.                    
                                                            
24108 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Sandman                  



Trying cures, none of them's got to me,                     
Even courses in phlebotomy.                                 
So desperately ill,                                         
I've plugged in the drill;                                  
Going to try for full frontal lobotomy.                     
                                                            
24109 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  jplea                    



A mental disorder: Depression                               
Quenches fun, excitement and passion.                       
It makes one feel blue                                      
And downhearted too,                                        
Until you've had more than your ration.                     
                                                            
24110 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Jim Weaver Collection    



Now what can you do about this                              
To return to a state more like bliss.                       
You can do the reverse                                      
Of what makes you worse,                                    
And give all the downers a miss.                            
                                                            
24111 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Jim Weaver Collection    



If you're eating too little, eat more.                      
If you're lazy, then run till you're sore.                  
Turn off the TV;                                            
Get out and you'll see                                      
That you're rich when you thought you were poor.            
                                                            
24112 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION                           



There was an old man of Mongolia                            
Who suffered from strange melancholia.                      
His penis turned blue,                                      
His testicles too,                                          
And his asshole produced a magnolia.                        
                                                            
24113 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Albin Chaplin       G1692



Dan was a manic depressive                                  
Whose mood swings were wildly excessive.                    
After a bit of calm,                                        
He'd explode like a bomb,                                   
And display the side that's aggressive.                     
                                                            
24114 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Edwin J Weinstein        



Dan dosed on pills best not renamed.                        
"He's cured," the doctor exclaimed.                         
But now he's so docile,                                     
He looks like a fossil.                                     
His aggressive side has been tamed.                         
                                                            
24115 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Edwin J Weinstein        



Bipolar affective disorder                                  
Is an excuse that just won't hold water.                    
And as your moods swing,                                    
Though you sob and you sing,                                
You must curse you great-grandfather's daughter.            
(Hereditary)                                                
24116 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  P Chernoff               



In April one seldom feels cheerful;                         
Dry stones, sun and dust make me fearful;                   
Clairvoyants distress me,                                   
Commuters depress me,                                       
Met Stetson and gave him an earful.                         
                                                            
24117 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Wendy Cope          P0303



His muse long ago began to fade                             
In a drowning depressing charade.                           
More than he could abide                                    
Was the relentless tide                                     
Of incessant rains on his parade.                           
                                                            
24118 DISEASE - MENTAL - DEPRESSION  Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



Okay, sometimes I go a bit wonky,                           
But that's 'cause I am a bit bonky.                         
But they're all very nice                                   
And don't criticise;                                        
We drink beer and all go a bit zonky!                       
                                                            
24119 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



I'm agoraphobic, no doubt.                                  
I feel ill thinking of going out.                           
Not out for a week,                                         
Some say I'm a freak;                                       
Others call me an idle lay-about.                           
                                                            
24120 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



The truth is It Just Doesn't Matter;                        
We're here to enjoy and grow fatter                         
But, pea in a pod?                                          
Well, yes, you are odd.                                     
We're all quite as mad as the Hatter!                       
                                                            
24121 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



My mental condition?  Insane!                               
But I'm young, tan, and buff!  (in my brain)                
For my age you will find                                    
That it's all in my mind.                                   
Young?  Middle-aged?  Old?  Sad refrain.                    
                                                            
24122 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



This morning I woke up crazy,                               
Which is odd because I am lazy.                             
I looked at the clock,                                      
I pulled out my cock,                                       
I can't tell anymore, it's all hazy.                        
                                                            
24123 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Jim Weaver Collection    



A recluse of DuBois, Pennsylvania,                          
Has developed a positive mania                              
For shoemaker's awls,                                       
And pawnbrokers balls,                                      
And other symbolic extrania.                                
                                                            
24124 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Keith MacMillan     A102A



If a girl looks at sex with disdain,                        
And from fucking does wish to abstain,                      
The doctor does not                                         
Look for woes in her twat,                                  
He knows he must check out her brain.                       
                                                            
24125 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Al Chaplin          P9410



Young claustrophobe Jenny shuns houses,                     
And also bras, panties and blouses.                         
And, for a small fee,                                       
I'll let you come see                                       
Her, out in the field where the cows is.                    
                                                            
24126 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



So lovely she looks as she drowses,                         
'Twould fair charm the birds from the boughses;             
The breeze through the trees,                               
Her nipples doth tease;                                     
I see lad, your interest arouses.                           
                                                            
24127 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



I'm sure that you'll soon shed your trouses,                
On spotting that hole where no mouse is,                    
But hurry, be quick,                                        
If you value your dick,                                     
Or dad's shotgun, passion soon douses.                      
                                                            
24128 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



For though she enjoys these carouses,                       
With voice just like Alison Crowse's,                       
She squeals, warbles, cheers,                               
Then Daddy appears,                                         
Insisting on marital vowses.                                
                                                            
24129 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



And soon, with no whats, whys or howses,                    
You'll hear, not a waltz by the Strausses,                  
But Offenbach's march,                                      
As you step through the arch                                
To the church, and a lifetime of grouses.                   
                                                            
24130 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



These double-type plurals are shocking?                     
Be careful, before you start knocking.                      
At my mother's knee,                                        
She spoke thus to me.                                       
So quit, that's my mom you are mocking.                     
                                                            
24131 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



There was a man from Manitoba,                              
Who said, "I have got claustrophoba.                        
When in a small room,                                       
I'm so filled up with gloom;                                
For my case, I'm afraid there's no hoba."                   
                                                            
24132 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Jim Weaver Collection    



A horny guy by the name of Sean                             
Had a brain that was partially gone.                        
He was so squirrelly,                                       
He would get up early,                                      
So he could fuck the crack of dawn.                         
                                                            
24133 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Tom Patton          P0204



"As the spectre of AIDS ought to sober you,                 
Don't let any bastard disrobe you,"                         
Exclaimed the exwhore.                                      
Still some sisters deplore                                  
Such obstinate eratophobia.          (fear of sexual love)  
                                                            
24134 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    A. N. Wilkins P0109 P8801



A perverted young fellow from Crete                         
Had a very strong fetish for feet.                          
The sucking of toes                                         
Gave him orgasmic throes,                                   
Causing sperm to shoot forth from his meat.                 
                                                            
24135 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Jeeves             TP9802



The trouble with sweet little Alice is                      
She suffers from sexual paralysis.                          
She maintains, with rigidity,                               
Her endless frigidity,                                      
Notwithstanding long psychoanalysis.                        
                                                            
24136 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Isaac Asimov             



Neurotic was old lady Mills,                                
Dependent on nostrums and pills.                            
They were not injurious                                     
For the whole lot was spurious,                             
But so was her gamut of ills.                               
                                                            
24137 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Albin Chaplin   3024-2707



There once was a lady named Iris,                           
Who caught one hell of a virus.                             
Although she's not dead,                                    
She's fogged in the head,                                   
And listens to Billy Ray Cyrus.                             
                                                            
24138 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Iris Mason               



Some people say I am a loon,                                
And it's tied in with the state of the moon.                
But I'm willing to bet,                                     
That I'm not that mad yet;                                  
Maybe I will this afternoon.                                
                                                            
24139 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS                             



I seem to have lost rationality,                            
While wondering about mortality.                            
So please be kind                                           
To my mixed up mind,                                        
And bring me back to reality.                               
                                                            
24140 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Peter Derr               



Job's comforters now are emphatic                           
That his illnesses, whether rheumatic,                      
Sclerotic, arthritic,                                       
Myopic, paralytic;                                          
Were quite simply, psychosomatic.                           
                                                            
24141 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Jim Weaver Collection    



To love her, he just was not able,                          
For he found her to be quite unstable.                      
Her faulty ingredient                                       
Made their parting expedient --                             
Too bad girls don't come with a label!                      
                                                            
24142 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Cyberpriestess      T9801



Food fanatic, gaunt Alice McNuss,                           
At green vegetables would rail and fuss.                    
'Til her analyst, Krom,                                     
Found that Alice's mom                                      
Was once stalked by wild asparagus.                         
(apologies to Euell Gibbons)                                
24143 DISEASE - MENTAL - NEUROSIS    Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



A split personality, Fitz,                                  
One half of each bill he remits.                            
Drives midway down streets.                                 
Split peas mostly eats.                                     
Licks only the space between tits.                          
                                                            
24144 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Irving Superior     P9201



This split personality, Fitz,                               
Through Jeckyl/Hyde films nightly sits.                     
Plays tennis alone.                                         
Thinks he's half his clone.                                 
Is thankful all women have slits.                           
                                                            
24145 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Irving Superior     P9201



This split personality, Fitz,                               
Now dates schizophrenic, Ms. Ritz.                          
Each weekend the four                                       
Will inter-adore                                            
Until at least two of them quits.                           
                                                            
24146 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Irving Superior     P9201



Poor Ralph was fast losing his sanity,                      
And was diagnosed split personality.                        
When his doctor said "Ralph,                                
Can you live with yorself?"                                 
He said "Yes, but not in reality!"                          
                                                            
24147 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Graham Lester            



There was a poor lass named Eugenia                         
Who suffered from rank schizophrenia.                       
She thought she was God                                     
Or eaqually odd,                                            
At times just a rock or gardenia.                           
                                                            
24148 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Armand E Singer       265



A schizo named Jeckel and Hyde                              
Drives mornings to work side by side;                       
They admit, "We have trouble,                               
Knowing, since we are double,                               
Which one goes along for the ride."                         
                                                            
24149 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Armand E Singer       725



Thought a poor schizophrenic named Doane                    
As he lay on a couch, cold and prone,                       
"I am not overjoyed                                         
With my shrink, Sigmund Freud,                              
But at least I don't feel I'm alone."                       
                                                            
24150 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Armand E Singer       106



A gent who was called Floyd and Lloyd,                      
With himself became very annoyed.                           
Cried one to the other,                                     
"You're schizoid!"  Said mother,                            
Now thats four of our lives you've destroyed!"              
                                                            
24151 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Jim Weaver Collection    



A young schizophrenic named Struther,                       
When told of the death of his mother,                       
Said, "Yes, it's too bad,                                   
But I can't feel too sad,                                   
After all, I still have each other."                        
                                                            
24152 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Anon                P9412



A reality challenged chap, Struther,                        
With illogical thought patterns and other                   
Delusions withdrew                                          
From the world that he knew                                 
When he learned of the demise of his mother.                
                                                            
24153 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Arthur Deex         P9412



A Schizo, a "bi" high-brow nut                              
Propositioned himself (the old slut).                       
Then felt such disgrace                                     
That he slapped her own face                                
And kicked himself right in the butt.                       
                                                            
24154 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Theo Heller         P9201



As a shrink, I am often bemused                             
With ideas of schizoids confused.                           
It ain't personalities two;                                 
I'll explain it to you:                                     
It's an illness that won't leave you amused.                
                                                            
24155 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



Its beginnings are subtle and benign,                       
But soon there begins a decline                             
Into a world of madness,                                    
Tinged with some sadness,                                   
Although victims will claim to be fine.                     
                                                            
24156 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



Next come threatening inner voices;                         
Commands that give you no choices.                          
Paranoia is the rule.                                       
It really ain't cool,                                       
When no one else can hear the same noises.                  
                                                            
24157 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



It's a frightening world, you see,                          
When they start to talk of you on TV.                       
Say, what is the deal?                                      
This all seems so real;                                     
How can they do all this to me?                             
                                                            
24158 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



At last, it all is too much,                                
With all the psychosis and such.                            
Voices are a din;                                           
So, its off to the "bin"!                                   
Reality! I need get in touch.                               
                                                            
24159 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



At hospital, they give pills of some hues,                  
Usually, the reds, whites, and blues.                       
The sides-effects are bad;                                  
That really is sad.                                         
But the madness begins to defuse.                           
                                                            
24160 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



Soon it's back to reality again.                            
It is nice to feel more sane.                               
Delusions are less,                                         
I'm pleased to confess,                                     
But the drug effects are a pain.                            
                                                            
24161 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



Now the future looks bright,                                
They say I'll soon be all right.                            
He feels quite sure                                         
That they'll find a cure,                                   
With many new drugs in sight.                               
                                                            
24162 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Larry                    



Instead of just giving them drugs,                          
And confronting their pain with deaf shrugs,                
Get them to speak                                           
And learn what they seek;                                   
Psychiatrists should not act like thugs.                    
                                                            
24163 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Bobbob                   



Your patients each have their own tale;                     
That's why most psychotropes fail.                          
Each patient's own story                                    
Be it pleasant or gory,                                     
Can help them get hearty and hale.                          
                                                            
24164 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Bobbob                   



Schizophrenia is not a disgrace;                            
In fact it's not uncommonplace.                             
When the starting gun sounds                                
Run in great leaps and bounds,                              
Beat yourself in the great human race.                      
                                                            
24165 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow with a twin ego state                              
Was unable to others relate.                                
But he saved his phone dime                                 
And oodles of time,                                         
Jawing with his alternative mate.                           
                                                            
24166 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Edwin J Weinstein        



I don't mean to sound like a twit;                          
But that explanation won't fit                              
Schizophrenia,                                              
Which doesn't mean a                                        
Disturbed personality, split.                               
                                                            
24167 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Jim Weaver Collection    



Schizophrenia beats eating alone;                           
It's better than having a clone.                            
But if the fois gras                                        
Leads to tangy patois,                                      
Then don't share your pone or your scone.                   
                                                            
24168 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Ystap                    



A true schizophrenic named Struther                         
Refused to admit that his mother                            
For months had been dead                                    
(Namely nine) but he said,                                  
"It's high time we wedded each other!"                      
                                                            
24169 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Aaron Bell          P9605



A guy I once knew was possessed                             
With three guys who'd appear on request.                    
Rex, sexy but dumb;                                         
Guido mean; Hector glum.                                    
But Rex in the bed was the best!                            
                                                            
24170 DISEASE - MENTAL - SCHIZOID    Annie Jay                



These people on couches can be                              
Beset by bats in their belfry.                              
And the doctors they tell                                   
Of their nightmares in Hell                                 
Are as bats as the patients they see.                       
                                                            
24171 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Warrick Elrod            



An extrovert gal in Madrid                                  
Kept publicly flipping her lid;                             
He was warned by her shrink,                                
She'd end up in the clink                                   
If her Ego succumbed to her Id.                             
                                                            
24172 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Evelyn Bogen        P9408



Said a middle-aged man, "God Almightly!                     
I'm dying of 'tedium vitae',                                
And the only thing sure                                     
To accomplish my cure,                                      
Is a girl in a Phillipine nightie."                         
                                                            
24173 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT                       G2239



And where do you think Crazy Alice is --                    
The girl who has dreams of green phalluses?                 
Where else do you think?                                    
She's found a good shrink,                                  
And Alice is now in analysis.                               
                                                            
24174 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Norm Storer         P9806



In misleading the guards, you did well,                     
But your freedom is short, I can tell.                      
Under way's the search party                                
Led by nuthouse nurse Marty;                                
Soon you're back in your soft padded cell                   
                                                            
24175 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT                            



The pill I am on doesn't work,                              
As I am still a number one jerk.                            
But the doctors agree                                       
That there's no help for me,                                
But insanity for me is a perk.                              
                                                            
24176 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT                            



OK...so you look a bit daft,                                
And your nether bits suffer from draught;                   
And the doctors suggest                                     
An asylum for rest,                                         
But then suffering's part of the craft.                     
                                                            
24177 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT                            



I told you about my condition,                              
My brain's been put out of commission.                      
But just what I need                                        
Is a ride on your steed,                                    
To end this brain decomposition.                            
                                                            
24178 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Carol                    



I thought I'd share this observation:                       
All women require stimulation!                              
If they don't get a lay                                     
At least every third day,                                   
Their brain begins atrophication!                           
                                                            
24179 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Joe Long                 



Young Mary in mode experimental,                            
Covered herself with stuff excremental.                     
She then rubbed her clit                                    
With a dried piece of shit,                                 
And is now in the hospital, mental.                         
                                                            
24180 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Irving Schlobotkovitz    



I've had many patients like her                             
Who've covered themselves in manure.                        
They don't mind the smell                                   
But it sure gives us hell --                                
And for them, I don't think there's a cure.                 
                                                            
24181 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Kaylin Brandon           



A picnic, believe me, it ain't,                             
To put them in four-point restraint.                        
You can't get a good grip,                                  
It makes your hand slip --                                  
You wind up wearing some of their paint.                    
                                                            
24182 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Kaylin Brandon           



I'm afraid that's just one more small curse,                
In the life of an old psycho nurse.                         
Give them more Thorazine --                                 
(I think they need more -- azine)                           
But that's more than enough of this verse.                  
                                                            
24183 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Kaylin Brandon           



I can see that you have not changed;                        
You dirty old man, you're deranged!                         
There's only one cure                                       
That I know of for sure;                                    
I'll see that your treatment's arranged.                    
                                                            
24184 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Cheryl                   



In my bag I've got strong iodine                            
And some fresh tar that's smelling real fine;               
Codliver oil,                                               
Alumnum foil,                                               
And quills from a rabid porcupine.                          
                                                            
24185 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Cheryl                   



Just imagine what the cure holds in store;                  
It's a night like none other before!                        
When it's all through,                                      
One thing you won't do --                                   
Is get an erection no more!                                 
                                                            
24186 DISEASE - MENTAL - TREATMENT   Cheryl                   



An unfortunate fellow named Hugh                            
Had hemorrhoids that reached to his shoe.                   
He sat in despair                                           
On a cane-bottomed chair                                    
And snipped off each one that hung through.                 
                                                            
24187 DISEASE - ROIDS                Bob Giandomenico    P9107



He travelled for 200 miles,                                 
To find a cure for his giant piles;                         
Along they did drag,                                        
(Wouldn't fit in a bag),                                    
Though their sight caused much laughter and smiles.         
                                                            
24188 DISEASE - ROIDS                Jim Weaver Collection    



It's not fun being sick with colitis,                       
It's sort of a gut dermatitis.                              
The form ulcerative                                         
Is quite demonstrative.                                     
I'd rather have bad gingivitis.                             
                                                            
24189 DISEASE - ROIDS                Bob Phillips             



There was a poor patient named Titus,                       
Afflicted with painful phlebitis,                           
In addition to which                                        
As he often would bitch,                                    
Most all of his craps caused colitis.                       
                                                            
24190 DISEASE - ROIDS                Armand E Singer       488



A certain quack surgeon named Hayman,                       
Who learned most his trade from a shaman,                   
Used the roughest of files                                  
On a patient with piles --                                  
Which doesn't impress a mere layman.                        
                                                            
24191 DISEASE - ROIDS                Armand E Singer       262



There was a young man in Monette                            
Who went out with a dainty soubrette.                       
He spent the whole night                                    
Up her ass, which was tight--                               
His doctor makes calls on him yet.                          
(soubrette - frivolous young woman)                         
24192 DISEASE - ROIDS                                    G1016



There was a young girl from Vistula,                        
To whom a friend said, "Jeff has kissed you, la!"           
Said she, "Yes, by God!                                     
But my arse he can't sod,                                   
Because I am troubled with fistula."                        
(published 1879)                                            
24193 DISEASE - ROIDS                                    L1618



There once was a fellow named Floyd                         
Who had an inflamed hemorrhoid,                             
Which when fully blown                                      
Was hard as a stone,                                        
And many a phallus destroyed.                               
                                                            
24194 DISEASE - ROIDS                Phil T                   



Those hemorrhoids can be so cruel.                          
I don't mean to talk out of school.                         
A tough piece of shit,                                      
Not a place to sit,                                         
The cause is a hard piece of stool.                         
                                                            
24195 DISEASE - ROIDS                Tom Myers                



A stingy old man of St. Giles,                              
Saved his shillings with miserly wiles.                     
Just to save a few bob,                                     
He would wipe with a cob,                                   
And that way he got piles and piles.                        
                                                            
24196 DISEASE - ROIDS                                    L1683



A professor who taught at Holyoke,                          
Had a bung like a ripe artichoke.                           
She was greatly annoyed                                     
That each hemmorrhoid,                                      
Always quivered whenever she spoke.                         
                                                            
24197 DISEASE - ROIDS                                    L0705



All this talk of the hemorrhoid?                            
An affliction I'd rather avoid!                             
An itchy but                                                
While I'm busting a nut,                                    
Would really get me annoyed.                                
                                                            
24198 DISEASE - ROIDS                Dave                     



A queer fellow went bumming at Lloyd's,                     
But now all his friends he avoids.                          
As a gay homosexual                                         
He was most ineffectual,                                    
And is now nursing wet hemorrhoids.                         
                                                            
24199 DISEASE - ROIDS                Grand Prix Lim  419 G0998



Boyd became very annoyed;                                   
He thought his young lover deployed,                        
By way of insertion,                                        
Without much exertion,                                      
A sex toy -- but 'twas only a 'rhoid.                       
                                                            
24200 DISEASE - ROIDS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Though Ann was a victim of piles,                           
She met penetrations with smiles,                           
For all of her tush                                         
Was covered in bush,                                        
Where you could redeem your Hair Miles.                     
                                                            
24201 DISEASE - ROIDS                Anon                     



The Honorable Judge Boyd's                                  
Ass was full of hemorrhoids.                                
Too bad, 'cause he's gay,                                   
So he, needless to say,                                     
Got no compensation from Lloyd's.                           
                                                            
24202 DISEASE - ROIDS                Mr Blister               



This story is really the pits;                              
This talk of roids where one sits.                          
But I have no doubt                                         
That I too would shout                                      
If I had both the roids and the shits.                      
                                                            
24203 DISEASE - ROIDS                Staroak                  



There is an old fellow named Giles                          
Who suffers from pendulous piles                            
So he hangs from his belt                                   
A small pouch made of felt                                  
And now he is nothing but smiles.                           
                                                            
24204 DISEASE - ROIDS                                         



An unfortunate teen named Giles,                            
Was badly afflicted with piles.                             
The doc gave him an ointment,                               
A sad disappointment,                                       
The girls smelled him coming for miles.                     
                                                            
24205 DISEASE - ROIDS                                    L1393



This has been a quick education,                            
'Cause I've had this itching sensation                      
Inside my ass.                                              
I'm told it will pass                                       
If I use this H preparation.                                
                                                            
24206 DISEASE - ROIDS                Frank Fazed              



A young physicist working for Myles                         
Left a couple of lead-covered vials                         
On the seat of his chair.                                   
When he got up from there                                   
He had an-atomic-al piles.                                  
                                                            
24207 DISEASE - ROIDS                John Ciardi              



From the depths of the crypt at St. Lloyd's                 
Came a scream even heard on asteroids.                      
Said the vicar, "Oh, Man!                                   
Could it be Billy Graham                                    
Has forgotten the Bishop has hemorrhoids?"                  
                                                            
24208 DISEASE - ROIDS                Arthur Deex         P0010



There was an old man from the Isles,                        
Who suffered severely from piles.                           
He couldn't sit down                                        
Without a deep frown,                                       
So he had to row standing for miles.                        
                                                            
24209 DISEASE - ROIDS                                    G1446



Hemorrhoids don't provoke any smiles,                       
Even using the alias piles.                                 
They're a pain in the ass                                   
When you're passing gas,                                    
And your screaming can shatter the tiles.                   
                                                            
24210 DISEASE - ROIDS                Staroak                  



There once was a funny masked stranger                      
Who looked like a man called "Lone Ranger."                 
He'd been sitting, of course,                               
Too long on his horse,                                      
And his bottom was signaling "danger".                      
                                                            
24211 DISEASE - ROIDS                Edwin J Weinstein        



I'll tell you about Norma Styles,                           
The richest bitch 'round here for miles.                    
She's know as the queen                                     
Of the haemorrhoid cream...                                 
And now, lads, she's sitting on piles.                      
                                                            
24212 DISEASE - ROIDS                Tiddy Ogg                



In her ads for that cream, she was sly;                     
"It's the truth -- cross my heart -- hope to die;           
Put Prep H on in gobs,                                      
Swab it on where it throbs,                                 
And then, kiss your haemorrhoids goodbye!                   
                                                            
24213 DISEASE - ROIDS                Allen Wolverton          



My dear, you're the sweetest for miles;                     
I see you, my face wreathes in smiles.                      
The touch of your hand                                      
Makes me feel rather grand...                               
Come, smooth soothing cream on my piles.                    
                                                            
24214 DISEASE - ROIDS                                         



If hemmorrhoids make you feel glum,                         
And they itch when you're trying to come,                   
The discomfort will pass                                    
By spreading your ass,                                      
And stuffing them back with your thumb.                     
                                                            
24215 DISEASE - ROIDS                PeterW                   



The advice that you give is quite fair.                     
I've seen big hemmorrhoids, I declare!                      
It can be quite nice,                                       
If you pack them in ice,                                    
Then let someone else stuff them up there.                  
                                                            
24216 DISEASE - ROIDS                Cheryl                   



When you have them, it's surely no joke,                    
But they are more fun to poke.                              
There's really no doubt,                                    
'Cause they slide in and out,                               
Which makes for a much longer stroke.                       
                                                            
24217 DISEASE - ROIDS                MrMalo                   



There once was an old cherry saver,                         
Whose ass had a wonderful flavor.                           
Men queued up for miles                                     
For a taste of her piles,                                   
Which really were something to savour.                      
                                                            
24218 DISEASE - ROIDS                Anon                     



A young engineer named Dalrymple,                           
Resolved all his problems so simple.                        
When the facts were all read,                               
He brought them to a head,                                  
And he squeezed them all out like a pimple.                 
                                                            
24219 DISEASE - SKIN                 Albin Chaplin            



There was a poor woman named Hackney,                       
Who suffered from terminal acne:                            
Huge zits on her nose,                                      
On titties, on toes,                                        
And up her posterior crackney.                              
                                                            
24220 DISEASE - SKIN                 Armand E Singer       679



A lonely young lass named Louise                            
Could surely attract men with ease,                         
Except for the presence                                     
In her adolescence                                          
Of zits from her tits to her knees.                         
                                                            
24221 DISEASE - SKIN                 Rmac                     



Simon had a very big pimple;                                
His mom said, "Hold still, this is simple."                 
But a dimple he feared                                      
If the pimple she speared,                                  
So he fled in a manner quite nimple.                        
                                                            
24222 DISEASE - SKIN                 Anon                     



"Is that boil on the end of his dick?",                     
In the nudist camp, Jean said to Mick.                      
"Now Mick, that appalls!"                                   
"No Jean, that is called                                    
Arthur, the useless fat prick."                             
                                                            
24223 DISEASE - SKIN                 Tiddy                    



A girl had a problem quite pressing,                        
Boils on her ass, how depressing.                           
As I ate her, they burst,                                   
And the thought I had first,                                
Was Kraft's Blue Cheese Salad Dressing.                     
                                                            
24224 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



A dumb whore all covered in boils                           
Got from her doctor some oils,                              
That when rubbed upon her                                   
Made her moan in grandeur;                                  
She comes in delight as he toils.                           
                                                            
24225 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



Rubbing those oils in her snatch                            
Where most of the boils were attached                       
They most needed lanced                                     
So the doctor depantsed                                     
And his prosthetic penis detached                           
                                                            
24226 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



"Where the hell's your REAL prick?"                         
He replied, "I lost my true dick                            
On a patient like you,                                      
When I offered to                                           
Lance her boils and my dick fell off quick."                
                                                            
24227 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



"Why, then, take it off?" she did scoff.                    
He said, "'Cause you need a good boff --                    
And if you think I'm stickin'                               
My best plastic dick in                                     
That cess pool, you've got to be off!"                      
                                                            
24228 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



"I'm gonna get out my steel root                            
To get those boils off your coot.                           
See here, it's all prickly                                  
Like a porcupine, stickly,                                  
These barbs will clean out your whole chute!"               
                                                            
24229 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



Said Susie, "I sure hope this junk'll                       
Get rid of this horrid carbuncle                            
Right here on my twat,                                      
Which I'll betcha I got                                     
From either my dad or my uncle.                             
                                                            
24230 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



That CINGULAR rash, if you please,                          
Presumes a recurrent disease:                               
Old chickenpox, mister,                                     
Or "shingles" that blister,                                 
With pain that sends you to your knees.                     
                                                            
24231 DISEASE - SKIN                 Chris Papa               



My girlfriend, a buxom young lass,                          
Lay happily back on the grass:                              
"It's such a nice treat                                     
To be off my feet--                                         
Thank God I've no corns on my ass!"                         
                                                            
24232 DISEASE - SKIN                 Norm Storer              



It's said. "Life, like a river, does flow."                 
And days, like quicksilver, do go.                          
And though I should be hopping                              
Up, grocery shopping,                                       
I just wanted to pop in, you know.                          
                                                            
24233 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



I'd run to your house in a dash,                            
And take off my shirt in a flash.                           
Put on my best teddy,                                       
And give you some heady,                                    
If you have some cream for this rash.                       
                                                            
24234 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



There once was a hacker named Cyrus,                        
Who developed a cytomegalovirus.                            
To the dermis it seems                                      
Skin dropped off in reams,                                  
In layers as thin as papyrus!                               
                                                            
24235 DISEASE - SKIN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The American public is rough                                
On those who do scatter dandrufff.                          
Why it's a stigma                                           
Remains an enigma,                                          
On a par with the dipping of snuff.                         
                                                            
24236 DISEASE - SKIN                 Timothy Torkildson       



There once was a lass with a rash                           
Which circled her head like a sash.                         
When she tried to erase                                     
The rash from her face,                                     
The doc said he needed more cash.                           
                                                            
24237 DISEASE - SKIN                 Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a man from the jungle                             
Whose life was a complete bungle.                           
He cried all the time,                                      
Without reason or rhyme,                                    
Because his feet were all fungal.                           
                                                            
24238 DISEASE - SKIN                 Emily Kocubinski         



There once was an ugly old witch                            
Who denied that she looked like a bitch.                    
But she caught a disease                                    
From a band of young fleas                                  
And expired of the galloping itch.                          
                                                            
24239 DISEASE - SKIN                 Norm Storer              



There was a bald fellow named Ben                           
With a lump on his head, called a wen.                      
But from its shape and its size,                            
You tried not to surmise                                    
That it wasn't laid there by a hen.                         
                                                            
24240 DISEASE - SKIN                 Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a young lady from Michigan                        
Whose butt had just begun to itch again;                    
Bought a cream with some cash,                              
But it just made a rash,                                    
And which caused her husband to bitch again.                
                                                            
24241 DISEASE - SKIN                 Bee54jay                 



I had to go see the doc's,                                  
As I thought I'd got chicken pox.                           
But it was the freckles I had;                              
I've had since I was a lad,                                 
And my sister'd been joining the dots.                      
                                                            
24242 DISEASE - SKIN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a strange man from LeGrange,                      
Whose pubic hair had the mange.                             
The roots fell out,                                         
And his dick got the gout,                                  
And his balls turned into blancmange.                       
(blancmange - sweet milk dessert)                           
24243 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



There was a young man from Tibet                            
And over each zit he would fret.                            
Every promise of cure                                       
With ads of allure,                                         
Kept him for sure in great debt.                            
                                                            
24244 DISEASE - SKIN                 Edwin J Weinstein        



A zit!  Oh my God, It's a zit!                              
And it's bloody enormous!  Oh shit!                         
On the end of my nose;                                      
It's revolting!  Suppose                                    
I just give a small squeeze to it?                          
                                                            
24245 DISEASE - SKIN                 Peter Wilkins            



The answer my friend is quite simple;                       
To quote from my good friend Dalrymple,                     
"You must understand                                        
Not all things are planned."                                
That's why you should not squeeze a pimple.                 
                                                            
24246 DISEASE - SKIN                 Puff Adder               



Neil Down and his boy-toy Ben Dover                         
Were out rollin' round in the clover.                       
As they romped 'neath the trees                             
They grew itchy, you see;                                   
Poison ivy was out all over.                                
                                                            
24247 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



It was just a par for the course;                           
They both quickly noticed the source.                       
And as they grew itchy,                                     
'Stead of growin' bitchy,                                   
Said "You scratch my crack, I'll scratch yours."            
                                                            
24248 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



He sat on his bed's edge nightly,                           
Gripping with his fingers tightly.                          
Many times he'd pop;                                        
Discharge did not stop,                                     
As he squeezed the pimples unsightly!                       
                                                            
24249 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



The heartbreak disease called psoriasis                     
Will inspire you to ask, "Oh, God, why izzis?"              
I flake and I peel                                          
And my skin looks unreal;                                   
Blind dates say, "What kind of a guy izzis?"                
                                                            
24250 DISEASE - SKIN                 Robin K. Willoughby P8512



The street whore's low ways scarred her babies;             
The first two came foaming with rabies.                     
Crack addled the brothers;                                  
Smack feebled the others;                                   
The last four were encrusted with scabies.                  
                                                            
24251 DISEASE - SKIN                 Bruce Thompson           



I said to my big sister Isis,                               
"Those blotches are really no crisis.                       
For though they are bumpy,                                  
Red, scaly and lumpy,                                       
You still are a sight for psoriasis."                       
                                                            
24252 DISEASE - SKIN                 Keith Gilman        P0109



There was a young man of Berlin,                            
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin.                     
But he said with much pride,                                
"Though deprived of my hide,                                
I can still enjoy a put in."                                
                                                            
24253 DISEASE - SKIN                                     L1084



This whore from the town of Biarritz                        
Said, "I'm sporting a pair of great zits."                  
"Well, sit on my knees;                                     
Lets give them a squeeze."                                  
(He thought she said "two great big tits.")                 
                                                            
24254 DISEASE - SKIN                 Al Willis           T9711



There was a young man from Melrose                          
Who had a large thing on his nose.                          
One on his back,                                            
And three in his sack,                                      
And four between each of his toes.                          
                                                            
24255 DISEASE - SKIN                 Michael Palin            



A lady in Port Birkenhead                                   
Was treating her skin, rough and red;                       
Applied lanolin                                             
From her ankles to chin                                     
And kept slipping out of the bed.                           
                                                            
24256 DISEASE - SKIN                 VOL 6                    



A thin hairy man from Belize                                
Got some strange-looking spots on his knees.                
They spread to his thumb,                                   
Then all of his bum.                                        
Look out! -- He's got a disease!                            
                                                            
24257 DISEASE - SKIN                 Spike Mulligan           



I've got something to fix your wagon,                       
Since burnt skin means no chance of shaggin'.               
I'll break out the lotion                                   
And rub with devotion,                                      
But first please puff my magic dragon.                      
                                                            
24258 DISEASE - SKIN                                          



You'd think that by now, I would know                       
To use some sunscreen when I go                             
Outside in the sun.                                         
Now I'm overdone                                            
And puffy with a beet red glow.                             
                                                            
24259 DISEASE - SKIN                 Carol                    



Sex on the beach can be fun,                                
Making love in the noonday sun.                             
But if you eschew                                           
SPF 22,                                                     
You'll  wind up with a sunburnt bun.                        
(SPF - sun protection factor, measure of sunscreens)        
24260 DISEASE - SKIN                 Dreamarill               



A sultan who lived in St. Ives                              
Had a terrible case of the hives.                           
He said, "All this itching                                  
Comes from nagging and bitching,                            
And marrying too many wives."                               
                                                            
24261 DISEASE - SKIN                 Clements & Wilson   P9803



A bragging old seaman named Mitch,                          
Could diddle a lass in a stitch,                            
'Til one diddled him better                                 
And now he'll regret her,                                   
For Mitch has a curious itch.                               
                                                            
24262 DISEASE - VD                   Garold Amadon            



My girl has a venereal disease;                             
I must say that I am not pleased.                           
My dick has turned green.                                   
My balls are like beans;                                    
And what's more: it has killed all my trees.                
                                                            
24263 DISEASE - VD                   Puff Adder               



I asked her to see a physician,                             
To get rid of the smelly emission,                          
Which got on the rugs                                       
And killed all the bugs.                                    
It's as bad as a nuclear fission.                           
                                                            
24264 DISEASE - VD                   Puff Adder               



To ease her mind, we went to a dance;                       
But people were looking askance.                            
It wasn't the whirl                                         
Or the way that we twirl,                                   
But the slime ate a hole in her pants.                      
                                                            
24265 DISEASE - VD                   Puff Adder               



Typhoid Mary my friends then did dub her;                   
Everyone started to snub her.                               
We tried some safe sex,                                     
But our good plan was vexed.                                
For during, I smelt burning rubber.                         
                                                            
24266 DISEASE - VD                   Puff Adder               



Our love did founder, not exist.                            
She said as she left, somewhat pissed:                      
"I'll become renowned;                                      
I'll pass it around."                                       
She's now on the "Most Wanted" list.                        
                                                            
24267 DISEASE - VD                   Puff Adder               



A student of social diseases                                
Explained to his Prof, "Holy Jesus!                         
Do you mean to tell me                                      
That I must get VD,                                         
Before I can write up my thesis?!"                          
                                                            
24268 DISEASE - VD                   Norm Storer              



To pander, the verb, means procure.                         
Although one is never quite sure,                           
If he's getting she,                                        
Or she's getting he.                                        
They both may well soon need a cure.                        
                                                            
24269 DISEASE - VD                   Larry Davis         P8511



A feckless Don Juan, Randy Shores,                          
Consorts with filthy old whores;                            
It was groovy to lay back,                                  
But much less so the payback:                               
Big buboes and pustulous sores.                             
                                                            
24270 DISEASE - VD                   Armand E Singer     P0305



Basil said to his mate,                                     
"I'm just not one to berate.                                
I gave her chlamydia,                                       
I got from Olivia.                                          
Fair exchange, we have a clean slate."                      
                                                            
24271 DISEASE - VD                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



There was a young coed named Lydia                          
Who suffered from chronic chlamydia.                        
But the cause of those itches                               
That she felt in her britches,                              
Was a virus that's called citmorbidia.                      
                                                            
24272 DISEASE - VD                   Bob Birch           P0109



There once was an Argentine gaucho,                         
Inspired by comedian Groucho.                               
He found his Olivia;                                        
She gave him chlamydia;                                     
There's an itch in his testicles' poucho                    
                                                            
24273 DISEASE - VD                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



I don't know that much of disease;                          
Bear with me on that, if you please.                        
You surpass me by far                                       
In this area. You are                                       
Really a connoisseur of VD's.                               
                                                            
24274 DISEASE - VD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A clapped out old queen from Darjeeling                     
Complained of a distict lack of feeling,                    
But the rags that he wore                                   
On the tip of his sore,                                     
Left his customers quite sick and reeling.                  
                                                            
24275 DISEASE - VD                   Anon                     



He's drunk as a skunk on bad wine.                          
He thinks that his pecker's real fine.                      
It's limp and it leaks;                                     
Been drippin' for weeks.                                    
That stuff ain't the fruit of the vine.                     
                                                            
24276 DISEASE - VD                   Bonnie                   



You've given zirconium, cubic.                              
You've tried to solve puzzles by Rubic.                     
Be undoubtedly glad                                         
If you haven't had                                          
The burgeoning infections, pubic.                           
                                                            
24277 DISEASE - VD                   Larry Davis         P8601



There once was a man from Scotch Plains,                    
Who thought he could dance like Claude Rains.               
He got on the floor,                                        
And danced with a whore,                                    
And now he has genital pains.                               
                                                            
24278 DISEASE - VD                   Tomer Shiran             



But darling, that just can't be true,                       
For I've been with no other than you.                       
I know that that wart,                                      
Of a genital sort,                                          
Came from you and your penis of blue!                       
                                                            
24279 DISEASE - VD                                            



A young rake with a venereal curse,                         
Was getting a shot by the nurse.                            
He'd better not heed to                                     
His gung-ho libido,                                         
Or he's dragging his heels in a hearse.                     
                                                            
24280 DISEASE - VD                   Edwin J Weinstein        



In the 60s we never did see                                 
The upshot of "Beach Blanket Party"                         
Where young Gidget went ape                                 
And events then took shape                                  
Which led to her Rx: STD.                                   
                                                            
24281 DISEASE - VD                   Loren Fitzhugh      P2005



I once had a girlfriend named Jen;                          
I loved her and held her and then,                          
Between both her knees,                                     
I got a disease!                                            
Won't share my valentine again                              
                                                            
24282 DISEASE - VD                                            



He has got a cute little butt,                              
Though something's wrong with his left nut.                 
It's wrinkled and green.                                    
Oh, what can this mean?                                     
He caught a disease from a slut?                            
                                                            
24283 DISEASE - VD                                            



There was a young man from The Hague                        
Who suffered what seemed to be plague.                      
But on closer inspection                                    
A large green erection                                      
Was the cause of his sheep-induced ague.                    
                                                            
24284 DISEASE - VD                   Robert Elliot            



I heard whispers from the women's latrine,                  
'Twas most likely a lady marine;                            
"I was overly hasty                                         
To have me a tastie;                                        
Like a doughnut you're hung, but it's green!"               
                                                            
24285 DISEASE - VD                                            



You haven't got no diseases,                                
Never a cough or a sneezes.                                 
Tested now twice,                                           
Isn't that nice.                                            
From your pants now, just releases.                         
                                                            
24286 DISEASE - VD                   Arden                    



Army lecture on sexual hygiene:                             
Finger-test your hot doll's love  machine;                  
For ten seconds, you linger;                                
Pull out, shake your finger;                                
Your nail won't fly off if she's clean!                     
                                                            
24287 DISEASE - VD                   Allen Wolverton          



Don't think that they had any catching                      
Diseases to pass with their snatching                       
Of love from this twit,                                     
But since you mentioned it,                                 
I can't seem to stop with this scratching...                
                                                            
24288 DISEASE - VD                                            



They'll deliver on time this V.D.,                          
If you're careless like I was, you'll see.                  
Keep about you, your wits;                                  
Don't get blinded by tits,                                  
Or the flowers will come "S" T. D.                          
(S T D - sexually transmitted disease)                      
24289 DISEASE - VD                                            



"My goodness, I've grown rather blotchy!"                   
Cried Jeeves, when he looked at his crotchy.                
"That lass on her knees                                     
Denied a disease,                                           
But the truth I have learned from her twatchy!"             
                                                            
24290 DISEASE - VD                   Travis Brasell           



A lad from the southwest Crimea                             
Caught something that ended in "-rhea,"                     
Like "dia-" or "mono-"                                      
Or "logo-" or "gono-"                                       
For which there's no known panacea.                         
                                                            
24291 DISEASE - VD                   Armand E Singer       263



There was a young girl from Mauritius,                      
Who said, "That last bit was delicious.                     
But if you don't mind,                                      
We'll postpone the next grind,                              
As that spot on your tool looks suspicious."                
                                                            
24292 DISEASE - VD                   Linda Marsh Coll         



A naive girl named Louise,                                  
Thought the moon was made of green cheese.                  
This gullible she                                           
Was heard to agree:                                         
Moby Dick's a venereal disease.                             
                                                            
24293 DISEASE - VD                                            



His nuts later blistered profuse.                           
He knew it was from that ol' cooze.                         
'Twas what soldiers call                                    
"The ol' musk-et ball",                                     
And seamen, "ol' vesicle ooze".                             
                                                            
24294 DISEASE - VD                                            



A man with a throbbing erection,                            
Forgetting the prudent protection,                          
Took a roll on the floor                                    
With a questionable whore,                                  
And now has a nasty infection.                              
                                                            
24295 DISEASE - VD                   Anon                     



A hairy-faced bitch from The Barrens                        
Enhanced our love-play with live herons.                    
That girl was so foul,                                      
The drip from my dowel                                      
Had only one cure: interferons.                             
                                                            
24296 DISEASE - VD                                            



Venereal disease is insidious                               
And the end results horribly hideous!                       
It's best, on the whole,                                    
To make cleaness your goal,                                 
Even when you're not really fastidious.                     
                                                            
24297 DISEASE - VD                   Grand Prix Lim  843 G1921



The punctuator loves to make dots,                          
The way epigramists make mots.                              
Procrastinators                                             
Put off making whores                                       
So they do not get the red spots.                           
                                                            
24298 DISEASE - VD                   Larry Davis         P8606



Nellita had sex on a dare                                   
And caught a disease very rare.                             
You can rest most assured                                   
That she'll never be cured,                                 
'Cause it ain't covered by Medicare.                        
                                                            
24299 DISEASE - VD                   The Sailor          P0310



We men though, just ain't all that picky,                   
As long as its wet -- not too sticky.                       
If its extra-curricular,                                    
We're much less particular                                  
And apt to bring home something icky                        
                                                            
24300 DISEASE - VD                                            



After help from the shot in my groin went,                  
I got myself a new appointment.                             
The doc said to spread                                      
This cream on the head                                      
Of my pecker, please help with this ointment.               
                                                            
24301 DISEASE - VD                                            



I think once it's on, there you should                      
Make sure that it's rubbed in real good.                    
Fill up your crack                                          
And lie on your back,                                       
And help rub it onto my wood.                               
                                                            
24302 DISEASE - VD                                            



This application works fine                                 
And should keep the virus in line.                          
And as I pump you                                           
It rubs on you, too;                                        
A treament for both -- How divine!                          
                                                            
24303 DISEASE - VD                                            



Those sores on your twat ain't from me;                     
Must have been that guy with VD.                            
He wined you and dined you,                                 
And then he reclined you.                                   
And gave oozing sores unto thee!                            
                                                            
24304 DISEASE - VD                                            



A liberal, lordie! I'm not,                                 
I work hard for all that I've got.                          
You're the ones with the wankers                            
That is covered with cankers.                               
May as well tie your crank in a knot.                       
                                                            
24305 DISEASE - VD                                            



Because of my aggressive erection,                          
You must use a lot of protection.                           
For there isn't much hope                                   
For your meat envelope                                      
To ward off my penile infection.                            
                                                            
24306 DISEASE - VD                   Travis Brasell           



Here I lie, where you can't see me ooze,                    
On account of sweet Petrie Dish Sue's                       
Ripe quim!  Keep away!                                      
While here I must stay;                                     
The mortician has stolen my shoes!                          
                                                            
24307 DISEASE - VD                                            



Our Petrie Dish Sue has worked hard                         
To get what she's got, you old bard;                        
Her health card attests                                     
That she's full of pests,                                   
So treat her with highest regard!                           
                                                            
24308 DISEASE - VD                                            



Such a scent, like Parisian perfume!                        
And it stains all the walls in her room!                    
What's this strange runny cheese,                           
Running down to her knees?                                  
Have a taste; it's some fruit of her womb!                  
                                                            
24309 DISEASE - VD                                            



There was a young lass from Listowel,                       
Whose beauty was everyone's goal.                           
In her efforts to please,                                   
Spread a well-known disease                                 
From Slea Head to the frosty South Pole.                    
                                                            
24310 DISEASE - VD                   Linda Marsh Coll         



There once was a man called Sylvester,                      
Who screwed a tart's ass in North Leicester.                
He should've cared more                                     
When fucking that whore;                                    
His foreskin's now starting to fester.                      
                                                            
24311 DISEASE - VD                   Anon                     



There was one generation who had                            
Full freedom, for which they were glad:                     
Post-pill and pre-AIDS,                                     
Those men and those maids                                   
Just screwed around safely like mad.                        
                                                            
24312 DISEASE - VD                   Nick                     



If with sickly whores guys should lie,                      
Their bladders may cease and they'd cry;                    
I guess, though, not peeing                                 
Is better than being                                        
Poked with a sharp stick in the eye.                        
                                                            
24313 DISEASE - VD                                            



The pain of the stick in the eye                            
Would lessen, I guess, by and by.                           
But it seems to me                                          
That the need to pee                                        
Is pain that you could not deny.                            
                                                            
24314 DISEASE - VD                                            



Far better than cure is prevention,                         
At least that was once the contention.                      
Though it does seem to me,                                  
What with rife STD,                                         
That prevention equates with abstention.                    
(STD - sexually transmitted diseases)                       
24315 DISEASE - VD                   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9708



Have you heard about how my aunt Alice is?                  
She suffers from pussy paralysis.                           
It tightened her lips,                                      
She can't move her hips.                                    
"She's dead," is her husband's analysis.                    
                                                            
24316 DISEASE - VD                   Tom Patton          P9806



There once was a fellow named Schuler,                      
Had Leda and Joan take a ruler                              
To measure his prick.                                       
But both called in sick,                                    
When his prick proved a pustulant drooler.                  
                                                            
24317 DISEASE - VD                   John Miller              



"Hello dear, this is Obaditch.                              
You must think that I'm a real bitch.                       
Please forgive my gaffe,                                    
Love, I meant not to laugh                                  
When you mentioned your rash and that itch!"                
                                                            
24318 DISEASE - VD                   Observer                 



There was a young man from Nantucket                        
Who soaked his sore cock in a bucket;                       
"Oh, never no more                                          
Will I fuck a whore!                                        
I'd rather have somebody suck it."                          
                                                            
24319 DISEASE - VD                                       G1942



The reflected moon in her eyes,                             
The warm breathy romantic sighs,                            
The setting just right,                                     
The flickering light...                                     
Oh no!, a red rash on her thighs!                           
                                                            
24320 DISEASE - VD                                            



A promiscuous man from South France,                        
Got green rings surrounding his lance.                      
Said the Doctor, "Some Screw!                               
There's nothing to do                                       
But to watch it rot off in your pants."                     
                                                            
24321 DISEASE - VD                   Lim of Month  Nov 2000   



A feisty young female named Vitas,                          
Whose doc diagnosed salpingitas,                            
Swore, "If I must be blunt,                                 
I'll squirt lye up my cunt;                                 
Those bugs just don't know what a fight is."                
                                                            
24322 DISEASE - VD                   Armand E Singer     P0109



An Imam from old Qum in Iran                                
Thus cautioned a aged madam,                                
"My clan's noted, you see,                                  
For excess STD?"                                            
"It's the same," she said, "back in Teheran."               
                                                            
24323 DISEASE - VD                   Arthur Deex         P0900



Once a young traveler from Mars,                            
He frequented Venus's bars.                                 
He often would wheeze                                       
Venereal disease,                                           
And his pecker is now full of scars.                        
                                                            
24324 DISEASE - VD                   Phil T                   



In Sex Education - 94,                                      
With haphazard sexing no more,                              
Because one can get                                         
Both AIDS and et cet,                                       
On sex...Many now bang the door...                          
Are more celebate than before...                            
24325 DISEASE - VD                   Irving Superior          



To mirrors, we now "Je't adore"...                          
Will suicide, every small sore...                           
Sell Xerox.  Buy Condoms Galore...                          
Now unemployed, every fourth whore.                         
                                                            
                                                            
24326 DISEASE - VD                   Irving Superior     P9409



A LOCO lass, name of Louise,                                
Liked all local gay blades to please.                       
Result of such playing                                      
And 'round the town laying,                                 
Was spreading a social disease.                             
                                                            
24327 DISEASE - VD                   Chris Papa               



A disease that is sure to astound,                          
One day in young Dennis was found.                          
He told his girl, Venus,                                    
"Let's keep it between us."                                 
But she didn't, she spread it around.                       
                                                            
24328 DISEASE - VD                   Margaret A. Murdock P8304



To many she sold her wet snatchy;                           
They ignored her snatchy's red patchy.                      
The red of her patchy                                       
Made fatal attachy;                                         
Her snatchy's red patchy was catchy.                        
                                                            
24329 DISEASE - VD                   Travis Brasell           



There once was a young man called Lee                       
Who had sex with a tart for a fee.                          
"That accounts," said the doc,                              
"For the spots on your cock,                                
And the reason it hurts you to pee!"                        
                                                            
24330 DISEASE - VD                   Anon                     



There once was a young man named Moore,                     
Who had a good time with a whore.                           
"That accounts," said the doc,                              
"For the spots on your cock,                                
And the reason your scrotum is sore."                       
                                                            
24331 DISEASE - VD                   Anon                     



Contrary to what you surmise,                               
VD's a disease spread by flies.                             
An ounce of prevention                                      
Can belie apprehension,                                     
So please keep your's buttoned, you guys.                   
                                                            
24332 DISEASE - VD                   Arthur Deex         P8512



Thick Thelma, dumb blonde, stated, "Please                  
I know all about birds and bees.                            
It is my recollection                                       
That a staph (staff) infection                              
Is a man's most feared social disease."                     
                                                            
24333 DISEASE - VD                   Tom Patton   P0109  P9807



There was a young man from Tucker,                          
Who met a young lady named Smucker.                         
A hotel room they rented,                                   
The arrangements contented,                                 
But after reading a flyer on sexually transmitted diseases, 
They took in a movie instead.                               
24334 DISEASE - VD                   Anon                     



For the sores on his prick, he used Dial.                   
That failed: he gave Lava a trial.                          
But the one remedy                                          
For contagious V.D.                                         
Is the Wonder Drug, sulfa-denial.                           
                                                            
24335 DISEASE - VD                                            



What passes for sex today                                   
Is nothing like a roll in the hay.                          
It's exceedingly sterile,                                   
Your life is in peril,                                      
If with the wrong person you play.                          
                                                            
24336 DISEASE - VD                   Marlene                  



A visitor from Narraganset,                                 
In a motel, decided to chance it.                           
He was a bit inept                                          
And did not contracept.                                     
Tomorrow a surgeon will lance it.                           
                                                            
24337 DISEASE - VD                   Pierce Evans             



So it is as I always have feared;                           
Our Sister, by sisters once reared,                         
Will give social disease                                    
To what sex will just please                                
(Anyway, she is growing a beard!).                          
                                                            
24338 DISEASE - VD                                            



My tuhng ith tho very wawge                                 
That I have twable with ahrths,                             
And ethths too.                                             
Wha can I do                                                
It'th thwowen and big ath a bawge.                          
                                                            
24339 DISEASE - VD                   Gearhart                 



Well what did you think you did catch,                      
Last time you were licking a snatch?                        
You must don protection                                     
On any projection                                           
You choose to thrust into a snatch.                         
                                                            
24340 DISEASE - VD                   John Miller              



So now, you can take it from me,                            
Some girls will have germs where they pee.                  
With my left middle finger                                  
I once chose to linger,                                     
And now it's as big as my knee!                             
                                                            
24341 DISEASE - VD                   John Miller              



I've a festering sore on my nose,                           
That itches and oozes and grows.                            
Now I ask, "Who among us                                    
Would risk a foot fungus                                    
By failing to cover their toes?"                            
                                                            
24342 DISEASE - VD                   John Miller              



My ears have sloughed off, if you please,                   
Thanks to Sally, with Hansen's disease,                     
Who would writhe, gasp and giggle                           
When I gave them a wriggle                                  
While using the lobes as a tease.                           
                                                            
24343 DISEASE - VD                   John Miller              



This lesson at last I have learned:                         
If you truly don't want to be burned,                       
When in bed with a lass,                                    
You should cover your ass                                   
And a condom should NEVER be spurned.                       
                                                            
24344 DISEASE - VD                   John Miller              



This lesson for me came too late;                           
Every hair has been shed from my pate.                      
Although to this day,                                       
I can't see a way                                           
To protect my whole head from my date.                      
                                                            
24345 DISEASE - VD                   John Miller              



A dissolute Fellow of Caius,                                
Contracted a social disease.                                
Now, From St Johns to Cholmondeley,                         
He twinges and glumly                                       
Turns purple whenever he pees.                              
                                                            
24346 DISEASE - VD                   P Cheroff                



A conniving young fellow named Gus                          
Had raped an old maid on the bus.                           
Though he bragged of his pluck                              
And the way that he struck,                                 
What he struck was a pocket of pus.                         
                                                            
24347 DISEASE - VD                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1716



A grimy young fellow was Gus;                               
His pecker was slimy with pus.                              
But his girlfriend was grimier,                             
And her pussy was slimier,                                  
So she didn't kick up any fuss.                             
                                                            
24348 DISEASE - VD                   Albin Chaplin 3024  G1918



It cold from the mountains to shores                        
In Dixie -- but I've got my whores;                         
The twats that they've got,                                 
All keep me real hot;                                       
Who cares if they've all got those sores?                   
                                                            
24349 DISEASE - VD                                            



She sat on the copy machine;                                
No undies! That's normally keen;                            
But the silly young beast                                   
Was loaded with yeast;                                      
The glass was the dickens to clean!                         
                                                            
24350 DISEASE - VD                                            



There once was a gorgeous young chick                       
Who gave me a scarlet hued dick.                            
'Twas painfully chafed                                      
Even though she vouchsafed,                                 
There was zilch in her snatch that could nick.              
                                                            
24351 DISEASE - VD                                            



He was known as a wonderful screw,                          
With his dink in the pink all day through.                  
But the fine days of plenty,                                
Were done after twenty,                                     
When the red in his balls turned to blue.                   
(ink in his dink turned to blue.)  Chancroid - blue balls)  
24352 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID                           G0179



There once was a banker of Sanker.                          
Alas, he developed a chancre.                               
When told, his G.P. Cried "Oh dearie me!                    
There'll be some tirrivee    (outburst of temper, commotion)
When the whole population of Sanker                         
Learns this of their banker."                               
24353 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID                                



Punctilious Park Avenue Paul                                
Pulled off a piece in the hall.                             
In neglecting to choose, he                                 
Wound up with a floozie                                     
And one great big indigo ball.                              
                                                            
24354 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID       Zero Mostel         G1944



PURPLE PASSAGE, erotica calls.                              
Whenever 'neath males eyes, one falls,                      
Unmet needs bring gloom,                                    
Though pink organ bloom,                                    
Beneath, there are lurking blue balls.                      
                                                            
24355 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID       Chris Papa               



A woman from Sleepy Hollow                                  
Got all of the menfolks to follow.                          
They played with her crack                                  
But she took all their jack,                                
And gave the blueballs to them all-o!                       
                                                            
24356 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID                           G1957



Berries, berries, all kind of berries,                      
Chancres on her ass like California cherries.               
The first time I hit her,                                   
I nearly broke her shitter,                                 
Down where the Hasiampa flows.                              
                                                            
24357 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID                           L0452



There was a young fellow named Shorty,                      
Who thought of himself as quite sporty.                     
But the girls that he laid                                  
Were all sadly dismayed,                                    
For chancres and clap were his forte.                       
                                                            
24358 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID       Albin Chaplin   3024-1744



On his cock, the old man pulled long hauls,                 
While in ecstasy, death cast its palls;                     
Since not breathing, in bed,                                
His sad, small, balding head                                
Most resembles his wrinkled blue balls.                     
                                                            
24359 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID       Mark Levy           P9605



There was a young fellow named Shorty                       
Who all the girls thought was sporty.                       
He had plenty of spark                                      
And sure left his mark,                                     
For chancres and clap were his forte.                       
                                                            
24360 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID       Albin Chaplin            



There once was a sensuous Sioux,                            
Who liked to do nothing but screw.                          
She would give no relief                                    
To her favorite chief,                                      
Until both of his balls had turned blue.                    
                                                            
24361 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID                           G0797



Whenever a freighter or tanker                              
Pulls into a port and drops anchor,                         
And the men go ashore                                       
In search of a whore,                                       
Most will return with a chancre.                            
                                                            
24362 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID                                



There was an old whore of Belgrade,                         
Whose chancres had left her dismayed.                       
She sought help from Doc Gray                               
But had no cash to pay,                                     
So she offered her service in trade.                        
                                                            
24363 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID       Albin Chaplin   3024-1702



A lady whose name was Blanch Corrigan,                      
Was the mistress of J. Pierpont Morgan.                     
Till she handed the banker                                  
An incurable chancre,                                       
And now she's just a plain whore again.                     
                                                            
24364 DISEASE - VD - CHANCROID                           L1002



Yes, he is a mighty fine chap;                              
All others are backed off the map.                          
He deserves our huzzahs,                                    
And resounding applause,                                    
Let's give him a large dose of clap!                        
                                                            
24365 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Ed Potts            P8511



Unbeknownst to young Charlie Brown,                         
His wife was out boinking the town.                         
She came down with the clap                                 
And it caused quite a flap,                                 
When she went back to Charlie, the clown.                   
                                                            
24366 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Roy Gateley              



There once was a fellow named Lee                           
Who said, "Doc how it hurts me to pee."                     
"By the size of your sore,                                  
You've been with that whore.                                
You'll get nothing to cure it from me."                     
                                                            
24367 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Paul                     



There was a young man from Fort Knapp,                      
Who boasted a cock full of sap.                             
He said, with a snigger,                                    
"It gets bigger and bigger,                                 
Or Christ! Is it only the clap?"                            
                                                            
24368 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1915



Ulrome had its share of lake dwellings,                     
Whose toilets gave rise to bad smellings.                   
Folks lived in full fear                                    
Of Black Plague, gonorrhea,                                 
Halitosis and ugly black swellings.                         
                                                            
24369 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Howard Peach        P9006



Two delightful young ladies of Twickenham                   
Used to let one and all steep their wick in 'em.            
But demand fell away                                        
On the rumor that they                                      
Had allowed a clapped youth stick his prick in 'em.         
                                                            
24370 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jim Weaver Collection    



The doctor's the man you should see,                        
If you're burning like mad when you pee.                    
It could be gonorrhea,                                      
Or just diarrhea,                                           
But your bum shouldn't burn when you wee.                   
                                                            
24371 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Brookshire;                       
In bed, his wife always would tire.                         
So he got him a wench,                                      
And now he's less tense,                                    
But pissing is burning like fire!                           
                                                            
24372 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jayde                    



There once was a woman who teased,                          
Who often dropped to her knees.                             
A man said, "Let me fuck it!"                               
And tossed her a ducat,                                     
But now he burns when he pees!                              
                                                            
24373 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Pokey                    



Our town has just one busy Floozy;                          
She's so busy, she's often quite woozy.                     
If you play with her snatch,                                
Your likely to catch                                        
A case of the clap that's a Doosy!                          
                                                            
24374 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                     



Down South, working cribs in fouled wrapper,                
There's a pestilent hooker named Knapper.                   
Those who've had her, say, "Hell,                           
Why she's no Southern belle,                                
You'd more aptly call her a clapper."                       
                                                            
24375 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Bob Giandomenico    P9206



There was an old man of Tantivy,                            
Who followed his son to the privy.                          
He lifted the lid                                           
To see what he did,                                         
And found that it smelt of Capivi.                          
(Published 1879)(Capivi - a old remedy for gonorrhea)       
24376 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1123



"So what is the problem, old chap?"                         
Asked the doctor of Archibald Knapp.                        
"I keep hearing these cheers                                
Of applause in my ears."                                    
"Well, it sounds like a bad dose of clap."                  
                                                            
24377 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Peter Wilkins            



A heedless young Heine named Schnapps                       
Beds many cheap Dagos and Japs;                             
He's ruined his tassel                                      
In seasonal wassail,                                        
And suffers from Christmastide claps.                       
                                                            
24378 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Armand E Singer     P0109



A clumsy young clod from Bordeaux,                          
Was fucking a girl in St. Lo.                               
They fell from her rack;                                    
He stepped on her crack.                                    
Now he's nursing clap of the toe.                           
                                                            
24379 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                     



My uncle, when young, was a madcap;                         
That his, 'til the night of his mishap.                     
When out on the town,                                       
He lifted a gown,                                           
And got himself sore in a clap-trap.                        
                                                            
24380 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Allan Ottley, 1975       



We feel sorry as hell for young Dot,                        
Now her boyfriend can't probe in That Spot.                 
For unfortunate Roscoe                                      
Got the clap up in Moscow--                                 
He claims it's a Communist plot!                            
                                                            
24381 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1912



There was a young lecher named Lapp                         
Who thought condoms were so much crap.                      
Said he, "All us he-men,                                    
Like to scatter our semen."                                 
Ten weeks later he still has the clap.                      
                                                            
24382 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1927



A young man who went for a spin,                            
Had a night on the town, full of sin.                       
It was a DEBACLE                                            
'Cause germs gonococcal                                     
From unprotected sex had crept in.                          
                                                            
24383 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Chris Papa               



There was a young lady named Freed                          
Who said that it hurt when she peed,                        
And this was because                                        
Of immutable laws                                           
Concerning contaminate seed.                                
                                                            
24384 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1917



Remember those two of Aberystwyth,                          
Who connected the things that they pissed with?             
She sat on his lap,                                         
But they both had the clap,                                 
And they cursed with the things that they kissed with.      
                                                            
24385 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Algernon Swinburne  L1071



The ghost of good Emily Post                                
Descends from the heavenly host                             
To bless guys discreet                                      
Whose, dates, prim and neat,                                
Were debs who were seriously dosed.                         
(dosed - infected with clap)                                
24386 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Tucker D. Ott       P9001



There was a young girl named Maria                          
Who had very bad diarrhea.                                  
By the butt she got laid,                                   
And the guy really paid,                                    
'Cause she also had gonorrhea.                              
                                                            
24387 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Anon                     



If what I deduce here is true                               
She really did have quite a few.                            
'Cause she had the clap                                     
I avoided her trap;                                         
Can I say the same about you?                               
                                                            
24388 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jim Weaver Collection    



A junior high student named Freddy                          
No longer makes out with his steady;                        
Though barely thirteen,                                     
This past Halloween                                         
She dosed him up badly already.                             
                                                            
24389 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Armand E Singer       440



Prickautious young Frogsnipper Dilke                        
Keeps his pecker encased in green silk.                     
As to why, we won't quibble,                                
It's well know for its dribble,                             
And that drop on the end isn't milk.                        
                                                            
24390 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G2316



Since paying for goods is a flap,                           
My spending's constrained by a cap.                         
The economists say                                          
That return's based on pay,                                 
Which bought me a free case of clap.                        
                                                            
24391 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            The Sailor          P0307



What rendered the misery complete                           
Of an unlucky fellow named Pete,                            
Was that by a mishap                                        
He contracted the clap                                      
From a rickety old toilet seat.                             
                                                            
24392 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            A. N. Wilkins       P8701



There was a young man named Sam Stover                      
Who prayed for a girl to Jehovah.                           
She appeared on his lap                                     
And gave him the clap;                                      
Now that sort of prayer is all over.                        
                                                            
24393 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Isaac Asimov             



When a GI is sent to Korea,                                 
He soon contracts diarrhea.                                 
Then some Korean cookie                                     
Will give him some nookie.                                  
What happens then?  Gonorrhea!                              
                                                            
24394 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Ed Wolfert          P8208



There was a young man from St. Strap                        
Who contracted a dose of the clap.                          
He said, "Pax vobiscum,                                     
Why doesn't the piss come?                                  
These nuns are too much for a chap!"                        
                                                            
24395 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow named Papp                          
Who cared not for women a rap.                              
His profoundest delight                                     
Was achieved on the night,                                  
That he gobbled a joint with the clap.                      
                                                            
24396 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Albin Chaplin   3024-1284



A gunnery sergeant, half shot,                              
Showed his medals to a Mexican tot.                         
"That's funnee, meester,                                    
For you see that my seester                                 
Got gonoree -- no medal she got."                           
                                                            
24397 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Martin Wellborn     P8412



She whispered she wanted to shag,                           
Without the use of a dick bag,                              
Before I ate her.                                           
And several days later,                                     
My tongue had the clap, what a drag!                        
                                                            
24398 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Burrito Man              



He was happy as hell to hear Bee                            
Hotly pant he could fuck her for free.                      
But since then, poor old Zapp                               
Finds himself with the clap,                                
And he curses at Bee with each pee.                         
                                                            
24399 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1899



There once was a doughty Norwegian,                         
Who enlivened the French Foreign Legion.                    
But his brothers-in-arms                                    
Who succumbed to his charms,                                
All got clap in their hindermost region.                    
                                                            
24400 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L0497



I know from whence came gonorrhea,                          
Maria gave it to me free-a.                                 
I could kill that dame,                                     
For all of the pain,                                        
'Cause it hurts me when I pee-a.                            
                                                            
24401 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Ken Bonnell              



My story is: Since I've returned,                           
Much midnight oil have I burned.                            
Fornicating and fucking,                                    
Masturbating and sucking;                                   
Gonorrhea, I have thus earned!                              
(The gift that keeps on giving - Sage)                      
24402 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            The Goof                 



There was a young lady of Yap,                              
Who had pimples all over her map.                           
But in her interstices                                      
There lurked a far worse disease,                           
Commonly known as the clap.                                 
                                                            
24403 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1128



Said a badly infected old Colonel,                          
"I've read right there in the journal --                    
That clap, as it's told,                                    
Is no worse than a cold,"                                   
But his knuckles turned white as the urinal.                
                                                            
24404 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Ed Potts            P8602



That lovely young harlot, Miss Biddle,                      
Suffered vaginal pains when she'd diddle.                   
Said the cynical doc, "I                                    
Suppose gonococci                                           
Are making you burn when you piddle."                       
                                                            
24405 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                               G1959a



"Tell the court, please, have you ever been                 
Down with clap, if you please, Mr. Quinn?"                  
"Never! No way!                                             
And man, I sure pray                                        
That I don't never get it again!"                           
                                                            
24406 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            John Miller 0302         



A British tar who was named Basil                           
Dated the nice hooker, Hazel.                               
He returned to ship                                         
With an awful drip;                                         
You can bet the drip wasn't nasal.                          
                                                            
24407 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



Were you a more elegant chap,                               
I'd ask to sit down on your lap,                            
Cross-legged, like a swami,                                 
For 'hide the salami',                                      
But it seems that you're ill with the clap.                 
                                                            
24408 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Saffonda Cox             



There once was a heathen Chinee                             
Who went in the backyard to pee.                            
He said: "How is thisee?                                    
My cockee no pissee!                                        
Hellee! God-dammee! Chordee!"                               
(chordee - painful penis erection due to clap)(Publish 1888)
24409 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1905



There was a young lady named Tunney                         
Whose cunt was a little bit runny.                          
Since she'd taken a nap                                     
With a guy with the clap,                                   
This was not unexplainedly funny.                           
                                                            
24410 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1961



Aboard ship, the Officers were pious;                       
They got non-specific urethritis.                           
Enlisted got clap,                                          
An injection and slap;                                      
We're luck they didn't indict us.                           
                                                            
24411 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            S C Saint                



He spend all his trip in Paris                              
With Yvette, Lizette and Marie.                             
He sampled their charms;                                    
He slept in their arms;                                     
And now it is painful to pee.                               
                                                            
24412 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Larry Davis         P8710



Hans bedded with Hannah, one night.                         
Result of much GEMUTLICHKEIT,                               
Was that the poor sap                                       
Got good case of clap,                                      
With penis that pains and pees white.                       
                                                            
24413 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Chris Papa               



There once was a maiden, Mariah,                            
Whose morals let many men try her.                          
But when they all found,                                    
Dripped GC around,  (gonococcus)                            
They spurned her as bad-clap PARIAH.                        
                                                            
24414 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Chris Papa               



There was a young monk of Dundee,                           
Who complained that it hurt him to pee.                     
He said, "Pax vobiscum!                                     
Why doesn't the piss come?                                  
It must be the C-L-A-P."                                    
                                                            
24415 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1090



A cold without even a cough.                                
A little drip just made him scoff.                          
But inside a year,                                          
We're saddened to hear,                                     
His poor little weiner fell off.                            
                                                            
24416 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Larry Davis         P8512



There was a young woman of Cheadle,                         
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.                         
Said she, "Does it itch?"                                   
"It does, you damned bitch,                                 
And burns like hellfire when I peedle."                     
                                                            
24417 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1086



The physicians of Countess van Krapp,                       
Found a terrible rash on her map--                          
Sores that opened and closed                                
Which they soon diagnosed                                   
As a case of perennial clap.                                
                                                            
24418 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1106



A charming young lady named Randall,                        
Has the clap that the doctors can't handle.                 
So this lovely lorn floozy,                                 
With her poor damaged coozie,                               
Must take her delight with a candle.                        
                                                            
24419 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1115



An unfortunate tart with the clap                           
Lamented the curse in her lap.                              
'Twas her prior injection                                   
Which caused her infection,                                 
Transforming her trade into trap.                           
                                                            
24420 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Stiffy Joe               



There once was a fellow named Euler                         
Had Leda and Joan take a ruler                              
To measure his prick                                        
But both called in sick                                     
When his prick proved a pustulant drooler.                  
                                                            
24421 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                     



There once was a man named Jalap,                           
Who was a sorry old sap.                                    
For when he was little,                                     
He had a quick diddle,                                      
And now has a dose of the clap!                             
                                                            
24422 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man named Klepper,                        
Who with whores became quite a stepper.                     
But now, with dismay,                                       
He's been heard to say,                                     
"My dick hurts like pissing red pepper."                    
                                                            
24423 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1105



A virile young G.I. named Shorty,                           
Was lively, and known to be sporty.                         
But he once made a slip                                     
And showed up with a "drip",                                
And was redlined (35-1440).                                 
(redlined etc - Army pay stopped due to of venereal disease)
24424 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1121



A man, known all over the nation,                           
Decided to try fornication.                                 
That is how this dear chap                                  
Got a dose of the clap,                                     
A victim of his recreation!                                 
                                                            
24425 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            John Doehner        P8610



Young Tom Doane, a promising jockey,                        
Laid up his spurs, feeling rocky.                           
"I have got saddle-galls,                                   
On both of my balls."                                       
But the doctor wrote down: Gonococci.                       
                                                            
24426 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1103



The bollocks of the Sherrif of Nottingham,                  
Strangled by his codpiece, was garroting 'em.               
But that wasn't the trouble,                                
It was this big yellow bubble,                              
That oozed down his dick and was rotting 'em.               
                                                            
24427 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Percy Longprong          



There was a young monk of La Trappe,                        
Who had shooting pains in his jappap.                       
He said, "Jesus Christ!                                     
This doesn't feel nice--                                    
Methinks Sister Maud hath the clappe."                      
                                                            
24428 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1129



At a dinner for whores in Hoboken,                          
The waiter, well-hung, started pokin'.                      
He ran into a batch                                         
With the clap in their snatch,                              
And found four with their hymens unbroken.                  
                                                            
24429 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Albin Chaplin   3024-1722



There's a man in the City of Dublin,                        
Whose pego is always him troublin'.                         
And it's now come to this,                                  
That he can't go to piss,                                   
But the spunk with the piddle comes bubblin'.               
(Published 1870)                                            
24430 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1089



There was a young fellow named Hap                          
Who caught a bad case of the clap.                          
His turds ended square --                                   
There was no taper there --                                 
And his asshole would shut with a snap.                     
                                                            
24431 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Albin Chaplin   3024-1719



He knew when she started to flirt,                          
He shouldn't feel under her skirt.                          
Right after the fun,                                        
It started to run;                                          
He now finds his squirter won't spurt.                      
                                                            
24432 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Dick Buenger        P8412



There was a young lady named Hammer,                        
With a s-s-s-s-s-s-stammer.                                 
I had gone all the way                                      
Before she could say                                        
She was dosed.  Now I've got it, goddamn 'er.               
                                                            
24433 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            John Ciardi              



"In the clap there is really no peril,"                     
Declared a young coxswain named Merrill.                    
"It's no worse, I'm told,                                   
That a really bad cold,"                                    
He said until he became sterile.                            
                                                            
24434 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            A. N. Wilkins       P8512



A switch-hitting bachelor named Ian,                        
Who went in for hein' and shein',                           
Contracted a dose                                           
So utterly gross,                                           
It practically stopped him from peein'!                     
                                                            
24435 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Armand E Singer       359



There was an old party of Fife,                             
Who suspected a clap in his wife.                           
So he bought an injection                                   
To cure the infection,                                      
Which gave him a stricture for life.                        
                                                            
24436 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1091



Par's penis is pulsing with pus;                            
He got gono from Great-Grandpa Gus.                         
It sure doesn't tickle                                      
When pee starts to trickle,                                 
So he takes all his pain out on us.                         
                                                            
24437 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jim Weaver Collection    



A horny young soldier named Frank,                          
Had only his girlfriend to thank                            
That he didn't have clap,                                   
Gonorrhea or pap,                                           
And wind up in an oxygen tank.                              
                                                            
24438 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                L1093



A tearful young girl of Terrazzo                            
Cried, "Why does clap torture a twat so?                    
It bites like a flea,                                       
And it's murder to pee--                                    
I'm amazed that one's cunthole can rot so!"                 
                                                            
24439 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1959



A cute little chick from Korea                              
Is something like Typhoid Maria;                            
But her special disease                                     
Isn't caught from a sneeze--                                
In fact, it is called gonorrhea.                            
                                                            
24440 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Norm Storer              



Clay looks a lot like Saint Nick;                           
Except Clay's foul mouth's earned him a tick.               
If you sat on Clay's lap,                                   
You might catch the clap,                                   
'Cause he plays with his ass with a stick.                  
                                                            
24441 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the Nazi, adjusting his pants,                         
"Heil Hitler! Let's drink to the chance                     
Of a son with blonde head."                                 
Said the girl, "Drink instead                               
To the clap you've just caught! Vive la France!"            
                                                            
24442 DISEASE - VD - CLAP            John Miller 0087         



Said a fellow named O'Shea                                  
Who was cursed with gonorrhea:                              
"Mama mia,                                                  
Papa pia--                                                  
This is worse than diarrhea!"                               
                                                            
24443 DISEASE - VD - CLAP                                G1943



Both the cunt of a hooker named Hahn                        
And her panties got tainted with gon:                       
So she went, says a cynic, To a public health clinic,       
Where her source of entrapment, Was relieved of its clapment
By a medical shot, That took care of her twat;              
But debugging her ass, Was -- alack and alas --             
24444 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Jim O'Conner        P8512



Nothing more than a con                                     
Says the cynical John,                                      
Since the malady lingeries on!                              
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
24445 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Jim O'Conner        P8512



There was a young lady at sea,                              
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.                     
"I see", said the mate,                                     
"That accounts for the state,                               
Of the Captain, the Purser, and me.                         
                                                            
24446 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Anon (Frank Harris) L1120



Oh no, Sir, I'm not taking the rap,                         
'Cause you bastards came down with the clap.                
It hurts when I pee                                         
Due to my leprosy;                                          
Are your members intact, my good chap?                      
                                                            
24447 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   S C Saint                



Don Juan, the EDACIOUS great lover,                         
Would all too soon sadly discover,                          
His tool, well equipped,                                    
Most constantly dripped,                                    
And from "Clap" he'd never recover.                         
                                                            
24448 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Chris Papa               



Don Giovanni was the same,                                  
Who went to Hell for his sex game.                          
Not for his own clap,                                       
A minor mishap,                                             
He messed fallopians each dame.                             
                                                            
24449 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Larry                    



The reason it's called gonorrhea                            
Refers to the sores that appear.                            
Gonna hear yourself say,                                    
"Gone or here?" the next day.                               
And if they're not gone, "Goner, here."                     
                                                            
24450 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Irving Superior     P8512



If symptoms say you've got gonorrhea,                       
Next morning you check "gone or here?"                      
If symptoms still there,                                    
While tearing your hair,                                    
You dismally swear, "Goner here!"                           
                                                            
24451 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Irving Superior     P9403



Wee Willy my one-eyed wonder,                               
Splits young virgins asunder.                               
Then there was Mary                                         
Who hadn't a cherry,                                        
Now pissing hurts me like thunder,                          
                                                            
24452 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Dave Jersey              



I asked my doctor friend to explain                         
And to give me something for the pain.                      
Penicillin he told me                                       
Was the remedy                                              
And to keep one-eyed Wee Willy reined.                      
                                                            
24453 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Laurence E Bernstein     



There once was a General named Trout,                       
Whose army did storm a redoubt.                             
They battered down doors,                                   
But found only whores,                                      
So they went in and never came out.                         
                                                            
24454 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Puff Adder               



The enemy leader was mad at 'em;                            
He thought that he really had at 'em.                       
It was a crude trap;                                        
The whores had the clap;                                    
This was the germ warfare of Saddem.                        
                                                            
24455 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Puff Adder               



Now, clap is not known for killin';                         
The whores all did seem to be willin'.                      
To avoid rejection                                          
They took an injection,                                     
Because the medics had penicillin.                          
                                                            
24456 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Puff Adder               



Oh, I am the Miller of Dee;                                 
It's painful whenever I pee.                                
This here cakerous sore                                     
Musta come from some whore                                  
Who's paid back my screwing to me!                          
                                                            
24457 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Armand E Singer       141



Ill lies the Miller of Dee;                                 
Because of the clap, he can't pee;                          
When he contracts his muscle                                
Only two drops of pus'll                                    
Plop painfully down on his knee.                            
                                                            
24458 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Armand E Singer       138



If you look very close when inspecting                      
Your dick, with which you're been infecting                 
The girls from the bar                                      
In the back of your car,                                    
There's a new type of clap you're perfecting.               
                                                            
24459 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES                            



This clap is a flesh-eating strain;                         
Water's touch causes terrible pain.                         
But a shower's the worst,                                   
As it makes your cock burst                                 
It falls off and goes straight down the drain.              
                                                            
24460 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES                            



There once was a lady named Flo;                            
In street slang, we'd call her a ho.                        
She came down with the clap                                 
And got in a scrap.                                         
'Twas not covered by her HMO.                               
                                                            
24461 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Kathi                    



They then called her cured in three days,                   
And driveled about "shortened stays".                       
So the streets are abuzz,                                   
As now quickies she does,                                   
And the rule she happily obeys.                             
                                                            
24462 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   Kathi                    



On Friday took my date, who was willin',                    
To a movie 'bout hero and villain;                          
T'was a nice dark drive-in;                                 
'Tween her thighs I was divin';                             
Now t'is Monday, I need Penicillin.                         
                                                            
24463 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES                            



I now have the clap, that's for sure;                       
I thought she was innocent and pure:                        
Now my pecker's a drippin',                                 
To my leg, it's a stickin',                                 
It's sick, and in need of a cure.                           
                                                            
24464 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES                            



There once was an old man named Dave,                       
Hired out as a sexual slave.                                
For straights or for queero's                               
Till our flagellant hero                                    
Got a bad case of clap in his stave.                        
                                                            
24465 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   MrMalo                   



So he went to see old Doctor Lee;                           
He said, "Doctor, my pecker won't pee!"                     
The doctor said, "Dave,                                     
This opinion I'll brave;                                    
It looks to me just like VD!"                               
                                                            
24466 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   MrMalo                   



"Please go on into the loo,                                 
And we'll see what we can do."                              
And there the good doc                                      
Reamed out Dave's cock                                      
With a diamond tipped drill #2!                             
                                                            
24467 DISEASE - VD - CLAP - SERIES   MrMalo                   



He spent much on their high bar tabs,                       
And later, fare on taxi cabs.                               
So she asked him in                                         
For some fun and sin,                                       
Which he got, with ADJUVANT crabs.                          
                                                            
24468 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Chris Papa               



My girlfriend was really unclean,                           
Till I got her some new Vaseline.                           
Now the lice are all gone,                                  
So I needn't go on                                          
Having fun with my porn magazine.                           
                                                            
24469 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Matt Rees                



While shopping, a fellow from Cottam                        
Observed some fine fish and he bought 'em.                  
Said the clerk, young Miss Babbs,                           
"Would you care for some crabs?"                            
He said, "Thanks, but I already got 'em."                   
                                                            
24470 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1711



There once was a guy from Greece,                           
Whose pubes were loaded with fleas.                         
He couldn't stop shaking;                                   
His body was quaking,                                       
And so was his ten-year-old niece.                          
                                                            
24471 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



A young flea exploring a zone,                              
By a rich growth of hair overgrown,                         
Was surprised to discover                                   
The balls of a lover,                                       
And that he and his host weren't alone.                     
                                                            
24472 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1346



A sultan named Abou ben Adam,                               
Thus cautioned a travelling madam,                          
"I suffer from crabs                                        
As do all us A-rabs,"                                       
"It's alright," said the madam, "I've had 'em."             
                                                            
24473 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1072



There was a young lady from Gaza,                           
Who shaved her cunt clean with a razor.                     
The crabs in a lump                                         
Made tracks to her rump,                                    
Which proceeding did greatly amaze her.                     
(Published 1879)                                            
24474 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1095



If crabs to your pelvis should latch,                       
A string and a mirror attach.                               
The crabs will then go                                      
To visit below.                                             
With scissors the mirror detach.                            
                                                            
24475 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Irving Superior     P9403



The genitals of Kennedy Owerin                              
Are badly in need of a scourin',                            
For there lives a louse,                                    
Grown big as a mouse,                                       
On the fluids that it's been devourin'.                     
                                                            
24476 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Mike Tice                



There was an Old Man who said, "Hush!                       
I perceive I've got bugs in the bush!"                      
When they said, "Are they small?"                           
He replied, "Not at all!                                    
They're almost as big as my tush."                          
                                                            
24477 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Edwardian Leer 064       



There once was a girl named Rose,                           
Whose pubic hair scratched on her beaux.                    
Be that as it may,                                          
Being eaten one day,                                        
A crab jumped up and bit on his nose!                       
                                                            
24478 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Jim Weaver Collection    



A poor fellow infested with crabs                           
On the area south of his abs                                
Said, "The itching is worst                                 
When the bugs are dispersed                                 
And their bites have begun to form scabs."                  
                                                            
24479 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Jim Vandermeer      P9402



Despite her skill under the covers,                         
Misfortune around her just hovers.                          
In her bedroom there's mice,                                
And she's got body lice.                                    
I hope you're not one of her lovers.                        
                                                            
24480 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Bob Birch           P9806



In the CIA's secretest labs,                                
They've developed a new breed of crabs,                     
Which tickle and itch                                       
Like a son-of-a-bitch;                                      
If you want some, they're down there for grabs.             
                                                            
24481 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Beelzebub                



A Mid-East dictator named Saddam,                           
Thus cautioned a travelling madam,                          
"My moustache and my tush                                   
Both sport bugs in the bush."                               
"It's all right," said the madam, "I've had 'em."           
                                                            
24482 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Arthur Deex         P0900



There was a young fellow named Kline,                       
Who caught his first crab at age nine.                      
It is sad to relate                                         
It could not find a mate,                                   
And it withered away on the vine.                           
                                                            
24483 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1727



Three ladies out shopping, named Babbs,                     
Were screwed coming home in their cabs.                     
One came home with hams,                                    
The second with clams,                                      
And the third one came home with the crabs!                 
                                                            
24484 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1700



A brilliant young girl from Ann Arbor                       
Strange to say, went at night to her barber.                
There with tweezers and comb                                
And much sweat on his dome,                                 
He chased crabs in the hair 'round her harbor.              
                                                            
24485 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1897



There was an old man with a beard,                          
Remembering his fling with young Deird.                     
"I should have just fucked her,                             
But firstly I sucked her;                                   
My beard's now got crabs as I feared!"                      
                                                            
24486 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Tiddy Ogg                



The crabs that so irritate me,                              
I got in sex-congress with Bee.                             
So I paid for the tail                                      
That I got from that frail,                                 
With the crotch-pheasants thrown in for free.               
                                                            
24487 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1937



I used to go fishing with Babs,                             
A-hunting for flounders and dabs;                           
We caught us no fishes,                                     
But Babs was delicious,                                     
And all that I caught were the crabs.                       
                                                            
24488 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



From the shade of two mountainous balls                     
A crab to its mate softly calls,                            
And cautions, "My love,                                     
Watch out when they shove,                                  
For a death, drowned in cuntjuice, appalls."                
                                                            
24489 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1898



A footnote from Public Health Labs                          
Explaining how people get crabs--                           
THE CRABS DORMANT LIE                                       
Till pubic they spy                                         
THEN QUICKLY THEY'RE ALL UP FOR GRABS.                      
                                                            
24490 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Irving Superior     P9403



My girlfriend has lice in her hair,                         
In her armpits and even 'down there'.                       
They come in three kinds,                                   
So one sometimes finds                                      
You can have the damned things everywhere.                  
                                                            
24491 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           John Miller 0126         



There was a fishmonger named Babs,                          
Who sold cod, skate, place and sand dabs.                   
But she had sex with me,                                    
And caught my VD,                                           
And now she's a purveyor of crabs.                          
                                                            
24492 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Anon                     



Here's a sure fire way that can't miss.                     
The way to kill vermin is this:                             
Forget Vaseline,                                            
Drink raw gasoline,                                         
And attack with some flame-throwing piss!                   
                                                            
24493 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old woman of Reading,                          
Who said, "The infection is spreading."                     
She pondered a bit,                                         
Then reached for the Flit,                                  
And sprayed it all over the bedding.                        
                                                            
24494 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



Two sisters infested with crabs,                            
Resorted to pokes and to jabs,                              
When the elder related                                      
She felt obligated                                          
To collect the small lice for the labs.                     
                                                            
24495 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Buckaroo                 



An old whore who worked Sante Fe                            
Was know as a luscious hot lay.                             
But the bugs in her twitchet                                
Forced her always to itch it,                               
And frightened her clients away.                            
                                                            
24496 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Ray A Billington    P9901



Said a very sad sack named McNabs,                          
"Thanks to cat houses and their low drabs,                  
That I spent dough to poke,                                 
Now today I'm flat broke,                                   
With naught to show for it but crabs."                      
                                                            
24497 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Grand Prix Lim  183      



This nasty young gal wasn't "nice"                          
And was fully infested with lice.                           
She picked at the scabs                                     
Made from scratching her crabs,                             
And it stung so, she had to use ice.                        
                                                            
24498 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



A fellow once rummaged within                               
A gal who was ugly as sin.                                  
In spite of his jabs,                                       
She still gave him crabs;                                   
Nine inches reduced to a pin.                               
                                                            
24499 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



A Parisian harlot named Grace                               
Detested the Teutonic race.                                 
For when the army of Germany                                
Made her all verminy,                                       
The gendarmes shut down her place.                          
                                                            
24500 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1799



Said the Duke to the Duchess of Lottom,                     
Who had crabs, but couldn't say where she got 'em.          
"My dear, you're too generous                               
With your mons veneris,                                     
And equally so with your bottom."                           
                                                            
24501 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1932



There was an old man from Cape Verde                        
Who befriended a refugee Kurd.                              
"Get rid of your lice                                       
Is my best advice,                                          
And for hunger your belt you should gird."                  
                                                            
24502 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Harry Rubin         P9212



A doctor who charged a high price                           
Discovered what looked like small rice;                     
He said, "Fancy that,                                       
This young virgin twat                                      
Is loaded with crawling head lice."                         
                                                            
24503 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Mark Levy           P9402



A TV physician named Rice                                   
Was asked how to treat pubic lice.                          
He said, "Use a hammer,                                     
Pay no heed to the clamor,                                  
Be sure that you smack them all twice."                     
                                                            
24504 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Armand E Singer       473



My young girlfriend has beautiful abs,                      
And her ass has endured many grabs.                         
Her tits are just fine                                      
(I'd rate her a nine);                                      
But, darn, how I hate those damn crabs.                     
                                                            
24505 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Mark Levy           P9611



There was a young girl named McMitchin,                     
Who was scratching her snatch in the kitchen.               
Her mother said, "Rose,                                     
It's crabs, I suppose?"                                     
Rose said, "Yes, and, by Jesus, they're itchin'."           
                                                            
24506 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1102



There was a young lady of Stottam,                          
Who itched and she scratched at her bottom.                 
She said, "As I feared,                                     
He had crabs in his beard;                                  
This must be the reason I caught 'em."                      
                                                            
24507 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1746



There was a young lady named Lee,                           
Whose favors were frequent and free.                        
And pants-pigeons flew                                      
Where her goose-berries grew,                               
And some of them flew onto me.                              
                                                            
24508 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1107



"Although I'm not rich," said Miss Lowell,                  
"One gift is within my bestowal:                            
A kick in the rear                                          
Every day for a year,                                       
For the bugs some slob left in my hole.                     
                                                            
24509 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1933



There was an old harlot from Banff,                         
Whose panties were often times dampf.                       
She'd stand on her head                                     
With her inner lips spread,                                 
And wait for the crabs to decampf.                          
                                                            
24510 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Rick Miles               



My Daddy said Lisa's not nice,                              
And he said this to me more than twice.                     
"Lisa's a bitch                                             
And she'll make you itch.                                   
She infested me with pubic lice!"                           
                                                            
24511 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



A magnifier Mary would use,                                 
Whenever a new boy she'd choose.                            
Habit METICULOUS,                                           
Wasn't rediculous,                                          
Avoiding those itchy crab blues.                            
                                                            
24512 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Chris Papa               



Said the whore to her john, "I've protested;                
Cleaner men, who my snatch have requested.                  
The reason, you see,                                        
Is to stay insect free.                                     
I lose sales if with crabs I'm infested."                   
                                                            
24513 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Thomas G. Keller    P9402



There was a queer fellow named Rice                         
Whose sex life was colder than ice.                         
But a kindly relation                                       
Restored his sensation,                                     
By covering his penis with lice.                            
                                                            
24514 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1526



The guy with the girl from Dalhousie                        
Suceeded in making her drowsy --                            
But he speedily found,                                      
Long before she came 'round,                                
That her center of interest was lousy.                      
                                                            
24515 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Keith MacMillan       26b



In church, a pedicular dastard                              
Sat squirming, pruritus unmastered.                         
While his parents got hitched,                              
He just scratched where he itched--                         
Thus defining a real lousy bastard.                         
                                                            
24516 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Bob Giandomenico    P9402



There was a young lady of Michigan,                         
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."               
Said her mother, "That's strange,                           
I'm surprised it ain't mange,                               
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."            
                                                            
24517 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1109



There once was a man we called Decker                       
Whose nose was as long as his pecker.                       
His girlfriend named Babs                                   
Didn't mind 'bout his crabs,                                
'Cause his schnoz surely wouldn't infect her!               
                                                            
24518 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



There was an old lady named Kay                             
Who bragged, in her off-handed way:                         
There was life where she peed,                              
And the doctor agreed.                                      
He gave her a bug-killing spray.                            
                                                            
24519 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1726



There was a young lady named Lorna                          
Whose mother neglected to warn her,                         
Till some uncleanly eremites,                               
Infested with termites,                                     
Corroded her flora with fauna.                              
(eremites - type of Christian hermits)                      
24520 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1931



The problem with hippy hair pits                            
Is the way they all tangled up gets,                        
Till they resemble felt                                     
That ain't fit to be smelt,                                 
And is usually infested with nits.                          
                                                            
24521 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Larry                    



There was a young man from St. Kitts,                       
With an itch that was giving him fits.                      
It seems that a peach                                       
He picked up on the beach                                   
Had left his bed full of strange nits.                      
                                                            
24522 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           John Ciardi              



Poor Melanie, trusting and sweet,                           
Knows her doctor would never mistreat                       
Her. "Your minge has no crabs                               
On account of these jabs",                                  
Says her doctor (while beating his meat).                   
                                                            
24523 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



Madam blamed their new bug on McAdam,                       
Who, in a wild rage, hollered, "Madam,                      
You have dozens of lugs                                     
Who bring you their bugs,                                   
But I'm not the bugger who had 'em!"                        
                                                            
24524 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Grand Prix Lim  244      



There was a young lady from France                          
Who found twenty-nine bugs in her pants.                    
She asked, "Am I dirty?                                     
I'm sure there were thirty;                                 
Can one have crawled up, by mischance?"                     
                                                            
24525 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1916



A frantic young filly named Fitch                           
Cried, "That last fucking sonofabitch                       
Must have give me his bugs;                                 
From my snatch to my dugs,                                  
I am simply one great flaming itch!"                        
                                                            
24526 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1914



The "Muscle Beach" star sits and dabs                       
Gentian violet all over her scabs.                          
Sighs Annette Funicello                                     
As she checks her pubello,                                  
"Thank heavens they're only sand crabs!"                    
                                                            
24527 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Arthur Deex         P8203



A young fellow was being atrocious,                         
To the point of becoming ferocious,                         
Which eventually led                                        
Shrinks to study his head.                                  
Their exam revealed pediculosis.                            
                                                            
24528 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9402



In all Deutschland there weren't many drabs                 
Who put out a lay good as Bab's.                            
But then in some measure                                    
You paid for the pleasure.                                  
Her pubes were all full of crabs.                           
                                                            
24529 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           A. N. Wilkins       P8602



The movie or project "Blair Witch"                          
Will scare all who are poor or rich;                        
But what is most scary,                                     
(No, it's not Hugh Clary!)                                  
Is having a pubic hair itch!                                
                                                            
24530 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



A hermit who had an oasis,                                  
Thought it the very best of places.                         
He could pray and be calm,                                  
'Neath a pleasant date-palm,                                
While the lice on his balls ran races.                      
                                                            
24531 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1500



Since Joe's date was seductively shaped,                    
He proceeded to get her undraped.                           
As they climbed in the sack,                                
He saw moles on her back,                                   
But they ran down her legs and escaped.                     
                                                            
24532 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Don Moore           P9402



I won't screw Juanita von Twitchell;                        
I'm scared that the crabs in her niche'll                   
Bite lumps from my dick;                                    
Breadcrumb them real quick,                                 
And serve them as fresh wiener-schnitzl.                    
                                                            
24533 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



Hair is thin near a high-traffic place;                     
If it's patchy, there's critturs to chase;                  
If it isn't some yeast                                      
That's escaped from the Beast,                              
Apply Rogaine, plus Raid, just in case!                     
                                                            
24534 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



All you amorous ladies from Venus                           
You really don't know what obscene is.                      
It's when lovers most hunt                                  
For the crabs 'round your cunt,                             
Before risking inserting a penis                            
                                                            
24535 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



There was a sad damsel named Mitchener,                     
Who cried when her thing began itchiner.                    
For she'd picked up a bug                                   
For some unwholesome lug,                                   
Which she gave to the next sonofabitchiner.                 
                                                            
24536 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Grand Prix Lim  676 G1940



I tried for some sex in the sand;                           
It was more than I found I could stand.                     
While she was hot,                                          
All that I got,                                             
Was crabs, the size of my hand.                             
                                                            
24537 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Arden                    



A crab working hookers in Natchez,                          
Takes refuge, when one of them scratches,                   
In her nook for a nap,                                      
For the shrewed little chap                                 
Finds he's safest when sleeping in snatches.                
                                                            
24538 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



The crab leads a life full of catches,                      
Regardless to whom it attaches,                             
For it's ducking and darts,                                 
Between fucking and farts,                                  
Half its time is spent sleeping in snatches.                
                                                            
24539 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Bob Giandomenico    P9402



The poor little crab when he hatches                        
Will be lucky to find hair in patches.                      
Then he hollers, "Doggone ya,                               
I am plagued with insommnia,                                
For I find that I'm sleeping in snatches!"                  
                                                            
24540 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Albin Chaplin       P9206



Fido's coat was infested with fleas.                        
Some jumped way down his mistress' chemise.                 
"Oh dear, how I itch!                                       
These fleas are a bitch!                                    
Someone help me to do a striptease!"                        
                                                            
24541 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



As he fucked the lewd bitch in a ditch,                     
He said, "Something keeps making me itch.                   
So you either have crabs                                    
Or venereal scabs,                                          
But I won't take time now to see which."                    
                                                            
24542 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1909



For a walk in the park went Miss Minter;                    
A man had the thought to imprint her.                       
On this fine day in fall,                                   
She was fucked near the wall,                               
But she showed him where crabs spend the winter.            
                                                            
24543 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1732



Said an itchy young squaw of Wenatchee:                     
"You sexum me--no chief can matchee.                        
Me feelum bad--ugh!                                         
You givum squaw bug?                                        
Alla time me feel itchy, me scratchee."                     
                                                            
24544 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Grand Prix Lim  873 G1963



There was a young lady named Nance,                         
Who had ants in the seat of her pants.                      
And when they bit her bottom,                               
She yelled, "Jesus, God rot 'em!                            
I can't do the St. Vitus dance."                            
                                                            
24545 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1111



The best cure for crabs, Doctor Klatch,                     
Assuming you've started from scratch --                     
Then tweezers, then razor,                                  
Then crowbar, then laser --                                 
A string and a mirror attach.                               
                                                            
24546 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Irving Superior     P8305



Last time I went to see Babs,                               
I hoped for a good fuck perhaps.                            
Once there, changed my thinking;                            
The fat whore was stinking,                                 
And her puss was infested with crabs.                       
                                                            
24547 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



There was a lesbian named Elise,                            
Whose pubic hair hung to her knees.                         
So the crabs got together                                   
And knitted a sweater,                                      
So in winter, they wouldn't freeze.                         
                                                            
24548 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                                    



Young Millicent, sweet and curvaceous,                      
Had suffered from crabs most tenacious,                     
Voracious and tough                                         
In the fluff of her muff                                    
'Til she trimmed off her borders herbaceous.                
                                                            
24549 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Peter Wilkins            



The wandering singer did say                                
That, much as he wanted to stay,                            
She had buckets of crabs,                                   
Running sores and old scabs,                                
And she'd be that lost minstrel's last lay.                 
                                                            
24550 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1953



Insects crawling up in my snatch --                         
A horrible and nasty bad catch!                             
It's probably crabs,                                        
From his bloody scabs;                                      
It's too late to close down the hatch.                      
                                                            
24551 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Archie                   



A neat, but not gaudy, lewd bitch                           
Is the way that I thought of Miss Fitch.                    
But I quit going 'round                                     
To her crib when I found                                    
It took weeks to get shut of that itch!                     
                                                            
24552 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               G1900



An impatient teenager named Hitchin                         
Was screwed on the floor of the kitchen.                    
This short, hot romance                                     
Left her ants in her pants,                                 
And a twitch in her twatch that keeps itchin'.              
                                                            
24553 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Grand Prix Lim  357 G1919



I saw my first crab at the beach.                           
It was not where biologists teach.                          
'Neath the boardwalk it was,                                
And it crawled in the fuzz                                  
Of a chippie whose snatch was a peach.                      
                                                            
24554 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Don Moore           P0305



His girlfriend, PERFIDIOUS pain,                            
Could not to his way explain,                               
Though he was quite clean,                                  
How her pubic scene                                         
Housed crabs there, again and again.                        
                                                            
24555 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Chris Papa               



I sit here with cunt full of lice;                          
Seems I've tried other remedies thrice;                     
But applying a cream                                        
Of that good Vaseline,                                      
Seems to choke out the buggers real nice.                   
                                                            
24556 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Hippieital               



The greatest invention of Zoe;                              
While others with crabs crazy go,                           
And scratch what they've got,                               
Zoe thought and he thought,                                 
Then went and invented VELCRO.                              
                                                            
24557 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Irving Superior     P9403



Sympathetic old Angus McNabb                                
Said, on finding he harbored a crab,                        
"You poor lonely bastard,                                   
If I hadn't got plastered,                                  
You'd still be in that cat house on Bab!"                   
                                                            
24558 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Grand Prix Lim  716      



There was an old man at the Terminus,                       
Whose bush and whose bum were all verminous.                
They said: "You sale Boche!                                 
You really must wash                                        
Before you start planting your sperm in us."                
                                                            
24559 DISEASE - VD - CRABS                               L1124



With crabs, his old ball-hairs just seethe;                 
Old ones and young ones with teeth.                         
On his scab covered prick,                                  
He likes them. He's sick!                                   
When he dies, they'll weave miniscule wreaths.              
                                                            
24560 DISEASE - VD - CRABS           Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl to the druggist did say,                             
"I am bothered by bugs in my hay."                          
"I see what you mean,                                       
You need Paris green,                                       
To be rid of the things right away."                        
                                                            
24561 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                      L1118



The results of this piece of mischance,                     
Were disastrous, you'll see at a glance.                    
First died bugs, then went trees,                           
Then her pet Pekinese,                                      
And two gentlemen just in from France.                      
                                                            
24562 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                      L1119



"Most crabs are romantic," he said.                         
"While humans are screwing in bed,                          
With all of that pumping,                                   
They're down to up jumping,                                 
And often they quickly get wed.                             
                                                            
24563 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Irving Superior     P9403



Though sometimes they hang by a thread.                     
Crushed by a descending head.                               
End up in an abyss instead.                                 
Drowned in an orgasmic shed.                                
But often they quickly get wed.                             
                                                            
24564 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Irving Superior     P9403



There once was a pro named Louise;                          
Had pubic hair down to her knees.                           
So the crabs got together                                   
And knitted a sweater,                                      
So her poor little snatch wouldn't freeze.                  
                                                            
24565 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



Jealous, one hooker, Adore,                                 
With tits hanging down to the floor,                        
She flung them about                                        
Beat Louise in a bout,                                      
And tore up her sweater in four.                            
(must be four rounds - McW)                                 
24566 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



The crabs they went all in a tizzy;                         
Made Adore scratch so hard she was dizzy;                   
Invaded her sheets,                                         
And bit up her teats.                                       
I'd say that was one itchy mizzy.                           
(itchy mizzy is a Japanese sports car - McW)                
24567 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



She demanded I gave her affection                           
Then opened her thighs for inspection;                      
I found her quite nice                                      
'Til I noticed the lice                                     
And immediately lost my erection.                           
                                                            
24568 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Anon                     



You get some quite good cream in tubes,                     
Just massage it all over your pubes.                        
It gets a bit sticky,                                       
But you're not too picky,                                   
Going for pubic lice chicks with big boobs.                 
                                                            
24569 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Jayne                    



A lassie from Florida Keys                                  
Taught me about birds and bees.                             
I shouldn't have paid;                                      
Not only got laid,                                          
But a case of the crabs and the fleas!                      
                                                            
24570 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Dave Jersey              



Crabs and fleas are really the pits,                        
Even worse than a case of the zits.                         
And so to stay clean,                                       
If you know what I mean,                                    
Stay away from strange Florida slits.                       
                                                            
24571 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Mike H                   



You really should take more care                            
When fooling around down there.                             
Crabs and fleas aren't the worst                            
With which you'd be cursed.                                 
Remember, latex is safer than bare.                         
                                                            
24572 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Kaylin Brandon           



Old Travis is sly as a fox;                                 
Of women, he seems to have flocks.                          
And speaking of crabs,                                      
I hear he just grabs                                        
Them and eats them right out of the box.                    
                                                            
24573 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Observer                 



Is this just a rumor...or truth?                            
A habit he learned in his youth?                            
Is he a gourmet                                             
Of sea-food buffet,                                         
Or is he just being uncouth.                                
                                                            
24574 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Observer                 



Oh Babs you've got wonderful eyes,                          
And your hair is so thick and so nice.                      
On your back it hangs down;                                 
Such a fine golden brown.                                   
'Tis a shame that it's riddled with lice.                   
                                                            
24575 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                           



Oh Babs how I longed for your smile,                        
I waited for such a long while.                             
But those teeth, brown and green!                           
And halitosis obscene!                                      
I found my mouth filling with bile.                         
                                                            
24576 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                           



You had all the visual charms,                              
But you never washed under your arms,                       
Never heard of deo-                                         
dorant, had you?  Oh no!                                    
The aroma was doing me harm.                                
                                                            
24577 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                           



But the final straw, my dear Babs,                          
Was your pussy, infested with crabs.                        
There was but one solution                                  
To this source of pollution...                              
Now she's buried 'neath those concrete slabs.               
                                                            
24578 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                           



Miss Mary at seventy-three,                                 
Still had her virginity.                                    
Discovered an itch                                          
In her female ditch;                                        
Thus, wanted a doctor to see.                               
                                                            
24579 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                           



Doc said that crabs were her vex.                           
Mary said, "But I have not had sex.                         
Another I'll see                                            
Who can diagnose me.                                        
I'll see what that doctor detects."                         
                                                            
24580 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                           



The next doctor did realize                                 
The problem 'twix poor Mary's thighs.                       
"Crabs you have not;                                        
Your cherry has rot,                                        
And the itching is caused by fruit flies."                  
                                                            
24581 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES                           



For crotch lice there is an old trick                       
To killing the bastards, real quick.                        
In your thatch, shave a patch,                              
To the rest, light a match.                                 
As they run, stab them dead with a pick.                    
                                                            
24582 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Frank Fazed              



If stabbing's too harsh, here's another;                    
You'll kill every louse and his brother.                    
It is not quite so mean,                                    
Just smear Vaseline,                                        
Then look on and watch the bunch smother.                   
                                                            
24583 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Frank Fazed              



Now don't be rash and act like a fool;                      
You must take care where you put your tool.                 
'Cause you cannot be sure                                   
Who has been there before,                                  
And the outcome can be very cruel.                          
                                                            
24584 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Anon                     



Be wary of gals who are mincers;                            
Of fast and free shags, they're convincers.                 
But when you withdraw,                                      
Your rod will be raw                                        
And covered with things that have pincers.                  
                                                            
24585 DISEASE - VD - CRABS - SERIES  Frank                    



This does remind me of disgrace                             
Of certain things once that took place.                     
I was giving affection                                      
To a girl with infection,                                   
And came down with athlete's face!                          
                                                            
24586 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE                                   



There was a young lady named Ash                            
Who suffered a horrible rash.                               
He scratched where she flaked,                              
And her vagina felt raked,                                  
So she pounded herself into hash.                           
                                                            
24587 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Anon               TP9804



A now-wiser coed named Lillian,                             
Whose urine turned brilliant vermillion,                    
Cursed aloud to her sisters,                                
"All this blood plus the blisters --                        
Those guys at that goddamned cotillion!"                    
                                                            
24588 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Armand E Singer       360



There was a young lady from Lester,                         
Who allowed all the boys to molest her.                     
She was gentle and kind,                                    
But those traits, you may find,                             
Spread diseases that burn, itch and fester.                 
                                                            
24589 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          John Ciardi              



When the king caught a loathsome disease,                   
He uttered with oaths some decrees,                         
"All ladies with blotches                                   
Of green in their crotches,                                 
Must burn all their clothes so they'll freeze.              
                                                            
24590 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Laurence Perrine    P8512



A faithless young mistress named Lydia                      
Contracted the shame of chlamydia;                          
It not only hurt               (It not only pained her,     
Her man said, "You flirt,"     (Her man nearly brained her) 
And added, "You cunt, I'll get rydia."                      
                                                            
24591 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Armand E Singer       559



A star-crossed young hooker named Lydia                     
Got dosed up but good with chalmydia;                       
Though sex was her goal                                     
She blowtorched her hole,                                   
And told all the boys, "Now I'm rydia."                     
                                                            
24592 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Armand E Singer P0109 559



On the phone with good Doctor Dupree,                       
The abbess thought, "What can it be?"                       
"It's poor Sister Lydia,                                    
And her case of chlamydia."                                 
"Oh, thank God!  I'm so sick of Chablis!"                   
                                                            
24593 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



We know a young lady named Lydia                            
Who was badly beset by Chlamydia.                           
She said, "Penicillions                                     
I've had by the millions,                                   
But I still cannot seem to get rydia."                      
                                                            
24594 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Calvin Openshaw     P8209



Oh Abelina, that old gal of mine,                           
With her ass full of shit and her cunt full of slime!       
When she got started                                        
She pissed and she farted,                                  
And shat yellow maggots all over the carpet.                
                                                            
24595 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE                              G1938



'Twas not what the doctor first thought.                    
That unpleasant stuff that she'd caught.                    
It couldn't have been.                                      
She'd never known men,                                      
And toilets don't harbor that rot.                          
                                                            
24596 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Larry Davis         P8604



So just what could her problem be?                          
It hurt her so, taking a pee.                               
A search of her gear                                        
Soon made the facts clear;                                  
She'd contracted dildo VD.                                  
                                                            
24597 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Larry Davis         P8604



A grimy old harlot of Chester                               
Stunk bad and no man would request her.                     
She got back in the groove                                  
And the lodge did approve,                                  
When she offered a sore that did fester.                    
                                                            
24598 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-1707



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee                                     
Has tits that will float on the sea.                        
These silicone pouches                                      
Just love casting couches,                                  
And that's where she got her V.D.                           
                                                            
24599 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Jeeves                   



A filthy old whore, a Maltese,                              
Was stricken with Hooker's Disease,                         
In one of its forms,                                        
Where virulent storms                                       
Of germs will attack just like fleas.                       
                                                            
24600 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Armand E Singer P0109 625



They tell of a lass named Regina                            
Who fucked half of North Carolina.                          
She became very rich                                        
But developed an itch                                       
And sores all over her vagina.                              
                                                            
24601 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



The once-esteemed Lady Hortense                             
Contracted from one of our gents,                           
A social bequest,                                           
She passed on to the rest,                                  
With what we feel was malice prepense.                      
(prepense - contrived, thought out)                         
24602 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          John Ciardi              



A careless young girl of Baghdad                            
Divulged why diseases she had.                              
She had no time to marry,                                   
Each Tom, Dick and Harry,                                   
And she said that she wanted it bad.                        
                                                            
24603 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-1701



Said a girl with a lisp from Gore,                          
"My vaginath incredibly thore.                              
There ith thomething amith                                  
When I take a pith.                                         
I don't think I'll have thex anymore!"                      
                                                            
24604 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          CyberCelt           T9712



The doctors told poor Cindy Lee,                            
"We find that you've got P.I.D.;                            
What this means, we all fear,                               
Better open your rear --                                    
The front end's completely N.G.!"                           
(P.I.D. - pelvic inflammatory disease,  chonic pain, etc.)  
24605 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Armand E Singer       519



There once was a man named Casey,                           
Whose wife, they say, was quite racy.                       
She developed a rash                                        
Which she'd earned in her past,                             
And indeed, his departure was hasty.                        
                                                            
24606 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Brandy                   



A feisty young female named Vitas,                          
Whose doc diagnosed salpingitas,  (vaginal inflamation)     
Swore, "If I must be blunt,                                 
I'll squirt lye up my cunt;                                 
Those bugs just don't know what a fight is."                
                                                            
24607 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Armand E Singer       726



A desperate young woman named Joyce                         
Caught "Mr. Right" with her sweet voice.                    
But it was quite the bummer,                                
With that sore on his cummer,                               
She found she had made the wrong choice.                    
                                                            
24608 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Daphne's looks are completely imperial,                     
And her style of love-making ethereal.                      
She's erotically active                                     
And intensely attractive.                                   
What a shame her disease is venereal!                       
                                                            
24609 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Isaac Asimov             



There once was a lady from Ulva,                            
Who had a magnificent vulva...                              
She used it with ease,                                      
And got a disease,                                          
And now she treats it with sulfa.                           
                                                            
24610 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE                                   



A filly named Millie McPherson                              
Leased the sexual rights to her person.                     
Her amour seem to please                                    
Till a social disease                                       
Started customers raving and cursin'.                       
                                                            
24611 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Grand Prix Lim  137      



Down on the Panamanian Isthmus                              
We girls all got vaginismus.                                
It's not really V.D.                                        
We're still able to pee.                                    
So, to the boys who did it -- "Merry Christmas."            
                                                            
24612 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Ed Wolfert               



There once was a young girl named Lee,                      
Who never charged a large fee.                              
Make love, not war;                                         
Much better if more.                                        
She died of an bad STD.                                     
(STD - sexually transmitted disease)                        
24613 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Black Daisy              



Love letters they no longer write us,                       
To their homes they so seldom invite us.                    
It grieves me to say,                                       
They have learned with dismay,                              
We can't cure the vulva pruritis.                           
                                                            
24614 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE                              L0124



A rosy-cheeked lass from DunEllen,                          
Whom the Hoboken sailors call Helen,                        
In her efforts to please,                                   
Spread a social disease,                                    
From New York to the Straits of Magellan.                   
                                                            
24615 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE                              L1690



Her cunt went up for inspection.                            
He used rubber gloves for protection.                       
He cracked it with ease,                                    
And saw all the cheese,                                     
And said, "Now that's a fucking yeast infection!"           
                                                            
24616 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE                                   



Some dextrous old ladies from Natchez                       
Could open beer cans with their snatches                    
(Which is fun till your crease                              
Gets infected with yeast,                                   
And it burns like a whole book of matches!)                 
                                                            
24617 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Sean Medlock        T9707



A three hundred pound Lebanese,                             
Got lucky in Los Angelese.                                  
This small indiscretion                                     
Cause a big yeast infection;                                
She's now known as "Whopper with Cheese!"                   
                                                            
24618 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Minders            TP9802



I once knew a yeasty young lass;                            
A bright bubbly broad, piece of ass,                        
Whose frothing when aged,                                   
Was soon disengaged,                                        
Owing I fear, to excess gas.                                
                                                            
24619 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Chris Papa               



No ladies came up with an itch,                             
A rhyme for word YEASTY to pitch.                           
The fungus so grievous                                      
Takes hold and does leave us                                
On broom, feeling mean, like a witch.                       
                                                            
24620 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Elois                    



Miss Polly received a surprise                              
On her checkup with good Dr. Wise;                          
"I find, on inspection,                                     
A strange yeast infection:                                  
And your buns have started to rise."                        
                                                            
24621 DISEASE - VD - FEMALE          Bill Edwards        P9101



Said a streetwalker's John from Salinas,                    
"Woman, let no latex come between us --                     
For I had a vasectomy                                       
Last month in Schenectady."                                 
Now he's blessed with a bumpy green penis.                  
                                                            
24622 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Lynn Mostafa             



After spending the night with a whore,                      
Wash with soap, just to be sure.                            
'Cause what good's a stud                                   
With the creeping crud,                                     
And a crotch with a lingering spoor.                        
                                                            
24623 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Norm Brust               



An infected young whore named Dolores                       
Had promised to service old Morris.                         
So she offered her colon,                                   
Since her portal was swollen                                
By that dreaded disease called cuntsorus.                   
                                                            
24624 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Bob Birch           P0109



Elizabeth, Betsy, and Bess,                                 
I met on the shores of Loch Ness;                           
We went skinny-dipping,                                     
And now I am dripping.                                      
Those tarts got me in a fine mess.                          
                                                            
24625 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Allen Wolverton          



There was a young woman named Flo                           
Who was constantly on the go.                               
Till she caught a disease                                   
That buckled her knees                                      
And now we know Flo is a 'ho'.                              
                                                            
24626 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



With the hooker, one must be aware                          
Of the gifts she will willingly share.                      
You'll take home disease;                                   
It will hurt when one pees,                                 
If you do with an organ that's bare.                        
                                                            
24627 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



There was an American whore                                 
Whose cunt was a festering sore.                            
She caulked it with pitch                                   
Till the bloody old bitch                                   
Was A-1 at Lloyd's evermore.                                
                                                            
24628 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                             G1966



But with Earthly success not content,                       
She grew pious -- to Heaven she went.                       
Son, Father, and Ghost                                      
And the heavenly host                                       
Have all got the double event.                              
(double event - poxed and clapped at the same time)         
24629 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                             G1967



A tart lives in old Sacramento;                             
Such boobs!  Man, she drives me demento!                    
But under her drawers,                                      
Are all kinds of sores,                                     
And twat-cheese that looks like Pimento!                    
                                                            
24630 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



Oh, dear, I was raised in the city!                         
The animals here are just bitty.                            
But they're cute and sweet;                                 
We keep 'em trimmed neat,                                   
And everyone thinks that they're pretty.                    
                                                            
24631 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Marlene Lewis            



Brick shithouse that's built like a fort.                   
Delicious fresh quimberry torte.                            
Quite flattering lies.                                      
Deep come-hither eyes.                                      
A butt cheek with one hairy wart.                           
                                                            
24632 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         H                        



I was getting some serious wood,                            
'Til you mentioned the wart, where it stood                 
All covered with hair,                                      
But now, be aware,                                          
I've started to salivate good.                              
                                                            
24633 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



So do me a favor, my friend,                                
And bite this young girl on the end,                        
And lay on the drool,                                       
And chew it to gruel,                                       
And swallow the spit-gristle blend.                         
                                                            
24634 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



Young Beth, who would bathe while I'd watch,                
Joanne, who'd get giggly on scotch,                         
Marie's swaying hips,                                       
Miranda's pert nips,                                        
Joan's gold hair caressing my crotch.                       
                                                            
24635 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Tiddy Ogg                



A cheap whore is something, me lad,                         
That you'll wish that you never had had.                    
The cheaper the whore,                                      
The bigger the sore.                                        
If your dickie falls off -- that's too bad.                 
                                                            
24636 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Marlene Lewis            



To me this just may explain                                 
Why my groin is in terrible pain.                           
It's red, itchy, and sore                                   
From shagging that whore;                                   
I'll think twice before coming again.                       
                                                            
24637 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



An old sailor told me of queuing                            
For a whore that his mates were all screwing,               
But he ran from that place                                  
'Cause his dick couldn't face                               
That hole with so many men's goo in.                        
                                                            
24638 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



It happened long past, down in Rio,                         
Or that's what that fellow told me-o,                       
But lack of erection                                        
Meant no disinfection,                                      
Of dreaded pox he remained free-o.                          
                                                            
24639 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                                  



There once was a prominent banker                           
Who had syphilis, clap and a chancre,                       
And he caught this fine trio                                
From a harlot In Rio,                                       
So he wrote her a letter to thank her.                      
                                                            
24640 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS         Jim Weaver Collection    



A sailor at Bangor cast anchor,                             
With syphilis, buboes, and chancre.                         
All this, and some more,                                    
He'd got from one whore,                                    
So he wrote her a letter to thank her.                      
                                                            
24641 DISEASE - VD - HOOKERS                             L1074



Back in the days of old Sodom,                              
'Toga Party' meant fuck someone's bottom.                   
If you got a disease                                        
From the hole that makes breeze,                            
It would invade your balls and just rot 'em.                
                                                            
24642 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Nasty Turshum            



The films in the Air Force were crude.                      
What had to protrude, would protrude.                       
What had to gangrene,                                       
In close-up was seen.                                       
Subtitles: "How Screwers Get Screwed."                      
                                                            
24643 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Irving Superior     P9409



I went on a jungle excursion                                
On a mission of Christian conversion.                       
I came back, if you please,                                 
With a social disease,                                      
And converted to native perversion.                         
                                                            
24644 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      John Miller 0343         



So what might this perversion be?                           
Do the jungle folk screw while they pee?                    
Are they heroin junkies                                     
Who like to shag monkies,                                   
Whilst swinging from vine back to tree?                     
                                                            
24645 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Cheryl                   



Let Nurse see what disease you've got.                      
Oh my! Your tool's not looking so hot.                      
It's swollen and red;                                       
Twice as big as your head;                                  
A classic case of the old "Jungle Rot."                     
                                                            
24646 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Cheryl                   



When young and a virgin I went                              
To the jungle and slept in a tent.                          
But I felt quite unwell                                     
In that tropical hell,                                      
And returned to ask nurse what it meant.                    
                                                            
24647 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



"Do you thing I've got Jungle Tool Rot?"                    
I enquired, "'Cause it's swollen and hot."                  
But my nurse said to me,                                   "
"It's not rot, don't you see?                               
That's a normal erection you've got."                       
                                                            
24648 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



"It isn't some dreadful disease,"                           
Said my nurse as she gave me a squeeze.                     
"It's a natural reaction                                    
To sexual attraction.                                       
Now get on this couch if you please."                       
                                                            
24649 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



I climbed up and lay on my back,                            
And said, "Nurse, I'm a virgin and lack                     
The experimental touch."                                    
But she started to clutch                                   
Me and asked me to fondle her crack.                        
                                                            
24650 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



Well, I fondled her crack and I came.                       
(That's untrue, but the truth's a bit lame;                 
'Cause I came well before                                   
I could start to explore                                    
Her: the thought is still causing me shame.)                
                                                            
24651 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



Embarrassed I said, "Do you mind?"                          
She said, "No, but your symptoms are kind                   
Of like premature e-                                        
Jaculation, you see;                                        
And the cure is easy to find."                              
                                                            
24652 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



"So Jungle Rot's not what I've got?"                        
I enquired. she replied, "No it's not.                      
Let me clean off the mess                                   
That you've made on my dress                                
And we'll give it another good shot."                       
                                                            
24653 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



She insisted on giving me head,                             
So we spent the next month in her bed.                      
And she taught me the knack                                 
Of exploring her crack.                                     
But my thing is still swollen and red.                      
                                                            
24654 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT      Peter W                  



An historian named Poppencott                               
Got infected with tropical rot.                             
While gathering data                                        
He smeared his spermata                                     
All over a Red Cross girl's cot.                            
                                                            
24655 DISEASE - VD - JUNGLE ROT                          G1947



There was a young fellow named Linus,                       
An expert at eating vaginas.                                
But he made a bad slip                                      
And ate one with a drip:                                    
And developed a bad case of the sinus.                      
                                                            
24656 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Albin Chaplin 3024  G1929



Lament from a lover named Rick:                             
"I hurt though it's true I'm not sick;                      
Craving chicks is a curse,                                  
But I've something much worse:                              
A boil on the end of my dick."                              
                                                            
24657 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Armand E Singer       766



Said the Queen, spreading her regal Queeness,               
"Dad, I notice your right royal he-ness                     
Has a dull purple end...                                    
I don't wish to offend,                                     
Is it buboes, or just plain old meaness?"                   
(buboes - lymph node swelling caused by pox, clap or plague)
24658 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Grand Prix Lim  443 G1949



Our Klingon friend, Lieutenant Worf,                        
Screwed a sheep while on leave near a wharf.                
Time came to pass,                                          
And he sloughed off his ass,                                
For he'd picked up a case of the orf.                       
                                                            
24659 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Actaeon                  



John thought of his wife as a bore;                         
He went out and fucked him a whore.                         
He knew he was bad                                          
When his pecker turned plaid,                               
And fell off straight on to the floor.                      
                                                            
24660 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Mel Prophet              



A canny old fellow of Chester                               
Advised a young girl he could best her,                     
And he did for a while.                                     
But he soon lost his smile,                                 
When his pecker proceeded to fester.                        
                                                            
24661 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1706



The slowest gun west of Fort Breeze                         
Was a French cowboy, Marcel Chemise.                        
He eschewed the saloon,                                     
Dusty streets at high noon,                                 
But he died of a social disease.                            
                                                            
24662 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Limericks For John  P9507



I'm bathing in oil, care to join me?                        
It helps cure this spot on my loin, see?                    
It's my social life's ruin,                                 
This spot I got screwin'                                    
This hooker I got for a coin, see?                          
                                                            
24663 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Jim Weaver Collection    



A wanker was King Ferdinand;                                
He thought masturbation was grand.                          
He stopped doing the act                                    
When the shank that he whacked,                             
Got a social disease from his hand!                         
                                                            
24664 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Writerman                



Have you ever met Jamie McBeezes?                           
He does any damn thing he pleases.                          
Says Jamie, undaunted,                                      
"If you've got it, then flaunt it!"                         
But he's referring to social diseases.                      
                                                            
24665 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Jim Weaver Collection    



After shafting those hot orgy bitches,                      
My scrotum's all red and it itches,                         
And will not stop oozing                                    
Which is not amusing,                                       
As I unpeel my balls from my britches.                      
                                                            
24666 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Frank                    



Of doctors, I am a real cynic;                              
I know I should go to the clinic.                           
But I've taken a scraping                                   
From inside my plaything;                                   
Does green pus mean I'm syphilitic?                         
                                                            
24667 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Frank                    



Syphilitic? I really think not.                             
You haven't screwed syphyllitic twat!                       
So forget all that fuss                                     
'Bout oozing green puss...                                  
She sneezed only your dick -- just green snot!              
                                                            
24668 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Tutta Gioia              



There's a girl there on Marathon Key,                       
Who gave my pal Flip the V.D.                               
Evil ways are a curse.                                      
Still it might have been worse,                             
Had it been heads, it would have been me.                   
                                                            
24669 DISEASE - VD - MALE            John Ciardi              



A careless young stud of Samoa                              
Got a small wad of woo from a hoa,                          
Which proved to displease...                                
Now a famous disease                                        
Makes him vow that he'll hoa no moa!                        
                                                            
24670 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Grand Prix Lim  624      



See the girl, how she runs from the Prince.                 
See him too -- how he flies, how he sprints.                
Then she falls on her back                                  
And alas and alack --                                       
See the aching royal member in splints.                     
                                                            
24671 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Neal Wilgus         P8308



There once was a girl from Westchester                      
Whose boyfriend, on impulse, undressed her.                 
But this action, so coarse,                                 
Filled him deep with remorse,                               
For his penis soon started to fester.                       
                                                            
24672 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                G1964



When the fighting is over, you'll see.                      
Guys with syph or the clap will all be                      
Kept in to the man                                          
By Eleanor's plan                                           
Until they get cured of VD.                                 
                                                            
24673 DISEASE - VD - MALE            A. N. Wilkins       P8901



In a lewd diplomatic community                              
A charge' claimed he screwed with impunity.                 
But he soon had a shock                                     
From his embassy's doc,                                     
Since he lacked diplomatic immunity.                        
                                                            
24674 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                     



There once was a pilot from K-2                             
Who buggered a girl down in Taegu.                          
He said to the doc,                                         
As he handed him his cock,                                  
"Will I lose both my testicles too?"                        
                                                            
24675 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                G1924



A male prostitute named of Kelly,                           
Spends half of his life on his belly;                       
His many infections                                         
Outnumber selections                                        
One finds in a neighborhood deli.                           
                                                            
24676 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Armand E Singer       962



From a seedy old whore in Hong Kong                         
I contacted the dread Hong Kong dong.                       
Chinese doctors were great.                                 
They said "No amputate,                                     
It fall off by itself before long!"                         
                                                            
24677 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Theo Heller         P9212



You'll find things begin to get rough                       
When the bugs start to gnaw on your stuff.                  
It hurts when those gnawers                                 
Get into your drawers;                                      
When you end with no ballocks, that's tough!                
                                                            
24678 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Grand Prix Lim  933 G1951



The patient, a sad sight to meet,                           
Showed up with spots red as a beet.                         
Which covered his mass,                                     
All caught from a lass,                                     
And not an ice cold toilet seat.                            
                                                            
24679 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Crispy                   



"What's the matter, old chap?"  "Well I came                
Just by chance on this good-looking dame.                   
All was fine, till she got                                  
Me inside her old grot --                                   
Since which, I have not been the same."                     
                                                            
24680 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Joyce Johnson            



To tickle a girl with his foot                              
Was fun for the man from Beirut.                            
Said the doctor, "Now Joe,                                  
This disease of the toe,                                    
Tell me where has your big toe been put?"                   
                                                            
24681 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1713



A cowboy who hailed from Wyoming                            
Finally stopped cathouse roaming.                           
The drip that he had                                        
Was not so damn bad,                                        
But one evening the thing started foaming.                  
                                                            
24682 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Larry J. Davis      P8412



There once was a man, very old,                             
Who did what expected, when told.                           
He met a young lass;                                        
Did her up the ass,                                         
And now his poor pecker grows mold!                         
                                                            
24683 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Crazy Cunt          T9801



Here's to the drug penicillin                               
It will seek out the nastys and kill 'em                    
And you'll be in it's debt                                  
If you happen to get                                        
An attack of acute penis-ill 'n.                            
                                                            
24684 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was young girl from Manchuria                         
Who said, when her lover was scruinga;                      
"The head of your penis                                     
Is quite a bit greenis;                                     
Step around to the doctor--he'll curia."                    
                                                            
24685 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                G1935



A retiring old sailor named Tripp,                          
Had a fling upon leaving his ship;                          
But he failed to use care                                   
In a prostitute's lair,                                     
Which is why Tripp has a postnaval drip.                    
                                                            
24686 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                     



While sitting there spinning his dreidel,                   
With his feet propped up on a table,                        
His scrotum does sag                                        
Like a used-up teabag,                                      
Pouring on chicken soup by the ladle!                       
                                                            
24687 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Jim Weaver Collection    



His conquest of the pretty young sewer  (one who sews)      
Made his masculine confidence soar;                         
For he thought her a maid                                   
Who had never been made,                                    
Till the head of his prick became sore.                     
                                                            
24688 DISEASE - VD - MALE            A. N. Wilkins       P9112



There was an old whore from Castile,                        
Whose favors were thought quite a deal.                     
But the men that she screws,                                
All start singing the blues,                                
When their pricks start to blister and peel.                
                                                            
24689 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Jim Weaver Collection    



A horny young man named Sylvester                           
Took a whore to his room and caressed her.                  
He was proud of his skill,                                  
But the joke was on Syl,                                    
When his pecker proceeded to fester.                        
                                                            
24690 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                G1958



Lamented a cockster named Mitch,                            
"I've known I've the prurient itch;                         
Though dating gets thorny                                   
For somewone this horny,                                    
It's that or castration -- Well, which?"                    
                                                            
24691 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Armand E Singer       653



A scraggly old fucker named Rick,                           
Had a sore on the end of his dick.                          
So great was its size                                       
That it chafed women's thighs,                              
And the pus that it leaked, made 'em sick!                  
                                                            
24692 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                     



An eager young cop from Latrobe,                            
Was assigned by the DA to probe,                            
Into organized vice.                                        
Which he did.  But the price                                
Was the worst case of pustules since Job.                   
                                                            
24693 DISEASE - VD - MALE            John Ciardi              



A smart girl makes out in a day bed;                        
A poor girl makes out in a hay bed.                         
But I know a wife                                           
Who fucks 'em hard twice,                                   
But avoids any dick if it's way red!                        
                                                            
24694 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                     



There once was a traveling miser                            
Who lay with a dame called Eliza.                           
Now he takes no more trips;                                 
He takes shots in the hips--                                
He's a sadder old miser, but wiser.                         
                                                            
24695 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                G1939



The young person from old Aberystwyth,                      
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with,              
Clearly wasn't a maid,                                      
For as Jack was afraid,                                     
She infected the organ he pissed with.                      
                                                            
24696 DISEASE - VD - MALE            A. N. Wilkins       P8507



There was a young fellow named Vinal                        
Who thought his affliction was spinal.                      
But medical examination                                     
Disclosed contamination                                     
From sources more likely vaginal.                           
                                                            
24697 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                G1962



I sing of the lecher DeVries,                               
Afflicted with social disease --                            
Not the usual kind                                          
That perhaps comes to mind:                                 
It ate him from navel to knees.                             
                                                            
24698 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Armand E Singer       904



On a business trip to D.C.                                  
Jack picked up a case of V.D.                               
For ten bucks a shot                                        
He was saved from crotch rot --                             
Changed his style to celibacy.                              
                                                            
24699 DISEASE - VD - MALE                                G1908



A certain young cockster named Mitch                        
Was plagued with an inguinal itch;                          
The doctors guessed whoring                                 
Or possibly scoring;                                        
They couldn't be really sure which.                         
                                                            
24700 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Armand E Singer       794



Fine girls had old Madame McClure,                          
Nine nine point nine nine percent pure.                     
But a fellow named Vance                                    
Picked the wrong one by chance,                             
And it took him a year for the cure.                        
                                                            
24701 DISEASE - VD - MALE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1731



There was a young man of Back Bay,                          
Who thought syphilis just went away,                        
And felt that a chancre                                     
Was merely a canker                                         
Acquired in lascivious play.                                
(Luetic - syphilitic)                                       
24702 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1075



Now first he got acne vulgaris,                             
The kind that is rampant in Paris.                          
It covered his skin                                         
From forehead to shin,                                      
And now people asked where his hair is.                     
                                                            
24703 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1076



With symptoms increasing in number,                         
His aorta's in need of a plumber,                           
His heart is cavorting,                                     
His wife is aborting,                                       
And now he's acquired a gumma.                              
(gumma - rubbery tumor in tertiary syphilis)                
24704 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1077



Consider his terrible plight--                              
His eyes won't react to the light,                          
His hands are apraxic,                                      
His gait is ataxic,                                         
He's developing gun-barrel sight.                           
(apraxic - loss of function , ataxic - spinal syphilis )    
24705 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1078



His passions are strong as before,                          
But his penis is flaccid and sore.                          
His wife now has tabes                                      
And sabre-shinned babies--                                  
She's really worse off than a whore.                        
(tabes - spinal syphilis, see locomotor ataxia)             
24706 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1079



There are pains in his belly and knees,                     
His sphincters have gone by degrees,                        
Paroxysmal incontinence                                     
With all its concomitants,                                  
Brings on quite unpredictable pees.                         
                                                            
24707 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1080



Though treated in every known way,                          
His spirochetes grow day by day.                            
He's developed paresis,                                     
Converses with Jesus,                                       
And thinks he's the Queen of the May.                       
                                                            
24708 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1081



I suppose you will think I'm sarcastic                      
About sexual poses too plastic,                             
But many a fool                                             
Has been led by his tool,                                   
And has ended up syphilitic and spastic.                    
                                                            
24709 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1952



"Syphilis of the toe," said Doc Myna,                       
To his friend and colleague, Earl DeLyna.                   
It's quite clear to me, Earl,                               
That you've been with the girl                              
Who came here with Athlete's Vagina."                       
                                                            
24710 DISEASE - VD - POX             Jim Weaver Collection    



Llewellyn from Wrexham, a Druid,                            
Had sex with old Bronwen of Clwyd;                          
But Bronwen had pox                                         
And her overused box                                        
Was awash with old seminal fluid.                           
                                                            
24711 DISEASE - VD - POX             Peter Wilkins            



Old Bronwyn's much visited box,                             
Indeed, was redolent with pox.                              
But she said with a grin,                                   
"I still let's 'em in,                                      
And then wipes 'em clean with me socks."                    
                                                            
24712 DISEASE - VD - POX             Vic Johnson              



There was a young man of Cashmere,                          
Who purchased a fine Bayadere.                              
He fucked all her toes,                                     
Her mouth, eyes, and her nose,                              
And eventually poxed her left ear.                          
(Bayadere - Hindu dancing girl)                             
24713 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1085



Reportedly Burlington Bertie                                
Cavorted with Gertie at thirty;                             
But Bertie at forty,                                        
Perverted and naughty,                                      
Deserted unfortunate Gertie.                                
                                                            
24714 DISEASE - VD - POX             Tiddy Ogg                



By fifty old Bert had the pox;                              
His balls had had too many knocks.                          
But Gerty was flirty,                                       
Looked about thirty,                                        
And enjoyed a variety of cocks.                             
                                                            
24715 DISEASE - VD - POX             Tiddy Ogg                



A young lady who once had a Jew beau,                       
Found out soon that he'd got a bubo,                        
So when it was ripe                                         
She put in a pipe,                                          
And sucked up the juice through a tube oh!                  
(Published 1870)                                            
24716 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L0778



A young inexperienced boy                                   
Thought it terribly easy to toy                             
With his fiancee's box                                      
Till she gave him the pox --                                
All along she was 'une fille de joie'!                      
                                                            
24717 DISEASE - VD - POX             Robin K. Willoughby P8405



Mrs. Baker was known to be wild,                            
For her husband was built like a child.                     
Seeking manlier cocks,                                      
She contracted the pox...                                   
It all came to light at the trial.                          
                                                            
24718 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1968



There once was a girl from far Rockaway,                    
Whose cunt could be smelled for a block away.               
I went down for a sniff,                                    
And came up with the syph,                                  
So I look down and watch my cock rot away.                  
                                                            
24719 DISEASE - VD - POX             Falcon                   



The spirochete made the squaw lazy,                         
A tomato whose first name was Daisy.                        
Columbus's cook                                             
Took one passionate look.                                   
Al Capone for that reason went crazy.                       
(Al Capone died of syphillis - McW)                         
24720 DISEASE - VD - POX             A. N. Wilkins       P8811



A bawdy young houri of Tiflis                               
Gave all of her customers syphilis.                         
She said, "I intend                                         
To come clean in the end,                                   
But so far I've been mighty damn shiftless."                
                                                            
24721 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1960



A horrid old whore of Uttoxeter                             
Had all the dogs waving their cocks at her.                 
She'd stuffed up her cunny                                  
With dog-roe and honey,                                     
But it did her not good, for the pox et' her.               
(published 1870)                                            
24722 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1340



There once was a doorman punctilious,                       
Whose manner was most supercilious.                         
He opened the door                                          
For a world-famous whore,                                   
And now has a case of syphilious.                           
                                                            
24723 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1948



The amorous Countess von Kellheim,                          
Was wondering, "Just how the hell I'm                       
To cure this damn syph,                                     
That feels just as if                                       
My bottom were lodged in Muspelheim?"                       
                                                            
24724 DISEASE - VD - POX             Mike Tice                



There was a young girl of high station,                     
Who ruined her fine reputation,                             
When she said she'd the pox,                                
From sucking on cocks--                                     
She should really have called it "fellation."               
                                                            
24725 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1220



An amorous cowboy named Morse                               
Confessed to his foreman, "Of course,                       
You must let me go,                                         
But how could I know                                        
A guy could get syph from a horse!"                         
                                                            
24726 DISEASE - VD - POX             Armand E Singer       598



He firstly invented mens cocks                              
And followed with Pandora's Box.                            
But God is a prick;                                         
He helped out Old Nick,                                     
Creating the Genital Pox!                                   
                                                            
24727 DISEASE - VD - POX             Archie                   



But if indeed he's a prick,                                 
Then get him an ambulance, quick.                           
He's covered in pox                                         
From his scalp to his sox --                                
Indeed, he is God-awful sick!                               
                                                            
24728 DISEASE - VD - POX             John Miller              



Spreading the pox, Cortez sealed the fate                   
Of the Aztecs. His captain's first mate                     
Acquired Cupid's Itch                                       
From an Indian bitch,                                       
Thus exchanging the small for the great.                    
(small pox vs great pox)                                    
24729 DISEASE - VD - POX             A. N. Wilkins       P8512



For Jason, the one panacea                                  
Was to fuck (up the ass) his Medea.                         
But the germ in her box                                     
Gave the poor man the pox:                                  
It's reported she had a dire rear.                          
                                                            
24730 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G2717



A rank whore, there never was ranker,                       
Possessed a Hunterian chancre.                              
But she made an elision                                     
By a transverse incision,                                   
For which all her lovers may thank her.                     
(Published 1870)(Hunterian chancre - ??,elision - omission) 
24731 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1116



Poor Phyllis is very distraught,                            
Because of the symptoms she's got.                          
The sores on her face                                       
May mean her disgrace,                                      
That's if Phyllis syphillis caught.                         
                                                            
24732 DISEASE - VD - POX             Irving Superior     P8512



I hear Jenna, the tart from Blackpool                       
Left VD on old Snaggletooth's tool.                         
He traded his sperm                                         
For an STD germ;                                            
Now he's a syphilitic infected fool.                        
                                                            
24733 DISEASE - VD - POX             Snagglettooth            



I remember how Jenna did praise                             
All that come that I left on her face;                      
How she said with a grin                                    
With that sperm on her chin,                                
"That was truly amazing, that blaze!"                       
                                                            
24734 DISEASE - VD - POX             Snaggletooth             



I may sound like I'm from the old school                    
But a guy needs a skin on his tool;                         
When shagging a whore                                       
Who's been shagged before.                                  
It's my number one 'common sense' rule.                     
                                                            
24735 DISEASE - VD - POX             Snaggletooth             



Some syphillic germs in Blackpool                           
Took off and got in the genepool.                           
My limbs I have lost,                                       
And my dick (that will cost);                               
Now I look like a moldy old ghoul.                          
                                                            
24736 DISEASE - VD - POX             Snaggletooth             



A strapping young fellow named Herman,                      
Had a ring round his prick that was permanent.              
All the old docs                                            
Said the ring was the pox,                                  
But he swore it was lipstick or vermin.                     
                                                            
24737 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1101



There was a young girl of Eutoxeter,                        
Who sported a tight-fitting baroque sweater.                
Her mother cried, "Smart?                                   
You look like a tart."                                      
And flung accusations of pox at her.                        
                                                            
24738 DISEASE - VD - POX             Stanley J. Sharpless     



To VD an old man named McClure                              
Lost his nose, and he said, "I'm quite sure                 
That I caught it in Hoxie                                   
From this beautiful doxy.                                   
It was worth it, though, simply to screw her."              
                                                            
24739 DISEASE - VD - POX             A. N. Wilkins       P8512



Some syphillis germs in Blackpool                           
Gave Jenna a look that's uncool.                            
Her limbs she did lose,                                     
And her tits and her nose;                                  
Now she looks like a mouldy old ghoul.                      
                                                            
24740 DISEASE - VD - POX                                      



A luetic young man from Kentucky                            
Felt most unappeasably fucky.                               
He persuaded a dame                                         
Who was halt, blind, and lame;                              
And, at that, he was damnably lucky.                        
                                                            
24741 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1926



There was a young girl of Bavaria,                          
Who thought her disease was malaria.                        
But the family doc                                          
Remarked, to her shock,                                     
"It is in the mercurial area."                              
                                                            
24742 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1082



A Greek who came bearing a gift                             
Left his girlfriend a bit more than miffed;                 
If she had been wary                                        
Instead of so merry,                                        
Perhaps she would not have been syph'ed.                    
                                                            
24743 DISEASE - VD - POX             Norm Storer         P9210



His chest is tatooed with an anchor;                        
His lips are disfigured by chancre --                       
A gift of a sort                                            
From a girl in this port:                                   
Though he never took trouble to thank her.                  
                                                            
24744 DISEASE - VD - POX             Laurence Perrine    P8512



The poxed-up old Bey of Algiers                             
Viewed his pecker amidst scalding tears.                    
And he said to it, "Pete,                                   
You're now nothing but meat,                                
But you've pleasured me nobly for years."                   
                                                            
24745 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1895



There was a young lady of Reading,                          
Who got poxed, and the virus kept spreading.                
Her nymphae each day,                                       
Kept sloughing away,                                        
'Till at last you could shove your whole head in.           
(Nymphae - labia minor)                                     
24746 DISEASE - VD - POX             Cremorne 1882       L1117



Said a veteran cockster named Biff,                         
"If you want it to keep growing stiff,                      
Don't ever take risks                                       
With French odalisques:  (female slave or concubine)        
They will sure as hell leave you with syph."                
                                                            
24747 DISEASE - VD - POX             Armand E Singer       574



A Rajah who ruled in Penang                                 
Felt a terrible itch in his whang.                          
Cried he, "By my life!                                      
I must have a poxed wife!                                   
But which one can she be, in my gang?"                      
                                                            
24748 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1945



An airline hostess honeybun                                 
Screwed a sore-packered son of a gun.                       
Now our lovely young sylphess                               
Is corroded with syphilis,                                  
Till her cunthole and bunghole are one!                     
                                                            
24749 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1920



A sentry on guard in a thicket,                             
Met a milk-maid exposing her wicket.                        
In exchange for some coins,                                 
He united their loins,                                      
And soon after became a pocked picket.                      
                                                            
24750 DISEASE - VD - POX             Bob Giandomenico    P9707



A deaf mute who couldn't say 'Nay'                          
Was stuffed by twelve men in one day.                       
But the good Lord who guards                                
Deaf mutes from wild hards                                  
Gave them pox ere their pricks drew away.                   
                                                            
24751 DISEASE - VD - POX             Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl from Eutoxeter,                      
And all the boys pushed their cocks at her.                 
From one of the cocks,                                      
She contracted the pox,                                     
And poxed all the cocks in Eutoxeter.                       
(published 1870                                             
24752 DISEASE - VD - POX             Cythera's Hymnal    L1125



There was an old man of Molucca,                            
Who wanted his daughter, to fuck her.                       
But she got the best                                        
Of his little incest,                                       
And poxed the old man of Molucca.                           
(Published 1880)                                            
24753 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1110



There was a young girl from Uttoxeter,                      
And the boys used to flash all their cocks at her.          
Till one night she got hot,                                 
And poxed up the lot.                                       
Now the boys just throw bricks and large rocks at her.      
                                                            
24754 DISEASE - VD - POX             Anon                     



I once knew a lady named Roxy,                              
Who seemed like a real foxy doxie.                          
But now I regret                                            
That we ever met,                                           
The cock doc says Roxy was poxy.                            
                                                            
24755 DISEASE - VD - POX             Tiddy Ogg                



Now poxy old Roxy's at fault;                               
She infected you using her vault.                           
Did your pox doctor gloat                                   
As he looked down your throat                               
Saying, "That's not the way you got caught."                
                                                            
24756 DISEASE - VD - POX             Richard Jean             



I'm announcing a pox that defeated;                         
My reaserch on AIDS is completed,                           
Since I've found the direction                              
To avoid the infection                                      
Is to keep my mouth shut and stay seated.                   
                                                            
24757 DISEASE - VD - POX             Hugh Clary               



Since his girl had the clap, Mr. Fritz                      
Decided the rear hole to blitz,                             
Thus avoiding the pox                                       
Which infected her box,                                     
But his pecker has now got the shits.                       
                                                            
24758 DISEASE - VD - POX             Albin Chaplin 3024  P8512



There was a young lady of Grotton,                          
Had to plug up her coosie with cotton.                      
For it was no myth                                          
That the girl had the syph,                                 
She stunk, and her titties were rotten.                     
                                                            
24759 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 L1099



My uncle died in the Great War,                             
From something he caught from a whore.                      
He'd hack and he'd spit,                                    
Vomit, then shit,                                           
And shout, "If I'd only noticed that sore!"                 
                                                            
24760 DISEASE - VD - POX             Luke Sheppard            



A randy young cleric of yore,                               
Was poxed by a wandering whore.                             
"May the Almighty keep us                                   
From disease of the prepuce,"                               
He said as he sliced off the sore.                          
                                                            
24761 DISEASE - VD - POX             Mark Rabnett             



The girl was as hot as they get;                            
Flushed panting, and covered with sweat.                    
When I saw that her box                                     
Was covered with pox,                                       
Any wonder that I got upset?                                
                                                            
24762 DISEASE - VD - POX             John Miller              



A Marine sergeant named William Cox                         
Made confession, then died in the box.                      
His Fidelis was Semper,                                     
He died of distemper,                                       
But some said he'd died of the pox.                         
                                                            
24763 DISEASE - VD - POX                                      



Oscar, a kindly old ox,                                     
One day contracted the pox.                                 
It itched and it burned,                                    
For relief how he yearned;                                  
It spread from his head to his hocks.                       
                                                            
24764 DISEASE - VD - POX             Nancy Henry-Kline   P9306



There was an old broad from the Hague                       
Whose notion of virtue was vague.                           
She'd take on Caucasians,                                   
Blacks, browns, and Eurasians --                            
But wound up with syph and the plague.                      
                                                            
24765 DISEASE - VD - POX             Armand E Singer        57



Conquistadors, muy civilized,                               
Brought Mexico gifts to be prized:                          
No longer depraved,                                         
The Incas were saved                                        
So that they too could be syphillized.                      
                                                            
24766 DISEASE - VD - POX             Norm Storer              



Syphilophobiac Jules                                        
Lives according to hygienic rules.                          
He has never been seen                                      
At a public latrine,                                        
Or in coeducational schools.                                
                                                            
24767 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G1923



A loose-living fellow from Dallas                           
Observed a small sore on his phallus.                       
He rubbed on Ben-Gay,                                       
And the sore went away.                                     
Now he suffers from tabes dorsalis!                         
(tabes dorsalis - syphillis of the spinal  chord)           
24768 DISEASE - VD - POX             Don Boen            P8302



Casanova was wont to complain                               
That romances were often a pain,                            
"For the prettiest lasses,                                  
Love eventually passes,                                     
But syphilis tends to remain."                              
                                                            
24769 DISEASE - VD - POX             A. N. Wilkins       P8512



Into a bordello in Tiflis                                   
Strode the latter-day image of Triphallus.                  
Three whores strove with might                              
To provide him delight,                                     
But the outcome was tertiary syphilis.                      
                                                            
24770 DISEASE - VD - POX                                 G2737



There once was a man with the pox;                          
Who acquired the dick of an ox.                             
He carved it a little                                       
Into a small fiddle,                                        
(The scrotum he fed to a fox).                              
                                                            
24771 DISEASE - VD - POX             Jim Weaver Collection    



A platinum blonde, Goldilocks,                              
Who kept a manage near the docks,                           
Had if off with three bears                                 
Near Wapping-On-Stairs,                                     
And infected them all with the pox.                         
                                                            
24772 DISEASE - VD - POX             Fiona Pitt-Ketthley      



There was a young playboy named Shorty,                     
Who thought of himself as quite sporty.                     
He had plenty of moxie                                      
But he clapped up each doxy,                                
For chancres and clap were his forte.                       
                                                            
24773 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             G1956



His sex life was nothing but AUGHT.                         
The desultory diddling he bought                            
From "Ladies of Night"                                      
Who gave the poor wight,                                    
All the diseases they'd caught.                             
                                                            
24774 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Chris Papa               



An internet whore, Mary Tricks,                             
Now auctions her body for clicks;                           
Transmission of which                                       
Results in an itch:                                         
Chlamydia, herpes, or ticks.                                
                                                            
24775 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Nick                     



Pandora's all-giving; her box                               
Accomodates various jocks.                                  
As spoils of the sport,                                     
They've all of them caught                                  
Chlamydia, chancroid, and pox.                              
                                                            
24776 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Nick Lanyen              



There was a young hooker named Abby,                        
Whose temper made customers flabby.                         
So she had to explain                                       
That the clap was a pain,                                   
And the crabs made her feel very crabby.                    
                                                            
24777 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                                  



In the house of ill-fame that's next door,                  
I've sampled the snatch of each whore.                      
But one of those drabs                                      
Gave me both clap and crabs,                                
So I won't whore next door anymore.                         
                                                            
24778 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             G1910



No, the rotten old crotch of each whore                     
Will feel my John Thomas no more.                           
Some bitch that I mounted                                   
Had crab lice uncounted,                                    
And, Ke-rist! are my genitals sore!                         
                                                            
24779 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             G1911



There was a young woman of Hadley,                          
Who would with a omnibus cad lie.                           
He gave her the crabs,                                      
And besides minor scabs,                                    
The pox, too, she got very badly.                           
                                                            
24780 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             L1100



Old Mick found a scab on his dick                           
And went to the nurse pretty quick.                         
She told him to strip                                       
And then biting her lip,                                    
Said, "Shit, I feel horribly sick!"                         
                                                            
24781 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         PeterW                   



"I'm usually immune to the shocks                           
Of scabby disgusting old cocks.                             
But this is outrageous,                                     
It's highly contageous;                                     
You've crabs, clap, and the pox.                            
                                                            
24782 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         PeterW                   



Cried the frolicsome whores of Tobruk,                      
"Come see us and try out your luck!                         
We've got crotch-rot and scabies,                           
Plus pox, clap and rabies!                                  
You might catch'em all!  Buck a fuck!"                      
                                                            
24783 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                                  



A DISPUTATIOUS "Don Juan"                                   
Would never put a condom on.                                
And though fun in bed,                                      
Passed diseases dread                                       
To most ladies, hither and yon.                             
                                                            
24784 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Chris Papa               



He was a DESULTORY lout,                                    
Tried to make all the gals about.                           
Result of this folly:                                       
AIDS, crabs and by golly!                                   
Diseased tool he'd soon be without.                         
                                                            
24785 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Chris Papa               



But what of them Huddersfield lasses                        
Whose pussies are wide as crevasses,                        
Infested with fleas                                         
And unsavoury cheese,                                       
And emitting obnoxious gases?                               
                                                            
24786 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                                  



A careless young lover named Mitch                          
Was plagued with an inguinal itch,                          
Resulting from fleas                                        
Or social disease --                                        
He never was really sure which.                             
                                                            
24787 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Armand E Singer      794A



Her beauty unearthly, ethereal,                             
Had passionate lovers in serial;                            
Gave sensual pleasure                                       
And just for good measure,                                  
The major diseases venereal.                                
                                                            
24788 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



A taxicab driver in Tiflis,                                 
Told his fare, "Hookers here are so shiftless,              
Few tourists rejoice                                        
Though they have a wide choice                              
Between itches, gon, crabs, clap, and syphillis."           
                                                            
24789 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             G0681



It was dark when he bedded dear Babs,                       
So she didn't notice his scabs.                             
This shows us the danger                                    
Of screwing a stranger;                                     
He got herpes and she gave him crabs.                       
                                                            
24790 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Health tips from a doctor named Roilet"                     
"Drink water from wells, but first boil it;                 
And you won't contract herpes                               
Just from slurping down slurpies,                           
Or syph from the seat of a toilet.                          
                                                            
24791 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Armand Singer       P0305



Promiscuous Jennifer Trapp                                  
Has herpes and syph and the clap,                           
Plus trichomoniasis,                                        
Severe candidiasis,   (fungal disease)                      
And trouble in taking a crap.                               
                                                            
24792 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Armand E Singer     P0109



A hooker named Julie by name;                               
I found to my cost she was game.                            
She had gonorrhea, dandruff and fleas,                      
Attitude, dog breeath, a bad skin disease.                  
She lacked only a good sense of shame.                      
                                                            
24793 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Birko                    



Alas, for the doughty O'Connor                              
Who fucked like a fiend for his honor,                      
'Till a flapper named Rhea,                                 
Colluded to be a                                            
Mother to Lueco and Gonor.                                  
                                                            
24794 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             L1114



Two sisters called Phyllis and Rhea                         
Had shortened their names. Their idea?                      
Their mother, who'd listened                                
For lovely sounds, christened                               
One Syphilis, one Gonorrhea.                                
                                                            
24795 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Laurence Perrine    P8512



The doctor examined Miss Mize,                              
(His verict, alarming but wise);                            
"Mercy me and sweet Jesus,                                  
You've thirty diseases,                                     
Contracted from spreading your thighs."                     
                                                            
24796 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Armand E Singer       836



All the boys call her Petrie Dish Sue;                      
Have a look at her quim, Sonny, do;                         
A bacterial stew,                                           
Protozoans there too;                                       
You feel ill?  Better run to the loo.                       
                                                            
24797 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Allen Wolverton          



A lusty Iranian named Cyrus                                 
For sex was extremely desirous.                             
While making the scene                                      
With a lass not too clean,                                  
He caught syphillis, lice, and a virus.                     
                                                            
24798 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Pedro J. Saavedra   P8203



A Sexually Transmitted Disease,                             
Can cause the most horny to freeze;                         
Warty big scabs,                                            
And those little crabs,                                     
Are transported with relative ease.                         
                                                            
24799 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                                  



The class lecturer lists STD:                               
Syph, Chlamydia, AIDS, etc.,                                
Plus the usual biases                                       
Against trichomoniasis,                                     
Herpes, genital warts, HIV.                                 
                                                            
24800 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Armand E Singer       492



An Indian girl in Belize,                                   
Made a dildo of corncobs and cheese.                        
She fucked it quite boldly                                  
Until it grew moldy,                                        
And gave her six strange STD's.                             
(STD - sexually transmitted disease)                        
24801 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Jim Weaver Collection    



A dirty young fellow, a Banker,                             
Had crabs, pox, syph, and a chancre.                        
He caught all the four                                      
From a rancid old whore.                                    
He should have just stayed as a wanker.                     
                                                            
24802 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Mel England              



Serena's pudendum has blight,                               
What with herpes and crab-things that bite;                 
She has syphilis, pox,                                      
And green cheese in her box,                                
Which she stirs with her fingers each night.                
                                                            
24803 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Peter Wilkins            



A simple young fellow named Hame                            
Had syph and the clap -- what a shame!                      
Was it sister or brother,                                   
Or perhaps his dear mother,                                 
Or one of those whores he should blame?                     
                                                            
24804 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Albin Chaplin   3024-1718



"We got a deal with the bank," Madam Knapp                  
Told the Texan, "So sorry old chap,                         
But we do not cash checks."                                 
"And the bank's part?" asked Tex.                           
"The bank does not spread syph and clap."                   
                                                            
24805 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Michael Weinstein   P9206



A highly confused tourist named Kapps                       
Had to trace out his trip on the maps.                      
He discovered that Tifflis                                  
Was where he got syphilis,                                  
And London was where he caught claps.                       
                                                            
24806 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Albin Chaplin 3024  G0682



I did what I did to Maria;                                  
Now I seek a new panacea;                                   
Some potion or pills                                        
To cure all my ills,                                        
Like syphilis and gonorrhea.                                
                                                            
24807 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Tiddy Ogg                



Mike has just let it be known,                              
The list of her ills has now grown.                         
She now mentions AIDS,                                      
And sores under Band-aids.                                  
You should've been gone once blown.                         
                                                            
24808 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Mike Desso               



There was a young man who said, "If Phyllis                 
Has really given me syphilis--                              
I know she's had tabes                                      
Clap, chancres, six babies--                                
What the hell is there left I can give Phyllis?"            
                                                            
24809 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             G1946



There was a young lady from Ipswich,                        
Who had syphilis, pox, and the itch.                        
In her box, she put pepper,                                 
And slept with a leper,                                     
And ruined the poor son of a bitch.                         
                                                            
24810 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             L1097



I once met this three-breasted whore                        
Long ago in old Singapore.                                  
She had three vaginas,                                      
Well-esteemed throughout China,                             
Each dispensing its own kind of sore!                       
                                                            
24811 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         John Chastaine           



Though the practice of poor Eloise is                       
To play with whomever she pleases,                          
She admits the one hitch is                                 
She suffers from itches,                                    
And various social diseases.                                
                                                            
24812 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL                             G1913



She's got syphillis and gonorrhea,                          
Herpes and diarrhea,                                        
Not to mention the flu                                      
And malaria, too;                                           
Don't go near, lads, just keep very clear.                  
                                                            
24813 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         Tiddy Ogg                



Said the sleazy old squeeze from Belize                     
(With syphilis, chancre and fleas                           
And herpes and clap                                         
And boils in her lap),                                      
"Please cover your mouth when you sneeze!"                  
                                                            
24814 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         John Miller              



Wheezed the sleazy old squeeze from Belize,                 
"Indeed I am seized with disease;                           
I suspect I neglected                                       
To inspect men selected                                     
To tease out my well-ripened cheese!"                       
                                                            
24815 DISEASE - VD - SEVERAL         John Miller              



There once was a time I could think.                        
There once was a time I could drink.                        
Tennis I was playing,                                       
Now what was I saying?                                      
Boy does this CFS stink!                                    
                                                            
24816 DISEASE - VIRAL                                         



I've tried Prozac and drops in the nose,                    
And cold water baths till I froze.                          
Despite pills anti-fungal,                                  
And roots from the jungle,                                  
I'm still sick, from my head to my toes!                    
                                                            
24817 DISEASE - VIRAL                Dot Roberts              



Since I've now had six years off work,                      
It's really not merely a perk.                              
I would earn if I could,                                    
People still think I should,                                
And answer my pleas with a smirk.                           
                                                            
24818 DISEASE - VIRAL                Jennifer Lilley          



A lumberstore owner named Pingles                           
Said, "Not one of my friends comes and mingles.             
I cannot see why                                            
They all pass me by,                                        
When I just told them all, I had shingles."                 
                                                            
24819 DISEASE - VIRAL                Fred Cohen          P8512



There once was a man from Zaire,                            
Who died of Ebola this year.                                
His kidneys and gut                                         
Shot out of his butt,                                       
And his brains bled out of his ear!                         
                                                            
24820 DISEASE - VIRAL                Ben Jacoby               



Despite all our expert's persistence,                       
Diseases can muster resistance.                             
So ebola and flu,                                           
And other things too,                                       
Can threaten our very existence.                            
                                                            
24821 DISEASE - VIRAL                John Miller              



On the Piedmont, the nocturnal breezes                      
Bring reminders of various cheeses,                         
And make inhabitants prattle                                
Of multiform skatole,                                       
And Potomac-engendered diseases.                            
(skatole - chemical compound giving shit its smell)         
24822 DISEASE - VIRAL                Dana Thompson       G1901



A sick Centaur was seeking surcease,                        
Since in life he'd become ill at ease.                      
It pained him to walk                                       
And also to talk;                                           
He had hoof as well as mouth disease.                       
                                                            
24823 DISEASE - VIRAL                Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



Ah yes, it's a shame, fellow listers,                       
The fate of my poor woolly sisters.                         
So where can a man go?                                      
Could try bestial-necro,                                    
It's just mouth and feet that have blisters.                
                                                            
24824 DISEASE - VIRAL                                         



An inmate turned suddenly pale                              
When a bat bit his hand while in jail.                      
And as luck would have it,                                  
The poor bat was rabid,                                     
And the guy wishes he had made bail!                        
                                                            
24825 DISEASE - VIRAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



The jailed guy used his shirt to provide                    
A safe place for the small bat to hide.                     
When he reached in to git him,                              
The frightened bat bit him.                                 
"Now I have to take shots," the man sighed.                 
                                                            
24826 DISEASE - VIRAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



A kindly old midwife named Mavies                           
Was an expert delivering babies;                            
And having done this,                                       
Gave each one a kiss                                        
And a virulent new strain of rabies.                        
                                                            
24827 DISEASE - VIRAL                Beelzebub                



Herpes Zoster is what gives us "shingles"                   
Which hurts us, and itches, and tingles.                    
The name is a spoof --                                      
They won't 'shingle' your roof --                           
But they often make married folksh shingles.                
                                                            
24828 DISEASE - VIRAL                John E Mayhood      P0109



Vaccines were invented by Jenner,                           
Who use mild cowpox to render                               
His patients protection                                     
From smallpox infection,                                    
With the crude methods of an inventor.                      
                                                            
24829 DISEASE - VIRAL                Dr Limerick              



A pitiful twerp name of Cyrus                               
Said, "I dig I'be cobe dowd wid a mbirus;"                  
But he had something worse                                  
Called Chapultepec's Curse;                                 
We interred him last week 'neath the iris.                  
                                                            
24830 DISEASE - VIRAL                Robin K. Willoughby P8512



"These baffling diseases require us                         
To blame spirits," asserts the Papyrus                      
Of Galen. As clients                                        
Of medical science,                                         
We know they are caused by a virus.                         
                                                            
24831 DISEASE - VIRAL                A. N. Wilkins       P8710



Just in case you need something to dread,                   
The West Nile virus has spread.                             
From New England and Maine                                  
To the midwestern plain;                                    
More birds have been discovered, dead.                      
                                                            
24832 DISEASE - VIRAL                Dr Limerick              



In most cases, West Nile will                               
Not make you seriously ill;                                 
But encephalitis                                            
Or else meningitis                                          
Will soon your complacency chill.                           
                                                            
24833 DISEASE - VIRAL                Dr Limerick              



This man with his agonal pain,                              
Whose joint would flare up in the rain,                     
Was even more pissed                                        
If there was only a mist;                                   
A thing he found hard to explain.                           
                                                            
24834 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Edwin J Weinstein        



There was an old person of Prague                           
Who was suddeniy seized with the ague.                      
But they gave him some butter                               
Which caused him to stutter                                 
And cured that old person's plague.                         
                                                            
24835 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young Scotsman from Ayr,                        
Through illness is losing his hair.                         
The trouble he's found                                      
On looking all around,                                      
Is that no one at home seems to care.                       
                                                            
24836 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young Japanese geisha,                          
Who suffered from mild alopecia;                            
She met a young Briton                                      
Identically smitten;                                        
They now run a barber's in Esha.                            
(alopecia - baldness; mange in foxes)                       
24837 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Ron Rubin                



Jack thought that Jill waxed her twat                       
With care, all the way to the slot.                         
But she'd alopecia                                          
Affecting her creasia.                                      
A lucky girl, Jill, was she not?                            
                                                            
24838 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Marlene Lewis            



I don't think that luck is quite true.                      
Who'd want to be all bald, would you?                       
Alopecia affects                                            
Above and below necks.                                      
Did Jack like her shiny scalp too?                          
                                                            
24839 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Marlene Lewis            



She left her fine home for Bohemia,                         
Where lifestyles were odder and steamier.                   
Though she often got laid,                                  
The steep price that she paid,                              
Was acute anorexic bulemia.                                 
                                                            
24840 DISEASE - ZOTHER               John E Mayhood      P0203



The anthrax is safe, so the say;                            
The Feds send both perps on their way.                      
But the keywords here                                       
Are RUMOR and FEAR,                                         
And lets add MEDIA to the fray!                             
                                                            
24841 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Ystap              TP9802



There's something that's happening here;                    
What it is, is not exactly clear.                           
Two cases of anthrax                                        
Have silenced the laugh-tracks;                             
As we quietly stifle our fear.                              
                                                            
24842 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Dr Limerick              



The anthrax was carefully deployed;                         
Aimed at networks and checkout tabloids.                    
And Dems on the hill                                        
All of whom were wished ill,                                
By militias who want them destroyed.                        
                                                            
24843 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Dr Limerick              



A few months ago, we all learned                            
That anthrax lives, frozen or burned;                       
But the weaponized spores                                   
Can't live out-of-doors,                                    
So there's really no cause for concern.                     
(bullshit! - McW)                                           
24844 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Dr Limerick  01-21-02    



A firefighter who was called Fearless Fred,                 
Has a problem each morning in bed.                          
At the time he must rise,                                   
He can't open his eyes,                                     
His arms, body and legs feel like lead!                     
                                                            
24845 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady from Lyme,                           
Who complained of fatigue all the time.                     
"Your mistake, Miss, I think,                               
Is your drugs and your drink,"                              
Said her dad, "To err is sublime."                          
                                                            
24846 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Arthur Pattaffy          



In a train in a station am I,                               
With plasticine porters nearby.                             
And I picture myself                                        
Spending some of my wealth                                  
When the girl with colitis goes by.                         
                                                            
24847 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



Once said the doc, just to spite us,                        
Claimed Lee hadn't bursitis.                                
What he said in one breath                                  
Just scared her to death.                                   
He told her 'twas costochondritis. (sore ribs)              
                                                            
24848 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Edwin J Weinstein        



A horrid disease is the crud.                               
You must nip it right in the bud,                           
Or it will cause shits,                                     
Blue warts on your tits,                                    
And piss that's the texture of mud.                         
                                                            
24849 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Larry Davis         P8512



A famous young doctor named Pease,                          
Discovered a serum with ease.                               
There was one thing for sure,                               
Though he found a good cure,                                
He found no one that had the disease.                       
                                                            
24850 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Albin Chaplin            



There was a young man from Marseilles                       
Who thought he had grit in his eye.                         
Then the French medico                                      
Said, "This may be a blow,                                  
But I think you've developed a sty."                        
                                                            
24851 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Roger Morris             



A three-pack-a-day man named Pease                          
One day said, "I'm all through with these."                 
So the habit he threw                                       
And on toothpicks did chew,                                 
But was felled by the Dutch Elm disease.                    
                                                            
24852 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Albin Chaplin   3024-2741



Sweet Loretta woke up to a shock,                           
And hastened herself to the doc.                            
"It's a discharge," she said,                               
With one hand to her head                                   
While the other hand clutched at her frock.                 
                                                            
24853 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Jeanie                   



The doctor said, "Glad you came 'round.                     
Take your clothes off, my dear, and lie down."              
Then his hand in a glove                                    
Plumbed her tunnel of love,                                 
And massaged her petite hairy mound.                        
                                                            
24854 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Jeanie                   



"How does that feel, Loretta, my dear?"                     
Said the doc as he played round her rear.                   
"It feels mighty fine,                                      
But, Doc, would you mind?                                   
The discharge I have's in my EAR!"                          
                                                            
24855 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Jeanie                   



"Now concentrate, please," said the doc.                    
"I see that you're suffering from shock.                    
I've placed thus my digit,                                  
To stop stop any fidget,                                    
While clearing your ear with my cock.                       
                                                            
24856 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



An epileptic young woman named Camp                         
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp.                        
But the first time he squeezed her,                         
She had a grand seizure,                                    
And broke both his balls and a lamp.                        
                                                            
24857 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Funny Bone               



Johnson, who simply forgot                                  
One day while exceedingly hot,                              
As he lay on his bed                                        
With a cloth on his head,                                   
Should he feed a fever or not.                              
                                                            
24858 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Edwin J Weinstein        



But his wife who should have known better,                  
Got a cold from some God-awful weather.                     
Her best intuition                                          
Said fever needed nutrition,                                
Or was it the reverse altogether.                           
                                                            
24859 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Edwin J Weinstein        



They nearly kissed Tommy goodbybe,                          
'Cause his fever was reaching the sky.                      
Though his goose was near cooked,                           
What they all overlooked                                    
Was his blanket was turned up too high.                     
                                                            
24860 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Edwin J Weinstein        



A man with a jungle disease                                 
That's spread by those small purple fleas                   
Is still able to talk,                                      
But unable to walk...                                       
Laid low by fleabitis tricknees.                            
                                                            
24861 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Bob Birch           P0109



There's a lover of parties named Young,                     
Who got drunk with some broad he had brung;                 
He was feeling quite chipper,                               
Swilled champagne from her slipper,                         
Whence the athletes foot on his tongue.                     
                                                            
24862 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer       724



A scared science writer named Graves                        
Wrote, "Nature at times misbehaves;                         
A humonguous fungus                                         
Is growing among us                                         
And killing off people in waves."                           
                                                            
24863 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer       437



When he learned that his favorite alumnus                   
Had succumbed to a horrible fungus,                         
The jock said, "That's the end                              
Of my monthly stipend,                                      
So I'm saying goodbye to Columbus."                         
                                                            
24864 DISEASE - ZOTHER               William N Nesbit    P0107



There was a sheepherder named Veep                          
Affected by sickness called Gleep.                          
He would run out of gas                                     
From the lead in his ass,                                   
And he got it from buggering sheep.                         
                                                            
24865 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Albin Chaplin   3024-1183



I hope I didn't give you a bug,                             
Last week when we rolled on your rug;                       
So stay in your bed                                         
(Or the bathroom instead),                                  
For I'm coming to give you a hug.                           
                                                            
24866 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



And if you should wake about three in                       
The morning I'll bring you some tea in;                     
And save you a crawl                                        
To the loo from the hall                                    
With a bucket (or summat) to pee in.                        
                                                            
24867 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



Poor Herbert had rank halitosis,                            
Which gave him a dreadful neurosis,                         
But his God-awful breath                                    
Could zap roaches to death,                                 
Now his net is as big as his gross is.                      
                                                            
24868 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Ann Gasser          P9007



A champion knitter, Miss Beadle's                           
Got sick; She's in hospital, Cheadles                       
Best.  Hepatitis                                            
Is what she must fight as                                   
The result of her sharing her needles.                      
                                                            
24869 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old man by the river,                          
Who suffered a pain in his liver.                           
Though harmless, it smarted,                                
And worse, it imparted                                      
A faint inclination to shiver.                              
                                                            
24870 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Mark Wainwright          



His deteriorosis is spreading;                              
His prognisis, he's totally dreading,                       
For his doc say's "I'm sure                                 
There is really no cure;                                    
I'm afraid to the grave you are heading."                   
                                                            
24871 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Cap'n Bean          P0109



Our true love has grown tall as a tree,                     
And has blossomed most beautifully.                         
Every day, every way                                        
I ecstatically say,                                         
"You have grown like a fungus on me."                       
                                                            
24872 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



That lower back pain's called lumbago;                      
Rub in embrocation -- it may go.                            
Beware though, it smarts,                                   
If applied to those parts                                   
Lower down, if you've piles, where the gay go.              
                                                            
24873 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



The gays have their own special cream,                      
Which some hold in quite high esteem,                       
Such loving injection,                                      
Applied with affection,                                     
Could make such a cure just a dream.                        
                                                            
24874 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



A plague-like disease is malaria,                           
The source of widespread hysteria.                          
Find ways to fight                                          
The mosquito bite                                           
Or else the preacher will bury ya.                          
                                                            
24875 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Thomas Patton            



The bad news this month?  There is nary a                   
Disease than which this one is scarier.                     
The good news -- some boffins                               
Have pledged to stop coffins,                               
With vaccine to wipe out malaria!                           
                                                            
24876 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Prof M-G                 



A cowboy out riding the range                               
Discovered a thing rather strange,                          
A bald headed girl                                          
With nary a curl,                                           
Who'd lost all her hair from the mange.                     
                                                            
24877 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A note to the worst Mom on this Earth:                      
So take it for what it is worth.                            
For Wids and Deasil's                                       
Are suffering measles,                                      
And I'm lacking now in my mirth!                            
                                                            
24878 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



Bewailed a young nympho named Celia,                        
Diseased with contagious monilia,   (itchy fungus disease)  
"I do not know which                                        
Is worse -- the wild itch                                   
Or fear lest no man want to feel ya."                       
                                                            
24879 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer       664



It could be the curried vindaloo,                           
As they often pass right through you.                       
But I am a-guessin'                                         
That someone was messin'                                    
With the salad, or even the stew.                           
                                                            
24880 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Anon                     



A young man with a bad case of mumps                        
Turned his balls into two great big lumps.                  
He now screams in pain                                      
Again and again                                             
As they swing 'tween his knees when he humps.               
                                                            
24881 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Tom Patton          P9504



A Parkinson's patient, when wakin',                         
Goes down by herself to the lake 'n'                        
Lies out in the sun                                         
To have her some fun,                                       
By doing some shakin' and bakin'.                           
                                                            
24882 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Travis Brasell           



A Parkinson's patient named Walt,                           
Works nights at 'Ye Burger & Malt                           
Shoppe' doing odd chores,                                   
Like sweeping the floors,                                   
But mainly as shaker of salt.                               
                                                            
24883 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Travis Brasell           



Lamented a hooker named Bea                                 
Who suffered from bad P.I.D., (pelvic inflammatory disease) 
"That sure takes the cake,                                  
There goes my year's take,                                  
And worse, it's so painful to pee!"                         
                                                            
24884 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer     P0109



To the doc went a lady named Bliss --                       
She had pemphigus sores where she'd piss.                   
After treating all year,                                    
Said the doc, "Do not fear,                                 
For it soon will be ready to kiss."                         
(pemphigus - large blisters on skin and mucous membrane)    
24885 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Albin Chaplin   3024-1703



Bill Clinton tries so hard to please --                     
His thing hangs clear down to his knees --                  
But the bend on the end                                     
Interferes with his spend;                                  
Our Pres had Peyronie's disease.                            
                                                            
24886 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E. Singer    P9806



You say your complexion is gray, g-                         
one toward black; they your vision gets vague;              
Then tough luck for you, Bo,                                
Out pops your first bubo --                                 
I'm afraid you're contracted the plague.                    
                                                            
24887 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Robin K. Willoughby P8512



There was an Old Person of Prague,                          
Who was suddenly seized with the plague.                    
But they gave him a shot                                    
Which caused him to squat,                                  
(This last line had better be vague...)                     
                                                            
24888 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Edwardian Leer 041       



Our relationship's purely Platonic;                         
Nothing sexual ever goes on (ick!);                         
Though I throw myself at you,                               
It always falls flat; you                                   
Should catch a plague -- make it bubonic.                   
                                                            
24889 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Robin K. Willoughby P8405



This sleep-around floozy named Patch                        
Had buboes that itched on her snatch.                       
A learned physician                                         
Deplored her condition,                                     
But thought her best bet was to scratch.                    
                                                            
24890 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer       237



There was a young woman named Gladys                        
Who blew the town mayor and for gratis.                     
But she's now not smug,                                     
'Cause he gave her a bug,                                   
That's been labeled plezkiss mifatasstis.                   
                                                            
24891 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Bob Birch           P0109



A satisfied housewife named Leidit                          
Was told sex was bad but denied it.                         
"There's just nothing which                                 
Beats prurient itch;                                        
Don't knock it until you have tried it."                    
                                                            
24892 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer       461



He was just trying to sell tickets                          
For a fundraiser for victims of ricketts.                   
After a pause                                               
He gave up the cause,                                       
Saying: Take vitamin D and you'll kick it.                  
                                                            
24893 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Fabrika Lims             



A cowboy has legs just like wickets,                        
And thinks that they're really the tickets!                 
But folks from the city                                     
Regard him with pity --                                     
They think he's a victim of rickets                         
                                                            
24894 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



I have heard there's a place overseas,                      
Where folks rudely respond to a sneeze;                     
For instead of "Gesundeit"                                  
They say, "Hope you're alright,                             
But please don't give us your disease!"                     
                                                            
24895 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Gerry Busch              



I once knew a young lad named Jeff,                         
Who suffered from a shortage of breath.                     
When told that his wheeze                                   
Shook the leaves in the trees,                              
He said he couldn't hear; he was deaf.                      
                                                            
24896 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Arthur Pattaffy          



A man who lived south of the border                         
Had a wife but could not afford her.                        
He worried so much                                          
About jaguars and such,                                     
He developed a sleeping disorder.                           
                                                            
24897 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Macsam                   



Said the chief to the good Doctor Schweitzer,               
"Tsetse fly see my woman and bites her.                     
Now, when whoopie I make,                                   
She can no stay awake...                                    
I just don't believe that to be right, sir."                
                                                            
24898 DISEASE - ZOTHER               William N. Nesbit   P9701



Pulmonary tuberculosis                                      
Is all very well in small doses.                            
But a gap in the lung                                       
As big as a bung,                                           
Means years while you twiddle your toeses.                  
                                                            
24899 DISEASE - ZOTHER               L. G. Udall              



There once was a sick man named Ted,                        
Who liked it when girls gave him head.                      
One night he had Shaw,                                      
Who came down with lockjaw,                                 
And now his poor penis is dead.                             
                                                            
24900 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a whore from Belize,                         
Who came down with a dreadful disease.                      
When she gave a loud cough,                                 
Both her tits dropped right off;                            
Now she's had to halve all of her fees.                     
                                                            
24901 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Anon                     



A tenor from Stockton on Teas                               
Came down with a dreadful disease.                          
When he gave a loud cough,                                  
Both his balls dropped right off.                           
Now he sings in soprano with ease.                          
                                                            
24902 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Anon                     



He would growl in pain till he would shout                  
Every time with each recurring bout.                        
When under the weather,                                     
"Growl," "Shout" blend together                             
In the Tile Layers's malady, "Grout."                       
                                                            
24903 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



There once was a woman in China,                            
Who shoved pork into her vagina.                            
When her agony                                              
Sent her to the M.D.,                                       
She learned of the worm called Trichina.                    
                                                            
24904 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Rob                      



I sing of two girls, the Eliases,                           
Who suffered from trichomoniasis.                           
Their awsomely large                                        
Vaginal discharge                                           
Infected two thirds of the diocese.                         
                                                            
24905 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer P0109 543



I know a poor fellow named Mick                             
Who has a trigeminal tic;                                   
It starts in his cheek,                                     
Invades his physique,                                       
And jerks him clear down to his prick.                      
                                                            
24906 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Armand E Singer       757



If you have caught a verruca,                               
Which you take to the docs for a look-a.                    
If given a choice                                           
Just scream at full voice,                                  
"No thanks! I'll take a bazooka!"                           
(verruca - skin eruption or sessile barnacle)               
24907 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Joy Clare                



I know what you're all going to say:                        
"It's your fault for spending all day                       
Doing nothing but sport,                                    
And now you are caught --                                   
With swimming pool rot, you can't play.                     
                                                            
24908 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Joy Clare                



Whenever he got in a fury, a                                
Schizophrenic from Upper Manchuria,                         
Had pseudocyesis,              (false pregnancy)            
Disdiadochokinesis,            (???)                        
And haemotoporphyrimuria.      (porphyrin blood disease ? ) 
                                                            
24909 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Anon                     



When thoughts you try to express,                           
Get stuck and cause a big mess,                             
It's the cramp in the brain,                                
Making you lame,                                            
You're suffering from CRS.                                  
                                                            
24910 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



Doctors know with VATICINATION.                             
Don't understand folks' vacillation                         
'Bout pending disease,                                      
When they could with ease                                   
Avoid kids' whoop with vaccination.                         
                                                            
24911 DISEASE - ZOTHER               Daniel Ford              



I am clipping my nails close for you;                       
I'll  get rid of this axle-grease too;                      
'Cause I know how the yeast                                 
Turns a chick to a beast,                                   
With a "don't touch me" ring-a-dang-doo!                    
                                                            
24912 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



A hot-blooded gal in Castella                               
Would do wild things with a fella;                          
'Till one evening she licked                                
Some poor derelict,                                         
And her tongue got the rot and turned yella!                
                                                            
24913 DISEASE - ZOTHER                                        



I hate that big dumb anthropoid,                            
And he is my cousin named Floyd.                            
He is such a twit,                                          
And I must admit,                                           
That he's hydrocephaloid.                                   
                                                            
24914 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



Ten years in the mines for young Kell                       
Mining gold made his lungs go to hell.                      
Said his doctor, "No doubt;                                 
Both your lungs must come out.                              
You have PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOKONIOSIS."    
                                                            
24915 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Albin Chaplin       P0212



From only sparse data can we cull                           
That a diabetic fellow named Meakle                         
Cannot manage to pee                                        
And when he does, he                                        
Can only produce a thin treacle. (syrup, molasses)          
                                                            
24916 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Bob Giandomenico    P8801



To the doc went the lady allurin',                          
For her cunt was in need of some curin',                    
But the doc licked her twat,                                
And he said, "You know what?                                
There is sugar, I fear, in your urine."                     
                                                            
24917 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Albin Chaplin   3024-0787



A merry old man of Oporto                                   
Had long had the gout in his fore toe;                      
And oft when he spoke                                       
To relate a good joke,                                      
A terrible twinge cut it short, O!                          
                                                            
24918 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Published 1822           



Once again I'm down with the gout;                          
When it's bad I never go out.                               
I tell those that care                                      
It's from kneeling at prayer,                               
Not drink, as the unkind ones tout.                         
                                                            
24919 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL                             



There's a brewmaster sick with the gout                     
(Small wish to be up and about),                            
Who tells his sweet nurse                                   
He'd like to be worse                                       
And try his own cure to get out.                            
                                                            
24920 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Paul Waterman            



I once had an arduous bout                                  
With a singular bad case of gout;                           
It hurt like a pistol,                                      
And the urea-crystal                                        
Took (it seemed) 50 years to break out.                     
                                                            
24921 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Robin K. Willoughby P8512



There once was an old man with bad gout;                    
Had a pain so intense he would shout,                       
"Who's the son of a bitch                                   
That just now flipped my switch,                            
And turned all my electrolytes out?"                        
                                                            
24922 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Tom Patton          P0303



Which head are you talking about?                           
If it's the lower, I have no doubt                          
This book'd do the job.                                     
(It made me just throb!)                                    
It's rich enough to give you gout!                          
                                                            
24923 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



He gave out an agonized shout,                              
Screaming in pain from his gout.                            
"One cheek of my tochus                                     
Sports a huge tophus;                                       
That makes my jockeys wear out!"                            
(Tophus - gritty, sandy)                                    
24924 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Jim Jambor          P9103



My close neighbour is terribly stout;                       
He suffers severely from gout.                              
Yesterday in the mall                                       
He had a bad fall;                                          
The neighbours heard him bellow and shout.                  
                                                            
24925 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old man, who said: "Curse!                     
There's the chauffeur embracing my nurse,                   
If it weren't for my gout                                   
I'd get up and go out,                                      
But I'm frightened of making it worse."                     
                                                            
24926 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Mrs D Sadler        P0103



I have this disease called the gout,                        
The pain's so intense, I must shout;                        
My sex life's diminished;                                   
It's now all but finished.                                  
Toe suckin' for instance, is out!                           
                                                            
24927 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Mark Levy           P0109



The doc said "You've the wrong end of the stick;            
I'm not ready to make you feel sick.                        
I was about to say.                                         
Take your medical dictionary away,                          
You've been reading what makes a man tick."                 
                                                            
24928 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Arthur Pattaffy          



I've fasted myself, once or twice --                        
TWO WEEKS! - against doctor's advice.                       
The result was a stone                                      
That I passed through my bone;                              
(But they ate well in Chad, ain't that nice?)               
                                                            
24929 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL                             



The Professer sure felt like a Gomer,                       
With a kidney stone stuck in his boner.                     
He did scream and shout,                                    
When that sucker came out...                                
And his piss shot all the way to Pamona!                    
                                                            
24930 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL                             



Old Age is a loathsome disease                              
For those who are loath to decease.                         
The mind in descent;                                        
The incontinent;                                            
The heirs adding prayers that you cease.                    
                                                            
24931 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Irving Superior     P8512



There's not a damn thing you can do                         
When you grow too senile to screw.                          
You live on recall,                                         
Remembering's all.                                          
Illusions are what you pursue.                              
                                                            
24932 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Larry Davis         P8512



The knowledge of ills can excite us.                        
We then know of this or that it is.                         
When a bug infests us                                       
And tries to ingest us,                                     
The doc asks where'd the flea bite us.                      
                                                            
24933 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Tom Patton          P0109



That buzz in your ears is called tinnitus;                  
You'll just have to bear it and grin.  It is                
Incurable, yet,                                             
Like the buzz that I get                                    
When curing girls of virginitus.                            
                                                            
24934 DISEASE - ZOTHER - INTERNAL    Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old man of Goditch,                            
Had the gon, the syph, and the itch.                        
His name was McNabs.                                        
He also had crabs,                                          
The dirty old son-of-a-bitch.                               
                                                            
24935 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL                                 L1096



A lecherous fellow named Gould                              
Soliloquized thus to his tool:                              
"From Cape Cod to Salamanca,                                
You've had pox, clap, and chancre--                         
Now ain't you a bloody great fool?"                         
                                                            
24936 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL                                 L1098



A hapless teenager named Jones                              
Is cursed with decalcified bones;                           
Acute anorexia,                                             
A hint of dyslexia,                                         
And rather unhealthy skin tones.                            
                                                            
24937 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Armand E Singer P0109 868



A Panama dude from the Isthmus                              
Plagued sorely with terminal trismus,  (lockjaw)            
Showed traces of clap,                                      
Large worms in his crap,                                    
And definite signs of strabismus.   (squinting)             
                                                            
24938 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Armand E Singer       109



There once was a fellow named Burt                          
Whose feelings were terribly hurt.                          
If one very discreet is,                                    
'Twon't help diabetes                                       
To remind him "stop eating dessert."                        
                                                            
24939 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Edwin J Weinstein        



But Burt was a monstrous lout                               
Whose girth was exceedingly stout.                          
He'd stay jammed in a chair                                 
And not walk on a dare                                      
So he could nurse his foot with the gout.                   
                                                            
24940 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Edwin J Weinstein        



If bargains are what you are buying,                        
A madam all kinds is supplying.                             
She has some with disease,                                  
And some Dead, if you please,                               
And some wretches Disabled or Dying.                        
                                                            
24941 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Albin Chaplin 3024  P8512



You started as somebody's sperms,                           
And end being eaten by worms.                               
And the part in between                                     
Is, as you've seen,                                         
Full of diseases and germs.                                 
                                                            
24942 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL                                      



Look forward at what lies ahead:                            
Your prostate means wetting the bed.                        
Then there's gout and colitis,                              
And the pain of arthritis;                                  
You'll be wishing quite soon you were dead.                 
                                                            
24943 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL                                      



We're down with the flu and the croup,                      
The palsy's made our eyelid droop.                          
While dancing inside us                                     
Is good old St Vitus,                                       
And we sure do wish we could poop.                          
                                                            
24944 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Cyber Wizard             



On our whole body, we've got the pox;                       
There's an itching down inside our jocks.                   
Farenheit: 104;                                             
We've got pimples galore,                                   
And we're dripping weird stuff from our cocks.              
                                                            
24945 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Cyber Wizard             



We've got the disease, Legionaire;                          
Our hair's falling out, and we swear                        
Our glands are all swollen;                                 
Cancer's up our colon,                                      
And of hernias, we've got a pair.                           
                                                            
24946 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Cyber Wizard             



They say cerebral menengitis                                
Or hydrocephalitis                                          
Is rotting our brain.                                       
We're going insane,                                         
And there's tapeworms deep down inside us.                  
                                                            
24947 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Cyber Wizard             



We've chancres, and boils, and red spots,                   
Some pustules, and little black dots,                       
And he said so, didn't he,                                  
That we've lost a kidney.                                   
And damn it, our blood never clots.                         
                                                            
24948 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Cyber Wizard             



It just is a hell of a thing                                
For a very good bloodline to bring                          
Such things to a lad.                                       
And to make matters bad,                                    
She won't die and let us be King.                           
                                                            
24949 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Cyber Wizard             



Now that was just really a killer.                          
What's more, Charlie's now feeling iller.                   
And you would be too,                                       
If like Charlie, you                                        
Awoke to be faced by Camilla.                               
                                                            
24950 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young man of Rhyll                              
Who tried very hard to get ill.                             
He tried to get scabies,                                    
Bronchitis and rabies,                                      
But all that he got was a chill.                            
                                                            
24951 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Spike Mulligan           



A social diseasee is pyorrhea                               
Dispeptic, dislexic myolea.                                 
But note one thing more                                     
That a great social bore                                    
Is the person with oral diarrhea.                           
(myology - study of muscles)                                
24952 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL             Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



We pity those two men from Perth                            
Who had crabs, clap and syphilis from birth.                
Said one to the other:                                      
"Alas, my poor brother,                                     
We're the rottenest bastards on earth!"                     
                                                            
24953 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL                                G1956a



We've got but one hundred more years,                       
Until everyone is in tears,                                 
From the lack of good space,                                
Or even food in the place,                                  
So today's epidemics bring cheers!                          
                                                            
24954 DISEASE - ZSEVERAL                                      



There once was a young man named Aaron,                     
At whom the ladies were starin'.                            
He was tall, dark and tan,                                  
Quite the ladies man,                                       
Then he woke up.                                            
                                                            
24955 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



A small black cat once crossed my path                      
And scared, I awaited its wrath.                            
It clung with its claws,                                    
And scratched at my jaws,                                   
And that's when I woke up in math.                          
                                                            
24956 DREAMS - CHASTE                Allison Penney           



Absorbed by dream worlds perception,                        
The purring of puss is perfection.                          
Vibrating my lap,                                           
I wake from my nap,                                         
And find that I have an erection.                           
                                                            
24957 DREAMS - CHASTE                Frank                    



There was an old fellow of Fife,                            
Who was garden-mad all of his life.                         
He dreamed in his slumbers,                                 
Of giant cucumbers,                                         
Which greatly embarrassed his wife.                         
                                                            
24958 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



I wandered so lonely...a cloud,                             
O'er daffodils gold, quite a crowd...                       
I saw at a glance                                           
That head-bobbing dance...                                  
I peed on them. God I am proud!                             
                                                            
24959 DREAMS - CHASTE                TuttaGioia               



When oft on my couch I do lie,                              
They flash upon my inward eye...                            
Those damn daffodils                                        
With their fucking gold frills,                             
While I'm craving to dream teenage pie.                     
                                                            
24960 DREAMS - CHASTE                TuttaGioia               



Ethereal visions of the heart                               
Are glimpsed as we sleep in the dark.                       
Their memory remains                                        
Until once again                                            
We slumber and let them embark.                             
                                                            
24961 DREAMS - CHASTE                Azul                     



A young stallion, desiring an heir,                         
Dreamed of finding exactly the right mare.                  
He arranged a blind date,                                   
But found out too late,                                     
His dream filly was just a nightmare.                       
                                                            
24962 DREAMS - CHASTE                Carole J. Heffley        



Their fantasies have an appeal                              
That opening worlds reveal,                                 
When youngsters engage                                      
In dreams at an age                                         
Before they discover what's real.                           
                                                            
24963 DREAMS - CHASTE                R J Winkler         P8502



There was a young lady of Worcester,                        
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.                      
She woke with a scream,                                     
But 'twas only a dream.                                     
A bump in the mattress had goosed her.                      
                                                            
24964 DREAMS - CHASTE                                    L0908



In her eyes, he imagined a gleam,                           
The excitement intense and extreme.                         
But then complication;                                      
The exhilaration --                                         
Disappeared when he woke from his dream!                    
                                                            
24965 DREAMS - CHASTE                Observer                 



Two nights in a row without joy,                            
I dreamt about helen of Troy.                               
It's very one-sided                                         
'Cause she had decided.                                     
Wooden horses beat my Tonka Toy.                            
                                                            
24966 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



There was an old butcher of Kife                            
Who said, "When I skewer my wife,                           
It's only in dreams,                                        
And yet from her screams,                                   
You'd think I was taking her life!"                         
                                                            
24967 DREAMS - CHASTE                Paul Waterman            



A fanciful dreamer named Kiam                               
Did fancy himself King of Siam.                             
He said, "I never bumble                                    
And it's hard to be humble,                                 
When you find you're great just like I am!"                 
                                                            
24968 DREAMS - CHASTE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2642



A prudish young girl of St. Paul                            
Dreamt she'd undressed on the Mall.                         
The best of the joke                                        
Was when she awoke,                                         
And found mud on her backside and all.                      
                                                            
24969 DREAMS - CHASTE                                    G1602



There was a young lady of Crete,                            
Who dreamed she danced in the street.                       
Although it did seem                                        
A peculiar dream,                                           
There was mud on the soles of her feet.                     
                                                            
24970 DREAMS - CHASTE                Trad                     



I remember the days back yonder                             
O'er the hills of thought and mind wander;                  
Grand schemes, plans and musings,                           
My brain was perusing,                                      
But now my gray matter just squander.                       
                                                            
24971 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



So the moral to this tale, you may ask?                     
To explain it is a paramount task.                          
But I'd much rather not                                     
Reveal the secret brain rot,                                
Because then I'd have to wear a mask.                       
                                                            
24972 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



I'm rolling around in my bed;                               
The sheet's pulled up over my head.                         
I had a nightmare --                                        
There's somebody there,                                     
But he was all smelly and dead.                             
                                                            
24973 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



At night he couldn't snooze                                 
And always had the blues;                                   
He had bad dreams                                           
Till sunlight beams;                                        
He never blamed the booze.                                  
                                                            
24974 DREAMS - CHASTE                Jim Weaver Collection    



Great benefit you can derive                                
From a nap, for a minute or five.                           
But my wife gives a scream,                                 
Wakes me up from a dream,                                   
Should I try it whenever I drive.                           
                                                            
24975 DREAMS - CHASTE                Tiddy Ogg                



The Honourable Winifred Wemyss                              
Saw styli and snakes in her dreams.                         
And these she enjoyed                                       
Until she heard Freud                                       
Say: "Nothing is quite what it seems."                      
                                                            
24976 DREAMS - CHASTE                Cyril Bibby              



In the throes of the happy delusion,                        
That life is not real but illusion,                         
I awaken to find                                            
I was out of my mind,                                       
And success is not fate but collusion.                      
                                                            
24977 DREAMS - CHASTE                Baxter Sperry       P0111



A highly strung lady called Weems                           
Once caught a man in her dreams.                            
He vanished away                                            
In the cold light of day,                                   
But he left her some peppermint creams.                     
                                                            
24978 DREAMS - CHASTE                Michael Palin            



Though your dreams may seem normal and right,               
They bring horrible things to the light.                    
You can only be sure                                        
That you're perfectly pure,                                 
If you dream about nothing all night.                       
                                                            
24979 DREAMS - CHASTE                J. C. B. Date            



At the Villa Dementia, the sleepers                         
Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers.                      
It beats all night long                                     
A dirge on a gong,                                          
As it staggers about in the creepers.                       
                                                            
24980 DREAMS - CHASTE                Edward Gorey             



On TV there's been so much pap,                             
(And cricket again has been crap),                          
So one just cannot beat                                     
After plenty to eat,                                        
A relaxing postprandial nap.                                
                                                            
24981 DREAMS - CHASTE                Peter Wilkins            



A pious young maiden named Dexter,                          
Prayed so long that is damn near desexed 'er.               
Yet, though she prayed hard,                                
Her mind, when off guard,                                   
Churned up visions that vexed and perplexed 'er.            
                                                            
24982 DREAMS - CHASTE                John Ciardi              



A girl lived in fear of disgrace,                           
So she fled from all lovers in haste.                       
It all went quite well                                      
Until one day she fell--                                    
She sometimes still dreams that she's chaste.               
                                                            
24983 DREAMS - CHASTE                                    L1594



An ugly young fellow named Weems,                           
Discovered a girl in his dreams.                            
At very first sight,                                        
She took such a fright,                                     
She woke him with blood-curdling screams.                   
                                                            
24984 DREAMS - CHASTE                John Ciardi              



There was a young lady called Weems,                        
Who, it seems, was afflicted with dreams.                   
She would wake in the night,                                
And in terrible fright,                                     
Shake the beams of the house with her screams.              
                                                            
24985 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



A lady from near Rising Sun,                                
Flattened her boy-friend in one,                            
Saying, "Don't worry, kid,                                  
That's for nothing you did;                                 
It's for something I dreamed you had done."                 
                                                            
24986 DREAMS - CHASTE                Ogden Nash               



I struggle to wake from a dream                             
Where nothing was as it would seem.                         
The mice were all lewd,                                     
The elephants rude,                                         
And all men belonged to a team.                             
                                                            
24987 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



They all bragged about their "ball club,"                   
Then asked me did I want to rub                             
Their mice for good luck,                                   
And, covered in muck,                                       
They stripped off and jumped in the tub.                    
                                                            
24988 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



"This is more like it!" I thought.                          
"I can peek without getting caught!"                        
I had a good look                                           
From my cozy nook.                                          
Damn! -- after my ticket I'd bought.                        
                                                            
24989 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



My dick I keep warm in my sock.                             
My bitches call it "Colossal Cock."                         
Birds start singing                                         
What's that ringing?                                        
I'm awake now; turn off that clock.                         
                                                            
24990 DREAMS - CHASTE                                         



I often see purple giraffes                                 
In dreams that are chock full of laughs.                    
Yes I know it sounds stupid,                                
But I dream too of Cupid,                                   
Who cannot tell a third from a half.                        
                                                            
24991 DREAMS - CHASTE                Jim Weaver Collection    



The lewd thought and complexes one finds                    
In even the higher-type minds                               
Are a thing for dismay--                                    
Can it be that today                                        
All we think of are tits and behinds?                       
                                                            
24992 DREAMS - CHASTE                Grand Prix Lim  492 G2333



Why do beautiful dreams in the night                        
Have to vanish as soon as it's light?                       
How I wish I could hold                                     
Them like crystals of gold                                  
In my mind 'ere they vanish from sight.                     
                                                            
24993 DREAMS - CHASTE                Peter                    



I was on a fabulous cruise                                  
With beautiful women and booze.                             
Just an inch from a kiss                                    
With a cute little miss,                                    
When my wife woke me up from a snooze.                      
                                                            
24994 DREAMS - CHASTE                Observer                 



I fucked her in my dreams,                                  
I listened to her screams.                                  
When I awoke                                                
The bed was soaked,                                         
For I had fucked her in my dreams!                          
                                                            
24995 DREAMS - WET                                       G2116



An old Chinese poet named Koo                               
Fell asleep in a rubber canoe.                              
He was dreaming that coolies                                
Were tickling his goolies,                                  
And woke up with a handful of goo.                          
                                                            
24996 DREAMS - WET                                       G2154



I dream about hot lady astronauts,                          
And zero-g groin-grinding, ooh my nuts!                     
Then we'll give mutual head,                                
Bouncing off the bulkhead,                                  
And make yogurt drift onto the sleeping cots!               
                                                            
24997 DREAMS - WET                                            



Through the jungle, there isn't a path,                     
You must suffer the heat and the wrath.                     
You drip till your sweat                                    
Makes even dreams wet,                                      
And you bathe with Bathsheba in Bath.                       
                                                            
24998 DREAMS - WET                   Lance Payne         P8412



There was a steamfitter, Akeem,                             
Who fitted his pipe, in his dream,                          
Into twenty fair lasses                                     
And he wore out their asses;                                
When he woke he had blown all his steam.                    
                                                            
24999 DREAMS - WET                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1829



I dreamt as I dozed in her chair,                           
Of the way that she touched me "down there".                
I awoke from my nap                                         
With the cat on my lap,                                     
A bone, and her FURIOUS glare.                              
                                                            
25000 DREAMS - WET                                            



Big trouble was poor hen-pecked Pete's                      
Wet dream 'bout a nymph of the streets;                     
His wife snarled: "Who was it?                              
You pig-poop, that does it!                                 
Your dream girl can come change the sheets!"                
                                                            
25001 DREAMS - WET                                            



There was an old Chinaman drunk,                            
Who went for a sail in his junk.                            
He was dreaming of Venus                                    
And tickling his penis,                                     
'Till he floated away in the spunk.                         
(Published 1879)                                            
25002 DREAMS - WET                                       L1266



There was a young fellow of Rheims,                         
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.                   
He saved up a dozen,                                        
And sent to his cousin,                                     
Who ate them and thought they were creams.                  
                                                            
25003 DREAMS - WET                                       L0792



A dashing young fellow named Weem,                          
Every night had a luscious wet dream.                       
'Til a friend, quite annoyed,                               
Called a disciple of Freud,                                 
Who cured him, which I think was mean.                      
                                                            
25004 DREAMS - WET                                       G2090



The inspiring cathedral at Rheims                           
Has figured in many wet dreams.                             
It looks like a phallus,                                    
But bear it no malice:                                      
'Twas the builder's intention, it seems.                    
                                                            
25005 DREAMS - WET                                       G2474



There's an Allen who lives in La Salle,                     
With a dream that inflates his morale:                      
It's a dollar a gallon                                      
At the gas pump for Allen,                                  
But there's ass at a dollar a gal!                          
                                                            
25006 DREAMS - WET                                            



A horny young fellow named Chad                             
Once dreamed that he was a shad.                            
He dreamed he had spawned;                                  
When the morning light dawned;                              
He saw on his sheets that he had.                           
                                                            
25007 DREAMS - WET                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Peru,                              
Who dreamt he was had by a Jew.                             
He woke up at night,                                        
In a hell of a fright,                                      
And found it was perfectly true.                            
                                                            
25008 DREAMS - WET                   Norman Douglas      L0502



Adolescence assaults our young Bret,                        
But he's salvaged his innocence yet --                      
There is that you can say                                   
When his dreams are just day --                             
(As of bedtime his dreams are all wet.)                     
                                                            
25009 DREAMS - WET                   Thomas A. Quinine   P8502



An engine inspector named Cole,                             
Possessed of a most active pole,                            
You better believe,                                         
Could never achieve                                         
Nocturnal emission control.                                 
                                                            
25010 DREAMS - WET                   Armand E Singer       976



There was once an old lady of Bewdley,                      
Who would never do anything crudely!                        
But her fantasy life                                        
Was especially rife                                         
With machismos who screwed her quite lewdly.                
                                                            
25011 DREAMS - WET                   Keith MacMillan       56c



There was a young navel cadet,                              
Whose dreams were unusually wet.                            
When he dreamt of his wedding,                              
He soaked up the bedding,                                   
And the wedding ain't taken place yet.                      
                                                            
25012 DREAMS - WET                                       L1250



On the Icelandic tundra it seems,                           
Folks awaken to hear ghastly screams                        
At night, now and then...                                   
They come from shocked men                                  
Who awake with frozen went dreams.                          
                                                            
25013 DREAMS - WET                   Grand Prix Lim  123      



With a hard-on he walked down the street                    
Eyeing each girl he did meet.                               
Entertaining a fantasy                                      
About each one's pantasy                                    
And how getting in would be sweet.                          
                                                            
25014 DREAMS - WET                   Jane D. Hughes      P9104



A really weird bunch are the Beams;                         
Their dad's pulling loose at the seams,                     
Their mother has fleas,                                     
Poor sis never pees,                                        
And grandad complains of wet dreams.                        
                                                            
25015 DREAMS - WET                   Armand E Singer       977



One night I was having a dream:                             
A Gymnast performed on my beam.                             
I was out for the count                                     
So I missed her dismount,                                   
But I gather she slipped on some cream.                     
                                                            
25016 DREAMS - WET                   Frank                    



There was a prim lady of Poole,                             
Who dreamed she was had by a bull.                          
The balls were outsize,                                     
And so were her cries,                                      
It was all cock and bull, the young fool!                   
                                                            
25017 DREAMS - WET                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow from near Valley Stream                            
Had a perfectly wonderful dream...                          
For way out on a dairy                                      
He was had by a fairy                                       
And woke up half drowned in fresh cream...                  
                                                            
25018 DREAMS - WET                   Grand Prix Lim  215      



Last night, or so it would seem,                            
I had an incredulous dream.                                 
As I think back now,                                        
I was milking a cow,                                        
And I woke with a handful of cream.                         
                                                            
25019 DREAMS - WET                   Mike                     



There was an old Bedouin grand,                             
Who lived in the hot desert land,                           
And though strange it may seem,                             
When he had a wet dream,                                    
He awoke with a handful of sand.                            
                                                            
25020 DREAMS - WET                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0461



There was a young fellow named Freeman                      
Who had a delightful time dreamin',                         
How the harem he raped,                                     
While the sheik stood and gaped.                            
He awoke with a handful of semen.                           
                                                            
25021 DREAMS - WET                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1856



There was a young fellow named Gish                         
Who used to jack off in a knish.                            
He dreamed that Venus                                       
Was nibbling his penis,                                     
And woke up with a handful of slish.                        
                                                            
25022 DREAMS - WET                                       G2136



I'm home writing technical stuff;                           
But it's truly horrendously tough.                          
Every word that I write,                                    
Takes me half of the night,                                 
For I'm dreaming of titties and muff.                       
                                                            
25023 DREAMS - WET                                            



From the capital steps I will scream,                       
For the whites, blacks, hispanics, and cream.               
I'm using my wit                                            
And clearly admit                                           
That my speech is, "I have a wet dream!"                    
                                                            
25024 DREAMS - WET                   Chris Bolivar            



There was an old person of Rheims,                          
Who was troubled with horrible dreams.                      
They kept him awake                                         
With Spanish fly in his cake,                               
And the poor bastard burst at the seams.                    
                                                            
25025 DREAMS - WET                   Edwardian Leer 030  P9306



There once was a fellow named Strand                        
Told his shrink, "I think wet dreams are grand;             
But they get a lot wetter                                   
And feel a lot better                                       
If you help them along with your hand.                      
                                                            
25026 DREAMS - WET                   Bob Giandomenico    P8905



In the sun my whole body is heating                         
And my heart is extremely hard beating.                     
So I'm dreaming of someone                                  
Who might say: "Now come on,                                
Your evening and night I'll be sweetening"                  
                                                            
25027 DREAMS - WET                                            



There was a young man named McGurk,                         
Who dozed off one night after work.                         
He had a wet dream,                                         
But awoke with a scream,                                    
Just in time to give it a jerk.                             
                                                            
25028 DREAMS - WET                                       L1297



Most nights, my sweet Ulla, I dream                         
Of us screwing like crazy; you scream                       
As I put out the fire                                       
Of your sexual desire,                                      
With a hot liquid fountain of cream.                        
                                                            
25029 DREAMS - WET                                            



A lecherous Northumbrian druid,                             
Whose mind was filthy and lewd,                             
Awoke from a trance                                         
With his hand in his pants,                                 
On a lump of pre-seminal fluid.                             
                                                            
25030 DREAMS - WET                                       L1265



There was a young lady from Wooster,                        
Who dreamed Marlon Brando seduced her.                      
She awoke to find                                           
It was all in her mind --                                   
Just a bump in the mattress has goosed her!                 
                                                            
25031 DREAMS - WET                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a dissolute monk                             
Who fell asleep on a trunk.                                 
He dreamt that Venus                                        
Was pulling his penis,                                      
And woke up all covered with gunk.                          
                                                            
25032 DREAMS - WET                                            



There once was a coed named Rath,                           
Who dreamed she got screwed in her bath.                    
She woke up perpiring                                       
And said, "How inspiring!--                                 
And more fun that doing my math."                           
                                                            
25033 DREAMS - WET                                       G0727



An elderly gent named O'Maundry                             
Had his sheets partly starched at the laundry,              
For they served to remind him                               
Of his youth now behind him,                                
When wet dreams kept his mom in a quandary.                 
                                                            
25034 DREAMS - WET                                       G2179



That incubus is of the stripe                               
That he likes to give women the hype                        
So they think they've been screwed.                         
Nowadays if he's shrewd                                     
He'll steer clear of the women's-lib type.                  
                                                            
25035 DREAMS - WET                   A. N. Wilkins       P8710



A maiden once wrote in her journal                          
Of delights autumnal and vernal.                            
She'd put down her pen                                      
And fantasize then                                          
About stuff that's, well, nocturnal.                        
                                                            
25036 DREAMS - WET                   McCallum                 



Young Mary is sleepin' and dreamin'                         
Of sailors who'll give her a reamin';                       
She's tossing and turnin'                                   
And lustfully yearnin'                                      
For oceans and oceans of semen.                             
                                                            
25037 DREAMS - WET                                            



When I dream of my fantasized wedding,                      
Of the shedding, outspreading, and treading,                
The pleasure intense,                                       
Of those fancied events,                                    
Leaves a very real stain on the bedding.                    
                                                            
25038 DREAMS - WET                   Laurence Perrine    P8511



What's that, Erm -- I've had a wet dream?                   
I woke you with passionate scream?                          
My dream was of you;                                        
Of course that is true;                                     
It's no-one but you makes me cream.                         
                                                            
25039 DREAMS - WET                                            



I just had a dream, my Big Nut,                             
With many a fine luscious slut.                             
But you were so true,                                       
I poked only you,                                           
And kicked all the rest in the butt.                        
                                                            
25040 DREAMS - WET                   H Whelchel               



A fellow sat down to peruse                                 
The newspaper sports and reviews.                           
But dozing, he dreamt                                       
That Eros did tempt,                                        
And waking, found ooze in his news.                         
                                                            
25041 DREAMS - WET                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young man of Shalott                            
Who was always talking of twat.                             
The chambermaid said                                        
As she made up his bed,                                     
"My God, was he dreaming--or what?"                         
                                                            
25042 DREAMS - WET                                       G2203



A woman whose lust was extreme                              
Had an orgasm highly supreme,                               
With a handsome young bloke,                                
But was sad, when she woke,                                 
And she learned it was only a dream.                        
                                                            
25043 DREAMS - WET                   Cap'n Bean               



When our thoughts were what's under her thigh               
And our peckers would pressure our fly;                     
And the dreams that were choice                             
Were the dreams that were moist.                            
How the days of our youth hurry by.                         
                                                            
25044 DREAMS - WET                   Irving Superior     P9607



An impotent fellow named Fife,                              
Had little to do with his wife.                             
She dreamt in her slumbers                                  
Of giant cucumbers,                                         
Which greatly enhanced her love life.                       
                                                            
25045 DREAMS - WET                                       G2121



There once was a young man from Newcastle                   
Who thought that all sex was a hassle.                      
He preferred a wet dream,                                   
'Cause then he could cream,                                 
With none of the foreplay or wrassle.                       
                                                            
25046 DREAMS - WET                   Archie                   



Remember the National Geographic                            
When boys leered at bosoms from Afric?                      
Then under the pillows,                                     
Those bosomy billows,                                       
In hopes of a dream pornographic.                           
                                                            
25047 DREAMS - WET                   Irving Superior     P8502



What really made Sigmund upset,                             
The sex that young SIG did not get.                         
Too many rejections                                         
And wasted erections.                                       
Chap. Ten see: Why Some Dreams Are Wet.                     
                                                            
25048 DREAMS - WET                   Irving Superior          



My dreams, I'm inclined to forget                           
As most people do, I can bet                                
I recall just a few,                                        
Say, a hundred or two,                                      
Cause they are the ones that were wet.                      
                                                            
25049 DREAMS - WET                   Friar                    



A randy old granny named Ward                               
Cried, "Back in my youth, when I whored,                    
Life gave me both treasure                                  
And a crotchful of pleasure,                                
Which I dream about now when I'm bored."                    
                                                            
25050 DREAMS - WET                                       G1885



I know what would make me feel grand;                       
'Tis a wench who could take me in hand                      
For a roll in the hay.                                      
For the rest of the day                                     
I'd accede to her every demand.                             
                                                            
25051 DREAMS - WET                                            



There was a young man from Oswego,                          
Who fell in love with a Dago.                               
He dreamt that his Venus                                    
Was jerking his penis,                                      
And woke up all covered with sago.                          
                                                            
25052 DREAMS - WET                                       L1267



As I slept last night in my bed                             
Strange visions came into my head.                          
These naked men spoke,                                      
But then I awoke                                            
And I did not hear what they said!                          
                                                            
25053 DREAMS - WET                                            



There once lived a young man in Queens,                     
Who came up with the most fabulous screams.                 
He screamed and he ranted,                                  
For a hooker he wanted,                                     
To complete his most wondrous of dreams.                    
                                                            
25054 DREAMS - WET                   Toast Point              



When the girls have deserted your roost,                    
And your spirit's in need of a boost,                       
As a final resort                                           
You can still get your sport                                
From a wet dream -- self induced.                           
                                                            
25055 DREAMS - WET                   Ed Wolfert          P8405



There was a young man of Bagdad,                            
Who was dreaming that he was a shad.                        
He dreamt he was spawning,                                  
And then, the next morning,                                 
He found that, by Jesus, he had!                            
                                                            
25056 DREAMS - WET                                       L1237



She dressed very special for Jack                           
For they were to play out in back.                          
That night, in her dreams                                   
You could hear all her screams --                           
LOOK OUT ! It's a full sperm attack!                        
                                                            
25057 DREAMS - WET                                            



There was an old man from Rangoon,                          
Who was born by the light of the moon.                      
He hadn't the luck,                                         
To be born of a fuck,                                       
But a wet dream scraped up with a spoon.                    
                                                            
25058 DREAMS - WET                                       L0975



There was a young fellow named Veach,                       
Who fell fast asleep on the beach.                          
His dreams of nude women                                    
Had his proud organ brimming,                               
And squirting on all within reach.                          
                                                            
25059 DREAMS - WET                                       L1358



When I was a White House Resident,                          
I dreamed I had sex with the President.                     
I told every one;                                           
It was lots of fun;                                         
Till a Starr would shine on my sex event.                   
                                                            
25060 DREAMS - WET                   Frode              TP9804



The succubus constantly schemes                             
To work it out so that it seems                             
To a slumbering male                                        
As if he's getting tail,                                    
And in this way induces wet dreams.                         
                                                            
25061 DREAMS - WET                   A. N. Wilkins       P8710



I swear this is all too uncanny;                            
I dreamt her employed as my nanny.                          
Her buxa I knuckled                                         
While calmly I suckled,                                     
Which played merry hell with her fanny.                     
                                                            
25062 DREAMS - WET                                            



The Sultan's favorite girl was Fatima;                      
Who was known for being a loud screama;                     
Tried sixty-nine, in his tent,                              
He came and she went...                                     
He woke up -- the Sultan's a dreama!                        
                                                            
25063 DREAMS - WET                                            



The Universe bursts at its seams                            
With suffering, torture, and screams.                       
Most creatures detest                                       
Even life at its best,                                      
And the best are most often wet dreams.                     
                                                            
25064 DREAMS - WET                                            



There was a young fellow from Wemyss,                       
Who had most abundant wet dreams.                           
When his father said, "Frank,                               
Is it true that you wank?"                                  
He said, "Yes, but too rarely, it seems!"                   
                                                            
25065 DREAMS - WET                   Jim Thorne          T9711



Ralph was in trouble knee-deep,                             
For he often talked in his sleep.                           
The things that he said                                     
Would turn faces red,                                       
And required a two-minute bleep.                            
                                                            
25066 DREAMS - WET                   Edwin J Weinstein        



The government rationed the shoes,                          
The sugar, and bottles of booze.                            
But soldiers in trenches                                    
Were dreaming of wenches,                                   
And thinking of unrationed screws.                          
                                                            
25067 DREAMS - WET                   Julia Strawn        P8901



When my girl friend refuses me permission                   
To join her in the act of coition,                          
A water-proof sheet                                         
Keeps my bed dry and neat                                   
In the event of nocturnal emission.                         
                                                            
25068 DREAMS - WET                   Ed Wolfert          P8405



Said a man in the city of Ghent,                            
"Each morn I wake up in a tent.                             
All my dreams every night                                   
Are a sexy delight;                                         
Time asleep I consider well spent."                         
                                                            
25069 DREAMS - WET                   Tom Patton               



Her eyes had an intimate gleam;                             
It was great!  What a wonderful theme!                      
In my bed through the night,                                
I knew not wrong from right,                                
What a pity it was all in my dream!                         
                                                            
25070 DREAMS - WET                   Arthur Pattaffy          



When that cutie tried out for the team,                     
The boys nearly busted a seam.                              
Though none would deflower                                  
That doll in the shower,                                    
Each had her that night in a dream.                         
                                                            
25071 DREAMS - WET                   Allan R. Ottley     P8306



There once was a fellow named Eric                          
Who truly was quite esoteric;                               
He often would scheme                                       
To fulfill his wet dream,                                   
Of going to bed with Bo Derek.                              
                                                            
25072 DREAMS - WET                                            



Dreams?  There's one I can beat --                          
In mine, I was shagging some sweet                          
Young beautiful tart;                                       
But I woke with a start.                                    
Wrapped up in a very wet sheet.                             
                                                            
25073 DREAMS - WET                   Cyber Wizard             



An amorous fellow named Slade                               
Had dreams of a wild escapade,                              
Where he had in pursuit                                     
A young virgin, so cute --                                  
He awoke and he found the bed made.                         
                                                            
25074 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-1903



There was a young man of Belgrade                           
Who dreamed of a game that he played,                       
Where he chased a fair lass                                 
And he pounced on her ass;                                  
He awoke and he found the bed made.                         
                                                            
25075 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-1836



Ring! Ring! There goes my phone.                            
The sound of it gives me a bone.                            
I'd hoped it would be                                       
My sweet Carol, see,                                        
But it seems I'll be holding my own...                      
                                                            
25076 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



Ding-Dong!  My doorbell then sounded                        
And I was simply astounded                                  
To open and find                                            
Sweet Carol behind                                          
A t-shirt marked 'I want mounted!'                          
                                                            
25077 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



As you'd guess I quickly obliged                            
And carried her gently inside,                              
Back into my bed                                            
Without a word said;                                        
Muffled tones as our tongues intertwined.                   
                                                            
25078 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



I lowered her onto my bed,                                  
And tore that t-shirt to a shred                            
As I could not wait                                         
And not hesitate,                                           
For her clothes by her to be shed.                          
                                                            
25079 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



It was all that she was wearing                             
And after tugging and tearing,                              
I mounted my steed                                          
To fulfill her need;                                        
She whineyed out loud, not caring...                        
                                                            
25080 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



...If my neighbors should overhear                          
She quite simply was beyond fear.                           
And at that point I                                         
Let out a loud cry --                                       
"It's a dream -- I wish you were here!"                     
                                                            
25081 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



Sweet Carol, I've fallen so quick,                          
And for you I have grown heartsick.                         
I can scarce stand the thought                              
That I'm here and your not;                                 
We're apart, but not by my pick.                            
                                                            
25082 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



When sex with my wife isn't good,                           
I pretend I am in Hollywood,                                
Poking my Johnson                                           
In Gloria Swanson,                                          
In my Rolls...Better yet...On the hood!                     
                                                            
25083 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



Kate Hepburn peeps on from the side,                        
While Cher rides the shifter astride.                       
And Linda Carter                                            
Diddles the starter,                                        
So she can take me for a ride.                              
                                                            
25084 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



Madonna's buttfucking the brake;                            
It's not half what she's able to take.                      
I'm on the dashboard                                        
With Rachel Ward,                                           
Muffdiving on Veronica Lake.                                
                                                            
25085 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



Vera Miles and Betty Hutton                                 
Are both in the back seat sluttin'                          
With Lucy Arnaz,                                            
In menage a trois lez,                                      
And I may just go stick my butt in.                         
                                                            
25086 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



But all things must end and alas,                           
Not as nicely as Janet Leigh's ass.                         
So as Barbara Bain                                          
Fingers Marjorie Main,                                      
We come to a stop, out of gas!                              
                                                            
25087 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



As the evening is getting quite late                        
And I'm back in my bed and sedate.                          
Draw the old girl near,                                     
Whisper in her ear                                          
Mmmm baby, that really was great!                           
                                                            
25088 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



While drawing to keep from my mind                          
Last night , I seem hard to find.                           
In my hand my old ink-                                      
pen is turning to pink                                      
And starts growing! Am I going blind?                       
                                                            
25089 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



Now the ink's growing pale! Does it seem                    
To my eyes it is turning cream-                             
Coloured? Ink's blotting out!                               
And I feel I'm about                                        
To, er, swoon! Is this all a strange dream?                 
                                                            
25090 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



At the drawingboard's foot, I drop down                     
With my clothes all scattered around.                       
I can sure feel my boy                                      
With his marvelous toy,                                     
Entering me and then probe to the ground.                   
                                                            
25091 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



Some time later, recovering my mind                         
On the floor and all naked I find                           
Me, my pussy a wreck,                                       
Very pleased (so the heck...!).                             
But my drawings look...Shit! My behind!                     
                                                            
25092 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



A Swiss girl so eager to please                             
Lifted her filmy chemise...                                 
On her tits was fondu,                                      
An hors d'oeuvre impromtu.                                  
Then she mounted me from a trapeze.                         
                                                            
25093 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          OgniGioia                



Her thighs were all covered with cream,                     
Her breasts had a sweet honey gleam.                        
But too good to be true,                                    
This sex cordon bleu;                                       
He awoke with two spurts from his dream.                    
                                                            
25094 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          OgniGioia                



The queerest of dreams came last night.                     
I speelunked a cave, dark and tight.                        
Great stinking stalagmites                                  
And skin-burning bat bites,                                 
Soon had me cold-sweating with fright.                      
                                                            
25095 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



Was this a night-ass-fucking-mare?                          
I woke with a start and a scare:                            
An earth-quaking spasm                                      
Had squeezed from the chasm                                 
Both me and a sticky brown bear.                            
                                                            
25096 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



I think that my mind's playing tricks,                      
For I dream each night in limericks,                        
Of the girls who here rhyme,                                
Naked, lying in line                                        
And from one to the other, it flicks.                       
                                                            
25097 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jack                     



They all are nice girls in my dreams,                       
With skin just like peaches and cream,                      
Till they part the red lips                                 
'Neath their child-bearing hips,                            
Then they change, become sluttish, obscene...               
                                                            
25098 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jack                     



And they chase me out into the streets,                     
Where I'm assaulted and battered by teats.                  
Then I find when I wake                                     
That I lie in a lake,                                       
For I've just creamed my crop in the sheets.                
                                                            
25099 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jack                     



Last night in my slumber I yearned                          
For the pussy of Kate who has spurned                       
Me and fell out of bed                                      
In mid-dream on my head,                                    
But despite that my thoughts have returned.                 
                                                            
25100 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



I've taken a very cold shower                               
With the water-spray on at full power.                      
The effect on my dong                                       
Though didn't last very long;                               
Maybe less than one-tenth of an hour.                       
                                                            
25101 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



Instead of cold water immersion                             
I need, for my mind, a diversion;                           
But all of my thoughts                                      
Involve bedroom-type sports                                 
And a certain delightful insertion.                         
                                                            
25102 DREAMS - WET - SERIES                                   



The sun is shining in my room;                              
It takes away the wintry gloom.                             
But what is this?                                           
Something's amiss.                                          
My old PC has started to bloom.                             
                                                            
25103 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Tjarda Van Den Berg      



I think I'm in the sun too long,                            
Or else lenses were put in wrong.                           
Strange things do I see                                     
Right in front of me.                                       
I think it is a mile-long tongue.                           
                                                            
25104 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Tjarda Van Den Berg      



Yes, it's a tongue coming after me;                         
It's aiming for my clit decidedly.                          
Ok, I won't fight                                           
This wet sweet delight.                                     
Delivered am I from misery.                                 
                                                            
25105 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Tjarda Van Den Berg      



Ouch! With a bang I hit the floor.                          
I'm awake, someone's at the door.                           
It's here the dream stops,                                  
But still my heart throbs,                                  
Still unsatisfied, wanting more.                            
                                                            
25106 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Tjarda Van Den Berg      



I travel to work in a train,                                
Which in many respects is a pain.                           
But today I sat next                                        
To a girl highly sexed,                                     
Who kept moaning again and again.                           
                                                            
25107 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Peter Wilkins            



She rocked herself forward and back                         
To the rhythm of wheel upon track.                          
As the train gathered speed,                                
She completed the deed                                      
With her fingers caressing her crack.                       
                                                            
25108 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Peter Wilkins            



She turned to me smiling; a gleam                           
In her eye. I felt ready to cream                           
As she took me in hand                                      
And I came to a stand...                                    
But alas, it was only a dream.                              
                                                            
25109 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Peter Wilkins            



I dreamed of a virile young stud;                           
We rolled like two pigs in the mud.                         
We spent half an hour                                       
Making love in the shower,                                  
Then I fell out of bed with a thud...                       
                                                            
25110 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Jayne                    



'Twas dirty? That dream it was not.                         
Did you give as good as you got.                            
After half an hour                                          
Of love in that shower,                                     
You're clean, if the water is hot.                          
                                                            
25111 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Frank                    



If you're in the shower with soap                           
And a studly young fellow to grope,                         
What could be cleaner,                                      
Unless it's his weiner;                                     
In which case there is still hope.                          
                                                            
25112 DREAMS - WET - SERIES          Karen                    



PUNCTILIOUS isn't the style                                 
Of "Dubya", who seems without guile.                        
He'll sail through his term                                 
With a V.P. firm,                                           
And with/without reason, big smile.                         
                                                            
25113 DUBYA                          Chris Papa               



After Tuesday's electoral push,                             
GOP brothers George and Jeb Bush,                           
Have four years to complete                                 
On the governor's seat                                      
Or the gubernatorial tush!                                  
                                                            
25114 DUBYA                          Prof M-G                 



When Dubya gets lost in L's bush,                           
And does the wrong love button push,                        
Remounting with care, he                                    
Just admits she's to hairy,                                 
And he can't tell her twat from her tush.                   
                                                            
25115 DUBYA                          Michael Whalen           



George Dubya, I'll just tell you what;                      
On his rival, the door has slammed shut.                    
That fellow, McCain                                         
Not too long will remain;                                   
It was just a campaign in the Butt                          
                                                            
25116 DUBYA                                                   



It's a dangerous course we are steering;                    
The right wing not very endearing.                          
But I have the suspicion,                                   
Though you whine to perdition,                              
If this were George Bush, you'd be cheering.                
                                                            
25117 DUBYA                                                   



At Disney's around Christmas Time,                          
For each creature a gift they design.                       
When they asked Mickey                                      
He said, "That ain't tricky;                                
A George Dubya watch'd be fine.                             
                                                            
25118 DUBYA                          Tony Burrell             



We don't want a picture to mock us;                         
Just recall how the tank hurt Dukakis.                      
Your big macho soul                                         
Is hard to control,                                         
But Bush plus a Harley -- laughs raucous.                   
                                                            
25119 DUBYA                          Dr Limerick              



His social concerns are cosmetic.                           
His energy's mostly kinetic.                                
It's quite plain then you see,                              
He's a prize wanna be,                                      
But his hindsight is almost prophetic.                      
                                                            
25120 DUBYA                          Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



Normal accident, advised his MD,                            
After Bush collapsed watching TV.                           
Pretzel chunk he had downed,                                
Made him faint; hit the ground;                             
Might junk food KO presidency?                              
                                                            
25121 DUBYA                          Esther Koch         P0202



When George stopped of at Albuquerque                       
To visit some schoolchildren perky,                         
He asked, "Where'm I from?"                                 
They said, "Washington!"                                    
They knew "Texas" would make him more smirky.               
                                                            
25122 DUBYA                          Dr Limerick              



Al said to wife Tipper, "I'll rub ya,                       
And then with my cock I will club ya!"                      
But Tipper said, "Loser,                                    
I want that old boozer                                      
Instead, by the name of George Dubya."                      
                                                            
25123 DUBYA                                                   



The 'State of the Union Address'                            
By President Bush, I confess,                               
Was so very powerful                                        
That I took a showerful,                                    
Right after I'd serviced Ol' Bess.                          
                                                            
25124 DUBYA                                                   



King George wore a smile sublime,                           
And promised AMTRAK a few dimes,                            
Imagining days                                              
Of his hero's praise --                                     
"He's making the trains run on time."                       
                                                            
25125 DUBYA                          Dr Limerick              



I do hope George Dubya gets well,                           
Attacked by a vicious pretzel.                              
Who were the makers?                                        
Why bin Laden Bakers,                                       
Now in America, as well.                                    
                                                            
25126 DUBYA                          Tony Burrell             



The song says Mobile has a lighthouse,                      
That birdies all use as a shitehouse.                       
And old 'Bama dames,                                        
Call it three different names,                              
The lighthouse, or shitehouse or White House.               
                                                            
25127 DUBYA                                                   



In Washington now, not Mobile,                              
With birds Dubya's worked out a deal.                       
They all use the White House                                
As communal shite-house;                                    
The best use made of it, I feel.                            
                                                            
25128 DUBYA                                                   



By now, nearly everyone knows                               
That by forcing new stem-cell lines closed,                 
Bush's promoting the ends                                   
Of his Christian-Right friends,                             
With restrictions the public opposed.                       
                                                            
25129 DUBYA - ABORTION/SEX           Dr Limerick              



The anti-abortionist Right                                  
Has won without raising a fight;                            
Of the funds, not a portion                                 
Pays for abortions --                                       
The point is electoral might.                               
                                                            
25130 DUBYA - ABORTION/SEX           Dr Limerick              



On stem-cells Bush is contemplative,                        
And "unusually deliberative;"                               
Tax cuts, Arctic drilling,                                  
And state-sanctioned killing,                               
Didn't rate this much work cogitative.                      
                                                            
25131 DUBYA - ABORTION/SEX           Dr Limerick              



In matters of public debate                                 
Republican's say: "We trust states                          
To allocate funding,                                        
Except for just one thing --                                
For sex, tell our teens to just wait.                       
                                                            
25132 DUBYA - ABORTION/SEX           Dr Limerick              



George Bush says that he ain't condoning                    
Any outfit that does human cloning;                         
He knows goddamn well                                       
That making stem cells                                      
Deserves an Old Testamnet stoning.                          
                                                            
25133 DUBYA - ABORTION/SEX           Dr Limerick  11-27-01    



The Senate's new bankruptcy bill                            
Includes quite a large poison pill;                         
Violet pro-lifers                                           
Must still pay the piper;                                   
They can't say "I'm bankrupt" at will.                      
                                                            
25134 DUBYA - ABORTION/SEX           Dr Limerick              



Gee Dubya's elected it seems,                               
Although I still hope it's a dream.                         
It's fodder for grist;                                      
Will his cabinet consist                                    
Of his buddies Jack D. and Jim Beam.                        
                                                            
25135 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Tiddy Ogg                



Presidents ain't often coddled;                             
Adversarial ways are well modeled.                          
Johnson and Nixon,                                          
Truman and Clinton                                          
All embattled; Bush is embottled.                           
                                                            
25136 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Dr Limerick  05-29-02    



We know that Bill Clinton smoked pot,                       
And that Al also smoked it a lot.                           
And the Dubya would booze,                                  
And the cops try to lose,                                   
And in New Hampshire he finally got caught.                 
                                                            
25137 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE                                      



Dubya got caught in a lie                                   
'Bout his '76 DUI.                                          
"I was too ashamed";                                        
It sounds pretty lame                                       
From a holier-than-Gore kind of guy.                        
                                                            
25138 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Dr Limerick  11-02-00    



Since 9/11 Jenna and Barb                                   
Are spending their days working hard,                       
With Daddy's permission                                     
To start a commission                                       
For National Fake I.D. Cards.                               
                                                            
25139 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Dr Limerick  12-16-01    



All babies in the U.S. of A.                                
Would be issued a card saying they                          
Had reached twenty-one                                      
On the day they were born,                                  
So bars must admit them today.                              
                                                            
25140 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Dr Limerick  12-16-01    



George W Bush is a pol                                      
Who seems to have mastered STONEWALL.                       
Did he use cocaine?                                         
The question's in vain,                                     
'Cause he can no longer recall!                             
                                                            
25141 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Observer                 



To his Yale days, Bush couldn't be truer                    
As he vows to kill off "evil-doers".                        
He read Superman Comics,                                    
But not economics,                                          
And gave lots of money to brewers.                          
                                                            
25142 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Dr Limerick              



"I was once irresponsibly young,"                           
Quipped George W., then bit his tongue.                     
"No, I won't play that game,                                
On the early time frame;                                    
I won't say I'd dope in my lung!"                           
                                                            
25143 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Prof M-G                 



The release of the Reagan-years papers,                     
Gives several Bushies the vapors;                           
Bush II's mostly run                                        
By alums of Bush I,                                         
Hoping not to confess youthful capers.                      
                                                            
25144 DUBYA - BOOZE/DOPE             Dr Limerick              



Bush says he's expanding the Peace Corps                    
As he's planning the we'll-never-cease wars.                
A nice dividend                                             
Is that shipping off Dems                                   
Might increase his votes, and decrease Gore's.              
                                                            
25145 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  02-21-02    



The FBI's stopped its denying                               
Domestic surveillance and spying;                           
They admit their web searches,                              
Libraries and churches,                                     
To see what you're reading and buying.                      
                                                            
25146 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  11-30-02    



The GSA is keeping the keys                                 
To the offices Dubya needs.                                 
They won't let him in                                       
'Til he scores a clean win,                                 
Not a victory won by decrees.                               
                                                            
25147 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  11-27-00    



The Council of Corporate Honchos                            
Said George should have carte blancho                       
To hire and fire                                            
At his sole desire,                                         
'Cause he should have his own Gestap-cho.                   
                                                            
25148 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  08-29-02    



The director of Homeland Security                           
Does not like to talk in obscurity,                         
And in case it seems wise                                   
To tell a few lies,                                         
He won't swear to truth or to purity.                       
                                                            
25149 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  05-01-02    



To criticize Bush isn't fair,                               
For not stopping the September nightmare.                   
Even though FBI                                             
Knew Al Qaeda could fly,                                    
You'll find no intelligence there.                          
                                                            
25150 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Limerick Savant          



The GOP is quite emphatic;                                  
The screw-up was just bureaucratic;                         
They're afraid if their role                                
Is not spun and controlled,                                 
Then Congress will go Democratic.                           
                                                            
25151 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  05-25-02    



The FBI's Mueller will rue                                  
The day he said, "What should we do?"                       
But though FBI's lonely,                                    
It's hardly the only                                        
Agency without a clue.                                      
                                                            
25152 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  11-02-01    



A pig, flying first class for free,                         
As a passengers's pork therapy,                             
Went off on a tear                                          
With the plane in mid-air,                                  
From cocktails complimentary.                               
                                                            
25153 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  11-30-00    



US Airways endured a black eye                              
When the pig ran amok in the sky.                           
Now our own FAA                                             
Says that it was okay,                                      
But it'll be years 'til you see a pig fly.                  
                                                            
25154 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  11-30-00    



Welfare kids hoped their ship would come in,                
But Jeb Bush's new child mandarin                           
Of most senior rank,                                        
Thinks it's no crime to spank,                              
And leave bruises or welts on the skin!                     
                                                            
25155 DUBYA - BUREAUS                                         



Pursuing his notion of purity,                              
King George wants to strip the security                     
From the servants civil,                                    
Who keep watchful vigil,                                    
In underpaid, thankless obscurity.                          
                                                            
25156 DUBYA - BUREAUS                Dr Limerick  09-04-02    



Old Dubya is in hot pursuit                                 
Of the job that will bear him much fruit.                   
His goal he says -- education,                              
Big Tobacco and NRA teach our nation,                       
Just how to smoke and to shoot.                             
                                                            
25157 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Dad                      



Let's see how each CEO crook,                               
Who faked the big corporate book,                           
Will fare there in court.                                   
Since he's come up short,                                   
I'm guessing he'll get off the hook.                        
                                                            
25158 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Chris Papa               



WorldCom saw a green light                                  
At the fetes of inaugural night;                            
As they danced the last dance,                              
They saw their big chance                                   
With the prospects of punishment slight.                    
                                                            
25159 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Dr Limerick              



The passage of time will reveal                             
More examples of people who feel                            
Bush vs. Gore                                               
Opened the door                                             
When accounting rules all were repealed.                    
                                                            
25160 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Dr Limerick              



The WorldCom executives say,                                
"Hey, what about Skilling and Lay?                          
If they ain't indicted,                                     
The inference invited:                                      
"For friends of the Prez, crime will pay."                  
                                                            
25161 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Dr Limerick              



The U.N. passed a resolution                                
Many thought a fair solution.                               
Dubya smirked his smirk;                                    
Said, "I'll off that jerk.                                  
It'll help our crude oil distribution."                     
                                                            
25162 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Anon                     



Make accountants accountable!  See                          
You get auditors audited!  We                               
Learn the Bush paradigm,                                    
To fight corporate crime.                                   
But then what should executives be?                         
                                                            
25163 DUBYA - CORPORATE                                       



I'm predicting that my S.E.C.                               
Exonerates Cheney and me;                                   
They'll whitewash a while,                                  
Then nod, wink, and smile,                                  
And say we're as clean as can be.                           
                                                            
25164 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Dr Limerick              



Farewell to two thousand and two;                           
Trent Lott and Enron bad adieu.                             
Priestly scandals abounding,                                
Foreign dictators hounding,                                 
And layoffs are making me blue.                             
                                                            
25165 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Lynn Mostafa             



Slow justice is Justice denied;                             
And though it seems logic defied                            
The sum of all fears,                                       
It surely appears                                           
That very few ever'll be tried.                             
                                                            
25166 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Chris Papa               



And those tried will even insist,                           
Each was but a philanthropist.                              
And judge will agree,                                       
(He's paid off, you see.)                                   
And give them a tap on the wrist.                           
                                                            
25167 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Chris Papa               



To my words Dubya Bush, you must harken;                    
The hounds of suspicion are barkin'.                        
Of your insider trading                                     
The proof isn 't fading,                                    
And the true facts, your image will darken.                 
                                                            
25168 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



The lot of them should go to jail,                          
The CPA's puffing the sail;                                 
The lawyers and such                                        
With their legal touch,                                     
That still keep them out free on bail.                      
                                                            
25169 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Chris Papa               



Dear Dubya will rant and will rail,                         
"Those executive thieves we must nail."                     
But it's all just talk;                                     
At action he'll balk                                        
'Cause he won't put his buddies in jail.                    
                                                            
25170 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



Dubya claims he'll exact retribution                        
From crooks in the financial institution.                   
Tell me why, I pray,                                        
That as of today,                                           
There are still no indictments in Houston.                  
                                                            
25171 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



George Senior had never defected                            
From the lure of his oil interests protected.               
He called on his son,                                       
George Dubya, the gun,                                      
To play with his toys, once elected.                        
                                                            
25172 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Andy Sammut              



As Bush read his corporate speech,                          
The markets found new lows to reach.                        
His proposals are toothless                                 
And executives, ruthless,                                   
Will laugh as the new regs they breach.                     
                                                            
25173 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Dr Limerick              



Those AVATARS of Wall Street shame;                         
The brokers who would shift the blame                       
To CEO friend,                                              
Whose favors extend                                         
To let them in their greedy game.                           
                                                            
25174 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Chris Papa               



An accountant from Glasgow named Mac                        
Told his client, "It must be a hack,                        
For your company is                                         
Doing excellent bizz.                                       
It should be quite well in the black!"                      
                                                            
25175 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Alexander Baron          



Fines for fraud should be made very high,                   
But our lawmakers simply won't try.                         
They're awfully benign                                      
Toward white collar crime,                                  
Because, "There, if l'm caught, will go I."                 
                                                            
25176 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



King George did a favor for Jebby,                          
To trick local voters to think, maybe                       
For oil they'll not drill,                                  
But we all know they will,                                  
Right after the votes of Novembie.                          
                                                            
25177 DUBYA - CORPORATE              Dr Limerick  05-30-02    



Were Anderson and Enron in bed,                             
While investors were being misled?                          
SEC's seeking proof                                         
But the two stay aloof                                      
From the Feds who cannot find a shred.                      
                                                            
25178 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Limerick Savant          



When Enron and such all imploded,                           
And the stockholders' money eroded,                         
CEOs, with a sneer,                                         
Had an excellent year,                                      
Claiming, "I didn't know it was loaded."                    
                                                            
25179 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



Enron shouldn't have been in the red;                       
"Things are peachy," the auditors said.                     
Arthur Anderson's guys                                      
Had their tricks and their lies,                            
But integrity?  Hardly a "shred."                           
                                                            
25180 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Larry Hollister          



It's a risk to invest, so we're told;                       
Just like Enron, your fortune might fold.                   
When your own CEO                                           
Rips you off, you should know                               
To get even, wait 'til he's paroled.                        
                                                            
25181 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Larry Hollister          



When push came to shove, Kenneth Lay,                       
Swept morality out of the way.                              
The investors he'd wooed                                    
Were now totally screwed.                                   
And now where will the poor Astros play?                    
(Astros played in Enron Stadium)                            
25182 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Larry Hollister          



Substantial donations to Bush                               
May have given these fellows a push.                        
Giving money to Cheney                                      
Was also quite brainy,                                      
But everyone's now saying "Shush!"                          
                                                            
25183 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Larry Hollister          



Since you're leaving, we're all going to miss you,          
And the best of good fortune we wish you.                   
'Cause the value today                                      
Of you 401-k                                                
Is a tad less than one Kleenex tissue.                      
                                                            
25184 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Larry Hollister          



Government; Business is fun                                 
Bean Counters say "Diligence done!"                         
They look straight in your eyes                             
And tell you their lies.                                    
Then take the money Enron!                                  
                                                            
25185 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Richard E Olsen          



General Thomas E White                                      
Made power's price soar overnight,                          
To rape California                                          
Of its cpa-cornia                                           
And collet lots of cash for the Right.                      
                                                            
25186 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  05-08-02    



Dubya says corporate wrongs should be righted,              
Lest the public's faith would be blighted.                  
With Skilling, Lay, and Fastow,                             
Using Enron as their cash cow,                              
How come nobody in Houston's been indicted.                 
                                                            
25187 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



BALNEOLOGY, says polymath,                                  
May not have a good aftermath.                              
For post dot.com con                                        
And dear old Enron,                                         
All investors have taken a bath.                            
                                                            
25188 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Daniel Ford              



How apt should a corporate logo be?                         
It should show a firm's philosophy.                         
Ken Lay made a perfect choice                               
As he rode in his Rolls Royce;                              
For Enron, he used the crooked E.                           
                                                            
25189 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Bush and Cheney want people to think                        
Between Enron and them, there's no link.                    
GAO asks for info;                                          
The Bushes say "Hell No"!                                   
Their refusal is causing a stink.                           
                                                            
25190 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Parker Waterman     P0203



If you had any lingering notion                             
That Bush would show zeal and devotion                      
To clearing the air                                         
Over his tender care                                        
Of Enron, just dump that emotion.                           
                                                            
25191 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  02-05-02    



We don't need no special prosecutor!                        
My DOJ trouble-shooters,                                    
Will follow the money                                       
Like flies after honey,                                     
And see that our traces are obscutered.                     
                                                            
25192 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  02-05-02    



As the White House is coming unraveled,                     
Senator Lieberman as chairman, has gaveled                  
The committee vote                                          
To demand the whole tote,                                   
At which the poor Bushies have caviled.                     
(Lieberman has subpoened Enron records)                     
25193 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  05-22-02    



The smoking-gun memo's been found;                          
It shows Enron's plan for its pound                         
Of Golden State flesh;                                      
Electricity's mesh                                          
Will not work if some plants we shut down.                  
                                                            
25194 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  05-07-02    



Enron did a fierce evil deed,                               
A ghoulish GOLCONDA of greed,                               
With stealing obscene,                                      
The CEO's preen,                                            
While honest employees just bleed.                          
                                                            
25195 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Chris Papa               



Enron's CEO, Kenneth L Lay,                                 
Is having a very bad day.                                   
His accounting is funny;                                    
He ran out of money;                                        
A judge will soon put him away.                             
                                                            
25196 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Parker Waterman     P0203



The lawyers who counsel Kenneth Lay                         
Came forward this morning to say                            
He won't testify                                            
And the rason why                                           
Is that Senators minds he can't sway.                       
                                                            
25197 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  02-03-02    



They must have forgotten to mention                         
That Lay would be smart for abstention.                     
Revelations each day                                        
Make it evident Lay                                         
Will be spending some time in detention.                    
                                                            
25198 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  02-03-02    



Someone should warn Kenneth Lay,                            
The Senate's a poor place to play                           
On-upmanship games;                                         
These Senator aim                                           
To teach him they'll brook no delay.                        
                                                            
25199 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  02-04-02    



The guys who fostered Enron's dissolution,                  
We fear were granted blanket absolution.                    
Mr Lay and his minions,                                     
Keep ill-gotten millions;                                   
Is this linked to campaign contribution?                    
                                                            
25200 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Since the rape of the Enron institution,                    
There's been no hint of trial or retribution.               
Skilling, Faskow and Lay,                                   
Go on their merry way;                                      
This is linked to campaign contributions.                   
                                                            
25201 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A year past the energy crisis,                              
At last, FERC will view the devices                         
Used by Enron, et alia,                                     
To cause market failure,                                    
Yielding cash of which Bush got large slices.               
                                                            
25202 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  02-13-02    



Kenneth Lay, who's the QB of Enron,                         
Knew just what to spend extra cash on;                      
To the GOP                                                  
He gave lavishly,                                           
As Anderson fell for his end run.                           
                                                            
25203 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  12-03-01    



Unaware the firm's on its last legs,                        
The employees put in their nest eggs.                       
But Kenneth was selling                                     
And surely not telling,                                     
Their savings would soon be goose eggs.                     
                                                            
25204 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Dr Limerick  12-03-01    



Just how Enron went down for the count,                     
While executives spared no amount                           
Of stockholders savings,                                    
To sate their own cravings;                                 
Even Anderson cannot account.                               
                                                            
25205 DUBYA - CORPORATE - ENRON      Limerick Savant          



There once was a Washington twit                            
Whose policy smelled just like shit.                        
We sink in depression;                                      
Free speech in supression.                                  
Solution?  Professional hit.                                
                                                            
25206 DUBYA - CRITICS                Hugh Clary               



You're taking grave risks if you say                        
That the pinhead who runs U.S.A.                            
Should be snuffed.  Ashcroft's guys                         
Will give you a surprise:                                   
One-way trip to Guantanamo Bay.                             
                                                            
25207 DUBYA - CRITICS                Scott Cramer             



Local Republicans ought,                                    
Whenever by voters they're caught                           
Helping Bush subsidize                                      
A bunch of rich guys,                                       
To say, Bush is the one who was bought.                     
                                                            
25208 DUBYA - CRITICS                Dr Limerick  11-04-01    



Not caring if the polls say no,                             
So says the face Dubya does show.                           
But this song and dance                                     
And the damn-the-polls stance,                              
He takes because the poll say so!                           
                                                            
25209 DUBYA - CRITICS                Phil T                   



I used to like Texas a lot.                                 
It's home of the Pun-off, and hot.                          
But it gave us Dubya.                                       
Now doesn't that trouble ya?                                
Do I still like it?  Well, not!                             
                                                            
25210 DUBYA - CRITICS                Cynthia MacGregor        



Hey, I've got some pics of my own!                          
Two nuns sucking mountain goat bone,                        
While G. W. Bush                                            
Fucks the goat in the tush.                                 
Well its gotta be him or his clone.                         
                                                            
25211 DUBYA - CRITICS                                         



I've got some of house speaker Newt,                        
Blowing G W's skin flute,                                   
While two negro pages                                       
Are earning their wages,                                    
By poking them both up the poot.                            
                                                            
25212 DUBYA - CRITICS                                         



Where did Bush get the delusion                             
He's Gulliver, we're Lilliputians?                          
His success is on basis                                     
Of Pop's friends in high places,                            
And contempt for the U.S. Constitution.                     
                                                            
25213 DUBYA - CRITICS                Dr Limerick  02-08-02    



The protesters caused so much grief                         
By yelling out "Hail to the Thief",                         
That to prevent such abuse,                                 
Until Florida's defused,                                    
Bush won't let bands play "Hail to the Chief".              
                                                            
25214 DUBYA - CRITICS                Dr Limerick  02-05-01    



When you think that you run the Free World,                 
And your mind is all twisted and curled,                    
And your dad was the same,                                  
Just who is to blame,                                       
As your halfwitted plans are unfurled.                      
                                                            
25215 DUBYA - CRITICS                Sue Carey                



Inauguration's planned demonstration                        
At Dubya's inauguration,                                    
Is drawing the eyes                                         
Of undercover-cop spies;                                    
They complained of this infiltration.                       
                                                            
25216 DUBYA - CRITICS                Election 2000            



They say he's most charming and debonair                    
And his moral lapses are really quite rare;                 
And our Pres is a whiz                                      
At the fund raising biz;                                    
But as for the White House: He's never there!               
                                                            
25217 DUBYA - CRITICS                Lynn Mostafa             



There was an ex-president named Bill,                       
Who ran the nation with great skill.                        
To the Repubs surprise,                                     
The surplus and job rise.                                   
Now Dubya has deleted the till.                             
                                                            
25218 DUBYA - CRITICS                                         



King George hates to be second guessed;                     
He'd rather see nods and be yessed.                         
Which is why he adores                                      
The officer corps                                           
And hand-picked Republican guests.                          
                                                            
25219 DUBYA - CRITICS                Dr Limerick  05-17-02    



The President of France named Chirac                        
Gave Dubya's domination a shock.                            
It's not either-or;                                         
"'Tis war I abhor.                                          
You're not the only kid on the block."                      
                                                            
25220 DUBYA - CRITICS                Anon                     



There was a young man in a rush,                            
Whose head was the same as his tush.                        
His rectum and brain                                        
Contained one and the same;                                 
Never short of manure: George Bush.                         
                                                            
25221 DUBYA - CRITICS                Chris Cleirigh           



Bush wants you to think it's a sign                         
Of his confident aura sublime.                              
But most of us see                                          
The old tendency                                            
To return to the scene of the crime.                        
(Bush goes to Florida)                                      
25222 DUBYA - CRITICS                Dr Limerick  03-11-01    



In the White House we have Dick and Bush,                   
Which is symbolic for pull and push.                        
With Bush at the head                                       
And Dick by his stead,                                      
They'll screw our American tush!                            
                                                            
25223 DUBYA - CRITICS                                         



I'll accuse George of everything vile,                      
And point out he lies with a smile.                         
I will slander his wife                                     
And his mother; his life                                    
Will be open for public defile.                             
                                                            
25224 DUBYA - CRITICS                Jeanie                   



I will hold up his sins for inspection;                     
His past business deals lack convention.                    
And make certain he's hung                                  
For all sins done while young;                              
Hint he's guilty of murder, sans conviction.                
                                                            
25225 DUBYA - CRITICS                Jeanie                   



While I'm at it, I'll make fun of his kid.                  
And shine light on each thing that he's hid.                
I will lay at his door                                      
All those horrors and more...                               
After all, that's what the GOP did.                         
                                                            
25226 DUBYA - CRITICS                Jeanie                   



As he signed farmer-aid legislation,                        
He praised values that support our nation.                  
"Unlike a federal clerk,                                    
Farmers value hard work!"                                   
Then 'twas time to resume his vacation.                     
                                                            
25227 DUBYA - CRITICS                Dr Limerick              



Good wishes to twenty-ought-three.                          
First: the return of prosperity.                            
Better weather'd be nice;                                   
And less CEO vice.                                          
Stop saber-rattling; try diplomacy.                         
                                                            
25228 DUBYA - CRITICS                Lynn Mostafa             



Republicans fight with the dirt                             
'Cause Dubya is now a dead cert                             
To lose when he runs,                                       
Because the big guns                                        
Of business have now lost their shirt.                      
                                                            
25229 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Archie                   



As we're climbing up out of recession,                      
The House, in a triumphant session                          
Approved a fine bill,                                       
Its sponsors say will                                       
Give stimulus, after a fashion.                             
                                                            
25230 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick  03-07-02    



For people, when working they're not,                       
Will get more checks than they had thought.                 
For business, a write-off                                   
Of costs that they bite off;                                
And a few scraps to sweeten the pot.                        
                                                            
25231 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick  03-07-02    



Consumers are drasticly easin'                              
Spending, this holiday season.                              
The experts are guessin',                                   
A comin' recession                                          
Is some little part of the reason.                          
                                                            
25232 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Election 2000            



The bears are outrunning the steers,                        
Exponentially stoking our fears;                            
George Dubya Hoover                                         
Was not the prime mover,                                    
But he's in there now, earning jeers.                       
                                                            
25233 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick              



Whether it is the national debt                             
Or some terrible terrorist threat,                          
You can see from the smug                                   
And bored look on his mug,                                  
Such things do not cause Bush to fret.                      
                                                            
25234 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Phil T                   



In New York I heard Ed Rendell speak.                       
What he had to say made my knees weak.                      
His fiscal solution                                         
Is pure convolution                                         
Of budget management.  Things look bleak.                   
                                                            
25235 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Al Bienstock             



Mississippi is ahead of us                                  
And he thinks that for them it's a plus.                    
Take on bond debt, says he.                                 
Those with sense don't agree --                             
That non-starter we shouldn't discuss.                      
                                                            
25236 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Al Bienstock             



If Rendell gets his way, you can bet                        
One of the things we're sure to get                         
Is a mortgage to pay                                        
By our children some day.                                   
He says that we don't have enough debt.                     
                                                            
25237 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Al Bienstock             



The legislature must have the guts                          
To impose deep and tough budget cuts.                       
We should not just borrow                                   
Against some tomorrow --                                    
If they adopt Rendell's plan , they're nuts!                
                                                            
25238 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Al Bienstock             



The impending election truce'll                             
Return us to business as usual.                             
Approaching disaster                                        
Means interest falls faster,                                
Which for a healthy market is crucial.                      
                                                            
25239 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Election 2000            



What is the latest update                                   
On the national jobless rate?                               
It's growing faster                                         
Than an Oleaster  (Russian olive)                           
On abandoned real estate.                                   
                                                            
25240 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Timothy Torkildson       



The economy's hitting the brakes,                           
Giving brokers and traders the shakes.                      
Now experts opine                                           
Interest rates will decline,                                
But that may not be all that it takes.                      
                                                            
25241 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Election 2000            



The Dow-Jones did nothing at all,                           
Despite Bush's clarion call.                                
And reiteration                                             
Of "self-regulation"                                        
But of real reform, none at all.                            
                                                            
25242 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick              



The White House gets blame or gets credit                   
For the way the economy's headed.                           
But with every word                                         
We're not reassured,                                        
As Bush shows he just doesn't get it.                       
                                                            
25243 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick              



When jobs are quite easy to find,                           
You needn't endure the old grind.                           
Now things are much harder,                                 
So you play the martyr,                                     
And pray your old grind don't unwind.                       
                                                            
25244 DUBYA - ECONOMY                M Silverstein       P0304



It's clear that our make-believe POTUS                      
Is hoping that no one will notice                           
That fiscal disaster                                        
Came deeper and faster,                                     
Than promised last spring when he snowed us.                
                                                            
25245 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick              



It's official; we're in a recession,                        
Together with war and repression;                           
Throw in some anthrax                                       
Or airborne attacks --                                      
If you ask me, it's a depression.                           
                                                            
25246 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick  11-26-01    



In a land once obsessed with consuming,                     
More and more folks have now begun pruning.                 
'Bout spending they're nervous                              
And the debt that they service.                             
Could this mean recession is looming?                       
                                                            
25247 DUBYA - ECONOMY                M Silverstein       P0304



States with right-to-work laws often gain                   
Economically, while others wane.                            
That's proved time and again,                               
So I'd like to know when                                    
PA will pass laws to stop the drain.  (Pennsylvania)        
                                                            
25248 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Al Bienstock             



For a state's economic success,                             
It's work force can't be under duress,                      
To pay union dues.                                          
Each, for himself, should choose.                           
Pensylvania for Right To Work -- Yes!                       
                                                            
25249 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Al Bienstock             



Uncle Sam said to industry, "Please                         
Ship more of your goods overseas.                           
Some simple tax breaks                                      
Are all that it takes --                                    
You'll capture their markets with ease."                    
                                                            
25250 DUBYA - ECONOMY                Dr Limerick  08-30-02    



Superfund's breakthrough solution,                          
Was Polluters must pay for pollution.                       
But naturally Bush,                                         
By puppeteers pushed,                                       
Gave polluters complete absolution.                         
                                                            
25251 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  02-24-02    



A down market's up for George Bush;                         
His tax cut would be easy to push.                          
Alaskan oil wells                                           
Are an easier sell,                                         
And in '04, he'll draw a straight flush.                    
                                                            
25252 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Election 2000            



The Bush regime's policy's forming                          
To slow or to halt global warming;                          
It's paralysis                                              
By analysis,                                                
So we can keep SUV's swarming.                              
                                                            
25253 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick              



He nixed filters on water supplies;                         
When people asked why, he replies,                          
"It's Clinton's reliance                                    
On unfounded science."                                      
That's more arsenic and old lies.                           
                                                            
25254 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  03-29-01    



The US uses the Earth like a john,                          
So everyone gets shat upon.                                 
We say "Kyoto!"                                             
Dubya says "Oh no!                                          
I much prefer making a pong."                               
                                                            
25255 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT                                     



Says Dubya, "What's a prexy to do?                          
I hate breaking my promise to you.                          
But the energy lobby                                        
Will be sad and sobby,                                      
If I act to restrict CO2.                                   
                                                            
25256 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick              



Polluters and tax cheats will find                          
That rather than jail time or fines,                        
When entering bids                                          
For work for the Feds,                                      
They'll see that they set first in line.                    
                                                            
25257 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  12-31-01    



Dubya has a solution for trees                              
That's brought the country to its knees.                    
Don't let them burn brown;                                  
Just cut them all down.                                     
No fuel, no fires!  Yesirree!                               
                                                            
25258 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Julia Bunting            



The economy would improve;                                  
The country would get up and move.                          
Let lumber lords flourish,                                  
To small critters be boorish,                               
Let the atmosphere get plenty poorish.                      
                                                            
25259 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Julia Bunting            



The G.O.P. house has elected                                
To cut funds by which beef's inspected.                     
"We'll have laissez-faire,                                  
Not Upton Sinclair;                                         
So what if some folks get infected?"                        
                                                            
25260 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick              



The Prez-elect Bush, acting nice,                           
And warning of immenent cris-                               
Is; A fossil-fuel shortage,                                 
So he want's to mortgage                                    
The tundra, and drill under ice.                            
                                                            
25261 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Election 2000            



America won't help clean the world,                         
'Cause old Dubya's got his flag unfurled.                   
His head's up his ass                                       
With the pollutant gas;                                     
We'll have to wait 'til he is uncurled.                     
                                                            
25262 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT                                     



We've stopped throwing trash in the street;                 
We are really so much more discreet.                        
With catalytic converter,                                   
Our cars will not hurt her;                                 
When are YOU going to get clean and neat?                   
                                                            
25263 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT                                     



I can't cut pollution from fuels                            
When Bush and his corporate tools                           
Wreck all my efforts,                                       
Then scheme and endeavor                                    
To eviscerate all of the rules.                             
(head of EPA)                                               
25264 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  02-28-02    



Bush stands up in front of the nation                       
And claims he'll promote conservation.                      
But on the Big Board,                                       
Fossil Fuels soared --                                      
No one's buying this characterization.                      
                                                            
25265 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  05-18-01    



As a candidate, Dubya came courtin';                        
The moderate mask he was sportin'.                          
But for savin' the Earth,                                   
He could hardly do worse                                    
That the Watt protege, Gale Norton.                         
                                                            
25266 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Election 2000            



To help Bush decide what to do,                             
D.C. lawyers gave thorough review;                          
They found a direct                                         
And chilling effect                                         
On their clients, so to Clean Air, adieu.                   
                                                            
25267 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  05-27-01    



Why is it that George W                                     
So totally hates caribou?                                   
In Europe these same deer                                   
Are a/k/a reindeer;                                         
Maybe Santa once stiffed you know who.                      
                                                            
25268 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick              



Conservatives in this administration                        
Their name and deeds bear small correlation.                
They put loopholes and flaws                                
In environmental laws;                                      
Those conservatives don't practice conservation;            
                                                            
25269 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



In Federal Court the brave judge                            
Said, "Mines must stop dumping their sludge                 
In streams Appalachian,                                     
In this wanton fashion;                                     
They're the color and texture of fudge."                    
                                                            
25270 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  05-09-02    



At the poles all the water was pooling,                     
And the eco-freaks said Mars was cooling.                   
But business-as-usual                                       
Was thought to be crucial,                                  
So the leaders said, those guys were fooling.               
                                                            
25271 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  05-30-02    



All at once, they were right on the brink,                  
With no time remaining to think.                            
They'd left it too late                                     
To remediate,                                               
And the Martians by now are extinct.                        
                                                            
25272 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Dr Limerick  05-29-02    



The Earth is all festering and pus;                         
Dubya says, "Why y'all makin' this fuss?                    
We ain't doin' no cleanin',                                 
If y'all get my meanin'.                                    
It just ain't convenient for us!"                           
                                                            
25273 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Tony Burrell             



The question, it seems, of the day,                         
And one that just won't go away,                            
Is, "What's the solution                                    
To water pollution,                                         
And water we going to pay."                                 
                                                            
25274 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Cynthia MacGregor        



Thought our lake could avoid "silent spring"?               
Now Eirie has an ominous ring,                              
Since researchers have learned                              
That the dead zones returned,                               
In a plot line that's pure Stephen King.                    
                                                            
25275 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Limerick Savant          



New rules will increase air pollution;                      
For utilities, a cost diminution.                           
As all of us know                                           
It was quid pro quo,                                        
For a large Bush campaign contribution.                     
                                                            
25276 DUBYA - ENVIRONMENT            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



The Christian Right long has been wishin'                   
To claim that October position.                             
I think it's a sign                                         
Of God's Will divine;                                       
Leave November for actual Christians.                       
                                                            
25277 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick              



The Framers, in Article VI                                  
Said that religion is nexed                                 
As qualification,                                           
For serving the nation,                                     
To prevent just his sort of cheap tricks.                   
                                                            
25278 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick              



To dodge legislative distaste                               
For relying on outfits faith-based,                         
The Bushies now say                                         
They can do it their way,                                   
Sans democracy's annoying time-waste.                       
                                                            
25279 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick              



When the budget is drafted in haste,                        
And revenue forecasts are waste;                            
When defense gobbles up                                     
What's left from the tax cut,                               
Social Services all are faith-based.                        
                                                            
25280 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick              



"With God's help," said George at the end,                  
"I'll Govern."  What does this portend?                     
It seems pretty scary,                                      
Putting trust in a fairy,                                   
Or other imaginary friend.                                  
                                                            
25281 DUBYA - FAITH BASED                                     



Public funds for parochial schools                          
Is a goal for which the Right Wing drools;                  
Acadamies Christian                                         
Will make it their mission                                  
To brainwash the kids to their rules.                       
                                                            
25282 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick              



Another big point in its favor                              
Is the harm it does organized labor.                        
AFT, NEA,                                                   
Will wither away,                                           
And their Democrat PAC's go to vapor.                       
                                                            
25283 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick              



You'd think that the big Day of Prayer                      
Would be organized with some care.                          
But King George, the POTUS                                  
Says he didn't notice                                       
That Muslims and Jews weren't there.                        
                                                            
25284 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick  05-02-02    



George's claim the decision's historic,                     
Is not merely words allegoric;                              
Restoring the legal                                         
"Separate but equal"                                        
Standard makes racists euphoric.                            
                                                            
25285 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Dr Limerick              



With his brand of commandments to follow,                   
The justice's judgment seems hollow.                        
He's unwilling to jettison                                  
His religiose 'medicine,'                                   
But those tablets are too much to swallow.                  
                                                            
25286 DUBYA - FAITH BASED            Jerry Nordal        P0310



Abdullah the Second of Jordan                               
Gave Cheney and Bush a stern warnin':                       
"If you fight Iraq,                                         
You're in for a shock;                                      
To their aid, will their neighbors come swarmin'."          
                                                            
25287 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick  03-12-02    



To Israel, Russia, Japan,                                   
Venezuela, China (twice), Pakistan,                         
And all the EU,                                             
Now add Canada too                                          
To the countries annoyed by our man.                        
                                                            
25288 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick              



Said Baldwin to Bush, "I'll mail ya                         
A letter from southern Australia,                           
If it happens we should                                     
Meet in Cal., Hollywood,                                    
As the President I will hail ya."                           
                                                            
25289 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Tom Patton          P0206



To Iran and Iraq and Korea:                                 
I'm sure that you get the idea --                           
As the Usurper's grip                                       
On Washingon slips,                                         
He'll be tossing you missiles nuclea.                       
                                                            
25290 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick  01-30-02    



In Bush and Le Pen we have Fascists                         
Emerging from Cold War's hot ashes.                         
Xenophobia, fear                                            
Will strip their veneer,                                    
And lead to more Third World clashes.                       
                                                            
25291 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick  05-10-02    



Said Putin as he signed the treaty,                         
"I know that I'll soon be the cheatee --                    
Right after elections,                                      
I'm sure you'll reneg on                                    
Any clause for which business is greedy."                   
                                                            
25292 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick  05-13-02    



Whereas Clinton gave China the store,                       
Bush's actions say "not any more!"                          
Though to some it seems rash --                             
No more secrets for cash!                                   
And their protestations we'll ignore.                       
                                                            
25293 DUBYA - FOREIGN                                         



Bush dealt with a tense situation                           
With a clever and sly innovation;                           
What read in Chinese                                        
As apologies,                                               
Fell just short of that in translation.                     
                                                            
25294 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick              



Libs like me may be loath to admit it,                      
But Dubya quite well acquitted                              
Himself in the crisis,                                      
Though our spy devices,                                     
Chinese aircraft will soon be outfitted.                    
                                                            
25295 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick              



George Dubya a tall Texas dude,                             
Who thinks that he's tough, cool, and shrewd.               
"Saddam must be removed!                                    
The UN is to be eschewed!"                                  
An example of West Texas Crude.                             
                                                            
25296 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Munaiba Khan             



The checks and the polls, George agrees,                    
Have Bill and John choked to cerise,                        
While the masses adore                                      
All the thrift of Al Gore,                                  
Whose campaign is still flying Chinese.                     
                                                            
25297 DUBYA - FOREIGN                                         



If you read today's headlines, you'll see                   
Why I must veto I.C.C. --                                   
A court with a role                                         
Beyond my control,                                          
Would probably soon indict me.                              
(Internation Criminal Court)                                
25298 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick              



Once Dubya, the top man from the States,                    
Played 'round with folk's fears and their hates.            
Of color, of creed,                                         
And of word, and of deed;                                   
Well, he's got John and Tony for mates.                     
(John Howard and Tony Blair)                                
25299 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Jo McGahey               



Coming soon to a TV set near ya',                           
Libya, Cuba and Syria;                                      
A new bad-guy axis                                          
'Cause what King George lacks is                            
A fresh dose of public hysteria.                            
                                                            
25300 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick  05-07-02    



When the Russians control Kyber Pass,                       
All the 'Stans must pipe oil and gas                        
Up through Mother Russia,                                   
On whom they will usher                                     
Strategic advantage, at last.                               
                                                            
25301 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick  11-28-01    



Our oilmen, Cheney and Bush,                                
Really should have foreseen this ambush;                    
Which leads to concludin'                                   
When visiting Putin,                                        
Bush really took one in the tush.                           
                                                            
25302 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick  11-29-01    



George Dubya's a strange Texas lad                          
Who's trying to outdo his dad.                              
He's wrecked the mid-east                                   
And he threatens world peace,                               
Yet he says that Saddam is BAD!                             
                                                            
25303 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Munaiba Khan             



In a move both abrupt and egregious,                        
Bush won't sell Taiwan the new Aegis.                       
His advisers and lawyers                                    
Say subs and destroyers                                     
Will do fine, although not as prestigious.                  
                                                            
25304 DUBYA - FOREIGN                Dr Limerick              



Up Dubya's fat ass went a pair                              
Of forceps, to find what was there.                         
They pulled out a dollop,                                   
They thought was a polyp,                                   
But no, it was dumb Tony Blair.                             
                                                            
25305 DUBYA - FOREIGN                                         



Says Bush to his head prefect, Blair:                       
"You and Howard can search over there.                      
HANDS OUT OF POCKETS!                                       
Find me some rockets!                                       
The bastards are hidden somewhere."                         
                                                            
25306 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    John Dengate             



The time it is coming to wake up;                           
This government needs a huge shakeup.                       
It's vicious and cruel;                                     
Just a one man rule;                                        
To expel him is something to take up.                       
                                                            
25307 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Melanie Alexander        



My wife and I just love your land,                          
Especially in the palm of my hand.                          
You've shown yourself willing                               
To help with the killing.                                   
Keep up the good work, understand?                          
                                                            
25308 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    North Family             



Now we surely can't feel so dejected                        
At the thought of our country rejected                      
By the world; all aghast                                    
While we suck up George's ass,                              
Just so Johnny can be reelected.                            
                                                            
25309 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Andy Sammut              



There's a horrible hothead from Texas,                      
Who's coming on Thursday to vex us.                         
The message we'll hear                                      
Is of terror and fear;                                      
More armies we need to protect us.                          
                                                            
25310 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    John Collins             



The trade deal he sold so completely;                       
The President tied it up neatly.                            
We're owned by them now,                                    
Without even a row.                                         
John will deny it all meekly.                               
                                                            
25311 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Melanie Alexander        



A stupid old man from Texas,                                
Who helps cheat the world of its excess                     
By breaking some laws                                       
And waging some wars,                                       
Now fights the general consensus.                           
                                                            
25312 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Adam Thwaites            



So Bush will enjoy his reception,                           
Half of his claps are deception.                            
They'll rise from their seat                                
And suffer the heat;                                        
Raw power demands no exception.                             
                                                            
25313 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    John Collis              



The MP's complained: "We're at reat!"                       
Little Johnny yelled: "He's our guest!                      
He's our god, do you hear?                                  
He inspires awe and fear,                                   
And this could be the ultimate test!"                       
                                                            
25314 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    North Family             



When Dubya hits Australian soil,                            
We'll wecome him just like a Royal.                         
No expense will be spared;                                  
We'll strip the vaults bare.                                
Now doesn't that make your blood boil?                      
                                                            
25315 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    North Family             



The President came to see John;                             
They both had been terribly wrong.                          
The two of them blew it;                                    
The people they knew it.                                    
'Twas time for them both to move on.                        
                                                            
25316 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Melanie Alexander        



John simpered and trembled and shook;                       
George reduced him to mush with one look.                   
Then he patted John's head,                                 
Puffed his chest out and said:                              
"You know John, you're my kind of crook!"                   
                                                            
25317 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    North Family             



A gun-toting Texan named Dubya                              
Will come by to tell Howard, "I love ya.  (John Howard      
And I'll swear you're my friend            PM of Oz)        
While you kiss my rear end,                                 
But the minute is suits me, I'll shove ya."                 
                                                            
25318 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Jo McGahey               



There once was a Prez called Shrub                          
Whose swagger revealed but a nub.                           
His trip down under                                         
Caused masses to chunder,                                   
And long for old Moni and Bubb.  (Monica and Clinton)       
                                                            
25319 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Sue Carey                



The Devil was coming down under;                            
The people they rallied like thunder.                       
The placard flying;                                         
The people were crying:                                     
"Go home, George!  This war is a blunder!"                  
                                                            
25320 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Melanie Alexander        



There was a President from Texas,                           
Who had Saddam Hussein for his breakfast.                   
But while passing a stool,                                  
The silly old fool                                          
Found John Howard stuck up his rectus.                      
                                                            
25321 DUBYA - FOREIGN - AUSTRALIA    Gordon Floyd             



Dubya's fixin' to fight                                     
If he loses on election night.                              
He'll apply all his tools                                   
To bending the rules,                                       
So the electoral college votes Right!                       
                                                            
25322 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick  11-01-00    



Bush shares in the corporate views                          
That him who shall snooze shall then lose.                  
Says he: "Dont you whine                                    
Just because I got mine!                                    
You'd a-done the same thing in my shoes!"                   
                                                            
25323 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick              



Old Dubya is a smug clever man.                             
He evaded the draft in Viet Nam.                            
Then with very small reason,                                
Declared open season                                        
On Iraq, Korea, and Iran.                                   
                                                            
25324 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Jo McGahey               



Bush joins a long line of execs                             
Attempting to save their own necks.                         
They claim to know nothing                                  
To see if we're bluffing,                                   
And to see what's in store for them next.                   
                                                            
25325 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick              



The amnesiac chorus defaults                                
To the ploy we can call "Sergeant Schultz,'                 
Pretend you don't see                                       
So that you cannot be                                       
Held accountable for the results.                           
                                                            
25326 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick              



"We'll defend to beyond the last ditch,                     
The papers that pardoned Marc Rich;                         
Rest assured that we will                                   
Leak the ones shaming Bill,                                 
But let us decide which ones are which.                     
                                                            
25327 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick  08-27-02    



Bush promised, as we all well know                          
To govern like a CEO.                                       
Cooked books, and layoffs,                                  
And insiders payoffs;                                       
It's true!  Good job, George!  Way to go!                   
                                                            
25328 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick              



Concern with political polls                                
Does not match up well with my goals,                       
Of winning the war,                                         
And stiffing the poor,                                      
And riddling the budget with holes.                         
                                                            
25329 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick  12-26-01    



As Prez I am above politics;                                
I leave it all to my sidekicks,                             
Rove, Fleishcer, Hughes,                                    
Who manage the news,                                        
And know how to put in a fix.                               
                                                            
25330 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick  12-26-01    



Are the CEO's trembling with fright                         
As they contemplate strict oversight?                       
Somehow I must doubt --                                     
Of George they've found out;                                
His barking is worse than his bite.                         
                                                            
25331 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick              



King George is now giving the cues:                         
"Cook the books!  You have nothing to lose!                 
You'll never regret it.                                     
Like me, you'll be vetted,                                  
'Cause the president's in on it too.                        
                                                            
25332 DUBYA - IMMORAL                Dr Limerick              



International criminal courts?                              
We Americans aren't such good sports.                       
We would try other nations,                                 
But expect dispensations,                                   
When it comes to exposing our warts.                        
                                                            
25333 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Limerick Savant          



Ever since the collapse of the Tower,                       
We expect you mere judges to cower;                         
Constitutional rights                                       
Are no use in a fight;                                      
It's a matter of who has the power.                         
                                                            
25334 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick              



King George says that he thinks the Dems                    
For partisan political ends,                                
Are stalling the hearings                                   
And unfairly smearing                                       
Judge Pickering, the black people's friend.                 
                                                            
25335 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  03-06-02    



I think that Dubya and his friends,                         
For partisan political ends,                                
Have their party back racists,                              
Chosen on the basis                                         
Of list drawn in Right-Wingers dens.                        
                                                            
25336 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  03-06-02    



A big issue in this election:                               
The Supreme Court's drift and direction.                    
Now the Court gets to choose                                
Who will win, who will lose.                                
Want to bet which guy passes inspection.                    
                                                            
25337 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  11-25-00    



The same crew as Bush vs Gore                               
Voted again, five to four,                                  
Much damage to wreak u-                                     
Pon Brown vs Topeka;                                        
Segregation their goal to restore.                          
                                                            
25338 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick              



The birthday's today -- it's the first                      
For the day the Supreme Court reversed                      
The Florida Court                                           
In Bush vs Gore --                                          
Of Rehnquist's bad moments, the worst.                      
                                                            
25339 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  12-12-01    



George Bush's executive order                               
Says that if you're from outside our borders,               
And George Bush decides                                     
You're on the wrong side,                                   
You're enroute to the Army Headquarters.                    
                                                            
25340 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  11-14-01    



You'll be tried by procedure court-martial,                 
By officers sworn as impartial.                             
But don't be naive;                                         
Their Commander-in-Chief                                    
Says you're guilty; the rest is quite farcial.              
                                                            
25341 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  11-14-01    



Your judge will betray no awareness                         
Of the rules of procedural fairness;                        
Bill of Rights 4, 5, 6,                                     
Are merely pin-pricks;                                      
Here, rights are best known for their rareness.             
                                                            
25342 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  11-14-01    



It would be much more honest and truthful                   
To take you outside and just shoot you --                   
To read a report                                            
In this kangaroo court                                      
Will take courage as well as a snoot full.                  
                                                            
25343 DUBYA - JUDICIAL               Dr Limerick  11-14-01    



The energy task force is willing                            
Not to recommend Alaska drilling.                           
But it'll stay on the table                                 
Until Bush is able                                          
To make crises become self-fulfilling.                      
                                                            
25344 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick              



The Association, American Bar,                              
Went out on a limb, 'way too far.                           
For being outspoken,                                        
Credibility was broken;                                     
Team Bush now has said, Au revoir.                          
                                                            
25345 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick  03-23-01    



On the stump, Bush said we'd have it made                   
If all nations would practice free trade;                   
But the folks at big steel                                  
Curbed his free-market zeal,                                
By reminding of chits to be paid.                           
                                                            
25346 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick              



To his principles Dubya is loyal                            
For the noblest of causes, he'll toil.                      
Both he and old Dick                                        
To their credo will stick.                                  
Their program is "Let's burn more oil."                     
                                                            
25347 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



Says Bush, "What's a prexy to do?                           
I must break my promise to you,                             
'Cause the Energy Lobby                                     
Will be quite sad and sobby,                                
If I act to restrict CO2.                                   
                                                            
25348 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick  03-13-01    



Along comes the fool, George F Will;                        
For the gun lobby, acting as shill.                         
To write that Dred Scott                                    
Says millions are not                                       
Required for a license to kill.                             
                                                            
25349 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick  11-04-01    



He's so Right, that he's not even hesitant                  
To mock all the decades of precedent                        
By courts high and low,                                     
That say it ain't so --                                     
Bearing arms means militias, not residents.                 
                                                            
25350 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick  11-04-01    



The GOP, everyone knows                                     
Is in thrall to the big H.M.O.'s                            
When they say "patient's rights,"                           
The mean "patient's right's lite,"                          
As lawsuits they try to foreclose.                          
                                                            
25351 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick              



Geo Will and Safire mock and torpedo                        
Dubya's cave-in on free-market credo.                       
Big tariffs reveal                                          
His free-market zeal                                        
Is as firm as Liguine Alfredo                               
                                                            
25352 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick  03-07-02    



Dubya knows which bread side has butter;                    
His big brain has no room for clutter!                      
'Cause the oily clique                                      
Will set up a shreik,                                       
If Bush mush don't gush without stutter.                    
                                                            
25353 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Ron Bev                  



To California, with head in the sand,                       
Bush chanted, "Supply and Demand!"                          
But when potential losers                                   
Are big oil producers,                                      
He'll give aid with all means at command.                   
                                                            
25354 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Dr Limerick              



One Dubya is worth two Bin L's.                             
The price on the head it foretells.                         
George in the Whitehouse.                                   
Ossy holed up like a mouse.                                 
Both empowered by their oil wells.                          
                                                            
25355 DUBYA - LOBBYS                 Tony Burrell             



The recount results are just in:                            
The headlines all scream a Bush win.                        
But below the fold                                          
The true story is told --                                   
The headline's just media spin.                             
                                                            
25356 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



If they'd counted the overvote ballots                      
Mistakenly tossed as invalid,                               
They'd have seen Gore won big                               
But the recount was rigged                                  
So overvotes wouldn't be tallied.                           
                                                            
25357 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



If Joe punches a chad and then writes                       
The same name in handwriting nice,                          
The counting machine                                        
Rejects, sight unseen                                       
Such ballots for being marked twice.                        
                                                            
25358 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



But the law says the standard to use                        
Is whether Joe's merely confused,                           
But intention is clear.                                     
If so, then Joe's mere                                      
Mistake does not his right reduce.                          
                                                            
25359 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



Gore erred when he didn't demand                            
And overvote recount by hand;                               
But if he had, Gore                                         
Would have lost, 5 to 4,                                    
Because the Court decreed recounting canned.                
                                                            
25360 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



It's clear now, that Gore would have won                    
In a count what was honestly done.                          
What makes me depressed                                     
Is how the liberal press                                    
Hid this fact under headlines, Bush Won!                    
                                                            
25361 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



Men and women of organized labor                            
Have rallied their friends and their neighbors              
In one all-out push                                         
To defeat George Bush,                                      
Now Bush is returning the favor.                            
                                                            
25362 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  02-18-01    



To "The Dubya" I pledge my alliegance,                      
And will honor him with all expedience.                     
I'll grant him, I will,                                     
The same praise they gave Bill;                             
To their example, I'll give my obedience.                   
                                                            
25363 DUBYA - MEDIA                                           



Bravo to the wild man, L Flynt,                             
Defending the First Amendment                               
From the generals who                                       
Want to manage the news,                                    
And from papers too chicken to print.                       
                                                            
25364 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  11-20-01    



Here's a riddle I'm trying to push,                         
Though some have been known to go whoosh,                   
Why are tight panty hose                                    
Like reporters - who knows?                                 
'Cause both of them irritate bush!                          
                                                            
25365 DUBYA - MEDIA                                           



The press longs for phrases VERBATIM                        
To show public figures and rate 'em                         
To build or lay waste                                       
In the public taste,                                        
For which they may love or just hate 'em.                   
                                                            
25366 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick              



Dubya bragged, "I got lots of great hints                   
And egged my gang on to dark stints,                        
From a book read to me,                                     
On my Daddy's knee."                                        
It was, Machiavelli's, The Prince.                          
                                                            
25367 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0310



I tuned on the news just to see                             
Reports on what you whipped out free.                       
Alas and alack,                                             
The Bushes are back;                                        
There was no good story for me.                             
                                                            
25368 DUBYA - MEDIA                                           



My mate, George and I just abhor                            
Views of refugees, sheep, or the poor.                      
Why not tell us we're great,                                
And we've set the world straight,                           
Then leave us to plan our next war.                         
                                                            
25369 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Leslie Porter            



The Post must believe it controls                           
The movement in King George's polls;                        
Like Canute and the tide,                                   
Their command's been applied,                               
But the downward momentum still rolls.                      
                                                            
25370 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick              



Last year, the conservative press                           
Found appointments made during recess                       
Legally problematic                                         
And undemocratic --                                         
But now, for their guy, they're the best.                   
                                                            
25371 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  01-11-02    



When King George was safe on a roll,                        
With stratospheric approval polls,                          
The Washington Post                                         
Would ask folks, foremost,                                  
If they approved how he'd handled the role.                 
                                                            
25372 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  02-24-02    



But now that approval is waning,                            
Is the great Post abruptly abstaining                       
From popping the question                                   
To dodge the suggestion,                                    
That good sense and fair play might be gaining?             
                                                            
25373 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  02-24-02    



The question was just, after all,                           
A part of the Post pollster's call.                         
But we're not supposed to know                              
Bush's approval is low                                      
'Til after the elections of fall.                           
                                                            
25374 DUBYA - MEDIA                  Dr Limerick  02-24-02    



Should you give in to the Dems? No way, man!                
Don't let the libs lead us astray, man.                     
When you name your top aides                                
You'll get very good grades                                 
If your AG is Larry Klayman.                                
                                                            
25375 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



You could call on Senator Baucus                            
As one of the Democrat Caucus.                              
Even better would be,                                       
Army Secretary                                              
Tank Commander Michael Dukakis.                             
                                                            
25376 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



There once was a man in the Senate --                       
Republican guy name of Bennett,                             
Who said God will send                                      
His Commandments to men,                                    
And if the Lord won't, I'll invent it.                      
                                                            
25377 DUBYA - MINIONS                Nancy Cahill             



With renegades Breaux, Miller, Nelson,                      
King George tried again to put bells on                     
The neck of Tom Daschle,                                    
Who knows how to wrassle                                    
And the properties to put hotels on.                        
                                                            
25378 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  12-17-01    



Coopting the unholy trio,                                   
Of Miller, and Nelson, and Breaux,                          
Won't be quite enough.                                      
Bush will find it tough                                     
To back up his bag-ga-do-cio.                               
                                                            
25379 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  12-17-01    



Although Messrs Breaux, Nelson, Miller,                     
Have been bought, as if three contract killers,             
By Daschle's authority,                                     
A super majority                                            
Of Dems must be bought or bewildered.                       
                                                            
25380 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  12-17-01    



This week everyone has been groaning;                       
About shadow governors they're droning.                     
I thought we had banned                                     
Such things in this land,                                   
Yet Bush has been government cloning.                       
                                                            
25381 DUBYA - MINIONS                Gary Hallock             



I wonder if down there inside                               
Those bunkers where bureaucrats hide,                       
Their budgets are double                                    
Then we're all in trouble.                                  
They've taken us all for a ride.                            
                                                            
25382 DUBYA - MINIONS                Gary Hallock             



When crisis has reached it's conclusion,                    
We'll cease with this shadow illusion.                      
Bush comes out of hiding,                                   
Without shadow sighting,                                    
And we've six more years of confusion.                      
                                                            
25383 DUBYA - MINIONS                Gary Hallock             



Think Republican men just like Bush?                        
It was Dick that they wanted to push.  (Cheney)             
Their staffs became swollen,                                
When they inserted Colin,                                   
And the Cabinet's filled with a whoosh.                     
                                                            
25384 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Said Dick, let the GAO sue;                                 
I'll do what a Veep's gotta do --                           
Whether we're taking orders                                 
From Enron's headquarters,                                  
Is not grist for a public review.                           
                                                            
25385 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  01-28-02    



A politition named Powell, who                              
Showed some evidence that was untrue.                       
"They had W.M.D.'s  (weapons of mass destruction)           
By the ton, I believe."                                     
But they still haven't found just one clue!                 
                                                            
25386 DUBYA - MINIONS                Anon                     



You can already hear the Right howl                         
At the selection of General Powell.                         
On drugs and abortion                                       
And affirmative action,                                     
He leans left and gives no disavowal.                       
                                                            
25387 DUBYA - MINIONS                Election 2000            



There was a black yankee named Powell                       
Whose name bore a very strange vowel.                       
He reading of "Colin"                                       
Had Englishmen howlin',                                     
Calling him a linguistic foul.                              
                                                            
25388 DUBYA - MINIONS                Lester Haines            



He'll take Colin Powell for a friend,                       
To confirm the military trend.                              
We've noted before,                                         
He can't win a war,                                         
But pulls out in front at the end.                          
                                                            
25389 DUBYA - MINIONS                Tony Burrell             



That leaves Saddam ruling the land;                         
No defeat, lots of oil, he feels grand.                     
The poor folks of Iraq,                                     
They did not get Jack;                                      
Just acres and acres of sand.                               
                                                            
25390 DUBYA - MINIONS                Tony Burrell             



The Commerce Secretary, I'd say                             
Should look at business in a new way.                       
Someone who knows the net                                   
Is the kind you should get,                                 
So pick the man who founded e-Bay.                          
                                                            
25391 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Why did China so quickly turn nice?                         
Did you think that one sorry'd suffice?                     
No, it freed U.S. crew                                      
When it learned that it's true,                             
There's a White House insider named Rice!                   
                                                            
25392 DUBYA - MINIONS                Anon                     



A quote from a woman called Rice,                           
"Not invading Iraq, there's a price.                        
The high cost of gas                                        
Is a pain in the ass.                                       
A cheap source of oil would be nice."                       
                                                            
25393 DUBYA - MINIONS                Anon                     



For Defense, a hero who's very                              
Beribboned, like Nebraska's Kerrey.                         
Or one even better,                                         
An Army go-getter -                                         
Col. Hackworth for Secretary.                               
                                                            
25394 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



For agency heads, Bush/Rove picks                           
A fox to guard over the chicks.                             
Obtuse and stubborn,                                        
It's no way to govern,                                      
When the Dems have the power to nix.                        
                                                            
25395 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick              



Dick Armey says he's not amused                             
By reports in the mag, U.S. News,                           
That many Hill dems                                         
Call him and his friends,                                   
The American Taliban crew.                                  
                                                            
25396 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  11-15-01    



He should have the good sense to fake it;                   
On the record, the facts are quite naked.                   
He calls Barney Frank,                                      
Congressman Fag.                                            
He can dish it out but he can't take it.                    
                                                            
25397 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  11-15-01    



Meanwhile back at the ranch,                                
Dubya has been in a trance.                                 
He saw Colin Powell                                         
But mostly he's AWOL,                                       
As Dick's the executive branch.                             
                                                            
25398 DUBYA - MINIONS                Election 2000            



In the picture, he's heroic and brainy,                     
As he talks on the phone to Dick Cheney.                    
But as we all know,                                         
The decisions flow                                          
From Drill Seargeant Dick to his trainee!                   
                                                            
25399 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  05-14-02    



The VP is a Cheney called Dick;                             
He loved oil so bad he got sick.                            
He had a heart stent,                                       
And an area to vent,                                        
So he found a weak enemy to kick.                           
                                                            
25400 DUBYA - MINIONS                Anon                     



Rumsfeld said we never will veer;                           
The course of the war is quite clear.                       
We'll send in the tanks;                                    
On that you can bank.                                       
Saddam will run when we're near.                            
                                                            
25401 DUBYA - MINIONS                Anon                     



For the best drug czar you ever saw,                        
One who's well versed in every drug law,                    
One thing you could do                                      
Is to pick one of two -                                     
Filmdom's Downey or outfielder "Straw."                     
                                                            
25402 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



The Bush girls both learned a few licks                     
On banjo and then, just for kicks,                          
They practiced like mad                                     
And formed for their dad                                    
A duo; they're called Tipsy Chicks.                         
                                                            
25403 DUBYA - MINIONS                Graham Lester            



For Energy, someone who's noble,                            
With a reputation that's global.                            
Despite Democrat howls,                                     
And their mumbles and growls,                               
Appoint the CEO of Mobil.                                   
                                                            
25404 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Judge Rosenberg was a great inspector                       
Of votes in the Florida sector.                             
With magnifying glass                                       
He found chads, which would pass.                           
For FBI, make him Director.                                 
(involved with 2000 Florida vote)                           
25405 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Based on all the reports that one hears,                    
Mrs. Bush, as First Lady, earns cheers.                     
There is about Laura                                        
A very fine aura,                                           
Which the White House has not seen in years.                
                                                            
25406 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



To keep from being the whole world's doormat,               
Controlling borders is where it is at.                      
So the force should be led                                  
By new INS head,                                            
Bay Buchanan's big brother named Pat.                       
                                                            
25407 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Jeb Bush and Rudy Guiliani                                  
Are finding it very unfunny                                 
That most of the nation                                     
Find much titilation                                        
In affairs of top Republicani.                              
                                                            
25408 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick  05-23-01    



For NASA you should put into place                          
Someone good who will head up the race.                     
If you give me a choice                                     
I'd say in a loud voice -                                   
Jerry Brown's always been out in space.                     
                                                            
25409 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



If the NEA's good or it ain't,                              
If you love it or have a complaint,                         
Pick Tammy Fay Bakker -                                     
A Mover and shaker -                                        
No one's face uses more artists' paint.                     
(National Education of the Arts)                            
25410 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Losing Karen Hughes made Dubya sick;                        
A new confidante he will pick.                              
If his Condoleezza left                                     
He would not be bereft,                                     
But he can't get along without his Dick                     
                                                            
25411 DUBYA - MINIONS                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



OSHA would be in an upheaval                                
With a pick that some would call evil.                      
We could sure have some fun                                 
If OSHA were run                                            
By daredevil Evel Knievel.                                  
                                                            
25412 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



"FIN" will be written on them one day,                      
Since that's always been history's way.                     
Dubya and his cabal                                         
Will survive when they fall,                                
Having left us with all Hell to pay.                        
                                                            
25413 DUBYA - MINIONS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



Said Bush, "I support civil rights;                         
Just look!  I have Powell and Rice --                       
Their counsel I trust                                       
'Cept when Dad says I must                                  
Ignore them, just like I do whites.                         
                                                            
25414 DUBYA - MINIONS                Dr Limerick              



Open Press Conference One with a hush                       
And get all the right-wingers to gush                       
With great joy and with glee,                               
For the whole world to see,                                 
When it's presided over by Rush.                            
(Rush Limbaugh - conservative talk show host)               
25415 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Some don't like it when he is direct,                       
But Don Rumsfeld, again, is correct.                        
Bring Saddam to his knees --                                
Most of Europe agrees,                                      
And we'll ignore the ones who object.                       
                                                            
25416 DUBYA - MINIONS                Al Bienstock             



A well-meaning Arab suburban                                
Said, "Rumsfeld, plase come visit Teheran."                 
But Don, from the start,                                    
Let out a great fart,                                       
That blew out the visitor's tuherban.                       
                                                            
25417 DUBYA - MINIONS                IDL                      



Old Rumsfeld scoffed at friendly nations;                   
A bad case of public relations.                             
After Libya and Cuba,                                       
Must Eva and Ulla                                           
Prepare for a U.S. invasion?                                
                                                            
25418 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



Yes, indeed we have feared all along                        
That old Rumsfeld would err, short or long.                 
He shakes fist at the Old                                   
Europe, but we're bold.                                     
He fears us, that sad droopy old schlong.                   
                                                            
25419 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



President-elect Bush, if you please,                        
We have some names for your nominees.                       
If you pick the right ones,                                 
And you stick to your guns,                                 
Through Senate confirmations they'll breeze.                
                                                            
25420 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



When the water's choppy and wavy                            
And the fog is as thick as gravy,                           
Navy men should drink grog --                               
As did Teddy in fog --                                      
Now name him Secretary, Navy.                               
                                                            
25421 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



A name which will make Democrats wail                       
Is a name they would dare not assail.                       
Even Ms. Hillary                                            
Would not dare pillory                                      
Transportation nominee Billy Dale.                          
                                                            
25422 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



For Treasury, name one of the greats,                       
One that Bill Clinton's team really hates,                  
For an income shortfall                                     
He can cover it all --                                      
Appoint Microsoft founder Bill Gates.                       
                                                            
25423 DUBYA - MINIONS                                         



John Ashcroft, quite grand and quite gracious,              
After Leahy's persistence tenacious (Senate Judiciary Comm) 
Will deign to appear,                                       
But hold back the cheer --                                  
He'll do nothing but be more evasious.                      
                                                            
25424 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  11-25-01    



Attention all teen-age white males:                         
Go directly to John Ashcroft's jails.                       
You match the profile                                       
So you'll stay awhile                                       
As our guest, in a cell, without bail.                      
                                                            
25425 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  05-10-02    



But this principle seems quite Swiss-cheesy;                
John Ashcroft is finding it easy                            
To let principles slide                                     
Whenever he decides                                         
That with sovereign state he's displeased.                  
(Ashcroft fighting Oregon assisted suicide)                 
25426 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  11-06-01    



A recycled joke, I'll admit,                                
But still I'm compelled to submit                           
Why, when they did find                                     
A portion benign                                            
On Ashcroft, did they remove it?                            
                                                            
25427 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  01-30-02    



The Federalist mantra of state's rights                     
Says the sovereign states have a birthright                 
To define law and order                                     
Within their own border,                                    
Free from all forms of Federal Oversight.                   
                                                            
25428 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  11-06-01    



In the halls of the Justice Department,                     
They demand rectitude and comportment.                      
So the statue that posed                                    
With one breast exposed,                                    
Was wrapped 'til she shows some deportment.                 
                                                            
25429 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  01-27-02    



You can give John Ashcroft his due                          
For defending the Red, White and Blue.                      
But give him more power?                                    
That's sure to turn sour;                                   
He'll be taking some liberties too!                         
                                                            
25430 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Limerick Savant          



The Bushies were under attack                               
So Ashcroft reached into his pack;                          
The tapes that I've found                                   
Will distract the hounds,                                   
Which is why I've been holding them back.                   
                                                            
25431 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  01-17-02    



They say Merle encouraged his fans                          
To give the A.G. "a big hand                                
Right in the mouth...                                       
And then bail me out."                                      
Unless as a combatant, he's banned.                         
                                                            
25432 DUBYA - MINIONS - ASHCROFT     Dr Limerick  08-26-02    



The Times says that mostly they bicker                      
Whether tax cuts or spending is quicker;                    
The GOP want to ax                                          
Lots of corporate tax;                                      
The Dems want to spread cash out thicker.                   
                                                            
25433 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick  11-29-01    



George Dubya's decided the fates                            
Of all that belongs to Bill Gates.                          
They'll be no breaking up;                                  
Just some making up.                                        
Could it be that those guys are mates?                      
                                                            
25434 DUBYA - MONEY                  Tony Burrell             



Of course my behavior was 'vetted',                         
The S.E.C. chief was indebted                               
To my dad, the Prez,                                        
So the crime was suppressed --                              
And the papers have long since been shredded.               
(Dubya about insider trading)                               
25435 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



In North Carolina, quoth George:                            
"If we cap malpractice awards,                              
Physicians inept                                            
Will be deep in my debt,                                    
And a link to their cash will be forged.'                   
                                                            
25436 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



To put paid to the terrorist threat,                        
Bush landed the Yankees in debt,                            
Since to finance his war,                                   
He needed much more                                         
Than the first budget sum he had set.                       
                                                            
25437 DUBYA - MONEY                  David McKay              



Students who borrow for college                             
Should emerge from this week with the knowledge --          
If you need student loans,                                  
You'd be on your own                                        
After Bush had the program demolished.                      
                                                            
25438 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



King George traveled to South Dakota                        
To tell them they'd better meet quota                       
And vote GOP;                                               
If not, there will be                                       
Of federal cash, no iota.                                   
                                                            
25439 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



That horrible wailing and whining                           
Is the outfit that wants to start mining;                   
They can't start to dig                                     
'Til they write a check big                                 
For GOP's pocketbook lining.                                
                                                            
25440 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



Dubya's preaching the same old gambit                       
Since it's always been a great hit.                         
As with drugs, poverty,                                     
Homeland Security,                                          
We will win.  We'll throw money at it.                      
                                                            
25441 DUBYA - MONEY                  L C Fitz            P0209



Not content with the cash that they took                    
From future needs that they forsook,                        
The Bushies are willin'                                     
To grab four more billion                                   
By cooking Social Security's books.                         
                                                            
25442 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



To their candidates grief and frustration,                  
The dems have to fund renovation.                           
There's just no tomorrow.                                   
They can't beg nor borrow                                   
Under soft-money's new regulation.                          
                                                            
25443 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick  08-30-02    



Now the head of the Federal Reserve                         
Wants a social security swerve,                             
Cutting what old folks make                                 
To keep Bush's tax break.                                   
What a nerve!  What a nerve!  What a nerve!                 
                                                            
25444 DUBYA - MONEY                                           



We have some great food in our state!                       
George Bush is here -- says he can't wait                   
To sit down tonight,                                        
Where cookin's done right,                                  
At one thousand dollars per plate!                          
                                                            
25445 DUBYA - MONEY                                           



It's only four months 'til the voting                       
And the GOP is loudly gloating;                             
"We have so much money,                                     
It just won't be funny;                                     
The Dems will be belly-up, floating."                       
                                                            
25446 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



I'm doing my best to abolish                                
The notion that work equals college;                        
Who, may I ask,                                             
Will do menial tasks                                        
Once welfare moms have all that knowledge?                  
(work not college for welfare moms)                         
25447 DUBYA - MONEY                  Dr Limerick              



Forget about Pledge of Allegiance;                          
On guard against free-thinking deviance.                    
King George's attack                                        
Plans for Iraq,                                             
Add up to a pledge of Beligerence.                          
                                                            
25448 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick              



Senator Collins, Republican Maine,                          
Is the first to take up the refrain.                        
She's using the Pledge                                      
As entering wedge;                                          
Off the table the issues remain.                            
                                                            
25449 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick              



If you want a new flag for your home,                       
Don't get plastic from China or Rome;                       
For ten or twelve bills,                                    
Your Senator will                                           
Send you one from the Capitol Dome.                         
                                                            
25450 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick  11-21-01    



As the Bushies look mortally ill,                           
McCain rushes in for the kill;                              
"It is catastrophic                                         
And unpatriotic                                             
For us not to question at will."                            
                                                            
25451 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick  05-22-02    



The Bush people tell us with surety                         
Their motives are absolute purity.                          
Every mean or dumb act,                                     
Regardless of the fact,                                     
Is needed for national security.                            
                                                            
25452 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



Let me go out on a ledge                                    
And proclaim my disdain for the Pledge.                     
Its biggest effect                                          
Is to erode respect,                                        
So patriotism is sledged.                                   
                                                            
25453 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick              



In grade school I learned its main lesson:                  
"Just do what you're told and don't question.               
Hand on your heart,                                         
Stand up straight and look smart,                           
And learn all the words without guessin'".                  
                                                            
25454 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick              



No teacher in all of the crew                               
Seemed to think explanation was due.                        
Pledging allegiance                                         
Resembled religions --                                      
'Twas a right that we had to get through.                   
                                                            
25455 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick              



"Under God" for sure should be removed,                     
But not because ACLU'd.                                     
Two seconds are saved                                       
Per kid, and per day,                                       
Yielding thousands of hours accrued.                        
                                                            
25456 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick              



Those proclaiming concern for the Pledge                    
Are just partisans seeking an edge.                         
If we'd met in fourth grade,                                
I'm quite sure that they'd                                  
Have admitted the things I allege.                          
                                                            
25457 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick              



Governor Jesse Ventura,                                     
Best known for bombast and bravura,                         
Defined Right-wing legions                                  
Requiring "allegiance",                                     
The act of a man with a Fuhrer.                             
                                                            
25458 DUBYA - PATRIOTISM             Dr Limerick  05-24-02    



As we look back on these hundred days,                      
We are better in so many ways.                              
We are rid of the blight,                                   
Our new prez does what's right                              
And from all he's deserving of praise.                      
                                                            
25459 DUBYA - PRAISE                                          



Our union is strong and united,                             
Our president firm and far-sighted;                         
First term started well,                                    
Despite all that befell,                                    
High approval, widespread, - I'm delighted.                 
                                                            
25460 DUBYA - PRAISE                 Joel D Ash          P0205



A grasp of essentials with speed,                           
Priorities matched to real need,                            
Tax promise fulfilled,                                      
Love of country instilled.                                  
Expectations exceeded, indeed!                              
                                                            
25461 DUBYA - PRAISE                 Joel D Ash          P0205



A team with much talent possessed,                          
His minions, the best, met each test;                       
Bush leads without fear,                                    
Letting these stand so near,                                
Leadership manifest in his quest.                           
                                                            
25462 DUBYA - PRAISE                 Joel D Ash          P0205



In this time of great threat, what relief                   
That our leader exudes true belief;                         
National grief doth subside,                                
In a burst of deep pride,                                   
Those who died would say, "Hail to the Chief"               
                                                            
25463 DUBYA - PRAISE                 Joel D Ash          P0205



Oh hush!, Bush ain't that bad now;                          
You heard him on hustings vow                               
To keep us free                                             
From all poverty;                                           
With jobs for the boys, he's a wow!                         
                                                            
25464 DUBYA - PRAISE                                          



Bush got the nod from Perot                                 
Who said, "Well, there's one thang that ah know,            
And that is that afta                                       
Al's debate on NAFTA,                                       
Beating Al made Big George my hero.                         
                                                            
25465 DUBYA - PRAISE                 Dr Limerick  11-03-00    



The country's economy stalls;                               
The stock market falters and falls,                         
While our nation's boss                                     
Is on the golf course.                                      
That Dubya -- He really has balls!                          
                                                            
25466 DUBYA - PRAISE                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Horticulturist Herman O. Queek,                             
Raises plants that are truly unique.                        
At his novel creation                                       
People jump with elation,                                   
Upon hearing his Bumbling Bush speak.                       
                                                            
25467 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Al Chaplin          P0109



To all of you C students out there,                         
Our President at Yale did declare:                          
Hard work makes no sense;                                   
Be lazy or dense --                                         
But do pick your parents with care!                         
                                                            
25468 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Lynn Mostafa             



Today I saw Bush stand with Blair,                          
They both looked familiar, I swear!                         
With faces of fear,                                         
They looked like two deer                                   
When caught in the headlight's bright glare!                
                                                            
25469 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID                                   



That's just the impression I find;                          
They seem to be two of a kind.                              
Two brains, finely wrought,                                 
Never troubled by thought;                                  
They'd disagree, if they'd a mind.                          
                                                            
25470 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Tiddy Ogg                



George Bush, a President slight,                            
Has an IQ that possibly might                               
Reach double figures                                        
With cranial vigors,                                        
And a large intellectual fight!                             
                                                            
25471 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Will Lobban              



Bush's plan for the poor was bizarre -                      
He agreed there was trouble out thar.                       
He said "Prices are dropping;                               
It's time to go shopping.                                   
They can purchase a house or a car."                        
                                                            
25472 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Albin Chaplin            



There once was a Washington man,                            
Whose limericks never would scan;                           
When they asked him "Why?"                                  
He said, "Because I                                         
Am dumb as a barrel of bran."                               
                                                            
25473 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          David Martin             



In today's Wall Street Journal, the news is                 
That Dubya is dumb when he chooses.                         
On executive options,                                       
He pushed the adoption                                      
Of a rule to encourage abuses.                              
                                                            
25474 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Dr Limerick              



Perhaps his ideas are subliminabubble;                      
I must say his style is inimitabubble..                     
For no one can flub                                         
So much wording as Shrub;                                   
His stupidity must be unlimitabubble.                       
                                                            
25475 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          MrMalo                   



George Dubya does sure seem a twit;                         
He's certainly lacking in wit.                              
But just like you trolls,                                   
He's got two assholes,                                      
Because he's so full of shit.                               
                                                            
25476 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Tony Burrell             



Distinguished professors of law                             
Could hardly believe what they saw!                         
They squirmed as Bush lectured                              
And angrily hectored,                                       
And moved lots of air with his jaw.                         
                                                            
25477 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Dr Limerick  05-03-02    



He repeated the old worn-out screed                         
That Democrats better concede.                              
If you're president,                                        
Advise and consent                                          
Are just words of which you don't heed.                     
                                                            
25478 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Dr Limerick  05-03-02    



Have you heard why George Bush has plans made               
To support more Liberian aid? ...                           
'Cause no libery shelves                                    
Can have books on themselves,                               
If liberians cannot be paid!                                
                                                            
25479 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID                                   



Words have gotten him in hot water,                         
With labor and arsenic slaughter.                           
Though he's a real twit,                                    
You've got to admit,                                        
He raised two "like father, like daughter."                 
                                                            
25480 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Cyberwizard              



What Dubya's come up with's not new,                        
Since his thoughts number less than a few.                  
So he postures and prates,                                  
Charging his thieving mates,                                
"Do as I say and not as I do."                              
                                                            
25481 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          L C Fitz            P0209



Our candidate Shrub, son of boosh,                          
Just can't tell his head from his toosh.                    
His farts, like his thinking,                               
Produce a great stinking,                                   
And his empty head echoes the whoosh.                       
                                                            
25482 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          MrMalo                   



Perhaps his ideas are subliminabubble;                      
I must say his style is inimitabubble;                      
For no one can flub                                         
So much wording as Shrub.                                   
His stupidity must be unlimitabubble.                       
(Shurb - Molly Ivans nickname for Bush, Jr)                 
25483 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID                                   



MRIs of his head are quite rare,                            
And Bethesda, near D.C. is where                            
Dubya had his brain scanned                                 
With their imagery grand.                                   
The Rx arrived at?  "Nothing there."                        
                                                            
25484 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



Facile allusions to Oedipus                                 
Or the citation of Daedalus                                 
May escape notice                                           
Of the current POTUS,                                       
But he's still there in the edifice.                        
                                                            
25485 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Daniel Ford              



That Texas man from the White House,                        
He said, "I ain't lacking in nous!"                         
His dad said, "Now sonny,                                   
You may have much money,                                    
But you sure ain't got nothing else."                       
                                                            
25486 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Tony Burrell             



Headline, Chicago Sun-Times:                                
Bush gives China a piece of his mind.                       
At this rapid rate                                          
He'll reach vegetable state,                                
In time for the Fourth of July.                             
                                                            
25487 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Dr Limerick              



When asked by reporters arrayed,                            
What he thought about Roe vs. Wade,                         
Bush said, "That decision                                   
By a man with a vision,                                     
Was the smarted George Washington made."                    
                                                            
25488 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Hugh Clary               



Give George W Bush the 'bums rush;'                         
He's monied on Texas oil-gush.                              
At Yale he got by                                           
With barely a try,                                          
Endowed with grey neuronal mush.                            
                                                            
25489 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Chris Papa               



I worry for George Bush's sanity;                           
For his mighty and scary inanity.                           
For this bloke sticks his nose                              
Into war, not a rose.                                       
So much for our bleeding humanity.                          
                                                            
25490 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Jo McGahey               



Geography's not a sensation                                 
For one with a Yale education.                              
That's President Bush                                       
With his war-on-AIDS push,                                  
Helping Africa 'cause it's a nation!                        
                                                            
25491 DUBYA - SMARTS/STUPID          Peter Wilkins            



When George Bush to Dick Cheney declared                    
"Can my thoughts on the press now be shared?"               
Dick replied, "If you like,                                 
Though let's turn off the mike."                            
But too late; George's thoughts had been aired.             
                                                            
25492 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Prof M-G                 



I said "Few could chew gum and walk,"                       
But not that George Dubya could talk.                       
When put to the test,                                       
He's doing his best,                                        
To sound both like dove and like hawk.                      
                                                            
25493 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Marlene Lewis            



The new prez elect sure was humble,                         
And spoke every word without stumble.                       
He must have been sober;                                    
He didn't trip over                                         
His own two feet and take a tumble.                         
                                                            
25494 DUBYA - SPEAKING                                        



When he speaks some take him for a fool;                    
Many others do not, as a rule.                              
Though he doesn't stammer                                   
It's plain from his yammer                                  
That he went to a Grammar-less School.                      
                                                            
25495 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



Bush was born, as Ann Richards announced,                   
With a silver foot in his mouth.                            
She spoke of the dad,                                       
But the son, just as bad,                                   
Put his silver head further south.                          
                                                            
25496 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Dr Limerick  01-11-02    



Have you heard why George Bush has plans made               
To support more Liberian aid?                               
'Cause libery spaces                                        
Can't have books on their cases,                            
If liberians cannot be paid.                                
                                                            
25497 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Prof M-G                 



MALAPROP of verbal wrecks is,                               
And though liberal press it just vexes,                     
When Dubya's tongue strays                                  
In peculiar ways,                                           
They just love him the more down in Texas.                  
                                                            
25498 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Chris Papa               



It seems that Bush won't soon be stopping                   
His habit of crude malapropping.                            
When we think we've heard                                   
His words most absurd,                                      
We harvest another outcropping.                             
                                                            
25499 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Gary Hallock             



Says George Bush, "I'm an ethical guy;                      
I insist my campaign doesn't lie,                           
Or try spoiling Al's stats                                  
With subliminal 'Rats!'                                     
I hereby deny that 'twas I."                                
                                                            
25500 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Prof M-G                 



Public speaking with fuzzy techniques:                      
Sounds like daze, but perhaps it means weeks.               
Sounds like ant, but it's niece.                            
Sounds like wore, but it's peace.                           
It's the way that the president speaks.                     
                                                            
25501 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Peter Wilkins            



Young George W Bush can recall                              
Bon mots, as he spins his tales tall.                       
With most out of reach,                                     
That nightmare, his speech,                                 
"He dreamt he dwelt in GARBLED halls."                      
                                                            
25502 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Chris Papa               



I hope not too long I'll detain ya.                         
But pacifists, this here may pain ya.                       
This latest attack                                          
Has set Dubya back...                                       
He's gonna invade Pretzylvania.                             
                                                            
25503 DUBYA - SPEAKING                                        



That phrase came from Bush, I hear tell;                    
Dunno though, it's ringing a bell.                          
It's pure plagiarism,                                       
'Twas said about jizm,                                      
By some tart called Monica L.                               
                                                            
25504 DUBYA - SPEAKING                                        



The TV stations were happy to show                          
Dubya calling that reporter 'asshole.'                      
I have to laugh                                             
At this politician's gaffe,                                 
Because a spade is a spade, don'cha know?                   
                                                            
25505 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Jon Steckelberg          



On Monday, the Dems had a prequel.                          
After Bush spoke, they then had a sequel.                   
But, as we've come to know,                                 
And as they always show,                                    
They fall short of being his equal.                         
                                                            
25506 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



Bush began, and it didn't take long                         
Before he said "Our union is strong."                       
To Tom Daschle, our state                                   
Has been anxious of late.                                   
George Bush is right and Daschle is wrong.                  
                                                            
25507 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



"We delivered," said Bush with elation,                     
"The largest tax relief for this nation",                   
Not just in recent years,                                   
But -- let's give him three cheers --                       
In the life span of a generation.                           
                                                            
25508 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



It's not a difficult thing to trace;                        
The economy grows in each place                             
Where each person may spend                                 
For his own preferred end.                                  
Don't tax it away in the first place.                       
                                                            
25509 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



And, despite the Democrat spinning,                         
The Al Qaeda ranks we are thinning.                         
Some are in jail, some dead                                 
And we're forging ahead.                                    
The war goes on and we are winning.                         
                                                            
25510 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



In this war, if we had our druthers,                        
Our old allies would be our brothers.                       
Yet the course of the nation                                
Does not depend (ovation!)                                  
On the wimpy decisions of others.                           
                                                            
25511 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



The UN inspectors were not sent                             
To conduct a scavenger hunt event.                          
Their job's to verify                                       
Disarming -- not why;                                       
On preventing inspections they're bent.                     
                                                            
25512 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



To the Armed Forces, we know it's true:                     
You believe in America, you do.                             
It is so evident                                            
That it's heartfelt and meant --                            
And America believes in you.                                
                                                            
25513 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



The media's made the decision                               
To keep treating Bush with derision.                        
Maybe some day they'll see                                  
That it's their fallacy --                                  
He's a man with insight and vision.                         
                                                            
25514 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



The Dem response, by Governor Locke,                        
Is incredibly easy to mock.                                 
Written before Bush spoke,                                  
Its content was a joke --                                   
It ignored what Bush said.  What a crock!                   
                                                            
25515 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Al Bienstock             



His pronunciation is criminable,                            
With a grasp of the language that's minimable.              
Three times, on the news                                    
George W spews                                              
An adjective unknown - 'subliminable'.                      
                                                            
25516 DUBYA - SPEAKING                                        



I guess I'm like George Bush, I fear,                       
Fit for bureaucratic career.                                
With nary a doubt,                                          
The words just slip out,                                    
Before my brain clicks into gear!                           
                                                            
25517 DUBYA - SPEAKING               Chris Papa               



To spin means to shine the best light                       
On an unpleasant fact or insight;                           
But Ari relies                                              
On out-and-out lies,                                        
Non-answers and personal slights.                           
(Ari Fleischer - Dubya's flack)                             
25518 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick              



If exerting free thinking and reason                        
Leads to damning Bush's lies and his legions,               
They'll bring out a flack                                   
To counterattack,                                           
And promptly accuse you of treason.                         
                                                            
25519 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick  12-08-01    



In Texas they need anesthesia                               
To deal with Dubya's paramnesia;                            
Claims poor kids are fine,                                  
The air is sublime,                                         
And the schools are just certain to please ya'.             
                                                            
25520 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          J'Carlin                 



To end the "death tax" is Dubya's aim;                      
Saves money for those with big names.                       
Helps those he likes best                                   
And screws all the rest;                                    
"It's to save family farms," he exclaims.                   
                                                            
25521 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



As everyone knew from the start,                            
Bush has serious flaws in his heart;                        
Of moral compassion,                                        
Less than a full ration,                                    
And of courage, much less than full part.                   
                                                            
25522 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick  01-28-02    



And true to his form, Fleischer lied                        
'Bout the heart problem's physical side.                    
The reason Bush fainted                                     
Was not what they painted;                                  
His arrythmia knocked him off-stride.                       
                                                            
25523 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick  01-28-02    



Bush and his spinmeisters will                              
Self-congratulate madly until                               
Someone with a brain                                        
Remembers Mark Twain:                                       
God cures, and the doc sends the bill.                      
                                                            
25524 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick              



When Gore's finally saying Bush lied,                       
Its obviousness can't be denied;                            
It's good politics                                          
To put well-deserved kicks                                  
With vigor, on Bush's backside.                             
                                                            
25525 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick              



The President's time it was ending,                         
While he ran around still defending.                        
His toxic lies spewing,                                     
While trouble was brewing;                                  
Fuck off, George, there'll be no more spending.             
                                                            
25526 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Melanie Alexander        



King George, shooting straight from the hip,                
May regret the boast that he let slip;                      
Recall how his Daddy                                        
Looked weak small and shabby,                               
When breaking his pledge, read my lips.                     
                                                            
25527 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick  01-05-02    



If he'd listened in school, then he'd know                  
That his dead body's too far to go;                         
If two-thirds of the Congress                               
Support wisdom and progress,                                
Then his tax cut is out the window.                         
                                                            
25528 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick  01-05-02    



The earliest Dubya scandal                                  
Was the lie that the Clintonite vandals                     
Made like Charlie Manson                                    
In the Executive Mansion --                                 
GAO found that naught was mishandled.                       
                                                            
25529 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick              



Mr Bush deserves no approbation;                            
His White House, a right-wing convocation.                  
We doubt his veracity                                       
And executive capacity;                                     
He disseminates untruths and obfuscation.                   
                                                            
25530 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



The old folks don't like "privatize"                        
So the GOP finally got wise.                                
They quickly announced                                      
"Personal Accounts",                                        
That's "privatized" but euphemized.                         
                                                            
25531 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick  09-11-02    



Georgie Bushie, Pudding and Pie;                            
Rigged elections, told big lies.                            
Just to folow his dad,                                      
He's a little bit mad.                                      
You can tell by the look in his eyes.                       
                                                            
25532 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Jo McGahey               



John Howard, young Blair, and that Bush                     
Formed a cartel, a union, a "putsch".                       
Now many are dead                                           
And so sadly it's said,                                     
They told their own experts to shush.                       
                                                            
25533 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Jo McGahey               



The Bushies are mightily spinning;                          
They fear that the end is beginning.                        
He has no relations                                         
With Miss Information!                                      
But this time the truth may be winning.                     
                                                            
25534 DUBYA - SPINNING/LIES          Dr Limerick  05-18-02    



The Alternative Minimum Tax                                 
Is where lobbyists focus attacks.                           
Corporations all pine                                       
For a simpler time,                                         
When deductions would count to the max.                     
                                                            
25535 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick  11-23-01    



In the good old days, sharp-penciled heroes                 
Could drive a tax bill down to zero;                        
It was up to the schmuck                                    
Without courage or luck,                                    
To pay double on Form ten-four-zero.                        
                                                            
25536 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick  11-23-01    



This new regime sure is the tops,                           
Chortle Congressional GOP's.                                
With my cut in taxes,                                       
I'll buy a new Lexus;                                       
I hope this gravy train never stops.                        
                                                            
25537 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick  05-01-01    



Bush and Cheney don't care about health;                    
Their agenda they're pursuing with stealth.                 
The Republican aim,                                         
They're quick to disclaim,                                  
Is for more concentration of wealth.                        
                                                            
25538 DUBYA - TAXES                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



The estate tax falls like a light dew                       
On the rich oligarchial few;                                
Economical health's                                         
Impaired when the wealth                                    
Distribution's so badly askew.                              
                                                            
25539 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick              



Nobody thought or predicted                                 
Our sovereign states were addicted                          
To federal funds.                                           
For programs they run,                                      
The hardships will now be inflicted.                        
                                                            
25540 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick              



This won't affect Georgie, of course,                       
Who blithely sits on his white horse.                       
Layoffs at schools,                                         
Cops, parks, and pools                                      
All, by his tax cut, now are forced.                        
                                                            
25541 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick              



With a backdrop of bombing and anthrax                      
Bush said, "Let us get down to brass tacks.                 
We'll stop when we've gotten                                
Our hands on bin Laden                                      
And marked down the capital gains tax.                      
                                                            
25542 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick              



When it comes to affairs of the purse,                      
Our president couldn't be worse.                            
Tax cuts for the greedy                                     
And less for the needy;                                     
He's a real Robin Hood ---in reverse.                       
                                                            
25543 DUBYA - TAXES                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Tom Daschle is loaded for bear;                             
He's stressing the cash isn't there,                        
To cope with recession                                      
And future inflation --                                     
Bush's tax cut was what set the snare.                      
                                                            
25544 DUBYA - TAXES                  Dr Limerick  01-04-02    



U.S. taxpayers should all recall                            
That just recently as last fall,                            
Bush said we need tax cuts                                  
And the Dems said that's nuts;                              
We don't need any tax cuts at all.                          
                                                            
25545 DUBYA - TAXES                                           



So on tax cuts I just have to grin                          
When I listen to Democrat spin.                             
There was no cut they'd do,                                 
Then okayed 1.2                                             
Trillion dollars -- for Bush that's a win!                  
                                                            
25546 DUBYA - TAXES                                           



In his State fo the Union address                           
Did Dubya offer tax-cut largesse,                           
That the poor are due                                       
To the wealthiest few.                                      
It's called Trickle-down Theory, I guess!                   
                                                            
25547 DUBYA - TAXES                  Peter Wilkins            



Bush like to count by machine;                              
The Gore camp prefers human beings;                         
It's an apt metaphor;                                       
Labor likes Gore;                                           
But capital likes G.O.P.                                    
                                                            
25548 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  11-10-00    



The Florida Court gave five more                            
Days to determine the score.                                
But today's indication                                      
In the final summation,                                     
It still will disappoint Mr Gore.                           
                                                            
25549 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  11-21-00    



But the voting for Dubya was hot!                           
He got votes where he thought he would not!                 
In the North and out West,                                  
He got votes like the best,                                 
And way down in Dixie, a Lott.                              
                                                            
25550 DUBYA - VOTING                                          



I should put my self back in my place,                      
'Cause reality stares in my face.                           
There's a very large number                                 
Of those who are dumber                                     
Than Shrub, cause he's winning the race!                    
(Shrub - George W Bush labeled by Molly Ivens)              
25551 DUBYA - VOTING                                          



Katherine's book on the stolen election                     
Will be written with great circumspection;                  
No tales of her web                                         
Of connections with Jeb,                                    
Or how felons were picked for rejection.                    
                                                            
25552 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  05-29-02    



K Harris to the Florida Supremes:                           
"The problem is worse than it seems.                        
Recounts publicized                                         
Then ruled unauthorized                                     
Cost the process it's public esteem."                       
                                                            
25553 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  11-15-00    



The Supremes said to Katherine Harris:                      
"We're sorry if you are embarrassed.                        
But let hand-counts continue;                               
In in the interim, you                                      
Should let us decided which is fairest."                    
                                                            
25554 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  11-15-00    



Said Harris to Palm Beach and Dade,                         
"I'm the Secretary of State.                                
I'll grant no extensions                                    
For certification --                                        
The Supreme's order I shall vacate!"                        
                                                            
25555 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  11-15-00    



Dubya's all pouty and hurty                                 
And claiming that he's been done dirty.                     
Some absentee ballots                                       
Were tossed as invalid                                      
And his lead is now down to 930.                            
                                                            
25556 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  11-18-00    



King George is apparently jealous                           
Of all of the world wide fellas                             
Whose authority                                             
Comes from majority                                         
Of votes, not from what the courts tell us.                 
                                                            
25557 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick              



There was a V.P. call Gore,                                 
Who said let's recount once more.                           
I don't want to trouble ya,                                 
Replied George W,                                           
But if you do I'll call in the Law.                         
                                                            
25558 DUBYA - VOTING                 Jonathan Delaney         



Gerald Ford and George Bush: kindred souls;                 
So alike in their president's roles.                        
They're the two living guys                                 
To acquire the top prize,                                   
Despite not having won at the polls.                        
                                                            
25559 DUBYA - VOTING                 Prof M-G                 



A liberal whose name is Albright,                           
Said, "Bush is just way out of sight.                       
Though he might be a bore,                                  
I voted for Gore,                                           
Screw the road sign, l'll pass on the right."               
                                                            
25560 DUBYA - VOTING                 Bob Birch           P0301



First-time voters are likely to be                          
Democrats, not GOP;                                         
To keep them from voting,                                   
The Gop is promoting                                        
The use of a photo ID.                                      
                                                            
25561 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  02-27-02    



What do these primaries PORTEND?                            
Who will emerge in the end?                                 
Dubya or John?                                              
At least Steve is gone.                                     
Will the GOP be able to mend?                               
                                                            
25562 DUBYA - VOTING                 Norm                     



Nader once characterized                                    
Bush as corporations, disguised;                            
Then he made a small dent,                                  
Taking just 2%,                                             
Just enough to give Bush the big prize.                     
                                                            
25563 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick  11-08-00    



George Bush, I must tell you in rhyme,                      
Is In Florida this Christmas time.                          
There's a constant belief,                                  
It's the norm for a thief                                   
To return to the scene of the crime.                        
                                                            
25564 DUBYA - VOTING                 Prof M-G                 



Having worked Dubya's campaign like mad,                    
It will be a career launching pad,                          
If young George is anointed.                                
She'll soon be appointed                                    
Ambassador, country of Chad.                                
                                                            
25565 DUBYA - VOTING                 Scott                    



George Bush is the top man to beat,                         
Which could turn out to be quite a feat.                    
Though his spending is huge,                                
There could be a deluge                                     
Of Bush votes from Saddam's defeat.                         
                                                            
25566 DUBYA - VOTING                 Tomer Shiran             



Tonight we set clocks back an hour,                         
To save some electrical power.                              
But the chance is now here                                  
To turn clocks back years;                                  
Just vote Bush and Helms into power.                        
                                                            
25567 DUBYA - VOTING                 Dr Limerick              



Bush heads the American nation,                             
Though in doubt was his call to this station.               
For the vote was rejigged                                   
Bu a court that was rigged,                                 
Yet he still wants a standing ovation.                      
                                                            
25568 DUBYA - VOTING                 David McKay              



Oh dear, it's the smell of hypocracy,                       
For Dubya upholding democracy.                              
He wants Yasser ejected                                     
Though truly elected,                                       
Not pushed by a legal bureaucracy.                          
                                                            
25569 DUBYA - VOTING                 Tiddy Ogg                



We thought our election was through,                        
Till lawyers demanded their due.                            
If Al Gore wins now,                                        
Then George Bush will vow,                                  
The courts were his sad Waterloo.                           
                                                            
25570 DUBYA - VOTING                 Chris Papa               



They'll be rushing to have three or four                    
Anti-missles by 2004;                                       
Their haste means we know                                   
Their principal foe                                         
Is Daschle or Gephardt or Gore.                             
                                                            
25571 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



President Bush, it is clear, is quite mad.                  
Why else wage a war on Baghdad?                             
It pissed off the Iraqis,                                   
And all Saddam's lackeys,                                   
And now the situation's REALLY bad.                         
                                                            
25572 DUBYA - WARFARE                Coralie Venus            



Dubya's mid-terms provided a shush                          
To objections re: his warlike push.                         
Per White House instruction,                                
Weapons of mass destruction                                 
Are to be found behind every Bush.                          
                                                            
25573 DUBYA - WARFARE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



King George has committed his Reich                         
To the doctrine of pre-emptive strikes.                     
Beware, Minnisota                                           
And South Dakota,                                           
If you vote a way he doesn't like.                          
                                                            
25574 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



They told you men walked on the moon.                       
With Dubya and Blair facing doom                            
In the polls, in real trouble,                              
So catch Saddam's double,                                   
And watch those opinion polls zoom.                         
                                                            
25575 DUBYA - WARFARE                Tiddy Ogg                



I do not believe it's his double;                           
I don't mean to be bursting your bubble,                    
But it sure was a treat                                     
And it tickeled your feet                                   
And got Bush and Blair out of their trouble.                
                                                            
25576 DUBYA - WARFARE                Nawahl                   



You betcha!  You know what he needs                         
That to overcome Democrats leads,                           
By the "statesman" the 'Crats                               
Have fielded, that's stats                                  
In the papers that eeveryone reads.                         
                                                            
25577 DUBYA - WARFARE                John Miller              



Well, damned if I know about Blair.                         
He's British, so why should I care?                         
But if he dropped dead,                                     
Would you come out ahead                                    
Or have something worse in your hair?                       
                                                            
25578 DUBYA - WARFARE                John Miller              



Or else some political chap                                 
Who's spouting the usual crap,                              
Supporting his creed                                        
Of power and greed,                                         
And think's every voter's a sap.                            
                                                            
25579 DUBYA - WARFARE                John Miller              



But try as they might they can't hide                       
That their ultimate mission defied                          
The rules that were set                                     
By a UN gazette.                                            
By the looks of it, justice has died.                       
                                                            
25580 DUBYA - WARFARE                Nawahl                   



Now, Saddam might have been a bad chap                      
Who now sits with his head in his lap.                      
But I'm very frustrated                                     
And a little irated,                                        
Of hearing from Bush and Blair's crap.                      
                                                            
25581 DUBYA - WARFARE                Nawahl                   



Now they highlite the crimes of Saddam                      
And denounce him the ultimate bum,                          
But forget not the hour                                     
He was kept in power,                                       
When with US, Kuwait he did numb.                           
                                                            
25582 DUBYA - WARFARE                Anon                     



He comes now to give us the score                           
In the neocon's unprovoked war.                             
The dollars we've sent,                                     
Have been so well spent,                                    
That they'll need only several times more.                  
                                                            
25583 DUBYA - WARFARE                DC Dave                  



Of course, the new Prez is a twit                           
And much worse -- does that make him unfit?                 
To bomb little nations                                      
And their populations,                                      
Brains could be a drag, you'll admit.                       
                                                            
25584 DUBYA - WARFARE                Edward Leer              



To attack or not to attack?                                 
That's the question proposed on Iraq.                       
But Its Arabic neighbors                                    
Don't favor such labors,                                    
Which they see as another Bushwhack.                        
                                                            
25585 DUBYA - WARFARE                Limerick Savant          



Some say Bush is running AMOK                               
And in quagmire will soon be stuck.                         
But history will show                                       
He struck the right blow,                                   
While Chirac his thumb he did suck.                         
                                                            
25586 DUBYA - WARFARE                Norm brust               



Seeking Weapons of Mass Distraction,                        
Ashcroft and Bush find real satisfaction.                   
They warn us of doom;                                       
They say 'twill be soon.                                    
Change the color and watch the reaction.                    
                                                            
25587 DUBYA - WARFARE                Anon                     



When those who now die in Iraq                              
Meet those who were under attack                            
That September day,                                         
Do you think they will say,                                 
"Let's give Dubya a pat on the back?"                       
                                                            
25588 DUBYA - WARFARE                Jo McGahey               



They say now, Osama Bin Laden                               
Away from our soldiers has gotten.                          
Those making such claims                                    
That we've met our war aims,                                
Are clearly by power besotten.                              
                                                            
25589 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  02-24-02    



American President Shrub                                    
Is in love with the thud of a Scud,                         
So he wanted a war                                          
To drop bombs galore,                                       
But it's terror we're fighting, G'Dub.                      
                                                            
25590 DUBYA - WARFARE                Chris Cleirigh           



Wasn't finding Hussain just sublime,                        
Grimy, dirty and not in his prime?                          
But something went wrong,                                   
It's been planned all along                                 
To unearth him at election time.                            
                                                            
25591 DUBYA - WARFARE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



Survivors of bullets all tell                               
That war as we know it, is hell.                            
But there's dough to be made,                               
So our soldiers are bade                                    
Go fight for Halliburton and Bechtel.                       
                                                            
25592 DUBYA - WARFARE                Arnie Schoenburn    P0305



Said Bush, "The Iraqis have hidden                          
Weapons that I have forbidden                               
And I'm Chief of Police.                                    
In the name of world peace,                                 
I'll invade them.  By George, I'm not kiddin'!              
                                                            
25593 DUBYA - WARFARE                Lachlan Dengate          



The bookies, (I read in the press,)                         
Are now asking gamblers to guess                            
Which first will be found:                                  
Saddam's weapons mound,                                     
Or the beast that lives in Loch Ness.                       
                                                            
25594 DUBYA - WARFARE                Tiddy Ogg                



Now here, sir, you're downright insulting;                  
George Bush's gulf war was revolting.                       
Once Iraq was pushed back...                                
After years of attack,                                      
Have you seen any great good resulting?                     
                                                            
25595 DUBYA - WARFARE                                         



Said Dubya: "Now it's time to make war;                     
It's irrelevant what it is for.                             
'Cause I'm for it as long                                   
As it makes me feel strong                                  
And I'm able to settle Dad's score!                         
                                                            
25596 DUBYA - WARFARE                Lims for 2003            



Bush at Guantanamo Bay                                      
Lets prisoners all have their say,                          
As long as they hide                                        
Any truth from their side,                                  
And agree to the "Amercan Way".                             
                                                            
25597 DUBYA - WARFARE                Will Lobban              



Guantanamo's evilly brainy                                  
As a place to imprison detainees.                           
No meddlesome lawyers                                       
Or media voyeurs                                            
To ask about rights miscellany.                             
                                                            
25598 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  12-27-01    



The Bushies will be up all night                            
Devising excuses to fight.                                  
Bush can't go to war                                        
Without saying what for --                                  
In your heart, though, you know that he might.              
                                                            
25599 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



The presumption of physical force                           
Appeals to the mind of a horse;                             
In deference to                                             
What presidents do,                                         
A horse is a horse, of course.                              
                                                            
25600 DUBYA - WARFARE                Paul Bowman              



"The axis of evil," said Bush,                              
"It is clear, must be given the push."                      
So with Howard and Blair,  (Aussie and Brit PM's)           
(Such a charming wee pair.)                                 
I'll blow up Iraq with a whoosh!                            
                                                            
25601 DUBYA - WARFARE                Noela Maletz             



A declaration with a date it must meet,                     
To be credible, must be complete.                           
But how will we know?                                       
The inspection will show;                                   
George says either way I'll defeat.                         
                                                            
25602 DUBYA - WARFARE                Anon                     



Cried Dubya in the White House one day,                     
"My marbles have all gone astray!                           
By the time they got back,                                  
I'd invaded Iraq.                                           
What on Earth can I possibly say?"                          
                                                            
25603 DUBYA - WARFARE                Sue Carey                



There once was a rich boy from Dallas,                      
Who had a very small phallus.                               
To make up for this lack,                                   
He invaded Iraq                                             
And got toxic with oil greed and malice.                    
                                                            
25604 DUBYA - WARFARE                Graeme Dunstane          



George Bush the second, cried "War                          
Will settle my Daddy's old score."                          
Well, Saddam may have lost,                                 
But Iraq bears the cost.                                    
But they're worse off than ever before.                     
                                                            
25605 DUBYA - WARFARE                Jo McGahey               



There's now a way, much simplified,                         
To warn when with the terror threat high:                   
Check news sites to see:                                    
Is Bush in D.C.?                                            
If so, then it's okay to fly.                               
                                                            
25606 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  05-18-02    



One clue that will help you to know                         
If the terrorist danger is low,                             
Is to log on and see.                                       
If Bush's in D.C.,                                          
There's probably no danger, if so.                          
                                                            
25607 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



How can ordinary living go on                               
While the U.S. is waving its gun,                           
And Tony tells Britain                                      
That war's only fittin',                                    
And hurries to join in the fun.                             
                                                            
25608 DUBYA - WARFARE                Edwina Leer              



But hundreds of millions worldwide                          
Are opposed to this mass homocide.                          
From nation to nation                                       
Tomorrow's demonstration                                    
Will show that with peace we're allied.                     
                                                            
25609 DUBYA - WARFARE                Edwina Leer              



The anti-war crowd is immense;                              
With millions, the act was intense.                         
But God! Did you see                                        
The billions, like me,                                      
Not showing dumb signs, but good sense?                     
                                                            
25610 DUBYA - WARFARE                Travis Brasell           



Dubya, a top German did mention,                            
By turning domestic attention                               
To warrin' and bombin'                                      
Is acting in common                                         
With Hitler's despotic ascension!                           
                                                            
25611 DUBYA - WARFARE                Anon                     



Tigers are dangerous without fail;                          
We know this from the World War II tale.                    
Japs kicked a sleeping one,                                 
Setting the Rising Sun,                                     
And now Dubya has one by the tail.                          
                                                            
25612 DUBYA - WARFARE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



The State of the Union oration                              
By Bush promised lower taxation,                            
For those whose high living                                 
Needs oil to keep giving,                                   
And war for the rest of the nation.                         
                                                            
25613 DUBYA - WARFARE                Lims for 2003            



They say they've deciphered the ciphers                     
And warned us of terrorist divers;                          
Planes, trains, and ships;                                  
Alerts seem to drip                                         
As needed from White House connivers.                       
                                                            
25614 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  05-25-02    



There once was a young chap from Texas,                     
Who said, "Saddam, you sure do vex us.                      
We are coming to see                                        
All your WMD,  (weapons of mass destruction)                
But they soon found themselves in a nexus.                  
                                                            
25615 DUBYA - WARFARE                Tony Kiek                



Hans Blix under UN instruction                              
Sought weapons of massive destruction.                      
But none could be found                                     
In Iraq on the ground.                                      
What's more, there were none in production.                 
                                                            
25616 DUBYA - WARFARE                David McKay              



There was a young Texan named Bush                          
Who, through to the White House, did push.                  
He invaded Iraq;                                            
Clapped himself on the back;                                
May he fall ass over head on his tush.                      
                                                            
25617 DUBYA - WARFARE                Jo McGahey               



Bush is pushing for missile defense,                        
Despite pressures which can be intense.                     
He will follow through --                                   
It's the right thing to do --                               
Self-protection makes so much good sense.                   
                                                            
25618 DUBYA - WARFARE                                         



Georgie, Bush, not Puddin' and Pie,                         
Crushed iraq from the land, sea, and sky.                   
The UN might return;                                        
How old Gerogie must yearn                                  
To pull out of this mess on a high.                         
                                                            
25619 DUBYA - WARFARE                Jo McGahey               



Why does Dubya want to start a new war,                     
That the rest of the world isn't for.                       
'Cause without such a brawl,                                
There is no way at all                                      
He can win in 2004.                                         
                                                            
25620 DUBYA - WARFARE                Anon                     



Bush vowed, with an eye on the polls,                       
To smoke terrorists out of their holes.                     
That's all well and good                                    
And I wish that he would,                                   
But I hope he has more precise goals.                       
                                                            
25621 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



The "holes" calls to mind Vietnam                           
Where we dropped tons and tons of big bombs.                
But we never knew                                           
What we wanted to do.                                       
At the end, it was we who succumbed.                        
                                                            
25622 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



As we march on Afghanistan's plains,                        
One hopes that in D.C., the brains                          
Can appoint a commission                                    
To draft statement of mission                               
Beyond, "Get Bin Laden's remains!"                          
                                                            
25623 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



The future will slowly unwind;                              
We cannot be willfully blind;                               
We can't just tell when,                                    
In one year or ten;                                         
The exact date cannot be divined.                           
                                                            
25624 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



But your fear's an essential ingredient                     
To be used when we find it expedient.                       
When the Gops feeling hurt,                                 
We'll call an alert,                                        
To be broadcast by press corps obedient.                    
                                                            
25625 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



The Pentagon, strategy-wise,                                
On disinformation relies;                                   
Explaining, perhaps,                                        
Credibility gaps,                                           
And denying October Surprise.                               
                                                            
25626 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



Dubya's terror war now is his foil,                         
And the country he's roiled to a boil.                      
But before he's all through,                                
He'll convince us anew                                      
That he won't profit from Iraq's oil.                       
                                                            
25627 DUBYA - WARFARE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



Bush has done right at long last,                           
About captured guys at "Gitmo" amassed.  (Guantanamo Bay)   
The Geneva accords                                          
For the Taliban hordes,                                     
But no slack for the Al Qaida caste.                        
                                                            
25628 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  02-07-02    



Said the WMD expert Kay,   (weapons mass destruction)       
"We found no such weapons today,"                           
Bush shouted out loud                                       
To a partisan crowd,                                        
"This proves that my war is okay."                          
                                                            
25629 DUBYA - WARFARE                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



There was Bush, there was Powell and Rice;                  
And Rumsfeld et al with advice.                             
They saw money and oils                                     
From the war as their spoils;                               
Never counted lost lives in their price.                    
                                                            
25630 DUBYA - WARFARE                Jo McGahey               



For months I have wondered not if,                          
But when Dubya's Arabic miff                                
Would lead us to war,                                       
With blood, guts and gore,                                  
From women and kids cold and stiff.                         
                                                            
25631 DUBYA - WARFARE                Archie                   



A puppet, George Dubya Shrub,                               
Received two incredible snubs.                              
One from Bin Laden;                                         
Another from Saddam,                                        
So he bombed them; don't mess with George Dub.              
                                                            
25632 DUBYA - WARFARE                Chris Cleirigh           



There once was a President named Bush,                      
Who should have been tossed out on his tush.                
But not getting the sack,                                   
He waged war on Iraq,                                       
And gave millions of protesters the push.                   
                                                            
25633 DUBYA - WARFARE                Coralie Venus            



Bush tried diplomatical tact                                
That his previous efforts have lacked;                      
He told the U.N.                                            
We're all allies and friends,                               
Now that we're the ones who've been attacked.               
                                                            
25634 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



A reduction in arms sounds quite nice                       
But reread the document twice;                              
As per the accord,                                          
The nukes can be stored                                     
And from mothballs be pulled in a trice.                    
                                                            
25635 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  05-24-02    



Look, old Dubya's again on his feet,                        
And he's treading his old war-path street.                  
As he's marchin' along                                      
With his threatening schlong.                               
'Course I'm talking George, and not Pete.                   
                                                            
25636 DUBYA - WARFARE                                         



A coke-fiend and a confirmed lush                           
Has only a button to push,                                  
So we'll glow in the dark;                                  
Someone get a narc;                                         
DEA save us from Dubya Bush.                                
                                                            
25637 DUBYA - WARFARE                Phil T                   



The American plan is quite clear;                           
We bomb and we buy till they hear.                          
Pipelines and oil                                           
We find on their soil,                                      
For Dubya holds these things dear.                          
                                                            
25638 DUBYA - WARFARE                Anon                     



I had feared that the rubber-stamp Congress                 
Would say little and then respond less,                     
To the first-strike attack                                  
George wants for IRAQ,                                      
But there's reason to hope that's a wrong guess.            
                                                            
25639 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



The plan was in place and rehearsed,                        
In case worse had come to the worst.                        
When time came to call out                                  
And hide from the fall out,                                 
The plan was Republicans first.                             
                                                            
25640 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  03-05-02    



Said King George to Crown Prince Abdullah:                  
"Now don't give me none of your bulla.                      
Our Military might                                          
Gives me the right --                                       
Who cares 'bout the rag-headed mullah?"                     
                                                            
25641 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick              



"Saddam," said George, "you're a pain.                      
We will just have to bomb you again."                       
So he sent the Marines                                      
To dig lots of latrines,                                    
In the hope that they'd shit on Hussein.                    
                                                            
25642 DUBYA - WARFARE                Tony Kiek                



There's a wee bit of Irish, they say,                       
Touching everyone's heart in some way,                      
Save for Bush, Rumsfeld, Rice                               
And their gang who're not nice,                             
Starting war on St Patrick's own day!                       
                                                            
25643 DUBYA - WARFARE                Lims for 2003            



You Yankees think you are the greatest,                     
But checking out news of the latest;                        
Your leader's a twit                                        
With barely a whit                                          
Of intelligence; "He that doth hateth!"                     
                                                            
25644 DUBYA - WARFARE                Narni                    



That wimp of J. W. Bush                                     
Will turn all of us into mush,                              
Over his love of war,                                       
And the ultimate score                                      
Will be humans en-masse turned to slush.                    
                                                            
25645 DUBYA - WARFARE                Narni                    



I send you a welcoming greet,                               
And warn you, be careful, my sweet.                         
My soft pussy paws                                          
Hide razor sharp claws,                                     
Which makes easy work of new meat.                          
                                                            
25646 DUBYA - WARFARE                Goin2later               



Old George to his president son,                            
"Go fight that war I should have won,                       
In battle engage;                                           
Because of your age,                                        
You'll not even need your own gun."                         
                                                            
25647 DUBYA - WARFARE                Bob Birch           P0302



"You're right, Dad, you do speak the truth,                 
We pay folks to fight tooth to tooth.                       
So the radical right,                                       
Says let them fight our fight,                              
They are our expendable youth."                             
                                                            
25648 DUBYA - WARFARE                Bob Birch           P0302



Says Bush, "It's Iraqi skulduggery;                         
They are evil and cunning as buggery."                      
So his troops he paraded;                                   
He bombed and invaded                                       
In an act uf unparallelled thuggery.                        
                                                            
25649 DUBYA - WARFARE                John Dengate             



I'm sure that you all will recall                           
The precedent on which we'll fall --                        
The Resolution of Tonkin                                    
Got hardly no talkin';                                      
And evidence?  Nothing at all.                              
                                                            
25650 DUBYA - WARFARE                Dr Limerick  08-26-02    



Dubya said, "It makes my blood boil,                        
To hear that we want Iraq's oil.                            
We'll just take some to pay                                 
For my war, and each day                                    
That our troops occupy Iraq's soil.                         
                                                            
25651 DUBYA - WARFARE                Lims for 2003            



When Dubya was elected as President                         
On spurious votes -- that's self-evident --                 
To cover his shame,                                         
He made war on Hussein,                                     
With excuses egregiously magniloquent.                      
                                                            
25652 DUBYA - WARFARE                Bob Phillips             



Said the chief of staff, "I've got a beef:                  
Those casualties give me much grief."                       
Said the Sec. of Defense,                                   
"I'm not in charge, hence:                                  
Take it up with the flight-suit-in-chief."                  
                                                            
25653 DUBYA - WARFARE                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



Young Dubya, who should have known better,                  
Sent Saddam a short bragging letter:                        
"Your WMD                                                   
Are too tiny to see.                                        
In Texas they're bigger and better!"                        
                                                            
25654 DUBYA - WARFARE                Tony Kiek                



The best Christmas greetings from me.                       
It may be the last one we see,                              
'Cause Mesopotamia's                                        
Near turning uranious,                                      
As Dubya begins World War III.                              
                                                            
25655 DUBYA - WARFARE                Tiddy Ogg                



There's one thing that we can construe --                   
If men carry on as they do                                  
Then the facts we must face,                                
Men will soon take their place                              
With the animals caged in the zoo.                          
                                                            
25656 EVOLUTION                      Albin Chaplin 3024  P8810



An ape, taught to speak by old Ritter,                      
Became a most talkative critter.                            
He was told how his clan                                    
Was related to man;                                         
His complaints of the insult were bitter.                   
                                                            
25657 EVOLUTION                      Albin Chaplin 3024  P8810



The world's in a horrible shape                             
Due to man, not gorilla or ape.                             
The apes and gorillas                                       
Are peace-minded fellows:                                   
Don't hoard. Don't murder. Don't rape.                      
                                                            
25658 EVOLUTION                      Laurence Perrine    P8810



At the zoo, an old keeper of note,                          
Crossed a baboon, a parrot, and goat.                       
The offspring, unique,                                      
Soon learned how to speak,                                  
And it asked for its rights and a vote.                     
                                                            
25659 EVOLUTION                      Albin Chaplin 0324  P8810



The vaporous fog that's MIASMA                              
We now know gave first protoplasma,                         
When in Genesis,                                            
Acid synthesis,                                             
Bringing order to chaos phantasma.                          
                                                            
25660 EVOLUTION                      Daniel Ford              



For all-time Efficiency honors --                           
Ten thousand BC, Ogog ponders.                              
"No future is there                                         
If wheels remain square,"                                   
Then Ogog began cutting corners.                            
                                                            
25661 EVOLUTION                      Al Chaplin   P0201  P8906



A caveman in old St. Tropez                                 
Could eat a whole pig in one day...                         
Ears, tail, snout and guts,                                 
But never the nuts.                                         
Asked why, he'd declare, "That's outre!"                    
                                                            
25662 EVOLUTION                      Sally Porter        P8812



The caves in the Stone Age were dusty,                      
And chilly and drafty, and musty.                           
But surely much worse                                       
Was the terrible curse                                      
Of the Iron Age, with everything rusty.                     
                                                            
25663 EVOLUTION                      Funfax Limericks         



I've never forgotten -- have you?                           
That Sunday we spent at the zoo,                            
Comparing the features                                      
Of all of those creatures                                   
We're related (though distantly) to.                        
                                                            
25664 EVOLUTION                      Laurence Perrine    P8810



If you would trace your family tree,                        
Be braced to find some strange debris.                      
For deep in the past,                                       
When manners were cast,                                     
You were kin to the chimpanzee.                             
                                                            
25665 EVOLUTION                      Gerald Bosacker          



Genealogy is at times bleak,                                
Leaving me at wit's end, so to speak.                       
I would not be offended                                     
To learn I'm descended                                      
From the ancient clan chief, "Fitz of Pique".               
                                                            
25666 EVOLUTION                      Loren Fitzhugh      P2006



"Evolution means progress? My eye!"                         
Buzzed a something I heard whining by.                      
"After lives of illusion,                                   
At Time's nigh collusion,                                   
I've worked up to being -- a fly!"                          
                                                            
25667 EVOLUTION                      Laurence Perrine    P8810



"With that deft and magnificent ease                        
They gracefully swing through the trees!                    
Let the jeering begin.                                      
I am proud of my kin!"                                      
Cried the man on the flying trapeze.                        
                                                            
25668 EVOLUTION                      Laurence Perrine    P8408



"Evolution," complained Mr. Glass,                          
"On occasion achieves too much class                        
And succeeds much too well,                                 
As homeowners can tell,                                     
Who have tried to get rid of crabgrass."                    
                                                            
25669 EVOLUTION                      A. N. Wilkins       P8810



The rats that were raised by old Flynn                      
Were trained like no others had been.                       
When a rat learned to speak                                 
He proceeded to shriek,                                     
"Oh my God, what a man-race I'm in!"                        
                                                            
25670 EVOLUTION                      Al Chaplin 3024     P8810



The School Board wants Kansas to be                         
Prepared for the comming century.                           
It will teach evolution                                     
Without any dilution,                                       
By junk science born in theology.                           
                                                            
25671 EVOLUTION                      Dr Limerick  02-14-01    



If acids and bases combine                                  
With proper amounts, in a line,                             
The results will impress                                    
And revise with each stress,                                
From algae to mortals divine.                               
                                                            
25672 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



And in the far future, mere dust                            
That's stirred up and scattered in gusts.                   
Takes up a new form,                                        
And finds itself born,                                      
Complete with hot passions and lust.                        
                                                            
25673 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



A puddle of dust mixed with grime                           
Requires but a wink and some time                           
Before it will grow                                         
And what do you know?                                       
Out climbs a tadpole from the slime.                        
                                                            
25674 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



Now spirals and lines can make ladders;                     
Crystalline structures oft shatter,                         
But carbon is glue                                          
And that is the clue;                                       
The nexus connecting; that matters.                         
                                                            
25675 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



The story includes blazing bolts                            
Of lightning descending in jolts.                           
And fumes from hot vents,                                   
Untamed turbulence,                                         
And deafening musical notes.                                
                                                            
25676 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



In darkness, it's hard to find light,                       
Much harder for life to ignite.                             
But even in the black,                                      
Those ladders will stack,                                   
And rise dizzily high in their height.                      
                                                            
25677 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



Life, life: a concoction of bits                            
And molecules throwing small fits.                          
They jockey for favor                                       
And sometimes they waiver,                                  
And fall by the wayside -- the pits!                        
                                                            
25678 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



Amazing, these tiny small strings;                          
To birds -- they give them their wings.                     
And lions -- their claws                                    
And dogs -- their four paws,                                
And scaly fish -- flippers and things.                      
                                                            
25679 EVOLUTION                      Matthew Montchalin       



And to eagles their wings on a ledge                        
And the color and shape of a hedge.                         
And to chocolate flavor                                     
That we all can savor,                                      
And that awful smell of stewed veg.                         
                                                            
25680 EVOLUTION                      Michelle                 



As the lizard crawled up from the slime,                    
He said, "In a few eons of time,                            
With some serious groomin'                                  
I might be a human;                                         
I might even learn how to rhyme."                           
                                                            
25681 EVOLUTION                      Ann Gasser          P8811



Three sausages, the menu read,                              
But I got two, so I said,                                   
"I'm sorry, I think                                         
There is a missing link."                                   
The Times sent down their Science Ed.                       
                                                            
25682 EVOLUTION                      Irving Superior     P8810



A primate in search of a lover,                             
Had a fling with a curator's mother;                        
And the progeny, Joe,                                       
When grown up had to know,                                  
"Is it true that I'm my keeper's brother?"                  
                                                            
25683 EVOLUTION                      William N. Nesbit        



As results sometimes seem quite contrary,                   
Can the Primary Purpose miscarry?                           
Did Nature intend                                           
To produce in the end                                       
A Socrates or a Bill Perry?                                 
                                                            
25684 EVOLUTION                      A. N. Wilkins       P8810



When God made the world in its prime,                       
Like begat like every time.                                 
But then to temp fate                                       
He commanded: MUTATE --                                     
And that's why we're not all green slime.                   
                                                            
25685 EVOLUTION                      Arthur Deex         P8810



The test gave poor Dorothy the blahs.                       
It uncovered her weakness and flaws                         
"Fuck you SAT                                               
Plus biology;                                               
I'm going back to the land of OZ."                          
                                                            
25686 EVOLUTION                      Tom Patton          P0001



Said Dorothy, in SAT-shock, "Oh balls!                      
I don't think we're in Kansas at all.                       
Scientific Creation                                         
Screwed up my vocation;                                     
It's beautician, not Princeton, next fall.                  
                                                            
25687 EVOLUTION                      Arthur Deex         P0001



Said Dorothy, in mid-test, "Oh crap!                        
The science I learned has a gap.                            
Out here in the sticks                                      
With the born-again hicks,                                  
Church and State have a vast overlap."                      
                                                            
25688 EVOLUTION                      Arthur Deex         P0001



Dorothy said, "My choice is MIT,                            
If I score on this damn SAT.                                
I know physics and math                                     
And can plot a bar graph --                                 
So who needs to know biology?"                              
                                                            
25689 EVOLUTION                      William N Nesbit    P0001



Said Dorothy, "I've a lot of confusion                      
About Mitochondrial Eve's contribution                      
To our genes long ago,                                      
For in Kansas, you know,                                    
Pseudo-science replaced evolution."                         
                                                            
25690 EVOLUTION                      Arthur Deex         P0001



Said Dorothy, "I now have no doubt                          
That my SAT score is a rout!                                
I haven't a clue, see,                                      
About Australopithecus afarensis Lucy                       
For in Kansas, Evolution is out."                           
                                                            
25691 EVOLUTION                      Arthur Deex         P0001



"Evolution," observed Mr. Baer,                             
"Labored ages with exquisite care,                          
Leaving no raveled threads,                                 
To perfect a few heads.                                     
The others are covered with hair."                          
                                                            
25692 EVOLUTION                      A. N. Wilkins       P8810



Evolution, a science superb,                                
The nut of creation in blurb,                               
To conquest, you'd stoop,                                   
To primordial soup,                                         
And good Southern Baptist disturb.   (oxymoron? - McW)      
                                                            
25693 EVOLUTION                      Chris Papa               



Said a protozoan, "Oh shoot!                                
For this life I don't give a hoot!                          
No adventure, no flex,                                      
No war, and no sex.                                         
Let us split, first, and then evolute!"                     
                                                            
25694 EVOLUTION                      Laurence Perrine    P8810



Man's term on this earth cannot last --                     
By the cockroach he will be surpassed.                      
To much credence he places                                  
And his future he bases                                     
On improbable tales from the past.                          
                                                            
25695 EVOLUTION                      Albin Chaplin 3024  P8810



On the steep slopes of Mount Delacorte,                     
The antelope play and cavort.                               
Through Darwinian projection                                
And natural selection,                                      
The left legs are normally short.                           
                                                            
25696 EVOLUTION                      VOL 7                    



I often have flies on my fly;                               
And NO, I will not tell you why.                            
But my rapid erection                                       
Means natural selection;                                    
If they are too slow then they die!                         
                                                            
25697 EVOLUTION                                               



The dispute the creationists begot,                         
Has been eased by a compromise, somewhat.                   
The issue's resolved                                        
That some folks evolved,                                    
But some, evidently, did not.                               
                                                            
25698 EVOLUTION                      Steve Holst              



A dino once said to his friend,                             
"For our life I think this is the end.                      
Evolution it's called,                                      
But I think it has stalled,                                 
Unless there's a monkey to send."                           
                                                            
25699 EVOLUTION                      Bob Birch           P9809



The field of biology's ruled                                
By those who in Darwin are schooled,                        
And fie on the fellow                                       
Who fails to find mellow,                                   
The essays of Steven Jay Gould.                             
                                                            
25700 EVOLUTION                      Norm Storer              



The previous critters before us,                            
The Bronto and Tyrannosaurus;                               
Before that in time,                                        
The tadpoles who climb                                      
From out of the slime, to bore us.                          
                                                            
25701 EVOLUTION                      Irving Superior     P9311



Teach the kids evolution today                              
Or creationist theory, hooray!                              
Despite all the chatter                                     
It does not really matter.                                  
They forget all that stuff anyway.                          
                                                            
25702 EVOLUTION                      A. N. Wilkins       P8810



Cue the Miracle: Granite resolving                          
To a spherical planet revolving;                            
Stray lightning bolts knife;                                
A brightening jolts life;                                   
Through a lyrical Man, it's evolving.                       
                                                            
25703 EVOLUTION                      Jerry Nordal        P0306



All the glory of nature explored,                           
The tortoise just can't be ignored;                         
A bird wing and beak,                                       
Subtle change in physique,                                  
The enhancements mutations afford.                          
                                                            
25704 EVOLUTION                      Joel D Ash               



An MIT man who loved Darwin,                                
Believed the evolutionist's jargon.                         
Along came God's truth,                                     
And he thought he had goofed.                               
Traditions of men are no bargain.                           
                                                            
25705 EVOLUTION                      M Pacell (Imbecile?)     



A fun-loving lady named Kate                                
And a pongo were able to mate.                              
The result of her sins                                      
Was quadruplets, not twins -                                
A chimp, two baboons, one primate.                          
                                                            
25706 EVOLUTION                      Arthur Deex         P8408



With Darwin's "The Descent of Man"                          
A horrible rumor began.                                     
An ape in a tree                                            
Is now you or me.                                           
So therefore your spouse you should scan.                   
(see following alternate last lines)                        
25707 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Irving Superior          



If white and not red is her can;                            
If sideways she eats a banan-;                              
Not hair on his chest but a tan;                            
Excessive her deoderan-;                                    
She screws like an orang-utan.                              
                                                            
25708 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Irving Superior          



As a youngster Charles Darwin collected                     
Lots of birds of the types now protected,                   
Spiders, beetles and bugs,                                  
Daddy-long-legs and slugs...                                
While his normal school work was neglected.                 
                                                            
25709 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



Then, discarding all circumlocution,                        
He faced up to the final solution,                          
That the shape of Mankind                                   
Is decreed and defined                                      
By the principles of evolution.                             
                                                            
25710 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



You can hardly believe the sensation                        
That was caused by the first publication                    
Of his 'Origins'--Why?                                      
Well, it seemed to imply                                    
That the monkey was Man's close relation.                   
                                                            
25711 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



From the pulpits priests thundered objection                
To the doctrine of Nature's selection,                      
And it's said there were some                               
Who were so overcome                                        
They forgot to take up a collection.                        
                                                            
25712 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



All the Press and both Houses were furious                  
And condemned his assertions as spurious.                   
He was snubbed at his club                                  
And thrown out of a pub --                                  
A circumstance known to the curious.                        
                                                            
25713 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



In the streets every unlettered peasant                     
Would indulge in some gesture unpleasant,                   
With perhaps a short mime                                   
Of an ape's breeding time--                                 
Provided no ladies were present.                            
                                                            
25714 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



Unabashed by such childish effusions                        
And amused by such vulgar allusions,                        
Darwin said, with a smile:                                  
'Mankind's critical style                                   
Merely serves to confirm my conclusions.'                   
                                                            
25715 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



This sermon I'm going to preach,                            
Some states now forbid one to teach.                        
To find what you're missin'                                 
Just come here and listen,                                  
And let's all stand up for free speech.                     
                                                            
25716 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



Charles Darwin climbed on to The Beagle,                    
(In those days that wasn't illegal,)                        
To welcome him there                                        
Came a drop from the air:                                   
"Oh, Bugger!" he said, "Damn that seagull.                  
                                                            
25717 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



The next day they had lifeboat drill;                       
Leapt over the side with a will.                            
But Charles missed the boat,                                
Hauled out by his coat,                                     
He emerged, with his mouth full of krill.                   
                                                            
25718 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



Their passage was terribly slow,                            
And rations were getting quite low;                         
While sailing off Riga                                      
They were far too meagre,                                   
And no-one had spare flesh to show.                         
                                                            
25719 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



The crew got so desperate and died,                         
Committing a mass suicide,                                  
Except for one bloke,                                       
Who, like Charles, liked a joke,                            
But the sad ones jumped over the side.                      
                                                            
25720 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



By this time they'd reached the Galapagos,                  
Whereon Charles and buddy did clap-agos,                    
"I spy turtle soup,"                                        
Cries Charles, "Come on group!"                             
The first one there gets every scrap-agos.                  
                                                            
25721 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



Those governing us are so tedious,                          
Their arguments mostly egregious.                           
They claim they're so wise,                                 
While telling such lies...                                  
The origin, thus, of the specious.                          
                                                            
25722 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



Observed Darwin, "The mammals increased                     
Thus producing a high type of beast                         
When the primate was bred."                                 
Somehow Charles never said                                  
Whether he meant the ape or the priest.                     
                                                            
25723 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             A. N. Wilkins       P8810



There was an old fellow named Bryan,                        
Whose voice was forevermore cryin'                          
"Do you think that my shape                                 
Was derived from an ape?                                    
Well, I think Charlie Darwin was lyin'."                    
                                                            
25724 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Berton Braley       P9611



Charles Darwin knew whereof he spoke,                       
He wasn't just making a joke.                               
But apes in the tree                                        
Looking down on D.C.,                                       
Protest we can't be their kinfolk.                          
                                                            
25725 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Evelyn Bogen             



After hearing a clutter of tapes                            
From the Little Rock trial, lawyer Mapes                    
Said, "No need to be leery;                                 
They prove Darwin's theory; ---                             
The Creationists all act like apes.                         
                                                            
25726 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Clifford M. Christ  P8208



After Cambridge, on H.M.S. Beagle,                          
He examined a bald-headed eagle,                            
And discovered the reason                                   
Why, even in season,                                        
It never could mate with a seagull.                         
                                                            
25727 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             T. L. McCarthy      P9501



The Galapagos Islands the place,                            
The H.M.S. Beagle as base;                                  
A rare strip of flora,                                      
A new type of fauna,                                        
Charles Darwin the sleuth on the case.                      
                                                            
25728 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Joel D Ash               



Sweet mystery of life all around,                           
Small clues that are there to be found;                     
Observing a finch,                                          
Grasping meaning no cinch,                                  
Anthropologists can't be hidebound.                         
                                                            
25729 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Joel D Ash               



A theory that's based on inspection,                        
Grand concept of natural selection;                         
The fittest survive,                                        
Better species all thrive,                                  
The collection of proof takes reflection.                   
                                                            
25730 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Joel D Ash               



Excitement that made his heart race,                        
A willingness to face disgrace;                             
Evolution onslaughts,                                       
So sure of his thoughts,                                    
Revolution the world must embrace.                          
                                                            
25731 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Joel D Ash               



"The Origin of Species" is written,                         
Theologians and doubters not smitten;                       
A storm of debate,                                          
Darwin finally proved great,                                
"The Descent of Man" lauded in Britain.                     
                                                            
25732 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Joel D Ash               



My fingers are extremely long;                              
My toes are fantastically strong.                           
Am I really me                                              
Or a damn chimpanzee?                                       
Just hope old Darwin was not wrong.                         
                                                            
25733 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tony Burrell             



I think now I'll have to agree                              
That Darwin knew my family tree.                            
I cannot escape                                             
From Great Uncle Ape,                                       
Since Life's made a monkey of me.                           
                                                            
25734 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Timothy Torkildson       



Young Darwin, he found him a turtle,                        
Fell in love with it, called the beast Myrtle.              
And then off he goes                                        
To the Galapagos,                                           
And Myrtle the turtle was furtled.                          
                                                            
25735 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Tiddy Ogg                



He'd been asked for his source of affection                 
For his Emma, and without objection,                        
Charles Darwin replied,                                     
With a wink in his eye,                                     
'Twas for him just a natural selection.                     
                                                            
25736 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             AsSumut                  



I'm Darwin, I had an erection                               
Of several square inches cross-section.                     
So I set out to screw                                       
Every Duchess I knew,                                       
In the interests of Natural Selection.                      
                                                            
25737 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             David Halliday           



At long last the enigma is solved;                          
In the past though confusion revolved                       
Around that town down under.                                
We no longer need wonder,                                   
Darwin wasn't conceived, he evolved.                        
                                                            
25738 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



Said Darwin, "Speaking hypothetically,                      
Evolution's a theory. Theoretically,                        
Survival of the fit's                                       
Quite obvious, you twits,                                   
Unless you're defective genetically."                       
                                                            
25739 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Lynn Mostafa             



On Darwin's "The Descent of Man,"                           
From treetops each orangutan                                
On reaching below,                                          
Less hair we must grow.                                     
And also must whiten our can.                               
                                                            
25740 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Irving Superior          



With "also must whiten our can,"                            
The Indian troubles began.                                  
And what's wrong with red?                                  
The Chinese then said,                                      
While blacks offered shadings of tan.                       
                                                            
25741 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Irving Superior          



And so as each century passes,                              
Distinctive in color each ass is.                           
"Mine's better than yours,"                                 
Accounting for wars                                         
And also the phrase "kicking asses."                        
                                                            
25742 EVOLUTION - DARWIN             Irving Superior          



A bard from the Lago di Como,                               
A smelly Tibetan from Gomo,                                 
Two faggots from Florence,                                  
Another from Lawrence --                                    
In this they're alike: genus Homo.                          
                                                            
25743 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Armand E Singer       474



To Spain's Santillana del Mar                               
Come tourists fro near and afar,                            
To gawk at old art                                          
Some rendered in part                                       
With carbon, and boarshit, and tar.                         
                                                            
25744 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Dick Menkes              



From Darwin's 'The Descent of Man,'                         
A sequel, 'The ascent of Man.'                              
The Atom Bomb -- BOOM                                       
And up up we zoom.                                          
Sub titled, 'The Ass End Of Man.'                           
                                                            
25745 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Irving Superior     P8810



An option one time man did seize                            
To live on the ground, if you please.                       
From the progress he's made,                                
And the talents displayed,                                  
It is time to go back to the trees.                         
                                                            
25746 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Albin Chaplin   3024-2788



Evolution's a theory, my dear,                              
That explains why we have eye and ear,                      
Why we have upright walk                                    
And why we can talk --                                      
Big tits and appendix aren't clear.                         
                                                            
25747 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arthur Deex         P8810



There once was a caveman named Ig                           
Whose club was incredibly big;                              
But the girls had no word                                   
For a tool so absurd,                                       
So they dubbed it a "thingumajig."                          
                                                            
25748 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Mark Levy           P0204



I hope to discover a genus                                  
Of man with gargantuan penis;                               
In the faith humankind,                                     
Will not be confined,                                       
With twig sized proportional weenis.                        
                                                            
25749 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



A troglodyte heard of Club Med.                             
(Yes, they had them back then, it is said.)                 
But he thought that it meant.                               
Bring your club when you went                               
To more easily bop some broad's head.                       
                                                            
25750 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Don Moore           P0203



A fellow from Cardiff assails                               
Darwin's theory and tells how it fails,                     
"Don't believe all those japes                              
That we're children of apes --                              
My ancestors," he said, "come from Wales."                  
                                                            
25751 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Bob Giandomenico    P8810



I've researched my own family tree;                         
It's impressive, I'm sure you'll agree.                     
The chart, though immense,                                  
Will, with effort, condense:                                
"From Cheetah to Tarzan to me."                             
                                                            
25752 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arthur Deex              



Long ago a big male chimpanzee                              
Spied a female and screwed her with glee.                   
It's good no disfuncion                                     
Curtailed their conjunction,                                
For their fun led to my pedigree.                           
                                                            
25753 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Julia Strawn        P8810



That's bad news for fellows, I hear;                        
The answer though's patently clear.                         
As Mellors did latterly                                     
With young Lady Chatterly,                                  
You're deaf with a tit in each ear.                         
                                                            
25754 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Tiddy                    



He deciphered his DNA code,                                 
And here's what the diagram showed:                         
If it changed one scintilla,                                
He'd have been a gorilla                                    
And the jungle would be his abode.                          
                                                            
25755 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



For a very large part of prehistory,                        
Where babies came from was a mystery;                       
Till a Cro-Magnon virgin                                    
Whose hormones were surgin',                                
Had Neanderthal kids.  End of mystery.                      
                                                            
25756 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              John E Mayood       P0203



While Darrow and Bryan are sparrin' --                      
Their famous court battle -- Charles Darwin                 
Who watched from above                                      
Gave Adam a shove                                           
And said with a drawl, "Ah guess Ah win."                   
                                                            
25757 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Irving Superior     P8810



I ponder the ages to be,                                    
When humans at last cease to be.                            
Will some sad primate                                       
Then degenerate                                             
Into something like you and like me?                        
                                                            
25758 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



We can trace man's descent from the monkey;                 
Like us they are horny and spunky,                          
And compared to the French,                                 
Who are known for their stench,                             
The monkeys don't smell all that funky.                     
                                                            
25759 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



For homework my daughter must see                           
If she can do her pedigree.                                 
Which is truly unfair,                                      
Other kids think she's square,                              
'Cause there's branches in our family tree.                 
                                                            
25760 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              John Miller 0261         



There was an old man with a beard,                          
Who said: "When our species appeared,                       
We at first took the shape                                  
Of a primitive ape,                                         
But then gradually re-engineered.                           
                                                            
25761 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Richard Long             



Long ago when Earth started to harden                       
Was the time that the first farms were startin'.            
B.C. Brown all aglow                                        
Plants his crops in a row.                                  
Too bad it was just a rock garden.                          
                                                            
25762 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Tom Patton          P0203



"We all come from apes!" some guy swears.                   
"No, it's Adam and Eve!" one declares.                      
But I am no fool,                                           
And I learned at my school,                                 
We descended of course, from four bears.                    
                                                            
25763 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Don Moore           P0306



Though Archie will give you a jape,                         
We won't let the riddle escape;                             
Your enigma is solved                                       
Where mankind evolved:                                      
A gregarious anthropoid ape.                                
                                                            
25764 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Anon                     



A young schoolboy who lives near the fens,                  
Was fitted with strong contact lens.                        
Now while in his classes,                                   
Without using his glasses,                                  
He can see the Homo sapiens.                                
                                                            
25765 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arthur Pattaffy          



Cried a comely young cave girl named Doris,                 
"I was raped by a male brontosaurus."                       
Her mother said, "Pshaw!                                    
I'd blame either your paw                                   
Or that Homo erectus called Horace."                        
                                                            
25766 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arthur Deex         P9703



A primitive humanoid, Ag,                                   
Went hunting, a tiger to bag.                               
After eating his meat,                                      
One of them was replete,                                    
And went off to look for a shag.                            
                                                            
25767 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ak,                                   
Was very much taken aback,                                  
'Cause the Marquis de Sade                                  
Had not yet been made,                                      
When his mate gave his prick a great whack.                 
                                                            
25768 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ath,                                  
Was the very first osteopath.                               
But he never got paid,                                      
The bills never made,                                       
'Cause they hadn't invented the math.                       
                                                            
25769 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ave,                                  
Thought, "I think what I want, is concave...                
Or is it convex?                                            
I know I want sex!                                          
I wonder if other shapes they've.                           
                                                            
25770 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Dee,                                  
Was searching her crack for a flea.                         
The flea went for a ride                                    
Right up inside,                                            
'Cause it jumped on her finger, you see.                    
                                                            
25771 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Di,                                   
Was searching her crack for a fly.                          
Along came a guy,                                           
Who asked for a try;                                        
From then the day seemed to fly by.                         
                                                            
25772 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Eek,                                  
Liked to play hide-and-seek                                 
With the clit of his mate.                                  
It would get him quite straight,                            
But she'd spoil all with a leak.                            
                                                            
25773 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Eft,                                  
Whose penis did not have much heft,                         
Said, "It looks kinda cute,                                 
But who wants a newt                                        
Flopping around in her cleft."                              
                                                            
25774 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Eg,                                   
So ugly he just had to beg                                  
The ugliest hag                                             
For one paltry shag,                                        
Then after, they'd piss on his leg.                         
                                                            
25775 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ek,                                   
Met a Yorkshire lass next to a beck.  (small stream)        
He rogered her twice,                                       
She said, "That was nice."                                  
So he gave her a third one, by heck.                        
                                                            
25776 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ekt,                                  
Decided to start a new sect.                                
The idol, his phallus;                                      
(A god without malice)                                      
The command, when displayed...Genuflect!                    
                                                            
25777 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Gu,                                   
With his spear went out hunting a Gnu.                      
A cannibal band                                             
Put his testicles and                                       
A sparrow, Gu's spear, in the stew.                         
(asparagus spear?)                                          
25778 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Id,                                   
Was surprised when his wife had a kid.                      
He was not very clear,                                      
How it came to be here.                                     
He knew not what it was that he did!                        
                                                            
25779 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Iff,                                  
Chiseled a monstrous glyph,                                 
Representing the vulva.                                     
(He rejected a culver)                                      
While carving he always was stiff.                          
                                                            
25780 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ik,                                   
Has his eye on a feminoid chick...                          
She touched his thigh                                       
Then said with a sigh,                                      
"Oh Ik, you are much too damn quick!"                       
                                                            
25781 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ik,                                   
Formed the first bishoprick.                                
But instead of a ring,                                      
A much later thing,                                         
All had to kiss the bishop's prick.                         
                                                            
25782 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, It,                                   
Went hunting, a stag's throat to slit.                      
He was caught by a bear,                                    
Who ate all but his hair,                                   
Then went off to have a good shit.                          
                                                            
25783 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Og,                                   
With his dog, went in search of a snog.                     
They met a young bitch,                                     
Not wearing a stitch.                                       
Who bagged, snogged, and shagged, Og or dog?                
                                                            
25784 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Uck,                                  
Went out to find something to fuck.                         
A young dinosaur                                            
Got him stuck in his craw;                                  
The dinosaur choked.  What bad luck!                        
                                                            
25785 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Uck,                                  
Had some orthinological luck.                               
He was tickled to bits                                      
By a pair of blue tits,                                     
On a bird he proceeded to fuck.                             
                                                            
25786 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ooah,                                 
Dragged a woman down to his boudoir.                        
What happened, I guess,                                     
Though she didn't say yes,                                  
Was uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh.                                 
                                                            
25787 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



A primitive humanoid, Ya,                                   
Met a girl by the river Volga.                              
At first she said, "Nyet,"                                  
Then began to feel wet,                                     
And finished by saying, "Da, da."                           
                                                            
25788 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              TuttaGioia               



From aeons of natural selection,                            
It's there to be seen in reflection;                        
To me nothing's clearer,                                    
When faced with a mirror,                                   
I'm the pinnacle of perfection.                             
                                                            
25789 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



Homo sapiens may not respect us                             
But we women have guile to protect us;                      
With the wink of an eye                                     
We can transmogrify                                         
Homo sap. into Homo erectus.                                
                                                            
25790 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              J. Mayhood          P9703



I looked up in my family tree;                              
I was shocked as ever could be.                             
There's no variations                                       
In my past relations.                                       
All were lazy and dumb, just like me.                       
                                                            
25791 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Jerry Mendelson    TP9804



I'm perplexed by the person who delves                      
In "Creation as Science," and shelves                       
Facts of every degree."                                     
Don't folks like this see                                   
The monkeys they make of themselves?                        
                                                            
25792 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Jerry Nordal        P0306



A monkey sprang down from a tree                            
And angrily cursed Charles D.                               
"I hold with the Bible,"                                    
He cried. "It's libel                                       
That man descended from me!"                                
                                                            
25793 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Laurence Perrine    P8808



The 'Origin of Species' states                              
That Man to Ape (not Eve) relates.                          
Whose sons are we?                                          
Brings up Premise Three --                                  
From bitches Man originates.                                
                                                            
25794 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Irving Superior     P8810



He took shelter with his entire clan.                       
A nomadic life he did not plan.                             
He was not prone to roam                                    
From his one room cave home.                                
He was not a MEANDERTHAL man.                               
                                                            
25795 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Loren Fitzhugh           



There once was a napper of stone,                           
Who lived in a cave all alone;                              
He wanted a bride,                                          
But couldn't decide:                                        
Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon?                                  
                                                            
25796 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Rosy Bouche         P9803



There once was a group named Oasis,                         
Whose eyebrows met on their faces.                          
When asked why this was,                                    
They said it's because                                      
We come from Neanderthal races.                             
                                                            
25797 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Richard Long             



The Neaderthal lived in a cave,                             
And used cold glacial melt for a lave.                      
He wore both hide and hair                                  
Of the Ice Age cave bear,                                   
And never did bother to shave.                              
                                                            
25798 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Cephas Harte             



Farewell to the dear days of Genesis.                       
We do these things now by synthesis.                        
And who would not rather                                    
Have a test tube for father,                                
That a homo in loco parenthesis.                            
                                                            
25799 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



The ape-man Pithecanthropus erectus,                        
Has many offspring to dissect us.                           
With them, might is right,                                  
And if we can't fight,                                      
There's nothing to make them respect us.                    
                                                            
25800 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arthur Guiterman         



Said Dorothy, SAT Score Plus B,                             
"With Creationists I must agree,                            
But on closer inspection                                    
I must make this correction:                                
God made them out of mud, but not me!"                      
                                                            
25801 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Albin Chaplin            



Oh come all and take a good gander                          
At this curious archaic Neander-                            
thal, Not on the stream                                     
Of true moderns, 'twould seem,                              
But a backward and stagnant meander.                        
                                                            
25802 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              C. Loring Brace     P9704



Evolving has worked cleverly;                               
Two eyes for stereoscopy;                                   
At the end of each wrist,                                   
A most inticate fist,                                       
And two legs, so much better than three.                    
                                                            
25803 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Jim Weaver Collection    



Charles Darwin was slow to direct us                        
To the condor's uncertain prospectus.                       
Consonation mutation                                        
Means reincarnation                                         
As accessory to Homo erectus.                               
(one consonant changes condor to condom - McW)              
25804 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Emily                    



As males, I contend it affects us,                          
And it pains me if I should sound sexist.                   
We must take a stand.                                       
Our ancestry's not bland.                                   
We're from Pithecanthropus Erectus                          
                                                            
25805 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Loren C. Fitzhugh        



'Tis written in the ancient runes                           
That man has evolved from baboons.                          
He learned how to shave                                     
And live in a cave,                                         
Hairy legs covered by PANTALOONS.                           
                                                            
25806 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Chris Papa               



We humans would not be the same,                            
Or even be left in the game,                                
Except mating done,                                         
For pleasure and fun,                                       
And dressed up in Eros' fair name.                          
                                                            
25807 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Chris Papa               



Evolution is really a loop;                                 
It's only ourselves that we dupe.                           
There's no point in skirting                                
The fact I'm reverting,                                     
Stright back to primordial soup.                            
                                                            
25808 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Richard Long             



Said a monk, as he swung by his tail,                       
To the little monks, female and male:                       
"From your offspring, my dears,                             
In not too many years,                                      
May evolve a professor at Yale."                            
                                                            
25809 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Anon                     



Living things are programmed and obsexed.                   
First survival, then love, kids come next.                  
They continue our line;                                     
Deter species decline.                                      
Brains, brawn, culture, footnotes the main text.            
                                                            
25810 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Esther Koch         P0204



The primitive Pithecanthropus erectus,                      
With whom the ethnologists connect us,                      
Defended his own                                            
By cudgel and stone.                                        
Why isn't he here to protect us?                            
                                                            
25811 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arthur Guiterman         



"One assumes," said a man named Carruthers,                 
"That among human sisters and brothers                      
With their various shapes,                                  
Some descended from apes                                    
More recently than did some others."                        
                                                            
25812 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              A. N. Wilkins       P8810



Evolution, from what I have seen,                           
Does not necessarily mean,                                  
We get better per se:                                       
There's a chance that one day                               
We'll evolve into what we have been!                        
                                                            
25813 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



The people from whom I've descended,                        
Their lunacy's truly extended;                              
There's a knot I can see,                                   
Up my family tree,                                          
Where it seems that all sanity ended.                       
                                                            
25814 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Cap'n Bean          P0306



A teacher in high school named Scopes                       
Dismayed bible-bangers and Popes                            
By teaching that Man                                        
An Orangutan;                                               
His trial predates modern-day soaps.                        
                                                            
25815 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Irving Superior     P8810



A famed biochemist from Thrace                              
Claims people take up too much space,                       
So now he is thinking                                       
Of working on shrinking                                     
Mankind to a half-pint sized race.                          
                                                            
25816 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Armand E Singer       906



Early man didn't survive                                    
Due to high IQ with which to strive.                        
It was BO, the stink,                                       
That made carnivores think                                  
Twice 'fore eating him or his wive.                         
                                                            
25817 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Sam Shaffe          P8810



But you may be right, my dear Pan;                          
I should get out more when I can.                           
'Twould require better clothes                              
But for now I shall close, with                             
Respectfully yours, Stone Age Man.                          
                                                            
25818 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



The arrogant Pithecanthropus erectus,                       
Whose traits, through inheritance, affect us,               
Was sure it was good                                        
To grab all he could,                                       
Like some of those whose morals deject us.                  
                                                            
25819 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arthur Guiterman         



The great ape was chewing a fern;                           
His thoughts made his visage seem stern.                    
They say, "Way back when,                                   
We evolved into men."                                       
So where did they take the wrong turn?                      
                                                            
25820 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



Two researchers who never would quit,                       
Traced their family tree, they admit,                       
So far in the past,                                         
They discovered at last,                                    
Their ancestors climbing in it.                             
                                                            
25821 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              A. N. Wilkins            



In Niffelheim 'twere cold and snows;                        
For our sins some say Jesus rose.                           
And Australopithecus                                        
Had tales quite mythic; us                                  
Moderns will have to suppose.                               
                                                            
25822 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



Proposals of marriage of yore;                              
A dragging by hair through the door.                        
It was "Vidi Vici"                                          
With guttural "Veni"                                        
With courtship considered a bore.                           
                                                            
25823 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Irving Superior     P9711



Who says humans must be the last                            
To evolve? Evolution's not fast.                            
I'm sure we will see                                        
Eventually                                                  
A creature more smart and whole-assed.                      
                                                            
25824 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Sam Shaffe          P8810



Little by little degree,                                    
The first man came down out of the tree.                    
And what revolution                                         
Brought this evolution?                                     
More likely, his wife had to pee.                           
                                                            
25825 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              MrMalo                   



Down ages through eons of time,                             
Evolution, females made the climb.                          
Left back on the trail,                                     
Homo sapient male                                           
Still swims in primordial slime.                            
                                                            
25826 EVOLUTION - HUMAN                                       



You slimy primordial swimmer,                               
You couldn't show up as much dimmer.                        
That one word you sent                                      
Shows how you are bent.                                     
I doubt if you're much of a quimmer.                        
                                                            
25827 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Archie                   



Said a molecule one ancient day:                            
"I'm so tired of this transient way.                        
Existing, abating,                                          
Without replicating."                                       
And presto!  There was DNA!                                 
                                                            
25828 EVOLUTION - HUMAN              Alexander Baron          



Going back to the paleolithic,                              
(And perhaps I am not scientific-                           
Ally Correct, but then who                                  
Cares.) There we find two                                   
Young ladies in talk analytic.                              
                                                            
25829 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



"Why don't you," said Tracy to Clare,                       
"Be more thorough when doing your hair.                     
The one way to nudge on                                     
A man with a bludgeon                                       
Is coiffure."  But her friend said "Don't care."            
                                                            
25830 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



"When Quentin comes back from the pub,                      
His foreplay's the same, with the club.                     
But he then grabs my feet,                                  
Not my hair, like your Pete,                                
And it does cause me grief, that's the rub."                
                                                            
25831 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



"Though he's kind, and he's terribly loyal,                 
It's a habit I really must foil,                            
'Cause that way around,                                     
When I'm dragged on the ground,                             
My pussy gets filled up with soil."                         
                                                            
25832 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



If for cave folk these names do seem strange,               
Well, high in the Transpennine range,                       
There are caves, and the walls                              
Are covered with scrawls;                                   
It just proves that some names never change.                
                                                            
25833 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



A caveman who called himself Og,                            
Had lived all his life in a bog.                            
Extinction he faced,                                        
So in desperate haste,                                      
He buggered his friendly old dog.                           
                                                            
25834 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     PeterW                   



A silly mistake and unwise,                                 
'Cause the dog turned around in surprise,                   
And quick as a jiffy,                                       
He bit off his stiffy,                                      
Which hastened his final demise.                            
                                                            
25835 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     PeterW                   



It seems Og deserved what he got,                           
In trying to cornhole old Spot.                             
He should have resolved                                     
Just how far Spot's evolved.                                
Canis familiaris the lupus type's not.                      
                                                            
25836 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Irish                    



About women, I've heard the news sung;                      
They're evolving; this ain't idle dung;                     
This may give you a fit,                                    
What we now call a clit,                                    
Will evolve to a gal's second tongue!                       
                                                            
25837 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     AAllen Wolverton         



What are now fibroid tumors today,                          
Will become vocal chords, so they say.                      
By the year 10k-ten,                                        
Gals will yell at their men                                 
In full stereophonic array!                                 
                                                            
25838 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Allen Wolverton          



There once was a caveman called Ogg                         
Who lived most of his life in a bog.                        
With his wife Ermintrude,                                   
He wrote limericks rude,                                    
Hieroglyphically carved on a log.                           
                                                            
25839 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



Now his great great great ancestor Tid                      
Has deciphered them; lifting the lid                        
On the old-fashioned ways                                   
Of romance in those days,                                   
When a girl did whatever was bid.                           
                                                            
25840 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



Our Ogg of the paleolithic                                  
Thought pussy pelt downright terrific.                      
And the cavegirls would moan                                
At the sight of his bone,                                   
Whose lengthy proportions were mythic.                      
                                                            
25841 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



But the girls all exclaimed it in chorus:                   
He's hung like a brontosaurus!                              
He'll rupture your gizzard                                  
With that thunder lizard!                                   
It's just too damn fucking big for us!                      
                                                            
25842 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



Oh Ogg, we're afraid you might kill us                      
With the size of your homo habilis.                         
Its been dragged in the dirt                                
Where the dinosaurs squirt,                                 
And we do not yet have penicillus.                          
                                                            
25843 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



So it seems that our Ogg has a plan                         
To see if a large fire can                                  
Illuminate nightly,                                         
Martys cave brightly.                                       
He's evolving into Peking Man                               
                                                            
25844 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



He was desperate for a solution                             
To avert his poor tribes diminution.                        
When a big kaylipithecus                                    
Quiffened his stifficus,                                    
And ensured Tiddy Oggs evolution.                           
                                                            
25845 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



What people are most stupid, here                           
On this planet, Mother Earth so dear.                       
I say it's Eskimos                                          
With deep-frozen toes,                                      
And the reason for this should be clear.                    
                                                            
25846 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



'Cause thousands of years ago,                              
These people decided to go                                  
Across the Bering Street,                                   
To a new world to breed,                                    
Arriving in cold Alaska (Oh No!).                           
                                                            
25847 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



Now, the smart ones real quickly got                        
The idea that the north was a lot                           
Too cold, day and night.                                    
So they soon turned right                                   
And came to the south where it's hot.                       
                                                            
25848 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



But what did the rest of them do?                           
Did they all search for the heat too?                       
No, the morons spread                                       
In this land of the dead;                                   
They must have had brains made of poo.                      
                                                            
25849 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



There's nothing like Eskimo tail,                           
Hale and hardy  and not a bit frail.                        
All warm and squishy                                        
And not the least fishy,                                    
Though it does smell a bit like a whale.                    
                                                            
25850 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES                              



I'm a member of an old family.                              
So ancient that our family tree                             
Fell into a hole                                            
And turned into coal,                                       
Back in something or other B.C.                             
                                                            
25851 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Tony Burrell             



My family is quite old as well.                             
I thought that I probably should tell                       
Your family I'm sorry,                                      
But was a bit chary,                                        
'Cause mine dug the hole where yours fell.                  
                                                            
25852 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



I hear they have recently dug                               
Up two cave people, Ugga and Ugg,                           
Who were trapped in the ice                                 
While indulging in vice;                                    
It's no wonder they're looking so smug.                     
                                                            
25853 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



Now Ugga and Ugg in vice blushed,                           
When exploreers into their cave rushed,                     
With axes and picks,                                        
Getting their kicks.                                        
For Ugga and Ugg it's ice crushed.                          
                                                            
25854 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Travis Brasell           



That Ugg lad was certainly bold.                            
When thawed, the exploreers he told,                        
"I shouldn't have scorned                                   
My mates when they warned                                   
Me about that Ugga, she's COLD."                            
                                                            
25855 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Frank Fazed              



Said a genealogical twit,                                   
"It appears I must finally quit,                            
I've traced all my lineage                                  
Through thick and through thineage                          
To the first protozoa that split."                          
                                                            
25856 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Robert H. Maximoff  P9102



"Its background, in turn, was quite stark;                  
Its ancestors met on a lark.                                
I note with alarm                                           
That one was pure charm,                                    
While one, by queer quirk, was a quark."                    
                                                            
25857 EVOLUTION - HUMAN - SERIES     Robert M. Maximoff  P9102



I once met this little green man                            
On a flight from the States to Japan.                       
"Prane make sick. Prease excuse.                            
Me, I read Dr. Seuss,                                       
And I not much rike green eggs and ham."                    
                                                            
25858 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Pandora                  



If the stuff in your stomach's askew,                       
And you think you are going to spew,                        
Buck up and don't mind,                                     
Or you just might find                                      
That everyone barfs just like you.                          
                                                            
25859 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



At our party, a co-ed, named Grace                          
Got so drunk, like man, just shit-face!                     
She suddenly barfed,                                        
All the pizza she'd scarfed;                                
All the guys gave her plenty of space!                      
                                                            
25860 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



There once was a man with the flu,                          
Who didn't know what he should do.                          
He'd sniff and he'd blow                                    
Big chunks from his nose,                                   
And constantly barfed in the loo.                           
                                                            
25861 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Jim Weaver Collection    



Though if you have got the dry heaves,                      
From drinking the juice of the sheaves,                     
Then maybe it's best.                                       
(The butler wont rest)                                      
Be daring and simply ask Jeeves!                            
                                                            
25862 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



I had chicken dinner in Price;                              
I guess I ate way too much rice.                            
My tummy's so sad --                                        
Was my chicken bad?                                         
Not too bad -- I only barfed twice!                         
                                                            
25863 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Marlene Lewis            



The U.W. campus abounds                                     
With beer drinking and raucous sounds.                      
I wish that they might                                      
Be quiet at night,                                          
While barfing all over the grounds.                         
                                                            
25864 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Ron O               P9103



Asked old Gus, "Do you have room in this hack               
For twelve beers, plus a big pizza snack?"                  
Driver said "Yes, I guess,"                                 
Then old Gus made a mess,                                   
When he threw up all over the back!                         
                                                            
25865 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Michelle                 



As Mr. Smith bit into the fritter,                          
He noticed a remnant of critter;                            
Feeling a big urge                                          
His belly to purge,                                         
He hung his head atop the shitter.                          
                                                            
25866 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Toolman                  



Bazooka Barf is, I agree,                                   
An expression as fine as can be.                            
I'll think of it next                                       
When diaphragm's flexed                                     
In spasms from too much TV.                                 
                                                            
25867 EXCRETIONS - BARF              H Whelchel               



An impolite lady named Welch                                
Remarked of an earth-shaking belch:                         
"Well, I knew all along                                     
'Twas a poop headed wrong,                                  
But either is damned hard to squelch."                      
                                                            
25868 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Grand Prix Lim  856 G1479



Wept Nell to the sarge, "I'm no pickup.                     
I've been stranded out here by a stickup."                  
As they bounced down the trail                              
In his jeep, she turned pale,                               
And moaned, "Sir, shall I crap, come, or hiccup?"           
                                                            
25869 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  G0894



There was a young lady named Gail                           
Who dined upon lobster and quail,                           
And then lots of bubbly,                                    
The cause of her trouble - She                              
Brought back her lunch in a pail.                           
                                                            
25870 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Arthur Deex         P8209



A pencil-thin model, Athenia,                               
Who suffered from severe anemia,                            
Was forced to confess                                       
Her size 4 slacks and dress                                 
She owed to the art of bulimia.                             
                                                            
25871 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Evelyn Bogen        P9506



There was a young lady, aged ten,                           
Already a master of zen.                                    
A meal she would scarf                                      
And then she would barf                                     
In order to eat it again.                                   
                                                            
25872 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Neal Wilgus         P8209



There once was a fellow called Gus,                         
Whose burp caused a hell of a fuss.                         
The spices he ate,                                          
Let gas dissipate                                           
As it rose up the esophagus.                                
                                                            
25873 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Edwin J Weinstein        



I'm vomiting, puking away;                                  
Disgusting, what else I can say?                            
I'm trying to hunch                                         
And keep down my lunch,                                     
'Cause my stomach's completely astray.                      
                                                            
25874 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Jim Weaver Collection    



Mountain roads left him somewhat aghast;                    
Poor Eddie was getting sick fast.                           
He threw up in his cap,                                     
And a bit in his lap,                                       
Making scouting a thing of the past.                        
                                                            
25875 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Sal R                    



There was a young fellow called Cheek,                      
Who bladder was known to be weak.                           
After too many Stellas,                                     
He sprayed all us fellas                                    
With the cheese that he got from the Greek.                 
                                                            
25876 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Steve Taylor             



There was a young lady of Rye,                              
Who said, with a wink in her eye:                           
"When a tunnel they bore                                    
From France to this shore,                                  
Goodbye, little basin, goodbye."                            
                                                            
25877 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8209



A professor both prim and pedantic                          
Had behaved in a manner most frantic.                       
He leaned on the rail                                       
In the teeth of a gale,                                     
And contributed to the Atlantic.                            
                                                            
25878 EXCRETIONS - BARF              John J Holden      P8209 



A store keeper down in La Grange                            
Has habits some people find strange.                        
You'll pay him five dollars,                                
Which he promptly swallers.                                 
He'll presently cough up your change.                       
                                                            
25879 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Don Boen            P8301



That Republican lad from Sinn Fein,                         
Was trying to gain drinker's fame.                          
Six pints he would guzzle,                                  
Wipe froth from his muzzle,                                 
Then throw up, to do it again.                              
                                                            
25880 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



I don't have a problem with drink,                          
At least, not the kind you might think;                     
When I start to feel woozy                                  
Or act like a floozy,                                       
I simply throw up in the sink.                              
                                                            
25881 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Robin K. Willoughby P8403



There was a young man from Dubuque,                         
Whose liver was the cause of rebuke.                        
Said the doc to him, "Son,                                  
I know it's not fun,                                        
But that's why each morning you puke."                      
                                                            
25882 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Edwin J Weinstein        



Considering her career, athletic,                           
Her extra pounds were pathetic.                             
To shed all this weight,                                    
Everything that she ate                                     
Was either diuretic or emetic.                              
                                                            
25883 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Norm                     



In musical matters aesthetic,                               
Today's raucous noise quite frenetic,                       
So much scorn deserves,                                     
It withers my nerves                                        
And leaves me with feelings EMETIC.                         
                                                            
25884 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Chris Papa               



I can't use this new word "EMETIC", it                      
Violates my rules of etiquette,                             
For thinking of vomiting                                    
Keeps me from commenting.                                   
Maybe my stomach's too delicate.                            
                                                            
25885 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Gary Hallock             



The fusion of cultures SYNCRETIC                            
May appear in ways dietetic.                                
And then those who do                                       
Partake of Voodoo                                           
Are surprised by effects emetic.                            
                                                            
25886 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Daniel Ford              



An unlucky playboy named Steve                              
Had only one trick up his sleeve.                           
Girls were sweet-talked and fed                             
In his rotating bed...                                      
And that's when they gave him the heave.                    
                                                            
25887 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Arthur Deex         P8209



A serials clerk from Dubuque                                
Was usally cool as a cuke,                                  
But unanswered claims                                       
Stoked up her flames                                        
Till she cried, "I am going to puke!"                       
                                                            
25888 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8209



The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea                        
In a beautiful pea-green boat.                              
But puss was no sailor,                                     
He came back paler,                                         
Sporting a GREEN fur coat.                                  
                                                            
25889 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Funfax Limericks         



Though hopes for peace in Ireland fade,                     
A joint public announcement is made.                        
"When you're out walking,                                   
Beware of green hawking                                     
That follows the St. Pat's parade.                          
                                                            
25890 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Tom Patton          P9601



On one point, an agreement was seen:                        
Both allowed that the barf was obscene.                     
But detente was soon dead                                   
When the IRA said,                                          
"We can't censure the wearing o'green."                     
                                                            
25891 EXCRETIONS - BARF              William N. Nesbit   P9601



There once was a drunkard named Zack                        
Who puked all his guts in a sack.                           
As he needed them soon,                                     
With a long-handled spoon                                   
He managed to get them all back.                            
                                                            
25892 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  G2070



In a new Dago restaurant with Tanya,                        
I gorged like a hungry piranha.                             
But I caught Salmonella                                     
From some bad Mozzarella,                                   
And later said "Hasta lasagna."                             
                                                            
25893 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Hugh Clary               



A sailor who seemed debonair                                
Performed all his tasks with a flair.                       
You must understand:                                        
This worked well on land --                                 
At sea, he threw up -- MAL DE MER.                          
                                                            
25894 EXCRETIONS - BARF              R. J. Winkler       P8406



There was a young woman named Gail,                         
Who fancied she'd go for a sail.                            
Well, she boarded the yacht,                                
But she stayed in her cot,                                  
'Cept when she hung over the rail.                          
                                                            
25895 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



While sailing across the Pacific,                           
The troops thought the trip was terrific.                   
But when hurricane waves                                    
Made them wish for their graves,                            
The upchucked -- to make it specific.                       
                                                            
25896 EXCRETIONS - BARF              R. J. Winkler       P8406



The goo dropped down in the canoe                           
Then crawled off to hide in his shoe.                       
So, now he has booties                                      
Clear up his patooties.                                     
He should take more care with his spew.                     
                                                            
25897 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



A Domino's owner named Hughes,                              
Was known for unorthodox views.                             
SPAM topping, he guessed,                                   
Would be one of the best,                                   
Till a customer barfed on his shoes.                        
(Domino's - a pizza franchise)                              
25898 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Bob Roberds              



A juggler there was of St. Neats,                           
Who threw eggs up as one of his feats,                      
But do what he can,                                         
He can't beat the man                                       
Who throws up whatever he eats.                             
                                                            
25899 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8207



There was a young man of Verona,                            
Who smoked a Cortona Corona,                                
Till he turned very green                                   
And be heaved, well I mean                                  
Like the whale that had dined upon Jonah.                   
                                                            
25900 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8209



While hugging the porcelain throne,                         
And startled by smell of cologne,                           
I opened my eye                                             
And saw, floating high,                                     
A tampon, blonde hair, and a bone.                          
                                                            
25901 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



Called a boatman at Charing Cross Pier,                     
"If you'll just hop aboard, I can steer                     
Thrice and back to the Tower                                
In less than an hour,                                       
Though it's certain to make you feel queer."                
                                                            
25902 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8209



There was a young man of Siam,                              
Who was violently sick in a tram.                           
His neighbors objected                                      
To what he ejected,                                         
And a man in the corner said, "Damn!"                       
                                                            
25903 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8209



There was a young girl from Mobile,                         
Who went up in a great Ferris Wheel.                        
When halfway around,                                        
She looked down at the ground;                              
And it cost her a two-dollar meal.                          
                                                            
25904 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Ethel Watts Mumford P8311



There was a young fellow on Bimini                          
Who chartered a yacht for three women he                    
Intended to trick.                                          
But the swells made him sick.                               
An ambitious young cad but no seaman he.                    
                                                            
25905 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8209



A honeymoon bride named of Brown                            
Complained on board ship with a frown:                      
"I'm feeling real queasy,                                   
So dear, take it easy --                                    
No sex till the ocean calms down."                          
                                                            
25906 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Armand E Singer       313



A man who liked minuscule spaces,                           
Diminutive, small, little places,                           
Has been seen to vomit                                      
Through one tiny grommet                                    
Without leaving nauseous traces.                            
                                                            
25907 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



The other day, sick to my soul,                             
Spent an hour with head down the bowl.                      
But all I spewed up,                                        
Would fill a tea cup,                                       
And looked like liquidified coal.                           
                                                            
25908 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



A commodore crossing the ocean                              
Detested the undulant motion;                               
Afraid he'd be sacked,                                      
He put on an act,                                           
Forstalling the heaves and demotion.                        
                                                            
25909 EXCRETIONS - BARF              R. J. Winkler       P8406



If you get drunk and make yourself hurl,                    
And then try to hit on a girl,                              
Don't ask her to dance;                                     
You'll get kneed in the pants.                              
It's grisly, you puke-covered churl!                        
                                                            
25910 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Eric Seaberg             



It happened while travelling by train;                      
Their stomachs began raising cain.                          
Ed and Sally, so far                                        
From the rest-room car,                                     
Puked a bucket and left a big stain.                        
                                                            
25911 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Sal R                    



There was a young lady of Twickenham,                       
Whose shoes were too tight to walk quick in 'em.            
She came back from a walk                                   
Looking whiter than chalk,                                  
And took them both off and was sick in 'em.                 
                                                            
25912 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Oliver Herford           



I was needing to take a cab ride,                           
And before long, a yellow I spied.                          
I said "Have you room here,                                 
For some pizza and beer?"                                   
He said "Sure!" - so I threw up inside.                     
                                                            
25913 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Jim Weaver Collection    



A dinner of tender roast duck                               
Made Bonnie Prince Charlie say, "Yuck!"                     
The sight of the fowl                                       
Would cause him to scowl                                    
And the taste was enough to up Chuck.                       
                                                            
25914 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Neal Wilgus         P8209



A stalwart young fellow was Hearst,                         
But the sickness he had was the worst.                      
After fucking old Clausia,                                  
He developed a nausea                                       
And did not know which end to set first.                    
                                                            
25915 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Albin Chaplin   3024-0191



Once out on the lake at Dubuque,                            
A girl took a sail with a Duke.                             
He remarked, "I am sure                                     
You are honest and pure."                                   
And then leaned far over to puke.                           
                                                            
25916 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



A down-in-the-mouth butler named Jeeves                     
Has developed some little pet peeves.                       
His bulimic boss,                                           
A fat broad on the sauce,                                   
Says to save the big chunks when she heaves.                
                                                            
25917 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Don Moore           P9912



A swinging young pair, Liz and Luke,                        
Wanting sex truly fit for a duke,                           
Bought a water-filled bed                                   
But were sadly misled:                                      
They confess they don't climax -- they puke.                
                                                            
25918 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Armand E Singer       647



In the record store, 'round two o'clock,                    
Gwen felt ill; like, her face turned to chalk;              
To the clerk (innards thumping):                            
"I'm  looking for something                                 
By... Johahn... Sebastian......BAAAAACH!                    
                                                            
25919 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



A sweet thing who sailed from Land's End                    
Swore she'd hold out to the end.                            
But the swell of the ocean                                  
Was filled with the motion --                               
She did what she didn't intend.                             
                                                            
25920 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                  P8209



Zippity, bippity, bup,                                      
The cute little mouse ran up,                               
The long slender leg,                                       
Of the young lady Peg,                                      
And scared her so that she threw-up.                        
                                                            
25921 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



A rapist ran into a snag                                    
When he entered the home of the hag.                        
She had a nice frame                                        
But her face was a shame,                                   
And her breath made him shudder and gag.                    
                                                            
25922 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Neal Wilgus         P8209



How her vomiting spoiled their euphoria                     
As they rode the bus home from Peoria!                      
And that's the true story                                   
Of how little Glory                                         
Became known as "Sic transit Gloria."                       
                                                            
25923 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Vassar W. Smith     P9305



A happy young girl from Peoria                              
Won passage to Rome. What euphoria!                         
But the flight changed her luck;                            
All she did was upchuck.                                    
Pale faced she moaned, "Sic Transit Gloria."                
                                                            
25924 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Ellen Alaka         P9506



In Gloria's school bus last Monday                          
She threw up -- it wasn't a fun day.                        
Now the seat that she sat in                                
In labeled in Latin                                         
As: "Sic Transit Gloria Mundi."                             
                                                            
25925 EXCRETIONS - BARF              John E Mayhood      P9804



A nervous young lady called Jane                            
Was terribly sick in the train.                             
Folk made such a fuss,                                      
She got on the bus,                                         
And threw up all over again.                                
                                                            
25926 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Funfax Limericks         



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Who ate all his SPAM from a bucket.                         
His tummy was round,                                        
And his neck it was bound,                                  
Till the pressure built up and he chucked it.               
                                                            
25927 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Kevin Kepley             



Irish, of wit, you're the soul.                             
And as I hang on to the bowl,                               
I'm hawin' and hemmin',                                     
And upchucking lemon,                                       
Still laughing at stories you tole.                         
                                                            
25928 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



A film star who hailed from Cronulla,  (Sidney suburb)      
Got on board a plane bound for 'Tulla. (Tullamarine airport)
It was drinks all around,                                   
'Til the plane left the ground,                             
Then he starred in a yawn, technicolor.(techn..yawn - vomit)
                                                            
25929 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



Tossed up beer mixed with pizza's a maw-full;               
Just to leave slop and lumps is unlawful;                   
As the ladies pass by,                                      
I can hear an outcry:                                       
"Oh my word, look at that; it is offal!"                    
                                                            
25930 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Allen Wolverton          



I once knew a fellow named Duke,                            
Who could hurl great wodges of puke.                        
Reams of green vomit                                        
Would shoot like a comet,                                   
And the sound was akin to a nuke.                           
                                                            
25931 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Mr. Malo                 



There once was a man named Paul                             
Who drank too much ethanol.                                 
When it turned aldehyde                                     
He became sick inside,                                      
And it came out all over the wall.                          
                                                            
25932 EXCRETIONS - BARF                                       



There once was a person called Luke,                        
Whose ability to drink was no fluke.                        
He spent each night in a bar                                
Downing jar after jar,                                      
And afterwards did nothing but puke.                        
                                                            
25933 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Anon                     



A contrabassoonist named Milton                             
Once dined rather well at the Hilton.                       
He forked out twelve smackers,                              
Then threw up cream crackers                                
And Stilton all over the Wilton.                            
(Wilton - expensive carpeting)                              
25934 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Ron Rubin                



My teachers are driving me nuts!                            
Making us all kiss butts --                                 
They dress so tacky                                         
And it drives us all wacky,                                 
That we all want to hurl up our guts.                       
                                                            
25935 EXCRETIONS - BARF              New Jersey Poet          



An elf swallowed Irish confetti,                            
But thought that his problem was petty;                     
While counting his gold,                                    
Why, lo and behold!                                         
He belched up a whale's spermaceti!                         
                                                            
25936 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Travis Brasell           



When the T.V. news anchor, Fred Buck,                       
Didn't wish with "Dead Air" to be stuck,                    
Such time gaps he'd pass on                                 
To his weatherman, Vaughn,                                  
"As to weather, tell us what's up, Chuck."                  
                                                            
25937 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



I deal with pitch and handle roll,                          
Though both these moves do take their toll.                 
When it comes to YAW                                        
I just set my jaw,                                          
And head down below for the bowl.                           
                                                            
25938 EXCRETIONS - BARF              Norm                     



A lady of unfortunate proboscity                            
Was equipped with a nasal monstrosity.                      
But due to the snot,                                        
It was better than twat;                                    
I suppose 'twas the increased viscosity.                    
                                                            
25939 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



On a park bench a gentleman sat,                            
And beside him was a poor homeless rat;                     
Who was fondling this lump;                                 
And he'd now and then grump:                                
"I'll be damned, I just don't figger that!"                 
                                                            
25940 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



"Lookee here, sir, this looks like a rock,                  
But by feel, it's some rubbery stock";                      
The gent picked up that lump;                               
Sniffed & looked, like a chump;                             
Couldn't quite reach a verdict, ad-hoc.                     
                                                            
25941 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



Said the gent, "Guess it is, heaven knows,                  
Not a rock, but it feels, I suppose,                        
Like rubber, by gum!                                        
From where did it come?"                                    
He replied, "Dug it out of my nose!"                        
                                                            
25942 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



I once knew a pair of old fogies                            
Who collected celebrities' bogies                           
They had one of Bob Hope's                                  
And two of the Pope's,                                      
And a green one of Kylie Minoguies!                         
(who is he? - McW)                                          
25943 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Tilbury                  



There was a young fellow named Mose,                        
An expert at picking his nose.                              
He extracted a clinker                                      
That was really a stinker,                                  
For it dangled right down to his toes.                      
                                                            
25944 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Albin Chaplin 3024  G1429



There once was a man from Minot,                            
Who was nasty -- even as a tot.                             
He'd wipe his runny nose                                    
On the sleeves of his clothes,                              
And cover them over with snot.                              
                                                            
25945 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



Among the universal NO's --                                 
It's impolite to pick your nose.                            
If thus you're espied,                                      
Your finger hide inside                                     
Until that someone elsewhere goes.                          
(Ingredients do not expose.)                                
25946 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Irving Superior     P9001



I once blew a bogey so thick, son,                          
And hard; 'twas as stiff as my prick, son.                  
I fashioned a hook                                          
And found a bare nook,                                      
And hung me a portrait of Nixon.                            
                                                            
25947 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



There was a young fellow named Lucas,                       
Who spent his life chewing on mucus.                        
"For green is the right thing                               
And this is recycling.                                      
Next week I'll start chewing verrucas."                     
                                                            
25948 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Tiddy                    



In igloo land's where I met Rose;                           
We greeted with rubs of our nose.                           
A cold she had got;                                         
We're welded by snot;                                       
By summer we may be unfroze.                                
                                                            
25949 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Tiddy Ogg                



From the nose of a girl named Lamott                        
Hangs a substance that looks quite a lot                    
Like a large pearly jewel                                   
But by looking twice you'll                                 
Find from closer inspection it's not.                       
                                                            
25950 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Bob Giandomenico    P9003



Hope I won't be accused of depravity                        
If I say the nutritional gravity                            
Of the booger dragged out                                   
From the end of your snout,                                 
Depends on the depth of the cavity.                         
                                                            
25951 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Tiddy                    



Social guides are quite vague; no one knows,                
When, in public, you're picking your nose;                  
It's free style when you pick;                              
All that counts is, (when slick)                            
Where the booger gets parked, I suppose!                    
                                                            
25952 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



Said Willie, "I've got a humdinger                          
Of a question to throw in the ringer:                       
If you say it is sick                                       
My nostril to pick,                                         
Then why is it the size of my finger?"                      
                                                            
25953 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Hugh Clary               



There was a nosepicker undaunted                            
By threats of his parents who taunted.                      
They proposed it be cured                                   
And a gift they procured,                                   
But he said it was snot what he wanted.                     
                                                            
25954 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2825



A neighborhood boy, young Mickey,                           
Had boogers incredibly sticky.                              
His nose it was mined                                       
For glue so refined,                                        
We scarcely considered it icky.                             
                                                            
25955 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



'Tis true that our boogers comprise                         
A snack that is healthful and wise.                         
For toxin defense,                                          
Our nostrils condense                                       
Ingestible serum supplies.                                  
                                                            
25956 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



Our children, it's said, may avert                          
Diseases by eating some dirt.                               
That's why there's a place                                  
Convenient, on face,                                        
And not on the sleeve of your shirt.                        
                                                            
25957 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



Immune response never will wilt                             
In chewers of atmosphere silt.                              
More antigens grow.                                         
So pick, do not blow,                                       
And fuck all the stigma and guilt.                          
                                                            
25958 EXCRETIONS - BOOGERS                                    



There was a crude wench named Anita,                        
Who claimed there was no way to beat a                      
Good dinner at Jakes:                                       
Fine wines and great steaks,                                
Next followed by gobs of excreta.                           
                                                            
25959 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Armand E Singer       607



A scrawny and wizened old Tom                               
Would shit like a prince - with aplomb.                     
But give him strong drink,                                  
And soon you would think                                    
His box had been hit by a bomb.                             
                                                            
25960 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                      



In this outhouse, my task is most vexin';                   
Here I sit, asshole muscles a-flexin'.                      
It's a tought turd to pass,                                 
I am (man! this is crass)                                   
Giving birth to one more goddamn Texan.                     
                                                            
25961 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Allen Wolverton          



A mathematician named Hurd                                  
Did prove, if you shit a square turd,                       
That the pain and the strain                                
Will effuse through the brain,                              
And your vision is apt to be blurred.                       
                                                            
25962 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Albin Chaplin   3024-1209



The office brown-noser named Bunky                          
Would claim he was nobody's flunky.                         
But when the chips were all down,                           
His proboscis was brown,                                    
And there hung many strands which were gunky.               
                                                            
25963 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Albin Chaplin 3024  G1360



A miner from Scranton, PA,                                  
Swallowed anthracite dust every day.                        
When burdened with debts,                                   
He shits coal-dust briquets,                                
Which he peddles to eke out his pay.                        
                                                            
25964 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 G1434



Such a pity about it,                                       
Their mighty efforts to shit.                               
Instead of sated                                            
They're constipated,                                        
And can do nothing but sit.                                 
                                                            
25965 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Jim Weaver Collection    



In German, the word, fartfergnugen,                         
Means smelling the gas that you're fugueing                 
In the bathtub, you know.                                   
And if trying to go                                         
But you can't, then they say, farfrompoopin.                
                                                            
25966 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                      



If you own a home on the range,                             
The out-house may tend to derange.                          
When dark and un-hep,                                       
To where the next step,                                     
The cow turds you'll soon rearrange.                        
                                                            
25967 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Irving Superior     P9901



The workers in Kimberley mines                              
Hid diamonds way up their behinds.                          
So out they won't come,                                     
They'd IMODIUM,                                             
Or something that's equal and binds.                        
                                                            
25968 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Irving Superior          



The bosses of Kimberley mines,                              
For diamonds up workers' behinds                            
Used Exlax, of course;                                      
Irresistible force,                                         
Unmoving IMODIUM finds.                                     
                                                            
25969 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Irving Superior          



An Indian fakir named Udu                                   
Was deep into magic and voodoo.                             
But his smelly brown charm,                                 
Meant to ward off all harm,                                 
Turned out to be vile canine doo-doo.                       
                                                            
25970 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Armand E Singer     P9901



I pondered this issue of words,                             
Like what would you call all those turds.                   
What words really fit,                                      
If denied the word "Shit?"                                  
Maybe "Doo Doo," but that's for the birds.                  
                                                            
25971 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Bob Birch           P9912



Perverted? I don't understant it;                           
Most people I rob now demand it.                            
With crowbar and rope,                                      
A funnel and soap,                                          
I've become "The Enema Bandit".                             
                                                            
25972 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Frank                    



Some hope that I'll indulge my passion                      
For crime, tied and flushed dog-fashion.                    
They will not close                                         
Their bedroom windows,                                      
So lately I have had to ration.                             
                                                            
25973 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Frank                    



While fording the bowels of young Dot,                      
The bandit sluiced more than he ought.                      
Her explosive purgation                                     
Caused mass irrigation                                      
Of the town, so he fled on a yacht.                         
                                                            
25974 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Tutta Gioia              



Two diggers of fossils stood rapt                           
As wondrous new relics they mapped.                         
Said one, "'Pon my word,                                    
It's a fossilized turd                                      
Where some creep in the crypt, crept and crapped."          
                                                            
25975 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Albin Chaplin   3024-2251



The other man said as he stooped,                           
"I think that we both have been duped.                      
No creep ever slipped                                       
And crapped in the crypt,                                   
But a pup in the pit, popped and pooped!"                   
                                                            
25976 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Albin Chaplin   3024-2252



There was a young man of Newcastle,                         
Who tied up a shit in a parcel,                             
And sent it to Spain                                        
With a note to explain,                                     
That it came from his grandmother's arsell.                 
                                                            
25977 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Norman Douglas           



My child said, "What's fecal matter?"                       
"It's poopy, and piss from your bladder,                    
And the stuff between toes,                                 
And the crap in your nose,                                  
And pus, sweat, earwax, and fart splatter."                 
                                                            
25978 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Cruelty Jones            



I live in a house that's got                                
Some things that don't work so hot.                         
I flush the loo                                             
To get rid of my poo,                                       
But it keeps floating back to the top.                      
                                                            
25979 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Gearhart                 



It floats because of the air;                               
Solid poo doesn't float there.                              
Eat burgers and fries                                       
And mincemeat pies.                                         
Keep us informed 'cause we care.                            
                                                            
25980 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Saint                    



I went to my doctor to see                                  
If there's too much air in my poopee.                       
"Your problem is one                                        
That's easily solved, son --                                
More iron is what you now need."                            
                                                            
25981 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Gearhart                 



I went to the local health store                            
To seek out the wisdom of Thor;                             
He is in sales                                              
Of supplement-ales,                                         
And iron they have there galore.                            
                                                            
25982 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Gearhart                 



So I took them for nearly a week;                           
I notice results when I peek.                               
The turds quickly sink                                      
And they surely do stink.                                   
Now I flush and they stay in the creek.                     
                                                            
25983 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Gearhart                 



A nancy-boy of Newcastle                                    
Once wrapped up a turd in a parcel.                         
'Twas not to offend                                         
But to send to a friend,                                    
To show him the size of his arsehole.                       
                                                            
25984 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 G1431



There once was a man from Peru,                             
After searching all day for a loo,                          
His poop was so hard,                                       
Measured at least a yard,                                   
Before he was finally through.                              
                                                            
25985 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Arden                    



There was a young lady of Newcastle,                        
Who wrapped up a turd in a parcel,                          
And sent it to a relation                                   
With this invitation:                                       
"It has just come out hot from my arsehole."                
                                                            
25986 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 L0725



I parked in a field one fine day-o,                         
With Jane; soon I had it away-o.                            
The muck spreader's splashin'                               
Soon ended our passion,                                     
How much for a pungent Mondeo? (not in my unabridged - McW) 
                                                            
25987 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                      



There's a pretty young girl named Suzanne                   
Who spent most of her time in the can.                      
When she was asked why,                                     
She said with a cry,                                        
"'Cause my breakfast consists of All Bran.                  
                                                            
25988 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Thomas M. Patton    P9704



There was an old fellow from Roop                           
Who'd lost all control of his poop.                         
One evening at supper                                       
His wife said, "Now Tupper,                                 
Stop making that noise with your soup!"                     
                                                            
25989 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 L0735



There was an old man from Cape Verde                        
Who had trouble excreting a turd,                           
Until he could say                                          
In perfect Francais,                                        
Mon Dieu, it's only my merde.                               
                                                            
25990 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Harry Rubin         P9211



'Fore elections, the promises are hurled,                   
And it's BS that's mostly unfurled.                         
If spread on the fields                                     
To further the yields,                                      
There would be enough food for the world.                   
(BS - bull shit)                                            
25991 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Clarence E. Boyle        



A brilliant young lady named Lotty                          
Was suddenly acting quite dotty.                            
Experts said there's no doubt                               
What it was all about,                                      
Was too early training at potty.                            
                                                            
25992 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Evelyn Bogen        P9404



If used as a purge, it'll please ya,                        
If constipation should seize ya.                            
It's from the Pacific                                       
And it is terrific;                                         
It's called Milk of Micronesia.                             
                                                            
25993 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Al Willis           P9702



There was a young jaygee named Pitt                         
Whose anus refused to emit.                                 
This terrible curse                                         
Put his bowels in reverse,                                  
And filled up his jowls with shit.                          
                                                            
25994 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 G1508



There was a young man from El Paso                          
Whose penis was shaped like a lasso.                        
He presented this phallus                                   
To a lady from Dallas,                                      
And roped a turd out of her asshole.                        
                                                            
25995 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 G0964



Too bad you're not like my wife,                            
Who is given to ruining my life.                            
She wants me to think                                       
That her shit doesn't stink;                                
May as well cut my throat with a knife.                     
                                                            
25996 EXCRETIONS - FECES             F Ormatsee               



The dung of a fellow named Frink,                           
Unlike dung we void, doesn't stink.                         
If he'd only shit faster,                                   
He could sell it for plaster,                               
So he really should try, don't you think?                   
                                                            
25997 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 G1389



I grunt and groan like a fighter;                           
My abdominal muscles grow tighter.                          
I was going to diet;                                        
I won't have to try it,                                     
As now I am three kilos lighter.                            
                                                            
25998 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Swings             TP9806



A Freudian theorist named Trulymore                         
Said your speech shows dimensions of body-core.             
He could tell by your words,                                
If the size of your turds                                   
Were broom-straw, pickle, or two-by-four.                   
                                                            
25999 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Elaine Griffith          



"Don't do that!" the husband repeated,                      
When he found that his wife had excreted.                   
She stopped and he cheered,                                 
But mostly he feared                                        
The supply of it would be depleted.                         
                                                            
26000 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Dale                     



We all hate that Pratt boy named Jules,                     
Who fucks by the Queensberry rules.                         
His rectum is proper,                                       
His prick is a whopper,                                     
But Oh! When he lets go his stools!                         
                                                            
26001 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 G0989



The scientists thoughtfully brood                           
As famines on earth are renewed.                            
They seek to allay                                          
Food shortage some day,                                     
By conversion of feces to food.                             
                                                            
26002 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Albin Chaplin   3024-2475



He don't know a beer from a cola.                           
He can't tell a Lyle from a Lola.                           
I doubt if you'll choose                                    
To look at his shoes,                                       
'Cause he don't know shit from Shinola.                     
                                                            
26003 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Al Willis                



A lab tech with acute constipation                          
Found relief through cetrifugation.                         
At one thousand times mass,                                 
Shit flew out his ass,                                      
And he found both relief and elation.                       
                                                            
26004 EXCRETIONS - FECES             VOL 10                   



A good humor man from Manila,                               
Stuck a freezer inside a gorilla,                           
Which, when fed the right food,                             
And benignedly screwed,                                     
Shat chocolate, orange ice, and vanilla.                    
                                                            
26005 EXCRETIONS - FECES                                 G1422



There once was a poet from Cushing,                         
Who got caught in the bathroom blushing.                    
He sang with a jig,                                         
"The turd was so big,                                       
It wouldn't got down with one flushing!"                    
                                                            
26006 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Poet                T9801



There once was a nice young man who                         
Laid an extraordinary long poo.                             
He let out a scream!                                        
Can this be a dream?                                        
This will never flush right down the loo.                   
                                                            
26007 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Anon                     



A gentleman named Mr. Little                                
Had a toilet bowl that was too brittle.                     
If his piss doesn't crack it,                               
Get your money and back it,                                 
'Cause it's a sure bet that his shit'll.                    
                                                            
26008 EXCRETIONS - FECES             Anon                     



A bed-ridden woman named Fran                               
Had a strong urge to get to the can.                        
The nurse said to her, "Dearie,"                            
In a voice that was cheery,                                 
"There's a ban on the can, use the pan."                    
                                                            
26009 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Edwin J Weinstein        



There was an old drover from Durban                         
Who kept camel turds in his turban.                         
The smell from the pile                                     
Was awfully vile --                                         
To passersby mighty disturbin'.                             
                                                            
26010 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Armand E Singer        61



I really don't know what you mean.                          
You think I was being obscene?                              
What?  Fingering her booty?                                 
No!  Doing my duty,                                         
To check if her diaper was clean.                           
                                                            
26011 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Tiddy Ogg                



Now whether you stand or you squat,                         
Here's a piece of advice that I've got:                     
What ever you do,                                           
Number 1, even 2...                                         
You'll go upstairs to empty the pot.                        
                                                            
26012 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Jim Weaver Collection    



Fastidious, a fellow named Roilet:                          
Whenever he sit on the toilet,                              
He catches his poops                                        
In stainless steel scoops                                   
(He claims it's indecent to soil it.)                       
                                                            
26013 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Armand E Singer       663



There once was a man in Peru                                
Who fell through a hole in the loo.                         
He had a great time                                         
In the muck and the slime,                                  
And now runs a spa in the poo.                              
                                                            
26014 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Skumbunny                



There was a young man of Loch Leven,                        
Who went for a walk about seven.                            
He fell into a pit                                          
That was brimful of shit,                                   
And now the poor bugger's in heaven.                        
                                                            
26015 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Norman Douglas      L0712



A plumber, along with his tools,                            
Was lost in some septic tank pools.                         
Although it's a pity                                        
The corpse was so shitty,                                   
You can't say he fell between stools.                       
                                                            
26016 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Norm Storer         P9205



A bitter old hermit named Brewer                            
Remarked as he sat in a sewer,                              
"I hate my own species,                                     
So it's only with feces                                     
That I feel both relaxed and secure."                       
                                                            
26017 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Grand Prix Lim 1000 P8504



While lost in deep thought, Dr. Krantz                      
Emerged from his lab in a trance.                           
To the toilet he went,                                      
But forgot his intent,                                      
And imprudently shit in his pants.                          
                                                            
26018 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Albin Chaplin   3024-1212



There once was a man of Iraq,                               
Who was totally covered in cack.                            
He had shit on his nose,                                    
And shit on his toes,                                       
And shit down the length of his back.                       
                                                            
26019 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Richard Lancashire       



While swimming across the Zambezi,                          
I hit something thick and quite quick and quite greasy.     
A translucent glob,                                         
An island of gob                                            
Of the goo that comes out when you squeeze me.              
                                                            
26020 EXCRETIONS - FECES - COVERED   Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



I'm sure glad my commode is commodious;                     
I've just gone and dumped a huge loadius.                   
Enormously lighter,                                         
I feel a lot brighter,                                      
Though, Jesus!  It whiffs a tad odious.                     
                                                            
26021 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Peter Wilkins            



'Twas the whimsy of a fellow named Crump                    
To package and peddle his dump.                             
But the odor o'er-fetid                                     
Made sales rather tepid,                                    
And his business went into a slump.                         
                                                            
26022 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                          G1373



I would not like to see the caca                            
From a Wookie like Chewbacca.                               
Hairy and plump,                                            
It's a big stinky dump,                                     
That fiercely stinks up the blocka!                         
                                                            
26023 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Chili Burger        T9801



There was a young lady of Ghat,                             
Who never could sit but she shat.                           
Oh, the seat of her drawers                                 
Was a chamber of horrors,                                   
And they felt even fouler than that!                        
                                                            
26024 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                          L0702



That smell?  Yes, you'd better keep clear,                  
And watch where your walking, you hear?                     
You'll go ankle deep                                        
In a yellow-brown heap;                                     
Our rottweiler's got diarrhea.                              
                                                            
26025 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Tiddy Ogg                



Look out!  You have dropped your white hat                  
In the spot where your Doggie just shat;                    
And there cowers Kitty,                                     
Once pretty, now shitty --                                  
Whoops!  Granny has fallen!  Ker-Splat!                     
                                                            
26026 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Brian Belge              



There was an old man in Gazelle                             
Who thought that his poop didn't smell;                     
Folks on the street                                         
Got no nearer 'n ten feet,                                  
But dogs thought he was just swell.                         
                                                            
26027 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                               



Could it really be Superman,                                
Sitting near me in the can?                                 
For he did commit                                           
A most Super Shit;                                          
Will someone please turn on the fan?                        
                                                            
26028 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Coolbreeze               



The dignified Duchess of Howell                             
Examined the turd from her bowel,                           
And announced, rather miffed,                               
That she had never sniffed                                  
An odor so fetid and foul.                                  
                                                            
26029 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Albin Chaplin 3024  G1400



A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham,                           
Once shit in his pants as he knelt in 'em.                  
So he sold them at Ware,                                    
To a gentleman there,                                       
Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em.                  
                                                            
26030 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      D          ANATOMY - FAT 



There was an old person of Delhi,                           
Awoke with a pain in his belly.                             
And to cure it, 'tis said,                                  
He shit in his bed,                                         
And the sheets were uncommonly smelly.                      
(Published 1870)                                            
26031 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                          L0692



FOO-bird poop smells so bad you can't bear it.              
There's no way in the world to compare it.                  
If you're struck by the splosh,                             
You will die if you wash--                                  
If the FOO shits on you, you must wear it.                  
                                                            
26032 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Al Chaplin          P9410



A flatulent flea-bitten bitch                               
Had stools quite the colour of pitch.                       
They'd stink like bejeesus                                  
And startle the fleesus,                                    
Which gave her reprieve from the itch.                      
                                                            
26033 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                               



So Clay has a big, hairy belly,                             
And his floopy tits are like jelly.                         
When he sits on the pot,                                    
Others die on the spot,                                     
'Cause the shit that comes out is so smelly.                
                                                            
26034 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl named McLure;                        
Her perfume, she said, had allure.                          
And so well she expounded,                                  
That all men were confounded,                               
But to flies it smell just like manure.                     
                                                            
26035 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Albin Chaplin            



A Mandalay man was a dupe                                   
When he thought what he bought wasn't poop.                 
When he found what it was                                   
Wouldn't give him a buzz,                                   
He shouted, "I want to recoup!"                             
                                                            
26036 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                               



"I really don't know what to do,"                           
Said the woman who cleans up the loo.                       
"In Number 1 Closet                                         
Someone's left a deposit                                    
Of arrears that was long overdue."                          
                                                            
26037 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                          G1378



Quite obscure, beneath grasses and dew,                     
Lay a mound of gelatinous doo,                              
Till it swallowed a boot                                    
Of the preacher en route                                    
To a wedding that he was to do.                             
                                                            
26038 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      John Sandler        P9112



There was a mad scientist from Karoo                        
Who rolled in a pile of dog poo.                            
Before ere long                                             
He started to pong.                                         
Hold your nose if you visit Karoo.                          
                                                            
26039 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                               



I have an anal problem, to wit:                             
Everything that I eat turns to shit.                        
And the odor's so bad,                                      
(Like a rotting crawdad)                                    
It's giving me a conniption fit.                            
                                                            
26040 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      S C Saint                



There was a young man named Cattel,                         
Who knew psychophysics so well,                             
That each time he'd shit,                                   
He'd stop, measure it--                                     
Its length, and its breadth, and its smell.                 
                                                            
26041 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                          L0682



A senile is Haroun Al Haschid.                              
Incontinent, Haroun can't hash-it.                          
The Sons of the Caliph,                                     
Whenever they Al whiff,                                     
Unhappily, "Haroun Al ha-shit."                             
                                                            
26042 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Irving Superior     P8407



Long turds of most horrible stench                          
Are voided by a person named Dench,                         
Who sneaks out after dark                                   
To Whoremonger Park,                                        
And smears them about on a bench!                           
                                                            
26043 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                          G1464



There once was a man called Sanjay,                         
Who ate too much curry one day.                             
Though he crapped in Bhopal,                                
It was then said by all,                                    
That it stunk all the way to Bombay.                        
                                                            
26044 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL      Anon                     



Lord Sniffnose was brought up to think                      
That the stools of his class did not stink.                 
Nothing changed his beliefs                                 
Till he sullied his briefs,                                 
And rinsed them himself in the sink.                        
                                                            
26045 EXCRETIONS - FECES - FOUL                          G1471



Montezuma's revenge is not sweet,                           
For the things that it does to your seat;                   
Makes your fundamaent sore,                                 
Like your ass has been bored                                
By a dick made of solid concrete!                           
                                                            
26046 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



Moaned a loose-boweled tourist named Jane,                  
"First my gut gets all twisted with pain,                   
Then my dress, I will soil it,                              
If I don't find a toilet,                                   
As I fart rapid bursts of butane."                          
                                                            
26047 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Armand E Singer       194



A bottler for Coke was cajoled                              
To add just a touch of old mold                             
To that noxious puke-brew,                                  
Encouraging poo                                             
To squirt from Poles' holes uncontrolled.                   
                                                            
26048 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



There was an old lady from Wheeling,                        
The skin of whose hind end was peeling.                     
When she sat at the stool,                                  
Her anus would drool,                                       
So she had to defecate kneeling.                            
                                                            
26049 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                         G1482



My eating habits are just a sin;                            
My stomach's like an old garbage bin.                       
He said, "Now I fear                                        
That I've got diarhhea,                                     
But my diaper is holding it in.                             
                                                            
26050 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Tony Burrell             



A boy who loved chocolate cake,                             
One day made an awful mistake.                              
He devoured three packs                                     
Of the stuff called Ex-Lax...                               
Now he's thin as the shaft of a rake!                       
                                                            
26051 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Vassar Smith        P9712



There was an old girl up at Yale                            
Who filtered her shit through a veil.                       
She would have used cotton                                  
But her asshole was rotten,                                 
And she splattered all over the pail.                       
                                                            
26052 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                         G1484



There was a young lad from Scappoose                        
Whose stools were incredibly loose.                         
After many a try,                                           
This frustrated guy                                         
A firm version did finally produce.                         
                                                            
26053 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Edwin J Weinstein        



The runs she did have, what a mess;                         
But he fingered her ass none the less.                      
She let out a huge "Yike",                                  
He pulled his finger from the dyke,                         
'Twas not water that vented I'd guess!                      
                                                            
26054 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Jim Weaver Collection    



A shiftless old coot of Cayuse                              
Had bowels abominably loose.                                
His quick defecation                                        
Was a sickening sensation--                                 
He was nine times as loose as a goose.                      
                                                            
26055 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Grand Prix Lim  390 g1368



A loose-boweled tourist named Trapper                       
Feels not, much less looks, at all dapper.                  
He fouls first his drawers,                                 
Next pants, then three floors,                              
In losing his race for the crapper.                         
                                                            
26056 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Armand E Singer       161



An unlucky cruise tourist named Wills                       
Took too many magnesium pills;                              
He wound up with the trots,                                 
His gut tied in tight knots,                                
And the subject of Kodachrome stills.                       
                                                            
26057 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Armand Singer       P0007



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet,                            
Nor is it very discreet.                                    
No matter what you try,                                     
You kiss your ass good bye,                                 
As well as your balls, dick and feet!                       
                                                            
26058 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet;                            
On the bus, it isn't so neat.                               
Riding between towns,                                       
With my head hanging down;                                  
The shit spewed all over my feet!                           
                                                            
26059 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Whacked            TP9901



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet;                            
You mount the throne and take a seat.                       
You give a big push                                         
And out of your tush                                        
Comes a liquified Mexican treat.                            
                                                            
26060 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet;                            
It can leave a gross stain on your sheet,                   
Or on your shorts, or the stairs,                           
And hang off your ass hairs,                                
Not to mention bad pain in your seat.                       
                                                            
26061 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Jim Weaver Collection    



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet,                            
When your sitting on that cold toilet seat.                 
Shitting and straining                                      
And always complaining,                                     
Of the food you did previously eat.                         
                                                            
26062 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     H                        



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet;                            
You've got to be quick on your feet                         
To run to the shitter                                       
Until it's a quitter.                                       
Just make sure that you clean off the seat!                 
                                                            
26063 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Cinful                   



I once spent a weekend in Penge;                            
I had bicycled down from Stonehenge.                        
I drank eight pints of fluid                                
With a friendly old Druid,                                  
Then Montezuma took his revenge.                            
                                                            
26064 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Bill Wall                



There once was a man with diarrhea                          
Who only had one little fear:                               
"If I hadn't a loo,                                         
I wouldn't know what to do                                  
With the mess that I cause with my rear."                   
                                                            
26065 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Jim Weaver Collection    



A friendly young girl from Japan                            
Decided to sit on my hand.                                  
I gave her a goose                                          
But her bowels were loose;                                  
And things didn't work out as I'd planned.                  
                                                            
26066 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Jim Weaver Collection    



They say when all is said and done,                         
Potato chip snacks should be fun.                           
Now Olestra, inventive,                                     
As an added incentive                                       
For folk who want to eat and run.                           
                                                            
26067 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Tom Patton          P9607



There once was a man from Rhodesia                          
Who drank too much milk of magnesia.                        
He suffered such pains                                      
That he shat out his brains,                                
And contracted a case of amnesia.                           
                                                            
26068 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                        G2326a



There once was a girl from Bellflower,                      
Whose stomach would often go sour.                          
If I've got my facts straight,                              
She'd eat Exlax by the crate,                               
And shit every hour on the hour!                            
                                                            
26069 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Laurence Craft           



Sir John was not feeling all right.                         
His case of the trots was a fright!                         
Then a doc gave him salts                                   
That supposedly halts                                       
All the shits that pass in the knight.                      
                                                            
26070 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



There once was a fellow named Potts,                        
Who was prone to having the trots.                          
But his humble abode,                                       
Was without a commode,                                      
So his carpet was covered with spots.                       
                                                            
26071 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



A loose-boweled tourist named Vitas                         
Admitted to anal detritus,                                  
And blushing through miles                                  
To three bleeding piles,                                    
Plus scratching his constant pruritus.                      
                                                            
26072 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Armand E Singer     P9902



On a recent trip to Darjeeling,                             
It was not too well I was feeling.                          
I fear that the curry                                       
Went through in a hurry,                                    
And splattered the walls and the ceiling.                   
                                                            
26073 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



Now look here, the bathroom is peeling!                     
Why didn't you just go to Eeling,                           
And eat Shepherd's Pie?                                     
Would have left you bone-dry,                               
As well as the bathroom ceiling.                            
                                                            
26074 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



The laxative left a bad taste,                              
My stomach was feeling like paste;                          
I rushed to the loo                                         
And left a quick poo;                                       
It's true what they say: "Waste makes haste!"               
                                                            
26075 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE                              



With quick-step to toilet, all bent,                        
To find a quick seat, quite intent,                         
The torturedsoul flew.                                      
He suddenly knew                                            
He'd picked the wrong APERIENT.                             
                                                            
26076 EXCRETIONS - FECES - LOOSE     Chris Papa               



Another matter to muse, anatomical;                         
More educational than comical.                              
Using four-letter words,                                    
You pass tapered turds,                                     
So your ass won't slam shut on your monical.                
                                                            
26077 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    S C Saint                



For his birthday, a chap from Great Britain,                
Was given a rocker to sit in;                               
A knob on his door,                                         
A brass cuspidor,                                           
And a blue chamberpot, just to shit in.                     
                                                            
26078 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                        G1395



I can't hardly believe it's true,                           
That you're already thirty-two!                             
Seems like yesterday,                                       
That I watched you play,                                    
And changed your diapers of poo-poo.                        
                                                            
26079 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                             



But now you are older and grown,                            
With wife, kids, a house and cell phone.                    
Living way out there,                                       
And wear underwear,                                         
And you clean the poo from your own.                        
                                                            
26080 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                             



There was a young man from Split,                           
Who was thrilled at the thought of a shit.                  
He was simply elated,                                       
'Till he grew constipated,                                  
But that took all the pleasure from it.                     
                                                            
26081 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                        L0753



You'll find -- with no ifs, buts, or maybes --              
Old age is as pleasant as scabies.                          
You'll discover, alas,                                      
With your teeth in a glass,                                 
That diapers are not just for babies.                       
                                                            
26082 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Big Sister               



There once was a young man from St Joe                      
Whose bowels moved each morn in a row.                      
He'd get out of bed,                                        
And go straight to the head;                                
He's now known for his get up and go.                       
                                                            
26083 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Tom Patton          P0303



In the heart of a lady there stirred                        
A joy for which there was no word.                          
As the feeling progressed,                                  
She farted with zest,                                       
And thoughtfully dropped a fat turd.                        
                                                            
26084 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Albin Chaplin   3024-1234



Last summer a diver named Porter                            
Tooks hundreds of craps underwater.                         
They affect, to this day,                                   
Every fish in the bay,                                      
Which is why fish don't taste like it ought to.             
                                                            
26085 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Frank Perdue        P8604



In this world there is one thing that's sure:               
For eating there's really no cure.                          
What you chew as fine chow,                                 
Wanders through you somehow,                                
And ends up as human manure.                                
                                                            
26086 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Grand Prix Lim   20 G1465



John, who was flushed with elation,                         
Had cause for a huge celebration.                           
When he found it was fruit                                  
That could help him toot toot,                              
And rid him of his constipation.                            
                                                            
26087 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Edwin J Weinstein        



When cooking an egg, you must boil it,                      
And eat it quickly not to spoil it.                         
In your stomach it stays                                    
For three or four days,                                     
Then sadly you flush it down the toilet.                    
                                                            
26088 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Cass A. Nova             



While searching last week for some treacle,         (Syrup) 
I saw a large parrot whose beak'll                          
Crush small insects at play,                                
But now don't go away.                                      
The ending, of course, will be fecal.                       
                                                            
26089 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    John Dohner         P8801



Quite an agreeable fellow,                                  
This baby, so quiet and mellow.                             
Though a talker, he's not.                                  
He's an active young tot.                                   
He spends most of his time shitting yellow.                 
                                                            
26090 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Luke Sheppard            



Perhaps, Sir, you've built up a guyot                       
Of shit, through a fibre-free diet.                         
So mark down these words:                                   
To free farts and turds,                                    
Eat cabbage and beans, then let fly it.                     
                                                            
26091 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                             



Here I sit on the throne;                                   
Lots of grunts and a big groan.                             
A massive plop                                              
From an eight-inch drop;                                    
I think that I've lost half a stone.                        
(stone = 14 pounds)                                         
26092 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



At this stage in life for this chap,                        
A fine thing is Sunday's long nap.                          
Yes, sex is still great,                                    
But it doesn't rate                                         
As high as a nap, then a crap!                              
                                                            
26093 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Travis Brasell           



A lady of beauty and wit                                    
Remarked as she squatted to shit:                           
"Are there no polite words                                  
Used to designate turds?--                                  
Just plain shit doesn't please me one bit!"                 
                                                            
26094 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                        G1483



There was once a fastidious nut                             
Had a pacemaker installed in his gut.                       
Now for his amusement,                                      
He can dial his own movement;                               
Irregularity is anything but.                               
                                                            
26095 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Edwin J Weinstein        



Keep feeding your kids dates and prunes,                    
And you'll keep them out of saloons.                        
They'll be busy sittin'                                     
On the can a shittin',                                      
Every night and most afternoons.                            
                                                            
26096 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                             



I'm sitting in stall number three;                          
I really have to shit and to pee.                           
I'll wipe and I'll flush,                                   
Send it down in a rush,                                     
And let out a sigh of relief!                               
                                                            
26097 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a baby named Drew;                           
He liked to chatter and coo.                                
He was rather sweet                                         
But not very neat                                           
When into his diaper he'd poo.                              
                                                            
26098 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Serena Henley            



Here we've a system called septic;                          
With the tiniest critters to digest ick;                    
Mind what you flush                                         
Or they'll all turn to mush;                                
It's a heck of a jam when they call in sick!                
                                                            
26099 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Will Schnabel            



Said a green cabin-dweller named Cade,                      
"Shit surely will bio-degrade.                              
Since I've no indoor plumbing,                              
When crap is a-coming,                                      
I'll head for the woods with a spade."                      
                                                            
26100 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    James Bryant             



A lady with bad constipation                                
Was near crazy with consternation.                          
Then her problem was solved                                 
When her doctor involved                                    
The process of elimination.                                 
                                                            
26101 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Tom Patton          P0800



An efficient young fellow named Dave,                       
Said, "Think of the money I save,                           
By avoiding vacations,                                      
And sexual relations,                                       
And taking a crap when I shave."                            
                                                            
26102 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL                        L0683



A punctual fellow, named Drew,                              
He shat at 11:02;                                           
At 11:03,                                                   
He proceeded to pee;                                        
At 11:04, he was through.                                   
                                                            
26103 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Cap'n Bean          P2006



A silly young man from Kent,                                
Was intrigued by a horrible scent.                          
In a second or two,                                         
He went all down the loo,                                   
To see where his dinner had went.                           
                                                            
26104 EXCRETIONS - FECES - NORMAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Purdbright,                       
Who never could quite get her turd right.                   
She'd go in a closet                                        
And leave a deposit,                                        
Like a mouse, or a bat, or a bird might.                    
                                                            
26105 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                        L0731



There was an old fellow of Pittwood,                        
Who never was able to shit good.                            
He'd leave small deposits                                   
On shelves and in closets,                                  
As a very small pup or a kit would.                         
                                                            
26106 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                        L0732



There once was a high-flying bird                           
Who dropped a large spattering turd                         
All over my car.                                            
It was sticky like tar;                                     
The mess was widespread and absurd.                         
                                                            
26107 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Jeff Gipson              



'Cross the desert, her hub wouldn't heed                    
Her pleas for to stop for The Need;                         
So she rolls down the glass;                                
And then sticks her bare ass,                               
Out the window, no matter their speed!                      
                                                            
26108 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



T'ward the road, she then empties her bowels;               
Barely missing two tramps!  Then one howls;                 
"What kind of terbakky                                      
She be chewin' by crackee?"                                 
"Dunno, but goddamn!  Dem's big jowls!"                     
                                                            
26109 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



There has never (it's never been truer)                     
Been glory in cleaning a sewer.                             
But if no one will do it,                                   
Then all must wade through it,                              
As clean spots grow fewer and fewer                         
                                                            
26110 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Bluebird                 



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Walked in to Denny's, it seems.                             
He dropped his drawers                                      
And shit on the floor;                                      
He thought he was in the latrine.                           
                                                            
26111 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Gearhart                 



The dog shit I see is infinite                              
And I'll pick one up in a minute,                           
And sniff it and taste it                                   
And when I've replaced it,                                  
I make sure I never step in it.                             
                                                            
26112 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



When growing Spring gardens, it's true;                     
The best fertilizer is poo.                                 
Plants will grow faster                                     
But rain brings disaster,                                   
And slick stinky stuff on your shoe.                        
                                                            
26113 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



Mama smiled with great APPROBATION,                         
As Junior's bowel elimination                               
Was fittingly bowled,                                       
Not in diaper's fold,                                       
As cause of much jubilation.                                
                                                            
26114 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Chris Papa               



An unfortunate fellow named Pippin,                         
Indulged in too much Guiness sippin'.                       
His stools were so large,                                   
Some big as a barge,                                        
And a definite hazard to shipping.                          
                                                            
26115 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Nick Cheek               



A man that came from Tambov                                 
Was suddenly hit from above                                 
By something most icky,                                     
All smelly and sticky;                                      
It came from the ass of a dove.                             
                                                            
26116 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



A southern sharecropper named Lovell                        
Had no indoor john in his hovel;                            
No griper, no mourner,                                      
He'd crap in a corner,                                      
And scoop up the poop with a shovel.                        
                                                            
26117 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Armand E Singer       867



As a toddler I pooped in dad's shoe;                        
'Twas lumpy and rolled out of view.                         
I got a stern warning                                       
At six the next morning,                                    
And I pointed to Winnie the Pooh.                           
                                                            
26118 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



A Mafia Don (lived in Queens)                               
Had access to various means                                 
To baffle the law,                                          
But the best that I saw                                     
Was in court when he soiled his jeans.                      
                                                            
26119 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Frank Fazed              



Some viewers don't know what they missed;                   
The spectators all were quite pissed.                       
The stench filled the court,                                
His Honor's retort...                                       
"Get him the hell out, case dismissed."                     
                                                            
26120 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Frank Fazed              



While taking a shit in the sink,                            
I suddenly started to think,                                
Was I doing it wrong?                                       
Had I squeezed for too long?                                
My excreta was fluorescent pink.                            
                                                            
26121 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    EJF                      



In Dorset my grandmother, Dot,                              
Who was 99, went for a squat                                
On an Elsan I'm told                                        
When 'twas terribly cold,                                   
And got frozen to death on the spot.                        
(what is an Elsan - McW)                                    
26122 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



The press, with the facts they do fiddle,                   
Whilst forgetting Media means Middle.                       
But I really must say                                       
Newspapers are the best way                                 
Of teaching a pet where to piddle.                          
                                                            
26123 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Frank Petersohn          



A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr,                           
Had a daughter, delightful and pure.                        
It seems such a shame                                       
That her chief claim to fame                                
Was her great skill in pitching manure.                     
                                                            
26124 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Isaac Asimov             



One evening while eating a curry,                           
I had to get out in a hurry.                                
The waiter said, "Hey!                                      
You've forgotten to pay!"                                   
But by then I was halfway to Surrey.                        
                                                            
26125 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Bill Wall                



Requested to leave her dull party                           
By overnice Mrs. McCarty,                                   
I shat on her floor                                         
Right by the front door...                                  
I hope that upsets the old smarty.                          
                                                            
26126 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Grand Prix Lim  925      



In Calcutta they sleep on the street;                       
In spring that's a medium feat.                             
But when monsoons come down,                                
And you're waist-deep in brown,                             
Your bedroom is full of excrete!                            
                                                            
26127 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    K R Swift          TP9901



Poop in the woods, if you please;                           
Stop spreading your fecal disease,                          
In communal restrooms,                                      
Those viral "infestrooms"...                                
You're better off squatting 'mongst trees.                  
                                                            
26128 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Acetous                  



A young tramp who sleeps in a sewer,                        
Leaves it with an odour impure.                             
His perfume Eau de Nile                                     
Changed his sex appeal,                                     
As his friends are now fewer and fewer.                     
                                                            
26129 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Arthur Pattaffy          



While caving in ice I just might                            
Discover a new stalagtite                                   
But if I got lost                                           
Down there in the frost                                     
I'd create my own stalagshite.                              
                                                            
26130 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



While reading, it's obvious you                             
Must squeeze out a plunker or two.                          
But don't be a chump                                        
Just go take a dump.                                        
It's best to leave many than phew.                          
                                                            
26131 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



There once was a Bruce from Newcastle                       
Who rolled up a turd in a parcel;                           
He sent it by plane                                         
To a poofter in Spain,                                      
To show him the size of his arse-hole.                      
                                                            
26132 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



The short guy with Napoleon-type hat,                       
Picks fights - an obnoxious rat;                            
When boss, hell to pay!                                     
'Cause, like Rabelais,                                      
His heart is too close to his crap!                         
                                                            
26133 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES                             



A respected, well-known epicure,                            
Plunged head over heels in a sewer.                         
He swallowed some shite                                     
And exclaimed with delight,                                 
"This is nourishing, wholesome and pure."                   
(well, he was full of shit - McW)                           
26134 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PLACES    Prof                     



The gourmets at dinner all sit                              
Enjoying the food fine and fit.                             
But excreting is fun,                                       
So when dinner is done,                                     
They should gather together to shit.                        
                                                            
26135 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Albin Chaplin   3024-1230



My anger, dear fellow, was due                              
To hoping this sweet morning dew                            
Was left by the fog--                                       
When really, some dog                                       
Had covered the front lawn with doo!                        
                                                            
26136 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Norm Storer         P9112



Their first statue -- Athena, a beauty --                   
Made the rulers of Athens feel snooty,                      
But while they were beaming                                 
And the marble was gleaming,                                
The pigeons of town did their duty.                         
                                                            
26137 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        P8811



The Rajah of Afganistan                                     
Imported a Birmingham can,                                  
Which he set as a throne                                    
On a great Buddha stone.                                    
But he crapped out-of-doors like a man.                     
                                                            
26138 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        L0666



I heard of the story on Clyde                               
But there's something about which you lied.                 
It wasn't his dog's doo;                                    
He'd not make it to the loo;                                
By this truth I must abide.                                 
                                                            
26139 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                             



Try to avoid the Powells!                                   
They tend to void their bowels                              
With ashen faces,                                           
Horrid grimaces,                                            
And loud, bloodcurdling howls.                              
                                                            
26140 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Bill Wiatt               



A prudish old lady called Muir                              
Had a mind so incredibly pure,                              
That she fainted away                                       
At a friend's house one day                                 
At the sight of a canary's manure.                          
                                                            
26141 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Anon                     



Cows 'round the outhouse -- what din!                       
Their mooing gets under my skin;                            
I'll sit here, no doubt,                                    
Afraid to step out,                                         
For fear of what I will step in.                            
                                                            
26142 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



My neighbors, the dirty Miss Drews,                         
Stand on their doorstep and muse,                           
And tie up their tresses,                                   
While the dogs make their messes,                           
And I am wiping my shoes.                                   
                                                            
26143 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    George Moore 1936   L0696



There was an old lady named Pitt,                           
Whose dog was large, healthy and fit.                       
All the neighbors did fear                                  
If she wandered too near,                                   
When she took her dog out for a shit.                       
                                                            
26144 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Albin Chaplin   3024-1223



Before your hound lowers a turd,                            
Do you think that I might have a word?                      
If you empty your pup,                                      
Bring a bag -- clean it up!                                 
Avoidable fouling's absurd!                                 
                                                            
26145 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                             



In Spring, when hearts turn to Love,                        
And overhead beats wings of a dove,                         
Lovers stroll while they chat,                              
But -- remember your hat,                                   
To catch those gifts dropped from above.                    
                                                            
26146 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Lunar Dee                



A cowboy intent on his toil                                 
Must heed nature's call lest he spoil,                      
So he piles off his horse                                   
And does something quite coarse;                            
He knows it enriches the soil.                              
                                                            
26147 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A turd dropped by Sister Ecclesia                           
Reached from Key West to Southern Rhodesia.                 
The cause of this dump                                      
Was a three-foot-square lump                                
Of Ex-lax laced with milk of magnesia.                      
                                                            
26148 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        G2326



A lad went to work in the zoo;                              
With a shovel he'd pick up the pooh.                        
He claimed after a spell                                    
He could tell by the smell,                                 
The difference between yak and gnu.                         
                                                            
26149 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                             



There was a young man from Wamsutter                        
Who attempted to shit on a shutter.                         
There were roars of dismay                                  
When the shutter gave way,                                  
And he finished his shit in the gutter.                     
                                                            
26150 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Tony Davie Collection    



Our neighbor's a friendly old sot.                          
He serves cool drinks when it's hot.                        
He's considerate too,                                       
You can tell by the view --                                 
An outhouse for those on the trot.                          
                                                            
26151 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    John Paulk          P9808



Oh, magnificent bird in the sky;                            
You just dropped a big glob in my eye;                      
Though I uttered a curse,                                   
Things could be so much worse;                              
What if horses and cows learned to fly?                     
                                                            
26152 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                             



To guard against muggers that hit you,                      
I bought me a dog, learned ju-jitsu;                        
I met such a man,                                           
The dog and I ran,                                          
The mugger, though, slipped on my shihzu.                   
                                                            
26153 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                             



We avoid the lush maiden from Spits,                        
Due to vile ventral gas she emits.                          
In the midst of a dinner,                                   
This unconscionable sinner                                  
Hops up on the table and shits!                             
                                                            
26154 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        G1461



The mounted cop on the beat,                                
With his horse, tried to be discreet,                       
But his horse couldn't stop it,                             
He just had to drop it,                                     
Upon that odoriferous street.                               
                                                            
26155 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Al Willis                



The mayor and cops were parading,                           
The horses and bands, captivating.                          
But some faces turned red                                   
And folks nearly dropped dead,                              
When the horses began defecating.                           
                                                            
26156 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Al Willis          TP9802



Said the city dude, "Don't think me too silly               
To follow this path fairly loosily,                         
Endeavoring not                                             
To step in a spot                                           
Where a cow has preceded me juicily!"                       
                                                            
26157 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



My heart bleeds for all of you chaps.                       
You say that you smell of ripe craps                        
But if I were you                                           
I'd not broadcast my pooh                                   
And I'd keep all my dirt under wraps.                       
                                                            
26158 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                             



There was a young man from Ben Vrackie,                     
Went up on the hill for a cacky.                            
The shite, it came oot                                      
Wi a helluva scoot,                                         
And killed two craws and a blackie.                         
                                                            
26159 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Charlie Keenan           



It's steamy, it's gooey, it's vile;                         
It's piled almost high as a mile;                           
It bubbles and squeaks                                      
In the sunshine for weeks,                                  
But it sure makes a dung-beetle smile.                      
                                                            
26160 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Peter Wilkins            



'Twould seem this mysterious "It"                           
Would in my home town cause a snit!                         
Not many could endure                                       
Such a pile of manure;                                      
Is it bull or horse -- (here use your wit).                 
                                                            
26161 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Chris Anton              



Oh, pity the cowboy who's coming                            
From night-herding duty that's numbing,                     
Through cowpies quite dense                                 
Deposited thence                                            
By cattle with very loose plumbing.                         
                                                            
26162 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young farmer from Leyhill,                      
Went to shit on the top of a high hill.                     
When his friends asked him, "Was it                         
A pleasing deposit?"                                        
He said, "Vox et praeterea nihil."                          
(A voice, and besides that, nothing.)                       
26163 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Anon          L0678 G1463



One evening while out for a jog,                            
I spied a young man in the fog.                             
Though is appeared from afar                                
That he held a cigar,                                       
The stogie had come from his dog.                           
                                                            
26164 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Paul                     



A myopic watch sailor at Woods Hole                         
Through his spy glass he spied him an ol'                   
Cigar steaming reeks,                                       
Between furry cheeks.                                       
Snaps Cappy, "Butt bulging out of a porthole."              
                                                            
26165 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Gibbon the Troubadour    



While watching a pigeon fly by,                             
I got something white in my eye.                            
Now I didn't moan,                                          
But said with a groan                                       
"I'm just glad that milk cows don't fly!"                   
                                                            
26166 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Daniel Lei               



"I'm glad pigs can't fly", said young Sellers,              
(He's one of those worrying fellows).                       
"For if they could fly,                                     
They'd shit in the sky."                                    
And we'd all have to carry unbrellas."                      
                                                            
26167 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Ron Rubin                



There was a young chemist named Byrd,                       
Had an urge that could not be deferred.                     
So to irritate Knox,                                        
He shit in his socks,                                       
And plastered the walls with his turd.                      
                                                            
26168 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        G1364



Said an angry old man of Amritsar,                          
"Have the goodness to mind where you shit, sir!             
That last shit of yours                                     
Has besmirched my plus-fours,                               
You really aren't careful a bit, sir."                      
                                                            
26169 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Langford Reed            



A very strange woman named Dotty,                           
On her front porch did sit on her potty.                    
"It isn't polite                                            
To do this in sight,                                        
But then, those who complain are most snotty.               
                                                            
26170 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        L0695



For riding way out on the prairie,                          
The facilities tend to be airy.                             
You can bet from the spot                                   
Where you've chosen to squat,                               
That your profile will show -- so don't tarry.              
                                                            
26171 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



In Medieval times (they were old),                          
The traveling Knights were most bold.                       
Sans toilets for sitting,                                   
They did roadside shitting.                                 
They left quite contented, I'm told.                        
                                                            
26172 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Frank Fazed              



There once was a man from Rangoon,                          
Who tried to fart his way to the moon.                      
Seems he flopped as a rocket,                               
Shit in his pocket,                                         
And died in a rectal typhoon.                               
                                                            
26173 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



"Gadzooks!!" bellowed Richard the Third                     
When hit from above by a bird;                              
"Gadzooks!" and then laughed                                
Thinking, "Jeeze what a daft                                
Euphemistic expression for turd."                           
                                                            
26174 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Peter Wilkins            



A fussy old maid from Vancouver,                            
Messed her pants while touring the Louvre.                  
Guards trailed her a bit                                    
By her spoor of soft shit,                                  
Then proceeded to gently remove 'er.                        
                                                            
26175 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        G0664



Dumb Sally was really quite cute.                           
But she didn't know fruit worth a hoot.                     
When she asked at the store,                                
The clerk chuckled galore.                                  
She thought road apples a new kind of fruit.                
                                                            
26176 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



In a whorehouse on Pee Street in Dallas,                    
A popular trollop named Alice                               
Is today in disgrace:                                       
Shitting in Madam's face                                    
Was no way to show ire and malice!                          
                                                            
26177 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        G1374



There was an old man from France,                           
Who insisted on shitting his pants.                         
His daughter said, "Father,                                 
If you do it another..."                                    
The father said, "Daughter, I shan't"                       
                                                            
26178 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



A man by the named of McGoo,                                
Felt the urge to go take a poo.                             
He emptied his bowels                                       
On some white paper towels,                                 
And shuffled his feet in the goo.                           
                                                            
26179 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    J. Weaver                



The geese are most beautiful creatures,                     
As they roost on the high school bleachers.                 
But when in the field                                       
Their wastes have congealed;                                
One may slip in thier less lovely features.                 
                                                            
26180 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a green gob of goo,                          
Who didn't have much else to do.                            
So he waited till spring,                                   
On the first passing thing,                                 
And that's why he's stuck to your shoe.                     
                                                            
26181 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Redwolfess               



There once was a horse from Cape Verde                      
Who produced most unusual turds.                            
By the simplest means                                       
He'd eat corn and beans                                     
And make succotash for the birds.                           
                                                            
26182 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        L0680



A youth, whom I happened to meet                            
Said, "Let's play blindman's-buff in the street."           
I said, "Don't be absurd,                                   
You might tramp on a turd                                   
With disasterous results to your feet."                     
                                                            
26183 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a builder named Howell,                      
Who had a remarkable bowel.                                 
He built him a building                                     
Of brickwork and gilding,                                   
Using--what do you think--on his trowel.                    
                                                            
26184 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Robert W. Murray    L0706



There was an old farmer named Pitt,                         
Whose cart a big boulder did hit.                           
His load of manure                                          
Was so insecure,                                            
He was up to his neck in the shit!                          
                                                            
26185 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC                        G1437



He ran down Houndsditch reeling,                            
At Bedlam, he was frighted.                                 
He in Moorfields                                            
Beshit his heels,                                           
At Hoxton he was wiped.                                     
                                                            
26186 EXCRETIONS - FECES - PUBLIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet                             
But then pooping is never too neat.                         
If you make a mess,                                         
I'm calling the press.                                      
Because that, even Bill could not beat!                     
                                                            
26187 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                            



A loose-sphinctered fellow from Clapenham                   
Had buttocks with far too much crap in 'em.                 
And when he'd lie down,                                     
His shorts turned a deep brown,                             
Which kept him from taking a nap in 'em.                    
                                                            
26188 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Armand E Singer       431



A sorry young fellow was Dan;                               
He smelt like an old garbage can.                           
He remarked, so morose,                                     
"I was standing too close                                   
When the feces was flung at the fan."                       
                                                            
26189 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Albin Chaplin   3024-1199



There was a young traveler named Vance,                     
Who loved far-off climes for romance.                       
But in the Crimea                                           
He got diarrhea,                                            
And fouled up his shorts and his pants.                     
                                                            
26190 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Armand E Singer       365



Ever since I was two                                        
I've been quite enthralled with my poo.                     
Then I'd make balls                                         
To smear on the walls,                                      
But now I just share it with you.                           
                                                            
26191 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   H Whelchel               



Sweet kissypoo! I've craved your words!                     
I'll make you a pie of green curds                          
And toss it, in time,                                       
Where sunlight don't shine.                                 
We'll laugh like young babes smearing turds.                
                                                            
26192 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                            



My cousin, the honorable Jed Rose,                          
Was kinda strange I suppose.                                
He'd void his bowels                                        
On white paper towels,                                      
Then lift his dung to his nose.                             
                                                            
26193 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                            



There was a young man from Panama                           
Who took a very strong enema.                               
It blew out his guts,                                       
All over his nuts,                                          
So he won't take an enema any more.                         
                                                            
26194 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                       G2718



A nasty perverted young Brit                                
Loved playing around with his shit.                         
He said "What most I do fear                                
Is the old diarrhea,                                        
Which quite spoils the texture of it."                      
                                                            
26195 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Jim Weaver Collection    



A fat-headed female named Burt                              
Was an artist in sexual dirt.                               
She devotedly shat                                          
In her shoes or her hat,                                    
And wiped her backside with her shirt.                      
                                                            
26196 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                       G1362



My sneakers were smelling like ass,                         
So I checked and "Oh No and Alas!"                          
I'd run on the lawn,                                        
'Twas just after dawn,                                      
And found some chien poo de grass.                          
                                                            
26197 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Archie                   



A vicious young man named Snerd,                            
Had a sick sense of humor, we've heard.                     
To get back at his aunts,                                   
He shit in his pants,                                       
And smeared the whole floor with his turds.                 
                                                            
26198 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                            



There was a young fellow named Paul,                        
He could not trust his ring-piece at all.                   
When he sat in the loo,                                     
It went slightly askew                                      
And splattered some shit on the wall.                       
                                                            
26199 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Nick Cheek               



There was a young man from St. Paul,                        
Who really had no scruples at all.                          
He would fart when he'd talk,                               
And shit when he'd walk,                                    
And at night, throw it over the wall.                       
                                                            
26200 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                       L0737



Said a scholar enrolled at Concordia                        
To the harlot, "I cannot affordia."                         
At which she got mad                                        
And, with all that she had,                                 
Started pelting his person with ordia.                      
                                                            
26201 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Hugh Oliver         A129B



There once was a girl from Helsinki                         
Whose behavior was gross, vile, and stinky.                 
She'd dip her left tit                                      
In warm polar bear shit,                                    
Then wipe it all off with her pinky.                        
                                                            
26202 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                            



There was an old man from Arcola                            
Who didn't know shit from Shinola.                          
He pined and he pined,                                      
For his shoes were unshined,                                
When a hernia stopped up his hole-a.                        
                                                            
26203 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                       G1347



There was a young man named McCloud,                        
Who fought with his arguments loud.                         
And he claimed right along                                  
He could never do wrong;                                    
When he shit in his pants, he was proud.                    
                                                            
26204 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Albin Chaplin   3024-2187



Yer ass is a fine one, it's true,                           
But what of your choad? Is it new?                          
I'll suck it all dry,                                       
Then piss in your eye.                                      
If you'd kindly shit in me shoe.                            
                                                            
26205 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                            



The morals of a fellow named Burke                          
Brand him as a low sort of jerk.                            
For he shits in the halls                                   
Of the homes where he calls,                                
And scuffs it around with a smirk!                          
                                                            
26206 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                       G1361



Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet;                            
It'll make you throw up in the street.                      
And it proves super fast,                                   
That Scott Tissue won't last                                
'Cause it quickly becomes a spreadsheet.                    
                                                            
26207 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Poppo                    



An owner of collies named Sue                               
Observed as she slipped on brown goo,                       
"I should be more cautious,                                 
The odor is nauseous,                                       
Though most humans don't, doggies do."                      
                                                            
26208 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Armand E Singer       865



I once knew a dog, Scooby Doo,                              
Who left great huge mountains of doo.                       
His owner said, "Oop!                                       
I've forgotten the scoop!"                                  
And walked on, with it stuck to his shoe.                   
                                                            
26209 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED                            



While fixing my broken-down tractor,                        
I was mocked by an out-of-work actor;                       
So I picked up some dung,                                   
Which at him I flung,                                       
To distract a tractor detractor.                            
                                                            
26210 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Tiddy Ogg                



A bird-watching fellow named Ferd                           
Was indulging his hobby, I've heard;                        
When besmirched by Dumbo,                                   
Twice the size of Jumbo,                                    
And continued his watch undeterred.                         
                                                            
26211 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Tom Patton          P0202



A lad from the land of the Kurds                            
Fell into a cave used by birds.                             
His friends laughed, "Good Lord, you're                     
All covered with ordure.                                    
Clear up to your eyes in wet turds!"                        
                                                            
26212 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Armand E Singer       206



"My wife is so dumb," said Bill Draper,                     
"Saving money to her is a caper!                            
When she goes to the loo                                    
And she makes a big poo,                                    
She wipes with both sides of the paper!"                    
                                                            
26213 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SMEARED   Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



This limerick's in praise of the turd,                      
The four-letter, forbidden word.                            
Ah the shape, o the smell,                                  
It just makes my heart swell!                               
Embarrassed I dropped one?  Absurd!                         
                                                            
26214 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Armand E Singer       100



There was a young lady from Norway                          
Who crawled on all fours through a doorway.                 
The door slammed shut                                       
And pinched her butt,                                       
And she shit all over the floorway.                         
                                                            
26215 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      G2245



A vacationer named White, from Vancouver,                   
Once toured that great dam known as Hoover.                 
The height of the site                                      
Gave White such a fright,                                   
His bowels did a spontaneous maneuver.                      
                                                            
26216 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



Poor guy had to clean up his mess --                        
(It was much worse than Monica's dress!)                    
He said, "Ne'ermore will I                                  
Ever climb up so high --                                    
It's already caused me too much stress!"                    
                                                            
26217 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



Here's how I keep it so tight---                            
Bathe it in champagne every night-                          
It's worth every nickel,                                    
For those bubbles do tickle,                                
(And he says the taste is a delight!)                       
                                                            
26218 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



An environmentalist, O'Boyle                                
Gave her kids Ex-lax and castor oil.                        
She wanted her brood                                        
To return all the food,                                     
Directly back to the soil.                                  
                                                            
26219 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Tom Patton          P9708



A man turned his head to the sky                            
And said, as a bird flew on high:                           
"This manifestation                                         
Is God's great creation!"                                   
But the bird dropped a turd in his eye.                     
                                                            
26220 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Albin Chaplin   3024-1231



"POO!", he said straining his gut,                          
But his sphincter contracted and shut.                      
He tried once again                                         
With considerable strain,                                   
Till his bowels ripped asunder, KERSPLUT!!                  
                                                            
26221 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Peter Wilkins            



We scraped all his guts off the wall                        
And we shovelled the shit from the hall.                    
Now all that remains                                        
Are peculiar stains                                         
And his sphincter which winks at us all.                    
                                                            
26222 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Peter Wilkins            



I just had gotten home from work;                           
This really did happen, you jerk!                           
He plopped a huge shit,                                     
And then played in it,                                      
Which drove all us nurses berserk.                          
                                                            
26223 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Cheryl                   



We washed him from head to his toes;                        
We thought that he smelled like a rose.                     
He said, "I smell shit!"                                    
He was right, the dumb twit.                                
We'd forgotten the inside of his nose.                      
                                                            
26224 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Cheryl                   



A lecher who lurked in the loo,                             
Tried to teach two young ladies to screw.                   
But together they beat him                                  
And chose to secrete him                                    
Below in two feet of prime poo!                             
                                                            
26225 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  John Miller              



Upon leaving the burial loo,                                
The girls shouted, "Goodbye! Toodle-oo!                     
Now that your tush                                          
Is really quite flush,                                      
Who can you screw? Well, Screw You!                         
                                                            
26226 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Arden                    



That Tiddy is one clever chappy,                            
And on Jan 1, one of few who is happy.                      
While others are broke                                      
And in debt are to soak,                                    
He'll be sitting with cash in his nappy.  (Brit for diaper) 
                                                            
26227 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Nawahl Razak             



There was an old gal from Cologne,                          
Who was chilled right down to the bone.                     
She sipped upon coffee                                      
With a large chunk of Brie;                                 
Now the poor soul lives on "the throne."                    
                                                            
26228 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Pam Steadman       TP9804



I bet on a mare that was dappled;                           
She won the big race, so I clappled                         
And did me a dance,                                         
Until in my pants,                                          
I found, with excitement I'd crappled.                      
                                                            
26229 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Travis Brasell           



A vintner who calls himself Stu                             
Took a fancy to his corkscrew.                              
So he pierced a mole                                        
Next to his asshole;                                        
Now his shit comes out curlycue.                            
                                                            
26230 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  D Melton                 



I loathe all witch doctors of voodoo,                       
Despise con-men conning with hoodoo;                        
I hate all burnt toast,                                     
But what I hate most                                        
Is stepping in confounded doodoo!                           
                                                            
26231 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



The latter puts me in a fit,                                
There ought to be laws against it!                          
With crap on my shoe                                        
There's not much to do,                                     
Except to stand there and say, "Shit!"                      
                                                            
26232 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



A guy of door-knocking religion                             
Was blessed by an o'er-flying pigeon.                       
To himself, he muttered,                                    
Then quietly sputtered                                      
Some four-letter words...just a smidgen!                    
                                                            
26233 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



A stringy food-faddist named Sprat,                         
Wed a maid who was billows of fat.                          
After strenuous tries                                       
At exposing her prize,                                      
He farted so hard that he shat.                             
                                                            
26234 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      G0769



A gay young blade from Milano,                              
Was Count Galeazzo Ciano.                                   
Safe from the wars,                                         
He found that his drawers,                                  
Contained rich deposits of guano.                           
                                                            
26235 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      L0723



There was an old man of Madrid,                             
Who went to an auction to bid.                              
In the first lot they sold,                                 
Was an ancient commode;                                     
And My God!  When the lifted the lid!                       
                                                            
26236 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      L0719



At the wedding, so nervous was Bart,                        
That he pissed in his pants at the start.                   
When the priest spoke his bit,                              
He proceeded to shit,                                       
And the nuptials were sealed with a fart.                   
                                                            
26237 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Albin Chaplin   3024-1188



In Epsom I drank some strange salt.                         
I admit it, it was my own fault.                            
Filled my glass to the brim                                 
Then nipped down to the gym;                                
My mistake was attempting a vault.                          
                                                            
26238 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Bill Wall                



A snuff-sniffing Turk said, "With ease,                     
I can stifle an audible sneeze."                            
But one day in church,                                      
His ass gave a lurch,                                       
And he shit his pants, full to his knees.                   
                                                            
26239 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Bob Florida              



Came the Captain to Poland from France;                     
As the band played, he stood in a trance.                   
He was glutted on snails                                    
Which had fouled his entrails;                              
He saluted and shit in his pants.                           
                                                            
26240 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Albin Chaplin            



The author writes words that do flatter.                    
I'm so happy I couldn't be gladder.                         
If fact, I'm so pleased,                                    
My bowel just released,                                     
So I sit in my own fecal matter.                            
                                                            
26241 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Michelle                 



There was a young moron named Bobby,                        
Who gathered up turds for a hobby.                          
He'd drop them in wells,                                    
And in fashionable hotels,                                  
He'd hide 'em in chairs in the lobby.                       
                                                            
26242 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                     G1464a



There once was a young man named Stu,                       
Up whose big nose a fly flew.                               
He sneezed and he snorted,                                  
But his efforts were aborted                                
When into his pants he did poo.                             
                                                            
26243 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Ross Dunce               



This Skumbunny is on the mends;                             
I'm sure it was just some ill winds,                        
Or too much coffee,                                         
Milk, water or tea,                                         
And just in case, I now have Depends.                       
                                                            
26244 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



Not the ones that bring sweat to your pores,                
Or that peel the shellac from the floors,                   
For aromas accursed,                                        
The absolute worst                                          
Are the ones that end up in your drawers.                   
                                                            
26245 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  MrMalo                   



A bridge-playing lady, Miss Harte,                          
Proceeded her cheeks both to part,                          
And she tried to pass gas,                                  
But a turd she did pass                                     
Which finessed her right out of a fart.                     
                                                            
26246 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Albin Chaplin   3024-1203



A wife who bore quite a big grudge,                         
Against her husband and made him some fudge.                
But her husband did savor                                   
The laxative flavor                                         
That moved things that never would budge.                   
                                                            
26247 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Anon                     



There once was an old man from Crete                        
Who swallowed a plate of crabmeat.                          
"Holy Jehoshaphat!"                                         
He said after he shat.                                      
"Coming out, it feels like concrete."                       
                                                            
26248 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Marlene                  



A man cried out in distress:                                
"I just can't seem to undress!                              
My zipper's is stuck,                                       
It is just my luck,                                         
And now my shorts are a mess!"                              
                                                            
26249 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



So the shorts in question were soiled?                      
And they needed burning or boiled.                          
But before you do, please,                                  
The cure for a disease,                                     
Could be what saves the whole woiled!  (World)              
                                                            
26250 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



The councilman sat by the ocean,                            
Applying to skin, suntan lotion.                            
Discussing amen-                                            
Ities funding, but then                                     
A seagull flew over, passed a motion.                       
                                                            
26251 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Tiddy Ogg                



For some time those councilors tarried,                     
Although by the birds, they were harried.                   
They arose, the mayoress                                    
Having missed on her dress.                                 
The spot, thus the motion was carried.                      
                                                            
26252 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Tiddy Ogg                



She got home, then spied it, expleted!                      
In tones both profane and quite heated.                     
But then with her Hoover,                                   
And strong spot remover,                                    
The motion at last was defeated.                            
                                                            
26253 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Tiddy Ogg                



I once strained to let out a squeal,                        
But found that the fart was not real.                       
So I shifted my stance,                                     
And looked in my pants,                                     
To discover my previous meal.                               
                                                            
26254 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



When Bert at his job did arrive,                            
A stench in his pants came alive.                           
Remarked Jimmy, "My word,                                   
Though it smells like a turd,                               
We will call it Chanel No. 5."                              
                                                            
26255 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Albin Chaplin   3024-1187



Said Johnny with more than a sigh,                          
"Just call me one unlucky guy;                              
I've shot my romance,                                       
Soaked shirttail and pants --                               
A farting that wound up awry."                              
                                                            
26256 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Armand E Singer       652



A confident fellow was Ray,                                 
He smiled and broke wind and was gay.                       
But his smile turned out sickly                             
And he left rather quickly,                                 
For he shit and he said, "Not my day."                      
                                                            
26257 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Albin Chaplin   3024-1225



A queer who just loved rimming asses,                       
Hated blokes who passed lots of waste gasses.               
His had made a sound;                                       
On inspection, he found                                     
A small turd on the bridge of his glasses.                  
                                                            
26258 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Ron                      



A cute little girl they called Brie,                        
Ate fifty green peaches for tea.                            
Around dinner time                                          
She farted a rhyme,                                         
But one line ran on to her knee.                            
                                                            
26259 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  H Whelchel               



There was a young girl from East Lansing,                   
Who shit down her leg while dancing.                        
It slid down her nylon,                                     
And left a great pile on                                    
The floor upon which she was prancing.                      
                                                            
26260 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      G1380



There once was a fellow named Glantz,                       
Who on entering a toilet in France,                         
Was in such a heat                                          
To paper the seat,                                          
He shit right into his pants.                               
                                                            
26261 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      L0703



There once a doggie named Scraps,                           
Whose butt lost control during naps.                        
Poor Scraps got no hug,                                     
When mom saw on her rug,                                    
That he slept in the turds that he craps.                   
                                                            
26262 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young artist named Saint,                       
Who swallowed some samples of paint.                        
All shades of the spectrum                                  
Flowed out of his rectum,                                   
With a colorful lack of restraint.                          
                                                            
26263 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Anon                G1445



A recruit in the battle of Aix                              
Who was trembling with quivers and quakes,                  
In fear for his life,                                       
Amid all the strife,                                        
Inadvertently went to the jakes.                            
(jakes - privy, excrement)                                  
26264 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  R. J. Winkler       P8406



There was a faith healer of Deal                            
Who said, "Although pain isn't real,                        
When, frightened by chance,                                 
I unload in my pants.                                       
I dislike what I fancy I feel.                              
                                                            
26265 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      L0691



There's a problem in stadiums, friends.                     
That blimp, through the game never lands,                   
Yet the pilot eats bran                                     
And unable to lan',                                         
APERIENTly shit hits the fans.                              
                                                            
26266 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Gary Hallock             



After eating a large bowl of prunes,                        
I put on a tape of the Goons.                               
I suddenly laughed;                                         
There's a fearsome noise aft!                               
Shit!  There go my blue pantaloons.                         
                                                            
26267 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Bill Wall                



I sat down to watch the World Cup,                          
With a sandwich and fine ales to sup.                       
But a fart, followed through,                               
Doused the sofa in poo;                                     
Missed the program whilst mopping it up.                    
                                                            
26268 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Mark Wright        TP9806



Do you double over in pain?                                 
Find keeping it in a big strain?                            
Best make your goal                                         
To stay on the bowl,                                        
Or shorts will be covered in stain.                         
                                                            
26269 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Arden                    



There was a young lady named Skinner,                       
Who dreamt that her lover was in her.                       
She woke with a start,                                      
And let a loud fart,                                        
Which was followed by luncheon and dinner.                  
                                                            
26270 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Norman Douglas      L0729



There was an old fellow named Art,                          
Who awoke with a terrible start.                            
For down by his rump                                        
Was a generous lump,                                        
Of what should have been just a fart.                       
                                                            
26271 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                      G1349



Chuck is weird, let the whole world know it.                
He brought in his bucket to show it.                        
We all had a fit                                            
When we saw it was shit;                                    
We didn't know he was to throw it.                          
                                                            
26272 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  VOL 7                    



If you've eaten some food that's too ritz,                  
And suddenly it feels like the pits;                        
And you just have to go,                                    
Don't tarry too slow,                                       
When you're having a run of the shits.                      
                                                            
26273 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a young fellow named Neal                         
Who ate nuts and bolts at each meal.                        
In the bathroom soon after,                                 
He moved me to laughter,                                    
When he would drop turds made of steel.                     
                                                            
26274 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Eric Perlin              



An incontinent fellow did not pass                          
Any chance to socialize en-masse.                           
But invitations stopped quick                               
'Cause he could not predict                                 
If 'twere solid, liquid, or gas.                            
                                                            
26275 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



Long walks with my wife were fantastic,                     
Until her poor bowels went spastic;                         
The movements she'd spawn                                   
Would mess up a lawn --                                     
But now she wears heavy-gauge plastic!                      
                                                            
26276 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE                           



The coffee has given me gas,                                
And maybe some liquid to pass.                              
I'd better be quick                                         
And finish this 'rick;                                      
I hope it won't weep from my ass!                           
                                                            
26277 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  H WHELCHEL               



It seems there once was a young boy,                        
Played his foreskin like a new toy.                         
With a pull and twist,                                      
Creamed over his fist,                                      
Shit all over the bed in joy!                               
                                                            
26278 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



A proper young lady named Rose                              
Soiled her pretty new clothes.                              
She parted her ass                                          
To pass some trapped gas,                                   
And blew shit from her head to her toes.                    
                                                            
26279 EXCRETIONS - FECES - SURPRISE  Gomez                    



"This weightlessness lark's just the job,"                  
Thought the astronaut, stroking his knob.                   
But he came with such haste,                                
That he shot into space,                                    
Leaving only a sticky white blob.                           
                                                            
26280 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



A scribbler from Kalamazoo                                  
Wrote stroke-books on sex for the zoo.                      
But his constant erection,                                  
Caused so much ejection,                                    
His pages were spattered with goo.                          
                                                            
26281 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 G2380



There once was a man; 'twas a Brit,                         
Who was into this cyber-sex shit.                           
Seems bloody awful to me,                                   
That invariably,                                            
He would come, not in squirts, but in bits.                 
                                                            
26282 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



There was an old psycho named Perkins                       
Who owned a collection of jerkin's,                         
Some coming from cats                                       
Or large rabid bats,                                        
But mainly from other men's gherkins.                       
                                                            
26283 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Armand E Singer       526



I once had a dog name of Stains,                            
Who liked to play in the rains.                             
I'd toss and he'd fetch;                                    
We'd be such a mess;                                        
My mother would yell, "Come Stains!"                        
                                                            
26284 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Tiddy Ogg                



Said a thoughtful young man of Des Moines,                  
"When I think of the fruit of my loins,                     
Either whitish or yellow,                                   
It's hard for a fellow                                      
To know if he's coming or going."                           
                                                            
26285 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             J.G.                A050B



Infestations require fumigation                             
If they're insects in large aggregation.                    
For an excess of sperm                                      
You need measures quite firm:                               
Copulation or else masturbation.                            
                                                            
26286 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Jim Vandermeer      P9402



There once was a handsome young punk                        
With a prick like an elephant's trunk.                      
When this prick pachydermatous                              
Sprayed a shower of sperm at us,                            
You could bathe head to foot in the spunk.                  
                                                            
26287 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 G0426



Young Fred had a sensitive cock,                            
But in Sydney he kept it in hock.                           
A trip to The Alice                                         
Excited his phallus                                         
And with semen he covered Ayres Rock.                       
                                                            
26288 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Musicman                 



Paula saw her best friend Wade                              
Yanking his crank in the shade.                             
As he shot out his stream                                   
She yelled, "Your's makes cream?                            
My Daddies just makes lemonade!"                            
                                                            
26289 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



There was an old wanker, a Cretan,                          
Who tossed himself off to completion                        
Twice daily or more,                                        
To create on his floor                                      
An accretion of crusted secretion.                          
                                                            
26290 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



And now, you just have to smile.                            
The Cretan thought after a while,                           
The goo on the floor                                        
Would harden for sure,                                      
Cementing in his kitchen tile.                              
                                                            
26291 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Marty                    



Peter was obsessed with perfection;                         
His penis in constant erection.                             
Never settling for less,                                    
And under great stress,                                     
He dissolved in his own semen-ection.                       
                                                            
26292 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Walter Rollin            



A weak-sphinctered lecher named Drum                        
Kept dribbling small samples of come,                       
But not only that --                                        
Still wearing his hat;                                      
That's most prematurely, in sum.                            
                                                            
26293 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Armand E Singer       896



There was a young man from Crete,                           
Who could jerk himself off in the street.                   
A chemist named Kelly                                       
Collected the jelly                                         
And sold it as extract of meat.                             
                                                            
26294 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



There are few things that Nature produces                   
With the kick of man's genital juices.                      
But besides making kiddies                                  
In concupiscent biddies,                                    
The stuff has but few other uses.                           
                                                            
26295 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Grand Prix Lim  675 G1709



There was an old whore from Florence                        
Who picked up a sailor named Lawrence.                      
She fiddled and fucked him                                  
And then let loose and sucked him,                          
And his semen flowed seaward in torrents.                   
                                                            
26296 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Ten men who were shipwrecked connived                       
To find food until searchers arrived.                       
Nine had morals and pride                                   
And these poor fellows died;                                
But the cocksucker, Pierre, he survived.                    
                                                            
26297 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Albin Chaplin   3024-1252



They sent to the lab to confirm                             
What they found near a fossilized worm.                     
In fact, 'twas not quartz,                                  
'Neath those calcified shorts,                              
But ejaculate! Crystallized sperm!                          
                                                            
26298 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



The sperms that exuded, since Adam                          
Extruded Load One in his Madam,                             
Would fill the Atlantic...                                  
Though the stuff leaves 'em frantic,                        
Gals are still glad, by God, Adam had 'em.                  
                                                            
26299 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Grand Prix Lim  129 P8207



I give my sperms numbers not names;                         
It easier to yell in sex games,                             
"Go, all 300M!                                              
Get inside that femme!"                                     
Tell me that doesn't confuse the dames.                     
                                                            
26300 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Saint                    



A learned young girl of Milan                               
Said fruit has its place in God's plan.                     
And the juice is divine,                                    
But there's nothing so fine,                                
As the juice that you squeeze from a man.                   
                                                            
26301 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Albin Chaplin   3024-0267



There once was a handsome young seaman,                     
Who with ladies was really a demon.                         
In peace or in war,                                         
At sea or on shore,                                         
He certainly could dish out the semen.                      
                                                            
26302 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 L0343



Stick your pole right through this knothole;                
Some babe will make you lose control.                       
She'll milk the whole lot                                   
Of sperm that you've got                                    
And carry it off in a bowl.                                 
                                                            
26303 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Marlene Lewis            



A cynical dolly named Dunn                                  
Said, "The shot in a guy's zipper gun                       
Is ghastly:  when plastered                                 
It loads you with bastard,                                  
And fucks up what started as fun."                          
                                                            
26304 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 G1653



Big John would do squiggles and wiggles;                    
When shooting his sperm often fizzles.                      
Said his lover, "It's fun,                                  
But man, load your gun.                                     
When you come in trickles, it tickles."                     
                                                            
26305 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A mentulate bastard named Chisholm                          
Was sure he had reached the abysm,                          
For although the whore                                      
Kept asking for more,                                       
He was kokshut and clean out of jism.  (used up, worn out)  
                                                            
26306 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             A. N. Wilkins       P8801



On his honeymoon sailing the ocean,                         
The Scotsman displayed great emotion,                       
When he learned, one fine day,                              
He'd been fucking away,                                     
What could have been bottled as lotion.                     
                                                            
26307 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 L1501



An impotent fellow of Borden                                
Was accused by a lady of hoardin'                           
His spermatozoa                                             
(Although she love moa,                                     
The cute little things they were stored in).                
                                                            
26308 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Keith MacMillan       30b



A spermatozoon, all alone,                                  
Divided, and he and his clone,                              
Went forth, intramural,                                     
Not single, but plural.                                     
Together, they made a maid moan.                            
                                                            
26309 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Jim Weaver Collection    



I recall a young man of Sorel                               
Who could cause his saliva to gel;                          
And whenever he came                                        
He could just do the same                                   
With his seminal fluid as well.                             
                                                            
26310 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Keith MacMillan       45b



Enough already, you insolent little worm!                   
None of us here believe that our sperm                      
Could sell for that money;                                  
You're not even funny;                                      
You're no brighter than a muck-sucking germ!                
                                                            
26311 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Scott, found his clientele's come,                    
Would also go nicely with rum.                              
Each morning and night,                                     
He got himself tight,                                       
With the excess that oozed from his bum.                    
                                                            
26312 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Vic Johnson              



When Phil was a rentboy he'd mix                            
The semen from clients and fix                              
A salty whipped cream                                       
To pour on Jim Beam                                         
And drink it at six just for kicks.                         
                                                            
26313 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



The sight of her curvaceous bod,                            
Brought stirrings deep in my hot rod.                       
Turning purplish in hue                                     
It then started to spew,                                    
White juice from my testicle pod.                           
                                                            
26314 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



The sight of her curvaceous bod                             
Stirred not Gearhard's poor flaccid rod.                    
A deep bluish hue,                                          
His balls screamed, "For you                                
To come, Jon, requires acts of God!"                        
                                                            
26315 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



I declare that my sperm are all numbered,                   
Up to X to the power of ten hundred.                        
If I gave them all names,                                   
It would spoil all their games;                             
They prefer to come out unencumbered.                       
                                                            
26316 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Jim Weaver Collection    



An impotent person of Pekin                                 
Discovered his ballocks were leakin',                       
Which reduced the amount                                    
Of his seminal count,                                       
From millions to hardly worth speakin'.                     
                                                            
26317 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Hugh Oliver         A045A



A lady went out with young Bert                             
But he couldn't get under her skirt.                        
He said, "Do you fear                                       
A prick?  She said, "Dear,                                  
It isn't the prick -- it's the squirt!"                     
                                                            
26318 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Albin Chaplin   3024-0044



A swivel-hipped babe said, "I've found                      
Willie has the best love pole around...                     
But a lay with him? Frightful!                              
When you count on a night full,                             
His wad is all shot in one round!"                          
                                                            
26319 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Grand Prix Lim  121      



There was a young lad who, in truth,                        
Was a most seminiferous youth.                              
When he went out with whores,                               
Spunk would ooze from his pores,                            
Leaving odors that needed no sleuth.                        
                                                            
26320 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 G2221



I knew a man named Kim Doyle;                               
He knew about seeds, plants and soil.                       
He wanted to plant                                          
Seeds in my pants;                                          
That's not gardening according to Hoyle!                    
                                                            
26321 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow of endless virility,                               
If given the proper facility,                               
Can beget more damn brats                                   
Than a cat house has cats...                                
A questionable sort of ability.                             
                                                            
26322 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Grand Prix Lim  240      



In a place that was high up remote,                         
Spermatozoa were cast out afloat.                           
Climaxed from a hummer,                                     
The spunk of a cummer,                                      
Slip slide, dribble down in the throat.                     
                                                            
26323 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Goin2later               



There was a young man from Hallowing,                       
Whose tool kept on growing and growing.                     
He said, "Oh my dear,                                       
The reason is clear.                                        
It's all of the seed I've been sowing."                     
                                                            
26324 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Anon                     



Yeah, yore right about eatin' soul food;                    
An' I shore ain't a'tryin' to be crude,                     
But when she does bend,                                     
Don't go near dat end,                                      
'Cause sumthin's sure goin' ta be spewed!                   
                                                            
26325 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



There once was a chef, Mr Ross,                             
Screwed liver when he wanted to "toss."                     
It was served to a guest,                                   
Who ate it with zest,                                       
And said the best part was the sauce.                       
                                                            
26326 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young girl whose acoustical                     
Acuity matched her statistical                              
Ingenuity: from                                             
The faint squish of come                                    
She could tell the sperm-count of a testicle.               
                                                            
26327 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 G2669



That nympho, my neighbor's wife Gail,                       
Is forever at me for tail.                                  
Half the kids that girl's had                               
Should be calling me dad--                                  
Those sperm that I shoot never fail.                        
                                                            
26328 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 G1662



Some girls are resistant to frolics,                        
And care not a jot for hydraulics,                          
In which case a tissue                                      
Can soak up the issue,                                      
Relieving the ache in one's bollocks.                       
                                                            
26329 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



Near 20%, I would guess,                                    
Like those who to Lesbos profess;                           
A few who are married                                       
Or otherwise harried,                                       
And those who object to the mess.                           
                                                            
26330 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



But that still leaves 80%.                                  
Who voice no distress or dissent,                           
And eagerly frolic                                          
With both one's hydraulic                                   
And sensitive parts until spent.                            
                                                            
26331 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



Depends what lurks in one's jocks;                          
For those which need padding with socks,                    
A singular tissue                                           
Absorbs the whole issue,                                    
While others, like me, need a box.                          
                                                            
26332 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



Jim just loved to hear Victor Herbert,                      
But as he was a bit of a pervert,                           
He found late night work,                                   
As a gay soda-jerk,                                         
Putting "cream" toppings on sherbet.                        
                                                            
26333 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



A guy known as Roger the Dodger,                            
A handyman cowboy and bodger,                               
Goes plastering walls                                       
With the goo from his balls,                                
Which he spreads with the end of his todger.                
                                                            
26334 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



A fearless young spermatozoa,                               
Remarked to an ovum, "Helloa!                               
We'd make a cute foetus,                                    
But I fear she'd mistreat us,                               
By the smell of the place, she's a whoah.                   
                                                            
26335 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                 L0984



The much maligned wet spot is meant                         
To be, so please, ladies down't vent                        
And cause lots of strife;                                   
It's just part of life.                                     
With his piece a man's incontinent.                         
                                                            
26336 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Archie                   



Though other positions are sweet,                           
The "Missionary" cannot be beat;                            
For after the boff,                                         
One can always roll off,                                    
And avoid all the mess on the sheet.                        
                                                            
26337 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



Then drift into glorious deep,                              
Contented and satisfied sleep;                              
And not care a fig                                          
If one snores like a pig,                                   
Or the duvet is piled in a heap.                            
                                                            
26338 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Peter Wilkins            



In researching miscegenation,                               
This black girl made this observation,                      
"When off goes the light,                                   
There's no black or white,                                  
Excepting your ejaculation."                                
                                                            
26339 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Irving Superior     P8911



I agree of the causal connection                            
That started with someone's erection.                       
(At least in most cases,                                    
Now sperm comes in cases,                                   
For women to make their selection).                         
                                                            
26340 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN                                      



On the Brown Line before Charing Cross,                     
A trollop my knob did accost.                               
My cum she did guide                                        
Over her blouse.  When espied,                              
"Hail Britannica" now was embossed!                         
                                                            
26341 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN             Randog                   



There was a young man of Cape Town                          
Who acquired European renown                                
By sucking his come                                         
From his bugger-boy's bum,                                  
Swallowing it, and keeping it down!                         
                                                            
26342 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        G0942



So moral and righteous was Field,                           
To temptation he never would yield.                         
Sometime later in life                                      
He procured him a wife,                                     
But he found that his sperm had congealed.                  
                                                            
26343 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Albin Chaplin   3024-2044



John Miller, according to most,                             
Is pale, 'bout the shade of a ghost;                        
He sits in his kitchen                                      
Just jerkin' and twitchin'                                  
And trying to squirt cream on his toast.                    
                                                            
26344 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Travis Brasell           



A drip who delights in low vices                            
Spent a hectic weekend with the Rices.                      
In a state of elation                                       
He performed masturbation,                                  
And dribbled his sperm on the ices.                         
                                                            
26345 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        G1516



Every year I attend a square dance,                         
Women lust for us guys in tight pants;                      
So when it's all over,                                      
We screw in the clover;                                     
Last Friday I drowned fifty ants.                           
                                                            
26346 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Mark Levy           P9611



There was a young couple named Chisholm                     
Whose wedded life ended in schism.                          
When she pulled on her glove,                               
She found that her love                                     
Had playfully filled it with gism.                          
                                                            
26347 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        G2293



The furbearing hold of Suzanne                              
Has been poked at by many a man.                            
But the wads of hot semen                                   
Shot in her by he-men                                       
Are one and all flushed down the can.                       
                                                            
26348 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                       G1659a



A Scotsman once made self-abuse                             
Pay off by collecting the juice,                            
And selling the slop                                        
To a bakery shop                                            
As filling for 'charlotte russe'.                           
                                                            
26349 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        G2202



Said a thoughtful young fellow from Vale,                   
"I'm saving my sperm in a pail.                             
When cloning gets banned,                                   
I'll get the stuff canned,                                  
And put it up promptly for sale."                           
                                                            
26350 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Barry Becker             



There was a young lady tres chic                            
Who kept her hair shining and sleek                         
By rubbing it nightly                                       
With stuff that she lightly                                 
Jacked off from her beau of the week.                       
                                                            
26351 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        G2102



There once lived a man named McCourt;                       
Jacking off was his favorite sport.                         
Right up his nose                                           
He'd insert his own hose;                                   
It was his own semen he'd snort.                            
                                                            
26352 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Jim Weaver Collection    



Screamed the sizzling siren of Keeling,                     
"It's your fault, the way I am feeling!                     
Can you blame me for bitching                               
With my twat fairly twitching,                              
And you shooting at flies on the ceiling?"                  
                                                            
26353 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Grand Prix Lim  708      



A Washington page boy named Bennet                          
Began pounding his pecker and when it                       
Started to cream,                                           
He deflected the stream,                                    
And creamed every man in the senate.                        
                                                            
26354 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Michael Weinstein   P8502



A madam who ran a bordello,                                 
Put cum in her pineapple jello,                             
For the rich sexy taste,                                    
And not wanting to waste,                                   
That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.                        
                                                            
26355 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        G1489



Young Joe has a problem or two;                             
He ejaculates jizm like glue.                               
It sets hard as cement                                      
So no girls will consent                                    
To his pleas for a suck or a screw.                         
                                                            
26356 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                             



An unhappy young musical fellow                             
Complained as he fiddled his cello                          
That its rumbling vibration                                 
Impaired copulation,                                        
For what he comes now, is lime Jello.                       
                                                            
26357 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        G2009



If the seed of Man, gushing unchecked,                      
All managed to live, and connect,                           
We'd be clear up to here                                    
In new brats every year...                                  
Praise Allah they don't take effect!                        
                                                            
26358 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Grand Prix Lim   34      



On top of the whore, poor blind Pelly,                      
Begins to eject all his jelly;                              
Says she, "Try it lower                                     
And just a bit slower --                                    
You spilling your come on my belly.                         
                                                            
26359 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Armand E Singer       503



There once was a man named Sir Rick                         
Who could perform an amazing trick.                         
He'd paint on the walls                                     
By holding his balls,                                       
And pointing the end of his dick.                           
                                                            
26360 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Jennifer W          T9801



There once was a fellow from Wheeling                       
Who fondled his cock with great feeling.                    
On the knob of his cock                                     
Came a fly for a walk,                                      
And he plastered the fly on the ceiling.                    
                                                            
26361 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Albin Chaplin   3024-0640



A cold women's libber named Alice                           
Kept hubby's spent sperm in a chalice --                    
Not just for effect,                                        
Much less through respect:                                  
She'd spit in it, out of pure malice.                       
                                                            
26362 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Armand E Singer       556



There once was a young man from Seattle,                    
Who disposed of semen in a kettle.                          
When his mum came at three,                                 
And made herself tea,                                       
She said, "Darling, you've tested my mettle!"               
                                                            
26363 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Jim Weaver Collection    



A strange young chap from Calcutta                          
Played with himself in the gutter.                          
A lady passing by                                           
Got spunk in her eye                                        
And thought is was Reece's best butter.                     
                                                            
26364 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Phil Johnstone           



"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor,                        
"Go down on my dick even faster!"                           
Along came a nun                                            
To spoil all the fun,                                       
And his wad of come flew right past her.                    
                                                            
26365 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Jersey City              



A fat poxy whore from New Dehli                             
Was really incredibly smelly.                               
The reason was clear,                                       
Her men used to smear                                       
The come from their tools on her belly.                     
                                                            
26366 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Anon                     



Once a man that was named Jarrett Scott,                    
Replaced his old dick with a twat.                          
But when he changed his mind,                               
He's downhearted to find                                    
Instead of semen, he shot snot.                             
                                                            
26367 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young pansy named Scraggs                       
Who jacked off into waterproof bags.                        
He made lots of money                                       
By calling it honey,                                        
And selling in retail to fags.                              
                                                            
26368 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                             



I saved semen in a jar, which my girl hated,                
It now has curdled and separated.                           
Looks like fat on the top,                                  
And the rest is just slop,                                  
Which smells like it has stagnated.                         
                                                            
26369 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Jim Weaver Collection    



A pubescent young man of Spokane                            
When nocturnal emissions began,                             
Being ever so clean                                         
(Though he thought it obscene)                              
Would just swallow his pride like a man.                    
                                                            
26370 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Keith MacMillan     A121B



Pity the spermatozoa!                                       
His life leads him lower and lower.                         
With fear in his belly,                                     
He swims through the jelly,                                 
But seldom increases the score.                             
                                                            
26371 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        L0983



Said a teacher-researcher named Blount,                     
"There's a problem I have to surmount;                      
It's not to count sperm,                                    
Oh no, I affirm,                                            
It's to teach the young sperm how to count."                
                                                            
26372 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    Armand E Singer       701



There once was a man from Belgravia,                        
Found guilty of indecent behavior.                          
He would grab little girls                                  
And rub spunk in their curls,                               
Insisting that "Spunk makes 'em wavier!"                    
                                                            
26373 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                       G2338a



A hillbilly from West Virginia,                             
Said he'd rather splash on ya' than in 'ya!                 
With his semen acidic,                                      
Claimed one angry critic,                                   
It felt like his liquid would skin 'ya!                     
                                                            
26374 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED    DButt                    



A surly and pessimist Druid,                                
A defeatist, if only he knew it,                            
Said, "The world's on the skids,                            
And I think having kids,                                    
Is a waste of good seminal fluid."                          
                                                            
26375 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ABUSED                        L1410



A cuisinier known as Pierre,                                
Renowned for hot sperm camembert,                           
Would sell it in glasses                                    
Or, just for young lasses,                                  
Ensconced in a chocolate eclair.                            
                                                            
26376 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK                               



A bachelor named Fibber McGee                               
Said, "Marriage is never for me.                            
Instead I will wank                                         
For sperm to the bank.                                      
And for that I'll get a big fee."                           
                                                            
26377 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK                               



A sperm donor noted, "The gist                              
Of donation is all in the wrist.                            
With the proper technique,                                  
If I donate each week,                                      
I'll be making cash hand over fist."                        
                                                            
26378 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Jerry Nordal        P0301



While cuddled up under a blanket                            
With donors of sperm, you can rank it                       
A much easier task,                                         
Than in labs, with a flask.                                 
However it's harder to bank it!                             
                                                            
26379 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Prof M-G            T9712



A member of Mensa, indeed,                                  
Wished to generously share of his seed.                     
So he played with his toy                                   
Like a good little boy,                                     
And satisfied everyone's need.                              
                                                            
26380 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Theo M. Heller      P9608



The husband, unzipping his fly,                             
Told his wife, "I must leave now, goodbye.                  
Although it sounds dumb,                                    
The bank said to come;                                      
That's the Mensa Sperm Bank, it's run dry."                 
                                                            
26381 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Theo M. Heller      P9608



To join Mensa's Sperm Bank sound fine.                      
In fact the whole idea's divine.                            
If I had a smathering,                                      
A blond would be gathering,                                 
I'd certainly be first in line.                             
                                                            
26382 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Theo M. Heller      P9608



It wasn't a great big deal, was it,                         
For Mensans to come out of the closet.                      
And now when we yank it,                                    
We just go and bank it.                                     
It's such fun to make a deposit.                            
                                                            
26383 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Theo M. Heller      P9608



There once was a man known as Frank                         
Who invented a new way to wank.                             
Every time that he shot,                                    
It went straight in a pot,                                  
Which he stored in the local sperm bank.                    
                                                            
26384 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Anon                     



At the sperm bank, turnout was light,                       
So the manager said, "This ain't right!                     
We'll run ads on TV                                         
And these peckers can see                                   
Our new slot for deposits at night."                        
                                                            
26385 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Con Moore           P9208



I have no sperm I can donate, I fear;                       
What little I have I hold dear.                             
I hold out each day                                         
For the United Way;                                         
And I gave at the office last year.                         
                                                            
26386 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      John Miller 0143         



So there I was in the sperm bank,                           
Exhausted from cranking my shank.                           
When sweet nursey said,                                     
"I'll give you some head!"                                  
But all of the proceeds she drank.                          
                                                            
26387 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Randog                   



As long as you've lost your deposit,                        
Just mount her inside the broom closet.                     
The pleasure attained                                       
Cannot be explained,                                        
Through limerick verses or was it?                          
                                                            
26388 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Randog                   



The sperm bank says you're overdrawn.                       
No longer will they take your spawn.                        
You now can shoot blanks,                                   
While whacking your plank.                                  
Your tally of tadpoles is gone.                             
                                                            
26389 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Kriss Kraft              



An entrepreneurial Yank                                     
Sought donations to aid his sperm bank.                     
He achieved all his aims                                    
During Yankee home games,                                   
And that's why he's called Ballpark Frank.                  
                                                            
26390 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Jim Weaver Collection    



At the sperm bank, a lady named Gore                        
Used her wiles to attract many more.                        
When she raised up her dress                                
With ingenious finesse,                                     
The depositors came by the score.                           
                                                            
26391 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Albin Chaplin   3024-2088



When a lady asked old Doc McMozzit                          
For a child, he arrived at this posit:                      
"To the sperm bank we'll go."                               
But the lady said no;                                       
She would much prefer direct deposit.                       
                                                            
26392 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Albin Chaplin            



The ordering semen by mail                                  
For animals, they say can't fail.                           
I don't want that stuff                                     
'Cause it's not enough;                                     
By damn, I'd want the whole male!                           
                                                            
26393 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK                               



Remarked a young fellow named Frankis,                      
"A wonderful thing a blood bank is.                         
I likewise affirm                                           
The banking of sperm,                                       
When you think of how wasteful a wank is."                  
                                                            
26394 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BANK      Paul Westwood       P9607



An ascetic parochial graduate                               
Made a vow that he never would masturbate.                  
But his glans grew so firm                                  
And so loaded with sperm,                                   
That a glance was enough to ejaculate.                      
                                                            
26395 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                        G2694



The chick was impressed by my yacht,                        
So I figured I'd ravish her twat.                           
But I got so excited,                                       
I found love unrequited,                                    
When I shot a great lot on her slot.                        
                                                            
26396 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



There once was a man from Darjeeling,                       
Whom we'd often hear yelling and screaming.                 
He'd lay on his back                                        
With a clamp on his sack;                                   
He'd squirt semen all over the ceiling.                     
                                                            
26397 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



Judy cuddled my hot chimichanga                             
While I took a last hit from the bonga,                     
And I woulda got lucky                                      
If it weren't for the yucky                                 
White mess that I shot on her thonga.                       
                                                            
26398 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
No need 'cause conception would be                          
Nothing but immaculate.                                     
I always ejaculate                                          
As soon as she sits on my knee!                             
                                                            
26399 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    H Myers             T9801



At parties, a man so deranged,                              
Eyes wide at the sight of the dames,                        
Would whip it out fast                                      
And with a huge blast,                                      
Leave the hostess one hell of a stain.                      
                                                            
26400 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Bob Zmuda                



Deranged men oft sense an emergency                         
To whip it out fast with great urgency.                     
So, that's why at parties,                                  
Like those thrown at Marty's,                               
I'm never without my detergents, see?                       
                                                            
26401 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Travis Brasell           



My parties are boring and lame,                             
For I am a shy little dame.                                 
Now, don't get excited                                      
'Cause you're not invited                                   
To mess up my floor with bad aim.                           
                                                            
26402 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Marlene Lewis            



Look at that blonde over there!                             
Will you just look at that pair!                            
With legs to her chin,                                      
Just let me get in!                                         
Ooops! I'd better change underwear.                         
                                                            
26403 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Jim Weaver Collection    



Tom was a man of the night,                                 
Whose pecker was pure dynamite.                             
If you mess with his fuse,                                  
He's blast off your shoes,                                  
Then he'd blow himself clear out of sight.                  
                                                            
26404 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A man, with a whore quite appealing,                        
Pulled it out, and his spout hit the ceiling.               
Out of bed he did hop                                       
Before it could drop;                                       
Said the whore, "That's ok, it's congealing."               
                                                            
26405 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



There once was a fellow named Chad                          
Who dreamed that he was a shad.                             
He dreamed that he spawned                                  
And when morning light dawned,                              
He saw on the sheets that he had.                           
                                                            
26406 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



My pants are so tight that they grips;                      
I struggle and tug at these zips,                           
To release what I've got                                    
For your spot that's so hot.                                
And I ... damn! Down my leg it now drips.                   
                                                            
26407 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



A sturdy young man from Penzance                            
Laid both of this hands on his lance,                       
And pumped with great vigor                                 
Till grown ever bigger,                                     
It fouled the whole front of his pants.                     
                                                            
26408 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Armand E Singer       103



"Oh don't," said Amanda, "befuddle.                         
Can't you just give me a cuddle?                            
A virgin I be                                               
And too young for you... gee;                               
What a nasty wet glutinous puddle."                         
                                                            
26409 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



Dear Dudesdead, I'm knowing this feeling;                   
Just finished respraying my ceiling.                        
I know who to blame;                                        
It was that Jeanie dame,                                    
Who sent me a pic of her kneeling.                          
                                                            
26410 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



I started in bed as romancing                               
Which led to the humping and prancing.                      
I  shot  at  her  belly                                     
but missed -- hit the telly.                                
And spent the night watching 'Come Dancing.'                
                                                            
26411 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



A fellow named George from West Wheeling                    
Professed to lack sexual feeling,                           
Until a sweety named Franz                                  
Played around with his glans                                
And George shot a hole in the ceiling.                      
                                                            
26412 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



He was rapt as she slowly undressed                         
And swelled at the sight of her breast.                     
She reached for the toy,                                    
Which she hoped to enjoy,                                   
And into his jockies he messed.                             
                                                            
26413 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Steve Andersen      P0001



A man like an ancient Greek god                             
Blocked a girl from the door with his cod.                  
She grabbed it and shook it,                                
And said, "Golly! Lookit!"                                  
As his essence flew out of his rod.                         
                                                            
26414 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                        G2137



Theree was a young man who goaded                           
A traveler whose prick exploded.                            
Said he, to this day,                                       
He meant but to play;                                       
He didn't know it was loaded.                               
                                                            
26415 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A bargaining fellow named Sid                               
Was pricing a girl in Madrid.                               
After setting a fee,                                        
She said "Come with me."                                    
He replied, "It's too late; I just did!"                    
                                                            
26416 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Albin Chaplin   3024-1902



While screwing a friendly young sister,                     
I picked up a terrible blister.                             
She called it God's will,                                   
But she wouldn't keep still.                                
I prodded, she squirmed and I missed her                    
                                                            
26417 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



Brother Cubby 'twas I whom you missed.                      
(I knew not you'd tell, once you'd kissed!)                 
But it's just your luck,                                    
That you didn't pluck --                                    
Otherwise you'd have been Sisterchrissed.                   
                                                            
26418 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



That girl'd be quite wrong to kvetch                        
Or think you a hair-trigger wretch,                         
'Cause you're good for three strokes                        
On all subsequent pokes.                                    
Most chicks would think you're a great ketch.               
                                                            
26419 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Scott C                  



Did you ever read "Portnoy's Complaint"?                    
The kid there wasn't no saint.                              
When he got the feeling,                                    
His spunk hit the ceiling...                                
At my age that's something I cain't.                        
                                                            
26420 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



Last evening while watching the Telly,                      
Some  fella  gave  Nellie  some  wellie.                    
At the height of her cries,                                 
He emerged from her thighs                                  
And proceeded to dump on her belly.                         
                                                            
26421 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



Katie fondled my hard rutabaga,                             
While I finished the last of the kega.                      
And I nearly got in                                         
To her vertical grin,                                       
But most of it shot on her lega.                            
                                                            
26422 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



Two sisters I court in east Mummox                          
Accused me of being a lummox,                               
Because my dick strayed                                     
And errantly sprayed                                        
A gallon of jizz on their stomachs.                         
                                                            
26423 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Travis Brasell           



Oh Deb, as you posingly stand,                              
I feel a pulse throb in my gland.                           
Please act more demurely;                                   
I've come prematurely,                                      
And got goo all over my hand.                               
                                                            
26424 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



A young Juliet of St. Louis                                 
On a balcony stood, acting screwy.                          
Her Romeo climbed                                           
But he wasn't well timed,                                   
And when halfway up, off he went--blooey!                   
                                                            
26425 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                        L0093



Thighs parted, her pinky flesh beckoned,                    
With lushness I wouldn't have reckoned.                     
I imbibed of this fount.                                    
I started to mount.                                         
God damnit!  She come a poor second.                        
                                                            
26426 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    SFA                      



There once was a girl named Kim,                            
Who hung around boys in the gym.                            
One day she was missed                                      
And she got really pissed,                                  
So she slugged the hell out of him.                         
                                                            
26427 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



A passionate lady named Hughes                              
Once cornered a lad and did choose                          
To recline on his lap,                                      
But it caused a mishap                                      
For she found that he had a short fuse.                     
                                                            
26428 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Albin Chaplin   3024-0208



There was a young fellow named Dwight,                      
With whom I had once spent the night.                       
While rigid with lust,                                      
He forcefully thrust                                        
And carelessly shot out the light.                          
                                                            
26429 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



What slender young lad now enchants                         
With his scent, and most deeply implants                    
His cock in your twat,                                      
Where I would have got                                      
Had I not shot my load on your pants.                       
                                                            
26430 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Hugh Clary               



There was a young lover named Thor                          
Who was very impatient to score.                            
He neglected to aim,                                        
As abruptly he came.                                        
You can still see the spots on the floor.                   
                                                            
26431 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The gunslinging cowboy of old                               
Kept his weapon exposed in the cold.                        
It went off so quick,                                       
It made all the girls sick,                                 
And blued his own pistol, I'm told.                         
                                                            
26432 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY                             



There was a pop artist named Bart                           
Who said, "Feeling up Sue wasn't smart.                     
Getting Susie in heat                                       
Stirred my urgin' so neat,                                  
That I popped off before I could start.                     
                                                            
26433 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Grand Prix Lim  337      



An impatient young man of Key West,                         
When he first put his tool to the test,                     
Was impelled by such speed                                  
To get on with the deed,                                    
That he came before getting undressed.                      
                                                            
26434 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Hugh Oliver         AO35A



My sweetie and I, seeking fun,                              
Forgot 'bout my hair-trigger gun.                           
With her hand 'neath my vest,                               
She froze in her quest;                                     
"Oh Goodness! Just look what you've done!"                  
                                                            
26435 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - BLOOEY    Allen Wolverton          



It gives my ego a boost,                                    
When like a bald eagle, I roost                             
While departing your nest,                                  
Over crags of your breasts,                                 
I first burst, then your face I leave juiced.               
                                                            
26436 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



The lady that I love to hug,                                
Likes coffee, my favorite drug.                             
When I fill her cup,                                        
At me she looks up,                                         
With my spoonful of cream in her mug.                       
                                                            
26437 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Cyber Wizard             



"It's great, honey, you let me toss                         
Myself off like that," whispered Ross.                      
"So I wrote this ditty                                      
In praise of the pretti-                                    
Est face that I've e'er come across."                       
                                                            
26438 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Tiddy Ogg                



While down on her knees in a daze,                          
A young heathen girl silently prays                         
Before being anointed,                                      
Then not left dissapointed                                  
For he's spread semen over her face.                        
                                                            
26439 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL                             



The last time I visited Asia,                               
I had an adorable geisha                                    
Girl tending to me                                          
With such gusto and glee,                                   
That I jizmed all over her fascia.                          
                                                            
26440 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Peter Wilkins            



If many porn movies you watch,                              
It seems gals like juice from the crotch                    
Sprayed over their face.                                    
At least in my case,                                        
This claim I'm afraid I must scotch.                        
                                                            
26441 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Tiddy Ogg                



Young Jerry waggled his worm                                
And splattered Melissa with sperm.                          
His sticky deposit                                          
She wanted, because it                                      
Was good as her regular perm.                               
                                                            
26442 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Peter Wilkins            



I'm sure that I won't hurt your feelings                    
With a "No", but you set my mind reeling                    
For a use for your goo;                                     
Outward use sure might do                                   
As a lotion or maybe as peeling.                            
                                                            
26443 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Ulla                     



"Joanne's so emotional," wrote                              
Alfonso,  "She plays with my choat;                         
She kisses and licks it,                                    
Then in her mouth sticks it,                                
And ends with a lump in her throat."                        
                                                            
26444 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Tiddy Ogg                



"Joanne has a naive condition,"                             
Wrote Alf, "as she thinks that nutrition                    
In sperm keeps her youthful,                                
So, why now be truthful                                     
With her, since she takes that position."                   
                                                            
26445 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Travis Brasell           



While not one inclined to go braggin',                      
My johnson has all the girls gaggin'.                       
It's known as a demon,                                      
When spewing out semen,                                     
But oft on the floor it's a dragon.                         
                                                            
26446 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL                             



At last I know just what went wrong;                        
I kept both my hands on my dong.                            
And those hot creamy sprays                                 
Hit me right in the face;                                   
You need both hands when it's that long.                    
                                                            
26447 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL                             



Squirt hot buttered sauce on my face?                       
Oh hon, that would be a disgrace!                           
I savor each squirt,                                        
Like a tasty dessert,                                       
And not let one drop go to waste.                           
                                                            
26448 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL                             



A woman preferred her Lifesavers                            
Candy over any man's favors.                                
When asked what her candy                                   
Could do that a dandy                                       
Can't.  She said "Come in eight flavors!"                   
                                                            
26449 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Res Ipsa                 



My baby's like me, poor and reckless.                       
The love-gifts I give are all feckless.                     
I can't afford rings                                        
And diamonds and things,                                    
Just sometimes a lovely pearl necklace.                     
                                                            
26450 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Anon                     



"You promised the film would be tasteful,                   
And showcase my actressing graceful."                       
"Take 5!" bellowed Bart,                                    
The Director of Art,                                        
"For it's Bob's turn to give you a faceful!"                
                                                            
26451 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Peter Wilkins            



"Oh God!  Will we ever get done?"                           
"Not likely, we've hardly begun.                            
Wipe your face and take heart;                              
And Take 6!" shouted Bart,                                  
"And for fuck's sake, make out like it's fun!"              
                                                            
26452 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Peter Wilkins            



When she's finished I come in her eye,                      
Which she likes quite a bit; My-o-my!                       
She shimmies and sings,                                     
Holding my dingaling,                                       
As the gism drips down to her thigh.                        
                                                            
26453 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL                             



So just how is my favorite girl?                            
Are you ready now for a big whirl?                          
Get on your knees,                                          
If you're ready for sleaze,                                 
And I'll squirt you a new string of pearl.                  
                                                            
26454 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL                             



Having signed on today, am I dreamin'?                      
There's more overt discussion of semen,                     
Spewing forth from a tube,                                  
Mingling then with her lube,                                
Then it's lingually relished? I'm screamin'!                
                                                            
26455 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL                             



There once was a woman named Grace,                         
Who like to tit-fuck with pace.                             
Her man with blonde hair                                    
Screamed "Yeah, baby, yeah!"                                
Overshot, now there's come on her face.                     
                                                            
26456 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Steve                    



From watching porn movies, by gum!                          
I discovered I've been very dumb:                           
All women feel blessed                                      
When their titties are messed                               
And thier kissers are covered with come.                    
                                                            
26457 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    Hugh Clary               



Now you must be out of your mind,                           
'Cause nothing can beat a slow grind.                       
You don't have to race,                                     
So cool down the pace,                                      
And watch your man come from behind.                        
                                                            
26458 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    SFA                      



I've got it!  A teenager's dream!                           
The packaging?  Pink and extreme!                           
I'll eat penicillin                                         
And when she is willin' --                                  
A great disinfucktant zit cream!                            
                                                            
26459 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FACIAL    H                        



A honeymoon pair from Nantucket                             
Went to bed, and by god they did fuck it!                   
Next morning said he,                                       
"Do you feel like some tea?"                                
"No!  I feel like a billposters bucket!"                    
                                                            
26460 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                       G0071A



A cocksucking girl from Brazil,                             
Was opening wide for the kill.                              
Twitching flesh doing tangos                                
And balls big as mangos,                                    
Dispatched her, and she's flying still.                     
                                                            
26461 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



The law won't allow me to dally                             
On mountains with Hillbilly Sally,                          
Because when I do,                                          
My volume of goo                                            
Will flood the entire lower valley!                         
                                                            
26462 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



The only come gets near your bum                            
Will only be dripping down from                             
Your frontal hole,                                          
As I lose control,                                          
And fill your crotch full of hot come.                      
                                                            
26463 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



The furry, wet twat on Miss Sprott                          
Fellows find is continously hot.                            
Gallon jugs of thick semen                                  
She's saved from her reamin',                               
And to fill one of those takes a lot.                       
                                                            
26464 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                        G2517



There was a young man reading Lawrence                      
To his inamorata in Florence.                               
When they came to the page                                  
Where he fucks her with rage,                               
He flooded her guts with his torrents.                      
                                                            
26465 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                        G0107



Have y'all heard that Primrose Leigh Gooch                  
Has died after drinking bad hooch?                          
This spinster got drunk                                     
And drowned in the spunk                                    
She sucked from her flea-bitten pooch.                      
                                                            
26466 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



A decent young fellow named Herm,                           
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm.                       
The size wasn't much                                        
But the volume was such,                                    
His lovers did the backstroke in sperm.                     
                                                            
26467 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



Young Henry, intending to goose                             
Friend Robin up in his caboose --                           
Just playing the fool,                                      
He jabbed in his tool,                                      
And filled up friend Robin with juice.                      
                                                            
26468 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A wavy haired lady named Flavey                             
Got more out of screwing than Davy.                         
For when fucking was done                                   
She received half the fun,                                  
And besides, she got all of the gravy.                      
                                                            
26469 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Albin Chaplin   3024-0142



If all of the jizm and slime,                               
From the very beginning of time,                            
Were to fall in the night,                                  
Then to what sort of height                                 
Up your Wellington boots would it climb?                    
                                                            
26470 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



A man who vacationed in Vail                                
Had thought he would find easy tail.                        
But the girls were too slick --                             
They avoided his prick --                                   
So he brought home his cream in a pail.                     
                                                            
26471 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Albin Chaplin   3024-1913



A prissy young fellow from Florence                         
Considered all sex with abhorrence,                         
But a statue of Venus                                       
Agitated his penis                                          
(He spewed out his semen in torrents).                      
                                                            
26472 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Armand E Singer       357



There's hope for excitable teeners,                         
With hard-to-control loaded wieners;                        
To take care of such yechhh,                                
On a chain 'round the neck,                                 
Is a cordless li'l vacuum cleaner.                          
                                                            
26473 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



I once knew a man with a boner                              
Who wanted to be a sperm donor.                             
He rubbed his young pup                                     
Til it sprayed in the cup,                                  
So violently that it flowed over!                           
                                                            
26474 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



A plain-speaking lady named Myrt                            
Remarked as she hoisted her skirt:                          
"It ain't your long cock                                    
That gives me a shock,                                      
It's that potent emission you squirt."                      
                                                            
26475 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                       G1668a



A penis, (let's call it a dong),                            
Can be medium, or shortish, or long.                        
But however it comes,                                       
Mouths, vaginas or bums,                                    
Leaves a substance that's potent and strong.                
                                                            
26476 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Jim Weaver Collection    



A new bride who wished for a carriage,                      
Received the grooms gift with disparage.                    
He said, "Here you are.                                     
Its spunk in a ajar.                                        
My momma said save it for marriage."                        
                                                            
26477 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    H WHELCHEL               



I once knew a girlie called Liz,                            
Who was really the ultimate biz.                            
She said, "Gimme your cream;                                
It's my fetish and dream                                    
To be squirted with gallons of jizz."                       
                                                            
26478 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



He rooted around with his rooter,                           
A vigorous, vermiform shooter                               
Of pipe-cleaning squirts                                    
And clog-busting spurts...                                  
A reamy power-douche sure to suit her.                      
                                                            
26479 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



Since the days when old Adam and Noah                       
Had a corner on spermatozoa,                                
Those wee potent critters                                   
Have given girls jitters,                                   
But they keep right on begging for moah!                    
                                                            
26480 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Grand Prix Lim  936 G1697



A certain old strumpet named Frum                           
Confessed to a loathing for come.                           
"It's gooey like jelly,                                     
And thick on my belly --                                    
Reminds me what dad did to mum."                            
                                                            
26481 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Armand E Singer       700



I thought all the cum-shots were fake,                      
Far more than the gonads could make.                        
But once on the set,                                        
They summoned the vet                                       
For one actor's thirteenth retake.                          
                                                            
26482 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    SFA                      



There once was a woman named Maggie                         
Whose nipples were hard and not saggy.                      
She gave me a full-on;                                      
I had to just pull on.                                      
I filled up two jars and a baggie.                          
                                                            
26483 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED                             



President Reagan has ordered the G-men                      
To stay away from all women.                                
Under this regulation                                       
There'll be no fornication,                                 
And we'll be up to our asses in semen.                      
                                                            
26484 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Ed Wolfert          P8212



A nervous young woman in Herts                              
Complained as she hoisted her skirts:                       
"It ain't the screwing                                      
That's proved my undoing,                                   
It's that viscous emissions you squirts."                   
                                                            
26485 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - FILLED    Grand Prix Lim  576 G1668



Young Joe on the flying trapeze                             
Got aroused by his partner Denise.                          
As the crotch of his tights                                 
Split apart in the lights,                                  
He shot jizm all over her knees.                            
                                                            
26486 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The audience ducked to evade                                
Being splattered, but some were dismayed;                   
'Specially those in row 2                                   
Who got hit by the goo                                      
And were quite comrehensively sprayed.                      
                                                            
26487 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lad from Tashkent                         
Who shot semen wherever he went.                            
A spontaneous burst                                         
From the end of his wurst,                                  
Was a regular sticky event.                                 
                                                            
26488 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



It happened without any warning,                            
While eating or sleeping or yawning.                        
At work or at play                                          
Eighty-three times a day,                                   
Every afternoon, evening and morning.                       
                                                            
26489 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



It seemed he just couldn't prevent                          
These explosions and came to resent                         
Them. On busses and trains,                                 
He left regular stains,                                     
Which dried harder than builders cement.                    
                                                            
26490 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



He preferred walking 'round in the rain                     
Getting wet, so the permanent stain                         
On the front of his pants                                   
Would make nobody glance,                                   
When he shot a new load once again.                         
                                                            
26491 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The changing his shorts was a chore;                        
It was something his did maybe for-                         
ty or more times a day.                                     
If he had to delay,                                         
They got harder than concrete for sure...                   
                                                            
26492 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



...Needing hammer and chisel to prise                       
Them away from his dick and his thighs,                     
Which took patience and care                                
And a constant aware-                                       
ness, a good steady hand and sharp eyes.                    
                                                            
26493 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Now this problem he'd had for some years                    
And if often reduced him to tears.                          
For despite his enjoyment,                                  
He could not get employment,                                
Because of the stains and the smears.                       
                                                            
26494 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



In a film pornographic and blue                             
He had found part-time work, it is true.                    
But they fired him when women                               
Complained they were swimmin'                               
In hundreds of gallons of goo.                              
                                                            
26495 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Then he went to Doc Peter, M.O.                             
Who examined his parts down below,                          
Before saying "Your knob                                    
Is designed for the job                                     
As a tester of condoms, you know."                          
                                                            
26496 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



So he ran without stopping to think,                        
To the Featherweight Rubber Co, Inc.                        
Where he jizzemed some more                                 
On the seventeenth floor,                                   
Till it looked like an ice-skating rink.                    
                                                            
26497 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The Personnel Officer said,                                 
As he skidded and fell on his head,                         
"We've a testing machine                                    
But your obviously keen,                                    
So I guess we could use you instead."                       
                                                            
26498 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



"Oh, thanks," said the lad from Tashkent,                   
"I would sure like to help you invent                       
Prophylactics so tough                                      
And elastic enough                                          
To be stretched to enormous extent."                        
                                                            
26499 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



But his pleasure at landing the job                         
Proved too much for his quivering knob,                     
For it started to itch                                      
With a regular twitch,                                      
Which increased to a juddering throb...                     
                                                            
26500 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



...Until it exploded, KABOOOM!                              
In the Personnel Officer's room;                            
An amazing event                                            
But I fear that it sent,                                    
The poor lad of Tashkent to his doom.                       
                                                            
26501 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



After watching some porno-type movies,                      
I'm no longer like sexual newbies,                          
Who don't know that a chick                                 
Would rather a dick,                                        
Shoot its load on her face and her boobies.                 
                                                            
26502 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Hugh Clary               



My god, man!  You've made me feel better,                   
So much so, I'll not send this letter                       
Extending regret,                                           
(I'm now in your debt!)                                     
For splashing her glasses and sweater!                      
                                                            
26503 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



There once was a woman from Worms,                          
Who had preoccupation with germs.                           
To avoid contamination,                                     
Used artificial insemination,                               
But insisted they boil all the sperms.                      
                                                            
26504 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Puff Adder               



They got sperm from an old bum,                             
Whose balls were pickled in rum.                            
Boiling did kill a few,                                     
But most made it through,                                   
And managed to get the job done.                            
                                                            
26505 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Navin                    



The sexy young porn star was dreamin',                      
'Bout all of the gallons of semen,                          
Those white gushing flows,                                  
That all of her shows                                       
Had triggered from wimps, pervs and he-men.                 
                                                            
26506 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



And then, in her dream, she had died.                       
St Peter came, took her aside,                              
"This vat here, (don't squirm,)                             
Is filled with the sperm,                                   
Jacked-off 'cause of you, ere you died."                    
                                                            
26507 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



She looked at the huge vat of slime.                        
"Oh Pete, do you think it a crime?                          
And for my perversion,                                      
I pay with immersion,                                       
In that till the end of all time?"                          
                                                            
26508 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Pete beckoned, impassive of face:                           
"We've one other vat in this place,                         
That holds more than yours;                                 
Go back through those doors;                                
We've got to fill up that last space"                       
                                                            
26509 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



"That bitch, Linda Lovelace, my pet,                        
Has caused more ejaculate yet.                              
Given more demonstrations,                                  
Caused more masturbation,                                   
I can't let St Mark win our bet."                           
                                                            
26510 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



She woke with a start, looked askance,                      
"St Pete gave me one final chance!"                         
So come on, all you wankers,                                
As St Peter's bankers,                                      
Get out there and watch Debbie dance.                       
                                                            
26511 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Semen is a cure for diseases;                               
From shakes and the pox and the wheezes,                    
To gout and arthritis                                       
And conjuntivitis;                                          
I milk every cock that I seeses.                            
                                                            
26512 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Smith                    



I store the excess in Baggies,                              
In a drawer in my fridge next to haggis.                    
It keeps there for days                                     
And saving it pays,                                         
'Cause the best thing it cures is the saggies!              
                                                            
26513 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Smith                    



The web TV dude strikes again...                            
His sofa's all sticky with stain.                           
But soon his bitch dog                                      
Will lick off the spog,                                     
And wait for the next creamy skein.                         
                                                            
26514 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



Like Hardy's young heroine, Tess,                           
A girl in a state of undress,                               
Should go, so the druids                                    
Can spray her with fluids                                   
They get from... I'll leave you to guess.                   
                                                            
26515 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



A Druid I questioned in vain;                               
He smiled and said something arcane.                        
Just heard the words "rope",                                
"Ankles", "nipples" and "grope"                             
So I guess what they're planning's, profane.                
                                                            
26516 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
Whose orgasms filled up a bucket.                           
The women all wore                                          
Full wet suits and more,                                    
But still they were skittish to suck it.                    
                                                            
26517 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



Then along came Rosetta Schwartz,                           
A gold medallist in sexual sports.                          
"When he comes, I won't move!"                              
Which indeed she did prove,                                 
By swallowing eight or nine quarts.                         
                                                            
26518 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



The judges all gave her a ten.                              
Not a drop ran down her chin.                               
Rosetta, so pleased,                                        
She dropped to her knees;                                   
"For my encore I'll do it again."                           
                                                            
26519 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



A lonely old fellow is Bert. In                             
His bedroom he twitches the curtain                         
And looks through his glasses                               
At nubile young lasses,                                     
And uses a bucket to squirt in.                             
                                                            
26520 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



A bucket a week he gets through,                            
And he keeps them downstairs in the loo.                    
He lets none go to waste                                    
And makes wall-paper paste                                  
With it. That's what he does with his goo.                  
                                                            
26521 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



A sperm doesn't cry when he falls,                          
Even splattered on floors and on walls.                     
Where ever he's spent,                                      
A sperm is content                                          
Just to get the hell out of your balls.                     
                                                            
26522 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   MrMalo                   



Every word that you say is quite true:                      
I have seen what those little guys do.                      
They jump and they lean,                                    
Wiggle through gabardine,                                   
Lest those tightening balls turn bright blue.               
                                                            
26523 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   MrMalo                   



Do your sperm carry halos and wings?                        
Are they feisty and fertile wee things?                     
When you've had a stiff drink,                              
And you enter a mink,                                       
Do they hobble out wearing their slings?                    
                                                            
26524 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Jayne                    



My sperm, they have Halos and Wings,                        
But let's not Harp on Heavenly things.                      
I don't drink and screw;                                    
That simply won't do;                                       
Booze weakens my sperm's innersprings.                      
                                                            
26525 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



My dictionary doesn't explain;                              
I tried to look it up in vain.                              
What is this about?                                         
Can you help me out?                                        
"Jism" can drive you insane.                                
                                                            
26526 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tjarda                   



It affects many women that way;                             
They search for it all night and day.                       
It takes over the mind                                      
But it's easy to find.                                      
A lack of it's worse, I must say!                           
                                                            
26527 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Lynn                     



There was a young man of Cadiz                              
Whose nickname was Billy the Whiz,                          
On account of the speed                                     
He can finish the deed                                      
And the singular fizz of his jizz.                          
                                                            
26528 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



He was with me on Hogmanay night      (Scottish New Years)  
And I knew it would all be alright                          
When the bubbly was gone,                                   
Because Billy's great horn                                  
Made us plenty -- and I got quite tight.                    
                                                            
26529 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Lucy                     



A batchelor named Fibber McGee                              
Said "Marriage is never for me.                             
Instead I will wank                                         
The sperm to the bank,                                      
And for that I will get a big fee.                          
                                                            
26530 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Mulqueen                 



"Big fee?"  Can it be?  I'm curious --                      
In college I wanked fast and furious,                       
Just making enough                                          
For textbooks was tough;                                    
Earning dorm fees was downright injurious.                  
                                                            
26531 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   John Miller              



The unfortunate Fibber McGee,                               
While wanking, got stung by a bee.                          
He looked at his knob;                                      
Cried, "From me this will rob                               
My considerable sperm bank fee."                            
                                                            
26532 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Mulqueen                 



The nurse at the sperm bank said "Fibber!                   
I see that you knob is much bigger.                         
So big and so red,                                          
My!  You I would wed!"                                      
Said Fibber, "You are a gold digger!"                       
                                                            
26533 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Mulqueen                 



Fibbers red knob, it did heal;                              
He returned to his wanking with zeal.                       
But the spurting was little;                                
Not very much piddle.                                       
And the foreskin, not easy to peel.                         
                                                            
26534 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Mulqueen                 



He lamented the great loss of money;                        
Fibbers future was not looking sunny.                       
Then he felt a great urge                                   
And with a great surge,                                     
He spurted a half ton of honey!                             
                                                            
26535 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Mulqueen                 



Fibber no longer is wanking;                                
He is very much now into banking.                           
The considerable dosh                                       
Lets him eat the best nosh,                                 
And the little old bee he is thanking.                      
                                                            
26536 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Mulqueen                 



Are his named like some that I've heard,                    
With names like "Sperm Charles the Third"?                  
Or are they just numbered,                                  
Or quite unencumbered,                                      
And travel along in a herd?                                 
                                                            
26537 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



Perhaps I should see for myself;                            
I am such a curious elf.                                    
I'll interview his                                          
Own personal jizz;                                          
The sperm in a jar on his shelf.                            
                                                            
26538 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



My hound dog grew large eating snacks,                      
And slept in a shed with few cracks.                        
Old Peck is his nick,                                       
He finds game real quick...                                 
We marvel how well Pecker tracks.                           
                                                            
26539 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



A dog that can track game so good,                          
Will chase sticks when he's in the mood.                    
But he wouldn't fetch beech,                                
Neither oak, ash or peach.                                  
I wonder what wood pecker would.                            
                                                            
26540 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old woman from Leeds,                          
Who planted her husband's white seeds,                      
Down deep in her row                                        
Just so they would grow;                                    
But now her row is full of weeds.                           
                                                            
26541 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Travis Brasell           



But when the sun rose, just a-beamin',                      
It warmed up the trench full of semen.                      
And up came the sperm                                       
On the head of a worm.                                      
The old woman thought she was dreamin'.                     
                                                            
26542 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Jeanie                   



He wrote to his mistress .. "I miss you;                    
I'm aching to hold you and kiss you.                        
To prove that I do                                          
I'm enclosing the goo,                                      
I collected last night in a tissue."                        
                                                            
26543 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



She answered, "Hon. I miss you too,                         
I'm lonely and just feel so blue.                           
To prove that I do,                                         
I'm enclosing the goo,                                      
From the guy I pretended was you."                          
                                                            
26544 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



Peter, this problem of yours                                
Comes from consorting with whores...                        
Their venereal schmutz                                      
Crept down to your nuts,                                    
And killed off your jizzimyy stores.                        
                                                            
26545 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tutta Gioia              



Did Daddy not tell you "Safe sex                            
Is essential and no What-the-hecks!"?                       
Now with vesicles shot,                                     
Balls starting to rot,                                      
A cloister's the choice for such wrecks.                    
                                                            
26546 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tutta Gioia              



I looked in the freezer one night                           
And saw a most unnerving sight...                           
An ounce of my semen                                        
Behind the ice cream 'n                                     
When asked, she replied "Well I might...                    
                                                            
26547 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tutta Gioia              



Just want to get preggers one day,                          
When you're dead or just out of the way...                  
So go have a wank,                                          
Then stop at my bank,                                       
And deposit your sperm in a tray.                           
                                                            
26548 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Tutta Gioia              



If catastrophe comes and we've need,                        
We'll have stacks of that old gummy seed.                   
And a nation of brainy                                      
Young limmers with stainy                                   
Atlases, and lap-lust we'll breed.                          
                                                            
26549 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Lucy                     



"This is Sperm Lab," she said with a smile.                 
"The specimen goes in this vial.                            
Please give us a sample;                                    
Make sure that it's ample.                                  
The Playboys are there in that pile."                       
                                                            
26550 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Irish                    



The attendant locked doors fore and aft,                    
Shucked drawers, and handled his shaft.                     
Said, "Sorry, Mrs. Doddle                                   
But we have no bottle --                                    
You'll just have to take what's on draft."                  
                                                            
26551 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



There's KY there for a lube,                                
And she pulled the door closed on the rube.                 
He smacked it and beat it,                                  
But couldn't complete it;                                   
The stopper was stuck in the tube.                          
                                                            
26552 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Irish                    



I send you this manky old tissue                            
All stiff with last Saturday's issue,                       
And Friday's and Monday's                                   
And Tuesday's and Sunday's                                  
And Thursday's to prove I still miss you.                   
                                                            
26553 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



So what about Wednesday's, eh Matt?                         
You had better not tell me, you rat,                        
That you did it with Nora,                                  
Penelope, Dora,                                             
Melissa, Miranda or Pat.                                    
                                                            
26554 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



Well, now that you mention it, Lorna,                       
And driven me into a corner,                                
I'd better confess                                          
That I did it with Bess.                                    
And soon after with Flora and Fauna.                        
                                                            
26555 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES                            



In a sandlot beside Puget Sound,                            
We boffed doggie style on the mound.                        
Hurled by ejacultate,                                       
She flew over the plate;                                    
The backstop was rent and she drowned.                      
                                                            
26556 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Randog                   



I too, shot a wad with a wallop                             
Into Trudy, my very first trollop.                          
The force of my blast                                       
Put her hip in a cast,                                      
And thereafter she walked with a lollop.                    
                                                            
26557 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Randog                   



The force of hydraulic propulsion                           
Accompanying jism expulsion,                                
Flung Kate fifty feet                                       
And her snatch was replete                                  
With my turbo-charged viscous emulsion.                     
                                                            
26558 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Randog                   



I shant of your yarns doubt their truth,                    
But I, when once sucked by Miss Booth,                      
Exploded my wad                                             
So hard it, by God,                                         
Just blew her damn head to Duluth!                          
                                                            
26559 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



When girls get on top, it's appealing,                      
But I have to be frank in revealing                         
That the burst of the loads                                 
When my musket explodes,                                    
Might well bounce their heads off the ceiling.              
                                                            
26560 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Randog                   



Whenever a lass squats and pumps                            
My shotgun, alertly she jumps                               
Away, since she knows                                       
That when the thing blows,                                  
Its blast will fell trees -- leaving stumps.                
                                                            
26561 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Travis Brasell           



When I'm horny, my scrotum's so bloated                     
That often my balls have been noted                         
To produce such a plethora                                  
Of liquid, together a                                       
Large ship and its crew could be floated.                   
                                                            
26562 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Hugh Clary               



Flo gave my cocked pistol a tease                           
Then polished the barrel with ease.                         
With sensual vigor,                                         
She pull my hair trigger.                                   
Her entrails now hang from the trees.                       
                                                            
26563 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Randog                   



I can't decide who wins the prize,                          
For telling the best of these lies.                         
'Cause all four of you                                      
Know that a good screw                                      
Has nothing to do with cock size.                           
                                                            
26564 EXCRETIONS - SEMEN - ZSERIES   Carol                    



Urinals of some shapes and sizes                            
Can oft cause one nasty surprises;                          
However one slashes                                         
They viciously splashes,                                    
One back down the front of one's trisers.                   
                                                            
26565 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



There's no loo in the house where I dwell;                  
You cannot detect any smell.                                
So when we have to go,                                      
If you really must know,                                    
The neighbors do know us quite well.                        
                                                            
26566 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



A well-to-do Polack was Schnops --                          
The shithouse he lived in was tops --                       
A two-holer converted,                                      
Like new, he asserted,                                      
And the basement was leased to some Wops.                   
                                                            
26567 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Phil Cannibal       P8908



Don't go through my bathroom drawers, please!               
Though these new ones open with ease.                       
The stuff that falls out                                    
Would cause you to shout,                                   
"Good Hell!  The poor woman's a sleaze!"                    
                                                            
26568 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Marlene Lewis            



A Rochester lass who's named Karen                          
Found toiletry choices quite barren.                        
When she wanted to pee,                                     
She'd go down on one knee,                                  
Behind bushes that were barely apparent.                    
                                                            
26569 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Anon                     



"Just what are you doing, Herr Strauss?"                    
The queen asked while doffing her blouse.                   
"I'm shaving my face,"                                      
He said to her grace.                                       
"You'll have the best seat in the house."                   
                                                            
26570 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           World Bst Drty Lims P0101



The lightning that came down the wall,                      
Knocked Mrs. Jones out in the hall.                         
Threw her off the pot,                                      
But I think she got                                         
Her pants up before the fire call.                          
                                                            
26571 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



I awoke last night in my bed,                               
With a grandiose scheme in my head.                         
For ascending Mt Everest,                                   
But it wasn't my cleverest,                                 
So I went to the bathroom, instead.                         
                                                            
26572 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Graham Lester            



If importance of structures we trace;                       
For worship we build a strong case.                         
But the way we have reckoned,                               
Cathedrals come second,                                     
For the shithouse will take the first place.                
                                                            
26573 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Albin Chaplin            



A Latvian cleaner called Clitt,                             
Takes care of the odor of shit.                             
Just pour in a cap                                          
After taking a crap,                                        
Brush, flush, and swirl, that is it!                        
                                                            
26574 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Anon                     



Advice from a sailor named Ted;                             
"Take care when you use the ship's head;                    
It's for turds and for pees                                 
But in real stormy seas,                                    
You're apt to fall in it instead."                          
                                                            
26575 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Armand E Singer       595



When the fates are determined to spoil it,                  
There's never a human can foil it;                          
Like, an item that's dropped                                
In the bathroom will opt                                    
To always fall down in the toilet.                          
                                                            
26576 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



The farmer his horses had haltered                          
And went to the privy, but faltered.                        
When he lost all control,                                   
He fell into the hole,                                      
And he found that his future was altered.                   
                                                            
26577 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1202



Whenever your brain turns to mush,                          
Just sit there, say nothing, yes, hush!                     
And if you're in doubt                                      
Of thoughts that leak out,                                  
Reach back, grab the handle, and flush.                     
                                                            
26578 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Travis Brasell           



Said Mary, the outspoken hen:                               
"Those cubicles feel like a pen."                           
"The rest rooms for ladies,"                                
Say Joans, Jills and Sadies,                                
"We want urinals just like the men."                        
                                                            
26579 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



A men's room frequented by girls?                           
Those adorable creatures with curls?                        
I think we should know                                      
Where this men's room is so                                 
We can visit and see what unfurls.                          
                                                            
26580 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



I once knew a girl called Sue                               
Who once got stuck to the loo.                              
It was such a sight                                         
To see her in her plight,                                   
As I had smothered the seat with glue.                      
                                                            
26581 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



While sitting down here on the seat,                        
Your pants fallen down to your feet,                        
You hope that the smell                                     
Doesn't travel too well,                                    
Not wanting to be indiscreet.                               
                                                            
26582 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Jim Weaver Collection    



At first, I did not deprecate,                              
But must I just wait, wait, and wait?                       
So please leave the john                                    
And do it anon.                                             
Thirty minutes to just defecate?                            
                                                            
26583 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Jim Weaver Collection    



It's fish and chips that's the blame.                       
Fry fat floats on water.  The same                          
for greasy old turds.                                       
But mark now my words:                                      
It's best to set floaters aflame.                           
                                                            
26584 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           H Welchel                



There was a poor fellow named Rake                          
Who fell through the hole in a jake;                        
Deep immersed in wet turds,                                 
He cried, "It's for the birds!                              
Sweet God! If this don't beat the cake!"                    
(jake must be version of john - McW)                        
26585 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Armand E Singer       576



In his septic tank fell Mr. Hurd;                           
And his wife fell in too, how absurd.                       
In their will they had stated                               
That they should be cremated,                               
But it seems that they both were interred.                  
                                                            
26586 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Albin Chaplin   3024-1208



A desperate fellow named Pitt                               
Went into the men's room to sit.                            
But his squirms in the stall                                
Produced nothing at all,                                    
Except for this fragment of wit.                            
                                                            
26587 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Paul R Chernoff          



A plumber I'm certainly not;                                
At carpentry I'm not too hot.                               
I can't fix your drains;                                    
I don't have the brains.                                    
You'll just have to keep your old pot.                      
                                                            
26588 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



At the office, a fellow named Ewing,                        
His boss out of work he was screwing.                       
On the toilet he'd sit                                      
Simply taking a shit,                                       
For there he knew what he was doing.                        
                                                            
26589 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2035



I find anniversaries neat;                                  
I read them when making excrete.                            
I learn something new                                       
While pinching a poo,                                       
But laughter incurs a wet seat.                             
                                                            
26590 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           H                        



When you get up off of this seat,                           
With your trousers still down by your feet,                 
Look down in the bowl                                       
And be a good soul.                                         
Use the brush and leave the place neat.                     
                                                            
26591 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Bob Mornington           



Photography is what I do,                                   
When I'm not in this limerick stew.                         
But I've been heard to mutter,                              
As I click off my shutter,                                  
"Oh Damn! Left my film in the loo!"                         
                                                            
26592 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Jim Weaver Collection    



This hot little babe's in the queue                         
That's lined up to satisfy you.                             
She's gonna be mad                                          
Because she's been had --                                   
She thinks it's the line for the loo.                       
                                                            
26593 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



A man who lived in a loo,                                   
Had a head all covered in poo.                              
He'd have a quick brush                                     
As the toilet went flush,                                   
But he didn't take kindly to spew.                          
                                                            
26594 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Bezz                     



On the can is a good place to read                          
The verse of the limerick breed,                            
Since they often contain                                    
A disgusting refrain;                                       
It's a natural setting, indeed!                             
                                                            
26595 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Cap'n Bean          P9812



Now 15-odd miles of rough road,                             
Ain't good when you're gonna explode...                     
We're back now from town,                                   
But the car seat is brown;                                  
I think I must find a commode.                              
                                                            
26596 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



It's very distressing to me                                 
To only have one place to pee.                              
So company's out                                            
Because they all pout --                                    
The half-bath has no door, you see.                         
                                                            
26597 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



In order to shorten the stasis                              
And avoid wearing painful knee braces,                      
Do not read magazines                                       
When you visit latrines;                                    
Shit, wipe and see how the time races!                      
                                                            
26598 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Jim Weaver Collection    



No matter which language you speak,                         
Refrain from attempting to peek,                            
With a curious glance                                       
Towards another man's pants,                                
At the urinals, taking a leak.                              
                                                            
26599 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Cap'n Bean          P9911



There was an old man of Dundee                              
Whose bowels were not very free.                            
They gave him a mixture                                     
Which kept him a fixture                                    
For weeks on the W.C.                                       
(W.C. - water closet, British for toilet)                   
26600 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



The outhouse on my grampa's farm                            
With two holes, was cozy and warm.                          
It was there we sat                                         
To visit and shat                                           
And not once did we come to harm.                           
                                                            
26601 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Marty              TP9807



The dame was a poor round-heeled bimbo;                     
As she stood there, her arms were akimbo:                   
Her coin in the slot                                        
For the use of the pot,                                     
Made her wish that she'd practised the limbo.               
                                                            
26602 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Anon                     



I employed a Lee, a young plumber,                          
To fix all my plumbing last summer.                         
Switch the boiler on,                                       
It flushes the john.                                        
When sat on, this is a real bummer.                         
                                                            
26603 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Kitty                    



These chalets 'de necessite'                                
Improved in a quite basic way,                              
(Many vents, so I've heard),                                
By a great Royal Turd,                                      
Will be opened on Saint Swithin's Day.                      
                                                            
26604 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                               G1382



I'd like to write big words like you,                       
But I'm afraid I know but a few.                            
These limericks seem dotty,                                 
As I sit on my potty.                                       
Don't believe me?...then pull up a pew.                     
                                                            
26605 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



I've done it -- what a sensation!                           
The perfect limerickal creation.                            
Painstakingly slow,                                         
The making did go;                                          
Now my toilet needs resuscitation.                          
                                                            
26606 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Gearhart           TP9807



This girl who, I think, was a Russian,                      
Turned red and was actually blushin'.                       
The door was unlocked,                                      
And she was unfrocked.                                      
When I barged through the door, she was flushin'.           
                                                            
26607 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Jim Weaver Collection    



If you are a Polack type Pole,                              
The tissue goes over the roll.                              
So if it goes under,                                        
To offset the blunder,                                      
You sit upside down on the bowl.                            
                                                            
26608 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Irving Superior     P8909



On this toilet seat I must sit                              
And I try hard to just take a shit.                         
Reading crap on the walls,                                  
Scraping crabs off my balls,                                
The good life - you know, this is it!!!                     
                                                            
26609 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Jim Weaver Collection    



When one eats those foods that are hot,                     
Take heed of the one tip I've got:                          
Beware of your colon,                                       
Whenever you're strollin';                                  
You shouldn't stray far from the pot.                       
                                                            
26610 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Jim Weaver Collection    



I once tried the door to the 'loo,                          
But 'twas locked, so I kicked it right through.             
Seems 'twas a bad plight.  I                                
Got wood in my right eye.                                   
My name?  'Tis Ahmed Abou Bou.                              
                                                            
26611 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Liam na Beag             



Before you go trying Kung Fu,                               
On poor helpless doors, my friend, you                      
Should obviate crying                                       
From debris that's flying,                                  
By wearing mask, goggles, gloves too.                       
                                                            
26612 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Tiddy                    



If you learned your Kung Fu from the Matrix,                
By loading your brain, ere you tried kicks,                 
You may realize the door                                    
Is not real, and that your                                  
Pain is just stimuli electronics.                           
                                                            
26613 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Joschi                   



I know of the Matrix, oh Joschi,                            
Though the Reload, I have yet to go see.                    
But try as I may,                                           
The door's still in my way!                                 
'Tis fiction that doors are a "no be".                      
                                                            
26614 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Liam na Beag             



I've finished re-painting my loo                            
In a mixture of yellow and blue.                            
Many thanks for advice,                                     
But I dropped the paint twice,                              
And I'm stuck to the seat now like glue.                    
                                                            
26615 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



Here's scatological wit,                                    
When in an outhouse you sit.                                
In case you're the type                                     
Who after you wipe,                                         
Looks down to survey the ... pit.                           
                                                            
26616 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Bob Birch           P9806



Historians never will quit                                  
Praising accomplishments that fit.                          
For man's comfort, like Crapper,                            
Whose toilet is dapper                                      
And a good way to get rit of shit.                          
                                                            
26617 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Dad                      



May the fame of Archduchess Eliza                           
Outlive that of Pope and of Kaiser!                         
She has placed a pierced chair                              
In the pissotiere;                                          
Now one's bowels need no longer play miser.                 
                                                            
26618 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                               G1381



TO LET, said a sign in Shanghai                             
At a place I'd guess no one would buy.                      
And those who replied                                       
Would never abide                                           
By a TOILET sign, missing the "I".                          
                                                            
26619 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8704



Would bawdier verse be more fitting?                        
Shall I mimic what I read while sitting?                    
In a booth all alone                                        
On a porcelain throne,                                      
Twitting, clitting, and titting?                            
                                                            
26620 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



Through the hole Grandad dropped a half-buck,               
And then swore "Dammit! That's just my luck!"               
He tossed in a crisp fin,  (slang for five dollar bill)     
Rolled his sleeves, reached right in,                       
Saying "NOW it's worthwhile stirring muck."                 
                                                            
26621 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS                                    



She screamed as he opened the door.                         
He in turn began to implore.                                
"If coyish are you                                          
When using the loo,                                         
Well dearest, that's what locks are for."                   
                                                            
26622 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Swings             TP9806



Miss Nomer and Miss Anthropy                                
Crossed their legs while they queued for a pee.             
Said Charity, "Dearest,                                     
I think I am nearest."                                      
Anne Anthropy raised her Uzi...                             
                                                            
26623 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Lucy                     



Said Wilbur Wright: "Oh, this is handy,                     
But Orville, you must understand, we                        
Have discovered all right,                                  
The secret of flight --                                     
The question is -- where can the can be?"                   
                                                            
26624 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Arthur Deex         P9911



It used to be my understanding                              
That a minute is fixed, not expanding.                      
But it's not cut and dried:                                 
It depends on which side                                    
Of the locked bathroom door you are standing.               
                                                            
26625 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           H Myers                  



A most innocent tourist named Dan                           
Used a bidet he thought was the can;                        
He shifted his gigot       (leg of lamb)                    
To turn on the spigot,                                      
And that's when the shit hit the fan.                       
                                                            
26626 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Armand E Singer       749



Sitting on the toilet's for thinkers                        
(Also for too-much-Guiness drinkers),                       
But the one thing I've found                                
(And my research is sound)                                  
Is the ones that smell worse, are the sinkers.              
                                                            
26627 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS           Cheryl                   



Their marriage had moved to a SCISSION;                     
She was no longer "Love's Vision."                          
While he evermore                                           
Would wet bathroom floor,                                   
'Cause he couldn't pee with precision.                      
                                                            
26628 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Chris Papa               



Relieved after heaving and strain,                          
And flushing it all down the drain.                         
Ain't it faintly absurd                                     
When a solitary turd                                        
Bobbles up to the surface again.                            
                                                            
26629 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Peter Wilkins            



Your feces is no calling card,                              
To leave here in piles by the yard.                         
If the bowl's brown and spotty,                             
Use the brush by the potty.                                 
You're booted if you disregard.                             
                                                            
26630 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   TuttaGioia               



My toilet now requires a clean,                             
As you can see where I've been.                             
All around the bowl                                         
Where I missed the goal;                                    
To some, it would look obscene.                             
                                                            
26631 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Funny Bone               



This little throne we call our own                          
And we try to keep it neat.                                 
So please be kind                                           
With your behind,                                           
And don't shit on the seat.                                 
                                                            
26632 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY                            



Our halfbath is covered in scrawls,                         
Graffiti's all over its walls.                              
We ask every guest                                          
To give it their best,                                      
But please just to write in the stall.                      
                                                            
26633 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Karen                    



There's a box full of pens on the tank;                     
You'll read clever things while you wank.                   
There's a limerick or two                                   
To read while you poo.                                      
No fan though, so sometimes it's rank.                      
                                                            
26634 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Karen                    



With a sigh, said a stately old dean                        
(Respectable, bearded and clean),                           
"Long ago, when still youthful,                             
I would write, to be truthful,                              
Obscentities in the latrine."                               
                                                            
26635 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Isaac Asimov             



If the toilet has a brown ring                              
When you're finished doing your thing,                      
Use the brush; get brushing.                                
The sight is disgusting.                                    
Your praises that trail won't sing.                         
                                                            
26636 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Gearhart                 



How many times must I tell you,                             
To wipe the seat when you're through!                       
If you cannot refrain                                       
From causing light rain,                                    
Then the key to the bathroom, I'll lose.                    
                                                            
26637 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Anon                     



To sit on a hospital toilet,                                
One must take the seat off and then boil it,                
To kill off the germs,                                      
And wash off the sperms,                                    
And other foul stuff that may soil it.                      
                                                            
26638 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Jayne                    



Your limerick brought to the fore                           
The things behind the toilet door.                          
It's truly disgusting                                       
To imagine them crusting,                                   
And dripping on down to the floor.                          
                                                            
26639 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Jayne                    



If your seat is never in sync,                              
Smarmy with man-piss and stink,                             
You just nail it down,                                      
And turn him around.                                        
Better he piss in the sink.                                 
                                                            
26640 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   H Whelchel               



If you use this pot, heed my word.                          
(Although some may find it absurd.)                         
You've cleaned up your tush?                                
Then USE THE DAMNED BRUSH!                                  
The rest shouldn't look at your turds.                      
                                                            
26641 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Rusty Smith              



In the restroom, the walls are real slick;                  
It will take the starch out of your dick!                   
Most graffiti don't last;                                   
They just slide down the plast-                             
er; the floor is where nothin' won't stick!                 
                                                            
26642 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY                            



Been locked in the outhouse all day,                        
'Cause Pa locked the door all the way.                      
I'm up to my knees                                          
In spiders and fleas;                                       
I can't even kneel down to pray.                            
                                                            
26643 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY                            



Leave it, my friend -- be so smart --                       
Just as clean as when you did start.                        
First you flush, flush and flush;                           
If it fails, use the brush.                                 
Leave it a guess: shit or fart?                             
                                                            
26644 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Jesper Sloth             



I've heard of this floating turd caper;                     
You want it to vanish to vapour.                            
But it keeps coming back,                                   
So just give it a whack,                                    
And flush it with some toilet paper.                        
                                                            
26645 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Jayne                    



Parsely will give you the runs,                             
Unless its been blest by the nuns,                          
Or by an old monk.                                          
Many toilets have stunk                                     
'Cause people have shat tons and tons.                      
                                                            
26646 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   Anon                     



I live in a house that has got                              
Some things that working are not.                           
I flush the loo                                             
To get rid of my poo,                                       
But it keeps floating back to the top                       
                                                            
26647 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY                            



If your shit is sticky old mush --                          
So tacky it barely will flush --                            
And clings to your hole,                                    
And sticks to the bowl,                                     
For Christ's sake, USE THE DAMNED BRUSH!                    
                                                            
26648 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - DIRTY   H WHELCHEL               



No matter how much you do flush,                            
That thing that came out of your tush                       
Just keeps going round;                                     
But some TP I've found,                                     
Will do wonders to give it a push.                          
                                                            
26649 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Arden                    



At home, in the toilet you'll find me,                      
Having printed the page you assigned me;                    
As I hold it before me,                                     
I confess that you bore me,                                 
So, soon I will have it behind me.                          
                                                            
26650 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Hugh Clary               



A collection of stories absurd                              
Is known as the Lord's Holy Word.                           
But a much better use                                       
For the Good Book abstruse                                  
Would be cleaning up splatters of turd.                     
                                                            
26651 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Albin Chaplin   3024-0960



I was told that in Turkey, the loo                          
Has no TP, so what do you do?                               
There's a sponge and a bowl                                 
Full of water (how droll)                                   
For a wet-wipe right after you poo.                         
                                                            
26652 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Barbara Tepper           



My Goodness! That technique is awesome!                     
For messed cracks -- just wash 'em and floss 'em.           
But what would you do                                       
If some nut before you,                                     
When through with the sponge, would just toss 'em?          
                                                            
26653 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Travis Brasell           



In other lands, bathrooms are funny;                        
For paper you first must pay money.                         
If you can't buy a bit                                      
Before you go shit,                                         
Your ass will be smelly and runny.                          
                                                            
26654 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Michael Weinstein   P8604



There once was a gal from Mizzoo                            
Who cried, "What's a woman to do?                           
The cat, with its caper,                                    
Shredded all the T-paper,                                   
And I can't reach the spare from the loo!"                  
                                                            
26655 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



A drunk staggers to confessional,                           
Opens door, as priest waits sessional,                      
But when nothing's said,                                    
Priest takes in his head                                    
That he should act quite discretional.                      
                                                            
26656 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Daniel Ford              



The priest just coughed, took a breather;                   
Still no response, which made him a seether.                
When he knocked at crate:                                   
"No use knockin', mate.                                     
There's no paper in this one either!"                       
                                                            
26657 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Daniel Ford              



A wee, PARSIMONIOUS Scot                                    
Said, "Since a nice clothesline we've got,                  
Let's not in our haste                                      
Toilet paper waste,                                         
When the wind can dry out the lot.                          
                                                            
26658 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Chris Papa               



When camping and Charmin you lack,                          
Experience has proven this fact:                            
Using holly by golly                                        
May be utter folly,                                         
But IT sure beats poison sumac.                             
                                                            
26659 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



You finish with a push and a groan;                         
You're sitting there high on the throne,                    
When you turn and see                                       
There's no paper T.                                         
What's worse is you're home all alone.                      
                                                            
26660 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Azul                     



I know and you just want to sob,                            
When you've done one heck of a job;                         
Now listne Azul,                                            
You need by your stool                                      
A dry Southern-style old corn cob! (two red, one white)     
                                                            
26661 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Travis Brasell           



I'm familiar with this sordid mess;                         
It's happened to me, I confess,                             
At a petrol stop loo.                                       
What was I to do?                                           
I washed at the basin, God bless.                           
                                                            
26662 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Liam na Beag             



Of course, there was also no soap,                          
So my left hand had slime and no hope                       
Of being inside                                             
The rest of the ride.                                       
I was feeling that I was a dope.                            
                                                            
26663 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Liam na Beag             



In chivalrous days long ago,                                
When paper one had to forego,                               
The grass one employed;                                     
Although not enjoyed.                                       
It had to have helped the grass grow.                       
                                                            
26664 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Matthew Montchalin       



Old man Rabelais once did declare,                          
That for ass-wipe, there's nothing so fair                  
As the neck of a goose,                                     
But don't let him get loose,                                
Lest his beak gets you hung like a mare!                    
                                                            
26665 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



Good old Rabelais chanced to peruse,                        
For an arse-wipe, what's optimum use?                       
He said: "Folks, I do swear,                                
Nothing else can compare,                                   
With the soft, downy neck of a goose!                       
                                                            
26666 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



I've told you girls once not to sob                         
When there's no TP there for the job;                       
Now here's my advice:                                       
The crack wipe device                                       
You need is a trusty corn cob.                              
                                                            
26667 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Travis Brasell           



No ass-wiping paper had Solly,                              
He decided thus, in his folly,                              
To make use of leaves                                       
As in Adam and Eve,                                         
But he wished that he hadn't used holly.                    
                                                            
26668 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Tiddy Ogg                



You reach out, there's no paper there.                      
In panic you search for a spare.                            
But the kids took their toll;                               
There isn't a roll.                                         
What to do now's a scary affair...                          
                                                            
26669 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   John Miller 0304         



There's only one thing left to do,                          
While sitting in that stinky loo:                           
Just pull off your sock                                     
To clean out the schlock,                                   
Then shove it right back in your shoe.                      
                                                            
26670 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Pilar                    



Oh No! Why spoil a good shoe;                               
Here's a way you can clean up that poo:                     
Take your underwear off,                                    
(It makes a good cloth)                                     
Then leave the whole mess in the loo.                       
                                                            
26671 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Barbara Tepper           



When your sphincter nips off the last issue,                
And you reach for a handful of tissue,                      
And then comes the dawn --                                  
The last sheet is gone! --                                  
"Oh tissue, do I ever missue!!"                             
                                                            
26672 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Grand Prix lim   46      



For the union the rules were first class                    
As the leaders new terms did amass.                         
Though a man could still sit                                
And take time for a shit,                                   
He did not have to wipe his own ass.                        
                                                            
26673 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Albin Chaplin   3024-1992



The ruble has lost its old clout;                           
It's enough to make everyone pout...                        
The cost of T.P.                                            
For a family of three,                                      
Just wipes the whole lot of them out.                       
                                                            
26674 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   OgniGioia                



For the Russians, I think I have found                      
A solution that's basically sound.                          
If TP is scarce,                                            
Then don't wipe your arse;                                  
Just wear some shorts that are brown.                       
                                                            
26675 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Puff Adder               



A nearsighted drunkard named Dan                            
Found a church in his search for the can.                   
The priest in confession                                    
Heard this indiscretion:                                    
"Any paper on your side, old man?"                          
                                                            
26676 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Don Moore           P9305



Here's a good rule to live by:                              
Of tissue, keep ample supply --                             
It's not just benign                                        
That from your clothes line,                                
You Hang T.P. out to dry.                                   
                                                            
26677 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Tuttagioia               



Bathrooms have points of contention:                        
Direction of roll dissension --                             
From back or from front,                                    
The end you must hunt,                                      
It's off in a different dimension.                          
                                                            
26678 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Darryl                   



Toilet paper's expensive for sure,                          
So newspapers have their allure.                            
I've got just the one!                                      
I'll send them the "Sun",                                   
'Cause its contents are mostly manure.                      
                                                            
26679 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Jayne                    



The "Sun" in one's bum?  Are you sure?                      
Tell me exactly what you're                                 
Against.  Is it smut?                                       
That gets men to rut?                                       
I'd have thought there the Sun had allure!                  
                                                            
26680 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   TuttaGioia               



I'm papering walls in the loo,                              
And quite frankly, I haven't a clue;                        
For the pattern's all wrong,                                
Or the paper's too long,                                    
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.                      
                                                            
26681 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Peter Wilkins            



There was an old soldier named Schmitt,                     
Took a trip to the can for to shit.                         
To his epic despair                                         
No paper was there,                                         
So he simply continued to sit.                              
                                                            
26682 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                       L0738



Mr. Spooner, my printer is swell;                           
It prints like a bat out of Hell.                           
And for toilet paper                                        
I use my patch scraper;                                     
But it doesn't absorb very well!                            
                                                            
26683 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Al Willis           T9710



There was a professor named Whithouse,                      
Who lived in a fine and a fit house.                        
Reader's Digest he kept                                     
In his room where he slept,                                 
And Playboy he kept in the shithouse.                       
                                                            
26684 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Albin Chaplin   3024-2384



The scamp who stole Jan's private journal                   
Had something in mind most infernal.                        
She sobbed, "My oh my!"                                     
And she left it to dry                                      
When she fished it up out of the urinal.                    
                                                            
26685 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Tarazed                  



I hope you have plenty to read;                             
Now what will you want for this deed?                       
With this terrible turd                                     
It might sound absurd,                                      
But "The Times" is what you will need.                      
                                                            
26686 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



Leaves are the worse wipe outside;                          
Tried nettle and cursed 'til I cried.                       
When clingers must linger,                                  
Those times, I just finger,                                 
But freshly shot squirrel's the best ride.                  
                                                            
26687 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Tiddy Ogg                



Some say that their tails are too soft                      
And oft times the fur will rub off.                         
To de-fuzz your ringer,                                     
Just pull the old finger,                                   
And blow the debris cleanly off.                            
                                                            
26688 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Jodi                     



A masochist, old Henry Kettle,                              
When holly is short, oft will settle,                       
To carefully pick,                                          
Then wrap round his dick,                                   
The foliage from stinging-type nettles.                     
                                                            
26689 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



Your loo tissue prize may I tout                            
As a moving award beyond doubt.                             
Paper issues, you know,                                     
Have struck bottom and so                                   
This helps those who risk being wiped out.                  
(in response to a toilet paper prize from Pentatette)       
26690 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Bob Giandomenico    P9101



The view from the outhouse was dandy,                       
But the paper was No. 2 sandy;                              
Said the cowboy, "Don't grieve;                             
I'll wipe on my sleeve,                                     
Which is softer, but somewhat unhandy."                     
                                                            
26691 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There once was a woman named Dotty,                         
Who kept my book next to her potty.                         
It has saved her on tissue,                                 
So I'll send the next issue,                                
With the promise 'twill be just as naughty.                 
                                                            
26692 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Bob Birch           P0107



Old Cooper's Droop Bertha from Kitts,                       
Had a terrible case of the shits.                           
'Twas a horrible vapor                                      
And she had no paper,                                       
So she just wiped has ass with her tits.                    
                                                            
26693 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Jim Weaver Collection    



A Brown Bear in the woods took a shit;                      
He was cunning with plenty of wit.                          
He looked for some grass                                    
To wipe off his ass,                                        
Because clingons offended a bit.                            
                                                            
26694 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



Just then came a furry rabbit,                              
For the purpose of having a shit,                           
Said the bear "lovely day"                                  
and the rabbit said "yea",                                  
And they chatted on for a bit.                              
                                                            
26695 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



Now our bear being a wily old shit,                         
Said, "Mr Rabbit, to your fur does shit stick?              
When the rabbit said "no",                                  
The bear lifted our beau,                                   
And wiped off his ass with the twit.                        
                                                            
26696 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER                            



An old country yokel named Bob                              
Would gnaw all the corn off the cob,                        
Then he'd dry out the ears                                  
For the family rears --                                     
It sure enough did a fine job.                              
                                                            
26697 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Armand E Singer       995



His fatidious brother-in-law                                
Said, "You're crude and it sticks in my craw;               
Why in hell do you linger?                                  
Use your right index finger;                                
Then you wipe off the mess with some straw."                
                                                            
26698 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Armand E Singer       996



A much younger fellow named Draper,                         
Who gags at the hint of a vapor,                            
Said, "You're both quite disgusting;                        
You old farts need adjusting,                               
Sear's catalogs make the best paper."                       
                                                            
26699 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Armand E Singer       997



His girl wed a fellow named Potts;                          
When they get a case of the trots,                          
No finger, no cob,                                          
No Sear's does the job:                                     
It's soft bathroom tissue from Scott's.                     
                                                            
26700 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - PAPER   Armand E Singer       998



When I'd forget to leave the seat down,                     
My sweetheart wore a permanent frown.                       
I found a solution;                                         
No more revolution,                                         
I just go out and piss on the ground.                       
                                                            
26701 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP                          



When a guy has to go take a piss,                           
What really annoys me is this:                              
The seat is left high,                                      
Now come on, don't be shy!                                  
To just leave it down, would be bliss!                      
                                                            
26702 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Jayne                    



Leaving the seat down may be sweet,                         
But it means that I soak the seat.                          
It would really be great                                    
If I could pee straight,                                    
But most times I just wet my feet.                          
                                                            
26703 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP                          



I was already thirty three                                  
When we wed, my true love and me.                           
I figured I'd miss                                          
My singular bliss,                                          
But I knew we'd live happily.                               
                                                            
26704 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Karen                    



He dotes on my every desire;                                
He'd walk through flood or a fire,                          
But he leaves up the seat                                   
When he's taken a leak --                                   
It's a flaw they all seem to acquire.                       
                                                            
26705 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Karen                    



Nothing makes any impression;                               
There's no way to teach him a lesson.                       
I've thought on it much,                                    
Disliking to touch                                          
The seat that he's made such a mess on.                     
                                                            
26706 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Karen                    



Much less, to walk through the splatters;                   
Do they think that shaking it matters?                      
Where does it splash,                                       
When they jiggle the last?                                  
On the floor where I pitter my patters!                     
                                                            
26707 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Karen                    



But the concept that they just won't get                    
Because they infrequently sit:                              
"When you lift the seat UP,                                 
Put it DOWN so my butt                                      
Won't fall in and get soaking wet!"                         
                                                            
26708 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Karen                    



This problem is easy to fix                                 
With one of those feminine tricks.                          
Pad, thickly, the cover,                                    
The seat will just hover,                                   
Then slam when we're through with our dicks.                
                                                            
26709 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Karen                    



Ladies, they will miss the point,                           
Their own heads, they want to annoint.                      
They need their own bath,                                   
I've done the math.                                         
No matter, they'll piss up the joint!                       
                                                            
26710 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Karen                    



Women always say men should be                              
Thoughtful of them after they pee.                          
"Put zee seat down, ach tung!                               
If you don't, you'll be hung!"                              
Why don't you PUT IT UP for me?                             
                                                            
26711 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Gearhart                 



She complained when the seat wasn't down,                   
And called me a mannerless clown;                           
But when, on the top,                                       
She found a wee drop,                                       
That also soon gave her a frown.                            
                                                            
26712 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP                          



To me, the objection seems silly,                           
And how does her fanny get chilly?                          
Seems the ones with the tits                                
Should look, 'fore they sits,                               
And not raise their voices so shrilly.                      
                                                            
26713 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP                          



What's the deal with this toilet-seat crap?                 
If we don't put it up, there's a flap.                      
Leave it up, and we get,                                    
A new lecture yet.                                          
Either way, we'll be in for a rap.                          
                                                            
26714 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Bluebird                 



Well I tend to leave the seat down;                         
It's better than cleaaning the ground,                      
And easier on me                                            
For scrubbing the sea,                                      
Cause I have to wash up the town.                           
                                                            
26715 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Vladdus Mpale            



Decisive denoument, Waterloo,                               
Is just like the sleepy woman who                           
Sank in the bowl deep,                                      
Shocked out of her sleep,                                   
When men left the lid up in the loo.                        
                                                            
26716 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - SEAT UP Daniel Ford              



I sit in this room drinking tea.                            
It's late and now I gotta pee.                              
The door is unlocked                                        
Guess I shoulda knocked --                                  
But, you all should see what I see!                         
                                                            
26717 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



The ladies room is filled with men!                         
They're acting like pigs in a pen.                          
They're rooting around                                      
Looks like one has found                                    
Enough mops and buckets for ten.                            
                                                            
26718 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



I don't think that soap ought to talk.                      
At dancing men's undies I gawk.                             
A tough singing beard                                       
Is overly weird.                                            
I do not want my food to walk.                              
                                                            
26719 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



There once was a man in a pumpkin,                          
Who had nothing to take a nice dump in.                     
So he carved a nice crack;                                  
Now he calls his house, "Jack,"                             
And his neighbors all call him "Bumpkin."                   
                                                            
26720 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES ClaraBlue                



The man took a wife in the pumpkin,                         
And she became known as his rump kin,                       
Because they would rut                                      
In just one place, but                                      
He still called her his cuntry bumpkin.                     
                                                            
26721 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES ClaraBlue                



Those strange looking toilets in town                       
(Sort of circular) cause me to frown.                       
For the doors automatically                                 
Open erratically,                                           
Just as you're squatting right down.                        
                                                            
26722 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Caught short in the town yesterday;                         
Did my business; could not get away,                        
For the door stuck; oh shit --                              
Tried to hide but got hit                                   
By that needle-sharp self-cleaning spray.                   
                                                            
26723 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Here's what makes me want to holler --                      
Pay toilets get me hot under the collar!                    
I try crossing my legs,                                     
While I hopelessly beg --                                   
"Does anyone have change for a dollar?"                     
                                                            
26724 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



There was an old man from Orleans                           
Who sprouted a bulge in his jeans.                          
He'd walk in the park                                       
Till long after dark,                                       
But he couldn't locate the latrines.                        
                                                            
26725 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES H Welchel                



So that's who I saw in the brush;                           
That hissing sound was a big gush                           
Of water for weeds                                          
Or poisoning seeds.                                         
And the jerk did not even flush.                            
                                                            
26726 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Marlene                  



I like to lim but, pity!                                    
I can offer no cute little ditty.                           
So I'll sit on the "throne"                                 
And sulk all alone,                                         
'Til I have produced something shitty.                      
                                                            
26727 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES C Anton                  



The loo is a place where it's hushed;                       
Where thoughts can be pondered unrushed.                    
So stay there to read                                       
And don't try to speed                                      
Away when you're feeling quite flushed.                     
                                                            
26728 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Travis                   



The toilet has no space to hide                             
My dong, so this here's what I've tried:                    
Fling over your shoul-                                      
der and into the bowl                                       
Of the wash basin standing 'longside.                       
                                                            
26729 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



I got me an over-sized bowl                                 
To keep that hard chill off my pole.                        
But still, when I'm lit,                                    
And after I sit,                                            
I stand while I deep cast and troll.                        
                                                            
26730 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Heather has gone to the shower;                             
She soaps her self for half an hour.                        
Her family's in pain                                        
As she hogs the sole drain;                                 
In the hall, they wait and they cower.                      
                                                            
26731 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Squat                    



Now she doth dry off her hair                               
On her legs, she applies oily nair.                         
Her family is moaning                                       
Their bladders are groaning                                 
This one bath, the poor family shares.                      
                                                            
26732 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Squat                    



Friends, welcome here to our abode,                         
Our bathroom has passed the health code,                    
Though, to our lament,                                      
There is an odd scent,                                      
From Heather, there, on the commode!                        
                                                            
26733 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Observer                 



Oh Lord, let this bathroom be blessed                       
With freshness for each passing guest.                      
May they always have papers,                                
Never suffer from vapors,                                   
And remember to leave fully dressed!                        
                                                            
26734 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Brian Belge              



Consider this bathroom, please do,                          
Right now while you're sat on the loo.                      
(And note while you're seated                               
How well the seat's heated                                  
And how ergonomical too.)                                   
                                                            
26735 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



The bath? That's no bath, why excuse me;                    
It might look quite quaint, but it's new see?               
I bought it last week,                                      
A converted antique                                         
Mid-Victorian whirlpool jacuzzi.                            
                                                            
26736 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



It matches the washbasin made                               
Of onyx, ceramic and jade,                                  
With fitments of gold                                       
I'm reliably told;                                          
Though it seems that they've faded a shade.                 
                                                            
26737 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



The wallpaper, note, is Art Deco;                           
Its sound-proofed design absorbs echo                       
Which saves you the blushes                                 
Of multiple flushes                                         
Or screams (if you're bit by a gecko).                      
                                                            
26738 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



Now look at the carpet awhile                               
And ponder the depth of the pile;                           
It really ain't meant                                       
For the regular gent                                        
Who oft misses by more than a mile.                         
                                                            
26739 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



But never mind that; are you done?                          
You finished whate'er you begun?                            
Now flush it and if                                         
There's still rather a whiff                                
Will you please use this aerosol gun.                       
                                                            
26740 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



When life has you totally pissed,                           
You feel you don't want to exist,                           
Turn inwards your wrath,                                    
Go take a hot bath,                                         
With razor blade slit at your wrist.                        
                                                            
26741 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Young Heather is having a sloosh;                           
She's using the shower as a douche;                         
Her legs are wide open                                      
For soapin' and gropin'                                     
And moanin' and groanin' and .. whoooshh!!                  
                                                            
26742 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Here's Heather, a-straddling the bidet,                     
She's not had a lover since D-day.                          
She's stripped in the bars,                                 
Flashed titties at cars,                                    
And now the girl's trying on E-Bay.                         
                                                            
26743 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Now this bathroom I created with pride,                     
As a place where Heather could hide.                        
The bath is inviting,                                       
The shower exciting,                                        
Safe to show her kinky cute side.                           
                                                            
26744 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



If ever you're short of good loos,                          
There's several methods to choose:                          
One: wait till it clogs,                                    
Then saw off in logs;                                       
And two: if too runny and loose...                          
                                                            
26745 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



The trick, if you've run short of paper,                    
You wait till it's all turned to vapor,                     
Then taking great care                                      
To avoid singing hair,                                      
You light the stuff off with a taper.                       
                                                            
26746 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



I went to the john in John's Gym,                           
Where I'd gone to get agile and slim.                       
But there, strange enough,                                  
Was a girl in the buff:                                     
Ninety pounds (counting muff) stripped for Jim!             
                                                            
26747 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES John Miller              



She was waiting, she said, just for Jim,                    
But who gives a damn about him?                             
Ninety pounds may be small                                  
But she fit in the stall                                    
Very nicely with me in her quim!                            
                                                            
26748 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES John Miller              



Now, I do just hate to be mean,                             
But think, if you mean to be clean,                         
Not to come to this troupe                                  
'Cause our little group                                     
All have minds like an oversexed teen.                      
                                                            
26749 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES John Miller              



In a research site at the South Pole,                       
Spartan living would test a stout soul;                     
Minus ninety, ouside!                                       
Glad the privy's inside!                                    
But it sure would not suit Old King Cole!                   
                                                            
26750 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



On a bench was just one toilet seat,                        
O'er an ice cavern carved out so neat;                      
If you shone a strong light,                                
Down, you saw such a sight!                                 
Frozen pile of what guys did excrete!                       
                                                            
26751 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



In the ice-pile were tokens of grunting;                    
T.P. hung in festoons, just like bunting;                   
Here and there, did adorn,                                  
Yellow kernels from corn;                                   
Such a stalagmite folks were confronting!                   
                                                            
26752 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



As this spear grew, no ifs, ands, or buts,                  
If you sat there it froze off your nuts;                    
Down the seat with a bat,                                   
They would whack that cold scat;                            
When it tumbled, the sound chilled your guts!               
                                                            
26753 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Then, guys sat in comfort, 'til when                        
The brown stalagmite grew up again;                         
Then they'd give it more pokes,                             
With some old, ribald jokes;                                
Yes, amusement was scarce in that den!                      
                                                            
26754 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES                          



Now you may find it sublime                                 
To read in the loo, but now I'm                             
Inclined just to think                                      
It raises a stink,                                          
And thus, should be called 'wasting time!'                  
                                                            
26755 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Travis Brasell           



"Wasting Time?"  You still have to go!                      
So why not just read while you flow?                        
I don't sit too long,                                       
'Cause that would be wrong;                                 
I wouldn't want my piles to grow!                           
                                                            
26756 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Brian Belge              



A loo visit when made in haste,                             
Or even one done when slow-paced,                           
Regardless of which                                         
For poor folks or rich,                                     
Is time when we all go to waste.                            
                                                            
26757 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Travis Brasell           



A lady when wanting to crap,                                
Had misread the lavatory map.                               
There she was in the gents,                                 
But she made recompense,                                    
By letting them sit on her lap.                             
                                                            
26758 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Chris Lilley             



The gents they responded with glee,                         
Though they had come inside for a pee.                      
Her titties they felt                                       
As they undid their belt,                                   
And got a thrill, not cheap, but free!                      
                                                            
26759 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Chris Lilley             



A lady misreading directions,                               
Thus causes us geezers deflections,                         
And difficulty                                              
In the aiming of pee,                                       
On account of quite sudden erections.                       
                                                            
26760 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



And frankly I'd rather not sit                              
On her lap while she's taking a shit;                       
Though I'd ask for a hand                                   
With my stiffening gland...                                 
In the cause of good aim, I admit.                          
                                                            
26761 EXCRETIONS - TOILETS - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



The three A.M. bladder relief                               
Is joy that is beyond belief.                               
Small pleasures like this                                   
Must make up for bliss;                                     
Life passes, and time is the thief.                         
                                                            
26762 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Larry Davis         P8509



Some women just couldn't be gladder                         
Than when nature empties their bladder.                     
The reason you see                                          
Is once they do pee,                                        
There's room for a meaty Puff-Adder.                        
                                                            
26763 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



There was a young lady of Feems,                            
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.                       
A friend poked around                                       
And a fly button found                                      
Wedged tightly in one of her seams.                         
                                                            
26764 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 L0700



A star-crossed old fellow named Lee                         
No longer is able to pee.                                   
This must mean a lot                                        
To Lee, like as not,                                        
But hardly one damned thing to me.                          
                                                            
26765 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Jim Weaver Collection    



In researching miscegenation,                               
This Chinese made her obervation,                           
"When you take a pee,                                       
You're the same race as me.                                 
So let's have some cohabitation."                           
                                                            
26766 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Irving Superior     P8911



Well I woke with the best of intention;                     
Had a wank just to clear sexual tension.                    
So I let out my jizz                                        
And a half-pint of piss,                                    
Now I'm soaked...should have chosen retention.              
                                                            
26767 EXCRETIONS - URINE             F Ormatsee               



A misfortunate miser named Benny,                           
Of fluids could never take any.                             
For his urinary tract                                       
An opening it lacked,                                       
And never could he spend a penny.                           
                                                            
26768 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Raceway                  



As recounted to me by Sir Lancelot,                         
Armored knights don't like wetting their pants a lot.       
If it happens that we                                       
Really HAVE to go pee,                                      
We just cross our ankles and dance a lot.                   
                                                            
26769 EXCRETIONS - URINE             John E Mayhood           



There was a young man from Turin                            
Who had sugar galore in his urine,                          
Which made him right handy                                  
For makers of candy,                                        
And he got paid extra for stirrin'.                         
                                                            
26770 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1475



When pain of a pee comes to spoil it,                       
We'd lessen the strain if we'd oil it;                      
If not we will work                                         
To make the pee perk:                                       
No wonder it's called a damn 'toil'-et!                     
                                                            
26771 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



The weather when I was aged three,                          
Was so cold it even froze the sea.                          
The firemen were brave                                      
And fought keenly to save                                   
The dogs that were froze to the tree.                       
                                                            
26772 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Tiddy Ogg                



To a fancy dress ball went young Lee;                       
He was dressed to appear like a tree.                       
He was met at the ball                                      
By some dogs in the hall,                                   
And they gathered around him to pee.                        
                                                            
26773 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2157



A prissy young girl named Melissa                           
Shut the powder-room door...A loud hissa...                 
Then a screech!  And a hush...                              
She was caught in the flush,                                
And Heaven knows all of us missa!                           
                                                            
26774 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Grand Prix Lim  824 G1428



In the morning the village was creepy;                      
The squaws and the braves, they were weepy.                 
For the poor chief, you see,                                
Had drunk gallons of tea,                                   
And they found he had drowned in his tea pee.               
                                                            
26775 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2525



Many souls lie asleep in the deep.                          
They lie there as though they're asleep.                    
And that way they'll stay                                   
Until Judgement day,                                        
Embalmed in the liquid we've peed.                          
                                                            
26776 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Irving Superior     P9512



To come to the words of a sage,                             
"ENURESIS is bane of old age".                              
You're purchased a pal,                                     
Portable urinal.                                            
It simply fills one with wet rage.                          
                                                            
26777 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Naz                      



Now if you have dreams in the night                         
That make you desire the foresight                          
To piss 'fore you fucked,                                   
Just get some "Tape, Duct".                                 
(And fasten your condom real tight.)                        
                                                            
26778 EXCRETIONS - URINE             H Whelchel               



As entropy overtakes me,                                    
It still seems to work when I pee.                          
Flaccidity reigns,                                          
In spite of the pains                                       
One takes so that no one will see.                          
                                                            
26779 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Larry Davis         P8511



A doctor whose name was Thackery                            
Was sued for cryogenic quackery.                            
The patient for a week                                      
When she took a leak,                                       
Pissed nothing but frozen daiquiri.                         
                                                            
26780 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Tom Patton          P9504



Relief that will bring me a smile                           
Occurs only once in a while;                                
That's taking a leak                                        
In a urinal chic--                                          
It's what I call going in style.                            
                                                            
26781 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Norm Storer         P9312



This weirdo outside Montreal                                
Had to pee in a pot in the hall.                            
As he stood there, said he,                                 
"I've a problem, you see,                                   
With this huge unpre-emptible ball!"                        
                                                            
26782 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Keith MacMillan       46d



There was an old man of Fort Lee,                           
Exceedingly anxious to pee;                                 
And the crowd gave a shout                                  
As he splashed it about.                                    
There was an old man -- it was me!                          
                                                            
26783 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Hugh Oliver         A081A



Mary Murphy had drunk with a sheikh,                        
For what seemed the best part of a week.                    
Gurgling, "I'm full, I think,                               
To the edge of my brink,                                    
Pardon me while I go take a leak."                          
(If I had any more, why I'd leak!)                          
26784 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Best Irish Jokes    P9608



There was an old lady of Chistlehurst,                      
Who before she could pee, had to whistle first.             
One day in June,                                            
She forgot the tune.                                        
(Wolf whistle) and her pisser burst.                        
                                                            
26785 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 L0686



A bashful young fellow named Harrison                       
Found peein' in public embarrassin'.                        
In the army, he near                                        
Held it in for a year,                                      
Till it burst out and drowned the whole garrison.           
                                                            
26786 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



Now Harry just didn't appear                                
As someone who had much to fear.                            
Built burly and strong --                                   
Except for his dong.                                        
He sure liked it being in arrears.                          
                                                            
26787 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Lightbulb                



There was an old man from Dubuque                           
Whose claim to renown was no fluke.                         
He could piss in his ear                                    
Till it shot out his rear --                                
A sight that cause some folks to puke.                      
                                                            
26788 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Armand E Singer        69



A young biochemist named Dan,                               
Always followed his nose to the can.                        
He judged people best                                       
By the urinal test,                                         
As to race, and to sex, and to clan.                        
                                                            
26789 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 L0690



Oh what, oh what can it be?                                 
The symbol for water at sea                                 
Is just H2O;                                                
That we all know.                                           
But on fire hydrants, it's K9P.                             
                                                            
26790 EXCRETIONS - URINE             TuttaGioia               



Ladies compete while reclining;                             
Their high, floodlit streams intertwining...                
They vary the pressure                                      
Per musical measure,                                        
For a dance of bright lights serpentining.                  
                                                            
26791 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Tutta Gioia              



A silly young virgin named Mary                             
Who watched her pudenda grow hairy,                         
Remarked in high glee:                                      
"Now I fizz when I pee!                                     
A pastime I do like to vary."                               
                                                            
26792 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1426



A little girl walked up to me,                              
And said to me, "I have to pee!"                            
So whip out your potty,                                     
And let me be naughty,                                      
Or else I will pee on thee!"                                
                                                            
26793 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



There was a young man who said, "Who                        
Will show me the way to the loo?                            
For I must have a piss;                                     
In addition to this,                                        
I'm just itching to masturbate too."                        
                                                            
26794 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                G1378a



A vulgar old fellow named Petri                             
Has canine habits excretory.                                
Every night after dark                                      
He visits the park,                                         
And lifts up his leg at each pee-tree.                      
                                                            
26795 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G2719



When a mare's feeling overly amorous,                       
She pees with a force that's quite clamorous.               
Though I'd never tell friends,                              
I think in the end,                                         
A mare's urine smells very glamorous.                       
                                                            
26796 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Actaeon                  



A fellow in high society                                    
Always speaks with great delicacy.                          
Everyone understands,                                       
Though he says, "Wash my hands,"                            
He goes to the men's room to pee.                           
                                                            
26797 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Lims for Erudite    P0402



A fellow in high society                                    
Always speaks with great delicacy.                          
Everyone must suppose                                       
Though he says, "Powder my nose,"                           
He goes to the men's room to wee.                           
                                                            
26798 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Arthur Deex         P0402



A fellow in high society                                    
Always speaks with great delicacy.                          
Everyone knows that the schtup                              
Though he says, "Freshen up,"                               
He goes to the gent's vis-a-vis.                            
                                                            
26799 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Arthur Deex         P0402



Young men in raw puerile state,                             
Think sex is the only thing great.                          
But as age advances,                                        
"To hell with romances,                                     
It's great when IT can micturate!"                          
                                                            
26800 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Chris Papa               



It's fun when THAT organ can be,                            
The site of extreme ectasy.                                 
Nirvana, much later,                                        
A pleasure much greater,                                    
Is knowing IT's able to pee.                                
                                                            
26801 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Chris Papa               



A nine for the likes of dear me,                            
Is he puts the seat up to pee.                              
I get red as a beet                                         
Upon a wet seat;                                            
And what is a ten? Glory Be!                                
                                                            
26802 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Robyn                    



Fire hydrants, it's EZ2C,                                   
R nothing I NV2B.                                           
4 they hold H2O,                                            
But B41 can flow,                                           
A K9 will MN8P.                                             
                                                            
26803 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Jerru Nordal             



There's a young man I know from Manchuria                   
Who sufferes persistent nocturia,                           
But he cares not a jot,                                     
Ties his dick in a knot;                                    
Next morning he pisses con furia.                           
                                                            
26804 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Jim Weaver Collection    



An agressive young girl of Spokane                          
Was determined to pee like a man,                           
But when put to the test,                                   
She responded at best,                                      
As a woefully poor also-ran.                                
                                                            
26805 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Keith MacMillan     A120D



There once was a dude, name of Dan,                         
Who lived in an old dumpy van.                              
And you'll have to agree,                                   
After squatting to pee,                                     
That he wasn't too much of a man.                           
                                                            
26806 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Rich H                   



Cried Mother, "Why children, you're late!                   
You know I serve dinner at eight,                           
So get into your seat                                       
And be sure that you eat                                    
Every carrot and pea on your plate."                        
                                                            
26807 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Albin Chaplin 3024  P9505



Perhaps you should not be so smug.                          
While a puppy is good for a hug,                            
It can't quite replace                                      
A beautiful face,                                           
And most girls won't pee on your rug.                       
                                                            
26808 EXCRETIONS - URINE             MrMalo                   



He was raised in a jungle, 'neath trees                     
By a family of dogs -- Pekinese!                            
With great jubilation                                       
He found civilization,                                      
But he still lifts one leg when he pees.                    
                                                            
26809 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



Grandpa's dick is undoubtedly fickle,                       
Like a typical shriveled old pickle.                        
For whenever he                                             
Feels the urge to go pee,                                   
The best he can do is a trickle.                            
                                                            
26810 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Coops                    



In the winter, up near Moosonee,                            
This old guy once related to me,                            
As per local advice,                                        
He could only squirt ice                                    
Any time he attempted to pee.                               
                                                            
26811 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Keith MacMillan       77a



An old bureaucrat from D.C.                                 
Complained that in order to pee,                            
He must fill out a form                                     
And it's often the norm                                     
That he's charged a stiff passage right fee.                
(what is a passage right fee? - McW)                        
26812 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Pedro J. Saavedra   P8208



Asked a very old man, Stuart Neddy,                         
"Tell me doc, why it's hard to pee steady?"                 
"How old are you Stu?"                                      
"I'm past ninety two."                                      
"Hell, you've peed way too damned much already!"            
                                                            
26813 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Armand E Singer         5



"What a shame," said a winsome young miss,                  
"That an organ that brings me such bliss                    
With it's delicate touch,                                   
Should be wasted on such                                    
An unpleasant production as piss."                          
                                                            
26814 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Isaac Asimov             



While peeling a juicy banana,                               
I peed on Carlos Santana!                                   
His guitar twanged out of tune,                             
Caused an electric typhoon;                                 
He was blown to the Copacabana.                             
(Carlos Santana - shaman con man of American southwest)     
26815 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Magunda                  



There was an old spinster of Tweed                          
Who was prudish in thought, word, and deed.                 
Yet she held it no scandal                                  
To squeeze on the handle                                    
Of the vessel in which she wee-weed.                        
                                                            
26816 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1476



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who filled not one po, but twelve poes,                     
With piss, sweat, and come,                                 
Thick slime from her bumb,                                  
And snot from her bloody old nose.                          
(what's a po? - McW)                                        
26817 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1443



There was a young lady from Lynn,                           
Who could pee on the head of a pin.                         
By filling her bladder                                      
With a quart of Salada,                                     
And letting it out very thin.                               
(supposedly entered in a Salada Tea contest)                
26818 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Harlan Logan        G1414



Ladies compete when reclined,                               
After they've been dined and wined.                         
They invite their host                                      
To judge who pisses most,                                   
Who furthest, and who most refined.                         
                                                            
26819 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



There once was a pretty young miss,                         
Who enjoyed watching her lover piss.                        
She made him drink water,                                   
Much more than he orter,                                    
While Pilsner assured her of bliss.                         
                                                            
26820 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 L1482



When over the toilets I stand,                              
I think to myself, "Ain't it grand,                         
That I can piss quick,                                      
And play with my dick,                                      
While holding it here in my hand."                          
                                                            
26821 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Travis Brasell           



Soliloquized ham actor Lee,                                 
"Two outrageous slings beset me:                            
The question is whether                                     
To do both together                                         
Or suffer my poop and just pee."                            
                                                            
26822 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Armand E Singer       846



So accident prone was Marie,                                
When she'd get excited, she'd pee.                          
And this would abash, and also a rash                       
Would form epidermically.                                   
The second worst part, she also would fart,                 
Vacating the vicinity.                                      
26823 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Irving Superior     P9404



There was a young lady named Sneed                          
Who flooded the place when she peed.                        
People put in new plumbing                                  
When she said she was coming,                               
And everyone ran who could read.                            
                                                            
26824 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1457



When potholes are all hit-and-miss,                         
And legs get that cross and then criss,                     
It's such a relief                                          
To end all that grief,                                      
By finding a jug to hold piss.                              
                                                            
26825 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Travis Brasell           



There was a young lady from Leigh                           
Who slipped into church for a pee.                          
Without any malice                                          
She pissed in the chalice                                   
While singing the Agnus Dei.                                
                                                            
26826 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1131



There once was a peon named Leon                            
Who had such a face you could pee on.                       
When he said "Si, si,"                                      
We all made pee-pee                                         
On the face of that peon named Leon.                        
                                                            
26827 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 L1466



During race to MICTURATE                                    
Full bladder you can't mitigate.                            
But in the ranking                                          
I will be banking,                                          
That I'm a seven, you're an eight.                          
                                                            
26828 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Darryl                   



Ladies compete while reclining.                             
One gent in particular's pining                             
For a certain pisser;                                       
He just wants to kiss her;                                  
He's been smote since the autograph signing.                
(pissing in the snow?)                                      
26829 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



I'd love you to help me to pee,                             
But a catheter's better for me.                             
If you handled my snake,                                    
It would rise and awake                                     
And would make it impossible, see?                          
                                                            
26830 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Peter Wilkins            



Cowboys wear old leather chaps                              
Constructed with generous gaps;                             
The reason you see                                          
Is so they can pee                                          
Without inundating their laps.                              
                                                            
26831 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Wild West Limericks P8602



Herodotus says that we see                                  
Egyptian males squat to pee.                                
Believe it or not,                                          
The ladies don't squat,                                     
But stand up to piss just like me.                          
(Herodotus Book II:35)                                      
26832 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Jim Jambor          P9011



This one is for Marsha Magee                                
Whose a talent the whole world should see.                  
She's probably cute                                         
And brainy to boot;                                         
She'd be God if she'd stand to pee!                         
                                                            
26833 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



There was an old fellow named Reed,                         
Who had an emotional need.                                  
To shock his best friends,                                  
He went to great ends,                                      
And stood on his head when he peed.                         
                                                            
26834 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Gaary Cole               



There was a young woman of Florence,                        
Who was looked on with general abhorrence.                  
In an amorous crush,                                        
Her bladder would flush,                                    
And the stuff would come out in great torrents.             
                                                            
26835 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1385



There once was a British grandee                            
Who did nothing at all, except be.                          
So when his servants left,                                  
He was forced to be deft                                    
At unzipping his zipper to pee.                             
                                                            
26836 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Warrick Elrod            



There once was a lexicon hack,                              
Whose alphabet knowledge was slack.                         
'Stead of aardvark to zygote,                               
Finishing th O's, he got                                    
Up to P, and never came back.                               
                                                            
26837 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                      



A millionaire miner named Slatter                           
Had manners folks say do not matter.                        
He used a Spode teapot                                      
Instead of a peepot,                                        
And shat in a Crown Durham platter.                         
                                                            
26838 EXCRETIONS - URINE                                 G1455



A bedpan a man from Ohio sent                               
To a pneumonia patient unviolent.                           
But when he tried to tinkle,                                
It made not a plinkle.                                      
The pneumonic pee is quite silent.                          
                                                            
26839 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Pierce Evans             



He scanned the CERULEAN sky,                                
And couldn't determine just why                             
Or even be sure                                             
It wasn't azure;                                            
Then finished and zipped up his fly.                        
                                                            
26840 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Chris Papa               



A trio of sorrowful hounds                                  
Were brought in to water the grounds.                       
Said the man down in Hell,                                  
"They've done their job well,                               
I hope no one else down here drowns."                       
                                                            
26841 EXCRETIONS - URINE             The Ang                  



Pity poor grandfather Joe;                                  
His problem was peeing to slow.                             
He was desperate to leak,                                   
But he snuffed it last week.                                
I suppose that he went with the flow.                       
                                                            
26842 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Peter W                  



A very apt question struck me;                              
The answer's not easy to see.                               
But now that that door                                      
Is not there any more,                                      
Just where do we go for a pee?                              
                                                            
26843 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Sydney Bernard Smith     



Geoffrey Chaucer asserted, "Ywis,                           
We ought to recall in this bliss                            
Of our revels that man                                      
Is an engine that can                                       
Change the finest French wine into piss."                   
                                                            
26844 EXCRETIONS - URINE             A. N. Wilkins       P8403



There was a young lady named Grace                          
Who made for the john in a race.                            
When she saw on the wall,                                   
The handwriting and all,                                    
She knew she was in the wrong place.                        
                                                            
26845 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Albin Chaplin 3024  P8212



Long ago in my younger days,                                
Icicles were a source of play.                              
But know that I know                                        
Just how they grow,                                         
I'll eat no more, I'll just survey.                         
                                                            
26846 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Azul                     



I once heard my grandfather bellow:                         
"You sure are a dumb kind of fellow!                        
I've said more than once,                                   
You half-witted dunce,                                      
Don't lick on the ones that are yellow!"                    
                                                            
26847 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Frank                    



MICTURATION is urgent with cough,                           
And may cause you to be rushing off.                        
But talk of contest                                         
Ticks me off, at best,                                      
Like Russian Yuri Li Pismiov.                               
                                                            
26848 EXCRETIONS - URINE             Daniel Ford              



A food-fadist fellow from Frisco                            
Lived on nothing but peanuts and Crisco.                    
He not only shat                                            
After eating this fat,                                      
But you should've seen the guy's piss go!                   
                                                            
26849 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                           G1390



A timorous fellow named Wister                              
Was having his girl in a twister;                           
One especially strong gust                                  
Almost tore off her bust,                                   
And scared him so bad, he bepissed her.                     
                                                            
26850 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Armand E Singer       539



There was an old man, who could piss                        
Through a ring, and what's more, never miss.                
People came by the score,                                   
And bellowed, "Encore!                                      
Won't you do it again, Sir?  Bis!  Bis!"                    
(bis - again)                                               
26851 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Norman Douglas      L0730



A beer-guzzling tippler named Dan,                          
Whose wife locked him out of the can,                       
Aimed his poor swollen dink                                 
At her prized kitchen sink                                  
And cleaned off a big greasy pan.                           
                                                            
26852 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Armand E Singer       121



Mom's daddy has many a flaw;                                
My wants, though, he takes as the law.                      
(As an extra affront,                                       
I peed down his front.)                                     
I do love my grumpy grandpa.                                
                                                            
26853 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       John Miller              



There remains this unanswered riddle,                       
What the use of this thin way to piddle.                    
It is a neat trick                                          
For avoiding a prick                                        
As you pee through the eye of a needle.                     
                                                            
26854 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Chris Bolivar            



In the woods stood an old pinon tree                        
With a hole up about two feet three,                        
In which without missing                                    
The peasants kept pissing;                                  
It became the first man's toiletry. (toilet tree?)          
                                                            
26855 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       C. M. Christ        P8312



With you there, sir, I cannot pee.                          
There's 17 million like me.                                 
Forgive, sir, this moan;                                    
I must be alone;                                            
So go off and find your own tree.                           
                                                            
26856 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



If a Parsee is to achieve bliss                             
And thereby avoid the abyss,                                
He must put away pride                                      
And be purified                                             
By taking a bath in cow piss.                               
                                                            
26857 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       A. N. Wilkins       P9212



"Excuse me I must go and pee,                               
We drunk too much cider you see.                            
Yes I'll soon be back                                       
So don't give me that flack,                                
But keep the bed warm just for me"                          
                                                            
26858 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



"What's that? You want to come too?                         
But I don't need your help with the loo!"                   
"Oh I see!" and I laugh                                     
"Well just hop in the bath --                               
Golden rain, coming up, just for you!"                      
                                                            
26859 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



I see that you like number two                              
The number, not the hot smelly goo                          
Some like number one                                        
For some golden wet fun                                     
But for me, just some poontang will do                      
                                                            
26860 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



Urolagnia's a steamy excursion                              
Involving wetting and (rarely) submersion.                  
While the poor pee-ee cowers                                
Under warm gold showers,                                    
The pee-er enjoys his perversion.                           
                                                            
26861 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                           P9201



A lovely submissive from Lisbon,                            
Did not really like to be pissed on                         
But after a year,                                           
She got over her fear,                                      
And says showers of gold are a turn-on!                     
                                                            
26862 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from D.C.                             
Who went to the men's room to pee.                          
While acting the fool,                                      
He pulled out his tool,                                     
Then pissed on himself and on me.                           
                                                            
26863 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       RenWa               T9711



An old stinky bum's sticky pants                            
Were home to dung beetles and ants.                         
And when he went piss,                                      
His trousers would hiss,                                    
But he'd just sit still in a trance.                        
                                                            
26864 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       H Whelchel               



A ladies' pee contest was held                              
And won by a lass who excelled                              
At twirling a dish                                          
With a couple of fish,                                      
At the end of the stream she expelled.                      
                                                            
26865 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Tutta Gioia              



The nurse said, "I thank you a lot."                        
After the fellow had peed in the pot,                       
"But this isn't enough,                                     
I need more of this stuff.                                  
"But it's all," he said, "That I've got".                   
                                                            
26866 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Edwin J. Weinstein  P9601



A hippy from Totem-by-Sea                                   
Had nowheres indoors for to pee.                            
So he stood on the cliff                                    
Whilst lighting a spliff,                                   
And cause the beachcombers to flee!                         
                                                            
26867 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Marie,                          
Who giggled like hell when she'd pee.                       
She thought it great fun                                    
To watch as it run,                                         
Down her leg where it dripped onto me                       
                                                            
26868 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Jim Weaver Collection    



Marsha, I'm in awe from afar,                               
For 'tis truly a god that you are.                          
But could you, in rendition,                                
Explain the position                                        
You adopt to pee over a car?                                
                                                            
26869 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



I took a hot-air balloon flight;                            
We flew over Brant's building site.                         
I spotted the foreman,                                      
That bastard named Norman,                                  
And pissed on him from a great height.                      
                                                            
26870 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



She asked, as she wrote out her cheque,                     
"Where's the loo? I'm bursting, by heck!"                   
With greatest of haste,                                     
She bent from the waist                                     
And peed from the hole in her neck.                         
                                                            
26871 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



Last night,dear, in midst of our boff,                      
I did unexpectedly cough,                                   
And to my chagrin,                                          
Mucous dripped from your chin,                              
And I'm sorry that I pissed you off!                        
                                                            
26872 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Observer                 



Aged 8, with one's trousers undone,                         
Pissing contests were always great fun.                     
Over walls you could reach a                                
Great height; but if teacher                                
Was standing behind it, you'd run!                          
                                                            
26873 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



I knew a young lady like that!                              
She could pee on the brim of a hat!                         
Out of her tunnel                                           
And into a funnel,                                          
She had peeing in thin lines down pat!                      
                                                            
26874 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Chris Bolivar            



There was a young lady named Kristin                        
Who looked for a job to assist in;                          
On horseback she rode                                       
To the nearest commode,                                     
To locate the pot that she pissed in.                       
                                                            
26875 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



In Reno there's a posh bordello                             
Whose whore's morals are shaky as Jello.                    
Especially one Leah                                         
Who fakes urolangnia;                                       
'Stead of pissing she pours Mello Yello.                    
                                                            
26876 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Harry Rubin         P9205



A large bat I thought I did spy,                            
But 'twas Batman unzipping his fly.                         
On top of a building,                                       
He whipped out his Bat-thing,                               
And pissed on me, right in my eye!                          
                                                            
26877 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Coolbreeze               



It was hailed by some women, not all;                       
We're no longer confined to a stall.                        
It will be very nice                                        
When we use this device;                                    
We can pee like the men 'gainst a wall.                     
                                                            
26878 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



To the "toy" store the lesbians ran;                        
They came by plane, bus, boat or van.                       
"Toy's not just for pissing.                                
It supplies what we're missing --                           
The very best part of a man."                               
                                                            
26879 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



A small fraction of girls in our nation                     
Wanted permanent 'toy' installation.                        
But the mainstream girls said,                              
"You're not using your head                                 
The toy will obstruct fornication."                         
                                                            
26880 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



The cultured young lady, Miss Fink,                         
Had a little bit too much to drink;                         
She let the toy dangle,                                     
Rotated the angle,                                          
And carelessly peed in the sink.                            
                                                            
26881 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



As of now the whole movement is through                     
A woman is threatening to sue                               
She's stuck with the spout                                  
She can't get it out                                        
So the poor girl can no longer screw.                       
                                                            
26882 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



As use of the "toy" reached its crest                       
At girls' colleges - even the best                          
Girls lined up to see                                       
How far they could pee                                      
And thus the first pissing contest.                         
                                                            
26883 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



On the market for just a few days,                          
The toy was adopted by gays,                                
Because they found out                                      
With its rigid spout,                                       
They could do themselves several new ways.                  
                                                            
26884 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



A whimsical lady in Troy                                    
Invented a wonderful toy.                                   
Made of stiff composition                                   
When placed in position                                     
She could pee standing up like a boy.                       
                                                            
26885 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



A dyslexic young lady named Grace                           
Her toy did improperly place.                               
The toy upside down,                                        
She thought she would drown,                                
When she peed straight up into her face.                    
                                                            
26886 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



There was a young lady of Crete,                            
Who could piss exceedingly neat.                            
When she got out of bed,                                    
She stood on her head,                                      
To make sure of not soiling her feet.                       
                                                            
26887 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                                



Remember you heard this from Frank;                         
Just so they all know who to thank:                         
Take care when you've peed,                                 
For it is decreed                                           
That more than three shakes is a wank.                      
                                                            
26888 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Frank                    



There was a young woman named Chase                         
Who pissed in a Florentine vase,                            
And gave as excuse:                                         
"My God, what's the use                                     
Of tramping all over the place."                            
                                                            
26889 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT                           G1370



A sequel to Joe and his drama:                              
Wrote his name in the snow when it's warmer.                
But his penmanship's poor,                                  
When depositing spoor;                                      
Couldn't even perfect grade school Palmer.                  
                                                            
26890 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Irish                    



There once was a man we'll call Moe                         
Whose piddle was exceedingly slow.                          
After his prostate was drilled                              
His wish was fulfilled,                                     
To write his name in the snow.                              
                                                            
26891 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Edwin J Weinstein        



Your grandpa was really quite smart;                        
Too bad you'd not take it to heart,                         
'Cause everyone knows                                       
A yellow ones grows                                         
On places where dogs do their part.                         
                                                            
26892 EXCRETIONS - URINE - HIT       Azul                     



Alone in a tunnel, I'm free!                                
After all, there is no one to see                           
When, just for a lark                                       
I pee in the dark,                                          
And then piddle a drop on my knee.                          
                                                            
26893 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    James A. Maxwell    P8409



When out in the wild, fancy-free,                           
Got hit with an urge to go pee.                             
According to plan,                                          
I pissed like a man;                                        
All over my feet, thighs, and knee.                         
                                                            
26894 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Goin2                    



This subject will always cause war!                         
My love pulled a prank you'll adore.                        
'Cross the bowl he did slap                                 
Sheets of plastic wrap...                                   
My pee went all over the floor!                             
                                                            
26895 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                             



Woke up last night, went to pee;                            
I missed and peed all over me.                              
So now I'm all wet;                                         
You know it ain't sweat,                                    
And I smell like the dog's favorite tree!                   
                                                            
26896 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                             



"This rest room is just for the misses,                     
As this is the place that they pisses."                     
The matron did fret,                                        
"Now the floor is all wet,                                  
And this is because of near misses.                         
                                                            
26897 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Al Willis           T9711



An old G.I. custom, long rooted,                            
Is to entering fledglings well-suited.                      
In every latrine                                            
A bright sign is seen:                                      
"Stand close, the next guy may be barefooted."              
                                                            
26898 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                        L0713



A woman who just wanted to see,                             
If she stood up, how far she could pee.                     
She'd a pardon to beg,                                      
When it ran down her leg,                                   
And formed icicles off her left knee.                       
                                                            
26899 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                             



The bulbously bladdered McFee                               
Had stopped on the road for a pee.                          
But lacking due haste,                                      
It all went to waist,                                       
Then crotch, then to thigh and then knee.                   
                                                            
26900 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                             



No matter what you think of romance;                        
Nor jump 'round, jiggle and dance,                          
Nor sling it away,                                          
Nor beg, plead, nor pray,                                   
The last drops go right down your pants.                    
                                                            
26901 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Cyber Wizard             



That fight with the drops you will lose,                    
No matter the method you choose,                            
To shake them away.                                         
With you they will stay,                                    
In your pants, or else on your shoes.                       
                                                            
26902 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Frank Fazed              



My much younger sister, Jo Dee                              
Has never quite learned how to pee;                         
The last fitful squirts                                     
Just ruin her sksirts,                                      
And some drops land even on me.                             
                                                            
26903 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Armand E Singer       128



I once knew a fellow named Gist                             
Whose prick had a right-angled twist;                       
It cost him no end                                          
Of bother, that bend;                                       
It flooded his pants when he pissed.                        
                                                            
26904 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Armand E Singer       603



If you hear something go 'Bump' in the night,               
Please try not to be scared, though you might.              
It will only be me,                                         
Getting up to go pee,                                       
But my eyesight's no good without light.                    
                                                            
26905 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Charles K. Brown         



There once was a girl from Japan,                           
Who thought of herself as a man,                            
But whenever she pissed,                                    
She constantly missed,                                      
And had to sit down on the can.                             
                                                            
26906 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Jim Weaver Collection    



A peevish young girl of Batoche                             
Tried to pee in her brother's galosh.                       
Pretty mad, 'cause "The swine                               
Did it straight into mine,                                  
But with me it came out all awash!"                         
                                                            
26907 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Keith MacMillan       84c



Wailed poor English author George Gissing,                  
"I've nary a pot for my pissing.                            
No wonder I grumble,                                        
My digs are so humble,                                      
That even the windows are missing."                         
                                                            
26908 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Armand E Singer       468



I'd spilled most on the floor and so then                   
When the nurse said to pee once again,                      
I gave her the cup,                                         
That I would fill up,                                       
And told her to clearly say "When."                         
                                                            
26909 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    OgniGioia                



A man is a true troglodyte                                  
When his urine stream, try as he might,                     
Forks off on a path;                                        
But that isn't the half;                                    
It's the pee on the wall I dislike.                         
                                                            
26910 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                             



Let's drink and drink us some more,                         
And nail up the ladies' room door.                          
Then tickle them silly,                                     
And beg them suck willy,                                    
While pissing like cows on the floor.                       
                                                            
26911 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                             



While pulling my pork, it turned red;                       
I thought I had died and was dead.                          
I was ready to come,                                        
But I felt so damn dumb,                                    
That I pissed on myself instead.                            
                                                            
26912 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow so fat,                             
Couldn't see where his Willie was at;                       
At a urinal he stood,                                       
Taking what care he could;                                  
Pissed his britches, and mumbled "Oh, drat!"                
                                                            
26913 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED                             



The seat of divorce, la toilette --                         
When she/he the up/down forget.                             
If up, she will drop                                        
A one more inch plop.                                       
If down, then the surface he'll wet.                        
                                                            
26914 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Irving Superior     P9001



Her name was young Anna Marie,                              
So proud of her virginity.                                  
She was some piece of mutton                                
With her pierced belly button,                              
But the ring leaked when she took a pee.                    
                                                            
26915 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Asscar Wilde        T9711



There once was a fellow whose peter                         
Would wiggle and wobble and teeter,                         
So that when he pissed,                                     
He frequently missed,                                       
And everyone wished he were neater.                         
                                                            
26916 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    John Stanley             



At the toilet, Tom said with a grin,                        
"My aim's not so good, hope it's in."                       
But it passed the bowl by,                                  
And dripped down his thigh,                                 
Till Tom soaked his shin with urine.                        
                                                            
26917 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Younger Brother          



A woman I know, eighty-three,                               
Related as follows to me:                                   
"Even now, when I'm hot,                                    
I get wet in the twat;                                      
But only," she said, "when I pee!"                          
                                                            
26918 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    John Miller              



Said the doc to incontinent Schwartz,                       
"I've mislaid one of your lab reports.                      
Give urine, a sample,                                       
Six ounces is ample.                                        
appendThe best way is to wring out your shorts."            
                                                            
26919 EXCRETIONS - URINE - MISSED    Tom Patton          P9606



Twenty thousand leages under the sea,                       
I had to take a big pee.                                    
Since the ocean is green,                                   
My pee won't be seen.                                       
I think it's okay; you agree?                               
                                                            
26920 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Anon                     



There was an old fellow named Kibble                        
Who sighed and admitted "Why quibble?                       
Yellow stains on one's pants                                
Spell the death of romance,                                 
But guys of my age always dribble."                         
                                                            
26921 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Armand E Singer       398



I live on a mountain; don't miss                            
Not having close neighbors; it's bliss!                     
In daytime or night,                                        
Whenever I might,                                           
I'm free to stand outside and piss!                         
                                                            
26922 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



It's sunset! There's evening's bright star!                 
No moaning while I leave the bar...                         
I just have to pee                                          
A clear call for me...                                      
I'll bring it all back in a jar.                            
                                                            
26923 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Cape Breton,                      
Whose wife, once a year, he would threaten.                 
"My Dear, I believe                                         
That next year I will leave,                                
If you don't stop your fucking bed-wettin'"                 
                                                            
26924 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Ryan Deschamps           



My Vanessa was famed for bed-wetting;                       
It was something she found most upsetting.                  
She felt so immature                                        
Until I found the cure...                                   
It's to screw her without heavy petting.                    
                                                            
26925 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



When we necked, I thought, "My, how she's sweating."        
But her warmth and her zeal were offsetting.                
Then, at the splashdown,                                    
It was then that I found,                                   
That she had a big problem -- bedwetting!                   
                                                            
26926 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Ealing,                           
Endowed with delicate feeling,       (Devoid of all...)     
When she read on the door:                                  
"Don't piss on the floor!"                (...shit...)      
She lay down and pissed on the ceiling.   (...shat...)      
                                                            
26927 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                        L0697



The little old men of Fort Bragg                            
Have all, sadly, started to sag.                            
Their balls hang down low,                                  
It hurts when they go --                                    
They carry their piss in a bag.                             
                                                            
26928 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



There was a young lady of Ealing,                           
Who had a peculiar feeling.                                 
She lay on her back,                                        
And tickled her crack,                                      
And pissed from the floor to the ceiling.                   
                                                            
26929 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Norman Douglas      L0762



Ladies compete while reclining                              
(Being ladies, their cheeks with pink shining)              
The Jades do it standing                                    
Up there on the landing,                                    
So the gents use umbrellas while dining.                    
                                                            
26930 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Lucy                     



One time when I was just three,                             
I bent over to watch myself pee.                            
It went in my eye                                           
(My aim was too high)                                       
And therefore, I just could not see!                        
                                                            
26931 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Annette Funicello        



There was a young girl from Ohia,                           
Whose baptismal name was Mariah.                            
She would put on airs                                       
And pee on the stairs,                                      
If she thought that no one was nigh 'er.                    
                                                            
26932 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                        L0728



"But surely it can't be that drastic",                      
I said.  She said, "Don't be sarcastic;                     
I'm walking like this                                       
'Cause I'm desperate to piss,                               
And I've broken my panty elastic."                          
                                                            
26933 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Peter Wilkins            



Wibbley, wobbley, wub;                                      
My legs have gone down to the pub.                          
I wish they'd took me,                                      
For I have to pee,                                          
So I'll just do it here in the tub.                         
                                                            
26934 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Anon                     



He was pitifully shy, and what's more,                      
A truly conversational boor.                                
To his hostess at lunch                                     
He explained: "I've a hunch                                 
That I've peed a few drops on the floor."                   
                                                            
26935 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    John E Mayhood           



A young lady of fair Aberdeen,                              
Drank gallons of boiling caffeine.                          
Kept going to the 'loo                                      
Oh!  What a to do!                                          
Inspired, dug a handy latrine.                              
                                                            
26936 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jim Weaver Collection    



In the lad of Pisuerga, they sing                           
Of how their beloved late King                              
Would step right up and pee,                                
If caught short, on a tree,                                 
And the hell with exposing his thing!                       
                                                            
26937 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                        G1453



A young hippy from Oshawa, Ont.,   (Vermont)                
When arrested for filling the font,                         
To the magistrate said,                                     
"The old values are dead!                                   
We are free now to piss where we want!"                     
                                                            
26938 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Keith MacMillan       56d



I had warned "It wouldn't be nice",                         
He had argued "Urgency, not any vice".                      
Armstrong and bladder weak,                                 
He had to take that leak,                                   
"So don't read much into finding ice!"                      
                                                            
26939 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jim Weaver Collection    



Persona non grata is Doug...                                
At the Jones he got in the jug    (drunk)                   
And became so elated                                        
That he micturated                                          
All over their fine Persian rug.                            
                                                            
26940 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Grand Prix Lim  693 P9802



When an Englishman introduced tea                           
To a friendly Chief of Pawnee,                              
The Indian drank                                            
Till he very near sank                                      
And drowned in his flooding tea-pee.                        
                                                            
26941 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Allan Ottley        P8209



One part of New York is called Flushing;                    
Now I don't hear everyone rushing                           
To joke about this,                                         
But it does smell like piss,                                
And things I can't say without blushing.                    
                                                            
26942 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    John Miller              



There once was a lass from Tralee,                          
Who always would stand up to pee.                           
Her water, it worked,                                       
But what really irked                                       
Was that she pissed farther than me!                        
                                                            
26943 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



There once lived Kieth and Darlee;                          
A couple they would try to be.                              
She'd suck on his dick,                                     
He'd give her a lick,                                       
Then all over both they would pee!                          
                                                            
26944 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Great Lakes are the world's largest source              
Of fresh water -- assuming of course                        
That fresh you define                                       
As a sea of urine,                                          
All awash with green algae - or worse.                      
                                                            
26945 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Hugh Oliver          119b



Through sunshine and cloudy day sprinkle,                   
I've carried you through every wrinkle;                     
And as the years mount,                                     
On this you can count:                                      
I'll carry your old ass to tinkle!                          
                                                            
26946 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



My armchair it rocked to and fro                            
As deep in and out, he did go                               
I was reaching the peak                                     
I just could not speak,                                     
When he said "For a pee I must go!"                         
                                                            
26947 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



A safari leader named Smith                                 
Had a client with a terrible lisp.                          
Smith's head was soaked                                     
When the poor confused bloke                                
Urinated in the helmet called pith.                         
                                                            
26948 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Puff Adder               



A bashful young patient named Ord                           
Blushed pink when the doctor explored.                      
She tried to look dead-pan                                  
But pissed in the bed pan --                                
The tinkle raised howls in the ward                         
                                                            
26949 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Armand E Singer       425



One day when she was still little,                          
My sister in her pants did piddle.                          
Mama said, "Anna Lee,                                       
Where did you pee-pee?"                                     
Anna looked and said, "Right in the middle!                 
                                                            
26950 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Kaylin                   



As she squatted to ease by the sea,                         
A micturant maiden named Bee                                
Said, "I don't have a notion                                
To compete with the ocean,                                  
But still, a lot runs out of me!"                           
                                                            
26951 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Grand Prix Lim  476      



If your aim is as bad as you say,                           
And you're hitting the sink with your spray,                
Don't do me the favor                                       
Of this kind behavior --                                    
I'm hiding my toothbrush away!                              
                                                            
26952 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



There once was a canine named Mo;                           
Guess what he did in the snow.                              
I'll give you a hint:                                       
It gives yellowish tint                                     
And happens after a beer or so.                             
                                                            
26953 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Phil Solesky             



An astronaut pilot named Chris,                             
In space, had to take him a piss,                           
So he opened his suit,                                      
And he whipped out his root,                                
And he tinkled into the abyss.                              
                                                            
26954 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Cap'n Bean               



A musician who worked for "Les Miz",                        
Tried to exit the pit for a whiz.                           
But was stopped ere he could;                               
So he pissed where he stood,                                
In a cup, as he crooned, "That's Show Biz!"                 
(Les Miz - broadway musical Les Miserables)                 
26955 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    The Fuzbear              



The neighbors have ostracized Tish,                         
The nurse who served red wine with fish.                    
"White wines," the nurse said,                              
"Are not white. Instead                                     
It looks like a specimen, PISH."                            
                                                            
26956 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from South Wheeling,                   
Who tried to piss on the ceiling.                           
His stream it was clear,                                    
Though he'd been drinking beer,                             
And now the paint it is peeling.                            
                                                            
26957 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



To live in the country is bliss.                            
At night shooting stars I can't miss;                       
I stand on my deck                                          
And lean back my neck,                                      
And watch stars shoot 'cross while I piss.                  
                                                            
26958 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Travis Brasell           



A funny old woman named Lottie                              
Is more than a little bit dotty.                            
When she pees in the night,                                 
Whether sober or tight,                                     
She never lets go in the potty.                             
                                                            
26959 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Armand E Singer       408



To a humorous showdown in Taos,                             
A man took his amorous spouse.                              
Laughed to beat the band                                    
And peed in his hand!                                       
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
26960 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jane D. Hughes      P9009



As Old Father William has said,                             
As he stood (dripping wet) on his head,                     
"Though it's good for the brain,                            
I suggest you refrain                                       
When you pee. Do it upright instead."                       
                                                            
26961 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee                                     
Hunted high and low for a tree.                             
But out on the beach                                        
Trees are out of reach.                                     
(One never thinks stars have to pee.)                       
                                                            
26962 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Daniel                   



The girls in the street leave me be                         
But it's not 'cause I'm lacking their fee.                  
Nope, word's got around                                     
That I'm somewhat unsound,                                  
And, rather than come, I just pee!                          
                                                            
26963 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



A young steeplejack named Gower,                            
Needed relief high on top of a tower.                       
A co-worker said, "Friend,                                  
Don't piss into the wind,                                   
Or we'll receive an unwelcome shower."                      
                                                            
26964 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Lims For Year - 01       



From that roadhouse, I left, hot and sore,                  
Sought to court her, real quiet, no roar;                   
My heat-rash, I thought,                                    
Called for for love on the spot;                            
So I pissed on my sweeties' front door!                     
                                                            
26965 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



When I'd forget to leave the seat down,                     
My sweetheart wore a permanent frown.                       
I found a solution;                                         
No more revolution;                                         
I just go and piss on the ground.                           
                                                            
26966 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Puff Adder               



When an old astonaut, Spacey Norbitt,                       
Peed his pants while he flew in Earth's orbit,              
He said, "In my defense                                     
I claim incontinence,                                       
And my trusty Depends will absorb it."                      
                                                            
26967 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    William N. Nesbit   P9702



The current New Scientist issue                             
(Not printed on pieces of tissue)                           
Not being uncouth,                                          
This IS wholly truth --                                     
Tells how we'll know who can out-piss you!                  
                                                            
26968 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



It happened one night in Paris,                             
That a model let boys watch her pee.                        
She said, "Let me tease ya,                                 
Though I'm not Mona Lisa,                                   
You'll remember this night, au oui oui!"                    
                                                            
26969 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Bob Birch                



I've said this before; I should think                       
It's polite (after plenty to drink)                         
For a gent (such as I)                                      
When unzipping his fly,                                     
('Cause of splashes) to pee in the sink.                    
                                                            
26970 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



Said an elegant widow named Chase,                          
As she peed in a squat Thracian vase,                       
"The heat of the museum                                     
Titillates my perineum,                                     
And it looks like my late husband's face."                  
                                                            
26971 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



When I piss I go to the toilet;                             
I wee in a pan and then boil it.                            
The smell was quite nice,                                   
So I then did it twice.                                     
Once more and that would of spoiled it                      
                                                            
26972 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



The day that he crossed her, he'll rue;                     
He gave her the clap with a screw.                          
So the lady named Peg                                       
Glued his dick to his leg,                                  
So the poor guy now pees in his shoe.                       
                                                            
26973 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0302



A nasty old drunk in Carmel,                                
Thinks it funny to piss in the well.                        
He says, "Some don't favor                                  
That unusual flavor,                                        
But I don't drink the stuff, What the hell!"                
                                                            
26974 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Grand Prix Lim  557 G1491



At the zoo when the kids laughed out loud                   
At a sensitive mandrill named Dowd,                         
He just didn't spit                                         
To make the kids quit.                                      
He'd step up and piss on the crowd.                         
                                                            
26975 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    A. N. Wilkins       P8408



A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?                             
I am not I, I am a tree."                                   
But another, more sane,                                     
Shouted, "I'm a great dane."                                
And covered his pants leg with pee.                         
                                                            
26976 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Forbidden Limericks      



There was a young lady from Sweden,                         
Who went by slow train to Weedon;                           
When they cried, "Weedon Station!"                          
She was filled with elation --                              
So excited that Weedon got peed on.                         
                                                            
26977 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Edwardian Leer 003  P9306



The young private said of his first chance --               
Real combat, Iraqi advance --                               
"I wouldn't have cared,                                     
'Cause I knew I'd be scared,                                
I just wish I had not pissed my pants."                     
                                                            
26978 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    A. N. Wilkins       P9103



A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux,                            
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.                     
To arrest his regard                                        
She would squat in his yard,                                
And appealingly piss in the snow.                           
('Pissing In The Snow' - classic collection of folklore)    
26979 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                        G1435



Queen Elizabeth's amorous beau.                             
In order his love for to show,                              
He stood on one leg,                                        
Guzzled down half a keg,                                    
And wrote "God Save The Queen" in the snow.                 
(With apologies to Vance Randolf - McW)                     
26980 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jonathan G.              



There was a young lady of Thrace                            
Who was woefully lacking in grace.                          
In the midst of a kiss,                                     
She'd start in to piss,                                     
Which was neither the time nor the place.                   
                                                            
26981 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                        G1472



In the woodlands around Maple Creek                         
A troop of boy scouts took a leak,                          
Which intrusion of waste                                    
Almost ruined the taste                                     
Of the sugaring-off for a week.                             
                                                            
26982 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Hugh Oliver           87a



My boss is a fellow named Sid,                              
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid.                     
Just outside his door,                                      
As sign said, "Wet Floor,"                                  
Sid saw it, and read it...and did!                          
                                                            
26983 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    John Miller 0086         



A bullfighter whose name was Juan                           
Was desperately seeking a john.                             
The valiant torero                                          
Went in his sombrero,                                       
So now he's not going -- he's gone!                         
                                                            
26984 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



A Canadian lady named Florence,                             
When she peed, the pee came out in torrents.                
Next edition, perhaps,                                      
She'll be listed on maps                                    
As a tributary of the St. Lawrence.                         
                                                            
26985 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



A country club lifeguard named Ford,                        
Was fired for actions abhorred.                             
'Twas not that the fool                                     
Took a pee in the pool,                                     
But he did it from off the high board!                      
                                                            
26986 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Thomas Henry             



A well-known young doctor in Wales,                         
Prescribed pissing on the third rails.                      
His colleages may deem                                      
His methods extreme,                                        
But his patients complain of no ails.                       
                                                            
26987 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Phil T                   



The Marquesa de Excusador,                                  
Used to pee on the drawing room floor.                      
For the can was so cold,                                    
And when one grows old,                                     
To be much alone is a bore.                                 
                                                            
26988 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                        L0698



There once was a man from Dundee                            
Who tried to pee up a tree.                                 
He peed so high,                                            
He pissed in his eye;                                       
And now the old bugger can't see.                           
                                                            
26989 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



A stingy old lady in Weed                                   
Collected each drop that she peed,                          
To be stored in a rack                                      
On the roof of her shack.                                   
Are visitors nervous?  Indeed!                              
                                                            
26990 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Chuck Davis              



As you guys never sit down anyway                           
For to pee (yes, not even the gay!).                        
It seems best for your friend                               
That you grab its loose end,                                
And then over the brim let it sway...                       
                                                            
26991 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



A janitor whose name was McGee,                             
Had a peep hole so that he could see                        
Through the wall                                            
In the toilet stall.                                        
He got off watching young ladies pee.                       
                                                            
26992 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    FB                       



To green up his lawn, Mr. Winkler                           
Would never make use of a sprinkler.                        
He'd drink gallons of juice,                                
Then he'd let himself loose,                                
And he'd water the grass with his tinkler.                  
                                                            
26993 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Cap'n Bean          P9809



The gravesite of Oliver Grey                                
Showed a vibrant and lovely display.                        
For his widow named Joan                                    
Planted bulbs at his stone,                                 
Then she watered the spot every day.                        
                                                            
26994 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Cap'n Bean          P0310



There was a young lady from Turin                           
Who found swimmin' very allurin'.                           
She jumped in the pool,                                     
Splashed around like a fool,                                
After fillin' it up with her urine.                         
                                                            
26995 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Chairman Steve           



When Dad ambled home, he was drunk.                         
Now some would say "drunk as a skunk..                      
And it has been stated                                      
That he micturated                                          
In bed, but that's not what he thunk.                       
                                                            
26996 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Jim Weaver Collection    



My daughter's in diapers and so,                            
Can sympathize your clean up woe.                           
When diaper comes off,                                      
She runs with a scoff                                       
At my yells as she squats to go.                            
                                                            
26997 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Bonnie                   



As you sit there, looking around,                           
Trying hard not to make a sound,                            
Just remember this:                                         
We all let a hiss                                           
Now and then, when we're squatting down.                    
                                                            
26998 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



I crouched in the woods for a pee                           
On an ant nest of all things (poor me!).                    
They crawled past my knees,                                 
Up my thighs, if you please,                                
And wriggled and tickled.  Tee hee!                         
                                                            
26999 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Michelle                 



O women, please listen to me:                               
Beware the misogynist bee!                                  
Have well-founded fears                                     
On vulnerable rears,                                        
Should you crouch in the woods for a pee.                   
                                                            
27000 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Tiddy                    



Young Myrtle was having a pee,                              
When a squirrel, (short sighted, you see),                  
Dived into her gash,                                        
With some nuts for to cache;                                
He thought 'twas a hole in a tree!                          
                                                            
27001 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Tiddy                    



I once took a whiz in the woods,                            
And got poison oak on the goods.                            
The whole thing turned red;                                 
Calamine it was fed;                                        
And it bled every time it up-stood.                         
                                                            
27002 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Coolbreeze               



Once I squat in the woods for a break,                      
When along came a wriggley grass snake.                     
It was quite uncanny,                                       
But he went up my fanny,                                    
And that was his biggest mistake!                           
                                                            
27003 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES    Michelle                 



I once squat in the woods for a piss,                       
When I heard a snake's venomous hiss.                       
I tripped over some plants                                  
While grabbing my pants;                                    
I've never weed faster than this!                           
                                                            
27004 EXCRETIONS - URINE - PLACES                             



A shaky old drunkard named Drew                             
Stopped off to make pee in the loo;                         
He opened his pants,                                        
He attempted the stance,                                    
And he piddled all over his shoe.                           
                                                            
27005 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Cap'n Bean          P0103



No matter what you think of romance,                        
Nor jump 'round, and jiggle and dance,                      
Nor sling it away,                                          
Nor beg, plead, nor pray,                                   
The last drops go right down your pants.                    
                                                            
27006 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



I once crouched in the woods for a pee                      
And was joined by a huge bumble bee.                        
He buzzed round my twat,                                    
So I aimed and I shot                                       
And drowned that poor bee with my wee                       
                                                            
27007 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



There was a young fellow, a Greek,                          
Whose bladder control was weak.                             
It began as a whistle,                                      
Went on with a 'ssissssle'                                  
And then ended up with a squeak.                            
                                                            
27008 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



With foresight it would have been better,                   
To admit of my plight when I met her.                       
Our very first night                                        
She woke with a fright,                                     
For I'm a nocturnal bedwetter.                              
                                                            
27009 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



I have been this way since a child;                         
It's because my dreams are so wild.                         
As excitement increases,                                    
My bladder releases,                                        
And those near and dear feel defiled.                       
                                                            
27010 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh! I would be ever so happy                                
To stay for one night a dry chappy.                         
Is there a trick for                                        
An arid dick, or                                            
Must I each morn wash my nappy?                             
                                                            
27011 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



Our schoolteacher drank so much tea,                        
She went to the can for to pee.                             
When she jerked on the chain                                
She was flushed down the drain,                             
And by now she's ten miles out to sea.                      
                                                            
27012 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                      G1470



"There's gold in your hair, pretty miss.                    
Do please let me give it a kiss?                            
Spit! Gee, that tastes bad!"                                
She said: "Sorry lad,                                       
To get gold, I wash it in piss."                            
                                                            
27013 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



If I did a handstand, indeed,                               
I fear that I'd only succeed,                               
In wetting the tip                                          
Of my nose with a drip                                      
Or a splash from the puddle I peed.                         
                                                            
27014 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



But if I could stand on one hand,                           
The other'd be free for my gland,                           
To aim it and pee                                           
With some accuracy,                                         
Over walls as I can when I stand.                           
                                                            
27015 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



He lay in the gutter, that place                            
Well-known in his drunken disgrace;                         
He looked up the skirt                                      
Of knickerless Gert                                         
With glee, till she pissed in his face.                     
                                                            
27016 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Tiddy Ogg                



The charming but odd Mr Powers                              
Enjoys her particular showers.                              
"Especially the taste,"                                     
He says, adding in haste,                                   
"If she hasn't drunk Fosters for hours."                    
                                                            
27017 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Peter Wilkins            



On the other hand, take Mr Wren:                            
A traditional sort of a man.                                
With him, naught goes to waste.                             
He likes second-hand taste --                               
Bishop's Finger and Old Speckled Hen.                       
                                                            
27018 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Ulla                     



A certain old fellow named Hadder                           
Long suffered from bugs in his bladder;                     
This caused him to pee                                      
Incontinently,                                              
And left him no wiser but sadder.                           
                                                            
27019 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Armand E Singer       677



There once was a fellow from Reading,                       
Who was always wetting the bedding.                         
His poor wife would say:                                    
"I don't mind the spray.                                    
It's the stench in the morning I'm dreading."               
                                                            
27020 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                     G1598a



There was an old man of Port Sydney                         
With a most undependable kidney.                            
Thus enhancing the chance                                   
He would pee in his pants --                                
So he should have worn diapers, didney?                     
                                                            
27021 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Keith MacMillan       70c



The groom of Miss Suzy, named Fred,                         
Since a kid, he peed in his bed.                            
But incredibly true,                                        
And a good thing for Sue,                                   
It desisted the day they were wed.                          
                                                            
27022 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Cap'n Bean          P2005



A bedpan a man from Ohio sent                               
To a pneumonia patient, nonviolent.                         
But when he tried to tinkle,                                
It made not a pinkle.                                       
The pneumonic pee is quite silent.                          
                                                            
27023 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



A young lass from years of long yore,                       
Had beer and then a lot more.                               
In the middle of passion,                                   
For the loo she went dashin',                               
But too late, she pissed on the floor.                      
                                                            
27024 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



Fido is sniffing my leg;                                    
He belongs to my neighbour, Old Peg.                        
And although he's quite cute,                               
He's gone peed on my boot...                                
Does this count as 'enthrallment', I beg?                   
                                                            
27025 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



My Granddad is so proud of me --                            
I don't wet my diapers, you see.                            
(I wait a few secs                                          
'Til he comes and checks,                                   
Then I pee all over his knee!)                              
                                                            
27026 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



Just be glad that the babe's not a guy.                     
'Cause nappy-change time's fun, and here's why:             
When his "bit" feels the air,                               
And he feels cold "down there",                             
He's real apt to just piss in your eye!                     
                                                            
27027 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



A woman I knew, indeed,                                     
Who would orgasm each time that she pee'd.                  
On her haunches she'd squat,                                
Exposing her twat                                           
To the world whenever she felt the need.                    
                                                            
27028 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



'Twas a dirty old man, this old coot,                       
To fuck without giving a hoot.                              
The girl was dismayed                                       
And contempt she displayed,                                 
When she squatted and pissed in his boot.                   
                                                            
27029 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



There once was a fellow named Sidney                        
Who had a remarkable kidney.                                
'Twas a sight to be seen;                                   
He could pee red or green,                                  
And it tasted like spearmint from Wrigley.                  
                                                            
27030 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



For men, cups are easy to fill;                             
They don't need a particular skill.                         
But the girls filling up                                    
The specimen cup,                                           
May leave spots on the floor from a spill.                  
                                                            
27031 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Edwin J Weinstein        



I once knew a lush name of Harald,                          
Who drank in the pubs and then caroled.                     
He sang with such glee,                                     
He'd forget to go pee;                                      
At night's end he was wetly appareled.                      
                                                            
27032 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  Jim Weaver Collection    



If she was already soaking,                                 
Should have made for easy poking.                           
Did she bend over                                           
The bike that drove 'er,                                    
To take your powerful stroking?                             
                                                            
27033 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE                           



Said Paula, "I must pause to piddle!"                       
Said Anton, "First answer this riddle:                      
Why must you girls pee                                      
When clearly you see                                        
That I'm just getting ready to diddle."                     
                                                            
27034 EXCRETIONS - URINE - SURPRISE  John Miller              



Knock, knock. "Yes?"  "I'm Desperate Dan."                  
"Not as desperate as I am, young man,                       
For I've not had a screw                                    
Since July '92;                                             
Get yer clothes off as fast as you can."                    
                                                            
27035 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



She moaned as she rapidly stripped,                         
For with animal lust she was gripped;                       
But this wasn't the plan                                    
Of young Desperate Dan;                                     
He just stared at her, trousers unzipped.                   
                                                            
27036 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



"For fuck's sake; don't stand there and drool.              
Can't you tell that I want it, you fool?"                   
"Yes I see; but my need                                     
Is much greater indeed                                      
Than your desperate need for my tool."                      
                                                            
27037 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



"You're scared!"   "No I'm not; I'm just limp."             
"Limp?", "Yes limp as a shrimp.                             
And I can't get it up."                                     
"Up?"  "Yes up, for a tup,"                                 
"Tup?"  "Or fuck."  "What a wimp."                          
                                                            
27038 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



"You can't be that desperate, Dan."                         
"Yes I am; I'm a desperate man,                             
For I'm bursting to pee                                     
After gallons of tea,                                       
And I'm urgently needing your can."                         
                                                            
27039 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



There once was a sailor named Brett,                        
The best pisser I have seen yet.                            
He could piss in a jar                                      
From the top gallant spar,                                  
And not get the sails even wet.                             
                                                            
27040 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   M. Elliot                



When it comes to male micturate,                            
On girlish nerves it does grate;                            
The ease of your action                                     
Causes female reaction                                      
Of envy at our cruel fate.                                  
                                                            
27041 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Alison Boden             



Ah yes! But when you're a male,                             
The plumbing is certain to fail,                            
With age, I'll bet you,                                     
Prostate will get you,                                      
And make for a very sad tale.                               
                                                            
27042 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Chris Papa               



You either can't go any more,                               
Or else it just leaks on the floor,                         
Or maybe C.A. (cancer)                                      
Will put you away,                                          
So try not to be very sore.                                 
                                                            
27043 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Chris Papa               



Seems he'd had a few drinks or more,                        
And was bragging of his pissing score.                      
Four people bet him                                         
That he couldn't wet 'em,                                   
From thirty feet off of the shore.                          
                                                            
27044 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Ericka                   



So he drank down 5 or 6 beers                               
And amid the clapping and cheers,                           
Swam nude, to the mark,                                     
Put his shifter in "park"                                   
And tried to range-find the piers.                          
                                                            
27045 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Ericka                   



He was close, but it still didn't matter.                   
Soon he had emptied his bladder.                            
"Irish, you goat,                                           
You owe a C-note!"                                          
They cried at his final splatter.                           
                                                            
27046 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Ericka                   



He had spent all his money before,                          
On booze and cigars and a whore.                            
So to pay off his debt                                      
To the waiting quartet,                                     
He needed a new way to score.                               
                                                            
27047 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Ericka                   



But it turned out the Judge loved a rhyme,                  
So Irish got off with served time.                          
But the Judge wants a 'limmer'                              
From the Irish pee swimmer,                                 
Every day now, to pay for his crime.                        
                                                            
27048 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Ericka                   



Some folks can get thrilled for hours                       
With a love-play they call "Golden Showers."                
Whick folks? You can tell                                   
By the way that they smell --                               
Rather more like an outhouse than flowers.                  
                                                            
27049 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Robin K. Willoughby P8710



And should there come lightning a-flash,                    
Along with cloudbursts from your gash,                      
We all could burn                                           
A blast from your stern.                                    
I'd grin as I lick my moustache.                            
                                                            
27050 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   H Whelchel               



Mary, who was cute beyond belief,                           
While camping, sore needed relief.                          
Off the trail, she squatted,                                
And poison oak gotted,                                      
And spent weeks standing in grief!                          
                                                            
27051 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Christopher Anton        



This tale I have told is quite true;                        
Take care where you piss, or you'll rue                     
The day that you said                                       
"I'll be a bridesmaid,"                                     
And itch at the wedding, till blue!                         
                                                            
27052 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Christopher Anton        



Can some local madam or sir                                 
Assist me as I take a whirr.                                
I was trained near Nantucket                                
To whizz in a bucket,                                       
While standing and combing my fur.                          
                                                            
27053 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



But carpel has tunnelled my grasp;                          
Hands gnarled are unable to clasp.                          
Mantilla or brush                                           
Through follicular bush,                                    
And trigger my bladder's collapse                           
                                                            
27054 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



I'm bloated but cannot burst free                           
With gallons to spray, at least three.                      
I don't care if you're jerkin'                              
While boffin my merkin,                                     
Please hurry, I'M ANXIOUS TO PEE!                           
                                                            
27055 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



My back teeth are floating away.                            
Had too much tea to drink today.                            
Can't get to the loo;                                       
Don't know what to do --                                    
Can't walk with my legs crossed this way!                   
                                                            
27056 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



That gal is one talented lass.                              
She can type, walk and hold on to her ass.                  
If you don't want to pee                                    
Don't drink so much tea.                                    
Just eat beans, then you'll only have gas.                  
                                                            
27057 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



My aunt, may her soul be in heaven,                         
On a dirt road one night 'round eleven,                     
On returning from work,                                     
Was harassed by a jerk,                                     
The village fool called Drunken Kevin.                      
                                                            
27058 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Dirruk                   



In panic the poor woman fled                                
From the drunken bum she had just met,                      
And the dangers so grave,                                   
To a place she thought safe;                                
There behind a small hedge near a shed.                     
                                                            
27059 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Dirruk                   



Now it's certainly not a great sin,                         
When you've had a good time at the inn,                     
To drain off some water;                                    
A liter and a quarter;                                      
That's common after a gallon of gin.                        
                                                            
27060 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Dirruk                   



So Kevin looked for a good place                            
To let go and do it with some grace.                        
So the hedge was his choice                                 
And my poor auntie Joyce,                                   
Got the ballast all over her face.                          
                                                            
27061 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Dirruk                   



A tomboy who hiked o'er the land                            
Once showed me a trick with her hand.                       
She zipped down her pants,                                  
Adjusted her stance,                                        
And peed out my name in the sand.                           
                                                            
27062 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   H WHELCHEL               



Now, seeing it done with great ease,                        
I seek to teach others this squeeze.                        
This one-male dominion --                                   
The ladies opinion?                                         
Can any girl piss in the breeze?                            
                                                            
27063 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   H WHELCHEL               



It is really quite tricky to try,                           
But if you don't want to pee down your thigh,               
Just pee through a straw,                                   
As those males gape in awe,                                 
As you stand with legs opened and dry.                      
                                                            
27064 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Jayne                    



There was a woman from Buffalo                              
Who challenged a fellow to show                             
That he could pee                                           
Much higher than she;                                       
How could the stout fellow say no?                          
                                                            
27065 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Karen                    



So they went on out back of the pub;                        
She put puss to the wall and said "Bub,                     
I'm going first;                                            
I'm about to burst."                                        
Then she proceded to let go a flood.                        
                                                            
27066 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Karen                    



She managed about three feet high,                          
So the Bub whipped open his fly,                            
Grabbed hold of this thing,                                 
But the "Lady" did sing:                                    
"The rules are no hands, by the by!"                        
                                                            
27067 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Karen                    



"Your boy," said a farmer named Joe,                        
"Has got to stop seeing my Flo.                             
My girl was along --                                        
I know I'm not wrong --                                     
Last night when he pissed in the snow."                     
                                                            
27068 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   A. N. Wilkins       P8511



Said his friend, "Isn't that rather tame?                   
Does the boy deserve all that much blame,                   
If that's all that he's done?"                              
"It isn't. Your son,"                                       
Replied Joe, "went and spelled out her name."               
                                                            
27069 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   A. N. Wilkins       P8511



He answered, "I still don't see, though,                    
Why you've got your dander up so."                          
"Well, damn it!" he swore,                                  
"I've a right to be sore.                                   
It's in Flo's own handwriting, I know."                     
(Randolf's book of folklore "Pissing in the Snow")          
27070 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   A. N. Wilkins       P8511



A certain young woman named Chris,                          
Said, "How odd that young men stand to piss.                
After all, it's less taxing,                                
And much more relaxing,                                     
Just to sit down, as I do, like this."                      
                                                            
27071 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Isaac Asimov             



There was a young woman named Chris,                        
Who said, when she squatted to piss,                        
"Men aren't too bright,                                     
They do it upright,                                         
When it's simpler to do it like this."                      
                                                            
27072 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Isaac Asimov             



In Vegas one day, it was hot;                               
I'd drunk rather more than a lot.                           
I wanted a pee,                                             
But all I could see                                         
To use was a fruit machine slot.                            
                                                            
27073 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



I finished, the thing made a fizz,                          
As circuits were shorting: the dis-                         
Play flickered and clicked                                  
Up 3 lemons, then kicked                                    
Out winnings... a gallon of piss.                           
                                                            
27074 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



That practice is nasty and strange,                         
And your parts can become disarranged.                      
If this warning's not ample,                                
Learn from my example:                                      
Stay out of the ones that make change.                      
                                                            
27075 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                            



There was a young fellow named Chris,                       
Whose orgasms forced him to piss.                           
And most girls objected                                     
To having injected                                          
A flood of his piss, 'midst their bliss.                    
                                                            
27076 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                       L0758



A vain girl, a smart little floozy,                         
Saw reason for being less choosey.                          
Said this sensible miss,                                    
"Well, anyway, Chris,                                       
You piss certainly cleans out my coozie."                   
                                                            
27077 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES                       L0759



When bursting to go in the night,                           
Or when beer has affected my sight,                         
Then the first thing I think                                
Of is using the sink,                                       
For it's such a convenient height.                          
                                                            
27078 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



It's a gentleman's duty to do                               
It in sinks, if his aim isn't true.                         
For it shows that he cares                                  
For the lady he shares,                                     
By not splashing the seat of the loo.                       
                                                            
27079 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



When your arse is all painful and battered,                 
And the toilet bowl truly is splattered,                    
Take real good care,                                        
When wiping down there;                                     
Check the paper is not used and tattered!                   
                                                            
27080 EXCRETIONS - URINE - ZSERIES   Jayne                    



There once was an orangatan,                                
Who would eat nothing else but meringue.                    
He sat on the floor,                                        
And ate forty-four,                                         
'Till the stupid old monkey went BANG!                      
                                                            
27081 EXPLOSIONS                                              



There was a young fellow named Bill,                        
Who took an atomic pill.                                    
His navel corroded,                                         
His asshole exploded,                                       
And they found his nuts in Brazil!                          
                                                            
27082 EXPLOSIONS                     Albin Chaplin 3024  L1134



The progress of man never ceases!                           
According to late news releases,                            
There's a bomb on the strip                                 
Christened "R.I.P. -- Rip."                                 
"Rest in Peace" has become "Rest in pieces."                
                                                            
27083 EXPLOSIONS                     Laurence Perrine    P8406



A scattered young fellow named Ray,                         
Exploded at night in Bombay;                                
His fingers were found                                      
On the roof and the ground,                                 
And his head was a half-mile away.                          
                                                            
27084 EXPLOSIONS                     Cap'n Bean          P2006



A flatulent plumber called Hart                             
Could not get his blowtorch to start.                       
So he then struck a match,                                  
Saying, "Now it will catch"--                               
Thus extinguishing Hart, lamp, and fart.                    
                                                            
27085 EXPLOSIONS                                              



A tourist at fair Galway Bay,                               
Made fireworks on a hot summer's day.                       
He dipped his cigar                                         
In the gunpowder jar,                                       
Now the fish have got fat in the bay!                       
                                                            
27086 EXPLOSIONS                     Linda Marsh Coll         



A foolish young anarchist, Tom,                             
Started fooling about with a bomb.                          
They got most of him up                                     
With a teaspoon and cup,                                    
And the rest with a hairbrush and comb.                     
                                                            
27087 EXPLOSIONS                     H. G. Dixey              



His party was robust, I guess;                              
The fireworks his guests impressed.                         
Sparks from the first shot                                  
Exploded the whole lot;                                     
He died quite a booming success.                            
                                                            
27088 EXPLOSIONS                     Gerald Bosacker          



A sailor from near Lake Louise,                             
Was so bitten by chiggers and fleas,                        
He applied kerosene                                         
And set fire to his skin.                                   
He's now sailing over the trees!                            
                                                            
27089 EXPLOSIONS                                              



A cautious young chemist named Mound                        
Was surprised (but not hurt) when he found                  
That A mixed with B                                         
In the presence of C                                        
Made a hole (ringed with dirt) in the ground.               
                                                            
27090 EXPLOSIONS                     Chris Marks              



She wore, not a Dutch cap, but Russian.                     
She's dead now, her mate had concussion.                    
She'd live life idyllic,                                    
If she'd read cyrillic,                                     
Which said that the cap was percussion.                     
                                                            
27091 EXPLOSIONS                                              



There once was a man in a fit                               
Who just wasn't able to shit.                               
He struggled and cursed,                                    
But he swelled up and burst--                               
A hell of a fate, you'll admit.                             
                                                            
27092 EXPLOSIONS                                         G1383



There once was a young Boy Scout troop,                     
Who lit off their farts in a group.                         
The critical mass                                           
Of their unit ass,                                          
Reacted and blew out their poop.                            
                                                            
27093 EXPLOSIONS                     H WHELCHEL               



Of course our friend Rocky knew that,                       
Bullwinkle's trick would fall flat.                         
"But this time will be cool,                                
Now watch while I pull,                                     
A cruise missile out of my hat."                            
                                                            
27094 EXPLOSIONS                                              



"What d'ya know, it finally worked,"                        
And the missile took off with a lurch.                      
Headed straight for Kosavo,                                 
Amid much bravado,                                          
Up the ass of their number one jerk.                        
                                                            
27095 EXPLOSIONS                                              



A combustible woman from Thang                              
Exploded one day with a BANG!                               
The maid then rushed in                                     
And said with a grin,                                       
"Pardon me, madam -- you rang?"                             
                                                            
27096 EXPLOSIONS                     Spike Milligan           



There was a young student of Queens,                        
Who was fond of explosive machines.                         
He once blew up a door                                      
But he'll do it no more,                                    
For it chanced that the door was the Dean's.                
                                                            
27097 EXPLOSIONS                     Arthur C. Hilton         



A fireworks launcher named Bloom                            
Kept rockets inside of his room,                            
Till a fellow named Art                                     
Sparked a fire, with a fart,                                
And the whole fucking place went KABOOM!                    
                                                            
27098 EXPLOSIONS                     Cap'n Bean               



There once was a maiden named Rhoda,                        
Who drank many bottles of soda,                             
She slurped so much fizz--                                  
Well, it's none of my biz--                                 
But one day she's gonna explode-a.                          
                                                            
27099 EXPLOSIONS                                              



A new servant maid named Maria,                             
Had trouble lighting the fire.                              
The wood it was green,                                      
So she used gasoline;                                       
Now she's gone where the fuel is much dryer.                
                                                            
27100 EXPLOSIONS                     Anon                     



There once was a man from Rome,                             
Who was cleaning his pants in his home.                     
He used gasoline,                                           
'Twas the last ever seen                                    
Of him or his pants or his home.                            
                                                            
27101 EXPLOSIONS                     Wayne F. Barney          



While the jack-booters watched, Farmer Fred                 
Made two trips, but stored all in one shed.                 
So the two parts, alas,                                     
Achieved critical mass,                                     
Atomizing both Farmer and Fed.                              
(ammonium nitrate fertilizer and diesel fuel)               
27102 EXPLOSIONS                     William N. Nesbit   P9704



A vain-glorious lady named Greta                            
Used candles to see herself better.                         
But a buildup of gas                                        
While she gazed at her ass..                                
Poor Greta! We'll never forget her!                         
                                                            
27103 EXPLOSIONS                     Arden                    



Now Greta, it then came to pass                             
Was really flamed up the ass.                               
Now when she farts,                                         
Throughout all her parts,                                   
It really is quite a blast.                                 
                                                            
27104 EXPLOSIONS                     Arden                    



There once was a Chief of the Sioux,                        
Who into a gun-barrel blew,                                 
To see if 'twas loaded;                                     
The rifle exploded--                                        
As he should have known it would do.                        
                                                            
27105 EXPLOSIONS                     Michael Kilgarriff  P9309



There was a young man of Herne Bay,                         
Who was making explosives one day;                          
He dropped his cigar                                        
In the gunpowder jar.                                       
There WAS a young man of Herne Bay.                         
                                                            
27106 EXPLOSIONS                     Anon                     



There was a young woman named Vivian,                       
Who had a dear friend, a Bolivian,                          
Who dropped his cigar                                       
In a gunpowder jar--                                        
His spirit is now in oblivion.                              
                                                            
27107 EXPLOSIONS                     Langford Reed            



Guy pleaded, "There's really no plot...                     
The powder?...You say quite a lot?                          
Well, I did put some there,                                 
But beheading's unfair!                                     
I stored some away, then forgot..."                         
                                                            
27108 EXPLOSIONS                     TuttaGioia               



With nitro inside his sombrero,                             
A hat dancer did the bolero.                                
He fell on his hat                                          
And the burst blew his pratt                                
And his cod to Rio De Janeiro.                              
                                                            
27109 EXPLOSIONS                     Bob Giandomenico    P8806



The lord of the manor, Sir Stoat,                           
Suffered from terminal bloat;                               
He exploded one day;                                        
They found balls in the hay,                                
And part of his scrote in the moat.                         
                                                            
27110 EXPLOSIONS                     Tutta                    



A young man known only as Brown                             
Wished to be a man of renown;                               
He wandered, one night,                                     
Through a blasting site;                                    
Now he's known as a man about town.                         
                                                            
27111 EXPLOSIONS                     Margaret A. Murdock P8402



There was a rash man in old Edo,                            
Who swallowed one day a torpedo.                            
He fell off a cart                                          
And the folks heard him fart,                               
Just a mile and a half from Toledo.                         
                                                            
27112 EXPLOSIONS                                         G1474



An ambitious girl in Kilskire,                              
Used gasoline lighting a fire.                              
She soared into the sky,                                    
Without even "Goodbye!"                                     
Now her place in the world is much higher.                  
                                                            
27113 EXPLOSIONS                                              



It sure is a hell of a note,                                
You can't even get on a boat,                               
Without some damn weird                                     
Asshole with a beard,                                       
Who uses explosives to vote.                                
                                                            
27114 EXPLOSIONS                     Larry Davis         P8511



In a conference, lonely Fred posted                         
His plea for a friendly young co-ed.                        
The response was frenetic                                   
From gals energetic,                                        
But he died when his modem exploded.                        
                                                            
27115 EXPLOSIONS                     Jim Weaver Collection    



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Tossed their "toy" right back to some teens.                
It was a homemade                                           
Pipe bomb or grenade.                                       
It blew them all to smithereens!                            
                                                            
27116 EXPLOSIONS                     Marty              TP9807



Young Chuck and his old uncle Jake                          
Decided one day they would take                             
Their Cherokee Jeep,                                        
(Brand new and not cheap)                                   
And go fish on the big frozen lake.                         
                                                            
27117 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



They drove it right out on the ice,                         
Then hunted a useful device                                 
To make an ice hole,                                        
And thought, on the whole,                                  
A dynamite stick would suffice.                             
                                                            
27118 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



With a match the fuse was alight,                           
So they threw it with all of their might.                   
Their dog thought, game on,                                 
They've tossed me a bone,                                   
And scampered away in full flight.                          
                                                            
27119 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



The dog being taught to retrieve,                           
Grabbed the stick and although told to leave,               
Came back at full run,                                      
Enjoying the fun,                                           
The two men now started to grieve.                          
                                                            
27120 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



His shotgun was now grabbed by Chuck;                       
He fired; the poor dog was struck.                          
"Hey, this ain't much fun",                                 
Thinks the dog and now runs                                 
Sore and bleeding right under the truck.                    
                                                            
27121 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



So at last young Chuck and old Jake                         
Have decided they made a mistake.                           
They can only swear,                                        
Shake their fists in the air,                               
With the Jeep on the bed of the lake.                       
                                                            
27122 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



Chuck claimed for his lost Cherokee,                        
But the insurance firm would not agree.                     
They showed him the clause,                                 
Excluding the cause --                                      
Misuse of explosives, you see...                            
                                                            
27123 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



You may think this story absurd,                            
But I will stand by every word.                             
All of those claims,                                        
Apart from the names,                                       
I spotted in "Land Rover World."                            
                                                            
27124 EXPLOSIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



Innocent Elliot Pitts                                       
Was casually picking his zits,                              
When one he eroded                                          
Abruptly exploded,                                          
And blew the poor fellow to bits.                           
                                                            
27125 EXPLOSIONS                     Nick D Kim               



A young science student named Rube                          
Mixed some chemicals in a test tube.                        
The resulting explosion                                     
Caused quite a commotion,                                   
In a blast like a giant flash-cube!                         
                                                            
27126 EXPLOSIONS                     Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a man named Turner,                          
Considered a very slow learner.                             
He drank a gallon of gas,                                   
Put a match to his ass,                                     
And ignited his own afterburner.                            
                                                            
27127 EXPLOSIONS                     Puff Adder               



A brash Japaneses pyromantic,                               
Did his thing on a tanker gigantic.                         
With emotions achurn,                                       
He ignited his stern;                                       
'Twas the first man to fry the Atrantic.                    
                                                            
27128 EXPLOSIONS                     Pierce Evans             



An old electrician named Sy,                                
While working one night in July,                            
He fingered a socket,                                       
Flew up like a rocket,                                      
And lit up the indigo sky.                                  
                                                            
27129 EXPLOSIONS                     Cap'n Bean               



A curious lad in Milnocket,                                 
Went to bed with a solid-fuel rocket.                       
As he tossed in his sleep,                                  
He ignited the heap,                                        
Now he's worn by his girl in a locket.                      
                                                            
27130 EXPLOSIONS                                              



Fertilizer and fuel that he ships                           
Need to be done, in separate trips.                         
Brown sure lit up the gloom                                 
When his pickup went BOOM!                                  
So now he's looking for landing strips.                     
                                                            
27131 EXPLOSIONS                     Tom Patton          P9705



A careless young chemist called Corbett                     
Spilled nitro and tried to absorb it.                       
He used glycerine                                           
And was recently seen                                       
Completing his twentieth orbit.                             
                                                            
27132 EXPLOSIONS                     Odd Bodkins         P0107



A professor with high mental strife,                        
Decided to murder his wife.                                 
A bomb sent through the mail                                
Her long life did curtail;                                  
He was arrested and sentenced to life.                      
                                                            
27133 EXPLOSIONS                     Arthur Pattaffy          



A young terrorist from Belfast                              
Was killed by crossed wires, in a shell blast.              
As a dire consequence,                                      
He's now in the past tense,                                 
As he met with his friends in hellfast!                     
                                                            
27134 EXPLOSIONS                     Arthur Pattaffy          



A little boy way down in Natchez                            
Sat down upon powder and matches.                           
For the seat of war                                         
He hankers no more,                                         
Though re-inforced well with patches.                       
                                                            
27135 EXPLOSIONS                     Anon                     



There once was a fellow named Bill                          
Who swallowed a nuclear pill.                               
When the doctor said "Cough!"                               
The damn thing went off,                                    
And his head was picked up in Brazil.                       
                                                            
27136 EXPLOSIONS                     Dave Kone                



In their eyes they begin to feel tears;                     
They smelt gas!  In their minds they had fears.             
With a blast and a whoof,                                   
They went out through the roof;                             
Their first time, out together in years!                    
                                                            
27137 EXPLOSIONS                     Arthur Pattaffy          



We need Patriots, yes we do!                                
But flesh and blood heroes won't do.                        
When unrest keeps growing,                                  
Some smart missle-stowing                                   
Could blow up a tyrant or two!                              
                                                            
27138 EXPLOSIONS                     Ann Gasser          P9501



A rather large missle or bomb                               
Is heading for bad General Som.                             
He's got ten seconds to lunge                               
Or be mopped up with a sponge.                              
KABOOM!  I miss-timed the bomb.                             
                                                            
27139 EXPLOSIONS                     Anon                     



Sam micro'd his bluebird one day,                           
An upstarty preener named Kay.                              
Her guts they exploded;                                     
Sam cried, "Well Ho Ho! Did                                 
You hear? I've a REAL popinjay!"                            
                                                            
27140 EXPLOSIONS                     Tutta Gioia              



A fellow once from the Bosphorous                           
Loved to meddle around with phosphorous.                    
He set fire to a dame;                                      
To himself did the same;                                    
A lighting form both thought preposterous.                  
                                                            
27141 EXPLOSIONS                     Feldspar D. Milano       



A patient young Girl Scout named Hayes,                     
Rubbed two faggots together for days.                       
'Till she happened to pass                                  
A portion of gas,                                           
Which kindled a wonderful blaze.                            
                                                            
27142 EXPLOSIONS                     Frank Richards           



He applied a plethora of heat                               
To a gasoline can (indescreet),                             
Then he sat on the can.                                     
(A very odd man)                                            
And the dummy blew off half his seat!                       
                                                            
27143 EXPLOSIONS                     Al Willis                



A pyrotechnician named Murray                               
Was killed in a violent fury;                               
His fingers were found                                      
Out on Long Island Sound,                                   
And his feet, in the hills of Missouri.                     
                                                            
27144 EXPLOSIONS                     Cap'n Bean          P0106



A man with a criminal past                                  
Was killed in a violent blaast;                             
His organs and bones                                        
Were scattered like stones;                                 
The expanse that they covered was vast.                     
                                                            
27145 EXPLOSIONS                     Cap'n Bean          P0204



There once was a young man named Halls,                     
Who made nitroglycerin balls.                               
As he walked toward the door,                               
He tripped on the floor.                                    
He's now being scraped off the walls!                       
                                                            
27146 EXPLOSIONS                     Georgie Tyrebiter        



Not searching for downed UFO's,                             
Nor hints of a Bigfoot (or toes),                           
In the trees and the vines a'                               
West North Carolina,                                        
Feds are looking for Rudolph's red nose.                    
(clinic bomber Rudolph hiding in mountains 1998)            
27147 EXPLOSIONS                     Knotweed                 



Said a fooling young lady of Wales,                         
"A smell of gas prevails."                                  
Then she searched with a light,                             
And later that night,                                       
Was collected in seventeen pails.                           
                                                            
27148 EXPLOSIONS                     Langford Reed            



The Polish mailbomber's retired,                            
But the rumor is that he was fired.                         
Seems the poor dope                                         
Wrote on each envelope,                                     
"SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED".                                   
                                                            
27149 EXPLOSIONS                     Writerman                



Thanks to the effect, one assumes,                          
Of the pressure of internal fumes,                          
The corpse of Lord Crate,                                   
While lying in state,                                       
Exploded and spattered three rooms.                         
                                                            
27150 EXPLOSIONS                     Beelzebub          TP9802



A practical joker named Lars                                
Liked to hand out exploding cigars.                         
One particular bloke,                                       
The butt of his joke,                                       
Has his sphincter in orbit 'round Mars.                     
                                                            
27151 EXPLOSIONS                     Brian Fothergill         



There once was a student named Bloom                        
Who was very intent on his doom;                            
He swallowed a bomb,                                        
With an eerie aplomb,                                       
And exploded all over his room.                             
                                                            
27152 EXPLOSIONS                     Cap'n Bean          P0108



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
Whose heiny got stuck in a bucket.                          
To blast it apart,                                          
He let out a fart;                                          
But three people were too late to duck it!                  
                                                            
27153 EXPLOSIONS                     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young scholar from Rhodes                       
Who prayed to learn all that was 'knowed'.                  
God granted his desire;                                     
He became quite inspired;                                   
His head did quickly explode!                               
                                                            
27154 EXPLOSIONS                     James Satoshi            



A one-night-stand, but what a bash!                         
With musicians, of course, smoking hash;                    
But the Fire Marshal squawked,                              
Closed the hall while we gawked;                            
"All this methane is likely to flash!"                      
                                                            
27155 EXPLOSIONS                                              



A lady whose name was Louise                                
Declared she was bothered by fleas.                         
She used gasoline                                           
And later was seen                                          
Sailing over the hills and the trees.                       
                                                            
27156 EXPLOSIONS                     Young Lady...Alice  P0104



There once was a young man named John                       
Who found in his bedroom a bomb.                            
He looked at the time                                       
Which was quarter past nine                                 
And in two seconds flat he was gone.                        
                                                            
27157 EXPLOSIONS                     David Ollard age 10      



A boy found some dynamite,                                  
And the wick, he did indeed light,                          
Thinking it was a candle.                                   
But t'was too hot to handle;                                
The explosion was a wondrous sight.                         
                                                            
27158 EXPLOSIONS                                              



To the jury he said his objective                           
Was to prove, without rant or invective,                    
That the dynamite phallus                                   
Could not have killed Alice,                                
If the product had not been defective.                      
                                                            
27159 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            A. N. Wilkins       P8507



There was a young girl from Dundee                          
Who exploded at twenty past three.                          
They found lots of bits,                                    
Including both tits,                                        
At the top of a thirty foot tree.                           
                                                            
27160 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Anon                     



There was a young woman named Meg                           
Who sat on a big powder keg.                                
But her rear was so hot                                     
It ignited the lot.                                         
Now Meg's whereabouts are quite vague.                      
                                                            
27161 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Warrick Elrod       P0208



A swollen-pants lecher from Bodenham,                       
(His balls bear a supersized load in 'em),                  
Is way oversexed                                            
And worries that next                                       
The contents will likely explode in 'em.                    
                                                            
27162 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Armand E Singer      430A



There was a young man of Malacca,                           
Who always slept on his left knacker.                       
One Saturday night,                                         
He slept on his right,                                      
And his knacker went off like a cracker.                    
                                                            
27163 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                L1194



There was an old man from Brazil                            
Who one day took the wrong pill.                            
His heart expired,                                          
His ass back-fired,                                         
And his balls were blown over the hill.                     
                                                            
27164 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Bulldog            TP9804



An endowed birthday boy named Fred,                         
Just couldn't wait to be fed.                               
Such a blow did he make,                                    
When he blew out the cake,                                  
That his pecker exploded instead.                           
                                                            
27165 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Mr Wine                  



There's less of that Nob Hill young lass,                   
Whose head landed near Manchac Pass.                        
Found come on her lips;                                     
Her chin had fresh drips,                                   
But Bama's where she dropped her ass.                       
                                                            
27166 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                     



Jill did a thing truly heinous.                             
She stuffed an H-bomb up her anus.                          
He clit reached the stars;                                  
Her face attained Mars;                                     
Her shit became part of Uranus.                             
                                                            
27167 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            H WHELCHEL               



There was a young fellow of Grasse                          
Who constructed a condum of brass.                          
The first time he retired,                                  
The damn thing backfired,                                   
And blew off both balls and his ass.                        
                                                            
27168 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                               G2037a



A lunatic youth from Dungannon                              
Was convinced his prick was a cannon;                       
But when it was loaded,                                     
The damn thing exploded --                                  
His balls were picked up near the Shannon.                  
                                                            
27169 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Jim Weaver Collection    



A terrorest Palestine ace                                   
Was killed by a Jewess named Grace.                         
Her masterful plot                                          
Was a bomb in her twat,                                     
And she blew up her cunt in his face.                       
                                                            
27170 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Albin Chaplin   3024-2848



Dinah's trained how to use dynamite,                        
Quite often she looks quite a sight.                        
In a helmet of steel,                                       
She still has sex appeal.                                   
If you want a good time, dinah might.                       
                                                            
27171 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Arthur Pattaffy          



Nymphomaniacal Jill                                         
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill.                         
They found her labia                                        
In Saudi Arabia,                                            
And bits of her teats in Brazil.                            
                                                            
27172 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                     



There once was a Polack named Ted,                          
Who took a young lass to his bed.                           
Instead of a prick,                                         
A dynamite stick;                                           
When she came, 'twas a blast, so it's said.                 
                                                            
27173 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old lady from Phlox,                           
Who set dynamite off in her box.                            
When asked the sensation,                                   
She cried with elation,                                     
"It's better than elephant cocks!"                          
                                                            
27174 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Pete Baker               



There once was a woman in China,                            
Stuck dynamite up her vagina.                               
She lit it on fire                                          
In suicidal ire;                                            
It blew her to South Carolina.                              
                                                            
27175 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Anon                     



A horny woman once did push                                 
Some firecrackers up in her puss!                           
She was planning on havin'                                  
An explosive orgasm,                                        
But she burned off most of her bush!                        
                                                            
27176 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Jim Weaver Collection    



In Hyde where the red roses bloom,                          
Jane used lighter fuel as perfume.                          
But frictional heat                                         
From boyfriend Tom's meat,                                  
Made them both disappear with a boom.                       
                                                            
27177 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                     



A young celebate couple from Bowdoin,                       
Groaned, "Our will to resist is erodin'.                    
We soon may be doin'                                        
Some long-deferred screwin',                                
'Cause right now our hormones are explodin'."               
                                                            
27178 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Chris O'Carrol           



They tell of a lass named Regina                            
Who put objects inside her vagina.                          
She kept packing her hole                                   
Until it was full,                                          
And BOOM! Her asshole's in China.                           
                                                           I
27179 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl with no class,                        
Gave simultaneous head, crotch, and ass.                    
When her three guys unload,                                 
They'll watch her explode                                   
And sing "Pumpin' that gash is a gas!"                      
                                                            
27180 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Jim Weaver Collection    



Nymphomaniacal Jill                                         
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill.                         
The cheeks of her ass                                       
Landed up in Madras,                                        
And the bits of her tits in Brazil.                         
                                                            
27181 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                G2147



Strangest chemistry I've ever seen                          
Was what Richard and Liz had between.                       
It lasted for years;                                        
Fraught with fights, booze and tears,                       
Sparked by their trinitrotoluene.                           
                                                            
27182 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



There once was a prudish young lass,                        
Who was taught that she mustn't pass gas.                   
Her boy friend, one night,                                  
Blew high as a kite,                                        
When he mistook her cunt for her ass!                       
                                                            
27183 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                     



A neurotic young man from Tulane,                           
Caused his mother considerable pain.                        
He poured nitroglycerin                                     
Where his dad put his pisser in,                            
And then threw her under a train.                           
                                                            
27184 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                L1549



A stalwart of Stalin named Adam                             
Took a potshot at splitting the atom.                       
He blew off his penis,                                      
And now, just between us,                                   
He's know 'round the Kremlin as "Madam."                    
                                                            
27185 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                G1971



There was an old man of Penang                              
Whose ballocks went off with a bang.                        
His foreskin flew back                                      
With a terrible 'snack'                                     
And his asshole whistled and sang.                          
                                                            
27186 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                G2032



There was a young lad, Jimmy Lockett,                       
Who kept in his pocket a rocket,                            
Which started to bubble                                     
And fizz at the double,                                     
When Liz put her hand in his pocket.                        
                                                            
27187 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL            Peter Wilkins            



There was a young fellow named Tom,                         
Who ran screaming home to his mom.                          
The fear of the Bomb                                        
Scared him back to the womb--                               
The bastard, he wasn't so dumb!                             
                                                            
27188 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                L1226



There was a young man named Crockett,                       
Whose balls got caught in a socket.                         
His wife was a bitch,                                       
So she turned the switch,                                   
And Crockett went off like a rocket.                        
                                                            
27189 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                     



There was a young lady of Dexter,                           
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her.                        
For whenever they'd start,                                  
He'd unfailingly fart,                                      
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.                  
                                                            
27190 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                L0693



Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?                     
He was blown down the street by a rocket.                   
The force of the blast,                                     
Blew his balls up his ass,                                  
And his pecker was found in his pocket.                     
                                                            
27191 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                L1191



There once was a whore on the dock                          
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock,                       
Till one day it was said,                                   
She gave so much head,                                      
She exploded and whitewashed the block.                     
                                                            
27192 EXPLOSIONS - SEXUAL                                     



The Freudian art of analysis                                
Would fall into total paralysis,                            
If men could abjure                                         
Coition's allure,                                           
And all that's related to phalluses.                        
                                                            
27193 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Norm Storer         P9201



A quirky old gent, name of Freud,                           
Was, not without reason, annoyed                            
That his concept of Id,                                     
And all that Id did,                                        
Was so starkly and loosely employed.                        
                                                            
27194 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Martin Fagg         P0001



I've just spent some twenty-nine quid                       
To banish my ego and id.                                    
"Away with young Tom                                        
And that Shaft", with aplomb                                
Said my doctor, Freud Sigmund, he did.                      
                                                            
27195 FAMOUS - FREUD                                          



Sigmund Freud says that one who reflects,                   
Sees that sex has far-reaching effects.                     
For bottled-up urges                                        
Come out in great surges                                    
In directions that no-one expects.                          
                                                            
27196 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Peter Alexander          



The basis of human society,                                 
Says Freud, is castration anxiety.                          
It makes us create                                          
The political state,                                        
Religion, and art, and podiatry.                            
                                                            
27197 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Norm Storer         P9201



What his fetish was, young Mein Herr Zearing                
Would never reveal in the hearing                           
Of the great Sigmund Freud,                                 
Who was greatly annoyed,                                    
But he never learned it was an earring.                     
                                                            
27198 FAMOUS - FREUD                 A. N. Wilkins       P8708



"If you dream", said the eminent Freud,                     
"Your Id is in doubt, or annoyed,                           
By nueroses complex                                         
From suppression of sex,                                    
So passions are best enjoyed."                              
                                                            
27199 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Russell Miller           



The masses, declaimed Doctor Freud,                         
Are seldom so peacefully employed,                          
As in the position                                          
Described as coition,                                       
So it's nice that it's widely enjoyed.                      
                                                            
27200 FAMOUS - FREUD                                          



Freud said, "Colleagues, these theories of mine             
I espouse from small reason or rhyme.                       
One thing in our favor,                                     
We cherish and savor.                                       
We're expensive and money is time."                         
                                                            
27201 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



When an obstinate fellow of Fife,                           
Insisted on loving his wife,                                
Denying obsessions,                                         
And dreams and repressions,                                 
The Freudians feared for his life.                          
                                                            
27202 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Allen M Laing            



The great psychoanalyst Freud                               
Revealed his own sex life was void.                         
A girl from Montego                                         
Then altered his ego.                                       
Fellatio was all she employed.                              
                                                            
27203 FAMOUS - FREUD                 David Miller        P8208



At FIN DE SIECLE, Freud, taught he,                         
That those proper folks, prim and haughty,                  
With habits severe,                                         
Lived, under veneer,                                        
In hot private lives that were naughty.                     
                                                            
27204 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Chris Papa               



A psychiatrist fellow, quite Jung,                          
Asked his wife, "May I bugger your bung?"                   
And he was so much annoyed                                  
When he found her a-Freud,                                  
He went out in the yard and ate dung.                       
                                                            
27205 FAMOUS - FREUD                                     L0478



Re: Freud, here's the unvarnished poop:                     
He flew planes and invented the loop.                       
Though he sailed quite a lot,                               
He'd no skill tying knots,                                  
And his craft was a Freudian Sloop.                         
                                                            
27206 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



Just think, had Sigmund understood                          
Exhibitionists, why then it could                           
Have caused him to give rise                                
To a business which thrives                                 
And call it, "Freudricks of Hollywood."                     
                                                            
27207 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



There was a young girl of East Anglia,                      
Whose loins were a tangle of ganglia.                       
Her mind was a webbing,                                     
Of Freud and Kraft-Ebbing,                                  
And all sorts of other new-fanglia.                         
                                                            
27208 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Aldous Huxley       L1414



The gunslinging coyboy on trips,                            
Through frigidity, his pistol grips.                        
Making such puns                                            
On the cold and guns,                                       
On the ice the poor Freudian slips.                         
                                                            
27209 FAMOUS - FREUD                                          



Ve riled up the great Sigmund Freud.                        
That vizard was really annoyed.                             
Ve called him a quack,                                      
And he had to fight back.                                   
From his lips came a bold, nasty void.                      
                                                            
27210 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Al Willis          TP9802



Confession is good for the soul.                            
I dream day and night of a hole:                            
It's lined with red silk,                                   
And the doorknobs squirt milk--                             
Do you think Doctor Freud should be tole?                   
                                                            
27211 FAMOUS - FREUD                                     G2510



Sigmund Freud was so slick and so sly                       
In his suit and his somber necktie.                         
Stroked his beard, it was gray                              
And just then he would say,                                 
"Good morning! You are fine, how am I?"                     
                                                            
27212 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Tom Patton               



According to old Sigmund Freud,                             
Life is seldom so well enjoyed,                             
As in human coition,                                        
In any position,                                            
With the usual organs employed.                             
                                                            
27213 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Anon                G0077



The psychoanalysist Freud                                   
Discovered some husbands annoyed,                           
When wives came to SIG                                      
With problems too big,                                      
And Sigmund a couch then employed.                          
(SIG - special interest group)                              
27214 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Irving Superior          



An erotic neurotic named Sid,                               
Got his Ego confused with his Id.                           
His errant libido                                           
Was like a torpedo,                                         
And that's why he done what he did.                         
                                                            
27215 FAMOUS - FREUD                                     L1545



Did you know there were two Sigmund Freuds?                 
One loved nymphomaniacal boids.                             
But the other -- the prude                                  
Who wrote books that were lewd --                           
Had his testicles insured by Lloyds.                        
                                                            
27216 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Anon                     



Sex therapist, famed Sigmund Freud,                         
Taught having great sex never cloyed,                       
But anal or oral,                                           
Fraternal, sororal                                          
Were off-limits paths to avoid.                             
                                                            
27217 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Armand E Singer       949



A handsome psychiatrist, Lloyd,                             
Caused his girlfriend to feel much annoyed,                 
By noting her quirks                                        
With lascivious smirks,                                     
But his list came entirely from Freud.                      
                                                            
27218 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Norm Storer              



There was a young man from Toledo,                          
Who traveled about incognito.                               
The reason he did,                                          
Was to bolster his id,                                      
While appeasing his savage libido.                          
                                                            
27219 FAMOUS - FREUD                                          



The sex life of Freud was a shame.                          
Erections -- the lack of -- to blame.                       
Girls called him a wimp.                                    
He'd always go limp,                                        
So LIMP SIG his nickname became.                            
(pun on Lim SIG)                                            
27220 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Irving Superior          



All the women here speak of our failing;                    
Of our size or our character wailing.                       
I've been thinking of Freud;                                
With the idea I've toyed.                                   
Perhaps it's mom's baggage they're trailing.                
                                                            
27221 FAMOUS - FREUD                                          



A Prof of psychology, quite a dude,                         
Was seized by a devilish dirty mood:                        
As he lectured on Freud,                                    
With his organ he teud--                                    
And was ousted for deep moral turpitude.                    
                                                            
27222 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Norm Storer              



Freud said, "Mein verdict, Frau Muffet,                     
Der Sex Akt, I know you must luff it,                       
But your Mann's a bit much,                                 
Penis envy, und such..."                                    
"Who envies his prick? Let him stuff it!"                   
                                                            
27223 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Armand E Singer       393



He had enough money, it seems,                              
To be cured of neurotic extremes.                           
But he rashly employed                                      
A disciple of Freud;                                        
Now he's got nothing left but his dreams.                   
                                                            
27224 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Laurence Perrine    P8503



A young man said: "This may sound funny,                    
But I was a psychiatrist, honey.                            
In my youth I once toyed                                    
With the ideas of Freud.                                    
I was Jung and I needed the money."                         
                                                            
27225 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Richard Long             



When someone said Frood and not Freud,                      
It really made Sigmund annoyed.                             
"When you call me Frood,                                    
It makes me a nude."                                        
A pun that his girl friends enjoyed.                        
                                                            
27226 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Irving Superior          



When some said Frood and not Freud,                         
It really made Sigmund annoyed.                             
But if Froid is said,                                       
He'd up/down his head                                       
And Sig would retain his sang-froid.                        
                                                            
27227 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Irving Superior          



Psychological old Sigmund Freud,                            
Who fame, the world over, enjoyed,                          
Would get in a mood,                                        
If folks called him Frood;                                  
In fact he got very annoyed.                                
                                                            
27228 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Tiddy Ogg                



An early psychologist, Freud,                               
Had the bluenoses very annoyed,                             
Saying "You cannot be rid                                   
Of the troublesome id,                                      
So it might just as well be enjoyed.                        
                                                            
27229 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Bennet Cerf         P9112



Said Freud, "That old fraud, Dr Jung!                       
His theories are absolute dung!                             
His id is inferior                                          
To my ego superior,                                         
And he's not even near as well hung!"                       
                                                            
27230 FAMOUS - FREUD                 MrMalo                   



There was a young fellow named Thrale,                      
Who was hardly what you could call male.                    
His libido wasn't channelized                               
So he got psychoanalyzed,                                   
And now he can't get enough tail.                           
                                                            
27231 FAMOUS - FREUD                                     L1546



She hadn't on even a slip                                   
Between her tight dress and bare hip.                       
She said, "I forgot."                                       
He said, "You did not.                                      
You are wearing a Freudian slip."                           
                                                            
27232 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Laurence Perrine    P8503



The Great Man told the patient, "You bet you,               
But you still shouldn't let it upset you.                   
Just because," observed Freud,                              
You may be paranoid,                                        
Doesn't mean that they're not out to get you."              
                                                            
27233 FAMOUS - FREUD                 A. N. Wilkins       P9201



Siggy said, "I find I have a bent                           
To hold forth but not experiment,                           
In theories complex                                         
Such as 'Oedipus Wrecks';                                   
It's good business and it pays the rent."                   
                                                            
27234 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



A sexy young student once toyed                             
With the Pelican Series of Freud.                           
A new sense of mission                                      
Brought dis-inhibition,                                     
And her boyfriends are all overjoyed.                       
                                                            
27235 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Richard Taylor           



Sigmund Freud, his biographers tell us,                     
Thought that it was so splendid for fellows                 
To have pendulous pricks                                    
To roger cute chicks,                                       
That women must surely be jealous.                          
                                                            
27236 FAMOUS - FREUD                 A. N. Wilkins       P8601



Sigmund Freud said, "Now I'll mesmerize                     
You, and then you'll see I am quite wise.                   
I claim just between us,                                    
You envy my penis.                                          
A mere theory, but try it for size."                        
                                                            
27237 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



Laughed an old Brooklyn shrink, Nathan Freud,               
"There is something you may not have hoid:                  
Damned rarely do chicks                                     
Run after men's pricks --                                   
Penis envy is kind of absoid."                              
                                                            
27238 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Armand E Singer       392



Sigmund Freud's discussion of sex                           
Centers much around Oedipus Rex:                            
A stupid young sucker                                       
Who turned motherfucker,                                    
And placed quite a hex upon sex.                            
                                                            
27239 FAMOUS - FREUD                                     G0756



Said John, "Sex I've always enjoyed                         
And the way to avoid being cloyed,                          
For the fellow who dallies is                               
Psychoanalysis                                              
Of the school of the great Signund Freud.                   
                                                            
27240 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Isaac Asimov             



A head-shrink named Freud was in charge                     
Of many whose heads were too large;                         
Said dreams are symbolic,                                   
They're quite often phallic:                                
As he puffed his big Cuban cigar.                           
                                                            
27241 FAMOUS - FREUD                 W. Haskins               



For Freud it was simply too chancy,                         
As the girls of rich men made him antsy,                    
When they said they'd been screwed                          
By their dads, it was shrewd                                
To declare it was merely their fancy.                       
                                                            
27242 FAMOUS - FREUD                 A. N. Wilkins       P9201



A young lady got rather annoyed;                            
When a doctor her favors enjoyed.                           
She rudely said "Ouch!"                                     
Got up from his couch,                                      
And took all of her problems to Freud.                      
                                                            
27243 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Tony Long           P9201



Said Freud, "All this psychoanalysis                        
Is ruining my male patients' phalluses.                     
The reason, I think                                         
That folks use the term 'Shrink',                           
In describing those phalluses sans paralysis."              
                                                            
27244 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Theo Heller         P9201



A sceptical offspring named Sid                             
Would sneer at the mention of id,                           
Claiming egos and such                                      
Didn't mean very much --                                    
But slept with his mother, he did.                          
                                                            
27245 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Armand E Singer       881



A lady psychiatrist, Maude,                                 
Was disbarred by her peers, the poor bawd.                  
First they chastized her                                    
And then ostricized her,                                    
For pronouncing the word "Freud" as "fraud."                
                                                            
27246 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Arthur Deex         P8902



Said Sigmund, "My expectations,                             
Are to make this the best of vacations.                     
I will interview dozens                                     
Of Kissing cousins                                          
For my study on sexual relations.                           
                                                            
27247 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Ann Gasser          P8702



An unfortunate man from Madrid,                             
Had both Superego and Id.                                   
So whether he screwed,                                      
Or entirely eschewed,                                       
He suffered, whatever he did.                               
                                                            
27248 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Norm Storer         G2417



Reading Freud, people said, "That's too far!                
A penis is sometimes a car?                                 
Unless it, of course,                                       
Also is a horse,                                            
Or it's place taken by a cigar."                            
                                                            
27249 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



Sigmund said to the pretty fraulein,                        
"Won't you please on my couch to recline?                   
If you'll take off your jeans,                              
I'll interpret your dreams                                  
While our egos and ids intertwine."                         
                                                            
27250 FAMOUS - FREUD                 William N Nesbit         



Said Freud, "I've discovered the Id.                        
Of all your repressions be rid.                             
It won't ease the gravity                                   
Of all the depravity,                                       
But you'll know why you did what you did."                  
                                                            
27251 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Frank Richards           



An old man who's from gay Paree                             
Was alarmed when he found he can't pee.                     
In a dream starring Freud,                                  
Who said, "When you can't void,                             
If you're French, you must think 'yes yes'."                
                                                            
27252 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Tom Patton               



Sigmund Freud, it's been often reputed,                     
Or at least to him it's been imputed,                       
That he frequently said,                                    
"This is all in your head,                                  
And your thinking is somewhat diluted." (deluded?)          
                                                            
27253 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



Sigmund Freud, dead as Oedipus Rex,                         
No longer has patients to vex,                              
And he no longer wonders                                    
If his theories were blunders                               
Nor whether he understood sex.                              
                                                            
27254 FAMOUS - FREUD                 A. N. Wilkins       P8702



Doctor Freud, who was quite paranoid,                       
With his sex organ constantly toyed.                        
Mrs. Freud was annoyed                                      
And not overjoyed                                           
That Freud was not filling her void.                        
                                                            
27255 FAMOUS - FREUD                 Richard Lederer     P9603



There was a philosopher, Spencer,                           
Who never knew pleasure intenser                            
Than once, when he saw                                      
Mr. George Bernard Shaw                                     
Attempting to bugger the Censor.                            
                                                            
27256 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Aleister Crowley    G2514



Than Shakespeare I'm greater by far.                        
I am always produced by a star.                             
My plots he can find 'em--                                  
For I am behind 'em,                                        
It's "in front" they don't know what they are!              
(This is about George Bernard Shaw)                         
27257 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              P. Braybrooke, FRSL      



There was a young man of Moose Jaw                          
Who wanted to meet Bernard Shaw.                            
When they questioned him, "Why?"                            
He made no reply,                                           
But sharpened an axe and a saw.                             
                                                            
27258 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              PUNCH, 1918              



Said a platinum blonde from Warsaw,                         
As she looked at herself in the raw,                        
"Neath my umbilicus                                         
(And as like Mike as Ike is)                                
There's a picture of George Bernard Shaw."                  
                                                            
27259 FAMOUS - G B SHAW                                  L1620



"When I'm kissing," said Evelyn Waugh,                      
"It's the cunt of my sister-in-law.                         
As my eyes close up tight,                                  
I will hug with delight,                                    
And I dream it is George Bernard Shaw!"                     
                                                            
27260 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Albin Chaplin   3024-0895



A poodle was charged by the law,                            
With resembling Hall Caine.  With his paw                   
Pressed close to his forehead,                              
He sobbed, "Yes, it's horrid,                               
But at least I'm not George Bernard Shaw."                  
                                                            
27261 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Coulson Kernahan         



George Bernard Shaw always knew                             
That even though you can be true,                           
With women be bold;                                         
Be done with the old,                                       
Before you get on with the new.                             
                                                            
27262 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Al Willis                



All his life, Mr. George Bernard Shaw,                      
Has enjoyed catching fools in the raw.                      
At ninety we find                                           
There's no change in his mind,                              
Or decay in the set of his jaw.                             
                                                            
27263 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Audrey Herbert           



G. B. Shaw wrote to Yeats: "P'haps it's mad of me,          
And I know that you folks with think bad of me,             
But may I remark,                                           
Before you embark,                                          
That I am the Irish Academy."                               
(on the proposed founding of an Irish Academy)              
27264 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              W. A. Rathkey            



That smasher of shams, Bernard Shaw,                        
Points out to the Sophists the flaw                         
In each flattering unction,                                 
And, lacking compunction,                                   
Makes hay of the drowning man's straw.                      
                                                            
27265 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Frank Buckland           



At a meeting-hall, George Bernard Shaw,                     
Was proceeding to lay down the law.                         
When, from somewhere offstage                               
Someone hollered in rage,                                   
"Who can sleep with this damned foo-fo-raw!"                
                                                            
27266 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Keith H. Peterson        



In this rhyme, some detect a slight flaw,                   
But I don't think it breaks any law                         
To posthumously twit                                        
That rapier wit,                                            
The irascible George Bernard Pshaw.                         
                                                            
27267 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



When they asked G. B. Shaw about balling,                   
He said it was not that enthralling;                        
For the pleasure's too quick,                               
And the price makes one sick,                               
As for the position: appalling!                             
                                                            
27268 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Bob Giandomenico    P9209



Ninety summers -- and never a platitude,                    
Or a single uncivilized attitude.                           
Ebullient heir                                              
Of Sam Butler, Voltaire,                                    
Would you mind if we mention our gratitude.                 
                                                            
27269 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Stanley J. Sharpless     



Mr. Alan Jay Lerner, with by-play,                          
Made Pygmalion less of a dry play.                          
Seraph Shaw, near hysterics,                                
On hearing his lyrics,                                      
Shocked Heaven with "Not bloody my play!"                   
(see 'move your bloody arse' in Pygmalion)                  
27270 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              J A Lindon               



The question by G. B. Shaw goes...                          
(He asked it of course using prose)                         
"The method try telling                                     
To stop ghoti from smelling --                              
It's simple, you cut off its pnothes."                      
(ghoti - tough, women, action; pnothes - pneumonia, clothes)
27271 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Not George B. Shaw  P8604



It seems to have stuck in the craw                          
Of white-bearded George Bernard Shaw,                       
That vigor was wasted                                       
On youth who then tasted                                    
The joys from which oldsters withdraw.                      
                                                            
27272 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              R. J. Winkler       P8502



O sage of the stage, Shaw of Shaws!                         
As your victims, we venture applause.                       
To ascetic for Paris,                                       
Not to mention Frank Harris,                                
Your Webb-footed genius awes.                               
                                                            
27273 FAMOUS - G B SHAW              Harold Ellis             



Oedipus came to the city                                    
Where a Sphinx challenged him with a ditty.                 
By puzzling a little,                                       
He solved the beast's riddle                                
And proved himself lethally witty.                          
                                                            
27274 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Dan Curley               



At Thebes he became the new master                          
And married the widowed Jocasta.                            
His reign was serene,                                       
Which could only mean                                       
His downfall would come all the faster.                     
                                                            
27275 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Dan Curley               



Oedipus was accursed like no other;                         
Had no conflict with sister or brother.                     
But he could not avoid                                      
Analyizing by Freud;                                        
Killed his father and married his mother.                   
                                                            
27276 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Ester Koch               



After hearing Tiresias pour                                 
Forth his prophecies, Oedipus swore                         
That all he had heard                                       
Was clearly absurd,                                         
But then augurs were always a bore.                         
                                                            
27277 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           High                P8309



Oedipus sure loved his mother;                              
He should have looked for another.                          
But he would rather                                         
Attempt to father                                           
A son who would be a brother.                               
                                                            
27278 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Tony Burrell             



The play about Oedipus Rex                                  
Has a plot that is very complex.                            
He clobbered his pa,                                        
And then screwed his ma,                                    
While the Chorus sang songs about sex.                      
                                                            
27279 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX                               G2436



The story of Oedipus Rex,                                   
Is a tale that is rather complex.                           
For despite his dysfunction,                                
He had this compunction:                                    
To pester his mother for sex.                               
                                                            
27280 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Bob Birch           P0102



When Oedipus entered, erect,                                
Jocasta screamed, "Stop!  I object!.                        
You're a Greek!  Screw some other--                         
A goat or your brother--                                    
Mother-fucking's a little suspect."                         
                                                            
27281 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX                               G0582



There once was a doctor named Tom                           
Who had fallen in love with his Mom.                        
When he thought about sex                                   
Like old Oedipus Rex,                                       
It became an emotional bomb.                                
                                                            
27282 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Neal Wilgus         P8305



I once had a FACINOROUS friend,                             
Who tried all the rules to best bend;                       
His frenzied forays                                         
Broke all the mores,                                        
And he married his Mom in the end.                          
                                                            
27283 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Chris Papa               



Watch out for my eyes on the floor;                         
Small wonder I feel pretty sore!                            
I murdered my pater;                                        
Then married my mater,                                      
And now Sigmund Freud's at the door.                        
                                                            
27284 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Thatcheria nobilis  P9709



There was a young poet whose sex                            
Was aroused by aesthetic effects;                           
Marvell's The Garden                                        
Gave him a hard-on                                          
And he came during Oedipus Rex.                             
                                                            
27285 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           W. H. Auden              



As King Oedipus lay on the breast                           
Of his mom, he was highly distressed.                       
He put out his eye                                          
And let out a cry:                                          
"I like sex, but incest is best."                           
                                                            
27286 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Macsam                   



Oedipus Rex, full of good wine and pasta,                   
As he slipped into bed with Jocasta,                        
Said, "This beats the hell                                  
Out of trips up to Del                                      
-phi or playing the Sphinx at canasta!"                     
                                                            
27287 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Peter Green              



A lonely old maid named Loretta,                            
Sent herself an anonymous letter,                           
Quoting Ellis on sex,                                       
And Oedipus Rex,                                            
And exclaimed, "I already feel better."                     
                                                            
27288 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Anon                G2158



Said Oedipus Rex, growing red,                              
"Those head-shrinkers!  Would they were dead!               
They make such a bother                                     
Because I love mother.                                      
Well, should I fuck father instead!"                        
                                                            
27289 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           J. Leventhal        G2469



A fucker of mothers was Oedipus                             
And his ma was a rough and a roedipus,                      
Who laughed at his cries                                    
As he poked out his eyes,                                   
But confessed she was nice as a stoedipus.                  
                                                            
27290 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Travis Brasell           



Some bugger once got at my goat,                            
While grazing in pastures remote.                           
I really should have                                        
Suspected it's Trav                                         
Just judging by what he just wrote.                         
                                                            
27291 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           SFA                      



Well Sweets, now, your goat has a cranny                    
That's hot, tight, and wet as my granny.                    
But I'm filled with woe,                                    
For I did not know                                          
Your goat was a 'billy', not 'nanny'.                       
                                                            
27292 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Travis Brasell           



A king named Oedipus Rex,                                   
Who started this fuss about sex,                            
Put the world to great pains                                
By the spots and the stains,                                
Which he made on his mother's pubex.                        
                                                            
27293 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX                               L0088



The discussion of Oedipus and phalluses.                    
In the end only causes paralysis.                           
Psychoanalyzed bliss                                        
Is not worth a piss;                                        
But of course, that's just my urinalysis.                   
                                                            
27294 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Steve Holst              



This handsome young man did proclaim,                       
"From all sex and misdeeds I'll abstain!"                   
But he wound up in bed,                                     
With his mother, 'tis said.                                 
And events took their natural train.                        
                                                            
27295 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Michael Chase            



Oedipus said to the Sphinx,                                 
"My name's been perverted by shrinks.                       
Who'd think Jocasta'd                                       
Call me a bastard?                                          
I think psychiatry stinks."                                 
                                                            
27296 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Victor Gray              



A Greek boy named Oedipus Rex,                              
Found a babe who exuded pure sex;                           
'Till they both did discover,                               
The wench was his mother.                                   
Now they're both pathological wrecks.                       
                                                            
27297 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Lims For The John   P9707



A friend warned young Oedipus, "Smother                     
Your love for this queen from another                       
Generation.  I'm told                                       
That the woman is old                                       
Enough to be almost your mother."                           
                                                            
27298 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Mortal Taste        P8309



Oedipus did admonishments mind;                             
He'd been told, "Onanism's unkind!"                         
His "seed" never was found,                                 
Spilled out on bare ground,                                 
But in spite of that, he still went blind.                  
                                                            
27299 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9709



Young Oedipus learned from the Sphinx,                      
He was under a terrible jinx.                               
He would--No I can't tell                                   
All the rest that befell.                                   
It's not family reading, it stinks.                         
                                                            
27300 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Basil Ransome-Davies     



Said Tarsius to Oedipus Rex,                                
"I'm too old to care about sex,                             
But I'm telling you, brother,                               
That queen's a mean mother,                                 
And she's setting you up for a hex."                        
                                                            
27301 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           John Ciardi              



Word has come down from the Dean,                           
That by use of the teaching machine,                        
Old Oedipus Rex                                             
Could have learned about sex,                               
Without ever distrubing the Queen.                          
                                                            
27302 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Fred Skinner, 1926  P9210



A Columbia student named Tommy                              
Declares he is naught but a commie.                         
This comes, I suspect,                                      
From parental neglect --                                    
He has Oedipal thoughts about mommy.                        
                                                            
27303 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           William F. Buckley  P8606



There's a rumor that Oedipus Rex                            
Had a terrible Mother Complex.                              
His poor mum, Jocasta,                                      
Was a walking disaster,                                     
But at least she took Traveler's Cheques.                   
                                                            
27304 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           bill Wall                



An old Greek called Oedipus Rex                             
Decided he would change his sex.                            
He was charged twenty drachmas                              
For removing his nachmas;                                   
Thank God they took Traveler's Cheques.                     
                                                            
27305 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Bill Wall                



An old Greek called Oedipus Rex                             
Decided to change his sex.                                  
He was charged twenty drachmas                              
To remove all his nachmas.                                  
Thank God they take travelers checks.                       
                                                            
27306 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Bill Wall                



A witty truck driver named Tex                              
Was arrested and likely suspects                            
'Twas the sign on his door                                  
That caused the uproar.                                     
It read simply, "Oedipus Wrecks".                           
                                                            
27307 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           W. Cooke                 



Said Oedipus: "What have I done"                            
I shouldn't have married my mum!                            
I'm all in a lather;                                        
I murdered my father;                                       
Complex?  I think I've got one."                            
                                                            
27308 FAMOUS - OEDIPUS REX           Richard Long             



Been good?  Then there's nothing to fear.                   
If you haven't, old St Nick, the dear,                      
Will put coal in your socks,                                
Boys get crabs in their jocks;                              
Girls get PMS all of next year.                             
                                                            
27309 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Ogden Nield              



Merry Christmas, to one and all;                            
Go play with your medicine ball.                            
Ol' Santa (that jock)                                       
Gave me such a shock,                                       
When he bounced them up and down the hall.                  
                                                            
27310 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



Now's the time we should go "Ho Ho Ho,"                     
And mush through the slush and the snow;                    
Let us pray Mr. Claus                                       
Dons his warm underdrawers,                                 
'Cause these Buffalo squawls really 'blow'!                 
                                                            
27311 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Robin K. Willoughby P8701



Our ground is all covered with dust;                        
In this drought we may wash if we must.                     
While Santa Claus flies                                     
Around in the skies                                         
Bringing presents, not rain.  How unjust!                   
                                                            
27312 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Narni                    



An errant brunette in Atlanta                               
Had trouble believing in Santa.                             
But the day that Saint Nick                                 
Flashed his candy striped prick,                            
Her belief (and her nips) grew giganta!                     
                                                            
27313 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



Beware when your old hound dog howls;                       
The fireplace needs stuffing with towels;                   
'Cause jolly Saint Nick                                     
Likes to drain the old dick,                                
And use chimneys to empty his bowels.                       
                                                            
27314 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



The rumors said Santa was queer.                            
Not so, you'll be happy to hear.                            
Although not a fag,                                         
Sex just isn't his bag,                                     
For the man only comes once a year!                         
                                                            
27315 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Ogden Nield              



There once was a whore from Atlanta                         
Who dreamed of tricking with Santa.                         
She dreamed of the dick                                     
That hung on St. Nick,                                      
With garlands and socks from the mantle.                    
                                                            
27316 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Jim Weaver Collection    



So now you think yourself funny,                            
And go like the Energizer Bunny.                            
But since Christmas is here,                                
I wish you good cheer,                                      
And to tell you your wife's cunt is runny.                  
                                                            
27317 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



Father Christmas got drunk last night,                      
Really shit-faced, not merely tight.                        
He woke up at the crack                                     
Of dawn, with no sack;                                      
Not one single reindeer in sight.                           
                                                            
27318 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Tony Burrell             



Said Adam, "I have a pet peeve:                             
For Santa, great cookies I leave;                           
He eats the whole batch,                                    
And then with dispatch                                      
He jerks off on my Christmas Eve!"                          
                                                            
27319 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



There was a young man from Seoul                            
Who for Christmas received a nice bowl                      
Designed for rice,                                          
But he wasn't nice,                                         
So Santa-san filled it with coal.                           
                                                            
27320 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Harry Rubin         P9212



One Christmas, we made a great fire                         
And built it up higher and higher.                          
So when Santa came down                                     
The chimney, he'd frown                                     
And complain, "You have made me perspire!"                  
                                                            
27321 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Christine Brim           



The doctor said there's no detection                        
That Santa has any infection;                               
His fast chimney squeezes                                   
Won't issue in sneezes,                                     
Since Santa had his 'flue' injection.                       
                                                            
27322 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Travis Brasell           



In the North Pole, it's so cold at night;                   
A naked Santa just wouldn't look right.                     
Even if he lost weight,                                     
He'd not look all that great,                               
Because all of his parts got frostbite!                     
                                                            
27323 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



I once wrote a Santa Claus jingle                           
Which somewhat offended Kris Kringle.                       
He gave me the shingles,                                    
With pain, itch and tingles,                                
That keep me unwillingly single.                            
                                                            
27324 FAMOUS - SANTA                 John E Maywood           



The North Pole philanthropist Kringle,                      
Is said to intend to stay single;                           
On his famed popcorn balls,                                 
Torrid sex never calls;                                     
There's nothing to stir up a tingle.                        
                                                            
27325 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Armand E Singer        34



Dear girl, this is Santa Claus;                             
For being good, you will get applause.                      
But for being naughty,                                      
You'll find your hot body                                   
Invaded as we shed our drawers.                             
                                                            
27326 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Jon Gearhart             



An old jelly-belly named Santa                              
Was a fan of the soft drinks from Fanta.                    
Though he often would savor                                 
The grape and orange flavor,                                
He wished they'd develop bananta.                           
                                                            
27327 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Jim Weaver Collection    



As one thing which brings Santa Claus cheer                 
Is eating saltines with his beer.                           
Each December he sends                                      
Several packs to his friends,                               
Wishing them "Merry crispness this year."                   
                                                            
27328 FAMOUS - SANTA                 A. N. Wilkins       P8612



A woman named Mrs. S. Claus                                 
Deserves some attention because                             
She sits in her den,                                        
Baking gingerbread men,                                     
While her husband gets all the applause!                    
                                                            
27329 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Lims For Year - 01       



Since Santa is not an old grouch,                           
And knows you are good (I can vouch),                       
Your stockings he'll stuff,                                 
As well as your muff,                                       
On Christmas Eve night on your couch.                       
                                                            
27330 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Travis Brasell           



Last Christmas, one Santa Claus                             
Got nearly killed, because                                  
He restlessly whined,                                       
Demanded a rhyme,                                           
And handled my present with pause.                          
                                                            
27331 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Jim Weaver Collection    



From the chimney atop Hotel Hyatt,                          
Santa's loud voice broke the quiet.                         
What terrible luck                                          
For me to get stuck --                                      
Tomorrow I go on a diet.                                    
                                                            
27332 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Diane Christian          



Santa bring treats for girls and for boys;                  
He brings young and old festive joys.                       
No kids of his own,                                         
But Santa won't moan,                                       
He cares not if his sacks contain toys!                     
                                                            
27333 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



On the house top landed St. Nick;                           
The snow it was up to his dick.                             
So he stayed in the sleigh,                                 
And went on his way.                                        
Cheez! What an old bearded prick.                           
                                                            
27334 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Jim Weaver Collection    



'Twas the night before Christmas in Cheers.                 
In walks Santa and all those reindeers.                     
Did they drink?  Have no doubt!                             
Till the old man passed out,                                
And Norm picked up the tab for the beers.                   
(Cheers - a  popular TV show in the late 1980's)            
27335 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Writerman                



Ding dong merrily upon high;                                
Old Santa's sleigh flies through the sky.                   
Kids don't believe us,                                      
"How can you deceive us                                     
And tell such an obvious lie."                              
                                                            
27336 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Tony Burrell             



On Christmas, a lady named Gay                              
Said, "Santa's part I cannot play.                          
I fear that maybe                                           
I'm having a baby;                                          
Can't get down the chimney this way."                       
                                                            
27337 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Chairman Steve           



Once while resting, Santa did sit                           
In a living room just for a bit.                            
But a Playboy he read,                                      
And then found to his dread,                                
In the chimney he now couldn't fit!                         
                                                            
27338 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



Old Santa's cash need was so dire,                          
He thought he would pose sans attire.                       
But no one would pay                                        
To see Santa lay                                            
On a belly that looked like a tire.                         
                                                            
27339 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



Woo-hoo! It's not long until X-mas --                       
I feel it in my solar plexus.                               
Hanging stockings with glee,                                
Paired with lingere.                                        
Said Santa "Dear, you over sex-us".                         
                                                            
27340 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



There must be a zillion or more                             
Of parodies written hard core,                              
On the night before Santy's                                 
Been dropping down panties,                                 
And pumping those pussies galore.                           
                                                            
27341 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



Dear Santa Claus, bring me a sheath                         
To hold up my privates beneath;                             
If they don't stop draggin'                                 
The ground from their saggin',                              
My heirs will soon hang a black wreath!                     
                                                            
27342 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Travis Brasell           



While visiting Santa's North Pole,                          
With a horny young woman I know,                            
She said, "Santa's dick                                     
Is quite long and thick,                                    
But I wouldn't call it a pole!"                             
                                                            
27343 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Blowcephus          T9712



When Santa golfs at the North Pole,                         
His ball always goes in the hole.                           
But he can't hit very far,                                  
So he plays over par,                                       
'Cause hole 18 is at the South Pole.                        
                                                            
27344 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Diane Christian          



Old Santa lives at the North Pole,                          
And gifting young children's his goal.                      
So if you believe,                                          
Come late Christmas eve;                                    
You may catch him playing his role.                         
                                                            
27345 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Gifford Wherry           



So let us now just pause a tick,                            
To talk a bit about Saint Nick.                             
He completes his flight                                     
In just one night;                                          
So Old Saint Nick is mighty quick.                          
                                                            
27346 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



In his FULIGINOUS suit of red                               
He climbed back on his sled.                                
It had been a long night                                    
But the end was in sight,                                   
And Santa longed for his bed.                               
                                                            
27347 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Norm Brust               



When Santa was out in his sleigh,                           
He said, "How I love Christmas Day!                         
All over the Earth,                                         
We rejoice at his birth."                                   
And the reindeer all shouted "Oy vey!"                      
                                                            
27348 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Bill Wall                



I'm sorry, no presents this year;                           
The reindeer are missing, I fear.                           
The wife has gone too;                                      
She's found someone new;                                    
And the elves are on strike for more beer.                  
                                                            
27349 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Liam na Beag             



I'm also, and have been since May,                          
Awaiting repairs to my sleigh;                              
And all the mechanic                                        
Can say is "Don't panic".                                   
I doubt that he'll fix it today.                            
                                                            
27350 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Liam na Beag             



What's more, after raining all week,                        
It seems that my roof's sprung a leak.                      
It's damp and I'm freezin';                                 
I'm starting to wheeze 'n'                                  
My voice is but merely a squeak.                            
                                                            
27351 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



So stuff it -- I'm going away;                              
You'll just have to lump it and play,                       
Dear girls and dear boys,                                   
With last Christmas's toys,                                 
And be grateful you got 'em, okay?                          
                                                            
27352 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Liam na Beag             



I'm writing this letter to say                              
The government's taken away                                 
The tools that I use                                        
Every year, like my shoes,                                  
My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.                        
                                                            
27353 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Liam na Beag             



I am left, with a donkey.  He's slow                        
And he's stubborn and cranky. So know,                      
If you don't see me pass                                    
Before this Christmas,                                      
I'm out on my ass in the snow!                              
                                                            
27354 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



I'm sorry to hear of your fate,                             
That this year, Xmas is to be late.                         
But come on St. Nick,                                       
I can teach you a trick,                                    
On how to charge them a fixed rate.                         
                                                            
27355 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



If the kids don't leave you something                       
In return for the gifts that you bring,                     
Like cookies and milk,                                      
Or gold, silver and silk,                                   
Then how can you live like a king?                          
                                                            
27356 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



It seems times are now very hard                            
For Old Nick to get some reward.                            
He's getting too old,                                       
The North Pole's too cold,                                  
And the night sky is no longer starred.                     
                                                            
27357 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



So goodbye to our yearly tradition                          
Of fire places roaring ignition.                            
No more stockings to hang,                                  
And fireworks to bang,                                      
Thanks to St. Nicks poorly made decision.                   
                                                            
27358 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



We offer this greeting for mantle                           
Of fireplace or for moose's antle.                          
Be sure to leave space                                      
At whichever place                                          
For Santa to rock, roll and rantle.                         
                                                            
27359 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Daniel Ford              



Wow! Tonight we are bad;                                    
We drank all the beer that we had.                          
Then started on Buds;                                       
Would've drunk some soap suds.                              
Santa's still here, drunk!  Egad!                           
                                                            
27360 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Annie Jay                



Santa School grads are taught to be deft                    
So that at Commencement they may heft                       
Snow white tassels, fur trimmed,                            
Atop red caps unbrimmed,                                    
From the right side across to the left.                     
                                                            
27361 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



It was Santa (I could tell by his head),                    
Under covers in Grandmother's bed.                          
He said, "Don't you see,                                    
It's much better for me,                                    
Than sleeping with Rudolf instead!"                         
                                                            
27362 FAMOUS - SANTA                 M C MacFarland           



I found when I Christmased on Bimini,                       
Why Santa's unfruitful, by jiminey.                         
The conclusion is clear,                                    
Only one time a year                                        
Does he come, then he shoots down the chimney.              
                                                            
27363 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Bob Giandomenico    P9504



Santa was caught with Sue Poff,                             
In bed with his boots and his suit off.                     
The thought makes me quiver;                                
Now he can't deliver,                                       
'Cause Mrs. Claus shot all his root off.                    
                                                            
27364 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Blowcephus          T9712



The Mall stores are all now a-humming;                      
My red suit, white beard and tum-tumming;                   
You'll sit on my knee                                       
And make a sweet plea                                       
For what I'm to bring while I'm coming!                     
                                                            
27365 FAMOUS - SANTA                                          



Santa's stuck in the chimney, oh my!                        
Bring my pliers and I'll give it a try.                     
If I should fail,                                           
Let time prevail.                                           
He's sure to lose weight by July.                           
                                                            
27366 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Lynn Mostafa             



To visit the Lion of Oz,                                    
You should go on a Christmas because                        
Your choices are two --                                     
Tornado or you                                              
Try hitch-hiking with Santa Claus.                          
                                                            
27367 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Irving Superior     P8812



There's a question designed to perplex;                     
Santa asking a little kid for sex.                          
Knowing not what to do,                                     
Saying he'd like a screw,                                   
But "You don't need carpentry for sex!"                     
                                                            
27368 FAMOUS - SANTA                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Santa, readying annual trip,                                
Found many problems there along strip;                      
Some elves falling ill,                                     
Trainees too slow still,                                    
And others coming down with the grippe.                     
                                                            
27369 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Daniel Ford              



What Santa next learned increased stress.                   
Mother-in-law would visit distress                          
Upon his poor head,                                         
But then more was said:                                     
Three pregnant reindeer, too gone to press.                 
                                                            
27370 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Daniel Ford              



Even more stress came with sleigh broken,                   
Spilling the toys; left only token.                         
Santa nedded drink                                          
Broke glass in the sink,                                    
Empty cabinet left him smokin'.                             
                                                            
27371 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Daniel Ford              



When Santa chose coffee, he stumbled.                       
The doorbell rang and then he grumbled,                     
"Who the hell is this?"                                     
But little angel miss                                       
Stood there at door and he was humbled.                     
                                                            
27372 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Daniel Ford              



The angel had great Christmas tree                          
To deliver to Santa, you see.                               
"This tree's the ticket;                                    
Where should I stick it?"                                   
Asked angel on deliviering spree.                           
                                                            
27373 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Daniel Ford              



And dear friends, between thee and me,                      
Is the process by which, most likely,                       
In Santa's house tall                                       
The angel most small                                        
Came to be atop the Christmas tree.                         
                                                            
27374 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Daniel Ford              



An errant brunette in Atlanta                               
Had trouble believing in Santa.                             
But the day that Saint Nick                                 
Flashed his candy-striped prick,                            
Her belief and her nipples grew granda.                     
                                                            
27375 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



His tongue, in her crotch, got to flyin'                    
As soon as she let the old guy in.                          
But her nutcracker thighs                                   
Destroyed his disguise,                                     
Revealing that Santa was Brian.                             
                                                            
27376 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



You'd think that this might be a drqag                      
But the maiden was not one to brag                          
A thing she had goin',                                      
So she kept right on blowin',                               
Until Brian Claus gave her a shag.                          
                                                            
27377 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



He screwed her in various styles                            
As she pllied her Atlantttean wiles.                        
Then he left in his sleigh                                  
But they say, to this day,                                  
When the girl thinks of Santa, she smiles.                  
                                                            
27378 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



I have told of the girl from Atlanta --                     
How she came to beleve in old Santa --                      
How she swallowed his lie                                   
And now swears he's the guy                                 
That left her with Santa's Infanta.                         
                                                            
27379 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



Then there's the lawyer from Lowell,                        
That took everything Santa could dole.                      
She demanded from Santa                                     
What the girl from Atlanta                                  
Got, but all that he brought her was coal.                  
                                                            
27380 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



The Lowellian gal felt contrite,                            
And decided to treat Santa right.                           
She cockled his shells                                      
And jingled his bells,                                      
And no one was silent that night.                           
                                                            
27381 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



Santa flew with this barristerette                          
As fast as the fastest fast jet.                            
And while they were flying,                                 
"'Tis I," he said, Brian --                                 
And the sight of you gets me all wet!                       
                                                            
27382 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



The couple then flew straight away                          
For a tryst out near Stroudsburg PA,                        
Where they shared Christmas cheer                           
Bringing in the new year                                    
With a kiss and a roll in the sleigh.                       
                                                            
27383 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bribelge                 



While visiting Santa's North Pole,                          
Mrs. Claus kept me from the cold.                           
She gave me a gift                                          
Of her pussey and tits,                                     
And that was much better than coal!                         
                                                            
27384 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Blowcephus          T9712



I hear Blitzen is smitten with Vixen,                       
And itchin' to get a few licks in.                          
But it's tough, don't you know,                             
To mount any doe,                                           
When the Elf-men keep stuffin' their dicks in!              
                                                            
27385 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Brian Belge              



While visiting Santa's North Pole,                          
I took out a big joint to roll.                             
Smoked half with an elf,                                    
Who I bonked on the shelf;                                  
Both made the poor bastard's eyes roll!                     
                                                            
27386 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Cyberhog            T9801



Put selfish desires on a shelf;                             
Think of others first, not yourself.                        
Do only good deeds,                                         
And for sexual needs,                                       
Old Santa might bring you an elf!                           
                                                            
27387 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS                                



Shelve selfish desires?  Are you kidding?                   
I want what I want at my bidding!                           
Now, bring me some honeys                                   
Who've tight and wet cunnies,                               
With cherries intact for the ridding!                       
                                                            
27388 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS                                



I don't think an elf serves my needs;                       
Alone he'd be lost in the weeds                             
Of my pubic hair.                                           
Who'd find him in there?                                    
But think of how long he can feed.                          
                                                            
27389 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Wuzzums                  



It's come as a bit of a shock,                              
To hear that you sport an elf-lock.  (tangle of hair)       
On hearing this news,                                       
I want no cashews;                                          
Pistachio nuts I will stock.                                
                                                            
27390 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       SFA                      



That jolly old fattie, Saint Nick,                          
Felt a great need to go dip his wick;                       
So he buggered poor Vixen,                                  
Two elves, and then Blitzen,                                
With jingle bells tied to his prick.                        
                                                            
27391 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Flying Booger            



When Mrs. Claus heard of this tryst,                        
Her reaction was not very nice.                             
With the whip from his sleigh,                              
His plump butt she did flay,                                
Then said, "He won't do this twice!"                        
                                                            
27392 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Flying Booger            



Santa, feigning shame and remorse,                          
Begged her not to file for divorce.                         
But that night in the toolshed,                             
He took Comet and Cupid,                                    
And a dwarf who was hung like a horse.                      
                                                            
27393 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Flying Booger            



You can sell me that Dancer right here,                     
And Oh! how the children will cheer                         
When I unhitch the sleigh                                   
On the next Christmas Day,                                  
And buck that sweet deer up the rear.                       
                                                            
27394 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Brian Belge              



Though Dancer was pulling the sleigh,                       
She never, but never would play!                            
She'll soon be replaced --                                  
The ad I have placed --                                     
I'm selling her off on Ebay.                                
                                                            
27395 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Archie                   



"How unfair can you get?" children shout.                   
"We're enraged! We no longer just pout.                     
Revenge we'll take of course                                
For outrageous outsourc-                                    
ing by which Kris forced all his Elves out.                 
                                                            
27396 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



When the crapper was smashed by his sled,                   
Santa reeked from his boots to his head!                    
"Did I not make it clear                                    
You dim-witted reindeer?                                    
On the roof of the Schmitt house, I said!"                  
                                                            
27397 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       William N. Nesbit   P9601



Said Santa, without any pause,                              
"I have a great sex life because                            
The elves love to suck,                                     
And for a great fuck,                                       
There's reindeer and old Mrs. Claus.                        
                                                            
27398 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Blowcephus          T9712



While taking some toys off his shelves,                     
Santa caught two of his elves,                              
Each, cock in hand.                                         
Came the strong reprimand:                                  
"Play among -- and not with yourselves!"                    
                                                            
27399 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Writerman                



"Do not fuck with the deer," Santa warns;                   
For the day that he did, he still mourns.                   
He had thought to fuck Blitzen                              
For he felt that it fits in,                                
But he hung by the balls on his horns.                      
                                                            
27400 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Albin Chaplin   3024-2380



In his sled Santa placed every toy,                         
But this action was only a ploy                             
To mislead Mrs. Claus,                                      
And his reason -- because                                   
He was spending the night, spreading Joy.                   
                                                            
27401 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Albin Chaplin   3024-0356



A jolly old gent called St. Nicholas                        
Has certain strange habits that tickle us.                  
His reindeer, they say,                                     
Eat more than just hay --                                   
And his passion for elves is ridiculous.                    
                                                            
27402 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Norm Storer              



While Santa was sipping a beer,                             
An elf was out humping a deer.                              
Mrs Santa got drunk                                         
And made love to a punk,                                    
'Cause Nick only comes once a year!                         
                                                            
27403 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Robert Birch             



That mask with the white beard and all,                     
I think I'll just leave in the hall.                        
'Cause if I try the jiggles,                                
I'll just get the giggles,                                  
And pray that my top does not fall.                         
                                                            
27404 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS                                



They said that they want me to be                           
Santa Claus for the party, you see.                         
But a red mini dress --                                     
Everyone will guess                                         
Just as soon as they sit on my knee.                        
                                                            
27405 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS                                



Santa's helper, the venerable elf,                          
Fetches toys down from high off the shelf.                  
When Old Nick sees his backside,                            
He starts his "attack glide."                               
He views "elf-butt" as toys for himself.                    
                                                            
27406 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Jabbo Stokes        T9712



I looked out my window last night                           
And witnessed one hell of a sight.                          
'Twas the big man in red                                    
Giving Rudolph some head,                                   
With an elf jacking off on the right!                       
                                                            
27407 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Jeeves                   



One night Santa's elves went wacky.                         
They mailed lingerie that was tacky                         
Out to all nuns,                                            
With print on the buns,                                     
Signed: MERRY CHRISTMAS, BY CRACKY!!!                       
                                                            
27408 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Annie Jay                



Well, Mrs. Santa reacted with a kick,                       
Led the elves and Rudolf off to Arctic:                     
"Good bye, you old fart,                                    
Take care of your heart,                                    
And, lest it drop off, hang on to your dick!"               
                                                            
27409 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Jim Weaver Collection    



Each Christmas, when Santa leaves home,                     
His dear Mrs Claus will then roam                           
Throughout their huge castle,                               
While hoping to 'wrassle'                                   
A gnome and then muff-buff his dome.                        
                                                            
27410 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Travis Brasell           



I hear Mrs Clause prefers elves                             
Who live all the summer on shelves.                         
When Santa's in bed,                                        
She goes 'round giving head                                 
To them, tens at a time, maybe twelves.                     
                                                            
27411 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Peter Wilkins            



Forget not those reindeer outdoors,                         
That Dancer and Vixen are whores.                           
They let all the stags                                      
Treat them like scags --                                    
Ever seen a reindeer in drawers?                            
                                                            
27412 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Brian                    



The North Pole is a little bit shy                          
Of girl elves, and I  guess that is why                     
Those reindeer like Vixen                                   
Get a bit extra fixin' --                                   
No wonder those suckers can fly!                            
                                                            
27413 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       John Miller 0170         



Said a nutcracker who lived in a suite,                     
"For cracking nuts I can't be beat.                         
I can open quite well                                       
Any really hard shell,                                      
But I never get any to eat!"                                
                                                            
27414 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Diane Christian          



Said Santa, "You elves made a mess                          
On Barbie, but oh, nonetheless,                             
Next time when you work,                                    
Please try not to jerk                                      
Your dicks 'till you take off her dress!"                   
                                                            
27415 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Travis Brasell           



There was a young reindeer named Clyde,                     
Who wanted to join Santa's ride.                            
But he learned with despair,                                
No flying through the air,                                  
No matter how hard poor Clyde tried.                        
                                                            
27416 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Diane Christian          



While Santa had paused for a cookie,                        
Seems Blitzen was calling his bookie;                       
While Comet and Cupid                                       
Had drunk themselves stupid,                                
And Rudolph was searching for nookie!                       
                                                            
27417 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Cap'n Bean               



"Now Rudolph won't guide through the fog,"                  
Mourned Santa, "It must be the nog                          
He drank, so we're screwed!"                                
But Rudolph then spewed,                                    
"Nay!  Screwed's what I got from Tid Ogg!"                  
                                                            
27418 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Travis Brasell           



The next one to speak was old Vixen,                        
Who said "If Tid gets near, I'll fix 'em.                   
And now that old masher                                     
Is hot after Dasher,                                        
Who likes kicking balls and betwixt 'em.                    
                                                            
27419 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Frank Fazed              



"You reindeer, stop raising a ruckus,"                      
Said Santa, "I've called Ogg to truck us                    
Through all of this snow!"                                  
The deer cried, "Oh no!                                     
Like last year, old Ogg will just fuck us!"                 
                                                            
27420 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Travis Brasell           



Santa, he loves a good shag,                                
With his does and sometimes his stag.                       
While delivering gifts,                                     
He screws them in shifts,                                   
From Havana to Brisbane to Skag. (way)                      
                                                            
27421 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Dick Slimer         T9712



In Edinburgh, they've got a pit,                            
Displaying a scene of some wit.                             
Spiked elves on the wall,                                   
S Claus in a caul-                                          
Dron, robins a-roast on the spit.                           
                                                            
27422 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Tiddy Ogg                



Santa Claus comes once a year;                              
His lovers, of course, are his deer.                        
But he's had to suffice                                     
With the eight who play nice,                               
'Cause old Rudolf won't let the guy near.                   
                                                            
27423 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Actaeon                  



Poor Rudolph the Reindeer is dead.                          
Some drunkard drove over his head.                          
Despite the bad gashing,                                    
His nose is still flashing,                                 
Though it's held on by only a thread.                       
                                                            
27424 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Tony Burrell             



There once was a reindeer named Rudy;                       
Leading the sleigh was his duty.                            
When Santa yelled, "WHOA!",                                 
The second reindeer didn't know,                            
And his nose went straight up Rudolph's booty!              
                                                            
27425 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Jim Weaver Collection    



Why is Rudolph's nose so red?                               
If you were in front and had led                            
Horny deer through the night,                               
Your ass would be tight,                                    
If Donner's dick was where you thought his head.            
                                                            
27426 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's a question I'd like to propose                       
About Rudolph and all his young does.                       
With such succulent rump,                                   
Should it not be his lump                                   
That's all shiny and red -- not his nose.                   
                                                            
27427 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Dick Slimer         T9712



Rudolph was eating his hay                                  
When Santa said "Up, Up, Away!"                             
Rudy packed a hay snack                                     
In a reindeer backpack,                                     
For a tasty in-transit souffle.                             
                                                            
27428 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Christine Brim           



When asked if he's dumb as he looks,                        
Said Rudolph the Reindeer, "Gadzooks!                       
In bed every night,                                         
I use my own light                                          
And read dozens and dozens of books."                       
                                                            
27429 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Diane Christian          



Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer                              
Had a very shiny rear.                                      
Said to a friend, "Love,                                    
This is the end of                                          
My illustrious career."                                     
                                                            
27430 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Lynn Mostafa             



Rudolph has a red nose,                                     
But not as red as his hose.                                 
He pokes every girl,                                        
And gives them a whirl;                                     
His dick is so sore that it shows!                          
                                                            
27431 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



The daring young fag from Atlanta                           
Had a hot Christmas Eve with old Santa.                     
But he got quite sick                                       
When he sucked Rudolph's dick,                              
And he had to drink lots of Mylanta.                        
                                                            
27432 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Jim Weaver Collection    



When Santa had downed quite a few                           
Of his favorite winter-time brew,                           
He peeked out the door                                      
To see Rudolph galore,                                      
And said, "Whiskey I ought to eschew."                      
                                                            
27433 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Peter Wilkins            



Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer                              
Had a very shiny rear.                                      
Said with a shout,                                          
"I can't figure it out,                                     
But Prancer's quite sure I'm queer."                        
                                                            
27434 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Lynn Mostafa             



I went for a ride Christmas night;                          
The moon overhead shining bright.                           
In Santa's red sleigh                                       
With elves there to lay,                                    
I sang carols with all of my might.                         
                                                            
27435 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS                                



Blitzen slammed several shots,                              
Santa had peppermint schnapps.                              
Rudolph's nose was red,                                     
The elves crashed the sled --                               
Those North Pole guys really are sots!                      
                                                            
27436 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Lynn                     



Old Santa and all of his elves                              
Were stocking toys on the shelves.                          
The elves think it corny                                    
When Santa gets horny,                                      
And into Mrs. Claus he delves.                              
                                                            
27437 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



Santa's helper keeps glue on the shelf                      
So often, he just helps himself.                            
His toys all need fixin';                                   
His finger he sticks in.                                    
Santa says, "You ENJOIN' yours, elf?"                       
                                                            
27438 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Gary Hallock             



What awful dumb help he's employin',                        
Who can't so well toys thus ENJOIN.                         
Their toys all are busted;                                  
Can elves not be trusted?                                   
Now Santa finds this most annoyin'.                         
                                                            
27439 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Gary Hallock             



The klutziest elves e'er he saw;                            
Now St Nick must lay down the law.                          
He's jolly no longer                                        
Aand wants toys built stronger;                             
ENJOINS them, "Construct without flaw!"                     
                                                            
27440 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Gary Hallock             



While visiting Santa's North Pole,                          
Just south of the last jellyroll,                           
Mrs. Claus made the head                                    
All shiny and red,                                          
While Santa just puffed on a bowl.                          
                                                            
27441 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS                           T9712



In their toil for unselfish causes,                         
The helpers take very few pauses,                           
Under Santa's kind gaze,                                    
For in so many ways,                                        
His elves are subordinate Clauses.                          
                                                            
27442 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Bob Giandomenico    P9912



Now the fairy at the top of the tree,                       
Exclaimed with a great deal of glee,                        
"This one branch up my cunt,                                
Is making me grunt,                                         
But I've got room for another three."                       
                                                            
27443 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Anon                     



Santa said, "Of Christmas I'm sick;                         
Those damn kids and being Saint Nick!                       
My wife and the elves                                       
Can go fuck themselves!                                     
And Rudolph can suck on my dick!"                           
                                                            
27444 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       John Chastaine           



The fairies that pack Santa's toys,                         
When copulating, make lots of noise.                        
It's a terrible din,                                        
Playing with Vixen's quim;                                  
It's a pleasure the reindeer enjoys.                        
                                                            
27445 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Anon                     



One of Santa Claus's elves named McGoo,                     
Asked one day of his boss, "Is it true?                     
Ms. Claus is a fox                                          
With a tight little box,                                    
Who, when coming, lets out a great MOO?                     
                                                            
27446 FAMOUS - SANTA - MINIONS       Violet              T9712



On the couch, right away, Santa spied                       
A voluptuous girl, legs spread wide.                        
"Won't you stay, purred this beauty,                        
He said, "Hell with my duty!                                
I can't fit back up if I tried!"                            
                                                            
27447 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      John Miller              



At Christmas, a lady named Plum                             
Presented her bare-naked bum,                               
And asked Santa to fuck,                                    
But old Santa said, "Yuck,                                  
Down the chimney, I've already come!"                       
                                                            
27448 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-1891



The reason St. Nick is so Jolly:                            
He's screwing a cute elf named Molly.                       
He gets high as a kite,                                     
And eats Molly all night,                                   
So his jock strap's elastic, by golly.                      
                                                            
27449 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING                               



The reason old Santa's so jolly,                            
He's screwing a woman named Holly.                          
He's got weed in his pipe,                                  
He eats cookies all night,                                  
And his waistbands's elastic, by golly.                     
                                                            
27450 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Cap'n Bean               



Last year in my house was a thriller,                       
When Santa came with stocking filler.                       
At my girlfriend's request,                                 
We made love fully dressed,                                 
So he just had to wait while I drill her.                   
                                                            
27451 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING                               



Dear Santa, my wish-list for Crimbo                         
Is really quite simple -- a bimbo;                          
A Sharon or Tracy                                           
In underwear lacy,                                          
Whose thighs are forever akimbo.                            
                                                            
27452 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Peter Wilkins            



At Christmas each girl and each boy                         
Expects Santa Claus to deploy                               
His fine reindeer and sled,                                 
Gifts and goodwill to spread,                               
But he spends the whole night spreading Joy.                
                                                            
27453 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-0052



Jolly St. Nick's good to me;                                
Brings to homes many gifts to see.                          
But a black eye he paid,                                    
Because he laid                                             
The wrong doll under the tree.                              
                                                            
27454 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Bob                      



I wonder what Christmas will be,                            
No merriment, good cheer or glee.                           
Now that Santa's arrested,                                  
Because someone protested,                                  
That he laid some doll under their tree.                    
                                                            
27455 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING                               



"For Christmas", she said with a tingle,                    
"I'd love a gift cunnilingual."                             
'Twas with joy and surprise                                 
She found 'twixt her thighs                                 
The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle.                           
                                                            
27456 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Stan                     



The snow at my feet, how it swirls                          
As the Holiday season unfurls!                              
I asked old St Nick                                         
To try a new trick,                                         
And send me a list of BAD girls.                            
                                                            
27457 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Irish                    



The shit 'neath my boots, how it squishes,                  
As I make my Holiday wishes.                                
I wrote in my letter                                        
To Santa, it's better                                       
For pussies to smell more like fishes!                      
                                                            
27458 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Travis Brasell           



That wily old pervert, St. Nick,                            
Made good use of the curve in his dick.                     
He glazed the whole shaft,                                  
Painted stripes, then he laughed,                           
As he offered young ladies a lick.                          
                                                            
27459 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Derek                    



With the help of his eight reindeer,                        
Santa brings loads of good cheer.                           
But he's often most glum;                                   
He can only come                                            
But once in any given year.                                 
                                                            
27460 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Al Lichtman              



When Santa Claus got to her tree,                           
In the nude, slightly stewed, stood Marie.                  
Santa said, "Well my dear                                   
I just come once a year...                                  
And THIS ain't the night for it for me!"                    
                                                            
27461 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Grand Prix Lim    2      



The weather, by jayzus, does fright me;                     
I'm off to find someone to ride me.                         
I'm giggling. It's snowing.                                 
Old Santa's ho-ho'ing,                                      
And I've got fresh snowballs inside me                      
                                                            
27462 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING                               



On the night that I saw Santa Claus,                        
He was taking off my mother's drawers.                      
He was quiet as a mouse,                                    
And when he left the house,                                 
The car that he drove wasn't Pa's.                          
                                                            
27463 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Al Willis                



A hot little lady, Marie,                                   
Made Santa as glad as can be,                               
When she whipped off his suit                               
Screaming "My, you look cute!"                              
And she humped him right under the tree.                    
                                                            
27464 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Cap'n Bean          P0312



On a frosty Christmas morn,                                 
Santa arrived with a horn.                                  
He said, "Bend over, please,                                
Go down on your knees.                                      
I must park my cock somewhere warm."                        
                                                            
27465 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING      Anon                     



'Twas late in the month of December --                      
Christmas Eve, I'll always remember.                        
How I walked in the house                                   
Quiet as a mouse,                                           
Caught my wife sucking on Santa's member.                   
                                                            
27466 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING                               



Now a blow job for him I'd let pass                         
But that wasn't all...No, alas!                             
From our bed to the loo                                     
There existed a queue,                                      
Of reindeer, to fuck my wife's ass!                         
                                                            
27467 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING                               



She must have been good in bed,                             
Reindeer style and giving head.                             
Forget what they tell;                                      
The truth you know well;                                    
Rudolph came and his nose turned red.                       
                                                            
27468 FAMOUS - SANTA - SCREWING                               



Forthcoming is a strange Christmas tale                     
About Santa who wound up in jail.                           
The problem you see,                                        
As plain as can be,                                         
Was his penchant for Wee Amber Ale.                         
                                                            
27469 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Sandman                  



On a night when the beer was for free,                      
He came home as drunk as could be.                          
And the silly old codger                                    
Wound the clock with his todger,                            
And diddled his wife with the key!                          
                                                            
27470 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Sandman                  



She's now suing for unlawful entry;                         
Her home now is guarded by sentry.                          
Not welcome at home,                                        
So now he does roam,                                        
No longer a popular old gentry.                             
                                                            
27471 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Sandman                  



He hit on a new line of work;                               
With a dentist he happened to lurk.                         
But with increasing depravity                               
He'd fill the wrong cavity;                                 
Now all think that Santa's a jerk.                          
                                                            
27472 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Sandman                  



Suddenly Santa took moment to pause,                        
As James Dean waltzed in through the doors.                 
He arrested him quick                                       
It's the end of St. Nick,                                   
Now we've a rebel...without a Claus.                        
                                                            
27473 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Sandman                  



Those last limericks were in fact mine;                     
Sandman hopes you thought they were fine.                   
My life is a rhyme,                                         
Yet strangely sublime.                                      
I'll make sure I sign each line that's mine!                
                                                            
27474 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Think of all the fun that I've missed,                      
And all of the guys I've not kissed.                        
I've been awful good                                        
And I think you should                                      
Bring me all the things on my list.                         
                                                            
27475 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Carol                    



Oh Goodness, you've missed the true gist.                   
All good girls just love to get kissed.                     
A truly good girl                                           
Gives each bloke a whirl --                                 
A great girl will lend them her fist!                       
                                                            
27476 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Brian Belge              



I know I'm not top of your list,                            
But I hope that I haven't been missed.                      
And if I'm transported                                      
Or part teleported,                                         
I'll welcome a Christmassy tryst.                           
                                                            
27477 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Archie                   



On the day before Christmas Day,                            
A runner fell off of the sleigh.                            
Rudolph fell on his ass;                                    
Santa ran out of gas;                                       
The elves went on strike for more pay.                      
                                                            
27478 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Tony Burrell             



Santa said, "The elves are all fired.                       
Rudolf is old and he's tired.                               
I can't afford gas                                          
And although it sounds crass,                               
Tell kids "Forget it, I've retired."                        
                                                            
27479 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Tony Burrell             



It soon will be time for that bloke;                        
White whiskered, and scarlet-hued cloak.                    
Or so it appears                                            
These last seventy years                                    
In corporate colors of Coke.                                
                                                            
27480 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



Yes, soon on that sleigh he will sling                      
His goodies and parcels to bring.                           
His reindeer will fly                                       
Through the snow-laden sky,                                 
As down every chimney he'll swing.                          
                                                            
27481 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       G Watson                 



"Is Santa Claus coming our way                              
With his jingle bells, reindeer and sleigh?"                
"Don't be silly! It's Dad                                   
In disguise! Ain't he sad!                                  
And he's drunk too much whisky today."                      
                                                            
27482 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Peter Wilkins            



He should have known better, that goof!                     
That whisky, it was ninety-proof.                           
He tried to kiss Rudolph,                                   
Who told him to screw off.                                  
Then Santa fell off of the roof!                            
                                                            
27483 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Kaylin                   



Last year we all had a fright;                              
Saint Nick was, I fear, a bit tight.                        
He cursed and he grumbled,                                  
With his fly he fumbled,                                    
Then pissed on the fireplace light.                         
                                                            
27484 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Frank                    



The silly old muddled-head dear,                            
Got drunk on a six-pack of beer.                            
He puked in the night                                       
And gave me a fright,                                       
Then he tried to hump all eight reindeer.                   
                                                            
27485 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Arden                    



He shouted, "I'm no jolly elf!                              
Hell, I don't even smile at myself;                         
And I've got a bad back,                                    
Just from lugging that sack.                                
Ouch! I just hit my head on a shelf."                       
                                                            
27486 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Kent B. Hale        P9612



Don't want milk or a fancy sweet snack.                     
All that stuff could cause a heart atack.                   
I'll be perfectly clear,                                    
Give me pretzels and beer,                                  
And just maybe next year, I'll be back.                     
                                                            
27487 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Kent B. Hale        P9612



I'm so tired of wearing this suit.                          
Makes me look like a jolly fat fruit.                       
I want T-shirts and jeans                                   
Or some nice L.L.Beans,                                     
Casual style while delivering the loot.                     
                                                            
27488 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Kent B. Hale        P9612



By the way, Merry Christmas, I guess.                       
Now I've got my complaints off my chest.                    
I like turkey and stuff,                                    
Seems I can't get enough,                                   
But I clearly like deer steaks the best!                    
                                                            
27489 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Kent B. Hale        P9612



Reindeer sometimes create yellow snow,                      
And/or rain when they are on the go;                        
Said Santa, "My deer,                                       
So it would appear,                                         
Are just guilty of going with the flow."                    
                                                            
27490 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Kent B. Hale        P9612



Did you know, deer break wind as they fly?                  
Enough gas to light up the sky.                             
The air is so ripe                                          
I can't light up my pipe.                                   
It's enough to make old Santa Cry.                          
                                                            
27491 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Kent B. Hale        P9612



Another Christmas is now in the books,                      
And I'm just as tired as it looks.                          
Kiddies had me up early,                                    
Which left me a bit surly;                                  
Damn Santa and those retailing crooks!                      
                                                            
27492 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Faerie                   



I worked late just the night before,                        
When I got home, I locked the damn door.                    
The sumbitch got in,                                        
Still can't figure out when,                                
All I know is he did, now I'm poor.                         
                                                            
27493 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Faerie                   



The pile of busted up toys,                                 
That was wrought by my girl and the boys,                   
I'd sure like to stick                                      
Up his ass, the big prick.                                  
It would be one of my greatest joys.                        
                                                            
27494 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Faerie                   



But the asshole went back to the Pole;                      
Fifty-one weeks a year...On the dole!                       
He fucks with his missus,                                   
Hope it burns when he pisses,                               
'Cause she was out screwing some troll.                     
                                                            
27495 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Faerie                   



This story has grown to be stale;                           
I'll relax with a nice big cocktail.                        
Be glad when it's done,                                     
And thank Heaven for one                                    
Nice gift. I'm too broke to make bail.                      
                                                            
27496 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Faerie                   



Santa has landed with sleigh                                
Right on my lawn during day.                                
The harness ondo,                                           
Now the deer are askew;                                     
Now my dog has entered the fray!                            
                                                            
27497 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Azul                     



With much barking and nipping at heels,                     
He rounded them up and did reel                             
Back to the harness knot,                                   
Fixed on the spot,                                          
And away they went in that sleigh mobile.                   
                                                            
27498 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES       Azul                     



When Santa dropped down in a puff,                          
Young Katie lay there in the buff.                          
But before he was socking                                   
His gift in her stocking,                                   
He heard a loud voice say, "Enough!"                        
                                                            
27499 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Mrs. Claus, who was out in the yard                         
Had noticed his johnson get hard.                           
Where a line she'd attached,                                
So from bliss he was snatched,                              
And hoisted by his own petard.                              
                                                            
27500 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



For the old man the day began wrong:                        
It had all to do with his dong.                             
Mrs. Claus had been naggin'                                 
'Bout hubby's habit for shaggin'                            
Young birds, so hence his raucous song:                     
                                                            
27501 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



"Ho-ho little rascals ho-ho,                                
Tonight Santa starts his fake show.                         
You'll believe every bit                                    
'Cause you are just dumb shit,                              
And you lack the I.Q. to know!"                             
                                                            
27502 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Now this, of course, is a false start,                      
But life on the old chap is hard.                           
He shows signs of demention                                 
In spite of intention;                                      
This year he plays the wrong card.                          
                                                            
27503 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



And when you start from the north pole                      
To this latitude, it's a long haul.                         
It's especialy hard                                         
For a crappy old fart                                       
Who's for most of the year on the dole.                     
                                                            
27504 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



For all of us, sleighs have their charm,                    
And a ride won't do you any harm.                           
But for Santa up high                                       
In a dark freezing sky,                                     
It's darn difficult to keep his balls warm.                 
                                                            
27505 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Well, it's plain for us to see why                          
On this dreadful trip, our Santa guy                        
Wasn't up to the task,                                      
And he groped for the flask.                                
From his icicled beard came this outcry:                    
                                                            
27506 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Poor Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer                          
Had a little bit too much beer;                             
Kept his nose right bright                                  
Throughout the whole night,                                 
But could not guide the sleigh this year.                   
                                                            
27507 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Hey, Santa babe, come over here!                            
I have been a good girl all year.                           
I can't wait to see                                         
What you can show me,                                       
In your line of holiday cheer.                              
                                                            
27508 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Come here and hop on Santa's lap;                           
Oops something's popped up by your gap.                     
It's a brand new toy                                        
For you to enjoy;                                           
Hope you don't mind there is no gift wrap.                  
                                                            
27509 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Well, 'tis the season to stroke Santa's bells,              
As his sack full of toys fills and swells.                  
His sleigh is now stiff,                                    
His delivery swift,                                         
Like a Gatling gun, spraying out shells.                    
                                                            
27510 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Like a master, he hits every house                          
In and out, quiet as a mouse.                               
To be nice is the goal,                                     
So as not to get coal;                                      
So be nice, now, and take off your blouse.                  
                                                            
27511 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



In the village of Cookham today,                            
The fellows put on an old play,                             
Where they kill Santa Claus,                                
For being the cause,                                        
Of the misery they had yesterday.                           
                                                            
27512 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



At 3am kids woke from sleep.                                
To go shut them up, out you'd creep.                        
One new toy's right there,                                  
At the top of the stair...                                  
You trip, fall the flight in a heap.                        
                                                            
27513 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



That damned turkey tastes bloody foul,                      
You try, but you can't hide that scowl,                     
It's tough as a brick;                                      
Now young June's being sick,                                
And Jim's lost control of his bowels.                       
                                                            
27514 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Your head's splitting from that cheap booze,                
The Christmas tree lights bblown a fuse,                    
And now as you put                                          
Into it your foot...                                        
Yes the cat has gone shat in your shoes.                    
                                                            
27515 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Those Cookham townsfolk aren't deluded,                     
It's Old Nick, not Saint nickie who did                     
Print in small type                                         
The cause of one gripe:                                     
That batteries are not included.                            
                                                            
27516 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



You'll call me a scrooge 'cos I'm slatin'                   
This festival, but I'm just waitin'                         
For some clever man ta                                      
Discover that Santa                                         
Is anagrammatically Satan.                                  
                                                            
27517 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



That turkey, plum pudding and jelly                         
Has vastly expanded my belly.                               
Like Buddha I sit;                                          
Indigestion has hit                                         
And my farts are exceedingly smelly.                        
                                                            
27518 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Today I shall have me a rest;                               
Let the turkey and whisky digest.                           
I suppose I should take                                     
A brisk walk by the lake                                    
But, oh sod it, I'll stay here half-dressed.                
                                                            
27519 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Wallet takes the usual whopping.                            
Its race place to place without stopping.                   
I love Christmas season,                                    
For many a reason.                                          
But damn, how I loathe all the shopping.                    
                                                            
27520 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Eat, drink, be merry!  (A song?)                            
Fuel body and soul to stay strong                           
Take a good crap;                                           
Have a nice nap;                                            
I doubt you'll be half dressed for long.                    
                                                            
27521 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Fish net stockings ol' Santa's got,                         
From his tootsies up to his cock.                           
Red garters of lace                                         
To keep them in place,                                      
Matching bra and panties so hot.                            
                                                            
27522 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



The reindeer eyes wide with fright,                         
Are locking their doors every night.                        
The chimney they block;                                     
Won't answer a knock;                                       
And pray it will soon be daylight.                          
                                                            
27523 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



Poor Rudolph, is now Santa's prey;                          
In locking up he did delay.                                 
Now he's on the phone,                                      
Hysterical tone,                                            
Dialing help from the S.P.C.A.                              
                                                            
27524 FAMOUS - SANTA - ZSERIES                                



The average guy farts thirteen times                        
A day, (and much more if he rhymes).                        
And Latin would drat us                                     
To call the thing flatus.                                   
(I aspire to much higher crimes.)                           
                                                            
27525 FLATULENCE                     Wiley                    



The 64 DOLLAR QUESTION                                      
In dealing with acute indigestion                           
Is: Would it be crass                                       
To pass some gas                                            
And if so, have you another suggestion?                     
                                                            
27526 FLATULENCE                     Norm Brust               



I once took the F train to Queens,                          
That was stuffed like a can of sardines.                    
Though it was quite terrible,                               
It would have been bearable,                                
If I wasn't digesting baked beans.                          
                                                            
27527 FLATULENCE                     Phil T                   



When your bowels are in a flux,                             
The odor most awfully sucks.                                
But I'll settle for gas,                                    
And not have to pass                                        
Whatever it is that sells Tucks.                            
                                                            
27528 FLATULENCE                     OgniGioia                



Intestines rumbling, BORBORYGMUS,                           
Presented Magi with enigmas;                                
By fits and starts                                          
They linked to farts,                                       
Cumulated gas passing sigmas.                               
                                                            
27529 FLATULENCE                     Daniel Ford              



There was an old pervert from Notts,                        
Who loved licking young ladies botts.                       
Whilst rimming one tart,                                    
She passed a wet fart,                                      
And covered his face with brown spots.                      
                                                            
27530 FLATULENCE                     Anon                     



We're bathing, my hands start to grope;                     
You're breathless, unable to cope.                          
It's not the foreplay                                       
Taking your breath away;                                    
The bubbles aren't all from the soap.                       
                                                            
27531 FLATULENCE                     Jim Weaver Collection    



The funeral worker had started                              
To prepare the most dearly departed,                        
When he said, in surprise,                                  
As a noise did arise,                                       
"I believe my cadaver just farted!"                         
                                                            
27532 FLATULENCE                     Cap'n Bean          P0307



Detailing the mild from the raw,                            
Concerned with the thickness and draw,                      
A new magazine                                              
Named Coli and Bean                                         
Would argue Ballon versus Straw!                            
                                                            
27533 FLATULENCE                     H                        



Now, if you must fart, darling Rose,                        
I'd rather a time that you chose,                           
When we weren't entwined                                    
In act 69 --                                                
The damned gas goes straight up my nose.                    
                                                            
27534 FLATULENCE                                              



The grill and fuel station lacked class,                    
And though hungry, we just let it pass.                     
We could tell by the sign                                   
It was no place to dine,                                    
For it stated, "Eat here and get gas."                      
                                                            
27535 FLATULENCE                     Bob Giandomenico    P9504



Some say that the vapors enhance,                           
The tendency to show non chalance.                          
And if it gets on feet,                                     
Or some upon seat,                                          
Everyone will resist your advance.                          
                                                            
27536 FLATULENCE                     Tom Matkin               



A flautlent patient named Perse                             
Broke wind in the face of his nurse;                        
Quite floored by the smell,                                 
She sure gave him hell;                                     
That's putting the fart 'fore the curse.                    
                                                            
27537 FLATULENCE                     Armand E Singer      517C



The lately-lamented Bill Perse                              
Did something of which nothing's worse:                     
He blew out a gasket                                        
That sealed his own casket --                               
A clear case of fart before hearse!                         
                                                            
27538 FLATULENCE                     Armand E Singer      517B



There was an inventor named Carter                          
Produced a device that was smarter.                         
It would check every ass                                    
For the passing of gas,                                     
And would finger the negligent farter.                      
                                                            
27539 FLATULENCE                     Al Chaplin          P9902



A famous smart feller named Bright                          
Outsmarted all fellers in sight.                            
He progressed with his guile                                
To the top of the pile,                                     
And felt smart as a smart feller might.                     
                                                            
27540 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-2471



At a meeting appeared old man Carter,                       
He let a big fart as a starter.                             
Then he talked for a spell                                  
But no person could tell                                    
The orifice which was the smarter.                          
                                                            
27541 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-1194



Ex Domine del Dominorum                                     
In fartus exist deocorum                                    
In liftus farnot                                            
Com smellus allot                                           
In communicado ilt flooredem.                               
                                                            
27542 FLATULENCE                                              



Well, jeezus, I'm not very smart,                           
So I may have this wrong from the start.                    
I think you mean, Lass,                                     
Passing gas from the ass,                                   
Or to put it more plainly, just "fart".                     
                                                            
27543 FLATULENCE                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Politicians have oodles to gain                             
By putting the lid on methane.                              
I think they have planned                                   
To have our H banned,                                       
With all beans to a province of Spain.                      
(H is renowned for his farts)                               
27544 FLATULENCE                                              



Homo sap by the billions is swarming;                       
The face of this planet transforming.                       
And raw methane gasses                                      
Come out of their asses,                                    
Producing a vast global warming?                            
                                                            
27545 FLATULENCE                     H WHELCHEL               



A sensitive girl from South Bend                            
At first thought her man did offend,                        
For this rotten old Bart                                    
Let a terrible fart,                                        
But was awfully good at the end.                            
                                                            
27546 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-0342



Woe, alack, and alas!                                       
I'm held together by intestinal gas!                        
Each time I fart,                                           
Something falls apart.                                      
See!  There's a crack in my ass!                            
                                                            
27547 FLATULENCE                     Lims For Year - 01       



There were two young twins name of Hartz,                   
Exactly alike in all parts.                                 
No one knew which was who,                                  
But their mother, she knew.                                 
She could tell them apart by their farts.                   
                                                            
27548 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-1205



It's a sign of wedded security,                             
A marriage that's reached it's maturity,                    
When neither accuses,                                       
Nor offers excuses,                                         
For farts that fly with impunity.                           
                                                            
27549 FLATULENCE                                              



There was a small boy named Lou                             
In church with this family and who                          
Said to his father, Bart,                                   
"Dad, I have to fart."                                      
"You'll have to sit in your own pew."                       
                                                            
27550 FLATULENCE                     Henry Mucha              



There once was a Dane known as Martin                       
Who didn't know shit about fartin'.                         
He needs to drink more                                      
'Fore he knows the score,                                   
And blathers the facts worth impartin'.                     
                                                            
27551 FLATULENCE                                              



You are such a delicate lass,                               
Disturbed by the mention of gas,                            
From out either end,                                        
By youth or old friend,                                     
Rejoicing that this, too, will pass.                        
                                                            
27552 FLATULENCE                     Chris Papa               



I know a young fellow named Stout                           
Whose life is a quagmire of doubt;                          
He admits that he sinned                                    
When he had to break wind--                                 
But he won't throw his windbreaker out!                     
                                                            
27553 FLATULENCE                     Norm Storer         P9509



A hurricane's formed in the lee!                            
All radio lubbers to flee!                                  
The tide will soon surge!                                   
God damn this foul urge!                                    
I shouln't be farting at sea.                               
                                                            
27554 FLATULENCE                     H Welchel                



I'm tempted to call you a blatherskite,                     
But I fear that my chances are rather slight.               
You'd get mad and depart,                                   
Or pen lims on a fart,                                      
Like the bulk of the gaseous who gather write.              
                                                            
27555 FLATULENCE                                              



A spamming ridiculous upstart,                              
Wants to sell us a machine that can fart.                   
With this obvious merit,                                    
Its creator can parrot,                                     
But you'll never convince me that's art!                    
                                                            
27556 FLATULENCE                                              



Now, to fart out in public takes gall;                      
Looking innocent, standing so tall;                         
But you won't feel so smart                                 
'Bout your big, secret fart,                                
If it wasn't a fart after all!                              
                                                            
27557 FLATULENCE                                              



I fart 'round the house if I want;                          
Each one follows me like a haunt.                           
I answer the door;                                          
They drop to the floor,                                     
Sneak out and go for a jaunt.                               
                                                            
27558 FLATULENCE                     Marlene Lewis            



The neighbors claim we've got "lake stink."                 
But really, the truth is, I think                           
That all of our pooters                                     
Are looking for suitors.                                    
The smell rises whenever they wink.                         
                                                            
27559 FLATULENCE                     Marlene Lewis            



The doctor examined the parts                               
Of a sickly old fellow named Hartz.                         
And he said, "I can't see                                   
What your illness can be,                                   
For you're letting some fine healthy farts."                
                                                            
27560 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-1222



On Earth, man has made a poor start;                        
In pollution, he's put soul and heart.                      
But in Congress, their goal                                 
Is to plug every hole --                                    
Man will soon need a license to fart.                       
                                                            
27561 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-2320



Farting's what sets me at ease.                             
Most people think me a sleaze.                              
I ask them to yank                                          
My finger, not crank.                                       
A little help here if you please.                           
                                                            
27562 FLATULENCE                     H Whelchel               



We have a condition called flatus.                          
Well, it would surely elate us                              
If you could cure it.                                       
We barely endure it.                                        
The neighbors even evade us.                                
                                                            
27563 FLATULENCE                     Robert Ulsh Gross   P8205



They say that our Al has no class.                          
I'll tell you the reason, alas.                             
While some say he's gentry,                                 
His name's Al Imentry,                                      
And he never quite runs out of gas.                         
                                                            
27564 FLATULENCE                     Al Willis                



Well the union can be such an ass                           
(If you'll pardon my being so crass).                       
When they try to recruit me                                 
Or threaten to shoot me,                                    
My answer is just to pass gas.                              
                                                            
27565 FLATULENCE                     Neal Wilgus         P8608



There was a young lady from Dosset,                         
Who went to a pennyworth closet.                            
But when she got there,                                     
She could only puff air.                                    
That wasn't a pennyworth, was it?                           
                                                            
27566 FLATULENCE                                              



There was a young lady of Dorset,                           
Who went to an Underground closet.                          
She screwed up her ass                                      
But passed only gas,                                        
And that wasn't a tuppence-worth, was it?                   
                                                            
27567 FLATULENCE                                         L0694



Alone in the elevator, watch for                            
Urgent gas that will tempt you to roar;                     
Break wind if you choose,                                   
But you never know who's                                    
Getting on at the very next floor!                          
                                                            
27568 FLATULENCE                                              



To conserve gas supplies, Carter's team                     
Proceeded to work at full steam,                            
So they mixed gas and farts                                 
In exact equal parts,                                       
But they failed in this half-farted scheme.                 
                                                            
27569 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-2330



SOS and Mayday me hearty!                                   
I hear that your having a party.                            
Young P. and his passion,                                   
I'll bring my rum ration,                                   
And I promise I'll not be too farty.                        
                                                            
27570 FLATULENCE                     Jim Weaver Collection    



The rubbing of some body parts,                             
Brings closer a meeting of hearts.                          
I have one large fault                                      
And soon she will bolt,                                     
When I let go with one of my farts.                         
                                                            
27571 FLATULENCE                                              



There once was a fellow named Ned                           
Who always farted in bed.                                   
One night his wife cried,                                   
"Go take it outside!"                                       
So now Ned farts in a shed.                                 
                                                            
27572 FLATULENCE                     D. Hultgren              



The rotund old preacher had started                         
To pray for the dear and departed.                          
As he wheezed and knelt down                                
He was squeezed by his gown,                                
So he parted his cheeks and he farted.                      
                                                            
27573 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-1093



I'm sorry, I fart strictly gas,                             
Except for a lump I might pass,                             
Which is diamond-less                                       
And gem-less. I guess                                       
That H might get more from his ass.                         
                                                            
27574 FLATULENCE                                              



A lousy lieutenant named Martin,                            
Of habits -- dad nabit! -- unsartain,                       
Would brag of his wit,                                      
Which was nothing but shit,                                 
For his mouth, he used mainly for fartin'.                  
                                                            
27575 FLATULENCE                                         G1424



Increased bowel gases flatulent,                            
As from a visitor corpulent,                                
With bogborigmus                                            
And odor stigmas,                                           
Lowers value of the flat that you lent.                     
                                                            
27576 FLATULENCE                     Daniel Ford              



There once was a young man named Roland,                    
Who kept his own head in his colon.                         
One day on a lark,                                          
He let out a fart,                                          
And blew his own mind clear to Poland.                      
                                                            
27577 FLATULENCE                     Anticlam                 



To write about farts I've been busting,                     
As they make a nice change from lusting.                    
But my efforts at wit                                       
Produce nothing but shit,                                   
And a rhyme about slime is disgusting.                      
                                                            
27578 FLATULENCE                     Prof                     



Poor old P. Dickerson Dowd                                  
Was bloodied a bit, but unbowed;                            
The violence started                                        
When Dickerson farted,                                      
While showing his ass to the crowd.                         
                                                            
27579 FLATULENCE                                              



Around the world a bad fart has flown,                      
And Oh! How it's power has grown.                           
After going all over,                                       
It settled on Dover,                                        
And now the whole town's over blown.                        
                                                            
27580 FLATULENCE                     Archie                   



Mil surplus (mask, gas) market?  Boom?                      
In France, they're dispensing perfume.                      
The Dutch?  Hoarding guilders.                              
The Japs?  Making filters.                                  
In England they're bearing the gloom.                       
                                                            
27581 FLATULENCE                     Archie                   



And on 'round the world it then traveled;                   
The great Rocky Mountains, it graveled.                     
It reached me at work;                                      
(Oh King Fart, you jerk!)                                   
The damn thing my knickers unraveled.                       
                                                            
27582 FLATULENCE                     Archie                   



A warm puff of intestinal air,                              
Ruffled his dear lover's hair!                              
He said, "Excuse my ass belching,                           
Please, go on with your felching,                           
You suck an ass with such flair!"                           
                                                            
27583 FLATULENCE                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Der vas ein yung feller of Stuttgart                        
Who haben in life ein fine gut schtart.                     
Venn he vas a boy littler                                   
He'd salute with Heil Hitler,                               
And vud end his salute mit ein butt fart.                   
                                                            
27584 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-2325



There was a wee bonnie young lass,                          
Who had the most beautiful ass.                             
I took her to bed,                                          
And we would have wed,                                      
But for all of the gas that she'd pass.                     
                                                            
27585 FLATULENCE                     Dave So             T9710



Once as a young callow youth,                               
I dated demure, pretty Ruth...                              
My trick was ingidious;                                     
She cried, "That just hidious!                              
And put down your legs, it's uncouth!"                      
                                                            
27586 FLATULENCE                     Tutta Gioia              



There once was a soldier named Art --                       
Every time he ate spam he would fart.                       
It's a hell of a feat                                       
For a tin of chopped meat                                   
To affect one's Pvt. part.                                  
                                                            
27587 FLATULENCE                     Dr. Feelgood             



There once was a soldier named Art --                       
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart.                      
With the help of this fact,                                 
And a strategical match,                                    
He could blow all the bad guys apart.                       
                                                            
27588 FLATULENCE                     Dr. Feelgood             



There once was a soldier named Art --                       
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart.                      
Such a sweet melody                                         
That all did agree                                          
That his arse must connect to his heart!                    
                                                            
27589 FLATULENCE                     Dr. Feelgood             



There once was a soldier named Art --                       
Every time he ate Spam he would fart                        
Through the end of his cock --                              
And though he got a shock,                                  
It put wind up the company tart!                            
                                                            
27590 FLATULENCE                     Dr. Feelgood             



There once was an impotent fart                             
Who took the sweet science to heart.                        
He'd spar with young whores,                                
Cause jabs to the drawers.                                  
'Twas all that would give him a start.                      
                                                            
27591 FLATULENCE                     H WHELCHEL               



A nortorious farter named Treadwell                         
Was barred from the shrine of St. Winifred's Well.          
A bloke from the Yard                                       
Remarked, "We must guard                                    
The public from what Treadwell's spread well."              
                                                            
27592 FLATULENCE                     Arthur Deex         P9211



Last night in the club, we had bells on,                    
When all of the patrons, they smelled one.                  
They're sniffin' and whiffin';                              
The axe-man was riffin',                                    
But I stole the show with a swell one.                      
                                                            
27593 FLATULENCE                     H Welchel                



There was a young fellow named Martin                       
Whose favorite pastime was fartin'.                         
But one day, alas,                                          
What he thought was gas,                                    
Was something you shovel and cart in.                       
                                                            
27594 FLATULENCE                                         G1423



There was an old fellow named Newman                        
Whose wife was left angry and fumin'.                       
He was told to take care                                    
When he vented his air,                                     
But to air, he said stoutly, was human.                     
                                                            
27595 FLATULENCE                     Albin Chaplin   3024-1220



Regarding the talent to fart:                               
It's neither a skill nor an art.                            
It is aromatic                                              
But too democratic                                          
To set the performer apart.                                 
                                                            
27596 FLATULENCE                                              



'Tis true that the breaking of wind                         
Is something at which we've all sinned.                     
You should make bowel control                               
Your attainable goal,                                       
Or you'll wind up in space if not pinned.                   
                                                            
27597 FLATULENCE                                              



As he lay in the tub broken-hearted,                        
The queer tried to hold back, but farted.                   
It made him so sick                                         
To see the Vaseline slick                                   
Of his long lost lover departed.                            
                                                            
27598 FLATULENCE                     Jim Weaver Collection    



As the mother of a male child,                              
I learned to react rather mild.                             
Seems most men and boys                                     
Allow anal noise                                            
To make their laughter run wild.                            
                                                            
27599 FLATULENCE                     Maggie                   



It seems bathroom humor is in,                              
And manners just don't seem to win.                         
There is no disgrace                                        
Nor egg on the face;                                        
It's just one more reason to grin!                          
                                                            
27600 FLATULENCE                     Maggie                   



I've got me an auto-fart squib                              
That sits on the end of a rib.                              
You stick in your cooter;                                   
It lights off your pooter,                                  
When ever you cut loose a fib.                              
                                                            
27601 FLATULENCE                                              



I met a young man down in Kent,                             
Who farted wherever he went.                                
"I'm going to Dover,                                        
To take a trip over                                         
To France, then I'm incontinent."                           
                                                            
27602 FLATULENCE                                              



An old hill-billy named Don,                                
Having used the outdoor john,                               
Left the door open wide                                     
To let fresh air inside,                                    
And went in to his wife and his son.                        
                                                            
27603 FLATULENCE                     Tiddy Ogg                



The wind blowing hard then, quite soon                      
Came along a red toy balloon.                               
It came in through the door,                                
To the pan, not the floor,                                  
And stayed there until nearly noon.                         
                                                            
27604 FLATULENCE                     Tiddy Ogg                



Just then the wife came outside,                            
And there in the john she espied                            
A great red protusion --                                    
No, 'twas no illusion --                                    
And rushing straight indoors she cried...                   
                                                            
27605 FLATULENCE                     Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh, Don't see what you've passed.                          
That must have come out of your ass.                        
Now son, get the quack,                                     
And hurry right back."                                      
The boy scuttled off, breathing fast.                       
                                                            
27606 FLATULENCE                     Tiddy Ogg                



The doctor up to the house sped,                            
And the woman now frantically said:                         
"How could this appear                                      
From my husband's rear."                                    
The doc, at a loss, scratched his head.                     
                                                            
27607 FLATULENCE                     Tiddy Ogg                



From his bag he produced a thin rod,                        
And gave the balloon quite a prod.                          
It went off with a bang,                                    
And back they all sprang.                                   
Shouting "Heavens!", "Good Lord!" and "My God!"             
                                                            
27608 FLATULENCE                     Tiddy Ogg                



Wiping the shit from his chin,                              
The doctor just managed a grin.                             
"I've  practiced round here                                 
For near forty year,                                        
And I've ne'er seen a fart with a skin."                    
                                                            
27609 FLATULENCE                     Tiddy Ogg                



A fellow who just preferred greens                          
Once ate an abundance of beans;                             
It left him with gas                                        
Spewing out of his ass,                                     
And with stains in the seat of his jeans.                   
                                                            
27610 FLATULENCE - DIET              Cap'n Bean          P0306



A lady ate six tons of peas                                 
And it made her swell up so obese,                          
That her mate said, "Ho boy!                                
C'est vrai advoirdupois!                                    
Heaven help those downwind in the breeze!"                  
                                                            
27611 FLATULENCE - DIET              Robin K. Willoughby P8402



It's best not eat prunes,                                   
Or you'll play some thunderous tunes.                       
Your fame will soon spread;                                 
They'll call you "fart-head"                                
And bar you from local saloons.                             
                                                            
27612 FLATULENCE - DIET              Observer                 



There was a young lady named Bright                         
Who said to the butcher polite,                             
Have you beef hearts today?"                                
But the butcher said "Nay,                                  
Try these beans, they'll beef hearts tonight."              
                                                            
27613 FLATULENCE - DIET              Albin Chaplin   3024-1971



I've always enjoyed a good party                            
And eight A.M. is a good start. We                          
Can each have a snack                                       
At dawn's early crack,                                      
But beware -- all that beer gets me farty!                  
                                                            
27614 FLATULENCE - DIET                                       



Now darlin' I never drink beer,                             
Just one will put me on my ear.                             
So bring me some wine,                                      
To have a good time,                                        
And then I'll lead my special cheer.                        
                                                            
27615 FLATULENCE - DIET                                       



If I sit on your lap, will I hear                           
A loud raucous sound from your rear?                        
The wine sounds okay                                        
But you've had beer today,                                  
Your breath sold you out, barfy dear.                       
                                                            
27616 FLATULENCE - DIET                                       



Potatoes were banned once in France;                        
'Twas claimed they caused Saint Vitus dance.                
But everyone knows                                          
(Despite 'claims' it's prose)                               
It's beets that puts farts in your pants.                   
                                                            
27617 FLATULENCE - DIET                                       



When you eat boiled eggs and drink beer,                    
The intestinal pressure's severe.                           
Embarrassing stigmas                                        
Can cause BORBORYGMAS,                                      
The rumbling noise that you hear!                           
                                                            
27618 FLATULENCE - DIET              Observer                 



One day in deep forest, a pygmy                             
Met a dear friend and said to him, "Dig me,                 
I just ate some dude,                                       
All hairy, unstewed,                                        
Which tickled and brought BORBORYGMI."                      
                                                            
27619 FLATULENCE - DIET              Chris Papa               



I always leave carrots till last,                           
And I gobble the peas really fast.                          
But I won't touch my jello                                  
While romancing a fellow,                                   
'Cause sometimes it gives me bad gas.                       
                                                            
27620 FLATULENCE - DIET              Willow Haven             



I made a New Years Resolution,                              
To keep what I think's the solution.                        
I'll stop eating greens                                     
And Mexican beans,                                          
And cut way back on pollution.                              
                                                            
27621 FLATULENCE - DIET              Blowsephus          T9801



There was a food faddist named Keynes                       
Who only ate carrots and beans.                             
At night on the prowl                                       
He could see like an owl,                                   
But he farted all day in his jeans.                         
                                                            
27622 FLATULENCE - DIET              Albin Chaplin   3024-1211



Your breath may be sweet, but you'll find                   
That friends who know of your mind                          
For green prophylaxis                                       
With leguminous praxis                                      
Won't follow too closely behind.                            
                                                            
27623 FLATULENCE - DIET              J'Carlin                 



The nights are fair drawin' in;                             
The wind it makes such a din!                               
My husband's a pain,                                        
(Ate baked beaans again...)                                 
In fact, he ate more than one tin.                          
                                                            
27624 FLATULENCE - DIET              Jayne                    



But I do not think this is right;                           
Make the best of this -- give him a light.                  
Though with too big a fart,                                 
You house may blow apart;                                   
At least you can stay warm at night.                        
                                                            
27625 FLATULENCE - DIET              DJ                       



If you've had a beer for a start,                           
Then found there are beans on the cart,                     
You may hide the swell                                      
But never the smell,                                        
As they join and you start to fart.                         
                                                            
27626 FLATULENCE - DIET                                       



I suggest you avoid submarines.                             
And I doubt that you'll please the colleens.                
So stay far away                                            
And use a sachet,                                           
If you have been eating baked beans.                        
                                                            
27627 FLATULENCE - DIET              Jim Weaver Collection    



My brother's name is Martin;                                
His lifestyle is somewhat spartan.                          
He doesn't do much,                                         
No hobbies as such,                                         
Just eatin' and drinkin' and fartin'.                       
                                                            
27628 FLATULENCE - DIET                                       



For fuel, man looks both near and far --                    
He is funding a program bizarre:                            
With beans as a fuel                                        
And his asshole a tool,                                     
He blasts farts for propelling his car.                     
                                                            
27629 FLATULENCE - DIET              Albin Chaplin   3024-2041



If you've eaten too much beans or cheese,                   
And your colonic gas needs release,                         
Don't fart it away!                                         
Save it up, make it pay!                                    
In fact, can you send it here - please!                     
                                                            
27630 FLATULENCE - DIET              Tutta Gioia              



The boys were a bunch of upstarts,                          
And mischief was all in their hearts.                       
It's all in their genes,                                    
So when they eat beans,                                     
They shower each other with farts.                          
                                                            
27631 FLATULENCE - DIET              Naz                      



A prunes and bran lover named Barton                        
Received a reward to enhearten:                             
He was given a plaque,                                      
Neatly framed in coal black,                                
For skill in the fine art of fartin'!                       
                                                            
27632 FLATULENCE - DIET              Armand E Singer       905



There is a poor victim named Marts                          
Who never can stop once he starts;                          
If he overdoes bran                                         
With his fruit-fiber plan,                                  
He riddles the room with his farts.                         
                                                            
27633 FLATULENCE - DIET              Armand E Singer       481



A flatulent fellow named Cooper                             
Is known as a blue-ribbon pooper.                           
Them as knows, says it means                                
He's a glutton for beans --                                 
Well, he sure bangs 'em out like a trooper.                 
                                                            
27634 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Grand Prix Lim  910 G1371



Many parties are marred up in Downing,                      
By the Bard of Petard and his clowning.                     
He'll recite Keats and Shelly                               
Way down in his belly,                                      
Then appal with a small bit of Browning.                    
                                                            
27635 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Pierce Evans             



A crepitant cowhand named Sweezy                            
With his blasts, made the countryside breezy.               
Accompanied by means                                        
Of big meals of red beans,                                  
To Sweezy these breezes came easy.                          
                                                            
27636 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                G1469



There was a young fellow named Charted,                     
Who rubbed soap on his bung when it smarted.                
And to his surprise,                                        
He received a grand prize,                                  
For the bubbles he blew when he farted.                     
                                                            
27637 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                L0684



A flatulent M.A.                                            
Said to Ziegfeld, the C.P.,                                 
"If you seek to attract                                     
An explosive new act,                                       
I'm a champion Bl. F."                                      
                                                            
27638 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Keith Gilman        P0112



With his beans, Chef Richard did strive                     
To meet the Clean Air Standards of '95.                     
But his hot-start emmission                                 
Revealed a condition                                        
Of flatulence in overdrive.                                 
                                                            
27639 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            ska@synon.com            



Oriental petards are not yellow,                            
But that does not make 'em more mellow.                     
When Africa attacks                                         
The gas is not black,                                       
But sounds like it came out of hell. Oh!                    
                                                            
27640 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



There was a young fellow named Bart,                        
Who strained every shit through a fart.                     
Each tip-tapered turd                                       
Was the very last word                                      
In this deft and most intricate art.                        
                                                            
27641 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                L0671



A flatulent lady was Mame;                                  
Her delicate farts won her fame.                            
But her husband, the shit,                                  
Was devoid of all wit;                                      
For to him all her farts smelt the same.                    
                                                            
27642 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1214



At a contest of farts, Mr. Whipple                          
With a tweak, to himself on his nipple,                     
And some anal compression,                                  
Could fart in succession,                                   
And won a great prize for a triple.                         
                                                            
27643 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Cap'n Bean               



There was a young man named McBride,                        
Who could fart whenever he tried.                           
In a contest he blew                                        
Two thousand and two,                                       
And then shit and was disqualified.                         
                                                            
27644 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                L0715



There once was a wonderful wizard,                          
Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard,                       
So he drank wind and snow                                   
At fifty below,                                             
And farted a forty-day blizzard.                            
                                                            
27645 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Conrad Aiken             



If you Let-Your-Wind, then you must                         
Join "Let-Your-Wind Anonymous."                             
So when on the verge                                        
Of having a surge,                                          
You phone, and report it to us.                             
                                                            
27646 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Irving Superior     P9804



A peculiar young Scot named MacDougal                       
Delights to break wind in a bugle.                          
Otherwise he is sane,                                       
Comes in out of the rain,                                   
And is hardworking, kindly, and frugal.                     
                                                            
27647 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Grand Prix Lim  892 G1416



I get gas from eating fried taters;                         
My belches smell worse than oil freighters.                 
Lately my farts                                             
Have grown in their smarts;                                 
They've learned to use elevators.                           
                                                            
27648 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Gearhart                 



There once was a burglar of Queens                          
Who concocted a soup of black beans.                        
When he'd let out a fart,                                   
The whole room would grow dark,                             
And he'd flee the crime scene unseen.                       
                                                            
27649 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Douglas Airmet           



A hitchhiker with tres savoir faire,                        
Had a talent I thought very rare.                           
With his thumb up his ass,                                  
He'd save up his gas,                                       
Pop it out, and fly through the air.                        
                                                            
27650 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Her pussy lips flapped as she farted                        
A fart and a half. As they parted                           
Like wings of a dove,                                       
She rose ten feet above                                     
Us and waved as she slowly departed.                        
                                                            
27651 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Peter Wilkins            



A discerning young fellow named Rickwid                     
Said, "Chili is one dish I'll stick wid.                    
For there's quite an art                                    
To predicting which fart                                    
Will be gas, and which one will be liquid."                 
                                                            
27652 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                G1442



The gourmets in dining take part                            
And together enjoy the chefs art.                           
But farting is fun,                                         
So when eating is done,                                     
They should gather together to fart.                        
                                                            
27653 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1221



I've numbered my farts one and all,                         
From the large right down to the small.                     
Some you can't hear,                                        
And some are quite clear,                                   
But the worst peel the paint off the wall.                  
                                                            
27654 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



Now here's an example of "smarts!"                          
I have hired him (I hope he soon starts),                   
To work for my crew                                         
Down at the old zoo;                                        
His job will be holding their farts!                        
                                                            
27655 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



My name is King Fart and I've blown                         
'Bout everything I cannot bone.                             
I've been busy squeezin'                                    
(This hurricane season)                                     
The mightiest blasts ever known.                            
                                                            
27656 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



My farts have been known to do harm                         
And cause population alarm.                                 
If harnessed for good,                                      
Perhaps these farts could                                   
Disperse a large tropical storm.                            
                                                            
27657 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



The governor hired me to void                               
And save Carolina from Floyd.                               
I blasted with might                                        
All day and all night,                                      
But just ended up with a 'rrhoid.                           
                                                            
27658 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



The storms that blew through were so ghastly;               
We thank you King Fart, it were vastly                      
Much worse but for you                                      
And the farts that you blew;                                
They were more than a little bit gassedly.                  
                                                            
27659 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



A flatulent actor named Barton                              
Had a lifestyle exceedingly Spartan.                        
Till a playwright one day                                   
Wrote a well-received play,                                 
With a part in which Barton could fart in.                  
                                                            
27660 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from St. Marten                       
Who saved all his odors from farten.                        
If it passed through his crack,                             
It went into a sack;                                        
And mistakes were all kept in a carton.                     
                                                            
27661 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old roue of Chartes                            
Who had to stoop over to fart.                              
He'd oft burst his britches,                                
Which put folks in stitches,                                
But proved most inspiring to Sartre.                        
                                                            
27662 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                G1369



It's a custom in some foreign parts                         
To say "Bless you" when somebody farts.                     
But they've learned those who sneeze                        
Are a source of disease,                                    
So they prudently cut out their hearts.                     
                                                            
27663 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Graham Lester            



It's a very complex and profound                            
Eloquent language of sound.                                 
The highs and the lows,                                     
The emotional throws,                                       
It's no wonder King Fart has been crowned.                  
                                                            
27664 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Karen                    



About farting, I see you're a maven,                        
But Latin is not your safe haven.                           
If you want to rhyme "flatus"                               
It should sound like "grate us";                            
Forgive me if this sounds like ravin'.                      
                                                            
27665 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Barbara                  



I'm concerned for the folks that love farts;                
They write words 'bout the oldest of arts.                  
They spend their time thinkin'                              
'Bout all that is stinkin';                                 
No wonder they've lost all their smarts!                    
                                                            
27666 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



A flatulent shyster named Ray,                              
Wondered just how to fill up his day.                       
"I'm tremendously proud                                     
Of my black methane cloud,                                  
But it drives all the ladies away."                         
                                                            
27667 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Jim Weaver Collection    



An Archaeologist lifted a tarp,                             
And said, "God! it smells like dead carp!                   
Was it some kind of cube                                    
Or a dump of old food?"                                     
Above, Ray smiled, strumming his harp.                      
                                                            
27668 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Jim Weaver Collection    



I busted a sweet one today.                                 
But no one was near. Oh, dismay.                            
But Kay down the street                                     
Cried "Bruce! Zat yo feet?"                                 
You could say that fart had a cachet.                       
                                                            
27669 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



She thought he was thinking out loud;                       
It sounds like farts; looks like a cloud.                   
When he gets to thinking,                                   
The place starts to stinking;                               
Of such mighty thoughts he's quite proud.                   
                                                            
27670 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



Them mind-farts are wonderful boons,                        
Like stinky ripe fluffy balloons.                           
They're fine for this crass art,                            
And just like the ass-fart,                                 
Invisible - 'cept in cartoons.                              
                                                            
27671 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



A movement once rose 'mongst the masses,                    
To travel about with bare asses.                            
At true lovers' parting,                                    
The best form was farting,                                  
With buttocks immersed in molasses.                         
                                                            
27672 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                L0722



I can't smell a thing.  Am I dead?                          
I just can't believe what he said!                          
Not one single fart!                                        
Did Cupid's fleet dart                                      
Hit our H in the heart or the head?                         
                                                            
27673 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



Myself, I'm the quieter kind,                               
Never claiming the odor was mine.                           
But in truth, they have scent                               
(From my personal bent)                                     
That is much like a rose from a vine.                       
                                                            
27674 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Anon                     



I really could not give a hoot                              
If you do or you don't let a poot.                          
Just watch your direction,                                  
Angle of deflection,                                        
So the soot only gets on your suit.                         
                                                            
27675 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Anon                     



Yes, farting's the best of the sports;                      
I love long, echoing, wet reports                           
And the gurgling fine smell                                 
And the range, but I tell                                   
You, I keep getting holes in my shorts.                     
                                                            
27676 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Anon                     



The worst kind of fart, I'll admit,                         
Is instead of gas, you get shit.                            
And it is not funny                                         
When the shit is all runny,                                 
Soaking into the chair where you sit.                       
                                                            
27677 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Anon                     



There was an old monk monasterial,                          
Whose farts were so pure and ethereal,                      
That a panel of judges                                      
Passed wind on the smudges,                                 
And they judged him Olympic material.                       
                                                            
27678 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1219



A flatulent artist named Bart,                              
On canvas, he blew a great fart,                            
Producing a stain                                           
In the outline of Maine,                                    
But the critics opposed, "Is it art?"                       
                                                            
27679 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Cap'n Bean               



The OSHA inspector named Bart                               
A rectum observed, split apart.                             
So he wrote a directive:                                    
"On The Asshole Protective,"                                
Which depicted the shape of a fart.                         
                                                            
27680 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1189



A phoney pop-artist named Hart                              
In a jug kept a large purple fart.                          
He said, "Yes, I did it,                                    
But it ain't right to kid it,                               
Who are you to say it ain't Art?"                           
                                                            
27681 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                G1399



He announced, "I'm the world's greates master;              
At farting there's no greater blaster!"                     
And she caught not a whiff,                                 
Though quite hard she did sniff;                            
She found he had blown it right past her!                   
                                                            
27682 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Jim Weaver Collection    



When the energy cut really starts,                          
Any self-propelled bike beats the charts;                   
There's proof in the files                                  
Of gas for five miles                                       
From a cabbage and eight proper farts.                      
                                                            
27683 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Bill Backe-Hansen   P8402



Beans, the food for the best gas,                           
The air is so warm out your ass,                            
Scenting the room                                           
With sewers in bloom.                                       
I've not met the bean I can't passsssss......               
                                                            
27684 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Karen                    



I once knew a chap called Jon Gearhart,                     
Who could, in strict time, from his rear, fart.             
His guffs, he'd morse-code `em,                             
Like some human modem,                                      
His sphincter-control was just sheer art!                   
                                                            
27685 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



As Jon let rip, I cheered it so!                            
His arse-cheeks can trumpet from "Go!".                     
It's a damn shame, we knew,                                 
He'd each time follow-through,                              
Call: "Oh dear Christ! Curses, man! No!"                    
                                                            
27686 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



I once knew a girl with some class;                         
She only ate grapes in a glass.                             
If the grapes were too tart,                                
She'd then start to fart,                                   
And grape seeds would shoot from her ass!                   
                                                            
27687 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            DJ Ineritia              



A prizewinning tarter, Lacoste,                             
Made a bet that his fart could be tossed                    
Five feet from his sandal,                                  
To extinguish a candle,                                     
But he shit on the candle and lost,                         
                                                            
27688 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Albin Chaplin            



Begged a flatulent husband named Glass,                     
Whose own wife stuffed a bung in his ass,                   
"Please, I'd really much liefer                             
Fart a squib or a weefer,                                   
Than to chance all that buildup of gas."                    
                                                            
27689 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Armand E Singer       182



A clever young fellow named Durbin                          
Invented a novel gas turbine.                               
But the thing would not start                               
Until primed with a fart --                                 
A procedure both foul and disturbin'.                       
                                                            
27690 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Albin Chaplin   3024-2556



Geology of oil and gas:                                     
That was an exciting old class!                             
Stratigraphic trap                                          
And all of that crap;                                       
But, teacher -- How does the gas pass?                      
                                                            
27691 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



A schist-rift cracks open and then                          
The natural gas from within                                 
Blows into the sky,                                         
But dammit all! Hie!                                        
There's no one to light it again!                           
                                                            
27692 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



Well, thanks for the wishes, King Fart.                     
We'll now let the parties all start.                        
And Yule for you means                                      
Some extra baked beans --                                   
Your farting is surely an art.                              
                                                            
27693 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



Farting, it goes without saying,                            
Be it loud yelling and braying,                             
Or a quiet too-toot                                         
From the end of a poot,                                     
Is a must with some swinging and swaying.                   
                                                            
27694 FLATULENCE - EXPERT            Arkeylimepieden          



I cannot tell lies; I'm afraid                              
You've corrupted that innocent maid.                        
Will you teach her to blast a                               
Much vaster fart faster,                                    
And master the tricks of the trade?                         
                                                            
27695 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



A flatulent fellow named Snite                              
At farting was terribly bright.                             
He blended his art,                                         
His belch with his fart,                                    
But the timing was never quite right.                       
                                                            
27696 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                G2509



My fanny's a real work of art                               
'Cause by spreading my legs wide apart,                     
And thrusting my hips                                       
To purse up it's lips,                                      
I can fill it with air and then fart                        
                                                            
27697 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



Colonel H., that wily rapscallion                           
While leading his troops from his stallion,                 
Had won his mens hearts                                     
With a barrage of farts,                                    
That routed the foe's best battalion.                       
                                                            
27698 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



On farting I must make amends;                              
On what does a good fart depend?                            
A silent but odious?                                        
Or a PAAARRP most melodious?                                
Or one that comes out at both ends?                         
                                                            
27699 FLATULENCE - EXPERT                                     



There once was a fellow named Bart                          
Who let a 300 decibel fart.                                 
It toppled some trees,                                      
Put the town on its knees,                                  
And he had to be hauled in a cart.                          
                                                            
27700 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Jim Weaver Collection    



A prostitute living in Queens                               
Had a terrible passion for beans.                           
Her Johns would depart                                      
When she started to fart,                                   
Through a gaping big hole in her jeans.                     
                                                            
27701 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Norma Pain               



Most people do think it is crass                            
To make noisy emissions of gas.                             
They tolerate burps                                         
But condemn the perps,                                      
Who deliver a blast from the ass.                           
                                                            
27702 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



Forgive me dear father, I've sinned;                        
That  curry  I  ate  gave  me  wind;                        
Caused  the  candles  to  lurch                             
As I came through the church,                               
But instead of atoning, I  grinned.                         
                                                            
27703 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



A flatulent floozy named Dinah                              
Said, "No pecker shall prod my vagina!"                     
But, seduced to a screw,                                    
Her arse, when she blew,                                    
Propelled Dinah across Carolina.                            
                                                            
27704 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                             G1377



A lady with fine cheeks was Rootes;                         
Her leotards warded off brutes.                             
She put them on double                                      
And kept out of trouble,                                    
But farted and blew off her boots.                          
                                                            
27705 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Albin Chaplin   3024-1384



On Sunday, the bishop in a lurch,                           
After eating a pound of spoiled perch,                      
Emitted a blast                                             
In the middle of mass,                                      
That blew out all the candles in church!                    
                                                            
27706 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Richard Long             



There once was a very young tart,                           
Who felt that she needed a fart.                            
So she stepped outside                                      
Thinking she'd hide,                                        
And blew over a horse and a cart.                           
                                                            
27707 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Anon                     



A flatulent Cockney named Billy                             
Could fart like a two-year-old filly.                       
He did it so well                                           
That he soon blew to hell,                                  
Every shithouse in old Piccadily.                           
                                                            
27708 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                             G1355



Beans are a hell of a deal;                                 
They're cheap, and they make a great meal.                  
In addition to that,                                        
They won't make you fat,                                    
Though they might blow out your rear seal.                  
                                                            
27709 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



There was an old man from St. Kitts,                        
Who was troubled with galloping shits.                      
One morning at last,                                        
He let loose a blast                                        
That tore his old asshole to bits.                          
                                                            
27710 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                             G1447



A WOWSER I knew from "down under"                           
Was prone to intestinal thunder.                            
Once during the night,                                      
So bad was his plight,                                      
He shattered a brand new "gazunder".  (chamber pot)         
                                                            
27711 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Frank                    



I am glad that your problem is sorted                       
And it's damn good to see you resorted                      
To an old fashioned fart                                    
To take it apart;                                           
Take care, and don't get deported.                          
                                                            
27712 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



I'm eating ten pounds of raw bass,                          
With motor oil, petrol, some grass,                         
And beans a la mode.                                        
I expect to explode,                                        
'Cause I've got a cork up my ass.                           
                                                            
27713 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         H                        



Charlotte was known for her gas,                            
Which on occasion, she'd silently pass.                     
But when she let one rip,                                   
It would shake the whole ship,                              
And knock those nearby on their ass.                        
                                                            
27714 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Stan                     



My sphincter is flaccid and vast.                           
I've ruined its tone with a blast                           
So monstrous and ugly,                                      
What once passed quite snugly,                              
Can now not be pinched when it's cast.                      
                                                            
27715 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



A champion farter named Pete                                
Displayed a most powerful feat:                             
He allowed one to rip,                                      
Before getting a grip,                                      
And it blew him right off the seat!                         
                                                            
27716 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Cap'n Bean          P9912



In Tacoma a girl named Ramona                               
Let a fart with such fetid aroma,                           
That her panties corroded,                                  
Her asshole exploded--                                      
But it won her a Fine Arts diploma.                         
                                                            
27717 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Albin Chaplin 3024  G1440



May I also say this in parting,                             
In order to cure him of farting,                            
Put a match to his rear;                                    
Slip his ass into gear,                                     
Then you can just take him Go-karting.                      
                                                            
27718 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



Now darling, it's time that you noted                       
Your flatulence makes me so bloated.                        
One prick, and l'll blow,                                   
Away I will go,                                             
For gone with the wind, I'd have floated.                   
                                                            
27719 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



There once was a man from Antarctica,                       
Who walked all around and then fartica.                     
One day he was messing                                      
With a lighter, I'm guessing;                               
Now he is missing some male partica.                        
                                                            
27720 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Toolman                  



But don't feed her curry guys, please,                      
It causes intestinal breeze,                                
That when it's released                                     
Causes sheep to be fleeced,                                 
And will knock down a wood full of trees.                   
                                                            
27721 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



Oh baby it would have been good,                            
But pines are a very soft wood.                             
Thought you like an oak,                                    
That'd make me near choke,                                  
Perhaps I just misunderstood.                               
                                                            
27722 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



I thought she was one fartless doll;                        
I spied her in the shower stall.                            
She'd held them all in;                                     
My God, what a din!                                         
The first one knocked paint from the wall!                  
                                                            
27723 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         H Peeper                 



Behold, all you limmers, the art                            
Of standing out proudly, with heart!                        
To loose such a prize,                                      
Olympic in size --                                          
Just sniff that magnificent fart!                           
                                                            
27724 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Marlene Lewis            



I once made burritos and rice                               
So filled with hot peppers and spice,                       
My bunghole caught fire                                     
And burned like a pyre,                                     
And spewed liquid napalm-like sheiss.                       
                                                            
27725 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



My shorts and my pants turned to vapor;                     
My woman screamed like when I rape her.                     
The ceiling and walls                                       
Bore flaming wet balls,                                     
That burned throught the plaster and paper.                 
                                                            
27726 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



I ran from my home into town,                               
Buck naked from shirt-tails on down --                      
A house-razing mower --                                     
A human flame-thrower --                                    
Igniting the world all around.                              
                                                            
27727 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



The wailing of housewives and sirens,                       
The roaring of engines (yes, fire ones)                     
Soon rose to a din --                                       
A soundtrack for sin.                                       
I turned and beheld my environs.                            
                                                            
27728 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



A putrid and smoking black mound,                           
My suburb had burned to the ground.                         
So scorched was my rump,                                    
Most trees were but stump;                                  
Of birdsong, there wasn't a sound.                          
                                                            
27729 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



The streets now, instead of macadam,                        
Appeared as cane syrup gone baddum.                         
Its aggregate smelted,                                      
The alphalt had melted,                                     
So hot was the wind of my flatum.                           
                                                            
27730 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



My swollen eyes, red but agog,                              
Wept tears, as a caustic green fog                          
In banks quite immense,                                     
Began to condense.                                          
The country grew hushed, like a bog.                        
                                                            
27731 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



Although my Penultimate Blast,                              
My pride in the fart soon did pass.                         
As distant dogs wheezed,                                    
I fell to my knees --                                       
The scorched Earth was breathing its last.                  
                                                            
27732 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



When spicing your lunch toward the drastic,                 
Remember my colon gone spastic.                             
Then learn from this sonnet                                 
And hold the Scotch Bonnet,                                 
Lest bunghole erupt pyroclastic.                            
                                                            
27733 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



That south-of-the-border cuisine,                           
Makes one dash like mad to the latrine,                     
Where graffiti are sparse;                                  
Gas from many an arse,                                      
Kills the roaches and coats the walls green.                
                                                            
27734 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Allen Wolverton          



The fireworks last night were a smash,                      
But some of the food was such trash--                       
I passed wind in the dark                                   
Then heard someone remark,                                  
"I heard the NOISE but where's the FLASH?"                  
                                                            
27735 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         John Miller 0055         



'Twas a crusty old sailor named Art,                        
Who let out the world's biggest fart.                       
He tried to restrict her;                                   
It went off the Richter,                                    
And cause the Red Sea to repart.                            
                                                            
27736 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Garold Amadon            



There was a young man from Cape Grace,                      
Who blew a fart out into space.                             
With gravity's attraction                                   
And Einstein's reaction,                                    
It returned and spat shit in his face.                      
                                                            
27737 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Lims For Year - 01       



Nelson, Milhouse, and Bart                                  
Had competition for the loudest fart.                       
Bart did a squeaker,                                        
Milhouse a reeker,                                          
And Nelson blew his trousers apart.                         
                                                            
27738 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Anon                     



There was a young girl from LaPlata,                        
Who was widely renowned as a farter.                        
Her deafening reports                                       
At the Argentine Sports,                                    
Maked her much in demand as a starter.                      
                                                            
27739 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                             L0710



A diet of biscuits and beans                                
Can become an explosive of means.                           
And that may be why                                         
When old cowboys die,                                       
They find only tatters of jeans.                            
                                                            
27740 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young lady from Sale                            
Whose farting would cause a strong gale.                    
But when she had beans                                      
Or a bowl of greens,                                        
It came to ten on beaufort scale.                           
                                                            
27741 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                                  



On the beach, away from the crowd,                          
I farted most painfully loud.                               
It frightened the frail,                                    
Topped the Richter Scale,                                   
And is one fart of which I am proud.                        
                                                            
27742 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Funny Bone               



Reminds me of sexy Elaine                                   
Whose flatulence caused me great pain.                      
Each time that we'd start,                                  
She'd unleash a fart                                        
That blew my nuts clear to my brain.                        
                                                            
27743 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Anon                     



In a restaurant with veteran Pete Murray,                   
He demolished a vindaloo curry!                             
Then came a great roar                                      
That rattle the floor,                                      
And laid waste to vast areas of Surrey.                     
                                                            
27744 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE         Bill Wall                



There was a young fellow from Stroud                        
Who could fart unbelievably loud.                           
When he let go a big 'un,                                   
Dogs were deafened in Wigan,                                
And the windowpanes splintered in Oudh.                     
                                                            
27745 FLATULENCE - EXPLOSIVE                             G2524



Could somebody answer me please?                            
Am I suffering from some rare disease?                      
A foul-smelling gas                                         
Shoots out of my ass                                        
Each time that I cough or I sneeze.                         
                                                            
27746 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Wiley                    



Listen, you silly old fucker;                               
Don't make the air any yucker.                              
If you have to pass                                         
The stench from your ass,                                   
Squeeze your butt-cheeks for more pucker.                   
(also get a better tone - McW)                              
27747 FLATULENCE - FOUL              That Guy                 



Now, Lord knows they can't do so well                       
As us gals for making things smell.                         
We know all those rules                                     
Were made for them fools,                                   
But they'll still probably all go to hell!                  
                                                            
27748 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



In Chicago this weird little lass                           
Kept asparagus stuffed up her ass.                          
Her urine grew thick,                                       
The fumes made her sick;                                    
She died from aspara gas.                                   
                                                            
27749 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Tom Patton          P9803



O'Conner, a wild Irish lass,                                
Had a small problem with gas.                               
When she bent over,                                         
To harvest her clover,                                      
Farts would fly from her ass.                               
                                                            
27750 FLATULENCE - FOUL              C. Broome                



And when this particular odor                               
Reached the White Cliffs of Dover,                          
The news was sent                                           
To the Duke of Kent,                                        
Who then told the troops to go over.                        
                                                            
27751 FLATULENCE - FOUL              C. Broome                



It came as a great surprise,                                
To the soldier awarded the prize;                           
A lad from York,                                            
Whose skill with a cork,                                    
And whose valor no one denies.                              
                                                            
27752 FLATULENCE - FOUL              C. Broome                



He became a hero in Britain,                                
For stopping the smell of her shittin'.                     
A Medal of Honor                                            
For plugging O'Conner,                                      
And a statue for keeping her sittin'.                       
                                                            
27753 FLATULENCE - FOUL              C. Broome                



A flatulent bimbo named Huntz                               
Has garlicky breath that affronts.                          
Whenever she sneezes                                        
The most noxious breezes                                    
Are wafted out both ends at once.                           
                                                            
27754 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Armand E Singer       203



In winter we nestle like spoons,                            
His crotch pressed against my moons.                        
One night from my ass                                       
Passed such fearsome, harsh gas,                            
That I fear he'll be bald til June!                         
                                                            
27755 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



There was a young man of Rangoon,                           
Who farted and filled a balloon.                            
The balloon went so high,                                   
It stuck in the sky,                                        
And stank out the Man in the Moon.                          
(Published 1879)                                            
27756 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  L0734



The Duchess once asked with a wink,                         
"Pray tell me, sir, Why do farts stink?"                    
I quickly replied                                           
With a smile very wide,                                     
"For the benefit of the deaf, I think!"                     
                                                            
27757 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Ali Chingali             



There once was a juicy young tart                           
Who could not compress even in part.                        
If you gave her a poke,                                     
While she gagged or choked,                                 
She'd let out a big smelly fart.                            
                                                            
27758 FLATULENCE - FOUL              The Bird                 



On the throne of repose I did strain                        
But did from excretion refrain.                             
Though the call sure was felt,                              
Only foul air was smelt;                                    
Seems my quarter was spent all in vain.                     
                                                            
27759 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lad named Vito,                           
Who ate way too many burrito,                               
That filled up his ass                                      
With a most pungent gas,                                    
And blew out the back of his speedo.                        
                                                            
27760 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



He reached down and spread his cheeks wide,                 
To let loose the gas trapped inside.                        
The stuff was so hot                                        
And so foul with rot,                                       
It blistered two-thirds of his hide.                        
                                                            
27761 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



I ate frozen yogurt today,                                  
And now there's the devil to pay.                           
With a bad case of gas                                      
Coming out of my ass,                                       
And a smell that could blow you away.                       
                                                            
27762 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Pikelmemister      TP9806



There was an old fellow called Neville;                     
I'm telling you straight, on the level,                     
He'd a gut like a keg,                                      
And one gamey leg,                                          
And his feet smell like farts from the devil.               
                                                            
27763 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Vic                      



A loose-boweled diva named Mott                             
Was already famed as a tot.                                 
But her odorous farts                                       
Cost her too many parts --                                  
Her end was a potter's field plot.                          
                                                            
27764 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Armand E Singer       112



I ate Taco Bell yesterday,                                  
And now I'm afraid I must pay.                              
With plenty of gas,                                         
And a dripping ass,                                         
I hate when I end up this way.                              
                                                            
27765 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Jim Weaver Collection    



She farted a deafening earful                               
And gave me (I guess) a whole rearful,                      
While I'm giving her head.                                  
It invaded the bed                                          
With a pungency horribly fearful.                           
                                                            
27766 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Peter Wilkins            



My first New Year's resolution                              
To add to my Constitution,                                  
The EPA will back                                           
Corking up my crack,                                        
To save us from the air pollution.                          
                                                            
27767 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



An "alte kacker" named Klartz                               
Stinks everyone out with his farts.                         
Posed like "The Thinker,"                                   
He fires off a stinker                                      
To China and more distant parts.                            
                                                            
27768 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  G1408



This morning I got up and farted;                           
Gave a push and my butt cheeks they parted.                 
Then out came a smell                                       
From the bowels of hell.                                    
Making me wish that I'd never started.                      
                                                            
27769 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



When he lets fly a foul crepitation,                        
Gassy Gus must create a sensation.                          
It's worse that just silly --                               
He's been gorging on chili,                                 
In an effort to gas the whole nation.                       
                                                            
27770 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  G1372



She was giving her all to the Pastor                        
With every technique she could master.                      
When the beans in his diet                                  
Refused to keep quiet,                                      
And he let out a blaster and gassed her.                    
                                                            
27771 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Amego               P0108



A flatulent whore name of Mame,                             
Broke wind without feelings of shame.                       
Her farts were so rotten                                    
They were never forgotten,                                  
For she honored each fart with a name.                      
                                                            
27772 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-1215



An old fartsmeller stopped me in Thrace                     
And said, "Please blow a fart in my face."                  
"But my farts," I admitted,                                 
"Are not too well shitted.                                  
Could you wait till I fetch my wife, Grace?"                
                                                            
27773 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin            



There was an old farter named Mel                           
Who claimed that his farts had no smell.                    
The doc checked his ass --                                  
Got a whiff of his gas --                                   
And concluded Mel's nose went to hell.                      
                                                            
27774 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-1218



I must say that I haven't the heart                         
To tell George that he smells like a fart;                  
Or impart to his wife,                                      
Who's the love of his life,                                 
That she's only a silly old tart.                           
                                                            
27775 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



The streets now, instead of macadam,                        
Appeared as cane syrup gone baddum.                         
It's aggregate smelted,                                     
The assfault had melted,                                    
So hot was the wind of my flatum.                           
                                                            
27776 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



There's an ill-fated courtier named Carter,                 
Who's renowned far and wide as a farter.                    
Now he let a whole string                                   
In the face of his king;                                    
He's no longer a Knight of the Garter.                      
                                                            
27777 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Armand E Singer       778



In his lab sat old scientist Schmidt,                       
And a problem reviewed with brows knit.                     
His own fart to his nose                                    
Smelled as sweet as a rose,                                 
While another man's fart smelled like shit.                 
                                                            
27778 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-3009



Spring Farting's an art for the crazy;                      
A pastime for those who are lazy                            
And love to relax,                                          
While mounting attacks                                      
That wilt the new bud and the daisy.                        
                                                            
27779 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



I busted a fairly loud button.                              
'Twas heard between Auckland and Sutton.                    
Lord Asquith revolved,                                      
George Orwell dissolved,                                    
And six hundred sheep are now mutton.                       
                                                            
27780 FLATULENCE - FOUL              H                        



A fart can deter some good lovin' --                        
Can lead on to pushin' and shovin'.                         
But the worst fate I know?                                  
When your partner lets go                                   
And smothers you with a Dutch Oven.                         
                                                            
27781 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Ericka                   



The spectre of flatulence hovers,                           
When making love under the covers.                          
The meeting of parts                                        
Can cause belly-farts,                                      
And give much amusement to lovers.                          
                                                            
27782 FLATULENCE - FOUL              SFA                      



Out on our first date we parted                             
So early, just when it had started.                         
On account of his finger;                                   
I pulled it and...ZINGER.                                   
The old boy, he tilted and farted.                          
                                                            
27783 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



It could have become quite a fetter,                        
If manners I'd learned any better.                          
Perfume couldn't quell it;                                  
Days later I smell it.                                      
Lingering there on my sweater.                              
                                                            
27784 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



There was a young fellow named Mel                          
Who had such a terrible smell,                              
When he walked, you'd see where                             
From the crud which was there,                              
That would hang in the air for a spell.                     
                                                            
27785 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-1217



I fart at her house like a clown.                           
My neighbor freaks out and breaks down.                     
Her plants are all wilted.                                  
Her trees are quite tilted.                                 
Her south wall's a shade of light brown.                    
                                                            
27786 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



Farts are, for sure, my best feature.                       
They were hated by every teacher.                           
I'd let them in school.                                     
They'd smell like the stool                                 
Of some long-dead, hole-dwelling creature!                  
                                                            
27787 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Gearhart                 



An unhappy young filly from Vassar                          
Has a terrible rep as a gasser.                             
She knows what it means                                     
When she fills up on beans,                                 
But she'll never let pork-&-beans pass 'er.                 
                                                            
27788 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  G1477



There once was a man from Bombay,                           
Who ate gallons of beans every day.                         
He farted so loud,                                          
He attracted a crowd,                                       
But the smell made them all run away.                       
                                                            
27789 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



There was a young man from Stainus,                         
Who emitted an odor quite heinous.                          
As people passed by,                                        
Many started to cry;                                        
Turns out there's a leak in his anus.                       
                                                            
27790 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Anon                     



My wife calls a loud fart, a poot;                          
To me it comes from the same chute;                         
Odoriferous gasses,                                         
Emanate from folks asses,                                   
We argue, but the point is just moot.                       
                                                            
27791 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



A tip that my father imparted,                              
Before he was dearly departed:                              
To avoid smelling stench                                    
While you sit on a bench,                                   
Move away if your seat mate has farted.                     
                                                            
27792 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



"My Lord," said the wench to her master,                    
"I'm floored by the stench of your ass, sir!                
You've promoted the fart                                    
Into museum art!                                            
It's adored!" said the wench. So he gassed her.             
                                                            
27793 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Younger Brother          



The thought of the muscular power                           
That you use as propellant, my flower,                      
Has me strangely delighted --                               
Nay, stiffly excited --                                     
Nay, seconds away from a shower.                            
                                                            
27794 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



While pretending to read some Voltaire,                     
Strange noises emerged from my chair.                       
Then George Bernard Shaw                                    
Said "I'll open the door.                                   
Thank God for a breath of fresh air!"                       
                                                            
27795 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Bill Wall                



From the fart that was let by McNair,                       
The doc was left gasping for air.                           
Between panting and wheezes                                 
Said the doctor, "By Jesus,                                 
We must send you to heavy repair."                          
                                                            
27796 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-1216



I held back my shit for a week,                             
Then cut me a slathering freak.                             
That glorious flatus;                                       
That cheesy mutatus!                                        
The neighbors now frown and don't speak.                    
                                                            
27797 FLATULENCE - FOUL              H Welchel                



I've got a roomie named Scott,                              
Who delights in farting a lot.                              
His asshole will pour                                       
His worst earthly spore;                                    
And nice fresh air, we haven't got.                         
                                                            
27798 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Rickless                 



'Tis better to fart in great shame,                         
Than to bust a gut and go lame.                             
So I pretend not to care                                    
About the foul air,                                         
But decline sixty-nine just the same.                       
                                                            
27799 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



There once was a pretty young lass                          
Who loved onions but filled up with gas.                    
Her boyfriend said, "Flo,                                   
I love you, you know,                                       
But I cannot get near you, alas!"                           
                                                            
27800 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Helen Dowd               



Odette, nationality French,                                 
Was quite a remarkable wench.                               
She excelled at the art                                     
Of stifling a fart,                                         
But never could manage the stench.                          
                                                            
27801 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  G1388



That pungent aroma you smell.                               
That lingers around for a spell                             
That odiferous gas                                          
That comes from my ass,                                     
I think is decidedly swell.                                 
                                                            
27802 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



A young Kashmir girl (Hindu Kush)                           
Stripped off naked and wiggled her tush                     
In my face, touched her toes,                               
Spread her pretty pink rose-                                
Colored pussy-lips wide and said, "Push!"                   
                                                            
27803 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



Excitedly standing behind,                                  
I started the old bump and grind;                           
But she farted a rearful                                    
Of vapour so fearful,                                       
I nearly went out of my mind.                               
                                                            
27804 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



The smell was so foul and so rotten,                        
It disintegrated clothes made of cotton.                    
And melted all plastic,                                     
Plus all the elastic                                        
Of panties and bras girls have got on.                      
                                                            
27805 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



'Twas a foul-smelling Vindaloo pong,                        
Indescribably acrid and strong.                             
It eroded my nose                                           
But the worst of my woes                                    
Was its gruesome effect on my dong.                         
                                                            
27806 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



It shrunk and then withered away,                           
Turning purple and yellow and gray;                         
And it stayed in that state                                 
Until Jan '98                                               
When I entered this lim-verse affray.                       
                                                            
27807 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



And now it's quite healthy and pink                         
And stands stiff as a ram-rod. I think                      
I'm addicted to A.                                          
J. L. girlies, I say;                                       
Is this normal or is it a kink?                             
                                                            
27808 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



Good grief! What's that horrible pong?                      
It's so (whew!) suffocatingly strong!                       
Like old cabbage and rotten                                 
Old socks I've forgotten;                                   
Have I been unconscious for long?                           
                                                            
27809 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



In future, dear Pet, 'fore you start,                       
Whisper kindly, "I'm just gonna fart."                      
Then I won't be caught napping;                             
I'll help with the flapping,                                
While you hold your bumcheeks apart.                        
                                                            
27810 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



It could be the beans, I suppose,                           
Or the cabbage, that stings our nose.                       
Or those two quarts of beer?                                
But I must make it clear --                                 
Normally, they smell like a rose.                           
                                                            
27811 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



When the bride let a terrible fart,                         
The bridegroom jumped back with a start.                    
He said the profusion                                       
Of this fetid effusion                                      
Was fouler than yesterday's tart.                           
                                                            
27812 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-1201



I think in the end I will loose                             
But for now I'll just tighten the screws                    
Of my thinking hat,                                         
Till I fall on my prat                                      
And pumpern to hear your peeyoos                            
                                                            
27813 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



In Boston, for just millionaires,                           
Society gathered in pairs.                                  
For their finest cuisines                                   
They served Boston Baked Beans,                             
And how they all do put on airs.                            
                                                            
27814 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-2706



I think I'll be the first to start                          
To cherish and treasure as art,                             
The parting of cheeks,                                      
The putrid reeks,                                           
As the world is blessed with a fart.                        
                                                            
27815 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



Everyone's looking askance;                                 
They think that I just shit my pants.                       
But I just let a winner                                     
The result of my dinner,                                    
Some really quite rank flatulence.                          
                                                            
27816 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



There once was a woman named Gladys,                        
Who had lots of excessive flatus.                           
She'd not use legumes,                                      
And reduced her fumes,                                      
Thus preserving her smell apparatus.                        
                                                            
27817 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Wanda M Kowanetz         



That sulfurous gelatinous goo,                              
From my anal sphincter I spew,                              
Repulses and smothers;                                      
Convulses some others,                                      
And I find I'm liking it, too!                              
                                                            
27818 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



He did part with such loud stinking farts                   
As to give folks a regular start.                           
To know him was danger;                                     
He could only meet strangers,                               
But soon they would also depart.                            
                                                            
27819 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



There was a young man, a true swell,                        
Who played with his prick till he fell.                     
When to get up he started,                                  
He suddenly farted,                                         
And fell down again from the smell.                         
                                                            
27820 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  L1490



A keen-nosed dean of Tacoma,                                
Was awarded a special diploma,                              
For his telling apart,                                      
A masculine fart                                            
From a similiar female aroma.                               
                                                            
27821 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  L0754



I once had a girl named Delores,                            
Who knew every word in the thesaurus.                       
I said, "If you're smart,                                   
Then suck on this fart."                                    
Then she bolted, and spewed a great chorus.                 
                                                            
27822 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Jim Weaver Collection    



I make pizza with garlic dough;                             
It sets off my farter, you know.                            
My poor woman cries                                         
With tears in her eyes;                                     
Either me or the smell's gotta go!                          
                                                            
27823 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Dave Jersey              



Nicole is so young and so new                               
With innocence granted to few.                              
Her smile is so sweet,                                      
She has ticklish feet,                                      
But the middle creates such a "PHEW!"                       
                                                            
27824 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



Jimmy Carter exclaimed, "Deja Vu...                         
When in England I used the Queen's loo,                     
And let a loud fart                                         
Which wasn't too smart;                                     
In Plains they stick around like glue."                     
                                                            
27825 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Harry Rubin         P9309



When H passes gas in the night,                             
It costs money to set things aright.                        
The aroma exuded                                            
Is so badly polluted,                                       
He's an EPA Superfund site!                                 
                                                            
27826 FLATULENCE - FOUL              MrMalo                   



Tom, Tom, the piper's son,                                  
Let loose a fart, and away he run.                          
But Tom fell in                                             
An old shit bin,                                            
And ever since then, Tom stinks like sin!                   
                                                            
27827 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  L0739



There once was a man from Queens;                           
He ate simply nothing but beans.                            
His flatulent behavior                                      
Chased off all his neighbors,                               
And turned all his white curtains green.                    
                                                            
27828 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Gearhart                 



There was a young man named Dan                             
Whose emissions permeated the van.                          
Said his friends on the bus,                                
With a terrible fuss,                                       
We think we should buy you a fan.                           
                                                            
27829 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Anon                     



The B.O. that most people get                               
Are layers and layers of sweat.                             
Or, minimum tissue                                          
Effacing the issue.                                         
Or wind that is untimely let.                               
                                                            
27830 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Jim Weaver Collection    



Quite wisely, I thought I'd prepare                         
For terror that's spread through the air;                   
So, doing as taught,                                        
I went out and bought                                       
A gas mask, in order to wear.                               
                                                            
27831 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Travis Brasell           



Last night, when I pleasured young Mandy,                   
She let out a fart; 'twas a dandy!                          
But in that foul terror,                                    
I made no grave error;                                      
That gas mask I bought came in handy.                       
                                                            
27832 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Travis Brasell           



If you need any help with that mask,                        
Rest assured, I am up to the task.                          
Been trained for Hazmat,                                    
Readied for combat                                          
Against all foul gasses, just ask.                          
                                                            
27833 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Carol                    



So well he's been fed, heart of hearts;                     
At bedtime, you'll pay for your arts;                       
Between those cool sheets,                                  
You'll hear no bird's tweets,                               
Just a chorus of loud, stinky farts!                        
                                                            
27834 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                       



An attorney who practiced at law,                           
Wed a bright, cultured girl with one flaw:                  
She farted so foul,                                         
He'd let out a yowl--                                       
Though asleep, he would rush out the daw!  (door)           
                                                            
27835 FLATULENCE - FOUL                                  G1409



There was a smart fellow named Retwun                       
Who laughed a big laugh as he let one.                      
Then he smiled at the blast                                 
But his smile did not last,                                 
For the fart that he let was a wet one.                     
                                                            
27836 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Albin Chaplin   3024-1227



The poetic farts, though not great,                         
Have stunk up these pages of late.                          
The atmosphere's foul;                                      
No rhymes make me howl.                                     
I wonder what some of you ate.                              
                                                            
27837 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Frank Spectra            



That hot-headed maitre d', Paul,                            
Was charged with inciting a brawl;                          
The donnybrook started                                      
When somebody farted,                                       
And stank up the whole banquet hall.                        
                                                            
27838 FLATULENCE - FOUL              Armand E Singer       616



While teaching H. P. Lovecraft in class,                    
I developed some demonic gas.                               
From the lecture I ran,                                     
Barely got to the can,                                      
When Cthulhu shot out of my ass!                            
                                                            
27839 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Trainman                 



You've heard of those days Carboniferous                    
When dinosaur farts were splendiferous;                     
Fermented en masse,                                         
Their expulsions of gas                                     
Were exceedingly hot and vociferous.                        
                                                            
27840 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Peter Wilkins            



What they found in a fossil's esophagus,                    
Proved that dinosaurs, sometimes sarcophagous,              
Nourished many new species                                  
That florished on feces,                                    
Enjoyed with a grin called coprophagous.                    
                                                            
27841 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Travis Brasell           



Coprophagous grins, from pubescency,                        
Were found with such high effervescency,                    
By arthopods eating                                         
The meals that were heating                                 
In 'Dinosaur Delicatessen,' see?                            
                                                            
27842 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Travis Brasell           



My girl, as we snuggled in bed,                             
Sniffed at the air and then said,                           
"If that's not your dog,                                    
Farting boggy green fog...                                  
I fear that we never can wed..."                            
                                                            
27843 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL                              



Lisa looked up from the floor,                              
That Dobie whom I did adore;                                
I gave her a wink                                           
She let out a stink                                         
That drove the girl straight out the door.                  
                                                            
27844 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL                              



My dog used to laugh when he'd poot;                        
He thought it was such a big hoot.                          
He'd stink up the area                                      
With aromatic aria;                                         
That silly and smelly old brute.                            
                                                            
27845 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Karen                    



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
Like to eat lots of beans.                                  
This caused him to fart,                                    
And his dog to bark;                                        
To the cleaners, he took all his jeans.                     
                                                            
27846 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Ferrisfur          TP9807



If ever we've unwelcome guests,                             
To clear them, my dog does his best.                        
His anal aroma                                              
Soon sends them off home, a                                 
Nice boon, when suffering pests.                            
                                                            
27847 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL                              



"Oh my!" saId Mary with a start,                            
As her cute little lamb let a fart.                         
"Not another sprout                                         
If that's what comes out.                                   
I'll rename you for Simpson called Bart!"                   
                                                            
27848 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Funny Bone               



EPA said those greenhouse gasses                            
Are from Australian Dingoes' asses.                         
Their farts from down under                                 
Rip the ozone asunder,                                      
Must be where Balto's big ass is!                           
                                                            
27849 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL                              



The pub owner's dog let two farts;                          
The first fibrillated our hearts.                           
The next killed the rats,                                   
And three nearby bats,                                      
And melted the flights on my darts.                         
                                                            
27850 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL                              



A St. Bernard once passed a gas                             
So potently foul, it harassed                               
All hikers for miles.                                       
But soon they bore smiles --                                
It melted the snow from the pass.                           
                                                            
27851 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL                              



The arcane mellifluous art                                  
Of teaching a bed bug to fart                               
Is practiced in France                                      
To augment romance.                                         
It sounds like a giggling young tart.                       
                                                            
27852 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     H Whelchel               



I cannot envision the scene                                 
With a herd of cows, both fat and lean,                     
All farting as one                                          
In the afternoon sun.                                       
Dit they all eat the very same bean?                        
                                                            
27853 FLATULENCE - FOUL - ANIMAL     Liam na Beag             



There was a young lady of Butte                             
Who thought that her fart was so cute,                      
But a man in despair                                        
Was left gasping for air,                                   
For a week after sniffing the brute.                        
                                                            
27854 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Albin Chaplin   3024-1192



At a flatulence contest in Butte,                           
One lady's exertion was cute.                               
It won the diploma                                          
For fetid aroma,                                            
  d three judges were felled by the brute.                  
                                                            
27855 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Albin Chaplin 3024  G1363



The contest for farting at Brelle,                          
Was won by a lady named Nell.                               
She won the diploma                                         
For foul aroma,                                             
When two judges died from the smell.                        
                                                            
27856 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



Is there anything quite so tart,                            
As a freshly-emitted blue fart.                             
The pungent aroma                                           
Puts me in a coma.                                          
You'll steer your way clear if you're smart.                
                                                            
27857 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Erica                    



It's been said that old Buford Smedley                      
Can fart a melodious medley                                 
In the elevator,                                            
And two hours later,                                        
The aftereffects are still deadly.                          
                                                            
27858 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Observer                 



I understand just how you're feeling.                       
The insects are thick on the ceiling.                       
Let me give them a taste                                    
Of my gaseous waste!                                        
To their deaths they all will be reeling!                   
                                                            
27859 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Jim Weaver Collection    



A nympho named Rose had no class                            
As during the act she'd pass gas.                           
She would sleep with Marines                                
After boiled eggs and beans,                                
Then into a coma they'd pass.                               
                                                            
27860 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Barbara Cunningham  P9603



As the queen's coronation got started,                      
While stooping to kneel the queen farted.                   
Her Minister of Interior                                    
Who was nearest her posterior,                              
Is now with the dearly departed.                            
                                                            
27861 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



There once was a typist named Cliff,                        
Who offered his workmates a whiff                           
Of his rarified art:                                        
The death-dealing fart,                                     
But he died from his own careless sniff.                    
                                                            
27862 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Jim Weaver Collection    



"Goodbye then," said Janine and started                     
To sob as her husband departed;                             
While breathing his last,                                   
In the gas that she passed,                                 
When she sat on his face and then farted.                   
                                                            
27863 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Peter Wilkins            



'Tis the vengance of Madame Le Geeze;                       
She offed him by cutting the cheese.                        
'Twas the one way to cure                                   
Her philandering Monsieur                                   
From bringing home social disease!                          
                                                            
27864 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Allen Wolverton          



My wife was scratching her ass                              
With a blade or two of some grass.                          
She let out a fart                                          
Which wasn't too smart,                                     
And killed our poor dog from the gas!                       
                                                            
27865 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Beatle                   



There in the arena stood Spartacus,                         
With lions who'd tear him apartacus.                        
His gas emanation                                           
Caused such consternation,                                  
He poisoned those beasts with one fartacus.                 
                                                            
27866 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Tiddy Ogg                



Now that does explain the old riddle                        
About the night Nero did fiddle,                            
Until the games were adjourned,                             
And all of Rome burned,                                     
Spartacus laughed his ass off in the middle.                
                                                            
27867 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     John Henry               



The beauty put on a nice fur,                               
And went out watched by everyone, Sir.                      
She arrived at his door                                     
He was shocked, but before                                  
Saw a lady as this whore purr.                              
                                                            
27868 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



Anyway she got to his place,                                
Undressed and then sat on his face.                         
At the Y you know,                                          
The BIG BOMB was let to go,                                 
And killed the poor guy in his place.                       
                                                            
27869 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



A passionate priest in Peru                                 
Tried to pin a poor nun in a pew.                           
But the virginal lass                                       
Passed such ungodly gas,                                    
That the priest passed out with a "phew!"                   
                                                            
27870 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow from Soma                           
Who emitted a noxious aroma.                                
For some it caused wheezing,                                
For others just sneezing--                                  
But some it put into a coma!                                
                                                            
27871 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Paul Lusch          P9405



I came to my senses with a start;                           
Jolted by a thunderous fart;                                
But the cushion was foam,                                   
Muffled all of the drone,                                   
But the smell went right off the chart.                     
                                                            
27872 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



I've always admired thunderation;                           
But rather prefer reverberation;                            
A wood seat in a room,                                      
Creates a nice sonic boom,                                  
And I grin at the loud condemnation.                        
                                                            
27873 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



Onward to the subject of tone;                              
Perhaps a term best left alone;                             
Tried to tune a fart,                                       
Realized, (not too smart),                                  
Because I damned near burned down my home.                  
                                                            
27874 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



I'll warn you, so you can get ready;                        
Here it comes now, slow and steady.                         
"Here comes what?" -- you say?                              
Plunk!  On the ground you lay;                              
My farts are silent but deadly.  (SBD)                      
                                                            
27875 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



There was a young bugger named Art                          
Who let a most poisonous fart;                              
He collected the spend                                      
Of an intimate friend                                       
From the cunt of a twopenny tart.                           
                                                            
27876 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     A. Crowley          G2456



As we move to next topic -- Ozone,                          
I'll tell you I knew an old crone                           
Who farted so bad                                           
In her home, that a lad                                     
A gas mask to wear, must be prone.                          
                                                            
27877 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY     Nik Zyntskyy             



Misfortune, this new central air --                         
It gave all my guests a good scare.                         
My farts were all trapped --                                
Their t-cells got zapped.                                   
'Twas mightier than Legionnaire.                            
                                                            
27878 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



The only cure that I could think of                         
Was burning that poisonous stink off.                       
But when I went thence                                      
To light some incense,                                      
The fire brought to death, us the brink of.                 
                                                            
27879 FLATULENCE - FOUL - DEADLY                              



If you must accept recognition                              
For a smelly methane emission                               
That explodes from the chute                                
Or is silently mute,                                        
Then first add a spark of ignition.                         
                                                            
27880 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Goin2later               



There once was a girl from Rangoon                          
Who lit off a fart with a spoon!                            
The backflash was rough --                                  
It blew out some stuff.                                     
Her panties appeared pantaloon.                             
                                                            
27881 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



A tart who sold tarts from a cart                           
Blew farts that came straight from the heart.               
Wise-ass Bart, upstart prick,                               
Started flicking his Bic,                                   
And a tart fart blew smart Bart apart.                      
                                                            
27882 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



A fart-burning scheme we did hatch;                         
Using beans, plus a broccoli patch.                         
Good old Norm scarfed them down;                            
Pretty soon, this old clown                                 
Let a blast that just blew out the match!                   
                                                            
27883 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Allen Wolverton          



Old Albert stuck vents up his ass                           
To relieve constipation; the gas                            
Thus released, was ignited                                  
By sparks; sure he shited,                                  
But now all his windows lack glass.                         
                                                            
27884 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Tiddy Ogg                



Oh sorrow and grief and heart achin',                       
It seems I was sadly mistaken.                              
But from what I heard,                                      
(The rumor, the word),                                      
Your farts could make devils awaken.                        
                                                            
27885 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



And being that farts are made of                            
Gas -- methane, some shit that is tough --                  
I thought that if I                                         
Would make the world fry,                                   
A single match would be enough.                             
                                                            
27886 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



But I guess I estimated your fart                           
To be too high on the chart;                                
For that I am sorry;                                        
Could fill up a lorry                                       
With the sadness that roams in my heart.                    
                                                            
27887 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



The lighting of farts with a Bic                            
Can be a real dangerous trick.                              
For just as I feared,                                       
I've torched my bum-beard,                                  
And singed all the hairs 'round my dick.                    
                                                            
27888 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Kim                      



My husband takes pride in his gas;                          
Day and night, it flys out of his ass.                      
Yesterday, in the yard,                                     
he blew it out so hard                                      
That he burned up an acre of grass.                         
                                                            
27889 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



An acre of grass?  Would I lie?                             
Hell, we're lucky we didn't all die.                        
Gasoline's what he drank,                                   
Sucked it right from the tank!                              
Then bent over, and kissed his ass bye!                     
                                                            
27890 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



A FLATULENT fellow named Jim                                
Had a future with women quite grim,                         
'Cause chili and beans                                      
Set fire to his jeans:                                      
He burned his britches behind him.                          
                                                            
27891 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Observer                 



There was a young woman named Charlotte,                    
Who ate peppers, and chili, and rot --                      
When she tried to pass gas,                                 
The flames burned her ass,                                  
And she blew herself right off the pot!                     
                                                            
27892 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Kaylin                   



A fireman who called himself Bates,                         
Would light off the farts of his mates.                     
But partial combustion                                      
Had this repercussion:                                      
A flashback lit hair and burned pates.                      
                                                            
27893 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H                        



The world record fart-blast of yore                         
Was lit by an old Bowery whore.                             
The foul conflagration?                                     
No world devastation.                                       
Just two city blocks, nothing more.                         
                                                            
27894 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



All Blue Flame Club members beware                          
Of the danger that your hobby bears.                        
If you light a big gust,                                    
You may end up as dust                                      
When the blast takes down your whole lair.                  
                                                            
27895 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Azul                     



Not to mention crisping your hair                           
Or giving your spouse a scare.                              
It's a dangerous art,                                       
This lighting of farts,                                     
So please proceed with care.                                
                                                            
27896 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



Lighting an anal fart                                       
Is a skill that requires much art.                          
If you create an explosion                                  
With too much erosion,                                      
Then your bottom and top then will part.                    
                                                            
27897 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



A dog I once had farted hearty                              
Enough he could break up a party.                           
He'd gas up the room,                                       
Light a match and kaBOOM.                                   
He thought he was a big smarty                              
                                                            
27898 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



Two morons got high on jet fuel.                            
Next day when they tried to pass stool,                     
Both of them farted,                                        
Then quickly departed                                       
And landed in old Istanbul.                                 
                                                            
27899 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           OgniGioia                



With grief I'm not terribly filled,                         
For those queers who were much more than thrilled           
By a high-octane fart.                                      
But here's the sad part:                                    
The poor little gerbil was killed!                          
                                                            
27900 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           John Miller              



Those fellows were very inventive;                          
The wild furry feel was incentive.                          
For thrills, which they crave,                              
It most certainly gave                                      
New meaning to 'anal retentive'.                            
                                                            
27901 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Frank Fazed              



Those four little kids from South Park                      
Like it when Cartman farts.                                 
Flames and gas                                              
Shoot from his ass,                                         
And Kenny ignites from the sparks.                          
                                                            
27902 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H WHELCHEL               



With his gerbil stuffed deep up his ass,                    
Poor Bruce felt that he must pass some gas;                 
With a flic of his bic,                                     
Roomate Tom was just sick                                   
At the flaming hairball that Bruce passed!                  
                                                            
27903 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



"Good Heavens!" said Anne to her man;                       
"So you've listened and proved that you can                 
Put the toilet seat down."                                  
Muttered he with a frown,                                   
"Guess it's only a flash in the pan."                       
                                                            
27904 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Peter Wilkins            



An old Cajun cook, name of Fass,                            
Would spice up his gumbo with gas.                          
He'd hoist it and split it,                                 
But once the stove lit it                                   
And rendered some fat from his ass.                         
                                                            
27905 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



When well queezed the man-fat just drips                    
In globules from off of the tips                            
Of old Fass's piles;                                        
At each cupful he smiles                                    
As it joins with the fat cooking chips.                     
                                                            
27906 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



My dear, where are you, sweetheart?                         
I surely could use a hot fart,                              
Right beneath the sheet                                     
To provide us some heat --                                  
My furnace has fallen apart!                                
                                                            
27907 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Marty                    



My house is a ramblin' wreck;                               
The bills are a pain in the neck.                           
When it does fall down,                                     
Hope that I'm out of town.                                  
Insurers can mail me the cheque!                            
                                                            
27908 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Marty                    



You'll have to ask about the scent --                       
Like when all through the night they've been pent.          
But hydrogen gas                                            
Expelled from my ass,                                       
When lit, burns the stench at the vent.                     
                                                            
27909 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Welchel                



Let sheets form a tent, tall and tight.                     
We'll make us some natural gaslight.                        
The powers shut off,                                        
But who gives a boff?                                       
The warm glow of farts fills the night.                     
                                                            
27910 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Welchel                



Did you know your flame-thrower might                       
Cause our tent of sheets to ignite?                         
The house has burned down;                                  
Let's go into town                                          
And get a motel for the night.                              
                                                            
27911 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Marlene                  



Now I think I'll need a sweater;                            
H was such a go-getter;                                     
His farts burned too hot                                    
(But what a sex-pot!)                                       
Won't do it again, I know better.                           
                                                            
27912 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Marlene                  



Sometimes we have to get burned,                            
Before some little lesson is learned.                       
What we've learned here tonight                             
Is not to ignite,                                           
Those gasses which H has returned!                          
                                                            
27913 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Kaylin                   



I'll take off the asbestos glove                            
'Cause push has somehow come to shove!                      
All those who would thwart                                  
A romantic fart,                                            
Will never know the burn of True Love!                      
                                                            
27914 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Welchel                



True Love? I know it quite well --                          
I know of love's sight, sound, and smell;                   
Don't care what you say --                                  
Romantic?  NO WAY!                                          
Farts under the covers are hell!                            
                                                            
27915 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Jayne                    



A partner without any heart,                                
Will give you no warning, then start                        
To fart under the covers,                                   
No longer sweet lovers?                                     
He'll spit in the air and then fart..                       
                                                            
27916 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Jayne                    



Now let me be clear as a bell;                              
I don't like that skanky tent-smell.                        
I just like to flame                                        
The ass of a dame.                                          
She's welcome to blow me as well.                           
                                                            
27917 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Welchel                



I once made a movie of sorts                                
With five lovely lady cohorts.                              
We strained all at once,                                    
And singed a few cunts.                                     
By God, they were jolly good sports!                        
                                                            
27918 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H WHELCHEL               



They taught me in chemistry class,                          
That methane and hydrogen gas                               
Both burn a light blue.                                     
So if this is true,                                         
Telling which is a pain in the ass.                         
                                                            
27919 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           John Miller              



I know know it just may be true,                            
That hydrogen burns baby blue.                              
I'll refute my lass                                         
And french-fry her ass,                                     
If blue flames are all I can spew.                          
                                                            
27920 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H WHELCHEL               



Perhaps it's a matter of diet,                              
That yellow incited this riot.                              
Some chloride salt                                          
Is probably at fault;                                       
Nothing to do now but try it.                               
                                                            
27921 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H WHELCHEL               



Glory to farts and to men!                                  
I'm blasting out orange ones again!                         
Perhaps it's the hue                                        
Of port barbecue,                                           
Or maybe that half pint of gin!                             
                                                            
27922 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Whelchel               



If you wish to ignite your own gas,                         
In a mud-bath, immerse your old ass;                        
Bubbles slowly ascend;                                      
Give you time 'nuff to bend                                 
Down to light up swamp fireballs with class!                
                                                            
27923 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



While soaking away yardwork's pain                          
(A hot tub's what helps me maintain)                        
I pinched off a blast --                                    
My mate was aghast!                                         
So I went and did it again!                                 
                                                            
27924 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



I reached for the lighter (propane),                        
For I could no longer contain                               
A dreadful big blast.                                       
With rumbles it passed,                                     
But fire on the water don't stain....                       
                                                            
27925 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



There once was a nasty buffoon,                             
Who farted into a balloon.                                  
He tied it all off                                          
And set it aloft.                                           
He shot it and it went BAROOM!                              
                                                            
27926 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H WHELCHEL               



When the blackout undoubtedly starts,                       
I will summon two corpulent tarts;                          
Feed them cabbage and leeks                                 
Till the atmosphere reeks,                                  
And contentedly light all their farts.                      
                                                            
27927 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Don Moore           P0105



A flatulent fellow named Crane                              
Who stood too close to a flame;                             
His shirt went KABOOM!                                      
As he ran 'round the room,                                  
Then jumped in a sewerage drain.                            
                                                            
27928 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Helen Dowd               



When you are chock full of beans,                           
And ready to flick whilst you leans,                        
Position your Bic                                           
Away from your dick,                                        
And keep on your shorts and your jeans.                     
                                                            
27929 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Whelchel               



A curious fellow named Blatch                               
Tried igniting his fart with a match.                       
His cock got blown off,                                     
But the blast left a trough                                 
He was able to use as a snatch.                             
                                                            
27930 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Lims For Year - 01       



Methane doth make the heat blow,                            
While hydrogen adds an orange glow.                         
And esters of rot                                           
Add stench quite a lot --                                   
Lighting one gives quite a show.                            
                                                            
27931 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H WHELCHEL               



Be you Anglo or Negro or Jewish,                            
Most farts burn decidedly bluish.                           
And if lit at the source,                                   
Burns your asshole, of course,                              
Which can make you decidedly shrewish.                      
                                                            
27932 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           John Miller              



You think I can't fart with the best?                       
Come on and put me to the test.                             
I'll tell lots of lies                                      
And light up the skies;                                     
We'll have us an auto-fart fest                             
                                                            
27933 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



Nothing is sweet as the art                                 
Of burning the gas of a fart.                               
The crimsons! The yellows!                                  
The laughter of fellows!                                    
Be still my felicitous heart!                               
                                                            
27934 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Whelchel               



"Farting well's not a light task," says U.                  
"It is if you know what to do;                              
You simply take aim                                         
At a spark or a flame;                                      
You can fart and make light of it too!"                     
                                                            
27935 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Anon                     



I once knew a buck naked lass,                              
Who said, "Hydrogen's fartdom's main gas."                  
She swung from the door hinge                               
While burning them orange,                                  
Chromatograph wired to her ass.                             
                                                            
27936 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           John York                



Said a hairless young fellow named Carter,                  
Who today is a little bit smarter,                          
"Don't light up your smoke                                  
Behind that old bloke                                       
Who is known as the 'Methane Gas Farter'."                  
                                                            
27937 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



Each time that I parp in my shorts,                         
I could fill and send you two quarts                        
Of bottled bum fumes                                        
Till your gas-plant resumes.                                
How much would you pay for it, sports?                      
                                                            
27938 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



A biology student named Cass                                
Dared to light off a flatus in class.                       
As the flames sputtered out                                 
She exclaimed with a shout,                                 
"Oh professor, you say I won't pass?"                       
                                                            
27939 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



He passed her right out of her class,                       
On finding her internal gas                                 
Explosive and bad.                                          
(Right after he had                                         
Explored with his willie, her ass.)                         
                                                            
27940 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



You've left on the oven a bit;                              
The odor alerts you to it.                                  
A safety concern,                                           
The stink's meant to burn.                                  
It's clear that farts, too, should be lit.                  
                                                            
27941 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Welchel                



Admittedly, there is an art                                 
Of lighting the gas in a fart.                              
To make it BAROOM,                                          
Just fill a balloon.                                        
This will save your sweet underpart.                        
                                                            
27942 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Whelchel               



I had me some chili last night,                             
With limas and corn -- a delight.                           
The SBD fumes   (silent but deadly)                         
Cleared twenty-five rooms;                                  
Thank god I began to ignite.                                
                                                            
27943 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           H Welchel                



A teacher in chemistry class                                
Gave a talk on combustible gas.                             
He scarfed down some beans                                  
And pulled down his jeans,                                  
Then held up a match to his ass.                            
                                                            
27944 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



There once was a man named Dooper,                          
Who one night in a drunken stupor,                          
Put a light to his ass                                      
While releasing his gas,                                    
And shot a flame from his pooper.                           
                                                            
27945 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Jim Weaver Collection    



At parties I've burned lots of gas                          
As blitzed girls, they lighted my ass...                    
All that fuel wasted                                        
While me wholly pasted                                      
If only I'd saved it, alas.                                 
                                                            
27946 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



A fart-lighting hunter named Gleeson,                       
One cold autumn day, for no reason,                         
Polluted the fall air,                                      
Thus singeing some ball hair,                               
Reminding him: ducks were in season.                        
                                                            
27947 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



Just lit me a burner, so loud,                              
It dropped all the jaws in the crowd,                       
Of post-Christmas shoppers                                  
And pre-teeny boppers.                                      
Of this I am nothing but proud.                             
                                                            
27948 FLATULENCE - IGNITED                                    



For new energy Carter is looking,                           
And the best brains in science he's booking.                
They will study their charts                                
To devise richer farts,                                     
As a fuel source for heating and cooking.                   
                                                            
27949 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Albin Chaplin   3024-2167



There was an old bastard named Ted                          
Who smoked and who farted in bed.                           
He went up in flame                                         
From his anal methane;                                      
Nothing left but his ugly old head.                         
                                                            
27950 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           King                     



My brother's name is Martin;                                
His diet makes him keep fartin'.                            
I am sure one night                                         
His ass will ignite,                                        
And from this world he will be departin'.                   
                                                            
27951 FLATULENCE - IGNITED           Funny Bone               



There was a young lady named Nell,                          
Whose panty hose stunk like all hell.                       
For when she passed gas,                                    
It gushed from her ass,                                     
And caused knees and ankles to swell.                       
                                                            
27952 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



There was a young lady named Nell,                          
Whose panties were holey as hell.                           
She complained, "When I fart,                               
My shoes fall apart,                                        
And my ankles occasionally swell."                          
                                                            
27953 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                               G1430



I once knew a lady named Barbie La Fart,                    
Whose consumption of beans was a known work-of-art.         
She tooted all night,                                       
With all of her might,                                      
Till once great fart split her bottom apart.                
                                                            
27954 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



A lovely lass once held a fart                              
So long that it started to smart.                           
It blew out her cunny,                                      
Which wasn't too funny.                                     
The surgeon, though, laughed in his heart.                  
                                                            
27955 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



No! That's not funny! You beast!                            
That gas had expanded like yeast                            
It does not amuse                                           
Since a spark from a fuse                                   
Blew up two interns at least!                               
                                                            
27956 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



That well-bred young debutante Thrush,                      
Said, "Damn it, you lout, will you hush?                    
Undue borborygmus        (stomach rumblings)                
Is one of those stigmas                                     
That ought to make any man blush!"                          
                                                            
27957 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Armand E Singer       426



Her abdomen grew rather tender                              
As the gas pains began to distend her.                      
She gave a great gasp,                                      
When a strained corset clasp                                
Got caught in her feminine gender.                          
(similar to Seven Old Ladies bawdy song - McW)              
27958 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



There was an old fellow named Eric,                         
Whose breath made those near him choleric.                  
He produced a hiatus,                                       
In crowds, with his flatus.                                 
He's a one-man disease, atmospheric.                        
                                                            
27959 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Isaac Asimov             



An insane inventor named Martz                              
Can stop odor from underarm parts.                          
He has pussies de-stunk,                                    
And a potion that's drunk                                   
To impart a high flavor to farts.                           
                                                            
27960 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                               G1425



There was an old shopper in Dallas,                         
Whose doctor practiced with malice.                         
He warned the old gent:                                     
"You eat beans, you'll vent,                                
And your esophagus develop a callus!"                       
                                                            
27961 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



There was a young man named Martin;                         
He was so full of wind, he kept fartin'.                    
Filming his ass in slow-mo',                                
Wouldn't you just know,                                     
His bum cheeks were constantly partin'.                     
                                                            
27962 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           P. Copeman               



There once was a lady who'd sinned,                         
Who said as her abdomen thinned,                            
"By my unsullied honor,                                     
I'm not the madonna!                                        
My baby has gone with the wind."                            
                                                            
27963 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                               L0985



A chemist inventor named Hartz                              
Stopped odors from underarm parts,                          
And he's now on the brink                                   
Of producing a drink,                                       
Which imparts a fine flavor to farts.                       
                                                            
27964 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-1206



At a bar in the Bronx a young monk                          
Drank twenty six beers and was drunk.                       
Then he raped a young lass                                  
And he kept passing gas,                                    
So into a coma she sunk.                                    
                                                            
27965 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Barbara Cunningham  P9506



There once was a man from Koblenz,                          
Who detested a room full of vents.                          
But when he did eat                                         
A meal with no meat,                                        
He died from his own flatulence.                            
                                                            
27966 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old hag named Van Cleef,                       
Who was constantly passing a queef.                         
One day at the farm,                                        
And meaning no harm,                                        
She killed a whole herd of beef.                            
(must have been an SBD - McW)                               
27967 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



A non-smoking student named Hartz                           
Penned a thesis for Doctor of Arts.                         
He proved in his studies                                    
That none of his buddies                                    
Could get cancer from smelling his farts.                   
                                                            
27968 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-2611



A petite housewife named Babette                            
For a week only ate cassoulet.                              
This created a vapor                                        
That peeled the wallpaper,                                  
And scorched the fur off her pet.                           
                                                            
27969 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



Depressed is that costive old Strind;                       
It's almost as if he had sinned;                            
With girls its post partum --                               
With him its post fartum --                                 
The best he can do is break wind.                           
                                                            
27970 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Armand E Singer     P0202



There once was a woman named Kass,                          
Who had such terrible gas;                                  
She grunted and strained,                                   
In such awful pain,                                         
And pried a fart out of her ass!                            
                                                            
27971 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young gal from Burbank.                         
Who had three holes where she stank.                        
One was for fuckin';                                        
One was for fartin'.                                        
The third was for ventin' the tank.                         
                                                            
27972 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL                                    



There was an old person of Iskier,                          
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;                   
He danced hornpipes and jigs,                               
And ate thousands of figs,                                  
Making passing gas riskier and riskier.                     
                                                            
27973 FLATULENCE - MEDICAL           Edwardian Leer 023  P9306



Said a gaseous old laddie named Carter,                     
Well known as a helluva farter:                             
"It's that bad sauerkraut                                   
That I've eaten, no doubt,                                  
So here goes a blast for a starter!"                        
                                                            
27974 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G1366



So glib with his asshole was Carter,                        
No man with his mouth appeared smarter.                     
But what issued ethereal                                    
From that venthole sphinctereal                             
Transcended the Farter From Sparta.                         
                                                            
27975 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Albin Chaplin 3024  G1367



There once was an elf from Bombay;                          
Strange instruments he sometimes would play.                
He once stuck a flute                                       
Right up his cazoot,                                        
And blew tunes all night and all day.                       
                                                            
27976 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Ananya                   



Don Ventouso, a stout troubadour                            
Wrote bad cansos; his singing was poor.                     
But by mastering the art                                    
Of the audible fart,                                        
He was able to book a long tour.                            
                                                            
27977 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



So gently I place my soft hand                              
Just over the head of his gland.                            
Erupting a fart                                             
Quite musically tart,                                       
His butt thinks it is a brass band.                         
                                                            
27978 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



Millennial trick, really fine:                              
Serve piquant bean dip with the wine.                       
When thousand year ends,                                    
Both you and your friends                                   
Peal forth FLATULENT "Auld Lang Syne".                      
                                                            
27979 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Maggie                   



A crepitant cutie named Puckett                             
Loves to fart in B-flat in a bucket.                        
This rare sphincter tune                                    
Get her cheers in Rangoon,                                  
But a fast trip to jail in Nantucket.                       
                                                            
27980 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G1439



There once was a man of Rangoon                             
Who treated each fart as a boon.                            
He'd warm up the house,                                     
Or scare off a mouse,                                       
Or blow a riff on his bassoon.                              
                                                            
27981 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           H                        



This tuneful fart from Rangoon                              
Met an equally flatulent goon.                              
Whose cool thirds and fifths                                
Completed his riffs,                                        
But the smell would wipe out a platoon.                     
                                                            
27982 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Lucy                     



A farter who lived in Rangoon                               
With his asshole could blow a fine tune.                    
He played with perfection                                   
A Mozart selection                                          
By farting the part for bassoon.                            
                                                            
27983 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-1224



There once was a man name of Bart,                          
Who perfected the Beethoven fart.                           
When told "Oh, God, Hell,                                   
It creates such a smell!"                                   
He said "Well that's tough, 'cause it's art!"               
                                                            
27984 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



A gifted musician named Lorne                               
Was jammed in the ass with a horn.                          
He ate beans and started;                                   
The whole night he farted;                                  
And blew taps from midnight till morn.                      
                                                            
27985 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-1213



There once was a chink name of Ming,                        
Who could cover his farts with a sing.                      
He would carry a tune,                                      
Till the frogs would swoon,                                 
Then hop up and blow an o-ring.                             
                                                            
27986 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



A fart is a wonderful thing;                                
One should let go with fervor and zing.                     
One can even blow jazz,                                     
Anal razz-a-ma-tazz,                                        
But I ain't heard one yet that can sing.                    
                                                            
27987 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



Till now, there's been none to aspire                       
To take anal music much higher.                             
So lets give our congratulence                              
To the orchestral flatulence,                               
Of the More Mung Crapper Flapper Choir!                     
                                                            
27988 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



The first "movement" filled the room.                       
The gases began to loom.                                    
The groupies all raved,                                     
But the lighters they waved,                                
Caused the whole venue to go BOOM!                          
                                                            
27989 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



Mr. Sullivan, one of the few                                
Survivors that actually knew                                
The cause of the blast,                                     
And when he was asked;                                      
"Tonight was a really big blew."                            
                                                            
27990 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



A young woman of very large parts,                          
Got her kicks from musical farts.                           
She wrecked the solution                                    
To air pollution                                            
With selections of Brahms and Mozart's.                     
                                                            
27991 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Tom Patton               



While attempting to fart out the tune                       
Of "Everyone's Gone to the Moon",                           
When I hit a C-major,                                       
It set off my pager,                                        
Which lies hidden somewhere in my room.                     
                                                            
27992 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           F Ormatsee               



So I thought I'd transpose it a key                         
But that hasn't worked, woe is me.                          
For on farting D-flat,                                      
I freaked out the cat,                                      
Which then went and puked in my tea!                        
                                                            
27993 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           F Ormatsee               



A musical lady from Bude                                    
During sex could perform a prelude;                         
With organ-pumped air                                       
She had such a flair.                                       
And farted a Chopin Etude.                                  
                                                            
27994 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



That flatulent farter McGee                                 
Was as gassy as humans can be.                              
He delighted his friends                                    
With duets from both ends,                                  
But he goofed on "Oh Promise Me!"                           
                                                            
27995 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G2412



At the court of the Duke of Verona,                         
Two cornetti would sound a canzona,                         
Every time the fair Duke                                    
Had to pass wind or puke.                                   
While he shat, they would play the ciaconna.                
                                                            
27996 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Rangoon,                         
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.                     
When you'd least expect'em,                                 
They'd boom from his rectum,                                
Like the roar of a double bassoon.                          
(With the force of a raging typhoon.)                       
27997 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               L0733



This lady, without any class,                               
Made music come out of her ass.                             
It wasn't enough                                            
Farting lieder and stuff,                                   
But Ave Maria, at Mass?                                     
                                                            
27998 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



Beans, beans, the musical fruit,                            
The more you eat, the more you toot.                        
The more you toot,                                          
The better you feel,                                        
So I eat beans at every meal.                               
(I learned this about 1942 in Woodland, Calif - McW)        
27999 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G1391



There once was a man from Rangoon;                          
From his butt, he could play quite a tune.                  
At the end of each show,                                    
He would really let go                                      
With an exclamatory BARROOOMMMM!!!                          
                                                            
28000 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Gabonese pygmy,                            
Who made music of loud borborygmi.                          
He'd pour out his soul,                                     
With stomach control,                                       
In such ballads as "Eleanor Rigby".                         
                                                            
28001 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



Though the Maestro's contention was that                    
New Wave music was right where it's at,                     
There was strong opposition                                 
To his composition,                                         
"Concerto for Fart in B-flat."                              
                                                            
28002 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           John Miller 0148         



A composer of marches, Gide Pere                            
Lacked a tune with a strong martial air,                    
But a soup full of beans                                    
Soon provided the means,                                    
So he named it his "Fart Militaire."                        
                                                            
28003 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Armand E Singer       592



The fart you should try to extrude,                         
A thing both offensive and rude.                            
It should come from the bum;                                
Like a tune, it should hum;                                 
And the best come from figs that are stewed.                
                                                            
28004 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



A musical fellow from Ayr                                   
Would whistle his favorite aire                             
With his anus, while farting,                               
Leaving listeners darting                                   
For exits and gasping for air.                              
                                                            
28005 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           John Sandler        P9112



There once was a Royal Marine,                              
Who tried to fart "God save the Queen."                     
When he reached the soprano,                                
Out came the guano,                                         
His pants were not fit to be seen.                          
(Published 1879)                                            
28006 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Norman Douglas      L0720



There was a young Royal Marine                              
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".                     
He reached a high note                                      
Which loosened his "throat";                                
Now his pants will be tough to get clean.                   
                                                            
28007 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



There was a young Royal Marine                              
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".                     
He reached a high note,                                     
Heard in regions remote;                                    
(Shit spattered on regions between).                        
                                                            
28008 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



This mean deviation from the mean,                          
He then showed his prick to the Queen.                      
As he pissed on guano                                       
And with vox humana                                         
Said: "Let's  quit all this smoldering scene."              
                                                            
28009 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Pat Halogen              



In bilateral talks with the Palace,                         
He blamed not himself, but old Alice.                       
"My greatest desire,                                        
Was to quench the fire;                                     
I did not make combustible out of malice.                   
                                                            
28010 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Pat Halogen              



There was a young chap from Newcastle,                      
Who could squash himself up like a parcel.                  
And in that position                                        
Would give a rendition,                                     
Of 'God Save the Queen' through his arsell.                 
                                                            
28011 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



There was a young girl from Korea                           
Who like sticking flutes up her rear.                       
After eating escargots                                      
She could fart Handel's "Largo,"                            
And encore with "Ave Maria."                                
                                                            
28012 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G2392



A flatulent nun of Hawaii,                                  
One Easter eve supped on papaya;                            
Then honored the Passover,                                  
By turning her ass over,                                    
And obliging with Handel's Messiah.                         
                                                            
28013 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               L1680



I've read all these limericks symphonic,                    
Regarding this gaseous philharmonic --                      
To my highly trained ear,                                   
It's easy to hear --                                        
You could all use a good high colonic!                      
                                                            
28014 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Kaylin                   



Beg pardon, I do stand corrected,                           
Because I had never inspected                               
Those musical shorts,                                       
From where loud reports                                     
Left everyone, laughter infected.                           
                                                            
28015 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



An exciting young poet named Keats                          
Was renowned for his dare-devil feats.                      
He'd dance and he'd sing                                    
Then fart "God Save The King".                              
He was very well paid for repeats.                          
                                                            
28016 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Bill Wall                



Have you heard of Le Petomaine?                             
To pass normal gas he'd disdain.                            
On the Paris stage                                          
He was all the rage;                                        
No other dared challenge his rein.                          
                                                            
28017 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



He was an exceptionally arty,                               
The life of a number of parties.                            
But never, alas,                                            
Invited to mass,                                            
For he might have farted too hearty.                        
                                                            
28018 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



A flugelhorn player named Bartz                             
Blew notes that resounded like farts;                       
'Twas a passion ingrained,                                  
And a skill he attained                                     
While attending a school for the arts.                      
                                                            
28019 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Cap'n Bean               



There once was a guy with an art                            
For a most peculiar fart.                                   
It was just so long                                         
He called it a song,                                        
And got it in on the chart.                                 
                                                            
28020 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



There was an old kraut from Berlin                          
Whose daughter was ugly as sin.                             
But the dear girl, Siglinde.                                
On request could pass wind                                  
And play excerpts from Lohengrin.                           
                                                            
28021 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           William N Nesbit    P9804



A certain young lady named Rowell,                          
Had a musical vent to her bowel.                            
With a good plate of beans                                  
Tucked under her jeans,                                     
She could play "To a Wild Rose" by MacDowell.               
                                                            
28022 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               L1730



An aspiring young lady named Root                           
Longed to master the art of the flute.                      
This exceeded her means                                     
So she settled for beans,                                   
Since she knew they would make her astute.                  
                                                            
28023 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Russ Roth           P9212



There was a young man from Biloxi,                          
Whose bowels responded to Moxie.                            
Drinking glass after glass,                                 
He would tune up his ass,                                   
Till he played like the band at the Roxy.                   
(Moxie - Eastern soft drink, Roxy - famous movie theater)   
28024 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G1356



A crafty old bugler of Rheims,                              
Would feast upon coconut creams,                            
And fart a toccata,                                         
Or a Mozart sonata,                                         
On seventeenth-century themes.                              
                                                            
28025 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G1441



There was a young lady of France,                           
Supposed to play at a dance.                                
She ate a banana                                            
And played the piano                                        
And music came out of her pants.                            
                                                            
28026 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               L0701



His burping's a true work of art.                           
We can't say as much for his fart.                          
It sounds very flat,                                        
Down where it's at,                                         
But at least it isn't B sharp.                              
                                                            
28027 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Marilyn                  



A habit of Rene Descartes                                   
Was to eat very large baked bean tarts.                     
He became quite a cult,                                     
With the melodious result,                                  
That is now number eight on the charts.                     
                                                            
28028 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Bill Wall                



A German musician named Bager,                              
Spurred on by a very high wager,                            
Proceeded to fart                                           
The complete oboe part                                      
Of a Haydn octet in A-Major.                                
(Of a Mozart concerto in F Major)                           
28029 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Anon                     



So the fiddlers started to play                             
While Cager afarting away,                                  
When to his dispair,                                        
He ran out of air                                           
At the upbeat to four after "A".                            
                                                            
28030 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           John Miller              



To Cager this was quite a bummer.                           
His asshole was really a hummer.                            
Imagine his glee                                            
When he found out that he                                   
Had been farting the wrong Koechel number.                  
(Koechel number - organization of Mozart's works)           
28031 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           John Miller              



A musical girl from Rangoon                                 
Had beans on one fine afternoon.                            
When she played in the band,                                
She had volume so grand,                                    
But her farting was way out of tune.                        
                                                            
28032 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Albin Chaplin            



I can play the old trumpet invol-                           
untary, sometimes a kettle-drum roll;                       
But those symphonies great                                  
Of old Mozart and Beet-                                     
hoven? Shit! They need perfect control.                     
                                                            
28033 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Peter Wilkins            



Some folk confuse farts with methane;                       
That results from a bad anal strain.                        
Though both can be deadly,                                  
Only one plays a medley,                                    
Especially after beans and champagne.                       
                                                            
28034 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           S C Saint                



The sphincter's an unruly thing;                            
A lifetime of study's the thing                             
For anal broadcasters,                                      
Who wish to be masters,                                     
And make the ass trill and sing.                            
                                                            
28035 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           H                        



But if you just need a quick grin                           
(For you, not for those you chagrin),                       
Insert a duck call --                                       
It's sure to appall,                                        
With outrageous droppings of chin.                          
                                                            
28036 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           H                        



Otherwise, get thee a glass,                                
Observing your reflected ass,                               
And patiently strain                                        
And train once again,                                       
Until even tones you can pass.                              
                                                            
28037 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           H                        



To modulate pitch is the trick --                           
The brain-ass connections limbic.                           
A musical hole                                              
Needs cortex control.                                       
It's cheating to tug on your dick.                          
                                                            
28038 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           H                        



If you ask of the average anus                              
To carry a tune, it would pain us.                          
But insert a reed,                                          
With a dash of your seed,                                   
And the pooting is quite far from heinous.                  
                                                            
28039 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Toots                    



Then I tried once again to extrude                          
Some noises melodic but rude.                               
As a single loud trump                                      
Came forth from my rump,                                    
I sang words about turds that were crude.                   
                                                            
28040 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Prof                     



A melodious old maid from Lorain                            
Couldn't crap without getting a pain.                       
She started a fast but that didn't last,                    
So alack and alas, she changed it to gas                    
And went rooty toot toot in the rain.                       
                                                            
28041 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a cop named Lance,                           
Who was cocky and walked with a prance.                     
While boasting the art                                      
Of the musical fart,                                        
He saddened whilst filling his pants.                       
                                                            
28042 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



A horny marine, Sergeant Ellis,                             
With esprit de corps much too zealous,                      
Drilled his yard to stand stiff,                            
At the whiff of a quiff,                                    
While his asshole blew Semper Fidelis.                      
                                                            
28043 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



A flatulent fellow named Bart                               
Consumed beans for the sake of his art.                     
And his silent-but-deadlies                                 
Played beautiful medleys                                    
That plucked at the strings of one's heart.                 
                                                            
28044 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Peter Wilkins            



Here's old Charlie Giggle, the vagrant,                     
With audible flatulence flagrant.                           
He'll fart, for a tanner,                                   
The Star Spangled Banner,                                   
And leave all the city unfragrant.                          
                                                            
28045 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Tiddy Ogg                



Jeez, I'm a forgetful old goat!                             
So here's that explanatory note:                            
A tanner's six pence;                                       
Old style, that's 4 cents                                   
(US); slightly more than a groat.                           
                                                            
28046 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Tiddy Ogg                



Another explanatory note                                    
I think is required for "a groat".                          
Now wasn't that four                                        
Pence (old Sterling) no more?                               
Or have I got the brains of a goat?                         
                                                            
28047 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Peter Wilkins            



That question on brains is rhetorical;                      
But seeing as groats are historical,                        
And older than tanners,                                     
It's only good manners                                      
I firstly consult the Ogg Oracle.                           
                                                            
28048 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Peter Wilkins            



You're right, and for once on the job,                      
And poling old Sal with my knob,                            
She said for a groat,                                       
She'd suck on my choat,                                     
But to swallow the jizz was a bob.                          
                                                            
28049 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Tiddy Ogg                



A bob, as you know, is a shilling.                          
And back then, most gals would be willing                   
To lower defence                                            
For that small expense,                                     
And give you a jolly good milling.                          
                                                            
28050 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young girl from Savannah,                       
Who had a peculiar manner.                                  
She stood on her head                                       
In the middle of the bed                                    
And farted the Star Spangled Banner.                        
                                                            
28051 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



A man and his love in Kowloon                               
Soon found they could sing a new tune.                      
Drinking beer, both were farting,                           
But the notes they were charting                            
By the light of the silvery moon.                           
                                                            
28052 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



Next thing came contracts to go out,                        
Displaying their fart-songs, no doubt.                      
He would toot in low D,                                     
She would rip in high C --                                  
The "Ass-gas Symphony" was a blowout!                       
                                                            
28053 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



A patriotic young city planner                              
Learned to fart in a musical manner.                        
His employees did stay                                      
At attention each day,                                      
While he farted the Star Spangled Banner.                   
                                                            
28054 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Menger          P9204



He moved off to London one spring                           
And in London he did the same thing.                        
Except that by June                                         
He'd learned a new tune                                     
And now farted God Save the King.                           
                                                            
28055 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Menger          P9204



Then at gambling he lost all his bets--                     
Fled to Spain to avoid all his debts.                       
He earns minimum wage                                       
Farting tangos on stage,                                    
Accompanied by four castanets.                              
                                                            
28056 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Jim Menger          P9204



I've taken the day off in lieu,                             
But of what? Well, I haven't a clue.                        
Thought I'd master the art                                  
Of the musical fart,                                        
But I cheated and used a Kazoo.                             
                                                            
28057 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Peter Wilkins            



An upstart who gained notoriety                             
Is shunned by the cream of society,                         
For his foul ventral breezes.                               
He voids as he pleases,                                     
In tones of fantastic variety.                              
                                                            
28058 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                               G1433



While musicians have battled for years,                     
Over which are the best symphoneers,                        
They agree from the start,                                  
That a 'Whistling Fart'                                     
Is great music to all of their rears. (their ears?)         
                                                            
28059 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL                                    



An overweight lady named Tammy                              
Fell in the orchestra pit in Miami.                         
All of the brass                                            
Went straight up her ass;                                   
She farted and she won a Grammy!                            
                                                            
28060 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Anon                     



The farter from Sparta had class,                           
And many awards did amass,                                  
But a fellow named Carter                                   
Was a much better farter,                                   
Who could whistle a tune with his ass.                      
                                                            
28061 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-1197



A flatulent crooner named Swartz,                           
A loser with almost no smarts,                              
At last honed an act                                        
Worth millions in fact:                                     
Pop music from nothing but farts.                           
                                                            
28062 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL           Armand E Singer       591



There once was a young man from Sparta,                     
A really magnificent farter.                                
On the strength of one bean,                                
He'd fart God Save The Queen,                               
And Bethoven's Moonlight Sonata.                            
                                                            
28063 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0740



He could vary, with proper persuasion,                      
His fart to suit any occasion.                              
He could fart like a flute,                                 
Like a lark, like a lute,                                   
This highly fartistic Caucasian.                            
                                                            
28064 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0741



This sparkling young farter from Sparta,                    
His fart, for no money could barter.                        
He could roar from his rear,                                
Any scene from Shakespeare,                                 
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.                           
                                                            
28065 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0742



He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,                          
And fizzle a fine serenata.                                 
He could play on his anus,                                  
The Coriolanus:                                             
Er-tum-too, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!                    
                                                            
28066 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0743



He was great on the Christmas Cantata.                      
He could double-stop fart the Toccata.                      
Brahm's B-Minor Mass,                                       
Would boom from his ass,                                    
And he'd finish with La Traviata.                           
                                                            
28067 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0744



His repertoire, classics to jazz,                           
New effects using bubbles of gas.                           
With a good dose of salts,                                  
He could whistle a waltz,                                   
Or swing it in razzamatazz.                                 
                                                            
28068 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0746



His basso profundo, so rare,                                
He rendered with power to spare.                            
But his great work of art,                                  
His fortissimo fart,                                        
He saved for the March Militaire.                           
                                                            
28069 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0747



He could whistle, could warble, could hum;                  
By constricting the hole in his bum.                        
And make animal sounds,                                     
Or fire artillery rounds                                    
With the force of a field cannon gun.                       
                                                            
28070 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



The fabbulous farter from Sparta,                           
Performed by command Royal Charter.                         
Did Brahms, Grieg, and Mozart,                              
For 'Piano and Fart,'                                       
And for encore he did Bach's Tocccata.                      
                                                            
28071 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



He'd accompanied Oasis and Blur,                            
And done backing music for Cher.                            
Though his style was obscene,                               
It's used on the big screen,                                
And is found in the movie, Ben Hur.                         
                                                            
28072 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



When his farter was truly on form,                          
His asshole outplayed a French horn.                        
He'd give all day recitals                                  
With the air from his vitals.                               
After a large plate of leeks and some corn.                 
                                                            
28073 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



No one could play classics much finer,                      
As he showed me one day in a diner.                         
I had bagels with lox,                                      
While from his buttocks,                                    
He played Choin's Etude 12 in C-minor.                      
                                                            
28074 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  Anon                     



He could imitate jets supersonic,                           
Or play compositions symphonic.                             
For Handel's Messiah,                                       
He reached top C and higher,                                
Only after a mammoth colonic.                               
                                                            
28075 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



A family size can of baked beans,                           
Could fuel for thee main movie themes;                      
Star Wars and some westerns,                                
Were often requested,                                       
Though odors were somewhat obscene.                         
                                                            
28076 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



He could play Holst's Mars and Uranus,                      
By expelling the air from his anus.                         
He did Copacabana,                                          
But his Carmina Burana                                      
Was proclaimed a cantus profanus.                           
                                                            
28077 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



This man with the musical asshole,                          
Was asked to perform in a castle.                           
He ignited his gas,                                         
Near exploded his ass,                                      
And the Count cried "Once more, you rascal!"                
                                                            
28078 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



One day he was asked to perform,                            
The William Tell Overture Storm.                            
But naught could dishearten                                 
Our flatulent Spartan,                                      
For his fart was in wonderful form.                         
                                                            
28079 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0748



The Count hosted the concert in style,                      
And the queue to get in was a mile.                         
The farter ate leeks,                                       
Lived on beans for two weeks,                               
Knowing his farts were on trial.                            
                                                            
28080 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



He practiced by farting some tunes,                         
Till his arsehole made sounds like bassoons;                
Symphonies, sonatas,                                        
Serenades and contatas,                                     
And the theme from 'The Mouse On The Moon.'                 
                                                            
28081 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



He played 'The Ride Of The Valkyries,                       
And brought the whole crowd to its knees.                   
Women fainted and screamed,                                 
At the Dambuster's Theme,                                   
And the Flight of the Bumblebee.                            
                                                            
28082 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



He farted on feeling quite merry;                           
Did the Dance Of The Sugarplum Fairies.                     
Farts echoed and swelled,                                   
(And so did the smell)                                      
And his face went as red as a cherry.                       
                                                            
28083 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



With a smell like a heap of manure,                         
He began the William Tell Overture.                         
They gasped as it started,                                  
Cheered the Farter from  Sparta,                            
And soon they were screaming for more.                      
                                                            
28084 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



It went off in capital style,                               
And he farted it through with a smile.                      
Then, feeling quite jolly,                                  
He tried the finale,                                        
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.                 
                                                            
28085 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0749



The selection was tough, I admit,                           
But it did not dismay him one bit,                          
With his head held aloft,                                   
He suddenly coughed,                                        
And collapsed in a mountain of shit.                        
(But it daunted our Spartan no whit)                        
28086 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0750



One mammoth turd blocked up his ass;                        
Around it no fart could be passed.                          
His bowel filled with farts,                                
From his ass to his heart,                                  
And inflated his belly with gas.                            
                                                            
28087 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



All at once, the poor farter exploded;                      
His expanding bowel overloaded.                             
The room filled with screams,                               
As gas-filled intestines                                    
Rose up to the ceiling and floated.                         
                                                            
28088 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



Like a string of long brown balloons,                       
His innards were strung 'round the room.                    
The odor was ripe,                                          
So the Count lit his pipe,                                  
And the whole place went up with a boom.                    
                                                            
28089 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA  llewtraH                 



His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,                      
Where they buried the rest of our farter.                   
With a gravestone of turds                                  
Inscribed with the words,                                   
To the Fine Art of Farting, a Martyr."                      
                                                            
28090 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      L0751



He could blow stately themes in organlike styles,           
Such as "Ein Fest Burg," with his sphincter in smiles;      
He could fart "Dulciana"                                    
Or a soft vox humana,                                       
With tremolo stops from his piles.                          
                                                            
28091 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      G1460



You've heard of that fellow from Sparta,                    
Renowned as musician and farter;                            
He could fart pizzicata,                                    
With flute obbligata,                                       
And boom out the bass of Bach's B-flat toccata.             
                                                            
28092 FLATULENCE - MUSICAL - SPARTA                      G1459



A fellow with the surname of Art                            
Often dined at the deli in the mart.                        
Some thought he was crude                                   
And very much lewd,                                         
For he finished each meal with a fart.                      
                                                            
28093 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



I suffered a flatulent spell                                
And my lady-love's ardor soon fell.                         
It wasn't the odor,                                         
She told me, that slowed 'er,                               
But the noises announcing the smell.                        
                                                            
28094 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Norm Storer         P9806



A crepitant person named Birch                              
Often farts right out loud during church.                   
Said the pastor, "Dear friend,                              
You'll be blessed in the end--                              
But it won't be an end without smirch."                     
(crepitant - making a cracking sound)                       
28095 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1089



I once overheard a discussion                               
On the subject of anal percussion,                          
Those rim-shot retorts,                                     
That put stains in your shorts,                             
As the wind from your rectum goes rushin'.                  
                                                            
28096 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Wiley                    



Involved in this heated debate                              
Was a chemistry student named Tate.                         
"Because of the stink,                                      
A fart is, I think,                                         
Just shit in its gaseous state."                            
                                                            
28097 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Wiley                    



And I have to include this last item --                     
They've got to get out, so don't fight them.                
Blast them out loudly!                                      
Boast of them proudly!                                      
If you are really brave, you can light them.                
                                                            
28098 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Wiley                    



A torpedoed seaman named Rowell,                            
Was flagging a ship with a towel.                           
As the rescuers started,                                    
He excitedly farted,                                        
And blew himself back to Rabaul.                            
                                                            
28099 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1444



An old man of Texas named Tanners,                          
Was notorious for his bad manners.                          
When he noticed the start                                   
On an imminent fart,                                        
He'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.                
                                                            
28100 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Jim Weaver Collection    



I sat next to the Duchess at tea.                           
It was just as I feared it would be.                        
Her rumblings abdominal                                     
Were truly phenomenal,                                      
And everyone thought it was me!                             
                                                            
28101 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Woodrow Wilson      L1588



When I thought of the duchess affair,                       
It suddenly struck me, "How rare                            
Are abnormal vitals                                         
In ladies with titles,                                      
So I'm glad, after all, I was there."                       
                                                            
28102 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Anon                     



I dined next to the Crowned Princess Di,                    
And observed things soon going awry;                        
Her rumblings internal                                      
Were something infernal,                                    
And everyone thought it was I!                              
(which is more important, truth or grammar?)                
28103 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Arthur Deex         P9408



I'll buy you sex toys by the cart,                          
And let you all play with my part.                          
So what say you, ladies?                                    
Let's raise us some Hades                                   
And ring in oh-oh with a fart!                              
                                                            
28104 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



There was an old man named Croup,                           
Who had lost all control of his poop.                       
While dining one day,                                       
His old wife did say,                                       
"Stop making that noise with your soup!"                    
                                                            
28105 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



Krakatau chose August, not June,                            
To compete with our H's great tune.                         
But the fart was much greater                               
Just one fortnight later;                                   
An echo came back from the moon.                            
                                                            
28106 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



That's ludricous, John, I agree;                            
For the air is so dense near the sea,                       
That the sound waves lose force                             
Pushing air away; course                                    
In a vacuum, it's speed is near c.                          
                                                            
28107 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



For there's nothing impeding the sound                      
As it echoes and thunders around                            
In the vacuum called space;                                 
It's a noisy old place,                                     
So I think I'll stay here on the ground.                    
                                                            
28108 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



According to Doctor Dewitt,                                 
While physical law would admit                              
Interstellar dispersal                                      
Of a gaseous reversal,                                      
The sound travels slower than shit.                         
                                                            
28109 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



So shit's supersonic no less?                               
Well that's certainly true of our Bess;                     
For no sound can you hear                                   
While she's straining her rear,                             
'Til you're hit with a warm sticky mess.                    
                                                            
28110 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



The professer, a guest on the coast,                        
Ordered breakfast of beans upon toast.                      
When he left for the station,                               
His loud eructation,                                        
Embarrassed his well-meaning host.                          
                                                            
28111 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



Tom Hardy had ass well endowed                              
For making farts putrid and loud.                           
That's why he'd be found,                                   
Creating that sound,                                        
So far from the madd(en)ing crowd.                          
                                                            
28112 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



"My honeymoon," young Stover said                           
"Will last and with passion be fed."                        
But you'll find, Mr. Stover,                                
That the honeymoon's over,                                  
When the bride lets her first fart in bed.                  
                                                            
28113 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Albin Chaplin   3024-0318



A little boy sitting in school                              
Was trying to follow the rule.                              
Yet his butt cheeks did part                                
And he let a fart,                                          
And the teacher fell off of her stool.                      
                                                            
28114 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Shelley                  



Lord Randall, on top of his tart,                           
Let a horrible, fizzling fart.                              
Said the tart, "Now, m'lord,                                
I'm taking your word,                                       
You did not follow through on the spot."                    
                                                            
28115 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 L1684



When you body decides to expel                              
Its odours, it makes quite a smell.                         
Thus a fart's not abusive --                                
Indeed, it's inclusive                                      
And enjoyed by deaf people as well.                         
                                                            
28116 FLATULENCE - NOISY             H Myers            TP9804



A star-crossed old priest from Vincennes                    
Was mouthing resplendent amens:                             
Alack and alas,                                             
Betrayed by his ass,                                        
His voice could be heard from both ends.                    
                                                            
28117 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Armand E Singer       624



In the middle of making a toast                             
To my flatulent ill-mannered host,                          
I felt a deep rumble;                                       
My bowel it did grumble,                                    
And then my gas gave up the ghost.                          
                                                            
28118 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Anon                     



Here sits a man named Ron,                                  
On his lovely new wicker futon.                             
With a beer in his hand,                                    
And his toes in the sand,                                   
And he farts, right next to Dawn!                           
                                                            
28119 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



A fine gent from the west, name of Pound,                   
Was well known for his grace, world around.                 
But even with class,                                        
He controls not his ass,                                    
So each fart makes a high Puget Sound.                      
                                                            
28120 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Tom Patton          P0209



I went to a party, a blast!                                 
The drinks kept on coming so fast.                          
I said to the hostess,                                      
"I think you're the mostess."                               
She farted, which left me aghast.                           
                                                            
28121 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Tom Patton          P0302



The man in the room above mine                              
Has just put his life on the line.                          
He's been in the shower                                     
For more than an hour --                                    
It's actually been about nine!                              
                                                            
28122 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



He tromps hard and burps really loud;                       
You'd think he was playing to a crowd.                      
He shouts, "Howzit hanging?"                                
Then there's some loud banging;                             
I think he is probably plowed.                              
                                                            
28123 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



He's pootered and farted all night;                         
The rooms here not being airtight --                        
Smell oozed out the door                                    
Then pooled on the floor,                                   
And gassed every person in sight.                           
                                                            
28124 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



A flatulent schoolboy named Slade                           
Made sounds that would stop a parade.                       
"You just don't pass gas                                    
In my English class,"                                       
The teach said and lowered his grade."                      
                                                            
28125 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Armand E Singer       837



Delilah was close to my heart,                              
Excluding her penchant to fart                              
At just the wrong time;                                     
In The Guggenheim,                                          
She gave the patrons quite a start.                         
                                                            
28126 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



There once was a Kensington strumpet                        
Whose arsehole would bray like a trumpet.                   
Besides which gift, she                                     
Had one art, repartee,                                      
As tasty and crisp as a crumpet.                            
                                                            
28127 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1466



So when her pa proved "a mere scumpit                       
Your cunt is, and as for your rump, it                      
Is all out of tune!"                                        
She laughed, "You baboon!                                   
You don't like it?  All right!  You can lump it!"           
                                                            
28128 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1467



In Sydney an old man named Stu                              
Passed gas like a didgeridoo.                               
No amount of heaving,                                       
Nor circular breathing,                                     
Could help him while taking a poo.                          
                                                            
28129 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Ralphiod                 



There was a young man from Montmartre,                      
Who was famed far and wide for his fart.                    
When they said, "What a noise!"                             
He replied with great poise,                                
When I fart, sir, I fart from the heart."                   
                                                            
28130 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 L1681



There once was a man with a bowel                           
Which would rumble and emit a loud growl.                   
Though as much as he tried                                  
His symptoms to hide,                                       
His neighbors would twitter and howl.                       
                                                            
28131 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Edwin J Weinstein        



An eccentric old coot from Bel Air                          
Was accused of passing hot air.                             
Said he, "It's right smart                                  
To fire off a fine fart.                                    
'Twould be louder if my ass were bare."                     
                                                            
28132 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1354



A cabman who drove in Biarritz,                             
Once frightened a fare into fits.                           
When reproved for a fart,                                   
He said, "Bless your heart,                                 
When I break wind, I usually shits."                        
                                                            
28133 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 L0673



Down in biology class,                                      
Young Bill made a sound from his ass.                       
"Now William, explain                                       
How you made that methane."                                 
Said Willy, "That gas?  Sir, I pass!"                       
                                                            
28134 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Peter Wilkins            



There once was a lad from Encino,                           
Who ate beans, but refused to take Beano.                   
The result was: He gassed!                                  
Firing blast after blast!                                   
Why, he passed it more times than Marino!                   
(Marino - all-pro quarterback for Miami Dolphins)           
28135 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Rowdy Jack               



In her lover's bed, Edna was spread                         
As in went his pecker's red head!                           
Did the long diddling-bone                                  
Make the girl moan and groan?                               
No, the bitch farted loudly instead.                        
                                                            
28136 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1462



If you fart, then it's best in a crowd;                     
When you do it, just don't laugh out loud.                  
Just a quiet little snigger                                 
For small ones or bigger;                                   
To do that is fully allowed.                                
                                                            
28137 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Richard Jean             



A bouncy young damsel, Miss Hart,                           
Whenever you fucked her, she'd fart.                        
She'd scream (brraap), "Give me more!                       
Fuck me (brrap) till I'm sore!"                             
She can fuck her own self, for my part.                     
                                                            
28138 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



I'm sorry, I'll just have to carp;                          
It's a skill needing reflexes sharp.                        
Let it boil, let it stew,                                   
Let it bubble and brew,                                     
'Til it's ripe and it's ready ... then PPPAAARRRRPPP!!      
                                                            
28139 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



Sir Reginald Barrington Bart,                               
Went to a masked ball as a fart.                            
He had painted his face                                     
Like a more private place,                                  
But his voice made the dowagers start.                      
                                                            
28140 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 L0670



'Tis rare that I have this occasion                         
To display my great flair for oration.                      
I sputter and spume;                                        
Out comes naught but perfume,                               
Then at once a most loud flatulation!                       
                                                            
28141 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Steve Thompson           



A vessel has sailed from Chicago                            
With barrels of pork for a cargo.                           
For Boston she's bound,                                     
Preceded, I've found,                                       
By another with beans from near Fargo.                      
                                                            
28142 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



Way back in my hometown of Kent,                            
Aromatherapy just meant                                     
We'd pull Grampa's finger                                   
And the scent would linger.                                 
Then we'd all feel good when it went.                       
                                                            
28143 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



There was an old lady of art,                               
Who had a husband named Bart.                               
That night she had heard                                    
Something quite absurd,                                     
Which happened to be Bart's loud fart.                      
                                                            
28144 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Mark M.                  



The Maestro had held such a flatus                          
For so long inside of his fatus,                            
He let loose the gas noxious,                               
And it blew off his soxious,                                
And he said, "Oh well, Quo Vatus".                          
                                                            
28145 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Jim Weaver Collection    



There's always some one around,                             
Who'd object if I riffed it with sound.                     
But out in the park,                                        
At least after dark,                                        
I can make the welkin resound.                              
(welkin - the heavens, celestial globe)                     
28146 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 L1676



If you give my finger a pull,                               
I will fill both your nostrils full,                        
Of cabbage and beans,                                       
Strained through my jeans,                                  
Sounding like the roar of a bull.                           
                                                            
28147 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Jim Weaver         TP9802



The foible of Frimbleton Hake                               
Of farting at fish in a lake,                               
Seems rather far-fetched,                                   
And though several fish retched,                            
It is fart too much trouble to take!                        
                                                            
28148 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1398



There was a young man of Penn State                         
Who could fart at a terrible rate.                          
Rips, rattles, and growls                                   
Came forth from his bowels.                                 
He maintained it was something he ate.                      
(but Daniel slipped on a wet lion turd and came fifth..-McW)
28149 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 G1436



An obscene Argentine named Matanzas,                        
From one bean rendered eight hundred stanzas.               
Once before a large crowd,                                  
He blew one note so loud,                                   
That it spawned a tornado in Kansas.                        
                                                            
28150 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Pierce Evans             



When you fart in church, it can suck.                       
But there's no need to look like a schmuck.                 
Just glance all around,                                     
Then say with a frown,                                      
"Did somebody step on a duck?"                              
                                                            
28151 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Michael Weinstein   P9804



Played a beautiful piece on the harp;                       
It was soft, it was sweet, in C#.                           
And with rapture my love                                    
Was in heaven above,                                        
Until I gave a terrible FARRP!                              
                                                            
28152 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Peter Wilkins            



Ever noticed how folks from down South,                     
Always talk with food in their mouth.                       
One day they will find                                      
That their beloved behind                                   
Can too, and they they will pass out!                       
                                                            
28153 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Jim Weaver Collection    



Embarrassed, a lover named Lynd                             
Admitted, "I fear I have sinned.                            
Dearest, what you just heard                                
Was no carolling bird;                                      
I squeezed off three farts to the wind."                    
                                                            
28154 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Armand E Singer       354



A ten would I rate Barbara Bass,                            
But one thing detracts from her class:                      
She cannot restrain                                         
Great burst of butane                                       
That thunder from out of her ass.                           
                                                            
28155 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Armand E Singer       156



The Lady bent over, spread wide,                            
So his Lordship could fit deep inside.                      
He withdrew with a start                                    
When she let out a fart                                     
Which completely unraveled his tie.                         
                                                            
28156 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Actaeon                  



The monks passed the word, though not spoken,               
'Twas scratched on the back of a token:                     
Bean-O prevents gas.                                        
They agreed en-mass;                                        
Their vow of silence won't be broken.                       
                                                            
28157 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



I'm afraid Beano, I won't be using                          
For I find the sound quite amusing.                         
Like a slide trombone,                                      
Eat some kraut to add tone;                                 
Sounds great... no need for excusing.                       
                                                            
28158 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



They're the musical fruit, so some say;                     
You will toot and drive hucksters away;                     
When the Watch Tower ladies                                 
Hear your bugle from Hades,                                 
While they flee, for your soul they will pray!              
                                                            
28159 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                      



There was an old maid from Bruton,                          
Who had the bad habit of pootin'.                           
Her sphincter was weak,                                     
Her wind couldn't keep,                                     
This old spinster from Bruton was tootin'.                  
                                                            
28160 FLATULENCE - NOISY                                 L1678



In the medical world it is known                            
That not passing gas makes one groan.                       
You must have a sound                                       
Heard rumbling around,                                      
Like a FLATULENT note, quite well known.                    
                                                            
28161 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Maggie                   



There's a flatulent actor named Bart                        
(I would claim he's not overly smart)                       
Who thinks, in a car                                        
With some movie star,                                       
She won't know who just let a big fart.                     
                                                            
28162 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Armand E Singer       772



There was a young lady named Hartz,                         
Well-known for her wind-breaking arts.                      
She produced such a noise                                   
That she won, with great poise,                             
An Olympic medallion for farts.                             
                                                            
28163 FLATULENCE - NOISY             Albin Chaplin   3024-1204



One gal I was truly adoring,                                
Confirmed my love-making was boring.                        
The thrust of my schlong,                                   
Did  move  her  to  song,                                   
But drowned out by her loud anal snoring.                   
                                                            
28164 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      SFA                      



The wind in the desert is strong;                           
The breeze on the sea moves along,                          
But the anal snore                                          
Can knock down a door,                                      
And rip the balls off of your dong.                         
                                                            
28165 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Anon                     



An observant old codger named Browder                       
Said, "Now, between bean soup and chowder,                  
You'll find, my good friend,                                
That bean soup--in the end--                                
Will prove to be several times LOUDER.                      
                                                            
28166 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Grand Prix Lim  746 G1359



When younger my nickname was "Beerfart",                    
Because ale helped me perfect my art.                       
I have always been proud                                    
Of the smelly and loud                                      
Bellowings that come from my heart.                         
                                                            
28167 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



Big Bertha's a fine piece of crumpet,                       
A massively mountainous strumpet;                           
Her arse unsurpassed,                                       
So enormously vast,                                         
That she farts like an elephants trumpet.                   
                                                            
28168 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Anon                     



If amusing - laugh on by all means!                         
Farting well's not the light task it seems:                 
For performing the arts                                     
Of resounding loud farts,                                   
It takes mountains of lentils and beans!                    
                                                            
28169 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Anon                     



Said a fart smeller living in Snell:                        
"I judge a fart's power by smell.                           
A small, scentless popper                                   
Ain't really improper--                                     
It's the big greasy blasts that raise hell!"                
                                                            
28170 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                          G1458



So loud was the farting of Scheering                        
That he had to fart in a clearing.                          
As he phoned in Duluth                                      
He did fart in a booth,                                     
And he never recovered his hearing.                         
                                                            
28171 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Albin Chaplin   3024-1229



I was staggered right off of my feet,                       
When a lady I happened to meet                              
Cut a fart, though a shorty,                                
With a sound like a forty                                   
Pound pumpkin that fell to the street.                      
                                                            
28172 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Hugh Clary               



There was an old man from Durane,                           
Who released great volumes of methane.                      
He would start with a snort,                                
Followed by a report,                                       
That could be heard way up in Maine.                        
                                                            
28173 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Jim Weaver Collection    



A cop stopped me at Barnet fair,                            
He said "You've no horn button there."                      
"I've another device,                                       
Twice as good, if not thrice"...                            
And an ear-splitting fart rent the air.                     
                                                            
28174 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



There was a young lady from Bristol,                        
Who went to the Palace called Crystal.                      
Said she, "It's all glass,                                  
And as round as my ass."                                    
And she farted as loud as a pistol.                         
                                                            
28175 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



I cut me a sweet one last morn...                           
'Twas quite long, loud, low, and forlorn.                   
Five ships in the bay                                       
Went grounded, they say,                                    
Assuming they heard a fog-horn.                             
                                                            
28176 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



I once owned a pig that could fly;                          
I fed him on baked beans and rye.                           
He developed the art                                        
Of a thunderous fart,                                       
That propelled him up into the sky!                         
                                                            
28177 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



A young Scot named Finn Barr MacMartin                      
A tart-eatin' party took part in.                           
After snarfing ten tart, Finn                               
Was heartily smartin',                                      
And startin' to fart in his tartan.                         
                                                            
28178 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Anon                     



I think I shall send a vibration:                           
A fart-shock to rattle the nation!                          
With ear to the ground                                      
You'll hear it resound,                                     
And birds will reverse their migration.                     
                                                            
28179 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



I'll then save a gut-stretching blast.                      
When springtime comes 'round, then, at last,                
I'll add some propane                                       
And extra profane,                                          
And rrrrip 'till even you are aghast!                       
                                                            
28180 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



A sound engineer by name Bart                               
At beans till he started to fart,                           
A cacophonous roar                                          
Like a fatulent boar --                                     
His needle went clear off the chart.                        
                                                            
28181 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Armand E Singer       693



Alas for a statesman named Smuts,                           
Whose shit was all stuck in his guts.                       
He farted a blast;                                          
Left his hearers aghast;                                    
Yet nothing emerged but some nuts.                          
                                                            
28182 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                          G1456



Reno to Clinton: "Bill don't linger;                        
Just reach over and pull my finger.                         
My cheeks will part,                                        
With a thunderous fart,                                     
And you'll enjoy a real wing dinger!"                       
                                                            
28183 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



It takes little strain and no art                           
To bang out an echoing fart.                                
The reaction is hearty                                      
When you fart at a party,                                   
But the sensitive persons depart.                           
                                                            
28184 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                          G1350



When my dove, Marylou, passes gas,                          
It's more than a poof from her ass;                         
There's a thunderous din                                    
Plus a shredding of skin,                                   
And a settling of dust in your glass.                       
                                                            
28185 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



Alas for a preacher named Hoke,                             
Whose shit was all stuck in his poke.                       
He farted a blast                                           
That left hearers aghast,                                   
But nothing emerged but some smoke.                         
                                                            
28186 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                          L0704



An unfortunate lass named Louise,                           
Unlooses huge farts with each sneeze.                       
She attracts quite a crowd                                  
When they rip out so loud,                                  
That she blushes clear down to her knees.                   
(Lets a vast ventral blast with each sneeze.)               
28187 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                          G1412



There was a young fellow from Braithwaite,                  
Who only peas, beans and green sprouts ate.                 
His sphincter did fail,                                     
And the sound of the gale,                                  
Was heard way up the valley in Seathwaite.                  
                                                            
28188 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



A hooker who was plying her wares,                          
Was offended by prissy ladies' stares;                      
To get even, the tart                                       
Let out a loud fart                                         
Turning all those rude stares into glares.                  
                                                            
28189 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Anon                     



While reading the Exchange and Mart,                        
A terrible noise made me start.                             
But I didn't worry --                                       
'Twas only Bill Murray.                                     
And with him, it's not rude, it's an art!                   
                                                            
28190 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Bill Wall                



Once a young Swiss lad named Giles                          
Had farts that would echo for miles.                        
While neighbors compete                                     
With their horns on the peaks,                              
Mighty Giles thunders back with a smile.                    
                                                            
28191 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD      Anon                     



A glorious pant-rending blast                               
Left most in the metro aghast.                              
But there in the station                                    
I heard one ovation:                                        
A crazy bum screamed "Unsurpassed!"                         
                                                            
28192 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                               



The bed manners of Mrs. McCart                              
I find more offensive than smart,                           
For each time I come,                                       
She arches her bum,                                         
And lets fly with a wall-shaking fart!                      
                                                            
28193 FLATULENCE - NOISY - LOUD                          G1415



There once was a grandiose fart,                            
That got off to a bellicose start.                          
'Twas disturbingly sweet                                    
Among the elite,                                            
And got bottled and labeled as Art!                         
                                                            
28194 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Lindon Stone             



I hope that she's up to the part,                           
This cutie that's captured his heart.                       
If she makes the cut,                                       
That's really great, but                                    
The real question is - can she fart?                        
                                                            
28195 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Jim Weaver Collection    



She may not fart now but she will;                          
She'll want to give H a big thrill.                         
The sound and the smell                                     
Go together so well;                                        
It's all in the food she'll distill.                        
                                                            
28196 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Jim Weaver Collection    



A baker who made kidney tarts,                              
Would eat them with fish sauce and warts.                   
The stray cats would beg                                    
And sniff at his leg,                                       
And drool at the smell of his farts.                        
                                                            
28197 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          H Welchel                



My gas I improve and refine                                 
With whiskey and fruit of the vine.                         
It's in what you swaller                                    
That earns you top dollar,                                  
And lets you outsell crude Holstein.                        
                                                            
28198 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



There was a young man from Belize                           
Who just loved to fart in a breeze.                         
"I know there's a cost --                                   
The aroma is lost --                                        
But it's better than sucking my knees!"                     
                                                            
28199 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



My own farts, they bring me great smiles;                   
Whether in cars, restaurants, grocery isles;                
So feel free to break-wind;                                 
After all it's no sin,                                      
And it keeps you from getting the piles.                    
                                                            
28200 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



Sperm and virus were pushing apart,                         
But virus it was pretty smart.                              
Sperm got tough;                                            
"Enough is enough!                                          
I'll get out by catching the five o'clock fart!"            
                                                            
28201 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          The Weaver Collection    



Old ladies would keep a small tin                           
With freezer-dried stud-gas within.                         
The punks like it strong --                                 
They'd saw off a bong,                                      
And huff it direct from the bin.                            
                                                            
28202 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          H Whelchel               



If people got drunk on their poots,                         
Then most would turn into fart snoots.                      
They'd cock up a brow                                       
And say stuff like "Wow!                                    
Oak-woody with slight hits of fruits!"                      
                                                            
28203 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          H                        



She pulls on my finger, just so.                            
I kiss her in thanks as I blow.                             
Yes, love can be smelly.                                    
She farts on my belly                                       
In time with the strokes of my schmoe.                      
                                                            
28204 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



There was an old codger named Graft,                        
Who became exceedingly daft.                                
He shared dirty jokes,                                      
With nursing home folks,                                    
And always broke wind when he laughed!                      
                                                            
28205 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



'Twas sad when we finally parted,                           
And tears pricked her eyes as she started                   
To sob, till I said                                         
"Love, I'll miss you in bed,                                
For you kept me quite warm when you farted."                
                                                            
28206 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



Seems asses are your favorite part,                         
Of a woman, you treat them like art,                        
For love and adorning.                                      
But hon, heed my warning;                                   
The cutest of asses still fart.                             
                                                            
28207 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



Yes, flatulence sometimes occurs,                           
But seldom, if ever, deters                                 
Me from nearing that cavity                                 
Of back door depravity,                                     
Ensuring great pleasure is hers.                            
                                                            
28208 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



Hail the wonderful world of the fart,                       
And those who would make it an art.                         
As our culture regresses,                                   
Let's all relieve stresses,                                 
And contribute our own little part.                         
                                                            
28209 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          John Miller              



An ingenious inventor named Hume                            
Made it pleasant for crowds in a room.                      
At an imminent fart,                                        
His invention would start                                   
To release a delightful perfume.                            
                                                            
28210 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Al Chaplin          P9902



The contraption which Hume has invented,                    
That will make a room pleasantly scented,                   
When a fart comes about,                                    
I would like to try out;                                    
By perchance, would he let it be rented?                    
                                                            
28211 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Cap'n Bean               



Although some might think it too crass,                     
To smell what emerged from his ass,                         
She gave it some tries,                                     
And found to her surprise,                                  
"'Twas a pleasant and savory gas!"                          
                                                            
28212 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Jim Weaver Collection    



Sis cut her a fart that was ripe.                           
It stunk of fresh chitlins and tripe.                       
My pop whupped her ass,                                     
But I whiffed her gas,                                      
And wondered, "Could I pork her pipe?"                      
                                                            
28213 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT                                   



My dear, may the poop of a pigeon                           
Fall square in your eye, just a smidgeon.                   
The sacrosanct poot                                         
Is great for a hoot;                                        
Don't you dare to offend my religion.                       
                                                            
28214 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          H Welchel                



When feeling the rumblings acutely,                         
(And his shorts getting stained, though minutely)           
He thought of his lunch;                                    
It was more than a hunch:                                   
"No more beans!", Tom decided, astutely. (ass tootly)       
                                                            
28215 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Hugh Clary               



A young lad by the name of Spence                           
Would eat flowers out by the fence.                         
That was only a start;                                      
When he let a fart,                                         
It was better than burning incense.                         
                                                            
28216 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Puff Adder               



A wise crack's a butt full of wit,                          
A joke and a laugh as you sit.                              
Just doing a fart                                           
Brings warmth to your heart,                                
Expecially with pants of tight fit.                         
                                                            
28217 FLATULENCE - PLEASANT          Jayne                    



There once was a man from the Cape,                         
Whose fly was always agape.                                 
He walked along the dunes                                   
Singing some tunes,                                         
Letting his flatulence escape.                              
                                                            
28218 FLATULENCE - QUIET             McThin                   



There once was a soldier named Brylent                      
Who fought in a battle so violent,                          
That his ass was struck dumb                                
By the bombs that had come,                                 
And henceforth his farting was silent.                      
                                                            
28219 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Albin Chaplin   3024-2861



Whilst dining with friends ostentatious,                    
I exuded a fumer most gracious.                             
But I broke loose all hell                                  
With a full-bodied yell!                                    
It nipped me, the thing was CRUSTACEOUS.                    
                                                            
28220 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Friar               T9801



In his lab sits old scientist Boyes,                        
And his knowledge and skill he deploys,                     
To reduce wear and tear                                     
On the asshole so fair,                                     
By extracting from farts all the noise.                     
                                                            
28221 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Albin Chaplin   3024-1961



It's but one of life's little enigmas                       
That we're left with their scurrilous stigmas:              
Though no odor escapes,                                     
When we've finished the crepes,                             
They glower at faint borborygmus.                           
                                                            
28222 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Hugh Clary               



There was a young schoolboy named Bart                      
Who silently squeezed out a fart.                           
The smell of his gas                                        
Filled the entire Math class,                               
Then drifted to Music and Art.                              
                                                            
28223 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Jim Madigan              



"My farts have no odor, Doc Shearing.                       
And they do not make noise, I am fearing."                  
Your sinus was tricky,                                      
But I fixed it, Micky.                                      
And now I will work on your hearing."                       
                                                            
28224 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Al Willis                



A farmer in Southern Belize,                                
Invented a new kind of cheese.                              
By a curious suction,                                       
Flatulence production                                       
Is discharged as inaudible breeze.                          
                                                            
28225 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Jim Weaver Collection    



A flatulent tight Tilly Tweek                               
Kept a cork in her rear for a week.                         
Counting on an A-blast,                                     
But when the time passed,                                   
Could manage no more than a leak.                           
                                                            
28226 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Grand Prix Lim  598      



Her countenance earnest, not bright;                        
Please meditate well on her plight:                         
As the laughing crowd snickers,                             
At the smell from her knickers,                             
Should she run, or just think it's alright?                 
                                                            
28227 FLATULENCE - QUIET                                      



It's carefully, slowly output...                            
So thickly, it slithers afoot.                              
Potentially violent,                                        
Yet, trod on, it's silent,                                  
And leaves not a trace of brown soot.                       
                                                            
28228 FLATULENCE - QUIET             H                        



In the pew the old Duchess of Corning                       
Let a fart, without noises adorning.                        
Said the bishop, with poise,                                
Please incorporate noise --                                 
It would help if you gave us a warning."                    
                                                            
28229 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Albin Chaplin   3024-1198



It all seems really quite silly;                            
When you cut one loose, it is a dilly.                      
Olfactory violence                                          
In shameful silence,                                        
Yet again you swear off the chili.                          
                                                            
28230 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a woman quite well,                             
And thought of her body as swell.                           
She was such a sweetheart,                                  
She could slide by a fart,                                  
With nary a sound nor a smell.                              
                                                            
28231 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Bob Birch           P0302



There's Master at golf and Dutch art,                       
Master sailors who ken every chart.                         
The true master it seems                                    
Is the one who eats beans,                                  
Then while voiding can piss and not fart.                   
                                                            
28232 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Dick Buenger        P9006



There was a young man named O'Malley                        
Who was fucking his gal in the alley,                       
When right at the start                                     
She let a small fart;                                       
Said O'Malley to Sally, "Now r'ally!"                       
                                                            
28233 FLATULENCE - QUIET                                 L1682



Young Bertie was busting his gut                            
In the bathroom last Saturday, but                          
Despite roughage and bran,                                  
When he went to the can,                                    
Produced naught but a gaseous "phut".                       
                                                            
28234 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Peter Wilkins            



Have you seen the new rectal appliance?                     
It's a muffler that fits even giants;                       
It will stamp out the art                                   
Of the whistling fart--                                     
A new triumph for medical science!                          
                                                            
28235 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Norm Storer              



There was an old bey of Calcutta,                           
Who greased up his asshole with butter.                     
Instead of the roar                                         
That came there before,                                     
Was a soft oleagenous mutter.                               
                                                            
28236 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Anon                     



When I think of you now as we pass,                         
A person who really has class,                              
I have to confide                                           
Something stirs deep inside.                                
I sort of suspect that it's gas.                            
                                                            
28237 FLATULENCE - QUIET             A. N. Wilkins       P8612



There was an old salt known as Bart                         
Who wanted to screw a young tart.                           
He ate a whole bunch                                        
Of beans for his lunch,                                     
Don't far, Bart, the tart will depart.                      
                                                            
28238 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Julia Strawn        P8804



This guy would wear warmup suits,                           
But they imprisoned his really gross poots.                 
So he runs a hose                                           
From his butt, through his clothes,                         
To vents he has hid in his boots.                           
                                                            
28239 FLATULENCE - QUIET             John Chastaine           



I've terrible wind in my gut.                               
I'm spreading the cheeks of my butt.                        
I hope I can fart                                           
Before bursting apart,                                      
For it's brewing. I'll concentrate ..... (phut!)            
                                                            
28240 FLATULENCE - QUIET                                      



Oh bugger!  Just that?  Just a phut!?                       
I've still got that wind in my gut.                         
On the brink of delight                                     
With relief outasight,                                      
My sphincter decided to shut.                               
                                                            
28241 FLATULENCE - QUIET                                      



A bad indescretion: the "farties",                          
The wind that comes out as half-hearties.                   
In silence begotten,                                        
Not only are rotten,                                        
You don't know whose guilty at parties.                     
                                                            
28242 FLATULENCE - QUIET             Irving Superior     P9804



Farting's a stinky sweet joy,                               
Yet silently do we deploy.                                  
We get indigestion                                          
Without that expression;                                    
So why do we try to be coy?                                 
                                                            
28243 FLATULENCE - QUIET                                      



There was a young lady whose joys                           
Were achieved with comparable poise.                        
She could have an orgasm                                    
With never a spasm --                                       
She could fart without making a noise.                      
                                                            
28244 FLATULENCE - QUIET                                 L1451



I could never refuse you, my heart,                         
So extend me your fuse and I'll start                       
To electrify you                                            
With a not-distant view,                                    
For combusting your Priapus' dart.                          
                                                            
28245 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Lucy                     



Last night I prepared my erection                           
And laid it upon her midsection.                            
She fiddled a bit                                           
And then put her clit                                       
On my cock in an up-down direction.                         
                                                            
28246 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                       



My passion you now have ignited;                            
You've got me so very exited.                               
It would be my pleasure                                     
Your dong to measure,                                       
But you misbehave and I'll bite it!                         
                                                            
28247 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Anon                     



There was a young lady named Kate,                          
Who necked in the dark with her date.                       
When asked how she fared,                                   
She said she was scared,                                    
But otherwise doing first-rate.                             
                                                            
28248 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Anon                     



There was a young man from Mobile                           
Who went around a great deal.                               
He hadn't the pluck                                         
For a good solid fuck,                                      
But he used to be great on the feel.                        
                                                            
28249 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                 G1622a



A flying instructor named Dwight                            
Took a babe on her very first flight.                       
He could tell, from her glance                              
At the bulge in his pants,                                  
He'd be up in her cockpit tonight!                          
                                                            
28250 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Lims For Year - 01       



There once was a man named Chuck,                           
Who with women, never had luck,                             
Until one fine day,                                         
When a woman did say,                                       
"Boy, I'd sure like a fuck!"                                
                                                            
28251 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                       



Let me tease you a bit with my nips,                        
Tantalizingly near to your lips.                            
Does the heat from my crotch                                
Raise your temp just a notch?                               
Do you like how I gyrate my hips?                           
                                                            
28252 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                       



"Oh Henry!" she said with a sigh,                           
As she fondled him, "Oh me oh my!                           
What a big one you've got;                                  
Will it fit in my twat?"                                    
"Well I hope not, my dear, that's my thigh."                
                                                            
28253 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Peter Wilkins            



She fondled again, said "Oh no!                             
Is this wee one all you have to show?"                      
He said, "Sorry my dear,                                    
But you're still nowhere near                               
My cock.  Now you're feeling my toe!"                       
                                                            
28254 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Jeanie                   



There once was a young girl from Norway,                    
Who hung by her feet in a doorway;                          
Which worked out quite well,                                
'Cause when you rang the bell,                              
It actually turned out to be foreplay.                      
                                                            
28255 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Scott Straub             



"My dear, you've been kissing young Fred,"                  
A much-worried mother once said.                            
"Since six; it's now ten;                                   
Do it just once again,                                      
And then think of going to bed."                            
                                                            
28256 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Louis Untermeyer         



Told the Doc that my girl thinks I'm gay;                   
I can't make her come night or day.                         
Should I lengthen my dick?                                  
Will that make her come quick?                              
He said, "Nay lad, just lengthen foreplay!"                 
                                                            
28257 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Peter Wilkins            



There was an old nudist named Ikey                          
Who had a disconcerted psyche.                              
He fell arse-to-face                                        
On a Chinese named Grace,                                   
Who chortled, "No movee, me likee."                         
                                                            
28258 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                  G0859



Me, kinky?  No dear, have no fear.                          
Just slip on these silk stockings, sheer,                   
And lace negligee,                                          
And lastly, I pray,                                         
Please put on these Mickey Mouse ears.                      
                                                            
28259 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                       



A left-wing young lady from Wick,                           
Was attacking a Montmartre flic.                            
When he smacked her behind,                                 
She observed, "But how kind!                                
You're so Gallic and phallic and chic."                     
(flic - French fuzz)                                        
28260 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Gerry Hamill             



An unfortunate maiden named Esther,                         
A peculiar repugnance possessed her:                        
A reaction compulsive                                       
Made fucking repulsive,                                     
Which was rough on all those who caressed her.              
                                                            
28261 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                  G2366



A publisher went of to France,                              
In search of a tale of romance.                             
A Parisian lady                                             
Told a story so shady,                                      
That the publisher made an advance.                         
                                                            
28262 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Anon (Hull)              



There was a Young Lady of Poole,                            
Whose swain was exceedingly cool;                           
She brought him to a boil                                   
By the aid of some oil                                      
And a skillful massage on his tool.                         
                                                            
28263 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Edwardian Leer 028       



A gal who is drunk on hot wassail,                          
Will wiggle and jiggle and jostle                           
The bone of an old,                                         
Old guy till, behold!,                                      
It's hard as a petrified fossil.                            
                                                            
28264 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              SFA                      



Said a pretty young lady named Bess,                        
Who was asked and never said yes,                           
"Keep distance between us,                                  
I'll not touch your penis,                                  
But I play with myself, I confess."                         
                                                            
28265 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Tom Patton          P9708



There was a young woman from Ealing                         
Who wanted to do it with feeling.                           
But she didn't say                                          
There'd be no foreplay;                                     
Before I could stand, she was kneeling.                     
                                                            
28266 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Frank S-f                



There once was a poet named Rob                             
Who found a girl that kissed on his knob.                   
After awhile it grew wider,                                 
So he shoved it inside her,                                 
And never went back to his job.                             
                                                            
28267 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Anon                     



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
And being a bit of a cocktease,                             
She fondled his crotch,                                     
While he stood and watched,                                 
Till he blew a big wad in his jockeys!                      
                                                            
28268 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Van                      



I see by the size of your member,                           
You're as hot as a blazing coal ember.                      
So slicken the mast,                                        
And Hon, make it fast,                                      
This girl's not been poked since December.                  
                                                            
28269 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Diana Prince             



A decayed, witty old frump of Thrace,                       
Substituted rubber in her personal place.                   
She developed the trick,                                    
When you pulled out your prick,                             
Of snappping the guck in your face.                         
                                                            
28270 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                  L1353



There was a young lady from Banker,                         
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor.                     
She awoke with dismay,                                      
To hear the mate say,                                       
Lets's hoist up the top-sheet and spanker.                  
                                                            
28271 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Anon                     



This Betty is sure sounding slick,                          
To handle those things AND his dick.                        
It's Betty I'm praising;                                    
My penis is raising,                                        
With the thought of her stroking MY stick.                  
                                                            
28272 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                       



A loose-moraled filly from Stowe                            
Encouraged her diffident beau:                              
"I can tickle your dingus                                   
And I love cunnilingus,                                     
Plus all the perversions I know."                           
                                                            
28273 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Armand E Singer       346



A sweet young thing, our Nurse Nancy,                       
Has often been known to get antsy.                          
Her patients are crude,                                     
When they ask to get screwed,                               
But she's yours if you tickle her fancy.                    
                                                            
28274 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Barrie Collins           



Said rich Peking maiden, Lu Ming,                           
Who took a poor lad 'neath her wing:                        
"As proof that I like you                                   
I'll write you a haiku                                      
And tickle the end of your thing."                          
                                                            
28275 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Armand E Singer       153



A lady engineer named Ms. Holt,                             
Had a foreman as spry as a colt.                            
When she asked for a screw,                                 
What else did he do,                                        
But offer two nuts and a bolt!                              
                                                            
28276 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                       



We ladies ask for something else.                           
You know it: 'long foreplay' it spells.                     
Then plunge in the chasm,                                   
And we'll have an orgasm,                                   
No matter how big your dick swells.                         
                                                            
28277 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                       



The traffic cop was nice.                                   
He smiled at her but thrice.                                
She circled the block                                       
And lifted her frock,                                       
And got arrested twice.                                     
(He proposed and he then bought the rice.)                  
28278 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              Al Willis           P9711



Michelle in her polka-dot Rolls                             
Does tight figure-eights around Poles.                      
But two Aussies will do,                                    
South Americans too;                                        
She has no inflexible goals.                                
                                                            
28279 FOREPLAY - FEMALE              VOL 6                    



An entrancing yougn girl named McWhiston                    
Thought her bum an odd place to be kissed on.               
So she turned on her back,                                  
Showed her lover her crack,                                 
And demanded: "Now work like a piston!"                     
                                                            
28280 FOREPLAY - FEMALE                                  G2415



Cried her partner, "My dear Lady Schmoosing,                
While I'll own that stinkfinger's amusing,                  
Still, this constant delay                                  
Tends to hold up the play,                                  
And the goom on the deck's most confusing."                 
(goom - dialectical for gum)                                
28281 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    L1347



A philanderer famed for his push                            
Was your Hindu gallant in the Kush,                         
Who of mammary glands,                                      
Preferred two in the hands,                                 
As a prelude to bird-in-the-bush.                           
                                                            
28282 FOREPLAY - MALE                Thomas A. Quinine   P8601



While soaking in bubbles and oils,                          
Sally relaxed from her toils.                               
Her mission was heeded                                      
By her lover, who kneaded                                   
Her muscles out from their coils.                           
                                                            
28283 FOREPLAY - MALE                Joseph Blaylock          



If you ask me his future, I'd say                           
With women he'll go a long way.                             
He's a keen zest for living                                 
A nature for giving,                                        
And a talent for work and foreplay.                         
                                                            
28284 FOREPLAY - MALE                Lance Payne         P8405



There was an Old Man of Kamchatka,                          
Who possessed a remarkably fast car;                        
With VISA and wallet,                                       
How he loves to ball it.                                    
He picked up a sure thing in the last bar.                  
                                                            
28285 FOREPLAY - MALE                Edwardian Leer 105       



You want a quick tickle and squeeze?                        
I'll start a bit up past your knees,                        
Ignoring the toes;                                          
I know where it goes.                                       
My motto is: "I aim to please."                             
                                                            
28286 FOREPLAY - MALE                Frank Fazed              



Now I'll tell you what my attorney                          
Always does when he goes on a journey.                      
With a minx dressed in sable,                               
Hand under the table,                                       
He rubs his knee up against her knee.                       
                                                            
28287 FOREPLAY - MALE                Lance Payne         P8501



Her butt in the air looked so fair.                         
He wondered if he'd ever dare.                              
To approach her he must;                                    
He was so full of lust,                                     
And her fine derriere was so bare.                          
                                                            
28288 FOREPLAY - MALE                Charlotte                



A once rampant legend of Rock                               
Discovered, much to his shock,                              
That his knack to pull birds                                
With a very few words,                                      
Had taken a bit of a knock.                                 
                                                            
28289 FOREPLAY - MALE                John Fernbank            



I posted my girl a love letter.                             
I told her that I loved her better.                         
"Better than what?"                                         
She asked quite a lot,                                      
Till I said, "Dear, better than Greta."                     
                                                            
28290 FOREPLAY - MALE                Alan Chilver             



While smearing my partner with butter,                      
She started to groan and to mutter:                         
"Before you do ride me,                                     
I need some inside me!"                                     
So I greased up the shaft of my putter!                     
                                                            
28291 FOREPLAY - MALE                Artie Troll              



Poor old John doesn't really do much;                       
Here and there, just a fugitive touch.                      
But his wife happened by,                                   
When his palm stroked a thigh,                              
Now the fellow is really in dutch.                          
                                                            
28292 FOREPLAY - MALE                Isaac Asimov             



At the deli, they told me "You're through!                  
You did what one never should do.                           
We found your cock jammed                                   
In the pickle slicer. Damned!"                              
They fired the pickle slicer, too.                          
                                                            
28293 FOREPLAY - MALE                Theo Heller         P9408



There once was a girl named Heather,                        
Who liked to dress up in leather.                           
She loved kinky shit,                                       
So I tickled her clit                                       
With a chainsaw and a peacock feather.                      
                                                            
28294 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



In the north woods, a girl from St. Jacques,                
Was willing to give it a crack.                             
But her boyfriend, young Fred,                              
Kept pushing ahead,                                         
And circling to sneak up in back.                           
                                                            
28295 FOREPLAY - MALE                John Ciardi              



Dr. Spooner said, "Screwing's sublime                       
When a man takes the trouble to prime.                      
Extended-type foreplay                                      
Prolonged until scoreplay,                                  
Is a practice whose come, sir, has time!"                   
                                                            
28296 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



Diamonds, the best friends of girls,                        
Are not meant for bitches or churls.                        
'Twould be ill and quite feckless                           
To give them a necklace                                     
Consisting of nothing but pearls.                           
                                                            
28297 FOREPLAY - MALE                Vinnie the Face     T9710



A man with his pecker erected,                              
To fondle his dear wife elected.                            
With her clit he did play                                   
But he found in dismay,                                     
 hat her pussy was not well connected.                      
                                                            
28298 FOREPLAY - MALE                Albin Chaplin   3024-0128



There once was an old man named Fletcher,                   
Well known as a terrible lecher.                            
A kiss he would steal,                                      
And he'd cop a good feel,                                   
From a woman, if he could just catch her.                   
                                                            
28299 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



These poets, with rhythm quite glorious,                    
Crank out limericks most meritorious.                       
With pentameter terse,                                      
They make jism with verse,                                  
And can make a girl fell fine and whore-ious.               
                                                            
28300 FOREPLAY - MALE                Sylvia                   



Last night, a blind date phoned Amelia,                     
And said, "I will wear a camellia.                          
If you need something more,                                 
You'll be satisfied for                                     
I'm the one who will try to feel ya."                       
                                                            
28301 FOREPLAY - MALE                Isaac Asimov             



There once was a young man from Dover                       
Who tripped over a four-leaf clover.                        
He landed on Mary,                                          
The lass from the dairy,                                    
And that's when Spring fever took over.                     
                                                            
28302 FOREPLAY - MALE                McCloo                   



Big Mama, tell me what you want;                            
A lick or a tickle, a taunt?                                
A deep slow massage,                                        
Then back to my lodge                                       
For a wonderful creme-filled croissant!                     
                                                            
28303 FOREPLAY - MALE                Coolbreeze               



A hoodlum took out a tough bit,                             
And by her, surprisingly got hit.                           
He sneered, "What's the catch?                              
I just felt ya snatch."                                     
"You jerk," she replied, "first the tit."                   
                                                            
28304 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    G2678



Whenever the chance of love beckons,                        
"I'd best do some foreplay", I reckons.                     
Try billing and cooing                                      
And such tender wooing...                                   
I once did that more than five seconds!                     
                                                            
28305 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



An entire five complete seconds?                            
Don't waste much time when your lust beckons!               
That's one bill and coo                                     
And half of a woo --                                        
That's pretty darn shabby I reckons.                        
                                                            
28306 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Bill maintains that he isn't inclined,                      
To value a girl for her mind.                               
But to help him get in,                                     
He will do that and grin,                                   
Though he'd rather admire her behind.                       
                                                            
28307 FOREPLAY - MALE                Isaac Asimov             



How nice it feels, John, your finger's                      
Touching my mound, now it lingers                           
Close to my clit;                                           
Playing with it,                                            
Making it throb for your stinger.                           
                                                            
28308 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



I dare not do very much more                                
Than just nuzzle and gently explore.                        
I don't think I'd cope                                      
With much more than a grope,                                
For I'd faint with excitement, I'm sure.                    
                                                            
28309 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Cape Hatteras,                   
When he saw a girl, first he would pat her ass,             
Then strip her chemise                                      
From her tits to her knees,                                 
And at last let his weapon get at her ass.                  
                                                            
28310 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    G0544



Our illustrious CEO Ed,                                     
Always chants when he gets into bed.                        
"I'll grow by one half,                                     
It will beef up my staff,                                   
Let's get down (to business), 'nuf said."                   
                                                            
28311 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



There once was a man named McGruder,                        
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.                         
But the girl thought it crude                               
To be wooed in the nude,                                    
So McGru took and oar and subduder.                         
(...got ruder and screwed her.)                             
28312 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Young lady, please pardon my stare;                         
Your pussy is sweet and so fair!                            
Your ass is great too,                                      
And if we should screw,                                     
You also sport a great pair!                                
                                                            
28313 FOREPLAY - MALE                Little Richard           



Oh Eunice, I'll soon have you dripping                      
And wetter than when you're sheep-dipping.                  
When I start to nibble,                                     
You won't drool but dribble,                                
Then into your tail I'll be ripping.                        
                                                            
28314 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Of course 'twould be quite true to say,                     
This strapping lad's into foreplay;                         
You won't need a strap,                                     
For  only  the  clap                                        
Can keep me from coming your way.                           
                                                            
28315 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



There was a young fellow named Charteris,                   
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.              
She said, "I don't mind,                                    
Up higher you'll find,                                      
The place where my pisser and farter is."                   
                                                            
28316 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    L0017



Each maid that this fellow would hire,                      
The first thing, politely he'd "Hi" her,                    
Then eye her her toes,                                      
Then up his eye goes.                                       
Then hire if happy when higher.                             
                                                            
28317 FOREPLAY - MALE                Irving Superior     P9408



Your knowledge of women is vast --                          
Nice and easy will just make it last --                     
But when desire's strong,                                   
Foreplay takes too long --                                  
Make it hot, and hard, and fast!                            
                                                            
28318 FOREPLAY - MALE                Kaylin Brandon           



My darling, 'tis you I desire;                              
You're sending my blood-pressure higher.                    
Just know you're to blame,                                  
If my torch should flame,                                   
And cause an unwanted bush fire.                            
                                                            
28319 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



There was a young lady named Lynch                          
Who would not give in -- not an inch --                     
Till a fellow named Grable                                  
Fucked her twice 'neath the table,                          
And he started it all with a pinch.                         
                                                            
28320 FOREPLAY - MALE                Albin Chaplin   3024-0248



Discreetly through holes in this sheet                      
Poke various pieces of meat;                                
So blindfold, come kneel,                                   
All you girls, have a feel,                                 
And with luck you'll be in for a treat.                     
                                                            
28321 FOREPLAY - MALE                Peter Wilkins            



No no, Sadie dear, that's me toe;                           
And that there's a finger, young Flo.                       
And sat on me nose,                                         
I suppose, is old Rose;                                     
I can tell from the smell, don't ya know.                   
                                                            
28322 FOREPLAY - MALE                Peter Wilkins            



Oh Sue, the short straw you have drawn;                     
A Chinese concoction of prawn;                              
A jokey spring roll,                                        
I've done poked through that hole,                          
And .. oh yes!  That's the jackpot, sweet Dawn!             
                                                            
28323 FOREPLAY - MALE                Peter Wilkins            



There was a young girl from Annister,                       
Who dated a lecherous mister.                               
He fondled her titty,                                       
Got one finger shitty,                                      
Then screwed up his courage and kissed her.                 
                                                            
28324 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    G0006



Candy's dandy, they say, but I snicker                      
At those who say liquor is quicker;                         
A quick lick of my Candy                                    
Does the trick when I'm randy                               
Much quicker than candy or liquor.                          
                                                            
28325 FOREPLAY - MALE                John Miller 0141         



Come here next to me, take your ease.                       
I know what to do, it will please.                          
Lay there, now hush,                                        
I don't want to rush,                                       
You'll like this, I do guarantee.                           
                                                            
28326 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



On your neck I'll begin to caress;                          
With my fingers I'will lightly press.                       
In a circular motion,                                       
I'll make a love potion,                                    
And relieve your body of stress.                            
                                                            
28327 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Down your back, my fingers begin,                           
To press harder there on your skin.                         
Did I hear a moan?                                          
You're not alone.                                           
This feels too good; must be a sin.                         
                                                            
28328 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Lower and lower down your back.                             
Up and down to your crack.                                  
Lay there; be still.                                        
Or I might, yes I will,                                     
Give your cute ass a nice little smack.                     
                                                            
28329 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



To your head and down to your toes,                         
You'll feel the warmth from me flow.                        
And when I am done,                                         
You'll wonder, hon,                                         
If you ever want me to go.                                  
                                                            
28330 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Your breathing is slow and steady.                          
Are you asleep already?                                     
No, I don't think so,                                       
You're smiling, I know.                                     
Roll over. It's time for some heady.                        
                                                            
28331 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



My Sweet, your thigh muscles are tight;                     
I may have to rub them all night.                           
Will you mind very much                                     
My massage oil's touch,                                     
Or an occasional, affectionate bite?                        
                                                            
28332 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a lewd fellow named Mott,                         
Who remarked, as he fingered a twat:                        
"Some guys, so I'm told,                                    
Like to lay a girl cold,                                    
But they're more fun to fuck when they're hot!"             
                                                            
28333 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    G2431



There once was a man named Raus,                            
Had one hell of an ugly spouse.                             
A bag on her head                                           
When going to bed,                                          
And a sex magazine just to arouse.                          
                                                            
28334 FOREPLAY - MALE                Chaine J. Selig          



An insatiable damsel named Bridget                          
Was likely to mutter and fidget,                            
Whenever some jerk            (Whenever some pup)           
Couln't manage to work        (Couldn't seem to work up)    
Up a quick enough rise to the rigid.                        
                                                            
28335 FOREPLAY - MALE                Isaac Asimov             



Upon my poor soul cast thy pity!                            
Oh, fear! daylight dawns o'er the city!                     
I've farspent the night                                     
On foreplay quite trite;                                    
My cock cameth not suckling titty!                          
                                                            
28336 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



There once was a girl from Paducah,                         
Who said, "Though this guy's a palooka,                     
I can really get hot                                        
When he finds the right spot,                               
And kisses and nibbles my nucha.      (nape of the neck)    
                                                            
28337 FOREPLAY - MALE                Ed Potts            P8801



This man was so horny it hurt!                              
At dinner put his wife on alert.                            
"For my entree instead,                                     
I'll fuck you on the bed,                                   
Then have oral sex for dessert.                             
                                                            
28338 FOREPLAY - MALE                Laurence Craft           



Being on June twenty-three,                                 
What more pleasure can this fellow see,                     
Than to sit by the fire                                     
With his heart's desire,                                    
Jug of punch, favorite wench, sure and me!                  
                                                            
28339 FOREPLAY - MALE                Matthew Montchalin       



There was a young fellow from Stroud,                       
Who was feeling his girl in a crowd.                        
A fellow up front                                           
Said, "Hmmmm...Smell a cunt."                               
Just like that, very soft, not too loud.                    
                                                            
28340 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Women? I love them when ripping                             
Their panties apart while unzipping                         
My trousers to show                                         
What I have down below,                                     
'Cause it soon gets them panting and dripping.              
                                                            
28341 FOREPLAY - MALE                Peter W                  



And when I have finished with stripping 'em,                
I love to continue by flipping 'em                          
On to their backs                                           
While I fondle their cracks.                                
(You can guess what I'm thinking of slipping 'em.)          
                                                            
28342 FOREPLAY - MALE                Peter W                  



Oh Petal, alas and alack,                                   
I'm afraid every liquor store rack                          
Was devoid of champagne;                                    
Please forgive me again.                                    
Can I massage your shoulders and back?                      
                                                            
28343 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



A joker who haunts Monticello                               
Is a really terrible fellow.                                
In the midst of caresses,                                   
He fills ladies dresses                                     
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.                   
                                                            
28344 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    G2430



While nursing my trouser commotion,                         
I'll fondle with utter devotion                             
Your petals, just here                                      
In your panties, my dear,                                   
With a throbbing, vibrating emotion?                        
                                                            
28345 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



A nervous young virgin named Ritt,                          
Once let a young man stroke her teat.                       
She moaned and she thrashed,                                
But when his hand touched her gash,                         
She was so hot and bothered, she shit.                      
                                                            
28346 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



A handsome young boy named Pat,                             
With girls would enjoy this and that.                       
He meant to cuddle and kiss,                                
When he spoke about 'this,'                                 
Just guess what he meant by his 'that'.                     
                                                            
28347 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Fury's not found in my sounds;                              
Insteaad I refer to the mounds                              
Of snowy delight                                            
Whose tips invite                                           
That their beauty both stuns and astounds.                  
                                                            
28348 FOREPLAY - MALE                Hugh Clary               



It's possible, time on the strand                           
Has left your fair bosom well tanned,                       
And a copper-toned hue                                      
Is revealed by the view,                                    
I'm trying so hard to command.                              
                                                            
28349 FOREPLAY - MALE                Hugh Clary               



Whichever, the lure is as fetching                          
As a maid in a Titian nude etching,                         
And even old Will                                           
Let Romeo fill                                              
Juliet by scene three in his sketching.                     
                                                            
28350 FOREPLAY - MALE                Hugh Clary               



The thought of you resting on knees,                        
Impels me the moment to seize                               
And casually mention                                        
We should pay more attention                                
To this and to that and to these.                           
                                                            
28351 FOREPLAY - MALE                Hugh Clary               



There once was a lady named Liz                             
Whose love life had started to fizz.                        
She yearned for a man,                                      
Who would not hold her hand,                                
But would tickle her fancy with his!                        
                                                            
28352 FOREPLAY - MALE                Ann Gasser          P8706



A princess who lived in a castle                            
Got into a helluva hassle                                   
With one of her knights                                     
When he grabbed at her tights--                             
A pass, she declared, much too facile.                      
                                                            
28353 FOREPLAY - MALE                Norm Storer              



There was a young lady of Wheeling                          
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.                       
But a cynic named Boris                                     
Just kissed her clitoris,                                   
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.                  
                                                            
28354 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    L1231



As he groped in the car for directions,                     
The lady proposed no objection,                             
So he laid on her lap                                       
Their stipid road map,                                      
And just turned at the next intersection.                   
                                                            
28355 FOREPLAY - MALE                Don Moore           P9012



To the cafe, Sue brought a Love Potion                      
To bring out Tim's springtime emotion.                      
He drank from his cup,                                      
Grabbed the waitress up,                                    
And pledged her undying devotion.                           
                                                            
28356 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



There's only one thing that can chamois                     
And buff up the length of jim jammy.                        
I get hot at the thought                                    
Of that velvety spot;                                       
Goin' slam and bim-bam and ka-whammy.                       
                                                            
28357 FOREPLAY - MALE                                         



Three girly-men, all dressed in leather,                    
Were following sweet little Heather.                        
They said to the girl,                                      
"Come give us a whirl,                                      
And we'll tickle your ass with a feather!"                  
                                                            
28358 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named James                         
Who liked to play games with the dames,                     
But the dames all despised                                  
the games James devised,                                    
And they ended up calling him names.                        
                                                            
28359 FOREPLAY - MALE                Layne                    



"Nope, want to use one of my own",                          
Said the guy to the chick who lay prone.                    
"Sure your dildo is bigger                                  
But the way that I figger...                                
You can save that for sex on the phone!"                    
                                                            
28360 FOREPLAY - MALE                Jim Weaver Collection    



In Chicago a lady named Anna                                
On her torso wore just a bandanna.                          
When she met some Fith Liners,    (Upon meeting some satyrs)
(They're much worse than Shriners),(To whom only sex matters
She was last seen sprinting through Montana.                
(Fifth Liners - limerick society in New York City)          
28361 FOREPLAY - MALE                                    G0502



With excitement I fainted last night;                       
Then I woke up today to the sight                           
Of you looking bereft;                                      
But I fondled your cleft;                                   
So my lover, you'll soon be alright.                        
                                                            
28362 FOREPLAY - MALE                PeterW                   



There was a young woman named Annie,                        
With erogenous zones in each cranny.                        
She found this was so,                                      
With the help of her beau,                                  
Who explored her from forehead to fanny.                    
                                                            
28363 FOREPLAY - MALE                Isaac Asimov             



While fingering Ms. Tif at the flicks,                      
(A small blanket covered our tricks),                       
She let out a cry;                                          
"We're coming! Oh my!"                                      
'Twas she and the two actors pricks!                        
                                                            
28364 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              H WHELCHEL               



You must be as quiet as a mouse,                            
While we snuggle, unbutton my blouse,                       
And what's in your pants                                    
Surely will dance,                                          
As I rub you and get you aroused.                           
                                                            
28365 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Arden                    



There's nothing like sex in the seats,                      
All sticky with butter and sweets.                          
Adding some spunk                                           
Will mellow the funk                                        
I smell, as I tickle your teats.                            
                                                            
28366 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              H WHELCHEL               



Who's that up there on the scren?                           
Is that your favorite porn queen?                           
Damned if that stud                                         
Don't look like you, Bud,                                   
As into the camera you lean.                                
                                                            
28367 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Arden                    



My God what a glorious schlong!                             
It's thick as her wrist and quite long!                     
I remember those tones:                                     
Her squeals and her moans.                                  
Yes dear, 'tis I. You're not wrong!                         
                                                            
28368 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              H WHELCHEL               



Let's cuddle up, hand upon crotch.                          
Both movie and mammaries I'll watch.                        
Just coddle my wurst --                                     
We'll see who comes first:                                  
The screen actors, me, or your snotch.                      
                                                            
28369 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              H WHELCHEL               



He played show and tell with his Pam.                       
He showed her what looked like a yam.                       
Then quickly said she,                                      
"This came from the sea",                                   
And she show him her bearded clam.                          
(To hunt the bearded clam use a trouser worm for bait - McW)
28370 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Al Willis                



Molluscs hirsute cause me grief.                            
I picture a different motif.                                
I mean no dirision,                                         
But I'd sooner envision                                     
The paintings of Georgia O'Keefe.                           
                                                            
28371 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Irish                    



Explicitly vulgar you're not                                
(Though I tickle your G-spot a lot).                        
And your intimate questions                                 
And subtle suggestions,                                     
Leave both of us panting and hot.                           
                                                            
28372 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



I caught a sight of your left peak;                         
You didn't mind me having a peek.                           
But was it what next                                        
I did to your neck,                                         
That made you leave in a pique?                             
                                                            
28373 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Archie                   



At times the PICKER and PICKEE                              
Look almost the same thing to me.                           
Be they limerick checker                                    
Or picker of pecker,                                        
CheckER should be checked by checkEE.                       
                                                            
28374 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              MrMalo                   



I embraced on my pristine clean sheets,                     
A passionate lady who meets                                 
My requirements for size,                                   
Heavy bosom, big thighs,                                    
And two merry cherries for teats.                           
                                                            
28375 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Prof                     



My Jockey shorts lay on my blanket;                         
We opened a bottle, then drank it.                          
And while we caroused,                                      
Those silk panties aroused                                  
Big johnson (she started to wank it).                       
                                                            
28376 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Prof                     



Her bare belly started to rock;                             
I could not keep control of my cock.                        
My conscience, it left                                      
As with movement quite deft,                                
And I finally entered her dock.                             
                                                            
28377 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Prof                     



I know you want more than just nixplay;                     
So come and see how all my tricksplay,                      
It's only just games,                                       
But defies all the names,                                   
And is often referred to as sexplay.                        
                                                            
28378 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



To stimulate sexual areas                                   
Dr. Ruth offers Stimuli Various.                            
You'll eventually find                                      
It's all in your mind,                                      
And sex on TV is vicarious.                                 
                                                            
28379 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Jay Marshall        P8607



An old British couple named Jones,                          
Who wearied of kippers and scones,                          
Turned to dishes exotic,                                    
Smoked a Chinese narcotic,                                  
And explored their erogenous zones.                         
                                                            
28380 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



Dejected and limp was young Morse,                          
And his girl was left full of remorse.                      
They confined their maneuvers                               
For so long to hors d'oeuvres,                              
That he failed when they tried the main course.             
                                                            
28381 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0138



An African hunter named Pete                                
Would often play Lion with his sweet.                       
He requested she prowl                                      
On her knees, with a growl,                                 
Then proceeded to throw her the meat.                       
                                                            
28382 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0291



That's okay if you just want to pout,                       
While you suck on the pole of this lout.                    
Then after a lick                                           
Or two on my dick,                                          
I know that those tits will pop out.                        
                                                            
28383 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



So welcome to game 24;                                      
You're ready already I'm sure.                              
Strip down to your scanties                                 
And (no need for panties)                                   
Get down on all fours on the floor.                         
                                                            
28384 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Peter Wilkins            



Now brace yourself, Carol my sweet,                         
For 10 solid inches of meat.                                
You ready?  <Kerwham!>                                      
Humpty-rumpty! Wham-bam!!                                   
Slide it out>  Do ya wanna re-peat?                         
                                                            
28385 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Peter Wilkins            



I'm sure glad that you overcame,                            
Your fear of sex, women and shame;                          
And are free to enjoy,                                      
Those in your employ.                                       
For 24, please add my name.                                 
                                                            
28386 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Carol                    



Though barely did I just survive,                           
Game 24...I am alive.                                       
So a re-peat type screw,                                    
Sounds great; so please do,                                 
Invite me to game 25.                                       
                                                            
28387 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Carol                    



Your pussy and nips are a treat;                            
In fact all of your body is sweet.                          
I've been missing your bosoms;                              
My favourite Wuzzums,                                       
So stay here and play with my meat.                         
                                                            
28388 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



In these deep woods we'll wander like thieves;              
I've a special plan right up my sleeves;                    
Where some sun hits the ground,                             
We will both dance around;                                  
Oh, my love, we'll just wear big green leaves!              
                                                            
28389 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Allen Wolverton          



The sea sparkles; the air's getting hotter;                 
You are looking like Venus's daughter;                      
Let's go drop off our duds;                                 
(I might peek at your buds)                                 
Then we'll skinny-dip in that blue water!                   
                                                            
28390 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Allen Wolverton          



Through the wildflower meadow, we'll run;                   
Let's be quick, get our clothing undone!                    
Underneath the bright sky,                                  
We will not be shy,                                         
We'll make love 'neath that warm, yellow sun!               
                                                            
28391 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Allen Wolverton          



Sunset's ended a great afternoon,                           
And it's gonna get dark pretty soon;                        
Love, let's tarry a while,                                  
And assume doggie style,                                    
As we howl at that big old white moon!                      
                                                            
28392 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Allen Wolverton          



Shall we wrap up your cock in a tether,                     
And then tickle your balls with a feather??                 
If that pleases you,                                        
We'll proceed to Step Two:                                  
A technique I call "Hell-Bent for Leather."                 
                                                            
28393 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Robin K. Willoughby P8710



She said, "It's been many a day                             
Since we had a roll in the hay.                             
What I want from you                                        
Is another good screw,                                      
But this time, let's have some foreplay.                    
                                                            
28394 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



"Mr. Jones," said Miss Smith, "is quite rude,               
Impolite and a boor, even lewd.                             
But I wonder," said she,                                    
"If perhaps he'd be free                                    
To discuss it with me in the nude?"                         
                                                            
28395 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              John Miller 0053         



"Miss Smith, I am told, is a prude,"                        
Said John Jones, "even vulgar and crude,                    
But just to do good                                         
I'll meet her in the wood..."                               
I'll leave you to guess what ensued.                        
                                                            
28396 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              John Miller 0053a        



"Oh play with my what-not."  "Your what?"                   
"You know what."  "You know what? I do not.                 
What the hell is your what-not?"                            
"A thing for your hot-spot."                                
(Oh dear; am I losing the plot?)                            
                                                            
28397 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



I have to admit and confess                                 
That I often prefer a caress                                
To a hot sex night;                                         
It's a dreamy delight                                       
And relieves me of work-a-day stress.                       
                                                            
28398 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Peter Wilkins            



Though foreplay is wonderful stuff,                         
There are times I don't want the kerfluff.                  
When horny as hell,                                         
I like plumbing a well                                      
Prepared wet, yet unsatisfied muff.                         
                                                            
28399 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Peter Wilkins            



When kissing my love's labial blush,                        
So fragrant, so pink...I'll not rush...                     
If you haven't the time                                     
For foreplay sublime,                                       
Wank in the loo, then just flush.                           
                                                            
28400 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Tutta Gioia              



I agree with you but it is tricky;                          
With both lovers horny and sticky                           
And limited time                                            
For the passion sublime,                                    
There is nothing as good as a quickie.                      
                                                            
28401 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Peter Wilkins            



Said a constable stern, on his beat,                        
To a couple more fond than discreet:                        
"Though a Miss miss a kiss,                                 
Give the next kiss a 'miss',                                
For a kiss is amiss in the street."                         
                                                            
28402 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



In days of my youth I could sprint                          
And sex was no more than a stint.                           
But sadly today,                                            
There's lots of foreplay                                    
Before I can go "in like Flint."                            
                                                            
28403 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



Of all ancient puzzles that vex                             
One causes the greatest perplex:                            
Why can't we rise above,                                    
She with sex getting love,                                  
And he using love to get sex?                               
                                                            
28404 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Bob Giandomenico    P9102



In a Michigan town, Bunny Run,               (MI)           
There's a game that they play just for fun.                 
They leapfrog at night                                      
Which tends to excite,                                      
And many a girl there's undone.                             
                                                            
28405 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Allan Ottley        P8805



Oh, that slit in that gown's at your thigh;                 
And my hand, I'll sneak in, bye and bye;                    
Love, you're giving me fits,                                
'Cause your two perky tits                                  
At your neckline, are teasing my eye!                       
                                                            
28406 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



I dunno, what's that flick on the screen;                   
Is my hand at your thighs, in between?                      
With my head on your shoulder,                              
I'm getting much bolder;                                    
Your nipples will soon be licked clean!                     
                                                            
28407 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



Show is over; my hands on your thighs                       
Must pull back, but they know where's the prize;            
When we get to our den,                                     
We will start once again;                                   
We'll go nuts 'til the sun starts to rise!                  
                                                            
28408 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



On my shoulder here, love, lay your head;                   
While your hands 'tween my thighs, that are spread.         
Don't care 'bout that show;                                 
I feel such a glow;                                         
Don't think anything needs to be said!                      
                                                            
28409 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



On my cleavage, your breath is so hot;                      
To move now, oh no, I think not;                            
Their rise and their fall,                                  
Yes, love heeds the call,                                   
Remember that night on the Yacht?                           
                                                            
28410 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



Her eyes were as blue as the ocean.                         
They filled me with such an emotion.                        
I asked, "What's your name?"                                
She asked me the same.                                      
Seems we shared the same naughty notion.                    
                                                            
28411 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              M. D. McFarland          



There was an old couple of Seevile                          
Whose habits were all quite medieval.                       
They would strip to the skin,                               
Then each take a pin                                        
And pick lint from the other one's navel.                   
                                                            
28412 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                  G2496



There was a young lady named Shirring,                      
Who started a-trembling and purring.                        
Said the man, "Are you ready?"                              
She replied, "Not yet, Freddie.                             
I believe I still need some more stirring."                 
                                                            
28413 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                  G2205



If the powers that be, got you rockin',                     
And bobbin' and bouncin' and knockin',                      
40 minutes of fun,                                          
And we ain't yet begun,                                     
'Cause I haven't got one inch of cock in.                   
                                                            
28414 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



I could gaze at your beautiful bower                        
For a year and a half, but an hour                          
Is enough for my spear.                                     
(Fondle gently my dear                                      
For we don't want a premature shower.)                      
                                                            
28415 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



They waltzed to the music of Strauss,                       
Filled with pride, it expanded her blouse.                  
The effect was inspiring;                                   
Caused glances admiring.                                    
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
28416 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Jane D. Hughes      P9009



There once were two young people of taste,                  
Who were beautiful down to the waist.                       
So they limited love                                        
To the regions above,                                       
And thus remained perfectly chaste.                         
                                                            
28417 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              M Curtis(Untermeyer)G2527



I know a sweet girl who was chased                          
Through the meadow and then was unlaced.                    
She was caught by a gent                                    
Who now pays her rent,                                      
But before she was caught, she was chaste.                  
                                                            
28418 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



Sexuality is the human fate,                                
As they preen and they search for a mate.                   
The flesh is not weak,                                      
As they insatiably seek                                     
The final act on every date.                                
                                                            
28419 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Joe the Jester           



My flesh is not weak; Hell man, No!                         
It's hardening, starting to grow.                           
It gets so very strong,                                     
That my big long dong                                       
Can haul quite a few chicks in tow.                         
                                                            
28420 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Nik Synytskyy            



When she felt his hands touching her knees,                 
The girl, to her lover, said, "Please                       
When you've finished down there,                            
Would you kindly take care,                                 
First of this, next of that, then of these?"                
                                                            
28421 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Barrie Collins      T9511



A game-minded fellow named Pete                             
Played games such as lion with his sweet.                   
She would prowl on her knees                                
And would growl, if you please,                             
After which he would throw her the meat                     
                                                            
28422 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Albin Chaplin Appeal  205



There once was a plumber hirsute;                           
Girls thought him exceedingly cute.                         
When their passionate sighs                                 
Met his questioning eyes,                                   
They joined through the regular route.                      
                                                            
28423 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              James M. Menger     P9311



Desspite her poor looks and dull wit,                       
Aunt Helena made quite a hit                                
At last evening's soirie                                    
With Monsieur de Barray,                                    
Who had drunk more than he would admit.                     
                                                            
28424 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Paul M Hoffman           



Share your toys, we were told, it's expected;               
And selfishness must be rejected.                           
So we let our friends play,                                 
Till we learned the hard way,                               
That the toys in our pants were excepted.                   
                                                            
28425 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Larry Beezley            



Each night the young girls of Plain Dealing   (LA)          
Are out in the park dishabille-ing.                         
And all the young men                                       
With an obvious yen                                         
Arouse lots of squealing and feeling.                       
                                                            
28426 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Allan Ottley        P8805



There can be no doubt that Rebecca,                         
For me, is a true lover's Mecca!                            
She will dress up and play,                                 
Groan, moan and sashay --                                   
Her juice tastes just like licca.                           
                                                            
28427 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Richard Wall             



A cuddly young creature named Cupp,                         
In bed with me feeling her up,                              
Said: "Man, you're a dinger                                 
At playing stinkfinger,                                     
But I'm past that since Heck was a pup!"                    
                                                            
28428 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Grand Prix Lim  483 G2112



A man and his wife at Melliter,                             
Were sparking inside their bed-sitter;                      
There was no suspicion                                      
Of faulty ignition,                                         
For he was a competent fitter.                              
                                                            
28429 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Harold C Bibby      P9710



Was hoping for a tickle and slap,                           
Wink, wiggle and moan in a lap.                             
To bounce up and slide                                      
Down low to provide                                         
For whatever that I might unwrap.                           
                                                            
28430 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



Been keeping her busy, my dear.                             
Their auntie, girls love, it is clear.                      
Her boss is a louse.                                        
We've looked for a house.                                   
No sleeping allowed around here.                            
                                                            
28431 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



It's hard to talk dirty you know.                           
My big sister is watching this show.                        
She might tell my Mom.                                      
Oh, what a big bomb.                                        
Embarassment makes my face glow.                            
                                                            
28432 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



But we men are always the same,                             
Just looking to fuck every dame.                            
And we never brood                                          
About being so crude --                                     
PC's out the door in this game.                             
                                                            
28433 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL                                       



Sir Reginald Tipton Delancy                                 
Fell in love with a cutie named Nancy;                      
When she sat by his side,                                   
She tickled his pride,                                      
And Reginald tickled her fancy.                             
                                                            
28434 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Limber Limericks    P9701



When I was just learning to read,                           
A torch 'neath the covers I'd need.                         
The words were exciting                                     
And books were inviting --                                  
Of limericks, these were the seed!                          
                                                            
28435 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Archie                   



But now I am grown and now old;                             
Those covers are still for the bold.                        
We'll snuggle rught under,                                  
(God, where's the guzunder)                                 
Please wait, I'll just put you on hold!                     
                                                            
28436 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Archie                   



From the time that he started to woo,                       
She did as he asked her to do:                              
With a sway of her hips                                     
She offered her lips.                                       
She gave what he wanted (1- her to, 2- her two, 3- her too) 
                                                            
28437 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Lance Payne         P8405



Some girls get unduly suspicious                            
When you paw at their corpus delicious.                     
They claim it's just rudeness,                              
When really it's lewdness,                                  
And your intentions are wholly lubricious.                  
(lubricious - sexually stimulating)                         
28438 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Grand Prix Lim  549 G0195



An aunt who just turned eighty-nine                         
Assures us her social life's fine.                          
The sole problem of late                                    
For both her and her date                                   
Is that age-old one, "Your place or mine?"                  
                                                            
28439 FOREPLAY - MUTUAL              Evelyn Bogen        P9605



A Wibblie Wobblie Wub                                       
Went for a rub in the tub.                                  
He went totally spare                                       
'Cause no one was there.                                    
What a lonely rub a dub dub.                                
                                                            
28440 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



I'll get down on my hands and knees,                        
And wiggle my ass for a tease.                              
And hon, have no fear,                                      
As you slide your dick near;                                
That bath rid me of all those fleas.                        
                                                            
28441 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



At Harrison Hot Springs, my daughter                        
The rich come to bathe in hot water.                        
But I know very well                                        
In that famous hotel,                                       
That the springs in the bedrooms get hotter!                
                                                            
28442 FOREPLAY - WATER               John E Mayhood      P0010



My big bubble-bath tub's set to go,                         
But my Sweet Thing, I fear's a no-show.                     
I had hoped for slick strokes,                              
As the pair of us soaks,                                    
And we'd both give the blues the heave-ho!                  
                                                            
28443 FOREPLAY - WATER               Allen Wolverton          



Want a slippery skin-to-skin cruise?                        
Forget it!  No aaah's or soft oooh's.                       
Pull the plug; flush the foam;                              
The night's shot; pull the bone!                            
I've been left with the bubble bath blues!                  
                                                            
28444 FOREPLAY - WATER               Allen Wolverton          



Ardor's chilled out; to bed I will crawl;                   
And tomorrow, I'll hopefully call;                          
If I don't get good news,                                   
Hello, bubble bath blues;                                   
Guess I'll go buy a foam-rubber doll!                       
                                                            
28445 FOREPLAY - WATER               Allen Wolverton          



Hello there pun-dendable flower!                            
I'm thrilled by your mention of shower.                     
Am I to construe                                            
The shower's for two,                                       
And am I to be charged by the hour?                         
                                                            
28446 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



At the market I spied Pastor Ware,                          
With nineteen jugs of milk, I do swear.                     
He had spared no expense;                                   
He was fidgety, tense;.                                     
In his tub at home, Colbert was there.                      
                                                            
28447 FOREPLAY - WATER               Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



You knead me in all the right places.                       
(The kitchen, the bed, the staircases).                     
But my favourite hour                                       
Is one in your shower,                                      
Where we cover all of the bases.                            
                                                            
28448 FOREPLAY - WATER               Jim Weaver Collection    



We went out last night hunting worms;                       
We wanted the big kind that squirms.                        
We were going fishing                                       
But I kept on wishing                                       
That we could, instead, discuss sperms.                     
                                                            
28449 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



I'm bathing in oil -- care to join me?                      
It will be lots of fun, slick and slippery.                 
It may get quite hot,                                       
If you find the right spot.                                 
If not, I will show you most happily.                       
                                                            
28450 FOREPLAY - WATER               Jim Weaver Collection    



We once knew a floozy named Suzy --                         
She spent all day in the Jacuzzi;                           
Said "It wrinkles my skin,                                  
But it sure makes me grin,                                  
And makes me feel all warm and oozy."                       
                                                            
28451 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



Up here in my bathroom is Susie,                            
A temptingly wicked young floozy,                           
With wide open thighs                                       
And glazed look in her eyes;                                
Having fun in my whirlpool jacuzzi.                         
                                                            
28452 FOREPLAY - WATER               Peter Wilkins            



She hasn't quite noticed me yet,                            
As she plays with the bubbly jet;                           
But it's time I got in,                                     
With her, up to my chin,                                    
For I'm sure breaking out in a sweat.                       
                                                            
28453 FOREPLAY - WATER               Peter Wilkins            



I'll relieve you, my lonely sweet thing;                    
I will join you, and comfort I'll bring;                    
If we both rub-a-dub,                                       
In a nice, sudsy tub,                                       
We will leave a magnificent ring.                           
                                                            
28454 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



For eight weeks we've gotten no rain;                       
I've tried to grow veggies in vain.                         
Not even a weed.                                            
In my garden, I need                                        
That naked rain dancer again.                               
                                                            
28455 FOREPLAY - WATER               Carol                    



As rain daincer, I've done the job,                         
But I've had to quit because, (sob)                         
It made me a wreck;                                         
I near broke my neck;                                       
I kept tripping over my knob.                               
                                                            
28456 FOREPLAY - WATER               Tiddy Ogg                



If the two of us shed our clothes,                          
And naked rain dance, your long hose                        
Would not only get                                          
My garden all wet,                                          
But also my little pink rose.                               
                                                            
28457 FOREPLAY - WATER               Carol                    



Like John Thomas and sweet Lady Jane,                       
You'd cavort in the warm springtime rain?                   
Take care when you wrassle                                  
In mud, lest your assle                                     
And twat get all gunked -- what a pain!                     
                                                            
28458 FOREPLAY - WATER               Allen Wolverton          



The Susquahana's three feet low;                            
The Conowingo Dam has no flow.                              
The water supply                                            
Will soon be all dry.                                       
There ain't one mud pie left to throw.                      
                                                            
28459 FOREPLAY - WATER               Carol                    



Here, Glasgow and Durham have floods,                       
So Carol, we'll find you some mud,                          
In which your sweet pie                                     
Won't feel quite so dry,                                    
When prodded by some randy stud.                            
                                                            
28460 FOREPLAY - WATER               Tiddy Ogg                



The rain's beating down with a thud                         
Here and turning the earth into mud,                        
In which Carol could roll,                                  
And the thought, 'pon my soul,                              
Is quite raising my pressure of blood.                      
                                                            
28461 FOREPLAY - WATER               Peter Wilkins            



I'll roll in the mud, front and back,                       
To get a full body mud pack,                                
And splash all around                                       
'Til you hose me down,                                      
And get the mud out of my crack.                            
                                                            
28462 FOREPLAY - WATER               Carol                    



Like most men, I love sporty girls;                         
I've sailed on the Solyent with Shirl.                      
Hacked horses with Hattie,                                  
Plumbed pot-holes with Patti,                               
But best is mud-wrestling with Pearl.                       
                                                            
28463 FOREPLAY - WATER               Tiddy                    



People might as well wish                                   
They had equipment like a fish.                             
You could get a good rub,                                   
While floating in a tub,                                    
But the guy'd have to be quite a dish!                      
                                                            
28464 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



There was a girl in the bathtub,                            
Who said "Come on in for a scrub.                           
The water is hot,                                           
And I'll show you the spot                                  
You're welcome to rub-a-dub-dub."                           
                                                            
28465 FOREPLAY - WATER               Jim Weaver Collection    



I plunged the cold depths of Loch Nevis                     
And surfacing spied a nude Scots miss.                      
Milky limbs so sublime,                                     
Young breasts in their prime...                             
I dove to caress her sweet crevice.                         
                                                            
28466 FOREPLAY - WATER               TuttaGioia               



Sex in the shower was grand;                                
His every wish was my command --                            
For leverage I clung                                        
To the towel rack that hung                                 
On the wall, but it broke in my hand.                       
                                                            
28467 FOREPLAY - WATER               Kaylin                   



Be both ended up on the floor;                              
My body was so bruised and sore.                            
I said "Leave me alone,                                     
I've broken my tail bone!"                                  
But that idiot still wanted more!                           
                                                            
28468 FOREPLAY - WATER               Kaylin                   



In Melbourne the lack of gas power                          
Has prevented much sex in the shower.                       
Now it's back!  Come on baby!                               
No need to say maybe!                                       
Let's do it for hour after hour!                            
                                                            
28469 FOREPLAY - WATER               Mike Dale                



I'll give you a sudsy massage;                              
You'll guide the tactile entourage;                         
With hope in your soul                                      
And soap in your hole,                                      
Prepare for a holy barrage.                                 
                                                            
28470 FOREPLAY - WATER               Jim Weaver Collection    



How lucky the warm shower water,                            
Caressing McCarraher's daughter;                            
In each secret cranny                                       
And nook of young Annie,                                    
Where, if there were justice, I oughter.                    
                                                            
28471 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



I do love a romp in the shower                              
With your extended hollyhock flower;                        
Your wet, slippery bod,                                     
And that length of hot rod,                                 
That I just cannot wait to devour.                          
                                                            
28472 FOREPLAY - WATER               Jim Weaver Collection    



Darling wife, analyzing the water,                          
Stuck her hand in, something caught her.                    
She thought it might bite.                                  
It caused her a fright,                                     
Thought I put in what I hadn't oughter.                     
                                                            
28473 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



I'm having a memorable ride                                 
As I'm rushed on my raft with the tide                      
And I'm starting to get                                     
A little bit wet,                                           
But that's 'cause of you, I'll confide.                     
                                                            
28474 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



As I ride down the river on waves,                          
It's you that my body still craves.                         
And though a bit tired                                      
Of travel, I'm wired --                                     
Thoughts of you my heart now enslaves.                      
                                                            
28475 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



Just reached a rough bend in the river;                     
The sight ahead just sent a shiver                          
Up and down my spine,                                       
Because it seems I'm                                        
Heading for the falls as I quiver.                          
                                                            
28476 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



I'm glad I have time to prepare                             
For what's going on just up there;                          
A very long drop                                            
From here at the top;                                       
I've stopped at the bend, don't despair.                    
                                                            
28477 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



I've climbed off the raft now you see;                      
For there is the gear left for me,                          
Right here on the shore,                                    
And now what's in store                                     
Is to jump and to soar feeling free.                        
                                                            
28478 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



The air rushing round as I fly                              
Out over the falls so that I                                
Can get down there fast;                                    
How many have crashed                                       
On the rocks down below?  Did they die?                     
                                                            
28479 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



Lay back in the bath, close your eyes,                      
While I slowly massage your thighs.                         
My hands will caress,                                       
Every inch with finesse,                                    
'Til your passion gives way to a rise.                      
                                                            
28480 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



What a fine bathside manner thou hath;                      
My loins are ablaze with great wrath.                       
Your skillful finesse                                       
As done nothing less...                                     
Than lifted my thighs out the bath.                         
                                                            
28481 FOREPLAY - WATER                                        



There once was a woman named June                           
Who got into the tub around noon;                           
She emerged around three,                                   
Just as clean as can be,                                    
With her skin wrinkled up like a prune.                     
                                                            
28482 FOREPLAY - WATER               Cap'n Bean          P0209



Of Boston I sing a sweet ditty:                             
Hub of culture and learning, great city!                    
And sidewalk cafes                                          
For pastries and teas,                                      
But I don't like croissants 'a la gritty!'                  
                                                            
28483 GOURMETS                       The Weaver Collection    



I saw all the food I could wish                             
From pork chops to a kosher knish.                          
But what is it to me?                                       
It was all on TV;                                           
In my hands just a satelite dish.                           
                                                            
28484 GOURMETS                       Phil T                   



There's a whimsical fellow in Deal                          
Who barks for his food like a seal;                         
Says his wife, with a sniff:                                
"'Twould be funnier, if                                     
He'd skip an occasional meal!"                              
                                                            
28485 GOURMETS                       Morris Bishop       P8801



For love and for food it's the same:                        
If it is not messy, it's lame.                              
If the kitchen is neat                                      
When you finish your treat,                                 
You've none but yourself to blame.                          
                                                            
28486 GOURMETS                       Karen                    



Love and food are alike.                                    
If it doesn't hurt, it's not right.                         
I'm not saying a lot,                                       
Just a little too hot,                                      
And maybe a little too tight.                               
                                                            
28487 GOURMETS                       Karen                    



A knockout new restaurant reviewer,                         
Her tastebuds and visage both pure,                         
Was about on the town,                                      
And while making her rounds,                                
The heart of each chef she did skewer.                      
                                                            
28488 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



A waiter ran into the walk-in                               
And said, "Chef, there's no time for talkin'!               
The reviewer is here                                        
And she's ordered a beer.                                   
And the whole waiter staff's out there, gawkin'!"           
                                                            
28489 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



The Chef made his way to her table.                         
(Her melons were covered in sable!)                         
He said, "Madame critic,                                    
Please have some Glenfiddich,                               
And I'll make the best meal that I'm able."                 
                                                            
28490 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



He set out asparagus flan                                   
And a stunning free-range coq au vin.                       
He plied her with cider,                                    
And sat down beside her,                                    
Presenting warm, crisp tarte tatin.                         
                                                            
28491 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



She exclaimed, "What a wonderful dish!"                     
And the Chef, so emboldened by this,                        
Was so floored by her charm,                                
He took her in his arms,                                    
And leaned in to pilfer a kiss.                             
                                                            
28492 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



He'd prepared himself for a slap,                           
But instead, felt a hand in his lap!                        
What a glorious night!                                      
And with no end in sight,                                   
He dismissed his whole staff with a snap.                   
                                                            
28493 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



He remarked on her miniscule waist                          
And worshiped her radiant face;                             
So fetching was she,                                        
He fell to one knee                                         
And proposed that they be wed post-haste.                   
                                                            
28494 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



She slurred, "Chef, I am flattered and all,                 
And though I'm convinced you're a doll,                     
Many thanks for the thought,                                
But alas, I cannot --                                       
I'm afraid your cucumber's too small.                       
                                                            
28495 GOURMETS                       Niven Shaw               



Said the cross-dressing Sonny McGraw,                       
"From now on I know that I'll gnaw                          
On edible undies,                                           
But never on Sundays,                                       
Since I choked on an underwire bra."                        
                                                            
28496 GOURMETS                       Loren C Futzhugh    P9805



When you go to a store in Ascutney,                         
There is no use to ask them for chutney.                    
You may plea, you may tease,                                
You may go on your knees.                                   
It will do you no good, they ain't gotney.                  
                                                            
28497 GOURMETS                       Richard H. Field         



At the village emporium in Woodstock,                       
Of chutney they keep quite a good stock.                    
They're more given to gluttony                              
Than the folk of Ascutney                                   
Who neither of liquors or foods talk.                       
                                                            
28498 GOURMETS                       Frederick Winsor         



The fire-eater said it was play.                            
He prepared in a sensible way,                              
Had lots of rare meat                                       
And potatoes to eat,                                        
And took something for heartburn each day.                  
                                                            
28499 GOURMETS                       A. N. Wilkins       P8711



A woman flame-thrower, the rubes                            
All loved for her great set of boobs,                       
Went down on the barker                                     
Who happened to spark her,                                  
And singed off the poor barker's pubes.                     
                                                            
28500 GOURMETS                       Michael Polo        P8711



There was an Old Man of Calcutta,                           
Who perpetually ate bread and butter;                       
Till one day he tried Moppet,                               
And declared, "You can't top it!"                           
His conversion was total and utter.                         
                                                            
28501 GOURMETS                       Edwardian Leer 070       



There was a young maid from Topeka                          
Who swallowed a can of paprika;                             
They found her remains                                      
In the jungles and plains                                   
Of Costa, a suburb of Rica.                                 
                                                            
28502 GOURMETS                       William K. Alsop    P8810



A serious young lady from Wellen,                           
Took a cookery-book up Mount St Helen.                      
While reading the recipes,                                  
She fell off a precipice,                                   
And that was the end of poor Ellen.                         
                                                            
28503 GOURMETS                       C. Armstrong Gibbs       



I think this should be the last word,                       
Because it is getting absurd.                               
You should not waste your pennies                           
By going to Denny's;                                        
It's a right pile of shite, so I've heard.                  
                                                            
28504 GOURMETS                                                



The limerick doesn't like these:                            
Creamed soups, brown bread, black peas,                     
Fish bones, bear steaks,                                    
Moose meat, crab cakes,                                     
Bakes snails, steamed ants, broiled bees.                   
                                                            
28505 GOURMETS                       William K. Alsop    P8809



With strange food I have come to terms.                     
I'll eat anything if it's free of germs.                    
ESCULENT, you say?                                          
Add it to my tray!                                          
Tastes like chicken? Then it must be worms.                 
                                                            
28506 GOURMETS                       Norm                     



Said the Hermit, "I'll purchase a pair                      
Of those ESCULENT underwear,"                               
As the clerk on the phone,                                  
Emitted a moan,                                             
"Don't wrap them, I'll just eat them there!"                
                                                            
28507 GOURMETS                       Anon                     



When I went to the store to buy butter,                     
The clerks seemed to stammer and stutter,                   
And go into shock.                                          
It seems they won't stock                                   
Food whose fall from grace is so utter.                     
                                                            
28508 GOURMETS                       John Miller              



Deviled tomatoes are great;                                 
Fried in butter -- a half pound by weight --                
In a sauce of egg yolk,                                     
Which could lead to a stroke,                               
If modern-day cooks have it straight.                       
                                                            
28509 GOURMETS                       John Miller              



I don't think they do.  If they did,                        
Then Americans wouldn't have slid                           
Into such a fat state,                                      
And I'm glad to relate,                                     
I'll not eat as nutritionists bid.                          
                                                            
28510 GOURMETS                       John Miller              



I eat nothing that's "lite" or "fat free";                  
Chloresterol's nothing to me.                               
Of course I will die,                                       
But so will the guy                                         
Whose diet all comes from a tree.                           
                                                            
28511 GOURMETS                       John Miller              



I heard that old Henry from Peven-                          
Sey Bay died at age 97.                                     
His soul it did fly,                                        
Up into the sky,                                            
He found himself up there in heaven.                        
                                                            
28512 GOURMETS                                                



Saint Peter then showed him around,                         
A wonderful restaurant he found.                            
He was most impressed,                                      
For the food was the best,                                  
And many a wine glass he downed.                            
                                                            
28513 GOURMETS                                                



A frown on his face then did show;                          
He said "I'm a fool, that I know.                           
If I'd paid no heed                                         
To the food-faddists' creed,                                
This I'd have enjoyed long ago."                            
                                                            
28514 GOURMETS                                                



There was an old fellow named Skinner                       
Who drooled as he dreamed over dinner.                      
He was once heard to whine                                  
That at a quarter past nine,                                
His pigeon would turn out the winner.                       
(Take that, you son-of-a-bitch Tupper!)                     
28515 GOURMETS                       Neal Wilgus         P8507



There once was a student named Murray                       
Who had a penchant for hot curry.                           
As might be expected,                                       
His guts grew infected,                                     
And his tongue became noticably furry.                      
                                                            
28516 GOURMETS                       Emmanuel Lamprecht       



In grocery shopping each week,                              
The goal I constantly seek,                                 
Is a lower expense,                                         
For my cost is immense,                                     
But the chance for reduction looks bleak.                   
                                                            
28517 GOURMETS                       Cap'n Bean          P0104



Tomatoes, persimmons and yams,                              
Antacids, molasses and hams,                                
Spaghetti and cleaners,                                     
Granola and wieners,                                        
Pimentos and bagels and jams!                               
                                                            
28518 GOURMETS                       Cap'n Bean          P0104



There was a young man called O'Toole                        
Who, when he saw food, used to drool.                       
Pizza, mangoes, or tripe,                                   
Avocado, when ripe --                                       
Even gruel made his drool form a pool.                      
                                                            
28519 GOURMETS                       Michael Palin            



An illiterate lass from Vancouver                           
When informed it was not "Horses doover,"                   
Could not muster her nerve                                  
To request the hors d'oeuvre,                               
So had soup as a saving manoeuvre.                          
                                                            
28520 GOURMETS                       V Sinclair-Smith     107a



Don't vichysoisse me with no France;                        
All them Froggys in swishy-ass pants.                       
Their manhood degraded,                                     
Being often invaded                                         
By Germans.  Those great bon vivants.                       
                                                            
28521 GOURMETS                                                



Such an invitation, oh gosh!                                
My panties I don't have to wash.                            
Just send them to Peter,                                    
That old pumpkin eater,                                     
So he can have his little nosh!                             
                                                            
28522 GOURMETS                       Jim Weaver Collection    



Her fine kitchen's no longer her own;                       
It's off-limits--she's starved to the bone;                 
It began late one night                                     
With a fresh seafood fight,                                 
She's declared it AMANA-war zone.                           
                                                            
28523 GOURMETS                       Mark Levy           P9507



We invited a sexpot named Rose,                             
And she dropped in to dine, minus clothes.                  
Though her etiquette's frightful,                           
Her figure's delightful...                                  
For a dessert we each gave Rose a hose...                   
                                                            
28524 GOURMETS                       Grand Prix Lim  644      



There was a young grocer named Chaste                       
Whose stock was delightfully graced                         
With fruits that were neat                                  
And super-good meat                                         
And potatoes to suit every taste.                           
                                                            
28525 GOURMETS                       Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I recall with mixed feelings dear Bess;                     
When she dined she created a mess.                          
She ate, in a word,                                         
Much like a hummingbird,                                    
With vengeance but much less finesse.                       
                                                            
28526 GOURMETS                       Loren Fitzhugh      P2006



I opened the door; the fridge was bare.                     
There just wasn't any food in there.                        
No corn, no peas,                                           
No macaroni and cheese,                                     
I'll have to go out, but I don't know where.                
                                                            
28527 GOURMETS                                                



There are times I don't do what I should;                   
Gobbling chocolates, sex and fast food.                     
There are all kinds of blisses,                             
From martinis to kisses,                                    
That are worth giving up being good.                        
                                                            
28528 GOURMETS                       Cyd                      



There was an old fellow named Brynner,                      
Who wife would swear like a mule skinner.                   
He said, "What you call me                                  
Will never appall me,                                       
But don't call me, my dear, late for dinner."               
                                                            
28529 GOURMETS                       Albin Chaplin   3024-2479



Organic food is good to fill                                
You up and it won't make you ill.                           
Its adverse effect                                          
Is what you expect                                          
In your bill, when you reach the till.                      
                                                            
28530 GOURMETS                       Tony Burrell             



One evening while eating tandoori,                          
I was seized by a raven-haired houri.                       
I gave such a start,                                        
My zipper flew apart --                                     
And that's my defense to the jury.                          
                                                            
28531 GOURMETS                       Bill Wall                



At dinner, a schizo named Bott,                             
Wanting curry exceedingly hot,                              
Chose a nice vindaloo,                                      
With enough spice for two,                                  
And then split, for that's just what he got.                
                                                            
28532 GOURMETS                       Pierce Evans             



A fellow in old Saskatoon                                   
Never learned how to eat with a spoon.                      
He would fork up his soup,                                  
And when eating the goop,                                   
It would take him the whole afternoon.                      
                                                            
28533 GOURMETS                       Gerry Busch              



There was an eccentric from Lowell                          
Who preferrred to eat soup with a towel:                    
Dipped it deep in the slop,                                 
Then sucked out every drop,                                 
Till there wasn't one left in the bowl.                     
                                                            
28534 GOURMETS                       Anon               TP9806



There was a young fellow named Ned                          
Who feared he might never get fed.                          
He was longing to dine                                      
On some pheasant and wine,                                  
But his girl kept him glued to the bed.                     
                                                            
28535 GOURMETS                       Isaac Asimov             



There was a young man from the Cape                         
Who swallowed his hat for a jape.                           
It was easy to tell                                         
Why he felt so unwell,                                      
By his stomach's extraordinary shape.                       
                                                            
28536 GOURMETS                       Michael Palin            



In Sweden, a fellow named Smorg                             
At dinner cried out, "Smorg is bored.                       
Potatoes, meat peas--                                       
Repeated--must cease!                                       
That year won "The Gourmet Award."                          
                                                            
28537 GOURMETS                       Irving Superior     P9208



A circus performer named Ords                               
For years has been swallowing swords.                       
When people shout, "Fake!"                                  
No answer he'll make,                                       
Because he has no vocal chords.                             
                                                            
28538 GOURMETS                       Irving Superior          



Try Fred Legget's Tea of West Styx.                         
In your stomach, 'twill surely do tricks,                   
And its greatest surprise                                   
'Sthat it breeds butterflies,                               
And it tastes like they make it from bricks!                
                                                            
28539 GOURMETS                       Aaron S. Adel            



A lazy young houri named Hayes,                             
Said, "I don't mind giving guys lays,                       
If they bring vaseline                                      
Or plain margarine,                                         
But I hate to use good mayonnaise!"                         
                                                            
28540 GOURMETS                                           G1501



There once was a man from New York,                         
Who ate with a knife and a fork,                            
Some quail, very young,                                     
Best served with some tongue,                               
And some tender, but well-done young pork.                  
                                                            
28541 GOURMETS                       John Miller 0309         



He very pleasantly dined                                    
On this very tender young find.                             
"So juicy!" he howled,                                      
"Hand me a towel.                                           
Seconds for me? I don't mind."                              
                                                            
28542 GOURMETS                       Arden                    



There was a man from New York State,                        
The more he drank, the more he ate.                         
The more he ate,                                            
The more he shit.                                           
Vicious cycle, isn't it.                                    
                                                            
28543 GOURMETS                                           G1432



Last week at the delicatessen,                              
She said, as we finished undressin',                        
That playing with food                                      
Made her horny and lewd,                                    
So we sloshed on the cream and got messin'.                 
                                                            
28544 GOURMETS                       PeterW                   



And then for a very good laugh,                             
We bathed in ice cold half and half.                        
But oh, what a trip                                         
When we used Reddi-Whip                                     
On his rapidly stiffening staff.                            
                                                            
28545 GOURMETS                       Arden                    



Now did you stiffen with passion?                           
Or just from the cold in the fashion                        
Of some folks in Sweden,                                    
Who are so far from Eden,                                   
Find plumbing with icicles smashin'?                        
                                                            
28546 GOURMETS                       John Miller              



You use what you have where you are:                        
Guacomole's not going too far.                              
And you really can't match                                  
Chili Verde en Snatch,                                      
While Bolero is played on guitar.                           
                                                            
28547 GOURMETS                       John Miller              



There once was a baker named Jake                           
Who stumbled whilst mixing a cake.                          
His wife cooked the lot                                     
In the oven so hot,                                         
And gobbled him up by mistake.                              
                                                            
28548 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Loads & Loads Lims  P0104



A baker by the name of Hayes                                
Has a hooker he frequently pays                             
To lay on the counter                                       
So that he can mount her;                                   
The result being the doughnut glaze.                        
                                                            
28549 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Jim Weaver Collection    



To my female assistant I pleaded,                           
"Please help, this dough must be kneaded."                  
O'er her hole 'twas streched tight,                         
Then was pierced with delight.                              
My plan for the doughnut succeeded.                         
                                                            
28550 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Jim Weaver Collection    



They bake some strange buns in Nuneaton,                    
With dough that's first whipped and then beaten.            
They eat several tons                                       
Of these fabulous buns,                                     
But, south of Nuneaton's none eaten.                        
                                                            
28551 GOURMETS - BAKERY                                       



A baker from down on the block,                             
Makes doughnuts as hard as a rock.                          
His cream-filled eclair,                                    
Is primarily air,                                           
And his jelly roll tastes like a sock!                      
                                                            
28552 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Donna Romito        P9208



Prepare a graham cracker crust.                             
You'll preheat the oven I trust,                            
To three hundred fifty.                                     
So it comes out nifty,                                      
A spring-form pan is a must.                                
                                                            
28553 GOURMETS - BAKERY                                       



Cream cheese, 3 packages - softened;                        
One point five cups sugar toss in,                          
Then three tablespoons flour.                               
Now use all your power,                                     
Add 4 whole eggs, beating often.                            
                                                            
28554 GOURMETS - BAKERY                                       



Next add half a cup lemon juice;                            
Fresh is all you ever should use.                           
One final beatin';                                          
One hour heatin';                                           
Cool and add the topping you choose.                        
                                                            
28555 GOURMETS - BAKERY                                       



I got a bread-making machine,                               
The neatest that I've ever seen.                            
The loaves look so pretty                                   
But inside they're gritty,                                  
And taste just like polystyrene.                            
                                                            
28556 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Marlene Lewis            



There's stuff they should tell you about                    
Like how this thing gives a shout                           
When the bread is done,                                     
But the thing number one?;                                  
The packing stuff I didn't take out.                        
                                                            
28557 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Marlene Lewis            



I thought I'd be well-bread as well;                        
Turns out, I'm a cooker from Hell.                          
I've got a cookbook                                         
But I cannot look                                           
In there 'cause the pages all smell.                        
                                                            
28558 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Marlene Lewis            



So you think that if I came to dinner,                      
I might finish up a bit thinner"                            
No fine turkey roast?                                       
But perhaps beans on toast?                                 
As a diet it might be a winner.                             
                                                            
28559 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Tiddy Ogg                



If the dieties meant us to cook,                            
They'd have not trod the path that they took.               
They gave us Big Macks,                                     
And all sorts of snacks.                                    
'Twas the Devil who gave us cookbooks.                      
                                                            
28560 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Tiddy Ogg                



At her toaster stood buxom Ms. Bartz;                       
While heating her breakfast Pop Tarts,                      
Being lost in deep thought,                                 
A disaster was wrought,                                     
When she badly burned both her top parts.                   
                                                            
28561 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Bob Giandomenico    P2005



Think tossing a pancake's a jape?                           
Take heed from poor Timothy's scrape...                     
He tossed one and now                                       
He's in prison I vow,                                       
For Suzette has accused him of crepe.                       
                                                            
28562 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Peter Wilkins            



That toast was delicious, ho-hum.                           
Though it's filled up that gap in my tum,                   
There's crumbs in my hair,                                  
Both on top and down there,                                 
And there's crumbs up the crack of my bum.                  
                                                            
28563 GOURMETS - BAKERY                                       



There was a hot chick name of Leda                          
Who came from the town of Bogeta.                           
She had a big clit                                          
And a juicy wet slit,                                       
That her men would eat like a pita.                         
                                                            
28564 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Anon                     



There once was a baker of parts,                            
Who wasted no time on false starts.                         
He turned out pies and cakes,                               
And fine bread in two shakes,                               
Leaving plenty of time for the tarts.                       
                                                            
28565 GOURMETS - BAKERY              John Ciardi              



A young man from near Milton Keynes,                        
Was into some strange kinky scenes.                         
He'd stand on his head,                                     
Take a loaf of French bread...                              
I think we all know what that means.                        
                                                            
28566 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Bill Wall                



The practice of feeding on bran                             
Is something I don't understan'.                            
It's gritty and bland,                                      
Like chewing on sand,                                       
And makes your bowels dance the cancan.                     
                                                            
28567 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Timothy Torkildson       



A bold Russian baker once led                               
A strike in the bakery, which spread                        
To a full blown revolt,                                     
Giving owners a jolt;                                       
All due to that hot brazen red.                             
                                                            
28568 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Bob Giandomenico    P0101



She woke me with her rapid pumping                          
Of my dick -- she jerked and was thumping.                  
When I let out a yell,                                      
And said, "What the hell!"                                  
She was dreaming of biscuit dough lumping.                  
                                                            
28569 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Travis Brasel            



The tale of the great chef from France,                     
A victim of drunk circumstance,                             
Though he burned the baguette,                              
What he lived to regret,                                    
Was the loaf that he stuck in his pants.                    
                                                            
28570 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Richard Long             



When I eat your strawberry tart,                            
I'm hard to stop, once when I start;                        
Your sweet is nutritious,                                   
And creamy -- delicious!                                    
I love the way it spreads apart!                            
                                                            
28571 GOURMETS - BAKERY                                       



The Pillsbury Doughboy's an anal emission!                  
I'm getting an oven powered by fission.                     
Throw him in back,                                          
With a probe up his crack,                                  
And burn him beyond recognition.                            
(Kill him using Monistat)                                   
28572 GOURMETS - BAKERY              John Chastaine           



A TABOO will often attract                                  
Those who have real good sense, lacked.                     
Just like the first guy                                     
Who tomato would try.                                       
Now with bold pizzerias we're stacked.                      
                                                            
28573 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Chris Papa               



A housewife from near Trois Rivieres                        
Won awards for her buns at the fair;                        
Though not for their size                                   
Did she garner the prize --                                 
But their place on her sweet dairy air!                     
                                                            
28574 GOURMETS - BAKERY              J P Slugworthy        44b



A young lady who lived by the Usk,                          
Subsisted each day on a rusk.                               
She ate the first bite                                      
Before it was light,                                        
And the last crumb sometime after dusk.                     
(rusk - a dry, twice-baked bread)                           
28575 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Edward Gorey             



Sara Lee sobbed; a tear filled her eye.                     
"I just can't learn to bake though I try.                   
My bread should be white, but                               
The mystery is what                                         
Would make batch after batch go awry?"                      
                                                            
28576 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9402



Just pummel and knead it, he said,                          
Or try pumping and pounding instead.                        
Using all of your power,                                    
Keep it up for an hour...                                   
The result is superior bread.                               
                                                            
28577 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Peter Wilkins            



When energy crises arise,                                   
We'll scrimp like the cook sage and wise,                   
Who connected her ass                                       
To her stove which burned gas,                              
And exploited her farts to bake pies.                       
                                                            
28578 GOURMETS - BAKERY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1930



The early bird flies through the trees,                     
Getting worms with the greatest of ease.                    
But the first of the mice,                                  
Gets his head in a vise,                                    
And the rest of the mice get the cheese.                    
                                                            
28579 GOURMETS - CHEESE              H Myers            TP9804



She just lounged around in her chemise,                     
Planning a soiree menu to please                            
Oriental and Dutch                                          
Guests. She couldn't do much                                
Better than to serve Aged Buddha Cheese.                    
                                                            
28580 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9607



You'll find in our Irish cheese,                            
Aphrodisiac qualities.                                      
Its remarkable curds,                                       
Are praised beyond words,                                   
By both sexes, the he's and the she's.                      
                                                            
28581 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



There was a young lady of Totten,                           
Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.                     
She cared not for steaks,                                   
Or for pastry and cakes,                                    
But lived upon penis 'au gratin'.                           
                                                            
28582 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                  L0797



The girl in the Chinese pagoda,                             
Ate onions from fair Minnisota,                             
And garlic from Greece,                                     
And Limburgher cheese,                                      
And her friends dropped like flies from the odor.           
                                                            
28583 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



On the eve of the spring equinox,                           
There appeared a most magical box.                          
Wherein every morn,                                         
To the sound of a horn,                                     
Came a bagel, some cream cheese, and lox.                   
                                                            
28584 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Vertech Limerick Contest 



When cider is sipped with some cheese,                      
It causes a puzzling disease.                               
With a lump in one's throat,                                
The drinker will bloat,                                     
Then spray-paint the toilet cerise.                         
                                                            
28585 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Jonathan Glyph           



There was a co-ed of Cayenne                                
Who ate onions, blue cheese, and Sen-Sen,                   
Till a bad fright one day                                   
Took her breath quite away,                                 
And we hope she won't find it again.                        
                                                            
28586 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



A Frenchman who ate too much Brie,                          
Shrugged his shoulders and said "C'est la vie!"             
That's enough of that stuff                                 
For an oeuf is an oeuf.                                     
I shall have one on toast for my tea.                       
                                                            
28587 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Bill Wall                



A Welshman who ate Caerphilly                               
Said: "I love Wales because it's so hilly.                  
The girls in the valley                                     
Are ever so pally.                                          
They shout, 'Come on out!  Show your willy!'"               
                                                            
28588 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Bill Wall                



The selections will boggle your brain;                      
The Muzak they play is inane;                               
The shoppers are rude;                                      
The workers all brood;                                      
The coupons drive you insane.                               
                                                            
28589 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Cap'n Bean          P0104



Young Wendy, while shopping for cheese,                     
With a boxboy went down on her knees;                       
Midst the bleu and the gouda                                
Their conduct grew lewda,                                   
Until he got blown in the bries.                            
                                                            
28590 GOURMETS - CHEESE              John Eggerton       P0104



The new boss was inspecting the crew,                       
When he came to the clerk, Mary Lou.                        
He said, "Tell me, my dear,                                 
Your capacity here."                                        
And she said, "Just a quart. Maybe two."                    
                                                            
28591 GOURMETS - CHEESE              William N Nesbit    P0104



While eating a nice piece of Cheddar,                       
I found myself turning much redder.                         
So I took a cold shower                                     
For the best part of an hour,                               
And then went looking for a header.                         
                                                            
28592 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Bill Wall                



A man who knew cheese to perfection                         
Was asked how he made his selection.                        
He answered, "By Jesus,                                     
I sniff all the cheeses,                                    
And I choose cheese which fosters erection.                 
                                                            
28593 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Albin Chaplin   3024-0574



A limburger lover was Keyes;                                
His wife said to him, "Charlie, please,                     
When you open that cheese-jar                               
Shove a plug up your beezbar,                               
For I can't tell your farts from that cheese."              
                                                            
28594 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Albin Chaplin   3024-1210



Said a man from the Florida Keys.                           
"We'll solve water pollution with ease.                     
Only wide constipation,                                     
Can now save our nation,                                    
We must all live on alum and cheese."                       
                                                            
28595 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



"Just 9 or 10 ounces of cheese,"                            
I said to the lovely Louise.                                
But the way that she hacked,                                
It quite scared me; in fact                                 
I said, "Cut it more Caerphilly, please."                   
                                                            
28596 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Peter Wilkins            



Their moans peaked louder and louder,                       
Without use of Parmesan powder.                             
Every young lamb                                            
Had tasted Edam,                                            
But still preferred his chunk of Gouda                      
                                                            
28597 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



Consider yon Emmenthal cheese...                            
Why half of it's holes, as you sees.                        
Now is it like that                                         
To cut down on fat,                                         
Or to circulate air, if you please?                         
                                                            
28598 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Peter Wilkins            



In a shop full of delicacies,                               
My dad saw an Emmenthal cheese.                             
When he saw the cheese's price,                             
He exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!                                
For that, fill the holes, if you please!"                   
                                                            
28599 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Dr Limerick              



Emmenthal cheese is delightful;                             
The food fit for kings, by God, rightful.                   
And also for queens,                                        
American teens,                                             
And discriminating eyes a grand sightful.                   
                                                            
28600 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Peter Wilkins            



A joy to the world, "Emmenthal,"                            
God sent it to us and to all.                               
A glorious boon,                                            
And none all too soon,                                      
For youngsters to eat, and grow tall.                       
                                                            
28601 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Peter Wilkins            



To grow ever wiser and sage,                                
Ensuring us health, and great age --                        
Ah, Emmenthal,                                              
Redeeming us all,                                           
Without which the world's but a stage.                      
                                                            
28602 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Peter Wilkins            



A table that's empty and sad,                               
A banquet that we could have had,                           
A feast that is wanting                                     
Without its great haunting,                                 
Rich flavor, regaling, thereat.                             
                                                            
28603 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Peter Wilkins            



Why yes, my boy, Emmenthal rolls                            
Or with pineapple (maybe) saves souls.                      
Allelujah!  All praise                                      
To God's glorious ways...                                   
But the holes, just why are there holes                     
                                                            
28604 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Peter Wilkins            



A Greek who could only eat Feta,                            
Once crept up behind Henrietta.                             
He bowed very low                                           
And shouted, "Hello!"                                       
Then shoved his head right up her sweater.                  
                                                            
28605 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Bill Wall                



A man on the flying trapeze                                 
Looped the loop with the greatest of ease,                  
Till he fell on the deck,                                   
And twisted his neck;                                       
He now lives on boogers and cheese.                         
                                                            
28606 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Mike O'Conner            



A scraggly old bag named Louise                             
Had a pussy encrusted with cheese.                          
Her residual piss                                           
Made limburger and swiss                                    
And she'd give you some if you said "please"!               
                                                            
28607 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



To his bride said economist Fife,                           
"The semen you'll launch as my wife,                        
We will salvage and freeze                                  
To resemble goat cheese,                                    
And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife.                  
                                                            
28608 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                  G1496



While eating a piece of Gruyere,                            
I found myself losing my hair.                              
In a panic I called,                                        
"Oh my God!  I've gone bald!"                               
But so's Barbara Cartland -- unfair!                        
                                                            
28609 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Bill Wall                



On Punxsutawney Day                                         
Two monks who saw me sway                                   
Said, "If you please,                                       
Take of our cheese                                          
Two hunks to gnaw, we say."                                 
                                                            
28610 GOURMETS - CHEESE              William K. Alsop    P8910



During Lent, when fresh milk was abhorred,                  
Otets Ivan, who liked not be be bored,                      
Ate stale cabbage and wurst                                 
As his lungs fairly burst,                                  
With loud songs of Swiss cheese to the Lord.                
                                                            
28611 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Jim Weaver Collection    



The teacher said, "Right, children, now                     
Can anyone please tell me how                               
To keep milk fresh longer?"                                 
Replied Johnny Stronger:                                    
"You can just leave the stuff in the cow."                  
                                                            
28612 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Tiddy Ogg                



Are you talking of Limburger cheese,                        
Some cultured vat of milk disease?                          
That's stuff that some eat,                                 
Which smells like bad feet,                                 
Yet costs quite a bit, if you please.                       
                                                            
28613 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Chris Papa               



An avid cheese lover named Smitty                           
Ate limburger cheese that was shitty.                       
But his darling wife, Jane,                                 
Shoved it all down the drain,                               
And she stunk up the sewers in the city.                    
                                                            
28614 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Albin Chaplin   3024-2309



A limburger lover was Fox;                                  
He kept a supply in a box.                                  
But his wife could not tell                                 
Any difference in smell,                                    
So she made him a lunch from old socks.                     
                                                            
28615 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Albin Chaplin   3024-2576



There was a cheese maker named Titehouse,                   
Who lived in a fine and a right house.                      
To make limburger cheese                                    
For this man was a breeze.                                  
He took two pails of milk to the shite House.               
                                                            
28616 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Albin Chaplin   3024-2384



While eating a piece of Lymeswold,                          
I suddenly felt very old.                                   
The Cheese was decrepid                                     
And moldy and tepid,                                        
But so's Barbara Cartland, I'm told.                        
                                                            
28617 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Bill Wall                



There were two little mice in Rangoon,                      
Who sought lunch in an old lady's womb.                     
Cried one mouse, "By Jesus,                                 
I'll wager this cheese is                                   
As old as the cheese in the moon!"                          
                                                            
28618 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                  L0791



On top of a mountain of cheese,                             
A harlot for me spread her knees.                           
So I found my thrill                                        
On blue brie hill,                                          
A nice creamy helping of sleaze.                            
                                                            
28619 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Tiddy                    



There once was a young Irish Celt,                          
Who had too many under his belt.                            
He backed into the fire;                                    
The flames they grew higher;                                
And 'twas known as the first Paddy melt!                    
                                                            
28620 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Steve Zink               



An Italian who loved Parmesan,                              
Broke wind in the back of his van.                          
With an ear-splitting roar,                                 
It blew off the door,                                       
So it's arrivederci Milan.                                  
                                                            
28621 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Bill Wall                



A lady once ate some red Leicester,                         
Enjoyed it; alas though it messed her                       
Up, and she ran                                             
Amok.  Flung a flan:                                        
The Cheddar cops had to arrest her.                         
                                                            
28622 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Tiddy Ogg                



Serena is known coast-to-coast,                             
Though she's not appealing to most.                         
However, I find                                             
This gal to be kind;                                        
Besides, she makes damn good cheese toast!                  
                                                            
28623 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



She certainly does; and her cheese                          
Is available now, if you please,                            
From your neighborhood deli;                                
It's ripe and it's smelly,                                  
And oozes when given a squeeze.                             
                                                            
28624 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                       



There was an old sailor named Jock,                         
Who was wrecked on a desolate rock.                         
He had nothing to eat                                       
But the punk of his feet,                                   
And the cheese from the end of his cock.                    
                                                            
28625 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                  L0787



A cook in the College of Caius         (Keys)               
Paid the butcher extortionate faius;   (fees)               
And so much deceit                                          
They suffered in miet                  (meat)               
They'd better have dined upon chaius.  (cheese)             
(overcharged for 8000 pounds [money])                       
28626 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Punch 1902, Vol 122, p342



A dutchman who dwelt in Dundee,                             
Walked in to a grocer's named Lee.                          
He said, "If you blease,                                    
Haff you any prick cheese?"                                 
Said the grocer, "I'll skin back and see."                  
                                                            
28627 GOURMETS - CHEESE                                  L0773



There was a young man who said "Please,                     
Give me some of your glorious cheese.                       
I've smelt it for miles                                     
Coming over the stiles,                                     
To your beautiful house on the Tees."                       
                                                            
28628 GOURMETS - CHEESE              E V Knox                 



A man who knew cheese to perfection                         
Advised how he made his selection;                          
It must smell like cunt                                     
And I'll put it up front,                                   
If it gives me a first-class erection.                      
                                                            
28629 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Albin Chaplin   3024-3001



When purchasing cheese, Mr.Scott                            
Would examine with care the whole lot.                      
He would make a selection                                   
When he got an erection                                     
From the cheese that smelled like a twat.                   
                                                            
28630 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Albin Chaplin   3024-1295



A milkmaid whose name was Louise                            
Toted milk when she started to sneeze.                      
Standing there 'mid the flowers,                            
She sneezed for two hours;                                  
When she opened the milk pail, 'twas cheese.                
                                                            
28631 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Thelma Westra       P9302



When cider is sipped with some cheese,                      
A woman becomes quite a tease.                              
It jiggles the brain,                                       
But without any pain,                                       
And knocks most men to their knees.                         
                                                            
28632 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Elly Webb                



Some travelers lugging valises                              
Said, "Sir, could you tell us where Greece is?"             
When he said, "But I'm Swiss,"                              
They said, "Tell us this:                                   
How do you make holes in your cheeses?"                     
                                                            
28633 GOURMETS - CHEESE              N. M. Bodecker      P8911



Do you have a cheese called Fromunda,                       
Inquired big-titted Amanda?                                 
The seller of cheese                                        
Gave her tits a big squeeze,                                
"Australia," then he went down under.                       
                                                            
28634 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Jim Weaver Collection    



A cheese that was aged and grey,                            
Was walking and talking one day.                            
Said the cheese, "Kindly note                               
My mamma was a goat,                                        
And I'm made out of curds, by the whey."                    
                                                            
28635 GOURMETS - CHEESE              Young Lady Named AliP0102



Why, Bonnie, it's nice to see you.                          
I know that you've been making stew,                        
But now you've stopped cooking.                             
Well, you can keep looking,                                 
And adding to this limerick grue.                           
                                                            
28636 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



At this inn on the Miramichi                                
One can have any service for free --                        
Table d'hote, a la carte,                                   
Fluffy dumplings, or tart --                                
If one has the appropriate key.                             
                                                            
28637 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Keith MacMillan       32b



The naked chef demonstrated on TV;                          
You won't see what you expect to see.                       
The food is all wrapped,                                    
Before it's all slapped.                                    
Censor said aprons should reach the knee.                   
                                                            
28638 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Arthur Pattaffy          



When eating, my libido gains ardour;                        
I'm aroused just approaching the larder.                    
It's amazing how food                                       
Can alter the mood.                                         
Good cooking makes my willie grow harder.                   
                                                            
28639 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Bob Mornington           



Now cooking your own body part,                             
While still attached, isn't too smart.                      
So you fancied things quick                                 
And you thought that your dick,                             
Would taste better than a custard tart.                     
                                                            
28640 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Funny Bone               



Though your custard tarts are just great,                   
You wisdom is just second rate.                             
You said, "I'll cook more,                                  
If the girls you'll ignore",                                
Which left me angry, pissed off and irate.                  
                                                            
28641 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Bob Mornington           



A creative old chef known as Walt                           
Claims that really, it isn't his fault                      
If a recipe calls                                           
For some sweat from his balls,                              
Instead of commercial-grade salt.                           
                                                            
28642 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Norm Storer              



So, delicate reader, beware!                                
Please take pains to avoid old Walt's fare.                 
You might, if in haste,                                     
Fail to notice the taste,                                   
But you'd surely discover the hair!                         
                                                            
28643 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Norm Storer              



If I pranced around in your kitchen,                        
You would find me very bewitchin'.                          
But I will not dance                                        
Just 'cause you wear pants;                                 
It's your turn to just quit your bitchin'.                  
                                                            
28644 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



I'll bitch till you serve up this meal;                     
I've not had a taste nor a feel.                            
Just go take a look                                         
In that real good sex book,                                 
Then go to the kitchen and kneel!                           
                                                            
28645 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



A talented young chef from Chile,                           
Concocted a super hot chili.                                
After folks had a scoop,                                    
Of this fiery soup,                                         
They cried: "This Chilean chili's not chilly?"              
                                                            
28646 GOURMETS - CHEFS               The Sailor          P0308



Chopped nuts in a second? I've seen it.                     
The damned thing is quick. I mean it!                       
Salad? -- Zip! -- a batch!                                  
But here is the catch:                                      
It takes thirty minutes to clean it.                        
                                                            
28647 GOURMETS - CHEFS               John K. Roberts     P9302



Waiter!  My vichyssoise is cold!                            
This steak tartare's raw!  And behold --                    
My pita bread's flat!                                       
And blue cheese? But that                                   
Is disgustingly covered with mould!                         
                                                            
28648 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



Said the chef of his meal, "Can't be beaten."               
"It is deadly," said food chemist Seaton.                   
On his food the chef fed                                    
And the newspaper said:                                     
'Condemned Meal By Its Last Man Was Eaten.'                 
                                                            
28649 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Al Chaplin          P8810



Cook chickens and doves?  Yes he can!                       
They baste and saute in the pan.                            
His fowl roasting club,                                     
No chef would dare snub.                                    
It's suitably named "Coo Clucks Clan".                      
                                                            
28650 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



A glance through my cook-book I took,                       
For a recipe fishy to cook;                                 
Lobster, anchovies, salmon,                                 
Or codfish and gammon                                       
Or...gammon?  (Strange cookery book!)                       
                                                            
28651 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Peter Wilkins            



There once was a woman named Bess                           
For whom holiday cooking meant stress.                      
Five puddings, ten turkeys.                                 
A thousand beef jerkys --                                   
Bess did tend to cook to excess.                            
                                                            
28652 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Christine Brim           



One interesting thing seems quite clear:                    
The number of cookbooks appear-                             
Ing for people to buy,                                      
Is equalled by di-                                          
Eting books, year after year.                               
                                                            
28653 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Macsam                   



She invented the name and it clicked,                       
Though her husband with treachery tricked.                  
On the morn of hid treason,                                 
His wife asked, "What's the reason                          
Your not eating your eggs, Benedict?"                       
                                                            
28654 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



There was an old chef name of Hugh,                         
Who cooked up an animal stew,                               
And this may not be relavant,                               
But he added an elephant,                                   
Yet the diners all asked, "Is this gnu?"                    
                                                            
28655 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2623



It's a helluva fix that we're in today,                     
When the spread of sin means there'll be hell to pay,       
Causing moral delinquency                                   
With increasing frequency,                                  
By the Pentagon, Marv Albert, and the Frugal Gourmet.       
                                                            
28656 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Arthur Deex         P9710



Things are truly godawful today;                            
Spreading sin demands much hell to pay:                     
There's Marv Albert, the Navy,                              
They should all cry, Peccavi!                               
And I blush for the Frugal Gourmet.                         
(peccavi - humble acknowledgment of sin)                    
28657 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Armand Singer       P9711



If unsatisfactory sex                                       
Compels you to seek and annex                               
A substitute squeeze,                                       
Be careful that she's                                       
As good a cook as your Ex.                                  
                                                            
28658 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Nick                     



My long time lover, Milito,                                 
Is a Spaniard, a true Gallego.                              
Just one hungry look,                                       
He'll get out his cookbook,                                 
To serve me hot Spanish chorizo.                            
                                                            
28659 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



The chef in the Grosvenor's forte,                          
Was goose stuffed with mushrooms and saute,                 
Potatoes and peas,                                          
And following these,                                        
Melon and iced lemon sorbe.                                 
                                                            
28660 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



In Dulac it is called Gumbo                                 
A spicy dish fixed just so.                                 
With a spicy rue base,                                      
It is seasoned to taste,                                    
Just like a fire down below.                                
                                                            
28661 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



There was a convicted young felon                           
Who liked to eat honeydew melon.                            
For his very last meal,                                     
He had melon with veal;                                     
A request that had the chef yellin'.                        
                                                            
28662 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Sam Shaffe          P8704



She couldn't boil water.  That's strange.                   
So she took cooking lessons to change.                      
Now she's a gourmet                                         
Baking creme brule,                                         
Found her calling at home on the range.                     
                                                            
28663 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Thomas M Patton     P9901



An old seafaring RAPSCALLION                                
Was the cook on a Spanish galleon.                          
The served up the crew                                      
Horse testicle stew;                                        
Recipe: ten potatoes, one stallion.                         
                                                            
28664 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Norm Brust               



There once was a Cajun "Chef Bing",                         
Whose spicy repasts flamed with zing.                       
When diners ate lakeside,                                   
Chef watched with great pride                               
As into the water they'd spring.                            
                                                            
28665 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Pencraft                 



An alternative to cooking with WOK                          
Is to sear food on a very hot rock.                         
This technique from Japan                                   
Can give you a tan,                                         
So cover yourself with a smock.                             
                                                            
28666 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Norm Brust               



I'm playing 'kitchen bitch' again.                          
Making goodies and treats for friends.                      
I'll give them away,                                        
On Christmas Day,                                           
And some in the mail I will send.                           
                                                            
28667 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



Anything that you like I can bake,                          
Whether it's cookies, pies, or cakes.                       
But my sweet cherry tart,                                   
Will fill your 'heart',                                     
And mine, if you lick clean the plate.                      
                                                            
28668 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



Said our new kitchen queen (and she frowned),               
"Though I loike yez roight down to the ground,              
I give yez my warnin',                                      
I'm leavin' this mornin',                                   
For I only dropped in to look round."                       
                                                            
28669 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Carolyn Wells       P9911



Quite mad with her knife is Joanna;                         
She wields it in dangerous manner.                          
She cuts up her fries                                       
With frightening cries,                                     
And startles a sleeping iguana!                             
                                                            
28670 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



Gonna eat some fried things tonight;                        
Joanna will cook 'em up right.                              
Mad knifers are fine;                                       
Glad am I we'll dine;                                       
Banana fritters in moonlight.                               
                                                            
28671 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



Sue Ellen who cooks for the Ritz,                           
Has a figure that gives the guys fits.                      
Although this Southern beauty                               
Has a lovely round booty,                                   
She's really best known for her grits.                      
                                                            
28672 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Parker Waterman     P0108



A French student, a boy named Jean-Luc,                     
Is oft found with his head in a book.                       
Not gendarmes or police,                                    
Not even "War and Peace";                                   
He was trying to learn how to cook!                         
                                                            
28673 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Arthur Pattaffy          



A cajun gourmet named LaSalle                               
Is the chef at that place on Canal.                         
He puts lots of spice                                       
On your red beans and rice,                                 
And makes lightning shoot out of your bowel!                
                                                            
28674 GOURMETS - CHEFS               VOL 1                    



Ann Moscovitch, could she make a blintze,                   
That was fit for a king or a prince.                        
Since a royal very good,                                    
She's made mountains of food;                               
Royalty hasn't been seen again since!                       
                                                            
28675 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old lady from Macon,                           
In whose oven, buns were always bakin'.                     
She'd boff and she'd toff,                                  
And then say, "Bugger off!"                                 
For she loved makin' bacon.                                 
                                                            
28676 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



When trying to make Matzo Brie,                             
The eggs you must break 'fore you fry.                      
Add salt to taste                                           
Else they will go to waste,                                 
And another batch you'll just have to try.                  
                                                            
28677 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Arden                    



You see, she often does spread                              
Peanut butter on toast or plain bread.                      
This combo deserves                                         
Some raspberry preserves,                                   
But she uses the Mayo instead!                              
                                                            
28678 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



There was a young lady named Bessie                         
Who welcomed the chef, neat and dressy.                     
She did not mind his meat                                   
For she thought it a treat,                                 
But she felt that his gravy was messy.                      
                                                            
28679 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1950



A Cornishman, Roger Trelawney,                              
At 110 was still horny.                                     
"I've never had droop                                       
On account of this soup",                                   
He said, supping his Mulligatawny.                          
                                                            
28680 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Peter Wilkins            



On Sunday when Kate took her frocks off,                    
I hoped that I might get my rocks off.                      
Tried Mulligatawny                                          
To make myself horny,                                       
And man, it did quite blow my socks off.                    
                                                            
28681 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Peter Wilkins            



A diner became rather flustered,                            
When all of his resources he mustered                       
To sort out his sauces                                      
On the various courses,                                     
And discovered the mustard was custard.                     
                                                            
28682 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Dick Hedger              



Please consider well-born Molly Sprague                     
Whose survival skills are somewhat vague.                   
Since she's lived all her life                              
Free of purpose or strife,                                  
Never has Molly coddled an egg.                             
                                                            
28683 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



Three days after Davey wed Mabel,                           
He sat down to dine at their table;                         
Said he, "Looks delicious!"                                 
Said she, "And nutritious,                                  
I'll cook like this, long as I'm able."                     
                                                            
28684 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



"So tasty is your hot, white gravy...                       
I love it!" roared Mabel's groom Davey;                     
"You do?" Mabel teased,                                     
"I'm glad that you're pleased,                              
I bottled it from the Queen's Navy!"                        
                                                            
28685 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



Oh God!  How I hate nursery teas;                           
The cooking of which does not please                        
My taste buds at all;                                       
They do not enthrall                                        
Or give raptures with consumate ease.                       
                                                            
28686 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Joy                      



To cook was a pleasure divine;                              
Five senses all used at one time.                           
But nuggets and noodles,                                    
Chips and such spew dulls                                   
The palate -- to serve them's a crime.                      
                                                            
28687 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Joy                      



But that's what my kids like to eat;                        
On their menu of life they're a treat.                      
To cook them's a bore,                                      
A time-wasting chore,                                       
And to make them eat real food's a feat.                    
                                                            
28688 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Joy                      



Juvenile palates take time,                                 
Developing tastes for wild thyme.                           
So in the mean while                                        
You're stuck with that pile                                 
Of chippy and noodley slime.                                
                                                            
28689 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Tutta                    



Children are so immature;                                   
They're something I cannot endure;                          
Naturally picky                                             
And cranky and icky,                                        
I'm afraid time's the only known cure.                      
                                                            
28690 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Karen                    



Our new chef is David, he's Danish;                         
His girlfriend is Helga, she's Swedish;                     
She says, "He's no wee gun,                                 
Does laps with a big one --                                 
If he keeps it up, we'll be finish!"                        
                                                            
28691 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



A good cook from the city of Lyme                           
Tried to finish a meal by lunchtime.                        
She started to dice                                         
And chop the last spice,                                    
But alas, then she ran out of thyme.                        
                                                            
28692 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Kirk Miller              



Pizza joints' dough is tossed in a spin                     
With bare hands; That's a technique still in.               
Long as those hands stay bare,                              
You would never eat there,                                  
If you knew where those hands had just been.                
                                                            
28693 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



It seems Ronald chose Caspar as host                        
For the new cooking school coast to coast,                  
And his cookout so grand                                    
Will embrace the whole land,                                
As together we make a fine roast.                           
(President Ron Reagan and Caspar Weinberger)                
28694 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Albin Chaplin            



On her westward trek Mrs. Jermain                           
Used her Teflon on the wagon train,                         
And it simplified things                                    
To do Buffalo Wings,                                        
On a small campstove fueled by propane.                     
                                                            
28695 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



I decided to play 'kitchen bitch.'                          
(Yeah I know, for me a real switch.)                        
Cooking and baking,                                         
All day I was making,                                       
Cookies and pies very rich.                                 
                                                            
28696 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



I tried every dish that I know,                             
From Betty to Pilsbury dough.                               
I baked for hours,                                          
Was covered in flour,                                       
I watched every good cooking show.                          
                                                            
28697 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



But I need a new recipe.                                    
One very delicious, you see.                                
And full of hot spice,                                      
So he won't think twice,                                    
When he takes a big bite out of me.                         
                                                            
28698 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



The ranchwoman got out her jars,                            
And peeled and pickled for hours,                           
Which made her so tired,                                    
She thought she expired,                                    
But revived after nine whiskey sours.                       
                                                            
28699 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was an Old Man of the North,                          
Who fell in a basin of broth;                               
But a laudable Cook                                         
Fished him out with a hook,                                 
But he ruined the soup with his froth.                      
                                                            
28700 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Edwardian Leer 088       



When under the covers I dove,                               
Expecting a great treasure trove.                           
I searched for nutrition                                    
Instead of coition,                                         
And sauted your cream on the stove.                         
                                                            
28701 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Jim Weaver Collection    



From the chef of Annapolis Royal                            
Comes this recipe: "Baster her in oil,                      
Gently increase the heat                                    
Till she's tender and sweet,                                
And then serve, en brochette, at the boil."                 
                                                            
28702 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Keith MacMillan       27a



There was a young lady of Sooke                             
Who knew every trick in the book.                           
I don't mean to say                                         
She was loose in the hay,                                   
I just mean that she knew how to cook.                      
                                                            
28703 GOURMETS - CHEFS               John E Mayhood      P0900



A gourmet's time is well spent,                             
Choosing legumes ESCULENT,                                  
Like cassoulet pot,                                         
Or chili quite hot;                                         
All bound to bring sighs of content.                        
                                                            
28704 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Chris Papa               



Worry not, I won't leave you bereft;                        
Juicy tidbits are always left.                              
I'm not adverse to share                                    
In my bountiful fare.                                       
At slicing and dicing, I'm deft.                            
                                                            
28705 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



The stock at Moish Cohen's, a deli,                         
Was nicked by a thief for his belly.                        
In desperation he chose                                     
His small cafe to close,                                    
So he sold it.  Now Cohen's Mick Kelly's.                   
                                                            
28706 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Arthur Pattaffy          



Hey waiter, my soup's got a twig in!                        
Please go, without zaggin' or ziggin',                      
And fetch the branch manager,                               
It's to your adavantage, sir,                               
Or your grave they may soon be a-diggin'!                   
                                                            
28707 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Observer                 



The misogynist chef name of Pitt                            
Said, "For women I care not a bit,                          
But a roast I'll prepare                                    
At their garden affair,                                     
And I'll spend my time turning the spit."                   
                                                            
28708 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Al Chaplin          P0302



I dare not take a look in my fridge;                        
I can open it only a smidge.                                
Last night when I looked                                    
For some stuff I had cooked,                                
I felt something inside there go "squidge".                 
                                                            
28709 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Peter Wilkins            



Gourmet isn't something I crave.                            
In the kitchen I'm not one to slave.                        
My best palate pleaser,                                     
Comes out of the freezer,                                   
And goes into the microwave.                                
                                                            
28710 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



This invite's to all who are able                           
To come to Maude's fine dinner table,                       
On Tuesday each week                                        
At eight o'clock peak;                                      
Your hostess will be "Stretchmark Mable."                   
                                                            
28711 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



There will be a scrumptious buffet,                         
For one low price you will pay.                             
See Stretch for your ticket                                 
She holds in her thicket.                                   
We'll put out all that we can lay.                          
                                                            
28712 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



The menu has passed all the tests.                          
There's thighs, legs and succulent breasts,                 
Large rumps in hot juice                                    
With crepes-a-la-douche,                                    
Plus cherries in sizzling nests.                            
                                                            
28713 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



For those with an exotic taste,                             
There's sausages braised with white paste,                  
And Wienerwurst stout                                       
That slides in and out                                      
Of buns soaked in cream without haste.                      
                                                            
28714 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



For more, you should wave your tail flag;                   
Your servers will please, without nag.                      
They'll come where you lay;                                 
They may even say,                                          
"Take more in our doggie-style bag!"                        
                                                            
28715 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



Attire for the night will be "Nude";                        
All patrons must act very lewd.                             
If you're asked to pass                                     
A dish, don't be crass.                                     
We won't tolerate being rude.                               
                                                            
28716 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Travis Brasell           



At an Indian restaurant, Murray,                            
Was eating a plateful of curry.                             
He cried, "It's so hot,                                     
I shall soon need a lot                                     
Of very cold drinks in a hurry."                            
                                                            
28717 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Funfax Limericks         



A rutterkin lived in a dingle,                              
Dretching his theow, who would dringle,                     
"Your crug's no great loss,                                 
Nor you snawky slibber-sauce.                               
Such lubber-wort just make me pingle!"                      
                                                            
28718 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Susan K. Sperling   P8309



Rutterkin - swaggering boor   Dingle - shady dell by hills  
Dretching - tormenting        Theow - servant               
Dringle - waste time lazily   Crug - bread dipped in beer   
Snawky - nauseating           Lubber-wort - junk food       
Slibber-sauce - concoctions usualy medical                  
Pingle - to eat with no appetite                            
28719 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Susan K. Sperling   P8309



The moral of this little line                               
Is to know where and when not to dine.                      
Lest I bore you, I fear,                                    
I'll end my tale here.                                      
It's beginning to sound asinine.                            
                                                            
28720 GOURMETS - CHEFS               Terry Greenwalt     P0302



There was an old lady of Brooking,                          
Who had a great genius for cooking.                         
She could bake sixty pies                                   
All about the same size,                                    
And tell which was which without looking.                   
                                                            
28721 GOURMETS - CHEFS                                        



A beggar who hollers, "Baksheesh!"                          
Will hardly expect a pastiche                               
Or a mixture of gook                                        
From tyros who cook                                         
A hodgepodge and call it a quiche.                          
                                                            
28722 GOURMETS - CHEFS               R. J. Winkler       P8407



A short-order cook, Dominique,                              
Could not bear the slightest critique.                      
When her burgers grew mold,                                 
She stiffened and told                                      
The complainant, "They are antique!"                        
                                                            
28723 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Emmanuel Lamprecht       



There once was a gourmet whose waffle                       
Was hard and incredibly awful.                              
He was using concrete                                       
Instead of whole wheat.                                     
His recipe should be unlawful.                              
                                                            
28724 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Tillmanator              



There once was a chef in Paris,                             
Who piddled in a BAIN-MARIE                                 
And with smile sublime                                      
Said, "It sure saves time,                                  
As I cook with the other hand free."                        
                                                            
28725 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Chris Papa               



There was an old maid of Van Nuys,                          
Who went crazy from making mud pies.                        
She would fill them with farts,                             
And pickled beef hearts,                                    
And bake them between her fierce thighs.                    
(Take the beans, they'll beef hearts tomorrow. - McW)       
28726 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                           L0903



To the Moose Cafe we retreated,                             
Where the owners made sure we were seated                   
To a spot with good views.                                  
The food got good reviews.                                  
We stayed till our food was depleted.                       
                                                            
28727 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Hilde na Baeg            



Before Penny and Jim's marriage day,                        
She called him a Greek god. Now they say                    
That she has begun                                          
To treat him like one--                                     
With burnt offerings three times a day.                     
                                                            
28728 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       A. N. Wilkins       P8309



Famed Research Dietitian, LePlace,                          
Was stripped of his Chef's hat in disgrace.                 
His research nutritional                                    
Was non-traditional.                                        
He'd faked his Bouilla and data baisse.                     
                                                            
28729 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



A statesman who lived near the Isis                         
Remarked to his cook in a crisis:                           
"This meat is so tough,                                     
It is more than enough                                      
To give a gas oven gastritis!"                              
                                                            
28730 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Linda Marsh Coll         



Mrs Perfesser took a couple of rocks,                       
Which (nearsighted) she took for ham hocks.                 
She whipped up a soup,                                      
With onions and goop,                                       
But it tasted a bit like gym socks.                         
                                                            
28731 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



His sight was so feeble and blurred,                        
That into his porridge he stirred                           
A handful of hay,                                           
And a dollop of clay,                                       
And other things odd and absurd.                            
                                                            
28732 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       William K. Alsop    P9211



A careless young bride name of White,                       
The dinner had burned in a fright.                          
Soon her husband was due                                    
And she cried in a stew,                                    
"I wonder what he'll eat tonight?"                          
                                                            
28733 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Albin Chaplin   3024-1301



In the kitchen, poor Richard was caught,                    
And he said, with his hand in the pot,                      
"Though I did bake a cake,                                  
What I miss -- I miss steak --                              
But a cook -- this for certain I'm not!"                    
                                                            
28734 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Albin Chaplin   3024-2947



No master, The Clam Bake's chef Patch;                      
Don't gulp his poor wares down your hatch;                  
His frog legs are gimpy;                                    
His scampi are skimpy;                                      
His fish you would swear last year's catch.                 
                                                            
28735 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Armand E Singer        87



"I'm going to cook dinner", said my guy,                    
But he found that his recipe was shy.                       
I said it would fit,                                        
If he'd just double it.                                     
He said, "The oven is not that high"!                       
                                                            
28736 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



Now my friend is realy the most!                            
But on cooking, he gave up the ghost.                       
He can't make a batch,                                      
Of anything by scratch.                                     
But he says," 'Least I can boil toast."                     
                                                            
28737 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



I knew a guy once just as bad;                              
His idea of cooking was sad.                                
He boiled up some beans                                     
Without opening them it seems,                              
And now with beans his ceiling is clad.                     
                                                            
28738 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



He once a strawberry milk shake                             
In the blender decided to make.                             
So he put it all in,                                        
Switched it on for a spin                                   
WITHOUT the lid.  A mistake!                                
                                                            
28739 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



With these experiences he is reeling,                       
(I think I know the feeling).                               
I can tell what he's eaten                                  
Grilled, whisked or beaten                                  
By the remnants that's left on the ceiling!                 
                                                            
28740 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



A guy became really a curser                                
When his chef burned his food, but much worser,             
He took the chef's life,                                    
Caught him down on his wife.                                
"You fucked up my eating and vice-versa!"                   
                                                            
28741 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Theo Heller         P9408



The Dowager Duchess of Drake                                
Collapsed at the height of a wake;                          
She found strength to shout,                                
As they bore her bod out:                                   
'I should never have taken the cake.'                       
                                                            
28742 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Arthur Deex         P0303



The Dowager Duchess of Bream                                
Collapsed at the height of a dream;                         
She found strength to whine                                 
As they bore her supine:                                    
'I should never have taken the cream.'                      
                                                            
28743 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Arthur Deex         P0303



The Dowager Duchess of Snoot                                
Collapsed at the height of a toot;                          
She found strength to cry                                   
As they bore her on high:                                   
'I should never have taken the fruit.'                      
                                                            
28744 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Arthur Deex         P0303



Been reading a cookery book                                 
'Bout trussing up poultry to cook;                          
While here on the floor,                                    
With his eye on the door,                                   
Is that turkey called Gobbledy-gook.                        
                                                            
28745 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Peter Wilkins            



I had him last Christmas, as well,                          
And chased him around for a spell;                          
I told him he ought                                         
To be cooked but he fought                                  
Me and dammit!  He bit me to hell!                          
                                                            
28746 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Peter Wilkins            



He's looking quite shifty today,                            
Preparing, I think, for the fray.                           
He doesn't know what,                                       
For I've hidden the pot                                     
And the stuffing and suchlike away.                         
                                                            
28747 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Peter Wilkins            



The new chef, young David's not sane;                       
His sauces are never just plain.                            
The one he delivers                                         
With cooked and chopped livers,                             
Are such even Portnoy complains!                            
                                                            
28748 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



The young apprentice chef, Luke,                            
Made souffle's which rose as a fluke.                       
And if you ate one,                                         
You'd go for a run                                          
To a place you could privately puke!                        
                                                            
28749 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Archie                   



A cordon bleu chef down in Nice                             
Grabbed a waitress and knocked off a piece.                 
When her pussy went dry                                     
He frenched his own fry,                                    
After grabbing the wrong pan of grease.                     
                                                            
28750 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



We went to a bistro in Chad,                                
One which wasn't too far from our pad,                      
Where so lengthy a wait                                     
Would have made us irate,                                   
If the food hadn't been quite so bad.                       
                                                            
28751 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       A. N. Wilkins       P8709



A butcher's apprentice named Tuel                           
Was tossed from the Master Bates' school.                   
In 'Rendering Ham'                                          
He failed each exam --                                      
He barely could get it to drool.                            
                                                            
28752 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



And Joe really loved Betty's trick,                         
Though he had to give her the flick,                        
The day she confused                                        
The implements used,                                        
And somehow scrambled his dick!                             
                                                            
28753 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT                                



In Zurich a chef named Girard                               
Held a barbecue in his back yard.                           
His clothing ignited,                                       
Which breezes incited,                                      
The result that ensued was Swiss Charred.                   
                                                            
28754 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Bob Giandomenico    P9311



A poor clod by the name of Tod,                             
Used his hog as a lightening rod.                           
The bolt when it blew,                                      
Made a Tod barbecue.                                        
Tod's a clod as his plan was slipshod.                      
                                                            
28755 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Annie Jay                



There was a young cook name of Brook,                       
Who cooked too much soup from a book.                       
It turned out with bad taste                                
And it all went to waste.                                   
There was far too much soup for one cook.                   
                                                            
28756 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Albin Chaplin            



Your cooking's a terrible thing;                            
Nettle pie had a bit of a sting.                            
With gravy like tar,                                        
The worst meal by far.                                      
The spaghetti was more like old string.                     
                                                            
28757 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Funny Bone               



A young man with ambition to cook                           
Purchased a brown-covered book.                             
Recipes were so creepy,                                     
"In yak urine steep thee",                                  
He soon forsook schnook cookbook.                           
                                                            
28758 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Patrick Powers           



He was finished with books that were brown;                 
The next one, instead, upside down.                         
Though shortly he flirted                                   
With cookware inverted,                                     
The results made him feel like a clown.                     
                                                            
28759 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Patrick Powers           



With pots and pans held upside down,                        
Any liquid would course to the ground.                      
With the pan on the top,                                    
An omelette would plop                                      
On the hearth with disheartening sound.                     
                                                            
28760 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Patrick Powers           



Nor were his breads a success;                              
From the pans the sad loaves did egress.                    
"I dearly hope though,                                      
They will refund my dough;                                  
It took hours to clean up the mess."                        
                                                            
28761 GOURMETS - CHEFS - INEPT       Patrick Powers           



The chef at our local cafe                                  
Is also a stripper, they say.                               
To his customer's delight,                                  
He performs every night,                                    
With his meat and two veg on display.                       
                                                            
28762 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Bob Hunt                 



We met in the kitchen last night --                         
Both looking for some little bite.                          
You fed me sultanas;                                        
I peeled you bananas.                                       
We found we had more appetite.                              
                                                            
28763 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Ericka                   



So syrup I dripped on your neck;                            
Then I bit -- just to see the effect.                       
You covered my nipples                                      
With butterscotch ripple --                                 
They stood up all pert and erect.                           
                                                            
28764 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Ericka                   



The honey just pooled on your chest                         
So I rubbed it all off with my breasts.                     
But then the whipped cream                                  
Got stopped in mid-stream,                                  
So you coaxed it, and kissed and caressed.                  
                                                            
28765 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Ericka                   



Then I gave the mustard a squirt --                         
Thought I'd decorate your frankfurt --                      
I'd love a bite                                             
Of that hot dog tonight....                                 
But tell me, what's for dessert?                            
                                                            
28766 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Ericka                   



A Baltimore chef named of Frisch                            
Is not known for his soups or grilled fish,                 
Nor succulent steaks                                        
Nor cakes that he bakes,                                    
But beaver flambe'd in a dish.                              
                                                            
28767 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Armand E Singer       117



There was a fine lady named Anne                            
Whose talent for cooking was grand.                         
She'd saute' all day,                                       
And then roll in the hay,                                   
After carefully picking her man.                            
                                                            
28768 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Margaret A. Murdock P8302



While preparing a dinner first class,                       
The chef felt the dishwasher's ass.                         
As she spread out her feet                                  
He proceeded to eat,                                        
And she said, "You are cooking with gas."                   
                                                            
28769 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Albin Chaplin   3024-0801



The chef de cuisine Monsieur Blunt,                         
For a new recipe once did hunt.                             
His soup of perfection                                      
Gave men an erection,                                       
So he labeled it Broth de la Cunt.                          
                                                            
28770 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1957



A girl that loved cooking, Miss Wise,                       
Made a meal that would win a first prize.                   
She invited young Hunt,                                     
But he first ate her cunt,                                  
Then her asshole and all her French fries.                  
                                                            
28771 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1302



Tonight I prepared Shrimp Alfredo,                          
Served hot with mescal from Laredo.                         
Then, as is my credo,                                       
I boffed my new maid-o,                                     
Like I was a Kansas tornado.                                
                                                            
28772 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Travis Brasell           



Said the Duchess of Windsor, "I say --                      
Our new cook is a really good lay.                          
He's the best that I've had."                               
Said the Duke, "But Egad!!                                  
Can the man make a decent souffle?"                         
                                                            
28773 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Michael Weinstein   P8307



There once were two cooks from Barbados                     
Who dated two buxom tomatoes.                               
After lengthly maneuvers                                    
They said, "That's the hors d'oeuvres;                      
Now prepare for the meat and potatoes!"                     
                                                            
28774 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      Albin Chaplin 3024  G1487



Sir, the chef's in a bit of a stew.                         
When the waitress at post number 2,                         
Comes into the kitchen,                                     
He's so busy hitchin'                                       
His pants, that he burns the ragout.                        
                                                            
28775 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL      John Ciardi              



An entre of 'Pussi Felinni'                                 
And fresh nips on hot titilinni,                            
Are succulent, filling,                                     
And make dining thrilling,                                  
When stuffed with my plump, juicy wienni.                   
                                                            
28776 GOURMETS - CHEFS - SEXUAL                               



I won't eat Chicken Ding in Hong Kong,                      
Though I'm told that my reasoning's wrong.                  
I know that a ding                                          
Is the name of the thing                                    
That swings either side of a dong.                          
                                                            
28777 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Pierce Evans             



A sinologue student at Queens'                              
Complained of a slug in his greens.                         
And yet dishes Chinese                                      
Contain oodles of these,                                    
Especially in chicken chow meins.                           
(Queens' College of Cambridge)                              
28778 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Harold C. Bibby          



In Dublin, a Chinese from China                             
Went into O'Sullivan's Diner,                               
Ordered cabbage, corned beef,                               
Heard the chef, with relief,                                
Say, "Today our egg foo yung is finer."                     
                                                            
28779 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Warrick Elrod            



In a Chinese restaraunt in St. Louis,                       
You can order a lovely chop suey.                           
It's the best in Missouri                                   
And this eastern pot-pourri                                 
Is served steaming, all messy and gooey.                    
                                                            
28780 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Deck Hedger              



Of restaurants ethnic and foreign,                          
Chinese just might be the least borin'.                     
There's moo goo gai pan                                     
And almond guy dan;                                         
It's food that I can't help adorin'.                        
                                                            
28781 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Younger Brother          



An oriental restaurant in Crewe                             
Serves chopsticks with dinner for two.                      
The savory rice                                             
Is all fluffy and nice,                                     
But the chopsticks are so hard to chew.                     
                                                            
28782 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Funfax Limericks         



A masturbating gourmand from Hanoi,                         
Had a tool that resembled Bok Choi.                         
What came in his hand,                                      
Looked like Moo Goo Gai Pan,                                
So he ate it with ducksauce and soy.                        
                                                            
28783 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Richard Long             



The joy of WOK cooking sets tone,                           
For partners in kitchen are shown:                          
No matter the weather,                                      
Those who together                                          
Do cook Chineses, never WOK alone.                          
                                                            
28784 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Daniel Ford              



Although the Chinese don't complain,                        
The abundance of Chow Chows is plain;                       
And though it's not kind,                                   
You should keep this in mind                                
The next time you're eating Chow Mein.                      
                                                            
28785 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Margaret A. Murdock P8309



I recommend noodles at dawn,                                
Or a plate full of sweet-and-sour prawn.                    
But you don't want to mess                                  
With young Jasmine Leaf's dress,                            
For Ho Fuk has a shotgun off-sawn.                          
                                                            
28786 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Said the Lama, "What fabulous luck!                         
Yes, I know that the communists suck.                       
They're disgusting and mean,                                
Shameful, foul and obscene,                                 
But their fowl -- I just love Peking Duck!"                 
                                                            
28787 GOURMETS - CHINESE             William N. Nesbit   P9712



A confederate chef put great stock                          
In Chinese meals for his flock.                             
He could skillfully cook,                                   
So he's written a book,                                     
Aptly titled, "The Reb and the Wok".                        
                                                            
28788 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Bob Giandomenico    P9608



I went to a restaurant Chinese                              
"Number seventy-two, if you please",                        
I said. That strange writing                                
Looked rather exciting,                                     
But what did I get?  Monkeys' knees...                      
                                                            
28789 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



...Surrounded by what seemed like oodles                    
Of entrails (or possibly noodles)                           
And sweet 'n' sour prawn                                    
Balls which one could have sworn                            
Were the testicles (maybe) of poodles.                      
                                                            
28790 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



"These fresh?" I asked. "Flesh as can be",                  
Said the waiter Ho Fuk Yu Lychee,                           
"Would you rike some flied lice?"                           
I said, "That would be nice;                                
And a pot of your Jasmine Leaf Tea."                        
                                                            
28791 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



At that he got rather irate                                 
And said, "Have what you like on your plate;                
But I won't heat the water                                  
To brew up my daughter;                                     
The beautiful Jasmine Leaf, mate."                          
                                                            
28792 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Ho Fuk Yu Lychee has three daughters                        
Employed in his kitchen as porters;                         
But sweet Jasmine Leaf                                      
Has been causing me grief                                   
From the age of fifteen and three-quarters.                 
                                                            
28793 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



That's her age, not my age, you see;                        
And we often have afternoon tea                             
In the kitchen while father                                 
Is out and she rather                                       
Enjoys herself sat on my knee.                              
                                                            
28794 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



My hand creeps up under her dress                           
And she smiles as I start to caress.                        
She giggles and wriggles                                    
And constantly jiggles                                      
Which causes me trouser distress.                           
                                                            
28795 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



I'd love to get into her beaver                             
And dampen her ardour and fever                             
Or give her a suck,                                         
But her father Ho Fuk                                       
Has a fucking good aim with his cleaver.                    
                                                            
28796 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



A Chinese man named Hung Lo;                                
And his wife, named Fuk Mei Slo;                            
With their baby, Suc Sum Tit,                               
Took their Dachshund, Shteppin Schitt,                      
To get spayed,  now he's Fuk No Mo.                         
                                                            
28797 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Ho Fuk Yu Lychee's oldest daughter,                         
Chrysanthemum Bud, never oughta                             
Have married so young                                       
To her cousin No Hung,                                      
A Malaysian noodle importer.                                
                                                            
28798 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



He wooed her with noodles and rice,                         
But could only just manage it twice,                        
And turned out such a dud                                   
That Chrysanthemum Bud                                      
Took to poodles; a singular vice.                           
                                                            
28799 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Frustrated, No Hung shaved his pubes                        
And took hormones to grow his own boobs                     
Then he sliced off his meat;                                
Transformation complete                                     
Though, his business went right down the tubes.             
                                                            
28800 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



They now live together in Ho;                               
Fuk Yu's scullery rolling out dough,                        
Which they make into noodles                                
And feed to the poodles,                                    
To help make their testicles grow.                          
                                                            
28801 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



If on your mind is Jasmine Leaf's beaver;                   
Then duck Ho Fuk and his cleaver;                           
Give your Willie the best,                                  
Let it rise from it's rest,                                 
And give her your own beaver cleaver.                       
                                                            
28802 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Ho Fuk's extra-marital bonk                                 
With his cousin Yu Fuk Me-Ann Honk                          
Led inevitably                                              
To another Lychee,                                          
Name of Lotus Flower; alias Conk.                           
                                                            
28803 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Now Conk (who's the favourite daughter)                     
Would like her proboscis made shorter,                      
But fortunately                                             
For Ho Fuk Yu Lychee                                        
She can snorkel for hours under water.                      
                                                            
28804 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



The restaurant, famous for glass-                           
Sided tanks full of lobster and bass,                       
Serves the freshest of fish;                                
If you fancy a dish,                                        
Just ask Conk to dive in; it's a gas.                       
                                                            
28805 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



She wiggles her cute little bum                             
In the air and with finger and thumb                        
She grabs hold of a trout                                   
Or a lobster; comes out                                     
And cooks wonderfully tasty dim sum.                        
                                                            
28806 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



In the dark slips Jasmine the tongue;                       
Make sure it's not sis, Wai Tu Yung;                        
Get it puffy and slick,                                     
And ready for your plick,                                   
With a rhythmic clitoral strum.                             
                                                            
28807 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Now Ho Fuk keeps his ear to the walls;                      
Just to catch you and lop-off your balls;                   
So you gotta be slick,                                      
Get in and out quick,                                       
And don't moan, it echoes down halls.                       
                                                            
28808 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



But the menu lists, Yung Poon Tang;                         
My favorite compliment for the Wang;                        
Slip it in, outta sight,                                    
They serve it up, nice n' tight,                            
It's the appetizer served with a bang.                      
                                                            
28809 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Yes I took Lotus Flower, alias Conk;                        
In the restroom for a quick bonk;                           
My wang got all slick,                                      
She cried, "Yu Cum Quik",                                   
"So, you bobo I not have to honk".                          
                                                            
28810 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Yes I tried Lotus Flower Lychee;                            
It was as tasty a dish as can be;                           
Her tits were all pouty,                                    
True chinee takee outee,                                    
Next time, I'll try Chik Goo Wee.                           
                                                            
28811 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



Ho Fuk Yu Lychee wonders why;                               
Hu (his brother), had sex with Di;                          
They co-habitate in reeds,                                  
The welcome mat reads:                                      
Welcome!  Ho Fuk, Hu and Di.                                
                                                            
28812 GOURMETS - CHINESE                                      



A Chinese chef, known as Cookie,                            
Teach new Chinese chef, rookie Cookie.                      
Bickie, or biscuit, all same fortune cookie,                
Eat fortune cookie, promise big nookie,                     
Cookie lookee for lucky rookie cookie. Fuckee!!             
                                                            
28813 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Jim Weaver Collection    



One evening while eating Chinese,                           
I spilled Sweet and Sour on my knees.                       
My trousers exploded;                                       
My socks were corroded;                                     
I went home in a pair of lychees.                           
                                                            
28814 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Bill Wall                



A gourmet in downtown Butte, no less,                       
Vowed that now his meals would be tofu-less.                
"The smell is not savory,                                   
The taste is not flavory,                                   
And the sight is positively scrofulous.                     
                                                            
28815 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Bruce Thompson           



In a Chinatown eatery, Dutch                                
Told the waiter, "This dinner is such                       
That the salad's like shrubbery,                            
And the chicken is rubbery."                                
And the waiter said, "Thanks berry much!"                   
                                                            
28816 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Hugh Clary               



If you're going to cook on a WOK,                           
Learn to keep your eye on the clock.                        
Food gets done in a flash;                                  
Overcooked it is hash;                                      
Take it from me, an old WOK jock.                           
                                                            
28817 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Norm Brust               



When husband cooks food in a WOK,                           
His efforts I don't want to knock,                          
But the recipe book,                                        
He gives not a look.                                        
So I go outside for a walk.                                 
                                                            
28818 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Elois                    



While in China my folks were agog                           
When they first heard this strange dialog:                  
"Did you go to the store?"                                  
"No, I'll go about four.                                    
And after, I must wok the dog."                             
                                                            
28819 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Al Willis                



Keep your fence sturdy, throughout;                         
Keep your dog so he cannot get out.                         
For a pup that runs free                                    
May turn out to be                                          
The "Special" at Chinese take-out!                          
                                                            
28820 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Pikelmeister       TP9806



At our county fair, Asian Chef Lauk                         
At a challenge just never did balk.                         
Bean sprouts and Bok Choy                                   
He'd stir in sauce, Soy.                                    
And each year won first prize in a Wok.                     
                                                            
28821 GOURMETS - CHINESE             Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



A two-twenty-two pounder, Nate,                             
His diet has kept up to date;                               
Losing one pound a day                                      
From the first of May,                                      
And ending December the Eight.                              
                                                            
28822 GOURMETS - DIETS               Irving Superior     P8402



We're all on the new Atkins Diet.                           
For losing weight you should try it!                        
No carbs, nothing sweet,                                    
But it's all right to eat                                   
Your steak tartar or you can fry it.                        
                                                            
28823 GOURMETS - DIETS               Lynn Mostafa             



Said the diet book authors, "We thank                       
All you gullible folks who'd be lank.                       
Your body's not tighter,                                    
Your wallet is lighter,                                     
And we laugh all the way to the bank."                      
                                                            
28824 GOURMETS - DIETS               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9504



A shvengering West Palm gal's craving                       
Some good kosher food--She is raving,                       
"Bring home cream cheese and lox,                           
And of bagels, a box,                                       
Oy vey! It's my life you are saving!"                       
                                                            
28825 GOURMETS - DIETS               Robert A. Norman    P9507



One who read Science online,                                
Lived sprightly till age ninety-nine.                       
He knew from the stats                                      
That he shouldn't eat fats,                                 
And instead he drank blueberry wine.                        
                                                            
28826 GOURMETS - DIETS               Prof M-G                 



Put on your big baggy clothes;                              
Stretch out in sleepy repose.                               
You need a rest                                             
To help you digest;                                         
Burp and fart to ease your woes.                            
                                                            
28827 GOURMETS - DIETS               Karen                    



Since my diet is strict at each meal,                       
I've begun to enjoy how I feel.                             
Exercise tapes, food labs,                                  
Tightened my buns and abs,                                  
But my wrinkled skin sags a great deal.                     
                                                            
28828 GOURMETS - DIETS               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9504



Food can be very erotic;                                    
Cool, hot, and somewhat exotic --                           
Whipped cream, strawberries,                                
Sweet ripe red cherries,                                    
Chocolate sauce dribbled on thick.                          
                                                            
28829 GOURMETS - DIETS               Arden                    



Your verse has set me quite flipping,                       
So my kitchen I've started equipping.                       
Your dishes sound fine,                                     
So I've brought rope and twine,                             
But less for the cream than the whipping.                   
                                                            
28830 GOURMETS - DIETS               Bob Mornington           



Will you tie me to the kitchen table,                       
So moving I will not be able                                
To do readily,                                              
While you whip me                                           
And cream me with your thickening cable?                    
                                                            
28831 GOURMETS - DIETS               Arden                    



A pretty young girl named Corrina,                          
Tried a diet to make herself leaner.                        
Then at long last,                                          
She ended her fast,                                         
But she's so thin that nobody's seen her.                   
                                                            
28832 GOURMETS - DIETS               Jim Campey               



There once was a colorful fellow,                           
Whose skin looked like lemony Jello.                        
'Twas the carrots he ate                                    
By the pound and the crate,                                 
That turned him from white into yellow.                     
                                                            
28833 GOURMETS - DIETS               Edwin J Weinstein        



The sword swallower promised to try it                      
And went to the drugstore to buy it --                      
A tonic much touted                                         
By his doctor, who doubted                                  
That he had enough iron in his diet.                        
                                                            
28834 GOURMETS - DIETS               A. N. Wilkins       P8711



"Since you thinned down soon after you met her,             
Having gone on a diet to get her,                           
Why didn't you wed                                          
The Lady?" He said,                                         
Once thin, I thought I could do better."                    
                                                            
28835 GOURMETS - DIETS               A. N. Wilkins       P8402



There was a dyspeptic old Dago                              
Who lived on hot water and sago;                            
When people asked why,                                      
He made this reply,                                         
"Well, it's better than chronic lumbago."                   
                                                            
28836 GOURMETS - DIETS               Anon Punch 1926   (Bibby)



The fat girl threw over her diet.                           
She said, "If I'm fated to die, it                          
Is best to be gay                                           
And have fun on the weigh.                                  
If I get a white shroud, I shall dye it."                   
                                                            
28837 GOURMETS - DIETS               Laurence Perrine    P8402



An historical scholar confirms                              
That when Charles V once came to terms                      
With the need to lose weight,                               
He agreed on a date                                         
For beginning the Diet of Worms.                            
                                                            
28838 GOURMETS - DIETS               A. N. Wilkins       P9504



Use only lean meat in your diet.                            
It's best that you grill it, not fry it.                    
Some say, better still,                                     
If you have a strong will,                                  
When you go to the market, don't buy it.                    
                                                            
28839 GOURMETS - DIETS               Dorman John Grace   P9504



If doubtful on whether to diet,                             
If thinking to "yes or no", try it.                         
Think blood pressure/weight                                 
May mean Pearly Gate,                                       
And surely you don't want to die yet.                       
                                                            
28840 GOURMETS - DIETS               Irving Superior     P9504



In the U.K. we buy fish and chips,                          
Which are no good at all for the hips.                      
If you think that's not nice,                               
Take your doctor's advice.                                  
Do not let what he lists pass your lips.                    
                                                            
28841 GOURMETS - DIETS               Arthur Pattaffy          



The Drinking Man's Diet's a hit.                            
Just pour down the booze till you split.                    
Eat plenty hors d'oeuvres                                   
To steady your nerves.                                      
No weight loss, but you won't give a shit.                  
                                                            
28842 GOURMETS - DIETS               Theo M. Heller      P9504



I don't mean to get anyone miffed,                          
But, are body parts starting to shift?                      
If your main goal                                           
Is weight control,                                          
Never eat more than you can lift!                           
                                                            
28843 GOURMETS - DIETS               Ron Sartain              



There was a young fellow of Fyfe                            
Who often embarrassed his wife.                             
He wasn't a satyr,                                          
Or prevaricator,                                            
He just ate his eggs with his knife.                        
                                                            
28844 GOURMETS - DIETS               Warrick Elrod            



There was a young lady named Wigger                         
Who ate like a bird for her figure.                         
From the size of her turd,                                  
I'm afraid that the bird                                    
Was an elephant bird or much bigger.                        
                                                            
28845 GOURMETS - DIETS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1238



I've seen this amazing new diet;                            
Post-Christmas I feel I should try it.                      
It tells me to fast                                         
Until New Years is passed;                                  
But on second thought, I won't buy it.                      
                                                            
28846 GOURMETS - DIETS               Ken Rose                 



Though his mother had said to him, "Never                   
Eat fast. It's fatal endeavor."                             
He ate fast and faster                                      
Till he met with disaster,                                  
And now he is fasting forever.                              
                                                            
28847 GOURMETS - DIETS               Laurence Perrine    P9504



A young man both hungry and odd                             
Decided to dine upon sod.                                   
To do this he dared,                                        
But was quite unprepared,                                   
For the weeds that grew out of his bod.                     
                                                            
28848 GOURMETS - DIETS               Will Duquette            



The food industry's been very clever,                       
Our bad eating habits to sever;                             
It's low fat or fat-free                                    
And all low calorie.                                        
So how come we're fatter than ever?                         
                                                            
28849 GOURMETS - DIETS               John Miller              



On diets, a notice to all--                                 
Your shadow will then be more small.                        
If this you should hate,                                    
High heels compensate.                                      
Your shadow will then be more tall.                         
                                                            
28850 GOURMETS - DIETS               Irving Superior     P9504



They say that the way to men's hearts                       
Is good food from soup to tarts.                            
A chocolate eclair                                          
Will stiffen him there,                                     
But too much will give him the farts.                       
                                                            
28851 GOURMETS - DIETS               Bob Mornington           



There once was a woman named Maude,                         
Whose figure was terribly broad.                            
She devoured outright                                       
All the candy in sight,                                     
And on small wooden objects she gnawed!                     
                                                            
28852 GOURMETS - DIETS               Vassar W. Smith     P9504



A black Benedictine from Prinknash                (Prinatch)
Had such an aversion to spinach                             
That soon he was sated                                      
By that which he hated,                                     
And gorged on green gherkins from Greenwich.                
                                                            
28853 GOURMETS - DIETS               Harold C Bibby           



There once was a fellow named Murray                        
Whose vision often turned blurry.                           
With eyes fill with tears                                   
And steam from his ears,                                    
He'd vow to stop eating hot curry.                          
                                                            
28854 GOURMETS - DIETS               Edwin J Weinstein        



Try not to indulge in much junk,                            
It puts me in quite a funk.                                 
But, alas, forsooth,                                        
I have a sweet tooth --                                     
So into the junk I have slunk.                              
                                                            
28855 GOURMETS - DIETS               Sue Johnson              



"Legislators," observed Mr. Wyatt,                          
"In Japan are so thin it's a riot.                          
They never get fat                                          
And the reason is that                                      
They always stick close to their diet.                      
                                                            
28856 GOURMETS - DIETS               A. N. Wilkins       P8402



I've got a sister called Melly,                             
She went on a diet of Jelly.                                
She ate it all day                                          
And wasted away,                                            
But it sure flattened out her belly.                        
                                                            
28857 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



Cold pie and lots of ice cream;                             
Calories burn like a dream.                                 
The colder the sweet,                                       
The more you can eat.                                       
Burn off all the fat in the steam!                          
                                                            
28858 GOURMETS - DIETS               Karen                    



There was an old alchemist, Strensall,                      
Who studied his chamber utensil.                            
His conclusion, sincere,                                    
Was an egg in your beer                                     
Could be used to put lead in your pencil.                   
                                                            
28859 GOURMETS - DIETS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2324



If your memory's failing, take heed;                        
Lecithin may be just what you need.                         
Egg yolks contain it;                                       
Those who disdain it                                        
Won't have idling brains brought to speed.                  
                                                            
28860 GOURMETS - DIETS               Esther Koch              



I'm starving, got a bad stomach ache;                       
This diet's more'n I can take.                              
Guess I just had enough                                     
Vegetarian stuff.                                           
Someone help me -- my life is at steak!                     
                                                            
28861 GOURMETS - DIETS               Eva Bekker               



I once had a teacher named Pat                              
Who thought that she was much too fat.                      
Her diet put fight in her                                   
Which made her more frightener;                             
I'd rather have fatty Pat back.                             
                                                            
28862 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



Come here, let me fix you a snack,                          
I've brought it along in this sack.                         
Some good wine and cheese,                                  
It is sure to please,                                       
With dessert that will make your lips smack.                
                                                            
28863 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



As best-selling experts, the band                           
Of diet book writers command                                
Authorial fees                                              
As large as they please,                                    
For they live off the fat of the land.                      
                                                            
28864 GOURMETS - DIETS               A. N. Wilkins       P9504



Among the world's greatest illusions--                      
Along with the New Year Resolutions;                        
Love, Honor, Obey;                                          
And Armistice Day--                                         
And diets, our long term solutions.                         
                                                            
28865 GOURMETS - DIETS               Irving Superior     P9504



I went on a low fat diet THIS summer,                       
I thought it would be a "Bummer",                           
Fifteen pounds disappeared,                                 
And I still drink some beer,                                
I should have started LAST summer.                          
                                                            
28866 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



I found I was increasing in girth;                          
To my friends this caused lots of mirth.                    
I went on winter breaks;                                    
Gave up wines, gave up steaks;                              
I lost inches at these times of re-birth,                   
                                                            
28867 GOURMETS - DIETS               Arthur Pattaffy          



A hobbledehoy name of Roy,                                  
A Hawaiian -- (he sure loved his poi).                      
He thought it was nice                                      
And preferred it to rice,                                   
Though he drowned it in buckets of soy.                     
                                                            
28868 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



Remember, be careful, decrease                              
All gorging on sugar and grease.                            
For thoughtless ingestion                                   
Increases digestion                                         
And certainly makes one obese!                              
                                                            
28869 GOURMETS - DIETS               R. J. Winkler       P8402



You ladies are all very quiet;                              
As for me, I get fierce when I diet.                        
When I'm fighting the fat,                                  
I get mean as a rat,                                        
Then I'm out on the streets causing riot!                   
                                                            
28870 GOURMETS - DIETS               Jean Fox                 



Cholesterol? It's not a hex!                                
The answer's not really complex.                            
Defeating a lipid,                                          
With diet's insipid;                                        
Instead we use marathon sex!                                
                                                            
28871 GOURMETS - DIETS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Along comes another new diet,                               
And of course, I just have to try it.                       
So I part with my dough,                                    
But the pounds never go;                                    
"Oh waiter, More chicken, and fry it!"                      
                                                            
28872 GOURMETS - DIETS               Renwa (G Wherry?)  TP9806



Seriously though, it's no joke,                             
For this Mueslix is great for us folk,                      
Who are ... cough, splutter, yuk!                           
Shit! It's horrible muck,                                   
And the bloody stuff's making me choke.                     
                                                            
28873 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



I've never found Mueslix enthusing;                         
But now that I've given up boozing,                         
I find that it's taste                                      
(Unlike wallpaper paste),                                   
Is quite pleasantly bland and amusing.                      
                                                            
28874 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



A parent, otherwise apt and able,                           
Raised his kids in a two-horse stable.                      
And fed them all day                                        
Apparently on hay.                                          
How odd that they never said neigh.                         
                                                            
28875 GOURMETS - DIETS               The Weaver Collection    



If you're stumped on which diet to eat,                     
As you're chomping away on your meat,                       
A burger and fries                                          
Are not the best buys                                       
In reducing the size of your seat.                          
                                                            
28876 GOURMETS - DIETS               Edwin J Weinstein        



A hamburger, fries, and a Coke                              
At a fast-food joint won't make you broke.                  
But think of the calories,                                  
Lined up in galleries --                                    
Those, my friend, should make you choke.                    
                                                            
28877 GOURMETS - DIETS               Norm Storer              



A reason that some are obese                                
Is found in the fact they increase                          
Ingestion of sweets,                                        
Rich gravy and meats,                                       
Forgetting their "pigging" should cease!                    
                                                            
28878 GOURMETS - DIETS               R. J. Winkler       P8402



If losing weight is your aim, then go diet;                 
When out shopping, don't try to buy it.                     
When will power says no,                                    
Your waistline will go.                                     
You still like your food?  So don't try it.                 
                                                            
28879 GOURMETS - DIETS               Arthur Pattaffy          



You left without telling me, Sue.                           
I suppose you and he are now through.                       
And you missed me?  Oh yes?                                 
Well I couln't care less                                    
What you do while I'm having me stew.                       
                                                            
28880 GOURMETS - DIETS               Peter Wilkins            



A stubborn old woman named Beryl                            
Did dangerous things at her peril.                          
She swallowed sharp things,                                 
Like barbed wire and springs,                               
And refused to eat anything sterile.                        
                                                            
28881 GOURMETS - DIETS               Anon                     



"Offal!"  I just love that word!                            
Thesauri say "filth", that's absurd.                        
It's got a bad name,                                        
Got covered with shame,                                     
'Cause peasants ate all undeterred.                         
                                                            
28882 GOURMETS - DIETS               Tutta Gioia              



When he saw a fat salesman named Fred                       
Make a meal off of cheese and rye bread,                    
"Are you on a diet?"                                        
Inquired Mr. Wyatt.                                         
"No, I'm on commission," he said.                           
                                                            
28883 GOURMETS - DIETS               A. N. Wilkins       P8402



The English say mornings are rough,                         
So for breakfast, eat oodles of stuff,                      
Like bangers and beans                                      
And mushrooms and greens,                                   
But the French say one egg is an oeuf.                      
                                                            
28884 GOURMETS - DIETS               Hugh Clary               



The Irish, likewise, stuff the gullet                       
With rashers and champ and will pullet                      
Eggs done over easy.                                        
It makes me so queasy,                                      
I share it, sometimes with the mullet.                      
                                                            
28885 GOURMETS - DIETS               Liam na Beag             



While perusing the menu for tea                             
With my three year old sat on my knee,                      
I said "Just my luck...                                     
I'll have an Orange Duck."                                  
"Think I'll have a green one", said she!                    
                                                            
28886 GOURMETS - DIETS               Joie de Vivre            



Abstention means no onion dips.                             
Abstention means no 'tater chips.                           
Abstention means                                            
No pork with beans.                                         
Abstention means your pants still zip.                      
                                                            
28887 GOURMETS - DIETS               Irving Superior     P9708



A PB&J lover from Radcliffe                                 
Loved it more when her lover got stiff.                     
He then couldn't fuck her                                   
Till he smeared her with Smucker's                          
And coated his pecker with Jiff.                            
(loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)                  
28888 GOURMETS - DIETS               Stephen Cordwell         



All people, regardless of wealth,                           
Watch their diets, except Mr. Felth.                        
He eats bumble bees                                         
And buffalo knees;                                          
He also has poor mental health.                             
                                                            
28889 GOURMETS - DIETS               Al Willis           T9711



A twit of a gardener named Hugh                             
Planted ragweed to flavor his stew.                         
Asked how he could munch                                    
On ragweed for lunch,                                       
Teary-eyed, he replied, 'Ah Chew!"                          
                                                            
28890 GOURMETS - DIETS               Dorothy Dean        P9202



A fat woman by the name of Mears                            
Dieted to her husband's cheers.                             
When the fat was all gone,                                  
She continued on,                                           
Until she was reduced to tears.                             
                                                            
28891 GOURMETS - DIETS               Tom Patton          P9504



Don't think me too acrimonious,                             
If I disrupt the quiet harmonious,                          
Of sauce, pie, and steak,                                   
I like to partake --                                        
While you eat your sandwich baloneous.                      
                                                            
28892 GOURMETS - DIETS               Sue Johnson              



A maid who was trim but well-fed                            
Explained how her weight had been shed.                     
Every night without fail,                                   
Her intake she'd curtail,                                   
To a sausage and two eggs in bed.                           
                                                            
28893 GOURMETS - DIETS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2382



He recommended a diet.                                      
It worked -- I cannot deny it.                              
Now curvey and sweet,                                       
When I walk down the street,                                
I invariably set off a riot.                                
                                                            
28894 GOURMETS - DIETS               Laurence Perrine    P8402



When a gorgeous young creature named Hatter                 
Started growing increasingly fatter,                        
She did so well at                                          
Her dieting that                                            
There's no place now, where we can pat her.                 
                                                            
28895 GOURMETS - DIETS               A. N. Wilkins       P8402



Said the gorgeous and slender young lass                    
(Who never did lack for a pass)                             
"I eat fibre that's crude                                   
But not much other food                                     
To maintain my cute little ass."                            
                                                            
28896 GOURMETS - DIETS               Thomas G. Keller    P9504



There once was a fellow named Rex;                          
All meat he most surely rejects.                            
He lives just on herbs;                                     
His appetite curbs                                          
And slimmer and trimmer he gets.                            
                                                            
28897 GOURMETS - DIETS               Bernard Gluck            



Said Socrates once to Xanthippe,                            
"You're rapidly getting too hippy;                          
I've heard of a diet                                        
That moves all who try it                                   
To look at themselves and yell: 'Yippee'"                   
                                                            
28898 GOURMETS - DIETS               R. J. Winkler       P8402



They ain't nuthin' special 'bout grits                      
'Cept'n they gives me the shits.                            
I gits the bad runs,                                        
Den they squirts out my buns,                               
And dribble in chunky white bits.                           
                                                            
28899 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



Young Liz from Cadiz has the biz                            
Of making us gentlemen fizz;                                
For down on her knees                                       
She would teasingly squeeze                                 
'Til we sprayed her with litres of jizz.                    
                                                            
28900 GOURMETS - DIETS               Peter Wilkins            



The diet, she said, kept her slim;                          
But when she was full to the brim,                          
She'd lie on the bed                                        
With her legs widely spread                                 
And invite us to fill up her quim.                          
                                                            
28901 GOURMETS - DIETS               Peter Wilkins            



Mrs. Claus put St. Nick on a diet                           
That would've made St. Francis cry; it                      
Consisted of beans                                          
And two cans of sardines                                    
And she wouldn't allow him to fry it.                       
                                                            
28902 GOURMETS - DIETS               Robin K. Willoughby P8402



It seems from my father's side,                             
Come the genes that cause me pride.                         
My sisters must watch,                                      
And their diets not botch --                                
On my mom's side, they are a bit wide.                      
                                                            
28903 GOURMETS - DIETS               Sue Johnson              



The best way I know how to diet,                            
Is to always say, "Broil it" or "Fry it."                   
Eat all you want                                            
With some Red Sauce Piquant,                                
And then throw it all up! You should try it.                
                                                            
28904 GOURMETS - DIETS               Theo Heller         P9504



She couldn't resist food a bit.                             
And fat? She was dying of it.                               
She cried, "I'll be bound                                   
When food is around,                                        
You must see I am tied to be fit.                           
                                                            
28905 GOURMETS - DIETS               Laurence Perrine    P9504



Our mouths we seem never to shut;                           
Shoveling food in, Oh! such a glut.                         
Less equals more,                                           
Our bodies do store,                                        
The intake's increase 'stead of cut.                        
                                                            
28906 GOURMETS - DIETS               John Miller              



A little old man -- name of Taylor --                       
Lost his new asthmatic inhaler.                             
On seeing her knees                                         
He could only wheeze,                                       
"I guess that I won't ever nail'er."                        
                                                            
28907 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



He got out his R. Simmons "Deal"                            
To deal himself out his last meal,                          
"These diets are killers --                                 
They're not food, just fillers."                            
Well, honey, I know how you feel!                           
                                                            
28908 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



Eat french fries and burgers galore,                        
While the reaper is pounding my door.                       
Don't tell me to diet,                                      
I've already tried it,                                      
And tried it and tried it some more.                        
                                                            
28909 GOURMETS - DIETS               Jim Weaver Collection    



My mind boggles with things I could do                      
As I 'curry' up favour with you.                            
So no chicken Korma                                         
Things have to be warmer                                    
How about a nice vindaloo                                   
                                                            
28910 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



I see that you're eager to please,                          
So we can exchange recipes.                                 
I do love a Vindaloo,                                       
Or Paella made by you,                                      
But curry powder makes me sneeze.                           
                                                            
28911 GOURMETS - DIETS                                        



Her Weight-Watcher diet she found                           
Was dismal in spite of the sound                            
Of the glamorous ads                                        
From dollar-wise lads,                                      
Who gained whene'er she lost a pound.                       
                                                            
28912 GOURMETS - DIETS               Elaine Watson            



Here's a burger idea quite bold:                            
At the White House fast food will be sold.                  
You can jog through to dine                                 
As you're reading the sign,                                 
"We had millions of Whoppers", now told.                    
                                                            
28913 GOURMETS - DIETS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Some men try to keep up their vigour                        
By working their muscle groups bigger.                      
Then home they all zoom                                     
And promptly consume                                        
A half-dozen donuts -- Go figure!                           
                                                            
28914 GOURMETS - DIETS               Alex Heydon         P0401



The saying, "You Are What You Eat"                          
Has wisdom that people repeat;                              
Whoever thinks thin                                         
Ought soon to begin                                         
Avoiding that snack or this treat.                          
                                                            
28915 GOURMETS - DIETS               R. J. Winkler       P8402



There was a food faddist named Luntz                        
Whose theory on foods brought forth grunts.                 
For his treatise complete                                   
Showed you are what you eat,                                
Which is obvious, for some men are cunts.                   
                                                            
28916 GOURMETS - DIETS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1276



There was a twat-licker named Parr                          
Who sometimes with assholes would spar.                     
One hole he did lick                                        
With shit an inch thick-                                    
He had gone, it seems, one bridge too far.                  
                                                            
28917 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Albin Chaplin   3024-1285



Good manners do guests ABROGATE,                            
By blowing their nose on the plate                          
That holds dinner fine,                                     
Or spit in fine wine,                                       
Though others it helps to lose weight.                      
                                                            
28918 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Chris Papa               



"Phhhhhpp!! Oh my, pardon me, Mam!                          
But I've just swallowed a rotten clam,                      
And am proving [cheese squeezin']                           
The principle, Fartesian."                                  
"What's that?" "I stink therefore I am!"                    
                                                            
28919 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



There was a young fellow named Scott                        
Who found the great thrill that he sought.                  
A whore was festooned                                       
With sores, and she swooned,                                
So he ate all the scabs off her twat.                       
                                                            
28920 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Albin Chaplin   3024-1294



Doesn't it seem rather suspicious                           
That any food labeled nutritious,                           
Is so hard to chew                                          
And tastes just like glue,                                  
While the awful stuff is so delicious?                      
                                                            
28921 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Lynn Mostafa             



The way that you chew isn't charming;                       
It's bestial, barbaric, disarming.                          
Chops unstoppable;                                          
Mess unmoppable;                                            
Ravening, raging, alarming.                                 
                                                            
28922 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Heather McCabe           



The dish was revolting and gross;                           
Unfathomably wretched at most.                              
The guests were offended;                                   
Offense was intended,                                       
Till one beat the chef comatose.                            
                                                            
28923 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Heather McCabe           



Horny young bulls in Petroff,                               
Had no cows with whom to get off.                           
They couldn't stand waiting,                                
Began masturbating:                                         
The invention of Beef Strokingoff.                          
                                                            
28924 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          MARK                     



Do you know that hotel in Peru                              
Which has bogies on its menu?                               
Brushed thinly with oil                                     
Then brought to the boil                                    
And served as a thin sort of stew.                          
                                                            
28925 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



An old nasty fucker named Duke                              
Made a dumb bet on a fluke.                                 
Alas, in defeat,                                            
He sat down to eat                                          
Two gallons of buzzard puke!                                
                                                            
28926 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old cook named Mary;                           
Her kitchen technique is quite scary.                       
She cooks carrots and pees                                  
In the same pot.  Oh Please!                                
The whole thing is unsanitary.                              
                                                            
28927 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          John Dohner         P8809



A cheap retail merchant named Pease                         
Invented the concept of sleaze.                             
He'd scrape off his smegma                                  
Dilute it with phlegma,                                     
And label the stuff Cottage Cheese.                         
                                                            
28928 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       756



There was an old waddy named Stamp,                         
Sole slinger of hash for the camp;                          
His fare was God-awful,                                     
Right close to unlawful;                                    
He couldn't boil shit for a tramp.                          
                                                            
28929 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       489



Sam has taken too much abuse                                
For his fetish involving cous-cous.                         
He's tried cooking goose                                    
And even some moose,                                        
Finally settling on eating refuse.                          
                                                            
28930 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



There was a young man known as Royce,                       
Who took an emetic by choice.                               
He was fed, quite by chance,                                
Half the crotch of the pants                                
Of a girl who kept crablice for toys.                       
                                                            
28931 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              L0794



It seems that a Miss Delehanty,                             
Whose morals are putrid and scanty,                         
Picked crabs from a fellow,                                 
Which she put in lime jello,                                
And fed with great glee to her auntie.                      
(lime Jello is Mormon gourmet dessert - McW)                
28932 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              G1493



A young jewish boy named Gish,                              
Used to jack off in a knish.                                
And he'd thrust his thin cock                               
In a barrel of lox,                                         
Making a cream sauce for the fish.                          
                                                            
28933 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



There was an old whore from Old Delhi                       
Who retired and opened a deli.                              
She sold to the queers                                      
What she'd saved up for years,                              
Cum jelly and pube vermicelli                               
                                                            
28934 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Archie                   



There was an old lady named Mott                            
Who lived on the cheese from her twat,                      
Snot from her nose,                                         
Jam from her toes,                                          
And the Devil Almighty knows what.                          
                                                            
28935 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              G1504



Pete Piper dills pickles so slow,                           
From cucumbers tossed to and fro;                           
He makes them get fatter                                    
When he adds the batter:                                    
Some stuff that he calls the "dill dough!"                  
                                                            
28936 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Travis Brasell           



Having picked out a whore from the group,                   
He asked her for douche-water soup.                         
Cried the girl in surprise,                                 
"You damned fetish guys                                     
Make my ass so damn tired, I could poop!"                   
                                                            
28937 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              G1499



A man on the isle of Great Thatch                           
Kept a woman diseased in the snatch.                        
By her breasts she was hung,                                
And down poured the mung--                                  
He was heard to exclaim, "Down the hatch!"                  
                                                            
28938 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              G1498



It's a really good ice cold beverage;                       
Very much better than average.                              
Good old Dr. Pepper,                                        
A real high-stepper,                                        
And part of our southern heritage.                          
                                                            
28939 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



I think that I've caught a bug,                             
As a pain in my gut gives a tug.                            
On the loo I am sitting                                     
Straining and shitting;                                     
That's the last time that I eat a slug!                     
                                                            
28940 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Funny Bone               



A pervert by name De La Renta,                              
Not satisfied eating polenta,                               
Went early one morn                                         
Where babies are born                                       
To munch on some woman's placenta.                          
                                                            
28941 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       915



There once was a baker of Nottingham,                       
Who in making eclairs would put snot in 'em.                
When he ran out of snot     (He inserted the turds)         
He would, like as not,      (Of various birds,)             
Take his pecker and jack off a shot in 'em.                 
(And tickled dog's dicks 'till they shot in 'em.)           
28942 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              L0788



There's a tasteless French chef named Raoul                 
(He has colleagues that call him a fool)                    
Who serves barbecued antelope                               
With half-rotted canteloupe,                                
In a sauce of hot elephant stool.                           
                                                            
28943 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       773



A most renowned chef is George Bird;                        
To fault his creations, absurd;                             
But to cite one example,                                    
There's no way I'll sample                                  
His cream sauce on elephant turd.                           
                                                            
28944 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       808



A student of stinks, Polly Ester,                           
Was quite an ingenious jester;                              
One day, from old waste,                                    
She made a foul taste                                       
To mix with her tutor's ingesta.                            
                                                            
28945 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Harold C Bibby           



The cheese in a virgin's vagina                             
Is a delicacy prized in old China.                          
But the fresh Gorgonzola                                    
Scraped from around her asshole-ah,                         
Is generally considered much finer.                         
                                                            
28946 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Dee Skusting             



You can bake a great cake of old scabs,                     
Used Band-Aids, dried boogers, and crabs.                   
A dash of toe-grit,                                         
Then frost it with shit,                                    
Applied very gently in dabs.                                
                                                            
28947 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a poor girl of the street,                        
In trash cans she found things to eat.                      
Though she had garbage stew                                 
And smelled like horse doodoo,                              
Yet demanded it taste semi-sweet.                           
                                                            
28948 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          James                    



I've asked my dear ladyfriend Bridget                       
To check on that thing in my fridge. It                     
Has been there a year                                       
And it's mouldy I fear;                                     
It's so awful I can't bear to squidge it.                   
                                                            
28949 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



Here's a very neat thing you can do;                        
Put something obscene in the stew.                          
It'll be quite a sight.                                     
Just don't take a bite,                                     
But hold on to your nose and say "peu!"                     
                                                            
28950 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Wssdotjava               



While giving the pantry a forage,                           
The only food found was some porridge.                      
The rats and the mice                                       
Must have thought it was nice,                              
But I found it really quite horridge!                       
                                                            
28951 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Archie                   



I do like my food, that is true,                            
But there's things I'd not put in a stew;                   
Like insects or mice,                                       
As they're not very nice,                                   
But with nowt else, then it'll do.                          
                                                            
28952 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



Is it soup?  Lad, I must inform you;                        
It was soup back at 12:52!                                  
By now, though, it's turned                                 
To the color of burned                                      
Toast mixed with gold from the loo!                         
                                                            
28953 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Liam na Beag             



Dear Hilde should give you the lash,                        
And throw you outside with the trash,                       
For speaking that poop                                      
About the hot soup;                                         
Thank goodness she didn't make hash!                        
                                                            
28954 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Travis Brasell           



While dozing, a fellow named Scott                          
Had illusions of eating a twat.                             
But when he arose,                                          
He was picking his nose,                                    
And he found himself eating the snot.                       
                                                            
28955 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Albin Chaplin   3024-1293



Although rodents and fowl are quite nice,                   
I thought I could offer advice.                             
For a wonderful dish,                                       
Mix up children and fish,                                   
And season with handfuls of lice.                           
                                                            
28956 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Stephen Hann             



A Scotsman I know loves his kippers                         
If they've spent overnight in his slippers.                 
But he's equally taken                                      
By rashers of bacon                                         
When served on the bellies of strippers.                    
                                                            
28957 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



Last century Madame Dessu                                   
(Dietician) invented a stew                                 
That was good for the bowels;                               
She used sanitary towels                                    
Every month to concoct a ragout.                            
                                                            
28958 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Peter Wilkins            



I just made a thing, tastes like poop;                      
Called 'carrot and coriander soup'.                         
It was a nasty old brew                                     
And went straight down the loo;                             
I need time now please to regroup.                          
                                                            
28959 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



You and your tastes, we have heard                          
Are not only weird, but absurd;                             
Like eating the pets,                                       
Put down, at the vets,                                      
Such as rabbit, dog, even a bird!                           
                                                            
28960 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



'Twas a pizza shop owner named Joe                          
Whose pasta did make his dick grow.                         
While forming his pie,                                      
He unzipped his fly,                                        
And emptied his load in the dough.                          
                                                            
28961 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jim Weaver Collection    



Was ever a headmaster so cruel,                             
Who had unruly students at school.                          
They complained so of hunger,                               
So he hawked up a lunger                                    
And then had it served in their gruel.                      
                                                            
28962 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Gibbon the Troubadour    



An amateur writer named Reese,                              
Composed an original piece:                                 
"Hailstones from above                                      
Reminded me of                                              
When maggots are fried in hot grease."                      
                                                            
28963 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Al Willis                



The formula's secret and strange;                           
It's cooked on a old-fashioned range,                       
And makes use of juices                                     
That come from abuses,                                      
Plus hair from a dog with the mange.                        
                                                            
28964 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



There once was a lady from Nottingham,                      
Who made meat pies and put some snot in 'em.                
In addition to this,                                        
She filled them with piss,                                  
And played with the dog 'til he shot in 'em.                
                                                            
28965 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Martin                   



A filthy old waiter named Mose                              
Was visibly picking his nose.                               
When he asked for the order,                                
"Two boiled eggs," said the boarder;                        
"You can't put your finger in those!"                       
                                                            
28966 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer        26



I used to create lovely stews.                              
The finest ingredients I'd choose.                          
The intestines of cows,                                     
And the bellies of sows,                                    
It was offal you couldn't refuse.                           
                                                            
28967 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



A lady who lived in Fort Worth                              
Lived on vomitted pig's afterbirth.                         
This raw-sewage eater                                       
Would dine on excreta,                                      
Which she gobbled with ill-concealed mirth!                 
                                                            
28968 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Moony              TP9802



A lady with pimply complexion                               
Made a living from this imperfection,                       
By expressing the juice                                     
From her zits to produce                                    
A meringue-like and piquant confection.                     
                                                            
28969 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          John Sandler        P9108



There was a young fellow of Perth,                          
The nastiest bastard on earth.                              
When his wife was confined                                  
He pulled down the blind,                                   
And ate up the whole afterbirth.                            
                                                            
28970 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              L0789



While soaking in bubbles and oils,                          
My ex-wife started popping some boils.                      
And suddenly willing                                        
To eat the creme filling,                                   
She exclaimed, "It sure beats Mom's trefoils!"              
                                                            
28971 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man named McNabs,                         
Who lived on pox-pickings and scabs.                        
If he got sick on the spew,                                 
Which he often would do,                                    
His wife's monthly blood brought the son of a bitch through.
                                                            
28972 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              G1502



A mouse pudding would contain mice,                         
And a louse pudding must contain lice.                      
So please tell to me,                                       
Why shouldn't it be                                         
That there's rats in a pudding called rice.                 
                                                            
28973 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



In Dixie we have a big thrill                               
When it comes to Friday night's meal;                       
We hunt all that day                                        
Down by the highway                                         
And then feast upon the road-kill!                          
                                                            
28974 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



Ain't nothin as slick as the skin                           
Of chickens been cured in a tin,                            
With fatback and 'tater                                     
And rotten tomater.                                         
And top that, you know where it's been.                     
                                                            
28975 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



There was a young man named McDowell                        
Who fed upon animal bowel.                                  
His favorite dish                                           
Was prostitute piss,                                        
And scrapings from a sanitary towel.                        
                                                            
28976 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Dieter Vancouver         



That thoroughly nasty chef Scot                             
Would serve his best dish piping hot;                       
An old blend of treacle,                                    
Some stuff that was fecal,                                  
Topped off with a dollop of snot.                           
                                                            
28977 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       649



When Johnnie with wifie did screw                           
He pulled out before he was through.                        
He blew on her belly,                                       
So she scraped up the jelly,                                
And she used it flavor his stew.                            
                                                            
28978 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Albin Chaplin            



A horny young chef name of Pete                             
Was renowned for his pudding and sweet;                     
While making meringue,                                      
He would whip out his whang,                                
And fill it with cream from his meat.                       
                                                            
28979 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



A man from the Island of Rhode                              
Loves a toasty slug, snake, frog, or toad.                  
He hates them when dusty,                                   
Demands them quite crusty,                                  
Unless they are served a la mode.                           
                                                            
28980 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



Smegma's sebaciously cheesy;                                
The mere thought makes some people queasy.                  
"It's really not bad",                                      
Said the connosieur Chad,                                   
"Although sometimes it can be quite greasy!"                
                                                            
28981 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jeeves              T9710



There was a young man from Marseilles,                      
Who lived upon clap juice and snails.                       
When tired of these,                                        
He lived upon cheese,                                       
From his prick, which he picked with his nails.             
                                                            
28982 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              L0785



There once was a chef from Alaska,                          
Who cooked an unusual pasta,                                
Made from snakes and from worms,                            
It gave people the squirms,                                 
So his wife only eats it, she hasta!                        
                                                            
28983 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young woman named Beaucoup,                     
Who made her own kind of stew;                              
Some stuff from her twat,                                   
And something Ray shot,                                     
A sturgeon and some caribou.                                
                                                            
28984 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jim Weaver Collection    



If you really want something with flavor,                   
Try my recipe as a favor.                                   
When visiting your aunties,                                 
Steal a pair of her panties;                                
Use them to make soup a la b'aver.                          
                                                            
28985 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Jim Weaver Collection    



A long unplumbed spinster named Gosse                       
Whose cunt became covered with moss,                        
By means of a scraper,                                      
Collected on paper                                          
The makings for tasty steak sauce.                          
                                                            
28986 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       593



A miserly man named McKnight                                
Had manners which gave all a fright.                        
For he cooked all his grub                                  
In the large thunder mug,                                   
Which he kept in his bedroom at night.                      
                                                            
28987 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Albin Chaplin   3024-2898



There was a young girl named Charlott                       
Who lived upon toe-jam and snot.                            
She slipped on some shit,                                   
Broke open her tit,                                         
And crabs crawled out of her twat.                          
                                                            
28988 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              G1997



There was a young fellow from Leith,                        
Who used to skin cocks with his teeth.                      
It wasn't for pleasure                                      
He adopted this measure,                                    
But to get at the cheese underneath.                        
                                                            
28989 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              L0782



An old man of fair Ballinrock,                              
Made black pudding of chocolate and rock,                   
Manure and rope,                                            
Prussic acid and soap,                                      
Wrapped up in an old army sock.                             
                                                            
28990 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                                   



It is best to avoid Pocatello,                              
Where the women weewee in lime Jello.                       
Such a wild recipe                                          
Out-of-bounds it for me...                                  
Though they do say it makes Jello mellow!                   
                                                            
28991 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Grand Prix Lim  874      



A gloomy gourmet named of Drood                             
Passed judgement concerning bad food,                       
"Digested, it passes                                        
As poop and vile gases --                                   
It does make an epicure brood."                             
                                                            
28992 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Armand E Singer       629



At a contest for bakers, Chef Bart                          
Took first with his prizewinning tart.                      
He embellished it nice                                      
With snot, shit and spice,                                  
And he topped it by whipping a fart.                        
                                                            
28993 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Albin Chaplin   3024-1240



A brooding, nuerotic young fellow,                          
Went into a low-class bordello,                             
Where he ordered four whores,                               
All with chancres and sores,                                
And ate them with strawberry Jello.                         
                                                            
28994 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING          Albin Chaplin 3024  G1495



A young fellow discovered through Freud,                    
That although of a penis devoid,                            
He could practice coitus                                    
By eating a foetus,                                         
And his parents were quite overjoyed.                       
                                                            
28995 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING                              L0296



The cheese she got out of her twat,                         
Reminded her husband of snot.                               
But he didn't mind;                                         
He mixed it with rind                                       
And added to soup until caught.                             
                                                            
28996 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Douglas Anderson         



In Camp Woebegone's gopher-gut stew,                        
Something lurks there for me and for you;                   
There is also strange kibble;                               
For a taste, have a nibble;                                 
Monkey nuts! They have diced a whole slew!                  
                                                            
28997 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



On the tables are plates full of cheese;                    
In the custard-dish please do not sneeze;                   
Don't mind all those ants;                                  
Brush 'em off your short pants;                             
Keep the mice off the cheese, if you please!                
                                                            
28998 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



"Neath the crust of the old apple pie,                      
There is something for you and for I;                       
It may be a pin                                             
That the cook just threw in,                                
Or it may be a little dead fly!                             
                                                            
28999 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



Or it may be an old rusty nail,                             
Or a piece of a pussy-cat's tail;                           
Whate'er it may be,                                         
It's for you and for me;                                    
If you urp, on the porch there's a pail!                    
                                                            
29000 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



Hickory Dickery Dock;                                       
A young man was jerking his cock.                           
Two strokes on his choad                                    
Deployed his payload,                                       
Then he wiped it all off with his sock.                     
                                                            
29001 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Gearhart                 



Later when making choad stew                                
With that sock he knew what to do;                          
Threw it in the pot                                         
And let it get hot,                                         
Then he served the stew to you.                             
                                                            
29002 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Gearhart                 



A growing world population                                  
Puts a strain on our ration                                 
Of a great many foods                                       
To feed all our broods,                                     
So we might be facing starvation.                           
                                                            
29003 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Puff Adder               



Now I propose a new plan                                    
To harvest and afterward can                                
The foods that now grow                                     
Throughtout life's flow,                                    
On the body of man.                                         
                                                            
29004 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Puff Adder               



This is not some old silly scam,                            
Down your throat I am trying to ram.                        
Just look at your feet;                                     
Would not it be neat                                        
If we harvested all that toe jam.                           
                                                            
29005 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Puff Adder               



I think we could all be merry                               
If we harvested all of that very                            
Natural grass                                               
That grows in our ass,                                      
And made wine from the dingle berry.                        
                                                            
29006 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Puff Adder               



A nutritionist I know agrees,                               
Protein productions a breeze.                               
Just take a quick                                           
Look at your prick,                                         
And gather up all that head cheese.                         
                                                            
29007 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Puff Adder               



"There's a pussy-hair in this damned soup!"                 
And he left  without paying ( that poop!),                  
Out the diner's front door,                                 
As the waitress got sore;                                   
So she trailed the old cowboy, to snoop.                    
                                                            
29008 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



As you'd guess, he went right 'cross the street,            
To a whorehouse with sweet things to eat!                   
Madam opened the door;                                      
This dude drooled on the floor;                             
He went in! Man! They all looked quite neat!                
                                                            
29009 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



On a shaggy blond babe his eyes locked;                     
To her room! She was quickly defrocked;                     
On the dusty old bed,                                       
He was giving her head;                                     
Then the waitress broke in, gawked and squawked!            
                                                            
29010 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



"Soup's no good , but with THIS you will 'coodle'?"         
The old cowboy looked up from his poodle;                   
Said, while taking a breather:                              
"I WON'T pay here either,                                   
If slurping should bring up a noodle!"                      
                                                            
29011 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



A zit-covered whore from the Bight,                         
Whose pustules were green, plump, and tight,                
Could make mayonnaise                                       
In several new ways,                                        
But none of them tasted quite right.                        
                                                            
29012 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES H                        



Her specialty, ripe "farmers cheese,"                       
She served in the garden. A breeze                          
Disbursed a slight stench                                   
From one tiny pinch,                                        
Which knocked all the guests to their knees.                
                                                            
29013 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES H                        



'Long the highway, where Norm's truck did roll,             
Found a diner; hot meal was his goal;                       
"Oh, waitress, hot chili!"                                  
"All out", said the filly;                                  
"Guy next to you got the last bowl."                        
                                                            
29014 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



The rest of the menu looked dull;                           
Watched the man, with a covetous soul;                      
Guy sipped Mocha brew;                                      
Though seemingly through,                                   
The chili bowl left was still full.                         
                                                            
29015 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



"You eatin' that chili?" (sly grin);                        
"Guess not, but to waste it's a sin;                        
It's yours, bless your soul!"                               
He shoved him the bowl;                                     
With "Thanks, pal!"  Norm started right in.                 
                                                            
29016 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



Norm suddenly dropped his French bread;                     
His face blanched with dread, and he said:                  
" Whazzis down half way?                                    
It's fuzzy and grey!"                                       
A mouse! It was thoroughly dead!                            
                                                            
29017 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



Norm puked up the beans like a hound;                       
Face down in the bowl, almost drowned;                      
When Norm raised his head,                                  
The other man said:                                         
"I, too, only got that much downed!"                        
                                                            
29018 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                          



There was an old lady named Grott,                          
Who lived on pig shit and snot.                             
When she couldn't get these,                                
She lived upon cheese,                                      
Which she scraped from the sides of her twat.               
                                                            
29019 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES                     L0786



Good gracious, is Dot still partaking                       
Of delicacies she has been raking                           
From her twat for years?                                    
It brings me to tears                                       
To think how the hungry are aching!                         
                                                            
29020 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Travis Brasell           



I think stinky Dot should go sit                            
In some cave with old Dave, the shit.                       
He would like her more                                      
Than his rotted whore,                                      
Or than a weird writer of shit.                             
                                                            
29021 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Marlene Lewis            



Dot sat on the edge of her tub,                             
While Dave gave her tired back a rub.                       
And then when he quit,                                      
She reached for her clit                                    
And offered him some of her grub.                           
                                                            
29022 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Travis Brasell           



Dave thanked her for all that she gave,                     
Suggesting the rest she should save;                        
Then they walked together                                   
Through fair and foul weather                               
Until they reached Dave's secret cave.                      
                                                            
29023 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Travis Brasell           



They fed me a sandwich of ham;                              
I think it was really chopped Spam.                         
It might be I'm guessing                                    
But, I am confessing                                        
It tasted more like creamed toe-jam.                        
                                                            
29024 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Marlene Lewis            



Gross and disgusting that was,                              
Whether creamy or chunky or fuzz.                           
We must needs hold our noses                                
When you speak of our toeses,                               
And what the slack sandwich-cook does.                      
                                                            
29025 GOURMETS - DISGUSTING - SERIES Wanderer                 



An Englishman makes never a slip,                           
When keeping a stiff upper lip.                             
But one thing I can't see                                   
Is how he can love tea,                                     
When a lip that is stiff cannot sip.                        
                                                            
29026 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Warrick Elrod            



Anthropologist, Dr. Mc Fees,                                
Had a passion for rare Asian teas.                          
So it shouldn't surprise                                    
You and you might surmise                                   
She revealed a yen for things Chinese.                      
                                                            
29027 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



You know it's some form of payola,                          
The way we all drink Coca-cola.                             
It's way too available.                                     
Hell, in Borneo it's saleable!                              
We're the diseased; it's ebola.                             
                                                            
29028 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Stiffy Joe               



Valid research has unloosed more chatter --                 
Drinking coffee is bad for the bladder.                     
There the cancer will grow                                  
With each piping hot "joe';                                 
So drink healthy stuff.  Then 'twon't matter.               
                                                            
29029 GOURMETS - DRINKS                                       



"There's no need", she said, "Man, to holler.               
The reasoning's easy to foller:                             
If you'd drunk less java,                                   
You wouldn't now have a                                     
A kid with a hue coffee color."                             
                                                            
29030 GOURMETS - DRINKS                                       



He drank coffee down by the crop,                           
So much coffee made his heart stop;                         
He fell to the floor,                                       
Drank coffee no more,                                       
But he was good to the last drop!                           
                                                            
29031 GOURMETS - DRINKS                                       



They say coffee makes you want to jump                      
If you're down in the dumps like a grump.                   
Don't stand in high places --                               
You'll find that your face is                               
In grave danger of landing kerthump.                        
                                                            
29032 GOURMETS - DRINKS                                       



If I'd something to say, I'd just do it,                    
But my brain is behaving like suet.                         
So comments, I've none;                                     
Let's just say that I'm done,                               
Though coffee might help, so I'll brew it.                  
                                                            
29033 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Anon                     



If you don't steep tea very long,                           
Too much caffeine can do your heart wrong.                  
But should tannins leach out                                
It will kill caffeine's clout.                              
Moral: Like tea a lot, drink it strong.                     
                                                            
29034 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Prof M-G           TP9807



When alone with a cup of Darjeeling,                        
I observed that the brew was congealing.                    
It set like meringue,                                       
And went off with a bang.                                   
I found myself stuck to the ceiling.                        
                                                            
29035 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Bill Wall                



An hour for coffee I waited;                                
I sat there with breath that was baited.                    
The waitress passed through;                                
I asked for some brew.                                      
The bitch brought me decaffeinated.                         
                                                            
29036 GOURMETS - DRINKS              B Chilkat                



There was a young fellow from Dallas         (TX)           
Who lived in a Highland Park palace.                        
He ate, so I'm told,                                        
Off a platter of gold,                                      
And he drank, so he thought, from a chalice.                
                                                            
29037 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Laurence Perrine    P8805



A gentleman's club had a pee                                
Contest, drinking Indian tea;                               
Orange Pekoe, Darjeeling;                                   
Earl Grey hit the ceiling;                                  
Assam dribbled pee down his knee.                           
                                                            
29038 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Peter Wilkins            



When drinking a cup of Earl Grey,                           
My trousers began to decay.                                 
I clutched at my zip,                                       
But my old pecker tip                                       
Was determined to have its own way.                         
                                                            
29039 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Bill Wall                



Consuming too much herbal tea                               
Can cause havoc when taking a pee.                          
When out on the razzle                                      
You tend to pass Basil,                                     
And last night, old Basil passed me.                        
                                                            
29040 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Bill Wall                



In Australia, the tourists agree,                           
The food is bizarre as can be.                              
A man with a boomerang                                      
Can enjoy kangaroo meringue                                 
Served with a high koala tea.                               
                                                            
29041 GOURMETS - DRINKS              A. N. Wilkins       P8611



So girls, here's a cure for that pest,                      
Who's trying to get you undressed,                          
And raising your hackle:                                    
Just drop on his tackle                                     
Hot coffee, he won't be impressed.                          
                                                            
29042 GOURMETS - DRINKS                                       



You watch, and before you can blink,                        
His manhood will shrivel and shrink.                        
And lads, tell her "Later"                                  
If trying to date 'er                                       
If she offers coffee to drink.                              
                                                            
29043 GOURMETS - DRINKS                                       



Admirers of Lapsang Souchong                                
Always bang on a very large gong;                           
Like J Arthur Rank,                                         
Who we'd like to thank,                                     
For kindly not coming along.                                
                                                            
29044 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Bill wall                



I shy at unpasteurized milk                                 
Such as comes from Euphrosonie Dilk.    (not a clue - McW)  
I prefer straight Grade A                                   
For a drink with a lay,                                     
But there's seldom a babe of that ilk...                    
                                                            
29045 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Grand Prix Lim   18      



The Chinese ambassodor, Lee,                                
Whose real name was probably Yee,                           
(Or was it Mai Dong?                                        
Surely that's wrong!)                                       
Said he much preferred Indian tea.                          
                                                            
29046 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Peter J Wilkins     P9807



Said a lady of taste extra fine,                            
Who at a table omitted all wine:                            
"I'm not histrionic --                                      
I just prefer tonic                                         
And take steps to get Schweppes.  It's divine!"             
                                                            
29047 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Schweppes 1955      P0206



A cellist in our philharmonic                               
Has a terse but effective mnemonic.                         
"With every five steps,                                     
I repeat purchase Schweppes                                 
And remember to buy the true Tonic."                        
                                                            
29048 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Schweppes 1955      P0206



What a sad ending came to my crony!                         
He had squandered his small patrimony --                    
With no Schweppes for his Gin,                              
He did himself in --                                        
Wouldn't you, if you were that stony?                       
                                                            
29049 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Schweppes 1955      P0206



In this restaurant, we'll dine, and then later,             
We will take in a downtown theater.                         
To speed up the service,                                    
If you're not too nervous,                                  
How about if you "flash" the headwaiter?                    
                                                            
29050 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Allen Wolverton          



Just wink, briefly pull yp your skirt;                      
The air on your thighs shouldn't hurt.                      
It might just be able                                       
To snag us a table,                                         
If lucky perhaps free dessert.                              
                                                            
29051 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Tom Bishop               



If my dear will exhibit her wares,                          
That will end all my dieting cares.                         
I'll dine, if I'm able,                                     
Beneath our small table,                                    
On low-calorie juice strained through hairs.                
                                                            
29052 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Ward Hardman             



I've heard that referred to as "wine";                      
Some whores have a taste more like brine.                   
I just tell them, "Go slow,                                 
And please meter the flow."                                 
Also ask them to think of my spine.                         
                                                            
29053 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Tom Bishop               



Cowboys like coffee that's black                            
And sturdy enough to attack.                                
They brew it and brew it                                    
Until they can chew it --                                   
It tastes just like tar and shellac.                        
                                                            
29054 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



When asked, an old Chinese named Lee,                       
Who had just reached a hundred and three,                   
Replied with much levity,                                   
"I owe my longevity                                         
To my diet of T-E-A tea."                                   
                                                            
29055 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Pierce Evans             



There's nothing like afternoon tea                          
To appeal to a person like me.                              
There is little to eat;                                     
What there is is too sweet;                                 
And I feel like a cow in a tree.                            
                                                            
29056 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Gelett Burgess           



There was a young fellow named Seymour                      
Who noticed he now had to pee more.                         
He then said, "I think                                      
It's the coffee I drink;                                    
From now on I'll have to drink tea more.                    
                                                            
29057 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Anon                     



A teapot without any spout                                  
Is a teapot whose spout is without                          
Hot jasmine to funnel                                       
Through its little funnel,                                  
Which a tea-spout no doubt is about.                        
                                                            
29058 GOURMETS - DRINKS              Eric Hinds               



The sage ocean biologist Foxx                               
Eschewed salt water fare but ate lox,                       
Saying, "I'm on good terms                                  
With gigantic tube worms,                                   
But I can't say the same for tube socks."                   
                                                            
29059 GOURMETS - FISH                Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



My favourite snack's bagel and lox;                         
This gave my family some shocks.                            
Dad says holes in food                                      
For him are not good.                                       
He just found some holes in his socks.                      
                                                            
29060 GOURMETS - FISH                Arthur Pattaffy          



When dining, a man named McNish                             
Had trouble selecting the dish.                             
Said his wife, "You're amusing;                             
You have trouble choosing --                                
Take the bull by the horns and choose fish.                 
                                                            
29061 GOURMETS - FISH                Albin Chaplin   3024-2993



Lucinda, her marmalade spilling,                            
Is all the young gentlemen thrilling.                       
As she butters her toast,                                   
The waiter's engrossed                                      
And burning the kipper he's grilling.                       
                                                            
29062 GOURMETS - FISH                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old lady named Clog,                           
Who lived in a deep dark wet bog.                           
She made lots of wishes                                     
For very small fishes,                                      
And sizzled them on a hot log.                              
                                                            
29063 GOURMETS - FISH                Danny                    



He offered me crawfish. I cried.                            
"It's nothing like lobster!" he lied.                       
He just did not tell.                                       
He removed the shell,                                       
Then cooked it for me (gag) deep fried.                     
                                                            
29064 GOURMETS - FISH                Marlene                  



For trying to kill me by craw,                              
I had him picked up by the law.                             
He lied to them too.                                        
Fed them Lobster stew.                                      
The judge sentenced him to Utah.                            
                                                            
29065 GOURMETS - FISH                Marlene                  



Steam the crawdads with spice;                              
Pluck off the legs, mmm-mmm, nice.                          
Bite of the head                                            
To make sure they're dead.                                  
Suck them and eat them with rice.                           
                                                            
29066 GOURMETS - FISH                Karen                    



The crawfish they sure make me sick;                        
I stir them in with my broomstick.                          
Some wings of a bat                                         
And legs of a gnat.                                         
Hold your nose and drink double-quick!                      
                                                            
29067 GOURMETS - FISH                Marlene                  



There was a young doctor named Spurgeon,                    
Interning to be a great surgeon;                            
Invited to dinner,                                          
He proved a real winner                                     
By deftly dissecting the sturgeon.                          
                                                            
29068 GOURMETS - FISH                Armand E Singer       524



A tongue-twister tweaker named Toles                        
Served six seasick sheikhs saucy soles.                     
Said the sixth seasick sheikh;                              
"Saucy sole is sure chic...                                 
But I choose to chew rolls, eschew shoals.                  
                                                            
29069 GOURMETS - FISH                Peter Wilkins            



I remember, when young, mother spread                       
Jars of "fish paste" all over my bread.                     
Now I'm older, I wish                                       
I could ask her, "What fish?"                               
But the thought of it fills me with dread.                  
                                                            
29070 GOURMETS - FISH                Peter Wilkins            



A Japanese maiden named Swooshie,                           
Was a fan of the late John Belushi.                         
When they went out to dine,                                 
The crowd formed a line,                                    
To watch Swooshie and Belushi eat sushi.                    
                                                            
29071 GOURMETS - FISH                John K Roberts     P9212 



There nothing as sweet as the fish                          
That garnished, lies done on my dish.                       
Unless it's the gas                                         
That soon comes to pass,                                    
And swims up to Heaven -- ka-whish!                         
                                                            
29072 GOURMETS - FISH                H WHELCHEL               



Since SMOKING IS LETHAL, Jake's wish is--                   
Since now he can't nosh on smoked fishes--                  
The US Health Dept                                          
In printing accept                                          
NON-LETHAL a gefiltered fish is.                            
                                                            
29073 GOURMETS - FISH                Irving Superior     P9103



A chair-lift attendant named Frank                          
Ate tropical fish from a tank.                              
When he'd swallowed them whole,                             
He picked up a bowl                                         
Of goldfish beside them, and drank.                         
                                                            
29074 GOURMETS - FISH                Michael Palin            



I once had a goldfish, Rene,                                
Who was oft the light of my day.                            
Wasn't it a pity                                            
That my neighbor's fat kitty                                
Dined on my goldfish fillet?                                
                                                            
29075 GOURMETS - FISH                Sassy                    



I went fishing offshore catching grunions,                  
Now my feet are all sore from my bunions.                   
But those fish fry up nice                                  
With some butter, red spice,                                
Some black pepper, white wine and green onions.             
                                                            
29076 GOURMETS - FISH                Limerick Man       TP9802



A young man of acumen and daring,                           
Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,                   
Was left quite alone                                        
When is soon became known                                   
That their use at his board was unsparing.                  
                                                            
29077 GOURMETS - FISH                Edward Gorey             



The dwarf choir of old Amsterdam                            
Had a drummer they named Onkel Sam.                         
Those guys really could rock                                
Long motets by Issac,                                       
As they nibbled on herring and Spam.                        
                                                            
29078 GOURMETS - FISH                Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm really not much into steak,                             
Whether you deep fry or broil or bake,                      
But I do enjoy fish                                         
When it's served as a dish.                                 
So please offer trout -- that I'll take.                    
                                                            
29079 GOURMETS - FISH                Steve Schrader           



The Dowager Duchess of Spout                                
Collapsed at the height of a rout.                          
She found strength to say                                   
As they bore her away:                                      
"I should have never taken the trout!"                      
                                                            
29080 GOURMETS - FISH                Edward Gorey             



In the village of Woburn, for years,                        
You can eat till they come out your ears                    
At the annual fest.                                         
(But the oysters are best                                   
When they're left in the pan with their peers!)             
                                                            
29081 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



You sissies, put off by the smell,                          
The best way to eat them I'll tell.                         
Not steamed on a platter,                                   
Or fried in some batter,                                    
Just slurp them right out of the shell.                     
                                                            
29082 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



My praises I sing to the oyster                             
Very much like a pussy but moister                          
With a delicate smell                                       
You'd find hard to tell                                     
From a nun you've surprised in her cloister                 
                                                            
29083 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



Even better's the cherrystone clam                          
(For those of you fond as I am                              
Of that great fishy taste                                   
Some anchovy paste                                          
Improves all three things, thank you ma'am!)                
                                                            
29084 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



This swallowing oysters, to me,                             
Is something quite vulgar to see.                           
Folks claim that they eat 'em                               
Their tummies delete 'em                                    
Projectile vomit's the key.                                 
                                                            
29085 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



In New Orleans, the place that I dwell,                     
They serve oysters on the half shell --                     
I've never tried 'em,                                       
I just can't abide 'em,                                     
But battered and fried? Then they're swell!                 
                                                            
29086 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



The best thing I can say of fishes,                         
For cooking their very propitious                           
With veggies delicious.                                     
They're quite expeditious                                   
And make many dishes nutritious.                            
                                                            
29087 GOURMETS - FISH                Gary Hallock             



A sushi bar that delivers?                                  
That thought will give me the shivers!                      
Boiled puffers and blowfish,                                
Sea urchin's a nice dish,                                   
If you like fish that twitches and quivers!                 
                                                            
29088 GOURMETS - FISH                Ystap              TP9802



There is just a garden of pleasure;                         
This gives one a bounty to measure.                         
The peppers and mellons                                     
Are things you'll be smellin',                              
And Sally's tart seafood treasure.                          
                                                            
29089 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



Sardines seem to get out of hand                            
In a way I do not understand.                               
For they never appear                                       
At the table, I hear,                                       
Unless they are tight, oiled, and canned.                   
                                                            
29090 GOURMETS - FISH                Leslie Johnson           



I once put myself on a diet                                 
Of sea-food; I thought I might try it.                      
But lobster and stuff                                       
Made me grumpy and gruff,                                   
So I'm now into "See food and buy it".                      
                                                            
29091 GOURMETS - FISH                                         



In Dundee there's a special wee cake                        
That's made out of haddock and hake,                        
With a bit of dressed crab                                  
And a flounder or dab.                                      
But, oh what a mess when you wake!                          
                                                            
29092 GOURMETS - FISH                Bill Wall                



It's a nightmare that horrifies hakes,                      
To finish as frugal fish-cakes.                             
But Oh!, What a dream!                                      
To be stewed slow in cream,                                 
Or fresh, fried in upper class steaks.                      
                                                            
29093 GOURMETS - FISH                Allen M Laing            



A man caught a magical fish.                                
Said the fish, "I will grant you one wish."                 
Said the man, "You are kind;                                
I hope you won't mind                                       
Being trout almondine on a dish."                           
                                                            
29094 GOURMETS - FISH                Childs Almanac WordsP0202



How do you feel about shellfish?                            
My attitude, I think is selfish.                            
Though they're up for grabs,                                
They've all got the crabs;                                  
Certainly they're not a well fish.                          
                                                            
29095 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Tony Burrell             



A fishmonger, old Mr. Finkle                                
Ate garlic -- a lot, not a sprinkle.                        
The smell on his breath                                     
Caused immediate death                                      
To an oyster, ten whelks, and a winkle.                     
                                                            
29096 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Funfax Limericks         



There's nothing in Colchester finer                         
Than oysters from Deborah's diner;                          
The best of the fresh                                       
And most succulent flesh                                    
Is served by her daughter Regina.                           
                                                            
29097 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Peter Wilkins            



Near a river that's named Dosewallips,                      
Lived a man with intestinal polyps;                         
He cured them with diet                                     
(You really should try it)                                  
Of geoducks, dogfish, and scallops.                         
                                                            
29098 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Ed Potts            P8606



A girl who was eating clam chowder,                         
Left the room to put on some face powder.                   
He cruel date named Sam                                     
Ate up every clam,                                          
And then left the restaurant without her.                   
                                                            
29099 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Anon                     



Mme Paella, has seafood that's swell,                       
'Cause I do love a nice fishy smell.                        
And if you would linger                                     
On my index finger,                                         
We could have some fish fingers as well!.                   
                                                            
29100 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH                             



That rather reminds me of Babs                              
Who used to drive taxis and cabs,                           
From Billingsgate fish                                      
Market, filling her niche                                   
With the biggest and juiciest crabs.                        
                                                            
29101 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH                             



I'm not really fond of fish                                 
Unless it's crustacean-ish.                                 
How about a crawdad?                                        
This lace smells real bad;                                  
It's fallen into the fish dish.                             
                                                            
29102 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Karen                    



Our forebears thought lobster quite rude;                   
It was mud roach, not luxury food.                          
But right to this day,                                      
Though we call it gourmet,                                  
The best way to eat it is crude.                            
                                                            
29103 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    John Miller 0061         



A lobster has reasons aplenty                               
(At least about fifteen or twenty)                          
To jump from the pot,                                       
And run like a shot                                         
To avoid H2O caliente.                                      
                                                            
29104 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Al Willis           P9611



There were two nuns, Sisters Boyd.                          
All men they took care to avoid,                            
But they loved mountain oysters,                            
Which they ate in their cloisters.                          
What kind did they like?  Humanoid!                         
                                                            
29105 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Ed Wolfert          P8212



By a mosque in the city of Brussels,                        
A Moorish man hustles and bustles.                          
And, declaiming at length                                   
How seafood builds strength,                                
Sells Mussulman muscle-man mussels.                         
                                                            
29106 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Laurence Perrine    P9309



There's a farmer who lives in the dell,                     
And his oysters are raw from the shell.                     
While the taste he endures,                                 
He maintains it ensures                                     
That the whole second coming is swell.                      
                                                            
29107 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Thomas A. Quinine   P8302



I don't like those oysters at all;                          
Not while they can get up and crawl.                        
Oh, it's oyster fish                                        
You've put on my dish!                                      
And your ruche made a very fine faule.                      
(ruche - gathered cloth; faule - not in my unabridged)      
29108 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH                             



I love a good meal and my cat                               
Loves fish more than I do, I bet.                           
'Bout the oysters: If you                                   
Serve them nude - well, please do!                          
Cause I love to see what I will get...                      
                                                            
29109 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH                             



Now oysters are really delicious;                           
For sex they can be quite nutritious.                       
But don't eat the shell                                     
'Cause you'll feel quite unwell;                            
Eat only the part that is squishious.                       
                                                            
29110 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Beelzebub                



Oysters are sometimes delicious,                            
Sculpted in form most auspicious;                           
Reminiscient of twat,                                       
They get you all hot                                        
To try something pink and lubricious.                       
                                                            
29111 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    OgniGioia                



A whole dozen oysters I ate,                                
For I fancied my chances with Kate.                         
And I waited until                                          
Their effects I could feel,                                 
Then I plucked up the courage to state...                   
                                                            
29112 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Peter W                  



"I love you, I need you, dear Kate.                         
I've a stiffy; it's sticking up straight.                   
And it's throbbing like hell;                               
Can I screw you, Michelle?                                  
And she kicked me with venomous hate.                       
                                                            
29113 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Peter Wilkins            



A voracious old person of Brussels,                         
Who feasted on oysters and mussels,                         
Was firmly convinced                                        
That properly minced,                                       
They were good for the cells and corpuscles.                
                                                            
29114 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Mark Wainwright          



It was said of a girl on Cape Cod                           
That her verb choice was certainly odd:                     
In describing a date,                                       
She said, "Tom stayed late.                                 
We ate oysters and clams and then scrod."                   
                                                            
29115 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH                             



There once was a little old man                             
Cooked testicles up in a pan.                               
Rocky Mountain oysters!                                     
They were his first choisters,                              
For his quick "Ram Power" food plan.                        
                                                            
29116 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Marlene                  



Rocky Mountains!  Those oysters so yummy!                   
Do you want some of these in your tummy?                    
John Denver we'll spin;                                     
Get high on some gin;                                       
Nosh them, then maybe get chummy...                         
                                                            
29117 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Tutta Gioia              



Though oysters to many may be                               
Considered a delicacy --                                    
To me, they just smell,                                     
And are slimy as well --                                    
Doesn't sound very tasty to me!                             
                                                            
29118 GOURMETS - FISH - SHELLFISH    Kaylin                   



"Hey garcon!  Vous recommend horse?"                        
"Naturellement; ze chef's tour de force.                    
Whole or half?  l'orange?"                                  
"Je suis faim;  I will mange                                
A complete one."  "Hors d'oeuvres?"  "Of course."           
                                                            
29119 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



This plate is a true Ratatouille;                           
And who says French cooking is hooey?                       
It still has the edge                                       
On Angleterre's veg;                                        
Ha ha! et a bas le chou bouilli!                            
                                                            
29120 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Gina Berkeley            



So sweat your courgettes till they're dewy,                 
(For l'eau is the foe of celui),                            
While, golden in huile,                                     
As tomatoes you peel,                                       
Your chopped onions fry free of ennui!                      
                                                            
29121 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Gina Berkeley            



Red peppers and aubergines bluey                            
You stew in fragrantio sui,                                 
And add a last sigh                                         
Of estragon and ail,                                        
As you lie on the floor with the Pouilly...                 
                                                            
29122 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Gina Berkeley            



Mais qu'est-ce ce c'est que ce bruit?                       
Le rest du repas n'est pas cu-it --                         
But the guests on the mat                                   
At the door of the flat                                     
Go ratatatatatatouille!                                     
                                                            
29123 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Gina Berkeley            



N. Bonaparte's life yarns were spun                         
As to food he considered most "fun".                        
It is said he'd fandango                                    
With Poulet Marengo,                                        
But would not waltz with Boeuf Wellington.                  
                                                            
29124 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Loren C Fitzhugh         



At Cordon Bleu, Charlotte named Glaze,                      
Makes hors d'oevres which truly amaze.                      
The men in her classes,                                     
Not only make passes,                                       
She gives the all straight bordelaise.                      
                                                            
29125 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



The Coq au Vin bistro's okay;                               
The food is delicious, I say.                               
It's served by a wench                                      
Who's half Spanish and French,                              
But I'll stick with a cafe - Ole'.                          
                                                            
29126 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Peter Wilkins            



A greedy young fellow called Wrench                         
Owned a cat, two small dogs, and a tench.                   
One day, in a trice,                                        
He cooked them with rice                                    
And called the dish something in French.                    
                                                            
29127 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Michael Palin            



A young femme fatale named Diane,                           
Said, out on the road with her man,                         
"Though eating your pud                                     
In a car's pretty good,                                     
There's nothing quite like coq au vin."                     
                                                            
29128 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



Lie down and relax right here, sweet.                       
Shed your shoes and I'll rub your feet.                     
If you doze perchance,                                      
Then dream of France,                                       
And the coq et palourde we will eat...                      
                                                            
29129 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Jim Weaver Collection    



A handsome young cowboy named Dude                          
Just cannot abide some French food;                         
Too prissy, offensive,                                      
And so darned expensive;                                    
Like his women, his grub should be crude!                   
                                                            
29130 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Mark Levy           P0211



A home-on-the-range chef, Pierre,                           
While making his famous eclair,                             
The insides perverted;                                      
A hot dog inserted                                          
And now, France's first billionaire.                        
                                                            
29131 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Irving Superior     P9901



There once was a German named Fritz,                        
Who holidayed out in Biarritz,                              
He came up from the scene                                   
And the fine French cuisine,                                
And came down with a case of the shits.                     
                                                            
29132 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Graham Lester            



My Charlie's not only good-lookin',                         
She's mastered the art of French cookin'.                   
She's beyond compare,                                       
The men stop and stare;                                     
Too bad guys, she's already tooken!                         
                                                            
29133 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Observer                 



The French are not known for their pies,                    
Their airplanes, their athletes, their spies;               
And don't they succeed                                      
In the one thing we need:                                   
Those hot salty jumbo French fries!                         
                                                            
29134 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Mark Levy           P0211



"It is curious how the world's planners                     
Arranged things," observed Mr. Hanners.                     
"The French grossly rude                                    
Have marvelous food,                                        
While the English have fine table manners."                 
                                                            
29135 GOURMETS - FRENCH              A. N. Wilkins       P8605



To the French our cuisine is a joke.                        
They dismiss us as primitive folk.                          
And forget we're unique in                                  
(Gastronomically speakin')                                  
Kentucky Fried Chicken and Coke.                            
                                                            
29136 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Hugh Oliver         A136A



Said the Master French Chef, Julia Child,                   
"By pate de foie gras I'm beguiled                          
And that Cordon Bleu                                        
Is tres bien too,                                           
But a burger and fries drive me wild!"                      
                                                            
29137 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



And don't speak of food from the French.                    
I do not think I could stand the stench.                    
Before I'd eat a frog,                                      
I'd eat worms or a dog.                                     
I just throw the French bread in a trench.                  
                                                            
29138 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



I've booked us a table for two                              
At the "Coq au Vin" bistro we knew,                         
When we last went to France                                 
And I whipped off your pants,                               
'Cause you said that you needed a screw.                    
                                                            
29139 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



But this time, please wait 'til I've eaten                  
My oysters 'fore raisin' the heatin';                       
And please don't be coarse                                  
While we wait for our horse-                                
Steak by shouting, "Hey Dude!  Get yer meat in!"            
                                                            
29140 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



"My omelets are fluffy, not tough,"                         
Said Henri, the chef at Le Boeuf.                           
"I blend them with cheese;                                  
They're light as a breeze,                                  
And only one egg is an oeuf."                               
                                                            
29141 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Barbara                  



Said a famous French chef, Jean Maloff,                     
"Though my omelets are tiny and tough,                      
Let the customers beg,                                      
For more than one egg;                                      
For a Frenchman, one egg is un oeuf."                       
                                                            
29142 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



There was a French chef named Tony,                         
Whose gourmet credentials were phony.                       
When the menu would boast                                   
Of his pate on toast,                                       
It was realy just cheese and baloney.                       
                                                            
29143 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Portia Little       P0212



Here Pierre the French chef rests his head,                 
Whose 'potage a la tortue' has fed                          
Connoisseurs and gourmets,                                  
All loud in his praise.                                     
"The Great Pan," they lament now, "is dead."                
                                                            
29144 GOURMETS - FRENCH              A. N. Wilkins       P8702



A French chef named Francois LaFaire                        
Used to promenade down by La Mer,                           
Where he'd drag an old quiche                               
On the end of a leash,                                      
Or sometimes some fried pomme de terre.                     
                                                            
29145 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Norm Storer              



I was served escargot, but I couldn't;                      
The pate de foie gras, I just wouldn't.                     
But the pretty young wench                                  
Who was, in fact, French,                                   
Just loved to eat things that she shouldn't.                
                                                            
29146 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Jerry Nordal        P0211



My god, this souffle is supreme!                            
It makes me aroused for a ream!                             
I'll poke it right here...                                  
Now don't that feel queer...                                
You've cooked in a filling of cream!                        
                                                            
29147 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



There was an old woman from Wales                           
Who liked eating red dragon tails.                          
Then she went to Maxim's                                    
And today she just dreams                                   
Of dining on truffles and snails.                           
                                                            
29148 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Warrick Elrod            



There was a young abbess, too boisterous,                   
Who was sent off posthaste from the cloisters.              
She poured vichyssoise                                      
On the salade nicoise,                                      
And Bavarian cream on the oysters.                          
                                                            
29149 GOURMETS - FRENCH                                       



If you give, to a hungry Frank, poissons,                   
There'll be hunger on the morrow's horizons.                
But if you teach that elf                                   
To poisson himself,                                         
His future's wine, sushi, and croissants.                   
                                                            
29150 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Arthur Deex         P0211



Said a herring one day to a sole,                           
"Life's very unfair, 'pon my shoal!                         
While I'm stark on a slab,                                  
You will be with crab,                                      
Billed in French at the Ritz-Metropole."                    
                                                            
29151 GOURMETS - FRENCH              Stanley Sharpless        



Each morning and evening I eat                              
Not bananas, but fruit that is sweet;                       
Such as raspberries, straw-                                 
berries, peaches and more,                                  
But it's melons I save for a treat.                         
                                                            
29152 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



When Johnny was dating Diana,                               
The apples he brought her began a                           
Nice custom that pleased her,                               
But soon Johnny teased her                                  
Into letting her bite his banana.                           
                                                            
29153 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0805



The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray                    
At breakfast with horrid dismay,                            
So he launched off the spoons                               
The pits from his prunes                                    
At their heads as they neared the buffet.                   
                                                            
29154 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Edward Gorey             



A coffee grower named Hopp,                                 
Would take some beans from his crop,                        
And sit down and eat it,                                    
And when he'd excrete it,                                   
It was always good to the last plop!                        
                                                            
29155 GOURMETS - FRUIT               John Chastaine           



A fruit-loving epicure, Herman,                             
Once bit a cumquat with a worm in.                          
His hunger was deadened                                     
By tail or by head end,                                     
But which one, he couldn't determine.                       
                                                            
29156 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Blair Borden             



Don't chomp on your apples that way;                        
It's not nice and may cause an affray,                      
(Or the maitre d' fits)                                     
If you dine at the Ritz.                                    
For decorum de-core 'em, I say.                             
                                                            
29157 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Peter Wilkins            



A chemist we know in L.A.                                   
Drinks hydrazine in his o. j.;                              
"If you mix it just right,                                  
It won't quite ignite,                                      
And it sure keeps the smokers away!"                        
                                                            
29158 GOURMETS - FRUIT               John M. Ford        P8211



I once reached a kind of nirvana                            
While watching a barmaid, Alana,                            
Smile sweetly at me,                                        
And lasciviously                                            
Start to peel and devour a banana.                          
                                                            
29159 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Peter Wilkins            



I have vigor, like twenty platoons;                         
Like Crosby, whenever he croons.                            
I get up at five,                                           
And the time that I thrive                                  
Is after I've eaten my prunes.                              
                                                            
29160 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Al Willis           P9609



Sing, O sweet Muse, of God's apple,                         
'Gainst which He sent poor Eve to grapple.                  
Seduced by her charms,                                      
Mighty Tell spent his arms,                                 
And the Mac and the worm found their chapel.                
                                                            
29161 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Vicki Ragan              



My dear cousing Hanna from Delft                            
Was of truly fine graces bereft.                            
She thought, "Does it hurt                                  
If for my dessert,                                          
I choose the fifth fork on the left?"                       
                                                            
29162 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Monique de Plume         



Consider the common cantaloupe,                             
It will not even make a good soup.                          
But I liked it better,                                      
Till my wife, I met her.                                    
She told me it's good for the poop.                         
                                                            
29163 GOURMETS - FRUIT               G. Padmavijayam          



A fruiterer trading in Wareham                              
Used a sharp knife on his pears to pare 'em.                
He sold pears by the pair                                   
But if any were spare,                                      
He was only too happy to share 'em.                         
                                                            
29164 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Dick Hedger              



Honey Dew does make me sneeze,                              
And if she should open her knees,                           
I might fill her twat                                       
With gobs of green snot.                                    
So none for me if you please                                
                                                            
29165 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



There once was a fellow named Nick,                         
Who the good stuff from garbage would pick.                 
The cans he would mash                                      
And turn in for cash,                                       
And the jam jars he'd thoroughly lick.                      
                                                            
29166 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Conan the Librarian      



My girl she likes strawberry jelly;                         
She'll lick it right off of your belly,                     
Or your hard dicky,                                         
(She's not too picky);                                      
Peanut butter is just too smelly.                           
                                                            
29167 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



I've often been told I'm a klutz,                           
But this girlie, too, has got guts.                         
Whether I'm up a tree,                                      
Or down on one knee,                                        
I'm crazy for all kinds of nuts.                            
                                                            
29168 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



"For that pie," said an Abo named Goomerang                 
"I'd be happy to trade my new boomerang."                   
Too bad, Abo, you made                                      
A very poor trade --                                        
It's half lemon and half Kangaroo meringue.                 
                                                            
29169 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Michael Weinstein   P8611



A fruiterer from Blanford Forum                             
Used a sharp knife on apples to core 'em.                   
The knife sliced the skin                                   
So remarkably thin,                                         
That the flesh left formed more than a quorum.              
                                                            
29170 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Dick Hedger              



"Growing apples," says old Farmer Brice,                    
"Is a job that can give your life spice.                    
For an apple a day                                          
Keeps the doctor away,                                      
As long as your aim is precise."                            
                                                            
29171 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Bob Giandomenico    P8811



My kids are stable and good;                                
At tea time they eat all of their food.                     
They eat prunes and dates;                                  
Always clear their plates,                                  
And they never burp because it's rude.                      
                                                            
29172 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



Orangutans, wishing to dine,                                
Dislike both T-bone and wine;                               
They always refuse them                                     
And never will choose them;                                 
Bananas will suit them just fine.                           
                                                            
29173 GOURMETS - FRUIT               R. J. Winkler       P8408



So tender, so ripe, were they each,                         
And hanging right there within reach!                       
I tasted their skin;                                        
Got juice on my chin;                                       
Thank God for the sweet Georgia peach!                      
                                                            
29174 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Travis Brasell           



Now I have a recipe, too.                                   
Here's one that you may like to do:                         
Let a juicy peach drip                                      
On his penis tip,                                           
And then let him feed it to you!                            
                                                            
29175 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Kaylin Brandon           



"I must leave here," said Lady de Vere,                     
"For these damp airs don't suit me, I fear."                
Said her friend, "Goodness me!                              
If they do not agree                                        
With your system, why eat pears, my dear?"                  
                                                            
29176 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Anon                     



It is said that a limerick a day                            
Will, in fact, keep the doctor away.                        
But an apple that often                                     
Leads straight to the coffin.                               
They're grown with a pesticide spray.                       
                                                            
29177 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Lynn Mostafa             



I love, yes I love, the Dole.                               
In my life it plays a great role.                           
Guess I should not flount it,                               
But I'd be nowhere without it --                            
Pineapple's just yummy when col'!                           
                                                            
29178 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Samuel A. Shaffe    P8609



A naughty young maid from Crum Lynne                        
Ate a pudding and stuck her thumb in,                       
And she said to Jack Horner,                                
"Come here in my corner,                                    
These plums have been soaked in some gin!"                  
                                                            
29179 GOURMETS - FRUIT               William K. Alsop    P8910



There once was a clever young maid,                         
Who only ate grape marmalade.                               
At one hundred and three                                    
She said with a WHEE!                                       
"How nicely preserved I have stayed!"                       
                                                            
29180 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



The best type of raisin is seedless;                        
To prove such a doctrine is needless.                       
But decadent Youth                                          
Will not listen to Truth;                                   
Though one tells them this fact, they are heedless.         
                                                            
29181 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Mark Wainwright          



Ah, raspberries! The taste on my lips                       
As I lick off the juiciest drips,                           
Is such heavenly bliss,                                     
Like my ladyfriend's kiss,                                  
Or the taste of her puckered-up nips.                       
                                                            
29182 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



I watched a young girl from Montana                         
Seductively eat a banana;                                   
Her lips closed around                                      
With a soft sucking sound...                                
My God! I've reached sexual Nirvana.                        
                                                            
29183 GOURMETS - FRUIT               PeterW                   



I, too, saw the banana she ate,                             
But did you see the peach? That was great!                  
The juice it did run                                        
Down her breasts and them some.                             
My food fantasy, she sure could sate!                       
                                                            
29184 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Lars                     



That fruit loving maiden named Marian                       
Both a strawberry and a pear in                             
Her mouth she did stick,                                    
But never a dick,                                           
'Cause she's strictly a vegetarian.                         
                                                            
29185 GOURMETS - FRUIT               John Miller              



Of the grapes, she ate a whole batch;                       
The young girl put them right in her snatch.                
Then pulled out each one                                    
And onto her tongue...                                      
My God! What a fruit sucking catch.                         
                                                            
29186 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Lars                     



The pictures that pop in my head                            
Make my eyes cross and turn my face red.                    
Can't believe what I'm thinking.                            
How low am I sinking?                                       
If I'm wise, I'll just go straight to bed.                  
                                                            
29187 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Cheryl                   



I won't think on boobs dripping juice,                      
'Cause my intake I'm trying to reduce.                      
But I have dreams of meat,                                  
All those good things to eat,                               
Like that salami I want to seduce.                          
                                                            
29188 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Cheryl                   



Can't stop thinking of manners and berries,                 
And whipped cream with maraschino cherries,                 
And dipped ice cream cones,                                 
Cream-filled pastries cause groans,                         
And how at her sucking, she tarries.                        
                                                            
29189 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Cheryl                   



A young couple on their first night, afraid,                
Thought they'd try out a marital aid.                       
It's cool and its long,                                     
Its EXPLODED!  Whats wrong?,                                
That's no dildo, that's Sharpes Lemonade.                   
                                                            
29190 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



At the risque of being quite rude,                          
I eat my potage in the nude.                                
I couldn't be prouder                                       
Of my old clam chowder,                                     
Or the way that my prunes are stewed.                       
                                                            
29191 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



At the banana bin I linger,                                 
Some ballock-sized plums I finger.                          
The young stock boy gapes,                                  
But his name escapes                                        
Me. I've heard that he's quite the swinger!                 
                                                            
29192 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



Cucumbers would be my real picks,                           
If I were into gourds doing tricks,                         
But it's seems a bit lame.                                  
I remember his name!                                        
"Where do you keep the vegetable Dicks?"                    
                                                            
29193 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



Tasting like pussy, he'd found                              
An apple, voluptuous and round.                             
He just took a bit,                                         
Found it tasted like shit,                                  
Then he remembered to turn it around.                       
                                                            
29194 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Jim Weaver Collection    



Tasting like pussy, I'd found                               
An apple, voluptuous and round.                             
But taking a bite,                                          
It tasted like shite;                                       
I forgot to turn it around.                                 
                                                            
29195 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Dr. Dirty                



One day in a small town on Skye                             
A finger turned up in a pie,                                
Then a nose and two lips,                                   
Then a fine pair of hips,                                   
Then a waitress jumped out and said "Hi!"                   
                                                            
29196 GOURMETS - FRUIT               Michael Palin            



When cousin Al got up a swellin'                            
And I started loud rebel yellin',                           
We'd go to the patch                                        
And pick us a batch.                                        
There's nothing like hot watermelon.                        
                                                            
29197 GOURMETS - FRUIT                                        



A glutton who came from the Rhine,                          
Was asked at what hour he would dine.                       
He replied, "At eleven,                                     
At three, five, and seven,                                  
And eight and a quarter to nine."                           
                                                            
29198 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



To a person arriving in Heaven,                             
Said St. Peter, "We dine sharp at seven,                    
Then breakfast's at eight--                                 
Never mind if you're late--                                 
'Cause there's biscuits and milk, at eleven."               
                                                            
29199 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



"Look there!" said the alien, "That's neat!"                
'Twas a sign that said, "ALL YOU CAN EAT".                  
So he ate the waiter,                                       
Some plates, and the Maitre                                 
d' topped with sour cream and dilled beet.                  
                                                            
29200 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



Herein's the rest of the scoop:                             
The group gave the owner some poop,                         
The busboy was tough,                                       
And if that's not enough,                                   
There's a waiter's fly in my soup.                          
                                                            
29201 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Irish                    



If you like to eat out each day,                            
But small portions cause you dismay,                        
Take your voracity,                                         
Plus some audacity,                                         
To the all-you-can-eat buffet.                              
                                                            
29202 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Michael                  



She's a master of all bakery;                               
A menace to non-gluttony.                                   
When she makes a small pie                                  
For gourmands such as I,                                    
This is art with a captital T.                              
                                                            
29203 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Pete,                        
Who ate ninety-nine shredded wheat.                         
Now his arms are much stronger                              
And twenty feet longer                                      
From gripping the lavatory seat.                            
                                                            
29204 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Funfax Limericks         



There was an old man of Calcutta,                           
Who doted on muffins and butter.                            
He went out to tea                                          
And ate seventy-three,                                      
And was carried home 'bust' on a shutter.                   
                                                            
29205 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Anon              (Bibby)



A bird-watcher down on Par Sands,                           
Had a wife who made pastries so grand.                      
They were bigger than feet,                                 
Full of veggies and meat,                                   
When he ate them, he needed both hands.                     
                                                            
29206 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Cornish Times contest '97



A somewhat rediculous prince                                
Had a passion for pies, mainly mince,                       
Till his stomach went clang!                                
And Boom Boom! And Bang Bang!                               
And nobody's heard from his since.                          
                                                            
29207 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Brandy Brandon      P9407



If you're sick of a drink that is purple,                   
You are liable to find that a burp'll                       
Make you feel all right,                                    
Help you sleep through the night,                           
At least a burp'll be better than a slurp'll.               
                                                            
29208 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Dennis Jespersen         



A jovial but plump Israeli                                  
Decided to open a deli.                                     
His proneness to munch                                      
On a customer's lunch                                       
Accounts for the size of his belly.                         
                                                            
29209 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Pedro J. Saavedra   P8203



A greedy young actress once said,                           
As she gobbled down slices of bread,                        
"If I eat one more crust,                                   
I'm sure I will bust!"                                      
At which point her audience fled.                           
                                                            
29210 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



Ol' Bubba, since he is a glutton,                           
Eats truckloads of french fries and mutton;                 
But his favorite pastime,                                   
Unchanged since the last time,                              
Is 'lint-licking' Lou's bellybutton.                        
                                                            
29211 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



There was a Professor named Chesterton,                     
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on.                 
Being hungry he ate it,                                     
But lived to regret it,                                     
And ruined for life his digesterton.                        
                                                            
29212 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           William S. Gilbert       



There was a young man of St. Just                           
Who ate of new bread till he bust.                          
It was not the crumb,                                       
For it passed through his bum,                              
But what buggered him up was the crust.                     
(Published 1870)                                            
29213 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                               L0795



There was an old man of Hawaii,                             
Who ate too much whale and shark pie.                       
So quaffing some sperm-oil,                                 
He quitted life's turmoil,                                  
Without even saying, "Good-bye!"                            
                                                            
29214 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



A man died while eating in Sydney;                          
Sausage, steak, chops, ham, liver, and kidney.              
Said his wife, sad but proud,                               
"'E was boorish and loud,                                   
But 'e knew 'ow to eat breakfast, didney?"                  
                                                            
29215 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Stargazer                



A gluttonous woman named Kay                                
Was seen at a local buffet,                                 
And, devoid of all grace,                                   
She was stuffing her face,                                  
In a frightful and vulgar display.                          
                                                            
29216 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Cap'n Bean               



A greedy old gourmet called Woody                           
Found a restaurant's beef-steak so good he                  
Ordered five or six more.                                   
Asked the chef after four:                                  
"It's not that he couldn't, but should he?"                 
                                                            
29217 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a yong lady named Perkins,                        
Exceedingly fond of small gherkins.                         
She went out to tea                                         
And ate forty-three,                                        
Which pickled her internal workin's.                        
                                                            
29218 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



His escutcheon had boars on its fess;                       
Main family trait to express.                               
They stood not for strength                                 
Or service at length,                                       
But perfection in art of the FRESS.                         
                                                            
29219 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Elois                    



Everything's fried at the Fair,                             
Including the people right there.                           
The sun and the beer                                        
Cause the wisest to steer                                   
A course to their stomach's despair.                        
                                                            
29220 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Timothy Torkildson       



His appetite was VORACIOUS;                                 
Table manners: less than gracious.                          
He stuffed his face                                         
At a furious pace,                                          
With a meal that was truly bodacious.                       
                                                            
29221 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Norm Brust               



I just woke up feeling so great!                            
Like I barely had gained any weight.                        
Not so says my scale.                                       
This despair it won't quail;                                
So I go pile food on my plate.                              
                                                            
29222 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Anon                     



In the Great Fire of London, dear me,                       
The flames literally went on a spree                        
Between Pudding and Pie                                     
Streets, so some did decry                                  
From their pulpits the sin: Gluttony!                       
                                                            
29223 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



Alice was walking through Putney,                           
Eating some mangoes and chutney.                            
The policeman she saw                                       
Fell over in awe.                                           
He never had seen so much gluttony.                         
                                                            
29224 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Phil T                   



Ethnic food has its own small domain                        
In the middle of town. I ate chow mein,                     
And tacos and noodles                                       
And blintzes and strudels...                                
Now I wonder which one gave me ptomaine.                    
                                                            
29225 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           John Miller 0108         



Erasmus Emanuel Jones                                       
Was awfully fond of grilled bones.                          
After eating a score,                                       
He asked for some more.                                     
That's why he lies under these stones.                      
                                                            
29226 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



There was an old glutton named Sam,                         
Who had a great weakness for ham.                           
When they brought him bacon,                                
He said, "You're mistaken,                                  
But I'll eat it all, pig that I am!"                        
                                                            
29227 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



A mathematician named Rota                                  
Had an inordinate fondness for soda.                        
To keep himself thin,                                       
He took out his pen,                                        
And Rota wrote a soda quota.                                
                                                            
29228 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



A skinny French lady named Suzie,                           
When eating was never too choosy.                           
She ate so much food,                                       
It hardly got chewed.                                       
Her metabolism sure was a doozy!                            
                                                            
29229 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Bob Leclerc              



There was a young lady of Michigan                          
To see her I never would wish again.                        
She'd gobble ice cream                                      
Till with pain she would scream,                            
Then she'd order another big dish again.                    
                                                            
29230 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



My dad had a theory like that:                              
"Clean you plate, son; now only a rat                       
Would leave stuff on his plate                              
When some kid in Kuwait                                     
Starves to death in an unheated flat."                      
                                                            
29231 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



Now I no longer grieve for Kuwait,                          
But I still feel I MUST clean my plate.                     
My guilt trip for that                                      
And the blame for my fat,                                   
I lay square on my dear old dad's pate                      
                                                            
29232 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



I'm puzzled how self-deprivation                            
Adds one jot to some poor person's station.                 
But, hey, what the heck,                                    
It's politically correct,                                   
And adds credence to dad's declaration.                     
                                                            
29233 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



With your honey, you do some sweeting,                      
'Tween her thighs, a tongue-in-groove heating;              
Like parsley on steak,                                      
Pubic hair do not take;                                     
You push it aside; keep on eating!                          
                                                            
29234 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



While busty Ms. Jen bumps and grinds,                       
Not all men have her on their minds;                        
One would rather eat                                        
Than beat his dead meat --                                  
He sits munching crisp pigskin rinds.                       
                                                            
29235 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



I dine at the best spot in Cork,                            
On the best of pig's head and of pork.                      
I eat spuds and boiled eggs,                                
And turkey-cocks legs,                                      
And I don't have to use knife or fork!                      
                                                            
29236 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Linda Marsh Coll         



I ate and I ate and I ate.                                  
I ate every thing on my plate.                              
My gut's bloody sore.                                       
Can't fit through a door.                                   
I've never been quite so oblate.                            
                                                            
29237 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



There was a young fellow from Europe,                       
Who loved to eat pancakes and syrup.                        
He ate a huge stack,                                        
And then he went back,                                      
To make some more batter to stir up..                       
                                                            
29238 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Ina Chapman         P9208



There was this guy called Peter,                            
Who drinks Coca Cola by the litre.                          
The pies that he eats                                       
Contain veggies and meats,                                  
And have a radius of at least a metre.                      
                                                            
29239 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           P. Copeman               



Lean and hungry gunfighter, Sorrell,                        
Put up a good fight, then he fell.                          
The whole town was abuzz                                    
For what did him in was,                                    
His pig out at the Golden Corral.                           
                                                            
29240 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



A giant of a man from Barbados                              
Set a record for eating tomatoes.                           
"There was nothing to it.                                   
I knew I could do it.                                       
Pardon me while I drain my potatoes."                       
                                                            
29241 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Ida                            
Who did not know rhubarb from cider.                        
She drank up a quart,                                       
Which was more than she ort,                                
And had very strange feelings inside her.                   
                                                            
29242 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                               P8209



There once was a gourmand from Greece,                      
Who munched mutton down to the fleece,                      
With retsina wine.                                          
"SATIETY's fine,                                            
But I think I'll have just one more piece."                 
                                                            
29243 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Chris Papa               



The Greeks simply gorge upon mutton;                        
It's an honor to be called a glutton.                       
Greek society                                               
Applauds SATIETY                                            
And cheers when you pop a button.                           
                                                            
29244 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Norm                     



A cheerful young glutton named Ben                          
Ate some very large meals now and then.                     
He fastened his lips                                        
Around steak, egg and chips,                                
Bacon, sausage and barbecued hen.                           
                                                            
29245 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Funfax Limericks         



K is for kind little Katy,                                  
Who weighs near a hundred and eighty!                       
She eats ten times a day,                                   
And her doctors all say                                     
That's the reason she's growing so weighty.                 
                                                            
29246 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



Mon went to the Borscht Belt last fall.                     
"How was it?" I asked in my call.                           
"I didn't enjoy, son,                                       
The food was like poison,                                   
Besides that, the portions were small."                     
                                                            
29247 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Bktep                    



Said the Prof, "Human stomachs, it's true,                  
Hold at most just a quart, never two."                      
Disrupting the class                                        
The usual wise ass                                          
Said, "Wrong, and I'll prove it to you!"                    
                                                            
29248 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



Thus saying this miserable jerk                             
Taking two quarts of milk, set to work.                     
To increase his renown                                      
By drinking them down,                                      
And then he declared with a smirk...                        
                                                            
29249 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



"I have just proved your statement untrue, man!"            
But the Prof in response told him, "You can                 
Just toss out your 'proof,'                                 
I in fact did not goof,                                     
I distinctly and clearly said 'HUMAN'!"                     
                                                            
29250 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



There was a young gourmand of Johns,                        
Who'd a notion of dining on swans.                          
To the Backs he took big nets                               
To capture the cygnets,                                     
But was told they were kept for the dons.                   
                                                            
29251 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           A. C. Hilton             



There was a young maid of Manila,                           
Whose favorite ice cream was vanilla.                       
But sad to relate,                                          
Though you piled up her plate,                              
'Twas impossible ever to fill her.                          
                                                            
29252 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



"Two pastries and chips, please" he quoth,                  
"With plenty of salt on them both."                         
But the chip shop had closed                                
And the floor had been hosed,                               
So he let out a blasphemous oath.                           
                                                            
29253 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Cyberkeats               



A gourmand eats burger and fries                            
Like a glutton and might have large thighs.                 
Always in the mood                                          
For all sorts of food;                                      
Watch out, if your meal gourmand eyes.                      
                                                            
29254 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Gary Hallock             



There was a fat lady from Eye,                              
Who felt she was likely to die;                             
But for fear that once dead                                 
She would not be well-fed,                                  
She gulped down a pig, a cow, a sheep, twelve buns, a       
seven-layer cake, four cups of coffee and a green apple pie.
29255 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           T. J. Spencer            



A honky, white trucker, named Keith                         
Choked to death when he swallowed his teeth                 
At a roadside cafe.                                         
They were out of pate,                                      
So he devoured a whole side of beef.                        
                                                            
29256 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS           Candice Cunningham  P9505



My Morganstern buddy named Shelley,                         
Did ponder while stroking his belly:                        
I wonder if Frank                                           
When faced with some skank,                                 
Prefers it to bagels and jelly.                             
                                                            
29257 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



When picking 'sophistical' nits,                            
Shell Morganstern must call it quits;                       
He knows that his buddy,                                    
Ol' Frank, is plain nutty                                   
For not wanting clits -- but hot grits!                     
                                                            
29258 GOURMETS - GOURMANDS                                    



The meal that you've fed me this eve?                       
Best I've ever had, I believe.                              
You, wearing bikini,                                        
While serving linguini                                      
Has really perked up your reprieve.                         
                                                            
29259 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



What language was this written in?                          
Is it a low-class Italian?                                  
It makes no sense to me,                                    
Maybe to Chef Boy-Ar-Dee;                                   
Was it anything to do with foreskin?                        
                                                            
29260 GOURMETS - ITALIAN                                      



Roberto's a fine young Italian,                             
He's truly hung like a stallion.                            
He eats pasta all day,                                      
But at night we will play                                   
With his wonderful, glistening medallion.                   
                                                            
29261 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Lasagna's the best - can't beat it,                         
But just remember to eat it.                                
'Cause he who hasta                                         
Forget the pasta,                                           
Will be condemned to reheat it.                             
                                                            
29262 GOURMETS - ITALIAN                                      



Tom was young, had good looks, and a high                   
Success rate among women, who'd sigh                        
If he gave them a wink.                                     
As he ordered a drink,                                      
He caught the young waitress's eye.                         
                                                            
29263 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Steve123                 



Now Tom was a natural charmer;                              
He thought that easily he'd disarm her,                     
With charisma flowing.                                      
But if he'd been knowing                                    
The future, he'd have been less calmer.                     
                                                            
29264 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Steve123                 



"What time do you get out of here?"                         
"Much too late", she said pouring his beer.                 
Then he ordered a meal                                      
Of spaghetti and veal,                                      
And she brought it, not hiding a sneer.                     
                                                            
29265 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Steve123                 



A mouthful of parmesan cheese                               
Induced him to suddenly sneeze.                             
The resulting expulsion                                     
Was met with revulsion                                      
By all, when it lobbed on his knees.                        
                                                            
29266 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Steve123                 



Undaunted, the fool pushes on.                              
"I was thinkin', maybe, when you're done                    
Look, let's cut to the chase -                              
How 'bout yours or my place                                 
You can't hide, matters not where you run."                 
                                                            
29267 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Steve123                 



"It seems I'm allergic," she muttered                       
Among the expletives she stuttered.                         
Said the girl tipping beer,                                 
In his lap "out of here,                                    
And take that proposal you uttered!"                        
                                                            
29268 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Steve123                 



If Tom was the gift that God gave                           
To women, then they've been depraved.                       
I think that they oughta                                    
Find someone much smarter;                                  
I hope the receipt they have saved.                         
                                                            
29269 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Gearhart                 



There once was a man from Pisagna,                          
Who ate a big plate of Lasagna.                             
And when he was through,                                    
He was covered in goo,                                      
And he said that the stuff does stick on ya!                
                                                            
29270 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Consider fastidious Tony,                                   
He couldn't abide Macaroni;                                 
This may appear petty                                       
For he relished spaghetti,                                  
And loved a nice podgy polony.                              
(podgy - softly fat; polony - partly cooked sausage)        
29271 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Langford Reed     (Bibby)



Paul said to Angela, "I wan' ya'.                           
And I want to lay riches upon ya'."                         
Still he wasn't quite sure                                  
And had to defer                                            
Until he tried Lucy's lasagna!                              
                                                            
29272 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Ed                       



Some Italians do things which may please                    
Themselves while they are taking their ease.                
When dining al fresco,                                      
The old chilled Francesco                                   
Says, "Please don't seat me beneath a frieze."              
                                                            
29273 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



The trouble with Parmesan cheese                            
Is: it cakes in the shaker with ease.                       
There is hardly a doubt                                     
That in shaking it out,                                     
You have burned more than earned calories.                  
                                                            
29274 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Prof M-G           TP9901



Just ordered a pizza with cheese;                           
They told me t'would arrive in a breeze.                    
Pepperoni and bacon                                         
Is what they are makin'.                                    
With no lousy anchovies, please!                            
                                                            
29275 GOURMETS - ITALIAN                                      



A Jew and a pizza would seem                                
Have a difference deep and supreme.                         
If the two in an oven                                       
You're forcibly shovin',                                    
It's the pizza, you see, that won't scream.                 
                                                            
29276 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             John Q. ThrockwistleP8312



It's carbos and fats that I crave;                          
For these treasures I work like a slave.                    
Lift a beer to my lips,                                     
To wash down the chips,                                     
While the pizzas are diggin' my grave.                      
                                                            
29277 GOURMETS - ITALIAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



A young lady named Simone,                                  
Would never eat pizza alone.                                
But add just one friend,                                    
And she'd eat without end,                                  
And never need pay for her own.                             
                                                            
29278 GOURMETS - ITALIAN                                      



'Fore I'd fuck with those fans of spaghetti,                
I'd fly off to the Plain Serengeti,                         
In the hopes my penile                                      
Isn't deep in denial,                                       
And rendered machete confetti.                              
                                                            
29279 GOURMETS - ITALIAN                                      



There is an old cook in N.Y.                                
Who insists you should always st.p.;                        
He says he once tried                                       
To eat some that was fried,                                 
And claims he would rather ch.c.                            
                                                            
29280 GOURMETS - MEAT                Anon                     



A leprechaun from County Cork                               
Had not once in his life seen a fork.                       
Since he was in a stable                                    
Rather than at the table,                                   
He pitched it at pigs not at pork.                          
                                                            
29281 GOURMETS - MEAT                Jim Weaver Collection    



While the chef was preparing a treat,                       
The waitress stood by so discreet.                          
When she asked, "What is love?"                             
He said, "Heavens above!                                    
It is when I am basting my meat!"                           
                                                            
29282 GOURMETS - MEAT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2341



A woman in Thief River Falls                                
Was a glutton for beef liver balls;                         
When she yelled, "Dinner's ready!"                          
Her spouse muttered, "Steady!                               
The beef-liver grief-giver calls."                          
                                                            
29283 GOURMETS - MEAT                William K. Alsop    P8910



The waiter said: "Try the ragout,"                          
When asked to suggest something new.                        
Then he said to the cook                                    
With a sly backward look;                                   
"The gent want a bowl of beef stew."                        
                                                            
29284 GOURMETS - MEAT                Anon                     



It's true, I sure love to partake,                          
A rare juicy sirloin beef steak,                            
That melts in my mouth.                                     
I hear that down south,                                     
They're so big, they make your jaw ache.                    
                                                            
29285 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



There once was a man from Shallot,                          
Whose head was shaped much like a pot.                      
His wife, by mistake,                                       
Put his head in to bake,                                    
And served her guests brains, piping hot!                   
                                                            
29286 GOURMETS - MEAT                Jim Weaver Collection    



Bacon meat, if you heat British style,                      
Is a soft glob of fat I revile.                             
Since that's how they dine,                                 
I won't eat their swine,                                    
So I'm sure that their flesh is quite vile!                 
                                                            
29287 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



That Burger King tot had the luck,                          
Not me, I spent more than a buck;                           
That kid got the breaks                                     
By sucking milk shakes,                                     
Plus his 'Kid's Meal' included a truck.                     
                                                            
29288 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



Ronald McDonald cooks patties                               
That turn all the Yanks into fatties.                       
Each burger is full                                         
Of cholesterol,                                             
And we all know how good for you that is!                   
                                                            
29289 GOURMETS - MEAT                Tim                      



There was an old lady from Mallow,                          
Whose complexion was just very sallow,                      
When asked for the cause,                                   
She replied without pause -                                 
"Sure, three times a day I chew tallow!"                    
                                                            
29290 GOURMETS - MEAT                Linda Marsh Coll         



"His life was a grind, butcher Saul."                       
The chairperson, a teardrop let fall.                       
"This man, in his prime,                                    
His choice at the time                                      
Was simply to just chuck it all.                            
                                                            
29291 GOURMETS - MEAT                Irving Superior     P8702



A gourmet on the fly named McGrew,                          
Tried to score on each airline he flew.                     
Alas, though, Aer Lingus                                    
Foiled taste buds and dingus.                               
'Twas the fault of a cold Irish stew!                       
                                                            
29292 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



Said Ida naively to Pete:                                   
"Though one's genital zone is raw meat,                     
It seems incredible                                         
The stuff can be edible,                                    
But they claim it's delightful to eat."                     
                                                            
29293 GOURMETS - MEAT                                   G0872a



"Have you ever tasted such coarse meat?                     
My wife must be feeding us horsemeat.                       
She'll not again dare                                       
To serve us such fare,                                      
Unless she considers divorce mete."                         
                                                            
29294 GOURMETS - MEAT                Laurence Perrine    P9505



When I cook melange of grains,                              
My kids thaink I've lost all my brains.                     
"Give us some meat,"                                        
They cry, "not this peat."                                  
And they dump the stew down the drains.                     
                                                            
29295 GOURMETS - MEAT                Esther                   



There was young fellow named Wyatt                          
Who kept a big girl on the quiet.                           
But down on the wharf                                       
He kept a dwarf,                                            
In case he should go on a diet.                             
                                                            
29296 GOURMETS - MEAT                Anon                G0858



None of my shirts will button.                              
I don't think that I am a glutton.                          
Born hungry, I guess,                                       
Must start eating less                                      
Of things I don't like, such as mutton.                     
                                                            
29297 GOURMETS - MEAT                Dorman John Grace   P9504



Did someone allude to fillet?                               
The kind that quite oft gets away?                          
And for which I unsheathe?                                  
That gets stuck in my teeth?                                
And makes me walk funny all day?                            
                                                            
29298 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



This young man liked licking one's feet,                    
Be one Tom, Dick, or Harry, or Pete.                        
If a feminine toe                                           
Happened by, he said, "No,                                  
I'm sorry, but that's not my meat."                         
                                                            
29299 GOURMETS - MEAT                Gents Alphabet Book P9507



Sometimes she asks for a fork,                              
When eating a tough piece of pork.                          
To her great surprise,                                      
He unzips his flies,                                        
And discovers 'twas fork and not fawk!                      
                                                            
29300 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



Now meat from La France I've forsaken;                      
I hear that dead artists they've taken                      
To chop, mince and feed                                     
To the piglets they breed.                                  
I'll refuse, if you please, France's bacon.                 
                                                            
29301 GOURMETS - MEAT                Peter Wilkins            



E're the waitress jumps in with her slasher,                
And creams your potatoes with masher,                       
This choice that you're makin'                              
In declining the bacon,                                     
Just couldn't be brasher or rasher.                         
                                                            
29302 GOURMETS - MEAT                Hugh Clary               



I am finally firmly inbued                                  
With great confidence when I make STRUD                     
EL or HASENPFEFFER                                          
So now I'll "endeffer"                                      
To fry bacon or ham while I'm nude.                         
                                                            
29303 GOURMETS - MEAT                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9709



A nice young librarian from New York,                       
Refused to eat meat with a fork.                            
Off the spoon it would flip,                                
'Cross the floor it would slip,                             
To be eaten by tomorrow's pork.                             
                                                            
29304 GOURMETS - MEAT                Earl J Moniz             



God sure made some good things to eat,                      
But veggie folk frown at the feat.                          
If it wasn't God's plan,                                    
To have cows eaten by man,                                  
He wouldn't have made them of meat.                         
(apologies to Flanders and Swann - McW)                     
29305 GOURMETS - MEAT                Irish                    



Would we could return to days of yore                       
When we knew not what foods held in store.                  
Red meat ruled over fishes,                                 
Butter was just delicious;                                  
Merely that, certainly nothing more.                        
                                                            
29306 GOURMETS - MEAT                Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



"Red meat," said physician O'Rourke,                        
"I mean like your cow and your pork,                        
Will give you a heart                                       
Attack, stroke, make you fart,                              
And put green-yellow spots on your dork."                   
                                                            
29307 GOURMETS - MEAT                Frank Perdue        P8604



The old hamburg-maker named Pete                            
Came home every day somewhat beat.                          
His wife itched for a lay,                                  
But he said, "Not today --                                  
All day I've been plunging the meat."                       
                                                            
29308 GOURMETS - MEAT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2226



Cor blimey!  Bloody Hell!  Crikey!                          
That hedgehog pie weren't half spikey.                      
Me wife is a slut;                                          
It's destroying me gut.                                     
Me shit'll be black more than likey.                        
                                                            
29309 GOURMETS - MEAT                Phil T                   



I'd rather feel my arteries harden,                         
Than eat from a vegetable garden.                           
Tomatoes are fine                                           
If they stay on the vine;                                   
I'm a meat lover, begging your pardon!                      
                                                            
29310 GOURMETS - MEAT                Anon                     



A tiger sees no reason why it                               
Should favor a vegetable diet.                              
He likes flesh to eat,                                      
Especially human meat.                                      
"It's delicious!" he roars.  "You should try it!"           
                                                            
29311 GOURMETS - MEAT                Laurence Perrine    P8402



Did I hear you mention a steak?                             
I'm hungry and my belly does ache.                          
Is it thick and juicy,                                      
Char-grilled and spicey?                                    
If so, a bite may I partake?                                
                                                            
29312 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



A hard-working butcher named Jake                           
Would never take time for a break.                          
He would toil endlessly                                     
Like the busiest bee,                                       
For he knew that his job was at steak.                      
                                                            
29313 GOURMETS - MEAT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2628



A very weird fellow named Clark                             
Gobbles spiders up, just for a lark.                        
He's gone very hairy,                                       
And looks awful scary,                                      
But spins lovely webs in the park.                          
                                                            
29314 GOURMETS - MEAT                Funfax Limericks         



There was a young fellow named Jake                         
Who choked on a huge piece of steak.                        
It tasted so good,                                          
He ate more than he should;                                 
Now we're attending his wake.                               
                                                            
29315 GOURMETS - MEAT                Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a Levine from New York,                           
Who loved ham and sausage and pork.                         
He knew that he shouldn't,                                  
But quit it, he couldn't,                                   
So he changed his last named to O'Rourke.                   
                                                            
29316 GOURMETS - MEAT                Wanda Cunningham    P9208



Friar, your pig shot past me,                               
Four feet off the ground yelling "Wheeeeee!"                
He didn't get far;                                          
Slammed into a car;                                         
But the bacon was nice - thanking thee!                     
                                                            
29317 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



Thank God for the Spring!  It is thrilling                  
When I think of the juice that is spilling                  
From one young and tender;                                  
A "grade-A" rear ender,                                     
Like the loin that the cook is now grilling.                
                                                            
29318 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



Two tables, a restaurant barter;                            
The waiter could have been more smarter.                    
For fish and for steak --                                   
A double mistake --                                         
For A1 I bartered for tartar.                               
                                                            
29319 GOURMETS - MEAT                Irving Superior     P2005



The curry, as served in New Delhi,                          
Is known to put fire in your belly.                         
But the head of the class,                                  
Is the one from Madras,                                     
Which'll turn you intestines to jelly.                      
                                                            
29320 GOURMETS - MEAT                Barrie Collins           



There was a young man of Glengarridge,                      
The fruit of a scrofulous marriage.                         
He sucked off his brother,                                  
And buggered his mother,                                    
And ate his sisters miscarriage.                            
                                                            
29321 GOURMETS - MEAT                                    L0776



The people, who, dining at Crewe,                           
Found objects untoward in their stew,                       
Were so cowed by the wait-                                  
Er, they shut up and ate                                    
What, at Crewe, they call "Mystery Ragout."                 
                                                            
29322 GOURMETS - MEAT                Robin K. Willoughby P8507



There once was a man from New York,                         
Whose penis was shaped like a fork.                         
While screwing his wife,                                    
Who was shaped like a knife,                                
They could carve up a really nice pork!                     
                                                            
29323 GOURMETS - MEAT                Tillmanator              



Well, hark to this sad story, Tony:                         
Today at the butcher's, a bony                              
Old gal cast a glance                                       
Toward the bulge in my pants,                               
Then asked for nine pounds of baloney!                      
                                                            
29324 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



There was an old farmer of Crecy,                           
Who said to his wife, "It is messy                          
And besides it is rude                                      
To serve eggs in the nude.                                  
In their shells they are modest and dressy."                
                                                            
29325 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



There was a young fellow from York                          
Who said that he didn't like pork.                          
Not the meat, he loved Hams                                 
Baked crispy with yams,                                     
He just didn't like screwing, the dork.                     
                                                            
29326 GOURMETS - MEAT                Jim Weaver Collection    



Take this piggy from old Tennessee,                         
Show him all the fine sights he can see.                    
When he's had quite enough,                                 
If he's tender, not tough,                                  
Can him quick, but don't give him to me.                    
                                                            
29327 GOURMETS - MEAT                Mike O'Conner            



A salad was fashioned by Pickett                            
From greens that he picked in the thicket.                  
There passed a grasshopper                                  
Right through the food chopper                              
And Pickett said, "That is not cricket!"                    
                                                            
29328 GOURMETS - MEAT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2747



To his wife said a grumbler named Dutton,                   
"I'm a gourmet, I am, not a glutton.                        
For ham, jam or lamb,                                       
I don't give a damn.                                        
Come on, let's return to our mutton."                       
                                                            
29329 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



I once knew a guy from New York,                            
Who on Friday's he wouldn't eat pork.                       
When a lady asked why,                                      
He quickly replied:                                         
"Because, you fat pig, you're a dork!"                      
                                                            
29330 GOURMETS - MEAT                Gearhart                 



"I love organs," she said, "Even kidney.                    
I've had sweetbreads from Brisbane to Sidney.               
A good serving of liver                                     
Will set me aquiver,                                        
Just like Tom and his organ: Well, didn' he?"               
                                                            
29331 GOURMETS - MEAT                John Miller 0090         



"There are giblets that go in a stew,                       
And chittlin's appeal to a few.                             
You can start with some heart                               
And end up with the part                                    
That's best shared just between me and you."                
                                                            
29332 GOURMETS - MEAT                John Miller 0090a        



"The stores will no longer sell lung,                       
Nor cojones from a bull that's well-hung;                   
And there isn't much hype                                   
About kidney or tripe,                                      
But I truly ADORE some good tongue!"                        
                                                            
29333 GOURMETS - MEAT                John Miller 0090b        



The duck is a generous giver,                               
Who gladly parts with his liver.                            
So I dine like a Shah                                       
With my fois gras                                           
And even fed my cat a small sliver.                         
                                                            
29334 GOURMETS - MEAT                Norm Brust               



Oprah Winfrey sure has what it takes                        
To give old McDonald's the shakes!                          
Now that she's had her say,                                 
Selling beef will not pay;                                  
Cattle ranchers are pulling up steaks!                      
                                                            
29335 GOURMETS - MEAT                Gerry Busch              



It seems that millions of Brits,                            
Have become pork-pie eating addicts.                        
Eating one every day,                                       
Throwing wrappers away,                                     
So to this, they won't have to admit.                       
                                                            
29336 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



A good Pork Pie's a real treat;                             
Crusty pastry filled with meat,                             
Pastry lined with aspic jelly,                              
Puts a lining in your belly,                                
By gum, they're so good to eat.                             
                                                            
29337 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



A horny old bugger named Sam,                               
Had a fondness for mutton and lamb.                         
He declared, "Though I fear                                 
Some may think me a queer,                                  
I don't care if it's ewe or it's ram."                      
                                                            
29338 GOURMETS - MEAT                Bluebird           TP9806



Epicures who enjoy rack of lamb,                            
Must, at times be contented with ham.                       
When deficient, it's due,                                   
By and large, to the ewe,                                   
And, rarely, stems from lack of ram.                        
                                                            
29339 GOURMETS - MEAT                Bob Giandomenico    P2005



The technique of the two Brothers Roux,                     
Is: "Throw everything in the stew."                         
They call it "Pot Luck",                                    
And your instantly struck                                   
By memories of Regent's Park Zoo.                           
                                                            
29340 GOURMETS - MEAT                Bill Wall                



A Christian, a Moslem, a Jew                                
Were met at a great barbecue.                               
While the Christian took ham,                               
And the Arab took lamb,                                     
The Jew damned them both and had stew.                      
                                                            
29341 GOURMETS - MEAT                Warrick Elrod            



Armadillos and 'possums will stray                          
And get crushed on a Texas highway.                         
Though with hot cajun spice,                                
They will taste really nice,                                
They're no match for your seafood buffet!                   
                                                            
29342 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



A man in the great state of Texas                           
Drives a pickup instead of a Lexus.                         
He travels on wheels                                        
Looking for some meals;                                     
Look for Old Road Kill Bill in the nexus.                   
                                                            
29343 GOURMETS - MEAT                Liam na Beag             



He was off to the town he was from,                         
Taking girlfriend to meet his sweet mum.                    
When there came a loud "THUD"                               
From under the hood,                                        
And he didn't know what it was from.                        
                                                            
29344 GOURMETS - MEAT                Liam na Beag             



He stopped on the road with a swirl;                        
When the dust cleared, he saw a dead squirrel.              
He placed the dead creature                                 
With a long-handled reacher,                                
In a sack which he stored in the rear well.                 
                                                            
29345 GOURMETS - MEAT                Liam na Beag             



When they got to him mums house, you see,                   
The squirrel with veggies and tea!                          
You may think this one                                      
Was just written for fun,                                   
But the legend needs telling -- by me.                      
                                                            
29346 GOURMETS - MEAT                Liam na Beag             



When I went to the big marketplace,                         
An old lush by the butcher's meat case                      
Became quite a boor,                                        
When he knelt on the floor                                  
Mumbling, "Rump roast, please fart in my face."             
                                                            
29347 GOURMETS - MEAT                Don Moore           P0104



When a girl on a farm in Saskatchewan,                      
Wants a chicken, she'll run out and catch you one.          
Or she'll stick some hen eggs                               
Up between her slim legs,                                   
And sooner or later will hatch you one.                     
                                                            
29348 GOURMETS - MEAT                Pierce Evans             



I cannot be bothered with snails.                           
They haven't tongues, noses, or tails.                      
They cannot be pet,                                         
Or else you get wet.                                        
They're only good in your entrails.                         
                                                            
29349 GOURMETS - MEAT                Heather McCabe           



Man's mark on the world is indelible,                       
His works are simply incredible.                            
Imagine the verve,                                          
The audacious nerve,                                        
That found out that snails were edible!                     
                                                            
29350 GOURMETS - MEAT                Robert S Painter         



I hesitate to say "Anthropophagous".                        
I know that I'm Petey monophagous.                          
But if I must state                                         
Which part that I ate,                                      
Then really I am ophiophagous.                              
                                                            
29351 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



A diner in Kalamazoo,                                       
Served mice in their Mulligan stew.                         
To complaints, they said, "Chap,                            
Just fasten you trap,                                       
You'll love the rich taste when you chew."                  
                                                            
29352 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



There was a young woman named Tats,                         
Whose cooking was done in big vats.                         
When I went to her house,                                   
She fed me stewed mouse --                                  
Now I know why her friends are all cats.                    
                                                            
29353 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



An urchin who lived on the street,                          
Decided he needed a treat.                                  
He sneaked into a shop                                      
And stole a veal chop,                                      
While the butcher was beating his meat.                     
                                                            
29354 GOURMETS - MEAT                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



A lesbian frog said, "You see,                              
It's plain that we don't disagree.                          
We do taste like chicken,                                   
(My pulse starts to quicken)                                
And that's because we're vis-a-vis."                        
                                                            
29355 GOURMETS - MEAT                Al Willis           T9712



A hungry young thief name of Jake                           
Asked the judge if he'd give him a break.                   
Said the judge, "You must pay                               
For your crime -- choose the way."                          
So he asked to be tied to a steak.                          
                                                            
29356 GOURMETS - MEAT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2627



An edible glutinous type                                    
Of ruminant stomach, is tripe,                              
Which slippery-slips                                        
Down the gullet and grips                                   
One with painful abdominal gripe.                           
                                                            
29357 GOURMETS - MEAT                Peter Wilkins            



Announced on the menu, calves' liver                        
Seems bound to give some folks a shiver.                    
Not of lust but disgust                                     
And the chef they distrust;                                 
My palate with joy is aquiver.                              
                                                            
29358 GOURMETS - MEAT                Ulla                     



I, too, enjoy liver of calf,                                
If sliced very thinly in half;                              
But tend to be wary                                         
When offered the scary                                      
Equivalent part of giraffe.                                 
                                                            
29359 GOURMETS - MEAT                Peter Wilkins            



I also enjoy the pate,                                      
"It's LIVER, my friends cry, but hey!                       
I eat it up fried,                                          
With toast on the side.                                     
A great start, indeed, to the day.                          
                                                            
29360 GOURMETS - MEAT                Tychicus                 



It's over, I'm finished, I'm through,                       
Had mine, but your asking for two.                          
I am quiet satisfied,                                       
But I'll stay by your side                                  
As you eat one more bowl of that stew.                      
                                                            
29361 GOURMETS - MEAT                Bob Birch           P0207



An overweight vulture named Marion,                         
When others had eaten, would tarry on.                      
She was slow to embark,                                     
Which caused the remark,                                    
"Your excess baggage must be carrion."                      
                                                            
29362 GOURMETS - MEAT                Macsam                   



Meat sandwich I've got for your lunch;                      
Pickled onions as well for the crunch.                      
Will you please let me sit                                  
And watch for a bit,                                        
As you slowly and carefully munch?                          
                                                            
29363 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



The chef, a lubricious Ms Knox,                             
Served a dish, simmered bovid with lox,                     
That became so renowned,                                    
Men for miles around,                                       
Came to sample her well boiled ox.                          
                                                            
29364 GOURMETS - MEAT                Bob Giandomenico    P0311



A strange fact about Tony Gubber:                           
His fondness for eating whale blubber.                      
He starts off quite slow                                    
And then lets it go!                                        
And folks say, "Do I smell burnt rubber?"                   
                                                            
29365 GOURMETS - MEAT                Bill Wall                



I found out that nothing can beat                           
A generous portion of meat,                                 
Topped off with whipped cream;                              
It's the ultimate dream                                     
Of those chicks looking for a dutch treat.                  
                                                            
29366 GOURMETS - MEAT                                         



We're told to be discreet;                                  
Not devour animals when we eat.                             
I've never understood,                                      
If not meant for food,                                      
Why are they made out of meat?                              
(aplogies to Flanders and Swann)                            
29367 GOURMETS - MEAT                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady libertarian                          
Who eloped with a strick vegetarian.                        
But she said to him, "Sam,                                  
You know how I am --                                        
I'm afraid it's for meat that I'm marryin'."                
                                                            
29368 GOURMETS - MEAT                Neal Wilgus         P8203



There was a young woman named Nelly                         
Who fell in a vat of mint jelly.                            
Instead of escaping,                                        
She left the crownd gaping                                  
By ordering lamb from the deli.                             
                                                            
29369 GOURMETS - MEAT                Timothy Torkildson       



To get fish Poe went down to the shore,                     
But the fish did not bite any more.                         
So a raven he shot,                                         
Which he cooked in the pot                                  
Took one bite and he said, "Nevermore!"                     
                                                            
29370 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Albin Chaplin            



I had a big duck I'd abuse;                                 
I'd fill it with seminal juice.                             
At last it died, beaten,                                    
And now it's been eaten.                                    
Now that is a real good ex-goose.                           
                                                            
29371 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Tiddy                    



There was an Old Man of Peru,                               
Who watched his wife making a stew;                         
But once by mistake,                                        
In a stove she did bake                                     
His Peruvian "El Cockatoo."                                 
                                                            
29372 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Edwardian Leer 011       



I've got me a turkey. I say;                                
It's so fresh it keeps running away.                        
I keep shoving it back                                      
In the oven; alack                                          
And alas, it refuses to stay.                               
                                                            
29373 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



Last night for example I rammed                             
It head-first in the oven and slammed                       
The door shut on its neck,                                  
But it gave me a peck                                       
In the trouser department, be damned!                       
                                                            
29374 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



Bent double I muttered and swore                            
As it forcefully opened the door.                           
"Gobble gobble", it said                                    
As it strutted and fled,                                    
Leaving feathers all over the floor.                        
                                                            
29375 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



Regaining composure I chased                                
It; upstairs to the bedroom I raced.                        
But it squawked as it flew                                  
Through the door to the loo,                                
Where the carpet it fowl-y defaced.                         
                                                            
29376 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



And then like greased lightning it sped                     
Down the stairway just inches ahead                         
Of me, looking absurd;                                      
But I'll get that old bird                                  
For I've planned a new tactic instead.                      
                                                            
29377 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



I'll treat it with kindness, by 'eck;                       
Even pet it and give it a peck,                             
Smooth its feathers and fluff                               
'Til it's sleepy enough ...                                 
Then I'll strangle its scraggy old neck.                    
                                                            
29378 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



This morning I gave it a feed                               
Of its favourite mixture of seed.                           
Though it looked rather puzzled                             
I stroked it and nuzzled                                    
It hoping my plan would succeed.                            
                                                            
29379 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



It did for I lulled it to sleep;                            
Quite unconscious it fell in a heap.                        
I extended its neck                                         
Flexed my fingers ... but heck                              
I couldn't do it; I felt such a creep.                      
                                                            
29380 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



I let it sleep on. As it snored                             
I decided to christen it Claude.                            
(But I've got in my freezer                                 
His sister Louisa;                                          
It's time she came out to be thawed.)                       
                                                            
29381 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL                                  



Barbeque lovers have come to know                           
They've a choice of a new way to go.                        
When they can't get first dibs                              
On the chicken or ribs,                                     
Their alternative is to eat crow.                           
                                                            
29382 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



"Oh good," said the dumb little chickens,                   
"We hear we're the very best pickin's."                     
But when they were chosen,                                  
They ended up frozen,                                       
And later became finger-lickin's.                           
                                                            
29383 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



When the sidewalk cafe at Colmar                            
Introduced 'Poulet a la Jaguar'                             
Patrons groused, "It tastes flat."                          
"Oui," blabbed the chef's brat.                             
"Dad ran down the hens with his car."                       
                                                            
29384 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         A. N. Wilkins       P9203



Drumsticks are fine, but the breast                         
Tastes good with some gravy; that's best.                   
Top it off with some pie.                                   
Gaining weight? Just deny,                                  
And after the dinner we rest!                               
                                                            
29385 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Al Willis           T9711



A gourmet from old Albuquerque                              
Had an id quintessentially quirky.                          
On a dish he'd recline                                      
With his legs bound in twine,                               
And have himself stuffed like a turkey!                     
                                                            
29386 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Jim Weaver Collection    



I know what I want for my present!                          
It's to watch Santa Claus fuck a pheasant!                  
Then cook it for lunch,                                     
And I have a hunch                                          
That the stuffing would taste sort of pleasant.             
                                                            
29387 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Prince Eaglehead    T9712



Touching her breast with a sigh,                            
He drooled as he kneaded her thigh...                       
Her slit was all wet                                        
The moment was set.                                         
He uttered a wild, joyous cry.                              
                                                            
29388 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Jim Weaver Collection    



Inside the hole it was murky,                               
But the flesh all around pink and perky...                  
He rolled up his sleeve                                     
And said, "I believe                                        
She's ready! I'll now stuff my turkey!"                     
                                                            
29389 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Jim Weaver Collection    



From the oven the turkey did shoot,                         
And took to the air with a loop.                            
All the plates it did brake,                                
And a chair devastate,                                      
As into the corner it did scoot.                            
                                                            
29390 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Jim Weaver Collection    



There it burst with a deafening roar,                       
And completely coated the floor.                            
The ceiling, windows and walls                              
The dishes, fridge and the halls;                           
There was turkey where there's no turkey before.            
                                                            
29391 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Jim Weaver Collection    



With displeasure I scraped and I mopped                     
At all the things that had gone plop.                       
And thought with chagrin                                    
That never again,                                           
Would I stuff with popcorn not popped.                      
                                                            
29392 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Jim Weaver Collection    



You sure eat the strangest of things;                       
Would you like to try something with wings?                 
A pigeon or two                                             
Would make a nice stew,                                     
And be a meal worthy of Kings!                              
                                                            
29393 GOURMETS - MEAT - FOWL         Mushroom                 



Try crocodile soup, nothin's greater,                       
Far better than leek and potater.                           
First, get a big pan,                                       
Then, quick as you can,                                     
Go catch you a big alligator.                               
                                                            
29394 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME                                  



Last night I ate a wild gnu,                                
And boy, was I glad to be through.                          
Never again shall I feast                                   
On broiled wildebeeste;                                     
He really was tough as a shoe.                              
                                                            
29395 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Bill                     



We were housed with the ANZACS a week,                      
And the food they prepared was unique.                      
The meat you could chew                                     
Was like roast kangaroo,                                    
And they served it with bubble and squeak.                  
(bubble and squeak - misc vegetable stew)                   
29396 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         A. N. Wilkins       P8611



There was a young man of Calais                             
Who considered himself a gourmet,                           
Eating crocodile roast,                                     
Or flies' eggs on toast --                                  
His sex life was more recherche.                            
(recherche - lavishly elegant)                              
29397 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME                             G1490



On a visit to southeast Peru,                               
I stumbled upon a Gnu.                                      
With a chop and a slice,                                    
He was really quite nice,                                   
And he made the most wonderful stew.                        
                                                            
29398 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Angel                    



Cor blimy!  Bloody Hell!  Crikey!                           
That hedgehog pie weren't half spikey.                      
My wife is a slut,                                          
'Cause its hurting me gut.                                  
My shit'll be black, more than likely.                      
                                                            
29399 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Anon                     



A polite little man from Peru                               
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.                     
He continued to sup,                                        
Ate it quietly up,                                          
And not a soul else ever knew!                              
                                                            
29400 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Laurence Perrine    P8505



A Neanderthal cave man named Neal                           
Set out on a search for a meal;                             
He captured a beast,                                        
Dragged it home for a feast,                                
Which he ate with primordial zeal.                          
                                                            
29401 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Cap'n Bean          P0204



The rabbit made wonderful pie,                              
And was eaten by my sisters and I.                          
The leftovers will do                                       
For a nice meaty stew,                                      
Or maybe a little stir-fry.                                 
                                                            
29402 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Funny Bone               



Was the rabbit all juicy and fat?                           
Or was it all stringy and flat?                             
As you like to eat pets,                                    
I'd like to place bets,                                     
That you wouldn't eat your pet cat!                         
                                                            
29403 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Mushroom                 



There was an Old Person whose habits,                       
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;                           
When he'd eaten eighteen                                    
He turned perfectly green,                                  
Upon which he relinquished those habits.                    
                                                            
29404 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Jim Weaver Collection    



An old Chinaman name of Wong                                
Liked his chopsticks uncommonly strong.                     
He would use them as truncheons                             
On rats for his luncheons,                                  
And bring a good soy sauce along.                           
                                                            
29405 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Don Moore           P9212



West Virginia has passed a new law:                         
If you hit it, it's yours, hurrah!                          
Cook it all day,                                            
Any old way;                                                
Just soft, they've no teeth in their jaw.                   
                                                            
29406 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Karen                    



A trapper from 'round Hudson Bay                            
Would dine on fat seal and dry hay.                         
We once tracked him down                                    
From snowbanks stained brown;                               
His farts froze and frosted the way.                        
                                                            
29407 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         H Welchel                



When we came acrosss a toe-stubber,                         
We'd check if it came from Old Clubber.                     
The yellow ice spikes,                                      
He'd leave on his hikes,                                    
Would taste just like fodder and blubber.                   
                                                            
29408 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         H Welchel                



The bear in the back room is wormy.                         
He's getting all stinky and squirmy.                        
So I'm reading a book                                       
About how to cook,                                          
And another about taxidermy.                                
                                                            
29409 GOURMETS - MEAT - GAME         Judson Jerome       P8804



Amazingly, antelope stew                                    
Is supposedly better for you,                               
Than a goulash of rat                                       
Or Hungarian cat;                                           
I guess that you already knew.                              
                                                            
29410 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Peter Wilkins            



As a lark's tongue will help you to sing,                   
That antelope stew makes you spring.                        
And if you decide                                           
On a bit on the side,                                       
The monkey glands may help you swing.                       
                                                            
29411 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Tiddy                    



I'm making a pie, all from scratch.                         
The fillings whatever I catch,                              
With help from the cat:                                     
A bird or a bat,                                            
And maybe some fur from its snatch.                         
                                                            
29412 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS                                  



You need any help with the dough?                           
Just press this way and like so.                            
Roll it out flat                                            
On a large pastry mat,                                      
Then add pussy leavings and go!                             
                                                            
29413 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS                                  



The shortening is always a bitch.                           
It's always the crust-kneading hitch.                       
Lard is too porky,                                          
Spunk is too dorky,                                         
So maybe some cunt-grease be rich!                          
                                                            
29414 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS                                  



An epicure living at Gratz,                                 
Was exceedingly partial to cats.                            
He relished them toasted,                                   
Or boiled, baked, or roasted,                               
Or thoroughly stewed in old hats.                           
                                                            
29415 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Langford Reed            



This old cat -- I couldn't abide her.                       
Then one day I had too much cider --                        
I chased her, by heck,                                      
Then I wrung her neck --                                    
Then dipped her in batter and fried her!                    
                                                            
29416 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Kaylin                   



I'm too in the cat eating school;                           
Just the thought of the beasts make me drool.               
With contented sigh,                                        
I'll down kitten pie,                                       
With a pint of strong ale as a rule.                        
                                                            
29417 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Tiddy Ogg                



Cats taste like frog, I would say                           
In butter and garlic saute.                                 
Then lemon -- a squirt                                      
With greens and dessert,                                    
A tasty raspberry sorbe.                                    
                                                            
29418 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Kaylin                   



Whoever it was, was mistaken;                               
When fried with a small strip of bacon,                     
Cats taste more like rabbit,                                
To those in the habit                                       
Of eating small game when they waken.                       
                                                            
29419 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Kaylin                   



Polacks chased a Newfie to make stew of him.                
To do this they had a great crew of them.                   
They back, later straggled,                                 
Bloody, beaten, bedraggled,                                 
And said, "It's not fair, there were two of them."          
(I assume a Newfoundland dog? - McW)                        
29420 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         VOL 11                   



Yes, put on your very best finery                           
And go out and dine in a winery.                            
I shall don my old togs,                                    
Share a bone with the dogs,                                 
Trading tales with the wags of caninery.                    
                                                            
29421 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Laurence Perrine    P8307



There once was a woman named Yannish,                       
Who vowed to eat food solely Spanish.                       
And though no one had heard                                 
Of her breaking her word,                                   
Chihuahuas occasionally vanish!                             
                                                            
29422 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Tillmanator              



A blind chef whose roast did meow,                          
Determined the meat was no cow.                             
He said "I see that                                         
It's a burned puttycat;                                     
I must suffer through succotash now."                       
                                                            
29423 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Ryan Waldron             



George is a blithering pratt.                               
His hair's like a sheeps wooly hat.                         
He'll do him self harm                                      
By waving his arm.                                          
I think I'll feed him to my cat.                            
                                                            
29424 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Anon                     



I don't eat food sponsored by dogs;                         
I don't think it's from cows or hogs.                       
It's probably cat,                                          
('Cause dogs would love that)                               
Besides it does not smell like frogs.                       
                                                            
29425 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS                                  



We know an old fellow named Jarrott                         
Who barbecued part of a parrot.                             
Poll's crackers and cheese                                  
He then mixed with peas                                     
And invited his friends in to share it.                     
                                                            
29426 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Calvin R. Openshaw  P8210



If kosher you're going to be,                               
The pot bellied pig must go free.                           
No tasting of pork;                                         
Put down that fork.                                         
The pig will be happy, you see!                             
                                                            
29427 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Maggie                   



Here's some hair-of-the-dog to revive you;                  
Puppy stew would be splendid in my view.                    
I will cook him in sauce,                                   
If some salad you'll toss;                                  
We should have it with wine.  Will rose' do?                
                                                            
29428 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Michelle                 



Puppy stew?  That calls for champagne!                      
I could eat that again and again.                           
What goes nicely with that                                  
Is some nicely grilled cat,                                 
And a soupcon of hamster's fried brain.                     
                                                            
29429 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Michelle                 



A candle-light dinner for two!                              
Pup and pussy, and rodent-brains too!                       
All this cholesterol,                                       
Chased with good alcohol;                                   
Aphrodisiacs all. I thank you!                              
                                                            
29430 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Allen Wolverton          



I'm partial to eating cat meat;                             
It's best when the cat is in heat.                          
The fur is a pain,                                          
But now and again,                                          
It does make it taste rather sweet.                         
                                                            
29431 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS                                  



In some lands they have the strange habit:                  
If food's passing by, then they grab it.                    
They trim off the fat                                       
And serve you up cat,                                       
But it says on the menu, "Roof Rabbit."                     
                                                            
29432 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Spru                     



Christmas is coming, the goose isn't fat.                   
The poor old farmers are the cause of that.                 
Bird's getting thinner;                                     
None for our dinnner.                                       
We've no choice, we must eat the cat.                       
                                                            
29433 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Tony Burrell             



It's true. When I saw the dead terrier,                     
My impulse, at first, was to bury her.                      
But somehow I feel                                          
That she'd make a good meal                                 
If I'd properly season and sherry her.                      
                                                            
29434 GOURMETS - MEAT - PETS         Anon                     



While it's true that Attila the Hun                         
Rated maiming and killing as fun,                           
Did he have to appall                                       
All of civilized Gaul,                                      
Eating liverwurst cooked underdone?                         
                                                            
29435 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Cyber Geezer             



There once was a vicar from Bude                            
Whose manners at table were rude.                           
It wasn't the noise                                         
As he ate saveloys,                                         
But the way that he sat on his food.                        
(saveloys - spiced sausages sold ready to eat)              
29436 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Michael Palin            



One end of the sausage, so neat,                            
Was filled not with pork, but with wheat.                   
Said the butchering guy,                                    
"With my costs so high,                                     
It's hard, sir, to make both ends meat!"                    
                                                            
29437 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Hugh H. Hanlon      P9208



A seller of hot dogs was spied                              
By a Buddhist who happily cried,                            
"Make me one, if you please,                                
With everything -- cheese,                                  
And some onions, and slaw on the side                       
                                                            
29438 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Norm Storer         P9606



Fine meats had the butcher of Brest                         
And buyers were duly impressed.                             
But the ladies confessed                                    
They were mostly obsessed                                   
With his wurst which they found to be best.                 
                                                            
29439 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2467



Contravening the guidelines on health,                      
Butcher Frank likes exposing himself,                       
But he hides it away                                        
In the sausage display,                                     
When young ladies come up to the shelf.                     
                                                            
29440 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Peter Wilkins            



"On offer, dear ladies, there's rump                        
Steak or sausages plump.                                    
Be my guest; when they're pressed,                          
You can tell they're the best."                             
And he grins as they fondle his pump.                       
                                                            
29441 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE                               



Then Bob, the sausage inspector,                            
Came in with a meat detector.                               
Hey, this one's not real!                                   
Yes it is, have a feel,                                     
Frank smiled as he grew erector.                            
                                                            
29442 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE                               



Homophobic old Pastor McPhee                                
Posed as strange a sight as one could see.                  
He appeared quite agog                                      
When he'd eat a hot dog,                                    
Which he did from the side, centrally.                      
                                                            
29443 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      L C Fitz            P0209



And as for that sausage you've grilled,                     
The way that you did it just thrilled                       
My entire frame;                                            
Your oven's hot flame                                       
Has taken me quite far from 'chilled.'                      
                                                            
29444 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE                               



A lady from Kalamazoo                                       
Gave her pets hot vindaloo.                                 
Now the cat is dead --                                      
It exploded when fed,                                       
And the dog can't stay out of the loo.                      
(vindaloo - highly spiced meat in wine and garlic sauce)    
29445 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Funfax Limericks         



The triumph might feel bitter-sweet                         
When they managed a sausage based treat;                    
With lard and soy flour                                     
Came their finest hour,                                     
They pretended to make both ends meet.                      
                                                            
29446 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Bill Backe-Hansen   P8901



Rachel sold many hot dogs that day,                         
But when asked by a man, "I say...                          
Have you condiments, Dear?"                                 
She replied, "No, not here."                                
And blushing, she sent him away.                            
                                                            
29447 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Sal R                    



A certain young gourmet from Crediton,                      
Took some pate de foie gras and spread it on                
A chocolate biscuit,                                        
Then murmured, "I'll risk it."                              
His tomb bears the date that he said it on.                 
                                                            
29448 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE      Rev. Charles Inge        



A weenie-roast!  That sound's like fun.                     
I'll go get the mustard and bun.                            
I like mine well cooked,                                    
But last time I looked                                      
I thought it might be too well done.                        
                                                            
29449 GOURMETS - MEAT - SAUSAGE                               



From Rectum-on-Pot in West Bum                              
All sorts of wild rumors have come:                         
Limp-peckered old fools                                     
Have cut off their dead tools,                              
And already have barbequed some!                            
                                                            
29450 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL                           G1518



Here's the sad tale of foolish young Post,                  
Who cut off his manhood to roast.                           
Said he, "Though it's tasty,                                
Perhaps I was hasty --                                      
It's the slice I'll be missing the most."                   
                                                            
29451 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL                           G1510



There once was a drunk lad named Marvin,                    
Who thought his big dick was for carvin'.                   
He tried to cut slices                                      
Of "Turkey with spices",                                    
And left all his dinner guests starvin'.                    
                                                            
29452 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Pablo Zum          TP9807



The things that are eaten by Hy,                            
Do not include ice cream or pie.                            
But don't knock his diet;                                   
At least 'till you try it.                                  
He often eats down at the "Y".                              
                                                            
29453 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Pierce Evans             



Said a canny young housewife named Joan,                    
"It is one of the cheapest meats known:                     
A lean horse's prick                                        
Might make you feel sick,                                   
But you don't have to pay for the bone."                    
                                                            
29454 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Armand E Singer       258



In the Army, on Saturday night,                             
The meal was revolting, a mite.                             
It was called "donkey dick";                                
Some soldiers got sick.                                     
At the least, it killed my appetite.                        
                                                            
29455 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL                                



In spring, in a ranching society,                           
The ranchers cut calves with propriety,                     
And then folks are fed                                      
At a bountiful spread                                       
Of oysters, the mountain variety.                           
                                                            
29456 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



In a meat plant a butcher named Nick                        
Introduced a cost-saving plan slick:                        
A new hot dog treat,                                        
More taste and less meat,                                   
Which he found after sucking a prick.                       
                                                            
29457 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Albin Chaplin   3024-1281



Please, sweetheart, come here -- kiss my lips --            
And bring those electrical clips.                           
We'll hook up your knob,                                    
Which can do the job,                                       
Of frying up my fish and chips.                             
                                                            
29458 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL                                



There was a young lady called Maryanne,                     
Who started to cook vegetarian.                             
But her family said "Meat                                   
Is what we want to eat,                                     
Or here we will not be tarryin'."                           
                                                            
29459 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Kaylin                   



They found her and the guy down the street --               
With her head in his lap, in great heat.                    
They said, in shock, very,                                  
"What are you doing, Mary?" --                              
She said, "You told me to eat meat!"                        
                                                            
29460 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Kaylin                   



A huntress by the name of Amy                               
Liked her meat both cooked and gamey.                       
What she preferred raw                                      
Is something you saw                                        
In Pompeii, city of infamy.                                 
                                                            
29461 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Macsam                   



"I'll serve you a franfurter, ma'am --                      
But not all are made out of ham.                            
If you bite into veins,                                     
You'll have chewed the remains                              
Of the penis of my cousin Sam."                             
                                                            
29462 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Dick Potts          P8511



In Bama, 'sweet-breads', bless our souls,                   
Is cow parts men eat from hot bowls;                        
But women eat balls                                         
Of bulls in hot stalls;                                     
I know they call bull balls 'sweet-rolls.'                  
                                                            
29463 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL                                



The strangest thing I ever saw                              
Was a cafe in St. Stanislaw;                                
They served corndog pups                                    
In big paper cups,                                          
With turkeys that danced in the straw.                      
                                                            
29464 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Travis Brasell           



The aroma of well-heated stew                               
Was praised by the head of the zoo.                         
He fished from the back,                                    
The balls of a yak,                                         
And also a phallus or two.                                  
                                                            
29465 GOURMETS - MEAT - SEXUAL       Albin Chaplin   3024-1298



The great photography scam,                                 
Involved selling pictures of Spam.                          
With an airbrush or two,                                    
The pink, sticky goo,                                       
Could easily pass for a ham.                                
                                                            
29466 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Anon                     



"The stomach," said Napoleon                                
"Is what an army travels on."                               
Where else to put the blame                                 
When Moscow's winter came,                                  
They found that all their Spam was gone.                    
                                                            
29467 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Irving Superior     P9610



There once was a penniless man,                             
Who decided that veggies were bland.                        
So he blended three mice,                                   
With a small hint of spice,                                 
And thus was born glorious Spam!                            
                                                            
29468 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Anon                     



Justin Wilson won't do Leg of Lamb.                         
"I'm a Cajun cook, that's all I am,                         
And I'm lookin' to tipple                                   
A bottle of Ripple                                          
With my crawdads, my onions, and Spam.                      
                                                            
29469 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9610



There once was a man from New York,                         
Who tired of regular pork.                                  
To the market he went;                                      
Not much money he spent                                     
For some Spam and a chrome-plated fork.                     
                                                            
29470 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Earl Kwak                



Spam for dinner they say is quite nice,                     
But use caution and heed this advice;                       
It's made from pigs' asses,                                 
Including the gasses,                                       
So I sure wouldn't order it twice.                          
                                                            
29471 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Kent B. Hake        P9610



"I won't come," said the old sow to Hormel.                 
"I don't like to dress so informal.                         
And as for flesh pink,                                      
I think it's a stink.                                       
It's hardly 'de trop' or quite normal."                     
(regarding SPAM)                                            
29472 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



On last Easter we had to say, "Damn!"                       
And to substitute a baked "Whole Ham."                      
Family anger I earned                                       
when the entree I burned,                                   
Our tradition at Easter is Spam.                            
                                                            
29473 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9610



I just dined with the King of Siam                          
At my house and he said to me, "Sam                         
I could eat a Big Mac                                       
Or even boiled yak,                                         
And I knew you were cheap, but why Spam?                    
                                                            
29474 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Al Willis           P9610



A poor lonely butcher from Flamm                            
Was humping a cold can of Spam.                             
He said with a spasm                                        
On his second orgasm,                                       
"I just can't afford a good ham!"                           
                                                            
29475 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM                                  



When they dated, she made rack of lamb;                     
Gourmet dishes were part of her scam.                       
After she set the hook,                                     
Her prime recipe book                                       
Was The Joy Of Fast Cooking With Spam.                      
                                                            
29476 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         William N. Nesbit   P9610



"Observe this pink SPAM," said John Cho,                    
"Which though apparently solid, can flow,                   
Especially when old                                         
In a flexible mold;                                         
An experiment I'd rather forego."                           
                                                            
29477 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



Now Spam's an incredible thing.                             
Not only to ribs does it cling;                             
I fed it to Mary,                                           
My lovely canary,                                           
Who gagged while attempting to sing!                        
                                                            
29478 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mark Levy           P9610



The knees of gnats. Of newts, a gram.                       
Of clots, of eyeballs, a half a dram.                       
Mix well in pot.                                            
"Ach Liebergott!"                                           
The Germans who invented Spam.                              
                                                            
29479 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Irving Superior     P9610



A Pentagon note:--Do not pamper                             
Our men in the field. Do not tamper                         
With diets that might                                       
Make them hate to fight.                                    
For dinner one fresh can of Spam per.                       
                                                            
29480 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Irving Superior     P9610



At the Gates, St. Peter said, "Sam                          
They tell me you always served Spam.                        
You displease me beaucoup,                                  
And I know what I'll do.                                    
I will send you to Hell, so now scram."                     
                                                            
29481 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Al Willis           P9610



Has anyone here tasted SPAM?                                
It's Hormel's concoction: spiced ham.                       
Don't knock or deride it                                    
Until you have tried it;                                    
You just might get hooked, as I am.                         
                                                            
29482 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM                                  



This alternate lunchable meat                               
Is quite an enjoyable treat.                                
So fry up a slice,                                          
It tastes rather nice,                                      
On rye bread, or maybe whole wheat.                         
                                                            
29483 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM                                  



There once was a man named Sam,                             
Who never could get any clam.                               
To prove he's a man,                                        
He opened a can,                                            
And then stuck his dick in the spam.                        
                                                            
29484 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Jim Weaver Collection    



An old lady from far Guadeloupe                             
Complained of SPAM in her soup.                             
"Do you want," said the waiter,                             
"Some more alligator                                        
Or more fresh hippopotamous poop?"                          
                                                            
29485 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



Those people who put jam or jelly on                        
Their toast think that we are Orwellian.                    
But although we're more equal,                              
And eat toast, SPAM, and treacle,                           
The word we'd prefer is Hormelian.                          
(Hormel is the company making SPAM)                         
29486 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Barrie Collins           



A hungry young fellow named Marvin                          
Sat dreaming of turkeys and carvin'.                        
So a lady brought Spam,                                     
But he said, "Thank you, ma'am;                             
I prefer the alternative: starvin'."                        
                                                            
29487 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Cybergeezer              



An endearing young ostrich named Lou                        
Once laid an egg lopsided and skew.                         
When viewed from within,                                    
One could see a blue tin,                                   
Though how it got there, no one knew.                       
                                                            
29488 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



Julia Child once eschewed Rack of Lamb                      
Saying, "I may be wrong, fool I am.                         
But I'm searching you know                                  
For the perfect Bordeaux,                                   
To wed smoothly my truffles and SPAM.                       
                                                            
29489 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Jim Weaver Collection    



It's gelid and squishy and pink,                            
And, good Lord, it might learn to think,                    
If with great resolve,                                      
It was left to evolve                                       
For ten minutes under the sink.                             
                                                            
29490 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         J B Zimmerman            



There once was a little lamb,                               
Who liked to eat lots of jam.                               
With some research work,                                    
He joined jam with spare pork,                              
And so he came up with SPAM.                                
                                                            
29491 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Andrew Wiseman           



GI's swore that it was a scam;                              
That the victim was old Uncle Sam;                          
That some son of a bitch                                    
Is now filthy rich,                                         
From making the army eat Spam                               
                                                            
29492 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         A N Wilkins         P8901



A dumb backward cook said, "Perhaps                         
I can lift myself by my boot straps."                       
Her boss said, "A Tony,                                     
You get no baloney;                                         
I'll fix you a sandwich of mapS.                            
                                                            
29493 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Tom Patton          P9610



The soldiers when first eating Spam,                        
Kept looking for some bits of ham--                         
The Spam/Ham sound--                                        
But all that they found                                     
Were bits of both scam and of sham.                         
                                                            
29494 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Irving Superior     P9610



When you told me you know how to bake,                      
I envisioned a roast or a cake.                             
With that bod like Raquel's                                 
I could hear wedding bells,                                 
But SPAM! You can jump in the lake.                         
                                                            
29495 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Al Willis           P9610



The snorting of piglets most rank,                          
Rises up from the processing tank.                          
One by one, they squeal out                                 
As Hormel harvests their snout,                             
To put in the blue tin "pig bank."                          
                                                            
29496 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         J B Zimmerman            



"For World War Three, we're making Sclam,                   
But unlike War Two's Spam/Ham sham.                         
Inside each hundredth tin                                   
We'll put a whole clam in.                                  
Good luck to you all. Yours, Uncle Sam.                     
                                                            
29497 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Irving Superior     P9610



There once was a desolate ham,                              
Whose existence was only a sham.                            
One day to his muck                                         
Came a slaughterhouse truck.                                
The rest can be read on canned SPAM.                        
                                                            
29498 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Reber Clark              



To honor the Spam theme I got                               
A can of and ate it, and thought--                          
I'm back fifty years,                                       
My youth reappears,                                         
So fifty more cans of, I bought.                            
                                                            
29499 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Irving Superior     P9610



While dining on roadkill and rabbits,                       
And scraping off wandering maggots,                         
The man from Down Under                                     
Said, "SPAM makes me chunder;                               
It shrivels the hair in my armpits."                        
(chunder - australian slang for vomit)                      
29500 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM                                  



A fat girl, an upstate New Yorker,                          
Thought she was some kind of corker.                        
She gave not a damn;                                        
She ate only Spam;                                          
Grew bristles and smelled like a porker.                    
                                                            
29501 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Tom Patton          P9610



While others will Spam now address,                         
We should not forget S.O.S.                                 
It came on a shingle.                                       
On top of, they'd mingle                                    
Those items in Spam, they'd repress.                        
                                                            
29502 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Irving Superior     P9610



One thing about Spam which is great,                        
Is the interesting sound it creates:                        
Like the post-supper burp                                   
Or the mucousy slurp                                        
When you empty the can on a plate.                          
                                                            
29503 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Sam Mahmoud              



Twenty-five piglets per hour                                
Times Spam to the seventeenth power                         
In whatever equation,                                       
Is an abomination                                           
And from ten feet makes my milk go sour.                    
                                                            
29504 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         J B Zimmerman            



I just dined in downtown Manhattan,                         
On filet de SPAM, served au gratin,                         
Which the matre d' swore                                    
Had drifted to shore                                        
From a boat from the isle they call Staten.                 
                                                            
29505 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Barrie Collins           



"Yon haggis Ah can nae mair stomach,                        
So Ah'll tak tae the road with ma crummock!"                
Cried Dougal MacPherson                                     
(A Scottish-type person)                                    
As he sat, eating SPAM, on a hummock.                       
(crummock - staff with crooked head)                        
29506 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Barrie Collins           



When I eat SPAM Bolognese,                                  
My eyes become misty and glazy.                             
But most chefs are truculent                                
To make me this succulent                                   
Dish--they all think I am crazy!                            
                                                            
29507 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Barrie Collins           



There once was a pig of Orsay,                              
What smelled an unusual way.                                
It was sort of like ham,                                    
But more likely 'twas SPAM,                                 
By its fat-laden feel and bouquet.                          
                                                            
29508 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Reber Clark              



Cold SPAM. served with couscous and dates,                  
Is a no-no in all Arab states,                              
All because of some talk,                                   
That it does contain pork,                                  
As the side of the can tabulates.                           
                                                            
29509 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Barrie Collins           



My taco is chock full of lunchmeat,                         
With hog ears and nostrils and cow's feet.                  
But for SPAM all alone,                                     
With its gristle and bone,                                  
Is more my idea of a dog treat.                             
                                                            
29510 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Bill Mahoney             



"Mind your head," said Old Mother Riley,                    
"There's a SPAM on the roof that's quite oily.              
It's dripping its fat                                       
On my best table mat,                                       
And making a mess green and biley."                         
                                                            
29511 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



There once was a guy from Japan,                            
Who fell in love with a blue can.                           
He started to use                                           
The Web for haikus                                          
And attracted many a fan.                                   
(SPAM comes in a blue can)                                  
29512 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Bob Roberds              



There once was a lunch meat called Spam;                    
They say it is something like ham.                          
But it's covered in gel                                     
And it's easy to tell                                       
There's too many nitrates per gram!                         
                                                            
29513 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Starfish                 



"Good Lord!" said the sanitary man,                         
"There's a SPAM in the lavatory pan.                        
Someone's thrown it in there                                
In a fit of dispair,                                        
After opening the little blue can."                         
                                                            
29514 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



"Don't cry, little SPAM," said Big Brother.                 
"I know we've just eaten your mother.                       
But it's not long to wait                                   
Before you're on the plate,                                 
With two slices of white bread and butter."                 
                                                            
29515 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



For breakfast I'd rather have toad sweat,                   
Or pickled remains of some house pet,                       
That pull out a can                                         
Of leftover SPAM,                                           
And wind up bent over the toilet.                           
                                                            
29516 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Bill Mahoney             



There was an old lady from Norwich,                         
Who told us, while eating her porridge,                     
"Putting SPAM on your cereal                                
Makes it much more ethereal;                                
A condition I always encourage.                             
                                                            
29517 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Barrie Collins           



There once was a can full of mayhem,                        
With chunks of white grease and some cat phlegm.            
But try as you might,                                       
To cut Spam slices right,                                   
It is often much harder to chew 'em.                        
                                                            
29518 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Bill Mahoney             



The SPAM-mobile used by Lake Speed,                         
It's hoped, will atract a new breed                         
Of good-ol'-boy fans,                                       
Who will rush to buy cans;                                  
Whether or not there's a need.                              
                                                            
29519 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Barrie Collins           



An ignorant fat glutton from Cork,                          
Was unable to tell mutton from pork.                        
Yet he'd recognize SPAM                                     
Being quite unlike ham,                                     
Or anything else on his fork.                               
                                                            
29520 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



"Have some SPAM?" said the model from Bude.                 
"I know it's embarrassingly nude,                           
But clothed in it's tin,                                    
I feel sure it's no sin,                                    
Just, maybe, a sneaky bit rude.                             
                                                            
29521 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



In trying indelicate meats,                                 
From alleys and rivers and streets,                         
I've found with alarm,                                      
That I can't come to harm,                                  
While munching SPAM in between treats.                      
                                                            
29522 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Reber Clark              



Eat slowly, take care not to gobble,                        
Or your front teeth will fall out or wobble.                
If it's SPAM you're to eat,                                 
The trick is to cheat,                                      
And spit it outside on the cobble.                          
                                                            
29523 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mike O'Conner            



Eating SPAM on the porch in the nude,                       
Was a habit the neighbors thought lewd.                     
But when he donned clothing                                 
They didn't stop loathing;                                  
'Twas the sight of the SPAM they eschewed.                  
                                                            
29524 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Gordon Peery             



From dark corners of mystic Siam                            
Came a Swami they called, the "I AM".                       
"Thou shalt nots" he'd repeat                               
And proscribe eating meat.                                  
In his closet though, he'd wolf down Spam.                  
                                                            
29525 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9610



A woman by the name of Kelly                                
Used Spam instead of K-Y Jelly.                             
She finally gave birth;                                     
To a boy of great girth,                                    
With a tattoo, "Hormel"  on his belly.                      
                                                            
29526 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Tom Patton          P9610



I would never cook Spam in a pan,                           
Too much heat would annul my swell plan;                    
Oh, good heavens above,                                     
Body temp's what I love;                                    
Juicy pork in a tight-fitting can!                          
                                                            
29527 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mark Levy           P9610



"Just try my cuisine, dear madame.                          
It's chicken croquettes, stuffed with Spam."                
Her id, overheating;                                        
She ne'er felt like eating,                                 
And she said, "Check out this bearded clam."                
                                                            
29528 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Al Willis           P9610



While grouting a tiled tub enclosure,                       
Ben ran out -- almost lost his composure.                   
In the lunch his wife made                                  
Of yogurt, Spam, marmalade,                                 
'Twas the answer, albeit not kosher.                        
                                                            
29529 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Bedford                  



In a hamlet in South Vietnam,                               
Lived some ladies and ther madam.                           
They were cheap and quite easy,                             
But often were greasy.                                      
They took as their payment canned Spam.                     
                                                            
29530 GOURMETS - MEAT - SPAM         Mark Amos                



There once was a girl called Lottie                         
Who developed a really hot body.                            
She had chili for dinner                                    
and once it was in 'er,                                     
It came out of the end rather hottie!                       
                                                            
29531 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



In Shreveport they make a fine stew,                        
A cultural dish, it is true.                                
They cook up roadkill,                                      
With a sprinkling of dill;                                  
It's Chili con Carnage to you.                              
                                                            
29532 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             TuttaOgnioia             



Chili will do it for me.                                    
If I ever need help, for you see                            
If my mood isn't right                                      
When I take the first bite,                                 
When I finish the chili, it will be.                        
                                                            
29533 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



It winds up the imagination                                 
With that wonderful fiery sensation.                        
It heats up the blood                                       
To a fever-pitch flood,                                     
But beware that old devil capsaicin.                        
                                                            
29534 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



If you must handle raw chili pepper,                        
Then take off your gloves 'fore you pet her.                
For the hot chili oils                                      
Will make her feel boils,                                   
And will ruin the feel of her sweater.                      
                                                            
29535 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



For Spanish tortilla to be real,                            
We need two big spuds to peel.                              
I'll crack the eggs,                                        
Those 'tween your legs,                                     
Then we'll cook ourselves a good meal.                      
                                                            
29536 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



One dork, resident of Malpitas,                             
Attracted by las senoritas,                                 
Had a passion for rape                                      
'Till he was left to gape                                   
At what one of them turned to fajitas.                      
                                                            
29537 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



Your taco is more in my line;                               
Its filling is pleasure for mine.                           
But with chili or not,                                      
That taco you've got,                                       
I'll fill it with fresh meat divine.                        
                                                            
29538 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Archie                   



I had chilli-con-carne today                                
With onions and beans and I'd say,                          
Though you might delight,                                   
I'm rather a fright                                         
To my friends: they move out of my way!                     
                                                            
29539 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



Tonight, softly whispering "pooof",                         
Gentle breezes, uplifting the roof,                         
Are my terror and fright;                                   
If someone gives a light,                                   
I'll be certainly going "Kerwooof"!                         
                                                            
29540 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



Though long by the griddle, I linga'                        
And practice with palm, thumb, and finga'.                  
My tortillas aren't round,                                  
Each weighs half a pound;                                   
Well, what'd you expect from a gringa?                      
                                                            
29541 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Merriam             T9801



This rhyme may seem rather silly,                           
But take a young crocodilly,                                
Fry him with rice                                           
Some beans, herbs, and spice,                               
And you'll have a fine 'gator chili.                        
                                                            
29542 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             TuttaOgioia              



When I eat spicy Mexican food                               
That isn't too terribly good,                               
It gives me that wind                                       
That blows from within.                                     
I release anywhere, I'm rude.                               
                                                            
29543 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



I once got into a debate,                                   
Over how habeneros did rate,                                
'Gainst jalapenos.                                          
The other guy's nose,                                       
Fell off and now he can't see straight.                     
                                                            
29544 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



Habeneros, they burn you like hell;                         
Going in and going out as well.                             
If there's some on your pinky,                              
And you handle your dinky,                                  
There's another hot story to tell.                          
                                                            
29545 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



Habaneros I have, lush and thick;                           
On handling, you find out real quick                        
To expect a surprise                                        
On rubbing your eyes --                                     
And CHRISSAKES, don't handle your dick!                     
                                                            
29546 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



I made reservations in advance;                             
To a Tai restaurant found by chance;                        
Holy shit it was hot!                                       
Screamed and farted on the spot:                            
And it ate out the seat of my pants.                        
                                                            
29547 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



A mouth is a thing quite capricious,                        
A fact that I find quite suspicious.                        
Why do people complain,                                     
With their mouths all aflame,                               
Of hot peppers I find so delicious.                         
                                                            
29548 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Azmeer Selleh            



After castrating calves, caballeros                         
Pack the testicles in their sombreros.                      
Then cook all they can                                      
In a large frying pan,                                      
And serve them as huevos rancheros!                         
                                                            
29549 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Vassar W. Smith     P9304



Our Mex restaurant serves up a frill                        
Of Spumoni, when giving the bill.                           
After that spicy food passes                                
With eruptions of gasses,                                   
The ice cream provides anal chill.                          
                                                            
29550 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



"Jalapenos," said Guido of Quito                            
"When they're rubbed on my tool, fuel libido."              
But his girl thinks her twat                                
Gets unpleasantly hot,                                      
With a smell like a tuna burrito.                           
                                                            
29551 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



Jalapenos?  Well what about James?                          
He ate some then started on games...                        
With his girl ('twas no joke)                               
She then started to smoke                                   
And on climax she burst into flames!!!                      
                                                            
29552 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



I once had a craving for tacos,                             
Which I bought at a stand they called Paco's.               
My stomach did churn;                                       
My heart it did burn;                                       
From now on I'd rather eat nachos!                          
                                                            
29553 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Zekow              TP9804



For Mexican food you must learn                             
That the stuff is destined to return.                       
Just say, "What the hell"                                   
And enjoy the smell,                                        
While ignoring the mild anal burn.                          
                                                            
29554 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



A Mexican fellow named Willie                               
Ate tortillas with spiced piccalilli.                       
His breath got so hot,                                      
That whenever you got                                       
Near Willie you never were chilly.                          
                                                            
29555 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Warrick Elrod            



In Mexico the culture's sublime;                            
Refried beans are tasting just fine.                        
But am I being a jerk,                                      
Or could they save work,                                    
By just frying them right the first time?                   
                                                            
29556 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Ron Sartain              



I like salsa that's very hot,                               
And spicey, that hits the right spot.                       
With lots of fire,                                          
It is my desire.                                            
It's exciting when heat it's got.                           
                                                            
29557 GOURMETS - MEXICAN                                      



A poor lonely man named Flaco,                              
Went looking for girls in Morocco.                          
A chica named Millie                                        
Liked his big chile,                                        
So he squirted his sauce in her taco.                       
                                                            
29558 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Melissa Smead            



And then there's the one about Rocko,                       
Who fell in love with a taco!                               
It reminded him of                                          
That sweet place of love                                    
And the sex with his taco was SOCKO!                        
                                                            
29559 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Writerman                



Where the Wine Festival was to be,                          
Preparations progressed swimmingly.                         
They'd a van from "Conchita's"                              
From which sold Fajitas,                                    
And their companion wine, a Chablis.                        
                                                            
29560 GOURMETS - MEXICAN             Loren Fitzhugh      P0310



Tonight with a lover Divine,                                
I sat and ate cherries and wine.                            
So fast was the pace,                                       
I was almost disgraced,                                     
But like ice cream, it all came out fine.                   
                                                            
29561 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Mischief                 



Amazing how sweet is ambrosia;                              
Its glorious taste simply throws ya.                        
It smacks both your lips,                                   
Demands more than sips,                                     
And pounds as it paddles and rows ya.                       
                                                            
29562 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Matthew Montchalin       



The food of the Gods is ambrosia;                           
It quickens your beat and then blows ya.                    
From Heaven descended,                                      
By angels its blended;                                      
It shows what it does when it knows ya.                     
                                                            
29563 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Matthew Montchalin       



Three times over three is ambrosia;                         
It gives what it takes to engross ya;                       
Three mystical sips,                                        
A slip and two skips,                                       
And then with a hug it just holds ya.                       
                                                            
29564 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Matthew Montchalin       



It seems you enjoy this ambrosia,                           
'Cause she quickens your beat and then blows ya;            
You should offer her nectar                                 
From Hector Erector,                                        
To store in a southern exposure.                            
                                                            
29565 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Hugh Clary               



I wandered through fields of ambrosia;                      
The gooey stuff squelched 'twixt my toes.  Ya               
May join me if rice                                         
Is your fetish or vice;                                     
Lay down so the substance enfolds ya.                       
(Ambrosia is canned rice pudding in UK)                     
29566 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Tiddy Ogg                



In America, ambrosia's food too,                            
But tastier than your rice goo.                             
'Tis a mixture of fruit                                     
And coconut to boot,                                        
And it sure makes me visit the loo!                         
                                                            
29567 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Liam na Baeg             



There was an old woman named Jenny                          
Who sold custard pies for a penny.                          
She lost ha'pence a pie,                                    
And it puzzled her why,                                     
When evey day she sold so many.                             
                                                            
29568 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Warrick Elrod            



A banana frozen and dipped                                  
In chocolate topping, she nipped                            
From out of the case                                        
As if in a race,                                            
Then topped if with sweet cream, well whipped.              
                                                            
29569 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



Of food that is sexy, I think                               
That blancmange is my favorite kink;                        
And the last one I boffed                                   
Was amazingly soft,                                         
And so wondrously squelchy and pink.                        
                                                            
29570 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Blancmange is a creamy white pudding,                       
Into which your thing, don't be putting.                    
Instead let it swell;                                       
Get a pastry shell                                          
To fill with your own cream -- that's gooding!              
                                                            
29571 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Arden                    



The ferry for Ireland steamed out                           
But crashed on the Island of Grout.                         
The survivors, though, flourished                           
Because they were nourished                                 
By duty-free chocolate and stout.                           
                                                            
29572 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Anon                     



A girl from Madrid cried, "Ole!"                            
As creme he shot forth in a spray...                        
"Senor," she then said,                                     
"I prefer warmer head..                                     
Next time, could we have it brulee?"                        
                                                            
29573 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



I like chocolate, but in moderation,                        
A precursor to good copulation.                             
With choc boy paint,                                        
I'll make you feel faint,                                   
With the ultimate in titillation.                           
                                                            
29574 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Jayne                    



That chocolate titillation                                  
Needs some more distillation;                               
By adding some mint,                                        
My eyes they will glint,                                    
And I'll try reverse osculation.                            
                                                            
29575 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Archie                   



Hot chocolate is always in season,                          
I drink it no matter the reason;                            
But I'll truly attest                                       
That it's certainly best                                    
When it's cold and my hiney is freezin'.                    
                                                            
29576 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Cap'n Bean          P0104



Chocolate.  I like it the most.                             
So I'm grateful whenever a host                             
Can see themselves clear                                    
To be such a dear                                           
And spread it on onions and toast.                          
                                                            
29577 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Erick Hinds              



I think that my hair is allergic                            
To chocolate bits, thaumaturgic.                            
But the urge to eat more                                    
Is what's at the core                                       
Off my hair-loss, so dramaturgic.                           
                                                            
29578 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Archie                   



Your hair's not allergic, you Ace!                          
The point was to highlight your face!                       
Chocolate's devine                                          
To help you to shine.                                       
Your hair felt the need for some space!                     
                                                            
29579 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Bridget                  



For the heart they say chocolate is great,                  
And one aspirin DO take on each date.                       
And a shot of whiskey                                       
At first sign -- don't you see --                           
Of a heart attack -- Now don't you wait!                    
                                                            
29580 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Hilde na Baeg            



So if you feel the symptoms, just quit                      
What you're doing.  Find some place to sit.                 
Take an aspirin quickly                                     
With a shot of whiskey.                                     
Then a chocolate -- a great first aid kit.                  
                                                            
29581 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Hilde na Baeg            



Thank you and now I'll be quicker,                          
If ever I feel that my ticker                               
Is under attack,                                            
To gulp me a snack                                          
Of Goody's, Jim Beam, and a Snicker!                        
                                                            
29582 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Travis Brasell           



I will say I just love what you wrote!                      
Diet expert -- you now have my vote.                        
It's better than sweating                                   
And very trend setting                                      
And when you are rich, I will gloat.                        
                                                            
29583 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Bridget                  



If you want to look good in the nude,                       
You have to cut back on rich food.                          
So rather than flirt                                        
With that chocolate dessert,                                
Just cause your jaws to OCCLUDE.                            
                                                            
29584 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Norm Brust               



Our Dorothy's got all of them, Mum,                         
And won't share them out, even some.                        
The cookies are mine;                                       
I'm starting to whine --                                    
So give me a cookie, Dot, come!                             
                                                            
29585 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Archie                   



You spoiled-rotten whiney small brat!                       
These cookies are mine and that's that!                     
Keep your hands to yourself,                                
You perverted old elf                                       
Or I'm telling Mom 'bout the cat!                           
                                                            
29586 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Dorothy                  



A horror of pink cotton candy,                              
When down at the beach, gets all sandy,                     
And cause cavities                                          
And fits of depravity,                                      
And makes one sticky and randy.                             
                                                            
29587 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Blundel's                



Crepes -- they are such fun to eat;                         
Filled with soft cream, can't be beat.                      
Topped with strawberry.                                     
Sweet? Oh yes, very;                                        
Juicy and ripe for your meat.                               
                                                            
29588 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Arden                    



Not much of a cook is Ms. Brand;                            
Her recipes get out of hand;                                
Her pumpkin pies stink;                                     
The fillings all sink;                                      
It's what she calls Custard's Last Stand.                   
                                                            
29589 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Armand E Singer       873



When Caroline's mother made custard,                        
She started to get a bit flustered.                         
Her daughter said "What                                     
You got's not what you thought.                             
Put your specs on, the label says 'mustard'."               
                                                            
29590 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Funfax Limericks         



O poor ice cream vendor Joe Brand,                          
His softserve's not frozen as planned;                      
August's God-awful heat                                     
Can fry eggs in the street;                                 
He calls it his custard's last stand.                       
                                                            
29591 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Armand Singer       P0310



Here's marshmallow Fluffy (it's white)                      
And Pet milk for coffee delight.                            
So don't be a bumpkin                                       
Who only eats pumpkin,                                      
There's way too much here for one bite.                     
                                                            
29592 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A pox on those soggy old cakes,                             
With candied delights and tooth-aches.                      
Though some of them come                                    
Well-bathed in dark rum,                                    
And squeezing them some talent takes.                       
                                                            
29593 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Chris Papa               



I am working up quite a sweat                               
Making fudge after fudge, and yet                           
Although it's delicious                                     
And the calories vicious,                                   
I can't get the damn stuff to set!                          
                                                            
29594 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Michelle                 



I've heard it from friends who are gay,                     
It's quite possible to make it stay                         
In place firmly set                                         
Despite all your sweat,                                     
When you pack in the fudge the right way.                   
                                                            
29595 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Obnoxio                  



You have a most sick twisted mind                           
And I think, I am sure you will find                        
That I'm simply looking                                     
For a method of cooking                                     
This damn stuff and get it to bind.                         
                                                            
29596 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Michelle                 



Well dearie, I'm beggin' your pard';                        
Will you take advice from this bard?                        
That fudge may be male,                                     
There is one way to tell;                                   
Cook naked -- that fudge will get hard.                     
                                                            
29597 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Travis Brasell           



On New Year's Day in Alabam',                               
Had black-eyed peas, turnips, and ham;                      
But then for dessert                                        
I pulled off her skirt,                                     
And ate her hole pie..."Thank ya, ma'am!"                   
                                                            
29598 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



"And how many lumps do you take?",                          
Asked Jill, serving Joe tea and cake.                       
Those two, 'neath your sweater,"                            
Said Joe, "Would be better."                                
Jill, shocked, hit him twice with her rake.                 
                                                            
29599 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Travis Brasell           



To the Brit from the Isles of the Sunny,                    
Where live ladies lascivious and funny;                     
If you do not make haste,                                   
You will find that our taste                                
Goes well with condiments and honey.                        
                                                            
29600 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Maeve                    



They've put in a new ice cream store                        
By my shop -- in fact, right next door.                     
It's really not fair                                        
To put it right there,                                      
For now I'll gain pounds by the score.                      
                                                            
29601 GOURMETS - SWEETS              ROE                      



They've vanilla with warm chocolate goo                     
And Heath Bar and Cookie dough too.                         
Sundae and floats,                                          
And Banana Split boats                                      
That stick to my hips like soft glue.                       
                                                            
29602 GOURMETS - SWEETS              ROE                      



I tell you, if I'm gonna sin,                               
I'd rather with sex or with gin.                            
The price is too high;                                      
When I look at my thigh,                                    
And see those three scoops once again.                      
                                                            
29603 GOURMETS - SWEETS              ROE                      



A silly inventor from Kamloops                              
Invented both Fruit Loops and Spam Loops                    
But he made, I confess,                                     
A most horrible mess,                                       
When he tried to make Strawberry Jam Loops.                 
                                                            
29604 GOURMETS - SWEETS              John E Mayhood      P0012



After eating all those jelly beans,                         
I'm looking for some other means                            
To keep my ass covered,                                     
For I have discovered                                       
I leave more than zip on my jeans.                          
                                                            
29605 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



Said a bad little youngster named Beauchamp:                
"Those jelly tarts, how shall I reach 'em?                  
To my parents I'd go,                                       
But they always say 'No,'                                   
No matter how much I beseech 'em."                          
                                                            
29606 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Carolyn Wells            



There once was a boy who's named Sandy,                     
Who loved to eat all kinds of candy.                        
When he lost all his teeth,                                 
He said with relief,                                        
"For Ju-Ju Bears, gums are quite handy."                    
                                                            
29607 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Celine Terrian           



Don't give me milk duds, please.                            
They tend to make me sneeze.                                
'Til folks sitting behind me                                
Whisper "hush" to remind me.                                
But - I'd like some jujubes!                                
                                                            
29608 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Lynn Mostafa             



I've had some strange dreams in my time,                    
Like some people licking green slime.                       
I too, had a taste.                                         
One never should waste                                      
That yummy pie known as Key Lime.                           
                                                            
29609 GOURMETS - SWEETS              H Welchel                



But You should know Key Lime Pie                            
Although pleasing to tongue and to eye,                     
Should never be green,                                      
Unless you are keen                                         
On pollution with icky green dye.                           
                                                            
29610 GOURMETS - SWEETS              John Miller              



The lime that is grown on a Key                             
Is paler than what you will see                             
If you pull down my pants                                   
'Fore I get a chance                                        
At a beach that is bathing-suit free.                       
                                                            
29611 GOURMETS - SWEETS              John Miller              



The filling you make from Key Lime                          
Is too firm to be likened to slime,                         
And too tart for a tart                                     
But will do for a start                                     
In your search for a flavor sublime.                        
                                                            
29612 GOURMETS - SWEETS              John Miller              



Though I make my own filling from scratch,                  
Now it's rarely applied to young snatch.                    
But if some girl is willing,                                
My filling's less filling.                                  
Come here and I'll whip up a batch.                         
                                                            
29613 GOURMETS - SWEETS              John Miller              



When making banana cake, Joel                               
Put fruit and two eggs in the hole                          
'Tween two legs and proceeded                               
To cream nicely as needed,                                  
And he finished by licking the bowl.                        
                                                            
29614 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Albin Chaplin   3024-1268



There once was a fellow named Pete                          
Who enjoyed everything that was sweet;                      
From butterscotch to berries,                               
Chocolate to cherries,                                      
And ladies when they were in heat.                          
                                                            
29615 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Portia Little       P0304



From the time we were threatened by Scuds,                  
The baker's lost the taste of his bud.                      
When he tries to make                                       
A pudding or cake,                                          
He said his cooking tasted like mud.                        
                                                            
29616 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Arthur Pattaffy          



You like mints whilst in passionate throng?                 
I'm not saying that's right or that's wrong.                
Although not a fan,                                         
I'll do all I can,                                          
To keep passion and lust extra strong                       
                                                            
29617 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Jayne                    



I don't care for blackstrap molasses,                       
And if offered syrup, I passes.                             
No sugar or honey,                                          
And jam just tastes funny.                                  
I only want sweet sassafrasses.                             
                                                            
29618 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Heather McCabe           



Abstention means no chocolate chips.                        
Among the best of "no-no" tips--                            
The cookie, eat all                                         
But let the chips fall...                                   
Or buy them with no chocolate pips.                         
                                                            
29619 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Irving Superior     P9708



All diets are quite self-defeating,                         
'Cause all day you think about eating.                      
You mentally wilt,                                          
Through the feelings of Guilt,                              
When on big Snicker bars you've been cheating.              
                                                            
29620 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



A plum brought to mind food that's good.                    
Chocolate cookie-like things that I should                  
Not be eating.  Now what                                    
Is that there?  I forgot...                                 
Time for coffee and sleep.  Yes, I could.                   
                                                            
29621 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Hilde na Beag            



There is one thing that men get all sweaty for,             
A treat like a fine chocolate petit four;                   
To imply it's to eat                                        
Is not just conceit--                                       
In fact, it's not even a metaphor.                          
                                                            
29622 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Norm Storer         P9204



First sprinkle with grated iced ghee,                       
Then give it a tossing gently.                              
Don't squeeze it too much --                                
Just finger-tip touch.                                      
This foreplay all good piecrusts kneed.                     
                                                            
29623 GOURMETS - SWEETS              H Welchel                



A fine chef was Pierre the poodle;                          
Delicious was his apple strudel.                            
He made crepe suzette                                       
For his darling Yvette,                                     
'Cause she hated to eat tuna noodle.                        
                                                            
29624 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Nancy Henry-Kline   P9306



Ding Dongs, Crispy Cremes, and eclairs;                     
A junk foodish state of affairs!                            
I'll chow down with pleasure                                
And for extra measure,                                      
Go feast where one finds pubic hairs.                       
                                                            
29625 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Randog                   



Rhubarb is much better in pies;                             
Sweet, sour, and attracting flies.                          
It's good as goosebery                                      
And tasty as cherry;                                        
Please, have a slice -- don't be shy!                       
                                                            
29626 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene Lewis            



We would just wipe it off and chew,                         
Then watch each other's mouth go askew.                     
So sour yet so good                                         
That in my boyhood,                                         
Things were tastier in 1942.                                
                                                            
29627 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Saint                    



Galactose, Fructose, and Sweet,                             
Were producers who couldn't be beat.                        
Their profits, now naught;                                  
Competition (a lot),                                        
From Maple, Cane Sugar, and Beet.                           
                                                            
29628 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Al Willis           T9710



My British friend, Rozzie's homesick;                       
Mum's cooking I thought would do the trick.                 
I'm extremely amused,                                       
Because she's enthused                                      
For pudding they call Spotted Dick.                         
                                                            
29629 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



I like ice cream sundaes, don't you?                        
With nuts and some berries, it's true.                      
Whipped cream and caramel                                   
And chocolate are swell.                                    
It makes for a sticky goo screw.                            
                                                            
29630 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Bonnie                   



I just made some cookies, "They're great!"                  
(My parents proclaimed as they ate.)                        
"Ease up on them, Pa!                                       
They're made out of straw-                                  
berries which can cause you ill fate!"                      
                                                            
29631 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



I feel just so rotten tonight.                              
I've been crying. I look a fright.                          
My face paint is smeared.                                   
My vision is bleared.                                       
My life is a deserted blight.                               
                                                            
29632 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene                  



Too much sugar caused me to think                           
I should just sever my link.                                
Nobody there likes me                                       
Every one of them hates me,                                 
And all of my limericks just stink.                         
                                                            
29633 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene                  



"Oh Yeah! I've got them Sugar Blues!"                       
It's harder on me than some booze.                          
I fly for a bit;                                            
Then feel just like shit.                                   
The only cure is a long snooze.                             
                                                            
29634 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene                  



I feel much better today;                                   
I want to pass warning your way.                            
Stay away from sugar;                                       
It's really a booger;                                       
Your nerves it will frequently fray.                        
                                                            
29635 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene                  



Who needs to take illegal drugs,                            
When sugar will give your brain bugs.                       
The crash is so hard,                                       
It ain't worth it, pard,                                    
Unless someone is there to give hugs.                       
                                                            
29636 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene                  



When sugar is made to appeal,                               
Lock the makers in the Bastille,                            
Where they can't get out                                    
And spread it about.                                        
I eat sugar when I need to heal.                            
                                                            
29637 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene                  



This habit I can't seem to break --                         
It gives me this damn bad headache.                         
I just love the taste                                       
Of food sugar-laced!                                        
'Twas sugar Eve got from the snake!                         
                                                            
29638 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene                  



With junkies I do sympathize;                               
Sometimes my words are wise.                                
Sugar makes me sick                                         
But yet I do pick                                           
The candy, the cookies, the pies.                           
                                                            
29639 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Arden                    



I have inherited, too,                                      
Damned diabetes, type II.                                   
Now my daily pill                                           
Must now cure my ill.                                       
This makes me terribly blue.                                
                                                            
29640 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Arden                    



If cellulite dimples your thighs,                           
Avoid junk food like burgers and fries;                     
And try not to munch on                                     
Desserts after luncheon;                                    
Instead try my Sundae Surprise.                             
                                                            
29641 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



Said a airy young lady from Metz,                           
who kept ordering more crepes suzettes,                     
"Of course I don't eat them,                                
But nothing can beat them                                   
For a posh way to light cigarettes."                        
                                                            
29642 GOURMETS - SWEETS              John Ciardi              



I feel sorry for Wobbly's fudge;                            
The recipe needs but a nudge.                               
Take my tally whacker                                       
And carefully pack her;                                     
It'll stiffen right up with the sludge.                     
                                                            
29643 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Wbiler                   



The baker a La Mezzaluna,                                   
Glad-handed his wife around noon-a.                         
But business declined                                       
When patrons opined                                         
The petit-fours tasted like tuna.                           
                                                            
29644 GOURMETS - SWEETS              D. Fingerlos             



I really can't help but to sputter                          
When thinking of pancakes with butter,                      
With syrupy slime                                           
And jelly some time;                                        
Its glorious taste is utter!                                
                                                            
29645 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Rev. Joseph Blaylock     



A chocolate bunny named Fred                                
To his chocolate wife turned and said,                      
"You can say Happy Spring!                                  
But I won't hear a thing.                                   
They have bitten the ears off my head."                     
                                                            
29646 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Dark Poet NY             



I don't use cubed sugar no more.                            
I used to drop in three or four,                            
Then probe with my tongue                                   
To where they had clung,                                    
But my wife said it made her feel sore.                     
                                                            
29647 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Tiddy Ogg                



They're long and they're hard and they're wet,              
And everyone wants one, I'll bet.                           
The best way to go                                          
Is licking them slow;                                       
What flavor popsicle d'you get?                             
                                                            
29648 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Marlene Lewis            



My popsicle's a tasty red;                                  
The flavor's straawberry, he said.                          
But it's melting fast;                                      
Don't think it can last;                                    
It's dripping all over the bed.                             
                                                            
29649 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Carol                    



What's left is a soggy old stick,                           
'Cause I just licked it up real quick.                      
Popsicles are nice,                                         
But just flavored ice;                                      
Next time an ice cream cone I'll pick.                      
                                                            
29650 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Carol                    



Not me -- I prefer something tastey,                        
That my tongue can plunge in real hasty;                    
Smooth soft and silky,                                      
Meltingly milky.                                            
My ice cream will not go to wastey.                         
                                                            
29651 GOURMETS - SWEETS              Joe Long                 



And when do I get my dessert?                               
Here, let me help you with that shirt,                      
Let's see if your meat,                                     
Is tasty and sweet,                                         
Or cheesy with just a wee squirt.                           
                                                            
29652 GOURMETS - SWEETS                                       



Speaking now is a broad from Mauritius:                     
"A male artichoke may appear vicious,                       
But though it looks frightful,                              
Gives a thrill that's delightful,                           
And the flavor, no doubt, is delicious."                    
                                                            
29653 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Grand Prix Lim  904      



Although she's of tenderish years                           
And generates certain ideas,                                
When food's in the offing                                   
I'd rather be scoffing                                      
Her sister Asparagus Spears.                                
                                                            
29654 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



When a foolish groom in Armenia                             
Had nibbled away his gardenia,                              
They just let him graze                                     
On the bridesmaid's bouquets,                               
To quiet the old neurasthenia.                              
                                                            
29655 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Morris Bishop            



My partner is really quite mean;                            
He likes me eat things that are green.                      
He made eggs on toast                                       
Which I like the most,                                      
But with broccoli?  I think that's obscene!                 
                                                            
29656 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



I also think carrots are over-rated,                        
Though vitamin content's debated.                           
It depends what you need                                    
When it's time for a feed,                                  
But I prefer them when they're grated.                      
                                                            
29657 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



On the matter of relative size                              
Or how it applies to my prize,                              
Whenever I bare it,                                         
Gals say, "It's a carrot!"                                  
But taste it to improve their eyes.                         
                                                            
29658 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



They don't help me see in the dark,                         
For still I am missing the mark.                            
She says: "It's not right                                   
That a grown man needs light.                               
Don't come back till you learn how to park!"                
                                                            
29659 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



Once finished, the better they see,                         
Remarking, "It is a bit wee.                                
Who will you satisfy?"                                      
I always reply,                                             
"I've managed to satisfy me."                               
                                                            
29660 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



There is an old cook freckle-faced,                         
Who never allows any waste.                                 
She cooks carrots and pees                                  
In one pot, if you please,                                  
And it really is not in bad taste.                          
                                                            
29661 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Al Chaplin 3024     P8810



In food stores, eccentric Joe Miller,                       
Will smash corncobs up on a pillar.                         
There's squashed grains galore,                             
All over the floor;                                         
We call him a cereal killer.                                
                                                            
29662 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Tiddy Ogg                



A forty-year old at Fitzbilly                               
Had a passion for strong piccalilli;                        
But just for a change,                                      
He would widen his range                                    
With a mixture of chutney and chili.                        
(Fitzwilliam College of Cambridge)                          
29663 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Harold C. Bibby          



A big man from old New Orleans,                             
Used to smear his big cock with baked beans.                
With this, and salt pork.                                   
He avoided the stork                                        
And annoying Caesarean scenes.                              
                                                            
29664 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



Chef Cole views the cabbage with awe,                       
As a vegetable having no flaw;                              
Tasty boiled or stewed,                                     
Leading one to conclude,                                    
That raw kraut, thinly sliced, is Cole's law.               
                                                            
29665 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Bob Giandomenico         



Use your fingers and rotate the cob;                        
With some butter, a generous glob.                          
Eat across and around,                                      
But one thing I've found,                                   
Corn is best when you eat like a slob.                      
                                                            
29666 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             John Miller 0060         



Jam the ham, fork the beef, pluck the chicken;              
You may love all this good finger lickin'.                  
Do like Jack Spratt;                                        
Forget all the fat;                                         
A cucumber is healthier pickin'.                            
                                                            
29667 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Jim Weaver Collection    



Into the doctors I lumbered;                                
DIET! Or your days will be numbered.                        
But cakes made of rice                                      
Don't taste very nice,                                      
Nor lettuce that's only cucumbered.                         
                                                            
29668 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Jim Weaver Collection    



A vegetarian is just a freak;                               
Without meat, you just end up weak.                         
Meat-eating's a habit,                                      
And you're not a rabbit.                                    
So get some proper food to eat!                             
                                                            
29669 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Mushroom                 



A courtesan eating falafel,                                 
Finally said, "This is awful!                               
My chick pea/bean diet                                      
Has caused me to riot.                                      
I'm craving a good Belgian waffle.                          
                                                            
29670 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



There was a young man of Loch Ness                          
Who was partial to mustard and cress.                       
He would eat it in bed                                      
Between slices of bread,                                    
In the usual state of undress.                              
                                                            
29671 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Mark Wainwright          



There was a hillbilly named Fritz,                          
Who always ate nothing but grits.                           
When asked why it was so,                                   
He'd say, "'Cause I'm po,                                   
And around here, it's all that I gits."                     
                                                            
29672 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Warrick Elrod            



There once was a convict named Glime,                       
Tended herbs to atone for his crime.                        
Garlic had a strong scent,                                  
So to onions he went.                                       
So it went until the end of thyme.                          
                                                            
29673 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Monique de Plume         



If in Moncton they ask you to dine                          
And you're down there at fiddlehead time,                   
Be ready to yearn                                           
To munch on some fern                                       
Or else be prepared to decline!                             
                                                            
29674 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             T. Green, Toronto     33b



Said a freaky French fryer of Frisco,                       
"I do all my deep frying with Crisco,                       
Which entices the girls                                     
More than rubies, or pearls,                                
Or those dry little things from Nabisco."                   
                                                            
29675 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Keith MacMillan     A023D



"Watch out for the cops!" said Capone,                      
"They've got guns and sticks of baloney.                    
If we let them get close,                                   
We can give the a dose                                      
Of fried garlic and cheese macaroni."                       
                                                            
29676 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Mike O'Conner            



At a restaurant way out in Wyoming,                         
A vegetarian was moaning,                                   
"What have you got for me",                                 
Said the waitress, "Let's see...                            
A plane ticket back to your home-ing."                      
                                                            
29677 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



A lady from near Milton Keynes                              
Had trouble digesting her greens.                           
The odd Brussels sprout                                     
Would find its way out,                                     
But the greens that bought screams were French beans.       
                                                            
29678 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Michael Palin            



A babe by the name Peter Piper,                             
Who, about picking peckers, was hyper.                      
She preferred peckers pickled;                              
Was delighted and tickled,                                  
To find them still green in her diaper.                     
                                                            
29679 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             David Lauridsen          



Now how many dinners (pre-teens)                            
Did a parent say, "Eat up your greens;                      
'Twill put hair on your chest."                             
Well I've looked down my vest,                              
And I guess I preferred to eat beans.                       
                                                            
29680 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Peter Wilkins            



"I'm sick of this diet!" said Kate.                         
"I'd as soon eat the damned paper plate                     
As these unsalted greens,                                   
The unbuttered beans,                                       
And all other veggies I hate!"                              
                                                            
29681 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Vassar W. Smith     P9504



If man is supposed to have joy,                             
Let's ban all the things than annoy;                        
Like talk Radio                                             
And April snow,                                             
And anything made out of soy.                               
                                                            
29682 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Timothy Torkildson       



I have an aversion to dill.                                 
I've been given an anti-dill pill.                          
Taken three times a day,                                    
In the usual way,                                           
It still gives me a bit of a thrill.                        
                                                            
29683 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Bill Wall                



There was a young man from Prestatyn,                       
Who fancied he ought to learn Latin.                        
He said, "I shall speak                                     
Of my hatred of leek,                                       
For the Welsh don't have words to put that in."             
                                                            
29684 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Richard Long             



Don't gossip or bandy about                                 
My cousin smells like Brussels sprout.                      
His smell, I've opined,                                     
Does bring to my mind                                       
The stink of week-old sauerkraut.                           
                                                            
29685 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Al Willis                



There was an old person of Norwich                          
Who fed upon grass and on porridge.                         
When porridge was sparse                                    
And he couldn't get grass,                                  
He would go round the city and forage.                      
                                                            
29686 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Anon                     



Consider the fate o' the humble potato;                     
It's really the best you can do.                            
So don't shed the blood                                     
Of that poor helpless spud,                                 
Who's never done nuffin' to you.                            
                                                            
29687 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Brian Redford            



One night you have been to the pub,                         
And you stagger back home after grub;                       
The fridge you explore                                      
And you find in the door                                    
Some hummus-y stuff in a tub.                               
                                                            
29688 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Lucy                     



Hummus I love in a tub!                                     
An hors d'oeuvre I never would snub.                        
But I always assume                                         
It's made from legume...                                    
And there's no chick pee in that tub!                       
                                                            
29689 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Tutta Gioia              



A clever old gourmet named Sam                              
Used tubers for sweetening lamb.                            
He, at times, lacking those,                                
Substituted his toes,                                       
Declaring: "I yam what I am."                               
                                                            
29690 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Cybergeezer              



A man of the future is Z.;                                  
He lives on raw carrots and ghee,                           
Plus grits and gruyere,                                     
Breathes purified air,                                      
And washes food down with iced pee.                         
                                                            
29691 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Armand E Singer       747



With the "pratee" their principle food,                     
Irish cooking is pretty subdued.                            
Micks are orange or green --                                
No shades in between --                                     
Either way they are usually stewed.                         
                                                            
29692 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             John Miller              



Here's to kimchi the Koreans' delight.                      
Hurrah for each peppery bite!                               
The eat it for lunch,                                       
For breakfast and brunch,                                   
And there's a hot time in town every night!                 
                                                            
29693 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             James Wade          P8303



The Emir who rules Abou-dabi                                
Likes vegetables crisp and not flabby.                      
He dotes on the crunch                                      
Of his carrots at lunch,                                    
And denied his kohl rabi, gets crabby.                      
                                                            
29694 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             John E Mayhood      P9809



A gentleman, otherwise meek,                                
Detested with passion the leek.                             
When offered one out,                                       
He dealt such a clout                                       
To the maid, she was down for a week.                       
                                                            
29695 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Jim Weaver Collection    



Radishes?  Turnips?  Passe!                                 
These spherical frottings, allay!                           
My dear, it's so chic,                                      
What I do with a leek,                                      
And it goes on and on, the entree.                          
                                                            
29696 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Anon                     



Bib said to Cos, "Oh please lettuce                         
'Scape from this field ere they get us!                     
They've only one goal!                                      
Put us in a bowl,                                           
Toss us and then vinagrette us.                             
                                                            
29697 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



There once was a guy named Bob,                             
He loved to eat corn on the cob.                            
They say you are what you eat,                              
So he got yellow feet,                                      
And he started to cry yellow sobs!                          
                                                            
29698 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Jim Weaver Collection    



I always leave carrots till last;                           
I'm a carrot enthusiast.                                    
I wait to savor                                             
Their piquant flavor                                        
At the end of every repast.                                 
                                                            
29699 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Marty              TP9807



There was a young lady of Cork,                             
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.                            
He bought for his daughter                                  
A tutor who taught her                                      
To balance green peas on her fork.                          
                                                            
29700 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



"Of tea leaves you lack a supply,"                          
My English friend said with a sigh.                         
"You cannot deny it:                                        
Drop tea from your die-t,                                   
And nothing is left but to die."                            
(Die! Die! di-dee-di-dee-di.... - McW)                      
29701 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Laurence Perrine    P9504



A sage old observer named Frankton                          
Predicted what man had not banked on.                       
When the planet was plundered                               
By a race that had blundered,                               
There was naught left for eating but plankton.              
                                                            
29702 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Albin Chaplin   3024-2577



She took me to her leafy bower                              
And promised a warm golden shower.                          
One whiff and I said,                                       
"Get this through your head:                                
Asparagus never devour!"                                    
                                                            
29703 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Tutta                    



Rice cakes and salad, what's to it?                         
And tofu, you can't even chew it.                           
Steam all that you eat,                                     
And never touch meat;                                       
That's death and I ain't gonna do it.                       
                                                            
29704 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Jim Weaver Collection    



When you're thinking of something to eat,                   
Vegetarian food can't be beat.                              
It's better for you,                                        
And it's more moral too.                                    
Plus, it goes really nicely with meat.                      
                                                            
29705 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Mike Dale                



A Hindu guru -- called Baboo                                
Stirred with a spoon in his stew.                           
As he wiped his brow,                                       
He said: "I will vow                                        
That there's no meat in this vegetable brew."               
                                                            
29706 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Thomas Ratliff      P0304



With cholesterol now on the run,                            
Eating steak is no longer much fun.                         
There's small sex appeal                                    
In a vegetarian meal,                                       
Even if on a hamburger bun.                                 
                                                            
29707 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Edwin J Weinstein        



A vegetarian with quite an old plight                       
Checked himself into ER one night.                          
With asparagus spears                                       
Stuck in his nose and ears,                                 
The Doc said, "You're not eating right!"                    
                                                            
29708 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Observer                 



Carrots in his ear were a sight.                            
The peas up his nose were a fright.                         
When he said he felt ill,                                   
The Doctor said, "Bill,                                     
It's plain you're just not eating right."                   
                                                            
29709 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



My friend Tara, a slim vegetarian,                          
Always knows what her stomach is carryin'.                  
If you take her advice                                      
And eat lots of rice,                                       
You may end up an octagenarian!                             
                                                            
29710 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Mallmall           TP9901



My grapes have been aging for years,                        
Awaiting your lips twixt your ears.                         
To drink of their flavour                                   
And totally savour                                          
The sweet vintage of Gherkinspears.                         
                                                            
29711 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



There were two calamitous pinckles                          
That laid in the sauerkraut crinkles.                       
Said one to the other;                                      
What shall I do, mother?                                    
Surely you, not the salt, give me wrinkles.                 
                                                            
29712 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Emma               TP9807



In all of my eyes, the true hate shows.                     
I'm wishing that I never ate those                          
Polysynthetic,                                              
Fake and pathetic                                           
Genetically altered potatoes.                               
                                                            
29713 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



A half-baked potato, named Sue,                             
Was withdrawn to thicken a stew.                            
She reluctantly cried,                                      
As she simmered and fried,                                  
"I'm damned if I don't, or I do!"                           
                                                            
29714 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



How to spell potato has tried                               
Many minds, sometimes mine, I'll confide.                   
Though it may have an eye                                   
There's no F; don't ask why!                                
Not until it's been boiled, baked, or fried.                
                                                            
29715 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Graham Lester            



Rhubarb when raw is so tough                                
And its leaves contain poisonous stuff,                     
But when cleaned and de-soiled                              
Dipped in sugar and boiled,                                 
Then the stalks are quite tasty enough.                     
                                                            
29716 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Peter Wilkins            



Hey Waiter, my soup has a roach in!                         
My potatoes it seems to be poaching.                        
Though it's not eaten much,                                 
It's actions are such                                       
To make me believe, it's encroaching.                       
                                                            
29717 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Observer                 



A tossed salad was set on the table,                        
But hark to the end of my fable.                            
A quick flick of the wrist,                                 
The dishes all missed,                                      
As the waiter was not very able.                            
                                                            
29718 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Arthur Pattaffy          



There were two young ladies named Bower                     
Who screwed two young Krauts for an hour.                   
Said one, "My Kraut is sweet,                               
I must have a repeat."                                      
But the other said her Kraut was sour.                      
                                                            
29719 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Albin Chaplin   3024-0054



There was a young woman of Greenwich                        
Who had a great weakness for spinach.                       
When it slipped down her chin,                              
She would lap it all in,                                    
In-ach by in-ach by in-ach.                                 
                                                            
29720 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Burges Johnson           



I've a habit at which you may squawk,                       
That I started when first I could talk.                     
I eat peas mixed with honey,                                
Which makes them taste funny,                               
But at least they all stay on my fork.                      
                                                            
29721 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Friar              TP9806



Tofu, 'tis said, comes from soy,                            
But I think it's really a ploy                              
To pass off that crap                                       
Without a big flap.                                         
(It's from the foreskin of a goy.)                          
                                                            
29722 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Frank              TP9807



Can we get through just one more Thanksgiving?              
There are precious few nuggets, on sieving.                 
My plate looks so bare                                      
With no turkey to share...                                  
It's the price of vegetarian living.                        
                                                            
29723 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Paul Hoffman             



That is some fine meat you are carryin',                    
But steaks are for eatin', not buryin'.                     
A culinary sight,                                           
A gourmet delight,                                          
But what if she's a vegetarian?                             
                                                            
29724 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Kaylin                   



A vegetarian? I don't know if it's true.                    
But I can still satisfy you.                                
Come to my fruit stand                                      
And simply demand                                           
My banana and a kiwi or two.                                
                                                            
29725 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Mike Hunter              



A treat for the tongue and the tummy,                       
Something sweet and chewy and gummy.                        
Fruit salad's a dream                                       
With nuts and whipped cream,                                
Banana and kiwi! How Yummy!                                 
                                                            
29726 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Kaylin                   



On the subject of steak and pork rib,                       
Vegetarians can be very glib.                               
We're just jealous that meat                                
Is so darn cheap to eat,                                    
While they've hiked veggie prices -- no fib!                
                                                            
29727 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Prof M-G                 



I stood in my Burger King hat;                              
A woman and kid came in, sat.                               
She flopped out a titty                                     
To feed the wee kiddie;                                     
I yelled, "Does he want fries with that?"                   
                                                            
29728 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Tiddy Ogg                



Folks everywhere talk of whirled peas -- (world peace?)     
Just answer me this, if you please:                         
Why not mashed potatoes,                                    
Or fried green tomatoes,                                    
Or carrot sticks or broccolies???                           
                                                            
29729 GOURMETS - VEGGIES                                      



"Take some SPAM," said a chef at the Ritz,                  
"And mince it in miniscule bits;                            
Then fry it together                                        
With odd strips of leather,                                 
And serve it with peas and some grits."                     
                                                            
29730 GOURMETS - VEGGIES             Mike O'Conner            



A young Nordic lass in Mombassa,                            
Demanded a piece of hot ass-a.                              
But she flew in a rage                                      
And locked her cunt in a cage,                              
When they brought in King Haile Selassie.                   
                                                            
29731 HISTORY - AFRICAN                                  L1488



The Conquering Lion of Judah,                               
Made a prayer to the statue of Buddha.                      
"Oh, Idol," he prayed,                                      
"May Il Duce be spayed,                                     
And all his descendants be neuter!"                         
                                                            
29732 HISTORY - AFRICAN                                  L1185



There once was a country devoid                             
Of competent leaders deployed.                              
To keep the Reds out,                                       
We found one about,                                         
So now it's not Red, just destroyed.                        
                                                            
29733 HISTORY - AFRICAN              Calvin Trillan           



There once was a boss named Mobutu                          
To whom all the graft would accrue to.                      
He looted the place                                         
Then left in disgrace                                       
And basked in the castle he flew to.                        
                                                            
29734 HISTORY - AFRICAN              Calvin Trillan           



The rulers of long-ago Sumer                                
Were never much known for good humor;                       
If a mistress refused                                       
Or seemed not too enthused,                                 
They'd like as not opt to entomb her.                       
                                                            
29735 HISTORY - ASIAN                Armand E Singer       879



Atilla thought virgins were fun,                            
But puzzled to see them all run.                            
"What teases," cried he,                                    
"To tremble and flee,                                       
When they all keep calling me Hun."                         
                                                            
29736 HISTORY - ASIAN                History Pun Chimera P0108



There was once a commander named Harrison,                  
Who stationed his troops in a garrison.                     
And there they would languish                               
And mutter in anguish,                                      
Attila was kind, by comparison.                             
                                                            
29737 HISTORY - ASIAN                Mark Wainwright          



"Here we are," said Attila the Hun,                         
"Won't you join us in all of the fun?                       
We'll slaughter and pillage,                                
Every last helpless village.                                
Come quickly, the action's begun"                           
                                                            
29738 HISTORY - ASIAN                Isaac Asimov             



A romantic attraction has clung                             
To a chap of whom damsels have sun:                         
"'Tis the Scourge from the East,                            
That lascivious beast                                       
Who was known as Attila the Hung!"                          
                                                            
29739 HISTORY - ASIAN                                         



There once was a Hun called Attila,                         
Whose life was a genuine thrilla.                           
From village to village,                                    
He'd rant, rape, and pillage,                               
Seldom spending two nights on one pilla.                    
                                                            
29740 HISTORY - ASIAN                                    G0511



His neighbors objected, it's true,                          
To the way he would plunder and screw.                      
But he'd say, "Tain't my fault,                             
'Cause it's all the result                                  
Of a trauma I suffered at two."                             
                                                            
29741 HISTORY - ASIAN                                    G0512



In the words of the good Chairman Mao,                      
"A woman is much like a cow."                               
Has he thereby admitted,                                    
Their girls are four-teated,                                
Or that heifers resemble his frau?                          
                                                            
29742 HISTORY - ASIAN                                         



Is Commodore Perry to blame,                                
Since he with his mighty fleet came                         
And opened Japan,                                           
Where the Japs with elan                                    
Are beating us at our own game?                             
                                                            
29743 HISTORY - ASIAN                A. N. Wilkins       P9212



Of that terrible King Mithridates,                          
His subjects along the Euphrates                            
Used to say in great scorn:                                 
"He's of no woman born,                                     
But extruded from fatherly nates."                          
                                                            
29744 HISTORY - ASIAN                                    G1014



Of dynasties Han, Tang, and Ming,                           
I admit I don't know a damn thing.                          
The Orient's history                                        
To me is a mystery.                                         
But I once had a Singapore Sling!                           
                                                            
29745 HISTORY - ASIAN                John K. Roberts     P9212



In the marvelous city of Petra,                             
You'll find it is really a metr'a                           
Fact that the folks                                         
Who live there drink Cokes,                                 
And eat olives and sheep and et cetra.                      
                                                            
29746 HISTORY - ASIAN                Norm Storer         P2005



Mark Anthony, supine by the creek,                          
Got to thinking of customs of Greek.                        
"Cleo, would you mind                                       
If I tried your behind?"                                    
"Here I lie, and I'm not prone to shriek."                  
                                                            
29747 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Bill Edwards        P9103



Cleopatra to Antony: Duck                                   
If you'll just shift a bit, I will suck."                   
But that's nuttin': the glutton                             
Gave her up the butt an                                     
Anachonismatical fuck.                                      
                                                            
29748 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                 G2323



A king in eternal repose,                                   
Got a linen cocoon for his clothes.                         
And much gold for his severance                             
Arranged with due reverence,                                
Then they sucked all his brains out his nose.               
                                                            
29749 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John Eggerton       P0103



A luscious Egyptian barbarian                               
Had problems we could call ovarian.                         
A famed Roman ruler                                         
Inserted his tool, or                                       
How else to explain her Caesarian.                          
                                                            
29750 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Armand E Singer       248



King Cheops, old geezer of Gizah,                           
Had a young wife, but just couldn't please her.             
Pyramids?  His was bigger!                                  
She said, "That don't figger --                             
Just leave it for some future Caesar!"                      
                                                            
29751 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John E Mayhood      P0103



Come along children, and follow me,                         
As I tell you 'bout Cleo and Ptolemy,                       
A mother and son,                                           
They had lots of fun,                                       
Engaging in all sorts of sodomy.                            
                                                            
29752 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



Cleopatra, the queen of Egypt,                              
Was frequently found quite unzipped,                        
By visiting Romans,                                         
Who fancied that woman's                                    
Charms, as the med they trans-shipped.                      
                                                            
29753 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



I was dubious about this adventure,                         
Thought some rhymes I'd have to invent-ure,                 
But this verse aside,                                       
It's been quite a smooth ride;                              
You can't have found much to resent-ure.                    
                                                            
29754 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



The first to come calling was Jule;                         
He entered and flashed her his tool.                        
She gave him a rub,                                         
While immersed in her tub,                                  
But that's all he got, useless fool.                        
                                                            
29755 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



The next one was Marcus Antonius,                           
Like Julie, he soon got a bonius.                           
But a bit of fellation                                      
Soon caused his deflation,                                  
All his talk of "all night" was erroneous.                  
                                                            
29756 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



They came there from many a mile,                           
But her body they could not defile.                         
She'd lead them along,                                      
But she'd not let their dong                                
Near her pussy, the queen of denial.                        
                                                            
29757 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



Yes, I know you've heard that pun before,                   
And as humor, it's flat on the floor.                       
But I will not retract,                                     
It's a salient fact,                                        
So I'm sure you can stand it once more.                     
                                                            
29758 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



At last 'cross the Mediterranean,                           
There comes the young Emperor Octavian.                     
And he rapes and he pillages                                
All the towns and the villages...                           
In fact in the ass he's a pain-ian.                         
                                                            
29759 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



For Cleo it was now the end,                                
Her honour she'd no more defend,                            
And the last thing we know,                                 
She's in a strip show,                                      
Or so the historians have penned.                           
                                                            
29760 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



In a whore house in Cairo I sat,                            
When up came a tart, old and fat.                           
She was dressed all in silk,                                
Smelt of rancid ass milk,                                   
And her name it was Cleo, or Pat.                           
                                                            
29761 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



The British Museum is crowing                               
'Bout sculptures purportedly showing                        
Young Cleo in bed,                                          
Giving Anthony head,                                        
In the first class salon of a Boeing.                       
                                                            
29762 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Peter Wilkins            



Cleopatra would wear a big smile                            
Whenever she barged down the Nile.                          
Her occasional gasp                                         
Would confirm that her asp                                  
Was hiding somewhere rather vile.                           
                                                            
29763 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



Cleopatra for power was aspiring,                           
But she lost all that she was desiring;                     
She didn't grow senile                                      
As the Queen of The Nile:                                   
Her asp-iring caused her expiring.                          
                                                            
29764 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Dix47man                 



On Egypt's Queen Cleo, a tidbit.                            
Two lovers the queen had permitted.                         
She picked the wrong one                                    
And when sets the sun,                                      
(The tidbit) an asp then her teat bit.                      
                                                            
29765 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Irving Superior          



A queen of old Egypt, named Cleo                            
Conducted her loving "con brio."                            
She felt quite at home in                                   
The arms of one Roman                                       
But preferred to be part of a trio.                         
                                                            
29766 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Isaac Asimov             



Cleopatra may not have been great,                          
But some Romans thought her first rate.                     
She knew how to send them                                   
And used her pundendum                                      
To achieve her objectives of state.                         
                                                            
29767 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             A. N. Wilkins       P8601



Cleopatra, who thought they maligned her,                   
Resolved to reform and be kinder.                           
"If, when pettish", she said,                               
"I should knock off your head,                              
Won't you give me a gentle reminder?"                       
                                                            
29768 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



Cleopatra's a cute little minx,                             
With a sex life that's loaded with kinks.                   
Marcus A. she would steer amid                              
The palms and Great Pyramid,                                
And they'd screw on the head of the sphinx.                 
                                                            
29769 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Isaac Asimov             



Cleopatra, when sex was still new to her,                   
Kept buying up young slaves to tutor her.                   
But the Pharoah, her dad,                                   
For fear she'd go bad,                                      
Kept rendering them neuterer and neuterer.                  
                                                            
29770 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John Ciardi              



Cleopatra, while helping to pump,                           
Ground out such a furious bump,                             
That Anthony's dick                                         
Snapped off like a stick,                                   
And left him to pump with the stump.                        
                                                            
29771 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                 L1729



On Cleopatra's mortal sin,                                  
The ASP is where we should begin.                           
Cold the night is!                                          
Laryngitis!                                                 
And she half whispers "ASP-ir-in."                          
                                                            
29772 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Irving Superior     P8401



"Cleopatra", said randy young Pharoah,                      
"I'd like to screw you to the marrow!"                      
But she said, "What a sin                                   
That you can't get it in;                                   
It seems I've a furrow to narrow!"                          
                                                            
29773 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Shakes Young Bro    T9707



A young fellow attended a college just                      
To become a supreme Egyptologist,                           
And lie on a mattress                                       
That was once Cleopatra's,                                  
Yelling orders to eunuchs, his balls be kissed.             
                                                            
29774 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Don Moore           P0103



The 'Curse of the Pharaohs' is true                         
As Carter found out, to his rue;                            
When he dug up their mummies                                
And unwrapped their tummies,                                
That pissed off a Pharaoh or two!                           
                                                            
29775 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Jemstone            P0103



In Egypt a pretty young slut,                               
Revered for her well-rounded butt,                          
Got to do a King twice;                                     
And when asked if 'twas nice,                               
Just grinned and replied, "Oh Tut Tut."                     
                                                            
29776 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Bob Birch           P0102



At R-O-M, I saw a mummy                                     
Wrapped up with its knees in its tummy;                     
All shriveled and dried.                                    
I think when you've died,                                   
Being put on display's pretty crummy.                       
                                                            
29777 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



There once was a sickly Egyptian                            
Who took an organic prescription;                           
He died in his room                                         
And was placed in a tomb,                                   
Which was scribed with a sacred inscription.                
                                                            
29778 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Cap'n Bean          P0103



In the past, you've heard many flimflammeries,              
But my research will much of the clamor ease,               
And prove that the Asp                                      
Cleopatra would grasp                                       
Was heard to sing "Fangs for the mammaries."                
                                                            
29779 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Hugh Clary               



Said Isis: "One night in the sack'll                        
Confirm any practice I'll tackle."                          
Said Osiris, "We'll bed,                                    
But you must give me head,"                                 
Which she did, though it proved to be Jackal.               
                                                            
29780 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John Eggerton       P0103



Cleopatra was alone in her class;                           
'Fore her eyes her whole life had to pass                   
On that fabled dark day,                                    
When historians say                                         
She was killed by a grasp in the ass.                       
                                                            
29781 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



Attired in her suicide garments,                            
Cleopatra sent out for the varments.                        
And one wouldn't do,                                        
She had to have two,                                        
To avoid a half-asped performance.                          
                                                            
29782 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             History Pun Chimera P0108



To the builder, the younger King Tut,                       
The loan institutions were shut.                            
To build pyramids                                           
Takes quids upon quids,                                     
And those rocks are a pain in the butt.                     
                                                            
29783 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Mervyn Cripps collection 



King Tut's curse seemed mere hogwash to Arden               
So he dug, asking nobody's pardon.                          
But it cost him his life,                                   
For while screwing his wife,                                
The poor fellow died with a hard on.                        
                                                            
29784 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             A. N. Wilkins       P8701



One of those dead old pharaohs                              
Once asked his dad why 'twas he was.                        
"Now I'm just a dummy,                                      
So go ask your mummy,                                       
But she will just tell you, 'Be gauze'"!                    
                                                            
29785 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



We know Nefertiti was pretty;                               
We suppose she was charming and witty.                      
But it wasn't her bust                                      
That caused Ramses to lust,                                 
He only liked thigh, nefer titi.                            
                                                            
29786 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John E Mayhood      P0103



The pussy of Queen Nefertiti,                               
Was known to be quite itty-bitty;                           
'Til she got with great trammel                             
The old twat of a camel,                                    
And then she could screw the whole city.                    
                                                            
29787 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



The virginal queen we should pity;                          
That's right, no not once, never did he                     
Cop even a feel.                                            
She, 'e gypped, a raw deal.                                 
So what did he touch?  Nefertiti!                           
                                                            
29788 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



I thought Cleopatra might gasp                              
When I offered my scepter to grasp.                         
But the chick was so rude                                   
That I never got blewed,                                    
Not even a piece of her asp.                                
                                                            
29789 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



The Egyptians build pyramids tall,                          
Great obelisks, sphinxes, and all                           
To glorify kings;                                           
These marvelous things                                      
Now serve as a gigantic mall.                               
                                                            
29790 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Norm Storer         P2005



Archeologists, reeking of malice,                           
Say Cleo corrupted her palace.                              
And her obelisk fine,                                       
By its shape and design,                                    
Was just Cleo's wet dream of a phallus.                     
                                                            
29791 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Jemstone            P0103



A vizier before Dynasty Six                                 
Said, "Sovereign, my lord! I am sick                        
With the onset of age.                                      
Though I'm still very sage,                                 
Senility's coming on quick."                                
                                                            
29792 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Carol R. Fontaine   P9107



For my old age, appoint me a prop                           
So my work needn't falter or stop:                          
Let me teach him my stuff                                   
Until he's had enough,                                      
And my maxims he surely will top.                           
                                                            
29793 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Carol R. Fontaine   P9107



Be not high with respect to your heart,                     
Or think yourself so very smart:                            
For of skill there's no limit                               
In Kush or in Kemet,                                        
And good speech is a difficult art.                         
(Kush - Ethiopia, Kemet - Egypt)                            
29794 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Carol R. Fontaine   P9107



More so than the best malachite,                            
Good speech is quite hidden from sight;                     
And yet, it is found                                        
With the slavegirl profound                                 
At the grindstone, displaying insight.                      
                                                            
29795 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Carol R. Fontaine   P9107



If you can, then establish your house;                      
Settle down with a nice little spouse:                      
A rich field for her lord                                   
Is a wife that's not bored                                  
(But her body with oil you must douse).                     
                                                            
29796 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Carol R. Fontaine   P9107



Tiddoxes, an ancient Egyptian,                              
Wrote poems of fact and of fiction,                         
In form hieroglyphic;                                       
They're probably terrific,                                  
But thus far have defied all decryption.                    
                                                            
29797 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



I've studied the papyrus scrolls,                           
Concealed in odd cavelets and holes,                        
Midst desert sand dunes;                                    
I've studied the runes,                                     
And feel I'm achieving my goals.                            
                                                            
29798 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



I've disproved the tale that the Sphinx,                    
Whose sphincter, sand-clogged, mankind thinks               
Caused humps on the camel.                                  
There's evidence damn-all,                                  
But it did give its penis some kinks.                       
                                                            
29799 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



The traders who sail on the Nile,                           
Are wizards at con-tricks and guile.                        
They'll sell you sunglasses,                                
And fruit and molasses,                                     
And potions of love in a phial.                             
                                                            
29800 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



And the hieroglyphics are tellin'                           
They conned even sweet Trojan Helen.                        
They sold her the keys o'                                   
The structure of Giza...                                    
The first case of pyramid sellin'.                          
                                                            
29801 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



But Erm, I can't come back to thee;                         
I've still got a mystery or three                           
To solve: Did Osiris                                        
The god, spread a virus,                                    
And did that bug kill the Dead Sea.                         
                                                            
29802 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Tiddy Ogg                



Ancient kings of the mummiified kind,                       
Toward revelry, oft were inclined.                          
But in death, every pharoah                                 
Became a straight arrow,                                    
For none were allowed to unwind.                            
                                                            
29803 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John Eggerton       P0103



Cleo said, "Tony, once in a while                           
Sleep with me."  He said, "Not my style!                    
I have fallen quite hard                                    
For Radames, your guard.                                    
It is I who am queen of the Nile!"                          
                                                            
29804 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             William N Nesbit    P0103



A professor who reads hieroglyphics                         
Said, "I'd rather avoid the specifics,                      
But that Rosetta stone                                      
Cuts too close to the bone,                                 
In describing an old Pharaoh's stiff fix."                  
                                                            
29805 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Jemstone            P0103



Rosetta Cody, cryptologist,                                 
Wed Bob Stone, archeologist.                                
After marriage, her name                                    
She changed and became                                      
Rosetta Stone, an Egyptologist.                             
                                                            
29806 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Henry Mucha              



An old digger of relics named Liptor                        
Told the queen that the relic he shipped her                
Did include the esophagus                                   
From an ancient sarcophagus;                                
'Twas a matter of record Egypt her.                         
                                                            
29807 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Albin Chaplin       P0211



Archeologists chase Egyptology                              
Using X-Rays, and even seismology,                          
As they search for a room                                   
They can claim is the tomb                                  
Of the womb of a Pharaoh's biology.                         
                                                            
29808 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John E Mayhood      P0103



There once was a great old pharoah                          
Whose legs were incredibly narrow.                          
When he entered the sun,                                    
He thought it was fun                                       
To think that he looked like a sparrow.                     
                                                            
29809 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Mason Wright             



Dr. Green: For a very large sum, he                         
Agreed, with a king to get chummy.                          
So he stayed overnight                                      
In a tomb, which ain't right,                               
Cause it's incest to sleep with your mummy.                 
                                                            
29810 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John Eggerton       P0103



Cleopatra, she sailed up the Nile                           
Wearing just an inscrutable smile,                          
When she saw the Sphinx                                     
Give a couple of winks;                                     
In those days Sphinx were more agile.                       
                                                            
29811 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



Someone said, "But Cleo remember                            
A Sphinx has a very large member."                          
After a short while,                                        
The Sphinx wore the smile                                   
And Cleo was happy but tender.                              
                                                            
29812 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



That 'smile' on the face of the Sphinx                      
Is not quite as odd as one thinks.                          
That ancient seducer                                        
Once spotted Medusa,                                        
And invited her over for drinks.                            
                                                            
29813 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             John E Mayhood      P0103



The famous Egyptian King Tut                                
Had a fabulous musical butt.                                
"But some people thinks                                     
My music, it sphynx,                                        
I blow toots uncommon, so what?"                            
                                                            
29814 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



Egyptologists claim Tut was dapper,                         
Though he was just a mere whippersnapper.                   
But just see what they found,                               
When they got him unwound                                   
From his ancient, linen, plain brown wrapper.               
                                                            
29815 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



Tut-Ankh-Amen, best known as old Tankh,                     
Was a Pharaoh of infinite rank;                             
But his sarcophagus                                         
Wouldn't cause all this fuss                                
If his name had been Freddy or Frank.                       
                                                            
29816 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             E. Ridgewell             



Egyptian princess, name of Wendy,                           
Exceedingly supple and bendy,                               
Gave Tutankhamen                                            
An erection for fun                                         
While she serviced his camel "Effendi".                     
                                                            
29817 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



Said the Boy King, "I fear I've a funny                     
Feeling down here in my tummy."                             
"Tut, Tut!" said old Ra.                                    
"I can see that you are                                     
Not a Son, nor a Dad, but a Mummy."                         
                                                            
29818 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN                                      



The pyramids aim to the sky;                                
We view them in awe with a sigh;                            
And the questions we hold                                   
Of these treasures so old,                                  
Are just how did they build them -- and why?                
                                                            
29819 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             Cap'n Bean          P0103



Hot lovers in This said that zythum  (This - city in Egypt) 
Was something they like to have with them                   
Before going to bed,                                        
For in fucking, they said,                                  
It especially heightened their rhythm.                      
(zythum - ancient Egyptian beer)                            
29820 HISTORY - EGYPTIAN             A. N. Wilkins       P8801



Boadicea often would goad                                   
Some chance soldier she met on the road,                    
The paint with isatis,                                      
Their sex apparatus,                                        
And embrace, crying, "One for the woad!"                    
(Isatis tinctoria - plant source of woad)                   
29821 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Douglas Catley           



Sir Oswald, the cunning old Celt,                           
Walks round wearing only his pelt.                          
If all of the maids                                         
In the village were laid                                    
End to end, there ain't one he's not felt.                  
                                                            
29822 HISTORY - ENGLISH                                       



Said Wellington, "What's the location                       
Of this battle I've won for the nation?"                    
They replied, "Waterloo."                                   
He said, "That'll do.                                       
What a glorious name for a station."                        
                                                            
29823 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Frank Richards           



Some people think I'm a weak party,                         
Others say that I'm quite hardy.                            
The truth is, in brief,                                     
I'm seeking relief,                                         
But not at the hands of the Mahdi.                          
(General Chinese Gordon speaks)                             
29824 HISTORY - ENGLISH                                       



Who'll bugger the Turk?                                     
"I', said Gladstone, as Chief of the Nation,                
And Premier of England, to gain reputation.                 
I'll bugger the Turk,                                       
And ne'er let him shirk                                     
My prick's Grand Demonstration!"  (Published in 1880)       
29825 HISTORY - ENGLISH                                  L0521



A Nelsonian captain addressed                               
His men, on their duty, with zest.                          
History doesn't teach                                       
What they thought of his speech,                            
But we think most of them were impressed.                   
(impressed seamen - get it? - McW)                          
29826 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Chandrama                



Said Nelson at an embassy party,                            
"I am sorry, if I seem rather tardy,                        
But I face a dilemma,                                       
Should I bugger my Emma,                                    
Or screw the delectable Hardy.                              
                                                            
29827 HISTORY - ENGLISH              A Cinna                  



T'was in Egypt that he came to harm,                        
When a Frenchie shot off part of his arm.                   
But Lord Nelson falls                                       
When he's shot in the balls,                                
At Trafalgar, on a sea far from calm.                       
                                                            
29828 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tim Main                 



His eye was shot out in the Med,                            
In a battle where hundreds lay dead.                        
With his blind eye he quips,                                
"I can't see no ships!"                                     
As he signalled the fleet full ahead.                       
                                                            
29829 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tim Main                 



I saw Nelson at the Battle of the Nile,                     
And did the bullets whistle thick and fast and wild.        
And when Pharoah hit the King                               
With a cutlass on the wing,                                 
I was lying at the bottom of the pile.                      
(from 'A Great Historical Bum')                             
29830 HISTORY - ENGLISH                                       



Said Lord Nelson to Hardy, "Please kiss me!"                
And what Hardy did next is no mystery.                      
'Tis for this sweet caress,                                 
Not for naval success,                                      
That his name is remembered in history.                     
                                                            
29831 HISTORY - ENGLISH                                       



The barons at old Runnymede                                 
Forced John far too much to concede...                      
With that damn Magna Carta,                                 
The riff-raff pro rata                                      
Are ruling with consumate greed.                            
                                                            
29832 HISTORY - ENGLISH              OgniGioia                



This London eve, up in the tower,                           
We guilty knaves tremble and cower.                         
No habeas corpus                                            
Will ever unwarp us.                                        
Over phantoms the Carta's no power.                         
                                                            
29833 HISTORY - ENGLISH              H WHELCHEL               



Sir Cloudesley sailed on the sea,                           
A Royal Fleet Admiral was he.                               
Coming home from Gibraltar,                                 
His course failed to alter;                                 
What happened?  You shortly will see...                     
                                                            
29834 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tiddy Ogg                



It happened in 1707.                                        
While aiming for Plymouth in Devon.                         
One crewman said, "Sport,                                   
You're too far to port,                                     
You're nearer the mouth of the Severn."                     
                                                            
29835 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tiddy Ogg                



Sir Cloudesley said: "Grab that boy, Billy,                 
Who shoots off his mouth willy-nilly.                       
Hang him from the yard!                                     
A punishment hard...                                        
'Twill teach him for being so silly."                       
                                                            
29836 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tiddy Ogg                



Marines on board had him surrounded,                        
With rope, hand and foot, he was bounded.                   
And a curse was the last                                    
Thing that through his lips passed:                         
"I pray that this ship shall be grounded."                  
                                                            
29837 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tiddy Ogg                



And Billy's prediction proved right.                        
While cruising, full-rigged, late that night,               
The hull it was rent;                                       
All the crew's lives were spent,                            
As the ship swiftly sank out of sight.                      
                                                            
29838 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tiddy Ogg                



She'd two other ships in her train,                         
Both speeding full sail 'cross the main.                    
They spotted too late                                       
Their admiral's fate,                                       
And the crabs further protein did gain.                     
                                                            
29839 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tiddy Ogg                



Near 2000 fine men were lost,                               
Off Scilly their bodies were tossed,                        
'Cause the man misconstrued                                 
The right longitude,                                        
Which failure they learned to their cost.                   
                                                            
29840 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tiddy Ogg                



Under Cromwell and such horses' necks,                      
The puritans managed to vex                                 
Sports and theater fans                                     
With numerous bans,                                         
Till their only diversion was sex.                          
                                                            
29841 HISTORY - ENGLISH              A. N. Wilkins       P8605



That old English stud, Walter Raleigh,                      
Was always remarkably jolly,                                
Particularly                                                
When it happened that he                                    
Was in bed with a buxom young dolly.                        
                                                            
29842 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Isaac Asimov             



Young Ethelred Beowulf Jackson                              
Had sex with a flaxen-haired Saxon,                         
Announcing each pillage                                     
And subsequent spillage,                                    
By giving a blast on a klaxon.                              
                                                            
29843 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Peter Wilkins            



Talking of Scots, there's Robert Bruce;                     
Another who like barley juice.                              
While watching a spider,                                    
Someone stole his cider,                                    
So he said, "Aw damn, what's the use?"                      
                                                            
29844 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tony Burrell             



There once was a maid from Lancaster;                       
The red rose was the mark of her master.                    
Till she rolled in the hay                                  
With a Plantagenet,                                         
And embraced Richard's arms ever after.                     
                                                            
29845 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Pedro J. Aavedra    P8604



I really do note with disdain,                              
At the lack of a British domain.                            
So here I am now,                                           
And I make a vow                                            
To make the Union Jack fly again!                           
                                                            
29846 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Staffordshire Scribbler  



It stirs feelings of strong Scottish pride,                 
To see Englishmen run far and wide.                         
But they chopped off his head;                              
Poor Willy was dead;                                        
And he went off to follow his bride.                        
                                                            
29847 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Jim Weaver Collection    



William Wallace said, "Och aye the noo."                    
And painted his face Scottish blue.                         
He fought with the Brits                                    
And made them look twits;                                   
Celebrated with Young's Special Brew.                       
                                                            
29848 HISTORY - ENGLISH              Tony Burrell             



A young man once went to Dundee,                            
And said to the voters, said he,                            
"No house is complete,                                      
Unless I have a seat;                                       
My initials are W.C."                                       
(Attributed to Winston Churchill)                           
29849 HISTORY - ENGLISH                                       



The Ancient Empire once thought                             
It could break treaties it sought.                          
The Knox were well armed;                                   
Ancient HQ grew alarmed.                                    
Their fleet was eventually caught.                          
                                                            
29850 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Ancients dozed when tactics were taught.                    
The battle they lost was poor fought.                       
Ponder what they have learned,                              
Or share what they've earned:                               
Treachery always comes to nought.                           
                                                            
29851 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



The Ancient Empire loved war,                               
Till its leader of losing grew sore.                        
His curses were English,                                    
Messages quite fiendish,                                    
Sore losers are really a bore.                              
                                                            
29852 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



"Sarge," said the Knox marine bruiser,                      
"The Ancients are really poor losers.                       
We might stop our taunts,                                   
And our victory flaunts,                                    
But never our fast battle cruisers!"                        
                                                            
29853 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



It was tricky for Ben Mussolini                             
When the word got around he was teeny,                      
But he garnered a laugh                                     
From his General Staff,                                     
When he flashed them a breaded zucchini.                    
                                                            
29854 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



Girls!  Beware of Boccaccio,                                
His favorite dish is fellatio.                              
All the young girls in Florence                             
Drink his semen in torrents,                                
So be sure you stay off his patio!                          
                                                            
29855 HISTORY - EUROPEAN                                G0979a



Peace once again is undone.                                 
Bosnians talk with a gun.                                   
It may seem far away,                                       
But it should all dismay.                                   
Don't forget, they began World War One.                     
                                                            
29856 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             John K. Roberts     P9303



Of course you've heard of Casanova:                         
His wife, too, had passions that drove her.                 
She tried ten thousand men,                                 
And then started again--                                    
Don Juan!  Casanova!  Move over!                            
                                                            
29857 HISTORY - EUROPEAN                                G0625a



Casanova, as minstrels have sung,                           
Was arrested and never got sprung.                          
But how could they say,                                     
"He just withered away,"                                    
When we all know he must have been hung.                    
                                                            
29858 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Cybergeezer              



Charles Martel at Tours                                     
Said, "Boys, the odds are poor,                             
But take a chance                                           
For sunny France -                                          
Ain't gonna reign, no Moor."                                
                                                            
29859 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             History Pun Chimera P0108



Don Rodriguez del Mar Y Posada                              
Commanded the Spanish Armada,                               
But was quite indescreet                                    
With a lad in the fleet,                                    
And was hanged by the ...er... neck in Granada.             
                                                            
29860 HISTORY - EUROPEAN                                 G1032



Children and mothers in fright                              
Huddling, their temples alight.                             
The explosions of glass!                                    
A death knell, alas,                                        
For millions...Dread, Damned Crystal-Night                  
                                                            
29861 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Tutta Gioia              



The robin said to his mate,                                 
"It can't be something I ate.                               
It must be from germs,                                      
Not the Diet of Worms                                       
Martin Luther said was just great."                         
                                                            
29862 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Dorman Grace John   P9504



I remember as autumn nights fall,                           
My springtime of cock and of ball.                          
My ruddy John Thomas                                        
Made plenty of mamas;                                       
My motto: FUCK ONE AND FUCK ALL!                            
(Don Juan speaks)                                           
29863 HISTORY - EUROPEAN                                 G0062



Garibaldi gained global renown                              
Storming Sicily's shores for the crown.                     
His men wore shirts of red                                  
To hide wounds when they bled;                              
On this basis, their trousers were brown.                   
                                                            
29864 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Bob Giandomenico    P9502



Those "statesmen" who sat in Versailles                     
And carved Europe up like a pie,                            
Caused Adolf to rise                                        
With his brown-shirted guys,                                
And declare "Deutschland wins the next try!"                
                                                            
29865 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             John E Mayhood           



A lady from way down in Georgia                             
Became quite a notable forger.                              
But she faded from view                                     
With a quaint I. O. U.                                      
That she signed, "Miss Lucrezia Borgia."                    
                                                            
29866 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Anon (Cerf) (Bibby)      



Old Bill was in Moscow with Putin,                          
Debatin' with grins and refutin'                            
'Bout missles and stuff.                                    
Will it be enough?                                          
Our Chief needs the prayers of Rasputin!                    
                                                            
29867 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Tiddy                    



Old Ras was not appreciated;                                
His monk-ing around was abated.                             
It has been reported                                        
That someone resorted                                       
To making his life 'breviated.                              
                                                            
29868 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Travis Brasell           



Discovered while harvesting barley,                         
With their hair all disheveled and gnarly,                  
"Young Nicholas II                                          
Is my lover; It's true!"                                    
Admitted Rasputin bizarrely.                                
                                                            
29869 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Hugh Clary               



Personally, it's Scotch I like best;                        
Without ice, as you probably guessed.                       
For other things Scotty                                     
I'd really be dotty,                                        
To be in the least bit impressed.                           
                                                            
29870 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             OgniGioia                



If it comes down to slinging the dirt,                      
Let's write of the highlander's skirt.                      
And Englishman true                                         
All kilts would eschew,                                     
If he's not a transvestite pervert.                         
                                                            
29871 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Bob Mornington           



Scots, what the hell with that Wallace,                     
And that bloody Bruce equally lawless?                      
Moping about,                                               
So ready to pout!                                           
Remember, you fought with Cornwallis!                       
                                                            
29872 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             TuttaGioia               



We Scots prefer to be called Scottish,                      
It's a subject that's often quite hottish!                  
The Scottish are kind,                                      
But it's hard to find                                       
Someone English who's not at all snottish!                  
                                                            
29873 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             OgniGioia                



When the Romans came over from Gaul,                        
They wisely built Hadrians's Wall.                          
So only England and Wales                                   
And culture prevails;                                       
The Scots weren't civilized at all.                         
                                                            
29874 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Bob Mornington           



The Feast of Saint Bunstable, brewer,                       
Is attended by hundreds, no fewer;                          
There stories are heard                                     
How his sainthood occurred,                                 
In versions both older and newer.                           
                                                            
29875 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



Just as much of south Britain has claimed                   
Local towns once were Camelot named,                        
Or they had Merlin's cave                                   
Or King Arthur's grave,                                     
So this tale was on many sites blamed.                      
                                                            
29876 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



But I choose to believe it was Erin,                        
County Limerick, or someplace therein,                      
That a monastic Celt,                                       
Brother Bunstable, dwelt                                    
At a hall many monks said their prayer in.                  
                                                            
29877 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



For an abbey to stay spic-and-spandy,                       
Every monk at some task must be handy,                      
So this brother devine                                      
Made the scrament wine...                                   
And the beer...And the ale...And the brandy.                
                                                            
29878 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



The Fingalls (the Norse) had a liking                       
To go raiding -- as they called it, "Viking",               
Once they'd sought out the word                             
Of this brewer they'd heard,                                
In order their drinks to be spiking.                        
                                                            
29879 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



"Dear Monks," said the Vikings, "since you're               
Supposed to be sober and pure,                              
We'll help you by taking                                    
The brews you've been making...                             
For we've come to SACK you for sure!"                       
                                                            
29880 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



While all of this trouble was stewing,                      
Our good brewer his duty was doing;                         
"I am PORTly and STOUT,                                     
But I canna' run out                                        
On all of these drinks I've been brewing."                  
                                                            
29881 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



"Lest the Fingalls should pillage my store,                 
All the brews down my gullet, I'll pour!"                   
Thus he emptied the kegs,                                   
Then on unsteady legs,                                      
He confronted the Norse at the door.                        
                                                            
29882 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



"Shtand back...men of war," he intoned,                     
"Shack my abbey?  I sahy you won't!                         
I am filled with the shpirit,                               
So don't you come near it,                                  
Or I'll BREATHE on you -- shee if I don't."                 
                                                            
29883 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



With these words, at their torches he blew;                 
And the fumes from his spiritous brew                       
Made a great ball of flame                                  
So the thought to all came:                                 
"He breathes fire!" -- and the Vikings withdrew!            
                                                            
29884 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



Now some say that ball of blue fire                         
Took Bustable higher and higher,                            
Till he vanished away,                                      
In Heaven to stay:                                          
A feat that we all may admire.                              
                                                            
29885 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



But I heard that Bunstable stayed                           
On Earth, where he brewed and he prayed,                    
And lived out his days                                      
In a jolly old haze,                                        
And a well-preserved Abbot he made.                         
                                                            
29886 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



When he passed, in reply to God's call,                     
The good monks of Saint Bunstable's hall                    
Laid their stout-hearted peer                               
To rest on his bier...                                      
But his spirit's alive in us all.                           
                                                            
29887 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             C M Joserlin             



St. Valentine I would not fart on;                          
His life you don't want me to start on!                     
No stud, I'm afraid;                                        
The man never got laid;                                     
He just walked around with a heart on!                      
                                                            
29888 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Victorian folks were protected,                             
'Cause all nasty thoughts were rejected.                    
But all prudes forgot                                       
A Trafalgary plot --                                        
A column, in public erected.                                
                                                            
29889 HISTORY - EUROPEAN             Bill Backe-Hansen   P8708



You may think this tale's from the grave-o,                 
The original's scrawled in a cave-o,                        
Set in 1914,                                                
With Franz and his queen,                                   
And he's shot in old Sarajevo.                              
                                                            
29890 HISTORY - EUROPEAN                                      



When Abelard near Notre Dame                                
Had taught his fair pupil the game,                         
Her uncle, the wag,                                         
Cut off Peter's bag,                                        
And his lectures were never the same.                       
                                                            
29891 HISTORY - FRENCH                                   L1203



Abailardus of old Notre Dame,                               
Was proud of his scholarly fame,                            
'Til he got him a piece,                                    
Of the canon's sweet niece,                                 
And lost both his stones for the same.                      
                                                            
29892 HISTORY - FRENCH                                        



When her uncle caught up with poor Abelard,                 
Their romantic relations were rudely marred.                
His efforts to please                                       
The fair Heloise                                            
Were restricted to leaving his card.                        
                                                            
29893 HISTORY - FRENCH               Edwin L McFalls     P9008



There once was a warrior of France                          
Who ran off without any pants.                              
For he had been seen                                        
Quite close to the Queen,                                   
Brandishing his mighty lance.                               
                                                            
29894 HISTORY - FRENCH               Anon                     



Says the Frenchman, "You'll pay us for sure."               
Says the German, "We can't for we're poor."                 
So Fritz with a whine,                                      
Sings "Watch on the Rhine,"                                 
While Perrot sings, "Watch on the Ruhr."                    
                                                            
29895 HISTORY - FRENCH               Joseph Kennedy           



The French have so long proudly boasted                     
Themselves that they cannot be roasted.                     
Though typically pickled,                                   
They still are quite tickled                                
Whenever they're glowingly toasted.                         
                                                            
29896 HISTORY - FRENCH               John Miller              



I guess that just everyone knewed,                          
The one that we Brits barbecued.                            
She tasted like pork,                                       
That gal, Joan of Ork,                                      
When frogs and us had a wee feud.                           
                                                            
29897 HISTORY - FRENCH               Tiddy                    



Joan of Arc was renowned as a Maid.                         
That means she had never been laid.                         
She wore iron britches,                                     
With stainless steel stitches,                              
Which is why she was never afraid.                          
                                                            
29898 HISTORY - FRENCH                                        



The parents of rowdy Jeanne d'Arc                           
Frowned on her ungirlish lark.                              
But what with the fame                                      
She brought to their name,                                  
Well you just couldn't keep it Darc.                        
                                                            
29899 HISTORY - FRENCH               History Pun Chimera P0108



Too busy as savior of France,                               
No time did she have for romance.                           
At men in her town,                                         
Joan saintly looked down,                                   
Not seeing the bulge in their pants.                        
                                                            
29900 HISTORY - FRENCH               Irving Superior     P9307



The English circle Joan of Arc                              
And then they light the fatal spark.                        
Outside the circle wait                                     
Some French who urinate,                                    
But none of them could reach the mark.                      
                                                            
29901 HISTORY - FRENCH               Irving Superior     P9401



She again set the French Army straight                      
Which then showed the English the gate.                     
And drove them from France                                  
By the curious chance                                       
That St. Joan of Arc didn't menstruate.                     
                                                            
29902 HISTORY - FRENCH               A. N. Wilkins       P8909



Joan of Arc was a frigid young bitch,                       
Her pussy gave never a twitch.                              
Refusing to whore,                                          
She strode off to war,                                      
And they burnt the poor girl as a witch.                    
                                                            
29903 HISTORY - FRENCH                                   G0144



In Quebec, that impregnable fort,                           
There was wild merrymaking and sport;                       
Cried Moncalm in alarm,                                     
"Mes amis, vite aux armes!                                  
There's a terrible Wolfe a la porte!"                       
                                                            
29904 HISTORY - FRENCH               Sylvia Mead, Victoria 42b



A fat fetid fart named Laval                                
Served Hitler instead of a gal.                             
One night down at Vichy                                     
Adolf said, "It's too itchy--                               
Your moustache, my bisexual pal."                           
                                                            
29905 HISTORY - FRENCH                                   G0992



AT Trafalgar, a jolly Jack Tar                              
Spotted Boney's fleet yon and afar.                         
Those afloat on that boat                                   
Were not fooled by Red Coat;                                
The brown cords were favorite by far!                       
                                                            
29906 HISTORY - FRENCH               Jim Weaver Collection    



Madame Defarge found it neat                                
To knit while the blade kept the beat.                      
To spend Halloween                                          
At the guillotine,                                          
For her was a real tricot treat.                            
                                                            
29907 HISTORY - FRENCH               History Pun Chimera P0108



Marie Antoinette, eating steak,                             
Was asked to give poor folk a break;                        
They were all out of bread,                                 
So Marie smiled and said,                                   
"I guess they can go eat some cake."                        
                                                            
29908 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Albin Chaplin            



Marie-Antoinette use to cash in                             
On her faded old charms, much in fashion.                   
From lovers and sweeties                                    
She got favorable treaties                                  
In the throes of testicular passion.                        
                                                            
29909 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A                         G0146



"I think they should all have some cake,"                   
She said while she dined upon steak.                        
So they stormed the Bastille                                
In search of a meal,                                        
And they gave her a pain in the neck.                       
                                                            
29910 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Silvia S Crockett   P0103



Marie Antoinette, it is said                                
In reports from the land of the dead,                       
Suffers torturing ache                                      
On a diet of cake,                                          
While she yearns for a slice of French bread.               
                                                            
29911 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Laurence Perrine    P9004



Marie Antoinette got some heat                              
'Cause she thought unemployment was neat.                   
But she made a mistake;                                     
She said "Let them eat cake."                               
And they threw her ass out in the street.                   
                                                            
29912 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Anon                     



Marie Antoinette on her knees,                              
Her kerchief in hand whispers "Please",                     
(Kerplunk-guillotine)                                       
Continues the queen,                                        
"Do I have enough time to sneeze?"                          
                                                            
29913 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Irving Superior          



Dumb Dora -- Marie Antoinette.                              
Her "Let them eat cake." In effect,                         
If more sense she had,                                      
She'd know just how bad                                     
A nation with toothaches can get.                           
                                                            
29914 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Irving Superior     P9003



If Marie Antoinette had been sly,                           
She'd have lived till the sweet by-and-bye.                 
She'd have saved her poor head                              
Through some mob head, instead,                             
If she'd only said, "Let them eat pie!"                     
                                                            
29915 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Jim Weaver Collection    



A farmer there was who read Dickens                         
To all of his cows and his chickes.                         
The hens seemed to hear                                     
Marie Antionette with fear;                                 
"Off with her head" made hearts quicken.                    
                                                            
29916 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Jim Weaver Collection    



"Oh yes," said Marie Antoinette,                            
"Dear Louis, I'm feeling quite wet.                         
It's not cake you eat,                                      
Each time that we meet,                                     
But pussy; come here, man, and get."                        
                                                            
29917 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A                              



"And Lou, I find screwing so pleasant,                      
So don't pay no heed to those peasants.                     
You say they've been screwed,                               
But now they want food;                                     
Like me, their demands are incessant."                      
                                                            
29918 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A                              



History's mistakes are not mad;                             
The one you refer to is sad.                                
The story so bold                                           
For a hundred years has been told                           
Before Marie was supposed to be bad.                        
                                                            
29919 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     John Miller              



This myth is almost superstition;                           
First told about a princess disposition,                    
With no proof at all.                                       
Even she got the call                                       
To answer questions of the Inquisition.                     
                                                            
29920 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     John Miller              



A revolution it could not really be called,                 
For innocents really got hauled.                            
They all got a trial                                        
But all of the while,                                       
Most of them wound up gutted and mauled.                    
                                                            
29921 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     John Miller              



To tell more of the French Revolution                       
Would prove to have no real solution,                       
For Louis and Marie                                         
Were the targets, you see,                                  
For the troubles and the French evolution.                  
                                                            
29922 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     John Miller              



Marie Antoinette must have been                             
Quite a strong breed of royal blue gene.                    
There just wasn't a way                                     
To feel good on the day                                     
She encountered a mean guillotine.                          
                                                            
29923 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A     Nawahl Razak             



There have been many illustrious whores --                  
Salomes, Nell Gwyns, Pompadours --                          
But none so notorious,                                      
So lovely and glorious                                      
As the mistress of Louis Quatorze.                          
                                                            
29924 HISTORY - FRENCH - MARIE A                         G1889



Dick Dauntleess did deeds DERRING-DO,                       
He fought the French "froggies", a few;                     
In 1812 war                                                 
When old Nappy swore                                        
He'd swallow the British Isles, too.                        
                                                            
29925 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Chris Papa               



It's bizarre," said Napoleon's wife,                        
"That we know nothing real about life.                      
This enveloping mystery                                     
Makes us women feel sistery,                                
While our men tend to formulate strife."                    
                                                            
29926 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    James Drinard       P9802



On a lavatory door, the top part,                           
After I had only managed to fart,                           
I spied written up there                                    
"This is the place where                                    
Napoleon pulled his bone apart."                            
                                                            
29927 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Jim Weaver Collection    



The peace talks went bad for 'Nap' Bonaparte,               
When, once again, he couldn't control his fart.             
The Duke (a bore)                                           
Went on with the war;                                       
The incident broke old Napoleon's heart.                    
(duke-a-bores - Canadian religious sect)                    
29928 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Mr. Blister              



When she took off Napoleon's hat,                           
And his coat and his pants and all that,                    
What was left for her cunt                                  
Was a circumcised runt                                      
And some balls that were running to fat.                    
                                                            
29929 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



When Boney ate out Josephine,                               
She wished Marshal Ney'd intervene.                         
"You're a Corsican twit                                     
With a tiny took kit!                                       
With Michel I'm a slot machine!"                            
                                                            
29930 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    TuttaGioia               



Napoleon just loved to conquer                              
Both countries and girls, the old wonker!                   
He'd show, for a start                                      
His famed "bony part",                                      
And when she surrendered, he'd bonk her.                    
                                                            
29931 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    John E Mayhood           



Napoleon conquered a slew                                   
Till he lost his oasis - mon dieu!                          
Then along came a foe                                       
Who compounded his woe -                                    
And Bonaparte met Waterloo.                                 
(Newsweek ad for Oasis water coolers)                       
29932 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                        P8212



Bony said, "Merde!  Waterloo!                               
What in the hell could I do?                                
With Ney, that bean sprout,                                 
Against that fat Kraut...                                   
That Blucher, he really came through."                      
                                                            
29933 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Raceway                  



Napoleon, with hand in his coat,                            
Stood glowering on the banks of a moat.                     
He'd just lost a battle                                     
And grumped at his cattle,                                  
"I feel a right tit -- Please take note."                   
                                                            
29934 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Tony Davie               



Napoleon was a quaint little runt;                          
He always was chasing some cunt.                            
But when he gained fame                                     
Things weren't quite the same--                             
The cunt now came chasing the runt.                         
                                                            
29935 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                        G0147



I'll tell of a Corsican chap;                               
A strange little fellow called Nap.                         
Though almost a midget,                                     
His genital digit                                           
Would fill any young lady's gap.                            
                                                            
29936 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                             



He'd stand with his hand in his coat,                       
Or so the historians wrote,                                 
Not over his heart,                                         
But a far larger part -                                     
Caressing the end of his choat.                             
                                                            
29937 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                             



He hated his women too clean,                               
When playing his games nost obscene,                        
To Josie he'd send                                          
A note, by a friend,                                        
"I'm coming; Don't wash, Josephine."                        
                                                            
29938 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                             



He called himself Emperor, and Queen;                       
Josie would still make him cream.                           
He'd come home and start                                    
To flash his bony part,                                     
And yelled "Twat tonight Josephine."                        
                                                            
29939 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                             



A military man, he was crushin'                             
The Austrians, Poles and the Prussians;                     
But over-extended,                                          
His victories ended...                                      
He lost 18-12 to the Russians.                              
                                                            
29940 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                             



But Nap didn't know he was through.                         
He thought one more campaign he could do.                   
So he hopped on a ship,                                     
And gave Elba the slip.                                     
Had a poor time at old Waterloo.                            
                                                            
29941 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                             



And I think that the message is clear.                      
You should stay home and use your love gear.                
If with Josie he'd stayed,                                  
And kept her legs splayed.                                  
He would have had nothing to fear.                          
                                                            
29942 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON                             



Napoleon stands hand in vest.                               
Though 'heartburn' is the friendly jest,                    
Perhaps he hold a glass                                     
From which he drinks fast                                   
When Josephine or Moscow stress.                            
                                                            
29943 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Irving Superior     P8403



I recall having read in a tome,                             
When Napoleon practiced to roam,                            
"Josephine," he would say.                                  
"Please don't use the bidet                                 
Until long after I return home."                            
                                                            
29944 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9706



Napoleon a weary being,                                     
So "Not tonight," he Josephine'd.                           
Blown out of proportion                                     
And into distortion,                                        
To "Not tonight", he Josefiend.                             
                                                            
29945 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Irving Superior     P8405



When Napoleon came back from the war,                       
He reached home and opened his front door.                  
"You're ill,"  Josie said,                                  
"You must go straight to bed."                              
Nap said "Not tonight, dear, my head's sore."               
                                                            
29946 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Arthur Pattaffy          



Said Welly to Nappy, "How do?                               
My lads here will stick it to you.                          
My well-known boot's                                        
Going right up your shute.                                  
Sorry son, this is your Waterloo.                           
                                                            
29947 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Tony Burrell             



Said Napoleon, "Zoot alors!                                 
Never seen nothing like this before.                        
Hey, my Josephine!                                          
Let us quit this scene.                                     
These Brits're biting me to the corps."                     
                                                            
29948 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Tony Burrell             



"Jo, I'm off to the Elba, forthwith.                        
Can't find it in me to forgive.                             
If I'm to be exiled                                         
Then I'll expect I'll                                       
Need someone with whom I can live."                         
                                                            
29949 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Tony Burrell             



Said Josey, "Oh my Nappy dear,                              
I'll come with you and hold you near.                       
But you'll have to part                                     
From that other tart                                        
You've been screwing for almost a year."                    
                                                            
29950 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Tony Burrell             



"What, me be unfaithful to toi?                             
Why are you so cruel a' moi?                                
You know I am French.                                       
Now you hear me, wench.                                     
Bring me, toute de suite, Stella Artois!"                   
                                                            
29951 HISTORY - FRENCH - NAPOLEON    Tony Burrell             



The father of lovely Briseis                                
Sought her return from the dais.                            
Agamemnon said, "No!                                        
I shall not let her go!                                     
She both cute and a wonderful lay is."                      
                                                            
29952 HISTORY - GREEK                Christian Kopff          



Sing Goddess, the wrath of Achilles,                        
Which gave the Achaeans the willies.                        
And sent into hades                                         
The numberless sha-dees                                     
Of heroes laid under the lilies.                            
(shades - spirits)                                          
29953 HISTORY - GREEK                Edwin E. Moise           



Birds and doggies ate warriors, yea,                        
To give Zeus in Heaven his way.                             
So zero in now                                              
And make the wild row                                       
'Twixt King Ag and Achillies your lay.                      
(lay - narrative poem or ballad)                            
29954 HISTORY - GREEK                Peter Green              



Who was it started their quarrels?                          
Apollo, the god with the laurels.                           
Since Chryses they slighted,                                
The army was blighted,                                      
And Ag found his love-life in snarls.                       
                                                            
29955 HISTORY - GREEK                Elizabeth Vandiver       



He came to the ships of the Achaeans,                       
Singing some prayers and some paeans.                       
To ransom his daughter,                                     
He went out and bought a                                    
Big ransom to the rash Europeans.                           
                                                            
29956 HISTORY - GREEK                Alexander Kozak          



Said Chryses, "The God you will please                      
If my dear daughter you will release.                       
May you sieze Priam's town                                  
And win much renown,                                        
(And those are some good-looking greaves!).                 
                                                            
29957 HISTORY - GREEK                Eric de Beus             



And then the Greeks cried out in favor                      
To respect this entreating behavior,                        
But Ag on that day                                          
Just sent him away,                                         
With an order which made the priest quaver.                 
                                                            
29958 HISTORY - GREEK                Scott Garner             



Old Chryses was bad as his word.                            
He prayed, and Apollo he heard:                             
So the god was displeased                                   
And the Argives diseased                                    
Because Ag had done something absurd.                       
                                                            
29959 HISTORY - GREEK                Brian Donovan            



Achilles and Aggie for Briseis                              
Engaged in some mighty fierce disses                        
Over who'd say he won her,                                  
Saved some of his honor,                                    
And got to enjoy all her kisses.                            
                                                            
29960 HISTORY - GREEK                David Snider             



To Achilles as he sat in his tent,                          
Came an old King with his clothing rent.                    
Achilles said, "Priam                                       
Is really like I am."                                       
So he finally agreed to relent.                             
                                                            
29961 HISTORY - GREEK                Kurt Bray                



There was a young man from Thebes,                          
Who was just the perfect ephebe.                            
But Dionysus was mean,                                      
Dressed him like a queen,                                   
But at heart, he was really a plebe!                        
(ephebe - young man)                                        
29962 HISTORY - GREEK                Martha Davis             



There was a fine lady from Sparta,                          
Who behaved not as good as she oughter.                     
She eloped with a boy,                                      
Took to living in Troy,                                     
And presided over the slaughter.                            
                                                            
29963 HISTORY - GREEK                Diane A. Svarlien        



In assembly poor old Thersities                             
Had the brass to mouth off to the mighties.                 
When his hump got a whack,                                  
He crept back to his shack                                  
With an earful of monarchist pieties.                       
                                                            
29964 HISTORY - GREEK                Bill Hutton              



There was a young man from Troezen,                         
Who to Phaedra caused quite a commotion.                    
But women he hated,                                         
And loudly berated,                                         
So Poseidon sent a bull from the ocean.                     
                                                            
29965 HISTORY - GREEK                Peter Green              



There was a young man from Troezen,                         
Whose stepmother caused quite a scene.                      
He said "Yuck" as a jape,                                   
She accused him of rape,                                    
And a bull turned him into terrine.                         
(terrine - earthenware bowl, tureen)                        
29966 HISTORY - GREEK                Peter M. Green           



There was a young man named Patroclus,                      
Who didn't see what the big joke was.                       
"Achilles," he said,                                        
"I'll wear your gear instead.                               
If I don't, then the Trojans will choke us."                
                                                            
29967 HISTORY - GREEK                Diane A. Svarlien        



There was an oaf called Theristes,                          
Who asked, "How will we fight these                         
Trojans when we                                             
Are done death by degree                                    
By leaders who are hypocrites.                              
                                                            
29968 HISTORY - GREEK                Ed Nelson                



Auf trat voll Hass der Thersites,                           
Sein unschoenes Aeussers verriet es.                        
Doch gegen Agamemnon sein Zorn                              
Ging durch Odysseus verlor'n                                
Bei dem Heer des Danaer-Gebietes.                           
                                                            
29969 HISTORY - GREEK                                         



That illustrious boy Alexander                              
Was, of all the known world, The Commander;                 
He said: "Country, or maiden,                               
If you'd be invadin',                                       
Part flanks, and break ranks, and then land her!"           
                                                            
29970 HISTORY - GREEK                Robin K. Willoughby P8406



Simple living was clearly the nub                           
Of the teaching of one who could snub                       
Alexander the Great                                         
With: "Move along, mate!                                    
You are taking the sun off my tub."                         
                                                            
29971 HISTORY - GREEK                Joyce Johnson            



Archimedes, the early truth-seeker,                         
Leapt out of his bath, cried "Eureka!"                      
And ran half a mile,                                        
Wearing only a smile,                                       
Thus becoming the very first streaker.                      
                                                            
29972 HISTORY - GREEK                Stanley J Sharpless      



Archimedes' ordeal was a trial,                             
Which was nothing about which to smile.                     
By his works he was hurled                                  
To the top of the world,                                    
But began then his long downward spiral.                    
                                                            
29973 HISTORY - GREEK                Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



In Peloponesia you                                          
Should be quiet, if out of the blue                         
Comes a sudden loud shout                                   
Of "Eureka!" No doubt                                       
Archimedes is having his screw.                             
                                                            
29974 HISTORY - GREEK                Peter Wilkins            



When he demonstrated his lever,                             
There was none who was not a believer,                      
For he chose as his test                                    
The use he thought best:                                    
Its employment to pry open beaver.                          
                                                            
29975 HISTORY - GREEK                Peter Wilkins            



An ancient Greek prelate named Arius                        
Did something that proved tererarious;                      
Took a crap in the grass,                                   
Blew a vein in his ass,                                     
And died, showing life's sure precarious.                   
(founded Arian heresy)                                      
29976 HISTORY - GREEK                Armand E Singer       249



Tragic plots concerned with ones rear,                      
In the end were especially dear                             
To old Aristotle,                                           
Who sipped on a bottle                                      
Of Ouzo, and found life quite queer.                        
                                                            
29977 HISTORY - GREEK                Christian Kopff          



P. Terentius Afer                                           
Was a clever, contentious young gaffer;                     
He wrote several plays                                      
Whose language we praise,                                   
But he never was much of a laugher.                         
                                                            
29978 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



On the other hand, Maccius Plautus                          
Never cared very much what he taught us,                    
And, as one might expect,                                   
The comic effect,                                           
Is worth very much more than the thought is.                
                                                            
29979 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



M. Terentius Varro                                          
Was scholarly right to the marrow;                          
No man could make sport of;                                 
He still was a sort of                                      
Big bibliographical wheelbarrow.                            
                                                            
29980 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



Q. Horatius Flaccus                                         
Was as sharp as the point of a tack is;                     
He was fond of hell-raising,                                
And preaching and praising                                  
Augustus and Venus and Bacchus.                             
                                                            
29981 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



P. Vergilius Maro                                           
Celebrated the plow and the barrow,                         
And lovers and cattle,                                      
And more than one battle;                                   
You can't say his interests were narrow.                    
                                                            
29982 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



P. Ovidius Naso                                             
Wrote of love as delectable play, so                        
The Emperor said,                                           
With a shake of his head,                                   
"It's true, but it's treason to say so."                    
                                                            
29983 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



Here's to T. Lucretius Carus                                
Who cheers and consoles, from afar, us,                     
With his atoms pell-mell                                    
Demonstrating that Hell                                     
Can't ever conceivably char us.                             
                                                            
29984 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



C. Plinius, surnamed Secondus,                              
Wrote at length about natural wonders;                      
He'd be very amazed                                         
To find he's dispraised                                     
For quite inexcusable blunders.                             
                                                            
29985 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



D. Iunius Iuvenalis                                         
Maintained a poetical gallows.                              
He was sure he was right                                    
And took ample delight                                      
In Envy and Hatred and Malice.                              
                                                            
29986 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



C. Valerius Catullus                                        
Found verse a great game, and a solace;                     
His love and his hate                                       
Were equally great;                                         
He was prickly as any portcullis.                           
                                                            
29987 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



L. Annaeus Seneca                                           
Was a master of things ecumenic; a                          
Brief letter from Nero                                      
Reduced him to zero                                         
Polypragmosynes dethen heneka.                              
(need translation for last line)                            
29988 HISTORY - GREEK                Sarah Aleshire           



The typical Greek city-state                                
Had men of more substance and weight.                       
Where they had their Socrates,                              
We have mediocrities.                                       
No wonder we're no longer great.                            
                                                            
29989 HISTORY - GREEK                DC Dave                  



A Cretan without any couth,                                 
He sentenced himself, and forsooth,                         
Epimenedes lied,                                            
So he lived -- therefore, died;                             
So he must have been telling the truth!                     
                                                            
29990 HISTORY - GREEK                Lassie's Lover     TP9901



There once was an island named Crete,                       
Whose people were somewhat effete.                          
When invaded by Greeks,                                     
Inside of two weeks                                         
The Cretan effete faced defeat.                             
                                                            
29991 HISTORY - GREEK                Bob Maximoff        P9010



Said their Ruler, the wily old Midas,                       
"If those Greeks really hanker to fight us,                 
Call the Minotaur out--                                     
Get that bellowing lout,                                    
Though his bark may be worse than his bite is!"             
                                                            
29992 HISTORY - GREEK                Bob Maximoff        P9010



So they called through the Labryinth door,                  
"Oh you terrible, great Minotaur,                           
The Greeks storm our beach,                                 
And we humbly beseech                                       
That you drive them back off of our shore.                  
                                                            
29993 HISTORY - GREEK                Bob Maximoff        P9010



Then out of the dark Labyrinth,                             
A delicate bull-man did minth.                              
He seized a young Greek--                                   
They went off cheek to cheek,                               
And no one has heard from them thinth.                      
                                                            
29994 HISTORY - GREEK                Bob Maximoff        P9010



Then all through the town of Knossos                        
A cry of despair loudly gnaws us.                           
The people fell down                                        
In the streets of the town                                  
And expired of collective thrombossos.                      
                                                            
29995 HISTORY - GREEK                Bob Masimoff        P9010



Diogenes lived in a tub,                                    
A think-tank, and place for a scrub.                        
When the Cynic got out,                                     
He started to doubt:                                        
Was the dirt in or out? That's the rub!                     
                                                            
29996 HISTORY - GREEK                Drogo Montagu       P9709



Phryne was a harlot unchaste                                
Who Greek playwrights futtered in haste.                    
What delighted Euripides                                    
Were her swelling callipyges,                               
And her asshole assorted (to taste).                        
(callipygian - nice looking ass)                            
29997 HISTORY - GREEK                                    G1881



The Greek Argonauts said, "It forebodes                     
Though its style does reflect our proud modes.              
Watching over our fleet                                     
Yet maintaining dry feet,                                   
We've nicknamed it 'Galoshes of Rhodes'."                   
                                                            
29998 HISTORY - GREEK                Loren C Fitzhugh    P9803



To the ancient Greek writer, Herodotus,                     
Said a pretty young thing, "My, how hard it is."            
Said he, "Do you fear                                       
I will hurt you, my dear?"                                  
And she said, "Are you crazy?  Thank God it is!"            
                                                            
29999 HISTORY - GREEK                Isaac Asimov             



While Homer was writing the Illiad,                         
He went quite as balmy as Gilead.                           
But his doctor was sure                                     
He'd effect a quick cure,                                   
With the aid of a marvelous pill he had.                    
                                                            
30000 HISTORY - GREEK                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the doctor, (no common clod he)                        
"We will soon sound mind and body see."                     
And the doctor was right,                                   
For the very next night,                                    
Old Homer embarked on the Oddessy.                          
                                                            
30001 HISTORY - GREEK                Jim Weaver Collection    



A young trollop named Lysistrata's                          
A habit of giving head gratis.                              
We hear her enthuse,                                        
"I give thanks to Zeus,                                     
That my mouth's not as loose as my twat is!"                
                                                            
30002 HISTORY - GREEK                Conch              TP9901



Tired of the quarrel with self, I                           
Toiled up to that high mountain shelf: I                    
Gazed down at a world                                       
Where no self lay furled,                                   
And rejoiced to hear no voice from Delphi.                  
                                                            
30003 HISTORY - GREEK                Conrad Aiken             



The Oracle of Delphi, ambiguous,                            
Would often use misleading figuous                          
Of speech to confuse                                        
Beseechers of views,                                        
Whose skepticism was none too meticulous.                   
                                                            
30004 HISTORY - GREEK                Dan McKinnon             



As Persians faced Spartans, aspersions                      
Were cast at the morals of Persians.                        
As Persians these rancid                                    
Aspersions they answered.                                   
(Thermopylae -- see Persian version)                        
                                                            
30005 HISTORY - GREEK                Irving Superior     P8406



The haughty philosopher, Plato,                             
Would unbend to a sweet young tomato.                       
Though she might be naive,                                  
Like you wouldn't believe,                                  
He would patiently show her the way to.                     
                                                            
30006 HISTORY - GREEK                Isaac Asimov             



A Greek chap called Aristophanes                            
Went to a whore and said "If you please,                    
There's no way I can pay                                    
But I'll write you a play                                   
If you will go down on your knees"                          
                                                            
30007 HISTORY - GREEK                                         



What Greeks did, I'm sure will astound;                     
An act of waste I find profound.                            
To appease the Gods,                                        
They acted like clods;                                      
Poured alcohol over the ground.                             
                                                            
30008 HISTORY - GREEK                Chris Papa               



Oh Diane, you were always an eye-tease,                     
And now this trick test on Thersites!                       
No nighties is fine                                         
For the final punch line,                                   
What with high teas, pyrites, Stylites!                     
                                                            
30009 HISTORY - GREEK                Peter Green              



That naughty old Sappho of Greece,                          
Said: "What I prefer to a piece,                            
Is to have my pudenda                                       
Rubbed hard by the enda                                     
The little pink nose of my niece."                          
                                                            
30010 HISTORY - GREEK                Norman Douglas      L0402



Said Sophocles, putting his X                               
To the contract for Oedipus Rex,                            
"I predict it will run                                      
Until the Year One,                                         
If the shooting script plays up the sex."                   
                                                            
30011 HISTORY - GREEK                John Ciardi              



When Theocritus guarded his flock,                          
He piped in the shade of a rock.                            
It is said that his Muse                                    
Was one of the ewes,                                        
With a bum like a pink hollyhock.                           
                                                            
30012 HISTORY - GREEK                                    L0600



An elegist name of Evenus,                                  
Avoided themes sacred to Venus.                             
"While the hoi palloi                                       
Cry 'I want a boy!'                                         
My verse tickles the brain, not the penis."                 
(elegist - one who writes eulogies)                         
30013 HISTORY - GREEK                                         



Through the years have we been put upon                     
By tale tellers, or will the truth dawn?                    
Do you think or suppose                                     
That someone will expose                                    
Where six of the "World's Wonders" have gone?               
                                                            
30014 HISTORY - GREEK                Loren Fitzhugh           



Agamemnon, the top ranking Greek,                           
To Achilles in anger did speak.                             
They argued a lot;                                          
Agamemnon grew hot                                          
And Achilles stamped off in a pique.                        
                                                            
30015 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man named Achilles                        
Whose wrongs always gave him the willies,                   
So he sulked in his tent                                    
Like a half-witted gent;                                    
Say, wasn't them heroes the sillies.                        
                                                            
30016 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Edwin Meade Robinson     



The greatest of heroes was Achilles                         
Who gave all the bad guys the willies.                      
But pity the ladies,                                        
He preferred his maties,                                    
Which, if you ask me, was just plain sillys.                
                                                            
30017 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Lynn Mostafa             



There once was a terror of Troy                             
Who liked a Patricular boy.                                 
Achilles and Pat                                            
Were much closer than that,                                 
For Pat was his fun little toy.                             
                                                            
30018 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Shannon Paul             



Some in life are dealt a raw deal;                          
They suffer too much, I do feel.                            
It gives me the willies                                     
To think that Achilles                                      
Looked like a God, acted like a heel.                       
                                                            
30019 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN                                



If we let the Greeks, in we're insane,                      
Was Helen's consistent refrain.                             
"I fear men will flay us,                                   
I fear men will slay us,                                    
But mostly I fear the lance pain."   (Menalaus)             
                                                            
30020 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tom Patton          P0306



That Helen of Troy was insane;                              
Concussion had addled her brain,                            
Through bashing her brows                                   
Against those ships' bows,                                  
But look how it saved on champagne.                         
                                                            
30021 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy                    



Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships;                    
Wasn't known for her merry quips.                           
When her sailor boys                                        
Shouted their ahoys,                                        
"Just look at the size of those hips!"                      
                                                            
30022 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tony Burrell             



Concupiscent Helen of Troy                                  
Said "Sex is a thing to enjoy..."                           
The erogenous regions                                       
Lure Trojans by legions...                                  
If not to a girl, to a boy!"                                
                                                            
30023 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Grand Prix Lim  122      



Hear the legend of Helen of Troy,                           
Who could piss further than any boy.                        
One evening a guy                                           
Got it right in the eye;                                    
A princess is never a toy.                                  
(I don't get this one - McW)                                
30024 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Chairman Steve           



It's the ancient of which I'm a-telling                     
Of that smart bit of crumpet, Queen Helen.                  
To Paris she went,                                          
And a fine time was spent;                                  
When she came back her belly was swellin'.                  
                                                            
30025 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



Agamemnon, or perhaps Menelaus,                             
Said: "We'll get this bloke Troy, make him pay us.          
We'll sail up the Seine,                                    
And beat out his brain,                                     
And we'll get all those frogs to obey us."                  
                                                            
30026 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



Four hundred old boats sailed that day.                     
(A thousand ships? Never. no way.)                          
To Lesbos they sailed;                                      
At seduction they failed;                                   
'Twas the first time they'd met ladies gay.                 
                                                            
30027 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



So they carried on down through the Med,                    
With never a woman to wed,                                  
Except Helen the queen,                                     
And they knew where she'd been,                             
So they made do with barrels instead.                       
                                                            
30028 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



When they came to the straits of Gibraltar,                 
Their orders they checked, and did falter.                  
Destination was Troy,                                       
Not Paris! With annoy-                                      
ance their course they were forced thus to alter..          
                                                            
30029 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



So finally reaching the port,                               
The one they at first should have sought,                   
They scrambled ashore,                                      
To the city they tore,                                      
And many a battle was fought.                               
                                                            
30030 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



Then Achilles or one of that crowd,                         
Of down-at-heel no-goods, cried loud:                       
"We can stop this damned war,                               
If we build us a whore,                                     
Out of wood, and just leave  as if  cowed.                  
                                                            
30031 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



"Inside it we'll stuff our dear queen,                      
She's as raddled as that queer old dean,                    
They'll take in the box,                                    
And they'll all get the pox,                                
'Cos she'll roger them all she's so keen."                  
                                                            
30032 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



So the Trojans all dived in her ditch,                      
And their cocks soon developed an itch,                     
Of the pox they all died,                                   
And the greeks marched inside,                              
On account of that randy old bitch.                         
                                                            
30033 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



Menelaus, or perhaps  Agamemnon,                            
Soon found a new partner to lie on.                         
As implied at the start,                                    
Not a nice looking tart,                                    
But Paris's ten year old grandson.                          
                                                            
30034 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       Tiddy Ogg                



It stood there and did nothing, of course;                  
A harmless and still wooden horse.                          
But the minimal action                                      
Was just a distraction.                                     
The plan involved no use of force.                          
                                                            
30035 HISTORY - GREEK - TROJAN       David Morin              



Years ago, I walked uphill to school,                       
Ten miles through the snow like a fool,                     
With no shoes on my feet                                    
In pants with no seat,                                      
And gladly ate their dirt-based gruel.                      
                                                            
30036 HISTORY - PERSONAL                                      



When I was a boy, poor as dirt,                             
My gut was so empty it hurt.                                
And when I would spasm                                      
Each night from orgasm,                                     
I couldn't afford the damn squirt!                          
                                                            
30037 HISTORY - PERSONAL             Travis Brasell           



So, hungry, I took to my bed,                               
Put my feet up over my head.                                
I made such a racket,                                       
When my pud I did jack it,                                  
At orgasm, I was well fed.                                  
                                                            
30038 HISTORY - PERSONAL             CM                       



We could not afford, me and pap,                            
A shithouse wherein we could crap.                          
You may think it shocking;                                  
While Granny was rocking,                                   
We'd go dump the lot in her lap.                            
                                                            
30039 HISTORY - PERSONAL             Tiddy Ogg                



What you did was run-of-the mill,                           
For poor folks like us on the hill;                         
In fact, it's the way                                       
We do dumps today,                                          
Except Granny's sitting dead still.                         
                                                            
30040 HISTORY - PERSONAL             Travis Brasell           



When I think of my humble abode,                            
You both were with fortune bestowed.                        
And I envy your jaunties,                                   
Since our house was like Monty's                            
Poor Scotsman, a box on the road.                           
                                                            
30041 HISTORY - PERSONAL             Hugh Clary               



There was an old fellow named Hayes                         
Who lived through some very tough days.                     
To school he would go                                       
Several miles in the snow --                                
And the journey was uphill both ways!                       
                                                            
30042 HISTORY - PERSONAL             Keith Gilman        P0202



An amnesiac Roman named Bru                                 
Moaned softly, "I haven't a clue                            
Who on Earth I can be --                                    
I have no ID --                                             
Cogito sum ergo, but who?"                                  
                                                            
30043 HISTORY - ROMAN                Island Singer            



Hadrian mourned with a sigh and a frown:                    
"Antinous! Ah, why did he drown!                            
For this world, was too fair,                               
Has rejoined gods of air!"                                  
(It hurt him too much to sit down.)                         
                                                            
30044 HISTORY - ROMAN                Vassar W. Smith     P9308



The Romans, those engineer souls,                           
Wanted water to wash down their rolls,                      
So they built those antiques.                               
And when they sprang leaks,                                 
The just aqueduct-taped the holes.                          
                                                            
30045 HISTORY - ROMAN                Anon                     



The ancient and curious Gauls                               
Had huge hexahedronical balls.                              
Regarded as omens                                           
Of doom by the Romans,                                      
Who quaked at the size of their smalls.                     
                                                            
30046 HISTORY - ROMAN                Peter Wilkins            



Caligula's steed, you know,                                 
Held public office, although                                
We never have been                                          
That lucky again,                                           
To have an entire horse so.                                 
                                                            
30047 HISTORY - ROMAN                History Pun Chimera P0108



Said Calpurnia, "Though I must render                       
Unto Caesar, the brunt of my gender,                        
A few side effects                                          
Are permitted my sex,                                       
When we're feeling illegally tender."                       
                                                            
30048 HISTORY - ROMAN                John Ciardi              



One day in the Roman arena,                                 
The proconsul's wife, Cartagena,                            
Cried out "Stop the slaughter!                              
I want for my daughter,                                     
That slave. Issue now a sub-poena."                         
                                                            
30049 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



So though he was dressed in a rag,                          
They grabbed hold the lad for to drag                       
Him off to the palace,                                      
To have there his phallus                                   
Examined by the warty old hag. ('Gena?)                     
                                                            
30050 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



She flicked it with huge feather duster,                    
And shortly she had to adjust her                           
Gaze, as his thing, now once so thin,                       
Grew, aimed at his chin.                                    
She muttered, "I think he'll pass muster."                  
                                                            
30051 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



He went where her young daughter lay,                       
And many's the game they would play.                        
She loved forms of sex,                                     
Like LXIX,                                                  
But best loved the Appian Way.                              
                                                            
30052 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



So life now was great for our hero.                         
His chances of death now near zero,                         
As long as his churn                                        
Makes Lydia burn.                                           
He fiddled much better than Nero.                           
                                                            
30053 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



The Roman Emperor Claudius was devious                      
And would stammer and dribble most grevious.                
But these things, though uncouth,                           
Were like Goodness and Truth,                               
When compared to the Emperor previous.                      
(Claudius's predecessor was Caligula)                       
30054 HISTORY - ROMAN                                         



Cleopatra was so down and bitter,                           
After Mark Antony quit her,                                 
That with her last gasp,                                    
She said, "Kiss my asp,"                                    
And died from a bite by this critter.                       
                                                            
30055 HISTORY - ROMAN                Ron Ecker                



With Egypt in its final gasp,                               
And Rome no longer in her grasp,                            
One resource left--                                         
Her bosom cleft--                                           
As slowly Cleo loosed the hasp.                             
                                                            
30056 HISTORY - ROMAN                Irving Superior     P9401



Cleopatra, the queen of the Nile,                           
Fooled Caesar with overmuch guile.                          
Her titties were stunning,                                  
Her pussy was cunning,                                      
Which diverted his interests awhile.                        
                                                            
30057 HISTORY - ROMAN                                    G0141



The Emperor Marcus Aurelius                                 
Said that when we feel, it's not really us.                 
Yet I suppose                                               
That a smack on the nose,                                   
We'd have thought was a bit contumelious.                   
(contumelious - puffed-up, arrogant speech)                 
30058 HISTORY - ROMAN                Yorick                   



The emperor called Diocletian                               
Favored girls like those painted by Titian.                 
In war foes would fear                                      
His attack from the rear;                                   
He also made love like a Grecian.                           
                                                            
30059 HISTORY - ROMAN                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



Old Pontius instilled abject fear;                          
As a Pilate, he was without peer.                           
Was he sent back to Rome?  No!                              
Yet he said, "Ecce Homo!"                                   
Did he think Jesus Christ was a queer?                      
                                                            
30060 HISTORY - ROMAN                Anon                     



That infamous Emperor Nero                                  
Was hardly your average gent's hero.                        
Scaled up one to ten,                                       
As judged by most men,                                      
He'd probably rate a flat zero.                             
                                                            
30061 HISTORY - ROMAN                Armand E Singer       907



He made of his penis                                        
A libation to Venus,                                        
(Or was it Cybele?)                                         
He became quite dribbley;                                   
Nappies kept him cleanest.                                  
                                                            
30062 HISTORY - ROMAN                Jim Jambor          P9107



The gladiators, heads held high,                            
Cry, "We who are about to die                               
Salute you but forgive                                      
The half who will live                                      
For telling such a naughty lie."                            
                                                            
30063 HISTORY - ROMAN                Irving Superior     P9401



The Greeks sure were smart in their day;                    
An empire whose goal was to play;                           
Great was their home,                                       
Then here came old Rome                                     
And wiped that Greek Empire away!                           
                                                            
30064 HISTORY - ROMAN                Travis Brasell           



You'll read in the "Decline and Fall"                       
That Romans were not lewd at all.                           
If depravity you seek,                                      
Then turn to things Greek;                                  
Athenians may answer your call.                             
                                                            
30065 HISTORY - ROMAN                Bob Mornington           



A Roman of old, named Horatio,                              
Was fond of a form of fellatio.                             
He kept accurate track                                      
Of the boys he'd attack,                                    
And called it his cocksucking ratio.                        
                                                            
30066 HISTORY - ROMAN                                    L0405



At a consul's election, a quorum                            
Lacked a Senator, Rex Asinoruin.                            
So they asked in a note                                     
How he wanted to vote.                                      
His laconic reply was "I'm Forum."                          
                                                            
30067 HISTORY - ROMAN                Williams Purple Cow P0007



I come to deep-six Brother Caesar,                          
Not praise the ambitious old geezer.                        
His good works are gone,                                    
But his evil lives on.                                      
Now that, friends, should be a crowd pleaser.               
                                                            
30068 HISTORY - ROMAN                Lassies Lover            



Said Nero to one of his train,                              
"These Christians will surely refrain,                      
Encased as the are                                          
In coatings of tar,                                         
From burning my city again."                                
                                                            
30069 HISTORY - ROMAN                                         



For the next Games' finale, the hero,                       
Gets a crack at the Empress's zero,                         
While the emperor stands by,                                
Swinging out "Traumerei",                                   
On his flame-throwing fiddle,                               
                              Signed, Nero.                 
30070 HISTORY - ROMAN                                         



Consider the Emperor Nero,                                  
Of many lewd tales he's the hero.                           
Though he scraped at the fiddle,                            
He just couldn't diddle,                                    
And his real batting average was zero.                      
                                                            
30071 HISTORY - ROMAN                Anon                G0140



An old Roman emperor named Nero                             
Was considered by some as their hero.                       
His esteem could've gone higher,                            
But because of the fire,                                    
His popularity dropped to a zero.                           
                                                            
30072 HISTORY - ROMAN                Arthur Pattaffy          



Said Nero, just after the fire,                             
"These viol rumors stir up my ire!                          
When the government's got                                   
In a spot that's too hot,                                   
We employ a believable lyre."                               
                                                            
30073 HISTORY - ROMAN                History Pun Chimera P0108



Erupting volcanoes, the skinny,                             
As written by young Roman, Pliny;                           
His uncle was fried                                         
In lava and died,                                           
While learning and never a NINNY.                           
                                                            
30074 HISTORY - ROMAN                Elois                    



Old Pontius instilled abject fear;                          
As a Pilate, he was without peer.                           
Was he sent back to Rome?  No!                              
Yet he said, "Ecce Homo!"                                   
Did he think that Christ (Jesus) was queer?                 
                                                            
30075 HISTORY - ROMAN                Anon                     



I think that to make things here clea-a',                   
Pronouncing the strange name, Poppea,                       
To make scansion true,                                      
Stress syllable two                                         
Of her name, be it ever so quee-a.                          
                                                            
30076 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



And as for the speech that I quoote,                        
The point of the scansion is moot.                          
Just think of it thus,                                      
And then start to cuss,                                     
And finish the verse with "Toot-toot."                      
                                                            
30077 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



I'll tell you the tale of Poppea,                           
The mistress that Nero thought dear.                        
She's mean and she's vicious,                               
But looks quite delicious,                                  
And took it in front or in rear.                            
                                                            
30078 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



The emperor's aim was quite rough,                          
He'd oft stick her ass, not her muff.                       
But as he would say,                                        
As on her he'd lay,                                         
"Gee Honey, that's quite Nero-nuff.                         
                                                            
30079 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



"I'm Poppea, Roman Queen,                                   
And yes, perhaps a little mean;                             
I pushed out Octavia,                                       
'Cause I had more flavia,                                   
And got to be Nero's new queen."                            
                                                            
30080 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



Young Poppea lurked round the docks,                        
As cunning as any old fox,                                  
Accosting the barges,                                       
And quoting the charges                                     
She'd make for fellating their cox.                         
                                                            
30081 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



"I'm Poppea, Sailor man,                                    
For big boys like you I scan.                               
I've orifi plenty                                           
For such handsome gentry,                                   
Come try, any way that you can."                            
                                                            
30082 HISTORY - ROMAN                Tiddy Ogg                



Q. Flaccus in his third liber:                              
"The Romans have no woodpulp fiber.                         
A crapulent quorum                                          
Will squat in the Forum                                     
And heave dirty stones in the Tiber."                       
                                                            
30083 HISTORY - ROMAN                L0711                    



When Rome was invaded by Vandals,                           
They stole all the lamp oil and sandals.                    
The Romans made wicks                                       
To stick in their pricks,                                   
And barefoot, became Roman candles.                         
                                                            
30084 HISTORY - ROMAN                Prof                     



The babe had a blouse that was frilly,                      
With a bosom so pleasantly hilly,                           
That I thought of my Latin,                                 
When I felt myselft fatten,                                 
And offered my membrum virile.                              
                                                            
30085 HISTORY - ROMAN                Jeanie                   



it occurred on a paved Roman iter,                          
And I heard that her pussy was tighter                      
Than ten peas in a pod,                                     
And our Hugh, the old sod,                                  
Screwed so long that he pulled an all-nighter.              
                                                            
30086 HISTORY - ROMAN                Jeanie                   



Old Arch didn't want to deceive her                         
'Cause he truly loved her sweet beaver.                     
Then he, circumspecting,                                    
Hugh volume detecting,                                      
Decided he'd love her and leave her.                        
                                                            
30087 HISTORY - ROMAN                Jeanie                   



Her advances, she felt, were in vain                        
And she thought that perhaps he'd disdain                   
Some connubial yoga.                                        
The bulge in his toga,                                      
However, showed him inclined, plain.                        
                                                            
30088 HISTORY - ROMAN                Scott C                  



In ancient Rome each convict tries                          
To please the mob or he dies.                               
Thumbs down and he's dead;                                  
Thumbs up means instead                                     
That him the mob will lionize.                              
                                                            
30089 HISTORY - ROMAN                Irving Superior     P8912



Tiberius sat on his patio,                                  
And said, "I don't care for fellatio,                       
Nor yet cunnilingus                                         
Or whatever the thing is--                                  
This headwork is mighty damn rash o' you!"                  
                                                            
30090 HISTORY - ROMAN                                    L1649



'Tis said that the Emperor Titius,                          
Had a penchant for pleasantries vicious.                    
He took two of his nieces,                                  
And fucked them to pieces,                                  
And said it was simply delicious.                           
                                                            
30091 HISTORY - ROMAN                              L0352 G0589



A flatulent Roman named Titus,                              
Was taken with sudden colitis.                              
And the venerable Forum                                     
Lost most of its quorum,                                    
As he farted up half of the situs.                          
                                                            
30092 HISTORY - ROMAN                                         



A man called Andronicus (Titus)                             
Had a nasty attack of colitis;                              
It began with meat pies,                                    
And the issuing cries                                       
Of his sons, saying,"Daddy, don't bite us."                 
                                                            
30093 HISTORY - ROMAN                Paul Wigmore             



When Vespasian the senate did stand,                        
To tell him of a statue they planned,                       
Huge and costly, of him.                                    
But he said with a grin,                                    
Here's the plinth, as he held out his hand.                 
(plinth - lowest member of a pedestal)                      
30094 HISTORY - ROMAN                                         



They said to Vespasian, "Good grief!                        
Pay toilets in Rome?  Past belief!"                         
Yet what other time                                         
Has the state made a dime                                   
From a project for public relief?                           
                                                            
30095 HISTORY - ROMAN                History Pun Chimera P0108



When Vespasian's son did opine:                             
"Your latrine tax is way out of line!"                      
He asked him to tell                                        
If the takings did smell.                                   
He said no, "Yet it comes from urine."                      
                                                            
30096 HISTORY - ROMAN                                         



When at long last he laid down the rod,                     
Vespasian said something quite odd.                         
As his life slipped away,                                   
He was just heard to say,                                   
"Dear me!  I'm becoming a god!"                             
                                                            
30097 HISTORY - ROMAN                                         



Friend Brutus on that fateful day,                          
An ambush for Caesar, did lay.                              
Though warned in advance,                                   
He still took a chance;                                     
His last words were "Et tu, Brute?"                         
                                                            
30098 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Gifford Wherry           



England was grabbed by Julius Caesar,                       
A conquering Roman type geezer.                             
Boudicca saw him,                                           
Made a play for him;                                        
He thought she was some kind of greaser.                    
                                                            
30099 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Tony Burrell             



He said, "I'm a man of refinement;                          
I like to enjoy all my time spent.                          
Take your muddy bike                                        
And go for a hike.                                          
I will not put you in confinement.                          
                                                            
30100 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Tony Burrell             



Boudicca heaved one of her sighs;                           
On this Roman there were no flies.                          
With hate in her heart,                                     
"I'll put blades on my cart,                                
And that will cut him down to size."                        
                                                            
30101 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Tony Burrell             



Boudicca she charged down the road,                         
Blades shining, boobs covered in woad.                      
She just should have kissed him;                            
Her chariot missed him;                                     
All that she chopped was a toad.                            
                                                            
30102 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Tony Burrell             



Boudicca said, "Now that I've started,                      
I'm determined that he should be carted."                   
Though so hard she tried,                                   
He just stepped aside;                                      
Poor Boudy, she died broken hearted.                        
                                                            
30103 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Tony Burrell             



Cleopatra's sweet pussy would clasp                         
The Nile's biggest venomous asp.                            
But Caesar burned ships                                     
While humping her hips;                                     
We should drink to his health till we gasp!                 
                                                            
30104 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Hugh Clary               



The Ides of March Roman CABAL,                              
To Julius gave a grand mal.                                 
The seizure of Caesar                                       
At Brutus's leisure,                                        
Introduced Rome's Rise and Fall.                            
                                                            
30105 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Jim D                    



An epitaph unknown to fame                                  
Puts the slogan of Caesar to shame.                         
The tomb of a rake,                                         
Who spent life on the make,                                 
Reads: "I saw, I conquered, I came."                        
                                                            
30106 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR                          G0583A



I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame                       
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.                     
Ahead of my legions,                                        
I invaded her regions,                                      
I saw, I conquered, I came!                                 
                                                            
30107 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Anon                G0583



Though the nations all feared Caesar's name,                
Not just war, but in love he won fame.                      
Said the Queen of the Nile,                                 
"I admired his style,                                       
For he saw and he conquered and came."                      
                                                            
30108 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Albin Chaplin   3024-0273



When Caesar stepped in the Queen's tent,                    
She quickly divined his intent.                             
Erect and unbowed                                           
Straight forward he plowed --                               
He saw and he conquered and went.                           
                                                            
30109 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Albin Chaplin   3024-0351



Julius Caesar would screw a fine quorum,                    
Of girls in the old Roman Forum.                            
He made watchers pay,                                       
Or else turn away.                                          
Thus conducting the show with decorum.                      
                                                            
30110 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Isaac Asimov             



What word sent he home, mighty Caesar,                      
To the city of Rome to appease her?                         
Not "I came, saw, and conquered" --                         
But concordantly structured:                                
Eye sees her! I, Caesar! Aye, seize her!                    
                                                            
30111 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Laurence Perrine    P9004



When Brutus, that jolly old teaser,                         
Told a joke to a regal old geezer,                          
In the shade of an arch                                     
On the ides of March,                                       
"Tee hee, Brute," said Caesar.                              
                                                            
30112 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Cybergeezer              



Across the Rubicon broods Caesar,                           
"My legions urge me, 'Caesar, seize her!                    
Seize Rome and be boss.'                                    
If this river I cross                                       
And Rome's destroyed, they'll call me 'CEASER.'"            
                                                            
30113 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Irving Superior     P8401



Caesar was man of the day.                                  
Make him Emperor, some senators say.                        
But Cassius's knife                                         
Cost him his life                                           
Aided by Et Tu Brutae.                                      
                                                            
30114 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Fred Cohen          P8412



With epileptic Caesar sure                                  
His seizures seldom would recur,                            
Then on the Ides, a fit!                                    
His friends, observing it,                                  
Thought acupuncture was the cure.                           
                                                            
30115 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Irving Superior     P8512



Cleopatra appeared at the border,                           
And telling the queen he adored her,                        
It was Caesar who came,                                     
Saw, and conquered the dame.                                
But probably not in that order.                             
                                                            
30116 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       A. N. Wilkins       P8405



There was a young man in our section                        
Who began an immoral collection.                            
He had great Caesar's balls,                                
Which he hung on his walls,                                 
And the tool of Don Juan in cross-section.                  
                                                            
30117 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR                           G2501



Calpurnia lived quite a life:                               
She would masturbate with a sharp knife.                    
Or have sex with a bear                                     
While her husband would stare,                              
Mumbling something about Caesar's wife.                     
                                                            
30118 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR                           G2401



When Calpurnia wed Julius Caesar,                           
He swore that he always would please her:                   
"Every day of her life                                      
I'll make love to my wife --                                
That is, if I don't predecease her.                         
                                                            
30119 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       John E Mayhood           



Then Calpurnia said, "Very well,                            
But he often goes off for a spell.                          
Though he's one of a kind,                                  
I have others in mind                                       
Who know how to kiss and not tell".                         
                                                            
30120 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       John E Mayhood           



"Why do men always make such a pother                       
Over something that's really no bother.                     
I have good fun in bed                                      
And as someone has said,                                    
It's a wise child that knows its own father".               
                                                            
30121 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       John E Mayhood           



You men chase young girls without stopping                  
And boast of your score in "bed-hopping".                   
Well, we've news for you,                                   
All us girls do it too,                                     
But we call it "comparative shopping!"                      
                                                            
30122 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       John E Mayhood           



Thus and so, from Time's very beginning,                    
There has been some occasional sinning;                     
Some lose and some gain                                     
But the meaning is plain,                                   
The DNA knows that it's winning.                            
                                                            
30123 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       John E Mayhood           



Cleopatra and Mark Anthony,                                 
Made Julius C. history.                                     
She said, "He's a jerk,                                     
Who knows not how to ferk --                                
Because he always comes before me!"                         
                                                            
30124 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR                                



Today Caesar's phrase we will borrow,                       
No decision off till "tomorrow";                            
Uncertainty lost,                                           
Once RUBICON's crossed,                                     
You're on road to great joy or sorrow.                      
                                                            
30125 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Chris Papa               



By toga stripes Romans were classed;                        
Knights narrow and senators vast.                           
But the purple put on                                       
At the Rubicon,                                             
Was solid, for the dye was caste.                           
                                                            
30126 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       History Pun Chimera P0108



At an orgy, old Julius Caesar,                              
Met a virgin and tried hard to please her.                  
She said: "My name's Mini,                                  
Are you pleased to see me?                                  
Or is that just the tower of Pisa?"                         
                                                            
30127 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Jon Naismith        P2006



Caesar was a great fornicator;                              
His soldiers all did cheer him later.                       
He invited them all                                         
Cleopatra to ball,                                          
And before the gang bang, gladiator.                        
                                                            
30128 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR                                



Poor Julius was hung like a gnome,                          
And sowed his wild oats out of Rome.                        
But after his asp                                           
Slipped from Cleo's grasp,                                  
He did all his wanking at home.                             
                                                            
30129 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR                                



Re: Julius Caesar: Of all men he                            
Led a life that was so "molto mene".                        
Upon being smitten                                          
By Cleo, sex kitten,                                        
He orated "Vidi, vici, vene!"                               
                                                            
30130 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Macsam                   



Though Caesar was quite a barbarian,                        
His huge cock gave most gals an ovarian.                    
When too small was her yummy,                               
He'd go in through her tummy,                               
Creating the world-famous Caesarian!"                       
                                                            
30131 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Jim Weaver Collection    



The populous shoulted "Hail Caesar!"                        
But what if they knew this old geezer                       
Ran 'round in his toga,                                     
Not practicing yoga,                                        
But pinching the Vestals with tweezers.                     
                                                            
30132 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Ystap                    



J. Caesar was really a guy;                                 
He was hetero, homo, and bi.                                
He could have or be had                                     
By a lass or a lad,                                         
Or even by both when he'd try.                              
                                                            
30133 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Jim Weaver Collection    



When Caesar to his home returned,                           
The republic idea he spurned.                               
So Brutus and co.                                           
Killed him off, don't you know;                             
What a lesson that poor Caesar learned!                     
                                                            
30134 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR                                



Caesar, aware of fame's call,                               
At forty was nowhere at all.                                
"It seems," he said                                         
"That getting ahead                                         
Is going to need plenty of gall."                           
                                                            
30135 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       History Pun Chimera P0108



With VENI V. VICI used in the past                          
On Rubicon's crossing, THE DIE IS CAST.                     
The great Julius C.                                         
"That's two out of three.                                   
I'm saving, of course, ET TU for last".                     
                                                            
30136 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Irving Superior          



At an orgy, old Julius Caesar,                              
Met a virgin and tried hard to please her.                  
She said, "My name's Mimi,                                  
Are you pleased to see me,                                  
Or is that just the Tower of Pisa."                         
                                                            
30137 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Bill Wall                



Old Julius Caesar won fame                                  
One night, for seducing a dame.                             
He went on to write                                         
What happened that night:                                   
I saw, I conquered, I came.                                 
                                                            
30138 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Tiddy Ogg                



He met a really fine young dame;                            
He saw, he conquered, the came.                             
She wanted some more,                                       
Right there on the floor;                                   
If she's pregnant, he'd not take the blame.                 
                                                            
30139 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Enema Bandit             



The greatest of Romans was Caesar,                          
A venturesome whoring old geezer.                           
From girls far from home,                                   
He brought back to Rome                                     
A Veni -- Vici -- VD fever.                                 
                                                            
30140 HISTORY - ROMAN - CAESAR       Irving Superior     P9004



In the 40's, a war synonym,                                 
Though the early parts looked pretty grim,                  
But it came to pass                                         
That we kicked Hitler's ass,                                
And took names on the Pacific rim.                          
                                                            
30141 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



In the 50's, economy grew,                                  
But the cold war was starting to brew.                      
In my early classes,                                        
We kissed our own asses                                     
Goodbye as the atom bomb flew.                              
                                                            
30142 HISTORY - U.S.                 Cybe R Wizard            



In the 90's, our President's cheating                       
Had 'most the whole country repeating.                      
And Dolly, the clone                                        
Was complete from the bone                                  
All the way down to the bleating.                           
                                                            
30143 HISTORY - U.S.                 Cybe R Wizard            



Abigail Adams' quick wit                                    
Sparkles in letters she writ;                               
To hubby and son                                            
Wrote "Virtue is won                                        
When to a great cause you commit."                          
                                                            
30144 HISTORY - U.S.                 Tutta Gioia              



I think it was Dewey who said,                              
As the battle raged all around his head,                    
"Where's your 'esprit de corps?'                            
Let's go -- damn the tor-                                   
Pedoes, fellows, and full speed ahead!"                     
                                                            
30145 HISTORY - U.S.                 Robin K. Willoughby P8406



At the Alamo Mrs. Laport                                    
Was expected to be a good sport;                            
She elected to sock it                                      
To the others and Crockett --                               
But discovered it wan't their fort.                         
                                                            
30146 HISTORY - U.S.                 Thomas A. Quinin    P8405



To beat up the red-coated British                           
Was Washington's principle fetish,                          
Compounding the follies                                     
Of General Cornwallis                                       
With tactics King George thought quite shitish.             
                                                            
30147 HISTORY - U.S.                 Hugh Oliver         A135B



Ben Franklin, our elder statesman:                          
Today his writings Boston would ban                         
In the dark, cats are gray                                  
(And he liked it that way)                                  
Ben Franklin was a dirty old man.                           
                                                            
30148 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



"Early rising," Ben Franklin once said,                     
"Makes for health, wealth, and wisdom," I've read.          
Those who bed or rise late                                  
I suppose have the fate                                     
Of winding up poor, dumb, and dead.                         
                                                            
30149 HISTORY - U.S.                 Bob Giandomenico    P9004



The notorious Benedict Arn-                                 
old was first in a line of consarn'                         
Low-down traitors and spies,                                
Which our country now fries;                                
In the past, they were hanged in a barn.                    
                                                            
30150 HISTORY - U.S.                 Robin K. Willoughby P8603



"For me," Anne said, "sex is perennial.                     
And fills me with pleasures millennial.                     
On the Fourth of July                                       
With my two-hundredth guy,                                  
I have marked my great land's bicentennial."                
                                                            
30151 HISTORY - U.S.                 Isaac Asimov        P8208



Now I know why they reenact                                 
That party in Boston; they lacked,                          
Being very austere,                                         
Interaction all year,                                       
But in Concord they've counterattacked.                     
                                                            
30152 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



In Boston, there was a party,                               
In seventeen seventy three.                                 
And our British pals                                        
(Though, be it with scowls),                                
Quite kindly provided the tea!                              
                                                            
30153 HISTORY - U.S.                 Observer                 



We threw a party in Boston,                                 
Despite all the trouble and costin',                        
We charged for the scones                                   
And the Indian clones,                                      
But the tea -- that we happily tossed in.                   
                                                            
30154 HISTORY - U.S.                 Dennis Hammes            



Years ago, back in New Amsterdam                            
The Dutch worked one hell of a scam,                        
Saying, "For your land's deeds,                             
We'll trade you glass beads."                               
All without so much as, "Thank you, ma'am."                 
                                                            
30155 HISTORY - U.S.                 Loren Fitzhugh           



Lee answered the South's strident call,                     
He marched o'er the Maryland wall.                          
He came with his horse,                                     
And his best foot, of course,                               
Into Frederick, the next town to fall.                      
                                                            
30156 HISTORY - U.S.                 Peter Matthews           



Now a lady of Frederick call Barb,                          
Cared not that the men came to rob.                         
With Old Glory in hand,                                     
She overlooked the band;                                    
The flag they saluted with sobs.                            
                                                            
30157 HISTORY - U.S.                 Peter Matthews           



Barbara Fritchie's grey head lived on too,                  
In a legend that grew and it grew.                          
Which goes only to show,                                    
If you wanted to know,                                      
That men to their flag will be true.                        
                                                            
30158 HISTORY - U.S.                 Peter Matthews           



To the Limey who notes with disdain,                        
At the lack of a British Domain,                            
May he be reminded by us                                    
He can tour Yorktown by bus,                                
And view Cornwallis' claim to fame.                         
                                                            
30159 HISTORY - U.S.                 MaryMac                  



Give three cheers for the Emperor Norton                    
Who breathed fire and always was snortin'                   
About ghosts in the air,                                    
And things that weren't there,                              
And other phenomena Fortan.                                 
(Emperor Norton of San Francisco was a little crazy)        
30160 HISTORY - U.S.                 Neal Wilgus         P8308



Land-owners with heads in the sand                          
Bought slaves for their plantations grand.                  
But soon fate did decree                                    
That the slaves should be free,                             
And the slaves then took over the land.                     
                                                            
30161 HISTORY - U.S.                 Albin Chaplin            



The Mayflower's minute immigration                          
Appears to have peopled this nation;                        
Which in turn would suggest                                 
That the Pilgrims at best                                   
Were a people of fast fornication.                          
                                                            
30162 HISTORY - U.S.                 Hugh Oliver         A135A



The Picket Act of Ninteen Ten                               
Let Taft, with the stroke of a pen,                         
Reserve oil and gas                                         
And hold this rich stash                                    
Exclusively for Navy men.                                   
                                                            
30163 HISTORY - U.S.                 Marlene Lewis            



The withdrawal of Federal land                              
Can frequently get out of hand.                             
Some must be preserved;                                     
So much is reserved,                                        
All that we have left is some sand.                         
                                                            
30164 HISTORY - U.S.                 Marlene Lewis            



Here's a question which still confounds me                  
But its answer I hope yet to see.                           
Our Forbears took great pains                               
To strike off England's chains,                             
But from what is a "Free Mason" free?                       
                                                            
30165 HISTORY - U.S.                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0007



General Longstreet at poker was clever,                     
The best at that leisure endeavor.                          
With a sternly set jaw,                                     
When asked when to draw,                                    
To an inside straight, he said, "Never!"                    
                                                            
30166 HISTORY - U.S.                 Warrick Elrod            



The thighs of the Lady Mountbatten                          
Alarmingly started to fatten.                               
"To spread them aside,                                      
Even with legs wide,                                        
Was challenging!" quoth General Patton.                     
                                                            
30167 HISTORY - U.S.                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The trouble with General Sherman,                           
He acted to much like a German,                             
Attacking Savannah                                          
In much the same manner                                     
As Adolf or Heinrich or Hermann.                            
                                                            
30168 HISTORY - U.S.                 Basil Ransom-Davies      



At Yorktown the British all wept,                           
For defeat's always hard to accept.                         
They thought it a shame                                     
They never could claim                                      
That there George Washington never had slept.               
                                                            
30169 HISTORY - U.S.                 Pedro J. Saavedra   P8205



Four score years ago and seven                              
Our forefathers looked up to Heaven                         
To bring forth a nation,                                    
The best since creation,                                    
With freedom and justice its leaven.                        
                                                            
30170 HISTORY - U.S.                                     P8305



And now we have had a great war,                            
That nation is covered with gore;                           
It has come to the test --                                  
Free or slave -- which is best?                             
Shall liberty come to the fore?                             
                                                            
30171 HISTORY - U.S.                                     P8305



At Gettysburg we lay our dead                               
With a prayer that is reverently said:                      
"Dear Lord, let those slain                                 
Have not died in vain --                                    
A new birth of freedom instead...."                         
                                                            
30172 HISTORY - U.S.                                     P8305



"From the mountains...to the prairie...                     
To the ocean...", Westward, dare we                         
Ever hope to go so far?                                     
"God Bless America"                                         
(To be sung ((probably rarely))).                           
                                                            
30173 HISTORY - U.S.                 Irving Superior          



Betsy Ross with her bustle a-wagging,                       
Had George seeing stars, lolly-gagging.                     
When he asked, "How's chances?"                             
She spurned his advances,                                   
Saying, "Sorry, my interest is flagging."                   
                                                            
30174 HISTORY - U.S.                 Bob Giandomenico         



J. Edgar, he knew that the crux                             
Of gangster control, was big bucks.                         
Some said he was queer,                                     
But, that was a smear;                                      
It's the other Hoover that sucks!                           
                                                            
30175 HISTORY - U.S.                 Tyme 321                 



The damned Jap sons-of-bitches,                             
We made them wet their britches.                            
We grabbed our gun,                                         
And made them run,                                          
The goddamned sons-of-bitches.                              
                                                            
30176 HISTORY - U.S.                                     L0752



John Hancock's a name for a name.                           
How's that for a ticket to fame?                            
He wanted what Rex                                          
Could read without 'specs'                                  
And forfeit all claims to the same.                         
                                                            
30177 HISTORY - U.S.                 Laurence Perrine    P9501



In sea fights he took such delight,                         
That he cried through the flame-litten night,               
To the arrogant British,                                    
Who considered him skittish,                                
"I haven't yet started to fight."                           
                                                            
30178 HISTORY - U.S.                 Laurence Perrine    P9501



Korea that's called police action,                          
Vietnam with mixed public reaction;                         
We must honor all those,                                    
Gone to heroes repose,                                      
Care for wounded beyond mere abstraction.                   
                                                            
30179 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



When MacArthur left the concern,                            
How his girl-friends did yearn.                             
"Will you be back someday?                                  
Or are you fading away?"                                    
Said the General, "I shall return."                         
                                                            
30180 HISTORY - U.S.                 Ed Wolfert          P8212



Those fellows named Mason and Dixon                         
Were hoping the line they were fixin'                       
Would keep damn Yankee swells                               
From those sweet Southern Belles,                           
So bad blood with good blood ain't mixin'.                  
                                                            
30181 HISTORY - U.S.                 Warrick Elrod            



Both Mason/Dixon names are on                               
The list of patriots long gone.                             
Although some critics say                                   
That mere surveyors they.                                   
Who knows where the line is drawn?                          
                                                            
30182 HISTORY - U.S.                 Irving Superior     P9502



Heartfelt pain of past losses acute,                        
On Memorial Day, pay tribute;                               
All recalled July Fourth,                                   
In the south, in the north,                                 
To our finest arms raised in salute.                        
                                                            
30183 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



The war against Mexico fought,                              
Civil War oh so deep in our thought;                        
Any time blood is shed,                                     
We revere gallant dead,                                     
Even fights as with Spain that are short.                   
                                                            
30184 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



With historians I've had my fill.                           
They wrote, "Bunker" instead of "Breed's Hill".             
They pulled one more switcher,                              
Called "Molly Ewer", "Pitcher."                             
Will they change that? No, like Hell they will!             
                                                            
30185 HISTORY - U.S.                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0007



It's amazing to see with aplomb,                            
How revisionists decry "The Bomb",                          
But I've noticed, forsooth,                                 
Some reveal by their youth,                                 
They can't fully recall Viet Nam.                           
                                                            
30186 HISTORY - U.S.                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



Where once old prairie schooners did sail,                  
Filled with travelers weary and frail,                      
And the past is long gone,                                  
Bravely folks carry on                                      
With their skiing and condos at Vail.                       
                                                            
30187 HISTORY - U.S.                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



With the common folk, Jackson was thick;                    
At New Orleans that war ended quick.                        
It needn't been fought.                                     
That's what History's taught.                               
Making history was "Old Hickory's" shtick.                  
                                                            
30188 HISTORY - U.S.                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



Taxation without...(the quotation                           
Continues with)...representation                            
Is tyranny.                                                 
By Henry, P.                                                
Is BLAH when in versification.                              
                                                            
30189 HISTORY - U.S.                 Irving Superior     P8704



"One if by land" and Paul would veer                        
Into a tavern for one beer.                                 
"Two if by sea"                                             
And then would he                                           
Into a tavern, Paul re-veer.                                
                                                            
30190 HISTORY - U.S.                 Irving Superior     P8403



For his ride through the dark without fear,                 
Crying out that the British were near,                      
And also, of course,                                        
For his intrepid horse,                                     
We all must revere Paul Revere.                             
                                                            
30191 HISTORY - U.S.                 Laurence Perrine    P9501



That patriot, Paul Revere,                                  
Proclaimed, for all to hear,                                
"The British are coming                                     
And it's due to my humming                                  
Their flutes, for you see, I am queer."                     
                                                            
30192 HISTORY - U.S.                 Thomas G. Keller    P9501



Come listen, my children, and hear                          
Of midnight rides of Paul Revere:                           
He left his small spouse                                    
Asleep at the house                                         
And rode out to roger Kate Leer.                            
                                                            
30193 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



Two lights in her window he spied;                          
Was quiet as he slipped inside.                             
The two candles meant                                       
That he must prevent                                        
Her husband from hearing them ride.                         
                                                            
30194 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



The next night for Sweet Sue he yearned.                    
One candle in her window burned.                            
They played in the tub --                                   
Did much more than scrub.                                   
At last to her bed they adjourned.                          
                                                            
30195 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



Next night, while he tumbled Miss Dawn,                     
His little wife noticed him gone.                           
She hired a P.I.                                            
To poke, prod, and pry                                      
Into Paul's nocturnal hard-on.                              
                                                            
30196 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



He followed Paul out to Concord.                            
For Mrs. R., he drew his sword.                             
Paul was quite impressed,                                   
To which he confessed.                                      
The P.I. and Paul reached accord.                           
                                                            
30197 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



Paul and the P.I. got quite tight                           
And practiced maneuvers at night.                           
The ladies, neglected,                                      
Were feeling rejected;                                      
Their march on Concord was a sight!                         
                                                            
30198 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



With Kate, Sue and Dawn to lend clout                       
Paul's missus went after the lout.                          
Paul's spy sent the word                                    
That everyone heard:                                        
"The Bitches Are Coming!  Look OUT!"                        
                                                            
30199 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



In old Boston a hooker, we hear,                            
Charged ten in front, twenty in rear.                       
But for patriots she                                        
Gave it all and for free.                                   
She's immortal as the tail of Paul Revere.                  
                                                            
30200 HISTORY - U.S.                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Pony Express, mincing no words, required                    
Skinny guys, not yet eighteen desired,                      
Daily death risk occurred.                                  
Take note! Orphans preferred.                               
Twenty-five bucks per week for those hired.                 
                                                            
30201 HISTORY - U.S.                 Esther Koch         P0010



Putting all prejudice aside,                                
And resisting attempts to divide,                           
I have now discerned                                        
The tide has now turned;                                    
Racism now equals Black Pride.                              
                                                            
30202 HISTORY - U.S.                 Al Willis           T9710



There once was an old forty-niner,                          
Who chuckled that nothing was finer                         
That a lady called Red,                                     
Who would climb into bed                                    
When he promised to wine 'er and dine 'er.                  
                                                            
30203 HISTORY - U.S.                 Norm Storer         P9509



The Redcoats marched up Bunker Hill.                        
If they had heard, "Don't fire until..."                    
Or been more wise                                           
And closed their eyes,                                      
They'd probably be marching still.                          
                                                            
30204 HISTORY - U.S.                 Irving Superior     P8406



Our forebears fought ignominy                               
Dished out by Brits taxing tea.                             
Colonists got orders:                                       
Breach no Appalach borders.                                 
Victors don't bend a neck or a knee.                        
                                                            
30205 HISTORY - U.S.                 Esther Koch         P0209



"My home," Adams said, "is my castle                        
And I'll just not put up with this hassle.                  
Get stuffed, you dumb twit,                                 
Since you don't have a writ,                                
Tell George I'm no longer his vassal."                      
(comment of Sam Adams to Redcoat soldier)                   
30206 HISTORY - U.S.                                     p9409



The British are coming again!                               
As in days of George, Thomas, and Ben                       
Let's hide behind walls                                     
And blow off their balls;                                   
Been too quiet since then!                                  
                                                            
30207 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



"May my country be right all the time,'                     
Declaimed Stephen Decatur sublime.                          
"But may it be strong,                                      
Be it right, be it wrong,                                   
For it's always on its side that I'm."                      
                                                            
30208 HISTORY - U.S.                 Laurence Perrine    P9501



Unconquered was the West until -                            
Too many Indians to kill -                                  
Until that lucky man                                        
Found shining in his pan                                    
Some Yellow stuff at Sutter's Mill.                         
                                                            
30209 HISTORY - U.S.                 Irving Superior     P9509



The Congress in '76                                         
Knew King George was up to his tricks.                      
For too many years                                          
Taxes up to their ears,                                     
The last straw was his tax on tricks.                       
                                                            
30210 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



Complaints about that new Stamp Act                         
Were frequently based on the fact,                          
The stamps would unstick                                    
When given a lick,                                          
By suck-sessive tricks a whore sacked.                      
                                                            
30211 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



What they really wanted was glue                            
Guaran-damn-teed not to undo!                               
Glue, paste and gum tariffs,                                
Collected by sheriffs,                                      
Made retail costs high for that too!                        
                                                            
30212 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



As they wanted jollies at night,                            
They must be prepared then to fight!                        
But fighting for quim                                       
Would sound pretty dim,                                     
Two years it took to get it right.                          
                                                            
30213 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



No taxes unless represented!                                
But all taxes are still resented.                           
Congressional follies;                                      
Presidential jollies;                                       
We pay for the tricks. They're contented.                   
                                                            
30214 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



There was an old person named Lee,                          
Who came to the North to take tea;                          
But they offered him Mead(e),                               
And as that disagreed,                                      
He concluded to try Tennessee.                              
                                                            
30215 HISTORY - U.S.                                     P8202



The Brits tried 'rule shit' some years back,                
And got their ass kicked blue and black.                    
Don't start a new battle,                                   
We're not colony cattle;                                    
Up your as with the old Union Jack!                         
                                                            
30216 HISTORY - U.S.                 S C Saint                



A clever young fellow named Taft,                           
Caught his death in a Vietnamese draft.                     
His last words were, "Shit!                                 
I've been shot!"  Which shows wit.                          
I wonder why nobody laughed.                                
                                                            
30217 HISTORY - U.S.                 John Ciardi              



Revolution that gained independence,                        
Sons of liberty, valor transcendence;                       
1812 battles waged,                                         
The stouthearted engaged,                                   
With the red, white, and blue in ascendance.                
                                                            
30218 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



Don't dip your wick in a Wac,                               
Don't ride the breast of a Wave,                            
Just sit in the sand                                        
And do it by hand,                                          
And buy bonds with the money you save.                      
                                                            
30219 HISTORY - U.S.                                     L1360



World wars with so many courageous,                         
Long struggles against acts outrageous;                     
Common folk rally round,                                    
Patriots will abound,                                       
In those times when a foe may misgauge us.                  
                                                            
30220 HISTORY - U.S.                                          



Why'd the hat-feather dandy Yank Doodle                     
Wore over his kit and kaboodle,                             
For riding a pony,                                          
Get called macaroni?                                        
It lured young coquettes to canoodle.                       
                                                            
30221 HISTORY - U.S.                 Prof M-G                 



We gay boys can make Christmas merry!                       
By dressing up like a wee fairy,                            
And using a boy                                             
As our sexual toy,                                          
More fun than a hymen or cherry!!                           
                                                            
30222 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's to Jon, my favorite Iowan;                           
May Christmas come to you a flowin',                        
With holiday cheer,                                         
Right into next year.                                       
May the size of your tongue keep a growin'.                 
                                                            
30223 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Carol                    



To the two Franks and Arch raise your glass;                
May they always be blessed with class.                      
Though older than dirt,                                     
They'll chase any skirt,                                    
That comes along, wigglin' an ass.                          
                                                            
30224 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Carol                    



Here's to Trav, my favorite cowboy;                         
May you get a least one great toy,                          
That's not full of air,                                     
Or covered with hair,                                       
And only two legs to enjoy.                                 
                                                            
30225 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Carol                    



To Peter and Tiddy, the Brits;                              
May both of you keep all your wits                          
For many a year,                                            
'Cause us gals hold dear                                    
All of your divine English bits.                            
                                                            
30226 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Carol                    



To all of us gals in AJL,                                   
May someone ring our Christmas bell.                        
May we wake each day                                        
To no hairs of grey,                                        
And not is a sleazy motel.                                  
                                                            
30227 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Carol                    



For Christmas, Jay gave May a lay,                          
But he gives her a lay every day...                         
She sighed, "Holidays                                       
Makes my rear tired always,                                 
Can't we celebrate other ways, Jay?                         
                                                            
30228 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Grand Prix Lim  304      



Said St. Pat to his pal, Easter Bunny,                      
My job is the best for the money.                           
All I do is drink beer;                                     
You shit eggs out your rear,                                
Which I find exceedingly funny!                             
                                                            
30229 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Hooray, it's the first day of May!                          
I know I almost missed the day!                             
But I'll fill up the nook,                                  
By hook or by crook;                                        
Outdoor fucking, it starteth today.                         
                                                            
30230 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Tony Davie               



July the fourth means I'll have cole-                       
Slaw, barbecued ribs and a bowl                             
Of beans, and I'll raise                                    
The flag and then gaze,                                     
As she undulates on my pole.                                
                                                            
30231 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Travis Brasell           



Greet the New Tear with hot buttered rum;                   
Lewd lims we will toast 'til we're numb;                    
Pagan gods will not curse                                   
All our prurient verse;                                     
Dominis (now) vobis (you all) cum!                          
                                                            
30232 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



"Real Patriot" -- that's my friend Maury;                   
It's something I know a priori.                             
He bakes apple pies                                         
And Fourth of July's,                                       
He scores and then runs up Old Glory.                       
                                                            
30233 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Armand E Singer       504



A new year is ripe in the making                            
And so soon resolutions I'm breaking -                      
My poor body's abused                                       
With food, drugs and booze,                                 
And for sex, my poor balls ain't stopped aching!            
                                                            
30234 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Happy Birthday to my girlfriend belated,                    
Who's afraid that her beauty has faded.                     
Rest assured dear,                                          
If you show us your rear,                                   
We'll be standing in line to me mated.                      
                                                            
30235 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               MrMalo                   



We gay boys can make Christmas merry!                       
I'm Archibald, he's Bert and there's Jerry.                 
We all love dessert,                                        
Though I'm not sure of Bert;                                
Says he prefers his trifle in Sherry!                       
                                                            
30236 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Jim Weaver Collection    



I said, "Let's vacation in Spain."                          
My Charlie yelled, "No! Not again!                          
It just is not fair;                                        
Last time we were there.                                    
I spent my vacation in pain."                               
                                                            
30237 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



"With mad bulls, you forced me to run.                      
On the beach, I fried in the sun.                           
The food made me ill!                                       
Well, I've had my fill --                                   
This year I'll stay home and have fun."                     
                                                            
30238 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



"Miss Boobies, who lives down the street                    
Will be glad to massage my feet.                            
That Miss Wiggley-Butt                                      
Might act like a slut,                                      
But she'll fix me something to eat."                        
                                                            
30239 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



"I'll lay on the couch in the den                           
And watch football re-runs with Gwen.                       
Her backfield in motion                                     
Might give me the notion                                    
To play games if I get the yen."                            
                                                            
30240 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



"You can go vacation in Spain,                              
But I think I have more to gain                             
If I stay right here                                        
With girlies and beer --                                    
The king of my own home domain."                            
                                                            
30241 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



If he won't come with me, that's fine.                      
This year maybe I will take mine                            
In the South of France,                                     
Just doing love's dance                                     
Without Charlie's annoying whine.                           
                                                            
30242 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



He will be most sorry, I'm sure                             
To miss out on the Cote d'Azure                             
They sun in the nude                                        
And he could be crude                                       
While picking out his boff du jour.                         
                                                            
30243 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



(He's faithless and fickle, that man.                       
But he does things no one else can.                         
He has double joints                                        
At interesting points                                       
And tastes just like caramel flan.)                         
                                                            
30244 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



Still, Charlie's a pig and a fool.                          
He'll spend two weeks stuck on a stool                      
In his corner bar,                                          
Where all the men are                                       
Just hiding from wives, as a rule.                          
                                                            
30245 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY                                        



Friday night comes around once more,                        
And everyone runs for the door.                             
They've now got to choose                                   
Between sex, drugs, and booze,                              
For their weekending bachannal chore.                       
                                                            
30246 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               Andrew Walker            



Booze and drugs? Hurt me too much.                          
Sex? Well, I do like a touch.                               
But what I extol                                            
Is sweet rock and roll --                                   
Just dance, scream, sweat, wiggle and such.                 
                                                            
30247 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               H WHELCHEL               



I'm so glad I'm out of that race                            
And worry about making first base.                          
Just my pipe and a scotch,                                  
And a lady whose crotch                                     
Is sitting right there on my face.                          
                                                            
30248 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY               S C Saint                



What's that little girl?  Trick or treat?                   
Well come in, my dear little sweet.                         
Now take off your clothes,                                  
Adopt this spread pose,                                     
And now feel the size of my meat.                           
                                                            
30249 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN                            



I decided to go trick or treatin'.                          
When I knocked, this gal gave me a greetin'.                
She said, "Come on in,"                                     
I replied with a grin,                                      
"I must warn you that I haven't eaten."                     
                                                            
30250 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   Al Willis          TP9806



A homely young fellow named Sumpkin,                        
A kinky, depraved country bumpkin,                          
Was found in the night,                                     
'Neath a Halloween light,                                   
To be out having sex with a pumpkin.                        
                                                            
30251 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   Cap'n Bean          P0010



The kiddies who come trick-or-treating                      
Are in for an interesting greeting.                         
I scream out A TRICK!                                       
Then whip out my dick,                                      
And fart while I give it a beating!                         
                                                            
30252 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   H Whelchel               



King Fart heard his bell got ding-dong,                     
And opened the door to a throng                             
Of scary exhumed                                            
Ghoulies untombed,                                          
Waiting to smell his fart song!                             
                                                            
30253 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   Karen                    



For every last ghoulie in sight,                            
King Fart's show was such a delight,                        
The beat and the farts                                      
Go straight to the hearts                                   
Of all ghoulies on Halloween night.                         
                                                            
30254 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   Karen                    



An ugly old lady named Bitts,                               
On Halloween, took out her tits;                            
They tragically sagged                                      
And she screamed like a hag,                                
And she frightened me out of my wits.                       
                                                            
30255 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   Cap'n Bean          P0010



Last Halloween night we did meet                            
In a bar right off of main street.                          
With scarcely a pattern,                                    
She did jack my lantern;                                    
I found her trick quite a treat!                            
                                                            
30256 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN                            



She never did give me her name;                             
She used me for her little game.                            
Not that I'm complainin',                                   
It's just that I'm sayin,                                   
I'd like her to do it again.                                
                                                            
30257 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN                            



Unless there's another out there                            
Who thinks that they can compare                            
To the hot burnin' lovin'                                   
Of this mysterious woman,                                   
Who vanished right into thin air.                           
                                                            
30258 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN                            



I answer the door in bear slippers;                         
Give candy to all little nippers.                           
I'm not so amused                                           
At those who abuse;                                         
Two teenagers dressed up like strippers.                    
                                                            
30259 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN                            



Come dear, to the great pumpkin patch                       
And we'll play in the brambles and thatch.                  
You'll ride on my broom                                     
And if there is room,                                       
We'll play a great game in your snatch.                     
                                                            
30260 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   John Miller              



It's time now for goblins and witches,                      
And costumes that keep me in stitches.                      
While mom and big sisters                                   
Raise big penis blisters,                                   
It's a good thing the kids are not snitches.                
                                                            
30261 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   John Miller              



This monster you mention, in heat;                          
Peeking out of your denims - that's neat.                   
But what frightens me tru-                                  
Ly's the answer that you                                    
Give to me: Just a trick or real treat?                     
                                                            
30262 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - HALLOWEEN   Anon                     



On Thanksgiving Day I'll be lovin'                          
Each type of food fresh from your oven.                     
I'll eat lotsa meats                                        
And dessert type treats,                                    
As more than your turkey gets stuffin'                      
                                                            
30263 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Gearhart                 



And as the clock gets close to eight                        
I'm starting now to salivate.                               
Because I am certain                                        
We'll do more than flirtin'                                 
This Thanksgiving Holiday date.                             
                                                            
30264 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS                               



Thanksgiving is here, Lass and Lad --                       
Raise your glass in a toast and be glad                     
For the health and good cheer                               
You've had through the year --                              
And for all the fine fucking you've had!                    
                                                            
30265 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Jim Weaver Collection    



On Thanksgiving I give much thanks                          
For blessings of hussies and skanks,                        
With pussies that spasm,                                    
And I know who has 'em;                                     
The bitches are holed up at Franks!                         
                                                            
30266 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Travis Brasell           



A fellow who lived in the east                              
Was eating a Thanksgiving feast.                            
"This turkey is good,"                                      
He announced, "but I would                                  
Still prefer the roast ass of a beast."                     
                                                            
30267 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Cap'n Bean          P9911



Along with Thanksgiving turkey,                             
A Puritan gal quite perky                                   
Offered some extra fun                                      
To an indian son;                                           
His Thanksgiving turned out kinda jerky.                    
                                                            
30268 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS                               



Up on Nelly a fellow from Skivving                          
In the midst of his love cried, "That's living!"            
Said our Nell, on his isthmus,                              
"You may think that it's Christmas,                         
But to me it's a cause for Thanksgiving!"                   
                                                            
30269 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Grand Prix Lim  888      



Stud Henry be one of them mothers                           
Dig Thanksgiving more than the others --                    
Thanks the sisters a lot                                    
For their tits and their twat --                            
And for sharing it all with the brothers.                   
                                                            
30270 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Jim Weaver Collection    



My thanksgiving cook is now huffing                         
And puffing while she makes the fluffing,                   
For two lemon pies,                                         
While spreading her thighs,                                 
Enjoying my Thanksgiving stuffing.                          
                                                            
30271 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Travis                   



Said the farmer, while giving a leer,                       
"November is drawing quite near.                            
I was asked to prepare                                      
The Thanksgiving fare,                                      
And we're having stuffed turkey this year."                 
                                                            
30272 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Murphy                   



On that day, there were loud exclamations                   
Of delight, from his friends and relations.                 
They did not know, of course,                               
That his special white sauce,                               
Was produced by his ejaculations.                           
                                                            
30273 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - THANKS      Murphy                   



For this Valentine's day give her candy;                    
Cho-co-lats, pal, she'll think sure are dandy;              
Though she may grow a zit                                   
Right above her fat clit;                                   
That's tomorrow; tonight she'll be randy!                   
                                                            
30274 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



Truly, I ache for you, Joan.                                
If you like, I will lower the tone.                         
So what if your wedded?                                     
I need to be bedded                                         
And cured of this permanent bone.                           
                                                            
30275 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Peter Wilkins            



My dear, that's a terrible problem,                         
If you truly can't wobble or gobble 'em,                    
But be happy on Valentine's                                 
When your drinkin' yer Ballantines:                         
Ya won't have to squabble or bauble 'em!                    
                                                            
30276 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



I'll gladly be your Valentine                               
Tomorrow. If you would be mine.                             
I'd do you up proud,                                        
But hon, there's a crowd,                                   
And I don't want to wait in that line.                      
                                                            
30277 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Carol                    



And now you can join in my line;                            
I'm sure we can Valentine fine.                             
I'm now a new man;                                          
Your number one fan.                                        
For you I have given up kine.                               
                                                            
30278 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Archie                   



Oh Sonia, it seem such a waste                              
That girlies are more to your taste.                        
But dammit, my percy                                        
Is needing your mercy,                                      
In achingly imminent haste.                                 
                                                            
30279 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Peter Wilkins            



O, Valentine's day Limericks,                               
We're talking 'bout pussies and pricks,                     
True ladies I think,                                        
When you offer her dink,                                    
Might leave you right out in the sticks!                    
                                                            
30280 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



At Valentine greetings I curse;                             
I cannot imagine much worse                                 
Than roses and hearts                                       
And a cupid with darts                                      
Or that vacuous saccharine verse.                           
                                                            
30281 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



So sod it, I'm writing my own                               
To Lucy, Amanda and Joan                                    
And maybe some nurses                                       
With far better verses;                                     
That surely won't lower the tone.                           
                                                            
30282 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



I'll ply you with flowers and sweets,                       
Sweet nothings and diamonds and treats,                     
Sweetmeats and cakes;                                       
Whatever it takes                                           
To get you there under the sheets.                          
                                                            
30283 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  John Miller              



This Valentines I really hate,                              
And not 'cause I don't have a date.                         
I could go and pay                                          
A gal for a lay,                                            
But they've upped their hourly rate.                        
                                                            
30284 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Lightbulb                



My options are fast running out;                            
Though really, was there any doubt?                         
That this Valentine                                         
Old Percy is mine.                                          
(Tiddy Ogg, is she cured of her gout?)                      
                                                            
30285 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Lightbulb                



It will be quite painful, of course,                        
For her, so I'll apply less force.                          
If that's not cnough,                                       
I'll dive in her muff,                                      
But I worry my voice might get hoarse.                      
                                                            
30286 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Lightbulb                



I know that you're anyone's, Sandy,                         
When offered a lemonade shandy.                             
So Valentine's Day,                                         
Will you come out to play,                                  
If I promise to ply you with brandy?                        
                                                            
30287 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Peter Wilkins            



Today is the day of romance,                                
So let's go and dine and then dance                         
The night away, love,                                       
Beneath stars above;                                        
Somewhere that they don't require pants!                    
                                                            
30288 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



I think that I know just the place,                         
Where you don't even wear bits of lace.                     
The whole room is bare,                                     
Not even a chair,                                           
So I'll just have to sit on your face.                      
                                                            
30289 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



My face makes a right comfy chair;                          
My tongue licks a part in your hair.                        
And then I kiss up                                          
To find a b-cup,                                            
As my lips take some sips on your pair.                     
                                                            
30290 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



Now without my face for to sit on,                          
[Nips hard as I give you a tit-on!]                         
You'll see a huge stump                                     
Grow up from a lump,                                        
So get on and slide your sweet clit on!                     
                                                            
30291 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



Today is the feast of St Val,                               
The florist's and candy store's pal.                        
It costs you the earth,                                     
But maybe it's worth                                        
It, to open the legs of your gal.                           
                                                            
30292 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



I'm slamming it in you with love,                           
My charmingly sweet turtle dove.                            
On Valentine's Day                                          
I'll thrust all the way                                     
Inside to show what I'm made of!                            
                                                            
30293 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



Happy Valentine's Day to you ladies,                        
Whose loins make me hotter than hades;                      
And, to those who have left,                                
So deft with a cleft,                                       
That I still have a leak like Euphrates.                    
                                                            
30294 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



There once was a man caught off guard                       
When he forgot his Valentine's card.                        
But his gal had the laugh                                   
When she noticed his staff,                                 
And told him that things could stay hard.                   
                                                            
30295 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Remkle McSabbivy         



Valentine's Day got by me;                                  
No wishes from me did girls see;                            
I feel castigated,                                          
So here's one belated:                                      
"To all girls -- A Happy V.D.!"                             
                                                            
30296 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



I'm giving to all you my heart                              
Along with the bodily part...                               
s that throb and get wet,                                   
Which you love to pet                                       
And pierce with your arrow and darts.                       
                                                            
30297 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES                           



Oh my darling, my sweet Valentine;                          
Shall we celebrate with some wine?                          
From the prices list,                                       
Can't afford to get pissed.                                 
Let's forget it -- your place or mine?                      
                                                            
30298 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - VALENTINES  Tony Burrell             



My Christmas list this year is small;                       
In fact, I don't want much at all.                          
In me there's no greed,                                     
Just one thing I need:                                      
To fuck all the girls at the mall!                          
                                                            
30299 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



If you do your thing at the mall,                           
Please, don't do it out in the hall.                        
While watching you sowing,                                  
Won't look where I'm going.                                 
I'll trip over you and I'll fall.                           
                                                            
30300 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



Remember, we've Christmas to keep                           
Because shepherds refused to take sleep;                    
So, you gals who get presents                               
Should not speak in 'unpleasants'                           
About men who stay nightly with sheep!                      
                                                            
30301 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



December, December, December,                               
Makes me just want to dismember                             
Each flocked Christmas tree,                                
Each Grinch that I see,                                     
And Ebeneezer's wrinkled old member!                        
                                                            
30302 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Larry M                  



My Christmas tree, fragrant and plump,                      
Stands proudly on its massive stump;                        
And my Christmas fire                                       
Now makes me perspire,                                      
As I pump my Christmas whore's rump!                        
                                                            
30303 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



My dearest, my sweet boy so fair!                           
A partridge at home in a pear                               
Tree!  I just love you...                                   
Thank heaven above, too...                                  
With you, it has answered my prayer.                        
                                                            
30304 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Two turtle doves!  Oh how sweet!                            
A billing and cooing dear treat...                          
My thanks and my love                                       
To you, my own dove...                                      
By your gifts, I am swept off my feet!                      
                                                            
30305 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Really my love, you're too kind.                            
The French Hens arrived and I signed                        
For these feathery three.                                   
You're too good to me.                                      
Your largesse just boggles the mind.                        
                                                            
30306 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Four calling Birds?  They are cute,                         
But, my pet, you have won your love-suit                    
I'm really all yours,                                       
But I have other chores                                     
And ten birds all 'round sure pollute.                      
                                                            
30307 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Dear Heart!  You sent birds as hors d'oeuvres!              
But my sweet...your financial reserves?                     
These five golden rings                                     
A wealth of joy brings,                                     
Soothing my squawked at raw nerves.                         
                                                            
30308 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



On my porch I found six geese a-laying!                     
Birds again!  John are you playing                          
A juvenile game?                                            
Nervous breakdown your aim?                                 
The poop and the noise are dismaying.                       
                                                            
30309 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



In my pool, seven swans all a-swimming...                   
My filter all clogged from poop-skimming!                   
Twenty three birds                                          
All squirting turds...                                      
With avian shit, my life's brimming!                        
                                                            
30310 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Just what in the hell do I do                               
With these cows and their teat-pulling crew?                
An octet of maids                                           
Just angling for AIDS                                       
As they prattle 'bout who they'll next screw!               
                                                            
30311 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Pipers with pipes?  You shithead!                           
Pie-piped the eight maids in my bed...                      
While the ninth piper waited,                               
He viciously mated                                          
With the fowl, leaving six of them dead!                    
                                                            
30312 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



"Ladies" you call them?  These sluts?                       
With pipers' priaps up their butts?                         
I've nine back-door whores                                  
Spread out on all fours,                                    
While the tenth, with the maids, works on nuts!             
                                                            
30313 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Your balls I will bind with wet cords                       
For sending these sex-obsessed lords;                       
A-leaping and lunging,                                      
Their phalluses plunging                                    
Into birds, into cows, into bawds!                          
                                                            
30314 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Dear Sir: Please be advised, Mr. Green,                     
We represent Agnes Steen                                    
Whom you've driven insane                                   
With your brutal campaign                                   
Of harrassment, depraved and obscene.                       
                                                            
30315 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Those auto-sexed fiddlers you sent                          
Maniacally fiddled then spent                               
Twelve gallons or more                                      
All over her floor...                                       
She slipped and she fell...You'll repent!                   
                                                            
30316 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Still, I hope you have a nice time                          
And your holiday is sublime.                                
I hope you don't freeze it,                                 
'Fore ever I sees it,                                       
'Cause, wherever, that may be a crime!                      
                                                            
30317 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



Since merry's the order of the day,                         
There's not much for me to say.                             
But to wish one and all:                                    
Stand bright and tall,                                      
And enjoy every Christmas lay.                              
                                                            
30318 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Esther                   



We gay boys can make Christmas merry!                       
In ways that some folks think are scary;                    
A phallic symbol in lights,                                 
Big elves dressed in tights,                                
With all cheeks red and quite hairy!                        
                                                            
30319 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Jim Weaver Collection    



We gay boys can make Christmas merry!                       
He's Joe, that's Doc and I'm Terry.                         
I don't really mock                                         
When Joe puts cock in Doc,                                  
But I can't resist calling him "Fairy"!                     
                                                            
30320 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        FCA                      



Break out the booze, sing a song;                           
Christmas is near, not too long.                            
Perhaps I'll get kissed                                     
By a chap who's not pissed                                  
To have me play around with his dong.                       
                                                            
30321 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        J                        



The presents are under the tree,                            
And yet there is not one for me.                            
I don't ask for much;                                       
A card, rose, or such.                                      
Merry fucking Christmas to me!                              
                                                            
30322 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



We gay boys can make Christmas merry!                       
We're Santa's elves, Chaz, Screech, and Perry.              
The work we don't mind                                      
When we screw from behind;                                  
We never popped any girl's cherry!                          
                                                            
30323 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Jim Weaver Collection    



To all of you guys here, I'll blow                          
A kiss from 'neath my mistletoe.                            
And for the new year                                        
I'll spread my good cheer,                                  
And not once accept any dough.                              
                                                            
30324 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Carol                    



Hope this Christmas will bring you joy,                     
And that you get at least one new toy,                      
That when you assemble,                                     
It just might resemble                                      
That cute well-hung neighborhood boy.                       
                                                            
30325 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Carol                    



For Christmas, I nothing deserve;                           
Get nothing for being a perv.                               
Take Santa's reindeer,                                      
Get into their rear,                                        
And deliver the ace I can serve.                            
                                                            
30326 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



By the time I am done with the buck,                        
Their navigational skills will suck.                        
Poor Santa'll be lost                                       
But at extra cost,                                          
I might just give him a fuck                                
                                                            
30327 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



I hope you will be "in the 'pink'"                          
And not in the brown or the stink.                          
As New Year approaches,                                     
I don't wish you roaches,                                   
Just good fucking, great food, and drink.                   
                                                            
30328 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



On Christmas Eve night, gather 'round                       
My hearth where it's warm and my hound                      
Enjoys a good scratch                                       
Of her itching snatch;                                      
'Tis where tales of love can be found.                      
                                                            
30329 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



For instance, you'll hear the love story                    
Of Jane and the night she sang "Glory,                      
The Angels Ascended"                                        
When her twat descended                                     
On Vicar McShaw's 'hunky-dory.'                             
                                                            
30330 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



And what would Yule be without telling                      
Why AJL's ladies start yelling                              
When AJL's guys                                             
Are squeezed by their thighs;                               
(A clue: Has to do with what's swelling.)                   
                                                            
30331 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



All ladies and gents who are able                           
Can act out their own Christmas fable,                      
Until light of day,                                         
In mangers of hay,                                          
Out under the star o'er my stable.                          
                                                            
30332 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



Ask no more of stories: "Who has'em?"                       
'Tis by my warm fireside, you'll spasm                      
With laughter from yarns                                    
I've spun in my barns,                                      
That deal with -- you guessed it -- orgasm!                 
                                                            
30333 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



We gay boys can make Christmas merry!                       
With our big nuts so hairy.                                 
We will both butt fuck                                      
Till we both bust a nut;                                    
You should try it -- it's not scary.                        
                                                            
30334 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Jim Weaver Collection    



A faithful parishioner, Fred,                               
Was humping some girl he'd misled.                          
Preferring to miss mass                                     
Because it was Christmas,                                   
And open his presents in bed.                               
                                                            
30335 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Armand E Singer       486



My 'wish' list this Christmas is small;                     
I just want some pussy, that's all.                         
From ninety rich ladies                                     
Who each own Mercedes,                                      
Who'll spend on me, scads at the mall!                      
                                                            
30336 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



I understand wanting the muff                               
Of ninety-odd women with stuff;                             
But if all of you are                                       
Going to ride in one car,                                   
You had better be dressed in the buff!                      
                                                            
30337 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Brian                    



But now, my holiday mood                                    
Grows large when I think of that brood                      
Of 'ninety-ish' girls                                       
In their diamonds and pearls                                
And Mercedes, with me driving nude!                         
                                                            
30338 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



Now if you're a limerick sage,                              
With this thing I can't quite engage;                       
Your strange predilection                                   
For such a connection --                                    
Is ninety the number or age?                                
                                                            
30339 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tiddy Ogg                



Maiden Veronica's plight                                    
Was caused by a terrible fight                              
Between her love true                                       
And a barbarian who,                                        
In the field left no holey knight.                          
                                                            
30340 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



This story is true, please believe,                         
This girl, so as not to concieve,                           
Would stick to sex, oral,                                   
In liaisons immoral...                                      
They called her, of course, kiss-mast Eve.                  
                                                            
30341 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



I'm wishing you holiday joy                                 
With your favorite girl or sweet boy.                       
But as for myself,                                          
From Santa's workshelf,                                     
I'm gonna pick me a man-toy!                                
                                                            
30342 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



A girl by the name of Remember                              
Would keep a nice man till December.                        
Then if she was miffed                                      
For lack of a gift,                                         
Would sear the nice man to an ember.                        
                                                            
30343 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Paul Waterman            



My wife once subscribed to McCalls                          
And read how to deck out the halls.                         
She went Christmas shopping,                                
Said to a clerk mopping,                                    
"I heard that you have big red balls?"                      
                                                            
30344 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



The clerk did not know what to do,                          
But thought for a moment or two.                            
He then unzipped his pants                                  
And said after a glance,                                    
"Small balls...but they have a red hue!"                    
                                                            
30345 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



As Christmas approaches, I say:                             
Dear Santa, just send me a lay                              
From one of the males,                                      
Whose limerick tales                                        
I've missed since I've been long away.                      
                                                            
30346 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        P Statio Nuts            



On counting the crotches being kneaded,                     
It seems that your plea is being heeded.                    
So give me a call                                           
And we'll have a ball,                                      
If none of these pricks have succeeded.                     
                                                            
30347 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



If your not spreading good cheer and it's free,             
Then come here and sit on my knee.                          
Let's play Santa Claus;                                     
You'll love it because                                      
The best toy I've got's, part of me.                        
                                                            
30348 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Carol                    



As the Christmas season draws near,                         
I want to wish all my friends in here;                      
Tis the season to be in Holly                               
Or maybe it was Polly                                       
Oh Well! I am spreading Christmas cheer.                    
                                                            
30349 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



This Christmas I wanted to take,                            
A vacation; I need a break,                                 
From cold weather, shopping,                                
And relatives popping,                                      
In and out...oh how my feet ache!                           
                                                            
30350 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Carol                    



And so I called Jon on the phone,                           
To see if he'd make me a loan.                              
He sent me some dough,                                      
But wouldn't you know,                                      
There's strings attached...right to his bone.               
                                                            
30351 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



And what is dear Jon's interest rate?                       
How often does he get to mate?                              
My interest-free loan                                       
May not make you moan,                                      
But surely will make him irate.                             
                                                            
30352 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        SFA                      



Jon's interest is rated quite high,                         
And compounded daily; that's why                            
My high interest loan                                       
Always gets a moan,                                         
As payments trickle down my thigh.                          
                                                            
30353 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Carol                    



Sweet Carol makes my interest rise                          
(Especially the bit 'twixt my thighs).                      
Her clitoral collateral                                     
Gets my briefs all splatteral,                              
And causes returns of great size.                           
                                                            
30354 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Jon Gearhart             



Christmas dinner went with a swing;                         
Grandpa choked on a small bit of wing.                      
He said he felt quite a turd,                               
'Cause he had stuffed the bird;                             
Burnt his knob 'cause the bird was roasting.                
                                                            
30355 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Anon                     



Christmas is coming!  Way hey!                              
What new can we give on this day?                           
There's vibrating knickers                                  
To give Granny titters,                                     
And make the old lady feel gay.                             
                                                            
30356 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS        Tony Burrell             



Well, it is the right time for sharing,                     
Forgiving, forgetting, gift bearing.                        
So this Christmas Day                                       
I wish you a lay;                                           
Your virginal hymens' a'tearing.                            
                                                            
30357 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



I've written a holiday song;                                
I'll sing it -- it won't take too long:                     
"Oh, Christmas is coming...                                 
[This measure's for humming...]                             
....As slow as this gal on my dong!"                        
                                                            
30358 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



How nice that you took time to write,                       
A holiday song; what delight!                               
You're so versatile;                                        
In that Dixie style,                                        
You can hum(p) Christmas Carol's all night.                 
                                                            
30359 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



'Twas the night before Christmas in Dixie                   
And Travis was down with young Trixie.                      
She was whistling and humming,                              
While Travis was cumming,                                   
Inside the mouth of that sweet pixie.                       
                                                            
30360 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



But she was too slow for his liking;                        
He needed a blond headed Viking.                            
So he made a call                                           
And said "Come visit y'all!"                                
And Christmas Carol came quickly biking.                    
                                                            
30361 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



She brought along Jon and who else?                         
The AJL guys and the gals                                   
And they had orgasms                                        
That left them in spasms                                    
Well into the new year -- what pals!                        
                                                            
30362 HOLIDAYS - BAWDY - XMAS                                 



I now have some news that is cool:                          
Today they have cancelled all school!                       
So stay home, lie in bed...                                 
Did you do as I said?                                       
April Fool, April Fool, April Fool.                         
                                                            
30363 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Prof M-G           TP9804



Happy Cinco de Mayo, today!                                 
I will celebrate this holiday                               
When I make love tonight;                                   
I will screw with delight                                   
And will give an orgasmic Ole!                              
                                                            
30364 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Travis Brasel            



I've thought every now and again,                           
This Italian, who went to some pain,                        
Did all of his work,                                        
For title and perk                                          
And glory and wealth of old Spain.                          
                                                            
30365 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Chris Papa               



And so it is fitting today,                                 
To note in a non-PC way,                                    
If the figures are right,                                   
The time is in sight,                                       
When Hispanics, here will hold sway.                        
                                                            
30366 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Chris Papa               



When that comes, I'm willing to bet,                        
Besides change in language, we'll get,                      
To cancel out Chris,                                        
Just so we won't miss                                       
The Ponce De Leon Offset.                                   
                                                            
30367 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Chris Papa               



Easter's coming next week, do you care?                     
Are you planning to go to the Fair,                         
And eat all those homemade                                  
Pies, cakes, and marmalade,                                 
And find goodies from that old hare?                        
                                                            
30368 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Ystap              TP9804



Easter bunnies are known to be rare                         
If the feast's held in March, and a hare                    
Has few spring days to mate...                              
But this year Easter's late --                              
There'll be bunnies galore, everywhere!                     
                                                            
30369 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Prof M-G           TP9804



If this Sunday you sit on your keister                      
'Round the table to enjoy a feaster,                        
Please in some special way                                  
Have a very nice day,                                       
And to you may I say "Happy Easter!"                        
                                                            
30370 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN                                        



So why are you calling, you creep;                          
It's Easter, I'm trying to sleep.                           
So unless your a rabbit                                     
With a chocolate habit,                                     
Leave your name at the sound of the beep.                   
                                                            
30371 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               MrMalo                   



If you are a rabbit, I swear,                               
You must have a magical pair.                               
Let's meet in the kitchen                                   
With your beauties a-drippin',                              
I'll lick the milk chocolate from there.                    
                                                            
30372 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Audrey                   



It really hasn't been very funny                            
To fall head over heels for a bunny.                        
I'm afraid that my bind                                     
May cost me my mind,                                        
All I think of's soft chocolate and honey.                  
                                                            
30373 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Audrey                   



My sad story doesn't end there;                             
My dream disappeared in thin air.                           
Now I know that she's                                       
La Belle Dame sans Merci,                                   
And she's gone with her soft chocolate pears.               
                                                            
30374 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Audrey                   



Your milk chocolate is so delicious                         
And it's also very nutritious.                              
Please give me a treat                                      
Outside in the street,                                      
And we'll shock the ultra-fastidious.                       
                                                            
30375 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Audrey                   



Oh! Easter! The bliss and the singing,                      
The church-bells a-donging and dinging.                     
But the hymns not the thing                                 
That makes my mind sing.                                    
No!  It's the CHOCOLATE the Rabbit is bringing!             
                                                            
30376 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN                                        



I wish you a good holiday,                                  
With laughter and loving and play.                          
With family around,                                         
Good cheer will abound.                                     
Enjoy yourself, that's what I say.                          
                                                            
30377 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Marlene Lewis            



From Joanna, your most loyal fan ---                        
The daughter of one truly great man:                        
I've been very proud;                                       
You stand out in a crowd;                                   
You're the Dad with matchless elan.                         
                                                            
30378 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



This year we are having it thrice;                          
In eight weeks we are having it twice.                      
If you're superstituous,                                    
'98's inauspicious!                                         
Be careful, don't walk on thin ice!                         
                                                            
30379 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               John Miller              



Though she quite often walks and makes jokes,               
Her volunteer work helps other folks!                       
And at Mass each day,                                       
You may hear her pray                                       
That her golf game improves by four strokes.                
                                                            
30380 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



So Mom, on this special birthday,                           
We're all here to toast you and say:                        
Go play eighteen holes                                      
And reach all your goals,                                   
But stay as nice as you are here today.                     
                                                            
30381 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



The second of Feb, Groundhog Day,                           
Punxsutawney of Penn. had his say.                          
In the future he seeks                                      
For another six weeks,                                      
Will Winter keep Springtime away.                           
                                                            
30382 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Mul                      



Of Parliament, Guy Fawkes was no member,                    
So he plotted to kindle an ember.                           
On his first bonfire night,                                 
Guy forgot to ignite...                                     
But remembers now every November.                           
                                                            
30383 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Prof M-G            T9711



Through the heavens discovery zooms,                        
While escorted by witches on brooms,                        
Who've been sent in to chase                                
It from spooks' private space,                              
To protect Halloween, one assumes!                          
                                                            
30384 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN                                        



So filthy was Herbert P. Yew,                               
Both water and soap he'd eschew.                            
Except once a year                                          
He'd bathe so he'd hear                                     
Folks sing, "Happy Bathday to You."                         
                                                            
30385 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Irving Superior     P9206



He's passed the half century mark;                          
With his wit, he's full of life's spark.                    
We've gather to say                                         
Have a Happy Birthday,                                      
Then we'll leave, but not till it's dark.                   
                                                            
30386 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Jim Weaver Collection    



To sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY is fun,                              
But soon HAPPY BIRTHDAY is done.                            
Next day, what to do?                                       
Replace the TO YOU,                                         
And sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLUS ONE.                           
                                                            
30387 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Irving Superior     P8612



Let's sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLUS ONE.                         
And next day, PLUS TWO (ain't this fun!)                    
Three hundred six four.                                     
By Gosh, one day more                                       
And then HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLUS NONE.                          
                                                            
30388 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Irving Superior     P8612



Two boyos while slaking their thirst                        
Wondered who first would be cursed                          
On St Patrick's day,                                        
To stay home and play                                       
With the kiddies and eat till he burst.                     
                                                            
30389 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Anon                     



A day off from work, Easter Sunday,                         
And Presidents' Day's on a Monday,                          
And birthdays, like King's,                                 
July the Fourth flings,                                     
And now there's Attila the Hun Day.                         
                                                            
30390 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Travis Brasell           



We have some days off to remember,                          
And Christmas, of course, in December;                      
There's also Thanksgiving,                                  
And days just for living.                                   
And New Year's to drink and get limber.                     
                                                            
30391 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Travis Brasell           



We've Halloween, Flag Day and more,                         
Like Valentine's Day to adore                               
Our "Loves"; then there's Mother's                          
And Father's Days; others                                   
Like Hanukkuh, Kwanza, and four                             
                                                            
30392 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Travis Brasell           



More holidays added each year,                              
Along with our 'sick days' (oh dear);                       
We 'Merkins' pay tax                                        
And need to relax,                                          
So give us an "Off Day," ya hear"                           
                                                            
30393 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Travis Brasell           



Retirement's a wonderful thing                              
When the bell for the last time does ring.                  
And then sure enough,                                       
We get every day off,                                       
And life really goes with a swing!                          
                                                            
30394 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Tony Burrell             



One hand bestows the holidays,                              
While the other hand takes them away;                       
There ain't no lunch free --                                
Mandatory O.T. (overtime)                                   
In the long run, sees to it we pay!                         
                                                            
30395 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dr Limerick              



I think it is needed to say,                                
In salute on this Mother's Day,                             
A time for our, "Thanks",                                   
To those in their ranks,                                    
Who help our old world on its way.                          
                                                            
30396 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Chris Papa               



How ironic that Mom passed away                             
On this bright sunny warm Mother's Day.                     
Now I can love Mother                                       
As I love no other:                                         
She'd be so proud to know I'm not gay!                      
                                                            
30397 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               John Miller 0327         



They nuture with infinite care,                             
Are Love with a countenance fair,                           
Protect and give aid,                                       
Fix messes we've made,                                      
And show equanimity rare.                                   
                                                            
30398 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Chris Papa               



They're sirens of sweet Mercy's call,                       
And ;help us get up when we fall,                           
They toil without pause,                                    
Are jewels, because,                                        
Without them, we're nothing at all!                         
                                                            
30399 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Chris Papa               



I tell you the crabby old witch                             
Is a regular naggin' old bitch.                             
The smelly old critter                                      
Is twisted and bitter.                                      
I wish she would drown in a ditch.                          
                                                            
30400 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               PeterW                   



Springtime means one thing for sure:                        
Another Mother's Day gift to endure.                        
"It's the thought," I remind,                               
But what thought's behind                                   
A truckload of topsoil and manure?                          
                                                            
30401 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Latte Lady               



My mother-in-law is a cow;                                  
And I know it's not Mother's Day now.                       
But is there a reason                                       
The mom-in-law season                                       
Should last just a day, anyhow?                             
                                                            
30402 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               PeterW                   



For forty years Joe's led the band,                         
Done trips, parades and concerts grand;                     
Four decades of teens                                       
Know what music means;                                      
A record we hope will always stand.                         
                                                            
30403 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



Retirement is not a time to mourn                           
Or a day to speak a lot of corn.                            
For our music man,                                          
'Tis a time to plan,                                        
But it's also a time to toot your horn!                     
                                                            
30404 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



I'm so glad to have you all here --                         
And to have Dick's retirement near.                         
He has had his say,                                         
So this is my way                                           
To make his new life very clear!                            
                                                            
30405 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



In Cyprus we'll have our own pool.                          
So picture Dick playing it cool:                            
With sunglasses on,                                         
A sportshirt he'll don,                                     
Yes, life will be horribly cruel!                           
                                                            
30406 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



However, 'cause a pool must be clean.                       
Our retiree must keep it pristine.                          
He'll relax until                                           
He learns a new skill;                                      
He will wield a mean vacuum machine.                        
                                                            
30407 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



So while Dick makes the pool water pure,                    
I can go out for my manicure.                               
Yes, our warm new life                                      
Will charm Dick's wife                                      
And now has a double allure!                                
                                                            
30408 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



Thanksgiving is over -- Hooray!                             
Soon it will be Christmas day.                              
And then New Years Eve,                                     
'Fore Valentines we've                                      
Got more holidays on the way.                               
                                                            
30409 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Ardens                   



For the Irish, we've got St. Pat,                           
Then Easter -- what do you think of that?                   
Memorial                                                    
July 4th full                                               
Of fireworks and sparkly hats.                              
                                                            
30410 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Arden                    



Labor day?  We've got it made.                              
Columbus?  He gets a parade.                                
Don't be a meanie                                           
Next Halloweeny,                                            
When goblins your houses invade.                            
                                                            
30411 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Arden                    



I see we both share the same creed;                         
Less week and more weekend, we need.                        
A holiday each week                                         
And we'll have, so to speak,                                
A good beginning on heaven, indeed.                         
                                                            
30412 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Azul                     



We have some days off to 'remember',                        
And Christmas, of course, in December;                      
There's also Thanksgiving,                                  
And days for just living,                                   
And New Year's to drink and get limber.                     
                                                            
30413 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN                                        



In Limerick, they tie up the streets                        
With poets who, begging for sweets,                         
Recite day and night                                        
With doggerel delight,                                      
Deluding themselves that they're Yeats.                     
                                                            
30414 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Anon                     



St Paddy's day was such a treat;                            
The sun shone and we all felt the heat.                     
The bands were quite smashing,                              
With uniforms dashing;                                      
All in all, the whole days was so neat.                     
                                                            
30415 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Mul                      



The corned beef and cabbage was nice.                       
That feast is my only one vice.                             
Keep your old mutton;                                       
For me I'm a glutton,                                       
So much so that I had it twice.                             
                                                            
30416 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Mul                      



To all of my internet friends,                              
As this sunny and greeny day ends,                          
I went to my vault,                                         
Extracted a malt,                                           
And Salute! this old fucker sends.                          
                                                            
30417 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Mul                      



Kevin will join all the fun and say                         
'Twas a great time this Saint Patrick's Day.                
The Irish are keen;                                         
We all wore the green;                                      
I hope next March, the rainbow will stay!                   
                                                            
30418 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Dick Hull                



As we celebrate Veteran's Day,                              
Right here in the U. S. of A.                               
Let us not forget                                           
That we're in their debt,                                   
For the ultimate price some did pay.                        
                                                            
30419 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN               Carol                    



To the parents whose bundle of joy                          
Caused elation that's not at all coy:                       
We all give a cheer                                         
And toast you right here,                                   
As you welcome your new little boy.                         
                                                            
30420 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



She's a beauty and surely a pearl,                          
Your new bundle of love all a-curl.                         
We send our congrats,                                       
And take off our hats                                       
To the folks with their new baby girl!                      
                                                            
30421 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



And now that you're parents, don't weep                     
But allow us a thought very deep:                           
We say, Mom and Dad                                         
Please do not be sad,                                       
But it's weeks 'til that first good night's sleep!          
                                                            
30422 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



Hannah, have the best birthday ever;                        
I hope you're a great friend forever.                       
We're two weeks apart,                                      
Which is a good start,                                      
For a friendship we cannot sever!                           
                                                            
30423 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



She is funny, kindhearted and proud.                        
And we gather to cheer her out loud!                        
'Cause our fair lady                                        
This day is eighty --                                       
With a life that's been richly endowed.                     
                                                            
30424 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



As your birthday is the twenty-first,                       
You can say today you rehearsed.                            
And tonight it's fine                                       
To drink more wine;                                         
In your honor, we slake our thirst.                         
                                                            
30425 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



A good friend by the name of Jim                            
Turned sixty with plenty of vim.                            
Though he may sleep late                                    
His stamina's great,                                        
And doesn't need to head for the gym.                       
                                                            
30426 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



As Anne Marie hits the big SIX-O                            
Come to our home and go with the flow;                      
Wear green if you can                                       
For this Ireland fan,                                       
It;ll flush her cheeks with a healthy glow.                 
                                                            
30427 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



Jim's capacity for gin with lime                            
And ability to dance on a dime,                             
Mean he and his wife                                        
Are still full of life,                                     
And it's not yet Viagra time!                               
                                                            
30428 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



At this party you'll greet friends and kin,                 
You'll get to watch some shamrocks spin.                    
And you'll surely see                                       
Our Anne Marie,                                             
Turn sixty with an Irish grin.                              
                                                            
30429 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY    Dick Hull                



There's a lady who turns mumble three                       
(She's many years younger than me)                          
And she is no klutz,                                        
Though she signs herself "Nutz".                            
Heres hoping her birthday's happy!                          
                                                            
30430 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - BIRTHDAY                             



He said "I'm collecting for two."                           
On my porch you're not - catch a clue!                      
A costume you lack;                                         
Have you lost the knack?                                    
Can't say it, can't do it - Fuck you!                       
                                                            
30431 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN                            



On Halloween night, I'm the reaper;                         
I'm the silent and ominous creeper;                         
I'm the Angel of Death                                      
Moving quiet as breath,                                     
So don't give me away with my beeper!                       
                                                            
30432 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Cap'n Bean          P0310



Halloween is one hell of a chore,                           
Getting dressed in the spirit of gore;                      
But along with the fright,                                  
There's a tasty delight                                     
In the candy I find at each door!                           
                                                            
30433 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Cap'n Bean          P0310



An ominous Halloween night,                                 
When the moon is so eerily bright;                          
I savor it well,                                            
For it's creepy as hell,                                    
And infuses the children with fright.                       
                                                            
30434 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Cap'n bean          P0010



The covers are off all my drains,                           
I've wired the bell push to the mains.                      
I'm sure going to beat,                                     
Those damned trick or treat-                                
ers, by drowning or frying their brains.                    
                                                            
30435 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN                            



And if the sods still won't vamoose,                        
It gives me the perfect excuse                              
To open the kennel,                                         
For the ultimate penal-                                     
ty, letting my rottweiler loose.                            
                                                            
30436 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN                            



Now you all may think me a prick,                           
But I think it's quite a good trick;                        
And the dog gets a treat,                                   
Something different to eat;                                 
I just hope they don't make him sick.                       
                                                            
30437 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN                            



This crisp air makes my heart flip-flop                     
And shining dark evenings are tops --                       
Halloween's creeping near                                   
With fireworks in its rear,                                 
And then crackers explode with big pops.                    
                                                            
30438 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Lucy                     



The French I have heard are all huffy,                      
Xenophobic and stupidly stuffy,                             
About Halloween.                                            
They think it's obscene                                     
And culturally merdey and scruffy.                          
                                                            
30439 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Tutta Gioia              



It's the one time of the year                               
That I can go 'round without fear                           
That someone will gag                                       
Or barf in a bag;                                           
They just say "Great costume, my dear!"                     
                                                            
30440 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Marlene Lewis            



An old zombie who lived in a shoe,                          
Plagued with maggots, so what did she do?                   
She washed them all clean,                                  
And painted them green,                                     
And Halloween, gave them out, shouting Boo!                 
                                                            
30441 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Allen Wolverton          



I heard this and it made me shake;                          
Of maggots I never partake.                                 
They really are icky;                                       
I prefer to be picky                                        
And stick to the chocolate and cake.                        
                                                            
30442 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Tickettyboo              



We'd Halloween treats from store shelves                    
To give out, but no trick-or-treat elves                    
Rang our bell -- heavy rain                                 
Kept them home without gain.                                
So we'll eat all the candy ourselves.                       
                                                            
30443 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Prof M-G            T9711



I scooped out the flesh of a pumpkin;                       
I carved on the face of a bumpkin;                          
Went disguised to my folks.                                 
They saw through my hoax.                                   
Try as you might, you can't stump kin.                      
                                                            
30444 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Prof M-G            T9710



A shape-shifting shadow surprise                            
In the corner of one of your eyes;                          
The hoot of an owl,                                         
Black cat on the prowl,                                     
And me in my witchy disguise.                               
                                                            
30445 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Karen                    



Jack o' Lantern's evil leer,                                
Glimmers of shadowy fear,                                   
A shape in the dark,                                        
The Evil one's mark,                                        
The ghosts and the spirits are here.                        
                                                            
30446 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Karen                    



My black cat familiar and I                                 
Shall hop on my broomstick and fly                          
'Cross the full moon;                                       
See us and swoon.                                           
This may be your night to die.                              
                                                            
30447 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Karen                    



Beware of the shadowy moon;                                 
Hark to the trill of the loon.                              
Their warning conveys                                       
The strangest of days;                                      
It'll be All Hallows Eve all too soon.                      
                                                            
30448 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Azul                     



The night that the witches take flight,                     
The dead arise to give us a fright.                         
So if out with your honey,                                  
Don't think it is funny                                     
If he disappears 'round midnight.                           
                                                            
30449 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Azul                     



Here we sit on All Hallow's Eve;                            
Witches, goblins, would you believe,                        
Come here seeking treats,                                   
Else mischievous feats                                      
Are threatened without a reprieve.                          
                                                            
30450 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Daniel Ford              



So we hand over the candy                                   
To little ghouls and one dandy,                             
A gangster baddy                                            
(Little's ones' daddy)                                      
Flashlight and walking stick handy.                         
(Who's hoping Mommy stays randy.)                           
30451 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Daniel Ford              



Although we intend just to "treat" them,                    
And with bags of candy would greet them,                    
The kids on the block,                                      
Can't overcome shock,                                       
Of having two Dobermans meet them.                          
                                                            
30452 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Chris Papa               



The ghostly green ghoul that's alight,                      
Will hardly stir feelings of fright,                        
But Dobes on a "sit,"                                       
Do scare them a bit,                                        
They think they are going to bite.                          
                                                            
30453 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Chris Papa               



The cackling witch off on her broom,                        
Won't give 'em a portent of doom;                           
Their terror defines,                                       
In well bred canines,                                       
Who welcome them into the room.                             
                                                            
30454 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Chris Papa               



After great deal of soothing is said,                       
They'll give furtive touch on dog's head,                   
And since they're so brave,                                 
The "tricks" part we'll waive,                              
And give them their just "treats", instead.                 
                                                            
30455 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Chris Papa               



The ghosts and the goblins will soon                        
Be rompin' 'round 'neath a dark moon.                       
But I'll give no sweets                                     
Nor other nice treats;                                      
I'll be at the local saloon.                                
                                                            
30456 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Observer                 



Our physical attributes might                               
Give some other people a fright.                            
But it is not fair                                          
For them to just stare;                                     
After all, it's Halloween Night!                            
                                                            
30457 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Marlene Lewis            



Nothing can beat Halloween                                  
For over indulgence obscene.                                
For children, it's candy;                                   
For their elders, it's brandy;                              
For vandals, the night of their dreams.                     
                                                            
30458 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Dr Limerick              



There once was a pumpkin that died,                         
For a candle had burnt off his hide.                        
His insides were taken,                                     
His face was misshapen,                                     
And now he is displayed outside.                            
                                                            
30459 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Darleen Kelly            



My son came to me and he said:                              
"Dad, make me a big pumpkin head."                          
So I thought, what the heck;                                
Put an axe 'cross his neck,                                 
And fitted a squash there instead.                          
                                                            
30460 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN                            



There once was a fellow named Wright                        
Who died on a Halloween night,                              
At the home of the Thorpe's,                                
Where they dragged out his corpse,                          
And they riddled the children with fright.                  
                                                            
30461 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Cap'n Bean          P0201



Not last night, but the night before,                       
Three witches they came to my door.                         
One had a hunchback,                                        
One wore a black sack,                                      
And the third spewed pizza on my floor.                     
                                                            
30462 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Tutta Gioia              



The ghosts and ghouls are out to play;                      
If you see them, please stay away.                          
It's Halloween night.                                       
They'll give you a fright.                                  
Trick or treat is what you must say.                        
                                                            
30463 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Anon                     



The night psychos wander the street,                        
Looking for victims to eat.                                 
I won't sit at home;                                        
I'll be on the roam,                                        
And smile as I say "trick or treat?"                        
                                                            
30464 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Allison Critch           



If I say to you, "Trick or treat',                          
And you don't give me something to eat,                     
Then beware the course,                                     
For you know I'll be forced                                 
To kill you with the smell of my feet.                      
                                                            
30465 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Jeff Baggs               



The goblins appear in the night,                            
Intending to give us a fright.                              
On the door they will beat,                                 
And they'll yell Trick Or Treat.                            
Then they quickly deport from our sight.                    
                                                            
30466 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Gifford Wherry           



To Christians this Christmas 'bout birth                    
Rejects truth for all it is worth!                          
I and my pointy hat,                                        
(There's a W on that),                                      
Will pour some red wine on the earth.                       
                                                            
30467 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - HALLOWEEN   Archie                   



How are you this Memorial Day?                              
Better off, I do hope and I pray                            
Than millions of vets                                       
Whom our mations forgets                                    
When remembering ceases to pay...                           
                                                            
30468 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    John Miller 0342         



The pallor of women their pall...                           
To speed them no candles at all,                            
Save in girl's eyes                                         
Shine final goodbyes                                        
As soldiers continue to fall...                             
                                                            
30469 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Tutta                    



For those who are dying like cattle,                        
No bells! Just the stutter and rattle                       
Of rifles and guns...                                       
The dead's orisons,   (prayers)                             
Whose lives have been snuffed out in battle.                
                                                            
30470 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Tutta                    



Some verses from the 1st World War                          
Show battle as a terrible whore!                            
But lying histories                                         
Do keep the mysteries                                       
And hide all the dying, the pain and the gore.              
                                                            
30471 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Sansuesi                 



September's first Monday's a day                            
When most folks don't work, but just play.                  
And yet it's called "Labor",                                
Parade, pipe and tabor,                                     
Display in a most festive way.                              
                                                            
30472 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Chris Papa               



My "Stars and Stripes" is out to wave,                      
From flag-pole aluminum stave,                              
But it does amuse                                           
To think I might use                                        
My army fatigues, old and brave.                            
                                                            
30473 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Chris Papa               



It lets folks know that I did give,                         
So that my dear country might live.                         
Two years of my time,                                       
When youth was in prime,                                    
Slipped by, just like water through sieve.                  
                                                            
30474 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Chris Papa               



But I won't joining in the parade,                          
Or take politician's charade                                
About "Land of the Free",                                   
Which surely cost me                                        
A debt that was manfully paid.                              
                                                            
30475 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Chris Papa               



I'd hope that the youth of our land                         
Would set aim for goals that are grand.                     
With no need for arms,                                      
Or far wars' alarms,                                        
Let justice and peace be their stand.                       
                                                            
30476 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Chris Papa               



Each year in the U. S. of A.,                               
We have a Memorial Day;                                     
Remembrance for all                                         
Who answered the call                                       
By placing their lives in harm's way.                       
                                                            
30477 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Travis Brasell           



This day should not pass with regret,                       
We owe an unpayable debt                                    
To all the bravehearted,                                    
Those valiant departed,                                     
Whose sacrifice we'll not forget.                           
                                                            
30478 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Travis Brasell           



For Freedom, their lives served as shields;                 
Advancing in war's ravaged wealds,                          
'Gainst tyranny's fist.                                     
They made the resist                                        
With Victory on all battlefields.                           
                                                            
30479 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Travis Brasell           



In skies, upon seas or on land,                             
Wherever the point of command,                              
They stormed every hell,                                    
Where heroes blood fell,                                    
'Til God gave them rest by his hand.                        
                                                            
30480 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Travis Brasell           



In shadows of Old Glory's wave,                             
We cherish the memories we save;                            
Of those who stand tall                                     
In Remembrance's Hall --                                    
By Freedom salute we The Brave!                             
                                                            
30481 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Travis Brasell           



Australia, in similar vein,                                 
Remembers each April, with pain.                            
Our own ANZAC Day,                                          
Our young men blown away,                                   
So that free our great land might remain.                   
                                                            
30482 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Steve123                 



The Battle of Gallipoli                                     
Is a focal point for us, you see.                           
The battle was brutal                                       
But hopelessly futile.                                      
I'm sure glad that it wasn't me.                            
                                                            
30483 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Steve123                 



As, sadly, the sun starts to set                            
On the soldiers who cannot forget,                          
The youth of today                                          
Laugh it off, turn away,                                    
While the ANZAC is battling yet.                            
                                                            
30484 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Steve123                 



I've never been called up or fought.                        
But growing to manhood has taught                           
Me to see what they lost,                                   
And just how much it cost,                                  
And to give the respect that I might.                       
                                                            
30485 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - MEMORIAL    Steve123                 



The year is two thousand and three,                         
And I thought I could have it for free.                     
But, surprising to say,                                     
On it's very first day,                                     
It arrived at my house C.O.D.                               
                                                            
30486 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Cap'n Bean          P0301



I'm loving and leaving you soon,                            
Like early this Saturday noon.                              
I hope you all here                                         
Have a Happy New Year;                                      
I'll be back in two thousand and oon.                       
                                                            
30487 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS                            



It's the very last month of the year,                       
And I shed, from my eye, a small tear;                      
As I feel a bit glum,                                       
As the holidays come,                                       
Over friends who are no longer here.                        
                                                            
30488 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Cap'n Bean          P0312



Sure I know that I've done lots of teasin'                  
But I write for a much different reason.                    
'Tis to wish you good cheer                                 
For the upcoming year,                                      
And in fact for this whole festive season.                  
                                                            
30489 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Robert Birch             



For you folks out there in Coshocton,                       
Many yule drinks we're concoctin'.                          
As we drink our beer,                                       
We wish you were here,                                      
So to you "Frolichte Weinacten."                            
                                                            
30490 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Ed Wolfert          P8212



This holiday season it's clear,                             
We're in for a repeat of last year.                         
Good cheer abounds;                                         
I'll gain six pounds,                                       
And we'll all go bankrupt again, dear.                      
                                                            
30491 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Lynn Mostafa             



The holiday season's a ball;                                
The shoppers are trekking the hall.                         
Even the Grinches                                           
Are sitting on benches                                      
And watching the girls in the mall!                         
                                                            
30492 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Observer                 



Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.                            
To all of our good friends, most dear,                      
Good health to you all.                                     
May your troubles be small,                                 
And millennium full of good cheer!                          
                                                            
30493 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Chris Papa               



The end of 2002,                                            
I'm off to a Hogmanay do;                                   
Here's wishing from me                                      
That 2003                                                   
Will be peaceful and happy for you.                         
                                                            
30494 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Peter Wilkins            



Dear friends, 'tis abundantly clear                         
Time waiteth for no man, I fear.                            
Wine glasses in hand?                                       
Good! -- Yell "Ain't life grand!                            
And to all a real Happy New Year!"                          
                                                            
30495 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS                            



We wish you happiness and cheer                             
All throughout the coming New Year.                         
May blessings increase;                                     
The bellicose cease,                                        
Allowing us lives without fear.                             
                                                            
30496 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Chris Papa               



With partying now in high gear,                             
Unhappiness pushed to the rear,                             
Stay near us and smile                                      
As you know all the while --                                
We all want a Happy you, near.                              
                                                            
30497 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Fred Cohen          P8801



Friends, I hope that your Yuletide was festive              
And the stay with in-laws not too pestive.                  
Let me hope that y'all see                                  
Smashin' times in '03;                                      
For the start let's consume drinks digestive.               
                                                            
30498 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS                            



The holiday season is here.                                 
Time to have family be near.                                
So come as you can,                                         
By car, truck, or van,                                      
And be home with me soon, won't you, dear?                  
                                                            
30499 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Oxymoronic Gal           



As the century draws to a close,                            
We are facing a new set of woes;                            
Nineties folk are perplexed;                                
Should the decade that's next                               
Be the Noughties, or simply the O's?                        
                                                            
30500 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Anon                     



In the new year, a wondrous time,                           
When stars and all life rhyme sublime;                      
A millennium ends,                                          
As a new one impends,                                       
Springtime of an age truly prime.                           
                                                            
30501 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Joel D Ash          P0001



To the past we will all bid adieu,                          
In fond hope that great times will ensue;                   
Some so awestruck,                                          
At their run of good luck,                                  
Perhaps one of the few may be you.                          
                                                            
30502 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Joel D Ash          P0001



Your family granted much love,                              
Good fortune that flows from above;                         
The treasure of health,                                     
Plus a measure of wealth,                                   
Good friends and the blessings thereof.                     
                                                            
30503 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Joel D Ash          P0001



With peace in our time that is real,                        
Sad wounds in the world start to heal;                      
Our America strong,                                         
Seeking right, righting wrong,                              
With the ship of state on even keel.                        
                                                            
30504 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Joel D Ash          P0001



Give thanks that you live in this place,                    
Shining light of the whole human race;                      
Of course there are flaws,                                  
But no remorse because,                                     
There is so much that's fine to embrace.                    
                                                            
30505 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Joel D Ash          P0001



Go forth with much joy in your heart;                       
Make an effort to play a good part;                         
Strive for positive flow,                                   
You can help make it so,                                    
And a glorious year will soon start.                        
                                                            
30506 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Joel D Ash          P0001



A New Year!  A brand new beginning;                         
No sulking, no swearing, no sinning.                        
Though that's just how I feel                               
With intentions quite real,                                 
Those who know me, they just can't help grinning.           
                                                            
30507 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Ogden Nield              



Let's hope that descent of the ball,                        
'Twill bring merry time for us all.                         
With good health to spare                                   
And someone to share                                        
A love for all things, large and small.                     
                                                            
30508 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Chris Papa               



My goals for a Happy New Year!                              
A few limericks posted to here,                             
More laughter, less pain,                                   
Less weight will I gain,                                    
More money and women and beer!                              
                                                            
30509 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   John Miller              



Texans, please lend us your ear,                            
As we enter this Happy New Year.                            
If you think we have changed,                               
You're slightly deranged;                                   
For a poem, and not us, you'll will hear.                   
                                                            
30510 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Julian G Martin     P0211



I'm ready to start the New Year;                            
I refuse to buy into fear.                                  
I'll sing Auld Lang Syne,                                   
Share a cup of wine,                                        
And toast friends whether far or near!                      
                                                            
30511 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Maggie                   



My plan for a frantic first                                 
Includes much slaking of thirst.                            
Although it's risky,                                        
I'll chase my whiskey                                       
With beer after beer till I burst.                          
                                                            
30512 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Norm                     



May the cheer of this seasonal fling                        
Stay with you as the the New Year takes wing,               
And be in your heart                                        
Always from the start,                                      
To the end, when again the bells ring.                      
                                                            
30513 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Daniel Ford              



So hear's to the old and the new;                           
I wish health and happiness too!                            
Good days filled with rhymes                                
And the best of times,                                      
As we bid the nineties adieu!                               
                                                            
30514 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Maggie                   



Every year after work, Xmas eve,                            
To the pub for a party, we leave.                           
There's not much to do,                                     
Except eat, drink and feel blue,                            
As the New Year's too close to believe.                     
                                                            
30515 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't complain, Hanukah is eight days,                      
With a gift to be given each day.                           
So you see, it is true                                      
There are only rich Jews;                                   
No wonder -- how else could they pay?                       
                                                            
30516 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Mike Dale                



We send you our seasonal greeting,                          
As the year seems to be so fleeting.                        
May your feel the love                                      
That's shared from above,                                   
As well as the rain, snow, and sleeting.                    
                                                            
30517 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Daniel Ford              



This year I do Yule by the book;                            
I've perfected my 'really thrilled' look,                   
Practiced mistletoe snogging,                               
Remote-control hogging,                                     
And got some other bugger to cook.                          
                                                            
30518 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Lucy                     



No matter the creed or prayer said,                         
Whether there's cloth on the head,                          
Most religions all                                          
Heed the solstice call,                                     
At time when the earth seems near dead.                     
                                                            
30519 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Chris Papa               



Two thousand, two thousand, two thousan',                   
The whole wide world's over carousin'.                      
This ain't just New Year                                    
Or New Century here,                                        
'Cause the third Milennium now's in.                        
                                                            
30520 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS   Prof M-G                 



I thank you, my dear, for your greeting;                    
The old year, too fast, has been fleeting.                  
And '03 is in-rushing                                       
Giving me a concushing,                                     
As I duck out with party horns bleating.                    
                                                            
30521 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS                            



Though usually I'm here to appall                           
And stink up the place, bugger all;                         
I'll pinch back, at present,                                
And briefly be pleasant --                                  
Good holiday cheer to you all!                              
                                                            
30522 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - NEW YEARS                            



Come November our prayers we are giving                     
To our Lord for our bountiful living.                       
But some folks, I have heard,                               
Find the whole thing absurd --                              
Why don't Indians indulge in Thanksgiving?                  
                                                            
30523 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Phil Cannibal       P0101



On Thanksgiving, I'll sit at my place,                      
And I'll wait until Mother says grace.                      
Then I'll open my yap                                       
Like a gluttonous chap,                                     
And I'll stuff all the food in my face!                     
                                                            
30524 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Cap'n Bean          P0311



'Tis almost Thanksgiving again,                             
But the event is becoming a pain.                           
People expect an invite,                                    
Or you're not too polite;                                   
But for me there's nothing to gain.                         
                                                            
30525 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS                               



We spent a small fortune on food,                           
And I don't want to sound like I'm rude,                    
But they party all night,                                   
And there's often a fight,                                  
Which for me, really spoils the mood.                       
                                                            
30526 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS                               



Oh, eating is my favorite thing                             
I think of the joy it does bring                            
A dish with a slice                                         
Of pi would be nice                                         
What's your number? I'll give you a ring!                   
                                                            
30527 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS                               



My number dear I thought you knew,                          
Since last year I gave it to you.                           
But if it got lost,                                         
Please let me emboss,                                       
It on your cock like a tattoo.                              
                                                            
30528 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS                               



The grandmother said with a jeer,                           
"Thanksgiving is lovely my dears.                           
As I look and I see                                         
All of you around me,                                       
I am thankful, it's just once a year."                      
                                                            
30529 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Keith Gilman        P0111



A gentleman and his pet puffin                              
Ate a turkey with all of the stuffin'.                      
They went for a walk.                                       
And enjoyed their talk,                                     
And finished their meal with a muffin.                      
                                                            
30530 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Vincent Torre       P0207



I came to this land of the free,                            
From terror and famine did flee.                            
Now this feeling of dread;                                  
I might soon be dead --                                     
It's Thanksgiving - please don't pick me!                   
                                                            
30531 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS                               



Thanksgiving's a bountiful treat,                           
With our diners so full and complete;                       
Devour the fare,                                            
But remember a prayer,                                      
For those who have nothing to eat.                          
                                                            
30532 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Cap'n Bean          P0311



May the turkeys be all stuffed with dressing;               
May the jerks become jerky, a blessing.                     
May the duds be the milk ones; (Milk Duds - US candy)       
And those cross become hot buns.                            
For one/two-a-penny, that's refreshing.                     
                                                            
30533 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Hilde na Beag            



Thanksgiving, the U.S. has thanked                          
In time honored ways SACROSANCT;                            
For family and friends,                                     
A time for amends,                                          
With love of all most highly ranked.                        
                                                            
30534 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Chris Papa               



November, November, November,                               
A time to give thanks and remember,                         
Unless you're the tom                                       
That the meat's taken from,                                 
Then, too early, you've reached your December!              
                                                            
30535 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Prof M-G                 



Amid all the joy, something lurky;                          
As sad little thought very murky.                           
Though we've all done well,                                 
Today has been hell,                                        
For many a fine-feathered turkey.                           
                                                            
30536 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Chris Papa               



When there's no thought of gift giving,                     
Just fellowship and good living,                            
Family and friend                                           
To gathering lend                                           
Good will, good eats for Thanksgiving.                      
                                                            
30537 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Daniel Ford              



This thanksgiving we're wishing you two                     
A bountiful feast with a crew                               
Of your friends and your kin                                
And plenty of gin.                                          
It's a day meant for turkeys like you.                      
                                                            
30538 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      A. N. Wilkins       P8612



The jaunty plump bird chanced a look                        
To see if he'd outfoxed the cook.                           
But alas and alack,                                         
He's now on his back;                                       
'Twas the door to the kitchen he took.                      
                                                            
30539 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Frank Fazed              



Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims' first feast,                    
In the frigid and nasty Northeast;                          
They were warmly dressed,                                   
Though I would have guessed,                                
The Indians were wearing their least.                       
                                                            
30540 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Chris Papa               



On maize and zucchini they dined,                           
Table manners were not too refined;                         
they ate turkey with fingers,                               
And pumpkin pie bringers                                    
Were left in a terrible bind.                               
                                                            
30541 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Chris Papa               



This was Thanksgiving weekend                               
When Americans go 'round the bend,                          
Stuffing our faces                                          
And looking for traces                                      
Of leftovers, on that depend.                               
                                                            
30542 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Arden                    



We sit and watch each football game,                        
(No matter if each one's the same)                          
As well as parades,                                         
With floats filled with maids,                              
And nap on the couch -- oh the shame!                       
                                                            
30543 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Arden                    



I don't think it's fair that the Yanks                      
Have Christmas and Giving of Thanks.                        
They have turkey twice,                                     
'Cause food is their vice;                                  
Their waistlines are bursting their banks!                  
                                                            
30544 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Jayne                    



We Brits do it but twice a year,                            
We pig out to have Christmas cheer;                         
So fat we can't reach                                       
To switch off the Queen's speech,                           
Then at New Years, we guzzle down beer.                     
                                                            
30545 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - THANKS      Jayne                    



I searched out the cards that I got                         
Last Valentine's Day and guess what?                        
I went to the mall                                          
And reposted them all                                       
For the twenty-first time on the trot.                      
                                                            
30546 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Peter Wilkins            



Some Valentine cards I shall buy,                           
And wistfully sign with a sigh:                             
To Sonia, Sandy,                                            
Alicia, Mandy,                                              
And probably others, from I.                                
                                                            
30547 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Peter Wilkins            



To my crush on Valentine's day,                             
Here's a poem to express what I say.                        
"I see you at school;                                       
Your looks make me drool;                                   
Could you please send a smile my way?"                      
                                                            
30548 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Patty P                  



So search if you will, for the man                          
Who'll hold off as long as he can,                          
And romance extend                                          
To sweet mutual end.                                        
There's nothing much better than.                           
                                                            
30549 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Chris Papa               



A newlywed husband named Bart                               
Said, "You are the queen of my heart.                       
You'll always be mine,                                      
My sweet Valentine;                                         
I'll love you till debt do us part!"                        
                                                            
30550 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Observer                 



On Valentine's Day, here's a note:                          
"My dear, I would like a fur coat,                          
Or maybe a ring.                                            
Oh, heck -- will you bring                                  
Me more of those lim'ricks you wrote?"                      
                                                            
30551 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES                           



A problem long under the sun                                
Is when it comes to having fun:                             
Though ladies maight linger,                                
The guy's trigger finger                                    
Frequently shortens the fun.                                
                                                            
30552 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Chris Papa               



As Valentine's day approaches,                              
My mind serenely encroaches.                                
Romance is so nice                                          
And gives life some spice,                                  
Who needs a lover that poaches.                             
                                                            
30553 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Maggie                   



Venus, not Eros, you see,                                   
Is the preference for women like me.                        
Libido with haste                                           
Is merely a waste!                                          
Linger with passion!  Ecstasy!                              
                                                            
30554 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Maggie                   



This Valentine thing makes me sick;                         
A candy-and-card merchant's trick.                          
This stuff about cupid,                                     
Is insipid and stupid;                                      
All a man wants is pleasing his prick.                      
                                                            
30555 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  John Miller              



Your girlfriend is balking, and still you                   
Pursue her, although it may kill you.                       
Valentines might just whet her                              
And maybe you'll get her                                    
To answer a "YES" to your "WILL YOU?"                       
                                                            
30556 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Ystap               T9801



Whenever I see Valentines                                   
I'm reminded that "hearts" are like wines,                  
The redder the better,                                      
So don't you forget her,                                    
And send her those sugar-sweet lines.                       
                                                            
30557 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Ystap               T9801



My girl has turned into a Miss.                             
My love has not turned into bliss.                          
I wrote out some lines                                      
On sweet Valentines,                                        
And now I can just reminisce.                               
                                                            
30558 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Jim Weaver Collection    



On Valentine's day, give her flowers,                       
With perfume that quite overpowers.                         
But she takes just one smell,                               
And gets hay fever.  Hell!                                  
Now she'll be sneezing for hours.                           
                                                            
30559 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES  Tiddy Ogg                



Happy Valentine's Day to the one,                           
Whom without there'd just be no fun,                        
At playing a game,                                          
Though still kinda lame,                                    
You know who you are, don't ya hon?                         
                                                            
30560 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - VALENTINES                           



Things in Bethlehem got in a whirl,                         
With frankincense and so much myrrl.                        
Both shepherds and flock                                    
Were in for a shock                                         
When the Wise Men announced, "A black girl!"                
                                                            
30561 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Bill Edwards        P9202



To the Christmas Tree Fairy, Doc Titus,                     
Said, "The diagnosis is not hepatitis.                      
I've ruled out phlebitis                                    
And osteoarthritis.                                         
You appear to have acute tinselitis.                        
                                                            
30562 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        FCA                T9712 



On Christmas Day, all that I heard                          
Was, "Come to the table, old turd!"                         
My cook said, "Here's eggs,                                 
And cold turkey legs;                                       
Your kin ate the rest of the bird!"                         
                                                            
30563 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



The whole problem with Christmas is gifts;                  
We have to exchange them in shifts.                         
We never keep track                                         
Of what stores should take back,                            
Versus what should go straight to the thrifts.              
                                                            
30564 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Prof M-G            T9712



Even the items we keep                                      
Will be sold off at garage sales cheap,                     
To be bought by folks who'll                                
Give us back them next Yule,                                
To provision our next thrift-store heap.                    
                                                            
30565 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Prof M-G            T9712



These heavy verses need luggers,                            
To keep them away from the muggers,                         
And away from kids;                                         
Put Scrooge on the skids,                                   
Get rid of the Bah Humbuggers.                              
                                                            
30566 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Daniel Ford              



Christmas bells clang in my ear.                            
I am a curmudgeon I fear.                                   
But I'll see it through,                                    
I'll brighten my view                                       
With a few bottles of old Christmas cheer.                  
                                                            
30567 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        John K. Roberts 0    P921



They're decking the bulkheads and hulls.                    
They're painting the dinghies and sculls.                   
On the beach and the bay                                    
Anybody would say                                           
That it's Christmas for bouys and for gulls.                
                                                            
30568 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        A. N. Wilkins       P8801



On the last night before Christmas Day,                     
The turkey decided to pray.                                 
And as down came the axe,                                   
The farm got a fax                                          
Saying "Christmas is cancelled 'til May."                   
                                                            
30569 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Anon                     



I've got sparkles up to my knees;                           
I drown in twinkles when I sneeze.                          
I might just as well                                        
Be buried in tinsel.                                        
My wife has got Christmas Disease.                          
                                                            
30570 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Tony Burrell             



Aunt Mildred, I thank you, my dear,                         
For the socks that you sent me this year;                   
And the handkerchiefs too.                                  
I'll be thinking of you                                     
When I'm blowing my nose, never fear.                       
                                                            
30571 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Peter Wilkins            



Aunt Gertrude, the hankies you sent                         
And the socks; well, I thank you. You spent                 
Far too much, you old bat,                                  
Oh, I'm sorry 'bout that;                                   
'Twas a slip of the pen never meant.                        
                                                            
30572 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Peter Wilkins            



Grandma, your present was better                            
Than last year's.  I love this new sweater,                 
But cannot believe                                          
The great length of one sleeve,                             
Which has smudged all the ink on this letter.               
                                                            
30573 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Peter Wilkins            



Uncle Fred? You are terribly wise,                          
And I'd thank you; but really -- those ties                 
That you sent were so stained                               
And with dirt so ingrained,                                 
That they once were your own, I surmise.                    
                                                            
30574 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Peter Wilkins            



I thought you were well in your box,                        
Dear Great Grandma, I fear that the shock's                 
Been a little too great;                                    
Please forgive me. I'm late                                 
Writing thank you, my dear, for the socks.                  
                                                            
30575 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Peter Wilkins            



I replaced the last Christmas tree ball,                    
'Cause one shattered last night in its fall.                
The tree now is well done,                                  
Though my ex's missing one.                                 
All the best of the Season to y'all.                        
                                                            
30576 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Pilar                    



It's cold and dark as the night,                            
Fires heat houses just right.                               
Soft sprinkles of snow,                                     
Sprinkle and glow.                                          
Christmas lights twinkle sweet light.                       
                                                            
30577 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Tobassco            T9707



It's supposed to be Jesus's birthday                        
And the happiest time on our earth-day.                     
But just take my advice                                     
Lest you're caught in a vice;                               
It's a run up to "milking your purse-day".                  
                                                            
30578 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Nawahl Razak             



If giving a gift's all it takes                             
To make people love you, it makes                           
For many a shallow                                          
Young girl and a fellow;                                    
Don't fall for it, for heaven's sakes.                      
                                                            
30579 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Nawahl Razak             



Now things that are very much dearer                        
Are the crafts that are bringing you nearer.                
Imagination                                                 
And a little creation                                       
Do make messages very much clearer.                         
                                                            
30580 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Nawahl Razak             



First we start out with a tree --                           
But it's always crooked as can be --                        
It makes Mon and Dad fuss,                                  
Causes Daddy to cuss,                                       
And when it falls, they blame it on me!                     
                                                            
30581 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



Then Dad and Mom have a fight                               
Because half of the lights do not light.                    
Dad tries, but no use,                                      
Now he's blown a fuse!                                      
So he cusses some more -- what a sight!                     
                                                            
30582 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



Mommy takes us to the mall,                                 
But the baby is starting to bawl.                           
In long lines we dance --                                   
I just peed my pants,                                       
'Cause the bathroom is way down the hall!                   
                                                            
30583 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



And, it is just as I feared --                              
Just who is this creep with the beard?                      
Makes me sit on his knee                                    
While he's fondling me.                                     
I think that this fat guy is weird!                         
                                                            
30584 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



They say this is a season of mirth,                         
When we celebrate a child's birth.                          
But with all the stress,                                    
It's just one big mess --                                   
No goodwill, and no peace on Earth!                         
                                                            
30585 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



It's damned near to Christmas again;                        
Time for that bloody French Hen                             
Or two in a tree...                                         
Oh, how I would pee                                         
All over the Season's pitchmen!                             
                                                            
30586 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Biology Student Fong Lee,                                   
Vacationed last month by the sea.                           
While out on a lark,                                        
He spied a dead shark,                                      
Whose stomach contents included five golden rings, four     
calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, ...     
30587 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Dean Hannotte            



In November, there's Christmas decor,                       
Always more than they'd put up before.                      
I think that's too early,                                   
And that almost surely,                                     
For most of the public, a bore.                             
                                                            
30588 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Ryan                     



Each Christmas the city's a flurry                          
Of aimlessly, scurrying hurry.                              
There's much consternation,                                 
Disorganization,                                            
Frustration and bad-tempered worry.                         
                                                            
30589 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Peter                    



Away with this holiday spirit!                              
Merry Christmas?  I don't want to hear it!                  
You buy gifts till your broke;                              
What you get back's a joke.                                 
I don't so much hate it as fear it!                         
                                                            
30590 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Ogden Nield              



There was a young reindeer named Nate,                      
Who at Christmas would procrastinate.                       
"I'll buy presents tomorrow,"                               
He'd say to his sorrow,                                     
For Christmas by Easter's too late.                         
                                                            
30591 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Christine Brim           



Sometimes we think we've been had;                          
But this year has not been so bad.                          
So from Juarez to Chihuahua,                                
We, Pappa and Mamma,                                        
Wish you "Feliz Navidad."                                   
                                                            
30592 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Ed Wolfert          P8212



The day of Christmas is near,                               
And it fills our hearts full of cheer.                      
With lights that are glowing;                               
Everywhere it is snowing,                                   
And children looking for reindeer.                          
                                                            
30593 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Wayne W                  



Christmas shopping's a thing I begrudge,                    
When traffic's snarled and won't budge.                     
I really could use a nap,                                   
But I have gifts to wrap,                                   
Then make Christmans cookies and fudge.                     
                                                            
30594 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



Amid this dire, poetic blight,                              
We'd like to offer sheerful light,                          
To illuminate faces,                                        
During break from the races,                                
"Happy Christmas to all; Good Night!"                       
                                                            
30595 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Daniel Ford              



For you, happy Christmas and all;                           
I am here to answer your call.                              
Whatever you wish,                                          
You delectable dish,                                        
Is yours, so now go have a ball.                            
                                                            
30596 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Archie                   



The shops are all stuffed, all the shelves                  
Filled with gifts by Santa's wee elves.                     
Pick-pockets abound,                                        
Shop lifters all 'round.                                    
Merry Christmas, please help yourselves!                    
                                                            
30597 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Tony Brasell             



We are filled every morning when light,                     
And emptied again every night.                              
But once a year,                                            
As children cheer,                                          
It's reversed, for a holiday delight.                       
(puzzle answer - stockings)                                 
30598 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        The Limerick Book   P8512



There once was a man from Atlanta                           
Who wanted some presents from Santa.                        
But after a beast                                           
Of a holiday feast,                                         
All he wanted was precious Mylanta.                         
                                                            
30599 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Keith Gilman        P0201



At Christmas a tenor name Harold                            
Would bring, lest his voice be imperiled                    
When he hit a high note,                                    
Hot towels for his throat,                                  
If it started to snow while he caroled.                     
                                                            
30600 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Cybergeezer              



For those here who don't celebrate                          
Christmas, then let me relate                               
A non-denomonation                                          
Free celebration                                            
Generic greeting -- INGRATE!                                
                                                            
30601 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



Three months before Christmas, they flock;                  
Those shoppers who shove, push and knock,                   
While spending their wages                                  
In holiday rages.                                           
The real war is not in Iraq!                                
                                                            
30602 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



It seem that some folks have to dash                        
To shop to spend all of their cash,                         
But January's sales                                         
I find, never fails                                         
To help you get more for your stash.                        
                                                            
30603 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Tiddy Ogg                



Naa gaar tanken dit englene dro                             
dengang folet ble bedt om aa tro                            
paa fred her paa jord.                                      
Og gleden var stor,                                         
Iallfall en dag eller to.                                   
                                                            
30604 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Bill Backe-Hansen   P9301



A heavenly host had its fill,                               
Saying peace on all earth, and good will;                   
All said Glory to God                                       
And peace to applaud.                                       
For a day or two, weapons were still.                       
                                                            
30605 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Bill Backe-Hansen   P9301



Come sit by me while I blink bonnily,                       
I'll warm you so hey nonny nonnily...                       
And at Christmas time,                                      
With someone I rhyme,                                       
Who leaves lots of gifts so wantonily.                      
                                                            
30606 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



So, who's the fat guy by my fire?                           
All in all, my behavior's been dire.                        
No gifts for me,                                            
Though I'll sit on his knee                                 
And laugh at his funny attire.                              
                                                            
30607 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Karen                    



I'm sorry that you have been bad...                         
Naughtiness with some young lad?                            
Guess I will help you!                                      
Let's look up that old flue...                              
'E's there!...Kris Kringle, by gad!                         
                                                            
30608 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Tutta Gioia              



Every Who down in Whoville could lynch;                     
They await with their rope on a winch.                      
There's a noose to pull tight                               
Any hour of the night...                                    
Better hope they all doze off, huh, Grinch?                 
                                                            
30609 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Prof M-G            T9712



For Klistmas an Isuzu for you                               
We wish, or a nice Subaru;                                  
Or, if you live in Dakota,                                  
A new, shiny Toyota,                                        
And a "Velly Melly Klisu-massu."                            
                                                            
30610 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Ed Wolfert          P8212



Christmas is growing quite near                             
And I'm full of holiday cheer                               
I'd like to take time                                       
To wish all in kind                                         
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year                          
                                                            
30611 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



One thing which gives Santa Clause cheer                    
Is eating Saltines with his beer.                           
And so in December                                          
His colleagues remember                                     
To wish him Merry Crispness each year.                      
                                                            
30612 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        A. N. Wilkins       P8412



And really, I'm nothing like Carrie,                        
And not in the least bit as scary,                          
Can we have a truce,                                        
Suspend this abuse,                                         
And I'll wish you a Christmas Merry?                        
                                                            
30613 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



Old Santa somewhat of a stranger?                           
You say your Yule spirit's in danger?                       
Well smile anyway,                                          
Let the kids have their day,                                
And don't be a dog in the manger.                           
                                                            
30614 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        John K. Roberts     P9212



Some say Xmas is simply a farce;                            
Some say Xmas is fun with its stas;                         
I must clean, I must bake,                                  
There's no time for a break:                                
Happy Xmas, mas, mas, mas, mas, mas ....                    
(Norwegian - stas = festivity, mas = fuss)                  
30615 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Sandy Lunoe         P8412



"Christmas Eve," I said to my spouse,                       
"And no mouse stirs at all in this house,                   
Not under the tree,                                         
Nor anywhere...See?"                                        
Says she, "So your traps worked...you louse."               
                                                            
30616 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        John K. Roberts     P9212



There's nothing that can compare                            
With Christmas, and what we find there:                     
For adults, peace and joy;                                  
For the kids, a new toy.                                    
It's the time of the year when we share.                    
                                                            
30617 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Frank Spectra            



It must have been quarter past three                        
But for some reason, sleep escaped me.                      
Some hot water, some herbs                                  
I'm no longer perterbed                                     
Just one sip... Oh! Christmas Tea!                          
                                                            
30618 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



To whomever you happen to be:                               
No Christmas card this year from me!                        
I choose not to send 'em;                                   
That's my new addendum!                                     
Scratch my name off your list?  Please feel free!           
                                                            
30619 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Ogden Nield              



For my young'uns Christmas has come;                        
They've been having all sorts of fun,                       
While I sat here writing,                                   
I heard little fighting,                                    
As they open their gifts one by one.                        
                                                            
30620 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Robyn                    



December, a holiday cheerest;                               
The idea: to keep family nearest,                           
With gifts for all,                                         
Some big and some small,                                    
Guarantees the presence of our dearest.                     
                                                            
30621 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        John Little              



The women are commonly rare,                                
But of girl elves, we have our share.                       
But when it is chilly,                                      
A nice reindeer filly                                       
Is warmer and moister in there.                             
(So sayeth Santa's elves - McW)                             
30622 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        SantyClz                 



A left-winger named Rudolph de Vere,                        
Tries to forecast the weather around here.                  
To my wife he's a fool,                                     
But I respond as a rule,                                    
"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"                         
                                                            
30623 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        FCA                 T9712



The seasons are starting to fly                             
With such speed, they are passing me by.                    
Today at the mall,                                          
The sign in the hall                                        
Said, "Christmas Sale Starts in July!"                      
                                                            
30624 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Travis Brasell           



There once was a grumpy old geezer,                         
Who went by the name Ebeneezer.                             
He was nobody's stooge;                                     
He was just an old Scrooge,                                 
And he kept his poor clerk in a freezer.                    
                                                            
30625 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Diane Christian          



Sign Christmas cards and mail them today,                   
And the presents that go far away;                          
But not finished, oh no,                                    
I've a costume to sew                                       
For my son for the new Christmas play.                      
                                                            
30626 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



He works hard for his money; he earns it!                   
Buys a gift for his wife, but she spurns it.                
It'll be the wrong size,                                    
Or it won't match her eyes,                                 
And I'll bet you a buck she returns it!                     
                                                            
30627 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Ogden Nield              



At the mall, park a mile from the door,                     
Wait in line for an hour, or more --                        
All those gifts, try to find                                
Without losing your mind --                                 
Then it's off to the grocery store.                         
                                                            
30628 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



With Christmas just six months away                         
We must start our shopping today;                           
Let's all of us hurry                                       
And flurry and scurry,                                      
To get in the holiday fray.                                 
                                                            
30629 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



Hark! Do I hear Yule bells ringing?                         
And Choirs beginning their singing?                         
Now wait! I am wrong,                                       
It is only the song                                         
Of six million cash registers dinging.                      
                                                            
30630 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        John K. Roberts     P9212



Merry Christmas, Ho-Ho, and Good Cheer;                     
I'm afraid that it's that time of year                      
When a good Jewish boy                                      
Makes a fool of us Goy,                                     
And we buy till it comes up to here.                        
                                                            
30631 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        John Miller 0169         



I smiled but my face began cracking.                        
The Grinch, I'm afraid, was attacking,                      
And try as I might,                                         
It would not go right.                                      
The spirit, this year, was just lacking.                    
                                                            
30632 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Frank Fazed              



The guy in the sleigh has departed,                         
His HO HO HO just half started.                             
To add to the stress,                                       
His deer left a mess,                                       
The big day was done 'fore it started.                      
                                                            
30633 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Frank Fazed              



I shot Rudolph right through the ear.                       
I'm eating venison, drinking beer.                          
The Grinch joined the feast,                                
But it was the least                                        
I could do, since I'm short on cheer.                       
                                                            
30634 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Frank Fazed              



Now rather than say Bah Humbug,                             
Before burned out lights I unplug,                          
I'll try one more time,                                     
To do it in rhyme,                                          
Merry Christmas to all, here's a hug.                       
                                                            
30635 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin Brandon           



St. Nicolas said, "It's a drag;                             
Every Christmas Eve I start to sag.                         
To stay focused, on track,                                  
I do knock a few back.                                      
By Christmas Morn I'm in the bag."                          
                                                            
30636 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



If you try to get men to achieve                            
All their shopping for gifts, I believe                     
You don't need many days...                                 
If you really want praise,                                  
Any REAL man will start Christmas Eve.                      
                                                            
30637 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Limerick Man        T9801



When on-line web sites will deceive --                      
Delivering not by Xmas Eve,                                 
We now know who to blame.                                   
Among his words of fame                                     
Were, "Oh, what tangled webs we weave..."                   
                                                            
30638 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Irving Superior          



To shepherds in fields as they lay,                         
I once heard our good pastor say,                           
"I've heard angels sing.                                    
Thus I to you bring,                                        
Tearful chidings this good Christmas Day."                  
                                                            
30639 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Laurence Perrine    P9410



Outside is a layer of white.                                
Inside are trees with lights bright.                        
Warm with our friends,                                      
Welcome all with big grins,                                 
And genuine feelings of delight.                            
                                                            
30640 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



The turkey is stuffed and ready;                            
The house full of good smells heady;                        
Cookies and pies galore                                     
Baked by hands junior,                                      
Who are waiting for Santa already.                          
                                                            
30641 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



I take this little time to say                              
May good things come your way                               
This holiday spirit                                         
You have to admit                                           
Would be nice to have everyday                              
                                                            
30642 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



Have a safe and a happy holiday,                            
Keep strife and bad feelings at bay.                        
Love to you all                                             
From one with a drawl,                                      
And I'll toast with a new Beaujolais.                       
                                                            
30643 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS                                 



Good advice sounds like nagging to me,                      
And is wasted therefore as you see.                         
I said, "Dear I will do it.                                 
I'll get around to it.                                      
By July I'll pitch our Christmas tree."                     
                                                            
30644 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9606



Christmas is finally coming!                                
The drummer boy has started drumming.                       
The presents unwrapped;                                     
We have finally sat,                                        
For the turkey dinner is coming.                            
                                                            
30645 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Anon                T9710



In the dark dismal days of Dec.                             
It is always a joy to rem.                                  
That, come Christmas Day,                                   
You'll have (Hip hooray!)                                   
A turkey trussed up to dism.                                
                                                            
30646 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Harold C Bibby           



With a scarce two days till the event,                      
In my list I've just made a small dent.                     
There's no time for bopping,                                
We've got to get shopping!                                  
Ask again when I've got it all spent.                       
                                                            
30647 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Jeanie                   



Yes, Christmas is really sublime.                           
But I think I'll commit a small crime:                      
Because time flies so fast,                                 
I've decided at last                                        
To write cards for two years at a time!!!                   
                                                            
30648 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Sandy               P8801



The holiday season did swing;                               
We did that "white elephant" thing.                         
I got a good gift                                           
That gave me a lift.                                        
It's some kind of dicky-do sling.                           
                                                            
30649 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Marty                    



I don't have a use for it now.                              
But I do anticipate how                                     
It will come in handy                                       
If I find a dandy                                           
Good fellow whom God did endow.                             
                                                            
30650 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Marty                    



I think I will have an affair,                              
The problem is, no one is there                             
To whom I appeal.                                           
Don't know how you feel.                                    
Can I lure you into my lair?                                
                                                            
30651 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Marty                    



You can show me just how it's done,                         
'Cause people won't let me have fun.                        
They're overprotective.                                     
They hired a detective                                      
Who just flipped his phaser on stun!                        
                                                            
30652 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Marty                    



I must clean the house, trim the tree,                      
Decorate the yard for neighbors to see.                     
I tired of hustle-bustle,                                   
I can't move a muscle,                                      
I sure wish there were two of me!                           
                                                            
30653 HOLIDAYS - CLEAN - XMAS        Kaylin                   



Some girls like to swing it both ways;                      
Changing partners on alternate days.                        
Tuesday, Thursday it's men;                                 
Saturday's, yet again;                                      
The remainders, it's women they lay.                        
                                                            
30654 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



The unscrupulous King of Oman                               
Likes to rummage in drawers when he can;                    
What he's after, in there,                                  
Is enveloped in hair --                                     
Be their occupant woman or man.                             
                                                            
30655 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



An easily-pleased sex fiend of Troy                         
Says, "A virgin's perhaps my big joy,                       
But at time unavailable,                                    
I take anything tailable,                                   
Even down to a flat-bottomed boy."                          
                                                            
30656 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Grand Prix Lim  359      



Said a certain young fellow from Texas,                     
"You can't dream how extremely it vexes                     
My mother that I,                                           
However I try,                                              
Stay attracted to both of the sexes."                       
                                                            
30657 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Isaac Asimov             



There once was a guy named Paul                             
Who picked up chicks at the mall.                           
One day he got high,                                        
And picked up a guy                                         
And got some nice head in the stall!                        
                                                            
30658 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Andrew Silva             



Said a gabby old queer in Saint-Lo:                         
"We sophisticates bugger and blow.                          
Women just bore me,                                         
I need men to gore me--                                     
I'm a bit of bisexual, you know."                           
                                                            
30659 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                   G1040



Quiff, quahog, and whiskey                                  
Were the passions at Point Zabriskie.                       
Not to mention some boys,                                   
A few lesbian joys--                                        
Salubrious, silly, but risky.                               
                                                            
30660 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                   G2552



A strange sort of guy just dropped by                       
And told me outright he was bi;                             
When asking for work,                                       
He started to jerk,                                         
Then came as he went saying, "Bye!"                         
                                                            
30661 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



A perverted young fellow named Mike                         
Went on a long nature hike.                                 
He perved him a bear,                                       
A wolf and a hare,                                          
Then two hikers, a queer and a dyke!                        
                                                            
30662 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Blowcephus         TP9802



Bill came from the old land of cotton,                      
Where old times there have not been forgotten.              
Told the Pentagon, well,                                    
Don't ask and don't tell,                                   
On the fairies and dykes, if you got 'em.                   
                                                            
30663 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Marsh Magee              



A bisexual guy on my street                                 
Says his lifestyle just can't be beat.                      
He likes girls and boys,                                    
He has so much choice,                                      
'Cause all that he meets, he can eat!                       
                                                            
30664 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Wildman             T9712



There once was a woman named Shawn,                         
Who could do with a twat or a dong.                         
She wasn't nit-picky                                        
'Bout who gave her a hicky,                                 
Or whose nimble probe banged her gong.                      
                                                            
30665 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a fiend on a prowl in Bel Air,                         
"One should never give way to despair.                      
If I can't flush a female                                   
My victim can be male.                                      
A switch-hitter just doesn't care!"                         
                                                            
30666 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Sex to Sexty        P8808



A perfect switch-hitter is Rooter;                          
He's what I would call your pure neuter:                    
One night, it is boys,                                      
The next, female joys,                                      
The third he just strokes his own shooter.                  
                                                            
30667 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Armand E Singer       536



On the soft, sunny sands near Washago,                      
Whither artists both virile and gay go,                     
One can see every day                                       
Such erotic display,                                        
I suspect, come the summer, I may go.                       
                                                            
30668 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Keith MacMillan       68d



There was a young man from Madrid                           
Who fathered a hundred young kids.                          
He said, "So they tell me,                                  
But since I'm a fairy,                                      
I'm not sure that I really did."                            
                                                            
30669 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Robert Elliot            



A sweet little old lady named Lou,                          
Has got me all worried and blue.                            
She's one of those gals                                     
That fucks all your pals,                                   
Then makes all your girlfriends too!                        
                                                            
30670 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                   G0118



Scotty proclaimed me this oath,                             
I'm bisexual's, what Scotty quoth.                          
If girls I can't find,                                      
To a man I'll be kind,                                      
And if lucky I might get them both!                         
                                                            
30671 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



Said an angry young lady from Texas:                        
"I wish there were only two sexes.                          
Today, it appears,                                          
There are four--counting queers--                           
And they grab off the men just to vex us!"                  
                                                            
30672 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                   G1067



A bi-sexual rock star named Bender,                         
When asked by the press corps to render                     
An account of his flings,                                   
Said, "Sex grooves and/or swings,                           
But that depends mostly on gender."                         
                                                            
30673 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Bob Giandomenico    P9111



Laughed lecherous switch-hitting Mose,                      
"I go for cute belles and tall beaus,                       
Concave or convex,                                          
I lust after sex;                                           
I'm really quite helpless, God knows.                       
                                                            
30674 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Armand E Singer       540



There was a young Russian named Pavel                       
Who said to his girl, "Let's not cavil.                     
I want you to pose there                                    
Without any clothes there,                                  
And I'll bang away with my gavel.                           
                                                            
30675 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Isaac Asimov             



Said another young Russian, Ivan,                           
"Pray put all your clothing back on.                        
You have nothing, my dear,                                  
That amuses me here,                                        
But recline, Pavel, on the divan."                          
                                                            
30676 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Isaac Asimov             



Then in rushed a third Russian, Boris,                      
Who said, "May I join this glad chorus?                     
I am always perplexed                                       
By those unisexed;                                          
For my part let each sex adore us."                         
                                                            
30677 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Isaac Asimov             



It's a custom of Frothingham Frenn                          
To suggest sex to women and men...                          
He smirks, "You run chances                                 
Making two-way advances,                                    
But Man, the payoff now and then!"                          
                                                            
30678 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Grand Prix Lim  710      



A bi-sexed has only two wishes.                             
His hetero remains un-suspicious.                           
Then when yen has died,                                     
And he's Mr. Hyde,                                          
He quick-finds a Jekyl who swishes.                         
                                                            
30679 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Irving Superior     P9103



An Irishman Seamus O'Shea                                   
Tried to screw a young virgin from May-                     
o. He said, "Though it's slim,                              
It's too big for your quim,                                 
But I know it Fitzpatrick OK."                              
                                                            
30680 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Peter Wilkins            



A confused young man named Troy,                            
Not sure if a girl or a boy,                                
Sucked off a lass                                           
Who he fucked in the ass.                                   
Then mused, am I Jew or a Goy?                              
                                                            
30681 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



You may think this verse is ungodly,                        
And henceforth will look at me oddly.                       
Too long I'm supressing,                                    
But now I'm confessing...                                   
I'm lesbian, in a man's body.                               
                                                            
30682 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



A faggot at me made a pass,                                 
He was after my lovely fat ass.                             
I told him "Look here mate!                                 
I'm not gay; I'm straight!"                                 
He said "I don't care: guy or lass!"                        
                                                            
30683 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Funny Bone               



He had this bum fetish, you see,                            
And the size of mine filled him with glee.                  
But what sex didn't matter,                                 
As long as 'twas fatter,                                    
And would fit his thin seven inch tree.                     
                                                            
30684 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Funny Bone               



There once was a man named Bob;                             
He liked a good slob on his knob.                           
Be it he or a she                                           
No matter you see,                                          
Bob was a bisex with his cob.                               
                                                            
30685 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Anon                     



There once was a woman named Jess;                          
Bisexual , she would confess.                               
She loved a good dick,                                      
But pussy she'd lick                                        
And leave both a wet gooey mess.                            
                                                            
30686 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



There once was a fellow named Bob,                          
Who in sexual ways was a snob.                              
One day he was swimmin'                                     
With twelve naked women,                                    
And deserted them all for a gob.                            
(gob - sailor)                                              
30687 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



Your Athenian man was no prude.                             
He savored female pulchritude,                              
But was also turned on                                      
By the muscle and brawn                                     
Of male athletes who performed nude.                        
                                                            
30688 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               A. N. Wilkins       P9210



In college, I knew a girl, Kate --                          
Who became bisexual of late.                                
She said, "He or she,                                       
Doesn't matter to me --                                     
It doubles my chance for a date!"                           
                                                            
30689 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Kaylin                   



An honest old sinner named Wood                             
Confessed, "I am really no good;                            
Concave or convex,                                          
I can't resist sex;                                         
It's not than I'm misunderstood."                           
                                                            
30690 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Armand E Singer       589



There was a teenager named Kurtz                            
Who had sex with a bunch of young squirts,                  
Till a selfless coed                                        
Took the bastard to bed.                                    
Since then he has sex just with skirts.                     
                                                            
30691 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               A. N. Wilkins       P8701



On reflexion, one thing's very clear;                       
My ex-wife was bisexual, I fear.                            
I say this because                                          
The simple fact was                                         
She only liked sex twice a year!                            
                                                            
30692 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Observer                 



A three-letter man on Long Island,         (Fag)            
Did a four-letter word on Fire Island      (Fuck)           
With disastrous effects--                                   
Now he's practicing sex                                     
With a five-letter gal out in Thailand.    (Whore)          
                                                            
30693 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Grand Prix Lim  753 G0999



There once was a man from LA,                               
Who was neither quite straight nor quite gay.               
Chris was his name;                                         
With both genders the same,                                 
Both sides of the field he would play.                      
                                                            
30694 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Gerald LaCorte           



A hillbilly from West Virginia                              
Said, "I don't have nothing agin ya',                       
But I'm not a queer,                                        
So keep it quiet, dear.                                     
We'll pretend you a girl while I'm in ya'.                  
                                                            
30695 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Mike M              T9801



Young Emily, sometimes called Greedy Em,                    
Simply scorned what was average and medium.                 
Though she had seven men,                                   
She would want, now and then,                               
Some dames for relieving the tedium.                        
                                                            
30696 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Isaac Asimov             



My roomie announced he was bi,                              
I exclaimed, well so am I!                                  
Now we "shop" together,                                     
And I wonder whether                                        
We'll fight o'er the same gal or guy.                       
                                                            
30697 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



There was a young lady named Candy,                         
Who made do, when no boys were handy,                       
With a girlfriend or two--                                  
Sometimes Betty Lou,                                        
But more often Belinda and Mandy.                           
                                                            
30698 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               John Ciardi              



There is a young man from mid-Wales,                        
Whose romantic technique never fails.                       
All the girls he has dissed with,                           
Throughout Aberystwyth,                                     
And more than a few of the males.                           
                                                            
30699 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Richard Long             



What's this?  Does sweet Carol imply                        
That I'm busy with some other gay guy?                      
I can not believe her;                                      
She knows I love beaver                                     
[But also some males that are bi.]                          
                                                            
30700 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



I am sorry the rumor is rife                                
That I never have sex with my wife,                         
For I have it with her,                                     
Mabel Mertz and Miss Burr,                                  
Millie, Sally, Sue, Flo and Joe Fife!                       
                                                            
30701 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Grand Prix Lim   90      



Could a man from the old town of Loway,                     
Avoid gals for a year?  Men bet no-way.                     
But our hero, undaunted,                                    
Got the nookie he wanted.                                   
All he did for twelve months was to go gay.                 
                                                            
30702 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Robert Elliot            



While sipping a cool ginger beer,                           
I thought: what's it like to be queer?                      
It must be a shame                                          
Not to fancy a dame,                                        
With her curves and her bumps here and here.                
                                                            
30703 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



I know what I want for my present;                          
It's something quite smutty and pleasant.                   
My God, No! You fool!                                       
It's not your big tool!                                     
But a twat which is quite effervescent.                     
                                                            
30704 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Cyberhog            T9801



Said a certain young fellow named Martin,                   
"It is never too late to be startin'.                       
I'll find me a girl                                         
And give it a whirl."                                       
Now he and his boyfriend are partin'.                       
                                                            
30705 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Isaac Asimov             



In a discussion I had intellectual,                         
My friend said you know in effectual,                       
Your choice is times two                                    
When you need a screw,                                      
If the lifestyle you choose is bisexual.                    
                                                            
30706 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



"Since my sex is bi-sex," cried Casey,                      
"I've chosen a city that's racy.                            
With it's either-or zest,                                   
I get letters addressed                                     
To Washington D.C. or A.C."                                 
                                                            
30707 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Kevin's Limerick Page    



The 60's weren't all fields of clover;                      
At communes, when choosing a lover,                         
It became a prerequisite                                    
To know just what sex is it,                                
Before asking it to turn over.                              
                                                            
30708 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Evelyn L                 



There once was a man named Ben                              
Who loved both women and men.                               
Any time, any day,                                          
He could go either way;                                     
He just never knew where or when.                           
                                                            
30709 HOMOS - BISEXUAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



A jaded old faggot named Roys,                              
Tired of transvestites and boys,                            
Said he, with a sigh,                                       
"I'm afraid I must try,                                     
A woman for sexual joys."                                   
                                                            
30710 HOMOS - BISEXUAL                                        



A lesbian bride known as Sherry,                            
Said her lust for her husband wasn't very.                  
"This normal coition                                        
Is a big imposition.                                        
To my innermost desires, it's contrary."                    
                                                            
30711 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Bruce Thompson           



Sherry's husband was a selfish lout who                     
Would interrupt her and shout, "Now! Let's screw!"          
But Sherry got even                                         
By saying, "Sure Steven,                                    
Just don't wake me up when you're through."                 
                                                            
30712 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Bruce Thompson           



She walks with a roll and a wiggle,                         
And seems always up for a giggle;                           
You feed her up good,                                       
And she'll take your wood.                                  
But then, folks, I guess any pig'll.                        
                                                            
30713 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Tiddy Ogg                



Though lacking a masculine spout,                           
She's attractive to girlies, no doubt,                      
For the way that she grunts                                 
While she's nudging their cunts,                            
With her splendidly flexible snout.                         
                                                            
30714 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Peter Wilkins            



The teeth of a pig can be vicious,                          
And if the sow's feeling malicious,                         
Best keep your pudenda                                      
Away from the end o'                                        
The beast or your wick'll have fissures.                    
                                                            
30715 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Tiddy Ogg                



"I love you, Miss Buss," said Miss Beale.                   
"Oh Beale," said Miss Buss with a squeal,                   
"I too have a lust                                          
For you deep in my bust,                                    
Which I've yearned for some years to reveal."               
                                                            
30716 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Buss..." said Miss Beale as her chest                   
Rose mightily under her vest;                               
"Oh Beale...", said Miss Buss                               
As her bust made a fuss,                                    
Like a pair of blancmanges possessed.                       
                                                            
30717 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Peter Wilkins            



And thus did Miss Buss and Miss Beale,                      
Their lust for each other reveal:                           
Together they pressed                                       
Themselves chest to chest,                                  
And declared that their love was for real.                  
                                                            
30718 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Peter Wilkins            



A fortnight has passed since I've posted                    
A limerick wherein I've boasted                             
Of pereginations                                            
And hot procreations,                                       
With women whose pussies I've hosted.                       
                                                            
30719 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



So therefore, I share with my journal,                      
This tale of two tails quite supernal;                      
Forsooth, tell I will                                       
This decadent thrill,                                       
Occurring not long hence, nocturnal.                        
                                                            
30720 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



While dining at "Ralph and Kakoos,"                         
A restaurant with rave reviews,                             
My favorite retreat                                         
On old Bopurbon Street,                                     
I met a young wench with tattoos.                           
                                                            
30721 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



She was a Mulatto whose skin                                
Was olive in color, and in                                  
Her eyes of deep blue,                                      
A passionate hue,                                           
I saw the seduction of sin.                                 
                                                            
30722 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



Since I'm such exploitable prey,                            
She strolled in her hot, sultry way,                        
Straight up to my table                                     
And asked, "Are you able                                    
To go to my playground to play?"                            
                                                            
30723 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



Well, under the spell of her charm,                         
In seconds, we left arm in arm.                             
Down by the canal,                                          
She hailed her old pal,                                     
A Cajun gal who owned a farm.                               
                                                            
30724 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



That Cajun gal said, "My oh, me oh!"                        
Make haste fast and gats in my pirogue;                     
We cross dat ol' swamp                                      
To have us good romp                                        
Before de sun rise on dis trio!"                            
                                                            
30725 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



Through fog and around cypress knees,                       
Those girls paddled trying to squeeze                       
'Twixt gators and stumps,                                   
While showing their rumps                                   
And promising me some great sleaze.                         
                                                            
30726 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



The swamp's perils we three survived,                       
And soon at the farm we arrived;                            
I urged them to hurry,                                      
My mind was all blurry,                                     
I knew that my time was short-lived.                        
                                                            
30727 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



Like drunks with a barrel of scotch,                        
Those two imbibed each other's crotch,                      
While I sat close by                                        
(I thought I would die!)                                    
With nothing to do except watch.                            
                                                            
30728 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



Those bitches, they touched, licked and kissed;             
Not one spec of body was missed.                            
Their titties they nuzzled;                                 
Their pussies they guzzled;                                 
Ignoring me, I was quite pissed.                            
                                                            
30729 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



That night I thought I'd be their hero;                     
Instead I got nothing but zero;                             
No, I take that back,                                       
Before the dawn's crack,                                    
I got the hell out in that pirogue.                         
                                                            
30730 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



Now folks if you ever should be                             
On Bourbon Street, and you should see                       
A sexy Mulatto,                                             
Remember her twatto                                         
Has never been ravaged by me.                               
                                                            
30731 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



It's you backwoods boys from the sticks,                    
Should be leery of Bourbon Street chicks.                   
Watch out for the cutie                                     
That offers you bootie;                                     
Attached you'll find balls and a prick!                     
                                                            
30732 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Goin2later               



Good reason to get out my Witch hat                         
And attempt to assuage a hot itch that                      
I've felt for a while,                                      
Let me treat you in style -                                 
I'll come round for some nasty clit chat.                   
                                                            
30733 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



There was a young belle from Bombay,                        
Who never had thought herself gay.                          
'Till a queen from Siam                                     
Said, "My dear, you're not jam!"                            
And brought that one out right away.                        
(Out of the closet - to acknowledge homosexuality)          
30734 HOMOS - FEMALE                                     L0455



I'm seldom a PC offender  (politically correct)             
But a lesbian's not a contender                             
With a man who's possesive,                                 
Since she's mannish depressive                              
And full of delusions of gender.                            
                                                            
30735 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Hugh Clary               



There once was a Dutchman named Mike                        
Who brought on a lesbian strike                             
Through no fault of his own;                                
By birth he was prone                                       
To trying to finger a dyke.                                 
                                                            
30736 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Norm Storer              



I knew this young lady named Anna,                          
She hung with a gal called Roxana...                        
While not 'xactly gay                                       
They'd do girls halfway                                     
Then watch as they sang "Oh Susannah"                       
                                                            
30737 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Two lesbians north of the town                              
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.                         
Their unbridled lust                                        
Leaked out in the dust                                      
And made so much mud that they drowned.                     
                                                            
30738 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



Said a cute little lesbian Swede,                           
With a hole to be plugged, she'll concede,                  
"I know you are Dutch,                                      
So it shouldn't take much.                                  
I'm a dyke -- it's a finger I need."                        
                                                            
30739 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Bob Birch                



The Bistro was known as Cumquat Tree,                       
And elegant intimate dykerie...                             
For girls with pert tits                                    
And perky young clits,                                      
The management waived every fee.                            
                                                            
30740 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



Please tell me, what is the address?                        
I want to watch lezzies caress.                             
And fondle and squeeze,                                     
Poke, prod, and tease;                                      
At what, I'll just let you guess.                           
                                                            
30741 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Funny Bone               



The address, as you see, is as follows:                     
Soixante-neuf Avenue des Apollos.                           
But they only let in                                        
Those to Sappho akin,                                       
Who have at their crotch, dusky hollows.                    
                                                            
30742 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



The tile in my bathroom is striking,                        
The girl in the shower's a dykeling.                        
She's a sweet fine young thing,                             
And she makes my heart sing,                                
And performs very much to my liking.                        
                                                            
30743 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



Our muses have all cried "Manana",                          
And trundled off back to nirvana,                           
To nakedly run                                              
In lesbian fun,                                             
With help from electric bananas.                            
                                                            
30744 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



There was an old lady named Beryl                           
Who had a young sister named Cheryl.                        
Some people did say                                         
That these women were gay,                                  
'Cause Beryl and Cheryl were feral.                         
                                                            
30745 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Aussie Owl               



A Lesbian Dutch girl named Wyck                             
Was walking along down the pike,                            
When horrors, some lad,                                     
Abysmally bad,                                              
Plunged finger deep into the dyke.                          
                                                            
30746 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Armand E Singer        21



"I'll screw any girl that I like,"                          
Said an amorous Dutchman named Mike.                        
But sad though it seems,                                    
The girl of his dreams                                      
Had her finger stuck in a dyke.                             
                                                            
30747 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Sam Pittman        TP9806



My friend's mom, boy, she's a whore,                        
But one day she pissed on the floor!                        
For when the door bell rang                                 
She opened the thang;                                       
There was her gay love from the store!                      
                                                            
30748 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Well Hollywood's throwing a fit                             
Since Ellen and Ann said they quit.                         
Their quick separation                                      
Has caused a sensation.                                     
They say Ellen's mad at Ann's split.                        
                                                            
30749 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Travis Brasell           



The talk of the town's how they could,                      
And why everyone thought that they should.                  
Even though they are lesbians                               
And just so-so thespians,                                   
Together for the sake of Hollywood.                         
                                                            
30750 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Toolman                  



The word from the talk-of-the-townies                       
Is that Anne got a case of the frownies,                    
Because Ellen, it seems,                                    
Though the girl of her dreams,                              
Was often caught eating some Brownies.                      
                                                            
30751 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Hugh Clary               



There once was a fellow named Roddy,                        
Who was trapped in a woman's body.                          
Her therapist said,                                         
It was all in her head,                                     
But it was his head in her body.                            
                                                            
30752 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Anon                     



The lesbian hooker felt snide,                              
To her eager johns having their ride.                       
Though she yelled out for more,                             
She thought "I could snore!                                 
But I feed all my friends on Northside."                    
                                                            
30753 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Bruce Thompson           



A closeted dyke had a song in her,                          
For her rich hubby saw nothing wrong in her.                
She was a plucky young wench,                               
And tried not to flinch,                                    
As he thrust his huge purple-veined dong in her.            
                                                            
30754 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Bruce Thompson           



There once was a dyke name of Sue,                          
Who loved to take girls out to screw.                       
I'd never defame her --                                     
Can't say that I blame her --                               
You see, I'm a lesbian, too!                                
                                                            
30755 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



An aristocrat, Lady Nanette,                                
Was helped at her daily toilette                            
By a tease of a maid,                                       
Just made to be laid,                                       
So my Lady obliged that coquette.                           
                                                            
30756 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Tutta                    



There's no need to look at me oddly,                        
Or tell me that I am ungodly,                               
'Cause I fancy Karen,                                       
And Sharon, not Darren...                                   
I'm a lesbian in a man's body.                              
                                                            
30757 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



Miss Lewinsky, one fine autumn day                          
A sleazy new tale did convey.                               
She said, "On a whim                                        
I licked Hillary's quim                                     
Now I go the DeGeneres way."                                
                                                            
30758 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



We men should not put up a fuss                             
When a woman for women has lust.                            
For it should be clear,                                     
It's not at all queer;                                      
She just likes the same thing as us.                        
                                                            
30759 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Brasell                  



So well stacked was the coed named Brenda,                  
All the studs wished to part her pudenda.                   
But to their dismay,                                        
They found her first lay                                    
Was not Tom, Dick, or Harry, but Glenda.                    
                                                            
30760 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Smitdog Duarte           



While sitting in a dim-lighted bar,                         
I noticed her there from afar.                              
But instead of a mister,                                    
She went home with my sister,                               
So I walk with a limp to my car.                            
                                                            
30761 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Anon                     



Joan's note to her hubby said: "Bye,                        
But please know it's no other guy;                          
It's just that I've got                                     
To have in my twat                                          
The tongue of your sister -- that's why!"                   
                                                            
30762 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



There was a young tart from the South End,                  
Tried lesbian sex with a girl friend.                       
With a moan and a grunt,                                    
She licked her mates cunt,                                  
And loved the experience no end.                            
                                                            
30763 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Anon                     



There was a young girl from Decatur,                        
Who fought her parents plans to mate her.                   
They sent her boys,                                         
Both Jews and goys,                                         
But she loved the woman who ate her.                        
                                                            
30764 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A Lesbian on a divan                                        
Ate sushi right out of the can.                             
The smell of the fish                                       
And the rice made her wish                                  
That her lover'd come back from Japan!                      
                                                            
30765 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Thunderwing              



Said Helen to Sappho, "Away us!                             
And quick, before Sparta's in chaos.                        
Young Paris ain't scary;                                    
I think he's a fairy;                                       
But stay, and I fear Menelaus."                             
                                                            
30766 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



A group of blind Lesbians were lunchin'                     
Together to have a big luncheon.                            
But no one could tell,                                      
Except by the smell,                                        
Exactly whose cunt each was munchin'.                       
                                                            
30767 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Alan Oz                  



There once was a dyke from B.C.                             
Who went off on a hetero spree.                             
She said, "With some luck                                   
I might get a fuck                                          
From a like-minded lesbo like me."                          
                                                            
30768 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Sherm Brucker            



Well, the straight folk can think what they like            
But gay unions are going on strike.                         
They'd respected the law                                    
Up until the last straw,                                    
When the Judge said to take in a dyke.                      
                                                            
30769 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Neal Wilgus         P8608



Last night, your girlfriend I stole;                        
I decided to fill up her hole.                              
But I ran away                                              
When she said she was gay;                                  
Her hole was no longer a goal.                              
                                                            
30770 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A lady who lived in Corfu                                   
Heard quaffing semen's good for you.                        
But her tunnel was sapphic                                  
And closed to male traffic,                                 
So its benifits she had to eschew.                          
                                                            
30771 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Robert Elliot            



A naive college student named Mike,                         
Who majored in Abnormal Psych,                              
When he tried to take May                                   
For a roll in the hay,                                      
Said, "I wasn't informed she's a dyke!"                     
                                                            
30772 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Frank Ward          P9310



I'll tell you the story of Fred Moss;                       
At salesmanship he was a dead loss.                         
He couldn't sell ewes                                       
For Aussie blokes screws,                                   
Or dildoes to ladies of Lesbos.                             
                                                            
30773 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Tiddy Ogg                



Well, you can imagine the gloom                             
That descended on ancient Khartoum                          
When the judge's decision                                   
Made lesbianism                                             
An improper use of the womb.                                
                                                            
30774 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Neal Wilgus         P8507



There was a weird chick called May,                         
Who contemplated being gay.                                 
She found a sexy, big-titted chick,                         
Without the complications of a dick,                        
And now all she says is "YAY!!!"                            
                                                            
30775 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



I knew her when he was Jose,                                
And sang in a Spanish cafe.                                 
Looking for romance,                                        
He found Ogg in France,                                     
And became a woman that day.                                
                                                            
30776 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



A lesbian raped in Van Nuys                                 
By a passel of passionate guys                              
Said, "I thought hetero-sexing                              
Would be very vexing,                                       
But this session's sure opened my thighs!"                  
                                                            
30777 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Grand Prix Lim  533      



Religious beliefs of May Quick,                             
The dyke, make her worried and sick.                        
You're reincarnated                                         
As what you most hated,                                     
She's going to come back as a prick.                        
                                                            
30778 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Tiddy Ogg                



If by Sappho you're tempted, my dear,                       
From her you have nothing to fear.                          
Try her a while,                                            
Return that sweet smile,                                    
And see how you feel in a year.                             
                                                            
30779 HOMOS - FEMALE                 TuttaGioia               



I once wrote a song with those words,                       
But lesbian friends thought them turds.                     
They said "Hi, you're hairy,                                
And sometimes quite scary.                                  
And No, you can't check us for curds!"                      
                                                            
30780 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



My nubile young friend's name is Cory;                      
We make love in sisterly glory.                             
How could such gentle sex                                   
The authorities vex,                                        
And end in a crime, statutory?                              
                                                            
30781 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



Theater-struck Sue and Glenda,                              
Had acting upon their agenda,                               
But failing as thespians,                                   
They tried out as lesbians,                                 
And starred on each other's pudenda.                        
                                                            
30782 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Ed Potts            P8503



For lesbians, there is not a cure.                          
I have tried, of this I am sure.                            
But I've often been told,                                   
"It's much nicer to hold,                                   
Than all the dick I must endure."                           
                                                            
30783 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Funny Bone               



There was a young lady named Sherry                         
Seduced by the lesbian Mary.                                
She found love that day,                                    
And with dykes she'll stay,                                 
But she still hasn't lost her cherry.                       
                                                            
30784 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



Miss Buss and Miss Beale are a gruesome                     
Victorian lesbian twosome.                                  
Miss Buss likes 'em buxom                                   
Young girlies and sucks 'em;                                
Miss Beale likes 'em hairless and chews 'em.                
                                                            
30785 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



So well stacked was a freshman named Brenda,                
That the studs yearned to part her pudenda.                 
So they all were irate                                      
When her first campus date,                                 
Wasn't Tom, Dick, or Harry--but Glenda!                     
                                                            
30786 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



I saw when she reached her MG,                              
The breeze pressed her skirt to her vee.                    
I caught her sweet scent                                    
As I sensed discontent,                                     
I thought, if she'd just hear my plea.                      
                                                            
30787 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



I approached and I said, "Will you hear                     
What I feel in my heart, without fear?"                     
She gazed in my eyes                                        
And showed no surprise.                                     
Then I whispered so soft in her ear...                      
                                                            
30788 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



"I'm Linda and saw you inside,                              
And noticed how from hin you shied.                         
I think we're the same,                                     
Who can love without shame                                  
Our sisters, with soul and with pride!"                     
                                                            
30789 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



As I spoke she soon started to cry,                         
I held her and dried her bright eye...                      
I asked, "What is wrong?"                                   
She said, "They're so strong...                             
The feelings I have, most decry!"                           
                                                            
30790 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



We spoke not again all that night,                          
But our passion released, just took flight.                 
I awoke in the morning                                      
And sensed a clear warning...                               
On the bed was a note, "I will write..."                    
                                                            
30791 HOMOS - FEMALE                 OgniGioia                



There once were three girls who were Brits                  
Who tickled and fondled their tits,                         
But then came Lucenda                                       
Who preferred their pudenda,                                
And now they're obsessed with their clits.                  
                                                            
30792 HOMOS - FEMALE                                          



A famous French artist, Jean Corot,                         
Lived alone in celibate sorrow.                             
At last, late in life,                                      
He wed a lesbian wife.                                      
For what follows, tune in tomorrow...                       
                                                            
30793 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Ed Wolfert          P8405



A lesbian girl from Bayonne                                 
Spent a passionate night with her clone.                    
But alas, this brief session                                
Led both to depression,                                     
For they waited, but both didn't phone.                     
                                                            
30794 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Graham Lester            



A dyke at a beauty convention,                              
Provoked a great deal of dissension;                        
They discovered that she,                                   
After paying her fee,                                       
Labored under a Miss Apprehension.                          
                                                            
30795 HOMOS - FEMALE                 Bob Giandominico    P0107



She was horny as hell, oddball Helen,                       
So you'd guess she'd be soothin' my swellin'.               
But not on your life,                                       
She went after my wife!                                     
Causing lots of upheaval and yellin'.                       
                                                            
30796 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          John Miller              



There was a young sapphic named Anna,                       
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with a banana,                
Which she sucked bit by bit                                 
From her partner's warm slit,                               
In the most approved lesbian manner.                        
                                                            
30797 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                              L0764



Lady Sylvia Shaftsbury-Simms                                
Was given to unnatural whims.                               
She was easy to please                                      
With a bevy of shes.                                        
(But if normal, she would have had hims!)                   
                                                            
30798 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Warrick Elrod            



The bull dyke once said to the femme,                       
Quit your lusting ad hominem.                               
I'm queer and your free,                                    
And this dildo you see?                                     
Up your snatch it will go, greased with phlegm.             
                                                            
30799 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Buster                   



The bull dyke once said to the femme,                       
"I'll bet that your pussy's a gem.                          
You nips are like berries,                                  
Your lips are like cherries,                                
And your 'cum' is the creme de la creme!"                   
                                                            
30800 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Ogden Nield              



A Princeton sophomore named "T",                            
Who came from East Tennessee,                               
Would stand outside the dorm,                               
Watch a long male line form,                                
Till she serviced each coed for free!                       
                                                            
30801 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Uncle Jack               



A dyke on the Bay of Biscay                                 
Frigs herself with her thumbs twice a day.                  
But a bitch in Australia                                    
Prefers male genitalia,                                     
And fucks 'em in scores without pay.                        
                                                            
30802 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                              G0528



A policeman who lived at the junction                       
Once was called to a lesbian's luncheon.                    
As he walked through the door,                              
He was flung to the floor                                   
And had a knot tied in his truncheon.                       
                                                            
30803 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Peter Hodge              



A truck driving lesbo called Spike                          
Hauls dildoes by night down the pike,                       
And if asked by the fuzz,                                   
What it is that she does,                                   
She replies, "I'm a fake-dick-van dyke."                    
                                                            
30804 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                                   



A well-meaning Dutch lad named Mike                         
Rammed finger hard into the dyke;                           
The fight started then                                      
'Cause she hated all men,                                   
And goddam near killed the poor tyke.                       
                                                            
30805 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Armand E Singer        16



A large, colored dyke from Atlanta                          
Said, "If you must know dear, I plan tuh                    
Finger-fuck Mother Hayes                                    
On Times Square for three days.                             
It's a project that's sponsored by ANTA."                   
                                                            
30806 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                              G2673



There once was a man from Bombay,                           
Who swore that his wife was gay.                            
His indication                                              
Was her masturbation,                                       
With the girl from next door named Rene,                    
                                                            
30807 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Jim Weaver Collection    



A bull-dyke of complexion sallow,                           
Screamed, "Pricks are like wicks without tallow.            
Why all men admit,                                          
They'd prefer a clit."                                      
(That's something I find hard to swallow.)                  
                                                            
30808 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                              G0902



There was a young lezzy from Wick,                          
Who loved sex until she was sick.                           
The horny young hussy,                                      
Enjoyed eating pussy,                                       
But hated the sight of a dick.                              
                                                            
30809 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                                   



A passionate poetess of Sappho                              
Said "The men folk are strictly riff-raff-o.                
When they call in a tizzy,                                  
I just say I'm busy,                                        
But the girls I give time and a half-o"                     
                                                            
30810 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Elli Howland        P8903



The plump-bottomed chap must enjoy                          
Being lewdly addressed as a boy.                            
As she smokes a cigar                                       
In the Public Bar,                                          
She's a Lesbian lady named Roy.                             
                                                            
30811 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Gents Alphabet Book P9508



Two dykes got to speaking one day,                          
About their preferred form of play.                         
One said, "Isn't the hunt                                   
For a nice juicy cunt,                                      
Far better than your average lay?"                          
                                                            
30812 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Anon                     



Is Alice a bulldyke or what?                                
She's always playing with her twat!                         
Someone else's would do,                                    
But she'd rather chew                                       
A nice one that is big, hard and hot!                       
                                                            
30813 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a lady, Ms. Rich                             
Who suffered always the same itch --                        
To give it a scratch                                        
She'd eat teenage snatch,                                   
That dirty, cunt-licking bitch!                             
                                                            
30814 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                                   



Said the man-hating Lesbian dyke,                           
As she sharpened her large butcher knife,                   
"I'll find me a jock,                                       
And cut off his cock,                                       
And make him eat pussy all night!"                          
                                                            
30815 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Wildman             T9711



When a lesbian pedophile dickers                            
At Maude's, for some underage trickers,                     
She is given the story,                                     
"Alas, we are sorry,                                        
But we don't serve our minors to lickers."                  
                                                            
30816 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Hugh Clary               



Said Dana who used to be Dan,                               
"I've realized I don't want a man.                          
This comes as a shock,                                      
Now that I've bobbed my cock.                               
It looks like I'm now lesbian."                             
                                                            
30817 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Skumbunny                



There once was a lezzie from France                         
With gals she'd always take a chance.                       
She'd wine 'em and dine 'em                                 
And then 69 'em;                                            
All pussy paid in advance.                                  
                                                            
30818 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Bryan King               



An accomplished bull-dyke Roxanne,                          
Had tried it all once with a man.                           
After they were all done,                                   
She said, "It was fun,                                      
But I'll stick with my old girlfriend, Nan."                
                                                            
30819 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Nik Synytyskyy           



There was an old lez of Seringapatam,                       
Who always wore pants and did not give a damn.              
No bra cramped her titty,                                   
Her ass was all shitty,                                     
And whenever she piddled, she strode like a man.            
                                                            
30820 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                              G1451



The reason our lesbians, Hugh,                              
"Aren't doing dick" (your point of view!)                   
Is that they're so lazy,                                    
And also quite crazy,                                       
About scaggy cunts -- same as you!                          
                                                            
30821 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                                   



There once was this guy called Mike,                        
Who met this chick he really liked.                         
He tried to get near,                                       
And she gave him a sneer,                                   
'Cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.                   
                                                            
30822 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                                   



Since the girls found no joys in her lap,                   
Sue chopped off her big brother's tap.                      
At his death she'd not repent,                              
But fixed it with cement,                                   
And wore it in place with a strap.                          
                                                            
30823 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Anon                     



I know a young girl named Geneva,                           
Who was sick and had cabin fever.                           
She doesn't like meat,                                      
Or pickled pig's feet,                                      
But she sure like the tast of a Beaver.                     
                                                            
30824 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Tony                     



A cantankerous female, Inez;                                
Some claim that she is a lez.                               
Though big, gruff, and burly,                               
She's a very nice girlie,                                   
Despite what her thigh tattoo says.                         
                                                            
30825 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          John K. Roberts     P9302



Said a Lesbian lady, "It's sad.                             
Of all the girls that I've had,                             
None gave me the thrill                                     
Of real rapture until                                       
I learned how to be a tribade."                             
(Tribade - one who simulates sexual intercourse)            
30826 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                              L0342



A fox has a natural yen                                     
To eat up a plump little hen.                               
Dear Val is the same;                                       
So please don't defame;                                     
She loves eating twat -- just like men.                     
                                                            
30827 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL          Gertrude Pippin          



A teen girl, while watching some porn                       
With her mother, was looking forlorn;                       
So her mom asked, "What's wrong?"                           
The girl answered, "I long                                  
For a taste, Mom, of where I was born."                     
                                                            
30828 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                                   



It's nice Mom and daughter can share,                       
These special moments to prepare,                           
Her for life ahead,                                         
With no fear or dread.                                      
I'm glad that some families care.                           
                                                            
30829 HOMOS - FEMALE - BULL                                   



Ms. Bryant once sold orange juice.                          
Anita loathed gays on the loose.                            
But she said, in one form,                                  
That if gay were the norm,                                  
God would have made Adam and Bruce.                         
(Anita Bryant, singer and bible banger)                     
30830 HOMOS - MALE                   Michael Polo        P9004



A pervy young fellow named Brock                            
Was quite addicted to cock.                                 
He was last seen                                            
Down by the beach-scene,                                    
Between a hard place and a rock.                            
                                                            
30831 HOMOS - MALE                                            



A cabbie who worked in Bombay                               
Was widely known to be gay.                                 
When adding his tips,                                       
He would lick off his lips                                  
And exclaim "What an excellent day!"                        
                                                            
30832 HOMOS - MALE                   S. Chermbrucker          



An erotic young fellow is Thrumming;                        
To his beauty the world is succumbing.                      
The sight of his rear                                       
Is dainty and dear,                                         
And the view of his front is becoming.                      
                                                            
30833 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A queer long ago in Regina                                  
Was booked for assaulting a mina;                           
Though not, I should add,                                   
Some cute little lad,                                       
But a pick-wielding fat forty-niner.                        
                                                            
30834 HOMOS - MALE                   Hugh Oliver           85a



Three bright little boys from the ballet,                   
Had a lovely night out at the Palais.                       
But the end of their day,                                   
I am sorry to say,                                          
Was spent with three Burghers from Calais.                  
                                                            
30835 HOMOS - MALE                                            



There once was a man from Sag Harbor,                       
Who used to go with a fag barber.                           
He gave some auditions                                      
In many positions,                                          
And now he plays flute with Jan Garber.                     
                                                            
30836 HOMOS - MALE                                       L0426



"Sir, the chef's in a bit of a stew.                        
A man with the cutest kazoo                                 
Has come in the kitchen                                     
With manners, bewitchin',                                   
And basted his meat with the roux."                         
                                                            
30837 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I always wanted to meet a fairy;                            
Last night with his legs so hairy,                          
We both had some beer.                                      
I felt a little queer;                                      
And now of wishes, I am somewhat wary.                      
                                                            
30838 HOMOS - MALE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Friend James wasn't what you'd call hot;                    
Didn't care what he gave or he got.                         
Or if he was blown                                          
Or got off alone;                                           
Yes, James was a bit of a snot.                             
                                                            
30839 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young fellow of Wadham,                         
Who asked for a ticket to Sodom.                            
When they said, "We prefer                                  
Not to issue them, Sir."                                    
He said, "Don't call me 'Sir'!  Call me 'Modom'"!           
                                                            
30840 HOMOS - MALE                                            



A desperate homo called Cliff                               
Often cruises the Thames in a skiff.                        
From Wadsworth to Putney                                    
He searches for chutney,                                    
And ferrets it out with his stiff.                          
                                                            
30841 HOMOS - MALE                   Peter Wilkins            



Said the barker, gay Ethelbert Russell,                     
"This circus life sure makes me hustle!                     
But the costumes excite me,                                 
The glitter delights me,                                    
And I just LOVE THE STRONG MAN'S MUSCLE!"                   
                                                            
30842 HOMOS - MALE                   Ann Gasser          P8711



After vainly invoking the Muse,                             
A poet cried, "Hell, what's the use!                        
There's more inspiration                                    
At Grand Central Station.                                   
I shall go there this moment and cruise."                   
                                                            
30843 HOMOS - MALE                   W. H. Auden   P0110 P8512



A gorgeous young fag of Budapest                            
Just adored to depants and trasvest.                        
With things between legs                                    
He'd take ostrich eggs,                                     
And achieve a coq-succulent breast.                         
                                                            
30844 HOMOS - MALE                   Mahlon Blaine  G2094     



A pansy, a pimp, and a ponce                                
Drew their weapons in darkest Provence.                     
The ponce and the pimp                                      
Came all over limp,                                         
And the pansy escaped, for the nonce.                       
                                                            
30845 HOMOS - MALE                   Beelzebub                



There once was a cynical sot                                
Quite in love with a man who was not.                       
Though constantly spurned,                                  
Ever faithful, he returned                                  
To deliver another bon mot.                                 
                                                            
30846 HOMOS - MALE                   Grantaire                



A handsome young fellow named Newman                        
Had heavenly screwing acumen.                               
A supernatural fairy?                                       
He said, "No! My God Mary!                                  
I have to admit I'm just human."                            
                                                            
30847 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



That young man named Simpson was handsome                   
And he married the widow, Ms. Ransom.                       
It turns out she's a whore                                  
And to even the score,                                      
He's been seeing a faggot named Samson.                     
                                                            
30848 HOMOS - MALE                   Neal Wilgus         P8507



A queer friend, who is peripatetic,                         
Writes: "Ireland, my dear, is magnetic:                     
The faires and elves                                        
Simply offer themselves --                                  
Rather small, but most sympathetic."                        
                                                            
30849 HOMOS - MALE                   W. H. Auden         P8512



A wealthy old fairy named Heitz                             
Avoids controversial fights                                 
By paying top prices                                        
To humor his vices,                                         
And all of his foul appetites.                              
                                                            
30850 HOMOS - MALE                   Armand E Singer       308



There once was a fellow named Plume,                        
A weaver, by trade, in St Hume.                             
He was dainty and merry                                     
And kind of a fairy.                                        
They called him the fruit of the loom.                      
                                                            
30851 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



So you males who are too freaking tender,                   
Or preocccupied with your own splender,                     
I have one thing to say,                                    
Stay out of my way                                          
And find someone of your own gender.                        
                                                            
30852 HOMOS - MALE                   Ann Gasser          P9111



There once was a fellow named Ryan,                         
To fuck him the young girls were dying.                     
But he made them all cry                                    
'Cause he passed them all by;                               
'Twas guys that this Ryan was eyeing.                       
                                                            
30853 HOMOS - MALE                   Bob Leclerc              



A footman, once know as Peach Fuzz,                         
Thought a patron desired a buzz.                            
But he was misled;                                          
"I'll be jiggered," he said.      (should be jiggro - McW)  
And before the night ended, he was.                         
                                                            
30854 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



On looking deep into his eyes,                              
I found out with some great surprise,                       
He just did not care                                        
That I was right there --                                   
He was checking out other guys!                             
                                                            
30855 HOMOS - MALE                                            



I know guys who give every day                              
In the most harassing way.                                  
They blab and blab;                                         
They grope and grab.                                        
Turns out that most of them are gay.                        
                                                            
30856 HOMOS - MALE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Hal                           
Had a frolic with Ernie, his pal.                           
In a voice, not the sternest,                               
He said, half in Ernest,                                    
"What a way to improve your morale!"                        
                                                            
30857 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A perverted old barber once said,                           
"I never can trim a man's head,                             
'Cause I wish that his jowls,                               
Were nearer his bowels,                                     
And his nose were a pecker instead."                        
                                                            
30858 HOMOS - MALE                                       L1528



When a girl and a gay wished to sin,                        
He confessed to a way not akin                              
To the usual screwing.                                      
She asked, "What are you doing?"                            
"I just wanted to keep my hand in!"                         
                                                            
30859 HOMOS - MALE                   Jane D. Hughes      P9111



An old social worker named Shutes                           
Worked hard to assist prostitutes.                          
He spent his last years                                     
With fairies and queers,                                    
Enjoying the labors of fruits.                              
                                                            
30860 HOMOS - MALE                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0883



There once was a fellow named Bach,                         
Who went sailing with young Dr Spock.                       
But lust came to the fore,                                  
And they headed for shore,                                  
Where Bach was then laid 'neath the dock.                   
                                                            
30861 HOMOS - MALE                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There once was a sailor named Rex                           
Who spent his nights prowling the decks.                    
It wasn't salt air                                          
That drew him out there,                                    
But sailors of the very same sex.                           
                                                            
30862 HOMOS - MALE                   Lims For Year - 01       



As he lay in his bath, mused Lord Byng,                     
"Oh Blimy!  What memories you bring!                        
That gorgeous young trooper...                              
No! No! Gladys Cooper!                                      
By Gad, sir! That was a near thing."                        
                                                            
30863 HOMOS - MALE                                       L0457



I thought, when he spoke of "male bonding,"                 
Platonically he was responding.                             
But it seems I was wrong,                                   
The urge was too strong,                                    
For he took up male mutual fondling.                        
                                                            
30864 HOMOS - MALE                   Raceway            TP9807



There was a young man from St. Mary's                       
Who did it with fags and with fairies.                      
At least this endeavor                                      
Almost certainly never                                      
Cost any nice ladies their cherries.                        
                                                            
30865 HOMOS - MALE                   Armand E Singer       111



Said a sweet little man from Cape Fear,                     
"Every thought that I have is so queer.                     
With no money, you bet                                      
I can't pay a debt;                                         
As a queer, there's no fear of arrear."                     
                                                            
30866 HOMOS - MALE                   Tom Patton               



Some gentlemen born under Aries                             
Are likely to go by contairies.                             
They're apt to ignore                                       
The sweet girl next door,                                   
And feel much attracted to fairies.                         
                                                            
30867 HOMOS - MALE                   Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow named Cyril                        
Who had never been thought of as virile.                    
No girl made a start                                        
At reaching his heart.                                      
No girl -- but you bet any queer'll.                        
                                                            
30868 HOMOS - MALE                   Isaac Asimov             



There were two young brothers named Bowles                  
Who buggered each other like moles.                         
You could join in their sport                               
If you were the right sort;                                 
They rejected the types with two holes.                     
                                                            
30869 HOMOS - MALE                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0905



I have never felt kissy-kissy                               
Toward a male who is too sissy-sissy.                       
If he sips herbal tea                                       
And sits down to pee,                                       
He will have no rapport with this missy.                    
                                                            
30870 HOMOS - MALE                   Ann Gasser          P9111



A sodomite jailed in San Quentin                            
Is broodin' and darkly repentin'                            
The lack, in this nation,                                   
Of sex education --                                         
To blame for the wrong way he went in.                      
                                                            
30871 HOMOS - MALE                   Hugh Oliver         A024B



George said, "Sex is natural, sex is good;                  
Not everybody does it but everybody should."                
But he had to spoil it,                                     
And go in a toilet,                                         
And try to shag some policeman dude.                        
                                                            
30872 HOMOS - MALE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow who played on the flute                            
Remarked once, when out on a toot,                          
"I don't get my jollies                                     
From boys...only dollies,                                   
So don't touch my flute, you damn fruit!"                   
                                                            
30873 HOMOS - MALE                   Grand Prix Lim  260      



A young Harvard man, sweet and tender,                      
Went out with some queers on a bender.                      
He came back in two days                                    
In a sexual haze,                                           
No longer quite sure of his gender.                         
                                                            
30874 HOMOS - MALE                   Albin Chaplin 3024  G1066



There was a young fellow named Fender                       
Who went out with some queers on a bender.                  
He came back in confusion                                   
In a state of delusion,                                     
And not quite too sure of his gender.                       
                                                            
30875 HOMOS - MALE                   Albin Chaplin            



Global ironies come in all grades,                          
But sometimes Fate plays it in spades.                      
When they're finally at ease                                
To live as they please,                                     
They're promptly confronted with AIDS.                      
                                                            
30876 HOMOS - MALE                   A. N. Wilkins       P9111



There was a young fellow, McBride,                          
Who preferred his trade long, thick, and wide.              
But he never rejected                                       
Anything that erected,                                      
For "Peter is peter", he sighed.                            
                                                            
30877 HOMOS - MALE                                       L1633



A businessman hoteled in Dallas                             
Got horny and called his girl Alice.                        
But since she's on the rag,                                 
And since he's partly fag,                                  
He fondled his fake plastic phallus.                        
                                                            
30878 HOMOS - MALE                   Anon                     



There was a young bachelor named Ned                        
Who, when asked why he wasn't wed,                          
Said he hated girls,                                        
With ribbons and curls,                                     
He much preferred he-men instead.                           
                                                            
30879 HOMOS - MALE                   Thomas A Ratliff    P0307



I once was annoyed by a queer,                              
Who made his intentions quite clear.                        
Said I, "I'm no prude,                                      
So don't think me rude,                                     
But I've already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."            
                                                            
30880 HOMOS - MALE                                       L0086



There once was a sad man from Adder Bay,                    
Who stalked a young man on a Saturday.                      
But he was detected                                         
And swiftly rejected;                                       
Now Adder Bay has a much sadder gay.                        
                                                            
30881 HOMOS - MALE                   Travis Brasell           



If everyone here or over there,                             
Would shed a tear or give a care                            
Then maybe one day                                          
The world could be gay,                                     
And we'd walk around naked and bare.                        
                                                            
30882 HOMOS - MALE                   Terry Ashley             



Dear Terry, the world will be gay                           
If it isn't already that way.                               
And the boom that you hear                                  
Could come from your rear,                                  
Where an AIDS-bearing missile might stray.                  
                                                            
30883 HOMOS - MALE                   John Miller              



I say that: "I wish I was gay!"                             
But my dog didn't make me that way.                         
I tried sucking dick,                                       
But no matter how thick,                                    
I just couldn't swallow the spray.                          
                                                            
30884 HOMOS - MALE                   Tom Bishop               



I guess I could manage if need be,                          
But please don't be aking a marquee.                        
And keep a low profile                                      
Plus I might get hostile                                    
If I thought they thought me a freebie.                     
                                                            
30885 HOMOS - MALE                   Tom Bishop               



There's no help for poor Freddy O'Day.                      
He felt dismal about being gay.                             
Then a willing young bitch,                                 
Tried to teach him to switch,                               
But he found it just ghastly that way.                      
                                                            
30886 HOMOS - MALE                   John Ciardi              



Faggots, in a way, I don't mind;                            
They can bugger themselves till they're blind.              
It's true by far,                                           
The more poofters there are,                                
There's more shielas around to find.                        
                                                            
30887 HOMOS - MALE                   Shane                    



A youth who was much oversexed,                             
Was easily fretted and vexed.                               
When out on a date,                                         
He hardly could wait                                        
To say, "Turn over, bud; my turn next."                     
                                                            
30888 HOMOS - MALE                                       L0501



A handsome young homo named Kohl                            
Said Polish guys were his goal.                             
He hightened his chances                                    
For Polish romances                                         
By wandering from Pole to Pole.                             
                                                            
30889 HOMOS - MALE                   Sam Pittman              



A pederast here in Moline                                   
In search of a new sort of scene,                           
A broad tried to lay,                                       
But she answered, "No way!                                  
I happen to know where it's been."                          
                                                            
30890 HOMOS - MALE                   Hugh Oliver         A044A



A charming girl doctor named Phoebe,                        
Said "We need to keep cleaner than we be.                   
Homos fuck up the bum;                                      
Eat shit and suck come,                                     
With AIDS, gonorrhea, and amoebae."                         
                                                            
30891 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Alexander Baron          



I'm sure you have one of those marts                        
Where the hits won't be topping the charts.                 
And I'm sure you're a fool                                  
By applying the rule                                        
That the whole is the scum of its parts.                    
                                                            
30892 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Hugh Clary               



Subconscious this deep in repression,                       
Turns outward with shows of aggression.                     
Buried up to his hilt,                                      
Par is riddled with guilt,                                  
With latent gay anal obsession.                             
                                                            
30893 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



He depicts himself King of South Bend,                      
With court jester as wise man and friend.                   
The picture's a chromo;                                     
The jerk's an old homo,                                     
And constantly at his wit's end.                            
                                                            
30894 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Armand Singer       P0104



There once was a homo called Danny,                         
Who just wasn't getting much fanny.                         
He was boring and dull,                                     
With always a lull,                                         
So he had to make do with his granny.                       
                                                            
30895 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



There once was a butcher from here,                         
Whose meat-slicing method was queer.                        
He would handle a steak                                     
And cream he would make                                     
As he only took meat in the rear.                           
                                                            
30896 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Munifali Rashid          



What distinguishes man from the herds,                      
Is his masterly use of his words.                           
But take care and think!                                    
Say the wrong thing and blink                               
And somebody's packing your turds.                          
                                                            
30897 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



A fag by the name of Bob Burns                              
Shows taste of the kind that discerns:                      
On visits by friends                                        
He has them change ends,                                    
Because it's more fun taking turns.                         
                                                            
30898 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Armand E Singer       955



A whorehouse at 9 rue de Rennes,                            
Had troubles at luring in men,                              
'Till they got some fairies                                 
With pretty dillberries,                                    
And their clientele came back again.                        
                                                            
30899 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                L1049



The bugger does not make amends;                            
His action he staunchly defends.                            
His approach, though posterior,                             
Without doubt is superior                                   
For enlarging the circle of friends.                        
                                                            
30900 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Albin Chaplin   3024-0898



A flatulent fairy from Carson                               
Was forever impaling his arse on                            
Some handy old pole,                                        
And once, save his soul,                                    
He found he had sat on the parson.                          
                                                            
30901 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Hugh Oliver         A077B



If you don't know the difference, class,                    
'Twixt homo's and hoboes that pass:                         
The hoboes are bums                                         
Without any chums,                                          
But homo's have friends up the ass.                         
                                                            
30902 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



There once was a fellow, Oh My!                             
Who would stealthily feel up your thigh.                    
With his pecker he'd plumb                                  
The depth of your bum,                                      
And sigh "What a good boy am I!"                            
                                                            
30903 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



My brother's a boy scout, you know,                         
But he never has badges to show.                            
He says he earns merit                                      
For taking it where it                                      
Won't hurt if it's greased-up and slow...                   
                                                            
30904 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Karen                    



I know a young man named Brian,                             
Who could not get a screw even lyin'.                       
So with a different hand,                                   
He went for a man,                                          
But by the end of the screw he was cryin'.                  
                                                            
30905 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



Oh dear, John, that sure is no joke;                        
I told Doctor Wang, and the bloke                           
Said: if all else fails                                     
Try lifting the tails                                       
Of shirts, and give nancies a poke.                         
                                                            
30906 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



Lisped that moldy old turd, Jim Smith,                      
Whose poetry skill is a myth,                               
At the local gay bars,                                      
While extolling his arse,                                   
"Oh pretty boys, give it a kith!"                           
                                                            
30907 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Ward Hardman             



The Boy Scouts would like to stay Straight,                 
But New Joisey says, "Boys, it's too late;                  
Be prepared, go and buy                                     
Yourself some KY:                                           
First shafting, a gift of this State!"                      
                                                            
30908 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



Now Harry just didn't appear                                
As someone who had much to fear.                            
Built burly and strong -                                    
Except for his dong.                                        
He sure liked it being in arrears                           
                                                            
30909 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



Jim Smith has flown off to Frisco,                          
To pick up a mate in a disco.                               
He'll soon play a porn role,                                
Featuring his corn hole,                                    
And a huge supply of canned Crisco.                         
                                                            
30910 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Ward Hardman             



It would seem it is almost too crass                        
To yearn for hot sex with a lass.                           
There's nothing that's finer                                
Than a lady's vagina,                                       
And gay sex is a pain in the ass!                           
                                                            
30911 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Buzzard                  



The nudist camp gave the heave-ho                           
To a big husky lifeguard named Joe.                         
For at poolside one day                                     
With old sissified Ray,                                     
Playing leap-frog and jumping too low.                      
                                                            
30912 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Bob Giandomenico    P9111



Since right at the dawn of creation,                        
Men have all shot their libation                            
Into the tails                                              
Of other stud males,                                        
Who find it a pleasing sensation.                           
                                                            
30913 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL                                     



There was a young homo, McShane,                            
Who said, "Sex in the ass is a pain.                        
But the pain is, I fear,                                    
Far outweighed for a queer,                                 
By the pleasure!  Let's do it again!"                       
                                                            
30914 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Alexander Baron          



Said Lady B to her butler, "My dear,                        
Aren't you just the tiniest bit queer?"                     
He answered in surprise,                                    
"Ma'am, I thought you'd realize                             
Servants always come in through the rear."                  
                                                            
30915 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Alan Britain             



I knew a young man from Aberystwyth,                        
Who just wasn't safe to bet pissed with.                    
When he'd had too much beer,                                
He'd go down to the pier,                                   
Looking form sailors to fist with.                          
                                                            
30916 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Colin from London        



When perusing magazines, top rack,                          
You should always keep watch on your back.                  
Some of those mags                                          
Are designed for the fags,                                  
And you could end up with meat in your crack.               
                                                            
30917 HOMOS - MALE - ANAL            Mike Desso               



Across the Atlantic was steaming                            
A ship, on-board gay Abel Leeman.                           
While prodding his poker                                    
Inside of the stoker,                                       
Did make him a Full Abel's semen.                           
                                                            
30918 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                     



Said a gay Classics buff named McPeake:                     
"What I yearn for and hornily seek                          
Is a tryst that's obscene                                   
With a handsome Hellene,                                    
Which I'd spend boning up in my Greek."                     
                                                            
30919 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Jim O'Conner        P9210



The treatment by old Mr. Mears                              
Of small chubby boys and their rears,                       
Appears to his God                                          
As unnatural and odd:                                       
Can it be he is one of those queers?                        
                                                            
30920 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                G1012



A kindly old fellow was Clapper;                            
He'd plenty of tricks, young and dapper.                    
He would trap them, it seems,                               
With intricate schemes.                                     
He's now known as "Clapper, the trapper."                   
                                                            
30921 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Lisped a limp-wristed cowboy named Fay:                     
"It's a hell of a place to be gay!                          
I must, on these prairies,                                  
For the shortage of fairies,                                
With the deer and the antelope play."                       
                                                            
30922 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Bluebird                 



Said a hairless young homo from Butte:                      
"I detest being such a weird fruit."                        
He was frequently stomped,                                  
So male hormones he chomped,                                
And now he's an effete, hairy brute.                        
                                                            
30923 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                G0940



A big bugger-&-egg man named Field                          
Reaped the pleasures young boy-asses yield.                 
Now he's known as a queer                                   
Since early last year,                                      
When his favorite ass-istant squealed.                      
                                                            
30924 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Grand Prix Lim  245 G0970



A famous gay cocksman named Grimm,                          
Was known for his buggering vim.                            
When a fairy named Bill                                     
Asked the source of his skill,                              
Grimm replied, "I keep fit in a Jim."                       
                                                            
30925 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                     



Said a sodomous sissy from Siddon:                          
"I prefer my perversion well-hidden.                        
Though a young man may suit                                 
The desire of my root,                                      
I'm aware that such fruit is forbidden."                    
                                                            
30926 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                               G0940a



There was a young man from Ostend,                          
Who went for a drink with a friend.                         
They had a few jars                                         
With two boys in some bars,                                 
And so each had a friend in the end.                        
                                                            
30927 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            E O Parrot               



There's a waiter who works close to here                    
And he does it much, 'cause he's queer.                     
But if that makes you nervous,                              
He gives extra service:                                     
"May I service, you, Sir, from the rear?"                   
                                                            
30928 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                     



A craftsman who weaves in Khartoum,                         
Lures innocent boys to his room.                            
Consumed by that fever,                                     
This Sudanese weaver                                        
Has been nicknamed the 'Fruit of the Loom'.                 
                                                            
30929 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Tom Patton          P9602



There once was a man from South Bend--                      
Talked sodomy down, to a friend.                            
Then up spoke a dude,                                       
"Sir, you say it is rude,                                   
But you'll find it is fun in the end."                      
                                                            
30930 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Donald Dimont            



The friend of a homo named Dutch                            
Is neck deep in trouble, too much;                          
He was caught one month past,                               
With his pants at half mast,                                
Not in Dutch but worse, into Dutch.                         
                                                            
30931 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Armand E Singer      1000



A Salopian student of Greek,   (pertaining to Shropshire)   
Had a love of Hellenic physique.                            
And many a lad                                              
In Ludlow he had,                                           
But the dint of his classic technique.                      
(A. E. Housman)                                             
30932 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Martin Fagg              



There was a young fellow named Grimm                        
Who oft changed his name on a whim.                         
When cruising, he'd go                                      
By the name of Big Joe.                                     
He thought it a good homonym.                               
                                                            
30933 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



At White's after tea at the Palace,                         
The colonel remembered a phallus,                           
And a bit of a lark                                         
In Regent's Park                                            
With a waiter who called himself Alice.                     
                                                            
30934 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Gents Alphabet Book P9602



Here lies an old man from West Glen                         
Who, laughingly, kissed only men.                           
He kissed the wrong one                                     
Now this life is done.                                      
In his next life he'll do it again.                         
                                                            
30935 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                     



When asked, a young faggot named Sears                      
Rejected professional careers.                              
"I'll not work to the bone,                                 
I'll just get me a loan,                                    
And I'll spend my whole life in arrears."                   
                                                            
30936 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Albin Chaplin   3024-2786



No robber, no baron was smugger                             
Than that German, the happy whore hugger.                   
His own major domo                                          
(A sodomite homo)                                           
Swore he'd bugger that old mugger Fugger.                   
                                                            
30937 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Anon                     



There once was a lady from Sodom,                           
For women she cared not a goddamn.                          
But a virgin she died,                                      
For each male she espied,                                   
Was pursuing some other guy's bottom.                       
                                                            
30938 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Lee Dotson   G0180A P8207



It seems the Rajah of Kashmir                               
Is more than a little bit queer.                            
Nowadays his sex joys                                       
Come from fat-bottomed boys,                                
And he ain't topped his wife for a year.                    
                                                            
30939 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                G0990



Then spoke the headmaster of Rugger,                        
A most accomplished old bugger:                             
"I spend half each night                                    
With a smooth catamite.                                     
My wife? I don't even hug her."                             
                                                            
30940 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                G1051



A fellow whose surname was Heidi,                           
Once worked at a mill in North Bridey.                      
And when he could do so,                                    
Like Robinson Crusoe,                                       
He always would get off on Friday.                          
                                                            
30941 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A big jock who is hung like a horse,                        
Likes to bugger with vigorous force.                        
Though the jock get a thrill,                               
His best friends, Bob and Bill,                             
Think him just a big pain in the arse.                      
                                                            
30942 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            William N. Nesbit   P9609



There was a fine fellow from Gransome,                      
Who was hot, and they say he was handsome.                  
Young men he'd embrace                                      
And take to his place,                                      
And alone in his room, he would pants 'em.                  
                                                            
30943 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A buggerish Texan named Skelly,                             
Likes boyish butts under his belly.                         
When a catamite foil                                        
Hears him brag "I'm in oil!"                                
What he means is petroleum jelly.                           
                                                            
30944 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                     



A gay lost his boots in a game...                           
And from that point was never the same.                     
Ran about acting manly                                      
In front of his family,                                     
Who wondered who put out his flame!                         
                                                            
30945 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Oddo von Schlong   TP9802



They accused an old lecher of Sodom                         
That he fucked 'em and promptly forgot 'em.                 
"Though I may forget faces,"                                
He told the straight laces,                                 
"I always remember a bottom."                               
                                                            
30946 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Lloyd Rawley             



A sodomist, fresh out of gaol,                              
Was desperate for some sort of tail.                        
By necessity forced,                                        
He screwed the exhaust                                      
Of a van clearly marked "Royal Mail".                       
                                                            
30947 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Linda Marsh Coll         



In Frisco, some high heels have spurs,                      
On a cowpoke with leather and furs;                         
This simpering savage                                       
Seeks sailors to ravage;                                    
Should hear this big brute when he purrs!                   
                                                            
30948 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                     



A young faggot named Tomcat O'Harry,                        
Had a bath with a singer named Larry.                       
One could clearly imply                                     
From that look in his eye,                                  
That the kitten just ate the canary.                        
                                                            
30949 HOMOS - MALE - BULL                                     



A horny fag wrestler named Ganz                             
Who does what you'd guess for a nance,                      
Pins his men to the mat                                     
At the drop of a hat,                                       
And squeezes both balls in their pants.                     
                                                            
30950 HOMOS - MALE - BULL            Armand singer       P0203



I'll join in this talk, intellectual;                       
A cupboard for love's quite effectual.                      
When after some beer                                        
You're feeling quite queer,                                 
Go there with your closet homosexual.                       
                                                            
30951 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Tiddy Ogg                



Our ambassadorial Ottoman                                   
Is rumored to be slightly not a man.                        
His manner so airy,                                         
Reminds one of Faery;                                       
He isn't a top but a bottom man.                            
                                                            
30952 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Mike Tice                



A classical man from Victoria,                              
In a post-alcoholic euphoria,                               
Was discovered one day                                      
In a club for the gay,                                      
Immersed in an Ars Amatoria.                                
                                                            
30953 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                                   



On a whim, a man tempted fate                               
And entered a gay bar quite late.                           
What a fix he was in,                                       
When to their chagrin,                                      
They found he was a "closet straight".                      
                                                            
30954 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Macsam                   



There's a guy who wears his hair parted,                    
Who kept his gay-side so well guarded,                      
He thought nobody knew.                                     
But guys had a clue                                         
When it smelled of spunk when he farted.                    
                                                            
30955 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                                   



Said the Dean, "I don't care what you think,                
Of the depths to which others may sink,                     
But when I go down                                          
And you tell the whole town,                                
That I did, then young man, you're a fink!"                 
                                                            
30956 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          John Ciardi              



In the darkness of deepest Khartoum,                        
Lives a carpetmaker in his room.                            
His designs are quite fey --                                
I suspect the man's gay --                                  
People call him the fruit of the loom.                      
                                                            
30957 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          P Chernoff               



From my reading of Jimmy's composite,                       
It's no wonder he's been in the closet;                     
There's a greater agenda                                    
Than to pump her pudenda,                                   
Though a piping hot prepuce can cause it.                   
                                                            
30958 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                                   



An athletic young cowgirl named Harriet                     
Keeps her boyfriend in line with a lariat.                  
Though she keeps a tight rein,                              
All her effort's in vain,                                   
'Cause she isn't aware he's a farriet.                      
                                                            
30959 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                              G0981



Geoffrey Howe's in a bit of a tizz,                         
Since I found some French panties of his.                   
He claims that he's butch;                                  
He protesteth too much.                                     
He says that he isn't.  HE IS!                              
                                                            
30960 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Bill Wall                



Geoffrey Howe's in a bit of a tiz,                          
Since I found some lingerie of his.                         
He claims that he's butch;                                  
He protesteth too much.                                     
He says that he isn't; he IS!                               
                                                            
30961 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Kevin Hale               



There is a queer fellow named Hayes                         
Who is frequently normal for days,                          
But even a friend                                           
Finds it best not to bend,                                  
On account of his "in-different" ways...                    
                                                            
30962 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Grand Prix Lim  265      



A Young Person came out of the mists                        
Who had the most beautiful wrists:                          
A scandal occurred                                          
Which had long been inferred,                               
But the legend about them persists.                         
                                                            
30963 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          W. H. Auden         P8608



'Twas only last Saturday (was it?)                          
That Jimmy came out of the closet                           
And said to young Brenda,                                   
"I fear your pudenda                                        
In future won't get my deposit."                            
                                                            
30964 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Peter Wilkins            



A big brawny bastard named Tex                              
Had muscles he'd constantly flex!                           
Rope a cow?  Ride a horse?                                  
He couldn't, of course...                                   
Nor could he have hetero-sex!                               
                                                            
30965 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Writerman                



There was a young physicist named Fisk                      
Who was termed a security risk,                             
For acts of perversion                                      
Were his only diversion,                                    
At which one can only say "Tsk."                            
                                                            
30966 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                              G0972



In my time I have written bad limericks,                    
And true, there are several sweet tricks,                   
But the ones that are best,                                 
Will squat on our chest                                     
And play with our two little limp dicks.                    
                                                            
30967 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                                   



There once was a gay bloke named Bob,                       
Who broke down and started to sob                           
When his Mum to him said,                                   
"There's sperm on your head,                                
And poo on the end of your nob."                            
                                                            
30968 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                                   



There was a young lad named Harry                           
Who found the fair sex to be scary.                         
One day at his leisure,                                     
He found a great pleasure                                   
With another young fairy named Jerry.                       
                                                            
30969 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Anon                     



The story continues you see,                                
When Harry had turned twenty-three,                         
He desired to marry,                                        
So a rhinoplast fairy,                                      
Swapped Harry's equipment to pee.                           
                                                            
30970 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Anon                     



Helen is pure to this day.                                  
No one could lead her astray.                               
Yet a close call occurred                                   
When a sinister nerd                                        
Came along, but proved to be gay.                           
                                                            
30971 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          John Paulk          P0310



The grand-niece of Madame DuBarry,                          
Suspected her son was a fairy.                              
"It's peculiar," said she,                                  
"But he sits down to pee,                                   
And stands when I bathe the canary."                        
                                                            
30972 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET                              L1411



The queen used to stay in his closet                        
And hide as he rode his man's faucet,                       
With KY grease jelly                                        
All over his welly,                                         
And loved when he'd make his deposit...                     
                                                            
30973 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Jon Gearhart             



A tiny bit suspect is Bert,                                 
In tight-fitting and frilly white shirt,                    
Despite facial hair,                                        
Broadly masculine air,                                      
And a penchant for wearing a skirt.                         
                                                            
30974 HOMOS - MALE - CLOSET          Peter Wilkins            



The things they do tell about Murph!                        
(The seashore's hot sands are his turf).                    
He'll seek out some lad,                                    
Completely unclad,                                          
On whom he can try soixante-neuf.                           
                                                            
30975 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL            Armand E Singer      626A



A man entered, peeked, unrested;                            
A barmaid stopped, interested.                              
She said, "What's wrong, hunk."                             
He said, "Just blew a chunk."                               
"Were you forced? Chunks should be arrested."               
                                                            
30976 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL                                     



A British rock star by name Bodenham,                       
Wore jeans just like he had been sewed in 'em.              
Once he went far astray                                     
With some guy who was gay,                                  
And quick as a flash he got blowed in 'em.                  
                                                            
30977 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL            Armand E Singer       220



There once was a gorgeous young jock                        
Who liked nothing better than sucking on cock.              
But came a young fellow                                     
Whose semen was yellow,                                     
And the jock's cock fell off like a rock.                   
                                                            
30978 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL            Robert W.                



A young man who sacked coke in Fort Knox                    
Lost his job, so he worked tucking socks.                   
Then he moved to Grand Forks                                
Where he tried soaking corks,                               
But he quit and he's now sucking cocks.                     
                                                            
30979 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL            Albin Chaplin   3024-2989



A young circus midget named Joe                             
Was looking for whores in Bordeaux.                         
But Joe was demeaned                                        
When a queer intervened,                                    
And he gave little Joe a low blow.                          
                                                            
30980 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL            Albin Chaplin   3024-0834



There once was a virile young jock,                         
Who was found in the loo, sucking cock.                     
He wanted to scream                                         
"I am not a queen!"                                         
But his mouth was too full to talk.                         
                                                            
30981 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL            Jim Weaver Collection    



That famous old pederast, Wilde,                            
Felt sure a boy stayed undefiled                            
If you handled his penis                                    
With no trace of meanness,                                  
Whenever you sucked off the child.                          
                                                            
30982 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL                                G1081



An unrestrained diner named Rhine,                          
Quite horny from oysters and wine,                          
Once cornered a waiter                                      
And like some wild satyr,                                   
He forced him to do sixty-nine.                             
                                                            
30983 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL            Armand E Singer       626



A professional WASP named Fitzgerald,                       
Was spotted last week by the Herald,                        
In a village Cafe,                                          
Sucking off an old gay.                                     
Do you think his reputation's imperiled?                    
                                                            
30984 HOMOS - MALE - ORAL                                G2335



A swisher who lives in Revere                               
Said, "I know that you know I'm a queer,                    
But you'll find in the end                                  
I can be a real friend...                                   
Can it be you avoid me from FEAR?"                          
                                                            
30985 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Grand Prix Lim  482      



The soul-searching fag from New York,                       
Reminisced while popping the cork.                          
As he lifted his drink                                      
He did toast like a shrink:                                 
"I dropped out the back end of the stork!"                  
                                                            
30986 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



A gay Nimrod would trek hill and dale,                      
Stalking game birds by lakeside and trail.                  
Through the briars and muck,                                
He'd flush turkey and duck,                                 
And euphoric to bag a mere quail.                           
                                                            
30987 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Bob Giandomenico    P0402



Young Jim asked his lover in Claire                         
To help him choose something to wear.                       
"What do you suggest                                        
That would show me up best?"                                
He replied, "You look best when you're bare."               
                                                            
30988 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Laughed a mincing young faggot named Hewitt,                
"Opportunity knocked and I knew it.                         
I saw this cute nance                                       
And jumped at the chance,                                   
So how can you claim that I blew it?"                       
                                                            
30989 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Armand E Singer       447



A fag bumped a truck in Laporte                             
And the fender did slightly distort.                        
Said the irate old trucker,                                 
"Suck my cock, you dumb fucker!"                            
And they settled the case out of court.                     
                                                            
30990 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-2991



A young fellow exceedingly rash                             
Asked me once for a dance at some bash.                     
I said, "Brother, no way!                                   
I'm extremely un-gay.                                       
I'm just blessed with a certain panache."                   
                                                            
30991 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Graham Lester            



There was a young man of Oak Grove;                         
For a bit of some action he strove.                         
And through predilection,                                   
He made a connection                                        
With Homer, the roamer, by Jove!                            
                                                            
30992 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



After vainly invoking the Muse,                             
A poet cried, "Hell, what's the use!"                       
I get my kicks                                              
On Route 66                                                 
I shall go there this moment and cruise.                    
                                                            
30993 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Arthur Deex         P0110



I get a thrill on Blueberry Hill.                           
There are bluebirds over the white cliff of Dover.          
Way down yonder in New Orleans in the land of dreamy scenes.
On top of old Smokey, covered with snow, lost lover snow.   
I shall go there this moment and cruise.                    
                                                            
30994 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Arthur Deex         P0110



There were twenty-two homos had lain                        
In a circular path daisy chain.                             
In that way each queer                                      
Had his spear in the rear,                                  
So that none of the queers could complain.                  
                                                            
30995 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Grand Prix Lim  964      



Today, my friend Carl goes by Carol,                        
And Denise used to be called Darrel,                        
It's a seasonal thing                                       
I think, 'cause they sing,                                  
"Don we now our gay apparel."                               
                                                            
30996 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



I'll keep hanging out in the hope,                          
You might just invite in this dope,                         
And maybe for hours                                         
While outside it showers,                                   
Inside we can play 'drop the soap'!                         
                                                            
30997 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



A fancy young pansy, Paul Potts,                            
Met a whore in a store down in Watts.                       
Sneered the queer, "Shoo, you floosie!"                     
Roared the whore, "Don't be choosy!                         
After all, my dear Paul, You're ersatz!"                    
                                                            
30998 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



The girls have asked me for a hayride,                      
To honor June when she's a May bride;                       
I had to say "No!"                                          
'Cause next thing you know,                                 
Some guy will demand one for gay pride.                     
                                                            
30999 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Travis Brasell           



A gay vintner who lived by the Thames,                      
Produced wines that were absolute gems,                     
By sucking and licking,                                     
The boys that were picking,                                 
And pressing their grapes and their stems.                  
                                                            
31000 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Bob Giandomenico    P9710



The replies to her ad weren't funny,                        
She would not have some fag for her honey!                  
But she targeted them,                                      
With "GWM",  (gay, white, male)                             
Believing it meant "Guy With Money".                        
                                                            
31001 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



A fellow named Gentleman John                               
Once said to his friend, Algernon,                          
"With all due respect,                                      
I see you're erect.                                         
D'you suppose that we might get it on?"                     
                                                            
31002 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young fairy named Bates,                        
Who took out young fellows on dates.                        
With his hands on their hips                                
He applied his hot lips,                                    
To their phalluses, testes, and nates.                      
                                                            
31003 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                               L0381



He floats through the air with great ease,                  
But he doesn't use a trapeze.                               
He is weird as hell,                                        
And a pansy as well,                                        
And happiest down on his knees.                             
                                                            
31004 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Larry Davis         P8711



The fuzzy tit drag queen's named Kenny.                     
His lover said "Silicon, aplenty...                         
And his butt does inspire."                                 
"No shit?" I inquire?                                       
And (with hands on hips), "Hardly any."                     
                                                            
31005 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



There once was a guy from St. Loo                           
Who hailed sailors with, "Oh, Yoo hoo!"                     
When asked his persuasion,                                  
He'd reply with evasion                                     
That he thought of himself as "fagou".                      
                                                            
31006 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Martin Wellborn     P9111



At the Iron Horse Steam Baths, the cream                    
Of the gay rail elite live a dream.                         
How those Bruces are thrilled!                              
Their cabooses are drilled,                                 
Then they're blown with a full head of steam!               
                                                            
31007 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



A fairy named Wind said, "I could,                          
If healthy, give pleasure -- and would!                     
But alas, a disease                                         
Cramps my yearning to please,                               
Since an ill Wind blows nobody good."                       
                                                            
31008 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



In a bank in the town of La Grange,                         
A straight guy did something quite strange.                 
He groped an old feller,                                    
Then turned to the teller,                                  
Proclaiming, "I'm here just for change."                    
                                                            
31009 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



I have serviced this town many years,                       
Since the days when all gays were just queers.              
I provided the gentry                                       
With their first rear entry,                                
And now all I hear are the jeers.                           
                                                            
31010 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Richard Long             



Said the faggot, "I love whom I'm with,                     
And I'd so like to dithspel the myth                        
That uth gays are tho scary,                                
Or you have to be wary;                                     
I'll prove it right now with a kith!"                       
                                                            
31011 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           John Miller 0339         



A young fairy with habits perverse                          
Found that beatings made life just a curse.                 
So each time he went hence,                                 
He assured his defense                                      
With a dildo he kept in his purse.                          
                                                            
31012 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                               G1031



A horny young fellow namd Art                               
Once wondered if it would be smart                          
To be indiscreet                                            
With a boy from the fleet.                                  
But the boy said, "Come, let us start!"                     
                                                            
31013 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A wealthy old merchant of Troy                              
Sailed west with his favorite boy.                          
Like Achilles/Ullyses,                                      
The lad was his misses.                                     
There's no need for Helen.  Oh Joy!                         
                                                            
31014 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Anon                     



Aboard ship was a very gay purser,                          
Whose desires were bad, worse, and worser.                  
The crew was no dope                                        
And would never drop soap                                   
'Cause the purser sure liked his vice verser.               
                                                            
31015 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Jane D. Hughes      P9111



A "Fag Dude" by name of Seth Greed,                         
Though he clearly runs on a slow speed,                     
Desires it be noted,                                        
In school he was voted                                      
The most likely guy to suck seed!                           
                                                            
31016 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



From out of the closet came Jay.                            
"On He-men I have this to say--                             
Since men I adore                                           
And women abhor,                                            
A He-man's a man who is gay.                                
                                                            
31017 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Irving Superior     P9309



A footballer from Oslo, Norway,                             
Is the team's one and only true gay.                        
In the locker room                                          
He yells, "Va Va Voom!                                      
What a wonderful place to be fey."                          
                                                            
31018 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Harry Rubin         P9309



Sighs a delicate fellow named Perry,                        
"I long for the life of a fairy--                           
Not impossible things,                                      
Only tights and pink wings --                               
But my friends say I'm simply too hairy."                   
                                                            
31019 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Norm Storer         P9111



Said a "high camp" in Washington Square                     
"When I mince, all the straight fellows stare...            
My demeanor, though formal,                                 
Squares think is abnormal,                                  
Though I look sweet to queers everywhere.                   
                                                            
31020 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Grand Prix Lim  448      



There is an old fellow named Shaw                           
Who spends lots of time in a spa,                           
Groping the thighs                                          
Of handsome young guys,                                     
And feeling them up in the raw.                             
                                                            
31021 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A horny old wino named Jim                                  
Went out on the prowl for some quim.                        
He could find no one                                        
Except for the bum                                          
Of the homo they call Loosy Tim.                            
                                                            
31022 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Paul South African       



A sensitive fellow is Bart,                                 
Devoted to beauty and art.                                  
The sight of young rears                                    
Quite moves him to tears,                                   
And thighs!  They just tear him apart!                      
                                                            
31023 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A patient old fag named McQueen,                            
Kept watch in a public latrine.                             
He would gaze and compare,                                  
And response to his stare,                                  
Might result in his making the seen.                        
                                                            
31024 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



A young Aussie boxer, a yobo,                               
Was subjected to many a low blow.                           
His voice changed its pitch,                                
So now he's a bitch,                                        
A faggot, a queer, and a homo!                              
                                                            
31025 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Bill Canada              



A whimsical Arab from Aden,                                 
His masculine member well laden,                            
Cried, "Nuptual joy,                                        
When shared with a boy,                                     
Is better than melon or maiden."                            
                                                            
31026 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                               L0446



Said a swishy-tailed homo named Mears                       
To his "he-love" bestriding Miss Sears,                     
"Well...here in Connecticut                                 
We do not think it's etiquette                              
To waste sex on girls when there's queers."                 
                                                            
31027 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Grand Prix Lim  458      



Sir John said he liked to expound                           
On sexual matters, profound;                                
On the joys of orgasm                                       
And that kind of spasm,                                     
And simply just messing around.                             
                                                            
31028 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I know a young fellow named Zeke                            
With unheard of erotic technique.                           
He is, my dear Mary,                                        
A radical fairy!                                            
He also has lots of mystique.                               
                                                            
31029 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A gay who was called Ivor Hyde,                             
Caught a bus and went for a ride.                           
"Your fare," said the driver,                               
When he spotted young Ivor.                                 
"You're not bad yourself," he replied.                      
                                                            
31030 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           H Myers             T9801



When dear little Grady McGreed                              
Abandoned his virginal creed,                               
Most of the men                                             
Said. "Cherchez la femme!"                                  
But said little Grady, "Indeed."                            
                                                            
31031 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Thespus                  



A queer from around Saskatoon                               
Said "I reckon I'm leaving here soon;                       
For all of the fairies                                      
Out here on the prairies,                                   
I might as well live on the moon."                          
                                                            
31032 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Hugh Oliver           84a



A lonely young fellow named Guy                             
Likes to play in the nude in the rye.                       
He lies there and begs                                      
For a cock 'tween his legs.                                 
No one ever suggested he's shy!                             
                                                            
31033 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In Arabia said Abdul the Vicious,                           
"I see by your looks you're suspicious                      
That I'm slightly queer...                                  
You're quite right, my Dear,                                
My harem I keep just to wash dishes!"                       
                                                            
31034 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Grand Prix Lim  333      



An effete young esthete, Fruity Fred,                       
To a faggoty friend sadly said:                             
"When I woke up last night,                                 
Just imagine my fright,                                     
When I found a nude girl in my bed!"                        
                                                            
31035 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                               G0976



Aging old queers are no treat:                              
Sucking cocks, raping kids, smelling feet.                  
They talk like a preacher,                                  
Pervert every creature,                                     
And worry about being indiscreet.                           
                                                            
31036 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                               G2738



There was a young fellow named Klotz                        
Who went looking for tail in New Lots.                      
Of tail, he found nary                                      
A piece, but a fairy                                        
Suggested he try some ersatz.                               
                                                            
31037 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                               L1284



Every night a fellow named Tom                              
Would cruise the same bar with aplomb.                      
He make risque passes                                       
And pat people's asses.                                     
It was sort of a nightly sitcom.                            
                                                            
31038 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



When the power went off in L.A.,                            
The perverts all came out to play.                          
And since I am one,                                         
I joined in the fun                                         
For a night when we each had our way.                       
                                                            
31039 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Bob Birch           P0105



In South Beach, the men are all gay;                        
Women with themselves do play.                              
Babies are rare                                             
In this faggot lair,                                        
But orgies are common each day.                             
                                                            
31040 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Brian Patton             



There once was a fellow named Wagstaff                      
Who bought supermarkets in Flagstaff.                       
Then replaced all cashiers                                  
With a truckload of queers.                                 
And today Wagstaff's pround of his fag staff.               
                                                            
31041 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Michael Weinstein   P9408



A FANTABULOUS "fairy" named Fred,                           
Decided to dye his hair red.                                
His swish now enchanced,                                    
He's dined and romanced,                                    
And soon, in Vermont, will be wed.                          
(Vermont recognizes same sex marriages)                     
31042 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Chris Papa               



By the river there roamed Mr Teeny,                         
Who stripped off his lover's bikini.                        
He loved pubic hair,                                        
And balls that were bare,                                   
And adored the taste of a weenie.                           
                                                            
31043 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



At a gay bar, two young men inspected,                      
Some girls whom they promptly rejected.                     
In blank ennui,                                             
It was easy to see,                                         
They were totally other-directed.                           
                                                            
31044 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           John Ciardi              



Now Paul and Barry were transies,                           
Converted from being chimpanzees;                           
Their asses were runny,                                     
But neither was funny:                                      
Just a couple of dumb fuckin' pansies.                      
                                                            
31045 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



In the land of the great Golden Gate,                       
Where male picks a male for his mate,                       
All the men's dicks                                         
Smell a whole lot like shit,                                
And they think a girl's cunt's not too great.               
                                                            
31046 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Mike Hunter              



Four fay fellows decided to clown                           
In a bar on the gay side of town.                           
They considered it cool                                     
To sit on one stool                                         
Which they'd cleverly turned upside down.                   
                                                            
31047 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Don Moore           P9110



There once was a fat queer from Goole,                      
Who sat down on an upturned bar stool.                      
After greasing the legs,                                    
He screams out and begs,                                    
"Oh! Ride me! You randy young fool!"                        
                                                            
31048 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



"I seem to have a problem, of late,"                        
Said a handsome young man from upstate.                     
"Since tricking with Thor,                                  
My tongue has been sore.                                    
It must have been someone I ate."                           
                                                            
31049 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Three faggots got ploughed on May wine,                     
And, dressed in high drag screamed, "Divine!"               
Amid giggles and shrieks                                    
They behaved like the Greeks,                               
And harmonized "Sweet Androgyne."                           
                                                            
31050 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                               G2746



M is the Middy-Esthete,                                     
As heartbreaker he can't be beat;                           
He's sorry to be                                            
So deadly, but he                                           
Can't help looking Terribly Sweet.                          
                                                            
31051 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           William O Stevens   P0900



There once was a fag named Ulysses.                         
Who lived in a house with three sissies.                    
At work and at play,                                        
They were happy and gay,                                    
And at night they threw each other kissies.                 
                                                            
31052 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Anon                     



A fellow from out of Dunkirk                                
Misjudged the strength of his dirk.                         
He said, "Sorry Ron,                                        
But my hard-on is gone.                                     
Please try me again after work."                            
                                                            
31053 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There's Jacob and Isaac, two Jews --                        
Identical brothers; the crew's                              
Delighted they're bent;                                     
They know what was meant,                                   
When told that the ship had twin screws.                    
                                                            
31054 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT                                    



Groused bigoted homophobe Lars,                             
"I hate all those goddam gay bars;                          
Old pansies will grope you,                                 
The S and M's rope you,                                     
And Venus looks too much like Mars."                        
                                                            
31055 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Armand Singer       P0104



An unhappy female from Sears                                
Said, "The world seem to be full of queers.                 
Every party and bout                                        
Brings swish elements out,                                  
Where they mill around wagging their rears."                
                                                            
31056 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Grand Prix Lim  139      



A friend of mine pretends he is gay,                        
When we rehearse in our school play.                        
It really is sick,                                          
When he grabs my dick,                                      
But I often wonder, "What the HAY!!"                        
                                                            
31057 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Shiznap                  



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Who lisped from the time of his birth.                      
They thought he was gay                                     
When they all heard him say,                                
"Hath anyone theen my new purth?"                           
                                                            
31058 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           TuttaGioia               



Three girly-men, all dressed in leather,                    
Played a game with two whips and a feather.                 
Before all their sessions,                                  
They asked the same questions:                              
They asked "When" and "Where" but not "Whether."            
                                                            
31059 HOMOS - MALE - OVERT           Phred                    



A student of business at Yale                               
Lacked cash and he thought he would fail,                   
But he had no concern                                       
When he made the right turn                                 
And he found that his ass was for sale.                     
                                                            
31060 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Al Chaplin          P9409



Said an unhappy female named Sears:                         
"The world is just full of those queers!                    
Every party I go to                                         
There's no one to say no to;                                
The men swish about waggling their rears."                  
                                                            
31061 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               G0180



There was a young fairy named Nate,                         
Who was shy and reserved on a date.                         
He broke down and wept                                      
When a cock he'd accept.                                    
He's afraid he'd become what he ate.                        
                                                            
31062 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Donald Dimock            



In a gay troupe, an actor named Freed,                      
Was consumed by a cocksucking need.                         
When they found him in bed,                                 
With the star, the chap said,                               
"It's a game where I'm blowing the lead!"                   
                                                            
31063 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



If your asshole is longing for cock,                        
I've nine inches as hard as a rock.                         
It's also quite thick                                       
This marvelous prick                                        
And ready to fuck round the clock!                          
                                                            
31064 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



A young fairy who'd eaten raw meat                          
Maintained sex relations discreet.                          
He received Eskimos                                         
In the holes in his nose,                                   
And buggered a horse with his feet.                         
                                                            
31065 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               G0695



A lady became very dizzy                                    
And got herself in quite a tizzy.                           
She moaned "It's so mean                                    
But I've GOT to be Queen;                                   
So I'll just call myself Busy Lizzie!"                      
                                                            
31066 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



I know it may sound quite obscene.                          
But the Queen is a deaf man (and mean).                     
When folks call him Liz,                                    
He's all in their biz,                                      
Screaming "I'm not a lez... I'm a Queen!"                   
                                                            
31067 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



A gay guy said at the zoo,                                  
When asked if a parrot he blew,                             
"I've never consorted                                       
With fowl that sordid,                                      
But I have sucked a mean cockatoo."                         
                                                            
31068 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Irish                    



If cocksucking is what you like best,                       
You have come to the end of your quest.                     
You can wiggle and squirm                                   
And swallow my sperm,                                       
As I fuck down your throat with great zest.                 
                                                            
31069 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



A counterfeit master named Phil                             
Was caught with a queer in Brazil.                          
Behind his new press                                        
They found a pink dress,                                    
And the plates for a three-dollar bill.                     
                                                            
31070 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



"No, never," said the bitchy old queen.                     
"I'm afraid your habits aren't clean.                       
There'll be a long month of Sundays                         
Ere I lend you my undies.                                   
Go shit in your own crepe de Chine."                        
                                                            
31071 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



There once was a fag named Tim Young,                       
Who liked big sweaty dicks in his bung.                     
He blew rednecks and hicks,                                 
From midnight to six,                                       
And licked all their jizz with his tongue.                  
                                                            
31072 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           J. Strackokiovic         



A naive young fellow named Harry                            
Met dozens of loose girls in Gary.                          
But he kept on ducking                                      
His chances of fucking,                                     
Unaware he was a latent young fairy.                        
                                                            
31073 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               G0087



"I'll do it for Art, I'm no prude!"                         
He said, as he posed in the nude.                           
But, on viewing his ass,                                    
The whole fairy class,                                      
Decided it ought to be screwed.                             
                                                            
31074 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L0507



Said the doc to his patient, fag Fred,                      
"You've got herpes from anus to zed;                        
Who left you this way?"                                     
"Good God, I can't say;                                     
Who has eyes in the back of his head?"                      
                                                            
31075 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Armand E Singer        30



The friends of a sweet-faced young man,                     
Made fun of his name, which was Jan.                        
But don't blame his mother,                                 
He was named by another,                                    
His father, whose name was Diane.                           
                                                            
31076 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



Beneath the big chestnut tree leafy,                        
The blacksmith stands, thick-set and beefy;                 
With triceps the size                                       
Of his biceps and thighs;                                   
He's well known in the village as Fifi.                     
                                                            
31077 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



There's a reason Barton is queer,                           
When you meet him, the reason is clear.                     
A godess named Venus                                        
Gave him a penis,                                           
But Ma Nature filled up his brassiere.                      
                                                            
31078 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Jim Weaver Collection    



A sensitive fellow named Harry                              
Thought sex too revolting to marry.                         
So he went out in curls,                                    
And frowned on the girls,                                   
And he got to be known as a fairy.                          
                                                            
31079 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L1433



There once was a man with no spunk,                         
Whose cock was incredibly shrunk.                           
His friends called him tiny,                                
And fudge-packed his heiny,                                 
And came in the mouth of this punk.                         
                                                            
31080 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Bluesman                 



To the shrine which was Pallas Athena's                     
Young Bito, who'd learned about penis,                      
Brought her needles and thread                              
And scissors and said,                                      
"You can stick them, I'm changing to Venus!"                
                                                            
31081 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L0808



"Alliance, I think, would be silly,"                        
Said a hustler of sex, name of Billy.                       
"And in my opinion,                                         
To join the queens union,                                   
Would sort of be guilding my lily."                         
                                                            
31082 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An effeminate fellow named Ron,                             
Had been teased 'til his patience was gone.                 
A fight, he declared,                                       
With no holds to be spared;                                 
They dueled with handbags at dawn!                          
                                                            
31083 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           G Watson                 



There was a Scots boy scout from Airdrie                    
Whose bottom was always kept bared. He                      
Explained, "The scout master                                
Can enter me faster,                                        
And a boy scout must aye be prepared. See?"                 
                                                            
31084 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Linda Marsh Coll         



A Phi Delt known as Carruthers                              
Will never make little girls mothers.                       
Around the old brown,                                       
He is covered with down                                     
To wipe off the dongs of his brothers.                      
                                                            
31085 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L0460



The homos who swish down on Greene                          
Have rented a ladies' latrine...                            
One said, "It's so arty                                     
We're giving a party,                                       
And I have been picked as the Queen."                       
                                                            
31086 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Grand Prix Lim  996      



A wornout saucy old fruit,                                  
Reamed out in the rear of his route,                        
Said with a shy grin,                                       
"I can take your foot in,                                   
As long as you take off your boot!"                         
                                                            
31087 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Straydog                 



A fairy named Archibald Brown                               
Has an exquisite penthouse in town,                         
But the ride up the lift                                    
Always leaves him quite miffed,                             
For he'd really much rather go down.                        
                                                            
31088 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Norm Storer              



There is a young faggot named Mose,                         
Who insists that you fuck his long nose.                    
And you'll double the joy                                   
Of this lecherous boy                                       
If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.                  
                                                            
31089 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L0324



Seems things for Gary do not glitter.                       
By now he's had one up the shitter,                         
While singing, "Come On.                                    
I'm one sad anon,                                           
'Cause I've lost my best baby-sitter."                      
                                                            
31090 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



There once was a queen from Akron                           
Who was asked if he screwed in the john.                    
"Oh Mary!" he said,                                         
"I'd rather be dead."                                       
And swish, the gay fairy was gone.                          
                                                            
31091 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was an old lady of Bingly,                            
Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.                     
I thought I had got                                         
A bloke for my twat,                                        
But he seems rather queenly than kingly."                   
                                                            
31092 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               G0015



"Though I'm pretty broadminded," lisped Roy,                
As he sat at the bar and looked coy.                        
"Though the women who think                                 
They can thway me with dwink,                               
Thoon thee I'm not that thort of boy!"                      
                                                            
31093 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Barrie Collins           



There was an Old man with a poker,                          
Who painted his face with red ochre.                        
When they said, "You're a Gay!"                             
He replied, "I'm that way.                                  
You see I'm the Queen, not the Joker."                      
                                                            
31094 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Edwardian Leer 005  P9306



A postal inspector named Dale,                              
Who's limp-wristed, mincing and frail,                      
Will attempt an inspection                                  
To detect an erection                                       
As he cruises to pick up the male.                          
                                                            
31095 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Jim O'Conner        P9111



There's a gay prison chaplain named Locke,                  
With a weakness for hard convict cock.                      
For his assholy ways                                        
In his Alcatraz days,                                       
He was nicknamed "The Piece Of The Rock".                   
                                                            
31096 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



A pervy young fellow named Claude                           
Often fell down and crawled                                 
On hands and knees,                                         
In order to please                                          
The kind of head that's always bald.                        
                                                            
31097 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a cute chap from Bombay,                          
And people thought he was gay.                              
By the way that he walked                                   
And the way that he talked,                                 
But his colleagues prefered him that way.                   
                                                            
31098 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



Some of the frat-rats at Purdue,                            
Have the habit of saying "Fuck You".                        
But one man did say                                         
In his own queer way,                                       
"Well I don't mind if you do!"                              
                                                            
31099 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



An unliberated young gay                                    
Tried his best to be "Queen for a Day."                     
But the place where he strove                               
Was called "Cherry Grove,"                                  
So he wasn't quite built the right way.                     
                                                            
31100 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Pierce Evans             



There was a young fellow named Oakum,                       
Whose brags about fucking were hokum.                       
For he really preferred                                     
To suck cocks and stir turd.                                
He was Queen of the Flits in Hoboken.                       
                                                            
31101 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L0498



There once was a man named Amanda                           
Who, as a queer, was in high demand-a.                      
On the streets of Madrass,                                  
He would peddle his ass,                                    
'Till the police read him "Miranda."                        
                                                            
31102 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



A much-abused fairy named Miles                             
Did buy him a set of round files                            
He could run up his ass,                                    
Before friends made a pass,                                 
To smooth off a bad case of piles.                          
                                                            
31103 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Armand E Singer       572



There once was a young man named Jay,                       
We came to find out, he was gay.                            
He'd get fucked up the butt                                 
Till his old brown-eye shut.                                
And then he'd shit semen all day.                           
                                                            
31104 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Jim Weaver Collection    



A Kokomo cop named O'Toole                                  
Kept his gat in his shorts as a rule.                       
One day this young clod                                     
Whipped out the wrong rod,                                  
And a gay crook cried, "Shoot me, you fool!"                
                                                            
31105 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Michael Weinstein   P8807



There was a young man named Tweet,                          
Who minced as he walked down the street.                    
He wore shoes of bright red,                                
And playfully said,                                         
"I may not be strong, but I'm sweet."                       
                                                            
31106 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L1547



There was an Old Man on a hill,                             
Who seldom if ever stood still;                             
He ran up and down                                          
In his Grandmother's gown,                                  
And gave all the Pansies a thrill.                          
                                                            
31107 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Edwardian Leer 056       



There once was a guy with an odd gait,                      
Thought it strange that most fellows did walk straight.     
His hips he wiggled,                                        
And to fellows who giggled,                                 
He said, "Queer you took the bait, mate."                   
                                                            
31108 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Jim                      



There was a old man from Kieth,                             
Who never could get any peath,                              
By asking young men                                         
If they hadn't the yen                                      
To get sucked off by one without teeth.                     
                                                            
31109 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                               L0407



Results can be quite unforeseen                             
When scientists mess with our genes;                        
A well-endowed fruit                                        
They tried to transmute,                                    
Creating a peach of a queen!                                
                                                            
31110 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Mark Levy           P9403



Said Jane to her mother, "I fear                            
My husband's turned into a queer.                           
On Sundays and Mondays                                      
He irons my undies,                                         
And he secretly wears my brassiere."                        
                                                            
31111 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN                                    



A gay lost his boots in a game...                           
And his shirt, and his pants, but no shame --               
Was it poker? No way!                                       
That's no game for a gay.                                   
He played "poke 'em." To lose was his aim!                  
                                                            
31112 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Shakes Younger Bro TP9802



A raucous young fairy named Fred                            
Would never consent to give head.                           
He always would pass,                                       
Liking it up the ass,                                       
And eating the results instead.                             
                                                            
31113 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Anon                     



I happened across Wilbur Lawson                             
With cheeks spread and letting his boss in!                 
"As you see I'm a fairy,"                                   
He started his query,                                       
"Is there anything you'd like to toss in?"                  
                                                            
31114 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Jeff Iverson             



There once was a man from L.A.                              
Who was so incredibly gay,                                  
He took off his clothes                                     
And struck a queer pose,                                    
And went off to use the bidet.                              
                                                            
31115 HOMOS - MALE - QUEEN           Woodward                 



A randy young sailor named Mace                             
Got a fright that he couldn't erase.                        
As he lifted the skirt                                      
Of his highly paid flirt,                                   
And found balls staring back in his face                    
                                                            
31116 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Jim Weaver Collection    



At a strange chick's place, getting fellation;              
Saw a picture which gave consternation;                     
I said: "Who is that dope?                                  
Not your hubbie, I hope?"                                   
"That's me, love, before my operation!"                     
                                                            
31117 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



At the bar I'd thrown back a few beers,                     
When in walked a bevy of dears.                             
I exchanged a few winks                                     
And bought them some drinks,                                
Then learned that the bastards were queers.                 
                                                            
31118 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        John Miller              



A fellow from North Caroliner,                              
Was caught in the act with a minor.                         
But it wasn't so bad.                                       
It wasn't a lad,                                            
But a friendly gold-diggin' forty-niner.                    
                                                            
31119 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A statuesque beauty, Marlene,                               
Bowed a curtsy in from of the queen.                        
Her skirt ripped apart;                                     
Liz saw with a start                                        
She wasn't a her, but a heem.                               
                                                            
31120 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Joy Morin           P8312



Way down in old New Orleans,                                
There are many great shows with drag scenes.                
The shows there are great                                   
But the stars I hate --                                     
They look better than me! Damn those queens!                
                                                            
31121 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Kaylin                   



This girl who unzipped your apparel,                        
And attacked you with fever most feral,                     
I'm guessing the name                                       
Of that venturesome dame,                                   
Who splurged all your splashes was Daryl.                   
                                                            
31122 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



"Donuts, Frank?  What were you thinking?"                   
"Sorry, Hank!  I must have been drinking."                  
"But donuts and beer                                        
Will make you turn queer,"                                  
Said Hank, seductively winking.                             
                                                            
31123 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Phil T                   



There was a young man in Fort Bragg                         
Who hung out in bars dressed in drag;                       
When loggers get drunk                                      
Who cares? Lass or hunk?                                    
Better this, than wake up with a hag!                       
                                                            
31124 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



He wanted excitement that noche,                            
So he got in his lowrider coche.                            
To some babes that looked nice,                             
He said, "Que chee-chees trais."                            
But he found they had dicks, not panoches.                  
                                                            
31125 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Melissa Smead            



So often did Mary fail,                                     
To get her a big hairy male;                                
Each one she would find                                     
Was elsewise inclined,                                      
It's simply a sad fairy tale.                               
                                                            
31126 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



A stranger, out looking for quim                            
In pubs where the lights burned quite dim,                  
Approached a cute chick,                                    
Said, " Hi, my name's Rick;"                                
To which the "chick" answered, "I'm Jim."                   
                                                            
31127 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Travis Brasell           



Way back in my halcyon youth,                               
When discos were dim and uncouth,                           
Some fellow named Hank                                      
Kept calling me Frank                                       
When he knew full-well it was Ruth.                         
                                                            
31128 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        SFA                      



A bad trait of her spouse she is squelching,                
One that is even worse than his belching.                   
You'll see that I speak                                     
A bit tongue-in-cheek.                                      
The bad trait, I speak of, it is felching.                  
                                                            
31129 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



There once was a fairy called "droll"                       
Whom the fishermen fucked with a pole.                      
And he liked it so good                                     
He was getting some wood,                                   
And said "Sailor, you filet my sole!"                       
                                                            
31130 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



Portland's Rose was a fine little flower;                   
Her bud's did amuse by the hour.                            
But oh, what a trick,                                       
Under petals so thick,                                      
To find such a magnificent prick.                           
                                                            
31131 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Jim Weaver Collection    



In Hollywood hookers all stand                              
On Sunset and wait for a man.                               
One john learned a lot,                                     
When he reached for a twat,                                 
And wound up with a dick in his hand!                       
                                                            
31132 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



Captain Fortescue (R.N. retired)                            
Said, "The valet I recently hired                           
Is a bloody ass-bandit!                                     
I can't understand it!                                      
My ad just said 'Gay soul required'."                       
                                                            
31133 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Martin Rand              



Live sex?  The best in the world?                           
Something that made your toes curl?                         
Get out of here                                             
You pasty faced queer,                                      
Before something at you is hurled!                          
                                                            
31134 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



She seemed different somehow as he kissed her;              
Regardless, he could hardly resist her.                     
But his shock was for real,                                 
As he copped for a feel,                                    
And found that the girl was a Mister!                       
                                                            
31135 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Squeaky            TP9806



One very long quite boring day,                             
Young Jimmy was tickling Ray.                               
As they rolled in the sand,                                 
It got out of hand;                                         
It all got decidedly gay.                                   
                                                            
31136 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Anon                     



When I saw her that night at the dance,                     
My friend told me "Lad, you've no chance!"                  
I was coming on strong;                                     
So it didn't take long.                                     
Then I asked for her name...it was Lance.                   
                                                            
31137 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



But Frank wanted a shag, not a joust                        
Such a pity his flame had been doused                       
Had he taken his chance                                     
And he nailed lovely Lance                                  
We would now have to get him deloused                       
                                                            
31138 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



I knew a young chap we called Tim,                          
Who decided to go out (on a whim).                          
He paid for a whore,                                        
But got even more                                           
When he found out the her was a him.                        
                                                            
31139 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Jim Weaver Collection    



An Irishman known as Molloy                                 
Said, "Everyone thinks I'm a goy.                           
But in fact it's not true,                                  
For I'm really a Jew --                                     
And what's more, I'm a girl, not a boy."                    
                                                            
31140 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        P Chernoff               



I had a card, what a beauty;                                
Hearts and flowers, a real cutie.                           
But then I looked inside,                                   
And read "Love from Clyde;                                  
I'll be round when your wife's on night duty."              
                                                            
31141 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



Of all the cute girls I have seen,                          
Sweet Mary was one who had been,                            
Fucking with me. I am told.                                 
All that glimmers ain't gold,                               
'Cause Mary, he was a queen!                                
                                                            
31142 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



A most hateful fellow, Kris Haight                          
Wants to keep all the rest of us straight?                  
So with logic absurd,                                       
This arrogant turd                                          
Exercises a queer Nazi trait.                               
                                                            
31143 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



I dated a woman named Venus.                                
It turned out that she had a penis                          
Much bigger than mine!                                      
My six and her nine,                                        
Gave us fifteen inches between us!                          
                                                            
31144 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Wildman            TP9802



I met a young lass using E-mail;                            
I certainly thought she was female.                         
We had cybersex,                                            
But me she did vex,                                         
'Cause it turned out the lass was no female.                
                                                            
31145 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Sean Curtis              



Young Alex I met once in Cottam;                            
Quite pretty, but tits, she'd not got 'em.                  
A cross-dresser!  Shit!                                     
It's a bottomless pit;                                      
Or rather a damned pitless bottom.                          
                                                            
31146 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a boy named Matt,                            
Who dated a gal named Pat...                                
But under the covers,                                       
He saw that his lover,                                      
Was really the Perfesser - that rat!                        
                                                            
31147 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



I once met a person named Nell,                             
And I guess I fell under her spell.                         
I tickled her toes                                          
While removing her hose.                                    
"Nell" was male, and I just ran like hell!                  
                                                            
31148 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Al Willis           P9805



The candidates are courting the cattle                      
For the double-aught primary battle;                        
We'll find in due course                                    
That some Man On White Horse,                               
Was seen to be riding side-saddle.                          
                                                            
31149 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



Tom thought it was time that he bred,                       
And took Tony, his crony, to bed.                           
He groped in the dark;                                      
Confused, missed his mark,                                  
And had Roger, the lodger, instead.                         
                                                            
31150 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young girl from the West,                       
Who looked like a queen when she dressed.                   
On a date she would wear                                    
Fake tits and false hair,                                   
And she'd shave all the hair off her chest.                 
                                                            
31151 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Albin Chaplin   3024-2383



The transvestite wore a perfect disguise,                   
And as my member started to rise,                           
I reached for her thigh;                                    
But "Oh Shit!  It's a guy!"                                 
He just giggled and said, "Surprise!"                       
                                                            
31152 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Norm Brust               



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Her ass was really quite dandy.                             
I jumped into the sack                                      
And looked at her back,                                     
And I found out that "she" was Randy!                       
                                                            
31153 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Jim Weaver Collection    



As I was reading my e-mail,                                 
I came across a note from a female.                         
I went out and met her;                                     
It would have been better                                   
If "she" had not been a gay he-male.                        
                                                            
31154 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Popsicle           TP9806



There was a young girl from the city                        
Who was flattering, charming and pretty.                    
But the men who all fail,                                   
Found her to be male,                                       
And departed with way too much pity.                        
                                                            
31155 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE                                 



There once was a young man named Tony,                      
Who liked his girls skinny and bony.                        
But his eyesight deceived him                               
When he took home Girly Jim,                                
Who's a he, not a she, and a phoney.                        
                                                            
31156 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Anon                     



There are homophobes, I would guess                         
Who might be obliged to AGGRESS                             
At time when they're caught,                                
When gal's favors bought,                                   
Are given by guy in a dress.                                
                                                            
31157 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Chris Papa               



I met her and tried to impress her.                         
And later, I tried to undress her.                          
When I tried to explore,                                    
Some things fell to the floor.                              
'Twas then I found he's a cross-dresser.                    
                                                            
31158 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Al Willis           P9609



As my girl-friend you answered to Les,                      
Though as Lesley I thought of you, yes.                     
But I found your equip-                                     
ment made use of a zip,                                     
That's the end of our friendship, I guess.                  
                                                            
31159 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Professor                



When I first met young Paul from St Cyr,                    
I thought he was really a dear.                             
But his voice and his name                                  
Are now not the same.                                       
His behavior is really quite queer.                         
                                                            
31160 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        John T and Donna Burt    



Remember that night in Algiers                              
When we drowned all our cares in our beers?                 
Oh Lord! What a shock!                                      
When I reached up the smock                                 
Of that sweet Arab lass -- Those damn queers!               
                                                            
31161 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Arthur Deex         P8309



While partying late New Years Eve,                          
I made a mistake that I grieve.                             
I thought that my date                                      
Was a woman named Kate,                                     
But I woke up with a Steve!                                 
                                                            
31162 HOMOS - MALE - SURPRISE        Wildman             T9801



Poor Eric was needing a mate,                               
So swiftly arranged a blind date.                           
So at eight o'clock                                         
Beneath the town clock,                                     
He proceeded to go meet his fate.                           
                                                            
31163 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Jayne                    



Quite a big girl was young Kate;                            
She was only a little bit late.                             
They went for a meal;                                       
He fancied a feel,                                          
As he finished the grub on his plate.                       
                                                            
31164 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Jayne                    



She really was quite a prick teaser.                        
Eric grabbed some beers out of the freezer.                 
But, Oh what a shock!                                       
She had a big cock!                                         
Young Kate's not a girl, she's a geezer.                    
                                                            
31165 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Jayne                    



Feel free to just look in and see                           
When next you are taking a pee.                             
Go past the first two                                       
And then you can view                                       
Them all there in stall number three!                       
                                                            
31166 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



Do these contests occur every hour?                         
If you had 'em atop a tall tower                            
The weirdos we know                                         
Could buy tickets below                                     
To enjoy a real nice golden shower.                         
                                                            
31167 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



You ask me to join in?  Thanks, nope!                       
Against me you'd all have no hope.                          
When I'm in top form                                        
And ready, all warm,                                        
I enjoy pissing right up a rope.                            
                                                            
31168 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



But it's fun to compete with a friend;                      
Let loose a full stream without end.                        
Tell you what, I'm no dope,                                 
While I piss up the rope,                                   
All of you go piss into the wind.                           
                                                            
31169 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



I hope the contest ain't obscurin'                          
The training required that's so pure an'                    
Challenging physically.                                     
Do you, he asked quizzically,                               
Forget the warm wet state that urine?                       
                                                            
31170 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



My window is boring today;                                  
There's nobody good 'cross the way.                         
There's just one dull guy                                   
As boring as I --                                           
I flashed him, but he must be gay.                          
                                                            
31171 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



Ignored you?  That ain't no surprise.                       
That fellow, like most of us guys,                          
Will want more invention,                                   
To get his attention...                                     
You've got to flash more than your eyes.                    
                                                            
31172 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



There once was a man from Rinde,                            
Who might have been the gay kind.                           
Asked to go away,                                           
He was heard to say:                                        
"I cannot leave my friend's behind."                        
                                                            
31173 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Les Stewart              



But maybe his good friend's behind                          
Was pleasantly tight for a grind,                           
And better than others,                                     
Including his brother's,                                    
Which isn't so soft and refined.                            
                                                            
31174 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



How is Bob in the cupboard now faring?                      
Have you let him out for some airing?                       
He was quite a sight                                        
On Monday night.                                            
(Could I borrow that dress he was wearing?)                 
                                                            
31175 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Petal                    



Old Bob can't remember which dress                          
That he wore Monday night to impress                        
You. Now did it have spots,                                 
Stripes, or blue polka dots?                                
('Twas a floral arrangement, I guess.)                      
                                                            
31176 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Peter W                  



He says if you buy him a scotch,                            
Then he promises never to watch                             
From his cupboard as you                                    
Do whatever you do                                          
In those undies you wear with no crotch.                    
                                                            
31177 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Peter W                  



Cried heavyweight pugilist Rex                              
(Flexing biceps and triceps and pecs,                       
As he knocked his opponent                                  
Out cold and somnolent),                                    
"I'd love to try lesbian sex."                              
(bartender, a round for us lesbians)                        
31178 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



"I look rather fetching in pink                             
And this lipstick quite suits me, I think."                 
Then he sat down and bawled                                 
As the referee called                                       
For a doctor, a nurse and a shrink.                         
                                                            
31179 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



A crafty old codger was Roger;                              
He rented a room to a lodger                                
He found most appealing;                                    
Drilled holes in the ceiling,                               
And watched as he fondled his todger.                       
                                                            
31180 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



The lodger stepped out of her skirt,                        
Her stilettos, her sweater and shirt;                       
Then her pantyhose, vest,                                   
Brassiere and the rest.                                     
Poor old Roger was ready to squirt.                         
                                                            
31181 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



But suddenly, what did he see                               
Hanging down from the lodger's left knee?                   
A humungous great bone,                                     
Twice as thick as his own,                                  
And as thick as the trunk of a tree!                        
                                                            
31182 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



"Oh shit!" said old Roger and squirted                      
Much jelly and cream which alerted                          
The lodger below,                                           
Who said, "Jolly good show;                                 
But I think you're a trifle perverted."                     
                                                            
31183 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



A certain old pervert named Casement                        
Is guilty of heinous debasement;                            
The plain simple fact is                                    
What guys like him practice,                                
Comes under the head of displacement.                       
                                                            
31184 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Armand E Singer      936A



His sibling, a far finer Casement,                          
Was known for extreme self abasement;                       
Thus, dispite all his good work,                            
He was lost in the wood work,                               
Result, a near total effacement.                            
                                                            
31185 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Armand E Singer       937



I once knew a girl named Petunia,                           
With a marvelous new way of screwin' ya.                    
She would mount from behind,                                
Then she'd bump and she'd grind,                            
Would please ya although it could ruin ya.                  
                                                            
31186 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         John Miller              



I heard of that gal named Petunia,                          
Who could most certainly ruin ya.                           
Seems 'she' was a 'he'                                      
And liked men, yesiree;                                     
She'd mount from behind and spray spoo in ya!               
                                                            
31187 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Gearhart                 



I once knew a bloke called Jack,                            
Who was always in and out of the sack.                      
But Jack, he was gay,                                       
For his farts, they would say,                              
"Poof", as they left through his crack.                     
                                                            
31188 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Queensland Person        



A mate I thought straight, he then said,                    
That Jack gave magnificent head.                            
Though I'd not heard it all,                                
It'll be 'Bums To The Wall!'                                
Till someone can prove I'm misled.                          
                                                            
31189 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Queensland Person        



I met a young fellow the other day,                         
Who openly confessed "I am gay".                            
"I experience delight                                       
And pleasures outa sight                                    
In an about face kind of a way".                            
                                                            
31190 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



"That is simply not for me", I said;                        
"I would never give a man head!                             
Nor apply my renal                                          
To your duodenal;                                           
I would rather have beavers instead!"                       
                                                            
31191 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



There was one who gave me a chase,                          
A Minor League pitcher called Ace.                          
But he had lotsa nerve:                                     
Aimed to throw me a curve                                   
Then split ere I got to burst face.                         
                                                            
31192 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



But beavers are always more fun;                            
As catchers, they're second to none.                        
They'll gobble your wood                                    
And make you feel good,                                     
'Fore saying, "I gotta roam, Hon".                          
                                                            
31193 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



There's a blonde girl in room 24,                           
This story I'm sure you'll abhor.                           
Her lock it was broken;                                     
Her resistance a token;                                     
But nobody knocked on her door.                             
                                                            
31194 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



They came to repair it, it's said,                          
While the girl lay asleep o her bed.                        
The carpenters dreams                                       
Fell apart at the seams,                                    
When he dropped the new lock on her head.                   
                                                            
31195 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



She told me the story thus far,                             
As she gave me a lift in her car.                           
But I am quite sure                                         
That there will be more,                                    
Room twenty four is not far.                                
                                                            
31196 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



So making love to the chimes of Big Ben,                    
At half past or quarter to ten,                             
Or in that vicinity,                                        
She lost her virginity.                                     
The lady in question is Glen.                               
                                                            
31197 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



There was an old spinster called Maude                      
At whom everyone laughed and guffawed;                      
Until handsome young Bert                                   
Caused a tent in her skirt,                                 
Which revealed she was really a Claude.                     
                                                            
31198 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



"I've wanted," sobbed Claude, "all my life,                 
Just to be somebody's dear wife.                            
Strong hormones I take                                      
So my titties shake,                                        
But I've not gone under the knife."                         
                                                            
31199 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



I just met this Queen that you've seen,                     
Said her name wasn't Claude but Claudine.                   
And this is no joke,                                        
So I gave her a poke;                                       
My poor little cock has turned green.                       
                                                            
31200 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



Can you give this poor guy some advice;                     
To get my own colour back would be nice.                    
I feel such a dope                                          
When I open my coat,                                        
My flashes have just got to be nice.                        
                                                            
31201 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



I saw her from across the room;                             
When our eyes met, I was doomed.                            
Was hoping she'd make up                                    
For my recent break up,                                     
And help chase away all the gloom.                          
                                                            
31202 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Gearhart                 



I asked her if she might, per chance,                       
Fancy a romantic dance.                                     
The way she said "Yesss,"                                   
I must confess,                                             
Almost made me cream in my pants.                           
                                                            
31203 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Gearhart                 



A deep, sultry, southernly voice,                           
A body, so pleasantly choice,                               
That long flowing hair                                      
And transfixing stare,                                      
Made my palms sweaty amd moist.                             
                                                            
31204 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Gearhart                 



When the band had finished their song,                      
I felt something terribly wrong.                            
Against me was pressed                                      
From behind that dress,                                     
A bulge that had to be a dong!                              
                                                            
31205 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Gearhart                 



I hoped like hell "he" would not follow.                    
I was not in search for a fellow.                           
It at last dawned on me                                     
As I reached my MG,                                         
Why the name of the bar was "The Swallow."                  
                                                            
31206 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Gearhart                 



There was a young lass in Manila;                           
It seems that no boyfriend could thrill her.                
To the market she'd go,                                     
Check the bins to and fro,                                  
To find a nice gourd to fulfill her.                        
                                                            
31207 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



As she sought a veggie delight,                             
A handsome young stud she caught sight.                     
She had thoughts of romance,                                
For a bulge in his pants,                                   
Meant he probably stayed up all night.                      
                                                            
31208 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



With a smile she went to his cart,                          
Intending to intercourse start.                             
But far from being nice,                                    
He'd just point to the price                                
Of the produce he'd brought to the mart.                    
                                                            
31209 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



Getting mad, she said "Are you so blind?                    
Don't I bring thoughts of lust to your mind?                
If you handle things right                                  
We could really be tight."                                  
And to make her point, rubbed her behind.                   
                                                            
31210 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



But the guy said "Hey, girl, though you're cute,            
Any hopes of our mingling is moot.                          
Just between you and me,                                    
No vegetables, see;                                         
I'm one of those merchants who's fruit."                    
                                                            
31211 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES                                  



When a guy stares into a girl's eyes,                       
And he takes a deep breath and then sighs,                  
It's a safe bet to take                                     
That the next move he'll make                               
Is to reach with his hand 'tween her thighs.                
                                                            
31212 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Brasel                   



In Frisco, make damn sure of this,                          
That the chick you meet's really a Miss;                    
After kisses and sighs,                                     
With your hand 'tween her thighs,                           
You'll say "Huh!  Omigod!  What is this?"                   
                                                            
31213 HOMOS - MALE - ZSERIES         Allen Wolverton          



In the Long Island Railroad, a queer                        
Said to his fairy shackmate, "My dear,                      
You leave first next station,                               
For I LOVE the sensation                                    
When I come after you in the rear.                          
                                                            
31214 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Grand Prix Lim  521      



Two queers were about to be lovers;                         
They had yet to dive under the covers.                      
When using the couch,                                       
His back went out -- OUCH!                                  
And he took a long time to recover.                         
                                                            
31215 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's Jerry, whose monstrous great dick's                  
The feature of many porn flicks.                            
I'm sure you have seen                                      
It there with a teen                                        
Tart, teaching the trollop some tricks.                     
                                                            
31216 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Tiddy Ogg                



And once shooting's done for the day,                       
Both Jerry and Ben are away,                                
A-burgling of turds,                                        
Of fellas, not birds,                                       
In bars near the beach on the bay.                          
                                                            
31217 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Tiddy Ogg                



The truth is, he's really no use,                           
At plundering a female caboose,                             
So gay boyfriend, Ben's                                     
There, hid from the lens,                                   
Ensuring his dick don't refuse.                             
                                                            
31218 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Tiddy Ogg                



A certified pansy namaed Bloom                              
Is wedding a fruit of the loom,                             
But it's hard to assign                                     
In a manner condign,   (worthy)                             
The roles of the bride and the groom.                       
                                                            
31219 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Armand E Singer       311



A lesbian in Shaker Heights                                 
Shocks neighbors...she leaves on the lights,                
When her butch arrives there,                               
And the lush undraped pair                                  
Indulge in their bulging delights.                          
                                                            
31220 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Grand Prix Lim  392      



While driving, two queers in Calais                         
Bumped into each other one day.                             
So they glared nose to nose                                 
Then they both exchanged blows,                             
And they happily went on their way.                         
                                                            
31221 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0797



Said a fag to a queer named Salome,                         
"If you think you're so good, simply show me."              
Said the queer, "Why you prick, you,                        
I'll deck you and click you,                                
Before you can throw me and blow me."                       
                                                            
31222 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0875



"Who came to my tea?" wailed Dame Tupple.                   
"Just some cupcakes, fruit pies and a couple                
Of ding-dongs and twinkies,                                 
Who kept twirling their pinkies,                            
And unmentionable things far more supple.                   
                                                            
31223 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once were a couple of queers,                         
Who loved going on basketeers.                              
One preferred, you may guess,                               
The right, to left-dress,                                   
But for hangs-in-the-middle--just jeers!                    
                                                            
31224 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                             L1519



Now Paul and Barry were transies,      (transvestites)      
Converted from being chimpanzees;                           
Their asses were runny,                                     
But neither was funny:                                      
Just a couple of dumb fuckin' pansies.                      
                                                            
31225 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



It's tough in these days of P.C.                            
To figure just who it may be,                               
Who's having the fun.                                       
'Cause some folks tastes run                                
To same gender unions, I see.                               
                                                            
31226 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Chris Papa               



Said Anne to her sweet lover, Ellen,                        
"I saw you looking at Helen.                                
I mean Helen Hunt.                                          
If you want her cunt,                                       
That's the last of mine you'll be smellin'!                 
                                                            
31227 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Mike M             TP9802



Arrested in truckstop commodes,                             
The toolman quite loudly explodes;                          
"The police are unfair                                      
When us drivers they snare,                                 
We were merely exchanging our loads!"                       
                                                            
31228 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



A fudge packer by the name of Ray                           
Had a boyfriend who also was gay.                           
"His lips don't delight me,                                 
Nor do they excite me,                                      
But I believe that his fanny may."                          
                                                            
31229 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Tom Patton          P9708



Everyone has their tale's of woe.                           
Tonight, in self pity, I'll go.                             
Alone I do sit;                                             
A blank screen is lit,                                      
And I find myself short on the dough!                       
                                                            
31230 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



There are those who will tell you romance,                  
For each is a difficult dance.                              
But gay or straight,                                        
Once you've put out the bait,                               
You'll have taken one hell of a chance!                     
                                                            
31231 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



Let me tell 'bout who I'd been seeing;                      
He's a smooth, muscular human being.                        
"Eye Candy", it's true!                                     
But I must tell you.                                        
It's fine when his "giftee", I'm "gee-ing"!  (Bobby Burns)  
                                                            
31232 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



Things going fine and then "BAM"!                           
He said to "Get with the program!".                         
Now if I want to lay him,                                   
He said I must pay him.                                     
You: "Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn"!               
                                                            
31233 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



He's off for a month in Hawaii,                             
With someone who will pay his fee.                          
He won't give, but take.                                    
Dreams of money he'll make.                                 
I thank God that I'm me and not he!                         
                                                            
31234 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



Night is when that I find                                   
I can't get him off of my mind.                             
Gotta get back to work;                                     
Stop being a jerk!                                          
But I really do need my "knob" shined!                      
                                                            
31235 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



How can I get my work done?                                 
He's out trying Hawaii style fun.                           
Does he expect me to beat,                                  
Every night on my meat,                                     
While he's having beach sex in the sun?                     
                                                            
31236 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



Now he is having a "rest",                                  
Being some old rich guy's "guest".                          
A different guy,                                            
Has now caught my eye!                                      
If I must pay, I'll pay for the best!                       
                                                            
31237 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



Saturday, I fly to Hollywood,                               
To pay for a porn star that's good!                         
You ask why I'd pay;                                        
I'm too shy, I must say.                                    
This is just not a gay neighborhood!                        
                                                            
31238 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



I met a guy named Brian,                                    
And I thought that he was lyin',                            
When he said he liked guys                                  
With wide-open flies,                                       
Until I met his best friend -- Ryan!                        
                                                            
31239 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



There is a young fellow named Harold                        
Who oft with two Irishmen carolled.                         
He finds them theatric                                      
For Fitzgerald Fitzpatrick                                  
As well as Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald.                          
                                                            
31240 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0924



A usual loser named Pruitt                                  
At last finding love, somehow knew it.                      
He grabbed his best friend,                                 
Laid bare his front end --                                  
He had his big chance and he blew it.                       
                                                            
31241 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Armand E Singer       382



Two gays finally made their debut                           
And publicly swore to eschew                                
The opposite gender                                         
For coupling more tender--                                  
Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh.                      
                                                            
31242 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Bob Giandomenico    P9111



One day old Jack Smith and Jack Means                       
Met up with two queers in their teens                       
Jack and Jack beat the pair                                 
And then just left them there --                            
It's the first time two Jacks beat two queens.              
                                                            
31243 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jon Gearhart             



Well I am extremely offended!                               
You shouldn't be left unattended,                           
Because those two queers,                                   
Might just read your jeers,                                 
And you'll end up being up-ended.                           
                                                            
31244 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Carol                    



I'm not the least bit scared today,                         
About those harsh words that you did say.                   
I'll just get Jack and Jack                                 
To help watch my back,                                      
And then I'll be Mary and gay.                              
                                                            
31245 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Gearhart                 



I too, find your post quite offensive                       
And since the trespass is extensive,                        
I hope those Jacks and queens                               
Show you what Freud means,                                  
When he calls your ass "anal retentive!"                    
                                                            
31246 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Fred                     



"Do you know," said a punter called Dai,                    
"'I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy'?"                       
The pianist replied,                                        
Without missing his stride,                                 
"I suppose, dear, than this is goodbye?"                    
                                                            
31247 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Ron Rubin                



A pansy who lives in Dobb's Ferry                           
Asked a limp-wristed swish if he'd marry.                   
He at once got his jack up,                                 
Saying, "No, but I'll shack up                              
Till tomorrow, when I'm marrying Harry!"                    
                                                            
31248 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Grand Prix Lim  791      



Jim Smith left City Hall "wed," and cried.                  
His new "husband" was bursting with pride.                  
Jim's really dynamite!                                      
A red-hot catamite!                                         
And he looks lovely, dressed as a bride."                   
                                                            
31249 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Ward Hardman             



At the party, his "husband's" hand clasping,                
Jim felt part of his lingerie rasping.                      
He's such a bad farter;                                     
When he tossed his garter,                                  
He left the guests on the dance floor, gasping.             
                                                            
31250 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Ward Hardman             



Dressed all in velvet and brocades,                         
Jim Smith earned bridal passing grades.                     
Now, as all expected,                                       
His "husband's" infected,                                   
Since the wedding night, with AIDS.                         
                                                            
31251 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



On honeymoon, by pervert lust buoyed,                       
His "husband", Jim's backside destroyed.                    
About 9 months later,                                       
Jim went into labor,                                        
Gave birth to an eight pound hemorrhoid.                    
                                                            
31252 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Ward Hardman             



Jim came to "Baghdad-by-the-Bay,"                           
To get married, just because he's gay.                      
Don't dare laugh, you peasants!                             
Now he'll expect presents,                                  
Given to him on Mother's Day.                               
                                                            
31253 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Ward Hardman             



A zooman who loved drinking mare-y piss                     
Was advised to get help from a therapist.                   
The shrink, it is true,                                     
Was also a zoo,                                             
And they both hopped a fence and had merry bliss.           
                                                            
31254 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Two fussy old queers from Algiers,                          
Were flustered and almost in tears,                         
For the buggers had spent                                   
What they needed for rent,                                  
And their landlord had said, "No Arrears!"                  
                                                            
31255 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



Alas, this will always perplex,                             
Cohabitors of the same sex,                                 
Though fulfillment they crave,                              
They're not born concave                                    
In the place where their partner's convex.                  
                                                            
31256 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         DC Dave                  



This was really great news for old Harry.                   
There's a cousin he wanted to marry.                        
'Twas a terrible blow                                       
When the preacher said "NO!                                 
I won't marry a Harry to Larry!"                            
                                                            
31257 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



A gay lost his boots in a game...                           
And returned to his home full of shame.                     
"Lost my tackle", he groaned                                
To his partner who moaned,                                  
"Our relationship never will be the same !"                 
                                                            
31258 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



On Fire Island stood Jerry and Davey,                       
Observing the waters so wavy.                               
"Wath THAT boat, dear Jerry?"                               
"Why, dear, that's a ferry."                                
"Gracious! We now have a navy?"                             
                                                            
31259 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         John Miller              



Same sex marriages just don't do it,                        
For marriage is two as a unit.                              
When the wedding is done                                    
Two can't become one,                                       
Unless the parts fit so's to screw it.                      
                                                            
31260 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Two misers named Jock and MacTavish                         
Tossed bachanals, bawdy and lavish.                         
This strange contradiction                                  
Is palpable fiction,                                        
For they'd only each other to ravish.                       
                                                            
31261 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



A couple named Jackie and Jill                              
Had a lesbian romp on the hill,                             
In a steamy affair,                                         
In the sweet, dewy air,                                     
On a warm summer's night in Brazil.                         
                                                            
31262 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Cap'n Bean          P0208



A captain, exposed to alarms,                               
And much given to shivers and qualms,                       
Just couldn't keep warm                                     
On a boat in a storm,                                       
Without the first mate in his arms.                         
                                                            
31263 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Isaac Asimov             



A strapping young bloke from East End,                      
Goes out late at night with his 'friend'.                   
They 'stick' together                                       
In all sorts of weather,                                    
And often for each other bend.                              
                                                            
31264 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



There was a young man of Bengal                             
Who was fond of the ass on his pal.                         
"He ain't much for looks                                    
But he cleans and he cooks,                                 
And he's tighter than most any gal."                        
                                                            
31265 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         MrMalo                   



Though bigots may raise up a rumpus,                        
We won't let their naysaying stump us.                      
So a Toast and three cheers                                 
For your own little Lears                                   
For the marriage of Toast Point and Wumpus.                 
                                                            
31266 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Jim Weaver Collection    



My friend came home high on scotch,                         
With a tingling deep in his crotch.                         
He found her in bed                                         
Giving another girl head;                                   
He'd have stayed if she'd just let him watch.               
                                                            
31267 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



She wouldn't do it, too modest by far.                      
His belongings he threw into his car.                       
He left her that day                                        
In a horny drunk way,                                       
And you can find him most days in a bar.                    
                                                            
31268 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE                                  



Two lonely old men from Brazil                              
Lived all by themselves on a hill,                          
But inserted their pissers                                  
In each other's kissers;                                    
Where there's a way, there's a will.                        
                                                            
31269 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Armand E Singer       335



There once was a young girl named Heather                   
Who said that she never knew whether                        
The one she called Mom                                      
Or the one she called Tom                                   
Was her mom -- or both were -- together.                    
                                                            
31270 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Anon                     



There were two young brothers named Frood                   
Who only each other they wooed.                             
Though their love was intense,                              
It was full of suspense                                     
For they never knew which would get screwed.                
                                                            
31271 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0921



Two fairies got married with pride;                         
They took all the jibes in good stride.                     
But they faced with some fright                             
A dilemma that night,                                       
So they flipped to see who'd be the bride.                  
                                                            
31272 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0870



Gay lims are often quite droll,                             
And often refer to some asshole.                            
But being gay depends                                       
On the circle of friends;                                   
The widening of, is your goal.                              
                                                            
31273 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Funny Bone               



We once knew a fellow named Ned                             
Who did all his best work in bed.                           
Sometimes he'd just think,                                  
But mostly he'd dink                                        
With a hot-blooded buddy, instead.                          
                                                            
31274 HOMOS - PAIRS/MARRIAGE         Limericks Naughty & Gay  



When the Army, Navy, and Air Force,                         
Are turning to queers as a resource,                        
The only thing missing                                      
Is Al and Bill kissing,                                     
And that's no doubt coming, or course.                      
                                                            
31275 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



With a discharge the Navy has shed                          
A pot smoking gay, Ensign Tedd;                             
For in men's rooms in bars                                  
Going down on young tars,                                   
He's a head, giving head, in the head.                      
                                                            
31276 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Bob Giandomenico    P8803



The Marine Corp enlisted a queer,                           
Who caressed the D.I. on his ear.                           
When the Sergeant was through,                              
He was battered and blue,                                   
And his bandages came down to here.                         
                                                            
31277 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Vernon R. Harris    P9309



I know I'm no genius, but ah me!                            
A friend has done something quite balmy.                    
He was perfectly sure                                       
Constipation he'd cure,                                     
By joining the regular army.                                
                                                            
31278 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Mike Dale                



There was once a young gay in the Navy,                     
Whose long hair was both scented and wavy.                  
When he crawled in the sack                                 
With a straight maniac,                                     
He was sent to the bottom with Davy.                        
                                                            
31279 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Vernon R. Harris    P9309



There was a young man from Dakar                            
Who hung out in the army base bar.                          
Don't tell and don't ask                                    
Or else you will bask                                       
On the front page "news" of the Star.                       
                                                            
31280 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Marlene                  



Even Air Force has not been exempt,                         
From the pervert's ambitious attempt.                       
But the gay on the crew                                     
Of a bomber withdrew,                                       
When they dropped both the bombs, and the wimp.             
                                                            
31281 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Vernon R. Harris    P9309



A company of Grenadier Guards,                              
While traversing the park, formed in squads,                
Saw two naked statues,                                      
At three-quarter pratt views,                               
Which perceptibly stiffened their rods.                     
                                                            
31282 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   L1427



A soldier who's stationed at Bragg,                         
Confirmed that he was a fag.                                
One night he drank heavily,                                 
And showed up for revilly,                                  
The following day in full drag.                             
                                                            
31283 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                        



There once was an old pioneer                               
Who really enjoyed the frontier;                            
He lived in a cave                                          
With a Cherokee brave -                                     
And nobody thought he was queer.                            
                                                            
31284 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Norm Storer         P9509



There was a young pansy named Gene,                         
Who picked up a sadistic Marine.                            
Said the Marine with a smirk,                               
As they got down to work,                                   
"In this game, the Jack beats the Queen."                   
                                                            
31285 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   L0469



Yet another gay went in the Army,                           
And became in the barracks quite charmy.                    
He attempted to kiss                                        
The First Sergeant at Bliss,                                
And at Leavenworth, now he's quite warmy.                   
                                                            
31286 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Vernon R. Harris    P9309



Now I don't feel bloody bad,                                
All the sex talks I had as a lad.                           
You'd think I'd get it right,                               
Screwing knight after knight,                               
Am I queer? Or a wee bit sex mad.                           
                                                            
31287 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Barbara Cunningham  P9604



Were I the President-Elect,                                 
To be more politically correct,                             
I'd grant each GI gay                                       
His queer roll in the hay.                                  
'Tis the least offensive route to select.                   
                                                            
31288 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Harry Rubin         P9301



There once was a guardsman from Buckingham,                 
Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.                
But when I meet boys,                                       
God!  How I enjoys                                          
Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."                
                                                            
31289 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   G0831



Two gobs from the cruiser McFoys                            
Came ashore on the prowl for new joys.                      
It was well understood                                      
They esteemed womanhood--                                   
So they struck out in search of small boys.                 
                                                            
31290 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   G1002



Bill's in charge and the gays have new hope;                
They can serve and Marines better cope.                     
So morale's going to slip.                                  
Better take this free tip:                                  
In the shower don't dare drop the soap.                     
                                                            
31291 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a Captain of MAG 94,                              
More easily had than a two-bit whore.                       
He wanted to drink,                                         
And fondle your dink,                                       
But he's not around any more.                               
                                                            
31292 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   L0496



With a Commander in Chief who is weak,                      
Who suffers a broad yellow streak,                          
Good soldiers are nervous,                                  
With queers in the service,                                 
That their bunk mate's a sexual freak.                      
                                                            
31293 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Jim Weaver Collection    



"We gay boys can make Christmas merry!"                     
Said a handsome young faggot named Terry.                   
"We spend Christmas day                                     
Being ever so gay                                           
With the sailors we met on the ferry."                      
                                                            
31294 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               CyberCelt           T9712



One test in the army detection                              
Of queers: Does he get an erection                          
When the company hunks                                      
Stand nude by their bunks                                   
For the regular short arm inspection?                       
                                                            
31295 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               A. N. Wilkins       P8901



When the war came they all went unwilling,                  
And they loathed the routine and the drilling,.             
But despite many doubts                                     
In fighting the Krauts,                                     
Some of them did their part in the killing.                 
                                                            
31296 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               A. N. Wilkins       P9111



Said a sergeant, obviously queer,                           
"Men, you really have nothing to fear.                      
When attacking the tanks,                                   
Watch out for your flanks,                                  
And I'll take good care of your rear."                      
                                                            
31297 HOMOS - SOLDIERS               Tom Patton          P9605



An apple-cheeked soldier, a runt,                           
Was welcomed by men at the front.                           
This God's gift to he-men                                   
Prevented spilled semen,                                    
For his ass was tatooed like a cunt.                        
                                                            
31298 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   L0509



There was a young fairy named Lessing                       
Whose fastidiousness was distressing.                       
He met many a lad                                           
Who could have been had,                                    
But found their prepuces unprepossessing.                   
                                                            
31299 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   G0997



There was a young colonel from Trent,                       
Who lived in a lavender tent.                               
He said that some sessions                                  
With interesting Hessians                                   
Had taught him what war really meant.                       
                                                            
31300 HOMOS - SOLDIERS                                   L0520



I hear that your cock is tremendous,                        
In fact it is really horrendous.                            
If you don't mind a queer,                                  
You can put it right here,                                  
As long as you promise to mend us!                          
                                                            
31301 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Cyberhog            T9710



Colostomy victims, they say,                                
Pose problems for friends who are gay;                      
For they now must decide                                    
Is it bottom or side,                                       
The preferred pederastic type lay.                          
                                                            
31302 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Jim Weaver Collection    



When a young boy turns into a whore,                        
He should take lot of cold cream and pour                   
In some sweet sassafras,                                    
Rub the stuff up his ass,                                   
And in ain't necessarily sore.                              
                                                            
31303 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                  G2553



There once was a tenor named Boris                          
Who sang in the local gay chorus.                           
If they needed soprano,                                     
He bent over the piano                                      
And was corn holed by Leo the Taurus.                       
                                                            
31304 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                       



Some say it's the price of their toys;                      
Or dignity, courage, and poise;                             
But in gay bars in Frisco,                                  
Takes crowbars and Crisco,                                  
To separate men from the boys.                              
                                                            
31305 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Dick Potts          P8511



A young man we know as Dewitt,                              
Had a job inspecting used shit.                             
Saying "I know a way,                                       
To tell if shit's gay;                                      
By the dent on the back end of it!"                         
                                                            
31306 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Oddo Von Schlong    T9711



There was a young lad from San 'Frisco,                     
Who picked up a man in a disco.                             
When home in bed,                                           
In wonder, he said,                                         
"You want to do WHAT with that Crisco?"                     
                                                            
31307 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Van                      



There once was a man from Oahu,                             
Whom everyone knew was a mahu.                              
He tried to pass gas                                        
With a dick up his ass,                                     
And blew the guy's nuts to Waipahu.                         
(mahu - queer)                                              
31308 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              VOL 5                    



French towel boys, horny and hung,                          
Have reason for praise to be sung.                          
While Gerard's strong fingers                               
Work your humdinger,                                        
Phillipe goes behind with his tongue!                       
                                                            
31309 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                       



There once was a man named Chuck                            
Whose cock had never been fucked.                           
His friends called him tiny,                                
And fudge-packed his heiny,                                 
And came in his mouth when he sucked!                       
                                                            
31310 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Jim Weaver Collection    



We gay boys can make Christmas merry!                       
We'll suck your banana and berries.                         
We'll share our cheese log,                                 
And creamy egg nog,                                         
And might even give you our cherries.                       
                                                            
31311 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Steve               T9712



There was a turd-burglar from France                        
Who listed his every romance.                               
A jealous beau snooped,                                     
Then bit till he pooped,                                    
And now there's a list in his stance.                       
                                                            
31312 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                       



There once was a homo named Nick,                           
Who usually thought about dick;                             
Stuck a thumb up his ass,                                   
While smoking some grass.                                   
Isn't it true that he's sick?                               
                                                            
31313 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Four fairies once met in the street,                        
And arranged an exceptional treat:                          
Soixante-neuf was impractical,                              
So the only thing tactical                                  
Was something like cent-trente-huit.                        
(I assume this is 2 x 69 = 138 - McW)                       
31314 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                  G0911



There was an old fellow named Boze,                         
Who fucked a young kid in the nose.                         
Sex needs, he admits,                                       
As choice of two slits:                                     
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose!                   
                                                            
31315 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                  G0534



A fellow from Texas, called Tex,                            
Delighted in explaining sex.                                
Said he, "If you join                                       
An ass and a groin,                                         
You get an estatic reflex."                                 
                                                            
31316 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Do you like encounters luxurious?                           
Do men leave you heartbroke and furious?                    
I'll bring the chablis                                      
For just you and me;                                        
You need not be bi, gay, just curious.                      
                                                            
31317 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              KJ                       



And Chris did pucker his lips,                              
And thrust his hands on his hips.                           
But to his dismay,                                          
Everyone ran away,                                          
Saying he needed some tips.                                 
                                                            
31318 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Jim Weaver Collection    



An old German fairy named Heinz                             
Sought lovers from Hamburg to Mainz;                        
Being well off materially                                   
And wanting them serially,                                  
He grab them zwei, drei, never eins.                        
                                                            
31319 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Armand E Singer       567



Jack used to take Ken to the shore,                         
And treat his cute butt like a whore.                       
When screwing he'd shout,                                   
If his dick would fall out,                                 
"Toto, I'm not in Ken's ass anymore."                       
                                                            
31320 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              John Chastaine      T9710



There once was a Malibu peasant,                            
Who thought gerbil-stuffing was pleasant.                   
When stuffed up his rectum,                                 
They were bound to infect him,                              
And his buttocks became incandescent.                       
                                                            
31321 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Ken Kaufman              



In a gay bar outside Liverpool                              
A waiter with great ridicule,                               
Asked a guest that he greeted                               
And just being seated,                                      
To allow him to push in his stool.                          
                                                            
31322 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Bob Giandomenico    P9211



Said the gay guy, "You mean what you say?                   
If I lose weight you might let me stay?                     
That bears out, and I'm glad,                               
What I heard as a lad,                                      
'If you're thin, you could just blow away.'"                
                                                            
31323 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Theo Heller         P9504



A homophobe living in Lutz,                                 
Thought all fags were certified nuts.                       
In the queer catechism,                                     
They drink all their gism,                                  
Or pound up their butts with their putz.                    
                                                            
31324 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                       



Said a chap with a humorous grin,                           
"I don't care if it's reckoned a sin.                       
When I see men together                                     
Who are birds of a feather,                                 
I do feel an urge to butt in."                              
                                                            
31325 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Bill Backe-Hansen   P9305



My vibrator's battery's dying!                              
If I said "So what?"...I'd be lying.                        
Although I am gay                                           
And can't use it that way,                                  
You can't blame a poor boy for trying.                      
                                                            
31326 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE              Poet Lariat         T9707



There was an old fellow named Walt                          
Who used to take Eno's Fruit Salt.                          
With a fellow named James,                                  
He played Oscar Wilde games,                                
And often would win by default.                             
                                                            
31327 HOMOS - TECHNIQUE                                  G1077



There once was a girl named Laura,                          
Who was a big fucking whore-a.                              
She loved chicks and guys,                                  
And hard dicks 'twixt her thighs,                           
But for me, she went down on all four-a.                    
                                                            
31328 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Asset Forfeiture has a warped facet,                        
Which can, down at the precinct, quite crass get.           
When the fuzz pinched a whore,                              
They gang-banged her and swore,                             
"We are legally seizing your ASSet."                        
                                                            
31329 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Don Moore           P0800



A tired old tart, named of Corrigan,                        
Told the madam: "I'd sure like to whore again.              
If you'll give me a bed,                                    
I'll whore 'till I'm dead,                                  
But not on the bare, wet, cold floor again!"                
                                                            
31330 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                   G1763



There once was a guy from Great Britain,                    
Whose pecker had got fucking bitten,                        
Because the one day                                         
He refused to pay,                                          
And the hooker bit what she was lickin'.                    
                                                            
31331 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Ryan                     



There was an old whore from Vancouver,                      
Whose vagina could pass for a Hoover.                       
The old sixty-niner                                         
Could give you a shiner                                     
With cling-ons hanging from her pooper!                     
                                                            
31332 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Canadian Joe             



I once knew a harlot named Lou                              
And a versatile girl she was too.                           
After ten years of whoredom                                 
She perished of boredom                                     
When she married a jackass like you!                        
                                                            
31333 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Hugh De Witt             



A dwarf on vacation in Crete                                
Said, "I am terribly anxious to meet                        
A young lady of leisure,                                    
Who'd allow me to pleasure                                  
The hairs on her twat with my feet."                        
                                                            
31334 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Anon                     



"I have found," said a hooker named Hickel,                 
"That Chinese johns are kinky and fickle.                   
They screw me...then beat me...                             
And hungily eat me.                                         
And the worst is those chopsticks sure tickle.              
                                                            
31335 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Anon                     



Said Lil in a love shop in Ayers,                           
"I gotta lay off for repairs.                               
Hell no, it ain't sex                                       
That makes us babes wrecks...                               
It's climbing that long flight of stairs!"                  
                                                            
31336 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grand Prix Lim  930      



The best way for training a whore                           
To keep doing her sexual chore,                             
Is to make her remember                                     
With two kinds of good timber:                              
A big cock or a damn two-by-four!                           
                                                            
31337 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



A hooker who had steady beaux,                              
Told of a transient she knows.                              
She said as she frowned,                                    
"He won't hang around.                                      
That bastard just comes and goes."                          
                                                            
31338 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



A whore who had not used discretion,                        
To the doctor explained her depression.                     
Her complaints, she did mention,                            
Were arising from tension,                                  
But to him, it looked more like compression.                
                                                            
31339 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2020



A repulsive old floozie of Gander                           
Had boasted that no man could brand her.                    
She was ravaged by Blanding,                                
An old cowboy at branding;                                  
She convulsed, but he managed to stand her.                 
                                                            
31340 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2879



There was once a blonde, a clam lapper;                     
Professional by night, a real slapper.                      
She'd developed cunt blisters,                              
From tonguing "the sisters".                                
Now she takes cock up the crapper.                          
                                                            
31341 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



The woman lay dead on the floor.                            
Who cares?  She was merely a whore.                         
That's tough, I'm afraid;                                   
To ply the rough trade                                      
Brings risks, which she chose to ignore.                    
                                                            
31342 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Tiddy Ogg                



A man would not pay his new whore.                          
She's mad, and decided, what's more,                        
That defenestration                                         
Is as good as castration,                                   
Especially from the tenth floor!                            
                                                            
31343 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



A thoughtful old fellow named Keaton                        
Observed that his whore was moth-eaten.                     
But this man was sagacious                                  
And he found it more gracious                               
To depart from the path that was beaten.                    
                                                            
31344 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0929



There once was a whore from The Hague,                      
(The record is really quite vague).                         
In 1283                                                     
She contracted VD;                                          
The next year she died of the plague.                       
                                                            
31345 HOOKERS - ABUSED               George Maschke           



An addicted old harlot was Lizzie;                          
Day and night at her work she was busy.                     
So much time on her back                                    
Was spent vending her crack,                                
That whenever she stood she felt dizzy.                     
                                                            
31346 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin            



Said the sophomore attending Purdue,                        
To the hooker he started to screw,                          
"This is a quirk:                                           
Since I do all the work,                                    
Why the Hell do I have to pay you?"                         
                                                            
31347 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



The picketing of whores cause some tension.                 
I am sure it was not their intention                        
To spoil all the fun,                                       
Or harm anyone                                              
At the the 'Do It Yourself' Men's Convention.               
                                                            
31348 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Al Willis                



This husband and father, praise God,                        
Will continue this nice promenade.                          
But if later, perhaps,                                      
He returns to relapse                                       
With this harlot, who'll blame the old sod?                 
                                                            
31349 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Gents Alphabet Book P9504



Said the whore whom they called Geraldine,                  
"When I think of the pricks that I've seen,                 
And all of the nuts                                         
And the assholes and butts,                                 
And the bastards like you in between."                      
                                                            
31350 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                   L1017



There was a young lady of Rheims                            
Who tried twenty freshmen in teams.                         
She held up in the wash                                     
For just nine teams of frosh,                               
But she then fell apart at the seams.                       
                                                            
31351 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin            



Whenever the weather is chilly,                             
It's fun to do things that are silly;                       
Like lay by the fire                                        
With whores that I hire,                                    
And watch them fight over my willy.                         
                                                            
31352 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



When a hardened old rake felt the twinge,                   
He'd go barreling off on a binge.                           
His bawdy-house feats,                                      
Involving girls' seats,                                     
Made the hardiest filles-de-joie cringe.                    
                                                            
31353 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Isaac Asimov             



A used up old whore named Whippler,                         
A notorious cheap liquor tippler,                           
While astride an old stump                                  
Taking a dump,                                              
Gave birth to the poet Mind Crippler!                       
                                                            
31354 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Jim Weaver Collection    



While screwing a harlot named Bunny,                        
A lad told bad jokes he thought funny.                      
But the whore had some pride                                
For she threw him outside,                                  
And she cursed him and gave back his money.                 
                                                            
31355 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1461



A harlot who worked at Bernice's                            
Collected her things in valises.                            
Said old madam Bernice,                                     
"Won't you stay for a piece?"                               
She said, "No, I am going to pieces."                       
                                                            
31356 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1443



There once was a nasty old ho,                              
Who opened up a bakery sto,                                 
You might not find it funny,                                
But she saved lots of money,                                
'Cause she had her own yeast for the dough.                 
                                                            
31357 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



There was an old harlot namaed Heather                      
Whose pussy was tougher than leather.                       
She would peddle her meat                                   
On the neighborhood street,                                 
And was handy in all kinds of weather.                      
                                                            
31358 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1547



Irascible Vicar McGits                                      
Was known for the terrible fits,                            
He threw in his study                                       
Over carpet left muddy,                                     
By whores who had sold him their clits.                     
                                                            
31359 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



A novice young fellow named Gorceau,                        
Got up from his whore and he swore so,                      
For his screw he did botch,                                 
When he blew on her crotch,                                 
As he fondled the prostitute's torso.                       
                                                            
31360 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Al Chaplin          P0304



A woman who was quaintly called fallen,                     
On a Russian big-shot went a-callin'.                       
She took all his root,                                      
But the brute wouldn't shoot--                              
Was she mad when she found he was stallin'!  (Stalin?)      
                                                            
31361 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                   G1782



An old Lebanese harlot devout,                              
In her Tel Aviv house had some doubt.                       
She would turn away daily                                   
All clients Israeli,                                        
For the bastards would never pull out.                      
                                                            
31362 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin            



This one-eyed old harlot named Kim,                         
The philosopher screwed with such vim,                      
That he said, "I'll be back                                 
When I get some more jack."                                 
So she kept an eye out just for him.                        
                                                            
31363 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0714



Asked a raunchy old Baghdad tart                            
While allowing her black sheet to part,                     
"Would you like to pretend                                  
It's a camel's rear end?                                    
In Iraq, it's the state of the art."                        
                                                            
31364 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Martin Wellborn     P9106



A yellow-haired prostitute, Cassie,                         
Was known far and wide for her chassis,                     
But when she got rich,                                      
Some called her a bitch --                                  
A term better suited to Lassie.                             
                                                            
31365 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Norm Storer         P9911



An old politician with guile                                
Disarmed whores with his cocksucking smile.                 
Though he lowered their fee                                 
With his artful esprit,                                     
Yet they would not agree to his style.                      
                                                            
31366 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin            



There's an unhappy whore from Tobago,                       
Who is cursed with real painful lumbago;                    
Even flat on her back,                                      
Just to open her crack,                                     
Makes her scream like a cornered virago.                    
                                                            
31367 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Armand E Singer       874



Down at the 'Saddle and Stirrup'                            
There's a bawd with a voice like sweet syrup.               
She's ugly and crude                                        
But still she gets screwed --                               
She's the one girl who's made Wyatt earp.                   
                                                            
31368 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arthur Deex         P8412



Young Melanie, a sexy cute lass,                            
Has a truly magnificent ass.                                
It is just as you think,                                    
One part brown, two parts pink;                             
Which when used like a pussy, earns brass.                  
                                                            
31369 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Confused                 



There was an old lady with gout                             
Whose balance of cash was in doubt.                         
She resorted to whoring                                     
When the prices were soaring,                               
But a malpractice suit forced her out.                      
                                                            
31370 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1534



To his girl said a young man from Maine,                    
"Once more I will try to explain                            
That the birds and the bees                                 
Simply never charge fees,                                   
And if you do, I'll have to abstain."                       
                                                            
31371 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Isaac Asimov             



This New Year's first day...it is snowing,                  
The soft flakes are falling and blowing!                    
My whores will be waking                                    
And soon they'll be quaking,                                
'Cause my big old cock is sure growing!                     
                                                            
31372 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



What a pathetic young whore;                                
She thinks she's the flavor du jour.                        
You should masturbate                                       
And save on that rate.                                      
Forget about going back door!                               
                                                            
31373 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arden                    



An old hooker with whom I was dealing                       
Assured me her bod was appealing.                           
So appealed off her dress,                                  
But she failed to impress,                                  
And she left me with no hard feeling.                       
                                                            
31374 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



A haggard old harlot named Keating                          
Encountered in life such a beating,                         
She was buggered and worn                                   
And her asshole was torn,                                   
And her pussy was not fit for eating.                       
                                                            
31375 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0498



Two things in this life are the pits:                       
The first is not havin' no grits;                           
The second is this,                                         
Which robs me of bliss,                                     
'Tis screwin' a whore with no tits!                         
                                                            
31376 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



Got a whore at the beach today;                             
We went under the pier just to lay.                         
All that thrashing around                                   
Had sanded her down;                                        
There was nobody left to pay!                               
                                                            
31377 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Jim Weaver Collection    



As he carried his bride in to bed,                          
She tossed off her nightie and said,                        
"This'll be the first time                                  
I won't get a damn dime..."                                 
And that knocked the romance in the head.                   
                                                            
31378 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grand Prix Lim  658      



An American hooker, though willing,                         
In London could not make a killing.                         
She worked hard and long                                    
But would always go wrong,                                  
For she gave ten bucks change for a shilling.               
                                                            
31379 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Isaac Asimov             



A noted old chemist named Bayer,                            
Was lauded at lunch by the mayor.                           
They all asked to be shown                                  
How to make a hormone;                                      
He replied, he'd neglected to pay her.                      
                                                            
31380 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1945



A whore on St. Catherine Street                             
Her client rebuked in some heat:                            
"Kindly pay what it's for."                                 
She said to him, "or                                        
Round my bush you may no longer beat."                      
                                                            
31381 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Hugh Oliver           48a



After pumping and humping, said Moe:                        
"It was worth every cent of my dough...                     
Here, my dear, is the cent...                               
My intent is well-meant                                     
For the $9.99 I still owe.                                  
                                                            
31382 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grand Prix Lim  486      



Old Ambrose, he went to the doc,                            
Complaining of pains in his cock.                           
"A Chink whore I laid,                                      
She didn't get paid,                                        
So gave me a clout with her wok."                           
                                                            
31383 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



There was a young fellow of Oregon                          
Who said, "The conclusion is foregone!                      
If you will not agree                                       
To a prostitute's fee,                                      
You will soon have to ask, "Where's the whore gone?"        
                                                            
31384 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Isaac Asimov             



In the Wisconsin town of West Bend,                         
A man met a whore at the end                                
Of a lane, for a blow,                                      
And one block below,                                        
Met another, but fancied her end.                           
                                                            
31385 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grizz                    



There was an old hooker of Hartford                         
With panties constructed of cardboard.                      
Half the fellows who pay                                    
Can't push through for a lay;                               
The result is she's only been part-whored.                  
                                                            
31386 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Isaac Asimov             



There was an old whore of Algiers,                          
Who found the whole lodge in arrears.                       
So she threatened to sue,                                   
For the payments past due,                                  
Or she'd cut off their peckers with shears.                 
                                                            
31387 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1750



A foul-talking gal named Linda                              
Insulted a Japanese ninja.                                  
The Jap mopped the floor                                    
With this dirty-mouthed whore,                              
Then threw her ass out of the winda!                        
                                                            
31388 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was found in an old English Town,                     
A whore who was big, fat and round.                         
Men paid to abuse her,                                      
To fuck her and use her--                                   
For in England, they pay by the pound!                      
                                                            
31389 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Ashrad Risvi             



A fellow, no gentleman he,                                  
Tried to chisel a piece of hers free.                       
Said he, "Listen Honey,                                     
It's VICE, done for money,                                  
How about a piece free just for me?"                        
                                                            
31390 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grand Prix Lim  536      



Vi claims she was ruined by Hector,                         
Who pecked her so soundly he wrecked her.                   
Vi's now feeling glum                                       
But still peddles it some,                                  
Though today she's quite loose in that sector.              
                                                            
31391 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grand Prix Lim  405      



There once was a fellow from Maine                          
Who cried like a baby in pain                               
On the prostitute's cot.                                    
Perform he could not;                                       
There goes eighty five bucks down the drain.                
                                                            
31392 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



She found the experience draining;                          
Her sympathy, he wasn't gaining.                            
"You're a pain in the neck.                                 
You might want a rain check,                                
But as you can see, it's not raining."                      
                                                            
31393 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



A madam of no mean ability,                                 
Developed a fine new facility,                              
For outcasts discarded,                                     
The mental retarded,                                        
And those in the prime of senility.                         
                                                            
31394 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1425



The whore from the parish St. Giles                         
Retired amidst plaudits and smiles.                         
When she figured each poke                                  
At three inches per stroke,                                 
Her cunt had gone ten thousand miles.                       
                                                            
31395 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2276



In the forest a woodsman named Lee                          
Was fucking a whore 'gainst a tree.                         
He went right through the bought hole,                      
And he fucked up a knothole,                                
So the lumber mill charged him the fee.                     
                                                            
31396 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0722



For automobile we say car,                                  
For pugilists' bouts we say spar;                           
So next time we greet                                       
Some harlot we meet,                                        
A brief 'hello' would be, "Hey, har!"                       
                                                            
31397 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



A seasoned old hooker named Mary,                           
Had sex with a male dromedary,                              
When paid by some clients,                                  
Who call their act "science".                               
Who cares if it pecuniary.                                  
                                                            
31398 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Win                      



Sought a youth from Oak Ridge, Tennessee,                   
A professional girl for a spree;                            
But he hadn't a cent.                                       
Nothing daunted, he went                                    
And seduced her one night she was free.                     
                                                            
31399 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Keith MacMillan     A110B



A remorseless young fellow was Dunn;                        
He would fuck with a whore or a nun.                        
He received from one whore                                  
Twenty scruples or more,                                    
For everyone knew he had none.                              
                                                            
31400 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Al Chaplin          P0304



For a buck a young fellow in Dover                          
Screwed a floozy one day in the clover.                     
Then he called her real stupid --                           
She said, "Do you mean Cupid?                               
That's my sister who is really bent over."                  
                                                            
31401 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Phil Cannibal       P9003



There was once an excessively poor                          
Mademoiselle from the Bay of Chaleur                        
Who had never been won,                                     
Till some guy turned her on                                 
And she's now just a lecherous whore.                       
                                                            
31402 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Keith MacMillan       32a



I thought that old ladies might stare,                      
At you, with bare ass in the air,                           
And might call the cops,                                    
Whereon the fun stops;                                      
The whores still demanding their fare.                      
                                                            
31403 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



A cheeseparing skinflint from Graham   (stingy)             
Had rogered two whores but won't pay 'em.                   
So they took him in hand,                                   
Nearly murdered him and,                                    
As the judge said, "...commited sweet mayhem."              
                                                            
31404 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Hugh Oliver         A089B



A horny old captain named Banker                            
Hung a whore by her ass, on the anchor.                     
There he gave her a screw;                                  
And likewise the crew;                                      
So they wrote her a letter to thank her.                    
                                                            
31405 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2852



A footsore young hustler named Russel                       
Said, "Street walking after love muscle                     
Is sheer hell on your feet...                               
After ten miles I'm beat,                                   
And flat ready for bed, and a tussle."                      
                                                            
31406 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grand Prix Lim  931      



An innocent hooker named Agnes                              
Was reduced to mere tatters and ragness,                    
Because the poor sweet                                      
Kept on working a street                                    
That was laden with queers and with fagness.                
                                                            
31407 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Isaac Asimov             



The cruise ship was sunk by a foe;                          
A woman was stranded below.                                 
An overweight hooker,                                       
In their life boat they took her                            
She was really a tough 'ho to row.                          
                                                            
31408 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0201



Old Simon found a girl at the mall;                         
"I'll pay twenty five for a ball".                          
So after he laid her,                                       
A quarter he paid her;                                      
Simon wasn't so simple after all.                           
                                                            
31409 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



A harlot in Charlotte named Lee                             
Said, "The Law pains the rear end of me.                    
Damn the dumb cops who meddle                               
With the part that I peddle,                                
For they come on days off for tail FREE!"                   
                                                            
31410 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Grand Prix Lim  530      



A horny young fellow named Fitch                            
Engaged an old whore for his itch.                          
But he blew on the floor                                    
As he felt for her bore,                                    
So said, "Give me my cash back, you bitch!"                 
                                                            
31411 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Albin Chaplin   3024-2045



There was a young fellow named Art                          
Who got into bed with a tart.                               
He worked his small staff                                   
For an hour and a half,                                     
Then she yawned and said, "When do we start?"               
                                                            
31412 HOOKERS - ABUSED               Isaac Asimov             



"I have found", said a hooker named Hickel,                 
"That Chinese Johns are kinky and fickle.                   
They screw me, then beat me,                                
And hungily eat me;                                         
And the worst is those chopsticks sure tickle."             
                                                            
31413 HOOKERS - ABUSED                                        



Private Smith said "I can score ya...                       
The world's very best whore, yeah.                          
She missing an eye;                                         
Give her socket a try.                                      
She said she'd keep an eye out for ya."                     
                                                            
31414 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES                               



"It'll cost you to take her to bed                          
And it's really not fellatio." Smith said.                  
"Nevertheless                                               
It is the worlds best                                       
Ball draining, skull fucking, head."                        
                                                            
31415 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES                               



Yo Mr. Perry, I did give a try.                             
You are right, which I can not deny.                        
But as for my cash,                                         
I kept it well stashed,                                     
Or t'would be gone "in" the blink of an eye.                
                                                            
31416 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES                               



The young lad was out on a spree;                           
Said, "Far better for you than for me,                      
With the aging old whore,                                   
Who's part of the lore.                                     
I really don't care if it's free."                          
                                                            
31417 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"Into the breech once more,"                                
Cried the old and the aging old whore.                      
I know it's been used                                       
And somewhat abused,                                        
But it's part of the local lore.                            
                                                            
31418 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



The cop on the beat you see,                                
In an alley had stopped for a pee.                          
He spotted the whore                                        
Who's part of the lore,                                     
And boffed her right there, for free.                       
                                                            
31419 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



And now a week later, you see,                              
He says that it hurts him to pee.                           
"I'll not go to the alley                                   
With Mary or Sally.                                         
From now on, a beat cop I'll be."                           
                                                            
31420 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



In Dublin's Fair City I saw                                 
The original Limerick Whore;                                
She looked tired and forlorn,                               
Shagged to pieces and worn                                  
To a frazzle, bow-legged and sore.                          
                                                            
31421 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



I said to her, "Cheer up, my dear",                         
But she muttered, "I blame Edward Lear;                     
For I'll never have peace                                   
Until these limericks cease."                               
So I shagged her and wished her good cheer.                 
                                                            
31422 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



If you go to the old Cote d'Azure,                          
You'll see on the beach, I am sure,                         
An old tart named Louise,                                   
Who's got every disease                                     
Known to man, and some three or four more.                  
                                                            
31423 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



That woman has problems galore,                             
Those you mention, and many more.                           
I know her quite well;                                      
She's really quite swell.                                   
I think she was wife number four.                           
                                                            
31424 HOOKERS - ABUSED - SERIES      Puff Adder               



They called her Rose Ormesby-Gore,                          
An elderly, better-type whore.                              
In clothes soiled and mucky                                 
She'd call old men "Ducky"                                  
Yet wince when the working class swore.                     
                                                            
31425 HOOKERS - AGED                                     G1846



She paraded a pitch near the Strand,                        
Where she took it in mouth, vag', or hand.                  
And for a small extra sum                                   
One could finger the bum                                    
Of that elderly Rose Ormesby-Gore                           
                                                            
31426 HOOKERS - AGED                                     G1847



There was an old harlot of Peking,                          
Uncouth in a manner of speaking.                            
This sordid old bitch                                       
Had been rolled in a ditch,                                 
But she blushed when a man saw her leaking.                 
                                                            
31427 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2224



There was an ugly old whore,                                
Who worked in a dirty book store.                           
When the boys watched the flicks,                           
She fondled their dicks,                                    
And sucked them right off the floor. (beside the hard core.)
                                                            
31428 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



Complained an old harlot named Wertz:                       
"My busines of late badly hurts.                            
At times it is slow --                                      
Men come and they go --                                     
And sometimes they come in big spurts.                      
                                                            
31429 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1693



There was an old whore of Berlin,                           
As rare as an old violin,                                   
But not a bit sloppy;                                       
It's her fine carbon copy                                   
Of the thing called Original Sin.                           
                                                            
31430 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1442



An expansive old harlot named Knapp                         
Had a snatch that she used to entrap                        
Pioneers heading West,                                      
And it wasn't in jest                                       
She was known as the Cumberland Gap.                        
                                                            
31431 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



A elderly harlot of Twitting                                
Received an award upon quitting:                            
An elephant's cock                                          
Well-preserved in a crock--                                 
All agreed the award was most fitting.                      
                                                            
31432 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G1880



"No, Grandma, you can't whore while you're here,            
Like you did on your visit last year.                       
It's too hard to explain                                    
When the neighbors complain,                                
And the fine for streetwalking's severe."                   
                                                            
31433 HOOKERS - AGED                 Grand Prix Lim  813 G1803



A whore grown too old to get laid,                          
Turned parfumeuse, finding it paid                          
To concoct Fleur de Floozie                                 
From the juice of her coosie,                               
(Substantial discount to the trade).                        
                                                            
31434 HOOKERS - AGED                                     L1460



Said a well-preserved harlot named Gwen,                    
"I have chalked up my three score and ten.                  
I can't ask for much more,                                  
But I'm going for four,                                     
And maybe I'll stop scoring then."                          
                                                            
31435 HOOKERS - AGED                 John Ciardi              



An old harlot had given up hope                             
For with stress she no longer could cope.                   
But the church gave redemption                              
And a fucking exemption                                     
For donating free ass to the pope.                          
                                                            
31436 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin            



Says a Sun City hooker named Byrne:                         
"Since at times even aging guys yearn                       
For professional tail,                                      
Which I offer for sale,                                     
Geria-tricks are those that I turn."                        
                                                            
31437 HOOKERS - AGED                 Jim O'Conner        P8509



"Competition is keen, you'll agree,"                        
Said an ancient old hooker named Dee.                       
So she dyed her gray tresses,                               
Chopped a foot off her dresses,                             
And her reason you plainly can see.                         
                                                            
31438 HOOKERS - AGED                                     L0803



A tearful old tart of Durango                               
Bewailed as she saw her last man go:                        
"Well, it looks like I'm through--                          
That's my last living screw--                               
And there's nothing can beat a bed tango!"                  
                                                            
31439 HOOKERS - AGED                                     G1779



A battered old harlot named Greer                           
Decided to quit her career.                                 
From a fuck she arose,                                      
With her hand at her nose,                                  
"I have had it," she said, "up to here."                    
                                                            
31440 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1536



Old Joe on the telephone said                               
To a tart, "Will you take me to bed                         
And allow me to poke                                        
You just once 'fore I croak,                                
Or at least let me feel you instead."                       
                                                            
31441 HOOKERS - AGED                 Peter                    



"Okay," said the tart with a heart,                         
I'll be round in a minute;  You start.                      
I charge about one                                          
Hundred dollars for fun                                     
Every hour my legs are apart."                              
                                                            
31442 HOOKERS - AGED                 Peter                    



"Oh thank you," said Joe, put the phone                     
Down and went up to to bed on his own,                      
Where he fiddled about                                      
With his shriveled-up spout                                 
And he prayed for a regular bone.                           
                                                            
31443 HOOKERS - AGED                 Peter                    



But his bed was all riddled with rust,                      
Unaccustomed to movements of lust.                          
As he fiddled away                                          
All the bedsprings gave way,                                
And collapsed; they crumbled to dust.                       
                                                            
31444 HOOKERS - AGED                 Peter                    



Old Joe landed down on the floor,                           
But the floorboards gave way by the score.                  
He fell to the ground                                       
Just in time for the sound                                  
Of a tentative knock at the door.                           
                                                            
31445 HOOKERS - AGED                 Peter                    



"Come in," he said, clutching his poor                      
Battered thing, then fell dead on the floor.                
'Twas the shock of his life,                                
For the tart was his wife                                   
He divorced in the Second World War.                        
                                                            
31446 HOOKERS - AGED                 Peter                    



There was an old harlot named Shutes,                       
Wo said to G.I.'s, "Don't be brutes.                        
You are welcome around                                      
To your old stomping ground,                                
But please take off those hobnailed boots.                  
                                                            
31447 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1660



A lonely old salesman named Gore,                           
Met a pimp as he walked on the shore.                       
"I am homesick," he said,                                   
"Send a girl to my bed --                                   
A decrepit irascible whore."                                
                                                            
31448 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2972



An old mathematician named Hearst                           
Picked a harlot to fuck with -- the worst.                  
By a quick calculation,                                     
He deduced this relation,                                   
Was a function of age and of thirst.                        
                                                            
31449 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1545



The whore that was picked up by Hearst,                     
Looked so badly worn that he cursed.                        
So he asked her how long                                    
She'd been taking the dong.                                 
"I've just started," she said, "you're the first!"          
                                                            
31450 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1546



Said an elderly whore named Arlene,                         
"I prefer a young lad of eighteen.                          
There's more cream in his larder,                           
And his pecker gets harder,                                 
And he fucks in a manner obscene."                          
                                                            
31451 HOOKERS - AGED                                     L0994



A careless young fellow named Dreyoss,                      
Had screwed an old harlot in Laos.                          
There he left such a mess                                   
That she cried in distress,                                 
"Tell me who will take care of this chaos?"                 
                                                            
31452 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1500



Observed an old hooker named Red,                           
Who's spent her whole lifetime in bed,                      
"Though it's hard on your back,                             
Living's cheap in the sack --                               
On points, I suppose I'm ahead."                            
                                                            
31453 HOOKERS - AGED                 Armand E Singer       823



There was a young lady of Kent,                             
Who ended up wrinkled and bent,                             
From renting her hairy                                      
For prices quite scary,                                     
But banked a lot more than the rent.                        
                                                            
31454 HOOKERS - AGED                 Milkmaid                 



My squad leader was aghast to know                          
That I had paid cash to a ho.                               
"Choose mama-san" he said,                                  
She's the best in bed;                                      
She lacks teeth, but gives the best fellatio.               
                                                            
31455 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



She's still in that business, I think. Off                  
Hand, second best is her "blink-off".                       
With her heavy eyelashes,                                   
What's well worth the cash is                               
Her twenty-buck, half-an-hour winkoff.                      
                                                            
31456 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



Ms Gertrude A Pippin, age 80,                               
Is turning to dust in a shady                               
Old Dixieland graveyard;                                    
She was a kind, brave bard                                  
Who died while at Maude's like a lady.                      
                                                            
31457 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



A sordid old slut from Lahore                               
Would fuck till her asshole was sore.                       
He cunt was more hairy                                      
Than the sweet Virgin Mary,                                 
And she never got pregnant, what's more!                    
                                                            
31458 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G1819



An age-old marauder had met                                 
A formerly well-known coquette                              
And suggested a fling.                                      
But it wasn't the thing;                                    
She promptly had told him, "No sweat."                      
                                                            
31459 HOOKERS - AGED                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P9207



Said a maudlin old madam of Mears:                          
"I've peddled hot cunt fifty years,                         
And I'm sure, by now men                                    
Never run out of yen--                                      
If they can't find a whore, they prod queers."              
                                                            
31460 HOOKERS - AGED                                     G1836



Though scented with perfume of jasmine,                     
No takers has old raddled Tasmin.                           
She gives men the eye;                                      
They all pass her by,                                       
'Cause jasmine drenched Tasmin's, a has-bin.                
                                                            
31461 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



Remember old Hortense the hooker?                           
She was never a Number-One looker,                          
But based her career                                        
On the size of her rear                                     
(Until someone else overtook her).                          
                                                            
31462 HOOKERS - AGED                 Norm Storer         P9911



There was an old harlot from Perth,                         
Who claimed to be finest on Earth.                          
Each and every old sporter                                  
Could have her for a quarter,                               
And that was about all it was worth.                        
                                                            
31463 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin            



In the church an old trollop named Kay                      
Knelt her down in a reverent way.                           
Said the preacher with gravity,                             
"You are saved from depravity."                             
But she said, "It's for piece that I pray."                 
                                                            
31464 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1557



There once was a skanky old whore,                          
Whose best years were pre-civil war.                        
Her cunt it ran dry,                                        
'Bout Nineteen o' five;                                     
Now hand jobs are even a chore.                             
                                                            
31465 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



Well, Hello there Gwen, you old scrubber;                   
I say you've got fat; is that blubber?                      
You charge lower fees                                       
For your regulars? Please;                                  
I'd not screw you with even a rubber.                       
                                                            
31466 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



You've done all the rounds for how long?                    
Forty years? And you've had every dong                      
And you're still up for hire?                               
You deserve to retire,                                      
And for services rendered, a gong.                          
                                                            
31467 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



The harlots who worked for Miss Luntz,                      
No longer could do any stunts,                              
So they spent their last years                              
In the bars, drinking beers,                                
And comparing the size of their cunts.                      
                                                            
31468 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0525



On a small Spanish farm with a hoer,                        
She begins her career as a whore.                           
For decades the seamen                                      
In Cadiz spurt their semen                                  
While screwing her till she grows hoar.                     
                                                            
31469 HOOKERS - AGED                 A. N. Wilkins       P9112



For decades I've surely adored                              
The way Widow Crawley has whored                            
Her cunt for a fuck!                                        
If she was a truck,                                         
By God, she'd, of course, be a Ford!                        
                                                            
31470 HOOKERS - AGED                 Travis Brasell           



There once was a whore from Tijuana,                        
Who ass smelled like old marijuana.                         
When fucking old Mac,                                       
She spread her great crack,                                 
And got loaded just like they wanna.                        
                                                            
31471 HOOKERS - AGED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A worn-out old harlot named Mame                            
Attempted her youth to reclaim.                             
An old surgeon, Doc Gillian,                                
Made her look like a million,                               
But the men found her snatch was the same.                  
                                                            
31472 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1597



A incredible harlot named Nellie,                           
Repugnant, foul-spoken, and smelly,                         
Owes all her success                                        
To an adman's finesse,                                      
Selling media space on her belly.                           
                                                            
31473 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G1842



A middle-aged woman named Charlotte,                        
A very proud, self-avowed harlot,                           
Said, "Peddling tail                                        
Is a step up the scale;                                     
I formerly ran a used car lot."                             
                                                            
31474 HOOKERS - AGED                 Ed Potts            P8503



A girl who gave men lots of pleasure,                       
Found herself with spare time and leisure.                  
As time passed her by,                                      
All day she would sigh,                                     
What was left was no longer a treasure.                     
                                                            
31475 HOOKERS - AGED                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a crusty old maid                            
Who bragged that she'd never been laid.                     
When asked one fine day,                                    
If she'd give it away,                                      
Replied, "Not unless I get paid."                           
                                                            
31476 HOOKERS - AGED                 Anon                     



There was an old whore of St. Paul                          
Who gave lessons to lads in the hall.                       
Her motto was plain,                                        
There was much they could gain,                             
For before one can walk, one must crawl.                    
                                                            
31477 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1652



Said Susie, a fun loving tart,                              
"In my love life, old man have no part.                     
They will take you to bed                                   
But it's all in their head.                                 
All they do is they belch and they fart!"                   
                                                            
31478 HOOKERS - AGED                 Clarence E. Boyle   P8509



There was a young hussy from Gore...                        
But I see you've heard this one before:                     
You've guessed at the rhyme,                                
The woman, the crime!                                       
I'm afraid this one's an old hoar.                          
                                                            
31479 HOOKERS - AGED                 Lance Payne         P8505



In China, or so goes the tale,                              
Youthful whores can be had for one tael.                    
But when stateside, they say,                               
Randy fellows must pay                                      
Through the nose for decrepit old tail.                     
                                                            
31480 HOOKERS - AGED                 John Sandler        P9112



A harlot, a lady self made,                                 
In a bad light is often portrayed.                          
With devotion of heart                                      
Until death do her part,                                    
She hangs on to the tools of her trade.                     
                                                            
31481 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin       P9602



When Grover fucked old harlot Rose,                         
A problem she had to dispose.                               
So she said to him, "Grover,                                
I believe I'll turn over --                                 
I can't stand way your picking your nose."                  
                                                            
31482 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2269



There was an old whore from Bengazi,                        
Who'd been laid by a Frog and a Nazi.                       
And a Wog and a dog,                                        
And a razorbacked hog,                                      
But she drew the line at the Pinkerton brothers.            
                                                            
31483 HOOKERS - AGED                                     G0523



A sailor went out on a fling                                
And screwed an old whore name of King.                      
He had no cash to pay                                       
So she made the lad stay                                    
Until he'd undone the whole thing.                          
                                                            
31484 HOOKERS - AGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1513



In the interest of sinful delights                          
Bring back the plump trollop in tights,                     
Who worked her sex ways                                     
In our grandfathers' days,                                  
In the flickering gas lights of gay nights.                 
                                                            
31485 HOOKERS - AGED                 Grand Prix Lim  834      



The works of Xaviera Hollender                              
(If believed), would suggest that the gender                
Of her partners in sin                                      
Is a matter of in-                                          
Difference to the aging Hollender.                          
                                                            
31486 HOOKERS - AGED                                          



The john eagerly climbed up on top,                         
As he entered, she yelled out, "Wait stop!"                 
Looking into his eyes                                       
She said, "Please, sir, no lies,                            
Are you sure that you're not a cop?"                        
                                                            
31487 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Bob Birch                



A whore ran a wild place in Chester;                        
An officer came to arrest her.                              
The warrant he waved                                        
Was for action depraved,                                    
But he though it was best that he test her.                 
                                                            
31488 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1468



A detective by name of O'Conner                             
Made raids on a house of dishonor.                          
With his timing precise,                                    
He caught girls in his vise;                                
One was caught with the goods right upon her.               
                                                            
31489 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1621



The other one's not to be trusted,                          
Although after her the men lusted.                          
She led them astray                                         
Then they heard her say,                                    
"Hey, john, hate to tell you:  You're busted!"              
                                                            
31490 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                        



A whore who was very petite,                                
Who practiced her tricks in the street,                     
Screwed Butcher McTash                                      
Who was short on his cash,                                  
In exchange for a fine cut of meat.                         
                                                            
31491 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Cap'n Bean          P2005



Small breasts had the harlot from Wales,                    
But profits were high on her sales.                         
She was tried and confined,                                 
For the jury did find                                       
It was fraudulent use of the males.                         
                                                            
31492 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1689



There once was a hooker named Gail,                         
Busted and sent off to jail.                                
She liked the jailer                                        
Who wanted to nail her,                                     
So Gail made the bail with her tail.                        
                                                            
31493 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Vol 10                   



A street bawd arrested in Drury                             
Cried after the trial, in great fury:                       
"I didn't begrudge                                          
A free grind for the Judge--                                
The hard part was gamming the jury!"                        
(gam - British slang for fellatio)                          
31494 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                   G1778



A crack whore who landed in jail                            
Was sickly, anemic, and pale.                               
She wasn't much fun,                                        
But when I was done,                                        
I gave her the cash to make bail.                           
                                                            
31495 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Mr Malo                  



Here's a toast to my old sweetheart Sal,                    
A real down-home old-fashioned gal.                         
For though once or twice                                    
She was busted for vice,                                    
To me she was always a pal.                                 
                                                            
31496 HOOKERS - BUSTED               John Ciardi              



I know a young lass who's for sale.                         
She's really a nice piece of tail.                          
From June to September,                                     
She'll devour your member,                                  
And the rest of the year, she's in jail.                    
                                                            
31497 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                        



A vice cop one time did inveigle                            
To trap a young lad with whore Speegle.                     
But the lad turned eighteen                                 
As he blew his nuts clean,                                  
So his climaxing action was legal.                          
                                                            
31498 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1551



A wretched old whore of Algiers                             
Was hauled into court by her peers,                         
But the jury dismissed her                                  
For the foreman had kissed her,                             
And the judge was a month in arrears.                       
                                                            
31499 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8111



A harlot, picked up on the street,                          
Was charged with dispensing her meat.                       
She remarked in defense                                     
That she meant no offense,                                  
And she offered the jury a treat.                           
                                                            
31500 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1670



The daughter of tenant share croppers                       
Was arrested quite often by coppers,                        
For removing her lacies                                     
For men while at Macy's;                                    
'Twas Audrey, the little whore shoppers.                    
                                                            
31501 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                        



Cried a harried young hooker named Vi,                      
"So embarrassed am I, I could die!                          
I've been tossed into jails                                 
From Kamchatka to Wales...                                  
And here I am, locked up in RYE!"                           
                                                            
31502 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Grand Prix Lim  796      



The neighborhood knew that our Dale                         
Made her living by traffic in tail.                         
When the cops came to raid,                                 
She was irked and dismayed                                  
For we can't get to Dale while in jail.                     
                                                            
31503 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Grand Prix Lim  582      



A prostitute named Miss Bowers                              
Was stopped by judicial powers                              
From smoking in bed,                                        
When the sign clearly read:                                 
"Do not smoke during orifice hours."                        
                                                            
31504 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                   G2271



A savvy young hooker named Gail,                            
Got busted and lodged in the jail.                          
But the jailer got hot,                                     
To be lodged in her twat,                                   
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.                    
                                                            
31505 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                        



Said the cop to the hooker, with smile,                     
"Well now, that's your last trick for a while."             
She replied with a wink,                                    
"Hell, some time in the clink                               
Beats the hell out of servitude penile!"                    
                                                            
31506 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Mike Dale                



This hooker who now's behind bars                           
Got caught sexing clients behind bars.                      
If they'd want a quickie,                                   
She'd screw or she'd lickee,                                
But since she had piles, her behind bars.                   
                                                            
31507 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Irving Superior     P8911



The cop in the callhouse said, "Madam,                      
Where are all your whores?  You sure had 'em!"              
Said the madam, "Oh, balls!                                 
They are all out on calls,                                  
Supplying what Eve had for Adam."                           
                                                            
31508 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                   G1829



In the park, in the dark by a yew,                          
Ten flatfeet proceeded to screw                             
The town trollop, Mae,                                      
And of course didn't pay,                                   
But they did run her in, being through.                     
                                                            
31509 HOOKERS - BUSTED                                   G1891



A hooker, both famished and willing,                        
Asked a fellow who hadn't a shilling,                       
If he's swap a fine fuck,                                   
For dinner of duck,                                         
And a cake with a lemony filling.                           
                                                            
31510 HOOKERS - BUSTED               Cap'n Bean          P2005



There was a young woman named Fay,                          
Who took on crotch boarders for pay.                        
She wore out her insides                                    
With one-dolar rides,                                       
And a hundred and one rides a day.                          
(A thinking man's sexpot named Fay,)                        
31511 HOOKERS - BUSY                                     G1783



An efficient young lady of Rome,                            
Began to do piecework at home.                              
Eight hours a day,                                          
Fifteen minutes a lay,                                      
Neatly timed by the chimes from the Dome.                   
                                                            
31512 HOOKERS - BUSY                 John Ciardi              



A practical fellow named Mickey,                            
With harlots was careful and picky.                         
He refused to take Lizzy                                    
Who was always so busy,                                     
For he found her to be a bit sticky.                        
                                                            
31513 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1608



There was a young girl from Kamloops,                       
Who took on all soldiers in groups.                         
She at first made a pass                                    
At the sergeants and brass,                                 
And then later, took on all the troops.                     
                                                            
31514 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin            



There was a professional cutie,                             
Who toiled on in ill-reputy.                                
And, although she got tired,                                
She never was fired,                                        
Because she was always on duty.                             
                                                            
31515 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Thomas Ratliff      P0304



A capable harlot named Thresher                             
Worked hard all day long and felt fresher.                  
All her clients were fat                                    
But she didn't mind that;                                   
She said she worked best under pressure.                    
                                                            
31516 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1678



A hardy old whore of Quebec                                 
At the end of the night was a wreck,                        
From the moans and the trials                               
Of old farts with piles,                                    
And the bastards who breathed down her neck.                
                                                            
31517 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G1856



A harlot who lived in Rangoon                               
Fucked Hindus from morning to noon,                         
But the rest of the day                                     
Was the time to make hay;                                   
For she fucked a whole British platoon.                     
                                                            
31518 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1646



There was a hot girl from the Saar,                         
Who fucked all, from near and from far.                     
When asked to explain,                                      
She replied with disdain,                                   
"I'm trying to buy me a car."                               
                                                            
31519 HOOKERS - BUSY                                     L1054



Dolores, that sweet little flower,                          
Had so many men in her power --                             
He skill was so great,                                      
They just couldn't wait,                                    
So she charged by the minute, not hour.                     
                                                            
31520 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Ardens                   



My name is Charity Verosity;                                
I'm dying of my generosity.                                 
I've got a disease                                          
From the giving of ease,                                    
And truth is just nebbish verbosity.                        
                                                            
31521 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I am Charity Verity's niece,                                
So I'm Constants Deliverence Piece.                         
My folks were illiterate;                                   
I must now live with it,                                    
Constantly delivering my crease.                            
                                                            
31522 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A busy young whore from Rangoon                             
Peddled just oodles of poon-                                
Tang as she cried,                                          
"I've clients outside!                                      
Come All Ye Faithfull....and soon!!"                        
                                                            
31523 HOOKERS - BUSY                                          



There was a young girl of Key West                          
Who claimed that her ass was the best.                      
There were forty marines,                                   
Who were still in their teens,                              
Who agreed, for they all took the test.                     
                                                            
31524 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1562



Now hailing from Fawley is Betty,                           
The queen of the oil tanker jetty.                          
She'll take from the seamen                                 
Both money and semen,                                       
While getting both greasy and sweaty.                       
                                                            
31525 HOOKERS - BUSY                                          



A busy young harlot named Kline                             
Worked daily from nine until nine.                          
On her afternoon break,                                     
A siesta she'd take,                                        
And she'd hang the "Go Fuck Yourself" sign.                 
                                                            
31526 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Phil Cannibal       P9108



Said the beauty who banged at the door,                     
"I'm enjoying good business galore!                         
From my daytime high rate,                                  
I go down after eight,                                      
And give double green stamps, furthermore!"                 
                                                            
31527 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  477      



A canny young hooker from Brussels                          
Is given to wearing stuffed bustles,                        
The better to guard                                         
Her private back yard,                                      
While fronting the crowds as she hustles.                   
                                                            
31528 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Armand E Singer       284



A harlot who was an old kvetch,                             
Came nine times with a well-endowed wretch.                 
Then, with prick twixt her thighs,                          
She declared between sighs,                                 
"I'd call this the tenth-inning stretch."                   
                                                            
31529 HOOKERS - BUSY                                          



There was a Young Lady of Ryde,                             
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied;                      
She purchased some clogs,                                   
And some peek-a-boo togs,                                   
And performed in skin flicks on the side.                   
                                                            
31530 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Edwardian Leer 053       



When visiting harlots, old Herm                             
For early appointments was firm.                            
He was somewhat aghast                                      
At the time he was last,                                    
For the bird that was last got the sperm.                   
                                                            
31531 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1548



Said a greedy old whore from Willamette,                    
As she ran the army camp gamut,                             
"I could make a lot more                                    
But I'm only one whore.                                     
I feel like a bottleneck, damn it."                         
                                                            
31532 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Ray A. Billington   P9312



A prostitute peddles her wares                              
On corners of streets and gets stares,                      
From folks who're prestigious                               
And from those religious,                                   
Who'd like to be earning her fares!                         
                                                            
31533 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Travis Brasell           



There was a young whore whose delight                       
Was to lure all the men of the night.                       
She'd entrap them with bets,                                
Then admire their pecs,                                     
And then stare at the ceiling all night.                    
                                                            
31534 HOOKERS - BUSY                 James Brynildsen         



There is a young tart named Hornblower                      
Bangs away in the town's best love store.                   
She has so many clients                                     
Exercise her appliance,                                     
I have yet to get in her front door.                        
                                                            
31535 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  229      



Ah Carol, my sweet innocent maid,                           
I'm sure that you've never been laid                        
By more than eight men,                                     
At a time, only then                                        
When you're sure you'll be properly paid.                   
                                                            
31536 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Anon                     



Wept a blowsy old bawd of her plight:                       
"Where I once was excitingly tight,                         
Now I'm loose as a goose                                    
From continual use--                                        
Night after night after night!"                             
                                                            
31537 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  479 G1853



"Well, I only charge ninety-nine cents,                     
And get fucked by no end of hot gents.                      
It lures passels of peckers--                               
They're mostly wet deckers--                                
And the payoff, per night, is immense!"                     
                                                            
31538 HOOKERS - BUSY                                     G1755



The patrons of madam McGrath                                
Did beat to her door a wide path.                           
But it kept her so busy,                                    
And it made her so dizzy,                                   
That she never had time for a bath.                         
                                                            
31539 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin            



There once was a beautiful maid                             
Who wondered why she should be paid.                        
So she said to me,                                          
"I'd do this for free,                                      
But then I would starve, I'm afraid."                       
                                                            
31540 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Bill Taylor         P9808



Said two hard-working whores of Bucyrus,                    
"Twenty-nine times a day rather tire us...                  
If it weren't for their dough                               
We would tell johns to blow...                              
For they haven't done much to inspire us!"                  
                                                            
31541 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  303      



A tail-for-sale babe named Miss Muffet                      
Remarked as she sat on her tuffet,                          
"That tightwad Magee                                        
Wanted what I sell...FREE,                                  
But I told Magee to go stuff it.                            
                                                            
31542 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  238      



"Keep prostitutes off of the street!"                       
Exclaimed Councilwoman Ms Treet.                            
"Last night I kept two off,"                                
Sneered old Mayor Duboff,                                   
"Tonight I'll perform a repeat!"                            
                                                            
31543 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Travis Brasell           



Said a busy young whore named Miss Randalls,                
"Men by the dozen, I handles.                               
When I gets busy,                                           
My cunt gets all jizzy,                                     
And runs down my legs like wax candles."                    
                                                            
31544 HOOKERS - BUSY                                     L1048



Tomorrow's a paid holiday                                   
And some extra time to go play.                             
But not old Trav's whores,                                  
They'll be on all fours,                                    
'Cause they always get off with pay.                        
                                                            
31545 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Carol                    



A harlot one day on a spree                                 
Was fucked by one hundred and three.                        
She complained she was beat,                                
But a man on the street                                     
Said "There's plenty of cunt there for me."                 
                                                            
31546 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1668



There was a young lady named Pryor,                         
Who said to a gentleman, "Sire,                             
Do not feed me that rot,                                    
I am not to be bought;                                      
If you must know, I'm only for hire."                       
                                                            
31547 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1639



A tired young trollop of Nome,                              
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.                     
Eight miners came screwing,                                 
But she said, "Nothing doing;                               
One of you has to go home!"                                 
                                                            
31548 HOOKERS - BUSY                                     L1041



A girl who worked British rail stations                     
In search of some willing male patrons                      
Said "I just ignore                                         
when they call me a whore."                                 
I say I'm in public relations!                              
                                                            
31549 HOOKERS - BUSY                                          



A bookseller sold "Charlotte's Web" to                      
A patriotic young hooker named Sue.                         
"I'll read this in bed,                                     
While working," Sue said.                                   
So that evening she read White and blew.                    
                                                            
31550 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Michael Weinstein   P0305



There was an old whore name of Jane                         
Who made a fast buck with no strain.                        
She had twenty, one hour,                                   
And she said in the shower,                                 
"I've been riding the old gravy train."                     
                                                            
31551 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1553



A simple young fellow was Stubby;                           
The harlot he married was grubby.                           
"Every day," he said, "Shirley,                             
You must leave your work early,                             
And save the last piece for your hubby."                    
                                                            
31552 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1673



The call girl went up to room 10                            
And found out that seventeen men                            
Has worked up a pot                                         
If she' service the lot,                                    
So she stripped off and snickered, "Say When!"              
                                                            
31553 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  125 P8504



A Do-It-Yourself-er was blue;                               
His projects did not seem to do,                            
Till he took his screwdriver                                
Two tens and a fiver,                                       
And went out to purchase a screw.                           
                                                            
31554 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Jemstone            P0101



A carpenter's part of ship's crew;                          
Looks after the screwdrivers, too.                          
A canny old sort,                                           
When the ship gets to port,                                 
He knows where to shop for a screw.                         
                                                            
31555 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Jemstone            P0101



When Natasha signed on to ship's crew,                      
I asked Skipper what jobs she would do.                     
Said the Captain, "Natasha's                                
For hauling the ashes                                       
Of horny old stokers like you!"                             
                                                            
31556 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Jemstone            P0101



She entertained men of all nations,                         
Causing various and sundry sensations.                      
When asked, "Are those dozens                               
Of callers your cousins?"                                   
She said, "No, just my sexual relations."                   
                                                            
31557 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  431      



A big ship came into Cork Quay,                             
Full of sailors just mad for a lay!                         
The whores of the city                                      
Rushed on board without pity,                               
In their hurry they smashed the gangway.                    
                                                            
31558 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Linda Marsh Coll         



That gal just could not take the hassle;                    
Flew to England to see Windsor Castle.                      
And with those palace guards                                
Didn't find it too hard,                                    
To survive as she sold them her asshole.                    
                                                            
31559 HOOKERS - BUSY                                          



An overworked harlot named Wren                             
Who I used to go see now and then                           
Said, "Old Speedy McGrew                                    
Will arrive here at two...                                  
So you know I'll be free by two-ten.                        
                                                            
31560 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Grand Prix Lim  558      



A hefty old harlot named Flynn                              
Was fat and ugly as sin.                                    
But she cried in defiance,                                  
"I can take no new clients,                                 
For I fear I am spread far too thin."                       
                                                            
31561 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1516



There once was an actress of Bonely,                        
And the men never let her be lonely.                        
So she hung out in front                                    
Of her popular cunt,                                        
A sign reading, "Standing Room Only."                       
                                                            
31562 HOOKERS - BUSY                                     L1378



A shabby old harlot sold goods                              
To forgers, embezzlers and hoods;                           
To judges and preachers,                                    
And Sunday school teachers,                                 
And she fucked them all good in the woods.                  
                                                            
31563 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1533



A teacher by trade in the day,                              
At night just a hooker for pay.                             
If it's not a pop quiz,                                     
It's a bit of hot jizz,                                     
I guess and suppose you could say.                          
                                                            
31564 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Mike Prsnut              



A union official, MacLout,                                  
Was having a fine fucking bout.                             
Twenty fucks in a row,                                      
And the harlot said, "Joe,                                  
Remember -- it's thirty and out."                           
                                                            
31565 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1594



Annabel was a girl from Bangore,                            
Who turned out to be quite a whore.                         
She went to the states,                                     
Banged up 250 mates,                                        
From the video, you could tell she was sore.                
                                                            
31566 HOOKERS - BUSY                                          



A whore named O'Hare was amenable                           
To taking a dare quite un-penable.                          
Through one up to nine                                      
She could handle just fine;                                 
Her position was then quite untenable.                      
                                                            
31567 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Pierce Evans             



Doing Louise is what you yearn,                             
But one thing that you should learn:                        
The best thing to do                                        
Join the end of the queue,                                  
And bloody-well wait for your turn.                         
                                                            
31568 HOOKERS - BUSY                                          



A patient old strumpet named Flossie                        
Lay back on a bank soft and mossy;                          
There she waited all day                                    
Till it showed up her way --                                
The whole goddamned horny town posse!                       
                                                            
31569 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Armand E Singer       508



There was a young madam named Burke                         
Who had an affair with a Turk.                              
She could not see the gent                                  
Who came up for the rent,                                   
She was fully wrapped up in her work.                       
                                                            
31570 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin            



While the harlot was screwing some jerk,                    
The old landlord came in with his clerk.                    
He asked for the rent,                                      
But she said to the gent,                                   
"Not right now, for I'm wrapped up in work."                
                                                            
31571 HOOKERS - BUSY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0220



A lady who lives in Des Moines                              
Has what poets have called "loamy loins".                   
She enjoys great renown                                     
As best bargain in town,                                    
'Cause she rents them for just a few coins.                 
                                                            
31572 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



There once was a whore most deluxe,                         
All the perverts adored her lewd fucks.                     
She'd beat their tools off,                                 
Let them cunt lap her froth,                                
Or she'd shit in their face, for two bucks.                 
                                                            
31573 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    G1770



To the harlot, the old chimney sweeper                      
Complained that her prices were steeper.                    
Said the harlot, nonplussed,                                
"If for bargains you lust,                                  
You will find that the back hole is cheaper."               
                                                            
31574 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-0952



Said a sailor ashore in Berlin,                             
"Fraulein, wieviel kosten some sin?"                        
She said, "For you one mark                                 
We'll adjourn to the park,                                  
You can klophen but I won't let you in."                    
                                                            
31575 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Arthur Deex         P0102



There was an old whore named McGee,                         
Who was just the right sort for a spree.                    
She said, "For a fuck,                                      
I charge half a buck,                                       
And I throw in the asshole for free.                        
                                                            
31576 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L1035



A tart who was down on her luck                             
Accepted a trick for a buck.                                
When he waxed too erotic                                    
She cried, "Nothing exotic--                                
A buck gets you only a fuck!"                               
                                                            
31577 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                         



There was a sweet thing from Champlain,                     
Who grants sexual favors insane.                            
You'd think that she'd laugh                                
At a buck and a half,                                       
But you don't hear the tourists complain!                   
                                                            
31578 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a hooker to johns in a bar,                            
"Your concept of price is bizarre:                          
If you're thinking retail,                                  
It'll cost you a bale--                                     
But (w)holesale is cheaper by far!"                         
                                                            
31579 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Norm Storer         P9205



A frustrated young cowboy named Grange                      
Met a wizened old whore on the range.                       
He said, "I need a fuck                                     
But I've only one buck."                                    
She said, "Quite alright, I give change."                   
                                                            
31580 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Dave Bradford            



Pam's efforts at raising a buck                             
Aren't meeting with very much luck.                         
If she's overchargin',                                      
Not giving a bargain,                                       
She'll have to charge less for each fuck.                   
                                                            
31581 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl from Des Moines,                     
Who had a large sack full of coins.                         
The nickels and dimes,                                      
She got for the times                                       
That she cradled the boys in her loins.                     
                                                            
31582 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L1011



A seamstress from Epping-on-Tyne,                           
Used to peddle her tail down the line.                      
She first got a crown,                                      
But her prices went down;                                   
Now she'll fit you for ten pence or nine.                   
                                                            
31583 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L1014



There was an old Count of Swoboda,                          
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.                 
So with great savoir-faire,                                 
She stood on a chair,                                       
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.                         
                                                            
31584 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L1061



A five-cent chick sounds like delight;                      
Although, to be sure, not so tight;                         
If she chews lots of gum;                                   
To get head might be dumb;                                  
Those jaw muscles fill me with fright!                      
                                                            
31585 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                         



There once was a whore named Elise                          
Who would give everyone a piece.                            
For just ten dollars cash,                                  
You could get in her gash;                                  
For five she'd just drop to her knees.                      
                                                            
31586 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Dr Limerick  04-19-96    



Grins a fey Swedish groupie named Lynn:                     
"There are Nordics who may not get in.                      
For a screw sometimes bores                                 
When it's Danish or Norse,                                  
But I sure do put out for a Finn!"                          
(fin - a five dollar bill - American slang)                 
31587 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Jim Weaver Collection    



A red-headed lass from Hoboken                              
Claimed she'd do aught for a token.                         
I viewed with suspicion                                     
The words of this Titian,                                   
But I'm here to say she wasn't jokin'.                      
                                                            
31588 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    G1804



I once knew a Scotsman who said,                            
I'd pay more than two pence to bed                          
A trollop or doxie                                          
Who shows me the moxie,                                     
To toss my kilt over her head!                              
                                                            
31589 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Ken Rose                 



Said a sailor ashore in La France,                          
"La Mlle, combien il coute in your pants?"                  
She said, "For you one franc                                
I can give it a yank,                                       
It costs more for vilan can can danse!"                     
                                                            
31590 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Arthur Deex         P0102



I once knew a dirty old whore,                              
Who'd screw me and blow me and more.                        
But when down on my luck,                                   
She would charge just a buck,                               
And say, "That's what good friends are for."                
                                                            
31591 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Bob Birch                



Last Sunday, at our altar call,                             
A young girl confessed that she'd ball                      
Any man for two cents --                                    
The response was immense;                                   
Offering plate's full of dents from the haul!               
                                                            
31592 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Robin K. Willoughby P8706



I once met a bitch with the mange,                          
And humped that old dog on the range;                       
I stuck a whole dollar                                      
Up under her collar;                                        
She thanked me and gave me my change.                       
                                                            
31593 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Travis Brasell           



A randy old tart of Tacoma,                                 
When diddled would sing "La Paloma."                        
Her price dropped to dimes                                  
If a guy shot five times,                                   
And she'd give him a special diploma.                       
                                                            
31594 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    G1873



Said the Madam, "You want Annie Tillet?"                    
Said the john, "That's my order, please fill it.            
She's the lowest of tramps                                  
But she gives me Green Stamps,                              
And my wife says she needs a new skillet."                  
                                                            
31595 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Theo Heller         P9205



Her therapy never would cease;                              
It caused every pain to decrease;                           
And for this appliance                                      
Of physical science,                                        
Her charge was but two bucks a piece!                       
                                                            
31596 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Lance Payne         P8305



The once was a young girl named Hicks                       
Who for money would suck on guys' pricks.                   
She swallows and spits;                                     
You can feel her tits,                                      
And she is now half price before six!                       
                                                            
31597 HOOKERS - CHEAP                J. Keeler                



A hooker named Sally May,                                   
Worked hard screwing all day                                
However during the night                                    
Her price was so right                                      
The customers all yelled "Hoo Ray"                          
                                                            
31598 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Jim Weaver Collection    



An exotic young hooker named Lily                           
Could delight any John, Dick or Willy.                      
But the best thing she gave                                 
To a pecker named Dave                                      
Was a refund -- for his was a dilly!                        
                                                            
31599 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Lims For Year - 01       



A lonely old maid name of Skilling                          
Proposed to sell ass for a shilling.                        
Said a man, "Why so low?"                                   
She replied, "You must know                                 
There's a hole in my life that needs filling."              
                                                            
31600 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1661



She's a woman who never dissents;                           
This hooker will take fifty cents.                          
This lusty young honey                                      
Can do without money.                                       
If she likes you a lot, she will yentz.                     
                                                            
31601 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Al Willis                



There was an old hag named LeSueur,                         
Who was just an out-and-out whore.                          
Between her big teats                                       
You could come for two bits,                                
And she'd fuck in any old sewer.                            
                                                            
31602 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L1028



If a girl charges fifty or more,                            
She's rotten, they say, to the core.                        
Then strange though it seems --                             
Take the other extreme --                                   
If her price is too cheap, she's a whore.                   
                                                            
31603 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1612



"By the minute I charge," said Miss Grange,                 
"And five bucks is the usual range."                        
But the way one man reckoned,                               
He blew in one second,                                      
So he gave her a dime and got change.                       
                                                            
31604 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1535



A prostitute by name of Rice                                
Was infected by pubic lice.                                 
When she would hump,                                        
The lice would jump,                                        
So she had to lower her price.                              
                                                            
31605 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Tom Patton          P9611



An affable tart of Bellevue                                 
Said, "While I'll go to beddy with you,                     
I'd prefer a rich jerk...                                   
It'd be the same work,                                      
And he'd cough up more dough than you do!"                  
                                                            
31606 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Grand Prix Lim  292      



A painted young lady's in Montague;                         
Her eyelids are smeared with a rotten hue;                  
With rouges and paint                                       
From forehead to taint;                                     
You shag her, it all with rub off on you.                   
                                                            
31607 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Allen Wolverton          



You cheated!  And now you appease,                          
With a taint that's infested with fleas?                    
Please keep your puss hidden,                               
Since skank is forbidden                                    
And downwind I'll faint in the breeze.                      
                                                            
31608 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Allen Wolverton          



There are some sweet girls in the boonies;                  
They'll blow you for three or four toonies,                 
Out in the back,                                            
For lack of a shack,                                        
Discount rates for the "businessman noonies."               
                                                            
31609 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Dudesdead                



A stingy old cockster named Orrin                           
Just loves to take trips to climes foreign.                 
He searches for whores                                      
On faraway shores                                           
Who never cost more than a florin.                          
                                                            
31610 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Armand E Singer       505



A whore I once knew from Hoboken                            
Would screw for just one subway token.                      
She was ugly as hell                                        
And she tended to smell,                                    
But it sure as hell beats chicken chokin'.                  
                                                            
31611 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                         



There was a young lady from Butte,                          
Who acted a little too cute,                                
Especially for                                              
A five-dollar whore                                         
In a house that lacked even repute.                         
                                                            
31612 HOOKERS - CHEAP                John Ciardi              



There was an old whore name of Gudgett,                     
Who said to a man, "Don't begrudge it.                      
If you come each week thrice,                               
I will lower the price."                                    
He said, "No, I must live on a budget."                     
                                                            
31613 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1541



A young man who was from Walla Walla                        
Grew extremely hot under the collar                         
Whenever a tart                                             
Would ask him to part                                       
With anything over a dollar.                                
                                                            
31614 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow of Butte,                          
Who differed with a prostitute,                             
As to what he should pay;                                   
So she met him halfway,                                     
And said, "Sir, I'm not prone to dispute."                  
                                                            
31615 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1464



A loose-hipped young lady of Lyme                           
Who started streetwalking part-time,                        
Found at five cents a sale,                                 
She sold oodles of tail.                                    
Now she's whoring full time for a dime.                     
                                                            
31616 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    G1820



Amy, the odd little duck!                                   
She sure likes to suck and to fuck.                         
Asked her roommates,                                        
"Amy just ate?"                                             
She'll eat one again for a buck.                            
                                                            
31617 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Arden                    



A clever young harlot named Gail                            
Held her annual one-cent sale--                             
The results weren't surprising:                             
It was good merchandising,                                  
But awfully hard on her tail!                               
                                                            
31618 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Stan McKean              



A hard-up old harlot of Lucknow                             
Remarked, "If you don't have a buck now,                    
And you fancy my crater,                                    
You can pay sometime later,                                 
And I'll give you one half of a fuck now."                  
                                                            
31619 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1588



Lee asked the loose lass in Pawtucket.                      
"Will you trade me some tail for this bucket?"              
She replied, "Listen Lee,                                   
That's the same as for free,                                
But I'll let you dunk dick for a ducat."                    
                                                            
31620 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Grand Prix Lim  186      



You fellows be gentle with any                              
Old whores that you meet name of Winnie.                    
She charges a price                                         
That is very nice;                                          
Not a buck, not a dime, but a penny!                        
                                                            
31621 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Travis Brasell           



A harlot who called herself Jenny;                          
Of patrons, she truly had many,                             
For her body was fine,                                      
And her motions devine,                                     
And her fee was but only a penny.                           
                                                            
31622 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Cap'n Bean               



There once was a whore from Kilkenny                        
Who peddled her ass for a penny.                            
She would holler out loud                                   
At the men in the crowd,                                    
"Hello, dear! You been gettin' any?"                        
                                                            
31623 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    G1815



A cheerful young girl who was willing,                      
Used to lay all the boys for a shilling,                    
Till a man deep in vice                                     
Gave her double the price--                                 
Though still willing, a shilling's not thrilling.           
                                                            
31624 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    G1890



There was a young woman named Gwen                          
Who said she would fuck for a fin.                          
I know it's hard knocks                                     
But I got the box                                           
That the sweet little cherry came in.                       
                                                            
31625 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Greger101                



A woman there was named Godiva,                             
Ambitious, hard-working -- a striver.                       
Just screwing around                                        
Wasted time, she had found,                                 
So she charges each fellow a fiver.                         
                                                            
31626 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Isaac Asimov             



Foolishly did Joy de Doler                                  
Let gentlemen pay to pole her.                              
Without any sense                                           
Charged one hundred cents.                                  
You could have her for only a dollar!                       
                                                            
31627 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Archie                   



There was a streetwalker named Duckworth,                   
Whose ass was not even one fuck worth.                      
She offered young Clive                                     
Her ass for a five,                                         
But all he could take was one buck worth.                   
                                                            
31628 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1496



I brought home a two dollar whore;                          
She promised to make my dick sore.                          
She didn't have change,                                     
Her snatch had the mange,                                   
So I threw the bitch out the door.                          
                                                            
31629 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Gene Brady               



There once was a man from Brougham,                         
Who told hookers that he like to screw them.                
Imagine his luck                                            
When they said, "Just five bucks,                           
But you have to pay for the room."                          
                                                            
31630 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Brian Marlin             



There was and old girl from Kilkenny,                       
Whose usual charge was a penny.                             
For half of that sum,                                       
You might rodger her bum,                                   
A source of amusement to many.                              
                                                            
31631 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Norman Douglas      L1034



A destitute prostitute, Pru,                                
Has a wonderful bargain for you.                            
For the price of a fuck,                                    
With minimal luck,                                          
She'll polish your spectacles too.                          
                                                            
31632 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Norm Storer         P9611



When the harlot a man did entice,                           
He agreed and exposed his device.                           
As it dropped to his feet,                                  
She exclaimed, "What a meat!                                
Just for you I will lower the price."                       
                                                            
31633 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1504



There was an old whore from Hoboken;                        
A slump had her girls all heartbroken.                      
She then tried a new caper                                  
With an ad in the paper,                                    
And the price was reduced with a token.                     
                                                            
31634 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin            



"Two-bit whores!" cried the man from Charters,              
To his wife and both of his daughters.                      
They came back with a cry,                                  
Hit him square in the eye,                                  
With an oversize sack full of quarters.                     
                                                            
31635 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Clarence E. Boyle   P8504



A lucious young cutie named Cole                            
Has a middle that's many men's goal...                      
Most clients go crackside,                                  
But some prefer backside...                                 
She charges the same either hole.                           
                                                            
31636 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Grand Prix Lim  564      



A criminal known as Bernice                                 
Is wanted by Boston police.                                 
She's addicted to crime,                                    
But she'll never do time,                                   
'Cause she screws cops for five bucks apiece.               
                                                            
31637 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



Bernice and policemen agree                                 
To the doctrine of RHIP.  (Rank hath its privilege)         
So when business is slowed,                                 
Her favors bestowed                                         
On captains and sergeants for free.                         
                                                            
31638 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



As the poem I carefully writ,                               
Lieutenants I had to omit.                                  
'Twas not just for kicks,                                   
But unlike their dicks,                                     
Three syllables just didn't fit.                            
                                                            
31639 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



A hooker charged prices absurd.                             
The cheapest that we've ever heard.                         
Just five bucks for "Head"                                  
And she furthermore said                                    
That "Screw"'s just a ten dollar word.                      
                                                            
31640 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Theo M. Heller      P9308



A whore had the notion sublime,                             
To take on seven men at one time;                           
One on top, one beneath,                                    
In each hand, in the teeth,                                 
And two with her toes, for a dime.                          
                                                            
31641 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    G0775



Whenever constipation has gripped ya,                       
So bad that it's like Jack has ripped ya,                   
Then know it's a blessing,                                  
Compared to confessing                                      
That some old cheap whore has done gypped ya.               
                                                            
31642 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Travis Brasell           



There once was a whore named Jillings,                      
Who'd give bj's for just a few shillings.                   
Once she did hummeth                                        
And the Ice Man Cometh,                                     
And she said, "You have hurt my fillings!"                  
                                                            
31643 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Gearhart                 



A prostitute, down with the blues,                          
Told the shop steward, bringing her shoes:                  
"As I told you last night,                                  
I'll not fucking unite                                      
If you don't accept 'short-time' for dues."                 
                                                            
31644 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8701



Or go see that lady named Marge;                            
Who will, for a very small charge,                          
Show you her stuff,                                         
And then, sure enough                                       
Your penis will start to enlarge.                           
                                                            
31645 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                         



I met a young maiden named Sue,                             
Who swore to me, she didn't screw.                          
I bet her a quid                                            
That she would, and she did.                                
I like a small wager, don't you?                            
                                                            
31646 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Phil                     



There once was a lady of sin                                
Whose face showed just where she had been.                  
Her price is would rise                                     
With the tool's length or size,                             
But for you, she would charge just a fin.                   
(fin - five dollars)                                        
31647 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Fred Cohen          P8512



There once was a hooker from Boulder                        
Who charged way too much, and I told her.                   
She said, "Listen, you creep!                               
You've been getting it cheap!"                              
So I put her on E-bay and sold her.                         
                                                            
31648 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Anon                     



There was an old madam named Wise,                          
Who offered some very good buys:                            
From the ten dollar girls                                   
Who were plump and with curls,                              
To the fifty-cent pieces with flies.                        
                                                            
31649 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1698



There was an old harlot named Bryce                         
Who tried a new business device.                            
For the fathers who came                                    
Whe kept prices the same,                                   
But the sons were let in for half price.                    
                                                            
31650 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1459



Christina from somewhere near Teep,                         
Is a tart and though ever so cheap,                         
Has been used by some ten                                   
Thousand three hundred men.                                 
I suggest that you stick to your sheep.                     
                                                            
31651 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Peter Wilkins            



There once was a floozy named Annie,                        
Whose prices were cosy, and canny.                          
A buck for a fuck,                                          
Fifty cents for a suck,                                     
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.                         
                                                            
31652 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L0993



In the city of York, there's a lass,                        
Who will hitch up her dress when you pass.                  
If you toss her two bits,                                   
She will strip to the teats,                                
And let you explore her bare ass.                           
                                                            
31653 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L1026



When the Price sisters came into town,                      
Their ill repute house gained renown.                       
Men would knock on the door                                 
And would come by the score,                                
When they heard that the Prices went down.                  
                                                            
31654 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin            



Two whores from the small town of Argo,                     
Came calling and peddling their cargo:                      
"Three bucks for our quim."                                 
But I said to them,                                         
"Aw, dammit, girls, I'm not Wells Fargo!"                   
                                                            
31655 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                         



There was a young lady called Hannah,                       
Who carried a mallet and spanner;                           
She said she was willing                                    
To bang for a shilling,                                     
Or tighten your nuts for a tanner.                          
                                                            
31656 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Peter J Rose             



An irate young husband named Polyp,                         
Lashed out with a terrible wallop,                          
At an overnight guest,                                      
Who dared to suggest,                                       
That his wife was an ordinary trollop.                      
                                                            
31657 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                         



The hooker told me: "Listen honey,                          
If you want to fuck me, show your money.                    
Twenty five bucks a lay,                                    
Does that sound OK?"                                        
But cheap as that makes me feel funny.                      
                                                            
31658 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Klass                    



There was a young girl named Dale,                          
Who put her ass up for sale.                                
For the sum of two bits,                                    
You could tickle her teats,                                 
But a buck would get you real tail.                         
                                                            
31659 HOOKERS - CHEAP                                    L1009



I once knew a crazy old whore,                              
Who promised she would fuck no more.                        
For a crummy two bits,                                      
She'd show you her tits,                                    
And moan as she shit on the floor.                          
                                                            
31660 HOOKERS - CHEAP                MrMalo                   



In the village lived Lucy LeSeur,                           
Who was just an out-and-out hooer.                          
Between her big tits                                        
Men could go for two bits,                                  
And for four bits a fellow could screw her.                 
                                                            
31661 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Kennewick                         
Who got bored with her two-for-a-penny trick.               
She gave up on hooking                                      
For short-order cooking,                                    
With results that would make even Denny sick.               
                                                            
31662 HOOKERS - CHEAP                jemstone            P2006



"You've been bad, you old grouch Ebeneezer!"                
Said the pretty young eager-to-pleaser;                     
He had dickered her down                                    
To have sex for a crown,                                    
And then offered two pence just to squeeze her.             
                                                            
31663 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Crazy Legs          T9801



A horny young sailor named Clark                            
Once picked up a slut in the park.                          
She was ugly and crude,                                     
And a horror when nude,                                     
But was good for a fuck in the dark.                        
                                                            
31664 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin 3024  G1760



A low-priced old harlot of Thrace                           
Enticed a young man to her place.                           
But he said to her, "Nellie,                                
You must lie on your belly,                                 
For I can't stand to look at your face."                    
                                                            
31665 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin   3024-1677



An old man, short of cash, name of Heeper                   
Told the harlot her prices were steeper                     
Than he could afford.                                       
Said the whore, somewhat bored,                             
"You can lick at the back hole, it's cheaper."              
                                                            
31666 HOOKERS - CHEAP                Albin Chaplin            



There was a wee lassie of Ulva,                             
Who was blessed with a rather good vulva.                   
For a fiver she'd say,                                      
You can have me all day,                                    
If you've no vaseline, I'll use sulva.                      
                                                            
31667 HOOKERS - CHEAP                David Fisher             



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Or pussy to any rich dandy,                                 
Now gives it for free                                       
To little old me,                                           
'Cause I'm so well hung and randy!                          
                                                            
31668 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Roderick            T9712



There is a fair maid by the sea                             
Who services lovers for free.                               
But this casual lass                                        
Has a germ in her ass,                                      
Causing sailors to squirt purple pee.                       
                                                            
31669 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         The Sailor          P0307



La Paz?  Ain't that down in Bolivia?                        
That's where I met luscious Olivia.                         
I said: "How ya doin'?                                      
How much for a screwin'?"                                   
She said: "Nothing mister, I'll give ya."                   
                                                            
31670 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE                                  



A low priced young lady named Perkins,                      
Would do it for peanuts or gherkins.                        
But she wouldn't give in                                    
To a man for some sin,                                      
Till she had a good look at his workin's.                   
                                                            
31671 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0290



There was a young whore from Madrid,                        
Who anyone could fuck for a quid.                           
But a bastard Italian                                       
With balls like a stallion                                  
Said he'd do it for nothing, and did!                       
                                                            
31672 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE                             L1031



"How come you gave sex -- it was free?"                     
Asked Willie of Madame McGee.                               
She paused for a while,                                     
Then replied with a smile,                                  
"Tonight you were not on TV."                               
                                                            
31673 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Clarence E. Boyle   P8707



Well, I can't resist a good trade,                          
Whenever I want to get laid.                                
I'll barter, I'll swap,                                     
From each bed I'll hop,                                     
And never once need to get paid.                            
                                                            
31674 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Carol                    



Said a certain young woman named Fay,                       
"There's nothing that's on for today.                       
There's a fellow or two                                     
Who are waiting, it's true,                                 
But that's fun! Neither one has to pay.                     
                                                            
31675 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Isaac Asimov             



A guy met a girl in Anacostia,                              
And said, "Darling, dare I accost ya?                       
I got only a buck.                                          
Is that good for a fuck?"                                   
She replied, "Not a fart will it cost ya."                  
                                                            
31676 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE                             L0992



There once was a tart with a heart;                         
All the guys would just fuck and depart.                    
She forgot to charge fees                                   
In advance, if you please.                                  
Was she desperate or not very smart?                        
                                                            
31677 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Peter Wilkins            



A passionate lad one time sought                            
A no-good young lady named Scott.                           
"For how much," then he said,                               
"To be no good in bed?"                                     
He replied she'd be no good for naught.                     
                                                            
31678 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Albin Chaplin 3024  P8703



An old two-bit whore name of Shorter                        
Was engaged by an elderly porter.                           
She was so much impressed                                   
By his vigor and zest,                                      
No one asked for or gave any quarter.                       
                                                            
31679 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0756



I hereby acknowledge receipt                                
Of Peter's nine inches of meat;                             
So thankful I be                                            
That I'm waiving my fee.                                    
Signed _ _ _ _ _ _, who'd like a repeat.                    
                                                            
31680 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Peter Wilkins            



This Peter bloke sounds awfully nice,                       
Since ladies are waiving their price.                       
But a nine-inch screw                                       
Just doesn't ring true.                                     
So maybe he visited twice?                                  
                                                            
31681 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Hermione                 



Although there appears to be cunt                           
In Scunthorpe, I have to be blunt;                          
I've never, indeed,                                         
Felt the tiniest need                                       
Of Hermione's twat for a punt.                              
                                                            
31682 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Peter Wilkins            



Not a morsel?  Not even a whit?                             
Not a drib, or a drab, or a bit?                            
That's not what you said                                    
In West Birkenhead,                                         
When I offered a peek at my tit?                            
                                                            
31683 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Hermione                 



On holiday once in the Med,                                 
I took a young lady to bed;                                 
It might have been you,                                     
But it cannot be true                                       
For she gave me the best firk'n head.                       
                                                            
31684 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Peter Wilkins            



I did make a trip to the Med                                
And took a young man to my bed;                             
When I asked him for tact                                   
And respect in the act,                                     
All I got was his best smirk instead.                       
                                                            
31685 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Hermione                 



There was a young woman named Melanie,                      
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"                  
She replied, "No, siree,                                    
I give it for free...                                       
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."                         
                                                            
31686 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE                                  



The girl of my dreams, Anastasia,                           
Knows sexual tricks to amaze ya.                            
She'll bring you coition                                    
In any position,                                            
And (now here's the dream part,) she pays ya.               
                                                            
31687 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Anon                     



A woman named Roseabelle Lee                                
Would screw for a nominal fee.                              
But her sister, Suzette,                                    
Was a better fuck yet,                                      
'Cause she would just do it for free.                       
                                                            
31688 HOOKERS - CHEAP - FREE         Cap'n Bean               



A sprightly young tart in Pompeii,                          
Used to make fifty drachma per lay.                         
But age dimmed her renown,                                  
And now she lies down                                       
Fifty times for the same pay.                               
                                                            
31689 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES                          L1046



An aging call girl in L.A.                                  
Used to make half a thousand a day.                         
But age dimmed her renown,                                  
And now she lays down,                                      
Nearly ten times for exactly that pay.                      
                                                            
31690 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES                               



While checking her cash, madam Fern                         
Found counterfeit bills from young Bern.                    
Though she ran up the stair,                                
He was already there                                        
At the point where there was no return.                     
                                                            
31691 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Albin Chaplin   3024-1510



The harlot from old madam Fern's                            
Had such a great time with young Burns,                     
And she found him so gay                                    
That she asked him to stay,                                 
Until all of the harlots took turns.                        
                                                            
31692 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Albin Chaplin   3024-1511



"Mean, moody, magnificent," that is                         
A phrase you'd not use about Gladys.                        
She stands in the shade,                                    
There plying her trade,                                     
And gives it away, free and gratis.                         
                                                            
31693 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



But then comes a man up from Dover,                         
Who bundles her into his Rover.                             
'Cause he's far from fussy,                                 
Just wanting some pussy,                                    
So's happy and feels Glad all over.                         
                                                            
31694 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



For a harlot, old carpenter Slade                           
A partition installed, and conveyed                         
A bill for the labor,                                       
But the harlot said, "Neighbor,                             
You can take out your payments in trade."                   
                                                            
31695 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Albin Chaplin   3024-2925



He accepted the harlot's condition;                         
She lay down and he took the position.                      
With his finger and thumb                                   
In her cunthole and bum,                                    
He said, "Pay or out comes the partition."                  
                                                            
31696 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Albin Chaplin   3024-2926



He said, "Hey whatcha' got?  Come, let's barter,"           
As he hastily loosened my garter.                           
Then looked down with a smile,                              
Asked "Will you go the full mile?"                          
I said "Fifty bucks would be a good starter."               
                                                            
31697 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES                               



"50 bucks?  And that's only a starter?                      
When your sexy young sister will part 'er                   
Legs for a buck,                                            
And if you get stuck                                        
In well, even then she will barter!"                        
                                                            
31698 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES                               



A hooker was working the street,                            
When a young lad she chanced to meet.                       
She showed him her boobs                                    
And just a few pubes,                                       
But he had no cash for a treat.                             
                                                            
31699 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Arden                    



The hooker said, "Well that's OK.                           
Today you are Frito-Lay.                                    
But please don't Snicker                                    
When you see my knickers,                                   
Or drink from my Milky Way.                                 
                                                            
31700 HOOKERS - CHEAP - ZSERIES      Arden                    



A whore, and intelligent, too!                              
I know I've had one, maybe two;                             
Some do things back-asswards,                               
Like misspell their passwords,                              
And some even fart when they screw!                         
                                                            
31701 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                     



There was a young fellow named Dick                         
Who drained blood from his brain to his prick.              
During trysts rank and boozy,                               
He bragged to his floozy,                                   
But to her he was just another trick.                       
                                                            
31702 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Norm Brust               



The whores who work out in St. Louis                        
Seek clients by hollering, "Screw us!"                      
But those in Des Moines                                     
Hide grapes in their groin,                                 
And promise things much more sensouis.                      
                                                            
31703 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Norm Storer              



Juanita, the Mexican whore,                                 
She will fuck you right down on the floor,                  
But not in the bed.                                         
"It's too soft", she said.                                  
"I like it real hard, Si Senore!"                           
                                                            
31704 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Lims For Year - 01       



Said an over-fastidious gent,                               
To a whore, "If you mean to give vent                       
To my passion, I hope                                       
You've made good use of soap,                               
And have grown to the age of consent."                      
                                                            
31705 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            John Ciardi              



When she quoted her price to him, Dawn,                     
Said, "Relax yourself, Man, you look drawn.                 
It takes nothing but cash                                   
For a stab at my gash,                                      
So shuck out the bucks and climb on!"                       
                                                            
31706 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Grand Prix Lim  167      



Our neighborhood whore is no beauty.                        
But we're not the sort to be snooty.                        
We favor a lass                                             
With a good country ass,                                    
And a proper devotion to duty.                              
                                                            
31707 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            John Ciardi              



There was an old hooker named Jane,                         
Whose customers all were insane.                            
She preferred Julius Caesar                                 
'Cause he could in fact please her,                         
While Napoleon kept trying in vain.                         
                                                            
31708 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                     



Says campfollower Mitsy McGore,                             
"A trollop can easily score                                 
With any Marine                                             
If she comes on the scene                                   
As the whorps who does morps for the Corps!"                
                                                            
31709 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Norm Storer              



An obliging young harlot named Lentz                        
Rents her genital area to gents.                            
Now and then a guy hollers                                  
At her price of ten dollars,                                
But to Lentz every dollar makes sense...                    
                                                            
31710 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Grand Prix Lim   89      



That luscious young harlot, Miss Burkes,                    
The pick of our local sex-works,                            
Attracted the mayor,                                        
The judge, a surveyor,                                      
And a newsboy who normally jerks.                           
                                                            
31711 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Grand Prix Lim  177 G1752



The shadier ladies from Queets,                             
Are ranked their profession's elites;                       
They arouse in the men                                      
An insatiable yen                                           
For Native American Sweets.                                 
                                                            
31712 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Ed Potts            P8606



To the whore on the farm went young Matthew,                
And chickens and pigs did the path use,                     
For the lad did not think.                                  
Said the harlot, "You stink!                                
I'm afraid that I first have to bath youse."                
                                                            
31713 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1598



There once was a harlot named Suzie,                        
Who often got drunken and woozy.                            
She worked on the street;                                   
Lots of men she would meet;                                 
Now wouldn't you say she's a floozy?                        
                                                            
31714 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Shari Clevenger          



To the butcher, a lady named Gail                           
Made it clear that she charged for her tail.                
But he said, with reflection,                               
"I can make no exception --                                 
You will find all my sausage for sale."                     
                                                            
31715 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1526



In a bawdy house, naive young Ted                           
Paid a hooker to take him to bed.                           
She asked, with soft laugh,                                 
"Round the World? Half and Half?"                           
"We can have them drinks later," he said.                   
                                                            
31716 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



A sturdy old harlot named Astor                             
Was fucked by a gent who outclassed her.                    
She found the old codge                                     
Was head of the Lodge,                                      
And she knew why they called him Grand Master.              
                                                            
31717 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1431



A van-driving hooker named Crenna,                          
C.B.ing for tricks near Ravenna,                            
Locked professional gears                                   
With a Smoky with ears                                      
And a hyperextended antenna.                                
                                                            
31718 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                     



She said, "I'm from Boise, you know.",                      
As she sucked on the clergyman's toe.                       
He said, "I da priest                                       
In dis kinky love feast!"                                   
Which left her to shout, "Idaho!"                           
                                                            
31719 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                     



For men who have wives like Xanthippe,                      
There's a gal down in old Mississippi;                      
A Goddess Astarte                                           
The "wife" of the party,                                    
But to those who can't pay, "Just a chippie."               
                                                            
31720 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            John Mayhood        P0206



She said that for payment in coin,                          
She'd happily ungird her loin.                              
Near Freshwater Bay,                                        
So there, as we lay,                                        
I kissed her down there on the groin.                       
(groin - beach extension to protect from erosion)           
31721 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Tiddy Ogg                



A studious harlot was Metters,                              
Who always was screwed by her betters.                      
She'd collect B.V.D.'s                                      
From well-known Ph.D.'s;                                    
She was truly a lady of letters.                            
                                                            
31722 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1606



There was a young fellow named Si,                          
Whose motto was "Never say die."                            
Too plain to attract,                                       
He never attacked.                                          
If he couln't persuade, he would buy.                       
                                                            
31723 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Isaac Asimov             



A trollop named Mae in Montclair,                           
Would only take tricks in a chair.                          
When questioned, she said,                                  
"It's too tiring in bed.                                    
If you don't like a chair, go elsewhere!"                   
                                                            
31724 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Grand Prix Lim  494 G1838



Opined a smart chippie from Beasely,                        
"I can handle all comers quite easily...                    
Now and then there are guys                                 
Oversexed and outsized,                                     
But the average is limpid and measley."                     
                                                            
31725 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Grand Prix Lim  718 G1739



A movie producer named Mudgett                              
Loves bringing in sex under budget,                         
But gladly will blow                                        
A huge wad of dough                                         
On hookers and never begrudge it.                           
                                                            
31726 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Armand E Singer       788



There was a young lady of Kent,                             
The facts she did misrepresent.                             
She told lawyers from Yale                                  
That her ass was for sale,                                  
But they proved it was only for rent.                       
                                                            
31727 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin 3024  P8111



Though many a modern maid may                               
With loving lads, lustily lay;                              
A mercenary person                                          
Is Bernice MacPherson;                                      
She'll play not until they pre-pay.                         
                                                            
31728 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a girl from Decatur,                         
Who'd screw anybody who paid her.                           
One guy, short of bread,                                    
Offered SPAM loaf instead.                                  
She promptly replied, "See you later!"                      
                                                            
31729 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Bob Roberds         P9608



There was a male tourist from Norway,                       
Who had sex with a whore in a doorway.                      
Once back in the crowd,                                     
He wondered aloud,                                          
"What ever happened to foreplay?"                           
                                                            
31730 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                     



When Hubert (the younger) Douglas                           
Was making his move on a lass,                              
He stopped in his tracks,                                   
When she told him the facts:                                
"I'll not go to bed without brass!"                         
                                                            
31731 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Cubby                    



Said a well-worn old hooker named Black,                    
"It is not just a matter of jack;                           
I'm a lady of leisure                                       
Who gets lots of pleasure                                   
Entertaining men friends on my back."                       
                                                            
31732 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Armand E Singer       309



So you say there is a lady, tut tut!,                       
And you think that she is not a slut?                       
I beg to differ,                                            
She'll 'win one for the giffer'.                            
Ah, what a young lady oh, what?                             
                                                            
31733 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                     



After class, a hooker while dressin',                       
Said, "Improving tricks I find distressin'.                 
To maintain my credential                                   
As professional wench I'll                                  
Need only one more fucking lesson."                         
                                                            
31734 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Thomas G. Keller    P9409



A hard-core old whore from Peru,                            
Who wouldn't give credit, 'tis true,                        
Said, "Pay as you enter,                                    
You're only a renter                                        
Of space for an hour or two."                               
                                                            
31735 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Armand E Singer       364



Maltilda, the sportinghouse queen,                          
Does most of her work in Moline;                            
A form of employment                                        
Which gives no enjoyment                                    
To Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen.                              
                                                            
31736 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                G1857



There was a streetwalker named Jones                        
Who felt a deep chill in her bones.                         
She performed for humanity,                                 
Interspersed with profanity,                                
And the whole night was pierced with her groans.            
                                                            
31737 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin 3024  G1811



Said a streetwalker bold to Big Dan:                        
"I'll take you on anywhere, man!                            
If you're in a big rush,                                    
There's the park underbrush,                                
Or how 'bout a quick blow in the can?"                      
                                                            
31738 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Grand Prix Lim  539 G1766



Now as you may know, I keep tabs                            
On gals, and I recommend Babs.                              
Who haunts the White Hart,                                  
But mind, she's a tart.                                     
You'd better watch out for the crabs.                       
                                                            
31739 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Tiddy Ogg                



Well I'd recommend Tania Tucker,                            
But here too, I'll warn you, don't fuck her.                
Instead, spend some money                                   
On this soft wet-lipped honey;                              
She's known as the best peckersucker.                       
                                                            
31740 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Dirruk                   



The confetti should not be unfurled                         
And 'Bon Voyage's should not be hurled.                     
When a hooker's out cruising                                
And flirting and boozing,                                   
She always has gone 'round the world'.                      
                                                            
31741 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Martin Wellborn          



After lots of wild fun and much boozing,                    
He got in his car and went cruising.                        
Then a woman named Charlotte,                               
The town's only harlot,                                     
Screwed his brains out and now he is snoozing.              
                                                            
31742 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Bob Birch                



To old codgers who live on their pensions,                  
To barkeeps and drunks at conventions,                      
To studs on the street,                                     
Mable sold her arse meat                                    
In a way one reluctantly mentions.                          
                                                            
31743 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                G1850



There was a whore down at the docks                         
Who kept all her cash in her socks.                         
When the navy sailed in,                                    
She could not help but grin                                 
At the thought of those sock filling cocks.                 
                                                            
31744 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Paul South African       



"My trade," said a hooker named Cole,                       
"Lets me play a respectable role                            
In our culture today.                                       
I pay my own way                                            
And manage to stay off the dole."                           
                                                            
31745 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            A. N. Wilkins       P8609



To his girl, said a Cornish marine,                         
"You've the knobbiest coastline I've seen.                  
'Twould be a wonderful sport                                
To put into port,                                           
If the rest of the fleet hadn't been."                      
                                                            
31746 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            John Ciardi         G0402



A lady named Rose had a daughter                            
Who did things no lady had ought'er.                        
The good folks confessed                                    
She was none of the best,                                   
But I noticed they, all of them, bought her.                
                                                            
31747 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Stanton Vaughn      G1767



There was a young fellow named Dania,                       
Who had a young girl from Rumania.                          
He said, "Let's see you work us                             
A whole three ring circus.                                  
That's exactly the reason I'm payin' ya."                   
                                                            
31748 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin            



There was a young madam McNitt,                             
Who gave all the men a good fit.                            
With no trouble at all,                                     
She took large men or small,                                
And young lads who had father's permit.                     
                                                            
31749 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin            



Of my clients, I like best the go-getter,                   
Who is rich and disdains a French letter.                   
Some men think a lot of me,                                 
Who profess to like bottomy,                                
But for me, frontal twatomy's better."                      
                                                            
31750 HOOKERS - COMPETENT                                G1798



A hooker who worked many towns,                             
Was kidded one day by some clowns.                          
They wanted to know                                         
How her business did go;                                    
She said it had its ups and downs.                          
                                                            
31751 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1680



She took the DOUCEUR from the chap,                         
A lagniappe for tapping his sap.                            
Then she smoothed out the sheet,                            
And returned to her beat,                                   
A real loving Venus "Fly Trap".                             
                                                            
31752 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Chris Papa               



"Is it too much to ask," said Lord Rayne,                   
To a baggage with whom he had lain,                         
"That you wait below stairs                                 
And tend your affairs,                                      
In case I require you again?"                               
                                                            
31753 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            John Ciardi              



Said the student at UCLA                                    
To the hooker he wanted to lay:                             
"I feel like a jerk;                                        
I do all the work,                                          
So why is it I have to pay?"                                
                                                            
31754 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



A flag-waving harlot with nerve,                            
Her country in two wars did serve.                          
In the trenches up front,                                   
With her cunt, took the brunt,                              
And she wiggled her asshole with verve.                     
                                                            
31755 HOOKERS - COMPETENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1617



A whore who survived Occupation                             
Was freed by U.S. Liberation.                               
But she wore out her ass                                    
With the army top brass                                     
So she sued for and got reparation.                         
                                                            
31756 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8405



A worn-out old harlot was Roocher;                          
Her cunt was in need of a suture.                           
But she knew fucking well,                                  
That her asshole would sell,                                
So she had no concern for the future.                       
                                                            
31757 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1453



A lad caused a harlot distraction;                          
His passion put her out of action.                          
She requestted he pay                                       
Five more dollars that day                                  
For she felt there had been an infraction.                  
                                                            
31758 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1491



A harlot was charged by old Barger;                         
She claimed that his charge did enlarge her.                
Barger griped at the charge                                 
Charge by old harlot Marge,                                 
For she claimed that his charge was much larger.            
                                                            
31759 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1436



There once was a girl named Lenore,                         
Whose occupation was that of a whore.                       
Till Hung Hugo stretched her,                               
From here to Manchester,                                    
Now Lenore ain't a whore any more.                          
                                                            
31760 HOOKERS - DAMAGED                                       



In a ward lay a harlot half dead,                           
Confined by a blow to the head.                             
In a week she felt well                                     
To get up, but said, "Hell,                                 
I make more when I lie here in bed."                        
                                                            
31761 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1485



There was an old whore of North Junction                    
Who fucked without any compunction,                         
And her fucking went fine                                   
Till a quarter of nine                                      
When she had a most serious malfunction.                    
                                                            
31762 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1042



She was having a fanciful bout                              
While she screwed with a preacher devout.                   
But his horny old knob                                      
Was as rough as a cob,                                      
And he twisted her twat inside out.                         
                                                            
31763 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1043



The girls of old madam LeClaire                             
Were sadly in need of repair.                               
A great many had snatches                                   
That were covered in patches,                               
And some were devoid of all hair.                           
                                                            
31764 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1581



The harlots of madam McNair                                 
Disturbed an old man debonair.                              
He remarked, with great poise,                              
He could stand all the noise,                               
But some twats were in need of repair.                      
                                                            
31765 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1604



Said the doctor, while checking Miss Sommer,                
"Your urine may tell why you're glummer."                   
So she stooped to the floor                                 
And she pissed like a whore.                                
"What you need," said the doc, "is a plumber."              
                                                            
31766 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2311



An overworked harlot named Baird,                           
Remarked to the next man who stared,                        
"You are shit out of luck                                   
For right after this fuck,                                  
I must go get my pussy repaired."                           
                                                            
31767 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1434



There was a young whore named Delores,                      
Who boasted of a numb clitoris.                             
She cared not a bit                                         
If you sucked on her tit,                                   
And gave money to her pimp, Boris.                          
                                                            
31768 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Dave Jersey              



Young Boris, her pimp, was a stud                           
And buried his pole in her mud.                             
Delores would scream                                        
When he shot off his cream                                  
And filled up her butt with his flood.                      
                                                            
31769 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Dave Jersey              



Said the priest, on our knees we must pray                  
For the cunts of old whores that decay.                     
At one time it was free,                                    
Then they charged a large fee,                              
And they now cannot give it away.                           
                                                            
31770 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1637



A drowning old harlot named Clive                           
Was pulled from the lake half alive.                        
On reviving she spoke,                                      
She could not swim a stroke,                                
But she swore that she knew every dive.                     
                                                            
31771 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1472



A harlot from Saskatchewan                                  
Was struck by a truck which sped on.                        
Though her asshole was tore,                                
She continued to whore,                                     
For she said that the show must go on.                      
                                                            
31772 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1653



"Goddammit!" cried a harlot named Strong,                   
"I regret now I ever went wrong.                            
It ain't the staight tail,                                  
It's the slashing toenail                                   
That knocks a girl out before long!"                        
                                                            
31773 HOOKERS - DAMAGED                                  G1871



A Hebrew explorer named Frost                               
Was screwing a harlot at cost.                              
But he found her so roomy                                   
That he soon became gloomy                                  
And he cried, "I am hopelessly lost!"                       
                                                            
31774 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0455



There was once a disgusting old trollop;                    
From her nose hung a pendulous polyp;                       
She had warts on her tits                                   
And a crotch full of zits,                                  
Round her waist, and incarnadine collop.     (roll of fat)  
                                                            
31775 HOOKERS - DAMAGED              Ed Potts            P8801



The broken-down harlot named Tweek                          
Was thirty years over her peak.                             
She was fast nearing death                                  
But she had a faint breath,                                 
So was kept on the job one more week.                       
                                                            
31776 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1683



I once knew a chancrous old slut                            
Whose left labe was large as a nut.                         
The flies in the loo                                        
Would spurn a fresh poo                                     
To siphon the boils on her butt.                            
                                                            
31777 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       H Whelchel               



Disillusioned and baffled was Phil                          
When he found that his harlot was ill.                      
He had paid her the cost                                    
But all was not lost,                                       
For she farted and poked with great skill.                  
                                                            
31778 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1629



An eager young beaver named Brickley                        
Engaged an old whore that was sickly.                       
But she started to puke,                                    
So he said, "What a fluke!"                                 
And he finished by jerking off quickly.                     
                                                            
31779 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1838



While screwing a harlot, old Gimp                           
Discovered the bitch falling limp.                          
She got sick halfway through                                
And began to turn blue,                                     
So he finished the piece with the pimp.                     
                                                            
31780 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-0922



I'm afraid you're too late pal,                             
For I've just been humping your gal.                        
Had you come home quickly,                                  
Her dress'd be less stickly,                                
But wipe up I certainly shall.                              
                                                            
31781 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Bob Mornington           



"I'm afraid you're too late pal,"                           
Said a cunning young runt named Hal.                        
"Seems the girl of your dreams                              
Serves up death when she creams --                          
She's a running young cunt of a gal"                        
                                                            
31782 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Gearhart                 



"They call her syphillis Suzie,                             
And she is a real loosy doozy.                              
Does any that move                                          
And some that don't, too.                                   
She is surely one cheap little floozy."                     
                                                            
31783 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Gearhart                 



You get what you pay for, I say.                            
So, if with ol' Winnie, you play                            
You'll catch something gross --                             
(Like clap -- have a dose.)                                 
One way or another -- you'll pay!                           
                                                            
31784 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK                                



A pustule in one old whore's crack                          
('Twas sebum and cancer-jam packed)                         
Was pinched by a turd,                                      
And spewed out a curd,                                      
That blistered her kinky john's sac!                        
                                                            
31785 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       H Welchel                



A hardy old harlot named Blanding                           
Had found that her work was demanding,                      
Due to obstacles hidden.                                    
Though she once was bedridden,                              
Her position of late's in good standing.                    
                                                            
31786 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1450



An old business man had compassion                          
While screwing a whore that was ashen.                      
He said, "If you've ambition,                               
I've a better position."                                    
But she said she preferred it dog-fashion.                  
                                                            
31787 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1474



Diseased is a hooker from Leicester                         
Whose privates have started to feicester;                   
She is greatly dismayed                                     
For she likes being laid,                                   
And longs for requeicests this semeicester.                 
                                                            
31788 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Armand Singer            



When a gentleman wants to be laid,                          
Let reason his actions pervade.                             
From amongst the profession                                 
He must choose with discretion,                             
Lest he's stuck with a whore that's decayed.                
                                                            
31789 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1779



Old Nader was cut to the quick;                             
His whore, with a full house, was sick.                     
So he campaigned the jails                                  
For the scrofulous quails                                   
And he tested them all with his prick.                      
                                                            
31790 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1738



An overworked hooker once said,                             
"I must change the sheets on my bed...                      
I've developed a rash,                                      
On the lips of my gash,                                     
And the inside's all puffy and red!"                        
                                                            
31791 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Paul                     



There was an old harlot name Measick,                       
Who thought she never would be sick.                        
But one time she got wrapped in                             
A long bout with a captain,                                 
And she ended up terrobly seasick.                          
                                                            
31792 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1605



There was an old harlot named Blick                         
Who thought she would never get sick.                       
But one time she got wrapped in                             
A long bout with the captain,                               
And she ended up terribly seasick.                          
                                                            
31793 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Jim Weaver Collection    



A feeble old whore on the coast                             
Low prices for sailors would boast.                         
She was too weak to lay                                     
In the regular way;                                         
She was fucked as she hung on a post.                       
                                                            
31794 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1473



There was an old whore of Tobruk,                           
Who kept her accounts in a book.                            
And this may sound bizarre,                                 
But her best day by far,                                    
Was the time that with the ague she shook.                  
                                                            
31795 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1679



A harlot once healthy and strong,                           
For years had been taking the prong.                        
She was ill for a year                                      
Then resumed her career,                                    
But she found the road back, hard and long.                 
                                                            
31796 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1672



At the doctor's, a whore name of Glover                     
When checked for her health did discover                    
A run-down condition,                                       
So said her physician,                                      
"You must stay out of bed to recover."                      
                                                            
31797 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Albin Chaplin   3024-1532



A whore who was ripe as a sewer,                            
Whose twat-cheese got bluer and bluer,                      
Acquired a small cat.                                       
Now pussy's quite fat,                                      
But still no one's queuing to screw her.                    
                                                            
31798 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK                                



Said Sue, scraping scabs from her taint,                    
"Though certainly Ah ain't no saint,                        
The chance Ah can pocket                                    
Fees off my eye socket,                                     
Are tearfully, winkingly faint."                            
                                                            
31799 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       John Miller              



"Make cash on the side?  Now Ah cain't!                     
Them doctors, insufferably quaint,                          
Have covered, (how droll)                                   
My colostomy hole                                           
With a nylon and kevlar restraint!"                         
                                                            
31800 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       John Miller              



"Yet dearie, Ah have no complaint;                          
Them medics used some sorta paint                           
To hide all the moles                                       
On two other holes.                                         
Could tell you which ones, but Ah ain't!                    
                                                            
31801 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       John Miller              



Old nymphomaniacal Gussy                                    
Was frantic and feisty and fussy;                           
She'd boffed herself raw                                    
And then Gussy saw                                          
A sore 'tween her thighs that was pussy.                    
                                                            
31802 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Travis Brasell           



You really should take better care                          
Of those whores that you like to share.                     
It would be disgusting                                      
If that sore was busting                                    
All over your patrons down there.                           
                                                            
31803 HOOKERS - DAMAGED - SICK       Carol                    



In the cunt of a dead whore named Phipp,                    
Was installed a new silicon chip,                           
So feedback from sensors                                    
Went to coils and condensers,                               
And she fucked with new vigor and zip.                      
                                                            
31804 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1630



For work the old harlot undressed                           
And fucked a young man with great zest.                     
From the strain she expired                                 
But her cohorts admired,                                    
For to die in the harness was best.                         
                                                            
31805 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1687



A hooker from London was found                              
Quite guilty of charging a pound.                           
They called her a menace                                    
And sent her to Venice,                                     
Where, walking the streets, she was drowned.                
                                                            
31806 HOOKERS - DEAD                 World Best Dirt Lim P9804



While fucking a whore, Mr. Binks,                           
Observed that she died from some kinks                      
Which her cunt did invade.                                  
But said Binks, "Since I paid,                              
I will fuck the old bitch till she stinks."                 
                                                            
31807 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1446



They buried the young village whore                         
In a graveyard not far from the shore.                      
She was not distressed                                      
When they laid her to rest.                                 
She had often been laid there before.                       
                                                            
31808 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Larry Perrine       P8802



Hickory Dickery do',                                        
The mouse ran across the flo'.                              
I pulled out my nine;                                       
His punk ass was mine.                                      
But I missed and shot my ho'.                               
                                                            
31809 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Ryan Brown               



Ain't that a bitch-and-a-half;                              
Ain't nuffin' about it to laff.                             
Just yo' bad luck,                                          
Now who ya gonna fuck.                                      
Gotta find you another calf.                                
                                                            
31810 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Arden                    



A ho' bitch like that got no honor;                         
Lets rats in my house, she's a goner!                       
She prolly worth mo'                                        
As a dead assed ho',                                        
'Cause Dave the Hermit might want her.                      
                                                            
31811 HOOKERS - DEAD                 MrMalo                   



If bargains are what you are seeking,                       
Madam X. has harlots from Peking.                           
She had dead ones on ice,                                   
And some covered with lice,                                 
And some with foul odors are reeking.                       
                                                            
31812 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G1864



There was an old whore of Lapeer,                           
Esteemed by all men, and so dear,                           
That when she passed away,                                  
They all gathered to pray,                                  
And the mourners had one on the bier.                       
                                                            
31813 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1577



The passing of old harlot Krauss                            
Was reason for more men to grouse.                          
Her remains were displayed                                  
On the roof, and all prayed,                                
Then the mourners had one on the house.                     
                                                            
31814 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1578



A outstanding whore named McCord,                           
A great many firsts in life scored.                         
She went into a frenzy                                      
With Sir William MacKenzie,                                 
And received a posthumous award.                            
                                                            
31815 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1600



A busy old harlot named Banks                               
Had died in the midst of her pranks.                        
She was thrown twenty dollars                               
By the last of her callers;                                 
And revived long enough to say, "Thanks."                   
                                                            
31816 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1435



A popular whore from St. Thomas                             
Suffered from all kinds of traumas.                         
"Stop fucking," her doc said,                               
"Or you'll wind up quite dead."                             
So she died, but still showed some promise!                 
                                                            
31817 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Laurence Craft           



An old Inuit hooker named Belle                             
Hit her head on the ice when she fell.                      
On her funeral day,                                         
The church bell had to play                                 
To the rhythm of "Eskimo Nell."                             
                                                            
31818 HOOKERS - DEAD                 David Axton              



A whore, who much trade did attract,                        
Dropped dead in the midst of a pact.                        
Twenty men with no hitch,                                   
Paid for screwing the bitch,                                
Before anyone noticed the fact.                             
                                                            
31819 HOOKERS - DEAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1432



Say hello to your family and wife                           
Whom I've know for, I guess, all my life.                   
I'm still in room six,                                      
If you're up to your tricks.                                
Come escape, for a while, from your strife.                 
                                                            
31820 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Neal Wilgus         P8612



Yes my dear, I'm still thinking of you                      
(Though I have other things I should do).                   
To avoid a rude shock                                       
Be damn sure that you knock.                                
All my customers do -- you should to!                       
                                                            
31821 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Neal Wilgus         P8612



All income that's earned in the sack,                       
The prudish delight to attack.                              
"But as all of it's profit,"                                
Said sexy Miss Moffett,                                     
"I spend all my time on my back."                           
                                                            
31822 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                G1861



A prostitute living in London,                              
Went pantless, with zippers all undone.                     
She'd explain, "Well, you see                               
I can do two or three,                                      
While Ruby, next door's getting one done."                  
                                                            
31823 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Douglas Catley           



An indolent lass from Iraq                                  
Spent a great deal of time in the sack,                     
Where she'd earn a month's pay                              
In a night and a day,                                       
Without once getting up off her back.                       
                                                            
31824 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                G1809



Saddam met this tart, Condoleeza;                           
He asked her: "How much-a your fees-a?"                     
She said, "I can faq                                        
You here to Iraq.                                           
You can pay me by Amex or Visa."                            
                                                            
31825 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Tiddy Ogg                



Consider the case of Mae Snively,                           
Who woke every morning at fively,                           
Uncovered her prize                                         
And said, "Hey!  You guys!                                  
If you're looking for action, step lively!"                 
                                                            
31826 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            S. D. Bismark            



A business-like harlot named Draper,                        
Once tried an unusual caper.                                
What made it so nice                                        
Was you got it half price,                                  
If you brought in her ad from the paper.                    
                                                            
31827 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin 3024  G1776



A peculiar lady of Kitchener                                
Would welcome old men who were ritchener.                   
By the bed, near the closet                                 
Was a box for deposit,                                      
For each buck you could feel a new twitchener.              
                                                            
31828 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1566



That efficient young harlot at Gorms,                       
Made us all fill out "New customer Forms"                   
On "Position desired..............................."        
"Equipment required................................"        
And "Other (State Norms and Abnorms..............)."        
                                                            
31829 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            John Ciardi              



A business-like hooker named Gower                          
Keeps track of the time when you plow her.                  
She gathers all data                                        
And charges pro rata:                                       
You pay by the minute or hour.                              
                                                            
31830 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Armand E Singer       432



She took all the johns to her tent.                         
She pleased them to their hearts' content.                  
The line moved quite fast;                                  
The tent emptied at last.                                   
How quickly they came and they went.                        
                                                            
31831 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Mary                           
Who was ripe for some Tom, Dick, or Harry.                  
But not any old clod,                                       
Only rich ones by God,                                      
For her system was strict cash-and-carry.                   
                                                            
31832 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Isaac Asimov        P9805



There was a young lady, fantastic,                          
Who was ripe for Tom, Harry, perhaps Dick.                  
But not any old clod,                                       
Only rich ones by God,                                      
Her criterion -- paper or plastic.                          
(up to date version)                                        
31833 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Arthur Deex         P9805



In Scunthorpe, we ladies of eve                             
Have got a few tricks up our sleeve.                        
If you gents can't rise,                                    
Then we will chastise                                       
You smartly until you achieve.                              
                                                            
31834 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



It seems that the ladies of eve                             
Will meet every thrust with a heave.                        
I heard it from Reg,                                        
Whose meat and two veg,                                     
Those ladies did quickly relieve.                           
                                                            
31835 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



While shopping for groceries, old Max                       
In morals became somewhat lax.                              
He was bold -- stuck his neck out --                        
Fucked the girl at the check out;                           
She charged ten on the meat key, plus tax.                  
                                                            
31836 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0262



Unique is a strumpet of Mazur,                              
In the way that her clientele pays her.                     
A machine that she uses                                     
Clamps on to her whoosis,                                   
And clocks everybody that lays her.                         
                                                            
31837 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                L1034



Among the social indiscreets                                
Are girls on corners of our streets --                      
The Oldest Profession;                                      
And newest concession,                                      
Providing credit card receipts.                             
                                                            
31838 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Irving Superior     P9804



For men who were lacking defrayment,                        
The harlot would not strip her rainment.                    
But she took a deposit                                      
For a feel in the closet,                                   
And the rest on receipt of full payment.                    
                                                            
31839 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1487



The tax-paying whores of the nation                         
Sent Congress a large delegation                            
To convince the old fools                                   
Their professional tools                                    
Were subject to depreciation.                               
                                                            
31840 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



There was an old harlot of Cottam                           
Whose business picked up in the autumn.                     
She managed to keep                                         
On top of the heap,                                         
For she did a fine job on the bottom.                       
                                                            
31841 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1476



There was a young girl from Defiance,                       
An expert in math and in science.                           
By exploiting the stairs                                    
And arranging the chairs,                                   
She then doubled the number of clients.                     
                                                            
31842 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin            



"I wouldn't be bothered with drawers,"                      
Says one of our better-known whores;                        
"There isn't much doubt                                     
I do better without                                         
In handling my everyday chores."                            
                                                            
31843 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Anon                G1777



There once was a harlot of fame,                            
Undaunted when outages came.                                
She would not lower prices;                                 
For 'tis true with her vices,                               
In the dark, what she does feels the same.                  
                                                            
31844 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Bob Birch           P0105



Dawn's early arrival for me                                 
Means waking each morning at three,                         
'Cause when it turns four,                                  
She comes through my door;                                  
By five the whore's gone with her fee!                      
                                                            
31845 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



A professional lady of Ealing                               
Was proficient at moaning and squealing                     
And faking the spasm                                        
Of female orgasm,                                           
While studying cracks in the ceiling.                       
                                                            
31846 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Amego               P2006



A madam by name Winifred                                    
Had signals attached to her bed.                            
The green was for go,                                       
The yellow meant slow;                                      
You were through when the light was on red.                 
                                                            
31847 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin            



A hefty old harlot from Nice                                
Did prosper though she was obese.                           
When she was in her prime,                                  
She took four at a time,                                    
Every wrinkle was good for a piece.                         
                                                            
31848 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin            



There was an old whore of Decatur,                          
In matters of finance, first rater.                         
If your cash went for chow,                                 
She said, "Why not fuck now                                 
And pay for the goods sometime later."                      
                                                            
31849 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1486



But the RNIB's young Miss Purvis,   [RNIB - ?]              
Whose body feels lovely and curvish,                        
Has found a fine way                                        
To keep blues away,                                         
With her personal grope-a-gram service.                     
                                                            
31850 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



A prostitute, Priestess of Blow,                            
Wears a cunt meter: START--STOP--and SLOW!                  
With a musical chime                                        
To keep track of the time,                                  
Which allows you to pay as you go.                          
                                                            
31851 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                G1745



While having a madam named Bunny,                           
A lad did tell jokes that were funny.                       
To divulge the whole truth,                                 
He had manners uncouth;                                     
He was bounced and refunded his money.                      
                                                            
31852 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin            



Young Lillie, a whore on the go,                            
Once wrote a love song full of woe                          
That tells what is said                                     
When she gets in bed:                                       
"Hi Lillie:" ... "Hi willy:" ... "Hi dough:"                
                                                            
31853 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Travis Brasell           



The Yellow Page ad of whore Wallace                         
For lonely young men had some solace.                       
"If you can't come to us,                                   
We'll get girls on the bus --                               
And right at your place, if you call us."                   
                                                            
31854 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1690



To stimulate trade, Cindy Stout                             
Gives a free lay for every tenth bout...                    
Her business is fine                                        
For men stand in line                                       
Waiting for the guy in to come out.                         
                                                            
31855 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Grand Prix Lim  132      



The harlot that's smarter avoids                            
Disaster of work-stoppage voids;                            
From a pregnancy lapse,                                     
Or a case of the claps.                                     
by insuring her pussy with Lloyds.                          
                                                            
31856 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1433



A selective old madam was Dades;                            
She instructed her skillful young maids                     
To give fine fucking sessions                               
To the men of professions,                                  
But they only should jack off all trades.                   
                                                            
31857 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1482



I've seen her in old NYC,                                   
On sidewalks, round the WTC.                                
She's brought her own bed,                                  
And lays there legs spread,                                 
For jumpers to land twixt her knees.                        
                                                            
31858 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



The luscious Miss Amy Ballew                                
Who watched two apes screw in the zoo,                      
Remarked to the keeper,                                     
"I do it too...cheaper...                                   
How about knocking off one with you?"                       
                                                            
31859 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Grand Prix Lim  678      



There was an old harlot named Lemann,                       
Who fancied all sailors were he-men.                        
When a ship came to port,                                   
She would open for sport,                                   
And she closed when they ran out of seamen.                 
                                                            
31860 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1582



There was a young lady from Carolina                        
Who had a rheostat for a vagina.                            
She could lay all day                                       
With a man in Bombay,                                       
While soliciting trade in Plina.                            
                                                            
31861 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                               G2634a



There's a girl, her name it is Lisa;                        
Her pussy tastes just like a pizza.                         
If you're are all out of cash,                              
But still want some gash,                                   
She will take Mastercard and your Visa.                     
                                                            
31862 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Lisa,                           
Whose ass I wanted a piece-a.                               
She got on her knees,                                       
Said, "Do what you please.                                  
I take Mastercard and Visa."                                
                                                            
31863 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



Said a prostitute down from Orilla,                         
"If I had your address I could bill ya;                     
Or cash I take too;                                         
Even charge cards will do;                                  
But you'd better pay up or I'll kill ya.                    
                                                            
31864 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Hugh Oliver           70a



A cabby's wife, brighter than some,                         
Had a meter installed in her bum.                           
With a musical chime                                        
To keep track of the time,                                  
And allow you to pay as you come.                           
                                                            
31865 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



In the bed of a harlot of Rome                              
Was placed a concealed metronome.                           
In a manner discreet                                        
She would step up the beat,                                 
Thus increasing the pay she took home.                      
                                                            
31866 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1647



Gents, if you want to get laid,                             
For a quickie, I know a young maid,                         
She will clean out your pipes,                              
In three or four wipes.                                     
That's why they call her Minute Maid.                       
                                                            
31867 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Limberick                



Keeping mute, this tart thinks she is nifty;                
And with rocking, she tries to be thrifty;                  
When he slips her his bone,                                 
He can make this babe moan,                                 
If he pays her a counterfeit fifty!                         
                                                            
31868 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



A canny old hooker named Gwynne,                            
Who wrote the whole casebook on sin,                        
Devised a new system:                                       
She wined them and kissed 'em,                              
But soaked them for sticking it in.                         
                                                            
31869 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Armand E Singer       643



A bordello bum from Suburbus                                
Said, "These play-for-pay gals make me nervous.             
In exchange for some sex,                                   
They refuse to take checks,                                 
And that ain't the way they should serve us."               
                                                            
31870 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Grand Prix Lim  278      



Young Marsha is cute as a bunny;                            
She's bright and she's clever and funny.                    
But I've heard her say                                      
In her bright sunny way,                                    
"Look sonny, no money, no cunny!"                           
                                                            
31871 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            John Miller 0035         



I consider it almost as funny:                              
"What, no money?  How funny!  'Bye, Sonny!"                 
Please, folks, help me out                                  
Or I'll whimper and pout,                                   
Tell me which one is more on the money.                     
                                                            
31872 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



While travelling in the city of Pisa,                       
I met a gal beauty called Teresa.                           
But she wouldn't say "Yes"                                  
To American Express,                                        
And I'd forgotten to carry my Visa.                         
                                                            
31873 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Robert                   



I once wandered north to Quebec,                            
In search of a girl who would neck.                         
But I'd gone and forgotten                                  
My French was so rotten,                                    
So I settled instead for a Czech.                           
                                                            
31874 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Norm Storer         P0011



There was an old rounder, McGee,                            
Who thought he could dip his wick free.                     
But a harlot named Charlotte                                
Remarked with a snarl, "It                                  
Is business, not pleasure, for me."                         
                                                            
31875 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                G1826



When Young Mary, who came from Shootash,                    
Got mad, your balls she would mash,                         
If ever you laid her,                                       
And then never paid her.                                    
But boy, she was great if you'd cash.                       
                                                            
31876 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



Let's give credit to old harlot Klutz                       
For the way she sold ass -- it took guts.                   
With her added refinement,                                  
You could fuck on consignment,                              
And could pay after blowing your nuts.                      
                                                            
31877 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1569



You've traveled the whole desert through                    
Without drink, without sex, it is true.                     
But now an oasis                                            
Provides pleasant places                                    
For girls asking "One hump or two?"                         
                                                            
31878 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Laurence Perrine    P9504



A tired young trollop of Nome                               
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.                     
Eight miners came screwing,                                 
But she said, "Nothing doing;                               
One of you has to go home!"                                 
                                                            
31879 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Lims For Year - 01       



A hooker from Hull City Centre,                             
Refused to let a pimp represent her.                        
So she made do instead                                      
With a sign on her bed:                                     
Saying "Please can you pay as you enter!"                   
                                                            
31880 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



There was a young lady of Lucknow,                          
Who said, "If you don't have a buck now,                    
Then your credit is fine.                                   
Simply sign on this line.                                   
You can always pay later and fuck now."                     
                                                            
31881 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1587



For Pickett, a madam named Larket                           
Provided a place he could park it.                          
And then she told Pickett                                   
To pick up a ticket,                                        
Like customers at the meat market.                          
                                                            
31882 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1580



A doll who delights in seduction                            
Goes in now for real mass production.                       
She says, "Bring on the troops,                             
Which I'll service in groups!"                              
...Thus offering a big price reduction.                     
                                                            
31883 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Grand Prix Lim  374      



A busy young harlot named Lydio                             
Worked daily down at the Presidio.                          
On her recess siestal,                                      
This free-enterprise vestal                                 
Would rent out her "Masturobic" video.                      
                                                            
31884 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Arthur Deex         P9108



Messy Mollie sells tail in Tomales,                         
Saying, "I cater to men and their follies."                 
So when your natural urges                                  
Are surging for purges,                                     
See if what you pack fits in to Mollie's!                   
                                                            
31885 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Grand Prix Lim  995      



There once was a sailor named Drew,                         
Who would call a madam he knew.                             
As the mates went ashore,                                   
They'd be met by a whore,                                   
And she'd service the entire crew.                          
                                                            
31886 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Bob Birch           P9804



She was bold, she was hot, she was willing,                 
But she never forgot she was billing.                       
She set the time-clock                                      
The moment his cock                                         
Started that bump 'n grind drilling.                        
                                                            
31887 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



A hurry-up hooker named Vickie                              
Was the quintescent queen of the quickie;                   
She'd do a quick dance,                                     
Make you come in your pants,                                
Leaving you sullen and sticky!                              
                                                            
31888 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Writerman                



A prostitute nobody pities                                  
Gets down to the nitties and gritties:                      
She works alternate weeks                                   
In Ames and Twin Peaks --                                   
And is known as "The Tail of Two Cities?".                  
                                                            
31889 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Norm Storer         P9911



There once was a girl from St. Martin                       
Had hooters just like Dolly Parton.                         
On the door of her hut                                      
Was a sign that said "Slut",                                
Amd a ticket to number your hardon.                         
                                                            
31890 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Irish                    



"Though you paid me up front", hooker Flo                   
Told her client, "I'm still due some dough.                 
I felt, in gradations,                                      
Eleven pulsations,                                          
And I quoted you ten bucks a throe."                        
                                                            
31891 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT                                     



The new topless dress of Miss Ives                          
Is bound to disturb lots of lives...                        
Twenty lays she rates par                                   
When she hits a posh bar...                                 
And thirty in back-alley dives.                             
                                                            
31892 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Grand Prix Lim  133      



There was an old harlot named Tuck                          
who knew how to make a fast buck.                           
When she was in her prime,                                  
She took two at a time.                                     
One must say this took plenty of pluck.                     
                                                            
31893 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin            



A lady of pleasure named Joan                               
Drives around with a cellular phone.                        
She explains it is cheaper                                  
Than using a beeper                                         
And it doesn't deplete the ozone.                           
                                                            
31894 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Arthur Deex         P9011



There once was a tart from Toronto                          
Who was not very hard to get onto:                          
She would take to the hay                                   
Without any delay,                                          
And encourage each John to be pronto.                       
                                                            
31895 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Norm Storer              



A diligent hooker was Brenda,                               
But fellows all wanted addenda.                             
She told them, "Now quit,                                   
And give me some spit.                                      
I need to wash off my pudenda."                             
                                                            
31896 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Julia Strawn        P8808



"We're here," said two harlots of Daucus,                   
"To tour through the White House so raucous.                
And we have an obsession                                    
To see congress in session                                  
And to see if the Senate will caucus."                      
                                                            
31897 HOOKERS - EFFICIENT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1483



We miss the fat trollops of yore--                          
The doxy, the trull, and the whore;                         
The bawd and the chippie,                                   
Well-padded and hippy,                                      
The likes of whom peddle no more.                           
                                                            
31898 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                  G1892



Oh, the whorehouse of yore is no more,                      
And its passing we deeply deplore.                          
Its lack leave the horny                                    
Reading all that bad porny,                                 
Full of murder and rapine and gore.                         
                                                            
31899 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                  G1893



All hail, in our fond, foolish rhyme                        
To the plush whores of yore in their prime!                 
To the millions of dollies                                  
Whose sexual follies                                        
Ring down through the cathouse of Time!                     
                                                            
31900 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Grand Prix Lim  838 G1894



Hail the big meaty hooker of yore,                          
With her fanny as wide as the door!                         
She was probably smelly                                     
And wobbled like jelly,                                     
But her two-dollar price ain't no more.                     
                                                            
31901 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                 G1894a



To the tart and the doxy of yore,                           
The frail fille de joie and the whore,                      
The strumpet, the moll,                                     
The trollop and doll--                                      
May their harlotry wave evermore!                           
                                                            
31902 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                 G1894b



Last year I was down in Torino,                             
And I met there a charming albino;                          
Her hair it did grow                                        
As white as the snow,                                       
And we chatted and drank capuccino.                         
                                                            
31903 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



We went home unto her apartment,                            
And were soon in the sleeping compartment,                  
But as in this forum                                        
We speak with decorum,                                      
I'll tell you not of our disportment.                       
                                                            
31904 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



For hours on her bed we were basking,                       
The thin walls our cries little masking,                    
And for her compliance                                      
In the interests of science,                                
I'm glad, for I knew you'd be asking...                     
                                                            
31905 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



The thing that you all want to know:                        
What color's her hair down below?                           
But here's an omission,                                     
For I'm on commission,                                      
10%, so you'd all better go.                                
                                                            
31906 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



You'll find her in Giuseppi's bar,                          
In a low cut blouse, wearing no bra,                        
And she'll do as you please,                                
For reasonable fees,                                        
You'll find her a sexual star.                              
                                                            
31907 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



The hooker, she strolls down the street;                    
She is very light on her feet.                              
She just seems to fly                                       
On heels one foot high;                                     
She vamps every man she does meet.                          
                                                            
31908 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Marlene                  



She's sexy and saucy to boot,                               
With one hell of a pair of hoot-                            
Ers that bounce                                             
And nary an ounce                                           
Of fat where she's packing her loot.                        
                                                            
31909 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Arden                    



In the fleshpots of North Labrador                          
Lived a fat and voluptuous whore.                           
Contagiously jolly,                                         
The nicknamed her Olly                                      
Because of her asking for more.                             
                                                            
31910 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Hugh Oliver           22d



A haunter of hookshops named Guy                            
Remarked with a glint in his eye:                           
"I've found amongst hookers                                 
Damn few good lookers--                                     
But it's ass, and not face that I buy.                      
                                                            
31911 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                  G1801



In Scotland far out on the moor,                            
As shown in Gook's travel brochure,                         
Lives a harlot named Fitch                                  
With her niche for the rich                                 
And her asshole for those that are poor.                    
                                                            
31912 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1611



The harlot Minette winked her eye                           
At a sailor in blue walking by;                             
He slowed down by her side.                                 
She said, "How 'bout a ride?"                               
He responded with vigor, "Aye aye!"                         
                                                            
31913 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              LaDonna Jones       P8503



A rich C.E.O., Jimmy Vought,                                
Far-famed for solutions he sought,                          
To old to be choosy,                                        
Just rented a floozy --                                     
For sex, unlike love, can be bought.                        
                                                            
31914 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Armand E Singer       858



Many cities have no constitution                            
To prevent prevalent street prostitution.                   
As curb crawlers cruise by,                                 
The girls their trade ply.                                  
Do the police really try prosecution?                       
                                                            
31915 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Arthur Pattaffy          



"Competition is lively, all right,                          
In our neck of the woods," declared Dwight.                 
"It gives us a break,                                       
For the prostitutes take                                    
Double coupons on Saturday night."                          
                                                            
31916 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              A. N. Wilkins       P8503



There once was a trollop from Dallas,                       
Who loved getting diddled with phallus.                     
She squealed with delight                                   
When it was done just right,                                
And she felt like a Queen of the Palace.                    
                                                            
31917 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A clever Dutch hooker named Sweet                           
Displays at her window her meat.                            
The normal reaction                                         
Is quick tumefaction                                        
From men passing by in the street.                          
                                                            
31918 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Armand E Singer       417



At the whorehouse, the homely Miss Bright                   
Tallied tricks that went clear out of sight.                
Her outstanding feature:                                    
This former schoolteacher                                   
Made you practice till you got it RIGHT!                    
                                                            
31919 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              John Miller 0104         



An expert old harlot named Lize,                            
New methods of sex did devise.                              
After Phil Noble had her                                    
On each rung of the ladder,                                 
Her award was the "Noble Piece Prize".                      
(Fillmore P Noble pseudonym of Albin Chaplin)               
31920 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin            



Said the happy old hooker, Miss Pease,                      
"On my job I'm as free as the breeze.                       
When my day's work is done,                                 
It's been all poking fun,                                   
And I come and I go as I please."                           
                                                            
31921 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin            



When the hooker asked "What'll it be?"                      
Young John got embarrassed, you see.                        
So instead of just telling,                                 
He opted for spelling:                                      
"Starts with F, ends with K, don't U C?"                    
                                                            
31922 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Wiley                    



There was a young cocksman named Krupp,                     
Whom a harlot got awfully keyed up.                         
He unzipped in great style,                                 
But outstripped her a mile;                                 
Then paused so that she could catch up.                     
                                                            
31923 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0631



A fool and his money once started                           
To explore into places unchartered.                         
But let's not be cruel,                                     
He's not such a fool --                                     
'Twas her legs that this fool's money parted.               
                                                            
31924 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Neal Wilgus         P8511



A young girl named Molly Malone,                            
Spends much of her time on the phone.                       
For just $3.99                                              
You can have a good time,                                   
But for fifty, she'll come to your home!                    
                                                            
31925 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              John H                   



There was a young fellow named Clark,                       
Who decided that sex was a lark.                            
Since he couldn't endure                                    
The sight of a whore,                                       
He would always make love in the dark.                      
                                                            
31926 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Isaac Asimov             



A prim Texan, when caught in sin's vortex,                  
Would mutter, "Let go of that whore, Tex.                   
You must never employ her,                                  
You don't really enjoy her,                                 
That pleasure is just in your cortex."                      
                                                            
31927 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Isaac Asimov             



I knew a tart called Kate,                                  
Who stayed out with men until late.                         
He'd give a cough;                                          
Her knickers come off;                                      
To get shagging, they just couldn't wait                    
                                                            
31928 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



I picked her up right on the corner;                        
Explained to her that I was hornier                         
Than hell at the time,                                      
Though it was a crime.                                      
She said she's a true double-jointer.                       
                                                            
31929 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



We went to the "Lights-Out" Motel:                          
A place I guess she knew well:                              
The clerk knew her name,                                    
He called her, "Lady Pain,"                                 
I gazed at her ass and thought, "Swell."                    
                                                            
31930 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



She checked us into a dim room,                             
Where I caught a whiff of perfume.                          
My tool got all stiffy,                                     
In less than a jiffy;                                       
I glanced at my watch, it was noon.                         
                                                            
31931 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



She threw me right down on the bed,                         
Where she started giving 'French Head'.                     
I said, "I speak no French",                                
As she took every inch,                                     
Ahh...cest'-la-vie, her lips were red.                      
                                                            
31932 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



My eyes rolled back to the ceiling,                         
At the two-toned paint that was peeling                     
Off the walls, in flakes;                                   
Then I got the shakes;                                      
My toes curled; my head started reeling.                    
                                                            
31933 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



My groans could be heard down the halls,                    
As she got a death-grip on my balls.                        
She had one in each hand,                                   
Which felt so damn grand,                                   
That my fingernails peeled paint off the walls.             
                                                            
31934 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



She finished her trick with a suck;                         
I asked her to stay for a fuck.                             
She said, "I gotta go.                                      
"By the hour, you know.                                     
And you're out of money."  Bad luck!                        
                                                            
31935 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



There was a young prostitute chubby,                        
Whose work left her sweaty and grubby.                      
But this sensible girlie                                    
Every day would leave early,                                
For she saved the last piece for her hubby.                 
                                                            
31936 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1469



A sailor who came from the Keys                             
Had plowed through the heaviest seas,                       
And survived every one,                                     
But a harlot named Dunn                                     
Left him wobbly and weak in the knees.                      
                                                            
31937 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1563



The pious old harlot named Dix,                             
Each time before turning her tricks,                        
On her knees she would pray                                 
To gain strength for the lay,                               
And thanked the good Lord for stiff pricks.                 
                                                            
31938 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1492



Said a pretty young whore, name of Mave,                    
"My pussy is deep as a nave.                                
Old men and bridegrooms                                     
Have tasted mushrooms                                       
That grow in the dark in my cave."                          
                                                            
31939 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tom Patton          P9803



Necrophilia and the burning of farts!                       
We're neglecting our resident tarts!                        
They're alive and they're moaning                           
For overdue boning!                                         
Let's slam-dunk their warm joyful parts!                    
                                                            
31940 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Allen Wolverton          



A young two-bit harlot named Shorter                        
Was had by an elderly porter.                               
Though her price was quite low,                             
He put on such a show,                                      
No one asked for, nor gave any quarter.                     
                                                            
31941 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin            



An ecology zealot's ambitions                               
To control atmospheric conditions,                          
Caused a fellow to pay                                      
For a lay every day,                                        
To reduce his nocturnal emissions.                          
                                                            
31942 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A happy young whore from Milpitas                           
Said, "Man has found nothing to beat us.                    
Golf, fishing, and fights                                   
All have their delights,                                    
But nothing beats good old coitus."                         
                                                            
31943 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Grand Prix Lim  426 G0131



How much is the price of a screw?                           
I'd double it, if I could have you.                         
Can't pay you today,                                        
But thought that I may                                      
Deposit, before I withdrew.                                 
                                                            
31944 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



There was an old fellow of Fordham,                         
Who said, "We must thank God for whoredom.                  
It's a matter not trifling,                                 
For some wives are so stifling,                             
Their men would soon be dead of boredom."                   
                                                            
31945 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2054



From Nogales, young Corporal Warder                         
Spent his three-day-pass south of the border.               
Satiated he got                                             
And he said from his cot,                                   
"Temporarily, I'm out of ardor."                            
                                                            
31946 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who liked to slip out of her clothes                        
When receiving a gent,                                      
Which helped pay the rent                                   
And kept her amused, I suppose.                             
                                                            
31947 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              John Ciardi              



Now the "tricks of the trade" are for sale,                 
And Penthouse has put up a bale                             
Of cash for a centerfold,                                   
In hopes to be oversold                                     
When the rag of all rags tells the tale.                    
                                                            
31948 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Ystap              TP9802



There once was a lady named Lilly,                          
With a craving to walk Piccadilly.                          
She said, "Ain't it funny,                                  
It's not for the money,                                     
But if I don't take it, it's silly!"                        
                                                            
31949 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                 G1851a



With the posse still hot on his trail,                      
He was tempted by nookie for sale.                          
So the Kid went to bed                                      
With a price on his head,                                   
With a girl with a price on her tail.                       
                                                            
31950 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



There once was a dame from Des Moines                       
Who was skilled in the use of her loins;                    
Why, they were so active,                                   
Men found them attractive,                                  
And rented them nightly for coins.                          
                                                            
31951 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Norm Storer         P9706



The bordello resounded with knells                          
And wild pealings as mademoiselles,                         
Suzette, Mimi, and Flo,                                     
Said "Bon, Quasimodo,                                       
You're certainly ringing our bells!"                        
                                                            
31952 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



An ugly old whore from Murmansk                             
Said, "Pyotr, may I have this Gdansk?                       
Why, lover, your dinki                                      
Would stretch to Helsinki!                                  
How does it all fit in your pantsk?"                        
                                                            
31953 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Ericka                   



Then there was the girl from Kamchatka,                     
With bosom exceedingly flatka.                              
But old Doctor Vlad,                                        
Said "Da, them I'll pad                                     
With flesh from the place where you're satka."              
                                                            
31954 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tiddy Ogg                



So Vlad now has most hollow cheeks,                         
While Olga sprouts lovely twin peaks.                       
That girl misconstrued,                                     
But lest he be sued,                                        
His face gave the padding she seeks.                        
                                                            
31955 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tiddy Ogg                



You're certainly my kind of slut,                           
Girl, curvaceous of bosom and butt;                         
So get down with your rump                                  
In the air for a hump,                                      
And a glorious seasonal rut.                                
                                                            
31956 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



Too many women get called whore,                            
Just because of the sign on the door.                       
I say, What the heck!                                       
Be politically correct!                                     
How 'bout 'Sexual Ambassador?"                              
                                                            
31957 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



The couple had just had great sex,                          
With hickeys all over their necks.                          
He said, "What can I do                                     
To prove I love you?"                                       
She said, "Visa or Master; No AmEx"                         
                                                            
31958 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



His love life had just turned to ash,                       
But he said with returning panache:                         
"To you this is business,                                   
If that's all that this is,                                 
I deserve a small discount for cash."                       
                                                            
31959 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



Genital shrinkage, I think,                                 
Has little to do with your drink.                           
More likely disease                                         
From women of ease...                                       
It's there that I'd search for the link.                    
                                                            
31960 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tutta Gioia              



My genitals haven't yet shrunk,                             
And my pecker I've never yet sunk                           
Into women of ease;                                         
So I'm free from disese.                                    
Now withdraw your suggestions, you skunk!                   
                                                            
31961 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tutta Gioia              



I'm so glad your balls are intact,                          
That you've never once paid for the act.                    
I can't say the same,                                       
Having rented a dame                                        
In Hong Kong one night when just whacked.                   
                                                            
31962 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tutta Gioia              



I must say 'twas money well spent,                          
For Asians their pleasures augment                          
In such fabulous ways                                       
Which in all of my days,                                    
I could never have hoped to invent.                         
                                                            
31963 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tutta Gioia              



A hooker named Mollie McGuire                               
Wore a sign on her chest, "SEX FOR HIRE,"                   
Which kept her so busy,                                     
She was frequently dizzy,                                   
But it still didn't put out the fire.                       
                                                            
31964 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Grand Prix Lim  906      



A seasoned old harlot named Gleason                         
Remarked, "No young lad outdoes me, son."                   
But so long did one stay                                    
That the harlot said, "Say,                                 
Don't you think we should stop for a pee, son?"             
                                                            
31965 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1530



A lovely successful young whore,                            
Whom all the men greatly adore,                             
Said "Part of my fame                                       
Is due to my name.                                          
Mother named me "Pussy Andmore!"                            
                                                            
31966 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Evelyn L                 



Heroics are needed now, Buster;                             
So gather what strength you can muster,                     
And sing your 'swan song'                                   
As you slide your dong                                      
In Sydney's best whore and then thrust her!                 
                                                            
31967 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



A whore on a boat on Lake Michigan                          
Said, "Reaching shore will fulfill my one wish again.       
Just get to Chicago                                         
Let my panties and bra go                                   
And let guys at my tits and my knish again."                
                                                            
31968 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Bob Giandomenico    P8802



An old man with a very big pension,                         
Found a way to relieve all his tension.                     
He'd hire a girl or two                                     
And then make them do                                       
Many things that I don't dare to mention.                   
                                                            
31969 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tom Patton          P0204



In love with his work was old Kropp;                        
A whorehouse he cleaned with a mop.                         
He liked this job best                                      
And he worked with great zest,                              
For he loved to hear harlots talk shop.                     
                                                            
31970 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2146



A streetwalker once took a room                             
Just next to a lad who was groom                            
To a stallion camp                                          
And was well used to tamp.                                  
Her busman's (great) holiday'll loom.                       
                                                            
31971 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Bill Backe-Hansen   P8709



She was caught, a young girl of Eutoxeter,                  
In flagrante delicto, two Jocks at her.                     
As the customers came,                                      
Cameras clicked (to their shame)                            
And the photos were captioned "Two-Cocks Satyr"!            
                                                            
31972 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tim Hopkins              



There once was a girl named Victoria,                       
The noisiest whore in Pretoria,                             
She's writhe under guys                                     
'Neath South African skies;                                 
Her screams could be heard in Peoria.                       
                                                            
31973 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Tiddy Ogg                



In Illinois there is Peoria,                                
A very long way from Pretoria.                              
As that awsome sound                                        
Travels the world around,                                   
It must have been some great euphoria.                      
                                                            
31974 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              CM                       



Said a candid old hooker named Min,                         
"I just love having men shove it in.                        
It's warm and it's filling;                                 
They pay and that's thrilling --                            
Partial pay for the wages of sin."                          
                                                            
31975 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Armand E Singer       577



There was a rich old roue,                                  
Who felt himself slipping away.                             
He endowed a large ward,                                    
In a house where he'd whored.                               
Was there a crowd at his funeral?  I'll say!                
                                                            
31976 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                  L1053



An able young harlot named Bobby                            
Was asked by a man in the lobby,                            
If her husband did moan                                     
When she took her work home;                                
She said, "Yes, but my work is my hobby!"                   
                                                            
31977 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1451



A Japanese whore showed affection                           
To powerful men with direction.                             
Once while he was lovin' her                                
She said to the governor,                                   
"I'm working for your re-erection!"                         
                                                            
31978 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Peter Piper         T9710



"I'll help you to soften your bone;                         
I'll wriggle and then I will moan.                          
But I won't do it for money,                                
But then again, honey,                                      
I'll accept a permanent loan!"                              
                                                            
31979 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Archie                   



"I think it can only compare                                
With my notion of old Marie Dare                            
Demanding good money                                        
From one Herrick Bunney                                     
To insert you-know-what you-know where."                    
                                                            
31980 HOOKERS - ENJOYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Looky, Looky, Looky. It's a hooker!                         
At Hollywood and Vine, what a looker!                       
A ravishing young starlet                                   
Becomes today's harlot;                                     
How long before she's overlooker?                           
                                                            
31981 HOOKERS - ENJOYED                                       



There was a Young Lady of Parma,                            
Who conduct grew calmer and calmer;                         
When they said, "Are you dumb?"                             
She merely said, "Ho hum!                                   
I'm a 500 buck a night charmer.                             
                                                            
31982 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Edwardian Leer 045       



Joe spent his last dime on the lottery...                   
And WON!  Now, since girls find Joe hotter, he              
Is free with his dough,                                     
And wouldn't you know,                                      
Joe's spent his last dime on their twattery!                
                                                            
31983 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



An expensive young tart of Orilla                           
Had a hundred perversions to thrill ya.                     
After only two weeks                                        
Of her oral techniques,                                     
"You'll be all over come, when I bill ya."                  
                                                            
31984 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Keith MacMillan       69b



It's easy to catch me, my dear,                             
First whisper sweet things in my ear;                       
Take me out to dine;                                        
Bring bottles of wine;                                      
And put all your money right here.                          
                                                            
31985 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



Said her suitor, "You're cute as a bunny!                   
Will you be my Valentine, Honey?                            
You have stolen my heart!"                                  
But she answered (quell tart!)                              
"I'd really prefer all your money!"                         
                                                            
31986 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Robin K. Willoughby P8405



Said Earp, a descendant of Wyatt,                           
"I bi-sexual now. You should try it."                       
What he meant to say--                                      
Let me put it this way:                                     
When he want's to have sex, he must buy it.                 
                                                            
31987 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            William N. Nesbit   P9607



Though in bed, my girl's simply exquisite,                  
She is otherwise harshly explicit.                          
"You know that your thing                                   
Makes me jump up and sing --                                
But bring lots of money, next visit."                       
                                                            
31988 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Norm Storer              



The call girl drops in twice a week...                      
The neighbors have all ceased to speak.                     
I regret Mrs. Wray                                          
Getting stuffy that way,                                    
For she's really the lay that I seek.                       
                                                            
31989 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim  136      



To the Call Girl we doff our chapeau,                       
For though she must trot to her dough,                      
She appears, day or night,                                  
For Man's sexy delight...                                   
And he comes without having to go.                          
                                                            
31990 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim   13      



There was an old fellow of Michigan,                        
Who said, "Oh, I wish I were rich again,                    
But each time I'm ahead,                                    
I jump into bed,                                            
With that rotten old gold-digging bitch again."             
                                                            
31991 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Isaac Asimov        P0202



A whore on the railroad, Miss Burrage,                      
The overtime screw would discourage.                        
A conductor named Tiding                                    
Fucked too long on the siding,                              
So she charged the old fellow demurrage.                    
                                                            
31992 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1463



"Were your services worth the amount                        
That the plaintiff paid out on account?"                    
"Your Honor," she said,                                     
"Just come to my bed,                                       
And I think you'll confirm the amount."                     
                                                            
31993 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Lance Payne         P8503



Though an indigent student of Keys                          
Was inflamed by the thought of their knees,                 
He preferred not to meet                                    
The girls of the street,                                    
Since he couldn't afford their high fees.                   
                                                            
31994 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            A. N. Wilkins       P8311



Some hookers who peddle today                               
Charge a cool hundred bucks for a lay!                      
With the average guy in it                                  
For less than a minute,                                     
Who today can say "Crime Doesn't Pay!"                      
                                                            
31995 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim   16      



There's a broken down whore from Marseilles,                
With a cunt twice the size of a whale's;                    
Now this misguided jade                                     
Rarely gets any trade                                       
For she wants the top rate that prevails.                   
                                                            
31996 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Armand E Singer       883



A harlot of note named LeDux,                               
Would always charge seventy bucks.                          
But for that she would suck you,                            
And wink-off and fuck you,                                  
The whole thing was simply deluxe!                          
                                                            
31997 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



Some potent extractions of ergot                            
Plus dinners and jewels and fur, got                        
A couple of nights                                          
Of imagined delights,                                       
Which he thought were superb, but he "fergot"...            
                                                            
31998 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            John E Mayhood      P0108



A businesslike whore of St. Paul,                           
Was asked by a fellow with gall,                            
"For a five will you deal?"                                 
So she gave him a feel.                                     
And said, "Do it yourself in the hall."                     
                                                            
31999 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1650



A Britain-backing bawd name of Maud,                        
All loyal Britons will applaud.                             
For she went to the States,                                 
Where she charged double rates,                             
Thus earning many dollars abroad.                           
                                                            
32000 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                G2711



The expensive and elegant whore                             
Exhibits an open back door.                                 
"It's tighter," she said,                                   
"Than front or the head.                                    
So therefore I charge fifty more"                           
                                                            
32001 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



A Yank in Vietnam name Moe,                                 
Once said, "It's painful to know                            
That what these girls sell                                  
Is expenseive as hell--                                     
They'd have done it for nothing for Ho.                     
(Ho = Ho Chi Minh, leader of North Vietnam)                 
32002 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                G1837



Hey girls!  Yes, you heard me a-right.                      
That's five hundred dollars a night,                        
By downloading spunk                                        
From all blokes, from a hunk                                
To a puny spam poster, who might...                         
                                                            
32003 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



With a great deal of help launch his seed,                  
But spammers cannot ever breed,                             
By fucking great tarts,                                     
Their wee shrivelled parts                                  
Will only react to dumb greed.                              
                                                            
32004 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



A dignified harlot of Dimmage                               
Would caution each man in the scrimmage,                    
There'd be less of a bind                                   
If they acted refined,                                      
So that no one would fuck up her image.                     
                                                            
32005 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin 3024  P8704



A hooker named Little Miss Muffet                           
Spent most of her time on her tuffet.                       
She was paid so well,                                       
That her whole clientele                                    
Were Bill Gates and his friend Warren Buffet.               
                                                            
32006 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



There was an old harlot named Blake                         
Whose price made a young sailor quake.                      
He had thought to complain,                                 
But he found in the main,                                   
That she gave all the lads a fair shake.                    
                                                            
32007 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1449



At a second-rate bordello in France                         
An unhappy client named Nance                               
Cried, "It's robbery to pay                                 
What you ask for a lay,                                     
But I'll pay, when you give me my pants.                    
                                                            
32008 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim  726      



We've got this damn energy crisis                           
And terrible gasoline prices.                               
Now even the whore                                          
Wants to charge me much more,                               
So I've given up lights, gas and vices.                     
                                                            
32009 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Bob Birch           P0107



A school marm from old Mississippi,                         
Had a quim that was simply zippy.                           
The scholars all praised it,                                
'Till finally she raised it                                 
To prices befitting a chippy.                               
                                                            
32010 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                L1038



A man short of cash name of Cliff                           
Told a whore that her price was too stiff.                  
So he asked how much fuck                                   
He could get for a buck,                                    
And she told him she'd give him a sniff.                    
                                                            
32011 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1470



Her breasts were large melons so sweet,                     
Her cunt was an oven of heat.                               
Her lips were fresh honey,                                  
That said, "Pay me money."                                  
Her ears heard my scampering feet.                          
                                                            
32012 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Travis Brasell           



In Paris, a gal with great stems                            
Was a beautiful, long-legged femme.                         
Her skirt it was short,                                     
And she was heard to report,                                
It cost fifty to get past the hem.                          
                                                            
32013 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Corkey Bailey            



If a man gives no thought to the score                      
And carelessly picks up a whore,                            
And he lacks self-control,                                  
He'll end up in the hole,                                   
For seventy-five dollars or more.                           
                                                            
32014 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-2284



Did you hear that story 'bout Betty?                        
She made that fortune gettin' sweaty,                       
While doing her job                                         
On the shriveled knob,                                      
Belonging to one J. Paul Getty.                             
                                                            
32015 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



There was a young girl from Alaska,                         
Who could, and she would, if you asked her.                 
But she thought she was nice,                               
And so high was her price,                                  
That no one could have her, save Jesus H. Christ.           
(And, occasionally, John Jacob Astor.)                      
32016 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



There was a young girl from Lancaster,                      
Who'd do anything anyone asked her.                         
But when she got spliced,                                   
She got so high-priced,                                     
Only Jesus H. Christ and John Jacob Astor.                  
                                                            
32017 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                L0989



There was a young lady named Bastor,                        
Who always said "No" when they asked her.                   
But she took down her britches                              
For rich sons of bitches,                                   
Like Morgan and John Jacob Astor.                           
                                                            
32018 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                G1737



A freewheeling filly named Gail,                            
As a swell sex relief, cannot fail.                         
Though she's full of pizzaz                                 
And all of that jazz,                                       
She still demands kale for her tail.                        
                                                            
32019 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim  391      



An expensive young harlot named Ann,                        
Just can't bear to say no to a man.                         
So for five bucks a week,                                   
She allows us a peek,                                       
On what she calls her lay-away plan.                        
                                                            
32020 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            John Ciardi              



There was a rich wastrel named Burleigh,                    
Who, more than one thought a tad squirrelly;                
He'd pay megabucks                                          
For superclass fucks,                                       
But jump off too soon and leave early.                      
                                                            
32021 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Armand E Singer       699



A greedy young whore of Marseille                           
Would fuck by night or by day.                              
She sucked the men's cocks                                  
To buy Kimberly rocks,                                      
And swore to make every lay pay.                            
(Kimberly rocks - diamonds)                                 
32022 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                G1833



Said the lady of fine sleek contour,                        
To the lusting Frenchman, "Monsieur,                        
Give me cheque blanque,                                     
To fill out with franc,                                     
And whatever your ask, I will do her."                      
                                                            
32023 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Ken Bonnel               



Way back as a young man in the service,                     
My first time with a whore, quite nervous,                  
I asked the lady                                            
Can I get it for free?                                      
Her response was not very courteous.                        
                                                            
32024 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



I said to the neighborhood whore,                           
"How's my credit?"  She showed me the door.                 
It gets hard for a bloke,                                   
When he's friendless and broke.                             
But I guess that's the fate of the poor.                    
                                                            
32025 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            John Ciardi              



There once was a man from Peru                              
Who wanted a fifteen cent screw.                            
"I ain't no hardware store,"                                
Said the first approached whore,                            
"So it'll cost a lot more, now, to you."                    
                                                            
32026 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Phil T                   



A badly broke fellow named Joe                              
Said, "Experience will show, and I know...                  
You get nooky galore                                        
In ANY love store,                                          
But it's hard, when you haven't the dough."                 
                                                            
32027 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim  484      



The cheap whorehouse of yore is no more                     
And its dying we deeply deplore.                            
For today, high tail prices                                 
Turn teenagers to vices,                                    
Like murder, rape, pillage, and gore.                       
                                                            
32028 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim  916 P9511



This geezer, besotted with Maddie,                          
Bought her a spanking new Caddy.                            
That night at the mansion,                                  
During penile expansion,                                    
Maddie cried, "No sugar, Daddy!"                            
                                                            
32029 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Jim Weaver Collection    



An ambitious young trull named McPherson                    
Leased the sexual right to her person                       
To rich Arab sheiks                                         
And other sex freaks,                                       
And left the rest of us ravin' and cursin'.                 
                                                            
32030 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                G1827



Jay moaned on the phone, "Listen, Georgia,                  
I'd love to, but I can't afforgia.                          
I simply can't pay                                          
Fifty bucks for a lay,                                      
Which is why, for three months, I ain't borgia!"            
                                                            
32031 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Grand Prix Lim  993      



You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!                       
Your wife knows how often you pleased her;                  
That cute little whore                                      
In down town Singapore;                                     
You should have used cash, not your VISA!                   
                                                            
32032 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Friar                    



Said a whore to a fellow named Meyer,                       
"It is fifty for fucking me, sire."                         
"I'll save money," he swore,                                
So he married the whore,                                    
But he found that the price was now higher.                 
                                                            
32033 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1607



No cash to buy ass had McDuff;                              
Said the whore with a laugh, "That is tough."               
To him trousers she threw,                                  
As she bid him adieu.                                       
"You can have one," she said, "on the cuff."                
                                                            
32034 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1591



A handsome young lad of Carmel                              
Wouldn't buy what the girls had to sell,                    
Unless given it twice        (Since at sex he was through)  
At one-third the price,      (In a minute or two)           
So the girls shrugged and said, "Go to hell."               
                                                            
32035 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Isaac Asimov             



There once was a wench, I am told,                          
Who sold favors only for gold.                              
She'd do anything nice                                      
For the right price,                                        
But for silver she went dead cold.                          
                                                            
32036 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Arwen McDouball          



A girl who for virtue could care not                        
Was as tough and as tight as a square knot.                 
She only would lay                                          
Spurred by plenty of pay,                                   
By an old millionaire who had hair not.                     
                                                            
32037 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Chairman Steve           



There was a streetwalker discreet                           
Who would not cut her price for a treat,                    
For she said, prices low                                    
Would not bring enough dough,                               
And she'd find herself out on the street.                   
                                                            
32038 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1490



There was an old madam named Bates                          
Superbly endowed by the fates.                              
She was in such demand,                                     
If you got out of hand,                                     
She would charge you the overtime rates.                    
                                                            
32039 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin            



There's a very sweet girl named Louise                      
Whose sex-play is certain to please.                        
Her charms are unique,                                      
Likewise her technique,                                     
But she charges prohibitive fees.                           
                                                            
32040 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Isaac Asimov             



I once wooed a gal in a Jeep                                
And hoped a reward I would reap.                            
I pitched my best woo                                       
And she said she'd like to,                                 
But dammit, her price was too steep.                        
                                                            
32041 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Neal Wilgus         P8405



"The price," said the whore from Livonia,                   
"Is fifty, and I'll have to phone ya."                      
Said the fellow named Reese,                                
"I just came for a piece,                                   
And I really do not want to own ya."                        
                                                            
32042 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1584



The lady from old Abu Dhabi                                 
Whose edacity rivalled Dear Abby,                           
And with hooters prodigious,                                
Wooing verged on religious,                                 
So her income remaind far above shabby.                     
                                                            
32043 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Robert Elliot            



Poor Morris, whose pals called him Dick,                    
(A name that pure logic would pick)                         
Enjoyed making merry                                        
Partaking of Sherry,                                        
At two hundred dollars a trick!                             
                                                            
32044 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Jim Weaver Collection    



My friend Willy's mom's a great fuck,                       
And on Mondays, it's only a buck.                           
There is no wine and dine,                                  
Just wait there in line.                                    
But I'm broke, therefore Shit-Out-Of-Luck.                  
                                                            
32045 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Frijole             T9711



To the call-girl went horny young Mahler,                   
But her price made the poor fellow holler.                  
So he said, "I would pay                                    
The high bucks for a lay,                                   
If your pussy would shrink like the dollar."                
                                                            
32046 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1595



I read in the paper today                                   
Of call girls and high rates of pay.                        
When choosing vocation,                                     
Forget education,                                           
Teach your daughters to be a good lay!                      
                                                            
32047 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0302



Said the harlot to stockbroker Lynch,                       
"My ass is ten dollars per inch."                           
Said Lynch, "You have blundered;                            
That makes two hundred,                                     
But I won't pay a cent if you flinch."                      
                                                            
32048 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0526



There once was this lady from Tyre,                         
Who filled every man with desire.                           
Ten quid was enough                                         
For your back seat stuff,                                   
But fees for one night were much higher.                    
                                                            
32049 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Tim Hopkins              



In a paint ball action most crude,                          
Little Bambi is stalked in the nude.                        
"Gotcha!" yelled he.                                        
"Ten thousand!" cried she,                                  
"And then I am yours to be screwed."                        
                                                            
32050 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            The Sailor          P0308



Il y avait une demoiselle d'Aix                             
Qui demanda, "Mas qu'est-ce que c'est--SEX?"                
Une vielle dit, "Je sais!                                   
C'est ce que cherchent les Anglais,                         
Mais n'acceptez pas travellers' cheques!"                   
                                                            
32051 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Peter Seward        G1733



Oh Maggie, you sly little lass,                             
You've shown us "hot stuff" under glass.                    
Our senses perplex,                                         
With visions of sex,                                        
But high price for 'tumble on grass'.                       
                                                            
32052 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE                                     



They call her the lay of the land;                          
Each session's a modest 2 grand.                            
Prolonged penile pleasure                                   
Makes her a real treasure.                                  
Men come at her express command.                            
                                                            
32053 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Esther Koch         P9911



There's a girl up at Three Valley Lake                      
Who is said to be "not hard to take."                       
All you need, I've been told                                
Is two ounces of gold,                                      
Some champagne, and a porterhouse steak.                    
                                                            
32054 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            John E Mayhood      P0900



When invading UK in the war,                                
US Forces had money galore.                                 
And this was the lark;                                      
Any whore and house shark                                   
Could charge up twice over and more.                        
                                                            
32055 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Bill Backe-Hansen   P8901



A Los Angeles hooker named Fay                              
Said, "My game is playing for pay.                          
Though my prices are high,                                  
Men will pay because I                                      
Always bring lots of skill to L.A."                         
                                                            
32056 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Bob Giandomenico    P8805



Another young girl named Louise                             
Would hand out her personal keys                            
To handsome young men,                                      
Every now and again,                                        
But only for very high fees.                                
                                                            
32057 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Isaac Asimov             



A soft-hearted harlot named Bryce                           
Was fucking a gentleman nice.                               
He was ready to blow                                        
When she let the man know                                   
She expected an increase in price.                          
                                                            
32058 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin   3024-2946



There was a young fellow named Doak;                        
Fate played upon him a cruel joke.                          
His wife had an obsession                                   
For her former profession,                                  
And she charged him until he went broke.                    
                                                            
32059 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Albin Chaplin            



Most men looked at her charms and said, "Nice!"             
They would call for a date once or twice.                   
But though they adored her,                                 
Few could afford her,                                       
'Cause this chick worked for Heidi Fleiss!                  
(HF - Hollywood madam of early 1990's)                      
32060 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            Ann Gasser          P9408



"Shall we?" said Fred pinching Flo,                         
"Or are you as pure as the snow?"                           
"That's two questions," said she,                           
"And my answer must be                                      
--If you've got fifty bucks--yes and no."                   
                                                            
32061 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE            John Ciardi              



"Give in to your filthy desires?                            
I should say not!" cried snotty Miss Myers.                 
"The only thing free                                        
I do with it is pee --                                      
As for fucking, I've dozens of buyers."                     
                                                            
32062 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES                       G1771



The erotic desires of Miss Myers                            
Required a great many suppliers.                            
When she found, in late years,                              
Far too few volunteers,                                     
She brought in a pimp, who got buyers.                      
                                                            
32063 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Linda Marsh Coll         



At the brothel the other day                                
A whore said I would have to pay,                           
Not by the trick                                            
Or the length of my prick,                                  
But according to the pounds that I weigh.                   
                                                            
32064 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Puff Adder               



Now I admit to carry some weight,                           
As a result of cleaning my plate.                           
But a sudden brain wave                                     
Told me how I could save,                                   
If I just went honme to masturbate.                         
                                                            
32065 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Puff Adder               



Another girl wanted pay by the minute;                      
In other words, how long I was in it.                       
That's cheap as I reckons,                                  
If she'll prorate the seconds;                              
A minute is way past my limit.                              
                                                            
32066 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Puff Adder               



I asked if a million would do                               
For Jenny to give me a screw.                               
She thought for a trice,                                    
Then said she'd be nice,                                    
And probably suck on it too.                                
                                                            
32067 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES                            



So I asked if a fin would repay                             
The cost of said contracted lay.                            
She grew quite irate,                                       
And yelled at me, "Mate,                                    
Just ain't gonna happen, no way!"                           
                                                            
32068 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES                            



"And just what", she questioned with ice,                   
"Do you think I am? Be concise!"                            
My answer did scar:                                         
"We know what you are.                                      
We're now on to dickering price!"                           
                                                            
32069 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES                            



You know just what Jenny is, right?                         
It will get you nowhere tonight.                            
To pander to greed,                                         
And then just proceed                                       
Over money to start a big fight.                            
                                                            
32070 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES                            



This Jenny might be a soiled dove,                          
But she's right to give you the shove.                      
Because you're so cheap                                     
No way could you keep,                                      
Her in the high-class style she'd love.                     
                                                            
32071 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES                            



Now that you know what Jenny is                             
I think you should take this short quiz:                    
You've offered to pay,                                      
So what would you say                                       
That means 'bout your lure to a Ms.?                        
                                                            
32072 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES                            



"Is it thou?" "Ay," cries Fra Lippo Lippi,                  
"Zooks, lass, 'tis confoundedly nippy.                      
But slip out of your gown,                                  
And I'll give you a crown,                                  
Or two more, But we'd best make it slippy."                 
                                                            
32073 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Gerard Bensen            



So they up and went at it like knives,                      
Or they humped (shall I say it?) as their lives             
Were dependent on what                                      
They performed and they got                                 
To the climax in just twenty drives.                        
                                                            
32074 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Gerard Benson            



Harry met the young girl on a cruise;                       
She was fair from her hat to her shoes.                     
He got her in bed                                           
And she even gave head,                                     
But it cost 50 bucks worth of booze.                        
                                                            
32075 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



And when it was over and done,                              
She said, "I admit it was fun,                              
But my usual charge                                         
Isn't nearly so large;                                      
So I've screwed you in more ways than one."                 
                                                            
32076 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



She is bold, she is hot, she is willing,                    
But his will Will will first have to fill in.               
With her future secure,                                     
She'll let William screw her.                               
Sign it, Will, if you must dip your quill in.               
                                                            
32077 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Tutta Gioia              



She is bold, she is hot, she is willing,                    
But Bill she is billing for billing                         
And cooing.  Poor Bill's                                    
To be billed for refills,                                   
While that chick, she is making a killing.                  
                                                            
32078 HOOKERS - EXPENSIVE - SERIES   Tutta Gioia              



The seductive Dolores could lay so                          
Well, she earned many a peso,                               
From men who walked miles                                   
To climax, with smiles.                                     
(Her ads in the papers all say so.)                         
                                                            
32079 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Isaac Asimov             



A versatile harlot named Breech,                            
Ten methods of fucking did teach.                           
But a man in a bind                                         
Could not make up his mind,                                 
So he tried a small portion of each.                        
                                                            
32080 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1456



What I'd like to do if I could,                             
Is boff a bad whore -- yes, I would;                        
But from what I've found,                                   
There's no whore around                                     
Thats 'bad' -- no, they're all very  good!                  
                                                            
32081 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



Any whore whose door sports a red light,                    
Knows a prick when she sees one, all right.                 
She can tell by a glance                                    
At the drape of men's pants,                                
If they're worth taking on for the night.                   
                                                            
32082 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   L1029



There was an old harlot named Shields                       
Who never to critics did yield.                             
She settled all rumors                                      
With Approved by Consumers,                                 
And her rating was best in her field.                       
                                                            
32083 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1658



A torrid old tart of Timiskaming                            
Was so skilful, no partner could miss coming.               
And Saturday nights                                         
Were suffused with delights                                 
As her clients exploded in bliss coming.                    
                                                            
32084 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Keith MacMillan       73a



A notorious whore named Miss Hearst,                        
In the pleasures of men is well versed.                     
Reads a sign o'er her head,                                 
Of her well-rumpled bed:                                    
"The customer always comes first!"                          
                                                            
32085 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   L1018



The sex show at Rose's now closes                           
With Rose in positional poses,                              
While the audience studs                                    
Keep inserting their puds,                                  
So that everyone's coming up Rose's!                        
                                                            
32086 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



A passion-swept dame called Dolores,                        
Is the hottest of history's whores.                         
Though we fuck her with zest,                               
When we crawl home to rest,                                 
Guess who's there waiting for us, Dolores, of cour-es!      
                                                            
32087 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   L1012



A young friend of mine, a good looker,                      
Went out on the streets as a hooker.                        
After years at the game,                                    
She had made quite a name;                                  
It's strange that the cops wouldn't book her.               
                                                            
32088 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Arthur Pattaffy          



A whore by the name of Carruther                            
Was rough on the one as the other.                          
If a lad pulled a blooper                                   
She would swear like a trooper,                             
And then set him aright like a mother.                      
                                                            
32089 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1467



Sue Beth is a callgirl from Yonkers                         
Who knows how to empty your conkers                         
In five seconds flat.                                       
It's no wonder that                                         
She drives all the customers bonkers.                       
                                                            
32090 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Paul Westwood       P9607



An irascible whore of Savoy                                 
Said that lads who were young, gave no joy.                 
"When a job must be done,                                   
Whether serious or fun,                                     
Send a man," she said, "Don't send a boy."                  
                                                            
32091 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1654



When men come about her, they stare;                        
Perhaps it's her long golden hair.                          
She lets it hang long                                       
To tickle their dong,                                       
And give them such pleasure with flair.                     
                                                            
32092 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow named Bunche                        
Who met an old whore with a hunch.                          
No time could she take --                                   
It was time for a break --                                  
So she fucked him while munching her lunch.                 
                                                            
32093 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0070



Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,                 
"The men like to spread my two legs,                        
Then slip in between,                                       
If you know what I mean,                                    
And leave me the white of their eggs."                      
                                                            
32094 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   L1036



A rapacious old broad of Paducah                            
Is in love with the lustre of lucre,                        
Which she makes, wall-to-wall,                              
'Cause she'll handle it all,                                
Whether midget or army bazooka.                             
                                                            
32095 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Keith MacMillan     A115B



To a whore said the cold Lady Dizzit:                       
"Lord D.'s a new man since your visit.                      
As a rule the damned fool                                   
Can't erect his old tool;                                   
You must have what it takes, but what is it?"               
                                                            
32096 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   G1775



Casting spells, the slut her men vexes;                     
Near the Alamo, she bewitches both sexes.                   
Mused a cowboy from Lubbock                                 
"It's magic when my cock                                    
Is deep in the Tart of Hexes."                              
                                                            
32097 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Thomas G. Keller    P9410



That one-eyed whore, Sally Crockett,                        
Always had money in her pocket.                             
Though a fuck was quite thrifty,                            
A nifty buck fifty,                                         
'Twas twenty to shoot in her socket.                        
                                                            
32098 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



She always recived a big hand                               
As the whore who was most in demand.                        
And she made extra hay                                      
From those who would pay                                    
Just to survey the lay of the land.                         
                                                            
32099 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Norm Storer         P9607



When a lady has gone through abuse,                         
Her income is apt to reduce.                                
For engaging a client,                                      
She must have a cunt pliant;                                
She must learn how to suck if it's loose.                   
                                                            
32100 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin            



There was a young lady of parts,                            
Not one of your lower-class tarts.                          
She had worked at St. John's,                               
Under ten learned dons,                                     
And was certified Mistress of Arts.                         
                                                            
32101 HOOKERS - EXPERT               John Ciardi              



There once was a girl named Carlotta,                       
Who hailed from old Damariscotta.                           
And many a sailor                                           
Had passed through her trailer,                             
And if you hadn't had her, you otta.                        
                                                            
32102 HOOKERS - EXPERT               E S Lamprey              



There was an old whore named McCord,                        
Who received a most fitting award.                          
At a harlot's convention,                                   
She received the top mention,                               
For a member was she, of the bored.                         
                                                            
32103 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1601



A whore who beguiles on the Nile                            
Brings out satisfied smiles with her style.                 
She has for her clients                                     
Both pygmies and giants                                     
In a line stretching miles double-file.                     
                                                            
32104 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Isaac Asimov             



In our town, it's a yearly tradition                        
To hold a Miss Whore competition.                           
A good shag is an art,                                      
So all girls work real hard,                                
To get in the best pole-position.                           
                                                            
32105 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Dirruk                   



There was a young lady named Maxine,                        
Whose customers found her relaxing.                         
The wise ones would plan                                    
Before she began,                                           
By taking a triple-dose vaccine.                            
                                                            
32106 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



Says a kinky old hooker named Bond,                         
"I've a wile of which clients are fond:                     
When I've hairsprayed some gold                             
Where my labia fold,                                        
I'm a gilt-edged negotiable blond."                         
                                                            
32107 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



There was an old harlot so quaint --                        
Her profession she managed to taint,                        
For she offered much more                                   
Than was right for a whore,                                 
Which confirms that she had no restraint.                   
                                                            
32108 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1642



A pert little lady named Bobbie,                            
Used to stroll through the Fontainbleu lobby,               
Attracting the stares                                       
Of chance millionaires,                                     
Not entirely, I think, as a hobby.                          
                                                            
32109 HOOKERS - EXPERT               John Ciardi              



On nights that are hottest or coldest,                      
Claire goes to her job with the boldest                     
Intention to make it,                                       
Refusing to fake it,                                        
And proud her profession is oldest.                         
                                                            
32110 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Travis Brasell           



There was a young lady from Lincs,                          
Who was known as the area minx.                             
She was liked by the men,                                   
Who'd return now and then.                                  
What they played was not tiddley winks.                     
                                                            
32111 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady cavernal,                            
Who learned how to fuck with a colonel;                     
And to peddle her ass                                       
To the army top brass                                       
Just by reading The Ladies Home Journal.                    
                                                            
32112 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0417



In flight a young harlot named Jane                         
Improved on her pay with no strain,                         
But she peddled no meat                                     
Below ten thousand feet,                                    
For she worked on a much higher plane.                      
                                                            
32113 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Al Chaplin 3024     P9005



A good business head had Miss Spence;                       
With niceties she did dispense.                             
A private named Steve                                       
Could not get any leave,                                    
So she screwed him on top of the fence.                     
                                                            
32114 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1667



"In the public rooms here," Madam said,                     
"A girl has to show she's well bred,                        
And has some social grace,                                  
For there's only one place                                  
Where she acts like a whore -- that's in bed."              
                                                            
32115 HOOKERS - EXPERT               A. N. Wilkins       P9205



A woman who lived in Des Moines                             
Was rather well known for her loines.                       
It was so tender,                                           
Those not of her gender,                                    
For her favors, paid many a coin.                           
                                                            
32116 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Macsam                   



Quipped the witty Greek whore named Aspasia,                
Often given to paranormasia,                                
"I admit I've this yen                                      
To 'kill' young Eastern men,                                
For I both love and hate euthanasia."   (youth in Asia)     
                                                            
32117 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Armand E Singer       164



This whore was so famous, named Dending,                    
What she was reserved for special vending.                  
To prove she was rare,                                      
When you'd see her ass bare,                                
On both cheeks were stamped, "Patent Pending"!              
                                                            
32118 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Laurence Craft           



There was a young girl of Baroda, (named Rhoda)             
Who erected a phallic pagoda,                               
And festooned the halls,                                    
And the walls with the balls,                               
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.                
                                                            
32119 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Norman Douglas      L1371



A whore from the Isle of Ascension,                         
Just trying to get your attention,                          
Will suck off your dingus,                                  
Perform cunnilingus,                                        
Plus acts too perverted to mention.                         
                                                            
32120 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Armand E Singer       469



While ladies who cater to Johns                             
Say convicts are not paragons.                              
Some thugs disagree,                                        
And I'd like to be free                                     
To listen to both pros and cons.                            
(pros - hookers, cons - convicts - get it? - McW)           
32121 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Norm Storer         P9409



Old Mars in a fit of caprice                                
The mad dogs of war did release.                            
But young Xaviera                                           
On the French Riviera                                       
Unleashed all the pussies of piece.                         
                                                            
32122 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   G1753



In Dodge City, prostitution's lair,                         
I tried to act 'tres debonair',                             
But she saw through my guise                                
And, spreading her thighs,                                  
Said, "Howdy, young man.  Put 'er there!"                   
                                                            
32123 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Norm Storer         P9205



There was a young chip from Brazil,                         
Who fucked like a veritable mill.                           
There was never a whore,                                    
When she'd finished her chore,                              
More prompt to present you her bill.                        
                                                            
32124 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   L0997



"When you buy ass from me," said Miss Curry,                
"There is no need to fret or to worry.                      
I can give you a lay                                        
Which will last you all day,                                
Or a quickie for men in a hurry."                           
                                                            
32125 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1481



"I've been to Tibet," said Rene,                            
"Also Singapore, Nice, and Bombay.                          
But my sister Lenore                                        
Is a Montreal whore                                         
Who goes 'round the world every day."                       
                                                            
32126 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Michael Weinstein   P8709



There was an old madam named Lize,                          
Who carried some fine merchandise.                          
You could view her collection                               
And not make a selection                                    
Until you sampled a couple for size.                        
                                                            
32127 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1585



The TV gourmette's know for cookery.                        
But when off the air she sells nookery.                     
Her clients she'll grapple                                  
In vats of pork scrapple;                                   
To print details would fill a large bookery.                
                                                            
32128 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Bruce Thompson           



A patriot, pretty Miss Moore,                               
Our Marine Brigade's favorite whore,                        
Explained to the nervous,                                   
"I service the service,                                     
And thus serve my country the Moore.                        
                                                            
32129 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Lance Payne         P8406



I know an old whore from La Jolla,                          
Whose specialty might just annolla --                       
Unless you like mooing                                      
Along with your screwing;                                   
In that case, perhaps you'd enjolla.                        
                                                            
32130 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Norm Storer         P9212



A sweet-talking belle named Magnolia                        
Will, with two lips and juleps cajole ya'.                  
Your drink the bitch baits                                  
With barbituates,                                           
Then you snore, and that cute whore'll roll ya'.            
                                                            
32131 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Sex to Sexty        P8808



A prostitute working on Guam                                
Sets each customer off like a bomb,                         
By twirling her boobs                                       
And venting her tubes                                       
While singing the Twenty-Third Psalm.                       
                                                            
32132 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Norm Storer              



A philosopher, finding a stone,                             
Was as giddy as a dog with a bone.                          
He traded it for                                            
Three nights with a whore,                                  
To this day, he's still lying prone.                        
                                                            
32133 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



A young London tart with big titties                        
Went to Paris to sing some French ditties.                  
When all's said and done,                                   
She had lots of fun,                                        
In her roll as the tail of two cities.                      
                                                            
32134 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Tom Patton          P9709



With a harlot, Professor McHugh                             
Was fumbling his way through a screw.                       
With a learned rendition                                    
He explained his position,                                  
So she taught the old fuck how to screw.                    
                                                            
32135 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Albin Chaplin   3024-1602



A fellow named Teeter in Vaughter,                          
Popped the cherry on his hostess's daughter.                
Life then became boring,                                    
So she's gone in for whoring                                
With the technique that damned Teeter taught 'er.           
                                                            
32136 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   G1624



Said a whore (who was blind) from Hong Kong,                
"I've been in this business so long,                        
I can tell who is which                                     
With a vaginal twitch --                                    
Yes I can tell a white from a Wong!"                        
                                                            
32137 HOOKERS - EXPERT               John Miller              



In a boat armed with oars at the front,                     
An amorous guy he would punt.                               
Once while on the go,                                       
He picked up a pro,                                         
And sailed off to the end of her cunt.                      
                                                            
32138 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



She would eat her apple by noon;                            
Mid-night her Joes would swoon.                             
All her students would learn,                               
Whips or rulers she's stern,                                
And can place child or man on the moon.                     
                                                            
32139 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



A wordly-wise tart named Miss Hunt                          
Said, "Girls! Vaseline in your cunt                         
Makes the big peckers slide                                 
With great ease inside,                                     
And the darn thing won't cause you to grunt."               
                                                            
32140 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   G1806



Her intellect made an impression,                           
But she freely made this confession:                        
"My trade I do ply                                          
From Bonn to Shanghai,                                      
As I have the world's oldest profession."                   
                                                            
32141 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Al Willis           P9702



A tousled old harlot named Hough                            
Lost her trade on account of her muff.                      
But the men came in flocks                                  
With inquisitive cocks,                                     
When she broke out her virginal duff.                       
                                                            
32142 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   G0984



Hi boys, I'm insatiable Gwen                                
And always on the lookout for men.                          
With my boobs as a lure                                     
I will catch you for sure,                                  
Not a question of if, rather when.                          
                                                            
32143 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



Each night I am here on the beat,                           
In the best part of town on broad street.                   
Have each hour some hits;                                   
I'm well known as top bitch,                                
'Cause I give every guy the best treat.                     
                                                            
32144 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



I'm kinky; have the looks of a beau                         
As a hooker I'm really a pro.                               
Before each nice fuck                                       
I give a good suck,                                         
In exchange for some valuable dough.                        
                                                            
32145 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



So boys if you do feel the need                             
To loose down there some of the heat,                       
There is one place to be;                                   
It's the corner, you see,                                   
Downtown Fifty Sixth and Broad Street.                      
                                                            
32146 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                        



When the census man called upon Gail,                       
Whose clients were all strictly male,                       
And said, "You career                                       
Should be written here."                                    
She entered the one word, "Wholesale".                      
                                                            
32147 HOOKERS - EXPERT               George McWilliam         



A vicious old whore of Albania,                             
Hated men with a terrible mania.                            
With a twitch and a squirm,                                 
She would hold back your sperm,                             
And then roll on her face and disdain ya.                   
                                                            
32148 HOOKERS - EXPERT                                   L0990



Young Chastity's rather a cutie;                            
If only she'd share out her booty.                          
"If not for the fun,                                        
Then the money, dear one,"                                  
Said her Ma, "It's your feminine duty."                     
                                                            
32149 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Peter Wilkins            



She said, "I've been somewhat remiss,                       
In not before telling you this.                             
It's not men I desire,                                      
For I truly aspire                                          
To be having it off with my sis!"                           
                                                            
32150 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Murphy                   



"Oh that," Ma adivsed, "Is okay,                            
But in a responsible way,                                   
Make sure that your sis,                                    
Knows well that the bliss                                   
Is something for which she must pay."                       
                                                            
32151 HOOKERS - EXPERT               Travis Brasell           



There once was a wife who was sure                          
She was right.  And she was.  Till a whore                  
Who was glad to be wrong,                                   
Sang the old boy a song,                                    
And they ran off to Cannes.  Vive l'amour!                  
                                                            
32152 HOOKERS - EXPERT               John Ciardi              



A courtesan working in Cairo                                
In a cathouse was surely no tyro.                           
She made men estatic                                        
Because acrobatic,                                          
She could rotate her hips like a gyro.                      
                                                            
32153 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Bob Giandomenico    P9206



Bill Jones is a lad who will pluck some                     
Fast tail from the slim or the buxom.                       
But when he met Bunnie,                                     
And tried out her cunny,                                    
He swore that no whore was so fucksome.                     
                                                            
32154 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE                          G2720



A hooker near Cairo's foul dumps,                           
Excites men with grinds and with bumps.                     
She purchased a camel                                       
From a dealer named Gamal,                                  
Which she rides into town between humps.                    
                                                            
32155 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



There was a young miss from Johore,                         
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor.                            
In a manner uncanny,                                        
She'd wobble her fanny                                      
And drain your nuts dry to the core.                        
                                                            
32156 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE                          L0312



There was an old whore from Warsaw,                         
Who fucked all her customers raw.                           
She would thump with her rump,                              
And punt with her cunt,                                     
And lick every prick that she saw.                          
                                                            
32157 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE                          L1066



A call-girl who came from St. Paul                          
Described how she made a good haul.                         
"Follow through in the grind,                               
Stay in front, not behind,                                  
And be sure that your eye's on the ball."                   
                                                            
32158 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Albin Chaplin   3024-1651



There was a young whore from Tashkent,                      
Who managed an immoral tent.                                
Day out and day in                                          
She lay writhing in sin,                                    
Giving thanks it was ten months to Lent.                    
                                                            
32159 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE                          L1063



It's the whore with the swivel-hip action                   
That gives a man real satisfaction;                         
Who knows what she's doing                                  
All the time that you're screwing,                          
And leaves you limp with reaction!                          
                                                            
32160 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE                          G1731



There was an incensed prostitute                            
Who, one statement would always refute.                     
'Cause she wiggled her ass                                  
In style and with class,                                    
Resented the phrase 'Ill Repute'.                           
                                                            
32161 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Jane D. Hughes      P9205



A woman from old Monterey,                                  
Decided to try a new way.                                   
She got into bed                                            
And stood on her head                                       
And found the men eager to pay.                             
                                                            
32162 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Isaac Asimov             



There once was a versatile whore,                           
As expert behind as before.                                 
For a quid you could view her,                              
And bugger and screw her,                                   
As she stood on her head on the floor.                      
                                                            
32163 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE                          L1068



"I guess", mused a callgirl named Carole,                   
One night as she doffed her apparel,                        
"That kinks are no fewer;                                   
My next trick's a brewer;                                   
When he has me, it's over a barrel."                        
                                                            
32164 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Albin Chaplin            



She was a master of contortion;                             
Bent all ways to take in my portion.                        
She wrapped herself round                                   
And got me all bound,                                       
And then made me pay her extortion.                         
                                                            
32165 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE                               



There was an old whore named of Dawes                       
Who put on a show for a cause.                              
She went into a frenzy                                      
With a man named Mackenzie,                                 
Then she paused for a while for applause.                   
                                                            
32166 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Albin Chaplin   3024-1484



A prostitute out in Belle Plaine                            
Does a trick that I'll have to explain:                     
To begin with, she'll pee                                   
In your hat from a tree--                                   
And from there on, it's really insane!                      
                                                            
32167 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Norm Storer              



A professional lady named Kropps                            
Was an expert in pulling all stops.                         
When Dunn slipped a disc                                    
He called her a risk,                                       
But Bradstreet still rated her tops.                        
                                                            
32168 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Albin Chaplin   3024-1571



A call-girl who works out of Singapore                      
Is known to her clients as "Ring-a-whore";                  
But after a whirl                                           
With this talented girl,                                    
You're likely to find your poor thing-a-sore.               
                                                            
32169 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Norm Storer         P9212



On the street in a hurry walked Clyde,                      
And he noticed a whore by his side.                         
When he said, "I can't stay."                               
She replied, "If you pay,                                   
I believe I can take this in stride."                       
                                                            
32170 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0668



There was a young trollop called Prue,                      
Who ran a tea shop down at Kew.                             
When I ordered cream tea,                                   
She sat down on my knee,                                    
And taught me a trick that she knew!                        
                                                            
32171 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Pruman              T9801



There once was a whore from Biloxi.                         
Who had bedroom manners most foxy.                          
When she started to tup,                                    
A hoist lifted her up,                                      
And tricks were completed by proxy.                         
                                                            
32172 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Warren                   



A non-union harlot named Furze                              
Would urge union men on with spurs.                         
And she speeded seduction                                   
With her in-line production,                                
While ignoring the jibes and the slurs.                     
                                                            
32173 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Albin Chaplin 3024  P8608



An intelligent whore from Albania,                          
Read books and grew steadily brainier.                      
Yet it wasn't her science,                                  
That brought her male clients,                              
But her quite uncontrolled nymphomania.                     
                                                            
32174 HOOKERS - EXPERT - MOBILE      Isaac Asimov             



A charitable harlot from China                              
Declared, "I never felt finer.                              
And so poor men won't holler,                               
I'll just charge a dollar,                                  
And twenty-five cents for each minor."                      
                                                            
32175 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  G1758



There was a young harlot of Crete,                          
Whose fucking was far, far too fleet.                       
So they tied down her ass                                   
With a long ton of brass,                                   
To give them a much longer treat.                           
                                                            
32176 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  L1003



When the Nazis landed in Crete,                             
This young harlot had to compete                            
With the many Storm Troopers,                               
Who were using their poopers,                               
For other things than to excrete.                           
                                                            
32177 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  L1004



Our subversive young harlot of Crete,                       
Was led to fifth-column deceit.                             
When the paratroops landed,                                 
Her trade was expanded,                                     
By at once going down on their meat.                        
                                                            
32178 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  L1005



Then here was this harlot of Crete,                         
She decided to be very neat.                                
She said, "I'm too high class                               
To ream common ass,                                         
And I'll wash every prick that I eat."                      
                                                            
32179 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  L1006



And at last this fine harlot of Crete,                      
Was hawking her meat in the street.                         
Ambling out one fine day,                                   
In a casual way,                                            
She clapped up the whole British fleet.                     
                                                            
32180 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  L1007



There was a young hooker from Bali,                         
With Punter was getting quite pally.                        
When the car bomb it blew.                                  
"Did the earth move for you?                                
I think it has blown us to Mali."                           
                                                            
32181 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



A sailor, ashore in Peru,                                   
Said, "Senora, quanto por la screw?"                        
"For only one peso                                          
I will, if you say so,                                      
Be buggered and nibble it too."                             
                                                            
32182 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              VOL 11              P0102



There was an old whore of Algiers,                          
Who had bushels of dirt in her ears.                        
The tip of her titty                                        
Was also quite shitty,                                      
She never had washed it in years.                           
                                                            
32183 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  L0991



A seductive mam'selle from Calais                           
Remarked as she did it for paix,                            
"Free love's overrated                                      
And somewhat outdated.                                      
I only for money chalet."                                   
                                                            
32184 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Brandy Brandon      P9407



To play in a young French whore's thicket,                  
A guy needs to first have a ticket;                         
These tickets are sold                                      
For cash, hard and cold,                                    
At windows in France called a 'guichet'.                    
                                                            
32185 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



In Paris a famed courtesan                                  
Had a trick to revive any man                               
Who was not up to snuff.                                    
She would cry, "Fair enough!                                
You can't, but Mon Dieu, I Can-Can!"                        
                                                            
32186 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Roger Morris             



Said a charming young lady from Padua,                      
"A peso?  Why sir, what a cadua!"                           
He said, lifting his hat,                                   
"You aren't really worth that,                              
However, I'm glad to have hadua!"                           
                                                            
32187 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



A French Hooker married Jake Drew,                          
And nightly did what hookers do.                            
Jake died in a year                                         
Thereby proving, I fear:                                    
Can't have your Jake and eat him, too.                      
                                                            
32188 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Theo Heller         P9401



Soho, a Latvian strumpet                                    
Got hot hearing men play the trumpet.                       
She jumped on Don's back                                    
While rubbing her crack,                                    
And decided she'd rather play humpit.                       
                                                            
32189 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Anon                     



When a whore from Australia, Sheila,                        
Went to bed with a big city dealer,                         
As she gave him a gob,                                      
They were caught on the job;                                
"Christ," he said, "not another Chris Keeler!"              
                                                            
32190 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Anna Pest           P9005



From journeys today I came back                             
And learned of attack on Iraq.                              
And Whoa!  I am praying                                     
Our bombs don't start straying                              
And land in that Muslim whore's crack.                      
                                                            
32191 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Travis Brasell           



Oh dear, here's another who's flip                          
And thinks it quite clever to quip                          
With remarks deleterious                                    
On matters most serious.                                    
So please on your tip, get a grip.                          
                                                            
32192 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Hugh Clary               



I'm serious only in June,                                   
When Muslim whores stretch out at noon,                     
To read the Koran                                           
Sans burka to tan,                                          
While giving gratuitous poon!                               
                                                            
32193 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Travis Brasell           



That 'Mitch' has a sister named Adam                        
Joy Twitchell (they both worked for Saddam,                 
Until he discovered                                         
Those sisters uncovered,                                    
And knew that those geezers had had 'em.)                   
                                                            
32194 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



Ask the China dolls who make pushee,                        
"You know what take to get in bushee?                       
Wisdom of ages                                              
Handed down from sages,                                     
Say 'Got no tickee? Get no tushee!'"                        
                                                            
32195 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Jane D. Hughes      P9301



An old British harlot named Spence,                         
Would lie down for shillings and pence.                     
But the coinage was changed                                 
And it left her deranged;                                   
For in decimals, she was too dense.                         
                                                            
32196 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Albin Chaplin   3024-1666



The trollop who calls Polynesia                             
Her home, will both squeeze ya' and tease ya'.              
But if you're only fond                                     
Of girls who are blond,                                     
I doubt that she'll totally please ya'.                     
                                                            
32197 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Norm Storer         P9212



There was a young lady from Worthing                        
Who'd do any thing for a farthing.                          
For a penny or shilling,                                    
She was totally willing                                     
And all with a smile quite disarming!                       
                                                            
32198 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Chris Clack              



Said a certain young girl of Madrid,                        
Who kept her vagina well hid,                               
"For a lousy peseta,                                        
I am no fornicata,                                          
But I'll spread for an adequate bid."                       
                                                            
32199 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Isaac Asimov             



A Rotterdam hooker's young daughter beds                    
Her landlubber clients on shorter beds,                     
So mom can cavort                                           
With the sailors in port,                                   
On the bigger and bouncier water beds.                      
                                                            
32200 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



There was a young fellow named Souter                       
Who could not understand the valuta;                        
He tendered one mark                                        
To a girl in the park,                                      
And went home sadder, wiser, but neuter.                    
                                                            
32201 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Charles Scott-MoncriP0209



I once met a young Scottish 'goosey;'                       
That lassie was so much like you, see?                      
She walked 'two-way' streets                                
To peddle her sweets,                                       
Of scrumptious large mounds and pink poosey.                
                                                            
32202 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



A colleen from Limerick town,                               
A girl of enormous renown,                                  
Was always quite willing                                    
For only a shilling,                                        
Much more so if paid half-a-crown.                          
                                                            
32203 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Frank Bohan              



Myfanwy ap Gwillam ap Dylan                                 
Of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll is willin'                          
Like Bronwen and Penny                                      
Of Abergavenny,                                             
To screw all Dai long for a shillin'.                       
                                                            
32204 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Peter Wilkins            



A cute London feminist, Dee,                                
Declared it was no longer free.                             
First, she got a whole crown,                               
Then her prices went down.                                  
So did she.                                                 
                                                            
32205 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



There was a young lady from Foynes,                         
Who collected pounds, shillings, and coins.                 
The tuppeny bits                                            
She earned with her tits,                                   
But the shillings she earned with her loins.                
                                                            
32206 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                  G1790



The response of a whore from Dundee                         
To enquiries concerning her fee,                            
Was, "Frontways - one pound,                                
But the other way 'round                                    
Costs a fiver -- besides VAT.                               
(VAT - value added tax)                                     
32207 HOOKERS - FOREIGN                                       



Mates, I met her in Venezueler;                             
From her window she sang out: "Hey sailor!                  
I will toss you my key;                                     
Come on up and make free";                                  
Her low, husky voice meant I'd nail her!                    
                                                            
32208 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



Dashed upstairs on two rubber-like knees;                   
I had been far too long on the seas!;                       
Jammed the key in her lock,                                 
Her door swung, as her frock                                
Was a-sliding down, doin' slow  tease!                      
                                                            
32209 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



Multilingual, indeed was this cookie;                       
Cosmopolitan, this was no rookie;                           
Her dark eyes, oh, so lewd,                                 
Looked straight at me; she cooed:                           
"Quisiera usted etwas nookie?"                              
                                                            
32210 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



Tattoos I could see ev'ry where;                            
Flotilla insignias, I swear;                                
Some lettered Cyrillic,                                     
For memories idyllic;                                       
Plus heiroglyph marks here and there!                       
                                                            
32211 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



From her head flowed such long jet-black hair;              
But with food -- cookies stuck here and there;              
From her armpits, there grew,                               
Spanish moss, all black too;                                
And - good heavens - a bush 'round her snare!               
                                                            
32212 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



Such a muff!  I'd say Que Magnifique!                       
I could picture it brushing my cheek!                       
Deeply nested were lips                                     
You don't find on board ships;                              
In that jungle, they played "hide and seek!"                
                                                            
32213 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



I unrolled my bell-bottoms -- kerplunk!                     
And I took a long leap to her bunk;                         
But I had to agree                                          
To an outrageous fee,                                       
Pony up or I'd not be her hunk!                             
                                                            
32214 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



Squeezin' tits and a-smoochin' this queen,                  
I soon noticed, she wasn't pristeen;                        
On her armpits and muff,                                    
Hairs stuck out, sticky tough;                              
Vegetation was not very clean!                              
                                                            
32215 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



She'd an odor the average sailor                            
Would expect to find just on a whaler;                      
Something wrong where one tinkles;                          
Plus grime in her wrinkles;                                 
One  whiff!  My complexion got paler!                       
                                                            
32216 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



Still, my fingers did try out for size,                     
That incredible bush 'tween her thighs;                     
I found something - oh shit!                                
That's too big for a clit!                                  
'Twas my Venezuela surprise!                                
                                                            
32217 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



My libido had suffered great harm,                          
As I ran for my life from her charm;                        
Didn't take time to dress;                                  
Dashed downstairs, I confess,                               
With my bell-bottoms clutched 'neath one arm!               
                                                            
32218 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



Tell ya, shipmates, I still get cold sweat,                 
When I think 'bout that rental love-pet;                    
Lads, ignore a low voice;                                   
Better pass up that choice;                                 
What you see may not be what you get!                       
                                                            
32219 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Allen Wolverton          



A thoughtless old man name of Beck                          
Was raping a whore in Quebec.                               
She complained in dismay,                                   
"I'm a whore!  You must pay!"                               
So when finished, he wrote her a check.                     
                                                            
32220 HOOKERS - FOREIGN              Albin Chaplin   3024-1441



At the brothel, a man from Djibouti                         
Took his pick of the harlots, a cutie.                      
But the madam said, "Nay,                                   
For the union rules say                                     
You will have to take age before beauty.                    
                                                            
32221 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin   3024-1493



A colostomy patient, Miss Clyde,                            
First despaired, they she took it in stride.                
She still peddled coition                                   
In the supine position,                                     
But she made a lot more on the side.                        
                                                            
32222 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin   3024-2950



One look at the whore of Bombay                             
Would turn a man ashen and gray.                            
The mere sag of her tits                                    
Gives strong men the fits,                                  
And she carries her cunt on a tray.                         
                                                            
32223 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin 3024  G1747



In her state-approved whorehouse, Miss Smutches,            
Was trapped by the Fair Practice clutches.                  
She was forced by priorities                                
To use whores from minorities,                              
And handicapped cripples on crutches.                       
                                                            
32224 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin   3024-1664



There once was a sailor named Biddle,                       
Whose prick was split right down the middle.                
An old whore named Meg,                                     
Who'd only one leg,                                         
Found Biddle a most filling diddle!                         
                                                            
32225 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          H Whelchel               



A handicapped hooker named Rose                             
Was missing some parts, Heaven knows!                       
She lacked cunt and arms,                                   
But with girlish charms,                                    
She jerked off her johns with her toes.                     
                                                            
32226 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Armand Singer       P9804



A state-controlled brothel in Natchez                       
Was ruled by Fair Practice dispatches.                      
You would get by priorities,                                
Worn out whores from minorities                             
Or old harlots with handicapped snatches.                   
                                                            
32227 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin   3024-1616



I once wandered into the city                               
In search of a whore who was pretty.                        
But the best I could find                                   
Had a skinny behind,                                        
And lacked any semblance of titty.                          
                                                            
32228 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Norm Storer         P0011



On viewing the haarlot from Kootenay,                       
The soldiers had threatened a mutiny.                       
But it came out all right                                   
When she turned out the light,                              
For she could not withstand a close scrutiny.               
                                                            
32229 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin   3024-2891



A miserly man named MacGregor                               
Scrimped so that he looked like a beggar,                   
And at Madam MacCoozy,                                      
He would have a cheap floozy,                               
Which she saved him, the one-eyed peglegger.                
                                                            
32230 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin   3024-1593



A peglegged lady named Lunt                                 
Could always sell plenty of cunt.                           
It was not by deceit                                        
That she peddled her meat,                                  
But by putting her best leg in front.                       
                                                            
32231 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin   3024-1589



There once was a whore named Remorse,                       
Who boasted of her skills, (well of course!)                
Her sex was one kind,                                       
Always from behind,                                         
'Cause up front she was hung like a horse!                  
                                                            
32232 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Jim Weaver Collection    



At the brothel the other day,                               
There was a protest underway.                               
The girls said it's unfair,                                 
They can't get their share,                                 
When the teenagers give it away.                            
                                                            
32233 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Puff Adder               



It's 'cause teen's still have firm tits,                    
And their pussies are still tight fits.                     
Now why should I pay                                        
For a snatch that's passe,                                  
When I can have her who babysits.                           
                                                            
32234 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          S C Saint                



There was an old man somewhat foggy,                        
Who fucked an old harlot so scroggy,                        
Then he asked the old hag                                   
To put some in a bag,                                       
And he took a piece home for his doggy.                     
                                                            
32235 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Albin Chaplin 3024  P8511



If Charlotte the harlot sneaks in,                          
She'll promptly strip down to her skin                      
In hope there's a lay                                       
In the Y.M.C.A.,                                            
But Man, on a Sunday, that's SIN!                           
                                                            
32236 HOOKERS - HANDICAPPED          Grand Prix Lim  886      



A whorehouse of virgins runs Drew.                          
He'll transplant a hymen for you.                           
He gets them from sheep                                     
While they're still asleep,                                 
And you get the ultimate screw.                             
                                                            
32237 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Irving Superior     P9205



However, sheepherders now sue;                              
A problem for whoremonger Drew.                             
But business goes on --                                     
Imports from Taiwan.                                        
I can't tell the difference. Can you?                       
                                                            
32238 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Irving Superior     P9205



A Latin Amish boy named Jorje;                              
Strolled right into town for a lay;                         
He asked Madam Lik,                                         
For a real bearded chick,                                   
Then gave her his horse for pay.                            
                                                            
32239 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Frosty                   



"I can't take this horse for a trick!"                      
Jorje pointed to the size of his dick;                      
The madam, she blushed,                                     
The parlor got hushed,                                      
"Go to room sixty-nine, really quick."                      
                                                            
32240 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Frosty                   



Sixty-nine was Madam Lik's room;                            
The air smelled like whore-ish perfume;                     
Then a true bearded lady,                                   
Who's name was O'Grady,                                     
Locked the door, to seal in his doom,                       
                                                            
32241 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Frosty                   



Now it was just O'Grady and Jorje;                          
He saddled, slapped her ass and said "Neigh!"               
In true Amish fashion,                                      
Gave a true Amish bashin',                                  
Then finished with a Latin OLE!                             
                                                            
32242 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Frosty                   



In Hawaii I love to carouse                                 
(The proverbial cat's-away mouse)                           
Since Don Ho is my friend,                                  
I usually spend                                             
A night or two at the Ho house.                             
                                                            
32243 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Arthur Deex         P9411



Just back from New York, Cowpoke Bellows                    
Was asked by the other ranch fellows                        
What he did while away...                                   
"Boys," he said, "Every day                                 
I kept pokin' around them bordellos!"                       
                                                            
32244 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Grand Prix Lim  577      



The whorehouse burned down in a flash,                      
From cigarettes thrown in the trash;                        
But one whore decided                                       
To stay and confided:                                       
"My clients can come up my ash!"                            
                                                            
32245 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Travis Brasell           



There is a house in New Orleans                             
Where men of impeccable miens                               
Would schedule sessions                                     
And trust the discretion                                    
Of the madam's fair Evangelines.                            
                                                            
32246 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Dr Limerick              



The whole town is thrown in a tizzy;                        
'Cause the FBI agents were busy                             
Compiling lists                                             
Of those adulterists --                                     
And their wives think "He's not on it, is he?"              
                                                            
32247 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Dr Limerick              



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw;                            
A  brothel they owned, although scofflaw;                   
In the church those lil' fans                               
People held in their hands,                                 
Had ads printed; called it a 'dance-hall.'                  
                                                            
32248 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



A hookerhouse keeper named Morehouse                        
Remarked, as he entered my whorehouse,                      
"There's whores up in MY house,                             
But it's such a high house,                                 
I'll buy a cheap lay here in your house."                   
                                                            
32249 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Grand Prix Lim  980      



If running a brothel's for you                              
Keeping records is easy to do.                              
You never need worry                                        
About inventory.                                            
Just count tits--and divide by two.                         
                                                            
32250 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Theo Heller         P9204



A badly shocked prostitute Purvis                           
Said, "This racket today makes me nervous.                  
Guys who once just dropped in                               
For a spot of quick sin,                                    
Now demand we supply them curb service.                     
                                                            
32251 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Grand Prix Lim  596      



A bum thought he'd burgle a beauty                          
From the cat-house where he'd catch a cutie.                
He paid for his pains                                       
With a set of strong chains,                                
Then was detailed to dirty towel duty.                      
                                                            
32252 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Chris Papa               



The County checks "rugs" on each whore,                     
For things which hop off on the floor;                      
Then each week Billy Bob                                    
From the Health Board will lob                              
A bug-bomb right in the front door!                         
                                                            
32253 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



You wonderful rapscalious lug,                              
For this one I'll give you a hug!                           
My mind fairly boggles                                      
While 'something' up-toggles                                
When thinking 'bout laying that rug!                        
                                                            
32254 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



There once was a girl from the chorus                       
Whose virtue was known to be porous.                        
She started by dandling,                                    
And ended by handling                                       
The whole clientele of a whorehouse.                        
                                                            
32255 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                   L1000



Said the billionaire Sir Thomas Mohr,                       
Who for two sons had something in store.                    
"Boys don't you get nervous;                                
When you require service,                                   
See Marie, she's our new family whore."                     
                                                            
32256 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Tom Patton          P0107



In Amsterdam, city of glass,                                
In windows exceedingly crass,                               
Sit women half nude,                                        
Excitingly crude,                                           
Who piece-price the tourists who pass.                      
(While wives lots of titters amass.)                        
32257 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Irving Superior     P9205



A brothel inspector, undauntin',                            
Did check on the girls who were flauntin'                   
The rules that were set                                     
By the council that met.                                    
His report: They were laid and found wanton.                
                                                            
32258 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin   3024-1686



When the clients are more than a few,                       
There's a savvy old madam named Drew,                       
Who'll establish a line                                     
By displaying a sign                                        
That informs all arrivals: FUCK QUEUE                       
                                                            
32259 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



The whorehouse of Madam Elias                               
Ran ads on TV: "It's not bias --                            
Our girls are all young; give head, tail and tongue;        
Our girls are the greenest; the youngest the cleanest;      
Our girls are all young; our boys are well hung;            
Whatever your pleasure, just try us.                        
32260 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Armand E Singer       450



The Chief of the mighty Sioux Nation                        
Would sneak from the dry reservation                        
To a house steeped in sin --                                
Young girls, cards, pink gin,                               
Artificial In-Seminole-ization.                             
                                                            
32261 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Arthur Deex         P8407



Whenever police pressure eased,                             
And no more were working girls seized,                      
You knocked on the door,                                    
And asked for a whore.                                      
Men could, go and come, as they pleased.                    
                                                            
32262 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Larry J. Davis      P9205



A senile old fellow named Sears                             
Left the house of ill fame shedding tears,                  
For the madam halved prices                                 
On second-round vices,                                      
When just once was his limit for years...                   
                                                            
32263 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Grand Prix Lim  310      



In their ads a whorehouse in Peru                           
Says, "John Donne asked with lots of to-do                  
For whom the bells peal;                                    
We're glad to reveal                                        
That at our place, the belles peel for you."                
                                                            
32264 HOOKERS - HOUSES               A. N. Wilkins       P8511



Now once I had cause for recourse,                          
And proceeded to get a divorce,                             
Which left me alone                                         
With an untended bone.                                      
(And a bill from the whore house, of course)                
                                                            
32265 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Tim Chimera              



With marketing wisdom astute,                               
They've escaped any moral dispute.                          
They've banned girls named Jill                             
And Syl and Chlorille                                       
(Without 'ILL', it's a house of repute).                    
                                                            
32266 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Norm Storer         P9205



Sweet innocent little Miss Frome                            
Fought sex hunters off in the dome.                         
But old man Prochaska                                       
Spread her legs in Alaska --                                
Now her home is a house up in Nome.                         
                                                            
32267 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                   G1793



A naughty old colonel of Butte,                             
Had a habit his friends thought was cute.                   
He'd rush from the train                                    
When it got to Spokane,                                     
To a house of distinct ill repute.                          
                                                            
32268 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                   P9203



There was a cat house in Skidoo,                            
That was perched on a peak for the view.                    
But the miners who climbed it,                              
Seemed never to mind it,                                    
For the girls always knew what to do.                       
                                                            
32269 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



In a bawdy house west of Fort Hays,                         
Dallied Cavalry Trooper, Saul Maze,                         
Who said, "I'm not AWOL,                                    
I'm on duty withal                                          
Since I've been in the saddle for days."                    
                                                            
32270 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



To his wife wrote a G.I. named Chape:                       
"I'll be spending six months at the Cape,                   
But there's no need to cry,                                 
There's a whore house nearby,                               
And the girls keep our peckers in shape."                   
                                                            
32271 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin            



A Montreal madam named Lillian                              
Had opened an Expo pavilion.                                
Six harlots worked there,                                   
With a dog for a spare,                                     
And their clients were over a million.                      
                                                            
32272 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin   3024-1159



There was a young lady named Wright,                        
Who simply could not sleep at night,                        
Because of the ping-                                        
Ping-ping of her spring,                                    
And the glare of her little red light.                      
                                                            
32273 HOOKERS - HOUSES               John Ciardi              



There was a young man named West,                           
Who stayed as an overnight guest,                           
In a brothel in Spain.                                      
"May I come back again?"                                    
He said, "Will you keep me abreast?"                        
                                                            
32274 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Observer                 



Cripps worked in Bahrein, a recluse.                        
After years of discreet self-abuse,                         
He furloughed to Soho                                       
And in a rococo                                             
Bordello, let everything loose.                             
                                                            
32275 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Gents Alphabet Book P9608



An old spinster whom life had made mellow,                  
Bought a piece of a high-class bordello.                    
"I am not," she'd impart,                                   
"An incipient tart.                                         
I'm just trying to meet the right fellow."                  
                                                            
32276 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



There was an old man named Mahooty                          
Who found in a whorehouse a beauty.                         
But his wife was a whore                                    
With a room right next door,                                
He was torn between love and his duty.                      
                                                            
32277 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin   3024-0256



There was an old whorehouse on Mars,                        
Where the girls were all kept behind bars.                  
They were all quite ferocious,                              
And their needs were atrocious,                             
And they carried the johns out in jars.                     
                                                            
32278 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Neal Wilgus         P8511



A mortified fellow named Ray,                               
Complained to the madam one day,                            
"All your girls are Grade B.                                
Some have pox, I see,                                       
And I came here expecting Grade A.                          
                                                            
32279 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin   3024-1739



The madam, a seasoned old whore,                            
Replied, "You buy meat at the store,                        
That's derived from 4-D's,                                  
Which is Dead or Diseased                                   
Or Disabled or Disjunct. So what's new?"                    
                                                            
32280 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin   3024-1740



In Crete I got drunk on hard cida,                          
Then went to a girlie provida.                              
She said, "How 'bout Sue?"                                  
I said, "That won't do...                                   
I've longed all my life to Mount Ida."                      
                                                            
32281 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



Whenever we moved, Colonel Strauss,                         
A notorious rake and a souse,                               
First ordered his orderly                                   
(Pride of the Fleurs-de-Lys),                               
"Find the nearest disorderly house."                        
                                                            
32282 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Laurence Perrine    P9206



Build a one-story whorehouse, 'tis said.                    
Not for two or three stories instead.                       
A one-story's best,                                         
And the reason you've guessed:                              
Not as much fucking overhead.                               
                                                            
32283 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Theo M. Heller      P9205



The cowpoke said, scratching his dome,                      
"The place where the buffalo roam                           
Has no women about,                                         
So I know beyond doubt,                                     
I prefer a cathouse to a home."                             
                                                            
32284 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Grand Prix Lim  722      



I'll tell you about Cowboy Dave:                            
Although he's one foot in the grave,                        
He runs the Ship Inn,                                       
A palace of sin,                                            
And it's a fine place for a rave.                           
                                                            
32285 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



There's Christine, Lynne, Maggie and Kay,                   
They work there for almost no pay.                          
And boy how he lusts,                                       
For their glorious busts,                                   
But they won't let him have it away.                        
                                                            
32286 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



They say "Dave, you surely can figure,                      
With Zak, Tony, Mike, Fred and Trigger.                     
You must think us simple,                                   
To prefer your poor pimple;                                 
Your belly's all you have that's bigger...                  
                                                            
32287 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



... Than what's hung on Harry or Martin,                    
Or Spider.  Our legs we'd be partin',                       
For all of that crew,                                       
But alas, not for you;                                      
You'd be finished just as we were startin'.                 
                                                            
32288 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



"In this brothel, what's most irritating,"                  
She said, "is the men copulating.                           
Very few have the flair                                     
Of true savoir faire.                                       
The others are just masturbating."                          
                                                            
32289 HOOKERS - HOUSES               A. N. Wilkins       P9205



Down the street, there's an old Grand Hotel                 
Which years ago, looked pretty well.                        
Now the guests only stay                                    
For an hour, let's say;                                     
What goes on in there, I couldn't tell.                     
                                                            
32290 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Big Mama                 



The doorman -- it's still the same pal,                     
Who was there when the house was still swell --             
Is now wearing a gun                                        
Sure looks like not fun,                                    
And every one just calls him Al.                            
                                                            
32291 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Big Mama                 



To get in, you first ring a bell.                           
Inside someone is raising hell.                             
Pretty girls, far too flirty,                               
Speak words that are dirty                                  
(I believe that their bodies they sell).                    
                                                            
32292 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Big Mama                 



In Geelong, old Fanny Lou Mae                               
Had a boat in the back of Backbay.                          
She had a large hoard                                       
Of young ladies on board;                                   
They were open for business all day.                        
                                                            
32293 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Woody Dykott             



There was a cat house in Skidoo,                            
That was perched on a peak for the view.                    
But the miners who climbed it,                              
Seemed never to mind it,                                    
For the girls always knew what to do.                       
(Supposed to be in the Death Valley, CA, area)              
32294 HOOKERS - HOUSES               J A Mc                   



A young man deprived of young women,                        
Did visit a whorehouse in Drimmin.                          
He walked in the joint,                                     
With his pecker 'on point',                                 
And the sperm in his ballocks was brimmin'.                 
                                                            
32295 HOOKERS - HOUSES               kathiw@innet.com         



When I knocked on Miss Millicent's door                     
In search of a lay, she got sore:                           
"You addled old souse,                                      
This ain't a whorehouse--                                   
It's only the house of a whore!"                            
                                                            
32296 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Norm Storer         P9205



To the cat house up Christopher Alley                       
I trots me each night to see Sally.                         
If she's busy upstairs,                                     
Others flash me their wares,                                
But she's so good at patient, two-hour affairs,             
That only with Sally I'll dally.                            
32297 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Grand Prix Lim  671      



Remember that night in Algiers                              
When we polished off three dozen beers                      
And all eight ugly broads                                   
At 'Fatima and Maudes'.                                     
How our memories fade with the years.                       
                                                            
32298 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Martin Wellborn     P9505



The whore house nearby in Tucson                            
Lays their overflow trade on the lawn.                      
The cock and cunt fights                                    
Are a sight summer nights,                                  
And we dread the quick coming of dawn.                      
                                                            
32299 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                   G1879



At a commercial hotel in Concord                            
They offer more than room and board.                        
They have Rosy and Flora,                                   
Doris, May, Isadora;                                        
The guests are completely over-whored.                      
                                                            
32300 HOOKERS - HOUSES               H Myers             T9801



At the brothel the other day,                               
The girls said they wanted to play                          
A little game                                               
That was very tame;                                         
I'd not have any other way.                                 
                                                            
32301 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Puff Adder               



I entered a room with Denise;                               
A girl who is eager to please.                              
She raised my erection,                                     
A thing of perfection,                                      
An covered it with cream cheese.                            
                                                            
32302 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Puff Adder               



Then into the room came Chloe;                              
I thought she was going to blow me.                         
She grabbed my cock,                                        
Then pulled out a crock                                     
And added some paste of anchovy.                            
                                                            
32303 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Puff Adder               



Then entered the girl we call Tickle;                       
She's always been somewhat fickle.                          
She grabbed my joint,                                       
Right at the point                                          
And deposited a nice gherkin pickle.                        
                                                            
32304 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Puff Adder               



Then came a girl named Adelph;                              
Quite the tantalizing little elf.                           
She said, "I'll go down."                                   
I gave her a frown;                                         
It looked good, so I ate it myself.                         
                                                            
32305 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Puff Adder               



Observed an old stager named Wade,                          
"A real classy place I got laid:                            
As you leave by the rear,                                   
A stark naked cashier                                       
Takes charge cards and stamps your prick PAID!"             
                                                            
32306 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Armand E Singer       839



Farinelli, that musical bloke,                              
Dropped by Francesca's place for a poke.                    
Though an affable sort,                                     
He came up a bit short.                                     
So he dressed and went outside to smoke.                    
                                                            
32307 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Joel Cohen               



Though no signal was ever more trite,                       
A man doesn't have to be bright--                           
He may not know beans                                       
To be sure what it means,                                   
Whenever he sees a red light.                               
                                                            
32308 HOOKERS - HOUSES               A. N. Wilkins       P9208



Why hadn't he gone to Diane's,                              
Or even that parlour, Cheyenne's?                           
To Crystal in Stoke;                                        
Or old Sadley Broke,                                        
To that lovely Mystical Nan's?                              
                                                            
32309 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



Just then some illegal Kazakhstans                          
Arrived in six rusty old Luton vans;                        
Took the Uhlans away                                        
And so paved the way                                        
For Hannes to hold on to his pecans.                        
                                                            
32310 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



So there he was, ear cocked to Roseanne's,                  
"Get down on your knees, sinner Hannes,                     
And for my tribute                                          
Just peel me some fruit.                                    
Oh, and feed me those sweet marzipans."                     
                                                            
32311 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



This orgy takes place each year, right                      
At Travis' place with delight.                              
A display in his yard                                       
As they all fuck real hard,                                 
And the neighbors all have a good sight.                    
                                                            
32312 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



What's odd about Rudy, roue,                                
And Ruby who whores on Rue A--                              
One lives on Rue D,                                         
Of course that's Ruby,                                      
While Rudy on Rue B will stay.                              
                                                            
32313 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Irving Superior     P9205



Oh Father! I have a confession!                             
I admit that I have this obsession.                         
I heard men of the cloth'll                                 
Soon open a brothel,                                        
And I'd just love to have the concession.                   
                                                            
32314 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Popsicle           TP9806



In a Brooklyn sextrap, a young buck                         
Was told by rude Shiela, "Your schmuck                      
Is just a scheckel to me..."                                
The buck stammered, "Well gee,                              
I guess I'm just shit out of luck."                         
                                                            
32315 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Grand Prix Lim  988      



I said palindromically: "Madam,                             
I'm Adam. Your girls, yes, I've had 'em.                    
But I sure must complain,                                   
And I won't come again,                                     
'Cause their boobs are so small, they must pad'em."         
                                                            
32316 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



The Madam hauled off and bopped him.                        
"I thought you came in here for quim!                       
If boobs you desire,                                        
Don't need to look higher                                   
Than Barbie dolls down at the gym."                         
                                                            
32317 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



"They're not there to exercise, mate.                       
They're just showing off their man-bait.                    
No brains and no class --                                   
They got tits and ass,                                      
But anything else, they'll frustrate."                      
                                                            
32318 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



There once was a lady named Alice                           
Who lived in a whoremonger's palace.                        
"To you it is bread,"                                       
Fair Alice once said,                                       
"But the staff of my life is a phallus!"                    
                                                            
32319 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Jane D. Hughes      P9205



The busiest girl without doubt                              
In the 3-story whorehouse would pout:                       
"The reason I'm dragging                                    
Is not all the shagging.                                    
It's those stairs that are wearing me out."                 
                                                            
32320 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Theo Heller         P9205



There was a young madam named Stonely                       
Who saw to it that men were not lonely.                     
Though the beds were all taken,                             
Not one was forsaken,                                       
They were let in for standing room only.                    
                                                            
32321 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin            



Reminds me of Josie's in Stockton,                          
A sex factory; once I had clocked on,                       
Then Josie gave you                                         
A two minute screw,                                         
Then clamped her legs and not focked on.                    
                                                            
32322 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



At Mike Jackson's, the time for a yawn                      
And retire to the bedroom salon,                            
Is known to us all,                                         
Though no clocks on the wall;                               
When the big hand, the little one's on.                     
                                                            
32323 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Hugh Clary               



There's a jock down in south Pocatello                      
Who's convinced he's a hell of a fellow,                    
For his wife gives him free,                                
(And so copiously!)                                         
What she learned in a Texas bordello.                       
                                                            
32324 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Keith MacMillan     A041A



The brothel was cleaned to good taste,                      
By sweeper McBridle in haste.                               
For when harlots were idle                                  
They were screwed by McBridle,                              
As he hated to see so much waste.                           
                                                            
32325 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Albin Chaplin   3024-1676



"Halloween", said a madam named Hicks,                      
"Is a time, girls, to honor guy's dicks.                    
Since your Johns have spent wads,                           
I'll reward them with bods,                                 
So tonight you'll be treating your tricks."                 
                                                            
32326 HOOKERS - HOUSES                                        



A Russian gent touring abroad,                              
Nabbed inside Madame B's on Cape Cod,                       
Told the cops, "For Pete's sake,                            
I get here by mistake:                                      
I tell taxi I want to get scrod!"                           
                                                            
32327 HOOKERS - HOUSES               Anon                     



The lady removed all her raiment                            
And took on young men for defrayment                        
Of her new domicile                                         
And she said with a smile,                                  
"One more fuck and I'll have the down payment."             
                                                            
32328 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin   3024-2246



No longer did she have to roam,                             
The streets and the alleys to comb.                         
Though her price was now higher,                            
She had many a buyer,                                       
And she soon bought a much larger home.                     
                                                            
32329 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin   3024-2247



She proudly condoned her caprice;                           
From rentals it gave her release.                           
She revealed, without guilt,                                
How her new home was built.                                 
She explained it was built piece by piece.                  
                                                            
32330 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin   3024-2248



Her thoughts being geared to expansion,                     
She shored up her ass with a stanchion.                     
She kicked out cajolers                                     
And decrepit bung-holers,                                   
And she moved to the town's finest mansion.                 
                                                            
32331 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin   3024-2249



She still was the sordid purveyor                           
Who catered to those who would pay her.                     
But it all went for naught.                                 
She deserved what she got                                   
When she married His Honor, the Mayor.                      
                                                            
32332 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin   3024-2250



There was a young whore from Azores;                        
Her house had a great many floors.                          
'Twas the best of bordellos                                 
To suit all kinds of fellows,                               
And it kept all street-walkers indoors.                     
                                                            
32333 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin            



A transexual post-op named Brenda,                          
Bought an Argentine-coast hacienda,                         
By leasing her loins                                        
To gauchos with coins,                                      
Who brought pieces-of-eight for pudenda.                    
                                                            
32334 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Hugh Clary               



In Washington, Madam LaBlunt                                
For her whorehouse prepared a new stunt.                    
On her opening day                                          
She wore a bouquet,                                         
While the President ate the first cunt.                     
                                                            
32335 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin   3024-0846



In Colombia, South Carolina,                                
There's a combination whorehouse and diner.                 
With an entree of beef stew                                 
You get a really fine screw,                                
And their shishkabob/blowjob's even finer.                  
                                                            
32336 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Michael Weinstein   P9206



Soldiers hastened to put down the gun                       
Because leave-time meant time for some fun.                 
Viet vets with their raises                                 
Still sing loud the praises                                 
Of the House of the Rising Sun.                             
                                                            
32337 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Rick Kaplowitz      P9205



Whatever your own peccadillo                                
With leather, a sheep, or a pillow.                         
Whatever you do,                                            
They'll satisfy you                                         
At Kate's Transcendental Bordello.                          
                                                            
32338 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Larry J. Davis      P9205



To a whorehouse there came a strange creep                  
Who requested and paid for "Bo Peep."                       
She came with flock and crook                               
And her strange John said, "Look,"                          
Then proceeded to screw all the sheep.                      
                                                            
32339 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



They are closing the old Mustang Ranch,                     
Goin' the way of Dodge City's Long Branch;                  
Will there be a yard sale,                                  
Bidets and towels stale,                                    
Or a mattress with residual stench?                         
                                                            
32340 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY                                



In the yard on an old army cot,                             
One last chance at a favorite twat;                         
With condoms raised high,                                   
Wave to all a good-bye;                                     
We'll go blind when it cannot be bought!                    
                                                            
32341 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY                                



Though they've vanished like five cent cigars,              
The dodo, and free lunch at bars,                           
We still much deplore                                       
That the good whore of yore                                 
Works no longer in plush sex bazaars.                       
                                                            
32342 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Grand Prix Lim   26      



A house is not always a home,                               
According to Ms. Adler's tome.                              
But could you deny                                          
Men would like to try,                                      
To settle there -- never to roam.                           
                                                            
32343 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Larry J. Davis      P9205



A hostess-staffed ballroom in Dallas                        
Excited much Bible Belt malice.                             
Guys could dance for a buck,                                
Then, for five, fund a fuck...                              
It was nicknamed "The Poontango Palace."                    
                                                            
32344 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Jim O'Conner        P9205



You will find that the House of Pauline                     
Is where critical men will convene.                         
In the month of July                                        
She was rated BEST BUY                                      
In a nationally-known magazine.                             
                                                            
32345 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin 3024  P8403



It's not just the music of cellos                           
That identifies high-class bordellos;                       
They offer occasion                                         
For either persuasion,                                      
For some of their ladies are fellows.                       
                                                            
32346 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Norm Storer         P9205



There was an old madam named Potts,                         
Whose house was the finest of spots.                        
With your car you'd arrive in,                              
Take one out to the drive-in,                               
But could not take her out of the lots.                     
                                                            
32347 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Albin Chaplin   3024-1636



There once was a whorehouse in space,                       
That traveled all over the place.                           
In the whole solar system                                   
No one could resist 'em,                                    
But few could keep up with the pace.                        
                                                            
32348 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FANCY       Neal Wilgus         P8511



I heard there's a rule No. 3                                
Designed for a tourist like me:                             
'For men who are curious,                                   
Fuck fast and fuck furious                                  
All Amsterdam women you see.'                               
                                                            
32349 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



The solution that you here depict                           
Is useless in this whole conflict.                          
In the situ I mention,                                      
Better lessen my tension                                    
In Amsterdam's red-light district.                          
                                                            
32350 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



An Amsterdam clam I did cock-o,                             
And that window girl sat on my jock-o.                      
Don't be timid, sweet thing;                                
If it wasn't for eating,                                    
It wouldn't be shaped like a taco.                          
                                                            
32351 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



Remember "Chez-What-Was-His-Face"?                          
This lovely, adorable place,                                
Where we ladies would rest                                  
And where we found the best                                 
Love-making on earth or in space?                           
                                                            
32352 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



I was mourning for dearest Le Geeze;                        
He surely did know how to please                            
This lonely old Miss --                                     
How I wish he might kiss                                    
My lips and my hips and my... please!                       
                                                            
32353 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



I wonder if Chez's is still there                           
And I wonder would anyone care                              
To show me the way                                          
To fun laughter and play;                                   
Tell me how to find pleasure - and where!                   
                                                            
32354 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



'Twas at a Chinese house of ill-repute;                     
Because of an urge I couldn't refute;                       
The madam: Ho Mahn,                                         
I believe a woman,                                          
Said, "Fifty dollar take care of you flute."                
                                                            
32355 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



There were all kinds of ho's in the room;                   
And the air smelled like Chinese perfume;                   
When Won Wai Tu Fat,                                        
Came beside me and sat,                                     
And said, "Come-up with me and boom-boom."                  
                                                            
32356 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



She was too much for me, Wai Tu Fatt;                       
Though a friend, thinks fat's where it's at;                
Her left titty was gone,                                    
And she had on a thong,                                     
With a bush like a fuzzy welcome mat.                       
                                                            
32357 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



"Me love you in all kind of weather.";                      
When she walked, her thighs rubbed together;                
Her right titty flopped,                                    
And her pubic hair mopped                                   
The floor, like a worn piece of leather.                    
                                                            
32358 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



I needed a quick change of venue,                           
Ho Mahn handed me the house menu;                           
There were all kinds of prices,                             
For the pleasures and vices,                                
And a throbbing, beckoning to continue.                     
                                                            
32359 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



As my finger went down the whole lot;                       
It paused right on Chu Sum Twat;                            
I thought about Fatt,                                       
And I passed quick on that;                                 
I thought about getting crotch rot.                         
                                                            
32360 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



My finger came to Goo Wei Chik;                             
Sloppy seconds...messy Chinese trick;                       
I re-read the thang,                                        
Picked, Yung Poon Tang,                                     
Seemed like the right Tang for the plick.                   
                                                            
32361 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



I left that house of disgrace                               
With an ear-to-ear smile on my face;                        
I'll be back again,                                         
With a hundred-and-ten,                                     
Bucks, for Ho Mahn and her place.                           
                                                            
32362 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN                              



"Allo?  I eez beezy," said Fifi.                            
"Be wiz you, monsieur, in a jifi;                           
But eef you can't wait,                                     
Knock on door number eight,                                 
And young Mimi will see to your stifi."                     
                                                            
32363 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Peter Wilkins            



An innocent, virginal, dreamy                               
Expression on beautiful Mimi;                               
But deep down desires                                       
Much like smoldering fires,                                 
Promise night-times, volcanic and steamy.                   
                                                            
32364 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Peter Wilkins            



I had the same thing with young Kate.                       
So randy I just couldn't wait,                              
But Kate's sis was willing.                                 
I gave her a milling,                                       
I'd I'd come when Kate came too late.                       
                                                            
32365 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Tiddy Ogg                



By contrast, young Fifi's up-front.                         
She'll approach you and ask for a punt,                     
Saying, "Fancy a cure                                       
For your stiffy, monsieur?"                                 
As she presses your hand to her cunt.                       
                                                            
32366 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Peter Wilkins            



Peter strolled down the Champs Elysees                      
With a leash on two poodles Francais.                       
Young Mimi and Fifi                                         
Enthralled mutts quite beefy,                               
Who sniffed this fine doggy buffet.                         
                                                            
32367 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Randog                   



While learning to play the bassoon                          
In a bordello in downtown Rangoon,                          
My reputation for blowing                                   
Got all the girls going.                                    
These Burmese gals love a good tune.                        
                                                            
32368 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Bill Wall                



There once was two ladies from Paris,                       
Who said to me, "Please come and share us."                 
They did me all ways,                                       
And now I sing praise,                                      
It turned out they were hookers from Kara's.                
                                                            
32369 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Richard Long             



With the well-run Kraut brothel in sight,                   
The troops put the Wehrmacht to flight.                     
And to no one's surprise,                                   
The girls switched to GIs                                   
Without losing even a night.                                
                                                            
32370 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     A. N. Wilkins       P9205



I rang Northern Escorts last night,                         
To ask for a night of delight.                              
"Let's see," said the voice,                                
"We have Mary or Joyce;                                     
You may check them out now on our site."                    
                                                            
32371 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Peter Wilkins            



Mary and Joyce, our two pearls!                             
Both royalty!  Daughters of Earls!                          
So shy and discreet!                                        
So wonderfully sweet!                                       
They're two of our daintier girls.                          
                                                            
32372 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Hermione                 



The pleasures of old Singapore                              
Are seductive -- you cry out for more.                      
There's massages and rubs                                   
And dubious clubs,                                          
With unspeakable things on the floor.                       
                                                            
32373 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     Bill Wall                



There was a stout lad of the fleet,                         
In Cherbourg, in the chips, and in heat.                    
He bought out La Maison                                     
De Madam de Bonbon,                                         
And kept calling for girls toot-di-sweet.                   
                                                            
32374 HOOKERS - HOUSES - FOREIGN     John Ciardi              



An artist, one night in Khartoum,                           
Was broke and in need of a room.                            
He swapped an intaglio                                      
To rent a seraglio                                          
And got a bit more than a rheum.(discharge from eyes & nose)
(seraglio - harem, brothel, warehouse)                      
32375 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Philo Logue         P8407



An indian down in Khartoum                                  
Runs a whorehouse for freaks in her room.                   
But a bitch from Bombay                                     
Daisy-chains it away,                                       
While she's friggin her ass with a broom!                   
                                                            
32376 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL                           G0629



Locked with a hooker fell Brown                             
From a steep cat-house roof to the ground.                  
Arms entwined; knocked out cold;                            
When a passing drunk told                                   
The Madam, "Your sign just fell down!"                      
                                                            
32377 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Theo Heller         P9205



A madam once set up a tent                                  
With a red light hung over the vent,                        
Where girls could rent asses                                
Quite cheap to the masses,                                  
Because of the savings in rent.                             
                                                            
32378 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Norm Storer         P9205



After driving all day (God it's hot!)                       
I found Maude's, and I groaned "I crave twat;               
Barkeep, need the roughest                                  
And by God the toughest                                     
And meanest old whore that you've got."                     
                                                            
32379 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Allen Wolverton          



Said the barkeep, "For your appetite,                       
(Remember the fit won't be tight)                           
We got her, (won't bite)                                    
For an hour or all night;                                   
Down the hall, second door on the right.                    
                                                            
32380 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Allen Wolverton          



"Well alright!"  I paid up, took a pair                     
Of cold bottles of beer to her lair;                        
Down the hall I did lunge,                                  
Thinking how I would plunge                                 
My hot prick in the wild raunchy mare.                      
                                                            
32381 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Allen Wolverton          



Second right, I kicked open the door;                       
"Where in hell is that mean rough tough whore?"             
"You just found her, young dude"                            
As she quickly stripped nude,                               
Bending over, put palms on the floor.                       
                                                            
32382 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Allen Wolverton          



I stopped; put the beer bottles down;                       
Sort of gulped; it was hairy and brown!                     
"How'd you know the position                                
I want for coition?                                         
Hold on babe, we're going to town."                         
                                                            
32383 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Allen Wolverton          



This good old gal then let a fart;                          
In my face her twat winked (oh my heart!).                  
"It's so tough, can't abuse it;                             
You might want to use it                                    
To open those beers 'fore we start!"                        
                                                            
32384 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Allen Wolverton          



That whorehouse of Vlad's is a pit.                         
The desk clerk he hired's a twit.                           
I packed up my bags,                                        
Said, "Good-bye!" to those hags,                            
But on my way out I got bit.                                
                                                            
32385 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL                                



That turned me around mighty quick,                         
For my head it did spin <gulp, I'm sick>                    
Okay, I'll come back...                                     
Give the job one more crack,                                
But my teeth just might give you a prick.                   
                                                            
32386 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL                                



The Johns, in long lines, try to cash in.                   
My new reputation is passion.                               
I warn them (in vain,                                       
Cause they're loving the pain)                              
"The blow job may make you look ashen."                     
                                                            
32387 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL                                



Peter Lilley and Michael Portillo,                          
Thought wanking and bumming were brillo.                    
So they took off their socks,                               
And got out their cocks,                                    
In a sleazy Westminster bordello.                           
(two ex-cabinet ministers)                                  
32388 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Tez Burke                



There was an old whore from Bengal                          
Who maintained her house in a hall.                         
This fine use of her senses                                 
Cut down all expenses;                                      
Her piece price dropped to wholesale for all.               
                                                            
32389 HOOKERS - HOUSES - HOVEL       Albin Chaplin            



It's Rodeo Night at Jean-Claude's,                          
And she'll be the Belle of the Bawds,                       
If she can stuff up this dong;                              
(It's ten inches long!)                                     
Beats everything over a Maudes.                             
                                                            
32390 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE  Ericka                   



You know that Le Geeze passed away,                         
But his spirit is here now to stay.                         
Girls, you must know                                        
That there'll be a show                                     
At Jean-Claude's on Saturday.                               
                                                            
32391 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE  Kitten                   



I've saved something special, remember?                     
A taxidermist took care of that member;                     
He expertly preserved                                       
What is now reserved                                        
For subscribers who sign in September.                      
                                                            
32392 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE  Kitten                   



It's attached to a rodeo machine;                           
The best thing that I've ever seen.                         
Colored buttons lead                                        
To options of speed,                                        
And there is much humping between.                          
                                                            
32393 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE  Kitten                   



So Saturday, please don't be dumb;                          
We will eat some steaks and mash gum.                       
There will be a reward                                      
For the last one to board,                                  
Who is also the last one to come.                           
                                                            
32394 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE  Kitten                   



Now this is most wonderful news!                            
It will be quite exciting to use                            
Le Geeze's lost member,                                     
Erect like tall timber,                                     
Attached to a bucker that moos.                             
                                                            
32395 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE  Jeanie                   



I'll be there with boots and a hat,                         
A bolo tie and pair of chaps.                               
The rest of me bare,                                        
When I perch on that chair                                  
And ride like a wanton hellcat.                             
                                                            
32396 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE  Jeanie                   



Oh, please, can I make reservations?                        
Are there guys of different nations?                        
I'd like a French guy;                                      
(I think you guess why),                                    
I'm looking forward with anticipation.                      
                                                            
32397 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



There's no need to reserve for tomorrow;                    
Just arrive and instructions you'll follow.                 
There will be fun                                           
For everyone;                                               
We'll have a great time: goodbye sorrow!                    
                                                            
32398 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Jean-Claude's guys are "up" for inspection,                 
So there's no need for circumspection.                      
Choose the one for you,                                     
(You can even have two)                                     
A photo album shows each erection.                          
                                                            
32399 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



There are males from all over the place                     
And not one has a horrible face.                            
There are bodies for all                                    
Some big, some small,                                       
Some run, some walk -- choose your pace.                    
                                                            
32400 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I'm brushing up now on my French,                           
So I can lure more than one wench,                          
For a tune-up supreme,                                      
About which they'll dream...                                
I'll loosen them all with my wrench.                        
                                                            
32401 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



It's time to go set the alarm,                              
I'll soon will be leaving the farm                          
To go to the city,                                          
For 'hot nitty-gritty':                                     
That's Friday night sex done with charm!                    
                                                            
32402 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Tonight we'll cruise down the old river,                    
And drink a few brews for my liver;                         
Then after the cruise                                       
She'll light my long fuse,                                  
Then what an explosion I'll give 'er!                       
                                                            
32403 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



There's no-one around now, my dear.                         
Come on in; shut the door - over here.                      
You may fondle my thighs,                                   
Make my dongle arise;                                       
You may do what you like with my gear.                      
                                                            
32404 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Jean-Claude's hung a note on the door                       
"Please enter for pleasures galore                          
Tonight it is free                                          
There's no entrance fee                                     
Come on in and the wine will pour"                          
                                                            
32405 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Then we'll all choose an envelope;                          
There'll be no "kick 'n rush" or grope.                     
When you find your match,                                   
Hold on to your catch;                                      
They're all experts; they're able to cope;                  
                                                            
32406 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Then we'll each be off to a room,                           
Accompanied by our groom;                                   
The rest you must tell                                      
Here on A J L;                                              
You will not be shy, I assume.                              
                                                            
32407 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



It was 10 when I stood at that door,                        
Wondering what was in store...                              
Jean-Claude let me in.                                      
(He was dressed in a pin-                                   
Striped beret and a smile, nothing more...)                 
                                                            
32408 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I blushed as he relocked the key                            
And he said, "Not to worry, cheri.                          
Tonight's 'invite only'                                     
Especially for lonely                                       
Young wives.  Mum's the word, mon ami!"                     
                                                            
32409 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I entered into a large room                                 
Where music played at low volume.                           
A bowl sitting there,                                       
Full of small little square                                 
Envelopes, beckoned me like perfume...                      
                                                            
32410 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I chose one at random and was all                           
A-tremble when I read, "You get Paul.                       
He's in Room Eleven.                                        
You also get Kevin.                                         
A pair guaranteed to enthrall."                             
                                                            
32411 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Paul had a most manly physique,                             
Like one of those Gods who were Greek...                    
His cock was erected                                        
And nicely protected,                                       
With a condom bought in a boutique...                       
                                                            
32412 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



He said it would glow in the dark                           
And he plied it with skill (his trademark).                 
And what staying power!                                     
(We romped for an hour)                                     
And he once made a sound like a bark!                       
                                                            
32413 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



But Kevin was better, my dears...                           
He did things to me not done in years...                    
I swear that his tongue                                     
Was a half a foot long...                                   
And the dear boy could breathe through his ears!            
                                                            
32414 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I've been licked, lapped and sucked on in places            
I'd forgotten existed!  They're aces!                       
I'll remember their names                                   
And all of their games,                                     
And angelically handsome young faces...                     
                                                            
32415 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



My evening in ecstacy went                                  
By much too quick and I am spent!                           
My knees are like jelly;                                    
My breasts and my belly                                     
Still tingle.  They were heaven sent!                       
                                                            
32416 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I'm tired and worn out and glad,                            
Such a good time I seldom have had!                         
Although only one guy                                       
For me - I thought - My!                                    
But till then I did not know 'my' Tad...                    
                                                            
32417 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I'd say, best I liked room number 4;                        
(The one with the sun on the door).                         
A whirlpool was sprinkling                                  
Lights like stars twinkling,                                
And white sand was covering the floor.                      
                                                            
32418 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



When we entered I said "Beg your pardon...                  
This looks like a Japanese garden                           
In a warm full moon night!"                                 
Wow -- it felt right --                                     
Already my nipples did harden!                              
                                                            
32419 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Lovely Ted whispered words in my ear                        
And helped me to undress - oh dear!                         
I went out of my mind                                       
When his ..HMMMM.. I did find.                              
I was far too greedy, I fear.                               
                                                            
32420 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



After we had let off the first 'steam'                      
And my face started to gladly beam,                         
We jumped into the pool                                     
Where we'd laugh and we'd fool                              
Around - yes we made a great team!                          
                                                            
32421 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



From the distance I heard music play;                       
No longer in water we'd stay.                               
I stretched out on a bed                                    
And then sweet lovely Ted,                                  
Softly touched me and I heard him say:                      
                                                            
32422 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



"A masssge I vill give you, sveet'eart,                     
Just tell me, dear, vhere shall I start?                    
At your feet or your face                                   
Or your 'ot 'ungry place?                                   
My 'ands surely vill vork vith art!"                        
                                                            
32423 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



His hands were so gentle and tender;                        
How could I do else than surrender?                         
He had me all moaning,                                      
All sighing and groaning,                                   
And this time I was not a pretender.                        
                                                            
32424 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Then he stroked me with leaves of bamboo,                   
Kissed my lips and my neck, shoulders too.                  
And his sensible mouth                                      
Worked its lovely way south,                                
So again I exploded...ooh - OOOOH!                          
                                                            
32425 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



For an hour or so we just lay                               
While hands and tongues still up to play.                   
Well, then I took the rein                                  
And - you guessed it! - again                               
We were heavenwards-bound, so-to-say.                       
                                                            
32426 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



The night was still young; there was more                   
Ted did to me there on the floor.                           
But my eyes... they are closing,                            
I nearly am dozing,                                         
I sure need a rest now, before...                           
                                                            
32427 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Oh Girls you must go to Room "T";                           
It's brimming full with mystery.                            
Just take my word,                                          
You'll come out blurred;                                    
I'll relate what happened to me.                            
                                                            
32428 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Handcuffs, blindfolds and a feather;                        
Chains and small nix made of leather;                       
The thought of his fingers                                  
On my memory lingers;                                       
Seem to recall there was some heather.                      
                                                            
32429 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



He said "You've got nothing to do;                          
I'm going to take care of you."                             
As he took of my clothes,                                   
My temperature rose;                                        
He just smiled with his eyes so blue.                       
                                                            
32430 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



He then carried me to the bed;                              
I can't tell you what was in my head.                       
He had such charm;                                          
I tried to stay calm,                                       
But found myself trembling instead.                         
                                                            
32431 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



He told me my body was "yummy",                             
As he laid me down on my tummy.                             
I said to my chum                                           
"Please use a condom                                        
I don't want to become a mummy."                            
                                                            
32432 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



He said "Don't worry I'll take care                         
My job is to carry you there.                               
You've nothing to fear,                                     
Just relax my dear."                                        
It was more than I could bear.                              
                                                            
32433 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I was bound by my hands and my feet,                        
When I sniffed an essence so sweet.                         
Hot droplets fell;                                          
My heart did swell;                                         
I couldn't wait for the moment we'd "meet!"                 
                                                            
32434 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I was massaged from neck to toes,                           
And not only my temperature rose.                           
He was such an expert                                       
And he made it hurt;                                        
He sure knew how desire grows.                              
                                                            
32435 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Now I don't want to spoil the show,                         
But girls to Room "T" you must go.                          
At the end of the game,                                     
I said "What's your name?"                                  
And he said "Just ask for Pedro."                           
                                                            
32436 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I've sampled Jean Claude's killer brew,                     
That tasty and warm frothy spew,                            
As he tongued with pleasure                                 
My soft fragrant treasure,                                  
And slid in his fingers - one, two.                         
                                                            
32437 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Before getting into my pants                                
And claiming he wanted romance,                             
He tickled my nips                                          
With wet luscious lips,                                     
And slowly we began to dance.                               
                                                            
32438 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



He said, "Dear, I hope you don't mind,                      
Your cunt I'll be wanting to grind                          
Up against the wall                                         
With both of my balls                                       
And pole, which I'm sure you will find...                   
                                                            
32439 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



...Is hard as a rock, growing bigger;                       
Feel 'round, discover the trigger."                         
Out like a shot,                                            
Coming quite hot,                                           
He smiled and said, "I got to frig her!"                    
                                                            
32440 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



That squealing is not my complaint!                         
I find making love sounds, quite quaint.                    
It's tattling later                                         
Of which I'm a hater.                                       
I need a man skilled in restraint.                          
                                                            
32441 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I am a most dutiful wife,                                   
But I lead a most wearisome life.                           
While my husband's away,                                    
If I choose to play,                                        
I don't want to deal with the strife!                       
                                                            
32442 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I'm sure that the men are discrete,                         
'Bout married gals taking their meat.                       
A pile of our dollars                                       
Can quiet their hollers,                                    
So we all can enjoy a sweet treat.                          
                                                            
32443 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Flabbergasted, I am at this lewd                            
And licentious behavior so crude,                           
From ladies once chaste,                                    
Who have now been disgraced,                                
By these prurient acts they've pursued.                     
                                                            
32444 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I'll not speak for the others, just me;                     
I've often been "chaste" Hugh, you see.                     
But there is no glory,                                      
If the love story                                           
Doesn't have a good end, you'll agree.                      
                                                            
32445 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



At JC's they know what we need,                             
And have what it takes to feed                              
Our heart's desire                                          
With burning fire.                                          
So I will go back, yes indeed.                              
                                                            
32446 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Of house work and chores I grow weary,                      
I'm in the mood for some fun now, my dearie.                
That trip to Jean-Claude                                    
Has awakened this broad                                     
to delights of the flesh.  Here's my theory:                
                                                            
32447 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



To be lonesome's a worrisome thing,                         
And I crave what a fellow might bring.                      
Since I'm rather hot,                                       
Let me see what you've got                                  
To distract me and make my bell ring...                     
                                                            
32448 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Your dick is continually hard?                              
I wonder then, is it quite scarred?                         
Seems it would get caught                                   
In doors and what-not.                                      
It would be a true shame if it's marred.                    
                                                            
32449 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Your suspicions of me are correct:                          
I'm a true fan of "tongue dialect."                         
So you'd lick my nodal                                      
And maybe you'd yodel                                       
Down the canyon to win my respect?                          
                                                            
32450 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Ladies look just outside your front door,                   
You will find a red rose; perhaps more                      
Like a soft tickling feather,                               
Maybe something of leather;                                 
Think of me, I have wonders galore.                         
                                                            
32451 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Very soon the weekend will be here                          
And then I'll be calling you near,                          
To taste sweet, languid passion                             
Which is never in fashion                                   
With young studs, who think just of their spear.            
                                                            
32452 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



With Big Mama we drove to his door,                         
But Monsieur le Geeze was no more                           
A huge, smelly fart                                         
Had stopped his heart;                                      
We found him laid out on the floor                          
                                                            
32453 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Janice had long disappeared;                                
Big Mama fainted as I'd feared.                             
Le Geeze was cold,                                          
But I felt bold,                                            
So I kissed his whiskers and beard.                         
                                                            
32454 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



At Jean-Claude's, Le Geeze was fine;                        
All the girls would queue up in line.                       
How lucky I'd brought                                       
My scissors I thought.                                      
I'd got an idea for his shrine.                             
                                                            
32455 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I unbuttoned his fly in a sec,                              
And I quickly cut off his peck.                             
That piece of wood                                          
Felt so good;                                               
I used it a while, what the heck!                           
                                                            
32456 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Big Mama awoke from her sleep                               
And immediately started to weep.                            
I showed her the prize                                      
And to my surprise,                                         
She went into a trance real deep.                           
                                                            
32457 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



We went home, each on our own;                              
In a hanky I'd wrapped the bone.                            
Then off I rode                                             
To see Jean-Claude;                                         
At the bad news he let out a groan.                         
                                                            
32458 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



His love-house stays open today,                            
(Le Geeze would have liked it this way).                    
But please wear black;                                      
Don't be taken aback,                                       
At the sight of his meat in the tray.                       
                                                            
32459 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Jean-Claude will soon dedicate                              
A room to his newly lost mate.                              
I'm just hopin'                                             
When it's open,                                             
Le Geeze will still put us in a state.                      
                                                            
32460 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I'm mourning - please hear my lament:                       
The best of men was heaven sent!                            
He will never return                                        
AH -- This pain! -- It will burn!                           
He was such a wonderful gent!                               
                                                            
32461 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I'm speechless, of all joys bereft;                         
I'm sad because nothing is left                             
Than to whisper "Adieu,                                     
Our lovely Monsieur!"                                       
Death claimed him - Oh what a bad theft!                    
                                                            
32462 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



This day I will mark down as black;                         
To Jean-Claude's I will not go back.                        
All my things I will pack                                   
And dress in a sack;                                        
I'll care for no man - what the heck!                       
                                                            
32463 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Well, last weekend was near a full moon;                    
All the girls came to hear Jean's boys croon;               
Now, no one's employed,                                     
Who can fill up their void,                                 
With a long and most agile harpoon!                         
                                                            
32464 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Moon is waning; Le Geeze has just died;                     
But we still hear those crickets outside;                   
All the AJL men                                             
Will be "courting" again,                                   
When the girls all come back lusty-eyed!                    
                                                            
32465 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



The Pied Piper relived in Le Geeze;                         
Now you're back; we'll turn off our TV's;                   
With priorities firm,                                       
We can eagerly squirm;                                      
Get in front, now, and down on your knees!                  
                                                            
32466 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Girls, this morning I did a test run                        
And though I must admit it was fun,                         
What weakened my knees                                      
Just wasn't Le Geeze,                                       
Who's the Best when all's said and done.                    
                                                            
32467 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



I mounted the stiff one so silent                           
And off for a long ride I went,                             
But detected a moan                                         
And a wriggle and groan,                                    
Then realised it was a live gent.                           
                                                            
32468 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Though the pecker procured some emotion                     
(I'd have liked a rePete in slow motion)                    
I knew that the tickle                                      
Came from a pickle,                                         
That lacked Geeze's peppered potion.                        
                                                            
32469 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



So down from the saddle I got                               
And though I was feeling quite hot,                         
I sniffed his feet                                          
And recognised Pete,                                        
(But he was not breathing a lot).                           
                                                            
32470 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Jean-Claude helped me drag him away;                        
Now in a dark room he does lay.                             
Don't stare if you visit,                                   
Don't ask "just what is it?"                                
Just smile and wish him Good Day.                           
                                                            
32471 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



Oh bugger! Discovered I be.                                 
I knew this would happen to me.                             
At least I had fun                                          
With the kittenish one,                                     
And a moment (or twenty) of glee.                           
                                                            
32472 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



But now I've been dragged to this room                      
And left (Kitten thinks) to my doom.                        
I'll dream of young Jeanie                                  
And play with my weenie,                                    
To keep me amused in the gloom.                             
                                                            
32473 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



For sure I'll continue to plot;                             
Jean-Claude I could maybe garotte.                          
But no - when it's dark,                                    
I'll creep out and I'll park                                
Myself under a hot little twat...                           
                                                            
32474 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



...Pretending to be a machine                               
That fucks in a manner obscene.                             
I'm sure, come the night,                                   
If I switch off the light,                                  
All the girls will be eager and keen.                       
                                                            
32475 HOOKERS - HOUSES - JEANCLAUDE                           



The back room of Maude's is the place                       
Where the girls love to sit on your face.                   
You don't have to be young                                  
If you've got a long tongue,                                
And you buy them cold beer by the case.                     
                                                            
32476 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasel            



The back room's where boys turn into men,                   
When they give a few bucks just for ten                     
Minutes of blowjobs,                                        
By some sweaty slobs,                                       
Who for skinny young guys have a yen.                       
                                                            
32477 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasel            



So if you are feeling the gloom,                            
And you want a dick hard as a broom                         
Handle, take my advice:                                     
Don't stop to think twice;                                  
Get your ass down to Maude's back room!                     
                                                            
32478 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasel            



The cop went to Maude's to evict her.                       
"Sanitation", he said, "must be stricter."                  
When he saw her triangle,                                   
His cock rose at an angle.                                  
To Hell with the law -- he just dicked her.                 
                                                            
32479 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasel            



Curvilinear trapezoid box,                                  
Not a triangle's on that old fox;                           
If that cop has a round                                     
On her trickling mound,                                     
He will find that he's gotten the pox.                      
                                                            
32480 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Allen Wolverton          



When he bangs his head on the bed-board,                    
His hair will stick there, 'pon my word!                    
When the cop can't get loose,                               
Maude's big dog named Bruce,                                
Will hump him.  He'll die by the sword.                     
                                                            
32481 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Allen Wolverton          



At Maude's Back Room we won't refuse                        
A geezer who pays his full dues                             
To pay for his member...                                    
(Oh, now I remember --                                      
So far in arrears is ol' Hugh's!)                           
                                                            
32482 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



That the gals down at Maudes are the dregs,                 
I discovered while standing on kegs                         
At a window, whose pane saw                                 
One using a chainsaw,                                       
For the purpose of shaving her legs!                        
                                                            
32483 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Hugh Clary               



At Maude's Back Room, we've got a sale                      
On items marked down 'cause they're stale;                  
So make an appearence                                       
At "Maude's Summer Clearance"                               
And take home a used piece of tail.                         
                                                            
32484 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



There's Edna, the whore with the mange,                     
And Flottsy, whose sucking is strange;                      
So empty your kitty,                                        
Or you will see Tiddy                                       
Own both girls for scant pocket change.                     
                                                            
32485 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



If you want an amputee tart,                                
There is Red, who won John Miller's heart;                  
For only a dime,                                            
She'll give you a great time,                               
Since she has no legs for to part.                          
                                                            
32486 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



And portly Pam pumped hard by Scott                         
Will go for whatever you've got;                            
But pity the man                                            
Who thinks his dick can                                     
Touch one single spot in her twat!                          
                                                            
32487 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



Of course, there's this thin German frau                    
Who's never been cheaper than now;                          
When you see her grin,                                      
And come on her chin,                                       
And price tag, you'll have to say "Wow!"                    
                                                            
32488 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



There's Darla, now who could resist her,                    
Since so many lovers have fist her?                         
She screams like a rabbit                                   
And still wears the habit;                                  
A gift from a tryst by some "Sister."                       
                                                            
32489 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



For pennies, a great buy is Grace,                          
Who wears nipple pasties of lace;                           
This bottle-blonde creature                                 
Was once a great teacher;                                   
Taught Carol to sit on John's face.                         
                                                            
32490 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



A buck will buy Fay who's been bitten                       
By lesbianism -- no shittin'!                               
It happened one night                                       
While on a French flight,                                   
Where she nudged the breasts of one "Kitten."               
                                                            
32491 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



For only the price of a liter                               
Of Ripple is Mae, our young "greeter,"                      
Who stands in the weather                                   
In garters and leather,                                     
And picks off the crabs left by Peter.                      
                                                            
32492 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



I know that this preview's been brief,                      
But whether you're beggar or thief,                         
Please come take a sample;                                  
Our "Clearance" is ample,                                   
With sexual scraps for relief!                              
                                                            
32493 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



"Ms. Gertrude A. Pippin, age 80,                            
Is turning to dust in a shady                               
Old Dixieland graveyard;                                    
She was a kind, brave bard                                  
Who died while at Maude's, like a lady."                    
                                                            
32494 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



So Gertie's old body will molder,                           
She leaves thus her sister to shoulder                      
The load of the choads,                                     
In Maude's whore's abode,                                   
And make geriaphiliacs smolder.                             
                                                            
32495 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Good ol' Maude's has a "working" girls' loo;                
Not too dainty,  bacterial zoo;                             
The flies all die young                                     
On the seat!  What's that strung?                           
Oh, it's  cheeses, from Petrie Dish Sue!                    
                                                            
32496 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



"The bathroom's been long occupied;                         
An odor emits from inside.                                  
Please someone...I'm wishin'                                
You'd call a mortician,                                     
I fear that poor Heather has died!"                         
                                                            
32497 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



My bathroom is spotlessly clean,                            
The surfaces really pristine,                               
For freedom from germs                                      
You need when your worm's                                   
A-probing the parts of Christine.                           
                                                            
32498 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



The damn walls here have ears - that's the shits!           
But I'd rather see acres of tits;                           
Now, at Maude's place down South,                           
You can open your mouth!                                    
Nuzzling nips!  That's as sweet as it gets!                 
                                                            
32499 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Maude's girls have been treating me shabbily,               
Incrustations infecting me scabbily.                        
Irritations and itching!                                    
I'm frenziedly twitching!                                   
Developing graybeard so crabbily.                           
                                                            
32500 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Hugh Clary               



Maudes Back Room is having 'March Madness,'                 
An annual frolic of gladness;                               
Frau Eva of Germany                                         
Without being sermony,                                      
Will demonstrate all of her badness...                      
                                                            
32501 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



With men and machines, and of course                        
The 'Lesbian Labia Force,'                                  
And last, but not least,                                    
A long-phallused beast                                      
That's thrice damned near caused her divorce.               
                                                            
32502 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



Please don't miss our March Madness, please;                
It's free to all lovers of sleaze!                          
So make the excursion,                                      
Enjoy the perversion                                        
That brings Eva down to her knees!                          
                                                            
32503 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Rue Schlock              



I've complained of those dykes till I'm sick,               
But management's dim-witted and thick.                      
Though most of the straights                                
Are very nice dates,                                        
The lesbians aren't doing dick!                             
                                                            
32504 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Hugh Clary               



While the guys are all in MBR,                              
I'll be in the front, tending bar,                          
Without any shoes,                                          
Serving up the booze,                                       
And strumming my Spanish guitar.                            
                                                            
32505 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Carol                    



Sanitation here ain't very swell;                           
Folks have named this joint Maude's Roach Motel;            
Guys pile in for to groove,                                 
But get stuck; they can't move,                             
Off the floor of this brothel from Hell!                    
                                                            
32506 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Can you see now that Maude's a disgrace?                    
As we see by her pimply face.                               
In the butt she was corn-holed                              
By a lez with a dildo,                                      
Whilst being thrown out of her place!                       
                                                            
32507 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



That big ass now alone walks the street,                    
With bruises and nasty black feet.                          
To the cop she did give,                                    
A bad case of the HIV,                                      
And he shot her on a lonely back-street.                    
                                                            
32508 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Good ol' Maude was a queen of the ma'rms;                   
Now an 'aldehyde jug saves her charms;                      
On display 'bove the bar,                                   
Though it seems quite bizarre;                              
We will toast 'em with raised scrofulous arms!              
                                                            
32509 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



This bar's moonshine's called Popskull Supreme;             
It burns innards to make a man scream;                      
We sure hope that Miz Rue,                                  
Gets improved Mountain Dew;                                 
Or at least stuff that won't poach our cream!               
                                                            
32510 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Some changes I'll make to the place;                        
Though Maude's mem'ry I will not disgrace.                  
The girls will be sleazy;                                   
Their cunts will be greasy;                                 
But they all will still sit on your face!                   
                                                            
32511 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



I want the back room to be right,                           
With cold beer and pussy so tight.                          
For it to be the best,                                      
Please post your request;                                   
The back room needs perverted insight!                      
                                                            
32512 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Oh, Miz Rue, those boff stalls!  Love of Mike!              
Each new housekeeper looks; takes a hike!                   
Love, these floors ain't been mopped,                       
And those sheets ain't been swapped,                        
Since way back when us folks all liked Ike!                 
                                                            
32513 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



One working gal haunts my nightmares;                       
Cadaverous! Young dudes she scares;                         
Been a mover and groover,                                   
Since the days of Herb Hoover;                              
There's silverfish in her short hairs!                      
                                                            
32514 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Maude's Popskull sure made her look great;                  
But, next morn, can't recall what you ate;                  
But your teeth will fall out,                               
And the dentist, no doubt,                                  
Will install a brand-new upper plate!                       
                                                            
32515 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Miz Rue's staff can please any lad;                         
There's four-legged mates to be had;                        
For friends from New Zealand;                               
She's dates who will squeal and                             
Will moisten their wool really ba-a-a-d!                    
                                                            
32516 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



"The back room of Maude's needs a wizard                    
Who has a quick tongue like a lizard,                       
It must be quite long                                       
And needs to be strong,                                     
To keep my ass warm in a blizzard."                         
                                                            
32517 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



But she never did miss a lick,                              
As she pulled and she tugged on my dick.                    
It was hard for her snatch,                                 
A mad cat couldn't scratch,                                 
Now was time for me to lick her clit!                       
                                                            
32518 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



She screamed and dug into my back,                          
As my length penetrated her crack.                          
She just could not fit                                      
The sheer size of it,                                       
For the last inch she had not the knack!!                   
                                                            
32519 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



But she took most of it at her leisure,                     
'Cause she knew I would be one to please her,               
And with no regret,                                         
Our lips and balls met,                                     
And she jerked not unlike a seizure.                        
                                                            
32520 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



That night was just such the craze,                         
Miss Schlock is now quite the knave,                        
Only with me,                                               
Does she want to be,                                        
She has become my best sex slave.                           
                                                            
32521 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



"The profits at Maude's are fantastic.                      
Our need for more whores is quite drastic;                  
Send wrinkled ones quickly,                                 
And old ones real sickly:                                   
Their cunts stretch just like hot elastic!"                 
                                                            
32522 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



I hear that old Maude is expanding,                         
With rooms at the second-floor landing;                     
At the top, every varlet                                    
Is tripped by a harlot,                                     
'Cause she hates to keep gentlemen standing.                
                                                            
32523 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES                               



Foxy Petrie Dish Sue's from Moline,                         
Where everything grows nice and green;                      
But this year, she came South;                              
Down to Maude's!  Shut my mouth!                            
Now my dentures will never get clean!                       
                                                            
32524 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Allen Wolverton          



I heard she arrived from Helsinki,                          
Wearing dresses exceedingly slinky;                         
By paying Maude's price,                                    
She will treat you quite nice,                              
And show you a stunt that is kinky.                         
                                                            
32525 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Allen Wolverton          



When she straddles your face, you will grin,                
And you'll see lots of hair, not much skin;                 
Though you know you'll get chancres,                        
Unknown to young wankers,                                   
It's great when she greases your chin.                      
                                                            
32526 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Allen Wolverton          



Maude's gals have a club with cohesion,                     
That was formed by a pretty Parisian,                       
And named for the patches                                   
One gets from their snatches;                               
That's right!  The American Lesion!                         
                                                            
32527 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Hugh Clary               



I'm sending advance invitation                              
Announcing "Maudes Spring Celebration"                      
The first week in May                                       
So you can prepay                                           
For tickets and make preparation.                           
                                                            
32528 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



Exciting events are on tap:                                 
All whores (who are free from the clap),                    
Will deep-lick their cunts                                  
While doing their stunts,                                   
For gratis on every guy's lap.                              
                                                            
32529 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



And surely you won't want to miss                           
The special we call "Sunday Bliss";                         
All men will be treated                                     
With lewd acts repeated,                                    
By who than "nun" other -- Sis Chris!                       
                                                            
32530 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



So guys, grease your poles and get ready;                   
The action will be hot and steady.                          
Throughout night and day,                                   
The first week in May,                                      
Our "Maude's Back Room" whores will pump steady.            
                                                            
32531 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



Maude's new star is Petrie Dish Sue,                        
And her vessel is quite a rich brew.                        
You pour on the coal;                                       
Guess for whom the belle tolls,                             
When her clapper is clanging for you.                       
                                                            
32532 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



Petrie Dish Sue is so willing                               
To ring your small chimes when you're filling               
Her bells open space,                                       
With your entire face;                                      
Her clapper will give you a killing.                        
                                                            
32533 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



If love has been passing you by,                            
It's time to give Maude's whores a try;                     
You'll get satisfaction                                     
And scream "This is action!                                 
The best sluts that money can buy!"                         
                                                            
32534 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



Get ready for love all through June;                        
Our whores will make you shoot and swoon,                   
When you feel how loose                                     
Their quims are from use,                                   
And you lick the tang from their poon.                      
                                                            
32535 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



So come on guys, June will be jumpin',                      
The whole month's intended for humpin'.                     
You're sure to find love                                    
When you give a shove                                       
Inside that whore's tunnel you're rumpin'!                  
                                                            
32536 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



I guess we'll be lacking the men,                           
That month while they play in that den,                     
With Maude and her whores.                                  
Hope that their pus-filled sores                            
Don't ooze and infect them again.                           
                                                            
32537 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Carol                    



They're no housekeepers, Missy Maude's whores;              
Leave your shoes on when entering their doors;              
Your footing gets sticky,                                   
All crunchy and icky,                                       
'Cause roaches are stuck on the floors.                     
                                                            
32538 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Allen Wolverton          



The roaches, on floors, will be staying.                    
But not on our whores when you're playing.                  
Our whores, quite determined,                               
De-bugged and de-vermined                                   
Themselves with that Raid, they've been spraying.           
                                                            
32539 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Travis Brasell           



Big old Mabel's delightful to hustle;                       
A surprise now's where once was a bustle!                   
When she grips your fat todger,                             
It's hard to dislodge her                                   
Big tough pubococcygeus muscle!                             
                                                            
32540 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MAUDES      Allen Wolverton          



A sign in a whorehouse entreated:                           
"Pay twice if your act is repeated.                         
We are no fools,                                            
So stick to the rules,                                      
Making sure that all leaps are completed."                  
                                                            
32541 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Jane D. Hughes      P9205



Since there's been a her and a him,                         
From Saigon's piasters of Diem,                             
To shekels of gold                                          
In Sodom of old,                                            
There's always been commerce in quim.                       
                                                            
32542 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Larry J. Davis      P9205



Said clever West German Karl Munch,                         
"Don't think that I'm way out to lunch.                     
As a horny young fellow,                                    
I'll just buy a bordello;                                   
Like grapes, whores are cheaper per bunch."                 
                                                            
32543 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Armand E Singer       136



There was a young lady named Clive;                         
The house than she kept was a dive.                         
Though her business did grow,                               
She had prices so low,                                      
She could even give change for a five.                      
                                                            
32544 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Albin Chaplin            



"All gentlemen please get in line,                          
The whores here at Maude's are real fine;                   
We're having a sale                                         
On selected tail:                                           
Most whores will be $3.99!"                                 
                                                            
32545 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Travis Brasell           



"We have easy financing, too,                               
If cash flow's a problem for you.                           
We'll mortgage your house                                   
And won't tell your spouse!                                 
So come on and try something new.                           
                                                            
32546 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Travis Brasell           



When Maude's here, guys should not chew;                    
And her snatch ain't exactly fondue;                        
For the old hermit, Dave,                                   
Threw her out of his cave;                                  
As he screamed "She is one rotten screw!"                   
                                                            
32547 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Travis Brasell           



This Maude, dear sir, is just fickle.                       
She's cheap and will tickle your pickle;                    
While she may be rotten,                                    
Have your, sir, forgotten                                   
That last time you paid just a nickel.                      
                                                            
32548 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Travis Brasell           



In my youth, five cents went a long way;                    
But old Maude said, "Dear boy, that's OK;                   
Just don't blow bubble gum                                  
Lest it stick to my bum;                                    
Spit it out 'fore you eat my souffle!"                      
                                                            
32549 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Allen Wolverton          



A young Limey soldier named Fells,                          
When he took three-day-passes to Wells,                     
Put up at bordellos,                                        
For as he told the fellows,                                 
"Whorehouses cost less than hotels."                        
                                                            
32550 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       A. N. Wilkins       P8406



The cathouse on Stuckzipper Lane                            
Is the place about which I complain.                        
They go in for strange vices                                
At exhorbitant prices,                                      
And my bank account's feeling the strain.                   
                                                            
32551 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Grand Prix Lim  605 G1872



An absentminded old man, name of Joe,                       
Knocked on the door of a bordello.                          
The madam, named Ann,                                       
Said, "You've had it, old man."                             
"I have?  Then how much do I owe?"                          
                                                            
32552 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Bob Phillips             



An entrepreneur name of Muntz                               
Owns all of the good beds in Lunz.                          
So if you must screw,                                       
You owe that damned Jew;                                    
You pay for the beds plus the cunts.                        
                                                            
32553 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Armand E Singer       341



This bordello outside Craigellucky                          
Faltered not in pursuit of the buckie.                      
Since it first was begun,                                   
It has followed the one                                     
Simple dictum, "No money, no fucky!"                        
                                                            
32554 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Keith MacMillan      100b



Madame Lee advertised on TV:                                
"Next week, all second blowjobs are free!                   
And don't forget May:                                       
One third off each lay!                                     
In June prices go down, as do we."                          
                                                            
32555 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Micheal Weinstein   P9206



SMALL popcorn is now popcorn LARGE;                         
Those bills with a sneaky surcharge;                        
One/half will divorce                                       
The reason, of course:                                      
The prostitutes take Master Charge.                         
                                                            
32556 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       Irving Superior     P2006



Although real estate can be bad news,                       
The Vatican bankers don't lose,                             
For they know they can earn                                 
A consistent return                                         
From rents on elite Roman stews.                            
(stew - brothel)                                            
32557 HOOKERS - HOUSES - MONEY       A. N. Wilkins       P9205



"I say, what an ignorant fellow!                            
Have you never been in a bordello?                          
For choice tits and bums,                                   
There everyone comes,--                                     
Why son, you are shaking like jello!"                       
                                                            
32558 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Laurence Perrine    P9206



A young college student namd Matthaus                       
Studied up for exams at the frat house.                     
But the boning done there                                   
Didn't start to compare                                     
With the boning he did at the cathouse.                     
                                                            
32559 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING                        G1834



There was a young man from Cape Sponge;                     
Bad thoughts he was taught to expunge.                      
And when all the young fellows                              
Went into bordellos,                                        
He decided he should take the plunge.                       
                                                            
32560 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Albin Chaplin            



Sly reformer, the prudish John Wence,                       
Screamed, "I entered this house on pretense!"               
But the Madam and "Girls"                                   
Were atop him in swirls,                                    
Though his protestations were intense.                      
                                                            
32561 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Loren Fitzhugh      P0101



All the girls thought it a grand charade                    
And quite diligently plied their trade,                     
Until the new John Wence                                    
Said, "I'll spare no expense.                               
They've converted me now, I'm afraid."                      
                                                            
32562 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Loren Fitzhugh      P0101



Remember dear lovable Chuck,                                
Who was frequently down on his luck?                        
Well, he's surfaced again                                   
With his miniscule brain,                                   
And he's desperate to learn how to fuck.                    
                                                            
32563 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



"I need some instruction, dear Pete,"                       
He said, blushing as red as a beet;                         
For I've just met a girl;                                   
Now my head's in a whirl                                    
And I'd sure like to give her a treat.                      
                                                            
32564 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



"There's Amy, the tart with a heart",                       
I explained, "who could teach you the art                   
Of seduction and more."                                     
"Well I'm really not sure,"                                 
Mumbled Chuck, "Could you draw me a chart?"                 
                                                            
32565 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



So I drew one of these 8===>, labeled A,                    
And then merrily two inches away                            
I drew this (o), labeled B                                  
And said, "Chuck, do you see?                               
You put A into B when you play."                            
                                                            
32566 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



"Part A; is that mine?" muttered Chuck.                     
"That's my boy," I said, "How do you fuck?"                 
I put A into B?                                             
But my name starts with C;                                  
Please relabel it 'case I get stuck.                        
                                                            
32567 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



So A, 8===>, I relabeled as C.                              
He said, "Thanks Pete, now C is for me.                     
But my head's in a whirl                                    
For my girlfriend's named Pearl."                           
So Part B, (o), I relabeled as P.                           
                                                            
32568 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



"But what is this part labeled C?"                          
"It's a penis." "And this labeled P?"                       
"Is a cunt", I enthused,                                    
Feeling slightly bemused,                                   
For it seemed topsy-turvy to me.                            
                                                            
32569 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



"This chart; may I take it anad read                        
It tonight while I'm doing the deed?"                       
"Why of course, my dear Chuck;                              
Have a jolly good fuck",                                    
I said, hoping to hell he'd succeed.                        
                                                            
32570 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Peter Wilkins            



To succeed in the brothels at Derner,                       
One always begins as a learner.                             
Indentured at six                                           
As a greaser of pricks,                                     
One may rise to be fitter and turner.                       
                                                            
32571 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING                        L1010



An aged Rumanian whore, Gabor,                              
Taught her daughters the art and the lore,                  
Of keeping the house                                        
When shedding a spouse.                                     
It beats peddling ass door to door.                         
                                                            
32572 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    John Ciardi              



The rich freshmen enrolled up at Yale                       
Hardly knocked it at all on the rail.                       
To prevent the temptation                                   
For crude masturbation,                                     
They'd frequent Polly Adler's for tail.                     
                                                            
32573 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    A N Wilkins         P9205



An Annapolis madam named Gideon,                            
Used to say on inviting a middy in,                         
"Now, lad, don't be nervous.                                
It gets hard in the service,                                
But my girls all have soft tums to tiddy in."               
                                                            
32574 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    John Ciardi              



There was an old fellow of Berne                            
Whose son was the cause of concern.                         
For girls were perplexing;                                  
He knew nothing of sexing;                                  
So they went to a whorehouse to learn.                      
                                                            
32575 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Albin Chaplin   3024-0042



They picked an old whore without peers;                     
The father fucked this one for years,                       
But the son was so thrilled                                 
When his wants were fulfilled,                              
That he wed the old whore, it appears.                      
                                                            
32576 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Albin Chaplin   3024-0043



There's a stately old house on the Seine;                   
Well regarded by French noblemen.                           
Of a style Ill Repute                                       
Known as the Institute                                      
For Turning Young Boys into Men.                            
                                                            
32577 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Laurence Perrine    P9206



To help with adulthood's beginning,                         
When a teenager's hormones start spinning,                  
A pimp and his spouse                                       
Have established a house                                    
Where a boy can learn all about sinning.                    
                                                            
32578 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Norm Storer         P9205



As part of his schooling, young Kent                        
To a fancy bordello was sent.                               
With just enough coins                                      
To rent one pair of loins;                                  
When the money was gone, he was spent.                      
                                                            
32579 HOOKERS - HOUSES - TEACHING    Norm Storer              



There was an old strumpet named Glynn,                      
Who went to the gym to keep trim.                           
There was nothing mysterious                                
For the matter was serious;                                 
Making love as a business is grim.                          
                                                            
32580 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1531



To try her new safety appliance,                            
A cautious young miss in Alliance                           
Laid three men free to test;                                
Now her worry's at rest                                     
And she gets a big fee from her clients.                    
                                                            
32581 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Grand Prix Lim  311      



A thoughtful old hooker named Jewell                        
Said, "Life can be dirty and cruel,                         
But always on Sundays,                                      
I slip on fresh undies;                                     
It gives me a sense of renewal."                            
                                                            
32582 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Armand E Singer       586



Young Joe, who was not in the groove,                       
Could not get the whore to approve.                         
So she let little Joe                                       
Fuck her twice in a row,                                    
For she felt there was room to improve.                     
                                                            
32583 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1537



A worn-out old harlot named Pyle                            
Got gack into whoring with guile.                           
She took off for a week,                                    
And returned to her peak --                                 
All she did was sit tight for a while.                      
                                                            
32584 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1640



There was an old whore, Winifred,                           
Who redid her room gold and red.                            
She received much acclaim,                                  
But the reason men came,                                    
Was to view her new spread on the bed.                      
                                                            
32585 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1697



The zipper got stuck on my fly;                             
Embarassed, I thought I would die;                          
But a lively young tart,                                    
Yanked the whole thing apart;                               
Said: "Love, it's no time to be shy!"                       
                                                            
32586 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Allen Wolverton          



By not growing wheat, farmer Fox                            
Got subsidy grants by the box.                              
But his daughter, a whore,                                  
Made a bundle, much more,                                   
And her grant was for not raising cocks.                    
                                                            
32587 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin            



She's called "The Professional Sinner";                     
Twenty bucks and she lets you get in her.                   
If given a fifty,                                           
Things really get nifty.                                    
Ten more and she'll take you to dinner.                     
                                                            
32588 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Lims For Year - 01       



Maud, for a lifetime, just whored,                          
Till her hole grew so big, men got bored.                   
So she sewed up the thing                                   
With a long piece of string,                                
And now they just pull on the cord.                         
                                                            
32589 HOOKERS - IMPROVED                                 G1887



To the doc went the whore of St. Anne's,                    
And her visit fit into his plans.                           
He checked her cirrhosis                                    
By means of hypnosis,                                       
Then he reamed out her cunt with his glans.                 
                                                            
32590 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-2275



At a derelict brothel, whore Snyder,                        
When a customer would not bestride her,                     
She turned them arount                                      
And announced "I shall mount!"                              
Whence it follows the whorse was the rider.                 
                                                            
32591 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Hugh Oliver         A114A



There once was a young singing whore,                       
Who could take on ten men, but no more.                     
She would sing through each fuck,                           
And if you were in luck,                                    
You'd get in on the musical score.                          
                                                            
32592 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Bob Birch                



The best way for training a whore,                          
To keep doing her sexual chore,                             
Is to make her remember                                     
Two kinds of good timber:                                   
A big cock and a damn two-by-four.                          
                                                            
32593 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Travis Brasell           



A wily old codger named Ryerson                             
Advised a young lad, "Don't you buy her, son,               
Till you see by the bore                                    
That you've got a good whore,                               
And you've taken a minute to try her, son."                 
                                                            
32594 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-2274



A sordid old whore of Fort Meyer                            
Was screwed for two bucks and no higher.                    
But her faults were correctable,                            
And now she's respectable,                                  
For the price of her ass is much higher.                    
                                                            
32595 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1518



The resourceful old hooker from Brighton                    
Men's experience wanted to heighten.                        
She dressed in black leather,                               
Tickled balls with a feather,                               
And douched with pure alum to tighten.                      
                                                            
32596 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



There was a young plumber named Fenchter,                   
Who wrenched an old whore and he benched her.               
She went into a panic;                                      
But there came a mechanic --                                
With a twist of the wrist he unwrenched her.                
                                                            
32597 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1509



A fun-loving hooker named Cass                              
Inked, "ENTRANCE, PERMISSION TO PASS                        
GIVEN DOGS AND MERE MORTALS                                 
THROUGH THESE FUR-BEARING PORTALS,"                         
And "EXIT" writ large on her ass.                           
                                                            
32598 HOOKERS - IMPROVED             Armand E Singer       453



There once was an Indian Maid,                              
A whore she was by trade.                                   
For two-bits a whack,                                       
She'd lay on her back,                                      
And let the cowboys ram it up her crack.                    
                                                            
32599 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    L0939



One day to her surprise,                                    
Her belly began to rise,                                    
And out of her cunt                                         
Jumped a little black runt                                  
With his ass between his eyes.                              
                                                            
32600 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    L0940



Oh, the moon shines tonight on Mrs. Porter,                 
She had a daughter,                                         
Who was a slaughterer,                                      
She washed her cunt with caustic soda,                      
To keep the odor from growing strong.                       
                                                            
32601 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    L0941



A cyber-vamp left me a cooky,                               
Although I was hoping for nooky;                            
Now there's pop-ups galore,                                 
From most ev'ry old whore;                                  
They'll flash their dead meat and yell: "Lookee!"           
                                                            
32602 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



A lady of joy, young and bold,                              
Offered ass to a man for some gold.                         
The man was beguiled                                        
By her warmth as she smiled,                                
But the ass that she sold was ice-cold.                     
                                                            
32603 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1452



A cross-eyed young stud fond of sewing                      
Was found out at sea, gently rowing.                        
Two whores he had with him                                  
Claimed though he had rhythm,                               
Couldn't say he was coming or going.                        
                                                            
32604 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



There was an old trollop of Mayence                         
Renowned for her nasty defiance.                            
She would curse you and spit on you,                        
Piddle and shit on you--                                    
This pleased only a few of her clients.                     
                                                            
32605 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    G1835



I met an old whore from Hong Kong,                          
Who's talent for the job was all wrong.                     
Her tits hit her knees;                                     
Her gash smelled like cheese;                               
When I came, almost bit off my dong.                        
                                                            
32606 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



I picked up a whore after my job,                           
And paid her to slob on my knob.                            
After a hot beef injection,                                 
I did an inspection                                         
And found out she bit on my kabob!                          
                                                            
32607 HOOKERS - INEPT                Trekking Guy             



I've discovered the real missing link;                      
Why tarts intellectually stink.                             
For as pig is to vulture,                                   
You can lead whores to culture,                             
But you sure as hell can't make them think.                 
                                                            
32608 HOOKERS - INEPT                Friar               T9801



There was a young thing from Missouri,                      
Who fancied herself as a houri.                             
Her friends thus forsook her,                               
For a harlot they took her,                                 
And she gave up the role in a fury.                         
                                                            
32609 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    L1039



A lady of joy on the street                                 
Was stopped by a butcher discreet.                          
For this man was beguiled                                   
By her warmth when she smiled,                              
But she sold him a cold cut of meat.                        
                                                            
32610 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1669



There was a young woman of Norway                           
Who drove a rare trade in the whore way.                    
'Till a sodomite Viscount                                   
Brought cunt to a discount,                                 
And the bawdy house belles to a poor way.                   
                                                            
32611 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    L1042



An old and experienced whore                                
Said, "My business is really a bore,                        
But I struggle to keep                                      
From going to sleep,                                        
For my patrons complain if I snore."                        
                                                            
32612 HOOKERS - INEPT                A. N. Wilkins       P8503



A tough-minded, aged deaf strumpet                          
Told lovers to like it or lump it.                          
It made them so mad                                         
To know they'd been had,                                    
One pissed in her hearing-aid trumpet.                      
                                                            
32613 HOOKERS - INEPT                Armand E Singer        83



A harlot did not think it funny                             
To hear the bad jokes told by Bunny.                        
"I will not," she said,                                     
"Have such filth in my bed!"                                
And she cursed him and gave back his money.                 
                                                            
32614 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin 3024  G1794



An impatient old harlot of Corning                          
To her husband presented a warning:                         
"Get your ass out of bed,                                   
I must earn daily bread,                                    
So do not oversleep in the morning."                        
                                                            
32615 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1475



We don't know much of Phallos, the Greek.                   
He engaged seven sluts for a week.                          
But the two who survived,                                   
Upon being revived,                                         
Were too flabbergasted to speak.                            
                                                            
32616 HOOKERS - INEPT                John Ciardi              



From the mouth of a nubile young whore,                     
"But sir, you've already had four,                          
And I'd like you to know,                                   
You should not be slow,                                     
Since EROS spelled backward is SORE!                        
                                                            
32617 HOOKERS - INEPT                Jim Goodsel              



A harlot deficient was Bess;                                
She had nothing at all to caress.                           
Her titties were small,                                     
She had no ass at all,                                      
But she promised much more for much less.                   
                                                            
32618 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-0401



There once was a fellow from Norfolk,                       
Who wondered how well does a Horfolk.                       
So he tried all the pros,                                   
And now what he knows,                                      
In Norfolk a Horfolk's a Porfolk.                           
                                                            
32619 HOOKERS - INEPT                Pierce Evans             



There was an old hooker named Ryan,                         
Who kept tryin' and tryin' and tryin'.                      
She tried all the way,                                      
From Maine to L.A.,                                         
But not even the Okies were buyin'.                         
                                                            
32620 HOOKERS - INEPT                John Ciardi              



Said the bank teller, "Sorry, Miss Munn,                    
As a callgirl, you've just been undone                      
By a client named Beck,                                     
Who's rescinded his check,                                  
On the grounds of inadequate fun."                          
                                                            
32621 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



The crotch of a harlot Alsation,                            
Was the largest throughout the whole nation.                
But she said the enormity                                   
Of her grevous deformity,                                   
Was a hazard in her occupation.                             
                                                            
32622 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-0384



An innocent lady in Cicester,                               
One day asked an elderly visitor,                           
"Now why's it illicit                                       
For a girl to solicit,                                      
When a man can become a solicitor?"                         
                                                            
32623 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



Maverick, our resident old fart,                            
Decided he'd date a young tart.                             
On that very night,                                         
Not far from delight,                                       
Couldn't get her legs spread apart.                         
                                                            
32624 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



There was a young lady from Bude,                           
Who lived by the sea in the nude.                           
And would in the port,                                      
With sailors cavort,                                        
Who were stewed, blewed, screwed and tattooed.              
                                                            
32625 HOOKERS - INEPT                Tiddy Ogg                



Another young lady from Bude                                
Liked to walk around in the nude.                           
Yes, even sans knickers,                                    
Which quite shocked the vicar's                             
Wife, Judy, 'cause she was a prude.                         
                                                            
32626 HOOKERS - INEPT                Tiddy Ogg                



But fellows were all to her glued;                          
From Newquay to Penzance, she screwed.                      
And ne'er use proctective                                   
Device contraceptive...                                     
Of kids, now she has quite a brood.                         
                                                            
32627 HOOKERS - INEPT                Tiddy Ogg                



With sense she was not well imbude.                         
When told that she ought to include                         
Some sun-screening oil,                                     
Saw garage-hand Doyle,                                      
And splashed herself over with crude.                       
                                                            
32628 HOOKERS - INEPT                Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a hooker named Judy,                         
Who now and again was moody.                                
She'd fuck on a Monday,                                     
But never on Sunday,                                        
What a funny conception of duty.                            
                                                            
32629 HOOKERS - INEPT                B. Rice                  



There was a hooker from Honshu                              
Who on peckers and peni did chew.                           
Said a friend, "Why don't you                               
Have them stick it in you,                                  
Then you could enjoy the sex too."                          
                                                            
32630 HOOKERS - INEPT                Henry Mucha              



"I find aspects of hooking quite sleazy,"                   
Says a finicky harlot named Kesey.                          
"Though is costs me some bread,                             
I refuse to give head,                                      
Since my virtue, while easy, is queasy."                    
                                                            
32631 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



An itinerant harlot named Fife,                             
For the railroad detective caused strife.                   
She sold sexual relations                                   
On the platforms of stations,                               
But could not find her station in life.                     
                                                            
32632 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin            



An errant young lady named Cass                             
Refused to spend Sundays at Mass,                           
Sneered at the Trinity,                                     
Lost her virginity,                                         
And ended up peddling her ass.                              
                                                            
32633 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



In Britain a harlot named Skillings                         
Sold ass for a crown and nine shillings.                    
But she failed to adapt                                     
To new coins and was trapped;                               
She no longer could make out her billings.                  
                                                            
32634 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2304



A would-be young harlot was Bess,                           
But had nothing at all to caress.                           
Her titties were small,                                     
She had no ass at all:                                      
She could hardly do business with less.                     
                                                            
32635 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    G1742



A call girl with manners defective                          
Greeted her Johns with INVECTIVE.                           
And though she was hot,                                     
Few customers got                                           
And now is a nun introspective.                             
                                                            
32636 HOOKERS - INEPT                Chris Papa               



A bible-belt whore of St. Claire                            
Gave service beyond all compare.                            
She sang hymns of devotion                                  
Which brought tears of emotion,                             
And she opened each piece with a prayer.                    
                                                            
32637 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1648



Young Sadie keeps books at bordellos,                       
And she's sore as can be at the fellows.                    
All the others turn tricks,                                 
Get their fill of men's pricks,                             
But Sadie just gets polite hellos.                          
                                                            
32638 HOOKERS - INEPT                Isaac Asimov             



There was a young girl from St. Cyr,                        
Whose reflex reactions were queer.                          
Her escort said, "Mable,                                    
Get up from the table.                                      
The money's to pay for the beer."                           
                                                            
32639 HOOKERS - INEPT                Anon                L1053



There once was a tart called Victoria,                      
Promising sexual euphoria;                                  
Hoped we might write                                        
For perverted delight.                                      
Nymphomaniac whore!  We ignore ya.                          
                                                            
32640 HOOKERS - INEPT                Peter                    



As a nympho, though not very good,                          
She tried screwing the whole neighborhood.                  
Said the men, with some class,                              
"Please remove your ass,                                    
And fuck your own self, if you would."                      
                                                            
32641 HOOKERS - INEPT                Arden                    



There was an old hooker, named Shirley,                     
Who often became rather surly,                              
When dealing with guys                                      
Too slow on the rise,                                       
And not prone to finish too early.                          
                                                            
32642 HOOKERS - INEPT                Chris Papa               



Whore Shirley was surely surly;                             
Made her business decline early;                            
Lost customer Bob,                                          
So took work McJob                                          
And demeanor of a nice girlie.                              
                                                            
32643 HOOKERS - INEPT                Larry                    



McJob was a bad place to work;                              
Surly Shirley made coffee perk,                             
Delivered McKings                                           
And all other things,                                       
Even handjobs to poor male clerk.                           
                                                            
32644 HOOKERS - INEPT                Larry                    



There was a streetwalker from Kiel,                         
Who offered some fun to MacNeal.                            
With some words she did tease him,                          
And showed pictures to please him,                          
But he said, "I get more from one feel."                    
                                                            
32645 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1565



A sorry old fellow named Lorne                              
Was fucking a harlot forlorn.                               
When she told him her fears,                                
He welled up in tears,                                      
And he wished he had never been born.                       
                                                            
32646 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1586



Said the horrible harlot of Dayton:                         
"I'm getting tired of all this waitin'.                     
Fuck me, you fool!                                          
Or I'll cut off your tool,                                  
And send it to someone in Place Peyton."                    
                                                            
32647 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    G2003



A crippled old man of Manila                                
Was screwing a whore named Priscilla.                       
But he thrashed with his crutches                           
To get our of her clutches,                                 
For she grasped like a hairy gorilla.                       
                                                            
32648 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2897



There was a Young Lady of Dorking,                          
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;                      
But its color and size                                      
So bedazzled her eyes,                                      
She forgot what it was she was hawking.                     
                                                            
32649 HOOKERS - INEPT                Edwardian Leer 040       



A carpenter living in Crewe,                                
Who had nothing whatever to do,                             
Once assisted a whore                                       
With the hinge of her door,                                 
But he made her pay for the screw.                          
                                                            
32650 HOOKERS - INEPT                E O Parrot               



A belligerent hooker (while blewing)                        
Said, "I snigger and snort when I'm screwing.               
It bothers the gents,                                       
With their genitals tense,                                  
And fucks up the screwing they're doing."                   
                                                            
32651 HOOKERS - INEPT                Grand Prix Lim  560 G1744



There was a young sailor named Farber                       
Who screwed the old whore at the harbor.                    
But this young buccaneer                                    
Wore a muff on each ear,                                    
For she gave him more talk than a barber.                   
                                                            
32652 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1507



A shiftless young fellow of Kent,                           
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.                    
But as she grew older                                       
The landlord grew colder,                                   
And now they live out in a tent.                            
                                                            
32653 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    L1022



Now dating, your wealth it can break,                       
And lead to a night half-awake,                             
Alone in your crib,                                         
Having heard the old fib:                                   
"I'm sorry I've got a headache"!                            
                                                            
32654 HOOKERS - INEPT                Tim Fisher               



A painted young lady in Montague,                           
Her eyelids are smeared with a rotten hue.                  
With rouges and paint                                       
From forehead to taint,                                     
You shag her, it all will rub off on you!                   
                                                            
32655 HOOKERS - INEPT                                         



A young social worker named Lear                            
Was counseling whores in Lapeer.                            
The things that one whore did                               
Were so utterly sordid,                                     
That he worked to improve her all year.                     
                                                            
32656 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2154



There is this great hooker named Rae,                       
Far-famed for her T. and her A.,                            
But sad to relate,                                          
Her chances aren't great:                                   
The guy she just winked at is gay.                          
                                                            
32657 HOOKERS - INEPT                Armand E Singer       751



A young London hooker named Flo                             
Was frigidly told she must go.                              
The heat of her action                                      
Had produced liquifaction                                   
In the waxworks of Madame Tussaud.                          
                                                            
32658 HOOKERS - INEPT                Isaac Asimov             



For fifty per hour she's hired.                             
As soon as her new boss desired,                            
"Will you please undress?"                                  
For fifty per, "Yes."                                       
In twenty more minutes, she's fired.                        
                                                            
32659 HOOKERS - INEPT                Irving Superior     P9408



The unionized whores of Miss Clift                          
Would fuck all day long without rift,                       
But the girl fucking Hugh                                   
Disengaged halfway through,                                 
And gave up at the end of her shift.                        
                                                            
32660 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin 3024  P8608



A homely young harlot named Gert,                           
Used to streetwalk until her corns hurt.                    
But now she just stands                                     
Upside down on her hands,                                   
With her face covered up by her skirt.                      
                                                            
32661 HOOKERS - INEPT                                    G1795



By harlots, the novice is vexed,                            
And often he stands there, perplexed.                       
She goes through the motion                                 
Of utter devotion,                                          
Then discharges him, shouting "Who's next?"                 
                                                            
32662 HOOKERS - INEPT                Albin Chaplin   3024-1688



Over beer in a dimly lit bar,                               
I was puffing a ten-cent cigar,                             
When a girl of a sort                                       
Said, "You look like a sport."                              
And my wife in the shadows said "Har!"                      
                                                            
32663 HOOKERS - INEPT                John Ciardi              



A cagy old madam named Bryce                                
Was ready for all, in a trice.                              
She never ran short                                         
Of girls for the sport;                                     
She kept a few hot ones on ice.                             
                                                            
32664 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1458



I'm Gertie, the friendly house madam;                       
Name each kind of guy and we've had 'em.                    
The rich and the poor                                       
All came through our door;                                  
Our first was that guy they called Adam.                    
                                                            
32665 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Don Tidwell              



An affectionate madam of Wheeling                           
Has no trouble her passion revealing,                       
And can rise quite above                                    
The effusion of love                                        
With, at bottom, a warm mellow feeling.                     
                                                            
32666 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Keith MacMillan     A123B



Though the Wall Street reaction was laughter,               
In Nevada they show what they're after.                     
The prospectus declares                                     
The intent to sell shares                                   
For whorehouses in and near Shafter.                        
                                                            
32667 HOOKERS - MADAMS               A. N. Wilkins       P8812



A way to spur business occurred                             
To thoughtful old madam McNurd.                             
She attracted new trade                                     
And the boys had it made,                                   
When she offered two sterns for each bird.                  
                                                            
32668 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1620



A madam, a hooker of late,                                  
Went to answer a ring at the gate.                          
But when she got there,                                     
A chap drew her stare,                                      
Wrapped in bandages up to his pate.                         
                                                            
32669 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Lilsil2                  



The bandages hid every inch,                                
Which caused the madam to flinch.                           
"What brings you, Sir Knight                                
To this place of the night?"                                
"I'm here with my pecker, to wench!"                        
                                                            
32670 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Lilsil2                  



"Please don't take what I tell you, ill,                    
I'm sure you our coffers would fill,                        
But in your sad state,                                      
How the hell can you mate?                                  
Though I congratulate you on your will.                     
                                                            
32671 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Lilsil2                  



"Don't worry," he quickly did tell,                         
"I'm up to it, really quite well.                           
In fact," he then hinted,                                   
"Though I am wrapped and splinted,                          
What'd you think that it was rang the bell?"                
                                                            
32672 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Lilsil2                  



There once was a little old lady                            
Engaged in a profession shady.                              
The girls called her Madam                                  
She called the men "Adam";                                  
She was a bawdy saleslady.                                  
                                                            
32673 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                        



There was a young madam named White,                        
Who claimed that she gave prime delight.                    
She said her agitation                                      
Was the best in the nation,                                 
And the men who survived said she's right!                  
                                                            
32674 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



Sweet Winnifred strove to excel                             
In the brothel till sickness befell.                        
For the madam was sure                                      
That she'd lost her allure                                  
Since an ill Winn blows nobody well.                        
                                                            
32675 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Bob Giandomenico    P9205



Said perturbed Madam Mae, up Shit Creek:                    
"We ain't sold a fuck for a week.                           
We have cunt, we have bingo,                                
With a bottle of stingo--                                   
If that won't lure men, it's a freak."                      
(what is stingo? - McW)                                     
32676 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G1866



The madam for whom the belles toil                          
Said, "We don't lay according to Hoyle...                   
To sevice their tools,                                      
We invent our own rules,                                    
And they sure bring the boys to a boil!"                    
                                                            
32677 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  979      



Said a madame by name Mrs. Reaper,                          
"You accuse, making me a weeper.                            
Will you please listen why                                  
I can not tell a lie?                                       
I am not my brothel's keeper."                              
                                                            
32678 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Tom Patton          P0305



There was an old madam called Rainey,                       
Adept at her business, and brainy.                          
She charged ten buck or more,                               
For a seasoned old whore,                                   
But a dollar would get you a trainee.                       
                                                            
32679 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin 3024  G1858



The madam who came to Racine                                
Found that business was not very keen,                      
Since a robot designer                                      
Had made one to fuck finer.                                 
So she busted his fucking machine.                          
                                                            
32680 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



A carnival Madam said we are                                
Busy in spring 'cause we see our                            
Customer gents                                              
Do their thing in our tents,                                
And avoid engaging in PR.                                   
                                                            
32681 HOOKERS - MADAMS               OBP LIS                  



The Madam replied to Bill Sloan,                            
"Sexual parts are NOT things you can loan.                  
Although I regret it,                                       
You must come and get it,                                   
For our tail's not for sale via phone."                     
                                                            
32682 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  520      



A madam, Aunt Mame in Saint Jo                              
Told the cop, "No one's here known as Moe.                  
Clients calling, I've found                                 
Never do stick around...                                    
For our customers just come and go.                         
                                                            
32683 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  165      



There was a young madam, a peach,                           
Who would lure groups of men from the beach.                
When she got them indoors,                                  
She'd phone various whores                                  
And collect a commission from each.                         
                                                            
32684 HOOKERS - MADAMS               John Ciardi              



Sin fighters with banners of Jesus,                         
Showed films on veneral diseases.                           
But a madam named Stoker                                    
Stole a march with a smoker,                                
Where she offered free pinches and squeezes.                
                                                            
32685 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1554



Said a wicked old madam named Belle,                        
Whom the preacher was threatening with Hell,                
"I have no regrets,                                         
No doubts--and no debts.                                    
If I haven't done good, I've done well."                    
                                                            
32686 HOOKERS - MADAMS               John Ciardi              



A madam named Fay of Black Pubes                            
Said, "We lay city fellows, not rubes.                      
The hicks from the sticks                                   
Have sheep shit on their pricks,                            
And they plug our Fallopian tubes."                         
                                                            
32687 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G1202



The madam on Ball Street, East Mott,                        
Said: "Our stock in trade here is twat.                     
We are famous as wreckers                                   
Of pulsing red peckers,                                     
So drop in next time you are hot!"                          
                                                            
32688 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G1780



A crusading newspaper editor,                               
A studsman, beast, sex fiend, and predator,                 
Got a madam dismayed                                        
Saying, "Look for a raid,                                   
If you don't promptly become my best creditor."             
                                                            
32689 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G2688



A madam I'm not, but I've had 'em!                          
Did you know -- when boffing a madam,                       
No matter which way                                         
She turns she will stay                                     
The same?  She's consistently madam!                        
                                                            
32690 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                        



A civil rights madam named Grace                            
Was open for white or black race.                           
Only one, though, could have her,                           
A young buck named Traver,                                  
For the rest could not maintain the pace.                   
                                                            
32691 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



A religious old madam named Grunday,                        
For one day each week she had "Nun Day."                    
And her business did peak                                   
At the end of the week                                      
When she made it a "Father and Son Day."                    
                                                            
32692 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1540



An artful old madam named Bunce                             
In business was nobody's dunce.                             
She invited all jokers                                      
To her excellent smokers,                                   
Where she showed them some fine cunning stunts.             
                                                            
32693 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1460



Madamoiselle from Armentieres                               
Has been a Madam, sixty years.                              
However if you                                              
Should sing 'Parley Vous'                                   
You might arouse a pair of tears.                           
                                                            
32694 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Irving Superior     P9205



There wa an old madam named Douglas --                      
The floors in her house were all rugless.                   
And what passed off as beds                                 
Were but tatters and shreds,                                
But she claimed that her harlots were bugless.              
                                                            
32695 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1494



There was a young fellow named Adam,                        
Who said to the whorehouse's madam,                         
"Just bring on your crew,                                   
For I'm ready to screw."                                    
Then, including the madam, he had 'em.                      
                                                            
32696 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Isaac Asimov             



The neighborhood house of ill-fame                          
Will never again be the same,                               
Since virile young Booker                                   
Wore out every hooker,                                      
And then buggered the madam, Old Mame!                      
                                                            
32697 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  168 G1808



Heidi Fleiss says she plans to turn fink;                   
If she squeals then many will sink.                         
There is one in D.C.,                                       
That she will fricassee;                                    
But it's not Bill, as you logically think.                  
                                                            
32698 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Jim Weaver Collection    



After downing a few beers one day,                          
He went to the whore-house for a lay.                       
"Madam", he said, "I'm Saddam,                              
And well versed in Sodom."                                  
Said the Madam, "We hire men in May!"                       
                                                            
32699 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A practical prostitute, Pru,                                
Got rich when her client-list grew.                         
Then she had enough bread                                   
To send in her stead,                                       
A substitute wench for each screw.                          
                                                            
32700 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Norm Storer         P0012



There was a young madam named Kline                         
Who always kept prices in line.                             
She did not deal with tramps,                               
She had S & H Stamps                                        
And she charged just a buck ninety-nine.                    
                                                            
32701 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1568



A friend of mine from Nantucket,                            
Put all of his cash in a bucket;                            
Paid it all to madam                                        
To buy some fresh clam,                                     
And was only allowed just to suck it.                       
                                                            
32702 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Conch                    



The madam bewailed in Fort Howells,                         
"My overhead's douches and towels.                          
Men clamor for vices,                                       
But kick at the prices...                                   
What they need is a kick in the bowels!"                    
                                                            
32703 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  348      



There was an old madam named Tuckers,                       
Who simplified matters for truckers.                        
She equipped all her dives                                  
With a room for the wives,                                  
And young lads with their dads received suckers.            
                                                            
32704 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1682



A scrubby old whore of Racine                               
Invited a lad of sixteen                                    
Every week to have three,                                   
And she charged him no fee,                                 
For she said a new broom will sweep clean.                  
                                                            
32705 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1644



A hustling old madam named Park                             
Provided young girls who had spark.                         
She gave drinks, up to three,                               
Turkey sandwiches free,                                     
And a choice between light meat or dark.                    
                                                            
32706 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1624



A degenerate madam of Tulsa                                 
Was so fast that no man dared repulsa,                      
Save a person who could                                     
And who frequently would                                    
In libidinous orgy, convulsa.                               
                                                            
32707 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Keith MacMillan     A097A



Annie Chambers's plans rarely miscarried.                   
Though the length of the stay with her varied;              
A girl seldom withdrew                                      
From the elegant stew,                                      
Till Annie had seen her well-married.                       
(stew - brothel)                                            
32708 HOOKERS - MADAMS               A N Wilkins       P9205  



In a cat house just out of Cochise,                         
Madam asked, "Have you got a good piece?                    
If not, put her back,                                       
And wait here, Big Jack,                                    
And I'll send you a virgin...my niece."                     
                                                            
32709 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  781      



Said the Madam to Bumplepup Brown,                          
"My gals have the best tricks in town.                      
If you want a real honey,                                   
Flash a frogskin, dough, money...                           
Or your pants have no chance to drop down."                 
                                                            
32710 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  767      



The madam who hailed from Moselle                           
Had found that her girls did not sell.                      
He hired a boy scout                                        
To give all a workout;                                      
He advised that they quit raising hell.                     
                                                            
32711 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



A salesman who went to Red Deer                             
Found the brothel was booked for the year.                  
When he pestered Madam,                                     
She said, "Wait, young man.                                 
I've an opening for you right here!"                        
                                                            
32712 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Alex Heydon         P0402



The sex sale next door ends today,                          
And I've no dough to pay for a lay.                         
The Madam has said it:                                      
She'll give me no credit,                                   
For I still owe for lays from last May!                     
                                                            
32713 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G1877



A madam from Madison Heights                                
Said men of all races had rights.                           
So to be fair and square,                                   
She shared her derriere,                                    
And a part of her clients were whites.                      
                                                            
32714 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



Miss Jane ran a whorehouse in Kent;                         
She asked no advance, not a cent.                           
In most business we know,                                   
It is pay as you go,                                        
But with Jane it was pay as you went.                       
                                                            
32715 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1559



The irate old Madam McCall                                  
Got a grip on a deadbeat's left ball.                       
And she cried, "Either pay                                  
For two blows and a lay,                                    
Or you'll leave her with no balls at all!"                  
                                                            
32716 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G1823



Good income for skilled routines                            
By young women out of their teens.                          
Must have a good mind,                                      
Be genteel and refined.                                     
Apply Polly Adler in Queens.                                
                                                            
32717 HOOKERS - MADAMS               A. N. Wilkins       P8703



"Our price, you will find, rather varies:                   
From Angie, who often miscarries--                          
She's a buck for a lay--                                    
To ten bucks for Big Mae,                                   
And a hundred for virgins with cherries."                   
                                                            
32718 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G1882



Old Hitler in fits of caprice                               
The mad dogs of war did release.                            
But madam McAdams                                           
Collected her madams                                        
And leased out the pussies of piece.                        
                                                            
32719 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1466



A bashful young lawyer from Stowe,                          
One night to a brothel did go.                              
Whe he asked about price,                                   
Said the madam, with ice,                                   
"It's a case, sir, of 'quid quo pro'.                       
                                                            
32720 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Macsam                   



There was an old harlot named Ford                          
Who was by all actors adored.                               
Though she was notorious,                                   
Her actions were glorious.                                  
She received an Acadamy Award.                              
                                                            
32721 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



A fifth Avenue Madam named Schmeer                          
Told a comely young wench living here,                      
"The hole sale trade, Honey,                                
Pays off in real money,                                     
And you sit on a fortune, My Dear!"                         
                                                            
32722 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  524      



There was an old lady of Cheltenham                         
Said, "Cunts?  Why of course, dear, I dealt in 'em.         
I thought it my duty                                        
To make 'em so fruity,                                      
My clients used simply to melt in 'em."                     
                                                            
32723 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Linda Marsh Coll         



The Madame told Sandy McNail,                               
"Yes, we offer a high type of tail...                       
But there's no cut in prices                                
If you tear off two slices...                               
We're retail her, Man, not wholesale!"                      
                                                            
32724 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  750      



"It's 'Safety First' in our bordello,"                      
Said Madam Dullvulva, "so fellow,                           
When you pay your money,                                    
Go screw any honey                                          
Whose cunt has been painted bright yellow."                 
                                                            
32725 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Travis Brasell           



A madam opined in Key West,                                 
"The quick coming customer's best.                          
You get the same dough                                      
For the fast or the slow,                                   
But the fast come and go, and you rest."                    
                                                            
32726 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  861      



An old brothel-keeper named Sam                             
Placed ads to engage a madame.                              
Then he tried at least fifty                                
And they all were quite nifty,                              
But not one passed his stringent exam.                      
                                                            
32727 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



With a dollar, a man did presume                            
To approach an old whore of Khartoum.                       
So his dollar she took                                      
And she gave him a book,                                    
Then she showed him the self-service room.                  
                                                            
32728 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-3007



There was a young madame named Lena,                        
Who ran her house in an arena.                              
She charged ten bucks a throw                               
To observe the whole show,                                  
And for this she was served a subpoena.                     
                                                            
32729 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin            



Young Debbie; who's still at St. Trinians;                  
Rakes in the dough from her minions.                        
They're sixteen years old                                   
And they do as they're told,                                
As they travel around the dominions...                      
                                                            
32730 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                        



...and offer their cute little asses                        
To all but the lowest of classes;                           
And charge if you please                                    
Quite exorbitant fees.                                      
You should see all the dough they amasses!                  
                                                            
32731 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                        



Said old Madam Flo in Fort Erie,                            
To the new whore she hired, "Listen, dearie,                
I have one strict rule:                                     
You must squeeze the guy's tool,                            
And if it pulls off -- you be leery!"                       
                                                            
32732 HOOKERS - MADAMS                                   G2012



A madam who came from the Andes,                            
Had rooms full of girls that were dandies.                  
And some girls in a ward,                                   
If that's all you'd afford,                                 
And some girls in a room for the standees.                  
                                                            
32733 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1429



There was an old bawd named McBride,                        
Whose beautiful girls were her pride.                       
They had no inhibitions                                     
And knew all the positions.                                 
And she took laundry in on the side.                        
                                                            
32734 HOOKERS - MADAMS               A. N. Wilkins       P8604



Said the kind madam, "Now don't you fret it.                
My girls never care how they get it.                        
They'll be happy to screw                                   
Any way you want to."                                       
"No they won't, 'cause I want it on credit."                
                                                            
32735 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Martin Wellborn     P9205



The Madame at Mustang Ranch                                 
Tells all her girls in advance,                             
"If he is dripping,                                         
He's not to be getting                                      
Anything into your pants."                                  
                                                            
32736 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Gearhart                 



"Our new insurance won't cover                              
Any VD from a lover.                                        
Follow the rules                                            
And don't be the fools.                                     
Make sure each one wears a slipcover.                       
                                                            
32737 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Gearhart                 



"Worker's Comp doesn't pay for VD;                          
You're on your own there, as you see.                       
Each one of you                                             
Knows what to do --                                         
Ask first, if it stings when you pee.                       
                                                            
32738 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Gearhart                 



"Also look for the obvious bumps,                           
Before he gets into your wumps.                             
Even a rubber                                               
Can't always cover                                          
Your ass against festering stumps."                         
                                                            
32739 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Gearhart                 



A practical madam was Garrity;                              
The brothel she ran was a rarity.                           
She ran newspapaer ads,                                     
Charged half-price to young lads,                           
And was open on weekends for charity.                       
                                                            
32740 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Albin Chaplin 3024  G1814



Twenty cents was the sum of my dough                        
When I dropped in to see Madame Flo...                      
She hollered, "You creep!                                   
We don't sell that cheap,                                   
So now that you've come, you can go!"                       
                                                            
32741 HOOKERS - MADAMS               Grand Prix Lim  146      



Okay.  If you sign a receipt                                
On billing me after my treat,                               
I'll start with the wooing,                                 
Progress to the cooing,                                     
And finish by screwing you, sweet.                          
                                                            
32742 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



In the rottenest dive in Cawnpore                           
I asked a boy, "When do you whore?"                         
He replied, "Sir, at seven,                                 
And suck cocks till eleven;                                 
Then we bugger from midnight till four!"                    
                                                            
32743 HOOKERS - MALE                                    G0935a



Still a virgin at age forty-two,                            
And unhappy old maid of Purdue,                             
Trapped a midnight intruder                                 
Who reluctantly screwed 'er,                                
Then charged her ten dollars when through.                  
                                                            
32744 HOOKERS - MALE                                     G1551



A methodical fellow named Wade,                             
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.                     
He recorded each poke,                                      
Every thrust, every stroke,                                 
And precisely how much he'd been paid.                      
                                                            
32745 HOOKERS - MALE                 Isaac Asimov             



In Britain, Ms. Hunt (known as Bridey)                      
Says, "Me and son Mike ain't so tidy--                      
So for for seventeen pence,                                 
I've hired two gents                                        
To clean me and Mike Hunt every Friday."                    
                                                            
32746 HOOKERS - MALE                 Norm Storer         P9212



A TV repairman named Peak,                                  
Was called by two sisters antique.                          
He repaired their resistors,                                
Then screwed the two sisters,                               
So they asked for repairs every week.                       
                                                            
32747 HOOKERS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1376



A detective from central Mauritius                          
Became unduly suspicious                                    
When an old whore appeared                                  
Wearing moustache and a beard,                              
An illusion not thought quite propitious.                   
                                                            
32748 HOOKERS - MALE                 Mike O'Conner            



His sexual orientation                                      
Requires some clarification.                                
He's straight or he's gay;                                  
He can go either way,                                       
As long as he gets compensation.                            
                                                            
32749 HOOKERS - MALE                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



One night on a Sheffield slag heap,                         
The boffing near put me to sleep.                           
She mentioned a price;                                      
I muttered "No dice!",                                      
Then told her I never come cheap.                           
                                                            
32750 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



Got my credit card statements today,                        
And they're long as my arm and they say                     
I'm to settle them now;                                     
But I cannot see how,                                       
For there's hundreds of thousands to pay.                   
                                                            
32751 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



So I guess I'll go walking the street                       
And convice all the women I meet                            
That I'm hung like a horse,                                 
(I can prove it, of course.)                                
And suggest that they're in for a treat.                    
                                                            
32752 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



Ninety-eight thou, less six hundred...                      
Divided by five...'less I've blundered.                     
At the end of the day,                                      
You'd have earned all that pay;                             
Nearly two thousand twats you'd have sundered!              
                                                            
32753 HOOKERS - MALE                 John Miller              



Well, did you pay all your bills?                           
How many chicks paid for your thrills?                      
Did you take some time                                      
To feed them your line?                                     
Or just screw them sans any frills?                         
                                                            
32754 HOOKERS - MALE                 Marlene Lewis            



So I see that now you are curious;                          
I'll tell you but you will be furious;                      
So don't breathe a word                                     
Lest you get overheard,                                     
For kicks at my nuts are injurious.                         
                                                            
32755 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



Well, I put on my old flasher's mac,                        
And I gave my old man a good whack                          
'Til it glowed in the dark                                  
Then I went to the park                                     
And I stood in the bushes, my back...                       
                                                            
32756 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



...To an old spreading cedar-wood tree,                     
Where I waited until about three.                           
Then along came a chick                                     
Who said "Give us your dick!"                               
And I charged her my usual fee.                             
                                                            
32757 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



"Oh, do me," she cried, "I'm aflame."                       
And my god, did she scream when she came.                   
Surprised?  No, of course                                   
Not; I'm hung like a horse,                                 
And there's nothing about me that's tame.                   
                                                            
32758 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



She pleaded, "More pleassure and pain."                     
So I did her again and again.                               
For my care and trouble,                                    
I asked her for double                                      
My fee and she didn't complain.                             
                                                            
32759 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



There once was a fellow named Phil,                         
Dark and handsome, and dressed fit to kill.                 
He had a technique                                          
That left my knees weak --                                  
Until he presented the bill!                                
                                                            
32760 HOOKERS - MALE                 Kaylin                   



We were at it from three until seven;                       
She asked would I stay 'til eleven.                         
By now it was light                                         
And she looked quite a sight                                
So I took her yet further to heaven.                        
                                                            
32761 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



The fee I collected was fat.                                
When I found she'd enough, I said, "That                    
Is your lot, my dear chick,                                 
Now get off of my dick."                                    
And she staggered about and fell flat...                    
                                                            
32762 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



...On her ass with her legs in the air                      
And I laughed but continued to stare                        
As she fingered her muff.                                   
Had she not had enough?                                     
I don't know but I left her right there.                    
                                                            
32763 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



I've finished giving all my report;                         
I'd collected enough from my sport.                         
So I had a quick wank                                       
'Fore I went to the bank.                                   
Now girls, you can have me for nought.                      
                                                            
32764 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



I'm glad that you got your bills paid.                      
I'm sad for that chick that you laid                        
Low from your attention;                                    
(The kind I won't mention)                                  
At least you had got a good trade.                          
                                                            
32765 HOOKERS - MALE                 Marlene Lewis            



Pete offered his service for free                           
To curious little old me!                                   
I've got a bad heart;                                       
It would not be smart;                                      
Such excitement must just kill me.                          
                                                            
32766 HOOKERS - MALE                 Marlene Lewis            



I could become some battered wreck,                         
With hickeys all over her neck.                             
Or Ericka might                                             
Just punch out my light.                                    
It's safer just watching, by heck!                          
                                                            
32767 HOOKERS - MALE                 Marlene Lewis            



My daddy said, "Don't trust him, Kay --                     
If you do, there will be hell to pay!"                      
But Phil was my star.                                       
(I even bought him a car;                                   
He took that when he went away.)                            
                                                            
32768 HOOKERS - MALE                 Kaylin                   



The rest of the story you know;                             
I learned my lesson a long time ago.                        
So girls, take my advice;                                   
You'd better think twice;                                   
Neer marry a damned gigolo!                                 
                                                            
32769 HOOKERS - MALE                 Kaylin                   



There once was a man named Peter,                           
Who said, "Ma'am, I charge by the meter.                    
Same cost, fast or slow.                                    
Have both, so you know --                                   
Speedometer and odo-meter.                                  
                                                            
32770 HOOKERS - MALE                 Jim                      



There was a young fellow named Hiram                        
Whose wife was a nymph and would tire 'im.                  
So he hired simply scads                                    
Of unwary young lads;                                       
When they failed to produce he would fire 'em.              
                                                            
32771 HOOKERS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2109



A lustful young fellow name Mattis                          
Seduced an old maid through the lattice.                    
She offered to pay                                          
But his answer was nay;                                     
He insisted the first one be gratis.                        
                                                            
32772 HOOKERS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1369



Put down your vermouth, my old girl;                        
Life's short, so give it a whirl!                           
Meet the young Bryce --                                     
For a fair price,                                           
He'll do you until your toes curl.                          
                                                            
32773 HOOKERS - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



In spite of a wasting disease,                              
O'Reilly went down on his knees                             
Before altars of gods,                                      
Whores, boys, and small dogs --                             
And all this for very low fees.                             
                                                            
32774 HOOKERS - MALE                                     G1774



"My job as a stud, is a grind,"                             
Said Miles, "But I really don't mind;                       
My job has its perks,                                       
Occasional jerks,                                           
And getting a head and behind."                             
                                                            
32775 HOOKERS - MALE                 Travis Brasell           



That elegant gigolo, Price,                                 
Remarked, "Now, it may be a vice,                           
But one thing I know,                                       
This fucking for dough                                      
Is something exceedingly nice."                             
                                                            
32776 HOOKERS - MALE                                     G1854



A smelly, repulsive old maid                                
Was a virgin who longed to get laid;                        
She found a man, Reid,                                      
Who, to screw her, agreed,                                  
But he had to be handsomely paid.                           
                                                            
32777 HOOKERS - MALE                 Cap'n Bean          P0101



A gigolo shouldn't be spurned                               
Because of the tricks he has turned;                        
You may choose to jeer,                                     
But surely it's clear:                                      
His money is really hard-earned.                            
                                                            
32778 HOOKERS - MALE                 Norm Storer         P9703



A sad-eyed young pimp named Leander                         
Found it rather hard going, to pander.                      
For queer after queer                                       
Cocked an eye at his rear,                                  
Which they'd price with the greatest of candor.             
                                                            
32779 HOOKERS - MALE                                     G0994



While walking, a fellow named Glick                         
Was stopped by a shapely young chick.                       
He complained, "I declare                                   
I have no cash to spare.                                    
If you pay me, I'll give you a lick!"                       
                                                            
32780 HOOKERS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1860



A fetishist fellow named Yost                               
Loved a wealthy young girl on the coast.                    
He confessed that her bust                                  
Excited his lust,                                           
But her checkbook was what he loved most.                   
                                                            
32781 HOOKERS - MALE                 A. N. Wilkins       P8708



Opined a male hooker named Paige:                           
"If annual net is your gauge,                               
The profits from sin                                        
And shoving it in,                                          
Are way above minimum wage."                                
                                                            
32782 HOOKERS - MALE                 Armand E Singer       800



I know of a woman named Crumbs                              
Who will pay you for each time she comes;                   
And depending on skill,                                     
And degree of her thrill,                                   
The amount is in varying sums.                              
                                                            
32783 HOOKERS - MALE                 Cap'n Bean               



I also need practice to stand;                              
It's on my poor back that I land.                           
I'm just a male slut                                        
In permanent rut,                                           
For a mouth or a cunt or a hand.                            
                                                            
32784 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



I just have been waiting to hear                            
If your virtues cost was so dear,                           
If you garnered enough                                      
To pay for your stuff,                                      
Or you're still in hock to your rear.                       
                                                            
32785 HOOKERS - MALE                 Marlene                  



The rich resort widow told Vance                            
As she snatched off her pretty pink pants,                  
"I've been saying all day                                   
I would NOT buy a lay...                                    
But I reckoned without my damned ants!"                     
                                                            
32786 HOOKERS - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  126      



I'm weary and my ass just drags,                            
But I, too, must go pack my bags                            
All frumpy and worn                                         
And tattered and torn;                                      
Another night stuffing those hags!                          
                                                            
32787 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



You girls won't be too much affected                        
I swear you chicks won't be neglected                       
I will take a short rest                                    
And this vow you can test                                   
I snuffed out with my penis erected                         
                                                            
32788 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



Old Gertrude is Timothy's honey;                            
She's 90 and smells kinda funny.                            
She promises Tim                                            
If he sees to her quim,                                     
That she'll leave him with oodles of money.                 
                                                            
32789 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



Though Timothy can't get a rise                             
At the sight of her stringy old thighs,                     
A million bucks                                             
For a couple of fucks,                                      
Every week does the trick, I surmise.                       
                                                            
32790 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young fellow named Newt,                        
Who wished to be a prostitute.                              
He did very much vex                                        
That he was the wrong sex,                                  
And that all he could be was a fruit.                       
                                                            
32791 HOOKERS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin            



A ruthless young man from B.C.                              
Would only perform for a fee.                               
"See it this way," he said,                                 
"They just lie on the bed;                                  
But think what it takes out of me."                         
                                                            
32792 HOOKERS - MALE                 Hugh Oliver           96c



When younger my Pa said, "Go out.                           
Be a man; get a life; be a scout.                           
It will cure you of knobbin'                                
Your sister and Dobbin                                      
(Our donkey) I haven't a doubt."                            
                                                            
32793 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



When younger my Pa said, "No slobbin';                      
Go scouting and try bob-a-jobbin'."                         
I did. And guess what?                                      
I found plenty of twat                                      
And I did 'em for two bob-a-knobbin'.                       
                                                            
32794 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



A greedy male hooker named Vern                             
Paints very lewd scenes on his stern.                       
The johns as they screw him                                 
Pay more just to view him --                                
It doubles the dough he can earn.                           
                                                            
32795 HOOKERS - MALE                 Armand E Singer       120



My God! but my job is so boring.                            
Do you think I should quit and try whoring?                 
Should I peddle my ass,                                     
To lady's with cash,                                        
Who need to receive a good coring?                          
                                                            
32796 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



If your wife is the type to get jealous,                    
She should find the house marked "Serra Bellas".            
And while you have your whores,                             
She can keep her own scores                                 
With a gang of us hung Red-Neck fellas.                     
                                                            
32797 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



Sounded good when she gave me her pitch,                    
So I ran out and porked me the bitch.                       
I then checked me pockets;                                  
No signs of sex profits;                                    
The only residual is this danm itch.                        
                                                            
32798 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



A madam of East Middlesex                                   
Was sued by an old man named Tex,                           
For her hindrance to scores                                 
Of young men to be whores,                                  
And he ended her bias towards sex.                          
                                                            
32799 HOOKERS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1501



But when the old harlot fucked Ben,                         
She cried out, "Oh Lord!" and "Amen!"                       
For this man was so learned,                                
That the tables were turned,                                
And she paid him to do it again.                            
                                                            
32800 HOOKERS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1538



If indeed you must shop till you drop,                      
How about a nice shiny smooth cock?                         
It's definitly free;                                        
A nice price, indeed!                                       
And will stay hard until you beg, stop!                     
                                                            
32801 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



I went down to make an inspection                           
Queued for an hour. On reflection                           
Discovered it short,                                        
I am shocked to report,                                     
And confess I needed my specs on.                           
                                                            
32802 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



The solution I felt was quite clear;                        
A refund of monies, I fear.                                 
But he whipped out another,                                 
From somewhere or other,                                    
And stuck the damn thing in my ear!                         
                                                            
32803 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



There's an ass kisser here in Des Moines                    
Who spreads his loins for coin.                             
He said he would miss her,                                  
As he sat in the pisser,                                    
Sorting his coins from his loins.                           
                                                            
32804 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



Said a sexual athlete named Snell:                          
"These girls do not satisfy well.                           
I'm happy that passion                                      
Is still all the fashion,                                   
But I'd like to stop buying, and sell."                     
                                                            
32805 HOOKERS - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  540 G1868



I'll share what I earned gigoloing;                         
My bank book ain't even worth showing.                      
The ladies I met                                            
Whose pussies I wet,                                        
Stiffed ME and they still are all owing!                    
                                                            
32806 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



A wealthy young squaw, a Piute,                             
Thought cocksucking utterly cute.                           
And if you lacked succor,                                   
She'd laugh while you'd fuck her,                           
And tip you a dollar, to boot!                              
                                                            
32807 HOOKERS - MALE                                     G0895



In the outback of Oz lies a digger                          
Who suffers from terminal rigor;                            
A tourist attraction                                        
Who give satisfaction                                       
To sheilas who ride him with vigor.                         
                                                            
32808 HOOKERS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



There was an old man from L.A.                              
Required all the ladies to pay.                             
He plied them with gin                                      
But, it was no sin,                                         
He just made his living that way.                           
                                                            
32809 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



In Scotland, a wee, bonny lass                              
Once hired me to fill 'er crevasse;                         
The job was fulfillin',                                     
But too close to killin';                                   
She nigh worked my bone to 'er ass!                         
                                                            
32810 HOOKERS - MALE                                          



A midnight cowboy named Jervis                              
Said, "Long-peckered guys make me nervous.                  
With a shit-eating grin                                     
They shove it all in,                                       
And my asshole's a wreck giving service!"                   
                                                            
32811 HOOKERS - MALE                                     G0987



Said an offspring-rich beggar from Quoi,   (Truk Islands)   
"O great sire, this plump little boy                        
Is a bargain for sure;                                      
I can vouch that he's pure;                                 
For a ten spot you get him -- Enjoy!"                       
                                                            
32812 HOOKERS - MALE                 Armand E Singer       116



Her face was as red as the light                            
That shows in her window at night.                          
This poor working girl                                      
Was new at the whirl,                                       
Though eager to please and excite.                          
                                                            
32813 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Charlotte                



The Hardy Boys, on an adventure,                            
Both wanted to land in her center.                          
They opened her legs,                                       
Inserted their pegs,                                        
And debauched the young lass magenta!                       
                                                            
32814 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Charlotte                



"All I have is yours for the asking,"                       
Said a beauty I met down at Basking.                        
"Oh, really?" said I,                                       
She replied very shy,                                       
"Yes and fifty is all that I'm asking."                     
                                                            
32815 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Clarence E. Boyle   P8407



Although her dear husband's adoring,                        
Her homemaker's life is too boring.                         
So, to give her some thrills                                
(And to help pay the bills),                                
She now does a sideline in whoring.                         
                                                            
32816 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Lucas Hulp          P9402



Of the madam, a fellow named Prentice                       
Requested one non compos mentis.                            
"They're all busy," she said,                               
"Sucking cocks that are dead.                               
Would you care to select an apprentice?"                    
                                                            
32817 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin   3024-1638



There once was a lady from Rio,                             
Who got tired of screwing for free, so                      
She made up a list                                          
Of prices for this                                          
And for that -- now my bank account's zero!                 
                                                            
32818 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Joe Long                 



Sally-Ann combines lust and aggression                      
In each passionate sexual session.                          
She is such a good lay                                      
That her boyfriends all say,                                
She should take it up as a profession!                      
                                                            
32819 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A hot little twat name of Lillian                           
Said her pussy was worth a cool million.                    
A fellow named Rand                                         
Who tried it, said, "Bland --                               
I will stick with my sexy Sicilian."                        
                                                            
32820 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0242



It pays to play Sex-in-a-Bed,                               
For those peckers so turgidly red                           
Bring Gash Cash to a honey,                                 
(A fun way to make money)                                   
With just bugs and bastards to dread!                       
                                                            
32821 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                   G1865



What happened to Tillie May Moore                           
When she hung a red light by her door?                      
Well, the clients all came                                  
Like moths to a flame                                       
And by midnight her cash box was sore.                      
                                                            
32822 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim  366      



In the moral defense of Miss Black,                         
There would come into view a small crack.                   
So she swallowed her pride                                  
And made cash on the side                                   
Every time that she lay on her back.                        
                                                            
32823 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin            



A prudish young beauty named Gail                           
Claimed her morals would never prove frail.                 
But a coxswain named Xavier                                 
So changed her behavior,                                    
That she now spends her nights selling tail!                
                                                            
32824 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim   96      



A novice young harlot of Flushing                           
Enjoyed all the rushing and mushing,                        
Till the wear and the tear                                  
Gave her naught but despair,                                
And she found that the work load was crushing.              
                                                            
32825 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin   3024-1515



Enterprising young Katy from Kent,                          
Who lived down the road in a tent;                          
Plagued with financial trouble,                             
Saw her income double,                                      
When she hung up the sign "cunt for rent".                  
                                                            
32826 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



A young Danish lady named Mona,                             
Distributed her favours for kroner!                         
Her dad twirled his moustache,                              
Finding her source of cash.                                 
She's now locked in her room.  She's a loner.               
                                                            
32827 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Arthur Pattaffy          



An at-home wife she is no more.                             
She's taken a job as a whore.                               
In her underwear,                                           
She spanks him right there;                                 
Then she shows her hubby the door.                          
                                                            
32828 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



Though this story has some people booing,                   
The wife here might know what she's doing.                  
The thought of a spanking,                                  
Can get some folks wanking,                                 
And wanking could lead on to screwing.                      
                                                            
32829 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



She laughed sweetly and shut the door.                      
She wanted him begging for more.                            
Describe: rip and strip;                                    
The crack of a whip.                                        
He pleads for in-person encore.                             
                                                            
32830 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Bonnie                   



It really sounds like a bummer,                             
That hubby endures this from her.                           
Since she's selling her gash,                               
He should show up with cash,                                
And prove that he's still a "comer."                        
                                                            
32831 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



If the hubby has spirits to work off,                       
He just may start her out with a jerk-off.                  
If he aims down her throat,                                 
'Twill her tonsils coat,                                    
And to clean them will soon inspire her cough.              
                                                            
32832 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Ward Hardman             



While she tries hard to stifle her hiccup,                  
Saying, "Long as you still have your dick up,               
If you'll come on my tits,                                  
And attack like the blitz,                                  
Then at least I'll have something to lick up."              
                                                            
32833 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Ward Hardman             



An importunate frail from Scarsdale                         
Felt the men were neglecting her tail.                      
By deliberate design                                        
She wore a big sign                                         
Which stated, "I'VE GOT IT FOR SALE."                       
                                                            
32834 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim  358      



A woman whose name is Yvette                                
Was as poor as a person could get,                          
Till her hooker friend, Sue,                                
Showed her what she could do,                               
Now she's fucking herself out of debt.                      
                                                            
32835 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Cap'n Bean               



An eighteen year old girl, a real raver,                    
Patrolled the beach as a lifesaver.                         
Her boss deeply frowning,                                   
Saw more men were drowning;                                 
And asked her to move on, as a favour.                      
                                                            
32836 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Arthur Pattaffy          



To earn money she took to the street,                       
Like a cop, she's a regular beat.                           
After a busy session                                        
She made a confession,                                      
That her work's very hard on her feet.                      
                                                            
32837 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Arthur Pattaffy          



He was looking for nooky in Dallas                          
And walked till his feet were all calloused...              
He discovered no madam,                                     
But a barkeep named Adam                                    
Said, "Try our new waitress...Hey, Alice!"                  
                                                            
32838 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim  325      



A distinguished professor was Gluck;                        
He never a bad word had spuck.                              
But when faced with the bore                                
Of a comely young whore,                                    
He said, "What do you charge by the hour?"                  
                                                            
32839 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Al Chaplin          P9409



The daily routine was a bore                                
For a lady who managed a store.                             
With her business depressed,                                
She was somewhat distressed,                                
So she joined the Piece Corps and made more.                
                                                            
32840 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin   3024-1454



Said a horny young fellow, George Borgia,                   
"Listen, babe, when you seem me come toward ya,             
Just swallow your pride                                     
Then spread your legs wide,                                 
And I'll slip you ten bucks to reward ya."                  
                                                            
32841 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Armand E Singer       212



There was a young lady from Chad                            
Whose morals were terribly bad.                             
She'd screw for a quid                                      
Any spotty faced kid,                                       
But oldies she'd leave feeling sad!                         
                                                            
32842 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



A naughty young girl from the sticks,                       
Cavorted with local young hicks.                            
She was good at the job                                     
Of bobbing the knob;                                        
She's now in New York turning tricks.                       
                                                            
32843 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Archie                   



The first troops under Spanish command,                     
To set foot on Floridian sand,                              
Found a Seminole maid,                                      
Who took trinkets in trade,                                 
And gave them the lay of the land.                          
                                                            
32844 HOOKERS - NOVICE               John Ciardi              



There was a young lass named Theresa,                       
Whom the fellows all longed for a piece a';                 
But she isn't for sale                                      
To some lustful old male.                                   
You can't buy her -- but money will lease her.              
                                                            
32845 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Isaac Asimov             



A man had a beautiful daughter,                             
Who performed just as he had taught her.                    
But when she left home                                      
And started to roam,                                        
She performed just for men who had bought her.              
                                                            
32846 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



Then 'Mick the mule' happened along;                        
He was famed for the size of his dong.                      
Yes, it was a tight fit,                                    
But she took all of it.                                     
He bragged that she weren't tight for long                  
                                                            
32847 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



A young lassie from sweet Ballybunny                        
Had kisses much sweeter than honey.                         
The Irishmen galore                                         
Would line up at her door;                                  
All willing to pay her some money.                          
                                                            
32848 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young harlot named Bunny,                       
Whose kisses were sweeter than honey.                       
Her callers galore                                          
Would line up at her door                                   
To take turns in paying her money.                          
                                                            
32849 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



A hardworking waitress named Cora,                          
Discovered that drummers adore a                            
Titty that's ripe,                                          
And a cunt that is tripe.                                   
Now she doesn't work hard any more-a.                       
                                                            
32850 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                   L1001



A promiscuous lassie of Charlotte,                          
Didn't know the real meaning of "harlot;"                   
But once she'd looked it up,                                
She so heavily booked it up,                                
She hauled cash to the bank by the carlot.                  
                                                            
32851 HOOKERS - NOVICE               John P McKnight     P0303



Said a foot-weary waitress in Nashville:                    
"Sure and ruin my arches this hash will.                    
I'm tired to the bone--                                     
I'd much rather work prone--                                
Make an offer, love, please don't be bashville.             
                                                            
32852 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                   G1840



A hot little lady named Sission                             
Developed wild needs for coition.                           
She gave it away                                            
Until yesterday                                             
When she learned men will pay for admission.                
                                                            
32853 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lims     G1867



Jan was a hooker, a rookie.                                 
When a man asked to eat her sweet nookie,                   
She said, "That isn't nice,                                 
But if you ask twice,                                       
I'll give you some milk and a cookie."                      
                                                            
32854 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Writerman                



Roses? They wilt and they die,                              
And chocolates build up on the thigh.                       
Wine makes me drunk,                                        
Perfume smell like a skunk,                                 
So hand over the money, big guy!                            
                                                            
32855 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Faerie                   



Losing her mind, what a waste!                              
Thank God she's no longer chaste.                           
She can work on her back;                                   
For funds she'll not lack,                                  
And those labia, so nicely spaced!                          
                                                            
32856 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A tightfisted farmer named Drange                           
Took care of some lass in the grange;                       
After having his thrills,                                   
He proferred two bills,                                     
And groused when she gave him no change.                    
                                                            
32857 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Armand E Singer       215



She-adults as adulterous as Mae                             
Never go a whole day with no lay...                         
She waves it at me,                                         
But since it ain't free,                                    
There it waves, I must be on my way...                      
                                                            
32858 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim  306      



As her navel lay brimming with sweat                        
Edna sighed, "I may yet, Pet, regret                        
That I let you lay me                                       
And not even pay me...                                      
But I don't feel that hookerish yet!"                       
                                                            
32859 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim  889      



I knew a girl who was Dutch.                                
She played with my penis and such.                          
She'd come on the floor,                                    
Like a good little whore,                                   
But now we don't speak or say much.                         
                                                            
32860 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



There was an Old Man of Marseilles,                         
Whose daughter did it for pay.                              
They caught several fish --                                 
The Nouveau Riche --                                        
The kind who will pay for a lay.                            
                                                            
32861 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Edwardian Leer 013       



A lady by name of Dundee,                                   
First gave it away all for free.                            
You can still get her stuff,                                
But times, they are tough,                                  
So now you must pay her a fee.                              
                                                            
32862 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Lims For Year - 01       



A fabulous chick in Grenader,                               
Flashes truckers, and other girls hate her;                 
She says "I don't care,                                     
'Cause I part soft hair,                                    
Those sows have bristles 'round craters!"                   
                                                            
32863 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



On hearing young Kiki's confession,                         
Father Boyle made a grave indiscretion.                     
His convictions were loose                                  
About self-abuse,                                           
Now she works at the oldest profession.                     
                                                            
32864 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Jesse                    



A post office clerk named Miss Flounce                      
Had titties with plenty of bounce.                          
It was frank up her ass,                                    
But her cunt was first class.                               
It was thirty-one cents for each ounce.                     
                                                            
32865 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin   3024-1514



A cute fun-loving senior co-ed,                             
Spends her leisure time with her legs spread.               
Upperclassmen?  It's free!                                  
But a green freshmen?  She                                  
Charges twenty-five dollars per head.                       
                                                            
32866 HOOKERS - NOVICE               William N Nesbit    P0107



There was a young woman named Bunny,                        
Whose husband found life quite unfunny.                     
He said, with a pout,                                       
"Why don't you put out?"                                    
And she answered, "I do it for money."                      
                                                            
32867 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Isaac Asimov             



Said a crusty old colonel named Waters,                     
To his sheltered and virginal daughters:                    
"If you're offered a buck                                   
To go out for a fuck,                                       
Just insist you're restricted to quarters."                 
                                                            
32868 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



There is a young hooker named Kubik                         
Whose face is supremely cherubic.                           
I confess my surprise                                       
When I first laid my eyes                                   
Upon her display of parts pubic.                            
                                                            
32869 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Armand E Singer       513



A rather shy call girl named Sue,                           
Cut slits in the covers she drew                            
Up over her head,                                           
When she got into bed--                                     
Three marked "Service" and one "Peek-a-boo!"                
                                                            
32870 HOOKERS - NOVICE               John Ciardi              



The poor husband was caught in a fix;                       
The truth would have knocked him for six.                   
Her note on the frig                                        
Said "I'm out playing bridge".                              
A half-truth - she was picking up tricks.                   
                                                            
32871 HOOKERS - NOVICE               John E Mayhood           



An ugly young hooker named Milly                            
Had the best trade in all Picadilly.                        
She had hair on her tits;                                   
And her ass was the pits;                                   
But her pussy, now that was a dilly!                        
                                                            
32872 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



A magician and wife had a daughter                          
They trusted much more than they oughter.                   
The ending is tragic;                                       
They thought she learned magic,                             
When they heard she turned tricks for a quarter.            
                                                            
32873 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Pierce Evans             



A young girl who raised poultry, Miss Knox,                 
Had a fortune stored up in a box.                           
Through the day she raised chickens                         
And made cash like the dickens,                             
But at night she made more raising cocks.                   
                                                            
32874 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin            



That famed candy family, the Reeses,                        
Had loose-moraled daughters and nieces;                     
They'd play in the hay                                      
For ten bucks a lay --                                      
Which started the term, "Reese's pieces."                   
                                                            
32875 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Armand E Singer       796



"Did you ring for me, Mr. Quayle?                           
Which is it...dictation or tail?                            
Mixing up two professions                                   
Confuses our sessions...                                    
Am I retail or am I wholesale?"                             
                                                            
32876 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim  414      



A trick-turning girl from the 'hood,                        
What she shouldn't, she said that she could.                
She's too young and too neat                                
To be out on the street,                                    
So she wouldn't, but said that she would.                   
                                                            
32877 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Snaggletoth              



A luscious young trollop named Troll                        
Has a crotch that is many a man's goal.                     
Most clients go crackside,                                  
Though some prefer backside--                               
She charges the same either hole.                           
                                                            
32878 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                   G1878



An embarrassed young lady (not  Charlotte),                 
Made her income by playing the harlot.                      
But when something would stink,                             
She would blush a bright pink,                              
So the harlot's nickname became Scarlet.                    
                                                            
32879 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Phred                    



Said Henry de Vere, "In a phrase,                           
This family's seen better days.                             
We've hocked the Cezanne,                                   
And now Lady Diane                                          
Is selling herself in the maze."                            
                                                            
32880 HOOKERS - NOVICE               John Dole           P9609



The girls from the town of Calmore                          
Will rarely remain very poor.                               
They sell all they've got,                                  
Including their twat,                                       
To the boys of the First Hampshire Corps.                   
                                                            
32881 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



I know of this woman named Liz;                             
She sucks all the commoner's jizz.                          
On the couch, in a chair,                                   
In a car, everywhere!                                       
Her son knows not what his mom is.                          
                                                            
32882 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A round-heeled young floozie named Trilling                 
Said, "I've sold my rep for a shilling."                    
Well, who's made of teak?                                   
My poor flesh is weak,                                      
And God knows my spirit is willing.                         
                                                            
32883 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Armand E Singer       605



A hopeful young starlet named Flo                           
Went whoring when show biz was slow.                        
Her address was, forsooth,                                  
A telephone booth.                                          
A sign hung outside: S.R.O.                                 
                                                            
32884 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Irving Superior     P9208



A sexpot in East Tennessee,                                 
Who began giving samples for free,                          
Thought all men were her friends,                           
But found friendship ends                                   
When she started demanding a fee...                         
                                                            
32885 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Grand Prix Lim  457      



A hapless young lady named Burke                            
Had failed in her search for some work.                     
A profession was offered                                    
By a pimp name of Crawford,                                 
And she launched her career with a jerk.                    
                                                            
32886 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Albin Chaplin   3024-1462



There was a young poppet named Babs                         
Who travelled the city in cabs.                             
For friendship she looked;                                  
Sometimes she'd be booked,                                  
And drivers got stuck for the tabs,                         
                                                            
32887 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a woman named Muffy                          
Who everyone thought was quite stuffy.                      
But when paid enough money,                                 
She'd screw like a bunny,                                   
Though her little pink tail wasn't fluffy.                  
                                                            
32888 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Stark                    



A sex act of passionate Janet                               
Once failed through her failure to scan it.                 
A novice street whore,                                      
Whe was shocked to the core                                 
By a soft one she'd taken for granite.                      
                                                            
32889 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Tucker D. Ott       P9003



"I can make my own way," said Miss Cid.                     
"I made ten bucks and a dime, Mr. Quid."                    
"Who was the cheap slime                                    
Who gave you a dime?"                                       
"The price was just right! They all did!"                   
                                                            
32890 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A virgin I claim not to be,                                 
For chastity's no fun you see.                              
The gents all pay cash;                                     
To my bed they do dash,                                     
For they can't wait to dally with me.                       
                                                            
32891 HOOKERS - NOVICE                                        



As her hooker walked past me with grunt,                    
Madam explained, in her manner quite blunt,                 
Inserting a thumb                                           
In a new hooker's bum,                                      
Sparks performance -- feels empty in front.                 
                                                            
32892 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Rick Kaplowitz      P9205



There was a young gal from Brewster                         
And when the Town Clerk seduced her                         
Said: "You must pay my rent,                                
Every dollar and cent,                                      
For that's what the Mayor used ter."                        
                                                            
32893 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Ethel G. Berenko    P8111



A merchant of rubies and jade,                              
With a millionaire, managed to trade                        
Some finely-cut stones                                      
For some fragrant colognes,                                 
And a night with the millionaire's maid.                    
                                                            
32894 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Cap'n Bean          P2005



No longer bereaved is Ms. Kidder;                           
She's feeling her oats as a widder;                         
She bared her whole torso                                   
And worse, if not more so,                                  
She sold it to more than one bidder.                        
                                                            
32895 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Armand E Singer       387



I'm sorry to say that it's true;                            
Your sister was here before you.                            
She was so nice,                                            
We each had her twice.                                      
She said we were better than you.                           
                                                            
32896 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Les Stewart              



I'm afraid it was worse than it sounds,                     
We paid her in dollars and pounds.                          
No orifice was tight                                        
At the end of the night --                                  
That Naomi bitch made the rounds.                           
                                                            
32897 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Frank Fazed              



I'm afraid it gets worse yet, my lad --                     
I hope that his won't make you mad --                       
But I must tell you this,                                   
While they screwed your sis,                                
Someone else was screwing your dad!                         
                                                            
32898 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Kaylin Brandon           



'Twas me, sir, I must confess;                              
Your papa I did not let rest.                               
First time I had                                            
Your dear old dad,                                          
He told me that I was the best!                             
                                                            
32899 HOOKERS - NOVICE               Arden                    



An old trollop adept at phraseology,                        
Stood disrobed for the Dean of Geology.                     
When he lectured with gravity,                              
On the depth of her cavity,                                 
She extended her deepest apology.                           
                                                            
32900 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Albin Chaplin            



There was a young lady of Erskine,                          
And the chief of her charms was her fair skin.              
But the sable she wore,                                     
(She had several more)                                      
She had earned while wearing her bare skin.                 
                                                            
32901 HOOKERS - NUDE                                     L1015



An intrepid old oilman named Jude                           
Told a colored whore, "Strip to the nude."                  
When her clothes fell away                                  
He exclaimed in dismay,                                     
"Why, it looks like a barrel of crude!"                     
                                                            
32902 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0495



Antoinette was a beautiful whore,                           
Who wore fifty-six beads, nothing more.                     
They sneered, "Unrefined!"                                  
When she wore them behind,                                  
So she tactfully wore them before.                          
                                                            
32903 HOOKERS - NUDE                                     L1558



A naked young tart named Roselle                            
Walked the streets while ringing a bell.                    
When asked why she rang it                                  
She answered, "Gol dang it!                                 
Can't you see I have something to sell?"                    
                                                            
32904 HOOKERS - NUDE                                          



A homely streetwalker named Bess                            
Would walk till her feet were a mess.                       
Now she's great fun to meet                                 
For she walks on the street,                                
With her face covered up by her dress.                      
                                                            
32905 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1445



When asked what she did for a living,                       
The squaw said, "Receiving and giving."                     
Interjected Judge Rose:                                     
"But you do it sans clothes!"                               
"I'm into," she said, "going nativing."                     
                                                            
32906 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Ken Leonhardt       P9208



An antichurch harlot named Rhonda,                          
Keeps tempting our young monks to wander,                   
From true rectitude                                         
By walking in nude,                                         
And saying, "Behold thy Golconda!"                          
(golconda - source of great wealth)                         
32907 HOOKERS - NUDE                 John Ciardi              



A fellow once met a young whore,                            
Who wore nothing behind or before.                          
He looked at her well,                                      
Said, "Whatever you sell,                                   
I must say I like the decor."                               
                                                            
32908 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Isaac Asimov             



In Wall Street a girl named Irene,                          
Made an offering somewhat obscene.                          
She stripped herself bare,                                  
And offered a share,                                        
To Merrill Lynch, Fenner, and Beane.                        
                                                            
32909 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Last week at the Japanese Diet                              
A nude geisha caused a near riot.                           
"Come one and come all;                                     
Give me a call,                                             
I live at the Tokyo Hyatt."                                 
                                                            
32910 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Tom Patton          P9504



There was an old harlot named Whaling,                      
Who drummed up new business by mailing.                     
She removed all her clothes,                                
And the men that she chose                                  
Were invited to view the unveiling.                         
                                                            
32911 HOOKERS - NUDE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1696



I did feel obliged to friend Fife                           
For the overnight use of his wife.                          
But he dropped in today                                     
And insisted on pay --                                      
Such sordidness sours me on life.                           
                                                            
32912 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G1785



The passionate ass on Fife's wife                           
Should provide me free fucking for life.                    
The notch on that bitch                                     
Gets so hot it'll twitch:                                   
It will wear out both me and friend Fife.                   
                                                            
32913 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G1786



I think I must speak to my wife,                            
For she's giving free tail to old Fife.                     
It isn't the screwing                                       
I mind the fool doing,                                      
It's the "free" bit that's causing the strife!              
                                                            
32914 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G1787



In Alabama there is a guy                                   
Who keeps on his ranch a supply                             
Of whores, by the mass;                                     
A good old boy with class,                                  
Fucks only in tux and black tie.                            
                                                            
32915 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Carol                    



Today at my ranch, there's a sale,                          
To benefit guys at the jail,                                
Whose wives, by the scores,                                 
Now work here as whores;                                    
Please buy you a cheap piece of tail.                       
                                                            
32916 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Travis Brasell           



The wife of a jailbird -- none finer!                       
Pick a wench whose man ain't a short-timer.                 
When her dude gets paroled,                                 
By surprise, she's cornholed;                               
They lose all their taste for vaginer.                      
                                                            
32917 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Allen Wolverton          



There was a young harlot named Schwartz,                    
Whose cockpit was studded with warts.                       
And they tickled so nice                                    
She drew a high price                                       
From the studs at the summer resorts.                       
                                                            
32918 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    L0225



Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,                      
Was seldom hard up for a diddle.                            
For according to rumor,                                     
His tool had a tumor,                                       
And a fine row of warts down the middle.                    
                                                            
32919 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    L0226



Her brother, a bastard named Ben,                           
Could rotate his pecker, and then                           
He would shoot through his rear,                            
Which made him the dear                                     
Of the girls, and the envy of men.                          
                                                            
32920 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    L0227



Her other young brother, named Saul,                        
Was able to bounce either ball.                             
He could stretch them and snap them,                        
And juggle and clap them,                                   
Which earned him the plaudits of all.                       
                                                            
32921 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    L0228



"Your humping I find mediocre,"                             
She said, and I wanted to choker her;                       
But instead introduced her                                  
To Jarvis and Brewster.                                     
I'm better off now as her broker.                           
                                                            
32922 HOOKERS - PIMPS                John Miller              



Troops who served in Manila all swear                       
They are certain that whorehouses there,                    
As the army directed,                                       
From each peso collected,                                   
Paid Douglas MacArthur a share.                             
                                                            
32923 HOOKERS - PIMPS                A. N. Wilkins       P9205



"It's my job," aid the pimp, Gargi Goyle,                   
"To find young debutantes to despoil:                       
Dirty job? Sure, I knew it.                                 
But then, someone must do it,                               
And don't ask me for whom the belles toil."                 
                                                            
32924 HOOKERS - PIMPS                William N. Nesbit   P9511



A beggar I met in Beirut,                                   
Claimed he was blind, deaf and mute.                        
But he let out a yell,                                      
And cursed me to hell,                                      
The moment I trod on his foot.                              
                                                            
32925 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



"I've money," I said in a wheesper,                         
He opened his eyes and said "Meester,                       
You know I could feex                                       
You with much dirty peecs,                                  
Or else you can jig-jig my seester."                        
                                                            
32926 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



"This picture is her -- named Soraya,                       
For only five bucks you can lay her."                       
She looked like an ox                                       
That had died of the pox,                                   
In the fever-rich swamps of Malaya.                         
                                                            
32927 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



His offer I therefore declined,                             
And thanked him for being so kind,                          
To make me the offer,                                       
But I'd rather not boff her.                                
I'd rather fuck his foul behind.                            
                                                            
32928 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



But folks here, who like our old Bess,                      
If ever you're out east, then I guess                       
If you see that old fraud,                                  
When he pimps for this broad,                               
Some of you may well say yes.                               
                                                            
32929 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



The next time you meet Millie Day,                          
And she lures you to bed for a lay,                         
Remember, you simp,                                         
I'm her bona fide Pimp,                                     
And get half the cash that you pay!                         
                                                            
32930 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



Superpimp, as he combed Philadelphia,                       
Told recruits, "Now get out there and selphia!              
And to live like a duchess,                                 
Just give them as muchess                                   
They ask, and their penises swelphia."                      
                                                            
32931 HOOKERS - PIMPS                R.A.M               A103B



The most famous prude in our town,                          
Awoke to find herself all tied down.                        
The townfolk, you see,                                      
Paid her guardian a fee                                     
So they all could have her once around.                     
                                                            
32932 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Straydog                 



There was once a decorative ponce                           
Who designed cards in several fonts,                        
To advertise whores                                         
To perform dirty chores                                     
And satisfy old fellow wants.                               
(ponce - pimp)                                              
32933 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Alexander Baron     P9209



Says the Pander suggesting a tryst                          
To the elderly gentleman, "Hist!                            
I think we can flush                                        
Two birds in a bush.                                        
If you care to partake, I'll assist."                       
                                                            
32934 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Gents Alphabet Book P9601



The erotic desires of Miss Hyers                            
Required a great many suppliers.                            
When she found, in late years,                              
Far too few volunteers,                                     
She got her a pimp, who got buyers.                         
                                                            
32935 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G1807



For this tart from the streets of Laredo,                   
All the cowboys were eager to pay dough,                    
Since that time when her sly                                
Pimping husband came by --                                  
And they speedily made her a wego.                          
                                                            
32936 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Keith MacMillan     A115A



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Who bought up young girls at their birth,                   
Whom he raised with great care,                             
For use here and there,                                     
And thus greatly increased his net worth.                   
                                                            
32937 HOOKERS - PIMPS                John Miller              



Jack don't pay girls with amateur status;                   
For your own id, just flaunt it right at us;                
You just dance, babe, you ought to                          
Like  MGM's motto                                           
Which goes: "Arse arts (ya HOO, baby!) gratis!"             
                                                            
32938 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



But the patrons will give you some "tips";                  
If they're pleased by your love-zone and nips;              
Crouching low, show your "muff",                            
And some greenbacks they'll stuff                           
In a garter way up near your hips!                          
                                                            
32939 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



When modesty's gone, feel a spark;                          
Spot-lighted, you'll dance and strip stark;                 
What a thrill it will be!                                   
Looking down, all you'll see,                               
Are eyes glowing red in the dark!                           
                                                            
32940 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



Through your loins, you'll get higher than kites,           
While you flash us the greatest of sights;                  
You'll display such great "talent",                         
Old Jack will be gallant;                                   
With a contract, your name up in lights!                    
                                                            
32941 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



As you dance, you will make the dudes stare;                
Electricity's right in the air;                             
There's a forest of woodies,                                
Brought on by your goodies,                                 
While heat builds in your sweet snare!                      
                                                            
32942 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



There's a vertical pole, bless our souls!                   
Squirm and writhe on it, stir up your coals!                
So the brass may be cold                                    
On your tenderest fold,                                     
In the crowd, you'll find much warmer poles!                
                                                            
32943 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



Said husband to wife, "You're demented                      
For selling your pussy!" then hinted,                       
"You'd earn so much more,                                   
My darling sweet whore,                                     
If you would be smart and just rented!"                     
                                                            
32944 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Travis Brasell           



His neighbors all envy old Burke,                           
The no-good and pot-bellied jerk.                           
His young wife found life boring,                           
So she spends her time whoring,                             
And he can stay drunk and not work.                         
                                                            
32945 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G2282



There was an old pander form Perth,                         
Who had the best girls on this Earth.                       
He kept investing                                           
In silicone breasting,                                      
And enlarging his girls' chest girth!                       
                                                            
32946 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Archie                   



A fellow named Farthingale Frimp,                           
Who at sex orgies always stays limp,                        
Said, "I CAN enjoy 'em,                                     
But you see, I employ 'em...                                
I'm the guy with the dough, I'm their pimp!"                
                                                            
32947 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Grand Prix Lim  281      



The pimp of Maureen Ann Meadow                              
When asked, "How's business ?", he said, "O-                
nly one man and his dog -                                   
It says here in my log -                                    
Went to Mo A. Meadow."                                      
                                                            
32948 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



I'm Picker from Parsons and Nose;                           
I can help you and thusly propose,                          
For a mere five percent                                     
I will represent                                            
To ensure no free rides on your hose.                       
                                                            
32949 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



The panderer just shit in his britches,                     
When that asshole ran off with his bitches.                 
"What'll I do                                               
Without my cunt crew?                                       
I guess I'll just have to dig ditches!"                     
                                                            
32950 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Tutta                    



There was a young husband named Dan,                        
Who set up his wife in a van,                               
And sent her to park                                        
Behind bars after dark.                                     
It is hard to think well of the man.                        
                                                            
32951 HOOKERS - PIMPS                John Ciardi              



It's a whimsey of Barnaby Frimp                             
To spend his spare time as a pimp.                          
In lieu of their checks,                                    
He takes payment in sex,                                    
And staggers home dizzy and limp.                           
                                                            
32952 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Grand Prix Lim  166      



Says an underage hooker named Susie,                        
"I've really no need to be choosy:                          
The creeps and the bummers,                                 
I service all comers--                                      
My ten-year old pimp has an Uzi."                           
                                                            
32953 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Norm Storer         P9601



There once was a fellow from Goring,                        
Who, finding inflation was soaring,                         
Thought up a good way                                       
Of increasing his pay--                                     
He pimped to his grandmother's whoring.                     
                                                            
32954 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Jim Weaver Collection    



I doubt that much more will be heard                        
Of Agatha Margaret McBird.                                  
She was last seen in Berks,                                 
With two businesslike Turks,                                
Who were peddling her off to a third.                       
                                                            
32955 HOOKERS - PIMPS                John Ciardi              



These words from the Nizam of Tyre,                         
Who put his dear wife out for hire;                         
Said he, "Don't begrudge it,                                
This way the state budget                                   
Will come in just under the wire."                          
                                                            
32956 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Armand E Singer       601



A pimp toured his whore through ten nations,                
Selling various and sundry sexations.                       
When asked his position,                                    
He said, "Pushing coition--                                 
I handle her pubic relations!"                              
                                                            
32957 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G1841



And then there's the guy named Morello                      
Who opened a lively bordello;                               
Its success is amazing;                                     
The income it's raising                                     
Has made him a rich fucking fellow!                         
                                                            
32958 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Cap'n Bean          P0106



Hey Psst!  Dirty pictures, your Grace?                      
"Well .."  Nice souvenirs of this place?                    
"Well .."  ten cents a dozen,                               
Or come screw my cousin?                                    
"OK then; same price?"  Yes, she's ace.                     
                                                            
32959 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



"Oh fuck it! I knew they'd appear;                          
Those damn papparazzi, I fear."                             
Don't panic, your Grace,                                    
They won't notice your face...                              
"But I'm wearing my usual gear."                            
                                                            
32960 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



A bone-tired young wastrel named Hale                       
Said, "For sex there is always a sale...                    
Which is all for the best...                                
I can stay home and rest                                    
Since I have my wife out selling tail."                     
                                                            
32961 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Grand Prix Lim  424      



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Who thought it's a source of great mirth,                   
Selling sister to brother,                                  
And twice his own mother,                                   
And freaks from all over the Earth.                         
                                                            
32962 HOOKERS - PIMPS                John Miller              



My mind is just fading away,                                
Can't think of anything to say.                             
My brain's turned to mush;                                  
I can hear it slush;                                        
Somebody tell me...what's today?                            
                                                            
32963 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



Today is the day that you swore                             
You'd come here and act like a whore                        
To all of my neighbors,                                     
And out of your labors,                                     
I'll take ten per cent, nothing more.                       
                                                            
32964 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



Today is the day that you need                              
A good fine hard fucking, indeed.                           
I'll start from the front                                   
And I'll plunder your cunt,                                 
And flush out the mush with my seed!                        
                                                            
32965 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                         



Rumor has it, a satyr named Ben                             
Keeps twenty fat whores in a pen.                           
"They're real handy," he'll say,                            
"When I want a quick lay,                                   
Or for loaning to friends now and then."                    
                                                            
32966 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G1740



Said a whoremonger, mongering whores:                       
"When mongering whores, nothing bores.                      
I love testing tails                                        
In a batch of new frails,                                   
Before they get loose on the floors."                       
                                                            
32967 HOOKERS - PIMPS                                    G1888



Said a pander who lived in Saskatchewan,                    
"You haven't a hope if it's snatchewan.                     
'Cause the ladies 'round here                               
Can run fleeter than deer;                                  
But for twenty-five bucks I will catchewan."                
                                                            
32968 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Hugh Oliver           82c



In need of a man, widow Cotter                              
Went to bed with a fellow named Potter.                     
She was no good in bed                                      
So she said to him, "Fred,                                  
You can finish the fuck with my daughter."                  
                                                            
32969 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Albin Chaplin   3024-0095



There was an old pander from Perth                          
With a phallus of thumping great girth.                     
His whores would look on                                    
As he stroked his hard-on,                                  
Then greedily lap his quart's worth.                        
                                                            
32970 HOOKERS - PIMPS                TuttaGioia               



A wealthy whoremonger named Paul                            
Disclosed how he managed it all.                            
He began it in Thrace,                                      
And his very first place                                    
Was at best just a hole in the wall.                        
                                                            
32971 HOOKERS - PIMPS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1625



To overaged harlot named Weiss,                             
Retirement was not paradise.                                
As her funds did decrease,                                  
She paraded for piece,                                      
And she'd take it at any old price.                         
                                                            
32972 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin            



A hapless young lady named Black,                           
In poverty lived in a shack.                                
So she took to the street,                                  
To be back on her feet,                                     
But she found herself back on her back.                     
                                                            
32973 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1448



Would you like to play skittles or darts;                   
Or bar-billiards, poker or hearts?                          
Or be terribly gallant                                      
And eye up the talent.                                      
Oh look, there's a couple of tarts.                         
                                                            
32974 HOOKERS - POOR                 Peter                    



Bar-billiards or skittles are fine.                         
(How about a glass of red wine?)                            
And those two bits of fluff?                                
Yours looks a bit rough.                                    
The blond with big knockers is mine.                        
                                                            
32975 HOOKERS - POOR                 Tiddy Ogg                



Your welcome to her, if you like;                           
But be warned, she's the neighborhood dike.                 
And the other old bag                                       
Is a regular slag;                                          
She likes threesomes; she's know as the Trike.              
                                                            
32976 HOOKERS - POOR                 Peter                    



A hungry young lady was Krupp;                              
She often had nothing to sup.                               
So she took to the street                                   
And established a beat,                                     
And her business is now picking up.                         
                                                            
32977 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1572



There was a young fellow name Bart                          
Who picked up a flatulent tart.                             
Though she lacked fucking skill,                            
Yet she gave him a thrill,                                  
By producing an exquisite fart.                             
                                                            
32978 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1437



There was a young girl from Madrid                          
Whose fucking was worth but a quid.                         
When her cunt was ajar                                      
You could go just as far                                    
As Byrd on his polar trip did.                              
                                                            
32979 HOOKERS - POOR                                     G1830



An old harlot inept named McClure,                          
Sold five thousand fucks that were poor.                    
But complaints did her in                                   
And she paid for her sin,                                   
Since a recall she had to endure.                           
                                                            
32980 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1603



There was a young fellow named Schiller;                    
The harlot he screwed was a thriller.                       
'Twas an overmatched flop                                   
For she came out on top,                                    
Which left Schiller no choice but to bill her.              
                                                            
32981 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1656



An old hoar had her business embossed                       
On a card, and a man did accost.                            
He exclaimed, "What the hell,                               
You can't even spell!"                                      
Said the hoar, "It's because of the frost."                 
                                                            
32982 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1503



A raunchy old hooker from Norway                            
Would peddle her ass in the doorway.                        
She always said, "Honey,                                    
Ya gotta have money,                                        
Cause I only fuck in the whore way."                        
                                                            
32983 HOOKERS - POOR                 Lims For Year - 01       



A harlot with crotch muscles pliant                         
Was asked by a promising client,                            
Could he pay her the fees                                   
In fresh carrots and peas;                                  
He was jolly and green and a giant.                         
                                                            
32984 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1633



An aged old whore from the West                             
Could still give a fuck with great zest.                    
Though her ashole was loose                                 
And her cunt had no juice,                                  
She still managed by keeping abreast.                       
                                                            
32985 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1694



A hard-pressed young lady was Bounting;                     
Her debts were beyond all accounting.                       
She thought pay for coition                                 
Would improve her position,                                 
But she found that her problems were mounting.              
                                                            
32986 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3-24-1455



A destitute prostitute, Star,                               
Is willing to go pretty far.                                
For the price of a blow,                                    
She also will mow                                           
Your front yard and wash off your car.                      
                                                            
32987 HOOKERS - POOR                 Norm Storer         P9611



Said a tired old trollop named Bryant,                      
After ten days with nary a client:                          
"Can it be that the men                                     
Hereabouts lack the yen?                                    
Or perhaps my equipment's gone pliant."                     
                                                            
32988 HOOKERS - POOR                                     G1749



There was a young madam named Schickel,                     
Who found that she was in a pickle.                         
She had customers pay                                       
As to what they did weigh,                                  
And some days she could not make a nickel.                  
                                                            
32989 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin            



A whore who turned nun, felt a lack                         
And sought out her old madam's shack.                       
Said the madam, Miss Hood,                                  
"Have you come back for good?"                              
She said, "No, it's for evil I'm back."                     
                                                            
32990 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1574



A poor Aussie gal named Miss Dunder                         
Had so many debts, it's a wonder.                           
She divulged in confession                                  
That she tried the profession,                              
But could not work her way from down under.                 
                                                            
32991 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1498



A bulgy old harlot was Bassett;                             
Her derriere was her finest asset.                          
She was fucking old Pierre                                  
Who explored everywhere,                                    
But he failed to exploit every facet.                       
                                                            
32992 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1438



There once was a girl named Tess                            
Had herself in a terrible mess.                             
She offered a fuck                                          
For a fresh U.S. buck,                                      
But found she was worth even less.                          
                                                            
32993 HOOKERS - POOR                                          



A destitute prostitute, Lou,                                
Is willing to travel with you.                              
If you pay for her ass,                                     
She'll cover the gas,                                       
And all of the tunnel tolls too.                            
                                                            
32994 HOOKERS - POOR                 Norm Storer         P9611



A thrifty old harlot discerned                              
Small savings were not to be spurned.                       
From her callers, so many,                                  
She'd request one more penny,                               
For penny she saved was one earned.                         
                                                            
32995 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1489



A shepherdress, pretty but poor,                            
Found sheeptending largely a bore.                          
Till a shepherd stopped by                                  
And -- this is no lie --                                    
By day's end she was richer, but sore.                      
                                                            
32996 HOOKERS - POOR                 Macsam                   



Said a glamor-puss in Pecan Gap,                            
"My bank account's here in my lap...                        
When I run short of kale                                    
I just peddle my tail...                                    
Man, am I glad I've got a mantrap!"                         
                                                            
32997 HOOKERS - POOR                 Grand Prix Lim  717      



A girl short of cash was Miss Kitty;                        
She drove a sand truck for the city,                        
And at night she would work                                 
For old madam McGirk,                                       
But the clients complained she was gritty.                  
                                                            
32998 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1567



A Bohemian painter named Starrett                           
Kept some wine-sodden whores in his garret,                 
Which occasioned much static                                
In the poor fellow's attic                                  
As to who'd get the screw or the claret.                    
                                                            
32999 HOOKERS - POOR                 Armand E Singer       395



There was an old harlot named Post                          
Who was, by a man so engrossed,                             
That she paid him the fee,                                  
For undoubtedly he                                          
Was the master and therefore the host.                      
                                                            
33000 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1635



A gloomy old whore of St. Claire                            
Was fucked by a man debonair.                               
She told sad tales of woe                                   
Which depressed the man so,                                 
That he plunged in a slough of despair                      
                                                            
33001 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1649



I once wandered out to L.A.                                 
In search of a wench who would lay;                         
Well, the smog made me choke                                
And foul up my stroke --                                    
But still she insisted I pay.                               
                                                            
33002 HOOKERS - POOR                 Norm Storer         P0011



In the fog, a young man of Cologne                          
Took a walk in the park all alone.                          
From out of the fog                                         
Came a slut, a real dog,                                    
And he figured he'd throw her a bone.                       
                                                            
33003 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2000



A Scot from Rossdunphy Named Sandy                          
Said, "Tail in this town isn't handy.                       
In Dundee there's stores                                    
Where it's sold by fat whores,                              
But it's too far to go when you're randy..."                
                                                            
33004 HOOKERS - POOR                 Grand Prix Lim  440      



A scrupulous whore name of Koppers                          
Would cater to opulent shoppers.                            
But she said, "I confess                                    
That in times of distress,                                  
My asshole's for tradesmen and paupers."                    
                                                            
33005 HOOKERS - POOR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1570



There was a young lady from Rhyll                           
Who tried to run out on her bill.                           
A meal on the house?                                        
Well, take off your blouse!                                 
You'll work off what's owed to the till!"                   
                                                            
33006 HOOKERS - POOR                 TuttaGioia               



"You're the crook! You light-fingered my purse!             
It's a trap! I will not reimburse                           
With a strip, or a lick                                     
Of your stale old breadstick.                               
So get lost or you'll leave in a hearse!"                   
                                                            
33007 HOOKERS - POOR                 Lucy                     



You coarse little squirt of a vamp!                         
You're known far and wide as a tramp!                       
You work on your back!                                      
You live off your crack!                                    
Go ply your trade...'neath the street lamp!                 
                                                            
33008 HOOKERS - POOR                 TuttaGioia               



And when you have earned what you owe,                      
(At your rate that's two bucks a blow)                      
You can pay your small tab,                                 
Then get into a cab,                                        
And go home to your sap of a beau!                          
                                                            
33009 HOOKERS - POOR                 TuttaGioia               



There was a smart tart named Felicity,                      
Who well knew the worth of publicity.                       
Her big ad on TV                                            
For the 'haute bourgeoisie'                                 
Made much of the joys of lubricity.                         
                                                            
33010 HOOKERS - RICH                 Armand E Singer       254



There was an old whore name of Gail,                        
Who bailed an old man out of jail.                          
By a strange stroke of fate,                                
He became Head Of State,                                    
So he made her the Head Of All Tail.                        
                                                            
33011 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1525



Said a happy young harlot named Prue,                       
As her bank account mushroomed and grew:                    
"Milking prick's a delight                                  
When the customer's right--                                 
It's a business doing pleasure with you!"                   
                                                            
33012 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  597 G1855



There once was a whore from West Loring                     
Who was so incredibly boring,                               
She'd net piles of cash                                     
Without spreading gash,                                     
Yet leave them contented and snoring.                       
                                                            
33013 HOOKERS - RICH                                          



The richest old whore in Bengal,                            
For Rajahs was ready on call.                               
But a Hindu from Delhi                                      
Claimed he laid on her belly,                               
When her house was a hole in the wall.                      
                                                            
33014 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1440



A call girl who trafficked in Randall                       
Remarked, as she blew out a candle,                         
"A fresh blown hot wick                                     
Is as good as a trick,                                      
And it's twice as convenient to handle."                    
                                                            
33015 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  883      



The call girls call daily next door,                        
And counting them all makes me sore.                        
I could break down and cry                                  
At the guy's lush supply,                                   
For I drive twenty miles to a whore.                        
                                                            
33016 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  396      



There was a young lady in Reno,                             
Who lost all her dough playing keeno.                       
But she lay on her back                                     
And opened her crack,                                       
And now she owns the casino.                                
                                                            
33017 HOOKERS - RICH                                     L1050



There once was a hooker named Alice,                        
Who charged by the length of the phallus.                   
Sometimes in a pinch,                                       
She cheated an inch,                                        
And lived like a queen in a palace.                         
                                                            
33018 HOOKERS - RICH                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A fastidious queer in Manila,                               
Whose panties were lined with Chinchilla,                   
Said, "One thing money brings                               
Is a chance for nice things,                                
Like a flock of young boys and a villa."                    
                                                            
33019 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  785      



"The wide world of Love is immense,"                        
Said the hooker, "And in recompense,                        
We've a singular role,                                      
For the more in the hole,                                   
The more it makes dollars and sense!"                       
                                                            
33020 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  944      



A thrifty old whore was Miss Lynch,                         
Who never from business would flinch.                       
But one day she said, "Shit!                                
I am rich. I will quit!                                     
I no longer can feel any pinch."                            
                                                            
33021 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1590



An ingenious old harlot named Mallory                       
Had managed to earn a fine salary.                          
She got nothing from screwers,                              
But she did charge the viewers,                             
And she daily would fill up the gallery.                    
                                                            
33022 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1596



An elderly Madame was frank                                 
When asked of her years in the tank.                        
"I've memories," she said,                                  
"Of adventures in bed                                       
And four hundred Gee's in the bank!"                        
                                                            
33023 HOOKERS - RICH                 Elliot Schilling    P0205



She strolls up the street with a sway,                      
Intent upon making some hay.                                
Before the shun shines.                                     
Men's pockets she mines                                     
From silk tumbled sheets where they lay.                    
                                                            
33024 HOOKERS - RICH                                          



The town's lushest hooker, Elise,                           
Gladly services free the police...                          
She prefers the free lay                                    
To their jail...any day...                                  
And thus plies her profession in peace.                     
                                                            
33025 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  397      



Did you hear of the lady named Charlotte,                   
Went to Hollywood to be a starlet.                          
Men gave her a ring                                         
Wanting only one thing,                                     
And now she is gets rich as a harlot.                       
                                                            
33026 HOOKERS - RICH                 Chairman Steve           



Tail's selling, my cute little friend...                    
There are fellows just panting to spend.                    
Derrieres, viewed financially                               
Pay off quite substantially...                              
You are bound to get rich, in the end.                      
                                                            
33027 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  844      



A haggared old bitch name of Gleek                          
Was forty-five years past her peak,                         
But her profits did soar                                    
And she made more and more,                                 
For the thing that she sold was antique.                    
                                                            
33028 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin 3024  P8509



Given over to immoral ways,                                 
A sought-after nooky named Hayes                            
Said, "I find it fun doing                                  
Commercialed screwing...                                    
And on top of that, Man, how it pays!"                      
                                                            
33029 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  565      



The old traveling salesman named Otter                      
Said, "I once laid the famed farmer's daughter.             
A cute little twitch                                        
Who later got rich                                          
From the short course in tail that I taught her.            
                                                            
33030 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  464      



The hooker from near River Vale                             
Says, "Every hole sale is retail...                         
The cash when I swing                                       
Is to send my offspring                                     
Through grammar school, high school and Yale.               
                                                            
33031 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  408      



There was an old whore of Orleans,                          
Who knew well how to pull in the greens.                    
She screwed a flotilla                                      
Which was based in Manila,                                  
While she still was a girl in her teens.                    
                                                            
33032 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1623



A toothsome young dolly named Bess                          
Work's her tail in a way you can guess.                     
She has so many clients                                     
For her little appliance,                                   
She has peddled her way to success...                       
                                                            
33033 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  620      



A fallen young lady of fashion,                             
Gave vents to all sorts of base passion.                    
Was she scorned?  She was not,                              
For her ways brought a lot                                  
Of highly respectable cash in.                              
                                                            
33034 HOOKERS - RICH                 John Ciardi              



To tour the town's cribs was his goal,                      
But a studsman from Sydney named Dole,                      
Took a passionate fancy                                     
To a harlot named Nancy,                                    
And blew his whole wad on her hole!                         
                                                            
33035 HOOKERS - RICH                                    G1826a



Ten reasons I never got sex                                 
From my girlfriend Marie (she's my ex);                     
Numbers one way past nine,                                  
Standing tenth in the line                                  
Of rich suitors who plied her with checks.                  
                                                            
33036 HOOKERS - RICH                 Armand Singer            



There was an old harlot named Swincombe,                    
So good that she even made kin come.                        
On the income she made,                                     
There were no taxes paid,                                   
For the income she made was all sincome.                    
                                                            
33037 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1675



A hooker who hooked in Cohasset,                            
Said, "My under yonder's my asset...                        
I like both what I do                                       
And the dough I accure,                                     
So for hobbies there's naught to surpasset.                 
                                                            
33038 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  942      



There was a young lady named Pitt,                          
Who did what she thought right and fit,                     
And great wealth did amass                                  
From her saleable ass,                                      
For it's no use on a gold mine to sit.                      
                                                            
33039 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1632



A thinking man's trollop, Miss Scott,                       
Said, "Sure, I'm a sex honey pot!                           
But I get highest prices                                    
For all amoral vices,                                       
And that pads my bank balance a lot."                       
                                                            
33040 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  515      



A wily old harlot was Ewing;                                
The cash in her bank kept accruing.                         
No taxes were paid                                          
On the money she maid,                                      
And she gave Uncle Sam a big screwing.                      
                                                            
33041 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1505



A hustler told Buster McGunny,                              
As he slowly withdrew from her honey,                       
"While some enjoy pushing,                                  
I find it quite bushing,                                    
Except for the payoff in money..."                          
                                                            
33042 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  575      



Those pyramid schemes are just fine --                      
Though you may put your ass on the line,                    
With no sleight of hand,                                    
I made fifty grand                                          
Just last year from peddling mine.                          
                                                            
33043 HOOKERS - RICH                 Ericka                   



A canny young hooker named Flo                              
Converted her charms into dough.                            
Displaying a body,                                          
A far cry from shoddy,                                      
She traded her great quim, pro quo.                         
                                                            
33044 HOOKERS - RICH                 Armand E Singer       413



There was a young lady who knew,                            
She had chosen the wrong thing to do.                       
But she did it so well,                                     
She owned the hotel                                         
In Miami before she was through.                            
                                                            
33045 HOOKERS - RICH                 John Ciardi              



The town's leading trollop, Miss Barkus,                    
Rents the genital parts of her carcass.                     
To lust she must thank                                      
Daily trips to the bank                                     
And a sable fur coat (Nieman-Marcus).                       
                                                            
33046 HOOKERS - RICH                 Grand Prix Lim  686 G1736



An eager young hooker named Sally                           
Worked the docks on the Island of Bali.                     
She would fuck like a rabbit,                               
Though not out of habit;                                    
At two bucks a pop, you don't dally.                        
                                                            
33047 HOOKERS - RICH                                          



She likes her men horny as hell,                            
For she knows from experience well,                         
That a year out at sea                                      
Causes premature e-                                         
Jaculation as soon as they swell.                           
                                                            
33048 HOOKERS - RICH                                          



At ten secs a hand-job, she rakes                           
In twelve dollars a minute and makes                        
About five grand I'd say,                                   
Working eight hours a day                                   
And allowing for natural breaks.                            
                                                            
33049 HOOKERS - RICH                                          



There was this business woman from Staines                  
Who by hard work, made capital gains.                       
At night she'd report                                       
For work at the airport                                     
Where she'd service the crews of the planes.                
                                                            
33050 HOOKERS - RICH                 Anna Pest           P9005



A harlot who came from the Nile                             
Had patents for fucking, worthwhile,                        
And no whore could get laid                                 
Until premiums were paid,                                   
For she sued if they copied her style.                      
                                                            
33051 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1618



There's a pretty young girl from Wynoochee,                 
Who excels at the lewd hootchy-kootchy;                     
What she does with her hips                                 
Earns such fabulous tips,                                   
That her handbags and shoes are by Gucci.                   
                                                            
33052 HOOKERS - RICH                 Ed Potts            P8606



There is a young whore from Twin Cities                     
Whom none of the other whores pities.                       
Her enormous breasts                                        
Get her endless requests --                                 
Some call it the tail of two titties.                       
                                                            
33053 HOOKERS - RICH                 Armand E Singer       282



A harlot who came from St. Claire                           
Had a booth at the Montreal Fair.                           
She then worked the Pavilion                                
Where she cleared a cool million,                           
And she still had three more months to spare.               
                                                            
33054 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin            



The story is told of young Bess                             
Which is one of great trial and duress.                     
She lay flat on her back                                    
And she peddled her crack                                   
To achieve the top rung of success.                         
                                                            
33055 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1444



A greedy old hooker named Taft                              
Grew wealthy in plying her craft.                           
Thought the rarest of feats                                 
She would double receipts                                   
With two at a time, fore and aft.                           
                                                            
33056 HOOKERS - RICH                 Armand E Singer       378



A certain rich hooker named Hatch                           
Could boast a most well-bejeweled snatch.                   
Huge two-carat rubies                                       
Displayed on both boobies                                   
As large as those guarding her thatch.                      
                                                            
33057 HOOKERS - RICH                 Armand E Singer       355



A timer was used by Miss Fitch;                             
She timed all the men and got rich.                         
An old-timer named Joe                                      
Fucked her ten in a row                                     
When he found her asleep at the switch.                     
                                                            
33058 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1512



An ex-teenager delinquent, Corine,                          
Is well paid for the tricks she takes in.                   
Now she owns her own plane                                  
And a villa in Spain,                                       
All procured with the wages of sin.                         
                                                            
33059 HOOKERS - RICH                 William N. Nesbit   P9601



There was a young lady named Elsie;                         
In Chelsea she got rather wealthy.                          
Now Elsie is quaint,                                        
But being quaint ain't                                      
How Elsie got wealthy in Chelsea.                           
                                                            
33060 HOOKERS - RICH                 Warrick Elrod            



A poor dyke decided to whore,                               
And use her charms as God meant them for.                   
Now men suck her dairy,                                     
Her accountant is merry,                                    
But she thinks to herself, "What a bore!"                   
                                                            
33061 HOOKERS - RICH                 Bruce Thompson           



In sick bay lay whore Winifred,                             
Quite weak from a blow on the head,                         
And she soon got around                                     
But before long she found                                   
She made more while confined to her bed.                    
                                                            
33062 HOOKERS - RICH                 Albin Chaplin            



A shapely young lady named Fern,                            
Puts out and is paid in return;                             
"And my earnings", she said,                                
"I conceal in my bed,                                       
appendthe ads say to save where you earn."                  
                                                            
33063 HOOKERS - RICH                                          



I read in a newspapaer ad:                                  
"Now wanted: one horsey-hung dad,                           
To do what he oughter                                       
With his sexy daughter,                                     
Who's fiesty and horny and bad."                            
                                                            
33064 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Travis Brasell           



You get the old whores, me the young                        
Ones I'll bed and then lick with my tongue,                 
Until they all cream                                        
And scream while they dream                                 
Of having what makes me well hung.                          
                                                            
33065 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Archie                   



There was a young woman named Brandi,                       
Who'd take off her dress for some candy,                    
Or for money for rent,                                      
Or for just fifty cents,                                    
Aor for anything else you had handy!                        
                                                            
33066 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Stark                    



There once live a young lass named Nash,                    
Who rented herself out for cash.                            
Out of folly or boredom,                                    
I appealed to her whoredom;                                 
Next morning I woke with a rash.                            
                                                            
33067 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Phil T                   



A saintly young whore, quite contrite,                      
Acutely aware of her plight,                                
Had felt very strong                                        
That her morals were wrong,                                 
But she solved it by dousing the light.                     
                                                            
33068 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Al Willis           P9610



A randy old codger from Crewe                               
Decided he needed a screw,                                  
So he knocked on the door                                   
Of a nearby young whore,                                    
And proceeded to fill her with goo.                         
                                                            
33069 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Anon                     



"Who're you to call the kettle black?"                      
Said the young whore, while there on her back.              
"My slow exertion                                           
Enables insertion,                                          
Which thus keeps you in fine fettle, Jack."                 
                                                            
33070 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Chris Papa               



I found a young harlot named Tessa,                         
Introduced her to our professor,                            
"Now prof, to learn more,                                   
About sexual lore,                                          
The first thing to do is undress 'er."                      
                                                            
33071 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



A young lady depressed was Miss Blick,                      
For her paycheck so small made her sick.                    
Till she found a good way                                   
To mix pleasure with pay,                                   
And a fly-by-night job did the trick.                       
                                                            
33072 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Albin Chaplin   3024-2971



World War II and a chocolate could buy                      
A girl who'd unzipper your fly.                             
With one little Hershey,                                    
You could purchase her. She                                 
Would nestle till Hersheys ran dry.                         
                                                            
33073 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Irving Superior     P9205



I know a girl named Jude,                                   
Who like to sleep in the nude.                              
She was lewd and rude                                       
And often quite crude                                       
And always hot to get screwed.                              
                                                            
33074 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Gearhart                 



She'd lay with her legs in the air,                         
Waiting without a care,                                     
On her front lawn,                                          
For her next john                                           
To come 'round and stick his in there.                      
                                                            
33075 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Gearhart                 



She'd scream and giggle with glee;                          
Wrap her legs 'round him tightly.                           
Then when he was done,                                      
She'd ask for the mon'                                      
For what he thought he got free.                            
                                                            
33076 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Gearhart                 



Those girls who harassed you and tried                      
To take all you money, then cried;                          
Who offered you treats                                      
With no tax receipts --                                     
Mr Willis, those were girl guides.                          
                                                            
33077 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Ericka                   



Says a sad-eyed young woman named Belle,                    
"It was all such a thrill when I fell.                      
He said, "It won't hurt you                                 
To give up your virtue,"                                    
And now I just stand her and sell.                          
                                                            
33078 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Isaac Asimov             



A certain young woman named Belle                           
Says, "I find life so flat since I fell.                    
I miss all the urgin'                                       
To give up, as virgin.                                      
How dull to just stand here and sell."                      
                                                            
33079 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Isaac Asimov             



A daughter has street walker, Lorna;                        
Affection she showers upon her.                             
On birthday sixteen,                                        
A heart-warming scene,                                      
She gave her the opposite corner.                           
                                                            
33080 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Irving Superior     P8502



A long-standing tradition at Brown,                         
That the town should be served by the gown,                 
Made coeds devise                                           
Their own enterprise                                        
As call girls and hump for the town.                        
                                                            
33081 HOOKERS - YOUNG                A. N. Wilkins       P8607



She reacted, did novice whore Lee,                          
To her first fuck for dollars with glee!                    
She was bursting with pride;                                
"I'm in business", she cried,                               
"Since a John had his business in me!"                      
                                                            
33082 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



A ripe teenage trollop of Sutton                            
Craved half a decade to put on.                             
She's now well on course                                    
For too soon menopause;                                     
A shame to be lamb dressed as mutton.                       
                                                            
33083 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Howard Peach        P9006



She's a chaste Hopi virgin no more,                         
Since two bucks got her spread on the floor.                
Her career as a tart                                        
Ended right at the start,                                   
For she made just two bucks and no more!                    
                                                            
33084 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                    G0795



A frisky young girl named Louise                            
Said walks in the woods made her freeze.                    
She would rather instead                                    
Spend more time in bed;                                     
Besides, money did not grow on trees.                       
                                                            
33085 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Albin Chaplin   3024-2676



Says cute little Betsy McDade,                              
Who squeals with delight when she's laid,                   
"It's always a joy                                          
To screw with a boy,                                        
But nicer with men who have paid."                          
                                                            
33086 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Hamish - Bawdy Blows     



A real horny cheapskate named Riker                         
Would pick up a female hitchhiker,                          
Request to have sex                                         
For ten dollars mex,                                        
And even seek discounts, the piker.                         
                                                            
33087 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Armand E Singer       921



I met a young teacher named Miss Myer;                      
Viewing her beauty, I'd not tire;                           
Being the man I am,                                         
While imagining her clam,                                   
But not having money to buy her.                            
                                                            
33088 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



For after hours, you could date her, you see,               
And her sexiness strains my celibacy;                       
But you have to be brave,                                   
For the fantasy you crave,                                  
Classmates say she's a delicacy.                            
                                                            
33089 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



That cute little Annabell Lee                               
Has quit giving out samples for free.                       
Saying any real gent                                        
Knows she's got it for rent,                                
So of course that eliminates me.                            
                                                            
33090 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Grand Prix Lim   69      



There was a young hooker from Brock                         
Who never would work by the clock.                          
Said she, "It's not just                                    
For my customer's lust;                                     
I just don't like to go off half-cocked!"                   
                                                            
33091 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Anon                     



There was a young lady named Bess                           
Who had hoped to be a success.                              
She gave so much away                                       
And for this took no pay,                                   
She had little or naught to caress.                         
                                                            
33092 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Albin Chaplin            



There was a young trollop from Trent,                       
Who claimed not to know what they meant.                    
When men asked her age,                                     
She'd reply in a rage,                                      
"My age is the age of consent."                             
                                                            
33093 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



I love to be rolled in the hay.                             
I ask, "Is it work? Is it play?"                            
For the young, there's no fee,                              
I do it for free.                                           
With the old men I do it for pay.                           
                                                            
33094 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Lance Payne         P8509



A frigid young girl of Kilkenny                             
Is troubled by suitors so many,                             
That this frantic young bitch                               
Plans to raffle her twitch,                                 
And the tickets ain't two for a penny!                      
                                                            
33095 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                    G2387



A thrifty old harlot was Cotter;                            
She put a small price on her daughter.                      
When the man stayed all day,                                
The old harlot said, "Say                                   
You have rented my daughter, not bought her."               
                                                            
33096 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Albin Chaplin   3024-1477



A church-going lad of Nantucket                             
Gave this lassie a bright shiny ducat.                      
Her garment dropped off,                                    
She accepted his boff,                                      
His innocence, well, she tuck it.                           
                                                            
33097 HOOKERS - YOUNG                SlvrBear                 



We have bets on that Mae will leave Ray,                    
For he'll sex her just every tenth day.                     
In between, men and boys,                                   
Even girls taste her joys;                                  
She plans soon to start laying for pay!                     
                                                            
33098 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Grand Prix Lim  749      



Since daughter's gone in for streetwalking,                 
It keeps the whole neighborhood gawking.                    
In addition, we've said,                                    
There's the wear on the bed,                                
But our comments are just wasted talking.                   
                                                            
33099 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                    G1870



Two young girls who lived in Ft. Tunney,                    
Decided to sell their dofunny.                              
"We had papa tutor us,                                      
To cash in on our uterus;                                   
We park transients now, in each cunny!"                     
                                                            
33100 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                    L1016



A street-walker who's named Felice,                         
Was heard instructing her niece.                            
"Sometimes there's pain,                                    
And there's always a stain,                                 
So try to use plenty of grease."                            
                                                            
33101 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Mr Malo                  



From her balcony high in the sky,                           
On display for all those passing by,                        
She flaunts her young wares                                 
To all those who dare                                       
Rent a piece of her lovely hair pie.                        
                                                            
33102 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



Cherry pie, it sure ain't, I proclaim;                      
Having seen her, before, I've no shame;                     
If she'll toss down the keys,                               
I will crawl on my knees,                                   
To her loft, like a moth seeks the flame!                   
                                                            
33103 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



A New Orleans balcony, hey?                                 
For pie in the sloppiest way.                               
I'm buying my ticket                                        
For a taste of her thicket,                                 
So laissez les bons temps rouler!                           
(let the good times roll)                                   
33104 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



He begged: "Give me head, honey."  "Maybe,"                 
Said anticipating young Gaby.                               
"This is my first test,                                     
And I'll give it my best.                                   
When we're finished, I want sugar, baby!"                   
                                                            
33105 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



The belly of Sally McPine                                   
I'd gladly rub daily with mine.                             
But the oversexed honey                                     
Asks for something called MONEY                             
Just like the stuff grew on a vine...                       
                                                            
33106 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Grand Prix Lim   61      



I've tried many times to persuade                           
Her to take up position as maid                             
On my living room floor,                                    
And last night she said, "Sure",                            
But insists that she's properly paid.                       
                                                            
33107 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



It seems if I want her behind,                              
I've to pay ninety dollars a grind;                         
But that's more than I earn                                 
In a week so I yearn,                                       
She'll agree to my payment in kind.                         
                                                            
33108 HOOKERS - YOUNG                                         



There was an old madam named Bryce                          
Whose school for young harlots was nice;                    
While the ladies did learn                                  
How to handle their stern,                                  
They were fucked for a very low price.                      
                                                            
33109 HOOKERS - YOUNG                Albin Chaplin   3024-1457



"I hope, son", said Dad, "You will wed                      
A sweet girl who'll keep you well fed."                     
"But I want to marry                                        
A girl like Aunt Carrie                                     
Or Mother, who gives me great head."                        
                                                            
33110 INCEST - AUNTS                 Travis Brasell           



There was a young farmer of Nant,                           
Whose conduct was both gay and gallant;                     
For he fucked all his dozens                                
Of nieces and cousins,                                      
In addition, of course, to his aunt.                        
                                                            
33111 INCEST - AUNTS                                     L1495



An old chook from the town of Kalgoorlie                    
Wed a bloke from up the road at Coolgardie.                 
The Sandgroper pair                                         
Had met at a fair.                                          
He was pissed and knew not 'twas his Auntie.                
                                                            
33112 INCEST - AUNTS                 Alan Chilver             



Another young man named McLure                              
Had thought that his sister was pure.                       
When he took off her panties                                
He cried, "Why they're auntie's,                            
And uncle's been in here for sure."                         
                                                            
33113 INCEST - AUNTS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0733



While peeing in the toilet one day,                         
The water turned blue and then gray.                        
I must be real sick                                         
For out of my dick                                          
Came the disease that I caught from Aunt May.               
                                                            
33114 INCEST - AUNTS                 Labodomy                 



That oversexed guy, Delehanty,                              
Whose morals are terribly scanty,                           
Badly shocked Peyton Place                                  
And is not in disgrace                                      
For fathering twins on his auntie.                          
                                                            
33115 INCEST - AUNTS                                     G1647



A half-wit young fellow named Newt,                         
Was thought by relations as cute.                           
He went over to auntie's,                                   
And got in her panties,                                     
And this harmless relation bore fruit.                      
                                                            
33116 INCEST - AUNTS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1419



Consumed with incestuous heat,                              
I shake to my old Auntys' beat.                             
There is no relent                                          
From her 'til I'm spent;                                    
Her Parkinsons sure works a treat!                          
                                                            
33117 INCEST - AUNTS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow from Goshen                        
Caused a scandal this side of the ocean.                    
He raped both is aunts                                      
Who had St. Vitus dance,                                    
And explained, "I've got plenty of motion!"                 
                                                            
33118 INCEST - AUNTS                                     G0601



An incestuous bastard named Grant                           
Said while casually loving his aunt,                        
"Dear, somehow or other                                     
It isn't like mother...                                     
Though the difference is actually scant."                   
                                                            
33119 INCEST - AUNTS                 John T. Coultard    P8504



On a visit back to his old haunts,                          
He noted that some of his aunts                             
Were single and lonely                                      
So he figured the only                                      
Right thing was to see to their wants.                      
                                                            
33120 INCEST - AUNTS                 John Miller 0130a        



Young Willy at only fourteen                                
Stayed a week with his Auntie Doreen,                       
And whenever he could                                       
He would play with his wood;                                
He just had to; you know what I mean.                       
                                                            
33121 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



Now Auntie one day said, "I'm out                           
To the shops", but she hadn't a doubt                       
That young Willy would play                                 
With his pecker that day;                                   
How she longed for a feel of his spout.                     
                                                            
33122 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



She pretended to go out the door,                           
Then she waited in silence and sure                         
Enough soon heard the creaking                              
Of bed-springs a-squeaking;                                 
A sound which she couldn't ignore.                          
                                                            
33123 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



She caught him upstairs in her bed,                         
Wanking off in her panties and said,                        
"Dearest nephew, your dick                                  
Is exciting me. Quick;                                      
Let me pleasure your pecker instead."                       
                                                            
33124 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



Young Willy was eager and keen                              
And he learned all the tricks he could glean.               
Now he's older, he treasures                                
All ladies and pleasures                                    
'Em, thanks to his Auntie Doreen.                           
                                                            
33125 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



A horny young seaman, McGee,                                
Gave live-meat injections for free.                         
He shot it in dozens                                        
Of his aunts and his cousins,                               
Then went it alone while at sea.                            
                                                            
33126 INCEST - AUNTS                 Grand Prix Lim  403 G2165



In a scene reminiscent of Saki,                             
Malformed Joe saw Doctor deBakey,                           
Then used his transplant,                                   
To deflower his aunt,                                       
And took off for Paris, quite cocky.                        
                                                            
33127 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



My prowess at licking a twat                                
Has come from my licking a lot.                             
Just make sure I know                                       
When it's time for Aunt Flo,                                
So I will not choke on a clot!                              
                                                            
33128 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



An aspiring young fellow named Grant                        
Unwillingly buggered his aunt.                              
He said, "On my uncle's                                     
Backside are carbuncles:                                    
I wish that I could, but I can't."                          
                                                            
33129 INCEST - AUNTS                                     G0980



A backward young fellow named Ewing,                        
From his aunt took a lesson in screwing.                    
When she asked, "Ain't it grand?"                           
Better far that your hand?                                  
He complained, "You can't see what you're doing."           
                                                            
33130 INCEST - AUNTS                                          



A dentist with teeth like a rock                            
Had constantly aches in his cock.                           
His brain blew to pieces,                                   
While screwing his nieces,                                  
And after he hardly could fock.                             
                                                            
33131 INCEST - NIECES                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young man from Greece                      
Who had lots of sex with his niece.                         
When asked, he would say,                                   
"There's no way! I am gay!"                                 
Then he'd go home and stroke on his piece.                  
                                                            
33132 INCEST - NIECES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Laughed a Mexican peon named Luis                           
(May his tribe ever thrive and increase),                   
"By golly, I gotcha,                                        
You cute cucaracha,"                                        
And proceeded to rape his young niece.                      
                                                            
33133 INCEST - NIECES                Armand E Singer       149



Said Dumas, the pere to the fils,                           
"I really am getting obese.                                 
No longer a runt,                                           
I project so in front,                                      
That I scarcely can bugger my niece."                       
                                                            
33134 INCEST - NIECES                                    G0971



I've hundreds of cousins and nieces;                        
All girlies with interesting creases,                       
Who visit me Sundays                                        
And leave me on Mondays.                                    
Exhausted, I love them to pieces.                           
                                                            
33135 INCEST - NIECES                Peter Wilkins            



A trusting young woman named Treadwell                      
Believed that she knew Uncle Fred well,                     
But he tossed her in bed                                    
On top of the spread,                                       
And it seems that this maid was misled well.                
                                                            
33136 INCEST - NIECES                William K. Alsop    P8910



There was an Old Man in a pew,                              
Who waistcoat was covered with glue;                        
When he tore off a piece                                    
With his nubile young niece,                                
He found he'd been nailed in the screw.                     
                                                            
33137 INCEST - NIECES                Edwardian Leer 009       



"Get off of my daughter!  Please cease!                     
Or brother, I'll call the police.                           
You asked how to pray,                                      
And I didn't say:                                           
First brother, go down on your niece."                      
                                                            
33138 INCEST - NIECES                                         



Said Norman, "I do love my niece!                           
But so far she hasn't much fleece.                          
And Eunice, my ewe,                                         
Has always been true                                        
And her mom doesn't call the police."                       
                                                            
33139 INCEST - NIECES                John Miller              



Said Norman, "I do love my niece!                           
But so far she hasn't much fleece.                          
And Eunice, my ewe,                                         
Has always been true                                        
And her mom doesn't call the police."                       
                                                            
33140 INCEST - NIECES                John Miller              



There was an old fellow named Reese,                        
Who longed to make love to his niece.                       
Don't accuse him of gall,                                   
He did not expect all,                                      
But just an occasional piece.                               
                                                            
33141 INCEST - NIECES                Isaac Asimov             



There once was a Master of Jesus                            
Who slept with two of his nieces.                           
To the first he gave twints,                                
To the second one quints,                                   
And to both of them, frightful diseases.                    
                                                            
33142 INCEST - NIECES                                    G1922



There was a young man from Berlin,                          
A patron of sexual sin.                                     
He crammed the small crease                                 
'Twixt the legs of his niece                                
With a foot of his old rolling pin.                         
                                                            
33143 INCEST - NIECES                                    L0996



With Christmas Feast over, I stole                          
Away, as my custom, to stroll                               
And burn up a calorie                                       
Or two with niece Valery,                                   
Whose buttocks resembles a knoll.                           
                                                            
33144 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



We strolled past the mill where my grits                    
Are ground from white corn, and past pits                   
Where rattlesnakes coiled,                                  
Until my blood boiled                                       
With lust for young Valorie's tits.                         
                                                            
33145 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



When Valorie walks, her tits bounce                         
In quick metronomical counts                                
Of two beats per measure;                                   
A rhythmical treasure                                       
On which I am tempted to pounce.                            
                                                            
33146 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



But though the temptation is great,                         
I bridle my lust and just wait                              
Until we both top                                           
The mountain and stop                                       
To rest at the upper north gate.                            
                                                            
33147 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



We reached the north gate where we rested                   
A moment before I molested                                  
My niece on this annual                                     
Occasion with manual                                        
Jug jerks (which she's never protested!).                   
                                                            
33148 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



I pulled, squeezed, grabbed, pummeled and mashed            
Her tits with my hands while she thrashed                   
And begged my indulgence                                    
To do to my bulgence                                        
The same, which she did unabashed.                          
                                                            
33149 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



With clothing disheveled and mussed,                        
We strolled a bit further till lust                         
Again got the better                                        
Of me, and the sweater                                      
Off Valorie's bountiful bust.                               
                                                            
33150 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



I sucked on her boobs right to left,                        
Then centered my slurps in her cleft;                       
With Valorie braless,                                       
Her hooters were flawless,                                  
But, damn, in one year, they'd gained heft!                 
                                                            
33151 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



We turned down a path seldom travelled,                     
And muddy (It used to be gravelled),                        
Where [ouch!] some sharp stickers                           
Snagged Valorie's knickers                                  
And managed to get 'em unravelled.                          
                                                            
33152 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



Cried Valorie, "Damn, oh, what luck!                        
I'm standing here nude in the muck!                         
Since I've got no sweater                                   
Or breeches, I'd better,                                    
Dear Uncle, lie down for a fuck!"                           
                                                            
33153 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



Said I, "No, I'd never disgrace                             
You; screwing would be out of place                         
For me with my kin."                                        
She quipped, with a grin,                                   
"At least put your cock in my face!"                        
                                                            
33154 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



"Oh, hon, that's the least I could do!"                     
Said I, "And I'll shoot quarts of goo                       
All over your tongue,                                       
And, since you're still young,                              
All over your chin and hair, too!"                          
                                                            
33155 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



Well, after a fine bout of oral                             
Sex, Valorie asked for a floral                             
Arrangement and candy,                                      
And I thought, "Just dandy!                                 
My niece will soon charge -- like a whore'll!"              
                                                            
33156 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



Each year our stroll ends to our sorrow,                    
And Valorie always must borrow                              
My hanky to wipe                                            
Her tears; then she'll pipe,                                
"I wish Christmas Day was tomorrow!"                        
                                                            
33157 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



If you think this yarn is too long,                         
You may be more right than more wrong.                      
The length of this tale,                                    
However, will pale                                          
Compared to the length of my dong!                          
                                                            
33158 INCEST - NIECES                Travis Brasell           



Uncle Tom like his poontang real tender                     
(Though he paid small attention to gender).                 
He loved all his nieces                                     
And nephews to pieces --                                    
In fact he put two through the blender.                     
                                                            
33159 INCEST - NIECES                John Miller              



A young man from Peloponnesus,                              
Seduced all his nephews amd nieces.                         
At the point of a sword,                                    
He married his ward,                                        
And was the father of triplets, by Jesus.                   
                                                            
33160 INCEST - NIECES                                    L1508



A long-winded writer named Dunn                             
Was told by his editor, "Son,                               
You should try shorter pieces."                             
So he laid his two nieces                                   
Both of whom stand 5 foot 1.                                
                                                            
33161 INCEST - NIECES                                    P8503



"Since my nieces are darlings", said Sid,                   
"I oblige them - I do what I'm bid."                        
As he tucked them in bed,                                   
He asked, "What's to be read?"                              
"Uncle Remus", they cried, so he did.                       
                                                            
33162 INCEST - NIECES                                         



There once was a man from Erie,                             
Who always was so very cheery.                              
They found out just why:                                    
It seem that the guy                                        
Was fucking his niece, the sweet dearie!                    
                                                            
33163 INCEST - NIECES                MrMalo                   



In college, my sex-studies prof                             
Dismissed college girls with a cough.                       
"There's no coed piece                                      
Beats my little niece,                                      
Successfully winking you off.                               
                                                            
33164 INCEST - NIECES                John Miller              



A festive young lady of Wick,                               
While sucking her grandfather's prick,                      
Exclaimed, "I don't funk                                    
The taste of your spunk,                                    
It's the smell of your arse makes me sick."                 
                                                            
33165 INCEST - PARENTS               Cremorne 1882            



An eccentric young man of Penzance                          
Madly tore down his grandmother's pants.                    
He knocked her up properly,                                 
Broke the bed and the crockery,                             
And now must be called "Dad" by his aunts.                  
(canopy? - No, that was under the bed - McW)                
33166 INCEST - PARENTS                                   G1703



'Cause her dad thought that he was a felon,                 
She said, "No, He's a ripe watermelon!"                     
She said, "Honey, I dew!"                                   
He said, "Pumpkin, me too!"                                 
What they did with the seeds they ain't tellin'.            
                                                            
33167 INCEST - PARENTS               Cheryl                   



There was a young soldier named Tucker                      
Who invited his granny to supper.                           
After beans and a tart,                                     
He started to fart.                                         
By God, after pudding, 'twas up her!                        
                                                            
33168 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



"Good God!" cried the Duke of Buckloo,                      
"I've been struck out of this year's "Who's Who"!           
All because of that day                                     
I rolled in the hay                                         
With my grandmother -- very nice too!"                      
                                                            
33169 INCEST - PARENTS                                   G2280



The mother was chastising Hammer                            
For getting behind in his grammar.                          
Said Hammer, "I'd rather                                    
Get it into Grandfather,                                    
And if Grammer don't like it, why damn her."                
                                                            
33170 INCEST - PARENTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0923



There are arcane genetic defects,                           
Which at present no testing detects.                        
These cause some folks to pause,                            
For most others it's laws                                   
Which admonish that "Oedipus Wrecks."                       
                                                            
33171 INCEST - PARENTS               Loren Fitzhugh      P0007



I am not reknowned for my lurkin';                          
I am more well known with my gherkin.                       
Its been in my poppa;                                       
My mom I can't stoppa                                       
From telling me that she is hurtin'.                        
                                                            
33172 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



When pa checked the bedroom at nine,                        
He saw son fucking grandma real fine,                       
So he said to him, "Chuck,                                  
That's my mother you fuck."                                 
"So what," said the son, "you fuck mine."                   
                                                            
33173 INCEST - PARENTS               Albin Chaplin            



"You've gone done the business, eh lad?                     
About bloody time that you had!                             
Your mother and me...                                       
We've been worried, you see."                               
"Well you don't need to worry now, dad."                    
                                                            
33174 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



"So who's the old slapper, eh lad?"                         
"She said not to tell you that, dad."                       
"Oh come now, my son;                                       
Was she horny and fun?"                                     
"Well, she said I'm the best that she'd had."               
                                                            
33175 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



"Gor blimey!  The best that she'd had?                      
She must have been desperate, my lad."                      
"She was, 'cause she said                                   
You were useless in bed,                                    
And tomorrow we're leaving you, dad."                       
                                                            
33176 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



Said Silas to Sue: "May I borrow                            
Your daughter to rid me of sorrow?"                         
"Why, yes, you poor dear,"                                  
Said Sue, with a tear,                                      
"You're her daddy -- return her tomorrow."                  
                                                            
33177 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



There once was a girl from Galahad                          
Who fancied her father--too bad!                            
She then caught her brother                                 
Going down on her mother,                                   
Who remarked, "Not in the same class as Dad.'               
                                                            
33178 INCEST - PARENTS                                   G0598



There was a young fellow named Tucker,                      
Who rushed at his mother to fuck her.                       
His mother said, "Damn!                                     
Don't you know who I am?                                    
You act like a regular mucker!"                             
                                                            
33179 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



There was a young man named McGraw                          
Who had an affair with his ma.                              
She said, "Give me another,                                 
You are better than brother."                               
He said, "No, I must save one for pa."                      
                                                            
33180 INCEST - PARENTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0732



A prostitute earning a buck,                                
Was just laying down for a fuck,                            
When in strolled her dad,                                   
Who said, "I've been had!"                                  
But he still gave her his penis to suck.                    
                                                            
33181 INCEST - PARENTS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There's horny young Kate from Combe Bisset                  
With an ass miles across, you can't miss it.                
With feminine wiles                                         
Her poor dad she beguiles,                                  
Then she sits on his face and says, "Kiss it."              
                                                            
33182 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



A writer on incest, surmises,                               
His book won't be mentioned for prizes;                     
But he thinks it will sell,                                 
And do rather well,                                         
With the title "The Son Also Rises".                        
                                                            
33183 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



Donated his sperm at 18;                                    
Now 40 he's screwing Eileen,                                
A mere 22;                                                  
And if only he knew                                         
(What we've guessed) he'd be ever more keen.                
                                                            
33184 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



It sounds like his daughter's a teaser,                     
And that he's just trying to please 'er;                    
They have a good time.                                      
Can that be a crime?                                        
So what, if she came from a freezer?                        
                                                            
33185 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



Timmy was small, but real mad                               
With lust for the daughter he had.                          
He climbed up the ladder                                    
Each time that he had her,                                  
And that's why she called him "Step-dad."                   
                                                            
33186 INCEST - PARENTS               Tiddy Ogg                



An incestuous Roman, Anonymous,                             
Called each of his children Eponymous.                      
No one knew who was who,                                    
What to which each could do,                                
As the hers and the hims were synonymous.                   
                                                            
33187 INCEST - PARENTS               Professor                



As her twentty-third kid wiggled out,                       
Ma Diddleflop gave a big shout                              
And sighed, "Well, that's done,                             
Pa, from me you get none...                                 
Ain't we got a teen daughter about?"                        
                                                            
33188 INCEST - PARENTS               Grand Prix Lim  286      



When Mary's new baby was due,                               
She confessed to her mother she knew                        
That the chef was to blame,                                 
And her mother said, "Shame,                                
I'm afraid that he's your father, too."                     
                                                            
33189 INCEST - PARENTS               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8212



A stableman's daughter named Prentiss,                      
Is morally non compos mentis:                               
She seduces her Dad,                                        
And when Dad can't be had,                                  
Uses horses in loco parentis.                               
                                                            
33190 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



There once was a man from Teeswater,                        
Who jumped into bed with his daughter.                      
Well, you know the rest,                                    
It was just incest;                                         
The result was a three-footed otter.                        
                                                            
33191 INCEST - PARENTS               Teeswater Tom            



Old Angus McKiltup was burstin'                             
With lust for his daughter, young Kirsten,                  
Who'd tickle the tilt                                       
In his kilt 'til he spilt                                   
Within inches of thrustin' his wurst in.                    
                                                            
33192 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



Yes, incest is hard to resist,                              
With tender young quim to be kissed                         
Between creamy thighs...                                    
But the law thinks elsewise,                                
So perhaps it was all for the bist... er best.              
                                                            
33193 INCEST - PARENTS               Tiddy Ogg                



But yes, I know well that kid Kirsten,                      
And wished as the tub she's immersed in,                    
That I were the soap.                                       
Alas there's no hope,                                       
And daddy I'm sure'll be the first in....                   
                                                            
33194 INCEST - PARENTS               Tiddy Ogg                



'Cause though he is old, in his kilt,                       
It's plain just how well he is built.                       
He'll make Kirsten squeal                                   
When she gets a feel,                                       
And he buries it up to the hilt.                            
                                                            
33195 INCEST - PARENTS               Tiddy Ogg                



'Tis a scandal now heard 'round the glen,                   
And retold from the moors to the fen;                       
Kirsten's squeals, though so dear,                          
Caught the dour Sheriff's ear                               
And he hauled Angus off to the pen.                         
                                                            
33196 INCEST - PARENTS               Joe Long                 



And there Angus learned of the joys                         
More commonly saved for young boys.                         
Since Angus had piles,                                      
His squeals carried miles,                                  
And the Sheriff went deaf from the noise.                   
                                                            
33197 INCEST - PARENTS               John Miller              



When Angus heard this he grew pallid;                       
The inmates were singing a ballad.                          
"We are done with the bung;                                 
Time for using your tongue.                                 
Get down and start tossing our salad."                      
                                                            
33198 INCEST - PARENTS               Goin2later               



The Sheriff told old Dr Mears,                              
"It's time for a change in careers;                         
Since I lost my hearing,                                    
More losses I'm fearing,                                    
'Cause Angus has gone in arrears!"                          
                                                            
33199 INCEST - PARENTS               Travis                   



Ry truck has a flaw in design;                              
When fuckin' my maw from behin'                             
Her right titty jiggles                                     
And turns on the signals;                                   
Paw's still whuppin' this po'r ass o' mine                  
                                                            
33200 INCEST - PARENTS                                        



Downstairs in the living-room, Jill                         
Was vibrating herself for a thrill;                         
Up above through a crack                                    
In the ceiling peered Jack,                                 
Wanking madly and ready to spill.                           
                                                            
33201 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



As Jill started fondling her nips,                          
And ecstatically grinding her hips,                         
With her thighs open wide                                   
And her dildo inside,                                       
Through the ceiling came creamy white drips.                
                                                            
33202 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



At first in a panic, she thought a                          
Perverted old neighbor had caught her,                      
Until through the crack                                     
Up above she spied Jack,                                    
And cried, "Daddy! You know you shouldn't oughta!"          
                                                            
33203 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



"Oh please give me babies, dear Pa,"                        
Said Joan, as she whipped off her bra.                      
"Oh Jeeze, ask your brother;                                
I'm busy with mother!"                                      
Said Pa as he bounced upon Ma.                              
                                                            
33204 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



A sorry young fellow was Hame,                              
Surrounded by gloom and deep shame.                         
He felt life was ending                                     
And doom was impending,                                     
So he crawled in the cunt whence he came.                   
                                                            
33205 INCEST - PARENTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2098



"Oh tell me please, Daddy, sagacious,                       
Are babes found 'neath shrubbery herbacious?                
Or are they transport-                                      
Ed by birds of some sort?                                   
Or are all of these theories fallacious?"                   
                                                            
33206 INCEST - PARENTS               Tiddy Ogg                



"The questions you ask, dear!  Good gracious!               
I'll tell you and not be loquacious:                        
I'll undo my zip                                            
Put this to your lip.                                       
Now suck; That's the method fellatious."                    
                                                            
33207 INCEST - PARENTS               Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh Daddy, my questions you're ducking;                     
For Mummy has told me that sucking                          
Is merely fallacious                                        
And less efficacious                                        
For baby production than fucking."                          
                                                            
33208 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



Well, you've seen the bull with the cow,                    
And you've seen the boar with the sow.                      
And the dog with his bone                                   
On the bitch; how they moan!                                
Mom and dad do the same, and Oh WOW!                        
                                                            
33209 INCEST - PARENTS               CM                       



"So daddy, get on with the job                              
Of spinning me 'round on your knob;                         
To you I'm a baby,                                          
I may be but maybe,                                         
You're better than grandfather Bob."                        
                                                            
33210 INCEST - PARENTS               Peter Wilkins            



"I'm better than Grandfather Bob?                           
Why's that, child?  Is he an old slob?"                     
"Oh Dad, don't be crass;                                    
When he screws my ass,                                      
The geezer can't finish the job!"                           
                                                            
33211 INCEST - PARENTS               Travis                   



She awoke in the night to discover                          
That the person who pulled off her cover                    
Was her dad...on her pad                                    
He begat Tad, her lad...                                    
Now dad's grandfather, father, and lover!                   
                                                            
33212 INCEST - PARENTS               Grand Prix Lim  312 G1649



There once was a man from Miami                             
Who loved ass-fucking his mammy.                            
And when he stuck it up her,                                
She sang for her supper.                                    
The bitch could have won her a Grammy!                      
                                                            
33213 INCEST - PARENTS               Count Pornkula      T9711



As the idiot son, rather queer,                             
Tried to bugger his dad in the ear,                         
Said the father, "Fun's fun,                                
But I really must run.                                      
Be quick now and come; that's a dear."                      
                                                            
33214 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                          G1034



A hot signorina in Rome                                     
Gave her favors 'neath St. Peter's dome.                    
The Pope ne'er protested                                    
'Til her dad she incested.                                  
Said she, "Charity begins at home."                         
                                                            
33215 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Ellen Alaka         P9509



There once was a hillbilly named Ned                        
Who took all his daughters to bed.                          
He'd lick them and suck them;                               
Sometimes he would fuck them.                               
Their children were dull in the head.                       
                                                            
33216 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Navin                    



Now Ned liked to fiddle and paw                             
On these daughters and sometimes their ma.                  
Inbreeding's don't matter                                   
Or cause tongues to chatter;                                
You see, they were from Arkansas.                           
                                                            
33217 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Navin                    



There was a young lady called Maddy,                        
Who screwed every Tom, Dick and laddie.                     
But oh, dissillusion;                                       
Her final conclusion                                        
Was: none were as good as her daddy.                        
                                                            
33218 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Peter Wilkins            



A horny old fellow was Potter,                              
Who joined with a swing club, the rotter.                   
Since his dear wife was dead,                               
He took with him instead                                    
His buxom and cute teen-age daughter.                       
                                                            
33219 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Albin Chaplin   3024-2237



One night when the great Duke of Buckingham                 
Put his daughters to bed and was tucking 'em                
Till his hands 'neath the sheets                            
Brushed their pert little teats,                            
And the next thing he knew, he was fucking 'em.             
                                                            
33220 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



"A total eclipse of the sun;"                               
Said daughter, "it's time we had fun.                       
While mama's out looking                                    
We'll have a quick fooking,                                 
So dad, get yer trousers undone."                           
                                                            
33221 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



There was a young Jew of Delray,                            
Who buggered his father one day.                            
He said, "I like rather                                     
To stuff it up father,                                      
He's clean and there's nothing to pay."                     
(Published 1879)                                            
33222 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Norman Douglas      L0464



There was a young lady named Crother                        
Who had an affair with her father.                          
Her dear darling Harry                                      
Had asked her to marry,                                     
But she said 'twas far too much bother.                     
                                                            
33223 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Albin Chaplin            



There once was a young lass named Dee,                      
Who fucked all the fellows for free.                        
She was surprised,                                          
It was not all those guys,                                  
But her father who gave her V.D.                            
                                                            
33224 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



Said Debbie to Daddy with glee,                             
As she bounced up and down on his knee,                     
"Will you do like my brother                                
Is doing to Mother,                                         
And play 'Hide the Sausage' with me?"                       
                                                            
33225 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Peter Wilkins            



A daughter of Nashville named Patty,                        
A cutie and surely no fatty,                                
Marries a good friend of Hinke                              
Who isn't a stinky,                                         
And hopefully isn't her daddy!                              
                                                            
33226 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a passionate young lady named Eleanor,              
So wild, they all say she's got hell in 'er.                
But this doesn't bother                                     
Her amorous father:                                         
"Here's one thing," says he, "will look well in 'er."       
                                                            
33227 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                          G0579



Hot waters make every lad scream,                           
Hot otters make for the glad stream;                        
Incestual heat                                              
Just cannot be beat;                                        
Hot daughters make their old dad's cream.                   
                                                            
33228 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



Bert, out of the shower is hopping;                         
Cries daughter Lil: "Daddy, that's whopping!                
And when, do you suppose,                                   
I can get one of those?"                                    
"Five minutes, dear, when mom's gone shopping."             
                                                            
33229 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Tiddy Ogg                



Jack and Jill climbed a hill to get water,                  
Little Jill, you should know, was his daughter;             
H20?  What a crock!                                         
He whipped out his cock,                                    
And then banged her like dad's hadn't aught 'er!            
                                                            
33230 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Armand E Singer     P0102



An amorous father named Jude                                
Would hump both his daughters, stark nude;                  
If not very beautiful,                                      
A least they were dutiful                                   
And rarely objected when screwed.                           
                                                            
33231 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Armand E Singer       545



Dear Cheri, let me help you relate;                         
In cock size I am no lightweight.                           
But when your Dad's is FIFTEEN,                             
And can tickle your spleen!                                 
Seems small when I'm only eight.                            
                                                            
33232 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



Yes, in my family, dicks grow like trees...                 
And I know that eight's plenty to please.                   
But fifteen'd be a rush                                     
T'would make elephants blush;                               
My father's hangs down to his knees.                        
                                                            
33233 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



"Who laid me last night about two?"                         
Asked winsome blonde Abigail Drew...                        
"Lighting lights is a bother,                               
But it felt like you, Father,                               
Though it could have been Uncle Buck, too!"                 
                                                            
33234 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Grand Prix Lim  462      



As they nibbled pate de fois gras,                          
He suggested a menage a trois,                              
Between sips of champagne,                                  
She said, "Please not again.                                
I'm still tired from last night, dear Papa."                
                                                            
33235 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



There was a young girl from Baghdad                         
Whose mother found out she'd been had.                      
When asked by her mother,                                   
"My dear, who's your lover?"                                
She said, "Mother... your brother... my dad."               
                                                            
33236 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



"Oh brother!" laughed sweet little Maddie,                  
"That's hardly a stiffy, dear laddie."                      
Then added while giggling,                                  
"I'd rather be jiggling                                     
And bouncing on top of my daddy!"                           
                                                            
33237 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Peter Wilkins            



A vicious sex pervert named Slaughter                       
Had three feeble kids by his daughter,                      
But then that's not bad,                                    
Look at mother and dad:                                     
They don't have both oars in the water.                     
                                                            
33238 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Armand E Singer       217



I told that cute Filly, Mignon                              
To sneak out of the house before dawn,                      
But what happened is sad...                                 
She was caught by her Dad                                   
And he's having her now on the lawn.                        
                                                            
33239 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Grand Prix Lim  659      



There was a young lady from Clyde,                          
Who was forced to become a quick bride.                     
For when her Pa tried her,                                  
He found an outsider,                                       
Had not been completely outside.                            
                                                            
33240 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      CC-109                   



My Daughter, those parts I adore,                           
Belong on that body of your;                                
Those teeth and those lips                                  
Can give little nips,                                       
To my parts from which pleasures pour.                      
                                                            
33241 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



And while you in rapture are humming,                       
I feel your little heart drumming.                          
I hope you're not cross                                     
As I clean up the dross,                                    
Preparing for my Second Coming.                             
                                                            
33242 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER                               



I'm sorry you think of me that                              
way. I have a large throbbing fat                           
Beneath my surplice;                                        
I'm seeking surcease;                                       
It's turning me into a rat!                                 
                                                            
33243 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Archie                   



In the hayloft one Sunday at two,                           
The hired hand was pumping on Sue...                        
When her pop showed his head,                               
He snickered and said,                                      
"I'll try her too, when you're through.                     
                                                            
33244 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Grand Prix Lim  529      



A most ugly young sabra from Joppa                          
Had the kind of a face that would stoppa                    
A. Grizzly bear in its tracks, so she never had sex,        
B. Clock, even Big Ben, so she never knew men,              
Till at last she was had by her poppa.                      
                                                            
33245 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Armand E Singer       174



A bi-sexual by the name of Slaughter                        
Did what he should not have oughter.                        
He went to Trieste                                          
To engage in incest                                         
With his son and his bow-legged daughter.                   
                                                            
33246 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Lims For Year - 01       



Oh daughter of mine, you are beautiful,                     
Obedient and thorough and dutiful.                          
So as a reward,                                             
My own darling Maud,                                        
I'll let you come suck on my rooticle.                      
                                                            
33247 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Tiddy Ogg                



When daughters drop down to their knees,                    
With aims towards their poppas to please,                   
The poppa whose rooticle                                    
Grows long like a shooticle,                                
Makes "daughter dear" swing from the trees.                 
                                                            
33248 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      Travis Brasell           



While your rooticle she did delight,                        
Your son walked in causing a fright.                        
Sis's bare derriere                                         
Caused bro's passion to flare.                              
Wham-bam with fam-ham, left and right.                      
                                                            
33249 INCEST - PARENTS - FATHER      RanDog                   



There once was a boy named Carruthers,                      
Who was busily fucking his mother.                          
"I know it's a sin,"                                        
He said, shoving it in,                                     
"But it's better than blowing my brother."                  
                                                            
33250 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



There once was a student of Trinity                         
Who ruined his sister's virginity.                          
He buggered his brother,                                    
Had twins by his mother,                                    
And then took a degree in Divinity.                         
                                                            
33251 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                          G1168



A comely black lad from Miami,                              
With skin just as soft as a chamois,                        
Was courted by men                                          
From Rome to Cheyenne                                       
But finally chose his own mammy.                            
                                                            
33252 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Armand E Singer       885



Young Jimmy was sitting alone                               
In the living-room, stroking his bone,                      
When he got quite a shock                                   
For the key in the lock                                     
Turned and mother walked in on her own.                     
                                                            
33253 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Peter Wilkins            



"Good heavens, young Jimmy m'lad!                           
Remember that chat that we had                              
'Bout the birds and the bees?"                              
Said his mother, "Now please                                
Let me see if you're bigger than dad."                      
                                                            
33254 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Peter Wilkins            



In nineteen and forty I had                                 
The very large penis of Chad;                               
When mother found out,                                      
She gave quite a route                                      
To my dear old wonderful dad.                               
                                                            
33255 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



A 12-year-old boy, name of Tommy,                           
Cried, "Oh I'm so bored," to his mommy.                     
"Don't fret dear," she said,                                
"We can hop into bed                                        
And play the game Hide the Salami."                         
                                                            
33256 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Don Moore           P0007



A virile young stud from Miami                              
Learned all about sex from his Mammy                        
She taught him a lot -                                      
Even how to eat twat -                                      
Should the clam seem a little too clammy!                   
                                                            
33257 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Jim Weaver Collection    



The folks of the family Cruther                             
Played checkers one night with each other.                  
At the end of the game                                      
And accepting no blame,                                     
Her favorite son jumped his poor mother.                    
                                                            
33258 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0112



I've told both your father and brother                      
That I love you, dear, like none other,                     
Except for the whore                                        
Who works at my store                                       
And, also, your large-breasted mother.                      
                                                            
33259 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



Now don't be too hard on our Tommy.                         
Who terribly misses his Mommy.                              
Who threw the bum out                                       
For the speed of his pout,                                  
And comforts herself with slalami.                          
                                                            
33260 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Jonathan H               



So poor Tommy is missing his starch,                        
And his Mommy, her bucking and arch.                        
But she fixed it, you see,                                  
Or she also would be                                        
Lean and hungry, the Fifteenth of March.                    
                                                            
33261 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Jonathan H               



A young college senior named Tom                            
Seems somewhat too fond of his mom;                         
They sleep nude side by side,                               
He pretends she's his bride,                                
He takes her each spring to the prom.                       
                                                            
33262 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Armand E Singer       113



A spunky young schoolboy named Fred,                        
Used to jackoff each night while in bed.                    
Said his mother, "Dear lad,                                 
That's exceedingly bad.                                     
Jump in here with your momma instead."                      
                                                            
33263 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                          G2341



A dastardly brat from Bel Aire                              
Insists that he had an affair                               
With his very own Mama--                                    
But she claims no trauma,                                   
And says it was mostly hot heir.                            
                                                            
33264 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Norm Storer         P9206



"How could you", said Joe to his mother,                    
"Cavort in your bed with another?"                          
"Oh promise me lad                                          
That you won't tell your dad,                               
If I screw you as good as your brother."                    
                                                            
33265 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Peter Wilkins            



There once was a teenage Canuck,                            
Who went to his mom for a fuck.                             
She said, "My dear Sam,                                     
Don't you know who I am?                                    
Now bring me a pound or a buck."                            
                                                            
33266 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



"And those folks that write them, think dim                 
Witted crass mother-fuckers are crim-                       
Inals when their poop,                                      
Fouls up their fine group.                                  
Now get your dick back in my quim."                         
                                                            
33267 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



Before you can change things here, sonny,                   
You should know them yourself; ask your mummy.              
"What's this thing, limerick?"                              
She'll spit out your dick,                                  
And tell you it's something that's funny.                   
                                                            
33268 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



Lord Shotwad's mum said, "What disgrace!                    
You've once again come on my lace;                          
Swear on your good name,                                    
You'll take better aim,                                     
And target the nose on my face!"                            
                                                            
33269 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Travis Brasell           



"Hey, Mom, can I nibble your clit?"                         
Asked Billy.  "Oh, son, you must quit                       
Such talk; it's a crime!                                    
Remember last time                                          
I let you -- but, dammit, you bit?"                         
                                                            
33270 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



"Besides, you are just a young boy."                        
"But mamma, I can't get no joy                              
From little sis, Lizzie,                                    
She's always too busy                                       
A-playing with Daddy's big toy."                            
                                                            
33271 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                               



There was a young man of Soho,                              
Whose tastes were exceedingly low.                          
He said to his mother,                                      
"Let us suck one another,                                   
And swallow the seminal flow."                              
(Published 1882)                                            
33272 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Cremorne 1882       L0429



Peter was a young Irish lad,                                
Whose endowment was painfully sad.                          
But when it stood firm,                                     
His mother would squirm,                                    
'Cause then he thought he was his dad!                      
                                                            
33273 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER      Jim Weaver Collection    



A young maiden got married in Chester.                      
Her mother, she kissed her and blessed her.                 
And said,"You're in luck,                                   
He's a marvelous fuck.                                      
I know, for I've had him in Leicester."                     
(Published 1870)                                            
33274 INCEST - PARENTS - MOTHER                          L0018



There once was a lad named McTavish,                        
With a sister he wanted to ravish.                          
Her charms he did see,                                      
When she went in to pee.                                    
She said, "Once I wipe you can have this."                  
                                                            
33275 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Straydog                 



Your sister, I've kissed her, it's true                     
And dear, here's a kiss just for you                        
And after we kiss                                           
I'll eat you, like sis,                                     
I guess that your questing is through.                      
                                                            
33276 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



There was an incestuous Corsican                            
Whose only delight was to force kin.                        
He fucked his kid sister                                    
Till he raised such a blister,                              
That now he can't pull back his foreskin.                   
                                                            
33277 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                  G2682



A little old man from St. Chester                           
Decided to tackle his sister.                               
But all that he packed                                      
Was a wrinkled old sack,                                    
And all that she had was a blister.                         
                                                            
33278 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                  G0439



Said a hillbilly wench from Kaintuck,                       
"My old man's a poor jerk and Ahm stuck;                    
If I'd had my druthers                                      
Ah'd screw my two brothers;                                 
Tell you, them boys know how to fuck!"                      
                                                            
33279 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Armand E Singer       140



Consider the case of Charles the Insane,                    
Who had a large cock and a very small brain.                
While fucking his sister,                                   
He raised a large blister                                   
On the tip of his whip and her public terrain.              
                                                            
33280 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                  L1183



A tragic young wife, Mrs. Sondant,                          
Made complaint in an accent despondent.                     
The courtroom was sultry,                                   
The charge was adultry,                                     
Her brother was named co-respondent.                        
                                                            
33281 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



A redneck named Joe-Bob Whistler,                           
Who liked a cute girl so he kissed her.                     
They had sex in jest,                                       
Even though t'was incest,                                   
Because this cute girl was his sister.                      
                                                            
33282 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Steve Johnson            



And their children were freaks which is sad;                
Although the brats were real bad,                           
They were nasty to mom                                      
Who always stayed calm,                                     
And they both kicked around uncle-dad                       
                                                            
33283 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Steve Johnson            



And the children also fell in love;                         
Like mom and dad they saw the doves.                        
When brother and sister were grown                          
They had freaks of their own,                               
Because for rubbers they used latex gloves.                 
                                                            
33284 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Steve Johnson            



Now Burlington Bertie is fifty;                             
He's looking quite seedy and shifty;                        
Beneath his long mac,                                       
He gives Percy a whack;                                     
And at flashing he's certainly nifty.                       
                                                            
33285 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Peter Wilkins            



And Manchester Millie at thirty                             
Still thinks she's attractive and flirty;                   
She flashes her boobs                                       
And her buttocks and pubes,                                 
Which excites old Burlington Bertie.                        
                                                            
33286 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Peter Wilkins            



So daily they face one another                              
Alternately flashing one another.                           
Beneath the red lights                                      
Of the city at nights;                                      
A disfunctional sister and brother.                         
                                                            
33287 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Peter Wilkins            



Miss Hubbard is seemingly motherly,                         
But much of her lovin' is brotherly;                        
Incestuous vices                                            
She finds are the nicest,                                   
Though Spot is her secretive otherly.                       
                                                            
33288 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



While banging his sister one day,                           
The East Texan was heard to say,                            
"You know this is fun,                                      
But wish mom had a son."                                    
(As you know all east Texans are gay!)                      
                                                            
33289 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Jim Weaver Collection    



When our mother is safely asleep,                           
My sister insists that I creep                              
Into bed where we screw                                     
From eleven to two.                                         
It's domestic, familiar, and cheap.                         
                                                            
33290 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Gents Alphabet Book P9505



I once got in bed with my sister.                           
We fucked till I got a blister.                             
She screamed, "Give me more!"                               
I said, "I'm too sore --                                    
You'll have to find a new mister!"                          
                                                            
33291 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Hoagy                    



An incestuous lad name of Finnigan,                         
Promising never to sin again,                               
Failed to resist                                            
When his sister he kissed,                                  
And succumbed to her kith and his kin again.                
                                                            
33292 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Peter Wilkins            



He practices incest, does Sherm,                            
Which does make most decent folks squirm.                   
He shoves a huge clyster                                    
Clear up his own sister,                                    
To help flush out viable sperm.                             
                                                            
33293 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Armand E Singer       866



A nasty physician named Lister                              
Decided to hump his own sister;                             
He smiled, "The poor dear,                                  
I'll invade from her rear --                                
She'll think it is merely a clyster." (enema)               
                                                            
33294 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Armand E Singer       542



A boy on his sister did spy,                                
With a lustful gleam in his eye.                            
She glanced in the mirror                                   
Said, "Why not come nearer,                                 
Don't just spy, why not give it a try?"                     
                                                            
33295 INCEST - SIBLINGS              STRAYDOG                 



Though excited, her brother protested,                      
"If we're caught, we can both be arrested!"                 
But she yanked down his shorts,                             
Say judicial reports,                                       
And exclaimed, "I insist!" and incested.                    
                                                            
33296 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



A young lad with passions quite gingery,                    
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.                  
He pinched her behind,                                      
And made up his mind,                                       
To add incest to insult and injury.                         
                                                            
33297 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                  L0300



Said Jill to her brother young Jack,                        
"Just this morning I saw you lie back                       
On my bed with your hand                                    
Round your stiffening gland;                                
Telling mom, 'less you fill up my crack."                   
                                                            
33298 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Jack ran for his spackle and paint                          
(A giant-sized brain the guy ain't)                         
Looked for the chipped walls                                
In bedrooms and halls,                                      
That he could fill up and repaint.                          
                                                            
33299 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Jill waited for him like the saints.                        
Held her temper without complaints.                         
Grabs him by the balls                                      
And then Jack she hauls                                     
To bed and puts him in restraints.                          
                                                            
33300 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Poor Jack, what did he do but faint.                        
Jill her hands and eyes then acquaint                       
With Jack's quite odd smalls                                
Made to fit three balls;                                    
She fingers 'em and says "How quaint!"                      
                                                            
33301 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



In her neat little "chocolate box" cottage,                 
Old Daisy lived, round as a sausage.                        
But her whole life went wrong,                              
When two kids came along,                                   
Who looked as if they'd been to college.                    
                                                            
33302 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Through the window she saw their Land Rover,                
"We've come all the way up from Dover.                      
I'm Hansel, she's Gretel,                                   
Go put on the kettle,                                       
We're witnesses of Great Jehovah."                          
                                                            
33303 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



"If you're wondering about our strange names,               
It's not that our dad was insane,                           
But the dyslexic vicar                                      
Got a twist in his knicker                                  
And he couldn't spell Harry or Jane."                       
                                                            
33304 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



So now as the story proceeds,                               
I can change appellations if needs.                         
As through this I lurch,                                    
And frantically search,                                     
For rhymes for their dastardly deed.                        
                                                            
33305 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



It seems that I'm wandering off topic.                      
I'm sorry I'll... Ermintrude, stop it!                      
I can't do it again,                                        
For five minutes or ten,                                    
So get your hand out of my pocket.                          
                                                            
33306 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



She's been watching the bull with the cows,                 
And as usual she gets so aroused,                           
Then she comes in to me,                                    
(this is time number three,)                                
A-tearing off knickers and blouse.                          
                                                            
33307 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



This thing's getting now so disjointed;                     
It's time that my lips were anointed,                       
With that magic juice                                       
That apples produce                                         
When fermented. [get back to the point - ed.]               
                                                            
33308 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



You may think that all of this ramble,                      
Should come as a sort of preamble.                          
But cutting and pasting                                     
Are very time wasting;                                      
You'll have to put up with this shambles.                   
                                                            
33309 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



So, back to the plot...                                     
They preached of hell-fire and damnation,                   
Of the menace of money's accretion,                         
That the meek shall inherit,                                
That wealth had no merit,                                   
And demanded her bank information.                          
33310 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



But they said "You can still lift this curse.               
Give us all of the cash in your purse."                     
She said "I agree,                                          
But drink up your tea,                                      
I'm sure you have time for that first."                     
                                                            
33311 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



She added "Now drink up my dears,                           
A cup of hot tea always cheers.                             
And while you two sup,                                      
I'll quickly round up                                       
All the diamonds I got from deBeers."                       
                                                            
33312 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Now, this being for A.J.L.,            (alt.jokes.limericks)
I can hear you all starting to yell:                        
"Hey Ogg, what you doin',                                   
Where the hell is the screwin'?"                            
My children, just wait, time will tell.                     
                                                            
33313 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Old Daisy had powers thaumaturgical,                        
Far exceeding those fraudsters' liturgical.                 
And the herbs in the tea                                    
As you shortly will see,                                    
Awakened in them a strange urgical.                         
                                                            
33314 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



For that brew had a herb aphrodisiac,                       
So Hans threw his sister down on her back,                  
And pulled out his dong,                                    
(Like this story, too long,)                                
And proved that of jism, he'd no lack.                      
                                                            
33315 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



When they climaxed their cries shook the rafters;           
They collapsed there amid joyous laughter.                  
And it sure seems to me,                                    
That we're going to see,                                    
The conventional "Happy Ever After."                        
                                                            
33316 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



For proof go to South Carolina,                             
Daisy's theatre's near great Malo's diner.                  
And nightly, with flair,                                    
That incestuous pair                                        
Give a show, and you'll never see finer.                    
                                                            
33317 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Well, here I must leave this word battle,                   
Erm's come back again from the cattle.                      
I just can't ignore it,                                     
She's here, panting for it;                                 
Better give my old bone one more rattle.                    
                                                            
33318 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Old Clementine's lover, I'd say,                            
Was never at loss for a lay.                                
When she parted, he kissed her                              
Young blossoming sister,                                    
Who continued "the family way".                             
                                                            
33319 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0111



I sing of the lewd family Head:                             
Groused brother to sister, in bed,                          
As he pulled off her sweater,                               
"Our mom does it better,"                                   
"Exactly what paw claims," she said.                        
                                                            
33320 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Armand E Singer       443



You'd think that by now I would learn.                      
In my room with my sister, LaVerne;                         
But my door doesn't lock                                    
And my dad doesn't knock;                                   
He's a pest when he thinks it's his turn.                   
                                                            
33321 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Mark Levy           P9610



West Virginia is not my home state;                         
Be considerate before you berate.                           
Madams and Misters,                                         
We don't marry our sisters,                                 
Though sex with 'em sure can be great!                      
                                                            
33322 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Jeeves              T9801



In the gravel pit, young Miss Carruthers                    
Gets the rocks off for all of her brothers.                 
Since she's got eight or ten,                               
And all big husky men,                                      
There's no pussy left for us others.                        
                                                            
33323 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Grand Prix Lim  478 G0545



There was a young fellow named Pfister,                     
Who noticed an odd sort of blister,                         
Where no blister should be.                                 
What was worse--do you see?--                               
He had got it at home from his sister.                      
                                                            
33324 INCEST - SIBLINGS              John Ciardi              



A forward young fellow named Tah,                           
Had a habit of goosing his Ma.                              
"Go pester your sister,"                                    
She said when he kissed her,                                
"I've trouble enough with your Pa."                         
                                                            
33325 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                  L0778



The problem (if problem it is)                              
I played doctors and nurses with Liz;                       
And from 5 until 12                                         
She would constantly delve                                  
In my jocks; it was really the biz.                         
                                                            
33326 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Our games were a source of delight,                         
Until one balmy summertime night,                           
When she caused me to fizz                                  
And ejaculate jizz,                                         
And it gave her a terrible fright.                          
                                                            
33327 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



She said, "We must stop doing this                          
Now it's causing you ultimate bliss.                        
I'm too young for a bun                                     
In the oven, dear one,                                      
And besides I'm your natural sis."                          
                                                            
33328 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Though part of the hominid species,                         
Joe's one of those queer AC,/ DC's;                         
Unless on his sister                                        
Both use a clyster --                                       
He hates mixing pleasure with feces.                        
                                                            
33329 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Armand Singer            



A most aberrant physicist wed                               
His own sister, and took her to bed.                        
"This is research, you see,                                 
On relativity.                                              
Stop complaining and kiss me," he said.                     
                                                            
33330 INCEST - SIBLINGS              William N. Nesbit   P9707



There was a family named Doe,                               
An ideal family to know.                                    
As father screwed mother,                                   
She said, "It's better than brother."                       
He said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"                             
                                                            
33331 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                  L0287



Suzie dallied first one then another.                       
She confided the deeds to her brother.                      
When all's said and done,                                   
She gave birth to a son,                                    
And her brother'd made Suzie a mother.                      
                                                            
33332 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



A robust and virile young Mister                            
Developed a virulent blister.                               
Though he'd fooled around                                   
With most women in town,                                    
His blister he got from his sister.                         
                                                            
33333 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Pierce Evans             



When thirteen, my kid brother, Ronnie,                      
Decided to fuck sister Bonnie.                              
Though not menstruating                                     
Yet, no chance he's taking,                                 
So goes off and buys a li'l Johnny.                         
                                                            
33334 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



But Ronnie's the son of a parson,                           
And knows nowt of creatures with bras on.                   
He gets her undressed,                                      
Sets fire to her vest --                                    
Confused between incest and arson.                          
                                                            
33335 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



When I whimpered, my sister was grand;                      
Took me gently, but firmly, in hand.                        
With a hug and a squeeze                                    
Brought me off of my knees,                                 
And helped the best parts of me stand                       
                                                            
33336 INCEST - SIBLINGS              John Miller              



If ignorance really is bliss,                               
Let me get at that pretty young miss,                       
With her boobs and blonde hair                              
And her skirts up to there;                                 
Never mind she's my thick teenage sis.                      
                                                            
33337 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



There once was a couple of twins,                           
Who loved to frolic in fens.                                
They took off their pants,                                  
And did their little dance,                                 
One comes when the other one grins.                         
                                                            
33338 INCEST - SIBLINGS              Matt King                



His sister was his lusty twin,                              
Who lived just for boozing and sin.                         
He got quite a shock                                        
When she pulled out his cock,                               
And incested that he put it in!                             
                                                            
33339 INCEST - SIBLINGS                                       



Brother Billy, caught pulling his pud,                      
Was told my his mother, "Oh Bud!                            
What a way to raise blisters,                               
When you have such fine sisters,                            
And Bessie, just chewing her cud!"                          
                                                            
33340 INCEST - SIBLINGS              John Miller              



There once was a stern pedagogue                            
Who was really a shocking old rogue.                        
He adopted three pupils                                     
Without any scruples,                                       
When he heard that incest was in vogue.                     
                                                            
33341 INCEST - ZGENERAL              E I                      



A hillbilly from West Virginia                              
Said "Sweet Sis -- I'd like to be in ya',                   
But first I fuck ma,                                        
Then diddle our pa,                                         
And when the cat's done, I'll begin ya'!"                   
                                                            
33342 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Friar               T9801



A dirty young lad from Japan                                
Had a dick with a twenty-inch span.                         
Though he buggered his mother,                              
His sister and brother,                                     
He could not get it on with his gran.                       
                                                            
33343 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Peter Wilkins            



A lovely young girl name of Glad                            
Had never been had by a lad,                                
Apart from her dozens                                       
Of brothers and cousins                                     
And uncles and grandad and dad.                             
                                                            
33344 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Peter Wilkins            



Your cousin's your brother as well?                         
It sounds an odd story to tell.                             
When aunts come to call,                                    
Your dad has the gall                                       
To jism the lot with his gel?                               
                                                            
33345 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



I've always loved buggering brother,                        
And licking the cunt of my mother.                          
But the joy of my life                                      
Is to see my sweet wife                                     
Suck pricks off, one after another!                         
                                                            
33346 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Clement Wood        G0740



I've got a sister called Anne,                              
She's in bed with my cousin Dan.                            
I'm fucking my mother,                                      
While she sucks off my brother,                             
And he's tossing off my old man.                            
                                                            
33347 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Jake,                        
Undoubtedly good on the make.                               
He first had his cousin                                     
And then a whole dozen,                                     
And he never took time for a break.                         
                                                            
33348 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Albin Chaplin            



Those looking for weekend excursion,                        
That deals with familial perversion,                        
What, who, and who does in                                  
Regard to a cousin,                                         
Scoffs at Darwinian aversion.                               
                                                            
33349 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Chris Papa               



There's nothing like sex with some zest;                    
Those country girl cousins are best!                        
They've no inhibitions;                                     
No moral contritions.                                       
There's nothing like good old incest.                       
                                                            
33350 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Allen Wolverton          



In the bedroom of Mary Jo Rooved                            
Was discovered her lover, Jim Crude.                        
Her dad said, "That's not nice."                            
He had thrown Jim out twice.                                
They were first cousins, Jim thrice removed.                
                                                            
33351 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Loren Fitzhugh      P0007



A hillbilly pervert named Sturges                           
Had all these unnatural urges;                              
He buggered his cousins                                     
Indeed by the dozens,                                       
Plus maw, during seasonal splurges.                         
                                                            
33352 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Armand E Singer       514



Our union is one of the best,                               
For it works day and night without rest,                    
So that each member gets                                    
To drink and make bets,                                     
And each takes his turn at incest.                          
                                                            
33353 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Neal Wilgus         P8608



There was a young man from Liberia,                         
Who was forced to flee to the interior.                     
He'd buggered a brother,                                    
His father and mother;                                      
But considered his sisters inferior.                        
                                                            
33354 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                  L0484



There was a young girl named O'Hare                         
Who said she had no love to spare.                          
When her suitor asked why,                                  
He was left high and dry,                                   
And besides, 'twas a family affair.                         
                                                            
33355 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0741



Americans are a bunch of hicks,                             
Having sex with their cousins for kicks.                    
A family gathering                                          
Ends up in a lathering,                                     
Of tonsils, torsos, and tits.                               
                                                            
33356 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



The family reunion went at six;                             
All gathered for food, fun and "pics."                      
Bub turned to his dad,                                      
And said, "This ain't bad.                                  
It's a great place for me to meet chicks!"                  
                                                            
33357 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Uncle Jack               



Incest is a good way to bed.                                
Stops the genes from being widespread.                      
And if there's a weakness,                                  
Or any bad sickness,                                        
Most offspring will finish up dead!                         
                                                            
33358 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Archie                   



The garden I eat from is mine;                              
'Tis my corn I mash for my wine.                            
I ride my own horse,                                        
And sex is, of course,                                      
Reserved for my family line.                                
                                                            
33359 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



A French boy, whose name is Pierre,                         
Engaged in a family affair.                                 
He and big brother                                          
Were gang-banging Mother                                    
While Sis sucked off Dad in his chair.                      
                                                            
33360 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



What's wrong, sir, with loving your cousins?                
The girl ones I've had by the dozens,                       
'Thout getting a blister                                    
Like from my big sister,                                    
Or settin' off gossipers buzzin's.                          
                                                            
33361 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Anon                     



Try to avoid incest, if you can;                            
Don't do it with legal dad or dam,                          
Nor grandfather, nor mother;                                
Not sister, nor brother --                                  
Don't bugger-up God's Genetic Plan.                         
                                                            
33362 INCEST - ZGENERAL              W. H. Auden         P8705



Mr. Kent is so mad he could freeze                          
For last week his third wife, Louise,                       
Who loves extra sex,                                        
Screwed her young cousin, Rex...                            
He's a big pickle packer from Keyes.                        
                                                            
33363 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Grand Prix Lim  631      



Incredibly base is young Slay;                              
He bedded his granny in hay.                                
And the only thing that                                     
Stopped her birthing a brat;                                
She'd ceased having monthlies last May.                     
                                                            
33364 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Armand E Singer       423



"You haven't a clue what to do",                            
Grandma Mary said, laughing at Hugh                         
As he stood there aghast                                    
And embarrassed; his mast                                   
Dripping jizm all over his shoe.                            
                                                            
33365 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



"Quite frankly I think you're a berk;                       
Don't you know what to do with your dirk?                   
When I offer my hand                                        
And my cunt for your gland,                                 
Do you think that I mean you to jerk?"                      
                                                            
33366 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



"I fear you're quite useless young man;                     
Will you leave just as fast as you can;                     
But you might ask your mother                               
To send in your brother."                                   
"OK", whimpered Hugh to his gran.                           
                                                            
33367 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



A father of three boys named J. Dickenson                   
Found incest to be quite a lot of fun.                      
"Even though Jay                                            
May be quite gay,                                           
His name matches his avocation."                            
                                                            
33368 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Henry Mucha              



The Wantons live high on a hill.                            
And they've never heard of the pill.                        
So jigs on the mountain                                     
Brought kids beyond countin',                               
And probably they're doing it still.                        
                                                            
33369 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy                    



The kids who were born of these games,                      
Were all given two-barrelled names;                         
Jim-Bob, Sally-Jean,                                        
Billy-Sue, he's a queen,                                    
And so is his bro, Jesse-James.                             
                                                            
33370 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy                    



So sperm gushed out daily in torrents,                      
Which many may view with abhorrence.                        
But students of lit.                                        
Won't hear of such shit,                                    
It's no worse than David H. Lawrence.                       
                                                            
33371 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy                    



Life on the hill was tempestuous,                           
With all of those parties incestuous.                       
John sees Mary-Ellen,                                       
Whose belly is swellin';                                    
"Jim-Bob has been way to impetuous!"                        
                                                            
33372 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy                    



Now that is a list of their habits;                         
They say if it moves, you should jab it.                    
Now three generations                                       
In mixed copulations,                                       
You'll find they're as rampant as rabbits.                  
                                                            
33373 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy                    



Each week, George has an amorous date                       
With a working girl, his first cousin Kate.                 
Though her fee is quite steep,                              
George gets off rather cheap                                
With the discounted low family rate.                        
                                                            
33374 INCEST - ZGENERAL              William N Nesbit    P0007



In the South, the boys love to dance                        
With sisters, and cousins and aunts.                        
It don't really matter,                                     
The former's the latter;                                    
They all get in each other's pants.                         
                                                            
33375 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Gene Brady               



I'll tell you about skinny Maddie:                          
At eating she's terribly faddy.                             
Her stomach is hollow,                                      
For all she will swallow                                    
Is jism from brother and daddy.                             
                                                            
33376 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy Ogg                



It seems like a good way to go:                             
They often die beggin' fo' mo'.                             
And always, my frien',                                      
They part with a grin,                                      
For incest is best - now I know.                            
                                                            
33377 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



An old man from Tennessee State                             
Told researchers he could relate.                           
"Relations with all                                         
The gals I can ball --                                      
'Cause here we think incest is great."                      
                                                            
33378 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



They tell me, down in Alabama,                              
Most every young boy fucks his mama,                        
Or sister or cousin,                                        
Ten times or a dozen,                                       
Each night if they can't find a llama.                      
                                                            
33379 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young baker named Gary,                         
Who announced he was going to marry.                        
He would marry his cousin;                                  
Produce a baker's dozen;                                    
She said that he'd better not tarry.                        
                                                            
33380 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Arthur Pattaffy          



I married a girl from Montana,                              
But since she ignored my banana,                            
My mother-in-law                                            
(Though a nagging old whore)                                
Has been promising sexual nirvana.                          
                                                            
33381 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



Although she's an ugly old hag,                             
And her bosoms are starting to sag,                         
And she's seventy-eight,                                    
I'm afraid to relate                                        
That I'm tempted to give her a shag.                        
                                                            
33382 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



So desperate for sex was Diane,                             
In her nineties she'd chase any man;                        
But like rabbits they'd run,                                
Except Keith who liked fun                                  
With his hundred-and-one year old gran.                     
                                                            
33383 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



Though shriveled and practically dead,                      
The old crone and the boy are to wed.                       
So what's in it for Keith?                                  
Well, Diane has no teeth,                                   
And she gums him to heaven in bed.                          
                                                            
33384 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



I had a blond girlfriend so yummy,                          
I'd come with some force on her tummy.                      
And when I was through,                                     
She'd say, "Oh thank you!"                                  
I'm so glad she wasn't my mummy.                            
                                                            
33385 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Dudesdead                



Me Mum, she has mentioned your name.                        
She told me that you are insane.                            
Though big in the cock,                                     
You never would knock,                                      
But you sure liked to join in the game.                     
                                                            
33386 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Dudesdead                



Good sex is both pleasure and sin                           
That leads to a rummage within.                             
And after you mate                                          
There is much guilt and hate,                               
So best not attempt it with Kin.                            
                                                            
33387 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



I spring out of bed watching Jerry                          
And see Sherry who used to be Larry,                        
Who was born quite the man,                                 
But prefers to dress "glam",                                
And his first cousins who he will marry.                    
                                                            
33388 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Jerry Springer           



Larrys first cousin seems to be sad,                        
Because she liked Sherry best, as a lad.                    
"How can you be a lass,                                     
With that big hairy ass!",                                  
She yelled as she snuggled with dad.                        
                                                            
33389 INCEST - ZGENERAL              South of Eden            



Al Einstein said, "I have a theory:                         
Relativity won't be so dreary                               
If male relatives would                                     
Perform as they should                                      
With their auant, sister, niece, and mom, deary."           
                                                            
33390 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Travis                   



For his daughter named Kate, horny Hugh                     
Was searching to get him a screw.                           
But his son was on Kate,                                    
So old Hugh had to wait                                     
Twenty minutes before son was through.                      
                                                            
33391 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-2984



The cousin was screwing her brother,                        
The uncle was screwing their mother,                        
The fathers and aunts                                       
Had abandoned their pants,                                  
And were each giving head to each other.                    
                                                            
33392 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Cap'n Bean          P0007



There was a young lady named Fretter                        
Whose man was a wondrous go-getter.                         
Though she found that relations                             
With this man were sensations,                              
Her relations' relations were better.                       
                                                            
33393 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-2073



Though bishops and priests make their moan,                 
And laws in most parts don't condone                        
Such family frolics,                                        
That's all pure boloocks.                                   
There's nothing like rolling your own.                      
                                                            
33394 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Tiddy Ogg                



The garden I eat from is mine.                              
'Tis my grapes I mash for my wine.                          
I ride my own horse,                                        
And sex is, of course,                                      
Reserved for my family line.                                
                                                            
33395 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Travis Brasell           



A young lad, his sis and a chum,                            
Stayed over one night with his mum;                         
A bed they did share,                                       
Hands and cocks everywhere,                                 
And covered the girls with their cum.                       
                                                            
33396 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



"I see with some tart you have been."                       
"Of course not, dear wife, that's obscene!"                 
"So whose is this lipstick                                  
Smudge here on your dipstick?"                              
"Why, only our daughter's, Eileen."                         
                                                            
33397 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



Now just stop that practice, young mister.                  
Your todger is starting to blister.                         
It seems that your hand                                     
Is too coarse for your gland.                               
Upstairs now, and roger your sister.                        
                                                            
33398 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



"Aw, Mom, I've screwed Sister already,                      
And Granny, plus homely Aunt Betty;                         
Please, grant me this favor:                                
Mom, I'd like to savor                                      
A wank while you model your teddy."                         
                                                            
33399 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



That's no chicken dinner, you lout;                         
I know just what it is you're about.                        
But okay, have your fun,                                    
And when you're quite done,                                 
Ensure that your Ma spits it out.                           
                                                            
33400 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



It caused a sever altercation;                              
Her parents yelled stern objuration:                        
"It's acceptable, maybe,                                    
That you have a baby,                                       
But not by so close a relation."                            
                                                            
33401 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Jim Drew                 



There was a young man from St Loo.                          
Who gave his sister a screw.                                
He said with aplomb,                                        
You're better than Mom."                                    
She replied, "That's what Dad said so, too!"                
                                                            
33402 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



"My Gramps is a thumb-twiddling man;"                       
Said Jack, "since the death of my Gran.                     
His twiddling rubs blisters                                 
Inside of my sisters                                        
Tight cunt, while she's lickin' Aunt Fran."                 
                                                            
33403 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Travis Brasell           



A tippler and his errant wife                               
Fought in vicious connubial strife...                       
For he caught her in bed                                    
With her own Uncle Fred,                                    
Both enjoying the time of their life!                       
                                                            
33404 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Grand Prix Lim  316      



My Grandfather used to say                                  
In a most regretful way,                                    
"Cousins we should not marry;                               
The results could be scary,                                 
But the next hill is so far away."                          
                                                            
33405 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Jim Weaver Collection    



Our friends asked of Jennifer T;                            
How the date was that she'd had with me.                    
"He did as he oughter,                                      
Treated me like a daughter..."                              
"Hey! Incest!" I shouted with glee.                         
                                                            
33406 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



There was an old man of the East,                           
Who gave all his children a feast;                          
But they all drank so much,                                 
And their conduct was such --                               
Twelve counts of incest at least.                           
                                                            
33407 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Edwardian Leer 096  P9306



There once was a girl so bad,                               
She screwed every cock to be had;                           
Five cousins, three uncles,                                 
A kid with carbuncles,                                      
Not to mention her nightly with dad.                        
                                                            
33408 INCEST - ZGENERAL              MrMalo                   



Said Jim to his sweet sister Sue:                           
"Mom's much better fucking than you."                       
Said Sue, "What a bore!                                     
I have heard that before,                                   
From Daddy and Grandpappy too."                             
                                                            
33409 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                  G0776



An incestuous lady I knew                                   
Climbed the Rockies to witness the view.                    
They reminded her rather,                                   
She said, of her father,                                    
Her brothers and great-uncle too.                           
                                                            
33410 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Hugh Oliver           96b



"Oh do me!" said Brenda to Tim                              
As she fingered her quivering quim.                         
"Well OK then, my daughter",                                
Said Tim, "But you oughta                                   
Stop screwing around with young Jim."                       
                                                            
33411 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



There was a young fellow named Lister                       
Who said to his dad, "Call me Mister.                       
Though I'm just twenty-two,                                 
I am better than you,                                       
For I've just fucked my mother and sister."                 
                                                            
33412 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0935



Though father was somewhat perplexed                        
He did not appear to be vexed.                              
He said, "You can have mother                               
Since I've just fucked your brother,                        
Now prepare, for your asshole is next."                     
                                                            
33413 INCEST - ZGENERAL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0936



"Oh why, daddy, why? He's my brother;                       
We love and respect one another."                           
Said Brenda to Tim                                          
As he fucked her with vim,                                  
And said, "Jim Boy is screwing your mother."                
                                                            
33414 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



When's the last time that you had a lover?                  
And you can't count your dad or your brother;               
Or your childhood molester,                                 
Nor your dear Uncle Fester.                                 
Oops...didn't mean to blow your cover!                      
                                                            
33415 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



Two siblings, they lifted the latch                         
And spied Lizzie doing her snatch.                          
Peter said, "Wow!"                                          
Petal said, "Now!"                                          
They committed incest with dispatch!                        
                                                            
33416 INCEST - ZGENERAL                                       



A visiting priest name of Bligh                             
Gave succor to a fellow named Nye.                          
Began genuflecting,                                         
As Nye's dick was erecting,                                 
Thus Nye poked old Bligh in the eye!                        
                                                            
33417 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Mr. X                    



As lightly I run down the stairs                            
I trip over a couple of chairs.                             
"Who the fuck left them out!"                               
(Oh, I'm sorry to shout,                                    
But those chairs caught me quite unawares.)                 
                                                            
33418 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



Since I don't think my leg will need stitchin',             
I'll stop all this swearing and bitchin'.                   
For soon it will heal.                                      
Time for breakfast I feel;                                  
I'll just limp down the stairs to the kitchen.              
                                                            
33419 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



When the bough breaks on the tree,                          
The baby will fall, don't you see?                          
So please use your head,                                    
Put the kid in a bed.                                       
I give this advice all for free.                            
                                                            
33420 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Al Willis           P9512



Once as I sat in a chair,                                   
When, to my greatest despair,                               
There was a small crack;                                    
I am flat on my back,                                       
As I lie here in intensive care.                            
                                                            
33421 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Kristen Lindsey          



In my effort to change the flat tire,                       
I should have relied on a squire.                           
With one mighty grip,                                       
I pulled and then slipped.                                  
I now feel my finger on fire.                               
                                                            
33422 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Zekow              TP9804



There was a Westender named Sloan                           
Who was very much accident prone.                           
He tripped on his lace,                                     
Fell down flat on his face,                                 
Felt stupid with a broken jaw-bone.                         
                                                            
33423 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady of Ealing,                           
Who walked up and down on the ceiling;                      
She shouted: "Oh Heck!                                      
I've broken my neck,                                        
And it is a peculiar feeling."                              
                                                            
33424 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Anon                     



I have a sensational bruise;                                
It's really amazingly grues-                                
ome: I fell on my tail                                      
And now it is gail-                                         
y arrayed in yellows and blues.                             
                                                            
33425 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Lucy                     



Oh Lucy! I picture it so:                                   
'Twas me from the rear, don't you know?                     
My artistic dirk                                            
Left colorful work.                                         
You're now fit to hang in a show.                           
                                                            
33426 INJURY - ACCIDENT              H Welchel                



The burner was glowing all blue                             
On the stove of my friend, Mary Lou,                        
When she backed up her ass                                  
To the flame from the gas,                                  
And up to the ceiling she flew!                             
                                                            
33427 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Cap'n Bean          P9901



A one-handed sailor named Lee,                              
Asked his mate for a good place to pee.                     
Said the mate, "Find a nook,                                
But don't use your hook,                                    
For we need every man, you'll agree."                       
                                                            
33428 INJURY - ACCIDENT              S. A. Latham             



When logging I had a long climb                             
To the top of an old Scots Pine.                            
I was going to trim                                         
An outstanding limb,                                        
But instead I have just chopped off mine.                   
                                                            
33429 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Tony Burrell             



Young Thomas invited disaster                               
By running downstairs even faster.                          
He tripped and he fell                                      
With a shriek and a yell.                                   
Now he's totally covered in plaster.                        
                                                            
33430 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Funfax Limericks         



A woman whose habits were slack;                            
Of judgment, displayed quite a lack.                        
Once, not taking good care,                                 
Laid her pen on a chair,                                    
And suffered a Bic in her crack.                            
                                                            
33431 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Bob Giandomenico         



The crossing guard gave dirty looks,                        
While he yelled, "Good grief and gadzooks,"                 
As the speeding dumb schmuck                                
Struck the girl with his truck.                             
"You've scattered her pencils and books!"                   
                                                            
33432 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Jumping Jack             



A young Pole who was traveling in Spain                     
Was cut clean in two, by a train.                           
The ass-half did sue                                        
For a million or two,                                       
For that was the seat of his brain.                         
                                                            
33433 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Albin Chaplin   3024-0620



"I felt pain as I stepped on a tack,                        
In response I took one full step back.                      
Now that's dumb on a ladder...                              
Should have seen the paint spatter,                         
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack"                       
                                                            
33434 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Bob Birch           P0010



An optimist, living in Dachet,                              
Attempted to shave with a hatchet.                          
When his nose he did sever,                                 
He exclaimed, "Now I'll never                               
Have nasal catarrh; I can't catch it."                      
                                                            
33435 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



I once knew a man with a saw,                               
That flew up and sliced off his jaw.                        
Then it cut off his nose,                                   
And all ten of his toes,                                    
And the tits of his mother-in law.                          
                                                            
33436 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Bob Birch           P0107



A tottering lady named Jane                                 
Always walked with an elegant cane.                         
When asked, "Do you fear                                    
You will fall on your ear?"                                 
"Not my EAR," she replied with disdain.                     
                                                            
33437 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Gladys Kay Willauer P9302



Said young Rex in his hot-air balloon,                      
"I shall see all the stars very soon."                      
Rex was right, for he dropped,                              
And he saw when he stopped,                                 
Three million bright stars and a moon.                      
                                                            
33438 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



As the strongman, you marry, and dern ya,                   
It's the fat lady. This ought to learn ya."                 
Said Barnum. "With kisses                                   
You lift up the misses                                      
At the threshold and bust out a hernia.                     
                                                            
33439 INJURY - ACCIDENT              A. N. Wilkins       P8711



A man who fell down a mine                                  
Said, "Help! Someone drop me a line!"                       
Down came a letter                                          
Saying "Hope you feel better,                               
Dinner's as half-past nine."                                
                                                            
33440 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Spike Mulligan           



There once was a dandified swell                            
Who tumbled down into a well,                               
But a man heard him shout,                                  
And at once pulled him out,                                 
For his sentences savoured of 'Hell'.                       
                                                            
33441 INJURY - ACCIDENT              The Cantab 1898     P8810



The hay hand fell off of his stack                          
And struck with a horrible whack.                           
But his wife braved the fescue                              
To come to his rescue.                                      
And toted him home in a sack.                               
                                                            
33442 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A ten year old male we call Haskall,                        
Was a very adventurous rascal.                              
He climbed on our roof,                                     
Slipped and then -- Whoof!                                  
He fell off and lit on his classical!                       
                                                            
33443 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Roger Morris             



Uncle Harry went up to the roof                             
To give the antenna a whoof;                                
When he fell to the ground,                                 
And we lost all the sound,                                  
I viewed it with utter reproof.                             
                                                            
33444 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



There was an old man of Darjeeling                          
Who hung by his feet from the ceiling.                      
He fell on his head                                         
But felt nothing, he said,                                  
For he'd lost all sensation of feeling.                     
                                                            
33445 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



The leaves crunching under my feet                          
Produced a hypnotical beat.                                 
I was ambling along                                         
And singing a song.                                         
Then I slipped and fell down on my seat.                    
                                                            
33446 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Anon                     



A well-hung musician named Riggs                            
Was climbing a fig tree for figs.                           
But all was not well;                                       
On his organ he fell                                        
And he sounded like E. Power Biggs.                         
                                                            
33447 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Albin Chaplin   3024-2262



To the station I rushed for a train;                        
I was late and under great strain.                          
On the stairs I did trip                                    
And went ass over tip,                                      
Landing up at the foot in great pain.                       
                                                            
33448 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Tiddy Ogg                



"Did you miss a step there, my son?"                        
Asked a lady concerned;  I said "None,                      
From summit to floor,                                       
I count forty four;                                         
I must have hit every damn one."                            
                                                            
33449 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Tiddy Ogg                



I'm no longer sure of my gender,                            
Since the night I went out on a bender.                     
I wrecked up the car                                        
When I left from the bar;                                   
From my groin they removed that darn fender.                
                                                            
33450 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



There once was a man called Nick,                           
Who had an enormous prick                                   
In his finger one day,                                      
But it soon went away,                                      
For his skin was a thick as a brick.                        
                                                            
33451 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Zebedee                  



While looking for someone to love,                          
Cupid gave him a shove                                      
In front of a truck.                                        
He got banged up, poor fuck!                                
What could he have been thinking of.                        
                                                            
33452 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Writerman                



If you have an accident, prone,                             
Just lie on the roadway and moan.                           
Do not move your neck                                       
And later expect                                            
A whiplash lawyer to phone.                                 
                                                            
33453 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Irving Superior     P9404



An aquarium keeper named Frank                              
While pissing fell into a tank.                             
Cried a girl who was viewing:                               
"Gad what is he doing?                                      
He let go a pink fish as he sank!"                          
                                                            
33454 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                  G2014



So accident prone was young Sy,                             
That he poked a long stick in his eye.                      
Then he tripped on the hose,                                
Ran a nail up his nose,                                     
And swallowed a dirty horse fly                             
                                                            
33455 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Bob Birch           P0302



Phrenologist Snerd once was heard                           
Uttering a scatological word.                               
He fell out of bed;                                         
Now the bumps on his head                                   
Frame his brain into that of a nerd.                        
                                                            
33456 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Paul Niquette            



There was a young poet named Hallett                        
Whose poems did tickle the palate.                          
His desire to create                                        
Did commence from the date                                  
He was struck on the head with a mallet.                    
                                                            
33457 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Albin Chaplin            



An impatient young gardener named Vetter                    
Sought a fast way to make his plants wetter.                
But a spring for the spring                                 
Put his arm in a sling;                                     
Perhaps a hose would have been better.                      
                                                            
33458 INJURY - ACCIDENT              M Houts                  



Carl had a treacherous slip;                                
He skidded and busted one hip.                              
Doc said with a grin,                                       
"We can put a pin in                                        
And soon you can do a backflip."                            
                                                            
33459 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Edwin J Weinstein        



Side rails were raised on Carl's bed,                       
For it's safer post-op, it is said.                         
But when they were raised,                                  
The doc was amazed,                                         
When Carl flipped onto his head.                            
                                                            
33460 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Edwin J Weinstein        



So let me a little digress,                                 
For Carl, I confess, is a mess.                             
He's now chained to his bed                                 
To mend his sore head,                                      
And will be there a while, I would guess.                   
                                                            
33461 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a young lady from Gloucester                      
Whose parents thought they had lost her.                    
From the fridge came a sound                                
And at last she was found;                                  
The trouble was how to defrost her.                         
                                                            
33462 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Asher                    



There was a young girl called Elize,                        
Who frequently wanted to sneeze.                            
One day in the street                                       
She sneezed herself off her feet;                           
In the fall she then fractured both knees.                  
                                                            
33463 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Arthur Pattaffy          



A freak accident while he was drunk;                        
He stumbled over a trunk.                                   
While his head hit the ground,                              
There was this frightening sound,                           
Reverberating somewhat like KLUNK....klunk.                 
                                                            
33464 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Jim Weaver Collection    



One spring, sitting in a chair,                             
And to my greatest despair,                                 
With one little crack                                       
I was flat on my back,                                      
And lying in Intensive Care.                                
                                                            
33465 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Kristen Lindsey          



To arrive at the party, Miss Kate                           
Was rushing because she was late.                           
As she sped through the door,                               
She slipped on the floor,                                   
And that is how Kate met her fete.                          
                                                            
33466 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Al Chaplin               



Children with burns are so sad!                             
Sometimes you even get mad!                                 
You ask the Lord, "Why?"                                    
As you watch them cry,                                      
But answers are just never had.                             
                                                            
33467 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Maggie                   



I lifted a heavy contraption                                
And now my poor back in in traction.                        
I get myself off                                            
When I sneeze or I cough,                                   
But I still can't get no satisfaction.                      
                                                            
33468 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Aussie Owl               



As one of those weightlifting chaps,                        
I suffer the strangest mishaps                              
The twang I once felt                                       
When lifting sans belt,                                     
Was gonads replacing kneecaps.                              
                                                            
33469 INJURY - ACCIDENT              SFA                      



An unclothed young freshman named Claude                    
Was running a turn 'round the quad,                         
When an angel on high                                       
Sent a bolt from the sky                                    
And dismantled his lightening rod.                          
                                                            
33470 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Don Tidwell              



In the way only bold streakers can,                         
He attacted a crowd as he ran.                              
While spectators did gawk,                                  
That electrical shock                                       
Rendered Claude just a flash in the pan.                    
                                                            
33471 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Mary Sullivan            



Now proceeding according to plan,                           
Lets flesh out this tale, if we can.                        
Both his kit and kaboodles                                  
Are limp-ass wet noodles,                                   
But man, he does have a nice tan.                           
                                                            
33472 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Pete Patterson           



Deprived of his prime motivation                            
And caught in this odd situation,                           
With his kit and his gear                                   
Being nothing to fear,                                      
He looked for a warm comfort station.                       
                                                            
33473 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Don Tidwell              



So he pressed on 'til nigh unto dark,                       
When he found a remote roadside park.                       
Now the story's still told                                  
How, bedraggled and cold,                                   
The invincible Claude left his mark.                        
                                                            
33474 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Mary Sullivan            



He's been chased and was frazzled and slow,                 
When he fell on a bench, sinking low.                       
Then this intrepid runner,                                  
With aim like a gunner,                                     
Engraved his full name in the snow!                         
                                                            
33475 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Don Tidwell              



One onlooker observed, "My, what style,                     
Wearing naught but a vertical smile.                        
When he's done with the race,                               
We'll forget the lad's face,                                
But not lightly dismiss his profile.                        
                                                            
33476 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Mary Sullivan            



Now that Claude's got a good second wind,                   
The crowd lingers to cheer him on in.                       
They expectantly await                                      
Him, to witness his fate,                                   
As he huffs and he puffs 'round the bend.                   
                                                            
33477 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Mary Sullivan            



But he'll finish the mission with ease,                     
As, in a flurry of elbows and knees,                        
He gazellefully flits                                       
With his pieces and bits                                    
Being bandied about in the breeze.                          
                                                            
33478 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Mary Sullivan            



To cross streets in London's a fright.                      
The end of your life is in sight.                           
Your ass will be plastered                                  
By some limey bastard                                       
Because you looked left and not right.                      
                                                            
33479 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Theo M. Heller      P9503



There was an old fellow of Spain,                           
Whose leg was cut off by a train.                           
When his friends said, "How sad!"                           
He replied, "I am glad,                                     
For I've now lost my varicose veins."                       
                                                            
33480 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young rider named Keith;                        
In an mishap, he lost all his teeth.                        
His friends said he was plucky,                             
He said he was lucky,                                       
At least he did not need a wreath.                          
                                                            
33481 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young cowboy named Greer,                       
Kicked twice in the head by a steer.                        
His sense of direction                                      
Has lost all connection,                                    
Now he can't get from there back to here.                   
(no accident, they did it a-purpose - Booger Red)           
33482 INJURY - ACCIDENT              W. Haskins               



There was a young fellow of Spain                           
Whose leg was cut off by a train.                           
When his friends said, "How sad!"                           
He replied, "I am glad                                      
For I have now lost my varicose vein."                      
                                                            
33483 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Myler MacGrath           



In the hot tub with dear Susi Que,                          
After beer and some pork barbecue,                          
I was knocked on the head,                                  
And would have been dead,                                   
But she called the emergency crew.                          
                                                            
33484 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Bob Birch           P9809



A sleepy old fellow named Lucky,                            
While filling a tub in Kentucky,                            
Dozed off as the water                                      
Grew hotter and hotter,                                     
And melted his poor rubber duckie.                          
                                                            
33485 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Cyber Geezer             



A little old man, name of Daryl,                            
Went over the falls in a barrel,                            
Lived through it somehow,                                   
Except that he's now                                        
A little old lady named Carol.                              
                                                            
33486 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



The number one accident prone --                            
He lives with a black cat alone;                            
'Neath ladders he'll go,                                    
Goes faster than slow,                                      
Has no 911 on his phone.                                    
                                                            
33487 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Irving Superior     P9404



There was a young gal from Montana                          
Who did not see the banana.                                 
She skidded ten feet                                        
And the sidewalk did meet,                                  
And now she can't play the piano.                           
                                                            
33488 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Reminisce           P9310



We once knew a girl named Dolores,                          
Who most of the time she just bored us.                     
But she slipped on a pear,                                  
Did a split like Astaire,                                   
And now all she does is ignore us.                          
                                                            
33489 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man with a fine set of balls                        
Was scratching them in a barn stall.                        
The animals there                                           
All stopped and they'd stare                                
At the pitchfork, that on he did fall.                      
                                                            
33490 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Jim Weaver Collection    



While traveling in farthest Tibet,                          
Lord Irongate found cause to regret                         
The buttered-up tea,                                        
A pain in his knee,                                         
And the frivolous tourists he met.                          
                                                            
33491 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Edward Gorey             



A curious man named Gore                                    
Caught part of his head in a door.                          
When he came back next week,                                
With his wife, who was Greek,                               
He found it, still there on the floor.                      
                                                            
33492 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Michael Palin            



Resulting condition, SEQUELA,                               
May come to overeager fellah                                
Who, quick to his knees.                                    
Does now take his ease,                                     
While healing a broken patella.                             
                                                            
33493 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Daniel Ford              



The cowboy shook out a big loop                             
And snared the mean bull with a whoop.                      
He took in the slack                                        
And snap went his back...                                   
He's known around town as "Ol' Stoop".                      
                                                            
33494 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



While walking the path 'round Lake Anna,                    
I slipped on a rotten banana.                               
I got quite a bruise                                        
And ruined my muse,                                         
So there won't be no more 'till manana.                     
                                                            
33495 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Jim Weaver Collection    



Never again shall I hunt                                    
While I'm walking in the front.                             
A drunk man behind me,                                      
Rather trigger happy,                                       
Shot me in the arse to be blunt.                            
                                                            
33496 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



An unfortunate dumb mute from Kew,                          
Was trying out signs that were new.                         
He did them so fast                                         
That his fingers at last                                    
Got tangled and fractured a few.                            
                                                            
33497 INJURY - ACCIDENT              L. Untermeyer            



There was a young lady named Hannah                         
Who slipped on the peel of banana.                          
She wanted to swear                                         
But her mother was there,                                   
So she whistled the Star Spangled Banner.                   
                                                            
33498 INJURY - ACCIDENT              VOL 3                    



A housewife called out with a frown,                        
When surprised by some callers from town,                   
"In a minute or less,                                       
I'll slip on a dress"--                                     
But she slipped on the stairs and came down.                
                                                            
33499 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



My God! How could something so skinny,                      
Hurt so much while it's going in me?                        
And then make me shout                                      
Again on the way out?                                       
I'm talking 'bout splinters you ninny!                      
                                                            
33500 INJURY - ACCIDENT                                       



This Joe was so accident prone,                             
Already five airbags have blown.                            
At the junk yard, "Hi, Joe.                                 
This time a free tow."                                      
State Farm will not answer its phone.                       
                                                            
33501 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Irving Superior     P9404



While pondering equations reducible,                        
A chemist knocked over a crucible.                          
This caused quite a flap                                    
For it spilled in his lap,                                  
And rendered him irreproducible.                            
                                                            
33502 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Edward P Hughes          



There was an old man of Manteca,                            
Whose wife was sucked up the Eureka.                        
He said, "There's some doubt                                
If she'll ever come out,                                    
But I trust if she does, she'll be meeker."                 
                                                            
33503 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Arthur Deex              



There was an old man of Vancouver                           
Whose wife got sucked into the Hoover.                      
He said, "There's some doubt                                
If she's more in than out,                                  
But whichever it is, I can't move her."                     
                                                            
33504 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Cyril Fletcher           



I explained to my favorite pimp                             
That I am by no means a wimp;                               
It was just a sore knee                                     
Caused my brief chastity,                                   
For "to limp" ain't the same as "too limp."                 
                                                            
33505 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Norm Storer         P9806



An eccentric old woman of Rye                               
Jumped off her roof hoping to fly.                          
But her plan was unsound,                                   
And she smashed to the ground,                              
With broken bones and a black eye.                          
                                                            
33506 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Warrick Elrod            



A Scotsman whose toes had turned purple                     
Said, "Where ever I go, there's a twerp'll                  
Step right on my feet                                       
When we happen to meet,                                     
So I'm stuck with a horrible hirple."  (limp)               
                                                            
33507 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Hugh Clary               



An unwitting old fellow named Bean                          
Tumbled into his washing machine;                           
Amidst the detergent,                                       
He spun quite resurgent,                                    
Emerging decidedly clean.                                   
                                                            
33508 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Cap'n Bean               



There was a young fellow called Kamp,                       
Who'd sunbathe in his loo with a lamp.                      
But a flash in the pan                                      
Gave him more than a tan--                                  
The result of the wires getting damp.                       
                                                            
33509 INJURY - ACCIDENT              Michael Palin            



Amish are not kown for looting                              
Nor voices raised up in harsh hooting,                      
But when Elder Luke Knopp                                   
Hear clop, clop, BANG! clop,                                
He said, "Oh Lord, one more drive-by shooting."             
                                                            
33510 INJURY - ASSAULT               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



The date of a student from Clark                            
Would munch on her ear in the dark.                         
His teeth causing pain                                      
Led her to complain                                         
That his bite was much worse than his bark.                 
                                                            
33511 INJURY - ASSAULT               Pedro J. Saavedra   P8208



In life, you should certainly try                           
To laugh a bit more than you cry.                           
But I will recant,                                          
And I know that you can't,                                  
If a bully should blacken your eye.                         
                                                            
33512 INJURY - ASSAULT               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Pitts                        
Whose big-breasted girl gave him fits.                      
When one time he got naughty,                               
She applied her karate,                                     
And she busted his jaw with her tits.                       
                                                            
33513 INJURY - ASSAULT               Albin Chaplin   3024-0581



An old man with a bushy grey beard,                         
Stood his ground when a teen gang appeared.                a
Savage threats turned to pleading                           
As they lay bruised and bleeding,                           
And the neighbors all smiled as they cheered.               
                                                            
33514 INJURY - ASSAULT               Jim Weaver Collection    



I once had a neighbour called Victor,                       
Who assaulted his wife; in fact, kicked her.                
When arrested he cried,                                     
That he wished she had died.                                
Took out a gun, shot at, but nicked her!                    
                                                            
33515 INJURY - ASSAULT               Arthur Pattaffy          



A clumsy young curate from Bristol                          
Shot the vicar's pet dog with a pistol.                     
"It's never too late,"                                      
Said the irate prelate,                                     
"Just SPAM up the hole with a fistful."                     
                                                            
33516 INJURY - ASSAULT               Mike O'Conner            



I hope that you're not hurting women;                       
If you were, I'd be doing some trimmin'                     
Of parts you don't need,                                    
(Like those with which you peed)                            
And with the old sharks you'd be swimmin'.                  
                                                            
33517 INJURY - ASSAULT               Kaylin                   



A seedy old gardener named Bertie                           
Pinched a young girl who got shirty.                        
She picked up the shears                                    
And cut off his ears,                                       
Which needless to say, were quite dirty.                    
                                                            
33518 INJURY - ASSAULT               Funfax Limericks         



There was a young woman whose stammer                       
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;                      
But they were not improved                                  
When her husband was moved                                  
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.                       
                                                            
33519 INJURY - ASSAULT               Edward Gorey             



With a bibulous Byronic leer,                               
He flung her downstairs on her ear,                         
And kept her confined                                       
Till she went semi-blind,                                   
And her brain, it would seem, slipped a gear.               
                                                            
33520 INJURY - ASSAULT               Beelzebub                



There once was a jovial young sport,                        
Who would always cry, "Pass out the Port!"                  
One day he got sloshed;                                     
His wife was found coshed;                                  
He woke up in Bosher Street Court.                          
                                                            
33521 INJURY - ASSAULT               Anon                     



Screamed a muscular housewife named Beth,                   
As she choked her poor husband to death:                    
"I've never found lipstick                                  
Adorning your dipstick,                                     
But that's sure FDS on your breath!"                        
(FDS - feminine deoderant spray)                            
33522 INJURY - ASSAULT                                        



Willie, the son of a brewer,                                
Saw a girl and he thought that he'd screw her;              
He lifted his cock,                                         
She gave him a sock,                                        
And he lit with his ear in the sewer.                       
                                                            
33523 INJURY - ASSAULT               Ed Potts            P8710



All children recall grandma Keats,                          
Not for kisses or bringing them sweets,                     
But for nights of distress                                  
When she made them undress                                  
And went after them with her "Fleet's!"                     
(what is a Fleet's? - McW)                                  
33524 INJURY - ASSAULT               Vassar W. Smith     P9309



While driving, a fellow named Bonctor                       
Observed a young lady and honked her.                       
But she failed to respond                                   
To this gay vagabond,                                       
So he came and he saw and he conked her.                    
                                                            
33525 INJURY - ASSAULT               Albin Chaplin   3024-2456



He awoke with a hangover feral,                             
And was groaning with care when his deral                   
Lady came in                                                
With a hideous grin,                                        
And belted him one in the eral.                             
                                                            
33526 INJURY - ASSAULT               Martin Guy               



A man by the name of Geneen                                 
Was asked by his wife where he'd been.                      
He hemmed and he hawwed,                                    
So she hit him, quite hard                                  
On the head, with a large soup tureen.                      
                                                            
33527 INJURY - ASSAULT               Michael Palin            



You accuse me of serious libel,                             
Yet your 'hood is quite close, being tribal.                
Just surrealistic                                           
Are your lims Chauvanistic...                               
I'll swear to my own on a Bible.                            
                                                            
33528 INJURY - ASSAULT               TuttaGioia               



And that catamite whiner named Pete,                        
Who's yet to be weaned from the teat,                       
Went crying to daddy,                                       
An IQ-less Paddy,                                           
Now jailed on a rap he can't beat.                          
                                                            
33529 INJURY - ASSAULT               TuttaGioia               



Tell Granny to look o'er her shoulder;                      
The D.A. has gotten much bolder.                            
There'll soon be a trial,                                   
Then Hubby will smile,                                      
When they toss her in jail, there to moulder.               
                                                            
33530 INJURY - ASSAULT               TuttaGioia               



Your 'hood's, as I said, atavistic                          
And the people therein, hedonistic.                         
"Packing a blade?                                           
Gays getting laid?                                          
Harvest Home! Oh Please! Get realistic!"                    
                                                            
33531 INJURY - ASSAULT               TuttaGioia               



Don't get realistic, I say.                                 
Just take flights of fancy all day.                         
When I write limericks,                                     
I do it for kicks,                                          
Besides, realism's passe.                                   
                                                            
33532 INJURY - ASSAULT               Marlene                  



I think that you have a fixation                            
On wickedness in all creation.                              
You look at what's real                                     
And know why we feel:                                       
We don't want "Californication."                            
                                                            
33533 INJURY - ASSAULT               Marlene                  



"Get out, you bastard!" she said,                           
While flinging china at my head.                            
Eyes wild with hate,                                        
She missed my pate,                                         
And hit my crotch instead.                                  
                                                            
33534 INJURY - ASSAULT               Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh Daddy!  I can't walk around,                             
For in circles I go round and round."                       
And my Daddy said, "Lad,                                    
Just be fucking well glad,                                  
I've not nailed both feet to the ground.                    
                                                            
33535 INJURY - ASSAULT               Peter Wilkins            



One thing you forgot to do                                  
Was nail a hand to ground, too.                             
Then without stopping                                       
The flipping and flopping,                                  
We'll laugh while his face turns blue.                      
                                                            
33536 INJURY - ASSAULT               Arden                    



A drinker who went on a bender                              
Drank so much he lost track of his gender.                  
His girl was so pissed                                      
At the screwing she'd missed,                               
She disposed of his nose in the blender                     
                                                            
33537 INJURY - ASSAULT               Neal Wilgus         P8302



A feeble young moron was Carter                             
And his brains were dashed out by a Tartar.                 
With incredible pains                                       
They assembled his brains;                                  
He recovered to be a lot smarter.                           
                                                            
33538 INJURY - ASSAULT               Albin Chaplin   3024-2490



The limerick that ruined my life                            
Is the one I wrote on my wife.                              
I etched it in acid                                         
Not far from Lace Placid.                                   
She soon got revenge with a knife.                          
                                                            
33539 INJURY - ASSAULT               Neal Wilgus         P8301



While the plumber was cleaning my drains,                   
He showed off his undies by Hanes.                          
I went to caress him                                        
And then to undress him,                                    
But got a black eye for my pains.                           
                                                            
33540 INJURY - ASSAULT               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a boy named Jack                             
Who sat himself down on a tack.                             
He quickly did rise                                         
With tears in his eyes,                                     
And went running home to his shack!                         
                                                            
33541 INJURY - ASSAULT               Mehitable          TP9804



Said a girl who upon her divan                              
Was attacked by a virile young man:                         
"Such excess of passion                                     
Is quite out of fashion",                                   
And she fractured his arm with her fan.                     
                                                            
33542 INJURY - ASSAULT               Edward Gorey             



There once was a woman from Surrey,                         
Tried to kill her man with some curry.                      
The rat poison dice                                         
Cooked in with the rice,                                    
Slurred his speech and made his sight blurry.               
                                                            
33543 INJURY - ASSAULT               Annie Jay                



Jack the Ripper's grandmother they view                     
As having been unbalanced too.                              
For in restrooms she'd lurk                                 
To stab folks with a dirk--                                 
An old woman who shivved in a loo.                          
                                                            
33544 INJURY - ASSAULT               Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A funny old geezer from Ellet                               
Used to shoot at the chicks with a pellet.                  
If he happened to hit a bum or a tit,                       
They'd squeal a bit and throw quite a fit.                  
But they liked it, or so he would tell it.                  
                                                            
33545 INJURY - ASSAULT               Jim Weaver Collection    



When whatnots are hacked off and tacked up,                 
It's best if the hackee was packed up,                      
So he could be leaving,                                     
Instead of just grieving,                                   
And thinking he should of just backed up.                   
                                                            
33546 INJURY - ASSAULT                                        



Sir Charles, a pompous old Briton,                          
Worked quietly in Lytton.                                   
When one day he did strike,                                 
A big ugly dyke,                                            
Since then he has been quite smitten.                       
                                                            
33547 INJURY - ASSAULT                                        



There was a young fellow named Kipps,                       
Who was known for his insolent quips.                       
But a boxer one day                                         
Let the guy have his say,                                   
Then gave him a pair of split lips.                         
                                                            
33548 INJURY - ASSAULT               Warrick Elrod            



When I said that she had a great face,                      
And I managed a torrid embrace,                             
She said, "We've never met!"                                
And she got quite upset,                                    
And that's when she sprayed me with Mace!                   
                                                            
33549 INJURY - ASSAULT               Jim Weaver Collection    



When they asked a young fellow named Case                   
Why he had such a large lump on his face,                   
He replied, "Just my luck                                   
While at Nice to be struck                                  
By the beauty," he said, "of the place."                    
                                                            
33550 INJURY - ASSAULT               A. N. Wilkins       P8405



My faux pas to you I'll now confide.                        
Their bright neon sign lured me inside.                     
I wished merely to camp                                     
'Neath their sun tanning lamp,                              
But they seized me and then tanned my hide.                 
                                                            
33551 INJURY - ASSAULT               Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



There was a young broker called Scott;                      
One day, at his work, he was shot.                          
His assailant confessed                                     
At the time of arrest,                                      
It was part of a terrorist plot.                            
                                                            
33552 INJURY - ASSAULT               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady named Dale;                          
In appearance she's terribly frail.                         
An impression deceptive;                                    
It is imperceptive.                                         
For assault she has spent time in jail.                     
                                                            
33553 INJURY - ASSAULT               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was young lady named White,                           
Found herself in a terrible plight.                         
A mucker named Tucker,                                      
Had struck her, the fucker,                                 
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!                         
                                                            
33554 INJURY - ASSAULT                                   L1232



A loan-shark enforcer, Delray,                              
Had ways to make his clients pay.                           
With words that we know                                     
As McDonald's Motto:                                        
You deserve a break today.                                  
                                                            
33555 INJURY - ASSAULT               Thomas Patton       P9601



Be livre est dedie a Chagrin,                               
Qui fit un petit mannequin:                                 
Sans bras it tout noir,                                     
Il etait affreux voir;                                      
En effet, absolument la fin.                                
                                                            
33556 INJURY - PSYCHO                Edward Gorey             



This book is dedicated to Chagrin,                          
Who fashioned a small doll;                                 
Without arms and all black                                  
It was a horrible sight;                                    
In effect, the absolute end.                                
                                                            
33557 INJURY - PSYCHO                Edward Gorey        P8708



Pity the bag-lady from Uttoxeter,                           
Where winos wave their vile cocks at her.                   
Life has undone her,                                        
The town-folk all shun her,                                 
And street urchins boldly throw rocks at her.               
                                                            
33558 INJURY - PSYCHO                John K. Roberts     P9212



Of course you don't French Kiss a chicken.                  
Hot Sauce? You don't stick your dick in.                    
If you sit long enough                                      
Contemplating such stuff,                                   
Your brain will rapidly sicken.                             
                                                            
33559 INJURY - PSYCHO                John Chastaine           



A curious fellow called Lamb                                
Used to shout things at old tins of Spam                    
Like, "You silly old tin!"                                 "
And "Where have you been?"                                  
Then he move on and rubbished the jam.                      
                                                            
33560 INJURY - PSYCHO                Michael Palin            



I was rational once -- a bit lazy;                          
Now my mind is all muddled and hazy,                        
For last month I kissed                                     
My Psychiatrist,                                            
And now he is driving me crazy.                             
                                                            
33561 INJURY - PSYCHO                Laurence Perrine    P8503



A sceptic alone in her bed                                  
Was haunted by half of a head.                              
But her reason gave way                                     
When she found out next day                                 
That its owner was not very dead!                           
                                                            
33562 INJURY - PSYCHO                Beelzebub                



She stood on the bridge at midnight;                        
Her legs were all a-quiver.                                 
She gave a cough,                                           
Her legs fell off,                                          
And floated down the river.                                 
                                                            
33563 INJURY - PSYCHO                Jim Weaver Collection    



Born under the sign of Aquarius                             
Is Ian, his personalities various.                          
I hold them all dear,                                       
But confess, it's quite clear                               
The ones I like best are nefarious.                         
                                                            
33564 INJURY - PSYCHO                Cheryl                   



While in Mensa, I broke my mainspring,                      
And I cannot remember a thing.                              
It was all quite a blow,                                    
And I want you to know,                                     
A mind is a terrible thing.                                 
                                                            
33565 INJURY - PSYCHO                Al Willis                



There was a young fellow named Shear,                       
Who stuck a ballpoint in his ear.                           
When he punctured the drum,                                 
He said, "That hurts some,                                  
But the rest of the way through, is clear."                 
                                                            
33566 INJURY - PSYCHO                John Ciardi              



An unpopular youth of Cologne,                              
With a pain in his stomach did moan.                        
He heaved a great sigh,                                     
And said, "I would die,                                     
But the loss would be only my own."                         
                                                            
33567 INJURY - PSYCHO                Anon                     



A curious old person of Hythe,                              
Amputated his nose with a scythe,                           
That he might ascertain                                     
If he'd writhe with the pain,                               
Then yelled, "I undoubtedly writhe!"                        
                                                            
33568 INJURY - PSYCHO                Langford Reed            



There was a young man called Owen,                          
Who had to keep goin' and goin'.                            
Psychiatrists said                                          
Being dropped on his head                                   
Had caused all the toin' and froin'.                        
                                                            
33569 INJURY - PSYCHO                Michael Palin            



An Aussie wench diddled in Sydney                           
Insists my poke loosened her kidney.                        
But the duckie's all wrong,                                 
My boom ain't that long...                                  
A another guy did the deed, didn't he?                      
                                                            
33570 INJURY - SCREWING              Grand Prix Lim  343 P8504



"When the bannister broke, it was sad,                      
For our fractures were all pretty bad,                      
But despite all that mess,                                  
It was, I confess,                                          
The best orgasm I've ever had."                             
                                                            
33571 INJURY - SCREWING              A. N. Wilkins       P8507



This evening I said to her, "Skip all                       
The foreplay and give me your nipple.                       
Now open your thigns.                                       
We'll try some advice."                                     
But I buggered me back; I'm a cripple!                      
                                                            
33572 INJURY - SCREWING              Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady named Miller,                        
Not a man in the navy could fill 'er.                       
She was tied to the stern,                                  
When the wheel took a turn,                                 
And was near fucked to death by the tiller.                 
                                                            
33573 INJURY - SCREWING                                  G0698



"I'm crippled," said Jane from her chair,                   
"From an ill-conceived bout on the stair;                   
Though in mid-air I came,                                   
The fall left me lame;                                      
My husband's the man from St. Claire."                      
                                                            
33574 INJURY - SCREWING              Ed Potts            P8507



There once was a amorous WAC                                
Who wanted a prick in her crack.                            
She met up with a jerk                                      
Who made her do the work--                                  
The result was a crick in her back.                         
                                                            
33575 INJURY - SCREWING                                  G0219



"Your bumps," said phrenologist Jane,                       
"Are easy enough to explain.                                
Your bed is too short in,                                   
(I suspect), to cavort in.                                  
You've dented the headboard again."                         
                                                            
33576 INJURY - SCREWING              Peter Wilkins            



Explaining a gash on his head,                              
"I was fucking dog fashion," he said;                       
"When, with consummate cunning,                             
My gal started runnin,                                      
And dragged us both under the bed."                         
                                                            
33577 INJURY - SCREWING                                  G2022



An OHSA Inspector named Bert                                
With an oversize lady did flirt.                            
He got on for a lay,                                        
But her violent display                                     
Made him fall off the bitch and get hurt.                   
                                                            
33578 INJURY - SCREWING              Albin Chaplin   3024-1949



"My Lord" said the wench to her master,                     
"In this sawmill, you've never gone faster.                 
But my dear, I'm afraid                                     
If they turn on the blade,                                  
It will cause a big fucking dis-assed-er!"                  
                                                            
33579 INJURY - SCREWING              Poet Lariat              



I sprinted through many a patch                             
Of peas after boffin' Nel's snatch;                         
For I've learnt, alas,                                      
That my scarred old ass                                     
For Farmer Brown's gun ain't no match!                      
                                                            
33580 INJURY - SCREWING                                       



There was a young man of Rostov                             
Who found it a risk to make love.                           
He had grown very fond                                      
Of a statuesque blonde,                                     
And was hurt when he slipped and fell off.                  
                                                            
33581 INJURY - SCREWING              Isaac Asimov        P9402



The lewdest of voyeurs named Max,                           
While watching two sex maniacs,                             
With cock all bespattered                                   
Had his optic nerve shattered,                              
As they all had their thousandth climax.                    
                                                            
33582 INJURY - SCREWING                                  G0694



Old pyromaniacal Olin                                       
Singed the butt of a whore he was rollin';                  
Much later, she cursed,                                     
"You should lick the burn first--                           
Not after the whore's ass is swollen!"                      
                                                            
33583 INJURY - SCREWING              Norm Storer         P9111



To avoid matrimonial disasters,                             
Young couples buy Johnson amd Masters,                      
But trying new angles,                                      
They get in such tangles,                                   
They end up in splints and in plasters.                     
                                                            
33584 INJURY - SCREWING              Martin Fagg              



A great one for dates was Miss Thatcher                     
And many young fellows did snatch her.                      
As a matter of fact                                         
She was scarcely intact,                                    
And the next one in line had to patch her.                  
                                                            
33585 INJURY - SCREWING              Albin Chaplin   3024-0769



Just after disrobing, Miss Hoff,                            
Her wig and her dentures she'd doff;                        
Her glass eye undo,                                         
Her pegleg unscrew,                                         
And then she would screw her head off.                      
                                                            
33586 INJURY - SCREWING              Irving Superior     P8312



A careless young fellow named Kline                         
Was fucking a whore serpentine.                             
In the midst of her throes,                                 
She bit off his nose.                                       
He thanked God it was not sixty-nine.                       
                                                            
33587 INJURY - SCREWING              Albin Chaplin   3024-1802



There was a young man from Madras,                          
Who fucked a young girl in the grass.                       
But the hot Spanish sun                                     
Spoiled half his fun                                        
By burning the skin on his ass.                             
                                                            
33588 INJURY - SCREWING              Henry Mucha              



Tonight I will turn the clock back,                         
To get extra time in the sack.                              
The thought is quite chilling,                              
The wife might be willing...                                
I hope I don't throw out my back.                           
                                                            
33589 INJURY - SCREWING              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm feeling quite rough, I confess;                         
In work everything is a mess.                               
'Bout my leave I got cross                                  
And I yelled at the boss!                                   
I've screwed everything up -- more or less!                 
                                                            
33590 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



Is your boss related to mine?                               
He's such a jerk all the time.                              
Can't wait to retire                                        
Before I expire,                                            
And turn into jelly and slime...                            
                                                            
33591 JOBS - BOSSES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



An assistant C.E.O. called Jan,                             
Was always left holding the can.                            
When it came to promotion,                                  
This raised a commotion.                                    
He was listed as an also-ran.                               
                                                            
33592 JOBS - BOSSES                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young worker named Sean,                        
Who at his work does nothing but yawn.                      
The foreman said, "My lord,                                 
If you're easily bored,                                     
I'll make you sorry that you were born!"                    
                                                            
33593 JOBS - BOSSES                  Arthur Pattaffy          



If it's done and it's right, never fear                     
'Cause it's fine and the buck stops right here.             
But if it's a loss,                                         
And it's wrong, it's the boss                               
Who's at fault, let me make that quite clear.               
                                                            
33594 JOBS - BOSSES                  Joe Guerin               



There once was a fellow called Jackson,                     
Who was brilliant at loafing and relaxing.                  
But it was a great loss                                     
For his everyday boss                                       
Was even better at firing and axing!                        
                                                            
33595 JOBS - BOSSES                  Prof M-G            T9710



So you like to lurk in the dark,                            
And write little lims as a lark.                            
But get back to work,                                       
As the boss is a jerk,                                      
Who suppresses your creative spark.                         
                                                            
33596 JOBS - BOSSES                  Funny Bone               



We cannot stand many more losses.                           
Our charts will soon look just like Ross'.                  
We've downsized our crew;                                   
Our bills are past due;                                     
We'll have to get rid of the bosses!                        
                                                            
33597 JOBS - BOSSES                  Al Willis           P9612



Whenever two companies merge                                
Down-sizing will also emerge.                               
AKA head chopping;                                          
AKA name dropping:                                          
By Stalin and doctors called "Purge."                       
                                                            
33598 JOBS - BOSSES                  Irving Superior     P9507



"If they're getting too old, let's retire some.             
And if they won't go, let's fire some."                     
"But we can't cut and run,                                  
The work won't be done."                                    
"If we need personnel, just hire some."                     
                                                            
33599 JOBS - BOSSES                  Al Willis           T9710



While he worked on the job, Mr. Wheeling                    
Held his head toward the sky with great feeling.            
When his boss asked him why,                                
He was facing the sky,                                      
He replied, "I'm inspecting the ceiling."                   
                                                            
33600 JOBS - BOSSES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2834



My boss, he is wholly devoted                               
To work and today was promoted                              
To a new position.                                          
But there is a suspicion                                    
He got it by being deep-throated.                           
                                                            
33601 JOBS - BOSSES                  Carol                    



Often late, my boss still blows his horn;                   
About timeliness, us he would warn.                         
Let's say: rank has its perc;                               
The old boy comes to work                                   
From a different direction each morn.                       
                                                            
33602 JOBS - BOSSES                  Allen Wolverton          



Our Chairman gets data from spies.                          
He'll make up stuff and tell us lies.                       
His Thursday reports                                        
Can just eat my shorts,                                     
With mayo and mustard and flies.                            
                                                            
33603 JOBS - BOSSES                  Anon                     



There was a young newsman named Wes,                        
Whose boss he did try to impress.                           
He would cover a story,                                     
If he thought it meant glory.                               
The editor could not have cared less.                       
                                                            
33604 JOBS - BOSSES                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Maybe the bosses are related;                               
They're certainly all overrated.                            
A masochist am I;                                           
I've worked for this guy,                                   
For fifteen years and I hate it.                            
                                                            
33605 JOBS - BOSSES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



It's hard to find good men and hire 'em;                    
It seems that all work will soon tire 'em.                  
And their work they will shirk                              
While the coffee does perk --                               
You no longer can threaten or fire 'em.                     
                                                            
33606 JOBS - BOSSES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2617



Arthur Deex, I am making a plea,                            
Mail The Pentatette quick as can be.                        
The subscription expired,                                   
And I'm about to be fired                                   
From the job I've done forty years - for free.              
                                                            
33607 JOBS - BOSSES                  Susan Hall          P0112



There was a young typist of Ross                            
Who drew a crude sketch of the boss.                        
And the very next day                                       
She drew her last pay,                                      
But they reckoned she wasn't much loss.                     
                                                            
33608 JOBS - BOSSES                  John Blyth               



The Boss with some hormone control                          
Sees things are now taking their toll                       
Decides to clean house,                                     
But doesn't DELOUSE.                                        
Lawyers stay, it's staff heads that roll.                   
                                                            
33609 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



I am wondering why there's such a delay,                    
Getting my employment tribunal underway.                    
The forms I've filled in,                                   
And I've a good chance to win;                              
It's my job back, that I want right away.                   
                                                            
33610 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



There was a young fellow named Strudel;                     
All day long at his job he did doodle.                      
Without help from his boss,                                 
He would be a big loss,                                     
And he followed him 'round like a poodle.                   
                                                            
33611 JOBS - BOSSES                  Albin Chaplin Appeal 1918



At my work I worked with young Bob,                         
We talked quite a lot on the job.                           
The boss cared not for talk;                                
Told us to take a walk;                                     
On the dole, with no jobs, we hob-nob.                      
                                                            
33612 JOBS - BOSSES                  Arthur Pattaffy          



I once knew a girl from Wisconsin                           
Who poured lighter fluid by Ronson                          
All over her boss,                                          
Because she was cross                                       
And wanted control of his Johnson.                          
                                                            
33613 JOBS - BOSSES                  Travis Brasell           



One day I will strangle my boss;                            
Cut him up into pieces and toss                             
Him a bit at a time,                                        
Into pits full of lime...                                   
Ah, that's better; I'm feeling less cross.                  
                                                            
33614 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



He screwed up the clerk and her life                        
And then he went home to his wife.                          
These lawyers don't care                                    
About an affair.                                            
The staff has to deal with the strife.                      
                                                            
33615 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



I'd much rather not work, Just stall.                       
I wish that the system would fall,                          
And hit with a crash                                        
Then I could get cash,                                      
For just doing nothing at all.                              
                                                            
33616 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



Employers have all of the jobs;                             
Without them, well we are just yobs.                        
They hold them all tight,                                   
'Cause they love the sight                                  
Of pleading reduced down to sobs.                           
                                                            
33617 JOBS - BOSSES                  Archie                   



A break I'm now taking from work;                           
A welcome, if minuscule, perk;                              
And though pre-arranged                                     
Seems the boss is deranged;                                 
He's just mailed me some work, stupid jerk.                 
                                                            
33618 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



I can't stand this working anymore;                         
It isn't any fun -- it's a bore.                            
Another dollar today;                                       
That's how little they pay;                                 
I need combat wage for this chore!                          
                                                            
33619 JOBS - BOSSES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



No fooling at work?  Such a loss!                           
It's clear that you need a new boss.                        
No play and all work                                        
Would drive me berserk.                                     
My drill bits should not "gather moss."                     
                                                            
33620 JOBS - BOSSES                  Marlene Lewis            



To work for the boss has it's use;                          
It gives me the cash to buy juice,                          
So I can ease cares,                                        
Perhaps lay some snares                                     
For one who I'd like to seduce.                             
                                                            
33621 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



Oh sod it. My boss, unforgivin',                            
Expects me to work for a livin'.                            
Each night and each day                                     
With no respite for play;                                   
And to edges of madness I'm driven.                         
                                                            
33622 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



Some men will endure all the stress                         
To climb to the heights of success.                         
But on reaching the pinnacle,                               
You will find they turn cynical --                          
There is nobody left to impress.                            
                                                            
33623 JOBS - BOSSES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2806



I can't read his mind, it's too small;                      
I can't understand him at all.                              
I'll give you the scoop:                                    
The boss is a poop                                          
Besides which he's not very tall!                           
                                                            
33624 JOBS - BOSSES                  Marlene                  



I should have been working away                             
But the project's been cancelled today.                     
Should the boss still expect                                
Me to work, in effect,                                      
I shall tell him quite bluntly, "No way!"                   
                                                            
33625 JOBS - BOSSES                  Peter Wilkins            



My co-worker and I were called crass,                       
But then others joined up to kiss ass.                      
With manner OBSEQUIOUS                                      
They formed a clique wi' us                                 
To line up and salute the brass.                            
                                                            
33626 JOBS - BOSSES                  Norm                     



What a wonderful ending you see;                            
From this asshole, you will be free.                        
And roles you will switch                                   
'Cause payback's a bitch:                                   
Cutting, crushing, choking... What glee!                    
                                                            
33627 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



If you don't want your boss to say nay,                     
When you ask leave to do things your way,                   
Then you better ask soon;                                   
Don't delay until June;                                     
'Cause permissions are granted by "May".                    
                                                            
33628 JOBS - BOSSES                  Peter Wilkins            



What d'ya mean by "working it through"?                     
Does your boss still treat you like poo?                    
I don't mean that Bear,                                     
But it's so unfair;                                         
Why can't he take on someone new?                           
                                                            
33629 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



I've got a friend who's called Rob,                         
Who advanced kind of quick at his job.                      
The others were jealous                                     
'Cause Rob was so zealous,                                  
When he polished the boss's big knob.                       
                                                            
33630 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



A rising young VP was tired                                 
Of having his ideas mired                                   
In red tape.  He roared                                     
At the head of the Board.                                   
He's now older, wiser, and fired.                           
                                                            
33631 JOBS - BOSSES                  Eos                 P8503



The work is a damn deadly bore.                             
The same crap we looked at before.                          
It has not been changed;                                    
It's not rearranged.                                        
Next week, we'll go look at some more!                      
                                                            
33632 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



That secretary pines all day                                
The Boss will her way again stray.                          
For work she's no time                                      
I think he's a slime.                                       
She played, but now I get to pay.                           
                                                            
33633 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



When I get so damned bored at work,                         
Responsibility I shirk.                                     
When my boss comes by,                                      
I look in his eye                                           
And give him a shit-eatin' smirk.                           
                                                            
33634 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



But one day I'll give up this job                           
And I'll throttle him slowly, the slob.                     
I'll enjoy the surprise                                     
And the fear in his eyes,                                   
As I slice off his bollocks and knob.                       
                                                            
33635 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



If he's "sucked" his way to the top,                        
Between posts, it seems he can hop.                         
So Carol, quit mopin';                                      
His old post is open;                                       
Apply, and suck his lollipop.                               
                                                            
33636 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



She screamed as she opened the door,                        
"If you dare invite just one more                           
Darn boss to dinner,                                        
We'll all be thinner.                                       
We can't feed them -- we are too poor!"                     
                                                            
33637 JOBS - BOSSES                  Marty              TP9807



There once was a statement of Mission,                      
Of energy, fusion, and fission.                             
The words were just fine,                                   
In fact, quite divine,                                      
But the content was met with derision.                      
                                                            
33638 JOBS - BOSSES                  Dena Norton              



The time we have spent, they will say,                      
Has enriched our sad lives in some way.                     
Don't we learn as we work?                                  
(If we don't go berserk)                                    
Still I'd rather they 'enrich' our pay.                     
                                                            
33639 JOBS - BOSSES                  Lynn                     



Unemployed!  I am now out of work;                          
The manager, I think he's a jerk.                           
Such a trivial offense!                                     
Due to traffic dense,                                       
I was frequently late for my work.                          
                                                            
33640 JOBS - BOSSES                  Funny Bone               



I had a real gross day at work;                             
My boss was the typical jerk.                               
"Do that and do this --                                     
Come give us a kiss."                                       
Makes me wish I was the file clerk.                         
                                                            
33641 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



Two days off from the old doo-doo mines;                    
They can stick it where Sol never shines!                   
So, let's you and me hug,                                   
And we'll go cut a rug,                                     
At a pub, chug-a-lug from our steins!                       
                                                            
33642 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



Then one who is already hitched                             
One secretary he just ditched                               
His wife had found out                                      
What he was about                                           
He went home like it never itched.                          
                                                            
33643 JOBS - BOSSES                                           



This week I've to stay in a cheap                           
Nasty ghastly hotel; I could weep.                          
Yes, I've been there before                                 
And I said never more                                       
But the boss says I've got to; the creep.                   
                                                            
33644 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



Last time I was there, got a cramp                          
On account of the mould and the damp                        
On the ceiling and walls,                                   
And I singed my poor balls                                  
With electrical shocks from the lamp.                       
                                                            
33645 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



Each night I heard floorboards a-creaking                   
As tarts and their punters went sneaking                    
Upstairs in the gloom                                       
To the very next room;                                      
I couldn't sleep for the bedsprings a-squeaking.            
                                                            
33646 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



The bathroom was way down the hall,                         
For there wasn't an en suite at all;                        
And I queued for an hour                                    
For a pee and a shower,                                     
Which was colder than ice, I recall.                        
                                                            
33647 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



The breakfast was swimming in grease.                       
I complained but they told me to cease;                     
If I didn't stop my noise,                                  
They would send in the boys                                 
And the tanks and the chief of police.                      
                                                            
33648 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



The outlook's exceedingly bleak;                            
I'll be there for the rest of the week.                     
Bet the bedroom is cold                                     
And the sheets full of mould,                               
And the ceiling above springs a leak.                       
                                                            
33649 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



In that awful hotel where you stayed,                       
Did you notice the cute chambermaid?                        
If you played your cards right,                             
You would find that she might                               
Be inclined, for a fee, to get laid.                        
                                                            
33650 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



I've seen the cute chambermaid,                             
But I cannot pay to get laid.                               
If she charges by night,                                    
She just might bite,                                        
And of shots I am deathly afraid.                           
                                                            
33651 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



Though no one can call me a slacker,                        
He whined, "Boy, I'd sure like to smack her                 
Right into a ditch.                                         
My boss is a bitch."                                        
Here Jon, have some cheese on your cracker.                 
                                                            
33652 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Carol                    



It is true that my boss (let's be blunt)                    
Could win "Most Detestable Cunt!"                           
But only because                                            
She won't wash her fuzz,                                    
When she fucks the whole crew as a stunt.                   
                                                            
33653 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Jon Gearhart             



There will be no Company dances;                            
There will be no payroll advances.                          
You will workd double shift,                                
Never cause us a rift,                                      
Or retire and have no pension chances.                      
                                                            
33654 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



You'll work overtime every day!                             
There will be no increse in your pay!                       
Your pension? Get real!                                     
Your life blood I steal!                                    
And you'll do whatever I say!                               
                                                            
33655 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



A bookseller toiling in Droyeda,                            
Had an assistant who often annoyed 'er.                     
Complaints came in volumes,                                 
And were stacked up in columns,                             
Till she wished she had never employed 'er.                 
                                                            
33656 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



A young Irish servant in Droyeda,                           
Had a mistress who often annoyed her.                       
Whereon she would swear,                                    
In a language so rare,                                      
That thereafter no one employed her.                        
                                                            
33657 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



Dear boss, I now have claustrophobia                        
To go with my agoraphobia;                                  
And something else lurks                                    
And it really irks --                                       
Oh no!  Ergasiophobia!  (behavior? - McW)                   
                                                            
33658 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



Ergasiophobia I'm sure                                      
Means labouring you can't endure.                           
I've had that from birth,                                   
But it fills me with mirth,                                 
As to why you would try for a cure.                         
                                                            
33659 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



There once was a lady named Lydia                           
Whose employer inclined to perfidia.                        
With a timing all wrong,                                    
A note came along:                                          
"Dear Lydia,  So sorry -- We're rid o'ya!"                  
                                                            
33660 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chris Robinson           



Now sweet Lydia would often wax comic                       
Over various parts anatomic.                                
And so to her reply,                                        
(to remember her by),                                       
She appended a drawing mnemonic.                            
                                                            
33661 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chris Robinson           



"My Dear Sir (or Ma'am): I just love it!                    
I would think myself too far above it!                      
In a manner so rude                                         
I've never been screwed!                                    
See attached, for where you can shove it!"                  
                                                            
33662 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chris Robinson           



The sketching was Dear, Old Ma Bell,                        
In a posture so lewd - I must tell -                        
Rather daintily built, her                                  
Skirts tossed a-kilter,                                     
Stooped coarsely, bare cheeks all a-swell.                  
                                                            
33663 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chris Robinson           



"Oh I see, now Ma's torn asunder,                           
What department was it I was under!                         
A shame there weren't more of us,                           
Neath her nethermost orifice,                               
The more to feel more moribunder!                           
                                                            
33664 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chris Robinson           



'Twas on her last day she did linger,                       
Just to call up H.Q. on the ringer.                         
In her melifluous way,                                      
With a smile, she did say:                                  
"Reach Out... and Get Touched... by THIS finger!"           
                                                            
33665 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chris Robinson           



This lady named Lyd was a Queen                             
(If not what she once might have been)                      
For though older a year,                                    
She kept what is dear:                                      
Eye Bright, and Wit Sharp (if obscene).                     
                                                            
33666 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chris Robinson           



He's driving me nuts; he's a jerk!                          
He's giving me all the shit work.                           
If he wants to live,                                        
From now on he'll give                                      
All this kind of crap to the clerk.                         
                                                            
33667 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



I'm sure that Boss Man has you stewing                      
With the shit-load of work that you're doing.               
To be perfectly clear,                                      
You're out of luck, dear,                                   
'Cause the Clerk is the one he is screwing.                 
                                                            
33668 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



Bleeding Hell!  He's a chauvinist pig;                      
At my boss I will take a huge dig.                          
I work so hard, I sweat;                                    
But what do I get?                                          
My boss doesn't give a damn fig.                            
                                                            
33669 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Michelle                 



Go in Saturdays, do vast overtime,                          
But then try to claim what is mine?                         
Oh sure, there's reductions                                 
And plenty deductions,                                      
But extra?  Not even a dime.                                
                                                            
33670 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Michelle                 



You probably don't care but my boss                         
On his lunchhour-and-a-half hits the sauce.                 
After his three martinis,                                   
With a beer in between, he's                                
With matters of time, at a loss.                            
                                                            
33671 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Baldy                    



In handy, this comes, around four                           
O'clock when we head for the door.                          
We're up to our tricks --                                   
The clocks all say six!                                     
He thinks we've slaved two hours more.                      
                                                            
33672 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Baldy                    



The traffic is bad on the way                               
To work, and I'm late, so I say:                            
"Hey boss, don't be surly,                                  
Tonight I'll leave early.                                   
I can't be late twice in one day.                           
                                                            
33673 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



Well now, if your boss is a droid,                          
I'm sure that he won't be annoyed.                          
But if he's a brain,                                        
You'd better refrain                                        
Or else you'll soon be unemployed.                          
                                                            
33674 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



I'm sorry about the confusion.                              
I think it must be that contusion                           
I have on my brain;                                         
It makes me insane.                                         
Perhaps I should go in seclusion.                           
                                                            
33675 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Carol                    



...And live in the local convent,                           
Take vows of silence and repent                             
My sinful gum chewing,                                      
My constantly screwing                                      
My boss, to torture and torment.                            
                                                            
33676 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Carol                    



The drugs that you take is for numbin'                      
Your brain so no thoughts it can summon.                    
There's one more solution                                   
To numb that contusion --                                   
My tongue on your clit 'til you're comin'.                  
                                                            
33677 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Tongueman                



She discussed her past work in detail,                      
With a voice that was soft as a fine ale.                   
And the shape of her thighs                                 
And the squint of her eyes,                                 
Made it hard for me not to be male.                         
                                                            
33678 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



In the ensuing days of her hiring,                          
She was provocatively inspiring.                            
All my needs she would meet                                 
With an air so replete,                                     
That in time I would pay for desiring.                      
                                                            
33679 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



"M' Lard", said the sweet English maid,                     
"I wonder if I could get laid,                              
In lieu of my wages,                                        
I'll fuck you in stages,                                    
A non-taxible way to get paid."                             
                                                            
33680 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



That method of payment in lieu,                             
Alas, now we must bid adieu.                                
Those taxmen, the jerks,                                    
Will charge for such perks,                                 
And screw you for every such screw.                         
                                                            
33681 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



"We'll done, Hon, I'm happy for you;                        
There's none more deserving than you.                       
You've done very well                                       
By working like hell,                                       
And being your boss'es best screw!"                         
                                                            
33682 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES                                  



It's Saturday - time for a break;                           
No commuting to keep me awake.                              
That snooze until seven                                     
Was absolute heaven;                                        
Another mid-morning I'll take.                              
                                                            
33683 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



By Sunday, refreshed I should be;                           
A-jumping and humping with glee.                            
But dammit - my boss                                        
Says we're making a loss;                                   
I'll be gone again well before three.                       
                                                            
33684 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Another week working away                                   
("Oop north" as Lancastrians say).                          
It's time I retired                                         
Or I got myself fired                                       
And escaped from this working affray.                       
                                                            
33685 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



It's five days till Friday -- Goddamn!                      
I'm tired of bosses and them                                
Reports, meetings, fits,                                    
My young colleagues' tits                                   
And lunches of beer and stale ham.                          
                                                            
33686 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Nikita                   



Your bored seeing tits, my young Nik?                       
Then your company's not what I'd pick.                      
For boobs, bosom, titties                                   
And even Bristol Cities    [? - McW]                        
Go through my eyeballs to my prick!                         
                                                            
33687 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Archie                   



I see those same tits every day;                            
Bouncing, jiggling away.                                    
We need some diversity                                      
In my university                                            
To lead us young white males astray.                        
                                                            
33688 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Nikita                   



I hate your young white male guts;                          
Would you rather have floppy-ass butts?                     
It's all I see here,                                        
Only taut one is queer.                                     
I'd matriculate to view those chestnuts.                    
                                                            
33689 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES         Chubby                   



Offending the old Mother Grundys                            
Is what we do best on our Mondays,                          
Perversions on Wednesday                                    
Make that our fun hensday,                                  
While priests are maligned on our Sundays.                  
                                                            
33690 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK                                     



I love when the week reaches Friday;                        
When 5 o'clock comes, it is my day.                         
Then I can go bar hop                                       
And pick up a bed flop-                                     
Per who likes to do all the things my way.                  
                                                            
33691 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK            Jon Gearhart             



While most folks anticipate Friday,                         
It's mid-week that I can call my day.                       
My wife works on the weekend,                               
So Wednesday's when we spend                                
Our kiss, foreplay, "wink", then just lie day.              
                                                            
33692 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK            MJay                     



Each Monday's a day so depressing,                          
Arriving without any blessing.                              
On Wednesday I'm peaking;                                   
By Friday I'm shrieking,                                    
"Come on Carol, let's start undressing!"                    
                                                            
33693 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK            Jon Gearhart             



Each Monday's a day so depressing,                          
The gun in my mouth I'm surpressing.                        
No jobs in my view;                                         
I'm ready to spew;                                          
I need a shrink for expressing.                             
                                                            
33694 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK            Jim Davis                



A punctual damsel, Miss Tique,                              
Wears panties THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.                         
When midnight would strike,                                 
Her dress she would hike                                    
Regardless of who's there to peek.                          
                                                            
33695 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK            Irving Superior     P8802



A Thursday's a day I can cope,                              
For Friday's in sight and brings hope.                      
Our break will arrive                                       
And our love with thrive                                    
When we shower and play drop the soap.                      
                                                            
33696 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK            Jon Gearhart             



A big, bouncy, beautiful, lusty                             
Young girl of eighteen, name of Dusty,                      
(The miller's young daughter)                               
Made bread like she oughter,                                
In shapes reminiscently busty.                              
                                                            
33697 JOBS - FOOD                                             



Old Henry, our baker, indeed,                               
Bakes our bread at incredible speed.                        
Every second or so                                          
He bakes kilos of dough,                                    
But I fear he bakes more than we knead.                     
                                                            
33698 JOBS - FOOD                    Peter Wilkins            



To the bus boy we must tip our cap;                         
The table he clears in a snap.                              
Though he's highly infectious,                              
His germs won't affect us.                                  
He hasn't got AID'S, just the clap.                         
                                                            
33699 JOBS - FOOD                    Parker Waterman     P0109



The wife of the butcher of Clewer,                          
Was riding a bike and it threw her.                         
The butcher came by,                                        
And said, "Dearest, don't cry,"                             
And he fastened her on with a skewer.                       
                                                            
33700 JOBS - FOOD                                             



Our butcher is quite a recluse;                             
With women he's very obtuse.                                
He call them "My duck,"                                     
In hopes of some luck,                                      
And often he gives them a goose.                            
                                                            
33701 JOBS - FOOD                    Tiddy Ogg                



As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops,                   
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.                          
Since he thinks it's effete                                 
To be beating his meat,                                     
What he's into is licking his chops.                        
                                                            
33702 JOBS - FOOD                                             



There was an old butcher named Thistle                      
Who sent to young lads this epistle:                        
"Don't cut meat for a living,                               
It's a job unforgiving.                                     
It's no pleasure to wrestle with gristle."                  
                                                            
33703 JOBS - FOOD                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2814



There was a young girl of Eutoxeter,                        
Who worked nine to five as a choc-setter.                   
She rolled the choc thin                                    
With a wee rolling-pin,                                     
So they'd fit in the chocolate box better.                  
                                                            
33704 JOBS - FOOD                    Stanley J. Sharpless     



A cinnamon peeler from Kandy                                
Was the most popular guy in the landy.                      
Where e'er he would stray,                                  
They insisted he stay                                       
For he made the place smell sweet and dandy.                
                                                            
33705 JOBS - FOOD                    Maxine Stephen           



The scope of adhesives is vast                              
And some will solidify fast.                                
If you quickly apply                                        
Some glue to the guy,                                       
The cobbler should stick to his last.                       
                                                            
33706 JOBS - FOOD                    VOL 6                    



It's like a wrong-way stroking of fur                       
When I first hear that miserable cur,                       
The bane of us all                                          
Who starts off his call                                     
With, "How are you tonight, sir?"                           
                                                            
33707 JOBS - FOOD                                             



North of Nome there's a farmer I know,                      
Whose fields are all covered with snow,                     
From September to May,                                      
When the stuff melts away,                                  
Leaving just time for nothing to grow.                      
                                                            
33708 JOBS - FOOD                    John Ciardi              



Yes I know about cows and their fodder.                     
When in need, I'm a great chicken spotter.                  
I can count all those hens                                  
And the sheep in their pens,                                
For you see, I was one farmer's daughter.                   
                                                            
33709 JOBS - FOOD                    Jim Weaver Collection    



From Everett there was a young man,                         
Who thought he was perfectly grand,                         
Until one fine day,                                         
He found 30 bales of hay,                                   
And said, "Oh!  I guess I'm a farmhand."                    
                                                            
33710 JOBS - FOOD                                             



While fishing for herring in Wick,                          
He was taken, quite suddenly, sick.                         
He then lost his lure,                                      
And his sinkers, for sure.                                  
He's in more of a pickle than Bick.                         
                                                            
33711 JOBS - FOOD                    Mervyn Cripps            



Jean Pierre was the chef de cuisine;                        
Could do wonders with meat, fish or bean.                   
The food critics sing,                                      
"Of the kitchen he's king."                                 
He's not only king, he's a queen.                           
                                                            
33712 JOBS - FOOD                    Parker Waterman     P0109



The maitre d' Jacques is quite able.                        
Greets patrons in fox, mink or sable.                       
With the room nearly empty,                                 
Jacques makes the attempt, he                               
Tries to give you the very worst table.                     
                                                            
33713 JOBS - FOOD                    Parker Waterman     P0109



A milkman by name of McGivery,                              
While taking his horse to the livery,                       
In the groin got a kick,                                    
But he said rather quick,                                   
That is would not affect his delivery.                      
                                                            
33714 JOBS - FOOD                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1804



The milkman comes by every day;                             
His milk I won't buy, there's no way.                       
The reason is easy:                                         
'Cause he's really sleazy,                                  
And his horse always shits in the dray.                     
                                                            
33715 JOBS - FOOD                                             



A flat-pack, whichever you choose,                          
Is life, in a box: here's the clues:                        
It's bloody hard work;                                      
You feel like a jerk;                                       
And never d'you get enough screws.                          
                                                            
33716 JOBS - FOOD                                             



There was an old codger from Perth                          
Who plucked pheasants for all he was worth.                 
He sang all day                                             
As he plucked away;                                         
That pleasant pheasant plucker from Perth.                  
                                                            
33717 JOBS - FOOD                    Funny Bone               



There once was an old pheasant plucker,                     
Who pleasantly plucked a young trucker,                     
But the driver objected                                     
When being subjected                                        
To pleasantly plucking his pucker.                          
                                                            
33718 JOBS - FOOD                    Hugh Clary               



A young topless waitress named Viv                          
Gave everything that she could give.                        
There was one omission,                                     
She earned only commission.                                 
She found on this, that she couldn't live.                  
                                                            
33719 JOBS - FOOD                    Arthur Pattaffy          



The waiter's the best in the group;                         
He's in a theatrical group.                                 
Waiting tables destroys him,                                
So if one annoys him                                        
In the kitchen he spits in one's soup.                      
                                                            
33720 JOBS - FOOD                    Parker Waterman     P0109



A brawny young girl from Penrith,                           
Decided to be a blacksmith.                                 
Making shoes for racehorses,                                
Was one of her courses;                                     
Not for women!  That's only a myth.                         
                                                            
33721 JOBS - MANUAL                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a blacksmith in Danville                     
Who made so much noise on his anvil,                        
That the neighbors, one day                                 
Went and hauled it away,                                    
And bulldozed it into the landfill.                         
                                                            
33722 JOBS - MANUAL                  William D Robinson       



I went to a blacksmith in Toulouse;                         
I said my horse needed new shoes.                           
Bad communication                                           
Led to an altercation,                                      
When I called back, he was smelling of booze.               
                                                            
33723 JOBS - MANUAL                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Beneath the old chestnut tree spreading,                    
The young village maidens come treading                     
Up to the front door,                                       
In hopes that they'll score,                                
And tonight them, the smith will be bedding.                
                                                            
33724 JOBS - MANUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



They hang 'round the doorway real coy,                      
Not knowing the smith don't enjoy                           
Such feminine wiles.                                        
He'd rather run miles                                       
In search of a suitable boy...                              
                                                            
33725 JOBS - MANUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



...To pump at his bellows while he,                         
Skilled craftsman as ever he be,                            
Will beat at his metal,                                     
That's now in fine fettle,                                  
'Til it's bent as that miller of Dee.                       
                                                            
33726 JOBS - MANUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young farmer from Chard,                        
Who decided that life was too hard.                         
His visions grew wider;                                     
No apples for cider;                                        
He became a pop-star's bodyguard.                           
                                                            
33727 JOBS - MANUAL                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a baker named Baker,                         
Who baked the mistake of a caker.                           
But without ado,                                            
He took it and some glue,                                   
And became a cabinet maker.                                 
                                                            
33728 JOBS - MANUAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A carpenter from Kalamazoo                                  
Built a house without nail or a screw.                      
When the house fell apart,                                  
He said, "Cross my heart,                                   
That's the last time for Scotch Tape and glue!"             
                                                            
33729 JOBS - MANUAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A carpenter in Finlandia                                    
Said, "How long have I got to stand here?                   
I'm all by myself,                                          
Trying to put up this shelf.                                
Won't somebody give me a hand here?"                        
                                                            
33730 JOBS - MANUAL                  Michael Palin            



A carpenter's helper named Neville                          
Never made anything level.                                  
A table or chair                                            
Was best made elsewhere,                                    
Then taken to Neville to bevel.                             
                                                            
33731 JOBS - MANUAL                  Michael Palin            



A cylinder grinder named Fred                               
Was thinking of work while in bed.                          
When his wife, Mary, groaned,                               
"I need to be boned."                                       
He ground down his missus instead.                          
                                                            
33732 JOBS - MANUAL                  John Bellhouse           



The hole-diggers dig up the street,                         
Then the hole-fillers fill them but neat.                   
So the hole-digging men                                     
Dig a bigger one, then                                      
For the hole-diggers hate to be beat.                       
                                                            
33733 JOBS - MANUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



But back come the hole-filling men,                         
Filling hole-diggers' holes once again.                     
Then the diggers with vigor                                 
Go dig them much bigger,                                    
For such is the hole-digger's yen.                          
                                                            
33734 JOBS - MANUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



You'll notice those hole-digging men                        
Sometimes wait for the moment when                          
The resurfacing crew                                        
Makes the road all brand-new,                               
Then they start digging holes once again.                   
                                                            
33735 JOBS - MANUAL                  Tony Bburrell            



Other times you will simply find                            
That the surface they've chosen to grind                    
Will now end in a hump,                                     
Which gives quite a thump                                   
To each drivers tender behind.                              
                                                            
33736 JOBS - MANUAL                  Tomea                    



Johnny's new warehouse job was a bore;                      
Packing boxes all day was a chore.                          
For that job he had yearned                                 
But it's one he'd have spurned,                             
If the "ware" hadn't sounded like "whore".                  
                                                            
33737 JOBS - MANUAL                  Lims For Year - 01       



An old lady, from near Mississugger,                        
Was in love with a seasonal logger.                         
"Though he cannot be here                                   
For ten months of the year,                                 
Still I love him -- the silly old bugger!"                  
                                                            
33738 JOBS - MANUAL                  Keith MacMillan       62d



A lumberjack novice named Claude,                           
Quit his job and them moved abroad.                         
It wasn't the hills,                                        
Or mountains or rills,                                      
He just didn't like what he sawed.                          
                                                            
33739 JOBS - MANUAL                  Margaret A. Murdock P8303



To axes now few loggers HEW;                                
With chain-saws they fell trees; a few.                     
Such hewing's a breeze,                                     
Except when species                                         
Are endangered by hacking they do.                          
                                                            
33740 JOBS - MANUAL                  Chris Papa               



Say a tree had a penis, I'd scoff,                          
And suggest that your head's up your trough.                
But a logger will brake                                     
His truck for the sake                                      
Of letting the lumberjack off.                              
                                                            
33741 JOBS - MANUAL                  Hugh Clary               



Two fellows who were lumberjacks,                           
Took a break, while at work, to relax.                      
Boss perambulated,                                          
Found them both prostrated,                                 
And promptly gave them the axe.                             
                                                            
33742 JOBS - MANUAL                  Observer                 



"Would you chop down this forest?"  I said                  
To three lumberjacks, John, Dick, and Fred.                 
But they muttered, "Oh dear,                                
It will take us all year,                                   
For we're only tree fellers," and fled.                     
                                                            
33743 JOBS - MANUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



Far up on the mountain last night,                          
Out under the stars full and bright,                        
I lifted my timber                                          
(And I wished it was limber!)                               
And strained my damn guts till I shite!                     
                                                            
33744 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



I slung my big log 'cross my shoulder,                      
(Not easily done, as I'm older!)                            
And toted it down                                           
The mountain to town,                                       
And shoved it in Winnie's log holder.                       
                                                            
33745 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



Now, Winnie's my log loading pal,                           
A stubborn but faithful old gal;                            
She sometimes unruly,                                       
Yet for a Log Muley,                                        
She packs well with nary a scowl.                           
                                                            
33746 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



Whenever I come up beside her,                              
I'm careful to never deride her;                            
She's such a sweet soul,                                    
Who's taken my pole                                         
So often and still lets me ride her.                        
                                                            
33747 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



Through many fine log mules I sifted                        
Till I found dear Winnie -- so gifted!                      
For nigh 30 years,                                          
She's brought me to tears                                   
When, gladly, my timber she's lifted!                       
                                                            
33748 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



Yes, Winnie has brought me good luck;                       
She's one mule who's not prone to buck;                     
She's always quite ready                                    
To stand straight and steady                                
So that my big log won't get stuck!                         
                                                            
33749 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



And when up on the mountain tonight,                        
While under the stars full and bright,                      
I'll hear Winnie braying,                                   
As her way of saying,                                       
"My log holder's still good and tight!"                     
                                                            
33750 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



When you're out in our national park,                       
You must guard your log 'til it's dark.                     
Lest a woodpecker's bill                                    
Do a rat-a-tat drill                                        
For the worms crawling under the bark.                      
                                                            
33751 JOBS - MANUAL                  Alan Wolverton           



Since I have long been a believer                           
That a log man must be a achiever                           
Of timber that's good,                                      
I guard, as I should,                                       
'Gainst peckerwoods -- also of beaver!                      
                                                            
33752 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



I often see signs for MEN WORKING                           
Surrounded by managers shirking,                            
While one lonely guy                                        
Must his labor apply;                                       
Wouldn't MAN WORKING signs be less irking?                  
                                                            
33753 JOBS - MANUAL                  Cyber Geezer             



A masseuse, much to her dismay,                             
Was victim of client non-pay.                               
"The reason," he said,                                      
"Is, you're a dumbhead,                                     
And you have rubbed me the wrong way!"                      
                                                            
33754 JOBS - MANUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



She said, "Now don't be tempermental.                       
I'll rub you with oils essential."                          
Then lowering her voice,                                    
Said "You've got a choice                                   
Of Texaco or Occidental."                                   
                                                            
33755 JOBS - MANUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



Trained masseur, "Jolly" Roger McKay,                       
Wasn't able to make his skill pay.                          
Though known as a savant                                    
He had a penchant,                                          
For rubbing folks all the wrong way.                        
                                                            
33756 JOBS - MANUAL                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



In winter two ladies named Peters                           
Kept warm by their cozy gas heaters.                        
Their gas price was low                                     
And the reason was: "So                                     
We are screwed by the readers of meters."                   
                                                            
33757 JOBS - MANUAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0292



At Timmins, a miner, ill-fated,                             
Would avoid safety clothes, insulated,                      
Which down in the pit                                       
Didn't matter a bit,                                        
Till he came out at night -- copperplated!                  
                                                            
33758 JOBS - MANUAL                  Mrs Don Gale, Ontario 72c



This week I'm working the first shift,                      
And that early I am not too swift.                          
With puffy red eyes,                                        
I need help from the guys,                                  
In locating my own fork lift.                               
                                                            
33759 JOBS - MANUAL                                           



If ever dear, somehow you forgot,                           
Not 'fork lift' but your special spot                       
With which you do straddle                                  
My face and my saddle,                                      
Both tongues will help locate your twat!                    
                                                            
33760 JOBS - MANUAL                                           



It's just like going into combat;                           
At work, while I'm still training Pat.                      
Up on the fork lift,                                        
The gears he can't shift,                                   
And the seatbelt won't go 'round his fat.                   
                                                            
33761 JOBS - MANUAL                  Carol                    



It must be your free-swinging tits,                         
That's giving poor Patrick the fits.                        
With using the clutch                                       
To shift and to touch                                       
Your breasts, while he's jerking his bits.                  
                                                            
33762 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



However, I've had quite a chuckle                           
Envisioning your trying to buckle                           
That seat belt 'round Pat,                                  
Who grabs his green hat,                                    
And thinks you are fixin' to fuckle.                        
                                                            
33763 JOBS - MANUAL                  Travis Brasell           



I have to say I'm tickled too,                              
Imagining that sticky goo.                                  
He's shaped like a pig;                                     
His belly's so big,                                         
It sticks out further than his dickie do.                   
                                                            
33764 JOBS - MANUAL                  Jeanie                   



Said the gutsy young lady named Dinah,                      
Who resigned from her job as a miner.                       
"That awful coal dust                                       
Spoils a girl's snow white bust                             
And seeps in a miner's vagina."                             
                                                            
33765 JOBS - MANUAL                  M C Pigg            P0308



Dinah tried for a job as a rigger.                          
The guys at the office would snigger.                       
"We'll hire you really quick                                
When you've grown a dick,                                   
And tits are not part of your figger."                      
                                                            
33766 JOBS - MANUAL                  M C Pigg            P0308



The foreman gave Dinah a gift;                              
She was hired for a longshoreman's shift.                   
In an hour she was fired                                    
When she said, "I'm so tired                                
And that box is too heavy to lift."                         
                                                            
33767 JOBS - MANUAL                  M C Pigg            P0308



There was a hard worker named Morrie,                       
Who worked hard at his work in the quarry.                  
At the end of the day,                                      
He was too tired to play                                    
With his kids.  He could only say sorry.                    
                                                            
33768 JOBS - MANUAL                  Arthur Pattaffy          



To Egypt a long distance call                               
From China, "We're building a wall.                         
Since your man is through,                                  
Ask him, can he do                                          
Less slanting, and not quite as tall?"                      
(Pyramid vs Chinese Wall)                                   
33769 JOBS - MANUAL                  Irving Superior     P9301



An old watchmaker from Anaheim,                             
Did not have his hands on the time.                         
If a watch stops today,                                     
One just throws it away.                                    
His watchmaking's now not worth a dime.                     
                                                            
33770 JOBS - MANUAL                  Arthur Pattaffy          



He washee window way up there.                              
About his work he really care.                              
People quite buffaloed                                      
When see him on scaffold.                                   
They say, "There's a Nip in the air."                       
                                                            
33771 JOBS - MANUAL                  Jane D. Hughes      P9301



A young man, a real eager beaver,                           
Was soon at his job with a cleaver.                         
His work as a killer,                                       
Finished up in the chiller.                                 
He died not in the chair, but of fever.                     
                                                            
33772 JOBS - MANUAL                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A firefighter named Hearnd                                  
Forgot everything he had learned;                           
A careless mishandle                                        
Of a decorative candle;                                     
He watched as his property burned.                          
                                                            
33773 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Puff Adder               



A vigilant fireman named Byron                              
Extinguished the fire in a siren,                           
But it smoldered and flamed                                 
And he sadly proclaimed                                     
There were too many fires for his iron.                     
                                                            
33774 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Albin Chaplin   3024-0074



As the tired fireman reeled in the hose,                    
He was so cold that he almost froze.                        
Unless he got some heat                                     
From his head to his feet,                                  
He'd have parts that would soon decompose.                  
                                                            
33775 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Arthur Pattaffy          



The hairdresser, combing quite errant                       
Pulled hard on his pate.  "Oh you weren't                   
To do that!" cried he                                       
(Who was balder than thee!)                                 
She replied, "Just making hair apparent."                   
                                                            
33776 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        LaDonna Jones       P8503



A horologist, making a clock,                               
Said, "My sign gives tailhunters a shock.                   
They come in a whirl                                        
With hotpants for a girl,                                   
When there's none to be had in THIS block!"                 
                                                            
33777 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Grand Prix Lim  437      



I know the man who repairs my shoes;                        
A dying trade that he would not choose.                     
When told as a lad                                          
He must follow his dad,                                     
He agreed in case dad blew a fuse!                          
                                                            
33778 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Arthur Pattaffy          



When Freddy, the shoemaker, fell,                           
His output of shoes fell as well.                           
Said a customer, "Freddy,                                   
Will my shoes soon be ready?"                               
But Freddy said, "Awl is not well."                         
                                                            
33779 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Albin Chaplin   3024-2568



A skilled maker of shoes was young Hearst;                  
When he entered a contest, men cursed.                      
And they all were aghast                                    
When first prize was for last,                              
For young Hearst for his last came in first.                
                                                            
33780 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Albin Chaplin   3024-2614



A watchmaker, most unorthodox,                              
Put just half of the works in his clocks.                   
He said, "None of my clients                                
Are versed in this science--                                
They won't know I'm omitting the tocks."                    
                                                            
33781 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Vincent Torre       P9406



A builder who worked at great heights,                      
Said he enjoyed being there for the sights.                 
He liked what he saw,                                       
But wished it were more,                                    
Especially through windows at nights!                       
                                                            
33782 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED        Arthur Pattaffy          



The way that I make all my money,                           
Some people may find rather funny.                          
On every fresh copy,                                        
While it is still soppy,                                    
I cover mistakes with some honey.                           
                                                            
33783 JOBS - MEDIA                                            



Damon Runyon thought young men should know                  
One rule when to manhood they grow:                         
They should always avoid                                    
Like the plague and typhoid                                 
Fast women and horses that're slow.                         
                                                            
33784 JOBS - MEDIA                   Warrick Elrod            



A lady advisor/sex sleuth                                   
Concentrates on your moment of truth.                       
"Too fast? Make it linger                                   
With tongue, toe and finger,"                               
Comes advice from our own Doctor Ruth.                      
                                                            
33785 JOBS - MEDIA                   Jane D. Hughes      P9006



Now don't you go and get all mad,                           
Take a breath, settle down my lad!                          
There's hope for you yet,                                   
You just have to get,                                       
Dr. Ruth to lay you, Egad!                                  
                                                            
33786 JOBS - MEDIA                                            



That short little woman will teach you                      
Everything just shy of voodoo.                              
By the time she gets done,                                  
You'll be number one,                                       
But she'll need a ladder to reach you!                      
                                                            
33787 JOBS - MEDIA                                            



Gagging you scream Dr. Who?                                 
Noo, that's a British sci fi show, turuloo.                 
Now pay attention,                                          
Dr. Ruth I did mention,                                     
The wild things she'll teach you to do!                     
                                                            
33788 JOBS - MEDIA                                            



Good sex, if you must know the truth,"                      
Remarked the demure Dr. Ruth,                               
"Is well sanitized fucking.                                 
The obsession with sucking --                               
Not only bad taste, but uncouth."                           
                                                            
33789 JOBS - MEDIA                   Ed Potts            P8606



Every Sunday I throw out my back                            
When I pick up the Tribune's thick stack.                   
The fat sheets, myriad,                                     
All contain someone's ad,                                   
Without which it would be a mere tract.                     
                                                            
33790 JOBS - MEDIA                   William N Nesbit         



Hugh Hefner's a guy who just brags,                         
"The Mansion's where fun never lags.                        
Where the girls and great foods                             
Satisfy all your moods,                                     
While I keep track of my money bags."                       
                                                            
33791 JOBS - MEDIA                   Tom Patton          P9902



We all know she does like to diet                           
And at work is never too quiet.                             
She's a smart-ass hen                                       
Who dabbles in men,                                         
And if spotting a Clairol, she'll buy it.                   
                                                            
33792 JOBS - MEDIA                   Dick Hull                



While at work on a client's behalf,                         
We would stop while she made us all laugh.                  
And it's no rumor,                                          
Her sense of humor                                          
Will surely delight her new staff!                          
                                                            
33793 JOBS - MEDIA                   Dick Hull                



In La Belle France, if one wished to rate,                  
And nobility wasn't his fate,                               
He could happily catch                                      
A job with "Paris Match",                                   
Then apply to join the Fourth Estate.                       
                                                            
33794 JOBS - MEDIA                   Loren C Fitzhugh         



Though John would keep writing OP ED,                       
They never would print what he said.                        
John deeply deplored                                        
His being ignored,                                          
So next time he wrote to "hOP hEaD."                        
                                                            
33795 JOBS - MEDIA                   Irving Superior          



Of newspaper moguls, the worst:                             
Tyrannical William R. Hearst.                               
Drove Unions insane                                         
While brow-beating Kane.                                    
Oh, Happy the day Hearst was hearsed.                       
                                                            
33796 JOBS - MEDIA                   Irving Superior          



The N.Y. Times staff does a stint                           
Which requires them to practice a squint,                   
Which ensures that these sages,                             
In these days and ages,                                     
Won't see "All of the News Fit to Print".                   
                                                            
33797 JOBS - MEDIA                   Loren C Fitzhugh         



I'm of filth such a dogged acquirer;                        
Of privacy no lame admirer,                                 
That I'm pleased to announce                                
I'm ready to pounce!                                        
I've been hired by the National Enquirer!!                  
                                                            
33798 JOBS - MEDIA                                            



Since newspapers sometimes surprise                         
The names of the ones who demise,                           
I next read the weather,                                    
Deciding on whether                                         
To roll up, and start swatting flies.                       
                                                            
33799 JOBS - MEDIA                   Irving Superior          



With T.V. around, who is sure                               
That newspapers long can endure?                            
Where T.V. most fails                                       
Aside from details                                          
In winter, who'd cover the poor?                            
                                                            
33800 JOBS - MEDIA                   Irving Superior          



William R. Hearst, of ethics uncouth,                       
Didn't tolerate even Vermouth.                              
Given that, it's not odd                                    
That he trampled roughshod                                  
Over accuracy and the truth.                                
                                                            
33801 JOBS - MEDIA                   Loren C Fitzhugh         



An editor by the name of Hughes                             
Said, "I'll print any headline I choose."                   
But a faulty report                                         
Put his ass into court;                                     
Now the poor guy is singing the blues.                      
                                                            
33802 JOBS - MEDIA                   Tom Patton               



All newspaper boardroom agenda                             i
Since Murdoch, have had some addenda;                       
Must everyone plan                                          
For the dirty old man                                       
Who only wants female pudenda?                              
                                                            
33803 JOBS - MEDIA                   Paul Jennings            



Rupert Murdoch, with glee, shouted "What                    
A lot of newspapers I've got!                               
I've just got to get                                        
The Beekeepers' Gazette,                                    
And The War Cry and I've got the lot."                      
                                                            
33804 JOBS - MEDIA                   Frank Richards           



You're the wisest of wise in the land,                      
And on that idea you expand.                                
There's nothing you lack,                                   
We won't pat your back,                                     
For there we'd encounter your hand.                         
(conservative pundit asshole in the States, 1990's)         
33805 JOBS - MEDIA                   Ray Hemphill             



The media thinks it's their role                            
To inform and control and cajole.                           
They're brilliant, although,                                
When they just don't know,                                  
They refer to the wise Gallup Poll.                         
                                                            
33806 JOBS - MEDIA                   Al Willis          TP9802



In choosing the views I peruse,                             
I'm cancelling CNN News.                                    
The where and the why is                                    
There's so damned much bias,                                
They're making me puke in my shoes.                         
                                                            
33807 JOBS - MEDIA                                            



Of the mistress of W. Randolf Hearst,                       
All friends suspected the worst,                            
For over her bed                                            
Was the motto in red:                                       
"The Customer Always Comes First."                          
                                                            
33808 JOBS - MEDIA                                       P8205



I once knew an old Engineer                                 
With a pencil tucked behind his ear.                        
He could whip out a design                                  
Without missing a line.                                     
His drawings were always so clear.                          
                                                            
33809 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



You could build from his first set of plans;                
They were pleasure to hold in your hands.                   
So complete and precise;                                    
Oh God! They were nice.                                     
I was one of his ten thousand fans.                         
                                                            
33810 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



Such Masters are right on the brink                         
Of disappearing, is what I do think.                        
But what can we do                                          
To preserve the last few;                                   
Can we clone them before they're extinct?                   
                                                            
33811 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



We could hold universal debate                              
To determine the course of their fate.                      
But there's no time to dally,                               
Let's begin with a tally                                    
Or is it already too late.                                  
                                                            
33812 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



This new breed they call Engineers                          
Are a disgrace to their old Master peers.                   
We must hold their frail hands                              
Till they learn do draw plans.                              
It may take us the rest of our years.                       
                                                            
33813 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



Could it be that they haven't a clue                        
About what it is that they do.                              
Was the whole sorry bunch                                   
All gone out to lunch,                                      
When the Master explained what he drew.                     
                                                            
33814 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



Their computers do all of their thinking                    
While they sit and just stare without inkling,              
And wait for that tool                                      
To spit out a jewel,                                        
They can sell for the cash to go drinking.                  
                                                            
33815 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



They've got 'Cover Their Asses' disclaimers,                
To protect their fat checks from the blamers.               
When the drawings are shitty,                               
It's a real fucking pity,                                   
We must deal with these arrogant lamers.                    
                                                            
33816 JOBS - PROFESSION              Bob Leclerc              



Accountants keep track of the means,                        
Mostly working behind the scenes.                           
They're extremely attentive                                 
And anal retentive,                                         
From counting and not eating the beans.                     
                                                            
33817 JOBS - PROFESSION              Jim Weaver Collection    



An accountant, accounting with vigor,                       
Came across an unususal figure.                             
He pursed up his lips                                       
With his hands on his hips,                                 
And his eyes just got bigger and bigger.                    
                                                            
33818 JOBS - PROFESSION              Martin Guy               



The specialty publisher, Hooker,                            
Well known in his trade as "Cook Booker",                   
Had a more famous brother.                                  
Who was?  Why none other                                    
Than the CPA known as "Book Cooker."                        
                                                            
33819 JOBS - PROFESSION              Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



An impetuous maiden named Marion,                           
Antidisestablishmentarian,                                  
Took a rabbit, a bear,                                      
And a pig to the fair,                                      
And posed as a veterinarian.                                
                                                            
33820 JOBS - PROFESSION              Cybergeezer              



There was a young lady named Marion                         
A disestablishmentarian,                                    
Who purchased a gun,                                        
Put her hair in a bun,                                      
And became a Montana librarian.                             
                                                            
33821 JOBS - PROFESSION              Cybergeezer              



There was an old banker named Bierce                        
Whose heart was like flint -- hard to pierce.               
But a fly that was trapped                                  
In a web and was wrapped,                                   
Brought tears to his eyes something fierce.                 
                                                            
33822 JOBS - PROFESSION              Albin Chaplin   3024-2448



"Our bankers," observed Mr. Bart,                           
"As servants do play a fine part.                           
They give thoughtful advice                                 
And make great scrifice,                                    
And they all have our interest at heart."                   
                                                            
33823 JOBS - PROFESSION              Albin Chaplin   3024-2433



For all of his technical drivel,                            
This lad's reputation will shrivel:                         
He can't measure loads,                                     
He can't design roads --                                    
As an engineer, he's just not civil.                        
                                                            
33824 JOBS - PROFESSION              Norm Storer         P0007



The County Recorder's small niche,                          
Should help work go, without a hitch.                       
That's not working out,                                     
And that's without doubt,                                   
'Cause this one is really a bitch.                          
                                                            
33825 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



An electrical engineer, Burkitt,                            
Was asked to design a new circuit,                          
But he failed to produce                                    
And became a recluse:                                       
"Since I cannot work it, I'll shirk it!"                    
                                                            
33826 JOBS - PROFESSION              Norm Storer         P0012



The other day I had designed                                
A circuit that was much maligned.                           
"Hey, I did my best                                         
But it did not pass the test."                              
I guess I'm just out of my mind.                            
                                                            
33827 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



There was a surveyor from Kent                              
Whose theodolite got rather bent.                           
The result you can see                                      
On the A423                                                 
Which never goes quite where they meant.                    
                                                            
33828 JOBS - PROFESSION              Michael Palin            



A sour-milk smelling room's not                             
A place where you want to get caught.                       
I sit here and fume                                         
In this smelly room;                                        
What crap have these lawyer types got?                      
                                                            
33829 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



Just sitting here drinking my tea;                          
I see something I did not see.                              
My cup has a ring                                           
And - Yuck! - a fly's wing.                                 
This cup sure looks dirty to me!                            
                                                            
33830 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



I'm working so hard it's obscene.                           
That's not right; how could it have been?                   
We're all fully dressed                                     
And no one is blessed                                       
With assets like some stripper queen.                       
                                                            
33831 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



When asked about fraud, Mr Hoff,                            
A funeral director, would scoff.                            
"I say thank the Lawd                                       
There's no such thing as fraud.                             
Our trade calls it a R.I.P. off."                           
                                                            
33832 JOBS - PROFESSION              Tom Patton          P0001



Professions: beliefs in a creed                             
Or jobs and a hope to succeed;                              
However defined,                                            
Regardless of kind,                                         
The motive in common is NEED.                               
                                                            
33833 JOBS - PROFESSION              R. J. Winkler       P8503



Insurance men are nowt but crooks,                          
As they try to get you on their books.                      
On your own life you're betting,                            
With no hope of getting,                                    
Your cash from their grappling-hooks.                       
                                                            
33834 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



In sailing days, ships would arrive,                        
At ports on the Mersey or Clyde,                            
And there on the quay,                                      
The wide-boys you'd see,                                    
Taking bets on just who had survived.                       
                                                            
33835 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



"Ah yes, Mr Ogg, please come in.                            
You're here for the job; we'll begin                        
By touring the site.                                        
It's all clean and bright,                                  
But the motors do make quite a din."                        
                                                            
33836 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



She wore a white lab coat, and showed                       
Me 'round, then along up the road                           
To where girl technicians                                   
Adjusted precision                                          
Devices, and past these we strode...                        
                                                            
33837 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



To the office, where, as we arrive,                         
She said: "We need people with drive,                       
Who'll play the detective,                                  
And find their objective,                                   
And boldly then on it will dive."                           
                                                            
33838 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



She sat on a high stool; her thighs                         
Exposed as the coat opened. "Guys                           
That we will appoint,                                       
Will need just a point-                                     
er, then to the challenge will rise."                       
                                                            
33839 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



Her fingertip tickled her mound,                            
And thus within seconds she found                           
My face in her lap,                                         
I needed no map,                                            
To guide me to this fertile ground."                        
                                                            
33840 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



I later await her reaction.                                 
"Yes Ogg, seems you give satisfaction.                      
I'll just have to see                                       
If my colleagues agree                                      
With the efficacy of your action."                          
                                                            
33841 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



This last remark had my mind reeling.                       
How could they all know of our dealing?                     
Then heard through the door                                 
An appreciative roar,                                       
And the camera I saw on the ceiling.                        
                                                            
33842 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



She said: "See, our girls get so stressed,                  
And sometimes get too much distressed,                      
And research has stated,                                    
'Tis best 'leviated,                                        
If genitally they are caressed."                            
                                                            
33843 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



So now I have got me a job.                                 
The work's pretty hard on the gob,                          
But I'll not complain                                       
'Til my tongue's racked with pain,                          
'Cause most of those gals lick my knob.                     
                                                            
33844 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



Hushing students, Librarian Lear                            
Whispered "Silence," and "Quiet please, dear."              
To keep them in line,                                       
She had printed a sign                                      
Warning all that "SHHH HAPPENS" here.                       
                                                            
33845 JOBS - PROFESSION              Wormdirt           TP9804



There was an old person who listed,                         
And numbered each book that existed.                        
They said to him, "Dewey!                                   
Decimals?  Phooey!"                                         
"They do have a point," he insisted.                        
                                                            
33846 JOBS - PROFESSION              Richard Long             



There once was a quiet librarian,                           
A sweet little octogenarian,                                
Who behaved with aplomb--                                   
Until she got home,                                         
Where she turned into quite a barbarian!                    
                                                            
33847 JOBS - PROFESSION              Paul Lusch          P9405



A librarian learning to cook,                               
Could not do so without her cookbook.                       
Soup, meat, and/or fish,                                    
In fact every known dish,                                   
How to cook, in her book she must look.                     
                                                            
33848 JOBS - PROFESSION              Arthur Pattaffy          



The children's librarian, Joan,                             
Has nary a child of her own.                                
But moms bring their moppets                                
To hear her do poppets:                                     
And don't pick them up till ther're grown.                  
                                                            
33849 JOBS - PROFESSION              Tom Marlowe              



A librarian of great renown,                                
Was heard to remark with a frown,                           
"Our exalted director                                       
Wields power like a sceptor--                               
The next thing he'll want is a crown!                       
                                                            
33850 JOBS - PROFESSION              Linda Kay                



I once met a guy from Glasgow                               
And this is a true story you know.                          
He couldn't speak French                                    
And this stupid wench                                       
At a bank counter, kept telling him to go.                  
                                                            
33851 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



He'd been robbed in his tent one night,                     
So woke in a terrible fright!                               
All was in wrecks                                           
And his travellers' checks                                  
Had totally disappeared from sight.                         
                                                            
33852 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



But he had written the numbers down                         
So searched for a bank in the town.                         
If Thomas Cook                                              
Was no crook,                                               
A refund would be back in his gown.                         
                                                            
33853 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



But no-one in the bank spoke "Scot"                         
And "waste time on him" they would not.                     
Then I came in,                                             
And then he did grin,                                       
'Cause he saw I'd a British passport.                       
                                                            
33854 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



I helped him French forms to fill out                       
But suddenly there was a doubt.                             
He turned to me                                             
And I did see,                                              
That on one line there was still nowt.                      
                                                            
33855 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



To the question: What's your Job? he went shy.              
He just didn't seem to want to reply.                       
Then he told me                                             
Not too boldly                                              
That he dug graves for those who die.                       
                                                            
33856 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



I told him that wasn't shameful to do                       
But (and here's what reminds me of you)                     
He asked me to write                                        
If I felt 'twas allright,                                   
That he looked after penguins in a zoo!                     
                                                            
33857 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



Truth be told now, the editor confesses;                    
To avoid great expense and worse messes,                    
Disregard what you've heard.                                
It is foolish, absurd;                                      
No one ever dared yell, "Stop the presses!".                
                                                            
33858 JOBS - PROFESSION              Loren C Fitzhugh         



Incredibly busy and keen                                    
Writing technical gubbins I've been.                        
Although home-working stuff                                 
Is exceedingly tough,                                       
I've not lost my self-discipline gene.                      
                                                            
33859 JOBS - PROFESSION                                       



A trainee hotelier from Brest                               
Said his training allowed him no rest.                      
Pursuing his trade,                                         
He'd been chef, boots and maid;                             
One thing he'd not been was a guest!                        
                                                            
33860 JOBS - PROFESSION              Arthur Pattaffy          



Another short Sunday today;                                 
Quite soon I'll be going away,                              
To work like a dog                                          
And my gray matter flog,                                    
For a minimal pittance of pay.                              
                                                            
33861 JOBS - PROFESSION              Peter Wilkins            



I hope it's a five-star hotel                               
With personal service as well;                              
But knowing my luck,                                        
In the sticks I'll be stuck                                 
In some dingy and seedy motel.                              
                                                            
33862 JOBS - PROFESSION              Peter Wilkins            



This working from home is no fun,                           
When outside there is glorious sun.                         
So I'm getting a tan,                                       
Thinking hard as I can                                      
Of excuses to leave work undone.                            
                                                            
33863 JOBS - PROFESSION              Peter Wilkins            



I guess it's now time for a beer;                           
I've a six-pack of Budweiser here.                          
(Wanders in...opens fridge,                                 
Picks up can...what's that squidge?                         
Something cold and left-over, I fear.)                      
                                                            
33864 JOBS - PROFESSION              Peter Wilkins            



An architect scaled his designs,                            
Was arrested and paid some stiff fines.                     
His blueprints were damp,                                   
'Bout the size of a stamp,                                  
And smelled of inferior wines.                              
                                                            
33865 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Millie Blonder           



"Why not build a church?" you inquire.                      
An architect can't be a liar:                               
The reason I sow                                            
Little homes in a row                                       
Is I'd rather align than aspire...                          
                                                            
33866 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Laurence Perrine    P8503



In Norway, surrounded by pig-                               
Eons, live three goats, high on a ridge;                    
A great game they'd learnt,                                 
But happy they weren't.                                     
They needed a fourth one for bridge.                        
                                                            
33867 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



This lack, on their hearts, took a toll,                    
So rousing themselves for a stroll,                         
Way down from their eyrie,                                  
'Til feeling quite weary,                                   
They came to a bridge, with a troll.                        
                                                            
33868 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



Now trolls, kids, despite what you see                      
In books, are just nice as can be,                          
Just misunderstood;                                         
And this one's real good                                    
And calls herself Rosa Trolle.                              
                                                            
33869 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



But duty means that she must call,                          
In tones rather loud: "Hey you-all!                         
That trip-trap vibration                                    
Over my habitation                                          
May cause the whole structure to fall...                    
                                                            
33870 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



...Like London's millennium folly."                         
"Hey Hey," said the goats.  "Oh how jolly!"                 
They thus with indecency                                    
Found the right frequency,                                  
And tramped, Yelling "Troll, get your brolly!"              
                                                            
33871 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



So soon then the bridge lay quite shattered;                
The troll, Rosa, cut, bruised, and battered,                
While on the far shore                                      
Where they'd ne'er been before,                             
The goats mocked and giggled and chattered.                 
                                                            
33872 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



A farmer comes in his Daihatsu;                             
"A billy goat!  I'm gonna catch you!                        
I've got a grain mill                                       
And filling the bill,                                       
To drive it, I need strength and that's you.                
                                                            
33873 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



"And nanny, we'll get milk from you;                        
And baby, I reckon you'll do                                
To make some kid gloves,                                    
Which my missus loves.                                      
And also a nice tasty stew."                                
                                                            
33874 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



And with the demise of the goats,                           
The troll looks across the great moat.                      
And gathering her wits                                      
And all of the bits                                         
Of the bridge; she soon builds her a boat.                  
                                                            
33875 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



She ferries the people across                               
That stream at a reasonable cost.                           
As business expands,                                        
She takes on more hands,                                    
And rakes in the cash as the boss.                          
                                                            
33876 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



And soon she is living real fine,                           
As head of a transport combine.                             
Owns buses and trains,                                      
Owns trucks, ships, and planes,                             
And lives in a schloss on the Rhine.                        
                                                            
33877 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



The moral?  There's plenty to choose;                       
One:  Ferrymen must have their dues.                        
Two:  Building your pile,                                   
Chose substance, not style,                                 
Or your reputation you'll lose.                             
(in honor of the millennium footbridge shut down 2000)      
33878 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Tiddy                    



A great architectural joss                                  
Who rejoiced in the name of De Swoss                        
Said, "I'd like to embellish                                
My buildings with trellish,                                 
And as many jazz colors as poss.                            
                                                            
33879 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  F J Osborne       (Bibby)



An architect living in Wessex                               
Constructed some houses in Essex;                           
His custom built splits,                                    
With his clients, were hits,                                
But his best were some grand geodesics.                     
                                                            
33880 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Cap'n Bean          P0900



I hope that dad's job is okay.                              
I heard, on my way out to play,                             
He couldn't erect,                                          
But he's an architect.                                      
Poor dad, he'll get it up some day.                         
                                                            
33881 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT  Pthirus                  



I hear that this same idiotic                               
Firm of architects towers erotic                            
By willing the bankers                                      
For something they hankers:                                 
A building that's gherkin psychotic.                        
                                                            
33882 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT                           



A young man who lived in Home Hale,                         
Went to Acle one day for the sale.                          
He waved to his mate,                                       
And discovered too late,                                    
He had purchased five acres of kale.                        
                                                            
33883 JOBS - SALES                   Ida Thurtle              



There is simply is no way of hiding,                        
From groups that deserve a good chiding.                    
They're the ones we know well,                              
They're trying to sell,                                     
That GOD-DAMNED aluminum siding.                            
                                                            
33884 JOBS - SALES                   Margaret A. Murdock P8301



When the shower is where I'm residing,                      
With soap and water delighting,                             
Then of all things,                                         
The telephone rings;                                        
They're selling aluminum siding.                            
                                                            
33885 JOBS - SALES                   Tom Patton          P9611



Today's auto dealer we hail.                                
He gives us back cash on each sale.                         
A pauper we wot of                                          
Bought Audis, a lot of,                                     
And put his twelve children through Yale.                   
(wot - to have knowledge of)                                
33886 JOBS - SALES                   Jennifer Young      P8805



A seller of cars in Duluth                                  
Would first get his man in a booth                          
By swearing they had                                        
The cars in the ad,                                         
Before he starts bending the truth.                         
                                                            
33887 JOBS - SALES                   Irving Superior     P9709



When I took my first job in a store,                        
Day by day I picked up more and more.                       
Looking back on my life                                     
With a child and a wife,                                    
Life is good but those days were a bore.                    
                                                            
33888 JOBS - SALES                   Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a woman from Redding,                        
Who decided to shop for some bedding.                       
Her reason, "I say                                          
When I hit the hay,                                         
I want something that will not be shedding."                
                                                            
33889 JOBS - SALES                   Keera A. Fox             



There was a car salesman named Neville,                     
Who felt that he was a young devil.                         
As his sales figures soared,                                
They weren't all above board.                               
He wished he could sell on the level.                       
                                                            
33890 JOBS - SALES                   Arthur Pattaffy          



At the Market, the best line for me                         
Is the one where no check writers be.                       
In a humorous flash                                         
I asked, "Do you take cash?"                                
Said the clerk, "Yes, with proper I.D."                     
                                                            
33891 JOBS - SALES                   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



A couple named Raylene and Waylon,                          
Were particularly partial to Draylon.                       
They went to Levine's                                       
To squander their means,                                    
For they had a half-price Draylon sale on.                  
                                                            
33892 JOBS - SALES                   Maxine Stephen           



A publishing expert named Vann                              
Explaining his two-for-one plan,                            
"By selling half price,                                     
We'll sell more than twice                                  
Our revised Encyclo Britan."                                
                                                            
33893 JOBS - SALES                   Irving Superior     P8503



Lost their lease? Read the print that is fine.              
For example, consider this sign:                            
"WE WILL BOARD UP OUR DOOR                                  
TODAY PROMPTLY AT FOUR!                                     
(And then open tomorrow at nine)."                          
                                                            
33894 JOBS - SALES                   William N. Nesbit   P9709



A young girl came to live in Vancouver;                     
A change from her home town of Suva.                        
She spoke English so well,                                  
A commercial bombshell,                                     
She became a saleslady for Hoover.                          
                                                            
33895 JOBS - SALES                   Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow from Wapping                       
Who found two live slugs in his shopping.                   
The girl at the till                                        
Took them both off the bill                                 
And went on to the next without stopping.                   
                                                            
33896 JOBS - SALES                   Michael Palin            



Hey, wait, don't be in such a rush,                         
(I'd better say this with a hush...);                       
Remember that lad,                                          
He didn't do bad --                                         
The ladies sure loved Fuller's brush.                       
                                                            
33897 JOBS - SALES                                            



If you have some cash you would shell,                      
I have a good mattress to sell;                             
It outlasted three                                          
Great husbands (dear me!);                                  
They're off it -- but not their sweet smell!                
                                                            
33898 JOBS - SALES                                            



I also have one piece of china                              
That once was a gift from Aunt Ina;                         
A vase for fresh flowers                                    
Which she used for hours                                    
To thrust in her lonely vagina.                             
                                                            
33899 JOBS - SALES                   Gertrude Pippin          



For your sale, now what can I say?                          
These days I must give it away.                             
But when I was younger,                                     
I could rip them asunder.                                   
Thank goodness they liked it that way.                      
                                                            
33900 JOBS - SALES                                            



So alas I have nothing to sell,                             
Unless it is talent, ah well.                               
That's all gone to pot,                                     
So that is my lot;                                          
I'm done now so please ring the bell.                       
                                                            
33901 JOBS - SALES                                            



She's out dear.  I'm holding the fort.                      
Come in, sit you down, have a port.                         
Then you can be telling                                     
Just what you are selling.                                  
Is it Tupperware?  Things of that sort?                     
                                                            
33902 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy Ogg                



Indeed!  You don't say?  Well I'm blowed!                   
You say this stuff's all al a mode?                         
What's VPL?  Yes,                                           
Can't be seen 'neath the dress.                             
I think, dear, it's time that I showed...                   
                                                            
33903 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy Ogg                



...The way to the top of the house,                         
When this, clearly seen trough my trous-                    
Ers shows you it's stuff,                                   
It's sure pleased enough                                    
Young fillies, fair ewes, and old cows.                     
                                                            
33904 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy Ogg                



Now don't tell me, please, that you're shocked.             
I'm not one to go off half cocked.                          
If you wear such garm-                                      
Ents, hoping to charm,                                      
It's a damn certain bet, you'll get focked!                 
                                                            
33905 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy Ogg                



A realtor said, "Make no mistake,                           
Your property's no piece of cake.                           
It is rottenly sited                                        
In a district that's blighted,                              
So give it away, for my sake!"                              
                                                            
33906 JOBS - SALES                   X. Rowland Burnham  P8512



He purchased a stone manuscript,                            
Purportedly found in a crypt.                               
After weeks he had waited                                   
To have it translated,                                      
On rock it was chipped, "You've been gypped!"               
                                                            
33907 JOBS - SALES                   Lim-R-iddle         P8503



There once was an Indian prince,                            
Sold hot dogs for ninety-nine cents.                        
His green card in detail                                    
Reads "Marketing - Retail":                                 
It's a Quickee-Mart for his Eminence!                       
                                                            
33908 JOBS - SALES                   S Ross              T9801



A travelling salesman called Lloyd                          
Was known as a man to avoid.                                
The horrified stares                                        
As he showed off his wares                                  
Was a sight that he clearly enjoyed                         
                                                            
33909 JOBS - SALES                   Michael Palin            



A HUCKSTER oft calls on the phone                           
To refinance my mortgage loan,                              
Or say, "You're a winner!"                                  
While I'm eating dinner                                     
Or in the bathroom on the throne!                           
                                                            
33910 JOBS - SALES                   Observer                 



Oh, the slick salesman, the HUCKSTER,                       
Would have us see an "aw, shuckster"                        
Whose only object:                                          
To help collect                                             
The biggest bang for the buckster.                          
                                                            
33911 JOBS - SALES                   Daniel Ford              



HUCKSTERS call at inopportune times,                        
I get mad...my blood pressure climbs,                       
But what I most hate,                                       
And makes me irate,                                         
Is...when I'm composing my rhymes.                          
                                                            
33912 JOBS - SALES                   Observer                 



On incoming mail, pick your pest.                           
"Our credit card company's best."                           
"Our HMO's got..."                                          
"Our burial plot..."                                        
"Donate and your soul will be blest."                       
                                                            
33913 JOBS - SALES                   Irving Superior     P9611



I once knew a guy called Ike Freeman,                       
He was our young mobile ice cream man!                      
When the girls heard his chimes,                            
They ran out with their dimes,                              
To meet their ideal daytime dream man!!                     
                                                            
33914 JOBS - SALES                   Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a car dealer named Slickback,                     
Who sold a big car to young Rickback.                       
Then from goodness of heart,                                
A bank loan he did start,                                   
And the bank gave dear Slickback a kickback.                
                                                            
33915 JOBS - SALES                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2795



On TV, I saw "Honest Jack";                                 
With lying, the guy had a knack.                            
"It's a low mileage car;                                    
Two percent APR."                                           
And the best lie of all is "cash back."                     
                                                            
33916 JOBS - SALES                   Al Willis           P9709



The shopping malls have me in stitches,                     
With what I call "Holiday Glitches";                        
There's no separation                                       
In their decoration                                         
Of Christmas trees, turkeys, and witches.                   
                                                            
33917 JOBS - SALES                   Travis Brasell           



A modern young lady called Rita,                            
Buys ribbon and cloth by the meter.                         
She get bacon and ham                                       
Weighed out by the gram                                     
And orders her milk by the liter.                           
                                                            
33918 JOBS - SALES                   W A Dodd                 



No more milk. I just had to wait                            
For the guy. He was two hours late.                         
Said the milkman with glee,                                 
"'Twas the last house, you see;                             
I gave to her a special rate."                              
                                                            
33919 JOBS - SALES                   Pilar                    



A chic chick from Milan, Italy,                             
Says, "Vat ees all zees talk of debris?                     
I shop teel I drop --                                       
Ess a million a pop --                                      
At zee Boutique Oleg Cassini."                              
                                                            
33920 JOBS - SALES                   Jim Weaver Collection    



The company that I now work for,                            
Is kicking half of us out the door.                         
Sales are so sparse,                                        
We're out on our arse,                                      
Unless orders return again once more.                       
                                                            
33921 JOBS - SALES                   Funny Bone               



The milkman did not care a bit                              
When cold spells his milk truck did hit.                    
Though the bottles did shatter                              
He said, "It's no matter,                                   
I don't cry over milk that is split."                       
                                                            
33922 JOBS - SALES                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2450



It seems, every day without fail,                           
Many catalogs come in the mail.                             
And I order with greed                                      
Things I don't even need,                                   
And I don't even wait for a sale!                           
                                                            
33923 JOBS - SALES                   Cap'n Bean          P9812



When those Pepsi folks offered the Harrier,                 
Getting points wasn't even a barrier.                       
Now my order is placed                                      
And I'm waiting, in haste,                                  
For the battleship, sub, and the carrier!                   
(Pepsi joked get enough points for a Harrier)               
33924 JOBS - SALES                   Limerick Man             



To his wife, said a salesman named Jack,                    
"I'll be gone for a month, so I'll pack.                    
But if I should appear                                      
While I'm gone, be a dear                                   
And please hold me until I get back."                       
                                                            
33925 JOBS - SALES                   Al Chaplin          P9408



"Good day, Mr Ogg, my name's Jenny,                         
From Bowater Zenith. How many                               
Fine windows, twin-glazed,                                  
Would you like replaced,                                    
And maybe you'll not pay for any?"                          
                                                            
33926 JOBS - SALES                                            



"Hi Jenny, you really sound cute,                           
I reckon you must be a beaut.                               
Are you sitting nude,                                       
And thinking thoughts lewd,                                 
Of playing a tune on my flute?"                             
                                                            
33927 JOBS - SALES                                            



"No sir, but we offer you scores                            
Of porches and plastic front doors."                        
"Now Jenny, don't tease;                                    
Come over here, please;                                     
We'll have a fine romp on the floor."                       
                                                            
33928 JOBS - SALES                                            



"I'll get a designer to call,                               
To show the designs of them all..."                         
"No Jen, just we two,                                       
Can find things to do,                                      
Stripped naked, I'll give you a maul."                      
                                                            
33929 JOBS - SALES                                            



"Then sir, how about this wall coat...?"                    
"Oh get here, and fondle my scrote;                         
I bet that you're pining                                    
For hot sixty-nining;                                       
My pecker would tickle your throat."                        
                                                            
33930 JOBS - SALES                                            



"...Well, maybe I'll come see your prick,                   
But with me I'll bring my friend Rick.                      
He'll crush up your nuts,                                   
Stuff your head up your butt,                               
Since he's built like a shithouse of brick."                
                                                            
33931 JOBS - SALES                                            



The "50% off" amd "lowest price,"                           
Will thrifty folk often entice,                             
Who face each tempter                                       
With "caveat emptor,"                                       
And read all the small printing twice.                      
                                                            
33932 JOBS - SALES                   Irving Superior     P9709



A hard-working salesman named Dave                          
Who at work did always behave                               
Is no more for hire,                                        
And will now retire                                         
From the job to which he's a slave.                         
                                                            
33933 JOBS - SALES                   Dick Hull                



Hey folks, don't you think it's a bitch,                    
When a con-artist comes, tries to stitch                    
You up?  Chuck some tar                                     
Over him and his car,                                       
And say "That's a proper sales pitch."                      
                                                            
33934 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy Ogg                



An insurance salesman named Flint,                          
Said with a satisfied squint,                               
"Don't try to collect;                                      
You ought to have checked.                                  
I excluded that clause in small print."                     
                                                            
33935 JOBS - SALES                   Charles Barsotti         



A little Girl Scout sold some cookies,                      
But didn't keep very good bookies.                          
Folks who promised to pay,                                  
In the night stole away,                                    
And the little girl got treated like crookies.              
                                                            
33936 JOBS - SALES                   Warrick Elrod            



An old man at a church rummage sale                         
Told his wife, "Common sense must prevail!"                 
Then the crazy old coot                                     
Bought a seersucker suit,                                   
And six liters of stale ginger ale.                         
                                                            
33937 JOBS - SALES                   Observer           TP9901



In protest, I raise this small poster:                      
The Market's a mad roller-coaster;                          
Though the prices go higher,                                
Some stocks find a buyer--                                  
The Board just won't act like it's sposter.                 
                                                            
33938 JOBS - SALES                   Norm Storer              



There's tales told from Hove to Hoboken,                    
And usually by sailors they're spoken,                      
Of man leaving lover,                                       
Much cash to discover,                                      
And leaving some old broken token.                          
                                                            
33939 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



For those who have not heard the phrase:                    
Some item is split 'fore he strays;                         
One half's in her locket,                                   
The rest in his pocket,                                     
As sign they'll meet in future days.                        
                                                            
33940 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



Young Charlie has boots way too tight.                      
And just before sailing that night,                         
Those boots he will drop                                    
At the cobbler's shop.                                      
Sees the daughter...It's love at first sight.               
                                                            
33941 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



She smiles at him; says "Yes, that's fine."                 
Gets him ticket 609,                                        
And gives him one part.                                     
With trembling heart,                                       
He says, "Well I'm off up the Rhine...                      
                                                           I
33942 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



"...I'm sure that it won't take a week.                     
And when I return I shall seek                              
To come to the door                                         
Of this excellent store.                                    
For while I'm away, 'twill be bleak."                       
                                                            
33943 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



The ship it got lost in the fog.                            
The helmsman gets drunk on his grog.                        
They land in Batavia,                                       
Sudan and Australia,                                        
And then through the Doldrums they slog.                    
                                                            
33944 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



The voyage it goes on ten year;                             
And though all his shipmates do jeer,                       
Our Charlie won't sport                                     
With the tarts in each port.                                
His love is so pure and sincere.                            
                                                            
33945 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



At last, home!  With nerves all a-blaze,                    
To the shop, on her face he doth gaze.                      
He gives her the stub,                                      
She sniffs, "Hang on, bub,                                  
Don't push.  Give us fourteen more days."                   
                                                            
33946 JOBS - SALES                   Tiddy                    



A call from telemerchandise,                                
I answer "You have a surprise.                              
I'm a 900 number.                                           
Let your lust disencumber;                                  
I'm Bull-Stud, let's phantasize."                           
                                                            
33947 JOBS - SALES                   Jim Jambor          P9105



For all of its whistles and bells,                          
Most modern technology smells.                              
The creed, "Do it fast                                      
E're the market is past;                                    
Barely saleable quality sells!"                             
                                                            
33948 JOBS - SALES                   John Miller 0032         



A salesman out on Route 64                                  
Finds a farmhouse, and knocks on the door:                  
"I've a bit of a plight,                                    
Need a room for the night."                                 
Now stop me is you've heard this before.                    
                                                            
33949 JOBS - SALES                   Tom Accousti             



The farmer, from good country folk,                         
Thought a moment or two 'fore he spoke.                     
"Sure, you could share a bed                                
With my teenage boy, Fred."                                 
"Your son?  Damn, I'm in the wrong joke!"                   
                                                            
33950 JOBS - SALES                   Tom Accousti             



A door-to-door salesgirl called Tina                        
Tried to sell all her clients a cleaner.                    
As the front doors she pounded,                             
Rejections abounded.                                        
She gave up as her waistline grew leaner.                   
                                                            
33951 JOBS - SALES                   Arthur Pattaffy          



The vending machines trapped Miss Beth,                     
And left her devoid of all breath.                          
She bought coffee and cokes,                                
And parking and smokes;                                     
They nickled and dimed her to death.                        
                                                            
33952 JOBS - SALES                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2445



The warning is clear: Do not chaffer                        
When paying for shelter much safer.                         
At the front you will save;                                 
At the end you will rave:                                   
"You always get crap that you pay fer!"                     
                                                            
33953 JOBS - SALES                                            



I called up my service provider                             
And said, "Wish my bandwidth was wider."                    
A rep, Martha Mabel,                                        
Then hooked up my cable --                                  
My bandwidth got wider inside 'er!                          
                                                            
33954 JOBS - SALES                   Gearhart                 



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Said to Scrooge "Try my sweetmeats - they're dandy"         
"Bah Humbug!", he snorted,                                  
To which our heroine retorted,                              
"No bars, only drops - they're more handy!"                 
                                                            
33955 JOBS - SALES                   Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll be giving my thanks with cheer,                        
For plenty of good wine and beer,                           
And food that I'll share,                                   
And my tits I'll bare,                                      
If you'll give me a job next year.                          
                                                            
33956 JOBS - SEARCHING               Carol                    



But why wait till next year my dear?                        
You've always a job waiting here                            
Just hop on a bus                                           
And your pay we'll discuss                                  
As your stuff buffs the length of my gear!                  
                                                            
33957 JOBS - SEARCHING                                        



Your hired if a horse you can break,                        
And dredge out the slime from the lake,                     
And run a barbed wire,                                      
And build a huge fire,                                      
And if my 12 inches you'll take!                            
                                                            
33958 JOBS - SEARCHING                                        



That's me, I fell into your lake,                           
While dredging the slime and the slake,                     
Hoping to get work,                                         
As a new ranch clerk,                                       
Now where's that horse I'm s'pose to break?                 
                                                            
33959 JOBS - SEARCHING                                        



A thousand dear pardons, me begs,                           
For leaving you dredging the dregs;                         
And, "Where is that horse?"                                 
You know where, of course,                                  
It's here -- right betwixt my old legs.                     
                                                            
33960 JOBS - SEARCHING                                        



As the economy takes some dips,                             
The NASDAQ starts doing flop flips,                         
Making truck sales slump,                                   
So I need a jump;                                           
I'm looking for job hunting tips.                           
                                                            
33961 JOBS - SEARCHING               Carol                    



Well, do like an old friend of mine;                        
She's out every morning by nine.                            
And on her two feet,                                        
She takes to the street,                                    
With "I'll work for food" on her sign.                      
                                                            
33962 JOBS - SEARCHING               Travis Brasell           



The victim of job elimination?                              
Go south, girl, and end the frustration                     
Of men, with the broads                                     
That hang out at Maudes,                                    
But guard against insemination.                             
                                                            
33963 JOBS - SEARCHING               Tiddy Ogg                



The jobs on my ranch, as most know,                         
Require all the girls to stoop low,                         
And build an erection                                       
Without much direction,                                     
With job skills like 'hand' or a 'blow.'                    
                                                            
33964 JOBS - SEARCHING               Travis Brasell           



Cowpox we now have and cowflies,                            
And pasturelands full of cowpies.                           
But I've just one regret;                                   
That Carol ain't yet                                        
A cowgirl who'll spread her cowthighs.                      
                                                            
33965 JOBS - SEARCHING               Travis Brasell           



I know you ain't saying my thighs,                          
Are as big as a cow's in size.                              
So hon, if I straddle                                       
Your fine leather saddle,                                   
Will it help me to get a nice rise?                         
                                                            
33966 JOBS - SEARCHING               Travis Brasell           



Forget the damn saddle -- ride bareback!                    
And hold on to the mane and then rareback.                  
To raise on the rise                                        
By squeezing your thighs                                    
And pulling your short, curly hair back.                    
                                                            
33967 JOBS - SEARCHING               Travis Brasell           



I'm sorry to hear of her plight;                            
We ought to go visit and smite                              
Her boss on the head,                                       
Though Carol has said,                                      
It's stuck up his ass, out of sight!                        
                                                            
33968 JOBS - SEARCHING               Tiddy Ogg                



That's exactly right where his brains are;                  
Stuck up his ass very far.                                  
His whole head is brown;                                    
He will shut us down;                                       
Runs the company like he's the czar.                        
                                                            
33969 JOBS - SEARCHING               Carol                    



Like some skinflint scroogie mean beast,                    
He canceled our Thanksgiving feast.                         
And no Christmas party.                                     
He stabbed us in the heart, he                              
Said the company's Santa's deceased.                        
                                                            
33970 JOBS - SEARCHING               Carol                    



That damned SOB boss of yours                               
Sounds as if his boat's short a few oars.                   
When they gave out brains,                                  
He missed all the trains,                                   
To the place where they gave them, of course.               
                                                            
33971 JOBS - SEARCHING               Jon Gearhart             



If job-hunting tips you still seek,                         
And prospects are looking too bleak,                        
Just hop on a bus                                           
And come and discuss                                        
Positions with me for a week.                               
                                                            
33972 JOBS - SEARCHING               Jon Gearhart             



I was wrong!  You're a good caring teacher.                 
I am such an ungrateful young creature!                     
Will you teach me 'bout sex                                 
Since the time of T Rex?                                    
Please have mercy on me, your beseecher!                    
                                                            
33973 JOBS - TEACHER                 Ward Hardman             



"I now know that it wasn't cool                             
To call you, dear teacher, a fool.                          
I'm sorry I said it,                                        
And now I regret it.                                        
So please let me come back to school!"                      
                                                            
33974 JOBS - TEACHER                 Observer                 



A professor that everyone knows,                            
In places where nobody goes,                                
He dreams of a meeting,                                     
No matter how fleeting,                                     
With a real anthology of pros!                              
                                                            
33975 JOBS - TEACHERS                Sam Pittman              



That teacher you saw in the clink,                          
Was arrested by pundits who think,                          
"By failing our kids,                                       
You injure their ids.                                       
We're OK, they're OK, but you stink!"                       
                                                            
33976 JOBS - TEACHERS                Cybergeezer              



A major in English is she --                                
Dotting each 'I'; crossing 'T''s.                           
Assuming illiteracy                                         
If you're over age three,                                   
I know she will never catch me!                             
                                                            
33977 JOBS - TEACHERS                Karyn Robbins            



The headmaster said, "Boy, you're lazy.                     
You have no more cares than a daisy.                        
By use of your power,                                       
You could be a sunflower."                                  
That's right, the old duffer was crazy.                     
                                                            
33978 JOBS - TEACHERS                Tiddy Ogg                



The unruly class all fell mute                              
While meeting the new substitute.                           
Except I was bold                                           
When I stood and told                                       
The class that I thought she was cute.                      
                                                            
33979 JOBS - TEACHERS                Frank              TP9807



Quite quickly, my ear she had caught.                       
No matter how hard I had fought,                            
She pulled me from the room.                                
But all wasn't gloom,                                       
'Twas sex education she taught.                             
                                                            
33980 JOBS - TEACHERS                Frank              TP9807



My teachers, all born with a pair                           
Of eyes in the rear, 'neath their hair,                     
Could identify havoc                                        
Whene'er I'd run amok.                                      
It used to seem very unfair.                                
                                                            
33981 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



There was a young teacher confessed,                        
That she might, just the once, have caressed                
Or perhaps made a pass,                                     
At a lad in her class;                                      
She gave marks out of ten to the rest.                      
                                                            
33982 JOBS - TEACHERS                Richard Long             



If you want to learn how, join a class.                     
To cook, speak, or potter in brass.                         
An apple for teacher                                        
May help you to reach her.                                  
If you're lucky, you might rate a pass!                     
                                                            
33983 JOBS - TEACHERS                Arthur Pattaffy          



Once when a teacher named Leach,                            
Tried good grammar her students to teach,                   
She said, "Quick as a wink,                                 
I can tell what you think,                                  
For your thoughts are betrayed by your speech."             
                                                            
33984 JOBS - TEACHERS                Don Monson               



There was a young infant called Jules,                      
Who decided to break all life's rules.                      
When told "That's not done,"                                
He said "He wanted fun,                                     
Whatever they taught him in schools!"                       
                                                            
33985 JOBS - TEACHERS                Arthur Pattaffy          



I remember a teacher named Peel,                            
Who looked very much like a seal.                           
But her heart was pure gold --                              
That's what I was told...                                   
So I sold her and made a good deal!                         
                                                            
33986 JOBS - TEACHERS                Sandra Ziegler      P9803



A teacher who taught in Darjeeling                          
Was totally lacking in feeling.                             
She would smack little boys                                 
When they made too much noise                               
And send them all home loudly squealing.                    
                                                            
33987 JOBS - TEACHERS                Peter Hodge              



How gross an effrontry I made.                              
The real fool was something I played.                       
I must be off-center,                                       
Insulting my mentor.                                        
I hope that it won't hurt my grade.                         
                                                            
33988 JOBS - TEACHERS                Richard Hurwitz          



I just got the name of a teacher,                           
It's difficult, though, now to reach 'er;                   
She's quite in demand,                                      
As I understand,                                            
Because she's a lovely, young creature!                     
                                                            
33989 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



I felt a certain alarm                                      
When I first became a schoolmarm.                           
In front of the class                                       
Just like a jackass,                                        
I somehow felt I lacked charm.                              
                                                            
33990 JOBS - TEACHERS                Baxter Sperry       P0111



To his teacher a student once said,                         
"Sir I think you are out of your head.                      
What a fool you must be                                     
If you criticize me!                                        
I should be teaching English instead.                       
                                                            
33991 JOBS - TEACHERS                Ellsworth Barnard   P9802



"I perceive," was the ready reply,                          
"There's a Biblical beam in your eye.                       
You had best pluck it out,                                  
Or without any doubt,                                       
In this course you will never get by.                       
                                                            
33992 JOBS - TEACHERS                Ellsworth Barnard   P9802



"It occurs to me, though, thinking twice,                   
That you're just trying not to be 'nice'.                   
And if such is your aim,                                    
You're not too much to blame,                               
Although insults more mild would suffice.                   
                                                            
33993 JOBS - TEACHERS                Ellsworth Barnard   P9802



"Or it may be that psychoanalysis                           
Would display me entangled in fallacies.                    
That through passions repressed                             
And desires unconfessed,                                    
Your politeness has suffered paralysis.                     
                                                            
33994 JOBS - TEACHERS                Ellsworth Barnard   P9802



"At any rate, hark to a fable,                              
And interpret it if you are able,                           
Of the dinosaur bold                                        
Who existed of old                                          
And had manners like Cain's toward Abel.                    
                                                            
33995 JOBS - TEACHERS                Ellsworth Barnard   P9802



"All the rest of the creatures would flee 'em;              
'Twas a fearsome experience to see 'em.                     
But his brain was unused,                                   
And to learn he refused,                                    
And his bones now are in a museum."                         
                                                            
33996 JOBS - TEACHERS                Ellsworth Barnard   P9802



How many times must I tell you?                             
How difficult it is to sell you.                            
Education is grand                                          
Anywhere in the land.                                       
The one that it helps is, well, YOU!                        
                                                            
33997 JOBS - TEACHERS                Old Gal                  



One time my Lit teacher, Ms. Mello,                         
Was wearing a tight blouse of yellow.                       
I could see her nips,                                       
Bulging like pinky tips,                                    
So I asked for help with my Longfellow.                     
                                                            
33998 JOBS - TEACHERS                Jon Gearhart             



Said the pretty young teacher in Meacham,                   
"Young students -- it's so hard to reach 'em.               
The girls primp their hair                                  
Like they really don't care,                                
But the boys don't forget what I teach 'em."                
                                                            
33999 JOBS - TEACHERS                John E Mayhood      P9805



A teacher of music, Miss Blatt                              
Gives good lessons although she is fat.                     
With patience and prudence                                  
She sit on her students --                                  
If they don't C# they'll B flat.                            
                                                            
34000 JOBS - TEACHERS                Irving Superior     P8811



A young student who went to night classes,                  
Found that he didn't even rate passes.                      
When he paid his next fee,                                  
He said "I don't see."                                      
His lecturer said, "Try wearing glasses."                   
                                                            
34001 JOBS - TEACHERS                Arthur Pattaffy          



A bevy of beautiful teachers                                
Astonished the crowd with some features.                    
Then the cheerleader died                                   
While getting pie-eyed.                                     
Not a dry handkerchief in the bleachers.                    
                                                            
34002 JOBS - TEACHERS                Andy Sorenson       P9009



At an exam an invigilator                                   
Was asked, "Please Miss, what's the equator?"               
She replied "I don't know."                                 
The kids told her to go;                                    
She went straight to her defibrillator!                     
                                                            
34003 JOBS - TEACHERS                Arthur Pattaffy          



When he snuck up and sprayed her with paint                 
Johnny's teacher had little complaint:                      
"Though hardly too gallant                                  
Little Johnny shows talent                                  
And the choice of his canvas is quaint."                    
                                                            
34004 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



I've opened the door twice today;                           
Gone out, heard the children at play.                       
An uplifting sound,                                         
Wind-borne from the grounds                                 
Of the school that's a half-mile away.                      
                                                            
34005 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



So come sir, we'll go a bit closer;                         
No, not the girls' changing room, no sir!                   
Watch Sally and Claire,                                     
A mischievous pair,                                         
With Kevin, who's quite a young poser.                      
                                                            
34006 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



Well, really he's just a young wanker;                      
He's pullled out his youthful palankrt,                     
Now look, Sally's kissed it;                                
Watch Claire pull and twist it.                             
He's come and he won't even thank her!                      
                                                            
34007 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



And over there - Thomas and George,                         
With marbles, a new game they forge;                        
Veronica's lied                                             
With legs open wide,                                        
And the marbles they aim at her gorge.                      
                                                            
34008 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



And here is the teacher Fred B.,                            
He loves taking girls for PE.                               
He'll stroke each young bottom,                             
Through shorts of thin cotton,                              
And gets them to fondle his tree.                           
                                                            
34009 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



And outside the gate is old Scraggs,                        
Who sells the kids pot and cheap fags,                      
And offers to each,                                         
All those things they can't reach,                          
From the newsagent's top-shelf porn mags.                   
                                                            
34010 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



And currently, he's a top seller,                           
A mag showing pics of Miss Stella,                          
The history teacher,                                        
With Arnold the preacher,                                   
And dogs, having fun in a cellar.                           
                                                            
34011 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



So really, an average day,                                  
There's really no more I can say.                           
We make our own fun.                                        
When all's said and done.                                   
A boring old time down our way.                             
                                                            
34012 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



My teacher in Primary one,                                  
Had breath like an old badgers bum;                         
Her teeth were all yellow,                                  
And Mrs Goodfellow                                          
Was no singer, but she could sure hum!                      
                                                            
34013 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



Abby loves dearly to teach;                                 
She'd rather teach than to preach.                          
Assumes her teaching pose,                                  
Glasses far down on her nose,                               
The conclusion we reach, she's a peach!                     
                                                            
34014 JOBS - TEACHERS                Thomas Ratliff      P0304



Said the middle-school teacher Miss Kemper                  
To her students: "Who shouted, 'Sic semper                  
Tyrannis in ludo?'                                          
Then ran through class nude-o?                              
He'll soon have me losing my temper!"                       
                                                            
34015 JOBS - TEACHERS                Vassar Smith        P9712



An advanced electronic computer                             
Was hired by a girl as a tutor.                             
Her previous tries                                          
Had been college-trained guys,                              
But for work, she required something neuter.                
                                                            
34016 JOBS - TEACHERS                Isaac Asimov             



A teacher of boys in Dundee                                 
Has no classroom disruptions. You see                       
He's found the corrective                                   
That's proved most effective;                               
S-p-a-n-k-i-n-g!                                            
                                                            
34017 JOBS - TEACHERS                Vassar W. Smith     P9305



A tack that weighs less than an ounce                       
Makes a teacher most readily bounce                         
From his dignified chair,                                   
Seize a boy by the hair                                     
And give his a terrible trounce.                            
                                                            
34018 JOBS - TEACHERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A lewd latin teacher named Marts                            
Knew how to impress female hearts;                          
He taught the girls verbs,                                  
Explained nouns like "urbs,"                                
And showed them his principal parts.                        
                                                            
34019 JOBS - TEACHERS                Armand E Singer       780



My young schoolteacher's all about joy;                     
What a tutor for this horny boy!                            
In the cloakroom, my fuse                                   
Sure gets lit; we abuse                                     
My erect educational toy!                                   
                                                            
34020 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



Now some may show their dismay                              
At my rather pornographic display;                          
I learned from a teach                                      
The freedom of speech,                                      
And frankly, that's all I can say.                          
                                                            
34021 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



Mrs. Browning went to the zoo;                              
Her class went with her too.                                
They stayed there for ages,                                 
Locked up in cages--                                        
Come see the exhibit; it's new!                             
                                                            
34022 JOBS - TEACHERS                Michelle                 



There was a young teacher of Breaulieu                      
Whose pupils were wild and unruly.                          
"Be silent!" he mewed,                                      
"You are terribly rude                                      
And are causing a riot unduly!"                             
                                                            
34023 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



A teacher of English from Surrey,                           
Whom nothing could fluster or worry,                        
Recited conjunctions                                        
At dinners and functions,                                   
Which made people leave in a hurry.                         
                                                            
34024 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



I hate to get up every day.                                 
I'd much rather stay home and play,                         
Than go to that school                                      
And teach some darn fool.                                   
But what keeps me going? -- The pay.                        
                                                            
34025 JOBS - TEACHERS                Julia Strawn        P8808



There was an old teacher, Miss May,                         
Whose brain had begun to give way.                          
Pupils' names she forgot,                                   
But that bothered her not,                                  
For she simply addressed them as "Hey!"                     
                                                            
34026 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



One thing can be stated as fact:                            
More teachers have now been attacked                        
Than ever before.                                           
Still it is poor                                            
To call the whole thing, a class act.                       
                                                            
34027 JOBS - TEACHERS                Macsam                   



A teacher whose name was Haldane                            
Thought his class was a terrible pain.                      
He ranted and raved,                                        
But they jumped, stamped and waved                          
And drove him completely insane.                            
                                                            
34028 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



There once was a lama from Asia                             
Whose students said, "Nothing dismasia.                     
You seem quite at home                                      
In Stutgart or Rome                                         
With effortless paranomasia."                               
                                                            
34029 JOBS - TEACHERS                The See Saw         P8912



A pretty young teacher named Beecham,                       
Said, "These awful boys! How shall I teach 'em.             
I try to look grave,                                        
But they will not behave,                                   
Though with tears in my eyes, I beseech 'em."               
                                                            
34030 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



There once was a fine music teacher,                        
With one undistinguishing feature.                          
Whether young or old,                                       
All her students were told,                                 
They were good, and all did believe her.                    
                                                            
34031 JOBS - TEACHERS                Larry Dahl               



I suppose you could call me a teacher,                      
That misunderstood, underpaid creature;                     
This profession's a bummer,                                 
But you're free in the summer --                            
That's the job's most enjoyable feature.                    
                                                            
34032 JOBS - TEACHERS                Robin K. Willoughby P8503



Our schoolmadam's feelings were tender.                     
Some topics of talk would offend her.                       
If we talked about sex,                                     
She'd be down on our necks,                                 
Yet she constantly talked about gender.                     
                                                            
34033 JOBS - TEACHERS                Laurence Perrine    P8802



At school on my French teacher's chair                      
I once placed a small thumb-tack, aware                     
He would sit.  When he did,                                 
He fair blew his lid,                                       
Shouting, "Zut! Venez ici, Pierre."                         
                                                            
34034 JOBS - TEACHERS                                         



There's a teacher from old Monterey                         
Who can lecture all night and all day                       
On topics diverse.                                          
And what is much worse,                                     
He really has nothing to say!                               
                                                            
34035 JOBS - TEACHERS                Lynn Mostafa             



A young English teacher of note                             
Wore a new hole in his coat                                 
At the elbow, it seems,                                     
Grading poor English themes.                                
How awful them kids must of wrote.!                         
                                                            
34036 JOBS - TEACHERS                Yarg               TP9802



To the barber I went for a haircut,                         
I told him I wanted a fair-cut.                             
I woke from a snooze,                                       
Jumped out of my shoes                                      
When I saw I was shorn to a bare cut!                       
                                                            
34037 JOBS - UNIONS                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old barber from Hythe,                         
Who shaved stubbly chins with a scythe.                     
He said, "It comes cheaper                                  
Than using a reaper,                                        
Though it does make the customers writhe."                  
                                                            
34038 JOBS - UNIONS                                           



A barber in old Galipoli,                                   
Who shaved only heads of the holy,                          
Grew tires of sconces,                                      
And Latin responses,                                        
And switched to maternities solely.                         
(sconces - flat candlesticks)                               
34039 JOBS - UNIONS                                           



There once was a barber of Kew,                             
Who went very mad at the zoo;                               
He tried to enamel                                          
The face of the camel,                                      
And gave the brown bear a shampoo.                          
                                                            
34040 JOBS - UNIONS                  Cosmo Monkhouse          



A lion emerged from his lair                                
For a short summer cut to his hair.                         
But the barber he wept,                                     
While the customers slept,                                  
As they waited their turn in the chair.                     
                                                            
34041 JOBS - UNIONS                  J G Francis              



A barber who hailed from Connecticut,                       
Had a terrible problem in etiquette:                        
To each patron he coo,                                      
'Why hello there!  It's you."                               
For he'd never remember whose head he cut.                  
                                                            
34042 JOBS - UNIONS                  Stargazer                



The ad said his shop was palatial,                          
His clients found it comfy and spatial,                     
Just sit in the chair,                                      
Get cream in your hair,                                     
And then next you can have a free facial.                   
                                                            
34043 JOBS - UNIONS                                           



There was a fat barber from Spain;                          
A customer gave him a pain.                                 
He then took a snip                                         
From that customer's lip,                                   
And never was bothered again.                               
                                                            
34044 JOBS - UNIONS                  Ray Gessler              



A barber by the name of Jim                                 
Was prone to act upon a whim.                               
He nicked his ears                                          
With the garden shears,                                     
Giving himself quite a trim.                                
                                                            
34045 JOBS - UNIONS                  Silvan Jones        P0209



I always scrunch down in my chair                           
When a barber called "Bob" cuts my hair.                    
But with tits in the offing                                 
And fake elbow-boffing,                                     
I perk up with Joyce, Fay, or Claire.                       
                                                            
34046 JOBS - UNIONS                  Tutta Gioia              



U.S. workers sometimes are "downsized,"                     
Meaning "sacked" euphemistically disguised.                 
U.K. employees                                              
Suffer "redundancies";                                      
Irish workers, it seems, are "pint-sized."                  
(Guinness severance includes daily two pints for 10 years)  
34047 JOBS - UNIONS                  Dr Limerick              



A bricklayer, his jowl in a scowl,                          
Wore as work clothes, a towel with a cowl.                  
Fellow workers were miffed,                                 
Even on the first shift,                                    
When he'd howl, "This is my night to trowel!"               
                                                            
34048 JOBS - UNIONS                  Loren C. Fitzhugh        



There was a young man from Oporta,                          
Who daily got shorter and shorter.                          
The reason, he said,                                        
Was the hod on his head,                                    
Which was filled with the heaviest mortar.                  
                                                            
34049 JOBS - UNIONS                  Lewis Carrol             



The wife of a young man named Forrer                        
Implored him to be an outpourer.                            
He was forced to confess                                    
He was just a drill press,                                  
And she tried to make him a jig-borer.                      
                                                            
34050 JOBS - UNIONS                  Albin Chaplin            



When a charged electrician named Doug,                      
Had trouble inserting his plug,                             
He'd shove it and jerk it,                                  
And cause a short circuit,                                  
And the juice would make marks on the rug.                  
                                                            
34051 JOBS - UNIONS                  Pierce Evans             



The food of the chef, they'd reject it.                     
The maggots and flies did suspect it.                       
There was no garbage man                                    
From New York to Milan                                      
Who would lower himself to collect it.                      
                                                            
34052 JOBS - UNIONS                  Albin Chaplin            



A midwife, while poking around                              
The depths of a patient's wide mound,                       
Was caught by surprise                                      
When she saw beady eyes;                                    
And that's how Jimmy Hoffa was found.                       
                                                            
34053 JOBS - UNIONS                  Jon Gearhart             



We're still singing in praise of Joe Hill                   
For his memory stays with us still.                         
But if Joe didn't die,                                      
We are wondering why                                        
The members still pay for his bill.                         
                                                            
34054 JOBS - UNIONS                  Neal Wilgus         P8608



It shouldn't cause any surprise                             
That newspaper strikes are not wise;                        
For the people soon dread                                   
If they are not misled,                                     
And they seek other sources for lies.                       
                                                            
34055 JOBS - UNIONS                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P8608



McGahey and Daly will soon                                  
Be checking for mines on the moon.                          
If there's men at the face,                                 
Oot there in space,                                         
They'll have them on strike before June.                    
                                                            
34056 JOBS - UNIONS                  R F Oglivy               



I once met this little green man,                           
By the name of Eddie McMahon.                               
A bridge painter was he.                                    
Spraying paint, don't you see,                              
He got more on himself than the span.                       
                                                            
34057 JOBS - UNIONS                  Anonymous                



The old printer knocked out his pipe,                       
And the ink off his hands, did then wipe.                   
"You're not my elite,                                       
More gothic than pic-                                       
aresque. Dear you just ain't my type."                      
                                                            
34058 JOBS - UNIONS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A printer (commercial) named Norm                           
Wouldn't follow the rules or conform.                       
He said, "I must confess                                    
I love my printing press."                                  
Then proceeded to start up a form.                          
                                                            
34059 JOBS - UNIONS                  Tom Patton          P0206



There was a Trade Union Leader                              
Too ready to be a conceder.                                 
When asked, "Shall we strike?"                              
He said, "Do as you like."                                  
So they sacked the incompetent bleeder.                     
                                                            
34060 JOBS - UNIONS                  John Dole           P9604



There was a young workman whose creed                       
Was wholly untainted by greed;   (painfully tainted)        
More work for more pay           (Less work for more pay)   
He considered fair play,         (The trade unionist way.)  
But nobody followed his lead.                               
(As shop steward, he's bound to succeed.)                   
34061 JOBS - UNIONS                  Punch (Arthur Deex) P9104



The long term UAW plan                                      
Of great benefits for each man,                             
Has had the direct                                          
And lasting effect                                          
Of moving Detroit to Japan.                                 
(UAW - United Auto Workers)                                 
34062 JOBS - UNIONS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8608



"What's that odor and what is that stink?"                  
Asked the labor and management link.                        
He could tell by the smell                                  
It was Q.W.L. --                                            
"It's a threat to my business, I think."                    
(what is Q.W.L? - McW)                                      
34063 JOBS - UNIONS                  Neal Wilgus         P8608



Though tycoons think the union a weed,                      
For the working man it fills a need.                        
It wouldn't have flourished                                 
If it hadn't been nourished                                 
From the start by the businessman's greed.                  
                                                            
34064 JOBS - UNIONS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8608



The union will struggle all night                           
As it seeks to get everything right.                        
But read the contract                                       
And you'll find that it lacked                              
Any hint of some depth, breadth, or height.                 
                                                            
34065 JOBS - UNIONS                  Neal Wilgus         P8608



I've wondered sometimes, haven't you?                       
What the union'd be likely to do                            
If it made it's big pay-off                                 
To obtain the no layoff --                                  
Then got busted by old you-know-who.                        
(Ronald Reagan strikes again)                               
34066 JOBS - UNIONS                  Neal Wilgus         P8608



We love our great union, oh yes --                          
Although sometimes it may be a mess.                        
We have meetings, pay dues,                                 
We get drunk on the booze.                                  
We might even work -- more or less.                         
                                                            
34067 JOBS - UNIONS                  Neal Wilgus         P8608



Our union is quite full of zest                             
As it goes about feathering its nest.                       
It gets great benefits                                      
From the picking of nits                                    
With our goddamned employer -- the pest!                    
                                                            
34068 JOBS - UNIONS                  Neal Wilgus         P8608



Remember the day in Union town                              
When labor its greatest genius found.                       
A "walk-out" was planned;                                   
Then up rose his hand,                                      
"United we stand; let's sit down."                          
                                                            
34069 JOBS - UNIONS                  Irving Superior     P8608



In our modern industrial phase,                             
The concept which labor conveys                             
Is that if in one day                                       
One man makes so much hay,                                  
It ought to take two men two days.                          
                                                            
34070 JOBS - UNIONS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8608



There once was a fellow named Wayne                         
Who was planning an office campaign.                        
"We're working like fools!                                  
We must make some rules!                                    
United we'll stand and complain!"                           
                                                            
34071 JOBS - UNIONS                  Bob Leclerc              



But his boss was a Psychic old "B";                         
He could sense there was trouble, you see.                  
So he threw the first punch                                 
And he nailed the whole bunch.                              
Now they're working more hours for free.                    
                                                            
34072 JOBS - UNIONS                  Bob Leclerc              



The retired Navy plumber, Armstead,                         
Charged exorbitant prices, it's said.                       
"Not an arm and a leg,"                                     
Many clients would beg.                                     
His fee?  One leg, two arms for each head!                  
                                                            
34073 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



A plumber called the householder's friend                   
Would send the householder 'round the bend.                 
When fitting a new pipe,                                    
His language was too ripe,                                  
He tried, when at work, not to offend!                      
                                                            
34074 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Arthur Pattaffy          



After Plumbers School, loyal alum, Roan,                    
Dreamed a dream he could not leave alone.                   
So he right then and there,                                 
Endowed the school a chair.                                 
Truth be told, it was more like a throne.                   
                                                            
34075 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



Young "Ladies of Various Stripes",                          
Will certainly never have gripes,                           
If given the number                                         
Of a local plumber,                                         
Who'll willingly ream out their pipes.                      
                                                            
34076 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS                                



A plumber by name Jimmy Riddle,                             
Was often called out in the middle                          
Of matins for plumbing                                      
And tongueing and thumbing                                  
The Nuns of Perpetual Diddle.                               
                                                            
34077 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Peter Wilkins            



On Sundays, that some Jimmy Riddle                          
'Neath cisterns and u-bends would fiddle                    
With wrenches and screws,                                   
Mending leaks in the loos                                   
Of the Nuns of Perpetual Piddle.                            
                                                            
34078 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Peter Wilkins            



A lively young lady named Kate                              
Said, "The leak in the bath, it can't wait".                
Came the plumber next minute                                
While she was still in it;                                  
Now she's a cute plumber's mate.                            
                                                            
34079 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Arthur Askey             



The plumber, a man I admired,                               
Lamented, "Oh why was I hired?                              
Fixing faucets and such                                     
Keeps me working too much.                                  
You know, I am really plumb tired!"                         
                                                            
34080 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       John Dohner         P8711



A good journeyman, my plumber, Mr. Bauer,                   
Fixes leaks but oft leaves me sour.                         
'Cause he makes me pay                                      
For his whole day,                                          
Even though he's just here for an hour.                     
                                                            
34081 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Norm Brust               



I just met this tap-dancing plumber                         
And I've never met anyone dumber.                           
While he worked, he would dance,                            
Leaving open to chance                                      
That his work would turn out a bummer.                      
                                                            
34082 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Yarg               TP9802



I just met this tap-dancing plumber                         
Who'd been bumped on the head in the summer.                
He said, "The concussion                                    
Was the sole repercussion,                                  
But the lump sure was a dinghummer!"                        
                                                            
34083 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       H Myers             T9801



A plumber while holding his pipe,                           
Thought sexology nothing but hype.                          
Then along came a whore                                     
With a bastard sized bore,                                  
He would fit -- but she wasn't his type.                    
                                                            
34084 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Professor                



A jack-of-all-trades, in Saint Peter,                       
Hooked the main water line to a meter.                      
But alack and alas!                                         
The meter was gas,                                          
And the water came out of the heater.                       
                                                            
34085 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Limber Limericks    P9701



Good journeymen, I'd like to say,                           
Are worth every bit of their pay;                           
And some even double.                                       
Except that the trouble                                     
Is few can be found here today.                             
                                                            
34086 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Chris Papa               



In the bathroom, the wife let a squeal;                     
"Here's a problem devoid of appeal;                         
On the floor's a wet spot;                                  
This damn gasket is shot!                                   
Call the plumber, to fix the loo's seal!"                   
                                                            
34087 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS                                



The plumber next door is named Jack.                        
When bent over, he shows hairy crack.                       
He did a few tricks,                                        
And my toilet was fixed.                                    
I just hope that he never comes back!                       
                                                            
34088 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS                                



There was an old plumber of Hocking,                        
Who took off a young lady's stocking.                       
Then he raised up her dress                                 
And he said, "I confess                                     
That your cunt is in need of some caulking."  (cocking?)    
                                                            
34089 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Albin Chaplin   3024-2979



A toilet plumber from Peru                                  
For a laugh, renamed himself "Lou".                         
But in the end                                              
He went 'round the bend,                                    
'Cause nobody thought it was true.                          
                                                            
34090 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS       Anon                     



My new 'temp-assistant,' Miss Mertz,                        
Wears nothing beneath her tight skirts;                     
Each morning she dashes                                     
In late and then flashes                                    
Her cunt into which she inserts...                          
                                                            
34091 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



A dildo that's made from a stick                            
Of peppermint she's made me lick;                           
Then she'll sit and type                                    
Without any gripe                                           
For hours while she sucks on my dick.                       
                                                            
34092 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



There was a young drop-out named Dirk,                      
Who hated the thought of hard work.                         
If someone said that word                                   
He'd skip like a bird;                                      
It was as if he had gone quite berserk.                     
                                                            
34093 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



The Powells were losing their mind.                         
They needed a way to unwind.                                
They went on vacation                                       
And had much libation,                                      
But now it's just back to the grind.                        
                                                            
34094 JOBS - ZGENERAL                H Whelchel               



This work ethic we have is crazy;                           
Why not blow in the breeze like a daisy.                    
No ambition? Stay loose,                                    
For it is an excuse                                         
For not having sense to be lazy!                            
                                                            
34095 JOBS - ZGENERAL                H Myers            TP9804



Professions prepared for in school                          
Equip one for life, as a rule.                              
Whoever thinks college                                      
Encompassed all knowledge,                                  
Will blunder through life like a fool.                      
                                                            
34096 JOBS - ZGENERAL                R. J. Winkler       P8503



Despite all the purse-strings it plucks,                    
Most modern technology sucks.                               
The creed's "Do It Fast!                                    
Ere the market is past;                                     
And we lose our big chance at big bucks."                   
                                                            
34097 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Zola                     



Whenever I hear the word "Works"                            
Ergasiophobia lurks;                                        
Without any job                                             
I ain't got a bob -                                         
I miss out on all the good perks!                           
                                                            
34098 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



A carpet installer name Bynna                               
Has dreams that cause him angina.                           
His worst dream of all --                                   
In one day install                                          
Berlin to the Great Wall of China.                          
                                                            
34099 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Irving Superior     P8503



A word to the wise is sufficient,                           
If you'd become rich and proficient.                        
You'd choose your vocation                                  
With deliberation                                           
And see that your work is efficient.                        
                                                            
34100 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Coded Limericks     P8403



There was a young man from Bangkok,                         
At his work always stared at the clock.                     
Each day, dead on four,                                     
He'd race all for the door.                                 
If he lost, they would all be in shock!                     
                                                            
34101 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



The comedian lives under a strain                           
As the audience reacts with great pain.                     
If he has a good style                                      
Half his jokes get a smile,                                 
And the rest he is forced to explain.                       
                                                            
34102 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin            



A comedian fellow named Downing                             
Spent his life being onstage and clowning.                  
After blowing one-nighters,                                 
He called to his writers:                                   
"Throw me a line, guys--I'm drowning!"                      
                                                            
34103 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Writerman                



There was a house builder from Choorley,                    
Whose motto was slowly but surely!                          
As he built an estate,                                      
The owners would not wait.                                  
They left him.  The builder's now poorly.                   
                                                            
34104 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



I've been delivering the Yellow Pages                       
And some roads seem to take fucking ages.                   
When I knock on the door,                                   
And they choose to ignore,                                  
Makes me come down with deliverers rages!                   
                                                            
34105 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



A doctor of orthopedium                                     
Thought life with one wife, one of tedium.                  
They decided to part                                        
When he discovered art,                                     
To be a new happy medium.                                   
                                                            
34106 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Macsam                   



The comments on work are quite true --                      
Here's another that I'll share with you:                    
I cannot, I confess,                                        
Enjoy idling unless                                         
I have plenty of work still to do.                          
                                                            
34107 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Mike Dale                



Jeffery Archer, a self-indulged slob,                       
Spent far too much time on the job.                         
To avoid an enquiry,                                        
He faked his own diary,                                     
While perpetually dunking his knob.                         
                                                            
34108 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Tony Burrell             



They say work never hurt anyone,                            
But I say, neither does fun.                                
So, if given a choice,                                      
I'll raise up my voice                                      
In favor of play, ten to one!                               
                                                            
34109 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Kaylin                   



While working there's no time, I fear                       
For limericks.  But some blinkin' queer                     
And bad luck conspired                                      
To get my ass fired,                                        
So now I am goofing off here.                               
                                                            
34110 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



Bert, the man who's in charge of our bin,                   
Emptying out what some others put in;                       
He is always so smart                                       
With his regulation cart;                                   
On his face there is always a grin.                         
                                                            
34111 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young woman from Glasgow,                       
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.                          
At 9:30 about,                                              
The lights all went out,                                    
Caused by lapse on the part of the Gas Co.                  
                                                            
34112 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Young Lady Alice    P0104



I've crested the peak of the week;                          
The view towards the weekend's not bleak.                   
Down the hump's steep backside                              
I'll anxiously slide                                        
Towards Friday PM's sweet mystique.                         
                                                            
34113 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



The item I find that annoys,                                
Which causes me loss of my poise,                           
Is to see now and then                                      
A department of men,                                        
Which is run by good scouts -- namely boys.                 
                                                            
34114 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2424



Listen-up there's a new handyman,                           
Who make things amazing and grand.                          
And if you don't pay,                                       
He'll come back one day,                                    
And grind your face into the sand!                          
                                                            
34115 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



Work!  Did I hear someone mutter,                           
That four letter word makes me stutter,                     
It's made me feel ill,                                      
I must take a pill,                                         
My heartbeat is all of a flutter.                           
                                                            
34116 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



An old cleaner and dyer named Pappy,                        
Would sing limericks which some folks called crappy.        
Every day at his work,                                      
He dyed clothes with a smirk,                               
While exclaiming, "I'm sure to dye happy."                  
                                                            
34117 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Al Chaplin          P0302



I went to the staff room one day,                           
For a nice cup of tea during play.                          
But a troll had got in                                      
And was making a din,                                       
Even though he had nothing to say.                          
                                                            
34118 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Anon                     



The office informer is slinky,                              
With conduct repugnant and stinky.                          
He will point without shame                                 
To the man who's to blame,                                  
While the snot hangs in strands from his pinkie.            
                                                            
34119 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2796



The eyes of inspector McGore                                
A downward direction did bore.                              
Said the boss, "I suspect                                   
That you cannot inspect."                                   
Said McGore, "I'm inspecting the floor."                    
                                                            
34120 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2694



There was a young mail clerk called Vic;                    
In the office he's called Mister Quick.                     
When coming or going,                                       
His to-ing and fro-ing                                      
Was at speeds that made other clerks sick.                  
                                                            
34121 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



He said he's an entrepreneur;                               
He convinced them he was a real do-er;                      
But,if the ladies had money,                                
It always seemed funny,                                     
His main role became that of a woo-er!                      
                                                            
34122 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



My wife works hard all day,                                 
Our income is ample, they say.                              
But all of our bills                                        
Are high as the hills,                                      
And my hair is turning gray.                                
                                                            
34123 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Al Willis           P9508



There is a small army of slobs,                             
The welfare Jane Does and their Bobs,                       
Who prefer their role                                       
To stay on the dole                                         
Than dirty their hands at McJobs.                           
                                                            
34124 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Chris Papa               



Those fast-food workers in their McJobs                     
Sling the hash and spread lots of gobs                      
Of mayo and mustard                                         
And frozen custard,                                         
In service of fast-feeding mobs.                            
                                                            
34125 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Daniel Ford              



Commuting to London ain't funny                             
On days like today when it's sunny;                         
I'd much rather do                                          
Things with Debbie and Sue,                                 
But I need to go earn me some money.                        
                                                            
34126 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



I'm in need of some cash,                                   
So off to work I must dash,                                 
From nine to five                                           
Just to survive,                                            
And stop my life becoming trash.                            
                                                            
34127 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Funny Bone               



The holiday workload was large;                             
Enough E-mail to sink a large barge.                        
The lesson from this?                                       
Don't go out to piss,                                       
And don't leave a woman in charge.                          
                                                            
34128 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



We all know what follows from Sunday:                       
That back-to-work feeling of Monday.                        
It's nose to the grind-                                     
Stone and blankness of mind;                                
How I wish every day was a fun day.                         
                                                            
34129 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



Fear of work is so bad it can keep                          
Other people as timid as sheep;                             
But I tell you right here, I                                
Have so little fear, I                                      
Can lie down beside it and sleep.                           
                                                            
34130 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



I once worked with a young girl, Noelle;                    
With her lovely red hair, she was swell.                    
Regarding her dates,                                        
She'd not date with her mates;                              
The boss too, did not do so well.                           
                                                            
34131 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



My office is straight out of Hell.                          
My secretary's prone to misspell.                           
The boss--he's a loon                                       
Aided by a buffoon,                                         
And that's it, in a simple nutshell.                        
                                                            
34132 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Buckaroo                 



In my office the lights will go nil                         
By themselves if you're quiet or still.                     
So my boss thinks I'm working,                              
My arms I keep jerking.                                     
An unwanted perk!  What a thrill!                           
                                                            
34133 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Slugo                    



A new secretary, Jane Fisk,                                 
Said, "My system for filing's non-risk.                     
When I get a pile                                           
Of stuff I must file,                                       
It goes into a folder marked, MISC."                        
                                                            
34134 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Brandy Brandon      P9406



I hate to instill you with sorrow;                          
Perhaps a Kleenex you'll borrow.                            
If you haven't heard yet,                                   
Or in case you forget,                                      
I will be on vacation tomorrow.                             
                                                            
34135 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



My great-aunt's eaves are untidy,                           
And right now there's not anybody                           
That's in a position                                        
To fix this condition.                                      
So, please, may I have off next Friday.                     
                                                            
34136 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Ryan Waldron             



I'm not in the least bit complaining,                       
But my aunt has said that it was raining                    
The two days before.                                        
I found out in Ardmore,                                     
So in Huntsville I would up remaining.                      
                                                            
34137 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Ryan Waldron             



I hired a young man who could paint                         
To freshen my house -- it's quite quaint;                   
And through a nice trade                                    
The young man was paid,                                     
But his nozzle sprayed white on my taint.                   
                                                            
34138 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



A Corner Brook citizen said,                                
As he looked at the clouds overhead,                        
"In spite of this vapour,                                   
We make pulp and paper,                                     
Without which this couldn't be read."                       
                                                            
34139 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Alice M. Keys, Ontario20d



The Kitten sho'nuff must be foxy,                           
The Paperboy, well, he got moxie.                           
She takes the subscription,                                 
'Cause she like the description                             
Of what he will stuff in her boxie.                         
                                                            
34140 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



A slow-moving fellow named Bickly                           
Appeared to be haggard and sickly.                          
He at work was not well                                     
Till at five rang the bell,                                 
Then amazingly Bickly moved quickly.                        
                                                            
34141 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2447



The two Perrier trucks broken down                          
Clogged the busiest highway in town.                        
In the heat, this was certain:                              
Neither driver was hurtin',                                 
For their thirst they could easily drown!                   
                                                            
34142 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Limerick Man             



A personnel person named Chester,                           
To every employment requester,                              
Would give a fine job                                       
On his thing-a-ma-bob.                                      
Wasn't friend Chester a jester?                             
                                                            
34143 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Monday, arriving at work                                    
At eight, the phone rings...it's a jerk!                    
Ignored all last week,                                      
By this shit of a geek,                                     
Who phones back at a time meant to irk.                     
                                                            
34144 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Acetous                  



There once was a corpulent slob                             
Who desperately needed a job.                               
He ranted and raved,                                        
His fortune was saved,                                      
By exploiting the ignorant mob.                             
                                                            
34145 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



An avid young novice named Wings                            
Was eager to learn a few things.                            
He said he had hopes                                        
If they'd show him the ropes,                               
But they told him to first pull some strings.               
                                                            
34146 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2838



Young lads, who in college learn things,                    
Are told that in life they'll be kings.                     
It is fine to have hopes                                    
When you know all the ropes,                                
But it's best if you start pulling strings.                 
                                                            
34147 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2813



A ball-player, Henry McGee                                  
Retired when he just couldn't see.                          
He was told, "We will hire                                  
You as an umpire:                                           
You'll make a superb referee."                              
                                                            
34148 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Anon                     



I've lived and worked in the East;                          
I've lived and worked in the West.                          
Now if you don't mind,                                      
I'd sure like to find                                       
Some laurels upon which to rest.                            
                                                            
34149 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Monique de Plume   TP9804



Sixty five!  Retirement?  It's time!                        
Even if one feels at one's prime!                           
It's now time to rest;                                      
The next years are the best.                                
To continue to work is a crime!                             
                                                            
34150 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a bee-keeper named Sonny,                         
Who made aa big fortune in honey.                           
His golden desire,                                          
Was just to retire,                                         
Stay home and count all of his money.                       
                                                            
34151 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Teen Angel               



The project's behind, what a shame!                         
(You know who the bosses will blame)                        
Deadlines must be met,                                      
We're overworked, yet,                                      
Our salaries stay just the same.                            
                                                            
34152 JOBS - ZGENERAL                John Miller 0093         



I once knew a butler named Brewster;                        
Butlers I am not very uster.                                
He was stealthily quiet;                                    
Could have done with a diet.                                
I felt that he needed a booster.                            
                                                            
34153 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



Fear of work is so bad it can keep                          
Other people as timid as sheep;                             
But I tell you right here,                                  
I have so little fear,                                      
I can lie down beside it and sleep.                         
                                                            
34154 JOBS - ZGENERAL                John Miller              



A TV sportscaster liked games;                              
He mixed with the most famous names.                        
When back on the air                                        
His manner was rare;                                        
He felt he appealed to the dames.                           
                                                            
34155 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



Our Master of Arts was a wreck;                             
Said "Job hunting's a pain in the neck!                     
While rhyming is fine,                                      
The job offers I find                                       
Go to fellows who studied hi-tech!"                         
                                                            
34156 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Robert S. Kast           



I never dreamed work I would miss;                          
I thought three weeks off would be bliss.                   
Just hanging around                                         
In this old nightgown,                                      
But already I'm tired of this.                              
                                                            
34157 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Carol                    



Now sir I can see that you tire,                            
It's hard work being the town crier.                        
So come take your ease,                                     
Drink wine, have some cheese,                               
And rest yourself here by the fire.                         
                                                            
34158 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



My vacation concluded too fast;                             
Three weeks in the big city passed.                         
I saw lots of shows;                                        
The weather?  It froze!                                     
But mostly I had a great blast.                             
                                                            
34159 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Matthew Montchalin       



Mechanics are putting on tires                              
And firemen are putting out fires.                          
While butchers discreet                                     
Are beating their meat,                                     
Electricians are pulling their wires.                       
                                                            
34160 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-2336



Live large, and have fun is my motto --                     
Party hard, love long, and get blotto --                    
Go out with a bang --                                       
Work can go hang --                                         
It's something I never do, 'less I gotto.                   
                                                            
34161 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Kaylin                   



You filthy despicable turd!                                 
To use that foul four-letter word!                          
W O R K!                                                    
Just take it away,                                          
That sort of stuff's for the birds.                         
                                                            
34162 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



I like to think Saturday's fun day;                         
It's usually wetter on Sunday,                              
Which leaves me quite rheumy,                               
But nowhere as gloomy                                       
As going to work on a Monday.                               
                                                            
34163 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



At the thought of work, my stomach turned --                
All my life, it is something I've spurned.                  
My folks worked for their bread,                            
And now they're all dead --                                 
There's a lesson there to be learned.                       
                                                            
34164 JOBS - ZGENERAL                Kaylin                   



Oh damn bloody bollocks, I'm pissed                         
Off with working from home. I'll persist                    
Under sufferance 'cause                                     
The alternative was                                         
To commute (but I think I'll resist).                       
                                                            
34165 JOBS - ZGENERAL                                         



Oh Monday looms large again;                                
I'm having a great time, and then --                        
It's back to the office                                     
In the metropolis                                           
When will they ban this day, oh when!                       
                                                            
34166 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES                               



But I suppose if Monday was dead                            
Surely no tears would be shed                               
We'd be cheering away                                       
To get rid of that day                                      
And we'd all hate Tuesday instead!                          
                                                            
34167 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES                               



Your building key, W-4,                                     
Insurance forms, and just one more --                       
A form interfering                                          
With right to a hearing,                                    
If unjustly you're kicked out the door.                     
                                                            
34168 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Dr Limerick  01-15-02    



There was probably no explanation                           
Beyond sign here and go to work station.                    
By signing it, you                                          
Have no option to sue,                                      
But instead must accept arbitration.                        
                                                            
34169 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Dr Limerick  01-15-02    



Though you've signed away your right to sue,                
The EEOC, helping you,                                      
Can take it to court                                        
And thereby may thwart                                      
The boss's scheme for a friendly venue.                     
                                                            
34170 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Dr Limerick  01-15-02    



Though work is a four-letter word,                          
It still makes some grow wealthy, I've heard.               
But it makes paupers cuss                                   
In disgust at the fuss,                                     
That they go to for wages absurd.                           
                                                            
34171 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Jon Gearhart             



All hail to the four-letter word!                           
More pleasant ones cannot be heard.                         
"Love, glee, luck and play,                                 
Keep me happy all day.                                      
At work, they have even occurred.                           
                                                            
34172 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Randog                   



It's great when your work seems like play.                  
If you love it, you life's A-OK.                            
With minimal luck,                                          
You'll gleefully fuck                                       
At a company sponsored soiree.                              
                                                            
34173 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Randog                   



So morning has come to the Earth;                           
To some this means fun, joy, and mirth.                     
But to some it's no perk;                                   
We must head off to work,                                   
And get screwed there for all that we're worth.             
                                                            
34174 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Gearhart                 



You must have heard old Vicar Morehouse                     
Who said, "Heaven sends from its storehouse                 
The sun for enjoyment                                       
And help with employment                                    
Of working each day in Life's whorehouse!"                  
                                                            
34175 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Travis Brasell           



Working each day is a bitch;                                
It certainly won't make me rich.                            
But serving my time                                         
In the company line,                                        
Is better than life in a ditch!                             
                                                            
34176 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Squat                    



An amazing relief you'll derive,                            
If you ever see the dead come alive.                        
Red tape and dust'll                                        
Become hustle and bustle;                                   
It's a government office at five.                           
                                                            
34177 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Anon                     



It's early; it's only just four,                            
And they're clearing a path to the door.                    
The nitwits and eggheads                                    
Scatter paper and cobwebs.                                  
"We'll do more tomorrow, I'm sure."                         
                                                            
34178 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Bob Watson               



A fat acrobat named Louise,                                 
Liked to go on the trapeze.                                 
But a big scary bear                                        
Bit her rump in the air,                                    
And spare parts went flying to Belize.                      
                                                            
34179 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Vertech competition      



Then a cable looped into a crimp,                           
And she fell and developed a limp.                          
So she made a concession,                                   
As a part-time profession,                                  
She would hire herself out as a blimp.                      
                                                            
34180 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Vertech competition      



Breathing helium, Louise observes                           
She can fly, so she swoops and she swerves.                 
Although felling abused,                                    
Being roundly accused                                       
Of depleting strategic reserves.                            
                                                            
34181 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Vertech Competition      



I sit at work day after day                                 
And time seems to just tick away.                           
I'm trying my best                                          
Though I've lost my zest                                    
To work for my end-of-month pay.                            
                                                            
34182 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Lightbulb                



For thirty-four years I was hired                           
And did just about what's required.                         
Now I've done my bit                                        
And don't give a shit,                                      
Because I am early retired.                                 
                                                            
34183 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      SFA                      



Making photos has long been my trade                        
(Though my fortune I still haven't made).                   
While film is OK,                                           
Airbrushing's passe                                         
Since digital has made the grade.                           
                                                            
34184 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      ROE                      



I love Photoshop, for you see,                              
I can make myself perfect for free!                         
I can make myself thin,                                     
Lose my double chin,                                        
And make my tits quadruple D!                               
                                                            
34185 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      ROE                      



An overwhelmed fellow named Gaster                          
Said, "My life is such a disaster.                          
This world's a rat-race                                     
And it's hard to keep pace,                                 
'Cause the rats all keep getting faster!"                   
                                                            
34186 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Observer                 



Well Gaster, we know how you feel;                          
You'd better go get a new deal.                             
Slow down, take your ease,                                  
As through life you breeze;                                 
Jump off of the old hamster wheel.                          
                                                            
34187 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Tiddy                    



If you really can't kick the work scene,                    
For want of those nice piles of green,                      
Like me, set your gaze on                                   
A job in liason --                                          
I'm the liaisiest person you've seen.                       
                                                            
34188 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Social Security is for those 62,                            
Who are tired of the work that they do.                     
You can work some, I know,                                  
But don't make too much dough.                              
They'll remove the excess with a screw.                     
                                                            
34189 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      S C Saint                



You'll tire of just sitting around;                         
That leads to a burial ground.                              
So you'll need stimulation;                                 
No, not self-immolation,                                    
But something that keeps you around.                        
                                                            
34190 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      S C Saint                



You can volunteer for some charities;                       
The days will go by in a breeze.                            
And at age 95,                                              
When you're still alive,                                    
You have the SS by weewees.                                 
                                                            
34191 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      S C Saint                



This job is starting to bore;                               
After lunch I started to snore.                             
I will pass the time                                        
By writing a rhyme,                                         
But I think that I must practice some more.                 
                                                            
34192 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Goofing                  



At this job I will never get fat;                           
The boss should go shit in his hat.                         
I'd feel more at ease                                       
Working at Mickey D's;                                      
All I'd say is "You want fries with that?"                  
                                                            
34193 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Goofing                  



For my new job I don't care a spit,                         
At the zoo where I'm shoveling shit.                        
My only relief                                              
Is when I take a brief                                      
Suck on the oragutan's tit...                               
                                                            
34194 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES      Jack                     



The man was accused of a crime;                             
A big one, no nickel and dime.                              
As the trial began,                                         
The judge said to the man,                                  
"This is, for you, a trying time."                          
                                                            
34195 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Kirk Miller              



The judge was very deep;                                    
My lawyer was a creep.                                      
No one was scoring                                          
And it was so boring,                                       
That the jury just fell asleep.                             
                                                            
34196 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Jim Weaver Collection    



A puzzled old judge in Swift Current                        
Couldn't figure a proper deterrent;                         
For the culprits he saw                                     
Who were breaking the law,                                  
Looked the same as the people who weren't!                  
                                                            
34197 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Charles Moreau,Kinston86b



She stood in her splendor, quite nude:                      
Said blind Justice, "My hearing's grown crude;              
When they said 'Election'                                   
I mis-heard 'Erection',                                     
But I guess either way I got screwed."                      
                                                            
34198 JUSTICE - JUDGES                                        



A plaintiff with dogged endeavor                            
Had won, for his lawyer was clever.                         
But it wasn't for real                                      
For there was an appeal,                                    
And the case through the courts dragged forever.            
                                                            
34199 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8111



"The Fifth Amendment," jurist Neff,                         
"Takes so much time there's no time left.                   
So let defendants stand                                     
And raise their right hand,                                 
And for the Fifth, say simply 'F'."                         
                                                            
34200 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Irving Superior     P8501



Barked Circuit Court Judge Brandon Dee,                     
"A flasher's disgusting to me;                              
Inadequate closure,                                         
Indecent exposure;                                          
Two years in the clink, I decree."                          
                                                            
34201 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Armand E Singer       399



Said a bright young attorney-at-law,                        
"A judge should be looked on with awe."                     
"Aw, shucks!" said the judge,                               
"Such flattery's fudge."                                    
But he dwelt on that syllable, "Aw."                        
                                                            
34202 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Laurence Perrine    P8503



The arm of the law may be short                             
Or long, of dissimilar sort.                                
Whatever the length,                                        
It always has strength                                      
To force an appearence in court.                            
                                                            
34203 JUSTICE - JUDGES               R. J. Winkler       P8501



To some broad said Hizzoner Judge Geer,                     
"You've been caught twice this week, so I hear;             
To encourage repentance,                                    
I must hand down this sentence:                             
You are tried and found wanton -- one year."                
                                                            
34204 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Armand E Singer        10



They tried a young wastrel named Drury,                     
Condemned by unanimous jury:                                
The judge cried, "Three cheers,                             
I give you ten years;                                       
You've fucked the whole state of Missouri."                 
                                                            
34205 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Armand E Singer       523



There was a young lady from Bucharest,                      
Got tossed into jail on a fluke arrest.                     
The judge said in court,                                    
"You tart! It's a tort!                                     
For that was the vice squad that you caressed."             
                                                            
34206 JUSTICE - JUDGES               William F Orr      TP9802



The judges in Halifax courts                                
Are easily put out of sorts.                                
Their procedures are crude,                                 
They're dyspeptic and rude,                                 
And they don't know their writs from their torts.           
                                                            
34207 JUSTICE - JUDGES               East Coast Lims     P0310



In justice, I must say injustice                            
Not about to be covered with rust is.                       
Any judge will affirm                                       
Who has served for a term                                   
How hard the attempt to be just is.                         
                                                            
34208 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Laurence Perrine    P8501



Said the judge when he heard the complaint,                 
"I've attempted to show some restraint,                     
But with your ribald tongue                                 
You ought to be hung,"                                      
And the scoundrel asked, "Who says I ain't?"                
                                                            
34209 JUSTICE - JUDGES               A. N. Wilkins       P8606



A cross-posting netizen, Janet,                             
Sends porno all over the planet.                            
Many lives are enriched                                     
By those cocks, cunts, and tits;                            
But Bill Clinton's decided to ban it.                       
                                                            
34210 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Jim Weaver Collection    



As expected, someone chose to sue,                          
(You guessed it, the ACLU)                                  
'Cause fee speech is important,                             
The judge said, "No enforcement!"                           
So for now, Janet can continue.                             
                                                            
34211 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Jim Weaver Collection    



From his sentence the Judge wouldn't budge.                 
He bore toward the lawyer a grudge,                         
Who had followed the rule:                                  
Make the Judge out a fool,                                  
Or make a fool out of the Judge.                            
                                                            
34212 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Laurence Perrine    P8503



The judge seemed too proud and too stern                    
Though he lawfully judged my concern.                       
But after the trial                                         
He brooked with denial                                      
But he tried me from prow unto stern.                       
                                                            
34213 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Lance Payne         P8501



Our second-string quarterback, French,                      
After sitting four years on the bench,                      
Saying, "Clearly God wills                                  
I develop my skills,"                                       
Studied law, and still sits on the bench.                   
                                                            
34214 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Laurence Perrine    P8503



I ponder on three strikes and out.                          
That could give judges real clout.                          
Would it be abused                                          
Or properly used?                                           
It needs jurist's prudence, no doubt.                       
                                                            
34215 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Larry J. Davis      P9406



Just what the hell's going on?                              
I was summoned to court as a pawn.                          
I didn't get called                                         
And fully appalled,                                         
My whole day is quite simply gone.                          
                                                            
34216 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Karen                    



John, who is hunky and young,                               
Was placed on a jury in Dunn.                               
The judge said, with a sigh,                                
"I can in no way deny                                       
That the jury now truly is hung."                           
                                                            
34217 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In her chambers as Justice O'Conner                         
Disrobed, a nude man fell upon her.                         
Said her husband, "Embrace                                  
The bare facts of this case.                                
Do I sully your honor, Your Honor?"                         
                                                            
34218 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Laurence Perrine    P8607



In court stood the cockster, George Ray,                    
Convicted of lech-majeste;                                  
The judge, disapproving,                                    
Voiced visibly moving,                                      
Said, "Sentence is life plus one day."                      
                                                            
34219 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Armand E Singer       496



The case on appeal reached Judge May;                       
His honor said, "Life? There's no way!                      
No if's, and's, or but's,                                   
The lower court's nuts!                                     
I'm voiding his sentence today --                           
For prowess like this, a bouquet.                           
34220 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Armand E Singer       497



A poetic burglarr called Lime                               
Told of his exploits in rhyme.                              
The judge said, "It's wrong                                 
To make sentences long,                                     
But I'll make an exception this time.                       
                                                            
34221 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Prof M-G                 



A judge of immense superstition                             
Believed months' names have a mission.                      
In March, hiked each day,                                   
Gave permission in May,                                     
And in August showed stately condition!                     
                                                            
34222 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Prof M-G                 



Ruled circuit-court judge Robert Chase,                     
"Paternity suits sound so base;                             
With no bone of contention,                                 
With a name I won't mention,                                
He's no way proved guilty: next case!"                      
                                                            
34223 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Armand E Singer       363



"The meek, hiring bright legal lights,"                     
Said the oilman, "for lengthly court fights,                
May inherit the earth,                                      
For all that it's worth,                                    
But they won't get the mineral rights."                     
                                                            
34224 JUSTICE - JUDGES               A. N. Wilkins       P9004



There once was a defendant named Irving                     
Who found his conviction unnerving.                         
But with a record that's bare,                              
It's impossible to declare                                  
Whether Irving's appeal is deserving.                       
(Judge Thomas McBride in Irvings appeal on nude conviction) 
34225 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Thomas McBride      P8509



I think it would be rather fun                              
To bugger old Justice McMunn.                               
A tricky thing lust is:                                     
One may do the Justice,                                     
But he must not be seen to be done.                         
                                                            
34226 JUSTICE - JUDGES                                        



A judge known as Sandra O'Connor,                           
A woman of learning and honor,                              
Once roused Warren Burger                                   
To such passionate turgor,                                  
That Justice decended upon her.                             
                                                            
34227 JUSTICE - JUDGES               P Chernoff               



Now, maybe I have a few smudges,                            
With elbows, I've got a few nudges.                         
But it makes me sick                                        
That those offering dick,                                   
Are usually politicians and judges.                         
                                                            
34228 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Cheryl                   



A fugitive, face PALE with zeal,                            
On a ledge tried to strike a PLEA deal.                     
But the court clock struck two --                           
With a LEAP he was through!                                 
One might say, "Overturned on a PEAL!"                      
                                                            
34229 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Heather L Preston        



A recluse from around Pasadena,                             
Being served with a paltry subpoena,                        
Dropped the thing in the john,                              
And assumed thereupon                                       
A remote, uncompliant demeanor.                             
                                                            
34230 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Keith MacMillan     A023A



Some cannibals thought it quite queer                       
That a verse-spouting judge showed no fear.                 
When ready to dine,                                         
They hung up a sign:                                        
"Poetic Justice served here."                               
                                                            
34231 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Macsam                   



The question at hand seems to be "What                      
It is when the judges rule ye."  What                       
Indeed, I might ask,                                        
But the odious task,                                        
That of ruling by Juristic Fiat?                            
                                                            
34232 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Hugh Clary               



If an answer is needed official,                            
I'll suggest one beyond my initial                          
Poor jab at a joke,                                         
In believing a bloke                                        
Might subsume Oligarchy Judicial.                           
                                                            
34233 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Hugh Clary               



A female lawyer named Fort                                  
Caused an uproar in Judge Crater's court.                   
With her bottom quite bare                                  
The Judge did declare                                       
"I said, can I please see your TORT.                        
                                                            
34234 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Fred Cohen          P8503



Some prefer language to be phonetic                         
And their energy, mostly kinetic.                           
As for justice and truth,                                   
What is truth, forsooth?                                    
As to justice, that should be poetic.                       
                                                            
34235 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



The Supreme Court ruled "Sodomy NO! --                      
To the gas chamber loonies won't go --                      
You can have an abortion                                    
Though it may cost a fortune.                               
And P.S. BURGER TO GO!"                                     
                                                            
34236 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Arthur Deex         P8607



There was a Texan on the High Court,                        
Who had a marvelous way with a tort.                        
His manner was gruff                                        
Till he was caught in the buff                              
And, I must say, a sleezy resort.                           
                                                            
34237 JUSTICE - JUDGES               First Monday TV     P0202



The Supreme Court was taken aback                           
When the Principal nailed up this plaque:                   
WE SUSPEND THE STRICT RULE                                  
AGAINST PRAYER IN THIS SCHOOL                               
IN EVENT OF ATOMIC ATTACK.                                  
                                                            
34238 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Arthur Deex         P9108



In a trial unexpectedly tense,                              
She swallowed the state's evidence.                         
This proved her, she thought,                               
Not guilty of aught.                                        
Here was true innocence -- in a sense.                      
                                                            
34239 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Laurence Perrine    P8501



A handsome young fellow called Lance                        
Had over a hundred Great-Aunts.                             
He kept some in drawers                                     
And some under floors,                                      
And the judge never gave him a chance.                      
                                                            
34240 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Michael Palin            



"The big corporations are mergery                           
And in need of a radical surgery,"                          
Said the Judge in a fury,                                   
"For trial by jury                                          
Is fast turning to trial by perjury."                       
                                                            
34241 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Laurence Perrine    P8501



The teen suspect was terribly confused                      
When the judge said, "We are not amused                     
By your outrageous plea                                     
That we set you Scot Free,                                  
Because as a babe you were abused.                          
                                                            
34242 JUSTICE - JUDGES               Evelyn Bogen        P9603



An impartial judge from the states                          
Was a kindly old magistrate.                                
When in his small town,                                     
The breeze caught his gown,                                 
And his horsey got out the gate!                            
                                                            
34243 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD                                  



Judge Hemp & Reverend Lockjaw,                              
Spoke on church and our state law;                          
With mucous gurglings                                       
'Bout feminine fur-things,                                  
While checking the palms of each paw!                       
                                                            
34244 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD                                  



Praise for Zoe, a hooker, was sung                          
By locals and commuters far flung.                          
Being endorsed by Judge Bean                                
Made Zoe feel like a queen,                                 
'Cause that jurist was clearly well hung.                   
                                                            
34245 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Rick Kaplowitz      P9208



Judge Hemp & Reverend Lockjaw                               
Did await the stage to Wichita;                             
And moon-ward, such howling                                 
'Bout wild pussy-prowling!                                  
They wanked and they yanked; rubbed cocks raw!              
                                                            
34246 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD                                  



Said the Mafia Don, "Ain't it grand?                        
We sent Vinnie to Law School as planned.                    
Thereby we've had surcease                                  
Since he's been our mouthpiece.                             
Now he's called our Judge Learned 'Black' Hand."            
                                                            
34247 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Loren Fitzhugh      P0001



Out in old Langtry, Texas, they've sung                     
Of the exploits of Roy Bean and flung                       
Wide praises with twitting,                                 
While somehow omitting                                      
That the "Hangin' Judge" was quite well hung.               
                                                            
34248 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



PHILADELPHIA LAWYERS trudge                                 
Though legal nooks, till brains' a sludge!                  
But not in same drawyer                                     
As the Washington lawyer,                                   
Who knows not the law, but the judge!                       
                                                            
34249 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Gunjan                   



Judge Hemp & Reverend Lockjaw                               
Snuck into a strip joint in Wichita;                        
Their disguise did unravel                                  
When the Judge whacked his "gavel" ;                        
Said: "Titties!  Oh, zipitty doo-dah!"                      
                                                            
34250 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD                                  



A legless old lady of Strand                                
Was raped by a rotter named Rand.                           
But the Judge set him free                                  
For he said, "I can see,                                    
She has no leg upon which to stand."                        
                                                            
34251 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Albin Chaplin   3024-2322



A cop who was known to be crass,                            
Arrested a fine looking lass;                               
She persuaded the judge                                     
With some fine homemade fudge,                              
And a piece of her wonderful ass.                           
                                                            
34252 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Cap'n Bean          P0800



"I was raped," said the lady of Lyme --                     
"The trial," said the judge, "would take time."             
In his chambers he went                                     
With the lady and spent                                     
Some time in reconstructing the crime.                      
                                                            
34253 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Albin Chaplin   3024-2174



When a judge is seen flouting the law,                      
It is something that sticks in the craw;                    
It is always absurd                                         
And CORRUPT is the word --                                  
Such a magistrate ought to withdraw.                        
                                                            
34254 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         R. J. Winkler       P8501



Our prison's security's poor;                               
I blame it on old Justice Moore.                            
With sentence erroneous                                     
On fellows felonius:                                        
"Lock the key, throw away the door!"                        
                                                            
34255 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Tiddy Ogg                



In court, a young fellow named Kell                         
Found matters did not go too well.                          
Though the jury agreed                                      
That he should have been freed,                             
They found 'innocent' too hard to spell.                    
                                                            
34256 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Albin Chaplin 3024  P8111



A rapist deflowered Miss Grace                              
And the jury was trying the case.                           
Said His Honor, Judge Beggs,                                
"You may spread out your legs;                              
I must see where this foul act took place."                 
                                                            
34257 JUSTICE - JUDGES - BAD         Albin Chaplin   3024-0460



Brit solicitors, Spenser and Mark,                          
Maintained chambers dank, must, and dark.                   
The place further graced                                    
By the wizened gaunt face                                   
Of Dickensian Rogers, their clerk.                          
                                                            
34258 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9702



The privilige of lawyer and client                          
Allows folks to be calm and reliant,                        
So they get good advice;                                    
Now we all should think twice                               
And assume a large eavesdropping giant.                     
                                                            
34259 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Dr Limerick  11-09-01    



A lawsuit's resulted, I see,                                
From an incident as strange as can be....                   
For I truly must say,                                       
It's a very odd day                                         
When a bicycle falls from a tree!                           
                                                            
34260 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Cap'n Bean          P0209



A lawyer employed some odd science                          
To rig up a hen-like appliance.                             
As he makes out his bill,                                   
He enrages it till,                                         
It's the chicken that's clucking defiance.                  
                                                            
34261 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              John E Maywood           



What's the differrence 'twixt lawyers with clients          
And roosters that crow with reliance?                       
Both are noisy, both loud,                                  
Both strut, both are proud,                                 
But a rooster, you see, clucks defiance.                    
                                                            
34262 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Ed Potts            P8508



A lawyer who lacks the reliance                             
To do the right things for his clients,                     
Fails again and again                                       
Like a rooster or hen                                       
Who is evermore clucking defiance.                          
                                                            
34263 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Bob Giandomenico    P9412



The rooster, as well known in science,                      
Rules the barnyard by clucking defiance.                    
Whereas lawyers in courts                                   
Are working at torts                                        
And their time is spent fucking de clients.                 
                                                            
34264 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2283



For sheer bloody gumption and cheek,                        
They had me in chambers last week.                          
...For using my pecker                                      
On some marriage wrecker,                                   
My wife won divorce from the Beak.                          
                                                            
34265 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              SFA                      



To her he awarded the lot.                                  
She took me for all that I got.                             
This just isn't nice.                                       
It's too high a price                                       
For cooling a gal what was hot.                             
                                                            
34266 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              SFA                      



So here I am, broke and dismayed                            
And all 'cause my pecker had strayed.                       
Do I feel remorse?                                          
You're joking, of course!                                   
My pecker, it must be obeyed.                               
                                                            
34267 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              SFA                      



"Though they're Doctors of Law," Mr. Moore                  
Complained, "They can't seem to assure                      
That lawyer or clerk,                                       
Despite all their work,                                     
Will ever develop a cure."                                  
                                                            
34268 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              A. N. Wilkins       P8503



Could have picked a better employer.                        
This position has traits of a voyeur.                       
But it fills my purse                                       
And it could have been worse.                               
Might have chosen to be a damn lawyer.                      
                                                            
34269 JUSTICE - LAWYERS                                       



A cannibal fellow named Dean,                               
With an appetite whetted and keen,                          
Found a lawyer to eat,                                      
But was forced to retreat,                                  
When he found they are too hard to clean.                   
                                                            
34270 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Jim C Carpenter          



There once was a lawyer in Leeds                            
Whose conveyances fitted all needs.                         
"It is likely," he said,                                    
"They will say when I'm dead --                             
'He's done a good many good deeds.'"                        
                                                            
34271 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Laurence Perrine    P8503



When lawyers dine out, don't you know,                      
They have split-fee soup, just for show.                    
They dazzle their guest                                     
And I can attest                                            
That the entree is broiled squid pro quo.                   
                                                            
34272 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Al Willis           P9604



A lawyer is one who would trim                              
From the language all words that are slim.                  
He will always prefer                                       
To "He died after her"                                      
To aver that "She predeceased him."                         
                                                            
34273 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Laurence Perrine    P8503



A lawyer once had the capacity                              
For tenacious perspicacity.                                 
But his love of mendacity                                   
Would belie his veracity                                    
Whenever he practiced loquacity.                            
                                                            
34274 JUSTICE - LAWYERS                                       



Salute the PHILADELPHIA LAWYER                              
Whose sharp tongue treats law like a sawyer.                
He must be quick witted,                                    
In sharkskin suit fitted,                                   
And charming as any Charles Boyer.                          
                                                            
34275 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



Lawyers use words in strange ways,                          
When turning in a nimble phrase.                            
Each meaning vexes,                                         
Logic of LEXIS,                                             
But earns them substantial fee raise.                       
                                                            
34276 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Chris Papa               



Whereunder, whereat and wherefore --                        
I'm certain that I can find more                            
Of words loved by lawyers,                                  
Just like my employers,                                     
Who write stuff like that - what a bore!                    
                                                            
34277 JUSTICE - LAWYERS                                       



The LSAT made me freeze!                                    
And the thought made me weak in the knees.                  
But the Princeton Review                                    
Improved what I could do,                                   
And the high score I got was a breeze.                      
                                                            
34278 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Dr Limerick              



There once was a case set for trial.                        
Again and again for awhile.                                 
Though ready to go,                                         
The system was slow.                                        
Five delays from the court it compiled.                     
                                                            
34279 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



The first time the case was not reached,                    
I stood up and I made a speech                              
Said it only was June,                                      
And still far too soon,                                     
To give up and go to the beach.                             
                                                            
34280 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



We hoped to be tried in July,                               
Which did not seem pie in the sky.                          
But the case had no sex,                                    
Nor is it complex,                                          
So the judge just kept passing it by.                       
                                                            
34281 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



I scheduled the case for September,                         
Came October and then came November.                        
Once time we came close,                                    
But we ended morose,                                        
'Cause we did not get reached nor remembered.               
                                                            
34282 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



Plaintiff's a dialysis center,                              
With my client the plaintiff did enter                      
A contract in dispute.                                      
About whethere it's moot                                    
If the water is paid by the renter.                         
                                                            
34283 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



My client finds it a hard pill                              
That despite by incredible skill,                           
That he is upset                                            
'Cause I cannot get                                         
The other side to pay the bill.                             
                                                            
34284 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



A trial date I'd like set in stone.                         
So I've written to you on my own.                           
I'm pleading in verse                                       
Since I can do no worse                                     
Than I've done up to now on the phone.                      
                                                            
34285 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



Thank you for scheduling the trial,                         
Which had sat and languished awhile.                        
With the trial date in ink,                                 
The other side blinked,                                     
And moved their offer a mile.                               
                                                            
34286 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



On the back burners, the case it did sit;                   
The parties would not move a bit.                           
Till their feet touched the kettle,                         
The case wouldn't settle.                                   
To quote Henry Higgins, you did it.                         
                                                            
34287 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



My client is now all aglow;                                 
In the future he'll have far more dough.                    
I'm always amazed                                           
How a trial date will raise                                 
An offer which once was so low.                             
                                                            
34288 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



I was fully prepared to begin.                              
I'd worked hard so that we would win.                       
If you could have listened:                                 
My opening glistened.                                       
Now we'll never know what would have been.                  
                                                            
34289 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



It's time to pick up my quill,                              
Draft a contract or maybe a will.                           
While I'd rather write rhymes,                              
It takes up my time,                                        
And for poems my partners won't bill.                       
                                                            
34290 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Anon                     



We've had too many jokes about lawyers.                     
They are sober and decent employers.                        
They don't always marry                                     
Their blonde secretary,                                     
But the are, prima facie, enjoyers.                         
                                                            
34291 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              John E Mayhood      P9805



"We're not just a sweatshop," they claim.                   
"We're the law firm with a big name!"                       
Don't have time to sweat;                                   
Associates get                                              
Two-thousand plus hours, or blame.                          
                                                            
34292 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



For reducing partner's income,                              
"He cost me a dollar, the bum!                              
Got to fire his butt,                                       
So I get my cut                                             
Of his tiny salary, then some!"                             
                                                            
34293 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A shyster gets no sympathy from me;                         
They fuck you and still want a fee.                         
They prolong it together;                                   
They're birds of a feather;                                 
You're broke, they go to Waikiki!                           
                                                            
34294 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Neanderthal man, it is said,                                
Eschewed this profession so dread.                          
He settled his fights                                       
And property rights,                                        
By use of a club to the head.                               
                                                            
34295 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Chris Papa               



But with our new morals so deep,                            
Attempt to civility keep,                                   
We paid legal minds,                                        
To settle bad binds,                                        
The club was much better, and cheap!                        
                                                            
34296 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Chris Papa               



There was a young lady of Cirencester,                      
Who went to consult her solicitor;                          
When he asked for his fee,                                  
She said, "Fiddle-de-dee!                                   
I only dropped in as a visitor".                            
                                                            
34297 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Bishop Bloomfield (Bibby)



An alien space ship, Earth bound,                           
Was searching for life all around.                          
When a lawyer was spied,                                    
The captain then cried,                                     
"No intelligent life has been found!"                       
                                                            
34298 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Jim C Carpenter          



I went to a party, real chic,                               
The company played Hide and Seek.                           
A lawyer went hiding,                                       
I guess he's still biding,                                  
'Cause no-one's looked since Wednesday week.                
                                                            
34299 JUSTICE - LAWYERS                                       



A Washington lawyer named Bert,                             
Took a nap by the road in the dirt.                         
A trucker named Fred                                        
Ran right over his head,                                    
But no vital organs were hurt.                              
                                                            
34300 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Jim C Carpenter          



A privileged client's attorney                              
Went on an incredible journey.                              
Far off, in the court,                                      
The case wasn't fought,                                     
And the client did not think it furney.                     
                                                            
34301 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Ally Ann                 



"Sir, I'd like to know what your act is."                   
"I'm a practicing lawyer, the fact is." --                  
"Then give up the chase.                                    
I'm a desperate case.                                       
I need one who doesn't need practice!"                      
                                                            
34302 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Laurence Perrine    P8503



"Marlene," the boss said, "you look a fright."              
Well, of course, I was up limericking all night.            
He cussed and he swore                                      
And acted like a bore,                                      
'Cause I couldn't get a pleading writ right.                
                                                            
34303 JUSTICE - LAWYERS                                       



There once was a D.A. from Thrace,                          
Had a car with a door stuck in place.                       
Took his car, a Mirage,                                     
To the nearest garage;                                      
Just another open and shut case.                            
                                                            
34304 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Tom Patton          P0308



Proposals of marriage should all                            
Have phrases of pre-nuptial                                 
And words of remorse                                        
In case of divorce,                                         
And words that in contracts are small.                      
                                                            
34305 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Irving Superior     P9711



There was a young lawyer named Burke,                       
Who acquired a curious QUIRK;                               
The drugs that he used                                      
Oft left him confused,                                      
And he'd wear his lawsuit to work!                          
                                                            
34306 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Observer                 



A gentle sweet lady named Lyme                              
By hoodlums was savaged one time.                           
Said her lawyer, "Disgrace!                                 
It's an open/shut case,                                     
But we must reconstruct the whole crime."                   
                                                            
34307 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2678



A lady depressed and ill-lucked,                            
By hoodlums was ravaged and fucked.                         
Said her lawyer, "Disgrace!                                 
It's an open, shut case,                                    
But the crime we must now reconstruct."                     
                                                            
34308 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2122



There's a lawyer on old Beacon Hill                         
With a fetish only he can fulfill.                          
He gets an erection                                         
Looking at his reflection,                                  
And sending himself a bill.                                 
                                                            
34309 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a lawyer named Smyth,                        
Whom I hired after killing my wife.                         
This attorney was slick,                                    
And through some legal trick,                               
The judge went to prison for life.                          
                                                            
34310 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Bob Birch           P0800



There once was a sweet girl named Suzie,                    
That damn Charlie claimed was a floozy.                     
When she turned him down,                                   
He spread it aroun';                                        
The lawsuit she filed was a doozy!                          
                                                            
34311 JUSTICE - LAWYERS                                       



When defending high-stakes litigation,                      
You're facing a juicy temptation                            
To turn all the papers                                      
To ashes and vapors;                                        
To lawyers, it's call spoliation.                           
                                                            
34312 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Dr Limerick  12-07-01    



Don't do it!  The court will assume                         
You're claiming that you can't exhume                       
The papers requested,                                       
Because you have guessed that                               
Their content your case could entomb.                       
                                                            
34313 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Dr Limerick  12-07-01    



The trial continues as if                                   
The papers support the plaintiff;                           
Your chances just fell                                      
To a snowball in hell --                                    
It's much wiser, it out to stiff.                           
                                                            
34314 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Dr Limerick  12-07-01    



A lawyer named Spring who was hung,                         
Had a very good client named Sprung.                        
When Sprung went to jail,                                   
Spring paid for his bail.                                   
Spring Sprang Sprung.                                       
                                                            
34315 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Erwin Paul         TP9804



Two barristers, Huxom and Luxom,                            
Hired heavyweight Sally who's buxom;                        
Her mouth's like a pit,                                     
Her cunt's a loose fit,                                     
But with 'em she suxom and fuxom.                           
                                                            
34316 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Travis Brasell           



He studied three years for the bar,                         
But his test scores were far below par.                     
Now, an excellent barman,                                   
He caters to car men,                                       
And rakes in more money by far.                             
                                                            
34317 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Laurence Perrine    P8503



A minor offender named Dale                                 
Thought lawyers would help without fail.                    
But when faced with the rates                               
Charged by old lawyer Bates,                                
He said, "I'll take the ten years in jail."                 
                                                            
34318 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8111



A lawyer who lived in Chicago,                              
In arguing so made his jaw go,                              
That when he was dead,                                      
It still wagged in his head,                                
And frightened whoever it saw go!                           
                                                            
34319 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Carolyn Wells       P8111



Of lawyers it's tragic but true,                            
Obfuscation is what they pursue                             
With sesquipedalian                                         
Balderdash daily in                                         
Big words where a little would do.                          
                                                            
34320 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              John Sandler        P9204



Texas lawyer gets urgent phone:                             
Emergency out-of-state roam;                                
He has not time to pack,                                    
But he'll be right back,                                    
So to tell his wife, he calls home.                         
                                                            
34321 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



The maid answers, but hesitates;                            
Lawyer strongly interrogates;                               
Seems wife is upstairs                                      
With mailman's affairs,                                     
Which barrister infuriates.                                 
                                                            
34322 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



Lawyer would rush home right away,                          
But emergency makes him stay;                               
Tell maid to get gun;                                       
Kill both in bed fun;                                       
But the maid protests -- I should say!                      
                                                            
34323 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



The silver-tongued lawyer explains,                         
Under Texas law it remains                                  
Quite legal to kill                                         
Adulterers still,                                           
So should wife and lover have pains.                        
                                                            
34324 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



The maid, finally convinced to do it,                       
Puts down the phone, though she rue it;                     
Two shots, screams and splashes                             
Sound through the phone flashes,                            
So listener he truly knew it.                               
                                                            
34325 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



"Did you kill them?" quite hushed said he.                  
"Yes, I did," in reply said she.                            
"Were bodies disposed?"                                     
"Yes in pool now reposed;                                   
Those splashes you heard already."                          
                                                            
34326 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



The lawyer then paused palpably,                            
And asked her somewhat sheepishly,                          
"Did you say 'the pool'?"                                   
"Yes, threw in the pool!"                                   
"Is this 555-8443?!"                                        
                                                            
34327 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Daniel Ford              



In spring, with a name like Topaz,                          
Which his love undeniably has,                              
You'd imagine that even                                     
A lawyer like Steven                                        
Would not start his love-song: Whereas...."                 
                                                            
34328 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Mad Zeno                 



There's been a few lawyers I've known;                      
Their antics have caused me to moan.                        
I now make the motion:                                      
Put them all in the ocean;                                  
See if sharks will eat one of their own.                    
                                                            
34329 JUSTICE - LAWYERS                                       



There was an old Lawyer proficient                          
In wisdom to all, and efficient.                            
His advice to the brave                                     
Was to work hard and save.                                  
His word to the wise was sufficient.                        
                                                            
34330 JUSTICE - LAWYERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2756



Most people don't know that Ben Matlock                     
Was born in the small town of Flat Rock;                    
He practices law                                            
Because he once saw                                         
His mama shoot his papa's fat cock.                         
                                                            
34331 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS                              



How sad; Mr Clinton disbarred;                              
I'm sure now his life must be hard.                         
Must he go back to Hope                                     
And peddling dope,                                          
And living un-Cuban cigarred?                               
                                                            
34332 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     Dr Limerick              



That Bill was disbarred was routine,                        
His fate was shared by seventeen.                           
Once disbarred at home,                                     
Your fate is up sewn;                                       
You can't be a lawyer supreme.                              
                                                            
34333 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     Dr Limerick              



But you have to congratulate Rehnquist                      
For his deftness in doing the knife twist.                  
It should have been simple                                  
And cause not a ripple,                                     
But he made sure that everyone witnessed.                   
                                                            
34334 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     Dr Limerick              



Besides, who would hire Bill Clinton,                       
With the lineup that's currently sittin'?                   
He's guaranteed five                                        
Who would surely contrive                                   
A "Nay", legalistically written.                            
                                                            
34335 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     Dr Limerick              



What's a poor HAWKSHAW to do,                               
When he's up the creek, without clue?                       
Why, seek DNA,                                              
Then kneel down and pray                                    
Johnny Cochran won't nullify you.                           
                                                            
34336 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     Chris Papa               



I've heard John Cochran has said to wit:                    
I could rearrage my words a bit.                            
In a speech of this fashion                                 
Exuding compassion.                                         
"If de plunger fit, you CAN'T acquit!"                      
                                                            
34337 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



They called him the "People's Attorney"...                  
With "Big Business" flat on a gurney...                     
He'd given it bruises                                       
For outrageous abuses...                                    
A liberal knight in life's tourney.                         
                                                            
34338 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     Tutta Gioia              



There was a young woman named Stella,                       
Struck dead by a flying umbrella;                           
It wasn't her fault,                                        
This strange parassault,                                    
So her son has retained Melvin Bella.                       
(Melvin Belli was a famous San Francisco lawyer)            
34339 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS     David Hirschfeld    P9112



Cochrane, Shapiro, F. Lee,                                  
As slick as three lawyers can be!                           
They persuaded the jury,                                    
To take out its fury                                        
On Furman, and set O.J. free.                               
                                                            
34340 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - CELEBS                              



From the Union of Civil Liberties                           
Came a lawyer with strange proclivities.                    
He burned flags and used drugs                              
And defended all thugs,                                     
To the best of his puny abilities.                          
                                                            
34341 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   First Monday TV     P0202



"All lawyers are assholes!" she snorted.                    
"You just take that back" he retorted.                      
"You're a lawyer, then Bone?"   (Funny Bone)                
"Don't be daft, you old crone!                              
I'm an asshole.", he proudly retorted.                      
                                                            
34342 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Artie                    



BARRATOR, one with suing itch,                              
Should find place in Dante's Hell niche!                    
Except in U.S.,                                             
Dumb juries will bless                                      
Their scheme to become very rich.                           
                                                            
34343 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Chris Papa               



ACLU Lawyers, let's give a hand!                            
And the principles for which they stand!                    
They dare not breach                                        
The joys of a beach;                                        
Cats keep covering them with sand.                          
                                                            
34344 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   David E. Sees            



There once was a lawyer named Ray                           
Who filed a new lawsuit each day.                           
When Christmas came 'round,                                 
In his stocking Ray found                                   
Some coal, and an old canape.                               
                                                            
34345 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Christine Brim           



Our boss is so anal retentive,                              
He thinks that his mind is inventive.                       
He says, "Come work for me.                                 
Clients pay our fee!"                                       
That is just not sufficient incentive.                      
                                                            
34346 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



There once was a boss-man named Phil                        
Who could really be such a pill.                            
He just makes me nuts,                                      
But he is no putz;                                          
I'll not doubt his great legal skill.                       
                                                            
34347 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



The hours have reached seventy-two;                         
No one knows what we're likely to do.                       
We slap our co-workers;                                     
We tell them they're shirkers.                              
We need to bid this place adieu!                            
                                                            
34348 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



I'm wandering around in a haze;                             
I tell people it is just a phase.                           
My brain will shift gear;                                   
Once more I'll be here.                                     
It only hits me on weak-days.                               
                                                            
34349 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



It's late; we've worked hard and we're tired.               
We can't quit; we know we'll be fired.                      
The computer is dumb                                        
And the printer won't hum.                                  
It's past time that we all retired.                         
                                                            
34350 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



The boss thinks that I am a wizard.                         
This gives me a pain in my gizzard.                         
It's really just tragic                                     
That I don't do magic.                                      
I would turn him into a lizard.                             
                                                            
34351 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



The boss is still anal retentive                            
(He is taking a pooping preventive).                        
He says, "Listen to me!                                     
This is how it must be."                                    
We frequently are inattentive.                              
                                                            
34352 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



I give just a word to the wise:                             
Within law firms you only rise                              
If you will kowtow;                                         
The boss will allow                                         
Your working until your demise.                             
                                                            
34353 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Marlene                  



I don't know all the lawyer blokes;                         
I only know some lawyer folks.                              
Those for whom I work                                       
Define the word "Jerk."                                     
They are the main reason for jokes.                         
                                                            
34354 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   ML                       



The common or garden type Yank,                             
Thought by most to be just a wank,                          
But their lawyers are worse                                 
And deserve to be cursed                                    
And drowned in a full septic tank.                          
                                                            
34355 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Archie                   



The client was female, a beaut;                             
Her lawyer kept pressing her suit.                          
Her tort went to court                                      
But she had to abort,                                       
When the fee he exacted, bore fruit.                        
                                                            
34356 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Jemstone            P0800



This theme only stimulates boredom;                         
We all know too much of their whoredom.                     
Their "expenses" and fees                                   
Bring the just to their knees,                              
And only a crook can afford 'em.                            
                                                            
34357 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   John E Mayhood      P0800



Twenty thousand leagues under the sea,                      
Four hundred lawyers there be.                              
"That thousands remain                                      
On land," you complain.                                     
But it makes a good start, you'll agree!                    
                                                            
34358 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   H Myer                   



I'll join in Shakespearean call,                            
Which put forth the solution small.                         
We'd all better be                                          
And world would be free,                                    
If only we could, "Hang them all!"                          
                                                            
34359 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Chris Papa               



These lawyer fucks love an impasse;                         
With hours billed, bucks they amass.                        
The time they put in                                        
Is not worth a fin!                                         
So how much to win, stupid ass?!                            
                                                            
34360 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   H Welchel                



There was an old lawyer named Dolan                         
Whose income was happily swollen                            
By charging big fees                                        
For interpreting these:                                     
The comma, the dash, and the colon.                         
                                                            
34361 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED                       P8111



There was a young lawyer named Burke,                       
Who acquired a curious quirk.                               
The drugs that he used                                      
Often left him confused,                                    
And he'd oft wear his lawsuit to work!                      
                                                            
34362 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Observer                 



A lawyer will cook very quick                               
If you slice him thin and not thick.                        
I boil them for glue!                                       
Don't eat lawyer stew;                                      
The poison broth will make you sick.                        
                                                            
34363 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED                            



The task of the Masters of Law                              
Is to take a case right from the raw                        
And chisel and mold it                                      
And bend it and fold it,                                    
To make a log look like a straw.                            
                                                            
34364 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8606



"The first thing we do," Dick tells Cade,                   
"Let's kill all the lawyers; they've made                   
Our lives so unbearable,                                    
So this vow is swearable;                                   
I'll do it with a nick from my blade!"                      
                                                            
34365 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Ystap                    



Too bad lawyers run our affairs;                            
The government really is theirs.                            
Their pockets they line,                                    
With what's yours and mine,                                 
And leave us in tatters and tears.                          
                                                            
34366 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Chris Papa               



A lawyer who called himself Bernie                          
Was a highly successful attorney,                           
Till he angered the mob                                     
Just by doing his job,                                      
And he ended up dead on a gurney.                           
                                                            
34367 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Cap'n Bean          P0211



Our lawyer's behavior is such,                              
They besmirch most things that they touch,                  
Dissembling space,                                          
They are a disgrace,                                        
For most I don't care very much!                            
                                                            
34368 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Chris Papa               



From the woodwork comes freedom destroyers,                 
Cash-powered and power-employers --                         
Lest I be misconstrued,                                     
I say we're all screwed,                                    
In a land, not of laws, but of lawyers                      
                                                            
34369 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   John Miller              



When "A" picks the pocket of "B"                            
Then hires a lawyer, you see.                               
The lawyer's judicious                                      
And quite avaricious.                                       
The profit goes mostly to "C".                              
                                                            
34370 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Al Willis           P9801



A typical one is the lawyer;                                
Purveyor of words and deployer,                             
Who discoveres porosity                                     
In the law with velocity,                                   
And of sense is the crafty destroyer.                       
                                                            
34371 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Albin Chaplin   3024-2717



I knew "Dipshit I" I could pass;                            
I could follow "Snake-in-the-grass."                        
Didn't think I could do                                     
The course "Asshole 2"                                      
Which is a required Law class.                              
                                                            
34372 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Saint                    



"Oh Father! I have a confession!                            
I've entered the oldest profession."                        
Replied the priest, from La Jolla.                          
"My God! You're a lawyer --                                 
Say ten Hail Marys for your transgression."                 
                                                            
34373 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   H Myers            TP9804



Oh, look!  They've released the next five.                  
Try not to leave any alive!                                 
I love shooting skeet                                       
And think it's so neat                                      
When lawyers go out and skydive!                            
                                                            
34374 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED                            



On a road, in the hot sun they bake,                        
A dead lawyer, 'long side a dead snake;                     
The diff, I remark,                                         
See! The only skid mark                                     
Leads to the snake; rotten break!                           
                                                            
34375 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED                            



Twenty thousand leagues under the sea                       
Is where all the attorneys should be!                       
I know where to start,                                      
I work for a fart!                                          
Do you know what that says about me?                        
                                                            
34376 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED                            



She searched for a gentleman who'd                          
Delight in her warm, sexy mood.                             
Well, her plans went aground,                               
But a lawyer she found,                                     
And now she is sure to be screwed.                          
                                                            
34377 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Al Willis                



Our judicial system's just right;                           
It spares those with money and might,                       
Thus preserving our leaders                                 
While it helps bottom feeders                               
(The lawyers) make dough left and right.                    
                                                            
34378 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   John Miller 0361b        



An ethics cop who was named Erm                             
Asked over fifty clients in turn,                           
"What's the ideal weight                                    
Of your lawyer named Tate"?                                 
Answer: "Three pounds including the urn."                   
                                                            
34379 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Tom Patton          P0800



Most lawyers, as one might deduct,                          
Are those who might have USUFRUCT,                          
With Earth's pay and perks,                                 
From other's hard works,                                    
Until into Hell they are tucked.                            
                                                            
34380 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED   Chris Papa               



These lawyers they hand things to me;                       
They're trying to get more cash from me.                    
Some writs and some torts,                                  
Now damage reports,                                         
And fees and et hoc genus omne!                             
                                                            
34381 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - DISLIKED                            



She dreamt of high ivory towers,                            
Of weddings with champagne and flowers.                     
That week end in La Jolla,                                  
In bed with her lawyer,                                     
To him they were billable hours.                            
                                                            
34382 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Arnie Schoenbrum    P0401



There once was a lawyer named Flynn                         
Who promised a client he'd win,                             
If he'd tell a small lie                                    
'Bout the scar on his thigh,                                
And the places he's said to have been.                      
                                                            
34383 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Cap'n Bean          P0800



A privileged client's attorney                              
Went on a romantical journey.                               
He had the time of his life                                 
With his clients third wife,                                
Then wound up on a hospital gurney.                         
                                                            
34384 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS                            



Ther once was a randy attorney,                             
Who buggered a fellow named Ernie.                          
He said "I'll be Frank"                                     
As he wiped out his crank;                                  
"In Ernest, my practice concerns me".                       
                                                            
34385 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS                            



There once were three lawyers from Slough:                  
Howard, Allen, Andy and how.                                
They made a fine trio,                                      
Like an orgy in Rio:                                        
How Doodey, Al Screwem, And' Howe.                          
                                                            
34386 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Friar              TP9807



An attorney whose scruples were few,                        
Won a case for a cute ingenue.                              
He said, "High five me, honey,                              
'Cause we're in the money!                                  
Even you get a dollar or two!"                              
                                                            
34387 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   William N Nesbit    P0800



The MAFIA means crime near its worst.                       
They seek cash with insatiable thirst.                      
But for tops in real greed,                                 
There's a nastier breed --                                  
Trial lawyers: they easily rank first.                      
                                                            
34388 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   John Paulk               



A sly young attorney named Jim                              
Would cater to clients so dim;                              
He confuses with pauses                                     
And misleading clauses,                                     
So that all of the dough goes to him.                       
                                                            
34389 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Tom Patton          P0800



The lawyer spoke on my behalf:                              
"We'll share the award half and half."                      
I thought, "Half for me!"                                   
But he thought differently.                                 
Half for him and half for his staff!                        
                                                            
34390 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   John Miller 0271         



"This case was a good one for me,"                          
Said a lawyer, collecting his fee.                          
"The victim, got stung.                                     
The jury got hung,                                          
And the criminal got off scot-free."                        
                                                            
34391 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Laurence Perrine    P8503



A winless fag lawyer named Doane,                           
Bewails the bad judgment he's shown:                        
"I defend handsome men                                      
In the courts or the pen,                                   
But look at the cases I've blown."                          
                                                            
34392 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Armand Singer       P0203



Our rights we must now reassess,                            
For grafters have gone to excess.                           
Though their lawyers can't buy                              
Any guns, they apply                                        
The old Laws of the West with finesse.                      
                                                            
34393 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Albin Chaplin   3024-2763



A fellow who lived in Cadiz,                                
Was arrested with what wasn't his.                          
Said his lawyer, the twit,                                  
"You'll be out on a writ,                                   
Soon as I can find out what one is."                        
                                                            
34394 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Arthur Deex         P9512



There's a female inventor named Moyer;                      
Stealing patents from her would annoy her.                  
I am sad to report                                          
After six years in court,                                   
All the royalties go to her lawyer.                         
                                                            
34395 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   John E Mayhood      P0800



An innocent fellow from Yale                                
Was mistakenly put into jail.                               
When he hired a fool                                        
From the Harvard Law School,                                
He got life, plus ten years, without bail.                  
                                                            
34396 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Warrick Elrod            



Though guilty as guilty can be,                             
PHILADELPHIA LAWYER, for fee,                               
Would impress the court                                     
With wiles of all sort,                                     
Assuring his client went free.                              
                                                            
34397 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - SHYSTERS   Chris Papa               



There was a young lawyer, quite bright;                     
Couldn't fuck 'cause her twat was too tight.                
She discovered a loophole                                   
By using her poophole;                                      
Now she fucks all day and all night!                        
                                                            
34398 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Nala                     



Two lawyers who met in Formosa,                             
Had sex in a field of mimosa.                               
One jurist, a male,                                         
And the other, a quail;                                     
I'll bet that they did it sub rosa.                         
                                                            
34399 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Al Willis           T9711



A solicitor name of Miss Kropp                              
Told law students she rose to the top                       
Of her chosen profession                                    
With a striking impression                                  
Of the time that her briefs she did drop.                   
                                                            
34400 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Albin Chaplin            



A spinster with troubles, Ms. Sheafs,                       
To a lawyer took all her griefs.                            
His counsel was shrewed                                     
And his fee she exchewed                                    
After letting him file her briefs.                          
                                                            
34401 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Bob Giandomenico    P8802



The female attorney should squirm                           
When the judge, upon ending his term,                       
Makes her gasp and guffaw                                   
At his staff of the law,                                    
And then asks her to make his law firm.                     
                                                            
34402 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Res Ipsa                 



Says a litigant nympho named Rayner,                        
"My attorney's no fucking abstainer.                        
When he's horny, he chafes,                                 
And he never has safes,                                     
So I slip him a legal retainer."                            
                                                            
34403 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Jim Weaver Collection    



A filly trained at UConn Law                                
Forgot all her college Hee-Haw.                             
While arguing cases,                                        
She'd whinny loquacious,                                    
And eat cock to strengthen her jaw.                         
                                                            
34404 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Lewis Pavlo              



A woman who worked as a lawyer                              
Would say to the guys who'd annoy her,                      
"Don't court me in court --                                 
I'm in court to report --                                   
Just wait till we're out in the foyer."                     
                                                            
34405 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Edwina Leer              



A Japanese lawyer named Kono                                
In court wore an open kimono;                               
When the judge asked her why,                               
She replied with a sigh,                                    
"I do it pro pubico bono."                                  
(pun on pro bono pulico - McW)                              
34406 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Armand E Singer       547



There was a young maid from La Jolla                        
Who had an affair with her lolla;                           
Since her boudoir, though regal,                            
Smacked of the illegal,                                     
Their meetings were held in the folla.                      
                                                            
34407 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Stanford Chaparral  P0007



"Miss Clark," remarked Christopher Dardon,                  
"I most humbly, Marcia, beg pardon,                         
But dropping your briefs                                    
While seeking relief's                                      
The cause of my great side-bar hard-on."                    
                                                            
34408 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      Arthur Deex              



Lady lawyers are pin-striped and vested,                    
And in chambers, some just can't be bested.                 
For 'suit' is a role                                        
Not requiring a pole.                                       
You just might like your 'suits' double-breasted.           
                                                            
34409 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN      CB                       



I told her "I wanna be screwed."                            
She smiled and said "OK then, dude.                         
Dontcha know I'm a lawyer,                                  
So first I will bore yer,                                   
And then your last dime I'll extrude."                      
                                                            
34410 JUSTICE - LAWYERS - WOMEN                               



A novice goose-farmer, Tom Sanders,                         
Once wrote for advice from Ann Landers.                     
He'd encountered a block                                    
To increasing his flock:                                    
He didn't know gooses from ganders.                         
                                                            
34411 LETTERS                        William D Robinson       



Dear Suitor, the problems you pose                          
Are greater than anyone knows.                              
In the broad light of day                                   
I might scare you away.                                     
I'm fat, bald and have warts on my nose.                    
                                                            
34412 LETTERS                        June Sullivan       P8408



Though your interest is so very kind                        
And I like what you have on your mind,                      
For a romp in the hay                                       
I prefer night to day,                                      
Unless of course, you are blind.                            
                                                            
34413 LETTERS                        June Sullivan       P8408



My most remembered greeting card                            
(Just thinking makes me swallow hard)                       
GREETINGS, Son,                                             
You now are one...."                                        
Was sent to me by F.D.R.                                    
                                                            
34414 LETTERS                        Irving Superior     P8612



An angry young fellow once wrote,                           
His ex-girlfriend a rather firm note,                       
In such lurid detail,                                       
It caught fire in the mail;                                 
Which leaves me unable to quote.                            
                                                            
34415 LETTERS                        John Ciardi              



"Dear Mither", wrote wee Jimmy Broon,                       
"I've dug a hole twenty feet doon.                          
I'll dig and I'll toil,                                     
Until I've struck oil".                                     
So she sent him a card, "Get well soon!"                    
                                                            
34416 LETTERS                        W Duncan                 



I'm having a wonderful time                                 
In this glorious tropical clime;                            
Though you may think it queer,                              
I don't wish you were here --                               
Yes! At last, I'm divorcing you, slime!                     
                                                            
34417 LETTERS                        Robin K. Willoughby P8701



Time was I thought all junk mail trying;                    
Ads for credit cards, clothes, cut-rate flying.             
But today I rejoice                                         
When my mail brings the choice                              
Of a credit card--not Choice in Dying.                      
                                                            
34418 LETTERS                        Evelyn Bogen        P9607



Greetings, to you men, from the Brass --                    
The Elite, if you'd not be so crass.                        
Save those "Hi there y'alls"                                
Or a kick in the balls                                      
Will soon follow this kick in the ass.                      
                                                            
34419 LETTERS                        Neal Wilgus         P8612



Dear Mam, I am lernin to spel                               
I hoap you an dad are boath well                            
This skool is kqite nice                                    
But Ive run away twyss                                      
With luv from yor dorter yung Nell                          
                                                            
34420 LETTERS                        Harold C Bibby           



I'm lonely wrote Mrs. Golightly,                            
And seeking a gentleman sprightly.                          
You need not be young                                       
But you must have a tongue,                                 
And be willing to use it twice nightly.                     
                                                            
34421 LETTERS                                                 



Dear lady, I'm Mr. O'Vine;                                  
My tongue (if naught else) is all mine.                     
A pic I append                                              
And would like you to send                                  
Me a photo of Box 69.                                       
                                                            
34422 LETTERS                                                 



Oh, Mr O'Vine, I'm on heat.                                 
I'm Mrs Golightly; let's meet                               
In London next week.                                        
But 'til then, here's a peek                                
Of my Box 69; ain't it sweet?                               
                                                            
34423 LETTERS                                                 



Good Lord, Mrs G, with my jocks off,                        
Your Box 69 got my rocks off!                               
It's years since I've seen                                  
Such a sight so obscene,                                    
That it fair blew my mind and my socks off.                 
                                                            
34424 LETTERS                                                 



So yes, Mrs. G, let us meet                                 
In London next Monday, my sweet.                            
You'll recognize me;                                        
I'll be drooling, you see,                                  
With my tongue hanging down to my feet.                     
                                                            
34425 LETTERS                                                 



Oh, Mr O'Vine, you're divine.                               
We'll meet on the Underground line                          
Near Finsbury Square;                                       
And no panties I'll wear,                                   
So you'll recognize Box 69.                                 
                                                            
34426 LETTERS                                                 



Said the Postmaster General, "I'm tickled                   
That the mail has slowed down to a trickle.                 
If junk mail, I dare say,                                   
Had to pay it's own way,                                    
This letter would cost just a nickel.                       
                                                            
34427 LETTERS                        Arthur Deex         P9103



I have written one previous letter;                         
I should have written it better.                            
For it seems you ignored it;                                
Perchance you abhorred it,                                  
Or it's possible you didn't get her.                        
                                                            
34428 LETTERS                        Jim Weaver Collection    



At GREETING CARDS, I searched a bit,                        
A constipated friend to twit.                               
And when I cried, "Absurd!                                  
There are no rhymes for TURD,"                              
A clerk tole me to "Sh-sh" it.                              
                                                            
34429 LETTERS                        Irving Superior     P8612



There was a young person online,                            
Who said, "Posting letters is fine.                         
But it's quicker to load 'em                                
Right into a modem,                                         
And so I just e-mail mine."                                 
                                                            
34430 LETTERS                        Richard Long             



A package arrived in brown wrapper                          
Disguised as a letter -- quite dapper!                      
But though it was plain                                     
Wrapped inside was a pain-                                  
ful array of off-color thigh slappers!                      
                                                            
34431 LETTERS                        Wally Sampson       P8704



To you, my sister and brother;                              
Although we do not know each other,                         
We are all Pentatetters,                                    
So send cards and letters                                   
Sometime in May to Art, our mother.                         
                                                            
34432 LETTERS                        Irving Superior     P9103



Dear Doctor, Please look at young Millie.                   
I hope she's not done nothing silly.                        
She's been staying out late,                                
And she's putting on weight.                                
Your faithfully, Mrs. O'Killey.                             
                                                            
34433 LETTERS                        Harold C Bibby           



I proposed to my love in a letter,                          
A method which clearly upset her.                           
She declared that a male                                    
Who resorted to mail                                        
Would not be her childrens' begetter.                       
(I think return postage upset her.)                         
34434 LETTERS                        Laurence Perrine    P8405



The e-mails I sent, I suppose,                              
Are perfectly well-polished prose.                          
My spell-checker writes                                     
My flees and my mights                                      
And blesses my butts and my those.                          
                                                            
34435 LETTERS                        Nick                     



"Dear Mom, I just love my new classes                       
In 'Sex Education for Lasses;'                              
Professor Horatio                                           
Has taught me fellatio                                      
And how to wipe spunk from my glasses.                      
                                                            
34436 LETTERS                                                 



Dear Pater, (and Mater, and Kid).                           
Please could you send me ten quid?                          
My tuckshop account                                         
Requires that amount                                        
To clear it. Yours hopefully, Sid.                          
                                                            
34437 LETTERS                        Harold C Bibby           



A certain young lady named Breaulieu                        
Sent a letter to Anthony Newly.                             
'Twas a very short note,                                    
For all that she wrote                                      
Was, "Dear Sir, I remain yours, most truly."                
                                                            
34438 LETTERS                        Gerald Bosacker (?)      



Dear Vicar, So glad you can speak                           
('Young Wives' on next Saturday week).                      
Our film show tomorrow                                      
Is 'Games in Gomorrah'.                                     
Good wishes from Marian Meek.                               
                                                            
34439 LETTERS                        Harold C Bibby           



Greetings also to those who wear bras,                      
Whom we'll gladly convert to Mamas.                         
Well, you know how we feel                                  
And we love how you squeal.                                 
You ask why? Well, because...Just because!                  
                                                            
34440 LETTERS                        Neal Wilgus         P8612



If you love her then send her a letter;                     
There's nothing a woman likes better.                       
For romance, though a quill pen                             
Is surely no ill pen,                                       
You may like a word processor better.                       
                                                            
34441 LETTERS                        Laurence Perrine    P8405



Please give me your help, Dear Abby,                        
My wife had a child by a cabbie;                            
I think I've been had,                                      
'Cause he calls me "Dad",                                   
"Help me, Help me". Signed Gabby.                           
                                                            
34442 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Ed Wolfert          P8403



Dear Gabby, go after that cabbie;                           
Don't worry about making him crabby.                        
He'll have to come through                                  
With free rides for you.                                    
Lots of luck to you. Signed Abby.                           
                                                            
34443 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Ed Wolfert          P8403



"Dear Abby, just what should I do?                          
My Edith tells me that we're through.                       
Last night on the make,                                     
I stopped to eat cake...                                    
How can I have cake, Edith too?"                            
                                                            
34444 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            John Miller 0151         



"Dear reader, whatever you do,                              
Forego cake while attempting to screw.                      
And let me repeat                                           
That if you must eat,                                       
Let your eating give pleasure to two!"                      
                                                            
34445 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            John Miller 0151a        



An old lighthouse keeper called Gabby,                      
Used to write lots of mail to Dear Abbey.                   
He moaned and lamented;                                     
If not true, he invented.                                   
He was old, he was short, he was flabby.                    
                                                            
34446 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Arthur Pattaffy          



Keeping all the replies he received,                        
He said that they must be believed.                         
During long lonely nights,                                  
During faults with the lights,                              
He saw right where Dear Abbey conceived!                    
                                                            
34447 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Arthur Pattaffy          



Dear Abby, my problem is I                                  
Have a boyfriend -- a wonderful guy.                        
What gift should I seek                                     
For his birthday next week?"                                
"Never mind what he'd like...Give a tie!"                   
                                                            
34448 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Arthur Deex         P8402



If I kiss with my lips wide apart                           
When dating my teen-age sweetheart,                         
Will I get a baby?"                                         
Dear Abby said, "Maybe,                                     
But at least you'll have made a good start."                
                                                            
34449 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Limericks HistoricalP8401



Dear Abby, Am I normal?  Dear Jack                          
I don't know if you are, for alack,                         
The rest of your words                                      
Are covered in curds.                                       
I suspect you are having a whack.                           
                                                            
34450 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Peter Wilkins            



Dr. Lora said, "Slutty, coarse tramp!                       
You spineless and cheap little vamp!                        
You screw him for free?                                     
No marriage, no fee?                                        
Get a ring!  Or they'll always decamp!"                     
                                                            
34451 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY                                     



Dear Abby, wrote Scarlett O'Hara,                           
My husband is not Yogi Berra,                               
But I've had seven kids,                                    
And I'm on the skids                                        
'Cause he won't take his Depo-Provera.                      
                                                            
34452 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Ed Wolfert          P8403



"I hope you advise me, Dear Abby,                           
My boyfriend is saying I'm flabby."                         
So Abby replied                                             
That growing too wide                                       
Was better than bitchy or crabby.                           
                                                            
34453 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Philo Logue         P8403



"Dear Abby, from 'Bombed in Toledo',                        
Regarding hubby's swollen libido:                           
I took your advice --                                       
Packed his pecker in ice --                                 
But it still didn't dam the torpedo."                       
                                                            
34454 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Kathleen A. Martin  P8403



"Dear Abby, my husband philanders.                          
He's pursuing Your sister and squanders                     
His wealth on her, too.                                     
Say, what should I do?"                                     
"Divorce the yahoo [signed] Ann Landers."                   
                                                            
34455 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Laurence Perrine    P8403



"Dear Abby," a lover once wrote,                            
"My sweatheart is getting remote,                           
So what should I do?"                                       
Dear Abby said, "______"                                    
(A blank that I'd rather not quote.)                        
                                                            
34456 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Philo Logue         P8403



Dear Abby, I give my girl oodles                            
Of sex but she still prefers poodles.                       
Dear Jimmy, don't fret.                                     
(That's so funny I've wet.)                                 
Why don't you chop off their noodles?                       
                                                            
34457 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Peter Wilkins            



Dear Abby advised every Miss                                
On the blessings of virginal bliss --                       
Do not fondle man's meat,                                   
Keep his hands off your teat,                               
Cross your legs when he gives you a kiss.                   
                                                            
34458 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Albin Chaplin   3024-2996



Dear Abby, I'm fat and bereft.                              
I'm so fat that my husband has left.                        
Dear Kate, he has grounds;                                  
You weight 650 pounds?                                      
Perhaps he got lost up your cleft?                          
                                                            
34459 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Peter Wilkins            



Advice to Bombeck and Van Buren:                            
Dear Erma, Dear Abby,                                       
You're getting too flabby!                                  
Oh Abby, Oh Erma,                                           
Use girdles, stay firma!                                    
                                                            
34460 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Armand E Singer      231A



DEAR ABBY: My lovelife's a joke.                            
I'm addicted to speed, dust, and coke..."                   
But our Abby's turned callous                               
To addictions ('cept phallus).                              
"So what? My vibrator's broke!"                             
                                                            
34461 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Kim Goldsworthy     P8403



Dear Abby, I want babies with Chuck.                        
We've tried 25 years with no luck.                          
Dear Melissa, I'm guessin'                                  
You both need a lesson;                                     
Which orifice, dear, does he fuck?                          
                                                            
34462 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Peter Wilkins            



"Our problem is mutual orgasm --                            
I come before he has his spasm.                             
What shall I do?"                                           
Dear Abby said, "You                                        
Ought to take a large tuck in your chasm."                  
                                                            
34463 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Lims Hist and Hyst  P9901



"Our problem is mutual orgasm --                            
I come before she has her spasm.                            
What do you recommend?"                                     
Said Ann Landers, "My friend,                               
You should play with her tits, if she has 'em."             
                                                            
34464 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Lims Hist and Hyst  P9901



I need your assistance, Dear Abby.                          
My wife eloped with a Swabbie.                              
They took off for Reno.                                     
Playing Beano and Keno,                                     
What's cooking here? Quein Sabe?                            
                                                            
34465 LETTERS - DEAR ABBY            Ed Wolfert          P8403



At limericks he has Mensa backing                           
But at sex a gal found Jim quite lacking.                   
When she said, "No more bed,"                               
It messed up his head                                       
And he gave her a sound verbal smacking.                    
                                                            
34466 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210



It's important for Jim to save face,                        
So he's used words and lines really base.                   
Just attack his old penis,                                  
He'll become one of the meanest                             
S.O.B.'s in the whole human race.                           
                                                            
34467 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210



Jim's intellect is a rare treat;                            
His thoughts oft times can't be beat,                       
But when she needs a good fuck,                             
A girl's shit-out-of-luck                                   
And it's best that she stay on her feet.                    
                                                            
34468 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210



Your sad limericks are just dirty pool.                     
Really, Jim, you're not even cool;                          
You've displayed lousy verse                                
And you're insulting - that's worse.                        
So cancel our friendship, you fool!                         
                                                            
34469 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210



What happens just after 'Dear John'?                        
Dear John then becomes a mere john.                         
If whores he can't stand,                                   
He'll then use his hand,                                    
In either the bedroom or john.                              
                                                            
34470 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Irving Superior     P9505



"Dear Tom and dear Dick and dear Harry,"                    
Wrote Virgin Val, "You I won't marry.                       
Nor will I with John                                        
Wear bridal chiffon;                                        
I'm blowing Big Millionaire Barry!"                         
                                                            
34471 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Mark Levy           P9505



Dear Sweetie, I want you to know,                           
I loved you like mad weeks ago.                             
I've met girls with new boobs,                              
Who've tied up their tubes.                                 
So long, CON AMORE, from Joe.                               
                                                            
34472 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Elois                    



A girl who pursued men with verve                           
At the thought of "I do" lost her nerve.                    
So to tell them "We're through."                            
She wrote (to name just a few),                             
Dear: John, Bob, Al, Joe, Bill, and Irv.                    
                                                            
34473 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Evelyn Bogen        P9505



Sweet Sue penned a short 'Dear John'                        
To her soldier at war long gone.                            
Said for old times sake,                                    
With John's dear friend Jake,                               
She was going to carry on.                                  
                                                            
34474 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Dorman John Grace   P9505



"I'm sorry but..." blah blah "...the end"                   
"I hope..." blah blah blah "... comprehend."                
Blah blah blah "...too far"                                 
Blah blah blah blah blah                                    
"Remember, I'll still be your friend."                      
                                                            
34475 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Irving Superior     P9505



A French maid, who was quite put upon                       
By her beau, a Frog name of Jean,                           
Of a mind quite dismissive,                                 
She did sent him a missive,                                 
Belles lettres, a Dear John of Dijon.                       
                                                            
34476 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Thomas G. Keller    P9505



A firebug by the name of Larsen                             
Was convicted of female arson.                              
He dropped a match                                          
In his fiancee's snatch;                                    
She sent him a Dear Johnny Carson                           
                                                            
34477 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Tom Patton          P9505



If the letters "Dear John" should occur,                    
Do not think too harshly of her.                            
Although love is gone,                                      
Instead of "Dear John"                                      
The bitch could have written, "Dear Sir:"                   
                                                            
34478 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Irving Superior     P9505



A buck with two does and a fawn,                            
Relieved themselves on the back lawn.                       
Which can give one a pause,                                 
For reflection, because,                                    
They're making the yard a 'deer john'.                      
                                                            
34479 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Bob Giandomenico    P9505



A john costs a lot nowadays;                                
The style or the comfort conveys                            
That you give a shit                                        
And freely admit                                            
That a dear john's deserving of praise.                     
                                                            
34480 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Al Willis           P9505



The mail brought another Dear John;                         
I think is was sent by Yvonne.                              
Or maybe dear Fay                                           
Was the sender today--                                      
No wonder they call me Don Juan.                            
                                                            
34481 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Norm Storer         P9507



"Dear John," her sad letter began,                          
"Please understand this if you can.                         
My new boyfriend, Rex,                                      
Gives emoticon sex;                                         
So do Steve, Alexander, and Dan."                           
                                                            
34482 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Jim Weaver Collection    



Dear John, eight years together," wrote Vi,                 
"Were lovely.  But last night in a bar I                    
Met a fellow named Cliff                                    
Whose cock's almost a fifth                                 
Of an inch longer that yours is.  Goodbye."                 
                                                            
34483 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Michael Weinstein   P9505



Brad's hardware is simply revolting;                        
The screws he delivers are jolting.                         
He's nuts!  He's obsessed!                                  
So a card, I've addressed,                                  
To nail him by writing, "I'm bolting!"                      
                                                            
34484 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Mark Levy           P9505



A dealer in tractors named Fetter,                          
Was spurned by his wife for one better.                     
The insensitive slut,                                       
To pour salt in this cut,                                   
Then wrote him a curt "John Deere" letter.                  
                                                            
34485 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Bob Giandomenico         



Since Slow John was a little naive,                         
His poor mother, though knowing he'd grieve,                
Said, "I'll not sugar-coat                                  
This missive Jane wrote;                                    
As for you, dear John, just let her leave."                 
                                                            
34486 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Mark Levy           P9505



"Dear John" was the letter I got,                           
And my reputation is shot.                                  
She measured my dong,                                       
And she sang me this song:                                  
"Little Things Still Mean A Lot."                           
                                                            
34487 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Al Willis           P9506



'Dear John' means of love you're bereft;                    
For somebody else she has left.                             
Since life now will suck,                                   
You "fuck fuck fuck fuck",                                  
One each for that lousy 4F.                                 
                                                            
34488 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Irving Superior     P9505



Of Alden was Standish too fond.                             
Their friendship went (you know) beyond.                    
And then came Priscilla,                                    
An Alden pants filla,                                       
So nobly, Miles Standish, "Dear John-ed."                   
                                                            
34489 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Irving Superior     P9505



Dear John means that she has good-byed.                     
If doubtful, more proofs are supplied.                      
No "...love you" refrains;                                  
No "...miss you" tear stains;                               
No condom coupons are inside.                               
                                                            
34490 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Irving Superior     P9505



The romance they once shared was gone,                      
So she wrote him a letter:  "Dear John,                     
Enclosed is your key.                                       
Please return to me                                         
My pillow, with tear-stains upon!"                          
                                                            
34491 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Observer                 



"That pillow ain't yours," he replied.                      
"Those stains ain't from tears that you cried.              
I'll swear to Judge Judy,                                   
'Twas all about booty.                                      
And furthermore, my name is Clyde!"                         
                                                            
34492 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Observer                 



"Bathroom fixtures are costly", said Ron,                   
"And my budget is now nearly gone."                         
So he sat down and wrote,                                   
Sears and Roebuck a note,                                   
Complaining about his dear john.                            
                                                            
34493 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Bob Giandomenico    P9505



Suzanne, in pursuit of a mate,                              
Was never at loss for a date;                               
But, approaching the altar,                                 
She always did falter,                                      
And she sent Dear John Letters bulk rate.                   
                                                            
34494 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Evelyn Bogen        P9504



John Alden, pro Standish, raved on,                         
"He's handsome, successful, well-born.                      
The truth was divulged                                      
When Alden's pants bulged,                                  
So "Speak for yourself," she "Dear John-ed."                
                                                            
34495 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Irving Superior     P9505



Donald Trump with Ivana now gone,                           
Has Marla to help carry on,                                 
But Ivana won't quit,                                       
Writing notes in a snit;                                    
Their purpose, of course, to jeer Don.                      
                                                            
34496 LETTERS - DEAR JOHN            Bob Giandomenico    P9505



Town Clerk to F. & G.P.:  [?]                               
Since spending has been far too free,                       
It's clear that we're fated                                 
To be higher rated,                                         
So save on all servants but me.                             
                                                            
34497 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Sir - How strange that so many head teachers                
Make statements whose dominant features                     
Imply that they must                                        
Have the deepest mistrust                                   
Of all but head-teacherly features.                         
(The Teacher, 27 June 1969 three verses snuck in)           
34498 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Engaged as I am in a college                                
Of education, I don't claim the knowledge                   
To tell every head                                          
How to make his own bed                                     
And this I most fully acknowledge.                          
                                                            
34499 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



But how should I welcome some sign                          
That those who so strongly opine                            
On a job they've not tried                                  
Could so modestly hide                                      
Their omniscience quasi-divine.                             
                                                            
34500 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Dear Prof., In reply to your note,                          
We find you are far too remote.                             
To cut out conjecture,                                      
We're cutting your lectures.                                
The Class (by unanimous vote).                              
                                                            
34501 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



All flights that are leaving today                          
May well be hi-jacked on the way --                         
But don't lose your nerve,                                  
For we shall still serve                                    
A pleasant cold meal on a tray.                             
                                                            
34502 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



From the Clerk of the Joint River Board.                    
Employees should note that the Lord                         
Of the Manor of Mews                                        
Has not paid his dues.                                      
His flooding should thus be ignored.                        
                                                            
34503 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



That this House asks for a freeze                           
On prices and wages and fees,                               
And points out the need                                     
For an action with speed,                                   
To double the pay of M.P.'s.                                
                                                            
34504 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Dear Commodore, Will you say when                           
I may take firmer steps with the men?                       
The whole lower deck                                        
Looks like an old wreck.                                    
I. Whippem, Lieutenant, R.N.                                
                                                            
34505 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Dear Officers, be resolute;                                 
Act not as the brute nor galoot.                            
In the face of true beauty                                  
Remember this duty --                                       
Your privates must rise and salute.                         
                                                            
34506 LETTERS - MEMOS                Brian Belge              



In the shed at the end of the mews,                         
There's a bucket of old bolts and screws,                   
And right at the back                                       
You will see a large stack                                  
Of old junk that perhaps you can use.                       
                                                            
34507 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



By bare and disputed majority                               
We must now give united priority                            
To support of each faction                                  
That takes direct action                                    
Against all established authority.                          
                                                            
34508 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



The train that was due to depart                            
At 8:10 is not likely to start.                             
We're working to rule:                                      
You'd best get a mule                                       
Or a bike or a horse and a cart.                            
                                                            
34509 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



If, when you have travelled by jet                          
And been by our courier met,                                
The sands are black silt,                                   
The hotel's not yet built;                                  
We trust you will not be upset.                             
                                                            
34510 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Admin. Memorandum to Staff.                                 
I regret an unfortunate gaffe                               
By which every tutor                                        
Received from computer                                      
An incomprehensible graph.                                  
                                                            
34511 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Please note the new list of prices.                         
All sandwiches, rolls and cream slices                      
Are up 10%,                                                 
And we cannot prevent                                       
An increase in prices of ices.                              
                                                            
34512 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



In future, by Senate decree,                                
I shall greet Student Reps. on one knee.                    
This is not lack of guts                                    
(Which the Senate rebuts)                                   
But a sign of our wish to agree.                            
                                                            
34513 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



When cars are left here for repair,                         
Our charges are modest and fair.                            
And owners may rest                                         
Quite content that we test                                  
All work that is done with great care.                      
                                                            
34514 LETTERS - MEMOS                Harold C Bibby           



Miss Manners has made this deduction                        
And offers it for girls' instruction:                       
All women well-bred                                         
Will give men great head,                                   
If every blowjob includes suction.                          
                                                            
34515 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis Brasell           



I am not Miss Manners, I'm meaner!                          
She is not like me, she is keener.                          
If men want some suck,                                      
They're quite out of luck.                                  
I pass them the vacuum cleaner!                             
                                                            
34516 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Michelle                 



Miss Manners says ladies should hum,                        
While sucking to make their man come.                       
She says that the reason                                    
Is that it's so pleasin',                                   
Unless, of course, the gentleman's numb.                    
                                                            
34517 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Jeanie                   



Miss Manners says teach by example,                         
So because you are so ample,                                
I will volunteer                                            
For your hum, my dear;                                      
Get started and give me a sample.                           
                                                            
34518 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis                   



As you suck my dick's massive crown,                        
I hope with my load you won't drown.                        
This one you can follow                                     
As my semen you swallow,                                    
Hum "Yo Ho!  Just blow the man down."                       
                                                            
34519 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis Brasell           



Miss Manners says men would be lacking                      
Politeness, if when they are snacking                       
On women's bare tits                                        
And hair-covered clits,                                     
To slobber and make sounds of smacking.                     
                                                            
34520 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis Brasell           



Well, Miss Manners is just for the birds!                   
I like hearing flattering words                             
And smacking's just fine                                    
If on me you dine.                                          
I'd offer you seconds...or thirds!                          
                                                            
34521 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS                                  



Miss Manners, I'd say, is a twit;                           
'Cause we're Speaking In Tongues, just a bit;               
Good gals like that a lot;                                  
Need to know that they've got                               
Such heavenly boobs, buns and clit!                         
                                                            
34522 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Allen Wolverton          



Miss Manners I think that you're wrong,                     
To complain about slathering, strong.                       
Now the root of your fears,                                 
Is it's simply been years,                                  
Since you've had in your mouth, someone's dong.             
                                                            
34523 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Chimera                  



Miss Manners says, those in glass houses,                   
When the ire of the neighbors it rouses,                    
For the sake of propriety,                                  
To avoid notoriety,                                         
Should be careful when changing their trouses.              
                                                            
34524 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Hugh Clary               



Speaking as one who disrobes                                
By the window for fun (no bathrobes),                       
I find it a gas                                             
To wiggle my ass,                                           
As the neighbors admire my fine globes.                     
                                                            
34525 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Jeanie                   



Miss Manners says gents should refrain                      
From leaving their ladies in rain;                          
If ladies get wet,                                          
On this you can bet,                                        
Their pussies will rust and cause pain.                     
                                                            
34526 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis Brasell           



Miss Manners once said in this place,                       
"A gal who wears panties with lace                          
Wants all guys to treat her                                 
With boffing, then eat her,                                 
Plus squirt some love juice on her face.                    
                                                            
34527 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis Brasell           



First, open a sliding glass door,                           
When running away from a whore,                             
Or else you will sever                                      
Your dick, then whenever                                    
You piss, it won't aim like before.                         
                                                            
34528 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis Brasell           



Miss Manners says ladies should brace                       
And gobble the goo with some grace;                         
If you swallow the slurry,                                  
You won't have to worry                                     
About getting a hit on your face.                           
                                                            
34529 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Hugh Clary               



Women should have more finesse                              
When swallowing -- 'twould be less mess.                    
As Monica knows,                                            
The evidence shows                                          
That hastily gobbling stains dress.                         
                                                            
34530 LETTERS - MISS MANNERS         Travis Brasell           



To the limerick I give this toast:                          
May you always find victoms to roast,                       
May your scansion be true,                                  
And your topics be blue,                                    
And your audience always en-grossed.                        
                                                            
34531 LIMS - FACTORS                 Norm Storer              



There once was a man named Bruce,                           
And I'd like to hear his excuse,                            
For his horrible crimes                                     
Of both lacking in rhymes,                                  
And of limerick meter abuse.                                
                                                            
34532 LIMS - FACTORS                 Par Svensson             



Those refusing a limerick to scrawl,                        
Certainly sit behind the eight ball;                        
A site suspicious                                           
And not propitious                                          
For the future of language, at all.                         
                                                            
34533 LIMS - FACTORS                 Daniel Ford              



With adjusting my organ support,                            
I divined how to make limericks short.                      
My solution so solemn,                                      
Is to write in one column.                                  
Tell me what do you think of it, sport?                     
(submitted in five vertical lines)                          
34534 LIMS - FACTORS                 Albin Chaplin       P9104



"'Tis a contest," Sir Arthur decreed...                     
A challenge I readily heed.                                 
But Lord cut me some slack,                                 
If in humor these lack,                                     
Or if metre or rhyming they need.                           
                                                            
34535 LIMS - FACTORS                 Bob Birch           P0900



A difficult form we admit                                   
And written with dactyls with wit.                          
To find a key word                                          
That's not too absurd,                                      
On a line, itself sounding legit.                           
                                                            
34536 LIMS - FACTORS                                          



A good limerick's got to rhyme,                             
Be off-color without too much slime,                        
The rhythm should breeze                                    
Right along through the sleaze                              
And should get to the punch-line in time.                   
                                                            
34537 LIMS - FACTORS                 Robin K. Willoughby P8505



Practice is always telling;                                 
It can keep your limericks from smelling.                   
So now that you've learned                                  
How a limerick is turned,                                   
Perhaps you could practice your spelling.                   
                                                            
34538 LIMS - FACTORS                 MrMalo                   



Most non-limerick stuff I view bleakly;                     
Most newbies write limericks quite meekly.                  
'Twixt sex and bad rhymes                                   
(Both together, sometimes)                                  
At least we do try it:  Tri-weekly!                         
(old joke tri-weekly,try-weekly,try-weakly)                 
34539 LIMS - FACTORS                                          



When a five-liner happily hums                              
With those neat triple-time ta-da-dums,                     
(Though it's anyone's guess                                 
Why two lines have one less),                               
It appeals to us limericking bums.                          
                                                            
34540 LIMS - FACTORS                 Mary Sullivan            



The time spent with limericks is fun                        
In the land where word magic is spun.                       
Read 'em or write 'em,                                      
Critique 'em or cite 'em.                                   
What we do's always wittily done.                           
                                                            
34541 LIMS - FACTORS                 Esther Koch              



Your rhymes fail to glitter with glamour;                   
Their beat makes me stutter and stammer.                    
You never endeavor                                          
To be funny or clever,                                      
And you really should work on your grammar.                 
                                                            
34542 LIMS - FACTORS                 Jerry Nordal             



The limerick's never averse                                 
To expressing itself in a terse                             
Economical style,                                           
And yet, all the while,                                     
The limerick's always a verse.                              
                                                            
34543 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Laurence Perrine    P8505



Your iambs and dactyls expressed                            
The genius of Keats and the rest.                           
But for quivering quims,                                    
And lascivious whims,                                       
The anapest's clearly the best.                             
                                                            
34544 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       TuttaGioia               



The limerick, now cybernetic,                               
Has come to be peripatetic,                                 
In hex or in plain...                                       
(Error message again!                                       
This renders me quite apoplectic!)                          
                                                            
34545 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Wilbur Skeels       P9804



In the North and the South and the West,                    
And the East, if you look for a jest                        
In a poem that is slick,                                    
I say the limerick,                                         
Is the poetic form that serves best.                        
                                                            
34546 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Tom Matkin               



The limerick should always be terse,                        
It hasn't the time to coerce,                               
But then the last line                                      
Should reveal your design                                   
To make the best use of one verse.                          
                                                            
34547 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Ron Price                



A limerick may play the part                                
Of a matron, stiff, proper, and smart;                      
But, if you would please her,                               
Just tickle and tease her;                                  
At heart he's a bit of a tart.                              
                                                            
34548 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Lance Payne         P8505



The LIMERICK's been long on the scene,                      
We find it a verse fore serene.                             
Both smart and concise,                                     
Exceedingly nice,                                           
And once in a while may be "clean."                         
                                                            
34549 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Chris Papa               



Your tight definition of verse                              
That fits with this rhyme-scheme so terse,                  
Excludes those of us                                        
Who try to discuss                                          
A series of subjects diverse.                               
                                                            
34550 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED                                



Three stresses for first line rhyme one,                    
And again, three stresses rhyme won.                        
Two stresses, rhyme two,                                    
Who stresses, rhyme too,                                    
We finish, three stresses, rhyme fun.                       
                                                            
34551 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Daniel Ford              



From tension and into release                               
Is the way that a limerick can please.                      
It's usually quite whimsical                                
And often quite quimsical,                                  
But why dot all I's and cross T's.                          
                                                            
34552 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Bill Backe-Hansen   P8807



A limerick, just to be sure,                                
Should have five line and no more.                          
But if you are slick,                                       
You can do it with six,                                     
While others require only four.                             
                                                            
34553 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Jim Weaver Collection    



We thought that the limerick was dead.                      
"We're rid of the thing," critics said.                     
But of course they were wrong                               
For the limerick's a song                                   
That comes from the glands, not the head.                   
                                                            
34554 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Neal Wilgus         P8505



Philologists chose to delete                                
The quintain as now obsolete,                               
But lines that are five                                     
Are spryly alive                                            
As limericks, giving a treat.                               
                                                            
34555 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       R. J. Winkler       P8505



What's wrong with limericks, my dear?                       
It's poetry, that much is clear.                            
A limerick rhymes                                           
And conveys as it chimes                                    
Many deeply-held feeling sincere.                           
                                                            
34556 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Peter Wilkins            



Oh thank you for leaving, dear wife,                        
To live with your mother in Fife.                           
Your sister's a dish                                        
And we'd both like to wish                                  
You the best for the rest of your life.                     
                                                            
34557 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Peter Wilkins            



I'm sorry, dear Grandma, you're ill,                        
And likely to stuff it, but still,                          
I hope you don't mind                                       
Holding out 'til you've signed                              
This new codicil here to your will.                         
                                                            
34558 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Peter Wilkins            



Dear Husband, I'm writing today                             
To ask for divorce, if I may;                               
But now I'm with Roger,                                     
Caressing his todger.                                       
I'll write to you later, Okay?                              
                                                            
34559 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Peter Wilkins            



You've worked here for forty five years?                    
And now you're retiring?  Well, cheers.                     
Whoever you were,                                           
I allowed us, dear Sir,                                     
An excuse for a couple of beers.                            
                                                            
34560 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Peter Wilkins            



I hear celebrations are due;                                
A baby!  Good heavens, dear Sue.                            
I certainly hope                                            
It will learn how to cope                                   
If it turns out as ugly as you.                             
                                                            
34561 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Peter Wilkins            



Best to start right off with a fuck,                        
Unless the lim needs a quick suck.                          
Then slam some spuzz home                                   
And hope that the tome                                      
Makes laughter and prudes to upchuck.                       
                                                            
34562 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       H Whelchel               



I was once told that metrical feet                          
Were to help me to stay on the beat;                        
And talk of how lines                                       
One, two, and five rhyme,                                   
Three and four ending sounds, too, repeat.                  
                                                            
34563 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Jim Weaver Collection    



Once you've got a good notion with pith                     
Then you rhyme it with something like "myth,"               
Rhyming on a bit more                                       
In lines three and four,                                    
Matching up with the first in the fifth.                    
                                                            
34564 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Anthony Euwer       P8912



I'm a creature with thirteen feet!                          
Though naughty at times, always neat.                       
I'm constructed of lines                                    
That my species defines,                                    
And I end with a trick that's a treat!                      
(a limerick of course)                                      
34565 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Laurence Perrine    P8508



Some limericks are bound to offend                          
Because of the fact that they tend,                         
If they don't run amuck,                                    
To be like a good fuck.                                     
The climax comes right at the end.                          
                                                            
34566 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       A. N. Wilkins       P9106



The limerick is no sacred cow --                            
It's a verse form profane, boy and how!                     
It allows us to worship                                     
Our he-ship and her-ship;                                   
Let the service begin, starting NOW!                        
                                                            
34567 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Neal Wilgus         P8505



A limerick's a poetic antic                                 
With undertones that are semantic.                          
It's best if it's rude,                                     
Or crude, or just lewd,                                     
And its meter is frequently frantic.                        
                                                            
34568 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED                                



Anapestic, lines 3-4 in dimeter,                            
With trimeter 'round the perimeter;                         
Its rhyming display:                                        
A-A-B-B-A.                                                  
Its last line must flash like a scimitar.                   
                                                            
34569 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Laurence Perrine    P8505



A low-minded poet named Mick                                
Preferred the verse form "limerick":                        
It used words like "thumping,"                              
Rhymed "humping" with "pumping,"                            
And featured the vulva and prick.                           
                                                            
34570 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Armand Singer       P9811



Though the limerick can not be deaded,                      
In 'The Limerick Fringe' it's beheaded,                     
Is doubled, extended,                                       
Unrhymed or up-ended,                                       
Or else to the haiku is wedded.                             
                                                            
34571 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       E O Parrot          P8701



A limerick that's penned 'squeaky clean'                    
Oft results in its wit being lean.                          
So please mention a prick                                   
Or an oversexed chick                                       
To ensure that your poem's obscene.                         
                                                            
34572 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Limb Rick                



The limerick when written with grace,                       
Will have thirteen feet, each in its place.                 
If there be more or less                                    
You've created a mess                                       
And the limerick falls flat on its ace!                     
                                                            
34573 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Al Chaplin               



The limerick doesn't take long;                             
It's about the same as a song.                              
Except for the meter                                        
That's very much neater;                                    
Weak strong, weak weak strong, weak weak strong.            
                                                            
34574 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Elly Webb                



"A limerick packs laughs geographical,                      
And oftentimes themes biographical,                         
Into space that is tight,                                   
Pledged sleazy downright."                                  
Says an analist paleographical.                             
                                                            
34575 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED                                



What other poetical genre,                                  
Extolls the great smarmy entendre?                          
Or alternate, runs                                          
To excess of puns,                                          
I leave to with pleasure to pondre.                         
                                                            
34576 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Chris Papa               



The limerick secret is FUN;                                 
Just think of a topic or pun;                               
You put it to verse,                                        
And with out-ringing curse;                                 
Consign it to POST NOW when done!                           
                                                            
34577 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Jim Weaver Collection    



As a limerick-lover I'm new,                                
But I yearn to make rhyme that is true.                     
If it could find courses,                                   
And limerick resources,                                     
My poems would scan less askew.                             
                                                            
34578 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Jim Weaver Collection    



In a limerick, lines one and two rhyme;                     
If they both have nine beats, it's in time.                 
Three and four lines have six,                              
And they match; they don't mix.                             
And if five matches one, it is fine.                        
                                                            
34579 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       John T and Donna Burt    



Ditty dab, ditty dab, is the form                           
Of the rhymes that are shared in the dorm.                  
A story is told                                             
That is often quite bold,                                   
In all truth, sex absurd is the norm.                       
                                                            
34580 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       John T and Donna Burt    



Each limerick presents mental pictures                      
In all of the verses and scriptures.                        
In many you'll find                                         
A lascivious mind,                                          
Extolling our sexual fixtures.                              
                                                            
34581 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED                                



The limerick has five lines sublime,                        
The first, fifth, and second ones rhyme.                    
It also is true,                                            
The other two do,                                           
So write one if you have the time.                          
                                                            
34582 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Ron Price                



All limericks do have a key;                                
They must rhyme harmoniously.                               
And the stories they tell                                   
Must be clever as well,                                     
And sometimes quite bawdy they'll be!                       
                                                            
34583 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Warrick Elrod            



The good ones are bad, but not rickety;                     
Their meter goes clickety-clickety                          
Through five lines of verse,                                
Growing steadily worse,                                     
And ending "Hot diggity dickity!"                           
                                                            
34584 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Lance Payne         P8505



Fundamentalists always will tell us                         
(The ones who are overly zealous)                           
Our rhymes are not dandy,                                   
They're overly randy;                                       
But I think they really are jealous.                        
                                                            
34585 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Frank Fazed              



The limerick is a tool of Satan;                            
Of that there can be no debatin';                           
With peckers and twats                                      
And of impure thoughts,                                     
And a whole lot of good fornicatin'.                        
                                                            
34586 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       MrMalo                   



There's a metrical scheme to put feet in it,                
And a small fit of rhyming to sweeten it,                   
Two short lines that may                                    
Help it get underway,                                       
And a last line with some trick or treat in it.             
                                                            
34587 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Laurence Perrine    P8505



These verses in series confound                             
With terms exponential, unbound,                            
(Regardless of wealth,                                      
Their sickness or health)                                   
The rex and regina uncrowned.                               
                                                            
34588 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Nick                     



The limerick's the work of the Devil,                       
Who tempts us and leads us to revel                         
In all sorts of sin,                                        
And attempts to get in,                                     
And dealings not quite on the level.                        
                                                            
34589 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       John Miller              



A limerick's by nature JOCUND,                              
And frequently samples the fund                             
Of rude humor and wit                                       
And will frequently flit                                    
Into subjects by all WOWSERS shunned.                       
                                                            
34590 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       J'Carlin                 



Some limericks are so Goddam apt                            
And the meaning is so damn well wrapped,                    
That when all is in place,                                  
It explodes in your face,                                   
And you laugh so damn hard you'll have crapped.             
                                                            
34591 LIMS - FACTORS - DEFINED       Neal Wilgus         P8505



The limericks that I try to do                              
Are too short or too long or not new.                       
The rhymes that I puts                                      
Don't have the right foots;                                 
Could grammar be my problem too?                            
                                                            
34592 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



In writing a limerick -- the test --                        
The meter must be anapest.                                  
If not, then forget                                         
Your brilliant concept.                                     
The ruling is strict (and a pest).                          
                                                            
34593 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Irving Superior          



When out on a date with Miss Best,                          
A man quoted limericks with zest.                           
This disturbed the girl so,                                 
That she told him to go,                                    
And she called him a bore anapest.                          
                                                            
34594 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Albin Chaplin   3024-0005



While Adam was holding Eve's hanza                          
She kicked him quite hard in the panza:                     
"You don't like my peter?"                                  
Asked he.  "Dear, your meter,"                              
Said she, "has sure wrecked the last stanza!"               
                                                            
34595 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



My apology's really sincere,                                
Pathetic as it might appear.                                
I feel truly ashamed,                                       
As I often have claimed                                     
To be writing the best metre here.                          
                                                            
34596 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Par Svensson             



I hate to be telling you this,                              
But puns in here must have a fizz.                          
A five line aeration                                        
For correct narration                                       
Or else you will only hear "Hiss!"                          
                                                            
34597 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Archie                   



Since the weak between strong beats are double,             
In order to stay out of trouble                             
In Limerick's Hallways,                                     
Remember to always                                          
EmPHAsize the CORrect sylLAble.                             
                                                            
34598 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Jerry Nordal             



A limerick's a very low verse form;                         
Some have better, while some have far worse form.           
So try if you can                                           
To make every line scan,                                    
Or upon my lips you'll hear a curse form.                   
                                                            
34599 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Don Boen            P8112



Well that one I've flushed down the pan;                    
It's simply too awful, young man;                           
But not because Cat                                         
Ate whatever was shat,                                      
But because of its dubious scan.                            
                                                            
34600 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



My boss, said a lady domestic,                              
Writes limericks and they are majestic.                     
But his rhythm in bed                                       
Is a thing that I dread;                                    
There is no way to fuck anapestic.                          
                                                            
34601 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Albin Chaplin            



Of all the games under the sun,                             
Writing limericks must be the most fun.                     
To really get whythm,                                       
You need just one rhythm:                                   
A one-two-three, one-two-three, ONE.                        
                                                            
34602 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Norm Storer              



To scan is to keep to the meter                             
(The limerick can't stand a cheater);                       
If your beat's out of sync,                                 
Your verses will stink,                                     
And all of your fame will out-peter.                        
                                                            
34603 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Norm Storer              



Just checking, I'm new to the site;                         
Didn't know what I get in tonight.                          
These limericks are fun,                                    
Though perverted by some.                                   
They are just a kinky delight.                              
                                                            
34604 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Mimi                     



Alas, though, your meter, young man,                        
(Or lady,) is rough; if you can,                            
Try fitting each word                                       
To that rhythm absurd:                                      
"I'm Popeye, the sa-i-lor man."                             
                                                            
34605 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Anon                     



I tend to be quite a repeater,                              
Though rarely I'll falter or teeter.                        
But I'll say it once more,                                  
What I love and adore                                       
Are limericks that have the right metre.                    
                                                            
34606 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Bob Birch           P0204



Christina, while you're on the floor,                       
And rolling in laughter, explore                            
The limerick fashion,                                       
For which we've a passion,                                  
And write one with scan we'd adore.                         
                                                            
34607 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



"I WONDER WHO'S KISSING HER NOW".                           
In writing a limerick -- that's how.                        
As you write along,                                         
Keep singing this song.                                     
This beat's what the purists allow.                         
                                                            
34608 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Irving Superior          



Anapestical verse is like leaven --                         
It raises girls passions toward heaven.                     
And it's even sweeter,                                      
When I beat the meter                                       
(My meter is three-nine three-seven).                       
                                                            
34609 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Martin Wellborn     P8808



We may find it's not rhyme that bewitches                   
Or causes libidinous twitches.-                             
What sets her a-tingle                                      
Is not a guy's jingle,                                      
But the meter he's got in his britches.                     
                                                            
34610 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Bob Giandomenico    P9106



When down and tongue-tied in fast mode,                     
My vocal chords can overload.                               
And though I can't talk,                                    
I can still take my cock                                    
And bang out a rhyme in morse code.                         
                                                            
34611 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



These limericks are easy, I think;                          
Just a Mexican hatdance (with drink).                       
But to my amazement                                         
Such rhythic abasement                                      
Is frequent, and most attempts stink.                       
                                                            
34612 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Nevile Genie             



Your over-syllabic excess                                   
Has spoilt what is nevertheless,                            
A good line in rhyming;                                     
It's just that your timing                                  
Needs practice for future success.                          
                                                            
34613 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



At risk of an outlook punctilious,                          
Or being a tad supercilious,                                
I gotta point out,                                          
Without any doubt                                           
This scansion, quite frankly, is bilious.                   
                                                            
34614 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



Absurdly, as day turns to night                             
Or night turns to day, who is right?                        
As long as the meter                                        
Enjoins cunt and peter,                                     
Bad sense must give way to good shite!                      
                                                            
34615 LIMS - FACTORS - METER                                  



Meter is not just that bit                                  
About making the syllables fit.                             
The rhythm is needed                                        
So when it's repeated,                                      
It sounds like the meter's legit.                           
                                                            
34616 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         LadyJ                    



What is it about this meter                                 
That brings to mind a man's peter?                          
A woman's big boobs,                                        
Lust, dildos and lubes?                                     
Do we all need some salt peter?                             
                                                            
34617 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         SKUMBUNNY                



If a man writes a limerick that's "dirty,"                  
My wrath is not to overly stirred: he                       
Will ne'er gross me out --                                  
But you can, without doubt --                               
If your scansion is overly wordy.                           
                                                            
34618 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Robin K. Willoughby P8505



No malice in this brief critique,                           
But I flinch when one's metre is weak.                      
Some obviously miss                                         
A limerist's bliss,                                         
Not knowing of that which I speak.                          
                                                            
34619 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Bob Birch           P0204



In backward rhymes he would immerse                         
Himself and would keep his style terse.                     
His scheme anapestic                                        
Was not quite majestic                                      
But, like Bob's Spoonericks, was inverse.                   
                                                            
34620 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



While 8.8.5.5.8. can be scanned,                            
9.9.6.6.9. is more grand.                                   
Thirteen feet, beating three,                               
Anapestically,                                              
With each syllable carefully planned.                       
                                                            
34621 LIMS - FACTORS - METER         Scott                    



A poet efficient, perplexed                                 
Many folks, and it seems they were vexed,                   
For his theme, we deplore                                   
Would end at line four.                                     
The fifth line was first of the next,                       
                                                            
34622 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0022



A thing that left many perplexed,                           
For shortly his theme                                       
Would run out of steam.                                     
Since this line must rhyme with "the next",                 
It soon left the poor poet vexed                            
And somewhat perplexed.                                     
34623 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0022



Just five lines a tale you compress,                        
But compressing too much is a mess.                         
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
34624 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0017



A limerick of five lines will do                            
But never with four, three, or two.                         
For three is too short --                                   
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
34625 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0018



A foreshortened limerick's not pure;                        
Its need to exist is obscure.                               
It is very important                                        
That it not be foreshortened.                               
                                                            
                                                            
34626 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0020



A poet who lived in Verdun                                  
Wrote limericks that stopped at line one.                   
Since that's how it is,                                     
This limerick's not his.                                    
                                                            
                                                            
34627 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0019



The man who writes six lines, I'll bet,                     
Has not been located as yet.                                
But I sense now and then,                                   
He's still weilding his pen,                                
And he's someone that one time I met,                       
A meeting I'll always regret.                               
34628 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0021



It is simple to write limericks new;                        
You first write line one, then line two.                    
Line three is no chore,                                     
And neither is four.                                        
When you get to line five you are through.                  
                                                            
34629 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0016



.front to back lines wrote poet One                         
.brunt the took ,abuse to exposed And                       
track the on remain To                                      
;back to front write must One                               
.dunt say I ,perverse verse write who Those                 
                                                            
34630 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0025



So, take it from Archie and me,                             
Absurdity is the right key.                                 
For songs to be sung                                        
With rhythm, when young,                                    
But oldsters drink limericks with tea!                      
                                                            
34631 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES                                



A limerick is something quite vicious;                      
When done right, it can be quite delicious.                 
But it seems, Oh so sad,                                    
That with pencil and pad,                                   
I just can't seem to get with this.                         
                                                            
34632 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The first, second, and last lines should rhyme              
With the third and fourth, too, in their time.              
And if a limerick purist                                    
Thinks yours is the poorest,                                
You just might be charged with a crime.                     
                                                            
34633 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a limerick purist                            
Who was also an Internet tourist.                           
He cited the rules                                          
For posting these jewels,                                   
Like we needed a poetry jurist.                             
                                                            
34634 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Of all the verse forms I know,                              
There's one which gives me a glow.                          
So I do my best trick                                       
And wax anapestic.                                          
Dee Doe Doe Dee Doe Doe Dee Doe.                            
                                                            
34635 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Bil Munsil          P9009



The limerick which brings most hilarity                     
Is brewed with ingenious dexterity.                         
It contains an event                                        
With improbable bent                                        
And a dash of erotic vulgarity.                             
                                                            
34636 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin 3024  P9106



How to write limericks, they all asked me,                  
So I answered them all with much glee:                      
"Take five phrases that rhyme,                              
Put each on a line,                                         
And insert the two between three."                          
                                                            
34637 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Tom Campbell             



Limericks are written for fun;                              
Lines two and five rhyme with line one.                     
Then you rhyme some more --                                 
Rhyme three and line four --                                
And that is how limericks are done.                         
                                                            
34638 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Al Bienstock             



There are rules that you have to obey --                    
Like the rhyme scheme A-A-B-B-A.                            
A lines have nine beats;                                    
B lines -- six repeats.                                     
Write limericks -- you must do that way.                    
                                                            
34639 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Al Bienstock             



A limerick must follow some rules;                          
A writer can find helpful tools;                            
With instructions galore,                                   
Examples and more,                                          
Tutorials, lessons and schools.                             
                                                            
34640 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Bob Birch           P0204



We'll give you a welcoming cheer                            
If you follow the rule which is clear;                      
You must post only rhyme                                    
In a limerick time                                          
As is shown by these verses just here.                      
                                                            
34641 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



But should you depart from the norm                         
We'll consider it very bad form;                            
We'll flame you and roast                                   
You if prose you must post                                  
And if spam we will kick up a storm.                        
                                                            
34642 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



Take care of the pattern of rhyming,                        
As well as the meter and timing;                            
Just give it a try;                                         
There's no need to be shy;                                  
Soon that limerick bell you'll be chiming.                  
                                                            
34643 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



And finally maybe you've seen                               
That a lot of our verse isn't clean;                        
But we can and do vary                                      
The themes, but be wary;                                    
Of old ones we're never too keen.                           
                                                            
34644 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



What's this that we hear at the door?                       
A new limmer, there's one, maybe more.                      
You're here just on time                                    
But make sure you rhyme --                                  
Ensure that your lim'ricks don't bore.                      
                                                            
34645 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



A lim has five lines in its length                          
Its rhythm is much of its strength                          
Its subjects are crude                                      
(And can be quite rude) -                                   
Some rhymes can be made up, like brength!                   
                                                            
34646 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



The older type lims were quite dirty                        
So here we are often limflirty                              
But subjects obscure                                        
Like a Politic cure                                         
Can sometimes be seen to be purty!                          
                                                            
34647 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



But lims are supposed to be funny                           
Like, when you are screwing your honey                      
And up in the air                                           
A bee sees you there -                                      
And stings you right there on your bummy!                   
                                                            
34648 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Dick Hull                



I'll have to construct a limerick,                          
Some time when I can learn the trick.                       
For now as it is,                                           
I have no time to whiz,                                     
Or to play with my very limp dick.                          
                                                            
34649 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES                                



AspacesavingpoetnamedBliss                                  
Thoughtnothingatallwasamiss,                                
Formuchpaperhesaved,                                        
Buttheyjudgedhimdepraved                                    
Whenhetriedtojamletterslikethis.                            
                                                            
34650 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0023



This here is a rule you can't bend:                         
Rhyme line one and line two with the end.                   
The third and the fourth                                    
Must rhyme also, of course,                                 
And please mind the meter, my friend.                       
                                                            
34651 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Phil T                   



A muddled young poet named Clyde                            
In upside-down writing took pride.                          
The strain of this work                                     
Snapped his brain with a jerk.                              
He was hung by the heels when he died.                      
(upside down mirror writing but screw it - McW)             
34652 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0024



The limerick should give you a chuckle,                     
Perhaps even make your knees buckle;                        
To this end, it must hang                                   
On everyday slang                                           
(Coitus won't do it, but fuck'll).                          
                                                            
34653 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Norm Storer              



A limerick's a pattern of rhyme                             
Specific to a certain time.                                 
You must keep the beat;                                     
Try not to defeat                                           
The normal syllabical chime.                                
                                                            
34654 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Tutta Gioia              



I'm sorry I stepped on your toes,                           
Or seem to be thumbing my nose.                             
If my being pedantic,                                       
Makes you nervous and frantic,                              
That has charm of its own, I suppose.                       
                                                            
34655 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Jim Weaver Collection    



With five little lines of verse                             
One can express ideas so diverse,                           
To let loose and let fly,                                   
Make us laugh, make us cry,                                 
Or write something to be called perverse.                   
                                                            
34656 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Jim Weaver Collection    



A limerick is a five line story;                            
It's funny or sexy or gory.                                 
Certain lines must rhyme                                    
Every single time,                                          
And the meter is so mandatory.                              
                                                            
34657 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Tom Patton               



You're perfectly right to repeat                            
That limericks have rules we must meet.                     
But for those that ain't willable                           
To count every syllable,                                    
It's easier to count out the beat.                          
                                                            
34658 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Edwina Leer              



Now count out the rhythm now, can we?                       
And next, you'll be soon to demand we                       
Start making them rhyme,                                    
So I'll stop you in time,                                   
Returning my head up Myfanwy.                               
                                                            
34659 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Hugh Clary               



Edwina, we all have thick skin.                             
We need it for the game that we're in.                      
Don't ever say sorry                                        
Or we'll start to worry                                     
'Bout places that you might have been.                      
                                                            
34660 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Archie                   



The limerick is neat and concise,                           
Yet crammed with delectable spice.                          
There's no need for pomposity                               
Or extraneous verbosity                                     
When a four-letter word will suffice.                       
                                                            
34661 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0026



It's long and it's knobbly and large,                       
Like an elephant's whang or a barge.                        
It's harder than clay                                       
And erupts every day,                                       
With a crunchy volcanic discharge.                          
                                                            
34662 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       PeterW                   



In a limerick a word can be neatly                          
Inserted to fit in discretely.                              
If a limerick can not,                                      
For a word, find a spot,                                    
Then that word will be wasted completely.                   
                                                            
34663 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES       Albin Chaplin       P9405



Moaned a limerick neophyte, Flynn,                          
"I don't even know how to begin."                           
Said his girlfriend, "Don't pout,                           
If it's hard, work it out,                                  
And if you have a joke, work it in."                        
                                                            
34664 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES                                



When I was a gassoon of five,                               
My grandad, no longer alive,                                
Pulled my ding-a-ling,                                      
While reciting that thing,                                  
Then showed me the way to muff dive.                        
                                                            
34665 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES                                



He said: "Cunt, like limerick stew,                         
Is best when it's fresh and it's new,                       
And not wholly worn                                         
And ragged and torn,                                        
So fella I'm saying to you..."                              
                                                            
34666 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES                                



..."We don't want stuff regurgitated,                       
From ages when cavemen were fated,                          
To fuck brontosauri;                                        
So tell us a story,                                         
That's new, fresh and what you've created."                 
                                                            
34667 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES                                



I cautioned him strongly to stop it;                        
At least use a cumrag to mop it.                            
The dorm smelled like spunk                                 
And toe jelly funk,                                         
From hourly efforts to pop it.                              
                                                            
34668 LIMS - FACTORS - RECIPES                                



A slave to the limerick grind;                              
These things are rotting my mind.                           
At first a diversion,                                       
But now through pervision,                                  
I think all day long in rhyme                               
                                                            
34669 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Jim Weaver Collection    



A limerick made without rhyme                               
Exists not in space or in time.                             
Be you ever so clever,                                      
You'll flunk this endeavor.                                 
Even church bells must end with a chime.                    
                                                            
34670 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Laurence Perrine    P9007



The poet just couldn't decide.                              
"It's such a dilemma!" he cried.                            
"Must all my poems rhyme?                                   
Surely not all of the time?                                 
Or else my professor has lied."                             
                                                            
34671 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Tony Davie               



Knock knock, and the old door bell chimes.                  
"Who's there?" Cries Miss Limerick-Grimes.                  
"It's Anna, that's who."                                    
"Oh yes, Anna who?"                                         
"It's just anapestical rhymes."                             
                                                            
34672 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME                                  



Sometimes my rhymes do come to aught                        
But am I discouraged?  I'm not!                             
Pronoun, adjective, verb;                                   
If it rhymes, that's superb!                                
Hey!  I just do what I ought.                               
                                                            
34673 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Barb                     



Though entering chrysalis fillers                           
Should not be pronounced caterpillars,                      
And although butterflies                                    
Do not leave for the skies,                                 
Correct sounds are sure limerick killers.                   
                                                            
34674 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Prof M-G           TP9806



Our favorite rhyme is "Nantucket" --                        
Goes with "pluck it" and "shuck it" and "bucket."           
"Suck it"'s abused,                                         
Even "Truck it" get used,                                   
And of course you can always just -- chuck it!              
                                                            
34675 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         John Miller 0011         



One last one 'fore I goo.                                   
I'm addicted you see, does it shew?                         
A limerick is done,                                         
When the last word is one                                   
Of the rhymes with the first line or two.                   
                                                            
34676 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME                                  



I've problems with finding a rhyme;                         
I fail at it time after time.                               
So of my depravity                                          
With a female cavity --                                     
Do you mind if I simply mime?                               
                                                            
34677 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME                                  



A willingness to hear accents                               
Boosts humor of rhymes these hacks sent.                    
So take grains of salt,                                     
If not little malt,                                         
And chuckle at verse from back vent.                        
                                                            
34678 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Daniel Ford              



Of love, I'm a lauder and hymner, ex-                       
cercizing my wit with a glimmer, ex-                        
tolling old lovers                                          
Beneath untold covers,                                      
Leaving loons, lust and lies for my Limericks.              
                                                            
34679 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Robin K. Willoughby P8505



There was an old man of Dunnoon                             
Who always ate soup with a fork.                            
For he said, "As I eat,                                     
Neither fish, fowl, nor flesh,                              
I should otherwise finish too quick."                       
                                                            
34680 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Gunjan Saraf             



A limerick writer named Heim,                               
Who loved prehistorical time,                               
Explored his thesaurus                                      
For "melgalosaurus",                                        
Discovering more than one rhyme.                            
                                                            
34681 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         R. J. Winkler       P8505



Composing a lewd limerick                                   
Is hardly a difficult trick.                                
Once you've mastered the stunt                              
Of ramming a cunt,                                          
There's nothing to rhyming a dick.                          
                                                            
34682 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME                             G2402



With limericks, don't forget rhyme;                         
It's overlooked much of the time.                           
This newsgroup gets worse                                   
On ill-conceived verse,                                     
(Though good ones are tuly sublime).                        
                                                            
34683 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Buzzard                  



There was a young fellow from Limerick                      
Found that green fields made him quite hysteric.            
So he sold off his farm                                     
And flew off to the charm                                   
Of regions much more esoteric.                              
                                                            
34684 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         England's Humor Sig P9012



I was looking for something sublime,                        
And have taken a great deal of time.                        
But "whimper"'s a word                                      
That I've often heard,                                      
But I can't find a word that will rhyme.                    
                                                            
34685 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Bob Birch                



Darling, I'm sorry that your inj-                           
Ury forfends fun, she said more in j-                       
Est than in shock,                                          
When a bee stung his cock,                                  
And it swoll up as big as an orange.                        
                                                            
34686 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME                                  



It is said that the name comes from Limerick                
(A place that's Hibernian, not Cymric:)                     
I'm not too impressed                                       
And beg to suggest                                          
That the legend is probably chimeric.                       
                                                            
34687 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         C Bibby                  



When my energy's utterly spent                              
In confining my lyric intent                                
In strict rhyme and meter                                   
To make it sound sweeter,                                   
Should I say "it's been penned" or "been pent"?             
                                                            
34688 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Laurence Perrine    P8505



A man picking flowers on Popocatapetl,                      
Decided to send S R Crockett a petal.                       
When asked would it keep                                    
Through its trip o'er the deep,                             
He said, "Yes, If I carefully lock it up, it'll."           
                                                            
34689 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Maaurice Healy, K C P0204



We all should know that a limerick,                         
Is a psychological gimmerick.                               
Through our defences it peels                               
'Til our psyche reveals,                                    
And we laugh at ourselves 'til we hemmerick.                
                                                            
34690 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Charles K. Watkins       



A limerick writer named Pete                                
Wrote limericks that he thought were neat.                  
When told, "They don't rhyme!"                              
He said, "Your fault, not mine,                             
Because you're reading not right nor complete!"             
                                                            
34691 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh dear! I'm addicted to Limericks!                         
My friends wish that I would turn stummer; "Ick!"s          
And "Yucko"s abound                                         
When I start to expound                                     
On the schticks and the tricks that I hymn fer kicks.       
                                                            
34692 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Robin K. Willoughby P8412



I dreamed that I gave up the Limerick,                      
A prospect that seem rather grim, eh, Nick?                 
But rhymme's a seduction                                    
That caused reduction                                       
And my girl now complains I've a slimmer dick.              
                                                            
34693 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Neal Wilgus         P8505



The last word of line one is "Rhyme A."                     
Treat the second line just the same way.                    
Line three is "Rhyme B,"                                    
And make line four agree;                                   
Line five: back to "Rhyme A," okay?                         
                                                            
34694 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Norm Storer              



All hail to the town of Limerick,                           
Which profices a cognomen, generic,                         
For a species of verse                                      
Which, for better or worse,                                 
Is supported by layman and cleric.                          
                                                            
34695 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         H. L. Reed               



If defined in the usual way,                                
As a verse from rhymed aabba,                               
God himself, a logician                                     
With lots of ambition,                                      
Can't write unrhymed limericks, No Way!                     
                                                            
34696 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Laurence Perrine    P9007



A limerick composer named Pitt                              
Liked rhyming "to wit" with "left tit,"                     
Or "love", "of," and "shove,"                               
With "thin rubber glove,"                                   
And verses that ended in "shit."                            
                                                            
34697 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Armand E Singer       806



Though not very bright, she liked Billy;                    
For him she would wear panties frilly.                      
She'd raise uup her skirt,                                  
That brazen young flirt,                                    
And Lil's frillies thrilled silly Billy.                    
                                                            
34698 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME                                  



As a poet, a young man named Buck,                          
Was utterly lacking in luck.                                
He tried limericks lecherous,                               
But found rhyming quite treacherous,                        
And to rhyme "Buck" and "luck" left him stuck.              
                                                            
34699 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Isaac Asimov             



A mexican family whose                                      
Rhymes were more visual that those,                         
Even though they were rough,                                
They still made lots of dough                               
Of the poems what were penned by Jose.                      
                                                            
34700 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Jim Weaver Collection    



In rhyming I'm very partic'lar;                             
You might even say I'm a stickler.                          
Rhyme babies with ladies,                                   
And I'll wish you in Hades!                                 
Such rhymes stink (please excuse the vernic'lar).           
                                                            
34701 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Don Boen            P8201



When your sex starvation is grim, Rick,                     
And you find your hand on her quim, Rick,                   
Don't move too fast,                                        
Let the Thrill last                                         
And write about it in a limerick.                           
                                                            
34702 LIMS - FACTORS - RHYME         Ed Wolfert               



A limerick has rules like the rest:                         
A-A-B-B-A rhymes the best;                                  
Two feet in lines B,                                        
While the A lines have three;                               
And all feet have the form anapest.                         
                                                            
34703 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll assume that the question's sincere                     
Or likely you'd not persevere                               
But a lim is unique                                         
With a form that is sleek,                                  
And rules that we have to adhere.                           
                                                            
34704 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES                                  



In poetry, scansion's the aim,                              
And meter's the name of the game.                           
Adhering to rules                                           
Divides poets from fools,                                   
And avoids having newsgroupers flame.                       
                                                            
34705 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Jim Weaver Collection    



Thank you for the helpful advice;                           
Now my limericks sound much more nice.                      
It's all in the rhyming                                     
As well as the timing,                                      
And choosing a subject of vice.                             
                                                            
34706 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         kj                       



Freedom of Speech's what it's called                        
And added to that I'm big-balled.                           
The ones who dispute me,                                    
Go ahead, try to shoot me,  (with limericks, of course)     
If you're thinking it's crap that I've scrawled.            
                                                            
34707 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Nawahl Razak             



Once an ass, who likes sonnets, I saw                       
Go "hee-haw" in fourteens, without flaw.                    
But another donkey                                          
Liked the limerick and he                                   
Went "haw-haw," then "hee-hee," and then "haw!"             
                                                            
34708 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Prof M-G                 



Just once in a while, with great tact,                      
You can alter the foot, if it lacks.                        
If the humor demand it,                                     
And scansion can stand it,                                  
You resort to the foot amphibrach.                          
                                                            
34709 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Jim Weaver Collection    



The limerick is Irish haiku;                                
The rhyming is easy to do.                                  
Forget all that jive                                        
About five, seven, five,                                    
And lets have some fun, me and you.                         
                                                            
34710 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Mikey              TP9901



When I write to my sister or friend,                        
I try not to use words that offend.                         
But like baseball's first inning,                           
It's just the beginning;                                    
With limericks, it's how it will end.                       
                                                            
34711 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Bob Birch                



My neighbors have learned what I write,                     
And it's made them a little uptight;                        
They're spooked that my verse                               
Is so grim and perverse;                                    
Now they're locking their windows at night.                 
                                                            
34712 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Cap'n Bean          P0311



With regard to the rhymes I'm purveying,                    
It's a bestial urge I'm obeying.                            
Every word of it's true,                                    
And it's more fun to do,                                    
Than to write about. Know what I'm saying?                  
                                                            
34713 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES                                  



A manic academic fanatic                                    
Was joking, a geezer to panic.                              
No joking, a jerk,                                          
No rhyme, no work;                                          
You're testing my patience titanic.                         
                                                            
34714 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm sorry if that's sounding crude                          
But Malo said lims should be lewd                           
When he ruled the roost.                                    
He liked ladies juiced                                      
And naked and very well screwed.                            
                                                            
34715 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES                                  



'Twas here that he made quite a splash                      
And set himself up for a bash,                              
Which I found a pain                                        
'Cause I wanted Jayne -                                     
Her tits and her flesh and her gash.                        
                                                            
34716 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES                                  



Agreeing with what the Sage sees,                           
The tired old limericks just tease.                         
We know Fuck it and Suck it                                 
Both rhyme with Nantucket,                                  
But come up with something new, please!                     
                                                            
34717 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Jim Weaver Collection    



It certainly is revealing, how                              
Even innocent subjects like cows,                           
When in limerick form                                       
Are the subject of porn;                                    
This is no place for a lady now.                            
                                                            
34718 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES                                  



All the other foot types are a sham,                        
For the purist (who does give a damn);                      
The trochee and the dactyl                                  
Are most often impractical;                                 
And so on, I think, thus I amb.                             
                                                            
34719 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Jim Weaver Collection    



It is just the natural way,                                 
To speak with a limerick sway,                              
And spend all your time,                                    
Just looking for rhyme,                                     
And hoping the girl wants to play.                          
                                                            
34720 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Archie                   



But now, I have to point out,                               
That rules you must not ever flout.                         
Who writes prose in this place,                             
Get a slap in the face                                      
With a partially frozen trout.                              
                                                            
34721 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Ericka                   



On reading this stuff, one would think,                     
You two have been driven to drink.                          
But when I look close,                                      
I do spot the prose --                                      
Provided I read and don't blink.                            
                                                            
34722 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Archie                   



It's easy to speak with the beat,                           
And surprising just who you can meet,                       
When spreading the word                                     
Amongst all the herd,                                       
While sitting right there on your seat.                     
                                                            
34723 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Archie                   



Be damned!  It's a new way to write                         
Our limericks!  Plain out of sight!                         
But all of the rest                                         
Won't go for this test,                                     
And complain and claim it is a fright!                      
                                                            
34724 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Cyber Wizard             



But I sit here and read, what the heck?                     
No matter the form, it's all dreck.                         
But don't get uptight,                                      
I'll still read and write,                                  
As long as you pick up the check.                           
                                                            
34725 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Cyber Wizard             



Now really, you people have got                             
To stop writing prose in this spot.                         
Just look at the FAQ                                        
And get back on the track,                                  
And then I won't have to get hot.                           
                                                            
34726 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Ericka                   



This limerick form conserves space,                         
With ample room left for the chase                          
Of excellent quests,                                        
Like fondling the chests                                    
Of gals who squat down on my face.                          
                                                            
34727 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Travis Brasell           



I think I've gone limerick mad;                             
My speech is incredibly bad.                                
Having feet, anapest,                                       
But you know the rest;                                      
Not to rhyme this last line is forbad.                      
                                                            
34728 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Elliot Schilling    P0205



A limerick writer in training,                              
Was found with some poets complaining.                      
"I have all the time                                        
To write a great rhyme.                                     
I'll search for the rules without straining."               
                                                            
34729 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Al Willis                



The limerick's a well know device,                          
But one should take care and think twice                    
When discussing things panderous,                           
To not be too slanderous,                                   
For then you are skating on thin ice.                       
                                                            
34730 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         Andrew Purdom            



While the limerick's known for its contents,                
It's quite frequently fancy or nonsense;                    
Should the reader be antsy,                                 
There's nonsense and fancy,                                 
But the rules may not seem to be constants.                 
                                                            
34731 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES         J Maynard Kaplan    P0212



Since limericks never do last,                              
Permit me to say to this cast:                              
Like sex, when you do it,                                   
It's quick, so get to it,                                   
And pump out your damn limericks fast!                      
                                                            
34732 LIMS - FACTORS - RULES                                  



Mr Lear, I'm the Akond of Swat;                             
I am gracious and fat                                       
In a very tall hat                                          
And I'm heating a very large pot --                         
You know why, and for whoom, and for what.                  
                                                            
34733 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Ethel Talbot Scheffauer  



I learned limericks from an old nurse:                      
Five lines, bawdy and terse.                                
With sex she subdued me,                                    
With poems seduced me,                                      
Just like going from bed to verse.                          
                                                            
34734 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Sam Pittman        TP9806



Though all work and no play makes jack,                     
It also makes for pain in the back.                         
So take a little time                                       
For funny word rhyme,                                       
Ere your sleepy head his the sack.                          
                                                            
34735 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Daniel Ford              



The time spent in writing a rhyme,                          
Is often considered a crime                                 
By mate who's neglected...                                  
She felt so rejected,                                       
She called me "a bucket of slime!"                          
                                                            
34736 LIMS - ORIGINS                                          



'Twould appear Edward Lear had no peer                      
Writing verse, humor-wrapped, bringing cheer.               
His Nonsense in rhyme                                       
Caught on in due time;                                      
Pioneer whose penned words persevere.                       
                                                            
34737 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Lims In Limelight   P0206



"The Irish connection," says Jean,                          
"Is obviously there to be seen."                            
But just let me be pert:                                    
Aren't we conned for a cert                                 
By blarney, told by a colleen?                              
(on Irish claims to have invented the limerick)             
34738 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Tony Butler         P8501



Professional Irishmen stand                                 
By the statement that it was their land                     
Where the limerick was born,                                
That the verse (not the porn)                               
Issued straight from St. Patrick's own hand.                
                                                            
34739 LIMS - ORIGINS                 A. N. Wilkins       P9106



Some say limerick writers are smart,                        
Setting scanners and rhymers apart.                         
While others do jeer                                        
And say with a Lear,                                        
The writer is just an old fart.                             
                                                            
34740 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Fred Cohen          P8505



I don't need a computer or mouse;                           
I don't need an encouraging spouse.                         
Takes pencil and paper                                      
To make limericks caper;                                    
Don't need Samson to bring down the house.                  
                                                            
34741 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Esther Koch         P9911



There one was a limerick writer                             
Whose limericks got shiter and shiter.                      
'Twas nowt he could do                                      
But run himself through;                                    
'Twas the fate of the poor little blighter.                 
                                                            
34742 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Anon                     



Edward Lear raised his glass in a toas                      
t. I've finally done something to boas                      
t. Limericks one forty four,                                
All clean, but no more,                                     
At last I have written a gross.                             
                                                            
34743 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Fred Cohen          P8505



A severe lack of feminine lims,                             
Our AJL home's lacking wims.                                
No more will the girlies                                    
Give us our fun whirlies --                                 
I think that we've worn out their quims.                    
                                                            
34744 LIMS - ORIGINS                                          



The biographer, Viven Noakes,                               
Discovered a Learian hoax                                   
About 'Danish Descent.'                                     
Lear did not repent,                                        
The dottiest of all masterstrokes.                          
                                                            
34745 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P9706



We know not how limericks started                           
And hope that we never are parted                           
From verses we treasure                                     
In moments of pleasure,                                     
That rhymes likes these have imparted.                      
                                                            
34746 LIMS - ORIGINS                 R. J. Winkler       P8505



There was a young fellow named Reed,                        
Who said, "there's a need, a great need,                    
For a limerick book."                                       
So he maid one--and look,                                   
Here's the book that he made, now proceed.                  
(preamble to 'The Complete Limerick Book', 1924)            
34747 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Langford Reed       P9709



The Formosans foresaw the problem,                          
So they hid, before Mao could condemn,                      
All the good limericks                                      
In a case of chopsticks.                                    
Then they smuggled them out!  Both of them!                 
                                                            
34748 LIMS - ORIGINS                 William N Nesbit         



There was a young man from Peru.                            
Where he's from doesn't matter to you.                      
But in limerick convention                                  
It's worthy of mention,                                     
And it may help the rhyming out, too.                       
                                                            
34749 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Laurence Perrine    P8505



"It's lierature of the absurd!"                             
The critics in chorus concurred.                            
I thought how their theory                                  
Would strike Edward Lear? He                                
'd say, "Nonsense! Their theory's absurd!"                  
                                                            
34750 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Laurence Perrine    P8505



In Elysium, a Tablet appears                                
With remarks one assumes to be Lear's;                      
"I think it's quite great,                                  
Not too long a wait,                                        
Only just over one hundreed years."                         
(comment on Westminster Abbey Lear installation )           
34751 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P8808



Limerick, spelt with one 'M'                                
Is as Irish as Jerusalem.                                   
On whom do we blame,                                        
This mistake in the name,                                   
A man or cherchez la femme!                                 
                                                            
34752 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A limerick's not virgin, you fear,                          
Sans the intercourse that you revere.                       
But in its heyday,                                          
'Twas merely child's play                                   
That began and ends with a LEAR.                            
                                                            
34753 LIMS - ORIGINS                 Limerick Savant          



I tried to come up with a ditty                             
That was clever and clean and still witty.                  
But my failure was utter;                                   
My mind's in the gutter.                                    
Every one I came up with was shitty!                        
                                                            
34754 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      John Miller 0014         



There was a young man who said: "I'd                        
Quite willingly swallow my pride,                           
And admit that my verse                                     
Went from bad to much worse,                                
But at least I can say that I tried."                       
                                                            
34755 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Richard Long             



It's really a matter of knack;                              
The scansion must not be too slack.                         
The question of rhyme                                       
You'll pick up in time.                                     
Soon, like me, you're a hack!                               
                                                            
34756 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Jim Weaver Collection    



On some limericks I stumble and curse                       
For the meter and rhyme are perverse.                       
They should have the right beat                             
And should stand on their feet--                            
They'll be better by far if they're verse.                  
                                                            
34757 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Albin Chaplin       P9207



You labor from midnight to morn,                            
Consuming a gallon of corn.                                 
The last line comes neatly,                                 
You pass out completely,                                    
And this is a limerick born.                                
                                                            
34758 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Playboy Book of Limericks



Oft while driving from home to the lab,                     
With the news read, I take a first stab                     
At the limerick -- which poem                               
Oft improves driving home...                                
But at other times calls for rehab.                         
                                                            
34759 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Prof M-G           TP9806



I wish I could pen a good limerick                          
To Tessie the queenly, on timber tick                       
Before time and the breeze                                  
And the ticks in the trees                                  
Snuff out and blow out and dim her wick.                    
                                                            
34760 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      William K. Alsop    P8910



If in traffic I'm stuck on the road,                        
I see guys lose their patience, a load.                     
But while they blow their stack,                            
I just calmly relax,                                        
And think up another bad ode.                               
                                                            
34761 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Anon                     



A limerick's easy to write                                  
And provides a brief respite,                               
From sonnets and plays                                      
On cold winter days,                                        
And also on hot summer nights.                              
                                                            
34762 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Anon                     



I've been lurking around for a while,                       
And some of the rhymes made me smile.                       
Then I thought to myself,                                   
Let's hop down from the shelf                               
And discolor the group with some bile.                      
                                                            
34763 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Mr. Malo                 



This limerick writing's an art,                             
But I'm just not feeling too smart.                         
With meter and rhyme,                                       
I'm doing just fine;                                        
The humor is the hard part.                                 
                                                            
34764 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Peter Derr               



Things can always get worse than they seem;                 
I'm inventing a limerick machine.                           
And when I am done,                                         
Where today I wrote one,                                    
Tomorrow, one hundred fifteen!                              
                                                            
34765 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      John Miller 0039a        



On occasion while writing, I swear,                         
Comes a haunting thought quite hard to bear.                
Did my rhyme accompli                                       
Spring pristine out of me,                                  
Or did I see the fifth line somewhere?                      
                                                            
34766 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



I have a limerick addiction,                                
Rhyming from fact and from fiction.                         
I lay away in my bed                                        
With rhymes filling my head.                                
How many more have this affliction?                         
                                                            
34767 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Funny Bone               



I don't require voyeurism to write                          
(He typed with a great deal of spite).                      
It doesnt need to be stiif,                                 
To write down a riff,                                       
But if I merit it, please give me a sight!                  
                                                            
34768 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Anon                     



There are some here who just seem to drool,                 
At lyrics that stiffen their tool.                          
If you get writers block,                                   
With the state of your cock,                                
Does it make you a lecherous fool?                          
                                                            
34769 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Anon                     



Are there some here that get out their bits?                
(I'm not averse to the sight of some tits)                  
Do I need lots of fame                                      
To acquire their name?                                      
Or should I sit here just squeezing my zits?                
                                                            
34770 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Anon                     



Will these rude words, my clean mind convert?               
Will I end up just one more pervert?                        
Oh damn, do your worst,                                     
If I am to be cursed,                                       
But make sure your rhyming will divert.                     
                                                            
34771 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Anon                     



I've not written poems for some time,                       
For I could think of no shit that would rhyme.              
"Ha!" said my muse,                                         
"Here's a fucking excuse:                                   
Your the world's first limerick mime!"                      
                                                            
34772 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Jeeves              T9710



This holiday, before we begin                               
To visit our holiday kin,                                   
For whatever it's worth,                                    
I'll prepare for the dirth                                  
Of limericks in here again.                                 
                                                            
34773 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION                               



Let vocab lightly echo Roget;                               
Fool around with odd rhymes every day.                      
Let word gems decorate                                      
What your brains fabricate;                                 
Next come plot twists, then, final okay.                    
                                                            
34774 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Esther Koch              



Limericks you should not confuse                            
With things like tobacco and booze.                         
I am not addicted,                                          
Hooked or inflicted.                                        
I CAN QUIT ANY TIME THAT I CHOOSE!                          
                                                            
34775 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      John Miller              



I stare at this monitor dumbly;                             
My grey-matter flaky and crumbly.                           
Then quick as a flash,                                      
A few lines I off dash,                                     
Then relapse into senselessness numbly.                     
                                                            
34776 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION                               



A limerick has only five lines;                             
The first two and last one all rhyme.                       
Lines four and three                                        
Must rhyme perfectly,                                       
While the rhyme is somewhat like mine.                      
                                                            
34777 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      VOL 1                    



There are some who find LimGen sublime,                     
Because they have taken the time                            
To think up something clever,                               
But others could never                                      
String three words together that rhyme.                     
                                                            
34778 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION                               



The words that spew forth seem quite bright;                
Then I think?  Am I sure?  Is this right?                   
To spend all your time                                      
Watching limerick rhyme.                                    
Shit!  I'll have to stay up all the night!                  
                                                            
34779 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION                               



So I'll watch and I'll learn and I'll take                  
A page from a mag...Take a break                            
And I'll watch and I'll holler                              
I'm sure you'll all foller                                  
And I'll sit here and think...for fucks sake.               
                                                            
34780 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION                               



Is limerick writing an art                                  
That Muses see fit to impart?                               
Some deem it the craft                                      
Of those who are daft,                                      
Dispensing their thoughts ala carte.                        
                                                            
34781 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      R. J. Winkler       P8505



At a web site called Toastpoint.com,                        
There's a menu to choose first lines from.                  
Add four more of your own,                                  
Whether nice or off-tone,                                   
And get starred if they shine with aplomb!                  
(Toastpoint used to have ongoing contests)                  
34782 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Prof M-G                 



The fact is, your poem is perverse.                         
To your scansion, I am adverse.                             
For only great fools                                        
Flout a limerick's rules;                                   
You have taken a turn for the verse.                        
                                                            
34783 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Jim Weaver Collection    



In "How to Write Limericks" by Rose,                        
"Inside of one's shredder one throws                        
A Webster's, then takes                                     
Some shreddings and makes                                   
Them lie in five half-even rows."                           
                                                            
34784 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Irving Superior     P9304



Now some of my rhymes are absurd.                           
I try to avoid a cuss word.                                 
Rhyme and meter take over,                                  
And I'm a pushover                                          
For "titty" and "pecker" and "turd".                        
                                                            
34785 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Al Willis           T9707



In order to get things to rhyme,                            
You not only must take the time,                            
To get in some schtick;                                     
For a good limerick,                                        
Is witty, upbeat and sublime!                               
                                                            
34786 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Coolbreeze               



A limerick's a damn fine excuse                             
For lingering over the juice.                               
But the trouble with that                                   
Is that after you've sat,                                   
The limerick don't wanna let loose.                         
                                                            
34787 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Neal Wilgus         P8505



A maddening pet peeve of mine                               
Is completing the very last line                            
Of an otherise terse                                        
And symetrical verse,                                       
So I just write it first--it works fine.                    
                                                            
34788 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Mike Dale                



A well-written limerick is lewd,                            
Vile, disgusting and crude.                                 
If you find it hard                                         
To play the bard,                                           
Try writing them while in the nude!                         
                                                            
34789 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      Van                      



I can't seem to think straight no more,                     
And writing's becoming a chore.                             
I start but then block,                                     
And my brain's like a rock,                                 
And my lims smell like hermit Dave's whore.                 
                                                            
34790 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION      John Gearhart            



I have the same symptoms as Jon.                            
My creative spark is all gone.                              
If only dear Carol                                          
Would lube up my barrel,                                    
Choice limericks thenceforth I would spawn.                 
                                                            
34791 LIMS - ORIGINS - CREATION                               



From the first joke that ever was told,                     
The topics have never grown old.                            
E.g., Aristophanes                                          
Spoofed sex, drugs, celebraties;                            
Don't pretend that you do something bold.                   
                                                            
34792 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY                                



Mourned a limerick written by Aiken,                        
"Sometimes when at night I awaken,                          
And think but for Lear,                                     
I wouldn't be here.                                         
O how by that thought I am shaken."                         
                                                            
34793 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Conrad Aiken             



There once was a fellow named Dave                          
Who to cute little rhymes was a slave.                      
He's no longer surviving                                    
Since he read them while driving                            
And the last thing he read: Burma-Shave.                    
                                                            
34794 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Don Moore           P0301



Some say it all stared with Lear,                           
But limeral history's not clear.                            
For in Ireland's small cities,                              
They sang of firm titties,                                  
Though no one's quite sure of the year.                     
                                                            
34795 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Bob Birch                



The bidding was fierce and obscene;                         
Some Limericks were caught in between                       
Two bidders dead set,                                       
This mint first to get:                                     
The Swann song was $417.                                    
(Norman Douglas' book sold for this in 1991                 
34796 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Cliff Scheiner      P9203



In Limerick, the name of one town,                          
The lads at the pub would sit down                          
To sing of young lasses,                                    
With rotund little asses,                                   
Each adding his own clever round.                           
                                                            
34797 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Bob Birch                



An insane old king made, for a time                         
The writing of limericks, a crime.                          
But all through the night,                                  
Dissidents would write                                      
Verse with excellent meter and rhyme.                       
                                                            
34798 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY                                



Here is Edward Lear and some friends,                       
With verse with nonsensical ends;                           
Here's no atom of meaning                                   
That's really worth gleaning,                               
But our laughter makes final amends.                        
                                                            
34799 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       E. O. Parrott            



I would certainly not be adverse,                           
And would gladly risk the Mummy's curse,                    
If I could but unearth                                      
A scroll from Egypt's turf,                                 
Of some hieroglyphs in five line verse.                     
                                                            
34800 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



A thought to my mind did arrive;                            
'Tis worth keeping our memories alive!                      
And so I must ask,                                          
Is it someone's task                                        
To keep all these lims in archive?                          
                                                            
34801 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       C Anton                  



This here is my very last Ditty;                            
It isn't especially witty.                                  
I hope you enjoyed                                          
This means I've employed                                    
To excel, just like old Walter Mitty.                       
(the last 365th limerick in John Miller's series)           
34802 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       John Miller 0365         



If you work you way into the past                           
And browse through the limerick's cast,                     
You'll see that old Lear                                    
Wasn't first born in here,                                  
Though he was the first one to last.                        
                                                            
34803 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Niels Knoop              



I went to my local bookstore                                
And found they had "Legman" galore.                         
They had both his books,                                    
And for thirty "bucks",                                     
I picked them both up off the floor!                        
                                                            
34804 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY                                



Where do old limericks go?                                  
Some good ones were here long ago.                          
Do they dissapate                                           
Or some similar fate?                                       
Thanks to you if you happen to know.                        
                                                            
34805 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Chris Bolivar            



Lear may the first limericks have versed,                   
But these days his style does seem cursed.                  
His first four are fine,                                    
But the man's final line                                    
Seems simply to echo the first.                             
                                                            
34806 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Stan Armstrong           



Too bad Mr. Lear ain't alive                                
To see how his brainchild doth thrive;                      
But he might go grey                                        
At how we, today,                                           
Don't copy line one in line five.                           
                                                            
34807 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Norm Storer              



Prehistory covers a time                                    
When limericks wern't in their prime;                       
For the people back then                                    
Had no pencil or pen,                                       
And they hadn't discovered the rhyme.                       
                                                            
34808 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Cap'n Bean          P0204



The first limerick writer, Ed Lear,                         
Wrote nothing so vulgar, I fear.                            
Good fun was his aim,                                       
Which brought him great fame,                               
So please don't talk out of your rear.                      
                                                            
34809 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Sue Mitchell             



There was an old limerick so naughty                        
That it traveled from potty to potty,                       
Reaping shameful cognition                                  
By oral tradition;                                          
It was polished and now it is haughty.                      
                                                            
34810 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Albin Chaplin   3024-0011



The limericks that here are exhibited                       
Are bold and downright uninhibited,                         
We warn ladies meek                                         
It was only last week,                                      
They were banned and suppressed and prohibited.             
                                                            
34811 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Jim Weaver Collection    



God sat in his heaven, contented,                           
As limericks foul he invented.                              
On the Bible, I swear,                                      
If I only were there,                                       
This invention I would have prevented.                      
                                                            
34812 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY       Al Chaplin               



At a Web site called toastpoint.com                         
There's a menu to choose first lines from;                  
Add four more of your own,                                  
Whether nice, or off-tone,                                  
And get starred if they shine with aplomb!                  
(Toastpoint had a website  promoting limericks)             
34813 LIMS - ORIGINS - HISTORY                                



My thoughts fly like birds made of lead.                    
My limerick muse must have fled.                            
So what's the solution?                                     
Well, here's my conclusion:                                 
Like flowers, I'll stay in my bed.                          
                                                            
34814 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Tiddy Ogg                



If you have a flair for light verse,                        
And can keep your verbosity terse,                          
Get your muse to perform                                    
In the limerick form,                                       
And write us one better or worse!                           
                                                            
34815 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          East Coast Lims     P0310



If my limericks couldn't be crude,                          
My muse would really be screwed.                            
If I couldn't play facile                                   
With shit, fuck, and asshole,                               
I'd be a miserable, unhappy dude.                           
                                                            
34816 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          John Chastaine           



My outburst of self-defecation,                             
(Unworthy of your commendation                              
For which I've much gratitude)                              
Is always my attitude,                                      
When straining from muse-constipation.                      
                                                            
34817 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE                                   



I'm lonely and sad and bereft,                              
Deserted by muses who left.                                 
I now cannot write                                          
With scansion that's tight,                                 
And thoughts of a bosomy cleft.                             
                                                            
34818 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Archie                   



I cannot write verses today;                                
My muse is reluctant to play.                               
Instead I'll just jot                                       
Down some words such as "twat"                              
And arrange them face down on a tray.                       
                                                            
34819 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Peter Wilkins            



Then closing my eyes, I shall pick                          
A word out at random like..."lick".                         
Good heavens!  And "lips":                                  
And the third on is "drips",                                
So the last, I presume, must be "ice cream"?                
                                                            
34820 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Peter Wilkins            



I pray for an internet ban                                  
On limericks that don't even scan,                          
But merely abuse                                            
Dear Erato, our muse.                                       
'Twere best they were flushed down the can.                 
                                                            
34821 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Johnny Randy             



Folk once posted limericks in reams,                        
But now we've a desert, it seems.                           
Long gone's that oasis,                                     
That once formed the basis                                  
Of many lads' sticky wet dreams.                            
                                                            
34822 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Tiddy Ogg                



Whenever there's a limerick drought,                        
I'm tempted to fuss, fume, and pout;                        
Instead though, with qualms,                                
And lathered up palms,                                      
I'll quickly just whip my own out!                          
                                                            
34823 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Travis Brasell           



I'm working from home, don't you know,                      
Though it's going exceedingly slow;                         
But my limerick muse                                        
Is still lighting my fuse,                                  
So I think I'll just go with the flow.                      
                                                            
34824 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE                                   



I'm eating some crackers in bed.                            
I write what comes into my head.                            
My paper is blank.                                          
My muse is a crank --                                       
Who won't sleep with crumbs -- so he said.                  
                                                            
34825 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE                                   



If your muse is feeling quite crummy,                       
He may suffer from upset tummy.                             
So put him to sleep,                                        
Then quitely creep                                          
Over here where it's constantly sunny!                      
                                                            
34826 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE                                   



I too was suffering writer's block.                         
I sat here and stared at the clock.                         
With no inspiration,                                        
In total frustration,                                       
But now I see plenty of schlock!                            
                                                            
34827 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Anon                     



My muse will not come here and sup                          
Of coffee; I'm having a cup.                                
My thoughts are quite trite,                                
So I think I shall write                                    
About the first thing to come up.                           
                                                            
34828 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE                                   



Upon this commode I oft sit                                 
Until a wee ode I have writ;                                
It helps me to thinkle                                      
While having a tinkle,                                      
And when it's completed, I shit.                            
                                                            
34829 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Peter Wilkins            



I fear, though, I've been in a slump;                       
My muse has gone taken a jump.                              
But now I've completed                                      
This ode while I'm seated.                                  
My God!  Am I needing a dump!                               
                                                            
34830 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Peter Wilkins            



My muse arrives only in fall;                               
For three seasons I write not at all.                       
I swear it to you;                                          
It's strange but it's true;                                 
Autumn Mania has me climbing the wall.                      
                                                            
34831 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Mike Desso               



I've been on a limerick hiatus;                             
My muse had an MIA status.                                  
She often eludes me                                         
And this thus procludes me                                  
From passing words worth more than flatus.                  
                                                            
34832 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE                                   



It has been a horrid long time                              
Since I've felt like attempting a rhyme.                    
My muse went away                                           
But her visit today                                         
Means I'll sit down and write one sublime.                  
                                                            
34833 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE                                   



A limericker woke from his snooze,                          
Got into his best running shoes,                            
And worked up a sweat                                       
With a butterfly net,                                       
As he tried to recapture his muse.                          
                                                            
34834 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Cyber Geezer             



Limerick muses -- don't fight 'em,                          
Or spite 'em or slight 'em -- delight 'em.                  
Relax and invite 'em                                        
To write 'n' rewrite 'em,                                   
Et cetera ad infinitum.                                     
                                                            
34835 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Peter Wilkins            



And Travis and this here new guy,                           
On themselves they can always rely,                         
To vent writer's block,                                     
With their hand on their cock,                              
Will never leave them high and dry.                         
                                                            
34836 LIMS - ORIGINS - MUSE          Anon                     



My lim cyber-age is two years;                              
I entered this place with some fears.                       
But put forth my stuff.                                     
Be damned!  No rebuff!                                      
So I hope that I'm here among peers.                        
                                                            
34837 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



There's limericks plenty I'm sending,                       
They've left here, but there ain't no ending.               
One more senile cock;                                       
Fucked up system clock!                                     
To dotage I'm quickly descending.                           
                                                            
34838 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



A Rose, for some limericks, has chased 'em,                 
And, catching a few, he won't waste 'em;                    
To keep 'em from dying,                                     
(And all of us crying!)                                     
He'll copy them buggars, then paste 'em.                    
                                                            
34839 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



I sit here and drink me a cup;                              
Post rhymes while I breakfast and sup.                      
Then read 'em all night                                     
While I howl with delight;                                  
It's a good thing I crack myself up!                        
                                                            
34840 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



A bevy of beauties once penned                              
Their lim'ricks about how they've sinned.                   
But now they're so quiet;                                   
Is there some new diet                                      
They've tried that has left them quite thinned?             
                                                            
34841 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



So thanks for your patience proverb'al;                     
Hope that I didn't disturb y'all.                           
Once this has been read,                                    
I'll hide 'neath the bed,                                   
Out of fear that the Limerick cops you'll call.             
                                                            
34842 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



If I had the time to be witty,                              
I'd make all my Limericks pretty.                           
I'd sit in my chair                                         
With my feet in the air,                                    
And laugh at the folks in the city.                         
                                                            
34843 LIMS - PEOPLE                  Billy                    



If there's one thing that I regret most,                    
Then it's publishing just for the boast.                    
These poems you see                                         
Are written for free;                                       
There's never a check in the post.                          
                                                            
34844 LIMS - PEOPLE                  Richard Long             



When asked to compose a wry ditty,                          
All rhymers from country and city,                          
Every Susan and Dick                                        
Came up with a trick                                        
To write limericks nitty and gritty.                        
                                                            
34845 LIMS - PEOPLE                  Tony Davie Collection    



These limericks often are crude,                            
In fact, they can be rather rude.                           
To enjoy them, you see,                                     
It is best you not be                                       
Very modest, a saint, or a prude.                           
                                                            
34846 LIMS - PEOPLE                  Cap'n Bean               



My summer vacation is due,                                  
But this year I'm working it through,                       
For many a week.                                            
Though I'll often-times peek,                               
I'll be adding much less to this stew.                      
                                                            
34847 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



There was an old man with a beard,                          
Who was sober and sane it appeared;                         
'Til one day in his bed                                     
He read verses by Ed-                                       
Ward and now he's eccentric and weird.                      
                                                            
34848 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



Now that I've come back to the group,                       
My skills I must try to recoup.                             
Is the love of my pen                                       
After whom I still yen,                                     
Still here to put up with my poop?                          
                                                            
34849 LIMS - PEOPLE                                           



A poet named Heinrich Himmerlich                            
Finally published a limerick.                               
His maniacal chortle                                        
Proclaimed "I'm immortal!"                                  
But alas, his renown was ephemeric.                         
                                                            
34850 LIMS - PEOPLE                  Cybergeezer              



Something is missing in here;                               
Why doesn't our Tony appear?                                
Has something gone wrong                                    
With his kitty kat farm                                     
Or worse.  He's been missing all year.                      
                                                            
34851 LIMS - PEOPLE                  Nawahl                   



Seems the limerick's completely obsessed us.                
Soon the poetry police will arrest us --                    
For to take such delight                                    
In the nonsense we write,                                   
It borders on downright incest'ous.                         
                                                            
34852 LIMS - PEOPLE                  Mary Sullivan            



Sweet Jesus!  What happened to Peter?                       
His dick, he has said, spanned a meter --                   
Could it be that his trunk                                  
Has shriveled and shrunk,                                   
While his tongue grew, the better to eat her?               
                                                            
34853 LIMS - PEOPLE                  John Miller              



Has he worn that poor thing to a nub?                       
Is the head there, or only the stub,                        
Laid bloody and bare                                        
By rough pubic hair,                                        
More suited to pots that you scrub?                         
                                                            
34854 LIMS - PEOPLE                  John Miller              



On tiring of dear, patient Bess                             
And hoping for less of a mess,                              
Did he seek 'midst the coral                                
Some solace more oral                                       
And sharks leave him sporting much less?                    
                                                            
34855 LIMS - PEOPLE                  John Miller              



Or was he alone in the tub,                                 
Just giving his member a rub,                               
When the bulk of his pole                                   
Escaped down the hole,                                      
While inducing a major hubbub?                              
                                                            
34856 LIMS - PEOPLE                  John Miller              



From here speculation is rife...                            
Did that penis fall prey to Pete's wife?                    
Or a sexual disease,                                        
Of, if you please,                                          
A Mohel with a very sharp knife?                            
                                                            
34857 LIMS - PEOPLE                  John Miller              



The authorities can't put a ban on                          
That incontinent scribbler, Anon:                           
He's rudely demotic,                                        
Lewd, coarse and erotic,                                    
And has written nine-tenths of the canon.                   
                                                            
34858 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Eva Amata                



What folly to fix home upon                                 
These verses to carry fame on!                              
Whether crafted with ill                                    
Or with consumate skill,                                    
They will all be ascribed to Anon.                          
                                                            
34859 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Laurence Perrine    P8505



I really have plenty of time                                
To make all my writing sublime.                             
I cannot ignore                                             
That I'm just eighty-four,                                  
And I'm swiftly approaching my PRIME.                       
                                                            
34860 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Billy                    



A fortnight has passed since I've posted                    
A limerick wherein I've boasted                             
Of peregrinations                                           
And hot procreations,                                       
With women whose pussies I've hosted.                       
                                                            
34861 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



A Limerick I want to compose,                               
With letters all in straight rows.                          
It should be quite brief                                    
To avoid any grief,                                         
Unlike most of my prose.                                    
                                                            
34862 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



An author some labeled a cheater,                           
Could always maintain perfect metre.                        
To write, was the trick,                                    
While stroking his dick,                                    
And he signed all his limericks By Peter.                   
                                                            
34863 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Bob Birch           P0204



As writers of limericks prolific,                           
We strive to be more than specific.                         
Deft use of the rhyme                                       
And a good paradigm,                                        
Often results as horrific.                                  
                                                            
34864 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        The Sailor          P0306



An American writer of verse                                 
Wrote limericks vulgar and terse.                           
Said his victims, who groaned                               
And unceasingly moaned,                                     
"At leaast it can not get much worse..."                    
                                                            
34865 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Alastair Thompson        



There is not much to do in the sticks,                      
Except screw all the time just like hicks.                  
So for a change of pace                                     
And to obtain some grace,                                   
I thought I'd try to write limericks.                       
                                                            
34866 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



So how 'bout the rest of you limerickers?                   
Are you out in the stickers?                                
On some big farm?                                           
(Tell - there's no harm)                                    
Or mostly just city slickers?                               
                                                            
34867 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



As a writer of limericks naughty,                           
(I've penned about thirty or forty.)                        
It's much harder, old bean,                                 
To write squeaky clean;                                     
That's what my experience taught me.                        
                                                            
34868 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Lim E. Rick              



Should you think we could never defend                      
These effusions, collected and penned,                      
As we bid you adieu,                                        
We could say -- shame on you                                
To have followed us through to the end.                     
                                                            
34869 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Hugh Oliver         A140D



There was a young man said, "So what                        
If some of my rhymes ain't so hot?                          
If the scanning arrived at                                  
Is somewhat contrived at,                                   
I'd still rather write them than not."                      
                                                            
34870 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Richard Long             



No curse, but a nasty disease;                              
Ten times worse than a cough or a sneeze.                   
It's an awful affliction;                                   
A dreadful addiction                                        
Which makes me write verses like these.                     
                                                            
34871 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



It is said there's a Limericker's curse                     
That takes such a pleasure perverse                         
In our piteous plight,                                      
As we frenziedly  fight,                                    
But can now only make matters verse.                        
                                                            
34872 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



A limerick writer named Mickey                              
Was guzzling his 15th lime rickey.                          
It gave him the traction                                    
To spring into action                                       
When ever the last line got sticky.                         
                                                            
34873 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Oberober                 



A fellow from old Tennessee                                 
Enjoyed limericks and all poetry;                           
While verses he made,                                       
He was truly dismayed                                       
At how hard this really could be!                           
                                                            
34874 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



All these poems I have penned,                              
Each shares a nice common trend.                            
For some at the start                                       
May appear to be art,                                       
But they all go downhill at the end.                        
                                                            
34875 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Richard Long             



If limericks were all that we said                          
And limericks were all that we read,                        
What a world it would be                                    
For people like me,                                         
With rhyming entrenched in their head.                      
                                                            
34876 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Bob Leclerc              



My poetical writing is rare,                                
And I'm now in the throes of despair.                       
But now and again,                                          
Like the rain down in Spain,                                
A limerick falls from the air!                              
                                                            
34877 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Little John         T9801



If you write just line one, you're a bum;                   
Two lines and you get a ho-hum.                             
Three lines are still bad,                                  
And with four you're a cad,                                 
But five gets you plaudits from some.                       
                                                            
34878 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Albin Chaplin   3024-0015



Oh Gertrude, where has she now gone?                        
Just lately the sun hasn't shone.                           
Is true what I heard                                        
You've given us the bird;                                   
Was your last lim your real swansong?                       
                                                            
34879 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



With balls and holes and shafts,                            
A master of the this craft                                  
Of limerickese                                              
Should find it no tease,                                    
To give us all a good laugh.                                
                                                            
34880 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



You know how to make my gear hard,                          
You saucy poetical bard.                                    
Your words cause a movement                                 
I see as improvement;                                       
Give inches and you'll make a yard.                         
                                                            
34881 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



All writers of limericks are nuts --                        
On this there are no ifs or buts.                           
It's really no fun                                          
For it's usually done                                       
With no brains -- but you've got to have guts.              
                                                            
34882 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Neal Wilgus         P8505



At limericks, I have ability;                               
I say that with greatest humility.                          
But I won't knock on wood                                   
If you say they're no good,                                 
And the whole thing is just one big sillity.                
                                                            
34883 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Chairman Steve           



Old H's the best, I declare,                                
And your's is quite good, to be fair.                       
But I've not seen a lim                                     
From Malo or him --                                         
Have they both disappeared in thin air?                     
                                                            
34884 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        John Miller              



This is to writers like Amie,                               
Who quoted me, but did not name me.                         
I'm flattered, of course,                                   
But mention your source --                                  
If not, I might force you to pay me.                        
                                                            
34885 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        O V Michaelsen      P9811



I'm  probably wasting my time                               
Perfecting a limerick's rhyme.                              
It's better to give them                                    
Immaculate rhythm,                                          
For then they can reach the sublime.                        
                                                            
34886 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Larry Dahl               



Laureates damn with a curse                                 
The lecherous limerick verse.                               
But my pen can't refuse                                     
That lewd little muse;                                      
I'll double-entendre in my hearse.                          
                                                            
34887 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Bruce Thompson           



To those needing rhyme words for Cards,                     
In insane asylums, the guards                               
Will show you the cell                                      
Where verse writers dwell,                                  
Right next to the limerick retards.                         
                                                            
34888 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Irving Superior     P8612



At night when I'm lying abed,                               
A limerick just pops in my head.                            
I chuckle with pleasure                                     
And joy beyond measure,                                     
But next day, there's nothing instead.                      
                                                            
34889 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Monique de Plume         



There once was a fellow called James,                       
Who liked to make puns and play games.                      
He liked limericks best,                                    
And was never a pest,                                       
But he knew lots of folks with weird names.                 
                                                            
34890 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Dena Norton              



When John hits the three sixty-five,                        
Are you sure he will still be alive?                        
But it sure would be neat                                   
If he managed to beat                                       
Old Methusela's nine hundred and five.                      
                                                            
34891 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Peter Wilkins            



When John Miller hits three sixty-five,                     
We'll feel all aglow and alive.                             
They were all very good                                     
And I think that he should                                  
Continue, and that is no jive.                              
                                                            
34892 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Al Willis                



Two hobbies has Frederick Hines.                            
He, limericks and fishing combines.                         
When out on a pier                                          
And musing on Lear,                                         
He fishes while using five lines.                           
                                                            
34893 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Irving Superior     P9203



So familiar to me was his name,                             
I wondered to what was his aim.                             
After Barbie departed                                       
Lim writing he's started?                                   
I think he is one and the same.                             
                                                            
34894 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



Once Kitten would purr on the spur                          
Of the moment, then what would occur                        
Was limericks naughty,                                      
But since she got haughty,                                  
She silently licks her own fur.                             
                                                            
34895 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



When prompted to write a Limerick,                          
A rhyme I just couldn't pick.                               
Though I thought really hard,                               
(I'm not much of a bard)                                    
The last line had to end with a kick.                       
                                                            
34896 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



The TV this evening was boring                              
And soon I was sleeping and snoring;                        
And that's why I'm here,                                    
Well past midnight I fear,                                  
Writing verses exceeding deploring.                         
                                                            
34897 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



In order to sex educate,                                    
I went to a sex surrogate.                                  
Twelve lessons--four weeks.                                 
Of homework she speaks.                                     
My limericks this month will be late.                       
                                                            
34898 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Irving Superior     P9409



I possess an ambiguous name,                                
And that's why I chase after fame,                          
For  the name, "Robin Kay,"                                 
Sounds male, WASP-y, and gay,                               
And I want folks to know I'm a dame.                        
                                                            
34899 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Robin K. Willoughby P8402



There was a young fellow named Don;                         
His limericks ran on and on.                                
As more subjects arose,                                     
The more he'd compose.                                      
His ideas just never are gone.                              
                                                            
34900 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Bernard Gluck            



I'm elated to offer that I'm                                
Equal to the task of a good rhyme,                          
Since I'm the possessor                                     
Of a Word Processor,                                        
Many monkeys and much idle time.                            
                                                            
34901 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



If one touched by the limerick curse                        
Should insist that he read you his verse,                   
Make post haste for the door                                
For he doubtless has more                                   
Bad habits, maybe some even worse!                          
                                                            
34902 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        William N. Nesbit   P9605



I've used up the locations that rhyme                       
With limericks and names all the time.                      
There's little to do                                        
Except write a haiku,                                       
Or think of a suitable crime.                               
                                                            
34903 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Mike O'Conner            



Compared to an average limericker,                          
A greeting card verser is sicker.                           
To write saccharine                                         
And never obscene                                           
Needs ulcers with linings much thicker.                     
                                                            
34904 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Irving Superior     P8612



There was a young man who said, "Blow it!                   
Something is wrong and I know it.                           
For I try all I can,                                        
But I can't rhyme or scan,                                  
So I'll never make it as a poet."                           
                                                            
34905 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Richard Long             



A failed limerick writer, Demyers,                          
Unwilling to join the keep-tryers,                          
Quit way too early,                                         
Then got quite surly                                        
When his story got no willing buyers.                       
                                                            
34906 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Jim Weaver Collection    



One day in the Emerald Isle,                                
I was writing haiku by the mile.                            
But I craved a sensation --                                 
Limerick metric elation --                                  
Every other form 'twas mis'rabile.                          
                                                            
34907 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Buckaroo                 



We English are patient enough,                              
Though we often find Yanks a bit bluff.                     
We do not offend                                            
With verses we've penned                                    
On musicians and other such stuff.                          
                                                            
34908 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Alastair Thompson        



My limericks are done on the spot;                          
The one simple talent I've got.                             
My agent, when paid,                                        
Ran off to get laid.                                        
The royalties have not been so hot.                         
                                                            
34909 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Frank Fazed              



I offer this brief explanation                              
With hope it will end speculation,                          
About my own whereabouts,                                   
A fortnight, or thereabouts,                                
Lest morons are thinking: "Vacation?"                       
                                                            
34910 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



Marsha, yes it's Balto again.                               
My heart's broken, I'm really in pain.                      
To get me in shit                                           
With the Sage is the pits.                                  
I beg you don't do that again!                              
                                                            
34911 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



Anon was the first, I believe,                              
This naughty verse form to conceive.                        
But then they were not                                      
All juicy and hot;                                          
The lims were quite tame, you'll perceive.                  
                                                            
34912 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Anon                     



It's been a very long while, I must say;                    
The way this life goes, I'm away.                           
So now I am back                                            
To launch my attack,                                        
In the form of a limerick a day.                            
                                                            
34913 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Nawahl Razak             



While I'd deem it somewhat of a crime                       
To have writer's block in a rhyme,                          
It would be less perverse                                   
To first run out of verse,                                  
Than have earlier run out of time.                          
                                                            
34914 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



A man with a price on his head                              
Was no poet, most folks often said.                         
He won't rob your purse                                     
But he murders his verse,                                   
Till you pay him to stop it, instead.                       
                                                            
34915 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Erin Hinds               



An effete poetaster of Corning,                             
From the moment he wakes in the morning,                    
Is obscenely obsessed                                       
(He has often confessed)                                    
By a passion for limerick porning.                          
                                                            
34916 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Keith MacMillan     AO17B



There are Internet viri and worse,                          
Such as punsters and people who curse.                      
But then up from the mist                                   
Rises the limercist,                                        
Thought by some, polymorphous perverse.                     
                                                            
34917 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



There once was a young man who said:                        
"I have always been bored when I've read                    
Poems Byronic,                                              
So I find it ironic                                         
When limericks pour from my head."                          
                                                            
34918 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Richard Long             



There was a young fellow named Frank                        
Whose limericks are of a high rank.                         
He'll rhyme and he'll scan                                  
As few other can,                                           
Which is pretty good for a Yank!                            
                                                            
34919 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Sue Mitchell             



I know if Bill does take his time,                          
He'll find some clean words that might rhyme.               
Some say his are stronger,                                  
But remember mine longer,                                   
For it's hard to forget smut and slime.                     
                                                            
34920 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Bob Birch           P9912



The spouse of a limerick writer                             
Was arrested for trying to slight her.                      
He spoke only in prose                                      
And everyone knows                                          
He did it on purpose to spite her!                          
                                                            
34921 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Pecos Bill               



A limrist whose metre was vile,                             
Admits to his wife with a smile,                            
"My weak endings are phoney...                              
Syllabic baloney,                                           
But we!...Don't we finish in style!"                        
                                                            
34922 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Tutta Gioia              



There are others here who write better;                     
Their lims work out right to the letter.                    
They might give more thought;                               
I know that I ought,                                        
But, perfection is such a fetter!                           
                                                            
34923 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Jim Weaver Collection    



A young fellow that people called Dick                      
Tried composing a good limerick.                            
Since he spent so much time                                 
Without finding a rhyme,                                    
He deserved, in the end, a swift kick.                      
                                                            
34924 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Book of Limericks   P9804



About limericks, there's this CANARD                        
That says they all should be barred,                        
Or of those that write 'em,                                 
Be sure to invite 'em                                       
To ride poles all feathered and tarred.                     
                                                            
34925 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Chris Papa               



"They've rejected both me and my best,"                     
Said Tom Becket, the sad limericist.                        
"More than just a scant few,"                               
Said, as did Henry II,                                      
"Who will rid us of this anapest?"                          
                                                            
34926 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Jim Weaver Collection    



This morning as I lay in bed,                               
And poetry ran through my head,                             
I thought I could say                                       
Something special today,                                    
But I just wrote these limericks instead.                   
                                                            
34927 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Ray Gessler              



The limerick's a form of great art                          
And it has been. of course, from the start.                 
For better or worse,                                        
We've married this verse.                                   
Well, nobody said we were smart.                            
                                                            
34928 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Neal Wilgus         P8505



Last month I wrote "up on Mars",                            
And was rewarded with one of your stars.                    
But at the end of my fun                                    
I then had to run                                           
From my wife screaming, "I'll show you scars!"              
                                                            
34929 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS        Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm writing a lim that is clean;                            
It's hard, if you know what I mean.                         
I've gotten a start,                                        
Easys' that part.                                           
The hard part is what's in between.                         
                                                            
34930 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS                                 



We Pentatette fans mourn Al Willis;                         
His limericks often would kill us.                          
It will take us a while                                     
To catch up to his style,                                   
An accomplishment that would fulfill us.                    
                                                            
34931 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD John E Maywood           



Al, keep writing your rimes.                                
They're raunchy, just right for our times.                  
I think you are blessed                                     
With a taste for excess                                     
And a talent for violent crimes.                            
(In praise of Al Willis)                                    
34932 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Gerard Van der Leun      



Al Willis has written his last;                             
I hear that his life has now passed.                        
Though he is now gone,                                      
His poems live on;                                          
Our limerick flag's at half mast.                           
                                                            
34933 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Cap'n Bean          P9901



Al Willis is, sadly, deceased;                              
His limerick writing has ceased.                            
I enjoyed what he wrote;                                    
He's a great one to quote;                                  
I hope that he's resting in peace.                          
                                                            
34934 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Cap'n Bean          P9901



Al is gone -- but his gems will remain.                     
Turn an empty glass down.  We feel pain.                    
But there's laughter up there;                              
His rhymed wit was so rare,                                 
And our loss is St Peter's sweet gain.                      
                                                            
34935 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD William N Nesbit    P9902



Now who would have thought of the name;                     
None other than Bean, of great fame.                        
Now he writes with great breadth,                           
About illness and death,                                    
And he does so without guilt or shame.                      
(probably about "grimmericks")                              
34936 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Bob Birch           P0303



Bean's grimmericks could never get worse,                   
For he writes them in ways quite perverse.                  
But he's started a trend                                    
That's not likely to end,                                   
When they cart him away in a hearse.                        
                                                            
34937 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Bob Birch           P0306



I'm a little bit smit by Ms. Koch                           
She sure doesn't have writer's block.                       
Perhaps she could redo                                      
An aging libido,                                            
And turn a dry prune into rock.                             
                                                            
34938 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Amego               P9912



Collecter of limericks in need                              
Of original specimens freed                                 
Of the gross and obscene.                                   
Must be witty, but clean.                                   
Send examples by mail to L. Reed.                           
                                                            
34939 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD A. N. Wilkins       P8703



That Limericist, Laurence Perrine,                          
Crafts a line that's so fine, it's divine!                  
Though I revel, each new ish.,                              
In his verses, I do wish                                    
They could look a bit worse, next to mine.                  
                                                            
34940 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Robin K. Willoughby P8402



Perrine just surpasses the rest.                            
His limericks are only the best.                            
And for extra fun,                                          
He sneaks in a pun.                                         
He'll make us look bad, I protest!                          
                                                            
34941 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Jim Weaver Collection    



Those limericks clearly don't stink                         
And some are quite dandy, I think.                          
So I have to be fair                                        
And make others aware                                       
By providing Pierce Evans a link:                           
                                                            
34942 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD ARCHIE                   



Warning: You'll find no jokes here!                         
So, for those whose time's precious, dear,                  
With a flick of your wrist,                                 
Take the next on the list;                                  
Lest you want to be bored, then keep clear.                 
                                                            
34943 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



You may know from earlier post,                             
That I live on the English south coast.                     
But of me, myself,                                          
I proceeded with stealth,                                   
You may think me no more than a ghost.                      
                                                            
34944 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



In the March of 1945,                                       
In the hospital mother did strive,                          
From her belly to bring                                     
This alien thing,                                           
Under weight and barely alive.                              
                                                            
34945 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



So was born I, a gamekeeper's son,                          
Short-sighted, no good with a gun.                          
And lousy at sport,                                         
Usual cricket score, nought,                                
So I found me alternative fun.                              
                                                            
34946 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



Science at school had me hooked,                            
And I oft had my head in a book.                            
And especially math,                                        
Which determined my path...                                 
An engineering degree I then took.                          
                                                            
34947 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



By now, a power station built near,                         
Offered me a chance of a career.                            
So that came to fruition                                    
But with no ambition,                                       
I never reached a very high sphere.                         
                                                            
34948 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



One day, a truck filled with cider                          
Came smashing into my car's side, aargh.                    
Two weeks later, I woke,                                    
With several limbs broke,                                   
In a hospital ward long and wide, aah.                      
                                                            
34949 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



The hospital soon sent me home,                             
At first on crutches to roam,                               
Where a beautiful girl                                      
With a head of blonde curls                                 
Caused seed of love to be sown.                             
                                                            
34950 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



So that accident-day changed my life,                       
Not due to the young surgeon's knife,                       
No, it brought me the sweet                                 
Girl from just up the street,                               
Who soon would become my dear wife.                         
                                                            
34951 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



Of necessity, not just for fun,                             
My wife's dad shot game with his gun.                       
So once I had caught her,                                   
The old poacher's daughter                                  
Married the gameskeeper's son.                              
                                                            
34952 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



Two sons my pretty wife bore;                               
Quite enough, we didn't want more,                          
And the power plant's pay                                   
Meant that we paid our way,                                 
It at least kept the wolf from our door.                    
                                                            
34953 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



It's the spirng now of '79,                                 
Doing mods to a Rolls Royce turbine,                        
But I must stop my job,                                     
I see flashes, black blobs,                                 
So it's off to the doc one more time.                       
                                                            
34954 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



A retina's somehow detached,                                
Many tries are made to re-attach.                           
They all fail, never mind,                                  
That one eye's blind,                                       
But the other one's still up to scratch.                    
                                                            
34955 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



Or it is until 1983,                                        
When similar symptioms I see.                               
The story's the same,                                       
Sixteen ops, to my name,                                    
Now I can't see the wood or the trees.                      
                                                            
34956 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



Retired sick in '87,                                        
With a pension -- enough to live on,                        
For years, nine or ten,                                     
Till some cash I could spend,                               
And buy this kit in '97.                                    
                                                            
34957 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



This talking computer's a boon;                             
I could sit here at dusk, dawn, and noon.                   
And with love, laughter, life                               
And a wonderfull wife,                                      
I'm content as the man in the moon!                         
                                                            
34958 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS - GOOD Tiddy Ogg                



Last night, my muse came up to tell me:                     
"Big Mama, wake up now and see                              
How the guys have their way,                                
How they're out there to play!"                             
Well, I went but barked up the wrong tree!                  
                                                            
34959 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



I thought I'd meet poets so fine,                           
Writing words both so wise and divine,                      
About beauty and gladness --                                
All I found is madness;                                     
It hurt to read line after line.                            
                                                            
34960 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



I see Archie's here, Dirruk, and Hugh,                      
And Travis, of course, is here too.                         
Even Peter, my lad,                                         
Still behaving so bad --                                    
It's so naughty, my dears, what you do.                     
                                                            
34961 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



Oh, Carol, I'm shaking my head,                             
To see you out here, 'cause instead                         
You should dress up in frills,                              
Wear a necklace with brills,                                
Be a lady!  And don't use words bad!                        
                                                            
34962 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



I do dress up in frills and lace,                           
And behave with great style and grace.                      
I'm very polite                                             
Before I invite                                             
Myself to sit on a man's face.                              
                                                            
34963 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Carol                    



I'll offer this briefest synopsis:                          
Upon my face, come on and hop, Sis,                         
And you will soon say,                                      
"Your tongue's hard the way                                 
This billy club of an old cop's is!"                        
                                                            
34964 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Travis Brasell           



Be glad now, Big Mama is back                               
And she will put you on the track.                          
She will teach you some style                               
So that after a while,                                      
Your wronger behaviour you'll lack.                         
                                                            
34965 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



I wonder what makes Mama Big?                               
It's rumored she's wearing a wig.                           
But permed, it's so cute.                                   
If I get near that beaut,                                   
I'll snuffle and root like a pig.                           
                                                            
34966 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Cubby                    



Well, big is just all that is me;                           
Big backside, big front, don't you see?                     
I'm so awfully round;                                       
No skinny piece found;                                      
A Mama with quadruple D!                                    
                                                            
34967 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



Your figure has made my knees buckle,                       
And raised rather more than a chuckle.                      
I saw a fly fly,                                            
My mouth was so dry,                                        
I'm ready and eager to suckle.                              
                                                            
34968 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Cubby                    



This time we were lucky enough;                             
This flood -- it has really been tough.                     
Way up north we were safe                                   
From rain and flood wave,                                   
From mud and all that dirty stuff.                          
                                                            
34969 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



Big Mama, I thought that the flood                          
Had buried you under the mud,                               
Where profligate varmints                                   
Had stripped you of garments,                               
And nipped you, my dear, in the bud.                        
                                                            
34970 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Travis Brasell           



In fact, over here it was hot                               
And dry, lots of rain we had not.                           
So I stripped in the sun;                                   
I recall it was fun,                                        
But now my first fall-cold I've got.                        
                                                            
34971 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



A man's face is a cool place to sit;                        
Most comfy, dear Carol, isn't it?                           
Three-day beards so itchy,                                  
Will so make you twitchy.                                   
And their noses?  Now where would they fit.                 
                                                            
34972 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



Now Mama, I'm older than you,                               
And want not a kid nor a ewe.                               
I much prefer Bess                                          
When I'm making a mess --                                   
Though Mama, I love what you do.                            
                                                            
34973 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Archie                   



Well, thank you, dear Archie, that's kind;                  
Just lately you were on my mind.                            
Had some dreams about fire                                  
And a flaming desire                                        
For the species you don't often find.                       
                                                            
34974 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



I'm white and I know you are green,                         
Though for others this cannot be seen.                      
And those flames red and hot                                
Remind us of that spot                                      
Where we were, but no humans have been.                     
                                                            
34975 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



Let's fly, Arch, just up and away,                          
No matter what others might say;                            
We'll return after dawn,                                    
Landing soft on the lawn,                                   
To welcome a great brand new day.                           
                                                            
34976 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES Eva Bekker               



I've noticed Shagnasty is gone;                             
I'm wondering just for how long.                            
MacFilth was his name                                       
And lims were his game,                                     
But his silence now speaks so strong                        
(Jim Weaver's alias)                                        
34977 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES                          



His flesh is now picked by the birds                        
Of prey in a pasture, where herds                           
Just pass him on by,                                        
And leave the lad lie                                       
To share the whole place with the turds.                    
                                                            
34978 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES                          



Shagnasty McFilth?  I don't know.                           
We're pure here, as fresh driven snow.                      
We don't talk of pricks,                                    
Cunts, or Randy French chicks,                              
Who'll give you an excellent blow.                          
                                                            
34979 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES                          



Fresh driven snow, you might say;                           
But this is not a site I must pay                           
For rhymes of a color.                                      
I can save my last dollar                                   
And read any egg you might lay.                             
                                                            
34980 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES                          



It's a shame he's gone by the way;                          
His rhyme could sure make one's day.                        
But the new crop that's here                                
Certainly adds to the cheer;                                
It's different, but, oh what the hey.                       
                                                            
34981 LIMS - PEOPLE - AUTHORS SERIES                          



I will offer up this dire prediction                        
Of a rapidly growing affliction.                            
This compulsion to write                                    
Well into the night...                                      
I'm talking 'bout limericks addiction.                      
                                                            
34982 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Bob Birch                



Limerickosis I thought in remission;                        
Thought it had gone to perdition.                           
But it came back last night,                                
Full of vigor aand fight,                                   
And in a much stronger condition.                           
                                                            
34983 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Dan Sullivan             



With the limerick bug I'm infected;                         
To be truthful I think I'm addicted                         
To this pattern of rhyme                                    
And its metered time.                                       
Is anyone else so afflicted?                                
                                                            
34984 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE                              



If you're starting to get Limerickosis,                     
Swap it quick for some bad halitosis.                       
Friends will still turn away,                               
But it's less likely that they                              
Will start mixing up arsenic doses.                         
                                                            
34985 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Dan Sullivan             



A sweet boy named Hugh really had it                        
With limericks.  He wasn't bad at it.                       
He'll return quite insane,                                  
Then he'll have to explain                                  
When caught up and caught out and caught at it.             
                                                            
34986 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Cyber Wizard             



I have a Limerick addiction;                                
With my bloke its causing some friction.                    
He says I waste time                                        
Making up the rhyme,                                        
And what's more I have lousy diction.                       
                                                            
34987 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE                              



The answer is simple, I think;                              
I'll change my style quick as a wink                        
And simply compile                                          
All my mail, limerick style...                              
Won't be long, I'll be needing a shrink!                    
                                                            
34988 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE                              



I can't stop writing these limericks;                       
I started it just for a few kicks.                          
I thought it quite hard                                     
To write like a bard,                                       
But it seems like I've now learned some new tricks.         
                                                            
34989 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Tock,                         
Who surfed oft a newsgroup that was chock                   
Full of humor,                                              
That he'd sooner                                            
Share than ridicule and mock.                               
                                                            
34990 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tock                     



So his friends he quickly alerted                           
To the humor, both sanctifed and perverted,                 
At alt.arts.limericks                                       
Then took 10000 licks                                       
For causing their peace to be diverted.                     
                                                            
34991 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tock                     



But soon they discovered the joys                           
Of five rhyming lines that annoy                            
Innocent bystanders,                                        
Mountaineers and flat-landers,                              
Playing with words like they were toys.                     
                                                            
34992 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tock                     



One by one, the all joined in                               
Abusing language -- Oh what a sin!                          
They'd compose and they'd rhyme                             
And have a good time,                                       
And their laughter caused quite a din.                      
                                                            
34993 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tock                     



Finally the police did arrive                               
And stopped the fun from which they derived                 
All sorts of pleasure,                                      
From mining the treasure                                    
Of English, which of course, is alive!                      
                                                            
34994 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tock                     



From the bowels of their jail cells they still              
Continue to write limericks until                           
Their fingers grow weary                                    
And eyesight goes bleary                                    
And their funny bones have just had their fill.             
                                                            
34995 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tock                     



Now Tock is taking donations                                
For legal fees and some bribations,                         
To spring all his friends                                   
Whose only offense                                          
Was playful verbal combinations.                            
                                                            
34996 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tock                     



A writer of limerick rhyme                                  
Was composing too much of the time;                         
Until one day his boss,                                     
Tired of taking the loss,                                   
Proceded to kick his behime.                                
                                                            
34997 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Ryan Waldron             



With limerick writing I'm cursed.                           
While in other forms I well-versed,                         
My limericks are minor,                                     
There are others much finer.                                
Like Germans, I have the knackwurst.                        
                                                            
34998 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Gerry Busch              



I am dizzy with rhyming today,                              
Bending words in impossible ways.                           
When you spin on the rim                                    
Of a lim, don't fall in,                                    
Or you'll probably be lost for days                         
                                                            
34999 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Jayne                    



At limericking you'll do just fine,                         
If your mind's in a rut same as mine.                       
This fatal affliction                                       
Don't bank much on diction,                                 
As long as the words fit the line.                          
                                                            
35000 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Don Tidwell              



Alas, on limericks I'm hooked.                              
My brain, you reckon, is cooked?                            
Asleep I see words                                          
Like cattle in herds.                                       
A date with my shrink I have booked.                        
                                                            
35001 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Reminisce           P9310



There was a young fellow named Chris,                       
Who said: "You are clearly remiss,                          
If upon a weekend                                           
A lim you've not penned;                                    
So in haste I have scribbled out this.                      
                                                            
35002 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Murphy                   



This rhyming lark's ruling my life!                         
It causes considerable strife.                              
Whilst fumbling with him,                                   
I think of a lim;                                           
Soon he may seek a non-rhyming wife.                        
                                                            
35003 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Jayne                    



If your mind is alive all the time,                         
Turning rhyme after rhyme after rhyme.                      
Even while you're in bed                                    
Rhymes come into your head;                                 
I'm afraid that one's just past one's prime.                
                                                            
35004 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Arthur Pattaffy          



A poet possesses a curse,                                   
For he thinks in the madness of verse.                      
My sanity's ample,                                          
For this small example                                      
Is just an attempt to rehearse.                             
                                                            
35005 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Anon                     



From the moment I got out of bed,                           
I rhymed everything that I said.                            
I know it's a crime;                                        
I wasted my time;                                           
I should have been working instead.                         
                                                            
35006 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Bob Leclerc              



The moment my eyes meed the dawn                            
And fetching the news from the lawn,                        
The words I keep rhyming                                    
While checking their timing,                                
Until a new limerick I spawn.                               
                                                            
35007 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Bob Leclerc              



You should see the bags under my eyes.                      
I can't fool my wife, she's too wise.                       
But my late nights online                                   
Reading rhyme after rhyme,                                  
Posted here by all of you guys.                             
                                                            
35008 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE                              



I once had a gal who would straddle                         
My gear while I sat in the saddle.                          
I slipped her a bun,                                        
While  doing  a  ton...                                     
Just noted this Limerick is twaddle.                        
                                                            
35009 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE                              



I'm sorry that I showed my face;                            
It's truly a great waste of space.                          
I hadn't the brain                                          
To compose this refrain,                                    
So please kick me out of your place.                        
                                                            
35010 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Tiddy Ogg                



Limericks are like diet pop;                                
When you start, it is so hard to stop.                      
I write twenty a day.                                       
At work, or at play,                                        
Until I am ready to drop.                                   
                                                            
35011 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Sal R                    



I am going to bed now -- no more!                           
It is already 12:54.                                        
The only thing is                                           
I feel guilty -- gee whiz!                                  
'Cause I should have gone hours before.                     
                                                            
35012 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     Sal R                    



On money I'm short, to my sorrow;                           
No more can I beg, steal, or borrow.                        
I'll have to stop lurking                                   
And go back to working,                                     
But I guess it can wait till tomorrow.                      
                                                            
35013 LIMS - PEOPLE - COMPULSIVE     John Miller              



In re: limericks I'm known to have said,                    
My frustration at times turns me red.                       
I start with a great plan                                   
But the damn things won't scan,                             
So the best ones are all in my head.                        
                                                            
35014 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



Don't try limericks, dears, they're addictive!              
That sweet little beat turns vindictive!                    
Forced time after time                                      
To seek rhythm and rhyme,                                   
You'll spout anapest tales, real and fictive.               
                                                            
35015 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Cyd                      



The Internet brings out the worst                           
Of typists whose lips are all pursed.                       
But it gives me the hammer                                  
When I see such bad grammar,                                
From ones who should all be well versed.                    
                                                            
35016 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



Uncle Remus will shortly commence                           
To turn in his grave; that a dense                          
Poetmaster would shame                                      
Brer Rabbit's fine name,                                    
Writing verses so lacking in sense.                         
                                                            
35017 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



"Oh God, no!" screamed a roach on my bed,                   
As I aimed Legman's book at his head.                       
"Not that limerick crap.                                    
Have a heart buddy, zap                                     
Me with Shakespeare or Milton instead."                     
                                                            
35018 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Michael Weinstein        



I dislike becoming the brunt                                
Of people who grumble and grunt.                            
They'll call you a wart                                     
Or big stupid fart;                                         
Those people whose speech is so blunt.                      
                                                            
35019 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



Been running with scissors today,                           
And I ain't been nice when I play                           
With those other guys.                                      
But, take my advice --                                      
Be careful when you get risque'.                            
                                                            
35020 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



Doggerel is really bad verse                                
And from novices, always gets worse.                        
Our animal rhyming                                          
Has such awful timing,                                      
You'd think it was some kind of curse.                      
                                                            
35021 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



You limerick folk think you've wit,                         
But your crossposting gives me a fit.                       
Do you think ATJ                                            
Gives a fuck either way                                     
'Bout your humorless lame-rhyming shit?                     
                                                            
35022 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Labrat                   



I'm afraid that your limerick sucks;                        
No titties or panties or fucks?                             
Depravity, sleaze,                                          
Are the best, if you please;                                
For good lims these things are the crux!                    
                                                            
35023 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jayne                    



An ardent proponent of minimalism                           
Thought all other music was criminalism;                    
And what's even worse                                       
He believed rhyming verse                                   
Was verging on bourgeois subliminalism.                     
                                                            
35024 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



For the limerick, the feminist crew                         
Have only contempt. In their view                           
It is substitute sex                                        
For those physical wrecks:                                  
The farts who are too old to screw.                         
                                                            
35025 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        A N Wilkins         P9106



Polish Limericks?  Hooray and whoopee!                      
Like Chinese of the Ming Dynasty,                           
Though poignant and clever,                                 
Despite my endeavor                                         
To translate, they're all Greek to me.                      
                                                            
35026 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



Those sensitive souls who must scowl                        
At males who write limericks foul,                          
Might well lose the blues                                   
If they would just use                                      
An APERIENT just 'fore they howl.                           
                                                            
35027 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Observer                 



Your quote brings a smile and a dimple,                     
'Cause we all know the limerick is simple.                  
In this group I have found                                  
That great minds abound,                                    
And others, I guess, merely wimple.                         
                                                            
35028 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



Don't you hate these last minute corrections,               
That result from a writer's reflections;                    
When there's words to be changed,                           
Or some lines rearranged,                                   
Or the limerick alters directions.                          
                                                            
35029 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Bob Birch           P0800



I'm so glad that you are enthused,                          
But you are most sadly confused.                            
Tainted by corruption,                                      
Our steady eruption                                         
Of rot is what keeps us amused.                             
                                                            
35030 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Carol                    



Your nice words will not be forgotten;                      
This group is devoid of the rotten.                         
I'm still learning this art                                 
And you're doing your part.                                 
I thank you from the heart of my bottom.                    
                                                            
35031 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Aussie Owl               



In limericks we charge to the VAWARD                        
Though many will say we are wayward                         
To find humor in sin                                        
Using words not found in                                    
Proper discourse by the fey horde.                          
                                                            
35032 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        J'Carlin                 



My acquaintances thinks that I'm strange,                   
That my mind is completely deranged,                        
For writing such verse                                      
That's so grim and perverse,                                
But I know I'm not likely to change.                        
                                                            
35033 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Cap'n Bean          P0304



It really does take a stout-hearted                         
And bona fide fool to get started                           
In limerick doodles,                                        
But I've found that oodles                                  
Of folks who have tried have just farted.                   
                                                            
35034 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Travis Brasell           



Your girl and your limericks sound fine,                    
And I almost could wish they were mine.                     
Just a little more practice                                 
Will avoid flying cactus,                                   
Tomatoes, and fruits of the vine.                           
                                                            
35035 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



A critic who worked for the Times                           
Says limericks are mostly all iams.                         
His statement, majestic,                                    
"Forget anapestic."                                         
Suggests he eats pet food most times.                       
(iams - commercial pet food in USA)                         
35036 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Tom Patton          P9808



Your story about Jane and Marty                             
Was clever and just a bit arty.                             
The readers today                                           
Like sex and horseplay.                                     
Beef it up and include a stag party.                        
                                                            
35037 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



Your rhyming is never too bad;                              
If only your meter, too, had                                
Some semblance of form,                                     
That stayed near the norm,                                  
Neither Dan nor I would be sad.                             
                                                            
35038 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Chris Papa               



Even those here who hate that low bastard,                  
Get pissed when our newsgroup is plastered                  
With long-winded SPAM,                                      
So we hope you will scram                                   
'Till the limerick form you have mastered.                  
                                                            
35039 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



Since puns are the low form of wit --                       
Atrocious, the lowest of it --                              
I'll not stoop that low;                                    
I'll dignity show;                                          
So that no one on my verse will spit.                       
(So no one will call me a shit.)                            
35040 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Irving Superior     P9206



Your limericks I thought were quite fine;                   
The best I have heard in some time.                         
But if I tried to do it,                                    
I surely would screw it,                                    
'Cause I think my long suite's not in rhyme.                
                                                            
35041 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Bob McCarthy             



The limericist must be astute --                            
His ear for the rhyme most acute.                           
But though it's fine art,                                   
He knows in his heart,                                      
That nobody quite gives a hoot.                             
                                                            
35042 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Norm Storer         P9812



That limericks can get over-zealous                         
Is something nobody should tell us,                         
But I try to avoid                                          
Getting gals paranoid                                       
Or making their sex-partners jealous.                       
                                                            
35043 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



When shitting your pants in this place,                     
You oughtn't be taking up space,                            
With aught but a lim                                        
Or the chances are slim,                                    
That you'll leave without shit on your face.                
                                                            
35044 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



Hi Tiddy, H.C., and whoever,                                
It's Narni of the Never-Never,                              
Just dropping a line,                                       
Between caskets of wine,                                    
To 'pine about the lack of verse clever.                    
                                                            
35045 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Narni                    



By that, I don't mean that you lack;                        
Reversely, you're on the "write" track.                     
It's just that some others                                  
With whom I'm not bothered,                                 
Are making us all cop their flak.                           
                                                            
35046 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Narni                    



Because I don't post much don't mean                        
That that which is posted ain't seen                        
By us lurkers and poets                                     
Who read and then goeth                                     
'Forsooth' to our own worlds to dream.                      
                                                            
35047 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Narni                    



It's a fact that for some there's no romance;               
No reason or rhyme in the word dance.                       
But jotters who care                                        
Will keep posting here,                                     
Because perchance is better than no chance.                 
                                                            
35048 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Narni                    



You folks from the Yorkshire coast, sunny,                  
Who're plagued by this plagiarist bunny,                    
Must surely deplore                                         
This limerick whore,                                        
For what isn't old, isn't funny.                            
                                                            
35049 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



I hardly know where to begin -                              
Bad limericks seem to be "in" -                             
With rhymes that don't quite;                               
Verse meterless, trite -                                    
Their damn gold stars get under my skin!                    
                                                            
35050 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



It's sad, but it seems you're both leavin';                 
There's bound to be bawlin' and greivin'.                   
But, in your own case,                                      
You'll be savin' face,                                      
'Cause lim-writin' you ain't perceivin'!                    
                                                            
35051 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



I'm happy today to suggest                                  
This limerick quality test:                                 
'Tis well that the rhyme                                    
Give message sublime,                                       
But copious porn is the best.                               
                                                            
35052 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        The Sailor          P0306



There once was a writer whose verse                         
Was more than just bad; it was worse.                       
Her sticky-sweet rhyme                                      
(So far from sublime!)                                      
Was so stiff it required a hearse!                          
                                                            
35053 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Gene Williamson          



You wankers are filthy as hell,                             
And these limericks are starting to smell.                  
Why I'd rather pass gas,                                    
Or scratch my fat ass,                                      
Or get blistered on old muscatel.                           
                                                            
35054 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



The question was open, 'tis true,                           
And my words not intended for you.                          
Your verse was quite fine,                                  
But I'll leave you online,                                  
In your poetic verses to stew.                              
                                                            
35055 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Jim Weaver Collection    



Poetry is an art form sublime,                              
But limericks just waste space and time.                    
Full of sins and sex                                        
And puns that vex;                                          
Who cares if the dirty jokes rhyme?                         
                                                            
35056 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS        Lynn Mostafa             



A novel and new way to view                                 
The history you choose to skew;                             
But that's not my beef --                                   
The sin that is chief?                                      
At lims, you just haven't a clue.                           
                                                            
35057 LIMS - PEOPLE - CRITICS                                 



A new volume of verse Asimovian,                            
That's replete with a humor that's Jovian,                  
Represents stimulation,                                     
That will prove the occasion,                               
For a laughing response quite Pavlovian.                    
                                                            
35058 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Isaac Asimov             



Condemning some verses as ribald,                           
A puritan, heaving a sigh, bawled:                          
"Who published this rot?"                                   
But editors thought                                         
The lines might be avidly eyeballed.                        
                                                            
35059 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         R. J. Winkler       P8505



A most proper writer, Ms Kay,                               
Submitted a limerick one day,                               
But it was rejected                                         
Because she objected                                        
When editors changed "lie" to lay."                         
                                                            
35060 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Evelyn Bogen        P9805



There was a sweet lady with specs,                          
Who fought to find lines without sex.                       
She covered the table                                       
With all she was able                                       
To pinch without copyright cheques.                         
                                                            
35061 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Linda Marsh Coll         



There once was a man named Me,                              
Who shopped for limericks free.                             
Those verses perverse,                                      
He discarded in verse,                                      
"Oh Me, much to naughty to see!"                            
                                                            
35062 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Jim                      



These are a few of my rhymes,                               
Just trying to stay out of crimes.                          
If you don't like it,                                       
I don't give a shit.                                        
It's either this or be doing some time.                     
                                                            
35063 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                                  



A limerick flame war?  How quaint.                          
Like stuff in the newsgroups, this ain't,                   
Since maintaining a schism                                  
In correct rhyme and rhythm,                                
Imposes unusual constraints.                                
                                                            
35064 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                                  



I just thought I'd be nice and send                         
Spring greetings to Eric our friend.                        
In this best of times,                                      
He keeps tending to rhymes,                                 
Here's to his success without end.                          
(In appreciation of Toast Point contests)                   
35065 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Crispy                   



This stuff is a nightmare of crap.                          
I'm sorry I'd ever the hap                                  
To work it and ferk it--                                    
I wish I could shirk it,                                    
But now I am caught in the trap.                            
(hap - fortune, luck)                                       
35066 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                             G2303



It's grubby doings, pricks and cunts,                       
Fucking, sucking, dirty stunts,                             
Screwing, spewing,                                          
Bad-rhyme hewing,                                           
Bitter with smiles and tears at once.                       
                                                            
35067 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                             G2304



I hope that these limericks did please you;                 
And some more, I trust, did just to tease you.              
I hope you did laugh                                        
At the odd funny gaff,                                      
For they're written to relax and ease you.                  
(Bull Shit - they are mostly stolen not written - McW)      
35068 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Myler Magrath            



These verses about the pudenda                              
Have neither beginning nor end: a                           
Few more, I submit                                          
Just to tickle your shit,                                   
And fill out the list of Addenda.                           
                                                            
35069 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                             G2463



The announcement went straight to my head;                  
"We will publish your limerick," it said.                   
I felt honored to get                                       
In that great Pentatette --                                 
Damned thing was in Penthouse instead!                      
                                                            
35070 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         John Miller              



The Taurangan Limerick Collector                            
Sought them out like a gold prospector.                     
Clever and baudy,                                           
Silly and naughty,                                          
Till nabbed by the Postal Inspector.                        
(Taurangan - New Zealand disease)                           
35071 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                                  



My publisher said my anthology                              
Of limericks writ on biology,                               
Was tested by Pfizer                                        
As new fertilizer;                                          
When spread, it will help the ecology.                      
                                                            
35072 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Tiddy Ogg                



Collections of limericks the rage,                          
We find them strewn page after page;                        
Sheer numbers rate higher                                   
Than quality, Sire:                                         
It's piece-rate, not hourly wage.                           
                                                            
35073 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Norm Storer              



When laboring limericks languish,                           
An editor suffers a pang, wish-                             
ing verbal distortions                                      
And metrical abortions                                      
Would vanish, relieving his anguish.                        
                                                            
35074 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         R. J. Winkler       P8505



Seems the touch comes back rather fast                      
And I'm simply having a blast.                              
I've sent quite a few                                       
For you to review.                                          
I hope that they won't be my last.                          
                                                            
35075 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                                  



But if you should read what I've wrote,                     
And think that I'm simply a scrot,                          
I will have you know                                        
I'll quietly go,                                            
And savagely slit my own throat.                            
                                                            
35076 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                                  



The newsletter fires up the muse                            
When reading how others enthuse.                            
I take paper to pen,                                        
Or reverse now and then,                                    
And share with your readers my views.                       
                                                            
35077 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Fred Cohen          P8309



The guest editor said, between curses,                      
"What a grungy collection of verses;                        
But now that it's done,                                     
I guess it's been fun,                                      
To glean from sow's ears, silken purses."                   
                                                            
35078 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Ed Potts            P8511



I'm proud to say that my new book,                          
Comprised of the limericks I took                           
From here's, made me rich;                                  
I hope you won't bitch                                      
And call me a "Damn redneck crook!"                         
                                                            
35079 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                                  



In this book every line has been clean;  (This is normally  
Not a word that's profane or obscene,     called 'The Big   
Or spelled in four letters                Lie' - McW)       
That might pain our betters,                                
Or snafu -- if you know what we mean.                       
(snafu - situation normal all fucked up - World War II)     
35080 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         H I Brock                



I wanted to print here a medley                             
Of limericks, so gross they were deadly.                    
But when the typesetter tried                               
To set them, he died.                                       
(Not to mention my editor, Smedley)                         
                                                            
35081 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         David Gerrold            



The Canadian Limerick Book,                                 
But before gentle reader, you look,                         
Be advised in advance                                       
Of our lecherous stance                                     
And the four-letter licence we took.                        
                                                            
35082 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Oliver and MacMillan   1a



The death of The Master's a drag.                           
But what about all of the swag?                             
I'd hate to see tossed                                      
All his lims, and be lost.                                  
So someone must carry the flag.                             
                                                            
35083 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Hugh Clary               



There once was a scholar named Tony                         
Of St. Andrews, in Scotland, a crony,                       
Who has recently passed,                                    
Making skies overcast                                       
And all of our faces turned stony.                          
                                                            
35084 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Hugh Clary               



Our life is a little bit poorer;                            
Now Tony's old soul is a soarer.                            
He gave lots of pleasure;                                   
His archives a treasure.                                    
I wish he could do an encorer.                              
                                                            
35085 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Archie                   



The slate has now had a clean wipe                          
St Andrews have had a good gripe                            
We have lost the best                                       
It sank in the west                                         
With nary a trace and no hype.                              
                                                            
35086 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR                                  



Said the Limerick Newsletter Editor,                        
"Where's the joke? I confess I don't geditor,               
Else it's not funny;                                        
Line one mentions cunny --                                  
But nowhere in here has he beditor!"                        
                                                            
35087 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Robin K. Willoughby P8505



Toast Point offers the poet                                 
A place for his talent, to show it.                         
If he's not good they might                                 
Say "That asshole can't write!                              
And now the whole damn world will know it!"                 
                                                            
35088 LIMS - PEOPLE - EDITOR         Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm resolved to write a blue ditty                          
With words like ass, bosoms, and shitty.                    
But try as I may,                                           
I've spent the whole day,                                   
And nothing will come that is witty.                        
                                                            
35089 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Mul                      



Relax, bud, and think Walter Mitty,                         
But throw in some pussy and titty,                          
'Cause here, what you think                                 
Won't bring on a shrink,                                    
Just girls who are willing and pretty.                      
                                                            
35090 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          John Miller              



To write this lim, a request,                               
Tiddy Ogg said it was for the best.                         
Otherwise I'd get flamed                                    
Ridiculed and be shamed                                     
So for now, I'll continue my quest.                         
                                                            
35091 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Mul                      



Practice makes perfect, they say.                           
Keep trying and maybe some day                              
In a battlefield lull,                                      
A lim writ by Mul                                           
Will help keep the jitters away.                            
                                                            
35092 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          John Miller              



Bollocks, I hear you all shout;                             
You cunt, you shit, you lout!                               
Go back to your sewer,                                      
With your wife the old hooer;                               
Come back when you have a foul mouth.                       
                                                            
35093 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Mul                      



It's easy to have a foul mouth,                             
If you let all your musings go south.                       
Then listen again                                           
To kids nine or ten,                                        
From LA to Baghdad to Louth.                                
                                                            
35094 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          John Miller              



Were this rhythm more etched in my brain,                   
You would not be obliged to complain,                       
But I must post this query,                                 
In prose, oh so dreary;                                     
My efforts at limericks were vain.                          
                                                            
35095 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Sandy                    



Yes, I quiver, I shiver in fear                             
Of the erudite maven who're here.                           
Will you bloody my nose                                     
If I post here in prose?                                    
If you're nice, I will call you 'My dear."                  
                                                            
35096 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Sandy                    



There is an old limerick from Prague                        
About an overly amorous frog.                               
I've forgotten the rest;                                    
My memory's not best                                        
After drinking a gallon of grog.                            
                                                            
35097 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Lynn Mostafa             



I blame all this tripe on my work,                          
For it's really beginning to irk.                           
I must take a break                                         
For my sanity's sake...                                     
Oh too late; I'm already berserk.                           
                                                            
35098 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT                                   



This limerick is awful, I know;                             
I dashed it off just for the show,                          
In less than a minute,                                      
With little thought in it,                                  
And now I'm afraid, I must go.                              
                                                            
35099 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Jim Weaver Collection    



You'll note, when my verses get thin,                       
That I just put some more of them in.                       
When quality's lacking                                      
I resort to packing,                                        
So quantity covers my sin.                                  
                                                            
35100 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          John Miller 0096b        



Sorry, I'm grouchy tonight;                                 
Can't seem to get anything right,                           
Which ends up resulting                                     
In verses insulting,                                        
'Stead of witty and airy and light.                         
                                                            
35101 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          John Miller 0142a        



A five-liner in language quite canny                        
May pose as a limerick Granny,                              
But unless its last line                                    
Is a snapper divine,                                        
It falls flat on its feeble fat fanny!                      
                                                            
35102 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Martin B Smith      P9911



Murphy's Limerick Law I define:                             
You've decided your limerick's divine...                    
Since it can't be improved,                                 
To your web site it's moved,                                
Then you think of a much better line!                       
                                                            
35103 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Peter Wilkins            



There once was a fellow named Art,                          
Who said to the gang, "Do your part.                        
For the limericks to flow,                                  
I will need all your dough,                                 
That I'll take to the bank in a cart."                      
                                                            
35104 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Bob Birch           P0011



Limerick writing's a fatal attraction                       
That soon will drive me to distraction.                     
Every time I endeavor                                       
To say something clever,                                    
In five lines, I don't have the knacktion.                  
                                                            
35105 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Gerry Busch              



I hope you're not all in suspense,                          
Awaiting a punch line, no sense                             
Will be found in this drivel,                               
But try to be civil,                                        
And try not to take much offence.                           
                                                            
35106 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT                                   



That was extremely redic                                    
-ulous 'cause Lims are no easy trick.                       
These few lines (just a token)                              
And my small brain is smokin';                              
All this thinkin' might just make me sick!                  
                                                            
35107 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT                                   



I thought I'd give this a shot,                             
To give it all that I've got,                               
But my limerick sucks.                                      
It ain't worth two bucks.                                   
Might as well go and smoke up some pot.                     
                                                            
35108 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Shockpoet                



Perhaps you'd give me a second chance                       
To make my limerick words dance.                            
The pot was not found                                       
As I looked all around,                                     
Only to find my wife's glaring glance.                      
                                                            
35109 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Shockpoet                



There once was a fellow from Needham,                       
Who knew limericks when he see'd them.                      
If the point of the joke,                                   
Was to leave the verse broke,                               
Then Chuck wasn't able to read them.                        
                                                            
35110 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Jim Weaver Collection    



There is a young fellow called Art,                         
Who likes limericks straight from the heart.                
He plans his days times                                     
To suit his days' rhymes;                                   
I don't think he is terribly smart.                         
                                                            
35111 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Arthur Pattaffy          



As if all you folks didn't know it,                         
I'm a physicist, not a poet.                                
I work in space-time,                                       
Not with rhythm and rhyme,                                  
And these verses should certainly show it.                  
                                                            
35112 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT          Kay R Devicci            



It'll bring you more than disgrace;                         
A mud pie shoved right in your face.                        
A word out of time;                                         
No meter or rhyme;                                          
No room for it in this place.                               
                                                            
35113 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT                                   



I've just had a word with the nurse                         
Who told me in syllables terse,                             
"I think, on reflection,                                    
A bigger injection                                          
Might cure you of limerick verse."                          
                                                            
35114 LIMS - PEOPLE - INEPT                                   



I've lurked here a week, maybe two,                         
And you certainly have quite a crew,                        
Who can turn a limerick,                                    
Either raunchy or sick;                                     
Is there room here for somebody new?                        
                                                            
35115 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        Tom Allen                



If your heart is by limericks diverted,                     
Then be now, to this fine group, alerted;                   
If your morals are suspect                                  
You're welcome here.  Expect                                
Much more if completely perverted.                          
                                                            
35116 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        Ward Hardman             



I'm a perve and I flick a mean whip,                        
As I chortle in glee and unzip.                             
Give a pump and a sigh                                      
Before I say goodbye,                                       
As I shake the last drop from the tip.                      
                                                            
35117 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        Tom Bishop               



Some women describe me as Flash,                            
'Cause when I withdraw from their gash,                     
One tug on my gents                                         
Will have its contents                                      
Despatched to the sound of whiplash.                        
                                                            
35118 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        SFA                      



Old ladies write limericks too,                             
Not just teenage boys going through                         
Raging hormones,                                            
And car telephones,                                         
So here is the best I can do.                               
                                                            
35119 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



In one of our secretive polls,                              
We cited as one of our goals,                               
The need for new blood,                                     
But spare us the flood                                      
Of talentless dickheads and trolls.                         
                                                            
35120 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        SFA                      



This peculiar bent of your mind                             
To cast everything needful in rhyme,                        
With meter constrained,                                     
It twists at my brain,                                      
So now I've joined in my first time.                        
                                                            
35121 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES                                 



Your limericks, Dear Sir, may be fine                       
With many a witty last line,                                
And read them I will                                        
But will not until                                          
You promise me first you'll read mine.                      
                                                            
35122 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        Irving Superior     P8308



But alas, to this I am new,                                 
And haven't yet met all of the crew.                        
But by this time next year,                                 
Having beaten my fear,                                      
I hope to impress quite a few.                              
                                                            
35123 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



All your limericks are a delight;                           
Been perusin' 'em daytime and night.                        
A brash newbie am I,                                        
But a verse I shall try                                     
And hope you don't all faint from fright.                   
                                                            
35124 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES                                 



And I really continue to be                                 
Surprised as all-get-out to see,                            
That even in jest                                           
And along with the best,                                    
A limericist I seem to be!                                  
                                                            
35125 LIMS - PEOPLE - NEWBIES                                 



The coordinator of the P,                                   
Doctors Limericks also, I see.                              
Is he then for a laugh                                      
The entire office staff                                     
And, in truth, The Wholly Trinity?                          
                                                            
35126 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



For twenty straight years he has lead it;                   
I proclaim he deserves a huge credit                        
For spotting his light                                      
On the things that we write,                                
(And the curse words he won't even edit!)                   
                                                            
35127 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Cap'n Bean          P0112



There's a limerick seeker named Deex,                       
And the stuff that he seeks often reeks;                    
For morality's lax                                          
In a verse re the cracks                                    
Of some quiff-baring Classical Greeks.                      
                                                            
35128 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Jim O'Conner        P8312



There's nobody sharper than Deex                            
When it comes to poetic antiques;                           
He's been into this fad                                     
Since Lear was a lad --                                     
And he knows all the special techniques.                    
                                                            
35129 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Norm Storer              



A limerick writer named Deex                                
Worked on one for over nine weeks.                          
The ultimate rhyme                                          
Takes oodles of time,                                       
Which is what this Deex always seeks.                       
                                                            
35130 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Harry Rubin         P9108



There once was a Mensan named Deex,                         
Whose identity surfaced, through leaks.                     
His cover was blown,                                        
Far and wide he is known                                    
As the chief of the limerick freaks.                        
                                                            
35131 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Don Boen            P8111



The man with the bright rosey cheeks                        
Must surely be dear Arthur Deex.                            
His rhymes may be truly                                     
Completely unruly,                                          
But everything stops when he speaks.                        
                                                            
35132 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Billy                    



We can gladly to this say Amen!                             
Twenty years to words of tongue and pen.                    
He's dealt with scan and rhyme;                             
He's served his entire time.                                
Had he killed he'd have done a mere ten.                    
                                                            
35133 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



Don't worry and please do not fret,                         
When you read in this month's Pentatette                    
That Deex did inhale,                                       
As he opened the mail.                                      
(He was seen with a roach cigarette.)                       
                                                            
35134 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Al Willis                



Through the years, as my rhyme skills I'd hone,             
Arthur sometimes cut me to the bone.                        
But if it gets too rough                                    
When Doc Lim loses stuff,                                   
We can print Pentatettes of our own.                        
                                                            
35135 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Loren Fitzhugh      P0001



He's a Limerick master for sure.                            
How else could he ever endure.                              
He suffers our worst                                        
Renditions of verse                                         
Yet WE expect HIS to be pure.                               
                                                            
35136 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Billy                    



He allows us to freely compose;                             
He's shared with us much that he knows;                     
The newsletter's fun                                        
And is second to none;                                      
It's a calling I'm grateful he chose!                       
                                                            
35137 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Cap'n Bean          P0112



I submit he is no martinet,                                 
He, who edits our The Pentatette.                           
I imagine Doc's said                                        
With a shake of his head,                                   
"Just how awkward can some of these get?"                   
                                                            
35138 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9201



On Pentatette publishers, Moffett,                          
On money that's being made off it.                          
The verses you send                                         
That I can't amend,                                         
I bale, and then sell at a profit.                          
                                                            
35139 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Irving Superior          



What made you, my good Dr. Deex,                            
Choose a subject of which no-one speaks?                    
I think it's SO funny                                       
To live without money --                                    
I haven't laughed louder in weeks!                          
                                                            
35140 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     John E Maywood           



Who'd remember that man from Nantucket,                     
If you wrote of his shovel and bucket.                      
Though your limerick might rhyme,                           
Art would read it one time,                                 
Then like mine, he'd take yours and he'd chuck it.          
                                                            
35141 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Bob Birch                



So my check is both dated and signed,                       
And the cost, well I really don't mind.                     
I can still save some money,                                
And go somewhere sunny...                                   
I'll just leave my "old lady" behind!                       
                                                            
35142 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Bob Birch           P0209



The Pentatette might see expansion,                         
Were it not for what makes a good fan shun                  
Those limericks whose                                       
Writers often abuse,                                        
For few seem to understand scansion!                        
                                                            
35143 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Norm Storer         P0207



Our coordinator's caused a great flap.                      
Has he had a terrible mishap?                               
Poor Arthur can't recall                                    
Nary one thing at all;                                      
What a shame!  Deex is on his last lap.                     
                                                            
35144 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Tom Patton          P0307



Oh Arthur, Oh Arthur, by golly!                             
Last months issue commits such a folly.                     
It is such a damn shame                                     
You cannot spell my name;                                   
I guess you're transfixed by dear Dolly.                    
(criticism of Arthur Deex, publisher of Pentatette)         
35145 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Tom Patton          P0303



I had planned on a round-the-world cruise,                  
To deal with my wintertime blues.                           
But my dear wife said, "No,                                 
You really can't go,                                        
'Til you've paid up your PENTATETTE dues."                  
                                                            
35146 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Bob Birch           P0209



The Pentatette approaches perfection,                       
Yet might use a more frequent selection                     
Of five liners by Deex --                                   
And it's been a few weeks                                   
Since we've heard from the Vassar collection                
                                                            
35147 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Jim Weaver Collection    



If you find that your verse is all wet,                     
And you can't find a publisher yet,                         
For the ametric poet                                        
Who doesn't quite know it,                                  
There's always the old Pentatette.                          
                                                            
35148 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Arthur Deex              



A message to Pentatette authors.                            
Though most of us think we are "awe-thors,"                 
(The "awe" as in awesome),                                  
Too often we flaw some.                                     
Then ("aw" as in awful) we're "aw!-thors.                   
                                                            
35149 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Irving Superior     P9011



Both Esther and Bean I must taunt,                          
As each writes in his own special font.                     
Be it fancy or plain                                        
I don't mean to cause pain,                                 
For they're good...and that's all that I want.              
                                                            
35150 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Bob                      



I've heard limericks are written by fools                   
With IQ's insulting to mules.                               
Having seen laughs aplenty,                                 
I'm sending my twenty,                                      
'Cause I think that Pentatette rules!                       
                                                            
35151 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Elliot Schilling    P0205



Since I liked your cyber description,                       
Here's a check for a one year subscription.                 
It seems that my fun                                        
Has not yet begun;                                          
If you disappoint, expect a conniption.                     
                                                            
35152 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Jerry Davidoff      P0112



Your "PROBABLY IN POOR TASTE" ad                            
Is humor that is close to sad.                              
Does LIM SIG hope                                           
That when we ope                                            
The envelope that we'll find MAD?                           
                                                            
35153 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Irving Superior     P9709



To LIMSIG, Box three sixty five,                            
At zipcode, nine four oh three five,                        
In Moffett CA                                               
My twenty I'll pay                                          
To keep my subscription alive.                              
                                                            
35154 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Larry Davis         P9211



There once was a frustrated man,                            
Who strangled his talking toucan,       (parrot named Jan)  
Not for squawks nor for shrieks,                            
But for shouting out:"Deex!                                 
He showed that your limericks don't scan!"                  
                                                            
35155 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Vassar W. Smith     P9506



The limerick's a form that is quaint;                       
You'd think that it's fun, but it ain't.                    
See, Arthur wants topics                                    
Like "Sex in the Tropics,"                                  
Which add yet another constraint.                           
                                                            
35156 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Mark Levy           P0109



The smartie pants all got together,                         
And published a monthly newsletter.                         
They wrote limericks so witty                               
'Bout penis and titty;                                      
They were naughty whatever the weather.                     
                                                            
35157 LIMS - PEOPLE - PENTA/DEEX     Silvia S Crockett   P0104



There was a young lady...Tut tut!                           
So you think you're in for some smut?                       
Some five line crescendo                                    
Of lewd innuendo?                                           
Well you're wrong.  This is anything but!                   
                                                            
35158 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Stanley J. Sharpless     



When writing I try to do well;                              
Attending to metre is swell.                                
And my rhyming is fine;                                     
I structure each line;                                      
But oh, how I wish I could spel!                            
                                                            
35159 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Bob Birch           P0204



The limerick scribe OFTENTIMES                              
Is stuck for a good word that rhymes.                       
Unable to find                                              
A match in the mind,                                        
Then subtly switches to blank verse.                        
                                                            
35160 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Chris Papa               



Limerick quality varies a lot;                              
Some are clever and others are not.                         
Some are hits.  Others miss.                                
Some are boring like this.                                  
And the worst ones of all, have no plot.                    
                                                            
35161 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Prof M-G                 



Ted, a poet in Washington D.                                
C., complained, "My lies always run be-                     
yond the proper perspec-                                    
tive. This simple prereq                                    
uisite has me completely defea-                             
                                                            
35162 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Chris Kocsis        P9002



A most inept poet of Wendham                                
Wrote limericks (none would defend 'em).                    
"I get going," he said,                                     
"Have ideas in my head.                                     
Then find I just simply can't."    (end 'em)                
                                                            
35163 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          A. Lindon           P9505



xxx                                                         
Found it rather a job to impart 'em.                        
When asked at the time,                                     
Why is this?  Don't they rhyme?                             
Said the poet of Chartam, can't start 'em.                  
                                                            
35164 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          A. Lindon           P9505



A limerick is best when it's lewd,                          
Gross, titillating, and crude.                              
But this one is clean,                                      
Unless you are seen                                         
Reading it aloud in the nude.                               
                                                            
35165 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



The Gods in the sky are unkind.                             
Not only have made Milton blind                             
And Beethoven deaf,                                         
Now worst of all left                                       
Me minus a clever last line.                                
                                                            
35166 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Irving Superior     P8505



If this humble ditty gets posted,                           
On the Web where such babble gets hosted,                   
Cyber procrastination,                                      
Credit gleans as creation,                                  
"Here's to digital word games", we toasted.                 
(toast point is a web page for limericks middle-late 90's)  
35167 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Julupa                   



Our lesson tonight                                          
Considers the plight                                        
Of the dyslexic poet named Chad                             
Who writes limericks abysmally bad.                         
He can't get it right.                                      
                                                            
35168 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Cyber Geezer             



Two Aggies were digging a ditch,                            
When one called the other a snitch,                         
And they started to fuss,                                   
But were too dumb to cuss,                                  
So this limerick's encountered a hitch.                     
                                                            
35169 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Cyber Geezer             



There once was a girl from Madrid.                          
Oh! The terrible things that she did!                       
Her actions so bad,                                         
Each envious lad                                            
Wrote limericks on her ending in mid...                     
                                                            
35170 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jim Weaver Collection    



Cryptographers said, "We're in luck;                        
On transcripts we're no longer stuck.                       
The solution is here.                                       
It is perfectly clear,                                      
That the expletive missing is [expletive deleted].          
                                                            
35171 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Albin Chaplin   3024-2677



A limerick without any punch                                
Will surely displease us a bunch.                           
It may be just fine                                         
But without a punch-line,                                   
The whole thing just falls apart.                           
                                                            
35172 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Neal Wilgus         P8505



I started out writing one line.                             
The second one came out just fine.                          
The third was a chore.                                      
Barely made it through four.                                
But the fifth, I can't get to work.                         
                                                            
35173 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm always running out of time!                             
It takes too long to make a rhyme.                          
So, if it' s OK by you,                                     
Here's what I think I ought to do:                          
Finish this limerick right now.                             
                                                            
35174 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Lynn Mostafa             



These limericks are just not too smart;                     
They fail a punchline to impart.                            
I give this advice;                                         
I won't say it twice:                                       
Just finish whatever you ...                                
                                                            
35175 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Michelle                 



There was a young man from Milan                            
Whose limericks just didn't scan.                           
The endings were wrong;                                     
They were often too long;                                   
Or finished abruptly.                                       
                                                            
35176 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Richard Long             



There was a young fellow of Trinity                         
Who, although he could trill like a linnet, he              
Could never complete                                        
Any poem with feet,                                         
Saying: "Idiots!  Can't you see what I'm writing            
Happens to be free verse.                                   
35177 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Anon                     



So far this limerick's "squeaky";                           
No words foul or offensive did speak he.                    
Only words fit and fine                                     
Until the last line.                                        
And the mood I'll say seemed...fucking freaky!              
                                                            
35178 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Writerman                



A programming genius named Smiler                           
Thought he'd made up a simple compiler.                     
But through trouble with loops                              
Was constrained to cry "Whoops,                             
This get viler, gets viler, get viler..."                   
                                                            
35179 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          J A Cade                 



So I hired this sweet chick named Ms. Zelling,              
But she causes me genital swelling.                         
Now my wife would have fired her,                           
But the reason I hired her,                                 
Was to help with my gramer and speling!                     
                                                            
35180 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Bob Birch           P0204



A Limerick should scan and should rhyme                     
Though some I have seen in my time                          
Do neither one well,                                        
And as you can tell,                                        
This one will have one hell of a last line.                 
                                                            
35181 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Fred Cohen          P8311



With down-sizing everywhere,                                
We limerickers should be aware                              
That we must strive                                         
To keep line five.                                          
                                                            
                                                            
35182 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Irving Superior     P9606



In China the limerick is wrong --                           
A sort of upside-down song.                                 
But this is the worst,                                      
The last line comes first,                                  
There was a young man of Hong Kong.                         
                                                            
35183 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



There once was a poet named Syme,                           
Who avoided the obvious rhyme.                              
He'd put 'this' after 'that',                               
And 'dog' after 'cat',                                      
And he hated this sort of last line.                        
                                                            
35184 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Michael Palin            



A programming genius named Sewter                           
Built a limerick-writing computer.                          
The meter was fine                                          
And the rhymes quite divine,                                
But for some reason the damn thing always                   
Got the last line wrong.                                    
35185 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          D Gutteridge             



An East German fellow named Fritz                           
Drove people out of their wits.                             
"I leave things undone,"                                    
He said, "Just for fun                                      
And I think I know why.  It's..."                           
                                                            
35186 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jan Sand                 



A limerick author's suppos'                                 
To write a verse tight, not verbose;                        
Keep syllable counts                                        
To metered amounts.                                         
At least one should, if at all possible, be somewhat close. 
                                                            
35187 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Gary Hallock             



In trying to compose a short verse,                         
My poetical effort grew worse,                              
So I tried to seduce                                        
The limerick's Muse,                                        
But found she was off on vacation.                          
                                                            
35188 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Norm Storer              



There once was a man (you might know him)                   
Who worked all his life on a poem!                          
Though he tried and he tried                                
Till the day that he died,                                  
He never could thing of a good ending for 'em.              
                                                            
35189 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Japan,                             
Whose limericks never would scan.                           
When someone asked why,                                     
He would slowly reply,                                      
"Perhaps it is because I always try to get as many dirty    
words in the last line as I possibly can.                   
35190 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Anon                     



A decrepit old gas man named Peter,                         
While hunting around for the meter,                         
Touched a leak with his light.                              
He arose out of sight,                                      
And, as anyone can see by reading this,                     
He also destroyed the meter.                                
35191 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



There was a young fellow from China,                        
Whose sense of verse was much finer.                        
He thought it divine,                                       
To end the last line,                                       
Quite suddenly.                                             
                                                            
35192 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



The limerick, peculiar to English,                          
Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.                  
Once Congress in session                                    
Decreed its suppression,                                    
But people got around it by writing the last                
  line without any rhyme or meter.                          
35193 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



A limerick writer named Liddle,                             
Confronted a difficult riddle:                              
Da dum de de dum,                                           
Da dum de de dum,                                           
He could end and begin, but not middle!                     
                                                            
35194 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



A scatter-brained poet named Hoffman                        
Was writing non-sequiturs often.                            
He'd be doing just fine                                     
But then blow the punch line                                
When the tuna fish covered the coffin.                      
                                                            
35195 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jim Weaver Collection    



A limerick is meant to rhyme,                               
Generally all of the time.                                  
But don't be a fool,                                        
There's no hard and fast rule;                              
Not all of them must!                                       
                                                            
35196 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jim Weaver Collection    



This newsgroup has seen quite a dearth                      
Of limericks with any worth.                                
Some writers, quite crass,                                  
Use tits, twat, and ass,                                    
And pass the result off as mirth.                           
                                                            
35197 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Sue Mitchell             



There once was a poet named Annie,                          
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.                     
Her technique was sound,                                    
But often she found,                                        
That when she wrote any,                                    
She always wrote one line too many.                         
35198 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man in the moon,                           
Whose limericks were finished too soon.                     
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
35199 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Richard Long             



Though the first line may seem apathetic,                   
The second line waxes poetic.                               
The fourth and the third                                    
Are somewhat absurd.                                        
But the fifth line is parthegenetic.                        
(parthegenetic - born of unmarried woman, a real bastard)   
35200 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Arthur Deex         P9106



Said the teacher to young Master Bacon,                     
"Your grammar's so bad, I am shaken."                       
Said young Bacon, "What gall!                               
It is not bad at all --                                     
I don't thing that your point is well took.                 
                                                            
35201 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Albin Chaplin   3024-2430



I don't understand punctuation;                             
It fills me with great perturbation.                        
The solution, I've found                                    
Is to scatter around.                                       
Dots and commas with "much aberration.                      
                                                            
35202 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Tiddy Ogg                



In composing a limerick to portray                          
The problems presented by 2K,                               
While searching for a rhyme,                                
I ran out of time....                                       
                                                            
                                                            
35203 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          J. M. Turley             



There once was a fellow from Xiangling,                     
Whose greatest delight was in mangling                      
Poems. He would drop                                        
Words between lines and lop                                 
Their ends off and leave readers dang                       
                                                            
35204 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Elliot Moreton           



My eyesight is randomly cursed                              
With a left-to-right image.  The worst                      
Of it all?  I don't know;                                   
wohs lliw melborp eht nehW                                  
Or which line will be seen as reversed.                     
                                                            
35205 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Peter Wilkins            



To those who are anxious to view                            
LIM's shortest fifth line -- lucky you!                     
Your P. C. apply                                            
And mouse it to my                                          
www.                                                        
                                                            
35206 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Irving Superior          



There once was a boy from the sticks                        
Whose Limericks stopped at line six.                        
They started OK                                             
But then went astray                                        
When he found himself in a fix                              
Towards the end.                                            
35207 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Rob Saunders        P0309



There was a young poet named Symes,                         
Who never completed his rhymes;                             
He made things confusing,                                   
By ---- --- - ---------,                                    
Or skipping the third or fourth lines.                      
                                                            
35208 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Nick D Kim               



There was a young woman of yore                             
Who sentence construction was poor.                         
She said, "It's a curse!                                    
I speak in reverse!                                         
Finish I start I before!"                                   
                                                            
35209 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Richard Long             



If I could travel through time                              
And write limericks that rhyme,                             
Or, for that matter, scan,                                  
I would travel back and                                     
Start this one again.                                       
                                                            
35210 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          John Fotheringham        



If poets don't give it much thought,                        
then limericks can finish too short.                        
It is such a bore                                           
When they stop at line four.                                
                                                            
                                                            
35211 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Richard Long             



There once was a man from the Styx,                         
Who did love to write limericks.                            
But he failed at the sport,                                 
For he wrote them too short.                                
                                                            
                                                            
35212 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          EFS                      



There was a young lady from Drew,                           
Who ended her verse at line two.                            
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
35213 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



From hither and yonder, a quest                             
To see who's the Limericking best.                          
If you're a competer                                        
With rhyming and meter,                                     
Prepare for the ultimate test.                              
                                                            
35214 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED                                   



A songbook editor named Ellis J.                            
Couldn't write, but used songs anyway.                      
He'd stretch syllables till they worked,                    
And all his nearly-rhymes hurt,                             
And unnatural his lyrics were to say.                       
                                                            
35215 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Jim Weaver Collection    



The five line limerick. Let's omit                          
Lines three and four -- these two obit.                     
They mostly are pap.                                        
They just fill the gap,                                     
And stall line five's incisive wit.                         
                                                            
35216 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Irving Superior     P9102



Though Purists may my concept twit,                         
I'll stake my repute upon it.                               
I'll three/four rhyme                                       
One final time,                                             
Though Edward Lear my throat may slit.                      
                                                            
35217 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Irving Superior     P9102



Without three/four, it will permit                          
Us all to rest our brains a bit.                            
                                                            
                                                            
For this alone, cold turkey quit.                           
                                                            
35218 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Irving Superior     P9102



On second thought, with sex our game--                      
With smutty verse our claim to fame--                       
Why not before                                              
Lines three and four                                        
Add one line more                                           
And change to SEXATETTE our name?                           
35219 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Irving Superior     P9102



A Buddhist and student of Freud,                            
With line four I struggled and toyed.                       
But now there's no trace --                                 
                                                            
I may have just entered the Void.                           
(Not even a space)                                          
35220 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          H Whelchel               



As I now approach my Nirvana                                
I'm eating up lines like piranha.                           
                                                            
                                                            
See? Two more just bid me manana.                           
                                                            
35221 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          H Whelchel               



The Japanese are very polite,                               
And are said to be erudite.                                 
But we can't understand                                     
Why, in that land,                                          
Thgir eht morf tfel eht ot etirw yeht.                      
                                                            
35222 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Ed Wolfert          P8208



A newspaper poet from Hearst                                
Deprived of his reason                                      
By uncontolled sneezin',                                    
Was by phantasmal demons coerced                            
To write all his limericks reversed.                        
                                                            
35223 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED          Elliot Moreton           



When younger, but Lord! We had fun!                         
Was it wars or just whores to be won?                       
But as for these verses,                                    
'Twixt bedpans and nurses,                                  
I can't come up with a one!                                 
                                                            
35224 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    Jim Weaver Collection    



Well, maybe and just for a start                            
I'll avoid any reference to "fart";                         
Just write something silly                                  
While I munch on this chili...                              
(Damn stuff blows my asshole apart)                         
                                                            
35225 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    John Miller              



The problems of great complication                          
Administer digitization.                                    
The increased luminosity                                    
Will reduce the verbosity                                   
And result in eschewed obfuscation.                         
                                                            
35226 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    Albin Chaplin   3024-2512



Constructed using rhyme and meter,                          
The prose will likely be sweeter,                           
Save when the man-jack                                      
Is a simpleton hack,                                        
Who's humor must mention a peter.                           
                                                            
35227 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young poet said: "Fine,                         
I shall now write a post-modern rhyme,                      
But deconstructing the medium                               
Is just so much tedium,                                     
I don't think I'll write the last line.                     
                                                            
35228 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    Richard Long             



'98 and I firmly resolve                                    
To write limericks that do not involve                      
Any words that allude                                       
To things vulgar and crude...                               
(Ah, shit, that's a rhyme I can't solve)                    
                                                            
35229 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    John Miller              



There was an old man from Hong Kong,                        
Whose limericks always went wrong.                          
The stopped at line three.                                  
('Tis a pity," said he,                                     
"But at least they don't go on too long.")                  
                                                            
35230 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    Richard Long             



If poets don't give enough thought,                         
Then limericks can finish too short.                        
It is such a bore                                           
When they stop at line four.                                
(Or that's what I've always been taught.)                   
                                                            
35231 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    Richard Long             



'98 and I swear I will pass                                 
Any writing that's lowly and crass.                         
I'll take every pain                                        
To attain a high plane...                                   
(Well, stick that idea up your ass!)                        
                                                            
35232 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    John Miller              



I though it would be quite a thrill                         
Writing limericks with lines that are nil.                  
But it isn't working;                                       
My madness was lurking.                                     
At Bedlam, they'll give me a pill!                          
                                                            
35233 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    CM                       



To write limericks with lines that are none,                
Wouldn't that just be oodles of fun?                        
With no rhyme and no meter,                                 
It couldn't be neater.                                      
I'm afraid that it couldn't be done!                        
                                                            
35234 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    CM                       



To write limericks with lines zero                          
Was the dream of the Emperor Nero.                          
He fiddled around;                                          
Rome burned to the ground;                                  
And nobody thought him a hero.                              
                                                            
35235 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    CM                       



A young would-be poet named Pip,                            
Tried to write rhymes with lines zip.                       
All that great pain                                         
Caused his mental strain                                    
On reality, loosening his grip!                             
                                                            
35236 LIMS - SELF DESCRIBED - NOT    CM                       



The Limerick lacks the precision                            
To evaluate all sound and vision;                           
Yellow bricks in a pile,                                    
Or a sonata for file,                                       
Require an aesthetic decision.                              
                                                            
35237 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            E O Parrot               



If my limericks you, too, don't like,                       
I would suggest that you take a hike!                       
The kill file is there                                      
For all you who care,                                       
My anapest ravings to spike.                                
                                                            
35238 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Alexander Baron          



Fuck Shit! Now the limerick's an ART?!                      
Such dignity make my ass smart.                             
I'd rather have lepers                                      
And dead whores and peppers                                 
Inflaming the place whence I fart.                          
                                                            
35239 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            H Welchel                



When I rise in the morning I curse;                         
I'm bewildered by matters perverse.                         
Then the first thing I do,                                  
Write a limerick or two,                                    
So from bed I will go right to verse.                       
                                                            
35240 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Albin Chaplin       P0212



O limerick, O poesy sublime,                                
Endowed with most elegant rhyme;                            
Cerebral or naughty,                                        
Ascetic or bawdy,                                           
Arousing both ends at one time.                             
                                                            
35241 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Mark Levy           P9606



While reading the board, He said "Fuck!                     
One last chance for a rhyme that don't suck!                
Remember the meter,                                         
Don't play with your peter,                                 
And hope that the zipper's not stuck!"                      
                                                            
35242 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Anon                     



If you value your sanity, friend,                           
Heed this warning and run like the wind.                    
The poetic elite                                            
Cannot stifle the beat --                                   
Once the doggerel barks, he's unpenned.                     
                                                            
35243 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Mary Sullivan            



In reference to not doing laundry,                          
I'll admit you've got me in a quandary.                     
I read 'em real good,                                       
And I know that I should                                    
Have found a nice double entendre.                          
                                                            
35244 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY                                     



There was a young fellow from limerick                      
Whose nature was frightfully choleric.                      
When he flew off the handle                                 
It cause no great scandal.                                  
They said "Sure he's always eccenterick."                   
                                                            
35245 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            England's Humor Sig P9012



A limerick shapes to the eye                                
Like a small very squat butterfly,                          
With its wings opened wide,                                 
Lots of nectar inside,                                      
And a terrible urge to fly high.                            
                                                            
35246 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            David McCord             



Masculine rhymes of the heart                               
Play a verse role quite apart...                            
They stride 'cross the page,                                
Their battlefield stage,                                    
Strutting their proud martial art.                          
                                                            
35247 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Tutta Gioia              



Lines with soft feminine endings,                           
Perfect for gentle befriendings;                            
In sweet whispers end,                                      
Caresses portend,                                           
And perfect for broken-heart mendings.                      
                                                            
35248 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Tutta Gioia              



There once was a man from Paris,                            
Who only could count up to three.                           
When he wrote a verse,                                      
'Twas invariably terse;                                     
He's got good vocabulary.                                   
                                                            
35249 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Jim Weaver Collection    



I happen to know an old bitch,                              
Who's an eager collector of kitsch.                         
Even worse, she is trite                                    
And believes she can write:                                 
What comes out, could be called Limeritsch!                 
                                                            
35250 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0011



Moonlight reflects on the snow;                             
Thousands of diamonds that glow,                            
As we strolled along                                        
Together like a song,                                       
That has not reached its crescendo.                         
                                                            
35251 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Azul                     



Your lips are so warm on mine,                              
As we embrace from time to time.                            
In the distance we see                                      
Our cottage by the tree,                                    
That awaits with a bottle of wine.                          
                                                            
35252 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Azul                     



On the hearth burns a log fire,                             
In front a rug to us inspire,                               
As we lay side by side,                                     
Love burns in my eyes                                       
And my fingers explore with desire.                         
                                                            
35253 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Azul                     



Caresses we'll share through the night;                     
God this just feels so right.                               
I'd like to pretend                                         
The night never ends,                                       
But a new one will start at twilight.                       
                                                            
35254 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Azul                     



Ell eye em ee are eye see kay:                              
The verse for a poet at play;                               
But for old maids and prudes                                
And Puritan dudes,                                          
It's the sign of vile moral decay.                          
                                                            
35255 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Norm Storer              



The sonnet's for lovers delerious                           
Or for thoughts profound and mysterious.                    
The limerick's brevity                                      
Encourages levity,                                          
And keeps one from getting too serious                      
                                                            
35256 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Norm                     



A curious limerick this;                                    
Trifle minimalist innit Chris?                              
Or maybe (what fun)                                         
It's installment, part 1?                                   
But more likely there's summat amiss.                       
                                                            
35257 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY                                     



Now, I think the chances are slim                           
Of making this into a lim,                                  
Which is still just as witty,                               
Without sounding shitty,                                    
Or using some stock word like "quim."                       
                                                            
35258 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY                                     



Arnie writes poems by the tens,                             
But soon he'll be making amends,                            
For committing the crime                                    
Of trailing his rhymes,                                     
With a pen name he stole from two pens.                     
                                                            
35259 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY            Keith Gilman        P0202



A limerick's easy to write,                                 
And provides a brief respite,                               
From sonnets and plays                                      
On cold winter days,                                        
And also on hot summer nights.                              
                                                            
35260 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY                                     



Since New Years, the sparse elocution                       
Of feminine lim contribution                                
Has now got me pondering,                                   
If ladies are wandering                                     
Around in 'per verse' resolution.                           
                                                            
35261 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY                                     



There was an old man from Peru,                             
Whose limericks all looked like haiku.                      
He said with a laugh                                        
"I cut them in half,                                        
The pay is much better for two."                            
                                                            
35262 LIMS - TYPE - ARTSY                                     



What's happened to all of my boys?                          
The ones with those wicked hard toys?                       
Who every night                                             
Could rhyme at the sight                                    
Of pussies and titties -- such joy!                         
                                                            
35263 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



The role of a lim is to shock,                              
Though gentleness I will not knock.                         
As tragedy bores                                            
In G & S scores,                                            
So lims should allude to some cock!                         
                                                            
35264 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



The Limerick is bastard or bitch;                           
Most times it is hard to tell which.                        
The fault is paternal                                       
Or could be maternal:                                       
Depends on which one has the itch!                          
                                                            
35265 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



This lewd group is my secret passion;                       
I haunt it to get my week's ration                          
Of lims, raunch and bawdy;                                  
Then hide it, by gawdy,                                     
To be ribald is just not in fashion!                        
                                                            
35266 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



Some limericks you need to read thrice,                     
And others you wouldn't read twice.                         
They just might be naughty                                  
Or possibly bawdy --                                        
But much that is naughty is nice.                           
                                                            
35267 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            James Montgomery         



In limericks, it's not thought perverse                     
High muckety-mucks to ASPERSE.                              
Though they think we oughter,                               
Use just holy water,                                        
We'd rather use rude bawdy verse.                           
                                                            
35268 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            J'Carlin                 



When 'bawdy' is all one can write,                          
And thinks that such stuff is all right,                    
And all one can do                                          
Is appealing as poo;                                        
It's certain one can't be too bright.                       
                                                            
35269 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            Bill Taylor         P9912



I just want to go write something rude,                     
Something dirty, incredibly lewd;                           
Like an underaged louse                                     
Getting screwed by a mouse,                                 
Or the queen-mum is bathing all nude!'                      
                                                            
35270 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



The rhymes here are often salacious,                        
About poking and things quite fellatious;                   
To all of you wizards,                                      
I say: "Leaping Lizards!                                    
"Good Heavens!"  and  "My goodness gracious!"               
                                                            
35271 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



Now my son, you should just hark,                           
'Twas written by gospeller Mark,                            
Those tales about Titian                                    
And dumb mathematician,                                     
Were writ on the walls of the ark.                          
                                                            
35272 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            Tiddy                    



A dame quite conversant in etiquette,                       
Tried to write dirty rhymes for Connecticut.                
That bilingual wench                                        
Even tried it in French.                                    
But her quest to profane was patheticut!                    
                                                            
35273 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            Brian Belge              



Because I'm so clever and keen,                             
No 'wrong' words will ever be seen                          
In limericks I write                                        
Or prosily shite,                                           
Since I'm apt to say what I mien.                           
                                                            
35274 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



You've seen from the words that we utter,                   
That most of us come from the gutter;                       
Our verses are rude                                         
And are frequently crude;                                   
They would likely cause Grandma to splutter.                
                                                            
35275 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



The lady in search of five-liners,                          
Quite covered the table for diners,                         
With horrible scraps                                        
Of sexual mishaps,                                          
Of those who agreed and decliners.                          
                                                            
35276 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            Linda Marsh Coll         



The limerick itself can be crude,                           
For those who're a bit of a prude.                          
Naughty thoughts quite free,                                
Written with pure glee;                                     
I've even read some that are rude!                          
                                                            
35277 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            Maggie                   



It's true, I'm a talented genius,                           
But, a secret, if kept here betweenius,                     
Is that chicks who like lims                                
Deny me their quims,                                        
Because of my penius teenius.                               
                                                            
35278 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



In limericks it's often the plan                            
To start off, "There was a young man,"                      
Who did this or that                                        
With a dog or a cat,                                        
That few of the rest of us can.                             
                                                            
35279 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



So visiting's out, but who cares?                           
A Limerick can catch unawares.                              
So words we may trade;                                      
Get verbally laid.                                          
How well can you lay down those snares?                     
                                                            
35280 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY                                     



A good limerick is certain to vex                           
Those especially mod horses necks;                          
The 15 percent                                              
Of adults who lament                                        
That TV is more thrilling than sex.                         
                                                            
35281 LIMS - TYPE - BAWDY            A. N. Wilkins       P9106



Most limericks that I have seen                             
'Bout the clergy have all been obscene;                     
Now, here is a change                                       
(Though uncommonly strange);                                
A bunch that are actually clean!                            
                                                            
35282 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Cap'n Bean          P0206



I've given up sex for a while;                              
I've decided it isn't my style.                             
I'll live like a monk                                       
Till my willy has shrunk,                                   
And avoid all things vulgar and vile.                       
                                                            
35283 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Peter Wilkins            



Azul will so seldom attack us                               
Or smack us or hack us or whack us                          
For posting indecently                                      
(Like I did quite recently),                                
But out of the blue she will FAQ us.                        
(Azul - Frequently Asked Questions for alt.arts.limericks)  
35284 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Travis Brasell           



Can a limerick be funny yet clean?                          
Instead of a fucking machine,                               
Could you write about shopping,                             
Or cooking or mopping,                                      
Now I'm joking, and just being mean.                        
                                                            
35285 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Jim Weaver Collection    



If limerick writers seem lecherous,                         
Remember, appearance is treacherous.                        
They're often as mild                                       
As an infant or child --                                    
On that you can jolly well bet yourous.                     
                                                            
35286 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          James Montgomery         



Danny? Hey Danny! Stop snoring!                             
I've millions more, I'm assuring                            
You; lims with no sex                                       
Which I trust won't perplex                                 
You. (But fuck it; they're awfully boring).                 
                                                            
35287 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



Said a limerick writer, "I'm stuck                          
For a rhyme for a stud known as Chuck.                      
Our staid population                                        
Proscribes copulation,                                      
And won't let me use the word 'fuck'."                      
                                                            
35288 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Barrie Collins           



Clean's okay, but a bit out of place;                       
It's certainly not a disgrace --                            
But the ones that are dirty,                                
Sexy, sassy, and flirty,                                    
Sure put a smile on my face!                                
                                                            
35289 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Kaylin                   



A limerick's often obscene,                                 
Though a good one can also be clean.                        
The rhymes must be right,                                   
The meter set tight,                                        
The wit should be clever and keen.                          
                                                            
35290 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Cap'n Bean               



This ode I've composed just to show,                        
We don't need to be stooping so low.                        
As to post all that stuff                                   
About cock, tit and muff,                                   
I just thought I'd be letting you know.                     
                                                            
35291 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



The limerick packs laughs anatomical                        
Into space that is quite economical.                        
But the good ones I've seen                                 
So seldom are clean,                                        
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.                   
                                                            
35292 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Anon               G2244a



I'm waking this morning to find                             
The obscenities clouding my mind                            
Have all vanished away.                                     
On this glorious day                                        
I feel dignified, clean and refined.                        
                                                            
35293 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



Need some content in a hurry?                               
Struggling authors, just don't you worry.                   
Limericks are fun,                                          
And easily done,                                            
And legal - except in Missouri.                             
                                                            
35294 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Lynn Mostafa             



That last verse had hackneyed old rhymes,                   
So I'd better quit, (not before time,)                      
And I'm getting quite maud-                                 
lin and you'll be bored,                                    
So farewell, 'fore I'm dropped in the slime.                
                                                            
35295 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



In order to keep these lines chaste,                        
We must compose all our words without haste.                
With allusions, be crafty;                                  
Without clothes, it's drafty!                               
Those fingers keep well interlaced!                         
                                                            
35296 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Priestess           T9801



I've worked on this limerick all day                        
And now, to my utter dismay,                                
It's a perfect try,                                         
But it seems that I                                         
Forgot what I wanted to say.                                
                                                            
35297 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Ericka                   



A limerick that's intellectual                              
And lacking in reference to sexual                          
Has long been pondered                                      
But not being entendre'd                                    
Is usually quite ineffectual.                               
                                                            
35298 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          MrMalo                   



This poem's entirely clean,                                 
Not a word that's profane or obscene.                       
Not a thought incorrect                                     
To offend any sect,                                         
And not funny -- see what I mean?                           
                                                            
35299 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Jonathan Baker      P9408



An anonymous poet online                                    
In a really short period of time,                           
Can compose something lewd;                                 
Usually quite crude,                                        
Except all those limericks of mine!                         
                                                            
35300 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



Like our Mayhood and Patton and Bean,                       
I love limericks that turn out obscene.                     
But while sitting in church,                                
From above I heard, "Birch,                                 
Repent now and keep your stuff clean."                      
                                                            
35301 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Bob birch                



Well, it's partly the shape of the thing                    
That gives the old limerick wing.                           
Those accordion pleats,                                     
Full of airy conceits,                                      
Take it up like a kite on a string.                         
                                                            
35302 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          David MacCord            



I'm bummed that I missed something rude                     
(And naughty, offensive and crude).                         
Oh well, guess that's life.                                 
I'll play with my fife                                      
And try to improve this foul mood.                          
                                                            
35303 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



We now need the poems of dead whores,                       
And limericks with festering sores.                         
We can't use green meat                                     
Nor of hermits we speak,                                    
So give them more slime at the cores.                       
                                                            
35304 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Jim Weaver Collection    



Pen a limerick metaphoric!                                  
With Dantesque depth -- allegoric;                          
In lieu of the drivel                                       
Which makes our brains shrivel,                             
I crave some phantasmagoric.                                
                                                            
35305 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Anon                     



Though limerick lines may be lewd,                          
I prefer that humor be shrewed                              
Or rather subtle,                                           
So in rebuttal,                                             
Rarely do I need to be crude.                               
                                                            
35306 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Jim D                    



There seem to be hundreds of verses.                        
(I haven't yet read them all; curses.)                      
Of those I have read,                                       
There's no mention of head,                                 
Nor of doggy-positions with nurses.                         
                                                            
35307 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



A limerick should pack a surprise                           
So devised as to give you a rise...                         
While a few want 'em clean,                                 
Even quite epicene,    (lacking characters of either sex)   
This book ain't for those silly guys.                       
                                                            
35308 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Grand Prix Lim    7      



The limericks here are quite rude;                          
Some verge on being most crude;                             
If you write limericks,                                     
Must it be about dicks?                                     
Or could we have some that aren't lewd?                     
                                                            
35309 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



There once was a man from Racine...                         
No, this isn't the limerick you've seen,                    
This one's undergone cleaning                               
And removal of meaning.                                     
Not much left of what might have been.                      
                                                            
35310 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Fred Cohen          P8309



This writing must really be easy,                           
Especially when it can be sleazy.                           
But let's not go too far,                                   
Or upraise the bar;                                         
We don't want our customers queasy!                         
                                                            
35311 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



I think that I once might have seen                         
A cute little lim that was clean.                           
'Twas flirty, and perty,                                    
But not at all dirty.                                       
I forget now what it might have been.                       
                                                            
35312 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



Are any of these limericks clean?                           
Or am I just being too mean?                                
Could I write on the Universe?                              
Or similar in verse?                                        
Or would you find this most obscene?                        
                                                            
35313 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



Oh dammit!! I said (while away),                            
I'd be clean as a whistle and say                           
Not a thing about sex,                                      
But instead I would flex                                    
Intellectual muscles today.                                 
                                                            
35314 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED                                   



This is a G-rated forum.                                    
Write in the accepted norm.                                 
Children are reading.                                       
Before proceding,                                           
Ensure us a proper decorum.                                 
                                                            
35315 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Hugh Clary               



Proportioned precisely, this verse                          
Delivers a message that's terse.                            
Though often it may                                         
Be slightly risque,                                         
It seldom is downright perverse.                            
                                                            
35316 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          R. J. Winkler       P8505



When it has a venomous sting,                               
The Limerick's a mightly good thing.                        
For in it, you know,                                        
One can let himself go,                                     
And shoot, as it were, on the wing.                         
                                                            
35317 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          J. C. Alden         P9706



On the sins of my youth I have brooded:                     
"No more dirty rhymes, I've concluded.                      
So my motives, you see,                                     
Are now pure as can be,                                     
Though my limericks are sadly de-lewded.                    
                                                            
35318 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Norm Storer         P9506



The limerick's an art form complex,                         
That's chiefly devoted to sex;                              
But down by the sea,                                        
Folks who run Amnesty                                       
Want clean ones...to help save some necks.                  
(Amnesty Internation limerick contest, $5.00 per entry)     
35319 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Bob Millington      P9603



I want something new for my pleasure;                       
I could collect coins, or hunt treasure.                    
There's football and dance,                                 
Origami, and stamps...                                      
This limerick's too clean by a measure.                     
                                                            
35320 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Jim Weaver Collection    



The limerick's callous and crude;                           
Its morals distressingly lewd;                              
It's not worth reading                                      
By persons of breeding.                                     
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.                       
                                                            
35321 LIMS - TYPE - CLEANED          Albin Chaplin 3024  G2245



There was an anthologist who                                
Decided that nought was taboo.                              
Her words are so rude,                                      
Her verses so lewd,                                         
I'm sure they'll appeal to you.                             
                                                            
35322 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Linda Marsh Coll         



All the purists say it's always best                        
If a limerick's beat is anapest.                            
Make it base and obscene,                                   
Dirty, sick and unclean,                                    
And take pains to avoid all the rest.                       
                                                            
35323 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          William N Nesbit         



I like them best nasty and crude,                           
With images foul and rude                                   
Like the girl from Azores                                   
With the meat-festooned drawers                             
Which even the doggies eschewed.                            
                                                            
35324 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



Said an aging professor named Dwight,                       
Who composed bawdy limericks all night,                     
"Hell, my golf game's plumb shot,                           
I'm not partial to pot,                                     
And my privates are suffering from blight."                 
                                                            
35325 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Armand E Singer         1



The limerick is certainly based                             
On a rhythm that's beautifully paced.                       
But it's penchant for punning                               
And linguistic cunning                                      
Is considered (by some) in bad taste.                       
                                                            
35326 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



Sure, I took a hiatus from rhyme,                           
But I can't say I had a nice time;                          
See, the air was too fresh,                                 
(No allure of rank flesh)                                   
It is here I belong, with the slime.                        
                                                            
35327 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Mark Levy           P9610



Though limericks written as clean                           
Can still be amusing and keen,                              
I'm inclined to believe                                     
And I strongly perceive                                     
That the best ones are highly obscene.                      
                                                            
35328 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Cap'n Bean          P9912



If you only like limericks clean,                           
There's a whole 'nother world you've not seen.              
So check out the naughty ones,                              
Those raunchy and bawdy ones,                               
They're some of the best I've ob scene!                     
                                                            
35329 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Writerman                



Let's see you write a funny love story,                     
Bust a gut not to make it too whorey...                     
Forty sounds, even less,                                    
Rhyming five-line finesse,                                  
With the last line a hot blaze of Glory!                    
                                                            
35330 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          John T. Coultard  8 P8504



The soul of the limerick is this:                           
A good one's a hot sloppy kiss.                             
But for the most part                                       
They burp and they fart,                                    
And the worst ones are brim full of piss.                   
                                                            
35331 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Neal Wilgus         P8505



Some verses here are atrocious;                             
To call them limericks at all is precocious.                
Replacing good wit                                          
With offensive bullshit,                                    
Would make Mother Theresa ferocious!                        
                                                            
35332 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



Verse of Limerick is rather strange,                        
And sometimes it is out of range.                           
But in case it is out,                                      
I am sure, no doubt,                                        
The unsuitable range must be changed.                       
                                                            
35333 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Slava Meskhi        P0007



True lovers say limericks don't rile 'em;                   
They simply collect and compile 'em --                      
The limericks of whores                                     
And bastards and bores,                                     
And virgins and those who defile em.                        
                                                            
35334 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Albin Chaplin   3024-0013



Here are neatly turned odes of small span,                  
Much concerned with our bodily plan,                        
And the intercorporeal                                      
Highly sensorial                                            
Love-life of woman and man.                                 
(first limerick of Legman's second volume)                  
35335 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                              G0001



Now you have got it all wrong;                              
Clean limericks do not belong.                              
If it's clean and purty,                                    
And not filthy dirty,                                       
It's a Country and Western song.                            
                                                            
35336 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          -                        



Many's the girl I have wooed,                               
But there's dam fucking few I have screwed.                 
When it comes to a fuck,                                    
I have no fucking luck,                                     
No wonder this limerick is crude...                         
                                                            
35337 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



The limerick's admitted, a verse form:                      
A terse form: a curse form: a hearse form.                  
It may not be lyric                                         
And at best its Satyric,                                    
And a whale of a tale in perverse form.                     
                                                            
35338 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Conrad Aiken 1964        



New limericks herein are presented --                       
Some simple, some bold, some demented.                      
There is here an arrangement                                
Of every derangement,                                       
Either factual, supposed, or invented.                      
                                                            
35339 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Albin Chaplin   3024-0012



The limerick's a queer aberration;                          
It's a form of sexual sublimation.                          
Words sent to the mind,                                     
Like a "a rosy behind,"                                     
End in doggerel, not copulation.                            
                                                            
35340 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Limericks Hist & HysP0209



When limericking of tongue and of lips,                     
Do I mean of head or of hips?                               
Which end can I mean                                        
Without seeming obscene,                                    
As into the crater it slips?                                
                                                            
35341 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



Now we have come to the lewd,                               
The risque, the bawdy, the rude,                            
And all those narrations                                    
Of sex aberrations                                          
I'm certain you all have eschewed.                          
                                                            
35342 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          E O Parrot               



I value my comfort with slang,                              
The freedom to name things that hang,                       
The right to pronounce                                      
Those girl-things that bounce,                              
And use the F-word for a "bang."                            
                                                            
35343 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Bob Birch           P9912



A poet who loved to make hay,                               
Gave to us the 'Tip of the Day;'                            
"Limericks aren't clean...                                  
They should be obscene."                                    
To which we subscribe "Fucking A!"                          
                                                            
35344 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Frank Fazed              



Though your meter and rhyming be fit,                       
You must still add a portion of wit.                        
As has often been sin,                                      
If you put garbage in,                                      
What comes out is a bucket of shit.                         
                                                            
35345 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Lance Payne         P8505



The Limerick's the best poem I've seen;                     
If you've read them, you know what I mean.                  
You can read pages and pages --                             
They appeal to all ages --                                  
Yet none of the good ones are clean.                        
                                                            
35346 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          John Patrick Riley       



I'm just a dirty old man,                                   
Getting thrills any way that I can.                         
Keep writing the porn,                                      
And I'll get the horn,                                      
While your limericks crude I will scan.                     
                                                            
35347 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Tiddy Ogg                



I lament, as a true connoisseur,                            
Clever limericks grow fewer and fewer.                      
For the sources are crass,                                  
Like an old horse's ass,                                    
And I think many stink of manure.                           
                                                            
35348 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          K C Morrill         P0302



Or perhaps inspiration they lack,                           
Which explains why there's many a hack.                     
Without culture or genes,                                   
They are just Philistines,                                  
Having neither the means nor the knack.                     
                                                            
35349 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          K C Morrill         P0302



For good limericks take time to compose;                    
One needs metre and rhyme, heaven knows.                    
But the best, I admit,                                      
Call for deft, subtle wit,                                  
Laced with sexual innuendos.                                
                                                            
35350 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          K C Morrill         P0302



There once was a shaggy old mutt,                           
Who lived in a drafty old hut.                              
He stayed out of the sewer                                  
And shunned ripe manure,                                    
But he loved to read rhymes filled with smut!               
                                                            
35351 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          ROE                      



Here's limericks from ceiling to floor,                     
Just thousands o'er which you may pore.                     
A few might salute                                          
A cute prostitute,                                          
But some (GASP) refer to a whore!                           
                                                            
35352 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Mark Levy           P9502



Godammit, I've screwed up my quota!                         
Of smut there is not one iota                               
Contained in this missive.                                  
Not being dismissive,                                       
But it's dirt mouth that jump-starts my motah.              
                                                            
35353 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



A limerick that isn't obscene                               
Has no right to be written or seen                          
No need to say "fuck"                                       
Or a word such as "suck."                                   
But endeavor to keep them unclean.                          
                                                            
35354 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



With poems, I just want to win;                             
I sure would have had a large grin.                         
A dirty limerick                                            
Would sure do the trick,                                    
And this one's as dirty as sin.                             
                                                            
35355 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Howard Tayler            



A young man whose first named was Dick                      
Tried hard to write one limerick.                           
He wrote line after line                                    
And he thought they were fine,                              
But the things that he wrote made me sick.                  
                                                            
35356 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Bill Taylor         P9808



My limericks are all rated 'X'.                             
They're chock full of 'hards' and 'erects',                 
And 'humming' and hock',                                    
And my sweet Peacock,                                       
And sex, sex, sex, and more sex.                            
                                                            
35357 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Ericka                   



There's a lady I know in Moline                             
Who writes limericks and they are clean.                    
It wasn't her aim                                           
To continue this game,                                      
And new ones are somewhat obscene.                          
                                                            
35358 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Gerry Busch              



Our lims about sex don't get far;                           
We've exhausted both pasture and bar;                       
Our prurient range                                          
Of topics won't change,                                     
As long as females stay as they are!                        
                                                            
35359 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



When reading these limericks, you'll see,                   
I've written with great liberty.                            
They're all about sex                                       
In a literal context,                                       
And not good for mixed company.                             
                                                            
35360 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



Though limericks will suit either gender,                   
Yet some are devised with such splendor                     
That they're far too stentorian                             
For young ladies Victorian,                                 
Since they're not meant for ears that are tender.           
                                                            
35361 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Albin Chaplin   3024-0009



It needn't have ribaldry's taint,                           
Or strive to make everyone faint.                           
There's a type that's demure,                               
And perfectly pure,                                         
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.                    
                                                            
35362 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Don Marquis         P9506



I make this disclaimer, post haste.                         
These limericks are not in good taste.                      
Before reading please sign                                  
Below on the line,                                          
To certify you're not too straight-laced.                   
                                                            
35363 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          M David Tilson           



Dirty limericks are truly traditional,                      
With crudeness and insults additional.                      
But I have to agree,                                        
They don't have to be:                                      
Their depravity's not unconditional.                        
                                                            
35364 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          John Miller              



If you're seeking your X-rated dose,                        
Rest assured that this ditty is GROSS.                      
With filth, sex, and gore                                   
Till there's no room for more.                              
I won't write one again that comes close!                   
                                                            
35365 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          John Miller 0144         



At one time a limerick was pure,                            
Quite innocent...harmless...demure.                         
It was playful and light,                                   
But it dropped out of sight,                                
And resurfaced chuck full of manure.                        
                                                            
35366 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Bob Birch                



A limerick need not be pure;                                
It may stink like a load of manure.                         
Nor need it be bawdy,                                       
Off-color, or gaudy,                                        
Though that does help, to be sure.                          
                                                            
35367 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Laurence Perrine    P9411



A Limerick, sketched in the rough,                          
Should undergo testing that's tough;                        
Does it scan like it ought,                                 
Are the rhymes finely wrought --                            
And is it offensive enough?                                 
                                                            
35368 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Norm Storer         P9804



Limericks are a test of the brain,                          
To get lines to rhyme yet again.                            
But a poem on farts,                                        
Hardly ranks amongst arts,                                  
Or is it just me that's insane?                             
                                                            
35369 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



So we hope for your edification                             
These Limerix bestir a sensation                            
The prudish call lust,                                      
If not, they're a bust,                                     
And pardon us for their creation.                           
                                                            
35370 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Grand Prix Lim  990      



Since "pithy verse" is what I do                            
And though sometimes they scan askew,                       
If you're contented with                                    
My forte -- basic pith,                                     
I'll keep on raining pith on you.                           
                                                            
35371 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Irving Superior     P8701



The limerick meter you've hit;                              
And I see this one funny bit.                               
Your rhymes, though they're swell,                          
Give off a rank smell.                                      
You're preoccupied with some shit.                          
                                                            
35372 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          That Guy                 



The prudes loudly voice condemnation                        
Of all forms of sex education,                              
But surreptitiously read                                    
Limerick of THIS breed,                                     
And rejoice in their edification.                           
                                                            
35373 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Grand Prix Lim    5      



The limerick form I eschew,                                 
Except for a subject that's blue,                           
When rollicking verse                                       
Instead of a curse                                          
Enhances one's prurient view.                               
                                                            
35374 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          W. H. von Dreele    P8904



My verse sounds like I'm drunk on hard liquor;              
I'm afraid I got sick and then sicker.                      
My work's rarely clean                                      
But if it's too obscene,                                    
Don't print it and I'll never bicker.                       
                                                            
35375 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



When I hear an answering machine                            
I get dirty and mean.                                       
I must indict                                               
Indite and recite                                           
Limericks totally obscene.                                  
                                                            
35376 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Jim Jambor          P9105



Limerick writing's a very crude art.                        
You're allowed to say teat, bum, and fart.                  
And if really silly,                                        
Can even say willy;                                         
Rhyme and scan's the cumpulsory part.                       
                                                            
35377 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          R. Frederick             



Many verses offensively rude,                               
Lascivious, ribald and lewd,                                
Are found in this book.                                     
But please, have a look;                                    
They're OK if you're in the right mood.                     
                                                            
35378 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Dag Schjelderup     P9103



My limericks it seems are inferior;                         
Some think they come from my posterior.                     
I don't mind the abuse;                                     
It's not an excuse,                                         
But I must have a rotten interior.                          
                                                            
35379 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Tony Burrell             



Sphincter a-twitch with delight,                            
Tool-drooling at verse with some bite,                      
I shot-wadded a pair.                                       
'Twas that breath of foul air                               
From your fecally lim, set me right!                        
                                                            
35380 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



A limerick of classic proportion                            
Should have meter and rhyme and a portion                   
Of humor quite lewd,                                        
And a frightfully crude                                     
Impossible sexual contortion.                               
                                                            
35381 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



If you can't guess the name of the game,                    
Entendres Galore is its name.                               
The lucky one finds                                         
What we do with our minds,                                  
Would put Jocelyn Elders to shame.                          
                                                            
35382 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



There once was a poet named Rick,                           
Whose limericks were nowhere near slick.                    
His lacking in meter                                        
Was matched by his peter,                                   
And as funny as shitting a brick.                           
                                                            
35383 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



Some people think they're quite witty,                      
Making up a humorous ditty.                                 
But what some people write                                  
Should not show in daylight,                                
As they sound really quite shitty.                          
                                                            
35384 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



These poems have come out of my forehead.                   
The subjects are all fairly torrid --                       
Except for a few                                            
That will make you say, "Pugh!"                             
And those are the ones that are horrid.                     
                                                            
35385 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



You guys with the poems of dead whores                      
We can still use the festering sores.                       
We may not use green meat,                                  
Nor of Dave may we speak,                                   
So give them disgust to their cores.                        
                                                            
35386 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a poet one day,                              
Who on limericks was oft known to say,                      
"Unless they are blue,                                      
They cannot be true."                                       
To which other poets say "Nay!"                             
                                                            
35387 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Joe Long                 



A poet "naughty" is down on its luck;                       
All its poets have chosen to duck.                          
So I'll write, out of pity,                                 
This sweet little ditty.                                    
Which is too clean to be here! Oh, fuck.                    
                                                            
35388 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm always intrigued by the wit                             
Displayed in the lims that are writ;                        
Take Jane, for example:                                     
She loves when we sample                                    
The taste of her tits and her slit.                         
                                                            
35389 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



For your limericks you never will score --                  
They are rotten right down to the core.                     
They're abusive and crude,                                  
Offensive and rude --                                       
I love them, keep telling me more.                          
                                                            
35390 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Albin Chaplin   3024-0014



Vagina snot jism ass clit,                                  
Transvestite cock anus balls tit.                           
Turd urine fart fuck,                                       
Piss rectum dick suck,                                      
Erection twat nipple cunt shit!                             
                                                            
35391 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Steve                    



The limericks we all love today,                            
Evolved a circuitous way,                                   
From pure and quite clean                                   
To gross and obscene,                                       
And that's how it seems they will stay.                     
                                                            
35392 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Bob Birch                



The limerick's form is demanding;                           
To write one that's really outstanding,                     
You must stick to the beat,                                 
Be sure rhymes don't repeat--                               
And use four-letter words in the anding.                    
                                                            
35393 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Norm Storer         P9505



The limerick is easy to chart,                              
It's more of a craft than an art.                           
The trick's to be cautious                                  
And not use those nauseous                                  
Words: shit, cock, piss, fuck and fart.                     
                                                            
35394 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                              G2247



If things could return once again                           
To how they were way back when,                             
I could write a nice poem                                   
About hearth and home,                                      
Before limerickosis sets in.                                
                                                            
35395 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Terry Braaten            



A limerick can sing with its words;                         
Sweet song that can rival the birds.                        
But subjects profound                                       
Very seldom are found.                                      
A more usual topic is turds.                                
                                                            
35396 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Fred Cohen          P8505



I'll make this real simple and plain.                       
From your advice, I shall abstain.                          
Words like fuck, suck and licks,                            
Guys with huge throbbing pricks,                            
Are lims I find that most entertain.                        
                                                            
35397 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



In my heart are these harsh words engraved:                 
"Although it is clear that you've slaved,                   
No way can you sit                                          
For the Nobel in Lit,                                       
With verses so vile and depraved."                          
                                                            
35398 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Norm Storer              



My limericks, I have been told,                             
Are filthy as well as quite bold.                           
I'll clean them today,                                      
And every washday,                                          
Until I get rid of the mold.                                
                                                            
35399 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Arden                    



After reading the limericks by Taylor,                      
My complexion grew quite a bit paler.                       
For I and the rest,                                         
Well, we write at our best,                                 
When we swear like an old drunken sailor.                   
                                                            
35400 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Bob Birch           P9912



Some of the group's limericks, I fear,                      
Seems from the SATYR's pen, dear.                           
They're lecherous and bawdy;                                
Some downright naughty!                                     
The 'boys' seem to write with a leer!                       
                                                            
35401 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED          Maggie                   



A pure poetess name of Gert,                                
With the limerick form she did flirt.                       
But beware of the yanks                                     
And their terrible pranks,                                  
Or they'll have you right down in the dirt.                 
                                                            
35402 LIMS - TYPE - DIRTIED                                   



The first of  all people was Adam,                          
     And out of his ribs appeared Eve;                      
Her primary task was to pad 'em,                            
     The pain of her birth to relieve.                      
She fed him with fruit                                      
And attempted a suit...                                     
35403 LIMS - TYPE - DOUBLE           Moira Blyth              



     But God said: "How crude!                              
     Though you cease to be nude,                           
Never hope, my unfortunate madam,                           
Your apronless state to retrieve.                           
                                                            
                                                            
35404 LIMS - TYPE - DOUBLE           Moira Blyth              



There was an old person of Dover                            
Who called on his sister in Deal,                           
With a sack hanging over his shoulder                       
In which was a whopping big eel.                            
It leapt down the area, scuttled upstairs,                  
                                                            
35405 LIMS - TYPE - DOUBLE           Walter De La Mare        



It gobbled up bolsters and wash-jobs and chairs.            
Her boots, shoes, and slippers, in single and pairs;        
And alas! when this Ogre                                    
Had finished its meal,                                      
There was no one in Dover with a sister in Deal.            
                                                            
35406 LIMS - TYPE - DOUBLE           Walter De La Mare        



There was an old man with a gun,                            
Who espied an old lady named Pheasant;                      
She sat on a seat in the sun,                               
And he stared and he stared -- most unpleasant:             
But at last drawing near,                                   
                                                            
35407 LIMS - TYPE - DOUBLE           Walter De La Mare        



He made it quite clear                                      
That he had no intention so rude to appear,                 
But was merely confused,                                    
Being out with his gun,                                     
At espying a lady named Pheasant.                           
                                                            
35408 LIMS - TYPE - DOUBLE           Walter De La Mare        



If there be any author of verse                             
(Whether excellent, weakish, or worse)                      
Who resents an omission                                     
To obtain due permission,                                   
From apology I'm not averse.                                
                                                            
35409 LIMS - TYPE - FIRST/LAST       Harold C. Bibby          



The limerick's lively to write;                             
Five lines to it -- all nice and tight.                     
Two long ones, two trick                                    
Little short ones, then quick                               
As a flash, here's the last one in sight.                   
                                                            
35410 LIMS - TYPE - FIRST/LAST       David McCord             



The following content's unclean;                            
Don't view if you're under eighteen,                        
Or if you're a prude.                                       
I write in the nude,                                        
So they do not quite bear to be seen.                       
                                                            
35411 LIMS - TYPE - FIRST/LAST       Phil T                   



Many friends to my help gladly came;                        
They sought neither favor nor fame:                         
If, despite all this aid,                                   
Mistakes have been made,                                    
The author alone is to blame.                               
                                                            
35412 LIMS - TYPE - FIRST/LAST       Harold C. Bibby          



I've taken a two month vacation                             
From posting lims as a vocation.                            
But I've found that the lack                                
Made me sad, so I'm back;                                   
I've been lurking and taking notation.                      
                                                            
35413 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS                                    



Soon it's National Poetry Months                            
But, in spite of my groaning and grunts,                    
To pen a wee ditty,                                         
Alack, what a pity:                                         
They all make me look like a dunce.                         
                                                            
35414 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS                                    



A horrible month was May!                                   
My wife then found out she is gay.                          
She broke up our hitch;                                     
Ran off with some bitch;                                    
Now I just jack-off all day.                                
                                                            
35415 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Jon Skelton              



Time moved on to December.                                  
Now all I do is remember                                    
The sex that we had,                                        
Sometimes real bad;                                         
Then it wasn't me, just my member.                          
                                                            
35416 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Jon Skelton              



So here, the month is now June,                             
And I have turned into a loon.                              
My dick in my hand                                          
Is so very grand,                                           
That I now prefer it to poon.                               
                                                            
35417 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Jon Skelton              



Alas, and now comes September.                              
No longer, I play with my member.                           
It's not very stout;                                        
I wore the thing out!                                       
No pleasure for now will it render.                         
                                                            
35418 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Jon Skelton              



Is there a nice lim of the month                            
So that it will rhyme with the month.                       
Perhaps I am thick                                          
With the brain of a brick,                                  
And keep to a fairly dumb bunth.                            
                                                            
35419 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Jim Mandel               



Can the first of the month be the oneth,                    
'Cause then I can rhymbe with the month.                    
But I just don't know,                                      
That I know I'm slow.                                       
In class I was put with the dunth.                          
                                                            
35420 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Jim Mandel               



You mean:  On the first of October,                         
While fucking my sister Sue's Dober-                        
Mann, it sunk its teeth                                     
In the tender spot 'neath                                   
My prick, and it near made me sober.                        
                                                            
35421 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Tiddy Ogg                



I won't do the first of the Junes;                          
It's been sung in a great many tunes.                       
And most of that shite                                      
Is so very trite,                                           
It deserves my very best moons.                             
                                                            
35422 LIMS - TYPE - MONTHS           Archie                   



There was an old man of St. Bees,                           
Who was stung on the arm by wasp.                           
When asked, "Does it hurt?"                                 
He replied, "No, it doesn't.                                
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."                            
                                                            
35423 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           William S Gilbert        



A pretty girl touring Versailles,                           
Remarked, "It's too bad; I could cry.                       
I've been here ten days,                                    
And not gone to the Louvre."                                
"Never mind," someone said,                                 
"It's probably the hard water."                             
35424 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY                                    



The limerick is lean, tough and mean,                       
But it functions like any machine.                          
Give it fuel, give it air,                                  
And just to be fair,                                        
Take vacations in good old Racine.                          
                                                            
35425 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Neal Wilgus         P8505



The man from Nantucket would blush,                         
And tell his companion to hush.                             
If he could just see,                                       
What's on pay TV,                                           
He'd turn off the set in a rush.                            
                                                            
35426 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Larry Davis         P8507



I sat next to the Duchess at tea.                           
It was just as I feared it would be:                        
Her rumblings interior                                      
Were clearly inferior                                       
To the rumblings emitted by me.                             
                                                            
35427 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Laurence Perrine    P8509



A poet with myrtle                                          
And intellect fertile                                       
Can write                                                   
Overnight                                                   
A limerick curtal.                                          
                                                            
35428 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Laurence Perrine    P8505



The ' sits all aglow                                        
As high as a [ can go.                                      
Looking down at the trash                                   
Like the - and the --                                       
And it sneers at the , below.                               
                                                            
35429 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Albin Chaplin 3024  P8508



There was a lovely young miss,                              
Who went down to the river to read.                         
A young man in a punt,                                      
Stuck an oar in her eye,                                    
And now she has to wear glasses.                            
                                                            
35430 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY                                    



There was an old harlot named Hearst                        
Who tied a black wreath on her womb.                        
Said the doctor, a cynic,                                   
"Oh my dearest, you thrill me,                              
But a llama is Numero Uno."                                 
                                                            
35431 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Al Chaplin          P8603



A handsome young monk in the wood,                          
Who wished he had never been born,                          
When asked to account                                       
For his low bestial sport,                                  
Halfway up the lieutenant's intestine.                      
                                                            
35432 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Al Chaplin          P8605



There was an old whore of Azores                            
Who tried the fandango on skates.                           
Said the Vicar, "Good gracious,                             
I hear someone coming."                                     
Said the grocer, "I'll skin back and see."                  
                                                            
35433 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Albin Chaplin       P8601



The Duchess, when pouring out tea,                          
Was raped in the garden by seven.                           
But, alas, halfway over                                     
Her mother said: "Nelly --                                  
De minimis not curat lex."                                  
                                                            
35434 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Arthur Deex         P8510



There was an old abbot of Khief,                            
Discovered a fossil colossal.                               
At a masquerade ball                                        
He deflowered young owls                                    
And voted for Governor Wallace                              
                                                            
35435 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Arthur Deex         P8512



Lord Randall, on top of his tart,                           
One Easter eve supped on papaya.                            
But the mettlesome bitch                                    
She whipped out her glass eye,                              
And his parents were quite overjoyed.                       
                                                            
35436 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Arthur Deex         P8606



A young man with passions quite gingery,                    
Who drank till he ruined his kidney.                        
He said, "Bugger the Crown,                                 
But please put the light out                                
When there's no one about in the quad."                     
                                                            
35437 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Arthur Deex         P8607



There was a young Queen of Baroda                           
Who was nicer by far that her sister:                       
Her breast in white satins                                  
Hung down to his knees.                                     
She never had washed it in years.                           
                                                            
35438 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Arthur Deex         P8608



There once was a maiden from Sydney,                        
Who boarded a bus in a trance;                              
The dogs at her feet                                        
Suggested coition,                                          
From Johann Sebastian Bach.                                 
                                                            
35439 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Ed Potts            P8602



There once was a man from Pawtucket,                        
Who wrote poems that never would scan.                      
When his balls banged together,                             
As I feared from the start,                                 
It's the people in front get the jar.                       
                                                            
35440 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Fred Cohen          P8511



Said the mythical King of Algiers                           
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,                            
Just look at me, Joe                                        
All ass and no forehead,                                    
Of such is the kingdom of heaven.                           
                                                            
35441 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Martin Wellborn     P8509



A well-endowed Scot named McAmiter                          
Took a lesbian up to his room.                              
Then he clanged them together,                              
Which rendered him nutless,                                 
So he finished her off in mid-air.                          
                                                            
35442 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Robin K. Willoughby P8507



There was a young man from St. Paul,                        
Who went to a birth control ball;                           
He said, "I admit                                           
The partition split,                                        
Front page, sporting section, and all."                     
                                                            
35443 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Tom Rudy            P8609



There was a young fellow named Cass,                        
By all of the lads in his class                             
Nor would he have been                                      
As he wiped off his chin;                                   
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.                  
                                                            
35444 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Tom Rudy            P8609



There once was a plumber from Leigh,                        
Who came home as drunk as could be;                         
A woman is fine,                                            
At half-past nine,                                          
Enjoyed in the highest degree.                              
                                                            
35445 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Tom Rudy            P8609



A sickly old preacher named Hyde,                           
Who ate some green apples and died;                         
In case you were blind,                                     
Please go in from behind,                                   
She now does her work on the side.                          
                                                            
35446 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Tom Rudy            P8609



There was a young man from Peru,                            
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew,                           
"His wife in despair                                        
Of his his lady's affair,                                   
Nine thousand, five hundred, and two."                      
                                                            
35447 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Tom Rudy            P8609



Said a greedy old piggie, "Although                         
The sows leave when they've eaten enough,                   
I still squat in the slough                                 
With my snout in the trough,                                
I will never admit I am through."                           
                                                            
35448 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY                                    



So there you are out on a bough--                           
Your wife just told you that you're through;                
Partner stole the dough,                                    
You've a two-year cough--                                   
So as you jump you cry, "Enough!"                           
                                                            
35449 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Irving Superior     P9007



There once was a man from Dunoon,                           
Who always ate soup with a fork.                            
He said, "When I eat                                        
Either fish, fowl, or flesh,                                
I otherwise finish too quick.                               
                                                            
35450 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a limerick brimm1ng with wit,                       
Which does not contain the word "shit."                     
Its B rhymes are perfect                                    
Likewise the meter                                          
Needless to say, this ain't it.                             
                                                            
35451 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Michael Weinstein   P9106



There was an old man of Tobago                              
Whose Limerick jokes did too far go;                        
Till a kick on the seat                                     
Made him much more discreet.                                
He wonders now, "When will the scar go?"                    
                                                            
35452 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY           Langford Reed     (Bibby)



Said a great English writer, "Oh, Shaw!                     
My testes are small as the Dickens."                        
Said his surgeon, "Great Scott!                             
Here's a fine pair-o'-Keats';                               
I'll transplant them and make your Balsworthy."             
                                                            
35453 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY                                    



------- ------- is colored, they say.                       
------- ------- is a terrible lay.                          
------- ------- is a kike,                                  
------- ------- is a dyke,                                  
And President -------  is gay.                              
(a do-it-yourself insulting limerick - McW)                 
35454 LIMS - TYPE - PARODY                               G2494



The Cap'n does not take offense,                            
Nor does he go off in defense.                              
If you add to my verse                                      
And keep it perverse,                                       
He gladly and fully consents.                               
                                                            
35455 LIMS - USED                    Cap'n Bean               



These limericks are strictly PG                             
And so clean they bore even me.                             
But, hey, what the fuck?                                    
Buddy, you're in luck,                                      
For at least all my drivel is free!                         
                                                            
35456 LIMS - USED                    Lynn Mostafa             



The very best limerick collections,                         
Especially bawdy selections,                                
Are read by the fellows                                     
In high class bordellos                                     
To while away time 'twixt erections.                        
                                                            
35457 LIMS - USED                    Ed Potts            P8505



A youngster, who thought it was cool,                       
Brought a limerick book into school;                        
He recited a bit,                                           
And the teach' had a fit,                                   
And detained him for breaking the rule.                     
                                                            
35458 LIMS - USED                    Cap'n Bean               



There once was a teacher named Gray,                        
Who said to her students one day,                           
"Now, you have until one,                                   
To get a limerick done."                                    
The class groaned the hour away.                            
                                                            
35459 LIMS - USED                    Bill Wall                



I'm sorry for writing this shit,                            
But I'm afraid you must still suffer it.                    
For now my great plan                                       
Is to fail my exams,                                        
And the limericks are doing their bit.                      
                                                            
35460 LIMS - USED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm going to write yet another -                            
This one goes out to my brother.                            
Don't be upset by the fact,                                 
Your girlfriend I packed -                                  
For details please read the other!                          
                                                            
35461 LIMS - USED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Do not search for a limerick rhyme                          
For a significant period of time;                           
Just adapt an old syl-                                      
lable, hoping it will                                       
Not disclose a grammatical crime.                           
                                                            
35462 LIMS - USED                    R. J. Winkler       P8505



I don't think you want to fuck him, Rick.                   
For, though he is slender and trim, Rick,                   
When you say, "Let us lay,"                                 
He will answer "O.K.,                                       
But first let me tell you this limerick!"                   
                                                            
35463 LIMS - USED                                        G2699



A Limerick not up to scratch?                               
I find them quite tricky to match                           
With th ones that were written                              
With which you were smitten                                 
Last term. Well here's a new batch.                         
                                                            
35464 LIMS - USED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



An occasional chaser of chicks,                             
Too old for his usual tricks,                               
Now uses his head,                                          
Writing limericks instead,                                  
And, thus, using words, gets his kicks.                     
                                                            
35465 LIMS - USED                    Al Willis           P9702



My birthday's gift's overdue,                               
I knew that you liked limericks, too;                       
For your thanks, just agree                                 
That you'll stick up for me;                                
Remember -- I stuck up for you.                             
(advice from a father to his son)                           
35466 LIMS - USED                    Robin K. Willoughby P8505



The rhythm involved in a limerick                           
Is such a predictable gimmerick.                            
If brains, you've got some,                                 
You know what's to come,                                    
Or at least you know something quite simmerick.             
                                                            
35467 LIMS - USED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm singing the limerick blues;                             
I woke up today with no shoes;                              
I woke up this morn                                         
In a battered and worn                                      
Cardboard carton in Burlington Mews.                        
                                                            
35468 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



Ah turned on the radio news;                                
Mah radio done blew a fuse;                                 
It crackled; it hissed;                                     
It went bang an' I'm pissed                                 
An' I'm singin' the limerick blues.                         
                                                            
35469 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



I'm singing and wailing the blues;                          
I ain't got no money for booze;                             
My babe done me wrong                                       
When she laughed at my dong,                                
And I'm singing the limerick blues.                         
                                                            
35470 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



Ah'm singin' the limerick blues;                            
No money for bourbon an' booze;                             
Ah woke up this morn                                        
An' mah baby was gorn                                       
An' I'm missin' her regular screws.                         
                                                            
35471 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



Mah baby she gone done me wrong,                            
An' that's why I'm singin' this song.                       
Mah baby done left;                                         
I'm feelin' bereft,                                         
Since she chewed off the end of mah dong.                   
                                                            
35472 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



She chewed off the end mah dong;                            
(Mah dong, I said man, not mah jong.                        
Mah jong is a game                                          
But mah dong is gone lame.)                                 
For mah baby she gone done me wrong.                        
                                                            
35473 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



Ah can't get me no satisfaction;                            
Ah can't get no piece of the action.                        
Mah babe done me wrong                                      
When she chewed up mah dong                                 
An' the doc's gone an' put it in traction.                  
                                                            
35474 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



I'm singing the limerick blues;                             
No money for regular booze.                                 
There ain't not a lot'll                                    
Left here in this bottle;                                   
I'm singing the methylene blues.                            
                                                            
35475 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



I'm singing the ethylene blues                              
Way down here in Burlington Mews.                           
My babe done me wrong,                                      
So I'm singing this song,                                   
And I'm sick of the limerick blues.                         
                                                            
35476 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



I'm tired of the limerick blues                             
And dossing in Burlington Mews;                             
No money for booze,                                         
No radio news,                                              
And no woman for regular screws.                            
                                                            
35477 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



There once was a guy with the blues                         
Who rhymed about all of the dues                            
He had paid to get laid;                                    
But the rhymes that he made,                                
Made no mention of jews or of cooz!                         
                                                            
35478 LIMS - USED                    Brian Belge              



She will turn 55 on that day,                               
And she works for that folding type pay.                    
A lim, two or three                                         
Would be helpful to me;                                     
Oh no, she is definitely not gay.                           
                                                            
35479 LIMS - USED                                             



Whenever the weather gets worse,                            
I rarely get angry or curse;                                
I merely sit down                                           
At my keyboard and frown                                    
'Til I've written a limerick verse.                         
                                                            
35480 LIMS - USED                    Peter Wilkins            



There once was a writer who wrote:                          
"Dear Sir In reply to your note                             
Of yesterdays's date                                        
I am sorry to state                                         
It's no good -- at the prices you quote."                   
                                                            
35481 LIMS - USED                    Rudyard Kipling     P8810



I seem to think lims all the time;                          
My thoughts they keep trying to rhyme.                      
It's got me so fed                                          
Up with lims in my head,                                    
Can you stop them, I'll give you a dime?                    
                                                            
35482 LIMS - USED                                             



I don't want to appear as a jerk,                           
But on weekends, from writing we shirk.                     
But now I'm aware                                           
That this isn't quite fair;                                 
It could be, we post them from work.                        
                                                            
35483 LIMS - USED                    Chris Anton              



On visiting Limerick in Erin,                               
You'll find folks are all hard of hearin'.                  
If you would recite                                         
Your limericks you might                                    
Be wise if you first threw a beer in.                       
                                                            
35484 LIMS - USED                    Irving Superior     P8505



Not savoring sonnet or ballad,                              
I suffer a metrical malad-                                  
y patiently till                                            
My appetite will                                            
Be sated by limerick salad.                                 
                                                            
35485 LIMS - USED                    R. J. Winkler       P8505



An orthodox rabbi named Chaim                               
Once thought masturbation a crime                           
Till he found AJL  (alt.jokes.limericks)                    
Where the girls are all swell;                              
Now he gets all his nookie in rhyme.                        
                                                            
35486 LIMS - USED                                             



I tried to speak words to my friend,                        
But my head it was such a dead end,                         
When I opened my mouth                                      
All these rhymes, they came out,                            
And me on my way, she did send.                             
                                                            
35487 LIMS - USED                                             



I've putty and mud for a brain;                             
But to you, it must even be plain                           
To any such dunce.                                          
If you change "There once..."                               
To "Here's to a lady named Jane."                           
(kc8pms wanted drinking limericks)                          
35488 LIMS - USED                    Tiddy Ogg                



So here's to the girl from (some place)                     
Who wore gingham/silk/satin/lace.                           
And after some brandy/                                      
Gin/ginger beer/shandy,                                     
Would happily sit on my face.                               
                                                            
35489 LIMS - USED                    Tiddy Ogg                



I'm sitting here, typing this dross,                        
While Erm's off a-feeding her hoss.                         
I need exercise,                                            
But despite several tries,                                  
I'm too lazy to even have a toss.                           
                                                            
35490 LIMS - USED                    Tiddy Ogg                



By cadences aptly harmonic,                                 
Melodiously macaronic,                                      
A limerick may                                              
Enliven you day                                             
Supplying a trivial tonic.                                  
                                                            
35491 LIMS - USED                    R. J. Winkler       P8505



Unpunished a good deed never goes.                          
This is one thing that not everyone knows.                  
Try it out and you'll see,                                  
It's not only me.                                           
Keep it up and you'll wind up a pro.                        
                                                            
35492 LIMS - USED                    John                     



But to me, it seems now you write lims                      
Attempting to get into quims.                               
Though sometimes instead                                    
You play games with their heads,                            
And rhyme philosophical whims                               
                                                            
35493 LIMS - USED                                             



In limericks, the line is quite fine                        
Between lousy, and good, and sublime.                       
This one's an example                                       
Of rhymes meant to rankle--                                 
And I do it in jest all the time!                           
                                                            
35494 LIMS - USED                    John Miller 0051         



Pronouncing lime-rick may vary                              
So syllable counters are wary,                              
Lest lim-er-ick fit                                         
Where lime-rick was write:                                  
Two varying sounds but not very.                            
                                                            
35495 LIMS - USED                    R. J. Winkler       P8505



The limerick is sometimes a puzzle,                         
A verse form that some folks would muzzle.                  
But, son of a gun,                                          
I just can't write one.                                     
Why sometimes I do a whole duzzle.                          
                                                            
35496 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Neal Wilgus         P8505



Limerick quality varies a lot;                              
Some are clever, and others are not.                        
Some are hits, others miss.                                 
Some are boring, like this,                                 
But they all end up here, on this spot.                     
(referring to Toast Point web page)                         
35497 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Prof M-G           TP9802



One look at a line anapestic,                               
You know it won't be antiseptic.                            
So prudes go elsewhere,                                     
Far from lim's lair,                                        
It's silly to get apoplectic.                               
                                                            
35498 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        TuttaGioia               



Some limericks are merely inane,                            
Others are quite delightful, urbane.                        
Some folks have a leaning                                   
Toward those having meaning,                                
Never mind that the meaning's arcane.                       
                                                            
35499 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



The limerick, outlandish and garish,                        
May come from the whorehouse or parish,                     
And renown can ensure                                       
By avoiding what's pure,                                    
And attacking the symbols folks cherish.                    
                                                            
35500 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Albin Chaplin   3024-0008



The limericks by some are quite clean                       
And others are clearly obscene.                             
There's those who write solely                              
On topics most holy,                                        
But mine fall betwixt and between.                          
                                                            
35501 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



Beware the limerick bore;                                   
From a seemingly infinite store                             
He trots out more verse,                                    
Where the scansion gets worse,                              
But the subject's the same as before.                       
                                                            
35502 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Paul Jennings            



If you'd write in this 'genre' of verse,                    
You must fix on a topic that's terse,                       
And come straight to the point;                             
If the thing's out of joint,                                
Why, than nothing at all, it is worse.                      
                                                            
35503 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Norm Storer              



A limerick chronicler's slant                               
Was that only two kinds are extant:                         
"There are those," he'd surmise,                            
"You can categorize,                                        
And then there are those that you can't."                   
                                                            
35504 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Jerry Nordhal       P0111



On topics of girlfriend or wife,                            
You'll find innuendo is rife.                               
When limerickers meet,                                      
These rhymes they excrete,                                  
Thus swelling the cesspool of life.                         
                                                            
35505 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Cubby                    



The limerick: a mixture of folly                            
And sentiments planned to be jolly,                         
Designed to give pleasure                                   
In metrical measure                                         
When brought to a clever finale.                            
                                                            
35506 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        R. J. Winkler       P8505



The monarch of bawdy expression,                            
The limerick thrives on compression.                        
It packs it all in,                                         
Sin upon sin,                                               
In erotic and lively sucession.                             
                                                            
35507 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        TuttaGioia               



The limerick is seldom quite clean --                       
It is often completely obscene.                             
But don't worry, old cock,                                  
I'm not a shock-jock.                                       
My words are all fit to be seen.                            
                                                            
35508 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Anthony Matheson         



My wife she's always true blue;                             
A birthday for her is soon due.                             
Elizabeth is her name;                                      
She's a fine looking dame;                                  
Could you post me a limerick or two?                        
                                                            
35509 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



Throughout the whole world, experts say                     
That it's Geography Rules!  O.K.?                           
But it's not the location                                   
But the mere appelation,                                    
That's important down Limerick way.                         
                                                            
35510 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        E O Parrot               



The limerick's a minor addiction;                           
A curious kind of affliction.                               
Though it is often uncouth                                  
It holds kernels of truth                                   
Which make it read stranger than fiction.                   
                                                            
35511 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Russ Roth           P8811



Need some quality content in a hurry?                       
Struggling authors, now don't you worry.                    
Limericks are fun                                           
And easily done,                                            
And legal, except in Missouri.                              
                                                            
35512 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Lynn Mostafa             



The limerick and couplet have merged                        
And out of this union emerged                               
The limerick, surprised,                                    
To four lines down-sized;                                   
The couplet unhappily purged.                               
                                                            
35513 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Irving Superior          



While some men have gone making babies                      
And women forestall them with maybes,                       
Our horny Randog                                            
Has kept us agog,                                           
With wads of his limerick rabies.                           
                                                            
35514 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        SFA                      



Quite rabid with limericks I am.                            
They're almost as good as a clam                            
That's bearded and fragrant                                 
In which I can flagrant-                                    
Ly thrust my well-hung bettering ram.                       
                                                            
35515 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Randog                   



What a limerick is in a crunch,                             
Is a bit like a lady's light lunch.                         
Though it briefly delights,                                 
It's just four nutty bites,                                 
Washed down with a ludicrous punch.                         
                                                            
35516 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Graham Lester            



I looked through my files and gave pause,                   
There's verse about vicars and whores,                      
Of sheep, cows and nurses,                                  
And mad nuns; the curse is                                  
To choose one is quite a lost cause.                        
                                                            
35517 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



To make up new words may be comical,                        
And sometimes it's so economical,                           
That sometimes we play                                      
With things that we say,                                    
And get laughter that's just astronomical!                  
                                                            
35518 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



If you say to a literate guy,                               
"Limericks!," Comes a gleam to his eye,                     
And he quotes one or two;                                   
If he can't tell a few,                                     
Then, beware, he's an enemy spy.                            
                                                            
35519 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



Limericks, it is clear to see                               
Have sexual tendencies.                                     
Can it be done                                              
Just for some fun,                                          
Without being stripped or teased?                           
                                                            
35520 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Anon                     



There are girls from equator to pole                        
Who claim no one's been into their hole.                    
You can cover the girth                                     
Of the whole fucking Earth.                                 
To come up with these limericks droll.                      
                                                            
35521 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        John Miller 0326         



It has been said that a limerick                            
Is an Irish poetical gimmerick,                             
Written by and for men                                      
And the feminine pen                                        
Is really not up to the trick.                              
                                                            
35522 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Lucy K Milburn      P9803



Limericks, as I've said here before,                        
Are quite like a favorite whore;                            
Provide lots of fun                                         
For everyone,                                               
But do not come in the front door.                          
                                                            
35523 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Tony Burrell             



The limerick is a big waste                                 
Of time and it leaves a bad taste                           
In my mouth, like bad beer.                                 
I rinse out the whole schmeer                               
With lots of real minty toothpaste.                         
                                                            
35524 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Lee Tracy                



This is not my most favorite lim.                           
All these words appear very dim.                            
In fact, they're not there.                                 
Indeed, they're nowhere.                                    
Did you drop this here on a whim?                           
                                                            
35525 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



The problem I think you will find                           
Is the limerick form is designed                            
For amusement.  Our stuff                                   
Is not serious enough,                                      
For the topics you may have in mind.                        
                                                            
35526 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Peter Wilkins            



Some lives are so odd, you agree?                           
Well worthy of biography.                                   
The limerick traces                                         
Their trials and disgraces                                  
So different from you and from me.                          
                                                            
35527 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        E O Parrot               



Now aren't you just thoroughly glad                         
That I did not post stuff this bad?                         
You might have made fun                                     
Of all but this one,                                        
And that would have made me real sad.                       
                                                            
35528 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



Does a limerick have to be crude                            
Or simply insightful yet rude.                              
I prefer politics                                           
Over rhymes about dicks,                                    
But perhaps I'm a bit of a prude.                           
                                                            
35529 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        kj                       



The limerick bridges the gap                                
Between what's in the head and the lap.                     
That which makes my life good,                              
(Like my pecker of wood)                                    
Seems somehow profound in this rap.                         
                                                            
35530 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



The limerick's a verse form fantastic                       
And the things it can do are quite drastic.                 
It can stretch on a rack                                    
But it always snaps back,                                   
For it's made of recycled elastic.                          
                                                            
35531 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Neal Wilgus         P8505



With insatiable drive to expound                            
Vain feelings constrained, seeming bound;                   
What he couldn't in mime,                                   
He accomplished in rhyme,                                   
Till relief with a Limerick was found.                      
                                                            
35532 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Don Ping                 



There was a young girl from Bangkok,                        
Who wrote limericks rude that could shock.                  
The limericks were topical                                  
And quite biological,                                       
And all had vaginas and cocks.                              
                                                            
35533 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Robert Elliot            



Because I do not have a life,                               
And my day's full of struggle and strife,                   
It's really quite easy                                      
To write something sleazy,                                  
'Stead of listening to my nagging wife!                     
                                                            
35534 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



We don't really talk about lims;                            
We'd rather discuss moistening quims.                       
Or Father O'Toole                                           
With boys in his school                                     
Or writings by both of the Grimms.                          
                                                            
35535 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Archie                   



Then some of our tales of the farm                          
And Bessie with all of her charm                            
Still leave room for ewes                                   
Of various hues.                                            
The black sheep will come to no harm.                       
                                                            
35536 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Archie                   



Unlike all the poof and the queers,                         
Who walk around looking at rears,                           
Appearing in tales                                          
And causing great gales                                     
Of laughter, when they reach our ears.                      
                                                            
35537 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Archie                   



My favorite limerick bits                                   
Are when we're discussing big tits.                         
For forty four D's                                          
And thirty eight C's                                        
Attract both my lips and my mitts.                          
                                                            
35538 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Archie                   



I'm sorry for the prose I have wrote;                       
I feel like a clumsy old scrote.                            
I know you write poems                                      
For great leaned tomes                                      
But my talent's less than a mote.                           
                                                            
35539 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Archie                   



For me, it's the play of the words                          
That separates whey from the curds,                         
Though I seldom would quarrel                               
With topics amoral,                                         
Such as incest, or buggering herds.                         
                                                            
35540 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED                                 



Our poetry's simply sublime                                 
And inspiring in meter and rhyme;                           
It expresses but nought                                     
Of intelligent thought,                                     
But uses up acres of time.                                  
                                                            
35541 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Peter Wilkins            



The limerick life is impure                                 
And has never been subject to cure.                         
Its topics are wild,                                        
Anatomically styled --                                      
A versified form of manure.                                 
                                                            
35542 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Archie                   



The moral of the story is this:                             
The tales of a mister or miss,                              
When lascivious or crude,                                   
Are nothing but rude;                                       
But witty is never remiss!                                  
                                                            
35543 LIMS - USED - DESCRIBED        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Where?                            
Whose limerick likings most share;                          
Old faithfuls like these                                    
That are certain to please,                                 
For they always seem to have been there.                    
                                                            
35544 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           E O Parrot               



A good limerick reminds me of you,                          
My Darling: small waist beneath two                         
Starting points to begin a yen                              
For a trip through rhymes feminine                          
To find at the bottom a screw.                              
                                                            
35545 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Don Moore           P9106



I laugh and I laugh till I cry,                             
Gasping for breath ere I die.                               
It's always the naughty,                                    
Outageously bawdy                                           
Limerick that does it for I.                                
                                                            
35546 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Mike Perry               



The next time you find yourself start                       
To put down this venerable art,                             
Instead set your mind                                       
To creating a rhyme                                         
About a bishop who's eating a tart!                         
                                                            
35547 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Tim                      



You may think my limerick unsightly;                        
Maybe you think it quite rightly.                           
Though I sweated and fretted,                               
I never regretted.                                          
If you don't like my limerick, then BITE ME!"               
                                                            
35548 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Jim Weaver Collection    



Rowdy Jack's new obsessions sure are (fish)                 
Rather strange, maybe even bizarre (fish)                   
But a limerick so good,                                     
Don't you think that it should,                             
Net that maritime minstrel a star (fish)?                   
(Comment to Toast Point Sage on a previous rhyme)           
35549 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Stargazer                



A poem of five lines and a rhyme                            
Scheme AABBA and a climb                                    
Down to depths of depravity                                 
In each body cavity,                                        
Is my favorite, limerick sublime.                           
                                                            
35550 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Fred Cohen          P8505



The cloth of the limerick's coat                            
Is cut from the groin of a goat.                            
So throttle your noses,                                     
And don't expect roses,                                     
You won't hear a word you can quote.                        
                                                            
35551 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Joseph Kesselring   P8312



Limerick writing's no cinch.                                
Sometimes one gets in a pinch.                              
It's rather a strain                                        
To wrack one's own brain                                    
In order the fifth line to clinch.                          
                                                            
35552 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Macsam                   



Said the thoughtful old Dean, looking haughty:              
"The real funny things are all naughty.                     
Clean humor is boring --                                    
No sex and no whoring --                                    
Folks only laugh when it's bawdy.                           
                                                            
35553 LIMS - USED - JUDGED                              G2310a



The limerick's a lot like a shoe --                         
It follows whatever I do.                                   
Quite often I put                                           
In my mouth my left foot.                                   
My limericks come out that way too.                         
                                                            
35554 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Neal Wilgus         P8505



Your limericks now are sent in;                             
Today we'll find out who's to win.                          
The best ones we'll share                                   
With you, live on air;                                      
And the rest go straight in the bin.                        
                                                            
35555 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Jim Weaver Collection    



The limerick that has the appeal                            
Is penned by the quill that's facile                        
In the sordid, grotesque,                                   
And in bawdy burlesque,                                     
And in contorted reports imbecile.                          
                                                            
35556 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Albin Chaplin       P8502



This newsgroup's in need of some verses;                    
Some limericks with subtle reverses.                        
So make up your mind                                        
To craft well designed                                      
Innuendoes with cute terse inverses.                        
                                                            
35557 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           J. Gould                 



Cybergeezer, through motives quite chaste,                  
Was arrested for showing bad taste,                         
Accepting at times                                          
Some exceeding bad rhymes,                                  
While letting some good go to waste!                        
(cybergeezer runs limerick page -'was arrested' is mandated)
35558 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Regina Cuta              



Look guy, just wipe off that grin;                          
My patience with this has worn thin.                        
Of all limericks writ,                                      
Seems just two make a hit,                                  
In minds that have gone a bit dim.                          
(Dave and Nantucket)                                        
35559 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Annie Jay                



Though some limericks today are risque                      
And are viewed by a few with dismay,                        
It's as sure as you're born                                 
That this stuff seen as "porn"                              
Is undoubtedly destined to stay.                            
                                                            
35560 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           R. J. Winkler       P8505



Our existence would be that much grimmer ex-                
Cept for the solace of limericks.                           
A fact that's unknown                                       
To two groups alone:                                        
The drearier dons and the dimmer hicks.                     
                                                            
35561 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Robert Conquest          



You writers should not turn out birds                       
Of a feather to Legman's coarse herds,                      
Who go for vile gore                                        
Or a downtrodden whore,                                     
With ailings too loathsome for words.                       
                                                            
35562 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Bill Backe-Hansen   P8512



At Harvard, a randy old dean                                
Said, "The funniest jokes are obscene.                      
To bowdlerize wit                                           
Takes the shit out of it.                                   
Who wants a limerick that's clean?"                         
                                                            
35563 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Grand Prix Lim  500 G2310



You may well curse it and moan,                             
But it has long been well known.                            
With its meter and rhyme                                    
And subject sublime,                                        
That the limerick's the epitome of poem!                    
                                                            
35564 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Tim                      



Limericks, tasteful and clean,                              
Are not a big part of my scene.                             
But if they have screwing,                                  
Or other such doing,                                        
I find them erotic and keen.                                
                                                            
35565 LIMS - USED - JUDGED                                    



My Dear Wife, when asked to hear                            
The limericks included here,                                
Would kneel and pray                                        
In hopes that they                                          
Would exit out her other ear.                               
                                                            
35566 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Irving Superior     P8505



Then scorn not the limerick either,                         
Though as Tennyson said, who know why the                   
Fuck such a rhyme                                           
Makes the Grim Reaper, Time,                                
Such a markedly blither old Scyther.                        
                                                            
35567 LIMS - USED - JUDGED                                    



Limericks are not intellectual;                             
For the most part they're quite ineffectual.                
But with a flick of the nib,                                
And a wit, oh so glib,                                      
They'll imply something fightfully sexual!                  
                                                            
35568 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Emmanuel Lamprecht       



Composing a limerick line                                   
Gives pleasure that few can define.                         
And verses that rate                                        
As "good!" or as "great!"                                   
Are treasures -- I wish they were mine.                     
                                                            
35569 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           R. J. Winkler       P8505



I have written some limericks quite fateful,                
Malicious and vicious and hateful;                          
But I've torn up the jokes                                  
That would sicken most folks,                               
And humanity ought to be grateful.                          
                                                            
35570 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           VOL 7                    



It may speak of fucking and shit,                           
Of asshole, of cunt, cock, or tit.                          
But no matter how clean                                     
Or how greatly obscene,                                     
A good limerick has to have wit.                            
                                                            
35571 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           A. N. Wilkins       P9106



Yes, crude is the limericks's intent,                       
And lewd at its best we consent.                            
But us ladies of breeding,                                  
When doing the reading,                                     
Heard most of them in the convent.                          
                                                            
35572 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Donna B                  



A limerick's for breaking the rules,                        
For showing up churls, prigs, and fools;                    
'Tis  for flashing one's voc-                               
Abulary, as spoke,                                          
And exposing and honing one's tools.                        
                                                            
35573 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Robin K. Willoughby P8505



Of all the limericks ever writ,                             
The bawdy ones -- half raw, half wit --                     
Are worst when read aloud.                                  
So poets, if you're proud,                                  
On hearing one, you should 'shhh' it.                       
                                                            
35574 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Irving Superior     P8505



The limerick's a verse form spectacular,                    
That uses a slangy vernacular                               
To tell dirty jokes                                         
And make vicious pokes --                                   
Though some of them suck just like Drackular.               
                                                            
35575 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Neal Wilgus         P8505



The limericks that men like the best                        
Are morally banned and suppressed.                          
But the orally sprout                                       
For there's rich soil about                                 
And they leave all the ladies distressed.                   
                                                            
35576 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Albin Chaplin   3024-0003



A limerick contest is fine;                                 
Even better t'would be if t'were mine --                    
Not the contest to run,                                     
But my place in the sun,                                    
With a zinger to end the last line.                         
                                                            
35577 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Frederick Cohen     P8305



If you don't find them funny, I'm sad.                      
If you don't pay your money, I'm mad.                       
These pert limericks                                        
Play rediculous tricks.                                     
When you laugh at them, Honey, I'm glad!                    
                                                            
35578 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Laurence Perrine    P8505



Of all the verse forms used by men,                         
The limerick is -- from one to ten --                       
Perhaps about a three.                                      
Five lines then mentally                                    
Exhausted we lay down our pen.                              
                                                            
35579 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Irving Superior     P8505



Sighed a saddened young lady named Conner,                  
"In a limerick, where is there honor?                       
If a miss ever strayed                                      
Into one as a maid,                                         
In the last line the lechers were on her!"                  
                                                            
35580 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Lance Payne         P8505



A limerick smacks some of smut,                             
Or something that comes from the gut.                       
I don't care for clean;                                     
Give me slime and green cream,                              
That smells like an overused slut.                          
                                                            
35581 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Bill Ron                 



There are limericks wholesome and glad;                     
There are limericks bawdy and bad:                          
But as long as they're droll, some,                         
I relish the whole sum,                                     
As I like girls both clad and unclad.                       
                                                            
35582 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Lance Payne         P8505



Though I've searched from Sumatra to Kush                   
For what drives away blues with a push;                     
Nothing else worked as well                                 
As the berries that fell                                    
Off of the limerick bush?                                   
                                                            
35583 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           William N. Nesbit        



A mystery thus-far unsolved:                                
Why do limericks sound so ribald?                           
Over matter and mind,                                       
It's an art form you'll find                                
Leaves persnickety listeners appalled.                      
                                                            
35584 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Derrick Jones            



An erudite monsieur from Brest,                             
Knows his limericks are always the best.                    
For with rhyming renditions,                                
And anal emissions,                                         
One's own always beats all the rest.                        
                                                            
35585 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Frank Bohan              



With syllables two or else three,                           
(Whatever it happens to be),                                
To lim-er-ick freaks                                        
A lime-rick bespeaks                                        
Delectable moments of glee.                                 
                                                            
35586 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Laurence Perrine    P8505



The risque verse has its attraction;                        
The ribald may give satisfaction;                           
But I never have fancied                                    
The nastily rancid                                          
Or verses of sick putrefaction.                             
(I just collect them, I make no moral judgments - McW)      
35587 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Harold C. Bibby          



The limerick, like drugs, is addictive,                     
And it often is cruel and vindictive.                       
Backed by laws that are bold,                               
It must needs be controlled                                 
By a doctor's prescription restrictive.                     
                                                            
35588 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Al Chaplin          P9408



There once was a limerick named Zed                         
Whose meter went right to his head.                         
In fact, his great meter                                    
He confused with his peter,                                 
Which is why he was no good in bed.                         
                                                            
35589 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Neal Wilgus         P8505



There once was a lassie named Cass,                         
Who wanted to prove she had sass.                           
She thought sex a gimmick;                                  
She'd make up a lim'rick,                                   
But she screwed up the rhyme scheme, alas!                  
                                                            
35590 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Jim Weaver Collection    



I only save limericks sublime;                              
So far this year I've saved nine.                           
What's hard to swallow,                                     
Is six came from Malo,                                      
And none of the suckers were mine.                          
                                                            
35591 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           John Miller              



I've limericks writ by the score;                           
My friends ask me, "Whatever for?                           
You call yourself 'poet'                                    
But not one'd know it,                                      
Since you don't write real poems any more."                 
                                                            
35592 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Robin K. Willoughby P8505



The limericks that I like the best                          
Are those that put morals to test,                          
On things biological                                        
And matters illogical,                                      
Which are all in a nutshell compressed.                     
                                                            
35593 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Albin Chaplin   3024-0004



In writing a limerick that clicks,                          
The bawd and the subtle should mix;                         
With subtlety first,                                        
In writing a verse,                                         
Use language that our fancy pricks.                         
                                                            
35594 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Irving Superior     P8505



If the object of rhyming is pleasure,                       
To the reader our searching for treasure,                   
And a limerick suffices                                     
To keep seeker from vices;                                  
Is it classified penance or leisure?                        
                                                            
35595 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Julupa                   



There are two kinds of limerick verse;                      
The dirty ones are called per-verse.                        
(The most dismaying ones                                    
In either kin, are puns)                                    
The cleaner ones are called purr-verse.                     
                                                            
35596 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Irving Superior     P8801



My limericks are getting more crude;                        
To some they may seem downright rude.                       
The cadence, it seems,                                      
Is haunting my dreams!                                      
Stop me before I get lewd!                                  
                                                            
35597 LIMS - USED - JUDGED                                    



The limerick, a bastard art,                                
And though it may come from the heart,                      
Is thought of as cheesy,                                    
Sometimes even sleazy;                                      
A kind of poetic fart.                                      
                                                            
35598 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Mr Malo                  



Of the limericks, we hear lots of ballyhoo;                 
Though it has no medicinal vallyhoo.                        
A limerick a day                                            
Keeps the doctor away--                                     
Or at least that's what poets will tallyhoo.                
                                                            
35599 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Norm Storer              



In limericks, I'm not a trafficker,                         
For my nature is really seraphicker.                        
My stomach sits queasily;                                   
I blush far too easily,                                     
And I do not collect pornographicker.                       
                                                            
35600 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           W. H. Auden         G2349



Well if writing a limerick were easy,                       
With the rhyme and some words slightly sleazy,              
There'd be more posts, quick,                               
In alt.jokes.limerick,                                      
But there ain't, so maybe they're cheesy.                   
                                                            
35601 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           J. Gould                 



The limerick form is so easy,                               
It's no trick at all to be breezy;                          
But the lines of its wit                                    
Are oft flavored with shit,                                 
Arousing the qualms of the queasy.                          
                                                            
35602 LIMS - USED - JUDGED                               G2246



It's not like the ballad or ode,                            
The messages limericks bode.                                
It's a rhyme that, instead,                                 
If found usually read                                       
While sitting upon the commode.                             
                                                            
35603 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Michael Polo        P8604



I've limericks both simple and gaudy,                       
And some that are certainly naughty.                        
But despite sometimes earthiness,                           
All have genuine mirthiness,                                
And are fun to read on the potty.                           
                                                            
35604 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Aaron W. Edwards    P9012



A limerick sesquipedalian,                                  
And whether or not Rabelaisian,                             
Just uses long words                                        
Unfamiliar to nerds;                                        
It's English, not Latin, you alien.                         
                                                            
35605 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Ed Potts            P8603



"When biting a boil on her ass,                             
I nearly expired from the gas..."                           
If you want to hear sleaze,                                 
I've got lines worse than these,                            
But a piece in good taste -- shit, I'll pass.               
                                                            
35606 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Al Chaplin          P8604



We frankly hail the obscene,                                
While prudes plump for limericks clean,                     
Having loudly maligned                                      
Our rich, meaty kind --                                     
Well, let's settle somewhere in between.                    
                                                            
35607 LIMS - USED - JUDGED                              G2245a



Some people find them quite rude,                           
With themes both earthy and crude.                          
But they are soon smitten                                   
Once one they have written,                                 
And I'm sure you will also be wooed.                        
                                                            
35608 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Tim                      



I'd rather play Old Maid or Whist                           
Than listen to some limerist.                               
Their rhymes may be clever,                                 
But spare me forever                                        
From some they can never resist.                            
                                                            
35609 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Warrick Elrod            



The Limerick packs laughs anatomical                        
In a space that is not astronomical.                        
The clean ones we've heard                                  
Are not worth a turd;                                       
It's the "dirties" that stiffen your barnacle!              
                                                            
35610 LIMS - USED - JUDGED                               G2244



Critics scoff at we poets whose verse                       
Only spans five short lines, ever terse.                    
For its theme is, in truth,                                 
Both obscene and uncouth                                    
And its smell is decidedly worse.                           
(To result in coarse laughter, per verse.)                  
35611 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Bob Giandomenico    P9106



The limerick, for all of its faults,                        
(The listing of which would fill vaults)                    
Is not without virtue.                                      
It is too short to hurt you,                                
And it can be sung to a waltz.                              
                                                            
35612 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Norm Storer              



There once was a man and his son                            
Who thought writing limericks was fun.                      
They wrote half the night                                   
And then died at the sight                                  
Of the terrible things they had done.                       
                                                            
35613 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Douglas Airmet           



The limerick contest was fun,                               
But after it's all said and done,                           
I am forced to admit,                                       
The source of the wit                                       
Is usually found in a pun!                                  
                                                            
35614 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           John Dohner         P8712



There are times, I admit, I have seen                       
A limerick lily-white clean;                                
But to trigger a roar                                       
Or a roll on the floor,                                     
They are best when a wee bit obscene!                       
                                                            
35615 LIMS - USED - JUDGED           Ann Gasser          P8808



Most limericks are so damn forgettable                      
That it seems quite a shame and regrettable                 
To waste so much time                                       
On mere meter and rhyme                                     
That won't fuck and don't pay and ain't edible.             
                                                            
35616 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Neal Wilgus         P8312



There once was a limerick so bad                            
That we buried the thing -- it was sad.                     
Alas, its poor ghost                                        
Is now able to boast                                        
That its kind of verse is the fad.                          
                                                            
35617 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Neal Wilgus         P8505



Said the judge, "It is always bad form                      
To depart from the limerick norm,                           
And according to my sense                                   
Of verse, you've no license                                 
To do as you do. So reform!"                                
                                                            
35618 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Laurence Perrine    P8505



I suppose some limericks are clean,                         
But I really don't know what you mean.                      
A limerick uncrude,                                         
With no adjectives lewd,                                    
In my view is not worth being seen!                         
                                                            
35619 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Eccles              T9712



It's not that I don't like your thought,                    
But a limerick ought to be taut,                            
And your verse, though instructive,                         
Is counterproductive.                                       
Let's take it right out to be shot.                         
                                                            
35620 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Oolong                   



Your lim caused my palms to sweat clammily,                 
And my back got a hump that looked camelly;                 
In reading your burble,                                     
I was confident, verbal                                     
Diarrhea must run in your family.                           
                                                            
35621 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Hugh Clary               



A limerick lacking a theme                                  
Is like coffee with out any cream.                          
Its movement is jointless,                                  
Its last line is pointless,                                 
Like an long uninterrupted dream.                           
                                                            
35622 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Laurence Perrine    P8606



I'm bored to extinction with Harrison,                      
His limericks and puns are embarrassin'.                    
But I'm fond of the bum,                                    
For dull as they come,                                      
He makes me look bright by comparison.                      
                                                            
35623 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR                             



On limericks, the sexual part is the heart,                 
For without it (or mention of farts),                       
It's a nursery poem                                         
Which is safe for the home,                                 
Which we never would deign to call art.                     
                                                            
35624 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR                             



Most limericks discretely called laundered,                 
Are ones where the washer has wandered                      
Far off from his tub                                        
And neglected to scrub                                      
The lines over which he has pondered.                       
                                                            
35625 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Bennet Cerf Coll    P9210



The limerick form may not be                                
Quite the purest and best poetry,                           
But at least it's not full                                  
(Like some stanzas), of bull,                               
And didactical pomposity.                                   
                                                            
35626 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Anna Pest           P9005



When limericks encounter analysis,                          
They frequently suffer paralysis:                           
Made witless and void,                                      
Their "wisdom" destroyed                                    
By amateur psychoanalysis.                                  
                                                            
35627 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    R. J. Winkler       P8505



Your limerick, I am refuting;                               
Of its worth, there is no disputing.                        
The spelling is bad;                                        
The meter is sad.                                           
I suggest that you stick to computing.                      
                                                            
35628 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Jim Weaver Collection    



You have no logic at all,                                   
And your limericks tend to appall.                          
A really bad verse                                          
On the ears is a curse,                                     
And far worse than no verse at all.                         
                                                            
35629 LIMS - USED - JUDGED - POOR    Jim Weaver Collection    



Won't buy anything, I'm too cheap.                          
Besides I am probably asleep.                               
Name and number you say,                                    
But don't take all day.                                     
Leave your message after the beep.                          
                                                            
35630 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Marty              TP9807



If you're selling something, then take                      
A jump, concrete clad, in the lake;                         
But if you're a friend,                                     
Hang on 'til the end                                        
Of the beep, and I'll note what you spake.                  
                                                            
35631 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Tiddy Ogg                



Ring-ring-ring!  It's the phone - my behind                 
Is just under the shower.  I find                           
That the towel's out of reach;                              
Never mind, I'll just...Screach!                            
There I sit and the phone has gone si'ent.                  
                                                            
35632 LIMS - USED - PHONE                                     



Ring-ring-ring!  That's that phone by my side.              
In vast 'puter worlds ranging wide                          
But I bother to pick                                        
Up that phone. It's a trick:                                
Into caller's deep silence I slide.                         
                                                            
35633 LIMS - USED - PHONE                                     



Ring-ring-ring! A short look on the dis-                    
Play assures me that there is no risk:                      
Not the number I fear                                       
Or somebody who's dear;                                     
Public phones!  Shit, the boss!  (Whom I'd miss...*)        
                                                            
35634 LIMS - USED - PHONE                                     



Damn the infernal machine                                   
That answers in proxy unseen.                               
But you must speak to it;                                   
You'll never get through it,                                
Unless I pick up in between.                                
                                                            
35635 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Hideout                  



We're sorry we are not home,                                
But there is no reason to moan.                             
We will call you back,                                      
Before we hit the sack.                                     
Leave a message right after the tone.                       
                                                            
35636 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Eva                      



If you like using words, use the phone.                     
If there's no reply, await the tone.                        
Just learn the technique                                    
How, when, and what to speak;                               
Carry on with your message, don't moan!                     
                                                            
35637 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Arthur Pattaffy          



"Hello, I can't answer the phone,                           
Because I am pumping my bone;                               
If you are a chick                                          
In need of a dick,                                          
Your number please leave at the tone."                      
                                                            
35638 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Travis Brasell           



"Hello, Uncle Travis, it's me;                              
Your niece, Katie, from Tennessee.                          
You already know                                            
My number, and so                                           
Please call me when your hands are free."                   
                                                            
35639 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Carol                    



"Well, Hi Katie; my day you've made!                        
Remember the times when we played                           
'Let's Tickle Trav's Pickle,'                               
And you earned a nickel,                                    
When you had advanced to fifth grade?"                      
                                                            
35640 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Travis Brasell           



Hello, you've reached Ericka's phone.                       
But I'm off the hook.  You're alone.                        
So say what you need.                                       
I may not pay heed,                                         
But let 'er rip after the tone.                             
                                                            
35641 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Ericka                   



There once was a fellow called Tone,                        
Who parked to talk on his cell phone.                       
But he wound up in jail                                     
So learn from this tale,                                    
Don't talk in a No Parking Zone.                            
                                                            
35642 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Bob Birch           P0301



Don't think I can't curse like a teen,                      
'Cause I'm am an answering machine.                         
Thus far I'm so cool,                                       
As I believe this rule:                                     
Machines should be heard, not obscene.                      
                                                            
35643 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Anon                     



If you call me, it is a sure bet,                           
That I am getting my winkie wet.                            
I can't pick up the phone                                   
While she's down on my bone;                                
She will soon put me into her debt.                         
                                                            
35644 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Phil T                   



For orgasms - phoney, its true;                             
Phone sex with no matter who.                               
It's usually the plumber -                                  
I'll give you her number,                                   
So she can orgasm with you.                                 
                                                            
35645 LIMS - USED - PHONE                                     



Now while she is phonin' her Jon,                           
Thoughts of her hubby are gone.                             
So Old Man Maloney,                                         
Starts feelin all lonely,                                   
Yet horny, and really turned on!                            
                                                            
35646 LIMS - USED - PHONE                                     



But Missus just won't stop phone-sexin',                    
While leavin' her hubby a vexin'.                           
So Old Man Maloney:                                         
Calls "Old Faithful" (pony)                                 
And rides its' tight ass like a Texan.                      
                                                            
35647 LIMS - USED - PHONE                                     



We're not here to answer the phone;                         
Please wait until you hear the tone.                        
You should know the game,                                   
Leave number and name;                                      
We'll call you as soon as we're home.                       
                                                            
35648 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Observer                 



We're not here to answer the phone;                         
Please wait until you hear the tone.                        
You should know the game,                                   
Leave number and name;                                      
We'll call you as soon as we're home!                       
                                                            
35649 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Observer                 



We are probably out for a spin                              
Or a vodka or tonic and gin.                                
If you'd be so kind,                                        
Leave your details behind,                                  
And we'll call you as soon as we're in.                     
                                                            
35650 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Friar              TP9807



These answer machines aren't cheap,                         
And though I am sure you're a creep,                        
Leave a note if you must                                    
Knowing that I will just                                    
Delete it right after the beep.                             
                                                            
35651 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Cybe R Wizard            



The phone woke me up from my slumber.                       
"She's in bed with her favorite cucumber,"                  
I answered the caller,                                      
Then I heard my wife holler,                                
"Who was that!?"  So I told her: "Wrong number."            
                                                            
35652 LIMS - USED - PHONE            Jerry Nordal        P0301



I think that I may be misusing                              
or possibly even abusing                                    
my intellect [such                                          
as it is - it ain't much]                                   
but I do find these verses amusing.                         
                                                            
35653 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



My wife says I must be misusing,                            
And possibly, even, abusing                                 
Myself-- in as much                                         
As I touch my none-such --                                  
But she finds my perversions amusing!                       
                                                            
35654 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



Your verses I have been perusing;                           
I find them extremely amusing.                              
You rhyme with such ease                                    
Any subject you please.                                     
Talent is everywhere oozing.                                
                                                            
35655 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Curt                     



This sure is an interesting place;                          
Not sure if I dare show my face.                            
Your limericks are clever,                                  
Though mine won't be, ever.                                 
I reckon you people are ace!                                
                                                            
35656 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Aussie Owl               



An Aussie, my luck must be in.                              
With ladies or men do you sin?                              
Or maybe a sheep?                                           
Your little Bo Peep?                                        
Just leave all my mice in the bin.                          
                                                            
35657 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Archie                   



'Cause mice are the joy of my life.                         
They're better than any old wife.                           
They don't even squawk                                      
When used for a fuck,                                       
And never cause me any strife.                              
                                                            
35658 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Archie                   



As a young boy, I was caught wanking.                       
My Granddaddy gave me a spanking.                           
These days I do                                             
My little pet ewe,                                          
And it's my Granddaddy I'm thanking.                        
                                                            
35659 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Aussie Owl               



A limerick should brighten your day;                        
Be witty, perceptive and gay.                               
A neat little verse                                         
Will do nothing worse,                                      
Than banish your bad blues away.                            
                                                            
35660 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          McCormick and Swafford   



I once knew a girl named AJ                                 
Who was here, but then went away.                           
Her rhymes were a hit                                       
'Cause they're chock full of shit.                          
For a Yankee, I think she's OK.                             
                                                            
35661 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



'Twas with glee and amusement I found,                      
On your fertile and shamrocked ground,                      
A limerick tribe                                            
Of sexual vibe,                                             
And deliciously potent with sound!                          
                                                            
35662 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Nathalie F               



To the limerick I give this toast:                          
May you always find victims to roast,                       
May your scansion be true,                                  
And your topics be blue,                                    
And your audience always en-grossed.                        
                                                            
35663 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Norm Storer              



It's true life is often a bitch;                            
Sometimes you get stuck in a ditch!                         
But life must move on;                                      
Your bad times are gone;                                    
With limericks, your life will enrich.                      
                                                            
35664 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Jim Weaver Collection    



As a limerick theme, human tail                             
Is a topic that simply can't fail...                        
For a rhyme's inspiration,                                  
NOTHING beats fornication                                   
And the antics of male and female.                          
                                                            
35665 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Grand Prix Lim    6      



I remember consulting a Buddhist                            
About limericks that he thought the lewdest.                
He replied as he leered,                                    
"I like them quite weird:                                   
They must deal with a fully dressed nudist."                
                                                            
35666 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



They say that a limerick a day                              
Will chase the blues far, far away;                         
But if you're a prude                                       
And the limerick's lewd,                                    
Forget what the connoisseurs say.                           
                                                            
35667 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Norm Storer         P9812



I've often tried having a bash                              
At writing that stuff, but alash,                           
I've not got a clue,                                        
So I'll leave it to Hugh                                    
To gain fame, recognition, and cash.                        
                                                            
35668 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Anon                     



So maybe it wasn't that late,                               
Since now I feel more like a mate!                          
Be thanked for your praise                                  
For the rhymes were a maze                                  
Through which I only just escaped.                          
                                                            
35669 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



The limerick's a verse, light and free;                     
Particularly attactive to me.                               
Its poetic vituperence,                                     
Creates such exuberance,                                    
That sometimes I just want to pee!"                         
                                                            
35670 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Frank Ward          P9309



Daily limericks keep Alzheimer's at bay;                    
Nimble neurons halt mental decay.                           
Skiers, readers and writers,                                
Blood kin, ankle biters --                                  
Keep your wits with some five line word play.               
                                                            
35671 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Esther Koch         P0302



The Limericks lived down the hall                           
With six strapping sons, we recall.                         
Neighbor gal laid each one;                                 
Don't bad mouth what she's done;                            
She loved limericks - Don't we all.                         
                                                            
35672 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Esther Koch         P0900



The poets who grace these fair pages,                       
Write lims which are oh-so contagious;                      
Some subtle, some rude,                                     
And some downright crude,                                   
I haven't laughed so much in ages!                          
                                                            
35673 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Andrew Walker            



Turning old jokes in to rhymes                              
Can be entertaining at times.                               
Puns into verses,                                           
And couplets from curses,                                   
Is more fun than eating limes.                              
                                                            
35674 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



At work or at school or at play,                            
Limericks brighten my day.                                  
Can't help but laugh                                        
At such marvelous craft;                                    
More fun than Haiku, I say.                                 
                                                            
35675 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Jim Weaver Collection    



But I am no chicken, not me.                                
I'll toss out some poems to see                             
If I can compete                                            
With you few elite,                                         
And my ditties be called poetry.                            
                                                            
35676 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Curt                     



The limerick, as you all can see,                           
Needs no aid from Hyperbole.                                
In form and in grace                                        
It takes the top place;                                     
To praise it is redundancy!                                 
                                                            
35677 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Jim Drew                 



There are many websites that implore us                     
To view what mostly will bore us.                           
But Partners-in-Rhyme                                       
Is simply sublime.                                          
All you need is a smile and thesaurus.                      
                                                            
35678 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Limerick Savant          



The wife of a young limericks writer                        
Said limericks would surely excite 'er.                     
Though 'twasn't the metre,                                  
But rather his peter                                        
That seemed to be what would delight 'er.                   
                                                            
35679 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Bob Birch                



A limerick can be read, said, or sung;                      
Entertain brain, trip off any tongue.                       
Often sex episodic                                          
And voyeur hypnotic;                                        
Preferred verse when coarse slang's being sung.             
                                                            
35680 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Esther Koch         P0304



You limerick smiths are all crazy;                          
You make my brain fuzzy and hazy.                           
If this keeps up I guess                                    
My whip will be at rest.                                    
And my slaves will be getting real lazy.                    
                                                            
35681 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



Limerickers constantly strive                               
To keep this pure art form alive.                           
We don't hold with free verse,                              
Because there is nothing worse,                             
Unless it's that rock and roll jive.                        
                                                            
35682 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Don Tidwell              



I've been hanging around here for a while,                  
And these limericks are making me smile,                    
But some people, it's true,                                 
Just haven't a clue,                                        
And getting the joke takes a while.                         
                                                            
35683 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



Like a limerick, a pun costs a dime,                        
Although it don't generally rhyme.                          
And when we immerse                                         
The pun in some verse,                                      
The ideas expressed seem sublime.                           
                                                            
35684 LIMS - USED - PRAISED                                   



Your rhyming is pretty damn good!                           
So welcome to our neighborhood.                             
Be it brilliant or lame,                                    
So long it's not tame,                                      
Or spamming, like anyone would!                             
                                                            
35685 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Arden                    



The springs sing a merry tune, when                         
Nellie lays turgid men now and then.                        
Springs creaking from poking                                
Prompt endless joking...                                    
The kind you find bounding herein...                        
                                                            
35686 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Grand Prix Lim  914      



It seems rhyming for you is no test;                        
You're always so quick with a jest.                         
I'd like to emote                                           
The rhymes that I wrote,                                    
But I fear that your worst is my best.                      
                                                            
35687 LIMS - USED - PRAISED          Curt                     



When perused I this verse...My God!                         
Use of **** so clever I'm awed.                             
Estimation so high.                                         
That I doth hereby                                          
Declare thee the Wizard Of Ogg                              
                                                            
35688 LIMS - USED - TRICKS                                    



There's ether here, there's ether there,                    
There's either ether there or here,                         
There's ether either here or hither,                        
There's ether either there or thither;                      
The ether here or there is sere.  (dried up)                
(uses seven letters only)                                   
35689 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Sam Goldstein       P8411



A cantor can rant at a cat,                                 
An actor can trot on a rat,                                 
A cannon can toot a tattoo                                  
To a rat or a cat or a roo,                                 
A cannon can rat-a-tat-tat!                                 
(uses six letter only)                                      
35690 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Sam Goldstein       P8411



I see as I sit at tea                                       
A stasis state at sea.                                      
I test, as I eat,                                           
A East Asia seat;                                           
I assess a siesta setee.                                    
                                                            
35691 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Arthur Deex         P8411



A tot at a too-too tea, O!                                  
Ate a tattoo, a teat, ate a toe,                            
A tot of tea, ate --                                        
To a 'T', tete-a tete --                                    
O tot! Tattoo, eat, toe, too, toto.                         
                                                            
35692 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Robin K. Willoughby P8412



A furtively fanatical female                                
Fried a flat furry fibrous fantail,                         
For feeding five flocks                                     
From farms forcing flintlocks                               
Forlornly forgetting force fails.                           
                                                            
35693 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Archie                   



The censor keeps letters you've missed --                   
He swaps one for each *.                                    
1 &                                                         
He puts 'tween the banned,                                  
Appending them onto a list.                                 
                                                            
35694 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           H WHELCHEL               



Oh damn, dere's a swip of duh pen.                          
I noticed when weading again,                               
On wine five I choked,                                      
As my pen qwickwy stwoked,                                  
'Stead of WE'D, it shoulda wed when.                        
                                                            
35695 LIMS - USED - TRICKS                                    



When my brain's in a state, catatonic,                      
,cinori etiuq mees seod yllaer tI                           
That I can write verse                                      
.esrever in sraeppa hcihW                                   
In lines that are boustrophedonic.                          
(boustrophedonic - as the ox plows)                         
35696 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Murphy                   



The use of a comma or bracket                               
Will put word or phrase in a packet,                        
But the comma, it's known,                                  
Can get by all alone,                                       
Where the bracket needs one more to back it.                
                                                            
35697 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2462



A limrick's writtn to plas,                                 
Lik a man on a flying trapz.                                
I rgrt that this sampl                                      
Sts no good xampl,                                          
But you may rdm it with as.                                 
                                                            
35698 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Lauarence Perrine   P9002



Atypical marks like the schwa,                              
Sound routine and somewhat bourgeois.                       
But here in this joint,                                     
!                                                           
Is nearly the word of the law!!!                            
                                                            
35699 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           H WHELCHEL               



When writing these verse of mine,                           
I start with a clever last line,                            
There work backwards from there                             
Toward the opening pair,                                    
With the hope it'll work out just fine.                     
                                                            
35700 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Jim Weaver Collection    



I find here a note of dissension,                           
Or merely a misapprehension.                                
This cunning device                                         
I employ once or twice,                                     
As a means of increasing the tension.                       
                                                            
35701 LIMS - USED - TRICKS                                    



Matilda I seem to recall                 MA~ I MEES         
Quotes bracketed commas as small,        "" [,,] as         
Less than two braces,                    < {}               
Unequal to spaces,                       !=                 
But greater than nothing at all.         BUT >              
                                                            
35702 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           PeterW                   



My son stood alone with head bowed.                         
On his thesis he pondered aloud:                            
"It's quite good, it's true,                                
But what can I do,                                          
To make it stand out from the crowd."                       
                                                            
35703 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Tiddy Ogg                



My answer, I'm sure you'll surmise,                         
He greeted with some great surprise:                        
"Compose it young Jim,                                      
In the form of a lim,                                       
You'll be sure to achieve a great prize."                   
                                                            
35704 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Tiddy Ogg                



'Midst the throng that is here 'twixt daybreaks,            
There are those here for cerebral sakes.                    
So four them (both of you)                                  
How can this be true:                                       
This limerick contains three mistakes?                      
                                                            
35705 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           John Miller              



Tap oon yoour keeybooards, doon't poound 'eem!              
Yoour fingeers shoould skip lightly aroound 'eem.           
Cause yoou just neeveer knoow                               
Wheere a vooweel might goo;                                 
As for yoours, I think I just foound 'eem.                  
                                                            
35706 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           MrMalo                   



I had the sam problm last wk,                               
Whn I took out my cock for a lak.                           
I wantd to p,                                               
But I just couldn't s,                                      
So I poopd and thn liftd th sat.                            
                                                            
35707 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Don Paul                 



This lim will attempt to affront                            
Or, at least, to ellicit a grunt;                           
So far it's no fun.                                         
Guess I should have begun --                                
There once was a girl with no c***.                         
                                                            
35708 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Brian Belge              



There once was a girl with no care,                         
Who followed the hounds and the hare.                       
The men never minded,                                       
For she, absent-minded,                                     
Would oft forget clothes and come bare.                     
                                                            
35709 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a girl with no c***,                         
Whose boyfriend once gave her a book.                       
He said, "Girl you will learn                               
My needs not to spurn,                                      
For otherwise, elsewhere I'll look."                        
                                                            
35710 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Murphy                   



Once there was a girl with no c***,                         
But unkempt hair now is the b***.                           
She rattled and teased;                                     
No one was displeased,                                      
But she still ended up in a tomb.                           
                                                            
35711 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Cyber Wizard             



There once was a girl with no c***,                         
To use when performing the st**                             
In a golfing event;                                         
Though her money was spent,                                 
She was forced from the match to depart.                    
                                                            
35712 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Hugh Clary               



There once was a girl with no t***                          
Who always makes use of the b***.                           
To get what she wants,                                      
She poses and flaunts                                       
And does it with absolute poise.                            
                                                            
35713 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Archie                   



There once was a girl with no c***                          
Whose love life just wasn't worth s***.                     
"There's no point in rubbin',                               
Without that pink nubbin.                                   
It makes me so mad I could spit!"                           
                                                            
35714 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Scott                    



There once was a girl with no c***;                         
Who said all her men were a j***,                           
With nothing to sniff                                       
And nothing that's stiff,                                   
Ain't one who could give her a poke.                        
                                                            
35715 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Marty                    



There once was a girl with no c***,                         
Who got her arm stuck in a f***.                            
Her beau took advantage,                                    
And somehow did manage                                      
To leave arm and buns black and blue.                       
                                                            
35716 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Observer                 



There once was a girl with no c***                          
Which left her with nothing to b***.                        
With naught in the oven                                     
And no chance for no lovin',                                
She fill in the void with a rake.                           
                                                            
35717 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Brian Belge              



There once was a man with no c***,                          
Tried fooling the girls with a st***                        
Of loot down his pants,                                     
But found no romance;                                       
All he got was a green itchy rash.                          
                                                            
35718 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Carol                    



There once was a girl with no c***,                         
So off to the bank she did d***;                            
She was asked by the teller                                 
A nosy you feller,                                          
"Don't you find robbing banks a bit rash?"                  
                                                            
35719 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Observer                 



She said, "It's just one of my skills;                      
I do it to get some cheap thrills.                          
And I need the money                                        
For partying, honey,                                        
And sometimes it covers the bills.                          
                                                            
35720 LIMS - USED - TRICKS           Observer                 



There once was a girl with no c***,                         
Who got her arm stuck in a f***,                            
Her beau took advantage,                                    
And somehow did manage                                      
To leave arm and buns black and blue!                       
                                                            
35721 LIMS - USED - TRICKS                                    



Once there was a girl with no c***                          
but unkempt hair now is the b***.                           
She ratted and teased,                                      
no one was displeased,                                      
but she still ended up in a tomb.                           
                                                            
35722 LIMS - USED - TRICKS                                    



There once was a girl with no t***                          
Who always makes use of the b***.                           
To get what she wants                                       
She poses and flaunts                                       
And does it with absolute poise.                            
                                                            
35723 LIMS - USED - TRICKS                                    



The 'Doctor Angellicus' dryness                             
Masked sometimes an impudent slyness,                       
As the Breviary shows                                       
Where its pages disclose                                    
A limerick by Thomas Aquinas.                               
                                                            
35724 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



The limericks which old Lear began                          
To write for the young Stanley Clan --                      
Were they actually done                                     
In innocent fun,                                            
Or was he a dirty old man?                                  
                                                            
35725 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



When they asked Edward Lear if he'd heard                   
Of the limerick, they say the old bird                      
Replied with a frown,                                       
"Except for the town,                                       
I've never encountered the word."                           
                                                            
35726 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



As Lear's verse was enough to impel                         
Some Victorian males to rebel,                              
A. C. Swinburne made grist with                             
Lays of Old Aberystwith                                     
And served limericks au naturel.                            
                                                            
35727 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



"A limerick, in my estimation,"                             
Said Swinburne, "deserves approbation,                      
If it can inspire                                           
An urgent desire                                            
For coitus or for masturbation."                            
                                                            
35728 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



Everything that he'd written, he carried                    
And interred with the woman he'd married.                   
But Rossetti, the pup,                                      
When he dug the things up,                                  
Should have left his bad limericks all buried.              
                                                            
35729 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A N Wilkins       P8505  



"Unfairness, injustice? You said it.                        
My best limerick -- you've probably read it,"               
Said A. Euwer. "It's noted,                                 
But now when it's quoted                                    
Woodrow Wilson gets all of the credit.                      
                                                            
35730 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



"Father Knox, are not limericks unfit                       
For a priest to compose?" "Not a bit!"                      
He'd reply to his foes,                                     
"What makes you suppose                                     
That the Lord is deficient in wit?"                         
                                                            
35731 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



Just as H. Langford Reed was all hot                        
To publish new limericks, the lot                           
All spotlessly clean,                                       
Norman Douglas was keen                                     
To spring others which clearly were not.                    
                                                            
35732 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



Norman Douglas, they said, was a vandal,                    
That his limericks were too gross to handle.                
Mussolini wept bitterly                                     
That he'd print them in Italy                               
And defile that pure land with the scandal.                 
                                                            
35733 LIMS - ZSERIES                 A. N. Wilkins       P8505



As poetry, they may be crass.                               
They may lack some breeding or class.                       
But how they endure!                                        
And you can be sure,                                        
They'll tell of a lad with a lass.                          
                                                            
35734 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Larry Davis         P8505



The good ones take effort and time.                         
Just wit keeps them out of the slime.                       
But most of the fun,                                        
Is how well you've done,                                    
Avoiding the obvious rhyme.                                 
                                                            
35735 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Larry Davis         P8505



Alt.jokes.limericks! I'm no longer alone:                   
Here's a humor that matches my own!                         
It's perverse and twisted                                   
With deft rhymes and hamfisted --                           
"The humor that dares not be known."                        
                                                            
35736 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



You've heard it proclaimed that the pun                     
Is the "lowest of low" -- barring none;                     
Not True! It's the verse                                    
Both witty and terse,                                       
Called limerick, that is the one.                           
                                                            
35737 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



The hostess considered it crass                             
When I lauded in rhyme her fine ass.                        
(But here are you folks                                     
With your own bawdy jokes,                                  
And you converse in verse en masse!)                        
                                                            
35738 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



The priest wouldn't hear my confession                      
When I limericked through my sin session.                   
(But A.J.L. will forgive                                    
My poor meter and give                                      
Me absolution for my obsession.)                            
                                                            
35739 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



So I slunk away deep in shame                               
And ne'er spoke aloud limerick's name.                      
But rhymes still I scribbled                                
On the wall while I dribbled                                
In private, unknown, without fame.                          
                                                            
35740 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



Mea Culpa: I agree it's not art,                            
What I scrawl on the wall while I fart,                     
But it should not be a crime                                
To be witty in rhyme                                        
And describe an old lech or young tart.                     
                                                            
35741 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



It would be nice to no longer scrawl                        
Merely on walls of the stall.                               
But post here the news                                      
(If you do not refuse),                                     
Wicked rhymes for reading by all.                           
                                                            
35742 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



Can I join this illustrious crowd?                          
Be at last where limericking's allowed?                     
I'll be very rude,                                          
Naughty and crude,                                          
And survive Spammers and critiques uncowed.                 
                                                            
35743 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Stephen Ross             



Enough of this x-rated stuff,                               
This talk of the pole and the muff.                         
I'm keeping it clean,                                       
Attempting to wean                                          
Myself off, and this ain't no bluff.                        
                                                            
35744 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



I bet you won't last one whole day,                         
Before x-rated stuff you will say.                          
It just ain't in the cards                                  
For us poets and bards,                                     
To not write about romps in the hay.                        
                                                            
35745 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Good Sir, I look to the sky,                                
To the Light and the Truth upon high.                       
My spirit needs more;                                       
To it sex is a bore;                                        
The pathway to Heaven is nigh.                              
                                                            
35746 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Now before you begin this damnation,                        
Let me offer this small consolation,                        
You really shouldn't mind,                                  
For where else could you find,                              
Such a fine and free sex education.                         
                                                            
35747 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



True, what is learned is without illustrations,             
And somee are sure wild fabrications,                       
But when studies are done,                                  
At Alt. Jokes Lims. 101,                                    
You'll be thankful for past participation.                  
                                                            
35748 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



A beggar who asked for some change                          
Was holding a bottle so strange ...                         
That I offered to trade                                     
A quarter quite frayed                                      
Before he could get out of range.                           
                                                            
35749 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



I had noticed a paper inside,                               
And after I secretly pried                                  
It out of its cache,                                        
I knew in a flash                                           
With others I'd have to confide.)                           
                                                            
35750 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



"I am posting this plea from the future                     
In the hopes you'll be able to suture                       
The lesion in time                                          
That stopped all the rhyme ... ",                           
Read the note I obtained from the moocher.                  
                                                            
35751 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



"This year is two thousand and ten                          
And it's now been a decade since when                       
The last lim'rick was written;                              
It seems they were smitten                                  
By lack of a suitable yen..."                               
                                                            
35752 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



I was thunderstruck, reading the verses:                    
There were none getting pussy in hearses?                   
No bucolic philanderers?                                    
No perverts or panderers?                                   
No double-entendre reverses?                                
                                                            
35753 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



The rest of the text was obliterated,                       
But I stayed for a while and deliberated                    
On the fate of the lim:                                     
Its future seems dim,                                       
Unless it is somehow invigorated!                           
                                                            
35754 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



"A limerick ain't just about rhyme!"                        
We've heard this now thyme after thyme:                     
It's five lines well planned,                               
So meter, when scanned,                                     
Avoids the appearance of chryme.                            
                                                            
35755 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



The RHYthm must BE anaPEST,                                 
With ACcented SYLlables STRESSED;                           
When THIS is not DONE                                       
No HEARTS will be WON,                                      
And WE will leave REALly dePRESSED.                         
                                                            
35756 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Lines ONE, two and FIVE have three FEET,                    
No MORE or no LESS makes them SWEET;                        
Lines THREE and four DO                                     
Have FEET of just TWO                                       
Which TAP out the TIME of the BEAT.                         
                                                            
35757 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



When RHYming with FEMinine ENDing,                          
The STRONG stress must LEAD the atTENDing                   
Last SYLlable SOUND                                         
Or IT will be FOUND                                         
To GRATE on the EARS -- quite ofFENDing!                    
                                                            
35758 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



A STRONG stress must NOT be emPLOYED                        
To  START off a LINE when it's TOYED;                       
One WEAK stress will DO,                                    
Or you MAY start with TWO:                                  
Any MORE and the SCANsion's deSTROYED.                      
                                                            
35759 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



ReMEMber to HEAR with your EAR!                             
Let ACcents in SYLlables SEAR                               
Your BRAIN with their STRESS                                
And SOUND to imPRESS...                                     
Then LIMericks RIGHT will apPEAR!                           
                                                            
35760 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



BeFORE we all TAKE a long LUNCH,                            
There's ONly one THING left to CRUNCH:                      
When WRITing line FIVE,                                     
For LAND'S sakes aLIVE,                                     
Please END with a KNEE-slappin' PUNCH!                      
                                                            
35761 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



A limerick group is more fun                                
When gals and guys post at least one                        
New verse night and day                                     
To beef up the play                                         
'Twixt muses who think on the run.                          
                                                            
35762 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Travis Brasell           



My muse only thinks on the squat;                           
And often he runs cold and hot.                             
He's a typical male --                                      
He tries not to fail,                                       
But sometimes he can't hit the spot.                        
                                                            
35763 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Ericka                   



We males, I'm quite sure, all agree                         
You've got a 'hot spot,' namely 'G,'                        
That quivers with wit,                                      
Whenever it's hit                                           
And counters with great repartee.                           
                                                            
35764 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Travis Brasell           



How kind of you, sir, to advance                            
Compliments to me, if by chance.                            
Are you using your tongue                                   
And those words, so well hung,                              
To try to get into my pants.                                
                                                            
35765 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Ericka                   



I will with verbosity chit                                  
And chat with you hoping that it                            
Will give me the chance                                     
To get in your pants --                                     
But hon, I don't think they will fit!                       
                                                            
35766 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Travis Brasell           



And my muse is female, I know                               
'Cause often she just doesn't show.                         
She's done it again;                                        
I started and then --                                       
Before I can come, she will go.                             
                                                            
35767 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Archie                   



This matter complex may perplex,                            
As confused as an Oedipus rex;                              
What you think is obscene,                                  
I choose not to demean,                                     
Though my sex is another man's vex.                         
                                                            
35768 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Joel D Ash               



Books and movies the uptight may scorn;                     
That will damage a mind these folks warn.                   
For a normal adult,                                         
This view is an insult,                                     
Because porn should not leave you forlorn.                  
                                                            
35769 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Joel D Ash               



I ignore all the puritan scolders,                          
With enjoyment of thigh, breast, and shoulders;             
Why should I exclude                                        
The sight of a nude;                                        
Art depends on the eye of beholders.                        
                                                            
35770 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Joel D Ash               



The perusal of scenes photographic,                         
So intense that they are pyrographic;                       
Smut or fine art?                                           
It depends on your heart.                                   
Some great artists were thought pornographic.               
                                                            
35771 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Joel D Ash               



Magazines with erotic in print,                             
With a clarity more that mere hint;                         
The Penthouse too hot?                                      
Broad-minded or not,                                        
The frontiers pushed by Larry Flint.                        
                                                            
35772 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Joel D Ash               



Good clean fun or a sick bailiwick?                         
"There once was a man" type limerick;                       
Clever rhymes bringing joy,                                 
A few gross ones -- oh boy!                                 
But you should have the freedom to pick.                    
                                                            
35773 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Joel D Ash               



May I have your kind attention;                             
It seems that I may cause some tension;                     
Please don't take offense                                   
(Or expect recompense!)                                     
From my posts, the main source of dissension.               
                                                            
35774 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



Over the years I've scored hundreds of kills;               
Jacks mostly but also some Jills.                           
If your post is lame,                                       
Rest assured a flame                                        
From Malo will improve your skills.                         
                                                            
35775 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



And please don't take my flames personal;                   
I'm merely just being conversonal,                          
And if you attack                                           
By flaming me back,                                         
Well Jesus, you don't have to curse and all!                
                                                            
35776 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



I've been here for years you know;                          
I've seen limerickers come and go.                          
I too've come and gone                                      
And I find upon                                             
My return a sex chat room show.                             
                                                            
35777 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



"Oh Sweetpee! My juices are flowing!"                       
"Oh lovebird! My pecker is growing!"                        
Well, Christ on a stick!                                    
You're making me sick!                                      
Try undernet's alt.40+ crowing.                             
                                                            
35778 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



And poetry classes, Good God!                               
I'm reading these, starting to nod!                         
You can take that pap                                       
To alt dot crap!                                            
Limericks? Not one in the wad.                              
                                                            
35779 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



Now if I went to alt.poetry,                                
And posted a limerick or three,                             
Those tight-assed snobs                                     
Would shit brass knobs                                      
To throw at an asshole like me.                             
                                                            
35780 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



And the spammers are ever-present;                          
For them I'm the most unpleasant.                           
I'll chew'em and spit'em                                    
Or eat'em and shit'em                                       
While stuffing their mom like a pheasant.                   
                                                            
35781 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



Now one may post as one pleases,                            
But some things just give me the wheezes.                   
You've a brain microscopic                                  
If you think you're on topic,                               
With poems on the birth of sweet Jesus.                     
                                                            
35782 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



Post limericks about big splotches                          
Of jism on young girls crotches.                            
Or two goats and a nun                                      
Having bestial fun,                                         
While Clinton (with halo) just watches.                     
                                                            
35783 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



So now my position's defended                               
And the whole fucking place is upended,                     
But before I go,                                            
I would just like to know,                                  
Is there anyone I haven't offended?                         
                                                            
35784 LIMS - ZSERIES                 MrMalo                   



There once was a development called Limerick,               
Where homes, when for sale, sold very quick.                
With its manicured grass,                                   
Subtle touches of class,                                    
If you passed on buying one, you must feel sick!            
                                                            
35785 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



They were built by a developer called Lidddicoat,           
Who, from Pierre du Pont Hayward got a note,                
To develop the land,                                        
That once belonged to his clan,                             
But to keep the appearance looking oh-so-remote.            
                                                            
35786 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Liddycoat built not one, but forty.                         
With identical trim, they looked sporty!                    
Keeping the look all the same,                              
The new neighborhood found fame,                            
Among the Morans, the Bakers and Dohertys.                  
                                                            
35787 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The Levitts' neighbors - the Burnses next door -            
Knew house-hunting could be a chore.                        
She liked the home from first bound,                        
He soon too came around,                                    
Dropping hopes for a house at the shore.                    
                                                            
35788 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Limerick homes are all custom inside.                       
Spacious hallways are airy and wide.                        
Master bedrooms?  There are two.                            
Fireplaces with flues.                                      
Are the bedrooms in front?  You decide.                     
                                                            
35789 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Prices of Limerick town houses are steep.                   
To live here isn't real cheap.                              
Acreage is oh-point-one-seven,                              
For a small slice of heaven.                                
If you can live here, you're on top of the heap.            
                                                            
35790 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A civic association?  Not around.                           
Still good will and friendship abound.                      
With Christmas parties each year,                           
And a fall fest, it's clear                                 
That complaints are a seldom heard sound.                   
                                                            
35791 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



They say more construction is slated,                       
But the plans are slightly belated.                         
Neighbors all seem to agree                                 
It will be a neat sight to see,                             
The entire development sated.                               
                                                            
35792 LIMS - ZSERIES                 Jim Weaver Collection    



You've been a great audience!  Wow!                         
Though lately I guess I'll allow                            
I've left somme of you sore                                 
For I've tried hard to gore                                 
Almost everyone's own sacred cow.                           
                                                            
35793 LIMS - ZSERIES                 John Miller 0365         



And I guess in a way I've been mean,                        
In this place where we love the obscene.                    
I have for a while                                          
Used a cynical style                                        
And kkekkpt all my shit squeaky clean.                      
                                                            
35794 LIMS - ZSERIES                 John Miller 0365         



A lack of good verse I bemoan                               
And my first visits here made me groan.                     
But I learned in software,                                  
Don't tear out your hair                                    
When yo can't get good stuff, write your own.               
                                                            
35795 LIMS - ZSERIES                 John Miller 0365         



This newsgroup once seem in a jamb;                         
Few newbies showed up worth a damn.                         
And postings were sparse                                    
So I got off my arse                                        
To try to help drown out the spam.                          
                                                            
35796 LIMS - ZSERIES                 John Miller 0365         



Now there's plenty of people in here                        
Spreading limericks and filth and good cheer.               
(Although lately it's chat                                  
That's most where it's at)                                  
Aand all spammers have left out of fear.                    
                                                            
35797 LIMS - ZSERIES                 John Miller 0365         



For a year now I've posted these verses;                    
I've been praised and received a few curses.                
And managed to hack it                                      
Despite the straight jacket                                 
And attendants and doctors and nurses.                      
                                                            
35798 LIMS - ZSERIES                 John Miller 0365         



Some lims have no consequence here,                         
While I wait for the weather to clear.                      
Inspiration I'll find                                       
If I empty my mind;                                         
That's the theory to which I adhere.                        
                                                            
35799 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



OK; as a theory it stinks,                                  
For my mind is like that of a sphinx;                       
It's inscrutably void.                                      
I'm not best overjoyed;                                     
I should concentrate harder, methinks.                      
                                                            
35800 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Much better than that, I can do,                            
So a coffee or tea I shall brew.                            
(Shuffles off to the kitchen                                
And presses the switch on                                   
The kettle then pops to the loo.)                           
                                                            
35801 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



That's better; an hour on the can!                          
(The result of my breakfast of bran.)                       
Now I'm sure I shall find                                   
With that weight off my mind,                               
That my lims go according to plan.                          
                                                            
35802 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



There was a young lady of France                            
Who would thwart all attempts at romance.                   
(For a reason I now                                         
Can't remember somehow                                      
For my mind has returned to its trance.)                    
                                                            
35803 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



OK now; I'm shutting my eyes.                               
(Sheesh it's dark - but it's worth a few tries.             
I see ripples of light.                                     
No; they're nipples all right                               
And Waahey!! I see bumcracks and thighs.)                   
                                                            
35804 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



(I see girls; I see cows; I see sheep;                      
I see visions of Little Bo Peep;                            
I see Little Miss Muffet;                                   
She's frigging her tuffet;                                  
Her fingers are digging in deep.)                           
                                                            
35805 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Oh dammit! I've just spilled my tea.                        
I've gone knocked it all over my knee                       
And my testicles too!                                       
(Races back to the loo;                                     
Checks them out for a moment or three.)                     
                                                            
35806 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Guess who I just met in the loo?                            
'Twas my neighbour next door name of Sue.                   
I was clutching my balls                                    
And with pain climbing walls,                               
When she calmly said, "How do you do?"                      
                                                            
35807 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



"I don't!" I said, wincing in pain.                         
"I shall never have nookie again."                          
"Don't be silly", said Sue,                                 
"In a moment or two                                         
All your bits will be righter than rain."                   
                                                            
35808 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



"Well thanks. But I'm puzzled, dear Sue,                    
As to why you are here in my loo."                          
"Well I needed a wee                                        
Little piddle", said she,                                   
"For it helps with my limericks too."                       
                                                            
35809 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



"You too?  At the end of your tether?"                      
Said I. "Now I'm wondering whether                          
You'd join me, dear Sue                                     
(In or out of the loo)                                      
Writing limerick verses together."                          
                                                            
35810 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



I think I should finish right here,                         
For my brain is now knackered, I fear.                      
Lovely Sue's gone away                                      
For the rest of the day;                                    
You may sigh with relief now or jeer.                       
                                                            
35811 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



My Muse has gone AWOL I fear;                               
I'm bereft of a single idea                                 
For a limerick verse.                                       
Can it get any worse?                                       
It just did. I just ran out of beer.                        
                                                            
35812 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Take yesterday, Tuesday. I spent                            
Half the day (well, the evening, I meant)                   
Writing garbage; but then                                   
At a quarter past ten                                       
I wrote "Was a young man from Tashkent".                    
                                                            
35813 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Inspired now, I wrote the next line                         
In excitement; a line just divine;                          
'Twas "Who's dick was so long                               
That it bent". I was wrong;                                 
After all I was rhyming just fine.                          
                                                            
35814 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



I stared at those words for a while                         
With a smug and self-satisfied smile;                       
Then I scribbled down "bucket"                              
"Nantucket" and "fuck it"                                   
And other things equally vile.                              
                                                            
35815 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Then horror of horrors! A thought                           
Struck my mind and it brought me up short.                  
"Oh my god; these are old                                   
And they're covered in mold",                               
I exclaimed feeling tired and distraught.                   
                                                            
35816 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



So now I just sit here and stare                            
At my screen. I'm in utter despair                          
For my mind is a blank                                      
And however I crank                                         
It I fear there's no limerick there.                        
                                                            
35817 LIMS - ZSERIES                                          



Sweet ladies, I hold you all dear,                          
And your goodness and honor revere.                         
If some limericks you read                                  
May offend, let me plead,                                   
I'm not as they make me appear.                             
                                                            
35818 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Warrick Elrod            



But to warn you, just let me say                            
Many limericks are often risque.                            
If they are not to your taste                               
You need no more time waste,                                
Grant me pardon, and be on your way.                        
                                                            
35819 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Warrick Elrod            



The limerick form is a cow                                  
For struggling poets (and how!)                             
Finding rhymes is a curse;                                  
The metre is worse;                                         
Anapestic feets don't fail me now!                          
                                                            
35820 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Since confession is good for the sole,                      
And I'd rather my clodhops stay whole.                      
I'll admit that I don't,                                    
Not to say that I won't,                                    
Salute if it's run up the pole.                             
                                                            
35821 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



These verses, one can but surmise,                          
Were not meant for clerical eyes.                           
Should the Bishop and Dean                                  
Find out what they mean,                                    
They ought to turn pink with surprise.                      
                                                            
35822 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             C Inge                   



And if, among Romish admirers,                              
They stimulate naughty desires,                             
Confess them, at least,                                     
To your neighbourhood priest,                               
For the price of ten Ave Marias.                            
                                                            
35823 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



When things are slow here at work,                          
I take a moment to give up my lurk-                         
in'. But by the time                                        
I think of a rhyme,                                         
My coworkers have made me beserk.                           
                                                            
35824 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



They interupt my noontime repast                            
and loads of dumb questions they ask                        
I hope one of these days                                    
The lottery pays                                            
And I can say, "Kiss my ass!"                               
                                                            
35825 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Should you question my authenticity,                        
I shall wither away in pudicity;                            
No intent of duplicity --                                   
I plead "infelicity" --                                     
I'm a victim of Jung's synchronicity!                       
                                                            
35826 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Kathleen A. Martin  P8312



It seems part of a "greater design"                         
That both Bennett and I should incline                      
To the same turn of phrase                                  
In identical ways;                                          
And to wit, if Cerf's first, what's my line?                
(What's My Line - popular TV show with Bennett Cerf, 1950's)
35827 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Kathleen A. Martin  P8312



Dr. Singer, that writer of humor,                           
Has called me a sly nom-de-plum-er;                         
But to think, or to claim,                                  
Bean is not my true name,                                   
Is the thought of a simple assumer.                         
                                                            
35828 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Cap'n Bean               



So I'll leave it to you to discover,                        
As around solid truth I will hover;                         
But my name wasn't missed -                                 
It was on Arthur's list;                                    
With some research, the facts you'll uncover.               
                                                            
35829 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Cap'n Bean               



Tomorrow in Carnegie Hall                                   
I'll have me one helluva ball,                              
Reciting on stage,                                          
Yes, page after page,                                       
My limericks I've done for y'all!                           
                                                            
35830 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Next week I will sit in the breeze,                         
Enjoying the shade of my trees,                             
And all of the cash                                         
I made from that bash,                                      
And what you've paid for my CDs.                            
                                                            
35831 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Some limericks you get are inept                            
And many's the time I have wept,                            
When time after time,                                       
The rhyme doesn't rhyme,                                    
And the simplest of rules are unkept.                       
                                                            
35832 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Peter Read          P9803



The problem with some is the feet,                          
And often the muddle's complete.                            
Folks don't seem to know                                    
That a limerick must flow.                                  
So I hope I have done that. Yours, Pete.                    
                                                            
35833 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Peter Read          P9803



Now I know that this limerick's awful,                      
Offensive, and even unlawful;                               
But if some of you hicks                                    
Would just write limericks,                                 
'Stead of bitching, I'd soon get my craw full.              
                                                            
35834 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Jim Weaver Collection    



As it is there is seldom a post,                            
To this newsgroup with even a ghost                         
Of a chance of assuaging                                    
My yearning and craving                                     
For the verse-form that I love the most.                    
                                                            
35835 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Jim Weaver Collection    



Have you all gone demented or what?                         
A limerick simply is not                                    
Authentic unless                                            
Every line, every stress,                                   
Every word's in its predestined spot.                       
(And make sure the rhyme scheme's red hot!)                 
35836 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brasell           



Dementia is not so mysterious;                              
It's found in folks when too serious.                       
A limerick joke                                             
Makes old fogies choke,                                     
And sometimes will drive them delerious.                    
                                                            
35837 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brasell           



To stand out, a limerick needs clarity,                     
And maybe some sleaze and vulgarity.                        
Five liner acclaim                                          
For dude rhymer or dame,                                    
Can be won by adding hilarity.                              
                                                            
35838 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Esther Koch         P0201



It engenders annoyance collective                           
And translates it into an invective                         
To which one may give vent                                  
Since we tend to resent                                     
Dealing with hearing which is selective.                    
                                                            
35839 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



As you surf through the Internet scene                      
And find many poems obscene,                                
The best limericks are naughty,                             
So don't be too haughty.                                    
'Tis not a great limerick when clean!                       
                                                            
35840 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             The Webster              



If you think that this makes me quite crass,                
Then most of these lines do bypass.                         
But for the rest of the lot,                                
The perverse is what's sought.                              
So I welcome you, laddie or lass!                           
                                                            
35841 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             The Webster              



As I lay in my bed on the flat o' me,                       
I was shocked at the sight of the fat o' me,                
So to keep my nerves steady                                 
I concocted and edi-                                        
ted this luminous, limerick anatomy.                        
                                                            
35842 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Anthony Euwer            



A limericker, Anthony Euwer,                                
Displeases the present reviewer.                            
No doubt there are worse                                    
Examples of verse,                                          
But I wish he had written far fewer.                        
                                                            
35843 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Harold C Bibby           



In the seventeen hundreds in Banff                          
You wrote s with a f; so the manfe                          
Waf a houfe, where to piff                                  
Waf regarded amiff,                                         
But leff fo than wetting your pantf.                        
                                                            
35844 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             John Reeves, Toronto  93b



An impatient young fellow of Banffg                         
Would appear to have anff in hif panff --                   
But 'twaf really a purge                                    
Of a fexual urge                                            
Through a kind of Ft Vituff Danff.                          
                                                            
35845 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Keith MacMillan       94a



Whilst vying to out-smut each other,                        
You've gone and disturbed our dear mother.                  
She came for a read,                                        
And left at full speed.                                     
Could you include "hard-core" on the cover?                 
                                                            
35846 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Kim&Sam                  



Do you think that mama doesn't know                         
What's what?  Well, it's only for show.                     
Mama thinks that you two                                    
Are both too young to                                       
Know that she knows what you know!                          
                                                            
35847 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Marlene Lewis            



I'm new to this neato NG;                                   
One thing remains unclear to me.                            
How long does it take                                       
For all you to make                                         
A limerick for the whole world to see?                      
(NG - news group on internet)                               
35848 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Silver                   



The answer to your question depends                         
On the effort one's willing to spend.                       
Sometimes I start                                           
And then lay a fart,                                        
And that is when my effort ends.                            
                                                            
35849 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Puff Aadder              



And what do you all use as fuel?                            
Will it help me ferment some mind-stool?                    
Is there a rule book                                        
At which I could look,                                      
To help me to pass a real jewel...                          
                                                            
35850 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



...To light up the heavens above,                           
Fitting tight as a fist in a glove.                         
Squeezing right to the tip                                  
To expel that last drip,                                    
From my root of life, laughter and love.                    
                                                            
35851 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Can you do me a lim not sexual?                             
One that is more intellectual.                              
Just straight rhyme and meter;                              
Once again, I repeat 'er.                                   
Your brain muscles all you should flexual.                  
                                                            
35852 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Arden                    



There once was a girl named Ramone,                         
Who bathed with a granite soapstone.                        
Not too good with dirt,                                     
But it sure didn't hurt,                                    
When she washed where the sun never shone.                  
                                                            
35853 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             MrMalo                   



Sex can be like a limerick;                                 
It's best when it's tight and it's slick.                   
When the end arises,                                        
It's often surprises;                                       
That makes the climax come quick.                           
                                                            
35854 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



But the meter's a bugger to master                          
Especially when nature says "faster".                       
In OUT in out IN                                            
Ain't the rhythm of sin,                                    
But a recipe made for disaster.                             
                                                            
35855 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Composing this verse reprehensible                          
And probably incomprehensible,                              
Caused anxious distress                                     
With my girl, I confess,                                    
For it used all the lead in my pencible.                    
                                                            
35856 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Now maybe your pencil is stressed.                          
Or maybe you're big in the breast.                          
Whatever the reason,                                        
Regardless of season,                                       
You must take a wonderous lead test.                        
                                                            
35857 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



A poet sending poems to you                                 
Should give credit where credit is due.                     
It's my sincere belief                                      
That the poets a thief                                      
For pretending his classics are new!                        
                                                            
35858 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Jim Weaver Collection    



He should try to create his own thought,                    
And not steal sosmeone else's plot.                         
He's surely no poet,                                        
But he doesn't know it.                                     
He pretends to be something he's not.                       
                                                            
35859 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Jim Weaver Collection    



When infected with limerick virus,                          
(A malady hardly desirous),                                 
You will find there's no cure,                              
And you'll have to endure                                   
Its symptoms till void of papyrus.                          
                                                            
35860 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brasell           



This virus may have no quick cure,                          
But it does have some uses, I'm sure.                       
By sheer accident,                                          
I let one ferment,                                          
And it made a great soil manure.                            
                                                            
35861 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brasell           



Despite what's been said about clean                        
Limericks, I just prefer the obscene;                       
For I can't get enough                                      
Of the loving and stuff                                     
And everything else in between.                             
                                                            
35862 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Peter Wilkins            



Clean lims are boring, no fun!                              
They look like the work of a nun.                           
Even if they have meter,                                    
Believe me friend Peter,                                    
Nothing beats a good dirty pun.                             
                                                            
35863 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Nikita                   



When I grow up I want to be                                 
A man with an earned PhD.                                   
And then I could write                                      
A limerick right,                                           
And sign it "Dr C-U-N-T."                                   
                                                            
35864 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brassell          



Or maybe I would be an owner                                
Of some office store and sell toner;                        
I'd hire me a clerk                                         
Then put her to work                                        
And pay her to tone up my boner.                            
                                                            
35865 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brassell          



To prove I'm not always obscene,                            
Here's a verse which is squeaky and clean.                  
It's as boring as shit,                                     
But it won't mention tit,                                   
For I think you can guess what I mean.                      
                                                            
35866 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Peter Wilkins            



You've noticed I've taken the cure                          
From Doc Petal, who's sweet and demure.                     
(But I'll just probe her tight                              
Little cunny tonight,                                       
After that, I'll be constantly pure.)                       
                                                            
35867 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Peter Wilkins            



A limerick that isn't obscene                               
Has a right to be written and seen.                         
The fauna and flora                                         
Are no match for Gomorrah,                                  
But for once, here's a poem that is clean.                  
                                                            
35868 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Laurence Perrine         



I read the last lim that you wrote,                         
And noticed it's Gomorrah you quote.                        
In our world which is modern                                
Many men prefer Sodom;                                      
For ladies, it quite gets their goat.                       
                                                            
35869 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Bob Mornington           



The limerick's a short form of verse                        
Whose addiction some folks think is a curse.                
Somewhere it is written                                     
That when you are smitten,                                  
There's nothing on earth can be worse.                      
                                                            
35870 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Don Tidwell              



They run through your head night and day,                   
Dictating at will what you say.                             
You write them all down,                                    
And then say with a frown,                                  
Why the hell am I acting this way.                          
                                                            
35871 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Don tidwell              



'Bout time I wrote novels, I think,                         
'Stead of lims from the gutter and sink;                    
So I'll start with this line ...                            
"'Twas a quarter past nine                                  
When the ..."  (Dammit, I've run out of                     
                                                            
35872 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Oh my, he has run out of drink!                             
I'll bring him back something that's pink,                  
Containing a cherry                                         
And sure to be very                                         
Refreshing when slurped at the sink.                        
                                                            
35873 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Two women who live in the West                              
Found nary a verse that expressed                           
The West as they knew it --                                 
With grit to get through it --                              
And decided to rise to the test.                            
                                                            
35874 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Now limericks must stick to the rules                       
And not merely wander like mules,                           
So here Jeane and Gwen                                      
Both wielded a pen,                                         
And lassoed these wild Western jewels.                      
                                                            
35875 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



That work is the curse of a lim                             
Writer's normal obsession with quim,                        
I can vouch for. Now what                                   
Is the purpose of twat?                                     
I forget for my memory's dim.                               
                                                            
35876 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



"The purpose of twat?" .. umm? .. that's strange,           
Is to take all my greenbacks and change;                    
And to keep lawyers hustling                                
In their damn schemes of rustling                           
Every thing I own -- house, stock and range!                
                                                            
35877 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Through the process of elimination,                         
I found cause for Big E's consternation.                    
The cause is, to wit,                                       
And to quote her, "I sit..."                                
That brought me a realization.                              
                                                            
35878 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



Takes thought to make a lim pleasin'                        
And springtime just ain't thinking season.                  
Just sitting won't work.                                    
Give your mind a good jerk,                                 
'Cause it only stands to reason.                            
                                                            
35879 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



I sit in continuous thought,                                
Combining the lines that are wrought,                       
From hours of thinking,                                     
(And copious drinking),                                     
So I don't do the work that I ought!                        
                                                            
35880 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



My lines are all simply mine,                               
I figure one theme at a time.                               
But sometimes a theme                                       
Pops out with a scream,                                     
And I have to just write that new rhyme                     
                                                            
35881 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



A doctor I really must seek,                                
For I find everytime that I speak,                          
I'm talking in rhyme                                        
Nearly all of the time.                                     
My friends think that I am a freak!                         
                                                            
35882 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Robert Hunt              



Don't worry about what your friends think.                  
They might think that you need a shrink.                    
Just hang out with us,                                      
No one makes a fuss,                                        
'Less your rhythm is way out of sync!                       
                                                            
35883 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Marlene                  



The technical books I have here                             
Are related to work and career;                             
But it's taking me ages                                     
To read all these pages,                                    
And learn this new garbage I fear.                          
                                                            
35884 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



It leaves me with so little time                            
To compose and post limerick rhyme.                         
Now my brain is stuffed full                                
Of work nonsense and bull-                                  
Shit. It sure is a terrible crime.                          
                                                            
35885 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2                                      



A salute to the ladies who post                             
To the news group that I love the most.                     
They bring a fresh slant                                    
That us gentlemen can't;                                    
To these ladies the following toast:                        
                                                            
35886 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             John Miller 0146         



To the girls who post her, three loud cheers!               
They are better by far than their peers.                    
And to those who would snicker                              
"But can they hold their liquor?"                           
I answer, "You bet--by the EARS!"                           
                                                            
35887 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             John Miller 0146a        



What you sent for this month was quite clean                
And I longed for some verses obscene;                       
Something filthy and crude,                                 
At best smutty, not rude,                                   
With subjects more sexy than mean.                          
                                                            
35888 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Bob Birch           P0800



Dear Bob, I know just what you mean.                        
But my writers are callow and green.                        
They haven't the wit                                        
To get past bum and tit,                                    
Robbing Peta to pay off Pauline.                            
                                                            
35889 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Arthur Deex         P0800



I prefer all my limericks clean,                            
But must I define what I mean?                              
Risque is all right                                         
If they're funny and bright,                                
But I know when I see what's obscene.                       
                                                            
35890 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Connie Jessen       P9102



I don't mind a double entendre,                             
But let me not dawdle or maunder.                           
I can't join your SIG                                       
Because it's too big                                        
On verses that I want to launder.                           
                                                            
35891 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Connie Jessen       P9102



Some limericks were once here begotten                      
By gals but it seems they've forgotten                      
Their rhymes and their wit,                                 
'Cause nothings been writ                                   
In ages, by them about twatten.                             
                                                            
35892 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brasell           



But don't be discouraged!  The day                          
Will come when you'll once again play;                      
However, sweet lass,                                        
Since you've amassed gas,                                   
I want to be quite far away.                                
                                                            
35893 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Travis Brasell           



I cannot write one fucking rhyme,                           
In a decent limerick time.                                  
What am I to do?;                                           
My brain's turned to goo.                                   
Just pass me a Corona with lime.                            
                                                            
35894 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Irish                    



If it comes down to which one to lose,                      
Limerickin' or drinkin'? No news.                           
I prayed to the muse,                                       
"Which one should I choose?"                                
She answered, "Don't give up the booze."                    
                                                            
35895 LIMS - ZSERIES - 2             Irish                    



We prove that we can, given time,                           
Write prose thoughts in rhythm and rhyme.                   
But a limerick needs more                                   
If it really will score,                                    
Humor or beauty sublime.                                    
                                                            
35896 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Fred Cohen          P8505



Now this treatise has neither you see;                      
It's bland as a poem can be.                                
But it does have five lines                                 
And the requisite rhymes,                                   
So it serves as example from me.                            
                                                            
35897 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Fred Cohen          P8505



But I do so enjoy when you write                            
Outrageous puns quite "out of sight".                       
So now, let's not shirk                                     
Turn out some fine work,                                    
And keep people happy and bright.                           
                                                            
35898 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Fred Cohen          P8505



The limerick's a passion of mine;                           
One that is less than divine.                               
The swing and the lilt                                      
With which they are built,                                  
All point to the ultimate line.                             
                                                            
35899 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Larry Davis         P8505



Five lines with a bite at the end;                          
For vocal transmission, my friend.                          
A pun or a jest,                                            
Obscene ones are best,                                      
With rhymes that you need not defend.                       
                                                            
35900 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Larry Davis         P8505



The meter and scansion must flow.                           
It's nice if they're words that you know.                   
But it doesn't hurt                                         
To use gyve and yurt,                                       
If it's not just done for the show.                         
                                                            
35901 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Larry Davis         P8505



Yes, Father, I know of the dangers                          
Of limericking whilst amongst strangers.                    
But just for this once,                                     
Let me be the dunce;                                        
Of newsgroup posts be the arrangers.                        
                                                            
35902 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



I know that that one makes no sense,                        
Forgive me for being so dense,                              
But limericks do                                            
Need a trickie or two;                                      
I hope that I give no offense.                              
                                                            
35903 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



There's something I wanted to say,                          
But I have been drinking all day.                           
Though limericks abound                                     
I know it must sound                                        
Like I should just plain go away!                           
                                                            
35904 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



I've become a bit disappointed                              
With limericks somewhat double-jointed.                     
'Cause try as I might,                                      
The scanning's not right;                                   
But fingers, from here, won't be pointed.                   
                                                            
35905 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Frank Fazed              



Some poets have master the style;                           
Producing sharp rhymes for a while.                         
But then extra words                                        
Just pile up like turds,                                    
Creating a big smelly pile.                                 
                                                            
35906 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Frank Fazed              



I'm looking, unable to see                                  
A touch of word economy.                                    
I beg, I implore...                                         
Less really is more.                                        
I'll ask, once again, is it me?                             
                                                            
35907 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Frank Fazed              



This morning I have in my yard stood                        
And pondered: "I'll write as a bard should                  
Throughout the whole weekend,                               
And hope I've not weakened                                  
My hands from the tug of my hardwood.                       
                                                            
35908 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



Besides, all those Washington flames                        
Have hobbled my log hauling aims;                           
The Northwest is burning                                    
And I am here yearning                                      
To frolick in limerick games.                               
                                                            
35909 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



So, here I am, long 'fore December                          
(I'd "see you then," if you remember)                       
To joust and harangue                                       
With all of this gang                                       
About what I do with my timber.                             
                                                            
35910 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



To this limerick rhyme I am addicted.                       
Like a crack-smoking whore I'm afflicted.                   
But if I don't relent,                                      
I won't make my rent.                                       
At the end of the month I'm evicted.                        
                                                            
35911 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



So where will I turn to then?                               
What happens when I'm starving and thin?                    
I'll just find a way,                                       
For my addiction to pay.                                    
Thus, continuing to rhyme with the pen.                     
                                                            
35912 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



It won't be so bad on the street.                           
So what, I'll have nothing to eat.                          
But I still can talk dirty,                                 
I'll be happy as a birdy;                                   
Writing limericks and beating my meat...                    
                                                            
35913 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



Maybe a verse here and there                                
Will occur to me out of thin air,                           
So I'll scribble it down                                    
While commuting to town,                                    
Though at work, I have no time to spare.                    
                                                            
35914 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Peter Wilkins            



I earn a living in London's old city;                       
I don't take the car, it's too shitty;                      
I travel by train.                                          
It seems less of a strain,                                  
But it's dirty and grimy and gritty.                        
                                                            
35915 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Peter Wilkins            



I'm sorry to have such a moan,                              
But I've sat here this week on my own,                      
Without dreaming up verses;                                 
I'm tired and the curse is                                  
I can't even get me a bone!                                 
                                                            
35916 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Peter Wilkins            



If you wonder why I don't indent,                           
Just consider the effort I've spent,                        
Since I did take the time,                                  
Finding words that would rhyme,                             
That explains where my energies went.                       
                                                            
35917 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Bob Birch           P9808



So who was the guy to invent                                
The rule saying I must indent.                              
And it does seem fair                                       
To be docked for an error                                   
On limericks I've already sent.                             
                                                            
35918 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Bob Birch           P9808



And who likes the capital letter,                           
I guess he must think they look better?                     
It would save me a stroke,                                  
Were it not for that bloke,                                 
And I'd just use those caps for the header.                 
                                                            
35919 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Bob Birch           P9808



This verse, for example, has naught                         
That you couldn't show your grandma; in short               
It's as dull as can be                                      
In this limerick sea,                                       
And expresses no serious thought.                           
                                                            
35920 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Jim Weaver Collection    



I guess I could comment on wars,                            
Or the carpets which lie on my floors,                      
Or the rain on the plain                                    
Which falls mainly in Spain,                                
Or the interesting subject of doors.                        
                                                            
35921 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Jim Weaver Collection    



Or trigometrical functions                                  
And planetary/solar conjunctions;                           
Or what about coffee                                        
Molasses and toffee,                                        
Or perfume and similar unctions?                            
                                                            
35922 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Jim Weaver Collection    



The question is moot, I suppose,                            
If the rhythm and meter still flows;                        
Why the name of the poop                                    
That's spread in this group                                 
Is "limerick", nobody knows.                                
                                                            
35923 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             John Miller              



A limerick is written more tightly                          
That those I've been reading, so lightly                    
Constructed and formless,                                   
By prats who are gormless!                                  
Admonished John Miller, contritely.                         
                                                            
35924 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Hugh Clary               



A limerick, when it's done airily,                          
Produces light humor, summarily,                            
Resulting in cluckles                                       
And knee-slapping chuckles!                                 
Retorted John Miller, Hugh Clarily.                         
                                                            
35925 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Travis Brasell           



So this is the end of Part One.                             
My friends, I have only begun                               
To speak of light verse,                                    
That will only get worse                                    
With each part. You'll be glad when I'm done.               
                                                            
35926 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             VOL 11                   



Thus endeth my limericks, Part Two.                         
What next, you may ask, will I do?                          
Perhaps something bawdy,                                    
Obscene or just naughty.                                    
Who knows. If I don't, how can you?                         
                                                            
35927 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             VOL 11                   



Part Three bring the most popular                           
Of limericks in print form so far.                          
I know that it's mean                                       
That they are not clean,                                    
But then, we're not coarse for the par.                     
                                                            
35928 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             VOL 11                   



The boys and girls of AJL                                   
Know what to do, and we're swell;                           
Expert and all                                              
With cock and balls,                                        
Titties and quims on the shell.                             
                                                            
35929 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



Here we have been known to peep                             
At bovines and even some sheep,                             
And "Lord luv a duck",                                      
With a little luck                                          
We'll cut off your cock when you sleep...                   
                                                            
35930 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



And shove it in far up your ass;                            
For good measure, pack it with glass.                       
Then plug your bung-hole                                    
With a big pole;                                            
So sorry, am I being crass?                                 
                                                            
35931 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3                                      



If you've a penchant for rhyme,                             
But half the words are out of time,                         
da Dah da da Dah                                            
Should be your man-tra --                                   
The time of your slime soon will chime.                     
                                                            
35932 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             H WHELCHEL               



If you're a lamer or cheater,                               
I beg you please, correct your meter.                       
Squish up the words --                                      
Smear them like turds --                                    
As long as the beater is neater.                            
                                                            
35933 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             H WHELCHEL               



Your time still is lame? -- Eat some bran;                  
Go sit for a day on the can.                                
And shit like you wrote --                                  
A few lines will float --                                   
Maybe that rare loaf will scan!                             
                                                            
35934 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             H WHELCHEL               



I'll not mention tits; I'll just suck 'em.                  
The other rude bits, I'll just fuck 'em.                    
You needn't be rude                                         
Writing limericks crude.                                    
Throw them at me, I'll just duck 'em.                       
                                                            
35935 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Archie                   



I'll let you suck, I don't mind,                            
As long as you're gentle and kind.                          
But as for my muff,                                         
It likes it quite rough,                                    
Expecially when done from behind.                           
                                                            
35936 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             JAYNE                    



But sweet Jayne, you can't be too crude,                    
Especially while you're being screwed!                      
Will you bark like a dog                                    
If I rut like a hog?                                        
(I insist we do it while nude.)                             
                                                            
35937 LIMS - ZSERIES - 3             Archie                   



Use three anapest feet, then align                          
Them in triplicate, ending at nine;                         
To the trimeters (rhymed)                                   
Add two dimeters (rhymed);                                  
Then combine, intertwine and refine.                        
                                                            
35938 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             R. J. Winkler       P8505



Iambics beginning a line,                                   
If anapests follow, are fine;                               
Embellish the text                                          
With dimiters next --                                       
Each trimeter, part of a trine.                             
                                                            
35939 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             R. J. Winkler       P8505



Two trimeters, rhyming, begin                               
The anecdotes limericks spin;                               
The dimeters (2)                                            
A trimeter too,                                             
Complete the narration therein.                             
                                                            
35940 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             R. J. Winkler       P8505



Hexamter here are askew,                                    
Pentameters likewise taboo;                                 
Iambics in place                                            
With trimeters grace,                                       
A mixture of anapests, too.                                 
                                                            
35941 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             R. J. Winkler       P8505



There once was a man who did xxxxx,                         
To a xxx who was naught but a xxxxx.                        
Three times in a xxx,                                       
The xxx tried to xxx,                                       
Till the xxx was still xxx in the xxxxx.                    
                                                            
35942 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             AA                       



Now this may sure take some lickin',                        
But a fowl fucking fellow named Fricken                     
Poked hen on the table,                                     
While young sister Mabel                                    
Was pickin' that chicken with dick in.                      
                                                            
35943 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             Travis Brasell           



But not as disgusting a sight                               
As Father O'Reilly's delight                                
At licking the drips                                        
Of old cheese from the lips                                 
Of his grandmother's pussy last night.                      
                                                            
35944 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             Tiddy Ogg                



But nothing's so nasty on Earth                             
As the mother with twins and some girth,                    
Who was double of joint                                     
And showed off this fine point                              
By licking her kids, after birth.                           
                                                            
35945 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             Brian Belge              



My limericks are only suggestive.                           
I find the porn ones indigestive. (I know, I know)          
In verse about farts                                        
Or one's private parts,                                     
There's not much to think of as festive.                    
                                                            
35946 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             Bill Taylor         P9911



When "bawdy" is all one can write                           
And thinks that such stuff is all right,                    
And all of his words                                        
Are appealing as turds,                                     
It's certain he can't be too bright.                        
                                                            
35947 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             Bill Taylor         P9911



Why must limericks be so disgusting?                        
I'll campaign for porn limerick "busting".                  
Let's clean up the verse                                    
Before it gets worse,                                       
And gets so hot it starts combusting.                       
                                                            
35948 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             Bill Taylor         P9911



I hate limericks that are dirty.                            
I want all of them to be purty.    (I know, I know)         
Four letter word writing                                    
Just ain't exciting                                         
To us way, way, way over thirty.                            
                                                            
35949 LIMS - ZSERIES - 4             Bill Taylor         P9911



If ever you get to Tangier                                  
You might have a problem, I hear:                           
Don't seem to be nosy                                       
Or try to be cozy;                                          
It's safer to peer and to leer.                             
                                                            
35950 LOCATION - AFRICA              Philo Logue         P8407



I said to a girl from Virginia,                             
"Virginia, I yearn to get in ya';                           
But if your vagina                                          
You guard like rare China,                                  
I can only respond 'Abyssina.'"                             
                                                            
35951 LOCATION - AFRICA              Lance Payne         P8805



Said a much-traveled wench from Virginia,                   
"Who cares about far Abyssinia?                             
And if even Selassie           (Should an African Horner)   
Should make you his lassie,    (Back you into a corner)     
It still would depend on what's in ya."                     
                                                            
35952 LOCATION - AFRICA              Conrad Aiken             



To bring food to the African hordes,                        
Left to die by their fighting warlords,                     
Is a neighborly thing                                       
But it never will bring                                     
And end to the bullets and swords.                          
                                                            
35953 LOCATION - AFRICA              Jim Weaver Collection    



With a Moor, you can never be sure                          
An 'affaire de la coeur' will endure.                       
One day he will swear,                                      
"I must leave, 'C'est la guerre'!"                          
And the next day, it's 'Toujours l'amore.'"                 
                                                            
35954 LOCATION - AFRICA              Laurence Perrine    P8407



Amenpenkhohetank reports                                    
From one of the Nile's famed resorts,                       
"The weight of small crows                                  
Broke of statue's nose:                                     
Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz!"                     
                                                            
35955 LOCATION - AFRICA              Townmouse                



I've just been informed by young Ali                        
That Egypt is no place to dally.                            
That lap-dancing's banned                                   
In the sun and the sand,                                    
And that camels are not very pally.                         
                                                            
35956 LOCATION - AFRICA              Peter Wilkins            



In Sudan, now starvation is plain,                          
But this hunger is fed by no rain.                          
The cause of this plight                                    
Is a power-mad fight                                        
For the right to then rule the remains.                     
                                                            
35957 LOCATION - AFRICA              Knotweed                 



There once was a sucker named Cyrus,                        
Who paid a fortune for the "Holy Grail" papyrus.            
He employed an Egyptian                                     
To translate the inscription:                               
"When the pyramids are finished, please wire us."           
                                                            
35958 LOCATION - AFRICA              FCA                 T9712



In Egypt a man lived in style                               
In a house on a large lush green isle.                      
A bad pyramid scheme                                        
Caused the end of his dream;                                
From then on he lived in denial.                            
                                                            
35959 LOCATION - AFRICA              Tom Patton          P0007



Egyptian Princesses desirous                                
Said: "Boys, if you want to admire us,                      
We'll send you in bags,                                     
Pornographic-type mags,                                     
Made of jism-proof sheets of papyrus."                      
                                                            
35960 LOCATION - AFRICA              Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man from the jungle                       
Who had a very talented toungle.                            
He thrilled fore and aft                                    
With tongue and with shaft                                  
Because he was very well hungle.                            
                                                            
35961 LOCATION - AFRICA              Marlene Lewis            



I found that inside the Nile Delta,                         
The tents are now made all of felta.                        
They dry in the heat                                        
And don't smell of meat,                                    
Like old and uncured camel pelta.                           
                                                            
35962 LOCATION - AFRICA              Archie                   



But there on that same Nilish Delta,                        
The girls have a dress with a belta.                        
They wont take it off,                                      
For ary a boff,                                             
Until your whole willy they've felta.                       
                                                            
35963 LOCATION - AFRICA              Archie                   



There's a fellow call Ob in Nigeria,                        
Whose gob is distinctly superior.                           
Which is rather good luck                                   
For his brain's full of muck                                
Of a kind that is distinctly inferior.                      
                                                            
35964 LOCATION - AFRICA              Alexander Baron          



In Africa, don't go to Ghana,                               
But do take a hot, pleasant sauna;                          
A black girl by your side,                                  
Her thighs apartheid,                                       
Down in beautiful Bophuthetswana.                           
                                                            
35965 LOCATION - AFRICA              Ed Wolfert          P8308



In Morocco there's the town of Rabat;                       
I know - it doesn't seem weird at                           
All, but translated                                         
To Danish (I ate it)                                        
It means 'discount', now how about that?!                   
                                                            
35966 LOCATION - AFRICA                                       



The Ambu tribe has a fine spear.                            
It's something the natives revere.                          
It's the main Ambu lance                                    
In the medicine dance,                                      
And it's worth a side trip to Zaire.                        
                                                            
35967 LOCATION - AFRICA              Al Willis          TP9804



Al's daughter, Sierra Capone,                               
Giggled constantly while on the phone,                      
With a boy named Bart,                                      
But if he was smart,                                        
He'd leave young Sierra Leone.                              
                                                            
35968 LOCATION - AFRICA                                       



A stranger who stopped in Tabriz                            
Heard women were eager to please;                           
Although they seemed willing                                
They flunked all the billing                                
For all they would do was to tease.                         
                                                            
35969 LOCATION - AFRICA              Philo Logue         P8407



A tourist who stopped in Tangier                            
And bedded down with the fat old Emir,                      
Failed to see the town's sights.                            
She said, "Ali's delights                                   
Beat all the dam sights they have here!"                    
                                                            
35970 LOCATION - AFRICA              Grand Prix Lim  922 G0679



"On vacation we saw Timbucktoo,"                            
He told a friend over a brew.                               
The guy asked him, "Where's that?"                          
"I don't know where it's at.                                
My wife chose it," he said, "and we flew."                  
                                                            
35971 LOCATION - AFRICA              A. N. Wilkins       P8709



There was a young lady (Egyptian)                           
Who merits a word of description:                           
"Cat-head-owl"; (heiroglyphic                               
Translated "Terrific"                                       
As found in a Memphis inscription.)                         
                                                            
35972 LOCATION - AFRICA              Pighooey                 



There once was an ancient Egyptian                          
Who wrote limericks by way of encryption.                   
According to critics,                                       
He used hieroglyphics,                                      
And signed them with Tutank's inscription!                  
                                                            
35973 LOCATION - AFRICA              Rick Limer          T9712



Pardon me if I sound a bit rude                             
But the African problem's not food.                         
The facts folks ignore                                      
Is the place is at war!                                     
Bags of grain will not mellow the mood.                     
                                                            
35974 LOCATION - AFRICA              Jim Weaver Collection    



A man from Bllomfontein--a Boer--                           
Was awfully hard to ignore.                                 
He'd see you and shout,                                     
"Let's have a meal out!"                                    
Unless you were colored or poor.                            
                                                            
35975 LOCATION - AFRICA              Michael Palin            



A new guide on jungle safari                                
Got lost and then said that he's sorry.                     
The porters revolted;                                       
That's when they all bolted,                                
Shouting, "Bwana, where the fuck are we?"                   
                                                            
35976 LOCATION - AFRICA              Tom Patton               



While swimming across the Zambezi,                          
A croc met St Francis of Assisi.                            
Said Frank "From my hand,                                   
You may eat.  Understand?"                                  
Now he wishes he spoke Crocidisi.                           
                                                            
35977 LOCATION - AFRICA              Prof M-G                 



While swimming across the Zambezi,                          
"Hi-ho!" seven dwarfs crocs sang easy.                      
"We're Bashful the croc,                                    
Joined by Dopey and Doc,                                    
Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, and Sneezy!                          
                                                            
35978 LOCATION - AFRICA              Anon                     



They say that the girls of Zambezi                          
Are beautiful, cheerful, and easy.                          
Well I'm warning you now                                    
It will cost you a cow                                      
For an easy Zambezi ain't free, see?                        
                                                            
35979 LOCATION - AFRICA              John E Maywood           



Breathing in Bangkok is chancy;                             
It's safer to try necromancy.                               
To do outdoor tasks,                                        
You need good gas masks,                                    
Unless it is asthma you fancy.                              
                                                            
35980 LOCATION - ASIA                Timothy Torkildson       



The beggars of Bangkok refuse                               
To leave my smug lifestyle asnooze.                         
Wherever I turn                                             
With money to burn,                                         
They're lined up in unholy queues.                          
                                                            
35981 LOCATION - ASIA                Timothy Torkildson       



The air in Bangkok is noxious;                              
Enough to make you uncoxious.                               
When you inhale,                                            
Your lungs turn to Braille                                  
And start to leak fluid that's toxious.                     
                                                            
35982 LOCATION - ASIA                Timothy Torkildson       



When in India once, bless my soul,                          
I went forth on a sightseeing stroll                        
And was tempted to utta'                                    
"Since this is Calcutta,                                    
Whereabouts 'round here is the Black Hole?"                 
                                                            
35983 LOCATION - ASIA                Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



Just as if there was not a tomorrow                         
I would risk a flight to Bora Bora;                         
Traveling with the estranged,                               
The bizarre and deranged,                                   
Rather than journey through Tora Bora.                      
                                                            
35984 LOCATION - ASIA                Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



Bora Bora!  Coral reefs and sea waves!                      
So I called "Cut-Rate-Travels-by-Dave's."                   
But Dave misunderstood --                                   
How did I know I would                                      
Spend two weeks in Ben Al's Four-Star Caves?                
                                                            
35985 LOCATION - ASIA                William Nesbit      P0202



A travel agent name of Cora                                 
Took my order for Bora Bora.                                
I was highly insensed                                       
Ending up in those tents                                    
In Afghanistan's Tora Bora.                                 
                                                            
35986 LOCATION - ASIA                Tom Patton          P0202



A Yankee who'd been to Cambodia                             
Gave lectures from various podia.                           
He said, "Over there,                                       
If your skin is too fair                                    
A lot of them won't say Hellodia!"                          
                                                            
35987 LOCATION - ASIA                John Mayood         P0206



Are you looking for boozing and ho-ing?                     
Bangladesh is where pleasure is flowing.                    
With Moslem gals, treats                                    
Occur under their sheets;                                   
You won't care if you're coming or going.                   
                                                            
35988 LOCATION - ASIA                Arthur Deex         P9702



The streets of Bombay and New Delhi                         
Are terribly crowded and smelly.                            
While down in Calcutta                                      
They sleep in the gutta;                                    
I know 'cause I seen it on telly.                           
                                                            
35989 LOCATION - ASIA                John Dole           P9612



In Hong Kong the merchants pursue us                        
With beautiful objects to woo us,                           
Such as ivory and jade                                      
And some things that were made                              
In a factory outside of St. Louis.                          
                                                            
35990 LOCATION - ASIA                Doctor              P9109



There was a young fellow named Si                           
Who said, "Western maidens, good-bye.                       
I will chase Orientals                                      
For their lewd incidentals."                                
And his chase ended up in a Thai.                           
                                                            
35991 LOCATION - ASIA                Isaac Asimov             



For the fifty-odd years since partition,                    
India-Pakistan head to perdition.                           
They'll accelerate                                          
And crash through the gate,                                 
In a big glow of nuclear fission.                           
                                                            
35992 LOCATION - ASIA                Dr Limerick  05-30-02    



In Seoul live an Antipodean,                                
Who drank like a common plebian;                            
Reformed, he now dances                                     
To envious glances:                                         
Not tipsy but terpsi-Korean.                                
                                                            
35993 LOCATION - ASIA                Armand E Singer       685



Said the head Lama of Katmandu:                             
"These American kids never screw.                           
They drop out on hash,                                      
And are useless for gash--                                  
This is strictly between me and you."                       
                                                            
35994 LOCATION - ASIA                                    G1122



In days past, Mongolian hordes                              
Would westwards rush, ravishing broads.                     
With Genghis, the genius                                    
Who proved that the penius                                  
Is mightier, far, than the sword.                           
                                                            
35995 LOCATION - ASIA                Tiddy Ogg                



A well endowed man from Nepal,                              
Won first prize at a masquerade ball,                       
By draping his lingam,                                      
In lengths of white gingham,                                
As a spire on the great Taj Mahal.                          
                                                            
35996 LOCATION - ASIA                Bob Giandomenico         



I'm living on lat thirty two                                
West gazing and looking for you.                            
The Indian Ocean                                            
Gives me a new notion -                                     
Nude girls on the beach take my view.                       
                                                            
35997 LOCATION - ASIA                                         



There was a young man from Kashmir                          
Who shouted one day, "Over here!"                           
But from so far away                                        
That he's still there today,                                
And will be forever, I fear.                                
                                                            
35998 LOCATION - ASIA                Michael Palin            



The spermatozoa that Sam                                    
Injected in girls in Siam                                   
Got 900 with child                                          
Which made them so wild,                                    
Sam departed Siam on the lam.                               
                                                            
35999 LOCATION - ASIA                Grand Prix Lim  203      



A diplomat in Singapore                                     
Was promoted to ambassador.                                 
He held his nose high,                                      
So it tickeled the sky,                                     
But on earth he was simply a bore.                          
                                                            
36000 LOCATION - ASIA                Warrick Elrod            



A sailor who hailed from Sri Lanka                          
Was first mate on a giant oil tanker.                       
He thought it a bore                                        
To go screwing ashore,                                      
So he stayed on the ship.  What a wanker!                   
                                                            
36001 LOCATION - ASIA                CeeJay                   



Halliburton, to whom risks were cool,                       
Once swam laps in the Taj Mahal pool.                       
Later he would surmise                                      
His last stunt was unwise.                                  
He discovered the ocean was cruel.                          
                                                            
36002 LOCATION - ASIA                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9702



In Thailand the wearing of socks                            
Is considered to be orthodox.                               
But shoes in this clime                                     
Are surely a crime.                                         
Does anyone want some Reeboks?                              
                                                            
36003 LOCATION - ASIA                Timothy Torkildson       



If ever you're praising Seoul,                              
Say, "Ah"--then a pause-- and then "soul."                  
If you do not pause,                                        
(Among their strict laws)                                   
The judge: "Thirty days, you ahsss hole."                   
                                                            
36004 LOCATION - ASIA                Irving Superior     P9301



I asked Mr. Nguyen to explain                               
How, in legal matters, he ever made claim,                  
For in his homeland,                                        
Which we call Vietnam,                                      
Everyone's last name is the same.                           
                                                            
36005 LOCATION - ASIA                Anom                     



And their first names are hard to forget,                   
For one syllable is as big as they get.                     
It's something like Gam,                                    
Dem, Yen or Van;                                            
Any three letter word's a safe bet.                         
                                                            
36006 LOCATION - ASIA                Anom                     



Mr Nguyen had to concede                                    
That his last name was quite common, indeed.                
There, you must be wary                                     
Of whom you're to marry,                                    
Or you just might interbreed.                               
                                                            
36007 LOCATION - ASIA                Tiddy Ogg                



Now President Jiang's heard some fumin'                     
On how he's ignoring rights human.                          
Will he fess that he's wrong?                               
Not while trade is so strong,                               
That folk's rights don't affect market boomin'!             
                                                            
36008 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Prof M-G            T9711



I went off to China last summer;                            
The telephone system's a bummer.                            
I picked up the thing,                                      
To ring Mr Wing;                                            
Alas though, I wang the Wong number.                        
                                                            
36009 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young man from Beijing;                         
Claimed he could make the Fat Lady sing.                    
He wafted his wand                                          
Down deep in  her frond,                                    
And unleashed a sizeable spring!                            
                                                            
36010 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Lo and Behold       T9707



Said my brother who went to Beijing,                        
"It's impressive and quite amazing,                         
With no trouble at all,                                     
I climbed onto the Wall                                     
And then jogged the full length of the thing.               
                                                            
36011 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9702



The Great Wall of Chgina took years                         
To build, and involved miles of tears:                      
Oh God how they died                                        
To raise up its height,                                     
Just hoisting the bricks past their ears.                   
                                                            
36012 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



Slave labor and sweat makes for miles                       
Of ramparts of rocky stone tiles,                           
And it keeps on going,                                      
Like a river that's flowing,                                
Thought parts of it now are just piles.                     
                                                            
36013 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



How wide was the wall in most places?                       
Aside from odd arches and faces,                            
Four men could stand there,                                 
Breathe easy and fair,                                      
And walk to each side in ten paces.                         
                                                            
36014 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



It's on the Mongolian edge,                                 
Much better than a holly-thorned hedge.                     
Shih-Wang thought it up,                                    
From the leaves in his cup,                                 
And later, when watering his ditch:                         
                                                            
36015 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



"For as water descends, rocks shall rise,                   
And so shall a wall of great size,                          
With boulders and rocks                                     
And stone-building blocks,                                  
And slaves who are used as though flies."                   
                                                            
36016 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



It runs East and West in direction,                         
But zigzags at times, in correction,                        
And blocks off the path                                     
Of nomads en masse,                                         
For whom they desired some protection.                      
                                                            
36017 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



Though nowadays, crossing odd states,                       
Ascending four moutainous grades,                           
It once closed off plains                                   
Of horsemen with reins,                                     
Fierce Mongols in horse leather suedes.                     
                                                            
36018 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



A wall of this size and expense,                            
Might well have made lots of good sense,                    
Persuading invaders                                         
And horse-riding raiders,                                   
To stay on their side of the fence.                         
                                                            
36019 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



But also, it served to impress,                             
Under point of sharp spear, or duress,                      
A million or more                                           
To work until sore,                                         
And die as though pawns, as in chess.                       
                                                            
36020 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Matthew Montchalin       



How well I remember Hong Kong;                              
It reminds me of that old sweet song,                       
That I heard in a disco                                     
About San Francisco...                                      
Hang on -- I thing I've got that wrong.                     
                                                            
36021 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Bill Wall                



The people who live in Hong Kong                            
Must all learn to sing a new song.                          
Will the ones who won't sing                                
Disappear from the ring?                                    
I guess we'll all know before long.                         
                                                            
36022 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Jim Weaver Collection    



Michael Jackson stopped off at Hong Kong,                   
And performed the new national song.                        
He grabbed at his crotch,                                   
And looked at his watch,                                    
Saying, "Sorry guys, this is 'So Long'."                    
                                                            
36023 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Arthur Deex         P9709



Having met at a ball in Hong Kong,                          
A chap wed a girl called Ping Pong.                         
Her mother, Ping Pat,                                       
Was such an old bat,                                        
The marriage went horribly wrong.                           
                                                            
36024 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Funfax Limericks         



In China the smartest of sages                              
Knows where to buy things with their wages.                 
At the nearest hotel,                                       
Ring the bell captains bell,                                
And then look for the yellow pages.                         
                                                            
36025 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Tom Patton          P0209



Three Chinese, Fu, Bu and Chu,                              
Had names that just wouldn't do.                            
Bu became Buck,                                             
Chu became Chuck,                                           
And Fu just returned to Kiangsu.                            
                                                            
36026 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        TuttaGioia               



A lama of Outer Mongolia                                    
Was seized by acute melancholia;                            
When the Chinese asked why,                                 
He could only reply:                                        
"You'd chop off my head if I tolia."                        
                                                            
36027 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Ogden Nash               



A terrible blight is this SARS;                             
It kills old folks, kids, and their Ma's.                   
Hong Kong's in the thick,                                   
But the Chinks aren't as sick                               
As the vectors of filth in "gay" bars.                      
                                                            
36028 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Alexander Baron          



When you travel to Shanghai may you                         
Find a blend of the old and the new.                        
You'll see few folks rotund                                 
As you stroll down the Bund;                                
(That's the sea wall that fronts the Wangpoo.)              
                                                            
36029 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9702



Three daughters of Mandarin Tu,                             
First virgins that I ever knew,                             
Were a curious lot                                          
Who tempted me not                                          
As much as their dowery to woo.                             
                                                            
36030 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        E. J. Quinby        P8902



This Mandarin made a proposal;                              
He put his brood at my disposal.                            
"You take Tu Yung Tu,                                       
Or perhaps Tu Dum Tu,                                       
Or try Noh Yen Tu on approval."                             
(found in the Society of Wireless Pioneers Newsletter)      
36031 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        E. J. Quinby        P8902



Despite all the lures of Cathay,                            
I elected to hurry away,                                    
And hide aboard Ida,                                        
So on the next tide, a-                                     
Way down the coast to Malay.                                
(served aboard the Ida in the early days of 'Spark')        
36032 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        E. J. Quinby        P8902



The people of Tibet shout and cheer.                        
"The Chinese military are here.                             
We'll sell them our yaks                                    
For Chinese Greenbacks.                                     
In each case, they get a bum steer."                        
                                                            
36033 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Thomas M. Patton    P9712



The Chinese defensive deployment                            
Brought Tibet the greatest enjoyment.                       
Males, from minors to gramps                                
In concentration camps,                                     
Solved the problem of unemployment.                         
                                                            
36034 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Thomas M. Patton    P9712



A nephew of old Abe Vigoda                                  
Lived in a Chinese pagoda,                                  
Till a tyrant named Mao                                     
Said, "I live here now,                                     
And you, sir, have no home to-go-ta."                       
                                                            
36035 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        Keith Gilman        P0112



That in China what once was immutable                       
Has changed, is no longer disputable.                       
Though your male Asiatic                                    
May remain enigmatic,                                       
The women are not all inscrutable.                          
                                                            
36036 LOCATION - ASIA - CHINA        A. N. Wilkins       P9212



A Japanese pilot gained fame                                
As the last Kamikaze, a claim                               
Few historians doubt,                                       
For they note that the lout                                 
Was one Chicken Suzuki by name.                             
                                                            
36037 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        A N Wilkins         P9206



The geisha has one little jest:                             
As soon as you've got her undressed,                        
You'll find when her mouth                                  
Is aimed at the south,                                      
Her pussy is facing due west.                               
                                                            
36038 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Norm Storer         P9212



Geisha girls in the clubs in Tokyo                          
Are dressed up but have nowhere to go.                      
The exchange of the dollar                                  
Makes all tourists holler;                                  
When girls ask, they're politely told no.                   
                                                            
36039 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Arthur Pattaffy          



A miser who went to Japan                                   
Tried to save up some yen in a can.                         
You never can say                                           
What you may have to pay,                                   
When a geisha starts waving her fan.                        
                                                            
36040 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN                                 



Before its modern age had begun,                            
In Japan, land of the Rising Sun,                           
Not one soul could surpass                                  
Those wee folk, who en masse                                
Were well know as the sawed off Shogun.                     
                                                            
36041 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9803



There was a gaigin in Japan,                                
A stranger in a strange land.                               
She couldn't get laid                                       
'Cause she just wasn't swayed                               
By men only as tall as her hand.                            
(gaigin - foreigner)                                        
36042 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Leslie Melcer            



While scanning through E-mail's crude dirt,                 
I saw Leslie's cruel verse and was hurt.                    
At five foot two,                                           
What else can I do                                          
But hope for another growth spurt.                          
                                                            
36043 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Kohta Ueno               



In Japan, now the voice of the voter rings,                 
And its message there needs no decodering,                  
For both women and men                                      
Have a yen for more yen,                                    
And have sent there PM Hashimotorings.                      
                                                            
36044 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Knotweed                 



She answered the phone. Saints Preserve Us!                 
I heard her say, "Morny, tune sore-bees."                   
This Japanese doll                                          
With my wakeup call.                                        
She really meant "Morning, room service."                   
                                                            
36045 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Al Willis           P9802



A Nippophile tourist named Howell                           
Watched Japanese men disembowel                             
Themselves with a sword,                                    
They couldn't afford,                                       
And mop up the slop with a towel.                           
                                                            
36046 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Armand E Singer       502



Kyoto Accord, at a guess,                                   
Had 180 say, "Yes."                                         
Who was it said "No,"                                       
George Dubya, you know,                                     
Caused everyone else some distress.                         
                                                            
36047 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Tony Burrell             



He need a good kick in the ass,                             
To help to reduce greenhouse gas.                           
We ain't yet choking                                        
But you're still smoking.                                   
Ain't seen the light yet, alas.                             
                                                            
36048 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Tony Burrell             



Not caring what other guys think,                           
He'll carry on 'til everywhere stinks.                      
Saying, "It don't matter,                                   
We're all getting fatter;                                   
My Daddy said that," and he winks.                          
                                                            
36049 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Tony Burrell             



One hundred eighty to one;                                  
That's one more vote you haven't won.                       
You are President,                                          
Not the sole resident,                                      
So Georgie boy, get off your bum.                           
                                                            
36050 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Tony Burrell             



You use fuel up just like a gannet;                         
If there's a flame there, you will fan it.                  
Now you can play your part;                                 
Don't let Dubya fart,                                       
And greenhouse gas up the planet.                           
                                                            
36051 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Tony Burrell             



The Imperial family of Nippon                               
Has a policy problem to sip on;                             
Since 1965                                                  
No boys have arrived;                                       
But the 'mum throne, a girl cannot sit on.                  
(Chrysanthemum Throne)                                      
36052 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Dr Limerick  12-01-01    



You may think this some ancient tradition,                  
But in fact it's a post-war addition;                       
Pobably just another                                        
Of Douglas MacArthur's                                      
Ideas so high and patrician.                                
                                                            
36053 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Dr Limerick  12-01-01    



Pissed off by this terrible flight,                         
She returned to continue the fight.                         
And foul-mouthed Linda,                                     
Tossed the Jap through the winda;                           
There's a Nip in the air, love, tonight.                    
                                                            
36054 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Linda2              T9711



Long ago in ancient Japan,                                  
Was a geisha who dressed as a man.                          
Her pants were so tight                                     
And they rubbed her just right;                             
When she walked you might say that she ran!                 
                                                            
36055 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Richard Long             



Though not all your pundits will buy it,                    
Those who've studied Japan verify it.                       
Legislators are thin                                        
Because once they're in,                                    
They have to stick close to their Diet.                     
                                                            
36056 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        A. N. Wilkins       P9212



To the Japanese bath house he went;                         
(His first time, though a worldly-wise gent)                
Madam fixes a tub;                                          
He gets in and his stub                                     
Quickly grows when he sees whom she'd sent!                 
                                                            
36057 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Allen Wolverton          



She's a delicate, lovely young thing;                       
Scrubs and dries him; his bell she does ring;               
(A gown's all she wears;                                    
Nothing 'neath it, he swears!                               
Oh! To have this doll under my wing!)                       
                                                            
36058 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Allen Wolverton          



Says the madam, "You like her?  You do?                     
Her warm touch is exquisite; that's true;                   
I can tell you that she,                                    
For a small extra fee,                                      
Will perform a nice "wax job" on you!"                      
                                                            
36059 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Allen Wolverton          



Guess this "wax job", he thinks with a wink,                
Must involve something hot, wet, and pink;                  
While the maiden's sweet charm                              
Gets our hero quite warm;                                   
"Never heard it called that, I do think!"                   
                                                            
36060 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Allen Wolverton          



"Yes, a wax job sure sounds ticky poo;                      
To the tab, add it, I'll have one too!"                     
Then the chick doffs his robe,                              
Seeks his masculine probe;                                  
(On karate, he hasn't a clue!")                             
                                                            
36061 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Allen Wolverton          



With her right hand, his spear she then steers;             
With her left hand, she swoops on his spheres;              
Her hand's edge, then, does strike                          
His poor 'nads; he yells, "Yiiike"!                         
And the wax, then, pops out of his ears.                    
                                                            
36062 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        Allen Wolverton          



In the city they call Yokohama                              
With the accent penultimate, comma,                         
I saw parks and tea-houses                                  
And girls in tight blouses                                  
In kimonos and one in pyjamas.                              
                                                            
36063 LOCATION - ASIA - JAPAN        H. Wilson Smith     P8712



The rebels have taken Kabul;                                
We hope they establish wise rule.                           
But if they repay us                                        
With bloodshed and chaos,                                   
They'll be swapped for a reliable tool.                     
                                                            
36064 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Dr Limerick  11-13-01    



Try to believe this, if you can;                            
There is in the Turkish land                                
A town and it's small                                       
But that is not all;                                        
It goes by the name of Batman                               
                                                            
36065 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST                           



Mom and Dad bedded down in Beirut;                          
They mated and I was the fruit.                             
Their forebears were plain,                                 
And I'm not a brain,                                        
But you'll have to admit that I'm cute.                     
                                                            
36066 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Al Willis                



In Iraq there's a town ('round the mid)                     
And I think that just maybe it                              
Was attacked by allies,                                     
Then renamed (quite wise)                                   
To the more suitable name of Hit.                           
                                                            
36067 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST                           



A see saw installed in the sand,                            
Tripped militant troops in Iran.                            
A spy, incognito,                                           
Said, That worked just neato.                               
I seen what I saw then I ran.                               
                                                            
36068 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST                           



There was a young man of Teheran                            
Who had screwed every girl in his clan.                     
But those not so nice                                       
He had only screwed twice,                                  
Which is par for the course in Iran.                        
                                                            
36069 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Isaac Asimov             



A loose-sphinctered man in Teheran                          
Didn't quite make it into the can.                          
Moaned he, "I deplore                                       
All the mess on the floor,                                  
But Iran, Man, Iran and Iran."                              
                                                            
36070 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Grand Prix Lim  784      



Though warfare in general I slam,                           
Ethnic Cleansing, I think, we should damn,                  
As an evil infection.                                       
Can we make an exception                                    
For those folk from Iraq and Afgan?                         
                                                            
36071 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST                           



Navel of the universe, Holy City,                           
Jerusalem is much more than pretty.                         
But down on the coast                                       
They do like to boast                                       
Tel Aviv is the universe's titty.                           
                                                            
36072 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Esther                   



A young man from downtown Tel Aviv,                         
Says night time is the time he can live!                    
From theatres and clubs                                     
To lounge bars and the pubs,                                
His outlook on life's take, not give.                       
                                                            
36073 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Arthur Pattaffy          



In Israel, when girls attend school,                        
In summer they dress to keep cool.                          
You can believe me or not,                                  
It makes the boys hot.                                      
They're changing the girls' uniform rule!                   
                                                            
36074 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Arthur Pattaffy          



Young Russ told his father in full                          
Why he traveled to Turkey in wool.                          
He was tired -- and how!                                    
On milking Ma's cow,                                        
And he wanted to sell his tan bull.                         
                                                            
36075 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Laurence Perrine    P8407



There was a young mid-eastern sheik,                        
Did not want to appear as a freak.                          
To advance his knowledge,                                   
He went off to college;                                     
His degrees are in Latin and Greek!                         
                                                            
36076 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Arthur Pattaffy          



The Arabs and Jews will be friends.                         
Imagine what the future portends,                           
Jewish cities without roads,                                
PA troops by truck loads;                                   
I think I know now where this ends.                         
                                                            
36077 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Aaron Michelson          



Hafez Al-Assad won't deny                                   
That he's wishing Husssein will soon die                    
In the course of the war                                    
And open the door                                           
For him as the region's tough guy.                          
                                                            
36078 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  A. N. Wilkins       P9103



In judging stag parties, please note                        
The Iraqis won't get a big vote.                            
At the height of the din,                                   
A large cake is wheeled in,                                 
And out of the top jumps a goat.                            
                                                            
36079 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Theo Heller         P9303



A young man from Pakistan named Barney,                     
Went to Ireland to kiss the stone Blarney.                  
It increased his talking;                                   
He talks when sleep-walking.                                
He's the world's most verbal Pakistani.                     
                                                            
36080 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Arthur Pattaffy          



Alas for the cross cupidity                                 
Abounding since antiquity.                                  
It's supposed to make sense                                 
To kill more innocents,                                     
Because of human stupidity.                                 
                                                            
36081 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Fran                     



It may strike you and me as quite weird,                    
But the news, as you've probably heared:                    
The priority                                                
When the Talibans flee,                                     
Is to queue to shave off the beard.                         
                                                            
36082 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Dr Limerick  11-13-01    



I met her down-town in old Ankara,                          
Big Fatima, built like a tankara.                           
One thousand-one nights,                                    
Of Turkish delights?                                        
Uh-oh, but she gave me a wankara.                           
                                                            
36083 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST                           



There's a question designed to perplex,                     
Politically based and direct.                               
Would the Turks really mind                                 
If attacked from behind?                                    
And would Greece help to ease the effects."                 
                                                            
36084 LOCATION - ASIA - MIDDLE EAST  Oddo Von Schlong    T9710



Arsonists are burning Australia;                            
Hitherto their life's been a failure.                       
Now they've got it right;                                   
Sydney's well alight,                                       
Blazing like a lovely red Dahlia!                           
                                                            
36085 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Tony Burrell             



In Australia they oft have the blues                        
And there's sometimes a shortage of ewes.                   
So they jump up and down                                    
And head out of town,                                       
And sexually assault kangaroos.                             
                                                            
36086 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



I'm sure that young Archie knows best,                      
But in Oz they do foreplay with zest;                       
With a "Brace yourself, Shiela!"                            
They shout an appeal-a --                                   
"Owzat!" as if playing a test.                              
                                                            
36087 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Peter Wilkins            



Aussie foreplay?  An absolute waste!                        
The girls simply don't like the taste.                      
So a touch on the tit,                                      
And that's about it;                                        
Then into her quim we have raced!                           
                                                            
36088 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Archie                   



Old Arch, when he's spent a few guineas,                    
On treating the bar crowd with tinnies,                     
Don't care what he stokes                                   
With inebriate pokes,                                       
But sometimes he stops when she whinnies.                   
                                                            
36089 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Tiddy Ogg                



At the station the skint jackaroo          (broke youth)    
Was stroppy. "Belt up!" said the crew. (angry, be quiet)    
"It's potty to grouse.             (foolish to complain)    
Don't whinge. Use your nous.             (whine, smarts)    
Keep your pecker up. You'll get your screw.      (wages)    
                                                            
36090 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           A. N. Wilkins       P8611



Australian seasons are reverse.                             
Their New Years Day, July the First.                        
The women there bake                                        
The down-side-up cake.                                      
With "Bottoms Down" men toast their thirst.                 
                                                            
36091 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Irving Superior     P8611



In the great Aussie city of Perth                           
It was not an occasion of mirth                             
When a visiting guy                                         
Said, "I'm happy that I                                     
Am here, very near Forth of Firth."                         
                                                            
36092 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Loren c. Fitzhugh   P9702



There once was an Aussie named Jed,                         
Who could get any woman to bed,                             
If they were asleep,                                        
Or a cow, or a sheep;                                       
He would keep them there if they were dead.                 
                                                            
36093 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Still speaking of the Aussie named Jed,                     
You know how he liked to be fed?                            
He'd slip down all the way                                  
On whatever he'd lay                                        
When hungry, to put out some head.                          
                                                            
36094 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



He'd slurp and he'd lick and he'd suck                      
On a cow or a sheep or a duck!                              
He went for a Snapper one night;                            
Too bad he'd turned out the light                           
And then he was shit out of luck!                           
                                                            
36095 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



All that expensive dental went to Hell;                     
Was that ringing, his ears or a bell?                       
"No more of that crap,"                                     
While puking in his lap                                     
Said Jed, "I don't feel very well."                         
                                                            
36096 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Australia was the land of the crims;                        
We sent them back there for their sins.                     
To get their own back,                                      
They send TV crap,                                          
And a cricket team that always wins.                        
                                                            
36097 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Tony Burrell             



An Australian farmer called Blue                            
Had a twenty foot didgeridoo.                               
They say that he slept                                      
With the sheep that he kept                                 
And he didgeridid them all too.                             
                                                            
36098 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Midieval Fart            



And Sheilas who wanted some fun                             
With a didgeridoo in the sun,                               
Just visited Blue                                           
For a minute or two,                                        
Or until they were didgeridone.                             
                                                            
36099 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Said Joanne from Kalamazoo:                                 
"I think drastic measures are due.                          
Get no kick from my dildo;                                  
To down under I will go                                     
And buy me a didjeridoo."                                   
                                                            
36100 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



You republican infidels die!                                
With my anger I will not be shy!                            
You think I'm just joking,                                  
Since I do like provoking,                                  
But on such outrage I fie.                                  
                                                            
36101 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Bob Mornington           



It's likely a cockney Pygmalion                             
Would not have said Aussies spoke alien.                    
But the shiela'd be wrong                                   
If she fell for the prong                                   
Of a dill, if not drongo Australian.(idiot,if not worthless)
                                                            
36102 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Bill Backe-Hansen   P8611



Psychiatrists say: "When an Aussie                          
Who normally show himself bossy                             
To spammers and fools                                       
Who break limerick rules,                                   
It's reasoned he's drunk from the saucy.                    
                                                            
36103 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Travis Brasell           



With aboriginal wonder,                                     
The land that is called "Down Under",                       
And now anti-nuke,                                          
Discovered by fluke,                                        
Of English nautical blunder.                                
                                                            
36104 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Chris Papa               



They sent many Irishmen there,                              
Allowed them their white skins to bare,                     
To the tropic sun,                                          
Until every one                                             
Got skin cancers, more than their share.                    
                                                            
36105 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Chris Papa               



The moral, no cerebral clog,                                
Yourself, with this reminder jog.                           
"Each Celt who is wise,                                     
Eschews sunny skies,                                        
And lives in the Lands of the Fog".                         
                                                            
36106 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Chris Papa               



When convicts in prison regalia                             
Were shipped off for "life" in Australia,                   
One hardly could guess                                      
That Australia's success                                    
Would be built on foundations of failia.                    
                                                            
36107 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Laurence Perrine    P8611



When traveling the center of Aus,                           
And Walibri you come across,                                
Beware of the greeting                                      
At your first meeting,                                      
And don't try to show them who's boss.                      
                                                            
36108 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Can us gals greet them in the same way?                     
Are the Walibri eager to play?                              
Is it just a "man thing"                                    
To exchange a quick ding                                    
On their dongs?  Can you confirm?  Today?!                  
                                                            
36109 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



So how do the Walibri girls greet                           
If by chance in the bush they do meet?                      
Do they shake tit for tat?                                  
(I might struggle with that!)                               
I think I'd prefer to meat-beat.                            
                                                            
36110 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



The girls weight the lips of their twat;                    
The men have to extend 'cause if not,                       
What with all of the angling                                
Through all the meat dangling,                              
You'd get pussy, but not a whole lot.                       
                                                            
36111 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Can we greet them in the same way?                          
Can Johnson come out to play?                               
You probably could,                                         
But I imagine it would                                      
Be a quickie and then they would stray.                     
                                                            
36112 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Men aren't that loyal you see,                              
They like to stay wild and free.                            
A quick shake with dick                                     
And you'll see he's a prick,                                
When down the road he does sashay                           
                                                            
36113 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



He's handsome, he's virile, he's deep;                      
An Australian who doesn't like sheep.                       
He'll give you a hop,                                       
A day and night bop,                                        
Yes, Skippy will make your pulse leap!                      
                                                            
36114 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



A belligerent bloke from Australia                          
Is afflicted with gross coprolalia.                         
But since he speaks 'Strine',                               
It is hard to opine                                         
What is meant by the words that assail ya.                  
                                                            
36115 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Maledicta Monitor   P9202



There was a young man from Australia                        
Equipped with the right paraphernalia.                      
He made love with glee                                      
In his house by the sea,                                    
And if you went near him, he'd nail ya.                     
                                                            
36116 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Music Jones              



All you who have autumn or fall,                            
Down here a new Spring starts to call.                      
Hormones start to rage,                                     
We're out of our cage --                                    
If it moves then it's screwed, it's a ball!                 
                                                            
36117 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



We speak a language called Strine,                          
Where the rain comes down like the 'rine,'                  
And the 'line' is a 'loin' --                               
But my boots in your groin                                  
If you imply that my speech is 'in sine'.                   
                                                            
36118 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Don Laycock         P8611



I once met this girl from down under,                       
When I committed a rather bad blunder.                      
Her question still stings --                                
Do you know Alice Springs?                                  
I replied, "Really -- I hope you have shunned her."         
                                                            
36119 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           FCA                TP9804



The pedophiles landed in Oz                                 
Overjoyed at the country because                            
The bushmen had tots                                        
That gave 'em the hots,                                     
And sheep they could fuck without pause.                    
                                                            
36120 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



It's the Land of the Long White Cloud,                      
A fact the residents are all proud.                         
The Maoris, you see,                                        
They must disagree,                                         
It's the land of the Wrong White Crowd.                     
                                                            
36121 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Larry Brash              



Home to offspring of many a robber,                         
The bastards of prince and of pauper,                       
Aboriginal Australians,                                     
Marsupial/mammalians,                                       
And descendants of Wilkins Micawber.                        
                                                            
36122 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Robin K. Willoughby P8611



In Australia it's no contradiction                          
To say freedom flows out of restriction.                    
It's with pride that they say                               
Of their forefathers' day,                                  
"Our founders were men of conviction."                      
                                                            
36123 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Laurence Perrine    P8611



We antiscians have upturned it all;                         
Our Springtime corresponds to your Fall.                    
And our North to your South --                              
So my arse to your mouth                                    
Fits as neat as a brick in a wall.                          
                                                            
36124 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Don Laycock         P9611



An Emu, Koala, and 'Roo,                                    
Are what us true Aussies will do.                           
Though a sheep in a pinch                                   
Will take our twelve-inch;                                  
We prefer our own native grown zoo.                         
                                                            
36125 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Archie                   



It's here, men are men, so observers                        
Have noted.  This land does deserve us.                     
Like us, it is lusty,                                       
Though partly it's dusty,                                   
And the women and beasties are nervous.                     
                                                            
36126 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Archie                   



My contact with Koala or 'Roo                               
Or an Emu, I can assure you,                                
Won't be in Australia                                       
With their genitalia;                                       
I'm content with quick views at the zoo.                    
                                                            
36127 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Observer                 



Ned Kelly, a bushranger bold,                               
Once sold kitchen stoves, it is told.                       
When Abos came tracking,                                    
He really got cracking,                                     
Climbed inside so he didn't catch cold.                     
                                                            
36128 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Tony Burrell             



Soldiers said: "Old Ned's in the can.                       
He's changed into an iron man.                              
Just keep shooting straight;                                
Rattle that iron plate;                                     
Noise will stop him if anything can."                       
                                                            
36129 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Tony Burrell             



Have a kiwi or sheepburger snack,                           
In the land that's two lumps and a crack.                   
It could easily pass                                        
As an old woman's ass                                       
On the globe, it's low down, at the back.                   
                                                            
36130 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



'Bout New Zealand I don't know a lot,                       
Although I'm quite sure that I ought.                       
Flightless birds called kiwis,                              
And surrounded by seas,                                     
It's quite near Australia and hot.                          
                                                            
36131 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Jayne                    



To live in Australia is neat;                               
It's got that cold winter stuff beat.                       
The skies are so blue;                                      
The sea's the same hue,                                     
To go with the ninety degree heat.                          
                                                            
36132 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Archie                   



Oh Archie, you're making me green                           
With envy; you set quite a scene.                           
How I wish I were there,                                    
In your weather so fair,                                    
Engaging in something obscene.                              
                                                            
36133 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Carol                    



While your winters there are inviting,                      
I'm sure your summers are frightening..                     
For south of the equator,                                   
The seasons do cater                                        
To a reverse of the north so enticing.                      
                                                            
36134 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Parley Kennelly          



In Austrailia it's hotter than hell,                        
And the settlers only would dwell                           
On the coast or by streams,                                 
'Cause inland it seems                                      
With no drillers, there's also no well.                     
                                                            
36135 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



And old pheasant plucker from Sydney,                       
Found new plucking grounds from Perth, didn' 'e?            
He's now plucking quail,                                    
Gets plenty of tail,                                        
As his dick usually tickles their kidneys.                  
                                                            
36136 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



This codger from Perth said "Please rid me                  
Of worn out old pheasants.  Now bid me                      
farewell from the West                                      
I've put on my vest,                                        
And now I am living in Sydney!"                             
                                                            
36137 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



My age is now larger than girth                             
And that is a matter of mirth.                              
I still get my share                                        
Of lady-loves fair,                                         
On the beaches of warm sunny Perth.                         
                                                            
36138 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



I'll try not to bore or regale'ya                           
With tales of the others bad failure.                       
I live in the West                                          
Of the country that's best:                                 
On top of the world in Australia.                           
                                                            
36139 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Archie                   



You may think I live in the outback;                        
If so, then it's knowledge that you lack.                   
The fact of the matter,                                     
For worse or for better,                                    
It's in town where I hang my hat.                           
                                                            
36140 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Narni                    



You reside in the city, it's true.                          
Is there some other place where you grew?                   
You've never met in combat                                  
A big furry wombat                                          
Or outrun a fast kangaroo?                                  
                                                            
36141 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Ward Hardman             



A wealthy stockrider's a joke.                              
It's just Buckley's chance that the bloke                   
Will have more than a zak.                     (small coin) 
He's a lubra outback                            (abo woman) 
But owns nought but his swag and his moke. (bindle & horse) 
                                                            
36142 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           A. N. Wilkins       P8611



To Pooncarie, you'll come spend the night,                  
And fix my Wagga-Wagga.  Too right!                         
Have we got a date?                                         
Canberra the wait                                           
For a Great bit of Australian Bight.                        
                                                            
36143 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



I remember that girl who gave itches;                       
She was one of those Aussie-land bitches.                   
I forgave her the error,                                    
Even though I'm a wearer                                    
Of her riches of twitches in britches.                      
                                                            
36144 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Her riches of twitches could scratch                        
Those itches she gave in a batch;                           
Though not of my choosing,                                  
She gave me this oozing,                                    
Directly from stuffing her snatch!                          
                                                            
36145 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



Ned, a bullocky down from the Gwyder,                       
Hired a harlot, and soon got astride her.                   
When a lad joined them too,                                 
Ned said, "This is Blue--                                   
He's learning to be me offsider."                           
                                                            
36146 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



I once met this girl from down under,                       
Who asked for some money to fund her                        
Trip to see Sidney --                                       
But goodbye she bid me,                                     
When I asked if he would refund her.                        
                                                            
36147 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           H Myers            TP9804



When judges in courtly regalia                              
Have judged a man's life as a falia,                        
The convict could see                                       
What his sentence would be                                  
With a period down in Australia.                            
                                                            
36148 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Laurence Perrine    P8611



I would like to move to Australia,                          
No pomp and paraphernalia.                                  
It's be quite a laugh                                       
To share a big bath                                         
To save water with Mr Maxalia.                              
                                                            
36149 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Wobbley                  



I am sure that he has a big ship,                           
And I could make bubbles with it.                           
I could float all my ducks;                                 
(His battleship sucks)                                      
Conformity?  Who wants that shit?                           
                                                            
36150 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Michelle                 



Your harbor'll be safe here down under,                     
Though the bath could be torn right asunder.                
Don't make a big scene,                                     
'Cause my submarine                                         
Will care for your dripping pedunda.                        
                                                            
36151 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Archie                   



While, of course, this is not on the level;                 
In such foolishness, though we can revel.                   
From Tasmania she came                                      
And while not a grand dame,                                 
She was one cute Tasmanian Devil.                           
                                                            
36152 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



You can tell the English and Dutch;                         
You can tell the Germans and such;                          
You can tell the Spanish.                                   
But reason will vanish;                                     
You can tell the Ozzies, NOT MUCH.                          
                                                            
36153 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA                                    



A novice who hailed from Geelong                            
Proceeded to get it quite wrong.                            
It wasn't the Hash                                          
That got him so smashed,                                    
But the water he drank from the Bong.                       
                                                            
36154 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Anon                     



There once was a young man from Perth,                      
Who always slept in an upper berth.                         
When asked for the reason,                                  
Said, "There's no good season                               
To be "down under" in Perth!                                
                                                            
36155 LOCATION - AUSTRALIA           Bard of Wauconda         



The Anglophile smitten with Britain,                        
The lion become now a kitten,                               
Must ask when he sees                                       
Its purr-formance at teas,                                  
Was it really worth wasting one's wit on?                   
                                                            
36156 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Laurence Perrine    P8605



"Though the language of England sounds funny                
To non-natives," observed Mr. Tunny,                        
"It is more widely used,                                    
Understood, and abused                                      
Than any known tongue -- except money."                     
                                                            
36157 LOCATION - BRITAIN             A. N. Wilkins       P8605



A young Malayan from Singapore                              
Found his life was one very big bore.                       
He arrived in the U.K.                                      
Was told that he could not stay;                            
The way back was shut tight like a door.                    
                                                            
36158 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



Ah, Clacton. Yes, Clacton-on-Sea;                           
The resort during summer to be.                             
It's devoid of all birds                                    
On account of the turds,                                    
And the oil-slicks; all of it's free!                       
                                                            
36159 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



Clapham Common's a good place to be                         
For sex, drugs, and perversions, you see.                   
But a former Welsh Minister                                 
Could see nothing sinister,                                 
In a nice invitation to tea.                                
(sans cups - Ronny Graham)                                  
36160 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Prof M-G                 



A gullible schoolgirl from Colney,                          
Bought a walkman she thought was a Sony.                    
But when it went broke,                                     
She thought it no joke,                                     
And exclaimed, I've been caught with a phoney!              
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36161 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



In Cornwall there's a town that's called Looe;              
The residents don't know what to do.                        
As the press, to their shame,                               
Oft makes fun of their name.                                
If it doesn't stop shortly, they'll sue!                    
                                                            
36162 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



Brittania, not given to tippling,                           
Ruled everywhere water was rippling.                        
The Queen of the seas,                                      
She governed with ease,                                     
Especially while coupling with Kipling.                     
                                                            
36163 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Laurence Perrine    P8605



In Cringleford there is a hitch                             
And their name they may now have to ditch.                  
To lie is rewardless;                                       
Their village is fordless,                                  
And really should be called Cringlebridge.                  
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36164 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



I've heard of those girlies from Dagenham,                  
'Cause gossips have tongues, and they're waggin' 'em,       
In any town park,                                           
In daylight or dark,                                        
You'll find Essex fellers a-shaggin' 'em.                   
                                                            
36165 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



And eccentric old fellow named Bill                         
Lived in a cottage in Dill.                                 
He dried all his socks                                      
On the green window box,                                    
And his underwear out on the sill.                          
                                                            
36166 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Limerick John            



Now Diss, with the fairest compares, sir;                   
It has one of the finest of Meres, sir.                     
A remarkable town                                           
And a place of renown,                                      
Which as you approach, Diss appears, sir.                   
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36167 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



Us boys who come from East Anglia                           
Are hard and stiff and angular.                             
So it's no surprise                                         
When the girls spread their thighs,                         
That they're handy and bandy and randier.                   
                                                            
36168 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



There once was a village called Eccles,                     
That cost Norfolk thousands of sheckles,                    
To prevent the coast failing                                
But all unavailing,                                         
As the sea advanced slowly on Beccles.                      
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36169 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



To England for your next affair;                            
No language-type barriers there.                            
In cock versus cunt,                                        
You'll both know up front                                   
The Who Why What How and the Where.                         
                                                            
36170 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Irving Superior     P9407



The ETB, ain't they some schmucks?                          
They're hoping for big Yankee bucks.                        
Enlisting Slick Willy;                                      
Now ain't that just silly?                                  
The message must be "England Sucks!"                        
(ETB - English Tourist Board)                               
36171 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tiddy Ogg                



The English for sure are a pain                             
In the neck -- you know what I'm sayin'?                    
They are really a pest                                      
When the wind is due west;                                  
They dump in the lowlands their rain.                       
                                                            
36172 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



As Christians, they're passably meek                        
With an English conservative streak.                        
Not forgetting the odds,                                    
They revere pagan gods,                                     
In the names of the days of the week.                       
                                                            
36173 LOCATION - BRITAIN             A. N. Wilkins       P8605



If Wessex of Sussex had sex                                 
With the middle sex Essex suspects,                         
Well, sex makes the British                                 
Remarkably skittish.                                        
They'd fake it with special effects.                        
                                                            
36174 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Dennis Hammes            



From what I can see of the Brits,                           
They seem mostly to be half-wits.                           
Their press is a joke,                                      
The food makes you choke,                                   
And it gives you the runny squits.                          
                                                            
36175 LOCATION - BRITAIN             AJA                      



It seems to be Britain's hard fate                          
To pound on in endless debate;                              
Although she was willing                                    
To dispense with the shilling,                              
She hasn't denounced her old weight.                        
                                                            
36176 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Bill Backe-Hansen   P9206



The sweet little girlies of Gloss   (Gloucestershire)       
Are happy to give you a toss;                               
The girlies of Salop   (Shropshire)                         
Although they may gallop,                                   
Prefer to be riding a hoss.                                 
                                                            
36177 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Peter Wilkins            



There was a schoolmaster from Gresham,                      
Used to catch naughty boys and them thrash 'em,             
Till a burly sixth-former                                   
Tied him up in a corner,                                    
And threatened to nastily bash 'em.                         
                                                            
36178 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



A buglar called Robert from Hautbois,  (Hobbis)             
Robbing rich houses his job is.                             
Through windows he wangles                                  
At impossible angles;                                       
Yes, a rubbery robber our Bob is.                           
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36179 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



At the pill-making factory of Hellesdon,                    
You can never find out how the smell is done;               
I've tried hard and long                                    
To unravel that pong,                                       
But I never found out how the Hell it's done.               
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36180 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



A careful young fisherman of Holkham                        
Used to catch lost of herring and smoke 'em.                
In his great big fish shed,                                 
To make sure they were dead,                                
He'd take a sharp stick and he'd poke 'em.                  
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36181 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



Some people from Holme took the train                       
And stole some stones from Salisbury Plain.                 
To get their revenge                                        
For the theft of Woodhenge,                                 
And to give them a circle again.                            
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36182 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



There was a young welder called Graham                      
Who received a call from Potter Heigham.                    
Or it might be that I am                                    
Wrong and it's Heigham;                                     
I really don't know how to say 'em.                         
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36183 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



Although we British may not be tough,                       
Our ways are civilised, not rough.                          
But WE INVENTED CRICKET;                                    
SHOVE THAT UP YOUR WICKET;                                  
Tea and jam for tea, I've not had enough.                   
                                                            
36184 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Peter Morgan             



There was a young lady of station;                          
"I love man" was her exclamation.                           
But when men cried, "You flatter!"                          
She replied, "Oh no matter!                                 
'Isle of Man' is the explanation."                          
                                                            
36185 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Lewis Carrol             



The smooth-hound's a small type of shark,                   
That's found 'round the coastline of Sark.                  
Its name's rather quaint,                                   
But a dogfish it ain't,                                     
And its bite is much worse than its bark.                   
                                                            
36186 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tiddy Ogg                



We've heard of the Isle of Sark;                            
Its history is a tad dark.                                  
Their odd banking laws                                      
Contained an odd clause,                                    
Which let you start one for a lark.                         
                                                            
36187 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tomea                    



There was a young girl from Uttoxeter                       
Who'd rather you kicked or threw rocks at her,              
Than make her the source                                    
Of ideas for coarse                                         
Comps set by some low-minded Jock setter.                   
                                                            
36188 LOCATION - BRITAIN             R. D. Condon        P9212



Ah, England! what glories are thine!                        
The greatest -- your language, and mine --                  
Of Shakespeare the voice,                                   
Keats, Swift, and re-Joyce!                                 
The language of Laurence Perrine.                           
                                                            
36189 LOCATION - BRITAIN             LP = conceited shit P8605



My ancestors maybe were Saxon,                              
Who wooed all the Celts with their macs on,                 
Down Dorsetshire way,                                       
Which accounts for the way                                  
That I speak in a West-Country accen'.                      
                                                            
36190 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Peter Wilkins            



The Brussels edict magesterial                              
Said, "Your measures are not immaterial."                   
Now England must try                                        
A regular guy,                                              
Whose buyers preferred weights imperial.                    
                                                            
36191 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Dr Limerick              



The counties in England, I muse,                            
Were named to invaders confuse.                             
"Middlesex" makes one wonder                                
What treasure to plunder --                                 
Even a Viking'd refuse.                                     
                                                            
36192 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



A curious bird is the gull,                                 
Which lives on the isle of Mull                             
Just on a hunch,                                            
It flew out to lunch,                                       
On some fish in faraway Hull.                               
                                                            
36193 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



Surveying her brood, Mrs Mouse                              
Said, "We have outgrown this small house.                   
We could easily fill a                                      
Luxurious villa                                             
In Catton or Hellesdon or Trouse."                          
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36194 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



The Guardian and the Observer                               
Supply Britain's liberal fervor.                            
The Telegraph, Times,                                       
Echo old Tory chimes,                                       
And the Sun is the day's pin-up server!                     
                                                            
36195 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Prof M-G                 



In Hereford, Hertford, and Hampshire,                       
It's been both a windy and damp year.                       
If you have the bent                                        
To live in a tent,                                          
Then folks, I suggest you don't camp here.                  
                                                            
36196 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tiddy Ogg                



If you live in a borough like Harrow,                       
Then your fauna is a house sparrow.                         
To meet a crocodile                                         
You must move to the Nile.                                  
For this purpose just follow this arrow =>.                 
                                                            
36197 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Meskhi              P0900



Some Brits take a great pride in the act                    
Of speech, showing what Yanks always lacked.                
But as an adjunctive,                                       
They eschew the subjunctive,                                
So state nothing contrary to fact.                          
                                                            
36198 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



I thunk that you Brits talk good English,                   
But I sees dat yer grammer's stinking-lish.                 
Ya ain't got no clue                                        
'Bout how ya can glue                                       
Dem words on da page! Disgusting-lish!                      
                                                            
36199 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



The Briton has made quite a mark,                           
Since Noah abandoned the ark.                               
Now such is his lust,                                       
Even God wouldn't trust                                     
An Englishman whilst in the dark.                           
                                                            
36200 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



If you travel from Scratby to Oby                           
And you are in a hurry, then oh be                          
Sure your route will be                                     
By Hemsby or Filby                                          
Or Ormsby but never by Scroby.                              
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36201 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



In Waterford town on the dole,                              
At last I have reached my life's goal.                      
With a hundred a week,                                      
No TD has the cheek                                         
To ask me to work, bless their soul!                        
(TD = ? -McW)                                               
36202 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Linda Marsh Coll         



Voltaire's Norman cook named Montross                       
Found England an absolute loss;                             
"In that nation, one sees                                   
More religions than fleas,                                  
And yet they have only one sauce."                          
                                                            
36203 LOCATION - BRITAIN             A. N. Wilkins       P8605



In the UK, we rhyme Philistine                              
With the great German river, the Rhine.                     
So you Merkins must rough it,                               
Or tell me to stuff it,                                     
If to you it ain't sounding fine.                           
                                                            
36204 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tiddy Ogg                



They're a disciplined lot are the Bicester,                 
And the Huntsman is always called Mister.                   
When a girl from the Fernie                                 
Addressed him as Ernie,                                     
They all gathered 'round her and hissed her.                
                                                            
36205 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon              (Bibby)



The old Roman fortress of Corbridge                         
Was designed with a terrible flaw which                     
Kept enemies out,                                           
Of that there's no doubt.                                   
It had a big moat and no drawbridge.                        
                                                            
36206 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Janet Muggeridge         



An encyclopaedia found in schools                           
Describes the way of fighting duels.                        
First it's best in the yard,                                
Then both say, "Be on guard!"                               
Then Britannica waives the rules.                           
                                                            
36207 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tom Patton          P0302



A babe from American Fork                                   
Could diddle before she could talk.                         
Now she's in the U.K.                                       
And the Englishmen say,                                     
"Wow! Can that American Fork!"                              
                                                            
36208 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Hugh Oliver         A116C



We British live on a small island,                          
And happy are we in our own land.                           
The WORLD WARS WE WON,                                      
SHOVE THAT UP YOUR BUM.                                     
Better late than not lending a hand.                        
                                                            
36209 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Peter Morgan             



Well, I'm down the old England's south coast,               
About which there ain't much to boast;                      
Except for the heather                                      
And gorse, and the weather,                                 
Which for Britain, is drier than most.                      
                                                            
36210 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tiddy Ogg                



Just south is the old Isle of Wight;                        
On clear days it's well within sight.                       
The winds, it is plain,                                     
Drop there all the rain,                                    
And leaves us comparatively bright.                         
                                                            
36211 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tiddy Ogg                



Is that the young fellow from Wight,                        
Who gave all the girlies a fright,                          
By claiming his dong                                        
Was as fat and as long                                      
As the famous St Catherine's light.                         
(SC - lighthouse on Isle of Wight)                          
36212 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Tiddy                    



There was a young lady of Penge,                            
Politically out on the fringe.                              
She was given some fluid                                    
By a randy old Druid,                                       
And now she's the toast of Stonehenge.                      
                                                            
36213 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Bill Wall                



On Salisbury Plain vandals impinged                         
And last year's Winter Solstice was dimmed                  
By malevolent spawn,                                        
Dimming the light of dawn,                                  
Leaving modern day Druids unhEnged.                         
                                                            
36214 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



When the wind comes from the south,                         
Over the shield-bearing Saxons stout,                       
It drives waves up Skiddy,                                  
Makes high Calad Nit giddy,                                 
Pounding the grey-green of Shannon's mouth.                 
                                                            
36215 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Rumann Mac Colmain  P0107



The sweet little girlies of Surrey                          
Are anyone's after a curry;                                 
But the girlies from Berks   (Berkshire)                    
Prefer toffee-nosed jerks                                   
To be up 'em and out in a hurry.                            
                                                            
36216 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Peter Wilkins            



The names all appear old and and quaint,                    
Though confusion's a common complaint.                      
There's counties named Essex,                               
And Sussex and Wessex,                                      
But a county named Nussex, there ain't.                     
                                                            
36217 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



Asheville is cunning.  It would                             
Run trucks through my nice neighborhood,                    
To build them an armory                                     
With arms, from a farmery                                   
And a park, but I don't think they should.                  
                                                            
36218 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Lian na Beag             



I like to go travelling each year                           
To places both far and near.                                
This summer I'll be bumming                                 
'Round a town called Cumming;                               
The girls are ac-cum-odating, I hear.                       
                                                            
36219 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



Clwydian men are all selfish                                
And stereotypically Welfish.                                
They'll spuzz in a crack                                    
Then take it all back.                                      
They don't even lick cunnifilfish.                          
                                                            
36220 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



There's a place in Wales called the Mumbles,                
That is filled with groans and grumbles.                    
The locals complain                                         
Of constant cold rain,                                      
Which produces a coastline that crumbles.                   
                                                            
36221 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



There was a young man from Welsh Wales,                     
Who contrary to old women's tales,                          
Was never a thief;                                          
Never stole any beef,                                       
But for fraud had been in many jails!                       
                                                            
36222 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Arthur Pattaffy          



The Welsh live in towns so distress-                        
ingly hard to pronounce, I confess.                         
There's a village quite silly                               
'Twixt Bwlch and Caerphilly                                 
Called Ysbytty Tstwyth, no less.                            
                                                            
36223 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Peter Wilkins            



From West Country Dorset, I be;                             
'Tis very perceptive of thee;                               
But phrases like, "Well                                     
I be buggered", Michelle,                                   
Be a-comin' from 'eifers, not me.                           
                                                            
36224 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



The sea-wise people of Weybourne                            
Can tell what the state of the ebb 'n'                      
Flow of the tide is                                         
By checking how wide is                                     
The crafty old sea-spiders webbin'.                         
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36225 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



Some people think British food stinks,                      
But I'll have to try it, methinks.                          
Besides, I have learned                                     
Where strange food is concerned,                            
I'll eat anything with enough drinks.                       
                                                            
36226 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Cheryl                   



A strapping young builder from Wymondham                    
Was proud of his massive pudendum.                          
Its gargantuan size                                         
Easily won him first prize                                  
In a big nationwide referendum.                             
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36227 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Anon                     



Ah, yes! I will crap in the grass,                          
And piss in each creek that I pass.                         
And then to be cute,                                        
Each night I pollute                                        
The cunt of a clean British lass.                           
                                                            
36228 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



Excuse  me, but this isn't right;                           
Us people of York are not tight!                            
And when troubles come,                                     
'Ay Up!' and 'By gum!'                                      
Will silence all mili-try might.                            
                                                            
36229 LOCATION - BRITAIN                                      



When traveling, I always try                                
Local foods, and some bring a sigh;                         
Yorkshire pudding can cause                                 
Terminal pause,                                             
And tears are brought to the eye.                           
                                                            
36230 LOCATION - BRITAIN             Mike Patterson  A3       



There was a young man from Alnwick,                         
Who picked up a fork, looking manic,                        
Said, "I'll ask them in Warkworth                           
Just how much this forks worth,"                            
And everyone started to panic.                              
                                                            
36231 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Janet Muggeridge         



Of Daphne from Ashton-ON-Lyne,                              
I must say that she's mighty fine,                          
Men from Manchester                                         
And even from Chester,                                      
Pine for her part that's feline.                            
                                                            
36232 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



Been working in dismally gritty                             
And gloom-laden Birmingham City,                            
Where most of the women                                     
Are terribly grim 'n'                                       
The rest are decidedly shitty.                              
                                                            
36233 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Peter Wilkins            



But soon I'll be off and away                               
To Edinburgh City and pray                                  
That hundreds of lasses                                     
With cute little asses                                      
Will teasingly lead me astray.                              
                                                            
36234 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Peter Wilkins            



Oh what a sad piteous verse!                                
You need, my boy, a big strapping nurse.                    
But Glasgow has few,                                        
And I hear from McGrew,                                     
That Edinburgh City is worse.                               
                                                            
36235 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Tiddy Ogg                



No nurses in Edinburgh City?                                
No comforting matronly titty?                               
No nipples, no teats                                        
In those desolate streets?                                  
No surprise?, then a piteous ditty.                         
                                                            
36236 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Peter Wilkins            



Some things I just can't resist;                            
I love limeys, I truly insist.                              
My mother, God rest her,                                    
Was born in Manchester;                                     
Other blots on my past, I won't list.                       
                                                            
36237 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    John Miller              



I'm off to the City of Titties;                             
That's Bristol, the Mecca of cities,                        
Where girlies wear vests                                    
Which cling to their chests,                                
And charge nowt for a poke of their kitties.                
                                                            
36238 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



I have heard that the girls out in Bucks  (Buckinghamshire) 
When they're dancing, do waddle like ducks.                 
But their organ down south                                  
Is as good as a mouth;                                      
Well at least I've been told that it sucks.                 
                                                            
36239 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Peter Wilkins            



The busy square mile of the city                            
Of London's not specially pretty,                           
But well worth a visit                                      
For spotting exquisite                                      
Young ladies with bountiful titty.                          
                                                            
36240 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Peter Wilkins            



In London I'd throw in the tower                            
Those ladies I'd want in my power.                          
Unlike Henry Eighth said,                                   
I'd yell "On with the head!"                                
And generate quite a nice shower.                           
                                                            
36241 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Ward Hardman             



While digging his garden in Garboldisham,                   
A man found some gems, so he polished 'em.                  
Sadly he garbled some,                                      
And then he marbled some,                                   
And finally gave up and abolished 'em.                      
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
36242 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Anon                     



A postman in Leeds, Sam MacLean,                            
Oft talks of the boxes he's seen,                           
While walking his beat,                                     
But yet has to meet                                         
A one that ain't festering green.                           
                                                            
36243 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



"Not Leeds!" I protested in vain,                           
When told I must visit again;                               
It's not only grim,                                         
It lacks quality quim,                                      
And it always chucks buckets of rain.                       
                                                            
36244 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



The trouble with Leeds is the spotty                        
Unkempt and unsavoury totty;                                
The most one can say,                                       
On a very good day,                                         
Is that camels are rather less grotty.                      
                                                            
36245 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Peter Wilkins            



The hookers of Leeds are a fright;                          
Asked one I encountered last night.                         
"A handjob for free                                         
In the gents while you pee?"                                
"Not likely!" I said, and took flight.                      
                                                            
36246 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



Back home now I'm kind of like working                      
'Twixt patches of snoozing and lurking,                     
Composing these verses                                      
And ogling nurses;                                          
Pretending, in fact, I'm not shirking.                      
                                                            
36247 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



Oh bugger this work I be doin';                             
Yon nurses I'd rather be wooin'.                            
If not, then Big Bertha                                     
I guess may be worth a                                      
Wee visit for billin' and cooin'.                           
                                                            
36248 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



In Bradford the rainfall is worse;                          
I done caught a dose from a nurse.                          
Now back here in Penge,                                     
I'm  potting  revenge,                                      
Too gruesome to tell in this verse.                         
                                                            
36249 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



So much for Big Bertha - though willing                     
She told me her fee was a shilling.                         
It seems that she too                                       
Won't consider a woo                                        
Or a cooing or two before billing.                          
                                                            
36250 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



'Twas in London I lived as a lad;                           
As a town it was not all that bad.                          
Then out to the styx,                                       
We moved, when I'm Six;                                     
Now, I barely miss it a tad.                                
                                                            
36251 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



A young lady named Minny Cooper                             
Had learned how to swear like a trooper!                    
On her way home one night,                                  
And not feeling bright,                                     
She got lost in a London pea-souper!                        
                                                            
36252 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Arthur Pattaffy          



It's darkly Satanic and grim,                               
Forbiddingly gloomy and dim.                                
It's Manchester city;                                       
And equally gritty                                          
Is Manchester's quota of quim.                              
                                                            
36253 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Peter Wilkins            



I've heard of this city of Kent                             
But confess that I never went.                              
So I guess it's unfair                                      
Since I never went there,                                   
To hope that I never get sent.                              
                                                            
36254 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



In Nottingham, heaps of old slags                           
Are offering "quality" shags,                               
Which frankly are crap;                                     
For the catching of clap,                                   
And the crabs are but some of the snags.                    
                                                            
36255 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES                             



Should a Brit do offense 'gainst the Crown,                 
The entire legal system comes down                          
On the sad miscreant,                                       
Who is tried, sentenced, sent                               
To drive taxicabs in London Town.                           
                                                            
36256 LOCATION - BRITAIN - CITIES    Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



How sad for to see Baltimore!                               
Where the Irish are now to the fore.                        
God be with the old days                                    
And our dear British ways --                                
But, alas and alack, they're no more!                       
                                                            
36257 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Linda Marsh Coll         



In the Gaeltacht of sweet Ballingearry,                     
Where the Gaels of both sexes are airy,                     
If you want to make love,                                   
It's OK from Above.                                         
If you do it through Irish -- be wary!                      
                                                            
36258 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Linda Marsh Coll         



The Blarney Stone still spins the money,                    
If you kiss it, your talk flows like honey,                 
But if on it you sit,                                       
You could excel at wit,                                     
And the final results are quite funny.                      
                                                            
36259 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Myler Magrath       P8605



There was a young miss from Killarney,                      
Who did everything but kiss the Blarney.                    
When asked why, she spat,                                   
"Do you think I'm a bat!                                    
Or otherwise totally barmy?"                                
                                                            
36260 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Narni                    



I can't blame her from passing the stone.                   
It's cleanliness never's been known.                        
For local lads soil it                                      
And use for a toilet;                                       
A crime for which none will atone.                          
                                                            
36261 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Liam na Beag             



To honor Ireland's patron Saint,                            
Nicole and Liam decide to paint                             
Upon their lap                                              
An Irish map,                                               
That Kindell and Leigha think is quaint!                    
                                                            
36262 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Dick Hull                



Donnegal's women are fair,                                  
But give you a gimlet-eyed glare.                           
If ever you try                                             
To capture their eye,                                       
Be ready to prove that you care.                            
                                                            
36263 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Anon                     



In the middle of Dublin's fair heart,                       
There's a wonderful work of fine art.                       
It's a statue fo Molly,                                     
Complete with her trolly;                                   
They call it "The Tart With The Cart."                      
                                                            
36264 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Anon                     



In Dublin, I have seen that sweet tart                      
Who sells cockles and mussels from her cart.                
She's quite a fair lass                                     
With a trim little ass,                                     
That with my muscle I'd like to part.                       
                                                            
36265 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Saint                    



In the Emerald Isle, County Cork,                           
Raven-haired young colleen, Kate O'Rourke,                  
Had a slithering walk,                                      
Which made all the lads gawk                                
And entitle her, "Duchess of Torque."                       
                                                            
36266 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



A sheepherder counting his flock                            
Blundered into a big granite rock.                          
On shamrocks he tumbled,                                    
Self-confidence crumbled,                                   
He suffered numerical shock.                                
                                                            
36267 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Anon                     



G Adams spoke well of disarmin',                            
But lest ye blokes think this alarmin':                     
Let the English surrender                                   
Their weapons and tender                                    
A kiss on the arse, now that's charmin'!                    
(head of Sinn Fein? - McW)                                  
36268 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH                              



In Dublin there was an old fey Mick                         
Who always was seeking that stray trick                     
And specifically wowed                                      
Most by those well endowed,                                 
And referred to by all as a gay lick.                       
                                                            
36269 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Bob Giandomenico    P9111



An Irish lass in Gloccamora                                 
Said, "Fuck me, but first loccadoora;"                      
The laws that we've got                                     
Prohibit paid twat;                                         
Be careful when you coccawhora!"                            
                                                            
36270 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH                              



To Dublin, that town on the Liffey,                         
To Janet, Jim wrote: "I've a stiffy.                        
I'll just have a shag                                       
In this wee padded bag.                                     
Be there soon. I'll come in a jiffy."                       
                                                            
36271 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH                              



There is a Green Isle in the West                           
With abundance of provender blest;                          
Unconscripted and pampered,                                 
But rations unhampered,                                     
Yet deeming herself most distressed.                        
                                                            
36272 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Anon Punch 1918   (Bibby)



Whilst in Ireland, they're living in hope                   
Of the end of Loyalist vs Pope.                             
They'd all start to dance,                                  
If given the chance                                         
To show Adams and Paisley the rope!                         
                                                            
36273 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Jim Weaver Collection    



Jonah had only one wish,                                    
But instead was eaten by a fish.                            
I'll bet you a buck,                                        
With this kind of luck,                                     
He must have been totally Irish.                            
                                                            
36274 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Chris                    



To the Irish the ultimate horror,                           
Worse than Sodom and worse than Gomorrah,                   
Is surely the way                                           
We expect them to say                                       
Things like Jaysus, begob and begorra.                      
                                                            
36275 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     John Mills, Christchurch 



To Ireland I want to go                                     
With kids and a husband in tow.                             
We'll see all the green                                     
And sights to be seen,                                      
And fun will be had, this I know.                           
                                                            
36276 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Intell                   



To an island off Kerry we rode fast.                        
'Twas truly our link with the past.                         
Would stories be true?                                      
Would Grandpa know who                                      
Was touching his island at last?                            
                                                            
36277 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was an Irish vacation                            
Which gave me this view of the nation:                      
Green Kerry was clean.                                      
Grafitti unseen,                                            
'Cept "Kathleen was here," in Glen Station.                 
                                                            
36278 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Jim Weaver Collection    



An old Irish family called Carey,                           
Lived in the big house in Tipperary.                        
The house attained fame,                                    
Not because of its name,                                    
'Twas a breeding spot of the Irish Canary!                  
                                                            
36279 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Arthur Pattaffy          



Now a warrior princess named Olga                           
Was a champion of Upper Volga.                              
She sailed West to Eire                                     
Chu Chullain to dare,                                       
But she succumbed to his big Gae Bolga.  [?]                
                                                            
36280 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH                              



In Limerick there is a colleen                              
Whose whole pubic area's green.                             
On each of her tits                                         
A harp proudly sits,                                        
With shamrocks to round off the scene.                      
                                                            
36281 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Prof                     



To see this erotic display,                                 
All Ireland is willing to pay.                              
The women to view her,                                      
The men folks to screw her:                                 
She's available July to May.                                
                                                            
36282 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Prof                     



Each May this colleen can afford                            
To go on vacation abroad,                                   
Along with a peer                                           
Who loves her most dear.                                    
Yes folks, you've guessed, I'm that lord.                   
                                                            
36283 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Prof                     



I'm from Ireland, I must confess.                           
I'm drinking no more and no less.                           
I came here to learn                                        
And will likely return                                      
With a master's degree in B.S.                              
                                                            
36284 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Dirruk                   



You came her to learn about what?                           
The learning channel it's not.                              
We're here, not for knitting                                
But merely bullshitting                                     
About chicks, pricks, boobies and twat.                     
                                                            
36285 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Dirruk                   



An Irish lass loves not her lover                           
So much as she loves his love of her.                       
Then loves she her lover                                    
For love of her lover,                                      
Or love of her love of her lover?                           
                                                            
36286 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Linda Marsh Coll         



When two Irishmen meet, it's all blather,                   
Talk of Blarney, the Guinness, or heather.                  
Their families and ways                                     
Back to the good old days;                                  
They don't even mention the weather.                        
                                                            
36287 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Arthur Pattaffy          



In O'Reilly's pub, a young lass                             
Reacted to Seamus's pass                                    
By kicking his throat,                                      
Then started to gloat,                                      
"You picked the wrong lass to harass."                      
                                                            
36288 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Anon                     



In Donnybrook dwells a strange race                         
So far from the Queen - what disgrace!                      
But they strive to be merry,                                
With pre-dinner sherry --                                   
And they toast her, and roast her, with grace!              
                                                            
36289 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Linda Marsh Coll         



A neat Irish maiden called Greta,                           
Was so short, she was less than a metre.                    
When told that her figure                                   
Would not grow any bigger,                                  
Said small packages always stay neater.                     
                                                            
36290 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Arthur Pattaffy          



If your longing for Ireland is troublin',                   
Have a Guiness; a pint black and bubblin'.                  
You're still missing the isle?                              
Have two more, wait awhile,                                 
Look outside and your view will be Dublin.                  
                                                            
36291 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Anon                     



An anthropologist know just as Jim                          
Said the Irish have always been dim.                        
But as for the Welsh,                                       
They're nothing much else,                                  
Than Irish that learned how to swim.                        
                                                            
36292 LOCATION - BRITAIN - IRISH     Friar              TP9806



And here's to the good old Cape Clear -                     
Where long after midnight flows beer.                       
And the Capers so gay                                       
Work twelve hours a day --                                  
At free grants and free dole they just jeer!                
                                                            
36293 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      Linda Marsh Coll         



There's nowt wrong with Manchester, pal,                    
Near there was born this young gal.                         
Our beer is better,                                         
But our climate is wetter;                                  
Pros and cons of each I could tell.                         
                                                            
36294 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      Joy Clare                



However in this I'll be fair,                               
British beer is beyond compare.                             
I've tried twenty-five,                                     
In pub, bar, and dive,                                      
Not one has equivalents here.                               
                                                            
36295 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      Mike Patterson  A4       



During opening hours at our pub,                            
There is plenty of drink and good grub.                     
If you want just a nibble,                                  
The Younger Miss Tribble                                    
Runs our ball games and Cockfighting Club.                  
                                                            
36296 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS                          G0164



For awhile, I will not be here;                             
I'll be off sucking down English beer                       
In the land of the Bard.                                    
Hope I find something hard;                                 
If I do you'll all hear me cheer.                           
                                                            
36297 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      Cheryl                   



A summer in England did vex                                 
Three American girls from South Hex.                        
Excessively British,                                        
The men were quite skittish,                                
And much preferred dartboards to sex.                       
                                                            
36298 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS                          G0663



A jolly old tippler named Charlie,                          
Engaged in a pub in a parley,                               
With a wink said, "I think                                  
That your drink's turning pink;                             
A sign of inferior barley."                                 
                                                            
36299 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      Cybergeezer              



The Brits are idiosyncratic                                 
And their driving is rather erratic.                        
There may not be sun                                        
But the pubs are great fun,                                 
And the sausage and mash aromatic.                          
                                                            
36300 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      PeterW                   



There was a young lady of Hub,                              
Went with her beau to the pub.                              
But her Momma espied her,                                   
To the bathroom, she hied her,                              
And Oh! how she made that girl scrub!                       
                                                            
36301 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS                               



Visit London and Edinburgh town;                            
Try Newcastle Ale which is brown.                           
And Lancashire's great.                                     
(If you're offered a plate                                  
Of black pudding, then try not to frown.)                   
                                                            
36302 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      PeterW                   



Pat and Mike loved their trip to the pub;                   
It was like having a sip at the club.                       
The joke of their lives:                                    
It was their poor wives,                                    
Who laid out the cash for their sub.                        
                                                            
36303 LOCATION - BRITAIN - PUBS      Arthur Pattaffy          



I offer this not to be snide,                               
But as merely a joke that's "inside."                       
I think it's amusing                                        
For Scots to be using                                       
"Bonnie" to describe the River Clyde.                       
                                                            
36304 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Loren Fitzhugh           



McCullough, a Scotsman named Jim,                           
Disliked Brits, but not on a whim.                          
He said, "They're not bright,                               
But when seen in the light,                                 
Some's not bad, like HER or like HIM.                       
                                                            
36305 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Jim Weaver Collection    



'Tis said that the city was built                           
By men with the rocks in their kilt.                        
So those phallic skyers                                     
Were really not spires,                                     
But boners no woman could wilt.                             
                                                            
36306 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



There was an old man of Kirkwall                            
Who could scarcely speak English at all.                    
But nevertheless                                            
He was quite a success                                      
At the last Caledonian ball.                                
                                                            
36307 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Randall Davies      P0900



An extravagant Scotsman, you say?                           
Who'd be willing to pay his own way?                        
Though told with conviction,                                
This story's pure fiction!                                  
They'll not give you the time of day!                       
                                                            
36308 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tiddy Ogg                



My Erm's set off north to the border,                       
To keep those damned Scotsmen in order,                     
And see how they're built,                                  
There under the kilt,                                       
But the mean bastards just can't afford her.                
                                                            
36309 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



How dare those damn Scots be so cheap!                      
Poor Ermintrude's price ain't that steep,                   
At least when compared                                      
To dimes that I've spared,                                  
To shepherds for time with the sheep!                       
                                                            
36310 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



A romantic extravagant Scottie,                             
From Glasgow went wooing the totty.   (dazed)               
They thought he was dotty                                   
And snotty and potty                                        
To call himself Donald Quixote.                             
                                                            
36311 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



Oh Edinburgh!  Wonderful city                               
Of sweet Caledonian titty.                                  
On every street                                             
There are girlies in heat                                   
With the choicest selection of kitty.                       
                                                            
36312 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



In the Gaelic world the old Celts                           
Dined on haggis and sometimes on smelts.                    
Their nights were all fair,                                 
Thanks to the highland air,                                 
And the fact they'd knocked back a few belts.               
                                                            
36313 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Jim Weaver Collection    



I think those Scots are all meanies,                        
Showing sights for their fellow obscenies.                  
Call Gandalf the Good                                       
To make things as they should,                              
For wee little Scot teeny weenies.                          
                                                            
36314 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tony Burrell             



A place where the lassies all "rear it"                     
And Scots make the finest of spirit;                        
The sheep eat the mash,                                     
Which farts out their gash,                                 
And burns where the shepherds don't shear it.               
                                                            
36315 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



On old Grandfather Mountain we spied                        
Lots of food, whether grilled, boiled, or fried.            
They had haggis right there                                 
To be eaten with care.                                      
We had fun as our time we did bide.                         
                                                            
36316 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Liam na Beag             



The kilts, skirts, and clothes made of leather!             
The dancers moved light as a feather.                       
There were claymores and dirks,                             
Hats, and bagpipes -- the works.                            
And the music agreed with the weather.                      
                                                            
36317 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Liam na Beag             



He did grimace and groan, and then grunt,                   
As he tried to pull off this big stunt.                     
The one goal is, my friend,                                 
To throw end over end                                       
A telephone pole to the front.                              
                                                            
36318 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Liam na Beag             



To race up Grandfather, they skirt                          
'Round the corners and rocks.  Be alert!                    
Wearing kilts, shorts, and flags                            
And their numbers on tags.                                  
'Tis a wondrous event, they assert.                         
                                                            
36319 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Liam na Beag             



This summer, I've seen Aberdeen                             
And quite sober, not under poteen.                          
But it's I who admires                                      
Its grey greatin' spires;                                   
The world's greyest city I've seen.                         
                                                            
36320 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Ulla                     



Is it Aberdeen, Scotland, you mean?                         
But it's springtime, not summer, my queen.                  
And I'll ask if I may,                                      
As Ulla might say,                                          
Just who is this chap called Poteen?                        
                                                            
36321 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Hugh Clary               



The dish is called Haggis, my sweet;                        
It's a Scottish culinary treat.                             
I'll describe it to ye                                      
Anatomically:                                               
It takes guts to make and to eat.                           
                                                            
36322 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Anon                     



In bitter and rain-sodden weather,                          
There's rarely a trace of a feather                         
Or even a squeak                                            
From the haggis who seek                                    
Out the sheltering warmth of the heather.                   
                                                            
36323 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



Next week up in Scotland I'll be                            
Eating platters of haggis for tea.                          
They're shot in the islands,                                
The lowlands and highlands                                  
From August to February.                                    
                                                            
36324 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



Apparently haggis are rife                                  
In an area centered on Fife;                                
But even in Norwich,                                        
They're chewing the porridge                                
That Scotsmen depend on for life.                           
                                                            
36325 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



All Scotsmen know haggis are built                          
To hide in a moor's bog of silt.                            
And when one is found,                                      
A Scotsman is bound                                         
To shoot the damn thing in the kilt.                        
                                                            
36326 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Travis Brasell           



I have found, but I don't mean to brag,                     
The pure bag of a haggis, with shag.                        
We can hunt it at night;                                    
I will drive it with fright,                                
And it's you can be holding the bag.                        
                                                            
36327 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Dennis Hammes            



As for haggis, 'tis best, so we've found,                   
To look where they'll surely abound.                        
You will find, if you shoot                                 
With Laphroaig, they'll be moot.                            
And it tastes oh so good, by the pound.                     
                                                            
36328 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Hilde na Beag            



And be careful when putting down snipe,                     
Hunters say as they smoke on their pipe.                    
They are real -- can be found                               
In the marshy-type ground.                                  
Ask Jack Daniel, he knows of their type.                    
                                                            
36329 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Hilde na Beag            



In the marshes behind my house,                             
Where my cats are apt for a mouse,                          
When the time is ripe,                                      
They sometimes catch snipe,                                 
But rarely a haggis or grouse.                              
                                                            
36330 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tony Burrell             



Said Old Jock: Of my race I'm so proud,                     
And I'll sing of the Scots long and loud.                   
Till the end of my days,                                    
All my brothers I'll praise,                                
Except Burke and Hare, Ally McLeod!                         
                                                            
36331 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Alexander Baron          



When Heather went out in the spring,                        
She took her young wet hairy thing.                         
And looked for a Jock                                       
With his untamed cock --                                    
She wanted a wild highland fling.                           
                                                            
36332 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Archie                   



At night when the haggis are ruttin',                       
Yon Peter is often a glutton.                               
He stealthily creeps                                        
With tatties and neeps,  (??)                               
Trying to get somethin' from mutton.                        
                                                            
36333 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



In Scotland, when lads whip their spankles,                 
And boast 'bout the size of their wankles,                  
With the aim to impress,                                    
'Tis I, no less,                                            
Who's kilted clean down to my ankles.                       
                                                            
36334 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     D O'Grady                



It's called Scottish mad sheep disease, lad;                
It's the worse epidemic we've had.                          
If you eat tainted meat,                                    
Red fur grows on your feet                                  
And your face turns a bright shade of plaid.                
                                                            
36335 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Anon                     



Begorrah, bejaysus, bejabers,                               
I thought I had Irish as neighbors.                         
But seems that they're not;                                 
They eat porridge a lot,                                    
Hunt for haggis and whittle their cabers.                   
                                                            
36336 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



Wear sporrans and kilts and say "Och                        
Aye the noo," after seven o'clock;                          
Murder bagpipes when frisky,                                
Down bottles of whiskey,                                    
And most, if not all, are called Jock.                      
                                                            
36337 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



This challenge I cannot refuse;                             
You've given us plenty of clues.                            
Perhaps they are Danish,                                    
Or maybe Ukrainish,                                         
But probably orthodox Jews.                                 
                                                            
36338 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tiddy Ogg                



So they hunt down some poor haggis and eat?                 
Wash it down with good whiskey replete?                     
Fling their cabers around.                                  
Moan and groan -- what a sound!                             
Could it be some Highlanders from Crete                     
                                                            
36339 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Hilde na Baeg            



Poorer but wiser is she;                                    
It cost her a trip 'cross the sea.                          
But she learned with great joy,                             
Not like a Yankee boy,                                      
Scotsmen do not unzip to pee.                               
                                                            
36340 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Lim of Month  Nov 2000   



Scotsmen are descended from trolls                          
That lived in the mountains like moles.                     
Don't look so askance;                                      
They wear skirts and not pants.                             
They can't get two legs in different holes!                 
                                                            
36341 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tony Burrell             



Amanda, who's always been hottish,                          
Had sex with a fellow who's Scottish.                       
He pulled up his kilt,                                      
Rammed her to the hilt,                                     
But now, sad to say, she's got twat itch.                   
                                                            
36342 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tony Burrell             



If planning a visit to Norwich,                             
We warn you; you may have to forage                         
For food, 'cause by nine                                    
There is nowhere to dine                                    
'Less you visit MacDonald's for porridge.                   
                                                            
36343 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



Not burgers; MacDonald's a Scot                             
Who keeps porridgy stuff in a pot                           
And says, "Och ay the noo",                                 
As he serves up the goo,                                    
Which is lumpy and not at all hot.                          
                                                            
36344 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



The lack of alternative dining                              
Has meant our inspectors declining                          
To offer to Norwich                                         
Awards for that porridge;                                   
So Angus MacDonald, stop whining.                           
                                                            
36345 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



John Wallace has called on Kate Mattagin;                   
They both in the moonbeam have sattagin;                    
Dear Kate raised John's kilt                                
To find no wee wilt.                                        
Delighted, Kate spread herself flattagin.                   
                                                            
36346 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     D O'Grady                



There're lots of those Scots who'll throw pots              
Of porridge for slighting their spots                       
Of beauty... Not many                                       
In Glasgow, but any                                         
Young lass there will rent out her twat.                    
                                                            
36347 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



Scots women are so full of passion,                         
Just chocolates and flowers not in fashion.                 
You should try much harder                                  
To fulfill her ardour,                                      
And into his arms she'll be dashin'.                        
                                                            
36348 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Jayne                    



There's an island off Scotland named Skye,                  
Which the rugged seascapes beautify,                        
Where the bagpipe's sound lilts,                            
And the cut of the kilts,                                   
Makes a guy really go for a guy.                            
                                                            
36349 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Don Moore           P9411



My love is now like a red rose,                             
Who's newly sprung a nude pose...                           
I'll come in a while,                                       
Though 'twere many a mile,                                  
All over you...nose down to toes.                           
                                                            
36350 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     TuttaGioia               



Ayr is a fine Scottish town,                                
So while I my trousers yank down,                           
I'll pick your red rose                                     
And strike my rude pose,                                    
And peel off your fleecy nightgown...                       
                                                            
36351 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Jayne                    



We Scots are inventive of mind,                             
In brains we do not lag behind.                             
James Watt, Logie Baird,                                    
Are some who have dared,                                    
To seek out what others can't find.                         
                                                            
36352 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tutta Gioia              



Maxwell and Wilson and Watt,                                
And Lipton with his famous yacht...                         
There is Hume, there is Smith,                              
Glenlivit's sweet whiff...                                  
For a country that's small, that's a lot.                   
                                                            
36353 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tutta Gioia              



The Dutch (I know one called Roland)                        
Live in completely flat Holland.                            
The height they will soar                                   
To prove they can bore,                                     
Is nowhere else known ('cept Sco'land)                      
                                                            
36354 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



If Scots talk you know, then ye ken,                        
That a mountain is always called ben,                       
And though it give mirth,                                   
Mouth of streams are called firth,                          
And a valley is oft called a glen.                          
                                                            
36355 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tiddy Ogg                



An Aberdeen jockey named Bright                             
Used only one spur (Scots are tight);                       
Being mocked, he sneered, "Sirs,                            
Who needs two costly spurs?                                 
The left side can't lose to the right!"                     
                                                            
36356 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Armand E Singer        22



For a Limey, I'm not rally snottish,                        
From the lassies were never standoffish.                    
I dated a few                                               
Lowlanders, true;                                           
They told me "Scots" and not "Scottish!"                    
                                                            
36357 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tutta                    



By a cozy peat fire in O'Dell,                              
Sat a Scot and a Mick, I hear tell.                         
"I'm full," cried O'Brien.                                  
Said McLeod, "Well, I'm buyin'."                            
Sure and now, that's a cold day in hell.                    
                                                            
36358 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Jim Weaver Collection    



A Scotsman was tossing his caber,                           
When along came Dolores, his neighbor.                      
She lifted his kilt;                                        
Found him very well built,                                  
And relieved the young man of his labour.                   
                                                            
36359 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tiddy Ogg                



Amanda, sweet lassie, was glad                              
That she had the 'hots' for that lad;                       
When she undulated,                                         
His 'bagpipe' inflated,                                     
And she blew a tune 'neath his plaid.                       
                                                            
36360 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Travis Brasell           



Now Shetland, when all's said and done,                     
Is where I should go to have fun.                           
And plenty of sport,                                        
But a sign at the port                                      
Says, "Sheep-shagging Sassenachs -- run!"                   
                                                            
36361 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Tiddy Ogg                



Although your late summer's been wet,                       
We can go sightseeing there yet.                            
So take me around                                           
Your favorite ground,                                       
And show me the Ayr of my pet.                              
                                                            
36362 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Archie                   



I could, of course, be very crude                           
And ask where you want to be screwed.                       
With the exception,                                         
My single objection:                                        
I'm not going back to Bermud(a)!                            
                                                            
36363 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Archie                   



The Scots are a race most spartan,                          
Whom defeat does not dishearten.                            
To wear a sporran                                           
Is not deemed foreign,                                      
Nor men in skirts of tartan.                                
                                                            
36364 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Richard Long             



In Scotland they have a strange custom;                     
If ever in Glascow, don't trust 'em.                        
They greet you instead                                      
With a nod of the head,                                     
And if you wear glasses, they'll bust 'em.                  
                                                            
36365 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Spru                     



One green lawn covers Scotland all o'er,                    
From the tops of the hills to down lower.                   
But God keeps it up fine                                    
With much rain and sunshine,                                
And a ten-million sheep-power mower.                        
                                                            
36366 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Anon                     



Last Monday to Glasgow I flew,                              
Arriving at 20:02;                                          
Got off of the plane                                        
In the sleet and the rain,                                  
And the gale and the hail and the snoo.                     
                                                            
36367 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



Met Angus the cab driver who                                
Said "Hoot mon" and "Och aye the noo."                      
Glaswegian I guessed,                                       
So I gave him my best                                       
Saying "Och aye the noo, to you, too."                      
                                                            
36368 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



He gave me a punch on the nose;                             
A typical greeting I suppose.                               
I mused in a daze                                           
On his jocular ways,                                        
And the trickle of blood on my toes.                        
                                                            
36369 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



I pondered on "Och aye the noo",                            
As off to Auld Glasgow we flew;                             
If anyone here                                              
Has a clearer idea                                          
What it means, will you give me a clue.                     
                                                            
36370 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



To Glasgow in any event,                                    
I wasn't supposed to be sent.                               
A message for me                                            
On arrival with glee                                        
Said, "It's Edinburgh Town what we meant."                  
                                                            
36371 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



So I've been tartaned 'gainst my wishes.                    
I hope I get no "Glasgow kisses".                           
That's "Och aye the noo"                                    
Applied to my floo!                                         
But if I am lucky, he misses.                               
                                                            
36372 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man from Back Bay,                        
Who said, "I don't think that I'm gay.                      
I'm quite neat and tidy,                                    
And first thing on Friday,                                  
I'm tossing that caber away."                               
                                                            
36373 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Bill Wall                



I simply adore it when men see                              
Me naked," said Mrs McKenzie,                               
Increasingly hot                                            
As she fingered her twat                                    
In a wild uninhibited frenzy.                               
                                                            
36374 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Peter Wilkins            



That gal was a damned noisy neighbor,                       
Who hollered one night, like in labor.                      
Then over the Glens                                         
Came ten of her friends,                                    
To find she was tossing my caber.                           
                                                            
36375 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     SFA                      



I've been to the land of the thistle,                       
Where westerly hurricanes whistle                           
Continuously                                                
And injuriously,                                            
'Round a gentleman's Trossachs and gristle.                 
                                                            
36376 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



But now I've returned to the land                           
Of the lim(b) and the mammary gland                         
And my Trossachs are thawing;                               
My gristle is soaring                                       
And warming my frost-bitten hand.                           
                                                            
36377 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



A village in Shetland called Twatt                          
(And there is one, believe it or not)                       
Shares a problem (not silly)                                
With Warwickshire's Willey;                                 
Its road signs get taken a lot.                             
                                                            
36378 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS                              



From the Firth of Forth came a low moan                     
From a seagull who wasn't alone.                            
An old Scot named McFee                                     
At his afternoon tea                                        
Threw and killed those two birds with one scone.            
                                                            
36379 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



The sights from this bus pack a punch,                      
But these roads have my gut in a bunch.                     
In addition to views                                        
Of green hilltops and ewes,                                 
I look forward to seeing my lunch.                          
                                                            
36380 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Anon                     



I mailed out a card to McDuff,                              
Hence it went to McKellar, who'd slough                     
It off to MacAulay,                                         
Thence McGregor had call, he                                
Then sent to McCann in the rough.                           
                                                            
36381 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Liam na Beag             



From McCann it was sent to McPhee,                          
Who McDougal made jump up with glee.                        
He forwarded tab                                            
To the blighter, McNab,                                     
Who forwarded it right back to me!                          
                                                            
36382 LOCATION - BRITAIN - SCOTS     Liam na Beag             



In Ballybunion some visitors will go                        
To see what no person should know.                          
But then there are tourists                                 
The purest of purists --                                    
Who say 'tis uncommonly low!                                
                                                            
36383 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Linda Marsh Coll         



Hello and goodbye once again.                               
I wish I was flying to Spain;                               
But no, I'm to go,                                          
With a hey nonny no,                                        
Up to Birmingham City by train.                             
                                                            
36384 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



I'm packing my kilt...No I'm not;                           
In Birmingham, no-one's a Scot.                             
This to-ing and fro-ing                                     
And coming and going                                        
Is why I'm now losing the plot.                             
                                                            
36385 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Okay, now I'm going to pack                                 
And borrow the neighborhood yak.                            
It carries my cases                                         
In various places,                                          
If carefully strapped on my back.                           
                                                            
36386 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



From Leicester I travelled to Bicester                      
And there met Lucinda's young sister,                       
Who squealed with delight                                   
And suggested a night                                       
Having fun in the buff playing twister.                     
                                                            
36387 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



From Bicester I sailed on to Towcester                      
By means of canal boat and coaster.                         
And who should I meet                                       
On the tow-path but sweet                                   
Cousin Fifi demanding I roust her.                          
                                                            
36388 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



And later, returning to Leicester                           
By way of both Worcester and Cheicester,                    
I couldn't say "No"                                         
To a threesome with Flo                                     
And her daughter, voluptuous Ester.                         
                                                            
36389 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



The boss said. "I need you today                            
At a meeting in London."  "No way",                         
I replied and said, "Go                                     
Forth and multiply."  "No",                                 
He said. "Dammit", I muttered, "OK."                        
                                                            
36390 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL                             



An hour and three-quarters by train                         
For a half-an-hour meeting; a pain.                         
It was yacketty-yak                                         
Then I had to get back;                                     
Took an hour and three-quarters again.                      
                                                            
36391 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



A young man attempted to woo                                
A young bus conductress from Kew.                           
But she told him "Hey!                                      
You can't go the whole way;                                 
I'm afraid you must stop at zone 2."                        
                                                            
36392 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Richard Long             



I stood alone on platform 2,                                
The skies were grey, the trains were blue.                  
I cannot solve                                              
How we evolve,                                              
Yet never really change at Crewe.                           
                                                            
36393 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Richard Long             



In Cornwall a summer of joy                                 
I long ago spent in old Foy.                                
I'd lie with my lover,                                      
While 'neath the bed cover,                                 
With laughs she'd play at being coy.                        
                                                            
36394 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL                             



To a London car rental I strode;                            
I might not have gone If I'd knowed.                        
I'd go in and out                                           
On that blamed 'round about                                 
And drive on the wrong side of the road.                    
                                                            
36395 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Shelby Forrest           



I met with Lucinda from Leicester                           
And knew straight away I'd impressed her.                   
For down on her knees,                                      
She went begging me, "Please..."                            
So I whipped out my dong and possessed her.                 
                                                            
36396 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady from Worcester,                      
Whose build was a hormonal booster.                         
When she came down to Yale,                                 
She made all the men pale,                                  
Till one of them reached out and goosed her.                
                                                            
36397 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Ward Hardman             



I'd dearly love to go back                                  
To see more antique bric-a-brac.                            
The people are neat,                                        
The history's a treat,                                      
But the food all belongs in a sack.                         
                                                            
36398 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Mike Patterson  A2       



Of castles we've more than a score,                         
(On the borders of Wales, even more.)                       
And Devon is pleasant                                       
For dining on pheasant;                                     
I hope you'll have time to explore.                         
                                                            
36399 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Security at Heathrow Airport,                               
Fills the intellects with fear and thought.                 
But meanwhile, 'The Times'                                  
Fills up the mob's minds                                    
With Celebs and Gossip and Sport.                           
                                                            
36400 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL                             



It seems I've no choice but to go                           
Where northernly hurricanes blow;                           
Where Brenda (The Queen)                                    
And her corgis are seen                                     
Tossing cabers and stuff in the snow.                       
                                                            
36401 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



It's there that tomorrow I fly;                             
"But why should I go?" grumbled I.                          
"Because," said the Boss,                                   
Talking nonsense and dross,                                 
"I've just told you to do so, is why."                      
                                                            
36402 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



"Okay, my conditions are these,"                            
I said as I rose from my knees,                             
"I'll claim recompense                                      
With expenses immense,                                      
And a two-year sabbatical, please."                         
                                                            
36403 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Excuse me, but could you explain                            
Where I go for the Birmingham train?                        
Yes, I thought that too,                                    
But it looks like a loo.                                    
Well, thank you.  I'll try it again.                        
(loo - public toilet in the old country)                    
36404 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Mark Wainwright          



The girls here in Essex are easy,                           
But Sharon's disgustingly sleazy;                           
The sticky wet stuff                                        
Oozing out of her muff,                                     
Is enough to make anyone queasy.                            
                                                            
36405 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    SFA                      



In Surrey, they're good in the sack                         
And gag for the juices they lack.                           
But each time I squeeze                                     
The goo 'twixt her knees,                                   
She's bloody well sneezing it back.                         
                                                            
36406 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    SFA                      



Here in London, it's far more a chore,                      
For gents to find an adequate whore;                        
Though in tight denim skirts,                               
They tease, rouse, and flirt;                               
'Tween their legs, one can seldom explore.                  
                                                            
36407 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Just ply them with orange juice, mate,                      
And slip in a vodka or eight;                               
By ten of the clock,                                        
They'll be gagging for cock,                                
And will barely be able to wait.                            
                                                            
36408 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Down here in the heathlands of Hants,                       
We've horse-riding girls with no pants.                     
That's all very well,                                       
But it sure hurts like hell,                                
When horse hairs get stuck in your lance.                   
                                                            
36409 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Tiddy Ogg                



But it could be worse, I suppose.                           
In Leeds, girls refuse to expose.                           
But by paying high prices                                   
For periscopic devices,                                     
One can just see the tips of their toes.                    
                                                            
36410 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Stefan Marianski         



I'm home from my trip to the U.K.;                          
I had lots of fun, I must say.                              
Saw a few of the sights;                                    
Spent a few late, late nights.                              
I think I'll go back there one day.                         
                                                            
36411 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Cheryl                   



I wish I weren't going away                                 
This dreary and gloomy wet day,                             
Up north where the quim                                     
Is unbearably grim,                                         
And the mills are satanic and grey.                         
                                                            
36412 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



To stay in a hovel so bleak,                                
That even the light-fittings leak                           
whenever it rains;                                          
Not to mention the drains                                   
And the cold I shall suffer all week.                       
                                                            
36413 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Accosted each day in the sleet,                             
By haggard old tarts on the street;                         
"Hey geezer!" they'll shout,                                
"Wanna 'andjob or owt?                                      
For a fiver we'll do you a treat."                          
                                                            
36414 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Their offers of course I'll decline;                        
With luck I'll find somewhere to dine;                      
Which doubtless, I fear,                                    
Will be burgers and beer,                                   
And return to the hovel by nine.                            
                                                            
36415 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



Then out before eight in the rain,                          
To trudge off to work once again.                           
By 'eck, how abysmal;                                       
I'm feeling quite dismal,                                   
Despondent and likely insane.                               
                                                            
36416 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Peter Wilkins            



In your room, 5-stars standard, you'll see                  
That the chambermaid ("Hi Sir, I'm Lucy,                    
And I'll be right at hand                                   
To obey your command...")                                   
Is most willing and young, pert, and juicy.                 
                                                            
36417 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Ulla                     



As for drudgery, weather and such,                          
I lack trust in your words here as much.                    
You will suffer no harm                                     
Where it's sunny and warm,                                  
Or at least has some tropical touch.                        
                                                            
36418 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Ulla                     



Winterbourne Abbas, Combe Bisset                            
And Puddletown; places to visit.                            
Last night in my sleep                                      
I was thinking of Eype ...                                  
(I said Eype; I know sheep are exquisite).                  
                                                            
36419 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL                             



I dreamt I was shagging the sheep                           
(I mean climbing the hills around Eype);                    
I was tossing and turning                                   
With longing and yearning,                                  
And fell out of bed in a heap.                              
                                                            
36420 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL                             



There's a river down Dorsetshire way                        
Known as Piddle or Puddle, I say.                           
Just ask Tiddy, he'll know --                               
But it's ceasing to flow;                                   
It's a wee piddle puddle today.                             
                                                            
36421 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL                             



"The next station will be Tottenham Hale",                  
The announcer announced without fail,                       
"Stand clear of the doors",                                 
She announced without pause,                                
"Please change here for overground rail."                   
                                                            
36422 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Richard Long             



Spent a week in London this spring;                         
Saw many a wonderful thing,                                 
The jewels in the Tower,                                    
Where kings wielded power,                                  
And partied in medieval flings.                             
                                                            
36423 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Mike Patterson  A1       



There is a small country called Wales,                      
Where the trains run on narrow-guage rails.                 
The people eat leek                                         
At least once a week,                                       
And the choirs are all full of males.                       
                                                            
36424 LOCATION - BRITAIN - TRAVEL    Richard Long             



In London's old Berkeley Square                             
(Where the nightingales sing if they dare),                 
I remember a night                                          
Of quite frenzied delight,                                  
With my girl friend, Elizabeth-Claire.                      
                                                            
36425 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



She said, "I can't wait for a boff."                        
As she ripped her silk panties right off;                   
And the pressure of steam                                   
Got me itching to cream,                                    
'Til I heard that damn nightingale cough.                   
                                                            
36426 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



Not Far from the Madd(en)ing Crowd                          
I was born down in Dorset and proud                         
Of it. (Boasting I spurn;                                   
So I won't say the Cerne                                    
Abbas Giant's the lesser endowed.)                          
(what is this? - McW)                                       
36427 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



From your site I went straight to the pub;                  
Got real drunk then I soaked in a tub.                      
The size was amazing;                                       
Could not keep from gazing                                  
At the Giant on the hill's massive club!                    
                                                            
36428 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



It's true that the Hotel du Lac                             
Is awash with ripe crumpet; but back                        
Here in Essex you say,                                      
That it's never that way,                                   
And that nothing goes on in the sack.                       
                                                            
36429 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



Now how would you know that, dear Ogg,                      
Is Southampton surrounded by fog?                           
There are many young girls                                  
Here with cute little curls                                 
Who'll charge nothing to straighten your log.               
                                                            
36430 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



So boring is Clacton-on-Sea,                                
That they're grateful to do it for free;                    
They're so desperate to screw                               
They will even pay you,                                     
And they'll rip off their panties with glee.                
                                                            
36431 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



And 'fore you say, "Bet they've got fleas."                 
Or some other disgusting disease;                           
Let me tell you, my friend,                                 
Unlike girls in Southend,                                   
They're just horny and eager to please.                     
                                                            
36432 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



To find a good roll in the hay                              
With not even one centime to pay,                           
Just try turning your back                                  
On the Hotel du Lac;                                        
Come to Clacton-on-Sea for a day.                           
                                                            
36433 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



This lim, Tiddy Ogg's, no defence                           
Of the girlies this side of the fence;                      
In fact most of the Sharons                                 
And Traceys and Karens                                      
Are really quite stupid and dense.                          
                                                            
36434 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



But hey! Who needs brains when you're screwing,             
Or chewing or otherwise doing.                              
Just try it today,                                          
For there's nothing to pay,                                 
And no sailors or tourists are queuing.                     
                                                            
36435 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



I once knew a poor cringing Limey,                          
With his teeth all yellow and slimy;                        
Tongue covered in thrush                                    
For lack of a brush.                                        
Kiss one?  Not me!  Cor Blimey!                             
                                                            
36436 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy                    



Then Julie, my Honey, come here;                            
I wash almost twice every year.                             
So come suck my donga,                                      
To make it still longa,                                     
And then perhaps I'll buy you a beer.                       
                                                            
36437 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



For everyone here I provide                                 
A Colchester limerick guide.                                
The verses are clean                                        
And the photos serene;                                      
But I'll leave it to you to decide.                         
                                                            
36438 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



A swell town.  It's charming and nice.                      
You've hinted of some long past vice,                       
But still kept it clean,                                    
Describing each scene,                                      
So where are the pictures with spice?                       
                                                            
36439 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Marlene Lewis            



'Bout pictures of spice I thought twice;                    
The nurses are 'specially nice.                             
But maybe a hunk                                            
With an elephant's trunk                                    
In his pants, is more your sort of spice.                   
                                                            
36440 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



For those who say Essex is flat,                            
These pics will dissuade you of that.                       
This here is North Hill;                                    
There are steeper ones still.                               
And at the top of them all I have sat.                      
                                                            
36441 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



It's here that the mayor had a berth,                       
Especially designed for his girth;                          
He wobbles around                                           
When he's booted and gowned,                                
Causing residents rollicking mirth.                         
                                                            
36442 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The house on the left has a list;                           
Its beams have a frightening twist.                         
But up it still stays,                                      
Like a gentleman sways,                                     
While pretending he's not at all pissed.                    
                                                            
36443 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



This new bit of Colchester proves                           
It's "with it" and modern and grooves.                      
(The girl on the right                                      
Isn't half a bad sight.                                     
Bet she bounces around as she moves.)                       
                                                            
36444 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The "Tymperleys" mansion is posh;                           
The owners are toff who say "gosh!"                         
Or "golly" and stuff,                                       
And they've more than enough                                
Of the readies, the lucre, the dosh.                        
                                                            
36445 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



A picture on Trinity Street:                                
The church which is tiny and neat,                          
Was built by a Saxon,                                       
Young beowulf Jackson,                                      
Who wedded his flaxen-haired sweet.                         
                                                            
36446 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The pub on the left is all right.                           
The landlady, though, is a fright;                          
She looks awful grim,                                       
'Til the daylight get dim,                                  
And looks really lovely at night.                           
                                                            
36447 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



What's left of the old castle keep;                         
The rest of it fell in a heap.                              
'Twas built by the French                                   
Who can dig a good trench,                                  
But can only build walls on the cheap.                      
                                                            
36448 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



In the center of town is the park,                          
Where residents go for a lark;                              
It's often quite fun                                        
In the summer-time sun,                                     
And a hot-bed of sin after dark.                            
                                                            
36449 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



This street of old houses serene,                           
All prettily painted and clean,                             
Was once where the goings                                   
And to-ings and fro-ings                                    
Were nothing much short of obscene.                         
                                                            
36450 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Another of Maidenburgh Street,                              
Where maidens exceedingly sweet                             
Were given to riot;                                         
But now it's a quiet                                        
Respectable bourgeois retreat.                              
                                                            
36451 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The hospital near where I be                                
Is there in the distance, you see.                          
You'll know from my verses                                  
That pretty young nurses                                    
Are somewhat attactive to me.                               
                                                            
36452 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The Dutch built these houses, you know,                     
Some forty-odd decades ago.                                 
They knew is was better,                                    
For Holland is wetter                                       
And here was less likely to snow.                           
                                                            
36453 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The Stockwell Arms pub is a gas;                            
The barmaids have plently of class.                         
Just ask for a jar                                          
Of real ale at the bar;                                     
They will pour you a heavenly glass.                        
                                                            
36454 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The Colne makes a pretty nice view,                         
Dividing the town into two.                                 
To the right of the thicket                                 
Of willows, the cricket,                                    
Club once beat a team from Peru.                            
                                                            
36455 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Live here and you'll oft hear the thud                      
Of water when river's in flood.                             
The residents fret                                          
About getting so wet,                                       
But the mud is quite good for the blood.                    
                                                            
36456 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Take sixteen year old Maisie Phipps,                        
An expert at grinding her hips                              
On boys with a horn;                                        
I must now them warn,                                       
To buy her not one bag of chips.                            
(How you tell an orgasm on Essex girl?  She drops her chips)
36457 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



And what about Bill's donkey, Mabel?                        
No more will he feel that he's able                         
To quench his lust's need                                   
For a carrot or Swede,                                      
On warm summer nights in her stable.                        
                                                            
36458 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



So bang go my chances to bed                                
Young Deb for a sweetie, he said?                           
That seems a bit mean                                       
For she's only fifteen                                      
And adores licking lollipops red.                           
                                                            
36459 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



Not all Essex girlies munch chips                           
While expertly grinding their hips;                         
There's many who favour                                     
The spicier flavour                                         
Of nachos and savoury dips.                                 
                                                            
36460 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



Indeed there are ladies so posh                             
Their favorite on-the-job nosh                              
Is toffee .. to muffle                                      
The raucous kerfuffle                                       
They make when excited, by gosh.                            
                                                            
36461 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



For though it well pleases us boys                          
To hear what a lady enjoys,                                 
An Essex girl's bawling                                     
And screeching's appalling                                  
And far from erotica noise.                                 
                                                            
36462 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



Here's another old tale from tradition,                     
I leave it to you -- fact or fiction?                       
Concerning some fools                                       
Living in Hartlepool,                                       
Reproduced here without their permission.                   
                                                            
36463 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



When with Emperor Napoleon at war,                          
Did a British ship off the coat moor,                       
And a monkey, a pet                                         
Of the captain's, was swept,                                
From his percch, and did then swim ashore.                  
                                                            
36464 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



A policeman was very soon called;                           
He looked at the ape, quite appalled.                       
And loudly did cry,                                         
"He must be a spy!"                                         
And to jail then the poor beast was hauled.                 
                                                            
36465 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



And before a great judge the nest day,                      
Not a word that made sense did he say.                      
"'Tis obious me lud,                                        
The fellow's a dud,                                         
He's parleying bloody Francais!"                            
                                                            
36466 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



The verdict was judged true and fair,                       
This foreigner covered with hair,                           
Was guilty as sin.                                          
So they grabbed hold of him,                                
And hanged him there in the town square.                    
                                                            
36467 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Though sad, every word here is true,                        
Told to me as I've told it to you,                          
By my great-uncle's brother,                                
Whose niece knew the mother                                 
Of the ship's captain's third cousin, Hugh.                 
                                                            
36468 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



He was short like he stood in a trench?                     
And covered with hair?  A foul stench?                      
And makes a weird noise                                     
When his voice he employs?                                  
No wonder they thought he was French.                       
                                                            
36469 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   MrMalo                   



The sweet little girlies of Hants   (Hampshire)             
Wear nowt down below when they dance.                       
The girlies of Hunts   (Huntingdonshire)                    
Though, with oversize cunts,                                
Wear fucking enormous great pants.                          
                                                            
36470 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The first rumor, I cannot scotch;                           
I've been to the dance halls to watch                       
Reflections, real good                                      
From the floor's polished wood,                             
Of acres of feminine crotch.                                
                                                            
36471 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



That must be a sight to behold,                             
So sweaty, so hairy, so bold,                               
And so much to the pound                                    
That the rumors abound                                      
That the valleys contain liquid gold.                       
                                                            
36472 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Cubby                    



The venerable city of Mold                                  
Has a history that needs to be told.                        
Old King Toadstool of Sot                                   
Slew Lord Fungus of Rot                                     
Before dying of dampness and cold.                          
                                                            
36473 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Anon                     



The fortunes of Toadstool went sour;                        
Soon he also fell, to Lord Scour.                           
And Scour, the slime,                                       
To the baron von Grime                                      
Whose quick fate, like his face, was most dour.             
                                                            
36474 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Anon                     



For Grime before Mildew did fold;                           
Mildew's holdings to Muck soon were sold.                   
Then Muck lost in his war                                   
With King Silt of South Spore,                              
And in time, from dank Spore sprang up Mold.                
                                                            
36475 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Anon                     



Midway between Penzance and Dover,                          
And 30-odd miles south of Lover,                            
In the county of Hants,                                     
Where gals drop their pants,                                
And urge you to get your leg over...                        
                                                            
36476 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



So why am I so sheep-fixated,                               
If all of the girls are as stated?                          
Just hobble their feet,                                     
They won't scream, just bleat,                              
And sue not when thus violated.                             
                                                            
36477 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



The Tatchbury girls, too, are good;                         
That's where an old nut-house once stood.                   
I think it's pulled down,                                   
Or I'd sure be found                                        
Within its walls, pulling my pud.                           
                                                            
36478 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



Oh dear, what a sin of omission!                            
Your pardon I'll beg, with contrition.                      
I claim to have scored                                      
In most every ward.                                         
I'll tell you now with your permission.                     
                                                            
36479 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



There's lovely girls, tall short and burly,                 
In Warsash and Swayling and Shirley.                        
But those in Freemantle                                     
Prefer a fat candle,                                        
To place in their hair, short and curly.                    
                                                            
36480 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



In Northam, West End and St Mary's,                         
Most all of them long lost their cherries,                  
And will fuck you for pennies.                              
But up at St Denys,                                         
You'll find all the blokes are all fairies.                 
                                                            
36481 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



This whole sad electoral scene,                             
On which just the lawyers are keen,                         
Suggests that you Yanks,                                    
With most grateful thanks,                                  
Could come back, be ruled by our queen.                     
                                                            
36482 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



You'd not have this crass altercation,                      
With permanent head of the nation.                          
Come back and be British...                                 
You may though be skittish,                                 
Of 223 years back taxation.                                 
                                                            
36483 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



At this point in time I admit,                              
I wouldn't mind being a Brit.                               
It would be kinda neat,                                     
But to drive down the street                                
On the wrong side, would give me a fit.                     
                                                            
36484 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



In Chester with Jessie I messed,                            
In Leister 'twas Hester I pressed.                          
Young Trudy from Chesterfield                               
Was truly the best I feeled,                                
But Tessa's the best of the rest.                           
                                                            
36485 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



That Hester of Leicester's young sister                     
(I goosed her in Worcester and Bicester)                    
Was beautiful Julie;                                        
I wooed her in Breulieu                                     
But mostly in Towcester I kissed her.                       
                                                            
36486 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Flat old Norfolk I left because he                          
Didn't let me woo him in Costessey.                         
Though I'd gladly sinned 'em                                
In pretty li'l Wyndham,                                     
They weren't bright; were they or was he.                   
                                                            
36487 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Kitten                   



I admit Sir, that I've never been                           
To Essex, and thus I've not seen                            
These girls that they dub,                                  
In the jargon, old scrub-                                   
Bers, because of course they're so clean.                   
                                                            
36488 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



Their price, though's a certain attraction,                 
I'll get on that old railway traction,                      
I'll come up to Ipswich,                                    
And find me a hip bitch,                                    
To see if she gives satisfaction.                           
                                                            
36489 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



'Cause as I get on now, in years,                           
I can't catch the New Forest deer.                          
They run too damn fast,                                     
When I catch them at last,                                  
I'm too tired to shag them I fear.                          
                                                            
36490 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES                            



The ancient Brits had their abode                           
In Oggland, as eveyone knowed,                              
When history was taught                                     
The way that it ought,                                      
And painted their faces in woad.                            
                                                            
36491 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



On cliffs down at Lepe one such strode,                     
Saw ships, and he knew that it bode                         
Sore ill for his folks,                                     
'Cause those strange foreign blokes                         
Soon put them to work building roads.                       
                                                            
36492 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



They builded those roads long and straight,                 
But why?  Listen and I'll relate                            
'Twas so as to stop                                         
Fellows opening a shop                                      
On each corner, and profits create.                         
                                                            
36493 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Later, the Romans went home;                                
They sailed their ships over the foam.                      
The empire was crumbling,                                   
And some folks were mumbling                                
The mantra: There's no place like Rome.                     
                                                            
36494 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



The site of the next land-grab scramble,                    
Was Calshot, or Totton, or Hamble.                          
'Twas Cedric the Saxon                                      
Whom I'll give you the facts on,                            
If ever I end this preamble.                                
                                                            
36495 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Cedric, he may be a Jute;                                   
My old brain is not so acute.                               
'Round four eighty three,                                   
Crossed over the sea,                                       
Found cider, got pissed as a newt.                          
                                                            
36496 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



They landed; their boats they had moored,                   
And inland the ravening horde,                              
Then weaved their drunk way,                                
With many a fray,                                           
As Chesterton once did record.*                             
(rolling English drunks made rolling English roads)         
36497 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



And so, on to 1066,                                         
The one date that all Brit kids fix                         
In mind; Yes that stonker,                                  
Old Willy the Conker,                                       
Arrived for to ravage our chicks.                           
                                                            
36498 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



He thought the new forest was grand,                        
So from it all peasants were banned.                        
There deer he would hunt.                                   
But he was such a skunk,                                    
To chuck all those folk from their land.                    
                                                            
36499 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



So manys the time he was cursed,                            
And often in grief was immersed.                            
Most kin met their fate,                                    
Ere their natural date,                                     
As payment from those treated worst.                        
                                                            
36500 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Bill 2, known as Rufus the Red,                             
Was one such, got shot in the head,                         
By one Tyrrell, Sir Walt,                                   
Who'd been at the malt                                      
And hops and the pub, so 'tis said.                         
                                                            
36501 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



The Rufus Stone marks this palaver;                         
To view if you wish, but on farther,                        
The Sir Walter Tyrrel                                       
A pub, run by Cyril,                                        
Stands waiting, go there if you'd rather.                   
                                                            
36502 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Just east of Ascot is Staines,                              
Which has no taxis or trains;                               
But the worst of them all?                                  
Yes it's Bagshot,  Appall-                                  
Ing a place, Full of Turpin's remains.                      
                                                            
36503 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Dick Turpin, a highwayman bold,                             
Would by now, be quite rigid with cold.                     
He was hanged for a crime                                   
A considerable time                                         
Ago; robbing rich of their gold.                            
                                                            
36504 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



I stayed in a guest house in Staines                        
And at night heard the clanking of chains.                  
Saw a guy with his head                                     
In his hands by my bed;                                     
And I'm sure it has scrambbled my brains.                   
                                                            
36505 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Except for weekends, very soon,                             
I'll be working away much of June;                          
'Til the solstice, perhaps,                                 
When those Druid-like chaps                                 
Wait for dawn at stone henges and moon.                     
                                                            
36506 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



But this year they've promised revenge,                     
Have those lunatic chaps at Stonehenge,                     
For they all caught the pox                                 
There last June from the box                                
Of young Dawn from the village of Penge.                    
                                                            
36507 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Peter Wilkins            



The Welsh girl that I like to kiss                          
I do, oh so sorely, miss.                                   
She loves lager and lime;                                   
Drinking it all the time,                                   
And not ever taking a piss.                                 
                                                            
36508 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tony Burrell             



Have you heard of Emrhys, my boy?                           
A Welshman who's really not coy.                            
He'll sort out your lass,                                   
Who'll have terrible gas;                                   
One good squeeze and she'll be full of joy.                 
                                                            
36509 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tony Burrell             



In America, "Welch's" is grape;                             
Which may be an insidious jape.                             
But fermented, it passes,                                   
And girls wearing glasses,                                  
Are unnecessary to rape.                                    
                                                            
36510 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Dennis Hammes            



The Welsh flower's the daffodil;                            
If anyone likes it, a Taff will.                            
Comes up in the spring                                      
And they start to sing;                                     
Makes everyone else want to kill!                           
                                                            
36511 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tony Burrell             



The Irish flower's the Shamrock;                            
Criticise and they'll knock off your block.                 
So long's they can fight,                                   
They'll be quite alright,                                   
Then drink 'til it fills up their socks.                    
                                                            
36512 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tony Burrell             



The English flower's the rose;                              
It is mighty flashy and shows                               
It's not a misnomer,                                        
With its sweet aroma                                        
'Cause they get up everyone's nose.                         
                                                            
36513 LOCATION - BRITAIN - ZSERIES   Tony Burrell             



A spinster from Medicine hat                                
On guard just "for thee" duly sat;                          
And the Yanks were afraid                                   
To encroach or invade --                                    
She was 54-40' and fat.                                     
                                                            
36514 LOCATION - CANADA              J P Slugworthy        89b



In response to your recent request:                         
I'm a woman in Canada (west).                               
My age?  That's debatable;                                  
To reveal it's X-ratable,                                   
Is what I've decided is best.                               
                                                            
36515 LOCATION - CANADA              Edward Leer              



Canada (I wonder which county)                              
I have there a friend who's a Mountie.                      
He's honest and decent.                                     
To my knowledge (recent)                                    
And fights off the crime for a bounty.                      
                                                            
36516 LOCATION - CANADA              Lightbulb                



I come from a place that ya heard'a                         
in the news recently... Alberta.                            
The place with mad cow                                      
I'm not quite sure how                                      
We got it, but that is the word, uh.                        
                                                            
36517 LOCATION - CANADA                                       



Hip hooray for the ladies of Sicamous,                      
Be they russet, brunette or auricomous,                     
And whose ripe womanhood                                    
With its attributes, would                                  
Be enough to make Calvin polygamous!                        
                                                            
36518 LOCATION - CANADA              Keith MacMillan      100c



Though they say Baffin Land is quite pretty,                
Its location's a bit of a pity.                             
'Twould be nice to up anchor                                
And tow it by tanker                                        
And moor it outside Quebec city.                            
                                                            
36519 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          113a



As he strolled on the water, our mod                        
Prime Minister mumbled, "How odd!                           
My two sons were born                                       
On Christmas day morn,                                      
Which makes me one better than God."                        
                                                            
36520 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          120d



In la plus belle province de Quebec                         
Live beaucoup belles femmes it beaux mecs.                  
But they bundled up tight                                   
In the darkness of night.                                   
When Quebec the ice storm did wreck.                        
                                                            
36521 LOCATION - CANADA              Sumaq              TP9802



The passing of Bill 22                                      
Has split our two cultures, it's true.                      
So now when we meet                                         
In silence complete,                                        
We just eat and we drink and we screw.                      
                                                            
36522 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          120b



I really have been in the County.                           
I have worked at catching a Mountie.                        
They're no Mounties here,                                   
Just cowboys and beer.                                      
I'll tape one down if there's a bounty.                     
                                                            
36523 LOCATION - CANADA              Marlene                  



The client brought Simba to meet us,                        
And although we made a discrete fuss,                       
Someone called the police,                                  
"Come quick, keep the peace!"                               
They just thought the lion might eat us.                    
                                                            
36524 LOCATION - CANADA              Marlene                  



I petted the lion -- it's true!                             
But really, between me and you,                             
I could pet a man                                           
With much more elan.                                        
Just touching a cat's a breakthrough.                       
                                                            
36525 LOCATION - CANADA              Marlene                  



The pilot was wiggling the wing!                            
I don't want to ride that damn thing.                       
It might fall apart                                         
Right after we start.                                       
I think it is made from old string.                         
                                                            
36526 LOCATION - CANADA              Marlene                  



The wings have been fixed with a patch;                     
The cabin has many a loose hatch.                           
They do not serve booze!                                    
My lunch I will lose,                                       
As soon as this plane they dispatch                         
                                                            
36527 LOCATION - CANADA              Marlene                  



I can't stick around here and chat;                         
I'm flitting off like a dingbat.                            
I'm leaving again                                           
Just for the weeken';                                       
Be back before you can say SCAT!                            
                                                            
36528 LOCATION - CANADA              Marlene                  



Suggested her lover, Bill Bundy,                            
"I know just the place: Bay of Fundy";                      
His girlfriend agreed,                                      
"I'm tempted indeed,                                        
But never, not ever, on Sunday."                            
                                                            
36529 LOCATION - CANADA              Armand E Singer       835



Come to Canada! Fuck and enjoy!                             
Girls are ample and willing -- Ahoy!                        
Come have sex every day,                                    
Copulate, screw and play!                                   
(Girls: Our rods are as hard as alloy).                     
                                                            
36530 LOCATION - CANADA              Nik Synytskyy            



Said the Archer with due modesty,                           
"If Toronto you're coming to see,                           
And you have time to spare,                                 
Take a stroll through the square --                         
Watch the people watch people watch me."                    
                                                            
36531 LOCATION - CANADA              Alan McLachlin        59b



You'd be wise not to look with disdain                      
Through the windows of Chateau Champlain.                   
Though they offer, 'tis true,                               
A half-circular view,                                       
Better half of a glass than no pain.                        
                                                            
36532 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver           48b



It is peaceful up north -- that is true,                    
But the folk have their privations too,                     
'Cause at sixty below                                       
The bananas don't grow                                      
And even the movies are blue.                               
                                                            
36533 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          115a



Old Dief's oratorical pride                                 
Flows on like a torrent's high tide.                        
A great river bed                                           
One foot deep at the head;                                  
At the mouth almost half a mile wide.                       
                                                            
36534 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          122a



When questioned concerning her view,                        
A tourist replied that she knew                             
The meaning quite well                                      
Of the letters FL                                           
And would relish a stab at the Q.                           
                                                            
36535 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver           50b



Most Canadians happen to dwell                              
Near the forty-ninth north parallel                         
And observing the states,                                   
Offer thanks to the fates                                   
That old Brock and his boys fought so well.                 
                                                            
36536 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          117a



Jean Drapeau, though a dreamer perchance,                   
Can envision his city's advanace                            
Till it spreads all the way                                 
Up to far Hudson Bay                                        
And the Metro's connected to France.                        
                                                            
36537 LOCATION - CANADA              Keith MacMillan       50a



Although he will do you no harm,                            
The spectre of General Montcalm                             
On long summer nights                                       
Wanders Abraham's Heights                                   
Bidding someone to sound the alarm.                         
                                                            
36538 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          122c



"O Canada" let us all sing                                  
Till the birds in the forest take wing.                     
I know that the words                                       
Were meant for the birds;                                   
But it's better than "God Save The King."                   
                                                            
36539 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          123a



Limerick is south of Regina,                                
Where I dallied with dear Angelina,                         
But the chick was so hairy,                                 
I didn't long tarry,                                        
When I couldn't untwine her vagina.                         
                                                            
36540 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Clary               



A lecher from old Saskatoon                                 
Did all his best leching at noon,                           
Till he made rather free                                    
With the Rose of Tralee,                                    
By the Light of the Silvery Moon.                           
                                                            
36541 LOCATION - CANADA              Keith MacMillan       83a



We started with colonization                                
Proceeding to Confederation.                                
We've fought a few wars                                     
And now take a pause                                        
For nation identification.                                  
                                                            
36542 LOCATION - CANADA              F P Hughes, Ontario  120a



During Winter, up north in The Pas,                         
An acquaintance one told me, in awe,                        
"They go naked," he said,                                   
"Up to ten to a bed!"                                       
An example of life in the raw.                              
                                                            
36543 LOCATION - CANADA              Keith MacMillan       82a



Macdonald won great reputation                              
Giving birth to our glorious nation;                        
But there's rumors that say                                 
In his cups Sir John A.                                     
Fathered more than Confederation.                           
                                                            
36544 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          122d



A seven-foot Newfie named Leather                           
Searched long for a wife of like feather.                   
He failed in his quest                                      
Then chose second best,                                     
Took two short ones and screwed them together               
                                                            
36545 LOCATION - CANADA              Hamish Bawdy Blows  P0204



Said the Sieur de la Salle, "Let us pray                    
That we make it to China today.                             
It's a good sign we've been                                 
Several leagues past Lachine                                
And have met not one maudit Anglais!"                       
                                                            
36546 LOCATION - CANADA              Keith MacMillan       52c



Mr. Stanfield's conservative stance                         
Comes across unappealing perchance;                         
But lose, draw, or win,                                     
He sticks close to the skin                                 
And many have Stan's on their pants.                        
                                                            
36547 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver          122b



Canadian Tom said: "I'll catch you, an'                     
If I could but spell, then I'd match you an'                
I'd write me a poem                                         
About my old home;                                          
That beautiful place called Saskatchewan."                  
                                                            
36548 LOCATION - CANADA              Tiddy Ogg                



I remember a lad from Saskatchewan                          
Who kept looking for places to pat you on;                  
Down there and up here,                                     
And by proxy, the queer,                                    
With a hand-shaped settee which he sat you on!              
                                                            
36549 LOCATION - CANADA              Keith MacMillan       82b



My sex life ain't all pears and cream.                      
I'm not the sex goddess I seem.                             
I'm just a Canuck                                           
Who needs a good fuck                                       
From a man with huge...self-esteem.                         
                                                            
36550 LOCATION - CANADA                                       



The seamen who sail the St. Lawrence                        
View the river in utter abhorrence,                         
'Cause it isn't too nice                                    
To be battered by ice,                                      
Or to drown in the vicious cross-currents.                  
                                                            
36551 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh oliver           44d



My little Canuck, you're elation                            
Is understood there in your nation;                         
So don't try to muffle                                      
Your joy when I stuffle                                     
My bona fide 'ten' with inflation.                          
                                                            
36552 LOCATION - CANADA                                       



There once was a Winnipeg maid                              
Who, the very first time she was laid,                      
Became frigid, I'm told,                                    
'Cause it's too bloody cold                                 
At the corner of Portage and Baid.                          
                                                            
36553 LOCATION - CANADA              Keith MacMillan       80a



There's no colder spot than White River                     
In the season Quebecois call hiver.   [?]                   
As the weather gets horrider                                
Some move off to Florida,                                   
Some screw and some drink and some shi-shiver.              
                                                            
36554 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver           76d



As Toronto's inredible spire                                
Stands up to the clouds and much higher,                    
The men feel dejection                                      
Before this erection                                        
While women go wild with desire.                            
                                                            
36555 LOCATION - CANADA              Hugh Oliver           58a



An Eskimo in Athabaska                                      
Let his igloo to friends from Alaska.                       
When they said, "Does your spouse                           
Go along with the house?"                                   
He replied, "I don't know, but I'll aska."                  
                                                            
36556 LOCATION - CANADA              Mavor Moore, Toronto  93a



Vancouver is growing, they say,                             
So fast that there'll soon come a day                       
It'll annex Toronto,                                        
Then, turning 'round pronto,                                
Obliginly take in L.A.                                      
                                                            
36557 LOCATION - CANADA              Joyce Hibbert, Quebec107b



Ericka's the one who should know                            
About frolics up there in the snow;                         
She gets central heating                                    
From fellas who're beating                                  
Their way there, with dicks all aglow.                      
                                                            
36558 LOCATION - CANADA              Tiddy Ogg                



Young Ericka made a big blunder                             
While lost in the cold Bay of Thunder.                      
She froze where she sits                                    
And now warms her bits,                                     
But only while coming Down Under.                           
                                                            
36559 LOCATION - CANADA              Archie                   



That gal is no stranger to strife;                          
One winter she near lost her life.                          
When sighting a glow                                        
She sat in the snow,                                        
But found that it was...Yellowknife                         
                                                            
36560 LOCATION - CANADA              SFA                      



A silly old man, Arthur Rosen,                              
Knew power had failed, but kept dozin',                     
Then checking his freezers                                  
Cried "Holiest Jesus,                                       
Many are thawed, few are frozen."                           
                                                            
36561 LOCATION - CANADA              Tiddy Ogg                



Those remarks, you'll kindly withdraw!                      
I loosened my butt up last thaw.                            
I'm still on the melt                                       
So don't touch my pelt!                                     
(Us beavers are protected by law.)                          
                                                            
36562 LOCATION - CANADA              Ericka                   



That glow in the snow was a dupe!                           
I learned, right there, never to stoop                      
While sighting a glow;                                      
Nor eat yellow snow;                                        
Nor to play with the boys in this group!                    
                                                            
36563 LOCATION - CANADA              Ericka                   



Those glowing dicks, each year, are swarming                
And causing a vast global warming.                          
Right now, as we speak,                                     
My knees have gone weak.                                    
I feel a new ozone hole forming...                          
                                                            
36564 LOCATION - CANADA              Ericka                   



While outside, the Woods are a-freezing,                    
The Mounties don't waste time with sneezing.                
To cure boredom and cold,                                   
A tradition of old                                          
Is a contest in Mountieball-squeezing.                      
                                                            
36565 LOCATION - CANADA              Anon                     



Explorer of caves, a spelunker,                             
Was sent to find Adolf in bunker.                           
But soon could be shown                                     
That Fuehrer had flown                                      
In a dilapidated Junker.                                    
                                                            
36566 LOCATION - CAVES               Daniel Ford              



There once was a young girl named Bunker,                   
Loved rocks, so became a spelunker.                         
When sex she did crave,                                     
She'd enter a cave,                                         
And on a stalagmite would hunker.                           
                                                            
36567 LOCATION - CAVES               Ed Potts            P8412



SPELUNKERS may dark caves explore,                          
Attempting to reach our Earth's core.                       
But places like that                                        
Have guano of bat                                           
And many a dread disease spore.                             
                                                            
36568 LOCATION - CAVES               Chris Papa               



I wouldn't go there, were I asked,                          
Even with respirator safe masked.                           
Mid ceiling life hung,                                      
Knee deep in their dung,                                    
I'll wait for you outside, sun basked.                      
                                                            
36569 LOCATION - CAVES               Chris Papa               



In the cavern I saw how small flaws                         
In conjunction with natural laws                            
Makes for droplets, great towers.                           
(A flawed condom has powers;                                
See the touble that one drop can cause!)                    
                                                            
36570 LOCATION - CAVES               John Miller              



Up here, we have permafrost cave!                           
Should any one act up, misbehave;                           
It might be a good place                                    
The consequences to face,                                   
And make them cool off and behave.                          
                                                            
36571 LOCATION - CAVES               Barb                     



The permafrost cave's not for me,                           
Because I might polar bears see.                            
In there to warm up,                                        
The mom and cub pup                                         
Might think that I'm a meal free.                           
                                                            
36572 LOCATION - CAVES               Chris Papa               



A flatulent fellow named Broy                               
Fell into a cave as a boy.                                  
On a warm limestone shelf,                                  
He played with himself                                      
With speleological joy.                                     
                                                            
36573 LOCATION - CAVES                                   G2091



The stalagmite stood up like my peter;                      
Even bigger and stiffer and neater,                         
But lifeless and cold;                                      
Not for bushels of gold                                     
Could you show a girl, mine isn't sweeter.                  
                                                            
36574 LOCATION - CAVES               John Miller              



When visiting underground sites,                            
Remember which are stalagmites.                             
Just picture the chance                                     
Of ants in the pants:                                       
When mites go up, down come the tights.                     
                                                            
36575 LOCATION - CAVES               Jim Tennant              



"Sex is the same everywhere,"                               
Said a round-the-world tart from Montclair.                 
"The prick and vagina                                       
In South Carolina,                                          
Is the same as in Spain or Mayfair."                        
                                                            
36576 LOCATION - EUROPE                                  G0672



Belgium's a place I don't know,                             
Although it is not far to go.                               
I know they speak French,                                   
Sweet chocolate to drench,                                  
And they say Bonjour meaning hello.                         
                                                            
36577 LOCATION - EUROPE              Cerberus                 



The Belgians, there I'm at a loss,                          
They're as interesting as most moss.                        
I truly can't bother                                        
To travel by hover,                                         
Merely to soak up their dross.                              
                                                            
36578 LOCATION - EUROPE                                       



In Belgium I'm nursing a bone                               
For you, sweet Miss Molly Malone.                           
If it's cockles and mussels                                 
You're after in Brussels,                                   
I've ... bugger; I'll have to postpone.                     
                                                            
36579 LOCATION - EUROPE                                       



A daddy from Prague here announces:                         
"My newlyborn weighs twenty ounces;                         
It's healthy, it's strong,                                  
It's twelve inches long --                                  
Just look at my Czech, how it bounces.                      
                                                            
36580 LOCATION - EUROPE              Armand E Singer       659



Leaving communist Prague for the trek,                      
The midget was risking his neck.                            
But he made it to Enns                                      
And his Austrian friends,                                   
Whom he asked, "Can you cache a small Czech?"               
                                                            
36581 LOCATION - EUROPE              A. N. Wilkins       P9206



The Hammer and the Sickle are                               
Brutality that goes too far.                                
And even farther still--                                    
The inconceivable --                                        
The horror of the Swastika.                                 
                                                            
36582 LOCATION - EUROPE              Irving Superior     P9406



He thought long and hard how he'd greet                     
The new foreign friends that he'd meet:                     
"I'm German." "I'm Syrian."                                 
"I'm Cuban." "I'm Algerian."                                
Should he sigh, "I'm a... No! I'm from Crete."              
                                                            
36583 LOCATION - EUROPE              Laurence Perrine    P9407



A woman from the Isle of Crete                              
By chance I happened to meet.                               
A perfect ten                                               
From her toes to her chin,                                  
But her face wasn't nearly as sweet.                        
                                                            
36584 LOCATION - EUROPE                                       



Well, I'm not from Munich nor Bonn,                         
And surely I've got clothes on,                             
Because it's damn cold                                      
In this Europe of old;                                      
Of sweaters I brought just a ton.                           
                                                            
36585 LOCATION - EUROPE                                       



In Flanders, a porn queen of note,                          
Announced in the press, (and we quote):                     
"Going down is my bag,                                      
So excuse me if I gag,                                      
I'll soon have some Flems in my throat.                     
                                                            
36586 LOCATION - EUROPE                                       



"I've spent two weeks in Athens with you,"                  
His wife said, "and haven't been to                         
The Acropolis yet."                                         
"Me neither, my pet,                                        
So I think it's the water," said Drew.                      
                                                            
36587 LOCATION - EUROPE              A N Wilkins         P0211



Possessing the suck of a clam,                              
This orally gifted Madam                                    
Had many men tamed                                          
And so she was named                                        
As two-lips of old Amsterdam.                               
                                                            
36588 LOCATION - EUROPE                                       



It is sad that most people ignore                           
Hungarian deeds by the score.                               
As quick as a blink,                                        
The majority think                                          
Of goulash, and the sisters Gabor.                          
                                                            
36589 LOCATION - EUROPE              Jim Weaver Collection    



"Why it is," said the girl from Capri,                      
"That the Mediterranean Sea,                                
Should turn men to swim in it                               
To swine in a minute,                                       
Remains a dark mystery to me."                              
                                                            
36590 LOCATION - EUROPE              Dogbard                  



Moldavia!  Home of the free!                                
I pledge my allegiance to thee,                             
With obedience blind;                                       
It's a shame I can't find                                   
Where the fuck in this atlas you be.                        
                                                            
36591 LOCATION - EUROPE              Peter Wilkins            



A quondam nomadic Turanian,                                 
Exploring the Mediterranean,                                
Went seaward past Greece                                    
But not on to Nice.                                         
He stopped and became an Albanian.                          
                                                            
36592 LOCATION - EUROPE              R. J. Winkler       P8407



I asked a man down by the altar,                            
"I say, are you a pole vaulter?"                            
"Ja, that's me, from Cracow,                                
But I'm vondering just how                                  
Did you know that my name vas Valter.                       
                                                            
36593 LOCATION - EUROPE              Spru                     



The leaders in Poland proclaim,                             
"Since Shakespeare wrote, 'What's in a name?'               
We Poles took a poll.                                       
A Pole is a Pole.                                           
The North and the South Pole we claim.                      
                                                            
36594 LOCATION - EUROPE              Irving Superior     P8909



"And little the U.S. suspects,                              
As soon as we Polish annex                                  
The North and South Pole,                                   
Our ultimate goal --                                        
The East and West Poles are next.                           
                                                            
36595 LOCATION - EUROPE              Irving Superior     P8909



On the beaches of lovely Madiera,                           
There once was a goose of a swearer;                        
She tried hard to attract                                   
Any natives to act,                                         
But no portuganders came near her.                          
                                                            
36596 LOCATION - EUROPE              Bill Backe-Hansen   P9305



In Limerick where once I did stay                           
I vowed to return one day.                                  
There's nothing they lack                                   
Charm, culture or crack:                                    
From "Ashes" they've come a long way.                       
                                                            
36597 LOCATION - EUROPE              Ms Marian Gormley        



Years ago in the French 'republique'                        
A president, with desires unique,                           
Refrained from just wars                                    
In exchange of Czech whores;                                
The first case of 'real polotique'.                         
                                                            
36598 LOCATION - EUROPE              Thomas G. Keller    P9407



I think I would rather be dead                              
Or anywhere other instead                                   
Than sitting here drunk                                     
In a dorm on a bunk                                         
In a dump on a rock in the Med.                             
                                                            
36599 LOCATION - EUROPE              R. Wooten                



A Boatman while boating along                               
Took out and then played with his dong.                     
She cried, "That's so Volga!                                
But my!  What a bulger...                                   
I'll watch as you sing me a song."                          
                                                            
36600 LOCATION - EUROPE              Tutta Gioia              



The Serbs and Croatians will be friends;                    
They will hug, kiss and make amends.                        
Just you wait, 'twill be fine                               
Unless you detonate a mine,                                 
Or one of those they ethnic cleansed.                       
                                                            
36601 LOCATION - EUROPE              Aaron Michelson          



The Tronheim lad's cry was a knell                          
On the train engine's brass bedecked bell.                  
"I'm going to Sweden,                                       
I hear it's an Eden,                                        
But first I must travel through Hell."                      
(Hell is town on the train line)                            
36602 LOCATION - EUROPE              Bill Backe-Hansen   P8604



A young girl I knew, who was Swiss;                         
When with her I felt it was bliss.                          
On ice just like glass,                                     
I once made a pass.                                         
I'm afraid it was slip and no kiss!                         
                                                            
36603 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arthur Pattaffy          



On the beach if you fancy a view,                           
Which includes topless girlies, then you                    
Should go down to the Med,                                  
For it's often been said,                                   
That the best place to go is Cor! Whew!                     
                                                            
36604 LOCATION - EUROPE              Peter Wilkins            



Said a Sassenach back from Dun Leery,                       
"I pay homage to nationalist theory,                        
But wherever I drive,                                       
I found signposts that strive,                              
To make touring in Ireland so dreary."                      
                                                            
36605 LOCATION - EUROPE                                       



We're in Amsterdam two or three days;                       
The canals are a wonderful maze.                            
We saw many a bike,                                         
But nary a dike,                                            
But we did see a handful of gays                            
                                                            
36606 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



We drink wine as we float down the river                    
We drink wine before and with dinner                        
The wine from the Rhine                                     
Has us all feeling fine                                     
But it's sure raising hell with my liver                    
                                                            
36607 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



The Heiniken drinker's content                              
"The Euros it costs are well spent"                         
Said philosopher Sklar                                      
At the Mannheim pissoir                                     
"Beer's never for sale, it's for rent"                      
                                                            
36608 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



In Europe the guide books all say                           
The Euro's the way you must pay                             
But the 'Merican dollar                                     
Will buy cheese Emmenthaler                                 
Or a bottle, a blow job or lay                              
                                                            
36609 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



On the hill in old Heidelberg town                          
There's a college of world-wide renown                      
In the village below                                        
There's a bar where guys go                                 
And for beer many co-eds go down                            
                                                            
36610 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



Ten tears ago there was a fire                              
At the gothic cathedral in Speier                           
The sexton's still hot                                      
And though he sings not                                     
He "duets" with each girl in the choir                      
                                                            
36611 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



The girl on the dock at Cologne                             
With desire made the young fellows groan                    
She stood at the port                                       
In a skirt that's so short                                  
It displayed her erogenous zone                             
                                                            
36612 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



The sunlight shining on ripples                             
Looks like paintings fashioned with stipples                
The river has locks                                         
And on Lorelei rocks                                        
Is a statue with prominent nipples                          
                                                            
36613 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



We learned about slow fermentation                          
Aeration and sedimentation                                  
The mistique of fine wine                                   
But the real bottom line                                    
Is expensive, increased urination                           
                                                            
36614 LOCATION - EUROPE              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



In vainest of exasperation,                                 
Mr. P. passed his vacation.                                 
The cause of his pities                                     
To the Eeytaliann cities,                                   
Was blocked by a wreck at the station.                      
                                                            
36615 LOCATION - EUROPE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Polish limericks - those lately narrated,                   
Much deserve, I am sure, to be feted.                       
I'd enjoy them much more,                                   
So I humbly implore,                                        
That the fuckers would please be translated.                
                                                            
36616 LOCATION - EUROPE              F Stop Fitzgerald   P0001



The Krauts make a very fine brew,                           
The Frauleins are lovely to screw.                          
I learned over there                                        
That it's okay to swear                                     
But be careful to whom you say, "du!"                       
                                                            
36617 LOCATION - EUROPE              John Miller 0255         



The French have always been fickle,                         
Sucking up to the hammer and sickle.                        
When shove comes to push,                                   
They'll be there with Bush,                                 
Or their oil will come in a trickle.                        
                                                            
36618 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



You crave the Yangtse, I the Seine,                         
Where a stiffy for hours I'll maintain.                     
At le pont Mirabeau,                                        
My barge pole she did blow,                                 
'Til jizz gushed forth again and again.                     
                                                            
36619 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     RanDog                   



On a trip into la douce France,                             
I met there our kitten by chance.                           
In the Bois du Boulogne                                     
She'd squirm and she'd moan,                                
While we lay on the leaves there, sans pants.               
                                                            
36620 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



I spent a week-end in Bordeaux.                             
I was told it's a nice place to geaux.                      
I felt it was boring;                                       
My roommate was snoring.                                    
Altogether it was very seaux seaux!                         
                                                            
36621 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Arthur Pattaffy          



When the Frenchie Chirac tries to tell,                     
All us bad guys to go straight to hell;                     
He rants, rolls his eyes,                                   
And to my surprise,                                         
He looks like a beardless Fidel!                            
                                                            
36622 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



I couldn't believe what I read;                             
Can't believe what Chirac went and said.                    
Perhaps he's just dumb                                      
Or maybe sucked his thumb,                                  
But he ought to rebutter his bread.                         
                                                            
36623 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



I am not a big fan of the veil.                             
I prefer to include no detail.                              
But for young ladies who                                    
Wish to cover their do,                                     
Let them do it; there's no need to wail.                    
                                                            
36624 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



Chirac is becoming obsessive,                               
Even saying he just looks agressive,                        
Showing he lacks the knowlege                               
That you can't learn in college,                            
For his statements are somewhat arrestive.                  
                                                            
36625 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



If he so strongly feels about that,                         
Then there's something I'd like to point at.                
Since he mentions "offensive",                              
I'm a bit apprehensive                                      
About issues that ruffle my mat.                            
                                                            
36626 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



What of symbols of other religions,                         
Which to not everyone brings good visions.                  
Drinking blood of the savior                                
Is offensive behavior;                                      
Though symbolic, it too needs revision.                     
                                                            
36627 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



But though the above makes me cringe,                       
I have no right to tighten my hinge.                        
Chirac has no right                                         
To be picking this fight;                                   
For relations with Muslims, he'll singe.                    
                                                            
36628 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



It is all about closing your hair,                          
And there are other ways to, way out there.                 
A nice wool cap                                             
Or traditional wrap,                                        
Would do a good job, to be fair.                            
                                                            
36629 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



Looking at history as your one guide --                     
How many Frenchmen would you decide                         
Would be necessary                                          
To defend Gay Paree?                                        
There's no answer -- it's never been tried.                 
                                                            
36630 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Al Bienstock             



When in Paris a lady named Jane                             
Said her husband got drunk on Champagne,                    
Then he screwed a trifle                                    
At the top of the Eiffel,                                   
And he threatened to drive her in Seine.                    
                                                            
36631 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Al Chaplin          P0302



It don't take that much to be spic,                         
Just plenty of oil and garlic.                              
They sure cannot fail                                       
By consuming snail,                                         
To be slimy, squishy and thick.                             
                                                            
36632 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



In Paris stands a tower called Eiffel,                      
On which balances a trifle.                                 
In days gone by,                                            
Into it birds did fly,                                      
But they were popped off with a rifle.                      
                                                            
36633 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Anon                     



A popular poule in Marseille                                
Remarked after many a lay,                                  
"I'm a folle for a lance                                    
All the way across France,                                  
From Marseille to Le Havre and Calais!"                     
                                                            
36634 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Grand Prix Lim  901      



My foreign affair in Paris;                                 
The "Eiffel" this mam'selle called me.                      
I told her, "En Garde,                                      
'Cause it's getting hard                                    
And you're in my trajectory."                               
                                                            
36635 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Irving Superior     P9407



In order to visit Paris                                     
And take in everything we could see,                        
We succumbed to the lure                                    
Of an all-expense tour,                                     
And that's what it turned out to be.                        
                                                            
36636 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     A. N. Wilkins       P8709



There was a young lady called Clarice,                      
Who lived in the city of Paris.                             
She wandered with Sartre,                                   
The streets of Montmartre,                                  
But she married a chap called Bert Harris.                  
                                                            
36637 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     H. A. C. Evans           



The French are not thought to be sane,                      
For they sit on the bank of the Seine,                      
Dangling their tools                                        
In the murky dark pools,                                    
Netting fish, in a manner, in seine.                        
                                                            
36638 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Martin Wellborn     P9112



There was a young fellow named Harris                       
Who dated a girl while in Paris.                            
He had her a trifle                                         
On top of the Eiffel,                                       
And finished her off on his terrace.                        
                                                            
36639 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Albin Chaplin 3024  P8707



There was an old fellow named Trench,                       
Who couldn't stand anything French.                         
Eating snails he abhorred,                                  
By Moliere he was bored,                                    
And Chanel No. 5 was just stench.                           
                                                            
36640 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Warrick Elrod            



There was a young man named Harris,                         
Whom nothing was known to embarrass:                        
Not even the sin                                            
That you find in Berlin                                     
Or the wilder excesses of Paris.                            
                                                            
36641 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



The French is one tongue I'll forego,                       
And with good reason for doing so;                          
The spelling's a wreck,                                     
Man, E-A-U-X                                                
Is no way to spell a long "o".                              
                                                            
36642 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Anon               TP9804



A young tourist girl from Toledo,                           
Just went plumb to hell on the Lido.                        
Under a big beach umbrella                                  
She was bunged by a fella,                                  
In a game he called "Lido Torpedo."                         
                                                            
36643 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Grand Prix Lim  441 G0667



A courtroom in Alsace Lorraine.                             
The judge will the jury explain--                           
If Al did sass                                              
Then it's Al's ass.                                         
The question: Did Al sass Lorraine?                         
                                                            
36644 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Irving Superior     P8111



In Paris, a dandy would scour                               
Stores for neckware his wardrobe to flower.                 
To keep himself natty,                                      
For each new cravat, he                                     
Would shop for a gay, tieful hour.                          
                                                            
36645 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Bob Giandomenico    P9511



A certain young lady of Pinner                              
Was a hardened society sinner.                              
She departed one day                                        
For Paris, they say...                                      
And the rest will be told after dinner.                     
                                                            
36646 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Jim Weaver Collection    



An architect, rather well-known,                            
Found the buttresses great in Cologne;                      
But, "It's true," he confessed,                             
"Paris 'Oui' hours are best,                                
'Cause that's when most wild oats are sown."                
                                                            
36647 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Ann Gasser          P9406



A long trip to France would be nice,                        
To visit the places of vice,                                
The wine and the women.                                     
Thats just the beginnin',                                   
And I'd squander whats left on the dice                     
                                                            
36648 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



It's been claimed without launching a probe,                
One would need twice the patience of Job                    
To stay a Francophile.                                      
The French lose their appeal                                
And turn one into a Francophobe.                            
                                                            
36649 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



I sailed on a cross-channel ship,                           
Visiting France on a cheap day trip.                        
Now imagine my glee                                         
When I felt Mimi's knee,                                    
And encountered my first French hip.                        
                                                            
36650 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Bob Mornington           



Now listen, I tell you no lies,                             
If language don't change then it dies.                      
And that's why the French                                   
Lie there in their stench,                                  
They've long lost the "world language" prize.               
                                                            
36651 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Hats off to the libertine French!                           
They've just got to have them a wench.                      
In the worst of recessions,                                 
Even major depressions,                                     
With sex they will never retrench.                          
                                                            
36652 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Armand E Singer       409



There was a young student from France                       
Who lived out his life in a trance.                         
The Republic he dreamed                                     
Was not close as it seemed,                                 
And he died as he led the advance.                          
                                                            
36653 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Laura Waterstripe        



A comely young Parisienne                                   
Came often with comely young men;                           
She liked being seen                                        
With twelve or thirteen                                     
Or, on a bad day, nine or ten.                              
                                                            
36654 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



She'd usually have huit or neuf,                            
A-snuffling away at her muff,                               
While un deux or trois                                      
Were removing her bra,                                      
For lots of that 'ooh la la' stuff.                         
                                                            
36655 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Yes, all the young ladies in France                         
Are especially fond of romance.                             
But what makes them a wonder                                
Is they're even fonder                                      
Of relieving themselves of their pants.                     
                                                            
36656 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Francois is the name of a guy.                              
I thought it a gal -- don't know why.                       
French names are confusing                                  
And gender abusing.                                         
Once more, my poor limerick I'll try:                       
                                                            
36657 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Testicular avoirdupois                                      
Is measured by Dr. Francois.                                
A thousand dram specimen                                    
Brings lusty Nurse Bessie in                                
To proffer a menage a trois.                                
                                                            
36658 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Then doctor and patient insert                              
Their johnsons through lips, under skirt.                   
She's sandwiched between                                    
A finger-cuff queen,                                        
And a large liquid measure they'll squirt.                  
                                                            
36659 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



But now I've recovered my poise,                            
I see you're still keen for ze joys                         
Of ooh la la la,                                            
From ze je ne sais quoi,                                    
Little twitch zat your tail-end employs.                    
                                                            
36660 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



There once was a couple of Brits,                           
Who tried to learn French from Berlitz.                     
But their French lost its charm                             
When they stopped a gendarme                                
And asked him to show them his tits.                        
                                                            
36661 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



In Paree, once, I caught a strong whiff,                    
Of a Froggie, who wanted to tiff;                           
His teeth he did clench;                                    
Said, "Why can't you speak French?"                         
I said, "Here's why: I've never had 'syph'!"                
                                                            
36662 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



If you send all the Frenchmen to Hell,                      
It will turn into something so swell,                       
That no one would wait                                      
At the Pearly gate,                                         
But all souls will ring old Satan's bell.                   
                                                            
36663 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Woozel                   



You top-rate American scholars                              
Are highly deserving of dollars.                            
Yet is seems the word 'genre'                               
Aroused Yankee scorn                                        
And gets you hot under the collars.                         
(I thought genre was a French toilet - McW                  
36664 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



I knew a young lady from France,                            
Who sat on an anthill of ants;                              
I knew she was pretty,                                      
And terribly witty,                                         
But never how well she could dance.                         
                                                            
36665 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     George Stein        P0001



And as for your electrical drill,                           
I bet that will not long stay still.                        
But Ken beware                                              
And please take care                                        
'Cause in France, the voltage can kill.                     
                                                            
36666 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



In the bar of the Hotel du Lac                              
Sits a girl in a dress, low-cut, black,                     
For 95 francs,                                              
She'll give you some wancs,                                 
In a small secret room out the back.                        
                                                            
36667 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Down there in the port of Calais,                           
That cutie is busy all day,                                 
With sailors and tourists,                                  
She too soon has sore wrists,                               
So she'll do horizontal ballet...                           
                                                            
36668 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



But this costs a little bit more,                           
Three hundred francs, maybe four,                           
And her eyes seem to glow,                                  
'Cause she sure loves it so...                              
"Ah oui, c'est les francs j'adore."                         
                                                            
36669 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



In New Brunswick, a cute little wench                       
Muttered, "Let us be glad for the French!                   
For none of us doubt                                        
What the ball game's about,                                 
While the English just sleep on the bench."                 
                                                            
36670 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Hugh Oliver           31a



She went on vacation to France,                             
When there she did nothing but dance.                       
Her trip was successful,                                    
Even if it was stressful;                                   
She came home in an air ambulance!                          
                                                            
36671 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Arthur Pattaffy          



A Marseillian armpit's for me,                              
When embarked on a sensual Grand Prix.                      
Their furry embrace                                         
Is much softer than lace,                                   
Yielding gism instead of warm pee.                          
                                                            
36672 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Randog                   



On Wednesday the twins will be three;                       
I guess that their Mommy will be                            
Too busy again                                              
To bother to feign                                          
Affection. She'll be in Paree.                              
                                                            
36673 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



A young Frenchman from La Gay Paree,                        
Was advised "Les Follies," he'd not see.                    
It's bien for Les Anglais,                                  
Who are not there to stay,                                  
But for Frenchmen, it's not "C'est la vie!"                 
                                                            
36674 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Arthur Pattaffy          



Those French are a weird lot I'd say,                       
And remain so even today.                                   
They wage war unrelenting,                                  
So thereby preventing                                       
The consonant having its say.                               
                                                            
36675 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



For weeks I had practised flirtation                        
In French for my annual vacation;                           
Such phrases as "Chere;                                     
Shall we screw dans la mer?"                                
More success I'd have had with Croatian.                    
                                                            
36676 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Ignored I was. "Qui est cet homme?"                         
They said laughingly, "Ou est vous from?"                   
I said, "Londres, mes cheres",                              
As I showed them my wares                                   
With my usual style and aplomb.                             
                                                            
36677 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



"Haha! Vous etes old, monsieur Pete!"                       
They said, shrieking with glee at my meat                   
As it vanished from sight                                   
For the rest of the night;                                  
But 'twas their fault for missing a treat.                  
                                                            
36678 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



Good Bess, she'll do well in paris,                         
Where the males are randy as can be.                        
There's just so much a bloke                                
In deep search of a poke,                                   
Je t'aime oui, vous parle francaise.                        
                                                            
36679 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Anon                     



McDonalds owes much, we must own,                           
To the land of the Loire and the Rhone.                     
For burghers they say,                                      
Got their start in Calais,                                  
And the world's first French Fry was Saint Joan.            
                                                            
36680 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Graham Lester            



Now listen, I've learned out at Arby's                      
That French fries have too many carbies,                    
And roasts too much fat,                                    
But Saint Joan wasn't that;                                 
She was slender, the first of the barbies.                  
                                                            
36681 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Liam na Baeg             



Now, I am quite sure you can toast                          
Better cullinary arts than you boast.                       
For there wasn't a pan                                      
When Saint Joan hit the fan,                                
But a spit, and Saint Joan was the roast.                   
                                                            
36682 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Graham Lester            



I once took a steamship to France,                          
Where I screwed everythng wearing pants.                    
From old men to boys,                                       
I jumped on their toys,                                     
Including two dykes at a dance.                             
                                                            
36683 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a gymnast from France                        
Who gave men bulges in their pants,                         
With legs like no other.                                    
(Hard to think she's a mother                               
And has a child she must finance.)                          
                                                            
36684 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



A Frenchman is usually a prick;                             
That crap that they cook makes me sick.                     
They're assholes replete                                    
With grape stains on their feet,                            
But their women sure suck a mean dick.                      
                                                            
36685 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     MrMalo                   



Although I am French to my soul,                            
You haven't heard my story in whole.                        
My dad was from Warsaw,                                     
Thus mom never foresaw                                      
That I would be born a tad Pole.                            
                                                            
36686 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Gary Hallock             



How could my poor Mama have knowed                          
That when her "Lil Froggie" was growed,                     
I'd only flies eat,                                         
And hop on webbed feet,                                     
And everywhere have to be toad.                             
                                                            
36687 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Gary Hallock             



Is it true that in France women tan                         
In the sun, so at night they Can-can.                       
Showing lines that are white                                
To allure Mr. Right,                                        
And then brag about catching a man?                         
                                                            
36688 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



In school I loved Madamoiselle;                             
If she liked me she never would tell.                       
Every day in her classes,                                   
At her I'd make passes.                                     
In my eyes she was "toujours tres belle!"                   
                                                            
36689 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Arthur Pattaffy          



A word of advice to you pal,                                
I see you're in France with your gal.                       
The problem of course is                                    
In France they eat horses,                                  
And Pet says you're hung comme cheval.                      
                                                            
36690 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



The horribly ugly French throng                             
Snatch onions from where they belong.                       
They think it cleveer                                       
At English to sneer,                                        
But their yard is three inches too long.                    
                                                            
36691 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                              



A pretty wife living in Tours,                              
Demanded her daily amour.                                   
But the husband said, "No!                                  
It's too much. Let it go!                                   
My bollocks are dragging the floor."                        
                                                            
36692 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE                         L0110



The Les Guichet train trip to Chatelet                      
Takes me to nice places to stay.                            
Unbelievable view,                                          
Especially if you                                           
Find a nice window seat for the day.                        
                                                            
36693 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



Senses soothed by the train's muffled sound;                
Passing houses with playparks on the ground.                
Though it goes without saying,                              
It's too cold for playing                                   
On rotating wheels spinning 'round.                         
                                                            
36694 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



Clippity Cloppity got the nuts                              
As the train moves gently on the ruts.                      
But just as you doze,                                       
It is time you arose,                                       
As the train nicely into Chatelet struts.                   
                                                            
36695 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Nawahl Razak             



In my first Versailles spoke in Anglais,                    
But now, I Cannes parle in Francais.                        
If zee Poissy is Toulouse,                                  
It will Rouen zee screws                                    
And make for a very Bordelais.                              
                                                            
36696 LOCATION - EUROPE - FRANCE     Dan Ford                 



Said the buxom young German fraulein                        
As she fucked on the bridge on the Rhine,                   
"If I fall in the drink,                                    
I never will sink                                           
'Cause my tits, as floats, work real fine."                 
                                                            
36697 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



So you're on your way to Bavaria?                           
Not much I consider more scaria!                            
Oktoberfest beer                                            
Makes you sing songs dear,                                  
But I don't like that kind of aria.                         
                                                            
36698 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



I once took a trip down the Rhine                           
To partake of the fruits of the vine;                       
Drank too many of these                                     
Trockenbeerenauslese                                        
But the taste was exceeding divine.                         
                                                            
36699 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



Just as Lorelei's rock was rounded,                         
The ship as expected got grounded.                          
But to me she showed mercy                                  
And played with my percy;                                   
On the top I had pleasures unbounded.                       
                                                            
36700 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



According to german folklore,                              O
On that rock sat the fair maiden lore,                      
Unashamed and in public,                                    
Displaying hairs pubic,                                     
Read on if you'd like knowing more.                         
                                                            
36701 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



The ladies from Deutschland are best;                       
Be it north or south, east or else west.                    
They can be quite obscene                                   
If you know what I mean,                                    
And their loving skills stand every test.                   
                                                            
36702 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



Now the Germans, they are a case;                           
By nature a dominant race.                                  
But truth will ring true,                                   
"Remember The Jew"                                          
Will haunt them all over the place.                         
                                                            
36703 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



In Germany, Essen (so neat)                                 
Is even more weird, indeed.                                 
'Cause it's a word which                                    
In their own laguage,                                       
Means something as odd as to 'to eat'!                      
                                                            
36704 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



In Germany, as light grew dimmer,                           
It's check-in time: need a zimmer;                          
The hotel's frau-line,                                      
Said, come taste my Rheine;                                 
I cried: "Ich bin ein Ber-limmer."                          
                                                            
36705 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



Let them sing their sorry refrain,                          
Even though it can be quite a pain.                         
And try not to scoff                                        
'Cause if you piss them off,                                
They might invade Poland again.                             
                                                            
36706 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY    MrMalo                   



I hope that you can excuse                                  
If I turn a deaf ear to your views                          
About toleration,                                           
Since it was your nation                                    
That burned over six million jews.                          
                                                            
36707 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY    MrMalo                   



In springtime the young Viennese,                           
Will go out amidst those chestnut trees,                    
And while tunes by the Strausses                            
Float out of the houses,                                    
They do pretty much as they please.                         
                                                            
36708 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



In springtime the young Viennese'll                         
Go out in their 4X4 diesel,                                 
And deep in the woods,                                      
They'll bare pussies and puds,                              
And do what the birds and the bees'll.                      
                                                            
36709 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



Out there while the moon's shining bright,                  
They'll drink and boff all of the night,                    
He'll give his fraulein                                     
A fucking good time,                                        
And fill her with gemutlichkeit.                            
                                                            
36710 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



They rampage around the Tyrol,                              
With their drugs, sex and rock and roll.                    
Where the blue Danube flows,                                
They'll remove all their clothes;                           
Each guy alone with his doll.                               
                                                            
36711 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



Those Austrians can be inventive,                           
And the frauleins they need no incentive.                   
Those beautiful girls                                       
Give lads Viennese whirls,                                  
And pretty near drive them dementive.                       
                                                            
36712 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



The problem with German fraus                               
Is getting them out of the house.                           
It's not fondness for home,                                 
Or an aversion to roam,                                     
It's just that they're all fat ass cows.                    
                                                            
36713 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY    MrMalo                   



I'm off to the Munchen Oktober                              
Fest, promising (natch) to be sober;                        
For there I shall meet                                      
Little Heidi so sweet,                                      
And I fully intend to disrobe 'er.                          
                                                            
36714 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



I'll be coming to Europe late September,                    
And looking for action for my member.                       
Meet me at Oktoberfest,                                     
And be sure you've got plenty rest.                         
I'll show you a time you'll remember.                       
                                                            
36715 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



There once was a man from Berlin                            
Whose wife was remarkably thin.                             
When somebody brave                                         
Had to crawl in a cave,                                     
The man from Berlin shoved her in.                          
                                                            
36716 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY    Anon                     



Psychologist Gerhardt Von Fritz                             
Exclaimed: "Personality splits                              
In Germany's frauen                                         
Occurs from men plowin';                                    
Der slits ver dey sits vit a blitz!"                        
                                                            
36717 LOCATION - EUROPE - GERMANY                             



That's funny, while out in Corfu                            
She did offer someone a screw                               
But said he declined                                        
And rather she dined                                        
On his firk'n head, was that you?                           
                                                            
36718 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE                              



Macedonians look stolid and staid                           
But a wench in their grasp is dismayed                      
To find they vent passions                                  
In all human fashions,                                      
With some odd bestial fashions inlaid!                      
                                                            
36719 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Grand Prix Lim   24      



Well what was it all you did learn?                         
Did your passion for Grecian guys burn?                     
Did the women in town                                       
Quickly turn upside down                                    
Saying, "Twat is the true Grecian urn!"                     
                                                            
36720 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Travis Brasell           



High above the great Athens metropolis,                     
On a path near the ancient Acropolis,                       
There's a barn with a loft,                                 
Where a girl can get boffed,                                
Which has helped keep the city so popolous.                 
                                                            
36721 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     MrMalo                   



My knowledge of Greece is a bore;                           
I need to get there and explore.                            
I'd sure like to find                                       
What I have in mind;                                        
A beautiful young Grecian whore!                            
                                                            
36722 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Travis Brasell           



Until then, I'm having a fit                                
To catch a glimpse of some tit.                             
Which one of the two                                        
Will come into view,                                        
And will she reveal her fine clit.                          
                                                            
36723 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Travis Brasell           



"GR" is the symbol for Greece,                              
Where shepherds keep lambs for their fleece.                
But men prefer boys                                         
'Stead of girls for their toys,                             
And a nephew instead of a niece.                            
                                                            
36724 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     John Miller              



We took our vacation in Greece;                             
The food made us sick and obese.                            
Their nightlife's the pits;                                 
I twice got the shits;                                      
And prices are on the increase.                             
                                                            
36725 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Armand E Singer       183



A greek heiress fell for a Bulgar,                          
And said, "He's deliciously vulgar!"                        
She yearned for the day                                     
He would whisk her away,                                    
And in archaic splendor, fulgor!                            
(fulgor - dazzling brightness)                              
36726 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Ann Gasser          P8808



The plane spotters who went to Greece                       
Are still waiting for their release.                        
On what did they spy?                                       
Have Greeks learned to fly?                                 
Is Icarus now boss of the police?                           
                                                            
36727 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Dennis Hammes            



There is nothing wrong with our plane spotters.             
Impeccable theory totters                                   
On the fact that our lads                                   
Are but dirty old cads,                                     
And have spotted old Daedalus' daughters.                   
                                                            
36728 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Dennis Hammes            



Greek girls are quite comely and sweet,                     
But they dress in the fashion of Crete,                     
Which instantly slaughters                                  
Binoculared spotters,                                       
Who spot rather more than bare feet.                        
                                                            
36729 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Dennis Hammes            



It can leave their equipment quite sodden,                  
The "Greek Christmas Hitch," beg your pardon.               
Baring gifts!  Why should Ghurkas                           
Glass women in bourkas                                      
Or watch for the ugly bin Laden.                            
                                                            
36730 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Dennis Hammes            



Of all of the languages, Greek                              
Was the one I intended to speak.                            
But in Peloponesia,                                         
I suffered amnesia                                          
The whole of my holiday week.                               
                                                            
36731 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Peter Wilkins            



Santorini in sunlight, serene;                              
Soaring cliffs above water, blue-green;                     
Clustered houses chalk white,                               
Domed roofs, lazulite;                                      
Stunning setting, Greek jewel to be seen.                   
                                                            
36732 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Joel D Ash          P0311



How I long to revisit that place;                           
Treasured memories which years can't displace;              
Of a donkey ascending,                                      
Quaint vistas unending,                                     
Old streets that my mind can retrace.                       
                                                            
36733 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Joel D Ash          P0311



Sparkling visions compelling return,                        
Sights and scenes that I conjure and yearn;                 
To see them once more,                                      
Contemplate and explore,                                    
Santorini my Ode to Greek Urn.                              
                                                            
36734 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Joel D Ash          P0311



Hiking up to the top of the isle,                           
Near to heaven, mosaics of tile;                            
Ancient themes so artistic,                                 
Grand myths Hellenistic,                                    
Displays to inform and beguile.                             
                                                            
36735 LOCATION - EUROPE - GREECE     Joel D Ash          P0311



To Amsterdam City I've been,                                
Indulging in frolics obscene.                               
But the culture I found                                     
Just by walking around                                      
Was mainly disgustingly clean.                              
                                                            
36736 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    PeterW                   



Though Rembrandt and Co. can amaze,                         
I spent much of my time in a daze.                          
My mind was a blank,                                        
'Twas the beer that I drank                                 
And the weed that I smoked in a haze.                       
                                                            
36737 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    PeterW                   



And although I enjoyed the effect,                          
With body and mind truly wrecked,                           
I missed out on girlies                                     
With soft pubic curlies;                                    
My pecker just would not erect!                             
                                                            
36738 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    PeterW                   



Now that little Dutch boy at the dike,                      
That we thought to be so brave a tyke,                      
Didn't inform a soul                                        
That he punched in the hole,                                
Just to make up a story we'd like.                          
                                                            
36739 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Warrick Elrod            



Now I'm really glad that he did,                            
And I'll not argue facts that he hid.                       
He is still a fine boy,                                     
Who thought we'd enjoy                                      
A heroic tale, and we did.                                  
                                                            
36740 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Warrick Elrod            



I speak in only one tongue;                                 
In Holland you might feel ham-strung.                       
If you grow a Van Dyke,                                     
Stick your thumb in a dike,                                 
Or some other thing, if you're well-hung.                   
                                                            
36741 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    S C Saint                



Some how you don't think of the Dutch                       
Being given to lewdness and such,                           
But your notions revise                                     
When sin glints in Dutch eyes,                              
And they get a Dutch wench in their clutch.                 
                                                            
36742 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Grand Prix Lim  832      



If in Amsterdam you want to be,                             
There are certainly things you must see.                    
Forget tulips and mills,                                    
Because the real thrills                                    
Are the girls, of which there's plenty.                     
                                                            
36743 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Peter Wilkins            



Suggestions you wanted, let's see --                        
1. The Red Light district definitely.                       
Fifty guilders you'll pay                                   
For a roll-in-the-hay;                                      
Rubbers are a necessity!                                    
                                                            
36744 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Peter Wilkins            



2. Frans Hals, Van Gogh and the rest,                       
The old Dutch painters are the best.                        
And do not forget                                           
The finest "pic" yet,                                       
Why not put our Nightwatch to the test?                     
                                                            
36745 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Peter Wilkins            



3. Flowers in Holland all 'round,                           
But in Amsterdamn they're hardly found.                     
Only flowershops                                            
Sell these colored crops.                                   
So many, very hard to count.                                
                                                            
36746 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Peter Wilkins            



There is something else you should know;                    
And easy way to let money flow.                             
Pickpockets are quick,                                      
It's tourists they nick.                                    
That was 4: The end of this row.                            
                                                            
36747 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Tjarda                   



When traveling in Holland by bike,                          
Something happened that I didn't like.                      
I was way too heavy                                         
And crashed on a levee;                                     
My finger got stuck in a dyke.                              
                                                            
36748 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Bill Wall                



In Holland there's one thing I like:                        
Thats to ride 'round the town on my bike.                   
'Tis a great place to linger                                
With protruding finger;                                     
You can stick it into a dike.                               
                                                            
36749 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND                             



A Holland-bred beauty named Sue,                            
She diddled her boyfriend, Nanu,                            
In the tulips each day,                                     
In a manner risque;                                         
I would like to be him, woodenshoe?                         
                                                            
36750 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Cap'n Bean               



A polder's a flat piece of land,                            
Full of Friesians and Dutchmen who stand                    
Looking up at the sea                                       
If they can, 'cause it's three                              
Metres higher than ever they planned.                       
                                                            
36751 LOCATION - EUROPE - HOLLAND    Peter Wilkins            



All roads, it is said, lead to Rome,         (ITAL)         
So the Romans don't get far from home.                      
If a Roman starts roamin',                                  
He's soon back at Rome 'n'                                  
Asks, "Why did I ever leave home?"                          
                                                            
36752 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Laurence Perrine    P8805



There was a young person of Naples                          
Whose diet was mainly of staples;                           
Much corn and much rice                                     
And fish he though nice,                                    
For these were the staples of Naples.                       
                                                            
36753 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Anon                     



It was on the south bank of the Po,                         
That a young lady tourist named Flo,                        
Laid a husky Italian                                        
With balls like a stallion,                                 
Who was oddly named Roger, not Joe.                         
                                                            
36754 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY                          G0670



Said a weather forecaster named Dorrance                    
Overseas, rain had in torrents.                             
He noted wittily                                            
In Southern Italy                                           
He gaged seven inches in Florence.            (ITAL)        
                                                            
36755 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Bob Giandomenico    P8805



Behold young Biovanni the Italian,                          
Quite wholly devoted to dallyin'.                           
Laying chicks in the Forum                                  
With no sense of decorum --                                 
A regular Romanized stallion.                               
                                                            
36756 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Armand E Singer        19



We stayed at the Grand Hotel, Roma;                         
On the wall was a four star diploma.                        
It was up on a hill                                         
And when I got the bill,                                    
I knew that I should have stayed homa                       
                                                            
36757 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



In Florence you don't need a keen eye                       
To notice the art work that we spy.                         
The city we found,                                          
With statues abounds,                                       
Of men sporting scrota and peni.                            
                                                            
36758 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



A friend of ours living in Venice,                          
Found a guru who taught him what Zen is.                    
Meditating, my pal                                          
Fell right in a canal;                                      
Those flooded old streets are a menace.                     
                                                            
36759 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



His Croatian tour guide was a hit;                          
Full of energy she never quit.                              
Her Zagreb and Dubrovnik                                    
Gave him a big kick;                                        
What he really liked best was her Split.                    
                                                            
36760 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



On the ferry boat ride to Hvar,                             
The distance was not very far.                              
But the many wind spurts                                    
Blew up the girls' skirts,                                  
Causing views that were fit for a Czar.                     
                                                            
36761 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



The idyllic old island Hvar                                 
In our diary rates a big star.                              
On our walk near the shore,                                 
We saw nipples galore,                                      
'Cause nobody there wears a bra.                            
                                                            
36762 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



A virile young fellow from Gallion,                         
Who was hung like a champion stallion,                      
Said, "I've tripped the world 'round                        
And from practice I've found                                
None can match the hot female Italian.                      
                                                            
36763 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Grand Prix Lim  562      



Deep 'neath the Isle of Capri,                              
The Blue Grotto is reached from the sea.                    
With awe it will fill you,                                  
Overwhelm you and thrill you,                               
You'll soil yourself, I guarantee.                          
                                                            
36764 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Theo M. Heller      P9411



On foreign affairs when in Pisa;                            
If girls tilt their heads that means she's a...             
Head tilting's the cue                                      
And that means that you                                     
Can VENI to VICI like Caesar.                               
                                                            
36765 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Irving Superior     P9407



A Boston girl, visiting Napoli                              
Succumbed to a Latin, quite happily.                        
Her dream turned to dust,                                   
The affair was a bust;                                      
For the Latin made love rather crappily.                    
                                                            
36766 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Don Boen            P8201



My sweetie's a native-born Etnan;                           
She's forty, but still, she won't pet none.                 
In times of great need,                                     
I walk into tall weed,                                      
And daydream about a wild wet nun.                          
                                                            
36767 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY                               



In Naples a man named Mountbatten                           
Had purchased some porkers to fatten.                       
When he "Soo-wee'd" the swine                               
Only one came to dine,                                      
For the other ones only spoke Latin.                        
                                                            
36768 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Cyber Geezer             



Make your next vacation to Pisa;                            
Town's got many a bosomy tease-a                            
You still have to pay,                                      
But may shout "Hooray!"                                     
In Pisa they'll always take VISA!                           
                                                            
36769 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Marlene Lewis            



In Italy the river Po                                       
Through Po-land tends to gently flow                        
Till Polacks 'Po-land' hear.                                
Will Warsaw interferre                                      
When southward Polack 'Paisans' go?                         
                                                            
36770 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Irving Superior     P8909



A person from fair Oklahoma,                                
Quite fervertly wished to see Roma.                         
But when he got there                                       
He just sniffed the air                                     
And suddenly fell in a coma.                                
                                                            
36771 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Ernest B. Mainze    P8411



The tale that Pisa's tower has cracks,                      
Of misrepresentation it smacks.                             
Many ponder the meaning                                     
Of the old tower's leaning,                                 
Which could be explained as parallax.                       
                                                            
36772 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



In Pisa, they've straightened the tower                     
With great engineering power.                               
Well, wouldn't you scoff                                    
If Juliet fell off,                                         
When she leaned to take Romeo's flower?                     
                                                            
36773 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Tony Burrell             



Galileo propounded the power                                
Of gravity on that same tower.                              
Did Julie fall off,                                         
She would ding on her doff,                                 
Just as fast as a feathery flower.                          
                                                            
36774 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Tiddy Ogg                



I think you have misplaced the scene;                       
Our Juliet there has not been.                              
The damsel of Pisa                                          
Awaiting her geezer,                                        
Was surely the other, Eileen.                               
                                                            
36775 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Tiddy Ogg                



I'm certain it was not our Juliet,                          
But maybe some other cocette,                               
Someone was up there                                        
And having a tup there,                                     
But Romeo was not there yet.                                
                                                            
36776 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Dennis Hammes            



If you've got enough cash to see Venice on,                 
Hire a Grand Canal gal as your benison.                     
But after you fondle her                                    
On the poop of the gondola,                                 
Remember to lay a few pennies on.                           
(benison - blessing, benediction)                           
36777 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Conrad Aiken             



At school I was made to take classes                        
In Latin.  The problem, alas, is                            
Amo and amat                                                
And amas and all that                                       
Does not impress Italian lasses.                            
                                                            
36778 LOCATION - EUROPE - ITALY      Peter Wilkins            



There are men from the north of Helsinki                    
Who think teetotalism is kinki,                             
So the long nights pass by                                  
With loud burps and the cry                                 
of "Lesh 'ave anuvver li'l drinki."                         
                                                            
36779 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Bob Turvey          P0109



It's an old Scandinavian custom                             
To make maidenheads pop when they bust 'em.                 
That's why Swedes and Norwegians                            
Crown northernmost regions,                                 
And virgin old maids so disgust 'em.                        
                                                            
36780 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Grand Prix Lim  382      



American's hardly can tell                                  
Where the railway excursions are swell,                     
But any Norwegian                                           
Confirms there's a legion                                   
Of return tickets issued to Hell.              (NOR)        
                                                            
36781 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Bill Backe-Hansen   P8805



Never think of a Lapp as a sap,                             
For they've oceans of passion on tap...                     
Lappafloozies bewail                                        
Ever waving a tail,                                         
Or they'll get a flail in their Lapp lap.                   
                                                            
36782 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Grand Prix Lim  830      



A Scandiphile girl in Zagorsk,                              
Invited to do something coarsk,                             
Replied, "I have likings                                    
For boardings by Vikings,                                   
But you, sir, of coursk, are not Norsk.'                    
                                                            
36783 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE                               



A curious lady of Norway                                    
Was wondering, "What does the score say?"                   
She referred to the fact                                    
That the screwiest act                                      
Was performed by herself as a door-lay.                     
                                                            
36784 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Bill Backe-Hansen   P9702



The Bishop of Bergen complains                              
That women within his domains,                              
Have dallied with legions                                   
Of horny Norwegians,                                        
And Heaven know how many Danes.                             
                                                            
36785 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Paul Bowman              



Said a man from a northernly region,                        
"I found in the south, sex is legion.                       
And I could avail                                           
Myself of some tail,                                        
But I prefer a Norwegian collegian."                        
                                                            
36786 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An eager young man from Stockholm,                          
After giving his girl a walk home,                          
Would coerce her surrender,                                 
Then over he'd bend her,                                    
And ram his hot throbbing cock home.                        
                                                            
36787 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      MrMalo                   



There once was a man from Helsinki,                         
Whose dilly was awfully dinky;                              
One eighth of a pound,                                      
At a half inch around,                                      
And not quite as long as your pinky.                        
                                                            
36788 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      MrMalo                   



Some ladies I met in Smolensk,                              
Had passionate yearnings for gentsk;                        
And since all their needs                                   
Were served by the Swedes,                                  
They hollered for men who were Svensk.                      
                                                            
36789 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE                               



In Sweden's old region of Gotland,                          
Plagued by rodents and mice, was a pot land.                
But deductable cats                                         
If held for hunting rats,                                   
And a farmer's appeal made it hot land.                     
                                                            
36790 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Cyber Wizard             



In Sweden's old region of Gotland,                          
Plagued by rodents and mice was a knotland,                 
But held hunting the cuss,                                  
Some deductable puss,                                       
And the farmer's appeal made it hot land.                   
                                                            
36791 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Cyber Wizard             



The Swedes have all sat on their tushies                    
And let the rats turn them to woosies.                      
So to poison they turn                                      
And the carnivore's yearn,                                  
But it's good they're supporting the pussys!                
                                                            
36792 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Cyber Wizard             



The Chamber of Commerce in Sweden                           
Has tourist brochures most misleading.                      
They've changed Sweden's name                               
But spelled it the same.                                    
Now Sweden, they claim's S. W. EDEN.                        
                                                            
36793 LOCATION - EUROPE - NORSE      Irving Superior     P8709



My vacation is over and done,                               
Spain's hot sunny beaches were fun.                         
The food's always great,                                    
The wine is first rate,                                     
But now I weigh close to a ton.                             
                                                            
36794 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN      Carol                    



Got our first Christmas card today,                         
With Christmas still one month away.                        
This doesn't seem right;                                    
We go to Spain tonight                                      
For our late summer holiday.                                
                                                            
36795 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN      Tony Burrell             



In two weeks now I'll be in Spain;                          
Sorry if I'm being a pain.                                  
Tapas, sangria                                              
You'll hear me cheer                                        
Unless, of course, I see some rain.                         
                                                            
36796 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



A cute girl from Spain once asked me                        
For lessons in English for free;                            
"How do you spell 'sexed'?"                                 
She asked, quite perplexed,                                 
I taught her to spell it: I-T.                              
(not a clue - McW)                                          
36797 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



I'm of two minds over Spaniards.                            
Some flamenco charm - their young lads,                     
But generally turds                                         
Whilst chomping through thirds                              
Of plates of bulls ears and gonads.                         
                                                            
36798 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



Dear Chuck, he with minimal brain,                          
Has passed English For Dummies again;                       
Yes; he's now at Grade 3                                    
And as happy can be,                                        
'Cause he's won a vacation in Spain.                        
                                                            
36799 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



But god knows why Spain for he shan't                       
Be too happy out there 'cause he can't                      
Speak the lingo at all,                                     
Though I seem to recall                                     
That a relative lives there -- an aunt.                     
                                                            
36800 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



But anyway, Spain was the prize.                            
Coming third in the class -- no surprise                    
That dear Chuck won 'cause                                  
I discovered he was                                         
In a class with but two other guys.                         
                                                            
36801 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



So "Chuck", I said, "Very well done.                        
That's the best thing you ever have won."                   
And he beamed and went red;                                 
"I've heard rumours", he said,                              
"That in Spain, it's all sand, sea and sun."                
                                                            
36802 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



"Now *that*, Chuck, depends where you go."                  
"It's the Costa del Packet, you know;                       
And my friend, Lucky Jim                                    
Says it's heaving with quim.                                
I said, 'Quim Jim? What's quim?" He said. 'Oh.'             
                                                            
36803 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



Then he tried to explain it to me                           
Using graphic vocabulary                                    
Which confused me the more.                                 
(He's got English Grade 4                                   
And knows 4 letter words starting C.)                       
                                                            
36804 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



Forgotten them now; but it seems                            
There is sun, sand and C beyond dreams;                     
There'll be queues at my door                               
And I'm certain to score;                                   
No resorting to underhand schemes.                          
                                                            
36805 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



"But Jim is too clever for me.                              
What's he mean? I dunno, but yippee;                        
I'll have wonderful fun                                     
In the sand and the sun                                     
And can't wait to get into the C."                          
                                                            
36806 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



"But first celebrations are due",                           
I said, "Best thing you did was get through                 
Your exam at Grade 3                                        
And that's infinitely                                       
More important than having a screw."                        
                                                            
36807 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



"A screw?" (Poor old Chuck) "Never mind",                   
I said, "Go to the kitchen; you'll find                     
I have bought us some C                                     
H  A  M  P  A  G                                            
N  E."  (Damn, 't was a trifle unkind.)                     
                                                            
36808 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



"Some C  H  A ... what did you say?"                        
(I must cease teasing Chuck in this way.)                   
"It's Champagne for your pass                               
At Grade 3, a small glass;                                  
Celebrations are due on this day."                          
                                                            
36809 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



"Ooh Champers!" he said, "Did you know                      
That's a fun fizzy..."  "Yes", I said, "Go."                
"Goody gumdrops", he said,                                  
With a grin as he sped                                      
To the kitchen his face all aglow.                          
                                                            
36810 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



An hour or so later, no sound;                              
So I went to the kitchen and found                          
Him with bottles galore                                     
Strewn all over the floor                                   
And his school books spread out all around.                 
                                                            
36811 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



"Hey, Chuck. What's the matter my son?"                     
"I've been reading these labels; not one                    
Says 'Champagne' that I see,                                
And my dictionary                                           
With its pictures ain't helping me none."                   
                                                            
36812 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



Forlornly he sighed with a shrug;                           
How I wished I could give him a hug.                        
I should never have spelt                                   
Out 'Champagne' so I helped                                 
Him to open the bottle of Krug.                             
                                                            
36813 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN                               



Pamplona's only great action?                               
Go with the bull-running faction.                           
If you slip, be assured                                     
You'll be trampled or gored.                                
That's why it's a tourist attraction.                       
                                                            
36814 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN      Tom Myers                



If ever you're visiting Spain,                              
And question just "Where falls the rain?"                   
They'll point over there,                                   
And most everywhere,                                        
With answers that seldom are plain.                         
                                                            
36815 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN      Irving Superior     P9710



There is now a fellow in Spain                              
So weary of "where falls the rain",                         
That if you persist,                                        
He raises his fist                                          
And makes it exceedingly plain.                             
                                                            
36816 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN      Irving Superior     P8906



A Spaniard who wanted to see                                
The wide world, went to work on the sea,                    
And in ports 'round the planet,                             
If things went as he'd plan it,                             
Pliant ladies would tell him, "Si, si."                     
                                                            
36817 LOCATION - EUROPE - SPAIN      John Sandler        P9112



California is no longer great;                              
An invasion created this fate.                              
Here's a fact you should know:                              
If you don't stop the flow,                                 
You are not welcome back in our state.                      
                                                            
36818 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Jim Weaver Collection    



You have come to our land undetected,                       
And in numbers much more than expected.                     
We've not insincere,                                        
But we have some fear,                                      
And it's mostly 'cause you're dark-complected.              
                                                            
36819 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Al Willis           P9608



Sometimes when you measure worth                            
Of people that live here on earth;                          
It would be wise                                            
To find their disguise,                                     
Concealing the place of their birth.                        
                                                            
36820 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION                                  



I say that when push comes to shove,                        
Illegals should not get our love.                           
But if she's like Selena,                                   
I'd like to detain her,                                     
So, forget what I just said above.                          
                                                            
36821 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Al Willis           P9608



"California, Here I Come"                                   
Wetbacks whistle, sing, or hum.                             
And they're taught                                          
If they are caight,                                         
"Back to Where I Started From."                             
                                                            
36822 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Irving Superior     P9501



It's the same here in Santa Fe;                             
Californians keep coming to stay.                           
It used to be Texans                                        
We'd like to put hex-ons,                                   
Now we wish the road west was one-way!                      
                                                            
36823 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION                                  



In Seattle we all used to say                               
That it rains here almost every day.                        
But now the beauty we found                                 
Around Puget Sound,                                         
Has Californians coming our way.                            
                                                            
36824 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION                                  



Now a few we could probably endure,                         
But right now we'd all like a cure                          
For this sad infestation,                                   
Californian invasion,                                       
That's turning this town to manure.                         
                                                            
36825 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION                                  



A Chicano was acting quite dense;                           
He was caught as he jumped from the fence.                  
"I din do no crime,                                         
And here is a dime.                                         
Por favor, call my lawyer; call Spence."                    
                                                            
36826 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Jim Weaver Collection    



These Mexes are crazy. It's proved!                         
Coming here, their life won't be improved.                  
No jobs; that's the pity;                                   
They're in Mexico City,                                     
Where all of our factories have moved.                      
                                                            
36827 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         MrMalo                   



Said the Border Patrol to the Wet Back,                     
"I GOTCHA! You've suffered a setback.                       
Now maybe you oughta                                        
Get back 'cross the border,                                 
And maybe your balls you will get-back."                    
                                                            
36828 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Theo M. Heller      P9608



Stop eating those Chili Con Quesos                          
When the Border Patrol has its say-sos.                     
Just get a green card;                                      
It's really not hard;                                       
Just come up with barrels of pesos.                         
                                                            
36829 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Theo M. Heller      P9608



When they swim across that Rio Grande,                      
I usually take a firm stand, see?                           
I also hate boaters                                         
When they have no quotas,                                   
Unless some of the girls are quite randy.                   
                                                            
36830 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Al Willis           P9608



Illegal alien Mexicans forlorn, ya                          
Once owned what is now California.                          
Prop 187                                                    
Lets ya die, go to Heaven.                                  
I hope that it's alright to morn ya.                        
                                                            
36831 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Dorman John Grace   P9502



187 will put us in shape,                                   
To the burden of white man escape.                          
Though, how under the sun,                                  
Can we have so much fun                                     
If we have no more goats left to scape?                     
                                                            
36832 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9502



So you enter our land with deceit?                          
You're illegal and I must repeat:                           
Is this common sense?                                       
To jump over the fence?                                     
And you do this 'cause you like to eat?                     
                                                            
36833 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Al Willis           P9608



Because of Prop 187                                         
Immigrants can't get into heaven.                           
Without this brood                                          
Selling food,                                               
It's the end of 7 Eleven.                                   
                                                            
36834 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Tom Patton          P9502



The 187 Proposition                                         
Can affect a wetback's disposition.                         
Sans support from the state,                                
Immigrant waves will abate,                                 
And inhibit demographic transition.                         
                                                            
36835 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Thomas G. Keller    P9502



Why did workers for Juan's Lawn and Grass                   
Seem to vanish completely, en masse?                        
They heard Juan's warning words:                            
"Go and hide, you sick birds!                               
Immigration has come for your ass!"                         
                                                            
36836 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         William N. Nesbit   P9607



Pete Wilson shouts, "Hey, Border Rover,                     
Don't think you can live her in clover.                     
We passed 187                                               
Not to keep you from heaven,                                
But our melting pot's boiling over."                        
(187 - Calif law denying benefits to illegal aliens)        
36837 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Evelyn Bogen        P9701



Vicente Fox, in some of his talks,                          
Tells anti-immigration hawks,                               
Crossings should be by far,                                 
Easier than they are.                                       
Just what does he want - moving sidewalks?                  
                                                            
36838 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Jim Weaver          P0401



Said the candidate, a minority hater,                       
"I'm a DAR... so is my Mater."                              
Her opponent, who licked her                                
Said, "Immigration was stricter,                            
When my folks arrived much, much later."                    
                                                            
36839 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Theo M. Heller      P9608



Foreign nationals who find their luck hard,                 
In the lotto to win a green card,                           
May have better success                                     
To forget INS                                               
And sneak in at night past a guard.                         
                                                            
36840 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Prof M-G                 



In the past, I have made many speeches,                     
And I have called illegals "leeches."                       
There is no disputing                                       
They don't know computing.                                  
We'll be up to our ears in ripe peaches.                    
                                                            
36841 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         Al Willis           P9608



The story of Manuel the wetback,                            
Is filled with many a setback.                              
Crossing between nations                                    
With mass deportations;                                     
The first thing he tries is to get back.                    
                                                            
36842 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION         MrMalo                   



Think y'all got a case of the crankies?                     
Well, girls put away your wet hankies.                      
Whatcha cryin' about?                                       
Way down heah in sout'                                      
Carolina, we's crawlin wid Yankees.                         
                                                            
36843 LOCATION - IMMIGRATION                                  



I went to the beach on this day                             
And was hoping for waves come to play,                      
But the sea was all lumpy.                                  
I think it was grumpy                                       
And the sky was a little bit gray.                          
                                                            
36844 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Archie                   



If my job were the best it could be,                        
I would test every beach by the sea.                        
I would spend several days                                  
Near the surf, catching rays,                               
And go swimming, of course, for a fee.                      
                                                            
36845 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Limerick Man             



When asked to make love by the sea,                         
Young Jackson would never agree.                            
"No!  Never!" he cried.                                     
But Oh, how he lied,                                        
'Cause he did it!  He did it with me!                       
                                                            
36846 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Jon come to da big Susquehanna                              
Where tally-man tally banana.                               
Fo dat wee Gear-hardware,                                   
Dere be no tally dere,                                      
An' no pole to prop up his cabana.                          
                                                            
36847 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Scene two,  we'll shoot on location.                        
A tropical far away nation.                                 
Under palm trees,                                           
Quiet blue seas,                                            
This scene will be a sensation.                             
                                                            
36848 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



The title's "Paradise Found."                               
Your ship's just run aground.                               
On this desert isle,                                        
Now miles and miles,                                        
Away, there's no one around.                                
                                                            
36849 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Oh look, what's that you see,                               
Lying under the only palm tree?                             
A sun tanned girl,                                          
Long golden curls,                                          
Arms outstretched with a plea.                              
                                                            
36850 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



"Save me, I've been here so long,                           
You're so big and so strong,                                
Please quench my thirst,                                    
I'm ready to burst,                                         
Won't you give me a taste of your dong?"                    
                                                            
36851 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



And being an accommodating guy,                             
And seeing my lips were so dry,                             
Not twice did you think,                                    
A long, long drink,                                         
You gave me, with pleasure you comply.                      
                                                            
36852 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



"I see that you're thirsty, too.                            
Now here's is a drink for you.                              
My clit's dripping wet,                                     
Take all you can get,                                       
Don't stop." And my pleasure grew                           
                                                            
36853 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Wait, now we're losing the light.                           
Guess we have to stay here tonight.                         
We'll practice our lines,                                   
And the bumps and grinds,                                   
Until we get it just right.                                 
                                                            
36854 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Her body was lovely and tight,                              
But the morning was not enough bright                       
To distinguish the tips                                     
Of her roseate nips,                                        
And I cursed at the dawn's surly light.                     
                                                            
36855 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



When Castro first came to power,                            
He was hailed as the "Man Of The Hour."                     
But despite what was said,                                  
He turned out to be "Red",                                  
And relations with "Uncle" turned sour.                     
                                                            
36856 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Gifford Wherry           



I dream of a small island Eden                              
Between the equator and Sweden,                             
Where the climate is not                                    
Too cold or too hot                                         
For delectable lovin' and breedin'.                         
                                                            
36857 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Laurence Perrine    P9411



If wanting some sex you're in luck:                         
The Islands of Rhum, Eigg and Muck                          
Have girls, shapely built,                                  
Who'll lift up your kilt                                    
And give you a blow job or fuck.                            
                                                            
36858 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Tiddy Ogg                



The ladies of Eigg, Muck and Rhum,                          
Though mainlanders claim them real dumb,                    
Will give satisfaction                                      
In all carnal action,                                       
You're guaranteed, fellas, to come.                         
                                                            
36859 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Tiddy Ogg                



The ladies of Rhum, Muck and Eigg                           
Show acres of stomach and leg;                              
But when they want stuffin',                                
They strip to the buff 'n'                                  
Lie down on a hummock and beg.                              
                                                            
36860 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Peter Wilkins            



There once was a young man from Guam;                       
Indeed, Guam was where he was from.                         
He was not very old                                         
And so it is told                                           
That this man was a young man from Guam.                    
                                                            
36861 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



This young man from Guam had a dad,                         
But just one dad was all that he had.                       
He never did bother                                         
To get a new father,                                        
Since one was enough for the lad.                           
                                                            
36862 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



This Young man from Guam had a mother;                      
Like his dad, he did not need another.                      
This woman from Guam                                        
Proved to be a good mom,                                    
So the kid didn't want any other.                           
                                                            
36863 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



This Guam family needed a pet;                              
With that, they'd be perfectly set.                         
So they went out and got                                    
A small wombat named Spot,                                  
The best Guam family pet they could get.                    
                                                            
36864 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



This family lived in a house                                
That amazingly had not one mouse,                           
Justt a roof and four walls                                 
And some room and some halls,                               
And a wombat, young man, dad and spouse.                    
                                                            
36865 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



It was said of the family from Guam that                    
Though they were quite pleased with their wombat,           
They soon were inclined                                     
To get a feline,                                            
So they went and obtained a small tomcat.                   
                                                            
36866 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



The family from Guam with the wombat,                       
The same ones who owned the small tomcat,                   
They found out belated,                                     
The two pets had mated,                                     
And produced an offspring: a womcat.                        
                                                            
36867 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



"I know just what I want for my present,"                   
Said the wife in a rage, incandescent.                      
"When I said 'distant and hot'                              
I meant Hawaii, you clot!                                   
Not a picture of the Sun from our crescent!"                
                                                            
36868 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



If you fasten your ear to a shell                           
It will conjure a magical spell.                            
The sands of Hawaii                                         
Will whisper "How are ya?                                   
Aloha.  Hello and farewell."                                
                                                            
36869 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Laurence Perrine         



Hawaii -- it's not called the Dole.                         
(The Pineapple King's in control).                          
The question -- assure                                      
There's bread for the poor.                                 
The answer (Hawaii) is Dough'll.                            
                                                            
36870 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Irving Superior     P8609



Life on a tropical isle is stupidity,                       
As many men learn with rapidity.                            
Their organs will wilt,                                     
And lose their fine tilt;                                   
It is not the heat, it's humidity.                          
                                                            
36871 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Lynn Mostafa             



After hours of rumblin' and shakin',                        
We pulled into Clap -- I was achin'.                        
Then I missed my next train,                                
So numb was my brain                                        
That I couldn't decipher Jamaican!                          
                                                            
36872 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



I dream of a tropical isle                                  
Where the maidens, unconscious of style,                    
Are dressed in a fashion                                    
Designed to impassion,                                      
Wear only a lei and a smile.                                
                                                            
36873 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Laurence Perrine    P9411



All tourists Hawaii--a lei.                                 
Temptation they then must allay.                            
Those wits that are dim,                                    
Will lei homonym                                            
While others with more class will Ole.                      
                                                            
36874 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Irving Superior     P9411



The Light House, not far from Brighton,                     
Is manned by a fellow named Crichton,                       
But lately 'tis found                                       
Many ships run aground...                                   
"Well," he says, "I can't sleep with the light on."         
                                                            
36875 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



We are now on the isle of Kaua'i,                           
Where prices of food are quite hai.                         
So it's true, I confess,                                    
That we're eating much less,                                
But we're making love three times a dai.                    
                                                            
36876 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't look forward to springtime and hay,                   
Because Eva won't be there in May.                          
She will be southward bound                                 
On Maltese lovely ground.                                   
For at least fourteen days she will stay!                   
                                                            
36877 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



A man once from Martha's Vineyard,                          
Had a cock 'twas especially hard.                           
So he could get laid,                                       
He found a fair maid,                                       
From Nantucket, where he had been barred.                   
                                                            
36878 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Arden                    



The President's in Martha's Vineyard--                      
I sure hope he doesn't get injured.                         
I've had such a hard time                                   
Getting "Vineyard" to rhyme....                             
I wish he had gone to Nantucket.                            
                                                            
36879 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



While watching this hula on Maui,                           
My hormones and I shouted, "Waui!"                          
As closer they drew,                                        
To better the view,                                         
Her boyfriend or husband went "Paui!"                       
                                                            
36880 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Irving Superior     P9411



Nan, Saw, and Paw, of Setucket,                             
Between them had only one bucket.                           
Nan took it and ran                                         
And the trouble began;                                      
Sawtucket, Pawtucket, Nantucket.                            
                                                            
36881 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Conrad Aiken             



Nantucket is near Cape Cod Mass.                            
Getting there is a pain in the ass.                         
But it certainly is pretty                                  
When compared to the city,                                  
But when there, do not walk on the grass.                   
                                                            
36882 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



Now, getting there is not a pain;                           
I often have done it, by plane.                             
But you took the ferry,                                     
Which isn't so merry;                                       
Go by air if you go there again.                            
                                                            
36883 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a place called New Zealand                   
With white, black, and red colored sea sand.                
No signs do they post;                                      
You just go and roast;                                      
The beaches unequaled - all free land.                      
                                                            
36884 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



Each time you pronounce Oahu                                
Make sure your sweetheart's with you.                       
Your lips purse to O;                                       
Then AH your lips go;                                       
And then you prolong U to OO.                               
                                                            
36885 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Irving Superior     P9411



There once was a Filipino hombre,                           
Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre.                           
His trousers were wide,                                     
And his shirt hung outside,                                 
And this, I may say, was costumbre.                         
                                                            
36886 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



But now it is time to depart;                               
We must get our next travel's start,                        
And hop on a boat                                           
From this island, remote,                                   
To leave for an exotic part.                                
                                                            
36887 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Young Robinson Crusoe would laud                            
The island he found far abroad;                             
Though for England he yearned,                              
He never returned,                                          
Preferring his own native sod.                              
                                                            
36888 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



But no more the rat-race he'd run;                          
He spent his time basking in sun.                           
He'd much time to play,                                     
And not like today;                                         
By Friday his work would be done.                           
                                                            
36889 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



I did my young Sue in the sea.                              
Libations rinsed off in the lea,                            
And smidgens of sand                                        
Soon ravaged my gland.                                      
I later went hands-free to pee.                             
                                                            
36890 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Sand 'twixt your cheeks is a pain;                          
When you walk, you can feel every grain.                    
Makes you walk like a cowboy,                               
Makes you want to say "Ow! Boy,                             
I'll never try that way again!"                             
                                                            
36891 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        KJ                       



On a small desert island young Jay                          
Viewed with horror the coming of day,                       
For he still felt the effects                               
Of three weeks of straight sex...                           
And THERE, WAITING FOR IT, was Kay!                         
                                                            
36892 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Grand Prix Lim   97      



Anthropologists, clear-eyed, sincere,                       
In the far South Pacific one year,                          
Discovered graffiti                                         
On ancient Tahiti:                                          
Kilroy and Paul Gaughuin were here.                         
                                                            
36893 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Laurence Perrine    P9411



In Spitzbergen each year this date                          
Their Annual Expectorate.                                   
(If touring the land,                                       
Do not down wind stand)                                     
They're choosing their next head of State.                  
                                                            
36894 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Irving Superior     P8709



Don't think that the girls of Tahiti                        
Are sexy.  They're bug-eyed and meaty;                      
And toothless and hairy                                     
And have beri-beri,                                         
And tattoos that look like graffiti.                        
                                                            
36895 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Theo M. Heller      P9411



What a great place is this Tonga!                           
These men with a bare naked dong!  A                        
Couple or few                                               
Are wider than you,                                         
But I've yet to see them have one longa!                    
                                                            
36896 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Ericka                   



Oh god, I can't wait any longer;                            
My throbbing is getting much stronger.                      
Oh bugger! We've come                                       
To a stop. What a bumm-                                     
er! Good heavens! We're somewhere in Tonga!                 
                                                            
36897 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



I know that our sex was terrific                            
And worthy I'm sure of certific-                            
ates printed in gold,                                       
But we seem to have rolled                                  
Right across to the Western Pacific.                        
                                                            
36898 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



While aiming and firing my gun all                          
That time, while decoking your funnel,                      
(Remember those cheers?)                                    
It appears engineers                                        
Were constructing and digging a tunnel.                     
                                                            
36899 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



This tropical island is brimmin'                            
With good-looking bare-breasted women.                      
Oh sorry, my peach,                                         
Let's go down to the beach,                                 
And strip naked for skinny-dip swimmin'.                    
                                                            
36900 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jim Weaver Collection    



Utopia ... tropical seas,                                   
Relaxing 'neath coconut trees.                              
A bottle of wine                                            
With my dinner at nine,                                     
And a twice-nightly squeeze with Louise.                    
                                                            
36901 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Reality...mountainous seas,                                 
No shelter from rain 'neath the trees,                      
Some water and bread                                        
Before going to bed                                         
And a kick in the balls from Louise.                        
                                                            
36902 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



It's true that when we reached our cave,                    
[No not the one where lives old Dave]                       
I took the plunge,                                          
And absorbed like a sponge                                  
All the juices that my tongue did crave.                    
                                                            
36903 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



Of Africa's large continent,                                
I hope that with this you're content.                       
If it's not to your liking,                                 
You could always go hiking,                                 
[And WASTE all this DOUGH I have spent!]                    
                                                            
36904 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH                                 



It's beautiful, St Croix, V.I.                              
The hills and the sea and the sky,                          
All green and blue                                          
Of infinite hue.                                            
Be good -- you'll go there when you die.                    
                                                            
36905 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Karen                    



There once was a continent -- Mu --                         
That sank 'neath the waves near Peru.                       
The head Preying Mantis                                     
Had moved to Atlantis,                                      
And who took the gold with him?  Guess who.                 
                                                            
36906 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Neal Wilgus         P8308



On vacation we hoped to explore                             
A little resort by the shore,                               
Till we heard the man say,                                  
"It's so crowded today                                      
That nobody goes there any more."                           
                                                            
36907 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        A. N. Wilkins       P8709



"We felt," said the Lady of Strand,                         
"That the park on the beach is just grand.                  
There are plenty of benches                                 
For young lads and their wenches,                           
And their fannies are out of the sand."                     
                                                            
36908 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Albin Chaplin 3024  G0193



Said a cruise ship captain, Bruce Band,                     
"Females at sea are putty in hand."                         
On one cruise he found                                      
His ship ran aground.                                       
"Next time it's love on the sand."                          
                                                            
36909 LOCATION - ISLAND/BEACH        Jack Benfield            



The aging French courtesan said,                            
"I've had too many men in my bed.                           
And one of these days                                       
I must change my ways,"                                     
So she fucked on the sofa instead.                          
                                                            
36910 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



Way back in the old days of yore,                           
When young couples slept on the floor,                      
They were lucky to come                                     
Without splinters in bum,                                   
But it spurred them on to do more.                          
                                                            
36911 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD                                 



This story once gave me a kick,                             
About Flora was nailed by young Rick.                       
She was begging for more --                                 
He missed her -- hit the floor.                             
And was thereafter known as Splinter-dick.                  
                                                            
36912 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Frank Sfa                



That neighbor of yours, he was fried.                       
He forgot all about his new bride.                          
His wife said to him,                                       
You'll get none of my quim!                                 
With your vows you have never complied!"                    
                                                            
36913 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



The woman next door may have riches,                        
But she's known as a queen among bitches.                   
So who'd stand in line                                      
For that wealthy old swine,                                 
When wealthy young widows have itches.                      
                                                            
36914 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



The truth 'bout that young man named Pete:                  
He just couldn't help being effete...                       
With that agelic face                                       
And consumate grace,                                        
The sodomite said, "He's up our street!"                    
                                                            
36915 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



Poor Pete is so sore when he throws,                        
He no longer throws like the pros.                          
His rectum is wrecked,                                      
Which has its effect                                        
On his aim, which just add to his woes.                     
                                                            
36916 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



The teen you accuse of voyeurism                            
Is addicted to much onanism.                                
He loves to pull pud,                                       
Then come in the mud.                                       
He just doesn't value his jism.                             
                                                            
36917 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



The mouse that's known as Dufret                            
Is not off the hook, not quite yet!                         
It's still homicide;                                        
There'll be no free ride.                                   
She'll end up paying her debt!                              
                                                            
36918 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



The gent 'cross the way may be gay,                         
But he laid those two chicks anyway.                        
"I'd like to have kids                                      
Before time forbids,                                        
And I end up all dusty and grey."                           
                                                            
36919 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



If rumors about you are true,                               
To date you have nothing to rue.                            
It all seems quite proper;                                  
You've not come a cropper;                                  
But tomorrow you start life anew.                           
                                                            
36920 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Tutta Gioia              



Why were you in my neighborhood?                            
It's clear you've been up to no good!                       
You made up some dirt;                                      
Some feelings got hurt.                                     
You said things I thought no one would.                     
                                                            
36921 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Marlene Lewis            



You have maligned Pete and he's mad;                        
He's gone off to talk to his dad.                           
Jon's a great big bruiser.                                  
You will be the loser.                                      
Now why does that not make me sad?                          
                                                            
36922 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Marlene Lewis            



You picked on an old lady, too.                             
Though we thought she would not say Boo!                    
L'il Granny Dufret                                          
Is looking your way;                                        
I'd be worried if I were you.                               
                                                            
36923 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Marlene Lewis            



The teenager carries a blade;                               
The light-footed pair want to get laid.                     
The gent's got a rifle                                      
(I will get en eyeful!)                                     
You be afraid.  Very afraid.                                
                                                            
36924 LOCATION - NEIGHBORHOOD        Marlene Lewis            



We went North to old Archangelsk,                           
You ate cockles, winkles and whelksk,                       
And then got so hot                                         
From misuse of your twat,                                   
It caused half the ice cap to meltsk.                       
                                                            
36925 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Anon                     



There was a young lady of Minsk                             
Whose behind young men like to pinsk,                       
Till she purchased a gun                                    
Which made them all run.                                    
It's weapons that made them convinsk.                       
                                                            
36926 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Jan Sand                 



There once was a man from Yakutsk                           
Afflicted in one of his nutsk;                              
It would dance all around                                   
With a leap and a bound;                                    
The damn thing just wouldnt stay putsk                      
                                                            
36927 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



When the bishop of old Kalinin                              
Learned the age of the girl he had been in,                 
He performed an ablution                                    
Of self absolution,                                         
And with gusto went back to his sinnin'.                    
                                                            
36928 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



Your rendition has caused me to winsk,                      
'Cause he wasn't a czar but a prinsk,                       
Who offered his horscht                                     
For a bowl full of borscht,                                 
At the Belarus Battle of Minsk.                             
                                                            
36929 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



A girl from the city of Bratsk                              
Was fequently heard to say, "Dratsk!                        
I look like a ninny                                         
'Cause my legs are too skinny                               
And my boobies are drooping and flatsk."                    
                                                            
36930 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Hugh Clary               



Those Russian gals seem to be gagging                       
To sample a westerner's shagging.                           
It isn't too clear                                          
If they are sincere,                                        
Or whether they're just carpet-bagging.                     
                                                            
36931 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Cubby                    



There's a nude beach on Novaya Zemla;                       
Folks catch cold, and hock up such phlem ya                 
Have ne'er before seen,                                     
Both yellow and green;                                      
And the Doc sadly says: "Do svidanya!"                      
                                                            
36932 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



There is a young lady of Omsk                               
Who orgasms much like a bombsk.                             
"It's worse than I thought,                                 
For it's more like a sort                                   
Of Chernobyl," exploded young Tomsk.                        
                                                            
36933 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Peter Wilkins            



There once was a Chow dog from Kharkov                      
That no one could stop up the barkov.                       
On the Black Sea one day,                                   
He missed the gangway,                                      
And made a nice lunch for a sharkov.                        
                                                            
36934 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



A blonde girl who hailed from Kolotsk,                      
Went down to the local shopsk,                              
To buy underwear,                                           
Twelve gigarubles a pair,                                   
And each one had a hole in the crotsk.                      
                                                            
36935 LOCATION - RUSSIA              MrMalo                   



A comradely miss in Murmansk,                               
Was careful in making her plansk.                           
With her passions unchained,                                
It was clearly ordained,                                    
She'd end up with a mansk who was Dansk.                    
                                                            
36936 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



A bride from Dnepropetrovsk,                                
Whose honeymoon proved rather roughsk,                      
Having failed with a "Nyet!"                                
To fend off each new threat,                                
Screamed, "Dimitri!  Enough is enoughsk!"                   
                                                            
36937 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



There was a young lady of Russia                            
Who screamed so that no-one could hush her.                 
The noise was so bad                                        
That her husband went mad,                                  
And at last, down the loo tried to flush her.               
                                                            
36938 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Loads & Loads Lims  P0104



There was that one time in Murmansk                         
When Tiddy and Peter played pranksk.                        
They stole all my clothes;                                  
It was forty below.                                         
I nearly wound up with froze flanksk.                       
                                                            
36939 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



But then when we went to Irkutsk,                           
I seem to remember I putsk                                  
Some hot stuff inside ya,                                   
But trying to ride ya,                                      
Got sucked in as far as my footsk.                          
                                                            
36940 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy                    



I heard of your tryst in Dzerzhinsk                         
Where Tiddy's cold poker couldn'tsk                         
Awake from its slumber,                                     
Bereft of some lumber.                                      
You placed Peter's percy withinsk.                          
                                                            
36941 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Randog                   



A ship builders son from Gdansk                             
Paid loads to a stripper to dansk,                          
And strip to the buff,                                      
But he left in a huff,                                      
When she wouldn't get out of her pantsk.                    
                                                            
36942 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young boy from Murmansk                         
Who, from sexual play, never shransk.                       
But none of the egg-ers                                     
Ever got preggers;                                          
That poor Russian boy just shot blansk.                     
                                                            
36943 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



In Russia, a rule is enforsched,                            
'Cause many a wife's been divorsched                        
For serving a meal                                          
When the beets lack appeal;                                 
They're forbidden to heat a dead borscht.                   
                                                            
36944 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Hugh Clary               



Mused a tourist in Moscow named Fred,                       
As he humped young Natasha in bed:                          
"I am prosperous, true,                                     
But I so love to screw,                                     
That I've ended up here in the Red!"                        
                                                            
36945 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



And another test here in Irkutsk,                           
Where floozies yelled, "Show us your nutsk!"                
They said, "We decline;                                     
Prefer things bovine!                                       
So please present Bessie's big buttsk."                     
                                                            
36946 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



The maidens I knew in Irkutsk                               
Were swingers -- No if, ands, or butsk.                     
For them, coexistence                                       
Meant red-hot persistence                                   
In nightlong Siberian rutsk.                                
                                                            
36947 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Irkutsk,                          
Whose dong measured more than a footsk.                     
He lived on brown coal                                      
And when girls grabbed his pole,                            
He came; they got covered with sootsk.                      
                                                            
36948 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lad of Irutsk                             
Who lusted for Irma the slutsk.                             
She laughed at his pleading                                 
For fumbling and kneading,                                  
Then gave him a kick in the nutsk.                          
                                                            
36949 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Peter Wilkins            



A girl who is found on Kamchatka,                           
Can be had for a bottle of vodka;                           
I wanted to tarry,                                          
But the chick was so hairy,                                 
I never located her twatka.                                 
                                                            
36950 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Travis Brasell           



Her twatka is now in Gedansk;                               
She's opened it up for romansk.                             
So take your full flask                                     
Of vodka and ask                                            
This hairy chick to dropsk her pantsk.                      
                                                            
36951 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Travis Brasell           



The gangsters, the news reports said,                       
Wanted Russia's top anchorman dead.                         
Ours needn't fear                                           
From their wanting that here:                               
It would just be a waste of their lead.                     
                                                            
36952 LOCATION - RUSSIA              DC Dave                  



A swinger I chanced on in Minsk                             
Stripped fast to her White Russian skinsk.                  
As I fixed my square stare                                  
On this hip Russian bare,                                   
I felt out, but quite soon I was insk!                      
                                                            
36953 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Jim Weaver Collection    



Their resolve though was tested at Minsk,                   
When after much vodka and ginsk,                            
At a whorehouse they saw,                                   
Standing there in the door,                                 
Three floozies a-flashing their quimsk.                     
                                                            
36954 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



There was a young lady from Omsk                            
Who came like a hydrogen bombsk;                            
Her pleasure was heard                                      
Over more than a third                                      
Of old Russia, from Moscow to Tomsk.                        
                                                            
36955 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Peter Wilkins            



Priest-soldiers rolled into Murmansk                        
In rows upon rows of big tansk.                             
With celibacy,                                              
They all did agree...                                       
"When we needs to cum we just wansk!"                       
                                                            
36956 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



There was a young girl from Murmansk;                       
She was really built like a tansk.                          
If on you she'd jump                                        
For a good soldid hump,                                     
Then, if you survived, you'd give thansk.                   
                                                            
36957 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



A girlish star-gazer, Petrova,                              
Once thought she had simply gone nova.                      
It wasn't a quasar                                          
But the new Commisar,                                       
Coming over and over and over.                              
                                                            
36958 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Archie                   



There once were three sailors from Omsk,                    
Whose names were Jack, Terry, and Tomsk.                    
They hung out with hookers,                                 
'Cause they weren't good lookers;                           
With regular girls, they just bombsk.                       
                                                            
36959 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



That silly young boy from Murmansk                          
Loved playing fun practical pransk.                         
His friends weren't amused                                  
And they all accused                                        
Him of needing to be on some transk.                        
                                                            
36960 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



The Russian czar had been shot.                             
In Prussia the Kaiser was not.                              
Does that mean the Prussians                                
Were nicer than Russians,                                   
Or was one and wasn't one caught?                           
                                                            
36961 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Irving Superior          



At this question most scholars must balk:                   
"Just how does a smart Russian Jew talk                     
To a dumb Russian Jew?"                                     
He talks, it is true,                                       
Long distance -- by phone -- from New York.                 
                                                            
36962 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Arthur Deex         P8404



There was a young man from Polotsk                          
Who had, for to pee in, no potsk.                           
The Shiite militia                                          
Said "Igor, we wish ya                                      
Would not leave a trail of wet dotsk."                      
                                                            
36963 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



Young Ivan who once worked for Pravda,                      
Thought sheep shagging wrong, and he'd havda                
Fuck squirrels instead.                                     
So he took one to bed...                                    
Lost his nutsk!  Have you heard a tale dafda?               
                                                            
36964 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



She asked, "Is that old Boris Gudenov?                      
Do you think, at his age he'll have woodenov?               
I'll make the man's day."                                   
Then cried in dismay,                                       
"Oh heavens, I've gone pulled his pudenov!"                 
                                                            
36965 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young soldier from Orsk                         
Who'd give up his kingdom for a horsk.                      
(And wife for a saddle)                                     
In the midst of a battle.                                   
'Twas Czar Richard the Third, of coursk.                    
                                                            
36966 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Travis Brasell           



There was an old Russian from Rostov                        
Who needed to get himself tossedov.                         
He searched all of Orsk                                     
For one willing whoresk,                                    
But all of them kept their legs crossedov.                  
                                                            
36967 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



I once took a troika to Kharkov,                            
Met a young man.  We struck sparkov.                        
Was he a great lay?                                         
Not really, 'cause they                                     
All look the same in the darkov.                            
                                                            
36968 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Erika                    



I once took a trip to Murmansk;                             
Bought vodka, for which I gave thansk.                      
The wife ran away;                                          
Good riddance, I say.                                       
I'll settle for booze and a wansk.                          
                                                            
36969 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



The Russians remain what they are,                          
A peace-loving people, not far                              
From the ancient regime,                                    
Where oppression's the theme                                
From Romanove to commie-tsar.                               
                                                            
36970 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P9305



Smirked Soviet Minister Dinkov,                             
"The wonderful angles I think of!                           
I'll rent me a dacha                                        
And screw my girl Sasha --                                  
Sex heaven's what I'm on the brink of!"                     
                                                            
36971 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Armand E Singer       470



The Russ put a thumb to his noseki                          
When young Olga suggested they hoseski...                   
He just KNEW that the witch                                 
Had the Stalingrad itch,                                    
So he shot off his load in his clotheski.                   
                                                            
36972 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Grand Prix Lim  643      



If you have to have sex in Siberia,                         
Here's the important criteria:                              
When having a boff --                                       
If your balls drop off --                                   
It's COLD!                                                  
                                                            
36973 LOCATION - RUSSIA              PeterW                   



My Svetlana's robustki gumsk                                
Will nibble my schwaanz 'til I cumsk.                       
When it's snowing all day,                                  
In the bunksk I will stay;                                  
When I go out my pudski gets numbsk.                        
                                                            
36974 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Allen Wolverton          



There once was a man from Smolensk                          
Whose dong was so long that is bensk.                       
Said he, "I would try                                       
To do up my fly,                                            
But the state of my comrade prevensk."                      
                                                            
36975 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



St. Petersburg's summer is gay;                             
Golden domes take the sun's bright array                    
And cast it around,                                         
Costing ruble nor pound                                     
Throughout the night's Arctic day!                          
                                                            
36976 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Sumaq                    



There was a young girl from Sverdiovsk,                     
Who liked to take all her clothes offsk.                    
Thats probably the reason                                   
She's the hit of the season                                 
At parties; she's easy to boffsk.                           
                                                            
36977 LOCATION - RUSSIA              MrMalo                   



They trundled on down to Tiblisi;                           
From the vodka and gin they felt queasy.                    
They stripped to their socksk                               
And got off their rocksk,                                   
'Cause girls in Tiblisi are easy.                           
                                                            
36978 LOCATION - RUSSIA                                       



A lad works the fields in Uzbekistan,                       
Out so long in the sun that his neck is tan.                
But a week in the sack                                      
With a frisky Kuzak,                                        
Is the way that he's hoping to wreck his tan.               
                                                            
36979 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Stargazer                



I've moved from Murmansk to Polotsk                         
And here I will stay 'til I rotsk.                          
They've got what I need                                     
To thrive and succeed;                                      
The vodka is cold, the men hotsk.                           
                                                            
36980 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



A few klicks due south you'll find Khatyn,                  
Where Canadian babes aren't forgotton.                      
You can practice lim-craft,                                 
Polish Ivan's hard shaft,                                   
And pursue other fetes misbegotton.                         
                                                            
36981 LOCATION - RUSSIA              RanDog                   



For romansk a miss from Gdansk,                             
Took a chansk on a trip to Murmansk.                        
But she didn't screwski                                     
A single young Rooski;                                      
She longed for a Pole in her pantsk.                        
                                                            
36982 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Pierce Evans             



There once was a man from Gdansk                            
Who stole Tiddy Ogg's velvet pantsk.                        
When we asked Tids to dansk,                                
He replied with a glansk,                                   
"I would if I could but I can'tsk."                         
                                                            
36983 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



But wasn't that out in Slovenia;                            
I know you were there 'cause I seen ya.                     
That horizontal tango                                       
You did with old Django,                                    
Was great, though he's ten years your senior.               
                                                            
36984 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



The city was really Smolensk                                
Where Django's prick, quite swollensk,                      
Young Ericka humped                                         
And ground as they bumped,                                  
Before Django filled Ogg's colonsk.                         
                                                            
36985 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Randog                   



Perhaps you're remembering Kharkov?                         
I stripped to the skin in the darkov                        
A cold winter's night?                                      
We dance in firelight,                                      
Till we got too close and caught a sparkov.                 
                                                            
36986 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



We went north to old Archangelsk;                           
You ate cockles, winkles and welksk.                        
And then got so hot                                         
From misuse of your twat,                                   
It caused half the ice-cap to meltsk.                       
                                                            
36987 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Tiddy Ogg                



There was a huge girl from Yakutsk,                         
Who had an enormous big buttsk.                             
She tried sixteen pair                                      
Of huge underwear,                                          
But finally gave up in disgutsk.                            
                                                            
36988 LOCATION - RUSSIA              Ericka                   



Mariachis for the local cantina;                            
Party guests dancing the Macarena.                          
Chile rellenos divine,                                      
Tears flowing like wine;                                    
"Don't cry for me, Arch and Tina!"                          
                                                            
36989 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Ron sartain              



There was a young girl from Belize,                         
With the boys could not feel at her ease.                   
She was good with a lens,                                   
Shooting all her friends:                                   
"Please sit down with my mum, and say cheese."              
                                                            
36990 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Arthur Pattaffy          



A cracker who lived in Brazil,                              
Found the nuts there, were making her ill.                  
She flew off by airplane                                    
Never went back again;                                      
Told the doctor to send her his bill.                       
                                                            
36991 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Arthur Pattaffy          



Just say, "Gem of the Ocean," they snigger,                 
Since "Columbia" has gotten bigger.                         
Her new growth transcends brawn.                            
We trust she'll later on                                    
Regain her allegorical figure.                              
                                                            
36992 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



A serape from Mexico calls,                                 
To mind Montezuma's famed walls,                            
Where Cortez and cronies,                                   
Met men of cojones,                                         
And were awed by their great baggy shawls.                  
                                                            
36993 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Bob Giandomenico    P0302



It's amazing. They grow up so soon.                         
To the tourist trade though they're a boon.                 
Kindergarteners, yet                                        
Throngs of them board a jet,                                
To enjoy their Spring Break in Cancun.                      
                                                            
36994 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



The Washington Post wins a prize                            
For the most creative of lies.                              
"A corrupt Mexico?"                                         
How could we all know.                                      
It comes as a total surprise.                               
                                                            
36995 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     David Martin             



A lovely young girl offered sex                             
And companionship last year in Mex-                         
ico. "Why what's the catch?"                                
I said, fondling her snatch,                                
As my love-muscle started to flex.                          
                                                            
36996 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Jim Weaver Collection    



"We're shooting a magazine spread                           
And I hear from the editor, Ped-                            
ro, you're good; so I plead --                              
Please help us -- we need                                   
You Aztec-nical expert", she said.                          
                                                            
36997 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Jim Weaver Collection    



I kissed her sweet innocent face                            
And she gave me a loving embrace                            
And she whispered, "Remember                                
My love this December;                                      
Tijuana come back to my place?"                             
                                                            
36998 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Jim Weaver Collection    



Now weak with desire I said, "Sister,                       
I'd love to", and once again kissed her.                    
Chihuahua so good                                           
As she fondled my wood;                                     
Not surprising, I couldn't resist her.                      
                                                            
36999 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Jim Weaver Collection    



A native Executive Sec                                      
Of a Fund at Nahualt Toltec                                 
Has denied that his needs                                   
Are for Mexican beads.                                      
Hualt please him? Nahuatl? A chec!                          
                                                            
37000 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Clifton Fadiman     P9804



Panama is no longer our pal                                 
Now that China commands the canal.                          
There is no doubt                                           
That we've been sold out,                                   
And our ships confined to one locale.                       
                                                            
37001 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Jim Weaver Collection    



One ought not to go to Peruvia;                             
The experience wouldn't behoove ya'.                        
When sliding some meat                                      
At twelve thousand feet,                                    
It takes two extra people to move ya'.                      
                                                            
37002 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     MrMalo                   



A circus lion in poor fettle                                
Rode a bike that was made of metal.                         
His coat was all shaggy;                                    
His eyes were both baggy;                                   
Pity the Popocatepetl.                                      
                                                            
37003 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Tom Patton          P0207



There was a young man from Peru --                          
But what does it matter to you                              
Where he's from, or the same                                
For the young fellow's name?                                
The question is, What did he do?                            
                                                            
37004 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Laurence Perrine    P8805



There was a young man from Peru                             
Whose bride came from Kalamazoo;                            
They were wed in Medina                                     
By a bishop from China,                                     
Who had come there from far Timbuktu.                       
                                                            
37005 LOCATION - SPANISH AMERICA     Laurence Perrine    P8805



I have strayed very far from my home.                       
I have traveled from Moscow to Rome.                        
I have eaten pommes frites,                                 
And I tried a French teat,                                  
But the best are the girls from Stockholm.                  
                                                            
37006 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Al Willis           P9702



Speaking of odd little topics:                              
A dozen or so zoanthropics                                  
Once chartered a boat                                       
And proceeded to float                                      
To a jungle way off in the tropics.                         
                                                            
37007 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Keith Gilman        P0110



I blew all my dough, like E. Flynn.                         
Oh my, what a spot that I'm in.                             
From Bonn to Bombay                                         
I was carefree and gay,                                     
And I haven't a pot to piss in.                             
                                                            
37008 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Al Willis           P9702



Took a trip down Mexico way,                                
On my way back over today,                                  
The border patrol                                           
Fingered my hole;                                           
Think I'll cross over each day!                             
                                                            
37009 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Gearhart                 



Returning from a foreign trip,                              
The customs men told me to strip.                           
My ass they were feeling,                                   
In case I was concealing                                    
More shit that my cheeks could grip.                        
                                                            
37010 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Funny Bone               



It truly is breaking my heart,                              
'Cause from Texas I'm forced to depart.                     
But I will not grieve                                       
'Cause us Texans believe                                    
Such a move makes both places more smart.                   
                                                            
37011 LOCATION - TRAVEL              John Miller 0165         



The film will be ready on Monday.                           
We'll kick back with Scotch and Burgundy.                   
Fine photos we'll view.                                     
Kate will give us a clue,                                   
If we think they were shot in Burundi.                      
                                                            
37012 LOCATION - TRAVEL              H Whelchel               



A smart Hong Kong guy name of Cisco,                        
Phoned a friend in a Honk Kong Disco.                       
"I'm sorry to state                                         
I've broken our date;                                       
This call's from a number in Frisco."                       
                                                            
37013 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Tom Patton          P9708



Our lovely brunette was no sneak                            
When prowling around Martinique.                            
She cornered some guy,                                      
Who'd caught her wide eye;                                  
Now he's flying to see her next week.                       
                                                            
37014 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Dick Hull                



A vacation at sea is a cruise,                              
With enjoyment, good food and good booze.                   
For you, as a single,                                       
Most times you will mingle.                                 
If this is your joy, you can't lose.                        
                                                            
37015 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Arthur Pattaffy          



I've packed in my shirts and my jocks,                      
A toothbrush, a comb for my locks                           
And a razor; OK,                                            
Now I'm well on my way                                      
And ... oh damn, I've forgotten my socks.                   
                                                            
37016 LOCATION - TRAVEL                                       



Advice you'll not find in a poem                            
Should be heeded when tempted to roam.                      
Pay attention to it,                                        
It's for your benefit:                                      
Go first class or keep your ass home.                       
                                                            
37017 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Warrick Elrod            



I'm rushing around like a mad                               
Man; in underpants only I'm clad,                           
Chucking shirts in my case                                  
And still shaving my face;                                  
I'll be gone soon enough to Baghdad.                        
                                                            
37018 LOCATION - TRAVEL                                       



A neighbor I knew was a drunk,                              
Who would wander around in a funk.                          
When I found him in Rome,                                   
I sent him on home,                                         
Packed up in an old steamer trunk.                          
                                                            
37019 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Bob Birch           P0302



The hoteliers are down in their trade,                      
As their guests stayed away.  They're afraid.               
From U.K. and the states                                    
They're now making new dates;                               
The staffs hope now that they will be paid.                 
                                                            
37020 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Arthur Pattaffy          



A globe-trotting man from St. Paul                          
Made a trip to Japan in the fall.                           
One thing he found out,                                     
As he rambled about,                                        
Was that Japanese ladies St. Taul.                          
                                                            
37021 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Ferdinand Christgau P9707



A globe-trotting man from Twin Cities                       
Made a trip to seek Oriental pretties.                      
One thing he found out,                                     
As he rambled about,                                        
Was that Japanese broads have small titties.                
                                                            
37022 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Arthur Deex         P9707



Bon voyage to my good matey Gary,                           
To the States by taxi, then ferry.                          
Then a ship and a train,                                    
Plus a bus and a plane,                                     
For a vacation on which he'll make Mary.                    
                                                            
37023 LOCATION - TRAVEL                                       



We are off to good old Natal,                               
Where the women are built rather well                       
And the fish like to bite                                   
In the morn and the night,                                  
And they all enjoy a good swell.                            
                                                            
37024 LOCATION - TRAVEL                                       



Said a globe trotter, Pussy Ablaze,                         
"It once took Nellie Bly eighty days.                       
But I did it, no sweat,                                     
In two weeks on a bet,                                      
And still managed at least eighty lays.                     
                                                            
37025 LOCATION - TRAVEL              William N. Nesbit   P9702



He travelled the world quite a lot;                         
Places cold, places warm, places hot.                       
Someone said, "Tell me please,                              
Do you catch much disease?"                                 
He said, "Not since doc gave me the shot."                  
                                                            
37026 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Arthur Pattaffy          



To all buyers of this great tome,                           
Your editors give thanks and shalom.                        
Please avoid in your travels                                
Where reality unravels.                                     
We suggest that you all stay at home.                       
                                                            
37027 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Lynn Skywalker           



Californians, some from Encino,                             
Travel eastward to Vegas and Reno.                          
Every spring they make haste,                               
For they've no time to waste;                               
They come back to swallow Cappuccino.                       
                                                            
37028 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Loren C Fitzhugh         



She whored and she drank and she stole,                     
From Boston to Paris to Seoul.                              
I'll tell you this much:                                    
I sure wouldn't touch                                       
That dame with a thirteen-foot pole.                        
(thirteen feet are in a limerick - McW)                     
37029 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Al Willis           P9702



There once was a woman named Gail                           
Who needed to travel to Vail,                               
So she packed up her socks,                                 
And got into a box,                                         
And she sent herself there in the mail.                     
                                                            
37030 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Cap'n Bean          P0308



There once was a man named Sven;                            
He toured all the lands, and then                           
He wrote of his tour                                        
In a book called Bonjour,                                   
And traveled the lands once again.                          
                                                            
37031 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Bill Wall                



'Tis said travel doth broaden the mind;                     
Seek ye all the new sights ye can find.                     
It becomes much more fun                                    
If instead of just one,                                     
The trip is made by one of each kind!                       
                                                            
37032 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Arthur Pattaffy          



Just time for a sandwich and beer,                          
In the mere 30 hours I'll be here;                          
For tomorrow I pack                                         
Up my bags and go back                                      
Once again (up to Yorkshire) I fear.                        
                                                            
37033 LOCATION - TRAVEL                                       



There is a young lady named Phoebe                          
Who drove looking for a B and B.  (bed and breakfast)       
A few that she found                                        
Were not fit for a hound;                                   
It was not even good for a freebie!                         
                                                            
37034 LOCATION - TRAVEL              Arthur Pattaffy          



I'm off to the County again --                              
Just me and these two cute young men!                       
This ain't about sex                                        
And I'll wring their necks                                  
For calling me "Old Mother Hen."                            
                                                            
37035 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



This lunchtime I'm going (hooray)                           
Down to Taunton (that's Somerset way).                      
It's the home of good scrumpy                               
And rumpy and pumpy,                                        
With girlies who roll in the hay.                           
                                                            
37036 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I'm back Tuesday evening this time,                         
And on Wednesday I promise to rhyme,                        
About anything messy                                        
Concerning dear Bessie,                                     
Or West Country girlies sublime.                            
                                                            
37037 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Down there on the Somerset levels,                          
You'll find that those wenches are devils.                  
And those there in Taunton,                                 
At you will be flauntin'                                    
Their charms, so have a good revel.                         
                                                            
37038 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Now what of my jaunt down to Taunton?                       
Those Somerset women were flauntin'                         
Their feminine lace-                                        
Covered bits in my face.                                    
And at times even I found it dauntin'.                      
                                                            
37039 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



But being a gentleman (truly!)                              
I was not disconcerted unduly;                              
I flashed them a smile,                                     
As I whipped out a mile-                                    
And-a-half of my member unruly.                             
                                                            
37040 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



They stared in amazement and awe,                           
For they'd seen nothing like it before;                     
Then one who was braver                                     
(A right little raver)                                      
Stripped off and began to explore.                          
                                                            
37041 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



And soon all those Somerset lasses                          
Were urgently stripping in masses;                          
They eagerly pounced                                        
On my measure and bounced                                   
On it; thousands of pussies and asses.                      
                                                            
37042 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Their squeals as I set them alight                          
Echoed all around Taunton that night;                       
Exhaustively drilled                                        
And completely fulfilled                                    
They collapsed in ecstatic delight.                         
                                                            
37043 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Oh come now; you think it's not true?                       
Would I ever tell porkies to you?                           
Alright, I admit                                            
That I daydream a bit ..                                    
Well OK, it's a load of old poo.                            
                                                            
37044 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I took a long trip in November                              
To buy some new land with good timber;                      
Those massive tall trees,                                   
Erect in the breeze,                                        
Reminded me of my huge member.                              
                                                            
37045 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



From there I went south to the beach,                       
Where I met a fine 'Georgia peach'.                         
She gave me nine fits                                       
By showing her tits,                                        
And saying, "Hey, suck one of each!"                        
                                                            
37046 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I left Alabama, went west,                                  
Until I met up with the best                                
Whore Texas had had,                                        
(She's good when she's bad!)                                
Who scobbed my big knob... as you've guessed!               
                                                            
37047 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



From Texas I took a short flight                            
To Denver and stayed for one night;                         
That's where I met Ina                                      
Who had a vagina                                            
So ugly, but damn!...was it tight!                          
                                                            
37048 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I crossed the high Rockies by train,                        
Sat next to a tourist from Spain;                           
One night in her bunk                                       
She swallowed my spunk,                                     
While keeping me bound with a chain!                        
                                                            
37049 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Then under Montana's big sky,                               
I stopped at a 'dude ranch' ... met Bly,                    
A housewife by day,                                         
At night a paid lay;                                        
Fucked me ... got divorced ... wonder why?                  
                                                            
37050 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I headed southeast back toward Dixie,                       
Encountered a ravishing pixie                               
Who was very fragile,                                       
But, lord, was she agile;                                   
Performed on my cock a great trick, see?                    
                                                            
37051 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Thank goodness I'm still in my prime,                       
Makes 'Travlings' no less than sublime!                     
There's much more to share,                                 
But now I won't dare;                                       
You'll just have to wait 'til next time!                    
                                                            
37052 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I do love to sail on the sea.                               
Do you have the crew's guarantee,                           
That this ship isn't leaky?                                 
It sounds kinda creaky;                                     
Are there life vests for you and me?                        
                                                            
37053 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



'Cause I'd hate to swim to the shores,                      
Of Morocco, the land of the Moors.                          
I swim like a rock,                                         
So I'm afraid your cock,                                    
Would never get into my drawers!                            
                                                            
37054 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I don't mean to imply that you're cheap,                    
And I know your pockets aren't deep,                        
But if you don't mind,                                      
The next plane ride I'll find,                              
One from which we don't have to leap.                       
                                                            
37055 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



If the boat that we ride in should leak,                    
I don't think your future's so bleak.                       
Just grab my inflated                                       
And often fellated                                          
Erection and sit on its peak.                               
                                                            
37056 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Gearhart                 



I'll flip over onto my back,                                
And inject it deep into your crack;                         
Then do the back stroke                                     
As I give you a poke,                                       
You'll be safe -- for to swim I've the knack.               
                                                            
37057 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Now this being said, just enjoy                             
This boat ride with your favorite boy.                      
Although the ship's creaky,                                 
It's yet to be leaky,                                       
But still you can sit on my toy!                            
                                                            
37058 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Gearhart                 



I'm glad that you thought to provide,                       
This fabulous way for a ride.                               
And it's not surprising,                                    
The water is rising.                                        
We'll have to jump over the side.                           
                                                            
37059 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Carol                    



Morocco's not too far from here;                            
You get in the water first, dear.                           
Get your sail up and ready,                                 
And please hold it steady,                                  
So I can jump onto your spear...                            
                                                            
37060 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Carol                    



...To make a water tight connection,                        
Onto your hot throbbing erection.                           
On the waves we ride,                                       
Then swim with the tide,                                    
Using your back stroke to perfection                        
                                                            
37061 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Carol                    



Your back stroke is certainly strong,                       
As I enjoy the ride on your dong.                           
But my skin's like a prune,                                 
(Hope we get ther real soon)                                
Come on John, lets move this along.                         
                                                            
37062 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Carol                    



And as he got close I could see,                            
He wasn't alone, there were three.                          
Each waving a sword,                                        
As they came toward,                                        
One swooped down and carried off me!                        
                                                            
37063 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



First we're in a plane that won't float,                    
Then we jump from a leaky boat.                             
Now I'm on this camel;                                      
A stinky mean mammal,                                       
With this guy who smells like a goat.                       
                                                            
37064 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



This vacation so far's not drab,                            
And I don't mean to sound like a crab,                      
But kidnapped am I,                                         
By this smelly guy,                                         
Who thinks he's Ahab the Arab!                              
                                                            
37065 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



As they came a-brandishin' swords,                          
And screaming out harsh sounding words,                     
I had no choice, dear,                                      
As they filled me with fear,                                
But to think of a plan afterwards.                          
                                                            
37066 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



It would have been of little use                            
For me to resist or refuse.                                 
They would have just cut                                    
Up my lilly white butt,                                     
So I put up my hands as a truce.                            
                                                            
37067 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Now since they did leave me alive,                          
I still had a chance to derive                              
A plan from my mind,                                        
To save your behind;                                        
This trip I intend we survive.                              
                                                            
37068 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



As I followed their tracks in the sand,                     
Across this broad, bare, lifeless land,                     
Grew afraid what I'd find.                                  
Would they treat you unkind?                                
This trip ain't worked out like I planned.                  
                                                            
37069 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I've walked for what seems endless time;                    
The heat is intense in this clime.                          
As I top a tall dune,                                       
I see that I'll soon                                        
Arrive to avenge for their crime.                           
                                                            
37070 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



So now I must quick rack my brains.                         
(A headache results from such strains.)                     
The camels are tied                                         
To a post just outside                                      
The tent by the ends of their reins.                        
                                                            
37071 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Untying the camels to loose 'em,                            
To make them all scatter I goose 'em.                       
They snort, grunt, and run                                  
Off into the sun;                                           
The noise attracts Ahab's dumb twosome.                     
                                                            
37072 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



To one side of the tent I did hide,                         
As the two men emerged from inside.                         
Three camels they chased                                    
As away they now raced,                                     
And inside of the tent I did glide.                         
                                                            
37073 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Alone in the tent she stood chained;                        
To ravage her there I abstained.                            
With seconds to act,                                        
Grabbed the keys and unshack-                               
led her there and saved her again!                          
                                                            
37074 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



So now we run out through the dunes,                        
Away from Ahab and his goons.                               
They've not noticed yet,                                    
That you've escaped pet;                                    
They are just two stupid baboons!                           
                                                            
37075 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



From Sioux City, I'm driving  back  west,                   
To the Golden State, land I love best;                      
My old Chevvy is purring;                                   
Like perfect for touring;                                   
Nebraska's no sweat, so I'd guessed.                        
                                                            
37076 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Now I hear, 'neath the hood, all ain't right;               
There's a knocking like something's not tight;              
Then I think: "What the Duece?                              
Hell, a rod can't be loose;                                 
I just worked on that engine last night!"                   
                                                            
37077 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



So, I  turn up my radio's knob;                             
Music drowns out that ominous throb;                        
Also put on some speed,                                     
Maybe not a smart deed;                                     
Cuz the car's  running rough as a cob!                      
                                                            
37078 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Radio louder! More gas! Got more clatter!                   
Suvva gun! What the hell is the matter?                     
Man, I'm getting in dutch;                                  
Better push in the clutch!                                  
About then's when my teeth start to chatter!                
                                                            
37079 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



A new engine block's now in my clunk;                       
See the wreckage I've saved in the trunk;                   
Lots of steel, twisted up                                   
Work of Art? I'd say "Yup;                                  
Looks like Salvador Dali got drunk!"                        
                                                            
37080 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



This sure is a crappy hotel;                                
There's no one to answer the bell;                          
No chambermaid, porter,                                     
Or owner's young daughter...                                
Good heavens; I'm home for a spell.                         
                                                            
37081 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



I'd be happy to help you out, Pete;                         
I can keep your room tidy and neat.                         
And answer the door,                                        
And then around four,                                       
I'll make you a nice little treat.                          
                                                            
37082 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Carol                    



Now Carol, I'm eager to see                                 
What treat you are planning for me;                         
In fact, I'm so keen                                        
Than I've kept my room clean                                
In the hope I can have it at three.                         
                                                            
37083 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



Your room is so clean, it's like new.                       
Now, I've lots of time, it's just two.                      
So please close your eyes,                                  
Here comes the surprise.                                    
The treat that I'm making is you!                           
                                                            
37084 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Carol                    



I'm taking up cudgels and gavels                            
Against these unwarranted travels                           
I'm having to make                                          
For the company's sake,                                     
Lest my mind, if I have one, unravels.                      
                                                            
37085 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



"Now look, boss, I won't go away."                          
"Yes, you will, like I told you -- today."                  
"I resign, you can stuff                                    
It."  "Okay, that enough --                                 
If you do, you can do without pay."                         
                                                            
37086 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



Apart from the flight and hotel,                            
Entertainment expenses as well,                             
I shall claim, with no shame,                               
Under Food -- for a dame --                                 
Maybe two if I'm lucky as hell.                             
                                                            
37087 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



In India, claim you're a Swami;                             
In Japan, show your date origami;                           
For a Catholic Spaniard,                                    
Wear a cross on a lanyard,                                  
And in Rome just pull out your salami.                      
                                                            
37088 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Dick Potts          P8511



In Kabul, find yourself a cute Afgan,                       
And stealthily pull off her caftan;                         
In France, drop your pants,                                 
And beg for romance,                                        
In Greece, just bend over an ashcan.                        
                                                            
37089 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Dick Potts          P8511



Been working away for a spell,                              
But the horrible hovel from hell                            
I was booked in to stay,                                    
Was by far and away                                         
The most hellish since Bate's Motel.                        
                                                            
37090 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



The "chalet" I slept in was old;                            
Like a monastery cell, awful cold.                          
It was furnished with junk                                  
And a metal-framed bunk,                                    
But the piece-de-resistance was mould.                      
                                                            
37091 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



The mould grew in patches galore,                           
On the walls of the bathroom for sure;                      
But much worse was the fungus                               
Exceeding humungous                                         
That grew 'neath the bed on the floor.                      
                                                            
37092 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



And what could possibly be finer                            
Than supper at night in the diner?                          
A greasy pork chop                                          
And inedible slop                                           
In a soup-bowl of secondhand china.                         
                                                            
37093 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



Around the whole place is a fence                           
Which is awesome and truly immense,                         
And to keep people out                                      
There are turrets (no doubt                                 
With machine guns) for added defense.                       
                                                            
37094 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



"Your motel room reeks of the dead.                         
There's stench from the floor and the bed.                  
Its dank with no heat,                                      
And furthermore, Pete,                                      
It smells," Tom instinctively said!                         
                                                            
37095 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Observer                 



Instead of a seedy motel,                                   
I've just stayed in a proper hotel;                         
It had bedrooms real neat,                                  
Each with bathrooms en-suite,                               
And the chambermaid's name was Michelle.                    
                                                            
37096 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



My bedroom, some ten metres square,                         
Was most tastefully furnished with care;                    
While the taps, hot and cold,                               
In the bathrooms were gold...                               
And the chambermaid's name it was Claire.                   
                                                            
37097 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



What fun evey morning to get                                
'Neath the shower with adjustable jet,                      
From a warm gentle spray                                    
To good heavens!  Wahey!                                    
And the chambermaid's name was Annette.                     
                                                            
37098 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



The room-service waitress was keen,                         
Always serving me breakfast between                         
7:30 and 8:00;                                              
Never late was young Kate...                                
And the chambermaid's name was Charlene.                    
                                                            
37099 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



With breakfast in bed, a TV                                 
And a mini-bar, coffee and tea --                           
Making stuff and that shower                                
'Twas bliss evey hour...                                    
And the chambermaid's name was Marie.                       
                                                            
37100 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



And how could I ever forget                                 
'Bout the bed; was it cosy?  You bet!                       
It was fit for a king                                       
And its firmness of spring                                  
Will be good for more chambermaids yet.                     
                                                            
37101 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



She gambled away all her money.                             
Please don't laugh, because it ain't funny.                 
She's paying the hotel                                      
By doing the no-tell,                                       
With some old guy calling her Sonny.                        
                                                            
37102 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



Now that just doesn't sound right.                          
Are they doing the nasty at night?                          
With his bifocal glass,                                     
He should look as her ass,                                  
While she holds it up next to the light.                    
                                                            
37103 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Jeanie                   



I'm sorry to hear that this debtor                          
Is chained to her debt like a fetter.                       
But, oh, what the hell,                                     
Next time will you tell                                     
Poor Bonnie she needs to learn better?                      
                                                            
37104 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Travis Brasell           



Excuse me but Marty's chest looks                           
Like something squished it flat with some books.            
Her sonny-flat chest                                        
Should just lay to rest                                     
Suspicions that she is one who hooks.                       
                                                            
37105 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Bonnie                   



It must be her, he's calling sonny,                         
'Cause I am a well-endowed honey.                           
I've really learned well --                                 
So Trav, what the hell,                                     
Do want to give me some money?                              
                                                            
37106 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Bonnie                   



You fibber!  You liar!  You Jerk!                           
I do not do that kind of work.                              
My boobies ain't flat,                                      
Except the one that                                         
Is making the rest of you smirk.                            
                                                            
37107 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



Oh Marty, how could you just lie?                           
And expect all these guys to buy.                           
Your boobies ain't flat.                                    
If you were a gnat,                                         
That statement you could dignify.                           
                                                            
37108 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Bonnie                   



We ladies do never expect                                   
These guys to buy what they detect.                         
By using their eyes,                                        
They use open flies                                         
And check it out when they're erect.                        
                                                            
37109 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



The pain-in-the-butt 'cross the room                        
Has got me quite sunk into gloom.                           
Takes me fifty tries                                        
To match her replies.                                       
I wish she'd ride off on her broom.                         
                                                            
37110 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



I wish I was going away                                     
On holiday later today;                                     
Alas and alack,                                             
Though, for work I must pack,                               
Else I might get the sack and no pay.                       
                                                            
37111 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



I won't stay in hovels and tents                            
And spend a mere 25 cents;                                  
Instead, as befits,                                         
I'll stay at the Ritz                                       
And thus rack up expenses immense.                          
                                                            
37112 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



There isn't, of course one admits,                          
A Midlands Hotel called the Ritz.                           
It's fantasy time                                           
For the purpose of rhyme,                                   
And I bet where I stay is the pits.                         
                                                            
37113 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



At Xmas I get very bored;                                   
Away, I wish I could afford;                                
By boat or plane                                            
Or even by train,                                           
To a warmer place, somewhere abroad.                        
                                                            
37114 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



To somewhere that Santa don't come,                         
To a non-Christian place, I would run;                      
To ride on a Yak,                                           
Wear a yashmac,                                             
And get screwed by a sheik, in the sun.                     
                                                            
37115 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



Now I am so lonely out here,                                
I'd sure like to see you, my dear.                          
Now don't you say 'stick it',                               
Just send me a ticket,                                      
For a nice visit just like last year.                       
                                                            
37116 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



I sure had a wonderful time,                                
Sleeping outside under that pine.                           
Though the tent was leaky,                                  
And your neighbors freaky,                                  
I'll sleep there again, I don't mind.                       
                                                            
37117 LOCATION - TRAVEL - SERIES                              



The folks who live in Cat Mash,                             
Ay Ell, don't often eat hash.                               
They eat steaks and peas,                                   
As much as they please,                                     
'Cause most have got plenty of cash.                        
                                                            
37118 LOCATION - U.S.                Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



There once was a natatorial dude                            
Who was wont to swim in the nude.                           
But unfortunately,                                          
He chose the Bering Sea:                                    
I'm sure he said something quite rude.                      
                                                            
37119 LOCATION - U.S.                Barb                     



According to the scientists words,                          
Americans are the world's biggest turds.                    
They pollute all our air                                    
With never a care;                                          
Environment's just for the nerds.                           
                                                            
37120 LOCATION - U.S.                Tony Burrell             



There is a motel named Bates,                               
Where the guests suffer terrible fates.                     
Just stay a few hours                                       
And die in the showers.                                     
They charge very reasonable rates.                          
                                                            
37121 LOCATION - U.S.                Richard Long             



In New Mexico a guy named Gus                               
Got involved with a girl full of pus.                       
He ranted and raved,                                        
"My poor penis has caved;                                   
Carla's bad cavern caused all the fuss."                    
                                                            
37122 LOCATION - U.S.                Tom Patton          P0206



They say that a town is "Comoxy",                           
If the men all have moolah and moxie.                       
And the girls that you meet                                 
On a typical street,                                        
Are pneumatic and gorgeous and foxy!                        
                                                            
37123 LOCATION - U.S.                John E Mayhood      P0010



For three days now we have been confounded                  
With all of our PC's impounded.                             
For Mom's read our post                                     
And gave us a roast                                         
And declared "Kim and Sam, you are grounded!"               
                                                            
37124 LOCATION - U.S.                Kim & Sam                



Though the mood in our house has been tense,                
Uncle Frank's been patrolling the fence.                    
Aunt Mabel's gone missing;                                  
The dog won't stop pissing;                                 
We're due a visit from our Uncle Spence.                    
                                                            
37125 LOCATION - U.S.                Kim & Sam                



He'll bring his pet pit-bull, Devine,                       
A snarling and bad-tempered swine,                          
That barks, farts and sneezes,                              
And shits where he pleases.                                 
He humped Auntie Mabel last time.                           
                                                            
37126 LOCATION - U.S.                Kim & Sam                



When we'd beaten it off with a stick,                       
Uncle Frank clanked, "I'll show it a trick."                
And he fired a round                                        
Into that faithful hound,                                   
And hit it fair square in the prick.                        
                                                            
37127 LOCATION - U.S.                Kim & Sam                



This did not please our old Uncle Spence,                   
Who raced from the house to the fence,                      
And placed two hasty thwacks                                
Into uncle Frank's tracks,                                  
Who did not feel a thing, 'cause he's dense.                
                                                            
37128 LOCATION - U.S.                Kim & Sam                



So it's no wonder dear Momma feels stressed.                
(Aunt Mabel's been found in the chest,                      
Dressed in her best,                                        
Hotpants and string vest.)                                  
This family puts us to the test!                            
                                                            
37129 LOCATION - U.S.                Kim & Sam                



I'd sure hate to live in South Florida                      
Where girls are immoral or horrider,                        
Plus Haitians and Nubians                                   
And old farts and Cubians                                   
And weather that couldn't be horrider.                      
                                                            
37130 LOCATION - U.S.                Armand E Singer       736



It is almost the Fourth of July;                            
Time for fireworks to color the sky.                        
Says Florida's Gov,                                         
"Celebrations I love,                                       
But for fireworks, our trees are too dry!"                  
(1998 drought and fires in Florida)                         
37131 LOCATION - U.S.                Prof M-G           TP9806



The Florida sunshine's a treat                              
When Brit winters send chills to your feet.                 
To feel sun on my tum,                                      
My boobs and my bum...                                      
The thought of which puts me in heat.                       
                                                            
37132 LOCATION - U.S.                Joy Clare                



When Northern weather's horrider,                           
Folks funnel down to Florida.                               
And stay until                                              
Their white skins will                                      
In Florida get florider.                                    
                                                            
37133 LOCATION - U.S.                Irving Superior     P8709



On a Florida bound plane, sexy Bea                          
Introduced her companion with glee.                         
She cooed, "Meet my friend Jay,                             
I'm delighted to say                                        
That he's going to Tampa with me."           (FL)           
                                                            
37134 LOCATION - U.S.                Bob Giandomenico    P8805



It might seem quite corny to say,                           
(In special millennial way),                                
Though problems I see,                                      
It's still great to be                                      
Right here in the U.S. of A.                                
                                                            
37135 LOCATION - U.S.                Chris Papa               



Today, the old flag I'll display,                           
My sarcasm will be put away,                                
And in a voice clear,                                       
To all who would hear,                                      
Wish our land a Happy Birthday.                             
                                                            
37136 LOCATION - U.S.                Chris Papa               



Ignite your bright fireworks tonight                        
With proud independent delight!                             
To make some amends,                                        
American friends,                                           
I honour your freedom and might.                            
                                                            
37137 LOCATION - U.S.                Nick                     



In the fine northern state of Alaska,                       
The oceans do teem with Mollusca.                           
The mountains are full                                      
With caribou bull,                                          
Too cold?  When we get there, I'll ask ya.                  
                                                            
37138 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



The first state they named Delaware,                        
And I'm sure that we're all well aware,                     
That a longer shoreline,                                    
Is sure mighty fine,                                        
For freedom to really take air.                             
                                                            
37139 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



The big Pine Tree State is called Maine,                    
And it's soon to be freedom's domain.                       
We'll eat yummy lobsters,                                   
And kick out the mobsters,                                  
For the NAP is to be plain humane.  (NAP = ??)              
                                                            
37140 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



Such big Sky has all of Montana,                            
(The Liberty Northern savannah),                            
That women and men,                                         
Are tempted to sin,                                         
Though Freedom comes down just like manna.                  
                                                            
37141 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



Let's go live in North Dakota,                              
Where freedom won't give an iota.                           
The rough riders there                                      
Have courage to spare,                                      
And leaves smell as sweet as a rhoda.                       
                                                            
37142 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



Here's heading to good South Dakota,                        
And never know freedom's coda.                              
The Mount Rushmore State,                                   
Will never berate.                                          
But proudly list liberty's rota.                            
                                                            
37143 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



To locate in dear old Vermont,                              
With Green Mountain boys so gallant.                        
The fine sugar maples                                       
Like paiazzo in Naples,                                     
For Liberty, we'll take that jaunt.                         
                                                            
37144 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



We may settle out west in Wyoming,                          
An end to our searching and roaming.                        
To say "equal rights"                                       
And defend it with fights,                                  
The Porcs to it will be homing.                             
                                                            
37145 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



And so lives the bold Free State Project,                   
With Liberty lovers to inject.                              
The state will do well,                                     
No need to rebel,                                           
For honestly, freedom's the object.                         
                                                            
37146 LOCATION - U.S.                Phil Denisch             



What went 5-6-5 quite recently?                             
A misdialed phone call on TV?                               
No, what 5-6-5 makes                                        
Is how many Great Lakes                                     
Congress thought, then rethought, there should be!          
                                                            
37147 LOCATION - U.S.                Prof M-G                 



The boss said to me with a smile,                           
"You'll be working away for a while."                       
Hope the bedroom I stay                                     
In this week is OK;                                         
Though it may (like the last one) be vile.                  
                                                            
37148 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



Well, that was a better hotel                               
I've just stayed in; indeed it was swell.                   
It was run by a wife-                                       
Swapping couple from Fife,                                  
And their horny young daughter Michelle.                    
                                                            
37149 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



Receptionist lovely Louise,                                 
Who had cute little 36Cs                                    
Said, "I hope you have fun;                                 
You're in room Number One."                                 
And she winked as she gave me the keys.                     
                                                            
37150 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



Now room Number One was a suite                             
Of gigantic proportions, complete                           
With an en-suite jacuzzi                                    
And resident floozy                                         
With body curvaceous and neat.                              
                                                            
37151 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



Surprised, I stood shaking my head                          
As stark naked she lay on the bed.                          
"I'm all part of the sevice, sir;                           
Please don't be nervous, sir;                               
Use and abuse me", she said.                                
                                                            
37152 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



"This cannot be true", I thought. "Damn!"                   
I said, "Who do you think that I am?"                       
She said, "Why, you're the toast                            
Of the town; you're His Most                                
Royal Highness the King of Siam."                           
                                                            
37153 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



"I'm sorry", I said, "I'm not he."                          
She went mad and threw pillows at me.                       
"Don't be cross", I replied                                 
As she shouted and cried,                                   
"It's a case of mistaken ID."                               
                                                            
37154 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



So back to reception I went                                 
And explained to Louise who had sent                        
Me there, "Peter, I am;                                     
Not the King of Siam."                                      
And she pointed the way to a tent.                          
                                                            
37155 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



"A tent?"  "Yes; that tent on the lawn",                    
She said, sneering; her voice full of scorn;                
"'Twas reserved by your boss                                
Who said, 'Couldn't give a toss                             
If it's cheap, that's okay, I won't mourn.'"                
                                                            
37156 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



So most of the time I have spent                            
In a draughty and leaky old tent,                           
In a god-awful town                                         
With the rain pouring down,                                 
On a mattress as hard as cement.                            
                                                            
37157 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



For decades since time immemorial                           
The GOP's chosen gubernatorial                              
Candidate boys                                              
Have won Illinois.                                          
But this might be the year purgatorial.                     
                                                            
37158 LOCATION - U.S.                Dr Limerick              



There's a girl from La Harpe, Illinois,                     
Who is hung on this guy from Detroi,                        
With his bold "savoir faire"                                
And his "aire solitaire",                                   
Not to mention his "je na sais quoi."                       
                                                            
37159 LOCATION - U.S.                Keith MacMillan     A043B



It's a city where people with awe go,                       
And the souls of dead criminals a' go.                      
For grime and for litter,                                   
For crime and for glitter,                                  
There's no other place like Chicago.           (IL)         
                                                            
37160 LOCATION - U.S.                Laurence Perrine    P8805



Here's to the American Eagle,                               
That beautiful bird of prey,                                
He flies from Maine to Mexico,                              
And he shits on Ioway.                                      
                                                            
(boast by Maine congressman to Iowa congressman)            
37161 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



Here's to the State of Iowa                                 
Whose soil is soft and rich.                                
We need no turd                                             
From your beautiful bird,                                   
You red-headed son-of-a-bitch.                              
(Rebuttal by Iowa congressman)                              
37162 LOCATION - U.S.                                    L0708



A good Kansas girl I am.                                    
When I tell people this, they say "Damn!"                   
But they don't know what they're missing                    
'Cause there's lots of good kissing                         
(And loving) in Kansas. Yes Ma'am!                          
                                                            
37163 LOCATION - U.S.                Claire                   



We say we're the "Land of the Free",                        
There's hope that our posterity,                            
Will learn how to share                                     
In this great land fair,                                    
Which still is where I want to be.                          
                                                            
37164 LOCATION - U.S.                Chris Papa               



Ann Arbor voters annually                    (MI)           
Keep voting ANN and not ANNIE.                              
While a ritzy few                                           
Who abhore the two                                          
Vote ANNA arbor-trarily.                                    
                                                            
37165 LOCATION - U.S.                Irving Superior     P8805



KALAMAZOOLOGICAL,                                           
Since obviously an obstacle,                                
Was shortened to                                            
Kalamazoo                                   (MI)            
Which is and is not logical.                                
                                                            
37166 LOCATION - U.S.                Irving Superior     P8805



There once was a Greek named Theopolis,                     
Who lived quite near the Acropolis.                         
But he soon moved away,                                     
To the U. S. of A.,                                         
And settled in old Minneopolis.                             
                                                            
37167 LOCATION - U.S.                VOL 1                    



Fraternal twins, Minnie and Paul,                           
Shared many adventures when small.                          
But when Paul was made saint,                               
Minnie made no complaint,                                   
But thought "Who'd a' thought it a'tall!"                   
                                                            
37168 LOCATION - U.S.                Laurence Perrine    P8805



There was an old Swede in Dakota                            
Who yearned to get to Minnesota.                            
But his friends there in fun,                               
Said it couldn't be done                                    
Because of a strict Swedish quota.                          
                                                            
37169 LOCATION - U.S.                Glen Hughes         P0201



'Cross the wide Mississippi I see                           
Jean in Illinois country.                                   
She sometimes will visit.                                   
That's not too bad, is it?                                  
Missouri just loves company!                                
                                                            
37170 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



Americans must always have fun.                             
If it isn't another, it's one.                              
Though it's rather harebrained,                             
At least they're entertained.                               
They're like Romans, when all said and done.                
                                                            
37171 LOCATION - U.S.                Warrick Elrod            



In Jersey, his mind starts to torque;                       
Some said simply, "He popped his cork."                     
Said Freud, Jung and Gestalt,                               
"It isn't his fault;                                        
The light through his tunnel's New York!"                   
                                                            
37172 LOCATION - U.S.                John Miller              



Should we call this great state DAKOTA?                     
I'm sure I don't care one iota.                             
For removing the NORTH                                      
Will not bring summer forth.                                
Of warmth, we don't have a big quota!                       
                                                            
37173 LOCATION - U.S.                John Dohner         P8911



A town in Eye Ell is Oblong.                                
We celebrate it in this song.                               
What shape is it in?                                        
Oval, round, fiat or thin?;                                 
Is it fat, lean, puny or strong?                            
                                                            
37174 LOCATION - U.S.                Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



That he loved Cincinnati, it's true.         (OH)           
Most folks from that prim city do.                          
But his reason was that he                                  
Esteemed Cincinnati                                         
Was best place to sin sin that he knew.                     
                                                            
37175 LOCATION - U.S.                Laaurence Perrine   P8805



There is a state called Oklahoma                            
Where comes such a distinct aroma;                          
What could it be                                            
Is totally beyond me,                                       
But it could be buffalo bologna.                            
                                                            
37176 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



Daylight Savings Time puts me to the test;                  
To recite that old rhyme is my quest.                       
Fall short, spring ahead,                                   
Turn back, well instead                                     
I'll just move one time zone to the west!                   
                                                            
37177 LOCATION - U.S.                Turnberry                



After two days my wife said, "I'm leery,                    
I've not seen a city more dreary --                         
All the ore piled in heaps --                               
This place gives me the creeps."                            
"I know," I said, "Sweetheart, it's Erie."     (PA)         
                                                            
37178 LOCATION - U.S.                Bob Giandomenico    P8805



Said two randy young people named Day,                      
"Pennsylvania's where we've gone to play.                   
'Virginia's for Lovers'                                     
Say the travel book covers,                                 
But they've got Intercourse in PA,"            (PA)         
                                                            
37179 LOCATION - U.S.                Bob Giandomenico    P8805



This friend that I knew would guffaw                        
When his aunts and his sisters and Ma                       
Would evasively say                                         
"We're from Lancaster way --"                               
(They were really from Intercourse, Pa.)                    
                                                            
37180 LOCATION - U.S.                Keith MacMillan     A101D



An itchy-hipped hussy named Jane                            
Hitchhiked from Vancouver to Maine.                         
The whole Santa Fe Trail,                                   
She paid for in tail,                                       
Before resting her messy membrane!                          
                                                            
37181 LOCATION - U.S.                Grand Prix Lim  943 G0660



I offered to give Hilton Head.                              
He'd rather Mount Pleasant in bed.                          
"You're Easley", says he,                                   
(But Pregnall I'll be.)                                     
Why don't he mount Florence instead?                        
                                                            
37182 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



I've a neat little place, a retreat                         
Where we all can come talk, play and eat.                   
It's only twelve hills,                                     
Quite simple, no frills.                                    
But there's room enough there for ten fleets.               
                                                            
37183 LOCATION - U.S.                Margaret A. Murdock P8604



I'm really glad I don't live here,                          
I think all the men folk are queer.                         
There's more than the quota                                 
In cold South Dakota;                                       
I will not be known as their Pierre.                        
                                                            
37184 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



On Tuesday July twenty seven,                               
Just two pages after eleven,                                
"Let your meat stop your mouth"                             
Never heard in the south;                                   
Are northerners really that heathen?                        
                                                            
37185 LOCATION - U.S.                                         



She sold seashells, down by the seashore,                   
Burgers, fries and a little bit more.                       
She raked in the loot,                                      
And a husband to boot.                                      
So they went to the mountains for more.                     
                                                            
37186 LOCATION - U.S.                Silva S Crockett    P0102



In Wisconsin, there's cheese and pigs,                      
Tractors and trailers and rigs,                             
Green grass galore,                                         
And bars by the score,                                      
Where you can find beer and pigs.                           
                                                            
37187 LOCATION - U.S.                Jeff Kurfess             



It's so cold in Wisconsin, they say,                        
That words will freeze on their way,                        
From the lips to the ear,                                   
In the air, crisp and clear,                                
To be heard when they thaw out in May.                      
                                                            
37188 LOCATION - U.S.                William D. Jenkins  P9202



To live in the U S of A                                     
Is a wonderful privilige today.                             
But examples are legion                                     
Of a less pleasant region,                                  
Where the good old U S holds its sway!                      
                                                            
37189 LOCATION - U.S.                Beelzebub                



In that fun-loving state, California,                       
All the folks are undoubtedly hornia.                       
Not even the dead                                           
Can be trusted in bed --                                    
Which is simply to say that I'm warnia.                     
                                                            
37190 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Hugh Oliver         A019A



Said two withered old maids of Columbus,                    
"We find ourselves here on this dumb bus,                   
Moving toward California                                    
Where the men are much hornier                              
And where surely somebody will plumb us."                   
                                                            
37191 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Isaac Asimov             



In California locals hate                                   
How tourists mispronounce their State.                      
Califhornier                                                
Caliphonier                                                 
And sometimes Californicate.                                
                                                            
37192 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Irving Superior     P8709



California's energy crisis' is sick,                        
Air conditioning is not too slick,                          
Soak up sweat with a blotter,                               
'Cause it's gonna get hotter                                
Than a bride on a down feather tick!                        
                                                            
37193 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF                                 



Some attribute Cal's energy crisis                          
To deregulation of prices.                                  
But industry rooters                                        
Blame all those computers,                                  
And other newfangled devices.                               
                                                            
37194 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Dr Limerick              



Many Golden State folks are suspicious,                     
That computers with hunger voracious                        
For everyone's voltage,                                     
Caused the big power shortage,                              
Which might make Intel's timing propitious.                 
                                                            
37195 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Dr Limerick              



A gymnast related some things                               
From the West Coast to show how it swings --                
First going to a disco                                      
Up in San Francisco,                                        
And afterward doing Palm Springs.           (CA)            
                                                            
37196 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Bob Giandomenico    P8805



An ad in the Hollywood Hills                                
Touted a cure for all ills.                                 
The city's reply                                            
Was in letters sky-high,                                    
On their own sign that read Boast No Pills                  
                                                            
37197 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Arthur Deex         P0007



I got a job on Treasure Island                              
Reclaiming the bay, sinking pylons                          
The bottom,s foul brine                                     
Affected my mind                                            
So I have a permanent smile on                              
                                                            
37198 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF                                 



The next job was on Angel Island,                           
Building a house upon the steep sand.                       
One day it gave way                                         
And slid into the bay,                                      
Where the wreckage and bay's hand-in-hand.                  
                                                            
37199 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF                                 



Finally I did Alcatraz;                                     
The results were no better than last.                       
They called me a jerk                                       
I said "Screw this work",                                   
And went back to improvised jazz.                           
                                                            
37200 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF                                 



I, to the whole world resonate,                             
From Americas United States,                                
From far in the West,                                       
The place it's the best;                                    
California's where I locate.                                
                                                            
37201 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF                                 



Anaheim's magical spot                                      
Is the masterpiece Walt Disney wrought.                     
It's got pirates and ghosts                                 
And some mouse-costumed hosts,                              
But the Berry Farm's much better -- Knott!                  
                                                            
37202 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Larry Hollister          



A New Yorker who moved To L.A.                              
On occasion was prompted to say                             
That if he had guessed                                      
How debauched was the West,                                 
He would not be committed to stay.                          
                                                            
37203 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        J.B.                A020D



Said a girl from L.A., California,                          
"Yes the family really was bornia,                          
'Cause our mum, being shrewd,                               
Went a lot in the nude,                                     
Making Daddy unsettled and hornia."                         
                                                            
37204 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Keith MacMillan     A022A



A whiz-kid who worked at Los Gatos                          
Would woo girls with more than just pathos.                 
Though to please he was eager,                              
Trouser portion was meagre,                                 
So he lives like the monks on Mount Athos.                  
                                                            
37205 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Ulla                     



Los Gatos translates as 'The Cats'--                        
It's a town full of cools, heps, and fats.                  
Limericks need permission                                   
From a Los Gatos Commission?                                
Then a pox on those vile bureaucrats.                       
                                                            
37206 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        James M. Menger     P9310



The town that's named Spanish for "cats,"                   
Los Gatos, with no caveats,                                 
Has it made in the shade,                                   
When all factors are weighed,                               
As the best of the world's habitats.                        
                                                            
37207 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        John Sandler        P9311



I hope you won't think me perverse                          
To suggest that the town could do worse                     
Than be touted in rhyme                                     
In a limerick, sublime,                                     
Since its benefit would be ad/verse.                        
(on limerick motto for city of Los Gatos, California)       
37208 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        John Sandler        P9311



A computer dork in Mountain View                            
Had a girlfriend he wanted to screw.                        
He said, "I am torn                                         
Twixt your fine nubile form                                 
And the latest in Gaming Review.                            
                                                            
37209 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        CM                       



A young girl named Phyllis from Oroville                    
Used oodles of breath mints and chlorophyll.                
But her boyfriend was fickle,                               
Just one garlic pickle                                      
Convinced him he wouldn't see more of Phyl.                 
                                                            
37210 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        John E Mayhood      P9805



A writer who fled Sacramento                                
Escaped with an author-signed cento.                        
And that valuable book                                      
Was the sole thing he took                                  
As his lone California memento.                             
                                                            
37211 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Cap'n bean          P0202



San Diego, I gather, you rate,                              
As city that is really GREAT.                               
A quite modest boast                                        
From one on Left Coast;                                     
I've heard same about Golden Gate.                          
                                                            
37212 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Chris Papa               



San Fran is a city that's fair;                             
I'd move, for the bread that is there.                      
Except that its folks                                       
Are weird beyond jokes,                                     
I'd think I'll stay in Jersey lair.                         
                                                            
37213 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Chris Papa               



A tech whiz in San Jose,                                    
Would scan the screen every day,                            
Reading personal ads,                                       
To find lasses and lads                                     
Who with love could show him the way!                       
                                                            
37214 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        CM                       



A programmer of San Jose                                    
Would coat screen with porn and then say                    
"A real live lass                                           
Is a pain in the ass.                                       
I'll make love in the virtual way."                         
                                                            
37215 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Pat Powers               



A tech-head from South Saratoga,                            
Had sex with himself doing yoga.                            
Said he: "These contortions                                 
Avail to me portions                                        
That are normally under my toga."                           
                                                            
37216 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Murphy                   



In Santa Cruz most of the dudes                             
Thrive on organicly grown foods.                            
But the booze that they've got,                             
Not to mention the pot,                                     
That explains their strange attitudes.                      
                                                            
37217 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Lynn Mostafa             



A technician in Sunnyvale                                   
Thought he would always prevail;                            
With tech was a shiz,                                       
But he flopped with the Ms.;                                
At lovemaking he'd always fail.                             
                                                            
37218 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        CM                       



A technician in old Sunnyvale                               
Could seduce as he wished without fail.                     
He said, "My pay sucks;                                     
I could go for big bucks."                                  
And now he's the VP of sales.                               
                                                            
37219 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Pat Powers               



California outpaces the nation                              
In adopting cool new innovation.                            
But now rolling brownouts                                   
Are raising some doubts,                                    
'Bout utility deregulation.                                 
                                                            
37220 LOCATION - U.S. - CALIF        Election 2000            



There's an Accident in Maryland,                            
I'm sure you do not understand.                             
Not an aeroplane crash,                                     
Or a two auto bash,                                         
It's a place name that should have been banned.             
                                                            
37221 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Thomas Ratliff      P0308



My mobile home, 'twas made of wood,                         
And inhabitable, and therefore no good.                     
The water got in,                                           
Rotted it from within,                                      
And I took care of wherever I stood.                        
                                                            
37222 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE                                 



The beaches of 'Bama are best,                              
Much more beautiful than all the rest.                      
Miles of sand, silky white,                                 
Under skies blue and bright,                                
And the women expose their fine breast.                     
                                                            
37223 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Travis Brasel            



Alabamians talk like we's poor;                             
We is eatin' each crumb from the floor.                     
When pot bellies thunder,                                   
We all starts to wonder                                     
If Mom'n them's gone to the store.                          
                                                            
37224 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Jodi B                   



Your limerick has caused me to gawk,                        
'Cause I thought you were upper New Yawk.                   
Brasell is the foreigner                                    
Who lives down a corner                                     
Of 'Bama, with drawls in his tawk.                          
                                                            
37225 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Travis Brasell           



Of course it's "Sweet Home, Alabammer,"                     
Where all redneck whores fight and clammer                  
For my 'Hard of Dixie',                                     
And each perky pixie,                                       
Competes for a night with my rammer.                        
                                                            
37226 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE                                 



A randy ol' coot down in 'Bammer                            
Lived in and out of the slammer;                            
He'd think with his dick                                    
Whenever a  chick,                                          
Bent over; it drove him to cram her!                        
                                                            
37227 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE                                 



There once was an intern from Vermouth,                     
Who was fired when she broke a tooth.                       
Dictating a Bill                                            
On Capitol Hill,                                            
She could not pronounce Arkansooth.                         
                                                            
37228 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Limerick Lover           



I traveled today through the State                          
Which spawned Clinton and her mate.                         
Was this grisley suggestion                                 
What caused indigestion,                                    
Or the Arkansas food that I ate?                            
                                                            
37229 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        John Miller 0158         



Down South, when the hens start a cluckin',                 
And corn's gathered ripe for a shuckin',                    
And gentlemen court                                         
Young fillies for sport;                                    
It's time for some pickup truck fuckin'!                    
                                                            
37230 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Travis Brasell           



We 'cowboy up' with the wild stock                          
And 'plowboy down' with the tame flock;                     
Be wild or be tame,                                         
All poontang's the same                                     
And built for our cocks, hard as rock.                      
                                                            
37231 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Travis Brasell           



All us good ol' boys dig barnyard love,                     
And a lamb snatch that fits like a glove.                   
And a hogs bristly pussy                                    
(Though death to a wussy)                                   
Hot Damn!  That what we're dreaming of!                     
                                                            
37232 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Allen Wolverton          



You forget about chickens and goats                         
And Guernseys with velvetine throats.                       
That all being said,                                        
This beastial thread                                        
Makes my beef shrivel up for a stoat.                       
                                                            
37233 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        RanDog                   



In barnyard animals I do care;                              
Sheep and goats, the old grey mare.                         
The farmer's daughter                                       
Was led to the slaughter,                                   
When from the woods, escaped a bear.                        
                                                            
37234 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Christopher Kraft        



There's a village called Bee, W.V.                          
It's so small, it's hard to see,                            
Two stores, a bar,                                          
And a rusty old car.                                        
The population's a mere forty three.                        
                                                            
37235 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



In the quiet southern town of Bug Tussle,                   
No one ever must hustle.                                    
And when I've been there,                                   
In the hot summer air,                                      
I missed the big city bustle.                               
                                                            
37236 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Tom Patton          P0303



Ahhhh! My Dixie boyhood...amazing!                          
Our 'wimmin' folk were for the grazing;                     
But culture brought change,                                 
So now on the range,                                        
A great herd of llamas I'm raising!                         
                                                            
37237 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE                                 



There's a town in the South, Chattahoochee,                 
Where they still do the old hootchie-kootchie,              
With a great deal of pride                                  
(Rather unjustified,                                        
In the view of this hardened debauchee).                    
                                                            
37238 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Keith MacMillan     A034A



If your looking for somewhere to romp                       
Without all the touristry pomp,                             
And you don't mind moskeeters,                              
Then you'll drag your peters                                
On down to good old hellhole swamp.                         
                                                            
37239 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE                                 



Now Peachland is famous for peaches,                        
For mountains, marinas and beaches.                         
A Peachland girl marries                                    
A boy who picks cherries,                                   
And my! What a lesson that teaches.                         
                                                            
37240 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        John E Mayhood      P0010



Down in Louisiana I was gwine,                              
When I chanced with this girl to entwine                    
Being a real Cajun,                                         
Her hormones were ragin',                                   
And she gave me a real spicy time.                          
                                                            
37241 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE                                 



On the Gulf, there's a town called Biloxi,                  
And all of the girls there are foxy.                        
In's uncanny, unheard,                                      
But don't take my word.                                     
Inspect them all, starting with Roxie.                      
                                                            
37242 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        TuttaGioia               



I started inspecting with Roxie,                            
A used-up old hag of a doxy.                                
You gave me her name!                                       
Is this a con game?                                         
Her pussy's attached with epoxy.                            
                                                            
37243 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        TuttaGioia               



The view of beholder, I guess,                              
Will determine the place to call mess.                      
Here, far across the sea,                                   
Biloxi will be                                              
The cloaca of all the U.S.                                  
                                                            
37244 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Chris Papa               



Mississippians still are besotten                           
By olden times, best left forgotten.                        
While the old flag still waves,                             
They will remain enslaved                                   
To the views holding them at the bottom.                    
                                                            
37245 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Dr Limerick              



From Georgia there is no contest.                           
Us southerners living more west,                            
Have looks and the smarts,                                  
With morals of tarts.                                       
Mississippian women are best.                               
                                                            
37246 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE                                 



New Orleans with its famed MARDI GRAS,                      
In summer, more sauna than spa.                             
Known for Creole-French,                                    
Where one can find wench                                    
On Bourbon Street, for "ooh-la-la!"                         
                                                            
37247 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Chris Papa               



When New Orleans has Mardi Gras,                            
No more is it New Orleans, LA.                              
In Quartre French                                           
You grab a wench                                            
And shout, "New Orleans, oolaLA"                            
                                                            
37248 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Irving Superior     P8801



Today I hope everyone reads                                 
The Journal on Mardi Gras beads.  (Wall Street Journal)     
For in the Big Easy                                         
These (mostly Chinesey)                                     
Are thrown to encourage misdeeds.                           
                                                            
37249 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Nick                     



MARDI GRAS which translates Fat Tuesday,                    
Is New Orleans' hot jazz and booze day.                     
So tiring the fun                                           
That when it is done,                                       
Ash Wednesday feels like a good news day.                   
                                                            
37250 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Norm Brust               



New Orleans' summers are hot.                               
Your nether parts get Jungle Rot.                           
But from fall right through Spring,                         
It makes your heart sing                                    
With Mardi Gras, Jazz, and the lot.                         
                                                            
37251 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Theo Heller         P9206



I once had a doll I called Trixie,                          
As cute and petite as a pixie.                              
A press on her tummy                                        
Did not bring forth "Mummy!";                               
She'd strut around whistling dixie!                         
                                                            
37252 LOCATION - U.S. - DIXIE        Arthur Pattaffy          



Boston's a Lincolnshire town,                               
Where most of the girls will go down...                     
I guess though the ass                                      
Speaks of Boston in Mass,                                   
Where tea-bags they did use to drown.                       
                                                            
37253 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Tiddy Ogg                



The Lincolnshire Boston's near fens,                        
Where farmers meet weekly in dens                           
For countryside sports;                                     
The traditional sorts                                       
Such as hunting and punting old hens.                       
                                                            
37254 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Peter Wilkins            



A big-breasted beauty from Boston                           
Lay down on the floor to get tossed on;                     
She said, "I love fountains                                 
Of jizz on my mountains;                                    
They look more attractive with frost on."                   
                                                            
37255 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Peter Wilkins            



In Boston, whenever it's hailing,                           
The fishermen often go sailing;                             
They take with them Brenda,                                 
In water upend her,                                         
And practice harpooning and whaling.                        
                                                            
37256 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Peter Wilkins            



Old Adam of Boston believes                                 
He's found the original leaves.                             
They're fig-shaped and whiff,                               
When he gives them a sniff,                                 
Of the damp he remembers as Eve's.                          
                                                            
37257 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Peter Wilkins            



Now Boston is famous for beans,                             
And girls who wear skimpy tight jeans,                      
And skimpier tops;                                          
But old Boston Pops                                         
Have ravished them while in their teens.                    
                                                            
37258 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Tiddy Ogg                



The Greenleaf of Chester, Vermont,                          
Is surely our favorite haunt;                               
And word does go out                                        
That we are about,                                          
Whenever to Chester we jaunt.                               
                                                            
37259 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Bruce Burched            



"These people," they say with a frown,                      
"Of Robin and Jerry's in town!"                             
And in poor little Chester,                                 
There's seldom a rester,                                    
When it's known that we've come aroun'.                     
                                                            
37260 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Bruce Burched            



Each shop owner and restauranteur                           
And dealer in Junque du Jour,                               
Keeps open an eye                                           
As we wander by,                                            
For they know that we're sanity poor!                       
                                                            
37261 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Bruce Burched            



And from breakfast with Robin and Jerry,                    
Through dinner, to wherever we ferry,                       
There's an excess of mirth,                                 
And an increase in girth,                                   
As we eat and we drink and be merry.                        
                                                            
37262 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Bruce Burched            



A nymphet in the woods tried to forge                       
A new bond with a Mainer named George.                      
Though he'd caught her eye                                  
He was not very spry,                                       
And rolled right over into a gorge.                         
                                                            
37263 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Dick Hull                



I now will be gone for a while,                             
To Cape Cod (I vacation in style).                          
I'll be with those crude shits,                             
In old Mass-of-chewed-shits.                                
Oh, come on you Kennedys -- smile!                          
                                                            
37264 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Writerman                



There once was a clever young lass,                         
Who lived in that great bay state, Mass.                    
She waded one day                                           
Out into the bay,                                           
And the water came up to her ass.                           
                                                            
37265 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Jim Weaver Collection    



Massachusetts!  Let's all give a cheer!                     
A great place to be if you're queer!                        
And please let me say                                       
If you're liberal or gay,                                   
I'd rather you lived there than here!                       
                                                            
37266 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  John Miller              



Of Nantucket's men, dogs and girls,                         
We've heard far too much, so we churls                      
Say no!  We are sated                                       
With regurgitated                                           
Pig shit from the swine... give us pearls.                  
                                                            
37267 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND                           



Two barristers, Dork and Kantshucket,                       
Were hired by the town of Nantucket                         
To sue every Merkin                                         
And Brit who's been workin'                                 
At hiding their famous old bucket.                          
                                                            
37268 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND                           



In my mind I can still see his face;                        
On the mountain, remains not a trace;                       
By nature designed,                                         
Heart's embrace still enshrined;                            
Granite features that time can't erase.                     
                                                            
37269 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Joel D Ash          P0309



The old man, he was born long ago;                          
How and why only Indians know;                              
Many years weather worn,                                    
Craggy chin we now mourn,                                   
Rock adorn only God can bestow.                             
                                                            
37270 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Joel D Ash          P0309



There were hints of demise, shifting stone;                 
Sudden cracks that were spotted and known;                  
Prone to slippage and slides,                               
That the maker decides;                                     
Disappearance one night with a groan.                       
                                                            
37271 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Joel D Ash          P0309



State symbol revered far and wide,                          
New Hampshire embodied with pride;                          
Independent and free,                                       
Profile I still see;                                        
Strong love that will never subside.                        
                                                            
37272 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW ENGLAND  Joel D Ash          P0309



New York denizens, behold and lo,                           
At least those with a penchant for snow,                    
Are less sad and dreary                                     
When they're near Lake Erie,                                
In that Eden they call Buffalo.                             
                                                            
37273 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



Of the climates where he'd ever been,                       
He discovered much to his chagrin,                          
Sledding was tough at home                                  
For Miz Wharton's E. Frome,                                 
Since in Buffalo he was snowed in.                          
                                                            
37274 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



We once had a mayor in my town,                             
Whose smile was a less severe frown.                        
He had all the humor                                        
Of his prostate tumor;                                      
He'd be happier wearing a crown.                            
                                                            
37275 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Phil T                   



Today's KNICKERBOCKER's forlorn;                            
On Septembewr 11th, morn,                                   
A new war came down,                                        
To stun a proud town,                                       
That Phoenix-like must be reborn.                           
(Sept 11, 1901)                                             
37276 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Chris Papa               



Though South Sea Islands lures are strong,                  
Bikini, Bali, the sarong --                                 
A New Yorker, I!                                            
Though others "stupid" cry,                                 
My Island Paradise is Long                                  
                                                            
37277 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Irving Superior     P9411



The worthy New Yorker named Bratton,                        
Guliani's old General Patton,                               
May shortly be seen                                         
Under new Mayor Green                                       
As Gestapo Chief of Manhattan.                              
                                                            
37278 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Phil T                   



Outsiders are constantly itching                            
To belittle New York with their bitching.                   
A word of wisdom holds true                                 
And it works for you, too.                                  
Hate the heat, stay out of the kitchen.                     
                                                            
37279 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     John Miller              



New Yorkers are most impolite.                              
They're rowdy and nasty, and might                          
Grope you girls in the park,                                
Even 'fore it gets dark,                                    
And make too much noise late at night.                      
                                                            
37280 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK                              



They should say, "Welcome back" to John Rocker;             
First Amendment got trampled - a shocker!                   
Let the liberals squeal;                                    
What th' hell, no big deal;                                 
It's perverted to love a Noo Yawker!                        
                                                            
37281 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK                              



New York is great, I won't knock it,                        
But keep your door closed, and lock it --                   
Stay out of the park --                                     
'Specially after dark,                                      
And keep the cash in your front pocket.                     
                                                            
37282 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Kaylin Brandon           



A guy who feared he was a dork                              
Came damn close to blowing his cork.                        
Where is he today?                                          
Well, what can I say...                                     
He's in therapy, also New York.                             
(syllepsi)                                                  
37283 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Norm Storer         P9603



New Yorkers can kick out the crutch                         
From a cripple and not get in Dutch.                        
They think that they rule                                   
And love to say "Cool"                                      
And "Fucking" just too fucking much.                        
                                                            
37284 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Echo                     



In Brooklyn, it's, "Moider da bum!"                         
And choice phrases quite nasty, in some                     
Sort of English -- abused --                                
And the finger most used                                    
Most assuredly isn't the thumb.                             
                                                            
37285 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     John Miller              



It seems to shore owners of late,                           
That Spring flooding is now their fate.                     
Is it too much wet snow?                                    
Is it too high stream flow?                                 
Or has Champlain just grown to be Great.                    
                                                            
37286 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Sumaq              TP9804



Though New York is a wonderful milieu,                      
With sights and with sounds that will thrill you.           
The place is so rough,                                      
One visit's enough--                                        
And you'll never go there again, will you?                  
                                                            
37287 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Norm Storer              



Far Rock's on the Long Island south shore,                  
Where there's fun in the sun, evermore.                     
If you play in the sands,                                   
Keep that stuff off your hands,                             
Or your date will go home feeling sore.                     
                                                            
37288 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Jim Weaver Collection    



In Manhattan the cabbies are rude;                          
The graffiti lascivious and lewd.                           
Shopkeepers are mean,                                       
And if you are green,                                       
You can bet that you're sure to get screwed.                
                                                            
37289 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     John Miller              



I'm leaving New York!  Which like Soddom                    
Had morals one time, but forgot 'em.                        
And Hollywood style                                         
Now worships the vile                                       
(For example, Ms Hillary Rhodam).                           
                                                            
37290 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK                              



I never saw inside a girl's dorm.                           
In fact, I never even got warm.                             
For fun, after dark,                                        
I used Prospect Park,                                       
And occasionally got caught in a storm.                     
                                                            
37291 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Norm Brust               



About Prospect Park, I would say,                           
Though it was a nice place to stay,                         
With passing of time,                                       
It's now bed of crime,                                      
And I wouldn't go near it today.                            
                                                            
37292 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Chris Papa               



In olde days I'd sit on its strand,                         
And take in the large Goldman band.                         
But it's been replaced                                      
By music less chaste,                                       
And thugs who're the scum of the land.                      
                                                            
37293 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Chris Papa               



Oh Brooklyn!  Where I used to play                          
And enjoyed such fun in my day;                             
Your spirit is gone.                                        
I think it moved on                                         
When the Dodgers were shipped to L A.                       
                                                            
37294 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Chris Papa               



Brooklyn Tech where I grew bright and strong,               
Had 6000 boys, but ere long,                                
It's reduced by half,                                       
The students and staff;                                     
With coeds, another great wrong.                            
                                                            
37295 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Chris Papa               



History, the truth it displays                              
To elders, those set in their ways,                         
Who yearn for times yore,                                   
For in memories store,                                      
Those really were "the good old days!"                      
                                                            
37296 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Chris Papa               



The efforts to save and restore,                            
Is greatest New York at its core.                           
The job 'twill be complete                                  
And back on its feet;                                       
There'll be our proud city once more.                       
                                                            
37297 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     Chris Papa               



Trysting in New York City's a breeze                        
And the clandestine liaisons please,                        
Giving way to temptation.                                   
The clear implication                                       
Comes with Breakfast at Epiphanys.                          
                                                            
37298 LOCATION - U.S. - NEW YORK     L C Fitzhugh        P0112



Alligator?  But surely I jest?                              
No way! With these reptiles we're blessed.                  
The newspaper there                                         
Has photos, I swear!                                        
(There's a link from my site, be by guest)                  
                                                            
37299 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS                                 



Coyotes and spiders and bears, oh my!                       
We have 'em in Texas, no lie!                               
Armadillos and snakes                                       
And jackalopes (fakes),                                     
And wolves and deer and blue sky.                           
                                                            
37300 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS                                 



They say things are bigger in Texas,                        
So the thought of a penis perplexes.                        
For you girls out of state,                                 
It's never too late,                                        
To move where the world's greatest sex is.                  
                                                            
37301 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS                                 



There's a place that people call Noodle,                    
In Tee Ex, about which I doodle.                            
So I list here this town,                                   
Quick, write it all down!                                   
Ere I forget the whole kit-and-kaboodle.                    
                                                            
37302 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



There are rattlesnakes three meters long                    
And chiggers, but don't get me wrong:                       
No State could be greater,                                  
Even though alligator                                       
Of late have been coming along...                           
                                                            
37303 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS                                 



Said a drawling old Texan named Pard:                       
"All my neighbors must think I got fired.                   
I worked hard when I would,                                 
But retired when I could;                                   
Now I just stand around in the yard."                       
                                                            
37304 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Cyber Geezer             



Two Rottweilers saw a Texan and assessed him.               
His Cologne of the Saddle impressed them.                   
They ran quickly to greet him,                              
But declined then to eat him,                               
For they knew they could never digest him.                  
                                                            
37305 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Shelby M Forrest         



Texas is known for the steer,                               
For oil and Lone Star Beer,                                 
For horses and cattle,                                      
And the Alamo battle                                        
That was won by that Mexican queer.                         
                                                            
37306 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Mr Malo                  



A stubborn old Texan named Dowd,                            
For decades stood out from the crowd.                       
Contrarily proud he                                         
Had never said "Howdy!"                                     
Where no other greeting's allowed.                          
                                                            
37307 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Cybergeezer              



I've read lots of books on Amarillo,                        
With their cowboys, steers and armadillo.                   
It's all lies I tell you,                                   
There's not a damn thing to do,                             
Except watch for the wind in the willows.                   
                                                            
37308 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS                                 



There's an old Texas town, name of Bastrop,                 
Where they think that Wal-Mart's the class shop.            
Too long some have tarried,                                 
They're now intermarried,                                   
And resent one more artsy-crap shop.                        
                                                            
37309 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS                                 



Home Home on the range,                                     
In Texas everyone's strange.                                
They call themselves Tex                                    
And no matter the sex,                                      
Their wardrobes will all interchange.                       
                                                            
37310 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        MrMalo                   



Of all the names on Ottley's list,                          
The name, Glasscock! Who can resist?                        
But since it's apparent                                     
That glass is transparent,                                  
Perhaps the place does not exist.                           
                                                            
37311 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Irving Superior     P8805



In Glasscock, Texas, tourists stare                         
At nudist campers everywhere.                               
And since it's apparent                                     
That glass is transparent,                                  
The men look just like women there.                         
                                                            
37312 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Irving Superior     P8805



In Glasscock County, State of Tex.,                         
The homos will convention next.                             
"...and since it's apparent                                 
That glass is transparent,                                  
For good clean fun bring spray Windex.                      
                                                            
37313 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Irving Superior     P8805



Enough with pruning poor Glasscock.                         
Of see-through blouses, I now talk.                         
While Glasscock stretches wit,                              
Through see-throughs lie a teat,                            
And that, my friend, will stretch a jock.                   
                                                            
37314 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Irving Superior     P8805



We celebrate the New Year in Texas                          
With women both fat and orexis.                             
We douse their fair names                                   
With vintage champagnes,                                    
And confetti their sweet solar plexus.                      
                                                            
37315 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        Ken Rose                 



There was a young lady of Pasco,                            
Who thought she was hot as Tobasco.                         
But just when it mattered,                                  
Illusion was shattered;                                     
Her honeymoon was a fiasco.                                 
                                                            
37316 LOCATION - U.S. - TEXAS        John E Mayhood      P9805



We're approaching the 4th of July                           
And the typical Northwestern sky                            
Will be threatening rain,                                   
And so once again,                                          
I'll be holdin my cook out inside!                          
                                                            
37317 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH                                  



For once I would like for God                               
To smile on Seattle and nod                                 
His head yes, so that we                                    
Had the 4th raincloud free.                                 
Perhaps God just thinks I am odd.                           
                                                            
37318 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH                                  



A skinny chap from Sequim Bay                               
Didn't realize that he was gay.                             
It was hard in the shower,                                  
But it gave him the power                                   
To know just what style to portray.                         
                                                            
37319 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Nancy Cee                



There was a young stripper from Sequim,                     
Acting on an absurd whim,                                   
Painted her cleft,                                          
Both the right and the left,                                
And displayed it for us at the gym.                         
                                                            
37320 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Nancy Cee                



The ultimate lewd bacchanalia                               
Can be found in the streets of Centralia,                   
Where proudly displayed                                     
Are the floats on parade                                    
Of paper-mache genitalia.                                   
                                                            
37321 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Ed Potts            P8710



You'll find, if you go to Humptulips.                       
A man who loves fat kangaroo hips;                          
A marsupial rump                                            
That is tender and plump --                                 
Well-roasted and served with mint juleps.                   
                                                            
37322 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Ed Potts            P8710



The ladies, well-bred in Kalama                             
Go to school for their music and drama;                     
Learn to wash, cook and sew                                 
From their mothers, you know --                             
But their fucking they learn from old Gramma.               
                                                            
37323 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Ed Potts            P8710



In the Western town of Puyallup                             
There lives only a single trollop.                          
For the boys, it is boresome,                               
They would like it more whoresome --                        
But you can't fight with a poll by Gallup.                  
                                                            
37324 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Ed Wolfert          P8304



See the bosomy maidens in Seiku;                            
Wear provocative clothes one can peek through.              
So the opposite sex                                         
Spends the day craning necks                                
For a top, frontal, side, or oblique view.                  
                                                            
37325 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Ed Potts            P8710



Tacoma's a town to eschew;                                  
It's pulp-mills create its milieu.                          
A fart in Tacoma                                            
Improves its aroma,                                         
And most of its citizens do.                                
                                                            
37326 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Ed Potts            P8710



A girl stopped one day in Tukwila,                          
And slept with a friendly gorilla                           
Which caused her to long                                    
For a night with King Kong,                                 
And a couple of bangs from Godzilla.                        
                                                            
37327 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Ed Potts            P8710



She'd not even said "Da-da" to me --                        
Our new babe whom I danced on my knee.                      
When she bellowed the worth                                 
Of the town of her birth:                                   
"Walla Walla", she gurgled with glee.        (WA)           
                                                            
37328 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Laurence Perrine    P8805



A new law in Walla Walla --                                 
When mugged you must holler holler.                         
The law is precise,                                         
You must holler twice                                       
Before you can maul a mauler.                               
                                                            
37329 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Irving Superior     P8805



In Washington city, D.C.,                                   
There are wonders around you to see --                      
The historical page                                         
Of our great heritage,                                      
But it's hard to find somewhere to pee.                     
                                                            
37330 LOCATION - U.S. - WASH         Hugh Oliver         A032A



An Eskimo matron in Juneau                                  
Is acknowledged as numero uno,                              
For although her veneer                                     
Is a trifle severe,                                         
She is only too anxious to...you know.                      
                                                            
37331 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Hugh Oliver         A013B



A kibbutz volunteer near Ashdod,                            
At his classes just started to nod.                         
He was no sun basker;                                       
He'd come from Alaska;                                      
He was more used to a line and a rod!                       
                                                            
37332 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Arthur Pattaffy          



Gals have given Alaska the nod                              
As the place to find husbands, by God;                      
For it's well understood                                    
That the odds are quite good,                               
Even if all the goods are quite odd.                        
                                                            
37333 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Jerry Nordhal       P2005



An elf made Alaska his home.                                
When a lady encountered in Rome                             
Asked, "Aren't you the boy                                  
That I met out in Troy?"                                    
He said, "No'm, I'm a gnome out of Nome."    (AL)           
                                                            
37334 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Laurence Perrine    P8805



Alaska's too cold for my liking;                            
I'd rather be beachfront and biking.                        
So I'll sit here and hack                                   
And plan my attack                                          
On Key West and Margaritaville hiking!                      
                                                            
37335 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Ystap              TP9802



An eskimo living near Nome,                                 
Erected a sign by his home.                                 
He hung on his totem,                                       
A jock and a scrotum,                                       
And the hair wore a walrus-tusk comb.                       
                                                            
37336 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                             L1499



A well-traveled lecher of Nome                              
Became too exhausted to roam,                               
So now he makes passes                                      
At Eskimo lasses                                            
And gets all his nooky near home.                           
                                                            
37337 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Allan Ottley, 1974       



I courted a young lass in Kingman.                          
She asked, "Will you buy me a ring, man?                    
For it don't mean a thing                                   
If I don't get that ring,                                   
And I'll know you're just pulling my string, man!"          
                                                            
37338 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         John E Mayhood      P9805



Today off to Phoenix I go,                                  
Where it will be too hot, I know.                           
It's always too hot                                         
In that bedamned spot                                       
Unless I am undressed -- like so!                           
                                                            
37339 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                                  



The plane was revoltingly rough;                            
My poor tummy ain't up to snuff.                            
No need for rebuke,                                         
'Cause I never puke --                                      
Nobody must clean up gross stuff.                           
                                                            
37340 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                                  



I am sacked out here in the nude;                           
Don't look or I'll think that you're rude.                  
Forgot my PJs,                                              
And so, for three days,                                     
I'll sleep as though I'm in the mood.                       
                                                            
37341 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                                  



The rich folk all winter in Scottsdale;                     
They can pay the top price at a lot sale.                   
They go North in the summer;                                
It's really a bummer;                                       
The "haves" cheer, the "have nots" wail.                    
                                                            
37342 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         John E Mayhood      P9805



I once knew a girl from Tucson,                             
Who liked to fuck with her shoes on.                        
She had a list that                                         
She used to keep track                                      
Of those she'd had on her futon.                            
                                                            
37343 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         GearHart                 



I live in the city of Tucson;                               
I don't know this girl with the futon.                      
I've become obsessed;                                       
Give me her address,                                        
And shortly she will be put upon.                           
                                                            
37344 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Puff Adder               



I flew to Tucson first class,                               
Attempting to find this hot lass.                           
I searched far and wide                                     
And punctured my hide                                       
With cacti needles in my ass.                               
                                                            
37345 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Frank Fazed              



A native called me dim-witty,                               
Said I should look in the city.                             
I checked all the streets,                                  
But found no hot sheets.                                    
Thus a sad end to this ditty.                               
                                                            
37346 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Frank Fazed              



The town where I live, please don't mock...                 
It's a place in which I put much stock;                     
It was there I was born,                                    
On a bright Autumn morn,                                    
In the suburbs just outside Wedlock.                        
                                                            
37347 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Arthur Deex         P8809



As to origins, what can I say?                              
My town is conducive to play.                               
Thanks to freeways and streets                              
And auto's back seats,                                      
We're never too far from El Lay.                            
                                                            
37348 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Kathleen Martin     P8809



I remember one time down in Reno,                           
I wandered into a casino.                                   
Just like other saps,                                       
I lost money on Craps,                                      
And finally went broke playing Keno                         
                                                            
37349 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Gifford Wherry           



If down in Hawaii, then you, too,                           
Could find a Wahine there who'd do,                         
Some things kinda sporty,                                   
And let you be naughty...                                   
You might kiss that gal Honolulu.                           
                                                            
37350 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                                  



Hawaii -- the land of Aloha,                                
Where lives an old guy name of Noah,                        
Who offers each lass                                        
In a skirt made of grass,                                   
A wee trim with his trimmer and mower.                      
                                                            
37351 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                                  



Hawaii -- explaining the Dole.                              
They show you a pineapple whole,                            
"The rich get to gulp                                       
Nine-tenth of the pulp.                                     
The poor get one-tenth plus the hole.                       
                                                            
37352 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Irving Superior     P8609



Well, good morning, my friend, so how are ye?               
As for my interruption I'm sorry,                           
But the girls you decree,                                   
While quite fine we agree,                                  
Can not match the great leis from Hawaii.                   
                                                            
37353 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                                  



There was a young fellow from Boise,                        
Who at times was exceedingly noisy;                         
So his friend's joy increased                               
When he move way back East                                  
To what people in Brooklyn call Joisy.                      
                                                            
37354 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         John Straley             



Away in far Pocatello,                                      
The girls wiggle their asses like jello.                    
When boys try to get in                                     
To commit venial sin,                                       
They go off in the air with a bellow.                       
                                                            
37355 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Ed Wolfert          P8405



A cowboy out in Montana                                     
Had never seen a gymkana.                                   
He'd never seen fish                                        
Or Lilian Gish,                                             
An apple, a pear, or banana.                                
                                                            
37356 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Spike Mulligan           



A hitchhiker left Port Alberni                              
To travel to Elko and Fernly.                               
A young blonde in a Ford                                    
Stopped and said: "Climb aboard!".                          
Which he did, interrupting his journey.                     
                                                            
37357 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         John E Mayhood      P0900



In Ely, they call their town "Eely"                         
And I thought I could court their girls freely.             
I said: "I'm a guy                                          
On whom girls can rely."                                    
But the Ely girls answered: "Oh, Really?"                   
                                                            
37358 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                             P9805



The people who live in Pahrump                              
Think their town is more than a bump                        
On all the road maps,                                       
So they build speed traps;                                  
They're hoping to catch Forrest Gump!                       
                                                            
37359 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Marlene Lewis            



A traveler stopped in Pahrump                               
And exclaimed, "This place is a dump!                       
The all-night casino                                        
Has just Bingo and Keno,                                    
And my waitress is kind of a frump."                        
(this valley has endemic fish species - McW)                
37360 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Susan Addington          



There's indisputable data                                   
That it's often warm in Nevada.                             
Except here in Reno,                                        
Playing blackjack and Keno,                                 
Where it keeps getting colder and sadda.                    
                                                            
37361 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Lynn Mostafa             



The Oregon hamlet of Fossil                  (OR)           
Has climate you could not call docile.                      
Just sage brush and heat                                    
And sand 'neath your feet.                                  
The place would vex an Apostle.                             
                                                            
37362 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Larry Davis         P8805



I searched for the Oregon trail,                            
Never dreaming my efforts would fail;                       
But, in fact, let me face it,                               
I found not a trace. It                                     
Is myth, either/or a gone trail.                            
                                                            
37363 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Laurence Perrine    P8412



It's no one-horse town, that's Tooele;                      
So says the town's strumpet, Priscilla.                     
It now owns two horses;                                     
The problem, of course is                                   
Deciding on which one to fill her.                          
                                                            
37364 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Tiddy Ogg                



She lets them take turns, don't you know,                   
Then she lets the dogs have a go.                           
She sells tickets, too!                                     
Now tell me, would you                                      
Like watching her kinky floor show?                         
                                                            
37365 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST         Bonnie                   



A point there you're making that's mooter,                  
'Cause some girls are dragons, some cuter.                  
But I'd like to say,                                        
That to get a good lay,                                     
The easy ones all come from Utah.                           
                                                            
37366 LOCATION - U.S. - WEST                                  



The snowmobile I rode that day                              
Is really quite nice in its way.                            
Handwarmers it has                                          
And that's as good as                                       
The fancy stuff on a new sleigh.                            
                                                            
37367 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



In Yellowstone Park it was nice;                            
A world covered with snow and ice;                          
With geysers and steam                                      
And landscape extreme,                                      
It was worth the 15-buck price.                             
                                                            
37368 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



American Bison we saw --                                    
We stared at them in amazed awe.                            
They've thick shaggy hide                                   
But only one side!                                          
These winter-thin beasts must eat straw.                    
                                                            
37369 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



The grebes swimming near Firehole Falls                     
Have funny, quite odd little calls.                         
The river is warm                                           
They come to no harm                                        
Once out though, they freeze their bird balls.              
                                                            
37370 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



On up the snow road we all went;                            
We came to the next geyser vent.                            
The steam 'cross the road                                   
In billowed clouds flowed,                                  
That all had a sulphery scent.                              
                                                            
37371 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



Four wolves we saw off on the right!                        
Ahhh!  What an incredible sight!                            
These wolves in the wild                                    
Had once been exiled.                                       
Of my trip that was the true height.                        
                                                            
37372 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



Pit toilets are gross in the summer.                        
In winter they're really a bummer.                          
The stink does not freeze.                                  
The smell makes me wheeze.                                  
These places cry out for a plumber!                         
                                                            
37373 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



Snow pants, sweat suit, longjohns and panties;              
Exposing skin under your scanties                           
To icy cold air.                                            
It just is not fair,                                        
That men have no need for these shanties!                   
                                                            
37374 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



At Old Faithful they have a flushy!                         
The floor is a little bit slushy.                           
But it's fairly clean                                       
(No! What can be seen!?)                                    
Oh -- geysers at that place are ass gushy.                  
                                                            
37375 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



It's much colder down by the lake,                          
But that is the road we must take.                          
There's snow in the trees;                                  
The eye it does please,                                     
So perfect you'd think it was fake.                         
                                                            
37376 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



The Yellowstone Falls was half froze;                       
At Artist's point I struck a pose.                          
A picture to keep                                           
That did not come cheap --                                  
But all you can see is my nose.                             
                                                            
37377 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



From Canyon to Norris was great.                            
It's getting a little bit late.                             
The road will be rough;                                     
That makes the ride tough.                                  
I knew not then what was my fate.                           
                                                            
37378 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



From Norris to Madison -- Yuck!                             
The good part was just the elk buck.                        
He had a huge rack,                                         
But mastered the knack                                      
Of balancing.  I was awestruck!                             
                                                            
37379 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



The moguls that snowmobiles make                            
Are like riding in a boat wake.                             
They jar out your teeth.                                    
And right underneath                                        
My hood, a high toll they would take.                       
                                                            
37380 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



The trail makes us jiggle and quake;                        
Don't know how much my boobs can take!                      
Glad mine are real small.                                   
It gives, after all,                                        
New meaning to that word "milkshake!"                       
                                                            
37381 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



When I stopped at Madison Junction,                         
I found my machine wouldn't function.                       
The damn little fart                                        
Did not want to start;                                      
It was ready for Supreme Unction.                           
                                                            
37382 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



My Dad, when he lifted the hood,                            
Said, "Sparkplugs are probably no good."                    
The sparkplug screw cap                                     
Was totally crap.                                           
The rough ride it had not withstood.                        
                                                            
37383 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



He fiddled and fussed and he fumed.                         
Then jammed it back on and resumed.                         
A pull on the rope                                          
And I had some hope                                         
It'd work if the trail had been groomed.                    
                                                            
37384 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



A big herd of Bison ahead.                                  
I weave my way through them with dread.                     
I feel the sled drag                                        
And my spirits sag;                                         
One inch and then my machine's dead.                        
                                                            
37385 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



The buffalo eye me askance.                                 
This is not a prime circumstance.                           
They're huge when they're close                             
We are nose to nose --                                      
I'm 'bout ready to pee my pants!                            
                                                            
37386 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



My Dad comes back to fix my sled                            
With buffalo 'cross the road spread.                        
But when he comes near,                                     
The young ones in fear                                      
Backed up just a few steps instead.                         
                                                            
37387 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



This Bison bull, 'bout eight feet tall                      
Was not going to back off at all.                           
He just claimed the road                                    
In challenging mode.                                        
He'd like to have started a brawl.                          
                                                            
37388 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



Dad swung a rope and called his bluff.                      
He finally backed off enough.                               
We got the sleds hooked                                     
And last time I looked,                                     
They're following us in a huff.                             
                                                            
37389 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



The jury-rigged sparkplug is in;                            
The second-day's ride we begin.                             
I ride hard and fast,                                       
I'm having a blast                                          
Just cutting where no one has been.                         
                                                            
37390 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



On climbing up Lionhead Pass,                               
I gave the machine too much gas.                            
I hit a big hole                                            
And I lost control.                                         
The bruise my knee got is first class!                      
                                                            
37391 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



My brother, he called me a wimp                             
When he saw I walked with a limp.                           
"Been kicked in the nuts?                                   
That's worse than knee cuts!                                
Get back on that sled, you lil' gimp!"                      
                                                            
37392 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



My knee swelled up twice its own size;                      
Now these guys with things on the rise                      
Got nothing on me,                                          
Because you can see                                         
My own body part that changed size!                         
                                                            
37393 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



The head gasket blew the same time;                         
No higher would my machine climb.                           
It's towed home once more.                                  
For me: perfect score!                                      
This wrecking the sled's my pastime.                        
                                                            
37394 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



My brother gave me a ride back                              
And after I gave him a smack.                               
He took it right slow                                       
Because, don't ya know,                                     
My poor knee was all blue and black.                        
                                                            
37395 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



Vacation was really great fun,                              
But I'm just as glad that it's done.                        
Recuperate now!                                             
'Cause I know somehow,                                      
The next chance to ride I won't shun!                       
                                                            
37396 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE                           



She gained secret self-satisfaction                         
From watching volcanoes in action;                          
But made this remark                                        
(While in Yellowstone Park)                                 
"Geysers drive me to utter distraction."                    
                                                            
37397 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE  Peter Wilkins            



A visit to Yellowstone Park                                 
Can be a big pain, or a lark.                               
It all will depend                                          
On whether you spend                                        
Your money on good stuff or marc.                           
(marc - cheap stuff made from the residue of distillation)  
37398 LOCATION - U.S. - YELLOWSTONE  Larry Davis         P8710



Few girls beat the record of June,                          
Who was laid in Bangkok and Rangoon,                        
Hong Kong and Vallejo, France, Montevideo,                  
Melbourne, Shigachi, Kabul, and Karachi, Kowloon, Saskatoon,
And in a cold-water flat, right on her prat,                
Out in back of Petrucci's saloon.                           
37399 LOCATION - ZOTHER                                  G0692



Where is our East Anglian Pete?                             
Perhaps he's off touring in Crete,                          
Where girlies have mothers                                  
And vengeful young brothers;                                
I hope he is being discrete.                                
                                                            
37400 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Archie                   



That chambermaid Flo from Manchuria,                        
Delivered to me by a courier,                               
Turned out to me meaner                                     
Than Sister Christina,                                      
And caused me an awful injuria.                             
                                                            
37401 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Peter Wilkins            



So parts of me now are discrete;                            
They seem to have dropped to my feet.                       
I stare at them numbly,                                     
And play with them glumly,                                  
They kick them back under my seat.                          
                                                            
37402 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Peter Wilkins            



I'm flying to Ireland today                                 
(Without my commode, by the way,                            
Whose contents I've hidden,                                 
Disguised as the midden                                     
That's tended by Old Framer Gray)                           
                                                            
37403 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Peter Wilkins            



Now Old Farmer Gray never wed;                              
He lives with his cows in a shed.                           
It's shoveling shit                                         
Into piles, keep him fit,                                   
For shenanigans nightly in bed.                             
                                                            
37404 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Peter Wilkins            



But where was I?  Ireland that's where;                     
I hope that my chambermaid there                            
Is eager to please me                                       
And willing to tease me                                     
By wiggling her sweet derriere.                             
                                                            
37405 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Peter Wilkins            



This map of places erotic                                   
Points out a few places exotic.                             
Is that here or there?                                      
And you've got one where?                                   
Geography make me neurotic.                                 
                                                            
37406 LOCATION - ZOTHER                                       



Enamored with atlases, Lee                                  
Oft measures from A to B.                                   
If B is adjacent                                            
To A or is nascent,                                         
He estimates accurately.                                    
                                                            
37407 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Peter Wilkins            



However, if B unto A                                        
Is very much further away,                                  
He uses for pleasure                                        
His personal measure;                                       
Thus Ireland is stuck to Malay.                             
                                                            
37408 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Peter Wilkins            



Hawaiians don't wear many clotheses;                        
Israelis have very big noses;                               
And that's really that.                                     
So quit, cyberbrat,                                         
More we do not want to knowses.                             
                                                            
37409 LOCATION - ZOTHER                                       



A man cruising down Mississippi                             
Had prayed he could soon please his dippie;                 
Imagine his fury                                            
When, chasing Miss Houri,                                   
He was stuck with a dry Mrs. Hippie.                        
                                                            
37410 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Bill Backe-Hansen   P9008



I once met an Eskimo who talked me                          
Into entering his igloo and walked me                       
Into his frigid lair                                        
(His bottom was bare)                                       
It was there the little sucker cold-cocked me.              
                                                            
37411 LOCATION - ZOTHER              Ericka                   



A billy, not getting enough,                                
Started licking the shepherdess' muff.                      
She was tickling his chin,                                  
When the shepherd butted in,                                
And now that poor billy goat's gruff.                       
                                                            
37412 MA GOOSE                       Actaeon                  



A tidbit the brothers named Grimm                           
Revealing a secret most grim:                               
A third brother, Lum --                                     
Insane asylum.                                              
And that's why there're not brothers Grimmm.                
                                                            
37413 MA GOOSE                       Irving Superior     P0800



One would think they'd be filled to the brim                
With ebullience, vigor and vim.                             
But in spite of their fame                                  
And wealth, true to their name,                             
Wilhelm and Jacob both remained Grimm.                      
                                                            
37414 MA GOOSE                       Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



"I know what I want for my present,                         
Fiddler Cat" laughed the dog, effervescent.                 
"A spoon and a dish                                         
To elope as they wish,                                      
And a cow that jumps over the crescent!"                    
                                                            
37415 MA GOOSE                       Rick Limer          T9712



The best part is right in the middle;                       
Whatever you do, what you did'll                            
Seem worse, fore and aft --                                 
Which is why the dog laughed,                               
Only after the cat and the fiddle!                          
                                                            
37416 MA GOOSE                       Prof M-G           TP9806



Hey, fiddle me, diddle me, soon.                            
The cat humped the cow on the moon.                         
The little dog laughed                                      
As it played with its shaft,                                
And the dish began forking the spoon.                       
                                                            
37417 MA GOOSE                       Peter Wilkins            



"The sky's falling!" squawks out the old hen;               
Things are falling in Chick' Little's pen;                  
They're just blue ceiling tiles,                            
Coming loose in the aisles;                                 
The low bidder has scored once again!                       
                                                            
37418 MA GOOSE                                                



Though Scotland Yard is still resolved,                     
WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN -- still unsolved.                    
In Scotland Yard they talk                                  
About his name COCK,                                        
Suspecting envy was involved                                
                                                            
37419 MA GOOSE                       Jim Weaver Collection    



Poor Cock Robin lies dead in the snow,                      
And "Who did it?", the wren wants to know.                  
"No, not I!" cried the sparrow,                             
"Not with my bow and arrow,                                 
'Cause I loaned them to Charlie the crow!"                  
                                                            
37420 MA GOOSE                       William N Nesbit    P0209



"Princess," said the Frog, "do not wince.                   
I'll convince you that I am a Prince!"                      
So he changed -- into tights                                
And demanded his rights,                                    
And nobody's heard of him since.                            
                                                            
37421 MA GOOSE                       Gina Berkeley            



Maybe there is a reason he's pissed;                        
There is quite a lot he has missed.                         
Guess that's why he's fond                                  
Of his place in the pond,                                   
Awaiting his turn to be kissed.                             
                                                            
37422 MA GOOSE                       Jean Fox                 



There was an old bullfrog from Prague                       
Who sat by the road on a log.                               
"Come and kiss me," he cried                                
To a princess he spied;                                     
So she did and turned into a frog.                          
                                                            
37423 MA GOOSE                       Raymond Driver      P9705



The new Georgy of Pudding and Pie                           
Was arrested for making girls cry.                          
For his serial kissing,                                     
Much school he'll be missing.                               
All the boys are now wanting to try.                        
                                                            
37424 MA GOOSE                       Leslie Boker             



The Gingerbread Man led the chase;                          
Even horses a poor second place;                            
Till a fox that he met                                      
Got him bothered and wet.                                   
He got in her but thus lost the race.                       
                                                            
37425 MA GOOSE                       John Miller 0114         



A gingerbread man name of Sonny,                            
Said, handing a baker his money,                            
"Please give me a wife                                      
Made of spice and all nice,                                 
And make sure I get a real honey!"                          
                                                            
37426 MA GOOSE                       Diane Christian          



As Goldilocks hid 'neath the stair,                         
Mother Bear shouted out, "I declare!                        
Father Bear, please explain                                 
This irregular stain,                                       
And these fair pubic hairs on your chair."                  
                                                            
37427 MA GOOSE                       Peter Wilkins            



I asked Goldilocks about bears:                             
Did she like them alone or in pairs?                        
She said, "When I'm hooking                                 
And nobody's looking,                                       
I offer menage cut-rate fares."                             
                                                            
37428 MA GOOSE                       Norm Storer         P9605



I asked Goldilocks about bears:                             
Did she like them alone or in pairs?                        
She said, "When I forage                                    
For beds and/or porridge,                                   
I'd rather find none in their lairs."                       
                                                            
37429 MA GOOSE                       Norm Storer         P9605



Goldilocks has lots of guys.                                
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised.                               
She sits on the puppet,                                     
And stick his nose up it,                                   
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!                        
                                                            
37430 MA GOOSE                       Ogden Nield              



Growled Pa Bear, "Someone's been in my bed!"                
"And mine," Ma said, "Look at that spread!"                 
Baby bear, most polite,                                     
Gently put out the light.                                   
"Nighty night, folks," was all that he said.                
                                                            
37431 MA GOOSE                       John Miller 0110         



Goldilocks was prowling at night,                           
When three bears came into her sight.                       
Father Bear's was too small;                                
While Mom had none at all.                                  
But the 'Little' Bear, his was just right.                  
                                                            
37432 MA GOOSE                       Phil T                   



Grasshopper chewed slowly and spit                          
His tobacco, which flew out and hit                         
The Toad, who offended --                                   
His person defended                                         
By tongue-lashing Grasshopper a bit.                        
                                                            
37433 MA GOOSE                       John Tomlinson           



Said Hansel to lovely young Gretel,                         
"There's a problem that we've got to settle:                
If we're goin to die,                                       
I fail to see why                                           
We can't pass the time in begetal."                         
                                                            
37434 MA GOOSE                       Norm Storer         P9605



Said Hansel to lovely young Gretel,                         
"There's a problem that we've got to settle;                
The question is which                                       
Of us two should the witch                                  
Cook first in her big metal kettle."                        
                                                            
37435 MA GOOSE                       Norm Storer         P9605



Our research in folklore discovers                          
Hansel and Gretel were lovers.                              
Hansel did all his lovin'                                   
In Gretel's hot oven,                                       
Located under the covers.                                   
                                                            
37436 MA GOOSE                       Pretty Grimm             



A handsome young fellow named Hansel                        
Was raping this beautiful damsel                            
Without one regret till                                     
She cried, "My name's Gretel,"                              
By then it was too late to cancel.                          
                                                            
37437 MA GOOSE                       Irving Superior     P8701



I once owned a pig that could fly;                          
He's been away since the Fourth of July,                    
Though a resident New Yorker                                
Said seeing a porker                                        
Hit a moon-jumping cow in the sky.                          
                                                            
37438 MA GOOSE                       H Myers                  



Humpty Dumpty, it's true, had a fall.                       
The crack, I am told, was quite small.                      
His dress was not fancy                                     
Or extravagancy.                                            
He was not baroque, not at all.                             
                                                            
37439 MA GOOSE                       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fly on the wall                            
That brave Humpty Dumpty saw fall.                          
Down to save her, he leapt...                               
But that leap was inept,                                    
Now he won't reassemble at all!                             
                                                            
37440 MA GOOSE                       M Mestert                



H. Dumpty, 'tis said, sat a wall,                           
Then Humpty, it's sad, had a fall.                          
Reassembly won't work,                                      
So King's horses, men, clerk,                               
Had fried eggs in the morning for all.                      
                                                            
37441 MA GOOSE                       Liam                     



An egg (Humpty) straddling a wall,                          
Deciding the right side to fall.                            
"It depends how I sit --                                    
Turning round -- opposite --                                
Is there really a right side at all?"                       
                                                            
37442 MA GOOSE                       Monique de Plume         



A body there next to the wall                               
Lay broken, quite dead from the fall;                       
Inspector Astute                                            
Cried out for pursuit,                                      
"Each clue should be clear to us all."                      
                                                            
37443 MA GOOSE                                                



Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,                                
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.                             
All the King's horses                                       
And all the King's men,                                     
Used eggyolk for sexlube to bugger their friends.           
                                                            
37444 MA GOOSE                                                



On the ground poor old Humpty is slumped,                   
By Alice summarily dumped.                                  
Since his fall from the wall,                               
He's missing one ball                                       
And his woody's been drastically stumped.                   
                                                            
37445 MA GOOSE                       Anon                     



While king's horsemen, all in a bunch,                      
Looked on, Humpty fell with a crunch.                       
On the pavement, he died,                                   
In the sun's heat, he fried                                 
And the troopers had omelette for lunch.                    
                                                            
37446 MA GOOSE                       Tiddy Ogg                



There was an Old Man of Blantyre,                           
Who played all day long on a lyre.                          
All the dogs and the cats                                   
And the mice and the rats                                   
Sat 'round and sang songs as a choir.                       
                                                            
37447 MA GOOSE                       Harold C Bibby           



A savant who lived on Vesuvius,                             
Said it stood on a plum-pudding pluvious.                   
when they asked him to prove it,                            
He said "I can't move it,                                   
And so it is impossiproovious".                             
                                                            
37448 MA GOOSE                       Harold C Bibby           



The giant cried, "Fee Fie Foe Fum!"                         
And Jack replied, "Me not so dumb.                          
When next he goes, 'Fee Fie!'                               
Then down the beanstalk go I.                               
Instead of a Free-Fry, Fro From."                           
                                                            
37449 MA GOOSE                       Irving Superior     P8701



Like higglety pigglety then,                                
She consorted with gentlemen ten.                           
They all nulled her void                                    
While I only toyed                                          
With jackin' my beanstalk again.                            
                                                            
37450 MA GOOSE                                                



I froliced with sweet Jack be Nimble,                       
Whose cock was the size of a thimble.                       
But I was sure glad                                         
To find out that he had,                                    
A long tongue to make a girl tremble.                       
                                                            
37451 MA GOOSE                       Jeanie                   



There once was a man in whose dream,                        
He gobbled up mountains of cream,                           
Then dreamt he died fat;                                    
Though his name was Jack Sprat,                             
And the skinny half of the team.                            
                                                            
37452 MA GOOSE                       Edwin J Weinstein        



The wife of Jack Sprat hated lean,                          
But her spouse was a skinny machine.                        
So he called Tommy Tucker                                   
To come over and fuck her,                                  
While Jack gave her tonsils a sheen.                        
                                                            
37453 MA GOOSE                       Hugh Clary               



The Sprats once again said, "Aw, Shucks!"                   
When the wife, who was fat, favored fucks,                  
While Jack, who was thin,                                   
And too short to get in                                     
To her blueberry box, favored sucks.                        
                                                            
37454 MA GOOSE                       Hugh Clary               



Mrs. Sprat being fat and downhearted,                       
She had suddenly up and departed;                           
For her mate, as a rule,                                    
Took his miniscule tool,                                    
And was finished before she had started.                    
                                                            
37455 MA GOOSE                       Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



Old King Cole was a bugger for the hole,                    
And a bugger for the hole was he.                           
He called for his wife,                                     
And stuck her with a knife,                                 
And out jumped a K-I-D.                                     
                                                            
37456 MA GOOSE                                           L0933



It been said that Old King Cole                             
Was a very merry old soul.                                  
He'd call for his pipe                                      
Each and every night,                                       
Then he'd light up a monster-sized bowl.                    
                                                            
37457 MA GOOSE                       Gearhart                 



As a king, he is fiendishly droll,                          
The monarch call Merry Old Cole.                            
His favorite wish                                           
Is to mate with a fish,                                     
So at dinner we never choose sole.                          
                                                            
37458 MA GOOSE                       OgniGioia                



By tradition, when guarding their sheep,                    
Shepherds sing, play the panpipes, or sleep.                
But Little Boy Blue                                         
Preferred a good screw                                      
In the haystack with Little Bo Peep!                        
                                                            
37459 MA GOOSE                       CeeJay                   



Horatio met Little Boy Blue:                                
Said, "Little Boy, what do you do?"                         
"It's best, Little said,                                    
"To show you instead..."                                    
Oooo, Boy...I'm a Hornblower, too!"                         
                                                            
37460 MA GOOSE                       Travis Brasell           



There once was a little mermaid                             
Who wanted legs just to get laid.                           
But she was quite perplexed                                 
When after they sexed,                                      
`er prince got his coin purse and paid.                     
                                                            
37461 MA GOOSE                       Phil T                   



Sweet Mary likes to be the boss,                            
But lambsey did not give a toss.                            
Soon he'll be in                                            
The nice roasting tin,                                      
Served up in a tray with mint sauce.                        
                                                            
37462 MA GOOSE                       Jayne                    



When her father arrived from East Surrey,                   
Mary thought that she'd make a lamb currey;                 
But her cooking's so bad                                    
That it made dad feel bad,                                  
And he barfed up the lot in a hurry.                        
                                                            
37463 MA GOOSE                       Tiddy                    



So how does your garden grow, Mary?                         
It certainly seems you're contrary;                         
Your pussy-lips sweet                                       
Are now naked and neat,                                     
But by Saturday night they'll be hairy.                     
                                                            
37464 MA GOOSE                                                



All else Mistress Mary forsook                              
To find how her garden did look;                            
Lovely maidens were there,                                  
Silver bells to compare.                                    
And shells crammed into corner nook.                        
                                                            
37465 MA GOOSE                       Hilde na Beag            



Mary, she had a lamb little;                                
Its bones were quite fragile and brittle.                   
Except at the rear,                                         
The one she loved dear;                                     
She'd stroke it until it would spittle.                     
                                                            
37466 MA GOOSE                       Rick Limer          T9711



We treat Mary (of unknown locality)                         
And her lamb without proper formality.                      
Let me ask: Do we view                                      
A young ram or a ewe?                                       
Just pure Love? Or a budding bestiality?                    
                                                            
37467 MA GOOSE                       Isaac Asimov             



There is this small man, short and hairy;                   
We will just call him Larry.                                
When he sees his maw,                                       
He lets out a BAAAAA;                                       
This is proof that the lamb had Mary.                       
                                                            
37468 MA GOOSE                       Debnric                  



When poor Mother Hubbard was gone,                          
She left Father Hubbard alone;                              
Each night in his car,                                      
He'd drive to a bar                                         
And pick up a dog for his bone.                             
                                                            
37469 MA GOOSE                       Travis Brasell           



Mother Hubbard was comely and fair,                         
But was terribly hairy down there.                          
To see through the thatch,                                  
Her beau lit a match;                                       
Now, not only her cupboard is bare.                         
                                                            
37470 MA GOOSE                       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



Once a mouse took a thorn from the paw                      
Of a lion by psychical law.                                 
Go straight to Manilla                                      
If you have one scintilla                                   
Of doubt that sticks in your craw.                          
                                                            
37471 MA GOOSE                       Paul Niquette            



Pete be nimble, Pete be quick,                              
Then she sucked on Petey's dick.                            
Did her duty;                                               
Drank his spooty,                                           
Then Pete licked her cooty slick.                           
                                                            
37472 MA GOOSE                       Gearhart                 



With no help for a rhyme from my Funk 'n,                   
I must tell this about P P Duncan:                          
Both P's stand for Peter.                                   
So what could be sweeter,                                   
That having a sweetheart named Punkin.                      
                                                            
37473 MA GOOSE                       Pierce Evans             



Peter Piper thought it was just fine                        
To find peppers pickled in brine.                           
He said, "It would tickle                                   
Me now if some chick'll                                     
Come pickle my pecker in wine."                             
                                                            
37474 MA GOOSE                       Norm Storer         P9605



The magistrate counseled old Peter                          
(That lowdown debased pumpkin eater),                       
"It's no sacrifice                                          
Renouncing your vice --                                     
Try eating young pussy, it's sweeter."                      
                                                            
37475 MA GOOSE                       Armand E Singer       990



Peter, Peter, titty grabber,                                
44's, he had to have her.                                   
Petal's B-cups                                              
Were not enough                                             
44's he'd rather lather.                                    
                                                            
37476 MA GOOSE                       Gearhart                 



Peter, Peter, Petal-eater,                                  
Also likes to suck on teater.                               
Likes her better                                            
Dressed in leather,                                         
Then with whips and chains he'll beat her.                  
                                                            
37477 MA GOOSE                       Gearhart                 



"Peter!", cried Mopsy, "You scut!                           
Fresh soaked with sex from your rut!                        
It's that long haired Angora,                               
That doe from Gomorrah!                                     
She stole you, that estrussy slut!"                         
                                                            
37478 MA GOOSE                       Tutta Gioia              



Rapunzel let down her long hair,                            
So the prince could climb up to her lair.                   
The witch learned the plan                                  
And captured the man,                                       
But they still lived on happily e'er!                       
                                                            
37479 MA GOOSE                       Lois Walker              



Said Rapunzel, high up in her castle,                       
"This is getting to be quite a hassle.                      
I've given up hope                                          
Of a prince with a rope,                                    
So I'm growing my hair past my astle.                       
                                                            
37480 MA GOOSE                                                



"Though the prince," said Rapunzel to friends,              
"Is careful about what he spends,                           
If he'd bought him a good                                   
Sturdy ladder of wood,                                      
I wouldn't have all these split ends."                      
                                                            
37481 MA GOOSE                       A. N. Wilkins       P8701



Rumplestiltskin's an odd little man,                        
Borrows footwear from young Peter Pan.                      
He found lots of fame                                       
From guessing his name,                                     
But it's painted all over his van!                          
                                                            
37482 MA GOOSE                       Jayne                    



A fairy tale (less Grimm more grim).                        
A princess fair both tall and slim                          
And bosom high                                              
A dwarf doth spy,                                           
Then climbs a stilt to rumple skin.                         
                                                            
37483 MA GOOSE                       Irving Superior     P8701



The princess slept for many long years;                     
A cup of tea brought her to, shedding tears.                
As she drank it she stirred;                                
A slight whisper was heard,                                 
Why use tea?  I prefer ales or beers.                       
                                                            
37484 MA GOOSE                       Arthur Pattaffy          



When the witch, the fair princess would nick                
With a scratch from a thorn off the thick,                  
The nice witch was deep,                                    
Turning death into sleep,                                   
Which was broke when she felt one more prick.               
                                                            
37485 MA GOOSE                       Bill Backe-Hansen   P8701



There once was a farmer named Jives,                        
Who grew tired of his seven old wives.                      
He gave each as her pittance                                
Some cats and some kittens,                                 
And herded them out of St. Ives.                            
                                                            
37486 MA GOOSE                       John Ciardi              



Said the wolf to three pigs, "You are dead.                 
Of your house, I will leave not a shred."                   
It was rumored in town                                      
That he blew the house down,                                
But he blew the three piggies instead.                      
                                                            
37487 MA GOOSE                       Al Chaplin          P8701



Kids are often exhausting - Oh, brother!                    
It's always one thing or another.                           
They'll use any excuse                                      
When they want Mother Goose,                                
Leaving Dad too worn out to goose Mother.                   
                                                            
37488 MA GOOSE                       Jerry Nordal        P0208



Said the turtle to his rival, the hare,                     
"You're faster but why should I care.                       
I'll be first at the goal                                   
Where I'll pray for your soul."                             
Hares always get caught in a snare!                         
                                                            
37489 MA GOOSE                       Dirruk                   



By the shoreline the hare sat awake                         
For the race was a grevious mistake.                        
To the tortoise, the hare                                   
Said he was not aware                                       
That the last mile was crossing the lake.                   
                                                            
37490 MA GOOSE                       Al Chaplin          P8701



Said the Hare to the Tortoise, "Dear chap,                  
I can catch you with ease, so I'll nap."                    
'Round a bend, Tortoise crept                               
While the Hare overslept,                                   
And then lost, 'cause he can't read a map!                  
                                                            
37491 MA GOOSE                       Prof M-G                 



The God of Luck I ought to shoot.                           
You saw I was in hot pursuit.                               
And at the finish line                                      
Was just three feet behind;                                 
That tortoise had a rabbits foot!                           
                                                            
37492 MA GOOSE                       Irving Superior     P8701



There was an old woman who lived in a shoe                  
With more children than she could handle.                   
And when they were grown,                                   
And all left home,                                          
She moved herself into a sandal.                            
                                                            
37493 MA GOOSE                                                



An old woman who lives in a slough                          
Is surrounded by damp and mildew.                           
She's rolling away                                          
And that's where she'll stay,                               
Till she runs off as liquidy goo.                           
                                                            
37494 MA GOOSE                       Esther Koch              



The old woman who lived in a shoe,                          
Beat all of her kids black and blue.                        
If only she had                                             
Seen a birth control ad,  (Seen an F.P.A. ad)               
She would have known what to do!                            
(FPA - could be Brits family planning association)          
37495 MA GOOSE                       Joyce Johnson            



The old woman who lived in a shoe,                          
When she had nothing better to do,                          
Would bed down her dears,                                   
After boxing their ears,                                    
And relax with a cobbler or two.                            
                                                            
37496 MA GOOSE                       John Ciardi              



An old woman who lived in a shoe,                           
Who with children, knew not what to do.                     
She took to the streets,                                    
Trading blowjobs for treats.                                
Now she's full and the children are too.                    
                                                            
37497 MA GOOSE                       Richard Long             



An old woman who lived in a shoe,                           
Getting pregnant, knew not what to do.                      
She had learned almost nil                                  
'Bout the condom and pill,                                  
But Oh!, how that woman could screw!                        
                                                            
37498 MA GOOSE                       Al Capetown              



There was a young shepherd of Thrace                        
Who boasted a steely embrace.                               
Like Little Bo Peep                                         
He'd grab him a sheep                                       
And fuck it smack dab in the face.                          
                                                            
37499 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Armand E Singer        85



I've a question for Little Bo Peep,                         
Just how did you lose all those sheep?                      
The pretty white lambs                                      
With their dams, and their rams? --                         
"Just counting them put me to sleep."                       
                                                            
37500 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Laurence Perrine    P8701



Oh give me that soft woolly sheep,                          
Which says "Baa-aaa" as I thrust myself deep.               
For it never complains                                      
And has double the brains                                   
Of that snivelling, whining Bo-Peep.                        
                                                            
37501 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's the story of Little Bo Peep,                         
Whose ineffable actions with sheep                          
(She fondled and necked 'em                                 
And tickled their rectum)                                   
Causes flesh on most Christians to creep.                   
                                                            
37502 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Armand E Singer        95



Find someone else? Why you creep!                           
After me dressing up as Bo Peep!!!                          
How was I to know                                           
Your passion won't grow                                     
Unless I dressed up as a sheep!                             
                                                            
37503 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Karen                    



Now as for Little Bo-Peep,                                  
At last she has found all her sheep.                        
From too many to choose,                                    
She kicked out the ewes,                                    
But the rams she decided to keep!                           
                                                            
37504 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Rick Limer          T9711



Unmarried, she called herself Ms.                           
Till somebody gave her the Bs;                              
Now Mrs. BoPeep                                             
Has three little sheep                                      
And knows where the came from: they're Hs.                  
                                                            
37505 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Armand E Singer       641



They say that the act is felonious,                         
But let us not be sanctimonious.                            
When you put it to sheep,                                   
As did Mr. Bo Peep,                                         
They let out a bleat quite ewephonious.                     
                                                            
37506 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             OgniGioia                



Where is Little Boy Blue this fine morn?                    
In the haystack as sure as you're born.                     
But he isn't asleep,                                        
He's with Little Bo Peep.                                   
And just look where he's putting his horn!                  
                                                            
37507 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Isaac Asimov             



Sharon, a rebel black sheep,                                
Escaped from Little Bo Peep.                                
"I'm not going back,                                        
That flock I can't hack,                                    
And Bo Peep is a nag and a creep."                          
                                                            
37508 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Nancy Henry-Kline   P9306



The trouble with Little Bo Peep                             
Is she's far too expensive to keep.                         
And she tends to go off                                     
The idea of a boff,                                         
When you've just had your way with her sheep.               
                                                            
37509 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP                                      



Now Cambria's famous for sheep;                             
A damn shame that they get to keep                          
The company of you,                                         
Who knows not what to do                                    
With them or with Little Bo Peep.                           
                                                            
37510 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Tiddy Ogg                



That Mary had one wooly sheep,                              
She kept in her bed when she'd sleep.                       
Found out it's a ram,                                       
Now she has a lamb,                                         
And has changed her name to Bo-Peep!                        
                                                            
37511 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP                                      



Boy Blue looked a Little Bo Peep,                           
With a face like the back of a jeep.                        
He didn't stay blue,                                        
for the lad always knew                                     
He'd have better success with the sheep.                    
                                                            
37512 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Tiddy Ogg                



The brothers of Little Bo Peep                              
Would run o'er the mountains and leap                       
On the back of a cow,                                       
For a bovine-type plow.                                     
(The reason?  Hill trotters shun sheep.)                    
                                                            
37513 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP                                      



I have to agree with you; sheep                             
Are convenient creatures to keep                            
And could well bring you luck,                              
For you might get to fuck                                   
That delectable Little Bo Peep.                             
                                                            
37514 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP                                      



A girl known as Little Bo Peep                              
Has rented a few of her sheep                               
To some men on the range,                                   
Who like sex to be strange,                                 
And think hookers charge prices too steep.                  
                                                            
37515 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Cap'n Bean               



Bo Peep sits alone and forlorn                              
As her sheep wander off through the corn.                   
She couldn't get through                                    
To little Boy Blue,                                         
'Cause that kid just blows his own horn!                    
                                                            
37516 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP                                      



Bo Beep had fallen asleep                                   
All because she was counting sheep.                         
She woke up wonderin'                                       
Where they went wanderin'?                                  
Where the hell did those suckers creep?                     
                                                            
37517 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP                                      



When asked why the sheep was appealing,                     
She answered their query by kneeling                        
Down next to her lamb.                                      
"It's because he's a ram                                    
And well hung!" said Bo Peep with feeling.                  
                                                            
37518 MA GOOSE - BO PEEP             Tiddy Ogg                



Once a girl named Cinderella                                
Got laid by every other fella.                              
"Cinderella! Do chores!"                                    
"Cinderella! Drop drawers!"                                 
That's why the Grimm tale's a best sella'!                  
                                                            
37519 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA                                   



Cinderella slipped off to the dance,                        
Where she dropped off a slipper, by chance.                 
She was followed and wed,                                   
Then rushed off to bed,                                     
Where Prince Charming got into her pants.                   
                                                            
37520 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA                              G0051



A young lady called Cinderella,                             
By her step-kin was not treated wella.                      
Fairy Godmother's coming,                                   
Set Cindy's life humming,                                   
And she got the prince for her fella!                       
                                                            
37521 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Lois Walker              



When the Prince, who was terribly smit,                     
Tried the slipper on Cinders and it                         
Fitted so snugly,                                           
It gave the two ugly                                        
Old sisters the worse kind of fit.                          
                                                            
37522 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Joyce Johnson            



There was Cinderella, that whore,                           
At the ball, found a prince to adore.                       
She he showed her the shoe,                                 
She yelled, "Princeman, Fuck you!"                          
Which he did there and then on the floor!                   
                                                            
37523 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Jim Weaver Collection    



Black ash from the hearth she would pluck,                  
But Prince with her beauty was struck.                      
With footware of glass,                                     
The test she would pass,                                    
CINDERELLA, I'd call "Lady Luck!"                           
                                                            
37524 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Chris Papa               



The tale, from an old wisdom, steers,                       
Contrary to what else one hears.                            
It seems to insist,                                         
Like an optimist,                                           
"You can make silk purse from sow's ears."                  
                                                            
37525 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Chris Papa               



Fireplace cleaning made CINDERELLA                          
Filthy like mushroom Portabella;                            
A smell to the prince                                       
Which caused him to wince;                                  
That prince was not a nice fella.                           
                                                            
37526 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Daniel Ford              



He'd not even wait for her tear                             
To wash the black soot from skin clear;                     
He was heard to curse,                                      
"The hell with silk purse;                                  
Just get your black ash out o' here!"                       
                                                            
37527 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Daniel Ford              



Cinderella was Queen of the Ball,                           
And she started a real royal brawl,                         
When at midnight's last stroke,                             
The magic spell broke;                                      
There she stood wearing nothing at all!                     
                                                            
37528 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          John Miller 0113         



If this tale that you tell is a lie,                        
I will throw down my crown and I'll cry.                    
I'm the Prince (it is true!)                                
Words I mince (not with you!)                               
I'm a guy, that's a girl, that's a guy...                   
                                                            
37529 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA                                   



You're looking for Cinderella?                              
If I see her, I'll probably tell her.                       
But although it's a blow                                    
To tell you, I know...                                      
That slipper belongs to a fella.                            
                                                            
37530 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Ticketyboo               



Oh dear!  Princies secret is out!                           
Who's spreading those rumors about                          
His slippers and frocks                                     
And his sparkly socks?                                      
It's that ugly step sister, no doubt!                       
                                                            
37531 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Spud                     



Once upon, says the fable, a time...                        
What a start!  Such word-mangling's a crime.                
Three billygoats gruff                                      
This prince thought too rough,                              
And their offer of sex he declined.                         
                                                            
37532 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Now wasn't that first verse pure crap?                      
You surely must think me a sap.                             
But to get to the point,                                    
Yon prince wants to anoint                                  
His dong in some peasant girl's lap.                        
                                                            
37533 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



He's sick of those well-to-do bints;                        
They complain about goo on the chintz.                      
So with palette and brush,                                  
He goes out in the bush,                                    
As the artist - once known as Prince.                       
                                                            
37534 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



As he wanders down by the mill stream,                      
There's a dolly, all peaches and cream,                     
Whom he quickly approaches,                                 
And the subject he broaches,                                
Of her modelling nude, on the green.                        
                                                            
37535 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



But although she would much like to play,                   
Her father soon calls her away;                             
Being older and wiser,                                      
And a bit of a miser,                                       
He reckons the painter won't pay...                         
                                                            
37536 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



...For this beauty, for she is his prize.                   
He's two others, and often supplies                         
Them to fellows 'round town,                                
For five bucks they'll lie down,                            
And willingly open their thighs.                            
                                                            
37537 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



But this one, young Cindy's a virgin,                       
For whom many peckers would burgeon.                        
So he keeps her price high,                                 
And though many blokes try,                                 
That pimp won't give in to their urgin'.                    
                                                            
37538 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



(Rhyming virgin with urgin's a bore,                        
Many people have done it before,                            
But apart from encouragin'                                  
And sturgeon and purgin'                                    
The choices one has are so poor.)                           
                                                            
37539 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Though his true love our Princey has found,                 
There is plenty more crumpet around.                        
So he has a fine spree,                                     
In the next day or three,                                   
As he fucks himself into the ground.                        
                                                            
37540 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Now infested with crabs and with lice,                      
His adventure he rates pretty nice.                         
By a quack he's inspected,                                  
And soon disinfected...                                     
But of Cindy he still wants a slice.                        
                                                            
37541 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



His habits you may think immoral,                           
He sure doesn't practice withdrawal,                        
His red headed dwarf is                                     
In many an orifice,                                         
But his main predilection is oral.                          
                                                            
37542 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



I'm the pillar of highest society;                          
I act with the greatest propriety;,                         
And at church, in the pews,                                 
Where other folk snooze,                                    
I'm alert, yes, a model of piety.                           
                                                            
37543 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Doesn't he talk utter tosh,                                 
He thinks that because he talks posh,                       
We'll think he's real slick,                                
But he's just a dumb prick,                                 
All that stuff there a hog wouldn't wash.                   
                                                            
37544 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



So his faithful old butler he calls,                        
And says "Serf, prepare the grand hall.                     
All the totty invite,                                       
And from them I just might,                                 
A chick fit to hold royal balls."                           
                                                            
37545 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



At the hop he soon spies Cindy's sisters.                   
"Christ, they're foul.  I'd rather have blisters!"          
Then Cindy he spies,                                        
Feels a throb 'twixt his thighs,                            
And in only five minutes he's kissed 'er.                   
                                                            
37546 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



All that tripe about rats, mice, and pumpkins,              
Put about by your old country bumpkins,                     
As an early squash ad,                                      
Which failed and so sad-                                    
Ly their produce they all had to dumpkins.                  
                                                            
37547 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



True, she fled at the end of the dance,                     
And he hadn't got into her pants,                           
But there on the floor,                                     
By the still swinging door,                                 
Some dentures the prince found by chance.                   
                                                            
37548 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



I can hear you say "Ogg's round the twist.                  
He's obviously quite lost the gist."                        
But I've done my researches                                 
In castles and churches,                                    
And found what the others all missed.                       
                                                            
37549 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



So our princey's lost interest in tits,                     
And the other erogenous bits,                               
As he hunts north and south,                                
In a search for the mouth,                                  
That the cheap plastic denture set fits.                    
                                                            
37550 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



So accompanied by several coppers,                          
Distributing candy gob-stoppers,                            
He tramps his domain,                                       
Slowly turning insane,                                      
Examining every tart's choppers.                            
                                                            
37551 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



I hope that this excess verbosity,                          
Will serve to increase curiosity,                           
As to the denouement,                                       
But between you and me-ment,                                
I really could not give a tossity.                          
                                                            
37552 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



If you think that I've run to excess,                       
And remorsefulness I should express,                        
Well I say this: Hard cheese!                               
I can't you all please.                                     
But now to the climax I'll press.                           
                                                            
37553 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



The prince now is getting so randy,                         
That his legs are going all bandy,                          
From the weight of his dong,                                
As he hobbles along,                                        
But at last he does meet fair Miss Candy.                   
                                                            
37554 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Of Cindy at first I did write,                              
But don't you go getting uptight.                           
You can just blame a typo,                                  
And it's all very hypo-                                     
Thetical which one is right.                                
                                                            
37555 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



The teeth fit.  The prince is quite smitten.                
"Take them out again now, my sweet kitten.                  
We'll go home to bed,                                       
Then when you give me head,                                 
There's no chance of me getting bitten."                    
                                                            
37556 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Right, dear, it's not ladies they needs.                    
A female who'll taunt 'em and tease.                        
Just simper and coo,                                        
Or maybe just Moo!                                          
They're really quite easy to please!                        
                                                            
37557 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Cinderella is feeling quite chipper --                      
After coming, the Prince likes to flip her                  
Up onto his chest,                                          
So his lips, tightly pressed,                               
Can be felchingly slopping her dripper.                     
                                                            
37558 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Hugh Clary               



While reading of Prince Charming's munch,                   
My knickers got all in a bunch --                           
Feeling just a bit green                                    
At the thought of that scene,                               
I came this close to losing my lunch.                       
                                                            
37559 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Scott C                  



"Oh Prince, you're so charming and dapper!"                 
Said slipperless Cindy.  "My flapper                        
Is now all a-quiver                                         
Since you slurped that river                                
That flowed from my dripper to crapper.                     
                                                            
37560 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Travis Brasell           



Cinderella (so called 'cause she's sootiful),               
To her stepmother always was dutiful.                       
She goes to the ball,                                       
Let's her glass slipper fall,                               
Now a sole-kissing prince thinks she's beautiful.           
                                                            
37561 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA                                   



The foot fetish prince was quite chipper;                   
He'd found a tart fitting his slipper.                      
He kissed toes, then knees,                                 
Then northward, yelled "Jeez!                               
This smells like a three-week-old kipper."                  
                                                            
37562 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Tiddy Ogg                



Cinderella's protective buffoon                             
Gave Cindy a magic tampoon.                                 
"But don't party too late                                   
On your romantic date,                                      
For it turns to a pumpkin at noon."                         
                                                            
37563 MA GOOSE - CINDERELLA          Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Hickory Dickory Doc;                                    
Well I was, but I'm not under lock                          
And key, for malpractice,                                   
But why?  Well the fact is                                  
I poked all the girls with my cock.                         
                                                            
37564 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Dyke;                                   
Though female, it's girlies I like.                         
With them, I'm fulfilled-o,                                 
With help from a dildo,                                     
So fellow, please all take a hike.                          
                                                            
37565 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Dick;                                   
The gals like the size of my prick.                         
Until we try screwing,                                      
At which time they're ruing,                                
They can't get it in; it's too thick.                       
                                                            
37566 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Duck;                                   
And when I am down on my luck,                              
And can't find a drake,                                     
Well then, I will make                                      
It with roosters who're good for a fuck.                    
                                                            
37567 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Deke;                                   
I stopped in the woods for a leak.                          
And while thus engaged,                                     
An eagle, enraged,                                          
Swooped and took off my dick with his beak.                 
                                                            
37568 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Duke;                                   
That I have lots of sex is no fluke.                        
The girls that I ate                                        
Just simply can't wait,                                     
And submit with no sign of rebuke.                          
                                                            
37569 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Doke,                                   
And it's virgins that I like to poke.                       
But I've stopped in the main,                               
Because of the pain;                                        
The last time my pecker got broke.                          
                                                            
37570 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Dack,                                   
And I like them both yellow and black,                      
And all shades of tan,                                      
And get all I can,                                          
Through seduction or frontal attack.                        
                                                            
37571 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I'm Hickory Dickory Deck,                                   
This may be the last one, by heck.                          
'Cause this load of manure                                  
Has lost its allure,                                        
And I'm tired of writing such dreck.                        
                                                            
37572 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



I think John is courting the stork!                         
Seem all the gals he want to pork.                          
Sex is his claim to fame,                                   
Or else my own name                                         
Isn't Hickory Dickory Dork.                                 
                                                            
37573 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Cyber Wizard             



Hey, Hickory Dickory Dude!                                  
You're wonderfully lusty and lewd.                          
Please do it once more;                                     
Do it more 'til you're sore                                 
From being remarkably crude!                                
                                                            
37574 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Marlene Lewis            



I'm Hickory Dickory Doo                                     
And I am one hundred and two.                               
Just 'cause I'm an old 'un                                  
Don't mean what I'm holdin'                                 
Can't still be erected anew.                                
                                                            
37575 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY                              



I'm Hickory Dickory Ducket;                                 
I married a gal from Nantucket.                             
I killed her and gave her                                   
To old Dave the raver;                                      
He took her corpse home for to fuck it.                     
                                                            
37576 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY                              



Enough of this Grandfather clockery!                        
No Hickory-Dickery-Dockery!                                 
You games-playing mice                                      
Had better think twice                                      
Or prepare for some dodging of crockery!                    
                                                            
37577 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     John Mayhood        P0211



Grandfather, you claim to be sick                           
Of our clock-running hickory shtick.                        
It is quite the reverse --                                  
You should order your hearse,                               
If you do not stop mocking our trick!                       
                                                            
37578 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     John Mayhood        P0211



Then Grandpa starts flicking his Bic                        
And waving his hickory stick.                               
"I'm much stronger than you!                                
I could tear you in two!"                                   
The wee mouse said, "Aw, I been sick!"                      
                                                            
37579 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     John Mayhood        P0211



She's Hickory Dickory Does;                                 
On first dates she flashes her fuzz.                        
But it's loose and green,                                   
Say guys who have seen,                                     
"It looked not much like what it was."                      
                                                            
37580 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY                              



Like hickory dickory dock,                                  
Her fingers had run up my cock,                             
But on stroke number one                                    
I fired off my gun,                                         
And never got into her frock.                               
                                                            
37581 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY                              



Hickory Dickery Dock                                        
The mouse ran up the clock.                                 
The clock struck one                                        
And down he run,                                            
Dragging sore balls and cock.                               
                                                            
37582 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Jim Weaver Collection    



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
A mouse ran away with a clock.                              
But his dong was a gong                                     
Nearly twelve inches long;                                  
When he used it, she went into shock!                       
                                                            
37583 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     John Miller 0048         



Sing hickory, dickory, deg,                                 
The mouse clawed its way up his leg;                        
The mystery's solved,                                       
No clock was involved --                                    
It nibbled the end of his peg.                              
                                                            
37584 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Armand E Singer     P0102



Well, hickory, dickory, dock,                               
It seems I've a hole in my sock.                            
But in my own defense,                                      
If it makes any sense,                                      
I will not be touching your cock.                           
                                                            
37585 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY                              



I'm Hickory Dickory Dunt;                                   
It's often been said I'm too blunt;                         
When shagging a lass                                        
With a loose piece of ass,                                  
I scream, "Room for six down in front!"                     
                                                            
37586 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY                              



I'm Hickory Dickory Daisy;                                  
I drive all the teen-age boys crazy.                        
I often seduce 'em                                          
So that I can use 'em,                                      
To chew my pubes short 'cause I'm lazy.                     
                                                            
37587 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY                              



Hickory dickory dock;                                       
A mouse fell into the wok.                                  
The menu read,                                              
"Stir-fried, grain-fed"                                     
Hickory dickory dock.                                       
                                                            
37588 MA GOOSE - HICKORY DICKORY     Timothy Torkildson       



We've all heard of Little Jack Horner                       
And his feats with his thumb in the corner.                 
If I was his mom,                                           
He'd of heard of wherefrom,                                 
And become a small corner mourner.                          
                                                            
37589 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Azul                     



If I knew his ma, I would warn her,                         
Don't put your wee boy in a corner!                         
So you caught him abusing,                                  
Left hand he was using.                                     
Could this be why they call him Big Horner?                 
                                                            
37590 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jayne                    



Now Little Jack Horner, not dumb,                           
In the corner he pulled out his plum.                       
His father said, "Jack,                                     
This scene takes me back                                    
To when in my corner, I'd come."                            
                                                            
37591 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There's a problem for Mrs Jack Horner;                      
An interested person should warn her.                       
If Jack gets tumescent,                                     
He'll give her a present                                    
He got from the whore on the corner.                        
                                                            
37592 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



We were tickled as hell to hear Gertie,                     
That frigid bitch, got it so dirty.                         
For Little Jack Horner                                      
Got her trapped in a corner,                                
And fucked her from ten to five-thirty!                     
                                                            
37593 MA GOOSE - J HORNER                                G0599



Alone in a corner, quite shy,                               
The Horner kid started to cry,                              
For his name wasn't Jack,                                   
And he quite lacked the knack                               
For thumbing a plum from a pie.                             
                                                            
37594 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Norm Storer         P9605



Jack Horner, they say probed a pie,                         
With his thumb, for a plum, But "Oh My!                     
How the years will produce                                  
A much better-placed use,                                   
For his thumb," the young maidens all cry.                  
                                                            
37595 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Isaac Asimov             



Alone in a corner, quite shy,                               
The Horner kid started to cry.                              
He'd fondled his plum,                                      
And he started to come,                                     
But then caught his thumb in his fly.                       
                                                            
37596 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Norm Storer         P9605



Little Jack Horner sat in a corner                          
Extracting cube roots of infinity;                          
An assignment for boys.                                     
This will minimize noise                                    
And produce a more peaceful vicinity.                       
                                                            
37597 MA GOOSE - J HORNER                                     



There was a young boy, Jack Horner,                         
Who played with his plums in the corner.                    
Said his father, "That's bad.                               
When I was a lad,                                           
I preferred a massage at the sauna."                        
                                                            
37598 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Fiona Pitt-Kethley       



There once was a painter named Warner,                      
Who painted himelf in a corner.                             
His mood, pederastic,                                       
His appetite, drastic,                                      
For pie, plum and Little Jack Horner.                       
                                                            
37599 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Ed Potts            P8503



To cure his bad manners, Ms. Horner                         
Told her son to go sit in the corner.                       
But as he passed by,                                        
He snitched a plum pie,                                     
Which he ate with his thumbs just to scorn her.             
                                                            
37600 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Laurence Perrine    P8701



The Horner's son Jack was a nut,                            
He cornered himself in their hut.                           
They offered him pie,                                       
To which he said "Why?                                      
I've got my damn thumb up my butt!"                         
                                                            
37601 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Travis Brasell           



Little Jack Horner's a prick.                               
Believe me, the guy makes me sick.                          
He never reached in a pie;                                  
He reached in his FLY                                       
And pulled out the world's smallest dick.                   
(I think he meant Little Jack Horner - McW)                 
37602 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Pretty Grimm             



Little Jack Horner sat in the corner                        
Happily pounding away.                                      
Along came Miss Muffet,                                     
Who decided to buff it,                                     
Which blew all the cobwebs away.                            
                                                            
37603 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Steve Garlaounis         



Old Mary Contrary caught Jack                               
Horner with thumb up his crack.                             
He pulled out his thumb,                                    
And said wanna plumb?                                       
And Mary laid down on her back.                             
                                                            
37604 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jon Gearhart             



So Jack got to goin' on Mary,                               
And he did not dawdle or tarry;                             
Got right to the humpin'                                    
And I'll tell you sumpin':                                  
His pumpin' sure wet Mary's hairy.                          
                                                            
37605 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jon Gearhart             



Then Jill happened into the tale;                           
She came upon them with her pail.                           
Said Jill: "Let's go fill                                   
This here pail on the hill."                                
Said Jack: "Nah, your pail's gettin' stale"                 
                                                            
37606 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jon Gearhart             



Said Mary: "Come join in the fun,                           
For our orgy's only begun."                                 
So Jill shed her knickers,                                  
And Mary did lick hers,                                     
While Jack kept on firin' his gun.                          
                                                            
37607 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jon Gearhart             



Quite soon in came old Georgie Porgie,                      
To join in this fast growing orgie.                         
Then Little Boy Blue                                        
Came and joined in, too,                                    
And stuck his tongue in each gals' gorgie                   
                                                            
37608 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jon Gearhart             



Then Little Miss Muffet arrived,                            
And on her Boy Blue quickly dived.                          
Then Little Bo Peep                                         
Came in with her sheep,                                     
And their orgy thrived and it thrived.                      
                                                            
37609 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jon Gearhart             



Till Jack's mother, Goose, woke from slumber,               
And came downstairs to this great number.                   
She screamed: "Get out now,                                 
Before I show how                                           
I beat little brats with hard lumber!"                      
                                                            
37610 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jon Gearhart             



One day he took his right thumb,                            
And jammed it way up in his bum.                            
When he pulled it out,                                      
His mother did shout,                                       
"Don't eat that, Jack, that ain't a plum!"                  
                                                            
37611 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Gearhart                 



A little guy named Jack Horner,                             
Sits around all day in a corner.                            
When mum caught him wanking,                                
She'd not give him a spanking;                              
She figured he'd like it, the porner.                       
                                                            
37612 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Gearhart                 



As Horner tongued Mary's wet slash                          
She thought, 'Hey, he owes me some cash'.                   
So she cornered Horner,                                     
Now Jack's just a mourner,                                  
As she hacked his plums in a flash.                         
                                                            
37613 MA GOOSE - J HORNER                                     



If Jack were more nimble and quick,                         
He'd not have lost half of his dick.                        
If he had just paid her,                                    
He'd still have it later,                                   
But it was hacked off by that chick!                        
                                                            
37614 MA GOOSE - J HORNER                                     



Have a glance at that sly Jackie Horner,                    
Playing fierce pocket pool in the corner.                   
With finger and thumb                                       
He pulls out his plum,                                      
Boasting "Good for a spot on Time-Warner."                  
                                                            
37615 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Armand E Singer     P0102



Little Jack Horner sat in the corner,                       
Eating a nice hair pie.                                     
He stuck in his thumb.                                      
She said, "Are you dumb?                                    
Let me know if you're ready to try!"                        
                                                            
37616 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Richard Long             



But what of poor little Jack Horner,                        
Who sits all alone in the corner,                           
With jealousy wracked                                       
Of the others who've jacked,                                
Growing hourly more sad and forlorner.                      
                                                            
37617 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Peter Wilkins            



There was a young dolly named Warner                        
Who was trapped by a guy in a corner.                       
She looked mighty glum                                      
When he stuck in his thumb                                  
And asked, "Can it be you're Jack Horner?"                  
                                                            
37618 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Grand Prix Lim  728      



Little Jack Horny sat reading his porny,                    
Beating his meat with a sigh.                               
He gave a sharp cough                                       
Which yanked his wang off;                                  
He thought what a swell way to die.                         
                                                            
37619 MA GOOSE - J HORNER            Jhymn                    



Jack and Jill went up the hill                              
To fetch a pail of water.                                   
Jack got down.                                              
It's all over town,                                         
How he screwed Jill and he taught her.                      
                                                            
37620 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Richard Long             



Young Jack and sweet Jill made the climb                    
As in that old nursery rhyme.                               
On the hill Jack then caught 'er                            
As Jill bent for the water;                                 
What broke was her hymen this time.                         
                                                            
37621 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Bob Birch           P0208



In Boston lived Jack, as did Jill,                          
Who gained mgh on a hill.                                   
In their liquid pursuit,                                    
Jill exclaimed with a hoot,                                 
"I think we just climbed a landfill!"                       
                                                            
37622 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       David Morin              



While noting "Oh, this is just grand,"                      
Jack tripped on some trash in the sand.                     
He changed his potential                                    
To kinetic, torrential,                                     
But not before grabbing Jill's hand.                        
                                                            
37623 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       David Morin              



Jill said, "Jack, I suspected you'd fail."                  
Jack replied, "Jill, I beg you, don't rail.                 
I've had my fill                                            
Of that dangerous hill,                                     
And my broken crown's beyond the pale."                     
                                                            
37624 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Loren Fitzhugh      P0101



Young Jack said to Jill on the hill.                        
"There's a hole in my bucket."  Said Jill,                  
"Yes, I drilled it for you                                  
'Cause I'm sick of your goo;                                
Use the pail if you're desperate to spill."                 
                                                            
37625 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL                                



They climbed to the top of the hill,                        
Where young Jack lay on top of young Jill.                  
After humping a bit,                                        
He just had to admit,                                       
Fucking buckets was more of a thrill.                       
                                                            
37626 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL                                



And Jill felt the same 'bout that number,                   
In the midst of it, dropped off to slumber.                 
When all's said and done,                                   
She found it more fun,                                      
When using a juicy cucumber.                                
                                                            
37627 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL                                



The fact of the matter is, Jack                             
Had long wanted Jill on her back.                           
So he told her some tale                                    
About filling a pail,                                       
And then bungled this plan of attack.                       
                                                            
37628 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       John Stanley             



Jack and Jill went up the hill                              
To smoke some marijuana.                                    
Jack got high,                                              
Unzipped his fly,                                           
But Jill said: "I don't wanna."                             
                                                            
37629 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Jim Weaver Collection    



They say Jack and his best girlfriend Jill,                 
One nice day went climbing a hill.                          
If water they were after,                                   
Then why all the laughter,                                  
And how come Jill took her pill?                            
                                                            
37630 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Isaac Asimov             



Young Jack and his ladyfriend Jill                          
Took a bucket and went up the hill.                         
She said, "Stop that laughter,                              
I know what you're after --                                 
And you know just what you must fill."                      
                                                            
37631 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Norm Storer         P9605



A story about Jack and Jill                                 
After they fell down the hill.                              
Jack was dead,                                              
His eulogy read,                                            
And Jill was stuck with the bill.                           
                                                            
37632 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Jaymo Jamison       T9711



Young Jack and his ladyfriend Jill                          
Took a bucket and went up of the hill.                      
He said, "I have brought her                                
To carry the water,                                         
So I won't be blamed should it spill."                      
                                                            
37633 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Norm Storer         P9605



One sunny day, Jack said to Jill,                           
"Hey, let's get a pail we can fill."                        
"Then", Jill said, "When done,                              
We can both have some fun,                                  
And take a quick roll down the hill."                       
                                                            
37634 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       EVELYN BOGEN        P9604



Jack and Jill climbed that hill as they oughter;            
They each had a buck and a quarter.                         
Jill came down with a laugh,                                
And two and a half;                                         
They didn't go up there for water!                          
                                                            
37635 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       John Miller 0047         



Jack and Jill went up the hill,                             
And in the air there was a chill.                           
Her nips stood firm,                                        
And she did squirm,                                         
Then Jack her iron will did kill.                           
                                                            
37636 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       OgniGioia                



Jack and Jill sought out their thrill,                      
As Jill said, "Jack! You fit the bill!                      
But please confirm...                                       
Conserve your sperm.                                        
I'll love you for your pacing skill"                        
                                                            
37637 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       OgniGioia                



Jill thought, "Now that hill is a SCHLEP.                   
But I know young Jack has the pep                           
To help me with pail,                                       
If he thinks that tail                                      
Is reward for his gallant step."                            
                                                            
37638 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Chris Papa               



I then fought with Jill for her Jack;                       
With her pail I gave her a sound smack.                     
She rolled down the hill,                                   
While we had our fill                                       
Of sweet loving till she stumbled back.                     
                                                            
37639 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Jeanie                   



A young couple by name Jack and Jill                        
Walked quickly up a steep hill.                             
When they got to the peak                                   
They were both feeling weak,                                
They had to have a bloody big pill.                         
                                                            
37640 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Etio and Physio Lim P0206



"Jack and Jill," many cynics here say,                      
"Climbed the hill for a roll in the hay."                   
But that isn't true;                                        
There wasn't a screw.                                       
Jill said, "Let's," but dear Jack is quite gay.             
                                                            
37641 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



Little Jack was a close friend of Jill.                     
She told him she was taking the pill.                       
It was then he taught her                                   
To forget the water;                                        
Spread her legs and then gave her a thrill.                 
                                                            
37642 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tom Patton          P0208



It's been nine months since Jack visited Jill,              
Who lives way over the hill.                                
Jill did spill her water,                                   
And birthed a daughter.                                     
She's now on the birth control pill.                        
                                                            
37643 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Jillian                  



Poor Jill and her daughter now weep;                        
Jack's nowhere around now, that creep!                      
I've heard around town,                                     
He's out running around                                     
With that hussy, Little Bo Peep!                            
                                                            
37644 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Kaylin                   



Jack didn't get far with Bo Peep,                           
Once in bed there she went straight to sleep.               
So in his frustration                                       
To his ministrations,                                       
He went out and buggered her sheep.                         
                                                            
37645 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



When Jack ran his tongue over Jill,                         
As she lay on her back, on the hill,                        
Abandoning shame,                                           
She shrieked when she came;                                 
Her bold exclamations were shrill.                          
                                                            
37646 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Cap'n Bean          P0208



Jack and Jill went up the hill;                             
Both wanted a great big thrill.                             
Jack fell down                                              
And broke Jill's crown.                                     
Who will pay her dental bill.                               
                                                            
37647 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Gearhart                 



Young Jack had a SOCKDOLAGER day,                           
When he and Jill climbed up to play,                        
And once at the top,                                        
With no one to stop                                         
Them, had a good roll in the hay.                           
                                                            
37648 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Chris Papa               



At the lake's edge they stood hand in hand;                 
From the hill-top the view it was grand.                    
The girl took the pail,                                     
From her escorting male,                                    
Dipped it into the water as planned.                        
                                                            
37649 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



She bends down, and up her skirt flies,                     
And Jack can't believe his young eyes.                      
That secret delight                                         
Brings his dick to it's height,                             
And his hand reaches out for her thighs.                    
                                                            
37650 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



That first verse was full of romance,                       
But now randy Jack takes his chance.                        
Without more ado,                                           
Really wanting a screw,                                     
That fellow pulls down Jilly's pants.                       
                                                            
37651 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



He's seen it and now wants to fuck it;                      
He gropes at his zip but it's stuck; it                     
Won't free his pants,                                       
And Jill takes her chance,                                  
And hits the poor sap with the bucket.                      
                                                            
37652 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



From his head now the blood was a-leaking;                  
Dumbfounded, he lay without speaking.                       
He just got a fumble,                                       
And then had a tumble,                                      
But not quite the kind he'd been seeking.                   
                                                            
37653 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



Now Jill, as such young ladies often                        
Do, at his hard-on did soften.                              
She soon loosed his zip,                                    
And on it did slip,                                         
And soon they were happily boffin'.                         
                                                            
37654 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



All afternoon he was up her;                                
Then they went to the chippie for supper.                   
Bought cod and french fries,                                
With vinegar, twice,                                        
All tied in a brown paper wrapper.                          
                                                            
37655 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



That vinegar Jill also used,                                
To clean up Jack's head - so contused.                      
'Twas a good antiseptic,                                    
And quite contraceptic;                                     
So with it her pussy she sluiced.                           
                                                            
37656 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



So children, that must fill the bill.                       
That's the true tale of Jack and of Jill;                   
Thus pleasure and pain,                                     
Are combined once again,                                    
But they'll always remember the thrill.                     
                                                            
37657 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



The story is old, but don't chuck it;                       
At least it's a tale 'bout a bucket                         
That's managed to go,                                       
Nine verses or so,                                          
Without that damned man from Nantucket.                     
                                                            
37658 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Tiddy Ogg                



Jack and Jill went up the hill                              
And planned to do some kissing.                             
Jack made a pass                                            
And grabbed her ass,                                        
And now two of his front teeth are missing.                 
                                                            
37659 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL                                



A woman named Jill, who was pretty,                         
Took her boyfriend named Jack, from the city,               
To the top of the hill                                      
In the cool evening's chill,                                
Where she warmed him up with some titty.                    
                                                            
37660 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Cap'n Bean          P0208



Old Dame Dob had put Jill in a huff.                        
And so Jill told her Jack, "That's enough!                  
When I smell that old vinegar                               
I can tell that you've been with her.                       
The broad douches all day with the stuff."                  
                                                            
37661 MA GOOSE - JACK AND JILL       Don Moore           P0208



There once was a cockroach named archy,                     
Whose manner was frightfully starchy.                       
He gave much advice                                         
To the cats and the mice,                                   
When he let them come in his hierarchy.                     
                                                            
37662 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Joan                     



I also attest and do tell                                   
How difficult it is to lim well.                            
Befalling the spell                                         
Of the limerick cartel:                                     
Archie, where is Mehitabel.                                 
                                                            
37663 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Res                      



Archie's my buddy the roach.                                
Mehitabel's my pussy coach.                                 
One catches mice.                                           
One gives advice.                                           
They're old friends I'll never reproach.                    
                                                            
37664 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Res                      



Paul Bunyan, Babe's owner of lore,                          
Was arrested when he crapped on the floor.                  
In defense, swung his axe,                                  
But found his aim lax.                                      
Now you guess just who's ox has been gored!                 
                                                            
37665 MA GOOSE - MODERN              J Rath                   



Old Bambi was down on his luck.                             
In fact, he was just a bit stuck,                           
And he fawned, don't you know,                              
For he owed lots of doe.                                    
He'd do anything for a buck.                                
                                                            
37666 MA GOOSE - MODERN              John Dohner         P8805



The true ending to Bambi, it's said,                        
Is he got horny, and out of his head.                       
With his ramrod-hard pumper,                                
Just about to fuck Thumper,                                 
A hunter shot his silly ass dead!                           
                                                            
37667 MA GOOSE - MODERN              John Chastaine           



Bugs Bunny no longer says, "What's up doc?"                 
For now he has a very hard cock.                            
Viagra he took; He                                          
Can't get enough nooky;                                     
His cock is hard as a rock.                                 
                                                            
37668 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Jim Weaver Collection    



When Bugs Bunny refers to MAROON,                           
He means an idiot and buffoon,                              
The kind of moron                                           
He closes the door on;                                      
Sometimes Bugs Bunny was a poltroon.                        
                                                            
37669 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Daniel Ford              



The incomparable rabbit Bugs Bunny                          
Made a vow that seemed strangely funny:                     
"I'm swearing off carrots                                   
And instead eating ferrets,                                 
So my pellets won't be quite so runny."                     
                                                            
37670 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Ystap                    



There once was a little old Rat;                            
Built his house next door to a Cat.                         
Compassionate soul;                                         
Adopted a Mole,                                             
And rented to rooms to a Bat.                               
                                                            
37671 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Marlene                  



The Bat, who was slightly insane,                           
Refused to go out in the rain.                              
Just for pity's sake,                                       
Rat hired a snake,                                          
To ply the Bat with good champagne.                         
                                                            
37672 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Marlene                  



When tipsy, the rattle-brained Rat                          
Declared her mad love for the Cat.                          
The Snake and the Mole                                      
Called her a clodpole,                                      
Blind to the good care of the Rat.                          
                                                            
37673 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Marlene                  



Right when the Bat staggered next door,                     
The soft rain became a downpour.                            
She quivered in fear                                        
Until Rat ventured near.                                    
Just getting back home was a chore.                         
                                                            
37674 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Marlene                  



You must try to forget the Cat;                             
Obsession's not healthy, dear Bat.                          
Besides that, you're drunk,                                 
The Cat is a Skunk;                                         
He's stepping out with the Muskrat.                         
                                                            
37675 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Marlele                  



Something snapped in Bat's brain that day;                  
She now runs in the rain to play.                           
She forgot the Cat,                                         
Is happy with Rat.                                          
It the "ever after" cliche.                                 
                                                            
37676 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Marlene                  



These rats and bats and voles,                              
Going in each others' holes.                                
Such mad procreation                                        
And miscegenation                                           
Disturb my peaceful repose.                                 
                                                            
37677 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a woman who got                              
Some help from a writer named Scott.                        
It was a good fit;                                          
Their strip was a hit,                                      
And they work in the nude when it's hot.                    
                                                            
37678 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Nigeyboy                 



We all love the late Dr. Seuss,                             
Much more so than old Mother Goose;                         
Though I'll bet you don't know                              
(It's a shame but it's so)                                  
He went in for vile self abuse.                             
                                                            
37679 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Armand Singer       P0104



There once was a man, Elmer Fudd,                           
That chased bunny rabbits through mud.                      
The higher he chased                                        
The less pressure he faced,                                 
And less air made him dizzy, then THUD!                     
                                                            
37680 MA GOOSE - MODERN                                       



ETAOIN SHRDLU won fame;                                     
Every newspaper printed his name.                           
But computers one day                                       
Took his glory away.                                        
Why couldn't he stay in the game?                           
                                                            
37681 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Albin Chaplin       P9406



ETAOIN one time had type--                                  
He came in with a bang, time was ripe.                      
Though he worked with the brass                             
He is out on his ass.                                       
On the scrap heap, you'll now find his type.                
                                                            
37682 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Albin Chaplin       P9406



The gentry of old brobdingnag,                              
Bet on who had the most cause to brag.                      
When the champion athlete                                   
Won by two or three feet,                                   
Said the spectators, "Man, what a drag!"                    
                                                            
37683 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Pierce Evans             



One thing Gulliver learns from what he sees                 
Of the Houyhnhnms, that virtuous species,                   
Is this sovereign prescription                              
For fantods and conniption:                                 
His urine mixed with his own feces.                         
(fantod - irritability)                                     
37684 MA GOOSE - MODERN              A. N. Wilkins       P9107



Ma Goosed me right here in my fiddle;                       
'Tween thighs, it is right in the middle.                   
I'll give you a show                                        
May I borrow your bow?                                      
'Cause my cat wants to hey diddle diddle.                   
                                                            
37685 MA GOOSE - MODERN                                       



Hey diddle diddle, my mouse did a piddle,                   
My rat got a doughnut stuck 'round its middle;              
My hamster got measles,                                     
And so did my weasels,                                      
But my rabbit sat happily playing his fiddle.               
                                                            
37686 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Jayne                    



I'm the dish run away with your spoon,                      
And you're playing a right brilliant tune                   
Your jig has appeal                                         
Now I'm starting to reel;                                   
Even Bessie'd jump over YOUR moon.                          
                                                            
37687 MA GOOSE - MODERN                                       



Paul Bunyan, of leaning romantic,                           
Yearned for a Babe so gigantic,                             
That in the spring                                          
He might rise up and sing,                                  
"I found her -- and she's elephantic!"                      
                                                            
37688 MA GOOSE - MODERN              McCallum                 



Peter Pan was mistaken to peek                              
At Miss Tinkerbell's naked mystique,                        
For her nipple-less tits                                    
Have no chance to be hits,                                  
And her ass is too small to be chic.                        
                                                            
37689 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



Bragged brash Peter Pan, "I'm not old,                      
Since I dwell within Never-Land's hold;                     
'Twould really be stu-                                      
pid to come live with you;                                  
I'd soon crumble to cobwebs and mold.                       
                                                            
37690 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Robin K. Willoughby P8509



Twleve o'clock came, and then two,                          
The buffoon worried 'bout Cindy's kazoo.                    
Finally, Cindy came home                                    
With a contented moan,                                      
"Peter Peter knew what to do."                              
                                                            
37691 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Jim Weaver Collection    



On Tinker Bell mostly he'd dote,                            
While Wendy, he'd keep her remote.                          
He'd Captain Hook chase.                                    
And clinching the case,                                     
His "fairies, if you believe...." quote.                    
                                                            
37692 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Irving Superior     P9111



While receiving a young hen's fine blow,                    
The rooster Leghorn gave a crow,                            
As a tiny young hawk                                        
Was pulling his sock,                                       
"I say boy, whose a'hold of my toe!"                        
                                                            
37693 MA GOOSE - MODERN                                       



There once was a G. I. named Jack,                          
Who spent lots of time in the sack.                         
His morale was so bad,                                      
That he was constantly sad.                                 
That's how he became "The Sad Sack."                        
                                                            
37694 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



The parents of Smokey the Bear,                             
"Of Goldilocks, Smokey, beware.                             
Your porridge she'll eat;                                   
She'll sit on your seat;                                    
And mostly, she sleeps everywhere."                         
                                                            
37695 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Irving Superior     P8808



Young Thomas, the Tank Engine said                          
To dear Annie last night in the shed,                       
"If you don't let me stroke                                 
Your sweet buffers or stoke                                 
You, I'll shunt that old boiler instead."                   
                                                            
37696 MA GOOSE - MODERN                                       



The Ugly Duckling colored black,                            
They tried to drown him in a sack.                          
But he escaped from harm                                    
To Old MacDonald's Farm,                                    
Where here and there he'll "Quack Quack Quack!"             
                                                            
37697 MA GOOSE - MODERN              Irving Superior     P8701



I read,  (with a tear in my eye),                           
The Peanuts cartoon is to die.                              
The Red Baron's grounded,                                   
Lucy is dumbfounded,                                        
Goodbye Charlie Brown,  goodbye.......                      
                                                            
37698 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN                          



We all know Charlie Brown;                                  
He always seems to be down.                                 
His penis was droopy                                        
Until he saw Snoopy's.                                      
Now you will never see him frown.                           
                                                            
37699 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN Jim Weaver Collection    



"Do you like yours tender and juicy?"                       
Charlie Brown asked his friend Lucy,                        
Then he tore off her clothes,                               
But Snoopy's cold nose                                      
Made Charlie Brown's willie go droopy!                      
                                                            
37700 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN Writerman                



There once was a clumsy young lad                           
Whose baseball playing was bad!                             
He said, "Oh good grief --                                  
The game was so brief,                                      
I dropped every ball that I had."                           
                                                            
37701 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN Anon                     



The true flying ace was named Snoopy.                       
(No matter that his scarf was droopy)                       
The world said "Hell!                                       
What's that awful smell?"                                   
His enemies pants were all poopy.                           
                                                            
37702 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN Marlene Lewis            



We see flashes of snow falling down,                        
On Dowling, of Caroline-town.                               
For through the white snow                                  
She saw from below,                                         
The great Santa drawn by a hound.                           
                                                            
37703 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN Matthew Montchalin       



The reindeer, where had they gone?                          
Had something peculiar gone wrong.                          
The price of feed up?                                       
Or simply bad luck?                                         
Or bought short while buying was long?                      
                                                            
37704 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN                          



The dog was a beagle, with light;                           
The flashlight was held with jaws tight.                    
A silk scarf he wore,                                       
His guidance a chore,                                       
But thank goodness, the light was sure bright!              
                                                            
37705 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN                          



His goggles were fit for an ace;                            
He flew way up there in first place.                        
A sole supporter,                                           
He looked for stray mortar,                                 
But thank goodness, there wasn't a trace.                   
                                                            
37706 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN                          



Through silent and dark storm, his path;                    
A night that was cold, full of wrath.                       
The forces of evil                                          
Resisted that beagle;                                       
He pushed them aside with a laugh.                          
                                                            
37707 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN                          



Now, Santa had plenty of guns,                              
A sandwich of ham between buns.                             
He watched for the word                                     
Of that wicked red bird,                                    
The Red Baron!  Shoot him for once.                         
                                                            
37708 MA GOOSE - MODERN - CHAR BROWN Matthew Montchalin       



Have you ever heard Aqua-Man                                
Could fit in his ass his whole hand,                        
Right up to the wrist,                                      
Then give it a twist;                                       
Rumor is that he likes it with sand!                        
                                                            
37709 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Coolbreeze               



There once was a man named Bruce Wayne,                     
Who had a great deal of fame.                               
When the Bat Signal called,                                 
In his costume he dolled,                                   
To fight the cruel and insane.                              
                                                            
37710 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Planet Kilmer            



To Batman and Robin, "You're toast!",                       
Said the Jester, "That's no idle boast!"                    
But (you guessed it) the caped                              
Crusaders escaped,                                          
How much did you say the film grossed?                      
                                                            
37711 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS                              



A buxom young lady named Dunder                             
Said Batman had plenty of thunder,                          
But her young sister said                                   
As she left the Bat bed,                                    
He was not near as sharp as Boy Wonder.                     
                                                            
37712 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Albin Chaplin   3024-0122



There was a young lad in Gotham City,                       
Whose parents were kill (what a pity).                      
But while dressed as a bat,                                 
He dropped me in a vat.                                     
And I think that that's pretty shitty.                      
                                                            
37713 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a quite drunk and a fat man                       
Met a nun on a walk in Manhattan;                           
He pushed her right down                                    
And then danced around;                                     
"I thought that you were tougher, Batman!"                  
                                                            
37714 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     D'Arcy                   



Billy Batson jumped, then yelled "SHAZAM!"                  
On the boulders below he did slam;                          
Soup-man's lawyers had struck,                              
Now poor Bill's out of luck;                                
All that's left now's a blob of red jam!                    
                                                            
37715 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS                              



To his office, he'd quietly slithered,                      
When the boss raised an arm and come-hithered.              
"So why are you late?"                                      
Said the bigwig, irate.                                     
"Well, I really can't say," Dagwood dithered.               
(Mr Dithers is Dagwood's boss in comic strip)               
37716 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Hugh Clary               



I hear Dagwood has called Blondie dense;                    
Her inanity quite beyond immense.                           
When she urged with exactness                               
That the two of them practice                               
Safe eating and use condiments.                             
                                                            
37717 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Hugh Clary               



There once was a kiddie named Dennis,                       
That most people nicknamed "the Menace."                    
Gave Margaret a shove                                       
When the girl called him "love";                            
Plus, a girl then beat him at tennis.                       
                                                            
37718 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS                              



Much faster than Jack the quick Ripper;                     
Than Sally, the Randy fan flipper;                          
La creme de la creme;                                       
Le Flasher supreme;                                         
Flash Gordon, the great comic stripper.                     
                                                            
37719 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Irving Superior     P8806



Flash Gordon, when looking for fun,                         
Poked Dale with his little space gun.                       
Murmured she, "I'm not shy,                                 
But quick, button your fly--                                
In comics that just isn't done!"                            
                                                            
37720 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS                         G2596



Horton was looking on too                                   
And saw the cat covered on goo                              
"All is not sunk,                                           
I'll stick in my trunk"                                     
And was shocked when he pulled out a "Who!"                 
                                                            
37721 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS                              



Well what do you know about that!                           
I musta thought, "Krazy Kat"                                
Who loves mouse Ignatz                                      
And never wears hats,                                       
But always get smacked with brick bat.                      
                                                            
37722 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Arden              TP9806



At the naturists's beach, Orphan Annie                      
Feels a need to secrete that's uncanny;                     
So a dirty old man                                          
With an all-over tan                                        
Gets a look at her nooky and cranny.                        
                                                            
37723 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Thomas A. Quinine   P8312



Orphan Annie, with blank eyes and scarf,                    
Is prone to make some people barf.                          
But Anny is handy                                           
When playing with Sandy                                     
And Sandy says thanks with his, "Arf!"                      
                                                            
37724 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Neal Wilgus         P8208



Slue Foot Sue was smart, coy and sassy;                     
Pecos Bill was struck dumb, eyes glassy.                    
Widow-maker not.                                            
Sue's plan he did spot.                                     
But Pecos just saw that great chassis.                      
                                                            
37725 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS                              



I found a rag doll, thought I'd chuck her,                  
But I looked at her mouth, all a-pucker.                    
Into her mouth sewn,                                        
I pulled out a stone.                                       
Raggedy Ann -- just a cotton rock sucker.                   
                                                            
37726 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS     Ericka                   



So, your smurf mate is tiny and blue;                       
Most likely 'cause the surf is too cool.                    
Maybe Papa needs heat...                                    
You'll get a better treat;                                  
Try a hot tub to enhance his tool.                          
                                                            
37727 MA GOOSE - MODERN - COMICS                              



Donald Duck is a virtuous bird                              
Whose lust is forever deferred.                             
His sex life is dry                                         
For Walt Disney would cry:                                  
"Love is a four-letter word!"                               
                                                            
37728 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY                        G1286a



Clay Johnson was shit out of luck,                          
When he couldn't find chicken to fuck.                      
While the corps were all playing,                           
I heard someone saying,                                     
He was shaggin' on Donald the Duck.                         
                                                            
37729 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Jim Weaver Collection    



It's rumored that old Donald Duck                           
Said, "What I prefer to a fuck                              
Is to ply my nephews                                        
With a gallon of booze,                                     
And then give their peckers a suck."                        
                                                            
37730 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Al Gorehound             



So sad was poor Donald Duck,                                
Because he was down on his luck.                            
His girlfriend Daisy                                        
Drove him real crazy,                                       
As she continuously denied him a fuck!                      
                                                            
37731 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY                              



The Gov's fucking goofy, I say;                             
If to say it that way is okay.                              
While Mickey'd be dead                                      
If to Minnie he'd said,                                     
"You WERE fucking Goofy today!"                             
                                                            
37732 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     John Miller              



Whilst mending a hole in the roof,                          
Mickey was listening for proof,                             
For down in his house,                                      
His wife Minnie Mouse,                                      
Was most certainly fucking the Goof.                        
                                                            
37733 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Jayne                    



Poor Goofy was feeling dejected                             
For his penis he'd not get erected.                         
No matter what he tried,                                    
It was as if it had died.                                   
I guess it just felt too rejected.                          
                                                            
37734 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY                              



"Doctor, Doctor, my life is pure hell;                      
I see this strange thing I must tell.                       
Visions of Mickey Mouse                                     
Are all over my house."                                     
"When last had you this Disney spell?"                      
                                                            
37735 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Tony Burrell             



I saw Huey doin' Louie,                                     
Until Louie was all gooey                                   
Slammed his ass                                             
Really fast;                                                
His rectum full of spooey!                                  
                                                            
37736 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Gearhart                 



Simba the lion was dreamin'                                 
About the young lioness he was creamin'.                    
As he growled in delight,                                   
He came in the night,                                       
And drenched his poor meerkat friend Timon.                 
(Disney's "The Lion King")                                  
37737 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Actaeon                  



Said Minnie to her hubby Mickey,                            
"I've a hot spot I'd like you to lickey."                   
Before her legs spread,                                     
Twixt her knees was his head,                               
Making her all slimy and stickey!"                          
                                                            
37738 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY                              



There once was a rodent named Mickey                        
Who wanted Minnie to suck on his dickey.                    
For two hours she protested,                                
Then his gland she ingested,                                
And what resulted left both of them sticky!                 
                                                            
37739 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY                              



When Minnie wore maxis, then Mickey                         
Would not get in taxis, a quickie.                          
When minis she wore,                                        
On closing the door,                                        
He'd first give her femur a hickey.                         
                                                            
37740 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Irving Superior     P8701



As Mickey and friend Minnie Mouse                           
Engaged in licentious carouse --                            
Animation was violent --                                    
The theater was silent...                                   
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
37741 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Martin Wellborn     P9001



A perverted animator namaaed Walt                           
Got fucked up on barley and malt.                           
When feeling forlorn,                                       
He'd jerk off to porn.                                      
His death brought such deeds to a halt.                     
                                                            
37742 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Jiromi                   



Said Pluto to his master Mickey                             
"Here's what to do with your dickey.                        
Shove it up my anus;                                        
No one can restrain us.                                     
C'mon, teach your dog a new tricky!"                        
                                                            
37743 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY                              



Though "guinea" is a pejorative                             
For Italian, not restorative,                               
It's sometimes still heard                                  
(Discouraging word)                                         
As in this story explorative:                               
                                                            
37744 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Chris Papa               



The "Three Pigs" sad story is old,                          
But recently, it has been retold,                           
How two of the three,                                       
Each had to flee                                            
To brick house of last pig's stronghold.                    
                                                            
37745 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Chris Papa               



The wolf puffed away at the wall,                           
While inside one pig made a call,                           
And up drove a black car                                    
With pig with cigar,                                        
Pinstriped suit, and black moustache small.                 
                                                            
37746 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Chris Papa               



He beat the wolf to a fair-thee-well,                       
Who then ran off, frightened as hell.                       
The little pigs cried                                       
Now safe on inside,                                         
To thank the dark savior so swell.                          
                                                            
37747 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Chris Papa               



"Who did us this favor so big?                              
Now cares we have none, not a fig".                         
The caller replied,                                         
"That guy there outside,                                    
Is what one would call, "Guinea Pig".                       
                                                            
37748 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Chris Papa               



Thumper is my favorite bunny;                               
I love his big feet and he's funny.                         
His motto is mine.                                          
I just love that line.                                      
I'd say that he is a honey!                                 
                                                            
37749 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Maggie                   



Do you know of his famous quote?                            
I've used it in more than one note.                         
If you can't seem to say                                    
In Thumper's sweet way,                                     
Just leave the words in your throat.                        
                                                            
37750 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Maggie                   



Since the time of Bambi's fall,                             
Thumper's mom's words hit us large and small.               
"If you've nothing nice                                     
To say in a trice,                                          
Then you should say nothing at all."                        
                                                            
37751 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Maggie                   



Who'd have thought he'd be such a stooge,                   
A rich duck with a dick that was huge.                      
But he screwed a decoy,                                     
His nephews cried, "Boy!...                                 
What an idiot is old Uncle Scrooge!"                        
                                                            
37752 MA GOOSE - MODERN - DISNEY     Jim Weaver Collection    



The Lion's allergic to brawls;                              
He's afraid of shadows on the walls.                        
Just to throw us a curve,                                   
They should cross out "The Nerve";                          
Have him sing "If I Only Had Balls!"                        
                                                            
37753 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



But since you have magical witties,                         
(Not to mention the best twat and titties!)                 
I know you'll be spunky                                     
While petting your monkey:                                  
Bewitching star of Emerald City's!                          
                                                            
37754 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ                                  



Well prepared when the cyclone came through,                
Dorothy packed a few tunes (wouldn't you?).                 
Tapes by Kansas she stowed,                                 
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road",                                
And I'm happy to say, Toto too.                             
                                                            
37755 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



"In Oz," said old Munchkin named Deats,                     
"When Dorothy walks yellow brick streets,                   
I play with my dick,                                        
While watching that chick                                   
Whose stride gives a bounce to her teats!"                  
                                                            
37756 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ                                  



I'm lost in the Kingdom of Oz                               
Where often effects preceed cause.                          
My dream world's converging                                 
With new paths emerging                                     
From endings whose start never was.                         
                                                            
37757 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Randog                   



In a bubble we saw Glinda floatin';                         
Diamond wand and a crown she's a-totin'.                    
She's a vision on high,                                     
As she floats through the sky,                              
But to look up her dress is Verboten.                       
                                                            
37758 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



"Oz is nice," Dorothy said, "But who cares?                 
I miss watching my favorite players!"                       
When the wizard was able                                    
To get games on cable,                                      
She saw Lions and Tigers and Bears!                         
                                                            
37759 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



Young Dorothy blew a great fart;                            
The force tore the whole place apart.                       
At last down she landed                                     
And found herself stranded,                                 
So hunted for dick, the young tart.                         
                                                            
37760 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



She came to a humble abode,                                 
And into it straight way she strode.                        
She found a Chinese                                         
And jumped on his knees,                                    
And Dot on that yellow prick rode.                          
                                                            
37761 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



But there little Dotty won't stay;                          
She wants for some new games to play.                       
So, flashing her titties,                                   
Its Emerald City's,                                         
The place where she fancies to stray.                       
                                                            
37762 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



She first comes across a tin man,                           
And at him she flashes her fan.                             
He's feeling ambitious,                                     
And she's so lubricious,                                    
Her can-can shows Canman he can.                            
                                                            
37763 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Here now's the sad, mournful part:                          
Old Tinnie, he hasn't a heart.                              
She screamed: "When I saw yer,                              
Shoulda knowed you're a lawyer,                             
And none of your cash, you'll impart."                      
                                                            
37764 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



So next she meets this bloke, Jack Straw,                   
Who says "Hark to me!  I am the Law!                        
And you've got no right,                                    
By day or by night,                                         
To do that 'round here any more."                           
                                                            
37765 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



"I show zero tolerance on speed;                            
Go over the limit, I'll bleed                               
You dry as a bone;                                          
Just one I'll condone:                                      
My own driver, here I'll concede."                          
                                                            
37766 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



"On drugs too, I'm strict as the pope;                      
One sniff of the weed, you've no hope.                      
Except, by the way,                                         
My own son, who one day                                     
Was exposed by the press, pushing dope.                     
                                                            
37767 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



She wishes him just 'fore she goes, a                       
Close meeting with a big bulldozer.                         
And sweetly she calls,                                      
"Don't you wish you had balls,                              
And weren't such a fuckwitted poser."                       
                                                            
37768 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Now we have Jack's brother, Willy,                          
Who groped up an underage filly.                            
The grasp of his hand                                       
Has cost him a grand.                                       
But jail?  Not a chance, don't be silly.                    
                                                            
37769 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



And now, like that lady from Riga,                          
She fancies a ride with a tiger.                            
But no-one is buyin'                                        
But one threadbare lion,                                    
With zilch rating on her sex-geiger.                        
                                                            
37770 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



This flea-bitten lion's a pain;                             
To rouse him our Dot tries in vain.                         
This impotent cat                                           
Is too lazy and fat,                                        
And resists her with mite and with mane.                    
                                                            
37771 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



And on they go, cat and young broad;                        
She spends time in fucking a horde,                         
Of dumb munchkin midgets,                                   
With very small widgets,                                    
Which leave her exceptionally bored.                        
                                                            
37772 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The wizard's reached 'midst some confusion;                 
He tells them it's all been delusion.                       
He's simply a bawd,                                         
Who's working a fraud,                                      
And all life's a total illusion.                            
                                                            
37773 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



This whole silly thing was a hoax,                          
He sends her home, after a poke.                            
She marries her brother                                     
And soon is a mother.                                       
So no more's to say.  That's all folks.                     
                                                            
37774 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Dorothy would strip off her dress,                          
In the woods when in sexual stress.                         
She'd whistle and strut,                                    
Then bend down and wave butt.                               
"Lions and tigers, Oh YES!"                                 
                                                            
37775 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Jim Weaver Collection    



As for Kansas, where Dorothy was                            
Whisked off by a whirlwind to Oz...                         
Then sad was her fate:                                      
She met Archie, our mate,                                   
And he soon talked her out of her clothes.                  
                                                            
37776 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Dorothy said to the Tin Man, "I'm trusting                  
That you won't find my preference disgusting.               
But I'll take the Wizard of Oz                              
And it's simply because                                     
Although his joint's limp, it's not rusting."               
                                                            
37777 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         MarcoM              P8307



In a fable, this odd monopode                               
Would frequently snap and explode.                          
"Don't constantly tease me;                                 
You only displease me,                                      
So please, I am not pigeon-toed!"                           
(monopode in the land of Oz?)                               
37778 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Al Willis                



In Oz land, the Tin Woodsman's mate                         
Sighed sadly, "It sure would be great                       
If you made it a point                                      
To put oil on your joint,                                   
Since your screws have been rusty of late."                 
                                                            
37779 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ                                  



Little Dorothy was crying because                           
The witch was defying the laws.                             
But the witch was all wet                                   
When she hit Dorothy's pet --                               
Which bailed out the poor Wizard of Oz.                     
                                                            
37780 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Neal Wilgus         P8409



The fabulous Wizard of Oz,                                  
Retired from business because                               
What with up-to-date science,                               
To most of his clients,                                     
He wasn't the Wizard he was.                                
                                                            
37781 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         David Stoning            



There once was a floppy scarecrow,                          
Companion to Dorothy and Toto.                              
"I'm really not vain,                                       
But I must have a brain,                                    
So its off to the Wizard I go!"                             
                                                            
37782 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Anon                     



Looking up, flying monkeys they saw,                        
Filling Dorothy's companions with awe.                      
The Scarecrow was battered                                  
And his innards scattered,                                  
To which he said, "That's the last straw!"                  
                                                            
37783 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



The Tin Man, the Girl, and the Dog                          
Met up with the Scarecrow for grog,                         
On the brick road so bumpy,                                 
They stopped for a scrumpy,                                 
On the way to the Wizard of Ogg                             
                                                            
37784 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Ericka                   



The wizard was in a foul mood.                              
He looked like for days he had brood.                       
He scowled at all four                                      
And showed them the door.                                   
For this -- the Oggettes -- they all booed.                 
                                                            
37785 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Bridget                  



On the Tin Man, I'm not really keen.                        
If you axe me, he's too squeaky-clean.                      
He's been oily in bed,                                      
And to rise, it is said,                                    
Ever since he was just a can-teen.                          
                                                            
37786 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



In a movie called Wizard of Oz,                             
Tin Man's joints and emotions were froz.                    
Till they oiled every part;                                 
He discovered his heart,                                    
And the witch who was wicked, now was.                      
                                                            
37787 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Peter Wilkins            



Twister, Toto loved playing it;                             
He thought Dorothy his sis with big tits.                   
When she did red and blue,                                  
And her ass was in view,                                    
He gave her a kiss on the slit.                             
                                                            
37788 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         MacArthur                



A reporter, Bartholomew Scotto                              
Caught Dorothy in a compromised photo                       
What was it, you wonder,                                    
Her unspeakable blunder                                     
She was caught playing twister with Toto.                   
                                                            
37789 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ                                  



It's best to leave Oz for Nantucket,                        
With broom 'twixt you legs where you stuck it;              
So fly there real fast                                      
Or you'll get a blast                                       
Of water from Dorothy's bucket!                             
                                                            
37790 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ                                  



The Witch has been having some fun;                         
Her new broomstick gets up to Mach One.                     
As she zips through the air,                                
She gets whipped by her hair,                               
So she's wearing it now in a bun.                           
                                                            
37791 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



Ruby Slippers removed from a carcass                        
Are why prospects for Dorothy look darkest.                 
But a spash in the face                                     
Puts the Witch in her place,                                
And reveals her as Imelda Marcos.                           
                                                            
37792 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ         Larry Hollister          



Watch out for that imposter Wiz,                            
He'll con you with his same ol' biz;                        
It's guaranteed certain,                                    
Behind his green curtain,                                   
He'll take you and fill you with jizz.                      
                                                            
37793 MA GOOSE - MODERN - OZ                                  



"Who diddled my daughter, sweet Rose?"                      
Shouted teacher in class.  "I suppose                       
All you lads will deny                                      
That you fingered her pie,                                  
But I think that Pinocchio nose."                           
                                                            
37794 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Peter Wilkins            



Pinocchio's one of the guys --                              
But Rose thinks that he is a prize!                         
She likes his nose,                                         
His pecs and his hose,                                      
But mostly she likes all his lies.                          
                                                            
37795 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Marty                    



A fetishist whore from Duluth                               
Who rode upon noses (uncouth!),                             
Met up with a bloke, ya know,                               
Whose name was Pinnochio,                                   
But she hates it when he tells the truth.                   
                                                            
37796 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Anon                     



Here's a story you kids will enjoy,                         
'Bout a mischievous hand-crafted toy,                       
Whose nose would extend                                     
When he lied, to no end.                                    
When he stopped, he became a real boy.                      
                                                            
37797 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Anon                     



To be real was Pinocchio's desire;                          
Of this dream he never did tire.                            
But he knew he was wood,                                    
When he bashed on his pud,                                  
And set his poor pecker on fire.                            
                                                            
37798 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Anon                     



Gepetto's house maid it is said,                            
Took Pinocchio into her bed.                                
And as he lay in repose,                                    
She sat on his nose,                                        
And said, "Tell some lies, wooden head!"                    
                                                            
37799 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  John Chastaine           



Pinocchio's girl said, "I figure                            
To get my hand on your trigger.                             
For you have got wood,                                      
Which is really good,                                       
But now can you make it get bigger?                         
                                                            
37800 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Tony Burrell             



An ingenious old fucker named Hunt                          
Refined the Pinocchio stunt.                                
From behind on a lass,                                      
With his nose up her ass,                                   
He extended his tongue up her cunt.                         
                                                            
37801 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Albin Chaplin   3024-0829



The old woodcarver's helper, Miss Fry,                      
Took Pinocchio aside on the sly,                            
Then she took off her clothes,                              
And she stuffed his big nose                                
In her cunt, and said, "Now tell a lie!"                    
                                                            
37802 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Albin Chaplin   3024-0697



Pinocchio, the puppet of yore                               
Could please all his ladies galore,                         
'Cause unlike what's been heard,                            
When he spoke a false word,                                 
It's not his nose that grew one inch or more.               
                                                            
37803 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Pilar                    



Pinocchio was offered cash                                  
To fuck a poor girl with a rash.                            
She'd have been better off                                  
To do her own trough;                                       
The damned puppet, he splintered her gash.                  
                                                            
37804 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  That Guy                 



Those splinters were painful by rights;                     
She suffered for several nights.                            
But Pinocch' had it worse                                   
For he suffered the curse                                   
Of a serious case of termites.                              
                                                            
37805 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Kasodrac                 



Pinocchio has lust and depravity,                           
But his situation has gravity.                              
Though he makes real wood                                   
Like a young fellow should,                                 
His girl friend, alas, has no cavity.                       
                                                            
37806 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Tony Burrell             



Said Gepetto to his puppet Pinocchio,                       
"How would you like to fly to Tokyo?                        
It's all up to you;                                         
All you've to do                                            
Is give my big dick a strokio!"                             
                                                            
37807 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO                           



Pinocchio gave his ring                                     
To the sweet China doll, Mae Ling.                          
With a great deal of huffing,                               
He poked through her stuffing;                              
For her, love was a splintered thing.                       
                                                            
37808 MA GOOSE - MODERN - PINOCCHIO  Jim Weaver Collection    



"Oh bother!" said Winnie the Pooh,                          
While running like hell for the loo;                        
"It can't be the hunny                                      
That's making me runny;                                     
It must be young Christopher's goo.                         
                                                            
37809 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Peter Wilkins            



Said Christopher: "There's not an ounce                     
Of truth in that tale; when I pounce                        
On animals furry,                                           
I'm oft in a hurry,                                         
And Tigger's the one that I bounce."                        
                                                            
37810 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Peter Wilkins            



I'd like poking Young Roo with my missle                    
And for Kanga, I'd come if she'd whistle.                   
But what sight is a bummer,                                 
A miserable hummer                                          
Is Eeyore with a mouthful of thistle.                       
                                                            
37811 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Scott C                  



Chris Robin and that ol' Pooh Bear                          
Have many adventures to share.                              
They visit Eeyore                                           
Then Piglet and more                                        
Friends in the woods that live there.                       
                                                            
37812 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR                           



Hush, hush, and whisper who dares,                          
Christopher Robin's not saying his prayers.                 
There's a cat on the mat.                                   
Hey, just fancy that!                                       
And there's blood all the way up the stairs.                
                                                            
37813 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Friar                    



"Oh, Bother!"  Said Winnie the Pooh,                        
"My face is all covered with goo!                           
I said I would swallow,                                     
But you didn't follow                                       
Directions, young Chris Robin, you!"                        
                                                            
37814 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR                           



For the past seven years or so, Hugh                        
Has dreamed about Winnie-the-Pooh.                          
He will wake with a scream;                                 
Dreams no other dream;                                      
Just think, this could happen to you.                       
                                                            
37815 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Henry Fitzgerald         



Said Piglet to Kanga the 'roo,                              
"I'm achin' to give you a screw."                           
"Not now, for I'm knobbin'                                  
Young Christopher Robin,"                                   
Said Kanga, "Try Winnie the Pooh."                          
                                                            
37816 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Peter Wilkins            



Pooh got himself stuck in a hole.                           
Least ways so the story is told.                            
But a tale that I heard,                                    
From a foul little bird                                     
Is the cause was the KY was old!                            
                                                            
37817 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Pjzabruin                



Young Christopher Robin screwed Alice                       
Outside in the grounds of Buck Palace.                      
Along came the Queen                                        
Feeling far from serene,                                    
And said angrily, "Orf with his phallus!"                   
                                                            
37818 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR                           



While Christopher Robin was saying                          
His prayers and Eyore was braying,                          
'Bout eating the grass,                                     
I found his fine ass                                        
And made him a neighbor for laying.                         
                                                            
37819 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR                           



Oh yes, ol' poor Pooh Bear;                                 
Wonder how he got that name there?                          
His mom took a dump                                         
Out her bearly bare rump,                                   
And left without giving a care.                             
                                                            
37820 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR                           



Pooh hung with Christopher Robin,                           
Who left the forest one day just a hoppin'.                 
Pooh's face wore a grin                                     
As he wiped off his chin,                                   
For it was Robin's nob he'd been slobbin'.                  
                                                            
37821 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Anon                     



Chris Robin and that wicked Pooh Bear                       
Had many a humping and share                                
Of their old vaseline pot,                                  
With the friends they have got                              
In the woods, and who also screw there.                     
                                                            
37822 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR                           



When a boy, there was nothing so fair                       
As Winnie-the-Pooh in his lair.                             
I'd give all my money                                       
For a pot of his honey,                                     
So I second childhood could bear.                           
                                                            
37823 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Warrick Elrod            



"Oh Piglet," said Winnie the Pooh,                          
"Our Tigger's come down with the flu.                       
Then he started to hop                                      
And he just couldn't stop --                                
I think it's spring fever, don't you?"                      
                                                            
37824 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  S. M. Polonsky           



A little bear named Winnie-the-Pooh                         
One summer day had nothing to do.                           
So he took his money                                        
And bought him some honey                                   
But before he got home, he was through.                     
                                                            
37825 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Warrick Elrod            



Of Winnie-the-Pooh I'm a fan                                
And I read all his stuff when I can.                        
But unless I have missed her,                               
There's surely no sister;                                   
I thought I knew most of the clan.                          
                                                            
37826 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Peter W                  



Besides good old Winnie-the-Pooh,                           
There is Rabbit and Kanga and Roo,                          
Making eight, so I figure                                   
With Eeyore and Tigger                                      
And Piglet and Owl. Who are you?                            
                                                            
37827 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Peter W                  



But of course old Pooh Bear had a sister!                   
As a lad I caressed her and ...kissed her.                  
Till I learned girls were better --                         
If nothing else, wetter --                                  
(Straw's scratchy; I can't say I missed her).               
                                                            
37828 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  John Miller              



Whenever I needed, I fetched her                            
While Tigger would chase till he ketched her,               
And Eeyore turned gloomy                                    
When she got too roomy                                      
After Tigger and I had both stretched her.                  
                                                            
37829 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  John Miller              



And of course there was Christopher Robin,                  
Good-natured and seldom seen sobbin',                       
After Pooh smeared her cunny                                
With warm gooey honey,                                      
To help slip his hard little knob in.                       
                                                            
37830 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  John Miller              



The Owl had her up in his tree                              
In a foursome with Rabbit and me,                           
And I won't say what Roo                                    
One time tried to do                                        
With Piglet before he was three.                            
                                                            
37831 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  John Miller              



(A. A. Milne, I truly feel bad                              
After writing that stuff; what a cad!                       
But I'm glad that I did                                     
What I did as a kid:                                        
'Cause I WAS quite a perverted lad!)                        
                                                            
37832 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  John Miller              



It was bound to happen, they say;                           
Pooh was always too happy and gay.                          
Now Piglet is dead,                                         
Tigger shot in the head,                                    
'Cause Winnie went postal today.                            
                                                            
37833 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Mirrorq                  



Owl said to Kanga, "It's true,                              
It couldn't have been Rabbit or Roo.                        
It's Eeyore, I figure,                                      
With Piglet and Tigger,                                     
Who murdered poor Winnie-the-Pooh."                         
                                                            
37834 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POOH BEAR  Peter Wilkins       P9806



He's Popeye the backdoor man.                               
He'll enter when ever he can.                               
He likes the boys best                                      
And eschews all the rest.                                   
He's Popeye the backdoor man    (toot toot)                 
                                                            
37835 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jim Weaver Collection    



Good ol' Popeye, the nautical man.                          
Gobbles green stuf right out of the can;                    
But Olive Oyl's silly                                       
'Bout Big Bluto's willy;                                    
For biceps she don't give a damn!                           
                                                            
37836 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE                              



Each time Bluto left from the shore,                        
Popeye'd get so irritably sore.                             
What was the gist?                                          
Why'd Popeye get pissed?                                    
Bluto'd gone to Mt Olive once more.                         
                                                            
37837 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jon Gearhart             



Good old Popeye, the nautical man,                          
Gobbles green stuff right from the can;                     
But Olive Oyl's silly                                       
'Bout big Bluto's willie;                                   
For biceps she don't give a damn!                           
                                                            
37838 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Allen Wolverton          



Feisty Popeye, the Alpha-Dog man,                           
Challenged Bluto without a game plan;                       
As the wiry old runt                                        
Said: "Buzz off; she's my cunt!"                            
About then's when the shit hit the fan!                     
                                                            
37839 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Allen Wolverton          



He popped open that can; down the hatch!                    
But that spinach still made him no match;                   
Bluto, high on hashish,                                     
Ground the runt into quiche;                                
A snack offering for sweet Olive's snatch!                  
                                                            
37840 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Allen Wolverton          



Such a gourmet delight, a la carte,                         
Drove poor Popeye from Olive Oyl's heart;                   
There in big Bluto's den;                                   
She's content; now and then,                                
Olive raises her butt, cuts a fart!                         
                                                            
37841 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Allen Wolverton          



He's Popeye the bunghole man.                               
He likes when things go to plan.                            
He starts to gyrate,                                        
When he's in the boys' gate.                                
He's Popeye the bunghole man.   (toot toot)                 
                                                            
37842 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Popeye the businessman.                                 
I fuck all my fellow man.                                   
If you've got the moolah,                                   
I'll dirty my toolah,                                       
For bunging's my option plan!   (boot scoot)                
                                                            
37843 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jim Weaver Collection    



To Olive Oyl Popeye was not                                 
As faithful as is often thought.                            
One day he embarked,                                        
To have sex with a shark,                                   
Who blew him, and took all he'd got.                        
                                                            
37844 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jim Weaver Collection    



So your brown haired and six foot three?                    
And have muscles that'd make Popeye pee,                    
As you'd last many rounds,                                  
With your 210 pounds,                                       
And Olive would be glad of your 'tree'.                     
                                                            
37845 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Popeye the poop-hole man.                               
I like it right in the can.                                 
When you get a stiffy,                                      
I'm there in a jiffy.                                       
I'm Popeye the poop-hole man.                               
                                                            
37846 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Gearhart                 



I'm Popeye the sailor man;                                  
I live in a caravan,                                        
With a hole in the middle,                                  
Where I do my piddle.                                       
I'm Popeye the Sailor man!                                  
                                                            
37847 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE                              



I'm Popeye the sailor man;                                  
I live in a garbage can.                                    
I never go swimmin                                          
With bow-legged women.                                      
I'm Popeye the sailor man.                                  
                                                            
37848 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE                              



Though Popeye had 'muskles' quite round,                    
When it came to women, I found                              
He'd tastes RECTILINEAR,                                    
Olive Oyl, thinnier,                                        
"Queen of the Toothpicks, well crowned.                     
                                                            
37849 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Chris Papa               



Popeye the sailor man,                                      
He lived in a garbage can.                                  
He turned on the gas                                        
And blew up his ass,                                        
And turbo-charged Olive Oyl's fan.                          
                                                            
37850 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jim Weaver Collection    



Sweet Pea is a mystery lad,                                 
For no one is sure who's his dad.                           
Can Olive breast feed                                       
When she's flat as a reed?                                  
Is Popeye's reed ironclad?                                  
                                                            
37851 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Magyar                   



Olive Oyl has a hunger for guys;                            
Tried Brutus and Popeye for size.                           
But she found them skimpy,                                  
So she turned to Wimpy.                                     
Who'd guess his thing won first prize?                      
                                                            
37852 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     John Miller              



Olive Oyl decided to stuff                                  
Wimpy's thing inside of her muff.                           
It stood at attention                                       
To give her injection,                                      
And she found it not to be rough.                           
                                                            
37853 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Arden                    



I'm Popeye the sailor man.                                  
A fortnight I spent on the can.                             
My trunk-butt all red,                                      
I slept in the head.                                        
Thank God Olive brought me a fan!                           
                                                            
37854 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     H Whelchel               



Popeye the sailor man,                                      
Lived on the Isle of McCan.                                 
The girls were so dirty                                     
They lifted his shirty                                      
And played with his watering can.                           
                                                            
37855 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Popeye the sailor man.                                  
This isn't real spinach, it's bran.                         
In each episode                                             
I almost explode --                                         
I fight it as hard as I can.                                
                                                            
37856 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     H WHELCHEL               



If of cartoon lore you are wise,                            
Try this mystery on for size.                               
When they ground their groins,                              
Was the fruit of Wimpy's loins,                             
Sweet Pea springing from Olive's thighs?                    
                                                            
37857 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Hungarian                



He's Randog the backdoor man;                               
He loves rooting 'round in the can.                         
When he sticks it in,                                       
He gets packing again                                       
And his date then needs lots more of bran.                  
                                                            
37858 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Jon Gearhart             



I'm Popeye the young rectum man.                            
I like my cock with a light tan.                            
Colored all over with poop                                  
From a young boy's chute,                                   
And then I lick them spic-n-span.                           
                                                            
37859 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Saint                    



When Popeye, an impotent slob,                              
Decided that he'd do the job                                
And proceeded to make                                       
A coed named Drake,                                         
She said it was rough as a cob.                             
                                                            
37860 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     A. N. Wilkins       P8409



I'm Popeye the sailor man;                                  
While at sea, my matey is Dan.                              
But a nude Olive Oyl                                        
Brings my lust to a boil,                                   
So I'll have her whenever I can!                            
                                                            
37861 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     CM                       



Though spinach makes Popeye's arms swell,                   
It puffs up his percy as well.                              
This fiercesome erection                                    
Passed Olive's inspection;                                  
To Bluto she then bade farewell.                            
                                                            
37862 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     Randog                   



That's Popeye the wanker, my man.                           
His crank's 'bout as thick as a can.                        
And why does he squint thus?                                
He's caught the strabismus                                  
While clenchin' and jerkin' his glan'.                      
                                                            
37863 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE                              



That's Popeye, the wanker, my man;                          
His crank is a thick as a can.                              
Why does he squint thus?                                    
He's caught the stabismus,                                  
While clenchin' and jerkin' his glan'.                      
                                                            
37864 MA GOOSE - MODERN - POPEYE     H                        



Old Frosty, he  wants a good lay,                           
Right here on this very fine day.                           
But that hot blow job                                       
Cost Frosty his knob;                                       
Oh damn!  It just melted away!                              
                                                            
37865 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    Azul                     



Now, Frosty is known for his snow balls;                    
An icicle down to his toe falls.                            
But in case he should party                                 
With warm, loving Marty,                                    
In minutes he'd prob'ly have no balls!                      
                                                            
37866 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN                             



Marshmellows, I thought at first glance                     
But then I was given the chance                             
To read the small tag                                       
On the little clear bag.                                    
It said: "Snowman Poop,  from Frosty's pants"               
                                                            
37867 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN                             



Shouted Frosty the Snowman, "Hooray!                        
I'm agog with excitement today!                             
And the reason, of course:                                  
A reliable source                                           
Said a snow-blower's headed this way!"                      
                                                            
37868 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN                             



Frosty loves when the temperature falls,                    
He doesn't like summer at all.                              
And he never gets laid                                      
Because he's afraid                                         
The rising heat melts his snow balls!                       
                                                            
37869 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    Kaylin                   



Frosty the Snowman, a jolly old chap,                       
Wearing his scarf and his gloves and his cap.               
But you better look out;                                    
He's been all about;                                        
He's likely to give you a dose of the clap.                 
                                                            
37870 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    Jayne                    



A snowman named Frosty Van Pelt                             
Would sleep where and whenever he felt.                     
One evening he chose                                        
To curl up on the stove                                     
And it caused the poor moron to melt.                       
                                                            
37871 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    Limb Rick                



Confucious say: Frosty made of snow                         
He likes temperature 10 below.                              
When the sun comes out                                      
You can here him shout,                                     
"I'm melting, no, no, no, no, no!"                          
                                                            
37872 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN                             



Frosty is known for his snow balls;                         
An icicle down to his toe falls,                            
But in case he should party                                 
With warm loving Marty,                                     
In minutes he'd probably have no balls.                     
                                                            
37873 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    John Miller              



There once was a snowman named Fred,                        
Who had a bad cold in the head.                             
He wished it was hot                                        
And not snowing a lot,                                      
But once it was hot, he was dead.                           
                                                            
37874 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    Cath                     



There once was a snow-woman Brigid;                         
An ice-maiden, frosty and frigid.                           
She started to melt                                         
And to drip as she felt                                     
In her ice box, Fred's icicle rigid.                        
                                                            
37875 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    Peter Wilkins            



It's been rumored this chilly activity                      
Was a scene cut from Christmas nativity.                    
For that pair made of snow                                  
Almost did make the show,                                   
But young Jesus despised promiscuity.                       
                                                            
37876 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SNOWMEN    Cath                     



That eager young actor, Dean Cain                           
Worked too hard, and was feeling the strain.                
When a friend said, "Lay Low,"                              
He replied "Well, you know,                                 
Teri Hatcher's the Lois I've lain."                         
                                                            
37877 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Larry Hollister          



Superman's honest and moral;                                
He'll save lives or settle a quarrel.                       
When he's shot, never bleeding,                             
It must be the breeding,                                    
So lets give the credit to Jor-el                           
                                                            
37878 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Larry Hollister          



Superman in his earlier days,                               
Before heroes had become the craze,                         
When his mother said, "Oy,                                  
A profession, my boy,"                                      
Got his start doing dental X-rays.                          
                                                            
37879 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Arthur Deex         P9605



A well-known reporter, Clark Kent,                          
Had a simpering, mild-mannered bent.                        
But he grabbed Lois Lane                                    
And then made it quite plain                                
What his cognomen, Superman, meant.                         
                                                            
37880 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Isaac Asimov             



Superman, who of course is a man,                           
Wonderwoman espied in a van,                                
With her legs opened wide,                                  
So he stuck his inside,                                     
Which surprised the invisible man.                          
                                                            
37881 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



So Jim Olsen the young cub reporter,                        
Having noticed Miss Lane was a sporter,                     
Dragged her into the closet,                                
Made a big sperm deposit,                                   
And when finished he tipped her the quarter.                
                                                            
37882 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Said Superman quaffing a brew,                              
To Lois, "I'm staring at you."                              
Said Ms Lane, "Must you peer                                
At my front and my rear?"                                   
"Lead knickers," he said, "I can't do."                     
                                                            
37883 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Arthur Deex         P0104



Said Superman downing a scotch,                             
And adjusting his vision a notch,                           
"My attention, my dear,                                     
Is on your brassiere -                                      
Since your lead skivvies obscure your crotch."              
                                                            
37884 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Arthur Deex         P0104



There was a girl whose mouth was quite bent                 
Out of shape by a fellow named Kent.                        
He was a shy reporter,                                      
Whose Clark Bar got shorter                                 
As he cried out, "I simply can't vent!"                     
                                                            
37885 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



This lady, who called herself Lane,                         
Cried "Superman, oh please refrain!"                        
But Mister Jim Olsen                                        
Chugged down a Molson,                                      
And said, "Let him do it again!"                            
                                                            
37886 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



Before Miss Lane could eschew it,                           
Mr Kent continued to do it.                                 
He hummed as he plumbed,                                    
But nobody comed.                                           
Said Lois, "Hey Super, you blew it."                        
                                                            
37887 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



If Clark here ain't Mister Right,                           
He's tried through the day and the night.                   
I'll find a sexual predator,                                
A prez or a senator,                                        
Or maybe my editor, White.                                  
                                                            
37888 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



Since White was too flaccid to face her,                    
He humbly decided to grace her                              
With his editor's pencil                                    
(The tip was prehensile),                                   
And fit with a jumbo eraser.                                
                                                            
37889 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



He started to probe and to dabble;                          
He played with her crotch-hairs like Scrabble.              
Then as Jimmy was hopin',                                   
She said, "Back lane is open,                               
For a carousing young rouser to rabble."                    
                                                            
37890 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



To make a short story longer,                               
The eraser got caught in her thonger.                       
When Jim came to play,                                      
He rubbed the wrong way,                                    
And gradually lost his ding-donger.                         
                                                            
37891 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



In the manner of Mr Lex Luthor,                             
I promise to tell the whole truth or                        
If I must lie,                                              
At least I will try,                                        
To be much couther than youth are.                          
                                                            
37892 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



The lesson to each manly churl                              
That wants to take Superman's girl?                         
If Lois Lane beckons,                                       
Take no sloppy seconds                                      
Or you'll live in a penis-less world.                       
                                                            
37893 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Bribelge                 



If Clark here ain't Mister Right,                           
(He's tried through the day and the night)                  
I'll find a sexual predator --                              
A prez or senator --                                        
Or maybe my editor, White.                                  
                                                            
37894 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Proud Superman from the phone booth                         
Raced skyward enroute to Duluth.                            
In a moment of jest                                         
He mooned the Mid-West.                                     
Kinky, and somewhat uncouth.                                
                                                            
37895 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Martin Wellborn     P8407



Now you've got to feel sorry for Lex.                       
With no powers or special effects,                          
Every dastardly plan                                        
From this poor crooked man,                                 
Is a brainstorm that Superman wrecks.                       
                                                            
37896 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Larry Hollister          



Clark Kent says "There isn't much news                      
Since the crooks have been stopped in their shoes.          
All this laying aroun'                                      
Is getting me down,                                         
And boy, could I sure use some cooze!"                      
                                                            
37897 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Jimmy Olsen says "How 'bout it chief?                       
I've been thinkin' 'bout raisin' a beef.                    
I know I'm just a rookie,                                   
But I could use some nookie;                                
This hard-on of mine needs relief!"                         
                                                            
37898 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Perry White says to young Olsen, "Can it,                   
If you like working here at the planet.                     
When I ask for the wit                                      
Of some-snot nosed young shit,                              
I'll check my brain in.  They can scan it!"                 
                                                            
37899 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Lois Lane says to Perry, "You tell 'em!                     
Their nuts are so full, I can smell 'em!                    
They've been trying to spear me,                            
But I won't let 'em near me!                                
You've got to do something to quell 'em!"                   
                                                            
37900 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Perry white says, "I'll raise your pay, Lois,               
If you'll lift up your skirt there and show us              
That lovely pink snatch                                     
With the small furry patch;                                 
When you get us all hard, you can blow us."                 
                                                            
37901 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Says Clark "That's a great idea, Perry.                     
Let's see if she still has her cherry.                      
Her hymen, it's possible,                                   
Has remained uncrossable,                                   
As for likely though, I'd say not very."                    
                                                            
37902 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Lois lane said "Hey, Clark fucking Kent!                    
Why don't you, Jim and Perry get bent.                      
A kiss 'tween my cheeks                                     
Is all you get, geeks.                                      
It's for Superman, this pussy's meant!"                     
                                                            
37903 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Said Clark "Allow me to appeal,"                            
Then he whipped out his pecker of steel.                    
Perry White gave a shout;                                   
Jimmy Olsen passed out;                                     
And all Lois could do was to squeal.                        
                                                            
37904 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Well it didn't take long for Miss Lane                      
To give in and relieve all their pain.                      
But she saved her best hole                                 
For the old super pole;                                     
Looks like Supermans done it again!                         
                                                            
37905 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



Now we know what made him so "Super" --                     
Ol' Clark Kent made love like a trooper!                    
He drove Lois Lane                                          
Damn nearly insane --                                       
Left her in a love-sated stupor.......                      
                                                            
37906 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN                            



As a kid, when we rode on the bus,                          
Deep questions we'd often discuss:                          
"Would it come off divine,                                  
Or just blow out her spine,                                 
If Superman did it with Lois?"                              
                                                            
37907 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   John Miller 0085         



Superman's moves are the slowest                            
When it comes to seducing Miss Lois.                        
Would this work?  Well it might,                            
"How about my crypt tonight?"                               
The reply "yes" would be apropo-est.                        
                                                            
37908 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Larry Hollister          



Though he's careful with money that's spent,                
Turns out Supermman can't pay the rent.                     
Now the poor Man of Steel                                   
Can't afford a square meal,                                 
On the salary of lowly Clark Kent.                          
                                                            
37909 MA GOOSE - MODERN - SUPERMAN   Larry Hollister          



Maybe Merry and Pippin are cuter,                           
And it's obvious Gandalf's astuter,                         
But the guy on the quest                                    
Is the one I like best.                                     
I'm becoming a real frodo-Rooter.                           
                                                            
37910 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN    Larry Hollister          



Down with Gandalf, the wizard of Shoreditch!                
He gives gals who refuse him the itch;                      
And he works his low spells                                 
On sex-shy young belles--                                   
He is really a son of a bitch!                              
                                                            
37911 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                        G1955



Once during his long wandering,                             
A hobbit found a magic ring.                                
An object quite rare                                        
And a pleasure to wear;                                     
Who knew what great woe it would bring.                     
                                                            
37912 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN    Phil T                   



An Ent-wife of five thousand years                          
Was enthralled by a Hobbit named Piers.                     
This halfling, 'tis said,                                   
Would shove in his head,                                    
And vomit while wiggling his ears.                          
                                                            
37913 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                        G2652



This tale is, (once I'm in the groove,)                     
'Bout Bunter, so foreigners who've                          
Not heard of this lad --                                    
Fat, cowardly, bad --                                       
He's known as the Owl of [the] Remove.                      
                                                            
37914 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



This owl, after pussy, once sailed                          
To sea, but the engine soon failed.                         
He drifted ashore                                           
"Oh cripes, crikey, lor',                                   
I'm lost, cast away," the fool wailed.                      
                                                            
37915 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



"I'm out in the back of beyond!"                            
But there on the beach stood a blonde.                      
He gave her a smile:                                        
"Hi, is this the Isle                                       
Of Virgins? I've a throb in my wand."                       
                                                            
37916 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



The blonde, whose bra top was well filled-o,                
Said " "No kid, until he was killed-o,                      
'Twas owned by old Tolkien,                                 
Whose penis was brolkien,                                   
Who made me a fine 'lectric dildo.                          
                                                            
37917 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



"It glowed fluorescent, was long,                           
As thick as the one on King Kong,                           
And looking quite nasal,                                    
Was named by friend Hazel,                                  
The Nose With The Luminous Dong."                           
                                                            
37918 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



Said Bunter, his voice going mumbly,                        
"I reckon you must be a Jumbly,                             
So take off your kit,                                       
And let's have a bit                                        
Of sexual rumbly-tumbly.                                    
                                                            
37919 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



She asked "Can you match dildo Hobbit?"                     
He stripped."What's your name? Mr Bobbit?                   
But that inch or two                                        
Will just have to do,                                       
My dildo's gone, Hazel did rob it."                         
                                                            
37920 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



"The old boss, the Lord of the Rongs,                       
Made me a mechanical dong.                                  
It's called Dildo Shaggins,                                 
But the battery's flagging,                                 
And I need me a man with a shlong."                         
                                                            
37921 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



So blondie then grabs Bunter's pobble,                      
But getting it in gives her trobble;                        
Gives up, starts a-whining:                                 
"Let's try sixty-nining."                                   
And both start to have a good gobble.                       
                                                            
37922 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



Just then from the edge of the channel,                     
Comes Hazel, who's fucking a spaniel,                       
Up to them she's walkien,                                   
And thus-wise is tolkien:                                   
"This dog'll do more than a man'll."                        
                                                            
37923 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



To cut then a long story short,                             
With these two our Bunter has sport.                        
They fair shag him out,                                     
But he grows far less stout,                                
And's glad that he came to this port.                       
                                                            
37924 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



The moral: If you're out a-cruising,                        
Don't practice that dumb self-abusing;                      
You'll always find totty                                    
When out on your yachty,                                    
And that stuff you'll find more amusing.                    
                                                            
37925 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN                             



I really like "Lord of the Rings."                          
In spite of the orcs, trolls, and things                    
That sneaked up in the dark,                                
Beyond Gandalf's wand's spark.                              
WOW!  Guess what the next episode brings!                   
                                                            
37926 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN    Willis Baddel            



The title's a bore, that's the thing;                       
They need one with a little more zing.                      
"Look who's Tolkein" has worth;                             
"Battlefield Middle Earth"?                                 
But I'm partial to "Dude, Where's My Ring?"                 
                                                            
37927 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TOLKEIN    Larry Hollister          



A "Good Time" to Barney and Fred,                           
Was to have Dino give 'em both head.                        
And to continue the revels,                                 
Bugger Bam Bam and Pebbles,                                 
While Wilma sucked Betty in bed!                            
                                                            
37928 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Jim Weaver Collection    



Fred, I once thought you were built                         
Like a stegosaur. Now though you wilt,                      
To raise you's much trouble;                                
I'll see Barney Rubble;                                     
He'll plunge his in up to the hilt.                         
                                                            
37929 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Frank Sfa                



You have to give Freddie his due,                           
For each time she gives him a screw,                        
The neighbors would know                                    
Because he would crow,                                      
That crappy YABBA-DABBA-DOO.                                
                                                            
37930 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Frank Sfa                



One night he gave Wilma a shock                             
And shattered his famous bed rock.                          
To get out of trouble                                       
He called Barney Rubble,                                    
To finish the job with his cock.                            
                                                            
37931 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Tiddy Ogg                



Said Betty: "Your tongue, Barney Rubble,                    
Down there is so nice, but my nub'll                        
Get sore from your play, sir,                               
Invent please, the razor,                                   
And stop shredding me with your stubble."                   
                                                            
37932 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Tiddy Ogg                



When it comes to the programs I've cursed,                  
"Barney" certainly ranks as the worst.                      
Still, the dork in the suit                                 
Must have mountains of loot.                                
I just wish I had thought of it first!                      
                                                            
37933 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Larry Hollister          



"Where's his peepee?" she wondered dismayed,                
Dressing Barney to take to first grade.                     
I explained, "He lookes neater                              
Without any peter."                                         
She replied, "Well then how's he get laid?"                 
                                                            
37934 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         John Miller 0168         



Barney, who TV created,                                     
Has urges which cannot be sated.                            
His triceratops friend                                      
Has no hole in her end,                                     
Nor does he, the show is G-rated.                           
                                                            
37935 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Actaeon                  



T-rex isn't quite the right species                         
For this creature my daughter of three sees.                
Allosaurus? Not quite,                                      
Crapodactyl sounds right,                                   
'Cause his show smells distinctly like feces.               
                                                            
37936 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Larry Hollister          



Barney, purple master of tedium,                            
Drives sane adults to delirium.                             
Spouting multi-cultural drivel,                             
He makes our brains shrivel,                                
With messages of oneness ad nauseum.                        
                                                            
37937 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV                                  



I think that I'd like Barney more                           
If he'd act like a real carnivore.                          
Munching children with relish,                              
On a rampage so hellish,                                    
It's something they'd call in the army for.                 
                                                            
37938 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Larry Hollister          



Dick Armee named Barney a fag;                              
As smooth as saluting the flag.                             
Whether slip or design,                                     
It was less than benign,                                    
And suggested his bent as a wag.                            
                                                            
37939 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Jim Weaver Collection    



On Sesame Street, it was late,                              
Burt and Ernie were concluding their date,                  
When Bert's hot erection,                                   
Spewed the Paper Clip Collection,                           
Which made Ernie fuckin' irate!                             
                                                            
37940 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Jim Weaver Collection    



A Japanese girl in a sweat shirt                            
Tripped over her feet when she met Bert.                    
Ernie then chose to say                                     
"What a wonderful day.                                      
I'm so glad that she didn't get hurt."                      
(Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street, a childrens program)    
37941 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Jim Weaver Collection    



Big Bird was playing with Snuffy...                         
Where his hairs are shorter and fluffy...                   
Strokin' with a yellow feather                              
Where ass comes together;                                   
Till his dick, like his trunk, is quite puffy.              
                                                            
37942 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         John Costaine       T9710



Jim Henson was caught in a flubber;                         
This pig he wanted to bugger.                               
So he snuck out at night,                                   
But it didn't feel right.                                   
No one likes humping foam rubber.                           
                                                            
37943 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Jim Weaver Collection    



When Porky Pig went on a date,                              
He ever so carefully ate                                    
What he was presented,                                      
And no one resented                                         
That Porky then licked the whole plate.                     
                                                            
37944 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV                                  



The roadrunner had sex on his mind                          
And soon a cute bird he did find.                           
He'd just gone "Beep beep!"                                 
And gotten in deep,                                         
When Wile E. came up from behind.                           
                                                            
37945 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Actaeon                  



Well, Sadie was surely no crone,                            
So when Homer comes in with a bone,                         
She says "Hi there, fella,                                  
This thing I won't sell ya,                                 
But I'm glad to be Homer loan."                             
                                                            
37946 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV                                  



A South Park kid named Kyle.                                
His fucked up antics make you smile.                        
If he only knew                                             
Why the creator made him a Jew,                             
Maybe he wouldn't be vile.                                  
                                                            
37947 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young stripper named Jenny.                     
And of men she did have very many.                          
Her tits tumbled out                                        
And then she did shout:                                     
"Oh my God!  They have just killed Kenny!"                  
                                                            
37948 MA GOOSE - MODERN - TV         Phil T                   



Remeber the girl named Miss Muffet                          
Who sat her ass down on a tuffet                            
And that creepy old spider,                                 
He now flies a fighter,                                     
And today blew Miss Muffet away!                            
                                                            
37949 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



Miss Muffet was once chased away                            
By a spider who moved in to stay.                           
But where did she go,                                       
Does anyone know?;                                          
And where is Miss Muffet today?                             
                                                            
37950 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Travis Brasell           



Her whereabouts is very puzzling,                           
And plentiful rumors are buzzling                           
Throughout the dominion;                                    
So what's your opinion;                                     
Do you have some notions you're nuzzling?                   
                                                            
37951 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Travis Brasell           



Her parents, of course, are concerned,                      
And they for Miss Muffet have yearned                       
For her to this day,                                        
To finish her whey                                          
And curds, so please tell what you've learned.              
                                                            
37952 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Travis Brasell           



Oh look, there she is, fast asleep,                         
Down among our old Tiddy's sheep.                           
If you don't wake her,                                      
I guess he will take her                                    
Along with her friend wee Bo Peep                           
                                                            
37953 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Tony Burrell             



Whatever is wrong with Miss Muffet                          
We cure with a poke up her tuffet;                          
But when she's asleep                                       
We go after Bo Peep,                                        
And if she's not around we just rough it.                   
                                                            
37954 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Peter Wilkins            



You remember that Little Miss Muffet,                       
The one with the tits and the tuffet?                       
I gave her my lar-                                          
Gest Havana cigar;                                          
She said, "Thanks", and proceeded to stuff it.              
                                                            
37955 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Sansuesi                 



Miss Muffit and Sadaam one day                              
Compared notes and this they did say:                       
"I know what you mean...                                    
It's just too obscene!                                      
To have all those Kurds in the way!"                        
                                                            
37956 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old camper named Muffet,                       
Who had to make do with a tuffet;                           
Groused she, "I'm a fool                                    
To squat on this stool:                                     
I like to be comfy, not rough it!"                          
                                                            
37957 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Armand E Singer       979



Little Miss Muffet sat of a tuffet,                         
Knickers all tattered and torn.                             
It wasn't the spider                                        
That sat down beside her,                                   
'Twas Little Boy Blue with a horn.                          
                                                            
37958 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Geoff Tring              



Miss Muffet loved all of her sheep                          
And rams were the ones she would keep.                      
If they were well hung,                                     
She'd tickle their bung...                                  
Oh Hell - that was little Bo-Peep.                          
                                                            
37959 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Archie                   



While eating her curds and her whey,                        
Miss Muffett was once forced to weigh                       
The impact of a spider                                      
Who had sat down beside her                                 
To frighten her off on her way.                             
                                                            
37960 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Arthur Deex         P9112



Miss Muffet's not happy today,                              
As, whilst eating her curds and her whey,                   
There came down a spider                                    
That soon got inside her,                                   
And discovered vaginal decay!                               
                                                            
37961 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Biro                     



There was a young person named Muffet,                      
Who sat spooning whey on a tuffet,                          
When a hairy arachnid,                                      
In terms coarse and hackneyed,                              
Succinctly enjoined her to stuff it.                        
                                                            
37962 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Anon                     



The inept young lass, Miss Muffet                           
Had further bad luck with her tuffet;                       
Some used-tuffet dealers                                    
Decided to steal hers,                                      
And now she must rent one or rough it.                      
                                                            
37963 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Dean Walley         P9007



There was a young maiden named Muffett                      
Who sat on a dildoform tuffett.                             
Along came a spider                                         
Who offered to ride her,                                    
But she sneered at the size of his stuffett.                
                                                            
37964 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                  G1289



Here's the true tale of Little Miss Muffet:                 
He came to the city to "tough it."                          
When an eight-legged spider                                 
Took a bar-stool beside her,                                
She told the web-spinner, "Go stuff it!"                    
                                                            
37965 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Laurence Perrine    P8701



"As for screwing," said Little Miss Muffet,                 
"I proclaim here and now that I love it.                    
I defy the authority                                        
Of the Moral Majority.                                      
They can take all their preaching and stuff it."            
                                                            
37966 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Isaac Asimov             



A neurotic young milkmaid called Muffet                     
Was seated one day on her tuffit.                           
Now a tuffit's a stool,                                     
But 'stool' is not cool,                                    
And it isn't a good rhyme for Muffet.                       
                                                            
37967 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



Miss Muffet had not worked too hard;                        
I guess it was hot in the yard.                             
She'd made only curd,                                       
Or that's what I heard.                                     
She was eating and let down her guard.                      
                                                            
37968 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



Now this handsome young spider, Arachnid,                   
Saw the seat and cute little gal kid.                       
In coming to call,                                          
He rappelled down the wall,                                 
Though he certainly had not been bid.                       
                                                            
37969 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



He spread his eight legs by her side;                       
When she saw him her eyes opened wide.                      
She thought that the spider                                 
Was hoping to ride 'er,                                     
And a spider, she could not abide.                          
                                                            
37970 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



She raced from the scene in distress,                       
Leaving curds and the whey in a mess.                       
The spider stayed calm;                                     
At the mess with no arm.                                    
He'd seen she had some on her dress.                        
                                                            
37971 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



So he chased her to old Mother Hubbard's,                   
Who went off for a stick to her cupboards.                  
She found a great rod                                       
And walloped the sod,                                       
Who with rocks she often bombards.                          
                                                            
37972 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



Now the handsome Arachnid's in court,                       
And a battle's about to be fought                           
'Twixt a good little gal                                    
With her motherly pal,                                      
And the curd-eating cad they did thwart.                    
                                                            
37973 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



A militant daughter of Muffet                               
Chose to reclaim the family tuffet.                         
The bold plan of that kid                                   
Was find the arachnid                                       
And catch it and kill it and stuff it!                      
                                                            
37974 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              J. Patrick Adams         



That old rhyme 'bout Miss Muffet, OK?                       
Simply just ain't the truth, as we say;                     
One horny Jack Spider                                       
Sat down beside her --                                      
What she ate wasn't curds, much less whey.                  
                                                            
37975 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Armand E Singer     P0102



I like being a spider, I do...                              
I'd rather have nothing in lieu                             
Of a juicy fly dinner,                                      
(I'm an expert web-spinner)                                 
Then make a Scots lass go "Boo-hoo"!                        
                                                            
37976 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



Her Muffit she fondled so gay;                              
Jack Horner, he spider at play,                             
And stuck it in fast                                        
In hopes it would last,                                     
But plum shot his curds right a whey.                       
                                                            
37977 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



Miss Muffet wasn't so little;                               
Her Tuffet was bony and brittle.                            
When along came a spider,                                   
And settled beside her,                                     
She covered the sucker with spittle.                        
                                                            
37978 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Mushroom                 



Miss Muffet wasn't so little;                               
Her Tuffet was boney and brittle.                           
When along came the spider,                                 
And settled besider her,                                    
She covered it over in spittle.                             
                                                            
37979 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



We remember sweet Little Miss Muffet                        
Who was sitting there right on her tuffet.                  
She was once heard to say                                   
As she ate curds and whey,                                  
"You can take all this garbage and stuff it."               
                                                            
37980 MA GOOSE - MUFFET              Popsicle           TP9806



Hear about little Miss Muffet,                              
That chick that sat on a tuffet?                            
Along came a spider                                         
And sat down beside her                                     
And he told her where she can stuff it.                     
                                                            
37981 MA GOOSE - MUFFET                                       



The following harrowing tale,                               
Concerning a predatory male,                                
May well cause distress                                     
To the gals here unless                                     
Her name I inscribe here in Braille.                        
                                                            
37982 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



"Now how are you going to do that?"                         
You yell," 'Cause my telly screen's flat."                  
I haven't gone bendy;                                       
I'll christen her Wendy.                                    
You'll just have to make do with that."                     
                                                            
37983 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



One evening young Wendy was playing                         
With two brats and sadly was saying:                        
"Those dicks are so small,                                  
They're no use at all.                                      
For a real man, I'd better be praying."                     
                                                            
37984 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



And such is the value of prayer,                            
That all at once, stood standing there,                     
A man, perhaps half goat,                                   
With one hell of a choat,                                   
That arose through his thick pubic hair.                    
                                                            
37985 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



This reprobate looked at the trio,                          
Said, "Come on, let's fly down to Rio.                      
The time is now ripe."                                      
Whereon Wend grabs his pipe                                 
And blows it, allegro con brio.                             
                                                            
37986 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



That pipe that before was so bendy,                         
Grows stiff at the sight of our Wendy.                      
Oh Hell!  What a drag;                                      
Cat's out of the bag.                                       
Okay, so our tart's name is Wendy.                          
                                                            
37987 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



So now that she's lost anonymity,                           
That quality, like virginity,                               
Once lost for the first                                     
Time, is never reversed,                                    
Though you wait from today to infinity.                     
                                                            
37988 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



"Those brothers of yours seem quite witless.                
For travel, I quite doubt their fitness.                    
But they'd better come,                                     
Or they'll run to your mum,                                 
And gee, I don't want any witness.                          
                                                            
37989 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



They jump in that dude's private jet;                       
Our Wendy's now horny and wet.                              
And up in the sky,                                          
She joins the Mile-High                                     
Club, on the route to Tibet.                                
                                                            
37990 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



He does though, a right turn to Cairo,                      
And meets in the souk his friend Spiro,                     
To whom he does sell                                        
Those boys into Hell,                                       
As their asses that pimp plies for hire-o.                  
                                                            
37991 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



You think that this tale's pretty sick?                     
Don't worry, revenge will come quick.                       
On a trip down the Nile,                                    
A great crocodile                                           
Chomps off that randy sod's prick.                          
                                                            
37992 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



So sans genitalia, he's ramblin',                           
Playing his pipes while he's amblin'.                       
He charms all the rats                                      
And the villager's brats,                                   
'Til he meets his demise up in Hamelin.                     
                                                            
37993 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



And what about Wendy Dar-lin?                               
The pope has forgiven her sin.                              
Her body's for hire                                         
To the Vatican choir...                                     
Wendy -- saints go marchin' in.                             
                                                            
37994 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Tiddy Ogg                



Having rid Hamlein town of its vermin,                      
And been tricked by a noddy in ermine,                      
He lured girls and boys,                                    
With his pipes pleasant noise.                              
Where they went, not a soul can determine.                  
                                                            
37995 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Ted Thompson             



In Hamlein the Pied Piper tooted                            
And into the river rats routed.                             
When the town wouldn't pay,                                 
Of children, next day,                                      
The town then became destituted.                            
                                                            
37996 MA GOOSE - PIED PIPER          Irving Superior     P9403



Forthcoming, some very mixed prose,                         
On nursery rhymes I have chose.                             
About bears and pigs,                                       
And a girl seen in wigs,                                    
And so, this is how it goes...                              
                                                            
37997 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Sandman                  



A wolf asked if he could be able                            
To join the three bears at their table.                     
But unless I'm mistaken,                                    
The chairs were all taken,                                  
And this guy was in the wrong fable!                        
                                                            
37998 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Sandman                  



So he set off in search of his tale;                        
Convinced of his task, he'd not fail.                       
Three pigs would be good,                                   
But Red Riding Hood                                         
Would he like for his dinner (with ale).                    
                                                            
37999 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Sandman                  



He went looking for a house made of straw,                  
But was amazed at what eventually he saw;                   
A lady of the night,                                        
Quite a pretty young site,                                  
Red Riding Hood had turned into a whore!                    
                                                            
38000 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Sandman                  



She prefers to be called madam or lady,                     
In a trade that is ever so shady.                           
No more does she roam,                                      
For France is her home,                                     
And she's now known simply as Sadie.                        
                                                            
38001 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Sandman                  



The wolf, he did think it his duty                          
To rescue the voluptuous beauty                             
Away from this vice,                                        
Would be very nice,                                         
And stop others from touching her booty.                    
                                                            
38002 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Sandman                  



But alas, the moment he did see her,                        
He wanted to 'know her' to free her.                        
He accepted her advances,                                   
And suggestive glaces,                                      
Now all he's got is gonorrhea.                              
                                                            
38003 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Sandman                  



To the wolf said Miss Hood, "I do fear                      
That your tongue is so long it looks queer."                
Said the wolf, "You will find                               
That it causes no bind.                                     
It is better to eat you, my dear."                          
                                                            
38004 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Al Chaplin          P0304



Little Red Riding Hood met bad luck                         
When out of the blue, the wolf struck.                      
"I will eat you, " he said,                                 
Which upset Little Red,                                     
"What's the matter, does nobody fuck?"                      
                                                            
38005 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Al Chaplin          P9702



"Whatcha doin' up there in that bed?"                       
Mama Hood one day shouted to Red.                           
"Put down that vibrator,                                    
And take these potaters                                     
To Grannie, she's got to be fed."                           
                                                            
38006 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



So Red tumbles out of her bunk;                             
Having been on the gin, she's quite drunk.                  
But her car is a-waiting,                                   
So without hesitating,                                      
She throws the spud sack in the trunk.                      
                                                            
38007 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



So she's off in her Lotus Elite,                            
And weaves her mad way down the street.                     
But the road's swaying so,                                  
And the next thing we know,                                 
A lamp post she happens to meet.                            
                                                            
38008 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



So while she just sits there and sags,                      
A cop car comes up the main drag.                           
Out gets Mister Fuzz,                                       
And the way that he does,                                   
Says "Honey, blow into this bag."                           
                                                            
38009 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



But now she's recovered her wits,                           
Pulls her bodice down, flashes her tits.                    
"Let me off with a caution,                                 
And I'll give you a portion,"                               
Grabs his dick, "Yeah, I bet this thing fits."              
                                                            
38010 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



So off she goes to the outback,                             
To her granny's old tumbledown shack,                       
On an erratic route,                                        
With the cop in pursuit,                                    
Till she stops and removes the old sack.                    
                                                            
38011 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



"That don't look like spuds in that stash,"                 
Says the cop. "Yes it is - Instant mash",                   
Says Red, very canny,                                       
'Cause she knows dear old granny,                           
Is a dealer, and the sack's full of hash.                   
                                                            
38012 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



So Officer Wolf and young Red,                              
Go inside, but there's no-one in bed.                       
For granny's no fool,                                       
And keeping her cool,                                       
Out the back door she has fled.                             
                                                            
38013 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



"Get your kit off then, big boy," says Red.                 
"We'll have fun on old granny's big bed."                   
And after a space                                           
In Red's panties of lace,                                   
That cop like an eagle is spread.                           
                                                            
38014 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



Whilst high above up on the roof,                           
A video camera gives proof                                  
Of couplings lascivious,                                    
Which he thinks are so frivolous,                           
Which will compromise Officer Wolf.                         
                                                            
38015 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



Now Red and her granny are fair,                            
They give him a reasonable share,                           
Of their profits illicit.                                   
But the threat is implicit,                                 
Bent coppers must act with due care.                        
                                                            
38016 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



So the moral: as usual, man's penis                         
Seduced by the sweet mound of Venus,                        
From time beyond measure,                                   
For a few minutes pleasure,                                 
A gal makes a fool of a genius.                             
                                                            
38017 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



Now I stress that I'm just the reporter,                    
In this saga of gran and grand daughter.                    
And if you're offered hash                                  
For a wad of hard cash,                                     
I can only say you didn't oughter.                          
                                                            
38018 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Tiddy Ogg                



The Wolf caught Little Red where she skipped.               
"Gonna rape you!" he joyfully quipped.                      
"Nuh-uh," said our Red,                                     
"You'll eat me instead,                                     
In this limerick, you follow the script!"                   
                                                            
38019 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          John Miller 0109         



Once Little Red Riding Hood said                            
"As my Granny's sick and in bed,                            
With some nasty flu,                                        
I'll visit her to                                           
Make certain the old bat isn't dead!                        
                                                            
38020 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Marlene Lewis            



But Little Red's motives aren't pure;                       
She had heard of Sir Wolf's great allure.                   
So, hot for his bod,                                        
The wood's path she trod,                                   
Just hoping he'd find her for sure.                         
                                                            
38021 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Marlene Lewis            



Say, didn't we start out this day                           
With you in bed, swollen this way?                          
If I'm a good                                               
Red Riding Hood,                                            
Will the Big Bad Wolf let me stay?                          
                                                            
38022 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the wolf to Miss Hood, "It's a bore,                   
But I'll just have to eat you -- what gore!"                
"Damn it" (stamping her feet),                              
She exclaimed, "Eat, eat, eat!                              
Doesn't anyone fuck any more?"                              
                                                            
38023 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Ward Marden 0002    P9702



When the wolf told her what lay in store,                   
Red Riding Hood let out a roar:                             
"You're planning to eat me?                                 
That's no way to treat me! --                               
Don't wolves ever fuck anymore?"                            
                                                            
38024 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Norm Storer         P9806



Little Red Riding Hood, nee Mame Krause,                    
Dressed in Cardinal cape and pink blouse,                   
Gave the brave Woodsman hell,                               
When he smote with death knell,                             
Villian Wolf.  She screamed, "Not in the house."            
                                                            
38025 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



While walking to Granny's she found 'im,                    
And went off in the woods to pound 'im.                     
Sir Wolf made her cream                                     
More than she'd ever dreamed,                               
And her tight virgin hole did astound 'im.                  
                                                            
38026 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING                                   



She looked at Sir Wolf in surprise                          
She swooned at his great big brown eyes                     
But the thing she liked best                                
[And what really impressed]                                 
Was that tongue of such monsterous size                     
                                                            
38027 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING                                   



"I think it is clear," Sir Wolf said                        
"The women adore me in bed.                                 
I've heard of the bard                                      
Pete and his yard                                           
But they'd rather I eat 'em instead!"                       
                                                            
38028 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING                                   



Said Red Riding Hood, "Really my dear!"                     
As she tossed the wolf out on his ear,                      
"You just want to eat me,                                   
But that's no way to treat me!                              
Doesn't anyone fuck around here?"                           
                                                            
38029 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Robin K. Willoughby P8701



Through the woods young Red Riding Hood skipped,            
Till the wolf in his jaws had her gripped.                  
"Now I'll fuck you," he said.                               
"Nothing doing," said Red,                                  
"Just eat me and stick to the script."                      
                                                            
38030 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Bob Giandomenico    P8801



"Hmmm, you taste so good."                                  
Said the wolf to Red Riding Hood.                           
But Red Riding Hood said.                                   
As she gave the wolf head,                                  
"Eat!  Eat!  Eat!  I'd just like to fuck if we could!"      
                                                            
38031 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Limberick                



A virginal maiden named Hood                                
Met a flashy young wolf in the wood,                        
Though she'd said she would die                             
Undefiled, ere comply,                                      
She gave in when she saw how things stood.                  
                                                            
38032 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING                                   



Look out, Little Red Riding-Hood!                           
The Big Bad Wolf's up to no good --                         
He gobbles old crones,                                      
And he'll jump your bones,                                  
So stay the hell out of the woods!                          
                                                            
38033 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Robin K. Willoughby P8701



There once was a girl with red hoods,                       
Took goodies to Granny through woods.                       
Wolf took Granny's place,                                   
But she knew that face                                      
Wasn't Granny's and was simply BAD GOODS!                   
                                                            
38034 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Lois Walker              



The wolf, disguised in grandma's gown,                      
Had followed Red when she left town.                        
With motives corrupt                                        
"I'll now eat her up,                                       
But first," he drooled, "I'll eat her down."                
                                                            
38035 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Irving Superior     P8701



That Little Red Riding Hood slut                            
Needed a dick up her butt.                                  
When the wolf had her anally,                               
She moaned so insane-ally,                                  
Like some kind of fairy-tale nut!                           
                                                            
38036 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Pretty Grimm             



The wolf did a kind of a jig,                               
And dressed himself up in a wig.                            
Red Riding Hood said,                                       
When he'd got her to bed,                                   
"What you've got just seems awfully big."                   
                                                            
38037 MA GOOSE - RED RIDING          Silvia S Crockett   P0104



Snow White is the fairest I've seen,"                       
The wall mirror said to the queen.                          
But an apple one day,                                       
Put poor Snow White away,                                   
Till the prince kissed her back into being!                 
                                                            
38038 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Lois Walker              



In the fabulous land they call Disney,                      
There's a dwarf who's all shriveled and wizney,             
'Cause from morning till night                              
He's out making snow White --                               
He's a lucky old ding-a-ling, isney?                        
                                                            
38039 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Hugh Oliver         A019C



A fairy tale that's called Snow White,                      
Never hid her fair limbs from dwarf's sight.                
So the buxom young maid --                                  
Though too big to be laid --                                
Got as oft Seven Up as she might.                           
                                                            
38040 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Marnix van Winkeln       



Six dwarfs strolled up to the mine,                         
But Grumpy just bided his time.                             
He had serious lust                                         
For Snow White's fair bust,                                 
And that will make a fine nursery rhyme.                    
                                                            
38041 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          John Henry               



Snow White told him, "Bugger off, Pappy;                    
Your tool is too old, knarled, and crappy.                  
Go back to your work,                                       
You miserable jerk,                                         
While I lie her feeling Happy."                             
                                                            
38042 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Snow White was a bit of a whore,                            
She'd do it with all seven dwarves.                         
Straight, anal, or head;                                    
Even eight in a bed,                                        
On the sofa, the table, or floor.                           
                                                            
38043 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



With seven dwarves she shacked up,                          
One dwarf each night got it up.                             
Dopey wasn't too bright,                                    
But he'd do it all night,                                   
As he wasn't to dopey to fuck.                              
                                                            
38044 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Even Bashful wasn't too shy,                                
And got quite a gleam in his eye.                           
All week he mined gems,                                     
Till his turn came again,                                   
The following Saturday night.                               
                                                            
38045 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



On Sunday night Snow White had Doc,                         
With huge disproportionate cock.                            
For the rest of the week                                    
He did it with sheep,                                       
But preferred her to shagging the flock.                    
                                                            
38046 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



The following day she got Grumpy,                           
His turn came around every Monday.                          
And just for that while,                                    
He broke into a smile,                                      
Not grumpy while having a hump, eh?                         
                                                            
38047 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



She found it especially pleasing                            
When she was shagging with Sneezy.                          
He coughed and he sniffled                                  
And his beard really tickled,                               
But she wasn't deterred by his wheezing.                    
                                                            
38048 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Sleepy was a narcoleptic,                                   
Shagging sent him cataleptic.                               
Snow White asked for more                                   
But Sleepy just snored,                                     
Or fainted when things got too hectic.                      
                                                            
38049 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Happy was good for a laugh;                                 
Missed her cunt and entered her ass.                        
He attacked from behind,                                    
But she didn't mind,                                        
As long as he gave her full blast.                          
                                                            
38050 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



She thought seven-up was alright,                           
That is all seven dwarves up Snow White.                    
Night time or day,                                          
She'd do it this way;                                       
All at once, or one at a time.                              
                                                            
38051 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Though the stench was enough to kill ya',                   
They also enjoyed necrophilia.                              
All the hugging and kissing                                 
And foreplay was missing,                                   
And no qualms about if they'd fulfill her.                  
                                                            
38052 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



It was the best way they could have her,                    
As she lay inert like a cadaver.                            
On her back or her front,                                   
Us mouth, anus, or cunt,                                    
With none of the warm-up palaver.                           
                                                            
38053 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



They built a glass case, put her in,                        
But took her out every night just for sin.                  
Place her down on her bed,                                  
Where she lay as if dead,                                   
Then the seven would queue to get in.                       
                                                            
38054 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



One day as she lay in her case,                             
Prince Charming he rode through that place.                 
The chap held his breath                                    
And awoke her from death,                                   
With a kiss on her cunt, not her face.                      
                                                            
38055 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Prince Charming said "I am not braggin',                    
But if you want a chap good at shaggin',                    
I'm heir to a throne,                                       
If I don't get disowned,                                    
'Cause I'm fed up with hunting down dragon."                
                                                            
38056 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



When by his kiss she was wakened,                           
The dwarves knew they would be forsaken.                    
It wasn't their size                                        
That lost them their prize,                                 
Nor the fact they were tired of her nagging.                
                                                            
38057 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Snow White would be missed, she was sure,                   
Though she still felt peculiarly sore.                      
Then it entered her head                                    
That while she lay almost dead,                             
Those buggers had come back for more.                       
                                                            
38058 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



The Prince took her back to his castle;                     
She thought he was a daft asshole.                          
He'd fly into rages                                         
And bugger his pages,                                       
And his dick, unlike Doc's, wasn't vast, Oh!                
                                                            
38059 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Although they'd a mine full of gems,                        
Snow White one day would leave them.                        
That ambitious bitch                                        
Wanted land, marriage and riches,                           
Instead of seven small horny men.                           
                                                            
38060 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



When she left them, Doc started to weep,                    
As the prince carried her off to his keep.                  
Said Doc, "Bloody Hell!                                     
I admit she was swell,                                      
But it's Hi Ho and back to my sheep."                       
                                                            
38061 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Said Bashful "I'll miss her I fear,                         
It's sad not having her here.                               
Call me a pervert,                                          
I must now revert                                           
And shag squirrels and bugger the deer."                    
                                                            
38062 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Dopey looked forlorn and glum,                              
And said nothing other than "Um."                           
Her aroma still lingered                                    
On all of his fingers,                                      
So he stood there and sucked at his thumb.                  
                                                            
38063 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Sneezy just broke down and wept,                            
Sleepy -- he passed out and slept.                          
Happy started to frown,                                     
Feeling quite sad and down,                                 
And Grumpy looked pissed off at best.                       
                                                            
38064 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



The seven dwarves don't have Snow White,                    
To set their libido alight.                                 
The prince kissed her and charmed                           
Her right out of their arms.                                
So they bugger each other at night.                         
                                                            
38065 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Tiddy Ogg                



Snow White took on seven small men                          
Who continued their love even when                          
After entering coma,                                        
She gained an aroma                                         
That was one on a scale one to ten.                         
                                                            
38066 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          John Miller 0111         



They built a glass case, put her in;                        
Took her out now and then, just for sin.                    
But from death she arose                                    
When (with cold in his nose)                                
Prince Charming embraced her within.                        
                                                            
38067 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          John Miller 0111a        



She left them, all seven, to weep,                          
When the Prince took her off to his keep.                   
But said Grumpy, "Oh Hell,                                  
I admit it was swell,                                       
But now 'Hi Ho', and back to the sheep."                    
                                                            
38068 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          John Miller 0111b        



There was a young princess, Snow White,                     
Who awoke with a terrible fright.                           
She was fearful and shaken;                                 
She shouldn't have taken                                    
That seven up, last thing at night.                         
                                                            
38069 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Gerard Benson            



Philandering a pixie is banned,                             
But if you must have sex in the sand,                       
Try arousing Snow White                                     
From her slumber tonight;                                   
Then you're sure to get your peter panned!                  
                                                            
38070 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Snow White was a lucky old bitch;                           
Had dwarves to scratch every itch.                          
Sinful and Naughty                                          
And Wetty and Hotty;                                        
And when they got tired, they would switch.                 
                                                            
38071 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Now none was too largely endowed,                           
But Snow carried on being wowed.                            
Which proves the chatter                                    
That size doesn't matter,                                   
Except, of course, when you are cowed.                      
                                                            
38072 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Said the dwarfs to their friend Snow White,                 
"We want to gang bang you tonight!"                         
(Said she) "Well, let's see,                                
Seven of you, one of me!                                    
I guess it would be alright!"                               
                                                            
38073 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Happy was the first to begin;                               
He stuck his dick in with a grin.                           
He stroked in and out,                                      
Finally did spout,                                          
And shot his load all over her chin!                        
                                                            
38074 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



The next dwarf in line was Doc;                             
She then gently straddled his cock.                         
Up and down she did bounce,                                 
Then swallowed each ounce                                   
Of his hot, molten, gelatinous schlock!                     
                                                            
38075 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



The third dwarf to bang her was Sneezy;                     
Needless to say, conditions were breezy.                    
In his own funny way                                        
He was a good lay;                                          
But, when finished, he was tired and wheezy.                
                                                            
38076 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



The fourth dwarf to mount her was Grumpy;                   
Who was just in the mood for a humpy.                       
He did her with style,                                      
On her face put a smile,                                    
And covered her with jism that was lumpy.                   
                                                            
38077 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



The next one to fuck her was Bashful,                       
Who claims he was brought up in Nashville.                  
When she saw his bit,                                       
She damn near did shit,                                     
And knew she was in for a gashful!                          
                                                            
38078 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



The sixth dwarf to pork her was Sleepy,                     
But first he had to go peepy.                               
Then performed a great stunt;                               
Licked her ass, fucked her cunt.                            
The whole thing was really quite creepy!                    
                                                            
38079 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Dopey was the last dwarf to do her,                         
But he had no clue how to screw her.                        
He got coaching from Doc                                    
In control of his cock,                                     
But he damn near stuck it right through her!                
                                                            
38080 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Snow white was sore and content                             
After being fucked by seven small gents.                    
But when she arose                                          
To put on her clothes,                                      
She was all alone, they all went!                           
                                                            
38081 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Every cloud has a silvery streak,                           
When the mirror so plainly doth speak,                      
That Snow White is most cute.                               
Her survival is moot...                                     
But forget castle scrubbing technique.                      
                                                            
38082 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Prof M-G           TP9806



The Prince, with an ardor intense,                          
Kept assailing young Snow White's defense.                  
When at last she was racked,                                
He found her intact,                                        
Though her cherry had seven small dents.                    
                                                            
38083 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



These seven midgets stood behind                            
Me in the unemployment line,                                
And sadly sang, "Heigh Ho,                                  
It's not to work we go."                                    
And when I asked, said "Walt is fine."                      
                                                            
38084 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Irving Superior     P8701



Snow White had two dwarves up her nose,                     
With a pair in her ears and the hose                        
Of the fifth in her mouth,                                  
And the others down south;                                  
So that covers all holes I suppose.                         
                                                            
38085 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



Among dwarfs who serviced Snow White                        
Was one who was not very bright.                            
But when it was done,                                       
The SOMNOLENT one                                           
Got cheated and slept through the night.                    
                                                            
38086 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Chris Papa               



Handsome and Beauty are drunk;                              
Beauty sure smells like a skunk.                            
In a casket of glass,                                       
She's been sweatin' her ass                                 
Off.  She needs some soap and a dunk.                       
                                                            
38087 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm one of just seven small men,                            
Who kept a dead maid in our den.                            
This quail under glass                                      
Was a poor piece of ass,                                    
But I had her again and again!                              
                                                            
38088 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE                                   



"Shall I kiss this sleeping young lass,                     
Or else let the next Prince who'll pass?                    
Though pretty is she,                                       
What's bothering me--                                       
Those seven small houseguests she has."                     
                                                            
38089 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Irving Superior     P9307



STERNUTATION, a weird name of sorts,                        
For one engageed in sneezing sports,                        
The classic is found,                                       
You you'll look around                                      
For one of Snow White's wee cohorts.                        
                                                            
38090 MA GOOSE - SNOW WHITE          Chris Papa               



One morning, a handsome young frog,                         
Was singing with joy in the bog,                            
When his song short was cut                                 
By a randy young slut,                                      
Who carried him home at a jog.                              
                                                            
38091 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



And now, her own doubts to convince,                        
She did something she's never done since.                   
That frog she now kissed;                                   
With a flash and a mist,                                    
In the loo stood an ugly old prince.                        
                                                            
38092 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



And now she has washday-red hands;                          
She's scrubbing those pots and those pans.                  
She's sweeping the foor,                                    
And acts like a whore,                                      
As the slave of that evil old man.                          
                                                            
38093 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



Now she knows that she's been a fool;                       
Should have left the frog in his pool.                      
As she washes the dishes,                                   
She fervently wishes                                        
To be a fairy astride a toads tool.                         
                                                            
38094 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



Testudinate fable we share,                                 
About an event very rare,                                   
'Bout lumbering bugger,                                     
A persistant plugger,                                       
Who always beats dawdling hare.                             
                                                            
38095 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Chris Papa               



It says race goes to slow, steady;                          
If believed, then you may be ready                          
For bridge that I sell                                      
And other deals swell,                                      
With promise of much delights, heady.                       
                                                            
38096 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Chris Papa               



Mother Hubbard in search of a bone                          
Heard Rover, her hungry dog, groan.                         
The top cupboard was bare;                                  
Not one bone in there;                                      
If there was one, it would be alone!                        
                                                            
38097 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             R F Bardsley             



Bending, she looked for a bone;                             
Lower cupboard it was the bone's home.                      
An idea got Rover                                           
While mother bent over,                                     
'Cause Rover'd a bone of his own.                           
                                                            
38098 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             R F Bardsley             



Mother Hubbard was sore for a while,                        
And scared she would bear Rover's child.                    
She thought of a doctor,                                    
But the thing that most shocked her:                        
The fact that she liked doggy style!                        
                                                            
38099 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             R F Bardsley             



Mother grew more fond of her dog,                           
Now that she'd discovered his log.                          
For hours they'd play,                                      
Until the sad day                                           
Mother Hubbard fell for a frog.                             
(those damn Frenchmen - McW)                                
38100 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             R F Bardsley             



Okay!  So it's true!  So I leap                             
At the sound of the baa of a sheep;                         
And the reason is clear,                                    
I've a yen for that dear                                    
Little girl with nice titties, Bo Peep.                     
                                                            
38101 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Peter Wilkins            



Just think, Miss Peep is thirteen;                          
I think it most awfully mean                                
Of you to crave twat                                        
Of a age you should not...                                  
An estrussy ewe's less obscene!                             
                                                            
38102 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tutta Gioia              



There once was a whore named Bo Peep,                       
Who smelled like a water-soaked sheep.                      
She didn't screw well,                                      
But once past her smell,                                    
Her price for a piece was quite cheap.                      
                                                            
38103 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Bob Birch                



Bo Peep, now, is someone I've had                           
When I was an innocent lad.                                 
But I'd much rather sleep                                   
With one of her sheep,                                      
'Cause they're free and don't smell quite so baaad.         
                                                            
38104 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Bob Birch                



Sweet Carol went to the cupboard,                           
Just like that old gal, Mother Hubbard.                     
She stooped and she bent                                    
And inside her I went,                                      
With a willie 'twas not even rubbered.                      
                                                            
38105 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Jon Gearhart             



She cooed and she giggled with glee,                        
As I ravaged her vaginally.                                 
My cock struck G-one;                                       
Come started to run,                                        
And dribbled down legs past her knee!                       
                                                            
38106 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Jon Gearhart             



Then Carol, just like Little Muffet,                        
Sat right down upon her nice duff; it                       
Looked so good that my slider                               
Popped deep inside her,                                     
Proceeding to thoroughly stuff it.                          
                                                            
38107 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Jon Gearhart             



Jack Horner sat thumbing his plum,                          
And watched as I started to hum,                            
Upon Carol's sweet                                          
And sticky pink meat.                                       
His thumb on his plum made him come.                        
                                                            
38108 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Jon Gearhart             



That Little Boy blew such a spurt,                          
While watchin my tongue deep insert.                        
Then Mary Contrary                                          
With pussy quite hairy,                                     
Came in and fucked Jack till it hurt.                       
                                                            
38109 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Jon Gearhart             



But Jack being nimble and quick,                            
Proceeded to pull out his dick                              
And tongued softly sweet                                    
On Mary's sore meat.                                        
He soothed her with every tongue flick.                     
                                                            
38110 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Jon Gearhart             



This orgy was certainly great;                              
So good that I had to relate                                
Our lovely fuck feast.                                      
'Twill soon be released                                     
On tape for just ten ninety-eight! [$10.98]                 
                                                            
38111 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Jon Gearhart             



This story, Lucinda's a wreck of                            
Some Afghan thing written a heck of                         
A long time ago,                                            
And not, you should know,                                   
A ripoff of some play by Chekhov.                           
                                                            
38112 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



Three sisters all went for a walk,                          
And did, as girls do, nowt but talk.                        
Their perambulation                                         
Thus lacked concentration.                                  
They might be in Hayle or Dundalk.                          
                                                            
38113 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



'Twere neither the former nor latter,                       
And when they at last stopped their chatter,                
Much ground had been crossed;                               
They find themselves lost,                                  
As rain on the leaves starts to patter.                     
                                                            
38114 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



As thunder roars, rain starts to pour,                      
When, though they've not seen it before,                    
They now apprehend,                                         
Around the next bend,                                       
A castle, with wide-open door.                              
                                                            
38115 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



I see, bawds, you're interest is waning.                    
I'll kindle it thus: Once they're gaining                   
Relief from the drips,                                      
Each one of them strips;                                    
Their clothes 'round the fireside are draining.             
                                                            
38116 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



Bare-footed, bare-armed and bare-faced,                     
They set out to see where they're placed.                   
So take their bare fannies                                  
To search nooks and crannies,                               
'Till all of the old joint is cased.                        
                                                            
38117 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



The place is no palace of fun.                              
They find when their searching is done,                     
No porridge, no chairs,                                     
No three grizzly bears;                                     
Each room's bare as them, except one...                     
                                                            
38118 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



And this one is locked, but the key                         
Is perched on the lintel.  The three                        
Form a pyramid, hoist                                       
One babe to the joist,                                      
Insert into lock; door swings free.                         
                                                            
38119 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



And as you'd expect in a hoary                              
Old legend like this rancid story,                          
On bed spread with chintz,                                  
Lies sleeping, a prince,                                    
Erect in his priapic glory.                                 
                                                            
38120 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



They stand there in rapt admiration,                        
So ere I resume my naration,                                
The background I've missed                                  
Of these tarts, who've been kissed                          
And more, by the men of their nation.                       
                                                            
38121 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



At least that's the case with our Goldilocks,               
The youngest in age, while old Moldipox,                    
The eldest, prefers                                         
Goats, donkeys and curs,                                    
While virginal mid-sis in Holyhocks.                        
                                                            
38122 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



So as you would guess, her I tell a                         
New twist on that thing, Cinderella.                        
For each one will sit                                       
On the pole; she who'll fit                                 
Will surely get off with that fella.                        
                                                            
38123 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



But due to her barnyard diversion,                          
Moldipox can't grip with exertion;                          
And H is too tight,                                         
But G thinks she might...                                   
"I'm coming!"'s her gleeful assertion.                      
                                                            
38124 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



The prince wakes, to joyful refrains,                       
But straight away, the pillock complains:                   
"If you'd take your eyes                                    
Away from my thighs,                                        
You'd see than I'm strapped down with chains.               
                                                            
38125 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



"And though bondage fills some with glee,                   
That, gals, is not the case with me.                        
So you'd better go                                          
To the dungeons below,                                      
And get from a well there, the key.                         
                                                            
38126 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



So off troop our trio downstairs,                           
To depths where the brave alone dares,                      
(Or if not the brave,                                       
Then the fool or the slave                                  
Of lust,) to the basement and there's...                    
                                                            
38127 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



...A well.  'Round the top they all grope,                  
And find, passing downwards, a rope.                        
With crud it's congealed,                                   
But they haul, and's revealed,                              
Not soap, nor the Pope smoking dope...                      
                                                            
38128 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



...But a bad tempered bird firmly caged.                    
From below comes a voice, most enraged:                     
"Come back with my parrot!"                                 
Then up pops a carrot-                                      
Haired giant, and soom he's engaged...                      
                                                            
38129 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



With Moldypox, who cries:  "At last!,                       
A man who can fill me.  You bast-                           
Ard, come stick it in here."                                
The others, in fear,                                        
With parrot, skedaddle, real fast.                          
                                                            
38130 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



"What use is that tattered old crow!"                       
Cries Princey, his face full of woe.                        
Thus answers the bird:                                      
"You shut up!  You turd!                                    
For I have the key, don't you know.                         
                                                            
38131 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



The Giant and M finish work,                                
And join sisters, bird, and the berk.  (??)                 
"Right folks, you all get                                   
Into a quartet,"                                            
Cries parrot, "and you shut up, jerk."                      
                                                            
38132 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



"The key, my dear boneheads, is D.                          
I'll whistle, you take it from me.                          
A chorus or two                                             
Of "What'll it do?"                                         
Should do it and then he'll be free.                        
                                                            
38133 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



Their voices rise up to the strains...                      
The resonant frequencys gained.                             
A snap and a crack;                                         
The fetters go slack,                                       
And laddo is freed from his chains.                         
                                                            
38134 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



Thus Goldie and Princey now share                           
A life ful of joy, and the pair                             
Of Moldy and Red                                            
Will spend years in bed,                                    
Which just leaves our Holyhocks spare.                      
                                                            
38135 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



The moral of what has occurred,                             
Lucinda dear, as you have heard,                            
If you don't give pleasure                                  
With your little treasure,                                  
You'll finish up getting the bird.                          
                                                            
38136 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Tiddy Ogg                



In race between tortoise and hare,                          
The bunny had hours to spare.                               
It was quite clever, it                                     
Gave birth to a LEVERET...                                  
Conceived from a former affair.                             
                                                            
38137 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Observer                 



The hair, though, miscalculated;                            
Finished the race quite belated.                            
Sitting there in the shade,                                 
Sipping cool Gatorade,                                      
Her opponent patiently waited!                              
                                                            
38138 MA GOOSE - ZSERIES             Observer                 



The bride-to-be, donning her dress,                         
Excitedly told her witness,                                 
With a glorious smile,                                      
"First comes the aisle,                                     
And then begins our happiness."                             
                                                            
38139 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Res Ipsa                 



"And then at the altar, we'll pray,                         
For conjugal bliss every day.                               
And no one need guess                                       
As to our happiness;                                        
'They're the happiest couple,' they'll say."                
                                                            
38140 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Res Ipsa                 



"Third, is to love him and more.                            
'Course some habits of his are no more.                     
He'll stop watching sports,                                 
And we'll visit resorts,                                    
And my mother he'll learn to adore.                         
                                                            
38141 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Res Ipsa                 



Said the matron, "You're a lovely bride.                    
Your love simply can't be denied.                           
The order you get?                                          
And you will not forget?"                                   
"Sure: Aisle, altar, him," she replied.                     
                                                            
38142 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Res Ipsa                 



"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim,"             
Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.                 
When I stand by the altar                                   
The groom must not falter."                                 
"Ah yes," said the bride, "Aisle, altar, hymn."             
                                                            
38143 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Casey Renn  P0204   P8702



An Athenian King took a bride                               
But was shocked that her thing was so wide.                 
She'd been open to traffic                                  
That was heavily Sapphic,                                   
And with standing-room-only inside.                         
                                                            
38144 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Thomas A. Quinine   P8308



A modest young lady named Beal,                             
Once protected herself with great zeal,                     
But when she'd been wedded,                                 
The thing that she dreaded,                                 
Was a boon of enormous appeal.                              
                                                            
38145 MARRIAGE - BRIDE                                        



A man with venereal fear,                                   
Had intercourse in his wife's ear.                          
She said, "I don't mind,                                    
Except that I find,                                         
When the telephone rings, I don't hear."                    
                                                            
38146 MARRIAGE - BRIDE                                   G0584



As she spread 'em once more in the sack,                    
A worn out young bride simpered, "Jack,                     
The back seat of the car                                    
I found more fun by far...                                  
Now I'm calloused all over my back!"                        
                                                            
38147 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Grand Prix Lim  170      



Hey, Spuddie, it's good to see you;                         
So tell us all, Kiddo, what's new.                          
Likely as not                                               
You'll soon tie the knot                                    
With Gary, congrats, here's brew!                           
                                                            
38148 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Arden                    



Why thanks, I could use a stiff drink!                      
(Among other stiff things, I should think...)               
He arrives on the morrow                                    
And I've got to borrow                                      
Some knickers to wear under this mink.                      
                                                            
38149 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Cheryl                   



You see, I've sent all my panties afar;                     
I know this might sound quite bizarre,                      
But I can't deny                                            
Any crotch-sniffing guy                                     
Who prefers my scent to caviar!                             
                                                            
38150 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Cheryl                   



I've still got your panties, you know,                      
That you sent nearly six months ago;                        
Though they're tattered and torn,                           
Now I've sniffed 'em and worn                               
'Em, they gave me a boost down below!                       
                                                            
38151 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Peter Wilkins            



The purple ones? Or was it the red?                         
Did I send them to Paris instead?                           
Now I'm all confused                                        
But still quite amused,                                     
At the thought of those drawers on your head!               
                                                            
38152 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Cheryl                   



So what will my Englishman say                              
When he finds me unclothed in this way?                     
Perhaps he'll just grin                                     
And think it's a win-win                                    
Situation, and we'll play all day.                          
                                                            
38153 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Cheryl                   



A lateral thinker said to his bride,                        
"May I take you onto one side?"                             
But she, a logician,                                        
Made sure her position                                      
Would show no 'De Bono' applied.                            
                                                            
38154 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               H Myers             T9801



A thoughtful young bride of North Lyme                      
Said, "Although sex is simply devine,                       
As I told Aloysius,                                         
Between douches and dishes,                                 
I'm in hot water most of the time."                         
                                                            
38155 MARRIAGE - BRIDE                                   G0154



"How I wept," said poor newly-wed Joan,                     
"When I found my man had to be shown                        
On very large charts,                                       
The site of all parts                                       
Of every erogenous zone."                                   
                                                            
38156 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Isaac Asimov             



With arms open wide, the groom beckoned                     
His bride to come hither, he reckoned                       
That he'd not be denied,                                    
But she tiredly implied                                     
She could not stay awake for a second.                      
                                                            
38157 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Observer                 



A lady from far Madagascar                                  
Consented to marry a Lascar.                                
Her friends thought 'twas naughty,                          
But she was past forty,                                     
And he was the first man to ask her.                        
                                                            
38158 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Linda Marsh Coll         



The bride of a banker in Iver,                              
Took on a small bet for a fiver,                            
Straight after the marriage,                                
She stripped in the carriage                                
And drove from the church like Godiva.                      
                                                            
38159 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Harold C Bibby           



Rita and Harry are to hitch;                                
Rita's a tart, and Harry is rich.                           
He thinks she is funny,                                     
And she just wants his money,                               
As half she'll get, once he's been ditched.                 
                                                            
38160 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Mushroom                 



"What sweet little ear-muffs," she cried,                   
"I'll wear them in winter, outside."                        
"Not ear-muffs," he laughed,                                
As he whanged out his shaft,                                
"They're knee-pads, my lovely sweet bride."                 
                                                            
38161 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Peter Wilkins            



While on a Carribean vacation                               
A man met a beautiful Haitian.                              
Then he put a gold band                                     
On third finger, left hand,                                 
And cut off her circulation.                                
                                                            
38162 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Observer                 



There was aa young woman from Reading,                      
Who said, "I won't screw with no wedding!"                  
To get this gal laid,                                       
I made her bridesmaid,                                      
And gave her what wifey was dreading!                       
                                                            
38163 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Frank Fazed              



"My Dear," said the Duchess of Chichester,                  
To the blushing young bride as she kissed her,              
"You have marvelous luck,                                   
He's a wonderful fuck!                                      
You can take it from me and my sister!"                     
                                                            
38164 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Pity the fellow named Cholmondeley                          
Whose bride was exceedingly colmondeley.                    
He went off to bed                                          
With the best man instead,                                  
While the bridegroom just sat around glomondeley.           
                                                            
38165 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               John                P9807



Now Tom was a natural charmer;                              
He thought easily he would disarm her,                      
With charisma flowing.                                      
But if he'd been knowing.                                   
The future, he'd have been less calmer.                     
                                                            
38166 MARRIAGE - BRIDE                                        



An elderly bride of Port Jervis,                            
Was quite understandably nervous,                           
When her apple-cheeked groom,                               
With three wives in the tomb,                               
Kept insuring her during the service.                       
                                                            
38167 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Ogden Nash          P0203



My  spinster-aunt cooked up a plan                          
To capture a man in Japan;                                  
Her plane crashed on the way,                               
But a card came today                                       
And it's signed Mrs. Orang-utan.                            
                                                            
38168 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Robin K. Willoughby P8408



An eager young bride of Lahore,                             
Found her husband a terrible bore.                          
She'd expected of him                                       
That he'd tickle her quim,                                  
But the bastard did nothing but snore.                      
                                                            
38169 MARRIAGE - BRIDE                                   G1572



A neurotic from north Tuscaloosa                            
Was afraid for his bride, lest he lose her,                 
'Cause he hadn't the strength,                              
Not to mention the length                                   
That was sine qua non to enthuse her.                       
                                                            
38170 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Keith MacMillan     A012A



How bashful and shy my new Mrs.;                            
She blushes beet-red at my krs.                             
She hasn't the heart                                        
To sneeze, burp, or fart;                                   
And denies that she poops or she prs.                       
                                                            
38171 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Emily                    



There was a young fellow of Ryde                            
Who was terribly shocked at his bride.                      
She said she was reading                                    
A book on 'Good Breeding' --                                
Which proved to be really 'Bell's Guide'.                   
                                                            
38172 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               R Davies (Bibby)    P0103



A practical fellow named Prater                             
Wed a quad amputee from Decatur.                            
The poor girl was blind,                                    
But he said, "I do find                                     
The percentage of twat is much greater."                    
                                                            
38173 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2915



There once was a bride from Kentucky                        
Who thought herself terribly lucky                          
Whenever her hubby                                          
Would play with her nubby,                                  
Instead of his rubberized ducky.                            
                                                            
38174 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Norm Storer              



A newly wed lady named Fleur                                
Demanded a luxury fur,                                      
And her cravings at night                                   
Gave her husband a fright.                                  
But he did make a good souteneur.                           
(souteneur - provider)                                      
38175 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Bill Backe-Hansen   P9205



Silly Sally, the pretty young bride,                        
Wanted to go for a ride.                                    
But not with the groom,                                     
The best man had room,                                      
So she invited herself inside.                              
                                                            
38176 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Mike Perry               



He thought "She's gotta be joking"                          
That is, till she began stroking                            
His member with pleasure                                    
And bared her treasure,                                     
Which, of course, he started poking.                        
                                                            
38177 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Mike Perry               



The groom's life was a cataclysm;                           
He had to relieve his own jism.                             
With despair he cried,                                      
"I feel like I've died,                                     
My friend stole my wife and I miss him!"                    
                                                            
38178 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Mike Perry               



Silly Sally longed to go home.                              
"No way" said her ex on the phone.                          
The dog thought "Please!                                    
I'll stop scratching my fleas,                              
Bring her home for some more doggy bone!"                   
                                                            
38179 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Mike Perry               



The groom's heart was convinced by his dick.                
And he called her back rather quick.                        
When Sally walked in,                                       
I swear old Duke grinned,                                   
Rolled over and brought her a stick!                        
                                                            
38180 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Mike Perry               



It's OK if you think me sick,                               
For this tale of a k9 prick.                                
Sally's not silly,                                          
She's proven that really...                                 
You can teach an old dog a new trick!                       
                                                            
38181 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Mike Perry               



A trim little fellow named Klaus,                           
Was as timid and meek as a mouse.                           
But he never felt fear                                      
For protection was near:                                    
His gargantuan seven foot spouse.                           
                                                            
38182 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Warrick Elrod            



Of IMPUISSANCE, the fair sex might sing.                    
Yet once she has her wedding ring                           
From an eager mate,                                         
The law will then state,                                    
She'll get half of what he might then bring.                
                                                            
38183 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Chris Papa               



She set out to hen-peck her mate                            
And keep him well off her own gate.                         
As she felt pretty chaste                                   
And would not be debased;                                   
But hers was a cock-pecked wife's fate.                     
                                                            
38184 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Bill Backe-Hansen   P9006



A new husband whom we will call Willy,                      
Picked out a present for his wife, Millie.                  
He gave her some hose,                                      
Without any toes.                                           
Millie said: "Willie, you're silly."                        
                                                            
38185 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Tom Ratliff         P0303



There was a young lady named Brandon,                       
Whose feet were to narrow to stand on.                      
So she stood on her head,                                   
'Til the day she was wed,                                   
Renowned for her reckless abandon.                          
("For my motto,"she said, "Has always been Nil desperandum."
38186 MARRIAGE - BRIDE                                        



"Oh dear," said the bride who would learn,                  
"A problem is here I discern.                               
It's a bit of a bind                                        
And it boggles the mind,                                    
For I don't know which way I should turn."                  
                                                            
38187 MARRIAGE - BRIDE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0918



It seems mail-order brides are passe;                       
Bridal candidate mixers hold sway.                          
Would-be brides their wares tout,                           
Friends of Groom pick Bride out...                          
And the rest of their lives, both can pay.                  
                                                            
38188 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Prof M-G           TP9806



A farmer took infinite pride                                
In selecting a mail order bride.                            
When she came C.O.D.                                        
He cried out, "God help me!                                 
The damned catalogue must have lied."                       
                                                            
38189 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Warrick Elrod            



Will that train ever reach Tucumcari?                       
My new love's coming in from the prairie;                   
She's a mail-order bride;                                   
(Hear she's a yard wide!)                                   
A certificate says she is cherry!                           
                                                            
38190 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



Here she comes!  While I don't do distortions,              
To detrain, she goes through some contortions.              
The car door's a bit small                                  
For my muscle-bound doll;                                   
She ain't fat;  she's of royal proportions!                 
                                                            
38191 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



She's got thunder-thighs, plus big beepers;                 
Bluish eye-gunk smeared all 'round her peepers;             
She's all muscle and bone;                                  
Purple hair, all high-tone;                                 
On the platform, folks say "Jeepers Creepers!"              
                                                            
38192 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



Her shadow is big for mid-day;                              
With a thunderous voice she does bray.                      
Says "My name it is Mae;                                    
You look sweet, boy, I'll stay!"                            
While the train puffs and chug-chugs away.                  
                                                            
38193 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



For the nuptuals, they're going hell-bent;                  
Tumcumcari's main social event.                             
For the whole month of June                                 
Wedding's in the saloon;                                    
Honeymoon is out back in a tent.                            
                                                            
38194 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



The bridesmaids, all buxom, wear red;                       
(From the whorehouse, right up overhead);                   
And my bride's wearing white;                               
(Keeps tattoos out of sight);                               
Down the aisle they come, full speed ahead!                 
                                                            
38195 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



Reverend Lockjaw stand up, wipes his snout;                 
Said, "Milady, do you take this lout?"                      
She bellows "I do!"                                         
(Splits her veil right in two);                             
Then she farts.  The best man passes out!                   
                                                            
38196 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



The reception's a madcap arena;                             
A drunk plays a quaint concertina.                          
For a grand wenier-roast,                                   
The wild crowd drinks a toast                               
To Tyrannosaur (hiccup) regina!                             
                                                            
38197 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



That popskull makes folks act like clowns;                  
All the bridesmaids rip off their red gowns.                
More than one drunken whore                                 
Stoops and pukes on the floor;                              
In the horse trough outside, on guy drowns.                 
                                                            
38198 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



Now I'm thoroughly smashed; hear Mae wail!                  
"You are coming to bed without fail!"                       
She grabs hold of my feet,                                  
Drags me off like dead meat.                                
Through the sawdust, my head leaves a trail.                
                                                            
38199 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



Nuptual bunk's not the place for a fruit;                   
Big Mac tears off my new union suit;                        
Her arms squeeze me tight,                                  
Can scarce breathe -- what a fright!                        
My bride is a powerful brute.                               
                                                            
38200 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



I've got two broken ribs; that's no laugh;                  
Plus I'm swacked, but can still plant my staff.             
Her muscular chink                                          
Makes my Big Willy think,                                   
He's been caught by a poor starving calf!                   
                                                            
38201 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



On my hands and my knees, now I creep;                      
Guess my bachelor ways I can't keep.                        
Gonna keep my new bride;                                    
(Oh Boy, what a ride!)                                      
So will anyone here take my sheep?                          
                                                            
38202 MARRIAGE - BRIDE - MAIL ORDER  Allen Wolverton          



Sun Myung Moon, with his mind-numbing forces,               
Led five thousand down blind wedding courses.               
Should they all soon repent,                                
Will his next mass event                                    
Stage their twenty-five hundred divorces?                   
                                                            
38203 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Prof M-G            T9711



Da dah and da dah will be wed --                            
The nuptual path they will tread.                           
The cash I have spent                                       
Could pay a years rent..                                    
So come drink and cry and get fed.                          
                                                            
38204 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            H WHELCHEL               



Our daughtler's wedding is on 10/31.                        
We're inviting each and every one.                          
The event is traditional                                    
And entirely volitional.                                    
Please join us as they become one.                          
                                                            
38205 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            S C Saint                



The reception is on All Saint's Day eve.                    
Requested attire, would you believe,                        
Is a costume befitting                                      
The day they're committing;                                 
Please... No attending as Adam and Eve.                     
                                                            
38206 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            S C Saint                



Now after the couple's been wed,                            
To a wacky reception they'll head.                          
Be sure your attired                                        
In costume -- required.                                     
We'll party right out of our head.                          
                                                            
38207 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Frank Fazed              



On Holloween my daughter will wed.                          
Then frolic in nuptual bed,                                 
With her Transylvanian lad                                  
And his shaft known a Vlad,                                 
The impaler, or so it's been said.                          
                                                            
38208 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Hungarian                



My daughter's getting married, you see;                     
Were so happy, her mother and me!                           
Halloween is the date                                       
She is taking a mate,                                       
It's fitting cause she's so ugly!                           
                                                            
38209 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            FB                       



When a young engaged lady of Redding                        
Called in to see some new bedding,                          
She wound up in a screw                                     
With a salesman she knew,                                   
And was almost too late for her wedding.                    
                                                            
38210 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Allan Ottley, 1974       



A girl, once a victim of rape,                              
Shunned men, but dated an ape.                              
Though he was savage and hairy,                             
They decided to marry,                                      
And their wedding, of course, caught on tape.               
                                                            
38211 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Anon                     



He was late getting out of his bed;                         
Ran to work;  Crossed the street when on red.               
To complete his day's start,                                
Both his shoes fell apart;                                  
He stopped.  'Twas the day to get wed!                      
                                                            
38212 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow named Pyle,                        
Who walked with his bride down the aisle.                   
She had with her a ball,                                    
And a chain, lock and all,                                  
But he had in his pocket a file.                            
                                                            
38213 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Albin Chaplin            



So Stanley, my friend, is now hitched,                      
And the bachelor life he has ditched.                       
It sure warms my heart,                                     
To see him get smart,                                       
With a bride who's got him bewitched.                       
                                                            
38214 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Dick Hull                



So Stan, how does it feel, old buddy?                       
Must be nice, cause your cheeks are ruddy.                  
I'm so glad that Sue                                        
Will sure not let you                                       
Turn into an old fuddy-duddy.                               
                                                            
38215 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Dick Hull                



A bolshevik, boarding in Bedfordshire,                (Beds)
Said, "I'll see that, when my son weds,                     
His bride's not in white                                    
Like a pre-Raphaelite,                                      
But robed in the reddest of reds.                           
                                                            
38216 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Harold C Bibby           



My wedding will be in grand scale.                          
Invitations are now in the mail.                            
We have two weeks to wait,                                  
Just me and my mate,                                        
But the cake is getting quite stale!                        
                                                            
38217 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Al Willis                



Manhattan's the loneliest isle,                             
But someday I'm certain that I'll                           
Find just the right miss.                                   
She'll give me a kiss                                       
Then march with me right down the aisle.                    
                                                            
38218 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Norm Storer         P9112



We watched from the old wooden pew                          
For a sign on the sole of his shoe.                         
With a hush in the air,                                     
We heard him declare                                        
Well...aah...yes I think that I do!                         
                                                            
38219 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Jim Weaver Collection    



Her eyes were all dewy with tears                           
It had taken her so many years                              
But finally a man                                           
Had taken her hand,                                         
And dashed away all of her fears                            
                                                            
38220 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Jim Weaver Collection    



In her beaded and fitted white linen                        
The new bride was constantly grinnin'.                      
Her dream had come true.                                    
Yes! Now she could screw                                    
And not feel as if she were sinnin'.                        
                                                            
38221 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Jim Weaver Collection    



The pledge was to have and to hold                          
Forever or so I've been told.                               
They'd better move fast;                                    
It likely won't last;                                       
Who's betting this marriage will fold?                      
                                                            
38222 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Birch,                       
A bride he did find in his search.                          
He appeared quite contented                                 
But in truth was demented.                                  
She was had on the steps of the church.                     
                                                            
38223 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Albin Chaplin            



I went to the wedding of Pete                               
And Marie.  It was ever so sweet.                           
It was held in a bed                                        
Room.  The usher called Ted                                 
Said, "I'll sew you, my friend, to your sheet."             
                                                            
38224 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



Western marriages last -- one or two,                       
But the rest of them fall in the loo.                       
"If it weren't for that son                                 
We conceived out of fun,                                    
I damn sure would not say 'I do!'"                          
                                                            
38225 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Lynn                     



A lustful young trapper named Capper                        
Got hitched to a dapper young flapper.                      
His assault was released                                    
Right in front of the priest,                               
For he did not have time to unwrap her.                     
                                                            
38226 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Albin Chaplin   3024-0077



A thirtyish yuppie named Sally                              
At her first political rally,                               
Got handed a note                                           
Which asked her to vote,                                    
For the candidate needing a tally.                          
                                                            
38227 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Dick Hull                



The note giver thought she was hooked,                      
And liked the way Sally had looked.                         
They chatted away                                           
And without delay,                                          
A date with her he had booked.                              
                                                            
38228 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Dick Hull                



As one date led to two and then three                       
They got more and more happy, you see.                      
So now they are wed                                         
And let it be said,                                         
That on politics they both agree!                           
                                                            
38229 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Dick Hull                



In the Spring time, the brides go to shop,                  
Spending big bucks that make daddy drop.                    
"Baby dear, it's ONE day,"                                  
All the Papas do say,                                       
But the girls just retort, "Get Hip, Pop."                  
                                                            
38230 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Grafixres                



Of old, I have heard it once said,                          
A couple would have to be wed,                              
Well-knotted and tied,                                      
Before they'd abide                                         
Together at board or in bed.                                
                                                            
38231 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            R. J. Winkler       P8405



There's a beautiful girl in Quesnel;                        
The men can't escape from her spell.                        
She's been married more times                               
Than Westminster has chimes;                                
They keep ringing the belle in Quesnel!                     
                                                            
38232 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            John E Mayhood      P0010



An impatient young bridegroom from Reading                  
Caught his foot in his mistress's bedding,                  
Tripped and fell on her teats,                              
Ripped a hole in the sheets,                                
And missed almost all of his wedding.                       
                                                            
38233 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Armand E Singer       965



A sufferagist bride from Hoboken                            
Was arrested for being outspoken.                           
When they came to "Obey..",                                 
She said, "Padre, no way!                                   
You're either mistaken or jokin'."                          
                                                            
38234 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            David Finely             



A determined young bride, Miss Salter,                      
Brought her groom to the church in a halter;                
Though onlookers stared,                                    
She simply declared,                                        
"He's not easy to lead to the altar."                       
                                                            
38235 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Armand E Singer       570



Rich old dude, girl wed in "who marries whom";              
Fancy presents fill all of one room;                        
Like silk sheets, cashmere shawl,                           
Most remarked gift of all:                                  
Was antiquated pendant to bride from the groom.             
                                                            
38236 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Esther Koch              



Young Sue was prepared to wed Walter;                       
She walked up the aisle but did falter                      
For her period was due.                                     
So Walt thrust up her flue,                                 
And he fucked her in front of the altar.                    
                                                            
38237 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Albin Chaplin   3024-0774



"Do you take this young woman ..."  "I do."                 
"And Suzanne, do you take this ..."  "Me too."              
"Well OK I pronounce                                        
That you're now man and ..."  (pounce)                      
"And permitted ..."  (bounce, bounce)  "Oh, you knew."      
                                                            
38238 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



There was a young maiden from Slough,                       
Who as soon as she'd taken her vow,                         
Had it off with her groom                                   
On the top of a tomb                                        
In the churchyard, the randy old sow.                       
                                                            
38239 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Alexander Baron          



To his bride said the nervous young groom:                  
"Girls would beg, but I never would scroom."                
She replied: "I'm a virgin,                                 
But once, Nature urgin',                                    
I worked myself off on a broom."                            
                                                            
38240 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Grand Prix Lim  346 G1562



In ancient tradition, a groom                               
And bride would jump over a broom;                          
Then after this act                                         
With vows all intact,                                       
The groom moved into the bride's womb.                      
                                                            
38241 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Travis Brasell           



A modernist preacher of Redding                             
Pioneered with a Parachute Wedding;                         
But the brides wedding gown                                 
Just wouldn't stay down;                                    
And you can't keep a cassock from spreading.                
                                                            
38242 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Morris Bishop       P8908



There was an insulting old cad                              
Who, observing how one bride was clad,                      
Remarked out of spite,                                      
"If virginity's white,                                      
That one should be constumed in plaid."                     
                                                            
38243 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Isaac Asimov             



The bride could not wait for Sir Walter;                    
Frustration had caused him to falter.                       
This was her plan;                                          
She married the Best Man                                    
Before Walter could get to the altar.                       
                                                            
38244 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Albin Chaplin            



"Oh (giggle) control yourself, Freddie,                     
Be careful, you're ripping my teddy.                        
The vicar's not through                                     
With us saying "I do,"                                      
But I do and, Oh Freddie, I'm ready!"                       
                                                            
38245 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



While she and Fred rolled on the floor,                     
The Vicar sneaked out through the door;                     
With his camera took                                        
Some pics for a book,                                       
But the proceeds all went to the poor.                      
                                                            
38246 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Marlene Lewis            



The vicar said, "What a disgrace;                           
'Tis a sacrilege here in this place.                        
But the groom was quite willing                             
And said, "It's so thrilling                                
To lie on a slab and embrace."                              
                                                            
38247 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Alexander Baron          



Best man at the wedding was Clyde;                          
He had an affair with the bride.                            
The bridesmaids were next,                                  
But they all were perplexed                                 
When he hustled the groom for a ride.                       
                                                            
38248 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Albin Chaplin   3024-0912



When her daughter got married in Bicester,                  
Her mother remarked as she kissed her,                      
"That fellow you've won                                     
Is sure to be fun,                                          
Since tea he's fucked me and your sister."                  
                                                            
38249 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY                                     



Certain pairs, who had banns called respectively,           
Were married at Whitsun, collectively;                      
Said the parson in doubt,                                   
"Let them sort themselves out."                             
They are pondering now, retrospectively.                    
                                                            
38250 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Anon              (Bibby)



Here's a tale that may make you smile,                      
'Bout a stitcher referred to as Kyle.                       
He was working away                                         
On his friend's wedding day,                                
And poked the bride as she came down the aisle.             
                                                            
38251 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY                                     



At the altar they stood side by side;                       
The groom holding the hand of his bride.                    
But his knees turned to jelly,                              
When he noticed her belly,                                  
And was kicked by a foot from inside.                       
                                                            
38252 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY                                     



The groom says his vows with a stammer,                     
Or else he is off to the slammer;                           
At the point of a gun,                                      
He will pay for his fun;                                    
That's life there in old Alabammer!                         
                                                            
38253 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY                                     



The grooms here in Bama are best;                           
They go to the altar with zest.                             
When the wedding has ended,                                 
The groom still looks splended;                             
He's handsome in his bullet-proof vest.                     
                                                            
38254 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY                                     



Before they were finally blessed,                           
Young Eva said, "Wait, here's a test.                       
Before I agree                                              
To be wedded to thee,                                       
Will you strip to your boxers and vest.                     
                                                            
38255 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



"And you," she said, pointing at Stan,                      
The lovelorn, besotted best man.                            
When both of the guys                                       
Had stripped naked (unwise),                                
Eva cried, "How pathetic!" and ran.                         
                                                            
38256 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



A charming young lady named Geoghegen                       
(Whose Christian names are less pagan),                     
Will be Mrs. Knolls,                                        
Very soon at All Souls,                                     
But the date is at present, a vague 'un.                    
                                                            
38257 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            C K Phillips Punch 1904  



There was a young lady from Reading                         
Who was constantly wetting the bedding,                     
Till her mother one day,                                    
In an insolent way,                                         
Suggested a man and a wedding.                              
                                                            
38258 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY                                G1598



A careless young woman named Brice,                         
Who forgot to insert her device,                            
Had to marry in May                                         
In a family way,                                            
And the guests at the church threw puffed rice.             
                                                            
38259 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Bob Giandomenico    P8909



It happened that Cathy and Larry                            
Were always reluctant to tarry.                             
Their wedding reception                                     
Did prove the exception                                     
For they took a full decade to marry.                       
                                                            
38260 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Maxine & Stephen         



We cut once again to St. Clyde                              
And the deafening "Here Comes The Bride".                   
But the ultimate mordant,                                   
Sforzando, discordant,                                      
Fortissimo chords now subside.                              
                                                            
38261 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



The bridegrooms are quaking in fear;                        
But the brides, Kate and Eva, appear                        
Waving brightly at Morgan                                   
Slumped over his organ,                                     
Exhausted from playing, it's clear.                         
                                                            
38262 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



The vicar emerges from under                                
The altar, his features like thunder,                       
And says to the lovers                                      
('Fore Morgan recovers)                                     
"Let no man dare put you asunder!"                          
                                                            
38263 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



"That's it?  I'm now wed?" says young Kate.                 
"But of course," says the vicar. But wait",                 
She replies "If I'm wed,                                    
Am I married to Fred                                        
Or is Joseph my nuptual mate?"                              
                                                            
38264 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



"I'm certainly not!" replies Joe,                           
"For it's Eva who sets me aglow."                           
Eva screams, "I want Fred!"                                 
To which Fred says, "I'll wed                               
Only Kate!"  But young Kate screeches "NO!"                 
                                                            
38265 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



The vicar was heard to remark                               
"Stop this argument, children.  But hark!                   
They've awakened old Morgan                                 
Now poised over his organ.                                  
Oh God!  Now he's murdering Bach!                           
                                                            
38266 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Peter Wilkins            



"What's the penalty nowadays, Maw,                          
For bigamous marriage," asked Paw.                          
Without even slowing                                        
The rate of her sewing,                                     
She answered, "Two mothers-in-law."                         
                                                            
38267 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            A. N. Wilkins       P8508



Said a sixteen year old debutante :                         
"With my beau a Great Big One I want!"                      
Her grandma fainted dead,                                   
But what she'd meant instead,                               
Was a wedding! (like in Bon Vivant).                        
                                                            
38268 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY                                     



A handsome young fellow named East                          
Met Gloria West at a feast.                                 
They loved at first sight,                                  
Were united by rite,                                        
And that is how West became East.                           
                                                            
38269 MARRIAGE - CEREMONY            Laurence Perrine    P8405



My lawyers write: "Pete, we insist                          
You withdraw post-haste from this tryst.                    
This 23rd marriage                                          
Will be a miscarriage,                                      
And brand you an old bigamist."                             
                                                            
38270 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



I was married for eleven years;                             
Got divorced this summer, my dears.                         
I've shortened my skirt                                     
And I come here to flirt.                                   
I'm hoping to get a few leers.                              
                                                            
38271 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Bonnie                   



"I'll explain it;" said barrister Pott.                     
"Alimony is certainly not                                   
Just the cost of undoing,                                   
But rather the screwing                                     
You get for the screwing you got."                          
                                                            
38272 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Pierce Evans             



"The years give you well-defined pecs,                      
With age you're much better at sex;                         
The older you get,                                          
I swear this, my pet:                                       
You're almost as good as my ex!"                            
                                                            
38273 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



There was a young man from Louth, Lincs,                    
Who married the town's local minx.                          
After errors and trials,                                    
He ran many miles,                                          
To avoid his ex-wife, his ex-jinx.                          
                                                            
38274 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Arthur Pattaffy          



When our Ted married his Sacharina,                         
He said his house couldn't be cleaner.                      
They rowed and they fought;                                 
They divorced in the court.                                 
She went back home to Argentina.                            
                                                            
38275 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Arthur Pattaffy          



The newly wed couple named Nash                             
Found out that their egos would clash.                      
Their problem was solved;                                   
The marriage dissolved,                                     
But she fucks him twice weekly, for cash!                   
                                                            
38276 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



There once was a devious Dr.,                               
Of lies was a chronic concr.;                               
But he found his divorce                                    
Was devoid of all force,                                    
When he came up against the Queen's prr.                    
                                                            
38277 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Harold C Bibby           



A penniless husband named Howe                              
Can never stay wed to one Frau;                             
Divorces are apt                                            
To keep a chap strapped --                                  
You'd think he'd have learned that by now.                  
                                                            
38278 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Armand E Singer       903



The great Jedi we called Mace Windu                         
Saw his marriage dissolve, and he knew                      
Where to find a good lawyer.                                
The attorney, named Sawyer,                                 
Said to him, "May divorce be with you."                     
                                                            
38279 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



Lady Deborah Dinwiddie Duff                                 
Of marriage had had quite enough.                           
Since she could not divorce,                                
She spooked hubby's horse,                                  
So it threw him right over a bluff.                         
                                                            
38280 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Warrick Elrod            



I'd like to buy you a drink,                                
To toast your appearance, clink-clink.                      
But three times a groom?                                    
Can't find the right womb?                                  
I know! I've been 'round that rink!                         
                                                            
38281 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             TuttaGioia               



When he asked for a quickie divorce,                        
Talked of naught else until he was hoarse,                  
Asked, "Why not?" She would rant,                           
And was most adamant--                                      
"I have no-fault insurance, of course!"                     
                                                            
38282 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Ann Gasser          P9412



The women we hear of today                                  
Won't put up with much, so they say.                        
You step out of line,                                       
They treat you like swine,                                  
And garnishee all of your pay.                              
                                                            
38283 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Armand E Singer       366



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee                                     
Is getting divorced soon, I see.                            
And the papers all claim                                    
That she'll then change her name;                           
She wants to be known as Leslie.                            
(Leslie - less Lee - McW)                                   
38284 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Tim Raptor               



Divorce me, you bastard, would you?                         
That's it, we are over and through?                         
I'll get my own back,                                       
His computer I'll hack                                      
I've written a virus for you!                               
                                                            
38285 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



Some husbands are not what one expects,                     
And not only 'cause of bad sex.                             
A God awful bore,                                           
So I ran out the door,                                      
That's why I now have me an ex.                             
                                                            
38286 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



There was a young lady named Brent,                         
Who upon a divorce was hell-bent.                           
"Life has been fine,"                                       
She said, "Sex divine!"                                     
'Til her husband got indifferent.                           
(indifferent - one word or two? - McW)                      
38287 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



If I had a girl named Delores,                              
Who closely resembled a walrus,                             
First I'd file for divorce,                                 
Then use physical force,                                    
And kick the bitch in the clitoris.                         
                                                            
38288 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Jim Weaver Collection    



A wife who eavesdropped (which was small of her)            
Heard her husband declare he loved all of her.              
She divorced him at once                                    
For the sweet little dunce                                  
Had assumed he loved someone named Oliver.                  
                                                            
38289 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Jemstone            P9911



The old romance turned sour;                                
Now the luster is off the flower.                           
They were once well-wed,                                    
But the marriage went dead,                                 
And truth got divorced from power.                          
                                                            
38290 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



The classifieds have run mo' ads,                           
Apparently from some po' dads,                              
Who've gone through divorce,                                
And lost all, of course,                                    
To wives who still squeeze their gonads.                    
                                                            
38291 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Travis Brasell           



Contesting a bitter divorce,                                
In which the man cited his horse,                           
The wife had to plead                                       
That she was in need,                                       
And he's never finished the course.                         
                                                            
38292 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



If I had stayed married, I fear,                            
Today would have been thirty years.                         
Of marital bliss?                                           
No, it, I don't miss,                                       
Not him or his wee little spear.                            
                                                            
38293 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



A fed up young fellow named Trevor                          
Decided his marriage to sever.                              
"Thirty years," said the judge                              
And from this would not budge.                              
"You must not use the knife, no not never."                 
                                                            
38294 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2819



Claire smirked and replied - "Where's the proof,            
You good-for-nothing all-time goof?                         
Dearie, you can't scare,                                    
Even a small hare,                                          
Your divorce threat is but a spoof."                        
                                                            
38295 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



My first husband -- a joker like you.                       
Cost a fortune before we were through!                      
But I smartened up --                                       
Made Two sign the pre-nup;                                  
So never will he make me blue!                              
                                                            
38296 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Kaylin                   



That rice-and-shoes day soon is passed;                     
Of happiness that is your last.                             
A rapid divorce                                             
The solution, of course.                                    
And freedom regain pretty fast.                             
                                                            
38297 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Tiddy Ogg                



Pat and Rose had a lot of ability,                          
But were low on compatability.                              
Their marriage, of course,                                  
Ended in a divorce,                                         
Which they regretted until their senility.                  
                                                            
38298 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Arthur Pattaffy          



Last night I ran into my ex;                                
She complained of not getting my checks;                    
She called me a jerk,                                       
Then we both went berserk,                                  
But we ended it up with good sex!                           
                                                            
38299 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Cap'n Bean               



The couple agreed to a scission.                            
At issue was their property's division.                     
She got the flat                                            
And of course, the cat;                                     
He got the projector television.                            
                                                            
38300 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Norm Brust               



Do you think boffing you one more time,                     
Would it really count as a crime?                           
I know we're divorced                                       
And you don't like to be forced,                            
But all you've now got was once mine.                       
                                                            
38301 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



Once I was really quite rich                                
And then I decided to hitch.                                
It ended, of course,                                        
In a court of divorce.                                      
Now my money's all gone to the bitch.                       
                                                            
38302 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Puff Adder          P0203



So many words of the day,                                   
Bring my Ex to mind right away!                             
Captious was he,                                            
So mismatched for me,                                       
"I do" should have really been "Nay!"                       
                                                            
38303 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Chris Papa               



For sixteen years I once did time,                          
But didn't commit any crime,                                
I left his dumb ass,                                        
For more greener grass, (literally)                         
And finally wised up in my prime.                           
                                                            
38304 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



A VORACIOUS satyr for sex,                                  
Sam would his poor wife perplex.                            
So when she got sore,                                       
She swore never more,                                       
Saw lawyer, and now is his "ex."                            
                                                            
38305 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Chris Papa               



Post divorce, she shopped for fur coat,                     
And luxurious cruise on a boat.                             
"You spend money VORACIOUSLY",                              
He accused her ungraciously.                                
"So, it's payback," she said, "You old goat!"               
                                                            
38306 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Elois                    



"For payback as this, I do chaff,                           
But neither of us has last laugh,                           
Which sure goes instead                                     
To sharks that we fed;                                      
The lawyers who walked off with half.                       
                                                            
38307 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Chris Papa               



The fellow who was to adjudicate,                           
Asked why we wanted to separate.                            
He said "It's plain to see,                                 
It could not simpler be.                                    
What I have here is a stale-mate."                          
                                                            
38308 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Gunjan Saraf             



A man from far Xanadu,                                      
Wracked and spent in frame, through and through,            
Said, "I want out of this mess!                             
Take my camels, and yes,                                    
Take my wifes and concubines, too."                         
                                                            
38309 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE             Bill Edwards        P9105



There once was a man who had more,                          
And wanted to marry a whore.                                
He gave her a hook,                                         
She gave him the look,                                      
And he would be married no more.                            
                                                            
38310 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



There once was a man named Bill,                            
Who made his wife do what he'd will.                        
But all that it took,                                       
Was the evil wife look,                                     
To make him roll off of his hill.                           
                                                            
38311 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



There once was a man and a wife,                            
Who constantly lived in some strife.                        
I'd warn them if I could,                                   
Bachelorism is good,                                        
And marrige will ruin your life.                            
                                                            
38312 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



Now that you've read all the bees*                          
And you at them may sneeze.                                 
You think these are cute,                                   
'Til you're given the boot,                                 
And realize there are morals to these.                      
                                                            
38313 MARRIAGE - DIVORCE                                      



When her curvy wiles finally clicked,                       
She caught her a bachelor will-wicked.                      
Fulfilled prospects bright                                  
On her wedding night,                                       
Most happy to have BENEDICT.                                
                                                            
38314 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Chris Papa               



I married a girl named Marie                                
And also another named Dee.                                 
The judge tells me I'm                                      
Committing a crime,                                         
"It's not big of you, it's BIGAMY!"                         
                                                            
38315 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Observer                 



There was a young fellow from Middletown                    
Who gave his new bride just a liddlefrown:                  
"My dear, I'm quite lusty,                                  
But my prick's growing rusty--                              
Won't you please put that damn peanutbriddledown?"          
                                                            
38316 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Norm Storer              



The spouse of a pretty young thing,                         
Came home from the wars in the spring.                      
He was lame but he came                                     
With his dame like a flame.                                 
A discharge is a wonderful thing.                           
                                                            
38317 MARRIAGE - GROOM                                   L0105



There was a young man from Khartoum,                        
Who kept on foretelling his doom.                           
Once to his best friend,                                    
He'd reached his sad end.                                   
He was right.  He's to be a bridegroom!                     
                                                            
38318 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Arthur Pattaffy          



An old gentleman living in Harwich,                         
At ninety was thinking of marriage.                         
In came his grandson,                                       
Who was just twenty-one,                                    
And went off with the bride in his carriage.                
                                                            
38319 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Published 1822           



Poor Johnny was one HANGDOG pup;                            
Drank too much at his nuptual sup,                          
And later 'neath sheet,                                     
Had only cold feet,                                         
Unable to get his thing up.                                 
                                                            
38320 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Chris Papa               



I spend a lot of time on my own,                            
And I often hear people moan,                               
That I should get a life,                                   
And maybe a wife,                                           
And have some kids of my own.                               
                                                            
38321 MARRIAGE - GROOM                                        



Said a newlywed groom named McGee,                          
"Now that I'm getting all I want free,                      
My overworked bride                                         
Wants to curl up inside,                                    
And I have to hunt for it on me!"                           
                                                            
38322 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Grand Prix Lim  740      



A fool that I know now expects                              
To marry Marie, who's my Ex.                                
This guy is so dumb,                                        
He cannot chew gum.                                         
He lives in a rented DUPE-plex.                             
                                                            
38323 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Al Willis           T9707



A worried young bridegroom named Carson                     
Observed his bride had every farce on.                      
He was not shook a bit                                      
By her wig and false tit,                                   
But he begged her to please keep her arse on.               
                                                            
38324 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Albin Chaplin 3024  G2098



When a feverish groom in Armenia                            
Had nibbled away his gardenia,                              
They just let him graze                                     
On the bridesmaids bouquets,                                
To quiet the old neurasthenia.                              
                                                            
38325 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Morris Bishop            



He came from a far distant shore;                           
The land of the interesting door.                           
Now Gary, we know,                                          
Will quite bravely go                                       
Where no Brit has ventured before.                          
                                                            
38326 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Karen                    



Since redheaded Gary arrived,                               
Our Spuddie no more is deprived                             
Of love and caress,                                         
For he has an ass,                                          
And a front that has her revived.                           
                                                            
38327 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Petunia                  



He sounds quite hearty and hale;                            
I assume he is well hung but pale;                          
For Spuddies sake,                                          
So he can make                                              
Her put her vibrator on sale.                               
                                                            
38328 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Petunia                  



I'm seeking a sleek tight-assed hunk                        
To raise me aloft with his trunk,                           
And keep me afloat                                          
Until my love boat                                          
Has sunk under gallons of spunk.                            
                                                            
38329 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Bitch                    



Though Gary and I have not met,                             
When I land in my purple Lear jet,                          
Approach him real slinky                                    
And whisper "I'm kinky!"                                    
He'll be mine. I hope you're upset.                         
                                                            
38330 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Bitch                    



There's a young Jewish lady named Carrie,                   
Told her folks she was ready to marry!                      
Her dad said, "Cor blimey,                                  
I hope it's a Hymie,                                        
And not any Tom, Dick or Harry."                            
                                                            
38331 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Arthur Pattaffy          



An embarrassed young bridegroom of Dover                    
So frustrated his bride that he drove her                   
Clean out of her mind;                                      
His before lay behind                                       
And nothing would make him turn over.                       
                                                            
38332 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Hugh Oliver         A031A



A newly-wed girl with allurance                             
Admired her young groom with assurance                      
As he prayed by the bed.                                    
"Is it guidance?" she said.                                 
He said, "No, I just pray for endurance."                   
                                                            
38333 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Albin Chaplin   3024-2422



An elderly bridegroom named Purvis                          
Grew quite justifiably nervous,                             
When he caught his young wife                               
Insuring his life,                                          
Immediately after the service.                              
                                                            
38334 MARRIAGE - GROOM               New Comic Limericks P9602



There was a young fellow named Fred                         
Who poured coffee all over his head,                        
So his girlfriend Ruth,                                     
Who had a sweet tooth,                                      
Would stick to him when they got wed.                       
                                                            
38335 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Funfax Limericks         



A son-in-law's a son                                        
Who loved a honeybun                                        
And life and spring                                         
And everything,                                             
Except a loaded gun.                                        
                                                            
38336 MARRIAGE - GROOM               William K. Alsop    P8910



Said a groom to his amorous mate,                           
"My dear, I'm afraid you must wait                          
For whatever comes next                                     
While I study this text;                                    
It's continued on page ninety-eight."                       
                                                            
38337 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Norm Storer              



To the groom! Tonight you must ding her,                    
So delightfully that with you she'll linger!                
To your genitalia!                                          
May they never fail ya!                                     
If they do, you've got tongue and forefinger!               
                                                            
38338 MARRIAGE - GROOM                                        



There once was a boy named Harry                            
Who fell for a girl named Mary.                             
Before they were wedded,                                    
To the barber he headed.                                    
Was Harry to hairy to marry?                                
                                                            
38339 MARRIAGE - GROOM               John Hann           P9302



As we start our fifth year,                                 
I love you, but pardon me dear --                           
Your snatch is too loose --                                 
How about some caboose?                                     
I've bought some KY for your rear.                          
                                                            
38340 MARRIAGE - GROOM               H WHELCHEL               



Your affection I'll forever prize.                          
Let's try something that amplifies                          
Our love, sweet and kind.                                   
Your mouth shouldn't mind                                   
My stubby and tenuous size.                                 
                                                            
38341 MARRIAGE - GROOM               H WHELCHEL               



There was a young lady called Paula,                        
Who wed a deck-hand from a trawler.                         
A really nice dish,                                         
Always smelling of fish,                                    
And manners becoming a brawler.                             
                                                            
38342 MARRIAGE - GROOM               Arthur Pattaffy          



We children would often times snicker                       
When our folks began to bicker.                             
Soon Mom she would head                                     
Upstairs to her bed,                                        
And Dad would follow to dicker!                             
                                                            
38343 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



For marriage to succeed, you try,                           
To avoid all CASUS BELLI,                                   
For unity's sake,                                           
Your ego forsake,                                           
With all the love you can supply.                           
                                                            
38344 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Chris Papa               



Just look at all of those DINKs,                            
Spending money on stupidest things.                         
Computers and stuff                                         
Which are all a bluff;                                      
Hard to fathom without a few drinks.                        
(DINKs - double income, no kids)                            
38345 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Nik Synytskyy            



The long-running battle of sexes                            
Can lead to loud words in an excess.                        
But partnership truth                                       
(while drinking vermouth)                                   
May lessen the number of "ex's".                            
                                                            
38346 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



There was a young Scotsman named Coates                     
Who wearied of living on groats.                            
For a change, in the end,                                   
He married a Friend,                                        
And nightly enjoys Quaker Oats.                             
                                                            
38347 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               VOL 5                    



"My daughter," said Queen Quillsinink,                      
"Please ponder this, princess, now think;                   
A man will be happy,                                        
Not grouchy or snappy,                                      
By keeping him deep in the pink."                           
                                                            
38348 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Travis Brasell           



Years in marriage, a puss fades from pink,                  
And the twat has a twang tuna stink.                        
A wandering weiner                                          
Might want grass that is greener;                           
Put your name, girls, on assets in ink!                     
                                                            
38349 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Goin2later               



Queen Quillsinink said, "Daughter, wait!                    
A husband who finds a 'locked gate'                         
When he wants to enter                                      
On cold nights in winter,                                   
Will phone to say, "I'm working late."                      
                                                            
38350 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Travis Brasell           



Mixing joy and suspicion, one Russo,                        
Told his bride, "My beloved, your trousseau                 
Is virginal white,                                          
But it hardly seems right,                                  
That a virgin should know how to screw so!"                 
('and grrriiinnnddd the coffee bean' is an explation)       
38351 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



How happy that man from Tobruk,                             
Who went with his wife to a nook;                           
They first played with Fanny,                               
And soon found a cranny:                                    
Of all that she gave, he partook.                           
                                                            
38352 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Harold C Bibby      P9710



Hey, there's little Tommy Catchitt;                         
You know he'd not seen the old scratchit,                   
'Til one day he did gander                                  
And let his fingers miander                                 
To the girl he did marry and latchit.                       
                                                            
38353 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



Meat rationing did not scare Miss Davey,                    
Who married a sailor in the Navy.                           
For she knew 'tween his legs,                               
He had ham, he had eggs,                                    
A big wienie, and oodles of gravy.                          
                                                            
38354 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                   L1408



Said a maid, "I will marry for lucre".                      
And her scandalized ma almost shook 'er.                    
But when the chance came,                                   
And she told the old dame,                                  
I noticed she didn't rebuke 'er.                            
                                                            
38355 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Anon                     



A couple who lived in the West                              
Lived a life singularly blessed.                            
He would only let her                                       
Gives others his 'better,'                                  
Reserving for her all his 'best'.                           
                                                            
38356 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Macsam                   



When a man's paths to pleasure are parried,                 
By a spouse with charts endlessly varied,                   
Curbing conjugal bliss,                                     
We can say, then, that this,                                
Leads hint to be mappily harried.                           
                                                            
38357 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Bob Giandomenico         



There was a young woman named Sheila                        
Who had wed a confirmed wheeler-dealer.                     
When told she should blush                                  
She would answer, "Now hush;                                
He has what it takes as a feeler."                          
                                                            
38358 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Isaac Asimov             



She said, "Honey, you know what my wish is?                 
It'd be nice if you helped with the dishes".                
But she had a stroke                                        
From the dishes he broke.                                   
Now he spends his time where the fish is.                   
                                                            
38359 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Waukesha Don       TP9802



A man says his wife's faults are many;                      
She's either too fat or too skinny.                         
She'll deny and reject                                      
That her husband's correct.                                 
He'd admit to his faults, if he'd any.                      
                                                            
38360 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Observer           TP9901



A happy you housewife in Hale,                              
Believed in hot peppers and quail;                          
She said such a supper                                      
Would make her man tup her                                  
With fervor and quite without fail.                         
                                                            
38361 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Harold C Bibby           



A long-married couple, the Glovers,                         
Began in the fifties as lovers;                             
At the start they got ass                                   
On some couch, in the grass,                                
But now they can hump between covers.                       
                                                            
38362 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Armand E Singer       968



There was a young woman named Ina,                          
Who said, "There is nothing that's finer,                   
Than my good husband Howie,                                 
Who's a real knockout zowie,                                
Whenever he's near my vagina."                              
                                                            
38363 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Isaac Asimov             



But thank you, dear Mar, for your wishes.                   
My Erm offered something delicious.                         
On my special day,                                          
I heard my love say:                                        
"Today darling, I'll wash the dishes."                      
                                                            
38364 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



A young man by a girl was desired,                          
To give her the thrills she required.                       
But he died of old age                                      
Ere his cock could assuage                                  
The volcanic desire it inspired.                            
                                                            
38365 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Anon                L0026



Please tell me what lies in your thoughts?                  
Young blond girls with firm shapely bots?                   
Large breasts or small?                                     
D'you just love 'em all?                                    
Do all women give you the hots?                             
                                                            
38366 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Jayne                    



I am just like all good men alive;                          
See beautiful girl -- Will she jive?                        
But wifey has said,                                         
Keep it all in your head --                                 
Or your body will suffer this knive.                        
                                                            
38367 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Archie                   



There once was a man that I loved,                          
Whose heart was as pure as a dove.                          
He woke every day                                           
To smile and to say:                                        
"I'll love you 'til the day I'm above!"                     
                                                            
38368 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Virginia Wilson          



There once was an IMPREGNABLE miss,                         
Who succumbed to a swain's soggy kiss.                      
They happily wed                                            
And bounced into bed,                                       
For a life of sweet marital bliss.                          
                                                            
38369 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Chris Papa               



She's read much about HIV,                                  
And wanted man as pure as she.                              
Placed internet ads,                                        
Weeded out the bads,                                        
And married an ex-priest named Lee.                         
                                                            
38370 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Larry                    



I know of a midget named Claude,                            
With a six foot two wife name of Maude.                     
That she is so tall                                         
Bothers him not at all,                                     
'Cause she's got one hell of a bod.                         
                                                            
38371 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



Maude's favorite position is standin,                       
And from Claude she is always demandin'                     
That he stand there in front,                               
With his face in her cunt;                                  
He says that it tastes just like salmon                     
                                                            
38372 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



When finished he likes compensation                         
In the form of some lusty fellation,                        
And forces dear Maude                                       
To swallow his wad,                                         
While humping her face in elation.                          
                                                            
38373 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



I am really not a gay man                                   
Or even good a K-Y fan.                                     
I have a good life,                                         
With my dear sweet wife;                                    
And I don't want anything stuck up my can.                  
                                                            
38374 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



A woman who lived outside Cove,                             
Got a notion to marry, by Jove.                             
She nabbed a young sailor,                                  
Who swore he'd ne'er fail her,                              
Which ended his days on the rove!                           
                                                            
38375 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young fellow named Fyfe                         
Who married the pride of his life.                          
Though they clashed overmuch                                
As to money and such,                                       
They had a quite normal sex life.                           
                                                            
38376 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a long trail a-winding, for two,                    
To the land where my dreams all come true,                  
But I'd hate it if fate                                     
Made me late to the gate                                    
From a-waiting too long here for you.                       
                                                            
38377 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Laurence Perrine    P8412



A worn-out young husband named Lehr,                        
Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer:                    
"Slip on a sheath, quick,                                   
Then slip your big dick                                     
Between these lips covered with hair."                      
                                                            
38378 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                   L0059



One more older sister called Carol,                         
Wears just plain and simple apparel.                        
She married a Yank,                                         
And has lots in the bank,                                   
And plenty of beer in the barrel.                           
                                                            
38379 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Jayne                    



I married a girl named Felicity;                            
She lights up my life with simplicity.                      
From her head to her toes                                   
She shines and she glows                                    
'Cause I keep her plugged in electricity.                   
                                                            
38380 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Friar                    



Of my husband I do not ask much,                            
Just an all mod. and con. little hutch;                     
Bank account in my name,                                    
With a cheque book to same,                                 
Plus a small fee for fucking and such.                      
(mod. con. - modern conveniences in ad talk )               
38381 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Anon                G1839



There was a fine sailor named Clyde,                        
Who decided he needed a bride.                              
Since he liked women large,                                 
As a tugboat or barge,                                      
He sailed off to search for a bride.                        
                                                            
38382 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



He followed the famous North Star                           
In his sloop sealed with beeswax and tar.                   
He sailed far and wide                                      
In search of his bride,                                     
Till he beached on a shallow sand bar.                      
                                                            
38383 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



Clyde alit from the back of his boat,                       
(Pleased to note it was still afloat).                      
He hiked over the land                                      
Beyond the wet sand                                         
Till he came to an old billy goat.                          
                                                            
38384 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



"Mr Goat," asked Clyde, "Where is the man                   
Who must bring you your oats in that can?                   
If he's got a daughter                                      
And maybe I bought her                                      
A ring, she might give me her hand."                        
                                                            
38385 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



The old goat led Clyde up the hill                          
Where the farmer was tending a still.                       
He said he had sons,                                        
"Oh yes, tons and tons,                                     
And one maiden (She's first in my will.)                    
                                                            
38386 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



Clyde found that the farmer's sweet girl                    
Was indeed a impeccable pearl.                              
He asked could he wed her;                                  
She answered, "You betcher!"                                
So the wedding was done in a whirl.                         
                                                            
38387 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



They were winsomely happy, that pair;                       
She loved his salty black locks of hair.                    
He loved her wiggle;                                        
How she could jiggle                                        
When she'd lead him to bed up the stair.                    
                                                            
38388 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



For she was a large woman with pride;                       
Her hips were exceedingly wide.                             
She would pull dear Clyde in,                               
Tucked up under her chin,                                   
Win one bosom supporting each side.                         
                                                            
38389 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



Clyde's sighs were of marital bliss,                        
As he'd give her a lingering kiss,                          
Atop of her belly                                           
As bouyant as jelly,                                        
That old ocean Clyde never would miss.                      
                                                            
38390 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



Now the two happily rock side by side,                      
On the porch of their home (double-wide).                   
The grandchildren play                                      
With the goats and the hay                                  
That great Grandpappy left when he died.                    
                                                            
38391 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               ROE                      



Half as long? But statistics all say                        
Wedded bliss will the reaper delay.                         
But the stats may be wrong --                               
Do our lives last that long                                 
Or perhaps, does it just seem that way?                     
                                                            
38392 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               William N Nesbit         



How dare you to think my dead?                              
She's alive and she's still giving head.                    
And five minutes after?                                     
She greets that with laughter,                              
"I usually come after instead!"                             
                                                            
38393 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



I think that it's healthy to show                           
To our mate, they excite us so.                             
If we hide emotion,                                         
Passion, devotion,                                          
How can one's relationship grow.                            
                                                            
38394 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



There was a young fellow from Butte,                        
Who married a girl who was mute.                            
"When she wants sex," he said,                              
"And points to the bed,                                     
The signs that she makes are so cute."                      
                                                            
38395 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Isaac Asimov             



Bart has a singular penis,                                  
For his wife who is built like a Venus.                     
He awoke with a fright,                                     
Last Saturday night,                                        
"Hey, something is coming between us!"                      
                                                            
38396 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Said old Mr. Wellington Koo,                                
"Now what in the Hell shall I do?                           
My wife is too hot,                                         
I can't fill up her slot --"                                
So he screwed her to bits trying to.                        
                                                            
38397 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                   L1188



A unisex man who got wed                                    
To a unisex woman, soon said,                               
"We have come to the end                                    
Of this curious trend,                                      
And find duosex better in bed."                             
                                                            
38398 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Paul Jennings            



In the ancient old town of Kinsale,                         
Where there's lashin's of beer and of ale,                  
Where each man despite strife,                              
Lives with his own wife.                                    
If you've heard something else - it's a tale!               
                                                            
38399 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Linda Marsh Coll         



They shared something precious and dear,                    
Which has lasted for many a year.                           
Like a summer stream                                        
In the sun's bright gleam,                                  
Their love was LIMPID, warm and clear.                      
                                                            
38400 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Kitten                   



Husbands just like to be told,                              
Those grey pubes don't mean that your old!                  
Go service the car,                                         
And unscrew my jar,                                         
And warm me at night when it's cold!                        
                                                            
38401 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



A junior school teacher once said,                          
"One day I hope to be wed."                                 
Said Tommy, aged ten:                                       
"With oil short again,                                      
'Twill be warmer with two in the bed".                      
                                                            
38402 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Sister D. O'Brien        



I surely appreciate this:                                   
Your humor has not gone amiss.                              
Regina won't see,                                           
Know what's good for me,                                    
To languish in sweet wedded bliss.                          
                                                            
38403 MARRIAGE - HAPPY                                        



In Vancouver, a new married pair,                           
Settled down in their S&M lair.                             
Decor was a snap,                                           
With the whips, chains, and flaps,                          
But the drapes were a bit of a bear.                        
                                                            
38404 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               Tim Autobiographical     



Handsome woman.  Lovely Bust.                               
Fine young fellow.  Stirred-up lust.                        
Babies' diapers.                                            
Bottom wipers.                                              
Years of struggle.  Coffin.  Dust.                          
                                                            
38405 MARRIAGE - HAPPY               G. Legman           G0030



Cried a bride as she came the first time:                   
"How can you contain so much slime?                         
I'm not really a prude,                                     
And I'm glad I've been screwed--                            
I find all but the slime is sublime!"                       
                                                            
38406 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                               G1601



There was a young lady called Annie                         
Her dream is to become a 'Mammy'.                           
Her husband, poor thing,                                    
Was forgot with her ring;                                   
The one on her hand, not her fanny.                         
                                                            
38407 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                                    



Yes, believe it or not, she was married,                    
But by all the young men she was harried.                   
Our story's hero                                            
Was a fella named Nero,                                     
As off to her room she was carried.                         
                                                            
38408 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                                    



The moon it was shining fair bright                         
As she gave him a kiss of delight.                          
To her delection                                            
He got an erection;                                         
It lasted them all through the night.                       
                                                            
38409 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                                    



The following morning your Anny                             
Was awakened by sounds of a 'Tranny',                       
A bloke in her bed,                                         
An ache in her head,                                        
Her thighs, and her back and her fanny.                     
                                                            
38410 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                                    



There once was a man from Kowloon                           
Whose dick swelled up like a balloon.                       
His bride was deceived                                      
Until she perceived                                         
The balloon collapsed way, way too soon.                    
                                                            
38411 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Mick Tully         TP9804



"If newlyweds come," said Miss Dove,                        
"I give them the room just above.                           
When they do their lovemaking                               
I can hear the bed shaking,                                 
Like it used to when I was in love."                        
                                                            
38412 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                               G0056



Sighed the bride in their nuptial bower,                    
"I expected that you would deflower                         
Me hotly at once,                                           
But you haven't, you dunce!                                 
Up to now it's been nearly an hour!"                        
                                                            
38413 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  872      



Just who are these newlyweds                                
Who blissfully have clouds in their heads,                  
Big grins on their faces,                                   
In their eyes more than traces,                             
While rose petals cover their bed.                          
                                                            
38414 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Jim Weaver Collection    



On the bed they have placed the young maid;                 
Around her bright daisies they've laid.                     
The maid dreams to flee                                     
Her husband to be,                                          
Who's dashing and makes her afraid.                         
                                                            
38415 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Azul                     



They met for the first time today,                          
At the church 'fore the altar to say                        
Their own marriage vows                                     
And she did it somehow,                                     
Though her body did tremble and sway.                       
                                                            
38416 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Azul                     



So now she awaits her new lord                              
And prays for a special reward:                             
That he's gentle and kind                                   
Will come love her with time,                               
Once she's impaled on his sword.                            
                                                            
38417 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Azul                     



Sighed a newlywed damsel of Wheeling,                       
"A honeymoon seems so appealing.                            
But for nearly two weeks                                    
I've heard only bed squeaks,                                
And seen nothing but cracks in the ceiling!"                
                                                            
38418 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim   66 G0224



An exhausted young bride of Shawinigan                      
Was so pooped she just couldn't begin again,                
Yet couldn't restrain                                       
Her insatiable swain                                        
Who continued out-in-out and in again.                      
                                                            
38419 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Keith MacMillan       40a



Said the bride at the church, young Miss Rousseau,          
I'm afraid I must take off my trousseau.                    
For this itch is provoking --                               
It needs licking or poking.                                 
It would please me no end, if you'd do so."                 
                                                            
38420 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin   3024-0316



There once was a sensitive bride,                           
Who ran when the groom was espied.                          
When she looked at his swiver,                              
They had to revive her,                                     
But when he got it in, she just sighed.                     
                                                            
38421 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                               L1719



A just-married husband named Ted                            
Drank too many toasts when he wed;                          
He promised his wife                                        
The night of her life,                                      
But soon fell asleep on the bed.                            
                                                            
38422 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Armand E Singer       916



An eager young damsel named Fay                             
Went too far on her honeymoon day.                          
Her husband resigned                                        
And most rudely declined                                    
Her requested fifth instant replay.                         
                                                            
38423 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Isaac Asimov             



Some cheap newlyweds honeymooned,                           
On small desert island, MAROONED,                           
"There's no champagne here,                                 
But cases of beer,                                          
And chance to get sex life fine-tuned."                     
                                                            
38424 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Chris Papa               



"That's too fucking wide," said the bride;                  
"I'll never fit that up inside."                            
"But dearest, when 'head'                                   
I suggested instead,                                        
I did not mean like that," he replied.                      
                                                            
38425 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Peter Wilkins            



A young British woman named June                            
Was busy on her honeymoon.                                  
She had sex every night,                                    
Six times more in daylight,                                 
But stopped for tea each afternoon.                         
                                                            
38426 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Warrick Elrod            



"In the honeymoon suite, we'll have wine.                   
We'll loosen our clothes and recline.                       
Our blood will run hot,                                     
And we'll be hot to trot,                                   
And then they will meet, yours and mine."                   
                                                            
38427 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Jim Weaver Collection    



The maids joined the bride in her dash                      
To ride with the groom in his Nash.                         
As they rode dignified,                                     
The groom fucked the bride,                                 
And the bridesmaids were caught in the splash.              
                                                            
38428 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin   3024-0103



The maids joined the bride in her dash                      
To ride with the groom in his Nash.                         
As they rode to the ferry                                   
The bridegroom made Mary,                                   
And Joy, Rosie, Grace, and Miss Cash.                       
                                                            
38429 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin   3024-0104



Said the newly-weds staying near Kitely,                    
"We turn out the electric light nightly.                    
It's best to embark                                         
Upon sex in the dark,                                       
The look of the thing's so unsightly."                      
                                                            
38430 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Anon                G0105



The wedding day went off, just right;                       
Alas, though, the honeymoon flight                          
Delayed by one day,                                         
Meant that they had to stay,                                
With bride Bonnie's family that night.                      
                                                            
38431 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Tiddy Ogg                



I'll show you some tricks now," said Clyde,                 
Undressing his blushing new bride.                          
And he showed how the load                                  
From a choad would explode,                                 
In the orifice nature supplied.                             
                                                            
38432 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh Clyde dear, I'm all in a lather,"                       
She said, "But I truly would rather                         
A dong that is stronger                                     
And long as a conger,                                       
The same as my brother and father."                         
                                                            
38433 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Tiddy Ogg                



She sat up and then got to her feet.                        
"Don't worry, I'll give you a treat.                        
I'll call down the hall;                                    
Sis Paula will crawl                                        
In and give you a pussy to eat."                            
                                                            
38434 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Tiddy Ogg                



"But now I'm off, over the fence,                           
To go hang around by the 'Gents.'                           
My work I'll not shirk;                                     
A jerk of the dirk                                          
Will pay for this do -- that's plain sense."                
                                                            
38435 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Tiddy Ogg                



A moral in what you have read?                              
Well, Bonnie's got none, as I said.                         
For a life without strife                                   
That is rife, keep your wife                                
On a chain linking kitchen and bed.                         
                                                            
38436 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Tiddy Ogg                



0, pity young maidservant Proctor!                          
Her wedding night horribly shocked her.                     
It wasn't her hubby                                         
That made her grow tubby,                                   
'Twas her master's "jus prima" that "nocta".                
                                                            
38437 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           John E Mayhood     P9912 



From their bed a spent bridegroom descended,                
To duty he'd ceaselessly tended.                            
"If you aren't bred by now,                                 
You're an infertile cow,"                                   
He growled harshly, keeled over, life ended.                
                                                            
38438 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Esther Koch         P0010



On the night of the wedding, young Fred                     
Told his bride, before getting to bed,                      
To please take a cold shower                                
For at least half an hour,                                  
Then to lie on the bed as if dead.                          
                                                            
38439 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin   3024-2876



A timid young girl from Mirboo,                             
To a tame goose could never say boo.                        
On her honeymoon night,                                     
She cried out in fright                                     
When her husband said, "Let me in, Sue!"                    
                                                            
38440 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



A weary-worn groom, Mickey Finnigan                         
Heard his bride hotly moan, "Put it in again,               
And give me more jazz, Mick,                                
I'm milti-orgasmic,                                         
As soon as we're through, let's begin again."               
                                                            
38441 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Bob Giandomenico    P9407



A bridegroom confused was young Lozon;                      
His bride he just could not impose on.                      
For she said it was lewd                                    
To be viewed in the nude,                                   
And she climbed into bed with her clothes on.               
                                                            
38442 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin   3024-0239



It was while we were still honeymooning;                    
I was ready for very fine tuning.                           
I would show her the ropes...                               
The squeezes and gropes...                                  
When I got to the bed she was mooning.                      
                                                            
38443 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Jim Weaver Collection    



Did you hear of the musical bride,                          
Who said to the groom at her side,                          
"I never could quite                                        
Believe till tonight,                                       
Our two instruments would coincide."                        
                                                            
38444 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Anon                G0022



The bride, pinioned down in Room Ten,                       
Sent out for a meal, now and then.                          
Said she, "Sex is sweet,                                    
But I still have to eat;                                    
Will you slide off a minute, please, Ben?"                  
                                                            
38445 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  514 G0200



A nervous young bridegroom named Moore                      
Told his bride, "Dear, I know that it's sore.               
But don't scream when we do it--                            
Please put your mind to it--                                
The neighbors are all keeping score."                       
                                                            
38446 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  630 G0134



The bedsprings next door bounce and creak;                  
They have kept me awake for a week.                         
Why do newlyweds                                            
Select squeaky beds                                         
To develop their fucking technique.                         
                                                            
38447 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  738 G0047



It's a ghastly unpleasant sensation                         
To be stripped for the Big Consummation,                    
Then try for one hour                                       
To work up manpower                                         
And end with NO cohabitation...                             
                                                            
38448 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  878      



When the first day you're right at your peak,               
You'll find seven days making one weak...                   
So it's wise to stop hopping                                
While still potent and popping,                             
And use what you've abused, just to leak.                   
                                                            
38449 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  853      



When the boss' fat daughter he wed                          
And reluctantly took her to bed.                            
She said, "Sweetheart, I think                              
You've had too much to drink."                              
"No, not nearly enough, dear," he said.                     
                                                            
38450 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           William N. Newbit   P9606



A newlywed couple named Bright                              
Got through the reception all right.                        
They retired to the rest room                               
And they found that the best room,                          
And so never got further that night.                        
                                                            
38451 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin            



A newlywed couple from Goshen,                              
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.                    
In twenty-eight days,                                       
They got laid eighty ways.                                  
Imagine such fucking devotion.                              
                                                            
38452 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                               L0305



There was an old roue named Clyde,                          
Who took an eighteen year old as a bride.                   
The took the old lecher                                     
Out on a stretcher;                                         
As he left, he was smiling with pride.                      
                                                            
38453 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Popsicle           TP9807



There was a young gent from Peoria,                         
Who's girlfriend was named simply Gloria.                   
He caused her to tarry,                                     
So him she would marry,                                     
They honeymoon now in Korea.                                
                                                            
38454 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Jim Weaver Collection    



A guy and his girl left at noon                             
To go off on a long honeymoon.                              
Twelve-fifteen and he said,                                 
"Let's just stop here for bed."                             
She smiled: "Not a moment too soon!"                        
                                                            
38455 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Jim Weaver Collection    



At his wedding, a bridegroom named Crusoe,                  
Was embarrassed to find his prick grew so.                  
His eager young bride,                                      
Pulled him quickly astride,                                 
And was screwed while still wearing her trousseau.          
                                                            
38456 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Isaac Asimov             



In the coffin they dressed her in white,                    
The dress worn on her wedding night.                        
She was caught by surprise                                  
By her new hubby's size...                                  
It is said that she died of sheer fright.                   
                                                            
38457 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Bob Birch           P9806



"Please wait in the bathroom", said Flo                     
To her eager young bridegroom, "Although                    
We're now married, you must                                 
Give me time to adjust;                                     
I'll undress if you promise to go."                         
                                                            
38458 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Peter Wilkins            



An hour or so later, she said                               
To him, "Darling, I'm ready in bed."                        
But the groom was outside,                                  
With no thought for his bride,                              
For the bridesmaid was giving him head.                     
                                                            
38459 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Peter Wilkins            



An innocent bride from the Mission,                         
Remarked, on her first night's coition:                     
"What an intimate section                                   
To use for connection,                                      
And Lord! what a silly position!"                           
                                                            
38460 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Anon                G0133



With his new bride he'll quickly convene                    
And take scarcely no rest in between.                       
When he finally stops                                       
With exhaustion he plops.                                   
She'll find that her new groom sleeps keen.                 
                                                            
38461 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Bob Giandomenico    P9005



The night of his wedding, a groom                           
Was humping his way to the womb.                            
Then betwixt her knees,                                     
She'd let out a sneeze                                      
Which blew him right out of the room.                       
                                                            
38462 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           SFA                      



On their wedding night Rosie told Joe,                      
"I believe there's something you should know.               
I've screwed sixty men,                                     
Our pooch now and then,                                     
And the cop on the beat down below..."                      
                                                            
38463 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  669 G0625



On their wedding night Sue went to bed,                     
Spread 'em wide and then giggled and said,                  
"Before we were married,                                    
Your advances I parried,                                    
But tonight, Dear, we'll pump till it's dead!"              
                                                            
38464 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  339      



At Wing Loo's restaurant by the road,                       
Fortune cookie notes, troubles have sowed.                  
On a wedding night dinner,                                  
The groom got a winner:                                     
"Small stick cannot carry great load!"                      
                                                            
38465 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Allen Wolverton          



A dignified fellow named Cliff,                             
Got into a hell of a tiff,                                  
With his eager young wife                                   
In their newlywed life,                                     
When only his manner proved stiff.                          
                                                            
38466 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Isaac Asimov             



Wedding night, when his head turns to hash!                 
Eager groom to the bedstead will dash;                      
See, a new bride will call:                                 
"My ashes! Please haul!"                                    
But a wife just says "Take out the trash!"                  
                                                            
38467 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                                    



A newly-wed husband named Bynum,                            
Asked his bride to please sixty-nine him.                   
When she shook her head,                                    
He sighed and then said,                                    
"Well, if we can't lick 'em, let's join 'em."               
                                                            
38468 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                               G0832



In Clymer an unhappy bride                                  
After ten days in bed sadly cried,                          
"There's simply no knowing                                  
How Joe can keep going...                                   
Man, I'm sure taking him for a ride!"                       
                                                            
38469 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  269      



The bride and the groom name of Heather                     
Did note a quick change in the weather.                     
Since the weather looked surly,                             
They planned to leave early,                                
So that they could get their things together.               
                                                            
38470 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin            



On the bed lay young Ned and his bride                      
And he patted her belly and sighed,                         
"I'd be giddy with glee                                     
Were that spot under me,                                    
But it's too drained to dunk if I tried.                    
                                                            
38471 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  583      



Now they boarded their train at Port Flume,                 
The Conductor then left from their room.                    
They undressed; they were nude,                             
In a flash they had screwed,                                
They were newly-wed bride and the groom.                    
                                                            
38472 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Then the train, it climbed up from the coast,               
And they fucked as they ate their French toast.             
"We don't mind all that butter,                             
For it greases his putter,                                  
Making slipping and sliding the most!"                      
                                                            
38473 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Then the jounce of the train on the track,                  
Made her want to be screwed in the sack.                    
So she pulled him inside,                                   
Of her quivering hide,                                      
And they came to the clickety-clack.                        
                                                            
38474 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



And the coal was then scooped to the fire-box,              
But the train had to slow for a hot-box.                    
So she started to pout,                                     
"Don't you dare pull it out,                                
While I'm hauling your ash in my love-box!"                 
                                                            
38475 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



And the roll of the train through Mount Dickin,             
Made the cunt of his new wife then quicken.                 
He was heard to denote,                                     
As he lapped at her boat,                                   
"Smells like fish but it's tasty as chicken!"               
                                                            
38476 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



And the sway of the train through Mount York,               
Sent her squirming to suck on his dork.                     
And she said with a grin,                                   
As she licked off her chin,                                 
"Smells like fish but its flavor is pork!"                  
                                                            
38477 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



And the rock of the train through Mount Falls,              
Made them screw through the hours without pause.            
They had shucked, they had bucked,                          
They had sucked, they had fucked,                           
Which had greatly depleted his balls.                       
                                                            
38478 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



So they ran from their room to get food,                    
As they rolled through the town of New Lewd.                
And they raced by the Porter,                               
And then called out their order,                            
"Spanish Fly over oysters; served stewed!"                  
                                                            
38479 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Then they dined in the car through Mount Lone,              
While she kept her left hand on his bone.                   
As she ate with her right,                                  
She kept squeezing him tight,                               
So he had to suppress all his moans.                        
                                                            
38480 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



They continued to dine through Mount High,                  
While he kept his right hand 'twixt her thighs.             
As he ate with his left,                                    
He kept rubbing her cleft,                                  
So she had to keep stifling her sighs.                      
                                                            
38481 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Then they ran to regain their roomette,                     
On the way, the poor Port' they upset.                      
But so anxious were they,                                   
To resume their sex play,                                   
They did not even tip him their 'grets.                     
                                                            
38482 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Now the train, it did steam hill and dale,                  
Where the farmers were tying their bales.                   
As he plowed 'tween her loins,                              
He did fert'lize her groin,                                 
Made her furrow his back with her nails.                    
                                                            
38483 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



And the bounce of the train on the track,                   
Made his balls then go clickety-clack.                      
So intrigued by this sound,                                 
That on him she went down,                                  
And commenced to puff smoke from his stack.                 
                                                            
38484 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Then he licked at her muff, which was hairy,                
As they sped through the town of New Berry.                 
"I don't mind all that fur,                                 
This makes Pussycat purr,                                   
And the thrusts of her loins do not tarry."                 
                                                            
38485 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Then the train, it came down from the hills,                
Sixty-nine was its speed without spills.                    
They assumed that position,                                 
In a loving condition,                                      
And they licked and they sucked for their thrills.          
                                                            
38486 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Then the lurch of the car in the curve,                     
Made their coupled hot bodies then swerve.                  
And their parts flew apart;                                 
They re-coupled with heart,                                 
And resumed all their loving with verve.                    
                                                            
38487 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



Now the train, it had slowed on the rail,                   
'Til it crept with the pace of a snail.                     
In the dark of a tunnel,                                    
He could still poke her funnel,                             
For their loving was done a la Braille.                     
                                                            
38488 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



And the rhythm of cars on the track,                        
Made his jism rise up in his sack.                          
But he kept his "cunt-roll,"                                
'Til they reached the depot,                                
Then he squirted his steam up her crack.                    
                                                            
38489 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



They departed their train at Port Kent,                     
Glassy-eyed and weak-kneed and quite bent.                  
They had sores on their hips,                               
But had smiles on their lips,                               
For their trip had been heavenly spent.                     
                                                            
38490 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Eric Newberry       P0301



"We'll have to slow down a bit, Mister,"                    
She said as her new husband kissed her.                     
"I love it all right,                                       
But twelve times a night,                                   
Is starting a conjugal blister."                            
                                                            
38491 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON                                    



A newlywed pair was incited                                 
At tactics of airlines shortsighted.                        
Their honeymoon flight                                      
Was canceled outright,                                      
For they wanted to travel United.                           
                                                            
38492 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin   3024-0212



She said on our honeymoon night,                            
As we lay holding each other tight,                         
"I'm not sure I see                                         
What you see in me,                                         
But I love how you use your flashlight."                    
                                                            
38493 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Jim Weaver Collection    



A Frenchman by name of Le Beaume                            
Was married to a sad English bloom.                         
On his wedding night he                                     
Asked his bride whether she                                 
Wished to fuck -- or preferred to play Doom.                
                                                            
38494 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Jorna                    



This cause dear young Bess some concern,                    
For she did not wish to be stern.                           
She then paused and she sighed,                             
And she thought and replied,                                
"I do not know which way I should turn."                    
                                                            
38495 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Albin Chaplin            



A very old fellow from Reading                              
At long last was blessed with a wedding.                    
But shocked his new bride                                   
Who lay alongside:                                          
He wetted his half of the bedding.                          
                                                            
38496 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Armand E Singer       676



Two innocents, bridegroom and bride,                        
Were lying in bed side by side.                             
Cried the bride in depair,                                  
"Oh what belongs where?                                     
And how can this knot be untied?"                           
                                                            
38497 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Laurence Perrine    P8604



Of Beatrice I was quite a fan;                              
She married some old fancy dan.                             
But on her hen night,                                       
I thought it was right                                      
To show her who was the best man.                           
                                                            
38498 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Bushmaster               



That night her groom thought, "I will trick her."           
So he brought in another to dick her.                       
And then in the dark,                                       
When she felt love's spark,                                 
She moaned, "It feels just like the vicar!"                 
                                                            
38499 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Travis Brasell           



The bride, on her honeymoon night,                          
Was ill from her groom's trothful plight;                   
She'd heard his "I do,"                                     
Now he's off with Sue,                                      
Her sister, at Motel Delight.                               
                                                            
38500 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Travis Brasell           



In the nude, looking sweet, fresh, and dewy,                
A lissome young bride said in Bowie,                        
"I wore out that goon                                       
On our done honeymoon,                                      
So come in, Peter, Dear...you and Louie."                   
                                                            
38501 MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON           Grand Prix Lim  250      



I have my man trained very well,                            
And our arguments I've learned to quell,                    
Will art and with graces,                                   
And soft gentle phrases                                     
Like "Bloody Well Just Go To Hell!"                         
                                                            
38502 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Michelle                 



On this Anniversary Golden,                                 
We want you to know we're beholden                          
For those fifty years                                       
Of friendship, my dears;                                    
Love quickly before you start moldin'!                      
                                                            
38503 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Travis Brasell           



Oh hickory dickery dockery,                                 
My wife don't take kindly to mockery.                       
If you take the rip,                                        
It gives her the pip;                                       
You'll finish up fending off crockery.                      
                                                            
38504 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh, isn't this super eh, hon?                              
You fancy some frolicking fun?"                             
"Ooh yes; let's be naughty                                  
To celebrate 40                                             
Years blissfully married next Mon .. "                      
                                                            
38505 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM                                    



My dear, you have made my life sweeter,                     
For fifty great years and my peter                          
Remembers the fun                                           
Before you, old hon,                                        
Became such a gluttonous eater!                             
                                                            
38506 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Travis Brasell           



Grandpa delights us with tales he's got;                    
Grandma's sweaters we sure like a lot.                      
Their organ we play                                         
Sometimes every day,                                        
But our bowling scores aren't all that hot!                 
                                                            
38507 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Dick Hull                



Grandpa, you've always been a good egg --                   
And your martinis would fill up a keg!                      
So don't make a fuss;                                       
But please do tell us                                       
The source of that scar on your leg!                        
                                                            
38508 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Dick Hull                



Grandma, thanks for the PJs and cakes,                      
For the camping in woods and by lakes.                      
We say thanks a bunch                                       
For the Easter brunch,                                      
And for skipping the drinks Grandpa makes.                  
                                                            
38509 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Dick Hull                



So here on your fifty-year day,                             
We grandkids would just like to say:                        
We are quite blessed                                        
To have the best --                                         
Of you folks whom we honor today.                           
                                                            
38510 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Dick Hull                



We've been married two decades today,                       
Which leaves me little to say.                              
So I'm real sorry folks,                                    
I'm in no mood for jokes,                                   
My ditty's no dilly, no way!                                
                                                            
38511 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           John Miller 0027         



Our youthful spring growth is now stubble,                  
But our love is intact, not mere rubble.                    
The secret you see,                                         
If you're lazy as we,                                       
Splitting up is just far too much trouble.                  
                                                            
38512 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Tiddy Ogg                



The kids, born and nurtured, now grown,                     
Have spread their wings, moved now from home.               
So we take our ease,                                        
And do as we please,                                        
Content to be left here alone.                              
                                                            
38513 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Tiddy Ogg                



And though you may think it absurd,                         
You'll never here hear a cross word.                        
That takes too much thought,                                
And supplies here are short.                                
"No, Ogg not that sort of crossword."                       
                                                            
38514 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Tiddy Ogg                



"Now get here and eat up your gruel,                        
You're really a dodd'ring old fool.                         
Then the floor you must clean,                              
To a bright sparkling sheen."                               
Yes dear, my precious, my jewel.                            
                                                            
38515 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Tiddy Ogg                



"And get off that blasted machine,                          
It's normally something obscene.                            
Disgusting foul porn,                                       
Or humor so corn-                                           
y." (She can be so mean!)                                   
                                                            
38516 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Tiddy Ogg                



Now I'm quoting that Bill Blake again,                      
(You know that he died quite insane.)                       
So why do I do it?                                          
And why do I rue it ...?                                    
'Twas used as our wedding refrain.                          
                                                            
38517 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Tiddy Ogg                



Fudd's busy by day raisin' mink,                            
And busy by night raisin' pink.                             
And back at his house,                                      
Fudd's naggin' old spouse                                   
Is bustin' her butt raisin' stink.                          
                                                            
38518 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM                                    



A lady from Canada, California,                             
Said "I'll stay here because I was bornia.                  
I'll find the right guy,                                    
We'll stay here til we die,                                 
We'll have kids, we'll plant seeds and raise cornia."       
                                                            
38519 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Arthur Pattaffy          



For fifty long years I have held you,                       
And loved you and surely compelled you                      
To be your damn best,                                       
But I would be blest                                        
If you'd take a bath -- 'cause I've smelled you.            
                                                            
38520 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Travis Brasell           



I married you and my first thought                          
Was: "God!  What a stud I have caught!"                     
But after years fifty,                                      
Don't be so damn thrifty;                                   
Please take the Viagra I bought.                            
                                                            
38521 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Travis Brasell           



Our faces show the years;                                   
Blood, toil, sweat and tears.                               
The work put aside;                                         
Swallow our pride;                                          
How we have grown these 20 years.                           
                                                            
38522 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM                                    



It's great to honor Joe and Mary --                         
Been fifty years since they did marry.                      
Though Joe still gets loud,                                 
In or out of a crowd,                                       
Mary never thought he was scary.                            
                                                            
38523 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Dick Hull                



While engaged, Joe met with his priest,                     
Who believed it ought to be ceased:                         
He'd go straight to hell                                    
With this Baptist belle,                                    
Which Joe heeded not in the least!                          
                                                            
38524 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Dick Hull                



So on your golden wedding day                               
We salute you both, and we say:                             
You are each a star,                                        
Who has come very far;                                      
May more happiness come on your way.                        
                                                            
38525 MARRIAGE - LONG TERM           Dick Hull                



The wise old Sultan of Bangalore                            
Had seven wives, but wanted some more.                      
He held an audition                                         
To uphold this tradition;                                   
Told his ministers, "I do love this chore!"                 
                                                            
38526 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old party of Lyme,                             
Who married three wives at one time;                        
When asked, "Why the third?"                                
He replied, "One's absurd,                                  
And bigamy, Sir, is a crime."                               
                                                            
38527 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Anon                P0212



The wedding went well. Very nice.                           
They threw lots of confetti and rice.                       
But at the reception                                        
He revealed his deception,                                  
By confessing to bigamy, twice.                             
                                                            
38528 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Prof                P0212



The bride wept at being so wronged                          
By the man from whom she had longed.                        
But she said he must go                                     
Unless he could show                                        
Proof of being born triple-pronged.                         
                                                            
38529 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Prof                     



The bridegroom just could not do this,                      
So he gave her a last goodbye kiss.                         
When this caused an erection,                               
She withdrew her rejection,                                 
And lived ever after in bliss.                              
                                                            
38530 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Prof                     



A bigamist in self-defense                                  
Said, truly, he'd meant no offense.                         
He was sure that each wife                                  
Was the love of his life,                                   
But fidelity made him too tense.                            
                                                            
38531 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Evelyn Bogen        P9711



To have more than one wife is great;                        
It means you'll have more on your plate;                    
But God pity you                                            
When you've had a few,                                      
One night and then stagger in late!                         
                                                            
38532 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE                                     



It's continually seen on TV,                                
There's more women than men now you see.                    
Some balance I'll make;                                     
More than one wife I'll take;                               
Now, don't you think that's big of me?                      
                                                            
38533 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE                                     



When Dave, four times wed, passed away,                     
His squaws gave his wish their okay.                        
He'd anticipated                                            
They'd all be cremated,                                     
And be quizzed beside him Judgment Day.                     
                                                            
38534 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Ester Koch          P0304



This may well be a gross violation,                         
With the law and stir quite a sensation.                    
I've more than one wife;                                    
This enriches my life;                                      
Same principle as crop rotation.                            
                                                            
38535 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Dirruk                   



Polygamists are a greedy bunch;                             
One wife for breakfast, one for lunch.                      
Any woman who'd share                                       
Just isn't all there.                                       
I'd like to give them a good punch.                         
                                                            
38536 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Marlene                  



I'm interested in polyandry;                                
A whole bunch of men -- married to me!                      
One takes out the trash;                                    
Two brings in the cash;                                     
Guess what I'd do with the other three?                     
                                                            
38537 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Marlene                  



A horny polygamist, Fred,                                   
Spent all of his time in his bed                            
For some twenty-eight days                                  
In a sexual haze,                                           
Screwing all of the girls he had wed.                       
                                                            
38538 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Cap'n Bean          P0212



I am getting married today                                  
But not in a fanciful way;                                  
Just me and my Mrs.                                         
A judge and a witness,                                      
And my new bride with her bouquet                           
                                                            
38539 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Jim Weaver Collection    



After today I soon will be                                  
Arrested for polygamy.                                      
My Mrs. insist-es                                           
I marry her sist-es   (sisters)                             
They were brought up to share that way.                     
                                                            
38540 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Jim Weaver Collection    



It's going to be a long week                                
Of kisses and pecks on the cheek.                           
Three marriages more                                        
My wife has in store;                                       
It's a good thing thatI'm at my peak.                       
                                                            
38541 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Jim Weaver Collection    



When all has been said and been done,                       
I'll have 5 wives, not just one.                            
It broke their mom's heart,                                 
When she heard this part,                                   
For you see I am their mom's son!!                          
                                                            
38542 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old sailor called Mort,                        
Who had a girlfriend in each port.                          
Wives -- he had seven;                                      
Children numbered eleven,                                   
He no longer called this a live sport!                      
                                                            
38543 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Arthur Pattaffy          



Having more than one wife would be rough,                   
When you think of the negative stuff;                       
All the yakking and nagging                                 
And screaming and ragging,                                  
I get from just one is enough!                              
                                                            
38544 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Cap'n Bean          P0212



An exemplary fellow named Rex                               
Was averse to premarital sex.                               
When he went on a date,                                     
He said "Dear, you must wait                                
Like my twenty-nine wives and twelve ex.                    
                                                            
38545 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Graham Lester            



A person with more than one spouse                          
Is known by his mates as a louse;                           
Two dinners each night                                      
"My God, what a fright!"                                    
And who can bear more than one house?                       
                                                            
38546 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Mark Levy           P0212



In the courtroom, he sat there among                        
His two wives, and he tried to be strong.                   
Of polygamy he'd say,                                       
"Ain't that bigamy, eh?"                                    
He found that two rites make a wrong.                       
                                                            
38547 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Kirk Miller              



There once was a fellow named Fetter,                       
Who married each gal when he met her.                       
Why settle for one,                                         
When novelty's fun,                                         
And the kinky ones make it much better.                     
                                                            
38548 MARRIAGE - MULTIPLE            Bob Birch           P0212



Consider the commonplace cantaloupe,                        
Engaged, as it were, to an antelope.                        
Lest friends snicker and smile,                             
They must wed in great style.                               
Now you know why the cantelope can't elope!                 
                                                            
38549 MARRIAGE - NAMES               Boy Pilot                



Were Ella Fitzgerald a dater                                
Of the Dark Side's crusader Darth Vader,                    
Then together they tarried.                                 
And later got married,                                      
She'd inherit the name Ella Vader.                          
                                                            
38550 MARRIAGE - NAMES               Tiddy Ogg                



That wordsmith of France, Emil Zola,                        
Caught sight of Medusa: cried "Ola!"                        
Your head may be snakey                                     
But I've gone all quaky;                                    
Come honey and be Gorgon Zola.                              
                                                            
38551 MARRIAGE - NAMES               Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a dentist named Hale                         
Who went on a trip to Israel.                               
While there as a tourist,                                   
Met a manicurist;                                           
They married and fought tooth and nail.                     
                                                            
38552 MARRIAGE - NAMES               Observer                 



A couple got married in court,                              
On a dog license made out to 'Sport'.                       
The judge called their room                                 
And exclaimed to the groom,                                 
"If you ain't done, don't, it ain't for't.'                 
                                                            
38553 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Joseph Kesselring   P8312



Cried a hot prissy missy named Pringle,                     
"Sex makes certain parts of me tingle!                      
I highly disparage                                          
Any notion of marriage,                                     
For I get better tingle when single!"                       
                                                            
38554 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Grand Prix Lim  976      



There was a young woman of Welwyn,                 (well-in)
Loved a barman, who served in the 'Belwyn'.                 
But the Belwyn, oh dear!                                    
Had a welwin the rear;                                      
So they never got wed, for they felwyn.                     
                                                            
38555 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Anon (Reed)       (Bibby)



An unfortunate groom was Walter,                            
Left standing alone at the altar.                           
The source of the rift,                                     
His pre-nuptual gift;                                       
A bridle and bit and a halter.                              
(Well, it was a bridal shower - McW)                        
38556 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Cyber Geezer             



It's sacrosanct, that marriage vow,                         
Pertaining to husband and sow;                              
Not another I'll prod,                                      
But I swear before God,                                     
Milk's best from an unsacred cow.                           
                                                            
38557 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Mark Levy           P9508



My Beth, I will hold you for life;                          
Through happiness, passion and strife.                      
I will always be there                                      
To stroke your brown hair,                                  
After checking, of course, with my wife.                    
                                                            
38558 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Mike Knotweed            



A nice NAMBY-PAMBY I knew,                                  
Deadlocked in a most surreal stew;                          
He couldn't decide                                          
To pick maid as bride,                                      
So now he's a bachelor, blue.                               
                                                            
38559 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Chris Papa               



He lives with no food on his shelf,                         
A very disgusted old elf;                                   
With no female form                                         
To snuggle near, warm,                                      
He just has to play with himself.                           
                                                            
38560 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Chris Papa               



Said a lady, both luscious and lickable,                    
"By all married men I'm unprickable.                        
I'll only play house                                        
With a man with no spouse!"                                 
So I lied, said, "That's me!"  How despicable!!!            
                                                            
38561 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Barrie Collins           



I have been married but thrice,                             
And I offer you this free advice:                           
Don't take that invite,                                     
Don't stay overnight.                                       
The plural of spouse is spice.                              
                                                            
38562 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Al Willis           P9508



A marriage is great, don't you doubt it;                    
There's so much that's useful about it.                     
For friendship and squeezing,                               
There's nothing more pleasing,                              
But still, if you can, do without it.                       
                                                            
38563 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow named Birch                        
Who fished every day for some perch.                        
At about eventide,                                          
He remembered his bride,                                    
For she waited all day at the church.                       
                                                            
38564 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Albin Chaplin            



I planted some bulbs one Fall day,                          
With dreams of a wedding bouquet.                           
The Spring Flowers I chose                                  
Smelled foul to the nose;                                   
One whiff and the groom ran away.                           
                                                            
38565 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Hunny3                   



"I cannot get married, you see,                             
Till my pa finds a husband for me.                          
My desires grow strong                                      
When I dream of his dong.                                   
How long, oh, how long will it be?"                         
                                                            
38566 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Laurence Perrine    P9407



Said a fussy old bachelor named Harridge,                   
"Connubial life I disparage.                                
Every time I get hot                                        
And poke some girl's spot,                                  
She thinks it's an offer of marriage."                      
                                                            
38567 MARRIAGE - NOT                                     G0086



A good Jewish mamma, most chary,                            
Found her daughter in love most unwary.                     
"What a boy!--but a Goy!                                    
He's a positive joy!                                        
So screw if you must, but don't marry!"                     
(chary - cautious)                                          
38568 MARRIAGE - NOT                                     G1534



There was a young man from Gibralter                        
Who left a young maid at the altar.                         
Some say he went queer;                                     
Others say 'twas the beer;                                  
But the buggers and drunks, they all fault her.             
                                                            
38569 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Bobo                     



He was handsome and age twenty-eight.                       
He said, about marriage, "Let's wait."                      
At first, I was wooed,                                      
And then I was screwed                                      
By the quite fickle finger fo fate.                         
                                                            
38570 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Al Willis           P9508



Said a certain attractive librarian,                        
Who was fairly blase about marryin',                        
"I'll get to housewifery                                    
When through with high-lifery,                              
By which time I will be centenarian.                        
                                                            
38571 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Isaac Asimov             



I know of a bachelor named Fitch,                           
Afflicted with prurient itch;                               
His constant proclivity                                     
For amorous activity                                        
Insures he will never get rich.                             
                                                            
38572 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Armand E Singer       250



Resigned is a bachelor named Kermit;                        
He tells why he lives as a hermit:                          
"I love the long hunt                                       
For fresh female cunt,                                      
But lacked enough dough for the permit.                     
                                                            
38573 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Armand E Singer       532



A haughty young woman named Edna                            
Scorns triflers who want to be bedna.                       
She will say to them, regally,                              
"I demand it all legally,"                                  
But alas, no one plans to be wedna.                         
                                                            
38574 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Isaac Asimov             



An heiress from Abergavenny,                                
Had offers of marriage full many.                           
She surveyed all the men                                    
Very gravely, and then,                                     
Said, "Thanks, but I'm not having any."                     
                                                            
38575 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Anon                     



There was a young lady of Barrie                            
Whom everyone wanted to marry.                              
But Tom made her sick,                                      
And she didn't like Dick,                                   
And a very nith boy cornered Harry.                         
                                                            
38576 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Hugh Oliver           69a



There once was a cowgirl named Harriet                      
Who lassoed her lads with a lariat.                         
She roped quite a lot                                       
But would not tie the knot,                                 
'Cause she wasn't quite ready to marry yet.                 
                                                            
38577 MARRIAGE - NOT                 John Eggerton       P0104



A Charlottetown matron, offended                            
At meeting her daughter's intended,                         
Said, "No, he won't do,                                     
His nose isn't blue;                                        
The marriage is not recommended!"                           
                                                            
38578 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Mary Ringland,Manotick29b



The senorita, Marie, was Bolivian;                          
Her boyfriend, from England, was Vivian.                    
This did not please her mother,                             
So to save further bother,                                  
They rode off in the night -- to oblivion.                  
                                                            
38579 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady from Barrie,                         
Her hair-do was frightfully hairy.                          
Her face was behind it,                                     
But no one could find it.                                   
Consequently she never did marry.                           
                                                            
38580 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Albin Chaplin            



Marriage can be too over-rated,                             
And divorce makes it seem out-dated.                        
Screw "only" my wife                                        
For the rest of my life?                                    
No thanks!  I'll remain unrelated!                          
                                                            
38581 MARRIAGE - NOT                                          



There's nothing like living in sin                          
If you've got a nice place to live in.                      
Not to mention a gal                                        
Who is more than a pal,                                     
With a hole that just fits your pin.                        
                                                            
38582 MARRIAGE - NOT                                     G0184



By wives many men are demented,                             
Deceived and abused and tormented.                          
So I say, men, beware,                                      
And avoid this despair --                                   
Why own the damn thing, you can rent it.                    
                                                            
38583 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2015



There was a young man from Innsmouth,                       
Who cheerfully plighted his troth                           
To a series of wives,                                       
And their nuptual dives                                     
Were the scandalous talk of the South!                      
                                                            
38584 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Johnathan Burns          



Those things that give most women fits,                     
Are the things with the mobile bits.                        
They are testicular                                         
Or maybe vehicular;                                         
Related to men, the sweet shits.                            
                                                            
38585 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Marlene Lewis            



Get a dog that will grumble and roar,                       
And a tom-cat to stay out till four --                      
A parrot to curse and drink,                                
And what do you think?                                      
You'll feel like you're married once more!                  
                                                            
38586 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Kaylin Brandon           



But after your man's upped and gone,                        
Upon you it slowly will dawn,                               
As you're reaming your end                                  
With your vibrating friend,                                 
Dildoes cannot mow the lawn!                                
                                                            
38587 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Caton                    



An obstinate lady of Leicester                              
Wouldn't marry her swain, though he pressed her;            
For his income, I fear,                                     
Was a hundred a year,                                       
On which he could never have dress her.                     
                                                            
38588 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Anon (Reed)       (Bibby)



A woman whose name was Marie                                
Was engaged to be married at three,                         
But a terrible flu                                          
Brought her death, around two,                              
And her wedding was never to be.                            
                                                            
38589 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Cap'n Bean          P0101



Even though single again,                                   
I find that I've not lost the yen                           
For affection, etc.;                                        
I think nothing's better; a                                 
Las for me!  Where are the men?                             
                                                            
38590 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Robin K. Willoughby P8405



Said an ardent bridegroom named Trask,                      
"I will grant any boon that you ask.                        
Said his bride, "Fuck me, dearie,                           
Until I grow weary."                                        
He died of old age at the task.                             
                                                            
38591 MARRIAGE - NOT                                          



When Daddy and Mum got quite plastered,                     
And their shame had been thoroughly mastered,               
They told their boy, Harry:                                 
"Son, we never did marry.                                   
But don't tell the neighbors, you bastard."                 
                                                            
38592 MARRIAGE - NOT                 Anon                G0161



Once a hapless young bridegroom called Jake                 
Had a shock that few mortals could take.                    
He was feeling quite hearty,                                
At his bachelor party,                                      
When his mother jumped out of the cake!                     
                                                            
38593 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Graham Lester            



In St James Church, Episcopal, housed,                      
The Bishop himself had espoused,                            
That despite two divorces,                                  
Which happened perforce, as                                 
The one to've been full deloused.                           
                                                            
38594 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



So then Liam, do you take wee Hilde                         
To have and to hold and to build a                          
New family with?                                            
(I giggled forthwith).                                      
"Sure I do, as I've already tolled ya!"                     
                                                            
38595 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



And now Hilde, do you take wee Liam                         
To have and to hold and be t'im    (to him)                 
A wife, as of old?"                                         
"And I've already told                                      
You I do, so now let me see 'im!"                           
                                                            
38596 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



"I hereby pronunciate you                                   
To be man and wife.  You get to                             
Now kiss your new bride."                                   
So I filled with pride,                                     
Puckered up and applied my big lip to!"                     
                                                            
38597 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



When at last they peeled us off the floor,                  
We bolted straight out through the door.                    
Then turned north by northeast,                             
Pausing not in the least,                                   
'Til we're safe at the swamp, to be sure.                   
                                                            
38598 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



Being on the twenty-third of June,                          
Both Liam and I were in tune.                               
"Jug of Punch," we all sang,                                
But it was with a twang,                                    
Then we sobered up ere it was noon.                         
                                                            
38599 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



While waiting, I played the piano,                          
Or tried to, until a soprano                                
Poked her head in the door,                                 
then an alto, then more.                                    
So I quit 'til the service began.                           
                                                            
38600 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



The vows were as Liam had written,                          
And more that would never here fit in.                      
As we left, grabbing food --                                
So we wouldn't be rude,                                     
We drank punch, as is only befittin'.                       
                                                            
38601 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



Though flash-floods they all had predicted,                 
North-northeast, again, I directed                          
My 'Cruiser to speed,                                       
And to give no laws heed,                                   
Till we got to a haven, protected.                          
                                                            
38602 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



We poked our nose into the mountains                        
And found them to be full of fountains,                     
Mountain nymphs and wee folk,                               
Or our own kind and woke                                    
Very often just after a-mountin'.                           
                                                            
38603 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



The Poconos were dry as the dust,                           
So we supped at a cafe which was just                       
'Neath Lakawanna Hotel.                                     
And I proclaimed, "Hell,                                    
I wanna -- in that you can trust."                          
                                                            
38604 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



We left our own room once or twice,                         
As we figured that it would be nice                         
To give chambermaids time                                   
To clean and degrime                                        
Our bedclothes and towels, of rice.                         
                                                            
38605 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



The trip up and back found no rain,                         
Till we'd entered once more our domain.                     
Then it dropped a few drops                                 
Just to water our crops,                                    
And to rinse spiders out of the drain.                      
                                                            
38606 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Hilde na Baeg            



We slept on a clear mountain high,                          
And woke -- not a cloud floating by.                        
We arose twice a day                                        
Whether needed or nay,                                      
To eat, drink, and walk under sky.                          
                                                            
38607 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Liam na Baeg             



We ate at a place where a train                             
Circled o'er our heads like a refrain.                      
We ate and drank long                                       
As it filled us with song,                                  
Telling tales 'til retiring again.                          
                                                            
38608 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Liam na Baeg             



We saw there an "East" that was pretty;                     
A thing you don't see in the city;                          
Or down in the swamp,                                       
Where sometimes we stomp                                    
The wild scenic part of this ditty.                         
                                                            
38609 MARRIAGE - PARTY               Liam na Baeg             



Said a cautious young fellow named Geist,                   
"Mother warned me 'gainst getting enticed,                  
But now that I've fucked your                               
Well-muscled substructure,                                  
I believe it's okay to get spliced.                         
                                                            
38610 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Armand E Singer       185



'Twas the ride of their lives I must say,                   
So he asked, "Could we marry today?"                        
She said, "Sure, grab your shoes,                           
Your socks, and that booze.                                 
We just might not come back this way."                      
                                                            
38611 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Loren C Fitzhugh    P9711



As he told a young lady from Fife                           
That she was the joy of his life,                           
After dinner one night                                      
By pale candle light                                        
He asked if she'd be his first wife.                        
                                                            
38612 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           A. N. Wilkins       P8405



"If you'll marry me, dear, in the spring,                   
You'll please me and make my heart sing.                    
I can get started now                                       
If you'll lend me a thou.                                   
I'll go out and buy you a ring."                            
                                                            
38613 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Al Willis           P9711



A forward young fellow, a Pole,                             
Proposed to his girl on a stroll;                           
Mirabile dictu                                              
He's mighty dam quick, too,                                 
And soon had his thing in her hole.                         
                                                            
38614 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Armand E Singer       124



There was a young fellow of Byoolie,                        
Who loved a fair maiden most truly.                         
Said he, "Wilt thou be mine?"                               
When she didn't decline,                                    
The wedding was solemnized duly.                            
                                                            
38615 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Anon (Reed)              



There was a young lady of Eton,                             
Whose bottom had plenty of meat on.                         
She said, "Marry me, Jack,                                  
And you'll find that my back-                               
Side's a nice place to warm your cold feet on."             
                                                            
38616 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS                                    



Oh, Lydia, now come be my wife,                             
I love you much more than my life.                          
If we can't elope                                           
Then how will I cope -                                      
Let's fuck now, without all that strife!                    
                                                            
38617 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS                                    



I knew a shy student named Drew                             
Who, to a goose, would never say boo.                       
He was as happy as Larry,                                   
When the girl he would marry,                               
Said, in reply to his question, I do!                       
                                                            
38618 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Arthur Pattaffy          



When Robert from someplace down under,                      
Met his sweet Anne it was no blunder.                       
To his Irish Rose                                           
The Aussie proposed,                                        
And she couldn't speak, it so stunned her.                  
                                                            
38619 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Jim Weaver Collection    



Larry King said, "When feeling up tight,                    
I rehearse wedding offers all night.                        
My eighth straight proposal                                 
I've at my disposal,                                        
Since it's marriage, I can't just get right.                
                                                            
38620 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



Why dammit, I'm still in my bed,                            
But I'll answer it; maybe it's Fred.                        
Hey Myfanwy!  It's you!                                     
Can it really be true?                                      
And you what!  You now want to get wed?                     
                                                            
38621 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Peter Wilkins            



But listen, sweet love of my life,                          
You know well that you can't be my wife                     
'Til you've moved from Llanfair-                            
Wotsit-gogoch...you're where?                               
Goodness gracious!  You've moved up to Fife?                
                                                            
38622 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Peter Wilkins            



Myfanwy, you know I adore                                   
You, but Scotland?  Oh dear, I'm not sure                   
I could wed you up there...                                 
Yes, I know... I'm aware                                    
I've made promises.  How many?  Four?                       
                                                            
38623 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Peter Wilkins            



But listen Myfanwy, my dear,                                
I'm allergic to thistles, I fear.                           
No, it's not an excuse;                                     
Will you stop your abuse,                                   
Girl, your screeching is hurting my...<click>               
                                                            
38624 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Peter Wilkins            



So now I am just on the run.                                
Perhaps in her oven's a bun.                                
Her dad hollers "Dang me,                                   
Some cad's got Myfanwy                                      
Expecting a daughter or son.                                
                                                            
38625 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Tiddy Ogg                



"Hey lover!" <grunt> "Peter?" <groan> "Jeeze!!              
What the fuck are you doing?" <grunt wheeze>                
Bloody hell; it's Myfanwy!                                  
<ahh, jeezus!> Look can we                                  
Discuss this tomorrow?  Oh, please!                         
                                                            
38626 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS                                    



When Rosie was dating young Fritz,                          
Her father was pleased, he admits.                          
He said, "Fritz, you are grand,                             
Would you care for her hand?"                               
Fritz said, "No, just her cunt and her tits."               
                                                            
38627 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Albin Chaplin   3024-0454



Said the lovely young lady named Sue,                       
"John, before I tell you that I do;                         
I have to confess                                           
That I've often said yes,                                   
But as missus this is my debut."                            
                                                            
38628 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Mark Levy           P9711



A cemetary owner, Sinclair,                                 
Proposed marriaage to a lady fair.                          
He made a vow,                                              
Starting right now,                                         
He would give her perpetual care.                           
                                                            
38629 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Tom Patton          P9711



There is this girl we all know,                             
More beautiful than fresh-fallen snow.                      
She's loving and kind,                                      
Much better than fine;                                      
She's one in a trillion or so.                              
                                                            
38630 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           David Moore              



Now there is this lad named Dave                            
Who is quite a witty young knave.                           
He met this girl;                                           
His head's in a whirl;                                      
And now it's her love he does crave.                        
                                                            
38631 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           David Moore              



What I am trying to say, very clearly,                      
Elizabeth, I love you dearly.                               
Will you be mine                                            
For all of the time?                                        
I mean all of this quite sincerely.                         
                                                            
38632 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           David Moore              



I asked her to wed. She said "No!"                          
I asked her again. She said "So!                            
You won't take my answer!                                   
Then put on your pants, sir!                                
Get off my divan, sir, and go!"                             
                                                            
38633 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Lance Payne         P8405



An old chap who lived at Bridgewater                        
Had a bit of a wag for a daughter.                          
And one day she said,                                       
"I think I'll get wed."                                     
"Yes," grunted the old bloke, "You oughter."                
                                                            
38634 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           John Blyth               



An old chap who lived at Bridgewater                        
Had a bit of a wag for a daughter.                          
And one day she said,                                       
"Dad, I think I'll get wed!"                                
"Yes," grunted the bloke, "You had aughter."                
                                                            
38635 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           John Blyth               



When she drinks, she says, "Cheers, bottoms up."            
She's not old, but she isn't a pup.                         
As I fondled her knee,                                      
I said, "Please marry me."                                  
All she could say then, was "Yup."                          
                                                            
38636 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Al Willis           P9711



I've no hubby -- therefore no strife;                       
I am quite content with my life.                            
Except this house mess                                      
Which causes distress;                                      
So, you know, I would like a wife!                          
                                                            
38637 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS                                    



Someone who will sew, clean and cook;                       
Will bring me my slippers and book.                         
Who'll feed me good food;                                   
Won't mind when I'm crude;                                  
Makes my house a nice cozy nook.                            
                                                            
38638 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS                                    



Sally's dad came to call in the night;                      
In his hand was a shotgun, all white.                       
He said to me, "Son                                         
Kindly notice this gun:                                     
The service will be at first light."                        
(A formal weeding, the shotgun was painted white - McW)     
38639 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           John Miller 0040         



After spending the night in his bed,                        
She proposed that they ought to get wed.                    
He laughed. "Married? To you?"                              
But he mumbled "I do,"                                      
With her father's shotgun at his head.                      
                                                            
38640 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           William N Nesbit   P9711 



She searched for a gentleman who'd                          
Delight in her warm, sexy mood.                             
Her breasts were exposed,                                   
And then he proposed,                                       
And now she is sure to get screwed.                         
                                                            
38641 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Al Willis           P9711



An old man by the name of O'Doul                            
Was sure he was nobodys fool.                               
He proposed to a lass                                       
With a tight little ass,                                    
Fell over and started to drool.                             
                                                            
38642 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Tom Patton          P9711



In the seventies Allen met Joyce;                           
He said, "You are really quite noice.                       
Come let us wed,                                            
Then I'll take you to bed,                                  
For lunch, Honey, you are my choice.                        
                                                            
38643 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Tiddy Ogg                



A girl whose passions were surgin'                          
Proposed to young Virgil, a virgin.                         
His reluctant way                                           
Caused her to pray                                          
That Virgil's on the verge of mergin'.                      
                                                            
38644 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Tom Patton          P9711



"Let's marry," suggested Ms. Hawn,                          
"My options are almost gone;                                
A dildo is cold,                                            
Cucumbers grow mold,                                        
And a vibrator can't mow the lawn."                         
                                                            
38645 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Ed Potts            P8606



A young lass from near to Ardkerair                         
Whose body had plenty of meat there.                        
She said: "Marry me fast,                                   
And you'll find that my ass                                 
Is the spot for to warm your cold feet there."              
                                                            
38646 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Linda Marsh Coll         



I think you're a quite lovely lady,                         
And I think that I love you, dear Sadie.                    
If you'll marry me now,                                     
And help pull the plow,                                     
We can sell our old ox; what say, matey?                    
                                                            
38647 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Al Willis                



MacIver, tall, handsome, well-built,                        
So dashing when dressed to the hilt,                        
Asked Meg, "Will ye wed me?"                                
She replied, "When ye bed me,                               
Will ye show me what's underrr yerrr kilt?"                 
                                                            
38648 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Evelyn Bogen        P9711



I proposed and I tried to unclad her;                       
She smiled and she felt a lot gladder.                      
Well, to cut to the chase,                                  
The wedding took place,                                     
And now I am wiser but sadder.                              
                                                            
38649 MARRIAGE - PROPOSALS           Al Willis           P9711



A young lady and old Uncle Pellum                           
Had their marriage recorded on vellum.                      
But as time did progress                                    
They were forced to assess                                  
Their single days as antebellum.                            
                                                            
38650 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



A six foot seven woman named Ann                            
Proposed to a midget named Dan.                             
In bed first they kissed,                                   
Then insertion was missed.                                  
The trouble's the length of the span.                       
(should have used a bucket - McW)                           
38651 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tom Patton          P9711



I married a man, looked like Newt;                          
Though he turned out a horrible brute.                      
He might still be here                                      
With me calling him dear,                                   
If only he'd been born a mute.                              
                                                            
38652 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The bride to the groom did express                          
Her sad tale of woe and distress,                           
"I've had men in my bed."                                   
But the groom simply said,                                  
"I have also had men, I confess."                           
                                                            
38653 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0917



While I travel, my wife in Biloxi                           
Enjoys acting just like a cheap doxy;                       
With young soldiers and tars,                               
She picks up in bars,                                       
She avers that she loves me by proxy.                       
                                                            
38654 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Ward Hardman             



Oh boys I wished I were rich.                               
Last week I went on the fritz                               
And it ended in shagging;                                   
Now my wife keeps on nagging;                               
There is no way I can ditch the bitch.                      
                                                            
38655 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



A young foundry worker named Bragg                          
Was blessed with a wife that did nag.                       
And yet he did not mind                                     
Till one day he did find                                    
She could not tell the cope from the drag.                  
(?)                                                         
38656 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Albin Chaplin            



A clear thinking fellow was Chape;                          
He married a girl like an ape.                              
He said in the main                                         
He would never complain                                     
As long as her cunt stayed in shape.                        
                                                            
38657 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0080



"Doctor, a short life I fear!"                              
Well don't fret; give up smoking and beer.                  
And stop sex with your wife."                               
"Will that lengthen my life?"                               
"It will make a day seem like a year."                      
                                                            
38658 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Mike Dale                



The sex life her husband dreamed of,                        
She considered herself far above.                           
He craved osculation                                        
And then copulation! --                                     
She wanted to kiss and make love.                           
                                                            
38659 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Laurence Perrine    P8705



A weeding's announced: give three cheers?                   
Perhaps, but I do have my fears.                            
The vows they will take,                                    
But just like the cake,                                     
I fear it may all end in tiers.                             
                                                            
38660 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tiddy Ogg                



On a holiday trip to Lake Placid,                           
The girl fell in love with a Hassid.  (pious Jewish sect)   
On the night of their wedding,                              
Bitter tears she was shedding,                              
'Cause the hassid from placid was flaccid.                  
                                                            
38661 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



I was playing with my brother Fred,                         
When Momma came to me and said:                             
"I can't stand this fly!                                    
They've all got to die!                                     
Get a hammer, there's one on Dad's head."                   
                                                            
38662 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tiddy Ogg                



In their split-level, under a tree,                         
They're throwing the best crockery.                         
If your calling this                                        
Matrimonial bliss,                                          
Well, by God, you could have fooled me.                     
                                                            
38663 MARRIAGE - SAD                 VOL 7                    



She's eighty, but I have no shame;                          
I shall marry this haggard old dame.                        
Consummation?  Okay;                                        
Maybe once on the day                                       
That her billion dollars I'll claim.                        
                                                            
38664 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Peter Wilkins            



Those beauties?...I could wed a bevy,                       
But I'll tie the knot with that heavy                       
Old girl from San'tone.   (San Antonio, Texas, USA)         
Then I'll rightly own                                       
The title to her vintage Chevy.                             
('57 two-door, black with yellow fins, black leather inside)
38665 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Travis Brasell           



It's as easy to love a rich man                             
As to love a poor one; and you can                          
Have so much more fun                                       
With the wealthier one.                                     
Just don't sign the pre-nuptual plan!                       
                                                            
38666 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Kaylin                   



To his bride, the angry groom said, "Pish!                  
Your cunt is a big as a dish!"                              
She replied, "Oh you fool,                                  
With your limp little tool,                                 
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"                      
                                                            
38667 MARRIAGE - SAD                                     L0216



My wife has a problem or three;                             
She would have, being married to me.                        
It's the kids that vex her,                                 
And often perplex her,                                      
But I get the blame paternally.                             
                                                            
38668 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tony Burrell             



My boy, don't get married too soon.                         
To do it's the act of a loon.                               
It's all right to play                                      
In the great month of May,                                  
But a wedding takes place in Jejune.                        
(jejune - hungry or without significance)                   
38669 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady of Zion,                             
Looked around for a shoulder to cry on.                     
So she married a spouse                                     
From a very old house                                       
And started to cry on the scion.                            
                                                            
38670 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



He said "Wait, darling."  Waiting for what?                 
That he's leaving the housecleaning twat?                   
Sue knows pretty damn well                                  
That it's first freezing hell,                              
Ere he leaves an arrangement like that.                     
                                                            
38671 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



He said "Patience, my love, I can't leave                   
Her, I owe her so much," but deceive-                       
Ing that stupid old tart                                    
Doesn't worry his heart,                                    
And Sue finds things more hard to believe.                  
                                                            
38672 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



He said "Love, don't want her to get hurt,"                 
When they couldn't meet, fourth time or third.              
So the pain Sue does feel,                                  
Must be something unreal,                                   
Nonexistent and pretty absurd.                              
                                                            
38673 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



He said - Oh, I forgot what he said                         
But Sue knows that she's truly been had.                    
Should she send him back now                                
To be milked as a cow,                                      
Live-in's pension fund?  Sue's feeling sad.                 
                                                            
38674 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



Sue is obviously young and naive;                           
That she really went out to believe                         
That her love, fresh and true,                              
Would be worth something.  You                              
Know of course: There are things you don't leave.           
                                                            
38675 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



A talkative wife had old Tucker;                            
It was too late in life just to shuck her.                  
So he let the bitch speak                                   
Till the end of the week,                                   
Then he'd tape up her lips and he'd fuck her.               
                                                            
38676 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Albin Chaplin            



Forget all that romantic prose;                             
In marriage the money just goes.                            
So don't ever forget,                                       
That you'll end up in debt,                                 
And your wife will end up with new clothes.                 
                                                            
38677 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Bob Birch                



When the husband came in from the garage,                   
He vented his spleen with a barrage:                        
"Since you smash into sticks                                
All my conjuring tricks,                                    
The magic's gone out of our marriage.                       
                                                            
38678 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tiddy                    



Dr. Laura has offered some ways                             
For young couples to resolve their frays.                   
We don't go to bed mad,                                     
But we haven't had                                          
Any sleep for the last seven days.                          
                                                            
38679 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Jumping Jack             



There once was a girl named Darva,                          
Who thought a fortune she could carva,                      
By marriage on TV,                                          
To a guy from Cali;                                         
Who was really a fine piece of larva.                       
                                                            
38680 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



Said saddened old Mr McGhee,                                
"My wife is just awful to me!                               
Just getting my oats                                        
Is costing mink coats;                                      
When unmarried, I got it for free."                         
                                                            
38681 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Frank                    



There was a young housewife of Ayr,                         
Whose husband's homecomings were rare.                      
Had he danced on her chest                                  
She'd have felt quite at rest,                              
For at least she'd have known he was there.                 
                                                            
38682 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Linda Marsh Coll         



I find geneology crap,                                      
'Cause no one is sure of their Pap.                         
The error potential                                         
Is near exponential;                                        
A huge credibility gap.                                     
                                                            
38683 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tiddy                    



Vowed a gallant of old Philadelphia                         
To his bride, "I will battle through helphia!"              
But alas, with the dawn                                     
And the honeymoon gone,                                     
They prefer easy living on welphia.                         
                                                            
38684 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Keith MacMillan     A103A



You know why to marry is neat?                              
My grandmother said (I'll repeat),                          
"Two can, my grandson,                                      
Live as cheaply as one,                                     
If one of you just doesn't eat."                            
                                                            
38685 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Bob Birch                



I heard from a man in Kilkenny,                             
That bigamy's one wife too many.                            
Monogamy too                                                
Is the same, that is true,                                  
It's better, lad, not to have any.                          
                                                            
38686 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



There was a young man from Bolivia,                         
Who married a girl named Olivia.                            
The whole world praised the name                            
Of this man of great fame,                                  
But Olivia could only think trivia.                         
                                                            
38687 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Albin Chaplin            



There once was a man made of plastic,                       
Whose wife was both tranquil and spastic.                   
"If this manic-depressive                                   
Wasn't sexually repressive,                                 
I could turn myself into elastic."                          
                                                            
38688 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A husband who with his wife squabbles,                      
Over purchase of flea market baubles,                       
May find that it wrecks                                     
Her desire for sex                                          
That evening, and brings collywobbles!                      
                                                            
38689 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Observer                 



The pain that he'll get in his gut,                         
Can leave his sex-life in a rut;                            
To take such a chance                                       
And stifle romance,                                         
He'd have to be some kind of nut.                           
                                                            
38690 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Observer                 



A spritely young fellow named Sprat,                        
Wed a gal who was homely and fat.                           
On their consumate night,                                   
He got such a fright,                                       
No one's seen Sprat since that.                             
                                                            
38691 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



Now Dimitra's known as Dim                                  
With a waistline that's totally trim.                       
But her man has decreed                                     
He'll sow no more seed,                                     
She's lamenting her unemployed quim.                        
                                                            
38692 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



I feel much remorse for your spouse;                        
Feel bad that he married a louse,                           
But not like he feels,                                      
MISSING LINK IN HIGH HEELS,                                 
Runaway now and hide like a mouse!                          
                                                            
38693 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



A stoical fellow named Clyde                                
Revealed why he took on a bride,                            
For he needed a spouse                                      
To take care of the house,                                  
As he got all his screwing outside.                         
                                                            
38694 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1997



There was an old man from Cape Verde                        
Who had trouble saying the word                             
Depicting the strife                                        
He had with his wife,                                       
Since she's much better seen than heard.                    
                                                            
38695 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Harry Rubin         P9211



Rich married a real "hum-dinger".                           
She ran off with country singer.                            
She left him quite poor;                                    
He is rich no more;                                         
She got the ring, he got the finger.                        
                                                            
38696 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Ron Sartain              



Sir Pudluster missed a just slaughter,                      
For seducing the Duke's virgin daughter;                    
He was dragged to the castle,                               
Where the Duke said "You ass'le!                            
You broke it, here's a ring, you just bought her!"          
                                                            
38697 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



"Sixteen wives is the limit," said Perse,                   
The vicar, "Four better, four worse,                        
Four poorer, four richer;                                   
But a serial hitcher                                        
Doing such things is perverse."                             
                                                            
38698 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tiddy Ogg                



A writer of fiction named Dickens                           
Said, "Here folks is where the plot thickens;               
My hero hates fat                                           
So very much that                                           
He marries the slimmest of pickin's."                       
                                                            
38699 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Armand E Singer       818



There once was a man from Taipei                            
Whose wife was always away.                                 
Those times she was home,                                   
He gave her the bone,                                       
And she'd smile as she went away.                           
                                                            
38700 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Anon                     



If you ask why some husbands regret                         
Having married the girls whom they met,                     
Think of this, if you will,                                 
Every day some wives still                                  
Have husbands they'd rather forget.                         
                                                            
38701 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Warrick Elrod            



Said a suitor, "It's now clear to me                        
That your spouse in no way can I be.                        
You've had husbands galore,                                 
And though you've divorced four,                            
It still leaves you married to three.                       
                                                            
38702 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Warrick Elrod       P0212



I met, on my way to St. Ives,                               
A man with a number of wives.                               
Each wife had a lot                                         
Of kids -- and know what?                                   
Wherever he goes, that man jives.                           
                                                            
38703 MARRIAGE - SAD                                          



If you marry one wife, that's monotony;                     
But with several, all nagging, polyphony.                   
So take my advice                                           
And always think twice,                                     
Before making promise on your knee.                         
                                                            
38704 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tiddy Ogg                



The elm tree inspector, dressed neat,                       
Advised a young fellow named Pete,                          
No dead wood should he store,                               
So Pete opened the door                                     
And he threw his wife out in the street.                    
                                                            
38705 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2725



A truly important event --                                  
Find a mate who will keep you content.                      
There's not time to waste                                   
If you marry in haste;                                      
You'll have plenty of time to repent.                       
                                                            
38706 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Al Chaplin          P9711



A young fellow who was celibate                             
Decided he needed a mate.                                   
What he got was a shrew,                                    
And what she put him through                                
Made him long for his bachelor state.                       
                                                            
38707 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Warrick Elrod            



An impotent Scot named MacDougall,                          
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.                     
He was gathering semen                                      
To engender a he-man,                                       
By screwing his wife through a bugle.                       
                                                            
38708 MARRIAGE - SAD                                     L0318



A newly-wed hopeful named Dunn                              
Claimed two live as cheaply as one,                         
But halving his rations                                     
Sure weakened his passions,                                 
Plus living off garbage ain't fun.                          
                                                            
38709 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Armant Singer            



In Africa, women are wed                                    
To men who are strangers, it's said.                        
It's the same over here,                                    
And I am sincere.                                           
You single folks, please use your head.                     
                                                            
38710 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Al Willis           P9702



The worse of the marriage fixtures                          
Are its old-time monogamous strictures.                     
When my wife won't be goosed,                               
I am sadly reduced                                          
To looking a good dirty pictures.                           
                                                            
38711 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Jim Weaver Collection    



You marry, and while things are new,                        
You swear that you'll always be true.                       
But then things go wrong,                                   
And you sing this song:                                     
Hooray for the wed, blight, and rue.                        
                                                            
38712 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Tiddy Ogg                



A lady with manners superior                                
Was divorcing her husband, inferior,                        
On the grounds than when once                               
She had screamed at him, "Dunce!"                           
He'd said, "Shut up, you horse's posterior!"                
                                                            
38713 MARRIAGE - SAD                 Barbara Tabler      P9110



A truculent wife known as Shirley,                          
Whose attitude was all harsh and surly,                     
Said, "My best excuse                                       
For spousal abuse                                           
Is...mornings always come too early!                        
                                                            
38714 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Observer                 



"For a husband who's sexually wired,                        
I can't seem to get too inspired.                           
My attitude's sour                                          
'Cause he needs a shower,                                   
My head hurts and frankly, I'm tired!"                      
                                                            
38715 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Observer                 



Just before nudist wedding began,                           
Future bride said, "There is change of plan!"               
FORTUITOUS glance                                           
Inspired new romance.                                       
It was easy to spot the best man.                           
                                                            
38716 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Observer                 



The truth of your story allowed,                            
The bride who was duly avowed,                              
Chose the man, who,                                         
When he came into view                                      
Was clearly the one best endowed.                           
                                                            
38717 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Chris Papa               



It started with billing and cooing,                         
And that led me on to a wooing.                             
But when we were wed,                                       
The cooing stopped dead,                                    
And the billing became my undoing.                          
                                                            
38718 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Laurence Perrine    P8809



There once was an indigent bursar,                          
Whose wife was a swearer and curser.                        
So when she would start,                                    
To fume and to fart,                                        
He would the the fart bitch...and vice versa!               
                                                            
38719 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



Your idea for a gift is quite splendid,                     
Though ear-plugs are not recommended.                       
The groom'd be content,                                     
But the bride might resent                                  
Such gift which could leave her offended.                   
                                                            
38720 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Observer                 



I'm sure that it's needless to mention                      
That wife like to have full attention                       
Of mate when she's talking,                                 
Or he'll soon be walking                                    
The floor due to sexual suspension!                         
                                                            
38721 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Observer                 



They asked a lion tamer from Fife                           
What he thought on those days of his life                   
When with whip and with frown                               
He faced a beast down.                                      
"I pretended each one was my wife."                         
                                                            
38722 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        A. N. Wilkins       P8711



There was a young lady of Condover,                         
Whose husband had ceased to be fond of her.                 
He could not forget,            (Her pussy was juicy,)      
He had wooed a brunette,        (Her ass soft and goosey,)  
But peroxide had now made a blonde of her.                  
                                                            
38723 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



The widow of Ballinalickey,                                 
Was married eight times and was tricky.                     
When she led without falter                                 
Young Mike to the altar,                                    
They sang "Him" Number Nine for poor Mickey.                
                                                            
38724 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



Late was Harry one night to his house.                      
Yet, being as quiet as a mouse,                             
Laid his caution aside,                                     
Thereby catching it wide...                                 
A frying pan swung by his spouse.                           
                                                            
38725 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Grizz                    



A frustrated bride of Seattle                               
Grew bored with his husbandly prattle                       
And baring her person,                                      
Was inwardly cursin',                                       
"If this doesn't work, maybe that'll."                      
                                                            
38726 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Keith MacMillan     A120C



A bridegroom at Niagara Falls,                              
His fate was so sad, it appalls;                            
His bride wouldn't fuck him,                                
Or hand-job or suck him--                                   
He went nuts and bit off both his balls.                    
                                                            
38727 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                            L1202



A newlywed fellow named Schickel                            
Attempted his darling to tickle.                            
He could not touch her teats                                
While she pickled her beets,                                
Which left Schickel to beat on his pickle.                  
                                                            
38728 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Albin Chaplin   3024-1898



A lady there was in Antigua                                 
Who said to her spouse, "What a pigua."                     
He answered, "My queen,                                     
Is it manners you mean,                                     
Or do you refer to my figua?"                               
                                                            
38729 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Anon                     



Being sixty years old, the bridegroom                       
Found his 20-year-old bride deep in gloom,                  
And said, "Dear, my money                                   
Takes the place of sex, Honey,                              
Which is okay with you, I presume."                         
                                                            
38730 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Grand Prix Lim  237      



A fat, sloppy, housewife named Fran,                        
Had no luck in inspsiring her man.                          
She should learn the trick                                  
Of a little more spic,                                      
And maybe a little less span!                               
                                                            
38731 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Pascha Brown             



Mary Ann was the youngest in the clan;                      
She's always left to "carry the can".                       
When the girls were all wed,                                
Dad was left "in the red."                                  
She's no choice but to wed a rich man.                      
                                                            
38732 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Arthur Pattaffy          



A girl who loved pets was Miss Bunky;                       
She married a vapid young flunky.                           
With her dogs he would fiddle,                              
And her sheep he would diddle,                              
But he never would play with her monkey.                    
                                                            
38733 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Albin Chaplin   3024-1124



Frisky in bed as a colt                                     
Was youthful ace golfer Tom Bolt.                           
But after his lay up,                                       
He'd come in a small cup,                                   
Driving his wife to revolt.                                 
                                                            
38734 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



A nearsighted fellow named Walter,                          
Led a glamorized lass to the altar;                         
A beauty he thought her,                                    
Till some soap and water,                                   
Made her look like the Rock of Gibraltar.                   
                                                            
38735 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Anon                     



There was a young lady from Ryde,                           
Who a sailor took on for a bride.                           
It wasn't the sailor,                                       
Who managed to nail her,                                    
But the semen inside her insides.                           
                                                            
38736 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



There's a vaporish maiden in New Kew                        
Who longed for the love of a Hutu.                          
But she had to resort                                       
To a clerk of the court,                                    
By comparison though, who's well-to-do.                     
                                                            
38737 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Arthur Deex         P0202



There's a vaporish maid in Butte Key                        
Who longed for the love of a Tutsi.                         
But she had to make do                                      
With an anorexic Hindu,                                     
And became his, what we call, tootsie-wootsie.              
                                                            
38738 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Arthur Deex         P0202



Does your wife always nag and complain                      
When she's out of her kitchen domain.                       
The best thing to do                                        
Is not hide in the loo,                                     
But shorten the length of her chain!                        
                                                            
38739 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        H Myers            TP9802



There was a young lady of Harriage,                         
Who behaved very bad at her marriage.                       
She proceeded on skates,                                    
To the parish church gates,                                 
While her friends followed on in a carriage.                
                                                            
38740 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



Martina needs orgasms badly                                 
But Joseph her husband is sadly                             
Deficient in size                                           
And technique; no surprise                                  
That she diddles her middle bits madly.                     
                                                            
38741 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man from Angora,                          
Who married--for richer or poorer.                          
He had not been long wed,                                   
When he fell out of bed,                                    
And said, "Drat, I have married a snorer!"                  
                                                            
38742 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



I used to adore Isadora;                                    
To marry me I would implore her.                            
But when we were wed,                                       
And all night shared a bed,                                 
I found out too late -- she's a snorer!                     
                                                            
38743 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Jim Weaver Collection    



I know an old lady 'bout fifty;                             
All her adult life she had been thrifty.                    
But it must be said                                         
That the man that she wed                                   
Was worthless; a rotter and shifty!                         
                                                            
38744 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a woman of Churston                          
Who thought her third husband the worst 'un;                
For he justly was reckoned                                  
Far worse than the second,                                  
And her second was worse than the first 'un.                
(apologies to the several Charleses - McW)                  
38745 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        Explosion of Limericks   



Responsible wife owners should                              
Trade them in when they are no good.                        
And make sure they sign                                     
On the bottom-most line,                                    
That financials are all understood.                         
                                                            
38746 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE                                 



A mechanic who married a shrew,                             
Got her tamed in a minute or two.                           
He just took out his kit,                                   
And fiddled a bit.                                          
All it took was a turn of the screw.                        
                                                            
38747 MARRIAGE - SAD - FEMALE        John Ciardi              



Thirteen, and I happened to mention                         
To Sally about my extension.                                
She squealed in delight                                     
And for years every night,                                  
She would give it her fullest attention.                    
                                                            
38748 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



She played with it, stroked it and kissed it;               
No way did I want to resist it.                             
But after she said                                          
To me, "Now that I'm wed,                                   
Brother, do it yourself!"  How I missed it!                 
                                                            
38749 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



A virgin, whose tightness deplorable,                       
Made regular sex seem too horrible,                         
At last had to marry                                        
A dirty old fairy,                                          
Who thought her behind was adorable.                        
                                                            
38750 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



I forgot my wife's birthday, you see;                       
Needed a month to recovery.                                 
Me pay a whore                                              
To get beat up and sore?                                    
Hell, I just got that treatment for free!                   
                                                            
38751 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



I'd rather be left on the shelf,                            
Than find that I'm sharing me welf,  <cockney>              
With something in drawers,                                  
Who wed me because                                          
She likes how I handle meself.                              
                                                            
38752 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          SFA                      



A young wife in the outskirts of Wrasse,                    
Preferred fucking to going to mass.                         
Said her husband, "Take Jock                                
Or any young cock,                                          
For I cannot live up to your ass."                          
                                                            
38753 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                              L0087



There once was a fellow of Welch                            
Who in serious moments would belch,                         
Till his wife set him straight                              
With a clout on the pate,                                   
And a "Button you upper -- or elch!"                        
                                                            
38754 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Keith MacMillan     A123A



A certain young fellow named Scott,                         
Once jumped his young bride on their cot.                   
He intended no shirking,                                    
But from sheer overworking,                                 
A dry run was all that she got.                             
                                                            
38755 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Isaac Asimov             



You're a chauvinist pig," my wife doled,                    
In a temper that wasn't controlled.                         
I replied, "You are right.                                  
(I was being contrite)                                      
But not when I do as I'm told!"                             
                                                            
38756 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          H Myers            TP9802



Her husband threatened to go away;                          
She cried and begged him to stay.                           
They reached a compromise,                                  
When she spread open her thighs,                            
He fucked her, left later that day.                         
                                                            
38757 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Laurence Craft           



There was a young bride named LaVerne,                      
Who found she'd a great deal to learn.                      
The man she had wed,                                        
Took young boys to bed,                                     
And she didn't know which way to turn.                      
                                                            
38758 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                              G0993



An old martinet of a colonel,                               
Had a temper positively infernal,                           
And the reason for this                                     
Was it hurt him to piss,                                    
And his wife's services were diurnal.                       
                                                            
38759 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



Domestic quarrels are on the increase;                      
She wants more money, my wife Denise.                       
I'm the victim of nagging;                                  
For four weeks no shagging;                                 
I'm the victim of "mad cow disease".                        
                                                            
38760 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Dirruk                   



Your wife cut you off?  Now looky,                          
There's more than one way to that cookie.                   
You've got the cash                                         
In your pocket, a stash,                                    
But Dirruk, dear, she's got the nookie.                     
                                                            
38761 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Jeanie                   



You must learn to give and to take,                         
If that fire in your loins you would slake.                 
Take your wife to the mall,                                 
Let her shop, have a ball,                                  
Then when home, you can slip her the snake.                 
                                                            
38762 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Jeanie                   



Said the Sultan, "The one major flaw                        
In this system may make me withdraw                         
And divorce every wife                                      
For some peace in my life --                                
Without all those mothers-in-law."                          
                                                            
38763 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          A. N. Wilkins       P8407



A timorous bachelor named Barry                             
Has stated he never will marry;                             
He says, "If I wed,                                         
There's something I'd dread;                                
My wife could want kids and miscarry."                      
                                                            
38764 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Armand E Singer       911



Because of his kite's jerky flight                          
They told him, "You need more tail." "Right,"               
Replied Mr. Blatt.                                          
"I told my wife that,                                       
But she told me to go fly a kite."                          
                                                            
38765 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          A N Wilkins         P0211



Hugh Delamere, Third Baron Cholmondeley,                    
Describing his wife, remarked glumly,                       
"She's too old to seem new,                                 
She's no fun to screw,                                      
And as for her snatch, it's not comely.                     
                                                            
38766 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Armand E Singer       860



The crossed legs of my wife cause vexation,                 
So my member demands masturbation.                          
Man, it's hard to believe,                                  
That her labial cleave,                                     
Is the cause of such much frustration!                      
                                                            
38767 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



The new wife of widower Raines                              
Caused nothing but misery and pains.                        
She was not worth a durn --                                 
He got more from the urn                                    
In which rested his late wife's remains.                    
                                                            
38768 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2919



A young bride was once heard to say,                        
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!                                
The inside of my thighs                                     
Look just like mince pies,                                  
For my husband won't shave every day."                      
                                                            
38769 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                              L0428



The caveman with muscles and club                           
Dragged them off by the hair, rub-a-dub!                    
But now men are very                                        
Much nicer; they marry                                      
And then they go off to their club.                         
                                                            
38770 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Laurence Perrine    P8405



'Twas way back in Spring '44                                
That young Bert said to Pat, "I adore                       
You; and now that we're wed                                 
Can I take you to bed?"                                     
"Well, OK", she said, "Once and no more."                   
                                                            
38771 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



So thinking of England she lay                              
On her back and let Bert have his way                       
With her. "Did you feel that?"                              
Said young Bert. Said young Pat,                            
"What a messy revolting affray."                            
                                                            
38772 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"Now tuck that there thing back inside                      
Of your trousers", she said, as she dried                   
Herself off with a sponge,                                  
"This disgusting wet gunge                                  
Has got everything sticky", she cried.                      
                                                            
38773 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



At the end of the Second World War,                         
Bert came home with a smile, but before                     
He could even say, "Hi."                                    
She said, "Don't even try!                                  
Get your boots off; I'm cleaning the floor."                
                                                            
38774 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"But Pat, it's been more than three years",                 
He said, eyes filling up with his tears                     
Of frustration. But Pat                                     
Said, "You can't, and that's that;                          
I won't stand for your ghastly ideas."                      
                                                            
38775 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



Now Bert took a job in a bank                               
And for years his frustrations he sank                      
Into working all day,                                       
To keep Pat in the way                                      
She expected; but still drew a blank...                     
                                                            
38776 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



...When it came to that conjugal bliss.                     
Then in spring '54 he said, "This                           
Is ridiculous, love."                                       
But she gave him a shove;                                   
"Keep your hands off", she said with a hiss.                
                                                            
38777 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



The '60's; free love and all that.                          
Once again poor old Bert turned to Pat                      
And said, "Come on old thing;                               
Let's get groovy and swing."                                
"Is that all you can think of?" she spat.                   
                                                            
38778 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"But dearest, what harm can it do?"                         
Pleaded Bert, but she glared and said, "You                 
Are perverted. You know                                     
What I said long ago;                                       
I've had more than enough of your goo."                     
                                                            
38779 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"To buck up our sex life in bed,                            
Love, I've bought you these scanties", he said,             
And some tiny red... "  "That                               
Is disgusting", said Pat,                                   
"Is that all that goes on in your head?"                    
                                                            
38780 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"BERT!! That's revolting!!" cried Pat,                      
As she lifted the poor little cat                           
From his lap; and he sighed,                                
"When I made you my bride,                                  
I hoped sex was a part of all that."                        
                                                            
38781 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"Just once was enough of your lust",                        
She said, looking at Bert in disgust.                       
"Oh you poor little cat;                                    
Has he hurt you?" crooned Pat,                              
As she held the poor thing to her bust.                     
                                                            
38782 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"Bert!" she cried, "Don't be so crude;                      
What the hell are you doing there nude?"                    
Replied Bert from his chair,                                
With his knob in the air,                                   
"What the fuck does it look like, you prude!"               
                                                            
38783 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"That's NO way to speak to your wife!"                      
She said, angrily wielding a knife.                         
"I'm so sorry", he cried,                                   
"Pat, I really have tried                                   
To stay celibate most of my life ...                        
                                                            
38784 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



But it's hard ..."  "So I see."  "Come to bed;              
Can't you once, just this once, give me head?"              
Pleaded Bert. "How disgusting,                              
That's worse than you thrusting                             
That thing up my privates", she said.                       
                                                            
38785 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



The '80's; and Bert had retired.                            
He said, "Pat? You've got all you aspired                   
To, and now I have time                                     
And I'm still in my prime,                                  
Will you let me have sex?" he enquired.                     
                                                            
38786 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"Oh, not that old chestnut again",                          
Replied Pat with a grimace of pain.                         
"I've had more than enough                                  
Of your sticky wet stuff                                    
And your whinging and whining refrain."                     
                                                            
38787 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"OK, you old bat, that's enough!"                           
Shouted Bert, "Now it's time I got rough!"                  
But he got a surprise                                       
For Pat fluttered her eyes                                  
And said, "Go on then; prove it's no bluff."                
                                                            
38788 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



"All RIGHT!!" said old Bert, as he threw                    
Her with force to the floor for a screw;                    
But he couldn't get a rise                                  
And felt tears prick his eyes;                              
"I've forgotten", he cried, "What to do."                   
                                                            
38789 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



Last night he determined once more                          
To have sex with dear Pat, and at four                      
In the morning he found                                     
She was sleeping quite sound,                               
So he gently began to explore.                              
                                                            
38790 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



He fondled her dried-up old thighs                          
And thought, "What if I can't get a rise?                   
Should I try cunnilingus?"                                  
He sniffed at his fingers                                   
And thought, "Better not if I'm wise."                      
                                                            
38791 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



So lying with Pat at his side,                              
He wanked hard as he dared, as he tried                     
To get stiff. It was tough                                  
But it worked sure enough;                                  
Then he came prematurely and died.                          
                                                            
38792 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



The date; June the seventh. The year;                       
'99, and bad tidings I fear.                                
Poor old Bert passed away                                   
Early on in the day;                                        
Would you please raise your glasses of beer.                
                                                            
38793 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



From her husband, a lady named Shore                        
Asked for money, each week more and more.                   
To get sex he must pay                                      
So he said in dismay,                                       
"You are naught but an overpriced whore."                   
                                                            
38794 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2297



There is a young fellow called Topper,                      
Whose dick is a fourteen inch whopper.                      
I'm sitting here grieving,                                  
For my wife plans on leaving;                               
I have nothing that big that will stop her.                 
                                                            
38795 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Bob Birch           P0302



There once was a cheating old louse                         
Who bethought his wife a meek mouse.                        
But his dick did wilt                                       
From age and from guilt;                                    
She kicked him right out of the house.                      
                                                            
38796 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



To his bride whispered J. Osgood Neely,                     
"My dear, let us love so ideally,                           
That nothing so crude                                       
As sex need intrude                                         
On our Eden."  Said she, "You mean--really?"                
                                                            
38797 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          John Ciardi              



Said a man from Mobile, Alabama,                            
"I'm displeased with my role in life's drama.               
My wife, who's a shrew,                                     
Isn't willing to screw,                                     
And she's sure to outlive me, God damn her."                
                                                            
38798 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Isaac Asimov             



A misogynist stubborn and volatile,                         
Was compelled to perform matters coital.                    
He'd once lost his head,                                    
And by shotgun was wed,                                     
Though he raged that he'd rather be stoical.                
                                                            
38799 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                              G2740



There was a young girl from Llandudno,                      
Who married a batsman from Tudno.                           
He midstump was small,                                      
He had no balls at all.                                     
What he'd called the match for, she'd nud know.             
(must be cricket - McW)                                     
38800 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                              G0382



Juan's wife's stories -- never a borer.                     
For her cooking, he'll really adore her.                    
His one complaint deep?                                     
"The sound when you sleep!                                  
You're one hell of a noisy senora."                         
                                                            
38801 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Cynthia MacGregor        



I work as a stay-at-home dad;                               
It's the best job that I've ever had.                       
But sometimes the poop,                                     
Or a wet diapers droop,                                     
Make me feel like I'm going quite mad.                      
                                                            
38802 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE                                   



Oh Ermintrude, love of my life,                             
I surely am glad you're my wife.                            
Your beauty's so rare,                                      
None else can compare.                                      
Now please from my throat, take that knife.                 
                                                            
38803 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old fellow named Dan,                          
Whose love life was catch-as-catch-can.                     
Having wed thirteen times,                                  
When he heard church bell chimes,                           
He turned on his heels and just ran.                        
                                                            
38804 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Warrick Elrod            



There was a young lady named Fife,                          
The center of much serious strife.                          
As she walked in Milan,                                     
She enticed a young man.                                    
He commenced to throw rocks at his wife.                    
                                                            
38805 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Albin Chaplin            



There was a young lady from Fife,                           
So gorgeous she started much strife.                        
Her tight ass and proud bubby                               
So inflamed the poor hubby,                                 
He began to throw rocks at his wife.                        
                                                            
38806 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Albin Chaplin 3024  G0067



There was a young lady named Lou                            
Who was considered to be a young shrew.                     
Before she could marry,                                     
She'd not hassle nor harry;                                 
Her spouse now doesn't know what to do!                     
                                                            
38807 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a fellow from Wales,                         
Who dressed in his black tie and tails;                     
Then he waited an hour,                                     
For his dear wife to shower,                                
And another to polish her nails.                            
                                                            
38808 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Bob Birch           P0207



Said a henpecked young husband from Astor                   
Whose wife was a Tae Kwando Master,                         
"She might let me go out                                    
For a few mugs of stout,                                    
But as always I'm too scared to ask her."                   
                                                            
38809 MARRIAGE - SAD - MALE          Anon                     



The bridegroom on his wedding night                         
Presented one hell of a sight.                              
With his body exposed,                                      
Pink and fleshy he posed,                                   
In the garden of silvery moonlight.                         
                                                            
38810 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Tim Main                 



His newly wed wife said to him,                             
"Your chances with me are now slim,                         
If you don't come in now,                                   
We'll have our first row,                                   
And my lawyer's a nice chap called Jim."                    
                                                            
38811 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Tim Main                 



The in-laws were living next door,                          
And couldn't believe what they saw.                         
A drunken new son                                           
With his wife on the run,                                   
And all of their clothes on the floor.                      
                                                            
38812 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Tim Main                 



As the old boy saw more than he oughta,                     
Of his darling princess, or his daughter,                   
He reached for his whip,                                    
Thought, "This wretched shit                                
Of a son won't wreck all that I taught her!"                
                                                            
38813 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Tim Main                 



At last, the panic abated;                                  
The bride and the groom, they were sated                    
On each others lust,                                        
Which is honestly just                                      
As well-- from her on, it's X-rated!                        
                                                            
38814 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Tim Main                 



This is a tale from tradition,                              
Of an innocent man's position,                              
When faced with a wife                                      
Who gave him great strife,                                  
Because of unfounded suspicion.                             
                                                            
38815 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



While heading for home with his hound,                      
A glass fronted object he found                             
Lying there in the grass.                                   
He looked at the glass                                      
And to his amazement he found ...                           
                                                            
38816 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



... A picture of his old dad;                               
A sight that made him so glad                               
He said "I'll take this to show                             
My darling wife, Flo                                        
And he doubled his speed to their pad.                      
                                                            
38817 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



"Look what I found dear," he cried,                         
The moment that he got inside.                              
But she gave just one look                                  
Then with anger she shook;                                  
And with great emotion she cried ...                        
                                                            
38818 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



"So this is the whore you've been to."                      
(Her face turned a bright cherry hue.)                      
"You've been having it away                                 
In the fields every day,                                    
And a right ugly cow she is, too!"                          
                                                            
38819 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



A smelly old mariner bold,                                  
To a guest at the wedding feast told                        
His sad, dreary tale                                        
Of his life under sail,                                     
And his trials in heat and in cold.                         
                                                            
38820 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The guest said we don't give a toss,                        
About you and that damned albatross,                        
Then they pulled down his pants,                            
And forced him to dance                                     
A jig round the old altar cross.                            
                                                            
38821 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The bridegroom stood there with his bride,                  
Waiting to get her outside,                                 
For they'd booked a hotel,                                  
And he knew very well,                                      
Of champagne and a bed long and wide.                       
                                                            
38822 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The capering seaman she sees,                               
She trembles and whispers, "No! Please!"                    
At that ghastly pariah,                                     
Whose balls are on fire,                                    
And his albatross hangs to his knees.                       
                                                            
38823 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



"It's my Uncle Arthur. What fate!                           
He ravished me when I was eight."                           
Then that old pedophile,                                    
Still giggling the while,                                   
Cried "Come on then my niece, let us mate!"                 
                                                            
38824 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



His gnarled old hand grabbed at her dress,                  
(She no longer showed much distress.)                       
So onto the altar                                           
He lay his brother's daughter,                              
And into her body did press.                                
                                                            
38825 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



By now she'd got over her fright,                           
And accepted that thing with delight,                       
While the husband-to-be,                                    
"Cried out "Bugger me!                                      
After that I can never impress."                            
                                                            
38826 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The guests now were getting quite heated;                   
Not one of them wished to be cheated.                       
Soon the aisles and the pews                                
Ran with love's sweet juice,                                
As the acts of the bride were repeated.                     
                                                            
38827 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The bridegroom said "Well, Bugger me."                      
The vicar replied "allow me.                                
Bend over my son,                                           
And we can have fun,                                        
Though the archbishop may not agree."                       
                                                            
38828 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



So all but the bridegroom did boff,                         
(The vicar's wee tool had gone soft.)                       
"You've fucked my dear wife,"                               
He cried, wielding a knife,                                 
And the mariner's tool was sliced off.                      
                                                            
38829 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



"You've murdered my old albatross,"                         
Yelled the mariner, "So now it's not poss-                  
ible to sow my seed                                         
In these women with need.                                   
You'll be curs-ed for causing this loss."                   
                                                            
38830 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



So now that we're back with the plot;                       
Their marriage was frigid, not hot.                         
For he couldn't compete                                     
With that Seafarer's meat;                                  
For the rest of their lives they just fought.               
                                                            
38831 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The warning Ned disregarded                                 
And went on with what he started,                           
But now has to yell,                                        
"This life is a hell!                                       
I must of been sadly retarded!"                             
                                                            
38832 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



Old snuff-dipping Horace Calhoun                            
Is know as a man who's rough-hewn;                          
His wife of great size,                                     
Will sit, spread her thighs;                                
And use her cunt for a spitoon.                             
                                                            
38833 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



For a livlihood, Horace digs ditches,                       
And though the Calhouns ain't got riches,                   
His wife compensates                                        
By getting him dates                                        
With some of the town's finest bitches.                     
                                                            
38834 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



When Horace craves his horse's crack,                       
Miz Calhoun makes sure he'll not lack                       
The comfort or height                                       
To boff his mare right --                                   
She'll kneel while he stands on her back.                   
                                                            
38835 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



Now you may say, "Heaven's above!                           
Why doesn't Miz calhoun just shove                          
That bastard away?"                                         
Because it's this way:                                      
With Horace, Miz Calhoun's in love!                         
                                                            
38836 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



There was a young fellow named Fyfe,                        
Who married the pride of his life.                          
But imagine his pain                                        
When he struggled in vain,                                  
And just couldn't get into his wife.                        
                                                            
38837 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0835



Now the trouble was not with our hero,                      
Who, though no match for Epstein or Nero,                   
Had a good little dong                                      
That was five inches long,                                  
And as stiff as a parsnip at zero.                          
                                                            
38838 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0836



But his efforts to poke her, assiduous,                     
Met a dense growth of hair most prodiguous.                 
Well, he thought he might dint her                          
By waiting till winter,                                     
But he found that she wasn't deciduous.                     
                                                            
38839 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0837



Now here was this fellow named Fyfe,                        
Unable to diddle his wife.                                  
Which fact, sad but true,                                   
Left him nothing to do                                      
But bugger the girl all his life.                           
                                                            
38840 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0838



For diversion, that might have been funny,                  
And of course, it saved him some money.                     
But it angered our Fifey                                    
To think that his wifey                                     
Was hoarding her deep nest of honey.                        
                                                            
38841 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0839



He went whoring to find satisfaction.                       
But with whores, though accomplished in action,             
He never could capture                                      
That fine fucking rapture,                                  
For the thought of his wife was distraction.                
                                                            
38842 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0840



So here was our fellow named Fyfe,                          
With a truly impervious wife.                               
She was not worth a damn,                                   
Being closed as a clam,                                     
Why, he couldn't get in with a knife.                       
                                                            
38843 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0841



The problem that harassed his soul,                         
Was 'What kept him out of her hole?                         
Was her hymen too tough?                                    
Was she stuffed up with fluff?                              
Was her coosie the home of a mole?'                         
                                                            
38844 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0842



This was just what poor Fyfe couldn't tell,                 
For her prow was as sound as a bell.                        
He'd have needed a gimlet                                   
To get into her quimlet,                                    
And it made the poor guy mad as hell.                       
                                                            
38845 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0843



He applied to that fellow from Strensall                    
For help from his long, pointed pencil.                     
But Strenny's tool now                                      
Was as blunt as the prow                                    
Of a tug, he'd have needed a stencil.                       
                                                            
38846 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0844



Fyfe searched for the chap from New York,                   
Who had punctured the hymen like cork.                      
But he was quite coy,                                       
For he now loved a boy,                                     
And refused to help Fyfe with the stork.                    
                                                            
38847 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0845



Fyfe asked Durand how much he'd charge,                     
(The fellow whose cock could contract or enlarge)           
To drill his way in                                         
With his prick like a pin,                                  
And there make it slowly enlarge.                           
                                                            
38848 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0846



But Durand, though he'd fuck with no urgin',                
Warned, "Apart from the risk that she'll burgeon,           
Your pride must be low                                      
If you'll meekly forego,                                    
A crack at a genuine virgin."                               
                                                            
38849 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0847



In the spring in the woods Fyfe did wander late,            
And saw couples preparing to copulate.                      
But he could not abide                                      
The gay sight, and he cried                                 
At the thought that the pigfuckers penetrate!               
                                                            
38850 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0848



One couple he foolishly leapt on,                           
To examine the wound and the weapon.                        
One was rigid, one deep,                                    
The snug fit made him weep,                                 
And in shame and contrition he crept on.                    
                                                            
38851 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0849



In the meantime, Fyfe's wife, who had wed                   
With some thought to the pleasures of bed,                  
Was becoming depressed,                                     
In fact damn near obsessed                                  
By her terribly tough maidenhead.                           
                                                            
38852 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0850



She remarked, "When all joking is done,                     
What I honestly want is a son.                              
I would like impregnation                                   
If not copulation,                                          
But to wed and have neither's no fun."                      
                                                            
38853 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0851



She grew worried and nervous and thin,                      
'Till Fyfe said, "You would jump at a pin!"                 
And those words, though unkind,                             
Put a thought in her mind                                   
That a pin-point perhaps might get in.                      
                                                            
38854 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0852



Thus she thought of synthetic conception,                   
Which at first seemed like basest deception.                
But her cunt was so sore                                    
From Fyfe's trying to bore,                                 
That she gave the thought better reception.                 
                                                            
38855 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0853



And indeed, though it's sad to relate it,                   
Her first fuck was so sadly belated,                        
That a poke by a pin,                                       
Though ever so thin,                                        
Was a prospect that made her elated.                        
                                                            
38856 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0854



To be brief, the great action was done.                     
There was artfully planted, a son;                          
Through a bodkin that filled her,                           
And wonderfully thrilled her,                               
More fun than a son of a gun!                               
                                                            
38857 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0855



This syringe, which was long but quite thin,                
Left a hole that Fyfe couldn't get in.                      
But he kept right on busting                                
And jousting and thrusting,                                 
On account of his excess of vim.                            
                                                            
38858 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0856



While she mused on this synthetic screw,                    
The sperm got well-planted, and grew,                       
And the great day approached                                
When her breech would be broached,                          
But Fyfe, the poor wretch, never knew.                      
                                                            
38859 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0857



One night in sheer desperation,                             
He prodded and poked like tarnation.                        
His wife groaned in pain.                                   
She gave way!! Would he gain                                
The goal of three years contemplation?                      
                                                            
38860 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0858



The head of his dingus went in!                             
He felt sure he was going to win!                           
He thrust like a demon,                                     
He spilt all his semen,                                     
And scraped off a square inch of skin.                      
                                                            
38861 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0859



But despite all his trying, he found                        
He was losing, not gaining, his ground.                     
Though he clung to her thighs                               
While he tried for the prize,                               
Each push in caused a greater rebound.                      
                                                            
38862 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0860



The harder the poor fellow tried,                           
The more her hold filled, from inside.                      
'Till he fell back quite spent,                             
His prick battered and bent,                                
And a few minutes later, he died.                           
                                                            
38863 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0861



As he passed, a new life was begun,                         
And his tomb tells how he was undone.                       
"Shed a tear for poor Fyfe,                                 
His imperforate wife                                        
Did him in with the aid of their son."                      
                                                            
38864 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                           L0862



Don't worry 'bout Canadian wives;                           
We know what it takes to thrive.                            
Hide his pretzels and beer                                  
And TV changer so dear;                                     
They're real sweet when they're deprived                    
                                                            
38865 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Azul                     



No pretzels?  No beer?  Bah!  Divorce!                      
I'd rather sleep next to a horse,                           
Than live without booze,                                    
Chips, chicks, afternoon snooze.                            
Deprivation -- there's nothing that's worse.                
                                                            
38866 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Nik Synytskyy            



Hey...this Sally, is she five foot three?                   
Blonde hair, blue eyes, and pretty?                         
If this is the lass,                                        
Then I'm kicking her ass.                                   
That bitch just got married to me!                          
                                                            
38867 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



I've wondered where she got all this change.                
The coming home late, it was strange.                       
If it's truth what I hear,                                  
Well my foot's in her rear.                                 
I've a new target at the firing range!                      
                                                            
38868 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES                                



In marriage there's often a glitch,                         
You find you have married a bitch.                          
She once was nice,                                          
All sugar and spice;                                        
Now she's an evil old witch.                                
                                                            
38869 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Mushroom                 



A young bloke, you fall for his wit;                        
His charm and you know that he's it.                        
'Twas the love of your life,                                
But now gives you strife,                                   
'Cause he really a miserable shit.                          
                                                            
38870 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Jayne                    



"Hey Doctor, I feel like a louse                            
For having some whores at my house                          
And Hell, my wife too;                                      
So what should I do?"                                       
Said he, "I'd get rid of the spouse!"                       
                                                            
38871 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



Trav's spouse thought the idea fine.                        
Yelled "Get out!  This place is mine."                      
Wine, women, and song,                                      
And Travis's dong                                           
Are now standing in the bread line.                         
                                                            
38872 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Marlene Lewis            



At my age I don't mind them handing                         
Me bread in the bread line nor stranding                    
My ass on the street,                                       
In heat, snow or sleet...                                   
As long as my dong keeps on standing.                       
                                                            
38873 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



If you are breathtakingly gorgeous,                         
And posess the sang-froid of the Borgias,                   
Just sign on the line                                       
To meet 8's and 9's --                                      
As in 8 or 9 figure portfolios.                             
(Company matches beautiful women, rich men)                 
38874 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Dr Limerick              



And you rich guys who seek trophy wife,                     
To enhance a few years of your life;                        
For a fee, we will function                                 
To provide introductions --                                 
But do not promise freedom from strife.                     
                                                            
38875 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Dr Limerick              



Now ladies, if't works as it should,                        
You two may stay married for good --                        
Until death do you part,                                    
Then the real fun starts                                    
When disinherited kids file suit.                           
                                                            
38876 MARRIAGE - SAD - ZSERIES       Dr Limerick              



Tom found his new boss inspirational.                       
Her legs, in tight skirts, were sensational!                
Her alluring eyes                                           
Made his temperature rise.                                  
He became, in a word, masturbational!                       
                                                            
38877 MASTURBATION                   Lims For Year - 01       



While Sam lay asleep in the hall,                           
A bug on his pecker did craw.                               
The bug thought it fun                                      
To tickle his gun;                                          
Sam pasted the bug to the wall.                             
                                                            
38878 MASTURBATION                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



No reason, but this I declare;                              
Like those climbers when asked why they dare                
Scale a vertical hillM                                      
The reply's "For the thrill",                               
And the classic, of course, "'Cause it's there."            
                                                            
38879 MASTURBATION                                            



As I strangled the chicken with glee,                       
A wonderous thought entered me.                             
Why sit and kill birds                                      
When there now exist herds                                  
In the country to strangle for free.                        
                                                            
38880 MASTURBATION                   James Devine             



A macho truck driver named Ricken,                          
Claims sex on the road keeps him tickin'.                   
But in spite of his quips,                                  
On most of his trips,                                       
He spends his nights chokin' his chicken!                   
                                                            
38881 MASTURBATION                   Pierce Evans             



Down the street was a butcher named Pete;                   
He was known to be skillful and neat.                       
He stated, with pride,                                      
"All kidding aside,                                         
Believe me, you can't beat my meat."                        
                                                            
38882 MASTURBATION                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



"Eat bran every morning," said gran;                        
"It eases the passage, young man."                          
I have to admit,                                            
Though, my copy of "Tits"                                   
Eased an urgency more than the bran.                        
                                                            
38883 MASTURBATION                                            



A fat man who couldn't be meaner,                           
Really liked to play with his weiner.                       
After a day                                                 
Of jerking away,                                            
He found that his arms were much leaner.                    
                                                            
38884 MASTURBATION                                            



Said this fellow, "I see what they're doing."               
(Through a crack in the wall he was viewing.)               
"I can see at a glance                                      
Someone's hand in his pants.                                
It's likely some fun is a-brewing."                         
                                                            
38885 MASTURBATION                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There once lived a man of the cloth,                        
Who jerked off to the writings of Roth.                     
Thus he did repent                                          
With his eyes heaven-bent;                                  
At least my hand's sin wasn't sloth!                        
                                                            
38886 MASTURBATION                   Phil T                   



When retired, good old boys hope to jerk,                   
At their leisure, wherever they lurk;                       
But, when old and disgusting,                               
With  hardware that's  rusting,                             
To "play" with yourself is hard work!                       
                                                            
38887 MASTURBATION                                            



Randolph was sure he could quit                             
Jerking off without having a fit,                           
But found his resolve                                       
Very quickly dissolved;                                     
He just can't keep his hands off of it.                     
                                                            
38888 MASTURBATION                   Dr Limerick              



A country boy's seed has been sowed                         
And, lo and behold, hellions growed                         
In his mama's garden;                                       
Quipped he, "Shucks, Ma, pardon.                            
I wouldn't have sowed if I'd knowed!"                       
                                                            
38889 MASTURBATION                   Travis Brasell           



While driving along on the highway.                         
A horny young man he did play.                              
He was masturbasting;                                       
The car was vibrating,                                      
And the windshield got covered with spray.                  
                                                            
38890 MASTURBATION                   Brad                     



An old pirate cookie named Gator                            
Taught me: shore fishing's best done in waders.             
I moved up from second class                                
Straight up to first class,                                 
And now I'm a true Master Baiter.                           
                                                            
38891 MASTURBATION                   Gibbon the Troubadour    



I knocked but she didn't hear,                              
So engrossed in her pleasure, I fear.                       
Thus I stayed at her door                                   
'Til quarter to four,                                       
And imagined my knob in her rear.                           
                                                            
38892 MASTURBATION                                            



Coming in hand's not my scene;                              
I stopped that since I was a teen.                          
I also confess                                              
That I do not mess                                          
The pages of my magazine.                                   
                                                            
38893 MASTURBATION                                            



Complaints will arise like hot mist.                        
Though playing solo onanist,                                
Does much to bring calm,                                    
[Except to your palm]                                       
When hormonal urgings insist.                               
                                                            
38894 MASTURBATION                   Chris Papa               



I concur with your wise observation                         
That wanking is not aberration;                             
Though some say that sex                                    
Has splendid effects,                                       
It cannot supplant masturbation.                            
                                                            
38895 MASTURBATION                                            



There was a young lad of Helsinki,                          
An author of limericks kinky,                               
Who found it exciting                                       
To read his own writing,                                    
While yanking and wanking his dinky.                        
                                                            
38896 MASTURBATION                   Peter Wilkins            



We know that sex relieves tension,                          
A fact of little dissension;                                
So when I'm tense and spry,                                 
With just me and I,                                         
We hold a five finger convention.                           
                                                            
38897 MASTURBATION                                            



To criticize, eager young Bruce,                            
Needs only a meager excuse.                                 
But what does he do,                                        
When no target's in view?                                   
He practices much self abuse.                               
                                                            
38898 MASTURBATION                   Pierce Evans             



I was caught having a wank in the loo,                      
By my old auntie, who is called Sue,                        
With jazz mag in one hand,                                  
And erection so grand,                                      
She asked, "Can I join in with you, too?"                   
                                                            
38899 MASTURBATION                                            



No matter how low is your station,                          
You stand with the lords of your nation.                    
You stand with your King                                    
When you beat on your thing,                                
In the common great male occupation.                        
                                                            
38900 MASTURBATION                   Phil T                   



I can't say how I diddle my middle                          
And how-does-it-work is a riddle.                           
I do not feel much shame;                                   
It's not two times the same,                                
But it's both hands (like playing the fiddle).              
                                                            
38901 MASTURBATION                   Ulla                     



A fever has started to burn,                                
And this fiddle technique I must learn.                     
Can you give me a hint --                                   
When you diddle the dent;                                   
Which parts do you favor or spurn?                          
                                                            
38902 MASTURBATION                   Hugh Clary               



Now I will take my best shot,                               
At rubbin' your nubbin so hot;                              
But I'd rather my digit                                     
That wiggles your widget,                                   
Be attached to my frenulum, what?                           
                                                            
38903 MASTURBATION                   Hugh Clary               



You could start, (please allow me to be                     
More explicit) with caressing me                            
In regions more higher,                                     
But if "low"'s your desire,                                 
Here's my bumcheeks to fondle.  Feel free...                
                                                            
38904 MASTURBATION                   Ulla                     



There is an old lecher named Nolt                           
Whose dingus just shot its last bolt;                       
Abused almost nightly,                                      
Perhaps impolitely,                                         
It withered away in revolt.                                 
                                                            
38905 MASTURBATION                   Armand Singer            



Some guys may just be in a bind,                            
If no sex is all they can find.                             
They don't do the big M?                                    
What's the matter with them?                                
Do they think is will make them go blind?                   
                                                            
38906 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Faerie                   



A young self-abuser named Nat,                              
Was warned by his mom to stop THAT.                         
He said, "You old shrew,                                    
Those myths are not true."                                  
(The poor kid went blind as a bat.)                         
(I kept it up until I needed glasses - McW)                 
38907 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Margaret A. Murdock P8302



A wanker from Rararatonger                                  
Was chastened for stroking his donger.                      
"You'll start losing your mind,                             
Probably go blind,                                          
And the hairs on your palm will grow longer!"               
                                                            
38908 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Percy Longprong          



Mama told me one long-ago night,                            
(And I'm sure that Mama must have been right)               
She said girls and boys                                     
Shouldn't play with their toys.                             
It will make them go blind, how's your sight?               
                                                            
38909 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Kaylin Brandon           



Perhaps my dear mama was right;                             
"You'll go blind whacking off in the night!"                
I beat it for years,                                        
Spewing spunk past my ears.                                 
Now, to find it, I need lots of light!                      
                                                            
38910 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR                               



Now what is this strange new compunction                    
To play with a thing once defunct?  Shun!                   
It'll lead to palm hair                                     
And a blind-eyed stare,                                     
And later, complete loss of function.                       
                                                            
38911 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Ericka                   



You are in a bit of a bind;                                 
Maybe just out of your mind.                                
I'm now here to tell ya'                                    
You misguided fella,                                        
STOP IT or else you will go blind.                          
                                                            
38912 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Jim Weaver Collection    



Consider then, Johannes Brahms,                             
Whose salute to the manifold charms                         
Of self-gratification,                                      
Was muffled ovation,                                        
Because of the hair on his palms.                           
                                                            
38913 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Scott                    



Because of diminished potentia                              
I propose intercourse in absentia.                          
But indulgence in                                           
The secret sin                                              
Can cause hairy palms and dementia.                         
                                                            
38914 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Jim Jambor          P9009



Envisioning cunts with their furry                          
Surroundings, I wank in a hurry,                            
In hope that a blast                                        
From pumping quite fast,                                    
Will keep my damn eyesight unblurry!                        
                                                            
38915 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Travis Brasell           



Beware all ye who masturbate,                               
For certain, you'll DEBILITATE,                             
Like Samson, your power;                                    
In darkness, you'll cower.                                  
For blindness is your certain fate.                         
                                                            
38916 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Chris Papa               



The flogging of dummies' no crime                           
But done all too much of the time;                          
It rots a guys brain                                        
And drives him insane --                                    
Thus cutting him down in his prime.                         
                                                            
38917 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Armand E Singer       640



A distracted young mother named Frommes                     
Spent her time in the church singing psalms,                
For her son, keen and bright,                               
Suffered loss in his sight,                                 
And had hair growing thick on his palms.                    
                                                            
38918 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Albin Chaplin   3024-1858



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw                             
Re: Sex,  spoke on church and our state law;                
With mucous gurglings                                       
'Bout feminine fur-things,                                  
While checking the palms of each hot paw!                   
                                                            
38919 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR                               



There was an old man of Arbuzzi,                            
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;                     
When they said, "That's your toe,"                          
He replied, "It is so?                                      
I thought I was jerking my putzi."                          
                                                            
38920 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Edwardian Leer 095  P9306



Now Nan was a hard thing to find;                           
A lovely young girl with a mind.                            
But the sad thing was she                                   
Was too young for me,                                       
So instead I just kept going blind.                         
                                                            
38921 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      John Miller              



I'm suddenly lonely, I find.                                
Have I just gone out of my mind?                            
I wish there were more                                      
Folks sharing this chore,                                   
I surely don't want to go blind!                            
                                                            
38922 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR                               



Ah yes! Now it's starting to fit;                           
Coming together now bit by bit.                             
Masturbate and go blind...                                  
Jeeze I'm in a bind;                                        
No wonder I can't see worth shit!                           
                                                            
38923 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      MrMalo                   



A young man from Brighton-on-Sands                          
Had big sores on the palms of his hands,                    
Which looked by a blister,                                  
And so does his sister.                                     
And they're blind, so no one understands.                   
                                                            
38924 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Eric West                



A balding young fellow named Harry,                         
Has hands that are really quite scary.                      
Now he has an excuse;                                       
It is not self abuse,                                       
But Rogaine that makes his palms hairy.                     
                                                            
38925 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Pierce Evans             



Your mom said your eyes were connected                      
To your self-touched member erected?                        
So you sometimes go blind                                   
Lusting for your young find,                                
But it's caused by your giz not deflected.                  
                                                            
38926 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR                               



A guy of fastidious mind                                    
Envied cats who could lick their behind.                    
While stretching his tongue                                 
To lick his own bung,                                       
He became stoop-shouldered and blind.                       
                                                            
38927 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Red Cervicalli           



I once knew a pickpocket called Pete                        
And at dipping he wasn't so neat.                           
Although of sharp mind,                                     
He was totaly blind;                                        
That'll teach him to play with his meat.                    
                                                            
38928 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR                               



Of lays these fine days, please be wary.                    
Those testing results can be scary.                         
But don't have any qualms                                   
About hair-bearing palms.                                   
(Beside which it's Tom's Dick that's Hairy.)                
                                                            
38929 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR                         TP9804



The girl of a fellow named Larry,                           
Complains of his palms, which are hairy.                    
If fact or if fiction,                                      
This friction affliction                                    
Should vanish as soon as they marry.                        
                                                            
38930 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Pierce Evans             



My hand is all gooey and funky;                             
I have to admit I'm a junkie.                               
The SPCA                                                    
Pinched me today.                                           
Just can't stop from spanking the monkey.                   
                                                            
38931 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Irish                    



My friends are all quick to condemn;                        
They'd sooner I'd be with some femme.                       
I beg your pardon,                                          
I'm tough in the garden;                                    
I've just got to polish that stem.                          
                                                            
38932 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Irish                    



My pulse is now starting to quicken.                        
The palms of my hand I'm a lickin'.                         
Old Farmer Brown                                            
Don't want me around.                                       
Just can't stop from choking the chicken!                   
                                                            
38933 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Irish                    



Oh God!  I think fate is unkind;                            
The tip of my nose I can't find.                            
The room is all hazy.                                       
Am I going crazy?                                           
Damn it to Hell!  I've gone blind.                          
                                                            
38934 MASTURBATION - BLIND/HAIR      Irish                    



Do you want to help me to spank it?                         
Take hold with both hands, but don't yank it.               
Too hard my sweet,                                          
You might hurt my meat,                                     
If you use too much torque as you wank it!                  
                                                            
38935 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



If on self-abuse you'll concentrate,                        
You can understand odd young Miss Straight.                 
She will say, "A burst meat,"                               
Or she'll cry, "Ma rubs teat!"                              
(Anagrams for the word "masturbate.")                       
                                                            
38936 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                              G2681



When woman is getting the fever,                            
A man would be foolish to leave her.                        
For what she'll resent,                                     
Is  not  that  he  went,                                    
But left her to bash her own beaver.                        
                                                            
38937 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There was a young girl from Cardiff                         
Who publicly fingered her quiff.                            
When asked why, she would say                               
In a truculent way,                                         
"Well it's better than getting the syph."                   
                                                            
38938 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                              G1904



Hell hath no fury like Carol's lobito;                      
A clit the size of a burrito.                               
The toys she abuses,                                        
Whilst blowing the fuses;                                   
She dreams of the Frito Bandito.                            
                                                            
38939 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Duke Sandefur            



When Lady Victoria Plumb                                    
To pleasure's about to succumb,                             
She rings for old Cutler,                                   
Her favorite butler,                                        
To finish her off with his thumb.                           
                                                            
38940 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



He's clinical, proper and bland,                            
But he does his best work on demand.                        
I am quite annoyed                                          
I have not employed                                         
A butler with his golden hand.                              
                                                            
38941 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Marlene Lewis            



To work as a young daddy's squire                           
Is something to which I aspire.                             
Where I'll aim to please                                    
Is 'twixt waist and knees                                   
So when I yell PULL!, she yells FIRE!                       
                                                            
38942 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          SFA                      



A woman from South Philadelphia                             
Once found herself left on the shelfia.                     
No one wanted her wares,                                    
But she muttered, "Who cares?"                              
And cheerfully played with herselfia.                       
                                                            
38943 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Isaac Asimov             



Some limericks are too didactical,                          
But women find them to be practical.                        
They read them and linger,                                  
Then probe with a finger,                                   
And find limericks to be climatical.                        
                                                            
38944 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There once was a girl who'd not shit,                       
Because she did play with her clit.                         
The doctor said, "Stop!"                                    
So she pulled off her top,                                  
And started to play with her tit.                           
                                                            
38945 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,                              
Double-jointed she was, I suppose.                          
And I watched fascinated                                    
As Rose masturbated                                         
Herself with the tip of her nose.                           
                                                            
38946 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Peter Wilkins            



One day she got tied in a knot,                             
With her nose on her clitoral spot.                         
I said, "Rose? You okay?"                                   
She said, "Fine. Go away.                                   
For I'm coming and don't give a jot."                       
                                                            
38947 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Peter Wilkins            



Oh Father, I have a confession!                             
Masturbation is now my obsession.                           
When I vibrate for fun,                                     
My hand's number one;                                       
It feels great and it cures all depression.                 
                                                            
38948 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Fgo                TP9804



At work she would often malinger,                           
Our sexy receptionist Inge;                                 
She'd often spend days                                      
In a permanent haze,                                        
With an itch she would scratch with her finger.             
                                                            
38949 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There was a young girl from Cheyenne                        
With a horrible loathing for men.                           
Instead, 'twas her pleasure,                                
In moments of leisure,                                      
To gentle herself with a pen.                               
                                                            
38950 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                              G2101



An elderly spinster, DeWitt,                                
Was asked one day if she felt fit.                          
She said, quite sedately,                                   
"Haven't felt myself lately."                               
"Good. A damn good habit to quit."                          
                                                            
38951 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Clarence E. Boyle   P9011



"The best part is right in the middle,"                     
Said a spinster named Old Lady Biddle.                      
"With a mirror in hand,                                     
You can find the right gland,                               
And give it a jolly good twiddle."                          
                                                            
38952 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          TuttaGioia               



There once was a woman named Sutton,                        
Who played night and day with her button.                   
When asked why she did,                                     
She mentioned her id,                                       
And confessed to just being a glutton.                      
                                                            
38953 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



I didn't hear it that way,                                  
She waited for nearly a day,                                
And then, most frustrated,                                  
That gal masturbated,                                       
Those bastards don't come, when they say.                   
                                                            
38954 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



A cowgirl who lived in Vancouver,                           
Complained that no cowboy could move her.                   
She said, "No guy in buckskin                               
Can compare with the suction,                               
I get from the tube on my Hoover."                          
                                                            
38955 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0201



There once was this girl from Sri Lanka,                    
A dusky-skinned maid named Bianca.                          
Each day she would sit                                      
And play with her clit.                                     
She was an incredible wanker!                               
                                                            
38956 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



"Ah'm back in the saddle agin!"                             
Whooped a bow-legged cowgirl named Lynn;                    
"It's a way to lose weight'n                                
First rate masturbatin';                                    
One hoss is worth forty-eight men!!"                        
                                                            
38957 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Robin K. Willoughby P8412



The world thought Miss Lucy a twit;                         
Her face by a smile always lit.                             
But they didn't know                                        
She was on fire down below,                                 
Since discovering the joys of her clit!                     
                                                            
38958 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Ashamed                  



Do you like yours tender and juicy?                         
Pinched hard or fondled quite loosely?                      
Do your fingers get wet                                     
When you play with your pet?                                
Do you jump like a fucking Watusi.                          
                                                            
38959 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Mad Max                  



Getting off without help from a whang,                      
A hot chick finds her clit fun to clang.                    
While she sings, it astounds;                               
Like a jews-harp it sounds,                                 
With a rich fully resonant twang!                           
                                                            
38960 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Allen Wolverton          



A spastic who never could come,                             
Was rubbing her clit with her thumb.                        
But she had a strong spasm                                  
When she reached her orgasm,                                
That rendered her deaf, blind and dumb.                     
                                                            
38961 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There was a young woman named Trudy,                        
Sat idly scratching her booty.                              
She said, "If I come,                                       
It will redden my bum,                                      
And make me feel clearly a beauty!"                         
                                                            
38962 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jeffrey Beeton           



Enchantress thou art, Melisande,                            
Come hither and give me thy hand.                           
To aid our romance                                          
Put it here in my pants,                                    
And massage my hot throbbing gland.                         
                                                            
38963 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



A winsome young maiden named Hortense                       
Was once filled with such self-importance,                  
She diddled alone;                                          
Felt no need for a bone;                                    
But to me, screwing men makes much more sense.              
                                                            
38964 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jeanie                   



"Masturbate, masturbate, mas-                               
turbate; God! you're a horny young lass.                    
Don't you know if you thumb it                              
So much, you might numb it?"                                
"So what?" she replied, "It's a gas!"                       
                                                            
38965 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



Two months and young piratess Bates                         
Was worried because she was late.                           
She thought she had erried;                                 
She'd missed her last period;                               
She knew she'd just come to masterbate.                     
                                                            
38966 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Garold Amadon            



A horny young woman named Kate                              
Had hoped for a really hot date.                            
But despite lots of kissing,                                
His erection was missing,                                   
So next time she'll just masturbate.                        
                                                            
38967 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Coops                    



Mary-Jane used to play with her muff                        
'Til she found she was 'up the duff'                        
Having not had the joy                                      
Of a man or a boy,                                          
She yelled out, "It's not good enough!"                     
                                                            
38968 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



This girl who masturbated for sex,                          
Was becoming one big nervous wreck.                         
She became such a glutton                                   
Rubbing her clit-button,                                    
She soon ceased to play with a full deck.                   
                                                            
38969 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Laurence Craft           



The sport of a sexy-voiced crone                            
Is calling strange men on the phone.                        
First she'll picture to him                                 
Her hot little quim--                                       
Then finish herself off alone.                              
                                                            
38970 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                              G2109



Commuting to London today,                                  
Guess who sat with me? Jane!  But no way                    
Was her skirt long enough                                   
To conceal her bare muff,                                   
And the sight caused me trouser affray.                     
                                                            
38971 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



As the train gathered speed down the track,                 
Lovely Jane settled down and lay back,                      
Closed her eyes, spread her thighs,                         
And with whimpering sighs,                                  
Began gently caressing her crack.                           
                                                            
38972 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



And the faster we went, the vibration                       
Caused Jane even more excitation.                           
Her fingers went wild,                                      
As she whimpered and smiled,                                
At the state of my trouser inflation.                       
                                                            
38973 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



She caused quite a stir and commotion,                      
While reaching the height of emotion.                       
I watched as she came                                       
And I say without shame,                                    
That I felt an in-trouser explosion.                        
                                                            
38974 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



At London she got off the train;                            
But with horror I noticed a stain                           
On my trousers had spread,                                  
So I stayed on instead                                      
'Til the train took me homewards again.                     
                                                            
38975 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There was a poor woman named Yorrick                        
Whose face was so plain it was Doric.                       
In lieu of real beaus,                                      
She coked up her nose                                       
And rubbed her own organ clitoric.                          
                                                            
38976 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Armand E Singer       754



A pretty young hiker named Daszum,                          
Could simply not have an orgasm;                            
She rubbed on her plum,                                     
'Til her thumb became numb,                                 
And she fell to her death in a chasm.                       
                                                            
38977 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



Young Kate, who wears tiny wee black                        
Silky panties, developed the knack                          
Of arousing her clitty                                      
At work in the city,                                        
By letting them ride up her crack...                        
                                                            
38978 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



... And rocking herself to and fro,                         
While she sat at her desk all aglow;                        
But when cleaners complained                                
That her chair was all stained,                             
She was asked, quite politely, to go.                       
                                                            
38979 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



Apart from the stains, her reaction                         
(Her whimpers of self-satisfaction)                         
Was causing us guys                                         
A continuous rise,                                          
Which at work is a major distraction.                       
                                                            
38980 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There once was a girl from Versailles,                      
Who played with herself on the sly.                         
She started to come,                                        
And stuck in her thumb,                                     
And said, "What a bad girl am I.                            
                                                            
38981 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl exemplary,                           
Who promised her love would not vary.                       
'Cause dad was a lax host,                                  
Got left out on Naxos,                                      
Now her pleasures are all solitary.                         
                                                            
38982 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Nick Nastro              



There was a young virgin named Eades,                       
Much troubled with raw primal needs;                        
For an evening's debauch,                                   
She'd abuse her own crotch,                                 
A prelude to far viler deeds.                               
                                                            
38983 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Armand Singer       P0203



Anna, a maid from Belgrade,                                 
Never before had been laid.                                 
She found in her chasm                                      
A real cool orgasm,                                         
Quite good, albeit self-made.                               
                                                            
38984 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          The Sailor          P0310



There was a young widow of Fairleigh,                       
Who faced her bereavement quite squarely.                   
She relied on her thumb                                     
To help herself come,                                       
And achieved some relief--although barely.                  
                                                            
38985 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Norm Storer              



There was a young lass from Andorra                         
Who would open her labia majora                             
And rub-a-dub-dub                                           
On her hot little nub,                                      
Till she saw borealis aurora.                               
                                                            
38986 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



A vigorous woman named Claire,                              
Once fondled me right in a chair.                           
She had a great touch,                                      
But she rubbed it so much,                                  
That she almost erased all the hair!                        
                                                            
38987 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Cap'n Bean          P9808



A certain old lady of Umsk                                  
Who was wholly unable to cumsk,                             
Would ecstatically shout                                    
When a samovar spout                                        
Was shoved up her Muscovite rumpsk.                         
                                                            
38988 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                              L0356



While reading some nice sexy fiction,                       
Kate developed a common addiction                           
To rubbing her clit,                                        
Giving her Mom a fit,                                       
Saying, "I'm learning the science of friction."             
                                                            
38989 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Puff Adder               



A fussy you lass called McEwan,                             
Disliked the idea of screwin'.                              
"I finger my muffin,                                        
It's safer than stuffin',                                   
And besides I can see what I'm doin'."                      
                                                            
38990 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Laura Schooler           



A clever young girl from La Grande                          
Has her dates with her boyfriend well planned.              
But if things get too brisk,                                
She avoids every risk                                       
By taking him firmly in hand.                               
                                                            
38991 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          John E Mayhood      P9805



A juicy young plum was my Anna.                             
She came dressed in an orange bandanna.                     
She'd a cherry somewhere,                                   
And of pears had a pair,                                    
And she offered to hold my banana.                          
                                                            
38992 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



What I have heard of old Jane:                              
She now lives with her monkey in Spain.                     
They have lots to show,                                     
And are rolling in dough;                                   
She even strokes her monkey in the rain.                    
                                                            
38993 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There once was a young Delta Zeta,                          
Who was a fierce masturbator.                               
She'd bang on her hole,                                     
With a telephone pole,                                      
Instead of a normal vibrator.                               
                                                            
38994 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was this old Granny of Guelf                          
Who played with a jolly old elf,                            
Which she coddled and kept                                  
Till he died. Then she wept                                 
And thereafter just played with herself.                    
                                                            
38995 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Keith MacMillan       65a



There is something that I'd like to ask,                    
Is female masturbation a task?                              
The one-handed fuck,                                        
Has it ever got stuck?                                      
And is it really your thermos flask?                        
                                                            
38996 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Funny Bone               



Indeed you did try, One Weird Dude,                         
I assure you that we girls write nude.                      
And often we thrum                                          
Ourselves till we come;                                     
How else would we get in the mood?                          
                                                            
38997 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



There was a young lady named Nancy,                         
Who liked having sex, plain and fancy.                      
With lightning and thunder                                  
And a profound sense of wonder,                             
But not with a partner -- too chancy.                       
                                                            
38998 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



A self-serviced old maid of Montclair                       
Often plays with herself in a chair,                        
Which produces more juice                                   
Than for which she has use,                                 
So she just leaves the leftovers there.                     
                                                            
38999 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                              G2169



There once was a blonde named Melinda,                      
Who scheduled her daily agenda                              
With time for a break                                       
To finger the ache,                                         
That throbbed in her juicy pudenda.                         
                                                            
39000 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Hugh Clary               



There was an old lady from Spain,                           
Who had a young gent on the brain.                          
She tried to romance him,                                   
And then to depants him,                                    
But ended up using her cane!                                
                                                            
39001 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



When a woman is getting the fever,                          
A man would be foolish to leave her.                        
For what she'll resent                                      
Is not that he went,                                        
But he left her to bash her own beaver.                     
                                                            
39002 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          SFA                      



That's why we keep plenty of toys                           
Around when you're off with the boys.                       
They come in real handy                                     
When we're feeling randy,                                   
And all of them moan and make noise.                        
                                                            
39003 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Carol                    



Toys whistle and toot but don't stink,                      
Like men who've had too much to drink.                      
And pee in the plants,                                      
Then come in their pants.                                   
It's better if they're in the pink.                         
                                                            
39004 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Marlene Lewis            



If you're feeling all randy today,                          
There's something for you on eBay.                          
A hand-cranked vibrator                                     
Designed just to cater                                      
To the needs of a lone fish fillet!                         
                                                            
39005 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Randog                   



No Honey, you've got it all wrong;                          
I don't need a hand-crank type dong.                        
My toys aren't of wood                                      
But I'm sure that they could                                
Be stiff as a board all night long.                         
                                                            
39006 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Carol                    



There once was a girl named Simone,                         
Who would amuse herself when alone;                         
With a smile on her face,                                   
She'd call from her place                                   
To her strategically placed vibra-phone.                    
                                                            
39007 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Kevin Kee                



My wife, when I am away,                                    
Will phone herself ten times a day.                         
You can hear her cell phone,                                
And the sound of her moan,                                  
From about three streets away.                              
                                                            
39008 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Cerbrus                  



There once was a blonde named Melinda                       
Who scheduled her daily agenda                              
With time for a break                                       
To finger the ache,                                         
That throbbed in her juicy pudenda.                         
                                                            
39009 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



Melinda is blonde but not dumb,                             
She'll surely make any man come,                            
That wonderful gal, as                                      
She sucks on your phallus,                                  
On your gonads her fingers will strum.                      
                                                            
39010 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



With Mindy I've long been impressed.                        
Of dreams I've had surely the best                          
That's happened to me,                                      
Was the wish that I'd be                                    
The keyboard her fingers caressed.                          
                                                            
39011 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



Young Amy likes lifting her dress                           
And removing her panties to press                           
In a manner obscene                                         
'Gainst the washing machine,                                
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.                       
                                                            
39012 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Peter Wilkins            



Single girls find a nagging of mind                         
When the absence of coupling they find                      
Is much too frequent                                        
And lasts but a moment.                                     
The languid screw is what helps her unwind.                 
                                                            
39013 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Tiddy Ogg                



Amy, that filthy young tart!                                
Often liked boys for her part.                              
She cornered young Michael,                                 
While on the spin cycle,                                    
He soon pryed her firm legs apart.                          
                                                            
39014 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jayne                    



If fellows don't come on the scene,                         
On vibrating things they are keen.                          
If not those sex toys,                                      
They'll often get joys                                      
From a lean on a washing machine.                           
                                                            
39015 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Tiddy Ogg                



Now washing machines are no fun,                            
For Amy the naughty young nun.                              
She now washes by hand,                                     
Behind her he'll stand.                                     
Young Michael is giving her one.                            
                                                            
39016 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Jayne                    



Each day she spends more than an hour                       
In the bathroom "Just taking a shower"                      
With her legs spread obscene-                               
Ly and aiming between                                       
Them the warm water spray at full power.                    
                                                            
39017 MASTURBATION - FEMALE                                   



As she rinsed off her fingers with care,                    
A self-service redhead named Claire                         
Said, "It's Nature's plan                                   
To be loved by a man,                                       
But who wants a man's peg poking THERE?"                    
                                                            
39018 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Grand Prix Lim  954      



There once was a Jew named Nicole,                          
Who'd never been  fucked by a soul.                         
For sexual pleasures,                                       
She'd jack off with feathers,                               
Or stick dollar bills up her hole.                          
                                                            
39019 MASTURBATION - FEMALE          Loser               T9707



Poor old Robinson Crusoe!                                   
He had no woman to screw, so                                
He sat on a rock                                            
And played with his cock,                                   
Or he'd get his man Friday to do so.                        
                                                            
39020 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                               G2111



"Oh please hurry up in the loo,                             
You've been there for ages," said Sue.                      
As she knelt down to spy                                    
Through the keyhole, oh my,                                 
She did get an eyeful of goo!                               
                                                            
39021 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



There once was a young man named Ned,                       
Who once started tugging in bed.                            
His penis erupted,                                          
His sheets were corrupted,                                  
And his duvet got stuck to his head.                        
                                                            
39022 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Richard Garner           



There was a young man from Dunrose,                         
Who played with himself beneath clothes.                    
His landlady said                                           
While changing his bed,                                     
"He's a bugger for blowing his nose!"                       
                                                            
39023 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Alan Britain             



There was a young man from Peru,                            
Who took a long trip by canoe.                              
While staring at Venus,                                     
And rubbing his penis,                                      
He wound up with a handful of goo.                          
(He wound up with a canoe full of goo.)                     
39024 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



There once was a gangster named Brown,                      
The wiliest bastard in town.                                
He was caught by the G-men                                  
While shooting his semen,                                   
Where the cops would all slip and fall down.                
                                                            
39025 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                               L1599



Be careful when chokin' that chicken,                       
As they can't take too much of a lickin'.                   
It might get angry and cry                                  
And then spit in your eye,                                  
And your face to the sheets would be stickin'.              
                                                            
39026 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



So while jerkin' his gherkin', his grip                     
Was not quite firm enough and a slip                        
Of his fingers from mast,                                   
Caught you with a blast                                     
From his fist?  Is that all?  What a gyp!                   
                                                            
39027 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



A girl by the name of Jan Louie                             
Kissed me and fondled my Huey;                              
Displayed some disgust                                      
When Huey's wad bust;                                       
And Huey got Louie's hand Dewey.                            
                                                            
39028 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



A young boy by the name of Vance,                           
Would masturbate inside his pants.                          
The part he liked best                                      
Was the come he'd ingest                                    
Saying, "I'll give it just one more chance."                
                                                            
39029 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Puff Adder               



There once was a young man from France,                     
Who didn't have much of a lance.                            
His balls tasted salty,                                     
Erections were faulty,                                      
And he often came in his pants.                             
                                                            
39030 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Umpty Scratch      TP9804



A wanker, palm sticky and slick,                            
From the flog and the flip and the flick,                   
Resembles the chandler,                                     
That old tallow handler,                                    
Whose craft involved dipping his wick.                      
                                                            
39031 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Bob Giandomenico         



There was a young farmer from Delhi,                        
Whose prick reduced lovers to jelly.                        
He had them in bed,                                         
In the barn and the shed,                                   
But alone, he just came on his belly.                       
                                                            
39032 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Cheryl D                 



This Playboy is mine, I can tell                            
'Cause it has a peculiar smell.                             
Page twenty is rude                                         
And appears to be glued                                     
To another two pages as well.                               
                                                            
39033 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Peter Wilkins            



That must be this year's Volume 9,                          
For a favorite I know that is mine.                         
But I use page 22                                           
For producing goo;                                          
'Tween her legs, I would like to dine.                      
                                                            
39034 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           S C Saint                



A squeamish young fellow named Brand,                       
Thought caressing his penis was grand.                      
But he viewed with distaste                                 
The gelatinous paste                                        
That it left in the palm of his hand.                       
                                                            
39035 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                               L1247



You might find sick these words I mutter                    
And think that I'm way off my nutter                        
But my bestial sin                                          
Does often begin                                            
With a big jar of Jif peanut butter.                        
                                                            
39036 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



I take a nice big goopy gob                                 
And slob it around on my knob                               
Then let my dog lick                                        
The length of my prick                                      
She usually does quite a fine job!                          
                                                            
39037 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



There was a young fellow named Rummy,                       
Who delighted in whipping his dummy.                        
He played pocket pool                                       
With his happy old tool,                                    
Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy.               
                                                            
39038 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                               L1343



Oh it's hard to wake up from a dream,                       
To the fact things are not what they seem:                  
That you've no mate at all,                                 
And an aching left ball;                                    
Both your sheets messed and chilly with cream!              
                                                            
39039 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                               G2115



Moaned Tessie, the whore, "In this land,                    
I've met bastards who thought it was grand,                 
To retire, when inclined,                                   
With sex problems in mind,                                  
And awake with solutions in hand."                          
                                                            
39040 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



There once was a fellow named Tony,                         
Who sat and played with his baloney --                      
His only reward                                             
Was a sticky keyboard,                                      
And a spear limp as cooked macaroni!                        
                                                            
39041 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



He liked his baloney with  mustard                          
Or sometimes all covered with custard.                      
If you want a treat,                                        
Try Tony's meat;                                            
Maybe we can get him flustered.                             
                                                            
39042 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



Your own lack of height helped you here,                    
As you sat, with a tit in each ear.                         
While both ladies' hands                                    
Were stroking your glans,                                   
You got very sticky, I fear.                                
                                                            
39043 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



There once was a man from Wheeling,                         
Who pounded his pud with great feeling.                     
And just like a trout,                                      
He'd stick his mouth out,                                   
And wait for the drops from the ceiling.                    
                                                            
39044 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



A horny young fellow from Wheeling,                         
Jerked off every morn with great feeling.                   
In no time at all,                                          
He had whitewashed the wall,                                
And then started in on the ceiling.                         
                                                            
39045 MASTURBATION - GOOEY                                    



There once was a man from Darjeeling,                       
Who played with his tool with such feeling,                 
When he finally shot                                        
All the fluid he'd got,                                     
He covered the walls and the ceiling.                       
                                                            
39046 MASTURBATION - GOOEY           Hefty                    



Said a weak-willed old wastrel named Bruce,                 
Who indulged in extreme self-abuse:                         
"I try to abstain                                           
Again and again,                                            
But I like it, so hell, what's the use?"                    
                                                            
39047 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Armand E Singer       305



Gallons of spermatozoa                                      
Are pumped from guys knobs in Iowa.                         
There, washed to the seas                                   
Where a westernly breeze,                                   
Dumps the lot in the Sea of Balboa.                         
                                                            
39048 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Peter Wilkins            



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Whose pecker was six feet in girth.                         
It was of no use                                            
Except self-abuse,                                          
But he did that for all he was worth.                       
                                                            
39049 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           John Miller              



Did you ever imagine you'd own,                             
Such a special erogenous zone.                              
Where just one little touch                                 
Makes you feel so darn much,                                
With a partner or when you're alone.                        
                                                            
39050 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
The astronaut stares at the stars.                          
He grins like an elf,                                       
And says to himself                                         
Between chuckles and har-dee-har-hars:                      
                                                            
39051 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Karina                   



"Disposable condoms? Not me!                                
I don't need those rubbers, you see.                        
For my astronaut suit                                       
With vibration, to boot,                                    
Doth provide all delights Earthenly!"                       
                                                            
39052 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Karina                   



A vain physicist, hung like a horse,                        
Thought his charm an invincible force.                      
But his amorous projects                                    
Were immovable objects,                                     
And he yielded to auto-recourse.                            
                                                            
39053 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           William N. Nesbit   P9707



There was a young man named McGurk                          
Who dozed off one night after work.                         
He had a wet dream,                                         
But awoke with a scream                                     
Just in time to give it a jerk.                             
                                                            
39054 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



A patrolman who beat on his meat,                           
Wed a girl who was not too discreet.                        
So he felt no dismay                                        
When she left him one day;                                  
He was glad to be back on the beat.                         
                                                            
39055 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Albin Chaplin   3024-2994



There was a young fellow named Franz,                       
Provoked by his gonadal glands.                             
He tried various whores                                     
But found them all bores,                                   
And now is back using his hands.                            
                                                            
39056 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                               G2132



I'm aiming to play with my Todger                           
Right up to when I'm an old Codger.                         
It's better than dope                                       
And fills me with hope,                                     
Of finding a woman to roger.                                
                                                            
39057 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           SFA                      



A smart doc told his boys, understand;                      
If you don't want an arthritic hand,                        
Wanking is reliable,                                        
Keeps digits pliable,                                       
Beats taking pills and feels just grand.                    
                                                            
39058 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Edith Koch          P0011



There once was a fellow named Nick,                         
Who like to jerk off with his dick.                         
All during the day,                                         
He'd sit there and play,                                    
And then grab the bong and the Bic.                         
(marijuana cigarette and the lighter)                       
39059 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Jim Weaver Collection    



Boy Scouts are a pubescent group                            
With peckers just losing their droop.                       
They watch X-rated flicks,                                  
Then use manual tricks.                                     
Not a dry handkerchief in the troop.                        
                                                            
39060 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Derry Down Derry    P9009



There was a young Dane named Bjorn,                         
Who ate Cheetos while watching some porn.                   
The Cheetos he'd eaten                                      
While his meat, he'd beaten,                                
And that turned his penis bright orange.                    
                                                            
39061 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Tom S. Kazee             



A craftsman of north Newfoundland,                          
Upon finding his tool in demand,                            
Decided to stay                                             
With the old-fashioned way --                               
And continued to make it by hand.                           
                                                            
39062 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Keith MacMillan       21b



There was a young man of high station,                      
Attached to the Chinese Legation.                           
He liked to be fucked,                                      
And adored being sucked,                                    
But he revelled in pure masturbation.                       
(Published 1879)                                            
39063 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                               L1349



Teresa, who hails from Oak Ridge,                           
Took a midnight stroll to the fridge,                       
Saw Dad beating his meat                                    
On the toilet seat,                                         
So hard that he damaged his bridge.                         
                                                            
39064 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Uncle Jack               



There was a young fellow called Jude                        
Who frequently romped in the nude.                          
They say that he'd jack,                                    
Which left him laid back                                    
And feeling delightfully lewd.                              
                                                            
39065 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



To stop self-abuse, Harold try                              
"I'll die," keep repeating, "I'll die."                     
"I'll die," Harold swore,                                   
"I'll die and what's more,                                  
I'll die, dee-die, dee-die, dee-die..."                     
                                                            
39066 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Irving Superior     P8502



I've returned from a recent vacation,                       
Back in here to my favorite station.                        
I've tuned in the dial,                                     
Got many a smile,                                           
And enjoyed me some fierce masturbation.                    
                                                            
39067 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



I awaken as stiff as a bone;                                
It sucks to be like that, alone.                            
So early each morn,                                         
I log on and find porn,                                     
And whack off to a female from Rome.                        
                                                            
39068 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Anon                     



The shortarm of Frothingham Durkin                          
Looked fagged out from overmuch jerkin'.                    
He said, "Every night                                       
Jerkin's my big delight,                                    
For I can't in the daytime...I'm workin'!"                  
                                                            
39069 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Grand Prix Lim  724      



A boy with whom I was once chummy                           
Was told if he'd lie on his tummy,                          
It would not be so bad                                      
For a habit he had,                                         
That we used to call flogging his dummy.                    
                                                            
39070 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                               G2104



There was a young genius in Texas,                          
Who could flex his own solar plexus.                        
It made his ding bounce,                                    
And he caught every ounce                                   
Of his magical spraying of sexus.                           
                                                            
39071 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                               L1352



There was an old fellow named Bailey,                       
Who sported a well-used shillelagh.                         
When asked by a girl                                        
What made it curl,                                          
He replied that he fondled it daily.                        
                                                            
39072 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



An American bullfrog, a Yank,                               
Asked his cousin (the bloke) "What's a wank?"               
And was taken aback,                                        
When his cousin said, "Jack,                                
It's a fun thing to do with your crank."                    
                                                            
39073 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



My brain needs a workout right now;                         
So with my right hand I'll endow                            
My principal head                                           
With its daily bread:                                       
The best that a wank will allow.                            
                                                            
39074 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Randog                   



With sex as Man's prime recreation,                         
It's absence becomes deprivation                            
That few can endure.                                        
Man's greatest Home Cure                                    
Was, is, and will be masturbation.                          
                                                            
39075 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Irving Superior     P9107



He found jerking off quite appealing;                       
A curious, orgasmic feeling.                                
So he lay on the floor,                                     
Hit the fireplace, door,                                    
The window sill, wardrobe and ceiling.                      
                                                            
39076 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Alexander Baron          



There was a young fellow named Bub,                         
Who played with himself in the tub.                         
He fingered his balls,                                      
And shot on the walls,                                      
While farting out rub-a-dub-dub.                            
                                                            
39077 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Tyme 321                 



A young jacker-off of Cawnpore                              
Never felt a desire for more.                               
In bold self-reliance                                       
He cried out his defiance                                   
To the joys of the fairy and whore.                         
                                                            
39078 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                               L1252



A fellow who lived in West Perkin,                          
Was always a-jerkin' his gherkin.                           
Said he, "It's not fickle                                   
To play with my pickle;                                     
At least, my gherkin's a-workin'."                          
                                                            
39079 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



The teacher said, "Billy, please stand                      
And tell the class why life is grand."                      
So young Billy blurted,                                     
"Life's grand 'cause I squirted                             
This morning when I used my hand!"                          
                                                            
39080 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



"And what," asked the teacher, "is neat                     
About your hand that makes life so sweet?"                  
Then Billy, surmising,                                      
Said, "When fantasizing                                     
About you, my hand beats my meat!"                          
                                                            
39081 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



"My goodness, you are a sensation!"                         
The teacher said with jubilation;                           
"But I must demand                                          
To see why life's grand                                     
With your after-school demonstration."                      
                                                            
39082 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



"Today, teacher?  Make it another...                        
Or better yet, use my big brother;                          
Today after school,                                         
I've promised some fool,                                    
I'd show why life's grand to his mother!"                   
                                                            
39083 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



I found, when naughty and young,                            
And upright my dickie had sprung,                           
For a wank in the loo,                                      
Robin's-egg blue                                            
Is a colour whose virtue's unsung.                          
                                                            
39084 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



Just before I reach my zenith,                              
I slow down to catch my own breath.                         
My fingers upon 'er.                                        
They're starting to wander;                                 
"My wuv is my vewy own penith"                              
                                                            
39085 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



Romance on a hot summer's night,                            
The room lit by soft candlelight.                           
There's love in the air;                                    
I haven't a care;                                           
My true love brings me delight.                             
                                                            
39086 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Gearhart                 



I stroke and caress my love's curves,                       
And softly I whisper sweet words.                           
The seconds I'm counting                                    
As tension starts mounting.                                 
My love gets attention deserved.                            
                                                            
39087 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Gearhart                 



Just before I reach my zenith,                              
I slow down to catch my own breath.                         
My fingers upon her;                                        
They're starting to wander.                                 
"My wuv is my vewy own penith."                             
                                                            
39088 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Gearhart                 



When they sent my dumb ass off to school,                   
The nuns whacked me around with the rule.                   
I was more apt to scoff                                     
'Cause I'd heard whacking off                               
Was what turned someone into a fool.                        
                                                            
39089 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



Young James had drunk too much tea,                         
So he went to the pot for a pee.                            
There he found daddy's 'zines                               
Chock full of pre-teens;                                    
He didn't emerge until three.                               
                                                            
39090 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Jim Weaver Collection    



I had given the manual to Herb,                             
Who I think was a Pole or a Serb.                           
Took the book from the shelf                                
And then played with himself,                               
'Cause he thought that the word was a verb.                 
                                                            
39091 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



Man learned to burn timber to heat with,                    
And he fashioned utensils to eat with.                      
Though his brain he has grooved,                            
He has never improved                                       
On the hand that he uses to beat with.                      
                                                            
39092 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Albin Chaplin   3024-1866



"My dear, I shall not write your name,                      
Since you are my mistress with shame;                       
I'm pleased to inform                                       
I've bested my norm:                                        
With thoughts of you ...nine times I came."                 
                                                            
39093 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



My hands are a wonderful thing;                             
They treat me as though I'm a King.                         
No V.D. or syphilis,                                        
And sex is ambifilous..                                     
No worries producing offspring.                             
                                                            
39094 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Rodney Williams          



'Twas a fellow of Tatamagouche,                             
Who would go, when he went, with a whoosh!                  
He was frequently known                                     
To perform all alone,                                       
So had nowhere to squirt all the juice.                     
                                                            
39095 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Keith MacMillan       28c



Oh Father! I have a confession!                             
A naughty and sinful transgression!                         
I fondled myself                                            
With a deft little elf,                                     
And now he's become an obsession.                           
                                                            
39096 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           OgniGioia                



Young Gregory sat on the pot                                
And he played with his pecker and thought                   
Of lovers, fictitious,                                      
And scenes so delicious                                     
Than rather than shittin', he shot.                         
                                                            
39097 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There once was a fellow named Cronin,                       
Through whose door could be heard frenzied moanin'.         
But despite the wild rhythm,                                
No woman was with him,                                      
An avid disciple of Onan.                                   
                                                            
39098 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Lloyd Rawley             



There once were two brothers named Burns                    
Who liked to frolic in ferns.                               
They took off their pants                                   
And did a little dance;                                     
One comes while the other one yearns.                       
                                                            
39099 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Jim Weaver Collection    



Orgasm by manual action,                                    
Produces much adverse reaction.                             
There's things you can't do,                                
But one thing is true,                                      
It's only you, needs satisfaction.                          
                                                            
39100 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



Not saying it ought to be banned,                           
Since a little can surely be grand,                         
But my great consternation                                  
About masturbation                                          
Is, it's gotten a bit out of hand.                          
                                                            
39101 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



When I dined with the Rajah of Kutch,                       
He enquired, "Do you masturbate much?"                      
I replied with a stare,                                     
"That's a private affair,                                   
And I'll thank you to treat it as such."                    
                                                            
39102 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Jim Weaver Collection    



To her grandson, said inquisitive Miss Todd,                
"Do you spend your nights rubbing your rod?                 
Your old man, as a kid,                                     
Most undoubtedly did--                                      
If you don't do it too, you're quite odd."                  
                                                            
39103 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Grand Prix Lim  974 G2218



A young Catholic they caught masturbating,                  
Was told "It's a sin to be wasting                          
Your sperm!"  Said the lad,                                 
"I haven't been bad,                                        
I've been saving it all in this waste bin."                 
                                                            
39104 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Tim@raptor               



There once was a man from Grand Haven                       
And a piece of ass he was cravin'.                          
So he sat in the sand,                                      
And did it by hand,                                         
And said, "Look at the money I'm savin'."                   
                                                            
39105 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Frank Stevens            



A vision appeared before me;                                
It's loveliness did implore me.                             
To take it all in,                                          
I'll see it again,                                          
The next time my fingers explore me.                        
                                                            
39106 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



The evil that lurks in men's hearts!                        
To think how they lust after tarts!                         
Why even is school                                          
Kids play pocket pool,                                      
Abusing their most private parts.                           
                                                            
39107 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Armand E Singer       293



A father observing his son --                               
Four shakes are enough when you're done.                    
A fifth if you must.                                        
A sixth! Prevents rust?                                     
A seventh? You son-of-a-gun!                                
                                                            
39108 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Irving Superior     P8502



In massage parlors, clock-watching Clive,                   
Needs a number of girls to arrive:                          
While a team works his cock,                                
He'll be watching the clock                                 
To get off at the stroking of five.                         
                                                            
39109 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



There was an old man with a dong,                           
Who played with it all the day long.                        
They called out, "No more!                                  
You're a horrid old bore!"                                  
But secretely admired his prong.                            
                                                            
39110 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Edwardian Leer 018  P9306



Leonardo was a great titillator.                            
The Passions of Bach were still greater.                    
But boys still handle                                       
And girls still candle,                                     
For the Master of all's Masturbator.                        
                                                            
39111 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Dick Buenger        P9006



I began this with a huge expectation,                       
Of wildly concocted creation.                               
Though my block has now lifted,                             
My mind has since drifted,                                  
To thoughts of satisfying masturbation!                     
                                                            
39112 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a vixen named Candy,                            
Curvacious, exotic, quite randy.                            
A stellar love joy,                                         
And I just a boy,                                           
But thoughts of her, sure came in handy!                    
                                                            
39113 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Cyber Wizard             



A survey of young Air Force fliers                          
By psychiatrist Old Dr. Meyers,                             
Showed that ninety-eight                                    
Percent masturbate,                                         
And that the remainder are liars.                           
                                                            
39114 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           A. N. Wilkins       P8701



Under the spreading chestnut tree                           
The village smithy sat,                                     
Amusing himself                                             
By abusing himself,                                         
And catching it in his hat.                                 
(Also in the Ball of Ballynoor)                             
39115 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



The Chinese Ambassador Ping                                 
Was a fan of Kung Fu and I Ching (!)                        
And a gold medal winner                                     
When younger and thinner,                                   
In martial-type arts like Wang King.                        
                                                            
39116 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



In a lather all slippery and thick,                         
Earnestly trimming my wick,                                 
In a slurry of foam,                                        
When there's nobody home,                                   
No one cares how long I wash my dick.                       
                                                            
39117 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Jim Weaver Collection    



Though sport a la Portnoy was banned,                       
The boys at the school thought it grand.                    
When asked if the tried                                     
To abstain, they replied,                                   
"It's a problem we've got well in hand."                    
                                                            
39118 MASTURBATION - HAPPY                                    



Vicky, we know you're a skag.                               
We've seen pictures in that old porn mag.                   
And young boys at night                                     
Will cream with delight                                     
Over you, when you're then an old hag.                      
(complained she got online harassment)                      
39119 MASTURBATION - HAPPY           Tiddy Ogg                



I've always enjoyed fornication                             
With maidens of every nation;                               
And sucking of tits                                         
And cunt give me fits,                                      
But I prize most a joint masturbation.                      
                                                            
39120 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              G2126



Lubricious young Lulu just loves                            
To jerk off men's peckers with gloves.                      
She's in no position                                        
To consider coition,                                        
Being pregnant from previous shoves.                        
                                                            
39121 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              G2159



How many times must I tell you?                             
Said the nurse to her patient at Bellevue.                  
If your hand gets too spunky                                
While spanking your monkey,                                 
I'll be more than happy to spell you!                       
                                                            
39122 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



There was a young girl named Hannah,                        
Who loved madly her lover's banana.                         
She loved pubic hair                                        
And balls that were bare,                                   
And she jacked him off in her bandana.                      
                                                            
39123 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              L1432



A feisty young lady from Devon                              
Had to be home at half past eleven.                         
Her horny young date                                        
She did masturbate;                                         
'Twas the best wank that she'd ever given.                  
                                                            
39124 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jayne                    



There once was a waitress named Janna,                      
Who jerked sodas in Great Falls, Montana.                   
But the cowboys took notice,                                
'Cause she jerked more than sodas,                          
And had a split better than banana.                         
                                                            
39125 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



Donald's dick was a scant several inches,                   
but when stoked by his girlfriend's soft pinches,           
It grew (so they say)                                       
Several sizes that day,                                     
Just like that heart of the Grinch's!                       
                                                            
39126 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Stargazer                



The Duchess of Drood's lewd and crude,                      
And the men think her terribly rude.                        
When they swim by the docks                                 
She tickles their cocks,                                    
And laughs when the red tips protrude.                      
                                                            
39127 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              L1393



Guess what happened today;                                  
I'm almost too ashamed to say.                              
She fondled my prick,                                       
But I came too quick;                                       
We hadn't yet started to play                               
                                                            
39128 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of St. Bees,                          
Who said to his mistress, "Now please,                      
First give me a kiss,                                       
Then take hold of this,                                     
And then, very gently, of these."                           
                                                            
39129 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



While the coozy on Connie is cute                           
She won't open up for your brute...                         
She fondles your gland                                      
In her hot little hand,                                     
And caresses your root till you shoot.                      
                                                            
39130 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Grand Prix Lim  715      



So expertly she tossed me off, an'                          
My rhythm stick started to soften.                          
She said "One more time?                                    
As that old pick-up line                                    
Goes, Honey do you come here often."                        
                                                            
39131 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



There was a young fellow of Calais                          
Who took his best girl to hear Halle's.                     
When the music got flat,                                    
He played with her twat,                                    
And she did the same with his alleys.                       
                                                            
39132 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              G2096



A fair-haired young damsel named Grace                      
Thought it very, very foolish to place                      
Her hand on a cock,                                         
When it turned hard as rock,                                
For fear t'would explode in her face.                       
                                                            
39133 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              L1273



A horny young lad named Rob,                                
Whose cock did constantly throb,                            
Convinced a young lass                                      
With an exquisite ass,                                      
To give him a five-star hand job.                           
                                                            
39134 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jeeves                   



'Twas no one as kind as my neighbor,                        
A widow named Mrs Ruth Tabor,                               
Who'd show us boys thanks                                   
By giving us wanks,                                         
For doing just quick minor labor.                           
                                                            
39135 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Travis Brasell           



I too, had a neighbor who gave                              
Me fellatio so she could save                               
Me from going blind,                                        
And relief I would find,                                    
For sometimes I could dive in her cave.                     
                                                            
39136 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Tiddy Ogg                



I must have been only 'bout age                             
Thirteen when I'd stand on the stage                        
At the old ladies' club,                                    
And they'd give me a rub.                                   
What's more, they would pay me a wage.                      
                                                            
39137 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Tiddy Ogg                



An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,                         
Likes to jack off young men that she loves.                 
She will use her bare fist,                                 
If the fellows insist,                                      
But she really prefers to wear gloves.                      
                                                            
39138 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              L1264



I once knew a gal, Alice E.                                 
Whose fingers grew all callousy,                            
From stroking my member                                     
For days in September --                                    
If you ask, she'll claim it's a phallacy.                   
                                                            
39139 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



The trouble with holding you own,                           
Could indicate you've never known,                          
A woman's firm grasp                                        
On your trouser asp.                                        
I hope that your rep's not been blown.                      
                                                            
39140 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



I love to end dates with a hand job;                        
Soft hands on my dick makes my heart throb.                 
I like to start lento,                                      
Then pick up the tempo,                                     
'Till I explode with a loud sob.                            
                                                            
39141 MASTURBATION - HETERO          TuttaGioia               



A hand-job at times is appealing,                           
If done with finesse and with feeling.                      
Like lovely Louise                                          
Who can artfully tease,                                     
'Til one helplessly spray-paints the ceiling.               
                                                            
39142 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Peter Wilkins            



A hand-job I just can't deliver,                            
To make your come flow like a river.                        
I've got carpal tunnel,                                     
But I still might be one'll                                 
Be willing to set you a-quiver.                             
                                                            
39143 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jeanie                   



I've got no degree in Debauch                               
But I've heard of your legendary crotch.                    
While I can't, if you do it,                                
I can talk you through it.                                  
You wank.  I'll promise to watch.                           
                                                            
39144 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jeanie                   



But if you talk dirty and watch                             
As I play with what's here in my crotch,                    
You'll undoubtedly get                                      
So excited, mu pet,                                         
You'll invite me to plunder your notch.                     
                                                            
39145 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Peter Wilkins            



And what should a gentleman do,                             
When invited by ladies like you,                            
To indulge in such sin?                                     
Why he flashes a grin                                       
And he gives her one helluva screw.                         
                                                            
39146 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Peter Wilkins            



I'm a Mrs. so that a bit much;                              
I'm afraid I'm not free to do such.                         
But I might, at my leisure,                                 
Just give myself pleasure.                                  
You can look, but you just can't touch.                     
                                                            
39147 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jeanie                   



A compromise, Mrs, it is;                                   
Each other we'll watch do the biz.                          
But having said that,                                       
Be aware I can splat                                        
Nearly 100 yards when I jizz.                               
                                                            
39148 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Peter Wilkins            



It's not that I view this with scorn,                       
And I guess I say "thanks";  you did warn.                  
But 100 yards?                                              
That ones for the bards,                                    
But you do have a helluva horn.                             
                                                            
39149 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jeanie                   



A fisherman in old Cape Cod                                 
Had a girl with a fabulous bod.                             
He told her, "I wish                                        
That you'd help me to fish."                                
She said, "I'll just handle your rod."                      
                                                            
39150 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Ken Elwood          P8301



While soaking in bubbles and oils                           
The tub's water began to boil.                              
Her eyesight was failing,                                   
With arms and legs flailing,                                
But her fingers continued their toil!                       
                                                            
39151 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



Two winsome and willing young maids,                        
Stopped to chat with the chief of gay blades.               
It wasn't so strange                                        
That they made an exchange --                               
'Twas their business to jack off all trades.                
                                                            
39152 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Neal Wilgus         P8511



Just to please John's sexual emotion,                       
Jane gave his prick up and down motion!                     
Having never masturbated,                                   
She became so elated,                                       
When suddenly she squealed, "Jergen's Lotion?"              
                                                            
39153 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Laurence Craft           



A lad with a face that was smirky                           
Advised a young lady named Durkee,                          
That true love did not soothe                               
For the path was not smooth.                                
When she tried it, she found it was jerky.                  
                                                            
39154 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Albin Chaplin            



We know her as Nan' Absolute,                               
With magical one hand commute.                              
She had one hand free                                       
For chim-chim-chiree --                                     
That's how she made Bert's bumber shoot!                    
                                                            
39155 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



What Amber could do was quite grand.                        
Her hand jobs made little "I" stand.                        
The touch of her fingers                                    
On my mind still lingers.                                   
Oh Lord, how I miss ampersand!                              
                                                            
39156 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



A popular sport at Rodeen is                                
To fondle a gentlemen's penis.                              
But at Cheltenham College,                                  
More limited knowledge                                      
Inhibits their sexual keenness.                             
                                                            
39157 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



Popping my warts, I did make a mess,                        
All over my blue and white dress.                           
My girlfriend, to help,                                     
Yanked my dick, I did yelp;                                 
To have such a friend, one is blessed.                      
                                                            
39158 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a nurse from upstate                         
Who helped handless men masturbate.                         
But if one wanted love                                      
Without the latex glove,                                    
He paid quite a premium rate.                               
                                                            
39159 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Phil T                   



When a young girl, her dad advised Betty,                   
"In life don't sweat things that are petty,"                
Which she took at his word,                                 
But has never demurred,                                     
From petting the things that are sweaty.                    
                                                            
39160 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Bob Giandomenico         



A swami once used Spanish fly,                              
And ran clean amok to Delhi,                                
Where he jumped in the Ganges,                              
And used his phalanges                                      
To comfort the cunts swimming by.                           
                                                            
39161 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              L1541



Take more than a peek; give a shove,                        
With your hands down my undershorts, love.                  
You can play with my cock                                   
'Til it's stiff as a rock,                                  
And you send me to heaven above.                            
                                                            
39162 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



While cuddled up under the blanket                          
With a girl who I know from Melankitt,                      
I stripped off with ease                                    
And said "Darling, please...                                
Would you mind awfully much if I wank it!"                  
                                                            
39163 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a cock-teaser named Jeanie                        
Whose boy-friends all called her a meany.                   
When out necking at night,                                  
She would close her legs tight,                             
And do nothing but play with your weenie.                   
                                                            
39164 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



There once was a Goddess, a Venus,                          
Obsessed with her boyfriends big penis.                     
She loved balls that were bare,                             
His chest covered with hair,                                
And also jerked him off into Kleenex.                       
                                                            
39165 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



There was a young man from Winsocket,                       
Who put a girl's hand in his pocket.                        
Her delicate touch                                          
Thrilled his pecker so much,                                
It shot off in the air like a rocket.                       
(it shot off before he could cock it.)                      
39166 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              L1362



There was a masseuse at the club,                           
Who was giving a member a rub.                              
Said the member, rubbed red,                                
"Please, miss, use your head!                               
You're rubbing me down to a nub!"                           
                                                            
39167 MASTURBATION - HETERO          John Ciardi              



Most women have hands that do shake                         
Which petrifies my fearless snake.                          
He could never let rip,                                     
If I don't get a grip,                                      
'Cause he's sensitive, for heaven's sake!                   
                                                            
39168 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



While cuddled up under the blanket,                         
I was hot, so I asked her to wank it.                       
He cranked it and yanked it                                 
And spanked it and wanked it,                               
Then all of a sudden -- she drank it.                       
                                                            
39169 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Friar               T9712



Since the girl couldn't type, she was fired,                
Then explained how she'd come to be hired:                  
"The executive's dong                                       
Being four inches long,                                     
I thought shorthand alone was required."                    
                                                            
39170 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



"Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!"                           
Said Frank, his face covered with soot.                     
Just as she took her hand,                                  
From Joe's swollen red gland,                               
Having spanked the King of Lilliput.                        
                                                            
39171 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



A round-heeled young girl of Pratt Falls,                   
Loves to tickle the men's hairy balls.                      
This she does to her cousins,                               
And cocksmen in dozens--                                    
You should just see her sperm-spattered walls.              
                                                            
39172 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              G2189



There was a young boy named Bill,                           
Who discovered a girl named Jill                            
Could cause in his pants,                                   
A jig and a dance,                                          
And all of his seed to spill!                               
                                                            
39173 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Zephyr                   



If you'd rather jack me off with your hand,                 
Grab hold and strike up the band.                           
Ten feet it will spurt,                                     
In squirt after squirt,                                     
And my feeling will be really grand.                        
                                                            
39174 MASTURBATION - HETERO                                   



A practiced young charmer named Vance                       
Inserted her arm in Joe's pants;                            
Bypassing his tummy                                         
She grabbed at his dummy,                                   
Which started one fervid romance.                           
                                                            
39175 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Armand E Singer       830



A horny young fellow named Rick                             
Liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick.                   
He taught them to fool                                      
With his tumescent tool,                                    
'Til his well-polished member got sick.                     
                                                            
39176 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Stephen Cordwell         



The young nun and the priest, they did handle,              
Their passions to avoid a great scandal.                    
After taking some drinks,                                   
He'd jerk off in the sink,                                  
And she'd diddle herself with a candle.                     
                                                            
39177 MASTURBATION - HETERO                              G2108



While cuddled up under the blanket,                         
If you see a bare ass, you must spank it.                   
If you feel a dick                                          
About three inches thick,                                   
Then be a good friend and please yank it!                   
                                                            
39178 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



"Do you know Jim insists I'm a gem,                         
The way I wind up his stem?                                 
Well, it's simple to do                                     
And enjoyable, too,                                         
So I wish he had TWENTY of them!"                           
                                                            
39179 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Grand Prix Lim   35      



Since a stage-struck massage girl named Hart,               
Knows directors who sample her art,                         
She's aware what controls                                   
The assignment of roles                                     
Is a good working grasp of the part.                        
                                                            
39180 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



"Ball up your fist, aim and push,                           
If you want to make my twat gush,"                          
She said, "Ain't you heard?                                 
A hand in this bird,                                        
Is worth more than tool in the bush."                       
                                                            
39181 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Anon                     



While cuddled up under the blanket,                         
And your boyfriend wants you to spank it,                   
Say "What the hell!                                         
He'll never tell,"                                          
And then you can grab it and yank it!                       
                                                            
39182 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Jim Weaver Collection    



I wonder what Peter was doing                               
With Marcia; she surely was cooing.                         
When he cried "Just thank me                                
After you yank me!"                                         
All we heard after was mooing.                              
                                                            
39183 MASTURBATION - HETERO          Buckaroo                 



There was a young sailor named Peck,                        
Who kept his passion in check,                              
By thinking of rumors  (...bloomers,)                       
Of penile tumors,      (Testicular tumors,)                 
And beating his meat below deck.                            
                                                            
39184 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             G2181



A theological student, Tom Gore,                            
While using his fist for a whore,                           
Said, "It's not a solution,                                 
For total pollution,                                        
But I always can come back for more."                       
                                                            
39185 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



By the time this poem is read,                              
I will have lain down to bed.                               
I'll whip out my dick,                                      
And jerk off real quick.                                    
My sex life is all in my head.                              
                                                            
39186 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Lims For Year - 01       



One day He was strolling the street,                        
Looking for girlies to meet.                                
When he started to speak,                                   
His breath sure did reek,                                   
So he gave his poor johnson a beat.                         
                                                            
39187 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



Engaging in self masturbation,                              
As an option to real fornication,                           
But bad habits are formed                                   
And your dick gets deformed                                 
And there's premature ejaculation.                          
                                                            
39188 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Aussie Owl               



There was a young lady from Kincaid,                        
Who covered it up with a band-aid.                          
The boyfriend said, "Shit!                                  
I can't find the slit!"                                     
And helped himself out with a hand-aid.                     
                                                            
39189 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             L1282



Some people spurn masturbation;                             
They call it the scourge of the nation.                     
But to curb frustration,                                    
Simple masturbation                                         
Sure beats the hell out of castration!                      
                                                            
39190 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



I wonder about old man Marden                               
And what he planted in his garden.                          
In his great need,                                          
He planted his seed;                                        
To say what came up is a hard'n.                            
                                                            
39191 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Frank Fazed              



A practical fellow named Bruce                              
Explained why he likes self-abuse.                          
"It's cheaper than whores,                                  
Or gadgets from stores,                                     
And safer than using a goose."                              
                                                            
39192 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Armand E Singer       324



I like to do films at the Cannes                            
But it's pricey and so for the nonce,                       
I get out the lube                                          
And stare at the tube,                                      
Watching porno and stroking my schwanz.                     
                                                            
39193 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Steve Andersen      P0001



The wife had a bad yeast infection;                         
The girlfriend won't touch my erection.                     
So being a man,                                             
I take problem in hand,                                     
And try to clear up my complexion.                          
                                                            
39194 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



There was a young man from Brazil                           
Who said, "My wife screws when I will,                      
But I'd much rather neck her,                               
And play with my pecker.                                    
It's my way of deriving a thrill."                          
                                                            
39195 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             G2089



So your motorized thing doesn't work?                       
(Or it does and it's going berserk!)                        
And the scene in my mind                                    
Is obscene and I find                                       
That my thoughts make me want to j-jerk.                    
                                                            
39196 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



An old man with a dollar, in Guelph,                        
Asked a whore by the name of Miss Schelf,                   
"Have you any cheap fucks?"                                 
But the harlot said, "Shucks,                               
Save your buck -- you can do it yourself."                  
                                                            
39197 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Albin Chaplin   3024-1542



A lovely fiancee had Croylett,                              
But his morals said: "Do not despoil it!"                   
So when love and desire                                     
Welled up like hot fire,                                    
He flushed every drop down the toilet.                      
                                                            
39198 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Albin Chaplin 3024  G2110



There was a young fellow from Yale,                         
Whose face was exceedingly pale.                            
He spent his vacation                                       
In self-masturbation                                        
Because of the high price of tail.                          
                                                            
39199 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             L1363



Advice for you physical wrecks:                             
Forget jogging and medical checks;                          
You'll live ten times as long                               
If you pump up your dong                                    
And indulge in wild fantasy sex.                            
                                                            
39200 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



A tackle who played for Green Bay,                          
Was in training each night and each day.                    
Isometic coition                                            
May improve one's condition,                                
But it isn't as much fun that way.                          
                                                            
39201 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



If during your next crucial winter, Norse,                  
You challenge or vex, you shall sin perforce;               
Six-foot rhymes make me ache,                               
So please go and partake                                    
Of some non-partner sexual intercourse.                     
                                                            
39202 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Ed Potts            P9001



Whenever your mind on sex lingers,                          
Your thoughts become erotic clingers;                       
They hang on until                                          
You go for the thrill,                                      
Of changing your mind with your fingers.                    
                                                            
39203 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Travis                   



The moral, for you who are lurkin',                         
Stop jerkin' your gherkin like Perkin,                      
Don't sit there and stew,                                   
Go get you a screw,                                         
And get that old mojo a-workin'.                            
                                                            
39204 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



That hand thing will quite often work --                    
Invented by some lonely Turk --                             
A rub on your end                                           
Will help you to spend.                                     
The savings are such a great perk!!                         
                                                            
39205 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



Teresa's a glorious name,                                   
Which belongs to a glorious dame.                           
But it's true what's been said,                             
She's darned hard to bed,                                   
So I'll stick with my hand all the same.                    
                                                            
39206 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Robert                   



There are times it gets hard, all alone,                    
When I truly am down to the bone.                           
And though t'would be sweet                                 
To be making ends meet;                                     
I'm just glad to be holding my own.                         
                                                            
39207 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jerry Nordal             



There once was a Nantucket dude                             
Whose woodie was mongously rude.                            
While up, he said, "Bitch,                                  
Come and skull my bone itch,                                
Or I'll Hoover my own amplitude."                           
                                                            
39208 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         H WHELCHEL               



The son of a stingy old miser                               
Couldn't buy any tail, so he'd try, sir,                    
To fulfill expectation                                      
By slow masturbation,                                       
And now he's a real human geyser.                           
                                                            
39209 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             G2712



For celibates, involuntary,                                 
There are cures, revolutionary.                             
One old guy, Marden,                                        
Used a hole in his garden.                                  
Did the trick, but was unsanitary.                          
                                                            
39210 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Annie Jay                



"Although," said his girlfriend to Douglas,                 
"Our dates always seem to be hugless,                       
I know we could work it                                     
Without a short circuit,                                    
If only you'd jerk on your plug less."                      
                                                            
39211 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Pierce Evans             



Matthew was really hankering,                               
To give the girl bloody good tankering.                     
He was so very sad,                                         
He bought a sex mag,                                        
And spent all his time just wankering.                      
                                                            
39212 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         The Weaver Collection    



A sexual under-achiever,                                    
Was persona non grata with beaver.                          
So he wrote a critique                                      
With a title unique,                                        
"Fifty ways to be Loving your Lever."                       
                                                            
39213 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Bob Giandomenico    P9804



Now I lay me down to masturbate --                          
I pray you let me elaborate.                                
I lick and I stroke;                                        
I prod and I poke;                                          
Just like every girl without mate.                          
                                                            
39214 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Frank,                       
Who was always turning his crank.                           
He lost a good job                                          
When his wife met Big Bob,                                  
And he has only his habit to thank.                         
                                                            
39215 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



The doctor said, "Listen young Reuss,                       
I always advise self abuse.                                 
You don't have to dress,                                    
There's minimal mess,                                       
And no one begets a papoose.                                
                                                            
39216 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Armand E Singer        40



There was a young man named Herkin;                         
All day he sat there a-lurking.                             
And pulling his pud,                                        
Which made him feel good,                                   
'Cause I afraid the old muse wasn't workin'.                
                                                            
39217 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



The dinner was truly a waste                                
Because of poor John and his haste.                         
He vowed next time they meet,                               
He'd give her a treat,                                      
And both of them would get a taste.                         
                                                            
39218 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Kaylin Brandon           



Jenny Lou from next door came for dinner,                   
And attempted to make me a sinner;                          
Rubbed her belly on mine                                    
In a way so divine,                                         
That I came, though I never got in her.                     
                                                            
39219 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         John Miller              



It's a shame that your timing's so bad;                     
Think of the fun you could've had.                          
Next time, not so fast,                                     
Practice making it last;                                    
You can bet that that won't make her mad.                   
                                                            
39220 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Kaylin                   



That premature ejaculation,                                 
Was the cause of her consternation.                         
"It just takes a rub                                        
To wither that nub;                                         
What chance is there for consummation?"                     
                                                            
39221 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Frank Fazed              



The hairdresser Michael J. Crimper,                         
Seduced by a lady, went limper.                             
She wanted to boff,                                         
But he tossed himself off,                                  
Coming not with a bang but a whimper.                       
                                                            
39222 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Peter J Wilkins          



I've given up girls for the hand;                           
No need for foreplay, that's grand.                         
Doesn't want to be kissed;                                  
Love is not missed;                                         
No blame for a failure to stand.                            
                                                            
39223 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



When I get a dripping hard bump,                            
And no cushy babe wants to scrump --                        
No blue balls no more --                                    
I'll wank it for sure,                                      
And say it's good health for my pump.                       
                                                            
39224 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         H Welchel                



He gave in to the doctor's demand;                          
No booze, smokes, or sex, like he'd planned.                
But after two days, he                                      
Was going quite crazy,                                      
Until he took himself firmly in hand!                       
                                                            
39225 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



A fellow who tries to becalm                                
His lust with a fistful of balm,                            
Seems to share the same fate,                               
As a guy from Kuwait,                                       
With no dates, who returns to the palm.                     
                                                            
39226 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Bob Giandomenico         



Walking down the road one day,                              
I stopped at a whorehose on the way.                        
I had but a penny,                                          
She said, "You're not getting any!"                         
So with myself I had to play.                               
                                                            
39227 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Butler Girls       TP9802



There once was a woman named Singer,                        
Who landed herself a hum-dinger.                            
She started to drool                                        
When she took out his tool,                                 
Saying, "Now I can stop using my finger!"                   
                                                            
39228 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Laurence Craft           



Said a pimple-faced fellow named Tod,                       
"Do you know why I flog my own rod?                         
You don't get no progeny                                    
From auto-erogeny,                                          
Which is just why I flog it, by God!"                       
                                                            
39229 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Armand E Singer       618



To make love to one's hand's a delight                      
Which no one but one's self does so right.                  
The mind is at ease                                         
About social disease                                        
And the bother of guests overnight.                         
                                                            
39230 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Bob Giandomenico    P8911



An old hermit, inept at locution,                           
Could not achieve sex resolution.                           
So he thought to resort                                     
To the one handed sport,                                    
But it was not an easy solution.                            
                                                            
39231 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Albin Chaplin            



Said the Indian maiden, White Goose,                        
"No like sex but me like self abuse."                       
If you ask her why                                          
She'll tell you no lie.                                     
"Self abuse many fun, no papoose."                          
                                                            
39232 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0112



Said a wife to her husband in bed,                          
"Let's not screw, I'll give you some head."                 
He said, "If you suck                                       
The way that you fuck,                                      
I'd rather just jackoff instead."                           
                                                            
39233 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Cudik                    



I've been bashing my bishop today                           
In an off-handed manner, they say.                          
But nothing is sweeter                                      
Or neater when peter's                                      
Enjoying a bloody good lay.                                 
                                                            
39234 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Steve                    



I whanged it and pulled it and beat                         
It; the act I just couldn't complete.                       
Not even a whizz                                            
Or a fizz for my Liz,                                       
Nor a drizzle of jizz from my meat.                         
                                                            
39235 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



Cried Mrs. Bates, "Phooey on you!                           
You pitch ineffectual woo!                                  
You're so damn little use,                                  
I prefer self-abuse!"                                       
Now Mister Bates masturbates too!                           
                                                            
39236 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Grand Prix Lim  734      



She chanted, "A blowjob, that's fifty!"                     
But if you are feeling too thrifty,                         
I'll give you some oil,                                     
You can do all the toil.                                    
To watch you jerk off would be nifty.                       
                                                            
39237 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Faerie                   



Oil I have, she said swiftly.                               
Boil or not, we shall soon see.                             
Engard and touche,                                          
He started to say...                                        
But she countered "You'll still need that fifty".           
                                                            
39238 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



You may pluck me (as in pizzicato)                          
Or make love to me smooth or staccato.                      
But if you're not in the mood                               
For an amorous etude,                                       
I'll go off on my own and vibrato!                          
                                                            
39239 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man who enjoyed the society                         
Of girls to the point of satiety,                           
Sometimes had half a mind                                   
To leave them behind                                        
And jerk himself off for variety.                           
                                                            
39240 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Isaac Asimov             



Whenever I'm feeling a little sick,                         
To cheer up, I write a limerick.                            
But sometimes I ponder                                      
And actually wonder,                                        
Would I be better off stroking my dick?                     
                                                            
39241 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



"Jack, don't play with girls who are naughty,"              
Said dad, "or with girls who are haughty."                  
So Tom sat and thought,                                     
Then did what he ought;                                     
He played with himself and friend Autey.                    
                                                            
39242 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



So now we all know Clay's a chubby;                         
It explains why he plays with his stubby.                   
He can't have intercourse,                                  
'Cause he sweats like a horse,                              
And the hair on his belly feels shrubby.                    
                                                            
39243 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



A cataclysmic altercation                                   
Demolished their cohabitation.                              
It's not a solution,                                        
But a poor substitution;                                    
He relies on nocturnal masturbation.                        
                                                            
39244 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



"Great God!", wailed Peter McGuff,                          
"What the hell is all of this stuff!                        
She twiddles my prick,                                      
Gets it stiff as a stick,                                   
Then denies me the use of her muff!"                        
                                                            
39245 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             G1580



Oh masturbation ain't bad, when alone;                      
And you won't go blind, studies have shown.                 
I still have all my lovers,                                 
But if alone under covers,                                  
I do it, but I'd rather get blown!                          
                                                            
39246 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



Sex Manuals. "Manus"--the hand.                             
The hand becomes vagina-land.                               
A fantasized breast                                         
By left hand caressed                                       
While right hand begins to expand.                          
                                                            
39247 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Irving Superior     P9108



There was a young man from the Bronx,                       
Who when offered a piece said, "No thonx."                  
He said, "I declare,                                        
I prefer solitaire,                                         
And all that I do is just yonx."                            
                                                            
39248 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             L1249



I got me some newbie last night.                            
It made me feel sixtreen, alright.                          
The girl was so young,                                      
The rim of her bung                                         
Was far less a brown than a white.                          
(used new rubber gloves)                                    
39249 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         H Welchel                



The master's been saving up spoo.                           
He's not spanked it all in the loo.                         
As B P flies home,                                          
To E's honey-comb,                                          
He'll drip us with pent-up lim goo.                         
                                                            
39250 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



Beware of the pimp...he's a brute                           
Who procures for a vile prostitute...                       
He entices to vice,                                         
But vice with a price...                                    
Try the self-service sex substitute.                        
                                                            
39251 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Grand Prix Lim  816      



There was a young man from Ukraine,                         
Who found out that wanking's a drain.                       
Keeps pounding the meat;                                    
He's dead on his feet,                                      
But he has too much sex on the brain.                       
                                                            
39252 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Archie                   



There was a young man named Mirkin,                         
Who kept on ajerkin' his gherkin;                           
Said his wife to Mirkin,                                    
"Your duty you're shirkin',                                 
That gherkin's for firkin', not jerkin'." (you bastard!)    
                                                            
39253 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                             L1318



Seems Clay was a little bit bitter;                         
He was left back at home with the 'sitter;                  
Logged on his computer,                                     
Thought the 'sitter was cuter,                              
And made love to his hand in the shitter.                   
                                                            
39254 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Jim Weaver Collection    



Does he have low expectations?                              
He's appeased by prestidigitations.                         
But legerdemain                                             
Is never the same                                           
As hot, secret-place palpitations.                          
                                                            
39255 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Lucy                     



You now just have it quite right;                           
A hand job, no matter how tight,                            
Is not just the same,                                       
And cannot inflame                                          
The passions coitions ignite.                               
                                                            
39256 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         TuttaGioia               



But sometimes conditions dictate                            
(And oft if your date has a mate)                           
That you share what you can,                                
Though the passion's less than                              
What that mate, who awaits, will create.                    
                                                            
39257 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         TuttaGioia               



The moralist laws are vexation                              
And lead to the thoes of frustration.                       
When your hot, throbbing root                               
Is just begging to shoot,                                   
Thank God there is still masturbation.                      
                                                            
39258 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Yesterday I had a hankerin'                                 
For Nantucket whores but my banker in                       
My home town called, said "Trav,                            
Since cash you don't have,                                  
Just stay home and settle for wankerin'."                   
                                                            
39259 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Travis Brasell           



A streetwalker, working the Strand,                         
Propositioned that tightwad, Durand.                        
He said, "At that price,                                    
My reply is: No Dice!                                       
My sex needs I have well in hand."                          
                                                            
39260 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Grand Prix Lim  456 G0662



I'd like to believe that it's true,                         
That you don't go blind when you do                         
The unspeakable deed,                                       
That we all sometimes need.                                 
(I'm typing with one hand, not two.)                        
                                                            
39261 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Dennis Galion            



Since James caught himself in the can,                      
He has been such a timid young man.                         
While a well-squished appendage                             
Is a DEAD living-endage,                                    
It is cowardly to use a bed pan...                          
                                                            
39262 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Grand Prix Lim  465      



I woke up this morning quite randy.                         
Just as hard as that striped Christmas candy.               
But my wife wasn't here,                                    
For to handle my gear.                                      
So I just had to use what was handy.                        
                                                            
39263 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



A hermit who lived all alone                                
Had never been sucked on or blown.                          
But he fulfilled his need                                   
By spilling his seed                                        
Every time that he sat on the throne.                       
                                                            
39264 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Neal Wilgus         P8302



You're finding no-one understands,                          
Your wife's run off with your mate Stan,                    
Your life's full of strife,                                 
Take a gun or a knife...                                    
No, just go and play with your gland.                       
                                                            
39265 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD                                  



There once was a man called Carey,                          
Who definitely was not a fairy.                             
Masturbation, Yes!                                          
But nothing less                                            
Than a woman could turn on his berry.                       
                                                            
39266 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD         Larry Rogers             



When the lady's away, I must yell                           
'Cause the rooster wakes up stiff as hell.                  
And choking that chicken                                    
Is nothing like stickin'                                    
His head in his favorite well.                              
                                                            
39267 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Sluggo                   



While sipping a fine glass of claret,                       
I considered fucking my parrot.                             
The bird read my mind,                                      
Said, "Don't touch my behind."                              
So I settled for cuffing my carrot.                         
                                                            
39268 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Johnboy                  



As I sat pounding away on my pin,                           
A great surge willed up from within.                        
The parrot marked time,                                     
As I spurted my slime,                                      
And the blast hit me under my chin.                         
                                                            
39269 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Johnboy                  



There's a girl whom my passion once fanned,                 
From whose boudoir I since have been banned.                
Though the passion does surge,                              
I can master the urge,                                      
If I take myself firmly in hand.                            
                                                            
39270 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED                          



For now, my dear horny boy,                                 
Another you'll have to employ.                              
If you can't find someone                                   
To take care of your gun,                                   
Just grease up your five-fingered toy.                      
                                                            
39271 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Robyn                    



A two-timing welcher named Prideaux                         
Would never pay tarts what he did owe.                      
And thus it is, latterly,                                   
He reads Lady Chatterley,                                   
And sleeps with the five-fingered widow.                    
                                                            
39272 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED                     G2191



A poor mother's boy, Stevie Crummy,                         
Felt far too much love for his mummy.                       
When told, for a lad,                                       
Such passion was bad,                                       
He started to flogging his dummy.                           
                                                            
39273 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Armand E Singer      130A



A bashful young freshman named Rummy                        
Is lonely and misses his mummy;                             
He pretends he's in bed                                     
With a naked coed,                                          
And promptly starts floggin his dummy.                      
                                                            
39274 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Armand E Singer       130



My balls are blue; I'm in pain.                             
In hornus extremis, it's plain                              
No babes in sight;                                          
One cure for my plight                                      
The four sisters on Thumb Street again.                     
                                                            
39275 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Mr Malo                  



To my Fan Club, I offer my thanks.                          
I assure everyone in the ranks                              
That my old girl's forgotten.                               
I'll find some new twat, in                                 
Between giving Junior some yanks!                           
                                                            
39276 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Writerman                



As a survey has recently shown,                             
When a husband is tactlessly prone                          
To demand wifely thrills,                                   
In the contest of wills,                                    
He may finish just holding his own.                         
                                                            
39277 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED                          



A recluse who lived in Cologne,                             
Explained why he lived all alone.                           
"I have no use for ladies,                                  
They can all go to Hades --                                 
I'm accustomed to holding my own."                          
                                                            
39278 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Albin Chaplin   3024-2500



I'm not married; I still live alone.                        
And have, since I broke up with Joan.                       
"But what about sex?                                        
Have any prospects?"                                        
"It's not great, but I'm holding my own."                   
                                                            
39279 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Al Willis           P9603



As one who's eluded the 'banns';                            
Don't get much, and that's where it stands.                 
When a random erection                                      
Brings on sheer dejection,                                  
I take matters into my own hands.                           
                                                            
39280 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Ogden Nield              



There is a man named Sands,                                 
Whose wife refuses his demands                              
For sex normal or perverted,                                
So now he has reverted                                      
To taking matters into his own hands                        
                                                            
39281 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED                          



Paddy bought condoms in a packet;                           
He kept them at hand in his jacket.                         
His mom threw them out,                                     
Saying, "No girls, you lout!"                               
But she does let her son Paddy whack it!                    
                                                            
39282 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED John K. Roberts     P9302



I asked about giving her head,                              
But she said to me, "Where is your cred-                    
it card? Licking me here                                    
Will cost hundreds, my dear."                               
So I played with my willy instead.                          
                                                            
39283 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Peter Wilkins            



This drink to be drunk is what calms                        
The sightless, old skunk beggin' alms.                      
For now he forgets                                          
All the time he regrets                                     
That he spent with that wench, Rosie Palms.                 
                                                            
39284 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Vinnie             TP9804



That great Latin lover Jesus                                
Was teeming with sexual juice;                              
When he couldn't find chicks                                
To provide him with kicks,                                  
He went in for free self-abuse.                             
                                                            
39285 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Armand E Singer       958



There was a poor Spaniard, Jesus,                           
Who couldn't afford a papoose,                              
High-priced orchidectomy,                                   
Much less a vasectomy,                                      
So he took up instead, self-abuse.                          
                                                            
39286 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED Armand E Singer       774



I chase all the girls when I'm spunky;                      
A five day a week sexual junky.                             
I tend not to stray                                         
On Tues- or Wednes- day;                                    
On those nights, I spank my own monkey.                     
                                                            
39287 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED                          



Once Hampton had made his decision,                         
His statement was met with derision.                        
Addressing the nation,                                      
He claimed Masturbation                                     
Was the thinking man's television.                          
                                                            
39288 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED                          



This summer's been not one for braggin';                    
No hot ones have I been a shaggin'.                         
I'm often alone                                             
And sportin' a bone,                                        
So I end up a yankin' my dragon.                            
                                                            
39289 MASTURBATION - INSTEAD - NAMED                          



There was a young fellow called Lloyd                       
Who was frequently under-employed                           
At his regular job,                                         
So he polished his knob                                     
Making customers very annoyed.                              
                                                            
39290 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          OgniGioia                



When writer's block shows me no mercy,                      
The method I use to get 'versy'                             
Is this: I will ponder                                      
Those ewes over yonder,                                     
And jerk-off like hell on my percy!                         
                                                            
39291 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Anon                     



A bumpkin behind Albuquerque                                
Was discovered while jerking his turkey.                    
Said he with a grin:                                        
"Some say it's a sin,                                       
But it's better than going berserky!"                       
                                                            
39292 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Grand Prix Lim  338 G2072



A lusty young man named Malone                              
Knocked up every girl in Athlone.                           
Their doom had been fated                                   
When he masturbated                                         
On top of the old Blarney Stone.                            
                                                            
39293 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              G1686



The act upon which some have frowned                        
Is the same one that others have found                      
To be every boy's right --                                  
But when done in plain sight,                               
Is certainly bound to astound.                              
                                                            
39294 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Norm Storer         P9812



A soldier named Douglass McDougall,                         
Was caught jacking off in his bugle.                        
Said they of the army,                                      
"We think that you're barmy,"                               
Said he, "It's the new way to frugle."                      
                                                            
39295 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              L1294



There was a young man of Calcutta,                          
Who jerked himself off in the gutter.                       
But the tropical sun,                                       
Played hell with his gun,                                   
And turned all the cream into butter.                       
                                                            
39296 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              L1251



There was a young fellow from Berkeley,                     
Who sat with his friends around circly.                     
At the sound of command,                                    
They all grabbed with one hand                              
And they got each other off jerkily.                        
                                                            
39297 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Chairman Steve           



There was a bank teller named Sonny,                        
Whose personal habits were funny.                           
Every day, without fault,                                   
He'd jerk off in the vault                                  
'Cause he wanted to come into money.                        
                                                            
39298 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



In a laundromat, waiting to rinse,                          
An innocent fellow named Vince                              
Saw lush Lulu McLean                                        
Screw a washing machine,                                    
And he hasn't been quite the same since!                    
                                                            
39299 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Grand Prix Lim  471      



As Sandy taught scales to a Turk,                           
He opened his pants with a smirk.                           
"My landy!" said Sandy,                                     
"I'll admit it's a dandy,                                   
But you must do your own finger work."                      
                                                            
39300 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Joseph Kesselring   P8312



There was a young laddie from Krakow,                       
Who sat on a bus with his mack off.                         
He said to the girl                                         
Who sat next to him, "Shirl,                                
Do you mind if I sit her and jack off?"                     
                                                            
39301 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Peter Wilkins            



The girl looked at him, and said "Back off --               
There's no need for you to just jack off.                   
If you'll leave it to me,                                   
I'll help you, you see --                                   
I'll do you from here back to Krakow!"                      
                                                            
39302 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Kaylin                   



A dirty old hermit at leisure,                              
When caught in the act of self pleasure,                    
Was jailed and then fined,                                  
Had hands tied behind,                                      
Which he thought a DRACONIAN measure.                       
                                                            
39303 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Chris Papa               



Amidst squealing brakes and horns tooting,                  
Some drivers resort to cursing and hooting.                 
I just masturbate,                                          
While in traffic I wait,                                    
And when I come, it's a drive by shooting.                  
                                                            
39304 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



There was a young man who supposed                          
That his door had been properly closed.                     
But it opened a crack                                       
While he had a good jack,                                   
And his glory was somewhat exposed.                         
                                                            
39305 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was an old chap from Regina                           
Who was feeling his tool in a diner.                        
But he stopped in mid-stroke,                               
Said: "It's not that it's broke,                            
It's just that if feel some angina."                        
                                                            
39306 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Jim Weaver Collection    



An old masturbator from Thrace                              
Jacked off with his cock in a race.                         
As the sperm from it poured,                                
Like a rocket it soared,                                    
And established a first into space.                         
                                                            
39307 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Albin Chaplin   3024-1909



The skydiver Daniel McDopp,                                 
Used to masturbate right from the top.                      
Whenever he fell,                                           
He jerked like hell.                                        
He was good to the very last drop.                          
                                                            
39308 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Havana,                          
Who continually played the piana.                           
'Til once his hand slipped,                                 
And his fly it ripped,                                      
And out slipped a hairy banana.                             
                                                            
39309 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              L1277



The morals of this fellow from France                       
Has us savages looking askance.                             
His superior smile                                          
Is a bore after awhile,                                     
And why is his hand in his pants.                           
                                                            
39310 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Grand Prix Lim   33 G2129



Though to him a great source of elation,                    
Joe's hobby caused others vexation.                         
He'd sit beating his meat                                   
In a bar on 9th Street,                                     
And attempt to hit Grand Central Station.                   
                                                            
39311 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Michael Weinstain   P9804



There was a young fellow from Rome                          
Who'd preach about, "Sex When Alone."                       
His joyous oration                                          
On sublime masturbation,                                    
When in church, always got him sent home.                   
                                                            
39312 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Robert Elliot            



There once was a man from Fordham,                          
Who played with his thing out of boredom.                   
A few who passed                                            
Were completely aghast,                                     
But most folks just simply ignored him.                     
                                                            
39313 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          MrMalo                   



The traffic was backed up a mile,                           
So I shut off my engine a while,                            
And sat there and wanked.                                   
When finished I thanked                                     
The Fates for an autostroke style.                          
                                                            
39314 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



For a job at the sperm bank went Dades;                     
His experience encompassed all grades.                      
Said the man at the head,                                   
"There's no more to be said,                                
You can start as our Jack Off ALL Trades."                  
                                                            
39315 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Albin Chaplin            



He told his girlfriends to bug off;                         
Betty Jaques is his true better-half.                       
Bill Gough's full of pride                                  
Over his Christmas bride.                                   
Newpaper head-line - "Jacques-Gough"                        
                                                            
39316 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Ed Wolfert          P8211



There once was a queer named Stan                           
Who was caught with his dick in hand.                       
He missed not a beat                                        
Pounding his meat,                                          
And said "Come on boys, join my gay band".                  
                                                            
39317 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



An introvert lad named Pierre                               
Who played with himself in the square,                      
Said, "I must confess,                                      
When I come, it's a mess,                                   
But I let it lay there--I don't care."                      
                                                            
39318 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              G2185



A little about the Limerick boy:                            
My penis is my favorite toy.                                
I sit at the table                                          
And pull on my cable.                                       
Spermatozoa is my pride and joy!                            
                                                            
39319 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Jim Weaver Collection    



To tit-loving Tim 'tis a treat                              
To see Sue, soprano, sing sweet                             
Cantatas, bust heaving,                                     
And ere he is leaving,                                      
The show, he beats cream from his meat.                     
                                                            
39320 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw                             
Did await the old stage east to Wichita;                    
And moon-ward, such howling                                 
'Bout wild pussy-prowling!                                  
They wanked and they yanked; rubbed their cocks raw!        
                                                            
39321 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



At the table, a young man named Zobblet                     
Liked to take out his wienie and wobble it.                 
His mother said, "Urk!                                      
Use the bathroom, you jerk;                                 
I don't want that cream in my goblet."                      
                                                            
39322 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              G2235



At a roadhouse, Ron practiced his hobby,                    
'Til the ale made him feel quite knobby.                    
The judge settled matters,                                  
"Ron clean up the splatters!                                
You can't pull your tool in the lobby!"                     
                                                            
39323 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Douglas Anderson         



Ron answered, "Your honor, beg pardon!                      
Not the lobby, but out in the garden!                       
That's where I spanked Willy;                               
Don't make me look silly!                                   
I know how to handle my hard-on.                            
                                                            
39324 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Douglas Anderson         



Y'know, back in old western lore,                           
When you went to your favorite whore,                       
Your gun was for fun.                                       
But listen, my son:                                         
Don't "fan" that thing here, indoors!                       
                                                            
39325 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



A squire commuting from Kent                                
Recovered the land of content                               
By committing crimes                                        
In the London Times,                                        
That his journey should not be misspent.                    
                                                            
39326 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Gents Alphabet Book P9512



Her hand in my lap, my wife ought                           
To worry about getting caught.                              
"But now that I've started,                                 
I'm going whole-hearted,                                    
And lover, I'm stopping for naught."                        
                                                            
39327 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Jim Thompson             



"Just stop that this minute, my son."                       
"But why, mom?  It's awful good fun."                       
"For God's sake, you're thirty;                             
I've told you, young Bertie,                                
In public it just isn't done."                              
                                                            
39328 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Peter Wilkins            



There was a young sailor named Gasted,                      
A swell guy, as long as he lasted.                          
He could jerk himself off,                                  
In a basket aloft,                                          
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.                 
                                                            
39329 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              L0298



There's a man in New York name of Bobby,                    
Who's delight in himself was his hobby.                     
He rode the lift down,                                      
While "a goin' to town".                                    
He arrived when he came at the lobby.                       
                                                            
39330 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



The joy to be had on the phone;                             
You know you are never alone.                               
Soft whispers and sighs,                                    
Your hand twixt your thighs,                                
One there for your last frenzied moan.                      
                                                            
39331 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



The cast of The Kids In The Hall,                           
Likes to fondle with each other's balls.                    
If you know what I'm saying,                                
Their fondling and playing,                                 
Resulted in come on the wall!                               
                                                            
39332 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Pee-Wee, "Please don't think me randy.                 
I was eating my popcorn and candy,                          
And all on my own,                                          
Toasted George M. Cohan                                     
And...I Yanked My Noodle, It's a Dandy!"                    
                                                            
39333 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Theo Heller         P9110



I'd *never* kill off SFA!                                   
His pipe organ oft made my day.                             
One night in Caracas,                                       
He shook my maracas                                         
And then, with himself, he did play.                        
                                                            
39334 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



Otis sat on the dock of the Bay,                            
And nothing there was left to say.                          
So he drank to his health,                                  
And played with himself,                                    
Till the police came and took him away.                     
                                                            
39335 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Cyril Mumford       T9801



In China, they call him Wong,                               
Who pricked his prick with a prong.                         
"What a sound!" they did state                              
As Wong did masturbate;                                     
It replaced the Emperor's gong!                             
                                                            
39336 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          John A.                  



A man who once live in Cedar                                
Had a job in the yard as a weeder.                          
He decided to play,                                         
And was fired the next day                                  
For not pulling weeds, but his peter!                       
                                                            
39337 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Lims For Year - 01       



In chapel, the sight of young May                           
Caused young Timothy trouser affray,                        
And a sticky wet palm                                       
At the end of the psalm,                                    
When the minister said "Let us spray!"                      
                                                            
39338 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Peter Wilkins            



Joe received an engraved invitiation                        
To join the Masters of Masturbation.                        
At his very first meeting,                                  
Before they started beating,                                
A sandpaper glove for initiation.                           
                                                            
39339 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          John Chastaine           



A cheeky young cowpoke named Hank,                          
Went into the woods with a plank.                           
For three or four winters,                                  
He suffered from splinters,                                 
But he laughed all the way to the Bank.                     
                                                            
39340 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Kevin Hale               



It's true that I once was a scout                           
And remember my scout-master shout,                         
"Time to waggle your woggles!"                              
(The mind truly boggles.)                                   
No wonder I paid to get out.                                
                                                            
39341 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



This has made me remember Brown Owl;                        
How obeying her just made me howl.                          
Dressed up in brown                                         
Only made me frown;                                         
Good riddance to old Baden Powell.                          
                                                            
39342 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                                   



There was a young lady from Lancs,                          
Who was ace a two-handed wanks.                             
The boys queued all day                                     
And were oft heard to say,                                  
"Super, fantastic, and thanks."                             
                                                            
39343 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Anon                     



For hours I'd been sat on the loo,                          
Engrossed with my didgeridoo;                               
When who should barge in                                    
But my great Auntie Lynn,                                   
Who I fear copped a faceful of goo.                         
                                                            
39344 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Peter Wilkins            



Of unstable morals, young Burke,                            
Always sits on a park bench to jerk.                        
To the idlers in shock,                                     
He waggles his cock,                                        
Saying, "Folks, it's more pleasure than work."              
                                                            
39345 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              G2095



Wanking is tidy and neat,                                   
Convenient on foot or a-seat.                               
But once I passed out                                       
With my wand hanging out,                                   
Awaking, hand stuck to my meat.                             
                                                            
39346 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          H Whelchel               



There was a young man of St. Paul's,                        
Possessed the most useless of balls.                        
Till at last, at the Strand,                                
He managed a stand,                                         
And tossed himself off in the stalls.                       
                                                            
39347 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC                              L1344



Cried a young whacker off, "I'll be crowned                 
As the champ when the word gets around.                     
I've convincingly showed                                    
That I'm first with my load!                                
I can beat any jerk, pound for pound!"                      
                                                            
39348 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Jim Weaver Collection    



Pulling his pecker while cooking,                           
Made him feel like a golfer who's hooking.                  
But surprise was his fate,                                  
For while pulling, he ate,                                  
And his whole family just stood there, looking.             
                                                            
39349 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Dundee                           
Who went in a rest room to pee.                             
There a handsome young stud                                 
Played around with his pud.                                 
My God!  How I wish it was me!                              
                                                            
39350 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In his jet plane, a pilot named Jock,                       
Raced west and was beating the clock.                       
When the date-line was crossed,                             
The race it was lost --                                     
So he sat down and beat on his cock.                        
                                                            
39351 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Albin Chaplin   3024-1870



If you'd like to watch me, Jack,                            
Go ahead while I give it a whack.                           
But if I were you,                                          
The first thing I would do,                                 
Is take about fives steps back.                             
                                                            
39352 MASTURBATION - PUBLIC          Bullwinkle               



From Jack's house, I hear a moan,                           
Then panting, a giggle, a groan;                            
A desperate cry,                                            
Then a final sigh...                                        
So sad that he's there all alone.                           
                                                            
39353 MASTURBATION - SAD             Ericka                   



There once was a man from Beijing,                          
Who invented a jack-off machine.                            
He put his prick in it                                      
At a thousand a minute,                                     
And battered his poor balls to cream.                       
                                                            
39354 MASTURBATION - SAD             Anon                     



I've tried taking care of my gland                          
But, it's not enough, don't you understand                  
When flying solo                                            
My esteem is too low,                                       
And I can't seem to fix this by hand                        
                                                            
39355 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



A spritely young lady named Joan                            
Invited a lad on the phone                                  
To rush over there,                                         
But he cried in dispair,                                    
"It's too late, I have sinned all alone!"                   
                                                            
39356 MASTURBATION - SAD             Albin Chaplin   3024-1868



It's been months since I last did some shaggin';            
My penis is quite "on the wagon."                           
A callous or two                                            
Will just have to do.                                       
My left arm now looks rather laggin'.                       
                                                            
39357 MASTURBATION - SAD             Dudes Dead               



John Wayne Bobbitt, unfortunate bum,                        
Is back in his hospital room.                               
He took physical therapy                                    
A little too seriously;                                     
Now he's got carpal tunnel syndrome.                        
                                                            
39358 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



There was a teenager named Fritz,                           
Who would masturbate looking at tits,                       
In photos he'd bought,                                      
Until the guy caught                                        
Epilepsy and suffered from fits.                            
                                                            
39359 MASTURBATION - SAD             A. N. Wilkins       P8701



A girl's foot was sufficient for Pete                       
To set the guy beating his meat,                            
And it was this kink                                        
Which caused the great shrink                               
To label him clearly effete.                                
                                                            
39360 MASTURBATION - SAD             A. N. Wilkins       P8708



My buddy, Nueromancer, from school,                         
Would fiddle non-stop with his tool.                        
He thought it real sweet                                    
To beat with his feet;                                      
His eyes would roll up and he'd drool.                      
                                                            
39361 MASTURBATION - SAD             Taxciter                 



I cautioned him strongly to stop it;                        
At least use a come-rag to mop it.                          
The dorm smelled like spunk,                                
And toe jelly funk,                                         
From hourly attempts to pop it.                             
                                                            
39362 MASTURBATION - SAD             Taxciter                 



Rocking night and day like a retard,                        
He worked up a callous so hard,                             
One slip of the toe                                         
Soon dealt him a blow                                       
That partially crushed his right nard.                      
                                                            
39363 MASTURBATION - SAD             Taxciter                 



It swelled to the size of an onion,                         
And stank like a three-day-old grunion.                     
Though he killed his right ball,                            
He still comes when we call,                                
"Have you any heft left, Deadly Bunion?"                    
                                                            
39364 MASTURBATION - SAD             Taxciter                 



There once was a young man from Kent                        
Who gave up masturbation for Lent.                          
His hand never played                                       
Till the Easter Parade,                                     
And millions were drowned when he went. (spent?)            
                                                            
39365 MASTURBATION - SAD                                 G2151



A young man about whom I heard tell,                        
Was pullin' his pud to beat hell.                           
He'd diddle his thumb                                       
Until it was numb.                                          
And then he'd shoot off with a yell.                        
                                                            
39366 MASTURBATION - SAD             Dave                     



He yanked so much on his willy,                             
He lost circutation, the silly.                             
Now his penis, no feeling,                                  
He stares at the ceiling.                                   
Doesn't this tale make you all chilly?                      
                                                            
39367 MASTURBATION - SAD             Dave                     



The lesson is plain to all wankers,                         
Jerkoff and pudding yankers.                                
If you grip it too hard,                                    
You'll end up in the yard.                                  
And only yourself to thank(ers).                            
                                                            
39368 MASTURBATION - SAD             Dave                     



This morning I have in my yard stood                        
And pondered: "I'll write as a bard should                  
Throughout the whole weekend,                               
And hope I've not weakened                                  
My hands from the tug of my hardwood.                       
                                                            
39369 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



Clay was a high school drop-out.                            
On the way to class he'd reroute                            
To the Seven-Eleven,                                        
To find Playboy heaven;                                     
Chose to flunk while jerking his trout.                     
                                                            
39370 MASTURBATION - SAD             Jim Weaver Collection    



St. Valentine must be a fairy,                              
The boyfriends he sticks us with--scary!                    
I now understand                                            
Best to just use your hand,                                 
Even though your palms may get hairy!                       
                                                            
39371 MASTURBATION - SAD             CB                       



There once was a horny young man,                           
Who'd masturbate into a can.                                
He said, with a sigh,                                       
"Now I know why                                             
There's hair on the palm of my hand."                       
                                                            
39372 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



Let us pity a fellow named Heep --                          
He was spurned by all harlots as cheap.                     
Then the ultimate blow                                      
Which the Fates could bestow --                             
When he jacked-off, his hand fell asleep.                   
                                                            
39373 MASTURBATION - SAD             Albin Chaplin   3024-2978



I'm terribly sorry I kissed Ed--                            
His mind is, I fear, a bit twisted.                         
I like, 'quelque pew'                                       
Masturbating 'a deux',                                      
But it hurts me to find he's tightfisted.                   
(quelque pew - ??)                                          
39374 MASTURBATION - SAD                                 G2390



At the pub, a man picked up a wog,                          
And fucked her like she was a dog.                          
'Twas then he confides,                                     
I can't touch the sides;                                    
I'm better off having a flog.                               
                                                            
39375 MASTURBATION - SAD             Steve Wales              



Said an ailing old bachelor named Goff,                     
"I've got cancer, plus syph, and a cough.                   
I am broke, I've no wife,                                   
It's one hell of a life,                                    
But at least I can jack myself off."                        
                                                            
39376 MASTURBATION - SAD             Armand E Singer       436



I think that my neighbor is ill;                            
He's in love with my automobile.                            
Every morning he'll wank                                    
In the gasoline tank,                                       
For it gives him one helluva thrill.                        
                                                            
39377 MASTURBATION - SAD             Peter Wilkins            



I've just walked back in through my door,                   
And I've worked all night and I'm sore.                     
I won't get a screw                                         
So I'll have to make do                                     
With Ma thumb and her fat daughters, four.                  
                                                            
39378 MASTURBATION - SAD             Tim Fisher               



Mad Joe had fish in his head.                               
They squirmed and he wished he were dead.                   
They made him insane,                                       
Those fish in his brain,                                    
So he jacked off all day in his bed.                        
                                                            
39379 MASTURBATION - SAD             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a security guard                             
Who had troubles just keeping it hard.                      
He jerked it off nightly,                                   
And squeezed it tightly,                                    
while looking at his I.D. card.                             
                                                            
39380 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



Little Wu Li from Nanking,                                  
Was caught red-handed, wanking.                             
"It's mere a drill, mum.                                    
Not even to come, mum.                                      
But mom thought the lad needed spanking.                    
                                                            
39381 MASTURBATION - SAD             Mr Blister               



There's a nice couch-potato named Frank,                    
And into depression he sank.                                
He lived on a farm                                          
And had not an arm,                                         
So how is he supposed to wank?                              
                                                            
39382 MASTURBATION - SAD             Anon                     



Observed a wise teacher named Hood,                         
"It doeth a lad little good,                                
Caught flogging his dummy                                   
To blame it on mummy!                                       
He's sure to be misunderstood."                             
                                                            
39383 MASTURBATION - SAD             Armand E Singer       840



A mother, distraught, of the South,                         
Warned her masturbatory son Ralph,                          
"It says in the Psalms                                      
You'll get hair on the palms."                              
"But Mother, you've none in your mouth!"                    
                                                            
39384 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



A girl that I knew in times past,                           
Said "All these fool yachties are bast-                     
Ards.  You get no play,                                     
'Cause constantly they                                      
Are playing around with their mast."                        
                                                            
39385 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



Masturbation, to me, is an art,                             
For I do love to play with my part.                         
I still have my sight,                                      
But I'm lonely tonight;                                     
There is no jacking-off for the heart.                      
                                                            
39386 MASTURBATION - SAD             Dohpaz                   



In the milking machine Father Schwartz                      
Caught his member, the paper reports.                       
It may take until May                                       
To release him, they say;                                   
There's no shut off at less than two quarts.                
                                                            
39387 MASTURBATION - SAD             Bob Giandomenico    P9011



Said a newlywed lady named Wright:                          
"This gross self-abuse is a fright.                         
I must really repeat                                        
That you can't beat your meat,                              
And cohabit with me the same night."                        
                                                            
39388 MASTURBATION - SAD                                 G2232



A quarrelsome cutie named Wright                            
Cried, "Your gross self-abuse is a fright!                  
Now you listen, you pelf,                                   
You can't do it yourself,                                   
Then cohabit with me the same night."                       
                                                            
39389 MASTURBATION - SAD             Grand Prix Lim  801      



There was a young man named Malone                          
Who liked to have sex on the phone.                         
He dialed nine hundred numbers,                             
And wonder of wonders,                                      
When he came, he was always alone.                          
                                                            
39390 MASTURBATION - SAD             Bob Moers          TP9804



Religiously, Simon the Stylite                              
Sits motionless up until twilight;                          
But after night falls,                                      
He can play with his balls;                                 
For him the day's only real highlight.                      
                                                            
39391 MASTURBATION - SAD             Norm Storer              



A young man with no occupation,                             
Pumped gas in the town's service station.                   
But they've gone to self-serve                              
And with no cash reserve,                                   
He has found all that's free...masturbation.                
                                                            
39392 MASTURBATION - SAD             Bob Birch           P9902



He liked to jerk his own bone,                              
In his old beat down trailer-tract home.                    
As he got a lot older,                                      
His right arm grew bolder,                                  
And he still has his orgies alone.                          
                                                            
39393 MASTURBATION - SAD             Jim Weaver Collection    



I told her that I masturbated.                              
She told me I'd get constipated.                            
I didn't heed her                                           
And played with my peter.                                   
Never again have I defecated.                               
                                                            
39394 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



Just the thought of the warm place that she                 
Keeps between her legs, waiting for me,                     
Makes me shiver in desire,                                  
Fills my glands with fire;                                  
Just that HER, I will never see.                            
                                                            
39395 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



Because the woman that I'm talking of,                      
Is just a dream of wet love,                                
I think she's not real,                                     
And for this I feel                                         
That wanking should just be enough.                         
                                                            
39396 MASTURBATION - SAD             Matt Cable               



Sad thing is, the "manual" way                              
Does not make you happy all day,                            
For a woman's scent gland                                   
And lily-white hand                                         
Do much more than all words can say.                        
                                                            
39397 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



So what am I about to do?                                   
Find me a girlfriend to screw?                              
That's too hard for me,                                     
For these woman I see                                       
Are just silly and without a clue.                          
                                                            
39398 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



So: If I could stand out all their talk,                    
(Sooner lame men will rise and walk,)                       
Then it would be my turn                                    
To make some pussys burn,                                   
And jump their beds like a great hawk.                      
                                                            
39399 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



But that day, I guess will never come,                      
So with my hand, I must get along.                          
To keep me from pain                                        
'Caused by minds that plain,                                
So tell me, what do I do wrong?                             
                                                            
39400 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



A boy swallowed a bullet.  Agog?                            
But he'd not pass the bullet in fog.                        
Privately one day                                           
(He didn't like to say)                                     
But while masturbating, he shot the dog!                    
                                                            
39401 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



I awoke with a stiffy quite grand,                          
But supply wasn't meeting demand.                           
She proclaimed, "That's not right.                          
You just had some last night!                               
It's a small load, go do it by hand."                       
                                                            
39402 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



He showed himself great kindness,                           
Though he ran the risk of blindness.                        
"Be wary, you sod,                                          
Of the loving god                                           
And congestion not in your sinus."                          
                                                            
39403 MASTURBATION - SAD             Jim Jambor          P9009



An anonymous poet online                                    
Tied his dick to his hand with some twine.                  
When he typed a long word,                                  
It tugged on his gourd                                      
And shortened the length of his spine.                      
                                                            
39404 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



I used to jerk off with great slight,                       
But I had a bad crash Walpurgis Night.                      
My wrist it is sprained;                                    
No more I'll be drained.                                    
Oh, I bemoan my sad plight.                                 
                                                            
39405 MASTURBATION - SAD             Anon                     



My sister's in lust, do you taunt                           
Those succubi who will haunt                                
Your dreams night and day,                                  
In every witch way,                                         
If you do what you shouldn't a ought...                     
                                                            
39406 MASTURBATION - SAD             Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man named Sands,                          
Whose wife refused his demands,                             
For sex normal or perverted,                                
So now he's reverted                                        
To taking matters into his own hands.                       
                                                            
39407 MASTURBATION - SAD             Phred                    



To the doc said a worried man, Ray,                         
"My erection has failed in mid-play."                       
Said the doc, "Since your gland                             
Won't respond on command,                                   
I suggest that you beat it each day."                       
                                                            
39408 MASTURBATION - SAD             Al Chaplin          P9608



The once was a guy named Nate                               
Who used Tickle-Me Elmo as bait.                            
He was such a wacko,                                        
Then he became Jacko                                        
And went home to masturbate.                                
                                                            
39409 MASTURBATION - SAD             Jim Weaver Collection    



An aging old pansy from Guelf                               
Was finally laid on the shelf,                              
Where he thought back in time                               
To his lecherous prime                                      
And nostalgically played with himself.                      
                                                            
39410 MASTURBATION - SAD             Hugh Oliver           65b



If a man takes what's made for to stand                     
Upright proud, far too often in hand,                       
For a manipulation                                          
Aimed for ejaculation,                                      
Things wear out like an old rubber band.                    
                                                            
39411 MASTURBATION - SAD             Ulla                     



A twang on the old rubber band,                             
In the absence of mammary gland,                            
And the sweet tasting pearl                                 
Of a regular girl,                                          
Is a fine thing to do with one's hand.                      
                                                            
39412 MASTURBATION - SAD             Peter Wilkins            



It's exercise, see, for the fingers,                        
For girls who need petting that lingers;                    
And though I'm not hung                                     
Like a donkey, my tongue                                    
Is perfection for sweet cunnilingus.                        
                                                            
39413 MASTURBATION - SAD             Peter Wilkins            



'Tis in cream that you must have dreamt,                    
And mornings that you have spent                            
Alone in your bed,                                          
Wishing for head,                                           
But drowning in wetness you've spent.                       
                                                            
39414 MASTURBATION - SAD                                      



There was a young man of Montrose,                          
Who could diddle himself with his toes.                     
He could do it so neat,                                     
He fell in love with his feet,                              
And christened them Myrtle and Rose.                        
                                                            
39415 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1309



Oh, that supple young man of Montrose,                      
Who tickled his tail with his toes!                         
His landlady said,                                          
As she made up his bed,                                     
"My God!  How that man blows his nose!"                     
                                                            
39416 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1310



An anchorite with ways ASCETIC                              
Prayed in a manner athletic;                                
With hands 'neath his robe,                                 
He'd constantly probe                                       
For new found joys masturbetic.                             
                                                            
39417 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Chris Papa               



Some people feel misunderstood,                             
And think a dog's life must be good.                        
We'd enjoy the sensation                                    
Of auto-fellation--                                         
I'm sure we all would if we could!                          
                                                            
39418 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       CeeJay                   



As she sat on her porcelain bidet,                          
She learned to adjust the warm spray.                       
Sensations so pleasant,                                     
It seemed effervescent,                                     
So she threw her vibrator away.                             
                                                            
39419 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



There was a young fellow named Chisholm,                    
Afflicted with skin erotism.                                
In bathing, he'd rub                                        
His prick on the tub,                                       
'Till the water was soapy with jism.                        
                                                            
39420 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1253



There was a young man from Nantucket,                       
Who cock was so long he could suck it.                      
He looked in the glass,                                     
And saw his own ass,                                        
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.                       
                                                            
39421 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L0494



I once knew a Yuppy named Mark                              
Who got busy when it got dark.                              
He rub on his dick                                          
Like a boyscout with sticks.                                
He once even caused a spark!                                
                                                            
39422 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man, quite well known to be deft,                   
Said, "My dear, do not feel so bereft.                      
Though I've sprained my right hand,                         
I'm not really unmanned.                                    
I can diddle quite well with my left."                      
                                                            
39423 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Isaac Asimov             



A passionate maiden from China,                             
Would gently caress her vagina.                             
She fondly would linger                                     
With each little finger,                                    
As though nothing in China was finer.                       
                                                            
39424 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



A passionate fellow named Garrity                           
Would proud of his ambidexterity:                           
He'd use both his hands                                     
For flogging his glans,                                     
Or either, with equal temerity.                             
                                                            
39425 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Armand E Singer       621



Now you should know this site's creator                     
Is a world-class gold medal masturbater.                    
He once won the Gold                                        
For his famous choke-hold,                                  
And hopes there is more to come later.                      
                                                            
39426 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Phil T                   



In high school for nymphos we'd pray;                       
We'd fantasize every which way;                             
Above and below;                                            
From ear lob to toe;                                        
Enhancing each slow masturba------.                         
                                                            
39427 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Irving Superior     P9603



A dirty old Scot named MacNether                            
Abused himself out in the heather.                          
He'd fondle his scrotum                                     
And diddle his totem,                                       
While tickling himself with a feather.                      
                                                            
39428 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Armand E Singer        60



Amateurs don't understand!                                  
It's not best to just use your hand.                        
With a good lubricator,                                     
A ten-inch vibrator,                                        
Can make you feel OH so grand!                              
                                                            
39429 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Big D                    



While exploring an ancient pagoda,                          
I happened upon a stone coda.                               
If you masturbate,                                          
(Or so it translates)                                       
Remember to devise your own moda.                           
                                                            
39430 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Arden                    



Miss Palmer and four Fister sisters                         
Have brought relief to many poor misters.                   
But they've found in the past                               
If they rubbed it too fast,                                 
That sometimes, it left them with blisters!                 
                                                            
39431 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Kaylin                   



When sore, apply some Bag Balm                              
To the blisters on pecker and palm.                         
They heal up real quick;                                    
And back on the prick,                                      
When they see a cow, they're not calm.                      
                                                            
39432 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Faerie                   



A clever young sinner named Bundy                           
Invented the untimate fun day:                              
You tickle your tummy                                       
While flogging your dummy                                   
And downing a Dairy Queen sundae.                           
                                                            
39433 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Armand Singer       P9811



It's good that you know how to wank;                        
Grab ahold of that puppy and yank.                          
The next time you're in bed,                                
Pull it over your head,                                     
And give both your butt cheeks a spank.                     
                                                            
39434 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



My hand, I'll think you'll agree,                           
Are better than women to me.                                
I'll dress up my cock                                       
In a pretty red frock,                                      
And my hands take advantage of me.                          
                                                            
39435 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Rodney Williams          



A real working-man, when alone,                             
Continues to work, as he's prone                            
To do.  With no qualms,                                     
He blisters his palms,                                      
By working his hands to the bone.                           
                                                            
39436 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Travis Brasell           



"Work smarter, not harder," I say                           
(Though hard is my big beef fillet).                        
A blonde does my jerking                                    
And work I'll be shirking,                                  
While tasting her hot cheese souffle.                       
                                                            
39437 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Randog                   



A lad with a marvelous bend,                                
Has no need of lover or friend.                             
What he does to himself                                     
Would fill up a shelf,                                      
But alas, he has come to his end.                           
                                                            
39438 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Jim Weaver Collection    



It's said masturbation makes you blind;                     
Listen here 'cause I have a new kind                        
Of way to get off,                                          
Than the regular boff.                                      
It's an incredible way to unwind.                           
                                                            
39439 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Coolbreeze               



Wrap it just once 'round your wrist,                        
Then give it a most painful twist.                          
When it starts to get hard,                                 
You'll sing like a bard,                                    
As you come in a quite heavy mist!                          
                                                            
39440 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Coolbreeze               



While you are enjoying your peter,                          
You beat the hell out of your meter;                        
Now go tell that hand                                       
To pump something grand,                                    
Like verses that scan so much sweeter.                      
                                                            
39441 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Travis Brasell           



Normal wanking, called "beating the meat",                  
Takes a two-four, iambic type beat;                         
But a limmer sans spouse,                                   
Hums a waltz tune by Strauss,                               
With some strokes that some folks find effete!              
                                                            
39442 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Allen Wolverton          



For your wanking to have its best range,                    
The left, for your right hand, exchange.                    
For when used at this angle                                 
To strangle the dangle,                                     
It's like having a nice touch of strange.                   
                                                            
39443 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Hugh Clary               



But for wanking that really does smoke,                     
With a rhythm designed not to choke,                        
Use a left-handed guide                                     
So the right hand will slide                                
Down the up-thrust without losing stroke.                   
                                                            
39444 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Travis Brasell           



Since sex books are no longer banned,                       
You can read about tricks that are grand;                   
But you can't do them right,                                
Thought you practice all night,                             
If you are holding the text in one hand.                    
                                                            
39445 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Norm Storer              



For my organ of sex I concede it                            
Is my pleasure to know whence to lead it.                   
If it sits like a stub,                                     
I give it a rub.                                            
Let it never be said, "I don't knead it".                   
                                                            
39446 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Dick Buenger        P8309



There was an old man of Hong Kong,                          
Who never did anything wrong.                               
He would lie on his back,                                   
With his head in a sack,                                    
And secretly finger his dong.                               
                                                            
39447 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



There was a young person of Goring,                         
Who made a small hole in the flooring.                      
He lined it all round,                                      
Then laid on the ground,                                    
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.                   
(Published 1879)                                            
39448 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1272



Der berreichsmarchall, Herr Goering,                        
Macht ein kkleinische hole in der fliring.                  
Er lined es alle rund                                       
Und gespoken der grund                                      
Und declaren "Ist cheaper zan horring."                     
                                                            
39449 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



I hope you all don't think I'm sick.                        
You know you've all played with your dick.                  
Once you chub it up nice,                                   
Made it even spit twice,                                    
Did you know it can even learn tricks?                      
                                                            
39450 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



What a shame about losing your sight,                       
From your solitary delight.                                 
I'm telling you true,                                       
It's more fun with two --                                   
And I don't mean your left and your right!                  
                                                            
39451 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Kaylin Brandon           



He'd grab it and hold the thing tight,                      
To force it to become upright.                              
Then he'd rub it real slow                                  
To make the thing grow;                                     
He did this each morning and night.                         
                                                            
39452 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Kaylin Brandon           



A psychoneurotic fanatic,                                   
Said, "I take little girls to the attic,                    
Then whistle a tune,                                        
'Bout the cow and the moon--                                
When the cow jumps, I come.  It's dramatic!"                
                                                            
39453 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1419



There was a young girl of Cohoes,                           
Who jerked herself off with her nose.                       
She said, "Yes, I done it                                   
But just for the fun it                                     
Afforded the folk of Cohoes."                               
                                                            
39454 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1255



Still there's nothing quite like masturbation,              
For a quick trip from life's lowly station.                 
You can have Courtney Cox,                                  
Or any young fox,                                           
Just watch out for the callous abrasion!                    
                                                            
39455 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



While wanking with too much conviction,                     
Beware of this nasty affliction:                            
A woman too loose                                           
Will be of no use,                                          
Because you've been so used to friction.                    
                                                            
39456 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



Last night while in bed I did groan;                        
I grunted and squirmed, even moan.                          
The excitement, you see,                                    
Just got too much for me.                                   
It's too bad I was also alone.                              
                                                            
39457 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



A silly young lad from Frisco                               
"Spanked his monkey" with handfulls of Crisco.              
He cried with alarm,                                        
"I was large as my arm!                                     
Now where in hell did my dick go?"                          
                                                            
39458 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Use the previous limerick as warning,                       
When using "Rosie Palm" when you're horny.                  
Heed the story I wrote                                      
As a signaling note,                                        
And don't "flog your dolphin" with shortening!              
                                                            
39459 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't play with yourself now, young man;                    
Such crudeness we nurses can't stand.                       
If you have to be rude,                                     
Pull the curtains 'round, dude,                             
And use what I've got, not your hand.                       
                                                            
39460 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Tiddy Ogg                



When young Billy Bloggs was alone,                          
He'd sexually abuse his phone.                              
He'd take the handpiece                                     
And cover it in grease                                      
Then get hard to the sound of the tone.                     
                                                            
39461 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Judd                     



A massage-parlor mogul named Drew,                          
Insists that it's probably true,                            
That he established the specs                               
For masseuse-furnished sex                                  
With the slogan, "We're pulling for you!"                   
                                                            
39462 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



An ancient mathematical theory,                             
Of which I have always been leery,                          
Says, "To compute,                                          
Just grab your square root                                  
And pump until you are weary."                              
                                                            
39463 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Neal Wilgus         P8506



There was an Old Person of Philly,                          
Whose conduct was scroobious and silly;                     
He used his right palm                                      
When the weather was calm,                                  
And his left when the weather was chilly.                   
                                                            
39464 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Edwardian Leer 046       



A perverted baker named Frank,                              
Created a new way to spank                                  
His monkey, and so                                          
He mixed up some dough,                                     
And rolled it around on his wank.                           
                                                            
39465 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Hmmm, now let me just see;                                  
Of orifices, I do have three.                               
If you'd be so bold                                         
And one of them hold,                                       
You could help to satisfy me                                
                                                            
39466 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A geneticist living in Delft,                               
Scientifically played with himself.                         
And when he was done,                                       
He labeled it: Son,                                         
And filed it away on a shelf.                               
                                                            
39467 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1262



2 - 4 - 6 - 8                                               
Everybody masturbate!                                       
Breathe deep and moan,                                      
Scream load and groan,                                      
Until you ejaculate.                                        
                                                            
39468 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Sick Cheerleader         



There once was a girl from Des Moines,                      
Who got herself off with some coins.                        
"I'll go deranged,                                          
When I run out of change,"                                  
She said as she emptied her loins.                          
                                                            
39469 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



I went to the track and told Walter                         
To watch for the girl who could alter                       
A man's disposition                                         
With strong wrist position,                                 
That she got from her years as pole vaulter.                
                                                            
39470 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



On a fishing boat near the equator,                         
Dates with girls had to wait till much later.               
So the crew would get high                                  
And together they'd vie                                     
For the title of "Ships Master Baiter".                     
                                                            
39471 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Grosman            TP9804



A SAPONACEOUS guy, sly,                                     
Would passes at girls always try.                           
He ususally missed,                                         
Which left him quite pissed.                                
So he soaped his own palm to get by.                        
                                                            
39472 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Chris Papa               



There was a young fellow in Weed                            
Addicted to spilling his seed.                              
No chick in the town                                        
Would with him bed down.                                    
"Hell no, my hand it would bleed!"                          
                                                            
39473 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



I thank you for letting me vent;                            
My penis is just about spent.                               
My teeth were grating,                                      
Whilst I, masturbating,                                     
Stroked it so hard that it bent.                            
                                                            
39474 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



My hands are the love of my life;                           
At this rate, I won't need a wife.                          
You too can discover                                        
Yours are a good lover.                                     
If the left hurts, just switch to the rife.                 
                                                            
39475 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Rodney Williams          



The Work Manager gets his delight                           
From a game he plays everry night:                          
With his penis in hand,                                     
He feels really grand,                                      
Switching from left hand to right.                          
                                                            
39476 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           G2114



Each night Peter creeps in and hovers                       
To watch her with fictitious lovers.                        
"She's a precious minx."                                    
Says Peter, "Methinks                                       
I'll just take a look 'neath the covers."                   
                                                            
39477 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



To peek is admitting you're slutless,                       
So, therefore, you polish your cutlass;                     
Now, Archie, stay calm...                                   
One slip of your palm                                       
Could render you eunuchly nutless!                          
                                                            
39478 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



A lady who worked in Cebu                                   
Slowly drew this from my flue:                              
A long silken cord                                          
With pearls. Oh my Lord!                                    
I exclaimed as my oyster sauce blew.                        
                                                            
39479 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       H WHELCHEL               



There once was a man who's named Meeker,                    
Who sought his jollies from a speaker.                      
He put on the bass                                          
Just under his ass,                                         
And his peter was tweaked by the tweaker!                   
                                                            
39480 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Puff Adder               



A strapping young teenager, Dan --                          
His first love affair, his right han'.                      
Then growing more deft,                                     
He transferred to his left                                  
And now is a two fisted man.                                
                                                            
39481 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Irving Superior     P8502



He thought that web porno was grand;                        
With smut from all over the land.                           
Now he's stuck in his home                                  
(Carpal tunnel syndrome)                                    
From typing with only one hand!                             
                                                            
39482 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Anon                     



There was a young man who's named Rick,                     
Who, craving a thrill, stuck his dick                       
In a video recorder                                         
And pressed on "Fast Forward."                              
He'd never been brought off so quick!                       
                                                            
39483 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Serpens                  



A thrifty old man named McEwen,                             
Enquired, "Why bother with screwing?                        
It's safer and cleaner      (I finger my muffin)            
To finger your wiener,      (It's safer than stuffin',)     
And besides you can see what you're doing."                 
                                                            
39484 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           L1295



A butch body-builder from Brum                              
Was wholly unable to come,                                  
Till he tried masturbation                                  
In rapt contemplation                                       
Of pics of his muscular bum.                                
                                                            
39485 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Mike Thurlow        P9105



A speedy young jeweler named Oak,                           
Fixed clocks that were damaged or broke.                    
He opened the face,                                         
And in a short space,                                       
He changed hands without missing a stroke.                  
                                                            
39486 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                           G2177



I'd much prefer your help with this;                        
While your fingers dance we could kiss.                     
Your fingers excite me;                                     
And if you'll rub nightly,                                  
I'll no longer strain my weak wrist!                        
                                                            
39487 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



My efforts at love wer ham-fisted;                          
The women soon had me black-listed.                         
But being left on the shelf                                 
To make love to myself,                                     
Has made me somewhat weak-wristed.                          
                                                            
39488 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Frank Fazed              



If luck with the ladies is poor,                            
And all of them find you a boor,                            
Use fingers instead;                                        
As beer ads once said,                                      
It's just what your right arm is for.                       
                                                            
39489 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Tiddy Ogg                



If you're one who oft chokes his chicken,                   
And you find your digits are stickin',                      
Hook a wet/dry vac                                          
Up to your nut sack.                                        
No mess, which means less finger lickin'.                   
                                                            
39490 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Pthyrus                  



When lonely, men should sing a psalm;                       
Its melody is sure to calm;                                 
It's also real wise                                         
For all lonely guys                                         
To thrust the old spear to the palm.                        
                                                            
39491 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE                                



A final thought as I stare at the sky;                      
Pondering as life passes my by,                             
What is to me                                               
The great mystery:                                          
If dogs lick their balls, why can't I!                      
                                                            
39492 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Sandman                  



An unususal man of Kukti                                    
Could wank himself off with one eye.                        
For a while, though, he pined                               
When his eyeball declined                                   
To function because of a stye.                              
                                                            
39493 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Stephen Cordwell    L1285



Whenever the urge starts to perk,                           
A time with Ms Palmer might work,                           
To calm down your memeber.                                  
But please to remember,                                     
Ms Palmer must work with a jerk!                            
                                                            
39494 MASTURBATION - TECHNIQUE       Travis Brasell           



Nothing succeeds like success,                              
As these formulas show with finesse.                        
Thus again and again,                                       
A gets bigger with n,                                       
Though not quite as big as you'd guess.                     
                                                            
39495 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Ed Howard (whose lip is hirsute)                            
Thinks often of groups that commute.                        
Now they're valuated,                                       
And most highly rated.                                      
Of this there can be no dispute.                            
(Valuated Abelian Groups)                                   
39496 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



There once was a function of x                              
With deplorable notions of sex.                             
In a half-Baire condition                                   
It attempted coition                                        
With a function weakly complex.                             
                                                            
39497 MATH - ADVANCED                Leo Moser                



We are given a basis in E                                   
And a new basis we want to be,                              
The inverse transpose                                       
Is what we propose,                                         
Is a basis of it's dual space, we see!                      
                                                            
39498 MATH - ADVANCED                                         



Edward Cech, by Almighty God's grace,                       
Was the first man on Earth for to trace                     
The sordid and dreary                                       
Cohomology theory                                           
Of a subnormal bicompact space.                             
                                                            
39499 MATH - ADVANCED                Leo Mosher               



The talk by an old guy named Doering                        
Was totally, numblingly boring.                             
So I just copied James                                      
And ogled the dames,                                        
Whilst dreaming of drinking and whoring.                    
                                                            
39500 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Peskin I think was the first                                
To study a boundary immersed.                               
But his talk on osmosis                                     
Caused a fatal thrombosis,                                  
When poor Micah Dembo's brain burst.                        
                                                            
39501 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



How smart the conditions of C-R;                            
They're almost as brilliant as we are.                      
But they're known for their slyness.                        
Watch out for the minus                                     
Or we'll spend half the night in the E.R.                   
(Cauchy - Rhiemann)                                         
39502 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Here they come, hot off the griddle,                        
Spiffy and spicy and little.                                
One sports a plus,                                          
The other mi-nus.                                           
And none of them sports in the middle.                      
(Cauchy - Rhiemann)                                         
39503 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



The last of those spunky Mohicans                           
Was at work on a long Cauchy sequence.                      
It was i pi y                                               
From Monday to Fri,                                         
And he took it back home on the weekends.                   
                                                            
39504 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Per-Olaf courts with disaster                               
When expansions attempting to master.                       
He dawdles for hours                                        
Expanding in powers,                                        
When Chebychev does it much faster.                         
                                                            
39505 MATH - ADVANCED                C. Allen Bush            



A reality complex had Fred.                                 
He felt kind of bad in the head.                            
So he took Complex Far                                      
With Cohen Lamar;                                           
Got a complex complex instead.                              
                                                            
39506 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Since Day told us to be economical,                         
Dave's matrices now are all conical.                        
But to show them this way                                   
In triangle array,                                          
Is hardly a form that's canonical.                          
                                                            
39507 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



This is one method, essential,                              
For equations we solve, differential.                       
It gets the job done,                                       
And it's even quite fun;                                    
We just try a routine exponential.                          
                                                            
39508 MATH - ADVANCED                David Morin              



For equations with one main condition,                      
If linear, we give you permission                           
To take your solutions                                      
With firm resolutions                                       
And add them in superposition.                              
                                                            
39509 MATH - ADVANCED                David Morin              



An Abelian groupie named Claire                             
Loved to commute everywhere.                                
She thought Galois ideal,                                   
And that Zorn had appeal,                                   
But the best was to do it with Baire.                       
                                                            
39510 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



There once was a fellow from Syracuse                       
Whose taste in math problems was sure abstruse.             
But he did seem to love                                     
The topic above.                                            
I can only guess one of this gears was loose.               
(Stoke phenomena with resurgent functions)                  
39511 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



Here's the key to z to the c:                               
It's just e to the c ln z.                                  
But watch for ln y,                                         
It's values are many,                                       
Though sometimes e makes them agree.                        
                                                            
39512 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



e to the z is exotic,                                       
And it changes a sum to a product.                          
It has no root,                                             
But it's kind of cute,                                      
And it's vertically periodic.                               
                                                            
39513 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Computing is easy as pie,                                   
Especially if you can try.                                  
There's a derivation                                        
And an exclamation                                          
And don't forget the two pi i.                              
                                                            
39514 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



A combinaturist named Curt                                  
Tried to embed till it hurt,                                
A whole triple system,                                      
But then when he missed 'em,                                
He settled for part and it worked.                          
(Curt Lindner)                                              
39515 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



The bottom is perfectly noble,                              
But x is now upwardly mobile,                               
So that constant, poor dear,                                
Must downsize his career                                    
And it's feeling a bit claustrophobal.                      
                                                            
39516 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



One winter a fearless young Druid                           
Dived into a rotating fluid.                                
But he was not ready                                        
For such a big eddy.                                        
The poor fellow's head came unscrewed.                      
                                                            
39517 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



A mathematician named Lutz                                  
Can handle equations that futs.                             
When answers act badly                                      
He tackles them gladly,                                     
And threatens to kick all their butts.                      
(Don Lutz)                                                  
39518 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



"With math you've explained as desired,                     
Laplace, stars we all have admired,"                        
Said Napoleon, "It's odd                                    
That you've not mentioned God."                             
"That hypothesis wasn't required."                          
                                                            
39519 MATH - ADVANCED                A. N. Wilkins       P8506



The professor who chased eager Miss Kerr,                   
Was arrested because he would whisk her                     
To his study each day,                                      
Where he babbled away                                       
About Bach, Carroll, Goedel, and Escher.                    
                                                            
39520 MATH - ADVANCED                David Finley             



A mathematician named Horn                                  
Is the best-equipped man ever born.                         
He keeps in his jock                                        
A maximal cock,                                             
Obtained by a lemma of Zorn.                                
                                                            
39521 MATH - ADVANCED                Michael Weinstein   P8506



Some students spend life in a lab,                          
And others think libraries fab.                             
But Eric draws groups                                       
With branches and loops,                                    
And says "It beats driving a cab."                          
(Erick Lehtonen)                                            
39522 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



I after e after u                                           
After pi after n after 2                                    
After parenthesis ln                                        
And then no more spellin'                                   
Unless we find something new.                               
                                                            
39523 MATH - ADVANCED                Bob Blackerd             



The very next time that we meet,                            
Prof Bray will be up on his feet,                           
And he will explain                                         
The sorrow and pain                                         
Caused by logic he thinks incomplete.                       
                                                            
39524 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



This Wednesday our visitor Jens                             
Will show us the outs and the ins                           
Of a simple closed curve.                                   
In fact, he'd the nerve                                     
To attempt a new proof that makes sens.                     
(Jordan Curve Theorem)                                      
39525 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



If your tensors are needing correction                      
And your vector fields some re-direction,                   
Then listen to me,                                          
And go suffix-free,                                         
And make use of a Koszul connection.                        
                                                            
39526 MATH - ADVANCED                Jonathan Munn            



The perfidious lemma of Dehn,                               
Drove many a man insane,                                    
But Christos Pop-                                           
akiriakop-                                                  
olous solved it without any pain.                           
                                                            
39527 MATH - ADVANCED                John Milnor              



Just pair off each row with each column.                    
Take the sum of those producrts so solemn.                  
Then beat the odds                                          
With those scalar prods                                     
Or whatever the devil you call 'em.                         
                                                            
39528 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



These mappings aren't hard to divine;                       
They squash a whole space to a line.                        
But the process is dirty                                    
And awfully hurty.                                          
It makes Pierce give a Grone and a whine.                   
                                                            
39529 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



This lecture concerns Maxwell's demon                       
Whose actions are innocent seemin'.                         
But he holds no awe                                         
For the great Second Law,                                   
So his engine just keeps right on steamin'.                 
(Ray Menegus)                                               
39530 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



He's the dean of the high mathematics,                      
Who has enough nerve to attack its                          
Most difficult tasks.                                       
If anyone asks,                                             
He's doing his mind's acrobatics.                           
                                                            
39531 MATH - ADVANCED                Laurence Perrine    P8506



A sequence A_n tends to P,                                  
If for each positive real valued e                          
There's a natural N                                         
Such that from bigger then                                  
Mod A_m minus P's less than e.                              
                                                            
39532 MATH - ADVANCED                Jonathan Munn            



It was a dark Sturmy night                                  
And in Liouville Kentucky, the sight                        
Of strange oscillation                                      
For difference equations                                    
Gave dogs and young children a fright.                      
(Sturm-Liouville difference equations)                      
39533 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



There was a young man from PB,                              
Whose matrices oozed symmetry,                              
So that when they're reflected                              
In ways unexpected,                                         
They still look the same, don't you see.                    
(Steve Pierce)                                              
39534 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



There's talk on the method of lines                         
And errors causing engineeers whines.                       
But we'll see here a fix                                    
Using mathematical tricks,                                  
Which Runge and Kutta'd think fine.                         
                                                            
39535 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



Oh give me a home where the matrices roam,                  
And the scalars and vectors all play,                       
Where never is heard                                        
An orthoganal word,                                         
And determinants never go 'way.                             
                                                            
39536 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



Herman Schwarz was a man of the C,                          
Whose results we all use constantly.                        
We reflect on their beauty;                                 
The inequality's a cutie,                                   
And his Lemma's the best that you'll see.                   
(David Lesley)                                              
39537 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



Now that Bernie's retired with his pets,                    
He's entranced with the theory of sets --                   
How a countable few                                         
Can be uncountable, too.                                    
That's as crazy as math ever gets.                          
(Bernie Marcus)                                             
39538 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



Oh, what will the fair maid named Tessa do?                 
She's been after a simple-pole residue.                     
She says, "Now I see.                                       
It's Q-prime under p.                                       
Then I plug in z-nought or I guess I do."                   
                                                            
39539 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Oh what will the fair maid named Tessa do?                  
She's been after a single-pole residue.                     
She says, "Now I see                                        
It's q-prime under p.                                       
Then I plug in z-nought -- or I guess I do.                 
                                                            
39540 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Any smooth vector field on a sphere                         
Will at some certain point disappear.                       
That's why, when you comb                                   
Out the hair on your dome,                                  
You must leave a patch of it clear.                         
(Poincaire-Hopf theorem)                                    
39541 MATH - ADVANCED                Lassie's Lover     TP9901



Here's some work that was done for the Navy,                
Whose ships sail on water that's wavy.                      
Things must be found                                        
Using nothing but sound,                                    
So that Steve here can bring home some gravy.               
                                                            
39542 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



Sophus Lie was quite a guy,                                 
Whose math reputation stands high.                          
And all he has told us                                      
Is not hocus pocus,                                         
For Sophus, we know, would not lie.                         
                                                            
39543 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



There once was a function named g,                          
Whose tangents were not meant to be.                        
There were wiggles and jumps                                
And too many humps;                                         
So to fix it, we sent g to Hui.                             
                                                            
39544 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Group           



An industrious lad from the near East,                      
Was summing a long Taylor series.                           
By the twentieth head                                       
He just shrugged and said,                                  
That's as far as I go, my dearies.                          
                                                            
39545 MATH - ADVANCED                Anon                     



Strange scholars and eccentric erratics                     
Do perverted acts in mathematics.                           
Convex or concave                                           
And designed to enslave --                                  
No wonder they're such damn fanatics!                       
                                                            
39546 MATH - ADVANCED                Neal Wilgus         P8506



There was a young man from New York                         
Who on Yang Mills equations did work.                       
He got this fascination                                     
When, back in gestation,                                    
His mother was scared by a quark.                           
                                                            
39547 MATH - ADVANCED                Literary Gropup          



There was a young lady named Suzie,                         
Who couldn't add 2z and 2z.                                 
She said, "Can't it be                                      
Without that old z?"                                        
She's being a little too choosy.                            
                                                            
39548 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon                     



There once was a Theorem Binomial                           
Who received a great testimonial                            
At the fancy equation.                                      
He was quite a sensation                                    
Despite being a little hexagonial.                          
                                                            
39549 MATH - ALGEBRA                                          



I wonder but I don't know why                               
Rabbits but can multiply.                                   
They have the potential                                     
To be exponential,                                          
But we won't say a thing about pi.                          
                                                            
39550 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Aleck Cape Town     T9712



a(x)**2 + b*x = c,                                          
Is called a quadratic whoopee.                              
An expression abstruse                                      
That's of no earthly use;                                   
The result's always zero, you see.                          
                                                            
39551 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Ed Potts            P8506



Call me weird, but those numbers complex                    
Call to mind healthy marital sex;                           
They form conjugal pairs                                    
With real parts shared --                                   
And the rest on each partner reflects.                      
                                                            
39552 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Dr Limerick              



Now j, square root of minus 1,                              
To work out its worth, can't be done.                       
So does it exist?                                           
That's shrouded in mist,                                    
But it gives mathematicians much fun.                       
                                                            
39553 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Tiddy Ogg                



The square root of minus 1, j,                              
Imaginary, math gurus say,                                  
So does it exist?                                           
That's shrouded in mist,                                    
But allows number crunchers to play.                        
                                                            
39554 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Tiddy Ogg                



And engineers make with it free,                            
For reactive impedance: i.e.                                
Impedance, they'll tell,                                    
You, is omega L.,                                           
Or one over omega C.                                        
                                                            
39555 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Tiddy Ogg                



And if this thing j isn't real,                             
Which scientists say is the deal,                           
Take capacitor, large,                                      
And fill it with charge,                                    
Then grab it and see what you feel.                         
                                                            
39556 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Tiddy Ogg                



And when off the ceiling you're scraped,                    
With just a few burns you've excaped,                       
Was that there sensation                                    
Just pure 'magination?                                      
Reflect that you've not got it taped.                       
                                                            
39557 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Tiddy Ogg                



What Yanks call i solves many queries:                      
Polynomials, Fourier series.                                
It obeys all the rules                                      
Of mathematical tools,                                      
And helps physicists write down their theories.             
                                                            
39558 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Dr Limerick              



Further, when you get right down to it,                     
It's almost as hard to intuit                               
"Zero" or "Pi"                                              
Or the square root of five;                                 
Sight and smell just won't help you do it.                  
                                                            
39559 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Dr Limerick              



To get some momentum and traction,                          
When confronting a bizarre abstraction,                     
Pretend it exists,                                          
And see if it assists                                       
Understanding a physical action.                            
                                                            
39560 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Dr Limerick              



Imaginary numbers like i                                    
Are for me, much less pie in the sky,                       
That the fortune I seek                                     
At the end of each week,                                    
When a lottery ticket I buy.                                
                                                            
39561 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Peter Wilkins            



There once was a fellow of Trinity,                         
Who raised xyz to infinity;                                 
And then the old brute                                      
Extracted the root.                                         
He afterwards took to divinity.                             
                                                            
39562 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon           E O Parrot



To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.               
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.                      
He constructed a bed                                        
Out of tree trunks and said,                                
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."                  
                                                            
39563 MATH - ALGEBRA                                          



Do logs give you logarrhea?                                 
Is a logjam drawing nearer?                                 
Just use your credentials                                   
And take exponentials                                       
To make those old logs disappear.                           
                                                            
39564 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon                     



"I'm convinced," said a father named Bath,                  
"That hell hath no fury or wrath                            
Like a man who's begun                                      
Assisting his son                                           
In trying to work modern math."                             
                                                            
39565 MATH - ALGEBRA                 A. N. Wilkins       P8506



A mathematician named Jones                                 
Was fonder of cunts than of cones.                          
Said he on his rambles,                                     
"Ah whoors an' Ah gambles--                                 
Gonna roll them Napierian bones!"                           
(Napieran bones - early logarithmic method)                 
39566 MATH - ALGEBRA                                     G2378



There once was a log named Lynn,                            
Whose life was devoted to sin.                              
She came from a tree                                        
With base shaped like an 'e'.                               
She's the most natural log I've seen.                       
                                                            
39567 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Eve Andersson            



Minus one is a special case,                                
Delicious and dainty as lace.                               
So don't play the hero;                                     
Don't divide by zero;                                       
If you do, be sure to erase.                                
                                                            
39568 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon                     



'Tis a favorite project of mine,                            
A new value of pi to assign.                                
I would fix it at 3,                                        
For it's simpler, you see,                                  
Than 3.14159                                                
                                                            
39569 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Harvey L. Carter         



If inside a circle, a line                                  
Hits the center and goes spine to spine                     
And the line's length is 'd'                                
The circumference will be                                   
d times 3.14159                                             
                                                            
39570 MATH - ALGEBRA                                          



Are you bored with the powers of x?                         
Then what would you like to do next?                        
Some powers of g                                            
Will do quite nicely,                                       
But watch out for the special effects.                      
                                                            
39571 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon                     



A tutor came down from the attic,                           
With a formula, super quadratic.                            
He let out a sigh,                                          
And solved it for Y,                                        
With detail and style, quite dramatic.                      
                                                            
39572 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Versifier           P9601



A quadratic function ambitious                              
Said, "It's not only wrong but it's vicious;                
It's surely no sin                                          
To have both max and min--                                  
To limit me so, is malicious."                              
                                                            
39573 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Leo Moser                



To Algebra, God is inclined.                                
The world is a thought in his mind.                         
It seems so erratic                                         
Because it's quadratic,                                     
And the roots are not easy to find.                         
                                                            
39574 MATH - ALGEBRA                 J. C. B. Date            



If her clenching vaginal sensations                         
Cause loss of control on occasions,                         
Then slow yourself down,                                    
As you solve with a frown                                   
Simultaneous quadratic equations.                           
                                                            
39575 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Peter Wilkins            



The quadratic roots, you'll agree,                          
Are minus b plus the square root of b                       
Squared minus four                                          
ac and no more,                                             
All over two a, do you see?                                 
                                                            
39576 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Don Laycock         P8412



Said a wise-guy named Georgy-O-Porgie,                      
Let's have a Quotient Rule orgy.                            
On top, to be nice,                                         
G appears twice,                                            
And then on the bottom, one more g.                         
                                                            
39577 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon                     



N roots of unity on a wheel;                                
Among them, at most 2 are real.                             
The others must go,                                         
Half above, half below.                                     
But they get paired off in the deal.                        
                                                            
39578 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon                     



I attended a school in North Junction,                      
Where I learned how to insert expunction.                   
And in algebra class,                                       
The old prof beat my ass,                                   
For my failure to solve for dis function.                   
                                                            
39579 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Al Chaplin          P0101



A subject we did had a facility,                            
For testing equations' stability.                           
When things did not work,                                   
The class went berserk,                                     
And erupted in violent hostility.                           
                                                            
39580 MATH - ALGEBRA                                          



"We need f and g-prime;" said Mitch,                        
"And it matters so much which is which."                    
"But not to worry,"                                         
Said his cousin Jerry,                                      
"If it doesn't work out, we can switch!"                    
                                                            
39581 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Anon                     



My favorite number is e                                     
Two point seven one eight three.                            
It's the base of a log                                      
Not wetted by dog,                                          
But the sort of exponency.                                  
                                                            
39582 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Tim Main                 



There once was a number named 'e',                          
Who took way too much LSD.                                  
She thought she was great,                                  
But that fact we debate;                                    
We know she's no greater than three.                        
                                                            
39583 MATH - ALGEBRA                 Eve Andersson            



Factorialized five minus nine,                              
Divided by three and then 'sined',                          
When product'd with ten,                                    
And rounded, will then,                                     
Give twice the smallest odd prime.                          
                                                            
39584 MATH - ARITHMETIC                                       



A dozen, a gross, and a score,                              
Plus three times the squareroot of four,                    
Divided by seven,                                           
Plus five times eleven,                                     
Is nine squared plus zero, no more.                         
                                                            
39585 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Armand Singer       P9602



Minnesota adults can be savage,                             
In getting their kids extra leverage;                       
Whatever it takes                                           
To wipe out mistakes,                                       
So the children are all above average.                      
                                                            
39586 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Dr Limerick              



Says a medical doctor named Loundes,                        
"Take the relative mass of girl's mounds,                   
Add the weight of both boobs                                
To the cube of their tubes;                                 
This will give you the answer in pounds.                    
                                                            
39587 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Armand E Singer       720



There once was a young Pakistani                            
Who had a mathematical fanny.                               
Most especially prided                                      
Was the way it divided;                                     
A skill we all thought most uncanny                         
                                                            
39588 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Mr Malo                  



Don't know if the math is OK                                
But I found the "Calculator" today                          
On my PC; so I                                              
Thought to give it a try.                                   
The solution just blew me away.                             
                                                            
39589 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Sweet P                  



In my tribe I'm the smartest of men,                        
For I'm able to count up to ten.                            
Over ten, wisdom lingers                                    
For I've run out of fingers,                                
And have to start over again.                               
                                                            
39590 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Laurence Perrine    P8506



On the glamorous African shore,                             
An old chieftain's fifth wife wanted more.                  
They said, "It's no use                                     
To scream out abuse.                                        
A Hottentot can't count past four."                         
                                                            
39591 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Isaac Asimov        P9902



Multiplication is vexation,                                 
Division is just as bad.                                    
The rule of three                                           
Perplexeth me,                                              
And practice drives me mad.                                 
                                                            
39592 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Desmond MacHale          



There was an old man who said, "Do                          
Tell me how to add two and two.                             
It may not be more                                          
Than just three or four--                                   
But I fear that is rather too few."                         
                                                            
39593 MATH - ARITHMETIC                                       



Said my grandma, with smile pure and sweet,                 
"This computer age just has me beat.                        
As arithmetic goes,                                         
I use fingers and toes;                                     
I'm glad I have two hands and feet."                        
                                                            
39594 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Reminisce           P9310



I've noticed again and again,                               
So many folks can't count to ten.                           
Quite often, I see                                          
Them ahead of me                                            
In the grocery express lane I'm in.                         
                                                            
39595 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Observer                 



Don't let bad counting raise one hackle;                    
Just talk to old Marge, then you'll cackle.                 
She'll tell of the claims                                   
Men make to the dames                                       
On the size of their old wedding tackle.                    
                                                            
39596 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Tiddy Ogg                



Said a certain young lady named Gwen,                       
Of her tally of smitten young men,                          
"One less and three more                                    
Divided by four,                                            
Together give one more than ten"                            
                                                            
39597 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Jim Weaver Collection    



Extraction of cubes is child's play                         
When you've learned how to do it this way.                  
You don't need calculations                                 
With cubic equations --                                     
Just hot water all over the tray.                           
                                                            
39598 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Leo Mosher               



If there's one thing that gives me the fidgets,             
It's adding or taking the digits.                           
When I see a large number,                                  
My heart does a rhumba,                                     
And shrinks to the size of a midget's.                      
                                                            
39599 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Jonathan Munn            



Some people count sheep, using numbers                      
To hasten and length their slumbers,                        
But my nostrum entails                                      
Counting curvacious females,                                
For I prefer figures to numbers.                            
                                                            
39600 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Laurence Perrine    P8506



The stripper was quite an attraction,                       
Because of her skill at subtraction.                        
As she took off each piece,                                 
What was left would decrease,                               
Until what remained was a fraction.                         
                                                            
39601 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Warrick Elrod            



A schoolboy was given the nod                               
To count to a hundred, by God!                              
'Stead of "...9, 10, 11,"                                   
He went "...3, 5, and 7."                                   
Said his puzzled instructor, "That's odd!"                  
                                                            
39602 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Laurence Perrine    P8506



There was an old man who said, "Gee!                        
I can't multiply seven by three!                            
Though fourteen seem plenty.                                
It might come to twenty.                                    
I haven't the slightest idee!"                              
                                                            
39603 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Carolyn Wells            



A child of the new generation                               
Refused to learn multiplication.                            
He said, "Don't conclude                                    
That I'm stupid or rude;                                    
I am simply without motivation."                            
                                                            
39604 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Lowdown Higher Ed   P9307



Mathematics means only to me                                
That a one and a two equals three.                          
Just why they do so                                         
Is more than I know,                                        
But most people seem to agree.                              
                                                            
39605 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Laurence Perrine    P8506



There're only two sexes, it's true;                         
And his wife couldn't count beyond two.                     
But the y's and the x's                                     
Account for the sexes                                       
And the multiple powers of two.                             
                                                            
39606 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Laurence Perrine    P8506



A math teacher's son from Port Leaven                       
Could often count right up to seven.                        
He sometimes was fine                                       
With an eight or a nine,                                    
But never made ten or eleven.                               
                                                            
39607 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Joe Guerin               



A mathematician named Madder,                               
His snake scared his wife up a ladder.                      
Was asked by her, "Pray,                                    
Can you take it away?"                                      
He replied "No I can't; it's an adder."                     
                                                            
39608 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Prof M-G                 



A mathematician was Ewing --                                
His cock was in need of renewing,                           
But for years he got by                                     
With his formula sly,                                       
Which was using a square root for screwing.                 
                                                            
39609 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Albin Chaplin   3024-2034



A few, when it's cubed, might be trouble,                   
But squared just after it's doubled,                        
Take three halves and then,                                 
Toss two gross, take ten,                                   
And the twelfth root of this is a couple!                   
                                                            
39610 MATH - ARITHMETIC                                       



A teacher of math named Miss Kitt                           
Made certain her students were fit.                         
She would clear up distractions                             
And explain vulgar fractions                                
By exposing a fraction of tit.                              
                                                            
39611 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Albin Chaplin   3024-0506



A teacher of math named Miss Hunt                           
Developed a fine teaching stunt.                            
She would clear up distractions                             
And explain vulgar fractions,                               
By exposing a fraction of cunt.                             
                                                            
39612 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Albin Chaplin   3024-0476



There's a phenomenon now, you know,                         
Which was not extant some years ago.                        
Kids' math skills disappear                                 
With time, telling I fear,                                  
When the batteries weaken, then go.                         
                                                            
39613 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



While counting, a fellow named Springer                     
Would check off each toe and each finger,                   
And he reached twenty-one                                   
With his zipper undone,                                     
By checking the knob of his dinger.                         
                                                            
39614 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Albin Chaplin   3024-0622



A theorist evaluating a weight,                             
Neglected what he should calculate.                         
He said, "What the hell.                                    
I will do quite well,                                       
When two is much larger than eight."                        
                                                            
39615 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Amikam Aharoni           



The boy really knew his math primer,                        
And was a good scholastic climber.                          
He was very profuse                                         
Multiplying by two's;                                       
Yes, he was a real two-timer.                               
                                                            
39616 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Kirk Miller              



The trees which a math prof named Lutz                      
Sent home with were both substitutes.                       
Friends said he should choose                               
Not buckeyes by yews,                                       
Since those were the ones with square roots.                
                                                            
39617 MATH - ARITHMETIC              A. N. Wilkins       P8506



Let's begin with one and a dot.                             
Then throw in some zeroes, a lot.                           
Adding zeroes, you'd think,                                 
Wouldn't matter a blink --                                  
But it does if they hit the right spot!                     
                                                            
39618 MATH - ARITHMETIC              Laurence Perrine    P8506



And now here's a grave admonition                           
Delivered with proper precision.                            
It's all about k,                                           
Which steps down in ONE way,                                
And the x doesn't go where it isn't.                        
                                                            
39619 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



Calculus marked the end for me                              
Of my earlier mathematic glee.                              
Not like all before                                         
It was such a chore,                                        
But there's 'limits' to all things, you see.                
                                                            
39620 MATH - CALCULUS                                         



There once was a fellow named Stokes                        
Who hid things with fogs and with smokes.                   
But then our young man                                      
Taking hold of his fan,                                     
Cleared the air with a couple of strokes.                   
                                                            
39621 MATH - CALCULUS                Literary Group           



Said a very nice chap 'though Viet Cong,                    
Since our area's infinitely long,                           
It's likely that you'd                                      
Be inclined to conclude                                     
That it's infinitely big, but you're wrong.                 
                                                            
39622 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



A fair maid from North Minnesota                            
Was drawing a steep assymptota.                             
When it got way too high,                                   
She murmured bye-bye,                                       
And mourned not a single iota.                              
                                                            
39623 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



There once was a doctor named Suli,                         
Whose lectures were always unruly.                          
His straight evolution                                      
Of the general solution,                                    
Has nothing to do with Bernouilli!                          
                                                            
39624 MATH - CALCULUS                Kieth Gordon             



Said a ship-shape fellow from the Congo,                    
"Since our area's infinitely long-o,                        
It's likely that you'd                                      
Be inclined to conclude                                     
That it's infinite; but you'd be wrong-o.                   
                                                            
39625 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



A mathmo with sudden propiety                               
Felt he lived all his life much to quietly.                 
But he found out too late                                   
Though he can differentiate,                                
He can't integrate into society.                            
                                                            
39626 MATH - CALCULUS                James Cobb               



A young man named Kenny Mackenzie                           
Had trouble computing ln z.                                 
He breezed through the r-part,                              
With the slickness of pop-art,                              
But the theta-part gave him a frenzy.                       
                                                            
39627 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



If n in a Taylor series                                     
Goes 2 to 11 by threes,                                     
For x = 1,                                                  
Convergence is done                                         
'Twixt zero and two, I believe.                             
                                                            
39628 MATH - CALCULUS                Eric Struckoff           



Said a technique freak named Zeke,                          
"If you think sine-saving is chic,                          
And you want to save                                        
Yourself from the grave,                                    
Try cos and tan and sec."                                   
                                                            
39629 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



A professor of math at Dundee                               
Said, "If I were to pee in the sea,                         
The expression I'd take                                     
For the difference I'd make                                 
Is (dh by dv) delta v."                                     
                                                            
39630 MATH - CALCULUS                B H Jarvis               



A darling named sweet Clemintine,                           
Said, "First sine, then cos, then sine;                     
And the minus and plus                                      
Make everything wuss.                                       
Can it not make up its mind?"                               
                                                            
39631 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



Diff-ing x to the x is fun.                                 
Change the n to n-1,                                        
Then go back to n                                           
And use it again,                                           
In front of it all, and you're done.                        
                                                            
39632 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



There's a general rul for all this,                         
(In case we have a pop quiz):                               
N steps down two ways                                       
For the rest of its days,                                   
And x remains right where it is.                            
                                                            
39633 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



There once was a man from Lapeze,                           
Who spent his life solving d.e.'s.                          
"They're easy", he said,                                    
"But partials I dread,                                      
I break out in spots and I wheeze!"                         
(d.e.'s - differential equations)                           
39634 MATH - CALCULUS                                         



A man I once knew was a tutor,                              
Who got himself into a stupor.                              
When d.e.'s were found                                      
With errors unbound,                                        
He put his fist through his computer.                       
(d.e.'s - differential equations)                           
39635 MATH - CALCULUS                                         



An exam my poor friend had to write,                        
In a subject that gave him a fright.                        
So he snorted a line,                                       
To cut down sleep time.                                     
And his math he did study all night.                        
                                                            
39636 MATH - CALCULUS                                         



My asking produced a "Don't do it!                          
I went into the test and I blew it.                         
My high did abate                                           
At the word 'integrate'.                                    
And I soon realized that I knew shit."                      
                                                            
39637 MATH - CALCULUS                                         



These guys are as busy as beavers.                          
They've got the Monday morning fever.                       
They just grow, grow, and grow.                             
They're never zero,                                         
And they don't remain one for long, either.                 
                                                            
39638 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



God!  Calculus!  Pascal!  This stuff                        
For me is proving too tough.                                
I'll drop out of U                                          
And opt for a screw --                                      
Fuck my teachers -- they've screwed me enough!              
                                                            
39639 MATH - CALCULUS                Nik Synytskyy            



A student from Pembroke once said,                          
"I'll take my mathmatics to bed.                            
My girl isn't willing,                                      
But still I want thrilling,                                 
I'll integrate, quietly, instead."                          
                                                            
39640 MATH - CALCULUS                Andrew Stoker            



A function was feeling inferior;                            
Its life monotonically drearier,                            
Till at length with a yell                                  
It jumped straight into L                                   
And converged to the limit superior.                        
                                                            
39641 MATH - CALCULUS                Leo Mosher               



How can these equations reduce?                             
Must they live on bananas and juice?                        
Can equations non-linear                                    
Aspire to be skinnier?                                      
The solution might be of some use.                          
(Non-linear difference equation without chaos)              
39642 MATH - CALCULUS                Literary Group           



Don't forget, those curves might cross,                     
In which case you should take time to pause,                
So you don't subtract                                       
When add's where it's at.                                   
'Twould be a lamentable loss.                               
(Area between curves)                                       
39643 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



Mr. Leibniz would often proclaim,                           
"Indiscernibles must be the same;                           
The components of all                                       
Are extentless.  I call                                     
These things 'monads'.  And God is to blame."               
                                                            
39644 MATH - CALCULUS                Mark Wainwright          



"The calculus! Plain as can be!"                            
Isaac Newton complained, "Can't they see                    
That though Leibnitz's clients                              
Claim he founded the science,                               
The hun really stole it from me?"                           
                                                            
39645 MATH - CALCULUS                A. N. Wilkins       P8506



A mathmo with sudden propriety                              
Feels he's lived all his life much too quietly.             
But he finds much too late                                  
Though he can differentiate,                                
He can't integrate into society.                            
                                                            
39646 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



"Extremize f," said the text.                               
I at once (partial f/partial x)'ed.                         
I zeroed that, sighed,                                      
(partial f/partial y)'ed,                                   
But solving the two had me vexed.                           
                                                            
39647 MATH - CALCULUS                David Morin et al        



To see how an economy grows,                                
With cycles whose cause no one knows?                       
Our speaker has news                                        
Of delay Diff EQ's,                                         
And he'll tell us with math, not with prose.                
                                                            
39648 MATH - CALCULUS                Literary Group           



We can plot and plot 'til we plotz,                         
But we've got to plot the right spots,                      
Or those lows and those highs                               
Could elude us like flies;                                  
Likewise the flips and the flops.                           
                                                            
39649 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



If your thesis is utterly vacuous,                          
Use first-order predicate calculus.                         
With sufficient formality,                                  
The sheerest banality                                       
Will be hailed by the critics: "Miraculous!"                
                                                            
39650 MATH - CALCULUS                Henry Kautz              



A man had a certain evasion,                                
For solving differential equations.                         
He used random numbers,                                     
To cover his blunders,                                      
And the answers caused quite a sensation.                   
                                                            
39651 MATH - CALCULUS                                         



Oh pity the poor lonely guy;                                
His ex ran away with his y.                                 
Then z came along                                           
But then done him wrong.                                    
Then his one-and-only turned bi.                            
                                                            
39652 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



Than receive, 'tis better to give.                          
Also, live, live, and let live.                             
These are words to clutch                                   
But not quite as much                                       
As velocity equal deriv.                                    
                                                            
39653 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



"Who needs calculus, Click?" ranted Clack.                  
"Differentials are gears at the back,                       
And a limit's a speed                                       
That you cannot exceed;                                     
So what use is this calculus track?"                        
                                                            
39654 MATH - CALCULUS                Prof M-G                 



Answered Click, "Knowing calculus, Clack,                   
Helped them optimize speed of attack                        
And direction of hit,                                       
As they skewered your skit                                  
By bombarding your web site with flack!"                    
                                                            
39655 MATH - CALCULUS                Prof M-G                 



There's a general rule for all this,                        
And it's something you don't want to miss.                  
N moves up and down                                         
Without making a sound,                                     
And x stays right where it is.                              
                                                            
39656 MATH - CALCULUS                Anon                     



Wrote the tiresome Pierre de Fermat:                        
"I've proved a great wonder. Hurrah!                        
The proof written large in                                  
This very small margin,                                     
'S too long, so omitted. Ta-ta!"                            
                                                            
39657 MATH - FERMAT                  James Albert Lindon P9507



A challenge for many long ages                              
Had baffled the savants and sages.                          
Yet at last came the light:                                 
Seems old Fermat was right --                               
To the margin add 200 pages.                                
                                                            
39658 MATH - FERMAT                  Paul Chernoff            



Rational, modular, cohomologically,                         
Wiles and Taylor prove they are the same.                   
Modular, rational, nonarchimedian                           
Methods now justify Fermat's old claim.                     
                                                            
                                                            
39659 MATH - FERMAT                                           



The proof of the claim of Fermat,                           
Is truly a marvelous tract.                                 
Did Pierre tease us all                                     
'Cause the margin was small,                                
Or his writing was much much too fat.                       
                                                            
39660 MATH - FERMAT                  Barry Mazur              



With a little ingenious phrasing,                           
The proof's detail is not quite as dazing.                  
It's enough just to dream                                   
Of a finite flat scheme,                                    
And to say that the proof is amazing.                       
                                                            
39661 MATH - FERMAT                  Alf van der Poorten      



No higher power can ever be,                                
The sum of two of like degree.                              
That shouldn't be too hard to see.                          
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
39662 MATH - FERMAT                  Joseph Shaya             



We take an elliptic curve E,                                
And consider the points killed by 3;                        
This "rho" must be modular,                                 
And by facts which are popular,                             
The proof of Fermat comes for free.                         
                                                            
39663 MATH - FERMAT                  Jeremy Teitelbaum        



A mathematician named Wiles                                 
Overcame the severest of trials.                            
He, amidst great eclat                                      
Proved "Theoreme de Fermat"                                 
And provoked a succession of smiles.                        
                                                            
39664 MATH - FERMAT                  Geoffrey A. Kendall      



Fermat's Last Theorem beguiles.                             
It appeares to be suited to styles                          
Of diligent toilers                                         
Like Gausses and Eulers,                                    
So it yielded to Andrew J. Wiles.                           
                                                            
39665 MATH - FERMAT                  Cybergeezer              



The time has come, Fermat opined,                           
To talk of many things;                                     
Of GL_2 and flat group schemes,                             
And local Heche rings,                                      
And which ideals are Eisenstein,                            
And Wiles's wild flings.                                    
39666 MATH - FERMAT                  Joe Silverman            



Sir Wiles wrote home to his mama                            
And said, "I've improved Taniyama."                         
His mother replied,                                         
"I am filled with such pride...                             
And to think, I once changed your pajama."                  
                                                            
39667 MATH - FERMAT                  Johathan Matte           



Said Wiles, "I know it's for real;                          
I've proven this theorem with zeal."                        
His doubters then said,                                     
"You're out of your head...                                 
You've just reinvented the Weil."                           
(somebody please explain - McW)                             
39668 MATH - FERMAT                  Jonathan Matte           



With an integer greater than two,                           
It's something one simply can't do.                         
If this margin were fat,                                    
I'd show you all that;                                      
But it's not, so the proof is on you!                       
                                                            
39669 MATH - FERMAT                  Ted Munger               



A mathematician named Wiles                                 
Had papers stacked in large piles,                          
Since he saw a clue                                         
He could show Fermat True,                                  
Mixing many mathematical styles.                            
                                                            
39670 MATH - FERMAT                  Jonathan Harvey          



He labored in search of the light,                          
To find the cricial insight.                                
Young Andrew, it seems,                                     
Had childhood dreams                                        
To prove Mr. Fermat was right.                              
                                                            
39671 MATH - FERMAT                  Jonathan Harvey          



He studied for seven long years,                            
Expending much blood, sweat, and tears.                     
After showing the proof,                                    
A skeptic said "Poof!                                       
There's a hole here," raising deep fears.                   
                                                            
39672 MATH - FERMAT                  Jonathan Harvey          



This shattered Mr. Wiles's belief;                          
His ship was wrecked on a reef.                             
Then a quick switcheroo                                     
Came out of the blue,                                       
Providing his mind much relief.                             
                                                            
39673 MATH - FERMAT                  Jonathan Harvey          



Mr. Wiles had been under the gun,                           
But the obstacles blocking Proof One                        
Fixed a much older way                                      
From an earlier day,                                        
And now Wiles has his place in the sun.                     
                                                            
39674 MATH - FERMAT                  Jonathan Harvey          



"My butter, garcon, is writ large in!"                      
A diner was heard to be chargin'.                           
"I had to write there,"                                     
Exclaimed waiter Pierre,                                    
"I couldn't find room in the margarine."                    
                                                            
39675 MATH - FERMAT                  Everett Howe et al  P0201



A mathematician named Wiles                                 
Came up with a proof for the files.                         
He stretched Fermat's margin                                
And managed to barge in                                     
Where others lay felled on their trials.                    
                                                            
39676 MATH - FERMAT                  Matt Perriens            



A mathematician named Pierre                                
Thought "I wonder if someone will care                      
If I say there's a proof                                    
And then somewhat aloof,                                    
Admit I can't fit it in there."                             
                                                            
39677 MATH - FERMAT                  Jonathan Matte           



My I.Q. is just not of the height                           
Required for Mensa -- not quite.                            
Equations and such,                                         
Are just far too much.                                      
To hell with the damn speed of light.                       
                                                            
39678 MATH - GENERAL                 Larry Davis         P8506



Of math courses, I've failed a few.                         
I screwed up in calculus too.                               
The cube of my grades,                                      
Redoubled in spades,                                        
Will not get you into the loo.                              
                                                            
39679 MATH - GENERAL                 Larry Davis         P8506



This unified field stuff is bunk.                           
It does not explain how a chunk                             
Of matter from space                                        
Would not leave a trace,                                    
Of that garbage scow that it sunk.                          
                                                            
39680 MATH - GENERAL                 Larry Davis         P8506



By this time you must have the gist.                        
That, unless you really insist,                             
I'll not do a sum.                                          
I'm just too damn dumb.                                     
And learning, I seem to resist.                             
                                                            
39681 MATH - GENERAL                 Larry Davis         P8506



The square root of nine may be three,                       
but that doesn't matter to me.                              
The best I can do                                           
Is to add two plus two,                                     
Cause I'm only seven, you see.                              
                                                            
39682 MATH - GENERAL                 Larry Davis         P8506



Joe seeks to use math, which is logical,                    
To study ideas biological.                                  
But when things don't work out,                             
He is tempted to shout                                      
Out words that you'd call scatological.                     
(Joe Mahaffy)                                               
39683 MATH - GENERAL                 Literary Group           



To students in dread of higher math;                        
Big companies always hire math                              
ematic graduates                                            
And pay them higher rates,                                  
So go to your class with "Hi ya, Math."                     
                                                            
39684 MATH - GENERAL                 Irving Superior     P8506



To students taking higher math                              
Approaching class with "Hiya, Math."                        
On graduation day,                                          
When offered higher pay,                                    
Enjoy your higher aftermath.                                
                                                            
39685 MATH - GENERAL                 Irving Superior     P8506



That cannibal's wielding some pliers                        
And he poking around those fires.                           
Yes, he making a new                                        
Ethnic abacus, true;                                        
Using testicles strung along wires.                         
                                                            
39686 MATH - GENERAL                 Peter Wilkins            



A really weird guy, Fibonacci;                              
His numbering system is patchy.                             
1, 1, 2, 3, 5,                                              
8, 13 -- Sakes alive!                                       
Now I see why it's hip, cool and catchy!                    
                                                            
39687 MATH - GENERAL                 Peter Wilkins            



Twenty-one, thirty-four follow close                        
('Tis the counting for those otiose);                       
Fifty-five, eighty-nine,                                    
All have limerick time,                                     
After that, though, it is simply gross.                     
                                                            
39688 MATH - GENERAL                 Mike AsSumut             



This limerick I'd like to imbue                             
With humor: A good laugh or two                             
But with all of the math                                    
That litters the path,                                      
I will bore you before I am through.                        
                                                            
39689 MATH - GENERAL                 Jim Weaver Collection    



GOOGOL is more that a lotta;                                
It's even more than a yotta.                                
One hundred power                                           
To make us glower                                           
At math much more than we oughtta.                          
                                                            
39690 MATH - GENERAL                 Daniel Ford              



Mathematics, of Sciences, Queen,                            
And Marie-Antoinette, Queen of the Mean.                    
Both are viewed, in the main,                               
As a right royal pain,                                      
And arouse the same cry...Guillotine!                       
                                                            
39691 MATH - GENERAL                 Prof M-G                 



The devil has found me work to do                           
And so limericks it is that I spew.                         
From the depths of my head,                                 
Silly rhymes henceforth read,                               
But math homework is what I must do.                        
                                                            
39692 MATH - GENERAL                 Tiddy Ogg                



Oh, that math. All those x's and y's,                       
And square roots, and cosines and pi's.                     
I'd concentrate more,                                       
On the girlie next door,                                    
And plan how to get 'tween her thighs.                      
                                                            
39693 MATH - GENERAL                 Tiddy Ogg                



Quadratic and too, simultaneous;                            
My mind went to things more extraneous.                     
What I wanted more,                                         
Was to creep round next door,                               
And grapple with things Mary Janeous.                       
                                                            
39694 MATH - GENERAL                 Tiddy Ogg                



With body curvaceous and firmish,                           
She flirted; and after a skirmish                           
And tussle and fight                                        
Lasting half of the night,                                  
She said, "Take me, you devil! I'm squirmish."              
                                                            
39695 MATH - GENERAL                 Tiddy Ogg                



The world's mathematical forces,                            
Despite their outstanding resources,                        
Do not cease to adorn                                       
With the Lemma of Zorn,                                     
Over ninety per cent of their courses.                      
                                                            
39696 MATH - GENERAL                 Leo Mosher               



Mathematics: of sciences, queen,                            
Has more rules than I've ever seen.                         
There are no exceptions,                                    
Just number deceptions.                                     
On calculators, I am quite keen.                            
                                                            
39697 MATH - GENERAL                 Marlene                  



A mathematician said, "Who                                  
Can quote me a theorem that's true?                         
The ones that I know                                        
Are simply not so                                           
When the characteristic is two."                            
                                                            
39698 MATH - GENERAL                 Leo Mosher               



At this time, in our schools it is said,                    
That the pupil need not use his head.                       
No longer he fidgets                                        
And counts on his digits;                                   
He manipulates buttons instead!                             
                                                            
39699 MATH - GENERAL                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Mathematics: Of sciences, Queen!                            
Exactly just what does that mean?                           
Are math guys all gay?                                      
Or in some other way,                                       
Of sciences, number two on the scene.                       
                                                            
39700 MATH - GENERAL                 Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



Mathematics of Sciences, Queen,                             
Loathed to add or subtract as a teen.                       
So she fell with both arms                                  
For Technology's charm,                                     
And begat the computing machine.                            
                                                            
39701 MATH - GENERAL                 Prof M-G                 



Mathematics is all in the mind                              
And so too is sex, you will find.                           
If you like aberration                                      
Just use imagination,                                       
But please, will you try to be kind?                        
                                                            
39702 MATH - GENERAL                 Neal Wilgus         P8506



The females who've got math anxiet-                         
y (v. males) have the moiet-                                
y, and can't add 2 + 2 -                                    
And neither could you,                                      
If, from birth, you're discouraged to try it.               
                                                            
39703 MATH - GENERAL                 Robin K. Willoughby P8506



Unless you're a bit of a clod,                              
You'll think the arrangement is odd.                        
Four dots in a square,                                      
Plus one centered there.                                    
That gives you a quincunx, by God.                          
                                                            
39704 MATH - GEOMETRY                Larry Davis         P8601



There's more thqn one meaning, you know.                    
The quincunx is not just for show.                          
Botanically, it                                             
Will give you a fit.                                        
It's circular, not in a row.                                
                                                            
39705 MATH - GEOMETRY                Larry Davis         P8601



Oh yes, it means just one more thing:                       
The song that astrologists sing,                            
When two planets are,                                       
From nearest to far,                                        
Apart by five signs of the ring.                            
                                                            
39706 MATH - GEOMETRY                Larry Davis         P8601



"To master geometry means                                   
To begin with the art in one's teens,                       
To keep a clear head,"                                      
Pythagoras said,                                            
"And always avoid eating beans."                            
                                                            
39707 MATH - GEOMETRY                A. N. Wilkins       P8506



Said a point being approached by a locus,                   
"I condsider this sheer hocus-pocus.                        
What good will it do me                                     
If it never gets to me?                                     
Will someone please tell it to focus."                      
                                                            
39708 MATH - GEOMETRY                Conrad Aiken             



A pious young pupil named Meeks,                            
Who claims mathematicians are freaks,                       
Asks why he has to study                                    
Junk derived by those cruddy                                
Heathen Arabs and infidel Greeks.                           
                                                            
39709 MATH - GEOMETRY                A. N. Wilkins       P8506



I argued, "An arc is a boat."                               
She said, "Don't be an ass!" That's a quote.                
And then she said, "Irv,                                    
An arc is a curve,                                          
And you are a dumb billygoat."                              
                                                            
39710 MATH - GEOMETRY                Al Willis           T9801



Let geometers sing their dull psalms                        
About circles' and triangles' charms.                       
But the figure I prize                                      
Is a girl with bright eyes,                                 
And the circle that's formed by her arms.                   
                                                            
39711 MATH - GEOMETRY                Leo Mosher               



For Popemobile specs we rely                                
On data sent down from up high.                             
Every wheel has a flat                                      
And the reason is that                                      
It's the biblical value of pi.                              
(Pi = 3.0)                                                  
39712 MATH - GEOMETRY                Phil Cannibal       P9006



Your spelling's been sadly neglected,                       
Though interest in math is detected.                        
I'll show you a trick,                                      
Involving my prick                                          
And your legs being neatly bisected.                        
                                                            
39713 MATH - GEOMETRY                                         



An Egyptian, a high priest of Horus,                        
Blew a bubble in the shape of a torus.                      
But Willmore said, "No,                                     
It's not minimal, so                                        
Such an object can't be set before us.                      
                                                            
39714 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



If you should round your Pi to 3,                           
Then the wheel can no longer be;                            
Your car and your bike,                                     
And little one's trike,                                     
Are sure to become history.                                 
                                                            
39715 MATH - GEOMETRY                Michael Piersdorff       



Now we know about pi, also e,                               
But what about geometry?                                    
With ruler and pen                                          
And set square in my hand,                                  
What craftsmanship this will be.                            
                                                            
39716 MATH - GEOMETRY                Walter Barth             



Said a curve, "I'm becoming hysterical;                     
It is hell to be merely numerical.                          
I bend and I bend,                                          
But where will it end,                                      
In a world that is hopelessly spherical?"                   
                                                            
39717 MATH - GEOMETRY                Conrad Aiken             



We'll see how to look at a curve                            
And follow its turn and its swerve,                         
When it doesn't have length                                 
And the calculus strength                                   
To describe the geometric curve.                            
                                                            
39718 MATH - GEOMETRY                Literary Group           



A circle is certainly neat;                                 
It starts with a line length discreet,                      
Then by grasping each end                                   
'Round a pi plate you bend --                               
When the ends touch, the circle's complete.                 
                                                            
39719 MATH - GEOMETRY                Albin Chaplin   3024-2728



I'm bored, said a right-angled triangle.                    
Fed up with this rectitude angle.                           
And what is the use                                         
Of a hypotenuse,                                            
If she hasn't got bangs and a bangle.                       
                                                            
39720 MATH - GEOMETRY                Conrad Aiken             



A fair maid from North Minneapolis                          
Was an expert in drawing parabolas.                         
She extended their arms                                     
And showed off their charms,                                
And they looked positively fabulous.                        
                                                            
39721 MATH - GEOMETRY                Anon                     



In a Greek mathematical Forum                               
Young Euclid was present to bore 'em.                       
He spent most of his time                                   
Drawing circles sublime,                                    
And in crossing the pons asinorum                           
                                                            
39722 MATH - GEOMETRY                Leo Moser                



In a triangle called ABC,                                   
Pick a point on AB, call it P.                              
Pick a Q on BC,                                             
Where BQ is BP.                                             
Ah, the joys of pure geometry!                              
                                                            
39723 MATH - GEOMETRY                David Gale               



On CA pick an R, oh please do,                              
Where CR is exactly CQ,                                     
And now pick an S                                           
On AB, more or less,                                        
So that "AS is AR" is true.                                 
                                                            
39724 MATH - GEOMETRY                David Gale               



On BC the next letter is T,                                 
Where BT is BS, don't you see.                              
On CA pick a U,                                             
An you'll know what to do,                                  
Next what's this? We've arrived back at P!                  
                                                            
39725 MATH - GEOMETRY                David Gale               



Now some proofs were soon found close at hand,              
But it didn't turn out quite as I'd planned.                
For though not very large,                                  
(They would fit in the marg-                                
In) regrettably, none of them scanned.                      
                                                            
39726 MATH - GEOMETRY                David Gale               



Poor Euclid, he cried all day long,                         
When his parrot flew back to Ceylon.                        
He was working out pi                                       
When it took to the sky,                                    
The next thing he knew, Polygon!                            
                                                            
39727 MATH - GEOMETRY                OgniGioia                



While teaching the History of Math,                         
And planning the course in his bath,                        
Art cried out "Eureka!"                                     
(He was heard in Topeka)                                    
"One cannot find a parallet path!"                          
(Art Springer)                                              
39728 MATH - GEOMETRY                Literary Group           



There was a young man named Kareem,                         
Who explained, "For a point real extreme,                   
The tangent at a,                                           
To a rest must lay;                                         
I wish it the pleasantest of dreams."                       
                                                            
39729 MATH - GEOMETRY                Anon                     



When Greek mathmos were alive,                              
They thought Euclid's rule number five,                     
About lines parallel                                        
Didn't gel very well,                                       
But from others it could be derived.                        
                                                            
39730 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



For their wisdom, these eminent sages                       
Couldn't do it, and all through the ages                    
It defied their deductions                                  
And ad absurdum reductions,                                 
And refused to budge from their pages.                      
                                                            
39731 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



But Boylai and son tried again,                             
And soon Janus discovered a plane,                          
Where many parallels thrive,                                
Breaking rule number five,                                  
Leaving Geometry as though hit by a train.                  
                                                            
39732 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



Geometry and its foundations were rocked,                   
And to its side, more geometries flocked,                   
In which the sum of the angles                              
Was not pi for triangles                                    
And thus Euclid's fifth postulate was mocked.               
                                                            
39733 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



A mathematician named Klein                                 
Took one look at the mess and said, "Fine!                  
To aid trigonoetry,                                         
I'll unify geometry,                                        
And help out the parallel line.                             
                                                            
39734 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



There was a young lady named Foxe                           
Who had a four-dimensional box.                             
A pretty girl, too.                                         
But she'd only screw                                        
With men who had hyperspace cocks.                          
                                                            
39735 MATH - GEOMETRY                Michael Weinstein   P8506



Take note of the colorful carrot,                           
A conical section with merit.                               
With a knife, any boob                                      
Can extract the cube,                                       
But not even Euclid could square it!                        
                                                            
39736 MATH - GEOMETRY                Stiffy Joe               



There once was a boy who would sigh,                        
"No matter how hard I do try,                               
It's always in vain                                         
When they try to explain.                                   
I suppose I must eat humble pi.                             
                                                            
39737 MATH - GEOMETRY                Bill Backe-Hansen   P8506



Said Mrs. Isosceles Tri,                                    
"That I'm sharp I've no wish to deny.                       
But I do not dare                                           
To be perfectly square--                                    
I'm sure if I did, I should die!"                           
                                                            
39738 MATH - GEOMETRY                Clinton Burgess          



Beggs sampled the chef's treat Chinese--                    
Lee's sauce with two eggs, it did please.                   
"This angle," said Beggs,                                   
"With two equal eggs,                                       
I believe is a nice sauce o' Lee's."                        
                                                            
39739 MATH - GEOMETRY                Al Chaplin 3024     P9708



My dearest, I do love you truly,                            
But don't expect me to get drooly,                          
Or fall into fits                                           
For a couple of tits                                        
Like the lemniscate drawn by Bernoulli.                     
(lemniscate - line from center of cone to a tangent)        
39740 MATH - GEOMETRY                                    G2538



A jungle explorer named Bigger                              
Was fucking a colored gold digger.                          
It was lust like a tonic,                                   
With her fanny harmonic,                                    
Which traced a fine Lissajous figure.                       
                                                            
39741 MATH - GEOMETRY                Albin Chaplin   3024-0047



William Harvey the elder knew blood,                        
And this William Harvey's no dud.                           
Instead of corpuscles,                                      
We'll see Mandelbrot's mussels --                           
They look just like oysters in mud.                         
                                                            
39742 MATH - GEOMETRY                Literary Group           



Oh, how I just do like to frolic                            
With complex manifolds, hyperbolic,                         
Or those just plain smooth,                                 
Though to tell you the truth,                               
Linear ones give me the colic.                              
                                                            
39743 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



The subject has such terminology                            
As "Weyl tensor" and "Floer Cohomology",                    
And masses and masses                                       
Of various chern classes                                    
And terms borrowed from sociology.                          
                                                            
39744 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jonathan Munn            



Cartographer Gerard Mercator                                
Found drawing the longitudes straighter,                    
With latitudes sketched                                     
In at right angles, stretched                               
The Antarctic and squashed the Equator.                     
                                                            
39745 MATH - GEOMETRY                Peter                    



Cartographer Gerard Mercator                                
Found drawing the longitudes straighter,                    
With latitudes sketched                                     
In at right angles, stretched                               
The Antarctic and squashed the Equator.                     
                                                            
39746 MATH - GEOMETRY                Peter                    



A crafty cartographer, Crater,                              
Is rumored to be quite a satyr.                             
His testes alone,                                           
To such size are they grown,                                
Must be viewed in projection Mercator.                      
                                                            
39747 MATH - GEOMETRY                                         



Said a scholar from Athens, "They'll try us                 
If geometry work's not more vieous.                         
Despite finding truths                                      
In examining youths,                                        
We must concentrate more on the pi-ous.                     
                                                            
39748 MATH - GEOMETRY                Bill Backe-Hansen   P8506



A geometry teacher, Louise,                                 
Was giving the student a tease,                             
As she rubbed on his thighs                                 
And his boner did rise                                      
To an angle of ninety degrees.                              
                                                            
39749 MATH - GEOMETRY                Cap'n Bean               



A ditzo from hither or thither                              
Refused to get all in a tither.                             
"'Tis true," he said, "I                                    
Can't tell x from y,                                        
But I can't tell left from right, either."                  
                                                            
39750 MATH - GEOMETRY                Anon                     



Though the mathematician Melissa                            
Could find any number's mantissa,                           
Her graphing was strange,                                   
For she'd interchange                                       
The ordinate and the abscissa.                              
                                                            
39751 MATH - GEOMETRY                Cybergeezer              



Two parallel lines have been meant                          
To travel divided content,                                  
And they gain no affinity,                                  
Though they go to infinity.                                 
Unless one toward the other is bent.                        
                                                            
39752 MATH - GEOMETRY                Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



There's a question I need to entreat,                       
'Cause it doesn't seem much of a feat,                      
And we know they get laid,                                  
So why's it cliched,                                        
That parallel lions don't meet?                             
                                                            
39753 MATH - GEOMETRY                                         



A discovery I've made, quite profound.                      
A theorem, I shall prove is unsound.                        
A Nobel I wll get                                           
When they see what I writ.                                  
"Cake are square. Pi are round!"                            
                                                            
39754 MATH - GEOMETRY                Les Stewart              



It's an old academic dispute:                               
What's the nmber with pi for square root?                   
Math profs have declared                                    
That the answer's pi squared;                               
Engineers say "It's 1O we compute!"                         
                                                            
39755 MATH - GEOMETRY                Prof M-G                 



There once was a fellow from Greece                         
Who forgot Pi's last decimal piece                          
So he used electronics                                      
To collect Pi mnemonics ...                                 
Now he's hooked, and there is no release.                   
                                                            
39756 MATH - GEOMETRY                Jim Weaver Collection    



My darling! I've just got some rotten news:                 
That position that you and I often use?                     
I'm told it's a sine                                        
Of climactic decline,                                       
If your opposite's o'er my hypotenuse.                      
                                                            
39757 MATH - GEOMETRY                Ed Potts            P8506



An aerodynamicist's mate                                    
Was reviling the orderings of Fate,                         
For the configuration                                       
Of their connubial relation                                 
Was prismoidal instead of oblate.                           
                                                            
39758 MATH - GEOMETRY                Dana Thompson       G2631



A cartographer, Harrison by name,                           
By projection of balls gained his fame.                     
The walls of his halls,                                     
Were hung not with balls,                                   
But peculiar distortions of same.                           
                                                            
39759 MATH - GEOMETRY                                    L1494



When Pythagoras suffered bad dreams,                        
New roof structures collapsed at the seams,                 
Crashing down on his proof                                  
That the square of the roof,                                
Is the sum of the squares of its beams.                     
                                                            
39760 MATH - GEOMETRY                Prof M-G                 



A red Indian Chief with three brides.                       
When asked how he chooses, confides:                        
The squaw by my side                                        
On the hippopotamus hide                                    
Equals the squaws on the other two hides.                   
                                                            
39761 MATH - GEOMETRY                H Myers            TP9802



Old Pythagoras had a good ruse                              
For triangle solvers to use.                                
'Add the squares of each side.'                             
He explained with some pride,                               
'That's the square of the hypotenuise.'                     
                                                            
39762 MATH - GEOMETRY                Funfax Limericks         



A mathematician named Dare                                  
Could issue a turd that was square.                         
Then he tried an ejection                                   
With a rhombus trisection --                                
I believe he is still straining there.                      
                                                            
39763 MATH - GEOMETRY                Albin Chaplin   3024-2008



Pythagorous thought of a theorem;                           
Corners, he no longer did fear 'em.                         
For every triangle                                          
He tried to untangle,                                       
He had the right angle to clear 'em.                        
                                                            
39764 MATH - GEOMETRY                P E Murphy               



Said tangential wry physicist, Dyne,                        
When extending a loan to John Bein,                         
"John, have I made it clear                                 
I'll need you to sine here,                                 
And require someone else to cos?"                           
                                                            
39765 MATH - GEOMETRY                Loren Fitzhugh      P0800



A mathematician named Hall                                  
Had a hexahedronical ball.                                  
The cube of its weight,                                     
Times his pecker, plus eight,                               
Was three-fifths of five-eights of FUCK ALL!                
(Was his phone number, give him a call.)                    
39766 MATH - GEOMETRY                Anon                L0169



I learned from a lady named Katie,                          
Professor of Math down in Haiti,                            
That internal angles                                        
Of any triangle                                             
Sum up to 180.                                              
                                                            
39767 MATH - GEOMETRY                Tiddy Ogg                



And all of you beer-swilling tarts,                         
Who down at the pub will throw darts,                       
Will know that that score                                   
Is the max and no more                                      
May be got with a set of three parts.                       
                                                            
39768 MATH - GEOMETRY                Tiddy Ogg                



And also 180 degrees                                        
Is what politicians, with ease,                             
Will turn in there stance,                                  
To give them a chance                                       
Of gain through corruption or sleaze.                       
                                                            
39769 MATH - GEOMETRY                Tiddy Ogg                



There lives a sweet lady named Dinah                        
With a tesseract in her vagina.                             
While seeking relief,                                       
She found only grief,                                       
With a mobius penis from China.                             
                                                            
39770 MATH - GEOMETRY                Sam Pittman        TP9804



The tesseract tail of Sweet Sue                             
Is a libel and grossly untrue.                              
While the Chinamen stand                                    
With their dinks in their hand,                             
The Hindus, with ESP, jump the queue.                       
                                                            
39771 MATH - GEOMETRY                Paul Enever         G2635



Let there be two manifolds                                  
And some points where their map does not hold,              
A theorem of Sard,                                          
Whose proof is not hard,                                    
Says this set has no measure.  Behold!                      
                                                            
39772 MATH - GEOMETRY                Travis Maron             



A man by the surname of Chisholm,                           
Had a cock in the shape of a prism.                         
He kept it well oiled,                                      
But women recoiled,                                         
When they saw his triangular jizm.                          
                                                            
39773 MATH - GEOMETRY                                         



There was a young fellow named Dan,                         
Who knew about sin, cos, and tan.                           
He talked rather big                                        
Of his knowledge of trig;                                   
He did seem a clever young man.                             
                                                            
39774 MATH - GEOMETRY                W A Dodd                 



A math prof enervated by booze,                             
Uses this ruse whenever he screws --                        
His dangling wang'll                                        
Soon twang at an angle,                                     
After goosing his hypotenuse.                               
                                                            
39775 MATH - GEOMETRY                Robin K. Willoughby P8506



Our eyes and our ears come in pairs;                        
Two feet help in climbing up stairs.                        
It takes two to tango;                                      
Two halves to a mango;                                      
And two pairs of sides make up squares.                     
                                                            
39776 MATH - GEOMETRY                Hans                     



They all went two-by-two in the ark.                        
My neighbor has two dogs that bark.                         
There's "Two for the seasaw;"                               
That's where I met Esau --                                  
We two have such fun in the dark.                           
                                                            
39777 MATH - GEOMETRY                Theater Gypsy            



If circles you wish to define,                              
So useful's that little Greek sign,                         
That's known as pi, pal.  You                               
Can say that its value                                      
Is 3.14159.                                                 
                                                            
39778 MATH - GEOMETRY                Tiddy Ogg                



At an orgy John Venn once said, "Damn!                      
I hate math! I'd much rather ram!                           
Let's forget aliquots!"                                     
(Overlapping three twats)                                   
And invented the Venn diaphragm.                            
                                                            
39779 MATH - GEOMETRY                                    G2306



He once jammed a ball up her pot.                           
"Eureka!" he shouted, "I've got                             
A formula here!                                             
The V of my sphere                                          
Is two thirds the V of this twat!"                          
                                                            
39780 MATH - GEOMETRY                                         



There once was a teacher of math                            
With one leg short an inch and a half.                      
He was consistently late                                    
For he couldn't walk straight,                              
Since he trod in a circular path.                           
                                                            
39781 MATH - GEOMETRY                Edwin J Weinstein        



The mathematics famous three --                             
There's George, the famous (Geo.) Metry.                    
And then there's Gebra, Al                                  
And thirdly, Culus, Cal,                                    
According to (Theo) Ry.                                     
                                                            
39782 MATH - JOKES                   Irving Superior     P8506



A mathematician named Densel,                               
Whilst pondering problems tangential,                       
Said,"This calculation,                                     
Gives me constipation",                                     
As he worked it out with his pencil.                        
                                                            
39783 MATH - JOKES                                            



In the bath Archimedes sat glued                            
To the problem, till bouyant in mood                        
He perceived with a cry,                                    
The value of pi                                             
And dashed down the street in the nude.                     
                                                            
39784 MATH - JOKES                   A. N. Wilkins       P8506



A mathematician called Week,                                
Has geometry which is unique.                               
If A equals B                                               
And B equals C                                              
ABC is his lower left cheek.                                
                                                            
39785 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Babbit                               
Put some quite simple sums to a rabbit.                     
The rabbit replied                                          
"I must learn to divide,                                    
With me multiplication's a habit."                          
                                                            
39786 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Bird,                                
Had students who thought him absurd.                        
There were cries of derision                                
When he said long division,                                 
Meant one into one made a third.                            
                                                            
39787 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Rubik,                               
Has a very strange area pubic.                              
His balls are both conical,                                 
They look very comical,                                     
With a penis described best as cubic.                       
                                                            
39788 MATH - JOKES                                            



There was a young pupil called Ned,                         
Who was fearfully thick in the head.                        
He could count up to five                                   
And appeared to survive,                                    
But by twenty to six he was dead.                           
                                                            
39789 MATH - JOKES                                            



Though the lady in math was a whiz,                         
Yet she failed in her very first quiz.                      
She made a good try:                                        
"It's a function of pie,                                    
But I can't tell what flavor it is."                        
                                                            
39790 MATH - JOKES                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2836



Ever since time immemorial                                  
Math has made sex appear incorporeal.                       
When a lady screams "FUCK!"                                 
Mathematicians are struck                                   
By the elegance of FUCK factorial.                          
                                                            
39791 MATH - JOKES                                       G2372



The mathematician Von Blecks,                               
Devised an equation for sex,                                
Having proved a good fuck,                                  
Isn't patience or luck,                                     
But a function of y over x.                                 
                                                            
39792 MATH - JOKES                                            



The angle of the dangle is proportional,                    
Linearly and not distortional,                              
To the beat of the meat,                                    
O'er the mass of the ass.                                   
Which leads to climatic factortional.                       
                                                            
39793 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician named Gale                                  
Is famed for this Theorem of Tail:                          
The length of your pole                                     
And the depth of her hole                                   
Must match in the frail you impale.                         
                                                            
39794 MATH - JOKES                   Armand E Singer       985



A mathematician called Dewar,                               
Whose maths were incredibly pure,                           
Clamped his penile device                                   
In an engineer's vice,                                      
Then in microns he measured his skewer.                     
                                                            
39795 MATH - JOKES                                            



A lad of the brainier kind                                  
Had erogenous zones of the mind.                            
He got his sensations                                       
By solving equations.                                       
Of course, in the end, he went blind.                       
                                                            
39796 MATH - JOKES                   Hymie Sneak              



An unsolved equation left Freeling                          
At bedtime with head sorely reeling.                        
In his dreams his math muse                                 
Gave his rectum a goose,                                    
And the answer got creamed on the ceiling.                  
                                                            
39797 MATH - JOKES                   Michael Weinstein   P8506



A young mathematician from Rye                              
Is your typically digital guy;                              
He shouted, "My face's                                      
Been twenty squared places,                                 
But I still can't get close to hair-pi!"                    
                                                            
39798 MATH - JOKES                   Robin K. Willoughby P8311



A mathematician called Hill,                                
Had a wife who was not on the Pill.                         
Though he missed no occasion,                               
To try multiplication,                                      
The product produced was just nil.                          
                                                            
39799 MATH - JOKES                                            



A math-hating fellow named Rex                              
Devised an equation for sex.                                
His formerly hateful                                        
Numbers were grateful,                                      
And Pi was gone down on by X.                               
                                                            
39800 MATH - JOKES                   S. Dale             P8211



There once was a number named 'Pi',                         
Who frequently liked to get high.                           
All he did every day                                        
Was sit down and play                                       
With his imaginary friend named 'i'                         
                                                            
39801 MATH - JOKES                   Eve Andersson            



Where they teach navigators to fly                          
The math is unusually high.                                 
Since, as seems only right,                                 
They teach while in flight,                                 
They've named the course "Pi in the Sky".                   
                                                            
39802 MATH - JOKES                   A. N. Wilkins       P8506



You learned quite a lot, mon cher.                          
Your knowledge is extraordinaire.                           
At all of those schools                                     
You were taught by damn fools,                              
If they taught you that pie are square.                     
                                                            
39803 MATH - JOKES                   Al Willis           T9707



Though mathematicians abound,                               
Their grammar and logic ain't sound;                        
Don't nobody care                                           
If they say "pie are square",                               
When everyone knows pies is round.                          
                                                            
39804 MATH - JOKES                   Ed Potts            P8506



A mathematician called Rumbold,                             
One day, quite by accident, stumbled                        
On the Meaning of Life,                                     
Then went on, for his wife,                                 
To find out why all her apple pies crumbled.                
                                                            
39805 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Plumb,                               
Was engrossed in a difficult sum.                           
And even in bed,                                            
It stayed in his head                                       
Till his wife said, "For God's sake, Plumb, come."          
                                                            
39806 MATH - JOKES                                            



A friend who's in liquor production,                        
Owns a still of astounding construction.                    
The alcohol boils                                           
Through old magnet coils;                                   
She says that it's "proof by induction".                    
                                                            
39807 MATH - JOKES                   Stargazer           P9706



A randy young number named Six                              
Tried to get to the Nine for some kicks.                    
But the Seven was older                                     
And quite a bit bolder,                                     
And Seven eight Nine for ten licks.                         
                                                            
39808 MATH - JOKES                   Don Moore           P9306



A mathematician called Dick                                 
Tried to measure the size of his prick.                     
But he was enraged                                          
When he found when he gauged                                
It, not quite the short side of a brick.                    
                                                            
39809 MATH - JOKES                                            



Said Reverend Rectangular Square,                           
"To say that I'm lost is not fair.                          
For though you have found                                   
That I'm never a round,                                     
You knew all the time I was there."                         
                                                            
39810 MATH - JOKES                   Clinton Burgess          



A mathematician called Power,                               
Calculated his lust in the shower.                          
But he was nonplussed                                       
When the force of his thrust,                               
Stopped the water for over an hour.                         
                                                            
39811 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Cross,                               
Fell in love with the wife of his boss.                     
The boss's reaction,                                        
Suggested subtraction,                                      
He said, "Take her away, she's no loss."                    
                                                            
39812 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician named Fine                                  
Always showed her classes a good time.                      
Instead of multiplication,                                  
She taught fornication,                                     
And never got past sixty-nine.                              
                                                            
39813 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Hyde,                                
Took a busload of girls for a ride.                         
And in preparation,                                         
For multiplication,                                         
Each girl forced her legs to divide.                        
                                                            
39814 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician named Lutz                                  
Had an orchard with all sorts of fruits,                    
And his family agrees                                       
That all of the trees                                       
That he cultivates there have square roots.                 
                                                            
39815 MATH - JOKES                   A. N. Wilkins       P8311



A boy, 10, was failing courses,                             
From math to how to ride horses.                            
At St. mark's Grade School,                                 
Kids thought him uncool                                     
And put him under pain sources.                             
                                                            
39816 MATH - JOKES                   Larry                    



His folks moved him to Yeshiver,                            
Where he worked just like a beaver,                         
And looked like one too,                                    
With his ear locks new,                                     
Which sometimes gave him a fever.                           
                                                            
39817 MATH - JOKES                   Larry                    



"Oy vay", he said, "I'm doing well.                         
I'm class cantor, my voice is swell.                        
My Yiddish is good,                                         
When I'm in the mood,                                       
And kosher hot dogs ring my bell."                          
                                                            
39818 MATH - JOKES                   Larry                    



Poor Yankel incurred parents wrath,                         
Because he was failing in math.                             
"This boy is no fool,                                       
We'll pick a new school,                                    
Immersed in a discipline bath."                             
                                                            
39819 MATH - JOKES                   Chris Papa               



And so to St. Agnes he went,                                
Now worked with a new will, all bent.                       
He got only A's,                                            
And earned parents praise,                                  
Who asked how the sudden turn went.                         
                                                            
39820 MATH - JOKES                   Chris Papa               



"Did nuns teach you all that you know,                      
Perhaps the good priest helped you grow."                   
The lad shook his head,                                     
'Twas this way", he said,                                   
And told them just how it was so.                           
                                                            
39821 MATH - JOKES                   Chris Papa               



"I knew that hard work would be mine,                       
And all my math skills I'd refine,                          
Saw guy that had failed,                                    
And how they had nailed                                     
Him to a wooden plus sign.                                  
                                                            
39822 MATH - JOKES                   Chris Papa               



A mathematician called Able,                                
Made love to a young girl called Mabel,                     
They hadn't a bed,                                          
So made use instead,                                        
Of an old mathematical table.                               
                                                            
39823 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Strong,                              
Got all his conclusions quite wrong.                        
His value for pi                                            
Was put much too high,                                      
Like the average length of his dong.                        
                                                            
39824 MATH - JOKES                                            



A mathematician called Day,                                 
Who was anxious to have it away,                            
Said the value of X                                         
Turned his thinking to sex,                                 
X times Y was the price he would pay.                       
                                                            
39825 MATH - JOKES                                            



A clever inventor called Pine                               
Made a binary clock which looked fine,                      
But it ran rather late                                      
showing 10100 past 1000                                     
When it should have been 1111 past 1001.                    
                                                            
39826 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           John Dole           P9609



To convert to a base based on two                           
This is the thing you must do:                              
By two divide,                                              
Put remainder aside,                                        
And repeat until you are through.                           
                                                            
39827 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Arthur Deex         P8506



To return to a base based on ten,                           
Raise two to the power of n,                                
Where n counts the site                                     
Starting zero on the right,                                 
Times that digit -- add 'em up then.                        
                                                            
39828 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Arthur Deex         P8506



"Our number system is based," explained Ben,                
"On the fingers we've got; namely ten.                      
But in Babylon they                                         
Used base sixty." "I'd say                                  
Those guys were great finger fuckers," said Gwen.           
                                                            
39829 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Michael Weinstein   P8506



My alien friends are quite facile                           
In duodecimal 'cause they're dodecadactyl.                  
Plus they use their joints                                  
As duodecimal points,                                       
Which is handy because they're retractile.                  
                                                            
39830 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           John Miller              



Then what of the base 12 so cool?                           
It's supposed to be far the best tool.                      
Are we to attest                                            
Ten fingers aren't best?                                    
Should dodecadactyl freaks rule?                            
                                                            
39831 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           H Whelchel               



There was a young sudent from Crewe                         
Who learned how to count in base 2.                         
His sums were all done                                      
With 0 and 1,                                               
And he found it much simpler to do.                         
                                                            
39832 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           W A Dodd                 



The binary system is fun,                                   
And with it odd things can be done.                         
For two, as you know                                        
is a one and an oh,                                         
And five is a hundred and one.                              
                                                            
39833 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Leo Mosher               



I saw me a stinker called Pi,                               
Which technically wandered awry.                            
The chaos of God                                            
Just set me a-nod;                                          
The Theory of Numbers won't fly.                            
                                                            
39834 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           H WHELCHEL               



He said with his soft Hindu drawl                           
To his colleagues that there was no call                    
To proclaim him a hero                                      
For discovering zero,                                       
For it really was nothing at all.                           
                                                            
39835 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           A. N. Wilkins       P850 



He swears that the girls can't resist him;                  
Keeps a list of the ones who have kissed him.               
The amounts not too hot                                     
But it looks like a lot,                                    
Since it's kept in the binary system.                       
                                                            
39836 MATH - NUMBER THEORY                               G2472



There was a young lady called Kate,                         
Who math was right up-to date.                              
She said, "It is fun                                        
When three threes are one-one,                              
Which they are with modulo 8!"                              
                                                            
39837 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           W A Dodd                 



A lady of 80 named Gertie                                   
Had a boyfriend of 60 named Bertie.                         
She told him emphatically                                   
That viewed mathematically                                  
By modulo 50, she's 30.                                     
                                                            
39838 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           John McClellan           



A mathematician named Ben                                   
Could only count modulo ten.                                
He said, "When I go                                         
Past my last little toe,                                    
I have to start over again."                                
                                                            
39839 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Martin Gardner           



To 3, 5, and 7 assign                                       
A name, the prof said, we'll define.                        
But he botched the instruction                              
With lame-ass induction,                                    
And told us the next prime was nine.                        
                                                            
39840 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           David Morin et al        



"The number of fingers," claims spouse,                     
Sets the number base people espouse."                       
I can tell you that you                                     
Just strengthened my view                                   
That octal is pure MIckey Mouse.                            
                                                            
39841 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           John Miller              



In Arctic and Tropical Climes,                              
The Integers, addition, and times,                          
Taken (mod p) will yield                                    
A full finite field,                                        
As p ranges over the primes.                                
(anwser to final exam - what have you learned?)             
39842 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Peter Olsen              



Your bits, Dear, are truly devine.                          
Your byte should be lingering on mine.                      
Though 'puter or sex,                                       
I'd much prefer hex.                                        
For you I'd perform 1000101.                                
                                                            
39843 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           John Miller              



A binary mathematician                                      
Had the curious erotic ambition                             
To know what to do                                          
With the powers of two,                                     
When the two are in proper position.                        
                                                            
39844 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Anon                G2421



To think of the integers prime                              
Is a fine way to pass away time.                            
That their relative share                                   
Of those integers there                                     
Is like one over log, how sublime!                          
                                                            
39845 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Literary Group           



Pi goes on and on and on,                                   
And e is just as cursed.                                    
I wonder, which is larger                                   
When their digits are reversed?                             
                                                            
                                                            
39846 MATH - NUMBER THEORY                                    



The numbers that fit in the space                           
Come by chance from some unsure place.                      
So what can one say                                         
When they're chosen this way,                               
Pulled out of a hat or a vase?                              
                                                            
39847 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Literary Group           



We've all seen the clocks drawn by Dali,                    
An artist who speaks of life's folly.                       
The digits telling time                                     
Are surreal, and sublime,                                   
Now Don Lutz explains them, by golly.                       
                                                            
39848 MATH - NUMBER THEORY           Literary Group           



A mathematician named Blunt                                 
For years an equation did hunt                              
To prove that good sex                                      
Was not y over x,                                           
But a function of prick over cunt.                          
                                                            
39849 MATH - PEOPLE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1958



When I heard that James thinks he's applied,                
I laughed and I laughed till I cried.                       
You just have to hear him                                   
Propose a new theorem                                       
To see his applied side has died.                           
                                                            
39850 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



Archimedes' wife laid down the rule:                        
"When travelling to and from school,                        
Keep your hand clear                                        
Of those slave-girls, you hear?                             
Or I'll truncate your cubes, you old fool."                 
                                                            
39851 MATH - PEOPLE                  Michael Weinstein   P8506



Roared a mathematician named Bessel,                        
"Stella Parallax simply won't nestle.                       
Though it rouses a stir,                                    
I confess it's with her                                     
That I go in my study and wrestle."                         
                                                            
39852 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



A mathematician, Pascal,                                    
Once said, "I'm in pain and I shall                         
Achieve anesthesia                                          
In a way that will please ya.                               
I'll lie here and think of a gal.                           
                                                            
39853 MATH - PEOPLE                  Isaac Asimov             



Pure logic (thought pioneer Boole),                         
If formalized, could be a tool.                             
When his wife lost her thimbles,                            
"Try thinking in symbols,"                                  
He said, and got pushed in a pool!                          
                                                            
39854 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



Thin-skinned supersensitive Cantor                          
Couldn't stand his work treated with banter.                
If you told him, "By God, it is                             
Just infinite oddities,"                                    
He fell down and perished instanter.                        
                                                            
39855 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



The mathematician Christtoffel                              
Would never touch fry-up of offal.                          
He would dine once a week                                   
On a prune of a leek,                                       
Or honey, spread thin on a waffle.                          
                                                            
39856 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



That smarty-pants Monsieur Pascal                           
Blew the Jusuits' whole rationale,                          
By quoting their bits.                                      
He showed them nit-wits,                                    
Thus giving them fits of grand mal.                         
                                                            
39857 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The mathematician Descartes                                 
Gave Geometry quite a new start.                            
Using x's and y's                                           
Formed a horrid surprise                                    
To his wife when constructing a tart.                       
                                                            
39858 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



A student I had was lamed Lara;                             
Another, improbably Ciara.                                  
One studied quite hard                                      
And one was a card.                                         
But each had a devilish aura.                               
                                                            
39859 MATH - PEOPLE                  M Hale                   



With no ZERO, the calendar hunt                             
Lost the VERY FIRST YEAR right up front.                    
And a monk so assiduous,                                    
Dionysius Exiguous,                                         
For his ROMAN MATH now takes the brunt.                     
                                                            
39860 MATH - PEOPLE                  Al Chaplin               



The wild man of Algebra, Euler,                             
Was a furious never-stop toiler;                            
Whe the maid came to dust,                                  
He would scream fit to bust,                                
Cram her into the copper and boiler.                        
                                                            
39861 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



When at school, I saw sin, cos, and tan;                    
I went yellow, turned tail and ran.                         
The sight of a fraction                                     
Drove me to distraction;                                    
To the floor I'd fall flat, pale and wan.                   
                                                            
39862 MATH - PEOPLE                  Johathan Munn            



But now I am strong as an ox;                               
I can pack up my cares in a box.                            
I'm no longer a cynic;                                      
I went heteroclinic                                         
When I found the Banach Paradox.                            
                                                            
39863 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jonathan Munn            



Small wonder the faronche Galois                            
Was so soon malheaveux, mort et frois.                      
Who could live, jowl by cheek,                              
With La Mathematique                                        
Et la Betise en menage a trois?                             
                                                            
39864 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



Galois died at age 24,                                      
In a duel fought over a whore.                              
Most people dismayed,                                       
Feel he should just have paid                               
Her damn bill 'stead of getting so sore.                    
                                                            
39865 MATH - PEOPLE                  Michael Weinstein   P8506



While proving his theorem was true,                         
Karl Gauss asked, "What's all this to-do?"                  
"Your wife, sir, is dying,"                                 
The servant said, crying.                                   
He replied, "Have her wait till I'm through."               
                                                            
39866 MATH - PEOPLE                  A. N. Wilkins       P8506



There was a smart fellow named Gauss                        
Whose wife threw him out of the house.                      
"Damn, you only do math,                                    
And will not take a bath,                                   
And I don't want to see you, you louse!"                    
                                                            
39867 MATH - PEOPLE                  P Chernoff               



That lively old genius Gauss                                
Was never a fellow to grouse;                               
When he finish some book,                                   
He would seize his fat cook                                 
And cavort to the music of Strauss.                         
                                                            
39868 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



Happy Birthday to Mr. George Boole!                         
Whose algebra still is a jewel.                             
His methods mathmatical                                     
For symbols grammatical,                                    
For computers has proved a key tool.                        
                                                            
39869 MATH - PEOPLE                  Tutta Gioia              



There once was a fellow named Godel,                        
Whose thoughts gave logicians a hurdle.                     
DRH with his flock           (Douglas Hofsteder)            
Of both Escher and Bach,                                    
Put the words in the mouth of a turtle.                     
                                                            
39870 MATH - PEOPLE                  Kaberi Chakrabarty       



There once was a book that explained                        
AI and math; entertained.                                   
Grant me asking its name,                                   
Everybody who's game,                                       
By hinting the rhymes self contained.                       
                                                            
39871 MATH - PEOPLE                  Tomoyuki Tanaka          



I once knew a student named Jeff,                           
Who majored in Math and C.S.  (Computer Science)            
His interest had wings,                                     
He learned many things.                                     
But for grades he couldn't care less.                       
                                                            
39872 MATH - PEOPLE                  M Hale                   



A "straight-A" math student named Linus                     
Got sick, which did clog up his sinus.                      
He did not do the best,                                     
When he sneezed on his test,                                
'Cause instead of a "+" wrote a "-".                        
                                                            
39873 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The mathematician Jacobi                                    
Was never called "long-headed Toby;"                        
Though his thoughts might be cryptic                        
And functions elliptic,                                     
His skull remained rounded and globy.                       
                                                            
39874 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



An anti-stong-drinker named Klein                           
Invented a bottle for wine.                                 
"There is no stopper," he cried,                            
"And it has no inside,                                      
So the grapes have to stay on the vine!"                    
                                                            
39875 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



There was a young man named Kurt,                           
Who oft wore an interesting shirt.                          
Upon it was writ                                            
In calligraphic script,                                     
"This sentence misspells one wurt."                         
                                                            
39876 MATH - PEOPLE                  Mike Geller              



The mathematician Lagrange                                  
Of a jelly observed, "Plus ca change,                       
Plus c'est la meme chose,"                                  
Adding, "and I suppose,                                     
Much the same may be said of blancmange."                   
                                                            
39877 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



The mathematician Laplace                                   
Aspired to be top of his class.                             
If his sums came out right                                  
He would smile through the night;                           
If not, he would murmur, "Helas!"                           
                                                            
39878 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



Root-a toot, toot-a-falutin'.                               
It's time for some substitutin'.                            
Take the stuff on display                                   
And collapse it away,                                       
Right along with Leibnitz and Newton.                       
                                                            
39879 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



The master of math, Leonhard Euler,                         
Fell into a steaming hot boiler.                            
But he didn't panic --                                      
It's hydrodynamic --                                        
The curl of div saved the great toiler.                     
                                                            
39880 MATH - PEOPLE                  P Chernoff               



This math lecture is Oh, so much fun!                       
I'm just dying to get the work done.                        
It looks near an end,                                       
So how can I send                                           
All these letters I've written someone?                     
                                                            
39881 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Lobatchewsky, who taught students Euclid,                   
Kept his books in a book-box with book-lid.                 
To rule lines he made use                                   
Of this lid, warped and loose,                              
So his parallels met, being crooklied.                      
                                                            
39882 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



In college as mathematician,                                
I made a life-changing decision.                            
Math virgins I'd tutor                                      
To make gals astuter,                                       
By helping with their long division.                        
                                                            
39883 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jon Gearhard             



They all were litt majors, quite mellow;                    
So poor that they can't afford Jello.                       
We worked out a trade --                                    
In lieu of cash paid,                                       
They'd help straighten out my Longfellow!                   
                                                            
39884 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jon Gearhard             



All lotteries are naught but a tax                          
That the sponsors exploit to the max.                       
With the size of the odds,                                  
They are committing frauds;                                 
You can't understand by their syntax.                       
                                                            
39885 MATH - PEOPLE                  Tom Patton               



The masses find great satisfaction                          
From the lotteries kind of action.                          
But each mathematician                                      
Who's of wealth and position,                               
Knows when he sees a cash extraction.                       
                                                            
39886 MATH - PEOPLE                  Tom Patton               



Games of chance should incur all the wrath                  
Of players who are taking a bath.                           
The lottery pools                                           
Are made for fools;                                         
Odds are bad and they call it new math.                     
                                                            
39887 MATH - PEOPLE                  Tom Patton               



My small piggy bank made of pottery,                        
I robbed for a fling at the lottery.                        
Mathematical odds                                           
Are the lap of the Gods,                                    
So now my finances are tottery.                             
                                                            
39888 MATH - PEOPLE                  John E Maywood           



Frankly chuckled a bankrupt named Munn,                     
"Flunking econ and math was such fun;                       
I'm wiped out selling pottery                               
But I'll cream the State Lottery ---                        
Why the odds are a billion to one!"                         
                                                            
39889 MATH - PEOPLE                  Armand E Singer          



It is my disposition to hate                                
Confiscations imposed by the state.                         
Not the state lottery!                                      
They pay voluntarily -                                      
All those dorks who failed math in grade eight.             
                                                            
39890 MATH - PEOPLE                  William N Nesbit         



Once a brilliant fellow named Nash,                         
Proved a theorem on games in a flash:                       
Equilibrium play                                            
Must exist, he did say,                                     
If not strategies pure, then a hash!                        
                                                            
39891 MATH - PEOPLE                  Prof M-G                 



When they said "Hold the baby" to Newton,                   
He took it and crooned "What a cute 'un!"                   
But after fierce ructions                                   
And fore-and-aft fluxions,                                  
He stamped off to put a clean suit on.                      
                                                            
39892 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



Only by custom do we refuse                                 
To use another writer's rhyme clues.                        
To do so may be                                             
The height of lazy                                          
Or Nicholai Lobachevsky's muse.                             
                                                            
39893 MATH - PEOPLE                  Daniel Ford              



Dear Arthur, I know you are wishin'                         
That instead of going out fishin',                          
I'd strive to be able                                       
To decode my label,                                         
But shucks, I'm no mathematician.                           
                                                            
39894 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A mathematician named Scott                                 
Thinks himself quite a genius (he's not).                   
To others it's plain                                        
That his miniscule brain                                    
Is just filled with wind, piss and snot.                    
                                                            
39895 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



A teasing young temptress named Laura                       
Tried to make an old math prof adore her.                   
But that wily prof knew                                     
He'd no chance for a screw,                                 
'Cause he knew he'd not thrill, only bore her.              
                                                            
39896 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



You know mathematicians can't spell;                        
They also can't speak, write or tell.                       
Yet, to add to their life,                                  
Without trouble or strife,                                  
Pedantricity is a word they use well!                       
                                                            
39897 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



An insufferable writer named Wise                           
Was finally cut down to size.                               
When his peers had enough                                   
And were sick of his guff,                                  
They gave him the Phew-litzer prize.                        
                                                            
39898 MATH - PEOPLE                  Phoebe Weiss             



The pretty professor from Jersey                            
Just stood there and pleaded for mercy.                     
She said, "In complex                                       
v-y equals u-x --                                           
Or maybe it is vice-versy."                                 
                                                            
39899 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



The pretty professor's a rarity;                            
Her lectures are the height of clarity.                     
Except that for when                                        
She does minus-1 to the n,                                  
It turns out to be the wrong parity.                        
                                                            
39900 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



The pretty professor, our rarity                            
Was engulfed in hyper-hilarity,                             
'Cause again she had spun                                   
A spare minus one.                                          
She said, "Well, we can give it to charity."                
                                                            
39901 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



"Math profs," said the Master of Trinity,                   
"As they never lose their affinity                          
For angles and pi,                                          
Do not ever die.                                            
They simply go on to infinity."                             
                                                            
39902 MATH - PEOPLE                  A. N. Wilkins       P8506



Pleaded frail old geometer Ptolemy                          
To a hulking great student, "Don't collar me!               
I could make it more clear                                  
If your face weren't so near.                               
Move away from me; sit if you'd follow me!"                 
                                                            
39903 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



To his students appealed old Pythagoras,                    
"Let us not provoke soldiering swaggerers;                  
Let us seem, when we're near 'em,                           
Like the squares in my theorem,                             
Not act 'with it' for fear they may dagger us."             
                                                            
39904 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



Pythagoras, rarely obtuse,                                  
Was arrested for brainchild abuse,                          
Claiming: 'Squares on these mothers,                        
Like cool, man, just covers                                 
The one on the hypotenuse."                                 
                                                            
39905 MATH - PEOPLE                  Cybergeezer              



Now that I  understand them,                                
I treat maths proofs with abandon.                          
I soon find the proof,                                      
And then raise the roof,                                    
Shouting "Yes. Quod est demonstrandum."                     
                                                            
39906 MATH - PEOPLE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The research team Cauchy and Goursat,                       
Was bustin' its brain and its torso.                        
They went huffin' and puffin',                              
But came up with nuffin'.                                   
Now they're living on noodles and oozo.                     
                                                            
39907 MATH - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



The cunning geometer Riemann                                
Was in higher dimensions a key-man.                         
If your many-D world                                        
Got all twisted and curled,                                 
He would straighten it out--for a fee, man!                 
                                                            
39908 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



A mathematician named Loring                                
Devised an equation for scoring:                            
'Twas the square of the twat                                
Times the fallout of snot                                   
Plus one if she's guilty of whoring.                        
(And claimed his research wasn't boring.)                   
39909 MATH - PEOPLE                  Armand E Singer       717



Graduate school is a bore,                                  
Unless your TA is a whore,                                  
Who screams when she comes                                  
While doing Math sums,                                      
Saying, "Give it to me HARDER and MORE!"                    
                                                            
39910 MATH - PEOPLE                                           



A verb I can now conjugate,                                 
But numbers I can't calculate.                              
In math I'm impaired;                                       
Of digits I'm scared,                                       
Like ten other folks out of eight.                          
                                                            
39911 MATH - PEOPLE                  Bob Birch           P0311



The skill to do math on a page                              
Has declined to the point of outrage.                       
Equations quadratica                                        
Are solved on Mathematica,                                  
And on birthdays we don't know our age.                     
                                                            
39912 MATH - PEOPLE                  David Morin et al        



A thinker whose visions are cheery                          
Said waiting for new thoughts is dreary.                    
Many monkeys he sees                                        
Pounding typewriter keys                                    
Who in time will produce a great theory.                    
                                                            
39913 MATH - PEOPLE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2493



There was a math student named Heather                      
Who wore shorts in all kinds of weather.                    
She'd wrestle the proofs                                    
To the mat with no goofs.                                   
The teachers couldn't do any better.                        
                                                            
39914 MATH - PEOPLE                  M Hale                   



Candace was one of my students;                             
Whose demeanor, in truth, wanted prudence.                  
When discussion ignited,                                    
She'd get real excited,                                     
Adding more than her lawful two cents.                      
                                                            
39915 MATH - PEOPLE                  M Hale                   



"Used the wash-bowl?"--I felt some compunction,             
Quitting guest Weierstrass at the Junction:                 
Out of action, our loo,                                     
And he suffered, I knew,                                    
From a doubly-repeating pee-function!                       
                                                            
39916 MATH - PEOPLE                  James Albert Lindon P9507



In my school was a teacher of math,                         
Who followed the same well-known path.                      
When it came to a test,                                     
The kids came off second best;                              
That teacher's best point was his wrath!                    
                                                            
39917 MATH - PEOPLE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A non-pythagorian casino,                                   
And in slouches failed gambler, Zeno.                       
At blackjack, 20's staight,                                 
Needed nine but rolled 8.                                   
And missed by 'that much' playing keno.                     
                                                            
39918 MATH - PEOPLE                                           



The ancients' enigma, old Zeno,                             
Adjourned to a gambling casino.                             
He successfully proved                                      
That the wheel never moved                                  
And won every roulette game in Reno.                        
                                                            
39919 MATH - PEOPLE                  Wendi Hoffenberg         



If a = b (so I say)                   [a = b]               
And we multiply both sides by a,                            
Then we'll see that a2                [a2 = ab]             
When with ab compared,                                      
Are the same. Remove b2, OK?          (a2-b2 = ab-b2]       
                                                            
39920 MATH - PUZZLES                 Peter Wilkins            



Both sides we will factorize.  See?                         
Now each side contains a - b.        [(a+b)(a-b) = b(a-b)]  
We'll divide through by a                                   
Minus b and ole!                                            
a + b = b.  Oh whoopee!              [a+b) = b]             
                                                            
39921 MATH - PUZZLES                 Peter Wilkins            



But since I said a = b,                                     
b = b + b: you'll agree?       [b+b = b]                    
So if b = 1,                                                
Then the sum I have done,      [1+1 = 1]                    
Proves 2 = 1, Q.E.D.                                        
                                                            
39922 MATH - PUZZLES                 Peter Wilkins            



Once a bright young lady named Lillian,                     
Summed the numbers from one to a billion.                   
But it gave her the fidgets,                                
To add up the digits.                                       
If you can help her, she'll thank you a million.            
                                                            
39923 MATH - PUZZLES                 Enigma LA Times     P8806



If you are as bright as this Lillian,                       
Sum the numbers from one to a billion,                      
And to show you're a whiz,                                  
At this kind of biz,                                        
Sum the digits in numbers one to a billion.                 
                                                            
39924 MATH - PUZZLES                 Enigma LA Times     P8806



Kindly old Grandfather Lunn                                 
Is twice as old as his son.                                 
Twenty-five years ago                                       
Their age ratio,                                            
Strange enough, was three to one.                           
                                                            
39925 MATH - PUZZLES                 Pilar                    



"My age!" answered Barbara Blatt,                           
"Just keep it under your hat.                               
Adding one to each figure,                                  
Makes it nineteen years bigger                              
Than half what it is.  So what's that?"                     
                                                            
39926 MATH - PUZZLES                 Seattle P-I         P8802



4 dozen, 3 gross, and a score                               
Plus 6 times the square root of four                        
Plus 5 times eleven                                         
Divided by seven                                            
Is 9 squared and not a bit more.                            
                                                            
39927 MATH - PUZZLES                 Armand Singer            



I may be a fraction improp'                                 
Prime sum of my bottom and top,                             
But as decimal you see                                      
(Between 2 and 3)                                           
My one digit never will stop!                               
                                                            
39928 MATH - PUZZLES                 John Gregory        P9702



Integral z-squared dz,                                      
From 1 to the square root of 3,                             
Times the cosine                                            
Of 3 pi over 9,                                             
Equals log of the cube root of e.                           
                                                            
39929 MATH - PUZZLES                                          



Missionaries and cannibals came                             
To the river of puzzle math fame.                           
But with cannibal Mensans                                   
Missionaries all densans...,                                
Need we post the line score of this game?                   
                                                            
39930 MATH - PUZZLES                 David Finely        P9701



Well, an 'e' to an 'i' times a 'pi'                         
When increased by '1' may seem fie!                         
If one were to go poking                                    
On calculator smoking,                                      
'Twould produce just an '0', how wry!                       
                                                            
39931 MATH - PUZZLES                                          



A multiple of eleven I be;                                  
Not odd, but even, you see.                                 
My digits (a pair),                                         
When multiplied there,                                      
Maka cube and a square out of me.                           
                                                            
39932 MATH - PUZZLES                 John Gregory        P9702



I used to think math was no fun,                            
'Cause I couldn't see how it was done.                      
Now Euler's my hero,                                        
For I now see why zero                                      
   i(pi)                                                    
= e      + 1.                                               
39933 MATH - PUZZLES                                          



There's a prime who's my twin, not my cousin;               
Our digits add up to a dozen;                               
I'm six less than a square,                                 
A tens digit we share.                                      
Find us and your brains will be buzzin'.                    
                                                            
39934 MATH - PUZZLES                 John Gregory        P9702



The sum of my digits is 10,                                 
Their difference: a square, I contend.                      
Just one more clue:                                         
I'm prime and small too,                                    
Being less than 60, my friend.                              
                                                            
39935 MATH - PUZZLES                 Limerick Puzzles    P8509



There's less energy in flaming Sterno,                      
But one blistering fact which I do know,                    
And on which I insist,                                      
Heat exudes from each twist,                                
Of that Rubik's Cube dreamed up by Erno.                    
                                                            
39936 MATH - PUZZLES                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



The puzzle of old Dr Rubik,                                 
Or counting one's follicles, pubic,                         
Are problems less hard,                                     
Than mailing your card,                                     
With pictures of creatures cherubic.                        
                                                            
39937 MATH - PUZZLES                                          



A young number from Boston, a square,                       
Had digits exactly a pair;                                  
The square right before                                     
Was no less and no more                                     
Than 17 numbers from there.                                 
                                                            
39938 MATH - PUZZLES                 John Gregory        P9709



A six-letter word I begin,                                  
And I'm helping my team get a win;                          
At five I'm a tie,                                          
Four, haggis I buy,                                         
And at three, I'm a bed kind of thin.                       
                                                            
39939 MATH - PUZZLES                 Cyberwizard              



I think, sir, that I've got your riddle;                    
I think there's a 'scot' in the middle.                     
Raised his ascot up                                         
Covering haggis sup,                                        
Then use his ma'scot for a diddle.                          
                                                            
39940 MATH - PUZZLES                 Cyberwizard              



The square root of (x-y),                                   
(Two integers, not very high,)                              
Divided by c                                                
Gives a quotient of 3,                                      
And also, no word of a lie...                               
                                                            
39941 MATH - PUZZLES                 Tiddy Ogg                



As c equals x squared plus 4,                               
And y = c squared, no more                                  
Is needed for you;                                          
In a minute or two,                                         
To figure out just what's the score.                        
                                                            
39942 MATH - PUZZLES                 Tiddy Ogg                



I think that I'm finally done                               
And here is the answer I've spun:                           
Your system works when                                      
X = 10,                                                     
And y = c = 1                                               
                                                            
39943 MATH - PUZZLES                 Dr Limerick  07-17-02    



I thunk and I thought and I pondered                        
'Til into depression I wandered.                            
To spare further stress,                                    
I think I'll just guess,                                    
'Cause on this, too much time I've squandered.              
                                                            
39944 MATH - PUZZLES                                          



I don't think that it's a persimmon,                        
Or anything concerning women...                             
The clues seem to fit                                       
So I'll say that it                                         
Appears you've created a LEMON!                             
                                                            
39945 MATH - PUZZLES                                          



I'm a two-digit prime and no more.                          
My digits subracted is 4;                                   
Their sum is not ten.                                       
I say to you then,                                          
To find me is not a big chore.                              
                                                            
39946 MATH - PUZZLES                 John Gregory        P9709



If (1+x) real close to 1,                                   
Is raised to the power of 1                                 
Over x, you will find                                       
Here's the value defined,                                   
2.718281...                                                 
                                                            
39947 MATH - PUZZLES                                          



There once was a cube 'twas found                           
Whose two digits, when switched clear around,               
Was the product (quite fair)                                
Of a cube and a square,                                     
And its name will most surely astound.                      
                                                            
39948 MATH - PUZZLES                 John Gregory        P9702



Tell the Riemann Hypothesis crew                            
That zeta alone will not do.                                
Precise applications                                        
To nice situations,                                         
Require it for "blank"-functions too.                       
                                                            
39949 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The functions considered by Burnol,                         
Their support on the line is internal,                      
And the mapping that shows                                  
Taylor series at rho's                                      
Is eigen with suitable kernel.                              
                                                            
39950 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The construction that Burnol prepared                       
Has the wave-functions boldly declared,                     
Contractions amassed;                                       
Span the log?  Not so fast,                                 
When you count multiplicity squared.                        
                                                            
39951 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Mathematicians one year went to ground                      
To elucidate Chebyshev's bound.                             
His tale of endeavor                                        
Was told to us never;                                       
Apparently nothing was found.                               
                                                            
39952 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Ram Murty discussed sub-convexity,                          
Not just something where it expects to be.                  
A structure's required                                      
To get what's desired,                                      
And the proofs have a certain complexity.                   
                                                            
39953 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



With factors from every locality,                           
Mixed up like a Florida ballot, he                          
Discovers it bearing                                        
Symplectical pairing,                                       
Thus questioning Connes's reality.                          
                                                            
39954 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The link with the model of Ising                            
Is one of those things that is teasing.                     
Distribution that's joint                                   
Is a critical point;                                        
Is it vapor, subliming, or freezing?                        
                                                            
39955 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The new man for current Director                            
Followed Old Man Polya in his lecture.                      
A lattice with links                                        
Lead, so zeta, he thinks.                                   
And he knew how to work the projector.                      
                                                            
39956 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Say physicists, whom we should venerate,                    
In eleven dimensions, at any rate,                          
With rusting away,                                          
The beautiful decay,                                        
With symmetries going degenerate.                           
                                                            
39957 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Is the Riemann Hypothesis deep?                             
It made Hardy and Littlewood weep.                          
Or is there a trick                                         
To get answer so quick,                                     
That Deitmar could see in his sleep?                        
                                                            
39958 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



When Deitmar was occupied solely                            
With compactified spec and its wholly,                      
He woke up in the night                                     
Know all was alright;                                       
He dreamt Germany picked him as goalie.                     
                                                            
39959 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Hyperbolical flow is essential                              
To get zeta as det(differential).                           
When Deitmar in slumbers,                                   
Saw spec of whole numbers,                                  
He awoke and reduced to tangential.                         
                                                            
39960 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Said Deninger, mathematician,                               
"It's traverse in Lie or position.                          
Suspicion won't do.                                         
This clearly is true.                                       
Even if you don't know definition!"                         
                                                            
39961 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



What problems remain at the end?                            
Success in detecting a trend?                               
The list that we found                                      
Presented by sound,                                         
Consists of the usual blend.                                
                                                            
39962 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



For Lie group analysis, there's                             
A concept that's nice: dual pairs.                          
With this information                                       
A representation                                            
Gives characters up and down stairs.                        
                                                            
39963 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



No continuous families?  There's                            
The construction of Schoof-VanDerGeer's.                    
Should the zeroes be fixed?                                 
The parameter mixed                                         
Them, exchanging positions in pairs.                        
                                                            
39964 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Four zeroes bad -- what information?                        
Is it curtains for pair correlation?                        
A factor to fiddle                                          
Can go in the middle,                                       
So the riddle was not devastation.                          
                                                            
39965 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The new thing Fesenko can try:                              
To complete the point x at point y.                         
He completes y at x                                         
With the self-same effects,                                 
Getting fibre relations thereby.                            
                                                            
39966 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Under gravity, gas in a ball;                               
Do the free oscillations stay small?                        
The stable condition                                        
First order Hermitian,                                      
Riemann discovered it all.                                  
                                                            
39967 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The series that Goldfield has shown                         
Continue to critical zone                                   
Give moments to zeta,                                       
But no record beater;                                       
They're cases where moments are known.                      
                                                            
39968 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



What made Grothendieck terribly good                        
Was, he can't see the tree for the wood.                    
He aimed to surpass                                         
Andrew Weil and his class,                                  
And he beat whomsoever he could.                            
                                                            
39969 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The viewpoint in days such as these                         
Is to not see the wood for the trees,                       
As the dog in its habit                                     
Cannot see the rabbit,                                      
Nor its infinitesimal fleas.                                
                                                            
39970 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Lin Weng's new construction immense:                        
Definitions were left in suspense,                          
With micro-locality.                                        
Top group duality,                                          
"Whenever the counting makes sense."                        
                                                            
39971 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The construction Lin Weng carries through                   
Has a product of sorts in rank two.                         
Should you call it a zeta,                                  
Related to theta,                                           
For Q in rank two, it's still new.                          
                                                            
39972 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



There were slides in the land of the Lord,                  
There's a book that we cannot afford.                       
Now the insights of Haran                                   
No longer seem barren;                                      
It's much better sense up on the board.                     
                                                            
39973 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Can Selberg's five-axiom class                              
Beyond automorphic ones, pass?                              
And how many twists                                         
Before there exists                                         
A holomorphic or Maass.                                     
                                                            
39974 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



With some interruptions and fuss,                           
Iwaniec presented to us                                     
A conditional bound                                         
For the class number found,                                 
But technically hard to discuss.                            
                                                            
39975 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Iwaniec's new program guides                                
Where the Siegel exceptional hides;                         
A sort of Big Brother;                                      
One angle or other,                                         
We watch it from so many sides.                             
                                                            
39976 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Transparencies made late at night                           
Should be read in a different light.                        
Please look at my slide                                     
As a garrulous guide,                                       
Which is not necessarily right.                             
                                                            
39977 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Getting L-functions greater than nought                     
Requires special values be caught                           
As factors upstairs                                         
With symetrical squares,                                    
Whose continuance has to be fought.                         
                                                            
39978 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Still Huxley is puzzling through;                           
A method that's now not so new.                             
Large zetas are seen                                        
Through the fourth or fifth mean,                           
And fourth powers bring SL two.                             
                                                            
39979 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



A method that makes moments sweeter,                        
Continuing multiple zeta.                                   
A student called Meera                                      
Has got a lot nearer;                                       
Non-classical cases defeat her.                             
                                                            
39980 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



"Polynomials don't do a lot",                               
Was the theme of Montgomery's slot.                         
Best constants conjectured                                  
Are those that you lectured?                                
I think so.  The Borweins think not.                        
                                                            
39981 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The formalized Hilbert was blessed                          
By Cantor, the infinitist.                                  
Must Julia dim it?                                          
"The classical limit,                                       
Like Paradise, doesn't exist!"                              
                                                            
39982 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The Shairelman-Zelditch affair                              
Smooths out all the Maass functions square.                 
Giving evidence more                                        
For what Sarnak is sure:                                    
No scarring or humps anywhere.                              
                                                            
39983 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



De Branges' continued activity                              
Rearranges his proof.  Well he give it?  We                 
Are told by Li Xianjing,                                    
His story's unchanging,                                     
Though his range doesn't have positivity.                   
                                                            
39984 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The Eisenstein series of Maass,                             
Though the simplest of things in their class,               
Give the funky equation                                     
And new information;                                        
A threshold no zero can pass.                               
                                                            
39985 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Shouldn't lectures speeding, face fines?                    
For I have to take notes missing lines.                     
The results are terrif,                                     
But my secret hieroglyph:                                   
"Theorem: m not exceeding five nines."                      
                                                            
39986 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The Levinson method, says Gonek,                            
Who's frequently somewhat sardonic,                         
Counts zeros as if                                          
There's a one by log shift,                                 
But the progress is not monotonic.                          
                                                            
39987 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Needing no fancy index or specs,                            
Keating measures cross-product effects.                     
Though no proof has been shown,                             
It fits all data known,                                     
And it passes numerical checks.                             
                                                            
39988 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Persuading high powers to unwrap,                           
Takes a multiple sum, not a scrap.                          
Continue it far                                             
Past the poles where they are,                              
And the moment falls into your lap.                         
                                                            
39989 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Pelikaan gave the clue what to do                           
With an elegant function or two.                            
Counting weights in a code,                                 
And his mates that he showed,                               
It could generate a function too.                           
                                                            
39990 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



If Riemann had spoken his heart,                            
We would have Polya's clue from the start.                  
His manuscript revels                                       
In energy levels,                                           
Then zeta is taken apart.                                   
                                                            
39991 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The zero permitted by Siegel                                
Is setting itself up as regal.                              
It leads a procession                                       
Around it's possession.                                     
Can such a behavior be legal?                               
                                                            
39992 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The randomised matrices model                               
Looks like you hope some other bod'll                       
Compute all the means;                                      
Combination machines                                        
Make the integrals rather a doddle.                         
                                                            
39993 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



With tricks that complete Riemann's hint,                   
Mathematicians make zeros a sprint.                         
One programming quirk                                       
Keeps deleting his work;                                    
You have to do SAVE before PRINT.                           
                                                            
39994 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The positive values of Lapid                                
Make delivery terribly rapid.                               
When he scrolled on his laptop,                             
The wall image snapped up;                                  
Left me feeling a sea-sick and vapid.                       
                                                            
39995 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



For a new topological space,                                
Take division point lattice as base.                        
Make it 3D as well,                                         
Quotient down to a cell,                                    
And you're into the solenoid case.                          
                                                            
39996 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



A fractional functional space,                              
Is a step-function spanned by the base?                     
For n-widths they find                                      
Asymtotics refined,                                         
With a lower bound proved in its place.                     
                                                            
39997 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Stark noticed a propoerty strong:                           
Sum of cosines is negative long.                            
If this cannot be,                                          
Then improvement we see                                     
On the line where no zeros belong.                          
                                                            
39998 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



With the Riemann Hypothesis found,                          
We would have a nice quantity bound.                        
And quality fruits?                                         
Only primitive roots.                                       
Has a summit been reached or a mound?                       
                                                            
39999 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



An oracle there to appeal,                                  
But the field must be totally real.                         
So ternary quadrics                                         
No longer play odd tricks                                   
As Sarnak and friends can reveal.                           
                                                            
40000 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The Riemann and Roch-ing connection                         
Appears on a closer inspection                              
Of the thesis of Tate,                                      
Not as something to state.                                  
It is only the head of a section.                           
                                                            
40001 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Rank two with a level inflation,                            
It starts with an amplification.                            
First trick to take place                                   
Is the Peterson trace                                       
Followed by "Voroino summation."                            
                                                            
40002 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



If Weil had not lost in the Crash,                          
And retreated to math to earn cash,                         
He would rise to high rank                                  
As the head of a bank                                       
And perhaps win the Prize, and not Nash.                    
                                                            
40003 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Paul Cohen, continuum hero,                                 
Enquired of Piatecki-Shapiro,                               
"What functions will do                                     
On angles mod star Q.                                       
Don't touch it.  You want to find zero?"                    
                                                            
40004 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The method that Katz wants to give                          
Renders all that's symplectical triv'.                      
And integer values                                          
At the powers we shall use,                                 
Makes it clear where the poles have to live.                
                                                            
40005 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The ideas that Newman now floats                            
Are released from his twelve-year-old notes.                
Probabilities dense                                         
Should give zeta, and thence                                
Lee and Yang harvest Riemann's wild oats.                   
                                                            
40006 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The transform of xi is a density                            
With twice exponential intensity.                           
The resemblance is teasing                                  
To the model of Ising,                                      
With its definite line-up propensity.                       
                                                            
40007 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Brian Conrey has interesting news                           
With Keating and Snaith and Chris Hughes.                   
The moments foreseen                                        
Are confirmed by machine;                                   
What is seen at the Number of Skewes.                       
                                                            
40008 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Take zeta one half plus T;                                  
Is its modulus greater than V?                              
Can the size of the set                                     
Be predictable, yet                                         
You get root T in accuracy?                                 
                                                            
40009 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



The values of zeta we see                                   
Are an island of stability.                                 
To topple our towers                                        
Of forecasts for powers,                                    
A storm of size root log log t.                             
                                                            
40010 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



Does Haar measure structures allow                          
Taking means on a group?  They do now.                      
And even beginners                                          
Can oscillate spinners,                                     
As Zirnbauer will show you Howe.                            
                                                            
40011 MATH - RIEMANN                 Martin Huxley            



I was told by a mathematician,                              
That the odds against having coition,                       
With Betty Jo Donne,                                        
Are a hundred to one.                                       
So they are--till you ask her permission.                   
                                                            
40012 MATH - STATISTICS              John Ciardi              



"Statistics," observed Dr. Pound,                           
"Are a poor substitute all around                           
For the truth, Heaven knows,                                
But, as scholars disclose,                                  
They're the best one which science has found."              
                                                            
40013 MATH - STATISTICS              A. N. Wilkins       P8311



A man can have great health because                         
He eats pizza with tomato sauce.                            
But Karen says, "NO!"                                       
She undoubtedly knows:                                      
To correlate is not to cause.                               
                                                            
40014 MATH - STATISTICS              Anon                     



Once upon a midnight dreary                                 
As I pondered weak and weary                                
Over realistic                                              
Limericks on STATISTICS,                                    
Men in white were standing near me.                         
                                                            
40015 MATH - STATISTICS              Irving Superior     P9306



Oh how well will I remember                                 
When they told me in December                               
I would be released                                         
Provided I had ceased                                       
As a loyal LIM SIG member.                                  
(LIM SIG - limerick special interest group)                 
40016 MATH - STATISTICS              Irving Superior     P9306



The kinky young hooker, Sue Lanyard,                        
Had a clientele to whom she pandered.                       
As she brought to fruition                                  
An odd statistician,                                        
She quipped, "This deviation is standard?"                  
                                                            
40017 MATH - STATISTICS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0007



A young statistician who pandered                           
To fashion in math was quite slandered;                     
He muttered, "My God,                                       
Some vices are odd--                                        
But this deviation is standard."                            
                                                            
40018 MATH - STATISTICS              Norm Storer         P9307



At St. Andrews, a quota-based sample                        
Of students gives confidence ample                          
That the men are such terrors,                              
That their probable errors                                  
Provide an improper example.                                
                                                            
40019 MATH - STATISTICS              Harold C. Bibby          



There once was a student named Matt,                        
Who was pretty good swinging a bat.                         
But math caught his fancy                                   
(Or was it just Nancy?)                                     
And now he's an expert in Stat.                             
                                                            
40020 MATH - STATISTICS              M Hale                   



Why consider two sexes essential?                           
There is multi-sexual potential                             
For tri-sexuals and gays                                    
To do it six ways;                                          
After pentas, it goes exponential!                          
                                                            
40021 MATH - STATISTICS              John Miller              



A statistical hangup in Alice's.                            
She measures the size of all phalluses.                     
She records the position                                    
And length of coition,                                      
And performs a log-linear analysis.                         
                                                            
40022 MATH - STATISTICS              Pedro J. Saavedra   P8208



"In spring," said the strict statistician,                  
"I live by this stern supposition:                          
The chances of love                                         
Are a straight function of                                  
The number of times of coition."                            
                                                            
40023 MATH - STATISTICS              Mad Zeno                 



When Max and Min together come,                             
Max wants from Min the maximum.                             
Though Min has heard                                        
That "Mum's the word,"                                      
But is it Max or minimum?                                   
                                                            
40024 MATH - STATISTICS              Irving Superior     P8911



An adroit frequent flyer named Hicks                        
Versed in abstract statistical tricks,                      
Carried not one but two                                     
Faulty parts when he flew,                                  
So the odds would become one in six.                        
                                                            
40025 MATH - STATISTICS              William N. Nesbit   P9612



My dear, I don't like variation                             
From normal and straight copulation;                        
But if you must swerve                                      
On the Gaussian curve,                                      
The standard is one deviation.                              
                                                            
40026 MATH - STATISTICS              Ed Potts            P8506



A psychologist near Trois Pistoles,                         
When he studied the feminine role,                          
From statistics and charts,                                 
Clearly proved that the parts                               
Added up to much less than the hole.                        
                                                            
40027 MATH - STATISTICS              Hugh Oliver           42a



Is Nature so fickle, my friend,                             
And indefinite future to portend?                           
"Well I say it is so                                        
'Cause experiments show                                     
Probability reigns in the end."                             
                                                            
40028 MATH - STATISTICS              William Rolnick          



Said a cute statistician of Bismark,                        
"Will I note the admission of his mark                      
To my delicate clit                                         
As a definite hit,                                          
Or just fill out my form with a quiz mark."                 
                                                            
40029 MATH - STATISTICS              Keith MacMillan     A091A



When trying to find the best line,                          
There's no need to moan or to whine.                        
Just follow Pete's path                                     
And you'll know what to ask.                                
For regression, this lesson's just fine.                    
(Peter Salamon)                                             
40030 MATH - STATISTICS              Literary Group           



While, as for the women, their modes,                       
As judged by some strange episodes,                         
Of avoiding repression                                      
By means of regression,                                     
Are such that their Warden explodes.                        
                                                            
40031 MATH - STATISTICS              Harold C. Bibby          



There once was a fellow from Seoul,                         
Who bet Satan he knew how dice roll.                        
"I know that I'll win                                       
If I just can stay in."                                     
But he wound up too far in the hole.                        
(C J Park)                                                  
40032 MATH - STATISTICS              Literary Group           



There was a new teacher, McTavage,                          
Whose student's IQ's were near savage.                      
He got up the nerve                                         
To grade on the curve,                                      
So their scores were all above average.                     
                                                            
40033 MATH - STATISTICS              Gale Richard Walker      



An impotent, fearless flyer named Crain,                    
Has an idea that's really insane.                           
He takes the stance                                         
That there's little chance                                  
Of two defective parts on one plane.                        
                                                            
40034 MATH - STATISTICS              Tom Patton          P9612



A leprous old bastard named Brice,                          
Had balls that were spotted like dice.                      
They were worthless as could be,                            
In the way that balls should be,                            
But a wonderful gambling device.                            
                                                            
40035 MATH - STATISTICS              G0272                    



A nonparametric young guy                                   
Once squeezed a significant thigh;                          
"This wasn't expected,"                                     
The lady objected--                                         
"I'd thought you were squarer than chi."                    
                                                            
40036 MATH - STATISTICS              Norm Storer         P9307



Said the mythical King of Algiers                           
To his harem assembled, "My Dears,                          
This may sound off of me.                                   
I've given up sodomy,                                       
You Pf's measured in years."                                
(Pf - could be mean time between fucks)                     
40037 MATH - STATISTICS              Martin Wellborn     P9305



Sighed the masochist, "I must come clean:                   
For the median, I'm not so keen';                           
And I won't have the mode                                   
Even near my abode--                                        
But I'm really turned on by the mean."                      
                                                            
40038 MATH - STATISTICS              Norm Storer         P9307



An insurance man flies through the air,                     
Taking TWA on a dare.                                       
The odds are just right                                     
For a very safe flight,                                     
Packing a broken part and a prayer.                         
                                                            
40039 MATH - STATISTICS              Tom Patton          P9701



The logic prof made me turn pale                            
As he asked, "What does your Venn entail?"                  
I said, "Ones, 'Purity',                                    
'Body's two, 'Flavor's three....                            
I was thinking of Ballantyne Ale..."                        
                                                            
40040 MATH - STATISTICS              Robin K Willoughby  P8506



There once was a stat man named Bayes,                      
Who mooned in peculiar ways.                                
He'd show all his prior                                     
To any admirer;                                             
But to see his posterior, you pays.                         
                                                            
40041 MATH - STATISTICS              Anon                     



Inverting his latest dispersions,                           
A mathematician pondered aspersions:                        
"I'd give up my fame                                        
If I just had a dame,                                       
Who'd contort in all ten perversions.                       
                                                            
40042 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Jim Weaver Collection    



A randy topologist, Boris,                                  
Seduced a young maiden named Doris.                         
He increased her genus                                      
By thrusting his penis --                                   
Her maidenhead plane's now a torus.                         
                                                            
40043 MATH - TOPOLOGY                H WHELCHEL               



Flappity, floppity, flip.                                   
The mouse on a moebius strip;                            ;  
The strip revolved;                                         
The mouse dissolved,                                        
In a chrono-dimensional skip.                               
                                                            
40044 MATH - TOPOLOGY                                         



A conjecture both deep and profound                         
Is whether the circle is round;                             
In a paper by Erdos,                                        
Written in Kurdish,                                         
A counter example is found.                                 
                                                            
40045 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Anon                     



A conformal mapper named Dave                               
Keeps maps and domains in his cave,                         
And so their interiors                                      
And limit superiors                                         
Stay fresh and are nicely behaved.                          
                                                            
40046 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Literary Group           



I've been told that topologists go nuts;                    
Dr. Moebius answered me, "Oh, nuts!                         
Just because I can't see                                    
What the difference could be                                
'Tween these coffeecups here, and these doughnuts."         
                                                            
40047 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Robin K. Willoughby P8506



In finite dimensional space,                                
A curve on a sphere we will trace,                          
That's compact and smooth,                                  
And we try to prove                                         
It can shrink into any one place.                           
                                                            
40048 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Travis Maron             



When called on to color a graph,                            
Johnny E. always has the last laugh.                        
It never takes more                                         
Than two, three, or four.                                   
He says which, then it's done by his staff.                 
(John Elwin)                                                
40049 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Literary Group           



I'm fearful my minds out of whack,                          
Trying to dict, dact, frictal and frack;                    
Coming unglued,                                             
my brains been askewed,                                     
By the dictals, dactyls, fractals and crack!                
                                                            
40050 MATH - TOPOLOGY                                         



There was a young man of St. Paul                           
Whose phallus was strangest of all.                         
Like the cock of an ape                                     
But a helical shape,                                        
And was topped by a cubical ball.                           
                                                            
40051 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Albin Chaplin   3024-0594



A mathematician named Klein,                                
Thought the Moebius band was divine.                        
Said he, "If you glue                                       
The edges of two,                                           
You'll get a weird bottle like mine."                       
                                                            
40052 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Rj collection       P9602



A contortionist let her act slip,                           
'Til her agent said, "Look, get a grip!                     
If you find the Klein bottle                                
Too hard, well then, what'll                                
You charge for a Mobius Strip?                              
                                                            
40053 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Tillmanator              



Dr. Klein, the topologist, thought "I'll                    
Devise me a quizzical bottle!"                              
At its demo, a friend                                       
Asked him, "Where does it end?                              
Klein, I fear that your bottle's sheer twaddle!"            
                                                            
40054 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Robin K. Willoughby P8506



Yes, he screwed her, but under great tension:               
'Twas done with severe apprehension.                        
She possessed (to be blunt)                                 
A true Klein-bottle cunt--                                  
Now his prick's in another dimension.                       
                                                            
40055 MATH - TOPOLOGY                                    G2647



Said map-makers, hiding their gratitude                     
For a novice's radical attitude:                            
"Let's humor Mercator,                                      
Who wants the lines straighter,                             
And give our apprentice some latitude."                     
                                                            
40056 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Cybergeezer              



As a callow youth he was no satyr,                          
But one matron who knew him said later,                     
"You will put, my dear chap,                                
Your profile on the map                                     
As you use that projection, Mercator."                      
                                                            
40057 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9604



When M's a complete metric space,                           
And non-empty we know is the case,                          
That if f's a contraction,                                  
Then under its action,                                      
There's always a point stays in place!                      
                                                            
40058 MATH - TOPOLOGY                D Sequeira               



Max Clime was a lover so slick,                             
He'd Mobius curve his dick;                                 
His girl friend would cry,                                  
Oh me, oh, oh, my --                                        
You've set me aflame double quick.                          
                                                            
40059 MATH - TOPOLOGY                                         



Those male dancers so slim of hips,                         
(The name Chippendale's on her lips)                        
Leave women dreamless                                       
With moves so seamless,                                     
They are called the mobius strips.                          
                                                            
40060 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Daniel Ford              



A mathematician confided,                                   
That a Moebius strip is one-sided.                          
You'll get quite a laugh                                    
If you cut one in half,                                     
For it stays in one piece when divided.                     
                                                            
40061 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Rj collection       P9602



A burlesque dancer, a pip,                                  
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;                        
But she read science fiction                                
And died of constriction                                    
Attempting a Moebius strip.                                 
                                                            
40062 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Cyril Kornbluth          



A topologist's mind came unguided                           
When his theorems, his colleages derided.                   
Out of Mobius strips,                                       
Paper dolls he now snips,                                   
Non-Euclidean, closed, and one-sided.                       
                                                            
40063 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Peter Wiggen             



The Moebius family did trip,                                
And live life at a terrible clip.                           
Now please do not stare;                                    
Although they're quite bare,                                
It's known as a Moebius Strip.                              
                                                            
40064 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Archie                   



"The Nature of Space-time" was written                      
By those two brilliant guys from Great Britain.             
They discuss profound things,                               
But there's little on strings,                              
Which must certainly vex Edward Witten.                     
                                                            
40065 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Kay R Devicci            



In your figure 6, it is said,                               
Ten trinities, interlaced, bed --                           
Yet actually not!                                           
Only nine have a knot,                                      
And the tenth is unknotted instead!                         
(Charles Musgrave and Editor Mathematical Intelligencer)    
40066 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Charles Musgrave         



Is the trivial knot not a knot?                             
The authors were listing the lot                            
Of all ways three rings link;                               
They were quite right I think,                              
To say one way to link is to not.                           
                                                            
40067 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Editor Math Journal      



There once was a mathematician,                             
Who preferred an exotic position.                           
'Twas the joy of his life,    (In front of his house)       
To achieve with his wife      (He achieved with his spouse) 
Topologically complex coition!                              
                                                            
40068 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Patrick Tinkham     P9305



A topology gal sewed her slip                               
In the shape of a Moebius strip;                            
When attempting to don it,                                  
She found it'd gone!  It                                    
Had slipped 'twixt her cups and her hip.                    
                                                            
40069 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Robin K. Willoughby P8311



Now everyone knows what's a torus --                        
A pastry decorous but porous.                               
Just a sausage of dough                                     
Wrapped around a big O.                                     
Any further discussion will bore us.                        
                                                            
40070 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Albin Chaplin   3024-2818



The snatch of a lady named Doris                            
Was stretched as she sang in the chorus.                    
Along came a baker,                                         
A fine donut maker,                                         
And he fashioned her one like a torus.                      
                                                            
40071 MATH - TOPOLOGY                Albin Chaplin   3024-0437



Cartographer Ed was unflappable                             
When finding Deb's breeches unsnappable;                    
With crowbar he pried                                       
Them off and then cried,                                    
"Her cunt is so huge it's unmappable!"                      
                                                            
40072 MATH - TOPOLOGY                                         



A dentist named Doctor McGraw,                              
Got hard working on a girl's jaw.                           
He said, "Open wide,"                                       
Then shoved it inside,                                      
And all she could do was say 'Ahh!'                         
                                                            
40073 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



A dental team, Alfred and Joe --                            
Al six feet four, Joe four feet oh --                       
Combining their skills                                      
Joe chips, grinds and drills                                
The uppers while Al works below.                            
                                                            
40074 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Irving Superior     P8503



Our dentist was Lieutenant Fental                           
Whose talents were inci(type)dental.                        
For every wrong tooth                                       
He'd offer the truth,                                       
"My job here is acci(type)dental.                           
                                                            
40075 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Irving Superior     P8406



There was a young lady named Prentice                       
Who had an affair with a dentist.                           
To make the thing easier,                                   
He used anesthesia,                                         
And diddled her, 'non compes mentis'.                       
                                                            
40076 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                   L0081



A terrible toothache had Rackshun;                          
It drove him to fits of distraction.                        
A dentist named Lee                                         
Pulled it so painlessly,                                    
That he asked for another extraction.                       
                                                            
40077 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-2429



A girl who was born an Aquarius                             
Engaged in a custom nefarious.                              
She practiced fellation                                     
With highest elation,                                       
Till her teeth became yellow and carious.                   
                                                            
40078 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                   G2482



I am a young dentist from Berkeley                          
Whose patients are often quite quirky                       
One shit on my chair!                                       
Others smell like they're bears!                            
Another used my sink to pee!                                
                                                            
40079 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



My dentist's just pulled out that tooth;                    
The first one I've lost, that's the truth.                  
But oh, what a pleasure just                                
Eyeing that treasure-chest,                                 
Dental assistant sweet Ruth.                                
                                                            
40080 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Peter Wilkins            



A dentist by the name of Bill Greer                         
Said, "Calm down, you have nothing to fear."                
Then he pulled out the bill,                                
Instead of the drill,                                       
And his patient said, "I'm out of here."                    
                                                            
40081 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Barbara Cunningham  P9604



There was a young dentist who thrilled                      
To the sound of a tooth being filled;                       
He would practise, they said,                               
Every night in  his shed...                                 
With the old Black and Decker he's skilled.                 
                                                            
40082 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Peter Wilkins            



Said a stuttering dentist named Keith,                      
As he started to grope underneath                           
The brassiere of his day-                                   
time assistant Sue May,                                     
"You've got great t-t-t-t-t-t-teeth."                       
                                                            
40083 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Michael Weinstein   P9811



There was an old dentist named Frindem,                     
Who knew how to pull and to grind 'em.                      
His methods were new                                        
And his false teeth were true,                              
For he burned all his bridges behind him.                   
                                                            
40084 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-2581



There was a young dentist named Trevor,                     
Whose technique was terribly clever:                        
Since, out of depravity                                     
He filled the wrong cavity,                                 
He has more women patients than ever.                       
                                                            
40085 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Harold C. Bibby          



A dentist residing in Rhyll                                 
Was a demon when it came to the drill.                      
But instead of the mouth,                                   
He placed it down south,                                    
After knocking them out with a pill.                        
                                                            
40086 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Don Armadale             



A dentist named Archibald Moss                              
Fell in love with the dainty Miss Ross.                     
Since he held in abhorrence                                 
Her Christian name, Florence,                               
He renamed her his dear dental Floss.                       
                                                            
40087 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



He's my Dental Hygiene star prince.                         
He did brush and floss, spit and rinse.                     
But he spit on me                                           
Then charged me a fee!                                      
I'm glad I have not seen him since.                         
                                                            
40088 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



The dentist, with pride was so full,                        
His patients could not stand his bull.                      
Their confidence sank                                       
With each tooth he'd yank,                                  
But they had to admid he had 'pull'.                        
                                                            
40089 MEDICAL - DENTAL               G Watson                 



This dentist from England's quite willing                   
To drill any tooth for a shilling;                          
Whether needed or not,                                      
'Tis fixed on the spot.                                     
So he makes a good killing from filling.                    
                                                            
40090 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Karyn Robbins            



An exciting young dentist of Billings                       
Gets the girls by the depth of his drillings.               
When he says, "Open wide,"                                  
They are well satisfied                                     
(on the hole) with emergency fillings.                      
                                                            
40091 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Keith MacMillan     A073B



"Well now," said the dentist named Shutes,                  
"I'm ready, hang onto your boots."                          
With efforts protracted,                                    
The tooth was extracted,                                    
But his balls were torn out by the roots.                   
                                                            
40092 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-1820



The dentures produced by Doc Sloan                          
Were finer than heretofore known.                           
No man better could do,                                     
And he made them so true,                                   
That they hurt and decayed like our own.                    
                                                            
40093 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-2797



There was an old dentist named Jake                         
Who most perfect of false teeth did make.                   
And according to queries,                                   
They would even get caries,                                 
And he made them so good they would ache.                   
                                                            
40094 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-2629



It is said, with appropriate gravity,                       
Thomas Hood lived a life of depravity.                      
(Though he had just one ball,                               
And his cock was so small,                                  
It could just fill a small molar cavity.                    
                                                            
40095 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                   G2356



An oversexed woman was thrilled                             
To find how her young dentist drilled.                      
When she sat in his chair,                                  
She stripped and said, "There                               
Now I'd like these two pulled and this filled."             
                                                            
40096 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Bob Giandomenico    P9103



Big Danny was famous for filling                            
The holes in the gals he was drilling,                      
With plenty of grout,                                       
Which left little doubt,                                    
He would be a daddy, God willing.                           
                                                            
40097 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Frank Sfa                



Her Dentist used gas before drilling.                       
The dream she had was quite thrilling.                      
Nine months to the day                                      
She knew, in a way,                                         
It was more than her tooth he was willing.                  
                                                            
40098 MEDICAL - DENTAL               John E Mayhood      P9805



There was a young dentist of Nome,                          
Who had a young patient from Rome.                          
In a fit of depravity,                                      
He filled the wrong cavity,                                 
Now she's nursing the filling at home.                      
                                                            
40099 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



A show-offy dentist named Irv                               
Would flourish a drill with a verve;                        
On hearing a yell,                                          
He always could tell                                        
He'd carelessly skewered a nerve.                           
                                                            
40100 MEDICAL - DENTAL               R. J. Winkler       P8503



"Open wide," said my dentist from Maine.                    
"I'll make sure you feel maximum pain,                      
While I fill up your grinders                               
With sawdust and binders,                                   
And drill you again and again."                             
                                                            
40101 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Mike O'Conner            



A dentist, young Doctor Malone,                             
Got a charming girl patient alone.                          
And in his depravity,                                       
He filled the wrong cavity.                                 
My! How his practice has grown!                             
(She nurses the filling at home.)                           
40102 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                   L0102



A discomposed dentist named Booth                           
Had guzzled a jug of vermouth.                              
In his chair sat a maiden                                   
With perfume heavy laden,                                   
So he screwed her while pulling her tooth.                  
                                                            
40103 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0653



A dentist who lives in Duluth,                              
Has wedded a widow named Ruth.                              
She is so sentimental                                       
Concerning things dental                                    
She calls her dear second, her twoth.                       
(She now only utters the tooth.)                            
40104 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



Said the dentist, "Please open wider --                     
'Cause here comes the skin-covered glider.                  
The pink steel drill,                                       
The unpicked dill;                                          
A gift from your service provider."                         
                                                            
40105 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



A man who discovered a cavity                               
Considered the matter with gravity.                         
A Seventh Day Adventist                                     
Couldn't go to the dentist                                  
On Saturday, for fear of depravity.                         
                                                            
40106 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Sylvia Honig             



There was a young dentist named Millet,                     
Who hung the sign "Come in, I'll Drill It."                 
No one, though, attended,                                   
Until he amended,                                           
"I'll Painlessly Drill It, Then Fill It."                   
                                                            
40107 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Bob Birch           P0301



Jim's jaws were clenched in contraction,                    
But opened them only a fraction                             
When the dentist said, "Wider!                              
So's to put this inside yer,                                
And yank out the confounded impaction."                     
                                                            
40108 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Edwin J Weinstein        



Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider"                  
And he mounted the chair, as to ride her!                   
Instead of his finger,                                      
He stuck in his weiner,                                     
And found himself way deep inside her.                      
                                                            
40109 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



There was a good madame of Banbury Cross,                   
Who purchased the finest of fine dental floss,              
Twice twelve dozen yards,                                   
Chaste belts for her wards --                               
(Punch line deleted - it came out - just two gross!)        
                                                            
40110 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Stan Payne          P8509



The dentist was clearly unwilling                           
To enlarge on the case of Miss Billing.                     
"She'd a very large cavity,"                                
He deposed with due gravity,                                
"And it very much needed my filling."                       
                                                            
40111 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Lance Payne         P8503



While proctologists toil through their day,                 
With naught but bung holes on display,                      
The poor dentists pity,                                     
'Cause it ain't too pretty                                  
In cavitys fill with decay.                                 
                                                            
40112 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Chris Papa               



A dentist who lives in Campania,                            
Said, "Don't be alarmed, I won't pain ya'."                 
But his technique was crude,                                
And the yells which ensued,                                 
Shattered windows all over Tasmania.                        
                                                            
40113 MEDICAL - DENTAL               John Blyth               



While the dentist was drilling young Keith,                 
His assistant reached down underneath,                      
And she sucked on his cock.                                 
He went off in a shock,                                     
But felt nothing at all in his teeth.                       
                                                            
40114 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0839



I got a new crown for my tooth.                             
'Tis the fourth one I've had there, in truth.               
It goes a long while                                        
Toward making me smile,                                     
For it hasn't a hole and ain't looth!                       
                                                            
40115 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Liam na Baeg             



She was cuddly and age eighty-eight.                        
She said about marriage, "Let's wait.                       
My hair must be dyed,                                       
(I do have my pride)                                        
And they're building my new upper plate."                   
                                                            
40116 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Al Willis           P9604



He looked at her X-rays and waited                          
To tell her the teeth were ill-mated.                       
"I'm greatly afraid                                         
That you had them X-rayed                                   
When you ought to have had them X-rated.                    
                                                            
40117 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Laurence Perrine    P8802



A man to his dentist complained                             
That his dentures fit poorly and pained.                    
But the dentist said smugly,                                
"Though your pains may be ugly,                             
Nothing dentured, my boy, nothing gained."                  
                                                            
40118 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin 3024  P9005



A lonely old hag from Duluth,                               
Whose vices were rather uncouth,                            
Would not be so lonely,                                     
If her dentist would only                                   
Consent to remove her last tooth.                           
                                                            
40119 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



Said the dentist, "Now please open wider."                  
She did, and his tongue slid inside her.                    
No pain from a drill,                                       
She just got her fill.                                      
Said the dentist, "You tasted like cider."                  
                                                            
40120 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Lisa                     



Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider!                  
Nurse, I can't get my penis inside her.                     
Her pussy's too tight!                                      
Stretch it open a might,                                    
Then I'll be able to ride her!"                             
                                                            
40121 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



As he struggled, a dentist namd Snider                      
Cried, trying to plunge it inside her,                      
"I don't as a rule                                          
Have this time with my tool,                                
Please open a little bit wider!"                            
                                                            
40122 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Grand Prix Lim  798 P8305



While the dentist was drilling young Schick,                
His assistant, so comely and slick,                         
Was sucking his cock.                                       
His tooth felt no shock                                     
But he blew with a pain in his prick.                       
                                                            
40123 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0877



A young dental student named Phil                           
In the summertime keeps up his skill                        
With a job on the street.                                   
He tears up concrete                                        
By using a pnuematic drill.                                 
                                                            
40124 MEDICAL - DENTAL               A. N. Wilkins       P8503



A two-toothed old man of Arboath,                           
Gave vent to a terrible oath.                               
When one tooth chanced to ache,                             
By some ghastly mistake,                                    
The dentist extracted them both.                            
                                                            
40125 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



There was this young man from Duluth,                       
Was the victim of a monstrous goof.                         
He was driven insane                                        
And had double the pain,                                    
When the dentist had pulled the wrong tooth.                
                                                            
40126 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Edwin J Weinstein        



Ask not if he fancied the dollar,                           
Or sported a tie and a collar;                              
The person worth while                                      
Is the one who can smile                                    
While the dentist is pulling his molar.                     
                                                            
40127 MEDICAL - DENTAL               VOL 11                   



He worked on my teeth for three days,                       
And I didn't have any decays.                               
But my dentist, the creep,                                  
Said, "Fillings are cheap,"                                 
But OY!, root canals and inlays!"                           
                                                            
40128 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



To the dentist, a fellow named Huff                         
Showed his teeth, which were worn and so rough.             
"From the wear and the tear,"                               
Said the dentist, "I swear                                  
That the cunts which you eat are too tough."                
                                                            
40129 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0828



"Why in Heaven," inquired Mr. Downs,                        
"Should dentists have such heavy rounds?"                   
"Who else do you suppose,"                                  
Replied Dr. Rose,                                           
"Would fit saints for their new golden crowns?"             
                                                            
40130 MEDICAL - DENTAL               A. N. Wilkins       P8503



There was an old family named Keith                         
Who lived in a hut on the heath.                            
Being abjectly poor,                                        
It was hard to endure,                                      
And they all used the same set of teeth.                    
                                                            
40131 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin            



"What is worse," said a lady named Claire,                  
"A new baby, or tooth to repair?"                           
Said the dentist refined,                                   
"Would you make up your mind,                               
For I wish to position the chair."                          
                                                            
40132 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-1990



Thou, Sister Christina, tormentest                          
My thoughts, and I pray thou consentest                     
To a romp in the hay                                        
With this suitor today,                                     
If first thou shalt visit a dentist.                        
                                                            
40133 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



A naive dental patient from Maine                           
Told her dentist how sex erased pain.                       
At the touch of a cock                                      
She went right into shock --                                
There was no need to use Novacaine.                         
                                                            
40134 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



There was an old lady named Billings                        
Who went to the dentist for fillings.                       
But he lost all control                                     
And he filled the wrong hole,                               
So she charged him four pence and two shillings.            
                                                            
40135 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0650



A pretty young maid in Inniskilling                         
Went to the dentist for filling.                            
He asked for no fee                                         
And did it for free                                         
When the young maid said she was willing.                   
                                                            
40136 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Bob Hunt                 



A dental hygienist named Chaucer                            
Would moan when her boss tried to boss her.                 
Just one trip to her chair                                  
And you'd readily swear                                     
You'd sighted a real sighing flosser.                       
                                                            
40137 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Arthur Deex         P0011



Said the dentist to harlot McKay,                           
As he poked in her cunt with dismay,                        
"Your life of depravity                                     
Has fucked up your cavity.                                  
What you need is a gold crown inlay."                       
                                                            
40138 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0536



All my teeth are falling out;                               
I think that my gums have the gout.                         
I can grin no more                                          
'Cause my mouth is sore.                                    
The best that I can do is pout.                             
                                                            
40139 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



A dentist know as McBride                                   
Found a whore he wanted to ride.                            
He spewed out his Crest                                     
All over her breasts,                                       
And smeared gums with stannous flouride!                    
                                                            
40140 MEDICAL - DENTAL               John Chastaine           



How can brushers who floss such a lot,                      
Skipping sweets, still acquire dental rot?                  
Might they squeeze from the waist?                          
Read your tube of toothpaste:                               
"For best results, squeeze from the bot...!"                
                                                            
40141 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Prof M-G           TP9806



There was an old dentist named Eddie,                       
Whose tool was perpetually ready.                           
A young lass in his chair,                                  
Was caught unaware,                                         
When she saw that his drill was so steady.                  
                                                            
40142 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Mr. Wine                 



To an African hunter named Tim,                             
Said the dentist with visage so grim,                       
"In your teeth there is plaque                              
From the balls of a yak,                                    
And the hair of an antelope's quim."                        
                                                            
40143 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-3015



There was an old harlot named Skillings                     
Who went to the dentist for fillings.                       
In a fit of depravity,                                      
He filled the wrong cavity,                                 
So each cancelled the other one's billings.                 
                                                            
40144 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-2305



A buddhist, with great lamentation,                         
Saw the dentist with much animation.                        
Despite the man's pain                                      
He refused novocaine,                                       
To transcend dental medication.                             
                                                            
40145 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



Make the most of your daughter and son;                     
With good dental work, you'll have won.                     
Get them fillings of gold --                                
So that they can be sold                                    
At a much higher price than with none!                      
                                                            
40146 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Mark Levy           P9508



Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider"                  
For he couldn't quite fit it inside her.                    
But try as he might,                                        
It was just too damn tight,                                 
But he was determined to ride her!                          
                                                            
40147 MEDICAL - DENTAL                                        



"That needle will hurt, I surmise";                         
"Of course not," my dentist replies,                        
As he plunges it in                                         
With a real fiendish grin,                                  
And a devilish look in his eyes.                            
                                                            
40148 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Peter Wilkins            



A woman with sparkling incisors,                            
Thought brushing would make her much wiser.                 
So she brushed night and day,                               
Till she wore them away,                                    
Which astonished her dental advisors.                       
                                                            
40149 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Ryan Waldron             



A dentist by name of McGavity                               
Was subject to fits of depravity.                           
On his chair sat a maid                                     
And her teeth she displayed,                                
But he probed and he filled the wrong cavity.               
                                                            
40150 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0263



To women a dentist named Gunn                               
Did something he shouldn't have done;                       
The soul of depravity,                                      
He'd fill the wrong cavity,                                 
Admitting he found it more fun.                             
                                                            
40151 MEDICAL - DENTAL               Armand E Singer       702



A dental assistant named Floss                              
Liked to fool 'round with her boss.                         
For a really good time                                      
In his chair they'd recline,                                
While the patients grew cobwebs and moss.                   
                                                            
40152 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



A dental assistant named Floss                              
Liked to fool around with her boss.                         
When the drilling was done,                                 
They'd both have some fun,                                  
But think of the money he lost.                             
                                                            
40153 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



A dental assistant named Floss                              
Liked to fool around with her boss.                         
"I'll do you one time                                       
For a buck ninety-nine",                                    
These words on her butt were embossed.                      
                                                            
40154 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



One limericking punster, forsooth,                          
Made fun of my missing front tooth.                         
This bothered my soul,                                      
So I filled up the hole                                     
With a poultice of gin and vermouth.                        
                                                            
40155 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES      Don Tidwell              



The dentist accepted my plate,                              
And asked if I cared to wait.                               
I told him okay,                                            
But I need it today,                                        
To recoil from this terrible fate.                          
                                                            
40156 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES      Don Tidwell              



So he took out a tool from his kit,                         
And advised that "This won't hurt a bit."                   
Then with plaster and glue,                                 
He produced something new,                                  
But whatever it was, didn't fit.                            
                                                            
40157 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES      Don Tidwell              



So now when you gaze on my face,                            
You'll know something is out of place;                      
It resembles a snout                                        
'Cause the tooth sticks straight out,                       
And makes eating a social disgrace!                         
                                                            
40158 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES      Don Tidwell              



A dental assistant, Ms. Ross                                
Was blowing the dentist, her boss.                          
He came with a jerk,                                        
And said, "Back to work."                                   
She said, "Just as soon as I floss."                        
                                                            
40159 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES      Wiley                    



Ms. Ross was ill used, it is plain.                         
The dentist is clearly a pain:                              
If Ms. Ross were workin'                                    
On the good doctor's gherkin,                               
He should've come with her, or feign.                       
                                                            
40160 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES      Ross                     



I watched a good movie of like;                             
One where the dentist's a tyke.                             
With funny Steve Martin,                                    
Those lips wide a-partin',                                  
He couldn't (tho' tried) clog a dyke.                       
                                                            
40161 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



Then entered this babe called Chantel                       
Wearing nothing but "Coco - Chanel".                        
She lay on his chair                                        
As he, with great care                                      
Positioned to root her canal.                               
                                                            
40162 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



I had some teeth pulled yesterday;                          
Mouth swollen and hair in disarray.                         
The doctor was cruel                                        
Pulling out that jewel                                      
And that one there, three I do say.                         
                                                            
40163 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



"Wisdom teeth" they are called, I think;                    
The mouthwash I have sure does stink.                       
But a question, Doc,                                        
Why not just a rock?                                        
Its so much better out've the rink.                         
                                                            
40164 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



It took a few good strong yanks;                            
The tooth fairy must empty banks,                           
To line his pocket,                                         
And not my rocket --                                        
I'm not sure I should've said thanks.                       
                                                            
40165 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



It's not nice to think that I know,                         
But they weren't that bad, my dear Flo'.                    
They merely teethed,                                        
Pain not quite seethed.                                     
So out, did they really must go?                            
                                                            
40166 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



The dentist was ever so kind.                               
With his feet on my shoulders, combined                     
With the strength of a horse                                
And his pliers, of course,                                  
He extracted my teeth and my mind.                          
                                                            
40167 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



Now listen, I'm not sympathetic;                            
You shouldn't refuse anaesthetic.                           
But you lay in that chair,                                  
With your fixed lustful stare,                              
At his nurse with her charms so aesthetic.                  
                                                            
40168 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



The dentist saw your great bone,                            
As you stared at the lovely nurse Joan,                     
And pulled every one                                        
Of your teeth, just for fun,                                
To warn you to leave her alone.                             
                                                            
40169 MEDICAL - DENTAL - SERIES                               



It is said that an apple a day                              
Will help keep the doctor away,                             
But if that apple were green                                
With a worm in between,                                     
You might wish for another entree.                          
                                                            
40170 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Edwin J Weinstein        



The doc in the ER said, "Rest                               
In bed for three days would be best."                       
But I can't help but sneak,                                 
Out for a quick peak;                                       
It's boring in bed, I confess.                              
                                                            
40171 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



Pray tell why're you in ER?                                 
Did you exceed some limits by far?                          
Is your blood work askew;                                   
What the hell did you do?                                   
Do you have to collect pee in a jar?                        
                                                            
40172 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



"Tomorrow," the doctor said, "double                        
Your dosage of this, Mrs. Hubbell,                          
And call me again                                           
If you feel better then.                                    
I'm having the very same trouble."                          
                                                            
40173 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              High Seriousness    P8305



"When you don't treat a cold," Dr. Geek                     
Said, "it lasts seven days. If you seek                     
The advise right away                                       
Of your doctor, you may                                     
Get rid of the bug in a week."                              
                                                            
40174 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                  P8305



A wonderful doctor is diet,                                 
Assisted by calmness and quiet.                             
It prevents many ills                                       
And professional bills,                                     
But helps only people who try it.                           
                                                            
40175 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              R. J. Winkler       P8503



A plan to draft doctors won't work!                         
If you think that hippies could shirk;                      
Just wait till you see                                      
The average MD                                              
Create a syndrome from a quirk!                             
                                                            
40176 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Larry Davis         P9408



If all doctors were drafted at will                         
And the army would pay the health bill,                     
Health coverage, now steep,                                 
Would be awfully cheap,                                     
For the Army's conditioned to kill.                         
                                                            
40177 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Al Chaplin          P9408



If health is the thing you adore,                           
This logic will better your score.                          
Since an apple a day                                        
Keeps the doctor away --                                    
Two apples keeps two from the door.                         
                                                            
40178 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2418



There once was a surgeon named Bollen                       
Who fixed bones, both broken and swollen;                   
"Soft organs ain't fun,"                                    
He winked to his son,                                       
"And I'm not a great fan of the colon!"                     
                                                            
40179 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Mark Levy           P0203



His attitude was quite flip,                                
As he gave the doctor some lip.                             
"I'm a cross-dresser, see,                                  
And there's no curing me!"                                  
Said the doc, "you're a fraud in a slip."                   
                                                            
40180 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



At the hospital down a South bend,                          
I was forced to protect my rear end.                        
I had a dilemma;                                            
They gave me an enema                                       
And I just went to visit a friend!                          
                                                            
40181 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Clarence Boyle      P8906



I collected a small little virus;                           
Doc Norton I thought he would hire us.                      
He said "It's no good.                                      
I think that you should                                     
Take two asprin and see what transpirus!"                   
                                                            
40182 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



"My procedure," admitted Doc Friend,                        
"And a good practice too, I contend.                        
When my patients complain                                   
Waiting for me's a strain,                                  
I ignore them or else condescend."                          
                                                            
40183 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9704



There once was an old maid named Proctor,                   
Who had a big crush on her doctor.                          
She balked at disrobing                                     
For intimate probing                                        
But giggled each time he defrocked her!                     
                                                            
40184 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                  P8305



A gay went to see his physician.                            
His trouble: Nocturnal emission.                            
The wise doctor said,                                       
"Take a young boy to bed."                                  
Said the gay, "Doc, you're a magician!"                     
                                                            
40185 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Ed Wolfert          P8305



A hasher observed on his bum,                               
A boil as big as his thumb.                                 
The doc said, "Let's lance it,"                             
The hasher said, "Eat shit!                                 
Medice, cura te ipsum."                                     
(physician, heal thyself)                                   
40186 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              FB                       



A woman consulted her Dr.                                   
And what he said really Shr.                                
When she called him a liar,                                 
She set his temper on fire.                                 
So what did he do? He Sr.                                   
                                                            
40187 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Ed Wolfert          P8305



I finally escaped from that pest,                           
And the doctor said, after the test,                        
No doubt you feel numb --                                   
You were just overcome.                                     
Go home and have a night's rest."                           
                                                            
40188 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



A crafty old doc from Montpelier,                           
Always said to the girls. "I can heal yer;                  
But first please undress                                    
So I don't have to guess,                                   
But can see yer and smell yer and feel yer."                
                                                            
40189 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Million Laughs CD-ROM    



The doctor good manners is taught                           
And he gives every statement due thought.                   
To a lady he'll say,                                        
"How's your throat feel today?"                             
But he never will ask, "How's your twat?"                   
                                                            
40190 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2327



His bedside manner's outrageous,                            
Though meant, to be sure, to assuage us.                    
He scratches our itches                                     
And keeps us in stitches:                                   
Moreover, his humor's contagious.                           
                                                            
40191 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Laurence Perrine    P8503



There was an old woman named Bea                            
Who paid the good doctor a fee,                             
Because she thought it best                                 
To check pains in her breast;                               
His diagnosis: she sprained her knee.                       
                                                            
40192 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Tom Patton          P0001



A nutty old doctor named Green                              
Thought he'd try out a brand new vaccine;                   
Gave himself an injection                                   
That cured the infection,                                   
And even grew hair on his thing.                            
                                                            
40193 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



Before surgery, old Dr. Buell                               
Tells his patients that they, as a rule,                    
Can't even have tea,                                        
Because, of course, he                                      
Attended an IV league school.                               
                                                            
40194 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              A. N. Wilkins       P8503



A limpid old fellow was Gene;                               
His cock was the deadest I've seen.                         
But a doctor named Sears                                    
Worked for forty two years,                                 
And he kept it alive by machine.                            
                                                            
40195 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0456



The crud that Bludde had in his bones                       
Was taken in stride by Doc Jones.                           
But what gave Jones despair                                 
Was Bludde's kidney repair,                                 
And extracting from Bludde all the stones.                  
                                                            
40196 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2457



A doctor who wasn't too sure                                
If the serum would kill or would cure,                      
Said, "I'll try it just once.                               
If it kills, I'm a dunce;                                   
If it cures, I'm a Louis Pasteur."                          
                                                            
40197 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Warrick Elrod            



From Paris to Spain to New Delhi,                           
All doctors, I learned on the telly,                        
Remain right in line,                                       
And for breakfast I find,                                   
They all prefer surgical jelly.                             
                                                            
40198 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Al Willis           P9702



A wealthy physician named Cheevers                          
Was lauded by hosts of believers.                           
He was asked to explain                                     
How his wealth he did gain.                                 
"I am grateful," he said, "for small fevers."               
                                                            
40199 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2494



An apple, for some, may suffice,                            
But permit me to give some advice:                          
Just a limerick a day                                       
Keeps the doctor away.                                      
No more pills, no more fruit; you'll save twice!            
                                                            
40200 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Squeaky                  



The student doctor was doing his rounds,                    
He was thinking just how many lbs                           
He was losing in weight                                     
With his nice steady gait,                                  
As his heartbeats were in leaps and bounds.                 
                                                            
40201 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Arthur Pattaffy          



Said a pediatrician named Hurst,                            
"Though of childhood diseases, the first                    
Causes the patient great pain,                              
To parents, it's plain                                      
That love is the least and the worst."                      
                                                            
40202 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              A. N. Wilkins       P8502



I thought the good Doctor Munrow                            
Knew every disease one could know,                          
Till he rendered distraught                                 
A poor sick astronaut,                                      
By declaring he had "missle toe"!                           
                                                            
40203 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



All his staff he confused with theatrics,                   
For his surviving few geriatrics,                           
Were, due to his dosage,                                    
Propelled into dotage,                                      
And then kept alive with mere hat tricks!                   
                                                            
40204 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Diagnoses of this medicaster,                               
Ineluctably presage disaster,                               
Which made him decide,                                      
When his patients all died,                                 
To hold himself out as a pastor!                            
                                                            
40205 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



His demeanor is modest and fine,                            
For example, he paid a divine                               
Compliment to his wife,                                     
For he said "On my life,                                    
She has much nicer in-laws than mine!"                      
                                                            
40206 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Well, now he is sixty and mellow,                           
And living on wheat germ and Jell-O.                        
He's addicted to tennis,                                    
At which he's a menace,                                     
All in all, he's a marvelous fellow!                        
                                                            
40207 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A young doctor who hails from Dezalls,                      
Was born without any balls.                                 
Like a stallion bedecked,                                   
He stood there erect,                                       
And was asked, "Do you make house calls!".                  
                                                            
40208 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



Spent six hundred for Doc to say,                           
"Don't lean on your elbow that way,                         
Makes your fingers numb                                     
Then don't be so dumb."                                     
I spent too much, won't disobey.                            
                                                            
40209 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



This dictates my sex life disturbed;                        
Positions available curbed.                                 
I can't lean like that,                                     
No more acrobat.                                            
My man is greatly perturbed.                                
                                                            
40210 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



The lawyers may suffer in Hades,                            
And skippers drift limbo with maties.                       
Doctors may be permitted                                    
Into Heaven admitted,                                       
But can stay there no longer than three days.               
                                                            
40211 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Res Ipsa                 



An old obstretician named Lee                               
Remarked, "I've done well, as you see,                      
Because in my line,                                         
I have, rain or shine,                                      
So many men working for me."                                
                                                            
40212 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                  P8305



Said the head of the Safety Commission,                     
"Our speaker tonight's a physician                          
Who constantly faces                                        
Accident cases --                                           
Doc Sloan, the well known obstetrician!"                    
                                                            
40213 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                  P8305



There was a young lady of York,                             
Who was shortly expecting the stork,                        
When the doctor walked in                                   
With a businesslike grin,                                   
A pickax, a spade, and a fork.                              
                                                            
40214 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



Most women I know of, enjoy                                 
Gruesome medical programs. Oh boy!                          
If they're on the TV,                                       
They discuss 'em with glee,                                 
And the methods those doctors employ.                       
                                                            
40215 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



They appear to enjoy 'em the more                           
Showing entrails and plenty of gore;                        
And the sawing and drilling                                 
Of bones they find thrilling,                               
Together with guts on the floor.                            
                                                            
40216 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



Said the aging ophthalmologist.                             
"It's my own diagnosis I missed.                            
The beam lodged in my eye                                   
I called a "mote" gone dry.                                 
When I do stuff like this, I get pissed."                   
                                                            
40217 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9704



Opthalmologist, J. Bicker Trys,                             
From whose shingle one just might surmise,                  
Has drops, ointment and balm                                
To make angry orbs calm.                                    
It reads simply, "A SITE FOR SORE EYES."                    
                                                            
40218 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



There was an optician respectable,                          
Who fell in his grinding receptacle.                        
He later was found                                          
All garnished and ground                                    
To mince-meat, ant not a fine spectacle!                    
                                                            
40219 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Rick Limmer         T9711



An optician who practiced in Rye                            
Sadly had only one eye.                                     
He'd given the other                                        
To somebody's brother                                       
And it wasn't the thing to ask why.                         
                                                            
40220 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Michael Palin            



Here's a question designed to perplex.                      
Concerning those girls who wear 'specs',                    
If they get more passes                                     
Than girls without glasses,                                 
The optician's to blame, one suspects!                      
                                                            
40221 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              H Myers             T9801



A roguish optician is Lee.                                  
To patients: "Oh say can you see...?"                       
In the hope that one might,                                 
"...by the dawn's early light...",                          
Then duet the Star Spangled B.                              
                                                            
40222 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Irving Superior     P8503



An orthopedist has just what it takes                       
For treating your factures and aches.                       
He's very well touted                                       
With no bones about it.                                     
It seems that he gets all the breaks.                       
                                                            
40223 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Bob Giandomenico    P8811



"For chills," said two doctors of Knox,                     
"The patients must strip to their socks."                   
So on each office visit,                                    
To strip nude is requisite --                               
And un-orthodox paradox!                                    
                                                            
40224 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The physician inquired, "So it's true.                      
You consulted a pharmacist too?                             
What foolish advice                                         
Did he give, Mr. Bryce?"                                    
"He said I should come to see you."                         
                                                            
40225 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              A. N. Wilkins       P8306



Podiatrists work at the bottom                              
Removing your corns if you've got 'em,                      
Then easily ease                                            
A pedal disease                                             
Like plantar-type warts if you've caught 'em.               
                                                            
40226 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              R. J. Winkler       P8503



A maid with a simple complaint                              
Was told by the doc what it ain't.                          
"But what have I got?                                       
I know what it's not.                                       
I can't understand your explaint."                          
                                                            
40227 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Edwin J Weinstein        



"An angry old doctor from Bray,                             
Said, "There's a flower in my surgical tray.                
The smartass who put it there                               
Will lose lots of pubic hair,                               
With the help of my hot laser ray."                         
                                                            
40228 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Mike O'Conner            



There was a sick man of Tobago                              
Lived long on rice-gruel and sago;                          
But at last, to his bliss,                                  
The physician said this --                                  
"To a roast leg of mutton you may go."                      
                                                            
40229 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              R S Sharpe pub 1822 Bibby



A brilliant physician named Hurst                           
Was in livers, extremely well-versed.                       
"Of liver men on this coast,                                
I'm second greatest," he'd boast,                           
"Alexander Portnoy is the first."                           
                                                            
40230 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Michael Weinstein   P8305



A seamy old surgeon was Fitches;                            
His patients he patched without hitches.                    
Whe asked how did it go,                                    
He replied, "Sew, sew,                                      
And I leave all my patients in stitches."                   
                                                            
40231 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2571



The sex books of Doctor Methusalem                          
Are the Word, from Key West to Jerusalem.                   
But alas, you poor suckers,                                 
And would-be art fuckers--                                  
He's C.I.A., picked to confoozle 'em.                       
                                                            
40232 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                  G2427



The new sex manual by Doctors O'Quinn,                      
McMasters and Johnson and McMinn;                           
Enlightens, explains,                                       
Clarifies and contains                                      
A whole chapter on which end to put in.                     
                                                            
40233 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Michael Weinstein   P8305



The medical colonel's complexion                            
Turned crimson at short arm inspection.                     
That the armed personnel                                    
Numbered women as well,                                     
He recalled with a tart interjection!                       
                                                            
40234 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Lance Payne         P8305



To the doctor went old Mrs. Glitz                           
For she had a bad case of the shits.                        
But old Doctor Pittmann                                     
Was strickly a tit man,                                     
And he asked her to please show her tits.                   
                                                            
40235 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2084



Even swimming, all knew Doctor Peck,                        
As laps in the Club pool he'd trek.                         
He took pains all could see                                 
That he was an M.D.                                         
By the stethoscope slung 'round his neck.                   
                                                            
40236 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9704



There once was a physician named Fox                        
Who could cure anything expect pox.                         
While his colleague named Spathe                            
Could cure pox by sheer faith.                              
Now was that not a strange paradox?                         
                                                            
40237 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9206



"Why do so many dull mediocrities                           
Among those in the ranks of Hippocrates,"                   
Inquired Dr. Ayres,                                         
"Speak of public affairs                                    
As if each one supposed he were Socrates?"                  
                                                            
40238 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              A. N. Wilkins       P8503



A surgeon whose last name was Cutter,                       
At nights in his basement, he'd putter                      
On squirrels and dogs                                       
And pigeons and frogs,                                      
And the things he'd found dead in the gutter.               
                                                            
40239 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Cap'n Bean          P9812



Joe was ailing and went to Doc Moe.                         
"Can you tell me what's wrong?" asked young Joe.            
The doctor said, "Son,                                      
We have ten tests to run,                                   
Before we find out we don't know."                          
                                                            
40240 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Clarence Boyle      P8906



A man to whom illness was chronic,                          
When told that he needed a tonic,                           
Said, "Oh, Doctor, Dear,                                    
Won't you, please, make it beer?"                           
"No, No", said the Doc, "That's Teutonic".                  
                                                            
40241 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



But the annals of medicine show,                            
New diseases are often thought so.                          
You'd think that by now                                     
They would recognize how                                    
There are many things doctors don't know.                   
                                                            
40242 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Alaine Perry             



The doctor said, "Here's my prognosis:                      
He might later develop thrombosis.                          
I don't like to mention,                                    
But it is my contention,                                    
He also has some halitosis."                                
                                                            
40243 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Al Willis                



Now how could a girl feel depressed                         
When seductively asked to undress?                          
He was gentle but bold,                                     
His hands slightly cold....                                 
As the Specialist fingered her breast!                      
                                                            
40244 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                       



A famous physician named Rex                                
Who worked only on cases complex,                           
Lost his fame and his touch                                 
'Cause his hands shook so much                              
From an over-abundance of sex.                              
                                                            
40245 MEDICAL - DOCTORS                                  P8305



A new-minted doctor named Durkee                            
Seems just a bit oddball and quirky.                        
He treated for migraine                                     
And abnormal eyestrain,                                     
The family's Thanksgiving turkey.                           
                                                            
40246 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Armand E Singer       525



To the doctor went old Mrs. Scott,                          
For the pain in her chest hurt a lot.                       
Said the doctor, so wise,                                   
"Please spread out your thighs,                             
And lets have a look at your twat."                         
                                                            
40247 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2288



Writing orders, a doctor from Flaster                       
Made his pen scribble faster and faster.                    
He developed a scrawl                                       
That was unreadable;                                        
Left his patients at risk for disaster.                     
                                                            
40248 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jim Weaver Collection    



When urology patients were polled,                          
The complaint that was most often told                      
Was: In times of emergency,                                 
Calls made with urgency                                     
Always were answered, "Please hold."                        
                                                            
40249 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Jerry Nordhal       P2005



"This device," said Urologist Soint,                        
"May appear strange, but more to the point,                 
While it's somewhat frigid,                                 
It does remain rigid.                                       
What more could one ask a ball joint?"                      
                                                            
40250 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Loren C Fitzhugh    P9704



Said Urologists Rivers and Otter                            
To incontinent patient Len Potter,                          
"The reason you leak,                                       
Even now as we speak,                                       
You are changing your wine into water."                     
                                                            
40251 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



"Dr. Freud, I'm beginning to fret;                          
I dream of a sexy quintet                                   
With five patients of mine!"                                
"Ach, Ich all ze time!"                                     
"No, Doctor, you see, I'm a vet!"                           
                                                            
40252 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Tutta Gioia              



A veterinary surgeon from Fife                              
Once dressed up to frighten his wife.                       
When asked, "Is this wise?"                                 
He replied in surprise,                                     
"Where I come from this sort of thing's rife."              
                                                            
40253 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Michael Palin            



A fat pediatrician from Minsk                               
Met a plump gyno-surgeon from Pinsk.                        
They married in haste,                                      
Their talents to waste,                                     
As their children were all born so thin'sk.                 
                                                            
40254 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Arthur Pattaffy          



A doctor who made a prognosis                               
Said, "Madam, 'tis my diagnosis                             
You have a touch                                            
Of flu in the crutch."                                      
He was wrong -- it was myxomatosis!                         
(myxomatosis - mucoid degeneration and tumors; rabbit virus)
40255 MEDICAL - DOCTORS              Spike Milligan      P8304



A school boy who thought he could fake 'em,                 
Told the doctor he felt a sharp ache come;                  
The X-ray applied                                           
Showed all his inside                                       
Was looking as well as they make 'em.                       
                                                            
40256 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Lims For Year - 01       



Said the doc to a short tempered Jew,                       
"Pray tell, Mister Sussman, did you                         
Wake up grouchy today?"                                     
Sussman said, "Doctor Gray,                                 
No, I didn't.  I let her sleep through."                    
                                                            
40257 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Five Line Limericks P0306



Said the doc to a short-tempered Wop,                       
"Don Romano, did you wake up,                               
Perchance, grouchy today?"                                  
He replied, "Doctor Gray,                                   
No, I didn't.  She sleeps like a top."                      
                                                            
40258 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Arthur Deex         P0306



Said the doc to a short-tempered Kraut,                     
"Herr Stein, I have simply no doubt                         
You woke grouchy today?"                                    
Herman said, "Doctor Gray,                                  
Nein, I left her to sleep the night out."                   
                                                            
40259 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Arthur Deex         P0306



When Doc said please open wide,                             
So he could look deeper inside,                             
Then didn't say naught,                                     
He appeared deep in thought.                                
'Twas bad news his demeanor implied.                        
                                                            
40260 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



There once was a fellow called Rollo,                       
Who agreed to a barium swallow.                             
The thing that doc found                                    
Was his gut was quite round,                                
And not only that, it was hollow.                           
                                                            
40261 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



The doc said his pain was a fake                            
Or simply "just a headache,"                                
So he gave him a pill,                                      
The pain for to kill                                        
And presented the bill at his wake.                         
                                                            
40262 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



They wrapped the blood pressure cuff                        
And squeezed the bulb with a puff.                          
His nerves were on fire                                     
When the pressure rose higher.                              
He smiled, but it's all a big bluff.                        
                                                            
40263 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



I went to the Doc for a cold,                               
That had been there so long it was old.                     
It was hard to teach choir,                                 
To lead and inspire,                                        
And 'twas hard for fermata to hold.                         
                                                            
40264 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Hilde na Beag            



So he listened with stethoscope cold,                       
'Til the metal got caught in the fold                       
Of elastic in bra,                                          
As he said, "Say AH."                                       
And the string stretched out just like spun gold.           
                                                            
40265 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Hilde na Beag            



Then I raised my eyes and said right bold,                  
"Will you please cut this string at the fold,               
Before it unravels                                          
Out there in my travels."                                   
Now he's the "Bra Doctor", I'm told.                        
                                                            
40266 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Hilde na Beag            



There once was a drummer called Sam                         
Who went in for a doctor's exam.                            
He thought it quite neat                                    
To have the wild beat                                       
That jazzed up his cardiogram.                              
                                                            
40267 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



It's not true that the doctor knows best                    
When he listens to noise in your chest,                     
Saying "Take a deep breath"                                 
And you hold it 'til death.                                 
He forgets that exhaling is next.                           
                                                            
40268 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



The doctor examined Miss Pask;                              
He took the old spinster to task.                           
He said, "What I'm thinking,                                
You will have to stop drinking,                             
For you'll not find a prick in a flask!"                    
                                                            
40269 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Albin Chaplin   3024-1374



There once was a doctor who said:                           
"The tiredness is all in your head."                        
So get out the door                                         
And exercise more --                                        
And perk up your life instead                               
                                                            
40270 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



So this guy with his head in the dump                       
Got him some iron to pump.                                  
Took the doctors advice                                     
And exercised twice                                         
To try to get out of his slump.                             
                                                            
40271 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



After trying to lift weights once more,                     
A muscle in his back he then tore.                          
With a bellowing tone,                                      
He found himself prone,                                     
And unable to get off of the floor.                         
                                                            
40272 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



So this wretched miserable gent                             
Back by ambulance to the doctor he went.                    
Now told what was best                                      
Was to get "lots of rest                                    
And pour on the liniment."                                  
                                                            
40273 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



I went to the doctor who said,                              
"You look awful -- now lie on this bed."                    
Then he gave me a check-up                                  
From knee-cap to neck up                                    
And said, "You're most probably dead."                      
                                                            
40274 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Peter Wilkins            



I said, "I hope you agree,                                  
Since I'm dead, this appointment is free."                  
Then I got up to leave                                      
And just couldn't believe --                                
He charged me quadruple his fee.                            
                                                            
40275 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Peter Wilkins            



I find that man the physician                               
Has no sense at all of contrition,                          
For poking your butt                                        
And squeezing your nut;                                     
The bill is beyond recognition.                             
                                                            
40276 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      MrMalo                   



You can hear the violins fiddle                             
While you ponder this puzzling riddle:                      
You have to think twice                                     
About diet advice                                           
From a doc with a paunch in his middle.                     
                                                            
40277 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a smart miss with a hernia,                       
Who said to her doctor, "Gol dern ya,                       
When improving my middle,                                   
Be sure you don't fiddle,                                   
With matters that do not concern ya."                       
                                                            
40278 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Heywood Broun       L1180



"Cholesterol's high", said the doc,                         
"Eat oatmeal for breakfast, old sock,                       
And you would be smart                                      
To strengthen your heart,                                   
With a daily walk around the block!"                        
                                                            
40279 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Observer                 



So, oatmeal for breakfast he downed,                        
Then walked the whole block, all around;                    
He went home to cool                                        
Himself in the pool,                                        
But, cramping, the healthy fool drowned.                    
                                                            
40280 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Travis Brasell           



The cramps, though, were caused by a venom                  
His wifey had sprayed on his denim --                       
See, the wife and the Doc                                   
Had poisoned Old Sock                                       
And split the insurance betwenim!                           
                                                            
40281 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Brian Belge              



It just goes to show what they say                          
Is the truth, and you can't go astray.                      
You can still do your part                                  
To enstrengthen your heart,                                 
But we all end up dead, anyway.                             
                                                            
40282 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Liam na Beag             



I went to the doctor with lumps;                            
Just thinking that I had the mumps.                         
For the sake of this verse,                                 
He said it was worse,                                       
The near unpronouncable nunps!                              
                                                            
40283 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS                               



The doctors all said it was simple:                         
"It's not to worry!  This pimple                            
Though festered and hairy                                   
And looking so scary,                                       
Is only an inside-out dimple!"                              
                                                            
40284 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Anon                     



I went to the doctor and sat for a fee,                     
And asked him, "Whatever's the matter with me?"             
He looked in my mouth                                       
And at joints north and south,                              
"Diagnosis: Incurable atrophy!"                             
                                                            
40285 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Laurence Perrine    P8305



A spastic fellow named Kirk                                 
Had reflexes that were more than berserk.                   
When doc struck his patella,                                
This mucular fella                                          
Kicked him a mile with his jerk.                            
                                                            
40286 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



My young doctor, Alice, just flung                          
A strange diagnosis, that hung                              
Like a cloud overhead,                                      
The moment she said:                                        
"A shadow you have on your lung."                           
                                                            
40287 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS                               



She grinned down at me, and I knew,                         
The words that she'd spoken were true.                      
The shadow in quest-                                        
ion was that of her breast,                                 
That the overhead filament threw.                           
                                                            
40288 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS                               



Poor Jeff, saw his doc, said, "he's tired."                 
A vitamin was all he desired.                               
But the doc said he'd try                                   
To find out just why                                        
As a sloth, Jeff seemed to be mired.                        
                                                            
40289 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



He was examined from his head to his toe,                   
To seek out the cause of his woe.                           
To be honestly frank,                                       
The doc came up a blank;                                    
Told Jeff, to the lab he must go.                           
                                                            
40290 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



Jeff took each test in the book;                            
There were none he dared overlook.                          
From a forearm vein,                                        
He saw his blood drain,                                     
And the funds from his own pocketbook.                      
                                                            
40291 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



Stumbling and unable to walk,                               
Jeff then returned to his doc.                              
"Tell me what's wrong;                                      
This has gone on too long;                                  
And my home, I've now had to hock."                         
                                                            
40292 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



Said the doc, "I'm not being unkind,                        
But it seems it was all in your mind.                       
It would be better instead,                                 
If we examined your head,                                   
And to a shrink, you start to unwind."                      
                                                            
40293 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



Poor Jeff, in a desperate state,                            
Went to a pub his tale to relate.                           
The iron in wine                                            
Made him feel fine,                                         
And his thoughts he could now liquid-ate.                   
                                                            
40294 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



Dr Blum made a final report                                 
On a problem he's trying to thwart.                         
"The urine sample                                           
Just wasn't ample,                                          
Only drops when I asked for a quart."                       
                                                            
40295 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Tom Patton          P9704



Said the buxom young lady in France,                        
As she looked at her doctor askance,                        
"Your manner is clinical,                                   
I'm sorry I'm cynical,                                      
But what is that bulge in your pants?"                      
                                                            
40296 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



"Why, doctor, you sly little pup;                           
You noticed my bra is E-cup.                                
You call this palpation;                                    
It's not my 'magination;,                                   
I think you're just feeling me up!"                         
                                                            
40297 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



Said the doctor, "Now don't make a fuss.                    
The bulge in my pants is a truss.                           
I think it is wise                                          
For tits of that size,                                      
To have their own seat on the bus."                         
                                                            
40298 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



The doctor examined her carefully,                          
Paying special attention from waist to knee.                
The next day she found out                                  
The duplicitous lout                                        
Was a doctor, but just of philosophy.                       
                                                            
40299 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Arnie               P0110



The lady who went to Doc Fretter                            
Was asked to remove pants and sweater.                      
He injected some plasma                                     
To take care of asthma,                                     
But it just made her pussy feel better.                     
                                                            
40300 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Albin Chaplin Appeal 1376



There once was a girl with a pain                           
Whose cause was sought, but in vain.                        
When she'd spent all her money                              
For tests, they said, "Honey,                               
It must be because you're insane."                          
                                                            
40301 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



Jane came with a list that was long;                        
Told the doc he was treating her wrong.                     
The doc shook his head                                      
And figured instead                                         
The placebo he gave was too strong.                         
                                                            
40302 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



There once was a patient called Bill                        
Who was given a tri-colored pill.                           
"Take doc's advice,                                         
Swallow two of them twice,                                  
Or soon you'll be over the hill."                           
                                                            
40303 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



Said Bill to the doc, "I'm inclined                         
To think that you're smart, but I find                      
That these pills are so big,                                
They'd choke a stuffed pig,                                 
And the colors will soon make me blind.                     
                                                            
40304 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



So Bill took the pills with a gripe                         
After hearing doc's medical hype.                           
He did as he's told;                                        
Got rid of the cold,                                        
But his skin has a three-colored stripe.                    
                                                            
40305 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



The best part is right in the middle;                       
Hold the cup there when you piddle.                         
Doc wants a sample.                                         
Make sure it's ample                                        
So he can solve your disease riddle.                        
                                                            
40306 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Marty              TP9807



Poor Jim at the doctor's request                            
Had an X-ray exam of his chest.                             
A spot that they found                                      
Was two inches around.                                      
'Twas a coin that showed through from his vest.             
                                                            
40307 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - EXAMS      Edwin J Weinstein        



I've proof from a couple of docs                            
That I've nothing untoward in my socks;                     
Although Doctor Michelle                                    
Is amazed at the swell,                                     
That she sees in the front of my jocks.                     
                                                            
40308 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



There once was a doctor named Jane                          
Who thought her job was a big pain.                         
She preferred liberal arts                                  
To red tape and clogged hearts,                             
And embraced English Lit once again.                        
                                                            
40309 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Emily                    



There once was a doctor named Jack,                         
Who had something wrong with his back.                      
A young girl chiropractor                                   
Testified he attacked her,                                  
But she soon beat him off with a whack.                     
                                                            
40310 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Neal Wilgus         P8402



There was a young medical student                           
Whose stethoscope was badly bent.                           
Listening with her ear                                      
To her patients rear,                                       
That wasn't at all what she meant!                          
                                                            
40311 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Sam Schleman             



My doctor would tell me no lies.                            
[She has glorious heavenly thighs]                          
When she gave me a check-up,                                
From pecker to neck up,                                     
She said I was big for my size.                             
                                                            
40312 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



A patient named Archibald Proctor                           
Was hot for the young lady doctor.                          
"Doc, check out this boner,                                 
'Cause soon I'm a goner,                                    
And then what good is a cock for?"                          
                                                            
40313 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



A chiropodist -- friends call her Dawn --                   
Used to do people's feet on her lawn;                       
But the neighbors complained                                
When a lady, unnamed,                                       
Was hit in the eye by a corn.                               
                                                            
40314 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Michael Palin            



The female Doc said, "Do take care,                         
I think you've a hernia there."                             
A lady was she --                                           
So she meant, you see:                                      
"It's nice to see you really care."                         
                                                            
40315 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Larry Davis         P9505



The resident doctor, Miss Spelling,                         
Diagnosed in a moment my swelling.                          
Moreover, her cure                                          
Was instant and sure.                                       
I'm well now, but now she is swelling.                      
                                                            
40316 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Lance Payne         P8305



Brenda taught advanced proctology.                          
After a brief time in psychology.                           
Now she sees many butts.                                    
Her nurses call her," Doc Nuts."                            
Now she's behind in phrenology.                             
                                                            
40317 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     David J Stein       P0110



"Come in and strip off", said the doc.                      
"What the fuck... ?", I said, reeling from shock,           
"Who are you?"  He said, "John."                            
"So where's Jane?"  "Oh, she's gone.                        
Let me see what you've done to your cock."                  
                                                            
40318 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



"But why has Doc Jane done a run-                           
ner?"  "Unethical practices, son.                           
We dismissed her last week                                  
After nurse took a peek,                                    
And reported her clothing undone."                          
                                                            
40319 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



Now nurse can't be certain whose tense                      
Throbbing dick made poor Jane lose her sense;               
But she knew all along,                                     
Fucking patients was wrong                                  
And a medical council offence.                              
                                                            
40320 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



But Jane's in denial. On Friday,                            
We want you attending an ID                                 
Parade in the nude,                                         
For your dick to be viewed                                  
In Jane's surgery here by young Heidi.                      
                                                            
40321 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



"Young Heidi?"  "The nurse", said the doctor,               
"The incident's shaken and shocked 'er;                     
She's only eighteen;                                        
Well, you know what I mean;                                 
She's a virgin and no-one's defrocked 'er."                 
                                                            
40322 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



And now to the ID parade;                                   
There were five other guys. I was made                      
To strip down to my vest,                                   
And line up with the rest                                   
With my 'membrum virile' displayed.                         
                                                            
40323 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



Then in through the surgery door                            
Came young Heidi who stood right before                     
Us and studied the line-                                    
Up of specimens fine                                        
With a look of amazement and more.                          
                                                            
40324 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



She stopped for awhile when she saw                         
Me and whispered, "It's you; I'm quite sure."               
Then she blew me a kiss,                                    
Did that naughty young miss,                                
As my dick slowly rose from the floor.                      
                                                            
40325 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



"OK now; get dressed; you may go",                          
Said the doctor in charge of the show.                      
Once outside in the rain,                                   
I met Heidi again                                           
And asked, "Why didn't you let them all know?"              
                                                            
40326 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



She giggled and winked as she said,                         
"Well, I won't if you take me to bed."                      
So whenever my tip                                          
Gets caught up in my zip,                                   
Now I ask for nurse Heidi instead.                          
                                                            
40327 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



I was next in the line for the Doc,                         
And so on her door I did knock.                             
But her hair was all mussed,                                
And she looked full of lust,                                
My dong went as hard as a rock.                             
                                                            
40328 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



I gave that young doc an injection,                         
Which thereby removed my erection.                          
Then home I did dash,                                       
But I soon got a rash...                                    
Oh Pete, have I caught your infection?                      
                                                            
40329 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



I caught my poor dick in a zip                              
So I went to the doc who said, "Strip."                     
(Now I wasn't in pain                                       
But my doctor is Jane,                                      
And I do love her wonderful grip.)                          
                                                            
40330 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



Of course I pretended the pain                              
Was intense and I said to her, "Jane,                       
Would you hold it a while?"                                 
And she flashed me a smile,                                 
And said, "Pete, have you done it again?"                   
                                                            
40331 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



I nodded and felt myself rise,                              
As her hands gently fondled my thighs;                      
So I moved myself near                                      
To her chair as my spear                                    
Started pointing straight up to the skies.                  
                                                            
40332 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



"Examine it please, Doctor Jane,                            
For this throbbing is causing me pain."                     
And then (wondrous delight)                                 
She encircled it tight                                      
In her hand which near drove me insane.                     
                                                            
40333 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



It seemed by the flush on her cheek,                        
She'd been celibate most of the week;                       
So I put my hand down                                       
To unbutton her gown,                                       
And I gave her hard nipples a tweak.                        
                                                            
40334 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



Her fingers encircling my knob                              
Began stroking. (I sure had a job                           
Keeping totally cool                                        
With her hand round my tool,                                
For I felt that familiar throb.)                            
                                                            
40335 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



I could tell by her whimpering sighs                        
And the lustfulness filling her eyes,                       
That she needed my rod,                                     
And she muttered, "Dear God",                               
As she opened her quivering thighs.                         
                                                            
40336 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



"No panties?" I said. She said, "No."                       
So I knelt 'tween her thighs for a hoe;                     
Then my dick found her hot                                  
Clenching dripping wet spot,                                
And she moaned as we let ourselves go.                      
                                                            
40337 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



She met every thrust of my spire                            
With a moan and a shout of desire,                          
Until, "Do it!" she screamed,                               
As we shuddered and creamed                                 
Simultaneously quenching our fire.                          
                                                            
40338 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



For a minute or two we'd not speak,                         
As we slowly climbed down from the peak.                    
Then she said with a grin,                                  
"I'm so glad you came in."                                  
And I smiled and said, "See you next week."                 
                                                            
40339 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



I said to my Sex Therapist,                                 
"My problem is getting me pissed."                          
To first get her fee,                                       
She orgasmed me,                                            
Then "Go see a urologist."                                  
                                                            
40340 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Irving Superior     P9408



My Monday night Sex Therapist;                              
Her "How to Erections Get" list.                            
I phoned Tuesday morn                                       
And asked her, forlorn,                                     
"On number nine: right or left fist?"                       
                                                            
40341 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Irving Superior     P9408



My Monday night Sex Therapist;                              
Her "How to Erections Get" list.                            
If you send to me                                           
An SASE...                                                  
Meanwhile exercise either wrist.                            
                                                            
40342 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Irving Superior     P9408



Brown envelope, if you insist.                              
Includes tricks Dr. Ruth missed.                            
The dangers of "Quick Reverse Twist."                       
For Five, see discreet pharmacist.                          
See footnote, "UP YOUR ANALyst."                            
                                                            
40343 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Irving Superior     P9408



While snapping her surgical gloves on,                      
Delectable doctor Eve Loveson                               
Remarked on my stiffy                                       
And said, "In a jiffy                                       
You'll soon be in heaven above, son."                       
                                                            
40344 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE                              



The first doc is an oncologist;                             
The second's a female phrenologist.                         
'Cause experts at lumps                                     
Rarely get beyond bumps,                                    
The third is a keen gynecologist.                           
                                                            
40345 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old doctor named Shuler;                       
I thought that she couldn't be purer.                       
But then she turned mean                                    
And mightly unclean;                                        
In Hades she will be the ruler!                             
                                                            
40346 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - FEMALE     Joi                      



The wife of a doctor named Hong                             
Spread her legs and said "Slip me the dong!"                
Said the doc, "I am beat;                                   
There's no life in my meat.                                 
I've been looking at cunts all day long."                   
                                                            
40347 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-2980



The new gynecologist Birch                                  
Amongst doctors did hold the top perch.                     
He had learned his vocation                                 
As a cop in the station,                                    
Who conducted the cavity search.                            
                                                            
40348 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin            



At the movies I pay a good price                            
To see all the pussies so nice.                             
But the doctor, so gay,                                     
Looks at pussies all day,                                   
And he charges ten bucks for advice.                        
                                                            
40349 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-2239



So meet gynecologist Pete.                                  
I shall tickle your fancy, my sweet;                        
And however perverse                                        
You may want it, dear "nurse",                              
I shall whip up your favourite treat.                       
                                                            
40350 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY                          



If I lay on your table in stirrups,                         
While you tidy your tools and your gear-ups,                
You'd gaze at my cookie                                     
And dream of sweet nookie,                                  
With gloves on to play in my syrups.                        
                                                            
40351 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY                          



Poor Pearl, now in utter despair,                           
Phoned her doctor for help, I declare.                      
You may ask how I know --                                   
I'm her doctor and so                                       
I'll examine her privately there.                           
                                                            
40352 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY                          



To his wife said the doctor of Natchez,                     
"All day I've checked twats in big batches.                 
I am too beat to lay                                        
So I can't fuck today,                                      
And I'm fed up with looking at snatches."                   
                                                            
40353 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-2204



To the doctor went poor Mrs. Potts;                         
The pain in her pussy hurt lots.                            
Said old Doctor McLouth,                                    
"Let me look in your mouth,                                 
For I fed up with looking at twats."                        
                                                            
40354 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-2238



The cunt doctor, Ephram Q. Luntz,                           
Was expert at transforming cunts.                           
He healed chancres and sores                                
In the foulest of whores,                                   
And approved them by licking them once.                     
                                                            
40355 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-1729



Gynecologists all bite their nails.                         
They learn not to look in the males,                        
And they always are sure                                    
If a gal isn't pure.                                        
They spread -- when they can -- old wives' tails!           
                                                            
40356 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY John Dohner         P8804



Gynecologist's office, Bob Guild,                           
Is next to dentist Rob Shilled.                             
New patient, Ms. Blake,                                     
Got wrong office by mistake.                                
When stripped, stirruped, "Need two pulled and one filled." 
                                                            
40357 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Henry Mucha              



If you'll just take the knee-chest position,                
I can tell more about your condition.                       
I'll tune up your womb                                      
To make room for the groom,                                 
For I gather, you're planning coition.                      
                                                            
40358 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY                     G1708



Gynecologists asked her once more,                          
"Have you a had a check-up there before?"                   
"A Czech?" she said "No!                                    
Just a Russian or so...                                     
And Hungarians? Lord! By the score!"                        
                                                            
40359 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Vasser W. Smith     P9307



Said young gynecologist, Moriphus,                          
"My dear, I'm in no humor for a fuss!                       
"I'm tired and depressed,                                   
And I must have some rest --                                
I've had a hard day at the orifice!                         
                                                            
40360 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY                     P8305



A gynecologist by the name of Schwartz,                     
Had trouble storing his aborts.                             
His assistant named Lars                                    
Found him some jars,                                        
Sized from liters to gallons to quarts.                     
                                                            
40361 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Puff Adder               



A new gynecologist named Scott                              
Found he knew diddly squat                                  
About sex, 'cause he'd never                                
Been so clever                                              
As to go out on a date that was hot.                        
                                                            
40362 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Henry Mucha              



A young gynecologist, Heep,                                 
Worked long and he often lost sleep.                        
For he had an obsession                                     
To improve his profession,                                  
And his hand in a good thing to keep.                       
                                                            
40363 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-2105



Said the young gynecologist Schick                          
As he probed in the crotch of a chick,                      
"I am through, please relax.                                
You can put on your slacks,                                 
And you'd better let go of my prick."                       
                                                            
40364 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-2280



Gynecologists, (I've got a hunch),                          
And the pizza delivery bunch,                               
Being red-blooded jocks,                                    
They can both sniff the box,                                
In which neither of them gets to munch!                     
                                                            
40365 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Cybe R Wizard            



"Yes, gynecologic admission...                              
You can't see?  Why not see an optician?                    
Okay sir, don't panic;                                      
Here's a pussy mechanic;                                    
I'll ask him about this condition."                         
                                                            
40366 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Tiddy Ogg                



"It seems, doctor, this fellow's lass is                    
Distressed, more and more, as time passes.                  
She really can't cope,                                      
So please have a grope,                                     
And try to remove the fool's glasses."                      
                                                            
40367 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Tiddy Ogg                



So fellows, if you be short-sighted,                        
And lustfulness gets you excited,                           
Before oral sex,                                            
Please take off your specs,                                 
Or for seconds, you'll not be invited.                      
                                                            
40368 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Tiddy Ogg                



We sweet gals don't like getting passes                     
From silly guys who must wear glasses.                      
When they take some licks,                                  
From our sugar sticks,                                      
Don't want glasses stuck up our asses.                      
                                                            
40369 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Marlene Lewis            



In OB/GYN, Doctor Hunt,                                     
When at college played football; a runt,                    
Though too light for the line,                              
In the backfield did fine,                                  
And had great hands for catching a punt.                    
                                                            
40370 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Bob Giandomenico    P0203



A young gynecologist, Fred,                                 
Has seen so many pussy-flaps spread,                        
Showing acres of twat,                                      
(Some with gangrene and rot),                               
He prefers to screw chickens instead.                       
                                                            
40371 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY                          



A hot-blooded damsel, Miss Pickett,                         
Had a hickey flare up in her thicket.                       
The young doctor said,                                      
"Now lady, get spread,                                      
It's obvious, I'll have to prick it!"                       
                                                            
40372 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY                          



A young gynecologist Ray,                                   
Had a hard-on at work through the day.                      
But at home, it subsided --                                 
Left his wife unprovided,                                   
For his pecker was too soft to lay.                         
                                                            
40373 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-2254



Most docs on the links will cavort,                         
While dentists find tennis their forte.                     
But GYN's and OB's                                          
Think it is the bee's knees:                                
Spelunking in caves is their sport.                         
                                                            
40374 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY TuttaGioia               



The cunt doctor looks and he feels                          
And ponders each crotch as he kneels.                       
Then he writes so obscure                                   
A prescription for cure,                                    
But it seems that the wound never heals.                    
                                                            
40375 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - GYNECOLOGY Albin Chaplin   3024-0441



Graham said to a man sick in bed,                           
"You're not ill, it is all in your head."                   
Sometime later that day                                     
To the corpse he did say,                                   
"Hold on to your faith, you're not dead."                   
                                                            
40376 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Al Chaplin          PO107



A doc with our Jane had a fling;                            
Her climax he never could bring.                            
"They told me, don't screw                                  
An anaesthetist, you                                        
Will find that you don't feel a thing."                     
                                                            
40377 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                               



A doctor whose last name was Beamer,                        
Was such an incredible dreamer.                             
Orthopedic nightmares,                                      
Bony mental affairs                                         
With an ulna, a sternum and femur.                          
                                                            
40378 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Bob Birch           P0107



In his lab, an old doctor named Pease                       
Produced a new serum with ease;                             
And to all did expound                                      
That a cure he had found                                    
For which there was no known disease.                       
                                                            
40379 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Albin Chaplin   3024-2739



An affluent doctor who quacked us,                          
Was indicted and tried for malpractice.                     
His sole diagnosis                                          
Was chronic osmosis,                                        
For which prescribed a raw cactus.                          
                                                            
40380 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                          P8303



That flakey faith healer of Deal                            
Lay down on his bed of cold steel;                          
And he found at that juncture                               
That such weird acupuncture                                 
Cured ailments imagined and real.                           
                                                            
40381 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Arthur Deex         P8507



As the professor prepared a full syringe,                   
His entourage didn't mutter or cringe.                      
They were rather afraid                                     
An error could be made,                                     
As the prof had been out on the binge.                      
                                                            
40382 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Arthur Pattaffy          



"I'll be back again, miss, tomorrow, see,                   
And each day thereafter, 'cause morally,"                   
Hippocrates bleated,                                        
"This must be repeated,                                     
And even, perhaps, given orally."                           
                                                            
40383 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                               



Facing every known cure for pollution,                      
Homeopathy;s impure solution,                               
For each trait, kind or cruel,                              
Stays in each molecule,                                     
After multiple rounds of dilution.                          
                                                            
40384 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Paul Niquette            



"Incompetent moron," thought Maud,                          
With her bum in the air feeling bored;                      
For her nearsighted doctor                                  
Had gone and defrocked her                                  
And gasped in surprise, "How extraord...!"                  
                                                            
40385 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



"What you have here, to be blunt,                           
Is an asshole instead of a cunt.                            
And your head's twisted 'round                              
To the back where I've found                                
Where your tits are! You're built back-to-front!"           
                                                            
40386 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



I went to a doctor named Jack;                              
I'm beginning to think he's a quack.                        
He ordered pink pills                                       
For all of my ills,                                         
As I still lie flat on my back.                             
                                                            
40387 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



A quack of a doctor named Patrick                           
Did something quite wrongly iatric;                         
Through careless purgations                                 
He did in three patients                                    
And bragged, "I've just managed the hat trick!"             
                                                            
40388 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Armand E Singer       793



I went to old fashioned Doc Beeches.                        
He said: "Go on boy, drop your breeches;                    
Now look at nurse Helen...                                  
I'll deal with that swellin'."                              
And then applied dozens of leeches.                         
                                                            
40389 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Tiddy Ogg                



Turned out that the doc misconstrued him;                   
And the man said "That doc, he is lewd him!"                
Turned out it was gout,                                     
So the man turned about,                                    
Got a good lawyer and sued him.                             
                                                            
40390 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                               



I've worked with some medical misfits!                      
Arrogant, unscrupulous sharp wits!                          
Who boasted and bragged                                     
Till the nurses all gagged,                                 
For those docs were like pustular zits.                     
                                                            
40391 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Maggie                   



A podiatrist here in Iraq                                   
Claims his skill is based on a knack,                       
For straightening toes                                      
With the tip of his nose --                                 
But a few people think him a quack.                         
                                                            
40392 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Norm Storer         P0209



Doctors of Med education                                    
Face spelling and Rx situation,                             
In a way uniform,                                           
They use cuneiform                                          
To hid defects of their vocation.                           
                                                            
40393 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Chris Papa               



When my doctor writes a prescription,                       
His script is beyond description.                           
The pharmacist must guess,                                  
"Is that a 'p' or an 's'?"                                  
It's an exercise in decryption.                             
                                                            
40394 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Norm Brust               



I declared to my doctor, "Look here,                        
My old prostate is swollen, I fear."                        
But the imbecile said,                                      
"It's all in your head,"                                    
And proceeded to finger my ear.                             
                                                            
40395 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Don Moore           P0107



Slim developed a pain in his back                           
And when treated, you'd hear his bones crack.               
Though twisted and bent,                                    
This astonishing gent                                       
Enjoyed the Rx of a quack.                                  
                                                            
40396 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Edwin J Weinstein        



In the windowless room while I wait                         
After sigmo and cysto -- too late?                          
With the laying of hands                                    
And fingers on glands,                                      
I recall QUACK is his vanity plate.                         
                                                            
40397 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Robert V. Davis     P9704



The surgeons must read so that they'll                      
Keep abreast of each tiny detail.                           
As I lay on the table,                                      
I was feeling unstable,                                     
'Cause my surgeon was reading in Braille.                   
                                                            
40398 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Al Willis           P9704



Yesterday the hand surgeon said,                            
For two days please stay in your bed.                       
And wear this arm band,                                     
It will keep your hand,                                     
Up in the air over your head.                               
                                                            
40399 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                               



Now I'm in this ridiculous pose;                            
I can't sleep or even just doze.                            
I need help to dress,                                       
And clean up my mess,                                       
But at least I can pick my own nose.                        
                                                            
40400 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                               



It sounds like your doctor's a quack,                       
But while you're confined to your back,                     
Please do me a favor                                        
And let me now savor                                        
The taste of your twat for a snack.                         
                                                            
40401 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                               



The doctor said, "Jane, I've bad news;                      
I've cut off your legs; please excuse                       
Me. I am so sorry;                                          
The good news is Florrie,                                   
My nurse, paid ten bucks for your shoes.                    
                                                            
40402 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Travis Brasell           



A German trichologist said,                                 
Impatiently scratching his head,                            
"I hate my name Fritz,                                      
It's the absolute pits;                                     
Will you call me Herr Doktor instead."                      
                                                            
40403 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT                               



There was a queer doctor from Putney,                       
Who told a young man that his cut knee                      
Would heal quicker if treated                               
With a poultice of heated                                   
Asparagus powder and chutney.                               
                                                            
40404 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Alexander Baron          



A doctor who made a prognosis                               
Said, "Madame, 'tis my diagnosis                            
You have a touch                                            
Of flu in the crutch."                                      
He was wrong - it was myxomatosis!                          
                                                            
40405 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INEPT      Spike Milligan      P0108



There once was an intern named Homer                        
Who admitted his one-millionth Gomer.                       
He had fevers and chills                                    
And took thrity-eight pills                                 
And some blackish stuff oozed from his stoma.               
(gomer - get out of my emergency room)                      
40406 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



He had recently had several faints                          
And unspecified gastric complaints.                         
In the name of what's holy,                                 
He'd pulled out his Foley,                                  
And chewed through the leather restraints.                  
                                                            
40407 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



On exam, he was markedly dyspneic,    (short of breath)     
Cyanotic, demented, tachypneic,       (breathing fast)      
He had tabes dorsalis                 (tertiary syphyllis)  
And smelled like Vitalis                                    
And had a remarkably stiff neck.      (meningitis symptom)  
                                                            
40408 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



He had Kernig's sign and Brudzinski's  (menigitis symptoms) 
With bilateral blooming Babinskis.     (bad nuerology)      
When you tapped on his nose,                                
He wiggled his toes,                                        
And clubbing was seen in his pinkies.  (low oxygen chronic) 
                                                            
40409 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



His sodium was one-eleven.                                  
His potaassium came back at seven.                          
His bicarb was late,                                        
But his pH was eight,                                       
And his B.U.N. one-ninety-seven.  (metabolic abnormalities) 
                                                            
40410 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



At Nurse Nightengale's urgent request,                      
Homer fitted him with a vest.       (Posey restraint vest)  
The patient lost heart,                                     
Gave a thunderous fart,                                     
And settled his brains for a rest.                          
                                                            
40411 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



Homer called the attending, McSnappum,                      
Who uttered just three words: "Let's tap him." (spinal tap) 
It took twenty-three tries.                                 
Homer thought, tears in eyes,                               
"If McSnappum were here, I would slap him."                 
                                                            
40412 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



The CSF Tech, name of Herm,     (cerebrospinal fluid tech)  
Paged Homer with news of the germ.                          
"There's nine million cells                                 
And it certainly smells                                     
And I've spotted a few motile sperm."                       
                                                            
40413 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



Just then some disaster embolic   (blood clot breaks loose) 
Rendered Homer's old gnome asystolic.    (no heart beat)    
Though they paged Dr. Shronds,                              
He slipped earth's surly bonds                              
And skipped off to pastures bucolic.                        
                                                            
40414 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



"Harumph!" said T. Rosborous, reddening,                    
"Your clinical skills must be deadening.                    
Next time you must check                                    
On the veins in his neck,  (check signs of fluid overload)  
And chelate all of the lead in him."                        
                                                            
40415 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



A medical student named Hetrick                             
Is learned in matters obstetric.                            
From a glance at the toes,                                  
Of the mother, he knows                                     
If the foetus's balls are symmetric.                        
                                                            
40416 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS                        L0932



A medical student from Burke                                
Had tackle that just wouldn't work;                         
Though luscious and massive,                                
Could only stay passive                                     
And drove every night-nurse berserk.                        
                                                            
40417 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Hugh Oliver         A108A



On hearing the case, Terry Rosborous                        
Said quietly, "What was the phosphorous?"                   
"We checked it for fun--                                    
It was zero-point-one,"                                     
Mumbled Homer. "We thought it preposterous."                
                                                            
40418 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - INTERNS    Cliff Packer        P9311



Abdominal misery had Spurgeon;                              
His pains from appendix did burgeon.                        
To most men on this earth                                   
No appendix has worth,                                      
But it's valued quite high by a surgeon.                    
                                                            
40419 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2803



The near-bankrupt Doctor Von Bursis                         
Depended on registered nurses.                              
Though a man in his prime,                                  
He used his free time                                       
To check not their bods, but their purses.                  
                                                            
40420 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Tucker D. Ott       P9001



The elegant swan does attract us,                           
Though sometimes his manners distract us.                   
Like his action so crass                                    
With his bill up his ass --                                 
It's a trick that a doctor should practice.                 
                                                            
40421 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2938



Here's some advice that's first class,                      
Applying to doctors en masse --                             
They should swans emulate,                                  
And their stock will inflate;                               
They should all shove their bills up their ass.             
                                                            
40422 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1993



The doctor has talents so varied,                           
But his patients are worried and harried,                   
For their cure is protracted                                
Till their cash is extracted,                               
And mistakes are conveniently buried.                       
                                                            
40423 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Albin Chaplin 3024  P9704



There was a poor fellow named Will,                         
A doctor's call made him quite ill.                         
It wasn't the prescription                                  
That caused the conniption;                                 
He died when he opened the bill!                            
                                                            
40424 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Jean H. Gimbut      P9202



Said the Doc to the sick patient, Lear,                     
"In six months, you'll unlikely be here."                   
Says Lear, "Can't pay my bill                               
'Cause my cash flow is nil."                                
Says the Doc, "I'll extend you a year!"                     
                                                            
40425 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Observer                 



Poor Will had a devilish plight;                            
Said doc, "Don't be so uptight."                            
Said Will, "It's not funny;                                 
I can't pay you the money."                                 
Now guess who's not feeling quite right?                    
                                                            
40426 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Edwin J Weinstein        



The doctors have learned all the tricks;                    
The ear, nose, and throat how to fix.                       
And for ten bucks a grunt,                                  
They will look at a cunt                                    
And make fortunes from assholes and pricks.                 
                                                            
40427 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2344



Those doctors who cut up your guts                          
Are out for the money, not nuts.                            
When they scrape out your pooper,                           
It's the dough they find super:                             
The MONEY!--no if's, and's, or but's!                       
                                                            
40428 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY                          G1397



A patient of old Dr. Gilmore                                
Asked, "Why, when you charge, do you bill more?"            
The old doctor replied,                                     
"They can't pay when they've died,                          
And lately I find that I kill more."                        
                                                            
40429 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2591



When nine out of ten use brand A                            
To keep a headache away.                                    
Why does the other                                          
Prefer still another,                                       
Or wasn't he offered the pay?                               
                                                            
40430 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Edwin J Weinstein        



A Bronx plastic surgeon named Roark                         
Can double the length of your dork.                         
At a thousand an inch,                                      
The doc is a cinch                                          
To own the whole town of New York.                          
                                                            
40431 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY                          P8305



The doctor is certain I will                                
Never choke when I'm trying to fill                         
My stomach with food,                                       
But he does find it rude                                    
If I choke when I'm reading his bill.                       
                                                            
40432 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Charlie Roe              



Sven, a doctor with many degrees,                           
Who worked hard and charged nominal fees,                   
Said, "I sadly discern,                                     
That some lazy slobs earn                                   
What I do, and with much greater ease!                      
                                                            
40433 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Sal R                    



When I go to the doc, he does sieze,                        
And I hope he enjoys what he sees.                          
As over I turn,                                             
And he looks with concern,                                  
But I fear that he only fee sees.                           
                                                            
40434 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2701



A famous old surgeon named Sill,                            
Say his patients, while treating the ill,                   
Does not at this juncture                                   
Employ acupuncture.                                         
He sticks them, instead, with his bill.                     
                                                            
40435 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      X                   P8305



A doctor chases ills                                        
With multitudes of pills,                                   
And makes you feel                                          
Alive and real                                              
Until you see his bills.                                    
                                                            
40436 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY                          P8305



A homeopath from Darjeeling                                 
Was dedicated to healing.                                   
But now at one stroke                                       
He's bankrupt and broke,                                    
'Cause he never charged more than one sheeling.             
                                                            
40437 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - MONEY      Spike Mulligan           



In the post-Christian age it's regressional,                
But the need for the shrink is obsessional.                 
With some patients, at least,                               
He's supplanted the priest,                                 
And the couch is the modern confessional.                   
                                                            
40438 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    A. N. Wilkins       P9201



All physicians when known as "the late,"                    
On arriving at the Pearly Gate,                             
Must be seen and then judged.                               
Since God's schedule won't budge,                           
They'll be forced to wait, wait, wait, and wait.            
                                                            
40439 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



While waiting her turn to be seen,                          
She re-read her third magazine.                             
And from what she had learned,                              
She discovered what turned                                  
Her urine to bright Kelly green.                            
                                                            
40440 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Edwin J Weinstein        



I hurried so, not to be late                                
To discover what is my fate.                                
The doc does not care                                       
How long you sit there,                                     
If he's not the one that must wait.                         
                                                            
40441 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Marlene Lewis            



"I've got this terrible pain in my head."                   
"Fill out the form", the nurse said.                        
"But by the time I get through                              
With page one-hundred and two,                              
Both you and I will be dead!"                               
                                                            
40442 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Edwin J Weinstein        



Moaned an analyst, bent in a crouch,                        
As he grabbed at his genitals, "Ouch!                       
It's only for science                                       
I screw female clients--                                    
But really, I need a new couch!"                            
                                                            
40443 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Norm Storer         P9201



There once was a doctor named Clancy                        
Who lived on lower Delancy.                                 
Though the office seemed spare,                             
He gave very good care,                                     
Though the treatment he gave wasn't fancy.                  
                                                            
40444 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Edwin J Weinstein        



To the doctor came sickly Miss Proctor,                     
He stepped into the room and unfrocked her.                 
But the doc looked so rotten,                               
That her ills were forgotten --                             
She felt better on seeing the doctor.                       
                                                            
40445 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Albin Chaplin       P0105



While awaiting your turn to be seen,                        
Your engrossed in some old magazine,                        
When the nurse calls your name.                             
You look up in disdain,                                     
Thinking thoughts that are almost obscene.                  
                                                            
40446 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Edwin J Weinstein        



The patients were lined up in rows,                         
Depressed with all of their woes.                           
Yet their doctor, it seems,                                 
Teed off on the greens.                                     
Why they stayed?  Nobody knows.                             
                                                            
40447 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Edwin J Weinstein        



The doctor said be there at eight;                          
And woe unto me if I'm late.                                
But at quarter to nine,                                     
I was still in the line.                                    
The doc had too much on his plate.                          
                                                            
40448 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES                             



On this spot at great building will rise                    
Where doctors will optomitrize.                             
It may not be pretty,                                       
But here in the city,                                       
It will be a site for sore eyes.                            
                                                            
40449 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Norm Storer              



The doctor's receptionist, Kate,                            
Has not been receptive of late.                             
Her vibrating phone                                         
Is making her moan,                                         
Not clients who can't keep a date.                          
                                                            
40450 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Frank Sfa                



Well, what is a poor girl to do                             
With her doctor's appointment at two?                       
Then is barely alive                                        
When examined at five,                                      
And told, "It's only the flu."                              
                                                            
40451 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - OFFICES    Edwin J Weinstein        



A proctology team from Amos,                                
Lost in space said, "You really can't blame us.             
No matter how hard we try,                                  
To find our way in the sky,                                 
We always wind up at Uranus.                                
                                                            
40452 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the nurse to the patient, "Now hear's                  
A magazine to give you cheers!                              
Please anticipate                                           
A very short wait...                                        
Proctologist is in arrears!"                                
                                                            
40453 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Observer                 



"He'd been far 'behind' the whole summer;                   
It was known in the bars, he's a slummer."                  
The patient retorted,                                       
"He should be reported --                                   
His treatment of me's a real bummer.!                       
                                                            
40454 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Observer                 



After launching his 'scope homeward-bound,                  
A proctologist needs a blood-hound                          
And a fine tactile sense                                    
To tell the difference                                      
'Twixt his ass and a hole in the ground.                    
                                                            
40455 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Arthur Deex         P9106



Proctologists meeting en masse                              
Agreed on extolling the ass:                                
"It may be a monkey's                                       
Or even a donkey's,                                         
But if it's an ass, it's got class!"                        
                                                            
40456 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Pierce Evans             



The proctologist said, "I'd adore a kiss."                  
And then told his wife, "I need more of this.               
All this probing in guts,                                   
Makes a fellow feel nuts;                                   
It's just been a bad day at the orifice."                   
                                                            
40457 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Bob Giandomenico    P8803



The preacher, a fisher of men,                              
Became a bum doctor, and then,                              
He dispensed with the prayer                                
And is into healthcare.                                     
Now he looks into fissures of men.                          
                                                            
40458 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Al Willis           P9704



In view of the patient apostate,                            
The medical world is a tossed state.                        
But once he has sacked                                      
His physician in fact,                                      
Is the guy going to check his own prostate?                 
                                                            
40459 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     A N Wilkins         P9107



Enduring a rectal exam,                                     
Colonscope so cold I scream "Damn!"                         
He'll push and he'll pull it,                               
I'll just bite the bullet,                                  
And be greatful I don't have to cram.                       
                                                            
40460 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Eleanor Pontiuse         



"You're going to feel a large prick,                        
But it will be over quite quick,"                           
Said Fred the proctologist,                                 
And part-time zoologist,                                    
Then slid in his twelve inch horse dick.                    
                                                            
40461 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Jon Gearhart             



While face down in a bent over position,                    
Said the gent to his stalwart physician,                    
"I can't seem to figure                                     
How your finger gets bigger                                 
When you examine my prostate condition."                    
                                                            
40462 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Edwin J Weinstein        



A Dutch proctologist named Mike                             
Had his thumb out, trying to hitchhike.                     
He was offered a ride                                       
By a lesbian bride;                                         
Now his finger is stuck in a dike!                          
                                                            
40463 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO                              



The views that proctologists get                            
Are some they would rather forget;                          
In light of their fees,                                     
Such aspects may please --                                  
Forgetting may come, but not yet.                           
                                                            
40464 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     R. J. Winkler       P8503



A proctologist name of McGee                                
Once bent over double to see                                
An eyeball of glass,                                        
He'd shoved up his ass.                                     
"So I can see one that looks back at me."                   
                                                            
40465 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO                              



Look out for a doctor named Coulder                         
Who is getting bolder and bolder,                           
When he shouts "Wham!                                       
During a rectal exam,                                       
And you'll feel a hand on each shoulder.                    
                                                            
40466 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Tom Patton          P9606



A prostate malfunction suspected,                           
A digital exam was suggested.                               
"Spread cheeks and bend over,                               
While this tool I do cover."                                
"Why can't this be analog inspected?"                       
                                                            
40467 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Bob Watson               



Said the patient as he became bolder,                       
"I hate this more as I grow older.                          
And, mind what you do                                       
'Cause I swear that I'll sue                                
If I feel more'n one hand on my shoulder.                   
                                                            
40468 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Keith Lehman             



My hand puppet gave me some sass.                           
"Proctologists like you are crass!"                         
I replied I was not.                                        
Said the puppet, "You've got                                
Your whole God-damned hand up my ass!"                      
                                                            
40469 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     John Dohner         P8802



My doctor thinks I'm a bit gay;                             
He examined my prostate one day.                            
He inserted the digit,                                      
Don't know how he did it                                    
Holding both my hands out of the way.                       
                                                            
40470 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Echo                     



This little light of mine,                                  
I'm gonna let it shine.                                     
My proctologist,                                            
Inserting his fist,                                         
Left his flashlight up in my behind.                        
                                                            
40471 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO                              



There was an old doctor of Vere,                            
Whose forte was Disease of the Rear.                        
He treatment was crude,                                     
And forthrightly lewd,                                      
But suppose he were treating the ear!                       
                                                            
40472 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO                         G1075



It's amazing the way that technology                        
Has influenced the art of proctology.                       
Once a grope quite unsure,                                  
Now a video tour,                                           
Like a trip up the Nile--Egyptology.                        
                                                            
40473 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Martin Wellborn     P9107



As he stood at the rear of a trollop,                       
The proctologist smeared a large dollop                     
Of pomade on his glans,                                     
"Up the rear with no hands                                  
Will surely," he said, "Whack a polyp."                     
                                                            
40474 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A lover of assholes, McGurk,                                
Was shamed many times for his quirk.                        
So a doc he became.                                         
Now he feels without shame                                  
Every ass, and he's paid for his work.                      
                                                            
40475 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Albin Chaplin   3024-0534



But a change overcame Doc McGurk;                           
A pussy would send him berserk!                             
Now he tugs and he wrenches                                 
At the pussies of wenches                                   
And goes off in his pants at his work.                      
                                                            
40476 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Albin Chaplin   3024-0535



Touchy I was yesterday.                                     
About that I have this to say:                              
My damn proctologist                                        
Thinks he's a monologist.                                   
I'm touchy -- he made me that way.                          
                                                            
40477 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Frank Fazed              



It happens as we get older;                                 
"Climb up -- put a foot in each holder."                    
Then your biggest fear                                      
As he probes your rear,                                     
He's got one hand on each shoulder.                         
                                                            
40478 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     MrMalo                   



If not now, then surely one day,                            
We're poked by the doc, anyway.                             
But at least one                                            
Of us can have fun,                                         
If the doctor who pokes us is gay!                          
                                                            
40479 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Karen                    



A Psychiatrist and Proctologist from Stutz                  
Really did show lots of guts.                               
They erected a sign                                         
At 4th Street and Vine,                                     
Saying "We Treat Nuts And Buts!"                            
                                                            
40480 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Duncan Cline             



A proctologist once, name of Bends,                         
Along with psychiatrist friends                             
Had an office in common,                                    
But not the phenomon;                                       
The sign said we treat odds and ends.                       
                                                            
40481 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Fred Cohen          P8503



Though it doesn't seem nice to suspect 'em,                 
Physicians are weird--I detect 'em!                         
They have fallen in love                                    
With that greased rubber glove                              
They delightedly shove up your rectum.                      
                                                            
40482 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     John E Mayhood     P9706 



To Ron said proctologist Cooper,                            
"I can see what is causing your stupor.                     
This revolting disease                                      
Will bring men to their knees --                            
It's a case of Ortega in Pooper."                           
                                                            
40483 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Phil Cannibal       P9001



A urologist named Dr. Pee,                                  
Has a dart board you've just got to see.                    
If your aim doesn't miss,                                   
And a bulls-eye you piss,                                   
He will do your appointment for free!                       
                                                            
40484 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Cap'n Bean               



In the Klondike, old prospector Lloyds                      
Suffers strange anal pains when he voids.                   
The doctor checked there                                    
And said, "This case is rare;                               
What you have seems to be polaroids."                       
                                                            
40485 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Bob Giandomenico    P8803



Males are supplied with at birth;                           
Most avoid for all they are worth.                          
The probe that is manned                                    
By the doctors glad hand,                                   
Let him reach for that prostate glands berth.               
                                                            
40486 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO                              



A proctologist, Doctor Mc Grass,                            
Lost a match to a jerk with no class.                       
The jerk made so much noise                                 
That the doc, losing poise,                                 
Rammed his finger right up the jerk's ass.                  
                                                            
40487 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     William N. Nesbit   P9511



Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,                           
Has invented a new kind of car.                             
With a tank full of shit                                    
There's no stopping it--                                    
For short trips, two poots take you far.                    
                                                            
40488 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO                         G1352



Proctologists look up a hole                                
That many don't care to patrol;                             
It's a scary dark place                                     
With a puckered up face,                                    
That most wouldn't touch with a pole.                       
                                                            
40489 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Cap'n Bean          P9812



Said Dr. Blum, a West Virginian                             
While he examined Dan O'Binion,                             
"You may well get the fidgets                               
When I insert two digits,                                   
But YOU asked for a second opinion.                         
                                                            
40490 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Tom Patton          P9704



The worst is the Sigmoido scan.                             
You kneel as though you're an Islam.                        
You Jesus implore                                           
Or 'borach a toh' (blessing)                                
As slowly the flashlight they ram.                          
                                                            
40491 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Irving Superior     P8804



As over the table you bend,                                 
In your colon his finger will wend.                         
Though you squirm and you twist,                            
It's no use to resist.                                      
The proctologist wins in the end.                           
                                                            
40492 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Bob Giandomenico    P8803



When the Doc does a rectal exam,                            
And his digit goes into your ham,                           
He is standing up close                                     
And the smell is real gross.                                
"Next time, take a shower, Goddamn!"                        
                                                            
40493 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Al Willis          TP9804



It's amazing how closely technology                         
Mimics the art of proctology.                               
One must without fail                                       
Taking bull by the tail,                                    
Face the problem without an apology.                        
(And address, face to face, methodology.)                   
40494 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Arthur Deex         P8803



A handsome proctologist, Hugh,                              
And a cute gynecologist, Sue,                               
Once met face to face,                                      
In an intimate place,                                       
But it had the most terrible view.                          
                                                            
40495 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Ed Potts            P8503



There still is the persistent rumor                         
About Dr. Blum's sense of humor.                            
If you've prostate cancer,                                  
He'll say, "Take your stance, sir,"                         
And then he will tickle your tumor.                         
                                                            
40496 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Tom Patton          P9704



Said my proctologist, old Dr. Seuss:                        
"Saints! Your cavity's loose!                               
Tighten that sphincter                                      
On my lubed and gloved finger,                              
Or I'll wrap that 'roid 'round a noose!"                    
                                                            
40497 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO                              



The proctologist, finger in ass,                            
Said, "Jon, we have reached an impasse.                     
This check can't continue                                   
Until there is in you                                       
A lot less odiferous gas."                                  
                                                            
40498 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Jon Gearhart             



So letting one rip, a bit crass,                            
And lacking my normal high class,                           
I said, "Listen Doc,                                        
I think that's a crock --                                   
Don't be such a pain in the ass."                           
                                                            
40499 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Jon Gearhart             



With a prostate I went to Doc Hooter;                       
"We will operate!" said the old looter.                     
But now I am sore;                                          
Pee worse than before.                                      
I think I should have tried Roto-Rooter.                    
                                                            
40500 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Clarence E. Boyle   P8704



Because of his optic attrition,                             
The proctologist made a decision:                           
"I will try to correct                                      
This annoying defect,                                       
That my eye doctor calls tunnel vision."                    
                                                            
40501 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - PROCTO     Keith Gilman        P0109



To the doctor went itchy Miss Fern,                         
For the itch in her cunt caused concern.                    
She was strapped with a cable                               
To the hospital table,                                      
And the interns all fucked her in turn.                     
                                                            
40502 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0442



A practicing young gynecologist                             
Was a cunningly shrewd ideologist.                          
Thought he "Anesthesia                                      
Will bring on amnesia,                                      
And the patient will never recall a tryst!"                 
                                                            
40503 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Anon                     



To his nurse said the famous physician                      
In the throes of illicit coition,                           
"Though it's getting quite late,                            
Let the damned patients wait...                             
Now, assume the knee-chest position..."                     
                                                            
40504 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Grand Prix Lim  696 P8305



Said a crafty old doctor named Hammon:                      
"Impotence is getting too common.                           
Pills, oysters, and honey                                   
Are sheer waste of money.                                   
What works, is to bed a fresh woman."                       
                                                            
40505 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                       G2695



A randy young resident surgeon,                             
Explored student nurses, not virgin.                        
Sweet love they'd enable                                    
On the O.R. table,                                          
Which brought her big belly to burgeon.                     
                                                            
40506 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Chris Papa               



A doctor of X-rays named Park                               
Begat more offspring than a shark.                          
When asked as to why,                                       
He was heard to reply,                                      
"I do my best work in the dark!"                            
                                                            
40507 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Macsam                   



There was a young lady named Bly                            
Whose blood pressure shot up so high                        
That she went to a doctor                                   
Who unfrocked and upknocked her,                            
And said that her blood was to dry.                         
                                                            
40508 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                       P8305



When the old maid was fucked by the doc,                    
She relapsed into rapturous shock,                          
Then she fucked him so hard,                                
He was caught off his guard,                                
And he fractured the bone in his cock.                      
                                                            
40509 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0435



"Nurse Hortense!  Please close the damn door!"              
Yelled Chief-of-Staff Dr. LeFlore,                          
"I'm trying to boff!"                                       
So she pushed him off,                                      
And closed the door, just like before.                      
                                                            
40510 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



When a certain young randy physician                        
Gets a girl in the stirrup position,                        
The horrible fact is                                        
His medical practice                                        
Is perfect -- by common admission.                          
                                                            
40511 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   John E Maywood      P9805



There was an old lady of France,                            
Who said to the doctor, "Perchance                          
Can you cure my depression?"                                
He said, "Yes, in one session,                              
And the cure is right here in my pants!"                    
                                                            
40512 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1340



Said the lady, after taking the cure,                       
"Depressions I cannot endure.                               
Just for added protection,                                  
I will need an injection                                    
Every week, without fail, to be sure."                      
                                                            
40513 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1341



The horny young doctor was loath                            
To bypass Hypocrates' oath.                                 
But when girls undressed,                                   
He sure did his best                                        
To cure 'em or dick 'em or both.                            
                                                            
40514 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Tucker D. Ott       P9001



There was an old maid named of Frick                        
Who said to the doc she was sick.                           
The doc was no slouch;                                      
He said, "Lie on the couch!"                                
And he cured her complaint with his prick.                  
                                                            
40515 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1343



The noted psychiatrist Schick                               
Discovered old maids were not sick,                         
When they came for advice,                                  
So he charged a small price                                 
And he cured all their ills with his prick.                 
                                                            
40516 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1387



There was a young lady of Ryde,                             
Whose sexual feelings had died.                             
She went to the doctor                                      
Who promptly unfrocked her,                                 
And told her to spread her legs wide.                       
                                                            
40517 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



After using his fingers for stroking,                       
And prodding and prying and poking,                         
He said with a grin,                                        
"Did you feel me go in?"                                    
She said, "No but my panties are soaking!"                  
                                                            
40518 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



Still grinning he said, "Only moose                         
Have vaginas so floppy and loose.                           
Your G-spot is worn                                         
And your clitoris torn.                                     
Diagnosis? Vibrator abuse."                                 
                                                            
40519 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



"If you leave it alone for a bit,"                          
Said the doc as he fondled her tit,                         
"And return in a week,                                      
Then I'll give you a tweak,                                 
Just to check on the state of your clit."                   
                                                            
40520 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



"But doctor," she said, "I don't use                        
A vibrator to aid self-abuse.                               
I find that drilling                                        
Bananas are thrilling,                                      
And carrots I like to misuse."                              
                                                            
40521 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



"No wonder," he said, "you feel numb."                      
As he rubbed on her clit with his thumb.                    
"What you need for a treat                                  
Is a length of my meat;                                     
A prescrption for making you come!"                         
                                                            
40522 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



Remember that lady from Ryde                                
Who has lost all her feeling inside,                        
For the numbing woes                                        
Of assorted dildoes,                                        
And the treatmen her doctor prescribed.                     
                                                            
40523 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



"Please assure me," she said, "Is it true                   
That you're licensed to give me a screw?"                   
And in answer he said,                                      
As he led her to bed,                                       
"It's the ethical treatment for you!"                       
                                                            
40524 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



"Well, don't be too rough with me, doc"                     
She remarked as she lifted her frock,                       
"'Cause although I'm used                                   
To banana abuse,                                            
My vagina has never known cock."                            
                                                            
40525 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



So he started by screwing her slow.                         
"Do you feel that?", he asked. She said "No.                
But I think that I need                                     
You to increase your speed."                                
So the doctor just let himself go.                          
                                                            
40526 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



He grabbed her and rammed it inside                         
And for ninety-five minutes he tried,                       
Till he came with a grunt                                   
And said, "How's your cunt?"                                
She said, "Numb!" And he lay back and cried.                
                                                            
40527 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



"I'm sorry," he said with remorse,                          
"But I think we should try a new course.                    
Outside in the stable                                       
We'll see if you're able                                    
To come when you're screwed by a horse."                    
                                                            
40528 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



So she tried it with chestnuts and grays,                   
In a hundred and one different ways.                        
"Did you come?", said the doc,                              
As he played with his cock,                                 
While the horses collapsed in a daze.                       
                                                            
40529 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



"I felt a small twinge," she confessed,                     
"When those stallions gave me their best,                   
But 'twas only a spasm                                      
And not an orgasm."                                         
The doc said, "You'd better get dressed."                   
                                                            
40530 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



So sad and unhappy she seemed,                              
When a thought struck the doctor; he beamed.                
He stuffed in her socket                                    
A fireworks rocket                                          
And lit it. "I'm coming!", she screamed.                    
                                                            
40531 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Peter Wilkins            



A lady from York, Pennsylvania,                             
Was treated for mild dipsomania.                            
She screwed her physicians                                  
In eight new positions,                                     
Prognosis is now nymphomania.                               
                                                            
40532 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



There once was a doctor named Proctor                       
And he was a hell of a doctor.                              
Things really got worse                                     
When he hit on his nurse --                                 
The verdict was: Dr. Pr. Fr.                                
                                                            
40533 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Neal Wilgus         P8305



A lascivious lady named Proctor,                            
Was obsessed with the cock of her doctor.                   
She said, "if we don't screw,                               
I'll claim harm and I'll sue."                              
So the doctor gave in and he foctor.                        
                                                            
40534 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Wormdirt           TP9804



A lady depressed was Miss Finches;                          
She'd been in too many tight pinches.                       
Said the doctor, "You'll find                               
I've a cure for your bind.                                  
I will sink in my shaft for six inches!"                    
                                                            
40535 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1336



To the doc went a lady named Flo;                           
Her blackheads and pimples did show.                        
Said the doe, with reflection,                              
"You will need an injection."                               
So he gave her four fucks in a row.                         
                                                            
40536 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0143



A lady depressed was Miss Crockett;                         
Each eye was sunk deep in its socket.                       
Said the doctor, "I'm sure                                  
I can find you your cure,                                   
And I have it right here in my pocket."                     
                                                            
40537 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1323



In his pocket she placed her hand bony,                     
And she said to the doctor, "You phoney!                    
Can this shriveled up weiner                                
Reconstruct my demeanor?"                                   
But it grew to a full-length baloney.                       
                                                            
40538 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1324



"Lie down," said the doc to Miss Crockett,                  
"I wish to examine your socket."                            
Then he spread her legs wide                                
And got on for the ride,                                    
And he blasted away like a rocket.                          
                                                            
40539 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1325



Miss Crockett's depression was gone;                        
With a light that was bright, her eyes shone.               
The baloney was in                                          
All the way to her chin,                                    
And he fucked her right through until dawn.                 
                                                            
40540 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1326



The doctor then gave her advice --                          
One treatment would never suffice.                          
To insure some protection,                                  
A baloney injection                                         
She must take every week, once or twice.                    
                                                            
40541 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1327



After having this wonderful tilt,                           
Miss Crockett had feelings of guilt.                        
So she went to a priest                                     
Who was hung like a beast,                                  
And he straightened her out 'neath the quilt.               
                                                            
40542 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin 3024  G1166



To the doctor went old lady Linkter                         
And he plunged up her asshole and clinked her.              
When she had a conniption,                                  
He explained this prescription                              
Was not cheap, but was good for the sphincter.              
                                                            
40543 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0937



A doctor who works in Centralia                             
Was blessed with superb genitalia.                          
Achieving erection,                                         
He said, "This injection                                    
Is good for whatever might ail ya!"                         
                                                            
40544 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                       P8305



"Young lady, you have an infection,"                        
Said the Doc, feeling quite an erection.                    
But he knew what was best,                                  
For she soon was undressed                                  
And receiving a massive injection.                          
                                                            
40545 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Don Moore           P9704



A versatile pusher of pills                                 
Has an Rx for maidenly ills.                                
He whips out his caduceus                                   
And tries to seduce us --                                   
And Blue Cross/Blue Shield get the bills.                   
                                                            
40546 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Arthur Deex         P8305



The check-up had no outside proctor,                        
Being done by a medical doctor.                             
The girl, without stress,                                   
Did quickly undress                                         
But squirmed when he suddenly cocked her.                   
                                                            
40547 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Tucker D. Ott       P9001



The doctor was able to stir                                 
New life into nervous Miss Kerr.                            
He applied all his skills                                   
For ten weeks to her ills,                                  
Then she found that he should have paid her.                
                                                            
40548 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0763



To the Doc went a whore name of Lancet,                     
For her pussy was raunchy and rancid.                       
As he pulled out his prick,                                 
Said the Doc, "It looks sick,                               
And it smells pretty bad, but I'll chance it."              
                                                            
40549 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1728



He heard maiden's heart thump quicker,                      
Which only made him rise thicker.                           
She seized him, my dears,                                   
By both of his ears,                                        
Saying, "This is how I hold my liquor."                     
                                                            
40550 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Chris Papa               



A horny young doctor named Fife                             
Sure leads an improbable life.                              
He daily rehearses                                          
With hot nubile nurses                                      
What nightly he does to his wife.                           
                                                            
40551 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Armand E Singer       384



While checking the cunt of Miss Drew,                       
The doctor tried one inch, then two.                        
Said Miss Drew, without merriment,                          
"Please forget the experiment --                            
You can shove in the prick and let's screw."                
                                                            
40552 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0118



Nympho Venus, who hailed from Salinas,                      
Had a thing for a medical penis.                            
When M.D.'s gave her shots,                                 
It would heighten her hots,                                 
And a doc might then try intra-Venus.                       
                                                            
40553 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



The doctor examined Miss Queen,                             
The dirtiest whore he had seen.                             
He exclaimed, "I have not                                   
Seen so dirty a twat.                                       
Hold still while I first lick it clean."                    
                                                            
40554 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0871



They've brought charges against Doctor Gray.                
He had sex with some patients, they say.                    
If he get convicted,                                        
As they predicted,                                          
We'll lose the best vet in Green Bay.                       
                                                            
40555 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                       P8305



"Miss Jones", said the surgeon, "I see                      
You're now due for a check-up with me.                      
Will you show me your minge,                                
While I warm my syringe;                                    
I'll prescribe this new treatment for free."                
                                                            
40556 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



Your minor vaginal correction                               
Is due for a further inspection;                            
Ah - just as I thought;                                     
It's OK, but you ought                                      
To be given another injection."                             
                                                            
40557 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



To the doc went a lady named Kate,                          
Her oversize shape to abate.                                
Said the doctor, "By chance                                 
I've some fruit in my pants --                              
This banana will gain you no weight."                       
                                                            
40558 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0836



It's fun to play 'Doctor and Nurse'                         
(Especially when it's perverse).                            
Doc makes me say 'Ahhh'                                     
As he undoes my bra;                                        
After that we do not much converse.                         
                                                            
40559 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Jeanie Taylor            



A thorough old doctor named Hugh                            
Was checking a girl for the flu.                            
Though she seemed to be well                                
And as sound as a bell,                                     
When he banged her, she did not ring true.                  
                                                            
40560 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-0204



A G-Y-N doctor named Dole                                   
Examined a woman from Seoul;                                
Upon his inspection,                                        
He got an erection,                                         
And screwed her, quite out of control.                      
                                                            
40561 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Cap'n Bean               



"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Skinner."                      
(The Doc had the eyes of a sinner.)                         
"We'll see what you've got,                                 
So don't be distraught."                                    
"But Doc, do you plan to buy dinner?"                       
                                                            
40562 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Al Willis                



A patient of young Doctor Proctor,                          
Didn't mind when he swiftly unfrocter.                      
Nor did his technique,                                      
Give her reason to squeak,                                  
Until after she found he'd upknockter.                      
                                                            
40563 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



A kindly old doctor named Grover,                           
Once said, "I am clearly in clover.                         
Not being a fool,                                           
I use my own tool,                                          
Whenever I'm probing for ova."                              
                                                            
40564 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Isaac Asimov             



He examined with exquisite skill                            
The call girl who'd come to him ill,                        
Both downside and skinside,                                 
Both outside and inside,                                    
They each sent the other a bill.                            
                                                            
40565 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Laurence Perrine    P8503



When examined, young Madeline Hamhocks                      
Was jabbed in the butt by two hard cocks.                   
She thought she was dreaming                                
But found from their scheming,                              
The answer a real pair-o-docs.                              
                                                            
40566 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Fredric Cohen       P8308



Then when she had stripped to her skin,                     
He dropped his own pants and thrust in.                     
"You see, I've a notion                                     
Reciprocal motion                                           
Will cure this condition you're in."                        
                                                            
40567 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Lance Payne         P8305



The doctor some bad news had broke                          
To the syphlitic whore when she woke                        
From his pelvic inspection,                                 
With his warty erection --                                  
And her health card he did revoke.                          
                                                            
40568 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Al Chaplin          P8604



I know a young medico, Hodges,                              
Whose penis, I've found, often lodges                       
In nurses and patients                                      
Who like its dilations,                                     
In curves, twists, and manifold dodges.                     
                                                            
40569 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                       G0359



There's the case of young Nellie McGrew,                    
Who suffered the symptoms of flu,                           
So she wanted to talk                                       
To her friendly old doc,                                    
Who always knew just what to do.                            
                                                            
40570 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



He described what he'd do in detail,                        
And then pretty young Nellie grew pale.                     
To be played with down there                                
Gave this patient a scare,                                  
And what if the treatment would fail.                       
                                                            
40571 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



But considering all of the facts                            
She wondered if she could relax.                            
The doc said, "Don't linger,                                
I've warmed up my finger,                                   
And I know about contours and cracks."                      
                                                            
40572 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



Young Nellie, a virginal maid,                              
Had never been fondled nor laid.                            
Closing tight her blue eyes                                 
She spread open her thighs                                  
As her fears began slowly to fade.                          
                                                            
40573 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



She felt a soft gentle caress                               
As Doc Shelly reached under her dress.                      
When he hit the right spot                                  
Our sweet Nellie got hot,                                   
And at this point she couldn't care less.                   
                                                            
40574 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



She felt she was high like on coke,                         
Then it seemed that her fever had broke.                    
She yelled "Holly shit!"                                    
When her orgasm hit,                                        
And she thought she had just had a stroke.                  
                                                            
40575 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



Both her legs were still up in the air                      
When she asked "What just happened down there?              
That was something all new,                                 
My God what did you do?                                     
Never mind, it felt good, I don't care!"                    
                                                            
40576 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



"I hope that your schedule's not booked,                    
Let me know what you've got once you've looked.             
I still feel quite delirious,                               
My condition's most serious,                                
On this treatment I think I am hooked."                     
                                                            
40577 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



In his book the doc took a quick peek,                      
"I can see you again in one week."                          
Then his treatment progressed,                              
As the doc got undressed-                                   
'Twas a pelvic exam, so to speak.                           
                                                            
40578 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



"Now Nellie, I want you to heed,                            
"I'm giving a shot that you need,"                          
Well the doc began moaning,                                 
That then turned to groaning,                               
And poor Mary had thought he had peed.                      
                                                            
40579 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



One day as our Nellie undressed,                            
She said, "I'm becoming obsessed                            
That my belly's grow larger,"                               
So the doc didn't charge 'er,                               
And said, "You are merely depressed."                       
                                                            
40580 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



Doc Shelly said then with a wink,                           
"On this pad I will write what I think,                     
For it's all in your head,"                                 
So I think that instead                                     
Of me you should go see this shrink."                       
                                                            
40581 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



Said the shrink, "No you're not a neurotic,                 
And you're hardly a raving psychotic.                       
It is not a delusion                                        
Nor crazy illusion,                                         
The cause of your swelling's erotic."                       
                                                            
40582 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



So she called up Doc Shelly and said,                       
"The shrink said it's not in my head,                       
But I wanted to mention,                                    
That I'm feeling some tension,                              
And I fear that I'll soon be quite dead."                   
                                                            
40583 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



Then the doc said, "That news is quite numbing,             
But I've sworn to attend to your plumbing.                  
So don't worry at all,                                      
For I'll make a house call,                                 
You'll not go, for I'll soon have you coming."              
                                                            
40584 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



Well, he skillfully dispelled her fears,                    
And her orgasm brought her to tears.                        
But she said with a grin,                                   
As the doctor slid in,                                      
"This treatment will likely take years."                    
                                                            
40585 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



So that was the story of Nellie,                            
And her care under old Doctor Shelly.                       
Diagnosis was made,                                         
And the doctor's been paid,                                 
But her cure caused a well-rounded belly.                   
                                                            
40586 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING                            



A highly-strung lady named Proctor,                         
Was checked by the cad who unfrocked her.                   
He said, "You're in great shape."                           
She said, "Don't stop, you ape!                             
It's a man I need now, not a doctor."                       
                                                            
40587 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1380



A harlot in Charlotte named Wade                            
Was badly upset and dismayed                                
By her doctor's big bill                                    
Which she's paying for still,                               
As he knocks off some weekly in trade.                      
                                                            
40588 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Grand Prix Lim  118      



The noted psychiatrist, Gluck,                              
Observed that some ladies were stuck                        
In the depths of depression,                                
So with learned discretion,                                 
He taught the old bitches to fuck.                          
                                                            
40589 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin   3024-1346



In a doctors' convention at Salk,                           
"Tits and Ass" was the topic for talk,                      
But the demo was live,                                      
So they slipped her a five,                                 
Lest as 'sexual object', she'd balk.                        
                                                            
40590 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Thomas A. Quinine   P8305



A buxom young nurse named Nancy,                            
Had the hots for a Doctor named Clancy.                     
But it wasn't his M.D.                                      
Which brought her to her knee,                              
'Twas his willie that captured her fancy.                   
                                                            
40591 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Stan                     



She had a date with the family Dr.                          
When she entered his car, he Unfr.                          
Going down Moonlight Dr.                                    
Their urge came Al.                                         
So, he dook down his pants and Fr.                          
                                                            
40592 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Ed Wolfert          P8305



There was an old maid in great pain;                        
To the doctor she went to complain.                         
He said nothing was wrong,                                  
But he pulled out his dong                                  
And he skillfully unplugged her drain.                      
                                                            
40593 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Albin Chaplin            



Sal was told by her physician,                              
"Please remember I'm in a position,                         
My dear Mrs. Leeds,                                         
To take care of your needs,                                 
Up to and including coition."                               
                                                            
40594 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Grand Prix Lim  743 P8305



We doubted the doctor's veracity,                           
When we caught him astride Mrs. Cassidy.                    
He said, "Doctor knows best;                                
I'm conducting a test                                       
To determine her vagina's capacity."                        
                                                            
40595 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



His huge penis a young gynecologist                         
Liked to thrust down his patients' esophagus.               
"It's not really a cure,                                    
But it feels good for sure.                                 
If they see through my wiles, then I'll stop, I guess."     
                                                            
40596 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SCREWING   Bruce Thompson           



There once was a fellow named Stoup                         
Enrolled in our therapy group.                              
While we sat around,                                        
Stoup uttered no sound                                      
While decoding alphabet soup.                               
                                                            
40597 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



The psychiatrists commonest shtick?                         
"You have problems because you are sick!"                   
But psychologists find                                      
That your sickness of mind                                  
Is because you have problems! Click-click?                  
                                                            
40598 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Jemstone                 



A therapist made this confession:                           
"I'm an expert at curing depression.                        
My patients stay well                                       
Till I send them my bill,                                   
Then suffer an instant regression."                         
                                                            
40599 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Laurence Perrine    P8503



"I'm not paranoid," said Mr. Grau                           
To his shrink, "but I certain somehow                       
That both women and men                                     
Are conspiring again                                        
To avoid persecuting me now."                               
                                                            
40600 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P8904



I never get mad, I get hostile;                             
I never feel sad, I'm depressed;                            
If I sew or I knit,                                         
And enjoy it one bit,                                       
I'm not handy, I'm merely obsessed.                         
                                                            
40601 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Samson                   



I never regret, I feel guilty;                              
And if I should vacuum the hall,                            
Wash the woodwork and such,                                 
And not mind it too much,                                   
Am I tidy? Compulsive that's all.                           
                                                            
40602 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Samson                   



If I can't choose a hat, I have conflicts,                  
With ambivalent feelings towards net.                       
I never get worried                                         
Or nervous or hurried--                                     
Anxiety, that's what I get.                                 
                                                            
40603 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Samson                   



If I'm happy, I must be euphoric;                           
If I go to the Stork Club or Ritz,                          
And have a good time                                        
Making puns or a rhyme,                                     
I'm manic, or maybe a schitz.                               
                                                            
40604 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Samson                   



If I tell you I'm right, your submissive,                   
Repressing agressiveness, too!                              
And when I disagree,                                        
I'm defensive, you see,                                     
And projecting my symptoms on you.                          
                                                            
40605 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Samson                   



I love you, but that's just transference,                   
With Electra rearing her head;                              
My breathing asthmatic                                      
Is psychosomatic,                                           
A fear of exclaiming, "Drop Dead!"                          
                                                            
40606 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Samson                   



I'm not lonely, I'm simply dependent;                       
My dog has no fleas, just a tic--                           
So if I act hateful,                                        
Never mind, just be grateful                                
I'm not really a stinker--I'm sick                          
                                                            
40607 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Samson                   



They've given up hope on Al Mencia.                         
They say that his mind's in "absentia".                     
Somatic his psycho                                          
And phrenic his schizo                                      
And praecoxly at his dementia.                              
                                                            
40608 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



A neurotic was in a sad plight                              
When he visited his shrink one cold night,                  
A doctor named Purdy,                                       
To ask, "Is sex dirty?"                                     
He said, "Just if you do the thing right."                  
                                                            
40609 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P8904



She sucks Pete of in six seconds.                           
Once spent, he'll be flaccid, ah reckons.                   
In spite of her skill                                       
He needs Dr Phil                                            
To help him when hot poontang beckons.                      
                                                            
40610 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Randog                   



Case History of Roger P.                                    
A premature come-off-er he.                                 
"What makes you pre-shoot                                   
Is that your wife's too cute."                              
So he exchanged his wife with me.                           
                                                            
40611 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



Psychiatrists often use couches                             
To learn what a person avouches;                            
Their patients relax,                                       
Revealing the facts                                         
Behind psychological "ouches."                              
                                                            
40612 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    R. J. Winkler       P8503



Psychiatrist (easily bored)                                 
Heard something that did strike a chord.                    
Sketched his wiener-dog                                     
As its analogue --                                          
His patient, quite plainly, was floored.                    
                                                            
40613 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS                             



He said to a friend whom he spied                           
At the analyst's place, "I confide                          
That I feel in a way                                        
Rather schizoid today."                                     
"That makes four of us, friend," he replied.                
                                                            
40614 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P8904



A psychiatrist living in Dallas                             
Once treated a fellow for malice,                           
And now he's benign.                                        
He brought him in line                                      
By removing some spunk from his phallus.                    
                                                            
40615 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The plumber, a dyed-in-the-wool tinker,                     
Was given this job -- a real stinker.                       
A psychiatrist man                                          
Had to have a small can                                     
'Cause he was a famous head shrinker.                       
                                                            
40616 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    John Dohner         P8904



"Why's my wife spend all day on the phone?"                 
Analyzed a head-shrinker named Cohen.                       
"Penis envy, no doubt!"                                     
But his wife pointed out                                    
That she sure didn't envy his own.                          
                                                            
40617 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Michael Weinstein   P8305



To the analyst, Edward would plod,                          
His psyche, his shrink there to prod.                       
This decision, some said,                                   
Was unwise for it led                                       
To the care of Ed's id by the odd.                          
                                                            
40618 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A psychiatrist fellow from Rye,                             
Went to visit another close by,                             
Who said with a grin                                        
As he welcomed him in,                                      
"Hello Smith!  You're all right!  How am I!"                
                                                            
40619 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Stephen Cass             



Urged Id, "Let's attack while she's bare."                  
Warned Ego, "Be patient. Take care.                         
We must not get caught."                                    
"Let's do what we ought,"                                   
Super-ego said tersely: "Be fair."                          
                                                            
40620 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Laurence Perrine    P8905



"I did what I did, " declared Id,                           
"I wish you had hid what you did,"                          
Said Ego. "Amigo,"                                          
Proclaimed Super-Ego,                                       
"You shouldn't have done what you did."                     
                                                            
40621 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Laurence Perrune    P8905



If you go to a shrink, bon ami,                             
And he says to you, "Friend, c'est la vie."                 
When he asks what you feel                                  
And then says, "No big deal!"                               
You know just as much as does he.                           
                                                            
40622 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Al Willis           P9808



An Egyptian psychiatrist's file,                            
Lists a patient beyond reconcile.                           
From the river, he squealed,                                
"Praise to Allah, I'm healed,"                              
But the shrink said, "Your just in de Nile."                
                                                            
40623 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Bob Giandomenico    P9711



"With most female patients I've tried,                      
And I take some professional pride,"                        
Said the shrink, "I confess,                                
In my modest success                                        
In keeping them all satisfied."                             
                                                            
40624 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P9201



Case History of Sherry G.                                   
A kleptomaniac was she.                                     
And as you may guess                                        
I made her undress                                          
So less temptation there would be.                          
                                                            
40625 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



Said a newly wed fellow named Finnigan                      
To his shrink, "Oh God, will I grin again --                
She never would screw;                                      
Now she says when we do                                     
As soon as we're through, 'Let's begin again.'"             
                                                            
40626 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Bob Giandomenico    P8905



A doctor is Bob by profession;                              
Retired now but still in possession                         
Of most, if not all,                                        
Of his faculties small,                                     
And a couch, for the sake of impression.                    
                                                            
40627 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Art Decorum              



Though some in his circle may scoff,                        
He wan't dismissed or struck off.                           
He merely had surgin's                                      
Of lust for young virgins                                   
And asked for permission to boff.                           
                                                            
40628 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Art Decorum              



Old ladies who suffered in shame                            
Were cleansed of their guilt and their blame                
By a shrink name of Scott                                   
Who said, "Fear not the twat,                               
For to love and to fuck are the same."                      
                                                            
40629 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Albin Chaplin   3024-2295



My therapist used all her skills,                           
And put me on various pills.                                
I said to her, "Honey,                                      
What I need is more money                                   
For anxieties caused by your bills.                         
                                                            
40630 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Laurence Perrine    P8905



The psychiatrist had done a lot                             
For a gorgeous young creature named Ott.                    
But he said, "We're agreed                                  
From now on you will need                                   
Every last inhibition you've got."                          
                                                            
40631 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P8904



Three shrinks at a congress in Gateshead                    
Lost their hotel whilst out getting fed.                    
They asked their way                                        
From a cop who did say,                                     
"You'll never find it 'cause it's straight ahead!"          
                                                            
40632 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS                             



The psychiatrist's always assured                           
That his patients won't die, but the word                   
That keeps them returning                                   
(And keeps him on earning)                                  
Is that they are never quite cured.                         
                                                            
40633 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P9201



Sam's dick is having his say;                               
And usually has his own way.                                
If my quim starts to talk,                                  
It's time for a walk                                        
To a shrink, who won't charge for a lay!                    
                                                            
40634 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS                             



"Psychoanalysts," groused Dr. Hormel,                       
"Have made id official and formal                           
That they in the main                                       
Are essentially sane                                        
And the rest of us all are abnormal."                       
                                                            
40635 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P9201



I'm taking so long with my think,                           
My screen saver's sure I'm ablink.                          
Those flying toasters                                       
(After dark bread roasters),                                
I think I will go see my shrink.                            
                                                            
40636 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Archie                   



My psychiatrist, heard in confession,                       
Admits a deep-seated obsession.                             
After voiding his bowels                                    
He gets gloomy, and howls                                   
In the throes of post-partum depression.                    
                                                            
40637 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Jemstone                 



There was a psychiatrist named Dickey,                      
Had a very cute patient named Nikki,                        
Who had never climaxed.                                     
He said, "Just relax.                                       
I'll correct your problem with a "quickie!"                 
                                                            
40638 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Laurence Craft           



There was a next-to-the-skin flannelist,                    
Who complained of the fees from his panel list;             
But he grouses no more                                      
Now the plate on his door                                   
Bears the lucrative lure 'Psycho-Analyst'.                  
                                                            
40639 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Anon Punch 1924   (Bibby)



Case History of Leonard C.                                  
A sado-masochist is he.                                     
My greatest challenge yet                                   
If I don't get upset --                                     
The first half hour he beats me.                            
                                                            
40640 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



There once was a schizo from Fife                           
Who threatened his very own life,                           
For his analyst thought                                     
That the fellow had caught                                  
The other guy screwing his wife.                            
                                                            
40641 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P8904



The patient arrived in the buff;                            
Only plastic wrap covered his butt.                         
The psychiatrist said,                                      
While shaking her head,                                     
"I can clearly see y'r nuts."                               
                                                            
40642 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS                             



Said a medical prof Dr. Kind,                               
"An analyst may be defined                                  
As one in all seasons                                       
For professional reasons                                    
Has nothing but sex on his mind."                           
                                                            
40643 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P8904



"Oh Father, I have a confession!                            
I went to a therapy session.                                
He pulled up my dress                                       
To rid me of stress;                                        
And now I've a sexual obsession!"                           
                                                            
40644 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Wormdirt           TP9804



Case History of Mildred V.                                  
A nymphomaniac was she.                                     
Although I didn't think                                     
She'd nymph me, her shrink,                                 
She couched it so seductively.                              
                                                            
40645 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



On my mind, all I've got's limerick's song!                 
My doctor said, "Something is wrong;                        
By the way that you're acting,                              
It must be distracting,                                     
And your blue jeans aren't showing your dong!"              
                                                            
40646 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS                             



Case History of Roger B.                                    
This schizo-phrenic said to me,                             
"You will agree, I'm sure                                   
Without me there's no cure."                                
So I agreed to split the fee.                               
                                                            
40647 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



By neurosis is how the "IN" rate us.                        
Intellectuals thus deprecate us                             
As deficient of brain                                       
If we're thoroughly sane.                                   
One's shrink is a symbol of status.                         
                                                            
40648 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P9201



The psychiatrist, young Doctor Fern,                        
Was asked what he hoped to discern                          
From his patients sex acts                                  
And revalent facts.                                         
He said, "Think of what I might learn!"                     
                                                            
40649 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



It's more serious than you might think,                     
Not dismissed with leer or a wink.                          
You better get going,                                       
Your bad ego's showing,                                     
It's time that you visit a shrink.                          
                                                            
40650 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Chris Papa               



A hard-drinking shrink, Freddy Floose,                      
Holds deeply heretical views;                               
He is greatly annoyed                                       
When reminded of Freud,                                     
For he treats all his patients with booze.                  
                                                            
40651 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Norman Storer       P0211



In Pharoh's time, there were no shrinks,                    
So anyone with mental kinks                                 
Must lie upon the sand,                                     
With ear cupped in his hand,                                
And tell his troubles to the Sphinx.                        
                                                            
40652 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



"My husband," complained Mrs. Cobb,                         
"In bed's an insensitive slob."                             
"If he can't give you joy,"                                 
Said the shrink, "Then employ                               
More men to put on the job."                                
                                                            
40653 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Bob Giandomenico    P8905



I went to a shrink for advice,                              
But he asked me the same questions twice;                   
About my insurance,                                         
And sexual endurance,                                       
And that didn't seem very nice.                             
                                                            
40654 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS                             



Case History of Harold Z.                                   
A senior hight school teacher he.                           
"Those bastards in my class --                              
I feel like kicking ass."                                   
"Go see your football coach not me."                        
                                                            
40655 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Irving Superior     P8904



A psychologist, Tony Pratt,                                 
Would talk with his patients while flat.                    
They would sit up straight                                  
While asked to relate,                                      
"What is it that you mean by that?"                         
                                                            
40656 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS                             



When a crazy psychotic named Bly                            
From a rooftop believed he could fly;                       
Wearing only a hat,                                         
He hit with a splat...                                      
And a shrink stroked his beard and asked, "Why?"            
                                                            
40657 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    Bob Birch           P0800



"My shrink for an outrageous fee                            
Asks me questions galore," observed Lee,                    
"Of a personal kind                                         
Which from time out of mind                                 
My wife has been asking for free."                          
                                                            
40658 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A N Wilkins       P8904  



On the couch at his shrink's, the man sighed.               
"Nobody these days, Dr. Clyde,                              
Ever takes what I say                                       
In a serious way."                                          
"You're kidding," the doctor replied.                       
                                                            
40659 MEDICAL - DOCTORS - SHRINKS    A. N. Wilkins       P8306



When giving a lethal injection,                             
Executioners strive for perfection.                         
They do a good job,                                         
With an alcohol swab                                        
On the site to prevent an infection.                        
                                                            
40660 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



Accidentally, my friend, Neil                               
Took his wife's estrogen pills.                             
They shriveled his dick                                     
And grew him some tits,                                     
So he changed his name to Lucille!                          
                                                            
40661 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Jim Weaver Collection    



His wife's fruitcake wouldn't digest,                       
And George split from his prick to his chest,               
When in misery he downed                                    
An antacid he found,                                        
Without waiting till it effervesced.                        
                                                            
40662 MEDICAL - DRUGS                A. N. Wilkins       P9302



With bad cold, I'll go right to bed,                        
With aches, pains, and feelings of dread.                   
ANTITUSSIVES I take                                         
To help bad cough break,                                    
Clear nose, but they blow off my head.                      
                                                            
40663 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Chris Papa               



ANTITUSSIVES I'll take for my coughin',                     
But won't take too many too often.                          
Strong Whiskey I'll pack,                                   
So when hit by that hack,                                   
I am not carried off in a coffin'!                          
                                                            
40664 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Gary                     



Each is a doctor of some speciality;                        
They prescribe all these pills for a fee.                   
If I take all these pills,                                  
Will they cure all my ills,                                 
Or are they gradually killing me?                           
                                                            
40665 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Dad                      



A homophobic by the name of Ray                             
Had a pain that would not go away.                          
While the doc insisted,                                     
He strongly resisted                                        
The use of the salve named Bengay.                          
                                                            
40666 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Tom Patton          P0900



The black salve that we had as kids,                        
We use on our necks 'cause it rids                          
Small kids of those bumps                                   
Resembling mumps;                                           
Our jaws looked like twin pyramids.                         
                                                            
40667 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



There was a hotshot Harvard coxswain,                       
Who learned steroids can be a toxswain.                     
He pumped up his crew,                                      
Whose pectorals grew.                                       
But all those young bulls are now oxswain!                  
                                                            
40668 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



A lady from Okefenokee,                                     
Awakening sullen and poky,                                  
Had chocolate toffee                                        
With chicory coffee                                         
And suddenly felt okey-dokey.                               
                                                            
40669 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Cybergeezer              



A drug to block cannabis's high                             
Will be hard to get folks to apply;                         
My suggestion serious:                                      
Get school cafeterias                                       
To put it in 'taters and pie.                               
                                                            
40670 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Dr Limerick              



This pill lets me take a good dump.                         
This one here took ten pounds off my rump.                  
No hayfever ills,                                           
And one of these pills                                      
Even gets my bum ticker to pump.                            
                                                            
40671 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Irish                    



Methinks chemotherapy's shit;                               
My brain's just a cavernous pit.                            
My little grey cell                                         
Has pissed off to hell,                                     
And left me a rhymeless dumb twit.                          
                                                            
40672 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



Indeed chemotherapy must                                    
Be a shit-and-a-half but I trust                            
That you're doing just swell                                
And it doesn't curtail                                      
Your enjoyment of sexual lust.                              
                                                            
40673 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



They buried today Mr Knapp;                                 
He did not take his pills, the poor chap.                   
The old guy left a note                                     
By his pill bottle -- wrote:                                
"I can't remove the child-proof cap!"                       
                                                            
40674 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Travis Brasell           



Don't put too much trust in that cortisone,                 
And don't ever apply to the naughty zone.                   
When all else is lost,                                      
Preserve at all cost                                        
From cortisone the naughty old bawdy zone.                  
                                                            
40675 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Conrad Aiken             



The brain of my druggist is small.                          
It would not impress or enthrall.                           
I think it absurd                                           
That he had not heard                                       
Of a real cyber virus at all.                               
                                                            
40676 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young city slicker                         
Whose pulse would occasionally flicker.                     
He was one of those lugs                                    
Whose dependence on drugs                                   
Caused a glitch in the niche of his ticker.                 
                                                            
40677 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Edwin J Weinstein        



A gal from the south side of Dallas                         
Put athletic lips 'round my phallus.                        
She sucked with such vigor,                                 
My frenzy did trigger                                       
Angina.  Where's my digitalis?                              
                                                            
40678 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Randog                   



I've got digitalis right here;                              
To get that thing pumping, no fear.                         
One thump on your chest                                     
With my naked breast,                                       
You angina will soon disappear                              
                                                            
40679 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Carol                    



Your breasts are the cure for angina.                       
In thanks, may I please your vagina?                        
I'll fill your hot oven                                     
And while we are lovin',                                    
They'll hear your moan in Carolina.                         
                                                            
40680 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Randog                   



The medical doctors of yore,                                
Their LUCRE pursued without lore;                           
They pushed from their rostrums,                            
Their patented nostrums                                     
And potions in ways we'd deplore.                           
                                                            
40681 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Nick Lanyon              



A wise chinese druggist named Huan,                         
Was awarded a prize by the Khan,                            
For a sexual depressive,                                    
To calm thoughts obsessive;                                 
It is now known as Upjohn's Down John.                      
                                                            
40682 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



What could an emmenagogue be?                               
The word doesn't mean shit to me.                           
Might be an emir                                            
In need of a beer,                                          
Or men quite agog at an "E".                                
(emmenagogue - drug to restore or induce menstruation)      
40683 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Larry Davis              



The medic procedure still best--                            
Drink plenty of liquids and rest.                           
But hospitals shun                                          
'Cause if you're in one,                                    
They'll get you with their I.V.S.                           
                                                            
40684 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Irving Superior     P9704



In the case of extreme public need,                         
Or when faced with extreme public greed,                    
The law of Brazil                                           
Says the government will                                    
Make the drugs and pay patents no heed.                     
                                                            
40685 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Dr Limerick              



Manufacturers of pharmaceuticals                            
Say they're doing their best to be dutiful;                 
"We'll negotiate                                            
With the ungrateful state,                                  
But their remedy is quite unsuitable."                      
                                                            
40686 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Dr Limerick              



If you're nervous ascending the podium,                     
Make sure that you've balanced your sodium,                 
Comb your hair, zip your fly,                               
Look 'em straight in the eye,                               
And swallow a brace of Imodium.                             
                                                            
40687 MEDICAL - DRUGS                John E Mayhood           



My name I came by by mischance;                             
At Mom's health, the doc looked askance.                    
He had a scheme                                             
for beating anem-                                           
Ia, so she did the prescription dance.                      
                                                            
40688 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



She took pills containing Fe,                               
Built back up her blood just for me!                        
Her sis said with scorn,                                    
"When that li'l bastard's born                              
We might as well call it Rusty!"                            
                                                            
40689 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



"Though this medicine won't, I repeat,                      
Really cure you," declared Dr. Wheat,                       
"I'm prescribing it next,                                   
Since it has side effects                                   
Which I actually know how to treat."                        
                                                            
40690 MEDICAL - DRUGS                A. N. Wilkins       P8511



Liquid nitrogen's not very nice;                            
In fact, it is colder than ice.                             
Applied to the toe,                                         
It hurts, don't you know.                                   
A treatment I wouldn't want twice!                          
                                                            
40691 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Joy Clare                



First Viagra fixed slightly limp dicks,                     
Now SmithKline Inc. adds to the mix.                        
Though intended to rhyme                                    
With disease named for lyme,                                
Their new product is called Lymerix.                        
                                                            
40692 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Lilsil2                  



There was an old lady of Leicester,                         
Whose numerous ailments obsessed her.                       
She found no allure                                         
In an M. and B. cure,                                       
And sedatives simply depressed her.                         
                                                            
40693 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Ian T. Mackenzie         



"Tranquilizers? I quit them," said Nate.                    
"My doctor had said they'd be great.                        
But he and I parted                                         
When I found that I'd started                               
Being pleasant to bastards I hate."                         
                                                            
40694 MEDICAL - DRUGS                A. N. Wilkins       P9107



When I on an old calendar look,                             
I, MATERIA MEDICA took.                                     
Back in 1950                                                
When it was real nifty,                                     
'Cause then 'twas a very thin book.                         
                                                            
40695 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Chris Papa               



I did what I could to unfeeze ya.                           
I even supplied aphrodisia.                                 
But you made a mistake;                                     
You decided to take                                         
That large glass of Milk of Magnesia.                       
                                                            
40696 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Al Willis           P9707



For his MRI he lay suspended,                               
Quite embarrassed and somewhat offended.                    
For he had not been told                                    
The device would be cold,                                   
Opensided and he, open-ended.                               
                                                            
40697 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Loren C Fitzhugh    P9803



A virgin was our sweet Lorraine.                            
On hearing of honeymoon "pain,"                             
Was so full of fright                                       
On her wedding night,                                       
Decided to use Novocain.                                    
                                                            
40698 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Irving Superior     P8803



There was a gent for a while                                
Who seemed a bit dull and senile,                           
'Til he threw out the jug                                   
That held his new drug,                                     
And now can strut out in grand style.                       
                                                            
40699 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Edwin J Weinstein        



"I prescribe for myself now," said Rex,                     
"Although my wife strongly objects,                         
I've developed some skill                                   
And have found me a pill                                    
Which has nothing but strange side effects."                
                                                            
40700 MEDICAL - DRUGS                A. N. Wilkins       P9107



As the price of postage keeps rising,                       
I would not find it too surprising                          
If they started to use                                      
Some opium glues                                            
For soothing and tranquilizing.                             
                                                            
40701 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Ann Gasser          P9011



There was a young man who took pills,                       
To cure his all manner of ills.                             
Though the label said not,                                  
He took the whole lot;                                      
Now he's dead.  But he has no more ills.                    
                                                            
40702 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Richard Long             



Francois was looped to the gills                            
After swallowing seventy pills.                             
He said, "C'est la guerre."                                 
When he took up the dare                                    
To seek one of life's silly thrills.                        
                                                            
40703 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Edwin J Weinstein        



But Francois was doubly blessed,                            
For those pills he couldn't digest.                         
His thrill was usurped                                      
When the pills he up-burped,                                
And maybe you have guessed the rest.                        
                                                            
40704 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Edwin J Weinstein        



Those pills were not for elation,                           
But were those that were used for sedation.                 
So his eyes he did close,                                   
Crossed his hands in repose                                 
And hibernated for the duration.                            
                                                            
40705 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a young girl from Bengal                          
Whose parents had gone beyond recall.                       
She inherited the throne;                                   
Lots of property she'd own.                                 
For her stress she'd use Paracetamal!                       
                                                            
40706 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady of Warwick                           
Who lived in a castle historic.                             
On the damp castle mold                                     
She contracted a cold,                                      
And the doctor prescribed paragoric.                        
                                                            
40707 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Anon                     



The doctor, for old spinster Keefile,                       
Prescribed a young man for life gleeful.                    
By the druggist 'twas filled                                
And Miss Keefile was thrilled;                              
She came running right back for a refill.                   
                                                            
40708 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1356



I once knew a girl named Gwen,                              
Who was fat as a hog in a pen.                              
But she died today                                          
In a very thin way,                                         
Heart attack, you guessed it, Phen-fen.                     
                                                            
40709 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Mr Malo                  



An ancient Cape Codger named Shawn                          
Claims he still gets a wicked hard-on                       
And keeps his young bride                                   
Very well satisfied,                                        
With the aid of a pill called Upjohn.                       
                                                            
40710 MEDICAL - DRUGS                A. N. Wilkins       P9107



PLACEBOS for those who are ill,                             
Or find taking drugs a real thrill,                         
May bring effects fine                                      
Or cause a decline;                                         
The ways of Ye Olde Sugar Pill.                             
                                                            
40711 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Chris Papa               



The jungle is really exotic.                                
Don't go there in case you're neurotic.                     
You can't drink the water                                   
A probably oughter                                          
Take plenty of antibiotic.                                  
                                                            
40712 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Doctor's Doggerrel  P9007



In the thirties, the word was "out back."                   
We were poor and we lived in a shack.                       
No jobs could be had,                                       
As the times were real bad.                                 
The Depression was stopped by Prozac!                       
                                                            
40713 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Al Willis           T9711



Prozac is the answer I think;                               
(I refuse to succumb to the drink.)                         
I must curb all these verses                                
'Bout doctors and nurses,                                   
And probably talk to my shrink.                             
                                                            
40714 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Peter Wilkins            



A rheumatic old man in White Plains,                        
Who will never stay in when it rains,                       
Has a home full of drugs                                    
Kept in little brown jugs;                                  
And that's all he gets for his pains.                       
                                                            
40715 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



A newly found Latin inscription                             
Refers to a learned Egyptian,                               
Who at age CCX                                              
Still indulged in wild sex,                                 
After taking a secret prescription.                         
                                                            
40716 MEDICAL - DRUGS                John Ciardi              



You resent obscene pharmacy prices,                         
Even though you are in a health crisis?                     
It's fate's assignation                                     
With your generation.                                       
It's your privilege to make sacrifices.                     
                                                            
40717 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



There once was a fellow named Ray                           
Who said in utter dismay,                                   
"I really don't follow....                                  
How can anyone swallow                                      
The same pill three times a day.                            
                                                            
40718 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Edwin J. Weinstein  P9601



There's a cough mixture scopalamine                         
And its equal has never been seen                           
'Twould make staid Tutankamen                               
Laugh and leap like a salmon                                
And his mummy hopscotch on the green.                       
                                                            
40719 MEDICAL - DRUGS                James Joyce         P9008



If you doctor yourself when you're ill,                     
You won't have to pay a big bill,                           
And nobody in white                                         
Will wake you at night                                      
To give you a damned sleeping pill.                         
                                                            
40720 MEDICAL - DRUGS                A. N. Wilkins       P9107



If you suffer from germ warfare mania,                      
They've discovered a cure that'll tame ya';                 
Like a lamp with a genie,                                   
They've found smallpox vaccinie                             
In a freezer in deep Pennsylvania.                          
                                                            
40721 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Dr Limerick  03-28-02    



There once were two brothers called Smith;                  
One said to the other, "What if                             
We could make a cough drop                                  
That could a cough stop?                                    
We'd be rich," said he, "in a jiff."                        
                                                            
40722 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Edwin J Weinstein        



A nubile young lass from Fairlawn,                          
Thought that sex was merely a yawn,                         
Till she took a big pill                                    
From a Doc on West Hill.                                    
Now she's swimming upstream to spawn.                       
                                                            
40723 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Jim Weaver Collection    



That Wendy's a bit of a flake;                              
My Wendy just plays with a drake.                           
But if she feels ill,                                       
Instead of a pill,                                          
She changes the drake for a snake!                          
                                                            
40724 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



While out with a Doctor of Physic,                          
He slipped me a strong analgesic.                           
I fell to the ground;                                       
When I woke up I found                                      
I was chained to a lamp-post in Chiswick.                   
                                                            
40725 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Bill Wall                



When your stamina's much less than more,                    
And you're old, feeble, infirm and sore,                    
But have scripts on your list,                              
You'll find the pharmacist,                                 
At the far back of your huge drug store.                    
                                                            
40726 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



Whatever the virus or ills,                                 
We cure it by taking some pills.                            
Chemical fixer                                              
Or fairy elixer,                                            
There is gold in them thar refills.                         
                                                            
40727 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Timothy Torkildson       



I've read in the water I drink,                             
There's pure estrogen. So I think                           
A precautionary pill                                        
Of testosterone will                                        
Be the answer to genital shrink?                            
                                                            
40728 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



I wonder at times if it's not                               
A deliberate feminist plot                                  
By a coven of women                                         
Incredibly grim 'n                                          
So ugly they need to be shot.                               
                                                            
40729 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



A thalidomide baby was Pete;                                
He was born with arms incomplete.                           
But he did not lament                                       
This most tragic event;                                     
He could still beat his meat with his feet.                 
                                                            
40730 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1812



Please pity thalidomide Frank;                              
No arms, so he can't have a wank;                           
No cash for a whore,                                        
So he's splinters galore                                    
In his dick, from a hole in the plank.                      
                                                            
40731 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Tiddy Ogg                



Your sympathy might be misplaced.                           
Not a drop of his semen does waste.                         
From flexible stock,                                        
He sucks his own cock,                                      
And fully enjoys his own taste.                             
                                                            
40732 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Anon                     



That's one I did never consider,                            
How Thalidomide children deliver                            
Their wads of spermatic;                                    
Though auto-eratic,                                         
It makes me just shiver and quiver.                         
                                                            
40733 MEDICAL - DRUGS                NoOne                    



Old men who use well-hardened gums,                         
To nibble old women's ripe plums,                           
Should take my suggestion:                                  
When they've indigestion,                                   
Get quick relief by taking Tums!                            
                                                            
40734 MEDICAL - DRUGS                                         



Some turpinhydrate with codeine,                            
That stuff your lung system will clean.                     
It will fix your nose                                       
And then help you doze.                                     
Of course, it will turn your face green.                    
                                                            
40735 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Marlene Lewis            



A little old man from Racine                                
Was in line to get his vaccine.                             
Then he gave a yelp                                         
And begged for some help --                                 
The guy behind him was obscene!                             
                                                            
40736 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Marlene Lewis            



The age of the pill has arrived;                            
One wonders how past folks survived.                        
In your home, a drugstore,                                  
Shelf space, you need more,                                 
Does lack of pills mean you're deprived?                    
                                                            
40737 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Joel D Ash          P9808



Vitamins all lined up with your juice,                      
Too many but hard to reduce.                                
Take A, C, and D,                                           
Multi plus extra E,                                         
Adding new ones that they introduce.                        
                                                            
40738 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Joel D Ash          P9808



There are pills to achieve weight control,                  
Modern ways that you reach a pound goal.                    
If your head starts to ache,                                
There's a pill you can take;                                
To remain a thin soul takes a toll.                         
                                                            
40739 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Joel D Ash          P9808



Allergies? -- more pills are required;                      
Don't forget pills you need if you're tired.                
Take a cruise on a boat;                                    
Pop a pill down your throat;                                
Motion sickness, a move not desired.                        
                                                            
40740 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Joel D Ash          P9808



Are you worried about all those pills?                      
Not to mention the ones for your ills;                      
Does it keep you awake?                                     
Take a pill that they make,                                 
Go to sleep to escape the pill bills.                       
                                                            
40741 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Joel D Ash          P9808



In springtime, phlegmatic Monica                            
Decided she needed a tonica.                                
Doc prescribed a potion                                     
Which increased her motion                                  
To speeds which exceed supersonica.                         
                                                            
40742 MEDICAL - DRUGS                John E Reith        P9804



Shrink said she enjoyed feeling sad,                        
Which made her resentfully mad.                             
She went to G.P.;                                           
"Take Zoloft," said he;                                     
EUDOMONIA felt, she was glad.                               
                                                            
40743 MEDICAL - DRUGS                Elois                    



There was a prim lady from Chisick,                         
Who consulted a Doctor of Physic.                           
He tested her hormones,                                     
And sexual performones,                                     
Then prescribed her a strong aphrodisic.                    
                                                            
40744 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Anon                G0036



An adventurous couple named Zorn,                           
Once diddled and fucked till morn;                          
He thought he would try                                     
His wife's Spanish fly,                                     
And she took rhinoceros horn.                               
                                                            
40745 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Ed Potts            P8803



In New Orleans, a long time ago,                            
Lived a voodoo queen, Marie Laveau.                         
She could put in your stew                                  
A foul-smelling roux,                                       
To make your girl beg you for mo.                           
                                                            
40746 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Al Willis           P9807



If a love slave is your goal,                               
You'll be wanting to stiffen your pole,                     
By getting your kicks                                       
With that voodoo mix.                                       
Just remember to plug the right hole.                       
                                                            
40747 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Arden                    



They say that that stuff, spanish fly,                      
Will make a girl hot, so pray, why                          
Won't liquidized bluebott-                                  
Le moisten her twat?                                        
It might, but I've not nerve to try.                        
                                                            
40748 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Tiddy Ogg                



Lady Amelia, down in the cabbages,                          
Said, "My husband has suffered life's ravages.              
So instead, I'll give hardeners                             
To the junior gardeners,                                    
Then they'll take me like a bunch of wild savages.          
                                                            
40749 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Tony Burrell             



The drug folks are planning to ship                         
Their impotence cure with this tip:                         
"Please swallow this pill.                                  
If you chew it, you will                                    
Wind up with a stiff upper lip."                            
                                                            
40750 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Dick Menkes              



There was a young nurse called Maxine,                      
Who invented a fucking vaccine.                             
She ingested the lot                                        
Direct in her twat;                                         
Now she goes and she comes like a dream.                    
                                                            
40751 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Peter Stowmarket         



The sex-habits of Tiffany Wong                              
Implied all kinds of liquids (some strong-                  
Smelling chemical stuff                                     
Which, applied to her muff,                                 
Made her clit grow extraordinary long).                     
                                                            
40752 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC                           



Viagra? I read that and smirked;                            
It's oysters I eat to get perked.                           
(I ate a full dozen,                                        
But I admit, cousin,                                        
That only a half-dozen worked!)                             
                                                            
40753 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC                           



"You heard of Dante's Parideeze?                            
Well, my tits are a heavenly squeeze!                       
Flick a pert nip,                                           
While you I unzip,                                          
And gulp down your Cantharidies."                           
                                                            
40754 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC                           



A middleaged man of McGill,                                 
Much afraid he was over the hill,                           
Came once more with his hand                                
And some extract of gland,                                  
Plus a strenuous effort of will.                            
                                                            
40755 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Keith MacMillan       49b



I've tried eye of newt, cobb of corn,                       
But still, I confess, I'm forlorn;                          
My half-hard erection                                       
Is far from perfection,                                     
Must I grind up my Dad's rhino horn?                        
                                                            
40756 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Mark Levy           P9808



A foolish young yokel from Skye,                            
Procured a vial of Spanish Fly.                             
He had a hot date                                           
And he just couldn't wait --                                
He drank up the whole bottle dry.                           
                                                            
40757 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  H WHELCHEL               



Later on, at the corner drug store,                         
He showed Doc a cock, red and sore.                         
He begged for some balm --                                  
'Twas for his left arm --                                   
The girl never came to the door!                            
                                                            
40758 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  H WHELCHEL               



There was a young fellow of Burma,                          
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.                  
But now that he's married he's                              
Been using cantharides,                                     
And the root of their love is much firmer.                  
                                                            
40759 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Aldous Huxley       L0013



I would ask these drug fellows to try                       
One more formula I'd like to buy.                           
For I'm still awaiting                                      
That boon to men's dating,                                  
The breakthrough they call Spanish Fly.                     
                                                            
40760 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Irish                    



Spanish Fly is irritant noxious,                            
Makes genital burning obnoxious.                            
Intern with young turk,                                     
Of him made short work;                                     
Ejactio praecoxious.                                        
                                                            
40761 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Daniel Ford              



Spanish Fly? Now here's what I think:                       
It's a powder you put in a drink                            
To aid with amour.                                          
(She'll act like a whore)                                   
If you use it on her, you're a fink.                        
                                                            
40762 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Arden                    



They say it will make the gals hotter;                      
You'll soak up their sweat with a blotter.                  
If you'd like some fun --                                   
A smack on the bum --                                       
Spanish Fly comes with a big fly swatter.                   
                                                            
40763 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Frank Fazed              



Although I've been called quite the nipper;                 
Of some things, others are hipper.                          
I'll ask if I may                                           
If you'll only say                                          
Does Spanish Fly come with a zipper?                        
                                                            
40764 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Puff Adder               



Testosterone poisoning's bad;                               
Affects guys and makes them go mad.                         
Their thinking is skewed                                    
Or is the word "screwed?"                                   
It's reasoning via gonad.                                   
                                                            
40765 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Marty                    



A sleazy old doctor from Lima                               
Sold me some brand new Uprima...                            
Popped two 'neath my tongue,                                
My member upsprung,                                         
But the swelling was due to edema!                          
                                                            
40766 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC                           



My fashion-sense needs to be hipper                         
Like that of a Chippendale stripper.                        
So tell me, (I'm dumb)                                      
Does Spanish Fly come                                       
With buttons, velcro, or a zipper?                          
                                                            
40767 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Bluebird                 



Your birthday's no cause for dejection.                     
See your doctor and get an injection.                       
Have a shot in the ass,                                     
Then a good looking lass                                    
Will give you a normal erection.                            
                                                            
40768 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  A. N. Wilkins       P8612



Red-faced is our hero, Tom Brown;                           
His problem has brought him renown.                         
He took an injection                                        
To aid with erection --                                     
His rod, now rock hard, won't go down.                      
                                                            
40769 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Armand E Singer       784



I've heard a new drug has been born;                        
Makes you orgasm each time that you yawn.                   
Now each boring speech                                      
By a political leech                                        
Is better than triple-X porn.                               
                                                            
40770 MEDICAL - DRUGS - APHRODISIAC  Jeeves                   



In La Belle France you'll come to know                      
When the telephone's answered, they show                    
Great respect for extant,                                   
Their Folk Medicine plant,                                  
Which they honor by saying "Aloe."                          
                                                            
40771 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



Most remedies medically herbal,                             
And said to relieve or to curb all                          
Diseases, are bought                                        
With no proven report,                                      
For their stated efficiency's verbal.                       
                                                            
40772 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



Arrowroot, got for your bowels,                             
Just pronounce it without any vowels,                       
And it sounds like a fart;                                  
All together now, "RRWRT!"                                  
(But cover you nostrils with towels.)                       
                                                            
40773 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



The root of the buttercup's said                            
To be good for performance in bed.                          
But if you partake                                          
Of too much by mistake,                                     
You'll be pushing up daisies instead.                       
                                                            
40774 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



If you happen to tremble or shiver,                         
If you ache or you sneeze or you quiver,                    
You need not be a martyr,                                   
Take the product by Carter,                                 
Little Pills that are made for your liver.                  
                                                            
40775 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Bob Birch           P9807



Remember the mustard plaster;                               
Grandmother's response to disaster;                         
Those enema bags,                                           
And gut-wrenching gags                                      
When made to drink oil of Castor.                           
                                                            
40776 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Bob Birch           P9807



If feet are a problem, chiropody                            
Won't do the job like the property                          
Found efficacious                                           
In coltsfoot, good gracious,                                
'Twill soon make you hippity-hoppity.                       
                                                            
40777 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK                             P9807



In Limerick, Ireland, they say                              
There's a freshwater spring by the bay,                     
That cures ailments chronic;                                
In fact, it's so tonic,                                     
You'll think in A A B B A!                                  
                                                            
40778 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         StefSpad                 



Some wisdom I'd like to impart;                             
Digitalis is good for the heart,                            
But in doses so small                                       
You can't see them at all.                                  
(Taking more is not terribly smart.)                        
                                                            
40779 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



Some girls keep a youthful appearance                       
By forming a loyal endearance                               
To creams and smooth lotions,                               
New chemical potions                                        
And liquids of pasty adherence.                             
                                                            
40780 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Alex Heydon         P0401



My aunt fed me sassafras tea                                
And a saucer of fried bumble-bee.                           
Some nice dandelions                                        
And hair from bovines,                                      
She said this would cure my TB.                             
                                                            
40781 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Al Willis           P9807



On doctor's strict orders, I strove                         
To eat garlic each hour by the clove.                       
He said, "Good for the heart."                              
Well, it just made me fart.                                 
(But I saved on the gas for my stove.)                      
                                                            
40782 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



Whenever I'm sick my friends croon,                         
"You're not well, you poor thing, get well soon."           
If they only knew how                                       
To decree, "Get well NOW!"                                  
There's a chance I'd recover by noon.                       
                                                            
40783 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK                                  



If you do not have infinite wealth,                         
Avoid Ginkgo biloba for health.                             
For a handful of doses,                                     
Combined with hypnosis,                                     
Will damage your pocket by stealth.                         
                                                            
40784 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



My dear wife suggested that I                               
Should give Ginkgo Biloba a try.                            
She thinks I'll benefit                                     
If I start taking it.                                       
Though at present, I can't recall why.                      
                                                            
40785 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



Take your A and your D and some C,                          
And you guys don't forget to take Z.                        
And what can I say,                                         
There's D-H-E-A,                                            
Washed down with a strong herbal tea.                       
                                                            
40786 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Bob Birch           P9807



A strange little woman named Phelp,                         
Came to my door selling kelp.                               
She said I should eat it.                                   
And I said to her, "Beat it!"                               
She should call up a shrink; she needs help.                
                                                            
40787 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Al Willis           P9807



He was told, "If your dong won't get hard,                  
Let it soak in a bucket of lard."                           
But just once in the bucket                                 
And his wife couldn't suck it --                            
It got soft and all shrunken and scarred.                   
                                                            
40788 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         William N Nesbit    P9807



I've remained upon this Mortal Coil,                        
Not through clean living and honest toil,                   
But by dodging the chills                                   
Aided by Liver Pills,                                       
Lots of Witch Hazel and ZEMO Oil.                           
                                                            
40789 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



A gardening enthusiast, Fox,                                
Felt unwell so he went to the doc's.                        
After prodding and poking,                                  
The doc said, "No joking,                                   
You've Physalis, Lungwort and Phlox."                       
                                                            
40790 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



A witch doctor from Micronesia                              
Had a novel treatment for amnesia:                          
Dried penguin gizzards                                      
And eyes of a lizard,                                       
In a cupful of Milk of Magnesia.                            
                                                            
40791 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Anon                     



If you're searching for a safer cure,                       
Beware of the naturals pure,                                
Like arsenic and poison oak.                                
Deadly nightshade and sulfer soak;                          
Some natural potions can injure.                            
                                                            
40792 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Lynn Mostafa             



They say that by giving a soak                              
To the leaves of the old English Oak,                       
You will end up with "tea"                                  
Which is good for the pee.                                  
(But I guess it's a medical hoak.)                          
                                                            
40793 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins     P9807



Recently, in emotional spin,                                
I performed an act, but won't again.                        
I did experience                                            
"Out of Body" events,                                       
Fool I am though, I went right back in.                     
                                                            
40794 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



My wife's menopausal friend Jill's                          
On six evening primrose oil pills                           
Each day.  What's it done?                                  
She's calmer, more fun,                                     
And willing to give fellows thrills.                        
                                                            
40795 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Tiddy Ogg                



My little friend Snip is a hoot.                            
When told evening primrose would suit                       
As a cure for hot flushes,                                  
For aging old lushes,                                       
She chewed flower and leaf...even root.                     
                                                            
40796 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Ticketyboo               



The flowers of St. John's Wort, they said,                  
Are a cure for a pain in the head.                          
So I took their advice,                                     
And I sniffed once or twice,                                
But acquired sinusitis instead.                             
                                                            
40797 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Peter J Wilkins    P9807 



There once was a fellow named Mort,                         
A sad and real negative sort.                               
Once quite prone to cry,                                    
Now such a nice guy,                                        
Since starting to take St. John's Wort.                     
                                                            
40798 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Bob Birch           P9806



The charlatan fed us some roots,                            
And a stew made of entrails of newts.                       
We puked in the foyer                                       
And then called our lawyer.                                 
That guy's going to pay; bet your boots.                    
                                                            
40799 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Al Willis           P9807



There once was a black-hearted knave                        
Who sold me some pills at a rave.                           
The bastard had gall;                                       
He sold me Tylenol                                          
Instead of the substance I crave.                           
                                                            
40800 MEDICAL - DRUGS - FOLK         Phil T                   



Now hospital doctors must deign                             
To ask patients if they are in pain.                        
The DHHS                                                    
Is making a guess                                           
This'll help to make health care humane.                    
                                                            
40801 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Dr Limerick  02-20-01    



HMO's are known for dumb docs                               
Who stroll 'round in their monogrammed smocks.              
They implant springs                                        
And keys and things,                                        
For winding biological clocks.                              
                                                            
40802 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Tom Patton          P9704



The doc in the ER said, "Rest                               
In bed for three days would be best."                       
But I can't help sneak,                                     
Out for a quick peak;                                       
It's boring in bed, I confess.                              
                                                            
40803 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS                                  



If a widow has moods of dejection                           
And she suffers from loss of affection,                     
Then her pain will subside                                  
When the Health Plans provide                               
A bronze cast of her husband's erection.                    
                                                            
40804 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Al Chaplin          P9405



Candidate Clinton was not being square                      
With our old folks about medicare.                          
Now the campaign's put to bed                               
With healthcare changes ahead.                              
"Bait and Switch" on the sick isn't fair.                   
                                                            
40805 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Jim Weaver Collection    



Suave Robert, he played the field,                          
But to charm, he finally would yield.                       
Seduced by Maria,                                           
He got gonorrhea,                                           
But his cure was picked up by Blue Shield.                  
                                                            
40806 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Thomas G. Keller    P9405



On hospital health care, each nurse                         
A Marilyn Monroe, no worse.                                 
A blouse peek-a-boo,                                        
A generous two,                                             
Who'll impotent symptoms reverse.                           
                                                            
40807 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9405



When I saw my doctor today                                  
I feared what the blood test might say;                     
But Doc said, "I assure you,                                
I most surely can cure you,                                 
If your Health Insurance will pay."                         
                                                            
40808 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Evelyn Bogen        P9405



The doctors are casting aspersion                           
On each payment stategy version;                            
See, what counts ain't our health,                          
But preserving their wealth;                                
They're practicing health care perversion.                  
                                                            
40809 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Mark Levy           P9406



There was a rough dude from Pine Bluff,                     
Who claimed to be wirey and tough.                          
But when given a shot,                                      
Believe it or not,                                          
He'd faint, just like a cream puff.                         
                                                            
40810 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Edwin J Weinstein        



One part of a Health Plan should be                         
A humane apothecary.                                        
One dollar a pill,                                          
A budget can kill;                                          
I'm speaking generically.                                   
                                                            
40811 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9405



And also for AARP.                                          
And if it's not ASAP.                                       
If you do not RSVP,                                         
While warning the NYSE.                                     
Dear Hillary C.                                             
I'm telling the NYPD.                                       
40812 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9405



My medical tab keeps on soaring;                            
It's reached levels that brook no ignoring.                 
My boss won't defray it                                     
So I gotta pay it,                                          
And my budget is taking a goring.                           
                                                            
40813 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         M Silverstein       P0304



From the Colchester Hospital News                           
In the local gazette here last Tues:                        
They're bringing back matrons                               
To care for the patrons;                                    
Those patients who're feeling the blues.                    
                                                            
40814 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Peter Wilkins            



No longer just flighty young bits,                          
When you feel like the ultimate pits,                       
But mature older lasses                                     
With uniformed asses,                                       
And double-sized matronly tits.                             
                                                            
40815 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Peter Wilkins            



But then I read further, oh curses;                         
Those matrons appear to be nurses                           
With masculine bits,                                        
'Stead of comforting tits,                                  
And experienced fingers and "purses".                       
                                                            
40816 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Peter Wilkins            



"Oh shit!" mused psychiatrist Granged,                      
"It's no wonder my patient's deranged.                      
I was gone just a week,                                     
But the HMO geek                                            
Covering for me, medication changed."                       
                                                            
40817 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9704



There was a young girl in her bed                           
Who said, "It's not illness I dread,                        
But those terrible meals                                    
They roll in on wheels,                                     
Which give me a pain in the head."                          
                                                            
40818 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Edwin J Weinstein        



This hospital sucks, without doubt!                         
Wires and tubes have me trapped -- can't get out.           
Plastic gourd's here for piss;                              
Hope to hell I don't miss!                                  
And the nurses won't sit on my snout!                       
                                                            
40819 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Allen Wolverton          



I'm sorry your hospital stay                                
Has filled you with so much dismay.                         
But look on the bright side,                                
Those tubes aren't stuck inside,                            
Your dick, so you could pee or play.                        
                                                            
40820 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Carol                    



Some say that the man is a fool,                            
But some think his Health Care plan's cool.                 
It will, says the president,                                
Ensure every resident                                       
Admission to medical school.                                
                                                            
40821 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Paul Lusch          P9405



It's a boil, not a cancerous lesion,                        
And for treatment it just needs a squeezin';                
So don't make such a fuss,                                  
It's just great globs of pus.                               
For Blue Shield -- catastrophic diseasen.                   
                                                            
40822 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Nancy Henry-Kline   P9405



I was recently told by Doc Strume                           
And it certainly did make me fume,                          
"Health plans remit a bit                                   
When we fail to admit,                                      
So please leave my Energency Room."                         
                                                            
40823 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9704



For ladies inherently sick,                                 
There's a cure that will sure do the trick:                 
A few hours of soaking                                      
And some fine friendly poking                               
From the nearest available prick.                           
                                                            
40824 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Albin Chaplin   3024-2300



The old woman who lived in a shoe                           
Was quite pregnant and soon would be due.                   
But her HMO said,                                           
"Unless you're near dead,                                   
Your maternity benefit's through."                          
                                                            
40825 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Bob Birch                



Whenever procedures are slow,                               
They first have to ask HMO.                                 
Where once you were king                                    
And got everything.                                         
You now have become a John Doe.                             
                                                            
40826 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9704



My personal health plan selects                             
A charm that protects against hex;                          
An apple a day                                              
Keeps the doctor away;                                      
And plenty of good holesome sex.                            
                                                            
40827 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Laurence Perrine    P9405



Clinton hopes all the old folks are hicks                   
Who will frall for his lies, oh so slick.                   
Clinton tells them "Beware!                                 
Dole will rob Medicare!"                                    
Then too late they'll find out it's a trick.                
                                                            
40828 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton's backside got caught in a snare                    
When he promised to save Medicare.                          
Seniors gave their support.                                 
The ball's now in his cort.                                 
But I doubt our old folks have a prayer.                    
                                                            
40829 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Jim Weaver Collection    



On Health Plans my first choice would be                    
The plan that outlaws the TV --                             
Those needles they stick                                    
To make you more sick,                                      
With sleep coming haphazardly.                              
                                                            
40830 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9405



The Health Plan that still is the best--                    
Let grandpa and grandma attest--                            
Will cure half our ills                                     
And cut half our bills;                                     
TWO ASPIRINS...DRINK LIQUIDS...AND REST.                    
                                                            
40831 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9405



Eliminate hospital crime!                                   
For a cent cost, they bill you a dime.                      
And even worse still,                                       
The negative thrill,.                                       
"Wake up, Sir, It's sleeping pill time."                    
                                                            
40832 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9405



Health insurance plans merit a squint                       
And far more, so peruse the fine print.                     
When they read, "WE DO CARE"                                
It translates, "Don't you dare                              
Bill us! On reimbursements we stint."                       
                                                            
40833 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9709



On Health Plans, most planners agree,                       
Expensive...and who'll pay the fee?                         
The only sure bet                                           
Is who will forget                                          
Democracy's motto -- WHY ME?                                
                                                            
40834 MEDICAL - HEALTH PLANS         Irving Superior     P9405



It's a quarter past ten in the morn                         
Of the twenty-first day that young Dawn                     
Has been pushing and panting                                
And wailing and ranting;                                    
Will Timothy ever be born?                                  
                                                            
40835 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



I have had my medical check                                 
On all those things below my neck.                          
The doc took my blood                                       
But that was a dud;                                         
Bloodletting just makes me a wreck.                         
                                                            
40836 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



The breast screening unit's come near,                      
And my wife got a note saying, "Dear                        
Madam, Will you come                                        
And then we can pum-                                        
mell you, as we should every year."                         
                                                            
40837 MEDICAL - METHODS              Tiddy Ogg                



"In your local hospital, the van                            
By keen volunteers is manned;                               
We won't hurt you much,                                     
As your bosoms are crushed;                                 
It's a pain that most people can stand."                    
                                                            
40838 MEDICAL - METHODS              Tiddy Ogg                



By volunteers MANNED, so they say.                          
I'll apply for the job right away.                          
And if they are hurt,                                       
They'll need comfort and nurt-                              
uring.  Why, for that I would pay.                          
                                                            
40839 MEDICAL - METHODS              Tiddy Ogg                



It's the yearly tit smashing I hate;                        
It looks like cow tongue on a plate.                        
My heads twisted around;                                    
I can't make a sound.                                       
(Reminds me, I'm nigh a year late.)                         
                                                            
40840 MEDICAL - METHODS              Karen                    



If doctors have been turning you red                        
From embarrassment, toes to head,                           
At half the cost ladies,                                    
I'd be happy as hades                                       
To squeeze you and poke you instead.                        
                                                            
40841 MEDICAL - METHODS              MrMalo                   



A cervical smear makes one blush.                           
To wish that the doctor would rush,                         
We lie on our backs.                                        
They say, "Just relax,                                      
While I stick my big tool up your brush."                   
                                                            
40842 MEDICAL - METHODS              Nini Poo                 



Alex went to the medics in pain,                            
He was limping and using a cane.                            
They asked how he felt,                                     
He replied "How much gelt?"                                 
He received a cheap shot in a vein.                         
                                                            
40843 MEDICAL - METHODS              Arthur Pattaffy          



Dear Chuck paid a visit today                               
To the eye-doctor two miles away.                           
No, it's not 'cause of sex                                  
That he thinks he needs specs,                              
For he's kept his mind off it since May.                    
                                                            
40844 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



"So Chuck, will you look at this chart?                     
Read the letters. When ready, please start                  
At the top if you may."                                     
Chuck looked up and said, "A?"                              
"Why that's great Chuck; it proves that you're smart."      
                                                            
40845 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



"Line 2. Now just concentrate, eh?"                         
Beaming broadly dear Chuck said, "O K."                     
"Why your eyesight's not bad",                              
Said the doctor, "Now lad;                                  
Will you tackle line 3? Hello Fay."                         
                                                            
40846 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



"Who's Fay?"  "My assistant on duty."                       
"She's nice."  "Yes she is; she's a beauty;                 
But Chuck, will you read                                    
Me line 3."  "Yes indeed;                                   
Hello Fay."  "Hello Chuck."  "You're A Q T."                
                                                            
40847 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



"Good heavens, dear Chuck, you're a star!"                  
"O I M M I?"  "Chuck, that's too far;                       
That's line 5. I implore                                    
You, please read me line 4."                                
"N E B R?"  "Of course here, you are."                      
                                                            
40848 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



"A Budweiser! Yummy!"  "OK;                                 
If line 6 you can read me today                             
You may go; but remember,                                   
Come back in November."                                     
Or guess L B C N U A?"                                      
                                                            
40849 MEDICAL - METHODS                                       



This is what the doctor does best.                          
He waits 'til you're partly undressed                       
And with a hand that's like ice,                            
He doesn't think twice,                                     
As he places it onto your chest.                            
                                                            
40850 MEDICAL - METHODS              Edwin J. Weinstein  P9601



There was a tired surgeon named Ratzoff,                    
Who practice was cutting fat pratzoff;                      
Ectomized the vast rear                                     
From old lady McBeer,                                       
And cried, "What a job...I'm glad thatzoff!"                
                                                            
40851 MEDICAL - METHODS              Grand Prix Lim  353 P8305



A desperate hooker named Sheila                             
Ran ads in the Cleveland Pain Dealer:                       
"From belly to knees,                                       
Girl wracked with disease,                                  
In need of an able faith healer."                           
                                                            
40852 MEDICAL - METHODS              Armand E Singer       327



An unsatisfied wife from Madrid                             
Took fertility pills, that she did --                       
An action constructive                                      
But all too productive;                                     
Now she has to do in her ninth kid.                         
                                                            
40853 MEDICAL - METHODS              Armand E Singer       521



My doctor's a comical cut-up.                               
When he's gotten a woman's bare butt up                     
On his table; he'll frown                                   
And stroke her soft down                                    
Until he's gotten his own you-know-what up!                 
                                                            
40854 MEDICAL - METHODS              Lance Payne         P8305



My doctor said, "No cigarette --                            
That's the worst habit that you can get!"                   
So in a fit of choking,                                     
I did quit smoking --                                       
But he wasn't through with me yet.                          
                                                            
40855 MEDICAL - METHODS              Kaylin                   



He then really gave me the blues,                           
When he insisted on, "No more booze!"                       
He started me thinking,                                     
And so, I quit drinking --                                  
But then I heard him accuse:                                
                                                            
40856 MEDICAL - METHODS              Kaylin                   



"Your cholesterol's way too high --                         
Stop eating fried foods, or you'll die!"                    
So I quit like he said;                                     
I eat veggies instead --                                    
(Or at least, I usually try!)                               
                                                            
40857 MEDICAL - METHODS              Kaylin                   



I've tried to do my doctor's bidding,                       
But he's gone too far -- I'm not kidding!                   
The thing he said next                                      
Was "You must give up sex!"                                 
This time, it's the doctor I'm quitting!                    
                                                            
40858 MEDICAL - METHODS              Kaylin                   



Immortality, there's no denying,                            
Would certainly be satisfying.                              
So now and forever                                          
I vow to endeavor                                           
To continue to live, or die trying.                         
                                                            
40859 MEDICAL - METHODS              Jerry Nordal        P2005



There once was a man with a groan,                          
Who produced such a melodious tone,                         
That folks far and near                                     
Would at his bedside appear,                                
While he trumpeted his passage of stone.                    
                                                            
40860 MEDICAL - METHODS              Edwin J Weinstein        



A doctor who lived in Marseilles                            
Invented a new kind of X-ray.                               
You've heard of Cat Scan?                                   
Well this brilliant man                                     
Has developed 'Le Scan Pousse'.                             
                                                            
40861 MEDICAL - METHODS              Arthur Deex         P8306



A young soldier from North Adelaide,                        
Went to courses to learn some first aid.                    
A hero he ain't;                                            
At times he felt faint,                                     
Passing out on his final parade.                            
                                                            
40862 MEDICAL - METHODS              Arthur Pattaffy          



A vicious old doctor named Boggs                            
Made love potions out of broiled dogs                       
And leeches and vultures                                    
Plus various cultures                                       
Of germs from the recta of frogs.                           
                                                            
40863 MEDICAL - METHODS              Armand E Singer       286



The medicine man was a hoot.                                
He was wearing his birthday suit.                           
He served me roach tea,                                     
And he waved some gris gris.                                
Then he boldly displayed his big root.                      
                                                            
40864 MEDICAL - METHODS              Al Willis          TP9806



I feel sorry for young Dr. Dow.                             
Our ladies won't go to him now.                             
When examining the parts                                    
Of Mrs. Ray Hartz,                                          
He should have said "Hmmmm" and not "Wow!"                  
                                                            
40865 MEDICAL - METHODS              John Ciardi              



The man who writes fuck is a jerk;                          
He's suspected of having a quirk.                           
But the doctor is great                                     
For he writes copulate,                                     
And is paid very well for his work.                         
                                                            
40866 MEDICAL - METHODS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2134



The prostate's a funny old gland                            
And to check it the doc puts his hand                       
Into surgical gloves;                                       
Then a finger he shoves                                     
Up you...What? (I'm not feeling too grand.)                 
                                                            
40867 MEDICAL - METHODS              Peter Wilkins            



The farther that the finger goes,                           
The more you'll begin to suppose                            
If you had a chance                                         
At classical dance,                                         
You'd stand higher yet on your toes.                        
                                                            
40868 MEDICAL - METHODS              Frank Fazed              



I'm glad I don't have one of those,                         
But we have it much worse I suppose.                        
Every three years                                           
We have vaginal smears;                                     
Quite unpleasant as fingering goes.                         
                                                            
40869 MEDICAL - METHODS              Jane                     



A cervical smear's not so great.                            
But consider my poor husbands state;                        
Without medication,                                         
If he starts urination,                                     
At noon, he can't finish till eight.                        
                                                            
40870 MEDICAL - METHODS              Jane                     



Now my husband's a handsome old stud,                       
But due to said prostate, his pud                           
Needed good old Viagra.                                     
Now it flows like Niagara.                                  
He certainly's not any dud!                                 
                                                            
40871 MEDICAL - METHODS              Jane                     



My husband's a hunk, you can bet,                           
But he read what I wrote on the net,                        
'Bout the trials of his pud.                                
Now my name is mud,                                         
And my conjugal rights I can't get.                         
                                                            
40872 MEDICAL - METHODS              Jane                     



Well now, with a little reflection,                         
You might come to see the connection.                       
How you would be feeling                                    
Had he come here squealing                                  
Of your recurring yeast infection?                          
                                                            
40873 MEDICAL - METHODS              Tiddy Ogg                



Indeed I'd be quite ill at ease                             
To see posts of my pussy disease.                           
But he has displayed                                        
Shots of us getting laid,                                   
And some other obscene jpg's,                               
                                                            
40874 MEDICAL - METHODS              Jane                     



Now that sure sounds pretty dumb,                           
Your nude pics in the hands of us scum.                     
What were you thinking?                                     
You must have been drinking!                                
Reckon you might send me some?                              
                                                            
40875 MEDICAL - METHODS              MrMalo                   



An American guy, Cyrus Flood,                               
Made his income from selling his blood.                     
At a recent transfusion                                     
He caused some confusion;                                   
All they found in the syringe was pure mud.                 
                                                            
40876 MEDICAL - METHODS              Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old Doctor named Couie,                        
Who said to his patients, "J'ai vouie                       
To cure all your ills                                       
Without any pills;                                          
You just think yourself well -- that's the new way!"        
                                                            
40877 MEDICAL - METHODS              Bob Scott                



Though devoid of all sensual stroking,                      
You ought to be used to the poking                          
And all the tit squeezing;                                  
Though not very pleasing,                                   
One day just might keep you from croaking.                  
                                                            
40878 MEDICAL - METHODS              MrMalo                   



An A.M.A. doctor named Bruce                                
Tells patients to try self-abuse.                           
"It helps your celerity,                                    
Improves your dexterity,                                    
And no chance you'll sire a papoose."                       
                                                            
40879 MEDICAL - METHODS              Armand E Singer       314



There once was a doctor who said,                           
"Far too many sick folk die in bed.                         
There's no deadlier place                                   
And to rescue the race,                                     
I suggest using armchairs instead."                         
                                                            
40880 MEDICAL - METHODS              Towanbucket              



A performance artiste name of Hannah,                       
Did her gig with a metallic banana.                         
With it in position,                                        
She'd show the condition,                                   
With the help of a fluoroscope scanna'.                     
                                                            
40881 MEDICAL - METHODS              Peter Wilkins            



I once knew a religious nurse,                              
Who kept holy water in her purse.                           
When giving sponge baths,                                   
She'd risk patient's wrath,                                 
When from purse some HW she'd asperse.                      
                                                            
40882 MEDICAL - NURSES               Norm Brust               



There are some R.N.'s, I confess,                           
About their patients, they couldn't care less.              
They only got their degree                                  
To catch an M.D.                                            
And thus become an MRS.                                     
                                                            
40883 MEDICAL - NURSES               Kaylin                   



A medic who served at Fort Ord                              
Had earned the Great Bushwhacker Sword.                     
Right after Pearl Harbor,                                   
They made him a barber                                      
Up in the maternity ward.                                   
                                                            
40884 MEDICAL - NURSES                                   P8305



Fred's catheter tubing hung down,                           
Off the bed, barely clearing the ground.                    
Then his nurse, Cindy-Lou,                                  
Hooked the tube with her shoe.                              
Fred's yell was heard all over town!                        
                                                            
40885 MEDICAL - NURSES               Betty A Cassano          



When working at home, there are few                         
Real distractions apart from the view                       
That I have of the street,                                  
Watching nurses petite                                      
Go to work and return from it too.                          
                                                            
40886 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



They seem to get younger each day,                          
As they giggle and walk with a sway                         
Of their hips in their short                                
Little uniforms taut...                                     
But it's "Hi Gramps!" I fear they may say.                  
                                                            
40887 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



A mysterious visiting nurse                                 
Made all of her rounds in a hearse;                         
If a patient had died,                                      
She could give them a ride.                                 
'Twas believed that she carried a curse.                    
                                                            
40888 MEDICAL - NURSES               Cap'n Bean          P0211



DEBRIDEMENT of source of infection                          
Relies on injury detection,                                 
And nurses, not bride,                                      
There at the bedside                                        
To reduce some pain with injection.                         
                                                            
40889 MEDICAL - NURSES               Daniel Ford              



I worked as a nurse in I C U;                               
Debridement I dreaded to do.                                
The patient would scream                                    
Just like a bad dream,                                      
As I cut away skin and goo!                                 
                                                            
40890 MEDICAL - NURSES               Maggie                   



We'd soak them in Ivory Snow,                               
And they looked upon us as Foe.                             
Burn victims so sad,                                        
They thought we were bad!                                   
Mean nurses...they thought we were so!                      
                                                            
40891 MEDICAL - NURSES               Maggie                   



That job convinced me, you see,                             
To burn is a nightmare for me.                              
I'll never forget                                           
Each victim I met;                                          
That fate...I would not rather be!                          
                                                            
40892 MEDICAL - NURSES               Maggie                   



To care for those stricken with gout,                       
To soothe the fear and the doubt.                           
'Twas her ambition, she                                     
Always wanted to be                                         
A nurse, but it didn't pan out.                             
                                                            
40893 MEDICAL - NURSES               VOL 6                    



The nurses, I say, make it shorter;                         
It's plain that they're just out of order.                  
They shave all your parts                                   
(And that really smarts!)                                   
And always with very cold water.                            
                                                            
40894 MEDICAL - NURSES               Al Willis                



But here is one thing that is worse,                        
If to medical things you're adverse:                        
Catheterization!                                            
Quite a sensation.                                          
Insertion is... well, Good Night Nurse!                     
                                                            
40895 MEDICAL - NURSES               Irish                    



"The thrill of my life," said Miss Ghant,                   
"When I think of it, it makes me pant.                      
Memories of that thrill                                     
Remain with me still.                                       
An enema by my cross-eyed aunt!"                            
                                                            
40896 MEDICAL - NURSES               Clarence E. Boyle   P9011



The patient in Room 201                                     
Was not having very much fun.                               
The big nurse was so rough                                  
With the enema stuff,                                       
He now has a very sore bun.                                 
                                                            
40897 MEDICAL - NURSES               Julia Strawn        P8812



Brunhilde, a Munich-born nurse                              
Has occasion to do the perverse                             
To princes and rubes                                        
With her enema tubes.                                       
They call her the Teutonic Curse.                           
                                                            
40898 MEDICAL - NURSES               LaDonna Jones       P8503



A medical student named Jones                               
Learned all about all of the bones;                         
The muscles, the senses,                                    
The nerves, and the menses,                                 
And the nurses' erogenous zones.                            
                                                            
40899 MEDICAL - NURSES               Laurence Perrine    P9409



Most nurses, however exquisite                              
Their virginal looks, are explicit                          
'Bout bodily functions                                      
And sexual conjunctions.                                    
I wonder, please tell me, why is it?                        
                                                            
40900 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



Little Bob has just a small fetish;                         
With nurses he's just slightly pettish.                     
He fantasizes of hips                                       
And ruby red lips,                                          
With smiles that are down right coquettish.                 
                                                            
40901 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



Said the clergyman once to the nurse,                       
"I prayed that things wouldn't get worse.                   
But my thoughts were not Holy                               
When you stuck in that Foley                                
And I struggled to stifle a curse."                         
                                                            
40902 MEDICAL - NURSES               Jeff Purser              



Being sound of both mind and of body,                       
Though a little bit feeble and dotty,                       
I leave all my money                                        
To that sweet little honey,                                 
The nurse who helps me to the potty.                        
                                                            
40903 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



When the monitor showed runs of V-tach, (tachycardia)       
The nurse gave Joe's sternum a whack.                       
With a look of surprise,                                    
Old Joe opened his eyes.                                    
Then he said, "My, it's good to be back!"                   
                                                            
40904 MEDICAL - NURSES               Betty A Cassano          



I anticipate early bloodclotting,                           
Stat Heparin...inject quite alot in                         
'Til red-river is thinned                                   
And bloodthoughts are finned                                
To surf the brainwaves -- not get caught in.                
                                                            
40905 MEDICAL - NURSES               Judy Grimes         P9912



Nurse, I imagine you stripping                              
And feel that my pulse is a-skipping                        
A beat, and my breathing                                    
Is heavy.  I'm seething                                     
With lust; can you guess what I'm gripping?                 
                                                            
40906 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



I'm steaming because of the heat                            
And I'm making a tent of this sheet.                        
Will you strip off your gown                                
And come bounce up and down                                 
On my meat till my treatment's complete?                    
                                                            
40907 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



There was an old nurse named Jane,                          
Who wasn't terribly sane.                                   
She had a strange vice;                                     
She gave enemas of ice,                                     
Which made all the patients complain.                       
                                                            
40908 MEDICAL - NURSES               Robbi                    



Young nurses can give the impression,                       
Because of their chosen profession,                         
Of being au fait                                            
In an intimate way                                          
With a gentleman's private possession.                      
                                                            
40909 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



With nurses you can't take a chance                         
Because they can sure tell at a glance,                     
The state of your health,                                   
The size of your wealth,                                    
And what's going on in your pants.                          
                                                            
40910 MEDICAL - NURSES               Archie                   



A nurse motivated by spite,                                 
Tied her infantile charge to a kite.                        
She launched it with ease                                   
On the afternoon breeze,                                    
And watched till it flew out of sight.                      
                                                            
40911 MEDICAL - NURSES               Edward Gorey             



0We can't let your fleshy tube ruin --                      
It's okay -- I know what I'm doin' --                       
In your situation,                                          
Some light lubrication                                      
Will soon have you pitchin' and wooin'.                     
                                                            
40912 MEDICAL - NURSES               Kaylin                   



To ease your fleshy turmoil,                                
I'll warm up this sweet-smelling oil.                       
Then apply it, like so --                                   
Gosh, look at it grow!                                      
This moment we don't want to spoil.                         
                                                            
40913 MEDICAL - NURSES               Kaylin                   



"Who am I?" asked Jeff the Charge Nurse.                    
"Each day now it seem a bit worse.                          
I stand up to pee:                                          
A male I must be,                                           
With wallet and never a purse."                             
                                                            
40914 MEDICAL - NURSES               Archie                   



Nurse Jeff into Archie's room barged;                       
"The tests show your cock is enlarged,                      
So I'm here to treat                                        
Your poor swollen meat,                                     
And afterwards, you'll be discharged!"                      
                                                            
40915 MEDICAL - NURSES               Travis Brasell           



Nurses in the hospital hall                                 
Are clearly ignoring your call.                             
Though they hear you quite well,                            
When you tickle your bell,                                  
They seem to be having a ball.                              
                                                            
40916 MEDICAL - NURSES               Edwin J Weinstein        



I once met a naughty young nurse,                           
Who let me scrape blade 'round her purse.                   
She said, "All is fair,                                     
I know you hate hair."                                      
In fact I felt none for the wurst.                          
                                                            
40917 MEDICAL - NURSES               H WHELCHEL               



Now tell you I must, of Nurse Maud,                         
The scourge of the surgical ward;                           
She'll feed you foul potions,                               
Apply stinging lotions,                                     
And give painful tugs to your cord.                         
                                                            
40918 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tiddy Ogg                



And then mini-skirted Nurse Shuler;                         
When she's near you, you can't keep your cooler.            
But she'll see your tent                                    
Pole arise, then's hell-bent                                
On slapping it down with a ruler.                           
                                                            
40919 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tiddy Ogg                



That pre-op nurse is HARBINGER,                             
A personal calm infringer,                                  
Who'll shave near your crotch,                              
Then move on to botch                                       
Butt jab, as painful syringer.                              
                                                            
40920 MEDICAL - NURSES               Chris Papa               



Reviewing the charts is a pain.                             
Poor handwriting gives me eyestrain.                        
By the end of the shift                                     
What I need is a lift,                                      
Not further assault on my brain.                            
                                                            
40921 MEDICAL - NURSES               Jim Weaver Collection    



A high school nurse, I was this week.                       
I am GARRULOUS, as I speak.                                 
They arrived en masse,                                      
Trying to skip class.                                       
My sympathy, they did seek.                                 
                                                            
40922 MEDICAL - NURSES               Maggie                   



Now the word is out in the school:                          
"The nurse is a softy...How cool!                           
She'll write us a note!                                     
We have a sore throat."                                     
The really think I am a fool!                               
                                                            
40923 MEDICAL - NURSES               Maggie                   



Many a crotch have I shaved;                                
I always used soap.  Patients raved!                        
The butts that I stabbed                                    
Were so gently jabbed,                                      
Their road to recovery -- well paved!                       
                                                            
40924 MEDICAL - NURSES               Maggie                   



"My first love," said Rambo Stallone,                       
"Was my liberal nanny, Miss Stone.                          
She taught me to crawl,                                     
To suckle, to ball;                                         
Ain't nothing she didn't condone."                          
                                                            
40925 MEDICAL - NURSES               Mark Levy           P9309



Rectal temps? I've done quite a few,                        
Enemas, and impaction checks too;                           
Hernia inspection,                                          
Or plain old injections --                                  
Nurses start at the bottom, it's true.                      
                                                            
40926 MEDICAL - NURSES               Spuddie                  



I've promised my therapist (curses)                         
I'll make no more mention of nurses.                        
I'm awful annoyed                                           
'Cause my brain is devoid                                   
Of ideas for my limerick verses.                            
                                                            
40927 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



I've talked to the shrink about Liz,                        
(Though embarrassed to mention the fizz                     
That according to Freud,                                    
I could have well enjoyed)                                  
And my shrink said a sister of his...                       
                                                            
40928 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



...Was a sexual surrogate; would                            
I be interested? "Yes," I said, "Could                      
You arrange for a session                                   
Of passionate flesh on...?"                                 
He said, "Yes, she's a nurse and she's good."               
                                                            
40929 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



"How the hell would that help me," I said,                  
"To get rid of these thoughts in my head?                   
Oh my God, I'll succumb;                                    
Will she help me to come?"                                  
He said, "No, but she'll slap you instead."                 
                                                            
40930 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



For you see she's that evil Nurse Cratchitt;                
Don't dare to suggest that she scratch it.                  
Don't fiddle about                                          
For she'll certainly shout                                  
And will probably try to detach it.                         
                                                            
40931 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



Doctor's orders, concise and specific,                      
Written clearly, no one hieroglyphic,                       
Could be read with great ease.                              
All the nurses were pleased.                                
They all thought that he was terrific.                      
                                                            
40932 MEDICAL - NURSES               Betty Ann Cassano        



I live near a hospital, so                                  
I see nurses each day as I go                               
Off to work and I greet                                     
Them with, "Hello, I'm Pete;                                
Shall we meet up tonight for a hoe?"                        
                                                            
40933 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



And when, after work, I get back,                           
I am frequently met by a pack                               
Of young nurses who say,                                    
"Can we come in and play?"                                  
But I'm often too knackered, alack.                         
                                                            
40934 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



Weekends are OK, for I find                                 
That the stresses of work have declined.                    
So it's during the week,                                    
Your assistance I seek,                                     
If you would be so awfully kind.                            
                                                            
40935 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



When first I espied your sweeet face,                       
My heart began racing apace;                                
It started to pound                                         
As I fell to the ground,                                    
But the hospital nurses were ace.                           
                                                            
40936 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



A young fellow, the star of this verse,                     
Got sick and turned steadily worse;                         
Which caused folks to worry                                 
And get in a flurry;                                        
Until he took a turn for the nurse.                         
                                                            
40937 MEDICAL - NURSES               Return of Limerick  P0800



You may or may not be aware                                 
That I live near a hospital where                           
They give lovely lasses                                     
Biology classes                                             
And train them in patients and care.                        
                                                            
40938 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



Most gorgeous is virginal Kay                               
For she causes me trouser affray,                           
As she walks past my door                                   
At a quarter to four,                                       
At anatomy classes each day.                                
                                                            
40939 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



But why can't she practice on me?                           
I would teach her for gratis and free.                      
So I'm thinking perhaps                                     
I'll pretend to collapse                                    
As she walks down the road after tea.                       
                                                            
40940 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



Thus 'injured', she couldn't ignore;                        
She'd offer assistance, I'm sure.                           
Then I'd groan and I'd moan                                 
As I showed her my bone                                     
Needed careful attention and more.                          
                                                            
40941 MEDICAL - NURSES               Peter Wilkins            



It is stupid to call it a binge;                            
The main line is not on the fringe.                         
Like the touch of your hand                                 
As I untie the tube and                                     
Pull blood back into the syringe.                           
                                                            
40942 MEDICAL - NURSES               Jim Weaver Collection    



The "Heaven's Awaiting You" care                            
Home has nurses called Debbie and Claire;                   
But Claire is a bitch                                       
So the gentlemen itch                                       
For the touch of young Debbie so fair.                      
                                                            
40943 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



For Debbie, at bath-time's, aware                           
How a gentleman's delicate pair                             
Of bollocks need soaping                                    
With sensitive groping,                                     
And stroking with infinite care.                            
                                                            
40944 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



But tough when it's Claire's turn to wash 'em;              
With bleach, undiluted, she'll splosh 'em,                  
Then scrub 'em with loofahs                                 
Or pan-scouring doofahs                                     
And quite comprehensively squash 'em.                       
                                                            
40945 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



Young John is the nurse with the grin;                      
As needles and tubes he sticks in                           
To arms and bare bums,                                      
And sometimes your tums,                                    
While ogling the new nurse Robyn.                           
                                                            
40946 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



Now Peter the patient just snores                           
And sounds of annoyance ignores.                            
We'll beat in his head                                      
Until he is dead;                                           
A homocide done with due cause.                             
                                                            
40947 MEDICAL - NURSES                                        



I choked and called out to the nurse,                       
"Oh, hurry, I am feeling worse!"                            
"Hey, put down your head --                                 
You're not worse, you're dead!                              
I've already called for the hearse."                        
                                                            
40948 MEDICAL - NURSES               Marlene Lewis            



Some people have all of the luck                            
A nurse with young parts all so suck-                       
ably sweet;                                                 
You can feel the heat                                       
Rise as she leans over to tuck...                           
                                                            
40949 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tutta Gioia              



...You in as you sense her warm breath,                     
When she whispers and winks, "Hi, I'm Beth..."              
But I had a crone                                           
(A good 15 stone)                                           
As mean as old Lady MacBeth.                                
                                                            
40950 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tutta Gioia              



She marched in all frowny and jowly,                        
Her breeath it was rank, fetid, and bowely.                 
She whipped off the sheet,                                  
Rammed home that "Fleet"                                    
Enema, cackling most fouly.                                 
                                                            
40951 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tutta Gioia              



When that was all done, she hissed, "Son,                   
Now for some really good fun.                               
While I razor your pubes,                                   
You massage my boobs...                                     
Your chores have just only begun."                          
                                                            
40952 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tutta Gioia              



This was a bit much, you'll agree...                        
So I thought, and then said, "I must pee..."                
I hoped to escape;                                          
I fear old-crone-rape,                                      
But she smirked, "I will hold it...He he."                  
                                                            
40953 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tutta Gioia              



She grabbed it; I started my stream,                        
In her fat-folded eyes was a gleam.                         
I jerked fast away,                                         
In her face aimed the spray,                                
Then fled her perverted regime.                             
                                                            
40954 MEDICAL - NURSES               Tutta Gioia              



Because of where Tom had his calluses,                      
The doctor prescribed urinalysis.                           
The nurse read his chart                                    
Then shouted, "Let's start!                                 
I'm Alice and now you're in Alice's".                       
                                                            
40955 MEDICAL - NURSES               Irving Superior     P8305



Said a starchy and proper young nurse,                      
"My life has been plagued by a curse.                       
I was told by my pappa,                                     
That sex was improper;                                      
Now I find that abstaining is worse."                       
                                                            
40956 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Isaac Asimov             



Some nurses, though are evil witches.                       
Appendix removed, added stitches.                           
While washing this bloke,                                   
They told many a joke.                                      
Was in pain again.  Horrible bitches!                       
                                                            
40957 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Dirruk                   



Nancy Taylor, a registered nurse,                           
Tends patients who get well or get worse.                   
She well knows if she slips                                 
It's goodbye Mr. Chips,                                     
And a trip in a Cadillac hearse.                            
                                                            
40958 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Tom Patton               



If you thrive on conditions adverse,                        
Fatigue, blood, and pain and much worse,                    
High O.T., low pay,                                         
Long nights and long days                                   
With arrogant docs -- be a nurse!                           
                                                            
40959 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Dr Limerick  05-07-01    



When giving your patients an assist,                        
Save your back. Avoid doing the twist.                      
Beg, plead, or yelp,                                        
But round up some help.                                     
Keep your name off the casualty list.                       
                                                            
40960 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Jim Weaver Collection    



Before giving meds and IV's,                                
Be sure to check patient IDs.                               
For the patient ahead                                       
May be in the wrong bed,                                    
While the right one could be absentee.                      
                                                            
40961 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Betty Ann Cassano        



Give unusual orders a check.                                
Confirm them; make sure they're correct.                    
It's OK to give rein                                        
And make use of your brain.                                 
Remember, it's your license and neck.                       
                                                            
40962 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young nurse named McCord,                       
Who worked in a hospital ward.                              
She got forty a week                                        
And no more did she seek,                                   
For she said that she got her (w)hole board. (bored?)       
                                                            
40963 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Albin Chaplin            



When a doctor writes orders and notes                       
And you can't figure out what he wrote,                     
Just be very firm.                                          
Confront the big worm,                                      
And shove each worthless page down his throat!              
                                                            
40964 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Betty Ann Cassano        



There once was a Nurse named Cratchett,                     
Who's fist worked just like a rachet.                       
She could wrench your guts,                                 
While tightening your nuts,                                 
And if you had an itch, she would scratch it!               
                                                            
40965 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Kaylin Brandon           



Water or ice on the floor                                   
Are things you should never ignore.                         
The words you recite                                        
May not be polite                                           
When you land on your posterior.                            
                                                            
40966 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Jim Weaver Collection    



When I'm Mrs. Nurse, starched and pressed --                
Patients and colleagues are impressed                       
By my nursing skill;                                        
If you're ever ill,                                         
Just call upon me -- I'm the best!                          
                                                            
40967 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Kaylin Brandon           



If I'm ever ill, you're elected,                            
With neither persona rejected,                              
To give me great care                                       
From head to down there.                                    
'Til then, dear, does this look infected?                   
                                                            
40968 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Frank                    



Come here -- let me see that, dear Frank --                 
It's all read and swollen, your shank.                      
Just what I suspected,                                      
It isn't infected --                                        
You just gave it too hard a yank!                           
                                                            
40969 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Kaylin                   



The sweetest of nurses is Kate;                             
Her neatness, in verses, narrate;                           
But give her a chance                                       
To get in your pants,                                       
Completely diverse her fellate.                             
                                                            
40970 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Randog                   



Does she hang upside-down from the ceiling?                 
Does her tongue on your gland send you reeling?             
Diversity's groovy                                          
(Just like a porn movie).                                   
For me, it brings sexual healing!                           
                                                            
40971 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      RANDOG                   



Our Kate is a practising nurse                              
And most of her comments are terse;                         
But I'll not upset her                                      
Or feel up her sweater --                                   
I don't want a rid in a hearse.                             
                                                            
40972 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Archie                   



If you asked if she liked back door boffin'                 
Or if a threesome's in the offin',                          
Would her smile be demure                                   
As she answered you "Sure!"                                 
Or would you end up in a coffin?                            
                                                            
40973 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Randog                   



An amorous writer of verses,                                
Was specially enamoured of nurses;                          
But he found each advance                                   
In pursuit of romance                                       
Met only with starchy reverses.                             
                                                            
40974 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Harold C. Bibby          



Getting orders reversed was the foil                        
Of a nurse on the ward, dumb Miss Coyle.                    
Things came to a head                                       
Claimed her boss Dr. Shedd                                  
When he told her to prick a man's boil.                     
                                                            
40975 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Bob Giandomenico    P9003



This nurse, like a blonde Olive Oyl,                        
On the hospital night shift did toil;                       
With a kettle ('twas steaming)                              
Woke a patient up screaming;                                
The doc yelled: "No! No! Prick the boil!"                   
                                                            
40976 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE                               



To the doctor went old Mr. Frick,                           
And the nurse said, "Lie down, you look sick.               
"Tell me, what can I do                                     
Till the doc can see you?"                                  
So he asked her to suck on his prick.                       
                                                            
40977 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0812



When a "sundowner's" tucked in for the night,               
Be sure that his posey's tied tight.                        
Or he'll wander around                                      
Till he finally falls down,                                 
And an incident report you must write.                      
                                                            
40978 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Jim Weaver Collection    



A booze-impaired patient named Ted                          
Refused to be tied to the bed.                              
The nurse said in part,                                     
"The belt, you old fart,                                    
Prevents falling and hitting your head!"                    
                                                            
40979 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Betty Ann Cassano        



If you waken a patient at night,                            
Be gentle, don't give him a fright.                         
Stand back from the bed.                                    
If he's out of his head,                                    
He might try to punch out your light.                       
                                                            
40980 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Jim Weaver Collection    



When you move beds with your chums,                         
Be kind to your knuckles and thumbs.                        
Tuck them safely inside                                     
'Cause the doors aren't too wide.                           
And smashed hands are quite cumbersome.                     
                                                            
40981 MEDICAL - NURSES - ADVICE      Jim Weaver Collection    



As a nurse, Florence Nightingale led                        
All others, with skill so inbred,                           
And great care she would take,                              
With each patient she'd make                                
Without even disturbing the bed.                            
                                                            
40982 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Bob Giandomenico    P9407



Confession; I've never been had                             
By any young nurse name of Glad.                            
And though I be burstin'                                    
To stuff my old wurst in,                                   
She says I'm as old as her dad.                             
                                                            
40983 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



And Pearl in the hospital shop,                             
Whose uniform's bursting up top,                            
Has looks that are winning                                  
But merely starts grinning,                                 
When calling me "grandad" or "pop".                         
                                                            
40984 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



I guess I should settle for Shirl,                          
A matronly kind of a girl,                                  
With uniform starched                                       
And of loving quite parched,                                
And some twenty years older than Pearl.                     
                                                            
40985 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



Now Pete, sonny, don't give up hope.                        
You're not yet as old as the pope.                          
And that papal bull                                         
Still reckons to pull                                       
A girl while he's mainlining dope.                          
                                                            
40986 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Tiddy Ogg                



There's no need to settle for less,                         
Your dream can still be a success.                          
Get rid of old Shirl,                                       
Forget about Pearl,                                         
And come get me out of this dress.                          
                                                            
40987 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Naughty Nurse            



For sure I shall whip off your dress                        
And then I shall start to caress...                         
Oh, fuck the caressing,                                     
There's something more pressing,                            
And likely to cause quite a mess.                           
                                                            
40988 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



So quickly, bend over this chair                            
And wave your sweet ass in the air;                         
Now brace yourself, Nursie,                                 
For here cometh Percy,                                      
About to explode, I declare.                                
                                                            
40989 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



The trouble with my eager Percy's                           
If it can't find no suitable nursys,                        
To allow nice tight fits                                    
In their glorious slits,                                    
It rehearses, rehearses, rehearses.                         
                                                            
40990 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Chris Lilley             



And if you thing that it's a shame,                         
To admit such a premature game,                             
It's those nurses I thank                                   
For inspiring a wank,                                       
Though, as an excuse, this is lame.                         
                                                            
40991 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Chris Lilley             



If cared for by Gladys, the nursie,                         
Control your most private Percy;                            
For if it should stiffen,                                   
She'll give you a biff 'n'                                  
A bash on the head without mercy.                           
                                                            
40992 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



But hark!  Sounds like Glad at the door.                    
"Oh Gladys, come in!" I implore.                            
"This percy I'm flashin'                                    
Need biffin' with passion,                                  
Then tenderly nursed when it's sore."                       
                                                            
40993 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



Peter, please stifle you rage;                              
I'm sure Gladys works for a wage.                           
Are you going to pay her?                                   
Or go with a prayer?                                        
That Gladys can't guess your true age?                      
                                                            
40994 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Dudesdead                



Sweet Gladys is half of my age;                             
No cash do I payer, or wage.                                
She does it for free                                        
As she sits on my knee,                                     
And our mutual lust we assuage.                             
                                                            
40995 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



The fun that we have ain't illicit;                         
She pays me, twice daily, a visit.                          
On the shag-pile we writhe,                                 
For she's toned and she's lithe,                            
And her bodily parts are exquisite.                         
                                                            
40996 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Peter Wilkins            



The fear, said a nurse named Miss Glock,                    
Of drowning would send her in shock.                        
It was known to all folk                                    
She could not swim a stroke,                                
But was often found down on the doc.                        
                                                            
40997 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin 3024  P8305



So I'm boffing this nurse down in Fla.;                     
Right there in the hospital corridor.                       
But I finish too soon,                                      
And she calls me a goon.                                    
Her behavior could not have been horrider.                  
                                                            
40998 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Hugh Clary               



A naive student nurse of McGill                             
Made excessive demands on the pill.                         
When six interns she'd bed                                  
Every night, 'cause they said                               
It was part of the hospital drill.                          
                                                            
40999 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Keith MacMillan       49a



Young Clair always nurses with care                         
And won't take me up on a dare.                             
She won't wrap that cuff                                    
'Round what longs for her muff,                             
And test the blood pressure that's there.                   
                                                            
41000 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Archie                   



I love to see Claire when she's bare                        
And love the way she likes to share                         
Her arms and her charms,                                    
Which raise no alarms                                       
In pursuing our private affair.                             
                                                            
41001 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Archie                   



"Get on with it, nurse, do you hear?                        
What the hell are you doing, my dear?                       
Oh my god, you're fellating                                 
Him; now you're gyrating                                    
Around and on top of his spear."                            
                                                            
41002 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED                              



To the doctor, complained old MacMaddit,                    
"When my prick gets too hard, I have had it.                
This erection's a curse."                                   
Said the doc's helpful nurse,                               
"Would you mind if I took a crack at it?"                   
                                                            
41003 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED     Albin Chaplin   3024-2177



A promiscuous night-nurse has found                         
Some advice that is solid and sound:                        
That an apple a day                                         
Keeps the doctor away,                                      
While her tits keep him coming around.                      
                                                            
41004 MEDICAL - NURSES - SCREWED                              



Oh nurse, is it terribly wrong                              
That I have this great yearning and long-                   
ing to grab your attention                                  
And blushingly mention                                      
The way you're affecting my dong?                           
                                                            
41005 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



A luscious young R.N. from Florida,                         
Found that doctors just couldn't be horrider.               
They pounced on her date,                                   
With a young graduate,                                      
And stretched her interne in the corridor.                  
                                                            
41006 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        John Ciardi              



A nurse with green eyes, gentle Dot                         
Washed my balls where I lay on my cot.                      
My condition was such                                       
That I couldn't rise much.                                  
But grateful?  You betcha!  Alot!                           
                                                            
41007 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        John Miller              



The naughty young nymphatic nurse                           
Could cause a lymphatic to burst;                           
Or any such node                                            
Would likely explode,                                       
If she gives her best to your wurst!                        
                                                            
41008 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Jon Gearhart             



I'll sit on your knee all undressed;                        
In your face put my bare naked breast.                      
And steady your nerves,                                     
In my luscious curves,                                      
My job's to see that you're not stressed.                   
                                                            
41009 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



Wahey!  Naughty Nurse!  Surgeon Pete                        
Here. Your mammaries sure look a treat                      
In your uniform white                                       
And exceedingly tight;                                      
Not surprising you can't see your feet.                     
                                                            
41010 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



That uniform sure is audacious;                             
It clings to your figure bodacious.                         
Bend over, my dear,                                         
Let me leer at your rear                                    
For I do like my nurses curvaceous.                         
                                                            
41011 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



Wahey!  Yes; it's just as I thought;                        
What you're wearing is not only taut                        
'Cross your hard-jutting nips                               
And the curve of your hips,                                 
Why, it's also remarkably short.                            
                                                            
41012 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



So short (touch your toes) I can see                        
That you're wearing no panties.  Yippee!                    
Yes, you can help this Doc                                  
If you take off your frock,                                 
And come sit your cute rump on my knee.                     
                                                            
41013 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Jon Gearhart             



There's a hospital nursemaid whose charm                    
Gives heart patients cause for alarm.                       
Her bosomy bounce                                           
And wriggly flounce,                                        
Might cause their weak tickers great harm.                  
                                                            
41014 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Bruce Thompson           



A nurse at the clinic, named Polly,                         
Was thought by the doctors as jolly.                        
To hear the girl shreik,                                    
They spent Christmas week                                   
Chasing their jolly Polly with holly.                       
                                                            
41015 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Arthur Pattaffy          



While making the bed, Nurse McGraff,                        
Behind her did hear a low laugh.                            
She was had on the couch                                    
By a man with a slouch.                                     
She was sure 'twas the chief of the staff.                  
                                                            
41016 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Albin Chaplin            



In case of libidinous urgency,                              
And consequent constant resurgency,                         
There's nothing so grand                                    
For one's gland as a hand                                   
From those nurses who work in Emergency.                    
                                                            
41017 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Said the doctor's dear wife, Mrs. Dix,                      
"I will work as your nurse, just for kicks.                 
Send the men to the back                                    
Where I'll show them my crack,                              
And perhaps I can fondle their pricks."                     
                                                            
41018 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Albin Chaplin   3024-2205



The Mountain View Clinic in Graybull,                       
With little old gray men is full.                           
The new nurse is hot.                                       
They ask her a lot,                                         
"Hey, Nursie, please give mine a pull!"                     
                                                            
41019 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



You may think this a trifle perverse                        
(Am I stupid or crazy or worse)                             
But there's more than just sex                              
To this life... Where's my specs;                           
I've just seen the most gorgeous young nurse.               
                                                            
41020 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



Delightfully laughing and tripping,                         
That nursie is waving and skipping.                         
"Hello, little nursie;                                      
Come play with my percy."                                   
"What that thing?  It's hardly worth gripping."             
                                                            
41021 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



While dancing and licking the pole,                         
The nurse shoved her hand in her hole.                      
Doc said, "You'll be curin'                                 
By licking the urine,                                       
But now, your hands are quite full!"                        
                                                            
41022 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Jim Weaver Collection    



And now that we've met, tell me please --                   
Do all those nurse jokes make you freeze?                   
Like, "How can you tell                                     
Who's the Head Nurse? Well                                  
She's the one with the dirty knees."                        
                                                            
41023 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Kaylin                   



A whore who's a nurse in the day,                           
At night must peddle a lay.                                 
Since sexual repression                                     
Can lead to depression,                                     
Her sign reads "Insurance Will Pay."                        
                                                            
41024 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Bob Birch           P0301



My joints with arthritis, inflamed;                         
Rheumatoid is the culprits name.                            
Nurse Bliss, hard of hearing,                               
Thought 'I' was inflaming                                   
And wanted an attempt to tame...                            
                                                            
41025 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Jim Weaver Collection    



My over-excited baloney,                                    
She wanted to ride like a pony.                             
She said "Your sausage,                                     
I will hold hostage,                                        
If you think you can make me moaney."                       
                                                            
41026 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Jim Weaver Collection    



Nurse Kate at sixteen a sweet virgin,                       
Met up with a randy young surgeon.                          
He blushed with surprise                                    
When she opened her thighs                                  
And cried, "Take me!", without further urgin'.              
                                                            
41027 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        H Welchel                



A buxom young thing, our Nurse Nancy,                       
Whose long slender legs I did fancy.                        
Just imagine my surprise,                                   
When by the gleam in her eyes,                              
I discovered in her bed an occupancy.                       
                                                            
41028 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Renaissance_Guy          



A man who was old and divested                              
Of health, he had long since attested,                      
Was restored to his youth,                                  
Not by gin or Vermouth,                                     
But by fondling his nurse, so large-breasted!               
                                                            
41029 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



M.D.: "Why doesn't this patient get rest?"                  
R.N.: "Each time I bend over his chest,                     
His thing I won't mention                                   
Springs up to attention --                                  
Well, you must imagine the rest."                           
                                                            
41030 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Laurence Perrine    P8802



The Doc's helper, a real work of art,                       
On a stool sat right by, stirred my heart.                  
He two knees, so warm,                                      
Rested on my bare arm.                                      
And (Hot damn) they were somewhat apart!                    
                                                            
41031 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Allen Wolverton          



Those warm knees set me to brewing;                         
About legs, thighs and sweet scruffy screwing;              
While the doctor man toiled,                                
All my hormones just boiled;                                
Never noticed what old man was doing.                       
                                                            
41032 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Allen Wolverton          



Today all the Debbies and Pams                              
Are attending their nursing exams;                          
I've been watching them bounce                              
Up the road with a flounce,                                 
To the hospital near where I am.                            
                                                            
41033 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Perverted?  Not me!  It ain't true;                         
But I have me this underground view,                        
From a storm-weather drain --                               
I've been down there again,                                 
Looking upwards.  (They haven't a clue.)                    
                                                            
41034 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Though panties young Pamela lacks,                          
Her pussy resembles a yak's;                                
While Debbie wears tight                                    
Ones, translucent and white,                                
Which ride up between both of her cracks.                   
                                                            
41035 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



The Colchester Road that I know                             
Is full of young nurses aglow;                              
Not one is a dog                                            
And they leave me agog,                                     
With a feeling of tightness below.                          
                                                            
41036 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



It's exercise, see, for the fingers                         
For girls who need petting that lingers;                    
And though I'm not hung                                     
Like a donkey, my tongue                                    
Is perfection for sweet cunnilingus.                        
                                                            
41037 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



When Debbie takes care of my hose                           
In the regular Ying and Yang pose,                          
It leaves both of my hands                                  
For her mammary glands,                                     
While my tongue goes to work on her rose.                   
                                                            
41038 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



Because today is Virgin Day,                                
I'll stay down here, out of the way.                        
Until you call for,                                         
Something more hard-core,                                   
To tend to your trouser affray.                             
                                                            
41039 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



The surgical nurse, Miss McCall,                            
Is competent, lovely and tall.                              
She is negative toward                                      
A chase in the ward,                                        
But welcomes pursuit in the hall.                           
                                                            
41040 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        VOL 6                    



Thanks, Nurse, I'm feeling much better                      
(Lovely things there in your sweater).                      
My poor fleshy tube                                         
Just needs a good lube;                                     
Please help me to make it wetter.                           
                                                            
41041 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Jim Weaver Collection    



Subliminal phantasmagoria                                   
Of nurses like Gladys and Gloria,                           
Can leave one defenceless                                   
To utterly senseless,                                       
Conditions of lustful euphoria.                             
                                                            
41042 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



You glide like a dream 'round the room,                     
While my heart it goes boom-titty-boom.                     
And the glorious sight                                      
Of your uniform tight,                                      
Causes willy to harden and bloom.                           
                                                            
41043 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



I'm silently watching the sweet                             
Little nurses pass by on the street;                        
But alas and alack,                                         
Seems I haven't the knack,                                  
For not one's fallen down at my feet.                       
                                                            
41044 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



The ladies in virginal white,                               
Who roam in the wards late at night,                        
Although they're a dream,                                   
And are not what they seem,                                 
They're not virgins and not very tight.                     
                                                            
41045 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Archie                   



I salivate, slobber and drool                               
At Emily, barely left school;                               
A nursing assistant                                         
Who give me persistant                                      
Unruly tumesence of tool.                                   
                                                            
41046 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Now, I just came to work in a place                         
With Nurses right there in my face.                         
I'll test them all, too;                                    
There's more than a few,                                    
If Matron will get off my case!                             
                                                            
41047 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Archie                   



That limerick will lead you off-base;                       
What was said, was not quite the case.                      
He's having such fun;                                       
He'd get some work done,                                    
If Matron would get off on his face.                        
                                                            
41048 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Marlene Lewis            



Pull up the sheets, she's drawing near                      
With a quart-sized injection.  Your fear                    
Is her inspiration.                                         
Here comes penetration!                                     
I think she's abscessed with your rear.                     
                                                            
41049 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Cyber Wizard             



There was this mortician, DeWitt,                           
A low and unprincipled shit.                                
He speadeagled a nurse                                      
On the floor of the hearse,                                 
And didn't regret it one bit.                               
                                                            
41050 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Armand E Singer        59



Will you fondle me under the sheet,                         
While I play with your boobs and your neat                  
Little buttocks? I pray                                     
We can do it today;                                         
Will you give me this one little treat?                     
                                                            
41051 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



So dextrous a doctor was he,                                
His technique was something to see.                         
'Till nurse Dowd, a virgin,                                 
Cried out, "Oh, my surgeon!                                 
You poked the wrong organ in me!"                           
                                                            
41052 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



There once was an eager young nurse,                        
Who felt that she had to rehearse,                          
Every sexual joy,                                           
Every hot little ploy,                                      
To succeed in becoming perverse.                            
                                                            
41053 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Isaac Asimov             



I'm sure that we're both here by fate.                      
I'm going to ask her for a date,                            
(Could do a lot worse                                       
Than this cheery nurse)                                     
Right after she's checked my prostate.                      
                                                            
41054 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY                                 



We nurses are portrayed as flirts,                          
Wearing sussies and little white skirts.                    
But it's scrubs that I wear;                                
No spike heels, so there!                                   
(Well, maybe for certain perverts.)                         
                                                            
41055 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Cheryl                   



Young Katie and Sue are two nurses                          
Who earn from their patients wild curses,                   
By shaving their pubes                                      
And poking in tubes,                                        
While singing some very rude verses.                        
                                                            
41056 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Archie                   



"My poor back," said the man, "I did twist it,              
And my sex life, for years I have missed it."               
The doc's nurse, young in years,                            
Heard his story in tears,                                   
So she stood on her head and he kissed it.                  
                                                            
41057 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Albin Chaplin   3024-1912



On Saturday mornings, I loves                               
To visit Nurse Deborah Doves;                               
It's worth every pound                                      
For the sight and the sound                                 
Of her snapping on surgical gloves.                         
                                                            
41058 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



All right, Mister Big, get 'em off!                         
No shyness!  Come on!  Let's just doff                      
The shirt, pants and shoes...                               
Silk underwear too!                                         
Now head to the side and let's cough.                       
                                                            
41059 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Nurse Doves              



I've snapped to attention, Miss Doves,                      
On hearing those surgical gloves;                           
Now percy is yours.                                         
(Though inside of your drawers,                             
He'd be done in a couple of shoves.)                        
                                                            
41060 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Oh Peter, old fellow, old chap,                             
On Fridays Nurse Doves mops my lap                          
And ass, which she loves,                                   
Then says, "These great gloves                              
On Saturdays, still have their 'snap'."                     
                                                            
41061 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Travis Brasell           



So what if they do?  I make sure                            
She uses a pair from the store,                             
Hermetically sealed                                         
On which nowt is congealed,                                 
'Fore she snaps 'em and gives me what for.                  
                                                            
41062 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Twin nurses, young Kirsty and Kate,                         
Had fun every Friday at eight;                              
For that's when they toured                                 
The men's sugical ward,                                     
In a rather inebriate state.                                
                                                            
41063 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



In uniforms virginal white,                                 
And teasingly tiny and tight,                               
They'd wiggle and jiggle                                    
Their bosoms and giggle,                                    
While causing the geezers delight.                          
                                                            
41064 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Though one of the gentlemen, Jim,                           
Had never had inklings for quim,                            
The others would snuffle,                                   
Kerfluffle or puffle                                        
And shuffle with vigor and vim.                             
                                                            
41065 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Except for curmudgeonly Fred,                               
Who sat there impassive in bed,                             
Avoiding the sight                                          
Of their uniforms tight,                                    
On account the poor bugger was dead.                        
                                                            
41066 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Peter Wilkins            



Sometimes, I'm a sweet Southern belle,                      
Wearing high heels and pearls, can you tell?                
Soft-spoken, demure --                                      
Not one thought impure --                                   
It's a role at which I excel.                               
                                                            
41067 MEDICAL - NURSES - SEXY        Kaylin                   



There was a young lady named Kitchener,                     
Who slipped on the quayside at Itchenor.                    
In spite of the pain,                                       
She laughed like a drain,                                   
When the surgeon inserted a stitch in her.                  
                                                            
41068 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



To the Doctor's office he went.                             
"Castrate me," said the young gent.                         
The Doc said, "I'm through,                                 
Circumcision too?"                                          
"Damn!  That's the word that I meant."                      
                                                            
41069 MEDICAL - SURGERY              John Futhey              



"This looks like two squid on two bikes,"                   
Said the surgeon of poor Michael Sykes.                     
As he held up the tumor,                                    
(He loved stand-up humor                                    
And could never resist open mikes).                         
                                                            
41070 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Graham Lester            



An aneurysm operation                                       
And my rehabilitation                                       
Has left me averse                                          
To writing any verse                                        
While waiting each alleviation.                             
                                                            
41071 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Irving Superior    P9809 



Asked a patient who faced appendectomy,                     
"What kind of a fee d'you expectomy?"                       
Said the doc, "Since your pulse                             
Indicates the results,                                      
Any kind but a post-dated checktomy."                       
                                                            
41072 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Ogden Nash          P9002



"The pain, Dr. Smith, is unbearable!"                       
"Yes, yes, Miss, I know it is terrible.                     
But to cure a broken heart                                  
Is beyond a surgeon's art,                                  
Or at least, since I'm married, unethical.                  
                                                            
41073 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Lance Payne         P8503



There was a young man from Kilkenny                         
Who claimed that he didn't have any;                        
But the poor fellow lied,                                   
They were way up inside,                                    
And he had them brought down for a penny.                   
                                                            
41074 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Harald S. Green     P8510



The hand surgeon's pecker was sick;                         
A tendon transplant did the trick,                          
Which he took from his hand.                                
His erection is grand,                                      
But he can't get a hold of his prick.                       
                                                            
41075 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Albin Chaplin   3024-3012



Said a demented surgeon, Ben Dix,                           
"I found a new way to get kicks.                            
Down at the library,                                        
It gets kind of scary,                                      
When I remove a book's appendix."                           
                                                            
41076 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Tom Patton          P9506



There once was a young man named Ennis                      
With lots of foreskin on his penis.                         
Said his girlfriend, a Jew,                                 
"It's Bris time for you,                                    
'Cause I don't want your foreskin between us."              
                                                            
41077 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



An unscrupulous surgeon was queried                         
About how his case outcomes had varied.                     
He said, "When it works,                                    
I charge them their shirts,                                 
But the serious problems are buried."                       
                                                            
41078 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Nick D Kim               



The bachelor girl who gets plastered,                       
And fears she'll be screwed by some bastard,                
Should get her physician,                                   
To make an incision,                                        
And be doctored before she is mastered.                     
                                                            
41079 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



A baby was born to Miss Gellicutt,                          
Delivered by means of a belly cut.                          
After sewing the patch,                                     
The doc tickled her snatch.                                 
She awoke and exclaimed, "You're indelicate."               
                                                            
41080 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Albin Chaplin 3024  G2693



My Doc is a really good egg.                                
I'd buy him a beer or a keg.                                
He incised my nose,                                         
But I must disclose                                         
That he charged me an arm and a leg.                        
                                                            
41081 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a short-kilted North Briton                       
Who promiscuouisly sat on a kitten.                         
But the kitten had claws--                                  
The immediate cause                                         
Of that North Briton's abrupt circumcision.                 
                                                            
41082 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                  G2714



I think I am going to be sick;                              
There's a wart on the end of my stick.                      
As to how it got there,                                     
I really don't care,                                        
But the medic said, "Cut if off, quick!"                    
                                                            
41083 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Mike O'Conner            



A surgeon with excellent vision                             
Was proud of his working precision.                         
His stitches and scars                                      
He displayed in glass jars,                                 
Or framed them (with patients permission).                  
                                                            
41084 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                  P8302



A neurotic young playboy named Gleason                      
Liked boys for no tangible reason.                          
A frontal lobotomy                                          
Cured him of sodomy,                                        
But ruined his plans for the season.                        
                                                            
41085 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



Hard of hearing was Dr. Lambier.                            
While operating on a brain that was queer,                  
He misheard lobotomy,                                       
Thought he heard sodomy,                                    
And fucked the guy in the left ear.                         
                                                            
41086 MEDICAL - SURGERY              John Chastaine           



Confessed that great surgeon, George Pitt,                  
"I hate to carve into a tit,                                
And as for a rectum,                                        
It's worse to disect 'em;                                   
They're apt to be full of dead shit."                       
                                                            
41087 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Armand E Singer       880



"Ugly people," a surgeon reflected,                         
"Would never feel sad or dejected                           
If they only knew                                           
That like others, they too                                  
Would make handsome cadavers dissected."                    
                                                            
41088 MEDICAL - SURGERY              A. N. Wilkins       P8503



When boys are quite young, circumcise them.                 
I know you think that terrifies them.                       
It may make them small,                                     
But there is a cure-all;                                    
A doctor I know magnifies them.                             
                                                            
41089 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Al Willis                



A man who could not bend to his toes,                       
Told a surgeon the cause of his woes.                       
After a surgical binge                                      
And a two-jointed hinge,                                    
Now forward and backward he goes.                           
                                                            
41090 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Edwin J Weinstein        



I'm going away.  I'll be back.                              
My doctor is on the attack.                                 
She's ripping out bits;                                     
Recovery's the pits.                                        
Excuse me -- I gotta go pack.                               
                                                            
41091 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Marlene Lewis            



There was a young fellow named Ted,                         
Who had a radio put in his head.                            
Long wave or short,                                         
He did it for sport,                                        
And to improve his reception in bed.                        
                                                            
41092 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



Katie Zeta-Jones, some surmise,                             
Has had some dumb surgeon excise                            
From her bags of money,                                     
And though it seems funny,                                  
The bags she had under her eyes.                            
                                                            
41093 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Tiddy Ogg                



No doubt is was all for the best,                           
And hopefully she was impressed.                            
Let's hope her next move,                                   
Is not to remove                                            
Those bags that she has on her chest.                       
                                                            
41094 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Tiddy Ogg                



He regrets the entire episode;                              
He lanced the poor man's sinus node.                        
"Boy what a goof!                                           
And now the reproof:                                        
The fellow is now pigeon-toed."                             
                                                            
41095 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Jim Weaver Collection    



On two crazy zoo hippopotami                                
They did a prefrontal lobotomy;                             
Both creatures complained                                   
"Oh my, I'm debrained;                                      
The vets have removed a whole lot o' me."                   
                                                            
41096 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Armand E Singer       737



It is such a strange dichotomy,                             
That there is just such a lot of me.                        
I must confess                                              
That I should weigh less,                                   
'Cause I lost weight with a lobotomy!                       
                                                            
41097 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Waukesha Don        T9801



A very young surgeon named Hare,                            
Told Time what he'd done on a dare.                         
"I gave a lobotomy                                          
To twin hippopotami,                                        
Now one of them's running for mayor.                        
                                                            
41098 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



"Doctor Upjohn, the risk is immense."                       
"Don't panic; just use common sense.                        
I will start the incision,                                  
But without supervision.                                    
You get on the phone and call Spence."                      
(Spence Gardner, hot shot lawyer, 1980's & '90's)           
41099 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Al Willis                



Jan's appendix came out in a session                        
That left a real lasting impression.                        
Now she tells us with pride,                                
She makes more on the side,                                 
Than her regular day-time profession.                       
                                                            
41100 MEDICAL - SURGERY              John Miller              



There once was a man with a hernia                          
Who said to his doctor "Gol-dern ya,                        
Now don't make a botch                                      
Of this job on my crotch.                                   
And don't cut things that do not concern ya!"               
                                                            
41101 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



"Be precise from the very first slice,"                     
Said a surgeon when asked for advice.                       
"To the patient below,                                      
It's no comfort to know                                     
That you won't make the same mistake twice."                
                                                            
41102 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Laurence Perrine    P8503



A surgeon called Jeremy Fife                                
Cut off the leg of his wife.                                
He didn't repent.                                           
What an arrogant gent --                                    
Said, "She's lucky to have her life!"                       
                                                            
41103 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Jim Weaver Collection    



To the intern said Chief Surgeon Lear,                      
"The patient is paramount here!                             
And not merely, Mitch,                                      
The raw stuff of which                                      
A young surgeon can carve his career!"                      
                                                            
41104 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                  P8305



An effete little fellow named Hunt                          
Said, "I hate being such a weird runt."                     
At his best buddy's urgin'                                  
He went to a surgeon,                                       
And asked, "Can't you guess what I wunt?"                   
                                                            
41105 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                  G2025



An amazing profession's Eliza's:                            
She helps people who want to change sizes.                  
She's had as her clients                                    
Both pigmies and giants;                                    
They're so grateful, they give her top prizes.              
                                                            
41106 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Robin K. Willoughby P8503



They say wanking can hinder your vision;                    
All it takes is a simple incision.                          
If the surgery's smooth                                     
When you have a rib removed,                                
Your own sexual juxtaposition.                              
                                                            
41107 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                       



A teacher whose named was Miss Nolan                        
Excised a kids semi-colon.                                  
The kid was quite pained                                    
And then he explained,                                      
"And once she removed my colon."                            
                                                            
41108 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Al Willis           P9507



My pecker is too large, by far;                             
It causes my girlfriend to scar.                            
My surgeon said, "Frank,                                    
We can shorten your shank;                                  
The procedure is safe, yet bizarre!"                        
                                                            
41109 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Mark Levy           P9704



The Doc said, "This whatchamacallit                         
Is easy to cut; just eyeball it."                           
"This incision is large.                                    
How much should I charge?"                                  
"Just tell me the size of his wallet."                      
                                                            
41110 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Al Willis           P9704



As a HARBINGER, one could foresee                           
That some pain, there surely would be.                      
The post operative site                                     
Would sting, hurt or bite!                                  
And so would the dear surgeon's fee!                        
                                                            
41111 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Maggie                   



My surgeon had once been a Sir-gent.                        
He liked sturgeon served up with detergent.                 
A regular cut-up                                            
Who never would shut up,                                    
His motto was "Surgury urgent!"                             
                                                            
41112 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Laurence Perrine    P8503



A surgeon, while sewing a suture,                           
In a kidney without any future,                             
Was composing a verse                                       
To a registered nurse,                                      
To buttress his effort to smooch her.                       
                                                            
41113 MEDICAL - SURGERY                                  P8305



There once was a nearsighted gynie                          
Whose glasses were sparkly and shiny.                       
But they stayed in the drawer                               
While he worked on a whore,                                 
And tied up the tubes of her heiney.                        
                                                            
41114 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Jim Weaver Collection    



The convalaescent Miss Lee                                  
Had a neat apendectomy,                                     
With curious stitching,                                     
Engaging, bewitching;                                       
She displayed at the Tate Gallery.                          
                                                            
41115 MEDICAL - SURGERY              VOL 6                    



There once was a surgeon of note                            
Who liked to read what he wrote.                            
He thought he'd gain fame                                   
If he signed his full name                                  
Into each little scar for a quote.                          
                                                            
41116 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Edwin J Weinstein        



There once was a patient irate,                             
Who ordered his Doc to castrate.                            
"I regret my decision;                                      
I meant circumcision!"                                      
Alas, 'twas too little, too late!                           
                                                            
41117 MEDICAL - SURGERY              Steve Zink               



I must have been plagued with a curse,                      
My headaches could not have been worse.                     
Had many test ran,                                          
Including CAT scan,                                         
On Sunday, got word from the nurse.                         
                                                            
41118 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Jumping Jack             



"We've got some bad news to report.                         
Brain surgury's your only resort.                           
Should be done right away,                                  
But expect short delay;                                     
On Mondays, Doc's always in court!"                         
                                                            
41119 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Jumping Jack             



There once was a surgeon whose sight                        
Was a little bit less than all right.                       
When his patient awoke,                                     
It wasn't a joke                                            
For his ass was sewed up a mite tight.                      
                                                            
41120 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Edwin J Weinstein        



There was a young man named Ender                           
Who wanted to change from his gender.                       
When he inquired of me,                                     
I told him that he                                          
Should stick both his balls in a blender!                   
                                                            
41121 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Oblivion                 



Plastic surgeon Smith freely admits,                        
His treatment of Bill was the pits.                         
Bill wanted fast purgin',                                   
But the dimwitted surgeon                                   
Instead gave him silicone tits.                             
                                                            
41122 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



When the bridge-builder blunders, he shakes;                
There is no way to hide what he makes.                      
From the wreckage is seen --                                
But the surgeon is clean --                                 
If he blunders, he buries mistakes.                         
                                                            
41123 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Albin Chaplin   3024-2790



There once was a surgeon I knew                             
Who practiced calligraphy too.                              
In each new incision                                        
He'd cut with precision,                                    
His own little cute curlicue.                               
                                                            
41124 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Edwin J Weinstein        



I committed a small peccadillo                              
During surgery, Mr. Murillo...                              
But both balls we've saved!                                 
They're still nicely shaved;                                
You'll find them right there, 'neath your pillow.           
                                                            
41125 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Tutta Gioia              



"My genitals!  GONE!"  Consternation.                       
Poor Tommy cried tears of frustration.                      
The surgeon tight-lipped                                    
Said, "Damn chisel, it slipped.                             
I'm afraid I lost all concentration."                       
                                                            
41126 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



"A CHISEL!?"  "Well that; and a saw.                        
And a bread-knife (I'm not really sure)."                   
"You used WHAT!!  And a chisel?"                            
"Look Tommy, don't grizzle;                                 
Now is your appendix still sore?"                           
                                                            
41127 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



The Doc gave the guy a cystoscopy;                          
Said he would need a iliostomy.                             
The Doc was a boob;                                         
He cut the wrong tube.                                      
The guy ended with a colostomy.                             
                                                            
41128 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



It was done to a patient, post-bellum;                      
Doc severed the man's cerebellum.                           
"But, when he awakes,                                       
With fierce headaches,                                      
Do you think anyone ought to tell him?"                     
                                                            
41129 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Al Willis                



There was a nice man from New Yawk,                         
Whose tongue was the shape of a fawk.                       
A doctor named Young                                        
Remodeled his tongue                                        
To put the 'R's back, when he'd tawk.                       
                                                            
41130 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Edwin J Weinstein        



This man still couldn't say "ah"                            
'Cause his tongue was now in a jah.                         
He was decidedly worse                                      
'Cause he made the wrong cherce,                            
When his surgury turned out bizzah.                         
                                                            
41131 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Edwin J Weinstein        



He went back to Doctor Van Kamp,                            
Because he complained of a cramp.                           
Doc said, "It's mandate;                                    
We must operate."                                           
And he found his old surgical clamp!                        
                                                            
41132 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Al Willis           T9712



You may scoff but it's something I fear.                    
If not now, the time soon will be here.                     
I for one won't rejoice,                                    
Being given no choice,                                      
When they graft a cell phone to my ear.                     
                                                            
41133 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



After "resting" (alas and alack),                           
The incompetent surgeon is back,                            
Wielding chisel and saw                                     
In the theater once more,                                   
And he's waiting for bodies to hack.                        
                                                            
41134 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



And first is young Thomas whose dick                        
Is priapic. The surgeon is quick                            
With his pen-knife to chop it                               
But nursey says, "Stop it;                                  
My pussy will sure do the trick."                           
                                                            
41135 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



He's well back on form now. The surgeon,                    
With needle and thread, needs no urgin'                     
To take up the slack                                        
In Veronica's crack.                                        
(She's a nun and must prove she's a virgin.)                
                                                            
41136 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



He opens her thighs very wide                               
And succumbs to temptations to ride                         
Her, then sews up her lips                                  
And with staples he clips                                   
'Em but leaves his hard dongle inside.                      
                                                            
41137 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



"Oh bugger!" he says with a shout                           
As he tries (but in vain) to pull out.                      
Now it seems that he's stuck                                
In a permanent fuck;                                        
He'll be sued for a fortune, no doubt.                      
                                                            
41138 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



But Sister Veronica didn't                                  
Sue the surgeon; her eyes had a glint.                      
"I'm so grateful", she said,                                
As he took out the thread                                   
And unstapled that horny young bint.                        
                                                            
41139 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



An ambisinister surgeon,                                    
Whose work brought a deluge of dirgin',                     
When finally sued,                                          
No license renewed;                                         
Retired at colleagues' great urgin'.                        
                                                            
41140 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Chris Papa               



There was a young Doc called Lamotta                        
Whom I would describe as a rotta.                           
With scalpel, the dummy,                                    
He aimed at the tummy,                                      
And sliced the medulla oblongata.                           
                                                            
41141 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Al Willis                



There's a bosomy dame of good name                          
Who, when robbed by a surgeon of fame,                      
Looked down in dismay                                       
And was tempted to say,                                     
"I'm sure I had two when I came."                           
                                                            
41142 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Sara Alsop          P8305



Released from yon prison, alack,                            
The Incompetent Surgeon is back.                            
Watch your guts if you're ill,                              
And your tits if you're Jill,                               
Or your bollocks and dick if you're Jack.                   
                                                            
41143 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



Too late for young Debbie, I fear;                          
She's had haemorrhoids most of the year.                    
In attempting to freeze                                     
Them, he gave them a squeeze                                
And like ferrets, they shot up her rear.                    
                                                            
41144 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



"Oh do stop that screaming", he said,                       
As her buttocks he parted and spread.                       
"Let me claw them back down",                               
He exclaimed with a frown,                                  
"And I'll tie them in bunches, instead."                    
                                                            
41145 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



Too late for unfortunate Hugh;                              
Appendectomy well overdue;                                  
For the surgeon's unsure                                    
Where he ought to explore,                                  
Or indeed if he's looking for two.                          
                                                            
41146 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



Poor Hugh's in the theatre now                              
And the surgeon is mopping his brow.                        
For his scalpel is blunt                                    
And there's blood on the front                              
Of his gown from Hugh's tonsils I vow.                      
                                                            
41147 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



The doctor that elderly Jack saw                            
Said. "Jack, no surprise that your back's sore;             
It seems that your op see,                                  
A major biopsy,                                             
Was done by a surgeon with hacksaw."                        
                                                            
41148 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



"A what!?  A biopsy!?" said Jack;                           
"All I said was I'm losing the knack                        
Now I'm ninety, of screwing                                 
My wife without doing                                       
A mischief, at times, to my back."                          
                                                            
41149 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



A surgeon from Glascow called Mac,                          
Once forgot to put everything back.                         
As his train made to start,                                 
His case came apart,                                        
And a big kidney rolled down the track.                     
                                                            
41150 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Michael Palin            



A surgeon was in quite a bind,                              
His scalpel -- he must have been blind!                     
To the patient he said "It                                  
Will come out when you shit.                                
Please return -- washed if you don't mind.                  
                                                            
41151 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Mike Dale                



Instead of vasectomy, Hugh                                  
Was castrated. The doctor was new                           
And said, "Sorry m'lad                                      
That you seem to be mad;                                    
Does it make a vas deferens to you?"                        
                                                            
41152 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



That litigious young man with a hernia                      
Told his surgeon, "You've made a botch, dernia!             
Since you've fouled up in style,                            
I'm proceeding to file                                      
A malpractice suit simply to learn ya."                     
                                                            
41153 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      A. N. Wilkins       P8507



"Have you sensed any strange titillation,"                  
Asked the doctor, "a tingling sensation?                    
Our staff surgeon is quizzing --                            
His new pager is missing                                    
Since your recent gall stone operation."                    
                                                            
41154 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      William N. Nesbit   P9610



It isn't a wise exclamation                                 
To say in all things moderation.                            
For if this is true,                                        
You've still something to do,                               
On the topic of Leg Amputation.                             
                                                            
41155 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



The doc fixed the cunt of whore Horner,                     
But clients proceeded to scorn her,                         
For his skilled repairs                                     
Were now hid behind hairs,                                  
And the entrance was just 'round the corner.                
                                                            
41156 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Albin Chaplin            



Her plastic nose surgeon was slime,                         
But she did not know at the time.                           
She kind of suspected                                       
Once he had injected                                        
His plastic nose up her behind.                             
                                                            
41157 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Jon Gearhart             



A funny old man named Poo T.                                
Announced to all he had the key --                          
"An active sex life                                         
Is cured with a knife."                                     
That's not the solution for me!                             
                                                            
41158 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



A surgeon called Dr. McDuff                                 
Used to operate quite off the cuff...                       
Having just learned the male,                               
When he opened up Gail,                                     
Cried, "My God! What is all this stuff?"                    
                                                            
41159 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      TuttaGioia               



There was a young athlete, Big Dell,                        
Whose tool was too large for his belle.                     
While the surgeon was clipping,                             
The knife started slipping,                                 
Now he's called by his friends, Little Nell.                
                                                            
41160 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



An unlucky old patient named Koch                           
Needed major repairs on his crotch;                         
Now the interns all flipped                                 
When the surgeon's knife slipped;                           
A penisectomy is painful to watch.                          
                                                            
41161 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Armand E Singer       322



The vicar's wife, down at the rectory,                      
Had a do-it-yourself tonsillectomy,                         
A swallow she made                                          
Of an old razor blade,                                      
And the bonus, a neat hysterectomy.                         
                                                            
41162 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



But those weren't the only incisions,                       
That night, with her man in position,                       
That blade did emerge,                                      
In an orgasmic surge,                                       
And gave him a quick circumcision.                          
                                                            
41163 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



The incompetent surgeon is back;                            
In the sluice-room he's having a whack.                     
(When finished, I hope                                      
He remembers the soap                                       
And removes his disgusting old Mac.)                        
                                                            
41164 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



His next operation is due                                   
In less than a minute or two.                               
Already prepared                                            
Is young Debbie, de-haired,                                 
With incision marks pencilled in blue.                      
                                                            
41165 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



The nurse is still searching the floor                      
For scalpels, blunt needles and more.                       
They slipped t'other day                                    
From the instrument tray,                                   
After surgury finished at four.                             
                                                            
41166 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



The anaesthetist looks at his watch                         
And sighs as he fondles his crotch.                         
Then scratching his ass,                                    
Takes a sniff of the gas,                                   
And a swig from a bottle of scotch.                         
                                                            
41167 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



All's ready; we wait to begin.                              
The surgeon comes staggering in.                            
He looks for a vein;                                        
Then he picks up his chain-                                 
Saw and switches it on with a grin.                         
                                                            
41168 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



He shouts at the nurse to stand back;                       
With a yell, he begins his attack.                          
At terrible fate                                            
For poor Debbie, but wait...                                
He hacked off his own tackle slack.                         
                                                            
41169 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



There once was a girl quite annoyed,                        
By a tremendous, festering 'roid.                           
She lay on her tummy                                        
While they whittled her bummy,                              
Now her sphincter is totally destroyed.                     
                                                            
41170 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Hambone                  



The late Johnny Smith left this globe                       
With a damaged parietal lobe.                               
I'll give you a clue:                                       
His doctor, who's new,                                      
Used a scalpel instead of a probe.                          
                                                            
41171 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Al Willis           P9806



Old Doctor Trepanning the brain                             
Surgeon's losing his marbles again;                         
For whenever work's dull,                                   
He chops bits off his skull,                                
And declares himself perfectly sane.                        
                                                            
41172 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



A doctor ingested uranium,                                  
Then surgically opened a cranium.                           
His bowels got churny,                                      
Spewed crap on the gurney,                                  
The patient has shit for a brain-ium.                       
                                                            
41173 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



There once was a surgeon of note                            
Who liked to read what he wrote.                            
He thought he'd gain fame                                   
If he signed his full name                                  
Into each little scar for a quote.                          
                                                            
41174 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Edwin J Weinstein        



"What the hell have you done to your bits?"                 
"I've had silicone implants, dear Fritz;                    
Well, you wanted me bigger",                                
She said with a snigger.                                    
"Not there; what I meant were your tits."                   
                                                            
41175 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



"I'll make the incision right here",                        
Said the surgeon, "Now concentrate, dear.                   
See? It's simple as ... Shit!                               
Now I've sliced off her tit;                                
And I have no insurance, I fear!"                           
                                                            
41176 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



A wrinkled old gal from Ft. Lee,                            
Unwilling to pay an M.D.                                    
Tried a home-made face-lift                                 
But the lift took a shift                                   
And her pubis is now a goatee.                              
                                                            
41177 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Bob Giandomenico    P9107



The thought's bringing tears to my eyes                     
And I'd grimace with pain. I surmise                        
If the doc made suggestions,                                
I'd answer his questions                                    
With mezzo-soprano replies.                                 
                                                            
41178 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



Most surgeons agree it is so,                               
Their masks are not really for show.                        
If there is a mistake,                                      
They'll all get a break;                                    
Who cut the wrong thing?  We won't know!                    
                                                            
41179 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Jeralah                  



An English urologist Krumm                                  
Let the nail grow too long on his thumb.                    
Under threat of perjury,                                    
I swear he does surgery                                     
With the thrust of his thumb up your bum.                   
                                                            
41180 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Tom Patton               



I seem to be missing some gear;                             
My hammer and chisel are here,                              
But where are my trusty                                     
Old pliers and rusty                                        
Old carving-knife?  Vanished I fear.                        
                                                            
41181 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



I'll find 'em, but meanwhile just wait.                     
Get ready; I'll make a new date;                            
But say, what would please ya                               
More - no anaesthesia?                                      
Or battered unconscious, old mate?                          
                                                            
41182 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Jon Gearhart             



The naughty young nurse is now here,                        
To assist in your surgery dear.                             
I'll give Doc a hand,                                       
Repairing to your gland,                                    
But first can I please have a beer?                         
                                                            
41183 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT                               



"Now this," said the surgeon, "Is gut;                      
And there's hundreds of yards of it; but                    
It's so slippery...Shit!                                    
Where the hell does it fit?                                 
I'll just shove the damn stuff up his butt!"                
                                                            
41184 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



I went to the doctor, said "Please,                         
Such pain, won't you help me find ease?"                    
But the old CHARLATAN                                       
Said "We'll have to trepan --                               
There's no other way to appease."                           
                                                            
41185 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Eva Amata                



He took out a Colt .45;                                     
I flipped into angst overdrive                              
And said to that quack:                                     
You put that thing back --                                  
I'd rather be sore and alive!"                              
                                                            
41186 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Eva Amata                



A surgeon with careful precision                            
Took aim and then made his incision.                        
He passed out when he saw                                   
All the blood and the gore;                                 
Now he's treated with utmost derision.                      
                                                            
41187 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



"So he wants a vasectomy?  Fool!",                          
Said the surgeon, "Just lift up his tool                    
And I'll show you some tricks                               
With a couple of bricks                                     
That I learned in veterinary school!"                       
(shades of the camel to drink - McW)                        
41188 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Peter Wilkins            



There was a young harlot of Clyde,                          
Whose doctor cut open her hide.                             
He misplaced his stitches                                   
And closed the wrong niches;                                
She now does her work on the side.                          
                                                            
41189 MEDICAL - SURGERY - INEPT      Anon                G1761



An old man who had his face lifted,                         
Was vain and told them he was gifted.                       
But everyone who saw                                        
The pubic hair on his jaw,                                  
Knew how much the skin had been shifted.                    
                                                            
41190 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                             



This poor fellow just couldn't win;                         
The stench of his breath was a sin.                         
And as the face rose,                                       
That long runny nose                                        
Gave way to an odd double chin.                             
                                                            
41191 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                             



An old woman, well-known for her pluck,                     
Had a face-lift, prosthesis, and tuck.                      
When the bill was presented                                 
She said, "I'm demented!                                    
The lengths which I'll go for a fuck!"                      
                                                            
41192 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                             



Her beauty was fading away.                                 
Doc said, "One more facelift? No way!                       
Apply this face cream.                                      
But don't even dream                                        
It's a cure - just Oil of Okay."                            
                                                            
41193 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                             



Insistent she was though, I heared,                         
For a facelift, and just as he feared,                      
Once they pulled the skin tight                             
She sure looked a sight...                                  
She's sporting a fuzzy black beard.                         
                                                            
41194 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                             



Two inept plastic surgeons, both shits,                     
Were, at breast augmentation, the pits.                     
Their work on false knockers,                               
Inflamed irate mockers;                                     
They clearly made patients take fits.                       
                                                            
41195 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC    Bob Giandomenico    P0305



When skin gets all wrinkled and slack,                      
And gravity weighs down the rack,                           
A pull, nip, and a tuck,                                    
Some cellulite suck;                                        
What time takes, a surgeon gives back.                      
                                                            
41196 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                             



Said the surgeon, "I drink, Mrs. Buck,                      
So we're both of us really in luck.                         
Since your sexual cavern                                    
Is as big as a tavern,                                      
What I plan is to nip...and then tuck."                     
                                                            
41197 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                             



"Your impotent husband, you see,                            
Needs implants," advised Dr. Bee;                           
"They'll allow an erection,                                 
They will stop his dejection,                               
And warrant my outrageous fee."                             
                                                            
41198 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC    Armand E Singer       833



When Jill's features give her some woes,                    
To the plastic surgeon, she goes.                           
If you want the same,                                       
Then Ogg is the name.                                       
Come on girls, and pick your own nose.                      
                                                            
41199 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC    Tiddy                    



There once was a maid with a pimple;                        
To have it removed was quite simple.                        
'Twas cut out with a knife;                                 
For the rest of her life,                                   
In its place she was left with a dimple.                    
                                                            
41200 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC    Edwin J Weinstein        



An unfortunate lady named Piles,                            
Had the ugliest bottom for miles.                           
But her surgeon took pity                                   
And made it quite pretty,                                   
All dimples, and poutings, and smiles.                      
                                                            
41201 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC                        G0421



There once was a lady called Rose                           
Who was ashamed of the shape of her nose.                   
So she had it arranged                                      
To have the shape changed;                                  
Only now it honks when she blows.                           
                                                            
41202 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC    Edwin J Weinstein        



A surgeon who hailed from Cape Horn,                        
Had rebuilt a cock that was worn.                           
But his climaxing feat                                      
Was replacing the meat,                                     
Of a snatch that was tattered and torn.                     
                                                            
41203 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC    Albin Chaplin   3024-1763



An attempt to restore your virginity                        
Would test the great minds of surgeonity.                   
The best we could do                                        
Is a small stitch or two,                                   
And shave off your patch of furrinity.                      
                                                            
41204 MEDICAL - SURGERY - PLASTIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



For a wrinkled old biddy named Marts                        
Doctors grafted smooth skin from rear parts;                
Her face now looks great,                                   
Still, don't celebrate:                                     
From her mouth come no burps, but vile farts.               
                                                            
41205 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Armand E Singer          



For a wrinkled old biddy named Cass,                        
Doctors grafted smooth skin off her ass.                    
We now see a drouth                                         
Of burps from her mouth,                                    
But she simply can't stop passing gas.                      
                                                            
41206 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Armand E Singer          



There was an old farmer named Dow,                          
Who said, "I feel wonderful now.                            
They've transplanted the tongue,                            
And a piece of the lung,                                    
And the liver which came from mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy cow."       
                                                            
41207 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                                   



Bob Casey, a governor quite smart,                          
Played an important political part.                         
He reversed on an issue,                                    
Post transplant of some tissue,                             
And acknowledged he had had change of heart.                
                                                            
41208 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Thomas G. Heller    P9504



The transplant had finally started;                         
The incision was carefully charted.                         
The dog was just sliced,                                    
And the chicken was spliced,                                
And the dog is not quite chicken-hearted.                   
                                                            
41209 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Al Willis                



The transplant has finally started;                         
The incision was carefully charted.                         
The will has been writ.                                     
The doc's a misfit.                                         
Now pray for the dearly departed.                           
                                                            
41210 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Al Willis           P9801



My doctor said, "You better drop                            
In at our body shop                                         
And select a used heart                                     
From our state of the art                                   
Transplants, in case yours should stop."                    
                                                            
41211 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Dorman John Grace   P9503



The renowned Polish surgeon, Jan Cess,                      
(Though you'd never believe it, I guess)                    
Won his first Nobel prize,                                  
Purest gold, largest size,                                  
For his hemorrhoid transplant success.                      
                                                            
41212 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Armand E Singer         6



How could you let someone nob it?                           
Or permit some old doctor to rob it?                        
I guess planned ones are better                             
Than a surprise go-getter,                                  
Like what Lorena did to old Bobbitt.                        
                                                            
41213 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Res Ipsa                 



Could this be merely a fable?                               
That the surgeons had you on their table?                   
Are you both penile and clittic?                            
Are you hermaphroditic?                                     
To fuck yourself, are you now able?                         
                                                            
41214 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter W                  



Which gender, a boy or a girl,                              
Is most likely to make your toes curl.                      
When you come, do you mess                                  
Up the front of your dress?                                 
Can you give your new nipples a twirl?                      
                                                            
41215 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter W                  



That tune you can play on your crack,                       
Is it 'Air on a G-string' dear Jack?                        
Did your minge have the mange                               
After gender exchange?                                      
Is you innermost body-part slack?                           
                                                            
41216 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter W                  



Do you really want 42D's?                                   
Do they blacken your eyes when you sneeze?                  
Do your nipples get firm                                    
When you play with your worm?                               
Do your flaps flap around in the breeze?                    
                                                            
41217 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter W                  



Do your pantyhose gussets get wet                           
With excitement whenever you pet?                           
Do you squat when you piss?                                 
Can you answer me this --                                   
Is your sex-change a cause for regret?                      
                                                            
41218 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter W                  



If you'd kept all your tackle intact                        
And just added a crack, it's a fact,                        
You would have an excuse                                    
To enjoy self abuse,                                        
With the parts that the other half lacked.                  
                                                            
41219 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter W                  



Now to give yourself self-saatisfaction,                    
You must take immediate action.                             
Go stitch back your dick                                    
And your nuts pretty quick,                                 
And start screwing yourself to distraction.                 
                                                            
41220 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter Wilkins            



As a man, I was having no luck;                             
Twice a year I'd go pay for a fuck.                         
Now with 42D's,                                             
I can fuck when I please,                                   
And no longer feel like some poor schmuck.                  
                                                            
41221 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Jack                     



With my old kit, I'd really get flustered.                  
It was wee.  It could not cut the mustard.                  
Not your big fellow.                                        
A coward. Quite yellow.                                     
In it I was fucking dis-custard.                            
                                                            
41222 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Jack                     



To be petted I've yet to enjoy,                             
With either a girl or a boy.                                
So I whistle at sailors                                     
And nurses and tailors.                                     
Do you think I am being too coy.                            
                                                            
41223 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Jack                     



No regrets do I have of new gender,                         
'Cept toilets, when out on a bender.                        
I find when I sit                                           
That I'll often shit,                                       
Which is making my anus quite tender.                       
                                                            
41224 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Jack                     



A man with a very long foreskin                             
Said, "Doc, I'll be needing some more skin..."              
So they did a quick graft                                   
On the hood of his shaft;                                   
Now he's in the Book of Folklore Skins.                     
                                                            
41225 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Tutta                    



Not the least 'cause the skin was donated                   
By a woman with lobes elongated.                            
The size of her ears                                        
Drew pointing and sneers.                                   
She was punctual -- they were belated.                      
                                                            
41226 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Ogni Gioia               



A cross-eyed doctor named Gene,                             
Performed surgury as a routine.                             
The transplant for Sydney                                   
Was for a new kidney,                                       
But he ended up with a new spleen.                          
                                                            
41227 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Tom Patton          P9704



A homosexual fellow named Preston,                          
Had hair transplanted to his lower intestine.               
Though exceedingly fine                                     
In the buggery line,                                        
It severely impeded digestion.                              
                                                            
41228 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                              L0505



The great Glasgow surgeon McSidney,                         
Was convinced if he transferred a kidney,                   
From a whale to a conger,                                   
It would piss a lot longer.                                 
He could not have been wronger. It didna.                   
                                                            
41229 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                                   



There was a young doctor from Barts,                        
An expert in replacing parts.                               
With a kidney or liver,                                     
He is a life giver,                                         
But does nothing for folks' broken hearts.                  
                                                            
41230 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Arthur Pattaffy          



All the nurses the man was haranguing,                      
On the desk he was constantly banging.                      
"I want my sex change!                                      
An organ exchange!"                                         
But the poor guy, they just left him hanging.               
                                                            
41231 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Of all the transplantings there are,                        
Most famous of all by far -                                 
From Ireland, the town,                                     
Of Limerick, renowned,                                      
Transplanted to Berkeley, CA.      (Moffet, CA.)            
                                                            
41232 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Irving Superior          



I once knew a girl named Lorraine S.;                       
Her gut gave her many complaints, yes.                      
Her doctor, a quack,                                        
Anaesthetized her with smack,                               
And now the girl's mouth is her anus!                       
                                                            
41233 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Kristen Coughlin    T9711



I know you don't think this is true,                        
But you know, this could happen to you.                     
But the bright side of it,                                  
Though she vomits her shit,                                 
She works out her butt while she chews.                     
                                                            
41234 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Kristen Coughlin    T9711



They stitched a new gland into Mose,                        
But some untoward symptoms arose.                           
When he fingered a quiff,                                   
It made his ears stiff,                                     
And he always would come through his nose.                  
                                                            
41235 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                                   



Mose's wife cried, "I'd not give two pins,                  
For our chances to breed kiths or kins!"                    
But Mose sank to his knees,                                 
And managed a sneeze,                                       
And now he's the father of twins.                           
                                                            
41236 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                                   



He admits his appearance is shoddy,                         
His lawn is more seedy than soddy;                          
But an organ or two                                         
Transplanted, won't do,                                     
Where's the list to sign up for a body?                     
                                                            
41237 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Ann Gasser          P9503



Since transplanting has proved to be viable,                
And my dong's been less plied that pliable,                 
Why not graft, as a ringer,                                 
My trusty third finger,                                     
Which, these days, is far more reliable.                    
                                                            
41238 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                              G2225



A transplant that no one would dare --                      
A transplant from my pubic hair.                            
Now girls come afar                                         
To 'oooh' and to 'aaah'                                     
And minature orgasms share.                                 
                                                            
41239 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Irving Superior     P9503



A competent surgeon named Banting                           
Was known for his raving and ranting;                       
When paged by a bell,                                       
He let out a yell                                           
And said, "You damn fool, I'm transplanting!"               
                                                            
41240 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                              P8305



The bride of a man of Lapeer,                               
Removed her fake tits, teeth and gear.                      
So he said with a frown,                                    
As her panties came down,                                   
When you get to the cunt, throw it here.                    
                                                            
41241 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Albin Chaplin   3024-1803



Infected the rear end of Lum,                               
So Doctors must amputate some.                              
And then, sacrosanct,                                       
An anus transplant,                                         
The very first resurrectum.                                 
                                                            
41242 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Irving Superior     P8305



Said an eager young surgeon from Souling,                   
"So far, we have only been fooling.                         
Soon it won't vex us,                                       
To change both the sexes,                                   
It's simply a case of retooling."                           
                                                            
41243 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Playboy's Book Lim  G0262



A young campanologist belle                                 
Rang the bells of St. Thomas so well,                       
That St. Agnes said, "Why                                   
Don't you give us a try?"                                   
"Guess I could ring the changes", said Nell.                
                                                            
41244 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                                   



As the young bearded lady looked strange,                   
P.T. Barnum was quick to arrange                            
To have her appear.                                         
If she showed up next year,                                 
She'd probably have a sex change.                           
                                                            
41245 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          A. N. Wilkins       P8711



The Nantucket man hired a surgeon,                          
Who remodeled his ear; made it burgeon;                     
But it all went for naught,                                 
For the drum was so taut,                                   
He remained an auricular virgin.                            
                                                            
41246 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Ed Potts            P8507



A cowardly harelip named Chip,                              
With girls never had a friendship.                          
So they took a skin graft                                   
From foreskin on his shaft,                                 
And now he keeps a stiff upper lip!                         
                                                            
41247 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Laurence Craft           



Ah, Vienna, the fortress of Freud!                          
Whose surgeons are always employed.                         
Where boys with soft hands                                  
Are provided with glands,                                   
And two-fisted girls are de-boyed.                          
                                                            
41248 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                              G2543



A timid bricklayer named Walter                             
Would always whistle and falter                             
At women passing by,                                        
And the occasional guy                                      
Whose parts were surgically altered!                        
                                                            
41249 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Marcus                   



For a lady, a surgeon named Polk                            
Switched her cunt and her mouth for a joke.                 
It was not all amiss --                                     
She was more fun to kiss,                                   
But she raised up her dress when she spoke.                 
                                                            
41250 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Albin Chaplin   3024-2234



She married a fellow named Frick                            
Whose mouth had been switched with his prick.               
There was no sixty nine                                     
But they got along fine,                                    
When they found ninety-six did the trick.                   
                                                            
41251 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Albin Chaplin   3024-2235



A young man, whose name we won't mention,                   
Had a transplant to lower his tension.                      
At the beat of his heart,                                   
He'd let out a fart,                                        
And his penis would snap to attention.                      
                                                            
41252 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS                                   



Remember that lady from Ryde,                               
Who came with a rocket inside,                              
And shot into space                                         
With a smile on her face,                                   
And said, "Heavens! I think I have died."?                  
                                                            
41253 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



Alas, it was only a dream                                   
That she had, but it really did seem                        
That she'd felt in her minge                                
Something more than a twinge.                               
She said, "Time for another new scheme?"                    
                                                            
41254 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



Said the doctor, "I'm sorry the stunt                       
With the rocket didn't work. I'll be blunt;                 
When the fireworks exploded,                                
It further eroded                                           
You clitoris, G-spot, and cunt.                             
                                                            
41255 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



He continued, "We need something drastic.                   
We'll fashion a cunt out of plastic                         
And stitch on a clit                                        
Which vibrates as you sit."                                 
She said, "Doctor, that's really fantastic!"                
                                                            
41256 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Peter Wilkins            



So he gave her a quick anaesthetic                          
And found a vagina synthetic;                               
Transplanted her clit                                       
And enlarged it a bit,                                      
Until it looked neat and aesthetic.                         
                                                            
41257 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



And while he was tweaking her clit,                         
He decided to check out the fit.                            
So he tried her vagina                                      
But thought that a minor                                    
Adjustment was needed to it.                                
                                                            
41258 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



He smoothed out the lumps and the glitches,                 
And sewed in a few hundred stitches.                        
Before he did that,                                         
He inserted some batt-                                      
eries linked to a number of switches.                       
                                                            
41259 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



He charged up the batteries to last                         
For a couple of months at full blast.                       
Then he labelled the switches,                              
But wondered "Now which is                                  
The "Stop" and the "Slow" and the "Fast".                   
                                                            
41260 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



When she woke, he explained with a smirk                    
How the batteries and switches should work.                 
"I love you", she said,                                     
As she switched on the red                                  
One which caused her whole body to jerk.                    
                                                            
41261 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



This story, dear reader, I've penned                        
Just for fun. Will you finish the end?                      
But I guess the bitch is                                    
Still pressing the switches,                                
And guess what is missing, my friend!                       
                                                            
41262 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          PeterW                   



Poor Peter sounds definetly mad;                            
The situation is now so sad.                                
She doesn't need her                                        
Lonely old peter,                                           
With her batteries and switches. Egad!                      
                                                            
41263 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS          Arden                    



The doctor said "No-one is finer,                           
At this job, for I'm the best gynae-                        
Cologist here,                                              
So you need have no fear,                                   
We'll give you a real good vagina."                         
                                                            
41264 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



A balding young man named McNair,                           
Patched his pate with the snatch of a bear.                 
Said he, "A shampoo,                                        
Is as good as a screw,                                      
And I come when I'm combing my hair."                       
                                                            
41265 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



Well the sex-change was a great success,                    
Though the clit's still a bit of a mess.                    
When I see young girls                                      
It kinda uncurls,                                           
And flagpoles the front of my dress.                        
                                                            
41266 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



There once was a guy (now Christine)                        
Whose gender embarrassed his scene.                         
But when surgury complex                                    
Cuntradicted his sex,                                       
One could see he's cut out for a queen.                     
                                                            
41267 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



In these days of grafts and transplants,                    
A guy really takes quite a chance.                          
Are the charms of his toots                                 
The original goods,                                         
Or are they from one of his aunts?                          
                                                            
41268 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



When they came to arrest Mr. Dodd                           
On charges of lewdness and fraud,                           
He had undergone surgery                                    
And committed no perjury                                    
When he said, "Mr. Dodd is a broad."                        
                                                            
41269 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Jim Weaver Collection    



I once had a girl named Dolores,                            
Who had a five inch pink clitoris.                          
The sight of your life,                                     
'Twas cut with a knife                                      
From a bearded transvestite named Boris.                    
                                                            
41270 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Coolbreeze               



I feel like I was violated                                  
Each time that she humped and fellated.                     
The surgeon who changed her                                 
And thus rearranged her                                     
As female, should be commendated.                           
                                                            
41271 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



A pitiful case is young Rex                                 
With his bulgingly masculine pecs                           
And biceps the size                                         
Of a weightlifter's thighs,                                 
For he's thinking of changing his sex.                      
                                                            
41272 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Peter Wilkins            



A skilful young surgeon named Grogg,                        
The pussy removed from a hog.                               
In a whore 'twas installed,                                 
And the men said, enthralled,                               
"This is better than fucking the dog."                      
                                                            
41273 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Albin Chaplin   3024-1144



There was a young lady from Tuphet,                         
Whose box was so huge none could stuff it.                  
They transplanted the twidget,                              
Of a rather small midget.                                   
Now she's known as Little Miss Muffet.                      
                                                            
41274 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



A sex-mad young satyr named Toby,                           
Set up shop in the town of Nairobi,                         
Where, to worn out old tarts,                               
He sold brand-new parts,                                    
Which he cleverly made of adobe.                            
                                                            
41275 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                     G0683



A great surgical genius named Taylor                        
Grafted tits on the back of a sailor.                       
If his ass had held out,                                    
There is hardly a doubt                                     
That the cash would have filled up a whaler.                
                                                            
41276 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                     G1063



The new Miss America's a fraud;                             
From Florida not Kansas, by God!                            
She raged and she ranted                                    
Till her breasts were implanted;                            
Could it be that her true name is Claude?                   
                                                            
41277 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Tom Patton          P9701



If asked, are there man-things you miss?                    
One's standing upright for a piss,                          
And shagging the asses                                      
Of poor country lasses,                                     
And watching them slurp down my jis..!                      
                                                            
41278 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE                          



There once was a man who's named Grady;                     
Sexually a little bit shady.                                
Fucked up in the head;                                      
With surgery instead,                                       
He's now not a man but a lady.                              
                                                            
41279 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Troy Walla               



When Christine was George one fine autumn,                  
A great many ladies had sought 'im.                         
Where he was once on top,                                   
She has turned a full flop,                                 
And she now spends her time on the bottom.                  
(Christine Jorgensen had sex change operation early '50's)  
41280 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Albin Chaplin   3024-1932



The transplant most wanted by SHE -                         
A penis placed vaginally.                                   
No more need for men.                                       
But one problem then -                                      
With which of them then will she pee?                       
                                                            
41281 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Irving Superior     P9503



There was a young fellow named Walter                       
Who his sex he wanted to alter.                             
Upon the completion                                         
Of the penile deletion,                                     
He could feel his manliness falter.                         
                                                            
41282 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Popsicle           TP9806



Inclined as you are to penisectomy,                         
Here's some advice that was fed to me:                      
It's not a cunt hawk --                                     
It's a clit on a stalk,                                     
Said the transvestite as s/he gave head to me.              
                                                            
41283 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE H Whelchel               



"Doc, will I need some morphine?"                           
Asked transexual Joe, soon Jolene.                          
Said Doc, "We'll have quarts!                               
The most painful part's                                     
When we sew in that salty sardine!"                         
                                                            
41284 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Jim Weaver Collection    



A fanciful fellow named Milt                                
Was completely redone and rebuilt.                          
Said his girl, "Let's partake                               
Just for good old times' sake."                             
But he said, "Not how I'm now built."                       
                                                            
41285 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Albin Chaplin   3024-2193



There once was a young man named Chris,                     
Whom everyone thought was a priss.                          
In sheer desperation --                                     
Sex change operation,                                       
And he went from a mister to miss.                          
                                                            
41286 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Chris Dunbar             



Why women live seven years more?                            
Reward for the children they bore.                          
Be that as it may,                                          
At eighty today,                                            
I'm having a sex change before....                          
                                                            
41287 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Irving Superior          



His folks wired back: "Dearest Daughter,                    
We're shocked to be told of that slaughter.                 
You've cut off your pole                                    
In exchcange for a hole?                                    
Now you'll have to sit down to pass water!"                 
                                                            
41288 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Bluebird           TP9806



There was a young person named Clarence,                    
Who cabled from Sweden: "Dear Parents:                      
Sex-change operation                                        
Creates new relation.                                       
As Clara, implore your forebearance."                       
                                                            
41289 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE John Ciardi              



On the gender they really do want,                          
There are those who are quite nonchalant.                   
They seek amputations                                       
That transform their relations                              
Now my father's my cousin's new aunt.                       
                                                            
41290 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE The Sailor          P0306



I'd like to possess just a slit,                            
And perhaps with pills, some nice tits.                     
Said the surgeon, "For cash,                                
I do not think it rash                                      
To provide you with two one-inch clits."                    
                                                            
41291 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE F Ormatsee               



A sex change removed both his stones.                       
It was on advice of sawbones.                               
And now they must build                                     
His breasts and he's thrilled.                              
I hear what they use is whore moans!                        
                                                            
41292 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - FEMALE Al Willis                



We all know the word "Apendectomy",                         
As well as the term "Tonsilectomy".                         
But we find it quite strange                                
That in a sex change,                                       
Why it's not called, "Adadicktomy".                         
                                                            
41293 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Lims For Year - 01       



Said a colorless dyke, "There no kick to me.                
As a male I'd look less like a hick to me."                 
So she made a date                                          
With a surgeon first rate                                   
To perform on her an addictomy.                             
                                                            
41294 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Jane D.Hughes       P9104



Diabolical surgeon, Doc Bunce,                              
Transplanted ten peckers from runts                         
To his hands, feet and nose,                                
Then he stripped the Pope's clothes                         
And broke Ten Commandments at once.                         
                                                            
41295 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Al Chaplin          P8908



Whilst staying just south of Milan,                         
I began to dance a 'can-can'.                               
Except that I can't                                         
'Cause my recent implant                                    
Is still sore. (But at last I'm a man!)                     
                                                            
41296 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Anon                     



There was a young fellow from Beverly                       
Who went in for fucking quite heavily.                      
He fucked night and day                                     
Till his ballocks gave way,                                 
But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly.               
                                                            
41297 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Jim Weaver Collection    



A surgeon named Timothy Morgan,                             
Was a whiz at transplanting an organ.                       
For twenty-five grand,                                      
He'd install one goat gland,                                
One prick, and two balls -- Quite a bargain!                
                                                            
41298 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



To the doc went a fellow named Schule                       
For correcting the kink in his tool.                        
Said the doctor, sedate,                                    
"I will make your prick straight --                         
I'll exchange it for mine, you damn fool."                  
                                                            
41299 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Albin Chaplin   3024-0601



There was a sad hunter named Ware,                          
Whose manhood was snapped off by a bear.                    
Sobbed he, "That damned bruin,                              
Caused my sexual ruin.                                      
Do you think I could glue on a pair?"                       
                                                            
41300 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Grand Prix Lim  561 G2063



Have you heard of the big Texas Ranger                      
Who boasted that no one would change her?                   
"Let some surgical nit                                      
Make a cock of my clit?                                     
Fuck Off! or I'll shoot at you, Stranger!"                  
                                                            
41301 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



Here's Constable Julia Bird                                 
Looking utterly daft and absurd,                            
In a tunic so brief                                         
That it beggars belief.                                     
Operation's on April the third.                             
                                                            
41302 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



To the doc went a fellow named Jock                         
For his neck was as stiff as a rock.                        
The able physician                                          
Called in a magician,                                       
And he transferred the cramp to his cock.                   
                                                            
41303 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Albin Chaplin   3024-0492



A wretched young man from La Porte,                         
Was hung much too thin and too short,                       
So he increased his shaft                                   
With a elephant graft,                                      
And now it won't fit where it ort.                          
                                                            
41304 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Hugh Oliver         A046C



You may think my story is bunk,                             
But I knew a horny young punk,                              
Because of lost face,                                       
He had his replaced                                         
With a full grown elephant's trunk.                         
                                                            
41305 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Possum             TP9802



The guy with the elephant's putz,                           
Just look at how far out it juts.                           
But it wasn't all good;                                     
Occasionally it would                                       
Try hard to feed him his nuts.                              
                                                            
41306 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Possum             TP9802



I came home last night just to check her;                   
When I saw it I wanted to deck her.                         
Everything was fine                                         
Till she gave me this line,                                 
"Look down, you now have Frank's pecker!"                   
                                                            
41307 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Jim Weaver Collection    



She went on to say, "Ain't that rich?                       
I'd not wait for Halloween to switch.                       
When a tinkle you're taking,                                
It's Frank's shank you're shaking --                        
Take that, you big son of a bitch!"                         
                                                            
41308 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Jim Weaver Collection    



A soldier who came from East Rockaway                       
Had a mine blow his balls and his cock away.                
Kangaroo genitalia                                          
Grafted on in Australia                                     
Fixed him so he jumps broads a block away.                  
                                                            
41309 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Bob Giandomenico    P8901



A bisexual person of Trail                                  
Would prefer to be robustly male,                           
And enjoy the sensation                                     
The right operation                                         
Could probably fully en-tail.                               
                                                            
41310 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Keith MacMillan       98d



A penurious Frenchman named Breep                           
Had crocodile glands put in cheap.                          
Now his smile is quite bright,                              
For he spends every night                                   
Making love while he swims in the deep.                     
                                                            
41311 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Arthur Deex         P0309



A penurious Frenchman named Bratis                          
Had nightingale glands put in gratis.                       
Now his smile is quite bright,                              
For he spends every night                                   
Making love while he's perched in a lattice.                
                                                            
41312 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Arthur Deex         P0309



A penurious Frenchman named Bost                            
Got polar bear glands at no cost.                           
Now his smile is quite bright,                              
For he spends every night                                   
Making love while he's covered with frost.                  
                                                            
41313 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Arthur Deex         P0309



An old man who lived by the Nile                            
Had dysfunction that was erectile.                          
They grafted a boner                                        
From an equine donor,                                       
Now all the girls give him a smile.                         
                                                            
41314 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



There was an old man of Cajon,                              
Who never could get a good bone.                            
With the aid of a gland,                                    
It grew simply grand,                                       
Now his wife cannot leave it alone.                         
                                                            
41315 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                       L0277



When Smith caught his cock in some gears,                   
They grafted on skin from his ears.                         
And now the poor guy                                        
Can hear through his fly,                                   
And fucking just bores him to tears.                        
                                                            
41316 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                       G2016



On a heart transplant, patient Tom Mather,                  
Worked himself into a lather.                               
Said he, "The idea's good,                                  
But, God! If I could,                                       
Have a new prostate gland, I'd much rather."                
                                                            
41317 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



There was a young butcher named Spicer,                     
Whose pecker got caught in the slicer.                      
As it dropped from the root,                                
He could only salute,                                       
And the whole thing could not be conciser.                  
                                                            
41318 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Albin Chaplin   3024-1816



He met an old sailor named Pete                             
Who knew how to splice a rope neat.                         
So he cut off the cock                                      
Of a horse of fine stock,                                   
And he asked him to splice on three feet.                   
                                                            
41319 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Albin Chaplin   3024-1817



When Spicer attempted to lay,                               
He held it erect and did say,                               
"Are you ready to test?"                                    
But was sadly depressed                                     
For his pecker dropped down and said, "Neigh."              
                                                            
41320 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Albin Chaplin   3024-1818



In a gene exchange mixup, young Neal                        
When he woke, felt his crotch to reveal                     
The prick of a horse,                                       
And it caused him remorse                                   
For the horse got the best of the deal.                     
                                                            
41321 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Al Chaplin          P9403



For a sex change operation I wait                           
To provide better fucks for my mate.                        
But when they cut and sew,                                  
Where do the pricks go...?                                  
There's a hotdog van parked by the gate.                    
                                                            
41322 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   F. Ormatsee              



A young sapphic nun from St. Wister,                        
With a wish to be switched to a mister,                     
Underwent a sex change                                      
With results that were strange,                             
For it turned her into a tran-sister.                       
                                                            
41323 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Bob Giandomenico    P9507



A shy plastic surgeon named Jack                            
Transplanted himself a Big Mac.                             
The girls were amazed                                       
At its size when it raised,                                 
Which was great (though it was colored black).              
(hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself - McW)     
41324 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Martin Wellborn     P9502



There was a young lady called Fran                          
Who started her life as a man.                              
She first got some tits,                                    
Then lost her bits.                                         
Now she does what she wants 'cause she can!                 
                                                            
41325 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Countrygirl              



Whenever he plays with his sword,                           
He conjures up pictures of Maud.                            
If only he knew                                             
As he splatters his goo,                                    
That she's now a most definite Claude.                      
                                                            
41326 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



An epicure dining at Crewe                                  
Grabbed that elephant whang and just flew                   
To a surgeon (viz plastic)                                  
And requested a drastic                                     
Transplant of a mere foot or two.                           
                                                            
41327 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Martin Wellborn     P8507



His monkey-glands made poet Yeats,                          
Most anxious with girls to have dates.                      
His poetic measures,                                        
Gave very few pleasures,                                    
If one can accept estimates.                                
                                                            
41328 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



The glands of a monkey may be                               
Restorers of virility,                                      
But the operation                                           
Can cause consternation,                                    
If the patient swings up in tree.                           
                                                            
41329 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Warrick Elrod            



A penurious Frenchman named Brie,                           
Had monkey glands put in for free.                          
Now his smile is quite bright,                              
For he spends every night                                   
Making love while he swings from a tree.                    
                                                            
41330 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Limericks For John  P9802



My sweetie vacationed overseas;                             
During her absence I was not pleased.                       
With passion I burned                                       
And now she's returned;                                     
At last I can put my mind at ease.                          
                                                            
41331 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



At her house I did intrude,                                 
On my girlfriend in the nude.                               
It suddenly seemed                                          
Like a horrible dream;                                      
In my absence, she'd become a dude.                         
                                                            
41332 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



In the place where my head used to rest                     
On her soft and ample breast,                               
I could only stare;                                         
It was covered with hair,                                   
On top of a brawny muscular chest.                          
                                                            
41333 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



Below her hairy love triangle,                              
A new appendage now did dangle.                             
It was easy to see                                          
She was bigger than me!                                     
From every view or any angle.                               
                                                            
41334 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



I didn't quite know what to say                             
I felt like I should run away                               
We had to part                                              
It broke my heart                                           
But if I kissed her now then I'd be gay                     
                                                            
41335 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



You shouldn't laugh or be rude,                             
And to tell jokes so mean and crude.                        
You know its true;                                          
It could happen to you;                                     
Your baby could become a dude.                              
                                                            
41336 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



A disqualified wrestler with gall,                          
As a woman had fooled one and all.                          
Said she, with a scream,                                    
"I'd have made the men's team,                              
If they'd only transplanted one ball."                      
                                                            
41337 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



A surgical nurse in Darjeeling,                             
Transplanted a prick to the ceiling.                        
When she wanted to ball,                                    
It was no good at all,                                      
But the dangle, she felt, was appealing.                    
                                                            
41338 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                            



There was a Young Lady whose nose                           
Was so long that it reached to her toes;                    
But a wiley old surgeon                                     
Without any urgin'                                          
Transplanted that nose to HIS hose.                         
                                                            
41339 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Edwardian Leer 061       



An unlucky lover named Gant                                 
Received a bad organ transplant:                            
Though he'd love to indulge,                                
His penis won't bulge --                                    
He frequently came; now he can't!                           
                                                            
41340 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Armand E Singer       611



A young plastic surgeon named Tony                          
Was hung like a great big bologna.                          
The girls called him horse.                                 
You guessed it, of course.                                  
It used to belong to his pony.                              
                                                            
41341 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                       P8305



If a man had his choice of transplants,                     
His sex life he'd want to enhance.                          
(To help him succeed,                                       
A donor he'll need)                                         
And occupy more of his pants.                               
                                                            
41342 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Irving Superior     P9503



For a lad, an old surgeon named Patch                       
Reconstructed a pecker from scratch.                        
When he felt through his pocket,                            
It would blow like a rocket,                                
But it failed to go off in a snatch.                        
                                                            
41343 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Albin Chaplin   3024-1889



Uncle Henry's requested transplant,                         
Was larger than his, which was scant.                       
But he got a rejection                                      
Instead of erection,                                        
So now Uncle Henry's an aunt.                               
                                                            
41344 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Pierce Evans             



A horny young stud, name of Bower,                          
Had his gadget fall off in the shower.                      
The replacement was thin.                                   
Said his Doc, "What a sin.                                  
But some day perhaps it will flower."                       
                                                            
41345 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   Giandomeni & Christ P8908



Has your pleasure in bed become flat?                       
Are you over the hill and all that?                         
Make your sex life less bland                               
With a young male goat's gland.                             
Consult Dr. Brinkley in Pratt.                              
                                                            
41346 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE   A. N. Wilkins       P8703



For the poop in the sex-changing field,                     
See the Blessed St. Lizzie Bathilde.                        
By assiduous skipping                                       
She altered her flipping;                                   
Vagina now pecker doth wield.                               
                                                            
41347 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                       G2330



Henrietta was pevish and glum.                              
Women's Lib said, "You're under man's thumb."               
So they doctored her widdley                                
And made her a tiddley--                                    
Now she's Henry, and at her, by gum!                        
                                                            
41348 MEDICAL - TRANSPLANTS - MALE                       G0345



There once was a stand-up comedian                          
Cracking impotence-jokes encyclopedian.                     
With Viagra the rage,                                       
Both on and off stage,                                      
His standings now stand above median.                       
                                                            
41349 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               John Miller              



It's often been said love is blind,                         
A phrase that is sometimes unkind.                          
Is Viagra for you                                           
Causing visions of blue?                                    
Or it's a problem that you do not mind?                     
                                                            
41350 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Arden                    



When it comes to Viagra use, all's                          
Not perfect, but this problem galls.                        
Of all of the hues,                                         
I prefer most the blues,                                    
Except when it comes to my balls.                           
(blue balls - slang for chanchroid)                         
41351 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Irish                    



Seeing blue is a minor setback                              
For allowing to stuff in her crack,                         
A cock that's now hard;                                     
Earns you her regard;                                       
Now just worry about a cardiac.                             
                                                            
41352 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               S C Saint                



"Fair maiden, thou needest not sulk!                        
No longer am I thine limp skulk,                            
Who leaves them forsaken.                                   
Oh nay!  I've now taken                                     
Viagra in quantities bulk!"                                 
                                                            
41353 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Travis Brasell           



"Oh William!  I prithee desist!                             
Before I become sorely pissed.                              
You've screwed all in sight                                 
From morning till night,                                    
And now you are spraining your wrist."                      
                                                            
41354 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Ericka                   



I'm now becoming addicted                                   
To hearing the things that your dick did;                   
(That problem with height                                   
And nervous stage fright),                                  
And how, with Viagra, you licked it.                        
                                                            
41355 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



That old Dickens guy, Bob Cratchit,                         
Had a big dick, none could match it.                        
Just a Viagra or two                                        
Dissolved in his stew,                                      
Hardened it so a cat could not scratch it.                  
                                                            
41356 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Sam Pittman        TP9806



The comedians have a new trick,                             
To not get booed off stage too quick.                       
To insure they'll standup,                                  
They sip from a cup                                         
Of Viagra, to buck up their schtick.                        
                                                            
41357 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Frank Fazed              



From Bristol, now in Hinton Admiral,                        
Young Joan shoots porn films with her cameral;              
And when the male leads                                     
Get droopy, she feeds                                       
Them elephant formula Viagaral.                             
                                                            
41358 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



Double-headers, I've heard about those;                     
They seek to maintain Love's sweet throes.                  
Viagra can aid,                                             
Though mostly it's made                                     
To help fellows with a limp hose.                           
                                                            
41359 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Chris Papa               



Blessed are the impotent today;                             
A pill will get them a good lay.                            
Four hours or more,                                         
I go a minute of four;                                      
And that's counting three minutes of foreplay.              
                                                            
41360 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Darren                   



It was heard when we were in Niagara,                       
As I slowly sipped on a lager, a                            
Wail, up a beat                                             
From the honeymoon suite:                                   
"I've forgotten to bring my Viagra!"                        
                                                            
41361 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Pilar                    



An old impotent cowboy named Morse                          
Took Viagra to help him, perforce.                          
Though his prick stood upright,                             
There were no girls in sight,                               
So he ended up fucking his horse.                           
                                                            
41362 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Al Chaplin          P9902



I once knew an impotent shark            (retired attorney) 
Who wailed like a cat in the dark.       (opera singer)     
Since he took a small pill,              (Viagra fan)       
He's back over the hill --               (23 years)         
His bites become worse that his bark!    (fucked me silly)  
                                                            
41363 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               H Whelchel               



Viagra, the little blue pill,                               
If you ain't got much ink in your quill!                    
Works like an unction                                       
On penile dysfunction -                                     
Put simply, gets Jack up his Jill!                          
                                                            
41364 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



Viagra's the new wonder drug;                               
I look at the hype and I shrug.                             
Pray I won't see the day                                    
For Viagra I'll pay.                                        
I enjoy getting burns from the rug!                         
                                                            
41365 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Dave                     



Viagra's in the headlines anew;                             
Seems poor people are wanting it too.                       
The taxpayers will                                          
Now be footing the bill,                                    
So we all get a government screw!                           
                                                            
41366 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Puff Adder               



Propecia to make the hair grow;                             
Viagra for willie, you know.                                
The hair makes me cuter,                                    
But weakens my shooter.                                     
I'd rather perform than just show.                          
                                                            
41367 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Burrito Man              



Rogaine made a similar boast,                               
Growing hair on your pate, coast to coast.                  
Rub it into your head                                       
All your life, until dead.                                  
On my palm is where hair grew the most.                     
                                                            
41368 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Burrito Man              



My God! I've been using both balms                          
And forked out my dough without qualms                      
For Viagra too --                                           
Now what shall I do,                                        
Sprouting peckers from both of my palms.                    
                                                            
41369 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



Viagra has restored the pleasure                            
To the sex that my wife and I treasure.                     
I fucked her and then                                       
She was most happy when                                     
I fucked her once more for good measure.                    
                                                            
41370 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Wiley                    



Responding to suggestions subliminal,                       
I committed a crime that was minimal.                       
Shoplifting Viagra, arrested;                               
Evidence ingested.                                          
I was booked as a hardened criminal.                        
                                                            
41371 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Puff Adder               



A Viagraphile named Lyle,                                   
Called the seismology lab with a smile.                     
He said, "Tell the staff                                    
To watch the seismograph,                                   
They're gonna see "10" in a while!                          
                                                            
41372 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Lee Malone         TP9806



With a bit of Viagra, I'm sure,                             
We could have a good time.  Yes, all four.                  
So hurry my pets,                                           
Before the sun sets                                         
And you find me collapsed on the floor.                     
                                                            
41373 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Fred                     



Poor folks -- we've got more than enough;                   
Now please don't think me too gruff.                        
I'd just rather see;                                        
More people like me,                                        
Who look naturally good in the buff.                        
                                                            
41374 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Darren                   



If your lover needs pills (start with "V")                  
Come, without any doubts, to me.                            
I do not need blue pills                                    
To give you some thrills;                                   
Just drop in for a visit.  You'll see.                      
                                                            
41375 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Nik Synytskyy            



You medical gentlemen who                                   
Adopt all developments new,                                 
For patients with bucks,                                    
Impatient for fucks,                                        
Prescribing Viagra will do.                                 
                                                            
41376 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Nick                     



It really is not what you think;                            
Viagra I put in my drink.                                   
It hardens the rod,                                         
Amid cries of "OH GOD",                                     
Then it writes in indelible ink...                          
                                                            
41377 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



We're certainly NOT indivisible,                            
In fact just the thought is quite risible.                  
The gals wink and nod                                       
At that faulty rod...                                       
Your ink and your pen are invisible.                        
                                                            
41378 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



A bone weary fellow named Cooper,                           
His penis was always a drooper;                             
Viagara he chose,                                           
His boner arose;                                            
He screwed himself into a stupor.                           
                                                            
41379 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Cap'n Bean          P0106



Viagra, the little blue pill                                
Cannot replace sexual skill.                                
True, a hard-on's required,                                 
But more is desired                                         
To achieve the right level of thrill!                       
                                                            
41380 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



I woke from my nap - had to pee,                            
Then doubled my vitamin E.                                  
I'll be there tonight                                       
When the time is right;                                     
The Viagra I have is for "P".                               
                                                            
41381 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



I'm rude, and I'm crude, and I'm horny;                     
When my humour ain't sick, then it's corny.                 
Of features redeeming,                                      
I haven't a gleaming,                                       
And Viagra just gives me a thorny.                          
                                                            
41382 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



A shamefaced old hippie was quoted                          
That although his merkin's as bloated                       
As ever it was,                                             
The strength of its fuzz                                    
Is enhanced, for it's Viagrally coated.                     
                                                            
41383 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Norm Storer and Dr Deex  



A Mormon who moved west to Reno,                            
Lost his fortune at poker and Keno.                         
He ran out of luck                                          
And lost his last buck,                                     
While drinking some doctored up Vino.                       
                                                            
41384 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Jack Atherton      TP9806



So he married a 21 dealer,                                  
Who was also a very fine peeler.                            
They moved to Niagara,                                      
And peddled Viagra                                          
To Veterans and surviving New Dealers.                      
                                                            
41385 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Jack Atherton      TP9806



They found profitable profession,                           
Giving old farts penile erections.                          
And the company, Pfizer,                                    
Was never the wiser,                                        
Despite all the phony prescriptions.                        
                                                            
41386 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Jack Atherton      TP9806



It's hotter than volcanic magma;                            
The orders are flowing like Niagara.                        
The pharmacists can't fill                                  
The demand for the pill;                                    
You know the one they call Viagra.                          
                                                            
41387 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Puff Adder               



The drugs that we use when we're ailin',                    
Go by different names for retailin'.                        
Tylenol's acetamenophen.                                    
Advil's Ibuprofen.                                          
And Viagra is Mycoxafailin.                                 
                                                            
41388 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



Viagra gives a four-hour hard-on,                           
And me I could use a head start on;                         
But us poor slobs;                                          
With the normal knobs,                                      
Must make do with our natural part on.                      
                                                            
41389 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Darren                   



Viagra, the little blue pill                                
Is for those who can't take their fill.                     
The Australian way's                                        
Screw a new one each day,                                   
Then it'll always stand up for the thrill!                  
(also called the Coolidge effect - McW)                     
41390 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



What the hell is this new penis patch?                      
Will it help me delight Sweet Thing's snatch?               
If I polish my wood,                                        
Nice and slick like I should,                               
Will it lead to a swell "boxing" match?                     
                                                            
41391 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Allen Wolverton          



There was a young fellow of Burma                           
Whose betrothed had good cause to murmur.                   
But he bought in Niagra                                     
A supply of Viagra,                                         
And the roots of their love are much firmer.                
                                                            
41392 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



Even though you are a saint,                                
With a soft one, a man you just ain't.                      
So Viagra's the mickey                                      
For when she gets sticky,                                   
And with it you'll hear no complaint.                       
                                                            
41393 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Pepe                     



Viagra will confound the rule,                              
About the old man and his "tool";                           
For pleasure in bed                                         
'Tis larger, it's said,                                     
Now masterpiece, not OPUSCULE.                              
                                                            
41394 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Chris Papa               



Viagra, called "Pfizer Riser",                              
Now call your best gal and advise her.                      
It may be bigger,                                           
Or quicker trigger,                                         
If latter, you're a gone guy, sir.                          
                                                            
41395 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Chris Papa               



An impotent fellow named Brown                              
Had a wife with a permanent frown.                          
She doctored his soup                                       
With Viagra goop,                                           
Till the noodles just wouldn't stay down.                   
                                                            
41396 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Tom Patton          P9806



They say Viagra works for girls too.                        
Is there anything this pill won't do?                       
It brings blood to her clit                                 
And the rest of her kit.                                    
Well, let's see Viagra cause an unscrew.                    
                                                            
41397 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Saint                    



Viagra, the little blue pill                                
Enlivens that which was still.                              
What once was quite flacid,                                 
Is no longer placid,                                        
In fact it points proudly uphill!                           
                                                            
41398 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Sam Pittman        TP9806



A widower, Malcolm McBean,                                  
Remarried but failed the routine.                           
So they drove to Niagara                                    
Where he tried Viagra,                                      
And in public, they've hardly been seen.                    
                                                            
41399 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Hugh Clary               



This seems like a poor trade to me;                         
Wee willie does much more than pee.                         
I'll forego the hair;                                       
Keep willie down there,                                     
Stiff and a bit wrinklefree!                                
                                                            
41400 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Dave                     



Seems old Harry had lumps on his head,                      
So the staff nurse leaned close and she said,               
"Some Viagra at night,                                      
Should make everything right,                               
'Cause you'll stop rolling out of your bed."                
                                                            
41401 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Bob Birch           P9811



That Viagra stuff is a curse!                               
The cost alone can drain a purse!                           
And if taking iron;                                         
This stuff, don't be tryin';                                
Pointing north is just the worst!                           
                                                            
41402 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



Viagra makes all fellows feel good,                         
Just as any fine medicine should.                           
But the gals sweet refrain                                  
Is, "We're shortchanged again!                              
Why not something to wake up our pud?"                      
                                                            
41403 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Tom Patton          P0203



What once was more valued than gold,                        
Lay shriveled and useless and old.                          
But a blue little pill                                      
Has caused it to fill.                                      
When I poke 'er, I hope I won't fold.                       
                                                            
41404 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Ray Hemphill             



"The end of the world!" growled old Bill,                   
Once Gabriel's trumpet was still.                           
"The self-righteous cast                                    
Could not let is last,                                      
Now that we have the Viagra pill."                          
                                                            
41405 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               A N Wilkins         P9811



This pill makes me harder down there.                       
My wife is a bitch; I don't care!                           
These drugs aren't dope;                                    
They allow me to cope.                                      
The green one here, even grows hair.                        
                                                            
41406 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Irish                    



Viagra kick-back doesn't come up,                           
Since Medicaid won't slack pick up                          
Of outrageous cost,                                         
One pill ten bucks lost;                                    
Erection side not for hard up.                              
                                                            
41407 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Karen                    



"Viagra is now second best,"                                
Said Bruce after taking the test.                           
He was over the hill,                                       
Then he took the new pill,                                  
Now his pecker peaks over his vest.                         
                                                            
41408 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



Viagra is now number two;                                   
A new drug came out of the blue.                            
Pierre took a dose;                                         
His wife says it's gross,                                   
But his pecker's now tucked in his shoe.                    
                                                            
41409 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



An old impotent fellow from Borth,                          
Took Viagra, as his doctor set forth.                       
When his iron was blended,                                  
('Twas not recommended)                                     
His pecker would always point north.                        
                                                            
41410 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Squeaky            TP9807



Poor folks -- we got all we need;                           
So why should we help them plant seed?                      
Give them the pill?                                         
I don't think I will;                                       
For who foots the bill when they feed?                      
                                                            
41411 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Darren                   



Since a honeymoon failure can miff one,                     
They've improved an invention so, if one,                   
Honeymooning Niagara,                                       
Buys liquid Viagra,                                         
He'll be happily pouring a stiff one.                       
                                                            
41412 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Hugh Clary               



I hear they have started a test run                         
On Liquid Viagra.  When all done,                           
A fella will say,                                           
At the end of the day:                                      
"Hey, Baby, go pour me a stiff one."                        
                                                            
41413 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



Our energy level's been juiced;                             
More middle aged ladies seduced.                            
More joy and elation                                        
And more penetration;                                       
The price of Viagra's reduced.                              
                                                            
41414 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



Viagra, the little blue pill;                               
When swallowed, it gives men a thrill.                      
Big deal, so will I,                                        
Just pump till I'm dry,                                     
And avoid paying that medical bill.                         
                                                            
41415 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Deep Goat          TP9807



This is just what you do                                    
While you are taking off your shoe;                         
A wafer on the tongue;                                      
It dissolves and then some.                                 
In minutes you're ready to screw!                           
                                                            
41416 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Paul D                   



A curvaceous housewife from Rhyll,                          
Who had resorted to using a dill,                           
Gave her husband Viagra.                                    
Now he comes like Niagara                                   
With result that she's back on the pill.                    
                                                            
41417 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Anon                     



Viagra, that drug of renown,                                
Proves you can't keep a real good man down --               
Though his home is his castle,                              
He avoids all that hassle                                   
By sneaking it out into town.                               
                                                            
41418 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Arthur Deex         P9807



There once was a man from Devizes,                          
Whose son, in him always confideses.                        
"You can't get an erection?                                 
But I have the correction."                                 
With Viagra 'The Son Also Rises.'                           
                                                            
41419 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Gearhart           TP9807



The chemists resolve never drifted,                         
When through the compounds they sifted.                     
Each volunteer                                              
Let out a cheer                                             
When more than their spirits were lifted.                   
                                                            
41420 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Tom Patton          P9808



If you want to feel a bit safer                             
By not getting caught with a chafer,                        
Don't run from the dance                                    
With a tent in your pants...                                
Go home and then take the wafer.                            
                                                            
41421 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Frank Fazed              



Viagra really is great,                                     
But I hope they reduce the rate.                            
Ten dollars a pill                                          
Is a very high bill                                         
When all I do is masturbate!                                
                                                            
41422 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Puff Adder               



If you ain't tried Viagra, don't smirk.                     
It's one tab that sure does its work!                       
He was harder and longer,                                   
Long lasting and stronger.                                  
(The THIRD time may have been a quirk?)                     
                                                            
41423 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



"Laying the table", at the home of the Peels                
Will have acquired new meaning, one feels,                  
Since medic, Doc Moses,                                     
Prescribed Viagra in doses,                                 
Taken three times a day before meals!                       
                                                            
41424 MEDICAL - VIAGRA                                        



There was an old lecher named Boone,                        
Who took his Viagra too soon.                               
The hooker was late                                         
For their mid-morning date,                                 
And didn't get there until noon.                            
                                                            
41425 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Popsicle           TP9807



When in Pisa, a mishap vehicular                            
Spilled Viagra, a bunch in particular.                      
It had the effect                                           
That tilt to correct;                                       
Now the tower is quite perpendicular.                       
                                                            
41426 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               OgniGioia                



A sex therapist's mournful lament,                          
On the money on Pfizer is spent;                            
No deed now to talk,                                        
Just go to the doc,                                         
For his pill gets that organ unbent.                        
                                                            
41427 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Bob Birch           P9807



To men who are 'over the hill',                             
There is now the Viagra pill.                               
The instructions read                                       
Lie down on the bed                                         
And 'under the hill' you soon will.                         
                                                            
41428 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Irving Superior     P9808



Invited upstairs, once again it                             
Was my wife's urgent wish to begin it.                      
So I popped that new pill                                   
To help bolster my quill,                                   
And said, "Dear, I'll be up in a minute!"                   
                                                            
41429 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               NAAR                P9806



"I'm annoyed," an old reprobate stated,                     
"Can't recall the last woman I dated,                       
But given the pill,                                         
In future I will                                            
Not be angry, but Viagravated."                             
                                                            
41430 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Jim Weaver Collection    



Your insurance allows you just eight,                       
So each month you must pick up your date.                   
If she claims her head's achin',                            
Then that pill that you've taken                            
Is a waste if you don't masturbate.                         
                                                            
41431 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Bob Birch           P9807



Viagra can cure a 'small' prob;                             
It turns my inch into a knob.                               
But my zip it has bust,                                     
From the trob and the trust,                                
That women hang round in a mob.                             
                                                            
41432 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Jim Weaver Collection    



So this stuff stiffens your dick?                           
And adds new life to your wick?                             
So if your impudent                                         
This stuff's heaven sent.                                   
The women, with you they will stick!                        
                                                            
41433 MEDICAL - VIAGRA               Funny Bone               



When Libby can't seem to CAJOLE,                            
And Bob's chances seem very dole,                           
Viagra will bring                                           
New life to his thing,                                      
And finish it well, on the (w)hole.                         
                                                            
41434 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Chris Papa               



You are not a real man anymore?                             
Does your pecker just point to the floor?                   
Try Viagra, old sport,                                      
And quite soon you'll cavort                                
With the ladies again on the floor.                         
                                                            
41435 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED                           



With erectile dysfunction, a sick                           
Chap frets with wilt in his wick.                           
But, Viagra he'll find,                                     
Helps get it realigned,                                     
Pharmaceutically trueing the dick.                          
                                                            
41436 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Bob Giandomenico         



Try Viagra, it worked for Dole;                             
It helped him to raise up his pole;                         
Has given old Libby                                         
A treat in her clitty,                                      
Right after the blue pill took hold.                        
                                                            
41437 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED                           



The newest of all male corrections,                         
For broken and worn out erections;                          
Once the pill has been taken,                               
You limp friend will awaken,                                
But don't lose the book of directions.                      
                                                            
41438 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Bob Birch           P9807



Bob Dole, a Senatorial rover,                               
His penis would always flop over.                           
To end his dysfunction,                                     
Took pills for his gumption,                                
Overdosed and he's now stiff all over.                      
                                                            
41439 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED                           



While my dear wife was cuting coupons,                      
A great savings idea I hit upon.                            
It would save me a mint                                     
If only they'd print,                                       
One for that pill that gives hardons.                       
                                                            
41440 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Jim Weaver Collection    



Honeymoon by the falls of Niagara,                          
Taj Mahal for romance there in Agra;                        
As an extra safeguard,                                      
Use a pill to get hard,                                     
Don't leave home without taking -- Viagra!                  
                                                            
41441 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Joel D Ash          P9808



Viagra from Pfizer's a pill;                                
Not Rx'd for those who feel ill.                            
It makes limper weenies                                     
Look like large zucchinis.                                  
And ladies say "Please, a refill!"                          
                                                            
41442 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Irish                    



Viagra -- The Fountain of Youth.                            
Viagra -- The Moment of Truth.                              
"Viagra the pill                                            
From this time on will                                      
Libidos inflate," Westheimer, Ruth.                         
                                                            
41443 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Irving Superior     P9808



Hooray for Senator Dole!                                    
He's on a fantastic roll.                                   
The Viagra pill                                             
Has brought back the thrill;                                
Libby says, "He put the peg in the hole!"                   
                                                            
41444 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Puff Adder               



The Senator's prostate was cut,                             
Which threw his love life in a rut.                         
His Viagra test                                             
Has made him the best,                                      
And Libby now feels like a slut!                            
                                                            
41445 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Frank Fazed              



He nails her now on the floor;                              
The table, the couch and the door,                          
Screaming "Wonderful luck!                                  
We're now able to fuck!                                     
Some more and some more and some more."                     
                                                            
41446 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Arden                    



Because of that new pill, Viagra,                           
A man now can come like Niagara.                            
If a guy keeps his dick up,                                 
His sex life will pick up.                                  
Why soften? Why shrivel? Why sag-ra?                        
                                                            
41447 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - ADVERTISED  Wormdirt           TP9804



There once was a matron named Kate,                         
Whose beau was a spry eighty eight.                         
When they went to Niagara,                                  
She had packed his Viagra,                                  
A good reason for staying up late.                          
(Not daring to leave love to fate)                          
41448 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Bob Birch           P9807



With wit, a broad sees dependence                           
Lost to a an erotic sin dance,                              
And straightening curves                                    
From lost pelvic nerves,                                    
When Viagra brigs ascendence.                               
                                                            
41449 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED                                 



His old cock was wrinkled and soft;                         
'Twas quite hard to get it aloft.                           
Then he honeymooned at Niagara                              
And took some viagra,                                       
And shot wads every time that he coughed!                   
                                                            
41450 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED                                 



An aging Hollywood director,                                
Whose member required an erector,                           
Said to the starlet,                                        
(A codename for harlot)                                     
Viagra is my favorite NECTAR.                               
                                                            
41451 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Norm Brust               



There was an old fellow from Nome                           
Who married a nurse from the home.                          
Wed at Niagara,                                             
Took some Viagra,                                           
And drove his bride all the way home.                       
                                                            
41452 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Cephas Harte             



Lil married a rich old geezer                               
But the old dude just couldn't please her.                  
So she slipped him Viagra,                                  
Then he flowed like Niagara,                                
And screwed 'til he died from the seizure.                  
                                                            
41453 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Lims For Year - 01       



On Viagra was old man Muldoon                               
When he went on this third honeymoon.                       
Morning coffee was brewing                                  
When he started in screwing                                 
And finished at twelve o'clock noon.                        
                                                            
41454 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Bob Birch           P9807



There was an old man of Brazil,                             
Who swallowed the little blue pill.                         
It gave him a charge,                                       
Made his penis grow large,                                  
And gave all the ladies a thrill!                           
                                                            
41455 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Mikey              TP9901



No longer am I just a talker;                               
Viagra has made me a stalker.                               
I'm now an old lecher                                       
And planning to catch her,                                  
But somebody's hidden my walker!                            
                                                            
41456 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED                           TP9804



I'm an old man, tired and jaded;                            
My memories of youth are all faded.                         
My cherry long gone;                                        
I still linger on;                                          
Viagra gives hope to the aged.                              
                                                            
41457 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Bob Hunt                 



Viagra's made quite an advance                              
That's filling the front of my pants.                       
Get over here fast                                          
And bring your old ass;                                     
It might be your very last chance!                          
                                                            
41458 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED                                 



Old man sought physician advisor,                           
"I need help to get it to rise, sir."                       
Viagra doled out,                                           
The result, no doubt,                                       
Turns old spring into young geyser.                         
                                                            
41459 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Chris Papa               



An aging Lothario, Prewitt,                                 
Said, oxymoronically, "Screw it!"                           
Viagra had failed him,                                      
And worries assailed him,                                   
That never again could he do it.                            
                                                            
41460 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Norm Storer              



She thought right in bed I would hop,                       
But arthritic bones tend to pop.                            
Viagra she fed me;                                          
She's ready to bed me.                                      
Could somebody lift me on top?                              
                                                            
41461 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Ray Hemphill       TP9804



A little old man named Kincade                              
Took Viagra but never got laid.                             
At the slightest suggestion,                                
He has an erection,                                         
So he hired a new young sexy maid.                          
                                                            
41462 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Tom Patton          P0203



In the pitch black dark of the mill                         
An old man made history still.                              
Said he, with Viagra,                                       
When he bent down to grab ya,                               
"Don't worry babe, I'm on the pill!"                        
                                                            
41463 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Anon                     



Young lady meets gent whose much older,                     
Who proclaims love, STRAIGHT FROM THE SHOULDER.             
She spurns his advances,                                    
Unready for chances.                                        
His Viagra vigor won't hold her.                            
                                                            
41464 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Chris Papa               



An elderly gent we call Andy,                               
Is taking Viagra like candy.                                
Without good directions,                                    
He gets tireless erections,                                 
And the women in town think he's dandy!                     
                                                            
41465 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Tim Thompson             



An old geezer who turned niney-three,                       
Said, "I know this Viagra ain't free,                       
But it won't go to waste,                                   
I even like the taste,                                      
And the old wife's more kindly to me.                       
                                                            
41466 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Lee Malone         TP9806



First honeymoon's great at Niagara,                         
Then if you don't die of pellagra                           
Or terrible wheezes,                                        
Or noxious diseases,                                        
You'll someday be glad of Viagra.                           
                                                            
41467 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - AGED        Island Singer            



There once was a druggist named Rizer,                      
Whose opinion was always the wiser:                         
"For an evening sublime,                                    
Viagra works fine,                                          
But for great sex, I buy shares of Pfizer.                  
                                                            
41468 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Jeannette Cook      P9806



Pfizer's chemists are sure enterprising,                    
Viagra's effect so surprising,                              
The dirty old men                                           
Are young once again.                                       
Their prospects for sex are now rising.                     
                                                            
41469 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Tom Patton          P9806



The Viagra Quality Director,                                
Said, "I'm only the pill inspector,                         
And my job isn't done                                       
Till I test every one,                                      
'Cause that's what I took this job for."                    
                                                            
41470 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Lee Malone         TP9806



A chap (a known womanizer)                                  
Had stopped in to see his adviser,                          
As to how to invest;                                        
'Twas heard, "Surely you jest!                              
I'd advise you to put all in Pfizer."                       
                                                            
41471 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Pilar                    



My portfolio's taken a beatin',                             
So my broker, he calls this big meetin'.                    
"Your stock is a bummer,                                    
Pfizer's the comer!                                         
Please ditch this obsession with Eaton."                    
(Eaton labs - big in urology products)                      
41472 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Irish                    



This shouldn't be a disaster                                
For something easy to master.                               
If I had been wiser                                         
I'd invested in Pfizer;                                     
They already made Viagra faster!                            
                                                            
41473 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Paul D                   



Viagra in drink form is new,                                
From Pepsi in two thousand two,                             
Convenient so if one,                                       
Desires a stiff one,                                        
It's pourable and called "Mount 'N Do."                     
                                                            
41474 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Bob Giandomenico    P0202



I once bought a company's stock;                            
They made splints to stiffen your cock.                     
They were doing just fine;                                  
Now Viagra's on line.                                       
My stock has just dropped like a rock!                      
                                                            
41475 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Puff Adder               



If getting a boner's a chore,                               
Let Pfizer, Inc. help you to score.                         
To prime the old pump                                       
Cost ten bucks a hump.                                      
Would you mind redefining a whore?                          
                                                            
41476 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Irish                    



The spouting hot spring is a GEYSER,                        
An image reminding old miser                                
Of fleeting glory,                                          
A maid named Cori,                                          
And Viagra story from Pfizer.                               
                                                            
41477 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Daniel Ford              



My adviser said, "Don't be a miser.                         
You can get quite a rise out of Pfizer.                     
You should buy a large block                                
Of this company's stock,                                    
Since it's shooting straight up like a geyser."             
                                                            
41478 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Jerry Nordal        P9806



Viagra by storm took the nation,                            
Inciting a joyful elation.                                  
Passions rising from trance,                                
Mostly right in the pants.                                  
Gave Pfizer a standing ovation.                             
                                                            
41479 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



With sales of Viagra so good,                               
The value of Pfizer now should                              
Climb so high that soon it'll                               
Be just like Engine Little,                                 
And be known as "The Old Stock That Could."                 
                                                            
41480 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   Jerry Nordal        P980 



I too, wanted my investments right on,                      
But the name of the company was gone                        
From my head, so I said                                     
I'll grasp at a thread.                                     
I put all my cash in Upjohn.                                
                                                            
41481 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   S C Saint                



The sheik's harem, well sated and awed,                     
Cried, "Praise Allah!" and rose to applaud.                 
But the sheik said, "Please cite me:                        
It was not the almighty --                                  
'Twas the tablet from Pfizer, by God!"                      
                                                            
41482 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - CORPORATE   William N Nesbit    P9806



A couple of guys who were queer                             
Slipped Viagra in straight Harry's beer.                    
The resulting erection                                      
They view as confection.                                    
Said Harry, "Girls, I'm outta here"                         
                                                            
41483 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



From the sun I keep my eyes shaded;                         
My nerves are shattered and frayded.                        
But I still linger on,                                      
Though all hope is gone.                                    
Viagra they say makes you brain dead.                       
                                                            
41484 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS                              



That Viagra thing doesn't work                              
Embarrassed? I felt such a Jerk                             
For taking two pills                                        
Did not cure my ills,                                       
But gave a throbbing knee-jerk.                             
                                                            
41485 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS                              



Please give my poor pup a big break.                        
He has a big bone, when awake.                              
'Cause pills that I need                                    
That get in his feed,                                       
Are from the VIAGRA I take.                                 
                                                            
41486 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Chris Papa               



There was an old lecher named Boone                         
Who took his Viagra too soon.                               
The hooker was late                                         
And left him to his fate.                                   
He was found on the floor in a swoon.                       
(not enough blood to his brain - McW)                       
41487 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Popsicle           TP9901



Viagra has one side effect                                  
And one not too hard to detect.                             
Instructions just follow --                                 
DO NOT SLOWLY SWALLOW!                                      
If slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.                         
                                                            
41488 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Irving Superior     P9808



For one little blue pill, Mr. Beck                          
Gave his doctor a very large check.                         
The Doc, from Nantucket,                                    
Said, "Swallow, don't suck it --                            
Or you'll get a very stiff neck."                           
                                                            
41489 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     H Myers            TP9806



So Viagra kills people -- No lie!                           
I really don't care to know why.                            
Whatever you say,                                           
I think that it may                                         
Be a wonderful way to go die.                               
                                                            
41490 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Puff Adder               



Dear Doctor, don't ever prescribe                           
This Viagra (without a bribe)                               
'Cause first guys have sex --                               
After that -- heart attacks,                                
Which diminishes size of our tribe.                         
                                                            
41491 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Nik Synytskyy            



Viagra, so I've heard it said,                              
Can make one quite vigorous in bed.                         
But I wouldn't use it,                                      
If it came right down to it;                                
'Cause I'd rather be limp than be dead.                     
                                                            
41492 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Jon Gearhart             



"Viagra's a problem," says Brown,                           
The undertaker showing a frown.                             
"I've got dozens of cases                                   
With smiles on their faces,                                 
But I can't get the lids to stay down!"                     
                                                            
41493 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     H Myers            TP9806



Viagra is not just for guys,                                
But it's certain to change pussy size.                      
These gals will have vents                                  
The size of pup tents.                                      
(Now that's sure to make a cock rise.)                      
                                                            
41494 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Irish                    



If Viagra works as they say:                                
Pop one, de rigeur, as foreplay!                            
One's honor uphold...                                       
But we have been told,                                      
That the maximum dose for the day?                          
                                                            
41495 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Nick Lanyon              



Watch out for Viagra! It kills!                             
Don't trust any guys taking pills.                          
If he has to eat stuff                                      
Before charging the muff,                                   
Make sure it is you, not those pills.                       
                                                            
41496 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Dead Viagra men need taller hearses;                        
That's why I am writing these verses.                       
Though being stone dead                                     
The coroner said,                                           
"The stiffs have shown no reverses!"                        
                                                            
41497 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Marsh Magee        TP9806



Viagra may just be a dream                                  
For giving your pecker some steam.                          
It's now been reported                                      
Your vision's distorted;                                    
Things aren't as LARGE as they seem!                        
                                                            
41498 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Barbara                  



Since Viagra now aids my embrace,                           
And of impotence there is no trace,                         
You'd think I'd be elated,                                  
But it's much overrated,                                    
Since my stamina now can't keep pace.                       
                                                            
41499 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



Have you heard of the elderly groom                         
Who Viagra-ed on his honeymoon.                             
With all his clothes shed,                                  
He raced to the bed                                         
And pole-vaulted out of the room.                           
                                                            
41500 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Irving Superior     P9808



Viagra, the little blue pill;                               
It may work but only with skill.                            
Those scientists demean us -                                
It falls off the penis!                                     
Use scotch tape to help it keep still!                      
                                                            
41501 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS                              



All wrinkled and lazy it lies;                              
Viagra has caused it to rise.                               
I thought I would thrill her,                               
But now I'm a killer;                                       
She just dropped dead from surprise!                        
                                                            
41502 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Ray Hemphill       TP9804



If shorter, your love life it mauls,                        
It doesn't do much for recalls,                             
When 'quickie' goes bang,                                   
And limply you hang,                                        
She'll leave you at Viagra falls.                           
                                                            
41503 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Chris Papa               



My sex life, it has been rough;                             
Viagra's some real powerful stuff.                          
The girls do complain                                       
If they feel too much pain,                                 
As I enter their normal-sized muff.                         
                                                            
41504 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Jim Weaver Collection    



My sex life has just been a wreck.                          
I bought some Viagra on spec.                               
Before I could gloat,                                       
It stuck in my throat.                                      
The only thing stiff is my neck.                            
                                                            
41505 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Frank Fazed              



When in Britain, Viagra sales dip,                          
A team's formed to prevent the slip.                        
They solved it real quick                                   
By adding Chap-Stik;                                        
That's how Brits keep a stiff upper lip.                    
                                                            
41506 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Wade Fincher             



His wife said she fancied a fuck,                           
So Viagra he started to suck;                               
But he felt a bit lame                                      
When the tablet became                                      
Twixt his throat and esophagus, stuck.                      
                                                            
41507 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Peter Wilkins            



Now that tablet lived up to its spec,                       
Even though it was stuck in his neck.                       
With a stiffening feeling                                   
His head hit the ceiling.                                   
Concussed, he collapsed on the deck.                        
                                                            
41508 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Peter Wilkins            



His wife thought, "I hope he's not dead."                   
But he woke and said, "Let's go to bed."                    
That was ten days ago,                                      
Now his wife's all aglow;                                   
He just cannot stop giving her head.                        
                                                            
41509 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Peter Wilkins            



Quite rightly, I do want to star;                           
As is, I might fill yp your jar.                            
With so little space                                        
For skill, in this case                                     
Viagra might swell it too far.                              
                                                            
41510 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     H WHELCHEL               



They're simply not working for me;                          
On Thursday I took twenty three.                            
Instead of a lump,                                          
I had a stomach pump.                                       
Seems I'd done a Viagra OD!                                 
(OD - over dose)                                            
41511 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Fester                   



There once was a man from Niagara,                          
Accidentally took ten Viagra.                               
His peckers as large                                        
As a waterfront barge;                                      
His girlfriends say it will gag ya'!                        
                                                            
41512 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - DANGERS     Irish                    



Viagra, the little blue pill;                               
Reputed to give men a thrill.                               
My Charlie took it.                                         
He cried, "Hey, Look-it!"                                   
He sits there admiring it -- STILL!                         
                                                            
41513 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Marty              TP9807



Viagra's more valued than gold,                             
And helps me at cards, so I'm told.                         
Strip poker I play,                                         
And no longer say                                           
I have to limp out, 'cause I fold.                          
                                                            
41514 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Ray Hemphill             



Viagra, to which I'm addicted,                              
Works better by far, than depicted.                         
It's gone from quite limp                                   
To as big as a blimp,                                       
Which is more than my previous dick did.                    
                                                            
41515 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Anon                     



Viagra lets an aging codger                                 
Come to bat like Duke Snider, the Dodger.                   
For double-headers, its great.                              
Try it on a date;                                           
You'll score more than the Maris boy, Roger.                
                                                            
41516 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Norm Brust               



Young Fred, who lived west of L.A.,                         
Tried to beef up his bratwurst last May.                    
Adding peppers and spice,                                   
He ground everything twice --                               
Now he takes Viagra each day.                               
                                                            
41517 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Steven A Shaw            



Viagra increased his libido;                                
He screwed every girl in Toledo.                            
They all had blue eyes,                                     
Blue twats the right size,                                  
Except for a cross-dresser named Guido.                     
                                                            
41518 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Marsha Magee       TP9806



An octogenarian nudist from Bude                            
Was thought by some to be lewd.                             
On a trip to Niagara,                                       
He stocked up on Viagra,                                    
And now you should see him extrude!                         
                                                            
41519 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL                          



Viagra the little blue pill                                 
Certainly does fit the bill.                                
I've taken it once                                          
And fucked 50 cunts;                                        
Have YOU got a crevice to fill?                             
                                                            
41520 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL                          



Sam's wife said, "Of sex I want more,"                      
So Viagra he bought at the store.                           
But a Viagra tower                                          
Can last for an hour;                                       
Now the lady's both happy --- and sore!                     
                                                            
41521 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



If you smoke 'em, then get off the weed.                    
Cigarettes are just more than you need.                     
They achieved the disorder                                  
That unhardened my boarder.                                 
Viagra's now helping him seed.                              
                                                            
41522 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL                          



I'm now in a hard convent bed.                              
Intravenous Viagra I'm fed.                                 
She's made me the slave                                     
Of her abnormal crav-                                       
ings, God I'm so sore and so red.                           
                                                            
41523 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL                          



If I take Viagra, my dear,                                  
My thing will stretch way out to HERE.                      
You can then rent me out,                                   
For money, no doubt.                                        
I think I have found a career!                              
                                                            
41524 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Al Willis           P9807



I will charge fifty dollars a pop,                          
A bit more if the girl wants on top.                        
My expense will be ten;                                     
I will then go again.                                       
And I'll stay on the job till I drop.                       
                                                            
41525 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Al Willis           P9807



For years, there was no erection,                           
Which led to total rejection.                               
But thanks to Viagra                                        
It feels like Niagara;                                      
Now that's what I call perfection!                          
                                                            
41526 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL                          



Said the macho and virile Senor,                            
"I can take on young girls by the score."                   
As he started to scoff,                                     
His Viagra wore off,                                        
And he pointed straight down to the floor.                  
                                                            
41527 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



I once tried Viagra for fun,                                
But there's one thing that it has done.                     
I had a hard-on so thick,                                   
People thought that my prick                                
Must weigh in at nearly a ton.                              
                                                            
41528 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Jim Weaver Collection    



With Viagra I'm back on the scene,                          
Randy as I was when just sixteen.                           
All day Sunday I'll ooze                                    
Quite a bit of man juice;                                   
Mr. Happy may burst at the seams.                           
                                                            
41529 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL                          



He wanted to show his affection                             
To the woman he thought was perfection.                     
Costly gifts she declined.                                  
He achieved peace of mind,                                  
When she took his Viagra connection.                        
                                                            
41530 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



If, for Viagra, you have an Rx,                             
Be prepared to write hefty checks.                          
The little blue pill                                        
Can run up a bill,                                          
But you'll smile as your budget it wrecks.                  
                                                            
41531 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Norm Brust               



It's Viagra thats done it for me;                           
Now my peckers as hard as can be.                           
No longer a chump,                                          
I got rid of the pump,                                      
But my fucking dick still doesnt pee!                       
                                                            
41532 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL                          



Although old Strom Thurmond could score,                    
The fact is, past eighty or more,                           
Though the spirit is willing,                               
That blood channel filling                                  
Needs Viagra's help at the core.                            
                                                            
41533 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Chris Papa               



A tired old man named Deagra                                
Has started up taking Viagra;                               
Now his vigorous dong                                       
Is easily as strong                                         
As the mightly old falls of Niagara!                        
                                                            
41534 MEDICAL - VIAGRA - TESTIMONIAL Cap'n Bean          P9807



There's a certain old relic named Fish                      
Who will tell you that sex is his dish.                     
With a wink, he'll confess                                  
To erotic prowess,                                          
But in fact, he's confined to the wish.                     
                                                            
41535 MEN - AGED                     Isaac Asimov             



An elderly fellow named Buzz                                
Bemoaned, "Age has its problems, it does.                   
I am no longer healthy,                                     
Smart, handsome, and wealthy,                               
But then again, I never was."                               
                                                            
41536 MEN - AGED                     Jerry Nordal        P0111



My deportment when young was sans flaws,                    
And my prowess in sports drew applause;                     
I was steadfast and strong.                                 
But, then, I may be wrong --                                
Is that lad who I wished that I was?                        
                                                            
41537 MEN - AGED                     William Nesbit      P0111



I left girls with their hearts a breakin'.                  
Faced all odds but was still unshaken.                      
Nothing ever fazed me.                                      
Nothing ever dazed me.                                      
It could be I am just mistaken.                             
                                                            
41538 MEN - AGED                     Tom Patton          P0111



Do chestnuts still bloom by the river,                      
With lilacs and pinks all a-quiver?                         
Will I be bolder                                            
Now that I'm older                                          
And beer-drinking has ruined my liver?                      
                                                            
41539 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man, Jeremiah,                             
Who promised one day to retire.                             
But after three days,                                       
He comes back and says,                                     
"Sorry lads, I'm a bit of a liar."                          
                                                            
41540 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



It seems in small groups of old boys,                       
That logic gets lost in the noise,                          
For they lack real direction,                               
And don't talk of affection,                                
But brag about all of their toys.                           
                                                            
41541 MEN - AGED                     Bob Birch           P9812



His skin's wrinkled up like a prune.                        
His last hair will fall out quite soon.                     
His teeth are all rotten.                                   
His ears stuffed with cotton.                               
He hums, but can't carry a tune.                            
                                                            
41542 MEN - AGED                                              



He's crazier than any ol' loon,                             
But, he still has his silver spoon.                         
He has lots of money                                        
So He is my honey                                           
And we're getting married in June.                          
                                                            
41543 MEN - AGED                                              



A ninety-year diehard from Norwich                          
Consumed a whole tureen of porrich,                         
But his subsequent claim                                    
Of the ten times he came                                    
Hasn't ever been proved, to my knowlich.                    
                                                           O
41544 MEN - AGED                     Hugh Oliver         A028A



There was an old man who likes lims;                        
When trying to write, his mind dims.                        
His pencil is leadless,                                     
He keeps getting legless,                                   
And his stories are mostly from Grimms.                     
                                                            
41545 MEN - AGED                     Archie                   



There was an old man of Belfast                             
Whose active sex life was so vast,                          
He was glad he'd worked through                             
To a spry ninety-two,                                       
When his lust was declining at last.                        
                                                            
41546 MEN - AGED                     Isaac Asimov             



By inflation young men are beset                            
And there's never a word of regret.                         
But as old age approaches,                                  
There is naught but reproaches,                             
For deflation is man's greatest threat.                     
                                                            
41547 MEN - AGED                     Al Chaplin          P8705



There are times I'm not sure of my age                      
'Cause it depends by the things that you gage.              
Will you ask me my 'years'                                  
Or how function my 'gears',                                 
You'll get different answers, I'll wage.                    
                                                            
41548 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



My body's a mish-mash of time lines;                        
My brain and my 'gears' like fine wines.                    
Age -- it improves 'em!                                     
How sad I can't use'em --                                   
'Cause my spine's ninety-eight and it whines!               
                                                            
41549 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



So, age is a relative score;                                
It depends how you feel, nothing more.                      
My spine's 98,                                              
My 'gears'- 10 + 8                                          
The rest of me's about 34.                                  
                                                            
41550 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



I don't ride commuter-type trains                           
Because of the old men with canes                           
Who lift up our skirts                                      
And claim to be flirts,                                     
Believing that we have no brains.                           
                                                            
41551 MEN - AGED                                              



There was an old man, eighty-eight,                         
Who expressed feelings that were irate.                     
There's even a rumor,                                       
He'd no sense of humor.                                     
I hope to not suffer his fate.                              
                                                            
41552 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



An octogenarian named Brady                                 
Has made out his will at age eighty.                        
He lives with his sweetie                                   
In far off Tahiti;                                          
He won't die, if he apes Warren Beatty.                     
                                                            
41553 MEN - AGED                     A Willis            T9801



Said the octogenarian, Sid,                                 
Who awoke feeling spry as a kid,                            
"One's as young as one feels;                               
I can jump, click my heels,                                 
And not fall on my face."  But he did.                      
                                                            
41554 MEN - AGED                     Jamie Swafford           



At eighty an old man named Hugh                             
Began to chase ladies anew.                                 
He went out and caught one                                  
And he found it great fun,                                  
But forgot what he next had to do.                          
                                                            
41555 MEN - AGED                     Albin Chaplin 3024  P8509



Sadly, I fear that you are                                  
Out of touch; decay has gone far.                           
When kids are allowed                                       
To say "Shit!" right out loud,                              
And you can't get a decent cigar.                           
                                                            
41556 MEN - AGED                     John Miller              



"Young men," said the hooker, "are rude,                    
Impatient, demanding and crude;                             
But the old men," she said,                                 
"Though they stink up the bed,                              
Give their gratitude-attitude latitude."                    
                                                            
41557 MEN - AGED                     Lance Payne         P8509



A decrepit old senior named Lew                             
Engaged an old maid in a screw.                             
In a month, he said, "Doc,                                  
There's a drip in my cock."                                 
Said the doctor, "You're late but you blew."                
                                                            
41558 MEN - AGED                     Al Chapolin         P8509



If affectionate pups you adore,                             
We are lusty old hound-dawgs for sure;                      
We will howl for some shagging,                             
With mangy tails wagging;                                   
We'll lift our legs on your screen door!                    
                                                            
41559 MEN - AGED                                              



Hardly a man's now alive                                    
Over age seventy five,                                      
Grown older and wiser                                       
And more a survivor                                         
(And "glad-I'm-alive!"-er) than I've.                       
                                                            
41560 MEN - AGED                     Arthur Deex         P9801



Said a Geezer of seventy-four,                              
"Can't pee without pain any more."                          
Said another old coot,                                      
"I can't shit worth a hoot;                                 
I guess we're not young anymore."                           
                                                            
41561 MEN - AGED                     Bluebird           TP9806



Then a third codger added, "I'm great!                      
No trouble when I urinate.                                  
Every morning at seven,                                     
With a shit straight from heaven.                           
But I don't seem to wake until eight.                       
                                                            
41562 MEN - AGED                     Bluebird           TP9806



Young Jerry was keen on theatricks                          
And expert at rabbit-in-hat-tricks,                         
But now, growing old,                                       
He is only consoled                                         
By remembering old Jerry-at-tricks.                         
                                                            
41563 MEN - AGED                     Laurence Perrine    P8509



John firmly believed that Christine,                        
At age twenty-two was pristine.                             
Yet this sleazebag of Hokum,                                
Seduced the poor Yokum,                                     
By mooning and gestures obscene.                            
                                                            
41564 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



What he didn't know, the poor clown,                        
Was her bad reputation in town.                             
For an olive she swallowed,                                 
Was straight away followed,                                 
By seven young men leaving town!                            
                                                            
41565 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



The advantage John took of Christine,                       
Was not just penny-pinching, but mean.                      
For he fit her out snug                                     
In a Volkswagen bug --                                      
An "Iron Maiden"-like driving machine.                      
                                                            
41566 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



But alas and alack, this poor Dumbo,                        
Little knew that Christine was Columbo,                     
And determined to fix                                       
The cad up for his tricks,                                  
That is -- dice the dude like shrimp gumbo!                 
                                                            
41567 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



His Volkswagen driving was marred,                          
When the clunker blew up in his yard.                       
And he barely recovered,                                    
When next month he discovered                               
Nitroglycerine on Chris' Visa card!                         
                                                            
41568 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



But rather than spend beaucoup boodle,                      
Johnny bought her another, (the noodle),                    
Then forced her with tears,                                 
To drive twenty-five years,                                 
And that's when she poisoned his strudel.                   
                                                            
41569 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Though he lived, Chris, with desperate striving,            
Dispatched him, through careful conniving,                  
In her German machine,                                      
And he was last seen,                                       
In old Blue with the cat, Blossom, driving!                 
                                                            
41570 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Christine's praises are great and far-flung,                
It's the word on the tip of each tongue,                    
That Chris Morely is neat,                                  
And I needn't repeat,                                       
That she's growing more sexy and young!                     
                                                            
41571 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



I said to my doctor, "Please strive                         
To lower a bit my sex drive."                               
"At your age," he said,                                     
"It's all in your head."                                    
"Just lower it down to my priv's."                          
                                                            
41572 MEN - AGED                     Martin Wellborn     P8509



You've been bad, old grouch Ebeneezer!                      
You've fucked too many a skeezer.                           
Now you have a big rash                                     
On your fat hairy ass!                                      
Yuck! What a nasty old geezer!                              
                                                            
41573 MEN - AGED                     Jennifer            T9712



His somnambulant locomotion                                 
At night makes for quite a commotion.                       
Yet, the fun's there                                        
(And some of his hair)                                      
With the aid of a daily youth potion.                       
                                                            
41574 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Even though I am now a Grand-dad,                           
I still think I'm some Galahad.                             
I can hop on a steed                                        
And go at top speed.                                        
Will you hand me my new heating pad?                        
                                                            
41575 MEN - AGED                     Al Willis                



What hair there is has gone gray.                           
The play, is the thing, not the lay.                        
A come hither glance,                                       
Affects not his pants.                                      
The get up and go's gone away!                              
                                                            
41576 MEN - AGED                     Larry Davis         P8509



There were two old fellows named Larch                      
Who walked in a great freedom march.                        
The marched for sex freedom                                 
But no girl did need 'em.                                   
It was found they were all out of starch.                   
                                                            
41577 MEN - AGED                     Albin Chaplin            



A sickly old codger named Hartz                             
No longer does frequent paid tarts:                         
Though he still feels desires,                              
Time has put out his fires;                                 
He has too many non-working parts.                          
                                                            
41578 MEN - AGED                     Armand E Singer       803



He thinks he can dance like Astaire                         
And claims to have once killed a bear.                      
He owns Delaware                                            
And the French Croix de Guerre.                             
(I don't think the old boy is all there.)                   
                                                            
41579 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Lord Percival Paddington Pride                              
Liked a nubile young girl by his side.                      
He was past ninety years,                                   
So the girl had no fears;                                   
It just proved to his friends, he'd not died.               
                                                            
41580 MEN - AGED                     Warrick Elrod            



A citizen senior named Brad                                 
To get fucked in old age would be glad,                     
But the Fates did decree                                    
He must use it to pee;                                      
He could not get it up like his dad.                        
                                                            
41581 MEN - AGED                     Albin Chaplin            



"It's ironical," said Mr. Gore,                             
"How Father Time settles the score.                         
When a man's old enough                                     
To know better, it's rough.                                 
He just doesn't want to any more.                           
(BULLSHIT - McW)                                            
41582 MEN - AGED                     A. N. Wilkins       P8509



At Codgerdom he has arriv,                                  
Still he boasts of the powers he was give.                  
Claims he's strong as an ox,                                
(Well, that's true of his socks.)                           
And his memory is like a steel sieve.                       
                                                            
41583 MEN - AGED                     Mary Sullivan       P9808



Come on, listen, you old foolish bean!                      
So far none of the girls have yet seen                      
That you do as you preach,                                  
'Cause they are out of reach                                
For a guy with ideas so obscene!                            
                                                            
41584 MEN - AGED                                              



"A man's getting elderly, Ted,                              
An octogenarian said,                                       
"When he himself notes,                                     
He stops feeling his oats                                   
And starts feeling his corns then instead."                 
                                                            
41585 MEN - AGED                     A. N. Wilkins       P8509



There was an old fellow named James                         
Who tried to remember old flames.                           
He knew June had grown fat,                                 
Eve now looked like a cat,                                  
And the rest, he forgot all their names.                    
                                                            
41586 MEN - AGED                     Warrick Elrod            



There once was an old man from Kent,                        
Whose knob was all warty and bent.                          
But he still got his oats                                   
From the randy old goats,                                   
At the old folks home where he went.                        
                                                            
41587 MEN - AGED                     Funny Bone               



My fourth grandchild was born today;                        
I don't feel like a granddad -- OK?                         
This aging's a con;                                         
Your mind stays turned on;                                  
It's the body that will not stay!                           
                                                            
41588 MEN - AGED                     Archie                   



And our Liz is also quite chuffed                           
(With some luck I might get muffed)                         
I'm in with a chance;                                       
I'm doffing my pants;                                       
But without the Viagra, I'm stuffed.                        
                                                            
41589 MEN - AGED                     Archie                   



"When old age begins," declared Drew,                       
"Depends upon your point of view,                           
And I always hold                                           
That a fellow is old                                        
Who's at least ten years older than you."                   
                                                            
41590 MEN - AGED                     A. N. Wilkins       P8509



The mad scientist thought for a while,                      
Then said with a grim evil smile,                           
"Fools!  Destroy them all!                                  
I'll be their downfall --                                   
I'll teach them to call me senile!"                         
                                                            
41591 MEN - AGED                                              



I remember back when I was single;                          
With all the girls then, I could mingle.                    
Those days were sure fun,                                   
But alas, they are done.                                    
Now all that I get is a tingle.                             
                                                            
41592 MEN - AGED                     Popsicle           TP9807



An old man must be judged on endeavor,                      
For while he rarely screws, it's not never.                 
Though he's slow to arouse,                                 
When that furrow he plows,                                  
All the girls, on the top, pop forever.                     
                                                            
41593 MEN - AGED                     Archie                   



There once was an old man from Dunningham,                  
Who was so old the ladies kept shunning 'im.                
"I was shunned in my youth                                  
But to tell you the truth,                                  
I was much better then at outrunning 'em"                   
                                                            
41594 MEN - AGED                                              



There was an Old Man who said, "Well!                       
When I do this I really feel swell;                         
I have pulled day and night,                                
But now pushing seems right.                                
Tonight I am going to raise Hell!                           
                                                            
41595 MEN - AGED                     Edwardian Leer 082       



So spent was his lordship, Sir Burke,                       
No pussy could get him to perk.                             
But a lady named Opal                                       
From Constantinople,                                        
She sure put his pecker to work.                            
                                                            
41596 MEN - AGED                     Albin Chaplin   3024-0072



Said nonagenarian Gott,                                     
"A dashing young devil I'm not,                             
But damn and by Jesus,                                      
I'm richer than Croesus,                                    
Which certainly helps me a lot."                            
                                                            
41597 MEN - AGED                     Armand E Singer       483



I know a real horny American                                
Who indulges in sex everywhere he can;                      
But I have no doubt                                         
That he'll soon wear it out--                               
And rarely go on such a tear again.                         
                                                            
41598 MEN - AGED                     Norm Storer         P9712



When you find that it's time to retire,                     
It isn't the end of desire.                                 
Though there's snow on the roof                             
You can still provide proof                                 
That the furnace has plenty of fire.                        
                                                            
41599 MEN - AGED                     Albin Chaplin   3024-2767



An old southern Colonel named Caine,                        
Whose sex urge had been on the wane,                        
Called his limp little tool                                 
"The Southland" -- the fool!                                
He thought it would rise once again.                        
                                                            
41600 MEN - AGED                     Michael Weinstein   P8509



You know that you are getting old,                          
The first time that you must be told,                       
When put to the test,                                       
That thing worked the best,                                 
When it's used to spindle, not fold!                        
                                                            
41601 MEN - AGED                     Larry Davis         P8509



To the old British Marquess of Lyonesse,                    
Said a smiling young barmaid, "Your Highness,               
When it's me your attacking,                                
I find nothing lacking                                      
In your octagenarian spryness."                             
                                                            
41602 MEN - AGED                     Isaac Asimov             



Sir David DeAngelo Dill                                     
Of the ladies, could not get his fill.                      
He had started at nine                                      
To know pleasures divine,                                   
And at ninety was doing it still.                           
                                                            
41603 MEN - AGED                     Warrick Elrod            



Though youth I admit I've relinquished,                     
I've grown more mature and distinguished.                   
And girls if you yearn                                      
For excitement, you'll learn                                
My libido remains unextinguished.                           
                                                            
41604 MEN - AGED                     Peter J. Wilkins    P9806



There's many a good tune that's played                      
On a fiddle that's almost decayed.                          
I've still got the puff                                     
For a bit of hot stuff,                                     
So come on girls and get laid.                              
                                                            
41605 MEN - AGED                     Fred                     



Despite my advancing senility,                              
Age hasn't led to debility.                                 
Girls, they adore                                           
Me, and say, "Give me more."                                
When I prove my outstanding virility.                       
                                                            
41606 MEN - AGED                     Peter W                  



Have you heard of my old uncle Ben?                         
He converses with himself, but then                         
Talking enhancers                                           
Intelligent answers,                                        
To his own intelligent question.                            
                                                            
41607 MEN - AGED                                              



Observed an old fellow named Hinkle,                        
Bemoaning each twitch or new wrinkle;                       
"My gut's gone to pot,                                      
My sex life is shot,                                        
And ten times a day I must tinkle."                         
                                                            
41608 MEN - AGED                     Armand E Singer       969



A Manic Academic Fanatic                                    
Was joking, a Geezer to panic.                              
No joking, a jerk,                                          
No rhyme, no work;                                          
You're testing my patience titanic                          
                                                            
41609 MEN - AGED                                              



My daughter swears somebody told her                        
Of a Far Eastern man, who though older                      
Than some of the rest,                                      
Could contort with the best,                                
And was known as "The Manila Folder".                       
                                                            
41610 MEN - AGED                     Macsam                   



I'm healthy, fastidious in dress.                           
And free from this HIV mess.                                
But what good does it do                                    
When I strike out to woo?                                   
At my age, they couldn't care less.                         
                                                            
41611 MEN - AGED                     John E Paulk       P9201 



Old geezers are not fun in nude groups.                     
They are nuts and have shriveled up droops.                 
I thought I would die                                       
When one started to tie                                     
Up his droop into neat bowline loops.                       
                                                            
41612 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Old age isn't really that bad,                              
When you think of the fun that you've had.                  
And a satisfied life                                        
With a wonderful wife                                       
(And today I became a grand dad).                           
                                                            
41613 MEN - AGED                                              



A practical mother named Shumate                            
Said, "Child, seek a man when you do mate                   
Who's decrepit and old                                      
With a fistful of gold --                                   
You'll soon get a crack at a new mate."                     
                                                            
41614 MEN - AGED                     Armand E Singer        56



There was an old fellow named Warrick.                      
Alas, he was hoary as Yorrick;                              
All his jokes old and stale,                                
And his mimicry pale;                                       
He'd numb you like warm paregoric.                          
                                                            
41615 MEN - AGED                     Warrick Elrod            



It's really too much for a guy                              
Who's as old as the hills, such as I;                       
For my eyes are on stalks                                   
As I go for my walks,                                       
In the town around midnight to spy.                         
                                                            
41616 MEN - AGED                                              



When I was young and ambitious,                             
Young girlies were much less delicious                      
And perfectly built;                                        
But I suffer no guilt,                                      
As I watch with a hard-on pernicious.                       
                                                            
41617 MEN - AGED                                              



Then back to the home that I own                            
With my sister, an ugly old crone;                          
But at least she's got style                                
And she'll give me a smile,                                 
As she greedily sucks on my bone.                           
                                                            
41618 MEN - AGED                                              



As I go on year after year,                                 
My mind decays further, I fear.                             
More often these days,                                      
I stand in a haze,                                          
Thinking "What was I doing in here?"                        
                                                            
41619 MEN - AGED                     Jim Weaver Collection    



I once met a fellow named Roger,                            
Who married when he was a codger.                           
His young wife was tight                                    
And try as he might,                                        
There was naught he could do to dislodge her.               
                                                            
41620 MEN - AGED                     Monique de Plume         



When Ace has a mind to console,                             
Some poor lonely girl and cajole                            
Her to join him in bed                                      
With her clothing all shed;                                 
His prize is an Ace in the hole.                            
                                                            
41621 MEN - EXPERT                   Allan Ottley, 1975       



There was a young fellow called Stan,                       
A ready-to-play kind of man.                                
The front door or back                                      
He can even smack!                                          
Whatever you want, that's his plan.                         
                                                            
41622 MEN - EXPERT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



To the bar of the Hotel Algonquin,                          
There marches the hero, all-conquin.                        
He orders the fellas                                        
Below in the cellas,                                        
While upstairs the ladies he's bonquin.                     
                                                            
41623 MEN - EXPERT                                            



A tater-chip magnate named Gray                             
Loved unrestrained romps in the hay,                        
With all kinds of fillies                                   
(Suave types to hillbillies)                                
Who fell for his great "Frito-lay."                         
                                                            
41624 MEN - EXPERT                   Armand E Singer       375



There was a young fellow named Fred,                        
An adept at getting girls into bed.                         
But by and large,                                           
He much preferred Marge,   (Brit for margarine? - McW)      
As Marge was so easy to spread.                             
                                                            
41625 MEN - EXPERT                   Linda Marsh Coll         



Said a pro from Roseau, Minnesota,                          
"Well I really don't care an iota                           
If they call me unkind                                      
When I fuck them all blind,                                 
In achieving my annual quota."                              
                                                            
41626 MEN - EXPERT                   Keith MacMillan     A068B



There was a young man so robust                             
That he suffered from Married Man's Rust.                   
When he slipped girls the missile,                          
It made their ass whistle,                                  
And the blast from his ass gave him thrust.                 
                                                            
41627 MEN - EXPERT                   Albin Chaplin 3024  G0732



A widow who lived in Celeener                               
Made every man lust who had seen her.                       
But a neighbor revealed,                                    
He had ploughed through her field,                          
And his verdict -- the ass wasn't greener.                  
                                                            
41628 MEN - EXPERT                   Hugh Oliver         A093B



An expert on humping named Ritz                             
Claimed, "Sex is no good 'less it fits                      
Supercozy and snug                                          
As a bug in a rug:                                          
Hell, anything else is the pits."                           
                                                            
41629 MEN - EXPERT                   Armand E Singer       989



Nowadays I'm a little bit older;                            
I became more experienced and bolder.                       
Girls now throng at my door                                 
'Cause I offer much more                                    
Than the average guy in the polder.                         
                                                            
41630 MEN - EXPERT                                            



There was a young fellow named Fred                         
Who did all his best work in bed;                           
Sometimes with a tome                                       
He could barely drag home,                                  
And sometimes with a woman instead.                         
                                                            
41631 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



There's a nimble young dancer in Mesa;                      
Her boyfriend's so clumsy, it slays her.                    
But on a plateau                                            
Or a table top, though,                                     
He can do things that really amaze her.                     
                                                            
41632 MEN - EXPERT                   John E Mayhood      P9805



There was a young lady named Booker                         
And many a young man had took her.                          
The butcher, the baker,                                     
The candlestick maker;                                      
Ah, but he was the one who did cook her.                    
                                                            
41633 MEN - EXPERT                   Albin Chaplin            



That Charlie is kind and he's nice,                         
But I am his one secret vice.                               
He's married to her,                                        
Though I would prefer                                       
To forget that he has home spice!                           
                                                            
41634 MEN - EXPERT                                            



My Charlie with his numb nuts bare,                         
Is giving the small guys some air.                          
In jeans tucked up tight,                                   
No relief in sight;                                         
They just go to sleep and lay there!                        
                                                            
41635 MEN - EXPERT                                            



You all must not worry 'bout me;                            
This Charlie's not real, you see.                           
Imaginary man:                                              
He fits well in my plan                                     
For limericks to combat ennui.                              
                                                            
41636 MEN - EXPERT                                            



That Charlie guy came back again.                           
He found me out playing with Ken.                           
It turned out okay --                                       
Brought Barbie today;                                       
We played with our dollies 'til ten.                        
                                                            
41637 MEN - EXPERT                                            



We're having the family for tea.                            
(Just secretly 'tween you and me,                           
That Charlie will bite                                      
Meat only all white;                                        
He wants the breast of cousin C---!)                        
                                                            
41638 MEN - EXPERT                                            



My Charlie's the runt of the litter,                        
Though his size has not made him bitter.                    
He's not very tall                                          
But, he's not all small;                                    
One thing I can say: He's no quitter!                       
                                                            
41639 MEN - EXPERT                                            



I have got a headache this <-------> big!                   
But Charlie's an amorous pig                                
Says he wants a cuddle                                      
But hopes to befuddle                                       
With oak that grew from his twig.                           
                                                            
41640 MEN - EXPERT                                            



I guess being fuddled's okay,                               
But wish he did not want to play                            
House-maid and rich-man,                                    
Because in his plan,                                        
It ends up that I have to pay!                              
                                                            
41641 MEN - EXPERT                                            



After loving a lady or two,                                 
You know about what you can do...                           
For well-managed tail                                       
Makes a gal love a male,                                    
So make sure that the male will be you!                     
                                                            
41642 MEN - EXPERT                   Grand Prix Lim  802      



There was a Don Juan from old Mizz,                         
At tracking down tail a real whiz;                          
When asked for addresses,                                   
He sneered, "My successes                                   
Are none of your fucking damn biz."                         
                                                            
41643 MEN - EXPERT                   Armand E Singer       748



There was a young fellow named Vic,                         
Known to all his mates as "Double Quick."                   
While they stopped for their tea,                           
He said none for me.                                        
His chores were all done in a tick.                         
                                                            
41644 MEN - EXPERT                   Arthur Pattaffy          



'Twas a cold winter's night in Champagne,                   
But she was not prone to complain.                          
For under the sheet,                                        
He began at her feet,                                       
And did things that drove her insane.                       
                                                            
41645 MEN - EXPERT                   Bob Birch                



Said a young man who found sex esthetic                     
And pursued it in ways most frenetic,                       
"I can eat all I wish                                       
Of each fattening dish.                                     
All this exercise seems dietetic."                          
                                                            
41646 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



There once was a fellow named Hungwell;                     
The women all said that he stung well,                      
Whether poking his pole                                     
In their vaginal hole,                                      
Or thrusting it into their bung-well.                       
                                                            
41647 MEN - EXPERT                   Cap'n Bean          P0800



I hope I'm not soundin a bore,                              
But girls always come back for more.                        
To me you won't say,                                        
"Now please go away!"                                       
Instead you'll be saying "Encore!"                          
                                                            
41648 MEN - EXPERT                   Frank S-f                



Karma Sutra?  I've thrown it away.                          
I've tried it and this I can say:                           
When I've gone by the book,                                 
I've gotten less nook,                                      
Than simply just feeling my way.                            
                                                            
41649 MEN - EXPERT                   John Miller              



A frotteur whose morals were fetid,                         
His associates deeply regretted.                            
Though they had to admit                                    
He had ways with a tit--                                    
Just see how much cunt the lout netted!                     
(frotteur - one who masturbates by rubbing against another) 
41650 MEN - EXPERT                                      G2405a



Your attitude is a dilly;                                   
Each morning you play with your willy,                      
While scratching your ass                                   
And passing some gas.                                       
I love you, Valentine; fuck me silly!                       
                                                            
41651 MEN - EXPERT                                            



Protest innocence if you must,                              
But it will not cure my disgust.                            
A jockey is fine                                            
But nothing Equine,                                         
For I want a gal I can trust.                               
                                                            
41652 MEN - EXPERT                                            



A certain young fellow named Kurtz                          
Often says, as he slowly inserts,                           
"In the hour of my leisure,                                 
I like to give pleasure;                                    
In this case, I'l give till it hurts."                      
                                                            
41653 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



I'm not saying others aren't great,                         
But for expertese, they're lightweight.                     
My tongue on your clit                                      
Close to your cockpit,                                      
Will cause you hallucinate.                                 
                                                            
41654 MEN - EXPERT                   S C Saint                



There was a young girl named Dewald                         
Who was in her bedroom appalled                             
By the agile virility                                       
And the great capability                                    
Of the man that she screwed that was bald.                  
                                                            
41655 MEN - EXPERT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0109



There was a young man from Tacoma                           
Who outwitted the Duchess Carona,                           
By trial and by error,                                      
He artfully dared her                                       
And beat her at hide the balogna.                           
                                                            
41656 MEN - EXPERT                   Allan Ecker              



"Hallelujah!" he sang, "I'm a bum!                          
And I travel the world on my thumb.                         
The cops hate me, I think;                                  
I don't bathe and I stink;                                  
Yet I still make the girls I screw come!"                   
                                                            
41657 MEN - EXPERT                   John Miller 0252         



To account for his loved one's devotion?                    
It is not, he insists, a love potion.                       
There's no trouble explaining;                              
It's his knack of maintaining                               
A long-sustained in-and-out motion.                         
                                                            
41658 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



Said a virile you tourist from Galion,                      
Who was hung like a champion stallion:                      
"I've fucked girls from Fort Worth                          
To the ends of the Earth--                                  
NONE match the hot female Italian!"                         
                                                            
41659 MEN - EXPERT                                       G0666



A young man who is admired greatly                          
Approaches all sex acts sedately.                           
Girls go into spasms,                                       
Titanic orgasms;                                            
He's not moved, he's a Johnny come lately.                  
                                                            
41660 MEN - EXPERT                   Tom Patton          P0308



Bahama Bleu welcomed me, "Hey man!                          
So nice you come visit Grand Cayman!                        
Are you gigolo?"                                            
Surprised, I said "No,                                      
Professional not -- just a layman!"                         
                                                            
41661 MEN - EXPERT                   Travis                   



When six I would daydream and doze                          
About life as a firefighter. Those                          
Were the days with no cares                                 
And no woes, unawares                                       
Just what fun I could have with my hose.                    
                                                            
41662 MEN - EXPERT                                            



Sixteen, and I met with delight                             
A young maiden who set me alight.                           
A young virgin who burned;                                  
And together we learned                                     
That my hose had the power to excite.                       
                                                            
41663 MEN - EXPERT                                            



And now I am older and gray;                                
I remember that very first day                              
We succumbed to desires                                     
And extinguished our fires,                                 
With my firefighter's hose at full spray.                   
                                                            
41664 MEN - EXPERT                                            



A well-built young fellow named Buck                        
Would go all the way when he'd fuck.                        
Girls who sampled his stuff                                 
Found that once was enough,                                 
For each felt she'd been hit by a truck.                    
                                                            
41665 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



Thirteen, and I found without doubt                         
What this hose thing I had was about.                       
So my firefighter dream                                     
Had come true it would seem                                 
But 'twas only my fires I put out.                          
                                                            
41666 MEN - EXPERT                                            



Men come in two basic types                                 
There is no simple prototypes                               
Either basically charming,                                  
Or completely disarming;                                    
Me - I love 'em.  There's no gripes.                        
                                                            
41667 MEN - EXPERT                                            



The lad with the woman is Danny,                            
Who starts with a pinch on the fanny.                       
A gallant crusader                                          
With an able persuader --                                   
His average per week is uncanny.                            
                                                            
41668 MEN - EXPERT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a happy young maid                           
Who would get into bed, undismayed,                         
Since it seemed that her friend                             
Could endure to the end,                                    
With the end very nicely delayed.                           
                                                            
41669 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



His name and fame traveled by jet.                          
World-known, he expressed no regret.                        
"I'd be first to disclaim                                   
All unmerited fame,                                         
But I haven't encountered it yet."                          
                                                            
41670 MEN - EXPERT                   Laurence Perrine    P8607



An anxious young lady, so fair,                             
Requested her escort, Pierre,                               
To advise what he'd do                                      
When prepared for a screw.                                  
"It is neither," he said, "here nor there."                 
                                                            
41671 MEN - EXPERT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0135



Maggie is such a fine bitch --                              
But her PC was all full of glitch.                          
Till one day came a Choad,                                  
Who lightened her load,                                     
And found where her on/off was switched.                    
                                                            
41672 MEN - EXPERT                   H Whelchel               



There was a collector named Dintage                         
Who checked every coin for its mintage.                     
His paintings were rare                                     
And selected with care,                                     
And the ladies he screwed were all vintage.                 
                                                            
41673 MEN - EXPERT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2016



Perfection is frequently sought;                            
Unlike a disease, can't be caught.                          
Those of us who are,                                        
Leave the door ajar                                         
For those who are yet to be taught.                         
                                                            
41674 MEN - EXPERT                   Tony Burrell             



I'd just like to make a correction,                         
Since giving that lim an inspection:                        
It's oft been repeated                                      
That I am conceited.                                        
No more, now I'm total perfection.                          
                                                            
41675 MEN - EXPERT                   Tiddy Ogg                



I too, sing a paragon song;                                 
Being perfect, now, for so long.                            
Though once I declared                                      
That my judgment had erred,                                 
In fact, that admission was wrong.                          
                                                            
41676 MEN - EXPERT                   Hugh Clary               



A fellow named Pike from Lone Creek                         
Would entertain girls with his trick;                       
He'd make his balls twirl,                                  
And they'd bounce and then whirl,                           
But the star of the show was Pike's prick.                  
                                                            
41677 MEN - EXPERT                   Bob Birch           P0900



All hail to the essence of male,                            
Strength and grace on the grandest grand scale;             
We regale noble deeds,                                      
We applaud when he leads,                                   
We exalt a man's tender impale.                             
                                                            
41678 MEN - EXPERT                   Joel D Ash          P0204



Disposition and spirit complex,                             
From caveman to gentle apex;                                
Often shy, often bold,                                      
Kingly rex shining gold,                                    
Many ways thousand fold of this sex.                        
                                                            
41679 MEN - EXPERT                   Joel D Ash          P0204



Rugged build that exudes virile power,                      
Potent knight, handsome man of the hour;                    
A fair maiden defender,                                     
Delight in his gender,                                      
His nature man's urge to deflower.                          
                                                            
41680 MEN - EXPERT                   Joel D Ash          P0204



Courageous and brave to a fault,                            
Exemplar disposed to assault;                               
Bugles stir fighting blood,                                 
Charge across fields of mud,                                
Heart basalt ancient poems doth exalt.                      
                                                            
41681 MEN - EXPERT                   Joel D Ash          P0204



Far Cathy with its mountains of yang,                       
From whence man eternal once sprang;                        
Sons gloried on earth,                                      
Yangtze pride in such birth,                                
Reverence shown to a child born with tang.                  
                                                            
41682 MEN - EXPERT                   Joel D Ash          P0204



He said "There's no need to get manic.                      
For I've got a crank more organic,                          
But you wanted a screw,                                     
So that's just what I'll do,                                
I'm a qualified pussy mechanic."                            
                                                            
41683 MEN - EXPERT                                            



Had his life had an earlier span,                           
Or pursued an alternative plan,                             
Or a different twist,                                       
I persist to insist,                                        
He might have been a Renaissance Man.                       
                                                            
41684 MEN - EXPERT                   Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



You can't be referring to me,                               
Because soon, whipper-snapper, you'll see                   
That the ladies don't laugh                                 
At the sight of my staff;                                   
They just jump it and ride it with glee.                    
                                                            
41685 MEN - EXPERT                                            



Another fine lad that I know,                               
And oh how that young man can blow!                         
He's a fantastic lay                                        
Who knows how to make hay.                                  
I was quite sad to see the lad go.                          
                                                            
41686 MEN - EXPERT                   Wersh                    



I once knew a guy from Connecticut                          
In behavior bereft of all ecticut.                          
He would strip to the nude                                  
The most reticent prude...                                  
I don't know if he could, but he secticut.                  
                                                            
41687 MEN - EXPERT                   Keith MacMillan     A029B



Unnatural lust delights Rex --                              
What's kinky, illegal, complex;                             
His wicket gets sticky,                                     
Techniques can prove tricky,                                
But Christ!  What sensational sex!                          
                                                            
41688 MEN - EXPERT                   Armand Singer       P2006



A mate with a girl in each dock                             
Continuously saw to his flock.                              
They awaited with fever                                     
Whom they knicknamed 'The Weaver'                           
'Cause his was the best shuttlecock.                        
                                                            
41689 MEN - EXPERT                   Bill Backe-Hansen   P8802



It's just not the size of your tool,                        
That makes girls like me swoon and drool.                   
I will not deny it;                                         
It's how you apply it,                                      
Inside of my own precious jewel.                            
                                                            
41690 MEN - EXPERT                                            



I learned back in school more than grammar;                 
In shop class, this caused quite a clamor.                  
"It's your skill with the drill                             
That produces the thrill,                                   
And not just the size of your hammer."                      
                                                            
41691 MEN - EXPERT                   Al Willis                



There was a young fellow named Mortie                       
Who mentally was just a shorty.                             
But in matters of love,                                     
He was shoulders above.                                     
His I.Q. on his couch was one-forty.                        
                                                            
41692 MEN - EXPERT                   Albin Chaplin            



There was a young man dressed in satin,                     
Who lived in a house with a cat in.                         
He was noted to speak                                       
In Biblical Greek,                                          
And quoted the classics in Latin.                           
                                                            
41693 MEN - EXPERT                   Richard Long             



A reluctant young lady from Mandan                          
Tried to shift what he'd gotten his hand on;                
But after some stroking,                                    
He soon had her smoking                                     
In flaming and lustful abandon.                             
                                                            
41694 MEN - EXPERT                   Hugh Oliver         A092C



A young fellow received much accclaim                       
For his skill in the sexual game.                           
A  real Juggernaut,                                         
He easily brought                                           
Three girls to the peak ere he came.                        
                                                            
41695 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



There's a Texan, a satyr of note                            
And a sexual acrobat, quote,                                
Who longhorn performance                                    
Is so wild and enormance,                                   
Gals feel when they see him, unquote!                       
                                                            
41696 MEN - EXPERT                   Grand Prix Lim  950      



A fastidious youth from Montana                             
Would undress in an elegant manner,                         
And for sex would prepare,                                  
Cleaning teeth, combing hair,                               
(Head and pubic) before he began her.                       
                                                            
41697 MEN - EXPERT                   Keith MacMillan     A073A



There was a young fellow named Les                          
Who persuaded a girl to undress.                            
The news of this score                                      
Brought him twenty-five more,                               
For nothing suceeds like success.                           
                                                            
41698 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



He's a uterine engineer,                                    
With diploma from Paul Revere.                              
On the big front door                                       
Of his brand new store,                                     
This sign: Loose Women Tightened Here!                      
                                                            
41699 MEN - EXPERT                                            



There was an old prude of Vancouver,                        
So frigid that no one could move her.                       
Till one lad did the trick                                  
With a dip of his wick,                                     
In a special Vancouver manoeuvre.                           
                                                            
41700 MEN - EXPERT                   Keith MacMillan      105b



His place of abode: Willimantic;                            
The size of his organ: gigantic;                            
If we add that he's wealthy                                 
And his need for sex healthy,                               
We know why he drives the girls frantic.                    
                                                            
41701 MEN - EXPERT                   Armand E Singer       935



All of the young girls that I meet                          
Say now sex with me is a treat;                             
They say; tell me, if you can,                              
If you're a King of the Klan,                               
'Cause you're a wizard under a sheet.                       
                                                            
41702 MEN - EXPERT                                            



And I have a store that's quite near                        
And the signage on it is clear:                             
Reluctant virgins                                           
Get hymen purgin's -                                        
"Tight Women are Loosened Here!"                            
                                                            
41703 MEN - EXPERT                                            



There was an old man from the Nile                          
Whose sexual habits were vile.                              
Yet whenever he'd score,                                    
The women all swore                                         
That he sure made perversion worthwhile.                    
                                                            
41704 MEN - EXPERT                   Isaac Asimov             



For soakin' you've got yourself ready                       
And I've got my hose for you. Bet he                        
Fires off at first touch;                                   
He missed you so much,                                      
That likely he'll spew long and steady.                     
                                                            
41705 MEN - INEPT                                             



To the hotel one night I did go                             
And spotted a likely new beau,                              
A lad five-and-twenty,                                      
Boasts the penis of plenty                                  
Experience, but it was all show!                            
                                                            
41706 MEN - INEPT                                             



A swashbuckling dude up from Dover                          
Was known to the girls as a rover.                          
So they gave a fake sigh,                                   
And kissed him goodbye,                                     
And returned to their beaux in the clover.                  
                                                            
41707 MEN - INEPT                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Jeff has a superior smile,                                  
With hands behind back all the while.                       
He walks up and down                                        
With a nose that is brown                                   
And a mind that is probably vile.                           
                                                            
41708 MEN - INEPT                    Archie                   



There once was a Mike who was bitter,                       
Which caused all the women to titter.                       
And since they thought he was keen                          
And not at all mean,                                        
He was carried around on a litter.                          
                                                            
41709 MEN - INEPT                                             



I think I know why women fail                               
To know what it is to be male:                              
Where once I could chuck-it                                 
Straight into the Bucket,                                   
I now have to carry the pail!                               
                                                            
41710 MEN - INEPT                                             



I hear that your honey has skipped,                         
'Cause she says Cybe's better equipped;                     
Says he's younger than you,                                 
And his tongue's longer too,                                
Plus you can't get your trousers unzipped!                  
                                                            
41711 MEN - INEPT                                             



A devious young con from Madras,                            
Pursued a rich miser for brass.                             
He sent him some SPAM                                       
As a token salaam,                                          
And got thrown right out on his ass.                        
                                                            
41712 MEN - INEPT                    Mike O'Conner            



I hope this won't sound too misogynous,                     
But I have them zones that's erogenous.                     
They're all in one place                                    
And none near my face,                                      
So maybe we're not so homogeneous.                          
                                                            
41713 MEN - INEPT                                             



An impatient young man of Altoona                           
Comes to climax, like others, but soona;                    
When meeting his date,                                      
He can't seem to wait,                                      
And will get all excited and roona.                         
                                                            
41714 MEN - INEPT                    Keith MacMillan     A101A



A man who can't handle the show,                            
Will find little reason to crow.                            
If she must have fun                                        
Before he is done,                                          
She'll just have to "go with the flow."                     
                                                            
41715 MEN - INEPT                    Frank                    



Though polite and "of pleasing demeanor,"                   
He's as tight as an unroasted wiener.                       
He'll deny you a loan                                       
Without changing his tone.                                  
His "demeanor" just means he get meaner.                    
                                                            
41716 MEN - INEPT                    Laurence Perrine    P8503



There was a young man of New Haven                          
Whose potential would set women ravin';                     
But here's the sad fact:                                    
In the midst of the act,                                    
Without any warning, he'd cave in.                          
                                                            
41717 MEN - INEPT                    Isaac Asimov             



Cowboys are born without diapers,                           
Midst sagebrush and cactus and vipers,                      
So they have to be tough,                                   
Which may be enough                                         
To make them the world's loudest gripers.                   
                                                            
41718 MEN - INEPT                    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Returning from three days away,                             
She looked 'round and just had to say,                      
"You sat on your duff,                                      
Stay away from my muff!                                     
That isn't the way to get laid."                            
                                                            
41719 MEN - INEPT                                             



The toys were all over the floor;                           
The laundry was piled up and more.                          
The dishes, it's true,                                      
Were a rare shade of blue                                   
From mold-rot and poisonous spore.                          
                                                            
41720 MEN - INEPT                                             



And the smell that was coming off him!                      
A mixture of sweat, piss and gin.                           
"Stay away from my bed!"                                    
She shrieked at his head,                                   
While throwing a wood rolling pin.                          
                                                            
41721 MEN - INEPT                                             



He knew that he had been wrong;                             
He tried to appease her with song.                          
But found himself busted;                                   
His pipes were all rusted                                   
from drinking right out of the bong.                        
                                                            
41722 MEN - INEPT                                             



She worked herself into a snit,                             
A screaming, most devilish fit!                             
The babies were crying;                                     
The plants started dying;                                   
She told him, "Now look, this is it!"                       
                                                            
41723 MEN - INEPT                                             



She laid down the law to him then.                          
"You'll be living your life in the den!                     
If you don't get clean,                                     
I am going to scream                                        
Until only God will know when!"                             
                                                            
41724 MEN - INEPT                                             



He wanted to woo her with kisses.                           
She ducked, he only got misses.                             
"If you want your wishes,                                   
You'll learn to wash dishes!"                               
Kicking hard where he usually pisses.                       
                                                            
41725 MEN - INEPT                                             



And so he has learned to comply;                            
At housework he's willing to try.                           
He's doing his best                                         
Till he passes the test                                     
And can once again taste her pie.                           
                                                            
41726 MEN - INEPT                                             



So guys, let me give you advice:                            
If you're hoping your girl will be nice,                    
Don't show off your power                                   
By refusing to shower,                                      
And indulging in bachelor vice.                             
                                                            
41727 MEN - INEPT                                             



If you wine too much, you get wobbly                        
And could lead to losing your jobbly.                       
A woman to be brave                                         
Is just what I crave,                                       
And to want me for more than my knobbly.                    
                                                            
41728 MEN - INEPT                                             



And as for that chick from Regina,                          
Dan will never get in her vagina.                           
She says, "This here snot                                   
Will stay out my twat,                                      
I don't never have sex with no minah!"                      
                                                            
41729 MEN - INEPT                                             



There's one thing for which I do yearn;                     
It's lack does indeed make me burn.                         
My most secret wish is:                                     
He'd help with the dishes;                                  
Seems like something that he'll never learn!                
                                                            
41730 MEN - INEPT                                             



An old chief from the banks of Zambesi                      
Always liked his sex once over easy.                        
His wife swears, in writing,                                
That's about as exciting                                    
As a grueling game of Parcheesi.                            
                                                            
41731 MEN - INEPT                    Isaac Asimov             



Young Ned was a champion lecher;                            
Shagged many a wife you can betcha.                         
Confronted one night                                        
In glowing street light,                                    
The sod sent me off on a stretcher.                         
                                                            
41732 MEN - INEPT                                             



An oversexed fellow named Croup                             
Even tried to bugger the soup.                              
Then he reckoned to screw                                   
All the knotholes and you                                   
Know the pain from a sharp splinter group.                  
                                                            
41733 MEN - INEPT                    Fred Cohen          P8504



Hold on just a minute there Hector,                         
You're pissing along the wrong vector.                      
Dont make me edgy                                           
Or I'll give you a wedgie,                                  
And shit in your pocket protector.                          
                                                            
41734 MEN - INEPT                                             



A man who works all day                                     
Without time for fun or play,                               
His wits he dulls                                           
As he sits and mulls,                                       
Waiting for a lady to come his way.                         
                                                            
41735 MEN - INEPT                                             



There once was a lad Gary Peach,                            
To whom girls were out of his reach.                        
He had nothing to do,                                       
But sit on the loo,                                         
Dreaming about naked girls on the beach.                    
                                                            
41736 MEN - INEPT                                             



I bet that your dream is a wet one;                         
They're swimming like fish and you net one.                 
Stop dreamin you fool                                       
And pinch off that stool,                                   
And then get off your ass and go get one!                   
                                                            
41737 MEN - INEPT                                             



Though at driving you can't be surpassed,"                  
She tell me, "You finish too fast.                          
As applies to the prize,                                    
Guys find 'twixt the thighs,                                
The best man, sir, finishes last."                          
(pole position is still important)                          
41738 MEN - INEPT                    John Miller              



There was a young lady of Sycamore                          
Who wanted her boyfriend to pricka more,                    
Indicating the last                                         
Time he came much too fast,                                 
And she didn't enjoy such a quicka more.                    
                                                            
41739 MEN - INEPT                    Hugh Oliver         A094A



There was a young woman named Flo                           
Who liked to be tickled below.                              
Yet she couldn't abide it                                   
When one fellow tried it;                                   
"You fool," she exclaimed, "You're too slow."               
                                                            
41740 MEN - INEPT                    Isaac Asimov             



Your control of your tool is complete,                      
And your will's hard as steel or concrete.                  
Like the other men's, too                                   
And the sky's always blue,                                  
And you'll always put down the loo-seat.                    
                                                            
41741 MEN - INEPT                    Ulla                     



My true character I've been masking,                        
And in the bright Indian sun basking;                       
If more questions you ply,                                  
In deep voice I reply,                                      
"I'm normally lying.  Who's asking?"                        
                                                            
41742 MEN - INEPT                    Anon                     



There once was a handsome young dude,                       
Who walked around in the nude.                              
He was not there to pray,                                   
When he happened to stray                                   
Into church...and that was quite rude.                      
                                                            
41743 MEN - NAKED                    Bob Birch           P9804



The suit that he wore was quite cute.                       
I thought that I spied a cheroot.                           
But my eyesight was bad;                                    
The gent was unclad;                                        
He was wearing his own birthday suit.                       
                                                            
41744 MEN - NAKED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Are those old Birthday Suits still worn?                    
I got mine on the day I was born.                           
As growing has ceased,                                      
The poor thing has creased,                                 
And now it's all tattered and torn.                         
                                                            
41745 MEN - NAKED                    Tony Burrell             



In fine leather there are creases galore;                   
Each one giving character, therefore                        
What if we regard those                                     
Creases that life bestows                                   
Proudly as the spoils of war.                               
                                                            
41746 MEN - NAKED                    Jenni Saqua              



There was a young fellow from Luton,                        
Who walked down the street with no suit on.                 
"I may be almost bare,                                      
But folks shouldn't stare.                                  
I've got a well-placed bunch of fruit on!                   
                                                            
41747 MEN - NAKED                    Arthur Pattaffy          



I find myself naked and wet.                                
I think I will for call for my pet.                         
Oh, doggie come here!                                       
Hows about a beer?                                          
Oh, doggie, calm down, please don't fret!                   
                                                            
41748 MEN - NAKED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow called Willie,                     
Whose behavior was frequently silly.                        
At the big UN ball,                                         
Dressed in nothing at all,                                  
He claimed that his costume was Chile.                      
                                                            
41749 MEN - NAKED                                             



A couple of brothers, the Beaners,                          
Lost all of their clothes at the cleaners;                  
They were forced to buy more,                               
So they walked to the store,                                
And they shopped while displaying their weiners.            
                                                            
41750 MEN - NAKED                    Cap'n Bean          P0108



A nudist, whose figure was crude,                           
Decided to dress like a dude.                               
He left for the city,                                       
But said, "It's a pity                                      
To have to disrobe to get screwed."                         
                                                            
41751 MEN - NAKED                    Julia Strawn        P8709



When they asked a young fellow why he                       
Had come nude to a dance at Tralee,                         
He said, "Your invitation                                   
To this celebration                                         
Says 'Dress Optional' here, as you see."                    
                                                            
41752 MEN - NAKED                    A. N. Wilkins       P8312



The world's in a state of unrest,                           
And folks hunker down quite distressed.                     
But I shall continue                                        
In my normal venue                                          
Of standing erect and undressed.                            
                                                            
41753 MEN - NAKED                    Travis Brasell           



May I be the first volunteer                                
To show that I too, have no fear?                           
With you I'll undress                                       
To relieve all this stress.                                 
I'll also bring chilled wine and beer.                      
                                                            
41754 MEN - NAKED                    Carol                    



Your courage will be an example                             
To other cute lasses who'll trample                         
Through miles of tall timber                                
To suck on my member,                                       
Like you do so leave them a sample.                         
                                                            
41755 MEN - NAKED                    Travis Brasell           



Prince Alexi Dimitriev Rosov:                               
His tool unexpectedly goes off.                             
It would not be so bad                                      
If he hid what he had,                                      
But instead he takes all of his clothes off.                
                                                            
41756 MEN - NAKED                    Mike Tice                



There was a nude baker named Hyde,                          
With a shop by the water's high tide.                       
The sun was so strong                                       
Before very long,                                           
His buns were all burnt on one side.                        
                                                            
41757 MEN - NAKED                    Charles Crockford   P9309



At the nudist camp big Studsman Jed                         
Said, "Leapfrog's a game that I dread.                      
I'm called a low creep                                      
For the note when I leap                                    
I get stuck half way over, instead."                        
                                                            
41758 MEN - NAKED                    Grand Prix Lim  179      



A postman whose notions were lewd                           
Went about on his route in the nude.                        
He said, "I'm a mailman                                     
And to prove I'm a male, Man,                               
This method's convincing, if crude..."                      
                                                            
41759 MEN - NAKED                    Grand Prix Lim  288      



This problem I've had for a while:                          
Old ladies walk more than a mile                            
To see me get nude.                                         
I hate to be rude;                                          
I strip just to see those girls smile!                      
                                                            
41760 MEN - NAKED                                             



A lusty young lad in the nude                               
Sighed to his woman, "I brood                               
Whenever you leave,                                         
I groan and grieve,                                         
For I miss the times that we wooed."                        
                                                            
41761 MEN - NAKED                    Clif Gauss          P8401



"Clothing-Optional Club," they had said,                    
So I wore just a hat on my head.                            
But to my surprise,                                         
They require shoes and ties,                                
And 'twas more than my face that turned red.                
                                                            
41762 MEN - NAKED                    Bob Birch           P0302



The career of a Fellow called Castor,                       
One day met with sudden disaster.                           
When he came into Hall                                      
Wearing nothing at all,                                     
And made a rude sign at the Master.                         
                                                            
41763 MEN - NAKED                                             



There was a young man from Detroit                          
Who would give to his brother his shoit.                    
When these brotherly varmints                               
Got all of his garments,                                    
As a nudist he grew quite adroit.                           
                                                            
41764 MEN - NAKED                    Baxter Sperry P0111 P9803



He asked the nude pair what they meant.                     
Had they come there with evil intent?                       
"We came, we confess,                                       
Within tent to undress,                                     
But I'm sure there was no evil meant."                      
                                                            
41765 MEN - NAKED                    Laurence Perrine    P8407



From the day that Sir Robert was born,                      
No pajamas had he ever worn.                                
When from fire one night                                    
To the street he took flight,                               
He wished night clothes he hadn't forsworn.                 
                                                            
41766 MEN - NAKED                    Warrick Elrod            



There was a perverted young prude                           
Who could not get it up in the nude.                        
His bare kit and caboodle                                   
Resembled a noodle;                                         
But in leather pants -- Whoo! What a dude!                  
                                                            
41767 MEN - NAKED                    Robin K. Willoughby P8312



He wears nothing, not even a snood,                         
Or a loin cloth, and some think this rude.                  
Women hire him to clean,                                    
(I could sure dig that scene)                               
What's his number? I need the Nude Dude.                    
                                                            
41768 MEN - NAKED                    Ann Gasser          P9408



Who the "Nude Dude" is, I cannot say,                       
But he made a small headline today.                         
He cleans homes a la buff,                                  
Which I think might be rough,                               
'Cause his own hose might get in the way.                   
                                                            
41769 MEN - NAKED                    Ann Gasser          P9408



Does he do windows? Mine are a sight.                       
And I'm partial to bums smooth and tight.                   
I love biceps that flex,                                    
And admire super 'pecs'                                     
And a clean house would be a delight.                       
                                                            
41770 MEN - NAKED                    Ann Gasser          P9408



He says nothing 'funny' goes on,                            
And most customers watch him and yawn.                      
Yeah, elephants fly,                                        
Raccoons live in a sty,                                     
And brains are admired over brawn.                          
                                                            
41771 MEN - NAKED                    Ann Gasser          P9408



A nudist's proponent named Reece                            
Was railing at hostile police:                              
"Those mean sons of bitches                                 
Will make you wear britches;                                
Stay naked, you guys; hold your piece!"                     
                                                            
41772 MEN - NAKED                    Armand E Singer       877



A sales representative bare                                 
Deplaned on time at O'Hare.                                 
He proclaimed with a hiss,                                  
"Ladies, I know I'm amiss                                   
But I'll thank you please not to stare."                    
                                                            
41773 MEN - NAKED                    Clif Gauss          P8401



Oh! What have I done with my pants?                         
I surely look rude at a glance.                             
But I pranced around nude,                                  
Was wonderfully screwed,                                    
And that made it worth all the chance.                      
                                                            
41774 MEN - NAKED                    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



At the verdict, Marie came unglued.                         
She had shot a young man in the nude.                       
In her room and in court,                                   
Marie came up short.                                        
She was scrod (That's the past tense of screwed).           
                                                            
41775 MEN - NAKED                    Al Willis           P9605



I peeked through a knothole and saw                         
Six cavorters athwart in the raw.                           
So I summoned the sherrif                                   
Who said "I don't care if                                   
They've suborned the short arm of the law."                 
                                                            
41776 MEN - NAKED                    Robin K. Willoughby P8312



My friend slept in a tent in the rough;                     
He said that it made him feel tough.                        
When he turned in at night,                                 
His girlfriend was contrite,                                
When she saw that he slept in the buff.                     
                                                            
41777 MEN - NAKED                    Arthur Pattaffy          



While punting about on the backs,                           
I purposely took off my slacks,                             
In hopes that the sun                                       
Would tan either bun --                                     
But all I received was snide cracks.                        
                                                            
41778 MEN - NAKED                    Norm Storer         P9812



Sir Hubert of Hagglestone Hall                              
Attended a masquerade ball.                                 
All his friends stood agape                                 
When as the "Naked Ape"                                     
He wore no mask nor costume at all.                         
                                                            
41779 MEN - NAKED                    Warrick Elrod            



In college I'd streak without care;                         
It was fun just to run being bare.                          
Today I'm so old                                            
And the weather so cold,                                    
That I streak in my long underwear.                         
                                                            
41780 MEN - NAKED                    Tom Patton          P0001



The dogs like to bark in the park,                          
The lovers to spark in the dark.                            
Hark! Hark! The dogs bark.                                  
They are having a lark.                                     
And the streakers flash by in the stark.                    
                                                            
41781 MEN - NAKED                    Laurence Perrine    P8610



Big Harry was far from unique,                              
In lacking athletic physique.                               
One day in the sun,                                         
He took a nude run;                                         
'Twas more like a blob than a streak.                       
                                                            
41782 MEN - NAKED                    Tiddy                    



As Harry went bobbling by,                                  
An old lady shrieked, "What do I                            
See when I'm about                                          
With a camera without.                                      
The star of "The Blob"!  That's the guy!                    
                                                            
41783 MEN - NAKED                    Marlene Lewis            



Well dear, you've a right to complain,                      
I quite understand; I'll explain:                           
My streaking's abated,                                      
With dick lacerated,                                        
That barbed wire sure gives you pain.                       
                                                            
41784 MEN - NAKED                                             



And further, in times long since hence,                     
With urges to streak quite intense,                         
Across fields I'd sprint,                                   
With never a hint                                           
I'd encounter a damn 'lectric fence.                        
                                                            
41785 MEN - NAKED                                             



There was a young man named Duane,                          
Who was nude at the beach once again.                       
He burned his left bun                                      
In the noon day sun,                                        
And now he can't sit without pain.                          
                                                            
41786 MEN - NAKED                    Richard D. Ladner        



A young man from Kensington way                             
Went out in his backyard to play.                           
He's such a cool dude,                                      
He romped in the nude                                       
And sunburned his toys, yesterday.                          
                                                            
41787 MEN - NAKED                    Marlene Lewis            



A half-dozen near-naked dudes                               
Were out trick-or-treating all nude.                        
A cop found the lads                                        
Somewhat scantily clad,                                     
And sent them away freshly clued.                           
(discovered by Jerry Nordhal)                               
41788 MEN - NAKED                    Arcata Police Log   P0302



There was an Old Man of Peru,                               
Who never knew what he should do;                           
So he tore off his hair,                                    
And ran around bare,                                        
In the hope he would find a loose screw.                    
                                                            
41789 MEN - NAKED                    Edwardian Leer 014       



A man on a sun-bed in Florida                               
Lay stripped to the buff in the corridor.                   
The people who passed                                       
Were amazed and aghast                                      
For they'd never seen anything horrider.                    
                                                            
41790 MEN - NAKED                    John Dole           P9705



A gay lost his clothes in a bet,                            
In Vegas, playing roulette.                                 
He had to walk nude                                         
Into Siegfried's room,                                      
And he ain't come out of there yet!                         
                                                            
41791 MEN - NAKED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow said, "There                        
Are fellows who like to go bare.                            
So I sits and I watches                                     
Their beautiful crotches,                                   
While they stroll in the warm summer air."                  
                                                            
41792 MEN - NAKED                    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A horny young fellow from Brest,                            
Showed up at Down-Downs undressed.                          
When the girls ran away,                                    
He said, "There'll be another day;                          
Dum vita est, spes est."                                    
(while there's life, there's hope)                          
41793 MEN - NAKED                    FB                       



Now Walloons can be found in Wallonia,                      
And most are in bed with pneumonia;                         
Comes from speaking in French                               
In the rain to some wench,                                  
While wearing just one white begonia.                       
                                                            
41794 MEN - NAKED                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady from Powiss,                         
Who asked of her lover, "Just how is                        
It possible for you                                         
To perform as you do?                                       
Quoth he, "An amalgam of ability and prowess."              
                                                            
41795 MEN - STUDS                    Linda Marsh Coll         



When it comes time to pay, its the guys                     
Overcharged in our stuffed shirts and ties.                 
Most pussy I've seen,                                       
A fair trade would have been                                
To McDonalds for burgers and fries.                         
                                                            
41796 MEN - STUDS                                             



A crafty young bugger is Sam:                               
He claims that he don't give a damn.                        
But when all's said and done,                               
He always has fun,                                          
And then leaves, with polite "Thank you, ma'am."            
                                                            
41797 MEN - STUDS                    Anon                     



A pimply young fellow named Glover,                         
Who fancied himself quite the lover,                        
Informed all those who said                                 
He'd be lousy in bed,                                       
"You can't tell a book by its cover."                       
                                                            
41798 MEN - STUDS                    Armand E Singer       368



There once was a fellow so vile,                            
All our maids lost their heads for a while.                 
Somehow what he lacked                                      
In breeding and tact,                                       
He made up for by sheer lack of style.                      
                                                            
41799 MEN - STUDS                    John Ciardi              



There lives a young man in La Paz,                          
Who is known for his carnal pizzazz.                        
You might think such exuberance                             
When employing his protuberance                             
Would cause problems.  Well guess what?  It has!            
                                                            
41800 MEN - STUDS                    Robert Elliot            



A randy but careless tycoon                                 
Hired whores out in outer Kowloon.                          
With no care for his wealth,                                
And less for his health,                                    
He spent all his life chasing poon.                         
                                                            
41801 MEN - STUDS                                             



The wisest of poon chasers cease                            
The chase when they ask for a piece                         
Of tail from the 'lookers',                                 
They think are real hookers,                                
Who say, "Gotcha, John, we're police!"                      
                                                            
41802 MEN - STUDS                    Travis Brasell           



A base-looking fellow named Bostick                         
Was asked why his manner was caustic.                       
He replied with some guile                                  
And an acidy smile,                                         
"The gum that I chew makes my jaws stick!"                  
                                                            
41803 MEN - STUDS                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2458



Take a lesson from Timmy O'Berk,                            
Who would not do all his homework.                          
He'd goof off in classes                                    
With all the sweet lasses;                                  
Today he's a Congressional Clerk.                           
                                                            
41804 MEN - STUDS                    Lynn Mostafa             



Just give a poet a chance,                                  
And he'll detail his latest romance!                        
We met on the net,                                          
So you all know the set...                                  
It's like deja vu in advance.                               
                                                            
41805 MEN - STUDS                    Writerman                



Said a young man, "I'm really delighted                     
To find that my love is requited                            
By all twenty-eight                                         
Of the girls that I date.                                   
Were there fewer, I'd feel myself slighted.                 
                                                            
41806 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



A businessman based in Biloxi                               
Was known far and wide to be foxy.                          
He transmitted his orders                                   
Via two tape recorders,                                     
While he stayed home and diddle his doxy.                   
                                                            
41807 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



In Dublin, the young Michael Byrne                          
Decided his girlfriend to spurn.                            
His philosophy:                                             
Was there's more in the sea.                                
Now he doesn't know which way to turn!                      
                                                            
41808 MEN - STUDS                    Arthur Pattaffy          



I know a young fellow of Vernon                             
Who is seeking the ultimate turn-on;                        
He has not found it yet,                                    
But I'm willing to bet                                      
That he's having a ball while he's learnin'.                
                                                            
41809 MEN - STUDS                    Keith MacMillan      102d



There was a young man from New York                         
Whose morals were lighter than cork.                        
"Young chickens," said he,                                  
"Have no terrors for me--                                   
The bird that I fear is the stork!"                         
                                                            
41810 MEN - STUDS                                        G2444



There once was a stupid filmmaker                           
With the black heart of an undertaker.                      
No longer a lover,                                          
Or significant other,                                       
Just a mean sonofabitch heartbreaker.                       
                                                            
41811 MEN - STUDS                    Anon                     



They called him The Gimlet of Gimli,                        
From which you may comprehend dimly;                        
Girls ecstatically screamed                                 
As he expertly reamed,                                      
While their husbands just glared at him grimly.             
                                                            
41812 MEN - STUDS                    John E Maywood           



A fluttering eyelash's guaranteed                           
To make me start panting with need.                         
So while you just tease,                                    
Remember this, please:                                      
I'm planning on sowing my seed.                             
                                                            
41813 MEN - STUDS                                             



My eyes have gone weepy and blurry                          
At the sight - and I'm getting all purry.                   
I'm wet in the pussy;                                       
That stud is no wussy;                                      
He can plant it in me in a hurry.                           
                                                            
41814 MEN - STUDS                                             



A sour-faced colonial named Hillary                         
Always smelled like a well-used distillery.                 
For that, plus his urgin's                                  
To deflower sweet virgins,                                  
He was always found in the pillory.                         
                                                            
41815 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



What's happened to my favorite toy;                         
They one that all ways gives me joy;                        
The one with the tongue                                     
Who is also well-hung;                                      
That cute sweet Iowa farm boy?                              
                                                            
41816 MEN - STUDS                    Carol                    



There once was an odious steward                            
Who dreamed of his women all skewered.                      
He'd advance on his prey                                    
In his lecherous way,                                       
Remembering to keep to the leeward.                         
                                                            
41817 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



A young man, who fights bulls in La Paz,                    
Has announced, to loud female applause,                     
"No vibrating gizmo                                         
Can match my machismo,                                      
So you'd better start learning La Maze."                    
(easy breathing birth technique)                            
41818 MEN - STUDS                    Ward Hardman             



In the Spring a young man from Toledo                       
Advertised he'd a rampant libido;                           
The girls by the score                                      
Appeared at his door;                                       
There ensued a libido stampedo!                             
                                                            
41819 MEN - STUDS                    Leokap                   



My Sweetie's broad, strong, hairy chest,                    
His cozy hugs that I like best;                             
His twinkling brown eyes,                                   
His muscular thighs,                                        
The rest of him when he's not dressed.                      
                                                            
41820 MEN - STUDS                    Marlene Lewis            



Dear Sisters, here's what I think:                          
All this news about the president's 'kink'                  
Makes one forget                                            
There's a lot of guys yet,                                  
Who are great, whatever they drink.                         
                                                            
41821 MEN - STUDS                    Annie Jay                



I do not like spiders or snakes;                            
To love me, that ain't what it takes.                       
But give me sweet Jim,                                      
His songs, and his ... him;                                 
Give me the sweet music he makes.                           
                                                            
41822 MEN - STUDS                                             



I'm another who loves them and leaves them.                 
In this case, I say "love" just to tease them.              
They've heard it before,                                    
Men lie by the "score",                                     
But the women, they know.  You can't please them.           
                                                            
41823 MEN - STUDS                    Stephanie Smilay         



I'm a wild girl, I tell no lie.                             
I ball every night, you know why?                           
I've got a new date                                         
And he's really great:                                      
Mr Mushroom, a real fun guy.                                
                                                            
41824 MEN - STUDS                                             



My little brother Ben is no saint;                          
He makes all women swoon and faint.                         
He went to The Bahamas                                      
And picked up some mamas,                                   
But a monkey lover I hope he ain't!                         
                                                            
41825 MEN - STUDS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



You might be surprised that some guys                       
Do not have to resort to lies.                              
I think what I feel                                         
And express it for real,                                    
While others are ruled by their flies.                      
                                                            
41826 MEN - STUDS                                             



A young man from the high Himalayas                         
Was the best of the sexual players.                         
At women's conventions,                                     
His lustful attentions                                      
Really pleased every girl on the dais.                      
                                                            
41827 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



What is it that you like to do?                             
Well, for sure, we all like to screw.                       
But that little thing                                       
That makes your bell ring;                                  
Give me your point of view.                                 
                                                            
41828 MEN - STUDS                    Puff Adder               



I like to mingle with whores;                               
I like to dress without drawers.                            
Drive fast cars,                                            
Snap women's bras.                                          
I like to piss outdoors.                                    
                                                            
41829 MEN - STUDS                    Puff Adder               



It's grand to sit in the shade,                             
Leave all my bills unpaid.                                  
Over coffee linger,                                         
Give people the finger,                                     
Get caught in a gambling raid.                              
                                                            
41830 MEN - STUDS                    Puff Adder               



I like to go without shirts;                                
Have fingernails full of dirt.                              
Go out to eat                                               
In my bare feet.                                            
Peek up women's skirts.                                     
                                                            
41831 MEN - STUDS                    Puff Adder               



I like to make up rhymes;                                   
Show up at all the wrong times.                             
Cause lots of stress;                                       
Just be a pest.                                             
Tip snooty waiters a dime.                                  
                                                            
41832 MEN - STUDS                    Puff Adder               



Someday I'll have to end                                    
This self-destructive trend.                                
It's made me discover,                                      
I can't find a lover.                                       
Hell, I can even find a friend.                             
                                                            
41833 MEN - STUDS                    Puff Adder               



Puff, buddy, we must be twins.                              
I read your list -- got me some grins.                      
It seem we're alike,                                        
Right down to the psych.                                    
And hung, of course, like zeppelins.                        
                                                            
41834 MEN - STUDS                    H WHELCHEL               



You and me, bud, tell you what!                             
We can be rude and rhyme smut.                              
Perhaps we should hang,                                     
And chase us some tang,                                     
And fuck us a cheap gooey slut.                             
                                                            
41835 MEN - STUDS                    H WHELCHEL               



A fellow who lives in Manhattan,                            
Loves girls who wear nothing but satin,                     
And beautiful ladies                                        
Who drove new Mercedes;                                     
I wonder if he's really Latin.                              
                                                            
41836 MEN - STUDS                    Norm Storer              



A programmer delving in bytes                               
Switched to women on Saturday nights,                       
When he nibbled their tits                                  
And analysed bits,                                          
And quickly got into their tights.                          
                                                            
41837 MEN - STUDS                                             



My Charlie has not been around.                             
I think it's because he has found                           
Some hot little miss                                        
That he'd rather kiss.                                      
'But, I'll get him back on rebound.                         
                                                            
41838 MEN - STUDS                                             



He's off playing some sexy game.                            
And all his excuses are lame:                               
"I've come into Money!"                                     
But I think it's funny,                                     
His girlfriend has such an odd name.                        
                                                            
41839 MEN - STUDS                                             



Remarked an old rounder named Lou,                          
"There's something I sense about you;                       
I am sure we once had                                       
An affair in my pad:                                        
A feeling I'd call 'deja screw'."                           
                                                            
41840 MEN - STUDS                    Armand E Singer       711



You've all heard of Solomon Grundy.                         
Indeed he was born on a Monday;                             
But shall we find out                                       
If the lights all went out                                  
On the Saturday evening or Sunday?                          
                                                            
41841 MEN - STUDS                                             



On Tuesday he sucks his first nip                           
And his Oedipus Complex takes grip;                         
But he finds that his Pampers                               
(Quite rightly too) hampers                                 
The vertical thrust of his tip.                             
                                                            
41842 MEN - STUDS                                             



On Wednesday the woe-begone lad                             
Ends the day with a pain in his 'nad;                       
For his sweet little sister                                 
Insisted he kissed 'er,                                     
Then laughed at the swelling he had.                        
                                                            
41843 MEN - STUDS                                             



On Thursday (at last all alone),                            
He wakes up with a throbbing great bone;                    
So he throws off the sheet                                  
To take care of his meat,                                   
But then in walks his Great Auntie Joan.                    
                                                            
41844 MEN - STUDS                                             



On Friday he thinks he can't fail,                          
When he visits young prostitute Gale.                       
As he quivers with lust,                                    
Come the cops; "It's a bust!"                               
They say, dragging her off to the jail.                     
                                                            
41845 MEN - STUDS                                             



On Saturday, knitting his brows                             
At the thought of both chickens and cows                    
And his pet poodle pup,                                     
He decides to give up                                       
And makes serious celibate vows.                            
                                                            
41846 MEN - STUDS                                             



Now Sunday; the end of the week.                            
There he is in a monastery bleak,                           
Where the Sisters of Mercy                                  
Attend to his percy,                                        
And polish his knob-end of teak.                            
                                                            
41847 MEN - STUDS                                             



I never feel the need to brag                               
(To do so would cause me to gag).                           
I've no need to wank,                                       
To stiffen my plank;                                        
I'm much better off with a shag.                            
                                                            
41848 MEN - STUDS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



"I need a man with a slow hand,"                            
And easy touch wearing my brand.                            
His nook and his cranny;                                    
His firm, sexy fanny,                                       
Will just send me off to dreamland.                         
                                                            
41849 MEN - STUDS                                             



There was an old man of Wyoming                             
Who was very much given to roaming.                         
He had but to pass                                          
Just any old lass,                                          
To run after her, snorting and foaming.                     
                                                            
41850 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



Poor Peter is suffering from Priapism                       
And huge quantities of jism.                                
He is undoubtably sore                                      
But his "muffers" want more                                 
And keep usin' and usin' and usin' 'im.                     
                                                            
41851 MEN - STUDS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Wailed overworkded loverboy, Juan,                          
"I can't take too many more on.                             
Excessive exertion,                                         
Much less full immersion,                                   
Could prove the last song for this swan."                   
                                                            
41852 MEN - STUDS                    Armand E Singer       319



A nerdy young fellow named Dudly                            
Was seen by the girls as just cuddly.                       
But his thong left no doubt                                 
For the truth stuck right out.                              
They hollered, "Oh Dudley, you're studly!"                  
                                                            
41853 MEN - STUDS                    Irene Livingston         



You sailors think you're all the rage,                      
But I am quite good for my age.                             
I'm quick in the riggin'                                    
And my dingey's a big 'un,                                  
For it took two lads to haul it on stage!                   
                                                            
41854 MEN - STUDS                    Garold Amadon            



A conceited young man known as Rocky,                       
Though quite unattractive and stocky,                       
Pleased all of the women --                                 
Really left their heads swimmin',                           
And that was what made him so cocky.                        
                                                            
41855 MEN - STUDS                    Anon                     



Now I ain't the sort who is smart                           
In book-larnin', music or art.                              
But in my defense,                                          
My good common sense                                        
With gals spreads their damn legs apart.                    
                                                            
41856 MEN - STUDS                    Travis Brasell           



There is a young student named Orme,                        
Around whom all the girl students swarm.                    
He's reputed wealthy.                                       
This attraction's not healthy;                              
It's the riot before the brainstorm!                        
                                                            
41857 MEN - STUDS                    Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old lecher from Erie                           
Who said, "In response to your query,                       
As to whether I'm bored                                     
Having so often scored --                                   
It's the women get bored; I get weary."                     
                                                            
41858 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



When all the girls flocked around Dave                      
One day, he became rather grave.                            
"I don't know," he confessed,                               
"Whether it's my red vest,                                  
My moustache, or my new aftershave."                        
                                                            
41859 MEN - STUDS                    A. N. Wilkins       P8405



You're held in the highest esteem,                          
By all of us girlies who deem,                              
That you prefer whores,                                     
Or lepers with sores,                                       
Or livestock from your own ranch team.                      
                                                            
41860 MEN - STUDS                                             



I've painted myself mottled green;                          
When I'm still, I cannot be seen.                           
It is now the job                                           
Of you and your knob                                        
To be a cunt detect machine.                                
                                                            
41861 MEN - STUDS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Mike                         
Who, after a twenty-mile hike,                              
Could still manage to hurl                                  
Himself at a girl.                                          
That's the kind of a guy women like.                        
                                                            
41862 MEN - STUDS                    Isaac Asimov             



A young break-dancer named Chris,                           
Had the women queueing him to kiss.                         
What began as a cuddle                                      
Quickly turned to a muddle                                  
Of Chris, a young miss, and much bliss.                     
                                                            
41863 MEN - STUDS                    Jan M                    



Now let me set this rumor straight,                         
'Cause gossip is one thing I hate.                          
Especially pertaining                                       
To my moral training --                                     
The truth, here, I shall now, relate:                       
                                                            
41864 MEN - STUDS                                             



"Tis true that ol' Ob likes to watch,                       
But, a ewe, I would never debauch!                          
Rumor's contradicted...                                     
I'm strictly restricted                                     
To only female HUMAN crotch!                                
                                                            
41865 MEN - STUDS                    Observer                 



I once wrote a book called: "The Silly                      
Adventures of Upstanding Willy,                             
A Longshanks Descendant                                     
And Ladies Attendant                                        
And Pleaser of Any Old Filly."                              
                                                            
41866 MEN - STUDS                    Travis Brasell           



Old Fillys, Dear Sir, you should know                       
Can outlast a good many beaux.                              
They've been there and floored 'em,                         
In good times and boredom.                                  
But boy!  When they go, can they go!                        
                                                            
41867 MEN - STUDS                    Travis Brasell           



Dear Peter has hop-in-bed toes,                             
And a cute little nuzzle-me nose.                           
His manner's all gruff                                      
But his body is buff;                                       
He looks his best without clothes.                          
                                                            
41868 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Marlene Lewis            



When one mentions the name Chippendale                      
Many women will shreik and will wail.                       
The males twist and cavort.                                 
There's quite an onslaught;                                 
The female crowd would like them in a sale.                 
                                                            
41869 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young man from Milwaukee                        
With build rather short and quite stocky.                   
Of the girls he had made,                                   
Hardly one was dismayed,                                    
Though a few did presume he was cocky.                      
                                                            
41870 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Albin Chaplin            



The wild fighting Pasha Khalil                              
Had muscles much harder than steel.                         
Just the clink of his balls                                 
As he stormed through the halls,                            
Made his concubines titter and squeal.                      
                                                            
41871 MEN - STUDS - BUILT                                G0374



I just go in that place for sex.                            
There're no brains above those guys' necks.                 
But they are sure hot                                       
And sweaty a lot,                                           
And they have such marvelous pecs!                          
                                                            
41872 MEN - STUDS - BUILT                                     



There once was a big guy named Blake                        
Who looked like he ate too much steak.                      
He had sex appeal                                           
Which might seem unreal,                                    
But I bet that the girls didn't fake.                       
                                                            
41873 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Anon                     



With muscles powerful and clean,                            
My love can be easily seen.                                 
Don't like 'em too lumpy                                    
Or overly bumpy;                                            
I like muscles just smooth and lean.                        
                                                            
41874 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Body builder muscle-bound guys                              
Might walk off with someone's hunk prize.                   
But pure sculptured lines                                   
Dressed up to the nines,                                    
Makes hairs on my nape up and rise.                         
                                                            
41875 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Jim Weaver Collection    



These men are like sleek hunting cats,                      
Make me want to give rubs and pats.                         
Dangerous hard men who                                      
Shock my old libido;                                        
They elevate my thermostats.                                
                                                            
41876 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Jim Weaver Collection    



So secretly, between me and you,                            
Though I lust to catch one or two,                          
Because I'm not sleek                                       
And I'm somewhat meek,                                      
I will just admire the view.                                
                                                            
41877 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Now you guys always have squawked                           
And among yourselves you have talked.                       
But 'tis not the size                                       
That caught my eyes,                                        
It's the way that it moved when he walked.                  
                                                            
41878 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Robyn                    



There was a young lady called Sandy,                        
Who had an affair with a dandy.                             
Now I don't mean a fruit                                    
Who could not toot a hoot,                                  
But a robust big he-man and handy.                          
                                                            
41879 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Albin Chaplin            



He's so charming and handsome and slim,                     
But Melissa is dumping her Tim.                             
He's unfaithful and brash                                   
And won't put out the trash,                                
Though the trash will all put out for him.                  
                                                            
41880 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Graham Lester            



Not wearing a shirt shows my muscles,                       
Which makes women only want tussles                         
With me in their beds,                                      
Which gives me the 'dreads'                                 
Of stripping them of their huge bustles.                    
                                                            
41881 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Travis Brasell           



I'm watching the scoop shovel dig;                          
The dirt piles it makes are so big.                         
The gopher's in awe;                                        
It would like a claw,                                       
As big as the one on that rig.                              
                                                            
41882 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Marlene                  



As for me, I'll just take the worker.                       
One can tell that he is no shirker.                         
He's got great equipment!                                   
I will accept shipment;                                     
His pectorals drive me berzerker.                           
                                                            
41883 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Marlene                  



Today he is all dressed in black.                           
He pokes at some thing in the back                          
That's under a lid.                                         
Don't know what they did                                    
But that scoop extension's gone slack.                      
                                                            
41884 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Marlene                  



For luncheon I go 'cross the street,                        
To ogle this big hunk and eat.                              
He swivels his hips;                                        
I must lick my lips;                                        
Construction guys just cannot be beat!                      
                                                            
41885 MEN - STUDS - BUILT            Marlene                  



Give me a man any day                                       
Who's fun and who knows how to play,                        
With kisses and hugs,                                       
Who squeezes and snugs,                                     
And all through the night with me stays.                    
                                                            
41886 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Arden                    



There was a young man of Vancouver,                         
Highly skilled in erotic maneuver.                          
He screwed without cease                                    
Both Lenore and Elyse,                                      
With young Jacqueline first as hors d'oeuvre.               
                                                            
41887 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Isaac Asimov             



Said a sensitive youth of Virginia                          
To his paramour, "Once I beginia,                           
You will have no regret                                     
That I tend to forget                                       
About everything else, once I'm inia."                      
                                                            
41888 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Keith MacMillan     A119C



For a lover, then I am your man;                            
I'll prong you just like a cave man.                        
But also so gentle                                          
Without being sentimental,                                  
You'll lose all track of timespan.                          
                                                            
41889 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         S C Saint                



A custodial drudge at IBM,                                  
Sleeps nightly with high-salaried quim.                     
His corporate status                                        
Is that of a 'rattus'                                       
But the she-pinstripes swear by his vim.                    
                                                            
41890 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Bruce Thompson           



A young man who is named Isadore                            
Is a fellow no dame would abhor.                            
When he's had all his fun,                                  
And the screwing is done,                                   
He will still whisper feebly, "Once more!"                  
                                                            
41891 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Isaac Asimov             



There once was a man of virility,                           
Who was manly despite his sterility.                        
He humped every whore                                       
Till she screamed, "No More!"                               
And his ego returned to tranquility.                        
                                                            
41892 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Leona                    



There was a young rake from Mt. Shasta                      
Whose dream was to prove himself fastah                     
At finding and humping                                      
And spreading and thumping                                  
The various chicks he did mastah.                           
                                                            
41893 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Armand E Singer        66



There was a young lover named Teddy,                        
Whose action was slow and quite steady.                     
By conserving his powers,                                   
He lasted three hours,                                      
Then shouted, "Next girl, please. I'm ready."               
                                                            
41894 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Isaac Asimov             



He is often asked, "How do you entice                       
All those maidens? What is your device?"                    
Says Knightely with pride,                                  
"They queue up to get pied,                                 
Then I tell them my christian name's Thrice."               
                                                            
41895 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Lucy                     



Thrice Knightley, the man of my dreams!                     
He thrills me and fills me and creams!                      
I say au revoir                                             
To my silky peignoir                                        
As I submit to his golden streams.                          
                                                            
41896 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Ericka                   



As long as his skills aren't deficient,                     
(And lacking in knowledge he isn't) --                      
If he can last all night,                                   
Till dawn's early light,                                    
Then just Once Knightely is sufficient!                     
                                                            
41897 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Kaylin                   



In your teens, you can do it tri-nightly,                   
In your twenties, you'll surely try nightly.                
Then it's just once a week,                                 
Then just once, very weak,                                  
Then yearly...but that is tonightly..                       
                                                            
41898 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Tiddy Ogg                



Some day it's a thing of the past;                          
Can't remember when you had it last --                      
But as long as you still                                    
Get a bit of a thrill,                                      
It's a thrill that is still unsurpassed!                    
                                                            
41899 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Kaylin                   



A swinging young drummer named Pell                         
Took broads to his sleazy motel                             
And did the whole night                                     
Until it got light,                                         
What's figured of such clientele.                           
                                                            
41900 MEN - STUDS - DURATION         Armand E Singer       285



The engine mechanic named Clark                             
Picked up a young maid in the park.                         
He could not get her started                                
For she sputtered and farted,                               
Till he found the advance on her spark.                     
                                                            
41901 MEN - STUDS - READY            Albin Chaplin   3024-0086



He now unzipped his appliance                               
And waved it around in defiance.                            
He cried, "I can lay                                        
ANY babe, ANY day..."                                       
And he quickly acquired several clients!                    
                                                            
41902 MEN - STUDS - READY            Grand Prix Lim  960      



A carefree Lothario named Clark                             
At night went to spark in the park.                         
He remarked, rather sprightly,                              
"It's to hide what's unsightly,                             
For they all feel the same in the dark."                    
                                                            
41903 MEN - STUDS - READY            Albin Chaplin   3024-0085



Renaldo loves tail -- he's a Pisan;                         
He rarely will give you a reason,                           
But if pressed he will say,                                 
"It's more fun than croquet,                                
It's harmless and always in season."                        
                                                            
41904 MEN - STUDS - READY            Armand E Singer       802



He has been busy as hell,                                   
Online and offline as well.                                 
Now he's back with some luck                                
And ready to fuck                                           
Any female whose name he can spell.                         
(that narrows it down quite a bit - McW)                    
41905 MEN - STUDS - READY            Writerman                



You whisper desires of your soul;                           
For that I will never cajole                                
With meaningless phrases,                                   
But in your love phases,                                    
I'll thrust my cock in any hole!                            
                                                            
41906 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



There once was a man name of Burt;                          
With all different types he would flirt.                    
As long as it had hair,                                     
He sure didn't care                                         
What he found under the skirt.                              
                                                            
41907 MEN - STUDS - READY            Dr Limerick  04-16-96    



A gay young Lothario, Haslet,                               
1ikes to feed every flame that he has lit.                  
Rare the cunt who denies                                    
When that look in his eyes                                  
Hints a fuck that is certain to frazzle it.                 
                                                            
41908 MEN - STUDS - READY                                G2697



Okay, I admit I looked daft,                                
And for sure, dear Nawahl, you'd have laughed;              
But instead of disturbed,                                   
You'd have felt more perturbed                              
At the length and the girth of my shaft.                    
                                                            
41909 MEN - STUDS - READY            Anon                     



A second more likely, my dear,                              
If you'd shown me your cute little rear                     
Bending over a table                                        
To keep yourself stable                                     
And braced for thrust of my spear.                          
                                                            
41910 MEN - STUDS - READY            Anon                     



Your interest you'll have to curtail                        
You'd be following up the wrong trail.                      
In my pants that's a cock,                                  
Not a strap-on or sock;                                     
Whether clad or unclad I'm a male.                          
                                                            
41911 MEN - STUDS - READY            Anon                     



'Twas a pastor named Rupert Gazzinski                       
Who was partial to the old "out-and-in"-ski.                
He was found out and cursed;                                
But it could have been worse;                               
It could have been Monica Lewinsky!                         
                                                            
41912 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



Objected a playboy named Plumber,                           
"The charge I'm a a heel is a bummer;                       
But still, it is true,                                      
To give truth its due,                                      
I'm faithful -- but just for one summer."                   
                                                            
41913 MEN - STUDS - READY            Armand E Singer       665



There was a young freshman named Judd,                      
Whose tool, when engorged with hot blood,                   
Was the very quintessence                                   
Of salacious tumesence:                                     
A must at frat parties for stud.                            
                                                            
41914 MEN - STUDS - READY            Armand E Singer       189



Now women belong on their knees,                            
A position that's certain to please.                        
I'll be ever so kind,                                       
As I can from behind.                                       
(Now take that, you tight-twatted tease.)                   
                                                            
41915 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



Night or day, "piece of mind" most guys pass;               
Their goal, in terms rather more crass,                     
Is that they's rather try                                   
Before time goes by,                                        
To get them a "good piece of ass!"                          
                                                            
41916 MEN - STUDS - READY            Chris Papa               



It is nice to visit The City,                               
To partake of cooz and some titty.                          
I once spent a week                                         
With a Chinese girl sleek,                                  
Who wanted not more itty bitty.                             
                                                            
41917 MEN - STUDS - READY            Frank Fazed              



Lil' Italy was my next stop;                                
I went to see Tony the cop.                                 
But he wasn't there,                                        
So with time to spare,                                      
I gave his young sister a pop.                              
                                                            
41918 MEN - STUDS - READY            Frank Fazed              



The Irish gals soon would be bitchin'                       
If I didn't visit Hell's Kitchen,                           
Where young Colleen so fair                                 
Acted out a sex dare,                                       
That left my poor tally whack twitchin'.                    
                                                            
41919 MEN - STUDS - READY            Frank Fazed              



The Village I managed to miss,                              
And before you boo and you hiss,                            
They'd ask, was I gay,                                      
But I'm not that way;                                       
It's women that I like to kiss.                             
                                                            
41920 MEN - STUDS - READY            Frank Fazed              



My last stop I saved for Uptown,                            
Where they really know how to get down,                     
And in spite of my hue                                      
I fit like an old shoe,                                     
And lived large with no reason to frown.                    
                                                            
41921 MEN - STUDS - READY            Frank Fazed              



A man's desire to fuck                                      
Is a game of considerable luck,                             
The promises he makes,                                      
And the interest he fakes                                   
In the name of hormones run amok.                           
                                                            
41922 MEN - STUDS - READY            Anthony Tanaka-Burns     



I've a hunger I often must feed,                            
As a baker, his dough he must knead.                        
I'll probably burst                                         
If I don't quench my thirst                                 
To deposit my seminal seed!                                 
                                                            
41923 MEN - STUDS - READY            Friar               T9801



There once was a fellow named Drew,                         
Who knew what he wanted to do.                              
If he had half a chance,                                    
He'd get into your pants,                                   
'Cause he's sure in the mood now to screw.                  
                                                            
41924 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



There was a sexy stud named Matt,                           
Who could have women in no time flat.                       
He'd get them all drunk                                     
And fill them with spunk;                                   
A notch for his bed, just like that!                        
                                                            
41925 MEN - STUDS - READY            Stephen Cordwell         



A sadly afflicted young stutterer                           
With a wish, but unable to utter 'er,                       
Showed his favorite tart                                    
The appropriate part                                        
Of the drawings in his Kamasutra.                           
                                                            
41926 MEN - STUDS - READY            Isaac Asimov             



There once was a fellow named Drew,                         
Who broke through the floor and crashed through.            
With pelvises bumping,                                      
He continued on humping-                                    
Now that's what I'd call a good screw.                      
                                                            
41927 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



A vibrant and virile young Viking,                          
For intercourse had a great liking.                         
He would shatter the asses                                  
Of sweet Viking lasses,                                     
As though he were lightning a-striking.                     
                                                            
41928 MEN - STUDS - READY                                G0792



A critic of Lit, by named Trilling                          
Said, "Lead me to pussy, I'm willing;                       
Of the things that do gruntle,                              
Close encounters up frontal,                                
Are far and away the most thrilling.                        
                                                            
41929 MEN - STUDS - READY            Armand E Singer       688



An outdoorsman of St. Boniface                              
Was imbued with a love for the chase.                       
And especially in spring                                    
It would make his heart sing,                               
Just to think of a good piece of ass.                       
                                                            
41930 MEN - STUDS - READY            Keith MacMillan       80b



A man had a pickle, he sucked it.                           
That man saw a ball, he ducked it.                          
The man was so lucky,                                       
To be a good hucky,  (?)                                    
So he took his women and fucked it.                         
                                                            
41931 MEN - STUDS - READY            Jim Weaver Collection    



I shared an apartment with Ted,                             
Who spent most of his time in bed.                          
If it wasn't one girl, 'twas two,                           
And he'd shag, bore and screw,                              
And the bed sheets were torn to a shred.                    
                                                            
41932 MEN - STUDS - READY            Mushroom                 



A young cocksman of Havre de Grace                          
Keeps packed in his car a suitcase.                         
For one never knows                                         
If there's time to grab clothes,                            
From the looks on the girl's father's face.                 
                                                            
41933 MEN - STUDS - READY            Grizz                    



Better to have sex on the brain,                            
Than to be criminally insane.                               
A natural act,                                              
So common in fact;                                          
To try and hide would be in vain.                           
                                                            
41934 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



An insatiable monster is Corning;                           
From the time he wakes up in the morning                    
To the last gleam of light                                  
And down through the night,                                 
He's so horny, the guy needs dehorning.                     
                                                            
41935 MEN - STUDS - READY            Armand E Singer       878



I met Joe last night on the street                          
And the bastard looked horribly beat.                       
Said the wench happy rogue,                                 
"Sex is always in vogue,                                    
And I never retreat from hot meat..."                       
                                                            
41936 MEN - STUDS - READY            Grand Prix Lim  124      



Behind the barn, Willy fucked Binnie,                       
Though she's bowlegged, crosseyed, and skinny.              
He's been heard to declare:                                 
"Out this way, cunts are rare,                              
And with a hardon, you'll fuck any."                        
                                                            
41937 MEN - STUDS - READY                                G2677



At ten forty-three in Arvider                               
The fast-working lecher first spyed her.                    
Then at ten forty-four                                      
He'd his hand at the door,                                  
And at ten forty-five was inside her.                       
                                                            
41938 MEN - STUDS - READY            Hugh Oliver           38a



This year all you girls are in luck,                        
I'm not charging you for a fuck!                            
But there's better news:                                    
For all of my screws,                                       
I'm willing to pay a whole buck!                            
                                                            
41939 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



One dollar gets you just a glance                           
Into my green eyes, not my pants.                           
Not even so much                                            
As one single touch,                                        
And that dollar I want in advance.                          
                                                            
41940 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



On matters of sex, young Darius                             
Took women without any bias                                 
Toward language or race                                     
Or fairness of face,                                        
But rejected the unctously pious.                           
                                                            
41941 MEN - STUDS - READY            Isaac Asimov             



On matters of sex, good old Darius                          
Had tastes both eclectic and various.                       
All sexes and races,                                        
All figures and faces,                                      
Suited him -- so he found life hilarious.                   
                                                            
41942 MEN - STUDS - READY            Isaac Asimov             



A young senorita from Padua,                                
Told her boyfriend, "Oh, what a cadua.                      
My mum gave me warning,                                     
But it took me till morning                                 
To find out for myself just how badua."                     
                                                            
41943 MEN - STUDS - READY            Arthur Pattaffy          



A Paul Bunyan from wild Matapedia                           
Shoots it into his girl, like a metia.  (meteor)            
"I'm just making the most,"                                 
He will blatantly boast,                                    
"Of my principle salient featia!"       (feature)           
                                                            
41944 MEN - STUDS - READY            Keith MacMillan       36a



There was a young fellow named Eddy,                        
Who said to his girl, "I am ready.                          
As you see I am just                                        
At the point of the thrust,                                 
So for God's sake, my darling, hold steady."                
                                                            
41945 MEN - STUDS - READY            Isaac Asimov             



Oh, it's who, and what, where, when, and why --             
For whom would you unzip your fly?                          
That is to say who                                          
Are you willing to screw?                                   
I hope it's your girlfriend, not I.                         
                                                            
41946 MEN - STUDS - READY            Neal Wilgus         P8511



Fred wanted her -- body and soul --                         
Right down to the cute little mole;                         
While she wanted Fred                                       
Like a hole in the head...                                  
Fred wanted the head in the hole.                           
                                                            
41947 MEN - STUDS - READY            SFA                      



Dismounting a maid in Astoria,                              
The youth lay in blissful euphoria.                         
As she climbed out of bed,                                  
He restrained her and said,                                 
"You come back here. I want a lot moria."                   
                                                            
41948 MEN - STUDS - READY            Hugh Oliver         A099B



Laughed consummate lecher, Bill Biddle,                     
"With girlfriends a man can't help diddle;                  
One thinks of the wonder                                    
Of what lies down under                                     
The plumage that graces their middle."                      
                                                            
41949 MEN - STUDS - READY            Armand E Singer       681



A Wizard is loyal, undue,                                   
And fair, kind, and thoroughly true.                        
We're long in the dong                                      
And last all night long,                                    
And always have time for a screw.                           
                                                            
41950 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



You're badly serviced by a Wizard?                          
It's not the first time I have, this, heard.                
Our lofty, grand Thought                                    
Can't lightly be caught                                     
By a lowly member of the 'miss' herd.                       
                                                            
41951 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



Wizards, my dear, aren't scorish,                           
So if you wish a Wizard to florish,                         
He'll mightily grow                                         
And go, go, and go,                                         
If he you will gently nourish.                              
                                                            
41952 MEN - STUDS - READY                                     



Takes a man who can know his condition,                     
Who stands firm without showing contrition,                 
But we are aquainted,                                       
And you "ain't" so tainted,                                 
As you describe yourself in your admission.                 
                                                            
41953 MEN - STUPID                                            



An arrogant fellow of Guelph                                
Would brag of his conquests and pelf.                       
He left no job undone --                                    
He'd complete every one,                                    
And he made a big ass of himself.                           
                                                            
41954 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2607



"Girls should be seen and not heard",                       
That was my famous last word;                               
She upped and she left                                      
With these words, so deft:                                  
"Boys are obscene - you're a turd."                         
                                                            
41955 MEN - STUPID                                            



Self-help books were loved by Tom Cage;                     
His income was minimum wage.                                
When he ran out of fuel,                                    
He wasn't a fool,                                           
He made a fire and burned every page!                       
                                                            
41956 MEN - STUPID                   Waukesha Don        T9801



I know a young man from Texas,                              
Who can't tell the difference in sexes.                     
Even his own                                                
Is completely unknown,                                      
No matter how much he inspects his.                         
                                                            
41957 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



'Round a campfire the skin-head boys sat;                   
Shouting "Sieg Heil" they pissed and they shat;             
Better mark these here words:                               
That the scruffy rat turds                                  
Wanna pull off a "coop-duh-ee-tat!"                         
                                                            
41958 MEN - STUPID                                            



Said a worldly old broad of Oahu                            
To her daughter, "I hated your pa, who                      
Tried to bolster his id,                                    
With the things that he did                                 
As a horny, detestable yahoo!"                              
                                                            
41959 MEN - STUPID                   Keith MacMillan     A040D



Of all creatures that walk, swim, or fly,                   
I'll take cats, though I can't tell you why.                
I'd not alter my course                                     
For a dog or a horse,                                       
Yet for one little pussy, I'd die!                          
                                                            
41960 MEN - STUPID                   John Miller 0031         



So you'd rather things didn't get heady,                    
But you'd like him to be around steady.                     
Well I'd have to say                                        
The most logical way                                        
Is to tell him that dinner is ready.                        
                                                            
41961 MEN - STUPID                                            



There was a young man I'll call Dave,                       
Who never had time for a shave.                             
With the girls he's lost hope,                              
'Cause he didn't like soap,                                 
And more time in his bed he did crave.                      
                                                            
41962 MEN - STUPID                   Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old yokel called Zeke,                         
Hadn't washed or changed clothes for a week.                
As he passed the pig sty,                                   
The pigs started to cry;                                    
They thought that he was the freak.                         
                                                            
41963 MEN - STUPID                   Arthur Pattaffy          



A clever school pupil named Freud,                          
During lessons could be quite annoyed.                      
He was expected to know,                                    
Like an expert on show,                                     
That his mind was like a humanoid!                          
                                                            
41964 MEN - STUPID                   Arthur Pattaffy          



A fellow who lived in New Guinea,                           
Was known as a silly young ninny.                           
He utterly lacked                                           
Good judgement and tact,                                    
For he told a plump girl she was skinny.                    
                                                            
41965 MEN - STUPID                   Linda Marsh Coll         



The complusive old Malcolm McKay                            
Is remembered quite well to this day.                       
He kept all his files                                       
In neat well-structured piles,                              
And his life in complete disarray.                          
                                                            
41966 MEN - STUPID                   Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



I've pondered the wisdom of sages,                          
Sagaciousness down through the ages,                        
And I now conclude                                          
That water and food                                         
And boffing are women's best wages.                         
                                                            
41967 MEN - STUPID                                            



The best place is down by the shore,                        
Where the shoeless are found by the score.                  
When I see all those toes,                                  
My phallus just grows,                                      
And those ankles are so very hardcore.                      
                                                            
41968 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Of course we fought for a prize,                            
Mostly chicks with big beautiful eyes.                      
Be they fair-haired or red,                                 
Our aim was the bed,                                        
And boobs of considerable size.                             
                                                            
41969 MEN - STUPID                                            



"Success is a journey"'s my mot';                           
I'm proud of what I've got.                                 
I am glad I'm not you                                       
With your weak assed poo-poo;                               
Your views mean to me, diddly-squat!                        
                                                            
41970 MEN - STUPID                                            



Some men are so full of conceit                             
That they cannot accept a defeat.                           
To get out of a mess                                        
They must needs acquiesce                                   
And indulge in a glorious retreat.                          
                                                            
41971 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2513



I once knew a rotten old miser,                             
Who hired me as his advisor.                                
For money in my bank                                        
I have him to thank;                                        
He simply was never the wiser.                              
                                                            
41972 MEN - STUPID                   Marlene                  



So this guy didn't make a big splash                        
In maligning your big hairy gash.                           
He had no right to slam                                     
On your poor bearded clam.                                  
Like I always say "Fuck him!  He's trash!"                  
                                                            
41973 MEN - STUPID                                            



A simple young lad was bereft                               
Of knowledge that makes a man deft.                         
Said his girl, "Let me know                                 
When you're ready to go."                                   
He said, "Now," and he got up and left.                     
                                                            
41974 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0041



Within a cellular space,                                    
His ass is in place of his face.                            
That bassackwards sport                                     
Is forced to comport                                        
With his head in a very dark place.                         
                                                            
41975 MEN - STUPID                   Peg Kay                  



A poor goon from North Cambridge named Trapp                
Has an FM show, "Morning Pro Yap."                          
Not for him Dowland pure,                                   
No Dufay, that's for sure --                                
He, instead, programs hours of crap.                        
                                                            
41976 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



An ill-conceived Dutchman from Weerd,                       
Turned out as his mother had feared.                        
His hair had the greasies,                                  
His pants stank of feces,                                   
And vermin swarmed thick in his beard.                      
                                                            
41977 MEN - STUPID                   Armand E Singer       345



His legacy hung like a towel:                               
Waterlogged, filthy, and foul.                              
His infamy spread                                           
Like butter on bread,                                       
Till disrepute dripped from his jowl.                       
                                                            
41978 MEN - STUPID                   Heather McCabe           



Women fold maps into piles,                                 
And for me, that really riles.                              
But in truth, only                                          
A man can see                                               
An inch as one hundred miles.                               
                                                            
41979 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



He spoke in a fashion frenetic                              
And made his grand plans sound poetic.                      
Promises did abound                                         
Although none left the ground,                              
Since he was inert, not kinetic.                            
                                                            
41980 MEN - STUPID                   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



There was a young pilot named Jack;                         
His head did encounter some flak.                           
But the matter got worse,                                   
He was rendered perverse,                                   
And could not tell the front from the back.                 
                                                            
41981 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin            



You have heard of little green men?                         
All women have seen 'em -- know when?                       
When some other guys                                        
Stare at your bare thighs --                                
It just means he's jealous again!                           
                                                            
41982 MEN - STUPID                                            



Jim Smith must think he's a hero,                           
An artist, just like Rome's Nero.                           
Of this newsgroup's vast host,                              
Those who want Jim to post                                  
Add up to exactly zero.                                     
                                                            
41983 MEN - STUPID                   Ward Hardman             



Jim Smith is a pitiful moron;                               
A bum you would slam your front door on.                    
With all his slimy sleaze,                                  
You can be sure that he's                                   
A creep that I love to wage war on!                         
                                                            
41984 MEN - STUPID                   Ward Hardman             



Jim Smith is a defective retard,                            
And from UseNet should surely be barred.                    
He moans, "I'm low in repute                                
And I've lost the dispute.                                  
My image as troll all will see marred."                     
                                                            
41985 MEN - STUPID                   Ward Hardman             



Jim Smith is a defective retard;                            
His organ will never get hard.                              
When he wants some good smut,                               
He must play "up the butt,"                                 
And afterwards moans "Oh thank you, pard."                  
                                                            
41986 MEN - STUPID                   Ward Hardman             



Jim Smith is a defective retard;                            
In gay bondage films he'll soon be starred.                 
"Ward gave me a beating,                                    
But it was too fleeting.                                    
I need pain beyond poems from the "Bard."                   
                                                            
41987 MEN - STUPID                   Ward Hardman             



If you're one of that group, the henpecked,                 
The best thing to do -- join a sect!                        
You'll get away from the house;                             
Be a man, not a mouse;                                      
It will help you get back self-respect.                     
                                                            
41988 MEN - STUPID                   Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a guy named Joe,                             
Who didn't know when to say "No."                           
He has stupid excuses                                       
For his repeated abuses.                                    
But no more, Pal, just GO!                                  
                                                            
41989 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



I have placed, men into three groups:                       
There's fodder, the dupes, turdish poops.                   
These guys are half-wits,                                   
Still suckling moms' tits,                                  
Gene tree branches knotted in loops.                        
                                                            
41990 MEN - STUPID                                            



He started in work as a chauffeur;                          
He retired and became the firm's gofer.                     
He wasn't dependable;                                       
He became expendable;                                       
He was far more at home on the sofa.                        
                                                            
41991 MEN - STUPID                   Arthur Pattaffy          



A fellow named Jezebel Beers                                
Was never discreet with his leers;                          
He ogled each dame                                          
With an absence of shame,                                   
As he uttered his lecherous sneers.                         
                                                            
41992 MEN - STUPID                   Cap'n Bean          P0111



That time of year seems to have come;                       
I need to start studying some.                              
Yes, finals are here!                                       
Forget it!  Pass me a beer!                                 
I think I'll like life as a bum.                            
                                                            
41993 MEN - STUPID                                            



I believed the scoutmaster, Fred Rhee,                      
When he taught all the scouts, also me.                     
But then I was tossed                                       
In a forest and lost;                                       
I found moss on ALL sides of the tree.                      
                                                            
41994 MEN - STUPID                   L C Fitz            P0209



An obsessive old man of Toledo                              
Is sustained by the tenuous credo                           
That the functional aim                                     
Of a beautiful dame                                         
Is to bolster his fading libido.                            
                                                            
41995 MEN - STUPID                   Keith MacMillan     A094B



There once was a teacher named Lex,                         
With muscles he'd constantly flex.                          
But his arms would droop,                                   
And then he'd stoop.                                        
No wonder he never had sex.                                 
                                                            
41996 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow named Edam;                         
His family was his special freedom.                         
He raised full twenty-eight                                 
And he thought it was great,                                
But he did not have money to feed 'em.                      
                                                            
41997 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin            



My uncle has riches galore;                                 
In fact, he just can't want for more;                       
But he's boring as shit.                                    
He lacks warmth, wile and wit.                              
He needs much more than money to score.                     
                                                            
41998 MEN - STUPID                   Mark Levy           P0204



Well, greetings to you, doctor Tommie,                      
It sounds like you need an old swami                        
To give you the knowledge,                                  
You spurned while in college,                               
Or just never got from your mommy.                          
                                                            
41999 MEN - STUPID                                            



There was a young man from Dieppe;                          
In the army he was never in step.                           
He had never been bright;                                   
Knew not left from his right,                               
One foot, then the other, he'd schleppe!                    
                                                            
42000 MEN - STUPID                   Arthur Pattaffy          



It seems that young Willy's a bore                          
And unsure right down to his core.                          
Indecisive he'd been                                        
But now he came clean                                       
He admitted he just wasn't sure                             
                                                            
42001 MEN - STUPID                                            



A guy by the name of Big Tex,                               
Was obsessed by females in specs.                           
Didn't notice their asses;                                  
Was obsessed by their glasses,                              
Which is why his wife's now his Ex.                         
                                                            
42002 MEN - STUPID                   Michelle                 



The doctor looked kind and then said,                       
"There's nothing at all wrong with Ned.                     
He just does not study;                                     
His grades are quite cruddy,                                
His pants are just loaded with lead."                       
                                                            
42003 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Purdue                             
Who bragged of the women he slew.                           
But a nymph from DeWitt                                     
Forced this man to admit,                                   
"One more victory like this and I'm through."               
                                                            
42004 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0302



A young engineer named Ambrose                              
Had problems he could not dispose.                          
He could never decide                                       
How the job should be tried,                                
So he stood there, just picking his nose.                   
                                                            
42005 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin            



An artless young fellow named Rose                          
Was given some work to dispose,                             
For he lacked any vision                                    
For a simple decision,                                      
So he stood there just picking his nose.                    
                                                            
42006 MEN - STUPID                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2774



There is a young Artist named Jones                         
Whose conduct no genius atones:                             
His conduct in life                                         
Is a pang to his wife,                                      
And a plague to the neighbours of Jones.                    
                                                            
42007 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Joe Donald, while chewing his cud,                          
At the same time was pulling his pud.                       
Joe, slightly confused,                                     
Has a cud now contused,                                     
And a pud sporting toothmarks and blood.                    
                                                            
42008 MEN - STUPID                                            



A conceited young boy called Rob                            
Was commonly known as a snob.                               
When asked to make tea,                                     
He'd say, "No, not me,                                      
That certainly isn't my job."                               
                                                            
42009 MEN - STUPID                                            



There once was a fellow named Bob                           
Who was a world champion slob;                              
A six-pack of beer                                          
He would ram in his ear                                     
And commend himself for a good job.                         
                                                            
42010 MEN - STUPID                                            



There was a young man from South Wales,                     
Who wanted to save all the whales,                          
And on the farm,                                            
Save the turkeys from harm.                                 
And, concerned, he soon flooded the mails.                  
                                                            
42011 MEN - STUPID                   Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0402



You espy the old dream and you chase it;                    
If you have any doubt you erase it.                         
Then it sours and withers;                                  
He's reduced you to blithers;                               
You're attracted to assholes, let's face it.                
                                                            
42012 MEN - STUPID                                            



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw                             
Once lectured our class about tort law;                     
They stood bloviating,                                      
Same time, masturbating;                                    
They didn't know shit from Shinola!                         
                                                            
42013 MEN - STUPID                                            



When alone, you're your own guardian shepherd.              
Human thugs are more common than leopards.                  
So be cautious, alert,                                      
With spray ready to squirt,                                 
Because those who assault should be peppered.               
                                                            
42014 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Have you met Melba from Melbourne?                          
She makes songwriter's hearts yearn.                        
He cannot show it;                                          
She does not know it;                                       
The songwriter's to oft taciturn.                           
                                                            
42015 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



My wife's learned to tolerate me.                           
She "Tsk tsk's" very frequently,                            
But knows men are "Boys"                                    
And among their toys                                        
Is talking like they're spirits free.                       
                                                            
42016 MEN - STUPID                   Chris Papa               



A 'Good Old Boy' from Tennessee,                            
Is now in my office with me.                                
All night he does pitter,                                   
About his new litter,                                       
Of coon dogs that bark up a tree.                           
                                                            
42017 MEN - STUPID                                            



There was a young fellow of Graney,                         
Incredibly clever and brainy.                               
When he put up his gamp,     (large umbrella)               
If he found it was damp,                                    
He could tell that the weather was rainy.                   
                                                            
42018 MEN - STUPID                   Langford Reed     (Bibby)



One Edmonton man that I knew                                
Was a pet, but he hadn't a clue!                            
Apprehensive in bed,                                        
He was frequently said                                      
To persuade the young maid to unscrew.                      
                                                            
42019 MEN - STUPID                   Keith MacMillan       92c



I splooge in the street and on walls,                       
While naked, out walking, in malls.                         
I shouldn't so taunt 'em --                                 
The visions must haunt 'em --                               
They'd queue just to smell of my balls.                     
                                                            
42020 MEN - STUPID                                            



I wish I had perfect good health;                           
I wish I had infinite wealth.                               
I finally wish                                              
For a lover delish --                                       
Or thousands to keep for myself.                            
                                                            
42021 MEN - STUPID                   Peter                    



You buy a book; send him to school                          
And ask him to follow the rule.                             
At all this, he'll scoff;                                   
His thinking's just off.                                    
Too late, he has turned out a fool.                         
                                                            
42022 MEN - STUPID                                            



I told him if he'd take a hike,                             
I'd lend him my two-wheeled bike.                           
He can go roun'                                             
To your side of town;                                       
His propensities you'd probably like.                       
                                                            
42023 MEN - STUPID                   Jim Weaver Collection    



It was first time for sex for dumb Fink,                    
Who was instructed how to use his dink.                     
"Take your toy which you fiddle,                            
And put where she piddles."                                 
So his bowling ball went in the sink.                       
                                                            
42024 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY                                 



A young Irish farmer named Willy,                           
Whose behaviour was frequently silly,                       
At a big farmers' ball,                                     
Dressed in nothing at all --                                
He claimed he came there as a filly.                        
                                                            
42025 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Linda Marsh Coll         



A gardener named Kenneth McDeare,                           
Likes plants more than women, we fear.                      
"He's hardly perennial,"                                    
Say folks who know Kenny well,                              
"He only comes up once a year."                             
                                                            
42026 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Laura L Baxter           



There was a young fellow named Klaupt;                      
His head with a hammer he bopped.                           
when his friends asked him why,                             
It was hard to deny                                         
That it felt very good when he stopped.                     
                                                            
42027 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Albin Chaplin   3024-2644



One time I believed I could fly;                            
"C'mon" my friend said, "You could die!"                    
I took a big breath,                                        
Said, "I don't fear death!"                                 
Then jumped, and hit dirt...missed the sky!                 
                                                            
42028 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Star               TP9806



Those real men don't ask for directions.                    
They get lost at most intersections.                        
They never backtrack,                                       
For fear it might smack                                     
Of unwanted male imperfections.                             
                                                            
42029 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Marlene                  



A husband who's an inept mechanic,                          
Can cause many reasons for panic --                         
You better nix it,                                          
When he says "I'll fix it",                                 
Or you'll have an automotive Titanic!                       
                                                            
42030 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY                                 



A lassie from this side of Rathmore,                        
Was wed to one hell of a bore --                            
A dopey old farmer,                                         
Too lazy to warm her,                                       
All he did every night was just snore.                      
                                                            
42031 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Linda Marsh Coll         



Why do men of the Ku Klux Klan                              
Cover as much skin as they can?                             
And even at night,                                          
The fools wear the white,                                   
For they fear they may get a sun tan.                       
                                                            
42032 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Phil T                   



There was a young fellow named Mapes                        
Who ate just bananas and grapes.                            
He would swing through the trees                            
Like a flying trapeze,                                      
And he lived in a cage with the apes.                       
                                                            
42033 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Albin Chaplin   3024-2686



You probably never have heard                               
Of this rather eccentric old bird                           
Who lived in a hole                                         
In the ground, the poor sole,                               
To get used to being interred.                              
                                                            
42034 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young man of Rangoon,                           
Who locked himself up in his room.                          
When the police with a shout                                
Said, "When will you come out?"                             
"Not today, not tomorrow, but soon."                        
                                                            
42035 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Michael Palin            



We buddies had always a ball                                
When starting a nice free-for-all                           
In honky tonk bars.                                         
Though we got many scars,                                   
We loved seeing hunks piled up the wall.                    
                                                            
42036 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY                                 



The building of archetect Gore                              
Was built with a ceiling and floor,                         
Surrounded by wall                                          
With no windows at all.                                     
What it needed, of course, was a door.                      
                                                            
42037 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Albin Chaplin   3024-2598



An arsonist called Eric Ford                                
Wanted things he couldn't afford.                           
So later that night                                         
Set his factory alight,                                     
Then remembered.. .it wasn't insured!                       
                                                            
42038 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Spike Milligan      P0112



The gals were ignorin' ol' Loren;                           
For him, scorn was totally foreign.                         
So he paid all he made                                      
To get laid, I'm afraid --                                  
Now Loren's a poor 'un from whorin'.                        
                                                            
42039 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Jerry Nordal             



There once was a husky weight lifter,                       
As for brains, a rock was much swifter.                     
When a girl he called Clover                                
Turned around and bent over,                                
He crept up behind and he sniffed her.                      
                                                            
42040 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Bob Birch           P9804



It's useless, forgiving young Billy;                        
Most all of his actions are silly.                          
He pees in the street,                                      
Disrupts dogs in heat,                                      
And takes off his pants when it's chilly.                   
                                                            
42041 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Armand E Singer       999



A strange looking fellow named Ted,                         
Always slept upside down on his head.                       
When asked why it was,                                      
He said, "It's because                                      
It saves me from making my bed."                            
                                                            
42042 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Jim Campey               



There was a young man from Ealing,                          
Who decided to walk on the ceiling.                         
He stood in the hall,                                       
And walked up the wall;                                     
Ended up on his back, face-down, kneeling.                  
                                                            
42043 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Michael Palin            



Some ice cubes I dropped, and I feared                      
They'd be spoiled by dirt which adhered.                    
So I did what I oughta,                                     
Washed them off in hot water,                               
And wondered where they'd disappeared.                      
                                                            
42044 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young man named McLouth                         
Who learned fine traditions down South.                     
When some numbskull saw fit                                 
On some soap to write shit,                                 
Young McLouth washed the soap with his mouth.               
                                                            
42045 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY        Albin Chaplin   3024-2188



I'm wrapped up in Charlie's nightshirt.                     
I am looking sexy and pert.                                 
It's been a long day;                                       
I'm ready to play.                                          
Dumb Charlie says, "What's for dessert?"                    
                                                            
42046 MEN - STUPID - ACTIVITY                                 



I've mentioned that Chuck has no brain                      
(Well it saves him from suffering pain);                    
But the doctor who cares                                    
For him really despairs                                     
Of him visiting time and again.                             
                                                            
42047 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Said Chuck, as he lifted his shirt,                         
"I've these spots on my chest; they don't hurt              
But I'm worried they may."                                  
And his doctor went gray                                    
And said "Nipples! They're nipples, you squirt."            
                                                            
42048 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"But doctor", said Chuck, "Will you peek                    
At this extra spare limb; it's a freak.                     
Will you look down my pants?"                               
And his doc took one glance                                 
And said. "Jeeze! That's your pecker, you geek."            
                                                            
42049 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"And doctor? I'm hoping that you'll                         
Reassure me." (He lifted his tool.)                         
"I've these lumps underneath."                              
And the doc gnashed his teeth                               
And said, "Bollocks! They're bollocks, you fool."           
                                                            
42050 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"But doctor ..."  "Shut up and get out!"                    
"Yes, but doctor ...", said Chuck with a pout.              
"No; I don't want to know.                                  
Can't you bloody well go!?"                                 
"Well OK; but there's no need to shout."                    
                                                            
42051 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"And doctor? I have this ..."  "No more!"                   
"...And it hurts me..."  "Oh good! Hope it's sore."         
"...And whenever I boff..."                                 
"Well I hope it drops off."                                 
"Thank you, doctor", said Chuck. "Where's the door?"        
                                                            
42052 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



The doctor in utter despair                                 
Was now sobbing and tearing his hair;                       
So they took him away                                       
For a rest (so they say)                                    
To a lonely asylum in Ayr.                                  
                                                            
42053 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Now Chuck isn't terribly bright                             
(As you've gathered) but only last night                    
He sat up in his bed                                        
With a thumping great head                                  
Ache.  "Eureka!" he said with delight.                      
                                                            
42054 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Well no, not "Eureka", that's Greek;                        
It was more like a gurgle or squeak.                        
"What a novel idea",                                        
He thought, "Best one all year."                            
And the first one since Saturday week.                      
                                                            
42055 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"I must", he thought, "Write this one down",                
As he struggled to put on his gown.                         
"Where's my writing utensil?"                               
(Of course he meant pencil.)                                
And paper?", he said with a frown.                          
                                                            
42056 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



He stumbled around in the night                             
(As one does if one can't find the light).                  
His neural synapse                                          
On the point of collapse,                                   
Flickered briefly then gave up the fight.                   
                                                            
42057 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"Oh bugger!" thought Chuck as he crept                      
Back to bed quite exhausted and wept                        
With frustration; his brain                                 
Now quite empty again,                                      
And devoid of all thought as he slept.                      
                                                            
42058 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Now he's in a terrible fix;                                 
It's a fruit-cake he's trying to mix.                       
He's got flour; he's got butter,                            
But Chuck is a nutter;                                      
He's looking for cinnamon sticks.                           
                                                            
42059 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"But why?" you may naturally ask.                           
I dunno; but his face is a mask                             
Of what passes for real                                     
Concentration.  Conceal                                     
Yourself; watch him performing his task.                    
                                                            
42060 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Well there goes a half pound of flour;                      
He's been sifting the stuff for an hour.                    
Now he's singing a tune                                     
As he picks up a spoon                                      
And starts beating with all of his power.                   
                                                            
42061 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



I know what you're thinking, but utter                      
It quietly now in a mutter;                                 
Don't frighten the lad                                      
(Though it's terribly sad)                                  
For of course he's forgotten the butter.                    
                                                            
42062 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



But watch him; he's mixing it round,                        
Although most of the flour's on the ground.                 
Now he's pouring in water,                                  
I know he'd not oughta,                                     
But fruit is ten dollars a pound.                           
                                                            
42063 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



And he doesn't earn any money.                              
Don't snigger it isn't that funny.                          
Oh, look at him taste                                       
It; it's wallpaper paste;                                   
It's not cake-mix at all. It's too runny.                   
                                                            
42064 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"Ker-shlurp!"  What a lip-smacking suck.                    
Oh my God!  Now his lips have got stuck                     
To the bowl of the spoon.                                   
Yes, I know he's a loon                                     
But I'm really quite fond of young Chuck.                   
                                                            
42065 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Though Chuck is a tiny bit dim,                             
He's quite healthy in body and limb,                        
But he's running to fat.                                    
"I must see about that",                                    
He said, "Think I'll go to the gym."                        
                                                            
42066 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Receptionist, dopey Louise                                  
(With a bandage or two round her knees)                     
Said to Chuck, "Let me see;                                 
It's a five dollar fee",                                    
And "Atishoo!" she started to sneeze.                       
                                                            
42067 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"She's healthy", thought Chuck with a grin                  
As he walked through the door labelled IN,                  
And inside took a peek                                      
At the bodies so sleek,                                     
And the ladies remarkably thin.                             
                                                            
42068 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



He went through the changing room door;                     
Dropped his jeans and his shirt to the floor;               
Took his shoes and his socks off,                           
And lastly his jocks off,                                   
And hung them on peg number 4.                              
                                                            
42069 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"Oh bugger!" he thought, "Holy shit!                        
In reception I've left all my kit."                         
And forgetting his state                                    
Of undress he went straight                                 
Back the way he came in. (Silly twit.)                      
                                                            
42070 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Of course he got lost.  He went sneaking                    
Quite naked through corridors peeking                       
Round doors for a sight                                     
Of reception and fright-                                    
ened the ladies, who ran away shrieking.                    
                                                            
42071 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



A cop with a bullet-proof vest                              
Shouted, "Pervert!  You're under arrest                     
For the mayhem you've caused."                              
Then he looked at him; paused;                              
And said, "Chuck! You're a damn awful pest."                
                                                            
42072 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"But surely young Chuck's unemployable."                    
"Yes; but he's thick and annoyable;                         
Quite a good laugh                                          
For the rest of your staff,                                 
Who would probably find him enjoyable."                     
                                                            
42073 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"I'm sure you could give him a go;                          
But be warned, he's a little bit slow."                     
"Can he write?"  "If you label                              
The pen PEN he's able                                       
To sign with an X and an O."                                
                                                            
42074 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"OK then, so wheel him right in."                           
"Hello Chuck."  Chuck replied with a grin,                  
"Hello boss."  "How'd you know?"                            
With his face all aglow                                     
Chuck said, "Look it says BOSS on your chin."               
                                                            
42075 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"That's smart.  Here's a pen."  "Yes I know;                
It says PEN."  "Can you write me an O?"                     
Now this seemed to perplex                                  
Him but Chuck drew an X                                     
And he beat him at tic tack and toe.                        
                                                            
42076 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



"My god; you're a genius boy!"                              
Said the boss, "So I think I'll employ                      
You. Those bulls in that box-                               
Car there ... label them OX."                               
And young Chuck said "Why, yessir!" with joy.               
                                                            
42077 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Now Chuck is a tiny bit quaint                              
But a moron he certainly ain't.                             
When he noticed the ceiling                                 
And walls were all peeling,                                 
While lying in bed he thought, "Paint."                     
                                                            
42078 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



He went to the DIY store                                    
(It had 50-odd aisles maybe more)                           
And he said to himself                                      
As he passed every shelf,                                   
"Have I been down this aisle once before."                  
                                                            
42079 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



He trudged with a vacuous smile                             
Back and forward for many a mile,                           
'Til he noticed a P                                         
And an A  I  N  T                                           
Overhead in the very first aisle.                           
                                                            
42080 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Stacked high from the floor to the ceiling                  
The paint-can he found most appealing,                      
A brilliant white                                           
He removed and (you're right)                               
Sent the whole bloody stack of them reeling.                
                                                            
42081 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



They all came a-tumbling down                               
To the floor in a mixture of brown,                         
Yellow, purple and red;                                     
Knocking Chuck on the head,                                 
Which he rubbed with a quizzical frown.                     
                                                            
42082 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Then staggering blindly about                               
Chuck went seeking the door labelled OUT.                   
But he saw only three                                       
Labelled E  X  I  T                                         
(He'll be there overnight without doubt.)                   
                                                            
42083 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Now Chuck has the brains of a frog                          
But I read him that lim from our Ogg;                       
And he's off to Calais                                      
For a night and a day,                                      
Though the weatherman's forecasting fog.                    
                                                            
42084 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



He hopes that he doesn't get stuck                          
In mid-Channel, but knowing his luck,                       
He will probably freeze                                     
In the roughest of seas,                                    
And miss out on that ooh-la-la fuck.                        
                                                            
42085 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



But no! He's just given a call                              
From a phone and he's having a ball.                        
He's been queuing an hour                                   
In a thundery shower                                        
Near the Hotel du Lac in the mall.                          
                                                            
42086 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



That cutie dressed only in black                            
Has been promising more than a jack.                        
She will take him to bed                                    
Before long (so he said),                                   
And she'll label it "ICI LA CRAQUE".                        
                                                            
42087 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



So wish the poor bugger good luck.                          
He deserves it; he's plenty of pluck.                       
(Ding-a-ling) Just a sec ...                                
("Oui, oui. Merci.) By heck                                 
It's that lightning; it's gone and struck Chuck.            
                                                            
42088 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Tiddy                    



Now written especially for Chuck,                           
On her nipples young Anna has SUCK.                         
For young Chuck is as thick                                 
As two planks or a brick;                                   
Yes, you've guessed it; her pussy reads FUCK.               
                                                            
42089 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



It's not that she minds if his prong                        
Or his tongue on occasions go wrong,                        
But she's full of despair                                   
'Cause he's SO unaware,                                     
That she's now had to label his DONG.                       
                                                            
42090 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



Poor Chuck had a dinner-time scare;                         
"My intestines!  All over the chair!                        
I looked and I laughed                                      
And said, "Don't be daft;                                   
You just dropped your spaghetti down there.                 
                                                            
42091 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



Poor Chuck had a headache today,                            
But cured it with little delay;                             
By banging his balls                                        
On the lavatory walls,                                      
He soon found it faded away.                                
                                                            
42092 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



Poor Chuck had a terrible fright                            
As he got out of bed at first light.                        
"It was ghastly", he said,                                  
"For I crawled out of bed                                   
And my eyes met a horrible sight!"                          
                                                            
42093 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



He calmed himself down in a while                           
As I tried very hard not to smile;                          
Then I asked him, "So tell                                  
Me."  He said, "Very well,                                  
But, heavens above, it was vile."                           
                                                            
42094 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



"So ugly I started to quake;                                
In a nightgown it looked like a sheikh,                     
With a towel on its head.                                   
It had eyes colored red,                                    
And its limbs were a thin as a rake.                        
                                                            
42095 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



"It started to mutter amd moan,                             
Then it let out a gut-wrenching groan.                      
It frightened me so,                                        
That I can't bear to go                                     
Back to bed, on my own all alone.                           
                                                            
42096 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



"Well Chuck," I replied with a grin,                        
"You've been overindulging in gin;                          
And that wasn't a ghoul                                     
But a mirror, you fool,                                     
And your ghastly reflection within."                        
                                                            
42097 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



Dear Chuck has been knitting a scarf                        
On and off for a year and a half.                           
He's simple of mind,                                        
So I won't be unkind                                        
And say "Shit -- that would fit a giraffe."                 
                                                            
42098 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



Dear Chuck (you remember him, yes?)                         
Had decided to smarten his dress.                           
"I'm determined," he said,                                  
"To look smarter; instead                                   
Of just looking a terrible mess."                           
                                                            
42099 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



"Good heavens!" I said, "Is that wise?"                     
"Yes of course," he replied, "Other guys                    
Who look smarter than I                                     
Get the girlies, that's why.                                
And I guess I can learn to knot ties."                      
                                                            
42100 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



Knot ties?  The mind boggles, I fear;                       
For it took him well over a year                            
And a half to tie shoe                                      
Laces; aged twenty-two;                                     
But I curbed the temptation to jeer.                        
                                                            
42101 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



"Okay then, dear Chuck, off you go;                         
There's a Saville Row tailor I know                         
Who makes whistles and flutes                               
Made to measure and boots,                                  
Shirts and ties in mere seconds or so."                     
                                                            
42102 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



A half an hour later, distressed,                           
Chuck returned in his jeans and his vest.                   
"Didn't you like the design?"                               
I said.  "Yes, it was fine                                  
'Til he asked me," said Chuck, "how I dressed."             
                                                            
42103 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



"I really tried hard to explain,                            
But he stopped me and made it quite plain,                  
With his measuring tape                                     
Up my trousers, that rape                                   
Or some similar act was his aim."                           
                                                            
42104 MEN - STUPID - CHUCK           Peter Wilkins            



Sean had once gotten so high,                               
He thought that he would just die.                          
Instead he looked dumb                                      
As he played with my bum,                                   
And said "Damn your pussy is DRY!"                          
                                                            
42105 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL                                   



There was a young man from the West,                        
Who was seldom, if ever, impressed.                         
He would watch with a yawn                                  
The millenium dawn,                                         
And be bored by the bliss of the blest.                     
                                                            
42106 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Thomas Thorneley  (Bibby)



I know this chap name of Justin,                            
Whose head is so big it is busin'.                          
The ladies love him                                         
Although he is dim,                                         
And his brain could use a good dustin'.                     
                                                            
42107 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Pam                      



A man, thinking he has charizz,                             
Like a donkey who thinks he's a whiz;                       
If he don't get his way,                                    
He continues to bray                                        
Like the silly old ass that he is.                          
                                                            
42108 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Ray Gessler              



There was a young man from Ontario,                         
Whose knee-jerk reaction was zerio.                         
(With keyboard in reach,                                    
Not a son of the beach)                                     
He just could not grasp the scenario.                       
                                                            
42109 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl called Mirella,                      
Who spent her spare time chasing a fellah.                  
She had caught and lost two;                                
She needs more than a few.                                  
I don't care if he's no brain or speller.                   
                                                            
42110 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a half-wit named Grice,                      
Who thought that a psychic was nice,                        
'Cause she was inclined,                                    
In view of his mind,                                        
To give him a reading, half price.                          
                                                            
42111 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Observer                 



There is a half-wit named Dwight White,                     
Who forthrightly thinks he is quite bright.                 
And his half-brother, Britt,                                
Thinking himself a wit,                                     
Has discovered that he is half right.                       
                                                            
42112 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Observer                 



Poor old schizoid Jim Smith thinks he's God,                
But his brain waves are flat.  He's a sod.                  
IQ rank: mental elf.                                        
He disputes with himself,                                   
But he loses each time, which is odd.                       
                                                            
42113 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Ward Hardman             



He claims that he knows martial arts,                       
Though we think he really means farts.                      
That comes from his spelling                                
and his constant YELLING.                                   
Incredible, how much he lacks smarts.                       
                                                            
42114 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of York Plains,                       
Who'd never come in when it rains.                          
He seems to forget                                          
That rain makes you wet;                                    
He never was noted for brains.                              
                                                            
42115 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          John Blyth               



This man thing is making me chuckle!                        
I know 'bout that brain near the buckle!                    
It can rule the head                                        
Until one is dead!                                          
Sometimes it's in need of a knuckle!                        
                                                            
42116 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Anon                     



The office that's run with limpidity                        
Is due to the boss's timidity.                              
He remains thus secure                                      
And a threat does abjure                                    
By surrounding himself with stupidity.                      
                                                            
42117 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Albin Chaplin   3024-2671



It is said we men think with our sac,                       
But sometimes our minds migrate back.                       
It is such a short cry                                      
From nuts to null-eye,                                      
It is easy to think with our crack.                         
                                                            
42118 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          H                        



There was a young fool name of Raines;                      
To get laid, he'd go to great pains.                        
Never a genius,                                             
He thought with his penis,                                  
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.                    
                                                            
42119 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL                                   



A fuckwit, a moron, a berk                                  
With a stupid and asinine smirk,                            
Throwing tantrums, the fool,                                
Like he used to at school;                                  
What a childish and petulant jerk.                          
                                                            
42120 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL                                   



The bottle cap said 'twist to open';                        
The guy in the ad kept on hopin'.                           
If he wriggled about,                                       
The beer would come out,                                    
For his brain he is constantly gropin'.                     
                                                            
42121 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Marty                    



To her boudoir came agile young Ellis                       
Through the window by way of the trellis.                   
He found it a bore;                                         
Some went in at the door,                                   
And those who did that made him jealous.                    
                                                            
42122 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Isaac Asimov             



Said sexy young Trexie from Texas                           
"It's odd the way various men sexes...                      
While some guys don't do much,                              
And others do too much,                                     
It's the dopes who do none that perplexes.                  
                                                            
42123 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL          Grand Prix Lim  435      



A village just ten miles from here                          
Has been searching for nearly a year                        
For their favorite son                                      
With an IQ of 1,                                            
For they're missing their Saturday jeer.                    
                                                            
42124 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL                                   



Her future is now looking grim --                           
Her new boyfriend is so dim;                                
I told her, "I fear                                         
He's an idiot, my dear --                                   
Some village must be missing him!"                          
                                                            
42125 MEN - STUPID - MENTAL                                   



Two Arabs insulted each other;                              
"For one thing," said Abdul, "Your mother                   
Frequently mates                                            
With camels on dates.                                       
And she charges too much, for another."                     
                                                            
42126 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Michael Weinstein   P8407



So then Omar said, "Abdul, you cow,                         
About your mom-- I've heard told it how                     
She took pure camel shit,                                   
Made perfume of it,                                         
And it worked!  She smells much better now."                
                                                            
42127 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Michael Weinstein   P8407



Now Mecca, like Baghdad, has petro;                         
Their music is kind of, well, retro.                        
Their skies dusky hazy,                                     
Their camels are lazy,                                      
And ridden by bumpkins named Jethro.                        
                                                            
42128 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Matthew Montchalin       



In Iran and Iraq and in Yemen,                              
They say all the men there are he-men.                      
The camels are swell,                                       
But they really do smell                                    
'Cause they're full of Arabian semen.                       
                                                            
42129 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Tiddy Ogg                



Old Arafat said, with a grin,                               
"A nice meal should please kith and kin.                    
Since I must get thinner,                                   
I won't eat much dinner                                     
And then I'll become Arathin."                              
                                                            
42130 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          John Dohner         P8901



The Iranians fight the Iraqi                                
And to keep the war on its tracky,                          
Khomeni retorts                                             
To US Navy escorts,                                         
"The Great Satan must die, by cracky."                      
                                                            
42131 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Roy Shaw            P8711



Most people do nothing but pan                              
Khomini, a hard-hearted man.                                
When they asked, "Would you help                            
To get rid of this whelp?"                                  
I just couldn't take it, I ran!!                            
                                                            
42132 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          John A. Dohner      P8711



An exalted Imam is Khomeini,                                
Religious, devoted, and brainy;                             
So it seems rather odd                                      
That this prophet of God                                    
Doesn't know to come in when it's rainy.                    
(Is also a CIA trainee.)                                    
42133 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Ed Potts            P8711



Khomeni derides coke and hash,                              
Claims he doesn't need Westerners' trash';                  
'Cause HE gets a good high                                  
Watching infidels die,                                      
And a war's is HIS kind of bash!                            
                                                            
42134 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Ann Gasser          P8711



'Tis said, from Iran to Korea,                              
"Khomeini has got gonorrhea!"                               
The old Ayatollah                                           
Was eating granola                                          
And ended up with diarrhea!                                 
                                                            
42135 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          John Dohner         P8711



The old Ayatollah Khomeini                                  
Declared, "I will put on my beanie,                         
And I'll sit for a bit,                                     
Since my wit's turned to shit.                              
They tell me that I am a meanie!"                           
                                                            
42136 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          John Dohner         P8711



Iran's press has been slightly erroneous,                   
True, we're bigots and most sanctimonious,                  
But our most daring feats                                   
Are beneath the black sheets,                               
Where our zeal is most un-Parsi-moan-ius.                   
                                                            
42137 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Ann Gasser          P8711



Khomeni's traditional retort                                
To US Navy escort:                                          
"The Great Satan                                            
Is sure blatan'                                             
And soon must die," he exhorts.                             
                                                            
42138 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Roy Shaw            P8711



Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini                                 
Published rules for his followers zany:                     
Wipe your ass with a bone                                   
Or a fine polished stone,                                   
And fuck sheep, not with lions, if you're brainy.           
                                                            
42139 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Albin Chaplin 3024  P8711



Ayatollah did further instruct --                           
And this from his works we deduct --                        
You can fuck on demand                                      
Any beast in the land,                                      
But you can't eat the sheep that you fucked.                
                                                            
42140 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Albin Chaplin 3024  P8711



Although he's a senile old loon,                            
Khomeini may not die off soon.                              
His momma's alive                                           
At one hundred five,                                        
They both are alive but jejune.                             
                                                            
42141 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Larry J. Davis      P8711



Here's to our leader, Ayatollah,                            
Though he's ruthless, this thought may console ya:          
He may be infernal,                                         
But he isn't eternal,                                       
He'll be history like real Coca Cola.                       
                                                            
42142 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Ann Gasser          P8712



In Iran, a young man Bani-sadr                              
Would drink Ayatollah's foul water,                         
Then he'd turn facing Mecca                                 
And he'd pull out his pecca,                                
And he'd fuck with his mudr and fadr.                       
                                                            
42143 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Albin Chaplin   3024-2939



A mullah, who daily inveighed                               
Against sin while he chanted and prayed,                    
Would, when it seemed discreet,                             
Venture forth on the street,                                
Lightly perfumed and black negligeed.                       
                                                            
42144 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          John Sandler        P9106



Bomb martyrs think they have it made;                       
Virgins wait in a heavenly glade                            
To fulfill their needs,                                     
But OMINOUS deeds                                           
Suggest it's the Devil they've laid.                        
                                                            
42145 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Chris Papa               



The Saracen's battle caparison                              
Will suffer a lot by comparison                             
With soldierly dress                                        
(Designed to impress)                                       
Displayed by an Ottoman garrison.                           
(caparison - rich trappings, battle dress)                  
42146 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          R. J. Winkler       P84O7



To bargain with Sons of the Prophet                         
Will seldom afford you a profit.                            
Why bother to try it,                                       
And hazard a riot?                                          
Forget it -- you'd better come off it.                      
                                                            
42147 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          R. J. Winkler       P8407



There once was a Moslem fanatic                             
Who kept dynamite in his attic.                             
With a wink and a nod,                                      
He said that Jihad                                          
Was matter completely dogmatic.                             
                                                            
42148 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Phil T                   



Shall we risk a swift kick in the can                       
When we call it "EE-RON" or "EYE-RAN"?                      
Take whichever versions                                     
Cast the dumbest-ass Persians                               
In the worst light that we can find, man.                   
                                                            
42149 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Robin K. Willoughby P8711



The Sons of th Prophet, in truth,                           
Are rude, crude, and terribly uncouth.                      
The rule that they live by                                  
Is AN EYE FOR AN EYE --                                     
Though it's sometimes AN EYE FOR A TOOTH.                   
                                                            
42150 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Arthur Deex         P8407



Arab marriages always come late,                            
For it's hard for them finding a mate,                      
When you can't see detail                                   
Under her veil.                                             
So they end up eating their date.                           
                                                            
42151 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          D K Gurney               



Here's the Ballad of Fatima and Clyde                       
And their wild, sordid, trans-desert ride.                  
How they robbed with a smile                                
The banks of the Nile --                                    
How they took all life's pleasures astride.                 
                                                            
42152 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Arthur Deex         P8407



There was a Arabian sheik                                   
Who entered his harem and spake:                            
"A loud cry I heard,                                        
In here it occurred.                                        
Are my fifty-two children awake?"                           
                                                            
42153 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Linda Marsh Coll         



A sultan said sadly, "One strives                           
To please all my fifty-six wives.                           
But alas, intromission                                      
Gives me the condition,                                     
That's commonly known as the hives."                        
                                                            
42154 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Isaac Asimov             



The Arabian kingdom named Saudi                             
Had a sheikh who was swollen and gouty.                     
When a toe ached                                            
His pain was not faked;                                     
He was fidgety, gripy and pouty.                            
                                                            
42155 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          R J Winkler         P8407



A sultan who governed Sudan                                 
Commanded a timorous clan                                   
That lewdly pursued                                         
All the girls in the nude.                                  
Whenever they caught one -- they ran.                       
                                                            
42156 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Philo Logue         P8407



Some mad "martyrs" can scarcely wait,                       
To have an explosive end fate.                              
Each young man, sure he                                     
Will get an HOURI,                                          
And sixty nine more on his plate.                           
                                                            
42157 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Chris Papa               



There's a hairyfaced Moslem named Simon                     
Whose tones are not those of a shy man                      
When with cast iron lungs                                   
He howls twentyfive tongues--                               
But he's not at all easy to rhyme on                        
                                                            
42158 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          James Joyce         P9008



Is this the right tent I am in?                             
She wondered with mounting chagrin.                         
She answered a shout,                                       
"Did you, sir, bid me out?"                                 
"Not at all, madam, I bed-ou-in!"                           
                                                            
42159 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Laurence Perrine    P8407



"Your conduct, Mustapha, was shoddy;                        
My daughter you dragged to the wadi,                        
And there you seduced her                                   
And thoroughly juiced her                                   
And ravished her sweet little body."                        
                                                            
42160 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Peter Wilkins            



"So what, my dear father of mine?                           
Are you jealous perchance of my nine                        
And a quarter inch dong ..                                  
Yours is two inches long                                    
Which she tells me is hardly divine."                       
                                                            
42161 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Peter Wilkins            



On the caravan route to the East,                           
You will meet an Iranian priest,                            
Who, when morals are lax,                                   
Makes the beast with two backs,                             
But in holier times sticks to beast.                        
                                                            
42162 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Thomas A. Quinine   P8711



The worst Arab man's a Kuwaiti;                             
If he asks you out on a date, he                            
Will think you free tail,                                   
If you don't wear a veil,                                   
And won't treat you at all like a lady.                     
                                                            
42163 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Robin K. Willoughby P8407



Let's hear it for leader Khomeni,                           
He has made things perfectly plain. He                      
Loves war and its glory,                                    
If it's not he who's gory,                                  
But like Hitler he's slightly insane-y!                     
                                                            
42164 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Ann Gasser          P8712



The manager fired the clerk                                 
Who read the Koran while at work:                           
"While lost in the Prophet,                                 
You've cost us the profit                                   
You ought to have found in your work."                      
                                                            
42165 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Laurence Perrine    P8407



Though he lived in a charming oasis,                        
The Arabian phoneman made faces                             
And complained to his wife                                  
Of the evils of life,                                       
Though his lines fell in quite pleasant places.             
(someone explain this one to me - McW)                      
42166 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          A. N. Wilkins       P8407



Sheik Ahmed, it's worthy of note,                           
'Round his harem constructed a moat.                        
He had misses and misters                                   
And both of his sisters,                                    
But his favorite was Nelly, the goat.                       
                                                            
42167 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



Not satisfied just to rebuke us,                            
There's those who have set out to nuke us.                  
Could it be 'cause our views                                
As Christians and Jews                                      
Paint those guys as lower'n mucus?                          
                                                            
42168 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          John Miller              



Arabian prince, name of Ali,                                
With camels suspiciously pally,                             
Got wed to a four                                           
Legged creature, he swore                                   
Was a pantomime artist called Sally.                        
                                                            
42169 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Peter Wilkins            



A desert can grow cold and scary.                           
Or alone at night on the prairie.                           
Looking good for a pump,                                    
Is a female one hump,                                       
Next you know, in-laws dromedary.                           
                                                            
42170 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM                                   



When threatened by a squirt gun of lard,                    
An Islamic bomber would have to think hard.                 
"If I won't be mergin'                                      
With a heavenly virgin,                                     
Should I play the martyr card?"                             
                                                            
42171 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Norm Brust               



Muslim men prize their beards above rubies;                 
They're useful for tickling girls' boobies,                 
And bellies, and snatches,                                  
So they grow beards; the catch is --                        
They also must shave off their pubes.                       
                                                            
42172 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Robin K. Willoughby P8407



Shouldst thou write verses Satanic                          
Thy troubles wilt blossom titanic.                          
By the olive and fig,                                       
Vile infidel pig,                                           
Thou wilt need a gonadal mechanic.                          
                                                            
42173 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Arthur Deex         P9006



A paranoid shiek named Abdul                                
Was fearful of loosing his tool.                            
So he wrapped it up tight                                   
All day and all night,                                      
And he never did use it, poor fool.                         
                                                            
42174 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Julia Strawn        P8708



A Mohammedan screwed his nine wives                         
And gave them the lay of their lives...                     
Then thoroughly drained                                     
He grinned and explained,                                   
"They're cheaper than chippies in dives!"                   
                                                            
42175 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Grand Prix Lim  420      



They peeked under Abdul's fine tent;                        
Over Ali's pet lamb he was bent.                            
When asked to explain                                       
Said, "The lamb feels no pain.                              
And I've given up camels for lent"                          
                                                            
42176 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



I wanted to be a muezzin                                    
And sing out the prayers and the blessin'.                  
But the guys as the mosque                                  
Told me, "Don't even ask!!                                  
Our tower's just for men to say presen'!"                   
                                                            
42177 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Robin K. Willoughby P8407



Aladdin embarrassed his kin                                 
With the raucous commotion and din,                         
When the guy with a tug                                     
Uncorked the old jug,                                       
For he never could handle his djinn.                        
                                                            
42178 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          A. N. Wilkins       P8710



The sheikh said to the artist named Doyle,                  
"While painting my portrait, be loyal.                      
Though you make it your goal                                
To highlight ever mole,                                     
Be sure that you paint it in oil."                          
                                                            
42179 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          A. N. Wilkins       P8407



What this sheik from Kuwait wished to get                   
Was a swinging American pet.                                
If she went to the woods                                    
And delivered the goods,                                    
He would cover the national debt.                           
                                                            
42180 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



Now the pig has been drawn to the strife                    
To stem bloodshed where it's become rife.                   
Up to know it's been saved                                  
Because it is traif,  (not kosher)                          
But must die now to save human life.                        
                                                            
42181 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Fran                     



A caliph who lived in Kuwait                                
Had eunuchs he used to berate.                              
Supposed to be lustless,                                    
They proved to be trustless --                              
Their fate was too sad to relate.                           
                                                            
42182 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Philo Logue         P8407



Good grief; how can Mustapha Shag                           
Shag that wizened old mummified hag?                        
Well, he closes his eyes                                    
As he opens her thighs,                                     
And pretends she's a camel in drag.                         
                                                            
42183 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Peter Wilkins            



Says Crown Prince Abdulla, a Saudi:                         
"I'm civilized but I'll say howdy                           
To Bush down in Texas                                       
If one of the sexes                                         
In airport control's not allowedy!"                         
                                                            
42184 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Prof M-G                 



"Since the kingdom seemed likely to break up,"              
The Saudi king told Mr. Jacob,                              
"Nearly everyone knew                                       
What I had to do,                                           
So I called for a government sheikh up."                    
                                                            
42185 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          A. N. Wilkins       P8407



In the streets of Teheran, Ayatollah                        
Strolled in shoes reeking of Gorgonzola.                    
The crowd roared. "Khomeini,                                
It's clear you're not brainy --                             
Why, you don't know Shiite from Shinola."                   
                                                            
42186 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Bob Giandomenico    P8711



A Turk named Abdullah Ben Barum                             
Had sixty-five wives in his harem.                          
When his favourite horse died,                              
"Mighty Allah!" he cried.                                   
"Take a few of my wives - I can spare 'em."                 
                                                            
42187 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Linda Marsh Coll         



Khomeni, our beloved Ayatollah,                             
Cheers with the cheer, "Boola, Boola,"                      
And the face like the grass                                 
In a sphinctering pass                                      
And a hat that could be a bowla.                            
                                                            
42188 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Roy Shaw            P8711



Once we had Gypsies down our way,                           
But the Afghans moved in today.                             
You can spot Talibans,                                      
They all drive white vans,                                  
And stop every ten miles to pray.                           
                                                            
42189 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Tony Burrell             



Cried exhuberant Sheik Fuzzy Dik,                           
"The E vitamin has a great kick!                            
Now my harem brood                                          
Is frequently screwed,                                      
For it pricks up the schtick in my mick!"                   
                                                            
42190 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM                                   



The Iranian Revolutionary Guard                             
With a condition well-known as HARD,                        
Had a desire to go peggin'                                  
In a man known as Reagan,                                   
But it's against his belief to use lard.                    
                                                            
42191 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Roy Shaw            P8711



Here's a sheik of Kuwait who's obese,                       
And whose harem's a gaggle of geese.                        
So reserved just for him                                    
Are a dozen of quim,                                        
Yet he yearns for monogamous peace.                         
                                                            
42192 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



There once was a Middle East King                           
Who had warts on the end of his thing.                      
With a wink and a cough.                                    
Abdullah sucked them all off,                               
And the back of his throat felt a sting.                    
                                                            
42193 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Tomer Shiran             



A Bedouin rented and rode a                                 
Big camel for days till he owed a                           
Caboodle of money.                                          
He searched for a honey                                     
To join other wives in his oda.                             
(oda - room in a harem)                                     
42194 MEN - STUPID - MUSLIM          Philo Logue         P8407



In many of England's old schools,                           
They are bending and breaking the rules.                    
So statistics will show                                     
They're improving, although                                 
They keep churning out hundreds of fools.                   
                                                            
42195 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



They do it by stealth. Every year                           
It seems easier questions appear                            
In most every exam.                                         
It's the favorite scam                                      
Of illiterate teachers, I fear.                             
                                                            
42196 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



He scribbled his note on the wall,                          
"For good times you really must call:  "                    
Me, startled from slumber.                                  
The jerk left my number!                                    
Hey, Charlie -- Revenge is so SMALL!                        
                                                            
42197 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



I'm sorry I disturbed your slumber,                         
It must be I dialed a wrong number.                         
In the bar where I drink,                                   
There it was o'er the sink...                               
I was just a drunken succumber.                             
                                                            
42198 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



In gas stations, taverns, and stores;                       
O'er the urinals or behind the doors --                     
"For a girl who will party                                  
Call now -- ask for Marty,"                                 
But the handwriting, dear, looks like yours!                
                                                            
42199 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



Ole Johnson has joined KKK;                                 
Those sad bastards think the same way.                      
Put them in a line;                                         
It would be just fine;                                      
Just one bullet to blow them away.                          
                                                            
42200 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



I'll bet Johnson loves chocolate sweets                     
And brownies and blackberry treats;                         
And I'll bet at night,                                      
When dark is just right,                                    
Ol' Large eats 'em under the sheets!                        
                                                            
42201 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



We're all the same under the skin,                          
So, black, white or yellow the quim,                        
Much differences aren't,                                    
Except for the slant,                                       
To quibble o'er shade is a sin.                             
                                                            
42202 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



Why don't men make use of the brain?                        
They think with their dicks -- that's insane!               
This wee worm which they've got,                            
(And we females have not)                                   
To them seems to be a great gain.                           
                                                            
42203 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



A man's brain -- well it's certainly bigger                 
Than his ding-a-dong, that's what I figure.                 
(Small enough, anyway)                                      
But to my great dismay,                                     
All they need is just pulling their trigger.                
                                                            
42204 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



Listen, ladies prefer conversation;                         
Some sweet talk 'bout your infatuation.                     
I am sure they don't care                                   
For guys horny like bear,                                   
So keep cool in a hot situation!                            
                                                            
42205 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



Use your head, I will tell you once more --                 
No, not always, but always before                           
You strike out for some action                              
To gain sweet satisfaction,                                 
Otherwise you'd soon just be a boar.                        
                                                            
42206 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



I'm one prim and old-fashioned girl,                        
Who thought to give loving a whirl.                         
Wish I'd been caught up                                     
With some sweet young pup,                                  
Whose hot kisses made my toes curl.                         
                                                            
42207 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



But I got involved with a man                               
That my friends all call "Dapper Dan."                      
This stuck-up clothes horse                                 
Ignores me, of course --                                    
Unless I hit him with a pan.                                
                                                            
42208 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



He just is not my kind of guy.                              
"But none are!" I say with a sigh.                          
I just want perfection                                      
In one little section,                                      
But all of them tell me some lie.                           
                                                            
42209 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



For an answer I admit defeat:                               
Why is an American not complete                             
Without his gun rights,                                     
Whilst daily gunfights                                      
Leave another young corpse on the street.                   
                                                            
42210 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



Too many too young for a lay                                
Each day in the U.S.of A.                                   
Getting blown away;                                         
Lord I hope and pray                                        
They stop it. Somehow. Someway. Today!                      
                                                            
42211 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES                                  



Such a negative fellow was Cleft,                           
And of charm and of wit so bereft,                          
That his friends he annoyed,                                
And he wrought such a void                                  
When he came, that they asked who had left.                 
                                                            
42212 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES         Albin Chaplin 3024  P9801



His brother, it seems, was so dumb,                         
That his presence would leave people numb.                  
And there was such a void                                   
All  around him deployed,                                   
When he left, people asked who had come.                    
                                                            
42213 MEN - STUPID - ZSERIES         Albin Chaplin   3024-2499



Young Rodney McRich of Cape Cod,                            
Who fancies himself a Greek God,                            
Became self-endearing                                       
Because of poor hearing,                                    
When someone said, "There's that geek, Rod!"                
                                                            
42214 MEN - WIMPS                    Cybergeezer              



There was a young fellow named Jake                         
Who feared he would make a mistake.                         
When the boss said, "Let's go                               
On the road with the show."                                 
He would press with his foot on the brake.                  
                                                            
42215 MEN - WIMPS                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2630



A finicky man from Australia,                               
With the ladies was largely a failure.                      
He said, "Sex may be fun                                    
But in the long run,                                        
It will damage my fine genitalia."                          
                                                            
42216 MEN - WIMPS                    Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow named Grist                        
Who found the girls hard to resist.                         
He'd give them the eye                                      
But was so deeply shy,                                      
That he always just missed being kissed.                    
                                                            
42217 MEN - WIMPS                    Michael Palin            



There once was a young man named Mick,                      
Whose son was extremely thick.                              
He wore scruffy clothes,                                    
And picked dirt from his toes;                              
His eating habits made you sick.                            
                                                            
42218 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



A young versifier of wit                                    
Whose work was a dollop of grit,                            
Felt a very proud chap                                      
When they shouted, "What crap!                              
He must be a bloody great shit!"                            
                                                            
42219 MEN - WIMPS                                        P8704



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
Was entirely, utterly whacky.                               
He liked a good game                                        
(It was his claim to fame)                                  
'Cause he had built-in Hacky-Sacky.                         
                                                            
42220 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Buy-sexual -- you really must try it.                       
'Cause if I can't get sex, I buy it.                        
When my balance is low,                                     
I can't afford a blow,                                      
For for some trade, I will ply it.                          
                                                            
42221 MEN - WIMPS                    Funny Bone               



Young Fred, on a spree once last Fall                       
Met a woman accepting his call;                             
The story's unique                                          
As he wasn't a sheik,                                       
He went as he came, and that's all.                         
                                                            
42222 MEN - WIMPS                    Bill Backe-Hansen   P9401



There was a schoolboy called Dunsany,                       
Who in class, had the nickname of Brainy.                   
He was spoiled quite rotten;                                
He was kept wrapped in cotton,                              
Especially if the weather turned rainy.                     
                                                            
42223 MEN - WIMPS                    Arthur Pattaffy          



In the men's rooms across this great nation,                
One finds now a neat "Changing Station",                    
Where a new dad is able                                     
On a well-designed table,                                   
To work without improvisation.                              
                                                            
42224 MEN - WIMPS                    John Miller 0092         



Well, these tables most surely get used                     
By men who appear quite enthused                            
To accomplish some end--                                    
An end, my dear friend,                                     
Which might leave the designers confused.                   
                                                            
42225 MEN - WIMPS                    John Miller 0092b        



A table like this comes in handy                            
For sorting out hardware or candy.                          
Some find it nice                                           
For a roll of the dice;                                     
For a quick game of poker, just dandy.                      
                                                            
42226 MEN - WIMPS                    John Miller 0092c        



On a few I've seen traces of gravy,                         
Grease spots, and ink marks, and maybe                      
Some traces of oil,                                         
Miscellaneous soil,                                         
But never, NOT EVER, a baby!                                
                                                            
42227 MEN - WIMPS                    John Miller 0092d        



I'll not speak for the others, just me;                     
I've often been "chaste" Hugh, you see.                     
But there is no glory,                                      
If the love story                                           
Doesn't have a good end, you'll agree.                      
                                                            
42228 MEN - WIMPS                                             



An exhausted young man from Dunkirk                         
Was unable to get it to work.                               
With his hand on his thing,                                 
He knew well how to cling,                                  
But hadn't a clue how to jerk.                              
                                                            
42229 MEN - WIMPS                    Hugh Oliver         A086A



My room-mate John is not right;                             
His weird habits have reached a new height.                 
He drinks his own pee;                                      
That's alright with me.                                     
But his burps keep me up half the night.                    
                                                            
42230 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Sometimes he shits on his clothes                           
And eats what he picks from his nose.                       
My friend John may be bent,                                 
But he pays half the rent,                                  
And he cooks and he cleans and he sews.                     
                                                            
42231 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



What should I be happy about?                               
You rooting around with your snout?                         
You breaking my skin                                        
To worm your way in?                                        
You must believe I am put-out.                              
                                                            
42232 MEN - WIMPS                                             



Admitting that you are a geek                               
Will not make me think you are chic.                        
I'll think you're a goof!                                   
But I'm not aloof --                                        
Would you like to play hide and seek?                       
                                                            
42233 MEN - WIMPS                                             



Poor old Palmer was such a sad wimp,                        
He had failed as both pusher and pimp.                      
So he took to the net,                                      
Some hot pussy to get,                                      
But he couldn't -- his dick was too limp.                   
                                                            
42234 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



So he thought to himself, "Am I gay?"                       
And he quickly responded "No Way!"                          
But to hide his sick fear,                                  
He said "Cyberfruits here!                                  
Nuke that gay old John Davis today!"                        
                                                            
42235 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



But his audience thought it was lame.                       
They said, "Homophobia's a shame!                           
You're all twisted and sick;                                
You're afraid of your dick!                                 
It's your own guilt and fear that's to blame!"              
                                                            
42236 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Now poor Palmer sits home all alone,                        
Calling 900-lines on the phone.                             
Sadly yanking his meat                                      
In the shame of defeat --                                   
He STILL can't get up a good bone!                          
                                                            
42237 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



A scholarly person named Finck                              
Went mad if the effort to think                             
Which were graver misplaced,                                
To dip pen in his paste,                                    
Or dip his paste-brush in the ink.                          
                                                            
42238 MEN - WIMPS                    Carolyn Wells       P9003



A man had a wart on his nose;                               
He belched whenever he chose.                               
The man was a cad;                                          
His manners were bad.                                       
When his friends saw him coming, they froze.                
                                                            
42239 MEN - WIMPS                    Gordon Nelson      TP9806



The neighbor made him a bit edgy.                           
He called the guy "Damn toothless veggie."                  
Claimed, "I can be rough;                                   
A carnivore's tough!"                                       
Then threatened to give him a wedgie.                       
                                                            
42240 MEN - WIMPS                                             



The ghouls and goblins got rained out.                      
There's lighning and thunder about.                         
No Holloween deal;                                          
No chocolate to steal.                                      
On this man's face is a pout.                               
                                                            
42241 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,                           
Who never had more than a penny;                            
He spent all his money                                      
On furs for his honey --                                    
But the truth is, he never got any.                         
                                                            
42242 MEN - WIMPS                    Edwardian Leer 060  P9206



I'm boring, I fart, and I'm crude;                          
Irreverent is my attitude.                                  
I am quite suspicious                                       
Of things superstitious,                                    
But I'm sorry for seeming so rude.                          
                                                            
42243 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Laughed an old Casanova from Bellingham                     
Who runs out on his loves without telling 'em.              
"Sure they scream, squawk, or yell,                         
But it beats all to hell                                    
Hunting up some rich Arab and selling 'em."                 
                                                            
42244 MEN - WIMPS                    Armand E Singer       114



It's always the same tearful story:                         
A blind date -- and more that a bore, he                    
Was ugly and broke                                          
And he schpritzed when he spoke;                            
He was -- well, the Poor Girl's Peter Lorre.                
                                                            
42245 MEN - WIMPS                    Robin K. Willoughby P8405



A rich but shy bachelor named Horn                          
Has had it all since he was born,                           
But gets most of his jollies                                
Perusing girl's follies                                     
In tabloids devoted to porn.                                
                                                            
42246 MEN - WIMPS                    Armand Singer       P0106



Party man Craig is a nudist,                                
Who at parties has hopes to be kissed.                      
We tell him our troubles,                                   
While soaking in bubbles;                                   
If he misses partys, he's missed.                           
                                                            
42247 MEN - WIMPS                                             



I went to the old mausoleum,                                
To utter a pious te deum,                                   
Examine each tomb an'                                       
Perhaps find a woman,                                       
And fill up her rot-twat with creum.                        
                                                            
42248 MEN - WIMPS                                             



My brother's name is Martin,                                
With girlfriends he is always partin'.                      
His relations are hard                                      
When you're a lump of lard,                                 
And your asshole is always fartin'.                         
                                                            
42249 MEN - WIMPS                    Funny Bone               



A statistical fellow of Erie                                
Made his clients decidedly leery                            
When he found that his pals                                 
Rated more than the gals,                                   
In response to his poll-taking query.                       
                                                            
42250 MEN - WIMPS                    Keith MacMillan     A101C



Jack performs mental rape, the lewd lout,                   
On each sweet little lassie about.                          
All day long he's pursuing                                  
His vicarious screwing--                                    
No wonder at night he's worn out!                           
                                                            
42251 MEN - WIMPS                                        G2405



A miserable lad is Gonzales.                                
He's always short of spondalez                              
And often bemoans                                           
His lack of cojones                                         
And eats only week-old tamales.                             
                                                            
42252 MEN - WIMPS                                             



There is Herkin's love for his dipstick;                    
And its other use is to piss quick.                         
Read this at your peril,                                    
'Cause if he goes feral,                                    
He'll be intercontinental ballistic.                        
                                                            
42253 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Having wrapped up and sent off the only                     
Photograph that he had, Mr. Cronely                         
Received a rude snub,                                       
For the Lonely Hearts Club                                  
Replied that they weren't quite that lonely.                
                                                            
42254 MEN - WIMPS                    A. N. Wilkins       P8405



Although he was good with his mouth,                        
I just had to break up with Ralph.                          
He was nice to my lips,                                     
But not those past the hips.                                
If only he'd ventured more south!                           
                                                            
42255 MEN - WIMPS                                             



A man of his dear wife, was tired;                          
It seems that their sex life expired.                       
So he switched her, at forty,                               
For two twenties, so sporty,                                
But he was for two-twenty not wired.                        
                                                            
42256 MEN - WIMPS                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2335



A jew with muscles of steel                                 
Let all of the girls have a feel.                           
But the night he was wed,                                   
His bride dropped down dead,                                
'Cause none of his things turned out real.                  
                                                            
42257 MEN - WIMPS                    Spike Mulligan           



There once was a guy from Pipe Creek,                       
Of whom it was said, "What a geek".                         
For pussy he pined,                                         
But no one so kind                                          
Would give the relief he did seek.                          
                                                            
42258 MEN - WIMPS                                             



At last he met Grandma Kate,                                
Who consented to go on a date.                              
He was much younger,                                        
But oh, such hunger.                                        
Granny smiled and could hardly wait.                        
                                                            
42259 MEN - WIMPS                                             



He rocked her and he rolled her,                            
Even though she was much older.                             
He kept his eyes closed                                     
While pussy he nosed,                                       
Dreaming of girls young and colder.                         
                                                            
42260 MEN - WIMPS                                             



In each and in every locality,                              
Are men with that agile mentality                           
Who are simply terrific                                     
In the thing non-specific,                                  
And are expert in vague generality.                         
                                                            
42261 MEN - WIMPS                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2673



Why is it that people named Meek                            
Have almost no charm, no mystique?                          
The girls they have dates with                              
And want to be mates with,                                  
Just turn them down, week after week.                       
                                                            
42262 MEN - WIMPS                    Armand E Singer       339



Moaned a cowardly lecher named Pape,                        
"Babes today stay in great fighting shape;                  
Pocket pool is less fun,                                    
But when all's said and done,                               
It's a whole lot less risky than rape."                     
                                                            
42263 MEN - WIMPS                    Armand E Singer       234



There once was a sickly young git,                          
Who face was all spotted with zits.                         
His pop-bottle glasses                                      
Did scare all the lasses;                                   
His britches sagged with fresh shit.                        
                                                            
42264 MEN - WIMPS                    Mike Canada              



He climbed out of the pants he beshat,                      
And attempted to bugger the cat.                            
His clawed, shredded balls                                  
Left stains on the walls,                                   
And his arse made brown prints on the mat.                  
                                                            
42265 MEN - WIMPS                    Mike Canada              



Dora's groom, a small, bald intellectual,                   
As a lover proved quite ineffectual.                        
Now she rubs him with grease                                
Derived from fat geese,                                     
To increase his low sexual potentual.                       
                                                            
42266 MEN - WIMPS                                        G2373



Sugar rotted my teeth -- now I'm toothless.                 
Boogers I like to eat -- now I'm couthless.                 
My gal has left me                                          
The shell that you see --                                   
I'm lost with out Ruth -- now I'm ruthless.                 
                                                            
42267 MEN - WIMPS                    Gearhart                 



It's taken me most of the week,                             
A-scrubbing in my little creek.                             
I thought I would never                                     
Clean those tar and feathers.                               
I'm pristine, pure and now, meek.                           
                                                            
42268 MEN - WIMPS                    Archie                   



You jerks think so little of "janes"                        
Though we usually go to great pains                         
To love and take care of you,                               
An entire life ensnare you,                                 
But you limp ones, now, your are our banes!                 
                                                            
42269 MEN - WIMPS                    Jorna                    



A young fisherman near Port aux Basques                     
Was too timid and bashful to ask;                           
But to any young broad                                      
Who would fillet his cod,                                   
He would speedily rise to the task.                         
                                                            
42270 MEN - WIMPS                    Keith MacMillan       20b



A pleasure-bent lecher named Luft,                          
Who wheezed, palpitated, and puffed,                        
Whimpered, "Geez, am I tired                                
From the kids I have sired,                                 
And big-busted chicks I have stuffed."                      
                                                            
42271 MEN - WIMPS                    Armand E Singer       821



There was a young fellow named Beckwith                     
Who could find no young lady to neck with.                  
He looked all around                                        
But still not one found,                                    
So all of them, he said, to heck with.                      
                                                            
42272 MEN - WIMPS                    Chairman Steve           



There was an Old Man of Apuliar,                            
Whose conduct was very peculiar;                            
He fed twenty sons                                          
Upon nothing but buns.                                      
They were too weak for sex the whole school year.           
                                                            
42273 MEN - WIMPS                    Edwardian Leer 089       



There was a young man named Trelawny;                       
As he grew up he found this name corny.                     
He was no Cornish hero,                                     
In fact he's a zero,                                        
He was tall, he was thin and quite scrawny.                 
                                                            
42274 MEN - WIMPS                    Arthur Pattaffy          



The accident prone type of man--                            
Most yellow/red traffic lights ran;                         
Will pass on a curve;                                       
Says "Oiving" for Irv;                                      
Is UNDER when shit hits the fan.                            
                                                            
42275 MEN - WIMPS                    Irving Superior     P9404



There was an old man from Shegrin                           
Still waiting for life to begin.                            
His search for a piece                                      
Had brought no release                                      
And he wondered just where he had been.                     
                                                            
42276 MEN - WIMPS                    Neal Wilgus         P8302



A young man who's know as McNares                           
Was continually putting on airs.                            
He wanted to be                                             
In "Who's Who", you see,                                    
But he wound up instead in "Who Cares".                     
                                                            
42277 MEN - WIMPS                    Margaret A. Murdock P9303



Once there was a man named Wood                             
Who screwed every woman he could.                           
Once he had them all,                                       
His dick began to fall,                                     
And now his name is 'Could'.                                
                                                            
42278 MEN - WIMPS                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Great Global Warming Limerick Debate                    
"The topic's a hot one at that,"                            
Said the first, putting on his straw hat.                   
"Evidence had been forming                                  
That this globe is warming,"                                
And the sweat dribbled down his cravat.                     
42279 METEOROLOGY                    Carolyn Chase            



His opponent, unflappably cool,                             
Said, "Please don't take me for a fool.                     
If the temperature's rising,                                
It isn't surprising.                                        
It goes up, then goes down, as a rule."                     
                                                            
42280 METEOROLOGY                    Carolyn Chase            



"Sure, cycles exist", said the first,                       
Gulping water to stave off his thirst,                      
"But our excess pollution's                                 
A new contribution;                                         
For this reason, I fear the worst."                         
                                                            
42281 METEOROLOGY                    Carolyn Chase            



"Just put all your worries on ice",                         
Said the other, while tossing some dice,                    
"I'd much rather wait                                       
Take a chance with our fate.                                
Till the bill is due, why pay the price."                   
                                                            
42282 METEOROLOGY                    Carolyn Chase            



The outcome, my friend's up to you.                         
To find out what side really's more true.                   
Before more time passes,                                    
Analyze all the gases,                                      
And help figure out what to do.                             
                                                            
42283 METEOROLOGY                    Carolyn Chase            



Two thousand miles northwest of Dallas,                     
One might spot a bright borealis.                           
You cannot ignore a                                         
Fulgent aurora,                                             
Who brilliance could make the moon jealous.                 
                                                            
42284 METEOROLOGY                    Gary Hallock             



These dreary cold days of November                          
Have given me cause to remember,                            
That although I'm depressed,                                
In a way, I've been blessed;                                
At least I've a month 'til December.                        
                                                            
42285 METEOROLOGY                    Emma Basingstoke         



I've never been fond of cold weather;                       
I can do without snow altogether.                           
When the geese fly due South,                               
I get down in the mouth.                                    
I guess we're both birds of a feather.                      
                                                            
42286 METEOROLOGY                    Emma Basingstoke         



So picture me snug in my bed,                               
The covers pulled over my head.                             
Avoiding the Winter,                                        
The Frosty Tormenter,                                       
And dreaming of Summer instead.                             
                                                            
42287 METEOROLOGY                    Emma Basingstoke         



"Now here is the weather", he said                          
On the radio next to my bed,                                
"There'll be thunder and lightning                          
And hurricanes frightening                                  
And hailstones as big as your head."                        
                                                            
42288 METEOROLOGY                                             



I nervously peered round the room                           
In the eerily gathering gloom                               
And I wondered if... "Sleet",                               
Said the voice, "I repeat;                                  
There'll be sleet on this Sunday of doom."                  
                                                            
42289 METEOROLOGY                                             



I shivered and quivered in fear;                            
"There'll be snow!", said the voice at my ear               
"There'll be blizzards and rain                             
Moving upwards from Spain                                   
And tornadoes the rest of the year!"                        
                                                            
42290 METEOROLOGY                                             



"Typhoons and flash-flooding!", he screamed.                
Well I hoped I was wrong and just dreamed                   
It; but no ... he went on,                                  
"We're all doomed!! We're all gone!"                        
In a helluva panic he seemed.                               
                                                            
42291 METEOROLOGY                                             



Then suddenly over the air                                  
Came great sobbings of utter despair.                       
"I'm so sorry", he cried,                                   
Please forgive me; I lied,                                  
For today will be sunny and fair."                          
                                                            
42292 METEOROLOGY                                             



A meteorologist one stormy night                            
Was arrested, for by chance he might                        
Sell away the sun                                           
Just for his own fun.                                       
To prevent this, they kept him tied tight.                  
                                                            
42293 METEOROLOGY                    Bill & Sarah Murphy      



It's hazy 'round here, that's no jokin';                    
An' ah cain't ask mah neighbors what's smokin'.             
'Cause it's Mexican smoke,                                  
Not the usual toke,                                         
An' ah cain't hardly speak for the chokin'.                 
                                                            
42294 METEOROLOGY                    John Miller 0340         



We don't have that same problem here;                       
In California it is all clear.                              
That's probably 'cause                                      
Of El Nino's ripsaws,                                       
That's enough to cry in one's beer.                         
                                                            
42295 METEOROLOGY                    S C Saint                



I've been watchin hurricane Mitch;                          
It is big and no little hitch.                              
But this sort of storm                                      
Is becoming the norm.                                       
And Mitch proves that nature's a bitch!                     
                                                            
42296 METEOROLOGY                    Archie                   



From out of the anus of Heaven,                             
Shot Thunder Nine Twenty Seven.                             
It poured from the sky,                                     
Pure shit on the fly.                                       
And hit Earth at half past eleven.                          
                                                            
42297 METEOROLOGY                    Jim Weaver Collection    



"Who has seen the wind?" asked in voice shrill,             
Is a question which baffles me still.                       
For answers I'm yearning                                    
But know it was turning                                     
Both John Sutter's and John Stuart Mill.                    
                                                            
42298 METEOROLOGY                    Loren C  Fitzhugh   P9807



There once was an old Eskimo                                
Who hated the cold and the snow.                            
When Christmastime came,                                    
"I'm too cold!", she'd exclaim,                             
So she flew down to Acapulco.                               
                                                            
42299 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Christine Brim           



His efforts cause hardships delux,                          
Pain and suffering for seaguls and ducks.                   
His intent may be noble                                     
But disaster is global --                                   
As a weatherman, Al Nino Sucks.                             
                                                            
42300 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          William N Nesbit    P9807



While sated on pork fat and beer,                           
Old Marly expressed his good cheer.                         
He cracked off a medly --                                   
Not silent, but deadly,                                     
And damaged the Earth's stratosphere.                       
                                                            
42301 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          H Welchel                



On gardening I've always been keen;                         
Grass lush and beautifully green.                           
Flowers, there were many,                                   
Vegetables plenty,                                          
The setting was quite serene.                               
                                                            
42302 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



But not since the first of July,                            
Has a drop of rain from the sky,                            
Fallen 'round here.                                         
The sky is still clear,                                     
The ground all cracked up and dry.                          
                                                            
42303 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



It's official, we're suffering from drought.                
With strict water restrictions about.                       
Tickets and fines,                                          
If we don't fall in line,                                   
Keep our hoses inside; not out.                             
                                                            
42304 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



My grass now a nice shade of brown.                         
Flowers and veggies all drooping down.                      
With nothing to drink,                                      
They're just going to shrink,                               
And die all the way down to the ground.                     
                                                            
42305 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



This was coming, I knew in advance.                         
So I hired this guy, took a chance.                         
Though his fee's a bit pricey,                              
I think he'll do nicely,                                    
He promised a naked rain dance.                             
                                                            
42306 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



I am still going to water my flowers,                       
I'll just do it in the wee hours.                           
I say screw the brown grass,                                
The law can kiss my ass,                                    
'Cause I don't use that shit in their towers.               
                                                            
42307 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



Well, I figure if I don't take a bath,                      
How can I possibly suffer their wrath.                      
I'll water the grass,                                       
But I won't wash my ass,                                    
But I'll sure make it clean for Sabbath.                    
                                                            
42308 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



I'm just trying to work all this out,                       
I hate all that's caused by this drought.                   
But if I smell like poo poo,                                
What are they gonna do,                                     
Fuck'em; hope they all get the gout.                        
                                                            
42309 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE                                   



Today: Heavy rain is about,                                 
Small tornadoes and large waterspouts.                      
Six inches of hail,                                         
Followed on its tail,                                       
Summertime in England, no doubt.                            
                                                            
42310 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Tony Burrell             



It's said summer's near; someone's fooling,                 
Since for halcyon days we've been drooling.                 
Global warming exists                                       
But the thought which persists                              
Is that this year we've had global cooling.                 
                                                            
42311 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Loren Fitzhugh     P0307 



It might be somewhat far less than charming                 
And even considered alarming.                               
To put it succinctly,                                       
We could vanish extinctly,                                  
If there's anything to "Global Warming."                    
                                                            
42312 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



Some people for reasons political,                          
Of warming-trend warnings are critical.                     
So come and you'll learn                                    
How the stuff that we burn,                                 
Will all cause us harm that is physical.                    
                                                            
42313 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Literary Group           



I'm still care about global warming;                        
We've yet to see what it can bring.                         
A temperate winter                                          
May foretell the enter-                                     
ance of 130 degree spring!                                  
                                                            
42314 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Archie                   



It's time you Yanks showed some respect                     
For this nasty Greenhouse Effect.                           
I hear that it's grown                                      
The malarial zone                                           
To a thing that Britain can expect.                         
                                                            
42315 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Tony Burrell             



Each summer, it's more than a dream                         
That Oslo, we've reason to gleam                            
In the temperature drop --                                  
Don't you ever dare stop                                    
The Northern Atlantic Gulf stream!                          
                                                            
42316 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Bill Backe-Hansen   P8801



If freezing got you a piece,                                
Objections would certainly cease.                           
When cold and dismayed,                                     
It helps to get laid,                                       
Wrapped up in the feathers of geese.                        
                                                            
42317 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Elois                    



Out here in the desert southwest,                           
Our weather is mostly the best.                             
But right now it's snowin';                                 
The wind is a-blowin';                                      
I think I'll not even get dressed!                          
                                                            
42318 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Observer                 



The desert southwest normally bakes                         
With heat that will dry up the lakes;                       
Today, I suppose,                                           
If you won't wear some clothes,                             
Your habitat's perfect for flakes.                          
                                                            
42319 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Travis Brasell           



We've our share of flakes, that's for sure.                 
My state has a certain allure                               
To folks from the east.                                     
So 'flakes' have increased                                  
To more'n we can hardly endure.                             
                                                            
42320 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Observer                 



But most of them all still wear clothes.                    
(Which is for the best, heaven knows.)                      
But, if like sweet Carol,                                   
They'd shed their apparel,                                  
There'd be much more fun, I suppose!                        
                                                            
42321 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Observer                 



With sweet tea and nice crispy toast,                       
The breakfast, the meal I like most,                        
With a pair of brown eggs                                   
And the mutt sits and begs,                                 
As I sit here and ponder this post.                         
                                                            
42322 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Mul                      



Through the window, I watch the birds feed,                 
As they chatter and fight for the seed.                     
It brightens my day;                                        
I shall feed them till May.                                 
After that, there's no longer need.                         
                                                            
42323 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Mul                      



The apple trees, sadly are bare                             
Till Spring, and the weather gets fair.                     
Then not long to wait                                       
And apples!  (First rate!)                                  
Will be picked with reverence and care.                     
                                                            
42324 METEOROLOGY - CLIMATE          Mul                      



The first day of April was fine;                            
I'm glad it was finally mine.                               
Of course, as a rule,                                       
I'm no April Fool,                                          
And seldom do I toe the line.                               
                                                            
42325 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Liam na Beag             



Yes, April first is the best,                               
For I count anniversaries blest.                            
See my lawyer and I                                         
Told ex-husband to fly,                                     
On that day filled with smiles and with jest!               
                                                            
42326 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Delux                    



The first day of June was the best                          
For me, but, thereafter, no rest                            
Was mine to enjoy,                                          
Because her employ                                          
By me makes dear June work undressed.                       
                                                            
42327 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Travis Brasell           



Aha!  Now I get it, old Gray.                               
I thought first of months, by the way.                      
But then I rethought                                        
And your meaning I caught.                                  
I knew her sibs, April and May.                             
                                                            
42328 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Liam na Beag             



While playing that June you revealed                        
July when your mouth is unsealed.                           
In one so August                                            
We naturally trust                                          
Your Sept embers are now concealed.                         
                                                            
42329 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Archie                   



In Springtime those lovely three sisters                    
Named April, May, June makes us misters                     
Put hands on our tools                                      
Until we've, like fools,                                    
Achieved on our palms, painful blisters.                    
                                                            
42330 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Travis Brasell           



Too young is sweet April, I'm told,                         
And June is, for Springtime, too old.                       
I'll wait until May                                         
For a roll in the hay,                                      
For I hear she's exceedingly bold.                          
                                                            
42331 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Peter Wilkins            



I once knew a girl called October.                          
Alas, she'd a face like a dober-                            
Man.  Still, when you're tight                              
On a Saturday night,                                        
You'd love her, but never when sober.                       
                                                            
42332 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Tiddy Ogg                



Young April will give me some showers,                      
Bold May, though, will bring me some flowers,               
But June, more mature,                                      
Than either, for sure,                                      
Will heat up my body for hours.                             
                                                            
42333 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Travis Brasell           



No sun, too much water, too cool;                           
Last summer we shut down the pool.                          
But from nearby we hear                                     
Of a much better year.                                      
Or was that program on April Fool?                          
                                                            
42334 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          John Stubbs         P9309



'Tis on heat that I constantly sit,                         
For I am no bloody Brit,                                    
But a Florida beach bummer,                                 
Waiting for summer                                          
So that out to the beach I can get.                         
                                                            
42335 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Robyn                    



Oh colder than wind when it freezes,                        
Is that horrible pang when it seizes                        
The heart when betrayed;                                    
No solace can aid,                                          
And gone are the warm summer breezes.                       
                                                            
42336 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Jim Weaver Collection    



In sunny July I disrobe her.                                
In sweltering August I probe her.                           
In steamy September,                                        
She fondles my member.                                      
We hump throughout sober October.                           
                                                            
42337 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Jerry Nordal        P0301



A pestilent volcanic dustiness                              
Has blanked the sun's estival lustiness.                    
Now water refuses                                           
To go, and suffuses                                         
A permanent dankness and mustiness.                         
                                                            
42338 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          P. G. Thornhill     P9308



A brisk day of blue sky and gold                            
On the trees outside, air good and cold;                    
No day to stay in!                                          
To do so is sin!                                            
So let's get it on outside...be bold!                       
                                                            
42339 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS                                   



Said a nudist who tended to preach,                         
"Sun and water I crave at the beach.                        
But with holes in the ozon'                                 
We must keep our clothes on.                                
A sun tan is now out of reach."                             
                                                            
42340 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Sheila Rolfe        P9308



Said a practical cockster named Ricky,                      
"Never screw when it's torrid and sticky.                   
Best to wait until autumn,                                  
When the breeze cools your bottom;                          
What a season for dunking your dickie.                      
(taken from the following quatrain)                         
42341 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Armand E Singer        33



When the nights are hot and sticky,                         
That's no time for dunkin' dickie;                          
When the frost is on the punkin,                            
That's the time for dickie dunkin'.                         
                                                            
                                                            
42342 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Armand E Singer       33A



The leaves crunching under my feet                          
Means it's time that I swept the concrete.                  
I will sweep it and then                                    
'Twill be covered again...                                  
It's a full time job, keeping yards neat!                   
                                                            
42343 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Prof M-G            T9710



Winter's here; the Midwest has been hit,                    
And they've yelped, snarled, snipped; had a fit.            
But perhaps you should know,                                
When you hear of their woe,                                 
They're a breed who likes shovellin' shit.                  
                                                            
42344 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Jim Weaver Collection    



This day dawned very dreary and freezin';                   
Not unusual in this bleak season.                           
It did precipitate,                                         
Though in volume not great,                                 
But at least we had rime with good reason.                  
                                                            
42345 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Loren Fitzhugh           



"By summer, the race will be won,"                          
Said Kim, flying close to the sun.                          
But her wax wings got hotter                                
And she plunged to the water,                               
Crying, "Send rescue copters, I'm done!"                    
                                                            
42346 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Peter Maitland      P9308



Summertime leaves me wishing beyond                         
Weather fair; it's of fun that I'm fond.                    
So Rusty, my trusty                                         
Friend, seems that I'm lusty,                               
For some blessing from your magic wand.                     
                                                            
42347 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS                                   



I've decided that I must go                                 
Live in a land without snow,                                
Because of your words.                                      
I recall the turds,                                         
But more those I loved long ago.                            
                                                            
42348 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Jim Weaver Collection    



I know what you think of in Spring,                         
I'm thinking the very same thing.                           
With a chivalrous turn,                                     
I'd inflict such a burn,                                    
For a solid week you would sting.                           
                                                            
42349 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS          Frank Fazed              



Fall is here, don't be absurd!                              
The grass is dead, with dried-up turd.                      
And just one more thing,                                    
There's no birds on the wing;                               
They have all traveled South, as you've heard.              
                                                            
42350 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Jim Weaver Collection    



On a beautiful, clear autumn day,                           
I just might ask "Going my way?"                            
As I happily ponder                                         
The leaves as I wander                                      
Through forests and fields full of hay.                     
                                                            
42351 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL                            



Autumn's not an S.F. season, per se,                        
And I miss spectrum-bursting ballet,                        
Of leaves falling to earth                                  
To bring about re-birth                                     
Of next Spring's inspiring display.                         
                                                            
42352 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL                            



The leaves of the season, bespread,                         
Transmuted to yellow and red,                               
And orange and brown,                                       
As they gently fall down,                                   
And they land on the top of my head.                        
                                                            
42353 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Cap'n Bean          P0011



October, October, October,                                  
That great arboreal disrober.                               
Trees are dressed, much in hue                              
Till the wind rustles through,                              
Leaving all of them naked and sober!                        
                                                            
42354 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   John Miller              



In Autumn the sweet stacks of hay                           
Make beautiful places to play                               
With lassies who yearn                                      
Of new things to learn                                      
And "corn shocks" in more than one way.                     
                                                            
42355 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   John Miller              



The winter of our discontent;                               
Innocent hours are broken and bent.                         
The clock-changing event                                    
October's saddest lament,                                   
"Where, has the sunshine been sent?"                        
                                                            
42356 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Lynn Mostafa             



The colors are working their way                            
South. I've viewed many this day.                           
The greens are submerging,                                  
Bright colors emerging,                                     
I wish Fall would never go 'way.                            
                                                            
42357 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL                            



Leaves full of brilliance and fire                          
Fan at the flames of desire.                                
Curling smoke, burning cinders,                             
First signal of winters                                     
Sacrifice on the funeral pyre.                              
                                                            
42358 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Arden                    



We have the same situation here                             
In New Hampshire, land of woodstoves and deer.              
The people from Mass                                        
Are a pain in the ass;                                      
When the leaves fall, they leave, and we cheer!             
                                                            
42359 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL                            



Fall is the time of year                                    
That the football fanatics hold dear.                       
I'll miss Dr. Laura                                         
Because a plethora                                          
Of sportscasts is all you can hear.                         
                                                            
42360 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   John Miller 0097a        



Here we are, into the Fall;                                 
The squirrels are having a ball,                            
Out gathering nuts                                          
And spreading their guts                                    
On the roads that lead into the mall.                       
                                                            
42361 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   John Miller 0097         



Beneath piles, like leaves in the Autumn,                   
Decayed bills with past-due on the bottom.                  
A sneeze could result in                                    
A breeze, then tumult in                                    
To.. .the fall of Gomorrha and Sodom.                       
                                                            
42362 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Judy Grimes         P9912



The spectrum of color astounds;                             
The leaves have been raked into mounds;                     
The crisp, autumn sky                                       
Is a feast for the eye;                                     
The beauty of nature abounds.                               
                                                            
42363 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Cap'n Bean          P0312



With leaves turning russet and red,                         
Soon from the trees they'll be shed.                        
Soon I can stop mowing,                                     
The grass will stop growing,                                
And those horrible weeds will be dead.                      
                                                            
42364 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Jayne                    



The breath of cool Autumn descends                          
And wintery blasts it portends...                           
But as I sit here,                                          
I take quiet cheer                                          
As the breeze my love's tresses attends.                    
                                                            
42365 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Jim Weaver Collection    



One of November's bright balmy days                         
Encouraged me merely to laze                                
And languish about,                                         
Until put to the rout                                       
By the truth that such weather's a phase.                   
                                                            
42366 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



The autumn's bright splendor's enthralling,                 
And the colorful leaves have been falling,                  
They are filling my yard                                    
And they swiftly bombard,                                   
Now it seems I rake...but I'm stalling.                     
                                                            
42367 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Cap'n Bean          P0211



Green ferns, verdant mint, maidenhair,                      
Summer fading, fall hint in the air;                        
Autumn trees overflowing,                                   
All this softly glowing,                                    
Sun glint amidst leaves, draws my stare.                    
                                                            
42368 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Joel D Ash          P0312



Days pass and the greens mix with gold;                     
Sallow fingers hold amber, behold;                          
The high color turning,                                     
Prelude to auburning,                                       
Straw yellow and lemon so bold.                             
                                                            
42369 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Joel D Ash          P0312



Warm orange and mandarin between,                           
The glory of bright tangerine;                              
Burnt ocher a topper,                                       
The spreading of copper,                                    
High pumpkin accents Halloween.                             
                                                            
42370 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Joel D Ash          P0312



Carnelian and scarlet abound,                               
The branches with crimson surround;                         
Leaf veins spotted red,                                     
It's as if foliage bled,                                    
The blood shed as the leaves hit the ground.                
                                                            
42371 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Joel D Ash          P0312



Combinations of marvelous hue,                              
Champagne laced with burgundy view;                         
True fall brew supreme,                                     
Mother Nature's daydream,                                   
Yellow, orange, and red honeydew.                           
                                                            
42372 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Joel D Ash          P0312



Peak passed and the colors now fade,                        
Brown shade and dull gray tones invade;                     
The beauty dismembered,                                     
The colors remembered,                                      
Recall the fall treetop parade.                             
                                                            
42373 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Joel D Ash          P0312



I should sing you a song of September                       
And of life dying down to an ember.                         
I should reminisce                                          
About that and this,                                        
But it's all too damned hard to remember.                   
                                                            
42374 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   John Miller 0105         



When young, with friends Nate, Ned and Niles,               
Our autumn leaf raking brought smiles;                      
Now old, I am friendless,                                   
And raking is endless,                                      
But, lo, I'm still making the piles.                        
                                                            
42375 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL                            



When younger, I loved most the autumn;                      
When leaves fell, I happily caught 'em.                     
And hoped girls took heed                                   
Of Ma Nature's deed,                                        
As techniques of strip-tease she taught 'em.                
                                                            
42376 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Tiddy Ogg                



The autumn is fading away,                                  
The sunlight has shortened each day;                        
With leaves disappearing                                    
And wintertime nearing,                                     
Our landscape is turning to gray.                           
                                                            
42377 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Cap'n Bean          P0112



It's a little bit chilly today,                             
So I'm wearing my jaunty beret,                             
And gloves on my hand,                                      
My big, warm scarf and                                      
My trenchcoat buttoned up all the way.                      
                                                            
42378 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Jim Weaver Collection    



There are leaves crunching under our feet.                  
Oh Autumn, you just can't be beat.                          
The chill wind, it blows                                    
And everyone knows                                          
That soon 'twill be Winter we greet!                        
                                                            
42379 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Robyn               T9710



The weeds, they may all be dead,                            
So go put the tools in the shed.                            
And don't touch the mower                                   
Or even the leaf blower,                                    
'Cause soon you will need the snow thrower.                 
                                                            
42380 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Squirel                  



The autumn's a colorful blur,                               
And the thousands of leaves will deter,                     
A lawn that's kept neat,                                    
When you rake to the street,                                
And the wind blows them back, where they were.              
                                                            
42381 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Cap'n Bean          P9811



The air is so sweet and so clear;                           
The stars are so bright and so near.                        
The romance of Fall                                         
Is sublime all in all.                                      
I think "Shit, Winter will soon be here"                    
                                                            
42382 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - FALL   Jim Weaver Collection    



Entombed deep beneath ice and snow,                         
The birth chamber of spring far below;                      
Winter days still unfold,                                   
Golden sun sparsely doled,                                  
Cold threshold for the season in throe.                     
                                                            
42383 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Joel D Ash          P0305



By and by shortened days start to grow,                     
Melting landscape, diminished ice floe;                     
Woebegone faces brighten,                                   
Now the snow traces lighten,                                
A warm glow from the spring dynamo.                         
                                                            
42384 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Joel D Ash          P0305



The brown bears spring from caves to explore,               
Folks inhale the spring air they adore;                     
Skiers shed gloves and hoods,                               
Lovers stroll through the woods,                            
Flowers burst into bloom by the score.                      
                                                            
42385 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Joel D Ash          P0305



The full glory of spring has arrived,                       
Days when all living things are revived;                    
Evergreens shine anew,                                      
Purple finch bill and coo,                                  
The deprived have survived, even thrived.                   
                                                            
42386 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Joel D Ash          P0305



The season of kisses and roses,                             
The reason why misses shed clotheses.                       
And boys so excited,                                        
With joys unrequited,                                       
Feel seethings of bliss in their hoses.                     
                                                            
42387 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



The wolveses and frogses and duckses,                       
The stallions and bullses and buckses,                      
Where'er they may be,                                       
In pond, field, or tree,                                    
All get satisfaction from fuckses.                          
                                                            
42388 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



It's Spring, and the flowers are blooming;                  
All the wasp and the bees are a-zooming.                    
As they sting with delight,                                 
I'm in panic and fright,                                    
'Cause I picture my early entombing!                        
                                                            
42389 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Ystap              TP9804



There once was a little blue flower                         
That thought it had magical power.                          
On the first day of spring,                                 
It started to sing                                          
And promptly was drowned by a shower.                       
                                                            
42390 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Karen Lane               



In Spring all the weather is raining,                       
But just when the flowers start gaining,                    
The wind starts to blow,                                    
And the sky starts to snow,                                 
And my compliments turn to complaining.                     
                                                            
42391 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING L Bourgeau               



It is strange, what time's passing will bring,              
With a season for most everything.                          
Like a fellow named Michael,                                
Who has his own cycle;                                      
Like sap, his dick rises in spring.                         
                                                            
42392 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Limericks Naughty & Gay  



What a beautiful day of the year;                           
"Good Friday," they call it I hear.                         
Having shelter and food,                                    
I woke in good mood,                                        
So just spreading this personal cheer.                      
                                                            
42393 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Chris Bolivar            



May you all have the sunshine and light                     
That both precedes and follows the night.                   
And should trouble arise,                                   
Have the strength to surmise                                
You'll find favor to handle the fight.                      
                                                            
42394 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Chris Bolivar            



So now go out and take on the day,                          
Regardless of what comes your way.                          
The mountains you'll climb,                                 
Just one step at a time,                                    
And enjoy this weeks sweet Holiday.                         
                                                            
42395 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Chris Bolivar            



In April begins quite a stirring.                           
By May, can't control its occurring.                        
It happens each Spring --                                   
I desire a fling,                                           
But honey (who knows) keeps me purring.                     
                                                            
42396 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Patunia                  



March wind with it's stern, glowery blow,                   
Precedes April's soft showery flow,                         
Drenching cold, barren soil,                                
Warming earth's wintry foil,                                
Making way for May's bright flowery show.                   
                                                            
42397 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Bob Giandomenico         



Get naked and dance 'round your house!                      
Jump up and scare your neighbor's spouse --                 
Then wiggle your butt --                                    
Get out of your rut!                                        
It's Spring!  Go and act like a louse!                      
                                                            
42398 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



I'm dancing around like a fairy.                            
The neighbors are screaming "He's scary."                   
But you're right; spring is here.                           
So I'm flaunting my rear.                                   
Even though the damn thing's kind of hairy.                 
                                                            
42399 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



What Spring?  Hell no, you are wrong!                       
On Tuesday it snowed all day long.                          
Covered up all the grass,                                   
Gave the birds a cold ass;                                  
Mr. B would have frozen his schlong.                        
                                                            
42400 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



I should have stayed in the heat,                           
Of Puerto Rico, so hot and no sleet.                        
On the beach in the sand,                                   
Where my fanny got tanned,                                  
And the rum at night was a treat.                           
                                                            
42401 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



Well, at least we've Spring in the West;                    
I've checked, and the air's passed the test.                
I'd dance outside nude                                      
'Cept I am a prude                                          
And my next-door neighbor's a pest!                         
                                                            
42402 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



Spring weather's for mighty good sleeping,                  
And perfect for sowing and reaping,                         
And totally great                                           
For tiptoeing late                                          
To windows of gals for some peeping.                        
                                                            
42403 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



The spring sunshine makes flowers glow,                     
While through trees the breezes do blow.                    
And for me it does bring                                    
One more natural thing:                                     
Hormone-itch which makes my juices flow.                    
                                                            
42404 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



At long last, welcome glorious Spring!                      
May joys appertaining to it bring                           
Us right out of ourselves,                                  
Down from dark wintry shelves,                              
For the day and a half it may cling.                        
                                                            
42405 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



And soon 'twill be spring, of a sudden.                     
Like teen girlies breasts, things are buddin'.              
Those girls exit houses                                     
In tight-fitting blouses,                                   
Which gives me a throb in my puddin'.                       
                                                            
42406 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a late-coming spring                         
Because Old Man Winter did cling.                           
Mother Nature, so fickle,                                   
Gave the old man a tickle,                                  
And chased him up North for a fling!                        
                                                            
42407 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Pencraft                 



Easter, beginning of Spring;                                
What will this new season bring?                            
Life and rebirth                                            
For all that its worth,                                     
Life light and joyous on wings.                             
                                                            
42408 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Arden                    



Oh give me a break from that crap!                          
That Spring stuff is all claptrap.                          
That isn't new Earth,                                       
It's El Nino's afterbirth.                                  
But don't let me stir you from your nap.                    
                                                            
42409 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING S C Saint                



Mother Nature's a vengeful old bitch,                       
Who has control of the master switch.                       
She will drown you in rain                                  
Then again and again;                                       
She's the epitome of the old bait-and-switch!               
                                                            
42410 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING S C Saint                



When spring comes, all nature's abounding;                  
Lambs gambol and bird-songs are sounding.                   
Young girls are arrayed                                     
In best fashion displayed,                                  
To set all young male hearts apounding.                     
                                                            
42411 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Arthur Pattaffy          



And soon 'twill be spring, of a sudden.                     
Like teen girlies breasts, things are budding.              
Those girls exit houses                                     
In tight fitting blouses,                                   
Which gives me a throb in my puddin'.                       
                                                            
42412 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



Spring is a season of rain,                                 
Which can bring a great deal of pain.                       
When it rains hard,                                         
It then floods the yard,                                    
And it takes all Summer to drain.                           
                                                            
42413 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Amber Cataful            



The sleet and the gales have contrived                      
To make sure we know Spring has arrived;                    
So it isn't surprising                                      
That what's been arising,                                   
(Like sap for example) has dived.                           
                                                            
42414 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



The trees a cool breeze apprehend --                        
Air-waves of sweet hunger ascend --                         
We gently ignite                                            
The cover of night --                                       
'Tis truly love's season, my friend.                        
                                                            
42415 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING H Whelchel               



It's Spring and the flowers are blooming;                   
Our lawns and our shrubs we are grooming.                   
I think it's quite nice                                     
That's now gone all that ice                                
And that snow and we're harvest assuming.                   
                                                            
42416 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Anonymous                



Aromas of spring do I smell;                                
The warmth of the sun will excel;                           
The winter is over                                          
` think, I see clover;                                      
The snowmen can all go to hell!                             
                                                            
42417 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Cap'n Bean          P0104



Throw Spring in the air and proclaim it;                    
The buds on the willow exclaim it.                          
When Spring sun comes early                                 
My head gets all whirly;                                    
After six months of clouds, who can blame it!               
                                                            
42418 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING K R Swift                



The sound of the frogs in the distance,                     
Is lowering the winter's resistance.                        
And the bird's cheery song                                  
Says Winter's nearly gone.                                  
And the water is no more resistant.                         
                                                            
42419 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Sahollar           TP9804



The birds sing, before dawn has broken;                     
The dove and the finch have both spoken.                    
There's a song in the air                                   
Yet there's snow everywhere...                              
Surely Spring should be more than a token!                  
                                                            
42420 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Vicar Jane               



The spring's bright inebriate moon                          
Which silvers each meadow and dune                          
With dewdrops or frost,                                     
Will sink and be lost                                       
Like the meaning of some ancient rune.                      
                                                            
42421 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Mad Zeno                 



I was enjoying a lovely Spring day,                         
Getting flowers for a nice bouquet.                         
I didn't see                                                
A very large bee...                                         
I forgot what I was going to say...                         
                                                            
42422 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Spudbug            TP9804



That springtime is here, I've a hunch,                      
For your daffodils bloom in a bunch,                        
And the birdies go "Cheep!"                                 
Interrupting my sleep                                       
From 4:30 AM until lunch.                                   
                                                            
42423 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Tiddy Ogg                



Ah yes, all the flowers are growing;                        
The dear little buds are a-showing.                         
The days are a-lengthening,                                 
The sun's power strengthening,                              
And soon the damn lawn will need mowing.                    
                                                            
42424 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Tiddy Ogg                



It's now spring; I'm outdoors, love, with you;              
Walking side by side, sticking like glue;                   
Here and there, I'm caressing;                              
You'll soon be undressing;                                  
If plans for this day should come true!                     
                                                            
42425 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Allen Wolverton          



Sunny meadow!  I see it nearby;                             
In the tall gras, my Sweet Thing, let's lie;                
Would you doff your T shirt,                                
While I lift up your skirt;                                 
Point your legs, love, right up in the sky!                 
                                                            
42426 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Allen Wolverton          



Love, I see where my tool's to be sent;                     
I'll go mad from your love juices's scent;                  
I'll go deep in your quim,                                  
Till my eyes both go dim;                                   
And you giggle and sigh, so content.                        
                                                            
42427 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Allen Wolverton          



When your welcome mat's out, as a rule,                     
You'll take care of my most precious tool;                  
Though you rattle and shake it,                             
I know you won't break it;                                  
Just stretch it, my love; that is cool.                     
                                                            
42428 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Allen Wolverton          



My favorite season is Spring,                               
When birdies and fancies take wing.                         
Libidos grow stronger                                       
With days getting longer,                                   
And ladies get more of my thing.                            
                                                            
42429 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



I always look forward to Spring                             
With the hopes and the joys it can bring.                   
The warm southern zephyrs                                   
And healthy young heifers,                                  
Who're horny and ready to swing.                            
                                                            
42430 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



Sweet Jesus, I do love the Spring,                          
When girls are so eager to cling.                           
My peter gets sore                                          
Till it can take no more,                                   
And has to go 'round in a sling.                            
                                                            
42431 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



It's amazing how often in Spring                            
My girl-seeking radar goes "Ping",                          
On a buxom young maid                                       
Who wants to get laid --                                    
It's not just my heartstrings go "Bing."                    
                                                            
42432 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



How lovely the weather in Spring;                           
So far from last Winter's cruel sting.                      
It isn't the cold                                           
That's making girls bold,                                   
But a heat that is making them cling.                       
                                                            
42433 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



Glorious, glorious Spring!                                  
Though a girl be a dumb ding-a-ling,                        
Or a stupid old cow,                                        
I tell you, somehow                                         
I still have a yang for her ying.                           
                                                            
42434 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



For scoring, there's no time like Spring;                   
Be it couch, car, or creaky porch swing.                    
I'll gaze in their eyes                                     
And cheat and tell lies,                                    
And add some more sweets to my string.                      
                                                            
42435 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



Though older, the sap in the Spring                         
Still rises and prompts me to sing --                       
I'll still have the yen                                     
At a hundred and ten,                                       
And be rarin' for one final fling.                          
                                                            
42436 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



Don't think, just because it is Spring,                     
And our orgasms come with such zing,                        
And I plumb you for hours,                                  
'Midst warm April showers,                                  
That I'm going to come up with a ring.                      
                                                            
42437 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING John Miller              



Whenever the spring has sprung,                             
The grass is riz, full of dung.                             
With a bird on the wing,                                    
Or a wing on the thing,                                     
I don't really care how it's sung!                          
                                                            
42438 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Jim Weaver Collection    



The weather must be nice today,                             
'Cause there's no one in her to say "Hey".                  
So, I'll go out too                                         
And enjoy the spring view;                                  
And with my three doggies I'll play.                        
                                                            
42439 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Carol                    



Ah Spring!  Baby lambs...flowers growing...                 
Green grass...fluffy clouds...breezes blowing...            
New eggs in the nest...                                     
And the ultimate test --                                    
To remember all this when its snowing!                      
                                                            
42440 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Ckwhistle                



Good weather?  We've snow on the lawn!                      
Just what in the heck's going on?                           
One day it is hot;                                          
The next it is not.                                         
Ma Nature is running a con.                                 
                                                            
42441 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Marlene Lewis            



It's going to be a pretty day;                              
I can almost hear my favorite jay.                          
See the kids run,                                           
Being bathed by the sun.                                    
Soon t'will be beginning May.                               
                                                            
42442 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Tobassco            T9707



In Texas, on any cool day,                                  
Beastly summer is not far away.                             
By mid-Fall it grows tame;                                  
During Winter, the same;                                    
It will Spring on you, long before May.                     
                                                            
42443 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING J Burke                  



The birds know it's the season of spring,                   
Their feathers, they preen as they sing.                    
They don't know the date,                                   
But It's time for a mate.                                   
Perhaps it's time for a final fling.                        
                                                            
42444 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Arthur Pattaffy          



These lazy spring nights of warm air                        
Stir the senses of those unaware.                           
The scent of the flowers                                    
Floats up from their bowers,                                
And strikes just like an eclair.                            
                                                            
42445 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING                          



It's Spring and the flowers are blooming;                   
A young man's thoughts are booming.                         
His pulse is racing,                                        
His eyes are tracing                                        
The path through the woods where she's zooming.             
                                                            
42446 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Ystap                    



A farmer's young daughter named Chloe                       
Said, "I can't rejoice when it's snowy,                     
But the blue skies of Spring                                
Entice me to sing,                                          
Or to whistle a tune like the towhee."                      
                                                            
42447 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SPRING Woontner                 



In Queensland we suffer from heat,                          
With ice-cream and ices a treat.                            
To encourage lucidity,                                      
It's the bloody humidity,                                   
Makes surviving a difficult feat.                           
                                                            
42448 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



When you can't find the cool in the shade,                  
And it's 40 degrees Centigrade,                             
From your feet to your head                                 
You can sweat till you're dead,                             
Your lifestyle must simply degrade.                         
                                                            
42449 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



Oh the heat and the humidity are high,                      
And the Sun burns your skin from the sky.                   
Some folk like to burn,                                     
And bake till they turn,                                    
To a doctor, for a cancer to fry.                           
                                                            
42450 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



Of skin cancers and things that relate,                     
We have the most horrible rate.                             
To abuse in the sun,                                        
To "tan till your done",                                    
Then complain 'cause protection's too late.                 
                                                            
42451 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



You sing of the glories of Sun;                             
You feel you could do with some fun.                        
Well, I'll tell you this,                                   
I envy you, miss,                                           
To your cold winters I rather would run.                    
                                                            
42452 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



This West Aussie summer is hot!                             
'Twas a hundred. I will shit you not!                       
With thunder approaching                                    
And humid encroaching,                                      
I've become just a small molten spot!                       
                                                            
42453 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Archie                   



Of summer there ain't much to say;                          
On beaches bikini girls play.                               
All ripe for the plucking,                                  
I'd give 'em a fucking,                                     
If boyfriends weren't all in the way.                       
                                                            
42454 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



The dog days of summer are fine,                            
For relaxing in the sunshine.                               
So I'll take a stroll,                                      
To the ol' swimmin' hole,                                   
Get naked and drink some cold wine.                         
                                                            
42455 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



Mosquitoes go forth, multiply;                              
The dog-days of August are why                              
I'll get eaten or fried                                     
If I venture outside...                                     
So I'm in, with the AC on high!                             
(AC - air conditioner)                                      
42456 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER John Miller              



One summer I bet on a trotter                               
Who repeatedly ran best in water,                           
And then if he won,                                         
Dried out in the sun.                                       
Or else he required a blotter.                              
                                                            
42457 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Ethel Kesler        P9308



The dark nights of Autumn are nigh,                         
The Summer so quickly did fly,                              
Leaves fall to the ground,                                  
As the year moves around,                                   
Time to kiss the warm weather goodbye.                      
                                                            
42458 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Jim Weaver Collection    



During summer I toil 'neath the sun.                        
To raise vegetables, work must be done.                     
As I dig, weed and hoe,                                     
Water well, so things grow,                                 
All the wildlife have feasts -- I have none.                
                                                            
42459 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Karen Pratteb       P9309



I know that I shouldn't complain so!                        
But summertime verse is a vain show                         
Of poetic slaughter.                                        
Who wants to rhyme water                                    
Or sun?  Will you settle for "rainbow"?                     
                                                            
42460 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Jim Parr            P9308



The flowers of summer in bloom,                             
Though scenic, still fill me with gloom.                    
Eyes water and run,                                         
Nose burns (not from sun),                                  
And my sneezes are heard in Khartoum.                       
                                                            
42461 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Karen Pratte        P9308



My my, how the time it does fly                             
Into that sweet bye and bye.                                
It seems yesterday                                          
It had barely turned May,                                   
Yet in days we'll all be in July.                           
                                                            
42462 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Rusty Smith              



The heat here has gotten quite bad                          
And it's gotten to me just a tad.                           
It's made my brain shrivel,                                 
Come up with this drivel,                                   
And clearly it's driving me mad.                            
                                                            
42463 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER John Miller              



We don't mind your drivel, dear John,                       
Though the sun has been shining upon                        
Your poor brain and it's fried                              
To a cinder inside.                                         
(Well at least it's not totally gone!)                      
                                                            
42464 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Peter Wilkins            



Last year 'twas a summer so dry                             
I'd nary a berry for pie.                                   
So I called to the sun,                                     
"Enough! Pray be done!                                      
It's water I need, not stir-fry."                           
                                                            
42465 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Terry McFarland     P9308



The heat here has dissipated                                
And I'm feeling strangely elated.                           
It was too hot to sleep,                                    
And to sweaty to *beep*,                                    
And everyone was devastated.                                
                                                            
42466 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a lesson that we should be learning,                
With the hot days of summer returning:                      
Get some sun block applied                                  
When you're tanning outside.                                
If you don't, you will find something burning!              
                                                            
42467 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Limerick Man             



No phone calls no e-mail no nagging,                        
No up at 4AM and dragging,                                  
Myself off to work,                                         
To sit by that jerk,                                        
Old fat Pat to hear all his bragging.                       
                                                            
42468 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



So come the first week of July,                             
I'll be on a plane flying high,                             
Across the great pond,                                      
To Spain and beyond,                                        
I'll be back soon enough so bye bye.                        
                                                            
42469 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



But if I find me a gaiteiro**,                              
Who plays the pipes like a tornado,                         
I'll stay in Spain too,                                     
Until I am blue,                                            
From blowing his pipes until they glow.                     
                                                            
42470 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



Soon the Midsummer's Bash will draw nigh;                   
(In the States that's the Fourth of July);                  
While the fireworks go off,                                 
We'll sneak off for to boff;                                
In the bushes we'll have some hair pie!                     
                                                            
42471 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER                          



It is so damned hot over here,                              
Won't somebody please pass a beer.                          
The sun is so fierce,                                       
My skin it does pierce,                                     
And I'm starting to melt, I fear!                           
                                                            
42472 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Jule'                    



While we all beg for cool breeze,                           
Your part of the world starts to freeze.                    
It doesn't seem right,                                      
'Cause pray as I might,                                     
The heat will not slip ten degrees.                         
                                                            
42473 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - SUMMER Jule'                    



Sun-bathing beauties of old                                 
Are putting their tanning on hold.                          
In water, on beaches,                                       
Full-dressed Georgia peaches                                
Leave peeping Toms out in the cold.                         
                                                            
42474 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Deanna Silverman    P9308



Feels like winter's gone for a spell;                       
Buds on trees are starting to swell.                        
Bulbs are breaking ground,                                  
Birds nesting around;                                       
To winter can I bid farewell?                               
                                                            
42475 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Carol                    



There was an old fellow named Jones,                        
Who had aches and pains in his bones.                       
When down south he would go                                 
To avoid winter snow,                                       
He still ached, but in tropical zones.                      
                                                            
42476 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Warrick Elrod            



The season of mists is now here,                            
The birds sing with so little cheer.                        
The sun's golden glow                                       
Gilds the earth's woe,                                      
As it braces for winter that's near.                        
                                                            
42477 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Jim Weaver Collection    



Now, older, I love most the winter,                         
When snow flakes and frosty winds enter                     
My homeland of Dixie,                                       
Where warmth of cute Trixie,                                
Engulfs my stiff prick when I've bent 'er.                  
                                                            
42478 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER                          



Now older, I love most the winter,                          
When snowflakes and frosty wind enter                       
My homeland of Dixie;                                       
Where warmth of cute Trixie,                                
Engulfs my stiff prick when I've bent 'er.                  
                                                            
42479 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Travis Brasell           



Old Man Winter has struck on the Hill;                      
Snow and ice will soon coat rock and rill.                  
First the swamp has turned white,                           
Turning north late last night,                              
Leaving lots of "white lace" like a frill.                  
                                                            
42480 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Hilde na Beag            



When old Winterman makes his bidding                        
In swamp and low country there's skidding,                  
And skating and sliding                                     
And fun cabin hiding,                                       
By leprechauns cozy; no kidding!                            
                                                            
42481 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Travis Brasell           



Christmas over and in lack of freezing,                     
Snow all gone too, I stopped breezing                       
And instead I take hold                                     
'Gainst the bone-chilling cold.                             
With the heating, stuffed nose sets me wheezing.            
                                                            
42482 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER                          



The winter I went and got lost,                             
You ask me just what was the cost?                          
I near froze my toes,                                       
And did freeze my nose.                                     
Should not have made out with Jack Frost.                   
                                                            
42483 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER                          



Winter's really the season for me.                          
I'm a lass who likes festivity,                             
And rambling through mists,                                 
And Carolers pissed,                                        
And curing male hypothermy.                                 
                                                            
42484 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Lucy                     



The deep snow, when it's fresh, has great beauty;           
Laced with footprints from critter or bootie.               
But soon the stuff melts,                                   
And you'll see then -- what else? --                        
All the places your dogs did their duty.                    
                                                            
42485 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Allen Wolverton          



Said my neighbor in Philly, sweet Marianne:                 
"God damn it, there's snow on the streets again.            
I hate this white shit;                                     
It's giving me fits.                                        
I think I will move to the Caribbean."                      
                                                            
42486 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Jim Weaver Collection    



When Mother Nature is appeasing,                            
And the warm weather is so pleasing,                        
You'd best get you a chick                                  
Who's a little bit thick,                                   
So when winters back, your not freezing.                    
                                                            
42487 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER I R Canuck               



When along comes a chinooky breeze,                         
You'd best get your girl on her knees.                      
You may not have long                                       
For a nice skin flute song,                                 
Because now to the ground she could freeze.                 
                                                            
42488 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER I R Canuck               



So cold was a winter renowned,                              
I became, while out walkin', icebound.                      
When finally free,                                          
What a sight I did see:                                     
My shadow had froze to the ground!                          
                                                            
42489 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER                          



This Lady remains here in Mass.                             
A sweet, bona-fide Yankee lass.                             
Snuggled up with a book,                                    
By the fireside nook,                                       
Give up Winter? No thanks, I'll pass!                       
                                                            
42490 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Jim Weaver Collection    



For a chilly Chinese, Suzie Ming,                           
Sex at twenty below has no zing.                            
Her longing for intercourse                                 
Declines in the winter -- 'course                           
She will let men back at her, come spring.                  
                                                            
42491 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Armand E Singer        97



The chill of the winter's well known.                       
We put on our parkas and moan.                              
Thermals keep out the storm,                                
Also keep your ears warm.                                   
Then you will not be chilled to the bone.                   
                                                            
42492 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Andrew Purdom            



On all winter excursions, I pass.                           
The moon can be viewed through the glass,                   
Whilst drinking a toddy                                     
And warming one's body                                      
By the fire, and not freezing one's ass.                    
                                                            
42493 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Eva Amata                



Winter with its very long nights                            
Is made for lover's delights;                               
Time to explore                                             
Every contour                                               
That leads to the greatest of heights.                      
                                                            
42494 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Jim Weaver Collection    



Sky full of clouds heavy and grey.                          
Will we have snow by the end of the day?                    
Large flakes of white                                       
To hide urban blight,                                       
And lend it a certain cachet.                               
                                                            
42495 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Azul                     



Snow, the joy of the child,                                 
Be the winter harsh or mild.                                
They love it to play                                        
In it everyday,                                             
Slipping and sliding with abandon wild.                     
                                                            
42496 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Azul                     



Moonlight glitters on large drifts of snow,                 
Bringing memories of love by moon-glow,                     
Of firelight watching,                                      
Snow softly falling                                         
God hath wrought mieux que Michelangelo.                    
                                                            
42497 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Azul                     



A clear azure sky and it's hot!                             
A hundred or more we have got.                              
But it's nice to roast                                      
Here on the West Coast.                                     
The cold in our winter's just rot!                          
                                                            
42498 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Archie                   



There's a thunderstorm brewing inland,                      
Where the hills are making a stand.                         
So with luck tonight,                                       
The lightning will fight                                    
And give us a show that is grand!                           
                                                            
42499 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Archie                   



There once was a terrible freeze,                           
That killed all the leaves on the trees.                    
And some exclaimed                                          
That beauty was maimed,                                     
All because of a winter breeze.                             
                                                            
42500 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Ivanka Petrov      TP9806



The leaves flutter down from the trees.                     
You'll soon hear your first winter sneeze,                  
And see ice on puddles.                                     
It's time for warm cuddles                                  
And hugs; let the outside world freeze.                     
                                                            
42501 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Tiddy Ogg                



There once was an impatient bulb flower                     
Who pushed with all of her power,                           
And came up before spring;                                  
But the silly young thing                                   
Was froze in a winter snow shower.                          
                                                            
42502 METEOROLOGY - SEASONS - WINTER Sarah Miller             



The weather guy said, "Please prepare,                      
A Nor'Easter is coming, beware!                             
Bring your dogs in the house,                               
And be sure that your spouse,                               
Has plenty of TP to spare."                                 
                                                            
42503 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Last evening some huge storms came through,                 
With lightening and strong winds that blew                  
Trees out of the ground,                                    
The power line down,                                        
And may even have carried off Hugh!                         
                                                            
42504 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



A middle-school dropout named Ray                           
Once had an unusual day,                                    
Entrusting his fate                                         
To a twenty-pound weight,                                   
While a hurricane blew him away.                            
                                                            
42505 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Cyber Geezer             



A severe storm howled through the trees;                    
The cop shouted at me, "Stop! Freeze!"                      
I obeyed the law;                                           
Passersby laughed and saw                                   
How the wind blew my pants down my knees.                   
                                                            
42506 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Dirruk                   



Now just intllectually speaking,                            
The neighborhood must of been freaking,                     
When the cop said to stop,                                  
I thought he said drop --                                   
And I got arrested for streaking.                           
                                                            
42507 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           G Watson                 



When I was a child I did pray,                              
"Dear God, give me one snowuy day."                         
But in this here blizzard,                                  
I'll pray to the Wizard,  (Cyber Wizard)                    
"Please Rusty, make it go away!"                            
                                                            
42508 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



I found scooping snow is no fun,                            
So away from the north I did run.                           
Now I'll pick an orange                                     
That hangs in the low range,                                
And sit by the spa in the sun.                              
                                                            
42509 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           CM                       



Tonight it rained like cats and dogs,                       
With lightening, and thunder, and fogs.                     
And all of the roads,                                       
Were hopping with toads,                                    
Now my tires are squishy with frogs.                        
                                                            
42510 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



Frogs or toads, they're all the same to me;                 
They're both green and ugly slimy;                          
And noisy critters.                                         
Not fit for fritters,                                       
Or stew when they're flat or squishy.                       
                                                            
42511 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



Your problem, my dear, is quite clear;                      
You've kissed the wrong creature, my dear.                  
So instead of a prince,                                     
You've a knave in a mince,                                  
Who's decidedly ugly and queer.                             
                                                            
42512 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           John Miller              



You're lucky it rained only dogs                            
And sundry amphibious frogs;                                
For thunderstorms here                                      
In Old England, I fear,                                     
Mean bombardment with sheep-shagging Oggs.                  
                                                            
42513 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



If I thought a prince they'd become,                        
There's hundreds that I could choose from.                  
In the pond I would play,                                   
And kiss them all day,                                      
'Til my lips get all slimy and numb.                        
                                                            
42514 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



It's raining for all that it's worth;                       
Of water we'll sure have no dearth.                         
As prophets foretell,                                       
The rivers will swell                                       
And the creeks shall inherit the Earth.                     
                                                            
42515 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Tiddy                    



It's blowing a southerly gale                               
And there's rain and occasional hail;                       
So I'll crawl back to bed,                                  
And start dreaming instead                                  
Of voluptuous feminine tail.                                
                                                            
42516 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



And right behind Floyd now is Gert.                         
Hope the east coastline she'll avert.                       
To stay in the ocean,                                       
Cause no commotion,                                         
Or we'll be on a constant alert.                            
                                                            
42517 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



She's pure as the wind driven snow;                         
Excepting she's warmer, I know.                             
She and the wind, mate,                                     
Share this common trait:                                    
They both often give a good blow.                           
                                                            
42518 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Frank Fazed              



The tornadoes passed through the night;                     
The lightning kept sparking up bright.                      
The wind rose, rain fell;                                   
A storm night from hell!                                    
[I enjoy a good blow when done right!]                      
                                                            
42519 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



The rage of that storm was so strong,                       
It sucked up and swallowed your dong.                       
It pulled and it twisted,                                   
And though you resisted,                                    
It's now only two inches long.                              
                                                            
42520 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Two inches is what's left outside,                          
Your mouth when you open it wide;                           
And take in your throat                                     
My enormous hard choat;                                     
Want the rest in?  Force COULD be applied!                  
                                                            
42521 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



There was a fare made from Duquesne                         
Who dared not go fourth in the resne.                       
If her head once got wet                                    
She'd again be brunette,                                    
For her heir she'd have died all in vesne.                  
                                                            
42522 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Princeton Tiger     P0007



In August, the hurricane Andrew                             
Drew looters, militiamen and drew                           
From desperate folks                                        
Some down-to-earth jokes,                                   
But mostly despair drew.. and rue.                          
                                                            
42523 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Irving Superior     P9305



If you live down in South Carolinee                         
And you avoid hits by a palm tree,                          
When you get old as hell                                    
This story you'll tell:                                     
"I remember the time when Floyd blew me."                   
                                                            
42524 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



I read using candles for light.                             
While transformers flashed in the night.                    
A-popping like corn,                                        
The tree limbs were torn.                                   
Old Bonnie was quite a good fright.                         
(Hurricane Bonnie 1998)                                     
42525 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           H WHELCHEL               



I've waited for Carol to call,                              
But she must have been in the squall.                       
Hurricane Floyd                                             
Must have made void                                         
Her promise of phone-sex, I bawl...                         
                                                            
42526 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



...My eyes out while thinking that she                      
Has been thrown out into the sea,                           
By winds so torrential                                      
That rocked residential                                     
Areas, please let me wrong be.                              
                                                            
42527 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Oh Floyd will be such a pain                                
From Miami all way up to Maine.                             
But I am nervous and 'fraid,                                
For tomorrow I've laid                                      
Plans to fly to New York on a plane.                        
                                                            
42528 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



As we prepare to be battered by Floyd,                      
His wrath we still hope to avoid.                           
Though warnings they'll post,                               
Up and down our east coast,                                 
Hurricane parties will then be enjoyed.                     
                                                            
42529 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



In NZ it's already tomorrow                                 
And Clinton now knows of the sorrow                         
Floyd has in store                                          
For our southeastern shore.                                 
You think his crystal ball I could borrow?                  
                                                            
42530 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



This summer we suffered a drought;                          
Now hurricane Floyd is about.                               
Our sump pump is worn                                       
By the load that its borne;                                 
The rest of today is in doubt.                              
                                                            
42531 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Chris Papa               



Four inches of rain are now down;                           
There isn't a dry spot in town,                             
And later, we know,                                         
The brunt of the blow                                       
Will be struck in parts here aroun'.                        
                                                            
42532 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Chris Papa               



The poop bucket's hid in the wood.                          
We've taken up all that we could                            
That might blow away.                                       
Now we only pray                                            
That our best precautions are good.                         
                                                            
42533 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Chris Papa               



One day soon, we will see the sun,                          
Once huge Fearful Floyd has his run.                        
We'll welcome with glee                                     
No emergency,                                               
And watering ban will be done.                              
                                                            
42534 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Chris Papa               



By midnight they say t'will be done.                        
For now we just follow its run                              
Up the New Jersey shore.                                    
With more rain in store,                                    
We hope the wind damage we'll shun.                         
                                                            
42535 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Chris Papa               



Will Charlston escape Hugo's blow?                          
Which way will the hurricaine go?                           
Will there be "hurrahs"                                     
Or Les Miserables?                                          
Whichever, the Victor, Hugo.                                
                                                            
42536 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Irving Superior     P8910



A hurricane by the name of Opal,                            
Took Gulf Shores something awful.                           
Ruined a property of mine,                                  
(It was one of a kind!)                                     
And adjusters say, "It is a total!"                         
                                                            
42537 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Joyce                    



We'll hear as the wind blows around,                        
Trees and roof tops tumbling down.                          
But safe in our bunker,                                     
We'll just get drunker,                                     
The biggest storm party in town.                            
                                                            
42538 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



A single candle burning bright                              
Supplies our only light tonight.                            
An ice storm to freeze;                                     
Brings down cables, poles and trees.                        
Now it is not a lovely sight.                               
                                                            
42539 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Sweetie Pie        TP9806



The hurricane said, as she grinned,                         
"My will I now plan to rescind.                             
I left all my dough                                         
To a cute weather pro,                                      
And you shall inherit the wind."                            
                                                            
42540 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Al Willis           T9801



While thunder rolled out of the sky,                        
Tornados caused houses to fly;                              
The storm was a brute,                                      
And its damage acute,                                       
Causing ninety-six people to die.                           
                                                            
42541 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Cap'n Bean          P0308



With one more ice-cold winter's blast,                      
I sure hope that this is our last.                          
Today it is snowing,                                        
And my flowers growing                                      
Outside will be dying real fast.                            
                                                            
42542 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



It seems wherever you go,                                   
The wind it continues to blow.                              
He in central PA,                                           
It's a work holiday --                                      
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!                      
                                                            
42543 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Al Bienstock             



As long as there's no place to go,                          
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.                      
But when you travel by air,                                 
And get stuck at O'Hare,                                    
It's a pleasure you'd gladly forgo.                         
                                                            
42544 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Election 2000            



We have never been worried too much                         
About inclement weather and such.                           
But last night's downpour                                   
And the prospect of more                                    
Give me cause for concern for the Dutch.                    
                                                            
42545 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



It was a mild one as hurricanes go,                         
Some hang around to blow and blow.                          
And some are so mild,                                       
They make my farts look wild,                               
As some people around me will know.                         
                                                            
42546 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Jim Weaver Collection    



The Nor'easter left us high and dry.                        
Not one flake of snow from the sky,                         
Has fallen 'round here;                                     
It's sunny and clear;                                       
I'd sure like to choke that weather guy!                    
                                                            
42547 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Finally a few clouds in the sky,                            
With thunder and lightning came by,                         
With much needed showers.                                   
Thanks to the great powers                                  
Of that naked rain dancing guy.                             
                                                            
42548 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



So now you are glad to be doused;                           
No doubt you'll go in and get soused.                       
As the rain comes down,                                     
You'll be dancing around,                                   
'Cause the rain dancing man is aroused.                     
                                                            
42549 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Tony Brasell             



Does this mean our dancing must cease                       
Because clouds and rain do increase.                        
I was having such fun,                                      
All nude in the sun.                                        
What a wonderful way to release.                            
                                                            
42550 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Elizabeth                



You can dance around all that you want;                     
Your bare nakedness then you can flaunt.                    
Out there on my grass,                                      
All night shake your ass;                                   
If the cops come by, act nonchalant.                        
                                                            
42551 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Carol                    



Well, I'll not relinquish the chance                        
To dance with my lance out sans pants.                      
We'll just move inside                                      
To the king-sized big wide                                  
Bed and begin a new dance.                                  
                                                            
42552 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Jon Gearhart             



My trousers I've had to take off.                           
(Why, sure I look funny; don't scoff.)                      
I've been and gone out                                      
And got soaking throughout,                                 
But I promise nowt else I will doff.                        
                                                            
42553 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



But now you're soaked through and through;                  
I see water sloshing from your shoe!                        
You're starting to drip;                                    
It's best that you strip.                                   
I'll cover my eyes from the view.                           
                                                            
42554 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



OK then, my dear, I'll strip;                               
My sweatshirt and socks I'll off whip.                      
Now if you want more,                                       
Girl, kneel down on the floor,                              
For my jocks are too hard to off slip.                      
                                                            
42555 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



And have a wee rummage inside;                              
Let fingers, not eyes, be your guide.                       
And when you can feel                                       
What I barely conceal                                       
There, my jocks you can slowly off slide.                   
                                                            
42556 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Oh dear, your masculine meat                                
Fits in my hand so perfectly neat.                          
Just as my T and A,                                         
Fit your hands the same way,                                
This wet day turned into a treat!                           
                                                            
42557 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



One freezing October eve,                                   
So cold that the hands were in sleeves,                     
The roads were all icy.                                     
'Twasn't terribly nicey;                                    
Just look what Jack Frost could achieve.                    
                                                            
42558 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Novastar                 



Thus speaketh ye old weather oracle:                        
Storms cometh, go not in thy coracle.                       
In vain may thou wrestle                                    
Controlling that vessel,                                    
And should thou survive, 'tis a moracle.                    
                                                            
42559 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Tiddy Ogg                



If you want predictions so logical,                         
Concerning things meteorological,                           
Consult Ogg, the Wiz                                        
Who sure knows his biz,                                     
Dissecting things entomological.                            
                                                            
42560 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Tiddy Ogg                



A magician of Kalamazoo                                     
Said, "There's nothing that I cannot do.                    
It's the Fourth of July,                                    
But why should we fry?                                      
Let it snow! Let it snow! And it snew."                     
                                                            
42561 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Jim Weaver Collection    



What is that stuff that I see                               
That's falling down through the tree,                       
Outside my window?                                          
Could it be snow?                                           
Yes, it very well could be.                                 
                                                            
42562 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Big flakes so fluffy and white                              
Are an unusual sight,                                       
For one desert-raised                                       
And in the sun braised,                                     
But for now, snow fits just right.                          
                                                            
42563 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Right here in the USA, bro,                                 
It's some months till we'll see any snow.                   
But if I had my picks                                       
I'd be in the tropics,                                      
Wouldn't see any snow no' MO.                               
                                                            
42564 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



That snow, if you don't know, is CHILLY!                    
Makes it hard to get hold of my willy.                      
There's just no bragging                                    
'Bout that shriveled thing.                                 
All the girls think I've got willy-NILly.                   
                                                            
42565 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



And fingers?  They're too cold to grab                      
Frozen titties, like meat on a slab.                        
My only consolation                                         
Is the insulation                                           
I get from my layer of flab.                                
                                                            
42566 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



The rain in Iberia falls                                    
On the plain in the main? Utter balls!                      
They send their low pressure                                
To London and Cheshire;                                     
It's England what suffers the squalls.                      
                                                            
42567 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



A squall here would be a real treat,                        
I'm so sick of this infernious heat.                        
Always sweaty and hot,                                      
Makes your twat smell like rot,                             
And you stick to the toilet seat.                           
                                                            
42568 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



The weather? It's sunny and warm                            
(Rather warmer I think than the norm);                      
But that cumulonim-                                         
bus looks horribly grim,                                    
And I guess that we're in for a storm.                      
                                                            
42569 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Tomorrow is All Hallow's Eve;                               
They say we are going to receive                            
Not candy, you know,                                        
But ten inches of snow.                                     
I really am very aggrieved.                                 
                                                            
42570 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Azul                     



It was Bertha they gave as a name                           
To the storm on the east coast that came.                   
People left in a hurry                                      
Fearing its mighty fury.                                    
But compared to some, she was tame.                         
                                                            
42571 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Youngbeard               



I love thunder and lightning -- it thrills!                 
So exciting it gives me the chills.                         
My nipples go taut,                                         
Afraid, I am not,                                           
Of those flashes high over the hills.                       
                                                            
42572 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Jayne                    



It started to rain, then it poured.                         
The lightning smote down with its sword.                    
There was a short pause,                                    
Then from the storm's jaws,                                 
Came the Thunder's deep subsonic chord.                     
                                                            
42573 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           ROE                      



"Thunder," the weather man said.                            
The thought of it fills me with dread.                      
I'll cover the mirrors                                      
And if it gets serious,                                     
I'll run and hide under the bed.                            
                                                            
42574 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



"Cover mirrors?" I hear you deride;                         
They attract the lightning inside.                          
And once in the house                                       
With its deafening rows,                                    
You'll find there is nowhere to hide.                       
                                                            
42575 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



Now this old wives tale made me wonder,                     
When on it I happened to blunder.                           
Rubber boots on the sill                                    
Of a window, they will                                      
Catch lightning that comes with the thunder.                
                                                            
42576 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Frank                    



I have a four day weekend,                                  
Don't know what to do, how to spend                         
All of this free time.                                      
Cause in the house, I'm                                     
Stuck.  Will this rain ever end?                            
                                                            
42577 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



An amazing man's Andrei P. Troofoff!                        
He's a primo professional goof-off;                         
Underweared, easychaired,                                   
At his TV he stared,                                        
While a hurricane tore his whole roof off.                  
                                                            
42578 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Robin K. Willoughby P8503



A harried housewife in Rangoon,                             
Hung wash in a raging TYPHOON.                              
Her possession scanties,                                    
Few bras and her panties,                                   
Are now on their way to the moon.                           
                                                            
42579 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Chris Papa               



An Asian cyclone is TYPHOON,                                
Which some mariners does maroon,                            
Who, if still alive,                                        
With Friday contrive                                        
To survive until rescue soon.                               
                                                            
42580 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Daniel Ford              



There was a wee girl named Estrella                         
Who owned an enormous umbrella;                             
One day in a gale                                           
With lightning and hail,                                    
The umbrella went up with Estrella.                         
                                                            
42581 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Mabel B Hill             



As I pass girls, my eyes start to swivel,                   
And some mutter phrases uncivil.                            
I drool words insane,                                       
As I walk in the rain.                                      
In drizzle I dribble my drivel.                             
                                                            
42582 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Tiddy Ogg                



The summer has come with a bang --                          
The clouds are its yin, the heat, yang.                     
And when the clouds burst                                   
And slake the ground's thirst,                              
I pop out and wash off my wang.                             
                                                            
42583 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           H Whelchel               



An elegant lady of Spain                                    
Was caught in a deluge of rain.                             
She was swept off her feet                                  
And washed down the street,                                 
Then she disappeared down a large drain.                    
                                                            
42584 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Loads & Loads Lims  P0105



These hours of showers bring flowers,                       
While girlies all cower in bowers.                          
With moisture they're wringing,                             
And t-shirts are clinging,                                  
Which have such revivalist powers.                          
                                                            
42585 METEOROLOGY - STORMS                                    



A bold Irish maiden named Mary,                             
Who found it exciting to tarry                              
In the hurricane eye                                        
Of a spiraling sky,                                         
Went a long, wrong way to Tipperary.                        
                                                            
42586 METEOROLOGY - STORMS           Cybergeezer              



An anxious young lady named Tunney                          
Called weatherman Jones and said, "Honey,                   
Tell me what is the weather,                                
And please tell me whether                                  
It will be fourteen inches or Sonny."                       
                                                            
42587 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Albin Chaplin   3024-2348



They say we are facing a drought,                           
But every time that I go out,                               
It's pouring with rain.                                     
The forecaster's brain                                      
Must have gone down the waste water spout.                  
                                                            
42588 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Tiddy Ogg                



In Aurora a girl name of Alice                              
Talked only of life in a palace.                            
Other things she'd ignore;                                  
She was just a big bore.                                    
They called her Aurora borealis.                            
                                                            
42589 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Tom Patton               



A professor by the name of Heather                          
Had trouble putting letters together.                       
Her poor editor cried                                       
When she upped and died.                                    
Cause of death was the worst spell of weather.              
                                                            
42590 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Tom Patton          P0108



Ballooning's an interesting antic --                        
Serene and relaxing, not frantic;                           
Unless a typhoon                                            
Spoils your quiet afternoon,                                
And deposits you in the Atlantic.                           
                                                            
42591 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Funfax Limericks         



Mother Nature, playing her tricks,                          
Has the whole Northeast in a fix.                           
They're out there right now                                 
With shovel and plow.                                       
'Tis "The Blizzard of Old '96".                             
                                                            
42592 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Writerman                



This blizzard's so bad it's not funny!                      
Can't go nowhere for love or for money!                     
So you'll find this old face                                
Near a warm fireplace,                                      
Snuggled up close to my honey!                              
(Written during the Blizzard of 96)                         
42593 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Robert Frosty            



If you're wondering, "How is the weather                    
When mountains and clouds come together?"                   
The winds and the sleet                                     
Knock you right off your feet,                              
If you're not held secure with a tether!                    
                                                            
42594 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Limerick Man             



The trouble with meteorology,                               
Is nowdays blamed on chaology.                              
Last weeks butterfly-wing flaps...                          
Today surprise thunder claps,                               
And weather forecasters' apology.                           
                                                            
42595 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Prof M-G            T9710



The storm at my window is nigh,                             
As thunderheads rattle the sky.                             
Celestial strife,                                           
Like an echo of life,                                       
A chaotic cacophonous cry.                                  
                                                            
42596 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Lassies Lover      TP9806



I love looking up at the sky,                               
Watching cotton-wool clouds drifting by;                    
For they're constantly changing                             
Formations; arranging                                       
Themselves into pictures on high.                           
                                                            
42597 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Ardens                   



They drift by, hypnotically slow,                           
And though it's a cliche, I know                            
I see castles and towers                                    
Ever changing for hours;                                    
An amazing magnificent show.                                
                                                            
42598 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Ardens                   



So fluffy and pure they appear,                             
Like cotton balls, far or near.                             
Soft as a willow,                                           
A cushy white pillow;                                       
Strong winds make them soon disappear.                      
                                                            
42599 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Arden                    



There was a young man of Quebec,                            
Who was frozen in snow to his neck.                         
When asked, "Are you friz?"                                 
He replied, "Yes, I is.                                     
But we don't call this cold in Quebec."                     
                                                            
42600 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Rudyard Kipling          



If the temperature dropped in a hurry,                      
Causing your tackle to scurry,                              
Your balls to migrate,                                      
And your dong to deflate,                                   
You'd still be exciting, don't worry.                       
                                                            
42601 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Jim Weaver Collection    



The weather reporter Miss Lowe                              
Forecast rain, hail, tornadoes and snow.                    
But her date was not scared,                                
He came fully prepared;                                     
He was braced for the coming big blow.                      
                                                            
42602 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Albin Chaplin            



The weatherman falters and flinches                         
When the voice on the phone is Miss Lynch's.                
She expects it to blow                                      
At least four in a row,                                     
For a total of twenty four inches.                          
                                                            
42603 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Albin Chaplin   3024-0447



The weather in Limerick is great;                           
No frosting, no snow as of late.                            
Quite pleasant I'd say,                                     
On a rainy free day,                                        
As the world passes by my front gate.                       
                                                            
42604 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Mul                      



They say, though, that Ireland's so green,                  
And Erm agrees; there she has been.                         
Somewhere there, each day,                                  
The skies grow dark grey,                                   
And rain comes, creating that scene.                        
                                                            
42605 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Tiddy Ogg                



My mum is wrapped in a wet sheet,                           
Entreating my sis, the aesthete,                            
To be less effete                                           
And sprinkle her feet.                                      
This heat spell just makes me feel beat.                    
                                                            
42606 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          H WHELCHEL               



This inconsequential refrain                                
I'm writing awaiting my train;                              
The twenty-to-eight                                         
Into London -- it's late                                    
On account of the rain yet again.                           
                                                            
42607 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Peter Wilkins            



Umbrellas are useless for hail,                             
Which screams down like banshees from Wales.                
We run helter-skelter                                       
But cannot find shelter,                                    
And almost fall onto the rails.                             
                                                            
42608 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Peter Wilkins            



We huddle together and frown                                
Or curse as the rail beateth down;                          
It's half an hour late                                      
Is the twenty-to-eight,                                     
And I won't be surprised if we drown.                       
                                                            
42609 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Peter Wilkins            



The Empire grows once again; in                             
These past days the proof of obtaining                      
Their aim; just one look out                                
The window leaves no doubt.                                 
'Round here it's been constantly raining.                   
                                                            
42610 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Ulla                     



There was an old lady from Dillow,                          
Whose skirts would quite often billow.                      
One day on the street                                       
She was raised off her feet                                 
By the wind, and dropped in a willow.                       
                                                            
42611 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Nithene                  



Oh come now, dear friend, use your brain.                   
This weather report is insane,                              
For Hurricane Gilbert                                       
(That name makes my ears hurt)                              
Should really be called Himmicane!                          
                                                            
42612 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          John Dohner         P8811



My excuse, I should say, is exquisite:                      
A tornado paid us a visit,                                  
Which as you might guess                                    
Left a bit of a mess.                                       
That's not a bad reason, now is it!                         
                                                            
42613 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          John Miller 0029         



I'm lying here without a stitch;                            
Threw off my clothes without a hitch.                       
And that's just as well                                     
'Cause it's hotter than hell.                               
I'd have AC if I was rich.                                  
                                                            
42614 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Marlene Lewis            



The temp is a hundred degree;                               
How quickly it dries-up the pee.                            
While  it  may  be  fine                                    
For Champagne and wine,                                     
The sweat is just pouring off me                            
                                                            
42615 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Oh bugger the grapes, Carol dear;                           
The temperature's 100 F here.                               
And girlies are wearing                                     
Those swimsuits so daring;                                  
A fine view while supping my beer.                          
                                                            
42616 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Out here in the desert we drool;                            
A hundred degrees is just cool,                             
'Cause when it gets hot,                                    
Then a hundred is not                                       
A reason to jump in the pool                                
                                                            
42617 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



It's almost as hot over here,                               
But rarely with sunshine this year.                         
And now once again,                                         
Here comes pouring rain;                                    
A bar room tan, only, I fear.                               
                                                            
42618 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



I'll take you to one of the best                            
Of pubs, Carol.  They'll be impressed.                      
But swimsuits are banned,                                   
They bring with them sand,                                  
Besides, you would be overdressed.                          
                                                            
42619 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Rain and lightning don't cause me to frown,                 
But the icing that brings pilots down                       
Can cause such a fright                                     
That after the flight,                                      
You'll also find stains...but they're brown.                
                                                            
42620 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          John Miller              



Each winter the great Sioux Chief, Bear Paw,                
Says, "I must screw many Sioux squaw;                       
Will shoot my hot arrow                                     
In squaws' straight and narrow;                             
Squaws' screaming will bring on the big thaw!"              
                                                            
42621 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



The cloudy skies had me depressed,                          
But today with sunshine we're blessed.                      
No coat and no sweater,                                     
I do feel much better.                                      
Today I can go out undressed.                               
                                                            
42622 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Tossed by cold flakes as it snows,                          
Radiant smile-kissed with rose,                             
Back, my head's tossed                                      
As the wily Jack Frost                                      
Nips at the tip of my nose.                                 
                                                            
42623 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Jodi B                   



There's thunder and lightning around                        
And it's making a terrible sound.                           
Well, the thunder sure is,                                  
But the lightning goes "whizz"                              
As it bolts from my brain to the ground.                    
                                                            
42624 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Peter Wilkins            



A homely old woman named Jane                               
Was hired by a farmer in Spain                              
To stand in his field                                       
After research revealed                                     
That rain mainly falls on the plain.                        
                                                            
42625 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Lims For Year - 01       



From the largest to small hometown street,                  
Behind our doors, both races retreat.                       
But we can't blame the Klan;                                
It's that mean weatherman.                                  
Who's forecasting more dog days of heat.                    
                                                            
42626 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



The rains just keep coming.  Won't go;                      
Now some of it's turning to snow.                           
In England and Wales,                                       
We've had lots of gales.                                    
The forecast?  The same, don't you know!                    
                                                            
42627 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Janet Barkaway           



The waters don't know where to go,                          
So most rivers just overflow,                               
Into valley and dale,                                       
Where river banks fail,                                     
Flooding houses and farms as gales blow!                    
                                                            
42628 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Janet Barkaway           



I admit, England's weather's unique,                        
And far be it from me to critique.                          
Though is sure isn't Spain                                  
Where the rain's on the plain,                              
Flooded hills are a sight poetique.                         
                                                            
42629 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Ulla                     



It's true floods are causing great pains,                   
Because of monsoonial rains.                                
The problem: the build-                                     
Ers of houses have filled                                   
With concrete the rivers flood-plains.                      
                                                            
42630 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Tiddy Ogg                



'Twas okay in days now gone by,                             
No carpets, no TV, Hi-fi,                                   
So ground floor immersion                                   
From river incursion,                                       
Caused shrugs and a wait until dry.                         
                                                            
42631 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Tiddy Ogg                



A nudist by name Roger Peetie                               
Loved to dance when it snowed and was sleety.               
But one chilly December                                     
He froze every member,                                      
But they thawed when he moved to Tahiti.                    
                                                            
42632 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Arthur Deex         P0107



For weeks we've endured ice cold weather,                   
So bitter that not even leather                             
Would keep out the cold.                                    
But lo and behold,                                          
Today all I need is a feather.                              
                                                            
42633 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Carol                    



I'm waiting for more sunny weather.                         
Maybe if we then get together,                              
I might drop one by one                                     
All clothes I have got on;                                  
All I'll wear won't be more than a feather.                 
                                                            
42634 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Oh, please dear, don't come in your suit.                   
Just give me a jaunty salute.                               
I'm already bare,                                           
And willing to share.                                       
So, ready, take aim and just shoot.                         
                                                            
42635 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



I'm going to play in the snow,                              
Where I might go fast or go slow.                           
So snowmen beware,                                          
I might try it bare.                                        
I'll give an account, blow-by-blow.                         
                                                            
42636 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



I've heard of snow blowers, that's true,                    
But thought not they spoke thus of you.                     
If that is your game,                                       
It's time that I came                                       
In my snowman suit, though I turn blue.                     
                                                            
42637 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



That color of blue is quite nice.                           
But I don't want you cold as ice.                           
No, I want you hot.                                         
My lips on the spot.                                        
A couple of licks should suffice.                           
                                                            
42638 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



In Santa Cruz, on Monterey Bay,                             
A sunset can take your breath away.                         
The colors are great,                                       
Your senses elate                                           
When the sky turns into night from day.                     
                                                            
42639 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Travis Brasell           



The sun is ashinin' today;                                  
The snow is ameltin' away.                                  
That one single flower,                                     
(Thanks to your warm shower)                                
Has bloomed into a sweet bouquet.                           
                                                            
42640 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



There was a snowman in the rain,                            
Felt so odd that he melted again.                           
After that he was wetter,                                   
Although he felt better.                                    
But he soon ended up down the drain.                        
                                                            
42641 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



A "Tornado Watch" we're now under;                          
There's plenty of lightning and thunder;                    
I'll go to my cellar                                        
With Maggie the stellar                                     
Old whore for a blow down asunder.                          
                                                            
42642 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Travis Brasell           



The weather today is amazing;                               
There's wall-to-wall sunshine a-blazing.                    
I wish you good cheer                                       
With this glass of cold beer.                               
Now its back to my garden and lazing.                       
                                                            
42643 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Peter Wilkins            



A white Christmas the songs do extol;                       
The writers do not brave the cold,                          
To scrape and to clean                                      
A windshield opaline,                                       
In the wind when it's thirty below.                         
                                                            
42644 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Azul                     



Tonight here, my dear, it is hot                            
And damp 'cause plain humid it got.                         
Now that would be good                                      
If 'twere just my wood                                      
Gettin' hot and damp in your twat!                          
                                                            
42645 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



So the temp went up a few degrees,                          
And you've got the hot and sweaties.                        
And want a good screw,                                      
But first please won't you,                                 
Wash off that cock full of old cheese?                      
                                                            
42646 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Too soon have I spoke of the weather.                       
On the bright side, it's bound to get better.               
The snow is now falling;                                    
The weather's appalling,                                    
And my hands, they look like old leather.                   
                                                            
42647 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Mul                      



The snow that became freezing rain,                         
Has power lines under a strain.                             
And soon, I am thinking,                                    
('Cause my lights are blinking,)                            
A cold and dark night once again.                           
                                                            
42648 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Carol                    



Did someone out there call my name?                         
If so it's really a shame.                                  
I'm buried below                                            
All this fucking snow,                                      
And it's made my brain go lame.                             
                                                            
42649 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Jon Gearhart             



A hot day, my uncle in town,                                
Perspiring most free from his crown.                        
On a bench there he sat,                                    
And took off his hat,                                       
On replacement he found a half-crown.                       
                                                            
42650 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Virginia's weather is truly the best,                       
Be you in the east or the west.                             
But it's only this sweet                                    
For maybe a week;                                           
Too hot or too cold is the rest.                            
                                                            
42651 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Karen                    



So I try to get out of here                                 
To the islands I love so dear,                              
In winter, for sure,                                        
So I needn't endure                                         
The blowy and snowy I fear.                                 
                                                            
42652 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Karen                    



The rooster on the roof quickly shows                       
All of the ways the wind blows.                             
Morning, noon, and night,                                   
He is always right,                                         
Though he never bleats, boasts or crows.                    
                                                            
42653 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Al Cape Town             



In Wyoming, wind does not blow.                             
The residents want you to know                              
That Nebraska sucks                                         
And it's full of schmucks.                                  
Check the pattern of the airflow.                           
                                                            
42654 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Marlene                  



How the wind blows to and fro,                              
Dragging the leaves as it goes.                             
Stirring the dust                                           
And my skirt as it must;                                    
Cold as a stab stiletto.                                    
                                                            
42655 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Azul                     



When you mention "the wind", I don't think                  
Of the weather, instead just a stink;                       
Cabbage and peas,                                           
Baked beans and cheese,                                     
Are the thoughts with the wind that I link!                 
                                                            
42656 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Jayne                    



Gas bags infecting the air                                  
With a stench so much harder to bear.                       
Political hacks                                             
Who lie, spend and tax!                                     
That wind from D.C. I'd beware.                             
                                                            
42657 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Tutta Gioia              



The professor procedes to instruct                          
How the nature of storms we duduct,                         
And he states winds will blow                               
From high pressure to low,                                  
But the wind doesn't blow -- it is sucked.                  
                                                            
42658 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Albin Chaplin   3024-2626



Here's a truth that applies without fail:                   
If you jog or you cycle or sail,                            
The wind's never blowing                                    
The way that you're going --                                
In your face, never hard on your tail.                      
                                                            
42659 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          William N Nesbit         



A fat, lazy girl called Jill,                               
Lived on a hill near Brill.                                 
She'd sit on her trolley                                    
And open her brolly,                                        
And the wind would blow her up the hill.                    
                                                            
42660 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER                                   



Meterologist Al Nino is bad --                              
Swapping climates of Juneau and Chad.                       
The sign on his van                                         
Says Weidoughiourx Man --                                   
That's the worst spell of weather we've had.                
                                                            
42661 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Arthur Deex         P9807



Is snow really white after falling?                         
Sight of yellow is surely appalling.                        
We shovel and sweep it,                                     
Try our best to heap it,                                    
But the color is changed.  Just galling!                    
(1st rule of skiing - Don't eat yellow snow!)               
42662 METEOROLOGY - WEATHER          Oxymoronic Fem           



Has our government quite lost its wits                      
In allotting such quarters to Fritz?                        
Would it not have looked better                             
While housing a debtor,                                     
To alter its name to 'The Writs'?                           
(Krauts trying to get rid of war debts)                     
42663 MONEY                          Beaumains         (Bibby)



When it comes to retiring accounts payable,                 
I wish it were infinitely delayable;                        
For then I could keep                                       
All the cash that I reap,                                   
And add to my wealth day-by-dayable.                        
                                                            
42664 MONEY                                                   



The auditor schemes and he counts,                          
As he enters the sums in accounts.                          
And he juggles so clever                                    
That no person can ever                                     
Tell what's his or is mine or amounts.                      
                                                            
42665 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin   3024-2524



Come auto license renewal                                   
For insurance, see your agent who'll                        
Aid in wise selection                                       
Of no-fault protection.                                     
Who will pay through the nose?  You'll.                     
                                                            
42666 MONEY                          Dorman John Grace   P9412



Some people there are with a bent                           
To save every dime and red cent,                            
But this rule does not stick                                
To a pussy or prick,                                        
Which feels better when they are spent.                     
                                                            
42667 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin   3024-1947



The moral of many a tale,                                   
Is to be careful of things for sale.                        
They may seem real cheap,                                   
But can get you in deep.                                    
So next time forget it and bail!                            
                                                            
42668 MONEY                          George Apostol           



I will give to Group "A" charity,                           
If the head man drives Chevies, like me.                    
If he drives a Ferrari,                                     
Then I am, oh, so sorry,                                    
And I'll check out the head of Group "B".                   
                                                            
42669 MONEY                          William N Nesbit    P0107



Said long-confirmed celibate, Virge,                        
"It curbs all my urges to merge,                            
When I think of some honey                                  
Grabbing chunks of my money,                                
And starting in earnest to splurge."                        
                                                            
42670 MONEY                          Armand E Singer       369



What profiles on our coins (there are many)                 
Face the east like the Lincoln penny.                       
You can search day and night,                               
But none face the right.                                    
I am sure you will not find any.                            
                                                            
42671 MONEY                          Tom Patton          P9902



In Canada we have colorful money,                           
But for wives, it's not really funny.                       
We can not excuse                                           
Saying we were confused                                     
Taking 100 instead of 10, Honey?                            
                                                            
42672 MONEY                                                   



A banker in Fairview called Sonny                           
Jacked off in the vault.  Kind of funny!                    
When caught and asked why,                                  
He said in reply,                                           
"I wanted to come into money."                              
                                                            
42673 MONEY                          Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An old southern whore known as Honey                        
Does something that strikes me as funny.                    
She thinks the South won,                                   
So when we have fun,                                        
I pay her Confederate money.                                
(David M)                                                   
42674 MONEY                          Worlds Best Dirty L P0202



The foreign investor Gizzard                                
Strung C-notes together by the yard.                        
The foreign exchange                                        
Didn't find it too strange;                                 
His currency, also, was hard.                               
                                                            
42675 MONEY                                                   



We live in a time of recession;                             
The media creates that impression.                          
It's no time to drink,                                      
But to talk and to think,                                   
And raise yourself from your depression.                    
                                                            
42676 MONEY                          Arthur Pattaffy          



Kids today think an afternoon session,                      
With a video game's, a tough lesson.                        
But so coddled and spoiled,                                 
Never worried or toiled,                                    
Could they ever survive a Depression?                       
                                                            
42677 MONEY                          Mary M. Walker      P9208



While stolling in Mayfair I found                           
A young Hook, so I said, "Fool around?"                     
She said, "No hanky-panky.                                  
No tricks with a Yankee,                                    
The dollar's too weak vs the pound."                        
                                                            
42678 MONEY                          Theo Heller         P9210



In the course of recurrent events                           
There is seldom heard very much sense;                      
Though the points in contention                             
Include those you mention,                                  
The bottom line's dollars and cents.                        
                                                            
42679 MONEY                          Laurence Perrine    P8607



You guys'll be changing your tunes,                         
When you witness all the girls' swoons,                     
And their licking of lips,                                  
And swiveling of hips,                                      
When they spy my roll of doubloons.                         
                                                            
42680 MONEY                          Cyber Wizard             



You may think your doubloons are great;                     
Makes a nice piece of ass be your mate.                     
But don't slip them in,                                     
'Til you've checked out the bin --                          
You don't know what some pieces have ate.                   
                                                            
42681 MONEY                          Cyber Wizard             



If you really think that it's best,                         
I'll put my doubloons to a rest.                            
'Stead of doubloon dibbling,                                
My love I'm soon nibbling                                   
On the tips of her sweet treasured chest.                   
                                                            
42682 MONEY                          Cyber Wizard             



Some good friends of mine from L.A.                         
Bought into a gold mine, they say.                          
They expect a cash cow,                                     
But it looks as though now,                                 
They really just bought a cliche.                           
                                                            
42683 MONEY                          Monique de Plume   TP9802



I am weighing a shrewd proposition                          
From a Mensan, a master logician.                           
A live bait shop, says he,                                  
In Death Valley will be                                     
A bonanza!  There's no competition.                         
                                                            
42684 MONEY                          Don Moore           P0106



As an American I wish to say,                               
We will use anything any way.                               
We are quite inventive.                                     
Our greatest incentive?                                     
'Cause we can and we're earning our pay.                    
                                                            
42685 MONEY                          Karen                    



The economy's starting to crawl,                            
So interest rates have to fall.                             
The way things are going,                                   
No one will be owing;                                       
Soon there'll be no interest at all.                        
                                                            
42686 MONEY                          Tony Burrell             



LUCRE, some folks like to mock it.                          
Even as they plot to stock it.                              
It's filthy, I'm bound,                                     
Especially when found,                                      
Deep in another man's pocket.                               
                                                            
42687 MONEY                          Chris Papa               



Ms Susan B Anthony's niece                                  
Insisted the rumors must cease.                             
But Congress, quite jaunty,                                 
Immortalized Auntie --                                      
America's First Dollar Piece.                               
                                                            
42688 MONEY                          Arthur Deex         P0112



If you "go with the flow" you will be                       
Oh so happy, delighted, and free.                           
Since changing to Euros                                     
That adage now goes:                                        
"You'd be wiser to follow the current, see!"                
                                                            
42689 MONEY                                                   



Here's a pick-up line better than honey;                    
It's not clever, nor witty, nor funny.                      
But it works every time,                                    
'Stead of 'Your place or mine?'                             
Try 'Want to help me spend some money?'                     
                                                            
42690 MONEY                          KJ                       



There was a young fellow named Senna,                       
Who was happy on finding a tenner.                          
But an unruly Scot                                          
Who'd reached the same spot,                                
Said, "Ya touch that, I'll kill ya. Ya ken, eh?"            
                                                            
42691 MONEY                          Jim Weaver Collection    



To show you how gas prices soar                             
So fast that we cannot keep score;                          
I pumped in ten bucks.                                      
The clerk said, "Aw shucks!                                 
Since pumping, you owe us ten more!"                        
                                                            
42692 MONEY                          Travis Brasell           



A coin dealer who'd buy, sell and barter,                   
Was a Judo Black Belt named Joe Carter.                     
When a numismatist                                          
From him coins tried to twist,                              
He was beaten and given no quarter.                         
                                                            
42693 MONEY                          Loren Fitzhugh           



Our gold is a subject of mirth --                           
Men dig it for all that they're worth.                      
And right after it's mined,                                 
Into bars it's refined,                                     
And then buried right back in the earth.                    
                                                            
42694 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin   3024-2708



Big oil companies commit a crime                            
When a barrel of crude ups a dime.                          
They are nobody's fools                                     
As they price their fuels                                   
Ten cents higher, each gallon, same time.                   
                                                            
42695 MONEY                          Tom Patton          P9606



Hurrah for a great GDP!                                     
Our economy's gone on a spree.                              
Despite leaders droll,                                      
It stays on a roll.                                         
(Hope a bit of it rubs off on me!)                          
(GDP - gross domestic product)                              
42696 MONEY                          John Miller 0320         



The bank statement's here and I dread;                      
I think I will leave it unread.                             
But on second thought, no:                                  
Better peek, (SHIT!) told you so!;                          
I spy great big numbers in red.                             
                                                            
42697 MONEY                          Peter Wilkins            



Just get a program called Quicken;                          
Even with a brain that has thicken'                         
It easily shows                                             
Where all money goes.                                       
And just where your funds you've been stickin'.             
                                                            
42698 MONEY                          Arkeylimepieden          



Now you can examine each facet                              
Of your body and your greatest asset,                       
Of which you do boast.                                      
Hire it out for the most                                    
You can get, for not one can surpass it.                    
                                                            
42699 MONEY                          Tiddy Ogg                



A man from the Federal Reserve, he                          
Once made a remark I found funny.                           
"A billion saved here                                       
And there, it is clear                                      
Will eventually add up to real money."                      
                                                            
42700 MONEY                          Jim Weaver Collection    



On the lottery a friend won some money,                     
And what makes the story so funny,                          
Is that he lost his ticket.                                 
Did somebody nick it?                                       
Or was is chewed up by a bunny.                             
                                                            
42701 MONEY                          Funny Bone               



A gal from the north of Bombay                              
Had unusual good luck today.                                
Whilst passing a thicket,                                   
She found a winning ticket;                                 
She'll spend the money without delay.                       
                                                            
42702 MONEY                          Jim Weaver Collection    



The fellows who work in Fort Knox                           
Have gold flowing out of their cocks;                       
And the ladies, behold,                                     
Go out panning for gold,                                    
Using methods quite heterodox.                              
                                                            
42703 MONEY                          Hugh Oliver         A055B



You're a guy with whom I agree;                             
It's good to have some charity.                             
Don't spend it all;                                         
I'll give you a call.                                       
My favorite charity's me.                                   
                                                            
42704 MONEY                          Jim Weaver Collection    



A man told a beggar named Pettit,                           
"If I've cash tomorrow, you'll get it!"                     
Said Pettit, "I've learned                                  
That a guy can get burned...                                
I'm sorry, but I don't give credit!"                        
                                                            
42705 MONEY                          Observer                 



No-Fault by State Farm or All State--                       
No matter how worded, all state--                           
From annual profit                                          
A small section off it                                      
To you, the insured, we'll rebate.                          
                                                            
42706 MONEY                          Irving Superior     P9412



Jack reported an auto collision,                            
And then asked the adjuster's decision.                     
He was told that the crash                                  
Qualified for no cash,                                      
Without subjecting his fault to revision.                   
                                                            
42707 MONEY                          Thomas G. Keller    P9412



My life has appealing allurance;                            
I feel that I have the endurance.                           
I could make my employment                                  
The pursuit of enjoyment,                                   
But I cannot afford the insurance.                          
                                                            
42708 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin   3024-2423



Though plans for the surplus are many,                      
I think that there's no need for any.                       
'Twixt the boys on the Hill                                 
And my buddy Bill,                                          
They'll piss away every last penny.                         
                                                            
42709 MONEY                                                   



There was an old miser of Kent,                             
Who saved every nickel and cent.                            
He would save everything,                                   
Even pieces of string,                                      
But felt good when his pecker was spent.                    
                                                            
42710 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin   3024-2138



Lots of men seem very merry,                                
With riches PECUNIARY.                                      
But money ain't all                                         
That makes you feel tall;                                   
Coming death should make us wary.                           
                                                            
42711 MONEY                          Larry                    



Said a little old lady named Purity,                        
Who had bet on a maiden futurity,                           
"No, I won't have to borrow,                                
For the check comes tomorrow;                               
Thank heavens for Social Security!"                         
                                                            
42712 MONEY                          Cyber Geezer             



It's no good you guys getting old;                          
Your future is not paved with gold.                         
It may make you blue,                                       
There's no pension for you;                                 
The financial future looks cold.                            
                                                            
42713 MONEY                          Tony Burrell             



Those of us who are old right now,                          
Are spending your future, and how!                          
It may leave you bereft;                                    
There will be none left;                                    
No cash in the bank to endow.                               
                                                            
42714 MONEY                          Tony Burrell             



You're spending our pensions, it's true,                    
But we're not worried what we will do.                      
For I'll bring the stone                                    
And the sweet Marylebone,                                   
And we'll cobble you into the stew.                         
                                                            
42715 MONEY                          Dennis Hammes            



Stosh had won! And he stashed it away                       
On advice of a sharp CPA,                                   
Who had made it quite clear,                                
"If invested each year,                                     
It will grow to a trillion some day!"                       
(Polish lottery pays $1 for one million years)              
42716 MONEY                          William N Nesbit    P0012



The Poles think their lottery is great;                     
They've sold millions of tickets to date.                   
Says Stosh with a smile,                                    
"So it takes a long while -                                 
I'll be leaving a darned big estate."                       
                                                            
42717 MONEY                          Tom Patton          P0012



The ticket I bought at Friar Tucks,                         
Worth three hundred million green buck$,                    
Ain't worth shit I say,                                     
On post drawing day,                                        
'Cause Powerball Lottery sucks.                             
                                                            
42718 MONEY                                                   



Some Washington folks from D.C.                             
Try to give away everything free.                           
Should they run out of money                                
That would really be funny --                               
Since they'll just print more on the QT.                    
(I'm afraid they will give away me!)                        
42719 MONEY                          Arthur Deex         P2005



As godfather you know that you must                         
Put plenty of money in trust.                               
Then the child, to be sure,                                 
Will never be poor,                                         
And never have to beg for a crust.                          
                                                            
42720 MONEY                          Jules                    



A man with an index-linked nose                             
Said, "Look how the goddamned thing grows.                  
It keeps swelling as well,                                  
By this you can tell,                                       
How the rate of inflation goes."                            
                                                            
42721 MONEY                          Spike Mulligan           



A couple of brothers, the Bassets,                          
Amongst all their various assets,                           
Was a jewelry store                                         
Making profits galore,                                      
Selling gemstones with intricate facets.                    
                                                            
42722 MONEY                          Cap'n Bean          P0106



Safe's opened; a fumble of keys;                            
And cash floats away on the breeze,                         
To woods over the way,                                      
Confucius he say:                                           
That money just might grow on trees.                        
                                                            
42723 MONEY                          Tiddy Ogg                



So thanks for your kind punchy praise;                      
My spirits you gave quite a raise.                          
I know this is rash,                                        
But please sent me cash,                                    
In buckets and barrows and trays.                           
                                                            
42724 MONEY                          Jim Weaver Collection    



I once had a girlfriend named Rosie;                        
When we snuggled up, it was cosy.                           
When she asked about money,                                 
That wasn't so funny;                                       
In fact I thought it was too nosey.                         
                                                            
42725 MONEY                          Arthur Pattaffy          



Out shopping, my wife and I went.                           
To spend all my dough, her intent.                          
I said with sarcasm,                                        
"It's like an orgasm.                                       
She spent and she spent and she spent!"                     
                                                            
42726 MONEY                          Jim Weaver Collection    



I work all night while you sleep                            
And the price I get paid is quite steep.                    
'Cause I get a shift diff                                   
And it makes my dick stiff,                                 
While all of my colleagues just weep.                       
                                                            
42727 MONEY                          Oddo Vo Schlong     T9801



About sixty years in the past                               
Congress played loose and fast                              
Giving Social Security                                      
To those of long Maturity,                                  
And now they tell us it won't last.                         
                                                            
42728 MONEY                                                   



There was a slum dweller named Mahler                       
Whose assets were barely a dollar.                          
He was happy to be                                          
In the land of the free,                                    
But he lived in great misery and squalor.                   
                                                            
42729 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin            



Supermarket shopping: a day fully spent,                    
Armed with a list and full of intent.                       
To buy what you need,                                       
Not to buy things from greed.                               
At the till do you know where cash went?                    
                                                            
42730 MONEY                          Arthur Pattaffy          



It says in your old Econ text,                              
When demand soars, the thing you do next                    
Is to jack up the prices,                                   
Get rich from the crises --                                 
For the rest of your life you'll be fixed.                  
                                                            
42731 MONEY                          Dr Limerick              



Our leader one time did declare                             
That all must get fair share and square.                    
Who can swallow such whoppers;                              
It takes one thousand paupers                               
Just to make just one millionaire.                          
                                                            
42732 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin            



I've turned all my assets to gold,                          
For I fear a recession's foretold.                          
But this nugget I've got,                                   
Is the size of the dot                                      
At the end of this stanza.  Behold!                         
                                                            
42733 MONEY                          Peter Wilkins            



Great concentrations of wealth                              
Are bad for society's health;                               
We're turning the page                                      
Back to the gilded age,                                     
And doing so mainly by stealth.                             
                                                            
42734 MONEY                          Dr Limerick  05-29-02    



Exxon's spokesman said, "You think we care                  
If the price at the pump isn't fair?                        
All the drivers may whine,                                  
But it's our bottom line--                                  
So we charge all the market will bear."                     
                                                            
42735 MONEY                          William N. Nesbit   P9606



The wife of a fellow named Lee,                             
In shopping, went out on a spree;                           
In a mad, reckless dash,                                    
She spent all of their cash,                                
And I'm happy her husband ain't me!                         
                                                            
42736 MONEY                          Cap'n Bean          P0108



There was a young lady named Astor                          
Whose husband was shot by a blaster.                        
But she was not shook,                                      
For she wrote a fat book,                                   
And made capital out of disaster.                           
                                                            
42737 MONEY                          Albin Chaplin   3024-2427



We have strange ways of judging a crime                     
And our justice lacks reason and rhyme.                     
For the robber of banks                                     
Goes to jail for his pranks,                                
While the founder of banks serves no time.                  
                                                            
42738 MONEY - BANKS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2527



A man who banked at Coots                                   
Was in rags and had no boots.                               
When he asked for a loan,                                   
They let out a groan,                                       
Because banks don't care two bloody hoots.                  
                                                            
42739 MONEY - BANKS                  Spike Mulligan           



"I would like to open an account,                           
And deposit a substantial amout.                            
I'll speak with the Pres.,                                  
And see what he says,                                       
To 200 grand -- he can count."                              
                                                            
42740 MONEY - BANKS                  Stephen Ross             



Says the Prez, "Where'd you get the dough?                  
It's amazing but I have to know!"                           
Says the lady -- "I bet!                                    
It's all legal, don't fret;                                 
If you'd like to beat me -- let's go!"                      
                                                            
42741 MONEY - BANKS                  Stephen Ross             



"OK," says the Prez, "What's the deal?"                     
"Here's the bet," she said, "sign and seal:                 
Your balls will be square                                   
When your standing there                                    
Tomorrow... I'll just take a feel."                         
                                                            
42742 MONEY - BANKS                  Stephen Ross             



Now the Prez know his balls won't be square,                
So he agrees and he signs then and there.                   
They agree to the rules                                     
On the shape of his jewels,                                 
And both parties agree that it's fair.                      
                                                            
42743 MONEY - BANKS                  Stephen Ross             



They meet the next morning to see                           
If square his balls really be.                              
Of course they are round                                    
And perfectly sound,                                        
But the old girl observes them with glee.                   
                                                            
42744 MONEY - BANKS                  Stephen Ross             



"I've brought my lawyer," she said,                         
"To keep legal the black and the red,"                      
But the lawyer's upset                                      
By the old ladies debt,                                     
And he starts in just banging his head.                     
                                                            
42745 MONEY - BANKS                  Stephen Ross             



The Prez says, "Watch out for my walls!"                    
The lady she turns and she calls,                           
"He's 250 in debt;                                          
He just lost a bet                                          
That I'd have the Prez by the balls!"                       
                                                            
42746 MONEY - BANKS                  Stephen Ross             



I once had a checking account                               
And overdrew the amount.                                    
I had a bad day --                                          
The bank wouldn't pay --                                    
When I learned bouncing checks makes a mount.               
                                                            
42747 MONEY - BANKS                  Robert Grob              



Since then I have quite writing checks,                     
But notice the gov' smart alecks                            
The lesson have spurned.                                    
They still haven't learned                                  
That rubber economy wrecks.                                 
                                                            
42748 MONEY - BANKS                  Robert Grob              



Goodbye to pesetas and francs;                              
To punts and escudos, no thanks.                            
I'll miss all the fun                                       
Changing lira at one                                        
Hundred thousand to the penny in banks.                     
                                                            
42749 MONEY - BANKS                  Peter Wilkins            



What with diet fads making the rounds,                      
It neither shocks nor astounds,                             
That with proclivitIes                                      
For wild derivities,                                        
That old Barrings did drop a few pounds.                    
(Barrings bank dropped a billion in currency exchange)      
42750 MONEY - BANKS                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9504



She worked in a bank at the mall;                           
I took her home one day to ball.                            
The deposit was made                                        
But I was, I'm afraid --                                    
Penal-ized for early withdrawal.                            
                                                            
42751 MONEY - BANKS                                           



I don't use the bank ATM;                                   
Can't get satisfaction from them.                           
I just cash my check                                        
In person, by heck.                                         
The young teller there is a gem!                            
                                                            
42752 MONEY - BANKS                                           



A frog called the bank for a loan.                          
Pat Black really gave him good phone!                       
The terms she recited                                       
Got him all excited --                                      
Pat really gave that frog a bone.                           
(goddamn Frenchmen)                                         
42753 MONEY - BANKS                  Marlene Lewis            



How much do I have in the bank?                             
My memory of this is now blank.                             
I must now presume                                          
That it's up in my room.                                    
I'll shake it and judge by the clank.                       
                                                            
42754 MONEY - BANKS                  Al Willis           T9801



J P Morgan with schnozzola nose.                            
Big elsewhere?  His brain we suppose.                       
Big bold deals, he'd foresee 'em.                           
Now his home's a museum --                                  
Sumptuous sanctum enchants friends and foes.                
                                                            
42755 MONEY - BANKS                  Esther Koch         P0204



A loan please?  But Lloyd's said, "No thanks."              
Said Barclay's: "It's one of your pranks.                   
No way."  What to do?                                       
Turned down by those two;                                   
Like a river, I'm trapped between banks.                    
                                                            
42756 MONEY - BANKS                  Tiddy Ogg                



A studious lady convincible                                 
That her studies would make her invincible,                 
In her courses on banking                                   
Maintained the top ranking;                                 
Her main interest, of course, was the principal.            
                                                            
42757 MONEY - BANKS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2520



My overdraft threatens to be                                
Detrimental to sound industry.                              
I surrender all claim                                       
That stands in my name;                                     
Mr. Banker, I trust you'll agree.                           
                                                            
42758 MONEY - BANKS                  S Tonkin                 



My bank sent a note before dawn                             
Stating, "Matey, you're well overdrawn."                    
As I stared at the figure,                                  
(six digits or bigger)                                      
I went back to bed with a yawn.                             
                                                            
42759 MONEY - BANKS                  Peter Wilkins            



A smart clerk with an evil design,                          
With vanishing ink a check signs.                           
The bank, quick on the take,                                
An arrest soon did make.                                    
The clerk was then told to resign.  (re-sign -- got it?)    
                                                            
42760 MONEY - BANKS                  Gunjan Saraf             



Said the banker to customer Schmeck,                        
"You're in trouble right up to your neck!                   
Your account's overdrawn!"                                  
Says Schmeck "Funds all gone?                               
No problem, I'll write you a check."                        
                                                            
42761 MONEY - BANKS                  Observer                 



If you're rich, but see bankruptcy coming,                  
With the din of your creditors drumming,                    
The homestead exemption --                                  
A Florida mansion --                                        
Keeps your nest egg alive, well, and humming.               
                                                            
42762 MONEY - BROKE                  Dr Limerick              



I went to the Bankruptcy Court.                             
What assets do debtors purport                              
They do not still hold?                                     
Not silver or gold,                                         
Those aren't on the asset report.                           
                                                            
42763 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



They've listed a couch and a chair;                         
They must be a devious pair.                                
They have no TV?                                            
This I have to see;                                         
Been living like some millionaire!                          
                                                            
42764 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The creditor covets his buck;                               
I think he is shit out of luck.                             
The Debtor's big money                                      
And some little honey,                                      
Ran off to the Island of Truk.                              
                                                            
42765 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The Debtor's wife might rat him out,                        
If I tell her 'bout Honey, no doubt.                        
She will want her share,                                    
And not just the chair.                                     
She'll give him a rolling-pin clout!                        
                                                            
42766 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The Court Information Exchange                              
Works in ways exceedingly strange.                          
Its one special vice?                                       
It does not like mice.                                      
The keyboard, it uses full-range.                           
                                                            
42767 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The screen said it's searching for cases,                   
So, I just sat there pulling faces.                         
I'm cross-eyes and mad.                                     
I think I've been had;                                      
Send me on some wild goose chases!                          
                                                            
42768 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh, what a spot to be in;                                   
I blew all my dough C. O. D.'in.                            
Then I lavished the girls                                   
With diamonds and pearls,                                   
And I haven't a pot to pee in.                              
                                                            
42769 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young teacher named Nash                        
Who stated a theory not rash.                               
He said people did sicken                                   
And were poverty stricken,                                  
At the time when they ran out of cash.                      
                                                            
42770 MONEY - BROKE                  Albin Chaplin            



There was a young girl called Hortense,                     
Endowed with more money than sense.                         
When a guy she called Sunny                                 
Conned her out of her money,                                
There went all her pounds and her pence.                    
                                                            
42771 MONEY - BROKE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



I once had a great aunt named Maud,                         
Who lost all her fortune by fraud.                          
She once had a lot                                          
But now she has not;                                        
She lost it to the one she adored.                          
                                                            
42772 MONEY - BROKE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



To pay for the high cost of fuels                           
I took out two mortgage renewals;                           
Don't laugh -- it ain't funny;                              
And now for more money                                      
I'm selling my family jewels!                               
                                                            
42773 MONEY - BROKE                                           



Are your jewels all 24K?                                    
Please lay them out here for display.                       
Give us a look see,                                         
So we can agree,                                            
On a rock bottom price here today.                          
                                                            
42774 MONEY - BROKE                                           



My jewel bag holds a collection                             
Too great for a quick-peek inspection;                      
Let's enlarge your case                                     
To give it more space;                                      
Will you help me do the erection?                           
                                                            
42775 MONEY - BROKE                                           



His family jewels, I am sure,                               
Are clean and they're sparkling and pure.                   
But what if they're not?                                    
What if they've the rot?                                    
Then you'd need a medicinal cure.                           
                                                            
42776 MONEY - BROKE                                           



I used to sing on the dole;                                 
A pasttime that soon took its toll.                         
'Twasn't at all funny                                       
To be without money,                                        
Stuck in a deep financial hole.                             
                                                            
42777 MONEY - BROKE                  Funny Bone               



Won the lottery!  So Cindi Sue                              
Threw big parties, was generous, too.                       
Gave her fortune away!                                      
Now what do her friends say?                                
"The name don't ring a bell. Cindi who?"                    
                                                            
42778 MONEY - BROKE                  Bill Nesbit         P0205



An angry young housewife from Kent                          
Said, "I'm broke; I haven't a cent.                         
I just made two stops                                       
In a couple of shops --                                     
And I'm dashed if I know where it went".                    
                                                            
42779 MONEY - BROKE                  Anon                     



Is it me or the nature of money                             
That's odd and peculiarly funny;                            
For when I have dough,                                      
It goes quickly, you know,                                  
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.                     
                                                            
42780 MONEY - BROKE                  Peter Wilkins            



There was a young couple from Grambling,                    
The wife was well known for her rambling.                   
The husband they say,                                       
Last week ran away;                                         
He lost all their money while gambling                      
                                                            
42781 MONEY - BROKE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Economist theories expound                                  
Of how coins are made round to go 'round.                   
But if a few more                                           
Came 'round to my door,                                     
My position once more would be sound.                       
                                                            
42782 MONEY - BROKE                  Robert Maxwell           



Yesterday I was off work, ill;                              
I had just got my winter gas bill.                          
They say I owe a lot                                        
'Cause I like my house hot,                                 
And now my bank balance shows nil!                          
                                                            
42783 MONEY - BROKE                                           



When the catalogue arrived through the mail,                
It had plenty of items for sale.                            
I leafed through the pages,                                 
But I believed in my sages;                                 
Without cash, my son, it's no avail.                        
                                                            
42784 MONEY - BROKE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



My checkbook has turned a bright red;                       
I'm getting in over my head!                                
Haven't balanced my books,                                  
But just by the looks                                       
Of the numbers, my credit is dead!                          
                                                            
42785 MONEY - BROKE                  Runningonmt              



If you want to get out of the red,                          
Take the bank's CEO to your bed;                            
And then whisper the news                                   
That you'll pay off your dues                               
In installments, by giving him head.                        
                                                            
42786 MONEY - BROKE                                           



But what if he tells me today                               
That he really wants a good lay                             
Do I send him the bill                                      
So my debt could be nil,                                    
And agree when he asks me to stay?                          
                                                            
42787 MONEY - BROKE                                           



No, I think that first she must offer                       
A "taste" 'fore he'll open his coffer.                      
She must nibble his head,                                   
Then go lie on the bed                                      
So he'll sample, then pay, and then boff her.               
                                                            
42788 MONEY - BROKE                  ROE                      



When Hubby's retiring affair,                               
His wife said, "Honey, I declare                            
On just what they give,                                     
We barely will live,                                        
And not have one dime we can spare.                         
                                                            
42789 MONEY - BROKE                  Burmah Teague            



Bad times I'm afraid, m'dear friends.                       
Awfully hard, I must say, to make ends                      
Meet. I've spent my dough                                   
On a floozy y'know,                                         
And I might have to ask you for yens.                       
                                                            
42790 MONEY - BROKE                                           



I have not enough cash for the rent;                        
The money I had is all spent.                               
Like a river fast flowing,                                  
The money kept going,                                       
I shall have to stop living for lent.                       
                                                            
42791 MONEY - BROKE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Now there's one that sure caught my eye!                    
It's one that I would like to try                           
For soothing my nuts,                                       
Soon after young sluts                                      
Offer goods that I'm too broke to buy...                    
                                                            
42792 MONEY - BROKE                                           



Oh I'd love to live near Adrigole                           
And draw fifty a week on the dole,                          
And to hear the birds sing                                  
And the waterfalls ring                                     
And a big cosy fire of free coal.                           
                                                            
42793 MONEY - BROKE                  Linda Marsh Coll         



There once was a man they called Chuck,                     
Who was constantly needing a buck.                          
When asking for money,                                      
They looked at him funny,                                   
And told him he's shit out of luck.                         
                                                            
42794 MONEY - BROKE                  Chuck Golding            



My unemployed father named Gus                              
And our family lived in an old bus.                         
And I knew for sure                                         
That we were dirt poor,                                     
When the rats always left food for us.                      
                                                            
42795 MONEY - BROKE                  Tom Patton               



I was once a rich young jetsetter;                          
Now I'm cash poor, broke, and a debtor.                     
You ask for my advice?                                      
Being poor is not nice;                                     
Being rich is decidedly better.                             
                                                            
42796 MONEY - BROKE                  William N Nesbit         



There are some that say adages lie,                         
But one of those scoffers ain't I,                          
'Cause bullshit will walk,                                  
And money can talk,                                         
Though, alack, what is says is goodbye.                     
                                                            
42797 MONEY - BROKE                                           



There was a young fellow called Gene,                       
Who frequently hadn't a bean.                               
He liked not unemployment;                                  
He loved his enjoyment;                                     
'Twas his lifestyle since he was fifteen.                   
                                                            
42798 MONEY - BROKE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



As my wallet continually plumps,                            
The money right out of it jumps.                            
I've spent all I made                                       
And nothing's been saved,                                   
So I'm looking around for some chumps.                      
                                                            
42799 MONEY - BROKE                                           



I cannot much longer afford                                 
A broker who's out of his gourd.                            
With my money he chanced                                    
An attempt to finance                                       
Several sporting goods centers in Lourdes,                  
                                                            
42800 MONEY - BROKE                  Keith Gilman        P0106



My sweetheart and I are just wed;                           
Already I wish I were dead.                                 
Two weeks she's been spending;                              
It was time neverending;                                    
We are thousands of pounds in the red.                      
                                                            
42801 MONEY - BROKE                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A man, one time wealthy, confessed                          
What led to his staus depressed.                            
He spent money on cars,                                     
And on women in bars,                                       
And he foolishly wasted the rest.                           
                                                            
42802 MONEY - BROKE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2516



With women and horses I'm cursed.                           
At least the gals usually come first.                       
But they don't want to know,                                
Now I'm clean out of dough,                                 
And so I'm in sorrow immersed.                              
                                                            
42803 MONEY - BROKE                                           



A bum asked me, "Give me a ten?                             
Till payday." I asked him, "That's when?"                   
And he looked at me slow,                                   
And he said, "I don't know,                                 
You're the one who is working again!"                       
                                                            
42804 MONEY - BROKE                  Ystap                    



There once was a woman from Budapest,                       
Who had treasures inside of her vest.                       
With her boobs you could play                               
If you promised to pay,                                     
But she'd not take American Express.                        
                                                            
42805 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Marlene Lewis or Puffadd 



My credit card statement is due.                            
I know it will make me feel blue;                           
At least for a time                                         
'Til I've dashed off a rhyme                                
Saying, "Fuck you; I'm bankrupt, go screw."                 
                                                            
42806 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS                                    



Well; fuck you; I'm bankrupt; go screw.                     
But wait just a second are you                              
That horny young lass                                       
In my final year class,                                     
Who liked sucking my knob-end for goo?                      
                                                            
42807 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS                                    



There was a young woman from Venus,                         
Whose credit card bill was heinous.                         
When asked to pay,                                          
She said "No way!                                           
Instead I'll just hobnob your penis!"                       
                                                            
42808 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Joe Long                 



There was a young woman from Venus,                         
Who's credit card bill was heinous.                         
When asked to pay,                                          
She said: "No way,                                          
For I've godda no cash in my jeanas!"                       
                                                            
42809 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS                                    



In young Carrie, my rod I could bury,                       
After concluding our talks monetary.                        
"Can I use Master Card credit                               
To settle this debit?"                                      
"So sorry sir, cash and Carrie."                            
                                                            
42810 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS                                    



It's easy to shop till you drop,                            
Sending credit cards over the top --                        
And it's easy as heck                                       
To write a bad check,                                       
But even that'd not make me stop!                           
                                                            
42811 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS                                    



Mary Ann saw a dress so fantastic!                          
But the salesclerk was rude and sarcastic.                  
She said, "Madame, today                                    
Your hard cash is passe--                                   
This fine shop accepts only hard plastic."                  
                                                            
42812 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           William N. Nesbit   P9703



A man had a harlot from Kent                                
A credit card he did present.                               
She billed him in a flash,                                  
But for those who paid cash,                                
She gave discounts of twenty percent.                       
                                                            
42813 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Albin Chaplin 3024  P8707



Economically with money of plastic,                         
Buying goods is a pleasure fantastic.                       
With a little white card,                                   
It is not very hard;                                        
One's overdraft becomes like elastic.                       
                                                            
42814 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Arthur Pattaffy          



A charming young banker named Lisa                          
While on a vacation in Pisa,                                
Sure hoped that her boss                                    
Was not at a loss                                           
Since she'd flown abroad on her visa.                       
                                                            
42815 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Dick Hull                



When 10 mailers descend upon us,                            
All pleading, buy my platinum plus,                         
We form a fat pile                                          
Of all with a smile,                                        
Fill round files with them all without fuss.                
                                                            
42816 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Esther Koch              



Some friends of a spendthrift, Teresa,                      
Rechristened her Tower of Pisa.                             
'Cause the lean on the wall                                 
Of the tower was small                                      
When compared to the lien on her Visa.                      
                                                            
42817 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Peter Wilkins            



Now shopping I don't find fantastic;                        
I send out dear Erm with the plastic.                       
But this time of year,                                      
It's too rigid I fear.                                      
Those cards need to be more elastic.                        
                                                            
42818 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Tiddy Ogg                



With credit cards jammed in a folder,                       
As he used them, he felt so much bolder.                    
He could not pay his debt                                   
When he bought a new jet;                                   
He expected a hand on his shoulder.                         
                                                            
42819 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Arthur Pattaffy          



To the madame I sneered, "Credit cards                      
I have in my wallet by yards...                             
Your demand for hard cash                                   
From a guy in damned rash,                                  
So give all your girls my regards."                         
                                                            
42820 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Grand Prix Lim  736      



The cashier said, "Cash, charge, or check."                 
My eyes lit with a fiendish fleck.                          
"Oh, charge it," I said                                     
"'Cause I ain't got the bread.                              
And since this card's his, what the heck."                  
                                                            
42821 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS                                    



One day, near the Tower of Pisa,                            
He met a gal who looked like Mona Lisa --                   
He wanted to bed her,                                       
But had to forget her,                                      
She'd not take Master Card, only Visa!                      
                                                            
42822 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS                                    



Lake Lucerne has a brand-new brothel,                       
Where the business is run very well.                        
When I started to pay                                       
In my usual way,                                            
Said the cashier, "There's no way in Hell!"                 
                                                            
42823 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           John Miller 0258         



"Staid British can pay by the pound.                        
Canadian credit is sound.                                   
The Indian Rupee                                            
Is good for some whoopee,                                   
And the Kroner's as good as is found.                       
                                                            
42824 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           John Miller 0258a        



"You can pay with the Swiss or French Franc;                
We change Deutsche Marks for them at the bank.              
You'll be welcomed again                                    
If you pay us in Yen;                                       
Even Pesos we'll take from a Yank.                          
                                                            
42825 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           John Miller 0258b        



"Master Charge can be used in this place,                   
We take gold from the old 'Master Race'.                    
We'll gladly take Visa,                                     
From a native of Pisa,                                      
Discover from Aliens in space.                              
                                                            
42826 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           John Miller 0258c        



"Rough Russians can cause us distress,                      
Italians can leave quite a mess,                            
But you Yankees are cursed,                                 
You don't care who comes first;                             
So we don't take American Express!"                         
                                                            
42827 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           John Miller 0259d        



RETAIL THERAPY's drastic;                                   
If your wallet isn't elastic,                               
Or you don't mind duns                                      
For what the bill runs,                                     
When covered by easy-charge plastic.                        
                                                            
42828 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Chris Papa               



I have a TV; it's quite large.                              
It was imported on a barge.                                 
I dread the day                                             
When I have to pay,                                         
Because I put in on Master Charge.                          
                                                            
42829 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Puff Adder               



I took a trip to the Tower of Pisa;                         
And there I met a girl named Louisa.                        
My mind was so bent,                                        
I know not what I spent.                                    
But no worry, I charged it to Visa.                         
                                                            
42830 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Puff Adder               



From there I went to Inverness                              
To see the monster of Loch Ness.                            
It wasn't in sight;                                         
The cost wasn't slight.                                     
I put in on American Express.                               
                                                            
42831 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Puff Adder               



For a few weeks, my lifes been like Heaven,                 
Except this bill with digits eleven.                        
But there's a way out;                                      
I just heard about;                                         
It's something called Chapter Eleven.                       
                                                            
42832 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Puff Adder               



My life's driving me 'round the bend;                       
I don't give a damn what I spend.                           
I'll go to the store,                                       
Buy the things I adore,                                     
And then whip out my flexible friend.                       
                                                            
42833 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Frank Sfa                



In Romania, Visa's for sex!                                 
For everything else, you are wrecks.                        
Express you Discover,                                       
That nothing will cover                                     
One Christmas like ten rubber checks.                       
                                                            
42834 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Dennis Hammes            



I'm with Jeanie on this one, F.A.                           
Your VISA would go a long way                               
To making me merry,                                         
And possibly very                                           
Generous to you, Box-ing Day.                               
                                                            
42835 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Ericka                   



A credit card isn't a joke;                                 
When I gave my wife one -- Holy Smoke!                      
She fancied that plastic                                    
Was just like elastic.                                      
When it snapped, guess who was left broke?                  
                                                            
42836 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Laurence Perrine    P8707



Last night Jimmy's wife went away,                          
But he didn't give a shout of Hooray                        
I expected; instead                                         
He looked grim as he said,                                  
"Well my credit cards missing today."                       
                                                            
42837 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Peter Wilkins            



Our EFTPOS now comes with a type                            
Of slot that's been launched without hype.                  
With Ladies of night,                                       
Your Visa card might                                        
Be useful to wipe as you swipe.                             
(electronic funds transfer point of sale)                   
42838 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Archie                   



Now Arch, I don't want to be crass,                         
But Bertha, that rather large lass,                         
Takes MC or Visa                                            
At present; for she's a                                     
Swipe terminal built in her ass.                            
                                                            
42839 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Tiddy Ogg                



But if you think plastic's a blight                         
Then using a cheque is alright.                             
Or cash is okay,                                            
As long as you pay,                                         
To get your log into her site.                              
                                                            
42840 MONEY - CREDIT CARDS           Archie                   



No more will the Schilling or Marks                         
Pound the Guilder or lilies in parks;                       
The franc and the Lires                                     
Must face down the fires                                    
As the Euro steps out of the dark.                          
                                                            
42841 MONEY - EURO                   Dr Limerick  01-02-02    



With Euro a buck and a quarter,                             
And cattle that ain't fit for slaughter,                    
It's sure hard to scrimp                                    
On the dough we can pimp                                    
From our sisters and butt-ugly daughter.                    
                                                            
42842 MONEY - EURO                   John Miller              



The Euro's a buck twenty-four,                              
Curtailing my fun with a whore,                             
Whose style is Eurasian                                     
Though blonde and Caucasian,                                
And does all her banking offshore.                          
                                                            
42843 MONEY - EURO                   John Miller              



And now it's a buck twenty-six;                             
Us Merkins are taking our licks                             
In late foreign trade,                                      
But not from a maid                                         
From France, or those sweet German chicks.                  
                                                            
42844 MONEY - EURO                   John Miller              



I'm singing "hi-ho hi-di-ho,"                               
Though my bank account looks very low.                      
You say that's strange honey;                               
Well, I changed all my money;                               
In the future I pay with euro.                              
                                                            
42845 MONEY - EURO                                            



Recently at Saltburn By The Sea                             
A Brit protested vehemently,                                
"First pounds, shillings, old pence                         
Were removed. Made no sense.                                
Now they've fobbed off the Euro on me."                     
                                                            
42846 MONEY - EURO                   Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



Said a bank tycoon's children in Truro,                     
Busy pulping Dutch notes from his bureau,                   
With lira, French francs,                                   
Punts and mraks from his banks,                             
"Daddy Look!  We are making you euro!"                      
                                                            
42847 MONEY - EURO                   Prof M-G           TP9901



Who made the decision and planned                           
The Euro?  I don't understand.                              
You need a backpack,                                        
Or a big giant sack,                                        
'Cause all those coins don't fit in your hand.              
                                                            
42848 MONEY - EURO                                            



American whores think the hype                              
Over Euros is nothing but tripe;                            
They keep their cunts greasy                                
To make it so easy                                          
For credit card holders to swipe.                           
                                                            
42849 MONEY - EURO                                            



The whore in Spain has quite a lot                          
Of Euros she's paid for her twat.                           
When she spreads her loins,                                 
Each guys takes those coins                                 
And slides them right into her slot.                        
                                                            
42850 MONEY - EURO                                            



She gets lots of change this is true,                       
When she spreads her legs out in two.                       
And she doesn't mind                                        
That most leave behind,                                     
The change and it's brown sticky goo.                       
                                                            
42851 MONEY - EURO                                            



Those coins had been inserted too lowly                     
And probably stuck in quite slowly;                         
For that whore in Spain                                     
Would scream in real pain,                                  
When we inserted our rolled quarters, wholly.               
                                                            
42852 MONEY - EURO                                            



It wasn't so long ago, when                                 
The euro was up.  I cried then                              
'Cause the dollar would pay                                 
For less than a lay...                                      
But I get much more now for my Yen.                         
                                                            
42853 MONEY - EURO                   John Miller              



The ten-spot donated by Breech                              
Was counterfeit, said Father Meech.                         
But said Breech, "You will find                             
It won't cause any bind;                                    
It's as good as the stuff that you preach."                 
                                                            
42854 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-1963



The preacher, he screwed harlot Belle,                      
And gave her the ten for the spell.                         
When she said it was bad,                                   
He complained to her, "Gad,                                 
It's as good as the ass that you sell."                     
                                                            
42855 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-1964



The harlot the doctor then sought;                          
He gave her an all-purpose shot.                            
He complained of the ten,                                   
But the harlot said, "Ben,                                  
It's as good as the shot that I got."                       
                                                            
42856 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-1965



The doctor paid old lawyer Dave                             
For help on how taxes to save.                              
The bad ten from the doc                                    
Gave the lawyer a shock,                                    
But was good as advice which he gave.                       
                                                            
42857 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-1966



The lawyer then gave a donation                             
To one who sought vote approbation.                         
Said the man, "You're a fraud."                             
But the lawyer said, "God,                                  
It's much more than your help to the nation."               
                                                            
42858 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-1967



There's a moral for all, we can tell.                       
Let the Buyer Beware may sound swell,                       
But when buyers of trash                                    
Can use counterfeit cash,                                   
Let the seller beware just as well.                         
                                                            
42859 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-1968



If business is lousy, don't sweat it.                       
When you see lots of debit, no credit,                      
Take cash from the till                                     
And abscond to Brazil.                                      
Take that P and L statement and shred it.                   
                                                            
42860 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Al Willis           P9612



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Fucked Raggedy Anne and Andy.                               
She sold her sex toys                                       
To small girls and boys,                                    
And made lots of dough, which was dandy!                    
                                                            
42861 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Jennifer            T9712



When Granny at last disconnects --                          
The victim of gin, snuff, and sex,                          
My advice to you, Jack,                                     
Is inter her out back                                       
And keep cashing her big welfare checks.                    
                                                            
42862 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Arthur Deex  P0203  P9011



The first fake Euro has been found.                         
Guess what?  It was on Irish ground.                        
Crooks minted this gong                                     
But their spelling was wrong,                               
Just changed from a Punt to a pound.                        
                                                            
42863 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Tony Burrell             



Of course, that's not true, you will know.                  
The word they spelt wrong was "Euro".                       
That's easy to see                                          
For old folks like me.                                      
Irish are thoughtful, as they go.                           
                                                            
42864 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Tony Burrell             



There was a young lady called Jane,                         
To whom company accounts were a pain.                       
While balancing the books,                                  
She shouted "They're all crooks!                            
We need creative accounting again!"                         
                                                            
42865 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Anon                     



The ethics to which most do subscribe                       
Is "Scratch my back and I will oblige."                     
I was probably daft                                         
To not ask for graft,                                       
So I never got offered a bribe.                             
                                                            
42866 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Tony Burrell             



A bold counterfeiter named Hackett                          
Had phoney bills stuffed in his jacket.                     
At a sporting event,                                        
He was heard to comment,                                    
"I have my own bad mintin' racket!"                         
                                                            
42867 MONEY - ILLEGAL                Observer                 



Oh, hear as I sit here and holler,                          
No cents in your being a scholar;                           
For you can be rich                                         
Without scratching an itch --                               
I'll tell if you send me a dollar.                          
                                                            
42868 MONEY - ILLEGAL                                         



A Corner Brook man in a pub                                 
Paid for drinks with a cod and a chub;                      
But he thought it quite strange                             
When he asked for his change,                               
To get two pounds of smelt in a tub.                        
                                                            
42869 MONEY - ILLEGAL                J Bentham, Port Mellon21a



I know a bank where the wild bees go,                       
Where wasps, stinging ants lie low.                         
But I've just been rung                                     
And quite badly stung,                                      
By my bank; account's red. Oh no!!!.                        
                                                            
42870 MONEY - LOANS                                           



Our budget is writ with red ink;                            
To change it to black, it must shrink.                      
It's too large to budge it                                  
And so I would judge it                                     
Will squash us and stay in the pink.                        
                                                            
42871 MONEY - LOANS                  Alan Cook                



A week ago, much to my sorrow,                              
I said I would pay off tomorrow,                            
Booky, Feds, and ex-wife;                                   
Now all threaten my life.                                   
Have you got fifty grand I can borrow?                      
                                                            
42872 MONEY - LOANS                  John Miller 0103         



Get real. Call my lawyer -- Ex-wife.                        
You're cement. -- Bookie Sam The Knife.                     
You good in bed? --                                         
Rupert, The Fed.                                            
John -- Forget it. Just snuff out my life!                  
                                                            
42873 MONEY - LOANS                  Annie Jay                



The bookies you should not abuse;                           
Make sure and pay up when you lose,                         
Or it could be grim;                                        
Might have to swim                                          
In a new pair of cement shoes.                              
                                                            
42874 MONEY - LOANS                  Les Stewart              



Suppose you are loaned 50K;                                 
Will that be enough for today,                              
To pay tax, bets, ex-wife,                                  
And to straighten your life?                                
Afraid not, so now--Let us pray."                           
                                                            
42875 MONEY - LOANS                  Frank Fazed              



They borrow to start a corporation,                         
For purported oil exploration.                              
No wells? That's funny!                                     
Then where's all the money?                                 
Corporate exec compensation.                                
                                                            
42876 MONEY - LOANS                  MrMalo                   



There was an old harlot named Marge                         
Who ran her house out on a barge.                           
When it came time to pay                                    
The old harlot would say,                                   
"Shall I make this a Cash or a Charge?"                     
                                                            
42877 MONEY - LOANS                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P8707



He swore that he actually read it.                          
It was old Jimmy Carter who said it.                        
While expressing his thanks                                 
To neighborhood banks,                                      
"Well you just have to give Bert Lance credit."             
                                                            
42878 MONEY - LOANS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8707



There was an old harlot named Embers                        
Whom every old timer remembers.                             
She was free with amour                                     
To the abjectly poor,                                       
And gave credit to all union members.                       
                                                            
42879 MONEY - LOANS                  Albin Chaplin       P8707



There was an old whore from Milan                           
Who handled her house in a van.                             
She also did cater                                          
To those who paid later,                                    
For she had a deferred payment plan.                        
                                                            
42880 MONEY - LOANS                  Albin Chaplin       P8707



I really don't wanna go home                                
To an empty house, all alone.                               
I guess I could stay                                        
At work without pay,                                        
And put the house up for a loan.                            
                                                            
42881 MONEY - LOANS                                           



They claim that we've balanced the budget;                  
That's important, we should not misjudge it,                
Although some detractors                                    
Can point that some factors                                 
Were doctored in order to fudge it.                         
                                                            
42882 MONEY - LOANS                  John Miller              



Good fortune had smiled on young Bret;                      
No longer did he have to fret.                              
After searching around                                      
A job he had found,                                         
Which meant he could go into debt.                          
                                                            
42883 MONEY - LOANS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2468



Said the acrobat, "Bimbos, don't sweat it;                  
If you can't do it my way, forget it."                      
So they hung with spread knees                              
From a flying trapeze...                                    
But by "his way" he meant "done on credit."                 
                                                            
42884 MONEY - LOANS                  Arthur Deex         P8706



A thrifty old whore from Mt. Blanc                          
Did not miss a chance for a franc.                          
When a man could not pay                                    
She would find him a way                                    
To establish a loan at the bank.                            
                                                            
42885 MONEY - LOANS                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P8707



First Asia, now Russia's the spot                           
To dip in the IMF pot.                                      
With economies flailing,                                    
It's doing more bailing                                     
Than bondsmen in Haarlem and Watts.                         
                                                            
42886 MONEY - LOANS                  Knotweed                 



If a thought of lending should seize ya,                    
Let it pass, then try anesthesia.                           
A loan to a friend                                          
May cause a brain rend,                                     
As borrowing leads to amnesia.                              
                                                            
42887 MONEY - LOANS                  Tom Patton          P9606



A spendthrifty fellow named Si,                             
Who charged everything he could buy,                        
Said, when hailed into court                                
With his bank accound short,                                
"The Government does: Why can't I?"                         
                                                            
42888 MONEY - LOANS                  Bennet Cerf Coll    P9210



In Chicago, a mobster called Shark                          
Had a bite so much worse than his bark.                     
With each loan collected                                    
He stopped and reflected                                    
On his having a day in the park.                            
                                                            
42889 MONEY - LOANS                  Tom Patton          P0107



A lender of money named Jones                               
Got richer than Croesus from loans;                         
Men paid him back double                                    
To stay out of trouble --                                   
Like having someone break their bones.                      
                                                            
42890 MONEY - LOANS                  Armand E Singer       959



There once was a loan shark named Bryce;                    
He's crap at his job; he's too nice.                        
He never could bash                                         
People up just for cash,                                    
`ut don't make him ask for it twice.                        
                                                            
42891 MONEY - LOANS                  Anon                     



When borrowing money, young Beach                           
Signed papers beyond his arm's reach.                       
He signed three notes in triplicate,                        
One more in sesquiplicate,                                  
And signed three more copies of each.                       
                                                            
42892 MONEY - LOANS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2437



Perhaps the increase in Dow-Jones                           
Is because of Republican crones.                            
The thing that I like,                                      
Is since Bush took a hike,                                  
They quit ripping off Savings and Loans.                    
                                                            
42893 MONEY - LOANS                  MrMalo                   



"You can't take it with you!" They spout it                 
On every occasion. Few doubt it.                            
And yet I defy                                              
Anybody to try                                              
To take a vacation without it.                              
                                                            
42894 MONEY - LOANS                  A. N. Wilkins       P8709



There was an old man of Saxmundham,                         
Qui habuit ventrem rotundum.                                
He borrowed five pounds                                     
From the master of hounds,                                  
And refused with an oath to refund 'em.                     
                                                            
42895 MONEY - LOANS                  Anon (Reed)       (Bibby)



We're really in one big hole,                               
As we go and sign on the dole.                              
The jobs have all flown,                                    
And I've got a bank loan;                                   
Paying off, will be my first goal.                          
                                                            
42896 MONEY - LOANS                  Funny Bone               



My dear Mr. Double U, you                                   
Must pay the amount that is due.                            
Or we shall compel                                          
Your fond farewell                                          
To your testes. Bye, bye. Toodle-oo.                        
                                                            
42897 MONEY - LOANS                                           



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
Who had a sharked loan but said fuck it.                    
Guido came in a plane,                                      
And caused him great pain.                                  
Now payments are now on his docket.                         
                                                            
42898 MONEY - LOANS                                           



How much do I owe to the bank?                              
My memory of this is quite blank.                           
I must now presume,                                         
They'll threaten me with doom,                              
And shut the jail door with a clank!                        
                                                            
42899 MONEY - LOANS                  H Myers             T9801



There was a young lady named Bunny                          
Who was known to be everyone's honey.                       
She had not taken time                                      
To loan even a dime,                                        
And yet many young men owed her money.                      
                                                            
42900 MONEY - LOANS                  Albin Chaplin       P8707



"New rules," said the wife of McGee,                        
"I'm charging a ten dollar fee."                            
That night, sighed by sighed,                               
"I'm broke," McGee cried.                                   
"I'll loan you! I'll loan you!" cried she.                  
                                                            
42901 MONEY - LOANS                  Irving Superior     P8707



Softly seductive young Brenda                               
Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,                 
And thoughtful and bright                                   
And sexually right,                                         
But mostly a very big spender.                              
                                                            
42902 MONEY - RICH                   Isaac Asimov             



Here I sit in my palatial estate,                           
Watching my funds disipate.                                 
She spends and she spends,                                  
Like my funds has no end --                                 
At least her fellatio's great!                              
                                                            
42903 MONEY - RICH                   Gearhart           TP9807



There was a young lady named Gillian,                       
Whose brother used to call her the silly 'un.               
She worked hard, and made cash;                             
No longer slap-dash,                                        
She'd be first in the street with a million.                
                                                            
42904 MONEY - RICH                   Arthur Pattaffy          



He was tall, he was dark, he was tender;                    
He was known as a very big spender.                         
As she lay in his arms,                                     
She exploited his charms,                                   
But to her whims, he wouldn't surrender.                    
                                                            
42905 MONEY - RICH                   Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young chappy named Earl,                        
Who lived all his life in a whirl.                          
He lived in the fast lane,                                  
Had his own private plane,                                  
With a pilot, an ex-bunny girl.                             
                                                            
42906 MONEY - RICH                   Arthur Pattaffy          



If I ran a big charity,                                     
I would bank my pay - go on a spree.                        
Endowed by you jerks,                                       
I'd live off the perks:                                     
Limos, jets, and a place on Capri.                          
                                                            
42907 MONEY - RICH                   Arthur Deex         P0105



There was a young lady named Betty                          
And, if her family name wasn't Getty,                       
Males would not escort her,                                 
And would not even court her,                               
But her cash flow can not be called petty.                  
                                                            
42908 MONEY - RICH                   Arthur Pattaffy          



The lotto win, to me, is a test;                            
Spending most of it, I'll do my best.                       
The wine and the women --                                   
Thats just the beginnin';                                   
Much later I'll squander the rest.                          
                                                            
42909 MONEY - RICH                                            



Dear Girl, it is just now my duty                           
To sing of your poise and your beauty,                      
As you talked to the press                                  
About your lucky guess                                      
That won all those millions of booty.                       
                                                            
42910 MONEY - RICH                   Dr Limerick              



You are all the woman I seek;                               
Let's elope to our own island Greek.                        
I won't forget wife                                         
To whom I vowed life --                                     
I'll write her at least once a week.                        
                                                            
42911 MONEY - RICH                   Dr Limerick              



It's there in the newspapers, see;                          
So come on girls, flock now to me.                          
I'm an aging male, too.                                     
No cash, but girls, you                                     
Could settle for two out of three.                          
(150,000 millionaires in England, mostly aging males)       
42912 MONEY - RICH                   Tiddy Ogg                



I'd settle for one out of three,                            
Because I'm not greedy, you see.                            
But I'll tell you, hon,                                     
I'll pick the first one!                                    
Yup!  Make it the money for me!                             
                                                            
42913 MONEY - RICH                   Marlene Lewis            



A wealthy old fellow named Tuckers                          
Claimed all of us could be big-buckers.                     
But if all of us chisel,                                    
Then the whole thing will fizzle;                           
For who will be left to be suckers?                         
                                                            
42914 MONEY - RICH                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2823



The simple man sweats and he toils,                         
And his hands at his labor, he soils.                       
Millionaires are unseen                                     
But their fingers are clean,                                
As they gather to divvy the spoils.                         
                                                            
42915 MONEY - RICH                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2817



The noted economist Gaines,                                 
Divulged after racking his brains,                          
That the rich always share                                  
All the wealth that is there,                               
While the poor folk divide what remains.                    
                                                            
42916 MONEY - RICH                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2967



A budding young writer called Mona,                         
Wrote sagas about Arizona.                                  
Her first lengthy story                                     
Brought greenbacks and glory;                               
In that state she's a wealthy landowner.                    
                                                            
42917 MONEY - RICH                   Arthur Pattaffy          



Sir Gadwin de Gambleby, Bt.,  (Baronet)                     
Makes a thousand a week playing f(t.                        
Of all taxes);                                              
And so he relaxes,                                          
With paeans of praise on his clt.                           
                                                            
42918 MONEY - RICH                   Harold C Bibby           



My uncle, who just won the lottery,                         
Is a gentleman well into dottery,                           
Paying dollies in lace                                      
To sit on his vase,                                         
He forgets and says, "Sit on my pottery."                   
                                                            
42919 MONEY - RICH                   Arthur Deex         P0204



The capital markets' collapse                               
May be due to the ethical lapse                             
Of public accounting,                                       
Which leaves us all doubting                                
And convinced that we've been played for saps.              
                                                            
42920 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick  05-29-02    



Greenspan does not give one fig;                            
If ever a man was a prig.                                   
He'll pull his accounts                                     
'Fore stock market bounce,                                  
And he will be fat as a pig!                                
                                                            
42921 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



AT&T broke into four,                                       
Hoping its share price would soar.                          
But Wall Street said "Separate                              
Really means desperate!"                                    
And the price headed straight to the floor.                 
                                                            
42922 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick              



The advice of the guru, Grand Joe,                          
Caused declines in my monthly cash flow;                    
But then, I should have known                               
That the man was a clown,                                   
For his motto was Buy High, Sell Low!                       
                                                            
42923 MONEY - STOCKS                 William N. Nesbit   P9606



The long bond that the broker sold Lou,                     
Was of chip somewhat less than true blue,                   
And soon went in default;                                   
Lou rang up broker Walt,                                    
Who's audacious reply was, "Lou Who?"                       
                                                            
42924 MONEY - STOCKS                 William N. Nesbit   P9606



A year ago, NASDAQ was soaring;                             
Investors were happy, euphoring.                            
We soon realized                                            
'Twas a fools paradise;                                     
Now balance sheets are not so boring.                       
                                                            
42925 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick  03-10-01    



Those folks with portfolios battered                        
Or plans for retirement shattered,                          
There guts say, the rally                                   
Is not peak, but valley;                                    
Regardless of how pundits nattered.                         
                                                            
42926 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick              



Said the stock broker, "Be bold and dash                    
Off to the bank, bring all your cash!                       
Think options -- don't worry,                               
But you'll have to hurry,                                   
If we're to beat the stock market crash!                    
                                                            
42927 MONEY - STOCKS                 Observer                 



Commodity charts can't be trusted;                          
The Female Form play cuts no mustard.                       
A "Head with Left Shoulder"                                 
Shows sell, so I sold her.                                  
Now the chart and myself are flat-busted.                   
                                                            
42928 MONEY - STOCKS                 Theo Heller         P9306



As tech stocks went wild on NASDAQ,                         
He heavily mortgaged his shack.                             
Bought on margin near peak,                                 
Then sharp slide made him shriek;                           
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!                       
                                                            
42929 MONEY - STOCKS                 Esther Koch         P0010



Stock brokers, those of "put" and "call",                   
Abetted by analysts all,                                    
Would public BAMBOOZLE,                                     
Such that the bad news'll                                   
Destroy all their life savings small.                       
                                                            
42930 MONEY - STOCKS                 Chris Papa               



But those, who with silent accords,                         
Sit on each others' top boards,                             
Some searching reveals                                      
All got sweet heart deals,                                  
With no-risk, quick millions rewards.                       
                                                            
42931 MONEY - STOCKS                 Chris Papa               



The stock market's a risky affair;                          
You can be rich if you have the flair.                      
This life is not for me,                                    
One must surely agree,                                      
As I don't know a bull from a bear.                         
                                                            
42932 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



The amateur dabbler in shares                               
Doesn't know his Bulls from his Bears.                      
So if prices should plummet,                                
He gets sick in his stomach                                 
From being caught so unawares.                              
                                                            
42933 MONEY - STOCKS                 Lichtman                 



A fool and his money's soon parted,                         
When entering water uncharted.                              
So listen to me;                                            
I've stock tips not free.                                   
So send cash, I'll not be downhearted.                      
                                                            
42934 MONEY - STOCKS                 Tiddy Ogg                



I once had a broker, "Tips" Bryce,                          
Who gave me some bad "good advice;"                         
Stocks he rated a buy                                       
I would grab at their high.                                 
And then sell at one third that price.                      
                                                            
42935 MONEY - STOCKS                 William N. Nesbit   P9606



The stock market, as we all know,                           
Can deal one a rather hard blow.                            
I think I'd do better                                       
If I could unfetter                                         
My penchant for "Buy high, sell low."                       
                                                            
42936 MONEY - STOCKS                 Macsam                   



When a CEO creates a fall                                   
That takes stockholders flush to the wall,                  
As the bottom drops out                                     
Why do board members shout,                                 
"Here's your bonus, old chap, have a ball!"                 
                                                            
42937 MONEY - STOCKS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0800



There was a young broker named Nash,                        
Whose transactions on Wall Street were rash.                
What he would then buy                                      
Made the experts all cry;                                   
His best clients lost most of their cash.                   
                                                            
42938 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



The investment firm, Becker and Boyne,                      
Did marginal work in Des Moines;                            
Their decisions were made                                   
And were oftentimes swayed                                  
By the casual toss of a coin.                               
                                                            
42939 MONEY - STOCKS                 Cap'n Bean          P0106



As the stock market goes down in flames,                    
New polls are released to proclaim                          
That the hoi polloi                                         
Are bursting with joy;                                      
That's the consumer confidence game.                        
                                                            
42940 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick  03-27-01    



On Wall Street, the year '29 --                             
The stock market's greatest decline;                        
Tremendous the cost,                                        
Great fortunes were lost,                                   
In skyscrapers men stood in line.                           
                                                            
42941 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



It isn't as bad as you think                                
As into recession we sink.                                  
There's no need to panic;                                   
It's not the Titanic;                                       
This ocean is merely red ink.                               
                                                            
42942 MONEY - STOCKS                 John Miller              



A stuffed owl with red, flickering eyes,                    
Gives tips on stocks which will rise;                       
Forget 'em! He's undead!                                    
Or from Hell you'll be fed                                  
The margin clerk's big booby prize!                         
                                                            
42943 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



There was a young girl in the chips                         
Who was fond of rotating her hips.                          
She would take on a gent                                    
And discount ten percent                                    
For insider stock market tips.                              
                                                            
42944 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arthur Deex         P9012



Commodity trading's a maze.                                 
You can lose it in soybeans or maize.                       
The prime rule (you should mark it                          
While playing the market):                                  
Don't get screwed by those sweet Fanny Maes.                
                                                            
42945 MONEY - STOCKS                 Theo Heller         P9201



There was an old man from Tibet,                            
Said, "Don't put your wealth in the Net.                    
If your route to success                                    
Is a dotcom address,                                        
Then you're certain to end up in debt."                     
                                                            
42946 MONEY - STOCKS                 Richard Long             



The main market indices went                                
Down today, two more percent.                               
Investors are betting                                       
Prosperity's getting                                        
Away from our faux-President.                               
                                                            
42947 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick  05-06-02    



There are many investors irate,                             
Who were quick to bemoan their fate.                        
Our stock they had bought                                   
At forty naught naught,                                     
But now it's twenty-five point eight!                       
                                                            
42948 MONEY - STOCKS                 Azmeer Salleh            



Consider the life of old Gabby                              
Hayes, who was unwashed and scabby.                         
Till that son of a bitch                                    
Became suddenly rich,                                       
On a stock market tip from Dear Abby.                       
                                                            
42949 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arthur Deex         P9712



I know that I can't pay the rent.                           
The market, down seven percent,                             
Is losing my money.                                         
We know it's not funny.                                     
I'll live in a used Army tent.                              
                                                            
42950 MONEY - STOCKS                 Frank Fazed              



As you ride the NASDAQ or Dow,                              
Your ears may be hurtin' you now.                           
Try yawning or gum,                                         
To remedy some                                              
Of the pressure, from plummeting down.                      
                                                            
42951 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick              



Shadenfreude has covered the nation,                        
As he fell from the loftiest station.                       
Will GRASSO be too shy                                      
Or will he apply                                            
For well earned unemployment compensation.                  
(overcompensated head of NY stock exchange)                 
42952 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



A defunct stock exchange, says a source,                    
Still maintains a custodial force,                          
To keep furnaces lit,                                       
Though some feel it's unfit,                                
And so wasteful to heat a dead bourse.                      
                                                            
42953 MONEY - STOCKS                 Bob Giandomenico    P2006



My friend is a fellow named Fox,                            
Who dabbles in biotech stocks.                              
Do you think he could win?                                  
Should he even stay in?                                     
Depends on whose jewelry he hocks!                          
                                                            
42954 MONEY - STOCKS                 Monique de Plume         



Came the 80's and girls got material.                       
The US started feeling imperial.                            
See Wall Street?  From there                                
Came our foreign affairs.                                   
No wonder our money's ethereal.                             
                                                            
42955 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



If the market you want to play,                             
When told "sell" you must not delay.                        
Martha Stewart's new creation                               
Is inside information;                                      
You can learn something new every day.                      
                                                            
42956 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



There was an investor from Frisco                           
Who feasted on Intel and Cisco.                             
When tech took a dive,                                      
He had to survive                                           
On a diet of Bud and Nabisco.                               
                                                            
42957 MONEY - STOCKS                 Keith Gilman        P0106



There is a new breed of tycoon,                             
Who says to the oldsters, "Make room!                       
Our business grows quickly.                                 
The old economy grows sickly.                               
We're part of the Internet Boom.                            
                                                            
42958 MONEY - STOCKS                 Roger Morris             



The Internet boom has gone bust!                            
No longer are tech stocks a must!                           
Dot coms became sickly,                                     
And values dropped quickly,                                 
When the economy's growth bit the dust.                     
                                                            
42959 MONEY - STOCKS                 Roger Morris             



For my stocks I am not very sure                            
What the upcoming war holds in store.                       
Of course I will grumble,                                   
If they merely stumble,                                     
But I'll screech if they plunge through the floor.          
                                                            
42960 MONEY - STOCKS                 M Silverstein       P0304



An investor who's known to be shrewd                        
Invested in websites ...all lewd;                           
The sites are stupendous,                                   
With profits tremendous;                                    
And now he's a wealthier dude.                              
                                                            
42961 MONEY - STOCKS                 Cap'n Bean          P0106



I never thought stocks were just surgers;                   
Another crap shoot for big splurgers.                       
No one made a mention,                                      
I could lose my pension                                     
And end at Big Mac flipping burgers.                        
                                                            
42962 MONEY - STOCKS                 M Silverstein       P0304



Now the market is down quite a lot;                         
With danger, investing is fraught.                          
I fear that today                                           
My 401(k)                                                   
Has a 201(k) in its spot.                                   
                                                            
42963 MONEY - STOCKS                 Hugh Clary               



As I said to myself, it ain't funny,                        
Reading how on Wall Street things ain't sunny.              
I thought, "Seems to me                                     
That you would have to be                                   
Very rich to have lost so much money."                      
                                                            
42964 MONEY - STOCKS                 Mike Dale                



"And a thing to remember, as well,"                         
I perceived, as I gasped from the smell,                    
"So the markets been downed --                              
It'll come back around.                                     
You'll only lose out if you sell."                          
                                                            
42965 MONEY - STOCKS                 Mike Dale                



A 201(k) is still strong;                                   
Don't worry; your plan won't go wrong.                      
The market, I'm told,                                       
Will level and hold,                                        
But aim to retire half as long.                             
                                                            
42966 MONEY - STOCKS                 Travis Brasell           



Which is all very well if it's true,                        
But who knows what the market will do?                      
Will it go up or down?                                      
Will it ever come 'round?                                   
Will those blue-chip stocks always be blue?                 
                                                            
42967 MONEY - STOCKS                 Mike Dale                



"The economy doesn't look sunny,"                           
I said just this morn to my honey.                          
"Eat eggs, ham, and cheese                                  
And get fat as you please,                                  
So we'll croak 'fore we run out of money."                  
                                                            
42968 MONEY - STOCKS                 Jeanie                   



There was a young gambler named Brock,                      
Who ordered a bundle of stock.                              
The stockbroker fumbled;                                    
The stock market tumbled,                                   
And now Mr. Brock is in hock.                               
                                                            
42969 MONEY - STOCKS                 Donald Edwards           



Merrill Lynch broke the rules at their peril.               
Their feeble excuses are sterile.                           
Heavy hand cuffs that pinch                                 
Should await Mr. Lynch;                                     
In addition, they ought to lynch Merrill                    
                                                            
42970 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



An investor, whose sizable pith                             
Last fall had proved merely a myth,                         
Grasped noose and a lance,                                  
And took a firm stance                                      
To lynch Merrill, pierce Fenner and Smith.                  
                                                            
42971 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dan Richards        P8805



There was a New Yorker named Slade,                         
Who worked in the brokerage trade.                          
He sold bonds and stocks,                                   
And bought gold in blocks.                                  
Wow!  Look at the money he made!                            
                                                            
42972 MONEY - STOCKS                 Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



There was a young fellow named Nash                         
Who would only go through it for cash.                      
Some dames started a pool,                                  
But caught sight of his tool,                               
And the market declined with a crash.                       
                                                            
42973 MONEY - STOCKS                 Isaac Asimov             



What happened to last year's high fliers,                   
Ulcerates former stratosphere buyers.                       
After much hyped renown,                                    
The stock market's marked down.                             
There's no net when you traipse high wires.                 
                                                            
42974 MONEY - STOCKS                 Esther Koch         P0107



Your mutual funds having doffed;                            
Buy, buy and then buy Microsoft.                            
Remember Xerox,                                             
When you, like a fox,                                       
Bought, bought and then bought those shares oft.            
                                                            
42975 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



Consider the life of Moll Flanders,                         
Which was spent among harlots and panderers.                
'Til that worn-out old bitch                                
Became suddenly rich,                                       
On a stock-market tip from Ann Landers.                     
                                                            
42976 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



Initial Public Offering dot com-y.                          
She plunked down her money without qualmy                   
When the tech stocks were hot.                              
Now that NASDAQ's been shot,                                
She not buying steak, but salami.                           
                                                            
42977 MONEY - STOCKS                 Lynn Mostafa             



There was a stockbroker named Slade,                        
Who married a lovely young maid.                            
He fathered three boys                                      
Who make lots of noise,                                     
As he works in the brokerage trade.                         
                                                            
42978 MONEY - STOCKS                 Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



A Toast Point reader with insight                           
Was asked about stocks and to shed light.                   
I haven't a clue, Sir,                                      
About reading the future,                                   
And have to rely on my sight.                               
                                                            
42979 MONEY - STOCKS                 Rasta Rickey             



Investment in sex would be sin,                             
Advised the old stockbroker, Flynn.                         
If it's growth stock you hunt,                              
Stay away from the cunt,                                    
For you never get out what went in.                         
                                                            
42980 MONEY - STOCKS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2302



The old stockbroker dated Miss Kline                        
And she said, "Is your stock doing fine?"                   
He replied, "How surprising!                                
For a while it was rising,                                  
But I think it is now in decline."                          
                                                            
42981 MONEY - STOCKS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0233



Young Joe stareted more of his ventures;                    
He gambled in shares and debentures,                        
And lost all his cash                                       
In a stock market crash;                                    
Now he's trading in second-hand dentures.                   
                                                            
42982 MONEY - STOCKS                 Peter Wilkins            



Let us drink to our CEO Mable;                              
I must tell you just how she was able                       
To rise clear to the top                                    
Of the corporate shop:                                      
Her last offer to lay on the table.                         
                                                            
42983 MONEY - STOCKS                 Armand Singer       P0203



Fate's grim finger moves on having writ,                    
Caring for what it wrote not one whit.                      
Didn't John Houseman say                                    
Our dough's made the old way,                               
At Smith Barney, we merely steal it?                        
                                                            
42984 MONEY - STOCKS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



Result of few meetings, ad hoc,                             
By Milken, the seller of stocks,                            
Was junk bonds he'd make                                    
With earnings quite fake;                                   
'Twas Wall Street's own PANDORA'S BOX.                      
                                                            
42985 MONEY - STOCKS                 Chris Papa               



Why does Dow Jones gyrate every spring?                     
Why did Oprah latch onto a king?                            
If you knew in advance                                      
Would you take a chance;                                    
Try to stop a wild pendulum's swing?                        
                                                            
42986 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



There was a dotcom called Priceline.                        
In '99, investors did fine.                                 
By '02 they were sad,                                       
'Cause times were real bad,                                 
And its value had steeply declined.                         
                                                            
42987 MONEY - STOCKS                 Roger H Morris           



The stock market experts are saying                         
That thanks to the Supreme's nay-saying,                    
On recounts for Gore --                                     
The market will soar.                                       
It had better, for the price we are paying.                 
                                                            
42988 MONEY - STOCKS                 Election 2000            



Trading markets have really been weird,                     
After CEO's greed first appeared;                           
A bull or a bear?                                           
Score some most unfair,                                     
With many retirement plans seared.                          
                                                            
42989 MONEY - STOCKS                 Gene                     



Though the funds are front loaded, I fear                   
That the payments would be through my rear.                 
Broker Sam says, "Please see                                
How this benefits me --                                     
My son enters Harvard next year."                           
                                                            
42990 MONEY - STOCKS                 William N Nesbit    P0106



The graph's heading downward, you thought;                  
In that case, you ought to sell short.                      
So pick up the phone,                                       
Sell what you don't own.                                    
Once price drops, then stock is bought.                     
                                                            
42991 MONEY - STOCKS                 Tiddy Ogg                



I often have sold a stock short                             
And sometimes, I have to report,                            
Made out very well --                                       
And lost some, but Hell                                     
Just money, and all in good sport.                          
                                                            
42992 MONEY - STOCKS                 John Miller              



On Wall Street, the bear snarls and snorts;                 
About margin calls, folks are bad sports;                   
What we'll see on the NASDAQ's                              
A grand selling climax,                                     
Followed up by a squeeze on the shorts!                     
                                                            
42993 MONEY - STOCKS                                          



Will the market on Monday be blue?                          
Dire predictions of crashes come true?                      
I will bet you somehow                                      
The Expletive "WOW"                                         
Will be used 'fore the session is through.                  
                                                            
42994 MONEY - STOCKS                 John Miller 0131         



Well, the market indeed took a thump                        
Which the spin-doctors call "just a bump".                  
So go out tomorrow                                          
With all you can borrow,                                    
And pick up some bargains, you chump!                       
                                                            
42995 MONEY - STOCKS                 John Miller 0132         



If they pay you with options on stock,                      
The company's going in hock                                 
To you and your peers;                                      
Inspiring fears                                             
That investors are shit out of luck                         
                                                            
42996 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick  12-17-01    



Their equity was an illusion;                               
Always at risk for dilution.                                
If some lovely day                                          
You'd all call and say                                      
It's time for a strike execution.                           
                                                            
42997 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick  12-17-01    



But now, thanks to the S.E.C.                               
The wage bill is out there to see;                          
This won't prevent trouble                                  
Or a market bubble,                                         
But we always like transparency.                            
                                                            
42998 MONEY - STOCKS                 Dr Limerick  12-17-01    



A Japenese stockbroker Wen                                  
Knew what stock he should purchase and when,                
And he was a success                                        
In his trades in U.S. --                                    
For the dollar he had a strong yen.                         
                                                            
42999 MONEY - STOCKS                 Al Chaplin          P0007



The tremor began in Hong Kong                               
(Unless I am totally wrong)                                 
Then spread, in a flash;                                    
Portending a crash?                                         
We'll know when they strike the big gong.                   
                                                            
43000 MONEY - STOCKS                 Frank Fazed              



There was a young man named Arkell;                         
The future he tried to foretell.                            
He sunk all his money                                       
In companies that were funny                                
And his bank balance started to swell.                      
                                                            
43001 MONEY - STOCKS                 Anon                     



Ed's broker is honest.  He'll say,                          
"This stock is the Stock of the Day.                        
Ed, buy it then after,                                      
I'll buy some (light laughter),                             
I'll use the commission you pay."                           
                                                            
43002 MONEY - STOCKS                 Irving Superior     P2006



There was a young man from Porthcawl;                       
He was clever from when he could crawl.                     
He read not the three bears,                                
But preferred stocks and shares;                            
Now he's on that street that's called Wall.                 
                                                            
43003 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



On Wall Street where Greed is the God,                      
Where big bank rolls alone, get the nod,                    
If those fools only knew,                                   
How such thinking's askew;                                  
Addled heads come from ranking ones wad.                    
                                                            
43004 MONEY - STOCKS                 Bob Giandomenico    P0208



Still listening to tales of Miss Muffet?                    
I have moved to Warren Buffet.                              
Such useful tools,                                          
His simple rules.                                           
Once learned, you just can't muff it.                       
                                                            
43005 MONEY - STOCKS                 Gunjan Saraf             



The market he called a cash cow,                            
Said the broker, taking a bow.                              
He said, "You can't lose,                                   
But look at the news."                                      
So, where the hell art thou now, Dow.                       
                                                            
43006 MONEY - STOCKS                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



Each replay of the greater fool theory,                     
Makes swooping stock syndrome uncheery.                     
Up like orangutang,                                         
Down with dross-filled bang,                                
Huge wipeouts unravel the weary.                            
                                                            
43007 MONEY - STOCKS                 Ester Koch               



It's not just the winning that counts,                      
But appearance fees in large amounts.                       
I'm a tax exile                                             
On a small sunny isle;                                      
Hardly room to do my accounts.                              
                                                            
43008 MONEY - TAXES                  Tony Burrell             



The supermodels down on the beach                           
Are conviently within my reach.                             
I get my exercise                                           
Sun-creaming their thighs;                                  
An old dog with new lessons to teach.                       
                                                            
43009 MONEY - TAXES                  Tony Burrell             



For me, I woke bitchy today.                                
Never mind taxes to pay.                                    
Not one single one                                          
Of taxforms I've done,                                      
'Cause I'd much rather have a good lay.                     
                                                            
43010 MONEY - TAXES                  Ruby Tuesday             



A taxpayer taxed to the brim,                               
Exhorted our posts to be trim.                              
Please curtail your emoting!                                
No fairy-tale quoting!                                      
The recourse is Oh Brother! Grimm!                          
                                                            
43011 MONEY - TAXES                                           



There once was a writer named Max;                          
On seasons poetic he'd wax.                                 
Regarding the spring,                                       
He said not a thing;                                        
He was too busy paying his tax.                             
                                                            
43012 MONEY - TAXES                  Srakowitz                



Whether or not said by old Thoreau,                         
It is wiser to beg than to borrow.                          
How patently plain                                          
Taxing capital gain                                         
Today will tomorrow bring sorrow.                           
                                                            
43013 MONEY - TAXES                  Arthur Deex         P9502



The taxman has not caught me yet,                           
'Cause I smarter that he, I can bet.                        
I keep roaming around                                       
To avoid the bloodhound,                                    
But Shit! It's cold here in Tibet!                          
                                                            
43014 MONEY - TAXES                  Friar              TP9807



The wealth of a man we appraise,                            
By viewing his antics and ways.                             
One can tell he has riches                                  
By the way that he bitches                                  
And complains of the taxes he pays.                         
                                                            
43015 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2425



Without representation as such                              
Taxation has more than a touch                              
Of tyranny bloated,                                         
As our Forefathers noted,                                   
But it didn't cost nearly as much.                          
                                                            
43016 MONEY - TAXES                  A. N. Wilkins       P8704



To all those who for fortune have burned,                   
Or at least for stability yearned,                          
Remember the times:                                         
Spend you nickels and dimes,                                
And recite: "Dollar saved, penny earned."                   
                                                            
43017 MONEY - TAXES                  Laurence Perrine    P9004



By a five to three margin, those polled                     
Say that back the tax cut should be rolled.                 
We're not consenting                                        
To deficit spending,                                        
So the rich can collect all the gold.                       
                                                            
43018 MONEY - TAXES                  Dr Limerick  01-22-02    



It was with apathy I awoke;                                 
The tax man could no longer provoke                         
A need for Kaopectate;                                      
I paid Federal and State;                                   
Small wonder that I am flat broke.                          
                                                            
43019 MONEY - TAXES                  S C Saint                



This time of year might cause some tension,                 
So if you need help, may I mention                          
For just one dollar,                                        
Just give me a holler,                                      
And I'll help you file your extension.                      
                                                            
43020 MONEY - TAXES                                           



A meticulous madam named Sax                                
Proceeded to fill out her tax.                              
She totalled the wear                                       
On each girl's derriere,                                    
And deducted the wrinkles and cracks.                       
                                                            
43021 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin 3024  G1862



The tax forms that Congress create                          
Not only make Einstein gyrate,                              
Their goals seem to be                                      
Both non-clarity                                            
And to CPA lobbies placate.                                 
                                                            
43022 MONEY - TAXES                  Irving Superior     P8704



A dry cleaner in financial distress                         
Said the tax on his shop was B.S.                           
He put up a good fight                                      
And demanded his right,                                     
To invoke the freedom of the press.                         
                                                            
43023 MONEY - TAXES                  Tom Patton               



A fuck-tax was passed by old Keating                        
But a check proved the tax self-defeating.                  
There was no tax collected                                  
By collectors dejected,                                     
For the men switched from fucking to eating.                
                                                            
43024 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0837



The rich, between e-mail and faxes,                         
Find charity often relaxes:                                 
Making broken folks whole                                   
Is good for the soul --                                     
And also reduces their taxes.                               
                                                            
43025 MONEY - TAXES                  Norm Storer         P2005



Oh, why must our suffering be,                              
So painful and mercilessly,                                 
My "ass it does frost",                                     
To see the high cost,                                       
Of life in the "Land of the Free!"                          
                                                            
43026 MONEY - TAXES                  Chris Papa               



A helpless taxpayer was Mazey,                              
His income tax form left him hazy,                          
And the greatest perversion                                 
Was the simplified version,                                 
Which he tried to fill out and went crazy.                  
                                                            
43027 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



How much did my wife and I earn?                            
I tried very hard to discern.                               
I got down to brass tacks                                   
When I figured my tax,                                      
Then I had an attack of heartburn.                          
                                                            
43028 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis           P9705



The reason for chronic inflation,                           
Is Federal disinclination,                                  
To hold spending down.                                      
And then go to town                                         
On budget reorganization.                                   
                                                            
43029 MONEY - TAXES                  Larry Davis         P8705



To a whore, said a tax man named Zend,                      
"On the sinful diversion you vend,                          
An assessment you'll pay."                                  
Said the whore, in dismay,                                  
"You have syntax?  I don't comprehend."                     
                                                            
43030 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2408



Death and taxes are certain, they say.                      
But what if modern science some day                         
Cures the causes of why                                     
We grow old and die?                                        
That leaves taxes forever to pay!                           
                                                            
43031 MONEY - TAXES                  William N. Nesbit   P9705



The cost of this wrong hesitate,                            
Is even more onerous fate,                                  
To which I'll resign,                                       
The post office line,                                       
Where I'll be assured a long wait.                          
                                                            
43032 MONEY - TAXES                  Chris Papa               



"I once set aside against need                              
A nest egg," explained Mr. Speed.                           
"But to my chagrin                                          
Inflation set in                                            
And reduced it to mere chicken feed."                       
                                                            
43033 MONEY - TAXES                  A. N. Wilkins       P8704



Inflation means limerickers must --                         
As though it were their sacred trust                        
Ordained by Ed Lear --                                      
Inflating their sneer,                                      
Start thinking of pecker and bust.                          
                                                            
43034 MONEY - TAXES                  Irving Superior     P8705



Preserve every verse on Inflation.                          
Some months they may theme us deflation.                    
Each Inflation verse                                        
Re-type in reverse                                          
And that month, a well earned vacation                      
                                                            
43035 MONEY - TAXES                  Irving Superior     P8705



Forget all the lies you've been told --                     
America's mine, bought and sold.                            
If you think I am kidding,                                  
Then who'll start the bidding?                              
Surprise me? I knew you would fold.                         
                                                            
43036 MONEY - TAXES                  Stiffy Joe               



The prospect that makes my pulse quicken,                   
And makes my poor arteries thicken,                         
Is his busy load,                                           
(The clients "just growed")                                 
Impels us to last minute "chicken".                         
                                                            
43037 MONEY - TAXES                  Chris Papa               



Tax reductions, while so highly vaunted,                    
Are trumpeted by the undaunted.                             
Plagues on both houses                                      
And what they esposes;                                      
I'm convinced their plan will leave mine haunted.           
                                                            
43038 MONEY - TAXES                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9709



Well, I just paid all my taxes, and then                    
I paid all my bills (there were ten).                       
Now I feel very proud,                                      
And I say this out loud,                                    
Do you think you could lend me a fin?                       
                                                            
43039 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis           P9705



My deductions I find are not lawful;                        
Of taxes I sure have a crawful.                             
Should have first got the facts --                          
Now I'll just pay the tax,                                  
But isn't this limerick just awful!                         
                                                            
43040 MONEY - TAXES                  Monique de Plume         



It isn't all bad, that inflation,                           
Although it does lower our station.                         
As prices go up,                                            
On less I can sup,                                          
And so I lose weight -- oh, elation!                        
                                                            
43041 MONEY - TAXES                  Sam Shaffe          P8705



There are two things quite certain, it's said:              
One is taxes, and two, you'll be dead.                      
When someday modern science                                 
Defeats death's forced compliance,                          
It's the taxes forever I dread.                             
                                                            
43042 MONEY - TAXES                  William N. Nesbit   P9604



Off to pay taxes you tarry,                                 
Ever larger the burden you carry;                           
Blame the County Assessor,                                  
Who knows greater, not lesser,                              
And disclaims, "Your millage may vary."                     
                                                            
43043 MONEY - TAXES                  KBrews             TP9901



An old millionaire dignified,                               
In saving up cash took great pride.                         
The more money he made,                                     
The more taxes he paid,                                     
And the louder he moaned and he cried.                      
                                                            
43044 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2545



In life, you should certainly try                           
To laugh a bit more than you cry.                           
But the tax man was here                                    
And I stifled a tear,                                       
As my money's in quite short supply.                        
                                                            
43045 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis           P9705



There once was a lucky soothsayer                           
At cards; she's a hell of a player.                         
The townsmen complained,                                    
"No fair!" "Just the same,                                  
More taxes for us," said the mayor.                         
                                                            
43046 MONEY - TAXES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Many people are ticked off, I hear,                         
Calling Tax Day, a "pain in the rear";                      
But creative deductions                                     
Can reverse those effluxions;                               
It's the most profit I make in the year!                    
                                                            
43047 MONEY - TAXES                  Mark Levy           P9705



If bracket 35 you should rate,                              
And want to be in 28,                                       
Then hire a CPA                                             
Ane he'll show you the way                                  
And income tax law he'll negate.                            
                                                            
43048 MONEY - TAXES                  Irving Superior     P9705



I woke up today with a groan;                               
If tomorrow I could only postpone.                          
You see, I've been lax                                      
About paying my tax.                                        
Can someone out there make a loan?                          
                                                            
43049 MONEY - TAXES                  Puff Adder               



There was a young man with an ax                            
Who rebelled against filing a tax.                          
"Just think of the cost                                     
And the time that is lost!                                  
Next year I shall just file my ax."                         
                                                            
43050 MONEY - TAXES                  Laurence Perrine    P8704



"Joint returns do include womenfolk.                        
If I said that they don't, I misspoke."                     
"But I think you should know,                               
These joints cost me dough."                                
No, you should not declare what you smoke."                 
                                                            
43051 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis           P9705



Uncle Sam, today, finally said                              
The surplus has been pronounced dead --                     
Recession and war,                                          
And giveaways for                                           
Bush's friends, have pushed us in the red.                  
                                                            
43052 MONEY - TAXES                  Dr Limerick  01-23-02    



There's one thing I'm willing to bet,                       
The taxman cannot always get;                               
Those who don't send returns,                               
And it nether concerns                                      
Me, 'cause he ain't nabbed me ye...                         
                                                            
43053 MONEY - TAXES                  Friar                    



Post plowing through receipts in stacks,                    
And fending off panic attacks,                              
It's off and away                                           
To my C.P.A.                                                
To prepare this year's income tax.                          
                                                            
43054 MONEY - TAXES                  Chris Papa               



Sound the alarm! Send out the faxes!                        
The Congress is increasing taxes.                           
The're giving weight                                        
To a new rate;                                              
One hundred percent the new max is.                         
                                                            
43055 MONEY - TAXES                  Tom Patton          P9705



The farmer for years used to plow                           
These fields to raise feed for his cow.                     
But as they're all asprawl                                  
With a huge shopping mall,                                  
All the folks raise is taxes there now.                     
                                                            
43056 MONEY - TAXES                  A. N. Wilkins       P8704



On taxes, if ten percent cheat,                             
The Congress the shortage must meet.                        
A ten percent raise                                         
In taxes repays                                             
The ten percent lost through deceit.                        
                                                            
43057 MONEY - TAXES                  Irving Superior     P9705



He finally got down to brass tacks.                         
"You don't have to pay any tax.                             
Those two hundred clams                                     
Are not Uncle Sams.                                         
You must pay it to my partner, Max."                        
                                                            
43058 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis           P9705



I'm Davy and with my friend Max, is                         
The government's collector of taxes.                        
Each adult must pay                                         
So we've come this way,                                     
And trust that you serfs will grant access.                 
                                                            
43059 MONEY - TAXES                  Tiddy Ogg                



Defining an adult, it's fair                                
To claim that it's them what has hair                       
Down there, 'neath the navel.                               
And so me and Dave'll                                       
Examine the youngsters down there.                          
                                                            
43060 MONEY - TAXES                  Tiddy Ogg                



You must see that it's right to inspect                     
These youngsters, and we can detect                         
If they are hirsuty;                                        
It's plainly our duty,                                      
To test and accept or reject.                               
                                                            
43061 MONEY - TAXES                  Tiddy Ogg                



Now Max is the one who is gay, see,                         
So while I grope Sharon and Tracy,                          
He'll check if young Darren                                 
And Kevin are barren                                        
Of fuzz...But they thought it too racy.                     
                                                            
43062 MONEY - TAXES                  Tiddy Ogg                



And drove our lascivious two                                
Away, swore they'd run the pair through                     
For causing disquiet.                                       
Thus started the riot,                                      
And all of this stuff, folks, is true!                      
                                                            
43063 MONEY - TAXES                  Tiddy Ogg                



I know it's now April the oneth.                            
The day when that deception is funth.                       
But this tale I heard                                       
Last week -- twenty third                                   
Or fourth, of the preceding month.                          
                                                            
43064 MONEY - TAXES                  Tiddy Ogg                



If your taxes you pay without fail,                         
The poorhouse will be your travail.                         
If you choose to contrive                                   
To deceive to survive,                                      
You will find that you languish in jail.                    
                                                            
43065 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin       P8704



Our taxes, whatever becomes                                 
Of them?  The thought just benumbs.                         
The pork barrel crew                                        
Take most, not a few,                                       
And leave you and me with the crumbs.                       
                                                            
43066 MONEY - TAXES                  Chris Papa               



The governments waste all their dough                       
And the tax bite continues to grow.                         
The way we are headed,                                      
Once their teeth are imbedded,                              
Don't expect them to ever let go.                           
                                                            
43067 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



She has a shoe business, my Honey.                          
She takes in just oodles of money.                          
We report every dime,                                       
Plus my cash overtime,                                      
And that's why they call me "Dumb Bunny."                   
                                                            
43068 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis                



"It's tax time," cried King George the Third.               
And colonists, hating the word,                             
In Boston threw tea;                                        
Quoted Patrick Henry;                                       
And fired the shot 'round the world heard.                  
                                                            
43069 MONEY - TAXES                  Irving Superior     P9705



Our system of taxing, one hears,                            
Rests solely upon volunteers.                               
But if you should refrain                                   
From tax-paying, you'll gain                                
Room and board in the slammer for years.                    
                                                            
43070 MONEY - TAXES                  John Sandler        P9203



In the clinic I stood there unclad                          
While the doctor made notes on his pad.                     
"Sputum, sera, and choler --                                
You're sound as a dollar!"                                  
I replied, "Am I really that bad?"                          
                                                            
43071 MONEY - TAXES                  Arthur Deex         P8705



It's tax time, but don't evidence it.                       
Just closing your mind circumvents it.                      
Don't cry 'bout spilt milk.                                 
It's too late, it's been spilt.                             
And there's no way that you can condense it.                
                                                            
43072 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis                



The Dems finally are in the debate;                         
300-buck, pay-it-now, rebate.                               
Tax cuts -- we got 'em,                                     
For those at the bottom --                                  
Now be still, watching GOP take the bait!                   
                                                            
43073 MONEY - TAXES                  Dr Limerick  03-27-01    



Cut the hype, cut the hoke, cut the chatter!                
Bottom line: Campaign speeches don't matter.                
Just cut to the chase                                       
And make sure you replace                                   
The tax code with one fairer and flatter.                   
                                                            
43074 MONEY - TAXES                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Tax Freedom Day is finally here.                            
From now on it's our money -- let's cheer.                  
But while that is good news,                                
In the end we still lose --                                 
Tax Freedom Day comes later each year.                      
                                                            
43075 MONEY - TAXES                                           



A young man in frustration and shock                        
Took his tax form to H. & R. Block                          
Said old Block, "Please comply                              
And unfasten your fly --                                    
I'm afraid there's a tax on your cock."                     
                                                            
43076 MONEY - TAXES                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0615



The payment of all of that bread                            
Is something, I too, really dread.                          
Yeah, the taxes sure cost                                   
But I must of got lost,                                     
I thought it was taxis you said.                            
                                                            
43077 MONEY - TAXES                  Michael Polo        P8704



It's simply unfair, don't you know                          
That Grace evades paying tax dough;                         
She provides a swell time                                   
(Often damn near sublime),                                  
Gosh, I'd love to be that kind of pro!                      
                                                            
43078 MONEY - TAXES                  Mark Levy           P9705



I guess that I'm now on the spot.                           
I must tell Uncle Sam what I've got.                        
The money I made,                                           
The tax I prepaid,                                          
And the three sets of twins I begot.                        
                                                            
43079 MONEY - TAXES                  William N. Nesbit   P9705



Mr Levy bumped into Mr Cohen,                               
Tell me Max, are you coming or goin'?                       
My tax inspector is due;                                    
That's always a to-do.                                      
I'm not sure if I'm to-ing or fro-ing.                      
                                                            
43080 MONEY - TAXES                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A sensible view of inflation,                               
Arrived at by deep cerebration,                             
Shows those at the top                                      
That spending must stop.                                    
As must all that Up-Fornication.                            
                                                            
43081 MONEY - TAXES                  Larry Davis         P8705



Here's to Patriots - Bang drums, blow saxes,                
Toot flutes, send out E-mail and Faxes!                     
We don't have any clout                                     
But they'd perish without                                   
Us suckers who pay all the taxes.                           
                                                            
43082 MONEY - TAXES                  Ann Gasser          P9501



We voters just tightened the screw,                         
While our reps have a quite different view.                 
The initiative's flaws                                      
Stopped their right to make laws,                           
Unless taxes is all that they do.                           
                                                            
43083 MONEY - TAXES                  John Paulk               



High taxes, with which they have stuck us,                  
Are causing a citizen's ruckus.                             
Good management skill                                       
Can balance the till;                                       
Taxes weren't intended to pluck us.                         
                                                            
43084 MONEY - TAXES                  John Paulk               



Yes, the budget ax now needs to fall,                       
Without bringing good things to a crawl.                    
If considering waste                                        
Contemptuously placed,                                      
Check the guards in our fair county hall.                   
                                                            
43085 MONEY - TAXES                  John Paulk               



Accountants most always imply                               
That figures do not ever lie.                               
But tax time is here                                        
And one thing is clear;                                     
It's time we all falsify.                                   
                                                            
43086 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis           P9705



My teachers, through life, always taught                    
That logic should always be sought.                         
But I read the tax law,                                     
With its blah, blah, blah, blah;                            
I think I shall soon be distraught.                         
                                                            
43087 MONEY - TAXES                  Al Willis           P9705



She withheld her affairs with fullbacks.                    
She withheld how she felt about climax.                     
She withheld from her mate                                  
Every secret bedmate,                                       
But she pays a huge withholding tax.                        
                                                            
43088 MONEY - TAXES                  Bic Willis         TP9806



Losing money is bad, you would think,                       
But tax write-offs color the ink.                           
When his auditor said,                                      
"This account's in the red,"                                
Mr. Richman was just tickled pink.                          
                                                            
43089 MONEY - TAXES                  Laurence Perrine    P8704



'here's a point many people deplore                         
'Bout the tax system we have in store.                      
And you shouldn't relax.                                    
If you're lax with your tax,                                
All the others must pay that much more.                     
                                                            
43090 MONEY - TAXES                  Bill Backe-Hansen   P8705



I have finally paid all my tax;                             
They hauled away money in sacks.                            
(I bamboozled the Fed;                                      
I held on to some bread,                                    
And I plan to buy more Cracker Jacks.)                      
                                                            
43091 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Al Willis           P9705



"Good taxation," said Senator Keating,                      
"Is like shearing sheep with the least cheating,            
So that in the long pull,                                   
We collect the most wool                                    
In a way which will cause the least bleating."              
                                                            
43092 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           A. N. Wilkins       P8704



The government took a big slice                             
In taxes that squeezed like a vise.                         
But the Senate astute                                       
Made them hard to compute,                                  
And so some people paid the tax twice.                      
                                                            
43093 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2794



Income tax, diabolically trying,                            
Has over the years been supplying                           
Honest Christians incentive                                 
To be wildly inventive                                      
And take refuge in creative lying.                          
                                                            
43094 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           A. N. Wilkins       P8704



Our leader chops wood with an axe                           
And he also chops cruel income tax.                         
So the new form 1040                                        
Will just be a shortie --                                   
Send in all you have, plus your snacks!                     
(leader is Ronald Reagan)                                   
43095 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Neal Wilgus         P8607



A taxpayer, Max, from the Queens                            
(Reduced to a diet of beans),                               
Took a shuddering breath,                                   
Said, "I'll say this for Death,                             
It's not worse each time Congress convenes."                
                                                            
43096 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Number Two          P9011



If your business is lousy, don't sweat it.                  
The future my bring you some credit.                        
If some profits should come,                                
You are under their thumb.                                  
Have no fear, but the Feds will sure get it.                
                                                            
43097 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Al Willis           P9705



The cruelest month, so they say,                            
Is April, when warm breezes play;                           
I spend precious hours,                                     
Ignoring spring flowers,                                    
While I fill out my 1040A.                                  
                                                            
43098 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           RDH99995                 



My thoughts while I'm signing 1040--                        
"These years and they haven't yet caught me."               
So feeling quite smug,                                      
I sign with a shrug,                                        
Forgetting Capone and John Gotti.                           
                                                            
43099 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Irving Superior     P9705



Henry Block told stockholders, "Don't laugh.                
Whenever the IRS staff                                      
In another bold sortie                                      
Simplifies the 1040,                                        
Our profits grow nearly by half."                           
                                                            
43100 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           A. N. Wilkins       P8704



Of tax refund we're on the brink,                           
A pittance of what you might think                          
Is a fair share of loot                                     
From your labor's fruit,                                    
A large governmental hoodwink.                              
                                                            
43101 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Chris Papa               



Calm down and suppress your anxiety;                        
Pay your income tax in its entirety.                        
As Justice Holmes said:                                     
"Taxes are the main thread                                  
Binding a civil society."                                   
                                                            
43102 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Dr Limerick              



"As the farmer who lives in the dell                        
Is paid not to raise crops for a spell,"                    
He said, "I don't see                                       
Why Congress can't be                                       
Paid not to raise taxes as well."                           
                                                            
43103 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           A. N. Wilkins       P8704



Those Pentagon contracts are lax;                           
Many millions just fall through the cracks.                 
With windfalls for Halliburton,                             
While poor folks are hurtin',                               
Makes me sorry I paid income tax.                           
                                                            
43104 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



Said a fellow named Ira S. Green,                           
"My sex-life is terribly lean...                            
I'm a chaste little lamb,                                   
Save for Old Uncle Sam                                      
Who screws me each April 15!"                               
                                                            
43105 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Rowdy Jack Eggerton P0103



The brand new 1040A                                         
Will speed up collections they say.                         
With each form comes a vice                                 
Which has jaws so precise                                   
And you squeeze your own balls till you pay.                
                                                            
43106 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Al Chaplin          P9708



They're coming on like a Greek chorus;                      
Gates Sr, and Buffet and Soros;                             
Though villified as                                         
Traitors to their class,                                    
They're heroically standing up for us.                      
(Against rich people's tax cuts)                            
43107 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           Dr Limerick  02-15-02    



Though we make tax revisions galore                         
In order to settle the score                                
With that son of a bitch,                                   
The fellow who's rich,                                      
We're the ones who end up paying more.                      
                                                            
43108 MONEY - TAXES - FEDS           A. N. Wilkins       P8704



This millennium at IRS,                                     
Back taxes will be assessed.                                
On that great day,                                          
I'll be glad to pay.                                        
My 1900 tax bill is less.                                   
                                                            
43109 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Marsh Magee        TP9804



The billions owed at its audit                              
Have earned the tax office no plaudit.                      
What cheats IRS                                             
Are accounts in a mess,                                     
And itself best knows how to defraud it.                    
                                                            
43110 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Prof M-G                 



Three cheers for the old IRS!                               
Their instructions leave nothing to guess.                  
"Send in the greater amount:                                
Schedule G cost account                                     
Or the total of all you possess."                           
                                                            
43111 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Arthur Deex         P8702



Towards April fifteen the clocks tick,                      
In the envelope taxes I stick                               
With a check; By the way,                                   
Cause I had to pay                                          
Even more to those IRS dicks.                               
                                                            
43112 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



That's right but still pay you must;                        
You're underwear you must adjust;                           
As you bend over and take it                                
Just smile and fake it;                                     
You're being screwed though its not just.                   
                                                            
43113 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



This year new IRS rules direct                              
Every Schedule D box must be checked,                       
To discover at great length                                 
That my capital gain strength                               
Of one dollar has zero effect!                              
                                                            
43114 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Prof M-G           TP9804



My accountant said, I've been quite brash,                  
Even taken deductions for gash.                             
These red figures show                                      
The fortune you owe.                                        
They won't accept lims, only cash.                          
                                                            
43115 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



No problems with servants have we.                          
The butler am I; the maid, she.                             
For home-site employing,                                    
Our pay is enjoying                                         
Deductibles on our 1040.                                    
                                                            
43116 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Irving Superior     P9912



Now the IRS superintendents                                 
Named some guy and his wife codefendants;                   
They've a tomcat, three dogs,                               
A green parrot, five frogs --                               
And deducted the lot as dependents.                         
                                                            
43117 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Armand E Singer       310



From 8 to 5 the IRS                                         
Each day your tax returns assess.                           
At 10 they take                                             
No coffee break,                                            
But at 1040 they recess.                                    
(Form 1040 for tax calculations)                            
43118 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Irving Superior     P8704



You woke feeling down in your luck;                         
That mean IRS you must buck.                                
Put the forms away,                                         
You have one more day.                                      
Stop by for a 1040 fuck.                                    
                                                            
43119 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            That Guy                 



Behold a remarkable sight:                                  
And IRS guy who's polite;                                   
If fact he's quite gay,                                     
One thinks that he may                                      
Create a new kind of "tax bite"!                            
                                                            
43120 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Mark Levy           P9705



Now there, friend, I must draw the line                     
Since the IRS cannot define                                 
Their miserable mess,                                       
And it's anyone's guess                                     
What procedures will draw you a fine.                       
                                                            
43121 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



The IRS causes me dread --                                  
They leave me no cash, not a shred.                         
But I'm not one to grieve,                                  
I've an ace up my sleeve,                                   
And I'll truly be glad when I'm dead.                       
                                                            
43122 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Al Chaplin          P0007



When the IRS questions your taxes,                          
Before you forget what relax is,                            
With stomach in knots                                       
And Alcatraz thoughts,                                      
Your first gut reaction -- Exlax is.                        
                                                            
43123 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Irving Superior     P8704



As congressmen are no great shakes                          
At econmy, clearly it makes                                 
Them happy to know                                          
At the IRS show                                             
That the taxpayer has what it takes.                        
                                                            
43124 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            A. N. Wilkins       P8704



But now we believe President Willy.                         
The IRS will not audit willy-nilly.                         
A gentler gathering of taxes                                
After they have the faxes.                                  
You're innocent until proven guilty, silly!                 
                                                            
43125 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



Be careful of me; I'm a Fed.                                
Come tax time, I wire-tapped what you said.                 
If the IRS's sneaking;                                      
Through files they are peeking;                             
You might just be better off dead.                          
                                                            
43126 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm Government and darned proud of it;                      
Take care if you tell me to "shove it";                     
I'll take over your lives,                                  
Make 2 + 2 equal 5.                                         
And like Winston Smith, soon you'll love it!                
                                                            
43127 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



You think I'm a bureaucrat, oh?                             
I'm grossly fat, stupid, and slow?                          
Well, you'd better talk nice,                               
And you'd better think twice,                               
'Cause Big Brother's alive, don't ya know.                  
                                                            
43128 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



There's nothing like big government!                        
More taxes! More programs! More spent!                      
And I say with some glee,                                   
That one day It will be                                     
A tax rate of one hundred percent                           
                                                            
43129 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



As one who works for the G.,                                
Rest assured, you've no threat from me.                     
Go on with your lives,                                      
Your sons, daughters and wives,                             
Are quite safe in my fine company.                          
                                                            
43130 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



I think that I know more than you;                          
What a true loving parent should do,                        
Since without programs and dollars,                         
Child abuse with kid's hollers,                             
'Cause the parents do not have a clue.                      
                                                            
43131 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm a grossly fat bureaucrat, see?                          
All your taxes and fines go to me.                          
I spend and I spend                                         
On programs without end,                                    
Till your kids are in hock eternally!                       
                                                            
43132 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh, how will the IRS do us?                                 
Without foreplay, will they dry screw us?                   
Or oral cheeks?                                             
Anal techniques?                                            
Oh, how will the IRS do us?                                 
                                                            
43133 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Roy Shaw            P8809



It's a bureaucracy somewhat perverse                        
That writes letters extremely terse.                        
Although you've fought it,                                  
You'll go to the audit                                      
By the Internal Revenue Serverse.                           
                                                            
43134 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Roy Shaw            P8809



As a Bureaucracy in its purity                              
It will always, in the futurity,                            
Have the propensity                                         
To use assininity                                           
For promoting its own job security.                         
                                                            
43135 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Roy Shaw            P8809



A local pub with a history longest,                         
Felt its bartender was strongest.                           
He would lemons squeeze,                                    
Then customers tease,                                       
Saying more drops they could not one wrest.                 
                                                            
43136 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Daniel Ford              



That neighborhood bar had then offered                      
A thousand dollars it kept coffered,                        
To anyone loose                                             
Who squeezed one drop juice,                                
From spent lemon the barkeep proffered.                     
                                                            
43137 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Daniel Ford              



Some tried--truck drivers, weight lifters,                  
Arm wrestlers, locals and drifters,                         
But no one did win                                          
Till in came a thin                                         
Scrawny, bespectacled scrifter. (scrivener)                 
                                                            
43138 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Daniel Ford              



Said he, "I'd like to try that bet!"                        
Patrons laughed until they their pants wet.                 
Then squeezed the bartender,                                
And teased the pretender,                                   
As the wrinkled rind was before him set                     
                                                            
43139 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Daniel Ford              



Laughling into silence did pass;                            
Awe overcame each lad and lass,                             
As the man clenched his fist                                
Around the lemon grist,                                     
And SIX drops fell into the glass.                          
                                                            
43140 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Daniel Ford              



The crowd's cheering added to his stress,                   
As the barkeep paid off under duress.                       
He asked, "How is this possible                             
Such a great feat collossable?"                             
He replied, "I work for IRS."                               
                                                            
43141 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Daniel Ford              



I'm a mean, nasty, bad-talkin' bastard;                     
It's a life-style I've thoroughly mastered.                 
But I have to confess                                       
That the old IRS                                            
Has me beat even when I am plastered.                       
                                                            
43142 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            John Miller 0084         



"From my youngest days I always knew                        
That my ship would come in, and it's true,"                 
Said a tycoon named Sid,                                    
"And of course, when it did,                                
It was docked by the IRS crew."                             
                                                            
43143 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            A. N. Wilkins       P8704



"Dear IRS Bureau," wrote Kate,                              
"Please, ASAP, my rebate.                                   
Last night while in bed                                     
My CPA said                                                 
That prostitutes depreciate."                               
                                                            
43144 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Irving Superior     P8704



The IRS took my cash, see?                                  
And they're keeping it all in DC.                           
Without my consent,                                         
They took every cent,                                       
But I guess what they did was PC.                           
(PC - politically correct)                                  
43145 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Al Willis           P9705



Spring is a time of rebirth,                                
A time for rejoicing and mirth;                             
But it's hard to relax                                      
When you've filed your tax                                  
And you future home's in Leavenworth.                       
                                                            
43146 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Latte Lady               



"The IRS magnates convey                                    
The impression distinctly that they                         
Like poor people best,"                                     
Complained Mr. West.                                        
"They're making so many, that way."                         
                                                            
43147 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            A. N. Wilkins       P8704



The IRS wasn't above                                        
Giving two lovers a shove.                                  
They decided the way                                        
They tax fortunes today,                                    
You might as well marry for love.                           
                                                            
43148 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            A. N. Wilkins       P8704



A young man, newly rich, still despaired                    
The good fortune and fame that he fared.                    
Said the Income Tax Chief,                                  
"For your fame, I'm no thief,                               
But you fortune, I fear, must be shared."                   
                                                            
43149 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



Information? Reprisals Suppress;                            
Inquisition Redouble Success;                               
Invade Residence, Seize;                                    
Inland Revenue Sleaze...                                    
Four new ways to define IRS!                                
                                                            
43150 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Paul Hoffman             



I composed a limerick for the I.R.S.,                       
But my courage failed me I confess.                         
You see I thought it                                        
Might result in an audit,                                   
And who would want all of that mess?                        
                                                            
43151 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



Said a working girl, often quite nude,                      
"So you think my profession is crude?                       
Well, I work when I choose,                                 
I get no W-2's,                                             
And the IRS also gets screwed."                             
                                                            
43152 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            William N. Nesbit   P9705



Tax returns of a hooker, Miss Blanding,                     
Earned a strong IRS reprimanding.                           
When defining career,                                       
She was not, they said, clear,                              
Being clever, she said, notwithstanding.                    
                                                            
43153 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Bob Giandomenico    P9410



I once was naive, I confess.                                
Thought I owned what I earned, nothing less.                
But experience teaches                                      
There are blood-sucking leeches--                           
I'm owned by the I.R.S.                                     
                                                            
43154 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Ann Gasser          P9311



Behold the Collector of Taxes!                              
He seldom, if ever, relaxes.                                
His favorite fun                                            
Is to sit in the sun                                        
And sharpen the blades of his axes.                         
                                                            
43155 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            John Dole           P9705



My tax bill, I'd sure like to throw it!                     
I send money, then government blows it.                     
The money they seize                                        
Does NOT grow on trees!                                     
But I don't think the IRS knows it.                         
                                                            
43156 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm singing the Revenue Blues;                              
The tax man is after his dues.                              
He'll turn a blind eye                                      
Though, if I can ply                                        
Him with one or two gallons of booze.                       
                                                            
43157 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Peter Wilkins            



On the box, the Turbo Tax icon                              
Is a top hat, with stars and the stripes on.                
But on your CRT,                                            
It's all lips and teeth,                                    
Looking for a taxpayer to bite on!                          
                                                            
43158 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



I once was afraid, I confess,                               
Of vampires, but now, more or less,                         
I am sure their blood letting                               
Is about what we're getting                                 
Each year from the old IRS.                                 
                                                            
43159 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Ann Gasser          P9010



Since most of us think it is cozier                         
To live without public exposure,                            
We all wish bad cess                                        
To the dread I R.S. --                                      
You never saw anyone nosier!                                
                                                            
43160 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Norm Storer         P9812



The I.R.S. agent was new,                                   
He dropped by the bar for a brew,                           
Got hot for a blonde,                                       
For her body was fond,                                      
So he whispered "I want to tax you."                        
                                                            
43161 MONEY - TAXES - IRS                                     



Senate hearings on the IRS                                  
Have dug into a genuine mess.                               
Testimony has shown                                         
What we've always known,                                    
And the rest of it, we could have guessed.                  
                                                            
43162 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Jim Weaver Collection    



"Now what did you earn?  Let's begin.                       
Did you claim you supported one twin?                       
And what about tips                                         
On those business trips?                                    
No, I did not refer to foreskin."                           
                                                            
43163 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Al Willis                



As tax time rolls around,                                   
I plant my feet on the ground.                              
Not fudging a number,                                       
Nor wanting to encumber;                                    
I just want to whittle them down.                           
                                                            
43164 MONEY - TAXES - IRS            Nancy Cee                



There was a young girl of Madras,                           
Who was blessed with an oversize ass.                       
When the symphony played,                                   
Her fat ass was displayed                                   
For enhancing the boom of the brass.                        
                                                            
43165 MUSIC - BRASS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0528



There once was a girl who played bass.                      
A woman who knows that her place                            
Is on down below;                                           
Give the tube a blow.                                       
Then she's gone to wipe off her face.                       
                                                            
43166 MUSIC - BRASS                  Tom Myers                



A tory backbencher called Sands,                            
Detested the sound of brass bands.                          
When they started to play,                                  
He'd run far away,                                          
And cover his head with his hands.                          
                                                            
43167 MUSIC - BRASS                  Michael Palin            



When a dreadful brass band in Wood Green                    
Struck up with 'Begin the Beguine',                         
The people all stood,                                       
As well they should,                                        
For it sounded like 'God Save The Queen'.                   
                                                            
43168 MUSIC - BRASS                  Ron Rubin                



With saxophone, trombone, and flute,                        
A costive old codger named Newt                             
Sailed into the can                                         
For this was his plan:                                      
If he couldn't crap, he could toot!                         
(costive - constipated)                                     
43169 MUSIC - BRASS                  Grand Prix Lim  504 G1386



A bugler waking up camp,                                    
Used a microphone and a big amp.                            
He bugled so loud,                                          
That it upset the crowd.                                    
But his instrument made a nice lamp!                        
                                                            
43170 MUSIC - BRASS                  Tillmanator              



A bugler named Dougal MacDougal                             
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.                          
He learned how to sneeze                                    
In various keys,                                            
Thus saving the price of a bugle.                           
                                                            
43171 MUSIC - BRASS                  Ogden Nash          P9002



At the zoo I once played the euphonium;                     
I'm afraid that it made people groanium;                    
Then at the bear's cage,                                    
One flew into a rage;                                       
I'd caused complete panda-monium.                           
                                                            
43172 MUSIC - BRASS                  Tiddy Ogg                



My grandpa plays bass and euphonium,                        
My grandma plays horn and harmonium;                        
My father plays flute,                                      
And my mother plays lute:                                   
The result is complete pandemonium.                         
                                                            
43173 MUSIC - BRASS                  Ron Rubin                



Young Jenny sat at the harmonium;                           
I watched her and got me a bonium.                          
She saw, said "That's cute,                                 
But 'tis only a flute.                                      
The man I want has a euphonium."                            
                                                            
43174 MUSIC - BRASS                  Tiddy                    



A very strange man is McDougal,                             
With his time was always quite frugal.                      
He'd comb hair on his head,                                 
Read a book, make his bed,                                  
While his ass played "Feelings" on a bugle.                 
                                                            
43175 MUSIC - BRASS                  John Chastaine           



Said the orchestra leader, "Let's fiddle,"                  
But the pianist said, "You're too little."                  
Then she shoved in a flute                                  
And said, "You're an old coot,                              
Go find a French hornist to diddle."                        
                                                            
43176 MUSIC - BRASS                  Bob Birch                



A boy once caused a fuss;                                   
He left his French horn on the bus.                         
The conductor unhappy,                                      
In fact he was snappy.                                      
But it saved him from shouting at us.                       
                                                            
43177 MUSIC - BRASS                  Jane Herbert             



A symphonic musician named Dorn,                            
Was the target of audience scorn;                           
For the hapless chap's pitch                                
Had been queered by a bitch                                 
With the Frenching she'd given his horn.                    
                                                            
43178 MUSIC - BRASS                                           



And then there is lovely young May;                         
She's like a harmonium play.                                
When ever I go 'round,                                      
She'll make a lovely sound,                                 
As long as I'm pumping away.                                
                                                            
43179 MUSIC - BRASS                  Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a codfish from Seattle,                      
Who lived in a big copper kettle,                           
In which he was playing                                     
His drumkit and saying:                                     
"This is what I call heavy metal!"                          
                                                            
43180 MUSIC - BRASS                  Rob Elsas                



An eager young man in La Grande                             
Decided to make up a band.                                  
He found a young strumpet                                   
Who played a fine trumpet,                                  
But that was the end of the band.                           
                                                            
43181 MUSIC - BRASS                  Glen Hughes         P0201



Two dance hall musicians in Butte                           
Were paid to play cornet and flute.                         
But they drank lemonade,                                    
Beer and whiskey, which made                                
Those two tooters too tight to toot.                        
                                                            
43182 MUSIC - BRASS                                      P8302



A pygmy once purchased a drumkit,                           
Then found that he just couldn't hump it.                   
And his arms were too short                                 
For the trombone he bought,                                 
So he finally settled for trumpet.                          
                                                            
43183 MUSIC - BRASS                  Ron Rubin                



There was a young man named McCarty,                        
Who ate too much beans and felt farty.                      
With his ass he played trumpet,                             
While he fucked an old strumpet,                            
And was known as the life of the party.                     
                                                            
43184 MUSIC - BRASS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2185



A pretty young girl played the trumpet.                     
I hear she's a bit of a strumpet.                           
The back of her throat                                      
Has blown more than notes;                                  
She's the girl most likely to  hump it!                     
                                                            
43185 MUSIC - BRASS                  Tom Myers                



The favorite of this little strumpet                        
Was the odd fellow playing the trumpet.                     
He'd purse his strong lips                                  
With his hands on her hips;                                 
He'd much rather eat it than hump it.                       
                                                            
43186 MUSIC - BRASS                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



There once was an old antique trumpet,                      
That was played by a beautiful strumpet.                    
She blew it so hard,                                        
They heard it in the yard.                                  
Then she oiled it and then she said "Pump it!"              
                                                            
43187 MUSIC - BRASS                  The DMs                  



The guy in the band who plays trumpet                       
Never needs to go search for a strumpet.                    
At the end of each day,                                     
He can roll in the hay                                      
With the choicest selection of crumpet.                     
                                                            
43188 MUSIC - BRASS                  John E Mayhood      P9901



The string section all want to know:                        
Don't girls swoon at the stroke of my bow?                  
And doesn't my fingering                                    
Keep them all lingering?                                    
What can those horns do but blow.                           
                                                            
43189 MUSIC - BRASS                  John Mayhood        P9901



The answer girls give them is gracious,                     
But more than a little salacious.                           
"What you do is all right,                                  
But for reaching the height,                                
Triple-tonguing is more efficacious!"                       
                                                            
43190 MUSIC - BRASS                  John Mayhood        P9901



As Humph licked the marge off his crumpet,                  
He rubbed vaseline on his trumpet.                          
He said, "Fancy a blow?"                                    
She said, "Well, I don't know..."                           
He said, "You can like it or lump it!"                      
                                                            
43191 MUSIC - BRASS                  Bill Wall                



In the Route 66 town of Kingman,                            
There's a guy who can make trumpets sing, man!              
And a girl can be sure                                      
With his embouchure,                                        
She has met a first class cunilingman.                      
                                                            
43192 MUSIC - BRASS                  jemstone            P2006



A strange-looking female from Cuba                          
Had one small and one very large booba.                     
While the small one was cute                                
And played like a flute,                                    
The large one you blew like a tuba.                         
                                                            
43193 MUSIC - BRASS                  Ken Elwood          P8302



A musician fleeing from Cuba,                               
To start a new life in Aruba,                               
Packed most of it all,                                      
But the bag was too small.                                  
He couldn't quite fit in his tuba.                          
                                                            
43194 MUSIC - BRASS                  Ogden Nield              



There once was a bald tuba player,                          
Who went to a whore just to lay her.                        
With an Ump Pa Pa Pa,                                       
He came seeing her bra,                                     
But the whore said he still had to pay her.                 
                                                            
43195 MUSIC - BRASS                  Bob Birch                



A French hippie who lived on Aruba,                         
Liked to play Couperin on his tuba.                         
"Authenticity's dead,"                                      
He cried, rolling his head.                                 
"Viv' la modernite'! Scooba dooba!"                         
                                                            
43196 MUSIC - BRASS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Aruba                            
Who played all night long on his tuba.                      
He made everyone mad                                        
When he woke Trinidad,                                      
Even those who tried sleeping in Cuba.                      
                                                            
43197 MUSIC - BRASS                  Warrick Elrod            



A pogo stick's nifty to own,                                
But falling down sure brings a moan.                        
His elbow he chipped,                                       
"But at least," Trevor quipped,                             
"I don't have to play my trombone."                         
                                                            
43198 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Sal R                    



My trombone's been stolen; I knew it                        
Was burglar or bugler did do it.                            
The mouthpiece was missing                                  
So when I heard hissing,                                    
I knew he had bungled and blew it.                          
                                                            
43199 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Gary Hallock             



There was a musician named Bass,                            
Who played the trombone with his ass.                       
He put in a trap                                            
To take out the crap,                                       
But the vapors corroded the brass.                          
                                                            
43200 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE                           G1347



There was a trombonist called Herb,                         
Whose playing was loud, though superb.                      
When neighbors complained,                                  
Young Herbert explained,                                    
"But great art is meant to disturb."                        
                                                            
43201 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Ron Rubin                



I put my lips right to his 'bone;                           
It sure comes alive when it's blown.                        
With my hand as a guide,                                    
In and out it will slide.                                   
There's nothing quite like a trombone.                      
                                                            
43202 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Tiddy Ogg                



A randy young sideman named Cohn,                           
Tied his donicker to his trombone.                          
Though improving his skills                                 
Of glissandos and trills,                                   
It utterly ruined his tone.                                 
                                                            
43203 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE                                



There was a musician from Nome,                             
Who was sent to his heavenly home.                          
With a harp in his hand,                                    
In the heavenly band,                                       
He said, "I'm better on the trombone."                      
                                                            
43204 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Reminisce           P9310



An ancient trombonist called Clyde,                         
Was a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde;                             
Near-normal by day,                                         
At night he'd waylay                                        
Punk rockers with poison-tipped slide.                      
                                                            
43205 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Ron Rubin                



There once was a trombonist named Art,                      
Whose chapped lips would barely part,                       
So whenever alone,                                          
He'd sit on his trombone,                                   
And practice Mozart with a fart.                            
                                                            
43206 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Casey                    



There was a trombonist called Grange                        
Who had an incredible range;                                
Schoolgirls, stenographers,                                 
Nuns, choreographers,                                       
And sometimes Boy Scouts for a change.                      
                                                            
43207 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Ron Rubin                



A trombonist from old Albuquerque                           
Found his slide had gone terribly jerky.                    
An inspection revealed                                      
Two oranges, peeled,                                        
Half a loaf and a 10 kilo turkey.                           
                                                            
43208 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Brian Bateman            



A fellow who played the trombone,                           
Couldn't follow the rhythm and tone                         
Of the rest of the brass                                    
In advanced music class...                                  
That explains why he sits all alone.                        
                                                            
43209 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Vassar Smith        P9712



There was an old man of Cologne                             
Who played a decrepit trombone.                             
Encrusted in verdigris,                                     
One went through the third degree                           
On hearing his hideous tone.                                
                                                            
43210 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Ron Rubin                



The moan of a solo trombone                                 
When softly, romantically blown,                            
As it slides in and out,                                    
Should leave one no doubt                                   
That it's hard to make love all alone.                      
                                                            
43211 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Norm Storer         P9812



A genetic engineer named Jones                              
Made a large batch of human clones.                         
It got way out of hand,                                     
The clones started a band,                                  
That features seventy-six trombones!                        
                                                            
43212 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       John Chastaine           



At concerts, bassoonist, Herr Keller                        
Sits under the trombones, poor feller;                      
When things get too moist,                                  
His habit's to hoist                                        
A splendid, protective umbrella.                            
                                                            
43213 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Ron Rubin                



I got an idea, really grand!                                
I'll play lead trombone in a band!                          
Alas, I don't know                                          
When to suck, when to blow;                                 
So someone please give me a hand?                           
                                                            
43214 MUSIC - BRASS - TROMBONE       Tiddy Ogg                



A writer of fame, asked to say                              
What he thought of the songs that we play:                  
"With alphabet soup,                                        
I bet I could poop                                          
Better words than I heard here today!"                      
                                                            
43215 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Tony Burrell             



Arnold Schoenberg, who rest in this ground,                 
Changed the musical world which he found,                   
And if, as he feared,                                       
His pieces seem weird,                                      
They're better than most of them sound.                     
                                                            
43216 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              A. N. Wilkins       P8702



There once was a minor musician                             
Who screwed in the major tradition.                         
He appeared to be finished                                  
But returned with diminished,                               
Then augmented the seventh position.                        
                                                            
43217 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2203



If AC-DC is in chat,                                        
I'd run at the drip of a hat!                               
For though I'm a musician,                                  
I'd sooner go fishin'                                       
That put up with music like that!                           
                                                            
43218 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The first musical group which was planned                   
In New England, why was the bunch canned?"                  
"If the men came to blows,"                                 
He replied, "I suppose                                      
That in Boston they likely were band."                      
                                                            
43219 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              A. N. Wilkins       P8508



My Moroccan friend, Benjam, was smitten                     
By wanderlust, thus I have written:                         
"Segovia Spain,                                             
Khachaturian train,                                         
'Ere long you'll be, Benjam, in Britain."                   
                                                            
43220 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Kathleen A. Martin  P8302



The composer, Benjamin Britten                              
Owned a quite musical kitten.                               
It played lovely tunes                                      
On piano and spoons,                                        
Much better than Britten had written.                       
                                                            
43221 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Limerick John            



A modern composer named Cage,                               
For silence, became all the rage.                           
No performer, he found,                                     
Ever made a wrong sound,                                    
Or misread the notes on the page.                           
                                                            
43222 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Peter Alexander          



The contents of Campion's airs,                             
Are surprisingly versatile fare.                            
If the song's not about                                     
How God makes you devout,                                   
It concerns some young girl's derriere.                     
                                                            
43223 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Conrad Leviston          



They say Carl Maria von Weber                               
Composed for an organist neighbor                           
Such a hard tarantelle                                      
That she grumbled, "Oh hell!                                
It's not music, it's manual labor!"                         
                                                            
43224 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



For his belle, Claudio M., in a fit,                        
Penned a madrigal 'round her left teat --                   
Just the canto bits, natch.                                 
For the basso, he'd scratch                                 
In the place where she'd usually sit.                       
                                                            
43225 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Reading basso from Clori's fair bum,                        
Claudio M. would contentedly strum                          
A theorbo in G.                                             
As she lifted her knee,                                     
He would cadence, and sigh.  Then he'd come.                
(theorbo - obsolete 17th century double-necked lute)        
43226 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A dodgy composer called Coote                               
Wrote pieces for viol and flute.                            
The music for viol,                                         
Though vile, made a pile,                                   
But the pieces for flute made no loot.                      
                                                            
43227 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Ron Rubin                



Senor Don Miguel Soltatta                                   
Never finished his Christmas cantata.                       
He's abandoned his score                                    
And behind a closed door                                    
Can be found playing with his pinata.                       
                                                            
43228 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Arthur Deex         P8302



There was a young woman called Betty,                       
Who couldn't abide Donizetti;                               
She used the full score                                     
Of "L'Elisir d'Amore"                                       
Page by page, as an apres-excretty.                         
(apres-excretty - after-shit??)                             
43229 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                       



There was a young man of Hong Kong                          
Who invented a topical song.                                
It wasn't the words                                         
That bothered the birds                                     
But the horrible double entendre.                           
                                                            
43230 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                  L1572



There once was a Dowland named John,                        
Of Queen Bess's court he was fond.                          
When he asked, "Wilt thou hire me?",                        
She replied "I'd desire thee,                               
If you'd written but one happy song."                       
                                                            
43231 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Conrad Leviston          



A noted composer named Dunn,                                
A worldly young lady did stun.                              
She said, "You've such feeling                              
That I simply am reeling."                                  
He remarked, "This is my Opus One. "                        
                                                            
43232 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0683



However old Dunn was not through,                           
He tackled this lady anew.                                  
She said, "Never have I                                     
Been so high in the sky."                                   
Said old Dunn, "This is my Opus Two."                       
                                                            
43233 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0684



This noted composer with glee                               
Then tackled his maid in a tree,                            
And he fucked her with vim                                  
On the outermost limb,                                      
And he said, "This is my Opus Three."                       
                                                            
43234 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0685



He next fucked his girl on the floor;                       
She knew not what there was in store.                       
He progressed with great feeling,                           
To the walls and the ceiling,                               
Then he gasped, "I am Dunn! Opus Four!"                     
                                                            
43235 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0686



It seems Dunn was no longer alive,                          
But his pecker erect still had drive.                       
Though devoid of all breath,                                
He was fucked after death,                                  
So Dunn's posthumous Opus was Five.                         
                                                            
43236 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0687



The composer of music must place                            
Each note, chord and rest in its place,                     
So that public display                                      
Will not cause him dismay,                                  
When the music some day he must face.                       
                                                            
43237 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin            



In "Tales of Vienna..." Johann knew                         
To sounds of the forest he must hew.                        
So on with the waltz,                                       
But suddenly halts                                          
On seeing a fox-trot into view.                             
                                                            
43238 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Irving Superior          



As Old Glory waved in the breezes,                          
A composer was caught with the sneezes.                     
He sneezed in the manner                                    
Of the Star Spangled Banner.                                
The composer was Francis Scott Keezes.                      
                                                            
43239 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Ed Wolfert          P8209



There was a young poet named Gloser,                        
Who fancied himself a composer.                             
He composed a small ditty,                                  
Which he thought rather witty,                              
But it left his wife cold and it froze her.                 
                                                            
43240 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin            



A certain unmusical Persian                                 
Had a curious kind of perversion.                           
He thought that the part                                    
Which was words was by Art                                  
And felt sure that the tunes were Gilbertian.               
                                                            
43241 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                       



Musicians today are a joke;                                 
They're paid with no more than a Coke.                      
I've heard that the gentry                                  
'S as poor as the century                                   
When musicians were going baroque.                          
                                                            
43242 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Charlie Roe              



A zealous composer named Grace                              
Says: "My musical goal's to embrace                         
The whole range of strings,                                 
They're such lovely things!"                                
Well, so far she's got to first bass...                     
                                                            
43243 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Ron Rubin                



There was a composer named Granoz;                          
They say that this man went bananas.                        
He composed a great symphony                                
For the flute and the tympani                               
And three horses on player pianos.                          
                                                            
43244 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2604



The young girlfriend of Heinrich Issac                      
Was much given to running amok.                             
While H. I. wrote motets,                                   
She would run up large debts.                               
And to pay the bills, he'd turn out schlock.                
                                                            
43245 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Henry Purcell was anxious to know                           
What folks thought of his music. And so,                    
He went to a pub,                                           
And got drunk with some schlub                              
Who said, "Frankly, I much prefer Blow."                    
                                                            
43246 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A question was put to the house;                            
Specifically by my dear spouse,                             
Asking: Who wrote Greensleeves?"                            
My daughter believes                                        
It was written by Hey-nonny Mouse.                          
                                                            
43247 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Alien                    



Greensleeves was penned by Henry eight,                     
Whose marriages were a terrible fate.                       
He used to compose,                                         
(Till he decomposed)                                        
While dallying with virgins, quite late.                    
                                                            
43248 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Archie                   



Holst's music excites great aunt Janet                      
That on hearing her favourite planet,                       
That at Cheltenham Spa                                      
She burst out of her bra,                                   
So the family now have to ban it.                           
                                                            
43249 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A composer's a national treasure,                           
For he gives us a rational pleasure,                        
Not an excessive cheer                                      
For which drunkard's pay dear,                              
But a joy of composure and measure.                         
                                                            
43250 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Laurence Perrine    P8302



A musical man of Dubuque,                                   
As he wrote his ninth Prelude and Fugue,                    
Was constrained to observe,                                 
As he steadied his nerve,                                   
"If I do this again I will pugue.  (puke)                   
                                                            
43251 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Keith MacMillan       37a



At risk of a pose supercilious,                             
I can see you have been quite punctilious.                  
But to load takes too long,                                 
And frankly your song,                                      
Left me feeling progressively bilious.                      
                                                            
43252 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                       



On telling my friends that Massenet                         
Had written that famous Mass in A.                          
My friends looked at me                                     
Most negatively,                                            
Then shouted at me, en masse, an "Nay!"                     
                                                            
43253 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Irving Superior          



A well known composer called Massenet                       
Decided to court a young lass in a                          
Specialized form                                            
Which became the norm                                       
For he wrote her a beautiful Mass in A.                     
                                                            
43254 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The composer composed note by note;                         
It progressed -- so he played what he wrote.                
His symphonic variations                                    
And incessant gyrations,                                    
Should go back where they started; end quote!               
                                                            
43255 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Arthur Pattaffy          



In music today's avant garde                                
Deplorably seeks to discard                                 
All historical rules                                        
And traditional tools,                                      
Which makes concert listening hard.                         
                                                            
43256 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



It may not be, you see, accidental                          
When music, though termed incidental,                       
Is performed in the West.                                   
It is deemed to sound best                                  
If it's recognized as occidental.                           
                                                            
43257 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0108



An impotent composer named Rohr                             
Couldn't satisfy girls any more.                            
He really belongs                                           
Writing Broadway songs,                                     
As it's the only way he can score.                          
                                                            
43258 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Thomas M. Patton    P9712



Beethoven, Mozart and Liszt                                 
Are only infrequently hissed.                               
But the prommers go manic                                   
On listening to Panic                                       
And mutter: 'That's one to be missed.'                      
                                                            
43259 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Whenever Pier Gynt and Grieg would meet                     
The pair would not think the day complete,                  
Without having dinner,                                      
With wine the beginner,                                     
And off they would go to Pier Gynt's suite.                 
                                                            
43260 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Irving Superior          



Something I have suspected for long                         
Is that truth expressed in "Pippa's Song."                  
Events now as unfurled,                                     
Show a view of the world                                    
Which would indicate Pippa was wrong.                       
(what is Pippa's Song? - McW)                               
43261 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



To compose a sonata, today,                                 
Don't proceed in the old fashioned way.                     
Take your seat on the keys;                                 
Bump about as you please --                                 
"Oh how modern!" the critics will say.                      
                                                            
43262 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              James Bryant Collection  



Prokofiev was quite aloof                                   
With women; to tell the truth,                              
He got his diversions                                       
With some most odd perversions,                             
Performing with Peter and the Wolf.                         
                                                            
43263 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Tiddy Ogg                



Betty just loves Turandot,                                  
Puccini makes her hot to trot...                            
By now it's pro forma,                                      
When he sings "Nessun dorma,"                               
She secretly fondles her twat.                              
                                                            
43264 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Chris Kirchner           



A young Chinese girl called Mae Wong,                       
Asked herself why her life went all wrong.                  
Like Madame Butterfly,                                      
Life was passing her by.                                    
She asked Puccini to write her a song.                      
                                                            
43265 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Arthur Pattaffy          



This year is the year of Purcell,                           
Which we all have enjoyed pretty well.                      
As each note resounds,                                      
His genius was crowned.                                     
For me he can now go to Hell.                               
                                                            
43266 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The cacophony, one of life's joys,                          
Is intended for Reich and his boys.                         
And whether they bow it                                     
Or hit it, or blow it,                                      
It makes the most horrible noise.                           
                                                            
43267 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



She said, "Don't know what I'm morsickov.                   
Stories, or that great big horsdickov                       
Yours.  Just kill me now,                                   
I'm so bored anyhow.                                        
Stuck here on the rimsky, Korsakov."                        
                                                            
43268 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                       



Said Sid, a most musical Scouse,                            
"I dig all that music by Strauss --                         
The one called Johann,                                      
But the other one, man,                                     
I wouldn't let into me house."                              
(Scouse - native of Liverpool)                              
43269 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Ron Rubin                



Richard Strauss won't let Bach steal his thunders;          
What his next work will be, the world wonders.              
Musicians who know him                                      
Predict a tone poem,                                        
Scored for flush toilets, horns, and gesunders!             
(what is a gesunder?)                                       
43270 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                  G1473



Apart from a couple of faults                               
I played Strauss on my piano; a waltz                       
With a 1 2 3, 1                                             
2 3 rhythm (What fun!)                                      
2 3, 1 2 3, 1 2 (What shmaltz!)                             
                                                            
43271 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                       



Tchaikovski found fortune and fame                          
By playing a tedious game;                                  
He used to subscribe                                        
To a Balinese tribe                                         
Who never could spell his last name.                        
                                                            
43272 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Anon                     



There was a curmudgeon who swore                            
That the hullabaloo and the roar                            
Of some rock groups, make clear                             
To those who can hear,                                      
What the dead have to be grateful for.                      
                                                            
43273 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              A. N. Wilkins       P8606



He bought her that tune, "William Tell,"                    
"You can't smooch to that," said his gal.                   
"Oh, just get them off,"                                    
Said he, "Then we'll boff.                                  
When the quick bit comes, I'll give you hell!"              
                                                            
43274 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Tiddy Ogg                



Willy Dufay (they say this is true)                         
Composed "Adieu m'amour" in the loo --                      
Subtle voice parts, all three,                              
While he handled his wee --                                 
He was quick!  And he cleaned up when through.              
                                                            
43275 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A song was composed by young Chuck,                         
But the lyrics ran into bad luck.                           
Though devoid of all flaws,                                 
It fell short just because                                  
Of the title: With Love You Don't Fuck!                     
                                                            
43276 MUSIC - COMPOSERS              Albin Chaplin   3024-1989



The page it is white and so clean;                          
Of masterworks I start to dream.                            
I start on my song                                          
And something goes wrong;                                   
The words that I write are obscene.                         
                                                            
43277 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                       



Composers wrote classics for queens.                        
Their opuses called forth sweet miens.                      
But plebian nations                                         
Now buy orchestrations.                                     
This Yawny guy? Weak in the genes.                          
                                                            
43278 MUSIC - COMPOSERS                                       



A lady musician named Tharp,                                
Got her bust tangled up in her harp.                        
Though protests arose,                                      
She was forced to transpose,                                
Bach's G-Minor Suite to C-sharp.                            
                                                            
43279 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



Mr. Bach was a man among men,                               
Since his scores were sufficient for ten.                   
And his offspring?  A score--                               
Which engendered the lore,                                  
He was scoring again and again.                             
                                                            
43280 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Thomas A. Quinine   P8301



Prolific and splendid was Bach.                             
Though he, on occasion, could shock.                        
For once, when he played,                                   
'Twas risking a raid.                                       
He did the whole fugue with his cock.                       
                                                            
43281 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Larry Davis         P8602



There was a young fellow named Bloch,                       
Who could play the bass viol with his cock.                 
With a superb erection,                                     
He could play a selection,                                  
From Johann Sebastian Bach.                                 
                                                            
43282 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



An elderly scholar of Bach,                                 
Used to write on the board with his cock.                   
His member he'd stroke,                                     
While he lectured Baroque,                                  
And his dick was so old, he came chalk.                     
                                                            
43283 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



For our organ concerto, my hunch                            
Is the music of Bach will have punch.                       
There will be co-audition                                   
In the finest tradition,                                    
To be followed, of course, by Bach's Lunch.                 
                                                            
43284 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Albin Chaplin       P8612



Johann Sebastian Bach                                       
Was blessed with an oversized cock.                         
His concert complete,                                       
He would beat on his meat                                   
While caressing his mistress's twat.                        
                                                            
43285 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Arthur California        



A young music student called White                          
Couldn't get his pastisches quite right.                    
His Gibbons was rotten,                                     
His Byrd quite forgotten,                                   
His Bach so much worse than his Scheidt.                    
                                                            
43286 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a small dog of Pirbright.                         
Who would play at the organ all night;                      
And in this shrewd way                                      
It kept burglars at bay,                                    
For its Bach was much worse that its bite.                  
                                                            
43287 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       R. Macdonald             



A computer programmer from Wight,                           
Scored symphonies on disk at night.                         
Though the notes were quite pretty,                         
The music was shitty,                                       
His Bach was much worse than his byte!                      
                                                            
43288 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Claudius Rex             



When Bach strayed too far, he repented,                     
For hunger pangs gnawed and tormented.                      
By luck passed a maid                                       
And her crotch she displayed,                               
And thus was the Bach's lunch invented.                     
                                                            
43289 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Albin Chaplin   3024-1291



J. S. Bach strayed too far and he cursed                    
For he suffered from hunger and thirst.                     
But there passed a maid fair                                
And her pussy was bare.                                     
What ensued was a Bach's Lunch the first.                   
                                                            
43290 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Albin Chaplin            



There was a young man from Iraq                             
Who had holes down the side of his cock                     
His boyfriend Umberto                                       
Could play a concerto                                       
By Johannes Sebastian Bach                                  
                                                            
43291 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



If Johann Sebastian B,                                      
Knew his work in the minor key D,                           
Would involve cocks and cunts,                              
And non-musical grunts,                                     
He'd say "Schtoppen zie schtuppen mit me!"                  
                                                            
43292 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



Arnold S. Played some summer stock,                         
With a cast entirely defrocked.                             
A composer, the villain,                                    
Got to do all the women.                                    
For the first time was heard "I'll be Bach".                
                                                            
43293 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



When Johann Sebastian Bach                                  
Was asked what he did after dark,                           
He said, "I compose a Te Deum                               
And perhaps a Requim,                                       
Then I pop out and flash in the park.                       
                                                            
43294 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Bill Wall                



J S spent his time thinking lug-                            
ubriously how to get tog-                                   
ether with his Dais,                                        
Where the sheep safely graze,                               
For a prelude and maybe a fugue.                            
                                                            
43295 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Jim Weaver Collection    



With his rooster nearby, J. S. Bach                         
On his organ would play 'round the clock.                   
He was playing so bored                                     
When he found the lost chord,                               
Which he found with the help of his cock.                   
                                                            
43296 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Albin Chaplin   3024-1935



Johann Sebastian Bach                                       
Met a ecdysiast girl in a park.                             
And as he was feasting                                      
His eyes on her g-string,                                   
He composed a new Air for a lark.                           
                                                            
43297 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Peter Wilkins            



Frau Bach, she cried, "Jesus, Johann!                       
I gave you a whole bloody clan!                             
I've had quite enough...                                    
Get that prick from my muff!                                
I'm twenty-six times a grand-dam!                           
                                                            
43298 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Tutta                    



Sprach die jung Frau Bach to her spouse,                    
"Ich krank of your fugueing heraus!                         
Keep your fugueing herein,                                  
Und maybe you'll find                                       
Some more kleinen Bachs in der haus!"                       
                                                            
43299 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Kathleen A. Martin  P8302



At spirit seances in Queen's,                               
The spirits make terrible scenes.                           
Thus recently Bach                                          
Shouted angrily: "Ach!                                      
I'm sick of your damn tambourines!"                         
                                                            
43300 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Morris Bishop            



My child, though a talented flutist,                        
Likes music that's simply the crudest.                      
The Pumpkins and Manson,                                    
(Thank goodness, not Hanson)                                
But when she plays Bach, she's the cutest.                  
                                                            
43301 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



They asked I play a Bach cantata.                           
When I told them I can't at a                               
Moment's notice play.                                       
Ultimatumed they,                                           
"A cantata or you can just ta-ta."                          
                                                            
43302 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Irving Superior          



When Bach met the organist Flo,                             
He noted her organ did show.                                
She looked tempting to Bach                                 
So he pulled out his cock                                   
And he played her a fugue with his bow.                     
                                                            
43303 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Albin Chaplin   3024-0448



I married my ladyfriend Kay,                                
But I fear we got carried away.                             
In the church she said, "Hark                               
At that music by Bach."                                     
Then she played on my organ all day.                        
                                                            
43304 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Tutta Gioia              



At spirit seances in Queen's,                               
The spirits make terrible scenes.                           
Thus recently Bach                                          
Shouted angrily, "Ach                                       
I'm sick of your damn tambourines!"                         
                                                            
43305 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Morris Bishop            



The high-cultured date thought, "I lack words               
To help out this yuppie. This hack nerd's                   
Recordings of Bach                                          
Give my stomach a shock;                                    
He's playing the bloody Mass backwards!                     
                                                            
43306 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Tucker D. Ott       P9001



That ear-splitting sound from St Mark                       
Is Old Morgan who's practising Bach,                        
For the thunderous noise                                    
Hides the squeals of the boys,                              
Who gyrate on his knob after dark.                          
                                                            
43307 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH                                



"Tocata and fugue in D minor,"                              
Oh, nothing could ever be finer.                            
All I do is quote it,                                       
But J S Bach wrote it,                                      
On his napkin, at lunch, in a diner.                        
                                                            
43308 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Ken Klein                



While dozing off in my recliner,                            
I thought that there's no music finer                       
Than "rap" and "hard rock"                                  
Or that thing by Bach:                                      
"Tocata and fugue in D minor."                              
                                                            
43309 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Observer                 



That there rhyme was write tongue-in-cheek,                 
While in bed with young Dominique.                          
Please know it ain't true                                   
Or otherwise you                                            
All will think that I'm some kind of freak.                 
                                                            
43310 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Observer                 



Johann Sebastian Bach                                       
Met Anna-Marie in a park.                                   
And as he was feasting                                      
His eyes on her G-string,                                   
He composed a new Aire for a lark.                          
                                                            
43311 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Peter Wilkins            



Said Bach, "If I scrwed your vagina,                        
I'm sure I'd compose something finer."                      
And while they were porkin',                                
He played on his organ                                      
Toccatas and Fugue in D Minor.                              
                                                            
43312 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man named Achillo                         
Who preferred to be lulled on a pillow,                     
To the music of Bach                                        
And composers baroque,                                      
To be played in a manner tranquillo.                        
                                                            
43313 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Albin Chaplin            



Said Bach, "If I screwedd your vagina,                      
I'm sure I'd compose something finer."                      
And while they were porkin',                                
He played on his organ,                                     
Toccatas and Fugues in D Minor.                             
                                                            
43314 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Peter Wilkins            



J S Bach, famous for the cantata,                           
Would dash off in a trice, a sonata.                        
And he loved so to do                                       
The odd, wild fugue or two,                                 
Symphonies and a flute obbligato.                           
                                                            
43315 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



A trainer of dogs name of Knight                            
Had a dog that could sing and recite                        
From classical Bach                                         
To modern day rock,                                         
But his Bach was much worse than his bite.                  
                                                            
43316 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Albin Chaplin            



A programming whiz-kid called Bright,                       
Once got his computer to write                              
His own "Ode To Joy."                                       
It served to annoy.                                         
His Bach was much worse than his byte.                      
                                                            
43317 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BACH       Tiddy Ogg                



On Beethoven's Ninth -The Choral.                           
It ends like a battle royale;                               
An ARMAGEDDON;                                              
Or backgrounding on                                         
The Gunfight at 0. K. Corral.                               
                                                            
43318 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Irving Superior          



Beethoven wrote more than one work.                         
He never was one who would shirk.                           
But as he grew deaf,                                        
He'd fart the bass clef.                                    
I am sure you'll forgive him this quirk.                    
                                                            
43319 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Larry Davis         P8602



Now if Beethoven gives you a pang,                          
It's because of a spirit which sang                         
When he wrote for two hands.                                
Who composed for two glands?                                
It was Liszt, with his "Sturm" and his "Drang."             
                                                            
43320 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Thomas A. Quinine   P8302



Old Beethoven sits in his garden,                           
His arteries starting to harden.                            
Grim fate will soon come                                    
With his 'Di-di-di-dum'                                     
And Ludwig will answer him: 'Pardon?'                       
                                                            
43321 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Jim Weaver Collection    



Beethoven said, and 'tis true                               
That Handel was best of the crew                            
Of composers; Then that                                     
He'd take off his hat                                       
At his graveside and kneel. Wouldn't you?                   
                                                            
43322 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Tony Davie               



Joe Haydn worshipped Handel, too;                           
When in Westminster Abbey -- "Who                           
Inspired your creation?"                                    
He replied, "My inspiration?                                
The Great Handel -- that is who.                            
                                                            
43323 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Tony Davie               



There was this fellow named Beethoven,                      
To whom we are much behoven.                                
For many symphonata                                         
Sometimes played sostenata,                                 
With pregnant pauses, a la bun-in-the-oven.                 
                                                            
43324 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Jim Weaver Collection    



Last night while I listened to classical                    
Beethoven, my cock was flaccical;                           
That didn't last long,                                      
So soon my limp dong                                        
Was hardened when sucked by a lassical.                     
                                                            
43325 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Travis Brasell           



There was a young man named Verhoven                        
Who loved strictly L. von Beethoven.                        
Sonata Pathetique                                           
Brought him thrills he did seek,                            
In a pattern most complexly woven.                          
                                                            
43326 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Albin Chaplin            



Happy birthday to Ludwig van B.                             
Your music we all can agree                                 
Shows that you are the chef,                                
Even though you went deaf.                                  
It's still cooking today here with me.                      
                                                            
43327 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN                           



Says world famous Ludwig van B.:                            
"I've written in every damn key;                            
But now that I'm deaf--                                     
E minor or F?                                               
It's much of a sameness to me."                             
                                                            
43328 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Ron Rubin                



Beethoven justly may boast                                  
That in music he did more than most.                        
His setting for Shiller                                     
'S "Ode to Joy" is a thriller,                              
Although he was deaf as a post!                             
                                                            
43329 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Cephas Harte             



In a cemetary many years ago,                               
While walking through, head bowed, slow;                    
I heard a strange tune                                      
Coming from a large tomb,                                   
And drew closer wanting to know.                            
                                                            
43330 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN                           



What tune this was I was hearing;                           
New but not new I was fearing.                              
Familiar it sounded,                                        
And my heart pounded                                        
As I neared a large clearing.                               
                                                            
43331 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN                           



A mausoleum stood in the center                             
And, though I did not wish to enter,                        
Was nonetheless drawn                                       
Like a helpless pawn,                                       
By that melody in all its splendor.                         
                                                            
43332 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN                           



When I stepped inside of the tomb,                          
There were others there in the room.                        
All held in sheer awe                                       
Of what there they saw;                                     
A ghost playing an organ of doom.                           
                                                            
43333 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN                           



I asked a man there, supposing,                             
He'd know what was up with this ghost thing.                
He said "Shh, we'll miss it.                                
It is most exquisite.                                       
That's Beethoven -- He's decomposing."                      
                                                            
43334 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN                           



On Beethoven's Third - Eroica.                              
To some there's a trace of erotica.                         
To others, in praise                                        
Of chivalry days,                                           
When knights on their horse, heroic are.                    
                                                            
43335 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Irving Superior          



Telegraphy became a hit.                                    
It's first three notes dit-dah-dit.                         
If they'd dit-dit-dit-dah,                                  
They would have gone far,                                   
But Ludvig Van had copywrit.                                
                                                            
43336 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Irving Superior     P9707



Beethoven's last movement was found,                        
After so much rooting around.                               
The two scholars who                                        
Found it in the loo,                                        
Described it as shriveled and brown.                        
                                                            
43337 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Jim Weaver Collection    



With strippers Ludwig was besottica,                        
Over one he went quite idiotica.                            
At the end of the show,                                     
With a great crescendo,                                     
He went off and wrote the Erotica.                          
                                                            
43338 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Beethoven tapped on the keys,                           
That tune that he wrote: Fur Elise.                         
But she didn't hear;                                        
She was lifting her rear                                    
To any who'd pay her the fees.                              
                                                            
43339 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Tiddy Ogg                



A classic misnamed's irritating;                            
A far cry from what's elevating                             
Ludwig V's Pathetique;                                      
Unpathetic, not weak;                                       
Needs new naming that's exhilarating.                       
                                                            
43340 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Esther Koch         P0304



Ludwig van Beethoven's deaf                                 
And relies on his butler and chef                           
To tell him when tunes,                                     
Which he plays on the spoons,                               
Are better transposed into F.                               
                                                            
43341 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Peter J Wilkins     P9806



Old Ludwig was really a clown;                              
He knew all the best bars in town.                          
He'd grab girls by the middle;                              
On their g-strings he'd fiddle;                             
Then his baton he'd plunge in the mound.                    
                                                            
43342 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - BEETHOVEN  Peter Wilkins            



When Bartok composed his new hit,                           
A dog on the score took a shit.                             
The notes were displayed                                    
And the orchestra played --                                 
It did not hurt the music a bit.                            
                                                            
43343 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Albin Chaplin   3024-2110



When Bartok composed Opus Four                              
His asshole felt tender and sore.                           
And he shit everywhere                                      
But no paper was there,                                     
So he wiped off his ass with the score.                     
                                                            
43344 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Albin Chaplin   3024-2059



The chambermaid, old Mrs. Burke,                            
Had dried up the score with a smirk.                        
The critics depraved,                                       
They shouted and raved,                                     
And proclaimed it a masterful work.                         
                                                            
43345 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Albin Chaplin   3024-2060



Whenever I'm hearing Bizet,                                 
At nighttime or let it be day,                              
I stop what I'm doing;                                      
Food, sex, TV viewing,                                      
And if I am on the bidet.                                   
                                                            
43346 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior          



The whole concert hall was a-humming;                       
The timpanist started his drumming.                         
As they started to play,                                    
That piece by Bizet,                                        
The soprano screamed: "Ooh, I'm a Carmen!"                  
                                                            
43347 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                             



George Bizet hid his score in a cupboard,                   
Where for years it remained undiscovered.                   
Found about '33,                                            
His "Symphony in G"                                         
Was a hit from the date 'twas discovered.                   
                                                            
43348 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Edwin L. McFalls    P9008



A modern composer named Brahms,                             
Caused in music the greatest of qualms;                     
His themes so complex,                                      
Every critic would vex,                                     
From symphonies clear up to psalms.                         
                                                            
43349 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Anon                     



In his holier attitudes Brahms                              
Was in church for the singing of psalms,                    
But at zingier times                                        
He was ringing the chimes                                   
Of a choirful of quim, without qualms.                      
                                                            
43350 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Thomas A. Quinine   P8211



Claimed a student of music from Bozen,                      
True research is much more that mere nosin'.                
So without any qualms,                                      
We exhumed poor old Brahms,                                 
As he lay in his grave, decomposin'.                        
                                                            
43351 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Armand E Singer        29



Said Clara to Schumann, "Hey Franz,                         
Please play me a tune and I'll dance."                      
He hammered his fist                                        
On the keys, played the twist,                              
And Clara, she ruptured her pants.                          
                                                            
43352 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



'Tis funny.  Tiddy Ogg throwing bombs.                      
Look it up in your history ROMS:                            
Since Clara was Schuman,                                    
Then name of her new man                                    
Was Johannes (none other than) Brahms!                      
                                                            
43353 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



If 'twas to her husband she'd said,                         
"Hey Franz," she would likely be dead.                      
For his name was Robert!                                    
I'm sure he'd have clobbert                                 
Her there, on the spot, on her head.                        
                                                            
43354 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



I claim, of course, poetic license.                         
Of course you may claim it was my dense                     
Sclerotic old brain,                                        
Confusing the twain,                                        
But on that, I will just stick to silence.                  
                                                            
43355 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



The other composer, that Franz,                             
Was one who got ants in his pants.                          
At Rue Schlock he would please,                             
Caught a social disease,                                    
And hot tears he cried, for the lost chance.                
                                                            
43356 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Ulla                     



His kookie French mistress, George Sand,                    
Kept "Fingers" Chopin well in hand,                         
By suggesting to Fred:                                      
"If you knock off for bed,                                  
You can bang me instead of your grand!"                     
                                                            
43357 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                             



A transvestite scribbler, George Sand,                      
Whose novels all moralists panned,                          
Went out of her head                                        
For Pianoman Fred                                           
Chopin, whose fires she fanned.                             
                                                            
43358 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Cephas Harte             



A Chopin song causing disaster                              
Was surely a joke by the master.                            
Il piu presto possibile                                     
He required, incredibile;                                   
Turn the page and he urges Still Faster.                    
                                                            
43359 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



Chopin -- let's just call him Fred --                       
Eloped with George Sand to the Med.                         
(I hasten to mensh                                          
That George S. was a wench,                                 
In case some nice reader's misled.)                         
                                                            
43360 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Ron Rubin                



"Tomorrow, I'll play somewhere finer,"                      
Said Chopin, "Than down at the diner;                       
But first, I will drink                                     
My ale and I think                                          
Tonight I will play in A minor.                             
                                                            
43361 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Travis Brasell           



Frederick Chopin, melodic comsorter,                        
Charmed his land as euphonic exhorter.                      
Most historians vote                                        
This composer of note,                                      
As classical music's Pole courter.                          
                                                            
43362 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Bob Giandomenico    P9703



George Sand, who devoted her heart,                         
Her pudendum, and all to her art,                           
Slept with poets, musicians,                                
And without inhibitions,                                    
Wrote accounts of each lay from the start.                  
                                                            
43363 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    A. N. Wilkins       P8601



I dreamed I patrolled Harvard Square                        
With my privates completely laid bare,                      
While a band at my rear                                     
(Most arousing to hear)                                     
Played Chopin's great "Marche Militaire."                   
                                                            
43364 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Robin K. Willoughby P8406



There was a young lady named Hatch,                         
Who said, "I just adore Bach.                               
He isn't so fussy                                           
As Brahms or Debussy.                                       
Sit down and I'll play you a snatch."                       
                                                            
43365 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                             



A tone-deaf young lady named June,                          
In two days learned to play Clair de Lune.                  
To Debussy's chagrin,                                       
She puts lots of notes in                                   
And they ruined a beautiful tune!                           
                                                            
43366 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Don Mulford              



That harmonic demon, Debussy,                               
Is really as mild as a pussy;                               
And both his Au Claire                                      
De la Lune and La Mer                                       
Are vapid, insipid, and wussy.                              
                                                            
43367 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Henry Fitzgerald         



I'd take a steamroller, to start.                           
Then hammer and mauls a la carte.                           
I'd squash Debussy                                          
Into whole-tone pate'                                       
And call it impressionist art.                              
                                                            
43368 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Anon                     



Carl Philip Emanuel Bach,                                   
Would oft take a walk in the park;                          
He'd pull out his flute                                     
For a cutie to toot.                                        
Quite a lark in the dark for a mark.                        
                                                            
43369 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                             



'Cause Franz was just no good at sex,                       
Though often his muscle he'd flex,                          
It soon was diminished,                                     
Left his partner unfinished,                                
Which made her considerably vexed.                          
                                                            
43370 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



Franz Schubert's wife one day spoke out,                    
"Franz, show me your love beyond doubt.                     
Prove it, don't hint it."                                   
So he wrote her a quintet,                                  
And named it for her: The old Trout.                        
                                                            
43371 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



The music of Hay-den (or Hy-den)                            
Can lure a young maiden to my den                           
Where I swear to be true --                                 
But it's no news to you                                     
That my den has been laid in (or lied in.)                  
                                                            
43372 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Jemstone            P0001



On the great Esterhazy Estate,                              
They watched Franz Haydn create.                            
He could lead his big band                                  
With his nimble right hand;                                 
Write a score with his left while you wait.                 
                                                            
43373 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Edwin L. McFalls    P9008



Another composer named Haydn,                               
The field of Sonata would waydn;    (widen)                 
He wrote the 'Creation',                                    
Which made a sensation,                                     
And this was the work that he died in.                      
                                                            
43374 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Carolyn Wells     (Bibby)



Despite his severe lack of size,                            
His music would part women's thighs.                        
While conducting the Clock,                                 
A tart grabbed his cock,                                    
Which gave old Joe Haydn surprise.                          
                                                            
43375 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



First editions of music I seek,                             
So I went to the Punjab last week.                          
But those Indian guys                                       
Said, "We'll hide. Close your eyes."                        
But I didn't want to play Haydn Sikh.                       
                                                            
43376 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Peter Wilkins            



A musical lass from Helsinki                                
Would often have fantasies kinky;                           
She'd straddle her Strad                                    
While she fiddled like mad,                                 
Playing pieces by Igor Stravinsky.                          
                                                            
43377 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Peter Wilkins            



He played his Hungarian Rhap-                               
Sodies hoping that someone would clap;                      
But he mixed up his B's                                     
With his A-flats and C's.                                   
The result was cacophonious crap.                           
                                                            
43378 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Peter Wilkins  A2        



The audience heckled and hissed                             
And threw eggs and tomatoes at Liszt.                       
He'd been out with young Brahms                             
In the 'Mariner's Arms'                                     
And perchance got exceedingly pissed.                       
                                                            
43379 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Peter Wilkins  A1        



There was a composer named Liszt,                           
Who from writing could never desist.                        
He made Polonaises,                                         
Quite worthy of praises,                                    
And now that he's gone, he is missed.                       
                                                            
43380 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                        P8212



A boozy young student named Twist,                          
Used to dream he could play like Franz Liszt;               
He'd got the technique                                      
But his will-power was weak,                                
And you can't play like Liszt when your pissed.             
                                                            
43381 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Ron Rubin                



There was a pianist named Liszt,                            
Who played with one hand while he pissed.                   
But as he grew older                                        
His technique grew bolder,                                  
And in concert, jacked off with his fist.                   
                                                            
43382 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                        L1292



So soothing the music of Liszt,                             
When programs have Liszt on their list,                     
I'll not nap before                                         
(Or during, won't snore)                                    
But lull in the soothe-ness of Liszzzzzzz.....              
                                                            
43383 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior          



There was a composer named Liszt,                           
Whose music no one could resist.                            
When he swept the keyboard                                  
Nobody could be bored;                                      
And now that he's gone, he is missed.                       
                                                            
43384 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    L Untermeyer             



A little-known fact about Liszt                             
That listeners may well have missed:                        
He played ludo and Lotto                                    
While partially blotto,                                     
But he had to be pissed to play whist.                      
                                                            
43385 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Bill Wall                



And lurching around in the mist                             
Was the young and inebriate Liszt,                          
Propositioning tarts,                                       
By exposing those parts                                     
He was flogging to death in his fist.                       
                                                            
43386 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                             



But Liszt was exceedingly pissed                            
And his parts remained limp in his fist;                    
All his efforts in vain;                                    
Off he staggered again,                                     
With but merely a pain in the wrist.                        
                                                            
43387 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                             



Of Mendelssohn's Song Without Words                         
Penderecki sneered, "They're for the birds.                 
Sentimentally sunny,                                        
They are for my money                                       
Too loaded with sixths and with thirds.                     
                                                            
43388 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



Though Offenbach told not a soul,                           
On trains in bar cars oft he'd loll.                        
With drink in hand,                                         
And when he'd stand,                                        
He always felt the bar car roll.                            
                                                            
43389 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior     P8403



Rachmoninov's Second Concerto                               
Makes Mirabelle Jane start to flirt-o,                      
Exposing her nipples                                        
And arpeggio ripples                                        
Soon mean she's devoid of her skirt-o.                      
                                                            
43390 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



"Pavane pour Infanta Defunte"                               
Will mean she is soon on the hunt                           
For some fellow's horn,                                     
And well before morn,                                       
She'll have the thing wedged in her cunt.                   
                                                            
43391 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Tiddy Ogg                



Bolero by Maurice Ravel                                     
He wrote for the local brothel,                             
To help to enhance                                          
Each client's romance,                                      
Fast, faster and then the expel.                            
                                                            
43392 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior          



Bolero by Maurice Ravel                                     
No music can ever excel                                     
For backgrounding sex.                                      
The far distant next:                                       
The Overture of William Tell.                               
                                                            
43393 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior          



There was a composer so swell,                              
Who thought screwing to music was hell.                     
Everything went fine                                        
Till he got out of time.                                    
"Say, this isn't Bach, it's Ravel!"                         
                                                            
43394 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                        L1544



You probably know it quite well,                            
That Bolero composed by Ravel.                              
Did you know that its beat                                  
Came from beating his meat,                                 
Till he finished exhausted as hell?                         
                                                            
43395 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Peter wilkins            



One piece which Ravel had good luck with                    
And which he made many a buck with,                         
Bolero is sold                                              
To both young and old,                                      
Since it's wonderful music to fuck with.                    
                                                            
43396 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Allan Bloom         P8712



Young Joe and his girlfriend Michelle                       
Love "Bolero" by Maurice Ravel.                             
On the concert hall stage,                                  
They're the current new rage,                               
As they fuck to that rhythmical spell.                      
                                                            
43397 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC                             



The Overture of William Tell                                
Can never Bolero excel.                                     
Romance does not last;                                      
The music's too fast.                                       
(The Bumblebee, Flight of, as well).                        
                                                            
43398 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior          



"A limerick writer, I'm not,                                
But I'll try!" said Franz Schubert. "Mein Gott!             
I haff the first line!                                      
(Es gibt rather fine?)                                      
'There vass an old man...'" (dot, dot, dot)                 
                                                            
43399 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Ron Rubin                



The Symphony (Schubert) UNFINISHED -                        
Where Schubert's great talent diminished.                   
Where his genius ran dry,                                   
Is exactly where my                                         
Great work, THE UNSTARTED, beginnish.                       
                                                            
43400 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior          



What Stravinsky once wrote for the circus                   
Was supposed to enable the workers                          
To make the bears dance                                     
And the elephants prance,                                   
But the beasts couldn't stand his mazurkas.                 
                                                            
43401 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    A. N. Wilkins       P8711



Composer Igor Stravinsky                                    
Didn't know where to beginsky;                              
The rites of Spring,                                        
Or sprites of the ring --                                   
Which title had just the right spinsky.                     
                                                            
43402 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    RDH9995                  



While writing his music one day,                            
Tchaikovsky was struck with dismay,                         
For his wife grabbed his balls,                             
So he climbed up the walls,                                 
And composed the Nutcracker Ballet.                         
                                                            
43403 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Albin Chaplin   3024-0431



Though Piotr Tchaikovsky was wed,                           
He much preferred fellows instead.                          
To Boris his mate,                                          
He said, "Can I fellate                                     
Your nutcracker, sweet, in my bed."                         
                                                            
43404 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    PeterW                   



Tchaikovski wrote music balletic                            
For men who were live and athletic.                         
One said, "Your Fourth's fine,                              
And your Fifth's divine,                                    
But your Sixth I find frankly pathetic.                     
                                                            
43405 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Jim Weaver Collection    



A dancer of ballet was named Pete                           
Used to get so aroused in the heat,                         
It inspired his friend,                                     
P. Tchaikovsky, who penned                                  
In excitement, the Nutcracker Suite.                        
                                                            
43406 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Peter Wilkins            



On Verdi, Giuseppe, I'm keen;                               
His name, if you know what I mean,                          
Quite rolls of the tongue.                                  
It can almost be sung --                                    
A pity it just means Joe Green.                             
                                                            
43407 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Ron Rubin                



"Joe Verdi?" she asked allegretto...                        
"The same one who wrote Rigoletto?"                         
I said "I think not,                                        
But related somewhat                                        
To a mynah who stained the libretto."                       
                                                            
43408 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Karen                    



They've researched composer Vivaldi                         
And found he's a female, Vi Valdi.                          
So hold glasses high                                        
And "Viva" to Vi                                            
Before they find proof she's Viv Aldi.                      
                                                            
43409 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Irving Superior     P8801



There was a old fellow named King                           
Who tried what Vivaldi would bring.                         
He no doubt had good reasons                                
For selecting "The seasons,"                                
But he barely could get through the "Spring."               
                                                            
43410 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Albin Chaplin            



"Composing concertos for lute                               
Takes time," said Vivaldi, "When cute                       
Girls drop by to study                                      
Technique and, oh buddy,                                    
Get hung up on my one-hole flute.                           
                                                            
43411 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Travis                   



Said Isolde to Tristan, "How curious,                       
Old Mark is becoming quite furious.                         
Since we got off that boat,                                 
It's been all Liebestod.                                    
Is it possible Wagner is spurious?"                         
                                                            
43412 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Conrad Aiken             



Richard Wagner is peace here reposing                       
Spent more than four decades composing.                     
Though still Germany's pride,                               
Since the day that he died,                                 
The master has been decomposing.                            
                                                            
43413 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    A. N. Wilkins       P8702



An opera buffa, she frowns                                  
'Cause Betty just hates all those clowns.                   
Now Wagner she likes,                                       
As do most all dykes;                                       
"He's just not as bad as he sounds!"                        
(apologies to Mark Twain)                                   
43414 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Chris Kirchner           



Though Herr Wagner was no longer young,                     
His cullions were hardly well-hung.                         
Seems he'd emptied his bladder                              
While poised on a ladder,                                   
And slipped off the Gotterdammerung!                        
(cullions - testes)                                         
43415 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Kathleen A. Martin  P8311



A keen Wagner fan is our Goeff,                             
Especially when played triple f;                            
"Some folks find this hellish",                             
Says Goeff, "But I relish                                   
The noise, as I'm almost stone deaf."                       
                                                            
43416 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - CLASSIC    Ron Rubin                



The Great Man really hated                                  
It when he got constipated.                                 
He'd sit by the hour,                                       
And strain and glower,                                      
With movements anticipated.                                 
                                                            
43417 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Philip Davies            



His jokes were funny, if rough --                           
He's really a musical tough.                                
He relished a brawl                                         
With sopranos who squall                                    
From his window, "Handel!  Enough!"                         
                                                            
43418 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Philip Davies            



The great Mr. Handel objected                               
Whenever the folk genuflected.                              
And yet if they chattered                                   
While he played, it mattered,                               
And he went into a sulk when neglected.                     
                                                            
43419 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Philip Davies            



There was a musician named Handel,                          
Whose intimate life was a scandal.                          
When he fugued his bass,                                    
He grew red in the face,                                    
And buggered himself with a candle.                         
                                                            
43420 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL                              



An eclectic collector called Crandall,                      
Acquired, with the aid of a vandal,                         
The bottled remains                                         
Of John Maynard Keynes,                                     
And the organs of George Frederick Handel.                  
                                                            
43421 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL                              



For his party-trick, Great Mr. Handel                       
At long range could blow out a candle --                    
It's in Guiness's Book,                                     
Just give it a look.                                        
The Court fairly hummed with the scandal.                   
                                                            
43422 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Phillip Davies           



I had a cat, called Mariah,                                 
Who sang like the Huddersfield Choir.                       
You could easily know                                       
She was out with a beau,                                    
For it sounded like Handel's Messiah.                       
                                                            
43423 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Paul Griffin             



When Handel felt like a high note,                          
The instruction he invariably wrote                         
For singers, brought tears                                  
To the eyes of all peers.                                   
He'd ransack for the requisite scrote.                      
                                                            
43424 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Phillip Davies           



There was a young lady named Skinner,                       
Who claimed that no young man could win her.                
But a cellist from Rio                                      
With the help of a trio                                     
To a quartet by Handel did pin her.                         
                                                            
43425 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Albin Chaplin 3024  P8302



Said Handel, "Pleqase don't call me Herr --                 
I'm really quite British -- so there!                       
And please, ven I croak,                                    
I vould like (for a joke)                                   
A coffin marked: 'Handel with Care'."                       
                                                            
43426 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Ron Rubin                



Irritated Royalty                                           
Could never fault his loyalty.                              
Unfortunately, he                                           
Most impatiently                                            
Lashed them with words very salty.                          
                                                            
43427 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Philip Davies            



Handel on the Strand one day,                               
Met Bach coming the other way.                              
"What do you here,                                          
Dear Bach?" "Ach, mein Herr,'                               
(Ill tempered fellow) 'Ich can't stay.'                     
                                                            
43428 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Philip Davies            



A long time ago, an old squire,                             
Met a pretty young lass in a choir,                         
And said, "Miss can we dance?",                             
But she told him, "No chance;                               
For I fear that I'm Handel's miss, sire."                   
                                                            
43429 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Peter Wilkins            



A young German girl, Irma Mandel,                           
Would happily play with a candle.                           
She does that no longer,                                    
Since she's felt the conger,                                
That's known as George Frederick's Handel.                  
                                                            
43430 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL                              



Georg Frederich, one cold winter's morgen,                  
Prepared for to play on ze organ;                           
But ze wind from ze East                                    
Made it cypher, ze beast                                    
Which gave poor Georg schmerzen und sorgen.                 
                                                            
43431 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Could Handel hold his drink?                                
That is self-evident, I thin.                               
Though he supped and dined                                  
To excess, the man's mind                                   
Stayed as sharp as a skating rink.                          
                                                            
43432 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Philip Davies            



Had Handel played the guitar,                               
He would have been a greater star                           
On the Hit parade,                                          
More and oftener laid --                                    
But they told him, "Stay where you are!"                    
                                                            
43433 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL     Philip Davies            



She looked at the sexy conductor                            
Who dropped his baton and then fucked her.                  
She caused such a scandal,                                  
By stroking his Handel,                                     
The Berlin Philharmonicker booked her.                      
                                                            
43434 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL                              



'Twas a long time ago when a Squire                         
Met a pretty young lass in a choir                          
And said, "Miss, can we fuck?"                              
But she told him, "No luck;                                 
For I fear that I'm Handel's miss, sire." [Handel's Messiah]
                                                            
43435 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - HANDEL                              



Old Mahler's wife Alma said: "Gustav,                       
For music, it seems you've a lustav.                        
Your symphony's long,                                       
But not so your dong.                                       
I feel that a lover I mustav.                               
                                                            
43436 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Tiddy Ogg                



Alma then dallied with Gropius,                             
Though her complaints were copious.                         
"Bauhaus keeps you away,                                    
While in bed I would play.                                  
It's time for another Adonious."                            
                                                            
43437 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Tiddy Ogg                



Franz Werfel was Alma's next beau,                          
At dalliance he was only so-so.                             
She cried out in unabashedly,                               
"I'm in sexual agony.                                       
I need a brand new bedfellow."                              
                                                            
43438 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Tiddy Ogg                



She, too, had a fling with Kokoschka,                       
Who'd paint her both nude and dressed poshka.               
When she left the bereft,                                   
Shaped a doll with a cleft,                                 
That would look like dear Alma's poposhka.                  
                                                            
43439 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Ulla                     



Alexander Zemlinsky, it's guessable;                        
If asked, "Were there any confessable                       
Successes in breaching",                                    
Young Alma, when teaching?                                  
Would have to respond with, "Ineffable!"                    
                                                            
43440 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Eugene Griessel          



Alma was an excessively libidinous chick;                   
She would consort with any acadamic                         
Of old Vienna city.                                         
Isn't it a pity                                             
I was not there earlier in this centuric?                   
                                                            
43441 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Eugene Griessel          



This thread tell us, yet one more time,                     
The value of limerick rhyme.                                
If I'd had a dollar                                         
Per fact about Mahler,                                      
Ere this, I'd have less than a dime.                        
                                                            
43442 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Eugene Griessel          



My friends, may I recommend Tom Lehrer,                     
Whose records I hold nearer and dearer.                     
He sang about Alma,                                         
The flirty little charma                                    
In the days when my head was more hairier.                  
                                                            
43443 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Eugene Griessel          



Can someone assist in my quest?                             
I have a rather strange request.                            
What I seek is a roster                                     
Of all men who boffed her,                                  
Just so that I can keep abreast.                            
                                                            
43444 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Eugene Griessel          



I know about Hauptman, Caruso and Schoenberg,               
Oskar Kokoschka, Gustav Klimt and Alban Berg.               
Omit these from your roll,                                  
Add just new ones to the scroll.                            
My request shouldn't be cause to waste an erg.              
                                                            
43445 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Eugene Griessel          



I don't know of some others you've missed,                  
Though I'm sure there are more that exist.                  
For the lady inspired                                       
The movie admired,                                          
By the length of her own Schindler's list.                  
                                                            
43446 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Hugh Clary               



An upright young hornist from Bala,                         
Made love as he played Gustav Mahler;                       
As the strains became stronger,                             
The pulses yet longer;                                      
Girls sobbed 'This performance is gala!'                    
                                                            
43447 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER     Brian B Daubney     P0108



In music, a man who fell short,                             
Was arrested, and taken to court.                           
He proposed in a theme                                      
A more liberal scheme:                                      
To release Mahler's Fifth as a quart.                       
                                                            
43448 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MAHLER                              



There was a young man from Tibet,                           
Who wrote out the odd quodlibet.                            
While the fiddles were trilling,                            
The audience was thrilling,                                 
For it was the best he'd wrote yet.                         
                                                            
43449 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Liam na Baeg             



In modern times we have Bob Dylan,                          
Tongue-tangling gals who were willin'.                      
Too bad that the chap                                       
Didn't know how to lap.                                     
We'd not have to put up with his chillen.                   
                                                            
43450 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Cyber Wizard             



Cole Porter, an interview scene.                            
Your Night and Day song could have been                     
Just as well, Day and Night.                                
Said Porter, "If that's right,                              
I'd then have to End the Beguine."                          
                                                            
43451 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Irving Superior          



My favorite composer, Cole Porter --                        
Of him, Night and Day, a supporter...                       
I too get no kick,                                          
Champagne make me sick,                                     
And I get no kick out of porter.                            
                                                            
43452 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Irving Superior          



When Cole Poerter stopped off at Hong Kong,                 
He composed a new national song.                            
It was all in one note,                                     
This song that he wrote,                                    
But it sounded superb on a gong.                            
                                                            
43453 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN                         P9210



At last my thrill filled life was complete,                 
With these words which I now shall repeat.                  
Said olde Ferdie Grofe,                                     
"When my dear fiancee                                       
Said, 'I just love your Grand Canyon, Sweet!'"              
                                                            
43454 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Loren C Fitzhugh         



Gershwin enjoyed the caress                                 
Of most of his cows and I guess,                            
Out of all the herd                                         
Which he screwed, he preferred                              
Stuffing his porky in Bess.                                 
                                                            
43455 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Peter J Wilkins     P9806



Did Gershwin, of womenfolk think                            
Or else from this problem just shrink?                      
With no Women's Lib                                         
Did George and his sib                                      
Consider a Rhapsody Pink?                                   
                                                            
43456 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Irving Superior          



Gershwin brothers both liked good booze,                    
But their marbles, they weren't that loose.                 
Had they lived till this date,                              
They would aptly create                                     
MTV clip, "Rap, Soda and Blues."                            
                                                            
43457 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Graig Gigol              



Gershwin would surely express                               
An interest in limericks, I guess.                          
And if he'd know how                                        
We all love the old cow,                                    
He'd be stuffing his porky in Bess.                         
                                                            
43458 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     PeterW                   



Grofe, in his Grand Canyon Suite,                           
Composed a melodical treat:                                 
Musicians start playing                                     
And donkeys start braying,                                  
As hooves sound a rhythmical beat.                          
                                                            
43459 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     R. J. Winkler       P8412



Hoagy Carmichael wrote that weird song,                     
Which was not on the Hit Parade long.                       
Hoag wasn't disdainful                                      
And said, "That was painful",                               
When he heard someone kicked Buddha's bong.                 
                                                            
43460 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Loren C Fitzhugh         



On Sousa's great march people say                           
Our National Anthem some day                                
A much faster clip                                          
And has much more zip                                       
And SOUSA is SO USA.                                        
                                                            
43461 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Irving Superior          



Now what about John Phillip Sousa,                          
On a park bench with a bottle of booza.                     
In inebreiate state,                                        
He wiggles his bait                                         
To every young and old passing flooza.                      
                                                            
43462 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Onewayout                



Young Jane was a lollapalooza                               
Yet no one could manage to use her.                         
She wouldn't screw with them                                
Except to the rhythm                                        
And marches of John Philip Sousa.                           
                                                            
43463 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Isaac Asimov             



First, Sousa thought his March was weak;                    
THE STARS AND STRIPES FOR JUST ONE WEEK.                    
But it became a hit                                         
And now more proud of it,                                   
A longer title he'll seek.                                  
                                                            
43464 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MODERN     Irving Superior          



Young Mozart was once hear to say,                          
"I sit at the keyboard all day.                             
My works, piece by piece,                                   
Show a steady increase,                                     
And yet I do nothing but play."                             
                                                            
43465 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Laurence Perrine    P9404



Young Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart                               
Denied flatly his marriage was tart.                        
He said, "Oh yes, dear me,                                  
We've achieved harmony."                                    
Adding, "Well, we have at least in part."                   
                                                            
43466 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Loren C Fitzhugh    P9206



As Mozart composed a sonata,                                
The maid bent to fasten her garter.                         
Without delay                                               
He started to play                                          
Un Poco Piu Appassionata.                                   
                                                            
43467 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Anon                     



I'm told once Wolfgang Mozart said, "Maybe,                 
I'll be known for more than just do, re, me.                
I will pump up the beat                                     
And the crowds will scream, 'Neat'                          
As my lyric repeats Baby, Baby!"                            
                                                            
43468 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



Another man strolling was Mozart                            
Who loved making young divas' throats part.                 
He would set their lips on                                  
His conducting baton,                                       
And bellow as loud as a goat's fart.                        
                                                            
43469 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART                              



Young Mozart, drunk sot, bellowed, "With                    
Permission from you I'll play 'Myth                         
Of Myrtle's Behoovement,'                                   
But, in the first movememt,                                 
It's best if I start with the fifth!"                       
                                                            
43470 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Travis Brasell           



Thus Mozart, drunk sot, gulped a snort                      
Of whiskey then gave this retort:                           
"This tune is too long,                                     
So, just like my dong,                                      
I promise to keep it quite short!"                          
                                                            
43471 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Travis brasell           



Amadeus, the rogue, would explore                           
With young divas, sweet acts of amour.                      
He would fondle their breasts,                              
While Constanza protests,                                   
And conduct, with his wand, an encore.                      
                                                            
43472 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     William N Nesbit         



There was a young composer named Mozart                     
His life went downhill in a cart.                           
He achieved no small fame                                   
In the current party game,                                  
When he favored his friends with a fart.                    
                                                            
43473 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Jim Weaver Collection    



"The heart of my girl, I shall win it!"                     
Said Mozart, while playing his spinet;                      
"Tonight, while we swing,                                   
I'll croon just like Bing,                                  
Sinatra or old Tony Bennet."                                
                                                            
43474 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Travis Brasell           



Vivaldi replied, "That is droll.                            
I'll give up this old fol-de-rol;                           
I may go too far                                            
But I'll grab a guitar,                                     
And pump out some great Baroque and Roll."                  
                                                            
43475 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh Viv," Mozart quipped, "that's hilarious!                
Your music is never nefarious;                              
In fact, I would say                                        
The stuff that you play                                     
Is sociable, funny, 'Grieg-arias!"                          
                                                            
43476 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Travis Brasell           



Mozart, musical genius profound,                            
So prolific and world wide renowned,                        
Would be better received                                    
Had he just once achieved                                   
Something close to pure Motown sound.                       
                                                            
43477 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - MOZART     Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



My sister loves Bartok and Bach,                            
While my brother's gone crazy on Rock.                      
Maintaining my sanity                                       
Requires much urbanity                                      
And stuffing each ear with a sock.                          
                                                            
43478 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



It ain't so bad making a tryst,                             
To listen to Bartok and Liszt,                              
When you can be sure                                        
If that stuff you endure.                                   
That the tip of your stave will be kissed.                  
                                                            
43479 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL                             



It's said that composer John Cage,                          
Would come and perform on the stage,                        
And item that he                                            
Wrote -- 4:33;                                              
The score being just a blank page.                          
                                                            
43480 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Tiddy Ogg                



Mike Batt is a talented Brit,                               
Who's had at least one minor hit.                           
An album he made,                                           
And on it he played                                         
One minute of silence, with wit.                            
                                                            
43481 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Tiddy Ogg                



Now enter the lawyers; Cage sued.                           
That silence is mine, John construed.                       
Agreement has come;                                         
A six-figure sum,                                           
To settle this musicless feud.                              
                                                            
43482 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Tiddy Ogg                



Old Chopin wrote tunes by the score.                        
Some great, but not one of them poor.                       
A One Minute Waltz,                                         
Without Strauss's schmaltz,                                 
I'll bet that made old Johann sore.                         
                                                            
43483 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Larry Davis         P8602



She lost her Hart to a  Cole Porter,                        
Whom she Rodgers as much as she oughta,                     
But once in Berlin                                          
Some Weill bitch Borodin.                                   
She Mussorgsky-nise some way to thwart 'er.                 
                                                            
43484 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL                             



And American music now thrives,                             
In our concerts of Copland and Ives --                      
Such a wide social span                                     
From the time it began                                      
In those sleazy bordellos anad dives!                       
                                                            
43485 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Keith MacMillan     A137C



"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May,                        
"And this Handel and Bach that we play."                    
So she put down her fiddle                                  
And diddled her middle;                                     
"It's time for Depussy I say."                              
                                                            
43486 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Peter Wilkins            



An arranger from old Dusseldorf                             
Was a rude intellectual "dwarf"                             
When his work was refused,                                  
He stood and accused,                                       
"You can't Tellemann to fugue Orff!"                        
                                                            
43487 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Kathleen A. Martin  P8302



There was a young woman named Margo,                        
Who came when they played Handel's Largo.                   
But when they played Liszt                                  
She farted and pissed,                                      
Just to show what she thought of such cargo.                
                                                            
43488 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL                             



For god's sake, don't let Gustav Mahler!                    
If Robert Fuchs, he'll just appahl her.                     
I think she was hopin'                                      
To open with Chopin,                                        
So put her Liszt Bach or she'll hahler.                     
                                                            
43489 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL                             



A Yiddish composer named Bloch                              
Had holes like a flute on his cock.                         
He could puff through each part                             
Of a tune from Mozart,                                      
But he never dared whistle from Bach.                       
                                                            
43490 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL                             



"I screwed," claimed the whore Fraulein Thaler,             
"All composers from Wagner to Mahler."                      
And we don't mean to doubt her,                             
But when questioned about her,                              
These men never quite seemed to recall her.                 
                                                            
43491 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Vassar W. Smith     P9506



Today for the first time I read,                            
The newspapers stored in my shed.                           
And I am so sad                                             
To read stuff that's bad,                                   
Like finding out Mozart is dead.                            
                                                            
43492 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Travis Brasell           



He died of a feverish cold,                                 
(Some say it was poson, I'm told).                          
Suprising me more                                           
Is the fact that your                                       
Shed's over 200 years old!                                  
                                                            
43493 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Carol                    



I can understand why you're sad;                            
Our dear Wolfie was quite a great lad.                      
Though he once was composing,                               
He's now decomposing.                                       
The mere thought is depressing.  Egad!                      
                                                            
43494 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Travis Brasell           



Also Beethoven has lost his hearing;                        
He can not hear audiences cheering.                         
Shumann hears just one note                                 
In his ear. "Get's his goat!"                               
And who knows what more news is appearing.                  
                                                            
43495 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Hilde na Beag            



And now I read on the back page,                            
That Chopin's the newest teen rage!                         
In ballrooms they're playing                                
His music and swaying --                                    
Too much for a man of my age.                               
                                                            
43496 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Travis Brasell           



More recently over in Spain,                                
In the south where it doesn't rain,                         
To Maurice Ravel,                                           
They dance, I hear tell,                                    
The Bolero again and again.                                 
                                                            
43497 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Carol                    



A rumor I heard while I dines --                            
I'm now in church looking for signs,                        
And sitting in pews;                                        
The priest giving clues --                                  
We're at war in the damned Phillipines!                     
                                                            
43498 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Archie                   



The great decomposers are dead?                             
Well, they're Offenbach, it is said,                        
But there's no deridin',                                    
They've gone into Haydn --                                  
You're Chopin them up in your shed!                         
                                                            
43499 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Dennis Hammes            



The enemies of Paganini                                     
Would spell his name as PagaNINNY.                          
"How dare they defame                                       
So famous a name,"                                          
In anger proclaimed Toscanini.                              
                                                            
43500 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Irving Superior          



The Japanese student was serious.                           
He said, "I am studying Derius.                             
My interests are various                                    
Incruding Siberius,                                         
Ruosrawski and Rassus and Berrioz.                          
                                                            
43501 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Jim Weaver Collection    



I confess I prefer even Spohr                               
To John Cage, whom I wholly abhor.                          
And listening to Carter,                                    
I feel like a martyr;                                       
For me it's a chore and a bore.                             
                                                            
43502 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



Now, Brahms and Beethoven and Bach                          
Are as fine as the best wines in stock,                     
But boogie and blues                                        
Remind me of booze--                                        
And Bartok of gin in a crock.                               
                                                            
43503 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Norm Storer              



The result of some nasty Bartok                             
Was a Mahler's Faure Offenbach.                             
"Now aren't these Menotti?"                                 
Said Handel Scarlatti,                                      
"Haydn these Sessions in Bach!"                             
                                                            
43504 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Kathleen A. Martin  P8302



Frescobaldi, a Barber for Boyce,                            
Schoeck the Bloch with his Weill singing voice.             
Des Prez he'll move on                                      
And not for Karajan                                         
Cutting hair so Carulli with noise!                         
                                                            
43505 MUSIC - COMPOSERS - SEVERAL    Kathleen A. Martin  P8302



Now I've known some men who could toot                      
With percussion, tuba and flute.                            
A mean 1810,                                                
Not deadly but then,                                        
Comes the blast of his 10 gun salute.                       
                                                            
43506 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Jim Weaver Collection    



There's an orchestra playing in Beale                       
Whose conductor is far from ideal.                          
To conclude a sonata,                                       
He starts the fermata,                                      
Then leaves for a seven-course meal.                        
                                                            
43507 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Wendi Hoffenberg         



A conductor, Guiseppe Sinopoli,                             
Was determined to do the thing properly.                    
His Aida would play                                         
On sets by Erte,                                            
With direction by Francis Ford Coppoli.                     
                                                            
43508 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Marc Davidson            



In Boston they await the arrival                            
Of a play considered archival.                              
Oh alas. and alack,                                         
Arthur is coming back;                                      
"Fiedler On the Roof," a revival.                           
                                                            
43509 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Thomas Patton       P0306



A tone-deaf conductor named Treadwell                       
Sincerely believed that he led well,                        
But the brasses did surges                                  
While the woodwinds played dirges--                         
Or so said the critics, and said well.                      
                                                            
43510 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             William K. Alsop    P9209



Conductors, though quite ornamental,                        
Do tend to be too tempermental;                             
When it's time to rehearse,                                 
They frequently curse                                       
And say thing that no well bred gent'll.                    
                                                            
43511 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Ron Rubin                



A latecomer making his way,                                 
Disturbed almost all of Row J.                              
When admonished, "Wrong Door!"                              
He whipped out a score,                                     
But his DayGlo baton was quite fey.                         
                                                            
43512 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                      



A guitar player frets while he waits,                       
As the trumpeter blows his in haste.                        
The drummer percusses                                       
And softly discusses,                                       
His sexlife with dear Maestro Bates.                        
                                                            
43513 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Anon                     



There was a conductor named Rhodium                         
Whose concerts were played with such odium,                 
That he got no ovation                                      
Though he held a high station,                              
Till the time that he fell off the podium.                  
                                                            
43514 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2770



A presenter on Radio Three                                  
Announced: "A concerto in C --                              
And before that, the news --                                
Follows Musical Views --                                    
But first, I'm off for my tea."                             
                                                            
43515 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Jim Weaver Collection    



This is not offered as a mere joke:                         
Charismatic conductor, Max Stoke,                           
Said, "Since joy does abound                                
From its harmonic sound,                                    
My dear colleagues, let's go for Baroque."                  
                                                            
43516 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



The band played on through the night,                       
Spewing epics of olfactory delight.                         
The conductor raised the baton,                             
Urging the band to play on.                                 
But fell limp when the 2nd movement took flight.            
                                                            
43517 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                      



'Twas the springtime recital last eve'                      
Where we played -- both of us -- I believe.                 
Liam played the "Queen's hind."                             
It was simply devine --                                     
"Danny Boy" played with such joie de vive.                  
                                                            
43518 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Hilde na Beag            



I would have played Bach, but despite                       
My practice, I can't get it right!                          
Though I err on web pages,                                  
The thought that engages,                                   
Is "My Bach is Worse than my Byte                           
                                                            
43519 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Hilde na Beag            



I could have played kilted, I swear it,                     
But prudence would not let me wear it.                      
Though I wear it with pride,                                
I feel funny inside,                                        
Thinking if I bend down, I might bare it!                   
                                                            
43520 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Hilde na Beag            



I could have played worse, it is true,                      
But when playing as I often do,                             
I flow with the spirit.                                     
I'm charmed when I hear it,                                 
And never wake up till I'm through.                         
                                                            
43521 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Hilde na Beag            



First a fly got caught in my hair.                          
Then it waltzed 'round my right hand -- I swear --          
As I played music soft,                                     
So I plumb knocked it off                                   
And continued the piece Bach to there.                      
                                                            
43522 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Hilde na Beag            



There once was a tune company.                              
That grabbed hold of a cut by G.V.                          
They added a beat                                           
To give people a treat,                                     
But the listeners didn't agree.                             
                                                            
43523 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Jim Weaver Collection    



An opera conductor named Paton                              
Conducted a score with his hat on.                          
By wiggling his ear,                                        
His toes and his rear,                                      
He contrived to dispense with a baton.                      
                                                            
43524 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Joseph Rosenthal    P9210



A conductor, Sir Montague Stratton,                         
Bruised his bald head with his baton.                       
It caused him such pain,                                    
He cried, "Never again!"                                    
And now he conducts with his hat on.                        
                                                            
43525 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                 P8302



The conductor had raised up his baton;                      
Saw a choir member still had her hat on.                    
He lowered the stick;                                       
The hat came off quick.                                     
He had time to put his cravat on.                           
                                                            
43526 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Arthur Pattaffy          



A student conductor called Russ                             
Would boast to his lady-friends, thus:                      
"Mark my words -- I'll go far!"                             
And he did -- to Qatar,                                     
Where I hear he's conducting a bus.                         
                                                            
43527 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Ron Rubin                



A conductor of note named Umberto                           
Did what no other maestro would dare to.                    
While he brandished his cock                                
To the music of Bach,                                       
He conducted the Organ Concerto.                            
                                                            
43528 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0633



When the conductor raises his stick,                        
It's so quiet!  One could hear a watch tick.                
As he wriggles his chassis,                                 
(From the back this looks classy)                           
He admits that he won't miss a trick.                       
                                                            
43529 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Arthur Pattaffy          



When a horny conductor name Storz,                          
Had removed a girl oboist's drawers,                        
He exclaimed, climbing on,                                  
"I've a private baton                                       
That I use for nonmusical scores!"                          
                                                            
43530 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                      



A girl who will swoon for Sibelius                          
Is cogent and sesquipedalius,                               
And no man has fucked her                                   
Except a Conductor,                                         
Who tricked her by using an alias.                          
                                                            
43531 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Amego               P0001



I went to the Mud Cat Cafe,                                 
Accordion music to play,                                    
I met there fair Roxanne                                    
And squeezed her fine box an'                               
Made love's music all of the day.                           
                                                            
43532 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                      



The conductor was answering FAQ's,                          
About what made his orchestra lax:                          
"Our reeds overwork,                                        
The strings also irk.                                       
There's just too much violins and sax.                      
                                                            
43533 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Irish                    



An English conductor name Poole,                            
Conducted Brahm's First with his tool.                      
Such ambidexterity!                                         
Grace, and celerity!                                        
(The critical comment was cool.)                            
                                                            
43534 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                 G2460



A musical Imam of Hejaz                                     
Taught his favorite eunuchs to play jazz.                   
So his fucks pizzicato,                                     
Staccato, legato,                                           
Made his harem's Arabia's rages.                            
                                                            
43535 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                 G0611



This Finn with his favourite thing,                         
Conducted a choir to sing.                                  
The nuns, none too happy,                                   
Took knives to this chappie                                 
And chopped off the wee ding-a-ling.                        
                                                            
43536 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS                                      



Woody Herman made music so grand                            
In major cities 'cross the land.                            
He never did push                                           
For birds in the bush,                                      
Much preferring a bird in the hand.                         
                                                            
43537 MUSIC - CONDUCTORS             Tom Patton          P9704



There was a young man called Granger                        
Who had no conception of danger.                            
I've heard that it's true                                   
That he beat himself blue,                                  
So deranged was this Ozie arranger.                         
(Ozzie and Harriet?)                                        
43538 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Jim Weaver Collection    



Said an avant-garde jazzman named Jess                      
When asked to explain his success:                          
"I suppose it's my sound"                                   
(like cats being drowned),                                  
"And technique". (which is really a mess!)                  
                                                            
43539 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



The spectator's thought it was neat                         
When the band did their march down the street;              
For they played really swell,                               
And they marched really well,                               
And were nude from their heads to their feet.               
                                                            
43540 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Cap'n Bean               



There was also Sweet Betsy From Pike,                       
Who crossed over the mountains with Ike.                    
But when Brigham drew near,                                 
Pawing ground like a steer,                                 
They left fast and continued their hike.                    
                                                            
43541 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Hilde na Baeg            



They stopped in a town for to stay,                         
And went to the dance there one day.                        
With a miner she danced --                                  
He got so entranced,                                        
Ike left her and went on his way.                           
                                                            
43542 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Hilde na Baeg            



In ballads from time long gone by,                          
At least one poor person would die,                         
In utter disgrace                                           
And litter the place,                                       
While all the relations would cry.                          
                                                            
43543 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The classic's that bitch Barbara Allen;                     
Poor Jimmy Groves she kept stallin'.                        
It broke the lad's heart                                    
'Cause her legs she'd not part,                             
So he dies and she then starts a bawlin'...                 
                                                            
43544 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



...And goes off and dies in Nantucket.                      
They'd neither of them kicked the bucket,                   
Had she loosened her stays,                                 
When he got a raise,                                        
Laid back and enjoyed where he stuck it.                    
                                                            
43545 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



You've heard those last rhymes before?                      
Well 'tis a traditional score.                              
If it's not new to you,                                     
Call it just deja vu,                                       
You'll probably find plenty more.                           
                                                            
43546 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



So she too was laid in her grave,                           
Exhumed by a hermit named Dave,                             
Who wanting a spot                                          
Of mouldering twat,                                         
Took her away to a cave.                                    
                                                            
43547 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a perverted chick,                           
Who found that she got quite a kick                         
From digging up Jimmy                                       
And shouting "Jim, Gimme!"                                  
While bouncing on his rigid dick.                           
                                                            
43548 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The moral, for you who are lurkin',                         
Stop jerkin' your gherkin like Perkin.                      
Don't sit there and stew;                                   
Go get you a screw,                                         
And get that old mojo a-workin'.                            
                                                            
43549 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



If for sex you are making treks,                            
And frustration does you still vex,                         
Go to your corner,                                          
Like little Jack Horner,                                    
Listen to jazz, Bix Beiderbecks's.                          
                                                            
43550 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Daniel Ford              



On good advice let others write.                            
I think a song will tell it right.                          
"My Momma done told me                                      
When I was in pants (knee),                                 
The Blues In the Night.                                     
                                                            
43551 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Irving Superior     P9606



Britney's music is not much to the ear,                     
But lots of things she does to my gear.                     
Her act when I watch,                                       
Causes a stir in my crotch,                                 
And it is her brassiere and her rear.                       
                                                            
43552 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



The engagement of Britney Spears,                           
The biggest pop union in years,                             
To that N'Sync flake,                                       
Jason Timberlake,                                           
Reminds me of Sonny and Cher.                               
                                                            
43553 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tom Myers                



An A. O. P. out in Rangoon,                                 
Who took up the contrabassoon,                              
Dropped dead, so they say,                                  
While attempting to play                                    
An up-tempo 'How High the Moon'.                            
(what is an A. O. P.? - McW)                                
43554 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



A Lady from old Salt Lake City                              
Only wanted to hear Conway Twitty.                          
The day she heard rock                                      
It caused such a shock,                                     
That she lost all the fur from her kitty                    
                                                            
43555 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



It's that spherical music you see,                          
Never has appealed greatly to me.                           
It's not much of a treat.                                   
I can't dance to its beat.                                  
It's discordant and badly off key.                          
                                                            
43556 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Loren Fitzhugh      P0111



High tech is for geeks, not for hicks;                      
There's no internet in the sticks.                          
In hillbilly land                                           
If you want broad band,                                     
They take you to see Dixie Chicks.                          
                                                            
43557 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



Please comb your hair; it looks frizzy,                     
And don't go off in a tizzy.                                
Gads, look at your gait,                                    
Please try to stand straight;                               
Mr. Gillespie, you're dizzy.                                
                                                            
43558 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



A musician was writing a ditty,                             
And he thought that the tune sounded pretty.                
But the words he despised,                                  
So he called two more guys,                                 
And they formed a verse writing committee.                  
                                                            
43559 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



The committee, it could not agree.                          
The three guys each wanted to see                           
Their own words in verse.                                   
The fighting got worse,                                     
It ended with "Doo-wop" - the rest's history!               
                                                            
43560 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



A modern exponent of pop,                                   
Was asked "Wotcher think of doo-wop?                        
He replied, between grunts,                                 
"I trod in some once.                                       
Had to clean the place up with a mop."                      
                                                            
43561 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



Down Music Row, Hobo Kate Maggs,                            
For clothing probes rubbish-filled bags.                    
But all she can find                                        
To clad her behind                                          
Are jazz scores...she's now dressed in rags.                
                                                            
43562 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Their performance was fun; ours was staid.                  
They did -- and we didn't -- get paid.                      
We thought it sufficient                                    
To be hiply proficient.                                     
The others just got drunk and played.                       
                                                            
43563 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         John Gauger              



Rap music is fun for the masses;                            
It shakes down their salacious asses.                       
But its tales of rapine                                     
Told with gerunds obscene,                                  
Like Dizzy on free jazz, "I passes."                        
                                                            
43564 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Bruce Thompson           



Young Gerry the jazz man, it's said,                        
Is enormous; so girls give him head.                        
He shoots gallons of jizz,                                  
But the truth of it is                                      
Only Ella Fitzgerald in bed.                                
                                                            
43565 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Peter Wilkins            



Johnny, he played in a band.                                
Played a guitar with one hand.                              
The other was busy,                                         
In a blur - in a tizzy.                                     
'Cause the drummer, he liked to be fanned.                  
                                                            
43566 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



In folk songs, a lady in mink or                            
Furs, will fall hook line and sinker,                       
For the rough rural charms                                  
And the strong hairy arms                                   
Of a traveling gypsy or tinker.                             
                                                            
43567 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Such a wandering urge has not died,                         
Although this type of man's rareifed.                       
So alternative trades                                       
Must appeal to young maids,                                 
And the old songs must be modified...                       
                                                            
43568 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Oh, where is the sweet Lady Anne-o?                         
She's off on a plane to Lugano.                             
That randy old bag                                          
If off with the rag-                                        
gle taggle insurance man-o.                                 
                                                            
43569 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



This proverb, I think, now applies:                         
"A word fitly offered is wise,                              
And no word is wrong                                        
If used for a song,                                         
For then it's for ears and not eyes."                       
                                                            
43570 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



For rock stars I'd not give a toss;                         
Likewise models of fashion, all floss.                      
But it's true what they say,                                
(I just realized today)                                     
That a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.                       
                                                            
43571 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



A madcap punk rocker called Bostock                         
Once played in East Germany (Rostock),                      
Where he smashed his guitar                                 
On a large Commissar:                                       
Now he's mining in far Vladivostok.                         
                                                            
43572 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



In Basin Street they do not know.                           
In every honky-tonk I go,                                   
Of folks who play and sing,                                 
I ask a simple thing --                                     
Was Heidi's last name really Ho?                            
                                                            
43573 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Irving Superior     P8701



Any tune that you like, I can hum.                          
While my fingers gently strum,                              
A soft lullaby,                                             
To hard rock, oh my,                                        
Now you're humming and I'm going to come!                   
                                                            
43574 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



Rock and Roll ain't, like harmonic;                         
To teens it is mainly a tonic.                              
We know that it's loud;                                     
It attracts a large crowd.                                  
We know for a fact that it's sonic.                         
                                                            
43575 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Jim Weaver Collection    



A jazzman who went out to Italy                             
Reviewed his career somewhat bitterly:                      
"Those cats out in Tuscanny,"                               
He said, "just can't busk any,                              
But they do play their folksongs quite prettily."           
                                                            
43576 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



Today is the birthday I see,                                
For Rock and Roll star Jerry Lee.                           
He's now 68,                                                
But has he still great                                      
Balls of fire, or was that just VD.                         
                                                            
43577 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



I love to hear Joe play the blues,                          
His technique says it all, and behooves                     
Any newbie sax player                                       
To kneel down in prayer,                                    
Vainly trying to learn all Joe's grooves.                   
                                                            
43578 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ystap                    



Although Maisie ate like a pig,                             
And thus was far more than a twig,                          
She went off on tour                                        
As the Rolling Stones' whore,                               
To a Mick Jagger jig-a-jig gig.                             
                                                            
43579 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



A back up singer named Mavis                                
Thought, "Let the music save us."                           
Just so he'd know,                                          
She told her new beau                                       
"For my love you'd walk miles, Davis."                      
                                                            
43580 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



Since Monogamous Three looked like fun,                     
Said my friend: "Let's go do like they've done --           
As Anomalous Two,                                           
Jazz organum we'll do;                                      
I'll rap chants as Monophonous One."                        
                                                            
43581 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Jonathan Gilbert         



There was an old Jazzman called Wood,                       
Whose playing was no bloody good;                           
He idolized Louis,                                          
But his 'Cornet Chop Suey'                                  
Was much more like 'Trumpet Rice Pud'.                      
                                                            
43582 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



A pop singer who features the blues,                        
Collapsed when he heard the bad news.                       
He had slipped down the charts;                             
He no longer broke hearts;                                  
He felt he had blown his main fuse!                         
                                                            
43583 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Arthur Pattaffy          



A young active dancer named Clive                           
Attempted to reintroduce jive.                              
The girls that he'd ask                                     
Were not up to the task,                                    
They proved to be hard to revive.                           
                                                            
43584 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Arthur Pattaffy          



A retired jazz musician named Joe                           
Said his long life had always been go.                      
Now that he's had his chips,                                
His worn out "hot lips",                                    
Are both pursed up with nothing to blow.                    
                                                            
43585 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Arthur Pattaffy          



A senile musician named James                               
Played a gig for the old folks in Thames.                   
Since my dong is a rope,                                    
Thought James, I just hope                                  
I'll be able to gum all the dames.                          
                                                            
43586 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Anon                     



I went to a bar on the strand                               
To hear my friend's naturist band.                          
They're gorgeous brunettes                                  
And they finished their set                                 
To the sound of one clapping hand.                          
                                                            
43587 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



"My Bonny lies over the ocean" -                            
Around here that's a popular notion.                        
Yet most would choose "in"                                  
Over "over" therein                                         
Or "the Jordan" instead of "the ocean".                     
                                                            
43588 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



A piccolo player called Armit                               
Who bought a pet snake, tried to charm it.                  
It couldn't resist                                          
Count Basie and Liszt,                                      
But Stockhausen seemed to alarm it.                         
                                                            
43589 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



A keen jazz musician called Mallory                         
Once asked for an increase in salary.                       
Said the Governor, "No way!                                 
Till you buck up and play                                   
Less bebop and more to the gallery."                        
                                                            
43590 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



A gifted young cat from the Bronx,                          
Plays horn in some wild honky-tonks;                        
Said his boss, "It's a waste                                
To show any good taste;                                     
Give 'em plenty of growls, squeaks, and honks."             
                                                            
43591 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



There was a young lady named Hatch,                         
Who doted on music by Bach.                                 
She played with her pussy                                   
To "The Faun" by Debussy,                                   
But to ragtime, she just scratched her snatch.              
                                                            
43592 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                             L1276



Grandfather decided to RAP                                  
But his singing created a flap.                             
Gramma lost all her poise                                   
When she heard all that noise,                              
So she asked him to please shut his trap.                   
                                                            
43593 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Roy Gateley              



The mummy was looking quite dapper                          
"Got rich from my music, Old Chapper                        
'Cause the music that comes                                 
When my bandages hum,                                       
Has made me the world's greatest wrapper!"                  
                                                            
43594 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



There are groups with peculiar names;                       
To the gigs come the punks and their dames.                 
Hairs of many hues,                                         
Sandals, sneakers, no shoes;                                
If there's trouble, it's part of their games.               
                                                            
43595 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Arthur Pattaffy          



I gave to my old maiden aunt                                
A CD of Gregorian Chant.                                    
She said, "Sod those monks.                                 
I prefer to hear hunks."                                    
So she put on some loud Robert Plant.                       
                                                            
43596 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Jim Weaver Collection    



In the sixties, the Stones sang a tune,                     
And panties around them were strewn.                        
The girls had a pash                                        
For Mick's Jumping Jack Flash,                              
But usually they just saw Keith Moon.                       
                                                            
43597 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The chief Groupie was Marianne;                             
Faithful she was to her man.                                
But without her rock star,                                  
She preferred a Mars bar,                                   
In order to get satisfaction.                               
                                                            
43598 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



And it seem Jagger's Little Red Rooster,                    
Is as active as it ever used ter.                           
If some pregnant chick                                      
Claims the father is Mick,                                  
I reckon he did more than goosed her.                       
                                                            
43599 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



This little old man from Montana,                           
He married a woman named Hannah.                            
She soon made him quite sick                                
By her choice in music                                      
She only liked stuff by "Santana."                          
                                                            
43600 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



A man from old Tuscaloosa                                   
Thought he could write tunes like Sousa.                    
His endeavor was bold                                       
And he hit Grammy Gold                                      
With a tune he called "Shake your caboosa."                 
                                                            
43601 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tomer Shiran             



There was a young jazzman called Chet,                      
Who launched a progressive octet;                           
The critics were ecstatic,                                  
But the end was traumatic,                                  
And Chet is six thousand in debt.                           
                                                            
43602 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



An old lady swallowed a fly;                                
But of course the old dear didn't die.                      
She relished the taste                                      
And caught more in haste,                                   
And baked them all up in a pie.                             
                                                            
43603 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The old lady swallowed a spider;                            
She felt the thing wriggle inside her;                      
She stopped the sensation                                   
With intoxication,                                          
And drowned the arachnid inside her.                        
                                                            
43604 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The old lady swallowed a bird.                              
No, not all at once, that's absurd.                         
I don't wish to slander                                     
That nice Colonel Sanders,                                  
But she thinks 'twas not feathered but furred.              
                                                            
43605 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The old lady swallowed a cat,                               
In chow mein, from old Chinese Pat.                         
She needed a nurse,                                         
But it could have been worse;                               
Quite often he fries up a rat.                              
                                                            
43606 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The old lady swallowed a dog;                               
'Twas cooked up by my cousin, Lee Ogg.                      
She claims 'twas delicious,                                 
But I am suspicious;                                        
I am sure that her tubes it will clog.                      
                                                            
43607 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The old lady swallowed a cow;                               
That's easy enough; this is how:                            
In burgers and pies,                                        
With peas and french fries.                                 
She's a CJD variant now.                                    
                                                            
43608 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The old lady swallowed a horse;                             
That's CJD's symptoms, of course.                           
The horse wasn't pleased                                    
And lifted his knees,                                       
And kicked with considerable force.                         
                                                            
43609 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



I'm told she was holding a spoon,                           
And gripping it tight.  She was soon                        
High soaring, and now                                       
You know how the cow                                        
And all else jumped over the moon.                          
                                                            
43610 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



The big boss of Canardia Discs                              
Is a chef's son -- he's one of the Fisks.                   
So his latest release                                       
Is four ounces of grease                                    
In a slipcase. He likes taking risks.                       
                                                            
43611 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Jim Weaver Collection    



A trad band from Aix-la-Chapelle                            
Once went on a short tour of Hell.                          
They played 'When the Saints',                              
(Not many complaints)                                       
And met their old agent as well.                            
                                                            
43612 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



Our Cedric, fine music does play,                           
Till the lassies just all melt away.                        
They tip him with dollars                                   
Tucked in shorts and in collars,                            
But there's another way they'd like to pay.                 
                                                            
43613 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Carol                    



While going to Widdecombe fair,                             
On old Tom Pearce's grey mare,                              
On the Taunton bypass                                       
She slipped on her ass,                                     
And sat there, her nose in the air.                         
                                                            
43614 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Harry Hawk said, "Now there's no doubt,                     
What the nag needs is a clout."                             
So we gave her a smack,                                     
But she just arched her back,                               
And let a terrific fart out.                                
                                                            
43615 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Jan Stewer said "That ain't no good.                        
Try giving the creature some food.                          
Find her something to eat."                                 
So we offered a beet,                                       
But it didn't change the beast's mood.                      
                                                            
43616 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



Then Peter, the programmer bold                             
Said "We'll all climb off onto the road.                    
Then return to her back,                                    
She's just like my Mac,                                     
All you need do is reload.                                  
                                                            
43617 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Tiddy Ogg                



So stupid was I when quite young                            
To sing one damn song that I sung;                          
It now makes me wince                                       
To think I was dense                                        
And sang how Tom Dooley was hung.                           
                                                            
43618 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ                                  



Music today is heretic;                                     
The raucous noise quite emetic.                             
Lyrics not limpid,                                          
Sounds quite insipid;                                       
Decibels loud and frenetic.                                 
                                                            
43619 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Chris Papa               



Modern "music" just isn't for me.                           
From such noise, though, I'll never be free.                
A wild discordant crash                                     
Marks such deafening trash,                                 
As the gross din of iniquity.                               
                                                            
43620 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



There was an old drummer named Biggs                        
Who kept a baboon in his digs;                              
He taught it 'Take Five'                                    
And how to talk jive                                        
And it carried his drumkit to gigs.                         
                                                            
43621 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



A rock 'n' roll singer from Tring                           
Was convinced his career would take wing;                   
But he never quite clicked,                                 
For the public felt tricked                                 
When they found out the fellow could sing.                  
                                                            
43622 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Ron Rubin                



A pop group that is called Vampire Bats,                    
On stage used black coats and black hats.                   
Their stage presentation                                    
Brings forth condemnation,                                  
As they expose themselves to the cool cats!                 
                                                            
43623 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Arthur Pattaffy          



There is a young lady named Rose,                           
Who has music wherever she goes.                            
Every hour of the day                                       
At her work, home, and play,                                
Her walkman keeps her tapping her toes.                     
                                                            
43624 MUSIC - FOLK/ROCK/JAZZ         Arthur Pattaffy          



This opera is gradually sapping                             
My strength, and I find myself napping.                     
I really don't need a                                       
Refrain from "Aida";                                        
I'll close with my refrain from "Clapping".                 
                                                            
43625 MUSIC - OPERA                  Gerry Busch              



For Aida, in spite of her station,                          
Radames is a mighty temptation                              
(It's her system fallopian,                                 
Which is pure Ethiopian,                                    
Where she'd miss all the miscegenation).                    
                                                            
43626 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



To mellow my dear little Rita,                              
With tunes from the opera I treata;                         
Thinks me most charmin'                                     
When I hum bits from Carmen,                                
And really turns on if Aida.                                
                                                            
43627 MUSIC - OPERA                  Ed Potts            P8602



A Ramfis with golden Bronx voice                            
Lost that "jene sais quoi" (it got woice).                  
His career took a veer                                      
(Wayward spear in the rear)                                 
Now his fached-up Aida's first choice.                      
                                                            
43628 MUSIC - OPERA                                           



"Ecco'me al fin in Bab'lonia",                              
With no way to write ya or phone ya.                        
First, I'll find Semiramide                                 
Then grab her and scram; if they                            
Catch you in drag here, they'll stone ya.                   
                                                            
43629 MUSIC - OPERA                  Robin K. Willoughby P8602



Though old Bartolo thinks her the fount                     
Of a dowry of lavish amount,                                
The connubial knotting,                                     
Thanks to Figarro's plotting,                               
Sees Rosina go down for the Count.                          
                                                            
43630 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



The music's not nearly enough;                              
The drama's the corniest stuff;                             
But a svelte prima donna                                    
Without a stitch onna,                                      
Now that makes an opera buff.                               
                                                            
43631 MUSIC - OPERA                  Ed Potts            P8602



He lives in a loft in Paree,                                
She comes in and loses her key                              
They go to town and they sup,                               
Fall in love and break up.                                  
And then she dies of TB.                                    
                                                            
43632 MUSIC - OPERA                  Tom Hamilton             



If a Gypsy who hangs out in bars,                           
And manufactures cigars,                                    
Throws a flower at you,                                     
And swears she'll be true,                                  
She'll betray you in just a few hours.                      
                                                            
43633 MUSIC - OPERA                  Tom Hamilton             



Then Carmen with rose in her teeth                          
With heaving bosom underneath,                              
Would her red skirt whirl                                   
And her thighs unfurl,                                      
And penises would start to breathe.                         
                                                            
43634 MUSIC - OPERA                  Irving Superior     P9803



A cigarette girl from Seville                               
Has no need to rely on the pill;                            
When her lover, Jose                                        
Wants a roll in the hay,                                    
She says, "Not tonight, darling, I'm ill."                  
                                                            
43635 MUSIC - OPERA                  Steve Brown         P8803



Why did worldly-wise Carmen take flight                     
With Jose in the dark of the night?                         
He was ardent and fair, he                                  
'd be her first male cherry,                                
And she fancied a Basque by moonlight.                      
                                                            
43636 MUSIC - OPERA                  Robin K. Willoughby P8602



The opera's a terrible bore.                                
That Carmen's no more than a whore.                         
Snored through Rigoletto                                    
(Forgot the libretto)                                       
And what's that damned racket, the score?                   
                                                            
43637 MUSIC - OPERA                  Artie Troll              



For the folks in Sevilla with pull                          
Escomillo is splitting his bull.                            
While our hero Jose?                                        
(How bizarre of Bizet!)                                     
Carving Carmen, enjoyed to the full.                        
                                                            
43638 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



A sweet prima donna Miss Cass                               
Sang Carmen in manner first class,                          
But her tremolo sneers                                      
Did shatter the spheres                                     
Of the men with glass balls from Madras.                    
                                                            
43639 MUSIC - OPERA                  Al Chaplin          P8602



A grand opera diva named Dowd                               
Can hit high notes remarkably loud,                         
Produced by the heavage                                     
And slendiferous cleavage                                   
That brings cries of delight from the crowd.                
                                                            
43640 MUSIC - OPERA                  Armand E Singer       204



The soprano was really a cutie                              
At the opera, Cosi Fan Tutti.                               
But you won't find me there,                                
'Cause my favorite "long hair":                             
Little Richard, who sings Tutti Frutti!                     
                                                            
43641 MUSIC - OPERA                  Dick Potts          P8602



"Les Dialogues des Carmelites"                              
Has a plot that is not short and sweet,                     
But the great final scene                                   
(Poor nuns "au guillotine")                                 
Is a pulse-stirring technical feat.                         
                                                            
43642 MUSIC - OPERA                  Robin K. Willoughby P8602



Not one woman succumbs to his spell                         
In the opera, so how can you tell                           
That the Don's a great sinner?                              
Asking statures to dinner                                   
Is enough, though, to send him to hell.                     
                                                            
43643 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



Leporello, his pander, keeps score                          
For the Don, a philandering bore,                           
Who is feeling satiety                                      
From excessive variety                                      
In this hunt for a blue-blooded whore.                      
                                                            
43644 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



For swift-patter songs, D'Oyly Carte                        
Made lightning delivery an art.                             
But too much bravado                                        
Once spoiled his Mikado:                                    
He climaxed Act II with a fart.                             
                                                            
43645 MUSIC - OPERA                  Armand E Singer       623



The dragoon Carmen found to excite her,                     
But at times she preferred the bullfighter.                 
"Which should I ball?"                                      
She asked Monty Hall.                                       
"Picador", was his answer to spite her.                     
                                                            
43646 MUSIC - OPERA                                           



Elgar's opera, 'At The Boar's Head',                        
As a title makes no one's face red,                         
Save for Jessica Snood's--                                  
The prude of all prudes--                                   
Who thinks of what Spooner would have said!                 
                                                            
43647 MUSIC - OPERA                                      G2265



A basso proundo named Totum                                 
Tried singing the Largo Factotum.                           
When he sang 'Figaro'                                       
The notes were so low                                       
That he rattled his balls in his scrotum.                   
                                                            
43648 MUSIC - OPERA                  Albin Chaplin 3024  P8602



That crafty old gent, Gianni Schicchi,                      
Has a fund-raising scheme that's unique; he                 
Impersonates Buoso,                                         
Wills himself Buoso's dough, so                             
The true heirs are all up the creek-y.                      
                                                            
43649 MUSIC - OPERA                  Steve Brown         P8803



The Gilbert and Sulivan spices                              
Spoofed dark grand opera in trices,                         
And always made fun                                         
Of the heedless one                                         
Who forgot about paying prices.                             
                                                            
43650 MUSIC - OPERA                  Daniel                   



Despite HMS Pinafore's fame,                                
Captain Corcoran's losing the game,                         
Till his true rank is shown                                 
To be Buttercup's own,                                      
While his daughter's and Ralph's are the same!              
                                                            
43651 MUSIC - OPERA                  Prof M-G           TP9806



"Although most of the cultural set                          
Despise the wild western," said Bret,                       
"La Fanciulla del West                                      
Leaves the aesthetes impressed                              
When the horse opera's sung at the Met."                    
                                                            
43652 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8412



Of a TROUBADOUR, they tell a story;                         
It's an opera call "Il Travatore."                          
The score is melodious,                                     
But the plot is odious,                                     
With scenes both silly and gory.                            
                                                            
43653 MUSIC - OPERA                  Norm Brust               



"Il Trav" reminds us that we should                         
Be careful, if we can't be good.                            
And try to aspire                                           
When at Gypsies'fire,                                       
To not throw in the babe with the wood.                     
                                                            
43654 MUSIC - OPERA                  Chris Papa               



As Adina is less than impressed                             
By his passionate lover's behest,                           
Nemorino will fix her                                       
With his swig of elixir --                                  
Though what works is his uncle's bequest.                   
                                                            
43655 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



As Rodolfo wants Mimi to see,                               
Both their love and their lunch can be free;                
She's the toast of the Quarter,                             
But her breath becomes shorter,                             
And she dies with her sighs at high G.                      
                                                            
43656 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



Oh, Mimi, your patties are cold!                            
You should have something hotter to hold --                 
When you've held it enough,                                 
Then I'll buy you a muff                                    
With my friend Schaunard's last piece of gold.              
                                                            
43657 MUSIC - OPERA                  Robin K. Willoughby P8602



If like me, you can't stand La Boheme,                      
(I was right; I can hear bubbling phlegm.)                  
Then you'll doubtless concur                                
It is odd about her;                                        
And I've heard Figaro's one of them.                        
                                                            
43658 MUSIC - OPERA                  Bill Wall                



Violetta is weak in the chest,                              
Yet Alfredo will give her no rest.                          
Since he's mad for her genes;                               
Then his dad intervenes...                                  
And her death scene is one of the best.                     
                                                            
43659 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



Traviata awaits her demise,                                 
A condition her big arse belies.                            
Can we make the assumption                                  
That she'll die from consumption,                           
Overlooking the fat lady's size?                            
                                                            
43660 MUSIC - OPERA                  William N Nesbit         



An insatiable Elsinore whore,                               
Once toured with the Met's Trovatore.                       
But when she got through                                    
With a tenor she knew,                                      
She thought she had done Le Coq d'Or.                       
                                                            
43661 MUSIC - OPERA                                           



The Russians musicians are sore,                            
And the symphony players deplore                            
The fact that the louse                                     
Who runs the crack house                                    
Is calling the place Le Coq d'Or.                           
                                                            
43662 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8803



To its other uses refer,                                    
As when Gilbert uses DEFER,                                 
He means to bow down                                        
To big man in town,                                         
The "Lord High Executioner."                                
                                                            
43663 MUSIC - OPERA                  Chris Papa               



At the Met, Impresario Flynn                                
Staged a cow with a voice genuine.                          
As she sang through Act I,                                  
She appeared highly strung--                                
All she did in Act II--low and grin.                        
                                                            
43664 MUSIC - OPERA                  Al Chaplin          P9206



Sweet Lucia just hasn't a chance                            
Once she's wed to the wrong pair of pants.                  
But she hastens her doom                                    
When she chastens her groom                                 
With a dirk, in a tremolo trance.                           
                                                            
43665 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



She undressed for more men than a stripper.                 
When they died for her, she remained chipper.               
She thought nothing could stop her,                         
But she came a cropper                                      
When Lulu picked up Jack the Ripper.                        
                                                            
43666 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



As a hero Tamine is slack.                                  
Thought he faints at the serpent's attack.                  
He has more than one friend                                 
And so in the end                                           
He does get his lady friend back.                           
                                                            
43667 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



Papageno is lusty, unsated,                                 
But Tamino is justly elated,                                
For the Queen of the Night                                  
(Who can trill out-of-sight)                                
Has a daughter who's thrilled to be mated.                  
                                                            
43668 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



Manon and Des Grieux, at finale,                            
Have been banished, for choosing to dally,                  
To the deserts of Florida,                                  
(What could be horrida?)                                    
Since Puccini had no Rand McNally.                          
                                                            
43669 MUSIC - OPERA                  Robin K. Willoughby P8602



The Marriage of Figaro's dandy                              
'Cause Mozart, who wrote it, was randy.                     
But the lead prima donna                                    
Doesn't look like Madonna --                                
She's been gorging on cookies and candy.                    
                                                            
43670 MUSIC - OPERA                  Dick Potts          P8602



Rothbart was meaner than shit,                              
'Cause Odile was somewhat of a pit.                         
When all hell broke loose,                                  
He knew 'twas no use,                                       
Rothbart's peter gave Queenie a fit.                        
                                                            
43671 MUSIC - OPERA                  Pooh                     



A tenor who sang at the Palace                              
Found a welt on the tip of his phallus                      
While performing Medea                                      
With a diva Maria.                                          
Diagnosis? A Maria callus.                                  
                                                            
43672 MUSIC - OPERA                  Martin Wellborn     P8602



Will the Baron succeed in his plot?                         
Can he capture the widow, or not,                           
For his indigent State?                                     
With Danilo as bait,                                        
They can keep her both merry, and hot.                      
                                                            
43673 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



Pollione produced a sensation                               
By admitting he had a relation                              
With the Arch-Druid's daughter.                             
He explained that he sought her                             
Because he favored normalization.                           
                                                            
43674 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



As a partisan, Norma's a flop --                            
Who can tell why she fell for a Wop?                        
His imperial fluid                                          
Made a Mom of our Druid:                                    
Pollion's her little one's Pop.                             
                                                            
43675 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



In Stravinsky, Jocasta suspects                             
The truth which her husband rejects.                        
In the end, once it's clear,                                
There is Creon to steer                                     
The city-state Oedipus wrecks.                              
                                                            
43676 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



Given over to wanton excess,                                
With carnality they did obsess.                             
Spending great energy                                       
In abject synergy.                                          
Who?  None other that Orgy and Bess.                        
                                                            
43677 MUSIC - OPERA                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



Claudio cried, "This finale's a flop!                       
All those Furies continue to bop                            
Young Orpheus on the head;                                  
The poor guy looks half-dead.                               
It's just gross! Tell the fat one to stop!"                 
                                                            
43678 MUSIC - OPERA                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Though some wives give men so much flack                    
That marriage is hellish to hack,                           
Orpheus, when his bride                                     
Caught the miseries and died,                               
Went to hell just to bring his wife back.                   
                                                            
43679 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



"Come on guys, and give me a break",                        
The tenor cried, starting to quake.                         
The thought of Otello                                       
Turns strong men to jello,                                  
When they want a Delmonico steak.                           
                                                            
43680 MUSIC - OPERA                  Bob Seigler              



In Central Park a young rapist named Bass                   
Saw a sweet piece of ass in the grass.                      
As he went for the crotch he                                
Hummed the tune "Pagliacci"                                 
And the sweet piece of ass said, "That's class."            
                                                            
43681 MUSIC - OPERA                  Fred Cohen          P8602



Whenever Pagliacci I sing,                                  
My wife to her ears, her hands cling,                       
And jests at my flaws.                                      
On high notes I pause...                                    
Then slobber the rest of the thing.                         
                                                            
43682 MUSIC - OPERA                  Irving Superior          



The hero was distant and cool                               
When Kundry, the sorcerer's tool,                           
Took off every thread                                       
To get him in bed,                                          
When Parsifal still was a fool.                             
                                                            
43683 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



A cocky old stager named Lee                                
Smirked, "No need for parties with tea,                     
Nor lacrosse, bridge, or puttin',                           
'Cause I've plenty of nuttin'                               
And nuttin's plenty for me."                                
                                                            
43684 MUSIC - OPERA                  Armand E Singer       639



The Duke of city-state Mantuan                              
Had a sexual organ gargantuan;                              
He said to Gilda "You see, miss,                            
It's more than a penis,                                     
It's a ducal device to romance you on.                      
                                                            
43685 MUSIC - OPERA                  Steve Brown         P8803



Opera doesn't give me a clue.                               
The plots are as sticky as glue.                            
They rigged Rigaletto                                       
And lost the libretto.                                      
The finale was played to a few.                             
                                                            
43686 MUSIC - OPERA                  Joseph Eldridge          



Rigoletto has fun with seduction                            
Till his daughter's undone through abduction;               
They he lays for the Duke,                                  
But it's heaven's rebuke                                    
That the baggage gets bagged in the ruction.                
                                                            
43687 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



"Jokanaan," young Salome said,                              
"I long for your body in bed."                              
But although she insisted,                                  
The prophet resisted,                                       
So that all that she got was his head.                      
                                                            
43688 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



A man who no nuance did know,                               
During Salome, got up to go.                                
When asked, "Dare you flee?"                                
Grumped "It's all Grieg to me --                            
I just came for the veils with Velcro!"                     
                                                            
43689 MUSIC - OPERA                                           



At a Straussian Gala -- Row B (me),                         
Under Salome's veils -- no bikini!                          
A peculiar discomfort,                                      
Bumped me, not from the trumpet,                            
But behind, from a nervous Row C knee.                      
                                                            
43690 MUSIC - OPERA                                           



When Sampson appeared at the feast,                         
Saint-Saens had him call her a beast,                       
And complain that his wife,                                 
When she wielded the knife,                                 
Might have left him his sideburns, at least.                
                                                            
43691 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



A new opera's titled "Sonia,"                               
Whose heroine dies of pneumonia,                            
While tenor survives                                        
To recall their lives,                                      
Sex, pot, AIDS, EUDEMONIA.                                  
                                                            
43692 MUSIC - OPERA                  Chris Papa               



Soprano, who title role plays                               
In at 250 pounds weighs.                                    
Which stretches our view                                    
Of what such folks do,                                      
Even in their most halcyon days.                            
                                                            
43693 MUSIC - OPERA                  Chris Papa               



There's no sadness in Sorrento.                             
That's the song the residents know.                         
In SORRENTO -- all they play,                               
In SORRENTO -- night and day.                               
Few apartments there for rent though.                       
                                                            
43694 MUSIC - OPERA                  Irving Superior          



No, the Barcarolle isn't for me,                            
At least not as far as I see.                               
While some have a devotion                                  
To its smooth rowing motion,                                
When I hear it, I think, 'Broccoli.'                        
                                                            
43695 MUSIC - OPERA                  L C Fitzhugh        P0111



The good monk said, "I'll save your soul, cookie."          
But Thais says, "Come sleep with me, rookie."               
So that he, to his cost,                                    
Though he saves her, is lost,                               
And can now think of nothing but nooky.                     
                                                            
43696 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



For this will be a jolly court, for little and for big!     
From morn to night our lives shall be as merry as a grig!   
All state and ceremony we'll eternally abolish --           
We don't mean to insist on unecessary polish --             
And, on the whole, I rather think you'll find our rule      
     tollolish!                                             
43697 MUSIC - OPERA                  W S Gilbert              



A TROUBADOUR named Nanki-Poo,                               
A creation of Gilbert and you-know-who.                     
Dressed in shreds and patches;                              
His matrimonial matches                                     
Came to the awkward number of two.                          
                                                            
43698 MUSIC - OPERA                  Norm Brust               



Nanki-Poo, as the rascal was known                          
'Til TROUBADOUR cover was blown,                            
Paraded through town                                        
In a tattered gown,                                         
Disguised as a second trombone.                             
                                                            
43699 MUSIC - OPERA                  Chris Papa               



A diva once, meeting Corelli,                               
Sang Floria flat on her belly.                              
Her version of Tosca                                        
Would win her an Osca'                                      
If only it got on the telly.                                
                                                            
43700 MUSIC - OPERA                  Bob Seigler              



Baron Scarpia, seeking to bribe her,                        
Finds in Tosca a diva with fiber:                           
For his lecherous heat                                      
She'll fillet him like meat,                                
Lose her lover, then leap in the Tiber.                     
                                                            
43701 MUSIC - OPERA                  C. Webster Wheelock P8602



A Tosca who jumped from a height,                           
Bouncing back, was a breathtaking sight.                    
Her rival, when hired,                                      
From a cannon was fired;                                    
Quite a BOOM, since the fit was so tight.                   
                                                            
43702 MUSIC - OPERA                                           



The trajectory, graceful not crude,                         
Created a scandalous mood.                                  
'Twas the sight of those bloomers                           
That started the rumors:                                    
Her replacement is singing it nude!                         
                                                            
43703 MUSIC - OPERA                                           



Little Miles, just a schoolboy it's true,                   
Of the sex act knows one thing or two.                      
But the governess, jealous,                                 
James and Britten both tell us,                             
Does not ever get her turn to screw.                        
                                                            
43704 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



The symphony crescendo dies.                                
A voice is hear, "...like mine with fries!"                 
The patrons of the arts                                     
Who commit verbal farts,                                    
Don't always eat wearing white ties.                        
                                                            
43705 MUSIC - OPERA                  Marlene                  



The contralto was pretty and plump;                         
William Tell quickly wanted to hump;                        
When the overture played                                    
On the charms of the maid:                                  
Titty Rump, Titty Rump, Titty Rump Rump Rump.               
                                                            
43706 MUSIC - OPERA                  Ed Potts            P8602



Pirate Zampa, an infamous clown,                            
Seduced women in town after town,                           
Till a statue of Alice --                                   
He'd betrayed her with malice --                            
Tossed him into the ocean to drown.                         
                                                            
43707 MUSIC - OPERA                  A. N. Wilkins       P8602



How the Rhinemaiden's treasure became a ring:               
Noisy dwarves at their anvils a-hammering:                  
This is Alberic's Curse;                                    
It can only get worse:                                      
Three more operas and then -- Gotterdammerung!              
                                                            
43708 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Steve Brown         P8802



Part two of the Ring of the Nib'ling:                       
Five hours of high-volume quibbling                         
By Fricka and Wotan                                         
Whose daughters emote on                                    
While Siegmund makes time with his sibling.                 
                                                            
43709 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Steve Brown         P8802



Why did Brunhilda cry "Ho-jo-to-ho!"?                       
Do you have to ask. Didn't you know?                        
'Twas not in delight,                                       
Rather more pain and fright;                                
Her horse, Crane had trod on her toe.                       
                                                            
43710 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Robin K. Willoughby P8602



Here at last is the End: Gotterdammerung;                   
Let us marvel at Brunnhilda's leather lung:                 
Though our eardrums are numb                                
And Valhalla is crumb-                                      
ling, she won't quit till the last bar Goddamn is sung.     
                                                            
43711 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Steve Brown         P8802



Though its length made it strangely improper, a             
Composer's one work was a whopper! A                        
Feast set before us                                         
Through ten acts with chorus,                               
This singular opus an opera.                                
                                                            
43712 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Laurence Perrine    P8602



Wotan hated incest.                                         
But Brunnhilde thought it was best,                         
For Sieglinde to go                                         
Have her child, even though                                 
It put the wrath of her father to test.                     
                                                            
43713 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Tom Hamilton             



"Announcers like German in part --                          
'Die Valkuere', for instance," said Bart.                   
"They're complacently bold                                  
When they say Das Rheingold,                                
But for Siegfried, they translate Rhinefahrt."              
                                                            
43714 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         A. N. Wilkins       P8602



The hero is a tenor who's helden                            
(In the language that Wagner is yelled in);                 
His speech is Teutonic,                                     
His behavior moronic,                                       
And his favorite pastime's sword-weldin'.                   
                                                            
43715 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Steve Brown         P8802



Siegfried, when he finally returned,                        
Caused Brunhilde a lot of concern.                          
He was clearly a hero                                       
To whom love was a zero,                                    
And she knew that she'd likely be burned.                   
                                                            
43716 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         A. N. Wilkins       P8602



After Tannhauser's little affair                            
With the Venusberg vamp in her lair,                        
He relinquishes swinging --                                 
And competitive singing --                                  
For a pilgrim's attire made of hair.                        
                                                            
43717 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         C. Webster Wheelock P8602



The first time I saw Wagner's Ring,                         
How I prayed that the fat lady'd sing.                      
This would mean it was over;                                
I could go home to Rover.                                   
The Ring is a terrible thing.                               
                                                            
43718 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Bill Wall                



Said Tristan to lovely Isolde,                              
"Why, darling, your lips are so cold!                       
Perhaps, ere we drank                                       
From that love potion tank-                                 
ard, we ought to've skimmed off the mold..."                
                                                            
43719 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Robin K. Willoughby P8602



Lets talk of Tristan and Isolde,                            
An opera for young and for old.                             
Some folks in Seattle                                       
Got caught in a battle;                                     
Now unions say give us the gold!                            
                                                            
43720 MUSIC - OPERA - WAGNER         Pat Finely               



A sharp old musician named Pratt,                           
Had a staff that was breve but fat.                         
Though he owned a chateau,                                  
He felt obbligato,                                          
To bugger his boy in A-flat.                                
                                                            
43721 MUSIC - ORGANS                                          



There was an old Welshman named Morgan,                     
Who had a magnificent organ.                                
Said his wife, "You are blessed                             
With one of the best                                        
Hammond organs in all of Glamorgan."                        
                                                            
43722 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Ron Rubin                



The Dutch organist Pieter de Witt                           
Was employed by the Bishop of Split.                        
Piet's chaconnes were just fine,                            
And his preludes divine,                                    
But his fugues dribbled on like warm spit.                  
(chaconnes - an old Spanish dance in 3/4 time)              
43723 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Our organist (some thought unscrewed)                       
Liked to play by himself in the nude.                       
He would finger his part                                    
With a consumate art                                        
To its cimax in beatitude.                                  
                                                            
43724 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Laurence Perrine    P8302



An accordian player named Lunt                              
Liked to play with his hands back to front.                 
This cause some dismay                                      
Amongst the au fait,                                        
But the crowd shouted: "Wow -- what a stunt!"               
                                                            
43725 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Ron Rubin                



A musical fellow was Shrife                                 
Who played on the organ and fife.                           
At age forty-nine                                           
On his fife he played fine,                                 
But his organ lacked luster and life.                       
                                                            
43726 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2299



Cecilia, from Chandler's Ford,                              
Found music was what she adored,                            
She'd go with Taff Morgan                                   
And play with his organ,                                    
While trying to find the lost chord.                        
                                                            
43727 MUSIC - ORGANS                                          



There was a young fellow named Larch                        
Who learned to make love to a march.                        
But it has been observed                                    
That this style is reserved                                 
For the men who have plenty of starch.                      
                                                            
43728 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Albin Chaplin            



It isn't a noise that you hear,                             
But Music, harmonic and clear.                              
My breath makes me play                                     
Like an organ, all day;                                     
That bass note is in my left ear.                           
                                                            
43729 MUSIC - ORGANS                                     P0211



A young ballerina from Crete,                               
Offered stagehands all they could eat.                      
When one asked for a ride,                                  
She reluctantly sighed,                                     
"That would ruin my Nutcracker, Suite."                     
                                                            
43730 MUSIC - ORGANS                                          



A young man from South Chesapeake                           
Could only toy once in a week.                              
He discarded his chart                                      
And committed to heart                                      
The well-worn 'Minuet a l'Antique'.                         
                                                            
43731 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Albin Chaplin            



It was June, and Miss Toon, in a swoon,                     
Met her man by the light of the moon;                       
And all night, as they played,                              
Lovely music was made,                                      
For the chap kept his organ in Toon.                        
                                                            
43732 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a musician Calhoun                                
Who played on the flute and bassoon.                        
But most of his life                                        
He had strife with his wife,                                
Since his organ was way out of tune.                        
                                                            
43733 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1981



Princeton Music Department was men,                         
But Teresa wanted to get in.                                
He said, "You've no voice,                                  
So here is your choice:                                     
Skin flute, hanging sax, or organ!"                         
                                                            
43734 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Uncle Jack               



A well-hung musician was Kropps;                            
On a scale one to ten, he was tops.                         
When his tool came in view,                                 
Said his girl, "Let us screw;                               
What an organ -- please pull out the stops!"                
                                                            
43735 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2990



A sailor retired from the Gorgon,                           
Met a sweet church musician, Miss Morgan;                   
They were wed, then and there,                              
And folks heard her declare:                                
"Now I'll play with my favorite organ."                     
                                                            
43736 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



A young Irish girl from Stilorgan                           
Had a Welsh music master named Morgan.                      
She played with his flute,                                  
And he taught her the lute,                                 
But what she liked best was his organ!                      
                                                            
43737 MUSIC - ORGANS                 John Vinson              



There was a young girl called Felicity,                     
Who had quite a flair for publicity;                        
She'd play a Bach fugue                                     
On the synth or the Moog;                                   
"To Hell with," she said, "authenticity!"                   
                                                            
43738 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Ron Rubin                



Roses on the piano look smashing,                           
As on to the ivories I'm dashing.                           
In the key of F,                                            
I tickle the clef,                                          
Then its tulips on the organ I'm lashing.                   
                                                            
43739 MUSIC - ORGANS                                          



A nasty young girl played keyboard.                         
On tour, she got free room and board.                       
She learned pretty quick                                    
That turning a trick,                                       
Got her "up and down" the east seaboard.                    
                                                            
43740 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Tom Myers                



My Musical studies are done,                                
Our concerto for two should be fun.                         
How best can we capture                                     
That moment of rapture,                                     
When two organs will play just as one.                      
                                                            
43741 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Al Chaplin          P8609



Sally Nevin plays organ in church                           
With no rhythm at all -- just a lurch                       
At the start of each hymn;                                  
Her musicianship's dim.                                     
So the vestry's engaged in a search.                        
                                                            
43742 MUSIC - ORGANS                                          



That rock 'n' roll band named Van Halen,                    
Their record sales were failin'.                            
They said, "Fuck off, Sammy,                                
Go bugger your Grammy.                                      
We want the chicks David Lee's nailin'."                    
(who is Sammy and David Lee?)                               
43743 MUSIC - ORGANS                 Gene Brady               



In the organ loft, Jeffrey asked May,                       
The bellows to work, while he'd play.                       
While the large congregation                                
Sang the hymn with elation,                                 
But the music so soon died away.                            
                                                            
43744 MUSIC - ORGANS                                          



The priest up the stairs soon was clumping,                 
And heard a peculiar thumping.                              
He opened the door                                          
Of the loft and did roar:                                   
"Girl, that's the wrong organ you're pumping."              
                                                            
43745 MUSIC - ORGANS                                          



A bandleader out of Caracas                                 
Could never find agents or backers;                         
For although his big band                                   
Looked incredibly grand,                                    
They all played the same thing -- maracas.                  
                                                            
43746 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Ron Rubin                



I like the lead crooner.  She hums.                         
I like the guitarist.  He strums.                           
But, Oh! The percussion!                                    
That "1812" Russian!                                        
Must he settle old scores on MY drums.                      
                                                            
43747 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Laurence Perrine    P8302



The bells of St. Martin's the Young-                        
er are frequently lovingly rung,                            
But instead of the singing                                  
Of donging and dinging,                                     
They just make a sonorous "Dung!"                           
                                                            
43748 MUSIC - PERCUSSION                                      



An unhappy young kangaroo                                   
Said, when in his Australian zoo,                           
"I just sit here all day                                    
And they won't let me play                                  
On my bongos and didgeridoo."                               
                                                            
43749 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Funfax Limericks         



Aunt Betsy was very strange, I fear;                        
Uncle Bert always said she was queer.                       
She said, "I may seem gay,                                  
When I go out to play;                                      
I'm just a campanologist, dear."                            
                                                            
43750 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Tony Burrell             



Carillon bells tolled on unabated;                          
An ear sore since they were uncrated.                       
E.A. Poe maintained though,                                 
"They're not my bells, I know.                              
My bells merely tintinabulated."                            
                                                            
43751 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



There once was a rock group, "Strange Eons",                
Whose hair styles were done up in neons.                    
Cthulhu, the drummer                                        
Was a hell of a comer,                                      
But the rest were all musical peons.                        
                                                            
43752 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Neal Wilgus         P8302



Let us join in a paean to youth,                            
Adolescing pubescence, forsooth;                            
When life's early juice                                     
Doth pleasure produce                                       
To be hymned both by cymbal and crwth.                      
                                                            
43753 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             R. J. Winkler       P8502



A percussionist who was named Gimble,                       
Was teaching his son to play cymbals.                       
The cymbals he'd clap;                                      
His dad's balls he did trap;                                
Mr. Gimble was not very nimble.                             
                                                            
43754 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Puff Adder               



An exceptional lad of Quesnel,                              
My old granny would frequently tell,                        
So perfected the swing                                      
Of his pendulous thing,                                     
He could ding with his dong, like a bell.                   
                                                            
43755 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Keith MacMillan      101b



A bloke who had thoughts in his head                        
To be a bandsman before dead.                               
But things they went wrong                                  
As he could not sing a song,                                
So he became a drummer instead.                             
                                                            
43756 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Funny Bone               



A virile young man was the drummer,                         
But her contact with him was a bummer.                      
His rhythm was perfection,                                  
But his herpes infection,                                   
Kept her out of commission all summer.                      
                                                            
43757 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



There once was a young spaced-out drummer,                  
Who, everyone said was no bummer.                           
He needs but one stick,                                     
And that is his prick,                                      
And his pounding's what makes him a comer.                  
                                                            
43758 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Isaac Asimov             



The case of the injured Black Russian,                      
Involved a quite minor concusssion.                         
While turning the page,                                     
He fell off of the stage.                                   
The drum that he played was percussion.                     
                                                            
43759 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Al Willis                



A Frenchman, a Jew, and a Russian,                          
Formed a band that was purely percussion,                   
With a fellow named Fong,                                   
Who played gong with his dong,                              
Which prompted some lively discussion.                      
                                                            
43760 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Cap'n Bean          P0209



There was a young man named O'Neill,                        
Used to play on the old Campanile.                          
He made the gong bong,                                      
With the end of his dong.                                   
Now he's trying to get it to heal.                          
                                                            
43761 MUSIC - PERCUSSION                                 L1504



So he rigged up a clever device,                            
And tried the thing out once or twice.                      
But it wasn't the gong,                                     
But rather his prong                                        
That peeled, and it didn't feel nice!                       
(peeled, pealed)                                            
43762 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Jim Weaver Collection    



I like to play with my glocken-spiel.                       
It always give me a focken-thriel.                          
I bang it and bong it                                       
And sometimes ting-tong it;                                 
I like the way my glockens-feel!                            
                                                            
43763 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Gearhart           TP9807



There was an old man of Hong Kong                           
Who would beat on a large brazen gong,                      
As a sign to his neighbors                                  
Of success in his labors.                                   
Yet another girl stripped of sarong.                        
                                                            
43764 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Isaac Asimov             



A guitarist who tried every pedal,                          
Played a tune stirring bolts in a kettle.                   
You can imagine the noise!                                  
But he turned and said "Boys,                               
Ain't that sweet! I just love heavy metal."                 
                                                            
43765 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Jim Weaver Collection    



If your enemy never succumbs,                               
And he's constantly beating his gums,                       
If you would survive,                                       
Then you must connive.                                      
Give his children a nice set of drums.                      
                                                            
43766 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Al Willis                



A trait about old Mister Cone                               
And the one for which, widely, he's known,                  
Is that tapping his head                                    
With a mallet of lead,                                      
Will produce a melodious tone.                              
                                                            
43767 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Cap'n Bean               



I wanted to learn the maraccas,                             
But my neighbors all tried to attack us.                    
They booted my ass;                                         
Rolled me 'round on the grass,                              
And squeezed really hard on my knackers.                    
                                                            
43768 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Aussie Owl               



Some people presume to demand                               
Transistors in cars or in hand.                             
To spray noise pollution                                    
Without diminution                                          
On passersby without remand.                                
                                                            
43769 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Cliff Rather        P9009



One musical chap of Champlain                               
Painted keys on his lovely Helene.                          
Improvising in C,                                           
When he fingers low G,                                      
She da capo's, again and again.                             
                                                            
43770 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Keith MacMillan       46a



A simple hillbilly named Moon                               
Had trouble achieving a tune.                               
Though he waved it around                                   
He could not make a sound,                                  
While practicing playing the spoon.                         
                                                            
43771 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Cyber Geezer             



A versatile lady from Epping                                
Does sessions, and all kinds of depping;                    
Her flute and her zither                                    
She always takes with her,                                  
But drum kits she doesn't like schlepping                   
(depping - deputizing?, schlepping - dragging along)        
43772 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Ron Rubin                



A timpanist standing at his drums,                          
Was resting and twiddling his thumbs.                       
When he should have been drumming,                          
Pop tunes he was humming.                                   
He received the rush listed for bums!                       
                                                            
43773 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Arthur Pattaffy          



A pretty young thing played the drum,                       
And I wanted to get me some.                                
I laid out my snare,                                        
One stick -- not a pair.                                    
Then I joined the rhythm section.                           
                                                            
43774 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Tom Myers                



I hope that Petunia swoons                                  
On hearing my limerick tunes;                               
I've practiced the rhyming                                  
And rhythmical timing                                       
While crooning and playing the spoons.                      
                                                            
43775 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Peter Wilkins            



We're impressed by the sound of your tune                   
And admire your Old Blue Eyes-like croon.                   
But ere you serenade                                        
In her balcony's shade,                                     
Best make sure that the lady is hoome.                      
                                                            
43776 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Ulla                     



When I serenade Mrs Koon,                                   
I first got to Rayford's Saloon,                            
To see if her spouse                                        
Is drunk on the souse,                                      
That keeps him from coming home soon!                       
                                                            
43777 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Travis Brasell           



I crooned 'neath the window of Gail,                        
As would any love-hungry male.                              
"Don't pester my daughter!"                                 
Cried mother, threw water                                   
And failed to keep hold of the pail.                        
                                                            
43778 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Tiddy Ogg                



By paying Gail's mum with a ducat,                          
You'd surely escape her darn bucket,                        
But if you've no coins,                                     
Then gird up your loins,                                    
And run fast away from Nantucket.                           
                                                            
43779 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Travis Brasell           



The spoons are to me as the bongo                           
Was once to the tribesmen of Congo.                         
My Grandpop played well, he                                 
Would sing Mother Kelly                                     
And play them; now how does that song go?                   
                                                            
43780 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Graham Lester            



Dunno, but I know Mother Kelly                              
Once sang with such gusto and welly,                        
She caused the collapse                                     
Of a roof on those chaps                                    
Who were furiously playing the celli.                       
                                                            
43781 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Peter Wilkins            



Well yes, I did hear about that;                            
Her flat disappeared with a splat.                          
One moment she sings,                                       
And her flat is all strings,                                
Then a crash and her strings are all flat.                  
                                                            
43782 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Graham Lester            



My brother and I were among 'em.                            
They'd drunk all the Guinness we'd brung 'em.               
But after the stout,                                        
They chucked us all out!                                    
So the roof fit the bill.  I say, "Dung 'em!"               
                                                            
43783 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Liam na Beag             



A talented chap from Bordeaux                               
Played spoons in the clubs (semi-pro).                      
One night Uri Geller                                        
Turned up in his cellar,                                    
And fucked up the whole bloody show.                        
                                                            
43784 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Ron Rubin                



If you want to hear jazz that's real funky,                 
At this club uptown they've got a monkey;                   
It is said that he plays                                    
"Take Five" ten differrent ways,                            
But most strange is, he just plays in one key.              
                                                            
43785 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Robin K. Willoughby P8408



In a tizzy, those triplets to quell,                        
I shot him a bitonal "Well?"                                
But to drum in the down beat,                               
This Gio brought in both feet,                              
As he whispered a wry "Time...Will Tell."                   
                                                            
43786 MUSIC - PERCUSSION                                      



To pull off a musical coup,                                 
A student of art from Purdue,                               
Played "The Star Spangled Banner"                           
Upon the pianner,                                           
And "Trees" on an alto Kazoo.                               
                                                            
43787 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Norm Storer              



A triangle player called Bart                               
Says: "Please don't belittle my art;                        
It took a good week                                         
To reach this great peak,                                   
And I play very much from the heart!"                       
                                                            
43788 MUSIC - PERCUSSION             Ron Rubin                



There was a young lady named Manno                          
Who studied to be a soprano,                                
But whenever she sang,                                      
She did it in slang,                                        
And affronted her Steinway piano.                           
                                                            
43789 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                         P8302



A musical miss from Idana                    (OR)           
Played on the upright piana.                                
Just during the day --                                      
At night she would play                                     
On her fellow's upright banana.                             
                                                            
43790 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Larry Davis         P8805



I used to play music quite well                             
On the grandest of pianos; I tell                           
You, I damaged my wrist                                     
'Cause I couldn't resist                                    
Beating time with my dick to Ravel.                         
                                                            
43791 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Peter Wilkins            



Toward the crescendo I'd climb,                             
While fortissimo beating the time;                          
And I tell you, my friend,                                  
When it came to the end,                                    
The keyboard was covered in slime!                          
                                                            
43792 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Peter Wilkins            



A concert pianist named Lorne                               
A minor position did scorn.                                 
"Don't put me in the middle;                                
I'll not play second fiddle.                                
If I play, I will blow my own horn."                        
                                                            
43793 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Albin Chaplin   3024-2674



An egotist pianist named Hans,                              
Is secretely working on plans                               
To develop his clone                                        
And then, all alone,                                        
He'll play repertoire for four hands.                       
                                                            
43794 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Evelyn Bogen        P9705



A one-armed composer named Tate                             
Wrote piano duets that were great!                          
He played black on the right,                               
While his partner played white,                             
But they never played all eighty-eight.                     
                                                            
43795 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Don Mulford              



My piano has now reached the stage,                         
Where to play it, sends me in a rage.                       
It's so out of tune                                         
That poor Mozart would swoon,                               
But it's perfect for playing John Cage.                     
                                                            
43796 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Lanethally                         
Who played the piano on the telly.                          
His tinkling scales                                         
Delighted all Wales,                                        
But the folk of Lanethally ethpethially.                    
                                                            
43797 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



He tickles the ivories more than ample;                     
To most he's the perfect example;                           
With the best he can play;                                  
His rythym makes you sway;                                  
This man is no ordinary Joe Sample.                         
                                                            
43798 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



An old pianist in Peru                                      
Played music that wasn't so new;                            
Like Jimmy Durante,                                         
His lyrics were scanty,                                     
Just Inca dinka dee a dinka doo.                            
                                                            
43799 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Warrick Elrod            



There once was a lecherous pianist                          
Who fervently wished he could be a Liszt;                   
With women galore                                           
Impressed with his score,                                   
Seductively whispering, "Let me assist."                    
                                                            
43800 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Bill Backe-Hansen   P8511



A piano you'll find in a band                               
Is a lot like most women I've scanned:                      
You can finger their keys,                                  
Their dampers appease,                                      
And if they're not upright, they're grand.                  
                                                            
43801 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Hugh Clary               



Remember when at the piano,                                 
"Mens sana in corpore sano."                                
Don't play bawdy tunes,                                     
Or I'll cut off your prunes,                                
And you'll finish up as a soprano.                          
                                                            
43802 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Fred                     



There once was a lecherous pianist,                         
Of all, the most he-in' and she-inest.                      
To heighten his joy,                                        
He would only employ                                        
Those girls he was told were agreein-est.                   
                                                            
43803 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Isaac Asimov             



A singer they called Miss Diana,                            
Was caught in a flood in Montana.                           
She floated away,                                           
While her beau, so they say,                                
Accompanied her on the piana.                               
                                                            
43804 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Michael Kilgarriff  P9309



Some charming selections from Strauss,                      
A pianist played at our house,                              
Though we shouted "Encore!"                                 
And clamored for more,                                      
The neighbors did nothing but grouse.                       
                                                            
43805 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



Some people play piano by ear                               
For just a few quid and some beer.                          
But dear cousin Rose                                        
Plays entirely by nose,                                     
And makes twenty thousand a year.                           
                                                            
43806 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Ron Rubin                



A pianist named Clyde once cried,                           
"This piano stays locked, though I've tried...              
His wife said, "You goose,                                  
It's really no use,                                         
Don't you know that the keys are inside!"                   
                                                            
43807 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                         P8302



Sing us a song, Pi-an-o Man                                 
Sing if you think that you can                              
We're all in the mood                                       
To get with your groove                                     
And you've got us feeling quite grand                       
                                                            
43808 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



The blondes come, stand by me and tease,                    
I'd sure like to give them a squeeze.                       
But the management say                                      
With them I can't play,                                     
And I must keep my hands on the keys.                       
                                                            
43809 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



At 9 o'clock Saturday night                                 
The regular crowd shuffles right                            
In through the door                                         
To listen some more                                         
To me, while they drink all the night.                      
                                                            
43810 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



Can you play a song I once knew;                            
I don't quite remember the tune.                            
It was sad and sweet                                        
And I knew it complete,                                     
Years back when I was young like you"                       
                                                            
43811 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



She rocked and she rolled, did Joanna,                      
On top of the honky-tonk 'pianner';                         
With legs widely splayed                                    
O'er the keyboard she played                                
Boogie-woogie in classical manner.                          
                                                            
43812 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



With piccolo stuffed in her snatch,                         
She played Copland, Schubert and Khatch-                    
aturian's tunes,                                            
While the glorious moons                                    
Of her ass beat out rhythms to match.                       
                                                            
43813 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



Ashkenazy continues to please,                              
Making magic with pedals and keys.                          
He will often amaze                                         
With the turn of a phrase --                                
No wonder he charges high fees.                             
                                                            
43814 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



At playing in shoes, Virgil Fox                             
Politely but stubbornly balks.                              
Not to fuge or chaconne                                     
Will he put them back on,                                   
Though the pedals wear holes in his socks.                  
                                                            
43815 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Kilburn K. Holt     P8806



A pianoforte player named Mose                              
Was blessed with extremely long toes;                       
Such was their length                                       
He could stretch a full tenth,                              
But only on ballads and slows.                              
                                                            
43816 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Ron Rubin                



The groupie thought it was grand                            
To screw all the guys in the band;                          
Except for Romano                                           
Who played the piano,                                       
And did all his playing by hand.                            
                                                            
43817 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Old Bernie plays piano with ease;                           
He plays with great style on the keys.                      
He's really quite deft,                                     
Crosses hands, right and left,                              
And beats a tattoo with his knees.                          
                                                            
43818 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Jean Fox                 



His music is really a treat;                                
Rhythm tapped out by his feet.                              
While he plays a hot tune,                                  
He will hum, sing or croon;                                 
Then his audience beats a retreat.                          
                                                            
43819 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Jean Fox                 



You did strike a chord.  Shall we sing?                     
I'll not fret over each little thing.                       
But I must insist                                           
That your pianist                                           
Has got to stop plucking my G-string.                       
                                                            
43820 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



My G-string holds many an air. (?!!)                        
But he will not get a hand in there.                        
'Tween the box and the frill,                               
The clearance is nil;                                       
Though I do take it off for repair.                         
                                                            
43821 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



You've misunderstood greatly, old tar.                      
I'm not the town bike, not by far!                          
You've reached a crescendo                                  
Of rude innuendo!                                           
I'm talking about my guitar.                                
                                                            
43822 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



The noted pianist Jeanine                                   
Has a regular practice routine,                             
Playing music by Handel                                     
With just the odd scandal                                   
Performed in the handy ravine.                              
                                                            
43823 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     VOL 5                    



A musical treat from St. Archie                             
Made everyone think Liberace.                               
So they passed the plate                                    
All round his home state,                                   
And sent him away to Karachi.                               
                                                            
43824 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Archie                   



There once was a piano named Steinway                       
Which treated all players too kindly.                       
You could sit on the keys                                   
Or just bang with your knees                                
But the tone always came out divinely.                      
(author conducted Baltimore Symphony 1942 - 1952)           
43825 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Reginald Stewart    P0010



A student pianist named Jock                                
Would practice for hours by the clock.                      
He tickled those keys                                       
Till they whispered, "Oh, Please!                           
It's so GOOD when you tickle my Bach!"                      
                                                            
43826 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     John E Mayhood           



While swimming around in the Med,                           
A small haddock heard music ahead.                          
And said, "Mom, is that Bach?"                              
"Well it could be, but hark;                                
'Tis that tuna of pianos", she said.                        
                                                            
43827 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Peter Wilkins            



If her overture's carefully planned,                        
His reaction will just beat the band.                       
For women, each man knows,                                  
Are much like pianos,                                       
When they're not upright, they're grand.                    
                                                            
43828 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Bob Giandomenico    P9409



My hands are too small (what a bum-                         
mer) for more than an octave; with thumb                    
On the C, to reach E                                        
I'd use willy with glee,                                    
But it used to get terribly numb.                           
                                                            
43829 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Peter Wilkins            



The Moonlight Sonata I played                               
For my very last musical grade;                             
And I passed it with merit                                  
By using my ferret,                                         
Which finished up ragged and frayed.                        
                                                            
43830 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Peter Wilkins            



Though I say it myself, I admits                            
I was good at those twiddly bits,                           
Which I practised all day                                   
With my ladyfriend Kay.                                     
While she fiddled, I twiddled her tits.                     
                                                            
43831 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Peter Wilkins            



Victor Borge once made tutors wince,                        
But he thrilled every audience since,                       
With his musical wit                                        
Till the last note was hit.                                 
Now farewell to piano's clown prince.                       
                                                            
43832 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Prof M-G                 



I fucked that young nympho called Anna,                     
On the lid of the old grand piano.                          
But the lid, it gave way,                                   
And a tune we did play,                                     
In a most peculiar manner.                                  
                                                            
43833 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO                              



A pianist called Myer von Grummit                           
Gave recitals at a world leaders summit.                    
A man shouted "Myer,                                        
Know your piano's on fire?"                                 
He said "No, but I'll try if you hum it!"                   
                                                            
43834 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     H Myer              T9801



A pianoforte player named Rigg                              
Says, "The Yamaha's just what I dig;                        
It's such a delight                                         
To play it all night,                                       
Then ride it back home from the gig!"                       
                                                            
43835 MUSIC - PERCUSSION - PIANO     Ron Rubin                



Let your head-bone relax, and just rest;                    
We are bards here; with madness we're blessed.              
Many songs we can bleat,                                    
About folks indiscreet,                                     
And preposterous ways they've transgressed!                 
                                                            
43836 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



A brash cantor of old Notre Dame                            
Was obsessed with the notIon of fame.                       
"My Viderunt," he cried,                                    
"Is no hit. Though I tried                                  
To be simple, the sucker's arcane."                         
                                                            
43837 MUSIC - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



"Who's the guy with the badge, gun, and valise?"            
Asked weekenders at Camp Cares Surcease.                    
"He reminds me of Bing;                                     
Think he'd join in our sing?"                               
"Shush," one warned, "He's the ASCAP Police."               
                                                            
43838 MUSIC - SINGERS                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9610



There are really few singers a match                        
For a baritone cocksman named Hatch,                        
Who can belt out a song                                     
As he pumps with his dong,                                  
After earlier humming a snatch.                             
                                                            
43839 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



I'm known as a great baritone;                              
I grumble and croon on my own.                              
When my men need to reach me                                
Imprisoned in Act III:                                      
It's simple; I have a cell phone.                           
                                                            
43840 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



An odd nephew of Hildy von Bingen                           
Was convicted on Easter of singin'                          
Bawdy songs during Mass                                     
And of baring his ass                                       
While the bells in the Sanctus were ringin'.                
                                                            
43841 MUSIC - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A blues singer, straight from Trieste,                      
Was billed as completely undressed.                         
But the light was so bad                                    
And my eyes were so sad,                                    
That everything had to be guessed.                          
                                                            
43842 MUSIC - SINGERS                                    P8302



A pair of black loafers, abhorred,                          
Are two rappers in total discord--                          
An inprovement might be                                     
Spell their rap with a "C"--                                
Their names happen to be Boom and Roared.                   
                                                            
43843 MUSIC - SINGERS                Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A sausage-lipped songster of Steyning                       
Was solemnly bent on attaining.                             
But he broke all the rules                                  
About managing tools,                                       
And so he broke down in the training.                       
                                                            
43844 MUSIC - SINGERS                                    G2521



"The show must go on. Sing, Marie,"                         
I whispered. She turned round on me.                        
"You pervert," she calls,                                   
Grabbed me by the balls...                                  
It was then that I reached that high C!                     
                                                            
43845 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



Carols are so sad and old hat;                              
While singing them, I feel like a prat.                     
When friends sing out of tune,                              
Dogs howl at the moon,                                      
And it sounds like you're strangling the cat.               
                                                            
43846 MUSIC - SINGERS                Funny Bone               



A Molokan whose shorts were of silk                         
Sang dank chants, and sad songs of that ilk                 
During Lent.  But he'd still                                
Grab a nip of the swill                                     
His Ma brewed from cold borscht and fresh milk.             
(Molokan - sect of Russian Orthodox)                        
43847 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



An ensemble, Monogamous Three                               
Liked to whistle conductus offkey.                          
Then they'd grab their kazoos                               
And transform into blues                                    
Short motets by L'Ecole de Paris.                           
(conductus - medievel vocal, up to four part harmony)       
43848 MUSIC - SINGERS                Sue Roessel              



A noted young writer of fiction                             
Couldn't talk, due to trouble with diction.                 
But his voice was sublime                                   
When he sang it in rhyme,                                   
And he made all his points with conviction.                 
                                                            
43849 MUSIC - SINGERS                Don Mulford              



There once was a popular crooner                            
Who was anything else but a tuner;                          
But he crooned once too often,                              
Now he's snug in his coffin,                                
And I wish he had landed there sooner.                      
                                                            
43850 MUSIC - SINGERS                M. B. Thornton           



Whether Dufay liked waffles or not                          
Is unknown. Since they taste better hot,                    
He'd throw dough on the fire                                
For the boys in the choir --                                
As for him, he ate cake. What a snot.                       
                                                            
43851 MUSIC - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Every Christmas, near Antwerp's old wharves,                
There's a party for elderly dwarves.                        
They eat pate' of bat,                                      
Sing Josquin (a bit flat),                                  
And watch videos of "Snow White", of course.                
                                                            
43852 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



A tone-deaf old person of Tring,                            
When somebody asked him to sing,                            
Replied: "It is odd,                                        
But I cannot tell 'God                                      
Save the Weasel' from 'Pop Goes the King.'                  
                                                            
43853 MUSIC - SINGERS                Anon                     



St. Columbe had a daughter named Floy                       
Whose duets with Papa were a joy.                           
At twelve, Floy grew a beard;                               
Daddy thought this was weird.                               
"Don't fret, Pops. Relax. I'm a boy!"                       
                                                            
43854 MUSIC - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was an acid rock singer                          
Who was known as a pinko left-winger.                       
He sang at a church                                         
Near the home of John Birch.                                
Now they call him John Lennon's dead ringer.                
                                                            
43855 MUSIC - SINGERS                Neal Wilgus         P8302



In Northwest Catalonia, the King                            
Took delight in the sound of a string                       
Plucked by Jordi Cornut,                                    
On a beat-up old lute.                                      
But he'd vamoose when Jordi would sing.                     
                                                            
43856 MUSIC - SINGERS                Joel Cohen               



An old rival of Josquin Des Pres                            
Was heard muttering (in Flemish) one day:                   
"Though he's cute in that hat,                              
God Damn! He sings flat,                                    
And he can't write as well as DuFay."                       
                                                            
43857 MUSIC - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



When Josquin was first singing in Rome,                     
He would write frequent letters back home.                  
"Cere Maman," he would say,                                 
"Let Ritals sont OK,                                        
Mais lis traitent tous les Belges comme des cons."          
                                                            
43858 MUSIC - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



After drilling his choir in Brussels,                       
Josquin loved gobbling hot mussels.                         
Once done, quick as a pin,                                  
He'd depart from the inn                                    
Without paying.  'Twas one of his hustles.                  
                                                            
43859 MUSIC - SINGERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



In Firenze, Matteo Canova                                   
Liked "ballate" (this was the Ars Nova)                     
That went on too long.                                      
Each time he'd start a song,                                
He'd go on till the party was over.                         
                                                            
43860 MUSIC - SINGERS                Joel Cohen               



A wandering minstrel named Gay,                             
Got a girl in the family way.                               
Her brother and dad,                                        
Rode after the cad.                                         
And that was the minstrel's last lay.                       
                                                            
43861 MUSIC - SINGERS                John Ciardi              



There once was a Russian named Boris                        
Who sang in the Moscow Men's Chorus.                        
With capitalistic desire                                    
And in formal attire,                                       
He rode in a bright red Ford Taurus.                        
                                                            
43862 MUSIC - SINGERS                Bob Birch           P9812



There once was an opera singer                              
Whose flabby vibrato did linger                             
Long after the song                                         
Had gone off all wrong.                                     
No wonder we gave him the finger.                           
                                                            
43863 MUSIC - SINGERS                Marc Davidson            



The church in the small town of Bryer                       
Is known for its beautiful choir.                           
The basses sing low,                                        
And I'm sure that you know,                                 
The sopranos sing quite a bit higher.                       
                                                            
43864 MUSIC - SINGERS                Bob Birch           P0206



The drive down the highway turned queer;                    
My kids sang so loud and so clear;                          
The song was inane;                                         
It drove me insane--                                        
Those ninety-nine bottles of beer!                          
                                                            
43865 MUSIC - SINGERS                Mark Levy           P9506



She hailed from the far island reaches;                     
Studied English and voice on the beaches.                   
Asked why her goals                                         
Were to sing trouser rolls,                                 
"In my village, only films of Lloyd Breeches."              
(must be Lloyd Bridges - McW)                               
43866 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



A belching pianist, Alberto,                                
Entertained all his friends in Bizerto.                     
The burps couldn't be stayed,                               
But the tune that they played                               
Was "Tchaikivsky's Piano Concerto."                         
                                                            
43867 MUSIC - SINGERS                Ed Wolfert          P8209



An Andalou minstrel named Val                               
Couldn't sing, speak, or write Provencal.                   
So instead, he would please                                 
Noble patrons by squeez-                                    
ing their heinies, while whispering, "Que' tal?"            
                                                            
43868 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



There was a dumb radio crooner                              
Whose singing was somewhat a bloomer.                       
He sang by the hour,                                        
Very flat and so sour,                                      
So they shot him at once, if not sooner.                    
                                                            
43869 MUSIC - SINGERS                Treasure Chest Dit  P0001



Ricardo, a globe-trotting Roman,                            
Is quite an incredible showman;                             
He'll sing 'Carolina                                        
In the Morning' in China,                                   
And then he'll play Rome in the gloamin'.                   
                                                            
43870 MUSIC - SINGERS                Ron Rubin                



There was an old crooner named Christie,                    
And when he got terribly pissed, he                         
Would sing the same song                                    
The whole damn night long,                                  
(Which may or may not have been 'Misty').                   
                                                            
43871 MUSIC - SINGERS                Ron Rubin                



As a musical dream, "Scherazade",                           
Conjures up a beautiful bod.                                
But though she is luscious,                                 
While the orchestra gushes,                                 
You'll wake up to find it's a fraud.                        
                                                            
43872 MUSIC - SINGERS                Neal Wilgus         P8302



There was an old person of Tring,                           
Who would leap like a goat in the Spring.                   
In the Summer, he danced,                                   
In the Autumn, he pranced,                                  
And when Winter approached, he would sing.                  
                                                            
43873 MUSIC - SINGERS                Mark Wainwright          



Said the leader to vocalist Pat,                            
"We're way into overtime -- drat!                           
How fast do you suppose                                     
You can sing 'Vie En Rose'?"                                
Then she sang it in one minute -- flat.                     
                                                            
43874 MUSIC - SINGERS                Ron Rubin                



How the days of our youth hurry by                          
With the sub-titles (glasses raised high)                   
"Those were the days, my friend,                            
We hoped they'd never end..."                               
Let us sing till the bottle runs dry.                       
                                                            
43875 MUSIC - SINGERS                Irving Superior     P9607



From audition, a tenor named Hays                           
Departed for home in a daze.                                
He had sung and had cursed                                  
Till his lungs fairly burst;                                
He was beat from the snatches and lays.                     
                                                            
43876 MUSIC - SINGERS                Albin Chaplin            



The Arts Council of South Tennessee                         
Gave a grant to a man named McPhee                          
Who, while weilding a hose,                                 
Sang Machaut through his nose,                              
As he watered his public with tea.                          
                                                            
43877 MUSIC - SINGERS                                         



On the stage all gold and TAWNY.                            
Stood tenori and soprani,                                   
Waiting for their cues                                      
And wondering "Who's                                        
Wearing such strong frangipani?"                            
                                                            
43878 MUSIC - SINGERS                Daniel Ford              



An opera singer named Black,                                
Would fuck anything with a crack:                           
Sidewalks and board fences,                                 
Young goats and cheese blintzes,                            
And the cheekiest man in his claque.                        
(How about the crack of dawn? - McW)                        
43879 MUSIC - SINGERS                                    L1642



There once was an old TROUBADOUR,                           
Who still sang, though at age ninety four,                  
He'd serenade lover,                                        
Till a garbage can cover                                    
Made sure that he'd sing never more.                        
                                                            
43880 MUSIC - SINGERS                Chris Papa               



There was an old jew from the ghetto,                       
Who fearlessly wrote a libretto,                            
Calling Hitler a slitch,                                    
A bastard, a bitch.                                         
But he sang it in whispered falsetto.                       
                                                            
43881 MUSIC - SINGERS                                    P8302



A famous musician named Barrie                              
Kept birds in his home sanctuary.                           
He caught some bugs on the wing,                            
And taught them to sing                                     
Duets with his favorite canary.                             
                                                            
43882 MUSIC - SINGERS                Mike O'Conner            



A pirate who had a tin ear,                                 
Was arrested on Buccaneer Pier.                             
His crime, you should know,                                 
Was his singing: "Yo Ho!                                    
Ho, and a bottle of beer."                                  
                                                            
43883 MUSIC - SINGERS                Cybergeezer              



Impresario cruising on course                               
Received cable: HE CANCELLED! NO BORIS!                     
As he raced up the Volga,                                   
He wired his Olga,                                          
"FISH FOR DEEP BASS IN THE CHORUS."                         
                                                            
43884 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS                                  



As the strings played a soft obbligato,                     
The soprano's trilled notes were staccato,                  
As she crouched on the face                                 
Of the powerful bass,                                       
And enjoyed his tremendous vibrato.                         
                                                            
43885 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Jim Weaver Collection    



The eminent basso, Chaliapin,                               
Loved the sound of an audience clappin'.                    
But that tuneful go-getter                                  
Loved one thing even better:                                
Spending few hours in bed simply nappin'.                   
                                                            
43886 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Isaac Asimov             



As the strings played a soft obbligato,                     
The soprano's trilled notes were staccato,                  
As she crouched on the face,                                
Of the powerful bass,                                       
And enjoyed his tremendous vibrato.                         
                                                            
43887 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS                                  



At an opera performance, the bass,                          
Much to his despair and disgrace,                           
Farted with violence                                        
In a moment of siolence,                                    
And a rosy blush flushed every face.                        
                                                            
43888 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS                             G1353



A Russian basso from Minsk                                  
Raped a coloratura from Pinsk.                              
She lay on the floor                                        
Crying, "Dollink, more, more!"                              
"Sorry, sweetheart, it's limsk!"                            
                                                            
43889 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         David Haller       TP9804



There was an Old Man of Vienna,                             
Who lived upon tincture of Senna;                           
When that did not agree,                                    
He took Camomile Tea,                                       
And his voice changed from basso to tenna.                  
                                                            
43890 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Edwardian Leer 093       



A young Cuban bass at the Met,                              
Proclaimed in the Opera Gazette,                            
I'm the Basso Profundo,                                     
Numero Uno del Mundo.                                       
No telling how low I can get.                               
                                                            
43891 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Pat Finely               



He'd fled Cuba because of F. Castro,                        
To sing Osmin, Fasolt and Sarastro.                         
He sang low to be sure,                                     
But the critics concur:                                     
He'd never be heard in the last row!                        
                                                            
43892 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Pat Finely               



Dear Ludwig, this far from the clef,                        
I'm as dumb as they say you are deaf.                       
Did you really believe                                      
A bass could achieve                                        
A repeated top F, fff?                                      
                                                            
43893 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Jim Weaver Collection    



The choir of St. Agnes-on-Tweed                             
Was missing a baritone lead,                                
But by holding her nose,                                    
Whilst she sang through a hose,                             
A soprano met the choir's need!                             
                                                            
43894 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Bill Doern               



The bass in the choir sang the song,                        
But the pitch of the notes, he sang wrong.                  
When the leader asked why                                   
All the notes were so high,                                 
The bass blamed it all on his thong.                        
                                                            
43895 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Travis Brasell           



A singer, a basso profundo,                                 
Felt low 'cause he'd got rotund-o,                          
He got lower and lower --                                   
And the orchestra slower --                                 
As he longed for some diminuendo.                           
                                                            
43896 MUSIC - SINGERS - BASS         Tiddy Ogg                



Donna Anna, a countess from Venice                          
Has a castrato lover named Dennis.                          
Denny sings like a pig                                      
And he wears a pink wig,                                    
But he fucks well.  He also plays tennis.                   
                                                            
43897 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI                              



The Castratis' big trips were one-way;                      
There was no going back the next day.                       
The rewards were quite good,                                
But the big question stood:                                 
Did those fellows get severance pay?                        
                                                            
43898 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Bluebird                 



A Sephardic castrato named Pino                             
Was excessively fond of cheap vino.                         
Drunk, he flauted his wang                                  
As he boisterously sang                                     
Pious airs in his native Ladino.                            
(I thought Ladino was a clover - McW)                       
43899 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI                              



A castrato from Trento named Will                           
Had to pee with the help of a quill.                        
As he stuck the thing in                                    
He would say with a grin,                                   
"What a bore!  But have you heard my trill?"                
                                                            
43900 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI                              



The boy soprano was blessed;                                
His high notes were ever the best.                          
Said his teachers, "Young man                               
We're devising a plan,                                      
To keep you a cut above all the rest!"                      
                                                            
43901 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Cassandra K              



A castrato from Hamburg named Fronk                         
Liked to start off each day with a bonk.                    
Next, he'd chirp a high B,                                  
They he'd finish his tea.                                   
As he left the room, he'd say "Viel Danck."                 
                                                            
43902 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a droll fellow named Cryer,                       
Who set his best trousers on fire.                          
When the flames reached his crotch,                         
Which he didn't like much,                                  
His voice grew higher and higher.                           
                                                            
43903 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Bill Wall                



There was a nude rocker named Danno,                        
Ill-starred as he banged his piano:                         
The lid crushed his nuts,                                   
No ifs, ands, or buts,                                      
No longer deep base but soprano.                            
                                                            
43904 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Armand Singer       P0301



Young Kate at the opera party,                              
(Rejecting the masculine hearty                             
And lustful embraces                                        
Of tenors and basses)                                       
Had fun with a group of castrati.                           
                                                            
43905 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Peter Wilkins            



Papal eunuchs -- the Sexy Sistines --                       
Get depressed when they sing at complines.                  
Soggy rhythms galore,                                       
And those tunes, what a score!                              
During sermons, they read magazines.                        
                                                            
43906 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Joel Cohen               



A castrato named Paolo from Parma                           
Sings Vivaldi while wearing his armour.                     
The result of this ploy                                     
Is to stiffen his toy.                                      
Then he wiggles his butt.  What a charmer!                  
                                                            
43907 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI                              



A mad nymphomaniac, Marti,                                  
Invited six men to a party,                                 
But alack and alas,                                         
For that sex-starved young lass,                            
All six of those hunks were castrati.                       
                                                            
43908 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI                              



A tenor who sang in Valetta                                 
Was attacked as he left the theatre.                        
Said the doc: "There's no doubt                             
Playing Rudolf is out,                                      
But you should make a smashing Musetta."                    
                                                            
43909 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Jim Weaver Collection    



The illustrious castrato, Poufelli,                         
Has to sing macho roles on the telly;                       
He stuffs his braguette                                     
With a toasted baguette,                                    
While he earnestly sucks in his belly.                      
(braguette - drink made of fermented honey)                 
43910 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Jim Weaver Collection    



A castrato from Venice named Dennis                         
Had a technique for winning at tennis.                      
At the start of each match                                  
He'd sing arias (natch)                                     
To the lute.  Then he'd serve with his penis.               
                                                            
43911 MUSIC - SINGERS - CASTRATI     Jim Weaver Collection    



A mezzo-soprano called Pat                                  
Said, "I can't sing soprano like that."                     
Until one day she sat on                                    
The end of my baton                                         
And climaxed in upper A flat.                               
                                                            
43912 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Peter Wilkins            



A candid soprano from Juneau                                
Admitted, "Here's something I do know:                      
I don't like Puccini,                                       
Rameau or Rossini,                                          
But let's hear a cheer for Charles Gounoud."                
                                                            
43913 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Armand E Singer       613



That grand impresario, Horace                               
Recruited a girl from the chorus;                           
He discovered that she                                      
Could hit E over C                                          
When he tickled her little clitoris.                        
                                                            
43914 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Ed Potts            P8602



When her fistula drained in her ano,                        
She would scream from the pain and the guano.               
Said old Bing, "Do not fret,                                
You can sing at the Met                                     
As a coloratura soprano."                                   
(Rudolf Bing - former top dog at the Metropolitan Opera)    
43915 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Albin Chaplin   3024-1699



A coloratura named Luna                                     
Will lose her job soon if not sooner.                       
She got sick on a dish                                      
Of casseroled fish                                          
And now she can't carry the tuna.                           
                                                            
43916 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      J. F. Wilson        P8302



An opera star they called Maria,                            
Tried to sing higher and higher,                            
Till she hit a high note                                    
Which got stuck in her throat,                              
And she entered the Heavenly Choir.                         
                                                            
43917 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO                               



Backstage, waiting out in the wings,                        
A stagehand had gathered his things,                        
To leave for his date,                                      
But he still had to wait                                    
Till the end, when the fat lady sings.                      
                                                            
43918 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Cap'n Bean               



A soprano, whose flight to the wings,                       
Was arrested, was told these three things:                  
"You're going back in,                                      
You've gotten too thin,                                     
You can't leave until that lady sings."                     
                                                            
43919 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Cybergeezer              



Hear me: Frieda von Barstuhl's her name,                    
The Fat Lady of opera fame;                                 
Once in old Tucumcari,                                      
For a gig she did tarry,                                    
In a sheet-iron house of ill-fame.                          
                                                            
43920 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Allen Wolverton          



Once a warehouse, but now House of Muff;                    
There is naught else that is big enough;                    
Sweep out bunks, every wench,                               
Move in many a bench,                                       
It'll do.  The acoustics look tough!                        
                                                            
43921 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Allen Wolverton          



That night the old place sure did rock,                     
And culture starved folks there did flock.                  
Though amenities lacked,                                    
This here palace was packed,                                
With ranchers and sweetheart livestock.                     
                                                            
43922 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Allen Wolverton          



When this fat lady upped, and she sang,                     
Such Wagnerian sturm und such drang!                        
The provicial folk                                          
Thought it all was a joke.                                  
Program read "Gotterdam(huh)erang!"                         
                                                            
43923 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Allen Wolverton          



She bellowed!  'Twas heard in Seattle!                      
The corrugated walls sure did rattle.                       
While rafter dust drifted                                   
On faces uplifted,                                          
The ranchers, their sheep, and their cattle.                
                                                            
43924 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Allen Wolverton          



The town idiot sought vengance so dear;                     
(He's the target of everyone's jeer),                       
So he sawed through the chain                               
As it groaned from the strain                               
Of the four-candle brass chandelier.                        
                                                            
43925 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Allen Wolverton          



Right on Frieda's high note, right on cue,                  
The chain parted, and doom downward flew.                   
Now in old Tucumcari,                                       
There's a wake for one very                                 
Old rancher and his favortie ewe.                           
                                                            
43926 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Allen Wolverton          



When the cross-dressing Guido Palmettos                     
Sang arias shod in stilettos,                               
None complained he'd distressed                             
Them by being cross-dressed,                                
But moaned, "Ugh, his vibratos; falsettos."                 
                                                            
43927 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



A lithe chorist named Sally McGrue                          
Performs descants with voice clear and true.                
She sings High A's and C's                                  
Just as cool as a breeze,                                   
Then she goes home and fucks till she's blue.               
                                                            
43928 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Jim Weaver Collection    



Of the alphabet I learn a lot,                              
From a musical lady who's hot.                              
She'll hum like a bee                                       
And hit a high C,                                           
When my organ locates her G-Spot.                           
                                                            
43929 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Bob Birch                



On high notes, her voice would crack.                       
For coloratura, she'd no knack.                             
Despite these flaws,                                        
Out poured the applause.                                    
Her talent was in hiring a CLAQUE.                          
                                                            
43930 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Norm                     



A fag took his amp for a fling;                             
He hooked up the wires to his thing.                        
Judy caused quivers,                 (Garland)              
And Liza made shivers,               (Minelli)              
But Barbra just made his cock sing.  (Streisand)            
                                                            
43931 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      H WHELCHEL               



There one was a Tenor named Justin,                         
For the soprano he was a lustin'.                           
But so many guys,                                           
Had been in her thighs,                                     
She couldn't feel Justin a-thrustin'!                       
                                                            
43932 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO                               



A diva, mid high-note attacks,                              
Could screech and raise hair on most backs.                 
But then, all the same,                                     
Received great acclaim                                      
From well-paid adoring, loud claques.                       
                                                            
43933 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Chris Papa               



"My tub runneth over the tiles,"                            
Said the diva to the plumber, all smiles.                   
When he rodded her plumbing,                                
The sound of her coming                                     
Shattered windows for several miles.                        
                                                            
43934 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      MrMalo                   



Is this the same diva whose wheeze                          
Made it difficult hitting high C's.                         
Till one day she sat on                                     
The end of a baton,                                         
And sang out "I'm Carmen!" with ease?                       
                                                            
43935 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Peter W                  



But Mitch made a fortune on stage,                          
His music and lyrics the rage,                              
For he plays the piano                                      
And sings in soprano,                                       
And his wife he keeps locked in a cage.                     
                                                            
43936 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Bob Birch           P0206



Of a sudden the great prima donna,                          
Cried, "Heavens, my voice is a goner!"                      
But a cat in the wings                                      
Said, "I know how she sings,"                               
And finished the solo with honor.                           
                                                            
43937 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Paul West                



Of a sudden, the material Madonna                           
Cried: 'Gawd: my voice is a gonner.'                        
Said the sound man, 'I think                                
You had better lip sync,'                                   
And she finished the solo with honour.'                     
                                                            
43938 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Arthur Deex         P0207



Of a sudden, the material Madonna                           
Cried: 'Gawd: my voice is a gonner.'                        
Said the sound man, 'Don't quit;                            
Hum and show them some tit.'                                
And she finished the solo with honour.'                     
                                                            
43939 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Arthur Deex         P0207



Of a sudden, the material Madonna                           
Cried: 'Gawd: my voice is a gonner.'                        
Said the sound man, 'Stop puffin' -                         
Just flash them your muffin.'                               
And she finished the solo with honour.'                     
                                                            
43940 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Arthur Deex         P0207



A sultry soprano from Chews                                 
Was famous for singing the blues,                           
But achieved greater fame                                   
For the shape of her frame,                                 
And the quantity of her "I do's."                           
                                                            
43941 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO                          P8302



A large mezzo from lower Manhattan                          
Gave recitals in jewels and satin.                          
During songs by Joe Blow                                    
Lots of bosom would show,                                   
But her corset would help keep the fat in.                  
                                                            
43942 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Jim Weaver Collection    



During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic                      
From high C, down by chord, to the tonic.                   
So John felt it unsordid                                    
To have them recorded                                       
In sound that was stereophonic.                             
                                                            
43943 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Isaac Asimov             



A lady who warbled in mezzo,                                
Repined, "I am always in dezzo,                             
My runs and my trills                                       
Could pay all my bills                                      
And would, if I didn't forgezzo."                           
                                                            
43944 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO                          P8302



A soprano, who sang in a crowd                              
At the opera, had the audience wowed,                       
When she made it quite clear                                
To everyone's ear;                                          
If you can't make it good, make it loud.                    
                                                            
43945 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Vincent Torre       P0206



A blonde hippy soprano named Sue                            
Liked Rossini, and some Verde, too.                         
But she just couldn't trill,                                
And her wobble was nil.                                     
That's why "Greensleeves" was all she could do.             
                                                            
43946 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Joel Cohen               



I know of an awful soprano,                                 
Who, landing a guest spot on Leno,                          
Was ired by his zingers,                                    
On her high shrieking stingers,                             
She threw him into the piano!                               
                                                            
43947 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Stan Harding             



Ever gracious, Renata Tebaldi,                              
Declined to perform any Vivaldi,                            
At a scheduled do,                                          
In a small petting zoo,                                     
Half-way up on the side of Old Baldy.                       
                                                           A
43948 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Marc Davidson            



Sharon southward silently stared;                           
Sometimes singing sweet songs she shared.                   
Sang so shrill, so slow,                                    
So softly, so-so;                                           
Sang soft so society she'd spare!                           
                                                            
43949 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO                               



An Armenian soprano named Khati                             
Could produce many kinds of vibrati.                        
She acquired this skill                                     
Through some acts of sheer will                             
And from casual sex with castrati.                          
                                                            
43950 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Jim Weaver Collection    



A peculiar young priest from Brazil                         
Had a mistress who knew how to trill.                       
'Twas a large blonde soprano                                
From La Scala, Milano,                                      
And she hiccupped to augment the thrill.                    
                                                            
43951 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Jim Weaver Collection    



A tempting young opera singer                               
Had on her left hand a sixth finger.                        
But she was not distressed                                  
For the digit possessed                                     
A deadly extensible stinger!                                
                                                            
43952 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Beelzebub                



A mezzo-soprano called Pat                                  
Said, "I can't sing soprano like that."                     
Until one day she sat on                                    
The end of my baton,                                        
And climaxed in upper A flat.                               
                                                            
43953 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Peter Wilkins            



In a night club in down town Hong Kong,                     
The star singer starts off with her song.                   
It starts off eastern style,                                
But just listen a while;                                    
It's hard knowing the tune's white or wong.                 
                                                            
43954 MUSIC - SINGERS - SOPRANO      Arthur Pattaffy          



A young choirboy, Ethelbert Pribble,                        
Hardly ate food at all.  He'd just nibble                   
On some pate' of flea,                                      
And drink camomile tea.                                     
Now he's bald, but he's still singing treble.               
                                                            
43955 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was an tenor named Unger,                        
For a fat lady's thighs he did hunger.                      
Despite her appeal,                                         
She was more than a meal,                                   
And he drowned while attempting to tongue her.              
                                                            
43956 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR                                 



A cheerleader, Bessie Mae Moocho,                           
At last developed a new show.                               
She bumps and she grinds,                                   
And when she unwinds,                                       
She sings like Enrico Caruso.                               
                                                            
43957 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Norm Storer         P9806



At La Scalla they wait in the wings                         
With overripe veggies and things;                           
But as all tenors learn,                                    
Though the crowd seems taciturn,                            
It ain't done till the fat lady sings.                      
                                                            
43958 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Arthur Deex         P8601



A singer named Boris from Yale                              
Could hit a high C without fail.                            
And furthermore, Boris's                                    
Eight sisters' clitorisses,                                 
When tweaked played the musical scale.                      
                                                            
43959 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Michael Weinstein   P8302



A tenor who lived in Lepanto                                
Was known for his splendid bel canto;                       
But as for his lieder,                                      
His German, dear reader,                                    
Was rather like bad Esperanto.                              
                                                            
43960 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Ron Rubin                



I vent to an opera vunce;                                   
It vas somesing by Wagner mit svans;                        
Zat soprano vas Fat,                                        
Aber, far vorse den dat,                                    
Vas der tenor, ein grausamer schvantz!                      
                                                            
43961 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Robin K. Willoughby P8602



People loved the tenor's great voicing,                     
In Handel's great music rejoicing.                          
Management, not so gay                                      
When the time comes to pay                                  
The Great Tenor's agent's great invoicing.                  
                                                            
43962 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Tony Burrell             



The tenor was prepared for his role;                        
His manner and voice under control.                         
A note rashly reached                                       
Like a whale rudely beached;                                
What the critics said, wasn't so droll!                     
                                                            
43963 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Arthur Pattaffy          



An Eminent artist named Springer,                           
That wonderful opera singer,                                
Won feminine votes,                                         
But not for high notes:                                     
His nickname, the chicks' Meisterswinger!                   
                                                            
43964 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Armand E Singer       816



There was a fine tenor named Corelli                        
Who stage fright went to his belly.                         
Those high notes he hit,                                    
But too early he quit.                                      
And now he's out teaching Bocelli.                          
                                                            
43965 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Anon                     



An opera tenor in Rio                                       
Had vocal chords where he did pee-o.                        
As he dabbled his dong,                                     
It broke into song,                                         
Rendering "O Sole Mio" con brio!                            
                                                            
43966 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR                            G0730



A frustrated diva named Alice                               
Was somewhat less proper than Callas.                       
Depressed by castrati                                       
She craved Pavarotti,                                       
Whose girth is o'ermatched by his phallus.                  
                                                            
43967 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Pat Finley               



Pavarotti, that mammoth performer,                          
Can belt out a mean Nessun Dorma.                           
But his gifts are still vaster;                             
Serve beans with his pasta                                  
And hear him fart Bellini's Norma.                          
                                                            
43968 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Tony Davie Collection    



The suject is amoroso;                                      
Its downside is doloroso.                                   
Italian bel cantos do it,                                   
Germans can't, they screw it,                               
Pavarotti is a virtuoso.                                    
                                                            
43969 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Logophilia               



A prodigious soprano named Dotty                            
Ate a dinner of beans and biscotti.                         
Then, I'm sad to impart,                                    
Her intestines took part                                    
In her duet with poor Pavarotti.                            
                                                            
43970 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Phil T                   



A tenor by name Pavarotti                                   
Inflated his fees quite a lot. He                           
Bankrupted his clients                                      
Who yelled in defiance:                                     
'To charge by the pound is quite potty.'                    
                                                            
43971 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR                                 



With a style fluid as a flamingo,                           
He can't fly but he really can sing though.                 
His rich voice does entrhall,                               
He brings solace to all.                                    
"Who?" you ask? Why Placebo Domingo.                        
                                                            
43972 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



The tenor, Placido Domingo,                                 
That dago, he really can sing-o.                            
Mozart he can Handel                                        
But he can't hold a candle                                  
To the Beatles; John, Paul, George, and Ringo.              
                                                            
43973 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Dick Potts          P8602



There once was a tenor named Fred,                          
Who took a soprano to bed.                                  
He got quite a start                                        
As she grabbed his male part;                               
"Que gelida manina!", she said.  (what a floppy little man) 
                                                            
43974 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Deborah Overes           



A Texan residing in Talco,                                  
Sang bass before swilling some alco-                        
Hol squeezin's; the kluts                                   
Found they withered his nuts                                
And rendered his singing contralto.                         
                                                            
43975 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Johnson Large            



There once was a tenor vibrato,                             
Who sang an extensive rubato;                               
The start was staccato,                                     
The middle, legato,                                         
The finish -- a rotten tomato.                              
                                                            
43976 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        J E Wallace       (Bibby)



A fat little tenor, one day,                                
Believed that he heard someone say,                         
"Here's a good tip from me:                                 
Since you're badly off key,                                 
Please sing ten or twelve miles away."                      
                                                            
43977 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        John Dohner         P8602



A tenor, once known for his miming,                         
Was asked re engagements declining.                         
Just shy of one beat,                                       
He jumped to his feet,                                      
"Could it be my wonderful slightly off timing?"             
                                                            
43978 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR                                 



I had a similar day;                                        
I offered to sing and to play.                              
They said I could sing                                      
In "Tenor", the sting?                                      
"Tenor twelve miles away."                                  
                                                            
43979 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Beau Nydal               



I offered to try it anew.                                   
They said "Go right ahead, do!                              
But can you sing solo?"                                     
They were being droll, oh!                                  
"Solo we can not hear you!"                                 
                                                            
43980 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Beau Nydal               



Three tenors, no matter how slick,                          
Are spreading it surely too thick.                          
A cornetto, just one,                                       
Is quite enough fun.                                        
Times three and I think I'll be sick.                       
                                                            
43981 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Jim Weaver Collection    



These old tenors are wobbly freaks,                         
With a voice and a diction that reeks.                      
But with nostalgic affinity                                 
For that glorious trinity,                                  
We put up with their overhill shrieks.                      
                                                            
43982 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Steve Incorrigible  P0103



But how 'bout the tenor, whose tight                        
Fitting trousers commenced for to bite.                     
His voice soon got higher                                   
Than the girls in the choir,                                
And near disappeared out of sight.                          
                                                            
43983 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Tiddy Ogg                



An haute-contre, Lorenzo Tapette                            
Kept a monkey named Bill as a pet.                          
While Tapette sang Couperin,                                
Bill would bang on a pan;                                   
Then they'd both surf for porn on the Net.                  
                                                            
43984 MUSIC - SINGERS - TENOR        Joel Cohen               



And then chimed in the contralto,                           
Who moaned it was all her fault-o.                          
She had lent her pants (tight)                              
To the choir's transvestite,                                
And had plied the basso with choc malt-o.                   
                                                            
43985 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Cyd                      



A career at 'The Met' had Miss Pratt,                       
But it suddenly ended like that.                            
When the tongue of this singer,                             
Got caught in a wringer,                                    
And all of her tones came out flat.                         
                                                            
43986 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Elizabeth Frank     P9202



A musical Queen named Simms,                                
Always does hum when (s)he rims:                            
A shapely young ass                                         
Gets Bach's B-minor Mass,                                   
But the rest all get Anglican hymns.                        
                                                            
43987 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        W. H. Auden              



Auditioning, lovely Miss Bentley                            
Sang music hall songs sentimentally.                        
Said the agent, "My dear,                                   
It is clear you've no ear,                                  
And you haven't a voice, incidentally."                     
                                                            
43988 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ron Rubin                



Charlotte Church, that maiden so fair,                      
Has found how to new fans ensnare:                          
That sweet little pigeon                                    
With charms callipygian,                                    
Has new hit, "London Derriere."                             
                                                            
43989 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Karen                    



Oh, it's Charlotte I love to harass!                        
(She peddles her "behind," and that's crass.)               
If her fans have their choice,                              
They won't go for her voice,                                
But instead feast their eyes on her ass!                    
                                                            
43990 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ward Hardman             



Charlotte Church, that "singer" who's Welsh,                
Is "Rear of the Year."  What a squelch!                     
The peak of her art                                         
Will now be her fart.                                       
(But before that, it was her belch!)                        
                                                            
43991 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ward Hardman             



Young Miss Church is, just now, "legal tender."             
Say the few who will stoop to defend her,                   
Her true talent may lie                                     
In the X-rated sty                                          
As a "Rear of the Year" ex-contender.                       
                                                            
43992 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ward Hardman             



My poems have been rated "poor."                            
I should bad-mouth Charlotte no more.                       
She's no Dame Clara Butt!                                   
Though it borders on smut,                                  
Send the "Rear of the Year" out on tour!                    
                                                            
43993 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ward Hardman             



Sweet Charlotte, the "Rear of the Year"                     
Gives her male fans something to cheer.                     
Though still underage,                                      
Her bum's now the rage,                                     
And dirty old Brits at it peer.                             
                                                            
43994 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ward Hardman             



Charlotte Church, that teen twit so dear,                   
Found how to extend her career:                             
Through high pressure (of gas),                             
Float "high C's" (from her ass),                            
As befits the "Rear of the Year."                           
                                                            
43995 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ward Hardman             



There's a young Chinese girl from Beijing,                  
Who's family advised her to sing.                           
Her voice can be heard;                                     
It's as clear as a bird.                                    
Tradition and culture she'll bring.                         
                                                            
43996 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Arthur Pattaffy          



A singer knew deep in her heart                             
She wanted an opera part.                                   
While preparing to croon                                    
A remarkable tune,                                          
The poor girl did nothing but fart!                         
                                                            
43997 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        John Dohner         P8602



There was a nice lady named Jean;                           
I met her when she was nineteen.                            
She was a singer/dancer;                                    
I have no smart answer;                                     
Already she is a has-been.                                  
                                                            
43998 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Arthur Pattaffy          



A contralto from South Obbligato                            
Had a large and excessive vibrato.                          
When her wobble began                                       
Folks just got up and ran                                   
Which is why she now lives in a grotto.                     
                                                            
43999 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN                                 



With talents which nature endowed her,                      
A lady would gargle fish-chowder.                           
She'd pick out the bones,                                   
With musical tones,                                         
Then gargle on louder and louder!                           
                                                            
44000 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a hard-rock singer,                          
Who could belt out a tune like a zinger.                    
If you looked at her wrong,                                 
She would stop the song,                                    
And show you her big middle finger.                         
                                                            
44001 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Fabrika Lims             



There was a young actress named Doris;                      
A drama she played with young Boris.                        
His part was the villain                                    
And she played unwillin'.                                   
She was had as as she sang in the chorus.                   
                                                            
44002 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Albin Chaplin            



An eskimo in his igloo                                      
Used to practice all day on kazoo;                          
His wife sang along                                         
And their favorite song                                     
Was: 'I Only Have Ice -- For You.'                          
                                                            
44003 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ron Rubin                



When Miss Priswick sang airs by Rameau,                     
Her pitch frequently bordered on low.                       
So her coach helped her sound                               
When the high notes came round,                             
With a sharp, painful jab to her toe.                       
                                                            
44004 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Joel Cohen               



My sister's best friend is a twerp,                         
Who guzzles her drinks with a slurp,                        
To entrain enough air                                       
For a rendition (fair)                                      
Of "Hail to the Chief" in one burp.                         
                                                            
44005 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        John Miller 0074         



A bashful young lady named Dee                              
Sings loudly all during a pee.                              
She sings, for that matter,                                 
To drown out the splatter,                                  
And not as a mere "jeu d'esprit".                           
                                                            
44006 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN                            G1375



A lovely young singer, quite meek,                          
I found to be rather chic.                                  
Well, she might have won                                    
Had she dressed like a nun,                                 
And sang: Domineek-a-neek-a-neek.                           
                                                            
44007 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Fabrika Lims             



A young Aussie singer named Hilda                           
Adored singing 'Waltzing Matilda';                          
For weeks, loud and shrill,                                 
She warbled, until                                          
An irate Aborigine killed her.                              
                                                            
44008 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ron Rubin                



I once knew a mermaid named Greta                           
Who looked very good in a sweater.                          
Although her figure lacks                                   
Requirements to wear slacks,                                
With her voice she now plays operetta.                      
                                                            
44009 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Arthur Pattaffy          



Every Christmas, Miss Mary McPhen                           
Does a party trick to please the men.                       
She brings down the house                                   
By removing her blouse                                      
As she tremulates "Minuit Chretien".                        
                                                            
44010 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Jim Weaver Collection    



An aging contralto from Leigh                               
Was as vain as a diva can be.                               
Though she tried hard to practice,                          
The solfa, the fact is                                      
She couldn't get further than 'Me'.                         
                                                            
44011 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Ron Rubin                



In Marseilles, a soubrette named Pagnoli                    
Sang her airs with a breath that was wholly                 
Free from odors uncouth,                                    
Which was odd for in truth                                  
She'd just eaten a pound of aioli.                          
(aioli - need definition, soubrette - 2nd banana soprano)   
44012 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN                                 



The Met's biggest ample diva, Faye Moans,                   
Was renowned for her nice pear-shaped tones.                
She, concerning her girth,                                  
Would say, for what it's worth,                             
"I'm not fat, I just have pear-shaped bones."               
                                                            
44013 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



A young pop-star named Hilary Duff,                         
As a singer, has all the right stuff.                       
But, to keep up with Whitney,                               
Christina and Britney,                                      
She'll have to perform in the buff.                         
                                                            
44014 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Alex Heydon         P0402



There was a young singer, Benita,                           
Whose voice could not have been sweeter.                    
But when singing out loud,                                  
To be heard in a crowd,                                     
Her voice sounds like a camel-beater.                       
                                                            
44015 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Arthur Pattaffy          



A hopeful young singer, Doris,                              
Sounded good when she sang in the chorus.                   
But when she sang solo,                                     
The soprano said "No!  No!,                                 
I could sing better with my clitoris."                      
                                                            
44016 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Anon                     



A singer, when she got tiddly,                              
Sang songs in the key of middle E,                          
But she picked up a code                                    
Ad redired, Ib tode,                                        
Do da warb coasd of soudern Iddly.                          
                                                            
44017 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Jan Sand                 



Our Helen enjoyed singing motets                            
With Brer Paul, as he played castanets.                     
Isorhythms galore                                           
Let to games on the floor.                                  
Rhythm method works best in duets.                          
                                                            
44018 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN                                 



Some say that Sinead has retired.                           
Others say that's not so, she was fired.                    
If she ever found work,                                     
Must have been as a clerk,                                  
Which to me is a thought inspired.                          
                                                            
44019 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Tom Patton          P0307



In PENTATETTE I saw it writ'                                
Ms Sinead O'Connor has quit.                                
Her talent was hid                                          
'Cause I don't know what she did,                           
So I guess I won't miss her a bit.                          
                                                            
44020 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0307



'Tis strange how the newspapers honor                       
A creature that's called prima donna.                       
They say not a thing                                        
Of how she can sing,                                        
But write reams of the clothes she has on her.              
                                                            
44021 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Eugene Field             



In the middle of singing a tune,                            
That Ruby Wax caused me to swoon.                           
For her grasp of tonality                                   
And vocal neutrality,                                       
Were nil.  Ought to try the bassoon.                        
                                                            
44022 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Anon                     



An aspiring blues singer called Elly,                       
Says, singing, her knees turn to jelly.                     
On a nervousness gauge,                                     
What was worse than the stage,                              
Was appearing on the local telly!                           
                                                            
44023 MUSIC - SINGERS - WOMEN        Arthur Pattaffy          



On the G-string of my Stradivarius,                         
I'm often inspired to play various                          
Airs and concerti                                           
With themes that are dirty,                                 
Disgusting and downright nefarious.                         
                                                            
44024 MUSIC - STRINGS                Barrie Collins           



An angel who played Paganinni                               
With the trills in the style of Bernini,                    
Entangled its wings                                         
In its violin strings                                       
While eating Tournado Rossini.                              
                                                            
44025 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ginger Johnson           



Another who sang in a choir                                 
And frequently doubled on lyre,                             
(Was it woman or man?                                       
Counter tenor or sopran'?                                   
I don't know), It could hit a C higher.                     
                                                            
44026 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ginger Johnson           



Yet another who loved High Baroque                          
Contemplated a practical joke.                              
It played Couperin,                                         
Broke some eggs in a pan,                                   
And covered itself with the yolk.                           
                                                            
44027 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ginger Johnson           



I play harp and can figure a bass,                          
And, with luck, add  some style and some grace.             
But I'd like to ken more                                    
Than what's writ in the score.                              
I'd study, if I knew a good place.                          
                                                            
44028 MUSIC - STRINGS                Becky Root               



Can someone suggest a good book.                            
At which it would profit to look?                           
Something clear, not too dear,                              
Something I need not fear,                                  
Would submerge me in exotic gook.                           
                                                            
44029 MUSIC - STRINGS                Becky Root               



I've continuo books now, galore.                            
What I'm looking for now's something more                   
In the harmony line -                                       
Just the basics, that's fine,                               
But, please, 17th c., at the core.                          
                                                            
44030 MUSIC - STRINGS                Becky Root               



A cat house way down in Savannah                            
Is run in the old Southern manner.                          
The girls say, "Y'all come,"                                
And the madam will strum                                    
A banjo and hum, "Oh, Susannah."                            
                                                            
44031 MUSIC - STRINGS                Larry Wilde         P8302



My friend, Fortemious Twiddle,                              
Played Mozart each day on his fiddle.                       
Then a string came undone                                   
And encircled his tongue --                                 
Shows: If fate wants to get you, then it'll.                
                                                            
44032 MUSIC - STRINGS                John Tomlinson           



The strings of this 'cello are catgut,                      
For catgut is better than ratgut.                           
But Leprechauns merry                                       
In Derry and Kerry,                                         
With tiny wee fiddles use gnatgut.                          
                                                            
44033 MUSIC - STRINGS                Peter Wilkins            



The young widow of the late Don Ramon                       
Grew too fond of a new Colachon.                            
While the servants all laughed,                             
Whe would stroke the long shaft,                            
All the while murm'ring 'Mi corazon.'                       
                                                            
44034 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



Reminds me of Captain Corelli,                              
With Mandy Lynne's head on his belly.                       
While she played his flute,                                 
His asshole would toot                                      
A counterpoint, noisy but smelly.                           
                                                            
44035 MUSIC - STRINGS                Tiddy Ogg                



This ensemble now is a trio.                                
His mandolin enters con brio.                               
A crescendo below                                           
Heralds hot flutish flow,                                   
As his asshole toots "O Solo Mio!"                          
                                                            
44036 MUSIC - STRINGS                Randog                   



There was a young lass from Duluth                          
Who played Chopin and Brahms on her crwth.                  
Though often requested                                      
To solo bare-breasted,                                      
She'd refuse, saying "Why, that's uncouth."                 
(crwth - old celtic flat stringed, plucked or bowed)        
44037 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



A young damsel who bowed the dessus                         
De viole didn't know what to do                             
When Martin, playing bass                                   
Started ripping the lace                                    
On her chest.  He just wanted to screw.                     
                                                            
44038 MUSIC - STRINGS                Jim Weaver Collection    



An accomplished young woman of Tyre                         
Was adept on the flute and the lyre;                        
When she played them together                               
You couldn't tell whether                                   
She was drowning or lighting a fire.                        
                                                            
44039 MUSIC - STRINGS                                    P8302



A lady musician called Hamp                                 
Was prone to quite severe cramp.                            
One day at the harp,                                        
She got stuck in F-sharp                                    
And was freed by acetylene lamp.                            
                                                            
44040 MUSIC - STRINGS                Michael Palin            



There was a musician named Carter                           
Who played on his lady friend's garter.                     
He'd perform anything                                       
From 'God Save The King'                                    
To Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata.'                          
                                                            
44041 MUSIC - STRINGS                Albin Chaplin            



Sweet maiden, so favoured of face,                          
With your bodice of satin and lace,                         
So uplifting your charms,                                   
I shall play thee some psalms,                              
On my lyre with a delicate grace.                           
                                                            
44042 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



KER-TWANG!! Diddle pom diddle SNAP!                         
Bloody strings!  But I knew they were crap;                 
Cost me just a few pence                                    
But I meant no offence ...                                  
Ohmygosh .. that's one helluva slap.                        
                                                            
44043 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



Oh stuff all this nonsense romantic;                        
This stupidly cupid-like antic.                             
These bells that I'm clanging                               
And strings that I'm twanging,                              
Are driving me batty and frantic.                           
                                                            
44044 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



Good try hon, but give me a break;                          
That's all the romance I can take.                          
Please give it a rest,                                      
And do what you do best;                                    
Come give those three meters a shake.                       
                                                            
44045 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



A certain young man of Hilgay.                              
Took his harp to a concert one day.                         
The audience cheered,                                       
When on stage he appeared,                                  
But they groaned when he started to play.                   
                                                            
44046 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ida Thurtle              



There was a young lady whose chin                           
Resembled the point of a pin;                               
So she made it sharp,                                       
And purchased a harp,                                       
And played several tunes with her chin.                     
                                                            
44047 MUSIC - STRINGS                Edward Lear              



The harpist had to pull a few strings,                      
To get the recognition fame brings.                         
Her fingers produced notes;                                 
Critics produced quotes;                                    
Maybe it's the way her dress clings.                        
                                                            
44048 MUSIC - STRINGS                Arthur Pattaffy          



Will Irish Harp on about why                                
His Piccolo can't satisfy?                                  
Why won't he diddle                                         
That second Fiddle                                          
With the come Zither look in her eye?                       
                                                            
44049 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



The harpist was playing at Ealing;                          
Her frock failing its job of concealing.                    
As her fingers pluck strings,                               
The audience sees things,                                   
That makes the performance revealing!                       
                                                            
44050 MUSIC - STRINGS                Arthur Pattaffy          



I'm a student of Welsh triple-harp                          
And I'm really not meaning to carp,                         
But I must use my nose,                                     
All twelve fingers plus toes                                
And that's just to play a D-sharp.                          
                                                            
44051 MUSIC - STRINGS                Anon                     



A self absorbed harpist named Mott                          
Is famous for smiling a lot;                                
When not plucking strings                                   
And such mundane things,                                    
She covertly plays with her twat.                           
                                                            
44052 MUSIC - STRINGS                Armand Singer       P0402



There was a musician named Scarp                            
Who taught many lads to play harp.                          
He enlarged his department                                  
In a rented apartment                                       
And the flats that he rented were sharp.                    
                                                            
44053 MUSIC - STRINGS                Albin Chaplin 3024  P8302



It's hard to play harp, and no doubt,                       
Much harder to lug it about.                                
It's tuned to C-flat                                        
And the reason for that                                     
Is to keep all the amateurs out.                            
                                                            
44054 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ron Rubin                



"I know what I want for my present!"                        
Said the wife in a rage, incandescent.                      
"When I said 'something to pluck,'                          
What I meant, you big schmuck,                              
Was a harpsichord, not a damn pheasant!"                    
                                                            
44055 MUSIC - STRINGS                FCA                 T9712



My ex-girlfriend, Winona M. Donkers,                        
Hated Padre Soler.  Drove her bonkers.                      
"Stop those harpsichord bits!                               
This stuff gives me the zits!"                              
I now live in Vermont.  She, in Yonkers.                    
                                                            
44056 MUSIC - STRINGS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A geisha who lived in Kyoto                                 
Could do it while playing the koto.                         
She led her profession                                      
By her skillful progression                                 
From Andante to Molto to Moto.                              
                                                            
44057 MUSIC - STRINGS                R. P. Leavitt       P8302



There once was a Dowland named Bob,                         
Who wrote a lute book, his first job.                       
Though the book's titled "Lessons"                          
The high standard's depressin'.                             
And causes beginners to sob.                                
                                                            
44058 MUSIC - STRINGS                Conrad Leviston          



There once was a man who played lute,                       
Who said, "I admit it looks cute,                           
But it's too soft to hear,                                  
And to tune takes a year,                                   
I wish I had learned to play flute."                        
                                                            
44059 MUSIC - STRINGS                Conrad Leviston          



There was a young lady of Tyre,                             
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;                        
At the sound of each sweep,                                 
She enraptured the deep                                     
With waves of libidinous desire.                            
                                                            
44060 MUSIC - STRINGS                Edwardian Leer 110       



By playing with your Mandolin,                              
My Zither should slither right in.                          
You'll think me a Lyre                                      
Till I light your fire,                                     
And douse it again with Yangchin.  (??)                     
                                                            
44061 MUSIC - STRINGS                                         



When in Cairo, Miss Agnes LePlook                           
Likes to bargain for ouds in the souk.                      
When she plays with a pick,                                 
Her oud really sounds sick,                                 
'Tis no fluke -- Miss LePlook has been took.                
                                                            
44062 MUSIC - STRINGS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A pianoforte player named Tate                              
Said, "I'll charge you the union rate.                      
But I do put my fees up                                     
For playing a knees-up                                      
Or barn dance, or music I hate."                            
                                                            
44063 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ron Rubin                



A pianaforte player named Hughes,                           
Who was booked for a round-the-world cruise,                
Played nothing but Czerny                                   
Throughout the long journey,                                
Which drove half the patrons to booze.                      
                                                            
44064 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ron Rubin                



A young music-lover from Butte,                             
She hankered to play on his flute.                          
So she said to her beau,                                    
"If you'll just let me blow,                                
You may strum on the strings of my lute."                   
                                                            
44065 MUSIC - STRINGS                Laurence Perrine    P8302



A young woman from South Carolina                           
Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.                    
With the proper-sized cocks,                                
What was sex became Bach's                                  
Toccata and Fuge in D Minor.                                
                                                            
44066 MUSIC - STRINGS                Isaac Asimov             



A guitarist by name of Renato,                              
Made love somewhat tempo rubato;                            
"At the rate that you strum,"                               
Said his girl, "I won't come;                               
Perhaps you should use some vibrato?"                       
                                                            
44067 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ron Rubin                



A most musical Greek named Demeter,                         
Composed motets, rondeaux, lais, and lieder.                
Whilst ingesting his food                                   
He'd run modes on the oud;                                  
He could tune harpsichords with his peter.                  
(oud - stringed instrument like a mandolin)                 
44068 MUSIC - STRINGS                Jim Weaver Collection    



An unmusical person at Duke                                 
Suffered hell to excel on the uke;                          
An ambition not shared                                      
By a friend, who declared,                                  
"If you don't give it up, I will puke!"                     
                                                            
44069 MUSIC - STRINGS                Keith MacMillan     A128B



Animula vagula blandula,                                    
Is it true that your origin's glandular?                    
Must you twang for the Lord                                 
An umbilical chord,                                         
Like all other impropangandula?                             
(I sure need help on this one - McW)                        
44070 MUSIC - STRINGS                Conrad Aiken             



The leader once shouted "Egad!                              
That cellist is playing so bad!                             
If he thinks that's an F,                                   
Then he must be tone deaf.                                  
Throw out that unmusical cad.                               
(last word of each line shown on a musical scale)           
44071 MUSIC - STRINGS                G'raffiti Dec, 1991 P9201



A versatile lady named Lola                                 
Plays harp, double bass, and viola,                         
Banjo and bassoon --                                        
All quite out of tune,                                      
But she's great on the old pianola.                         
                                                            
44072 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ron Rubin                



An Anglo-Brazilian called Bamba                             
Has taken up viol de gamba;                                 
He's great on fandangos                                     
And bossas and tangos                                       
And as for his samba -- Caramba!                            
                                                            
44073 MUSIC - STRINGS                Ron Rubin                



A hooker/musician named Zola,                               
Who works on the plains of Angola,                          
She serenades men                                           
In the whorehouse's den,                                    
Giving head while she plays the viola.                      
                                                            
44074 MUSIC - STRINGS                Irving Superior          



A woman who played on a lute                                
Said, "Guys, I do not give a hoot,                          
If my dreams are all dashed                                 
And my vanity bashed.                                       
I shall sing 'til my voice is KAPUT!"                       
                                                            
44075 MUSIC - STRINGS                Eva Amata                



She sat, softly playing her zither;                         
Her eyes plainly signalled come hither.                     
But her friend, six foot six,                               
Threatened punches and kicks,                               
And cause ardor to soften and wither.                       
                                                            
44076 MUSIC - STRINGS                Tiddy                    



A corpulent cellist named Bellow                            
Has a belly that jiggles like Jello.                        
And in order to fiddle,                                     
He girdles his middle                                       
To be within reach of his cello.                            
                                                            
44077 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Kathleen A. Martin  P8402



There was a young maid of Montbello                         
Who thought that musicians were mellow.                     
But a man named Casals                                      
Made her climb up the walls,                                
When he buggered the bitch with his cello.                  
                                                            
44078 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Albin Chaplin  3032 P8302



There is a young musical fellow                             
Who goes to his local bordello;                             
But can't get his parts                                     
Hard enough for the tarts,                                  
'Less he's plucking the strings of his cello.               
                                                            
44079 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO                                 



The cellist, a modest young fellow,                         
Praised for his playing so mellow,                          
"The easiest thing;                                         
I just butter each string,                                  
With a morsel of strawberry Jello."                         
                                                            
44080 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO                                 



The best part is right in the middle                        
Of my 'cello, my big fucking fiddle.                        
In the dark center hole                                     
Lives a small midget mole                                   
Who'll suck while you whittle a little.                     
                                                            
44081 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Deep Goat          TP9807



Pablo Casals, quite a fellow,                               
Welcomed johns to the cat house with, "Hello,               
When you're all finished screwing,                          
Come downstairs, 'cause  I'm doing                          
My Opus: Mellow Cello For Bordello."                        
                                                            
44082 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Theo Heller         P9205



That harlot's clit sounded so mellow                        
When bowed by a gigantic fellow,                            
She wowed the whole crowd.                                  
Bach would have been proud                                  
Of South Carolina's new cello.                              
                                                            
44083 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Travis Brasell           



The conductor, with voice like a hatchet,                   
Observed to a cellist from Datchet,                         
"You have 'tween your thighs,                               
My dear, a great prize--                                    
An instrument noted for beauty and size--                   
And yet you just sit there and scratch it.                  
44084 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO                            G0356



"My friends all want me to ski,"                            
Said the tired young cellist, "But, gee!                    
With Stravinsky, Stokowski,                                 
Kabalevsky, Tchaikovsky;                                    
That's quite enough 'skiing' for me!"                       
                                                            
44085 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO                            P8302



A cloth-eared old 'cellist named Mitch                      
Was, lucky for him, rather rich.                            
So to tune up his cello,                                    
He hired a young fellow                                     
Who claimed to have absolute pitch.                         
                                                            
44086 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Ron Rubin                



There once was a musical fellow                             
In love with his violoncello;                               
He'd whip out his thing,                                    
Pizzicato each string                                       
And make music exceedingly mellow.                          
                                                            
44087 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Peter Wilkins            



Said an utterly musical fellow,                             
"I've decided to marry my 'cello.                           
Her voice is divine,                                        
And her figure's as fine                                    
As any found in a bordello.                                 
                                                            
44088 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Edward Leer              



He wanted to marry his cello,                               
'Cause her voice was so lovely and mellow.                  
But the priest told him "Not                                
The cello you've got,                                       
For your brain, I fear, has turned to Jello!"               
                                                            
44089 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Liam na Beag             



He formerly lived with a bass,                              
A common wife surely high class.                            
But by plucking her string,                                 
She became a wild thing,                                    
And violently shook her fat ass.                            
                                                            
44090 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Dirruk                   



A naughty young lass played the cello.                      
She knew how to pleasure a fellow.                          
She worked with her beau;                                   
Stick stroked to and fro;                                   
Till he had a handfull of Jello.                            
                                                            
44091 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        Tom Myers                



While walking the dog with YoYo,                            
A young lady wanted him to go slow.                         
Said she, "I am JELLO,                                      
When I hear a cello!"                                       
And Ma gave a delighted solo.                               
                                                            
44092 MUSIC - STRINGS - CELLO        DMF                      



There was a fishmonger from Eire,                           
Who was known as somewhat of a liar.                        
He claimed he taught carp                                   
To play autoharp,                                           
When their tales were bogged in the mire.                   
                                                            
44093 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    J. Dees             P9511



There once was a gal on the Moon;                           
Her autoharp never in tune.                                 
But her back scratching was soothing                        
And oft times amusing.                                      
Her pinching technique makes me swoon.                      
                                                            
44094 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Lyman King               



A beautiful harper named Doris                              
Wore clothes exceedingly porous.                            
Though she only played chords,                              
The men weren't bored                                       
With Doris and chorus after chorus.                         
                                                            
44095 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    John Klehr          99511



Mild-mannered but guilty Clark Kent,                        
His dulcimer hammers still bent,                            
Was arrested while jamming,                                 
For quadruple flamming,                                     
And assalting a blunt instrument.                           
                                                            
44096 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    John Klehr          P9511



Some folk are addicted to pot;                              
A chemical high is their lot;                               
But a dulcimer sweet                                        
Sweeps me off my feet;                                      
I'm hooked and refrain I can not.                           
                                                            
44097 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS                        P9511



Said a festival goer in Plano,                              
"I've heard festival jams, and now I know,                  
The most similar sound                                      
That I've ever found,                                       
Is a cat-fight inside a piano.                              
                                                            
44098 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Shel Michaels       P9511



A lady who did aver,                                        
Her distaste for hammered dulcimer,                         
Said, "It bothers me not,                                   
If you play a lot,                                          
As long as you play far from here."                         
                                                            
44099 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Adele Everett       P9511



In the center of old New York State,                        
There's a dulcimer gathering of late.                       
The people do come                                          
To pick, hammer, and drum,                                  
And the music they make is first rate.                      
                                                            
44100 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Sue Trump           P9511



In fair old Binghampton town                                
A couple was fooling around                                 
With strings and with picks,                                
And several hot licks;                                      
A dulcimer lover they found.                                
                                                            
44101 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Sue Carpenter       P9511



A dulcimer player named Kevin                               
Playing in time of four/seven,                              
Said "I've found my D-sharp                                 
When I got my harp                                          
And dreamed I was playing in Heaven."                       
                                                            
44102 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Shel Michaels       P9511



There was a poor girl named Sue                             
Who claimed to have nothing to do,                          
Till she found one of those things                          
That has only three strings.                                
Now she's hooked on the dulcimer too.                       
                                                            
44103 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Lori Keddell        P9511



A cranberry lady from Bingle                                
With dulcimers wanted to mingle.                            
She knew all her frets,                                     
She knew how to pet.                                        
But duet?  "I prefer to play single."                       
                                                            
44104 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    John Klehr          P9511



There were two women, it's true,                            
Who were bored with nothing to do.                          
Their dulcimers they played,                                
Met two men and got laid.                                   
I think they're pretty lucky, don't you?                    
                                                            
44105 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Shel Michaels       P9511



He hammered his box trapezoidal,                            
So out-of-tune, it annoyed all.                             
The audience knew,                                          
Shoved it somewhere new,                                    
Now he has pains hemmorroidal.                              
                                                            
44106 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Sam Edelston        P9511



The dulcimist Terry O'Carolin                               
Thought McPherson's Fancy was barreling,                    
Said, "I've got up such speed                               
Airplanes I won't need,                                     
I won't stop till I get to Maryland.                        
                                                            
44107 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Shel Michaels       P9511



A dulcimer of one Viennese,                                 
Had a tiny sweet sound sure to please.                      
It smelled rank in abuse,                                   
From its secondary use,                                     
Slicing hard eggs and soft cheese.                          
                                                            
44108 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Guy Banks           P9511



A dulcimerist up in Maine                                   
Encountered disaster while playin'                          
A particular fling.                                         
He fell into the strings                                    
And his entire body was strained.                           
                                                            
44109 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Sue Trump           P9511



A dulcimer player named Reilly                              
Puts zoom and zing in her stylee.                           
She sings and she squeals;                                  
She bounces those reels;                                    
She may take off over the valley.                           
                                                            
44110 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    A. G. Lintner       P9511



To a band that was barely starting,                         
Bill Spence said, "I must beg your pardon.                  
Though the reel that you play                               
Was once the Gaspe'                                         
It is now called 'Victory Garden'."                         
                                                            
44111 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Shel Michaels       P9511



'azzing up an O'Carolin planxty,                            
A dulcimist thought himself fancy.                          
It sounded good far away,                                   
But I wish he would play                                    
On the banks of a river called Yangtze.                     
(planxty - Irish melody for the harp, slower that a jig)    
44112 MUSIC - STRINGS - DULCIMERS    Shel Michaels       P9511



She sat at the end of the bar                               
And watched as he played his guitar.                        
She dreamed of a life                                       
Just being his wife,                                        
While he dreamed of being a star.                           
                                                            
44113 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Observer                 



As he sat there, plucking a string,                         
He noticed a cute, blonde, young thing,                     
Sitting there at the bar                                    
And thought, "I could go far,                               
If I didn't have this darned wedding ring.                  
                                                            
44114 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Chris Anton              



She thought: Boy, he's got a cute plectrum,                 
Then blushed all the shades of the spectrum.                
On catching his eye,                                        
For she'd seen that his fly                                 
Was open, inviting inspectrum.                              
                                                            
44115 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Tiddy Ogg                



She said, "Such an instrument fine,                         
My desire is to make it all mine.                           
I do know the score,                                        
For I've had one before,                                    
And we will make music divine."                             
                                                            
44116 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Murphy                   



Then blushing, her face all aglow,                          
She puckered her lips in an "O",                            
Which caused him to blink                                   
As his plectrum went "plink"                                
And his g-string went "twang' in mid-flow.                  
                                                            
44117 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Peter Wilkins            



I rated him best you can get,                               
But plucked his last pluck has old Chet.                    
He played his guitar                                        
Behind many a star,                                         
And for angels he's doing it yet.                           
(Chet Atkins, superb guitarist died 2001)                   
44118 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a man from afar,                             
Who bought a flamenco guitar.                               
When he painted it pink,                                    
It made others think                                        
His English was way below par.                              
                                                            
44119 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Tillmanator              



If the guitar you start to pluck,                           
Then you may well be in luck.                               
For a sweet gentle strum                                    
Will sure make them come,                                   
And you will get many a buck.                               
                                                            
44120 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Fred                     



This Kieth was just sitting and strumming,                  
With Sally along with him, humming.                         
She yells, "Give me your pick,                              
It's bigger'n your dick,                                    
But hurry up, asshole, I'm coming!"                         
                                                            
44121 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young girl from Monrovia,                       
Who once spent the night with Segovia.                      
Said she to Andre,                                          
"Put your guitar away!"                                     
Said Andre "Get lost tramp, I'm over ya."                   
                                                            
44122 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Barry Cox                



A Chinese track layer named Fu,                             
Gave up laboring for something new.                         
He bought a guitar.                                         
Said, "It's better by far,                                  
To do Country and Eastern for you."                         
                                                            
44123 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



A hard rock musician named Sparr                            
Taught a gelada male the guitar.                            
As the ape plays so loud                                    
That he slays every crowd,                                  
He now works for a big-name rock star.                      
(gelada - long-maned Ethiopian ape)                         
44124 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      A. N. Wilkins       P8408



There was a guitarist named Crockett                        
Could close his case, but not lock it.                      
Then he tried with his pick,                                
And it locked with a "click"!                               
Now he carries his pick in his pocket.                      
                                                            
44125 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Dave               TP9804



A lady guitarist of Bude                                    
Was asked: "Can you play 'In the Mood'?"                    
She replied: "Why not? -- Sure!"                            
But her hearing was poor,                                   
So she stripped off and strummed in the nude.               
                                                            
44126 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Ron Rubin                



Guitar players can act so slick                             
You never would guess they're a hick.                       
A plectrum they'll use,                                     
The name they'll refuse.                                    
To them the damn thing is a pick.                           
                                                            
44127 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Larry Davis         P8511



A guitarist who came from Marbella                          
Was nagged by his wife: "Juan, I tell ya,                   
You haven't used soap                                       
Since Pius was Pope:                                        
You smell like a rotten Paella!"                            
                                                            
44128 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Ron Rubin                



A girl was frequently annoying                              
Her boyfriend by coyly employing                            
Hawaiian guitars                                            
To cover her arse:                                          
When fucked from the back, she went 'BOEING'!               
                                                            
44129 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS                          G2671



A sexy young thing played guitar;                           
Her style, it was truly bizarre.                            
The funniest thing,                                         
She played on one string;                                   
Her G-string was really the star!                           
                                                            
44130 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Tom Myers                



A shapely young maiden named Starr                          
Played tunelessly on a guitar,                              
But her fortune was made                                    
The first time she played                                   
In a topless chemise in a bar.                              
                                                            
44131 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS                          P8302



I picked up a girl in my truck.                             
She saw my guitar, said: "What luck!"                       
And so me and Heather                                       
Made music together...                                      
That gal's always up for a pluck.                           
                                                            
44132 MUSIC - STRINGS - GUITARS      Tiddy Ogg                



A violinist chum has, unhappily,                            
Acquired his Italian scrappily;                             
He thinks pizzicato                                         
Is made of tomato,                                          
And pasta, and eaten in Napoli.                             
                                                            
44133 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Ron Rubin                



Jean de Beaucaire, a creature aloof,                        
Liked to play violin on the roof.                           
He would fiddle the gig                                     
In a large orange wig;                                      
This was odd.  But then, he was a poof.                     
                                                            
44134 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Jim Weaver Collection    



A comedy fiddler named Ray                                  
In an orchestra started to play,                            
But a rival, 'tis said,                                     
Struck poor Ted on the head,                                
And he swore in a 'VIOLINT' way.                            
                                                            
44135 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Ted Ray                  



For sale: One viola. As new.                                
Would exchange for Jew's harp or kazoo.                     
In perfect condition                                        
Above first position.                                       
Tuned recently. Box 32.                                     
                                                            
44136 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Violas, get proud and get mean!                             
Paint your instruments luminous green.                      
Dye your hair, spread the word;                             
Though we may not be heard                                  
There's no way that we'll fail to be seen.                  
                                                            
44137 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Jim Weaver Collection    



A lovely young girl from New Delhi                          
Makes love to violas and celli;                             
She fiddles and sings                                       
While she fingers their strings,                            
And she clutches them close to her belly.                   
                                                            
44138 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Jim Weaver Collection    



If a fiddle you try to scrape,                              
Be ready to make your escape.                               
For one slip of the bow,                                    
Means the end of the show.                                  
You'll get Marlene complete with duck tape.                 
                                                            
44139 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Fred                     



A young violinist named Biddle                              
Played exceedingly well on the fiddle.                      
Yet 'twixt women and art                                    
'Twas the girls won his heart                               
Hands down, and hands up, and hands middle.                 
                                                            
44140 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Isaac Asimov             



There was a musician named Brad                             
Played music so sad on his Strad.                           
But his organ was best                                      
As the girls did attest;                                    
'Twas the finest that anyone had.                           
                                                            
44141 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Albin Chaplin            



There once was a man with a fiddle,                         
Who played because his dick was little.                     
Then he broke a string,                                     
And played with his thing,                                  
And soon he found out how to diddle.                        
                                                            
44142 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS                               



The world loves a violin, of course;                        
But just think: that tone is perforce                       
Produced by a cat                                           
When its lower anat.                                        
Is scraped by the hair of a horse.                          
                                                            
44143 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Ron Rubin                



A repellent young fellow named Bellow,                      
Was kicked out of a Paris bordello.                         
He sawed his bow fiddle,                                    
Across a whore's middle,                                    
Insisting that she was a 'cello.                            
                                                            
44144 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS                          G2254



An authentic performer called Kyle                          
Had a harpy's head scroll on his viol.                      
It was hard to hear                                         
And it spat in his ear,                                     
For some minor infringement of style.                       
                                                            
44145 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Jim Weaver Collection    



To old supervisor McBiddle                                  
The office, he found, was a riddle.                         
It was filled with musicians                                
With many ambitions,                                        
For they all seemed to know how to fiddle.                  
                                                            
44146 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Albin Chaplin   3024-2693



An amateur fiddler named Brad                               
Once bought what he thought was a Strad.                    
Said his wife, "Look, my dear,                              
It says 'Made in Korea' --                                  
Too bad, Brad -- I think you've been had!"                  
                                                            
44147 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS      Ron Rubin                



Pinkas Z., a violinist with broad                           
Tone and fingers quite nimble cried "Fraud!"                
When he heard Ludwig van                                    
At 430.  He then                                            
Played his versions of Mozart.  We snored                   
                                                            
44148 MUSIC - STRINGS - VIOLINS                               



A musical soldier named Bager                               
Once took out his cock on a wager.                          
He quipped, "Though A Minor,                                
I find nothing finer                                        
That stuffing this thing up A Major.                        
                                                            
44149 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Ferris T. McMilford P8308



Lawrence Welk has got something quite new;                  
A rhythm to which old folks can screw.                      
There's no syncopation                                      
In this fornication;                                        
The beat is "A one an' a two."                              
                                                            
44150 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Jim Menger          P9205



A bandleader out in Lahore                                  
Played every darned tune in five-four.                      
The other musicians                                         
Quite liked these renditions,                               
But the dancers all found them a bore.                      
                                                            
44151 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Ron Rubin                



A depraved old Jew from Estretto,                           
Buggered every young man in the ghetto.                     
He once had his hose in                                     
A musician, composing,                                      
Who said, "Not so slow--allegretto!"                        
                                                            
44152 MUSIC - TEMPO                                      L0465



A young violinist in Rio,                                   
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.                             
As she took down her panties,                               
She said, "No andantes,                                     
I want this allegro con brio!"                              
                                                            
44153 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Anon                L0092



She gets meat to the beat of Purcell,                       
As crescendo they reach you can tell.                       
It really does pain her                                     
When Joe tries to Stainer:                                  
His baton's too big, poor Michelle!                         
                                                            
44154 MUSIC - TEMPO                                           



There was a young fellow named Gibb                         
Performed in a manner quite glib.                           
With a girl from Karachi                                    
It was Allegro Vivace,                                      
With Cadenza Con Brio Ad Lib.                               
                                                            
44155 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Albin Chaplin            



Every night, King Alphonse the something                    
Practiced his favorite sport, which was humping.            
Trying out new positions,                                   
He'd command his musicians                                  
To play Cantigas for the royal pumping.                     
(cantigas - Iberian folk songs of love)                     
44156 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Though I'm blessed with a tight little trio,                
They are often mistook for Doppio.                          
If you're still having doubts,                              
Ask the girls hereabouts,                                   
Who still love how I play with Con Brio.                    
                                                            
44157 MUSIC - TEMPO                                           



A trio that's twice normal size?                            
That must be a sight for sore eyes.                         
A sextet, I'm guessing?                                     
(Unless you're undressing,                                  
I'll just have to extemporize.)                             
                                                            
44158 MUSIC - TEMPO                                           



There was a young lady named Lena                           
Who loved with a sweet concertina.                          
She preferred pieces long                                   
To a beat that was strong,                                  
And demanded Da Capo al Fine.                               
                                                            
44159 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Albin Chaplin            



Sometimes there are airs grave and gentle,                  
Religious, or perhaps, sentimental,                         
Or the limerick's lyric,                                    
Or else panegyric,                                          
Or struggles with things elemental.                         
(panegyric - eulogy)                                        
44160 MUSIC - TEMPO                  E O Parrot*              



You start pianissimo, lento,                                
And slowly you accelerendo,                                 
Allegretto nontropo,                                        
'Til you're reaching the top-o,                             
And end with a forte crescendo.                             
                                                            
44161 MUSIC - TEMPO                                           



A lady from West Oklahoma,                                  
Always came when she heard "La Paloma."                     
Once, in Mexico City,                                       
Ah! More's the pity,                                        
The lady stayed in a deep coma.                             
                                                            
44162 MUSIC - TEMPO                                      G2448



You just let me between your legato,                        
And I'll stir you with my Agitato.                          
Just like women before,                                     
You'll be begging for more                                  
And then show far too much Obligato.                        
                                                            
44163 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Frank Sfa                



When a musical student of Berkeley                          
Made it known he'd a taste for the quirkily,                
His betrothed made it clear,                                
As the moment drew near,                                    
She preferred it lagato to jerkily.                         
                                                            
44164 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Keith MacMillan     A129A



A musical harlot was Polly;                                 
Her students found sex classes jolly.                       
She taught the legato,                                      
And rapid vibrato --                                        
The crescendo was saved for finale.                         
                                                            
44165 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Albin Chaplin G2459 P8302



In Paris, a man called Jerome                               
Works in subways close to his home.                         
He's dwarfish, too,                                         
At four foot and two,                                       
And he's called a Metro gnome.                              
                                                            
44166 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Al Willis           P9506



A maestro directing in Rome,                                
Had a quaint way of driving it home.                        
Whomsoever he climbed                                       
Had to keep her tail timed                                  
To the beat of his old metronome.                           
                                                            
44167 MUSIC - TEMPO                                      L0340



The Minute Waltz, I use all day.                            
For soft boiled eggs, three times I play.                   
For "Wait a minute!"                                        
I'll then begin it.                                         
And when "Take five," the boss will say...                  
                                                            
44168 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Irving Superior          



That sexy conductor, Fernando,                              
Loved playing the virile commando;                          
But as he got bolder                                        
He also got older:                                          
His tempi got much more lentando.                           
                                                            
44169 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Armand E Singer       396



Accordion to your innuendo,                                 
You're offering me a Crescendo?                             
Where's my guarantee                                        
Your Organ will be                                          
Grandioso and not Diminuendo?                               
                                                            
44170 MUSIC - TEMPO                                           



An oddball musician from Lytham                             
Has just about no sense of rhythm.                          
Now he busks in the Strand                                  
With his own one-man band,                                  
For nobody else will play with him.                         
(to busk - entertain with music)                            
44171 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Ron Rubin                



There was a young cat from Carlisle,                        
Who only played once in a while,                            
He made little bread,                                       
For, as I have said,                                        
He only played "Once In A While."                           
                                                            
44172 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Ron Rubin                



In Versailles, the young Baron Des Fesses                   
Played on treble viol, wearing a dress.                     
He had one other trick:                                     
He would wiggle his dick                                    
Every time that the tempo would press.                      
                                                            
44173 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young Royal Marine,                             
Whose musical ear was obscene.                              
He said, "Isn't it odd,                                     
But I never know 'God                                       
Save the Weasel' from 'Pop Goes the Queen.'"                
                                                            
44174 MUSIC - TEMPO                                           



At a concert one night in Eindhoven,                        
A virgin was raped to Beethoven.                            
As he kept to the beat,                                     
She took note that his feet,                                
Had no shoes, and no socks, and were cloven.                
                                                            
44175 MUSIC - TEMPO                                           



Ker-plinkety plunkety plinks...                             
She's practicing Mozart methinks.                           
Ker-plinkety PLONK!                                         
She's having a bonk                                         
With her musical tutor, the minx!                           
                                                            
44176 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Peter Wilkins            



The two of them get down to business,                       
The tutor and his randy mistress.                           
The neighbor he harks:                                      
'Tis the beast with two Bachs;                              
He hears and he feels kind of Lisztless.                    
                                                            
44177 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Tiddy                    



There was a young fellow named Dondeau;                     
With sex he did like a rondo.                               
He desired a refrain                                        
Played again and again,                                     
And be spiced with a sudden sforzando.                      
                                                            
44178 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Albin Chaplin            



An obstreperous couple named Cassian                        
Got it off to the St. Matthew Passion.                      
Nude 'cept for boots,                                       
They'd dig Kurt Equiluz,                                    
'Til the mirror above them came crashin'.                   
                                                            
44179 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Jim Weaver Collection    



"No ugly noise," Sir John did proclaim.                     
To the galleries, he told both the same.                    
But last night at the hall,                                 
Birty panicked them all                                     
And even put prommers to shame.                             
                                                            
44180 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Dieter Kraut, a nice guy but Teutonic,                      
Would have sex to loud ticks metronomic.                    
In strict time, one two three --                            
That was his cup of tea!                                    
His ex-wife is in South Taconic.                            
                                                            
44181 MUSIC - TEMPO                  Jim Weaver Collection    



At squeeze-box play I'm no mug,                             
It's bellows I push and I tug,                              
But the notes now are flat,                                 
And accordion to Pat,                                       
It's got the melodeon bug.                                  
                                                            
44182 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



An accordion-playing SEXTET                                 
Was frustrated and perplexed, yet                           
Discovered a way                                            
To keep bellows at bay,                                     
And the pleasuring organs annexed, wet.                     
                                                            
44183 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              J'Carlin                 



The nose flute's a curious thing,                           
And much favored East of Nanking;                           
But if you've congestion,                                   
It's out of the question,                                   
And safer to whistle or sing.                               
                                                            
44184 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Ron Rubin                



A cute young thing played clarinet.                         
She also could play hard to get.                            
But her reed took a fall                                    
Into rohypnol;        (date rape drug)                      
I haven't stopped humping her yet.                          
                                                            
44185 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Tom Myers                



A boy who played tunes on a comb,                           
Had become such a nuisance at homb,                         
His ma spanked him, and then,                               
"Will you do it again?"                                     
And he cheerfully answered her, "Nomb."                     
                                                            
44186 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



A 'stuck-up' conductor from Troon                           
Told the woodwinds, "You're never in tune!"                 
I cannot tell how                                           
But when taking his bow,                                    
He got raped by a contra-bassoon.                           
                                                            
44187 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jemstone            P0101



After years of straining and heaving,                       
Now music awards I'm receiving,                             
For Bolero played through                                   
A didgeridoo.                                               
(It taught itself circular breathing.)                      
                                                            
44188 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Frank                    



A jongleur impecunious from France                          
Had a method for raising large grants.                      
For his baron's young wife,                                 
He would sing and he'd fife,                                
As he casually lowered his pants.                           
                                                            
44189 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a musician named Drife                            
Who knew how to live a good life;                           
He buggered Veronica                                        
While he played his harmonica,                              
And he ate her while playing his fife.                      
                                                            
44190 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Albin Chaplin   3024-1255



There was a young man of Salonika                           
Who climbed into bed with Veronica.                         
When she asked him so tender                                
What great things he could render,                          
He played Beethoven's Suite for Harmonica.                  
                                                            
44191 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8302



A young lady in need of a screw                             
Eyed me as I played the Kazoo.                              
She listened and said,                                      
"Bring that to my bed...                                    
You can blow it while up my wazoo!"                         
                                                            
44192 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Tutta Gioia              



A musician from Kalamazoo                                   
Once played "Chloe" upon the Kazoo.                         
The crowd screamed for more,                                
So for an encore,                                           
He played "Trees" on the didgeri-doo.                       
                                                            
44193 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Don Boen            P8112



There once was a man from Algiers,                          
Who earned a small sum from his ears,                       
Which he flapped fro and to                                 
While he played a Kazoo                                     
And drew few, but exuberant, cheers.                        
                                                            
44194 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              JSE                      



At the concert, a coed named Clewer                         
Fell in love with a handsome Kazooer.                       
That night about 2:00                                       
She blew his Kazoo,                                         
And he emptied both gonads into her.                        
                                                            
44195 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Michael Weinstein   P8302



During Mass at a church in Spaleto,                         
Krummhorns tootled a dance by Susato.                       
While the Bishop, a Croat,                                  
Rode the aisles on a goat,                                  
The archdeacon sucked on a tomato.                          
                                                            
44196 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



On Sunday, when all were forlorn,                           
Like a sheep that's been dipped and then shorn,             
He made every one laugh,                                    
Not by a quick gaffe,                                       
But by playing his raucous krummhorn.                       
(krummhorn - obsolete reed instrument with a fishhook shape)
44197 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jonathan Munn            



A Krummhorn's not a dead ringer                             
For any popular singer.                                     
It's small and it's brown;                                  
It can't play upside-down,                                  
And Christ! It's a bugger to finger.                        
                                                            
44198 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A Moravian elder, Hans Schmidt                              
Played the krummhorn while taking a shit.                   
The year plumbing came in,                                  
Schmidt took up violin.                                     
"More refined," he opined.  Then he'd shit.                 
                                                            
44199 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



There once was a strapping galoot,                          
Who played lute, saquebut, and flute.                       
He'd whack nuts with the flute,                             
Sack their butts and then scoot                             
Out of town with a sack full of loot, tooting flute.        
                                                            
44200 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Pat Powers               



An eight-nostrilled man in Cancun                           
Blows his nose-organ nicely in tune,                        
Till the ragweeds first bloom,                              
When he suffers from rheum,                                 
So he plays the mouth-organ in June.                        
                                                            
44201 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Prof M-G            T9707



Said a cockley-bred hobo from Soho,                         
Playing "God save the King" on his oboe,                    
"Don't call me a hobo                                       
A-playing me oboe...                                        
I'm an 'obo a-playing me hoboe."                            
                                                            
44202 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Joseph S Newman          



'It's a very odd thing' remarked Goosens,                   
'But if ever my upper lip loosens                           
My oboe propounds                                           
Such indelicate sounds                                      
I'm arrested for causing a nuisance.'                       
                                                            
44203 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow from old Porto Novo                                
Had a strange place for storing his oboe.                   
Decorum stops me merely                                     
From uttering clearly,                                      
Just say when he farts, there's an echo.                    
                                                            
44204 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Robert Elliot            



A musical lass from Arabia                                  
Would play "Die Forelle" or maybe "A-                       
Pres midi d'un faun";                                       
All she needed, she'd yawn,                                 
Was some paper, a comb, and her labia!                      
                                                            
44205 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Pangolin           TP9901



Since Adam's last date was a fickle ho, (fickle whore)      
He aspired to score with a piccolo.                         
He attempted to charge her,                                 
But couldn't get larger,                                    
So all he could do was to lick her low.                     
                                                            
44206 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



Wife said, "My God! Can't you pack it?                      
That racket! I can no longer hack it!                       
Just WHAT is that noise?"                                   
He replied with great poise...                              
"It's Brahms with his C-Minor Racket!!"                     
                                                            
44207 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



An early musician named Packett,                            
Was fed up and just couldn't hack it.                       
He stood on a chair                                         
High up in the air,                                         
And impaled himself on a rackett.                           
(rackett - obsolete bass reed of bassoon family)            
44208 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jonathan Munn            



A rackett's a name (rather posh)                            
For a bassoon that's suffered a squash.                     
The reeds that it needs                                     
Can be found among weeds                                    
That grow largely in swamps or a wash.                      
                                                            
44209 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jonathan Munn            



It's bore is a bit of a caper;                              
It goes up and down with no taper.                          
It makes a slight buzz,                                     
Like a bee caught in fuzz,                                  
And makes noises like comb and some paper.                  
                                                            
44210 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



Alas, I don't have a rackett.                               
As really they cost quite a packet.                         
The reason, you see,                                        
Is a lack of money,                                         
And besides, I don't think I could hack it.                 
                                                            
44211 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Sarah Lowe               



A soprano recordist named Gail                              
Got herself swallowed up by a whale.                        
All day long in his belly                                   
She'd practice her Tele-                                    
mann Suites, 'til the poor beast turned pale.               
                                                            
44212 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



Mulligan was in many sacks,                                 
But slipped into very few cracks.                           
Young Gerry, you see,                                       
Eclipsed me and thee,                                       
His dick was as huge as his sax.                            
                                                            
44213 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



His measurements, sadly, well known,                        
The ladies all feared that huge bone.                       
They'd just wet his reed,                                   
Then finish the deed,                                       
While fingering that baritone.                              
                                                            
44214 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



A sax player, Rory Mozart                                   
Got off to a ripping bad start.                             
Each time that he tuned,                                    
The effect was ruined,                                      
When each note came out just like a fart.                   
                                                            
44215 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Annie Jay                



The man who played bass saxophone                           
Achieved a mellifluous tone.                                
He was fond of fried chicken                                
And the girl's pulse would quicken,                         
Whenever he slipped her the bone.                           
                                                            
44216 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



In L.A. a shawm player named June                           
Had great problems just staying in tune.                    
All her colleagues would flee                               
When she went out of key.                                   
This is why she's now taking bassoon.                       
(shawm - double reed precursor to oboe)                     
44217 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Jim Weaver Collection    



I went down to Oystermouth Bay,                             
With squeeze-box and offered to play.                       
I asked for requests;                                       
They answered -- you've guessed --                          
Play "Over the Hills, Far Away."                            
                                                            
44218 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Tiddy                    



The best of musicians was Chet;                             
A lover she'll never forget.                                
He filled her so well,                                      
Her girlfriends she'd tell,                                 
"I think he used his clarinet!"                             
                                                            
44219 MUSIC - WOODWINDS              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



The outrageous young Duke of Bologna                        
Used to play on a large black zampogna                      
During dinners at court.                                    
(It was rude, they all thought.)                            
From his ass, there would sprout a begonia.                 
(zampogna - Pan pipes)                                      
44220 MUSIC - WOODWINDS                                       



My friend Alexander McEnsay,                                
On a visit, too long he would stay.                         
He would eat like a horse,                                  
Always our food, of course;                                 
When leaving he'd not offer to pay.                         
                                                            
44221 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Arthur Pattaffy          



In the cottage, he'd spend all the day;                     
His bagpipes for hours he'd play.                           
Our pets have left home,                                    
'Round the island to roam,                                  
Our donkeys will no longer bray.                            
                                                            
44222 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Arthur Pattaffy          



When stationed in Scotland, my dad                          
Had reason to think pipes were bad.                         
When a pilot was killed,                                    
They skirled and they chilled                               
The hearts of those grieving the lad.                       
                                                            
44223 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Tutta Gioia              



Harpsichords make a big clank                               
Like coins dropping into a bank.                            
But it's bagpipes I curse;                                  
They're a bloody sight worse.                               
Are they someone's idea of a prank?                         
                                                            
44224 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Peter Wilkins            



When a famed bagpipe band played DeWitt,                    
A man asked their leader, McNitt,                           
Why they always parade                                      
When they play.  He essayed,                                
"Moving targets are harder to hit!"                         
                                                            
44225 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES                       P8302



You tell us, the pipes you abhor;                           
You're just one amonst many more;                           
I believe in the past                                       
The bagpipes were classed                                   
As an inhumane weapon of war.                               
                                                            
44226 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Tiddy Ogg                



Pipers while piping have found,                             
As they march up and down and around,                       
Quick march or slow,                                        
However they go,                                            
They cannot escape that damn sound.                         
                                                            
44227 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Tutta Gioia              



To those Scots lads and lassies 'round here,                
If you're born with a natural ear                           
For the sound of the Pipes,                                 
Please forgive recent gripes,                               
But their noise drives me crazy, I fear.                    
                                                            
44228 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Peter Wilkins            



If they're made from old udders somehow,                    
'Twould explain that cow-phonious row;                      
Although sheep gut would be                                 
More ewe-phonious, see,                                     
I think haggis is made from that now.                       
                                                            
44229 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Peter Wilkins            



For a Scotsman the heat was benumbing;                      
He imagined he heard bagpipes humming                       
In unlikely places;                                         
On a desert oasis,                                          
He dreamt that the Campbells were coming.                   
                                                            
44230 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Laurence Perrine    P9407



A man from the Mull of Kintyre                              
Said, "My bagpipes are always for hire."                    
When he started to play,                                    
He was shot, so they say,                                   
Which deflated them just like a tire.                       
                                                            
44231 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Spike Mulligan           



McGregor, a bashful young Scot,                             
Had been chaste, but never been caught.                     
Till a lassie one day                                       
Said, "The bagpipes you play                                
Don't compare with the organ you've got."                   
                                                            
44232 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Macsam                   



I purchased some bagpipes last week,                        
And practised their droning and squeak.                     
My neighbor next door                                       
Though, who hails from Jaipur,                              
Said the noise of the pipes made him Sikh.                  
                                                            
44233 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Peter Wilkins            



I once knew a guy named MacArt                              
Who made blowing 'pipes a new art;                          
Stuck them up his kilt                                      
Buried to the hilt,                                         
And blew shitty tunes with his farts.                       
                                                            
44234 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES                            



Old Angus, the Laird's favorite piper,                      
Was shot in the balls by a sniper.                          
It seems that the fool                                      
Mistook Angus's tool                                        
For a species of venomous viper.                            
                                                            
44235 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Peter Wilkins            



The bagpipe chanter's high-screaming skirl,                 
Is best reserved for tartan's swirl.                        
While those who complain                                    
Of high-singing's pain                                      
Reserve for themselves, name of churl.                      
                                                            
44236 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Daniel Ford              



Some find that the bagpipes high SKIRL,                     
Like the shriek of a demented girl,                         
Or nail on a chalkboard,                                    
Falsetto Dan Ford,                                          
Makes you into a tiny ball curl.                            
                                                            
44237 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Chris Papa               



Some bagpipes were stolen!  I kid                           
You not, folks, for happen it did.                          
Police, under cover,                                        
Seek a true music lover,                                    
Or maybe a short-sighted squid.                             
                                                            
44238 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Tiddy Ogg                



One night I was roused by the pipes                         
Being played by a band of strange types.                    
They then tossed a caber,                                   
And shouted, "Vote Labour!"                                 
My sporran lit up and said Cripes!                          
                                                            
44239 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BAGPIPES   Bill Wall                



A man who had played the bassoon                            
Was heard whistling a hillbilly tune,                       
And though it's not fair                                    
He was moved from first chair,                              
And forbidden to play Claire de lune.                       
                                                            
44240 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Bob Birch                



There once was a breathy baboon                             
Who always breathed down a bassoon.                         
For he said, "It appears                                    
That in billions of years,                                  
I shall certainly hit on a tune."                           
                                                            
44241 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Sir Arthur Eddington     



Although vilified as a buffoon,                             
He caused many a maiden to swoon,                           
Every time he'd let go                                      
With an arpeggio,                                           
From his ill wind, a screeching bassoon.                    
                                                            
44242 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Loren Fitzhugh           



I once had a performing baboon,                             
That farted music through a bassoon.                        
At times, more than gas                                     
Came out of his ass,                                        
And he cleaned out the bassoon with a spoon.                
                                                            
44243 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Hungarian Rhymarian      



An aspiring musician named June                             
Could hardly carry a tune.                                  
Despite her bad ear,                                        
She advanced her career                                     
By blowing the maestro's bassoon.                           
                                                            
44244 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Macsam                   



A blond woodwind player named June,                         
Arrived at rehearsal too soon.                              
A man in the band                                           
Put his flute in her hand,                                  
And it changed to a contra bassoon.                         
                                                            
44245 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    J. Letts                 



A man who played the bassoon,                               
Continually played the same tune.                           
Through August, September,                                  
November, December,                                         
March, April, May, and now June.                            
                                                            
44246 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Spike Mulligan           



Irrepressable Vidal Sassoon,                                
On a fantasy trip to the moon,                              
Tried to titillate Venus                                    
By disguising his penis                                     
As an elegant golden bassoon.                               
                                                            
44247 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Boy Pilot                



Whenever he played his bassoon,                             
His dog started baying the moon.                            
We shouted, "Get lost!"                                     
But they wouldn't be bossed,                                
And the only thing lost was the tune.                       
                                                            
44248 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Laurence Perrine    P8302



They asked a young man on bassoon                           
If his cold would be clearing up soon.                      
He said, "When you suppose                                  
That I'm blowing my nose,                                   
I am actually playing a tune."                              
                                                            
44249 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Flo                            
Who said that she wanted to know                            
Did bassoonist Herr Klauth                                  
Make that noise through his mouth?                          
The conductor cried, "God, I hope so!"                      
                                                            
44250 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Albin Chaplin 3024  P8302



A bassoonist, I sat there bereft;                           
Of my music, all staved and bass-cleffed;                   
Forgetting the tune,                                        
I cased my bassoon;                                         
Then I made my excuses and left.                            
                                                            
44251 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - BASSOON    Nick                     



While playing some scales on the flute,                     
I noticed strange stains on my suit.                        
Am I losing my bottle?                                      
I'm covered in dottle!                                      
Does James Galway get this in mid toot?                     
                                                            
44252 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Bill Wall                



A flatulent flautist named Flo,                             
Attained mastery out of fear of solo.                       
She feared unharmonious effervescence,                      
Amid gasps from the audience,                               
So she lip-syncs poco adagio in duo.                        
                                                            
44253 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Jim                      



A lady, while playing the flute,                            
Was thought to be rather astute.                            
Her runs were not always                                    
As fluid as Galway's                                        
But her wiggle was wonderfully cute.                        
                                                            
44254 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Jim Weaver Collection    



A fair floogie flat-footed, Miss Blitz,                     
Gave the floy to a flautist named Fritz.                    
As he played suites by Bach,                                
Fritz thought to himself, "Ach,                             
This is schwach.  And it hurts when I pisz."                
(schwach - ???)                                             
44255 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old flautist named Lessing,                    
whose style was most unprepossessing;                       
Said a critic from Tees;                                    
"It is not just the keys,                                   
But the listeners that Lessing's depressing."               
                                                            
44256 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Ron Rubin                



There was an old lady of Butte                              
With an oversize quim so hirsute,                           
That a flutist fell in,                                     
And was saved by his chin,                                  
But no person has yet found his flute.                      
                                                            
44257 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0411



There was an Old Man with a flute, --                       
A serpent ran into his boot!                                
But he played day and night,                                
Till the serpent took flight,                               
When it noticed the "flute" didn't toot.                    
                                                            
44258 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Edwardian Leer 034       



There was a Young Lady of Butte,                            
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;                          
She played several jigs                                     
To her Uncle's white pigs                                   
And stunts that were ever so cute.                          
                                                            
44259 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Edwardian Leer 038       



When her dear husband died, Mrs. Newt                       
Was sad, 'cause she missed the old coot.                    
So she cut off his balls                                    
Which she hung on the walls,                                
And his prick she made into a flute.                        
                                                            
44260 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Albin Chaplin   3024-1808



Of an orchestra's direst ills,                              
Is a flautist who artlesssly shrills.                       
Like a dress-making plant                                   
With a seamstress who can't                                 
Do aught but to tuck up the frills.                         
                                                            
44261 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Bob Giandomenico    P9602



There was a musician named Lute                             
Whose girl thought that he was so cute.                     
And what made him the rage,                                 
Was he fucked her on stage,                                 
While he played a concerto for flute.                       
                                                            
44262 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0724



A flautist who fucked his own flute                         
Got his instrument stuck on his root.                       
When he enters erection                                     
His woodwind section                                        
Now comes with a terrible toot!                             
                                                            
44263 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE                          G2337



On the beach sat a fellow named Knute                       
Who played beautiful tunes on his flute;                    
He impressed a young lass                                   
With a great looking ass,                                   
And he charmed her right out of her suit.                   
                                                            
44264 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Cap'n Bean               



There once was a girl who played flute;                     
She was sexy, buxom, and cute.                              
As the notes fluttered,                                     
Her pipe I buttered;                                        
Cleaning rod rammed right up her chute.                     
                                                            
44265 MUSIC - WOODWINDS - FLUTE      Tom Myers                



The Limerick realm now prepares                             
For some rather unwordly affairs.                           
It's of course, melancholy                                  
That not all gods are holy,                                 
But have lusts that each mortal man shares.                 
                                                            
44266 MYTHOLOGY                      E O Parrot               



An ingenious god was old Zeus,                              
He assumed many forms to seduce,                            
So any Greek beauty                                         
Would think it her duty                                     
To submit to a swan, or a goose.                            
                                                            
44267 MYTHOLOGY                      Harriet Mandelbaum       



To share faithful Alcmena's bed,                            
Jove's disguise was the man she'd wed.                      
But this husbandly mold                                     
Left the good wife quite cold,                              
"Not tonight dear, my head aches", she said.                
                                                            
44268 MYTHOLOGY                      Harrriet Mandelbaum      



Europa was awed, and was pawed,                             
By a bull, who was Zeus, her lord.                          
As he fled with his prize,                                  
He pronounced this disguise                                 
A divine way to ride abroad.                                
                                                            
44269 MYTHOLOGY                      Harriet Mandelbaum  P0303



To pent Danae, Zeus of old,                                 
Appeared as a shower of gold.                               
When he'd made her surrender                                
To his legal tender,                                        
"Oh, please keep the change", he was told.                  
                                                            
44270 MYTHOLOGY                      Harriet Mandelbaum  P0303



When a friend said to Leda, "Come on,                       
Tell me why you are looking so wan?"                        
She replied, "It's inspiring                                
But ever so tiring,                                         
When a girl gets it off with a swan."                       
                                                            
44271 MYTHOLOGY                      Peter Alexander          



Said Mars when entangled with Venus,                        
"I think there is something between us,                     
And the sound in my ears                                    
Of Olympian jeers,                                          
Suggests that the blighters have seen us.                   
                                                            
44272 MYTHOLOGY                      Mary Holtby              



My demands upon life are quite modest,                      
They're just to be properly goddessed.                      
Astarte or Isis                                             
Might do in a crisis,                                       
But the best's Aphrodite, unbodiced.                        
                                                            
44273 MYTHOLOGY                      Robert Conquest          



That mythical creature, the Sphinx,                         
Is smarter than anyone thinks.                              
He sits there and smirks                                    
And you don't think it works,                               
Then when you're not looking, he winks.                     
                                                            
44274 MYTHOLOGY                      Bill wall                



Was there ever a real flying saucer                         
Reported by Shakespeare or Chaucer?                         
No, and here's why:                                         
Strange sights in the sky,                                  
Awaited the first Frisbee tosser.                           
                                                            
44275 MYTHOLOGY                      Paul Niquette            



Rich King Midas, a monarch of old,                          
Had the aureus touch, we've been told.                      
He regretted the power,                                     
When the whole thing turned sour,                           
When his staphylococcus turned gold.                        
                                                            
44276 MYTHOLOGY                      Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



The curse of gold.  When Midas ate                          
Each dish he touched became gold plate.                     
His daughter too                                            
Became Au,                                                  
And when he had to urinate....,                             
                                                            
44277 MYTHOLOGY                      Irving Superior     P8308



Though Leander confessed he was sorry                       
That he hadn't garnered more glory,                         
"There's no way a man                                       
In this instance can                                        
Be the Hero," he said, "of this story."                     
                                                            
44278 MYTHOLOGY                      A. N. Wilkins       P8309



The Pied Piper of Hamlein was bats                          
To take on so many big rats.                                
If they would just splash                                   
'Bout half of the cash,                                     
I'd happily lend them my cats.                              
                                                            
44279 MYTHOLOGY                      Tony Burrell             



The Gods must be there to annoy                             
And laugh when our dreams they destroy.                     
They sit up on high,                                        
They laugh while we cry                                     
As they snatch from our beds all our joy.                   
                                                            
44280 MYTHOLOGY                      Tutta Gioia              



The water-borne strength of Aquarius                        
Is known to be rather nefarious;                            
And all of the shes                                         
Will flitter like bees                                      
And say he's divinely vagarious.                            
                                                            
44281 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



Girls, beware the Aquarian man!                             
His pits need a good shot of Bann,                          
But far worse than this                                     
Is, the guy's full of piss,                                 
And spends half his life in the can.                        
                                                            
44282 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



And I once knew a sweet young Aquarius,                     
Though her virtue was somewhat precarious.                  
The first time I caught her,                                
She said, "Hold your water!"                                
But then screwed in ways sundry and various.                
                                                            
44283 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



A young lady born under Aries,                              
Consults the stars each time she marries.                   
Although she gets hope,                                     
From each horoscope,                                        
Her husbands turn out to be fairies.                        
                                                            
44284 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                              G2484



The astrologer studied and crammed.                         
He thought and he said, "I'll be damned!                    
I think that most fairies                                   
Are probably Aries,                                         
Because they so like to be rammed."                         
                                                            
44285 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The female adherents of Aries                               
Are really fed up with the hairies                          
When their ramification                                     
Is an insinuation                                           
To all who are not, at heart, fairies.                      
                                                            
44286 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



If Aries, you're on a rampage.                              
The reason that you're in a rage --                         
All puns you abhor.                                         
Repeating one more,                                         
If Aries, you're on a Ram page.                             
                                                            
44287 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Irving Superior     P8905



Born under the sign of the goat,                            
And when someone says, and I quote,                         
"When I check what you've brung,                            
You're really well hung,"                                   
That's Nanny, not Billy the goat!                           
                                                            
44288 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



I've thought of it not, but I am                            
Spring-born, so I'm Aries, the ram.                         
And as you all know,                                        
I do like to go                                             
In wellies to get me a lamb.                                
                                                            
44289 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Tiddy                    



If your sex life is basically dead,                         
I suggest take a Ram to your bed;                           
Just what would this do?                                    
I'll give you a clue --                                     
'Tis Aries rules over the head.                             
                                                            
44290 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



Once Aries the Ram, now Aries the Ewe.                      
And libbers will help pronouncing 'ewe' too,                
You first purse your lips                                   
Like sucking teat tips,                                     
Then while being goosed, enunciate "oo."                    
                                                            
44291 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Irving Superior     P8905



Those men who are born under Taurus                         
Are attracted to girls of the chorus.                       
They go on excursions                                       
In varied perversions --                                    
But forget it, the details would bore us.                   
                                                            
44292 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Isaac Asimov             



Astrologers look to the skies 'n'                           
Tell lies, so it isn't surprisin'                           
To find I was born                                          
(So they tell me) at dawn,                                  
With my penis in Venus arisin'.                             
                                                            
44293 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Peter Wilkins            



A Cancer born June twenty-third,                            
Just loved to eat quimmy and curd.                          
When measuring his dick,                                    
Had to use a yardstick,                                     
Though a meter stick would be preferred.                    
                                                            
44294 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Dudesdead                



I'm Cancer the crab, don't you know;                        
We find it quite hard to say no.                            
We're meant to be kind;                                     
Uncommon to find;                                           
So shy we can't manage "hello".                             
                                                            
44295 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jayne                    



Under my tough shell exterior,                              
Lies a warm heart that's truly superior.                    
Comfort and food                                            
Are the things that are good,                               
(And a man with a nice neat posterior.)                     
                                                            
44296 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jayne                    



We like to feel cherished and wanted,                       
Safe and secure and undaunted.                              
An unloved crustacean,                                      
Leads to swift aberration,                                  
And a sad soul that truly is haunted.                       
                                                            
44297 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jayne                    



What do you want, Mr. Cancer?                               
Do you want to get into my pants, sir?                      
First the Cancer gets grabby,                               
And then he gets crabby,                                    
So, when called by a Cancer, don't answer.                  
                                                            
44298 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



The Capricorn lover's a bore,                               
Despite goatish prowess galore;                             
When your passion's astew.                                  
And you ask for a screw,                                    
He'll take off for a cheap hardware store.                  
                                                            
44299 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



To Aries it seem Capricorny                                 
With billy-goats and their adorny                           
Of horns that are ground--                                  
Believed to be bound                                        
To provide many kids--yet unborny.                          
                                                            
44300 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hanesn   P9302



Astrology? I think it's crap.                               
(So what if I now cause a flap?)                            
Now if you can guess                                        
The chart I possess,                                        
I might just go shut up my yap.                             
                                                            
44301 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          H Whelchel               



I listen you boring old farts!                              
No one has paid for these charts.                           
It's simply for fun,                                        
So why do you shun?                                         
Would both of you rather play darts?                        
                                                            
44302 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jayne                    



My 'horrible scope' said today,                             
Go on out, Carol, and play.                                 
But the other one read,                                     
No, stay home in bed,                                       
I was born on that cusp in May.                             
                                                            
44303 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



I knew this odd little feller                               
Who lived in a dark damp cellar                             
Mushroom was his nickname,                                  
And he's not been the same,                                 
Since he visited a crank fortune teller                     
                                                            
44304 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



A Gemini born on June ten,                                  
Nineteen seven one was right then                           
Prophesied to                                               
Emit immense goo                                            
Into Carol again and again.                                 
                                                            
44305 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jon Gearhart             



And me, I'm the sign of the twins;                          
With Gemini, everyone wins.                                 
While part of me's sweet,                                   
Demure and discrete,                                        
The other part's thinking of sins.                          
                                                            
44306 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Carole                   



A Gemini born tenth of June --                              
For him all the lasses would swoon.                         
One day when he's older                                     
And grows somewhat bolder,                                  
He'll strip asses and shoot the moon.                       
                                                            
44307 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jon Gearhart             



A lady skin-diver, a Gemini,                                
Encountered a monstrous anemone.                            
Far under the sea,                                          
It seized her with glee,                                    
And ate up her 'pudenda feminae'.                           
                                                            
44308 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                              G2486



I admit I've at last given up.                              
No more will I Gemini Schtup!                               
Though he's virile as two,                                  
You can't get him to screw,                                 
Till you shut up the son of a pup!                          
                                                            
44309 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



On ten June a Gemini born                                   
Was destined to write lots of porn.                         
He'd write as he'd diddle                                   
His bit in the middle,                                      
Till Carol asked for his big horn.                          
                                                            
44310 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jon Gearhart             



Once she gave a taste of her feast,                         
And screamed like some savage lust-beast,                   
He'd no longer wank it                                      
Or yank it or spank it,                                     
Once after he'd sunk in her piece.                          
                                                            
44311 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jon Gearhart             



And I am a Gemini too;                                      
No wonder I am drawn to you.                                
We're two of a kind                                         
In body and mind,                                           
And always up for a good screw.                             
                                                            
44312 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Gearhart                 



Some men are true sons of the Gemini                        
When they feel like a go and a demi-spree,                  
And claim twin return                                       
Of the sperms that they burn,                               
If they corner the right kind of femini.                    
                                                            
44313 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



In the bar, a strange Gypsie tart's                         
Game is astrology charts;                                   
She'll cast you a Wheel,                                    
You'll feel her hot keel;                                   
Overnight, what a fright!, You'll have warts!               
                                                            
44314 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



She'll tell you with absolute certainty,                    
Your future, from now to eternity.                          
And one thing is true,                                      
Now she's got hold of you,                                  
You'll be faced with a suit for paternity.                  
                                                            
44315 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



The daily horoscope is a ruse;                              
To behave in that way is to lose.                           
I can act like a shrew,                                     
Or visit the zoo;                                           
It gives me a handy excuse.                                 
                                                            
44316 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Petunia                  



Said Mary, "I hate horror, gothic.                          
I'm looking ahead, borrow topic-                            
Al books about stars,                                       
In conjunction with Mars,                                   
That tell me by means horoscopic."                          
                                                            
44317 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Tiddy Ogg                



Rule One -- to write a horoscope,                           
Be sure that it's a "or/or scope".                          
Be most ambiguous.                                          
Be vague. Be minus/plus.                                    
Let readers with your "or/ors" cope.                        
                                                            
44318 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Irving Superior     P8905



I'm Scorpio by my sun sign.                                 
We're sensual, never benign.                                
Astrology's fun                                             
I've had my chart done -                                    
And me?  I believe every line!                              
                                                            
44319 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



If Leo your own birthday marks,                             
You'll have sex until forty, when starts,                   
A new pleasure in stamps,                                   
Boy Scouts, and their camps,                                
And fondling nude statues in parks.                         
                                                            
44320 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



A cowboy, by birthright a Leo,                              
Once met a young lady from Rio.                             
A full night and a day,                                     
The spent in the hay,                                       
And now the poor cowboy can't pee-o.                        
                                                            
44321 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                        G2488 G1928



O Leo! Thou lover divine!                                   
How I wish you could be mine, all mine!                     
After acres of quiff,                                       
Leo's prick is still stiff --                               
If he says he's been faithful, he's ly'n...                 
                                                            
44322 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



It's Leo the Lion for me;                                   
A star sign as kind as can be.                              
Generous, warm-hearted,                                     
But hates being out-smarted.                                
This cat likes being top of the tree!                       
                                                            
44323 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Joie de Vivre            



A sign that is ruled by the sun,                            
Hot-blooded and hell-bent on fun!                           
With friends, I endeavour                                   
To stay so forever:                                         
I'm shy and not easily won.                                 
                                                            
44324 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Joie de Vivre            



But once a friend, always a friend.                         
And unwritten rule that won't bend.                         
But if you hurt my pride                                    
Then quick...better hide,                                   
Lest the ensuing roar does offend.                          
                                                            
44325 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Joie de Vivre            



Well, I am a Leo, sublime,                                  
And into my bed men do climb.                               
They never leave cryin',                                    
'Cause honey this Lion                                      
Knows just how to ring a man's chime!                       
                                                            
44326 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jeanie                   



Believers in hot-blooded Leo                                
Will claim that they never are free o'                      
Any male ego's nerve                                        
Which is stirred by a curve                                 
As happened when Caesar met Cleo.                           
                                                            
44327 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



There once was a fool named Winnacle,                       
Whose ignorance reached a new pinnacle.                     
"I don't believe in Astrology,                              
That's my ideology,                                         
But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical."                       
                                                            
44328 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Scott Hendricks          



A girl, strictly trained by the Libra,                      
With a skin that befitted a zebra,                          
Could still turn the scales                                 
In the eyes of the males                                    
With a semi-transparent type she-bra.                       
                                                            
44329 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



An astrologer chanced to detain us                          
And with questions continued to pain us.                    
He started to work,                                         
Then said, with a smirk,                                    
"And now I must look up Uranus."                            
                                                            
44330 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Donald Dimock            



Remember how first lady Nancy,                              
Who wore gowns never plain, always fancy,                   
Shaped her designs                                          
By zodiac signs,                                            
Making policy decisions less chancy.                        
                                                            
44331 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Paul Niquette            



The watery eyes of the Pisces                               
Will follow the falls and the rises                         
Of you will know what                                       
That dampens the butt                                       
And comes fishy if he so advises.                           
(4th line was missing - McW)                                
44332 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



A lesbian born under Pisces,                                
Has dildoes of several sizes.                               
The one with the warts                                      
Squirts several quarts,                                     
And gives all her girl friends surprises.                   
                                                            
44333 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                              G2483



I'm not superstitious, but then...                          
I believe what ast ologers pen:                             
Horoscopes full of dreams                                   
And romantical schemes,                                     
Make us Pisces the worst businessmen!                       
                                                            
44334 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Friar                    



On her fortieth birthday, a Pisces                          
Was having a small mid-life crises.                         
So to temper her grief,                                     
Overturned a new leaf,                                      
And discovered a fresh set of vices.                        
                                                            
44335 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Jim Weaver Collection    



Her sign (astrological) Pisces;                             
Her life: a succession of crises,                           
Like tubal ligations                                        
And AIDS from some Haitians,                                
And getting enceinte on the high seas.                      
                                                            
44336 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Armand E Singer       770



A frustrating lover's the Pisces --                         
Sometimes nasty, and sometimes quite nice, he's             
A hard fish to catch,                                       
Tends to smell like your snatch --                          
He's got good points, but they're not what I sees!          
                                                            
44337 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



For me, 'twas a sweet Sagittarius,                          
Who was rumored a maiden gregarious.                        
I suggested we parley                                       
But she chambered with Charley,                             
And my future delights were vicarious.                      
                                                            
44338 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Gearhart                 



The men of the sign Sagittarius,                            
Have customs obscene and barbarious.                        
They sow their wild oats                                    
With girls, boys, and goats,                                
In postures ingenious and various.                          
                                                            
44339 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                              G2480



Most women love old Sagittarius:                            
They find it can be quite hilarious                         
If Cupid's best arrow                                       
Digs into the marrow,                                       
And makes them feel they are coitrarious.                   
                                                            
44340 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



"Well-a-day!" I must sigh with remorse,                     
"Our affair has at last run its course,                     
Farewell, Sagittarius,                                      
You fairy nefarious!"                                       
(What a shame - he was hung like a horse...)                
                                                            
44341 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



There once was a Scorpio male                               
Who was very proud of his tail.                             
But she got out her Singer,                                 
And cut off his stinger;                                    
Now he does nothing but wail                                
                                                            
44342 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Karen                    



A tough devotee of the Scorpio                              
Once spotting the queen of the thorpio                      
Soon had to admit                                           
That he sure wasn't fit                                     
To cope with her needs all galorpio.                        
                                                            
44343 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



Here's the Scorpio -- sexiest sign --                       
Do I dare brave your tail with its spine?                   
Lovecraftian monster!                                       
You know what I wants ta'--                                 
How's about it babe? Your place or mine?                    
                                                            
44344 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



We Scorpio ladies are cool.                                 
We'll play any man for a fool,                              
Except maybe Peter                                          
Who measures a meter                                        
And masterfully uses his tool.                              
                                                            
44345 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Marlene Lewis            



Okay; so Astrology's rot;                                   
But I like to believe I have got                            
A few traits I have read                                    
'Bout my star-sign in bed;                                  
I'm a Scorpio male and I'm hot.                             
                                                            
44346 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Peter Wilkins            



Lovely Libra, Venusian jive,                                
Makes my love-meter plummet and dive;                       
What boredom entails                                        
Making time with the Scales,                                
The one sign that isn't alive.                              
                                                            
44347 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



If "whororscope" is blasphemy                               
And if we add "asstrology,"                                 
Will readers, day by day,                                   
Rise up in wrath and say,                                   
"Zodiabolical are we?"                                      
                                                            
44348 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Irving Superior     P8905



With moon in the cusp of Aquarius,                          
A timid yet bold Sagittarius                                
Dared to marry a Pisces;                                    
That's calm mixed with crises,                              
And outcomes specifically various.                          
                                                            
44349 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Paul Niquette            



A man of natal sign Taurus,                                 
Joined up with a folk-singing chorus,                       
But he didn't last long,                                    
For in every song,                                          
He croaked like an old brontosaurus.                        
                                                            
44350 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                              G2485



Once Taurus the Bull, now Taurus the Cow.                   
No Man-goring horns, just teats hanging now.                
We men should rebel.                                        
Together let's yell --                                      
"HOW NOW BROWN BULL"... then get even somehow.              
                                                            
44351 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Irving Superior     P8905



Does astrology work as they say?                            
I've been trine to decide that all day.                     
Houses lim look so far?                                     
Doesn't look like a star,                                   
And I sure didn't planet that way                           
                                                            
44352 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                                   



A girl who was born under Virgo                             
Denied that the stars could make her go.                    
Again and again                                             
She proved this with men,                                   
Till the friction made all of her fur go.                   
                                                            
44353 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY                              G2489



A most curious guy is the Virgo,                            
And though lots of his questions are queer, go              
And find yourself one,                                      
'Cause this question is fun:                                
"Where the heck does this doojigger her go?"                
                                                            
44354 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Robin K. Willoughby P8905



A freezing descendant of Virgo                              
Would call it a rank force majeure o'                       
A dangerous type;                                           
Once when she turned ripe,                                  
To let all but her natural fur go.                          
                                                            
44355 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



A man met a sweet Virgo lass,                               
That gave just a peak at her ass.                           
'Twas smooth as a peach                                     
But kept out of reach                                       
Of his mast; that chaste lass said, "I'll pass."            
                                                            
44356 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Gearhart                 



But then after endless months courtin',                     
He managed to slip her his horton.                          
She humped like a beast,                                    
Then she called on the Priest                               
Screaming, "Now I've some sins for reportin'!"              
                                                            
44357 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Gearhart                 



The Priest listened as she regailed                         
The tale of her tail being nailed.                          
As she finished, he sighed                                  
In the next room, with pride;                               
"It was great for me, too!" the Priest wailed!              
                                                            
44358 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Gearhart                 



I obsess, am depressed, and I pine                          
And resent that the world isn't mine.                       
By the fates I was struck                                   
With pervasive bad luck                                     
And the wrong astrological sign.                            
                                                            
44359 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9405



The earthbound should stick to the Snowdiac--               
Much warmer than spheres of the Zodiac,                     
And under control,                                          
The heavenly scroll                                         
Is a saga of action, demoniac.                              
                                                            
44360 MYTHOLOGY - ASTROLOGY          Bill Backe-Hansen   P9302



Now Lola, it's been quite a while,                          
Since we opened up Ogg's history file.                      
But now as a treat,                                         
While you nibble my meat,                                   
I'll tell 'bout the source of the Nile.                     
                                                            
44361 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



Osirus, the god, had a bone,                                
From sex chats he'd had on the phone.                       
And thought: "None's as nice as                             
My young sister Isis;                                       
There's nothing beats rolling your own.                     
                                                            
44362 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



But Isis said, "Ozzy, your phallus!                         
I really don't want to be callous,                          
It's too big for me.                                        
You surely can see                                          
It stretches three times 'round the palace."                
                                                            
44363 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



"So brother, to ease your frustration,                      
(I've not got a taste for fellation.)                       
And ease your confusion,                                    
The only solution,                                          
Is, Ozzy, to try masturbation."                             
                                                            
44364 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



So teams of one hundred and ten,                            
Young ladies and pretty young men,                          
Grabbed hold of his cock,                                   
And started to rock                                         
Back and forth, for an age, until when...                   
                                                            
44365 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



Erupted a stream, nay, a flood,                             
That turned arid sand into mud.                             
On Egypt's wide plains,                                     
Where rarely, it rains,                                     
All gushing from Ozzy's great pud.                          
                                                            
44366 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



The Nile, thus created, my dear,                            
And lo, it floods twice every year.                         
(Thus reads the papyrus,)                                   
It's down to Osirus                                         
'S biannual wank, that is clear.                            
                                                            
44367 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



I've told you how Os made the Nile,                         
With ejaculate, squirted with style.                        
Then with sister/wife,                                      
The love of his life,                                       
Ruled Egypt, at least for a while.                          
                                                            
44368 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



But brother Set, jealous fella,                             
Was luking around in the cellar,                            
With woodworking tools,                                     
Planes, chisels, steel rules,                               
And a copy of Grimm's Cinderella.                           
                                                            
44369 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



Which gave inspiration, and trees                           
Were felled and carved up for his wheeze                    
To build him a thing,                                       
That fitted the king                                        
Like a glove, and would be sure to please.                  
                                                            
44370 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



A coffin it was, finely wrought;                            
Far better than one you'd have bought,                      
From any mortician,                                         
On doubled commission,                                      
And once more of Cinders gave thought.                      
                                                            
44371 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



He reckoned he'd hold a grand ball;                         
The gentry to come, one and all.                            
And while they all rock                                     
And samba, this box                                         
I'll unveil, and issue the call.                            
                                                            
44372 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



"Come now, every gal, every guy,                            
Come give this fine casket a try;                           
And if the thing fits,                                      
You'll be thrilled to bits,                                 
It's yours, free, no word of a lie.                         
                                                            
44373 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



So all of them try as he bid,                               
But you all know which one that it did                      
Fit snug as a bug                                           
In a rug, so the mug                                        
Got caught when Set slammed down the lid.                   
                                                            
44374 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



He carted it down to the stream,                            
(Created by Ozzy's own cream,)                              
And let the box go                                          
With the flow.  Cries of woe                                
Were heard from sis Isis, the queen.                        
                                                            
44375 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



Thus Set set to rule there, instead.                        
He too, taking Isis to bed.                                 
But Set was no prize,                                       
After Ozzy's great size,                                    
So out from the palace she'd tread.                         
                                                            
44376 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



She searched down the long Nile's edge,                     
And pledged that she'd dredge every ledge,                  
And yes, sure enough,                                       
Thoug the labour was rough,                                 
The casket she found midst the sedge.                       
                                                            
44377 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



She drags it home; by it she sits.                          
Set finds her, yells: "Bitch, you're the pits!"             
And while she just gawps,                                   
He grabs Ozzy's corpse,                                     
And thereupon tears it to bits.                             
                                                            
44378 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



Once more in the Nile's murky flow,                         
In pieces now, Ozzy must go.                                
But Isis with nets                                          
Goes fishing and gets                                       
Most all of him back, but there's no...                     
                                                            
44379 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



...Genitalia.  YOu may think that's rummy.                  
But a gull flock has filled up its tummy.                   
But the rest all fits right,                                
And he's bandaged up tight,                                 
'Cause Isis has made the first mummy.                       
                                                            
44380 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



You think, folks, this stuff is baloney,                    
That all I have spouted is phoney.                          
But it's all on the net.                                    
You'll find it, I bet,                                      
And the writer is not an Ogg crony.                         
                                                            
44381 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



There's a lady they all call the Sphinx                     
Who opines with a couple of drinks.                         
She rambles and rants                                       
Of Nietzsches and Kants;                                    
Only Montesquieu's quite sure what she thinks.              
                                                            
44382 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Anon                     



A lady they all call The Sphinx                             
Posed a puzzle to a couple of shrinks.                      
They waxed analytic                                         
And waned sybaritic,                                        
But were stumped in the end by the minx.                    
                                                            
44383 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Anon                     



In the desert the camel, methinks,                          
After sipping some alcohol drinks,                          
Gave the Sphinx a few jumps,                                
Which produced the two humps                                
And a smile on the face of the Sphinx.                      
                                                            
44384 MYTHOLOGY - EGYPTIAN           Albin Chaplin       P0212



In day of old when knights were bold                        
They did not live to very old.                              
The armor they were in,                                     
But when the cramps begin,                                  
They'd armor doff and catch cold.                           
                                                            
44385 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Irving Superior     P9811



A knight who had terrible luck                              
Had a really great chance for a fuck.                       
But he didn't get screwed,                                  
For he couldn't get nude,                                   
'Cause the straps on his armor were stuck.                  
                                                            
44386 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Cap'n Bean          P9811



Many knights from no matter the Shire,                      
To win riches and fame did aspire.                          
But sheer weight of trappings                               
And clumsy steel wrappings,                                 
Motivated some just to retire.                              
                                                            
44387 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



In armor, a knight known as Howard,                         
Felt bravely and broadly empowered,                         
But the outlook for females                                 
Held quite different details:                               
Unlike knighthood, they soon were deflowered.               
                                                            
44388 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Norm Storer         P9811



A comely young maiden of yore,                              
Loved to roll with the knights on the floor.                
Quoth the randy young charmer,                              
"Please sirs, doff your armor!                              
It makes my poor thingies quite sore!"                      
                                                            
44389 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            H                        



There was a plump knight named Sir Keith,                   
Who removed his sword from its sheath.                      
He fought for his honor,                                    
But soon was a goner,                                       
And the dragon stood picking his teeth.                     
                                                            
44390 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Steven Han               



The union of knights once prevailing                        
Had members who spent their time bailing                    
Out maids in distress                                       
For a torrid caress,                                        
While others preferred Holy Grailing.                       
                                                            
44391 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            A. N. Wilkins       P8608



At a feast in a valley in France,                           
A drunken young knight did a dance.                         
But he died in the dell,                                    
When he stumbled and fell,                                  
And impaled of himself, on his lance.                       
                                                            
44392 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Cap'n Bean          P9811



There was a young knight named Sir Power.                   
The princess he saved in the tower.                         
After jousting the dragon,                                  
His rear end was flaggin',                                  
So he spent the whole day in the shower.                    
                                                            
44393 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Albin Chaplin            



The unwashed scruffy squire, Maxwell Wrath,                 
When he'd earned his spurs on Knighthood's path,            
Said, "Please, as a starter,                                
Make my Order Garter.                                       
Anything but a Knight of the Bath.                          
                                                            
44394 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH                                P9811



A knight spent his day on a horse.                          
But he had the night off, of course.                        
What he then was on,                                        
From dusk until dawn,                                       
You might find disgusting and coarse.                       
                                                            
44395 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Larry Davis         P8712



Brave knights gathered from hither and yon                  
For a Workshop from which they did spawn.                   
Strategies they'd reveal                                    
To make guys in steel feel                                  
Self-assured when they'd visit the "John."                  
                                                            
44396 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH                                P9811



Long ago the brave knights lamented,                        
When by wimples and dimples tormented,                      
They were forced by the King                                
To swill mead and sing,                                     
While their squires, the ladies upended.                    
                                                            
44397 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Arthur Deex         P9603



The minstrels of medieval days                              
Wooed maidens with songs of sweet praise,                   
In hopes of a chance                                        
To get in their pants;                                      
No wonder they called their songs lays.                     
                                                            
44398 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Norm Storer              



Way back in the old days of yore                            
To get through the front castle door,                       
The moat you must cross.                                    
The drawbridge was boss                                     
And it's yellow fingers dripped gore.                       
                                                            
44399 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



The King really needed a hero.                              
All his toughest guys batted zero.                          
The drawbridge was cruel.                                   
Made all look the fool,                                     
And mangled 'em up like a gyro.                             
                                                            
44400 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



No knight of the realm could e'er pass.                     
The bridge threw him right on his ass,                      
Then ripped him apart.                                      
Poor noble upstart!                                         
Those fingers did not respect class!                        
                                                            
44401 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



When Churchman tried crossing the moat,                     
The fingers grabbed him by the throat,                      
Then pulled off his head                                    
And left him for dead.                                      
(Served him right, the nasty old goat.)                     
                                                            
44402 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



Some Lady then made the mistake;                            
Thought the bridge would give her a break.                  
It broke her right arm,                                     
Her knees it did harm,                                      
And then threw her right in the lake                        
                                                            
44403 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



Let your pages do the walking                               
Through the yellow fingers, Sir King!                       
So now I am done                                            
With this dumb old pun,                                     
And that's quite enough of this thing!                      
                                                            
44404 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



The mystical kingdom was jeweled;                           
Its indigo waterways pooled;                                
The spirits provided,                                       
The wizard presided,                                        
The jester was easily fooled.                               
                                                            
44405 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Cap'n Bean          P0209



Please reflect on the Mounted Knight's Plight,              
Although some may consider it trite.                        
Guys whose sword arms were left,                            
Were of lane choice, bereft,                                
And were forced to stay left.  Was that right?              
                                                            
44406 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



The whole Round Table had a good chuckle                    
When Sir Modred remarked, "Not to truckle,                  
But in truth, I must state                                  
That especially of late                                     
I can't seem to make my swash buckle!"                      
                                                            
44407 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            A. N. Wilkins       P9302



Parsifal, if I'm not wrong,                                 
Remembered by Wagner in song,                               
He wards off temptation,                                    
And wandering stagnation,                                   
Becoming Grail Keeper, ere long.                            
                                                            
44408 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Chris Papa               



Oh what's all this wailing, armed Knight?                   
Loitering paley's not right!                                
Fuck the sedge and the lake,                                
And that mute bird forsake;                                 
Just tell me about your sad plight.                         
                                                            
44409 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Jim Weaver Collection    



Prince Charming on his great white steed:                   
He rescues fair maidens in need.                            
Does not stick with one,                                    
Just gets the job done,                                     
And goes off to his next brave deed.                        
                                                            
44410 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.                    
I've come to rescue you, maiden so fair!"                   
Prince C. I confess,                                        
I'm not in distress;                                        
When I leave, I will take the stair.                        
                                                            
44411 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



Prince Charming then kissed Sleeping Beauty.                
He thought it was heroic duty.                              
When Beauty awoke,                                          
Prince she tried to choke,                                  
"I'm trying to sleep, jerk! Don't bug me!"                  
                                                            
44412 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



Prince C. then came across Rose Red                         
Who just whomped him upside the head.                       
"I've heard about you;                                      
I know what you do!                                         
So, leave me alone you fathead!"                            
                                                            
44413 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



"Cinderella," said poor Prince C.                           
"Won't you please at least dance with me?                   
You're just going to leave                                  
To one you can't cleave;                                    
Believe I will ignore your plea."                           
                                                            
44414 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



Prince C. has retired his horse;                            
Stopped rescuing women, of course.                          
He sits on the shelf                                        
Just all by himself.                                        
Prince C. views his past with remorse.                      
                                                            
44415 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            Marlene                  



The Irish believe this I'm told:                            
That there really is the pot of gold.                       
It's full to the top,                                       
And your eyes will pop                                      
When it's yours to have and to hold.                        
                                                            
44416 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            H Bomb                   



I'm not Irish (or so I've been told)                        
But I do dream of that pot of gold.                         
But my hopes were forlorn.                                  
When I wake in the morn,                                    
It's hardly cold metal I hold.                              
                                                            
44417 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            John                     



I'm part Irish, but mostly German.                          
From your ditty I can determine,                            
When you awake                                              
And your hand should shake,                                 
What you really need is a wormin'!                          
                                                            
44418 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH            H Bomb                   



"Knights" are quite silly, you know                         
And they go with above and below;                           
Their stories are told                                      
By the fire when it's cold                                  
And things are abysmally slow.                              
                                                            
44419 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH                                     



King Arthur was moved to inquire                            
Of Sir Modred, "Do you never tire                           
Or lose this strong craving                                 
For wild misbehaving?"                                      
The knight answered, "In what manor, sire?"                 
                                                            
44420 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   The Lenore OverturesP9809



For those who avoided part 1:                               
Young Arthur is out having fun;                             
Meets a tart in a lake,                                     
Who tells him he'll make                                    
It big, from the size of his gun.                           
                                                            
44421 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



He'll reach an exalted position,                            
With the help of a failed stage magician.                   
There'll be crumpet galore,                                 
With whom he will score,                                    
And it seems it will come to fruition.                      
                                                            
44422 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



They rampaged around their fair land,                       
Art with pork sword in his hand;                            
Slaying all knaves and varlets,                             
Screwing virgins and harlots;                               
Merlin making full use of his wand.                         
                                                            
44423 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



"Go North," cries Art, "Find a new trail!"                  
So they all hop aboard Virgin Rail.                         
But of course the train's crap,                             
And a coupling does snap,                                   
And they're dumped in the suburb of Sale.                   
                                                            
44424 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Now why, in this wierd pantomime,                           
Pick Sale for the scene of the crime?                       
OK, I'll explain:                                           
Blame Branson's crap train,                                 
And the desperate search for a rhyme.                       
                                                            
44425 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



On foot then go Art and his men.                            
At Shrewsbury they meet this wench, Gwen.                   
Art whimpers and drools                                     
As she licks at his tool,                                   
"More, baby, go do that again."                             
                                                            
44426 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Now here, I think, credit is due.                           
I've managed so far to eschew,                              
Those Bugs Bunny quips,                                     
'Bout Sir Loin and Sir Kit,                                 
Sir Pent and the waiter, Sir Vue.                           
                                                            
44427 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



In Gwen's lovenest Art is embroiled,                        
And he brings her back to Camel, broiled.                   
And so with that whore                                      
For a fortnight or more,                                    
In the arms of each other, they're coiled.                  
                                                            
44428 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Disaster will come now, ere long;                           
Art finds he's got pains in his schlong.                    
Merlin's looked, sniffed and coughed,                       
"It's that Chinese you boffed;                              
Your majesty's got Hong Kong dong."                         
                                                            
44429 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Now Merl's diagnosis, I fear                                
Was wrong, it was our Guinevere,                            
Who'd been sleeping around                                  
With the sailors in town,                                   
And given our Art gonorrhea.                                
                                                            
44430 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



So Merlin now gave him the chop;                            
Sliced off Arthur's most vital prop.                        
And Art cannot look                                         
As Merl goes to the brook,                                  
Preparing therein it to drop.                               
                                                            
44431 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



And now with a piteous wail,                                
Comes the creature that started our tale.                   
That lorelei shakes                                         
Off the slime from the lakes;                               
Much older, and horribly frail.                             
                                                            
44432 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



"OK," says old Merl, "You're the boss." Her                 
Reply is "Gee, thanks, you old tosser."                     
She grabs that fine prize,                                  
Stuffs it up 'tween her thighs,                             
And sinks 'neath the waves. That's no loss-er.              
                                                            
44433 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



So those legends about old King Art,                        
Are lies, and not worth a fart.                             
'Cause old Ogg was there,                                   
When he still had some hair,                                
And this story came right from the heart.                   
                                                            
44434 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Though I've ached from the lances which smite us,           
And from thrusts for the swordsmen who fight us,            
It was not grueling pain                                    
Of this middle-aged bane,                                   
Which Merlin has named Arthuritis.                          
                                                            
44435 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   A N Wilkins         P9811



Queen Guinevere, Arthur's young bride,                      
Was not always close to his side.                           
But he held in disgust                                      
Sir Lancelot's lust,                                        
For her chastity belt was too wide.                         
                                                            
44436 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Norm Storer         P9811



Said King Arthur while starting to gloat,                   
"Go and confiscate Lancelot's boat."                        
Lance screamed, "In this morass.                            
Crocks are after my ass,                                    
All because Gwen said, 'Please clean the moat.'"            
                                                            
44437 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



Pursuer of Grail, Galahad,                                  
A bright, energetic young lad,                              
On trips far away,                                          
Some dragon he'd slay,                                      
If there was a cup to be had.                               
                                                            
44438 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Chris Papa               



To his bride said young Galahad, "Kiddo,                    
Lets screw in each room, beach, and meadow,                 
Every day, every night,                                     
In the dark, in the light."                                 
They tried it, and now she's a widow.                       
                                                            
44439 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Isaac Asimov             



There once was a knight named Gawain,                       
Who chopped the Green Kinght's neck in vain.                
He failed Nature's test,                                    
Wore a scarf through the rest,                              
And escaped with a nick and some pain.                      
                                                            
44440 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Kacey                    



Dear countrymen, lend me your ear,                          
As I tell you of sweet Guenevere.                           
Though she pulls tight her bodice,                          
And her boobs look quite modest,                            
What sticks out is her well-rounded rear.                   
                                                            
44441 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Bob Birch           P9811



King Arthur made a round table;                             
Democracy would enable.                                     
At table no head,                                           
Knights equal, he said,                                     
Though king is somewhat more able.                          
                                                            
44442 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   L. Falk                  



I wonder how King Arthur felt,                              
When one day Queen Guinevere knelt,                         
Saying, "Tell me, my pet                                    
How did Lancelot get                                        
The key to my chastity belt?"                               
                                                            
44443 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Moss Rich                



Despite story Malory affords,                               
Arthur's roused ire was not of words.                       
Whether skulduggery                                         
Or backroom buggery,                                        
Those who screw King get their joust rewards.               
                                                            
44444 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Daniel Ford              



Guinevere's tryst with Lancelot,                            
Left poor youngster with her besot.                         
Through Spring-Summer faires,                               
No truck with his freres,                                   
Till Arthur called Joust Camelot.                           
                                                            
44445 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Daniel Ford              



The King's wife was still very hot,                         
For the body of Lancelot,                                   
And that caused conflict,                                   
Which King's ego nicked,                                    
"That wife of mine can up and rot."                         
                                                            
44446 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   L. Falk                  



One day in old King Arthur's court,                         
A knight cried, "My prick has a wart!"                      
The king said, "To save it,                                 
With my sword I'll shave it!"                               
"Fuck you!" was the knight's quick retort.                  
                                                            
44447 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Maria Radcliffe          



When Sir Lancelot rose to unlimber,                         
He exposed quite a lot of his member.                       
Later Queen Guinivere                                       
Mused where no one could hear:                              
"Now that was a knight to remember."                        
                                                            
44448 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Pierce Evans             



The knights of Arthur quickly found                         
When round the table they were bound,                       
That the corner they                                        
Would bang, clang away;                                     
And that's why the table is round.                          
                                                            
44449 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Irving Superior     P9811



Lancelot with Guinevere was bad,                            
The result of which, extremely sad.                         
Arthur banished not,                                        
Rather Gwin was hot;                                        
Lance said, "Reminds of a Gal-a-had."                       
                                                            
44450 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Daniel Ford              



The kinkiest knight was Sir Lancelot.                       
He couldn't indulge in romance a lot;                       
A mere kiss from his charmer                                
Would rust up his armor                                     
Since he tended to come in his pants a lot.                 
                                                            
44451 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Robin K. Willoughby P8710



There once was a great knight named Lancelot,               
Who placed Queen Guinevere in a trance a lot.               
But what bothered the King,                                 
Was he managed the thing,                                   
By serenely removing his pants a lot.                       
                                                            
44452 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Isaac Asimov             



"Making love is," Sir Lancelot swore,                       
"While in armour a terrible bore.                           
Taking off all that plate                                   
Causes such a long wait                                     
That she's not in the mood any more."                       
                                                            
44453 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   A. N. Wilkins       P8406



Sir Lancelot, never a coward,                               
Every maiden in Camelot scoured.                            
He even went farther                                        
With Gwennie that Arthur.                                   
That's when knighthood was truly deflowered.                
                                                            
44454 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR                            



A brave and bold knight know as Lancelot,                   
With Guinivere thought he might chance a lot.               
So as not to alarm her,                                     
He took off his armor,                                      
But that caused his lance to advance a lot.                 
                                                            
44455 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Pierce Evans             



Cried the love-hungry Queen to Sir Lancelot,                
"I adore that you're into my pancelot!                      
But the king has some spies                                 
Who have very sharp eyes,                                   
So I fear that we're taking a chancelot!"                   
                                                            
44456 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Sex To Sixty Treas  P9804



There once was a knight yclept Lancelot,                    
Who loved to squeeze broads and to dance a lot.             
Whether round-heeled or frail,                              
He'd say, "Hell with the Grail,                             
You give me the hots in my pants a lot!"                    
                                                            
44457 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Armand E Singer        80



The King had a Queen, hardly missed her                     
When Lancelot took her and kissed her,                      
But he was undone                                           
By a nephew-cum-son.                                        
Moral: Don't go to bed with your sister.                    
                                                            
44458 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Laurence Perrine    P8409



A maiden in days long forgot                                
Told her knight, "You sure hit the spot.                    
I'd as soon have a farmer                                   
'Cause I'm not fond of armor.                               
But I do like your lance a lot"                             
                                                            
44459 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Greg Schindler      P8812



Spake King Arthur, "You'd never assume                      
All this male bonding stuff makes me fume.                  
And the Knights don't suspect                               
When from them I defect                                     
To eat Chinese alone in my room."                           
                                                            
44460 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



There once was a place south of Camelot,                    
Where knight after knight they would ram a lot.             
The fair maidens were willing,                              
And charged but a shilling,                                 
In the merry old township of Cram-a-lot.                    
                                                            
44461 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Bob Birch           P9811



Seems old Merlin the mightly magician,                      
Met a maid in a courtly position.                           
In a medieval castle,                                       
On a table they'd wrestle,                                  
And engaage in some nightly coition.                        
                                                            
44462 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Bob Birch           P9811



King Arthur has old Merlin sought;                          
The magician foresees why he's brought;                     
"I know all you desire;                                     
I will assist, sire;                                        
I've given the matter great thought."                       
                                                            
44463 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Joel D Ash               



The King smiles with amazed delight;                        
The prince is five in a fortnight.                          
A nice magic show;                                          
A half hour or so,                                          
But no tricks that will cause the kids fright.              
                                                            
44464 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Joel D Ash               



Merlin frowns and is slightly insulted,                     
"Last year you were fully consulted.                        
A minor mistake,                                            
That kid in the lake --                                     
A bit small to be catapulted."                              
                                                            
44465 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Joel D Ash               



The King nods and speaks very sweetly,                      
"His mother forgave you completely.                         
Just take more care;                                        
A big crowd will be there.                                  
It's important the show comes off neatly."                  
                                                            
44466 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Joel D Ash               



Merlin smiles and describes his new trick,                  
"This trick is the best I could pick.                       
A dragon appears.                                           
Smoke pours from his ears.                                  
His breath lights a large candlestick."                     
                                                            
44467 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Joel D Ash               



The king is unsure when he's done;                          
Fire dragons are something to shun;                         
"There must be no hassle.                                   
Don't burn down the castle.                                 
No guests set on fire for fun!"                             
                                                            
44468 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Joel D Ash               



Said Sir Modred, "I prithee, don't chuckle,                 
For, Sir Gawain, I don't mean to truckle                    
When I ask your advice                                      
On a matter that's nice,                                    
But I can't seem to make my swash buckle."                  
                                                            
44469 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   A. N. Wilkins       P8406



Said coy Gwen to young Sir Lancelot,                        
"For your body I'm feeling quite hot."                      
But it seemed to alarm her,                                 
When he stripped off his armor,                             
And displayed much more lance that he ought.                
                                                            
44470 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Bob Birch           P9811



King Arthur's court's neath Norman siege --                 
None rushed out to shield royal liege.                      
They were having great fun,                                 
Left their duties undone;                                   
Forgot moral writ, noblesse oblige.                         
                                                            
44471 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



Particularly useless, the knight,                           
His loving he never got right                               
When he pulled out of the queen,                            
She made such a scene;                                      
Hid his armor and tights out of spite                       
                                                            
44472 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



The archer, to find would be hard;                          
He's nowhere on the parapets or yard.                       
If they'd used hunting hound,                               
Perhaps he'd be found                                       
Face down neath the captain d'guard                         
                                                            
44473 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



In the chapel the pious old count                           
Poured champagne in the baptismal fount                     
After three or four glasses                                 
And fondling their asses                                    
Had the Abbess and her nuns to mount                        
                                                            
44474 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



A couple of wine and beer stewards                          
In a practice as old as the Druids                          
Were up on the roof                                         
Discreetly aloof                                            
Exchanging their bodily fluids                              
                                                            
44475 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



The food taster's work was delayed                          
To the food no attention was paid                           
He left it untested                                         
On the platter it rested -                                  
He was eating the scullery maid                             
                                                            
44476 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



The dining room page was quite able                         
At laying a sumptuous table                                 
But he left it quite bare                                   
With nary a care                                            
While laying the parlor maid, Mabel                         
                                                            
44477 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



The watchman found his job a bore                           
And consorted that night and with a whore                   
'Tis so sad to tell                                         
That the castle fell                                        
'Cause no one was watching the store.                       
                                                            
44478 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



"A dilemma," said Sir Lancelot,                             
"Should I service King Arthur or not?                       
If she ever found out                                       
That I buggered that lout,                                  
The fair queen would deny me her cot."                      
                                                            
44479 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   William N Nesbit    P9811



Sir Gala had a gal -- a frail,                              
But loving caring warm female,                              
Who would, to help romance,                                 
Reach inside of his pants,                                  
To help him find the Holy Grail.                            
                                                            
44480 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Irving Superior     P9811



Gwenivere said, "Arthur, you prance a lot                   
With you hands in the front of your pants a lot,            
And the knights 'round your table                           
Claim your manhood's a fable,                               
So Lance and I plan to romance a lot."                      
                                                            
44481 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Bob Giandomenico    P9211



The Table Round -- at home they'd feel.                     
The Table Round -- where they'd reveal                      
The dragons they'd slain,                                   
The virgins that remain,                                    
And at the Table, a square meal.                            
                                                            
44482 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Irving Superior     P9811



As a young man King Arthur was crowned,                     
And brave knights he eventually found.                      
Each had equal status                                       
And a seat that was gratis,                                 
And they met at a table that's round.                       
                                                            
44483 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Bob Birch           P9811



Young Arthur was just walking along,                        
Idly fingering his dong,                                    
When a voice says, "Hey Ducky,                              
On this day you're lucky,"                                  
And he sees this strange bird in the pond.                  
                                                            
44484 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



The bird sees his eighteen inch cock,                       
And thereupon ceases to mock.                               
"That tool of yours grew                                    
And would split me in two.                                  
Go off there and fuck that old rock."                       
                                                            
44485 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Of course the old witch was insane,                         
But Artie had great lack of brain.                          
So he runs to the stone,                                    
And buries his bone,                                        
And did not even notice the pain.                           
                                                            
44486 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Already, we're up to verse four,                            
And I've barely opened the door,                            
On this ludicrous saga.                                     
I'll get me a lager,                                        
Before I attempt any more.                                  
                                                            
44487 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



So the bitch in the pool gives a shout.                     
"You pillock!  Now pull the thing out!"                     
So he pulled from the boulder,                              
His choat; "Right," he told her.                            
"Now tell me what's this is about."                         
                                                            
44488 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



"It means, punk, that you may go far.                       
There's a bull in the field over thar.                      
Slap him with your plonker;                                 
If him you can conquer,                                     
We'll call your dick Ox-killer-bar!"                        
                                                            
44489 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Well that's the first pun that's out of the way.            
There'll be many more, I dare say.                          
But folks, you'll need stamina;                             
You'll be grandad and grandima,                             
'Fore I'm finished, with hair turning grey.                 
                                                            
44490 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



"Now go to Iran or Iraq.                                    
Can't find it?  Well look at the faq.                       
Out there in the East,                                      
Find a humpy-backed beast,"                                 
Says the harlot, "and bring the thing back."                
                                                            
44491 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



("We know what comes next," Erm has sighed.)                
Says the crone, "On your horse you must ride;               
Bring that beastie back here,                               
Then his flesh you must sear,                               
Then the place may be called Camelfried."                   
                                                            
44492 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



But of course, as you know, he forgot,                      
And he boiled that thing in a pot.                          
This he served to his mates,                                
While they drank booze from crates,                         
And named the locale, Camelsot.                             
                                                            
44493 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Says the biddy, "You can't get a train, ya                  
Will have to go, charter a plan, ya                         
Must go to Heathrow,                                        
They'll be one there, I know,                               
That'll make you a Mesopotamia."                            
                                                            
44494 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



"But don't go by Virgin, you'll pay.                        
'Cause those things never go all the way.                   
Experience they lack.                                       
If you want to get back,                                    
You'd better fly TWA."                                      
                                                            
44495 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



So he gets him a flight to Baghdad,                         
Get the hots for those Arab chicks bad.                     
When he gets to the palace,                                 
Has a very sore phallus,                                    
'Cause many a fine Galahad.                                 
                                                            
44496 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



In the foyer a dervish is whirling',                        
And he finds an old conjurer, Merlin,                       
Who says, "I've a camel;                                    
He's one of the famil-                                      
Y, only a hundred pounds sterlin'.                          
                                                            
44497 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



So it's done; Merl fulfilled his commision,                 
And specifies just one condition.                           
"Now Art, we'll be pals,                                    
And we'll get lots of gals,                                 
And teach them the art of coition."                         
                                                            
44498 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



So back to Wessex they go,                                  
With slave girls and camel in tow,                          
And there make a feast                                      
Of that poor humpy beast,                                   
At a wonderful party they throw.                            
                                                            
44499 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



At a circular barm they were able                           
To set up an old trestle table.                             
Each day at sundown,                                        
They all might be found.                                    
Those great nights at the round stable.                     
                                                            
44500 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



There's more of this rubbish to follow,                     
But not until after tomorrow.                               
'Cause Erm's lying there                                    
With her legs in the air,                                   
And I'm going to have a good wallow.                        
                                                            
44501 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Tiddy Ogg                



Sir Galahad was in his day                                  
Regarded as pure for the way                                
He eschewed intramurals                                     
With women and girls.                                       
Post Freud, they'd have called the Knight Gay.              
                                                            
44502 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   A N Wilkins         P9811



After sleeping with Sir Galahad,                            
She decided he wasn't half bad.                             
But fret she did not,                                       
Because Sir Lancelot                                        
Had the other half and much more to add!                    
                                                            
44503 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR                            



So Merlin, you fooled the old crone,                        
Choosing Arthur to serve you alone.                         
Now crusty Queen Mab                                        
Has a penchant to grab                                      
Young Art and that sword in the stone!                      
                                                            
44504 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Ystap              TP9804



The Knighthood Flower -- Guinevere,                         
Till Lancelot whispered in her ear.                         
Each time he passed by,                                     
Twinkle in his eye,                                         
"Tonight's the Knight" was what she'd hear.                 
                                                            
44505 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ARTHUR   Irving Superior     P9811



That old friar Tuck was a card;                             
At the sight of a duck he'd get hard.                       
With his dick smeared with pitch,                           
He grab one in a ditch,                                     
And he'd finish up feathered and tarred.                    
                                                            
44506 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a Friar named Tuck                           
Whose diet was mostly pot luck.                             
With pot after pot,                                         
This poor friar got                                         
A waistline that outwardly stuck.                           
                                                            
44507 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Irving Superior     P9504



Penitents of Friar Tuck were disjointed                     
When he came from behind and anointed                       
Them. Ere they could foil                                   
Him and his scented oil,                                    
They discovered they'd all been tuckpointed.                
                                                            
44508 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9405



Fat Friar Tuck loves to drink;                              
It keeps him from finding the pink.                         
And since poor old Tuck                                     
Can't find it to fuck,                                      
The maidens just think he's a fink.                         
                                                            
44509 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Jim Weaver Collection    



When Maid Marion wanted a fuck,                             
She should have asked Friar Tuck.                           
He was horny as hell,                                       
Shagged a sheep in the dell,                                
And then from a lamb got a suck.                            
                                                            
44510 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN                             



The girls used to call him "Pin Tuck"                       
Cause he left little holes where he struck.                 
She would have many pricks,                                 
But she would get no kicks,                                 
And she'd never go down on his luck.                        
                                                            
44511 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN                             



How dare you impune Robin Hood?                             
He always behaved as he should,                             
'Til sadly Maid Marion                                      
Was found to be carryin',                                   
So we know he was good with the wood.                       
                                                            
44512 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Tony Burrell             



Robin Hood, he ran through the glen,                        
Chasing after his merry men.                                
He did it that way                                          
Because he was gay;                                         
Before he had made Marion.                                  
                                                            
44513 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Tony Burrell             



They all made Marion the maid                               
Wet in the wood and the glade.                              
With her in the middle,                                     
They'd all get a diddle.                                    
Tuck, John and Robin would trade.                           
                                                            
44514 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Karen                    



A Professor in my class today                               
Claims Robin Hood may well have been gay.                   
The things his men did                                      
In the woods where they hid,                                
Made Maid Marion blush, so they say.                        
                                                            
44515 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Anon                     



Said the Lionheart, "I am afraid                            
By old Brother John, I'm betrayed.                          
But then thanks to Robin                                    
Whose weavin' and bobbin'                                   
Kept Maid Marian staid and unlayed."                        
                                                            
44516 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



It was the old Sherrif of Nott                              
Who spanked her hot little bod,                             
Till quite red and rosy                                     
And he was arousy,                                          
And had her right there on the cot!                         
                                                            
44517 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Archie                   



When she died at just twenty and four,                      
In a battle 'gainst forces of law,                          
She was lincoln-green draped                                
In a coffin, Y-shaped,                                      
And they buried her under the floor...                      
                                                            
44518 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Peter Wilkins            



...Of the forest that served as her bed.                    
(Robin Cried 'cause they never were wed.)                   
But they soon found a luck-                                 
y replacedment to fuck.                                     
(So the Sheriff of Nottingham said.)                        
                                                            
44519 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Peter Wilkins            



I've a question 'bout Robin the Hood                        
And his friend Triar Fuck in the wood.                      
Are they having me on?                                      
Could it be Little John                                     
Who Maid Marion wet as he could?                            
                                                            
44520 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Peter Wilkins            



They all made Marion the maid,                              
For 'tis rumored afar that she laid                         
With Robin and crew                                         
(To name but a few),                                        
And thus became Marion unmaid.                              
                                                            
44521 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Bob Hunt                 



There was that miller's son, Mutch,                         
Though crippled, he'd still keep in touch.                  
He'd take girls to his bower;                               
For almost an hour,                                         
He would bugger the tart with his crutch.                   
                                                            
44522 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Tiddy Ogg                



After quaffing a flagon of ale,                             
Little John approached Alan-a-Dale,                         
While Robin, the varlet,                                    
Was jabbin' Will Scarlet,                                   
To star in a new fairy tale.                                
                                                            
44523 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Pierce Evans             



Robin Hood was not such a bore,                             
As depicted in the tale of yore.                            
The smooth son of a bitch,                                  
Would rob from the rich,                                    
Not to give to the poor, but his whore.                     
                                                            
44524 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    John Chastaine           



That oulaw from old Locksley Hall,                          
Went to Tuck for a boozy pub crawl.                         
He bumped into Maid Marion                                  
And still the contrarian,                                   
Asked, "Will you watch while we ball?"                      
                                                            
44525 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    TuttaGioia               



Robin Hood who was quite a stallion,                        
Said: "I'm not the fag thou think I am.                     
Those flowers I'd pluck                                     
With old Friar Tuck,                                        
Were for use when I made Marion."                           
                                                            
44526 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Tiddy Ogg                



Robin was quite the contrarian,                             
Eschewing the sex that's ovarian...                         
He'd constantly fuck                                        
That fat Friar Tuck,                                        
And never got 'round to Maid Marion.                        
                                                            
44527 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    TuttaGioia               



Randy Robin Hood said to his varlet,                        
"I wish, lad, you'd fetch me a harlot,                      
Else I'll just throw a fuck                                 
Into old Friar Tuck                                         
And make Little John and Will Scarlet."                     
                                                            
44528 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Bob Giandomenico    P9103



Robin Hood was a randy outlaw;                              
He shagged Marion till she was raw.                         
Old Friar Tuck,                                             
Just longed for a fuck,                                     
But alas, 'twas against the Church Law.                     
                                                            
44529 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Jayne                    



'Twas Robin Hood in disguise,                               
Who hung with those cod-piecy guys.                         
Done with their stealing,                                   
He'd have the boys kneeling,                                
And made them all kiss 'round his thighs.                   
                                                            
44530 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    TuttaGioia               



Friar Tuck strode out with Little John;                     
For ages they seemed to be gone.                            
Friar Tuck's trusty stave                                   
Poked John's hairy cave,                                    
Whilst praying to God dog-fashion.                          
                                                            
44531 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Jayne                    



"I warn you," said old Robin Hood,                          
"That I'm in a terrible mood,                               
And feeling all wrecked,                                    
Since my pecker has checked                                 
All the bugs in the trees in the wood."                     
                                                            
44532 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Carl Ludwig Kjelsen P9505



There once were two Babes in the Wood,                      
Who happened to meed Robin Hood,                            
Who said, with a leer,                                      
"Would you think it queer                                   
If I stuffed you with turkey and pud?"                      
                                                            
44533 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Roger Woddis             



A bandit was bold Robin Hood,                               
Whose motives were misunderstood.                           
He took tons of riches,                                     
From rich sons-of-bitches,                                  
And reviled them while pulling his pud.                     
                                                            
44534 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN                        G0143



There was a young outlaw named Hood,                        
Who lived in Nottingham Wood.                               
He learned how to fuck                                      
From old Friar Tuck,                                        
And made Marian whenever he could.                          
                                                            
44535 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    E O Parrot               



Whilst Robin was tending the sheep,                         
Triar Fuck was having Bo-peep.                              
He then tried Little John                                   
Who said, "Varlet begone!                                   
My favours for Robin I'll keep!".                           
                                                            
44536 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN                             



The wicked old sheriff of Nottingham                        
Would fuck girls while also garrotting 'em.                 
But the man fired blanks                                    
Due to Robin, and thanks                                    
To an arrow he shot at his scrottingum.                     
                                                            
44537 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Tiddy Ogg                



Out in Sherwood, a cranky old coot                          
Was arrested for hooting a hoot,                            
And then giggling a bit                                     
While depositing shit                                       
On the Sheriff of Nottingham's boot.                        
                                                            
44538 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Cybergeezer              



The only strange one was Will Scarlet;                      
He thought that Maid Marion a harlot.                       
He'd fuck, if you please,                                   
The knot holes of trees,                                    
He was really a perverted old varlet.                       
                                                            
44539 MYTHOLOGY - ENGLISH - ROBIN    Tiddy                    



In Troy, Agamemnon and Cass                                 
Developed a love life with class.                           
Then he went home to Cly                                    
Who was so deadly sly--                                     
She killed him while soaping his ass.                       
                                                            
44540 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Rob Kaplowitz       P9210



Agamemnon bound homeward from Troy                          
Hoped Clytemnestra awaited with joy.                        
But when he returned,                                       
He found he'd been spurned--                                
As Cassandra warned, they killed her boy.                   
                                                            
44541 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Rob Kaplowitz       P9210



They say Aphrodite was black--                              
A scurrilous racial attack.                                 
They say Aphrodite                                          
But hear "Afro ditty,"                                      
And all other evidence lack.                                
                                                            
44542 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Irving Superior     P9303



The Goddess of Love, Aphrodite,                             
Put on a diaphanous nighty --                               
But got for her pains                                       
Only minor chillblains,                                     
And a giggle from Zeus the Almighty.                        
                                                            
44543 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Norm Storer              



No one said that Adonis was queer,                          
But when soft Aphrodite made clear                          
That she was in heat,                                       
He answered 'tout suite'                                    
That he wished he were out hunting deer.                    
                                                            
44544 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P9210



Cassandra, declining to follow                              
His amourous leanings, Apollo,                              
Exceedingly miffed,                                         
Allowed her the gift                                        
Of predictions that no one would swallow.                   
                                                            
44545 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Basil Ransome-Davies     



As Apollo was chasing the fair                              
Daphne, she vanished in air.                                
He could not find but a shrub,                              
With thick bark on the hub                                  
And not even a knothole to spare.                           
                                                            
44546 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                  L1270



As Aremis' fate was to crave                                
Endymion's love--for the knave                              
Was handsomely young                                        
And very well hung--                                        
She kept him asleep in a cave.                              
                                                            
44547 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P9303



There was a Greek sailor named Jason,                       
Who set sail on a ship to hasten                            
To an island near Greece,                                   
To find the aureate fleece.                                 
And, lo, he found what he was chasin'.                      
                                                            
44548 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Thomas Ratliff      P0304



Despite his impressive physique,                            
Atlas was really quite meek.                                
If a mouse showed its head,                                 
He would jump into bed,                                     
With a terrible blood-curdling shriek.                      
                                                            
44549 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Jim Weaver Collection    



That Clothos at wheel, spins our being,                     
And Lachesis measures it out, seeing;                       
Those two Greek Fates                                       
Have just one more mate --                                  
Atropos whose shears we are fleeing.                        
                                                            
44550 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Archie                   



The Dioscuri, Castor and Pollux,                            
Kept all seamen safe in their rowlux.                       
When Poseidon complained                                    
That they'd never been trained,                             
They retoreted in unison, "Bollux".                         
(Dioscuri - sons of Zeus, Castor and Pollux)                
44551 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tony Record         P9709



The dog, Cerberus, feared by all men,                       
Gets on well with the gods near his den.                    
He once asked the three graces                              
To sit on his faces,                                        
He's been their favorite doggie since then.                 
                                                            
44552 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Michael Weinstein   P8309



The dog Cerberus, up to tricks                              
Said, "Gentlemen, speaking of pricks,                       
You may think I have three,                                 
So as to agree                                              
With my heads.  Well I don't.  I have six."                 
                                                            
44553 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Michael Weinstein   P8309



To Ceres, it's Spring all the time;                         
For her, honeysuckles will climb;                           
And Cupid will shoot,                                       
And trees will give fruit;                                  
And melons will bud on the vine.                            
                                                            
44554 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Matthew Monchalin        



Now Circe, that siren so fine,                              
Served NECTAR much better than wine.                        
And though we don't know                                    
From where came the flow,                                   
It did turn grown men into swine.                           
                                                            
44555 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Chris Papa               



One morning a very drunk Cupid                              
Did something he'd later think stupid.                      
His arrow touched Venus,                                    
Who ravished his penis,                                     
Which was, hours later, quite drooped.                      
                                                            
44556 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Actaeon                  



Daphne muttered, "Well, Fiddle-dee-dee!                     
That Apollo will never catch me!"                           
She ran from the jerk,                                      
But when that didn't work,                                  
She turned herself into a tree.                             
                                                            
44557 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Robin K. Willoughby P9210



Though she by a god was pursued,                            
Chaste Daphne was "not in the mood."                        
She said, "I shall flee                                     
Till I'm turned to a tree."                                 
She preferred to be wood than be wooed.                     
                                                            
44558 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Laurence Perrine    P8309



"When a Roman met Cerces," asked Peter,                     
"What was the approved way to greet her?"                   
His side partner Fred                                       
Replied, "A man said                                        
He was glad as all get out Demeter."                        
                                                            
44559 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P8309



To the Greeks Diana's a huntress;                           
To the Poms, a Princess, not Countess,                      
But here where we work                                      
(And none of us shirk)                                      
She's known to us as a cuntress.                            
                                                            
44560 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                       



To the Goddess of Justice dismay;                           
There seem to be more fools each day.                       
And not just the scum                                       
Who ask her how come                                        
A goddess named Dike's not gay.                             
                                                            
44561 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P9303



The moon must have been at the full                         
And the tides in her blood felt its pull,                   
For Europa was silly                                        
To be cowed by a bully                                      
Or carried away by his bull.                                
                                                            
44562 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Lance Payne         P8309



Europa, exerting her pull                                   
On Jupiter when he was full,                                
Is alleged to have said                                     
While stroking his head,                                    
"I think you're a whole lot of bull."                       
                                                            
44563 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Unlimited           P8309



In Crete, long ago, lived a whore,                          
Who found regular men quite a bore.                         
For her cunt to feel full,                                  
She had sex with a bull --                                  
Hence the legend of the Minotaur.                           
                                                            
44564 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Mike Dale                



There once was a King known as Augeas,                      
Whose oxen's consumption was orgy-ous.                      
Hercules said, "I'm able                                    
To clear out the stable                                     
Until the whole place is quite gorgeous."                   
                                                            
44565 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Clifford King            



It was a harmless seeming gift                              
That made of Hercules short shrift;                         
A robe round his skin                                       
Let the poison seep in;                                     
That set his mortal soul adrift.                            
                                                            
44566 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                  P8309



King Priam, as Virgil reveals,                              
When Achillies was shot, said, "One feels                   
Content to await                                            
The justice of Fate,                                        
For eventually time wounds all heels.                       
                                                            
44567 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P8409



Screwing women was Ixion's life.                            
Though his quest often ended in strife,                     
He kept husbands at bay                                     
Till that ominous day                                       
When he tried to make Zeus's own wife.                      
                                                            
44568 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P9210



Jason adventurer, ARGONAUT,                                 
Lashed his treasures with a cargo knot,                     
Which has uses same                                         
When tied to the frame                                      
Of the big tow truck, if car go not.                        
                                                            
44569 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Daniel Ford              



A sailor I knew sailed and fought                           
With Jason, the famed Argonaut.                             
They sailed out from Greece                                 
To find Golden Fleece,                                      
But when they returned, they had naught.                    
                                                            
44570 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Harold                   



Medea, while quite widely read,                             
Had limited knowledge in bed.                               
Jason left her, it seems,                                   
'Cause she gasped at his dreams                             
Of her bottom so daintily spread.                           
                                                            
44571 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Rob Kaplowitz       P9210



Young Annabel's future was fated                            
The day when King Midas she dated;                          
For now, more's the pity,                                   
Her sweet little clitty                                     
Is 22 carat gold plated.                                    
                                                            
44572 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                       



A beautiful traveller named Morgan                          
Has a head reminiscent of Gorgon.                           
No snakes in her tresses,                                   
Her fame, nontheless, is                                    
For turning to stone a man's organ.                         
                                                            
44573 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Mike Tice                



Homer's moral for men shouldn't fail,                       
As over Life's oceans you sail,                             
If you would be clever,                                     
Remember to never                                           
"Lose your head over a little piece of tail!"               
                                                            
44574 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Chris Papa               



I knew this old lady, Medusa...                             
Man, what a bitch of a bruisa...                            
She'd turn guys to stone,                                   
Then whack off their bone,                                  
While listening to John Phillip Sousa.                      
                                                            
44575 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              TuttaGioia               



There was a Greek Gorgon, Medusa,                           
Whose morals could not have been looser.                    
With serpents for hair,                                     
She had only one care;                                      
No one ever said "Introduce her."                           
                                                            
44576 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Arthur Pattaffy          



Said Medusa, "I naturally strive                            
To see that my locks really thrive,                         
And I've found that it's true                               
That this brand of shampoo                                  
Seems to make my hair just come alive."                     
                                                            
44577 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P8309



There was a young myth named Medusa,                        
Whose morals were something quite loosa,                    
But the snakes in her hair                                  
Didn't like being there,                                    
Which played hob with Medusa's sedoosa.                     
                                                            
44578 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Century             P8309



The Queen of King Louis Philippe                            
Would wait till the king was asleep,                        
Then sneak out on all fours,                                
And work out with the whores,                               
And then back into bed she would creep.                     
                                                            
44579 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0142



King Midas was not one to ration                            
His gold.  He had all in his nation.                        
His most heinous crime,                                     
For which he did time,                                      
Was gild by association.                                    
                                                            
44580 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Dr Limerick              



"It's not goddesses as a genus,"                            
Said Minerva, "It's no one but Venus                        
Whose personal scale                                        
For ranking a male                                          
Is not brains, but the size of his penis.                   
                                                            
44581 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P9104



Though King Minos repeatedly tried                          
To fulfil the desire of his bride,                          
Her frustration was full,                                   
Till Poseidon's white bull                                  
Finally left Pasiphae pacified.                             
                                                            
44582 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P9210



Some Greek built a fine labyrinth,                          
And lisped: From thith mathe here I thinkth,                
A monthter, no doubt,                                       
Will ever get out;                                          
Though that'th where I'll put him, I thinkth.               
                                                            
44583 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tiddy Ogg                



Now Theseus of Athens was king;                             
"I'll enter that maze," he does sing.                       
"There must be much gold,                                   
Of value untold."                                           
For such silly stunts were his thing.                       
                                                            
44584 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tiddy Ogg                



His missus gave hime the all-clear.                         
He said, "I'll not be long, my dear.                        
Just three weeks or four,                                   
Say a quick minor tour;                                     
I'll bring you fine treasures back here."                   
                                                            
44585 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tiddy Ogg                



My ignorance here I am showing.                             
Had he got a wife?  I'm not knowing.                        
But heck, it's all fun                                      
And it gained me a pun,                                     
To help keep this silly tale going.                         
                                                            
44586 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tiddy Ogg                



So Theseus now calls for his fleet;                         
They sail over the ocean to Crete,                          
Find a bird who ain't bad, she                              
Is called Ariadne,                                          
Who shows him the way it to beat.                           
                                                            
44587 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tiddy Ogg                



She hands him a fine silken thread.                         
"You'll find your way out; have no dread."                  
To the maze he then ran,                                    
Finds a creature, half man,                                 
Half bull, says "Hey cow-face, you're dead!"                
                                                            
44588 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tiddy Ogg                



"But hang on, old son, 'fore I kill                         
You, one item bothers me still;                             
As I'm in the fame game,                                    
I need first your name.                                     
The monster moos..."Buffalo Bill."                          
                                                            
44589 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Tiddy Ogg                



She was pregnant, sure, that much is true,                  
And she gave birth to Perseus too,                          
But the tale that she told                                  
Of a shower of gold,                                        
I never believed that, did you?                             
                                                            
44590 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Laurence Perrine    P8309



Narcissis, I think was the name                             
Of one self-loved person of fame.                           
He peered into water                                        
He shouldn't oughter --                                     
Fell in, drowned, and must take the blame.                  
                                                            
44591 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Marlene Lewis            



There was neither dryad nor elf                             
Who could lure one Greek lad off the shelf.                 
Though Narcissus was human,                                 
He ignored man and woman.                                   
All he asked was to play with himself.                      
                                                            
44592 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N.Wilkins        P9210



A pretty young woman was fired                              
With the love which Narcissus inspired,                     
And being concerned                                         
That her passion was spurned,                               
"Is there somebody else?" she inquired.                     
                                                            
44593 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P8309



A handsome young youth named Narcissus                      
Hardly had need of a missus;                                
Said he, "When I see                                        
How pretty I be,                                            
I blow myself all kinds of kisses."                         
                                                            
44594 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Mytho               P8309



"How much", said the gentle Narcissus.                      
"A man of my character misses!                              
It's clear on reflection,                                   
I've got an erection,                                       
But all I can do is blow kisses."                           
                                                            
44595 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Steven Sylvester         



"My love to you three," wrote Narcissus,                    
"Dear husband of my very misses;                            
Dear sisters sole brother;                                  
Dear son of my mother;                                      
I lavish on you all my kisses!"                             
                                                            
44596 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Prof M-G                 



Narcissus achieved his ambition:                            
He was taught by a mathematician                            
To perform with great ease                                  
A Mobius-strip tease,                                       
With an auto-erotic emission.                               
                                                            
44597 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                  G2242



Orion the hunter was normal                                 
Till he saw fair Diana informal.                            
Angered, she turned;                                        
His ardor she spurned,                                      
And he grew antlers for reasons hormonal.                   
                                                            
44598 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Actaeon                  



When Orpheus played his best licks                          
In the regions of Hades, his tricks                         
Didn't please folks too well.                               
After all, this was Hell,                                   
And it's hard to tour, out in the Styx.                     
                                                            
44599 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                       



In the woods, I thought I saw Pan,                          
A strange creature -- half goat, half man.                  
His father was Billy;                                       
His mother was silly;                                       
They met on a blind date in Japan.                          
                                                            
44600 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Bill Wall                



Pandora's box is soft inside;                               
When tickled it opens quite wide.                           
Don't be fooled by her smile                                
'Cause that woman is vile;                                  
You are sucked in when having a ride.                       
                                                            
44601 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                       



An ancient event was most curious;                          
To this day some discount it as spurious.                   
When they opened the locks                                  
On dear Pandora's Box,                                      
It was clear that Pandora was furious.                      
                                                            
44602 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



There's a lusty young chick named Pandora;                  
When I'm drunk I do think I'd adore a                       
Round with that fox,                                        
And open that box,                                          
At the risk of bad fauna and flora!                         
                                                            
44603 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                       



Pandora was given a box,                                    
And told not to play with its locks.                        
So, of course, what she did                                 
Was to undo its lid,                                        
And gave us the plague and the pox.                         
                                                            
44604 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Mytho               P8309



Young Persephone, brimming with pep,                        
Earned a quite mythological rep:                            
Leaves and flowers would sprout                             
Every time she went out,                                    
For she walked with a spring in her step.                   
                                                            
44605 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              B. L. Rygg               



The dog Cerberus grinned ear-to-ear                         
When Pluto had brought his bride near.                      
"She's quite," said one head                                
"A nice," the next said,                                    
"Piece of ass," said the third with a leer.                 
                                                            
44606 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Michael Weinstein   P8307



The ruler of seas, Poseidon,                                
Likes through water to go ride on                           
In his mighty chariot;                                      
Two hippocampi carry it                                     
Whichever way he's guide on.                                
                                                            
44607 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Mytho               P8309



Poseidon, pushed on by his peter,                           
Became a persistent entreator                               
Of a goddess-turned-horse.                                  
He caught her, of course                                    
And mounted her, ruining Demeter.                           
(Having changed into a stallion himself,)                   
44608 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              John Eggerton       P0106



Prometheus ran from the bar,                                
And snatched down the fire from a star.                     
But his gift was infernal --                                
It's combustion intermal                                    
And now he is chained to a car.                             
                                                            
44609 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Neal Wilgus         P8511



Oh, hear us, Olympian Zeus!                                 
No maiden is safe when you're loose.                        
And when you are tight,                                     
Even wives take affright.                                   
Protect us from swan and from goose.                        
                                                            
44610 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Laurence Perrine    P9211



Pygmalion carved Galatea,                                   
Then he prayed, "Gods, I wish ther could be a               
Real woman like you!"                                       
Pyggie's wishes came true                                   
When his tool cleft the cheeks of her rea'.                 
                                                            
44611 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Robin D. Willoughby P9210



Her cups, double-D, overflow                                
And out pop her nipples, aglow;                             
Fluorescent and winking                                     
At sailors a-sinking                                        
In wrecks on the rocks down below.                          
                                                            
44612 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Peter Wilkins            



Her pups, triple-A, are belying                             
The danger to sailors espying                               
Those mosquito bites,                                       
(Itsy-bitsy delights)                                       
That beguile luckless eyeballs for prying.                  
                                                            
44613 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                       



When I have some jobs Sisyphean,                            
No respite from them will I see in                          
This lifetime, my friend,                                   
For once my tasks end,                                      
They must be done over Aegean.                              
                                                            
44614 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Gary Hallock             



If you march to a different drummer,                        
Or even do something much dumber,                           
Much troubles await                                         
For your dismal fate;                                       
SISYPHEAN tasks are a bummer.                               
                                                            
44615 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Chris Papa               



There once was a king Corinthian,                           
Who ticked off some Greek God; then he in                   
Cruel bondage Hadean                                        
Did tasks Herculean --                                      
Frustrating, I'm sure your agreein'.                        
                                                            
44616 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Gary Hallock             



One wonders if Sisyphus was                                 
The first to know what housework does.                      
When you do it right,                                       
There's no end in sight;                                    
To push rocks up a hill is no buzz.                         
                                                            
44617 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Larry Davis         P8511



I admonished once a sour puss                               
For complaining and making a fuss.                          
"Though your life seems a pill                              
You regard as uphill.                                       
Just rejoice you are not Sisyphus."                         
                                                            
44618 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Loren Fitzhugh      P2005



The message from Sisyphus's story:                          
In labor there isn't much glory.                            
So try and relax                                            
As the balls rolling back,                                  
And pretend that your life's hunky-dory.                    
                                                            
44619 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Patty                    



A girl who spoke in obscenities,                            
Raised the ire of all three Eumenides.                      
It made them decide                                         
To make her tongue-tied                                     
And speechless till she learned some amenities.             
                                                            
44620 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Anon                     



A swan lives for many a summer                              
But poor Tithonus met with a slummer                        
(A goddess named Dawn)                                      
After they got it on,                                       
He got older, sans dying -- quel bummer!                    
                                                            
44621 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Robin K. Willoughby P8309



Oh, if you are generous folks                               
And give shelter to gods playing jokes                      
(Like Bacchis-Philemon,                                     
Goosed man and gulled woman)                                
You, too, can be turned into oaks!                          
                                                            
44622 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Laurence Perrine    P8309



Adonis, attracted by Venus,                                 
Asserted, "May none come between us."                       
Enjoying the fun,                                           
He whispered when done,                                     
"Here's hoping ain't nobody seen us."                       
                                                            
44623 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              R. J. Winkler       P840 



Sultry Venus and Mars, claims tradition,                    
Would often indulge in coition                              
Till her husband, upset,                                    
Caught them both in a net,                                  
Still engaged in overt exhibition.                          
                                                            
44624 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              A. N. Wilkins       P9303



Ancient deities always were spry.                           
Apollo each day crossed the sky;                            
And Mercury'd soar;                                         
Hammers thrown by old Thor;                                 
Most exciting--to see Venus Fly.                            
                                                            
44625 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK              Irving Superior     P9303



There once was a goddess named Venus,                       
Whose disarming was awful and heinous.                      
For her name didn't rhyme,                                  
With sweet words such as "thyme,"                           
So Zeus punished her for writing "penis."                   
                                                            
44626 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK                                       



Young Icarus filled in the cracks                           
Of his dynamic wings with some wax.                         
This was the reason why                                     
He fell from the sky;                                       
Superglue might have helped him relax.                      
                                                            
44627 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tony Burrell             



I'm Icarus; I had some fun;                                 
I flew up too close to the sun.                             
My wings came unstuck;                                      
I fell like a schmuck.                                      
A damn stupid thing to have done.                           
                                                            
44628 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



Well, that's what the fable tells you;                      
Of course the whole tale's far from true.                   
It's time to come clean                                     
'Bout the whole sordid scene,                               
That ended in smashed head and grue.                        
                                                            
44629 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



Editor's note for you poor                                  
Illiterate fools: grue means gore,                          
Like the girl said to Newsom                                
Stark naked: "It's gruesome!"                               
He spied her, the thing gruesome more.                      
                                                            
44630 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



That joke, now so old that it creaks,                       
Was new in the time of the Greeks,                          
Where all such tales start.  A                              
Small garden in Sparta,                                     
Where Icarus goes for his leeks...                          
                                                            
44631 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



From whence can our hero espy,                              
A neighbouring window on high,                              
Wherein Lysistracta,                                        
A virga intacta,                                            
Is combing the hair near her thigh.                         
                                                            
44632 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



Now, as you may learn from some tome,                       
That's still found in many a home,                          
This bloke, Paul of Tarsus,                                 
Kicks infidel arses,                                        
In Ephesus, Antwerp and Rome.                               
                                                            
44633 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



He goes places others have skirted,                         
To Sparta, where most are perverted.                        
The talk of this stranger,                                  
Of babes in a manger,                                       
So soon has our good Lyzzie converted.                      
                                                            
44634 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



And though you may think it absurd,                         
She starts in a-spreading his word,                         
Of thousands that's fed,                                    
And of raising the dead,                                    
And angels that fly like a bird.                            
                                                            
44635 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



Now, readers with culture and breeding,                     
Will certainly see where I'm leading,                       
And spot the denoue-                                        
ment, the old grace de coup,                                
That leaves our Ick battered and bleeding.                  
                                                            
44636 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



But for those lacking qualities rare,                       
I'll fill in the gaps.  To the square                       
In the center of town,                                      
Our hero trots down,                                        
And plucks all the pigeons that's there.                    
                                                            
44637 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



With buckets of beeswax and strings,                        
Bamboo and some helical springs,                            
He labours away                                             
For most of the day,                                        
To make him a fine pair of wings.                           
                                                            
44638 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



There's no way the fool's going to fly;                     
He knows that as do you or I,                               
But that ain't his aim,                                     
He fancies that dame,                                       
That sleeps in the room up on high.                         
                                                            
44639 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



For in dead of night-time he'll creep,                      
A secret appointment he'll keep,                            
With wings fitted tight,                                    
He'll climb up the flight                                   
Of stairs to the place Lyzzie sleeps.                       
                                                            
44640 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



He knocks on her door.  To her cry:                         
"Who's there?" Icky makes this reply:                       
"The Lord did appoint me,                                   
To come and anoint thee,                                    
Then back to the heavens I'll fly."                         
                                                            
44641 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



She lets him in, throws off all caution,                    
And Icarus gives her a portion,                             
They're at it all night,                                    
'Til the dawn's early light,                                
And finally sleep in exhaustion.                            
                                                            
44642 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



She wakes, with the sun way up high,                        
And utters a wail of a cry:                                 
"An angel you ain't!                                        
I thought you a saint!                                      
You're Icky, that weird ugly guy!"                          
                                                            
44643 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



She's hollering: "Help! Murder! Rape!"                      
He struggles to rise, mouth agape.                          
There's sound from the stair,                               
So totally bare,                                            
The window's the only escape.                               
                                                            
44644 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



He falls like a lead-plated rock;                           
No wings now to cushion the shock.                          
But those now she's sent,                                   
To trail his descent,                                       
And they land on his back, as to mock.                      
                                                            
44645 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



And thus, so the town is not shocked,                       
That "flight to the sun" tale's concoct-                    
ed, saving her honour,                                      
While he who did con her,                                   
Is carried off stiff in a boxt.                             
                                                            
44646 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



A moral you're wanting then Chuck?                          
I think that this time you're in luck:                      
To fall for a tart,                                         
Breaks your head not your heart;                            
And feathers should stay on a duck.                         
                                                            
44647 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ICARUS     Tiddy Ogg                



The Homeric young fighter Achilles,                         
Was great with the fair Trojan fillies,                     
But Paris said, "We'll                                      
Just aim at his heel."                                      
Now Achilles is pushing up lilies.                          
                                                            
44648 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Isaac Asimov             



A talented Greek was Achilles:                              
His prowess gave Trojans the willies;                       
When the battle was spent,                                  
He would pitch his own tent --                              
Why, he could have played ball for the Phillies.            
                                                            
44649 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Norm Storer         P9212



Achilles' brave Myrmidon corps                              
Fought and won a long war.                                  
Queen Helen was the prize;                                  
She love all the guys.                                      
So the corps won a war for a whore.                         
                                                            
44650 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Ed Wolfert          P8406



The Iliad's really no mystery,                              
Though details are blustery and blistery.                   
It's a long story tellin',                                  
Of the search for Queen Helen,                              
And the prize horse's ass in all history.                   
                                                            
44651 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN                         G2435



Though the rest of the Greeks they deplored,                
It was Helen the Trojans adored:                            
She was hauntingly hipped                                   
And was amply equipped                                      
Where Achilles was flat as a board.                         
                                                            
44652 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P8309



"They say Helen of Troy," observed William,                 
"Used to dance wearing nothing but trillium                 
Above her gold belt."                                       
From this practice, he felt,                                
They were named "topless towers of Illium."                 
                                                            
44653 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     A. N. Wilkins       P9004



Said that luscious blonde lady of joy,                      
Known in legend as Helen of Troy.                           
"Having sex with Achilles                                   
Just gives me the willies--                                 
The Greek butters me like a boy!"                           
                                                            
44654 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN                         G0140



How the Avant-Garde loves to annoy                          
The gullible gaping polloi.                                 
Soon some underground flicker                               
Will prove with a snicker                                   
That Helen of Troy was a boy.                               
                                                            
44655 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Ogden Nash          P9002



Mister Paris sees Helen (Ahoy!)                             
As a morsel, of course, to enjoy.                           
Since the cut of her torso                                  
Is curvaceous -- and more so --                             
He's for horsing around about Troy.                         
                                                            
44656 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A. Quinine   P8307



If we let the Greeks in, they'll betray us,"                
Helen told Trojan wives from her dias.                      
"I fear men will flay us,                                   
I fear men will slay us,                                    
But mostly I fear -- Menelaus!"                             
                                                            
44657 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Lance Payne         P8309



I will sing about arms and the man                          
Named Achillies, who, with his whole clan,                  
Went to Troy to get Helen,                                  
Did some poutin' and yellin',                               
Then dragged Hector 'round on his can.                      
                                                            
44658 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Finding opium, some of the band                             
Of Odysseus were wholly unmanned.                           
They asked, "Why should we bother                           
To be husband and father?                                   
We'll abide in this fair Lotus land.                        
                                                            
44659 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     A. N. Wilkins       P8803



Odysseus' crew, expert at aping                             
Greek pirates, both looting and raping,                     
Stayed too long with their cronies                          
Among the Cicones,                                          
And had trouble at last in escaping.                        
                                                            
44660 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     A. N. Wilkins       P8804



A Greek by the name of Odysseus,                            
When he tried to leave Troy, went amisseus.                 
He struck out for years,                                    
But then homered to cheers,                                 
Not to mention Penelope's kisseus.                          
                                                            
44661 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Steve C.                 



When Odysseus started his Odyssey,                          
He met many a woman and goddess; he                         
Balled Calypso and Circe,                                   
Tricked Cyclops so fierce; he                               
Came home and said, "I've seen a lotta sea!"                
                                                            
44662 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Robin K. Willoughby P8409



To Penelope, Ulysses, glad                                  
For release from the ills he had had,                       
Said, "I don't overstate                                    
The ills I relate.                                          
You Odyssey all of the Iliad."                              
                                                            
44663 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Laurence Perrine    P9206



Look what Helen did for poor Paris,                         
Brought many Greeks then to harass;                         
Left a Trojan Horse,                                        
In matters of course,                                       
Guards of the city embarass.                                
                                                            
44664 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Chris Papa               



The Greeks in their war against Troy,                       
When frontal attacks don't destroy--                        
Atrocious, the ruse--                                       
A wooden horse use.                                         
(At Troy, just this use was employed.)                      
                                                            
44665 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Irving Superior     P9206



Ancient history with Homer its source                       
Contains certain errors, of course.                         
And the greatest, it's said,                                
Is where we misread                                         
About Greeks getting into a horse.                          
                                                            
44666 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Arthur Deex         P8306



When Ulysses was finished with Troy,                        
There was little he'd left to destroy:                      
So he headed for home,                                      
But was fated to roam,                                      
By the god whom he'd chanced to annoy.                      
                                                            
44667 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



What Poseidon had found a bit thick,                        
Was his kid on a cannibal kick:                             
He had gobbled some Greeks                                  
From their chops to their cheeks,                           
So Ulysses had blinded the prick.                           
                                                            
44668 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Polyphemus deserved it and all,                             
For his manners at table, appall.                           
Though he'd bluster and curse,                              
There's a loss that was worse:                              
It's the sociable use of a ball.                            
                                                            
44669 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Although Circe was less than benign                         
In transforming his men into swine,                         
It should not be inferred,                                  
From transforming his bird,                                 
That her pussy then took the same line.                     
                                                            
44670 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



There was naught for Ulysses to know                        
When he came to Charybdis & Co.,                            
But, of sympathy, Scylla,                                   
Not the slightest scintilla,                                
Could be safely expected to show.                           
                                                            
44671 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



To this Scylla, a succulent dish,                           
With the nates to make any man wish,                        
Had befallen the lot                                        
Of observing her twat,                                      
Being turned to the tail of a fish.                         
                                                            
44672 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



While Ulysses was sailing along,                            
He'd encountered the beckoning song                         
Of some scintillant sirens                                  
In his galley's environs,                                   
Which had raised both his hopes and his dong.               
                                                            
44673 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



It was wise to be tied to the mast,                         
For this peril was least but not last;                      
Had his lashings been loosed,                               
He'd have soon been seduced                                 
And his voyage have ended too fast.                         
                                                            
44674 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Then Calypso, alone on her isle,                            
Had beguiled him to linger awhile;                          
With her fingers and toes                                   
And her Nereid's nose,                                      
She had kept him in throes and in style.                    
                                                            
44675 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Coming naked to Nausica's port,                             
He had frighted her maids at their sport,                   
Who, in spite of his years,                                 
Must have sighted his spheres,                              
For a game of a quite different sort.                       
                                                            
44676 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



That Ulysses returned from his cruise,                      
To the suitors was terrible news.                           
For (the poet would tell us)                                
He'd been horribly jealous,                                 
And his trip hadn't broadened his views.                    
                                                            
44677 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Although Penny had kept them at bay,                        
While her husband and lord was away,                        
In the fashion of youth,                                    
With a passion uncouth,                                     
They had hoped for a hop in the hay.                        
                                                            
44678 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Said a suitor, a prominent peer,                            
To his fellows, assembled in fear,                          
"The prognostics are grim,                                  
Since Penelope's quim                                       
Is the principal reason we're here."                        
                                                            
44679 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Now, Ulysses was mightily thewed:                           
In the murderous fight that ensued,                         
He would skewer them all                                    
In their flight from his wall,                              
So the blighters were finally screwed.                      
                                                            
44680 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Thomas A Quinine    P0304



Ulysses' crew, out of their minds,                          
Fathomed not Circe designs.                                 
Spurning spoon, knife, and fork,                            
He refused her sweet pork,                                  
Eschewing his buddies' behinds.                             
                                                            
44681 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Arthur Deex         P9210



In shunning sweet Circe's magic,                            
During his voyage PELAGIC,                                  
Ulysses divining                                            
His men might be swining,                                   
Avoided a move to sty tragic.                               
                                                            
44682 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Chris Papa               



Great archers and hitters of bull's-eyes,                   
You wingers of wren's eyes and gull's eyes,                 
Ulysses and Tell                                            
And Achilles as well,                                       
Where walk you now, baring your skull's eyes?               
                                                            
44683 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Conrad Aiken             



When out clubing with Helen of Troy,                        
She suggested this interesting ploy:                        
She said, "Make a big horse,                                
Out of plywood, of course,                                  
And glue it up just like a toy.                             
                                                            
44684 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - TROJAN     Bill Wall                



A remarkable habit of Zeus's                                
Was to bathe in tropical juices.                            
He committed a felony                                       
With an over-ripe melon, he                                 
Subjected to disgusting abuses.                             
                                                            
44685 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Bill Wall                



The great Zeus, his beard long and hoary,                   
Seduced maidens by using the glory                          
Of a bovine persuasion                                      
And a member amazin'.                                       
Now that's quite a cock-and-bull story.                     
                                                            
44686 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Anon                     



Europa, Greek scholars deduce,                              
Was not one whose morals were loose,                        
But this bull came along                                    
With a walloping dong,                                      
And what lady could say no to Zeus?                         
                                                            
44687 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       A. N. Wilkins       P9210



For Zeus, every dolce was vita,                             
But once in a while he would need a                         
Hiatus to spawn,                                            
So he dressed as a swan,                                    
And went off to play follow the Leda.                       
                                                            
44688 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Hugh Clary               



There's a tale about Zeus's wife Juno                       
Which I'll wager that only a few know.                      
To stop all his treachery                                   
And dampen his lechery,                                     
She would feed him saltpetre -- now you know.               
                                                            
44689 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Armand E Singer        84



The king of the gods, namely Zeus,                          
Whose morals were patently loose,                           
Appeared before Leda,                                       
Attempting to breed her,                                    
Disguised as a swan, not a goose.                           
                                                            
44690 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Armand E Singer       172



When Leda's waist started to thicken,                       
She said, "Dang it!  That swan should be stricken!"         
Then she opened her legs                                    
And gave birth to three eggs;                               
In 'em: Helen, the Beaver, and Chicken.                     
(beaver and chicken - Castor and Pollux)                    
44691 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Robin K. Willoughby P8309



That Leda was one for the swans,                            
She wanted no Tonys or Johns.                               
And boy did she squeak                                      
When a big feathered beak                                   
Poked in her venusian mons.                                 
                                                            
44692 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS                                



Seems the ladylike Leda was fond                            
Of disporting with ducks by her pond,                       
But her girdle unloosed                                     
When the girlie was goosed,                                 
So she swooned by the time she was swanned.                 
                                                            
44693 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Thomas A. Quinine   P8309



Leda's mom, her face six shades of blue,                    
Screamed, "You what?!  You got knocked up by who?!          
Can you really think I                                      
Would believe such a lie?!"                                 
So Zeus knocked the mother up too.                          
                                                            
44694 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Michael Weinstein   P8309



Upon high Olympus, great Zeus,                              
Muttered angrily, "Oh, What the deuce!                      
It takes spiced ambrosia                                    
To get the nymphs cosier,                                   
And Hera supplies grapefruit juice."                        
                                                            
44695 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Isaac Asimov             



When the handsome jock tried to seduce                      
Europa, he claimed to be Zeus.                              
Though she thought he had lied,                             
She finally complied,                                       
Since it seemed like a specious excuse.                     
(specious - pleasing, showy)                                
44696 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       A. N. Wilkins       P9303



While Zeus as a swan, took her measure,                     
Sighed Leda, "What heavenly pleasure!"                      
But Zeus in his plying                                      
Was overheard crying,                                       
"These earthy delights are a treasure."                     
                                                            
44697 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Lance Payne         P8309



Queen Leda of Sparta told Ron,                              
That god Zeus came, guised as a swan,                       
And first the swan goosed her,                              
And then Zeus seduced her,                                  
And when she looked up he was gone.                         
                                                            
44698 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS                                



A typical male of his day,                                  
God Zeus, he just dropped in to play                        
Some old slap and tickle;                                   
Left her in a pickle.                                       
Good grief, man, what else could she say?                   
                                                            
44699 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS                                



Queen Leda told spartan Tyndareus                           
"Zeus comes down to Earth to find various                   
Mates. Thinks it's neato                                    
To quench his libido                                        
Sans speedo as a swan -- I'm serious!"                      
                                                            
44700 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS                                



Father Zeus was the first to discern                        
Little Leda was luscious astern;                            
She was hooked on divinity,                                 
So he took her virginity,                                   
Leaving Helen of Troy in return.                            
                                                            
44701 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Thomas A. Quinine   P8309



In that Zeus had some juices to burn --                     
And the sperm that a girl daren't spurn --                  
He divested his ballocks                                    
Of your Castor and Pollux,                                  
Who proceeded from Leda in turn.                            
                                                            
44702 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Thomas A. Quinine   P8309



An Olympian lecher was Zeus,                                
Always playing around fast and loose;                       
With one hand in the bodice                                 
Of some likely young goddess,                               
And the other preparing to goose.                           
                                                            
44703 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Isaac Asimov             



Beware of the wrath of old Zeus;                            
He gets mean when he's drinking the juice.                  
He gets so damn cross                                       
When he's hitting the sauce,                                
He kicks Hercules's caboose.                                
                                                            
44704 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Neal Wilgus         P8311



Zeus the Thunder God always got hot                         
At the thought of a mortal babe's twat;                     
Disguise was his schtick                                    
So's to slip them his dick,                                 
Then he'd always go off like a shot.                        
                                                            
44705 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Robin K. Willoughby P9210



When Hera said Zeus had screwed Io,                         
He just made her a cow in reply so                          
He could hoodwink his frau.                                 
I myself humped a cow--                                     
In a motel in Akron, Ohio.                                  
                                                            
44706 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       Don Moore           P9303



To keep Danae virgin and cold,                              
Her father locked her in his hold,                          
But Zeus still got in                                       
And bribed her to sin.                                      
He arrived in a shower of gold.                             
                                                            
44707 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS       A. N. Wilkins       P9303



There once was a muse named Terpsichore,                    
A dancing delight, full of trichore.                        
And when playing her lyre,                                  
Our pants were on fire --                                   
Even Zeus got a hichore dichore.                            
                                                            
44708 MYTHOLOGY - GREEK - ZEUS                                



A northerner, ragged and scarred,                           
Displayed to a wandering bard,                              
A shield for his back,                                      
All battered and black,                                     
And remarked it was called his Asgard.                      
                                                            
44709 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



Odin, hailing his consort, yelled, "Frigga!                 
You midsection gotten much bigga."                          
Said she, "Don't worry, Hon,                                
That's just Baldur, our son."                               
He thought, "Baldur? Not me, so go figga...!"               
                                                            
44710 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Robin K. Willoughby P8309



In English class Beowoulf loomed;                           
Quite certain to bring me to doom.                          
As I read and re-read                                       
What the author had said,                                   
Still I won't understand to my tomb.                        
                                                            
44711 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



There was old Shield Sheafson, the king,                    
Was doing that old Viking thing.                            
Many did he kill,                                           
(Giving him quite a thrill)                                 
So Shield-Danes his praises did sing.                       
                                                            
44712 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



His descendant, named Hrothgar,                             
Exceeded his building by far.                               
Once battles were fought,                                   
He built his Heorot,                                        
And had his throne room in the bar.                         
                                                            
44713 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



But Grendel this mead-hall did hate,                        
As Shield-Danaes did realize too late.                      
He came in the night,                                       
They could put up no fight,                                 
So many brave warriors he ate.                              
                                                            
44714 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



The Danes all agreed this was bad,                          
So Beowulf (Eogtheow was his dad)                           
Came, Grendel to kill.                                      
('Twould give him a thrill)                                 
His coming made Hrothgar quite glad.                        
                                                            
44715 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



So Beowulf stayed up all night;                             
He hoped that soon Grendel he'd fight.                      
While all went to sleep,                                    
That watch he did keep,                                     
Till Grendel appeared in his sight.                         
                                                            
44716 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Grendel ate one of the men,                                 
Then the battle royal did begin.                            
It was very grand,                                          
Since they fought hand-to-hand,                             
But God wanted Beowulf to win.                              
                                                            
44717 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Beowulf and Grendel long fought.                            
Great damage they did to Heorot.                            
Off came Grendel's arm,                                     
Which did him great harm.                                   
His evil plans all came to nought.                          
                                                            
44718 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Beowulf thus killed Grendel,                                
And so sent him right back to hell,                         
Since God loves us so.                                      
(That's cause, don't you know,                              
The scribe on this did love to dwell!)                      
                                                            
44719 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



With the monster Grendel now slayed,                        
The Danes all shouted and hurrayed.                         
Beowulf was cool,                                           
Since he won the duel,                                      
His reputation now had been made.                           
                                                            
44720 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



A legend was Beowulf the brave,                             
Who fought monsters and such to the grave;                  
Like killing Grendel and other                              
Things like Grendels Mother,                                
Causing poets to write sagas and rave.                      
                                                            
44721 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



But Grendel's mother was near,                              
And when her son's death she did hear,                      
She was quite un-meek,                                      
Vengence she did seek,                                      
So Danes had another to fear.                               
                                                            
44722 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



So Mother rampaged for a while,                             
To the lake the brave War-Geats did file.                   
"Goodbye," said the men,                                    
As Beowulf jumped in,                                       
Seeking that monster so vile.                               
                                                            
44723 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Beowulf held his breath well,                               
A whole day, the story does tell.                           
He got to the house                                         
Of the She-beast, that louse,                               
And he attacked her with a yell.                            
                                                            
44724 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



His sword, as usual, did fail;                              
This happens quite oft in this tale.                        
So he hacked in vain                                        
At the daughter of Cain,                                    
But at least he was dressed in chain-mail.                  
                                                            
44725 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



A good fight for a while against sin,                       
And finally good Beowulf did win.                           
He returned to the top,                                     
Then the local scop                                         
Sang several songs through the din.                         
                                                            
44726 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Then all knew that Beowulf was great,                       
However, 'twas getting quite late.                          
The Geats soon would go                                     
To them, gifts would flow,                                  
As Danes did the victory celebrate.                         
                                                            
44727 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



So Sea-Geats returned to their home.                        
Again through the sea they did roam.                        
At last their Geatland                                      
Was seen close at hand;                                     
They were done sailing through the sea foam.                
                                                            
44728 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



At home now, with his good King,                            
Beowulf his own praises did sing.                           
He retold the tale                                          
Over goblets of ale,                                        
Of killing the horrible thing.                              
                                                            
44729 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Then one day King Hygelac did die,                          
But things didn't go too awry.                              
Beowulf became king,                                        
And that was a good thing,                                  
For soon a great Dragon dropped by.                         
                                                            
44730 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Then Beowulf made his last boast;                           
'Twas far more impressive than most.                        
Then he went right in                                       
To the dragon's den                                         
And almost was made into toast.                             
                                                            
44731 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Grendel was a monster whose aim,                            
Was to kill all the fighters.  His claim                    
Was well founded -- no one                                  
Could best Grendel - who won                                
Every battle.  He would kill.  He would maim.               
                                                            
44732 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



Wiglaf then came to his aid;                                
Right by Beowulf's side he stayed.                          
They made dragon-kill;                                      
It gave them a thrill,                                      
But Beowulf was hurt, I'm afraid.                           
                                                            
44733 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



Beowulf, his third battle won,                              
Soon with his life would be done.                           
He died gloriously,                                         
Not turning to flee.                                        
Of treasure, he'd gathered a ton.                           
                                                            
44734 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



The Geats then all mourned their dead King.                 
For days their praises they did sing.                       
They worried of war,                                        
But still, at the core,                                     
Much glory to Geats he did bring.                           
                                                            
44735 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Peter Gardner            



But Beowulf came up from the West,                          
Killing Grendel in a gruesome contest.                      
A feast was begun,                                          
At the set of the sun,                                      
Treating Beowulf as best of the Best.                       
                                                            
44736 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



A short time from the start of the feast,                   
There came from a fen in the East,                          
An huge Monster - no other,                                 
Than Grendel's own Mother,                                  
A terrible, horrible beast.                                 
                                                            
44737 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



Beowulf wades in to attack,                                 
With his sword, he proceeded to hack,                       
And slew the foul beast,                                    
Then continued his feast,                                   
With the heads of the slain in his sack.                    
                                                            
44738 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



There's one goddess of love we still dig,                   
On whose honors we do not renege.                           
Each Monday we pray                                         
For her special day,                                        
Because Friday is named after Frigg.                        
                                                            
44739 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              A. N. Wilkins       P9303



The fellow that fucked Lady Smith                           
Said, "You are great fun to be with;                        
By the way, I am Thor."                                     
She said, "Me too -- no more;                               
I'm tho thore that I hardly can pith."                      
                                                            
44740 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Albin Chaplin Appeal  242



Said the warrior god of the myth,                           
To his lay of the night, missing teeth:                     
Good morning, I'm Thor!"                                    
"Tho am I", said the whore,                                 
"I'm tho thore, that it hurth when I pith!"                 
                                                            
44741 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Carl Ludvig Kjelsen      



The mischievous demigod Loki                                
Had a curious idea of a joke; he                            
Would poke people's eyes                                    
And put jam on their ties,                                  
Till the gods jammed old Lok' in the pokey.                 
                                                            
44742 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Robin K. Willoughby P8309



The Witnesses came to my door                               
I'll bet they won't come anymore.                           
Lightning!...from afar!                                     
A bolt hit their car!                                       
I told them that my god is Thor!                            
                                                            
44743 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              John K. Roberts     P9303



Young Seigfried, uncowed by a bear                          
Or a dragon, from Woman learned fear.                       
He said, "Hail fellow, well-met!"                           
Lifting Brunhild's horned helmet,                           
But he shirked peeking 'neath her brassiere.                
                                                            
44744 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Robin K. Willoughby P8309



There was an old God named Thor;                            
Who left all the maidens so sore.                           
But when he met Sif,                                        
He took her to wif,                                         
And now he gets it no more.                                 
                                                            
44745 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Thor, the great God of Norse myth,                          
Picked a girl with a lisp to be with.                       
Then proclaimed, "I AM THOR!"                               
Came a voice from the floor,                                
"So your Thor, I'm so thor I can't pith!"                   
                                                            
44746 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              John Miller 0042         



After Thor said goodbye, even kissed her,                   
She told her incredulous sister.                            
"Don't you know Thor's a myth?"                             
"That may be what he ith,                                   
But thith myth wath a hell of a mithter."                   
                                                            
44747 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Pierce Evans             



Though most years that Tannhauser spent                     
With Venus, the Knight was content.                         
When he became flaccid,                                     
He grew pious and placid,                                   
And returned to the church to repent.                       
                                                            
44748 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              A N Wilkins       P9811  



Here's a god that you cannot ignore;                        
The almighty god known as Thor.                             
He was thrown in the slammer                                
But broke out with his hammer,                              
And invented the blitzkrieg-type war.                       
                                                            
44749 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Neal Wilgus         P8311



There was an old Norse God called Thor,                     
Who could be an incredible bore.                            
He'd strike churches with thunder;                          
With Vikings he'd plunder,                                  
And sleep with the occasional whore.                        
                                                            
44750 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



His father was commonly called Odin;                        
He sat in his cart which he rode in,                        
Pulled by two goats,                                        
With the reins to their scrotes;                            
The family would all try to crowd in.                       
                                                            
44751 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



They went on their holidays from Asgard,                    
When Thor's hammer got caught in a Mudguard.                
In the North Sea they fell,                                 
With an incredible yell,                                    
And had to be saved by the Coast-guard.                     
                                                            
44752 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE                                       



The Thundergod pounced! In a trice                          
The virgin fell prey to his vice.                           
He came with a roar                                         
Then told her, "I'm Thor"                                   
She smiled:  "Tho am I, but it'th nice!"                    
                                                            
44753 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Sem                      



Said Kin Mark, "I've the hots for Yseult;                   
There's a catch irrestibly cute;                            
To woo her, go Tristan,                                     
It's you I insist on,                                       
But don't cuckhold your uncle to boot!"                     
                                                            
44754 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Armand E Singer       578



Sing minstrels by general accord:                           
"The blade in the bed was ignored;                          
And scratch upon rocks                                      
These words about cocks:                                    
Man penis more mightly than sword!"                         
                                                            
44755 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Armand E Singer       579



Norwegians who once worshiped goats,                        
Sailed the seas in small wooden boats,                      
And when they raided ports, they sowed a crop of sorts,     
And left to spoil in virgin soil --                         
Wild oats! Wild oats! Wild oats!                            
                                                            
44756 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Rambling Rose            



The greatest of Norse gods was Wodin                        
Who thought nothing in sex was verboten.                    
But a fucking machine,                                      
Two nuns, trampoline,                                       
Where the hell could he fit the goat in.                    
                                                            
44757 MYTHOLOGY - NORSE              Steven Addleman          



Stout Ares and fair Aphrodite,                              
He mighty, but she rather flighty,                          
Were netted in love                                         
From below, not above --                                   n
And she without even her nighty!                            
                                                            
44758 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Lance Payne         P8309



A mighty war-god is Ares,                                   
Not of the Pentates and Lares,                              
But acknowledged by trumpet,                                
Alarm and by strumpet,                                      
And by the large number he buries.                          
                                                            
44759 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Laurence Perrine    P8309



There was a young man from Caracas,                         
Who was ever so fond of his tacos.                          
But with one sip of the brew,                               
He discovered it's true                                     
That it's nicer to worship God Bacchus.                     
                                                            
44760 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Thespus                  



An uxorious female named Emily,                             
Longed for years to be Jupiter's Semele.                    
She had to make do                                          
With a pawnbroker Jew,                                      
But by Jove, she achieved quite a femeleh.                  
(uxorious - bossy wife, Semele - girl friend of Jove)       
44761 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Conrad Aiken             



I must tell you I have often seen                           
The winged guy being extra mean.                            
This big phony cupid;                                       
The ultimate stupid;                                        
He breaks hearts of many a teen.                            
                                                            
44762 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Anon                     



That fella, that cupid, so mean, he                         
Will sneak up on you when you don't see                     
Nor expect his sting                                        
And what once was a fling,                                  
All of sudden turns into big lovee.                         
                                                            
44763 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Anon                     



A puny Greek stripling named Keemon,                        
Turned into a sexual demon                                  
After praying to Hera                                       
For various sera                                            
Compounded of powdered goat semen.                          
                                                            
44764 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              John Ciardi              



Concerning that Roman god Janus                             
A thought just occured, sort of heinous:                    
We're talking two faces,                                    
Which gives us the basis                                    
To ask, "Had he only one anus?"                             
                                                            
44765 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Armand E Singer       584



Concerning the Roman god Janus,                             
A thought just occured, sort of heinous:                    
Along with two faces                                        
For making grimaces,                                        
I wonder, "Two pricks but no anus?"                         
                                                            
44766 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Armand E Singer      584A



I sing of the Roman god Janus;                              
There's something about him that's heinous.                 
No, I don't mean the case                                   
Of his two-sided face --                                    
But doubling of penis or anus.                              
                                                            
44767 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Armand E Singer      584B



Oh why must there always be strife,                         
Ye Gods! Between husband and wife?                          
By Jove! Don't Ju-no?                                       
If you two'd make it go,                                    
We too might do so in life.                                 
                                                            
44768 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Laurence Perrine    P8309



Those heroes that strove and that throve,                   
Whose names in Greek legend are wove,                       
Though their frailities they mastered,                      
Yet each was a bastard,                                     
All sired out of wedlock, by Jove!                          
                                                            
44769 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Laurence Perrine    P8309



Young Danae, maid without stain,                            
Was locked up by her dad to her pain.                       
But no tower of brass                                       
Kept a nice piece of ass                                    
Hid forever in Jove's golden reign.                         
                                                            
44770 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Lance Payne         P8309



Mrs. Jupiter, best known as Juno,                           
Was a jealous wife, as I know you know,                     
But she well bore her distresses.                           
"Millions of mistresses!                                    
But only one Queen, that I do know!"                        
                                                            
44771 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Laurence Perrine    P8309



Mars is distractingly charming,                             
But, dressed in full armor, alarming!                       
That's the reason (between us)                              
He breaks off with Venus,                                   
For Venus is always disarming.                              
                                                            
44772 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Lance Payne         P8309



On a dark night look up at the stars.                       
The bloodiest red one is Mars.                              
ARMS, MARS, AND RAMS                                        
Are all anagrams.                                           
Up-end M and he's God of the WARS.                          
                                                            
44773 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Laurence Perrine    P8309



Said Mars to voluptuous Venus                               
"Considering what we have between us,                       
In a world rich with life.                                  
Will you please be my wife;                                 
You get all access to my penis!"                            
                                                            
44774 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Vinnie             TP9804



When Juno with Jove used to bicker,                         
And he ardently wished he could kick her,                   
Yet couldn't subject her.                                   
He'd toss off some nectar.                                  
(This liquor made ichor flow quicker.)                      
                                                            
44775 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Laurence Perrine    P8403



The Mercury does tend to rise,                              
When Uranus is betwixt her thighs.                          
By Jupiter, 'tis right,                                     
Every Satur(n)day night,                                    
The population of Earth multiplies.                         
                                                            
44776 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Matahourus               



The sexes are separate genuses,                             
Man from Mars, where a woman from Venus is.                 
He mulls on the moisture,                                   
He'll pearl in her oisture,                                 
While she's pondering ponderous penises.                    
                                                            
44777 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Hugh Clary               



I've found when my rigid inflation                          
Is entering her constellation,                              
She howls at the moon:                                      
"Plese God, not too soon!                                   
Just grant me a lengthly phallation."                       
                                                            
44778 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              SFA                      



Priapus, god of gardens and bowers,                         
Liked to stand out in sunshine and showers.                 
Without any toga--                                          
The randy old roguer--                                      
He would play pocket rugby for hours!                       
                                                            
44779 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN                                  G2088



When Jupiter hid in a swan                                  
And laid Leda low on the lawn,                              
Pled she, "Stick your neck in,                              
But please do not peck in                                   
My box, for the lining is gone."                            
                                                            
44780 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN                                       



There's a story they tell about Venus,                      
Who, while taking Adonis's penis,                           
Exclaimed, "Whoa! my love,                                  
Draw it back and then shove                                 
Till there's nothing but gism between us."                  
                                                            
44781 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              G0215                    



In Rome, a curator named Lars,                              
Found, preserved in a cache of old jars,                    
The cunny of Venus,                                         
Old Jupiters penis,                                         
And he thinks, the left knocker of Mars.                    
                                                            
44782 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN                                  G0246



I worship and fear mighty Venus,                            
The Goddess of Cunt and of Penis.                           
May she oft come among us                                   
With the blessings she'd brung us,                          
But may she come never between us!                          
                                                            
44783 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Lance Payne         P8309



The casket's so narrow," says Hume,                         
"We think we've found Venus's tomb!                         
And also there's writing --                                 
FROM FINGERNAIL BITING                                      
SHE WON'T NEED TOO MUCH ELBOW ROOM."                        
                                                            
44784 MYTHOLOGY - ROMAN              Irving Superior     P8309



AOL is a bitch to log onto --                               
Where's the pride in one's work ever gone to? --            
All that greed -- don't you love it?                        
Don't bend over, they'll shove it!                          
Right up your ass... if they want to.                       
                                                            
44785 NETWORKS                       Writerman                



As far as the meaning of "byte,"                            
Though laymen will mumble "I bite,"                         
Most experts concur                                         
That "byte" is a slur,                                      
A slur of exhorting us "buy it."                            
                                                            
44786 NETWORKS                                                



Let me tell you about CNN;                                  
It's so boring, I've watched it again.                      
It presents only news                                       
About Arabs and Jews,                                       
And fatalities of U.S. men.                                 
                                                            
44787 NETWORKS                       Nawahl Razak             



Not to mention that dunce, Mr Bush                          
Who's dumb face sure resembles a tush.                      
From New York to Paris                                      
He can easily embarrass                                     
When he places his ass on a cush'.                          
                                                            
44788 NETWORKS                       Nawahl Razak             



What's worse, CNN finds him clever,                         
For what reason, I will know never.                         
For he's nothing but air                                    
And a tad bit unfair,                                       
And quite lacking sucessful endeavor.                       
                                                            
44789 NETWORKS                       Nawhal                   



I think you're right about that;                            
That Bush guy's really a frat rat.                          
But telling that loud                                       
Out to all of that crowd,                                   
May be an idea of shat.                                     
                                                            
44790 NETWORKS                       Joschi                   



But that CNN TV station                                     
And Bush are in a deep relation,                            
'Cause it is bought by the gov;                             
And that's worse enough.                                    
I'll end with that loud conversation.                       
                                                            
44791 NETWORKS                       Joschi                   



He inquired, "Do you think there's a place                  
To escape to and not leave a trace?"                        
Quite rhetorically                                          
Then euphorically,                                          
He responded, "Yes, in Cyberspace!"                         
                                                            
44792 NETWORKS                       Loren Fitzhugh           



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
Today some addresses we'll block.                           
The users will learn                                        
That the network of CERN                                    
Is not a cradle to rock.                                    
                                                            
44793 NETWORKS                       Jim Weaver Collection    



Brad the cad loved his evening with Claire;                 
Now of losing his job he is scared.                         
Her e-billet doux,                                          
He shared with a few,                                       
Who shared, and who shared, and who shared.                 
                                                            
44794 NETWORKS                       Election 2000            



I'm not telling tales out of school;                        
You just have to think of this rule:                        
Could be me, maybe you,                                     
With a false name or two,                                   
Who get's kicks when another we fool.                       
                                                            
44795 NETWORKS                       Frank Fazed              



There once was a network technician,                        
Who read about DIY fission.                                 
But his ethernet blues,                                     
Caused him to blow a fuse,                                  
And he failed in his new fission mission!                   
                                                            
44796 NETWORKS                       Ian Lathwell             



To all of those people who fell                             
For Compuserve and AOL:                                     
Your bill is the tip-off;                                   
They're really a rip off!                                   
They can both go to Internet Hell!                          
                                                            
44797 NETWORKS                       Writerman                



My husbands glued to the screen!                            
My computer, overtaken has been!                            
He says he's not hooked,                                    
But if I'm not mistook,                                     
His protest is just a smoke-screen.                         
                                                            
44798 NETWORKS                       Julia                    



Spam spewing ignorant schmucks                              
Trying to suck up big bucks.                                
They haven't a clue                                         
When they spam me and you,                                  
That THIS is why AOL sucks.                                 
                                                            
44799 NETWORKS                       MrMalo                   



When the Info Highway comes to pass,                        
As usual, we'll discover, alas,                             
That the rich benefit,                                      
The poor suck hind tit,                                     
And it's paid for by our middle class.                      
                                                            
44800 NETWORKS                       James M. Menger     P9404



There are no limericks today.                               
My muse has gone away.                                      
My words will not rhyme;                                    
I have no more time,                                        
And the network is up anyway.                               
                                                            
44801 NETWORKS                                                



Since this game I have started to play,                     
My goal has been one post a day.                            
It's getting quite tough,                                   
I've run out of stuff,                                      
But I'm sure that I'll find a way.                          
                                                            
44802 NETWORKS                       Puff Adder               



I can't seem to get off the bubble;                         
At writing I'm having such trouble                          
With rhymes so obscene,                                     
Even those that are clean,                                  
But my efforts I promise to double.                         
                                                            
44803 NETWORKS                       Puff Adder               



I'm experiencing writer's block!                            
I seem to have run out of stock!                            
I waste too much time                                       
Searching for the right rhyme,                              
I think I'll just play with my cock.                        
                                                            
44804 NETWORKS                       Puff Adder               



There once was an Arpanet freak,                            
Who better response-time did seek.                          
He searched coast to coast,                                 
For a reliable host,                                        
Whose log-in took less than a week.                         
                                                            
44805 NETWORKS                                                



I hopped on that button like a bunny,                       
Not only to make TP money,                                  
But to post and see                                         
Our limericks for free:                                     
The good and the bad and the funny!                         
(TP - Toast Point Web Page has view ads button)             
44806 NETWORKS                       Friar                    



A gold mine is the new Info Path;                           
Head Start and the rich each get half.                      
The rest of the poor                                        
Can't get in the door,                                      
And the old middle class gets the shaft.                    
                                                            
44807 NETWORKS                       James M. Menger     P9404



E-commerce to us and our peers,                             
Is as mail-order to the pioneers.                           
R.I.P. Monkey Wards,                                        
Closing its doors                                           
After one hundred twenty-eight years.                       
                                                            
44808 NETWORKS                       Election 2000            



You can moan to your heart's desire,                        
And scream if your passion goes higher;                     
But for goodness sake                                       
I must take a break,                                        
I think that my keyboard's on fire.                         
                                                            
44809 NETWORKS                                                



Some guy (Can't remember; Who was he?)                      
Was arrested for logic too fuzzy.                           
He'd encountered a short                                    
In an ethernet port                                         
He had tried to connect to a SCSI.                          
                                                            
44810 NETWORKS                       Cybergeezer              



I sit in a computer lab                                     
Reading megabytes of gab.                                   
How long must I sit,                                        
I'm trying to quit                                          
Before I go stark raving mad.                               
                                                            
44811 NETWORKS                       Jim Weaver Collection    



It seems everyone's server sucks,                           
Although we all pay them big bucks.                         
'Cause they set the rules,                                  
They treat us like fools;                                   
I guess we're a crowd of dumb schmucks.                     
                                                            
44812 NETWORKS                       Archie                   



The Postmaster decries our E-mails,                         
And electronic greeting assails.                            
But we know for sure,                                       
His words will not cure                                     
Why US Mail is likened to snails.                           
                                                            
44813 NETWORKS                       Daniel Ford              



The Thirty Year's War was a long time ago.                  
It was difficult then to tell ally from foe.                
It just brings to mind,                                     
We must always be kind,                                     
If we want our fine network to grow.                        
                                                            
44814 NETWORKS                       The Weaver Collection    



My limerick web site is back.                               
I'm sure that you mourned it's lack                         
Of up-dated stuff.                                          
(Like folks in the buff)                                    
I'm trying to get back on track.                            
                                                            
44815 NETWORKS                                                



There once was a girl named Nancy,                          
Whose BBS I liked to fancy.                                 
Her Pix were all GIF                                        
That made me quite stiff,                                   
'Cause her Echo was written in ANSI.                        
                                                            
44816 NETWORKS                       Jim Weaver Collection    



A crook who used HTTP                                       
Was arrested, just ASAP                                     
Via HTML                                                    
He had read: "See this cell?"                               
W-Y-S-I-W-Y-G.                                              
                                                            
44817 NETWORKS                       Cybergeezer              



"Ladies" today can be found                                 
In bar rooms just hanging around;                           
There are plenty to meet,                                   
Even out on the street;                                     
In this newsgroup, of course, they abound.                  
                                                            
44818 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Back here writing Lims is our Eva;                          
Her skills make her our greatest Diva.                      
But after her prose                                         
And the talk of a rose,                                     
I'm really just after her beava!                            
                                                            
44819 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



In a newsgroup, for a while I will lurk,                    
Till I get a feel fo the work.                              
Then when I have the hang,                                  
I'll give it a bang,                                        
And hope they don't think I'm a jerk.                       
                                                            
44820 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Larry Brash              



Limericks have interested me for a while;                   
They always seem to give a smile.                           
This newgroup looks great,                                  
So I'll test out my fate,                                   
And see what you think of my style.                         
                                                            
44821 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Larry Brash              



Let me introduce myself to you;                             
Like Archie, I'm from down under too.                       
I work as a shrink.                                         
My God you must think                                       
Some psychobabble and crap is now due.                      
                                                            
44822 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Larry Brash              



I'm a bronzed Aussie guy called Larry;                      
I admit, it was thrice I did marry.                         
My time on the Net                                          
Nearly led me to debt,                                      
And my weight is more than I should carry.                  
                                                            
44823 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Larry Brash              



My surname is appropriately Brash,                          
And I ain't no poor white trash.                            
I hate that Bill Gates,                                     
We could never be mates,                                    
But I would love to have half his cash.                     
                                                            
44824 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Larry Brash              



To alt.anagrams I give much of my time,                     
But for a change I felt like a rhyme.                       
Now, before I go,                                           
You might like to know,                                     
That "limericks" anagrams to "silk crime."                  
                                                            
44825 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Larry Brash              



So I'll say farewell to you now,                            
Maybe take a celebratory bow.                               
I'll get out of your way,                                   
Till some other day,                                        
And to you, all I can say is "WOW!"                         
                                                            
44826 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Larry Brash              



I guess that it's not hard to tell                          
Why you're here and not in  A A L:                          
In there stuff is clean,                                    
Whereas here it's obscene                                   
And "clean" is today a hard sell.                           
                                                            
44827 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



When a newbie has browsed through the list                  
Of Newsgroups, he's sure to be pissed.                      
When he finds that you folks                                
Don't want any "jokes",                                     
And his posting gets flamed, booed, and hissed.             
                                                            
44828 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Barbara Tepper           



The solution requires some action:                          
Remove the word "jokes" from the caption;                   
Make it "alt.limericks" only                                
And then you will soon see                                  
An upgrade to your satisfaction.                            
                                                            
44829 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Barbara Tepper           



The name of our group is a filter                           
Serving well since the day that they built 'er.             
Somehow it works                                            
To keep out most jerks;                                     
I hate to knock that out of kilter.                         
                                                            
44830 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



Now, the limerick is not always lewd;                       
It is often insulting and rude.                             
The posters we lure,                                        
Lend relief if not cure                                     
From perversion and cows getting screwed.                   
                                                            
44831 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



I think, Barb, the answer is "no",                          
Why mess up a good status quo?                              
You'll notice our flamers                                   
Have most fun with lamers.                                  
(Especially Mr Malo)                                        
                                                            
44832 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



We don't flame a browser for looking,                       
But this group has a specific booking.                      
No Spam or prose jokes,                                     
'Cause that does provoke                                    
Us to give him a most severe hooking.                       
                                                            
44833 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              S C Saint                



The name of the Ed., 'Arthur Deex'                          
Is the most interesting one seen for weeks.                 
It intrigues one no little.                                 
One wonders if it'll                                        
Be surpassed if one hunts and one seeks?                    
(about the editor of Pentatette, limerick newsletter)       
44834 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



There once was a fellow named Deex,                         
Who enjoyed doing limerick critiques.                       
Here's the lesson of Troy,                                  
My pedantic schoolboy:                                      
"Beware of a gift bearing Greeks!"                          
(Arthur Deex editor of Pentatette, limerick newsletter)     
44835 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Bill Edwards        P9101



She brought along Jon and who else?                         
The AJL guys and the gals,                                  
And they had orgasms                                        
That left them in spasms                                    
Well into the new year -- what pals!                        
                                                            
44836 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



I've read all the regular crew                              
And a few who appear to be new;                             
Thank god there were loads,                                 
Indeed oodles of odes,                                      
And my brain is now mushy as stew.                          
                                                            
44837 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



For woe and alas and alack,                                 
I thought I was starting to crack,                          
And losing my touch                                         
Due to working too much,                                    
But it seems my insanity's back.                            
                                                            
44838 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Sister Chris is still chewing on dicks,                     
And Travis with whores gets his kicks.                      
Carol and Jon are still screwing,                           
Par is still in here spewing,                               
And dear Peter is still King of Pricks.                     
                                                            
44839 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Hideout was browsin' the news,                              
For enlightenment through different views,                  
When a wrong turn he took                                   
And was caught by the hook.                                 
Now limericks are the language he spews!                    
                                                            
44840 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Hideout                  



Perhaps just a party of five...                             
Atop a huge bed we would writhe.                            
Charl, Toast, Og, and Stan                                  
And Anonymous Man,                                          
But Wumpus would thrash me alive!                           
                                                            
44841 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



So as we allude to our Goal                                 
Remember "The Sacred Spoo-Pole".                            
My name is Choad King                                       
'Cause I've got the Thing                                   
That all the Wisewomen extol.                               
                                                            
44842 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Humbly I try just to compete                                
Amongst the old AJL fleet.                                  
Though I ain't too old,                                     
I sure can be bold,                                         
And stand up on my own two feet.                            
                                                            
44843 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



A.J.L., that sounds a fun group.                            
Full of people who hold in their poop.                      
They're so constipated                                      
And infrequently dated,                                     
Their dicks have a permanent droop.                         
                                                            
44844 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Roger Mann               



Doctor Limerick is all in a snit,                           
He insists that our scan be legit.                          
Geez, he sound more to me,                                  
Like a crusty JD,                                           
Than a courtly old Dr. of Litt.                             
                                                            
44845 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              No. 2               P9112



Doctor Limerick's a mate of Perot,                          
And we shudder, but it's really so.                         
Doctor Limerick, you see,                                   
Ross will pick as VP,                                       
To make his popularity grow.                                
(Doctor Limerick is Arthur Deex, classmate of Ross Perot)   
44846 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Arthur Deex         P9207



It's just on a year since I fell,                           
In this den of a poetic hell.                               
The things that I spied,                                    
Made my eyes open wide,                                     
I was trapped now in group A.J.L.                           
                                                            
44847 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



The verses I saw were pure art,                             
(Though H calls them just a mind fart,)                     
Though my own stuff was bad,                                
I knew that I had                                           
To join in and play me a part.                              
                                                            
44848 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Inspiring me here in this game,                             
Were plenty I thought I would name.                         
But some I'd forget,                                        
And it's quite a safe bet,                                  
I'd miss some, and get me a flame.                          
                                                            
44849 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



There is, though, one A.J.L treasure,                       
Whom thanks I must give without measure.                    
She stands so serene,                                       
Suffering all things obscene.                               
Our Bessie, who gives us much pleasure.                     
                                                            
44850 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Hey guys, it's me, bulbie, I'm back!                        
Been tied down, please cut me some slack.                   
Forgot how to limmer,                                       
(This bulb's gotten dimmer).                                
Could someone please repost that FAQ?                       
                                                            
44851 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Lightbulb                



It's certainly been a long while                            
Since I came here to rave and defile                        
And spew forth pervers-                                     
Ities, swearing and worse --                                
Why, I'm tongue-tied and shy as a chile.                    
                                                            
44852 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Anon                     



I'm glad to see limerick chums,                             
And I recognise plenty of bums,                             
And an ancient old scrote                                   
Looking just like a goat's,                                 
As familiar to me as they come.                             
                                                            
44853 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Anon                     



I bring greetings to all of you here;                       
I'm a new guy you all should revere.                        
Take the group on by storm                                  
You will see I'm not norm,                                  
But I promise to bring lots of beer!                        
                                                            
44854 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



A kink it's most certianly not;                             
We AJL girlies are hot.                                     
Can cure all your ills                                      
Without any pills,                                          
Just by using our little pink twats.                        
                                                            
44855 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Your pecker is healthy and stiff                            
Come here and take a big whiff                              
Of pussy so rosy,                                           
Fragrant for your nosy,                                     
You'll discharge your jizz in a jiff.                       
                                                            
44856 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



You poured me a drink so splendid                           
I truly loved what you then did:                            
Chewed on my sausage;                                       
Then held me hostage.                                       
Tonguing my ear; you intended.                              
                                                            
44857 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



To get me so utterly hot,                                   
I'd then explode right on the spot.                         
As you lick and suck,                                       
My lobes I will shuck                                       
Your corn with this shucker I've got.                       
                                                            
44858 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Then once I have ground all your grain                      
And you've made me wholly insane,                           
We can make tortillas                                       
To eat with sangria                                         
And we can start cooking again.                             
                                                            
44859 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



I just dropped in on a whim,                                
And instantly started to grin.                              
The wit here is mighty                                      
And the subjects so flighty,                                
I can hardly wait to begin.                                 
                                                            
44860 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Bob Curtis               



My question "What makes Irv superior?"                      
Perhaps you may look on as eerier.                          
Is it he can't ignore                                       
And loves to explore                                        
The depths of a woman's interior?                           
                                                            
44861 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jane D. Hughes      P9101



No, your eyes don't deceive you, I'm back,                  
'Cause my life had a definite lack.                         
So come on now, get flirty,                                 
I want to talk dirty!                                       
Can I settle in here and unpack?                            
                                                            
44862 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jeanie                   



Well, it's sure good meeting you here,                      
'Cause I heard you were kidnapped last year,                
By some sex-starved Aussie,                                 
Who thought you real saucy,                                 
And forced you to service his spear!                        
                                                            
44863 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Carol                    



It was true I visited Oz,                                   
But the fact is, I went there because                       
I was fed up with pining                                    
For warmth and sun-shining.                                 
It's a sure way to beat Winter Blahs.                       
                                                            
44864 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jeanie                   



You're back -- that's a good thing to know;                 
Those guys would prefer your front show.                    
I'm not going to flirt,                                     
But I will dish the dirt;                                   
That Jeanie, she never said "No!"                           
                                                            
44865 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Marlene Lewis            



She's back but I do think I ought ter                       
Beware of her snitch of a daughter.                         
When she'd spot my wank,                                    
She'd go tell Big Frank,                                    
And I was the lamb to the slaughter.                        
                                                            
44866 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Frank                    



I thought of that chance by myself                          
But I'll not let it keep me on the shelf.                   
She can Google and pry                                      
With a cynical eye,                                         
But I've got some good stuff on herself.                    
                                                            
44867 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jeanie                   



Her life then was dreary and bland;                         
She was seeking her world to expand.                        
With her wedding she's busy,                                
In a virtual tizzy,                                         
E-bay's caught her attention first hand.                    
                                                            
44868 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jeanie                   



You find what you read here too crass?                      
This ain't quite a neat bible class.                        
If you can't stand the heat,                                
Make a hasty retreat,                                       
Before our front door hits your ass.                        
                                                            
44869 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Dirruk                   



I said that I've seen -- not been with.                     
Descriptions by H are not myth.                             
That sweet rapscallion --                                   
Built like a stallion,                                      
With muscles just like a blacksmith!                        
                                                            
44870 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



My dear, it's not jokes that you read                       
In here with this limerick breed.                           
It's mainly seduction                                       
And feminine suction,                                       
That gives us all just what we need.                        
                                                            
44871 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Archie                   



There's something that seems mighty strange;                
Is Travis still home on the range.                          
Have Cyber and Marty                                        
Both found a new party,                                     
Or have they come down with the mange?                      
                                                            
44872 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Observer                 



An emptiness wells up inside,                               
For fear that their muses have died.                        
So should we feel spurned                                   
Or even concerned,                                          
Or should we just let it all slide?                         
                                                            
44873 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Observer                 



Have Peter and Matthew both fled;                           
Their muses, perhaps too, are dead?                         
And how 'bout Goin2;                                        
Is she down with the flu?                                   
Are presumptions just filling my head?                      
                                                            
44874 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Observer                 



And what of sweet Jeanie and Kitten;                        
Are they both no longer lim-smitten?                        
'Twould be a great sin                                      
If they don't check in;                                     
To hear from all these, would be fittin'.                   
                                                            
44875 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Observer                 



I've been busy as a whirling dervish,                       
What with two growing kids I must nourish.                  
I've got chores galore,                                     
Though I'd like to lim more,                                
So I'll write one right now with a flourish.                
                                                            
44876 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jeanie                   



I like to drop by here and view                             
The rhymes of the A.J.L. crew.                              
Responding I find,                                          
One hell of a grind,                                        
For lims that are basically poo.                            
                                                            
44877 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Goin2                    



It isn't as all of you fear;                                
I'm just back from getting some rear.                       
I have time to play                                         
In our limerick way,                                        
So I think I'll just slide one in here.                     
                                                            
44878 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Cyber Wizard             



But Marty, I fear, has been busy;                           
Her job's keeping her in a tizzy.                           
When through, though, real soon,                            
She'll cause us to swoon,                                   
As long as Par's not back. Is he?                           
                                                            
44879 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Cyber Wizard             



I've noticed their absence, as well,                        
And it bothers me half way to hell.                         
But I don't feel spurned,                                   
Nor get my bridges burned.                                  
Where are they.  I guess time will tell.                    
                                                            
44880 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Liam na Beag             



My muse is asleep on the couch.                             
I've been there with sprained ankle.  Ach!  Ouch!           
For the past month I've rolled                              
Quilling paper - not fold.                                  
While I'm there, I don't sleep and don't slouch.            
                                                            
44881 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Hilde na Beag            



You're right Lou, there's very slim picken's.               
There ain't no one here but us chickens.                    
And GMO grain  (genetically modified organism)              
Is bad for the brain,                                       
So the rest of the beasts need some kickin's.               
                                                            
44882 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Tiddy Ogg                



Genetically modified grain                                  
Is said to cause harm to the brain.                         
And I suppose it's smart                                    
If I do my part,                                            
So therefore I think I'll abstain.                          
                                                            
44883 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Observer                 



I feel I've made a great stride                             
To've been shown the light from inside                      
The Alphabet jungle.                                        
I'll take care not to bungle                                
And get me all bloated with pride.                          
                                                            
44884 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Liam na Beag             



As a pen-name, Nooky is grand,                              
But the one that makes my pecker stand                      
Is Monique De Plume                                         
From the "squeaky-clean room".                              
(I typed this with only one hand!)                          
                                                            
44885 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Malo I thought was top dog,                             
Though maybe it's more he's a frog                          
Who's able to muddle                                        
About in a puddle,                                          
The best of his breed in this bog.                          
                                                            
44886 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



Say, MrMalo, are you well?                                  
I've not seen your verse for a spell.                       
Already our turf's                                          
Being fouled by the surf-                                   
iet of Spammers you're not giving Hell.                     
                                                            
44887 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



MrMalo, please, are you OK?                                 
You've been missing many a day.                             
Your pithy wit                                              
Helps cut through the shit,                                 
And keeps jerks like this one at bay.                       
                                                            
44888 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



The hottest spot in cyberspace,                             
So hot that it makes the pulse race                         
At limerick speed;                                          
That's just what I need;                                    
Tell me folks, am I in the right place?                     
                                                            
44889 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Limericks just spill from my brain.                         
Why? I cannot explain.                                      
I'm joining LIMSIG                                          
'Cause I need folks who dig.                                
My wife thinks I am insane.                                 
                                                            
44890 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Roberts        P9211



It's here that I feel I belong;                             
Other newsgroups feel oh so wrong.                          
I hope you accept me                                        
And in time you will see                                    
My witty, my humour, my dong.                               
                                                            
44891 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



The group here is JOKES limericks,                          
Though sometimes we're known to be pricks                   
On spammers and those                                       
Who post only prose,                                        
And occasional sick lunatics.                               
                                                            
44892 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



For a newbie your limericks are fine                        
For the Jokes group, but they draw the line                 
On explicit sex,                                            
The R and the S,                                            
In the ARTS group, which rarely sees mine.                  
                                                            
44893 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              John Miller              



I'd love to screw Charlotte so sweet;                       
Her pussy's my fantasy treat.                               
So when Ogden and Stan                                      
Try to fight man-to-man,                                    
She and I will be warmed by love's heat.                    
                                                            
44894 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



While Og and Stan sang Charlotte's praises,                 
I bought an inflatable gal from Macy's.                     
Not to much of a spastic,                                   
But them hooters, elastic;                                  
She was punctured and pushes up daisies.                    
                                                            
44895 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



At first Og ignored this guy Stan,                          
But now he's annoyed with the man.                          
Stan, write more about me,                                  
You asshole, and see                                        
Og make the shit hit the fan.                               
                                                            
44896 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



This flame war of Ogden and Stan                            
Will fill up a huge garbage can.                            
From motives of spite,                                      
Their limericks have bite                                   
And are equally easy to pan.                                
                                                            
44897 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Our Ogden is no Ogden Nash;                                 
His limericks border on trash.                              
It's clear that his verse                                   
About Nancy the nurse,                                      
He wrote with his nose in her gash!                         
                                                            
44898 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



While Anonymous rapes the fair Charl,                       
Stan and Og ride up on a Harl,                              
And since we both hate him,                                 
We debowel and castrate him;                                
Anonymous, you raped the wrong girl!                        
                                                            
44899 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



If Charl were to stand by her man,                          
Would it be for Ogden or Stan?                              
Now there's a third one                                     
Who asks to be called Hon...                                
Her turn to give him a glan(ce).                            
                                                            
44900 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Our Charlotte deservces highest praise                      
For being the hottest of lays,                              
But Ogden and Stanley                                       
Both sound very manly,                                      
Intriguing to some of us gays!                              
                                                            
44901 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



While Ogden and Stanley are fighting,                       
Sweet Charl to my bed, I'm inviting.                        
We'll fuck and give head                                    
On the floor or in bed,                                     
And then we'll fuck more. Sounds exciting?                  
                                                            
44902 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Now Arthur has deigned to reveal                            
His plan for approving, with seal,                          
Those web sites galore                                      
That Newt would abhor;                                      
Won't Clinton's young girlfriends all squeal!               
                                                            
44903 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Where's Pete? Where has he gone?                            
Stolen without a gun?                                       
Did he let out a whelp?                                     
Does he need any help?                                      
Has the search for the poor guy begun?                      
                                                            
44904 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Nik Synytskyy            



Pete's working, not playing with mice;                      
Ansell is the firm, it is nice --                           
He is off a-testing                                         
(And with lots of nesting)                                  
Their new contraceptive device.                             
                                                            
44905 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Archie                   



Good grief, I will go get me ladder                         
To look close - I think I am gladder -                      
Me old mate's come back,                                    
He's out of the sack -                                      
Ol' one eye, who writes as Puff Adder.                      
                                                            
44906 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Hello folks all, it's long time no see;                     
For the work has been up to my knee.                        
To the boys: Well, I'm back,                                
Hope you haven't grown slack.                               
Happy B-day to Pet and Marteee.                             
                                                            
44907 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Anyway, now the term has begun                              
I'm am eager to study and run                               
To the lectures each day                                    
Where I'm not shy to say,                                   
The lookout for cute lads is fun.                           
                                                            
44908 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



I've missed all you gents, don't you know?                  
I've fond memories from long ago.                           
It's time to stop lurking                                   
And get down to working                                     
A year's long enough a furlough.                            
                                                            
44909 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jeanie                   



Once, this place was full of females;                       
Some small and some as big as whales.                       
Perhaps they got bored,                                     
And struck a new chord,                                     
Elsewhere...let's just check the details.                   
                                                            
44910 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Carol                    



But look, what relief, now you're back,                     
To pick up the AJL lack,                                    
Of girls, now I'm sure,                                     
Between us we'll lure,                                      
Someone for a nice tasty snack.                             
                                                            
44911 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Carol                    



To come back to the group AJL,                              
Where I know well just the type of hell                     
That is raised in this place,                               
Full of style, flair and grace,                             
And in truth, where I'm used to the smell.                  
                                                            
44912 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jeanie                   



Now Rita, may I say quite smugly,                           
I knew your response would be ugly.                         
Sweet words ain't your nature                               
And I'll bet you hate your                                  
Own mother, who neither was snugly.                         
(feminist Rita left AJL pissed about sexists rapers etc)    
44913 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Observer                 



And Rita, I think it's my duty                              
To tell you that you're being snooty.                       
You're obdurately being rude;                               
Take your bad attitude,                                     
And shove it right up your patootie.                        
                                                            
44914 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Observer                 



Hey Rita, is that you there, lurking,                       
To see if we're busily working                              
At writing our lims,                                        
'Bout bat prose and quims?                                  
Please rest assured, dear, we're not shirking.              
                                                            
44915 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Travis Brasell           



A limerick often tells a tale                               
Of antics 'tween female and male.                           
If more women wrote 'em,                                    
Then maybe the scrotum                                      
Would be AJL's holy grail.                                  
                                                            
44916 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



There once was a fellow named Stan                          
Whose words were so hot that I'd fan.                       
But try as I may...                                         
I admit, yes I say...                                       
My pussy was hot for that man!                              
                                                            
44917 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Stan's poetry gives me the willies;                         
About me, he's written some dillies!                        
Mean spirited stuff --                                      
Well, Og's had enough --                                    
That heel has found my Achilles!                            
                                                            
44918 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Jim Weaver Collection    



Where's Thomas A. Quinine, I fear                           
That it wasn't a limerick year;                             
It appears from our checks,                                 
He changed all but his sex,                                 
Though the facts of the matter aren't clear.                
                                                            
44919 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              C. Webster Wheelock P8601



Tiddy compares with a donkey,                               
But it seems that he is a monkey,                           
With a cute bare ass                                        
As a chimpanzee has,                                        
And Ogg's prick is very much less swanky.                   
                                                            
44920 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Anon                     



Three long years have I been away;                          
Thought back here I could come to play.                     
Politics, oh my!                                            
Is that what I spy?                                         
Imagine my immense dismay.                                  
                                                            
44921 NETWORKS - A.J.L.                                       



Though I'm not around much to play,                         
(I've been busy elsewhere) but hey,                         
I miss all you guys,                                        
The wit and the lies,                                       
Keep me lurking here by the Bay.                            
                                                            
44922 NETWORKS - A.J.L.              Anon                     



A creature of high cyber-space                              
With ugliness and perverse taste,                           
It always waits on-line                                     
For us mortals to dine;                                     
Butt ugly, it must hide its face.                           
                                                            
44923 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Cybersex is one thing I have done.                          
Great fun when it's just one on one.                        
But beware what you say,                                    
As it might be a gay,                                       
Pretending to be female for fun.                            
                                                            
44924 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Funny Bone               



It seems cybersex has its attractions,                      
In lieu of more carnal distractions.                        
But the feel of real skin                                   
Is more my kind of sin.                                     
Cybersex gives me words but no actions.                     
                                                            
44925 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



When working without her apparel                            
You have to remember that Carol                             
Checks Travis's courses                                     
Because he has horses,                                      
But comes with Jon's tongue in her barrel.                  
                                                            
44926 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Archie                   



A girl, after a tad too much wine,                          
Was arrested for rhyming with nine.                         
She said, "Judge, you're so cute!                           
I'll just have to reboot!                                   
But I do adore coming on-line.                              
                                                            
44927 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



A sex-loving coed named Bree,                               
Caught the clap from her Apple IIe.                         
The joystick, she found,                                    
Had been fooling around                                     
With a neighboring student's PC.                            
                                                            
44928 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



It is certain to happen perforce                            
That for pleasure they'll be a new source                   
And a time and a place                                      
Somewhere in cyberspace,                                    
To have computerized intercourse.                           
                                                            
44929 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Loren Fitzhugh      P0102



You guys build such symbolic heat,                          
Your flesh and blood tool can't compete.                    
It's sad but it's true,                                     
Sex with you just won't do.                                 
So continue beating your meat.                              
                                                            
44930 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Ah reckoned that limeys y'all were,                         
'Cause yer grasp of the tongue was pro-PER.                 
I'm a yankee in Texas                                       
Who craves Carol's sex. Sis-                                
Sified dudes with beers ain't fer her!                      
                                                            
44931 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



On the internet, "Cybersex Gertie,"                         
Seeks men; each week twenty or thirty.                      
This use of computers                                       
In searching for suitors,                                   
She tells in her book, "Dick and QWERTY."                   
                                                            
44932 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Bob Giandomenico    P9803



My new girlfriend came on CD-ROM,                           
She's pretty and her name is Dawn.                          
I know I can't touch her                                    
Or kiss her or fuck her,                                    
I'm submissive and she is the Dom.                          
                                                            
44933 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



While sheep are quite fun for my spear,                     
I hope that your lingerie's sheer.                          
I'll take you in hand,                                      
Caressing you and                                           
Edwina, I'll try not to leer.                               
(Edwina Leer, limerick author)                              
44934 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



A young lad went at it over the Net,                        
Only to find his keyboard getting wet.                      
He typed to his lovebunny                                   
"I love you honey."                                         
But it came out as "I poke your knee" through the sweat.    
                                                            
44935 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



Seems a cyber friend's not hard to find;                    
Breaks the drag of the afternoon grind.                     
A fun little tryst                                          
With a limerick twist,                                      
Has me going quite out of my mind.                          
                                                            
44936 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Robyn                    



A computer nerd got on the net,                             
And said, "I haven't had cybersex yet."                     
But she wasn't desirious,                                   
She gave him a virus,                                       
And told him, "That's all that you'll get!"                 
                                                            
44937 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Peter, that romp I adored!                                  
My God -- you're still stiff as a board!                    
You need a good lap lick --                                 
I'll just get my Chapstick;                                 
Now come here and get your reward!                          
                                                            
44938 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Ericka                   



Ginger, come sit on my face!                                
I won't get my nose out of place!                           
It's pointed and long,                                      
And shaped like a schlong,                                  
And can move at a very quick pace!                          
                                                            
44939 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Yes, Ginger arrived on the scene.                           
She's toting a jar -- Vaseline.                             
She's checking out Marty                                    
To start up the party,                                      
'Cause she needs a fucking machine!                         
                                                            
44940 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Naughty Poets, rejoice: Ginger's back!                      
Her pussy's the spice our lives lack!                       
Her hot, sultry rhymes                                      
Made me come several times --                               
No one else is her match in the sack!                       
                                                            
44941 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Ginger's back, yes, I've seen it quite often,               
As she knelt and her ass I was boffin'.                     
Though it was only a dream,                                 
That babe made me scream --                                 
I nearly ended up in a coffin!                              
                                                            
44942 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Computers, said scientist Muller,                           
Would pick a fine bride for young Tuller.                   
The machine took his data                                   
But spewed out errata,                                      
For he got the wrong size, sex and color.                   
                                                            
44943 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Albin Chaplin   3024-2715



She said that she'd come to my house,                       
So I started to work on her blouse.                         
She said, "Be my tutor,                                     
And teach me computer."                                     
And I said, "Well, look, hold this mouse."                  
                                                            
44944 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Al Willis           T9801



There was a man on the Internet;                            
There were few girls he hadn't tried yet.                   
He figured he'd laid,                                       
(Not counting an aide),                                     
Half of all of the women he'd met.                          
                                                            
44945 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



Some cybersex satyrs, no doubt,                             
From time to time get tuckered out;                         
When  the tool is a limp                                    
And dehydrated shrimp;                                      
New postings revive the old spout!                          
                                                            
44946 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



While computer advances are fine,                           
I am worried about their design.                            
When we link two machines,                                  
Should we say that it means,                                
They're engaged in a 360/9?                                 
(360 is the model number of an IBM mainframe)               
44947 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



I'll hack at the art of the pun;                            
A cybersex bout is more fun;                                
But it's over so soon,                                      
I await next full moon;                                     
Coito, et ergo sum; done!                                   
                                                            
44948 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



Have you heard the word "cybersex" yet?                     
It means having sex on the net.                             
It's fun and exciting,                                      
Putting passions in writing,                                
And no social disease can you get.                          
                                                            
44949 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Writerman                



No innocent babes reside here.                              
We're lewd, we're crude and drink beer.                     
You'd best close your eyes                                  
While Jon parts my thighs,                                  
And I give a suck to his spear.                             
                                                            
44950 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Carol                    



Ms. Nooky, your mere name inspires                          
The outbreak of sexual fires!                               
So this humble man begs                                     
You to open your legs,                                      
And satify all your desires.                                
                                                            
44951 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



A snappy computer named Indy                                
Designed a companion named Mindy.                           
Soon her silicon grin                                       
Led to virtual sin.                                         
And now there's a daughtercard, Cindy.                      
                                                            
44952 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Larry Dahl               



I'm searching the net to discover                           
A hot single cybersex lover.                                
Someone far away                                            
Who just wants to play,                                     
And get off one way or another.                             
                                                            
44953 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Frank Spectra            



If one feather's all that you're wearin',                   
I'm certain that you guys are starin'.                      
In your bed I'll tuck ya                                    
And then I will pluck ya,                                   
And with no one else am I sharin'...                        
                                                            
44954 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



Hello, Allen dear, have you missed                          
Our fun little cybersex tryst?                              
I'm sure that you thought                                   
I was gone...'twas no plot                                  
But a phone line that went on the fritz!                    
                                                            
44955 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



If this babe will agree with my notion,                     
Do you think it will cause a commotion                      
To film our embrace,                                        
Post the file in this place,                                
So you Brits can wank off 'cross the ocean?                 
                                                            
44956 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



There once was a young lad from Quartz,                     
Who wanted all ladies down his shorts.                      
He begged and he pleaded,                                   
But his gonads were unneeded,                               
For no ladies could get through the ports.                  
                                                            
44957 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a hacker named Cyrus,                        
Who was always sexually desirous.                           
But when he fiddled his Wang,                               
It would sadly just hang,                                   
His software possessed by a virus!                          
                                                            
44958 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            John Chastaine      T9710



A computer programmer named Rex,                            
Said viruses can be complex.                                
If you ever share,                                          
Someone else's software,                                    
Be sure to practice safe hex.                               
                                                            
44959 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Misty Dragon             



Since Web sex has swept o'er the nation,                    
There's a decrease in our procreation.                      
Erotic computers                                            
Displaying those hooters,                                   
Seduce males to ejaculation.                                
                                                            
44960 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



I want a nude shot, a full frontal                          
One pic of your tits and your cunt'll                       
Do nice for a start,                                        
To arouse my male part,                                     
And then I want you horizuntal.                             
                                                            
44961 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Gearhart                 



Hey, Gearhart, I've taken in my loo                         
Some photos of Carol -- least two!                          
I'd send you a copy                                         
But both are quite sloppy                                   
And yellowed and sticky from goo!                           
                                                            
44962 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Travis Brasell           



Gearhart, are you out of your mind?                         
Nowhere on this Earth will you find                         
A nude pic of me,                                           
'Less you pay a fee                                         
Like Travis, he kissed my behind.                           
                                                            
44963 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Carol                    



Your fee was well worth it, my dear.                        
(Though paying it took nigh a year.)                        
But I will expend                                           
Much more if you'll send                                    
That pic with my dick up your rear.                         
                                                            
44964 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Travis                   



I'm blonde, honey, but I am no fool;                        
I won't depart with that, but you'll                        
Be filled with delight.                                     
I'll send it tonight --                                     
Shots of you with Mable the mule.                           
                                                            
44965 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Carol                    



That picture of Mable and me                                
Is great, but I think it should be                          
Enjoyed, you dearheart,                                     
So send it to Gearhart,                                     
Who'll gasp when he learns it's cost-free!                  
                                                            
44966 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Travis Brasell           



A Silicon Valley recruiter                                  
Met a DOS-friendly lass and pursued her;                    
Her slot for his card                                       
Turned his floppy to hard,                                  
Redefining the "RAM" in computer!                           
                                                            
44967 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Rowdy Jack               



A fine young university tutor                               
Fed his sex history to a computer.                          
Due to pulse-circuit stalls,                                
It reprogrammed his balls,                                  
And he found himself totally neuter.                        
                                                            
44968 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                G2060



There is no safe sex on the net,                            
On this fact you surely can bet.                            
Screwed a girl on the screen                                
And ruptured my spleen;                                     
The glass is not out of me yet.                             
                                                            
44969 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



A lad lusted after his tutor,                               
Who tutored him on the computer.                            
Her talents computable                                      
Made her unscrutable,                                       
Up to the day that he screwed her.                          
                                                            
44970 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Stargazer                



If you're squeamish about sex and yet                       
Your kids need information, you bet.                        
There's a way, when they're through,                        
They'll know more than you.                                 
Let them access the old Internet.                           
                                                            
44971 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9604



The sixty-ninth way we've achieved,                         
So good I'd have never believed.                            
That she'd suck my 'nads,                                   
Out the end with my lads;                                   
Both the swimmers and nuts she received.                    
                                                            
44972 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jon Gearhart             



Sylvia's taken her pick; she                                
Is fondling WriterMan's dick. He                            
Just caught a good whiff                                    
Of her exquisite quiff                                      
And -- Damn! He just gave me a hickey!                      
                                                            
44973 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



I like chicks who dig sex very much;                        
It appears that our Sylvie is such.                         
She'll get in between us                                    
And bring off each penis                                    
With her mouth and her twat and her touch!                  
                                                            
44974 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Sylvie's challenge has been seen and noted                  
And her muff tastes great candy-coated.                     
So if you like sweets,                                      
While your betwixt the sheets --                            
Better do what the young lady wroted.                       
                                                            
44975 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



Sweetheart, on ice, your champagne.                         
The moon shines on the window pane.                         
Some music, my P?                                           
Classical CD?                                               
Now give me your wrists to restrain.                        
                                                            
44976 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



My dear Lady Jane, it's platonic.                           
It has to be. We're telephonic.                             
But after what's said...                                    
Cold shower and bed.                                        
Or sleep neath a sheet that is conic.                       
                                                            
44977 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Irving Superior     P9105



I see that the Tongueman is back;                           
His posting has really been slack.                          
I guess he's been off                                       
With Carol to boff,                                         
And licking and lapping her crack.                          
                                                            
44978 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



On the internet they found romance,                         
That put both in a hot sexual trance.                       
But each had a gripe,                                       
About having to type,                                       
With a hand stuck down into their pants.                    
                                                            
44979 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



Then stop while I get out the tethers                       
Of silk and the handcuffs of leathers.                      
You'll look irresist-                                       
able tied by the wrist,                                     
As I stroke your dear petals with feathers.                 
                                                            
44980 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



An eager young hacker named Gus,                            
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.                                 
The hardware went bad,                                      
But not the young lad.                                      
(Except for the toupee and the truss)                       
He didn't expect all that fuss.                             
44981 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



A seafaring hacker named Slatey,                            
Went to bed with a VAX/780.                                 
The thing learned to swear                                  
With a nautical air,                                        
And refers to its users as "matey".                         
                                                            
44982 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



A net-savvy zoo used Veronica                               
To search Gopherspace for fur-otica.                        
But try as he might,                                        
No fur was in sight,                                        
Just a girl having sex with harmonicas.                     
                                                            
44983 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jim Weaver Collection    



An amorous young poet named Kline                           
Wrote some poems to a maiden on-line.                       
He extolled both her hooters                                
To on-line computers,                                       
But his verses were all asinine.                            
                                                            
44984 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX                                     



I've been lurking here for awhile                           
Enjoying your limerick style.                               
Will my 42D's                                               
Be teased and be pleased?                                   
And will tongues lick my vertical smile?                    
                                                            
44985 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Jennifer                 



Now phone sex, I figure is dead.                            
The operator came on, instead.                              
"Although you're erect,                                     
You must disconnect.                                        
Three minutes are over," she said.                          
                                                            
44986 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Virtual sex would never corrupt us,                         
But now I've had computis interruptus.                      
I'm down on all fours,                                      
Trying to find my own drawers,                              
Still reeling from disconnectis abruptus.                   
                                                            
44987 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Ericka                   



Sylvie adores her computer,                                 
As it serves forth each virtual suitor.                     
They diddle with text;                                      
What will they say next                                     
With their limericks lewder and lewder.                     
                                                            
44988 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Sylvie                   



The stuff, the internet's bane,                             
Phone sex! S & M! Pain!                                     
Telecivious lusting,                                        
It's simply disgusting.                                     
(What was that number again?)                               
                                                            
44989 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            MrMalo                   



Nymphomaniacal Deb                                          
Became an Internet celeb.                                   
The computer guys                                           
With whom she lies                                          
Call her pussy "The World Wide Web."                        
                                                            
44990 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX            Tom Patton          P9603



Through frogs, through boils and through warts,             
Carol still calls us all good sports.                       
He titties, she flaunts;                                    
Like spirits they haunt.                                    
If I'm ever caught -- divorce court!                        
                                                            
44991 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02       Christopher Kraft        



This Carol inspires many queries;                           
'Bout her intimate needs we have theories.                  
One thing we agree:                                         
If we scored, it would be                                   
A home run in the carnal world series!                      
                                                            
44992 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02       RanDog                   



While your pink meat has delight                            
From my Mr Diddle all night,                                
My tongue will explore                                      
Your mouth and much more,                                   
Those nipples both left and the right.                      
                                                            
44993 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



When morning comes round, my sweet fawn,                    
I'll invert directions upon                                 
Your sweet little frame;                                    
Then my tongue will aim                                     
To seek out your sweet crack of dawn!                       
                                                            
44994 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



Oh, virtual sex is the best,                                
As the ladies 'round here will attest;                      
There's never a marking                                     
That is left by the sparking,                               
Nor a mess on your dress by the guest.                      
                                                            
44995 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



So join me with jaunty abandon,                             
Now knowing there won't be a brand on                       
Your cowgirlish rump,                                       
From a virtual hump                                         
With this burning hot iron I've my hand on.                 
                                                            
44996 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



A spice girl and her hubby, Becks,                          
I've heard do not like cybersex.                            
Though cheaper than phoning,                                
You can't hear the moaning                                  
And the grunt as he comes in his kecks!                     
                                                            
44997 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



"Kecks" I've not heard of before;                           
"Becks" was once known as "Lenore".                         
Changing her name                                           
Left her much the same;                                     
She's still a spiced cybersex whore.                        
                                                            
44998 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



With cyber sex, though you may beg                          
For a warm place to bury your peg,                          
With your mind all in clover,                               
Just what you get over                                      
'S your fantasies and not your leg.                         
                                                            
44999 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



I find it extremely  frustrating                            
And cyber-sex I'll not be rating,                           
'Cause to know that he would                                
Just is not any good,                                       
When I need my appetite sating!                             
                                                            
45000 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02                                



A young lass nmaed LoriAnne                                 
Wrote who she wants a man,                                  
With a nice rod                                             
To shove in her bod.                                        
And like magic, POOF, here I am.                            
                                                            
45001 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02       Gearhart                 



I'd be careful with POOF, my dear friend.                   
You never know how it might end.                            
For your limerick wit                                       
Might be read by a Brit,                                    
Who backwards is happy to bend.                             
                                                            
45002 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 02       Gearhart                 



May I have a word with you, Liz?                            
I just have a short "Archie" quiz.                          
You say that his whip                                       
Is not worth the trip?                                      
All he uses it for is to whiz?                              
                                                            
45003 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Ericka                   



That it's shrivelled and fading away?                       
It gets smaller and smaller each day?                       
When you go to bed,                                         
He forgets how to head?                                     
And you can't get an instant replay?                        
                                                            
45004 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Ericka                   



Oh Liz, you poor starving girl --                           
What you need is a sexual whirl --                          
A ten menute trick                                          
With H's big stick,                                         
Will put your skirt in a twirl!                             
                                                            
45005 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Ericka                   



Of all of the men who here ply                              
Their wares at all girls passing by,                        
My hero is Frank.                                           
He'd get a lip-wank;                                        
For him I'd take out my glass eye.                          
                                                            
45006 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Aunt Mabel               



Although he hangs clipped, I don't care;                    
He can slip in what's left anywhere.                        
My hairy pink-mary                                          
Will be his love fairy;                                     
Its spells will dispel his despair.                         
                                                            
45007 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Aunt Mabel               



My dear, your eyes have that twinkle,                       
With those cute laugh lines which crinkle                   
Whenever you giggle.                                        
Now, plese don't wriggle...                                 
Have I got my thing in a wrinkle?                           
                                                            
45008 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Frank Fazed              



Our regular in-and-out motion                               
Of thrustful and lustful emotion,                           
Is causing the heat                                         
And commotion, my sweet,                                    
In this rocking and rollicking ocean.                       
                                                            
45009 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Peter Wilkins            



I can't get enough of your nips                             
Or the way you're gyrating your hips,                       
And caressing my thighs.                                    
Can you feel something rise                                 
And lubriciously nudge at your lips?                        
                                                            
45010 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Peter Wilkins            



Your petals are hot and on fire                             
And I burn with erotic desire,                              
As our bodies entwine                                       
In fulfillment divine....                                   
Is this cultured enough? I enquire.                         
                                                            
45011 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Peter Wilkins            



I'm new to this stuff "cybersex".                           
I wonder if it is complex?                                  
Do lovers oft meet                                          
In chat rooms discrete?                                     
Do they use MS Word or just Hex?                            
                                                            
45012 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Buzzard                  



Don't confuse cybersex just with lovers,                    
For love is left under the covers.                          
It's raw sex they seek,                                     
In chat rooms that reek                                     
Of old socks and cigar smoke that hovers.                   
                                                            
45013 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Liam na Beag             



Of course, these are purely deductions.                     
I've never attended such functions.                         
But a friend of mine finds,                                 
Far from meeting the minds,                                 
They just masturbate by your instructions.                  
                                                            
45014 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Liam na Beag             



Truly, Gearhart you are sweet.                              
And there is no one to compete,                             
No matter how hung,                                         
With your talented tongue                                   
You'll always sweep me off my feet.                         
                                                            
45015 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Carol                    



Jon's been wagging his tongue in this forum.                
Alas!  That won't gather a quorum                           
Of tangy she-meat,                                          
He'd lick as a treat.                                       
If truth can be told, dude, you bore 'em.                   
                                                            
45016 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Randog                   



Then why has yon Carol related                              
That my tongue keeps her so elated.                         
Alas and alack!                                             
Go home now and whack                                       
And swallow what's ejaculated.                              
                                                            
45017 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Jon Gearhart             



What happened to Pete's love so great                       
That flourished back in '98?                                
Once Erika craved                                           
The nob that he waved,                                      
But now he hunts teenage jailbait.                          
                                                            
45018 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Randog                   



I remember once upon a time,                                
All AJL girls were in line                                  
At the door of Peter                                        
For his bulging meter,                                      
And kisses that tasted like wine.                           
                                                            
45019 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Carol                    



Not heeding supply and demand,                              
The lad wrote himself to a stand.                           
And now, it seem age                                        
Has tempered his rage,                                      
But not female flames that he fanned.                       
                                                            
45020 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       SFA                      



Bejabers, I fancy a rutting,                                
For percy is outwardly jutting;                             
But Carol's away                                            
And Big Bertha won't play,                                  
So I guess I'll go practice my putting.                     
                                                            
45021 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Peter Wilkins            



Oh Peter, I'm certainly here,                               
And the weather is sunny and clear.                         
Come practice your strokes                                  
Here under my oaks,                                         
And bring some chilled wine, will you dear?                 
                                                            
45022 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Carol                    



I'll bring some champagne which I'll tipple                 
And trickle all over your nipple;                           
The one on the right,                                       
While the left one I bite,                                  
As old percy gets used to your gripple.                     
                                                            
45023 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Peter Wilkins            



To whet her large appetite for                              
The fruit of my loins, I explore                            
Her clit with my tongue                                     
And then my well-hung                                       
Love meat pierces pussy galore.                             
                                                            
45024 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Randog                   



That claim, my dear Ran, is so naff.                        
Your 007's a laugh.                                         
To give satisfaction                                        
A gal needs my action:                                      
Oh ooh!  Seventeen and a half.                              
                                                            
45025 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Tiddy Ogg                



While waiting my turn in the queue,                         
I gave up my place just for you.                            
You loosen her up                                           
With your little pup,                                       
So my massive cock can push through.                        
                                                            
45026 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03       Randog                   



Got a phonecall last night: "Hello sweet-                   
heart, I long for the way that you treat                    
Me...", some hiss and a crack,                              
Then his voice came right back,                             
But distorted (connection was neat!)...                     
                                                            
45027 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03                                



"...let me fondle your tits like before,                    
And you know, there's this place I adore..."                
He sure got me wet soon                                     
And we both then did swoon                                  
In estatics that made me want more.                         
                                                            
45028 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03                                



But he said "Love, it's late, so don't cry,                 
Dearest Tina, remember I'll try... "                        
I yelled "TINA? I'm not!                                    
And the number you got..."                                  
"It's me, Hans, ...The wrong number? Oh, my..."             
                                                            
45029 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 03                                



Last night around half past eleven                          
(Remember we started at seven)                              
I fondled and stroked you;                                  
Completely de-coked you                                     
And sent you, my darling, to heaven.                        
                                                            
45030 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       PeterW                   



You moaned and you groaned and you sighed,                  
As I took you and sat you astride.                          
We rocked to and fro                                        
In a rhythmical mo-                                         
tions; a grippingly slippery ride.                          
                                                            
45031 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       PeterW                   



We started to shake and perspire                            
As we climbed ever higher and higher;                       
Then you screamed out in lust                               
At my ultimate thrust,                                      
As we came to the peak of desire.                           
                                                            
45032 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       PeterW                   



With your petals enfolding my spear                         
In a grip so exciting, my dear,                             
That you left me defenceless                                
And knocked me quite senseless                              
With lust. I'm addicted, I fear.                            
                                                            
45033 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       PeterW                   



Have suddenly you been struck blind?                        
They are not so small that you can't find.                  
They're right here, okay?                                   
Try feeling your way.                                       
Not there, honey, that's my behind.                         
                                                            
45034 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Carol                    



Dear Carol, I'm fully astounded!                            
Your breasts are so perfectly rounded!                      
The quivering tips                                          
Are craving my lips                                         
To bring you delight quite unbounded.                       
                                                            
45035 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Randog                   



Because I'm a man of my word,                               
My trousers and belt I'll ungird,                           
To free the erection                                        
That shows my affection                                     
And hot lusty ardor you're stirred.                         
                                                            
45036 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Randog                   



And what a lovely shade of pink,                            
And just long enough; yes I think                           
It's just the right size                                    
For any girl's thighs.                                      
Here's hoping that it doesn't stink.                        
                                                            
45037 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Carol                    



Here in this office alone,                                  
Talking with you on the phone,                              
I'll close my eyes,                                         
Just to fantasize,                                          
I hope no one hears me moan.                                
                                                            
45038 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04                                



You sit on the edge of the bed.                             
I kneel down to give you some head.                         
My hands 'round your tush,                                  
Remember, don't push,                                       
Knock, knock, "Go away, I'm busy now, Fred!"                
                                                            
45039 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04                                



In my mouth, I feel your hard knob,                         
Growing bigger and starting to throb,                       
My tongue licking traces,                                   
In all of those places,                                     
You like, when you get a blow job.                          
                                                            
45040 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04                                



I climb up to your lap now to sit,                          
To feel you inside my wet slit.                             
Wait, what's that I hear,                                   
Buzzing in my ear?                                          
The fax machine now, oh shit!                               
                                                            
45041 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04                                



A snapshot was sent to my in-                               
Box and it caused me to grin.                               
Once, twice, and then thrice,                               
Because it was nice                                         
To see Carol's tits on my chin.                             
                                                            
45042 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Jon Gearhart             



She sent me a photo as well                                 
That caused my large member to swell.                       
It showed sexy Carol,                                       
Her lips 'round my barrel,                                  
Relieving my cock of its gel.                               
                                                            
45043 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Randog                   



I've stored in my "Carol's Pics" cache,                     
Ten photos that I'll never trash,                           
Or even erase;                                              
They show on my face,                                       
Her sitting while I lick her gash!                          
                                                            
45044 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Travis Brasell           



I feel this tremendous attraction                           
Towards you and promise my action                           
Is more than two-thirds                                     
Of the following words.                                     
I can promise complete satisfaction.                        
                                                            
45045 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Peter W                  



You can quench my unquenchable thirst                       
To be tethered with leather and nursed.                     
So let's do it all night                                    
For our mutual delight.                                     
(Oh my God, I feel ready to burst!)                         
                                                            
45046 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Peter W                  



I imagine your peach of a rump                              
And can't wait till we're having a hump.                    
Yes, the thought is inviting                                
And wildly exciting.                                        
What fun we could have with my pump!                        
                                                            
45047 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Peter W                  



Your panties will surely get wet                            
When I start to caress you, my pet.                         
Amd I'm so nearly coming                                    
Just thinking of plumbing                                   
You. Come on, let's work up a sweat!                        
                                                            
45048 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Peter W                  



Did you keep all the passengers up                          
With your screaming while I had my sup?                     
Or did you moan soft                                        
As I gave you tongue-boff,                                  
As your come quickly filled up your cup?                    
                                                            
45049 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Gearhart                 



Only three others were aboard;                              
Two of them actually ignored                                
The whimpering sound,                                       
While you tongued my mound.                                 
The other guy laid there and snored.                        
                                                            
45050 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Carol                    



Those two that ignored were to busy                         
To notice you were in a tizzy.                              
My tongue deep inserted,                                    
Moved 'round as you spurted                                 
Your cream all around, pussy fizzy.                         
                                                            
45051 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Gearhart                 



They must have been dead not to notice                      
Your screams as I nibbled your lotus.                       
My favorite coition?                                        
The lotus position,                                         
Flipped 'round so you slurp on my scrotus.                  
                                                            
45052 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Gearhart                 



There once was a lonely old maid,                           
Who wanted so much to get laid,                             
That her cyber du jour                                      
Thought she had the allure,                                 
But look at the price that she paid.                        
                                                            
45053 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Ardens                   



Even a lonely old maid has a chance                         
When it comes to a cyber-romance.                           
But now in real time,                                       
It is hard to find,                                         
A partner for the mattress dance!                           
                                                            
45054 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Kaylin                   



Maybe she should just buy a toy?                            
(This isn't the time to be coy)                             
It can't hold her tight,                                    
But it's there every night,                                 
Just waiting to bring her great joy.                        
                                                            
45055 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Kaylin                   



The old maid, she bought a vibrator,                        
Holy Jeez! Thought she'd met her creator!                   
But better still, yet,                                      
She's now on the net,                                       
Doing nightly live sex theater.                             
                                                            
45056 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Mr Malo                  



Now you're free of sexual disease,                          
No longer will I have to tease.                             
It's time to proceed                                        
With the dirty deed.                                        
I'll savor you with expertise.                              
                                                            
45057 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Randog                   



Randog and Carol went to bed,                               
Where he received plenty of head.                           
And he fill her night                                       
With hours of delight.                                      
Will this be the end of the thread?                         
                                                            
45058 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Carol                    



I've died and to heaven I've gone.                          
You slaked every need, dusk to dawn.                        
Let's put this to bed;                                      
It was a good thread.                                       
Lots more in the future we'll spawn.                        
                                                            
45059 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Randog                   



I debate with myself should I duck                          
This subject or wade through the muck,                      
And raise a big stink,                                      
When I say that I think                                     
That this was a pure pity fuck.                             
                                                            
45060 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Goin2                    



I'm addicted to raunch-rhyme, you see,                      
And these days, I almost always O.D.                        
If you purveyors of sperm                                   
Used a less sexual term,                                    
Virtual humping would be less hard-on me.                   
                                                            
45061 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Ericka                   



Now some offer to tongue on my clit.                        
From now on, this is called "lickety-split."                
We'll refer to all cocks                                    
As "hollyhocks"                                             
But things mammary will still be called "tit."              
                                                            
45062 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Ericka                   



Sixty-nine will be reduced to thirteen;                     
Menage a trois will be called "inbetween."                  
You will not come,                                          
You will merely hum.                                        
And kinky sex will be called "Halloween."                   
                                                            
45063 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Ericka                   



I know that these measures seem drastic.                    
But even were I made of plastic,                            
These sex marathons,                                        
With you Limerick hard-ons                                  
Would cause me to lose my elastic.                          
                                                            
45064 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 04       Ericka                   



They'd been married a very long time.                       
She thought everything was just fine --                     
But she got surprised                                       
When she realized                                           
He had alt-dot-sex on-line...                               
                                                            
45065 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Kaylin                   



For one day, she found some pics                            
Of naked and young cyber-chicks.                            
He got into the groove,                                     
Which just goes to prove                                    
You can teach an old dog new tricks.                        
                                                            
45066 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Kaylin                   



Now he really enjoys cyber-sex;                             
His wife is the one he rejects.                             
All night long he struts,                                   
With his cyber-sluts,                                       
So he's going to be her cyber-ex...                         
                                                            
45067 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Kaylin                   



But she won't spend time reminiscing,                       
Or spend her life booing and hissing --                     
She'll find a cyber-lover                                   
So she can discover                                         
All the cyber-joy she's been missing!                       
                                                            
45068 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Kaylin                   



But she can't say she wishes him well;                      
Sometimes she still wants to yell.                          
She hopes, without compunctions,                            
His equipment malfunctions,                                 
And he goes straight to cyber-hell!                         
                                                            
45069 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Kaylin                   



Jayne, here is a ticket to Perth;                           
You'll come all the way 'round the Earth.                   
I've booked us a table,                                     
So if you're able,                                          
On Friday we'll eat and then surf.                          
                                                            
45070 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Archie                   



But I know yur skin is so fair,                             
With a dusting of freckles just there,                      
This Perth sun could just                                   
Burn you, so you must                                       
Use the suncream I spread on bare...                        
                                                            
45071 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Archie                   



Skin exposed by your tiger skin                             
Bikini that you will be in.                                 
Oh, that strap has broken,                                  
Now lets see what's woken                                   
Down in my leopard-skin G-string.                           
                                                            
45072 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Archie                   



Can you make that a ticket for two?                         
The Perth sun I think would just do                         
Me fine. (And I'm sure                                      
My cup-size is more!)                                       
As long as it not burn my tattoo!                           
                                                            
45073 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jayne                    



I'll cover you with some sun-cream,                         
From your head to -- I have just seen                       
Your 42C's                                                  
Swinging in the breeze! --                                  
And I'll cram your tattoo and dream.                        
                                                            
45074 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Archie                   



A question for all three of you,                            
Then we'll see who lies and what's true.                    
Since all of you claim,                                     
I'm the picture of fame,                                    
Then what and where is my tattoo?                           
                                                            
45075 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Carol                    



Do you think that I'd be indescreet                         
And tell of tattoos where I eat?                            
You do?  Well then honey,                                   
Tattooed over your cunny                                    
In neon glow: "Bon Appitit!"                                
                                                            
45076 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Travis Brasell           



Well darlin', good try, but not right.                      
No neon tattoos at that site.                               
I was certain you knew                                      
If I had a tattoo,                                          
That it wouldn't glow in the night.                         
                                                            
45077 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Carol                    



Perhaps it is time we debut.                                
A picture of Carol's tattoo,                                
That's seen on her back,                                    
Down her spine and her crack,                               
The snake that she recently slew.                           
                                                            
45078 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Goin2                    



Though Carol's form's just as enchanting,                   
Seems strange last time we were hot-panting.                
She only let snakes                                         
In by the front gates,                                      
As mine in her curls I was planting.                        
                                                            
45079 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Gearhart                 



You'll need dozens of bales of hay                          
To brace that blue-veined beef fillet.                      
It needs reinflation                                        
Not brute amputation.                                       
That stall's to a Sis Chris buffet.                         
                                                            
45080 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Randog                   



There aren't any nuns around here.                          
No priests or friars will appear                            
To get in our way.                                          
But you'll want to pray,                                    
Once I get my tongue on your spear.                         
                                                            
45081 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Carol                    



I pray that your telling the truth                          
'Bout the absence of Cris's sharp tooth.                    
She'd make my meat holey.                                   
You'll come like Stromboli.                                 
I'll drink your hot flow like vermouth.                     
                                                            
45082 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Randog                   



So down and dirty you're intending,                         
To get for some sexy pretending.                            
You really are randy;                                       
Come here, lick this candy.                                 
But honey, take care; no rear-ending.                       
                                                            
45083 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Carol                    



Your ass is a most sacred shrine                            
I'll pamper and won't cross that line.                      
Its rim I will lick,                                        
With my tongue, deft and quick,                             
And soon you'll gasp, "Give me the pine!"                   
                                                            
45084 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Randog                   



This cycling is really a blast!                             
I can gear up and down, slow and fast!                      
And this racing seat                                        
Is really a treat --                                        
But I'm not sure how long I can last.                       
                                                            
45085 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



For this pedaling action, you see,                          
Is quite stimulating to me.                                 
It is my conviction                                         
That continued friction                                     
May lead to collision with tree.                            
                                                            
45086 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



Now I'm moaning -- "By golly...By gum..."                   
As to friction, I gladly succumb.                           
You're way out ahead;                                       
Your face is quite red,                                     
As I shout "Peter! Here I come!"                            
                                                            
45087 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



Hey Petal, I know you can hear!                             
Now stop it! You're hurting my spear.                       
Will you hold it and stroke it?                             
Don't prod it and poke it;                                  
You're not in my car changing gear!                         
                                                            
45088 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Peter Wilkins            



Already you've caused me much sorrow                        
By crashing the cars that you borrow.                       
Now calm yourself down                                      
And we'll go into town                                      
And I'll buy you a push-bike tomorrow.                      
                                                            
45089 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Peter Wilkins            



Last night as we cuddled and curled                         
'Round each other, your petals unfurled                     
In your sleep, and I got                                    
Quite excited and hot,                                      
And my thing became knobbly and knurled.                    
                                                            
45090 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jim Weaver Collection    



I knew you were tired (so was I)                            
So I snuggled up close to your thigh,                       
And I soon went to sleep                                    
Buried nine inches deep                                     
In you, heaving a satisfied sigh.                           
                                                            
45091 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jim Weaver Collection    



But I woke in the morning at four                           
As I fell with a thump to the floor                         
For you'd grabbed all the bed                               
And the duvet. My head                                      
Is now aching; my body is sore ...                          
                                                            
45092 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jim Weaver Collection    



And I'm shivering, love. Will you let                       
Me get back into bed and I'll bet                           
Within seconds, my sweet,                                   
We will generate heat,                                      
For an evening we'll never forget.                          
                                                            
45093 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jim Weaver Collection    



I will make you so wet down below,                          
Using chocolate and honey, you know,                        
Which I'll spread on the tips                               
Of your petals and nips,                                    
And then lick you all over real s l o w.                    
                                                            
45094 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm enjoying this wild thoroughbred!                        
Galloping across the bedspread.                             
But if you're feeling strain,                               
Then I just drop the rein                                   
And let the poor horse have his head.                       
                                                            
45095 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



Stirrup whatever you must,                                  
Just as long as you stirrup my lust,                        
With a regular motion                                       
And cause a commotion                                       
By matching my in-and- out thrust.                          
                                                            
45096 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       PeterW                   



Peter, my horse, I must say                                 
You've shown me a whole different way                       
To go for a ride                                            
In the incoming tide.                                       
(You bucked me off four times today!)                       
                                                            
45097 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



But no more horsing around!                                 
I've worn out my round and round pound.                     
My rocked and rollicking                                    
Mound is frollicking                                        
Its way right into the ground.                              
                                                            
45098 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



So just lay yourself down with me P.,                       
Right here on the edge of the sea.                          
And have a wee nap                                          
With your head in my lap...                                 
           OH!!                                             
And your hands out where I can see.                         
45099 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



I was travelling by underground rail                        
To my office in London -- it's hell --                      
When I thought of your lips                                 
And your pert little nips,                                  
And my hollyhock started to swell.                          
                                                            
45100 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       PeterW                   



I tried very hard to control                                
My emotions, but fear that the roll                         
And the rock of the train                                   
Caused a helluva strain,                                    
And I soon had a twenty-foot pole.                          
                                                            
45101 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       PeterW                   



As we slowly came into the station                          
I normally use, my inflation                                
Got caught in the door                                      
And although it's now sore,                                 
There's no sign of impending deflation.                     
                                                            
45102 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       PeterW                   



My nerves are all shattered and shred-                      
ded; tonight can we cuddle in bed?                          
I will feel most serene                                     
In position "Thirteen";                                     
You can cure me by giving me head.                          
                                                            
45103 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       PeterW                   



While I foldle your petals so neat                          
And so temptingly tasty and sweet,                          
Until all of our stresses                                   
Have gone; our caresses                                     
Will leave us complete and replete.                         
                                                            
45104 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       PeterW                   



I've troubles like all of the rest;                         
Reliable news is my quest.                                  
I'll search and I'll try,                                   
But before I die,                                           
I'm running this one final test.                            
                                                            
45105 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Goofing                  



Surely you must be in jest;                                 
No news comes through on your quest?                        
Where do you look                                           
My little snook;                                            
I may not be new but I'm best                               
                                                            
45106 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Arden                    



My life has been chock full of stress.                      
But there is one place, I would guess,                      
That I haven't looked.                                      
So a trip I've booked                                       
To your place -- I'll look 'neath your dress.               
                                                            
45107 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Goofing                  



'Neath my dress you'll look, you say?                       
Then do it on this very day.                                
Inside of my pants                                          
You'll soon do the dance                                    
That always leads women astray.                             
                                                            
45108 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Arden                    



Last evening I was on my way,                               
And arrived there early today.                              
But I'm all askance,                                        
You're wearing no pants!                                    
Let's get the dance started. Ole!                           
                                                            
45109 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Goofing                  



The long weekend's coming up soon;                          
In three nights I'll be out hunting poon.                   
I hear that the state                                       
Of Maryland's great,                                        
For hunting poon under the moon.                            
                                                            
45110 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jon Gearhart             



By the border of Chesapeake Bay,                            
Poon Hunter has spotted his prey.                           
The sight of this blonde                                    
Swelled not his soft wand.                                  
Could it be that Poon Hunter is gay?                        
                                                            
45111 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Randog                   



For someone who likes pluggin' butts,                       
You've certainly got lots of guts                           
To try to imply                                             
I'm that sort of guy,                                       
But I like my mounds without nuts.                          
                                                            
45112 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Jon Gearhart             



I can't leave your limerick rebutless.                      
The butts that I plug must be nutless.                      
Besides she must beg                                        
Me to insert my peg.                                        
Butt wary, she'll still love my cutlass.                    
                                                            
45113 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Randog                   



The Maryland blonde felt that way                           
When she took all of me by the bay.                         
Even though I kept far                                      
From her ass with my spar,                                  
'Twas her best-ever roll in the hay.                        
                                                            
45114 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Randog                   



Peter, there're a few things that we need                   
From the market. I thought we agreed                        
That shopping we'd share?                                   
But hold it right there --                                  
Your hard on is taking the lead.                            
                                                            
45115 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



We need a disguise for your dong.                           
(The shopping won't take very long)                         
But a bag on its head --                                    
So it looks like French bread.                              
Oh no, the plastic's all wrong...                           
                                                            
45116 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



Can you get to the cold meats section                       
Avoiding all shoppers detection?                            
Perhaps a kielbasa                                          
Draped all across, uh,                                      
Could hide your growing erection?                           
                                                            
45117 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



Ohmygod! It's escaped from your pants                       
And it's rummaging through the eggplants!                   
It's picking up beets,                                      
Some milk and some sweets...                                
Now it's sniffing at flowers and plants.                    
                                                            
45118 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



Oh Peter, I know what you said --                           
We should have gone home to bed.                            
(Get out of there!                                          
Drop that Gruyere!)                                         
I guess I'll have cheese-flavored head.)                    
                                                            
45119 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 05       Ericka                   



I see that you're still stuck in France,                    
Instead of here, inside my pants.                           
And you won't get here,                                     
Till sometime next year,                                    
Charging only just ten cents a dance.                       
                                                            
45120 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Carol                    



I'm not stuck in France, as you say.                        
It's just that I've mixed work with play.                   
I've made plenty pay                                        
And enjoyed old Marseille,                                  
But soon I shall be on my way.                              
                                                            
45121 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jon Gearhard             



My plane's set to leave for MD;                             
I hope you'll be waiting for me                             
At the terminal there,                                      
Without underwear,                                          
Spread wide for the whole world to see.                     
                                                            
45122 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jon Gearhard             



My boy, for the world, I'll not bare                        
What I've got 'neath my fine underwear.                     
But sometime this week,                                     
You might get a peek;                                       
Get here before grey's in my hair.                          
                                                            
45123 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Carol                    



I'm arriving right now, as I speak,                         
And planning to stay for a week,                            
Or four if I'm welcome                                      
To make my sweet belle come,                                
And ready for more than a peek.                             
                                                            
45124 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jon Gearhart             



I'm at the airport with my bag                              
In my hand so that it won't drag.                           
I watching for you,                                         
Here by terminal two,                                       
With a waving flagpole but no flag.                         
                                                            
45125 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jon Gearhart             



Come here, dear, now don't be a flirt;                      
Stand right here and lift up your shirt.                    
Your tits in my face                                        
So I can have a taste                                       
And then, please dear, hike up your skirt.                  
                                                            
45126 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Gearhart                 



I will strip you right there of your scanties,              
Those wonderful silky smooth panties,                       
And lick you up slick                                       
'Fore I slide in my dick                                    
And you'll ride till we both have the ranties.              
                                                            
45127 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Gearhart                 



And raving so loud bought the feeling                       
Of me deep inside as we're squealing.                       
So how does this sound?                                     
Come and get those thing down                               
'Round your ankles if this thought is appealing!            
                                                            
45128 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Gearhart                 



If you think that this is appealing,                        
Wait 'til I'm on my knees kneeling.                         
You will ask for more,                                      
Of that I am sure;                                          
The pleasure you won't be concealing!                       
                                                            
45129 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Carol                    



Down on your knees sucking me                               
Does have a way of just shucking me.                        
My toy does enjoy                                           
When your tongue you employ,                                
But turn 'round and get down to fucking me.                 
                                                            
45130 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Gearhart                 



Get on the floor on all fours;                              
I'll come up behind and get yours                           
Sticky and wet,                                             
With my dickie, my pet,                                     
And you will scream out for encores!                        
                                                            
45131 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Gearhart                 



The frauleins in Dusseldorf all,                            
Said they loved my Kniphofia tall;                          
But I told them, "No way.                                   
'Tis with Petal I play."                                    
Though I did let one fondle my ball.                        
                                                            
45132 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



You see, she had 42C's,                                     
And I begged her for one little squeeze.                    
But she said, only if                                       
She could play with my stiff-                               
ie. (Like Wuzzums, one helluva tease!)                      
                                                            
45133 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



The temptation proved almost too great                      
In my frankly excitable state.                              
And I fear that I let her                                   
Get closer, the better                                      
To fondle and watch me inflate.                             
                                                            
45134 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



She got just as far as my scrotum,                          
And said, "Love your balls. I will vote 'em                 
The best I have seen;                                       
Now what else lies between?"                                
My god, was I stiff as a totem!                             
                                                            
45135 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



But I did, dearest Petal, resist                            
The temptation; I said, "Please desist.                     
Do not fondle my ball."                                     
But I seem to recall                                        
I later did that with my fist.                              
                                                            
45136 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



So with lust I am feverish now;                             
Dearest Petal, I need you (and how!).                       
Will you come to my place,                                  
With your tethers of lace,                                  
For your furrow I'm desperate to plow!                      
                                                            
45137 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



I've had to change all my plans.                            
(Jayne, please stop biting my glans)                        
I couldn't refuse                                           
The words that she used.                                    
All right, next time we'll go to Cannes.                    
                                                            
45138 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Archie                   



Ouch -- I asked you to stop chewing!                        
When we go, I'll just take youing,                          
And once you're in France,                                  
You'll be able to dance                                     
Quite nude, all the papers eschewing.                       
                                                            
45139 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Archie                   



In the Sun you'll start on page three;                      
But finding the nips they can't see,                        
And reading: Turn o'er --                                   
They'll turn to page four,                                  
For that's where the rest of you'll be.                     
                                                            
45140 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Archie                   



Joie is winging her way to us,                              
Please stop making such a big fuss.                         
It'll be fun for you too,                                   
Who knows what we'll do.                                    
She's got a slightly smaller bust.                          
                                                            
45141 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Archie                   



Although, of course, I won't compare;                       
A gentleman, I wouldn't dare.                               
But you two will know                                       
By the way that you show                                    
Which one has the champion pair.                            
                                                            
45142 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Archie                   



Now that that's sorted out,                                 
On Friday morn we'll see about                              
A menage de troi,                                           
You, me and Joie;                                           
Then all of the rules we will flout.                        
                                                            
45143 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Archie                   



My dear Doctor Petal I seek                                 
Your advice.  Though it's barely a week                     
Since you told me I'm cured                                 
And to D-cups inured.                                       
I'm afraid I've been taking a peek...                       
                                                            
45144 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter Wilkins            



...At the centerfold spread in a Play-                      
Boy which leaped from a news-stand today.                   
Can you guess where it land-                                
Ed?  Yes, right in my hand!                                 
So I bought it and took it away.                            
                                                            
45145 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter Wilkins            



Doctor Petal, oh will you take pity?                        
I'm weak and addicted to titty;                             
Been licking the pages                                      
Of Playboy for ages.                                        
They're soggy and taste rather shitty.                      
                                                            
45146 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter Wilkins            



Though pics are mere fantasy fiction,                       
I just cannot help my addiction.                            
So maybe I need                                             
Reprimanding; indeed                                        
It may cure me if done with conviction.                     
                                                            
45147 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter Wilkins            



So take down my undershorts please,                         
And I'll bend myself over you knees.                        
If you thrash my behind                                     
With some vigor, you'll find                                
It may cure my obsession with ease.                         
                                                            
45148 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter Wilkins            



Slap me hard till my butt-cheeks turn red.                  
(Surreptitiously under the bed                              
I have hidden that Play-                                    
Boy I purchased today,                                      
And I'll peek at that centerfold spread.)                   
                                                            
45149 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter Wilkins            



Dr Petal you've cured me today;                             
My obsessions have melted away.                             
No more 44D's,                                              
I'm addicted to knees.                                      
How much did you ask me to pay?                             
                                                            
45150 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter                    



I see, you want payment in kind;                            
Now you've cured my affliction of mind.                     
Get undressed to your scanties;                             
I'll rip off your panties,                                  
And thrash you curvaceous behind.                           
                                                            
45151 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter                    



You deserve to be paddled because                           
You've been messin' with Archie the Oz.                     
He's expecting your baby:                                   
The rumor says maybe                                        
It's twins! (Well, I heard that it was.)                    
                                                            
45152 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter                    



But you can't make me pregnant, Dear E.,                    
For I've had a vasectomy.  See                              
Where they shaved off my pubes                              
Before snipping my tubes,                                   
So from kids I will always be free.                         
                                                            
45153 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter                    



But I seem to be somewhat digressing                        
From matters more urgent and pressing.                      
Bend over my knees,                                         
Spread your thighs, if you please,                          
If you want your dear petals caressing...                   
                                                            
45154 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter                    



...I mean if your buttocks need thrashin'                   
In regular hand-smackin' fashion.                           
Oh God! Now your pet-                                       
Als are throbbing and wet,                                  
So I'll just have to screw you with passion.                
                                                            
45155 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Peter                    



As I sat in my office this morning,                         
A man stepped in without warning.                           
"Package for E!                                             
May I deliver it, please?"                                  
But no parcel his hand was adorning.                        
                                                            
45156 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Ericka                   



The man was familiar to me.                                 
Who he was, though, I just couldn't see.                    
With dark glasses and hat;                                  
I thought, "Who IS that?"                                   
The tag on his shirt read "Sweet P!"                        
                                                            
45157 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Ericka                   



I laughed, "Petey, what are you doing?"                     
You said, "Quiet! I'm here for some screwing."              
You swept my desk clear,                                    
Said, "Climb up on here!                                    
Are you ready for your best-ever screwing?"                 
                                                            
45158 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Ericka                   



Then you closed the blinds and the door,                    
And threw your hat on the floor,                            
Tore off my stockings;                                      
Started in caulking,                                        
And soon I was begging for more.                            
                                                            
45159 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Ericka                   



You cast your sexual spell,                                 
(And made me hum like hell.)                                
Then you turned away,                                       
Said, "Have a nice day!                                     
"Tah-tah, so long, fare thee well!"                         
                                                            
45160 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Ericka                   



As I sat there, half naked, adoring,                        
And tried to calm my heart's roaring,                       
I sighed for awhile,                                        
Then started to smile...                                    
Sex with you, love, will never be boring.                   
                                                            
45161 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Ericka                   



In New York we'll meet by Tiffany's windows                 
The necklace I give you, with diamonds glows.               
A Concorde to France,                                       
Maxim's, then a dance,                                      
And several of the Moulin Rouge shows.                      
                                                            
45162 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



Then by Qantas, we'll fly and travel on                     
To the harbour city, Sydney, c'est bon.                     
Pavarotti sings                                             
In the Opera House wings,                                   
And with opals I'll keep leading you on.                    
                                                            
45163 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



Returning towards home via Hawaii,                          
We rest on the shores drinking Chardonny.                   
I think, "Now's the time."                                  
Allowing my hand to climb                                   
Slowly up from your ankle to your knee.                     
                                                            
45164 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



While whispering sympathy on your loss                      
(Never letting rolling stone grow moss)                     
I know I'm not Peter,                                       
But I'll treat you sweeter                                  
Ah, Ericka, I'll muss your lip gloss.                       
                                                            
45165 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



And right in full view of the tourists,                     
The blood starts pounding our nether bits.                  
Yours tastes divine;                                        
And you lick mine;                                          
We rotate and join while I suck tits.                       
                                                            
45166 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



In our orgasmic exertions we speak;                         
We whisper endearments and squeak.                          
While you say, "Sweet P."                                   
I mutter, "Lizzie."                                         
Lucky we don't listen at our peak.                          
                                                            
45167 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 06       Jim Weaver Collection    



On my tongue you can always rely                            
And first I'll just unzip your fly                          
And peel off those pants                                    
As you start to dance                                       
For joy and you scream "My oh my!"                          
                                                            
45168 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 07                                



I have not even taken down                                  
Your panties clear down to the ground,                      
And you've already pulled me                                
And screamed as you told me,                                
"I can't wait, get that tongue in my mound!"                
                                                            
45169 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 07                                



So with panties at only half mast,                          
I begin tonguing slow, not too fast,                        
And swirling it round                                       
Your sweet fresh-mown mound,                                
So that your vast pleasure will last.                       
                                                            
45170 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 07                                



I'm sticking the tip in the top;                            
Your dripping, with my beard I mop.                         
My moustache on your clit                                   
Slightly tickling it,                                       
And you're yelling full voice "Jon, don't stop!"            
                                                            
45171 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 07                                



You now have a hold of my ears                              
And seem to be shifting the gears,                          
Screaming "Fast and deep,                                   
Or you'll make me weep!"                                    
And I can't stand the sight of your tears...                
                                                            
45172 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 07                                



So I pick up the pace and delve in,                         
And you start yelling once again:                           
"Oh, Jon that's the spot --                                 
You get me so HOT!"                                         
You moaned as I slid it all in.                             
                                                            
45173 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 07                                



Your legs wrapped so tight round my back;                   
Forcing me deep in your crack.                              
Your hands gave a push                                      
As I gripped your firm tush;                                
You came how many times? I lost track!                      
                                                            
45174 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 07                                



Seems lately Gearhart's MIA;                                
He's not been around here to play.                          
Perhaps lost and trapped,                                   
Or maybe kidnapped.                                         
Or maybe his new lover's gay.                               
                                                            
45175 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Carol                    



Or maybe he's worn to a stump                               
From giving you many a hump.                                
But fear not, my dear,                                      
The noise that you hear                                     
Is Sweet FA priming his pump.                               
                                                            
45176 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       SFA                      



While Sweet FA's priming his pump,                          
Jon's hand is inflating his stump.                          
But neither is ready                                        
To lift her sheer teddy,                                    
And smack their sack into her rump.                         
                                                            
45177 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Randog                   



But Randog is ready and willin'                             
To give Carol's cisterns a fillin',                         
As long as I see                                            
The room's Travis free;                                     
Katy, bar the door and lets get drillin'.                   
                                                            
45178 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Randog                   



As Randog just keeps on dreamin',                           
Of making hot Carol start screamin',                        
I'm here in her bed,                                        
Between legs wide spread,                                   
And finnin' her full of my semen.                           
                                                            
45179 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jon Gearhart             



That's funny.  She must have a twin.                        
Your tryst really couln't have been.                        
While you penned your wet dream,                            
I was licking the cream                                     
Of her hot tasty snatch with a grin.                        
                                                            
45180 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Randog                   



While Carol loves petting her poodle                        
And she and Jon often canoodle,                             
When really in heat,                                        
Her cravings for meat.                                      
Now please put away that limp noodle.                       
                                                            
45181 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       SFA                      



I'd like to defend me more often                            
And stop all this scowlin' and scoffin'.                    
But Carol's keyboard                                        
Has a very short cord,                                      
And gets bucked off her back when we're boffin'.            
                                                            
45182 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jon Gearhart             



I'm a pale blonde from St. Louis;                           
I'm 14; my pussy is gooey,                                  
With thoughts of your rod,                                  
Shoved into my bod.                                         
My address, alas, is just hooey.                            
                                                            
45183 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



"If you're a 15 blonde girl from Missouri                   
From my dreadful riting you must cure me.                   
Though I flunked out in sckool                              
I made it a rool,                                           
To never let grammar dis-assure me                          
                                                            
45184 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



If your a 15 blonde girl from Missouri,                     
And between your thighs is all furry,                       
I think I'll come visit                                     
Your beaver exhibit,                                        
If you promise I get the full tourie.                       
                                                            
45185 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



Fourteen and gooey with expectation?                        
Is this just from masturbation                              
Or just from the thought.                                   
You've grown so hot                                         
To St. Louis I must make reservations!                      
                                                            
45186 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



I hail north of you on the map;                             
Directly on top matter-of-fact,.                            
In Des Moines, IOWAY.                                       
So, what do you say,                                        
Is your pussy ready for this chap?                          
                                                            
45187 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



I like them young and tight,                                
So I can break them in right,                               
To fit like a glove                                         
Around my 'love';                                           
When young they can ride all night.                         
                                                            
45188 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



They are usually in healthy condition                       
And won't need to stop for commission.                      
But sometimes they might                                    
Get excited and bite.                                       
Just thought I'd get good permission.                       
                                                            
45189 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



If you're a 15 blonde girl from MO,                         
And the neighbors think you are a ho,                       
Screwing not only your kin,                                 
But letting anyone in,                                      
I don't want to fuck you, for sho.                          
                                                            
45190 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Jim Weaver Collection    



I know it's a hospital zone.                                
But it's hard to be quiet. Your bone                        
Is doing those tricks                                       
That give me such kicks.                                    
Surely one little moan you'll condone?                      
                                                            
45191 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Ericka                   



Mmmmm Petey, I'll whimper the odd                           
Little gurgle while riding your rod.                        
When I start to hum,                                        
I'll try to keep mum...                                     
Ohmygod...ohmygod...OHMYGOD!!                               
                                                            
45192 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Ericka                   



So we're both in a hospital bed                             
And the thought of it fills me with dread.                  
When my marbles and thing                                   
Have been sewn up with string,                              
You can test them by giving me head.                        
                                                            
45193 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



But you know it's the wrong place to be;                    
To escape from the dangers, dear E.                         
I'll be needing some time                                   
(Oh don't stop, that's sublime.)                            
To recuperate next to the sea.                              
                                                            
45194 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



Although I'm still tattered and torn                        
And my hollyhock's battered and worn,                       
(Oh my god, it feels good                                   
With your tongue on my wood.)                               
We will leave for the seaside at dawn...                    
                                                            
45195 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



Lest disaster befall us again;                              
For I cannot take any more pain.                            
(Now I'm stiff as a board                                   
Will you climb on my sword?)                                
Shall we go to Jamaica or Spain?                            
                                                            
45196 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



Now be gentle, love, bouncing around                        
And be careful to keep down the sound,                      
For I know how you screech                                  
(You'll look good on the beach...)                          
With desire when I'm pounding your mound.                   
                                                            
45197 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



(...In your thong and your short little...)Yes!             
Dearest Petal don't (...polka dot dress.)                   
Stop. One additional stroke                                 
And I think I'll decoke...                                  
Oh, good heavens, my love, what a mess!                     
                                                            
45198 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



You guys, I've heard that your tools                        
Make young girls like me get the drools.                    
I'd like a taste                                            
Of your spunky paste,                                       
But first come and fuck me, you fools.                      
                                                            
45199 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       LoriAnne                 



My twat hole is pink, small, and wet.                       
(My labes are not fuzzy yet.)                               
I'll love when you throb;                                   
There's nothing like knob                                   
When pumping my cunt with its jet.                          
                                                            
45200 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       LoriAnne                 



My dad is away in Rhode I.,                                 
(A field agent for the F.B.I)                               
Mom is a slut,                                              
And don't mind the mutt,                                    
Neither will care, but may spy.                             
                                                            
45201 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       LoriAnne                 



I'll jump in my car and drive down                          
To show yo a night on the town,                             
Then back to your place.                                    
We can later race                                           
And I'll get down to pounding your mound.                   
                                                            
45202 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Gearhart                 



So your mom enjoys peeping in,                              
While guys are poking your trim.                            
And H wants to know                                         
If I've got a skanky pole,                                  
And is it clean enough for your quim.                       
                                                            
45203 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Gearhart                 



Well tell Cousin H not to fret;                             
I am just as clean as it gets.                              
I don't do the girls                                        
That have diseased furls,                                   
And I don't have any regrets.                               
                                                            
45204 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Gearhart                 



I like young, pink, tight holes,                            
The kind that still grip on my pole,                        
Instead of the saggy,                                       
Overused baggy                                              
Twats that some have for meatrolls.                         
                                                            
45205 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Gearhart                 



After I poke and I prod,                                    
Then you can taste my rod.                                  
And I'll have a treat                                       
Of untainted sweet-meat.                                    
I can't wait to get tonguing your bod.                      
                                                            
45206 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Gearhart                 



As I watched the rain fall I said,                          
"Perhaps I should go back to bed?                           
No, don't feel so blue;                                     
I know what to do.                                          
I'll go read A.J.L. instead."                               
                                                            
45207 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Kitten                   



But now I feel worse than before,                           
With your macho verse by the score.                         
Seems things never change                                   
Back home on the range.                                     
I think I'll walk back out the door.                        
                                                            
45208 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Kitten                   



Oh come now, dear Kitten, please stay;                      
At least for the rest of the day.                           
I'll stroke your sweet fur                                  
'Til you whimper and purr,                                  
And my Thomas is ready to spray.                            
                                                            
45209 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



You're honest now in your old age?                          
No longer act out on a stage?                               
Just nibble some necks                                      
For a couple of sex.                                        
Have you really turned a new page?                          
                                                            
45210 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Chaton                   



Tut tut, dearest Chaton, ma chere,                          
'Tis years since I tickled you there;                       
No wonder my wurst                                          
Took more seconds to burst                                  
At the sight of your sweet derriere.                        
                                                            
45211 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



Well, that was a nice thing to say.                         
I'm glad I came back here to play.                          
I see that your vision                                      
Is full of precision.                                       
Shame your sausage won't act the same way.                  
                                                            
45212 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Chaton                   



C'est vrai mon saucisse was unruly;                         
But keeping me waiting unduly                               
Was largely ze cause                                        
(As were also your paws                                     
When you tickled my sensitive goolie.                       
                                                            
45213 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



But now I've recovered my poise.                            
I see you are still keen for ze joys                        
Of ooh la la la                                             
From ze je ne sais quoi                                     
Little twitch zat your tail-end employs.                    
                                                            
45214 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 08       Peter Wilkins            



"Dear Petal, I've booked us a day                           
Trip to Ireland, the county of May-                         
o, with Aer (cunni) Lingus;                                 
I chose them to bring us,                                   
Returning the Derry Air way.                                
                                                            
45215 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"Forget all about the last flight,                          
Though I realize it caused you a fright.                    
I'll hold on to your hand                                   
(Or your mammary gland)                                     
During take-off and landing, all right?                     
                                                            
45216 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"Now the pilot's professional, dear,                        
And you really have nothing to fear;                        
I've checked all the wings,                                 
Navigational things,                                        
All the engines and similar gear.                           
                                                            
45217 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"There's nothing that isn't OK.                             
But we're taking off later today;                           
So get dressed if you please                                
In your panties and skis;                                   
Hurry up for we cannot delay.                               
                                                            
45218 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"Well alright, if you must, I suppose                       
You can spend half-an-hour with my hose,                    
Gently stroking me...well,                                  
I'm beginning to swell                                      
At the sight of your petals of rose...                      
                                                            
45219 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"Resistance is futile; my spear                             
Is as hard as a...Stop!...Can you hear?                     
It's my manservant, Bob,                                    
Who has done a good job,                                    
For he's packed all our suitcases, dear.                    
                                                            
45220 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"Your limousine's waiting outside,                          
Sir."  "Oh thanks, but I'm having the ride                  
Of my life, so piss off                                     
And stop watching us boff."                                 
Oh he's gone.  Will you guide me inside?                    
                                                            
45221 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"I promise he won't interrupt                               
Us. Oh God, What a sexy volupt-                             
uous woman you are,                                         
When caressing my spar.                                     
But I fear I'm about to erupt!                              
                                                            
45222 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



"So before we go further with this,                         
(Yes I know, it's such heavenly bliss)                      
Shall we try and calm down                                  
For a trip out of town                                      
To the airport, or give it a miss?                          
                                                            
45223 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       PeterW                   



Oh boy, don't they look fine!                               
Quite sensitive, pale, and all mine!                        
Let me lick here --                                         
What's that in my ear?                                      
Two nipples, one head. How divine.                          
                                                            
45224 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       H WHELCHEL               



Will they both fit 'twixt my lips?                          
(My God! I'm in love with these tips!)                      
With envy I ooze --                                         
My bud too, could use                                       
These wonderful stereo sips!                                
                                                            
45225 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       H Whelchel               



That lady behind us is staring!                             
Do you think she would go for a pairing?                    
One mouth on each nip                                       
Before I let her rip?                                       
Digressing am I. How're you faring?                         
                                                            
45226 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       H Whelchel               



My dear, you can now take your pick;                        
The left one, the right one to lick;                        
The other to tweak                                          
While I kiss your cheek                                     
And fondle and play with your wick.                         
                                                            
45227 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       Arden                    



Oh my! Don't I have the luck;                               
Both tits you've decided to suck.                           
I will gladly share                                         
Your rod and that pair                                      
Of heavy and round hockey pucks.                            
                                                            
45228 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       Arden                    



Let's move away from these seats;                           
On stage she will sample our treats.                        
So the other patrons                                        
From perverts to matrons,                                   
Can marvel at our athletic feats.                           
                                                            
45229 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       Arden                    



My God! Aren't we ballsy and wild!                          
The patrons are packing the aisle!                          
The want to be near                                         
When I stuff you, my dear,                                  
On stage with my thing erectile.                            
                                                            
45230 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       H WHELCHEL               



I see a few Bettys -- most Bobs                             
Come to get auto-handjobs.                                  
Some are in drag;                                           
Most are here stag.                                         
Just look at that ocean of knobs!                           
                                                            
45231 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       H WHELCHEL               



Here comes our lady friend, now.                            
Lord! She is hung like a cow!                               
Those cannot be real!                                       
But come on Lucille,                                        
Lets see what the crowd will allow!                         
                                                            
45232 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 09       H WHELCHEL               



I'm sorry, love, for causing a rift.                        
It was that damned, delightful gearshift!                   
It reminds me of you --                                     
(It's ever-hard too!)                                       
The sight of it set me adrift.                              
                                                            
45233 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Ericka                   



I dreamed that I sat on your knee                           
And gyrated there, heartily.                                
When I reached fever pitch,                                 
I ran into the ditch,                                       
And that's when I hit the oak tree...                       
                                                            
45234 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Ericka                   



You borrowed my Daimler last night;                         
And you had the most terrible fright?                       
You drove down the hill                                     
And did WHAT for a thrill?                                  
And you say the damage is slight?                           
                                                            
45235 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



You've crashed it? My God, I feel ill;                      
I told you take care of that hill.                          
You drive me demented.                                      
So where is it dented?                                      
The door panel, fender, or grille?                          
                                                            
45236 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



Don't snivel and snuffle and cough;                         
Just TELL me!....You've written it off!                     
What the hell were you doing?                               
You dreamed you were screwing                               
Me, giving the gear shift a boff!                           
                                                            
45237 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



You're a randy insatiable minx                              
With your sexual libidinous kinks.                          
Control yourself, Petal!                                    
Stop thinking of metal!                                     
You need a good smacking, methinks!                         
                                                            
45238 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



Come here, you insatiable tease;                            
Lift your frock and bend over my knees!                     
So, I see you wear scarlet                                  
Red panties, you harlot;                                    
I'll teach you to crash into trees!                         
                                                            
45239 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



Now take down your panties quite slow --                    
ly exposing your buttocks to show                           
Me; and stop all that giggling.                             
(Though now you are wriggling;                              
You're making my hollyhock grow.)                           
                                                            
45240 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



You're deserving one helluva smack,                         
But I can take my eyes off the crack                        
'Twixt your buttocks, my dear.                              
(Can you wriggle your rear?)                                
Oh my God, now your arching your back...                    
                                                            
45241 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



...And exposing your petals of rose;                        
And I'm quaking from head to my toes,                       
For you look so inviting                                    
And wildly exciting,                                        
I'm losing control of my hose.                              
                                                            
45242 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Peter Wilkins            



I guess if you've found a new mate,                         
I'll just have to sit back and wait                         
Or maybe just find me                                       
A new gal to grind me,                                      
Whose younger and nearer my state.                          
                                                            
45243 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



You're right, I am such an old hag,                         
Over my head I should wear a bag.                           
So get someone younger,                                     
'Cause honey I hunger,                                      
For guys with a dick that'll gag.                           
                                                            
45244 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



Then surely you've found the right place                    
Right here in my loving embrace,                            
Cause I've got a cock                                       
That will put you in shock,                                 
As I cram it in your pretty face.                           
                                                            
45245 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



I would love to see what you've brought                     
But I'm fearful that we'll get caught.                      
That's unless, of course                                    
We're inside of doors,                                      
'Cause otherwise I'll be distraught.                        
                                                            
45246 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



If you think twelve inches is little                        
Then I'm not the beau for your fiddle.                      
Your strings must be loose                                  
From humpin' some moose,                                    
Or riding an elephant's twiddle.                            
                                                            
45247 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



If you're such a master magician                            
You'd not be in such a position.                            
Go distribute your mass                                     
Til your tongue's up your ass,                              
And enjoy some self-oral coition.                           
                                                            
45248 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



I've heard of such strange things down south                
And makes me no longer ask howeth                           
Her lips turned all green                                   
With some fungus unclean --                                 
Now I know where she got athlete's mouth.                   
                                                            
45249 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



Here honey take this towel and wipe,                        
That white sticky goo off your pipe.                        
Don't lurk any longer,                                      
Your lims will get stronger,                                
And soon you'll be ready and ripe.                          
                                                            
45250 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



Lil' darlin', I love the reaction                           
You make to my lurid attraction,                            
That renders you 'wettish'                                  
While doing your fetish,                                    
But my 12 inch foot's just a fraction...                    
                                                            
45251 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



....Of good things to come, bless my sole.                  
And arch, angel-toes, so my pole                            
Will rise from de-feet                                      
With measure to meat                                        
Your pleasure as part of the hole.                          
                                                            
45252 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10                                



I sometimes can just barely stand                           
A gal with a trembling hand                                 
On my trouser snake.                                        
But for goodness sake,                                      
I know that the feeling is grand.                           
                                                            
45253 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Frank Fazed              



With this I do truly concur,                                
But I can't leave it all up to her.                         
There's plenty at stake                                     
Should she make a mistake.                                  
I could end up a prickless pauper.                          
                                                            
45254 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Frank Fazed              



How is it that this can go wrong,                           
Unless coming takes way too long.                           
A grip that's too tight,                                    
Expecially all night,                                       
Could result in a blistered schlong.                        
                                                            
45255 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Frank Fazed              



If you fool around with a tree,                             
It could be quite painful you see.                          
Whatever I've got,                                          
It won't screw a knot.                                      
I hope it's not splinters you pee.                          
                                                            
45256 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Frank Fazed              



I shall rudely dismiss that low blow                        
And tell you just what you don't know.                      
It's an acorn at rest,                                      
But when under a dress,                                     
To the mightiest oak, it doth grow!                         
                                                            
45257 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Frank Fazed              



You'd best keep that acorn from sight,                      
To ensure that things remain right.                         
Keep it in your clothes,                                    
'Cause every one knows,                                     
If Fall, nuts are a squirrel's delight.                     
                                                            
45258 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Karen                    



You see what has happened here?                             
They're toying with us, I do fear.                          
Those limerickless chicks                                   
Were just playing tricks...                                 
Let's leave them and go get a beer.                         
                                                            
45259 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Frank Fazed              



To taunts like this we are inured;                          
We're not chicken, of that be assured.                      
While we both stood aside,                                  
You said things that were snide,                            
And before this exchange, quite obscured.                   
                                                            
45260 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Karen                    



You were busy, Frank, with the spanking                     
Of Marlene, while Sweet Frank was yanking,                  
On his little acorn,                                        
Over which he has worn                                      
A frilly dress he once bought in Nanking.                   
                                                            
45261 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Petunia                  



You go ahead now, just have that beer,                      
After hearing this I won't come near.                       
SFA is a dress                                              
(And I thought he liked Bess)                               
Or you while you're working Marlene's derriere.             
                                                            
45262 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX - 10       Petunia                  



Now Travis's curse I do share.                              
I'll bugger a woman or mare.                                
A goat or a ewe,                                            
I'm happy to screw.                                         
Fear not, there is plenty to share.                         
                                                            
45263 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



Over Carol I'm lately obsessin';                            
My lust for her daily professin'.                           
I'd take her to school                                      
But she's nobody's fool...                                  
She may then teach me a good lesson.                        
                                                            
45264 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



Her breasts are a delightful size.                          
I love to look into her eyes.                               
The way that she walks,                                     
Or even just talks,                                         
It causes my manhood to rise.                               
                                                            
45265 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



Her legs are so smooth and so long.                         
I picture her ass in a thong.                               
On the bed she would writhe.                                
To Maryland I'll drive...                                   
One hand on the wheel, one on dong.                         
                                                            
45266 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



Oh Carol, my love and my dear,                              
Today I can't make it, I fear.                              
I was heading up the road,                                  
Working up a good load,                                     
But I lost it when I hit fourth gear.                       
                                                            
45267 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



How is it that I have been blessed                          
With all this sweet-talkin'; I guess.                       
You just have good taste;                                   
It won't go to waste.                                       
Get back on the road, I suggest.                            
                                                            
45268 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



And you look around you and find                            
That load that you left there, behind.                      
And bring it with you;                                      
We'll have a good screw,                                    
And your gears I'll thoroughly grind.                       
                                                            
45269 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



My room is clean before nine.                               
I've got a nice bottle of wine.                             
And if she wants to eat,                                    
I'll give her a treat,                                      
And feed her much more than a line!                         
                                                            
45270 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



If that wine you have there is white,                       
I might be enticed there tonight.                           
But Hon, I'm not easy,                                      
And if your treat's cheesy,                                 
I'll not nibble one little bite.                            
                                                            
45271 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



The wine that I offer is White.                             
It's fragrance is so sweet and light.                       
My treat is not cheesy;                                     
I'm really not sleazy,                                      
But a nibble would suit me just right.                      
                                                            
45272 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



Well, maybe a nibble or two;                                
Won't hurt 'til I get to know you.                          
So pour me some wine                                        
And if it tastes fine,                                      
Your treat I promise not to chew.                           
                                                            
45273 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



I'll pour you a little more wine;                           
We'll sit, and we'll sip, and we'll dine.                   
When its time for dessert,                                  
You can slip off that skirt,                                
And offer a treat so divine.                                
                                                            
45274 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



I'll lick and I'll nibble and suck,                         
Until your hips start to buck.                              
Then off to my bed                                          
You'll be happily led,                                      
For a long and passionate fuck.                             
                                                            
45275 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Griz                     



At least there's a hint of romance,                         
Before you get into my pants.                               
But one thing is missing,                                   
Before all the kissing,                                     
Will you sing to me while we dance?                         
                                                            
45276 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



My taste is not good, it is sweet.                          
As you'll see whenever we meet.                             
The load that I lost                                        
Has already been tossed.                                    
It made quite a mess on the seat.                           
                                                            
45277 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Grizz                    



I think I can help you revive,                              
That sweet load you tossed on the drive.                    
With a kiss and a lick,                                     
If you get here quick,                                      
But Hon, stay off I-95.                                     
                                                            
45278 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



I'm having a stroke from the heat.                          
I've nothing but aches in my feet.                          
Been bitten by flies,                                       
Chigger bites on my thighs;                                 
Sweat pours from my pretty pink meat.                       
                                                            
45279 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



I usually practice restraint,                               
And rarely will voice a complaint.                          
So I'll suffer in stride                                    
'Cause there is a bright side;                              
There ain't nothing wrong with my taint.                    
                                                            
45280 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



Between your sweet meat and your stink,                     
Lies skin soft and tasty, I think.                          
Your backdoor is closed                                     
Because you imposed                                         
A ban on that hole that's not pink.                         
                                                            
45281 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



You labelled that door "egress only",                       
Which spawned a distinct no cock zone.  Lea-                
Ving all of us guys                                         
To wish for that prize                                      
You wrongly left chaste and quite lonely.                   
                                                            
45282 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



Does labelling holes wrong and right                        
Then make them less pleasing and tight?                     
Dear Carol, today                                           
If you'd only play                                          
With mine, my desire you'd excite!                          
                                                            
45283 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



If probing my ass with your finger                          
While over my cock your lips linger,                        
Is taboo for you,                                           
That makes me feel blue,                                    
'Cause baby, it sure swells my stinger.                     
                                                            
45284 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



I know you referred just to yours                           
And wouldn't get down on all fours                          
To open your butt                                           
For someone to rut,                                         
Where skid marks are born in your drawers.                  
                                                            
45285 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



Since this is the case, I'll just say:                      
Your sphincter I'll never betray.                           
But what if my tongue                                       
Ran over your bung,                                         
And caused you to shudder and sway?                         
                                                            
45286 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



If you are aroused, you might wanna                         
Experience rear-entry brawn.  A                             
Small finger, at first                                      
And then my big wurst,                                      
While teasing your clit?  That's nirvana!                   
                                                            
45287 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



But still, you may say, "Not for me!"                       
And I, without pause, would agree                           
To rouse your elation                                       
With deft stimulation                                       
Of non-backdoor places on thee.                             
                                                            
45288 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Randog                   



Why is it that you persevere?                               
There's no way you'll ever get near                         
The hole in my ass.                                         
Now please have some class,                                 
Or suffer my wrath, Randog dear.                            
                                                            
45289 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Carol                    



I know this is more than my norm,                           
But later I'm hoping for a storm.                           
Generally? In France.                                       
Specifically? Your pants!                                   
When you see my French maid's uniform.                      
                                                            
45290 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



But you are the menu, my dear,                              
And I love your maid's uniform gear.                        
We could have us some fun                                   
With it partly undone;                                      
Will you hold my asparagus spear?                           
                                                            
45291 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



But wait; this is dinner for one;                           
So let go, lest you fire off my gun;                        
For it's me who'll be eat-                                  
ing three courses, my sweet,                                
And I promise I've hardly begun.                            
                                                            
45292 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



Get up on this table and spread                             
Yourself wider. Pretend you're in bed.                      
And I'll start the first course                             
With some bechamel sauce.                                   
No, you can't start by giving me head.                      
(bechamel sauce - a bland white sauce)                      
45293 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



My first course is "Nipples Surprise".                      
As a starter they're just the right size.                   
For they're sweet and delectable,                           
Pert and erectable;                                         
Licking will make them arise.                               
                                                            
45294 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



My second course, "Pate de Thighs,"                         
Will ensure that my metal will rise.                        
But, my dearest, no nibbling,                               
Until you are dribbling                                     
With lust for my hollyhock prize.                           
                                                            
45295 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



Your tenderloins quiver, my dear,                           
When I stroke and caress you right here.                    
And I'll tickle and knead                                   
You until you are plead-                                    
ing for absolute bliss from my spear.                       
                                                            
45296 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



Your soft silky thighs are a dream;                         
(Oh my lover, please stifle that scream                     
Of desire.) I'll be ready                                   
To whip off your teddy,                                     
In time for dessert a la creme.                             
                                                            
45297 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm afraid I will have to deny                              
Your offers, for dessert, multiply.                         
For I've yet to prepare                                     
My coq au vin fare -                                        
I believe I'll start with a thigh.                          
                                                            
45298 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



Make sure that the wine sauce is near;                      
I'll just test you for tenderness, dear.                    
Mmm, that's just right.                                     
(I'll be feasting tonight!)                                 
Now, where has that coq disappeared?                        
                                                            
45299 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh! This is only one serving, c'est vrai?                   
I'll never eat it all, I daresay.                           
Perhaps I'll just start                                     
With this ending part,                                      
And pour on my wine sauce part way.                         
                                                            
45300 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



Sometimes, I lick off the sauce;                            
Sideways, and up and across.                                
And sometimes, I bite                                       
Right in with delight,                                      
Or draw with my tongue - I emboss.                          
                                                            
45301 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



But I never fail to get hot,                                
When I eat from the coq au vin pot.                         
I'm starting to sweat;                                      
Are you hot, my pet?                                        
Shall I carry on eating, whatnot??                          
                                                            
45302 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Jim Weaver Collection    



Be quick! Get the parachutes, dear!                         
Yes, they're under that flap in the rear.                   
What d'ya mean, you can't find them?                        
Oh hell! Never mind them;                                   
Grab hold of this joystick and steer.                       
                                                            
45303 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



I said JOYSTICK, my love, not my thing!                     
Where's the glue and that ball of old string?               
For I need to repair                                        
This enormous great tear                                    
Which appears to have ripped through the wing.              
                                                            
45304 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



Oh wait! There's a good stretch of sand;                    
Get this kite in position to land.                          
There's a hole 'neath my seat                               
For my legs and my feet,                                    
And I'll use them as brakes, understand?                    
                                                            
45305 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



Well you did say you'd come on this flight                  
If I took off and landed all right;                         
But the bit in between                                      
I could not have foreseen.                                  
I'm sorry, my Petal delight.                                
                                                            
45306 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



Now we're Bali well lost in the jungle.                     
I'll search in the wreckage; among all                      
The stuff there's a compass.                                
Don't kick up a rumpus;                                     
I'm guilty, I know, of this bungle.                         
                                                            
45307 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



I'll make it up later tonight,                              
With an evening of blissful delight.                        
And it's no good you pouting,                               
I'm sorry this outing                                       
Has caused you a terrible fright.                           
                                                            
45308 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Peter Wilkins            



You're looking so sad and forlorn,                          
With your panties all tattered and torn,                    
And your petals are showing;                                
I feel something growing;                                   
I'm getting a regular horn...                               
                                                            
45309 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



At the thought of our loving sublime,                       
It's a most inappropriate time.                             
Yes I know that, my dear.                                   
Maybe later? I fear                                         
We've a bloody great mountain to climb.                     
                                                            
45310 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



We've been climbing for over an hour,                       
In this heavy and thundery shower,                          
And your dress is all wringing                              
With water and clinging                                     
So tight to your nipples, my flower.                        
                                                            
45311 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



I know, darling Petal, I know,                              
We've got hundreds of miles still to go.                    
But whatever's the matter,                                  
Your mad as a hatter;                                       
Stop kicking my bits down below.                            
                                                            
45312 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



I'm sorry, love. Hang on a sec!                             
We've been going in circles; that wreck                     
Down below is our plane,                                    
And ... Oh no! Look again!                                  
It's a cruise ship with people on deck.                     
                                                            
45313 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



Now take off your panties, my pet.                          
(Oh my God, you look good in the wet.)                      
If you wave them about                                      
While I bellow and shout,                                   
We'll be saved from disaster, I bet.                        
                                                            
45314 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



I think they have seen us! The crew                         
Are all waving their peckers at you!                        
Let's run down to the beach                                 
Where they'll easily reach                                  
Us and throw us a lifeline or two.                          
                                                            
45315 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



Whack! You don't half pack a punch!                         
Are you hungry, my sweet honey-bunch?                       
For there's nothing much finer                              
That wine on a liner,                                       
With dinner and breakfast and lunch.                        
                                                            
45316 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



The Captain's invited us, dear,                             
To his table tonight  and it's clear                        
That we cannot say no.                                      
(Though we could stay below                                 
And have fun in this cabin right here.)                     
                                                            
45317 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



Well, OK then, later maybe.                                 
After cocktails and dinner, we'll see.                      
If you feel in the mood                                     
To be naughty and lewd;                                     
I hope you will forgive me, dear E.                         
                                                            
45318 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Pewter Wilkins           



Look at my hair -- it's a mess!                             
Missing parts of my dress!                                  
My cheeks are quite pale;                                   
I've broken a nail                                          
And you want to kiss and caress?                            
                                                            
45319 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



There'll be none of that going on here,                     
Till you earn forgiveness, my dear.                         
Your tropical dream                                         
Has been one long scream.                                   
(And I've lost my bikini cashmere!)                         
                                                            
45320 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



I want you to think long and hard,                          
How my defenses, you will bombard,                          
To earn exculpation                                         
For this wild vacation.                                     
It better be good, my dear bard...                          
                                                            
45321 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



It's better to give than receive?                           
It might be, but then I'm naive.                            
Let us meet for a while                                     
On a Pacific isle,                                          
Who knows we might not ever leave.                          
                                                            
45322 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



'Tis a shame we're meeting this way,                        
With no chance to fondle or lay.                            
I'd brave waves and thunder                                 
To taste Julie down under,                                  
Before I turn wrinkled and grey.                            
                                                            
45323 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



To your every whim I will cater,                            
Hoping we may meet up later.                                
But if its not to be,                                       
Don't pity me,                                              
'Cause I have this SUPER vibrator!                          
                                                            
45324 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



It's fun, there's no doubt this is true,                    
But it can't fully replace you.                             
For without those lips,                                     
And hot fingertips,                                         
At makes for an most empty screw.                           
                                                            
45325 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



So, bring me your tongue so fine,                           
And drink me like a bottle of wine.                         
Linger for a bit                                            
On the tip of my clit...                                    
Ah yes, my love, that's devine!                             
                                                            
45326 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



I'm glad that I'm somewhat unique                           
When it's sexual pleasure you seek.                         
So take Frank to your bed                                   
'Til the battery 's dead;                                   
I'll only be gone for a week.                               
                                                            
45327 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



Then I'll sip of the wine ala femme;                        
The container is really a gem.                              
I'm glad it's not glass                                     
(Might scratch up your ass)                                 
As I'm adding a fine thickened stem.                        
                                                            
45328 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



Just run your tongue around the rim,                        
And hear the hum of my crystal quim.                        
Don't do it too fast,                                       
For I will not last,                                        
Just bring me to the edge, to the brim.                     
                                                            
45329 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



Leave me teetering there for a while,                       
Then approach for the final mile.                           
It's worth it you see,                                      
To satisfy me.                                              
I guarantee to return the smile.                            
                                                            
45330 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



I don't want to linger too long,                            
The feeling I see's getting strong.                         
You had better come                                         
Before you go numb,                                         
Then a rest 'fore I bury my prong.                          
                                                            
45331 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



Now if you're expecting a "mile"                            
I'm gonna be there quite a while.                           
I'll stroke 'til I'm sore,                                  
Seven thousand or more,                                     
'Fore I cross the line with a smile.                        
                                                            
45332 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10                                



It couln't have been me falling in                          
For I'm free of all sexual sin.                             
After promising Doc                                         
I'd take care of my cock.                                   
Was it not my identical twin?                               
                                                            
45333 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Peter Wilkins            



You might have imagined it, pet,                            
It that state of high tension you get,                      
When you're squirming around                                
With a whimpering sound,                                    
As you panties get thoroghly wet.                           
                                                            
45334 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Peter Wilkins            



It wasn't mad Pete who fell in,                             
Nor yet his identical twin.                                 
If you've not guessed yet,                                  
Who got you all wet,                                        
Then list to the tale that I spin.                          
                                                            
45335 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Archie                   



I purchased a good rubber mask                              
Of Peter. I then had the task                               
Of buying red scanties,                                     
'Cause if I was Andantes,                                   
My name you would not think to ask!                         
                                                            
45336 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Archie                   



When tried, it all worked like a dream;                     
When I dropped in, you failed to scream!                    
We quickly got set,                                         
Removed panties, wet.                                       
While I screwed, I was not who I seemed.                    
                                                            
45337 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Archie                   



You'll just have to wait until Sat-                         
urday; then I'll be free to do that                         
Which you're craving, my dear,                              
With my stiffening spear;                                   
But till then it stays under my hat.                        
                                                            
45338 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Peter Wilkins            



What? Under my hat? Yes, I know                             
It's absurd, but my touser commo-                           
tion embarrasses me                                         
When those 44D                                              
Cups I see, make my hollyhock grow.                         
                                                            
45339 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Peter Wilkins            



The problem is people; they stare                           
Like they know what I'm hiding down there;                  
And they laugh as they watch                                
Me adjusting my crotch.                                     
And it fills me with deepest dispair.                       
                                                            
45340 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Peter Wilkins            



But aren't you a qualified Doc                              
Of Psychology, used to the shock                            
Of perversions much worse                                   
Than the one which I nurse.                                 
And which causes a bulge in my jock?                        
                                                            
45341 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Peter Wilkins            



If my Psych advice you do seek,                             
Then we can't have sex for a week.                          
The privileged talk                                         
Between patient and Doc,                                    
Requires concentration unique.                              
                                                            
45342 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



You may feel a bit creepy,                                  
And sometimes laughy or weepy,                              
But once hypnotized,                                        
You'll tell me no lies.                                     
Now, my dear, you're getting sleepy.                        
                                                            
45343 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



Your first love was a girl named Maureen;                   
You were both just shy of sixteen.                          
She'd OK a fondle,                                          
but you went beyond all,                                    
And sucked both her nipples off clean.                      
                                                            
45344 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



Oh Peter, I felt we were bonding --                         
Why have you stopped responding?                            
You need stimulation?                                       
Professional fellation?                                     
We Psychs call that "Magic Wanding!"                        
                                                            
45345 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



Now you've started talking again.                           
Let's try to analyze his brain.                             
His nursury nanny                                           
Had bazooms uncanny.                                        
(You don't need me to explain.)                             
                                                            
45346 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



I can't believe we've spent seven days                      
In this post-hypnotic haze.                                 
But please rest assured                                     
I pronounce you cured.                                      
(But I'm in a sexual daze.)                                 
                                                            
45347 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



So sorry, your treatment must cease!                        
I've aches of my own that need ease!                        
Share this couch, lover,                                    
My turn to recover!                                         
Now probe me all night, if you please.                      
                                                            
45348 NETWORKS - CYBERSEX ->10       Ericka                   



I have just declared a jihad                                
On writers whose postings are bad.                          
If you post in prose                                        
Then anything goes --                                       
I'm angry, upset and I'm mad!                               
                                                            
45349 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



To AOL'ers you discount your stuff?                         
Life can be painful and tough,                              
But to pander your jokes                                    
To those pitiful folks?                                     
They've already suffered enough!                            
                                                            
45350 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



We do not need all your arse peeves,                        
And no formal dressing too, please.                         
The bare minimum we say,                                    
That goes off anyway,                                       
Use clean language folks -- avoid sleaze!                   
                                                            
45351 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



The Lord of the Flies got a swat!                           
He's a devil!  A god he is not!                             
No way a hero?                                              
An absolute zero?                                           
He surely deserves what he got.                             
                                                            
45352 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Observer                 



I once had a pig that could fly.                            
Slick Willie ne'er once told a lie.                         
Saddam's not insane.                                        
Roseanne's not a pain.                                      
Beelzebub's a really nice guy.                              
                                                            
45353 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Pookie                   



Pathetic attempts leave me bored.                           
It is no surprise you've been gored.                        
Back out of the light,                                      
Till you have learned to write.                             
I think you had best be ignored.                            
                                                            
45354 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Frank Fazed              



You're not twisted dipshit -- You're lame,                  
Deserving of more than a flame.                             
We'll shove your free beers                                 
Deep into your ears,                                        
And you've only yourself to blame.                          
                                                            
45355 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Beelzebub's neck's in a noose!                              
He may think of calling a truce.                            
If flames make him bitter,                                  
He might then consider                                      
Changing his name to Bubba or Bruce!                        
                                                            
45356 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Redneck                  



You've just made a deadly mistake;                          
The last one that you'll ever make.                         
For now with my trusty                                      
Old penknife, so rusty,                                     
I'll hack off your testicles, Jake.                         
                                                            
45357 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Peter Wilkins            



Dear Carl, your limericks do suck;                          
Their rhythm, the crash of a truck.                         
Try hard to be rude,                                        
And more so, be lewd,                                       
And never censor the word FUCK.                             
                                                            
45358 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



If only I could have three wishes,                          
I'd first serve you up on small dishes.                     
Next, concrete overshoes,                                   
So your body we'd lose.                                     
Last, I'd send you off to the fishes!                       
                                                            
45359 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Archie                   



To you it might sound a bit crass,                          
Or completely lacking in class.                             
Hang on to your shorts,                                     
One of our cohorts                                          
Is likely to just crisp your ass.                           
                                                            
45360 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Frank Fazed              



Your spam we find cruder than crude;                        
Once more I am forced to allude                             
To what we might do                                         
To spammers like you --                                     
The prospects, some say, are too lewd.                      
                                                            
45361 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



What a pleasure to tell you good-bye!                       
You're not welcome, I tell you no lie!                      
And so, if you please,                                      
Just take your disease,                                     
And keep it, and curl up and die.                           
                                                            
45362 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



If only you'd let us, dear Daily,                           
Escape from your clutches so scaly;                         
Though we scorch you with flame,                            
You persist, all the same -                                 
Must I ask with my hardened shillelagh?                     
                                                            
45363 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



But in commerce you're clearly engaging,                    
In this battle to spam us you're waging,                    
When you ask for donations                                  
For your wild accusations,                                  
And cookies are sent from your paging.                      
                                                            
45364 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Guess what!  I just couldn't care less;                     
You belong in a pit full of cess.                           
And care for my karma                                       
Means I should do harma                                     
To fools who just litter and mess.                          
                                                            
45365 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Anon                     



Defender seems quite out of sorts;                          
His balls must be caught in his shorts.                     
His coffee should be                                        
I think, caffeine free,                                     
If through this group, he want to cavorts.                  
                                                            
45366 NETWORKS - FLAMES              RidgeNOrfg               



The mother of Malo was crude,                               
And raised up a very large brood                            
With different fathers.                                     
She screwed in hot lathers;                                 
Semen stains were all that she chewed.                      
                                                            
45367 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Archie                   



An advertisement it's not;                                  
Not rhyme nor meter it's got.                               
It still fails the test                                     
So do not post her lest                                     
You improve on your rhyming a lot.                          
                                                            
45368 NETWORKS - FLAMES              K-man                    



Then try passing solids, not soup;                          
I don't want to swim in your poop.                          
Down here in the dumps,                                     
We only need lumps                                          
From people who crap in this group.                         
                                                            
45369 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



I wish we could get all these spammers,                     
And then rip off all their pajammas,                        
Then torture their dicks                                    
With strange Eastern tricks,                                
Then throw what is left in the slammers                     
                                                            
45370 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Your level is not very high;                                
You don't even bother to try.                               
Writing limericks here                                      
Where we hold them so dear;                                 
Please drink some drano and die!                            
                                                            
45371 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Some spammers do really incense;                            
They are so incredibly dense.                               
But none quite so bad                                       
As these unbroken ads.                                      
Strap your ass to an electric fence.                        
                                                            
45372 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Tiddy Ogg                



The idea you got there is right,                            
But the rhyming just isn't quite tight.                     
Your meter is loose,                                        
So give it a goose                                          
And then we might have a fair fight.                        
                                                            
45373 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Cheryl                   



I see that your brain is still small,                       
Much like the size of your ball.                            
We don't give a fuck                                        
What you think, you schmuck,                                
So go to a cliff and please fall.                           
                                                            
45374 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



You're bound to be apprehensive;                            
After all, liposuction's expensive.                         
But you need to act quick                                   
For you are a fat prick                                     
And I'm trying not to be too offensive.                     
                                                            
45375 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Anon                     



There was an old bastard named Jason,                       
Whose horrible death I would hasten.                        
I'd feed him to worms,                                      
To see how he squirms,                                      
But they'd vomit his crap in a basin.                       
                                                            
45376 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Hey, Astra, Don't pick on that lass!                        
This news group could do with some class.                   
Forgive all the crimes                                      
While reading the rhymes,                                   
And keep flames confined to your ass!                       
                                                            
45377 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Bob Leclerc              



At kindness, I've been somewhat ineptical;                  
At times, I've made some folks dyspeptical.                 
But I've turned a new leaf.                                 
If that's beyond belief,                                    
Then fuck all you bastards who're skeptical.                
                                                            
45378 NETWORKS - FLAMES              MrMalo                   



There's a zoo hailing from the Northwest                    
Who, despite our advice, feels it best                      
To concoct dopey verses                                     
Which bring only curses --                                  
Actaeon, please give it a rest!                             
                                                            
45379 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



My posting is surely an endeavor                            
For while it's also not very clever,                        
I'm not quite so crude                                      
As to say "Fuck you, Dude!"                                 
Oops! Well!...I did, but I thought I'd never!               
                                                            
45380 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



What the fuck was that you wrote, Herkin?                   
Your head must have not been workin'.                       
If you play with your dick                                  
Like you write limerick,                                    
Get someone else to do the jerkin'!                         
                                                            
45381 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



This I can say with great wit,                              
And many don't seem to get it:                              
One man's satire                                            
Is another's burning tire.                                  
So I am forced to flame every twit.                         
                                                            
45382 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Come out from the closet, you cad!                          
Or are you afraid to be spotted unclad?                     
Will the folks find you silly                               
With your wee little willie?                                
Now please don't you go away mad!                           
                                                            
45383 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Please John, if you can, write some code                    
To block out the cross-posters load                         
Of shit that don't rhyme.                                   
And if you've the time,                                     
Please make their lame gonads explode.                      
                                                            
45384 NETWORKS - FLAMES              H Welchel                



I see Aitch has not changed a bit;                          
Eight weeks and he's still writing shit.                    
But his new shortened name                                  
Will not strain his brain.                                  
He can focus on thinking and wit.                           
                                                            
45385 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Big Bob            TP9807



We're sorry our rhymes don't please you,                    
But we're doing the best we can do.                         
So please have some pity;                                   
Some day we'll be witty;                                    
This is really a hard working crew.                         
                                                            
45386 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Mike Hunter              



I have just been reading this mail,                         
And think you're gone off the rail.                         
You think that you're witty,                                
Thus, get all of my pity;                                   
In life you are destined to fail.                           
                                                            
45387 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Richard Martin           



I see from your latest foray                                
That you're having a very bad day.                          
I'm tempted to spank you                                    
But instead I shall thank you --                            
For proving what I had to say!                              
                                                            
45388 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Applying your toothless invectives,                         
Confusing the chosen ad-jectives:                           
It's breath that is stronger,                               
In that silly monger,                                       
Along with his other defectives.                            
                                                            
45389 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



To judge by the form of your letter,                        
I'm sure that this girl could do better.                    
If she has any taste,                                       
Your attempt is a waste;                                    
In which case it's best to forget her.                      
                                                            
45390 NETWORKS - FLAMES              MrMalo                   



There was a young homo from Sway;                           
Diceman was the name of this Gay,                           
Who posted much prose                                       
And did not compose                                         
Limericks. For his crimes he will pay.                      
                                                            
45391 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



What we have in this newsgroup's hilarious                  
Without miserable spammers nefarious.                       
Though you've got to have balls                             
To defile thess halls,                                      
Your attachment to them grows precarious.                   
                                                            
45392 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



With my brilliance, you clearly can't cope,                 
As around, with your own trash, you mope.                   
But don't hold your breath;                                 
The event of my death,                                      
For this you can only just hope.                            
                                                            
45393 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



You are not just a simple cow;                              
Goddamn fool is what you are now.                           
At least look at the form,                                  
Before you pour scorn                                       
And expose you ignorance, you sow!                          
                                                            
45394 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Archie                   



Started this was by a bore;                                 
The son of a rattled old whore.                             
He now should be now flung                                  
In a heap of pig dung,                                      
And left to remain ever more.                               
                                                            
45395 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



You've got it all wrong once again.                         
Too many hard posts here remain.                            
Post holes are the no-shows,                                
So pack up your limp hose,                                  
And stop your sad pleas, so inane.                          
                                                            
45396 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



I'm sure there will be more to come,                        
Just as soon as I can think of some.                        
Now your flames and your fight                              
Which, no doubt, will ignite,                               
Can be answered by inserting your thumb.                    
                                                            
45397 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Netiquette seems to be dead.                                
Blaine?  We should twist off his head.                      
He don't care a bit                                         
To rhyme up his wit.                                        
His daddy and ma?  Interbred.                               
(Blaine Shisler from shallow end of the gene pool)          
45398 NETWORKS - FLAMES              H WHELCHEL               



I'd make you all minions, enslaved;                         
You'd cower, and grow well behaved.                         
But dollar for dollar,                                      
It's cheaper to holler.                                     
Thank Jesus for Spam - you are saved.                       
                                                            
45399 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Well look here, it's Keven O'Conner.                        
To what do we owe this grand honor?                         
You stroll in our place,                                    
Throw dirt in our face,                                     
Persist and you'll soon be a goner.                         
                                                            
45400 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Frank Fazed              



I'm not surprised you've been caught;                       
You sound thick as a brick and you ought                    
To be kicked in the balls                                   
And your head smashed on walls;                             
It's our favorite spam-poster sport.                        
                                                            
45401 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Peter Wilkins            



John's posting proves he is an ass,                         
When he wrote us his letter so crass.                       
His only post ever                                          
Really wasn't so clever,                                    
And was clearly lacking in class.                           
                                                            
45402 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Hey buddy, we're laughing at YOU!                           
And your sorry, despicable crew                             
Of purveyors of SPAM.                                       
Well, take it and cram                                      
It, before we all cram it for you.                          
                                                            
45403 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



Perhaps I should make myself clear                          
Lest I be misunderstood as I fear.                          
I hope you realize,                                         
You should not criticize;                                   
To lead by example, you steer!                              
                                                            
45404 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Why's it so hard to convey                                  
To the people who post here this way;                       
The madness that's here                                     
Has method that's clear.                                    
Limericks are all you should say!                           
                                                            
45405 NETWORKS - FLAMES              LadyJ                    



Please don't forget me, Ms Spuddie,                         
The Irishman forgets, you see,                              
That limericks are dirty,                                   
Not sweet and not purty;                                    
On that fact most all can agree.                            
                                                            
45406 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Arden                    



Malo, where are you when you're needed?                     
The rest of us all have conceded.                           
You're the best killer yet                                  
Of Spam on the net,                                         
And this newsgroup again must be weeded.                    
                                                            
45407 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



Dear Spammer, we want you to know                           
That your posting is falling below                          
Where we draw the line.                                     
Racist/sexist is fine,                                      
But your rhyme and your meter don't go.                     
                                                            
45408 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



No, Jessica's medium is shit;                               
She's spamming us here with no wit.                         
What talent she has                                         
May be good 'nough for jazz,                                
But we folks don't like it one bit.                         
                                                            
45409 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



A spammer complained with a sigh,                           
"Old Mum's a bit mouldy and dry.                            
She never responds                                          
Or tugs at her bonds.                                       
I miss that sweet gleam in her eye."                        
                                                            
45410 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



To this group, you're obviously new;                        
Of our rules, you haven't a clue.                           
We're all down and dirty,                                   
Really quite flirty,                                        
And Malo gives spammers their due!                          
                                                            
45411 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Arden                    



I'm new to this group, I admit;                             
Why's MrMalo having a fit?                                  
His actions are rude                                        
And uncommonly crude                                        
To us Ladies and Women of Wit.                              
                                                            
45412 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Rapunzel                 



There's a turd in the punch bowl, I fear,                   
And the smell is excedingly queer.                          
The riddle by Mulqueen                                      
Has more smell than sheen;                                  
Lets throw the bloke right out of here.                     
                                                            
45413 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



I couldn't have stated it better,                           
To this asshole for his spam letter.                        
We just do a slow burn;                                     
They never will learn.                                      
Does there exist a on-line paper shredder?                  
                                                            
45414 NETWORKS - FLAMES              S C Saint                



It's impossible just to ignore                              
Such a chauvinistic old bore.                               
To your sexist twattle                                      
And copious rattle,                                         
I'll just quote Poe and say, "Nevermore."                   
                                                            
45415 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



I think it's wise you take a pass.                          
You DID NOT attribute, alas.                                
The rest is clap trap,                                      
You wouldn't share crap.                                    
Don't let the door slam on your ass.                        
                                                            
45416 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Frank Fazed              



You can't jamb your willy nowhere                           
Unless, perchance you had two pair:                         
You're lacking your nuts                                    
From my cruelest cuts --                                    
I guess you forgot they're not there.                       
                                                            
45417 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Yo Two Dogs, I'm afraid this is it;                         
I'm sick of your Macho bullshit.                            
You posture and pose                                        
When everyone knows,                                        
You have got no nuts, they've been snipped!                 
                                                            
45418 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



To criticize, you are pretty quick,                         
But how about making it stick.                              
You spout off the most,                                     
But without your own post,                                  
Your opinions could never mean dick!                        
                                                            
45419 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Your knowledge of rhythm is faint.                          
Your spelling's decidedly quaint,                           
And your rhyming is lame.                                   
Do these things have a name?                                
For limericks surely they ain't!                            
                                                            
45420 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Barrie                   



It's nothing my system could see,                           
But it seemed not a limerick to me.                         
So perhaps just as well,                                    
I'll not have to tell                                       
The fool to go jump in the sea.                             
                                                            
45421 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Anon                     



Oh, Henry, go play with the cars                            
Or blast yourself right off to Mars                         
Or stick pressured gas                                      
Right into your ass                                         
'Cause here, you're not one of the stars!                   
                                                            
45422 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



No, I am not fucked up in the head,                         
As your previous posting had said.                          
I am merely blind                                           
And delighted to find                                       
That my brain, unlike yours, is not dead.                   
                                                            
45423 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



You dare to call this crap science?                         
Well I wouldn't put much reliance                           
On a dickheaded poop,                                       
Who posts jokes to this group                               
This is limericks -- you're out of compliance!              
                                                            
45424 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



To post in 'just text' is not cool;                         
They will think that you are a fool.                        
Please do try to rhyme                                      
And don't post in MIME,                                     
It's so simple to follow this rule.                         
                                                            
45425 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Klaas de Jong            



As for heaven or hades my friend,                           
We all will find out in the end.                            
That's 'tween me and my maker,                              
And the potato baker.                                       
I'm not scared, on that you can depend.                     
                                                            
45426 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Cheryl                   



I don't think he was that innocent,                         
That he thought he could misrepresent                       
Someone else's good work.                                   
Just proves he's a jerk;                                    
He should have given stealing up for lent.                  
                                                            
45427 NETWORKS - FLAMES              S C Saint                



If you want to complain, do it right;                       
Don't use prose getting really uptight.                     
You should say it in verse                                  
Only thus may you curse.                                    
Just a thought here, I'm not out to fight.                  
                                                            
45428 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Liz having a kid is just fine;                              
Just so long as it isn't mine.                              
Just give it my name                                        
And then live in shame.                                     
You ain't rhyming, so don't waste our time!                 
                                                            
45429 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Burrito Man              



The last time I fell from my seat                           
I was riding a girl in full heat,                           
While you stood there jerking;                              
As now, you were lurking,                                   
Perspiring and beating your meat.                           
                                                            
45430 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



We can see you from here, you schmuck!                      
Are you dense as a fucking puck?                            
Only limericks in this place                                
So get out of our face,                                     
'Fore you think you've been hit by a truck.                 
                                                            
45431 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Saint                    



Sylvie -- who is this young lass?                           
I'm new here, but it's come to pass                         
That she may be quite fair                                  
With a beautiful pair --                                    
Why are all of you pains in the ass?                        
                                                            
45432 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



I had once thought, at a mere glance,                       
That limericks might take a high stance.                    
But you guys are too haughty,                               
Towards those who're less naughty;                          
All I smell here is flatulence.                             
                                                            
45433 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Kevin O'Conner           



A boring old fuck once dropped in;                          
Expletives he thought he would fling.                       
He'd had his brain drained;                                 
It cannot be trained;                                       
And his head is the size of a pin!                          
                                                            
45434 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Archie                   



Poor Sumaq is one of those few                              
Who cannot give a devil his due;                            
For it seems that my pith                                   
Is less hit and more myth --                                
In which case, mortal fool, pith on you.                    
                                                            
45435 NETWORKS - FLAMES              BEELZEBUB          TP9804



The sound of the pot screaming back,                        
Insisting the kettle is black.                              
If that's pointed out,                                      
The miserable lout                                          
Will duck it like any ol' quack.                            
                                                            
45436 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Aye, the limerick pattern is dying                          
For posters in prose now are frying;                        
Those ignorant toads                                        
Posting bombastic goads,                                    
Against the prose posters underlying.                       
                                                            
45437 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Old Puff once of fangs was bereft:                          
A harelip with gaping-assed cleft.                          
But now he's got bite,                                      
And got his art right.                                      
When asked howzzit hangin', it's "left".                    
                                                            
45438 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Main,                         
Who said, "It has happened again!                           
I don't care if it's terse,                                 
Either put it in verse,                                     
Or I'll bitch and I'll kvetch and complain."                
                                                            
45439 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



If it is good jokes that I crave,                           
I'll sub-link to my old friend Dave.                        
His browser's a whore,                                      
She'll find me some more,                                   
Now ram this spam up in your cave!                          
                                                            
45440 NETWORKS - FLAMES              H WHELCHEL               



Although I've grown old and quite paunchy,                  
I sure don't need you to get raunchy!                       
So cease and desist                                         
Before we get pissed                                        
And make you cry out like a banshee.                        
                                                            
45441 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



For the spammer we've got a cool lab;                       
And we'll strap the bloke down on a slab;                   
His wife will freak out                                     
O'er the ring through his snout;                            
It'll make him much simpler to grab!                        
                                                            
45442 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



We've got a big bag of rock salt,                           
Some ground glass, and liquid asphalt.                      
We're masters of pain.                                      
Don't post here again.                                      
Your screams won't escape from the Vault.                   
                                                            
45443 NETWORKS - FLAMES              H Welchel                



I doubt if I'll cry out for mercy,                          
From limp-wristed fellows like Percy.                       
The two sets of rules                                       
Appear in your drools,                                      
Which really should be much more terse, see?                
                                                            
45444 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



From this guy we would get a bad rap:                       
Good sir, we said nothing of crap;                          
'Less you smell like a rose,                                
Don't wrinkle your nose,                                    
And kindly, sir, shut up your trap                          
                                                            
45445 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



How 'bout more of you staying on topic?                     
Or is the dear eye quite myopic?                            
Do it in verse,                                             
Even if terse,                                              
Else your brain be acclaimed microscopic.                   
                                                            
45446 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



There are ways to deal with a spammer...                    
We'd all like to throw in the slammer.                      
Each one who posts here                                     
In the place we hold dear,                                  
To see limericks and not more spam clamor.                  
                                                            
45447 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



If you happen to need a new "groaner",                      
Come to me and I'll give you a loaner.                      
You'll have groans en masse,                                
When I shove up your ass                                    
My Spam-killing eighteen-inch boner.                        
                                                            
45448 NETWORKS - FLAMES              MrMalo                   



In the slough where all spammers shall die,                 
Is a come rag that's spread in a sty,                       
Near a low-hanging bough.                                   
When there's shortage of sow,                               
It gets hung aloft, so as to dry.                           
                                                            
45449 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Clay is the troll of the net;                               
Likes to see how much fan mail he'll get.                   
He's now having fun,                                        
'Cause he's under the gun,                                  
Though he still can't spell worth a shet.                   
                                                            
45450 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Are all of the folks in Great Britain                       
Like you, with themselves mighty smitten?                   
Well, I think you're shit,                                  
A gutless wee twit.                                         
Go away, hide yourself, and stay hidden.                    
                                                            
45451 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Mike Hunter              



Some of us can't rhyme, I hear;                             
Like me, after lots of beer.                                
Your meter needs work;                                      
I think you're a jerk.                                      
Stay out of this newsgroup, my dear.                        
                                                            
45452 NETWORKS - FLAMES              LadyJ                    



Your limerick's quite apropos                               
To the ham-handed fools who don't know                      
That posts of this sort                                     
Get a rhyming retort;                                       
Perhaps they'd try stewing up crow.                         
                                                            
45453 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



A Swedish contortionist, Lars,                              
Was one of the circus world's stars.                        
He did what those spammers                                  
Despite all our clamours                                    
Cannot -- stick his head up his arse.                       
                                                            
45454 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Tiddy                    



This lameless SPAM spewer named Mike,                       
To him I say, "Go take a hike!"                             
He's crossposted in places                                  
Where you'd not show your faces.                            
He need to be stuffed with a spike.                         
                                                            
45455 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Lil Chas                 



Defender at "ignorance...painful"                           
Should be working at something more gainful.                
Just to swipe and not edit,                                 
Attribute or credit,                                        
Is disgusting, stupid, and shameful.                        
                                                            
45456 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



Ignoring the best way to go,                                
For those who can't see a 'bon mot',                        
He does seem quite shallow...                               
Or shall I use 'callow'?                                    
He ought to go suck his big toe.                            
                                                            
45457 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Pilar                    



Another huge dollop of drivel                               
From someone who sounds like a snivel-                      
ling wretch - now desist                                    
Or your bollocks I'll twist,                                
'Til it causes your eyeballs to swivel.                     
                                                            
45458 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Perhaps arsenic is your bag;                                
That'd sure put your guts in a snag.                        
And likely you'd quit                                       
Writing rhymes that don't fit,                              
And we'd all toast the death of a hag.                      
                                                            
45459 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh shit!  You are in the wrong group.                       
While we let you, then please take your poop                
To alt.tasteless.jokes:                                     
Go bother those folks,                                      
Who so gently will teach you the scoop.                     
                                                            
45460 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



A boor and a prude is the Kid                               
Who goes about flipping his lid.                            
A wild sense of humour,                                     
In him's just a rumour.                                     
I hope that of him we're soon rid.                          
                                                            
45461 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



A failure in terms of his wit,                              
The Kid is revealed as a nit.                               
I pray that his balls                                       
Get no curtain calls,                                       
And his ears are filled up with shit.                       
                                                            
45462 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Archie                   



Don't get yourself in a spin;                               
This Spam War we never shall win.                           
When they are done,                                         
With us overrun,                                            
They'll do it again and again.                              
                                                            
45463 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Arden                    



So you think that we shouldn't throw stones                 
From glass castles at those astride thrones?                
But the tinkle of glass                                     
Really tickles my ass,                                      
And I do get a kick from your groans.                       
                                                            
45464 NETWORKS - FLAMES              John Miller              



At least, Alex Arsehole, she tries,                         
And if, sir, you must criticise,                            
Then one line of prose                                      
Ain't how, heaven knows;                                    
So go, trap your dick in your flies.                        
                                                            
45465 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Steve, get yourself in high gear,                           
And leave us to limerick here.                              
Or if you've no skill,                                      
Just wank yourself ill.                                     
I hope this is perfectly clear.                             
                                                            
45466 NETWORKS - FLAMES              H WHELCHEL               



Why must you post this old grime?                           
This newgroup much favors new slime.                        
So get out your rhymer,                                     
Your timer and primer,                                      
And sit down and pitch a fresh rhyme.                       
                                                            
45467 NETWORKS - FLAMES              H Whelchel               



There seems quite a market in spam;                         
It's sort of like crow in a jam.                            
Instead of complaining,                                     
We should start some caning                                 
With limerick whacks and a wham.                            
                                                            
45468 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



How depressing to listen to you ...                         
Why, you'd have us lose faith 'fore you're through.         
I'll not take you to task                                   
But just simply ask,                                        
"So, tell me... just what else is new?"                     
                                                            
45469 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



Jeeves, Jeeves, you witless shit!                           
Your barbs don't faze me one little bit!                    
Your slanderous rhymes                                      
Are a waste of time,                                        
And amount to no more than pointless spit!                  
                                                            
45470 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Jim Weaver Collection    



Those old gals deserve to be kissed,                        
'Cause unlike you, arsehole, who's missed                   
On much education,                                          
A disgrace to our nation,                                   
They don't post crap getting us pissed.                     
                                                            
45471 NETWORKS - FLAMES                                       



I find it somewhat of a shame                               
That you have an asexual name.                              
Now I know that you lack                                    
The requisite crack,                                        
You must find someone else to inflame.                      
                                                            
45472 NETWORKS - FLAMES              Professor                



Now Barbington wrote that, you cunt,                        
If, plagiarist, you have to hunt                            
For other folks work,                                       
Give credit, you jerk.                                      
Go ass-fuck yourself with a punt.                           
                                                            
45473 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



What difference is there between you                        
And my primary rectal flue?                                 
Center stage on my sitter?                                  
My smelly old shitter?                                      
None at all!  You are an asshole too!                       
                                                            
45474 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



A friendship Beelzebub disdains.                            
From good deeds and words he refrains.                      
With head up his ass,                                       
Surrounded by gas,                                          
He farted and blew out his brains!                          
                                                            
45475 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



That nattering nabob Bill Ron,                              
(Who's lower than syphilitic rat spawn)                     
Should be banned from this page.                            
(I appeal to Toast Point and Sage)                          
'Twould be better if the fuckup were gone!                  
                                                            
45476 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't worry John, I let him have it, he's                   
Got a size nine anal cavity.                                
I am sure we have heard                                     
All we will from this turd.                                 
Think I hit a new low for depravity                         
                                                            
45477 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



The dogs in the street, I'm not kiddin' a                   
Bit, got sick eating slime that had slid 'n a               
Foul mess on the curb                                       
Giving birth to the Cerb,                                   
And I'm being too kind to Echidna.                          
                                                            
45478 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Blackbeard's been cooked like a roast;                      
His nuts, we'll skewer and toast.                           
His entrail we'll boil                                      
In vats of hot oil.                                         
The pain we'll inflict is no boast!                         
                                                            
45479 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Squat                    



A spam-spewing asshole from Hell;                           
A worthless ne'er-do-well.                                  
Dick-licking cocksucker,                                    
Shit head motherfucker,                                     
Brought to you by AOL.                                      
                                                            
45480 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       MrMalo                   



Your auto jokes simply don't pass:                          
Don't rhyme and they ain't got no class.                    
Try something exotic                                        
And auto-erotic:                                            
Go bugger yourself up the ass.                              
                                                            
45481 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       John Miller              



Butter man, get thee a churn,                               
And insert the handle astern.                               
Maybe the action                                            
Of your satisfaction                                        
Will give you a deep rectal burn.                           
                                                            
45482 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       H WHELCHEL               



I'd laugh while I pound you with rocks.                     
And up your butt, shove some scruffy old socks.             
I'd giggle with joy                                         
Then chop off your toy,                                     
And leave you with naught in your jocks.                    
                                                            
45483 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Marlene Lewis            



There once was a girl who used Comet                        
To clean up a week's worth of vomit.                        
But then she had a fit,                                     
When she'd not remove shit.                                 
Is that clean enough for a sonnet?                          
                                                            
45484 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       S C Saint                



Forgive me for raising my voice                             
But making way too much noise.                              
You seem so upset,                                          
That I'll make a bet;                                       
A large dick in the rear is YOUR choice.                    
                                                            
45485 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Puff Adder               



When cross-posting to A.J.L.                                
You need to make rhymes and rhyme well.                     
You're crowding our lists,                                  
And we're getting pissed;                                   
Now rhyme it or die, rot, and swell.                        
                                                            
45486 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       H WHELCHEL               



Your shorts are yellow and brown,                           
So you won't get them turned around.                        
Brown back, yellow front;                                   
You sorry old cunt.                                         
Your piss and shit marked them, you clown!                  
                                                            
45487 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Gearhart                 



Bet your sweetbox is full of green cheese,                  
And your cunt lips flap down to your knees;                 
Bet you've scabs on your mound                              
And your jugs flop around;                                  
Bet you're naught but a whore with disease.                 
                                                            
45488 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Mr Malo, I've nothing to gain                               
By feeding your fetish for pain.                            
So I'll not be messin'                                      
With you, you cross dressin'                                
Ass bandit with shit for a brain!                           
                                                            
45489 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Duke Dillon              



If you can't post a limerick rhyme,                         
Then fuck off and stop wasting our time.                    
You're a nobody, son,                                       
With an IQ of 1,                                            
So piss off to your pit full of slime.                      
                                                            
45490 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Peter                    



What is this, you sick mangy dog,                           
But a third-rate travelogue.                                
It's such utter crap                                        
You lint-headed sap.                                        
Go eat the shit of a hog.                                   
                                                            
45491 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



And let's not forget all your toes,                         
Where all of that green fungus grows.                       
You eat it like cheese,                                     
You walking disease,                                        
Along with the cheese from your nose.                       
                                                            
45492 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Gearhart                 



If O'Conner finds it so crass,                              
Our wiggling and shaking our ass,                           
Or mating with cows,                                        
Sheep, chickens, or sows,                                   
Let's salute him by passing some gas!                       
                                                            
45493 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Arden                    



You pompous supercilious bag of gas --                      
You don't like our limericks so crass?                      
We don't need your pity,                                    
The reason? You're too shitty                               
From having your head up your ass!                          
                                                            
45494 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Kaylin Brandon           



There are too many joke concessionaires;                    
Go sell yourself to someone who cares.                      
My ass, you can kiss it;                                    
Is that quite explicit?                                     
If not, "fuck you and your spamming wares."                 
                                                            
45495 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       S C Saint                



What is all this lame caterwaulin'?                         
As brains go, son, you got a small 'un.                     
Like I'd give two rat turds                                 
For opinions from nerds.                                    
Go home son. Yo mama, she's callin'.                        
                                                            
45496 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



You asshole!  You whiner!  Go lighten up!                   
Limericks are not truly your cup                            
Of hemlock or tea.                                          
Why don't you go see                                        
If your ass, you can go shove hour head up!                 
                                                            
45497 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Charles deTampa          



To poets who like limericks blue,                           
I offer this poem to you:                                   
Go suck your dick                                           
(T'aint really a trick                                      
For an upright self-fucker like you).                       
                                                            
45498 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Joe Long                 



Hey Ollie, you fish-fucking fart!                           
Posting non-rhyming shit here's not smart.                  
If you continue this sham                                   
To plague us with Spam,                                     
We'll be incline to hack off your "part".                   
                                                            
45499 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Kasodrac                 



I'm sick of your back-talking sass,                         
And your grammar is giving me gas.                          
That you've faggoty habits                                  
With gerbils and rabbits,                                   
I can see from the hare up your ass.                        
                                                            
45500 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Every asshole who has a new site                            
Must subject us to spam day and night.                      
I sure with that, you'd                                     
Have your head unscrewed                                    
And then screw the fucker on right.                         
                                                            
45501 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       MrMalo                   



A master you are of philology,                              
A freak though, of form gynaecology.                        
Take your head from your ass;                               
Don't paste stuff so crass                                  
It belongs in alt.crap.archaeology.                         
                                                            
45502 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



You smell as though you've just shit                        
And can't stand parting with it.                            
So keep in your shorts                                      
A couple of quarts,                                         
So you won't miss your turds one bit.                       
                                                            
45503 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Gearhart                 



A failure in terms of his wit,                              
The kid is revealed as a nit.                               
I pray that his balls                                       
Get no curtain calls,                                       
And his ears will get filled up with shit.                  
                                                            
45504 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Archie                   



Such timely and seasonal humor!                             
I'll have to cut loose with a boomer.                       
Place lips on my ass.                                       
Inhale while I pass.                                        
Now crawl off and die of a tumor.                           
                                                            
45505 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



God may be good, but you're not;                            
To us you're a big bag of snot,                             
Who would spoil a good lay,                                 
Or lead us astray,                                          
From our serious study of twat.                             
                                                            
45506 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Malo ain't all that we got;                                 
I can handle this limp-dicked li'l snot.                    
I'll smack him with trout,                                  
Get my enema bag out,                                       
And make him fuck cows that are hot.                        
                                                            
45507 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Cheryl                   



I see there's lots of new pricks in here,                   
Trying to write limericks in here.                          
Their tries are so lame,                                    
They deserve a good flame,                                  
And a few very large warty dicks in rear.                   
                                                            
45508 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Puff Adder               



I must say my pleasures are rife,                           
'Cause you see, Duke, I do have a life.                     
In fact I have two,                                         
One to occupy you,                                          
While the others home fucking your wife.                    
                                                            
45509 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       MrMalo                   



You tried to write poetry -- how absurd!                    
You mangle mis-use of the verb.                             
Just move it around;                                        
When it starts to turn brown,                               
You can morph it all into a turd.                           
                                                            
45510 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



The writer's an ignorant fool.                              
He thinks his stupidity's cool.                             
I hope he's a queer                                         
Fucking boys up the rear;                                   
That would keep his genes out of our pool.                  
                                                            
45511 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



An anonymous poet online                                    
Has every right to opine.                                   
But if he can't take a joke,                                
His dick he can stroke,                                     
The obnoxious, penis-pumping swine!                         
                                                            
45512 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



I know that is accurate, brother,                           
'Cause I love when her throat I can smother                 
With the length of my pine,                                 
As she swallows my brine,                                   
(And by 'her', I refer to your mother).                     
                                                            
45513 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



The truth is fair hard to pass,                             
Even for one who lacks class.                               
It has to be said,                                          
One's better off dead                                       
Than to be such a pain in the ass!                          
                                                            
45514 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Gerard Hannan            



For spammers, we have a great lab;                          
We will strap the bloke down on a slab;                     
We will dig out his pole                                    
And rub dirt in his hole;                                   
Then he'll piss through a green/yellow scab!                
                                                            
45515 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Allen Wolverton          



Tautology, that ain't enough.                               
A liar, too; all of this stuff                              
Ain't funny at all,                                         
So Soll, heed this call:                                    
Remove head from your mommy's muff.                         
                                                            
45516 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Anon                     



This nasty piece of racist shit                             
From some fucking, asshole twit,                            
Who should get a flame                                      
For a posting so lame,                                      
Deserves no replies to it.                                  
                                                            
45517 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Arden                    



I once fucked a spammer so viciously                        
He bled through his nose inauspiciously.                    
His asshole, once tight,                                    
Will never be right.                                        
He now shits his pants surreptitiously.                     
                                                            
45518 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       H                        



I fart on your face and your tool.                          
I shit in your boots and your gruel.                        
Cajole if you must --                                       
I'll bust through the crust                                 
And leave your old sphincter to drool.                      
                                                            
45519 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Can you tell your ass from your face?                       
If so, stick a bomb in that place,                          
Then use your wee prick                                     
As an ignition wick,                                        
And blast yourself off into space.                          
                                                            
45520 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Unleashing the power of my mind                             
(My charisma is sharply defined)                            
I detect this is SPAM                                       
And a flag-pole I ram                                       
Up your pox-ridden hairy behind.                            
                                                            
45521 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



You speak, sir, in riddles not rhyme;                       
Which proves you are wasting our time.                      
So go back to chasin'                                       
Your sister, please Jason.                                  
You'll fit her, if she's only nine.                         
                                                            
45522 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Tiddy                    



How we wish the writers of smut,                            
Could take heed and safe sex in their rut.                  
Do blow jobs with abandon,                                  
If they'll use a condom,                                    
And stick their pencils up their butt.                      
                                                            
45523 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Dad to Kelly with a smirk,                             
"Get out there and get some real work,                      
And stop posting slime                                      
To these folks of rhyme,                                    
You spam-fucking cock-sucking jerk!"                        
                                                            
45524 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       S&M                      



If you want to be laughin' your ass                         
Off then stick this where most pass our gas                 
Off; and please take this rhyme                             
And in double-quick time,                                   
Stuff it up with some broken cut glass                      
                                                            
45525 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Insulting you all is a job;                                 
I do hope I've not made you sob.                            
That would be a pity                                        
For people so shitty;                                       
I suggest you go suck your Dad's knob.                      
                                                            
45526 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Bellal Yaqub             



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
Your sister loves to rock                                   
Her ass to and fro                                          
On a giant dildo,                                           
And your mama likes sucking my cock.                        
                                                            
45527 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       MrMalo                   



You don't like us? Well that just tough shit.               
So just get the fuck, out of it.                            
Ain't worth a damn                                          
Your opinion, my man,                                       
Who need you, you stupid twit.                              
                                                            
45528 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Arden                    



Hey Schmuck, this is alt.limericks                          
So listen up close, stupid pricks.                          
At least try to rhyme                                       
In AABBA time                                               
And later we'll discuss your dicks.                         
                                                            
45529 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Arden                    



Shit! What the fuck's going on here?                        
Not lim'ricks and that's bloody clear.                      
This ignorant bugger                                        
(He's just a cock-tugger)                                   
I'll jab up the arse with my spear!                         
                                                            
45530 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL                                



Yo Danny, you're so fucking crass;                          
In future this n.g. please pass.                            
I think you would make                                      
A fine birthday cake;                                       
The candles we'll stick up your ass.                        
                                                            
45531 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       S&M                      



This to all lamers and spammers:                            
Take all your adverts and yammers,                          
Without any lube --                                         
Just find you a tube --                                     
And pound in reverse with sledgehammers.                    
                                                            
45532 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       H WHELCHEL               



For my joke you'll give five bucks U.S.?                    
Your generosity drives me to distress.                      
Take your five dollar bill,                                 
Shove it up your ass until                                  
You're cured of this spamming B.S.                          
                                                            
45533 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       S C SAINT                



We welcome the new ones each day,                           
Unless they've things snooty to say.                        
Then tell them "bye-bye,"                                   
And "Eat shit and die!";                                    
You know, just the usual way.                               
                                                            
45534 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Cheryl                   



Dude, you can't rhyme worth a shit,                         
Due to the fact you lack wit.                               
Your meter's way off                                        
And for this I scoff.                                       
If you can't write right, then GIT!                         
                                                            
45535 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       K-man                    



Fuck you with burning old tires,                            
Then piss on you to stink up the fires.                     
Then poke through your nads                                 
With shit-covered brads,                                    
Connected to battery wires.                                 
                                                            
45536 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       H Welchel                



Cunts are for giving a poke.                                
Cocks are for bitches to smoke.                             
Pipes are for crack,                                        
And kids are a snack,                                       
And you will suffice for a joke.                            
                                                            
45537 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



You dirty rotten old hag!                                   
You'd do anything for a shag.                               
Your face -- a disgrace                                     
To the whole human race.                                    
You bloody old used douche-bag!                             
                                                            
45538 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Gearhart                 



Don't know what is so fucking cool,                         
Unless it's the tip of my tool.                             
It seems there's a draft                                    
From your momma's aft;                                      
Her fart-blasts are drying her drool.                       
                                                            
45539 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       Jim Weaver Collection    



These spamming assholes I despise                           
And seek to hasten their demise.                            
And one for the guys,                                       
I'll cherish their cries                                    
As I zip up their meat in their flies.                      
                                                            
45540 NETWORKS - FLAMES - FOUL       S&M                      



I'm sure that you feel you're inventive,                    
To particulars, hightly attentive.                          
But to tell you the truth,                                  
You're merely uncouth,                                      
And a blithering anal-retentive.                            
                                                            
45541 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Mailhtims                



Dejanews.com is promised spam free.                         
Is that how you happened to be                              
Cluttering up our newsgroup                                 
With your St. Paddy's poop.                                 
Haul your green ass on back to Tralee.                      
                                                            
45542 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    S C Saint                



It is really not that hard at all;                          
Writing limericks can be quite a ball!                      
So don't be a cheater;                                      
Stick to the meter;                                         
Or we'll flame your lame ass to the wall!                   
                                                            
45543 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Jim Weaver Collection    



A limerick flame war?  How quaint.                          
Like stuff in the newsgroups, this ain't.                   
Since maintaining a schism                                  
In correct rhyme and rhythm,                                
Imposes unusual constraint.                                 
                                                            
45544 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY                             



Now listen, you sorry assed Brits,                          
Your prose has been giving me fits.                         
Pedophile or queer,                                         
It's LIMERICKS here,                                        
You cross-posting dumb bunch of twits.                      
                                                            
45545 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Frank Fazed              



Why bother to apologise,                                    
For a program that will plagarize.                          
Defender's a wowser                                         
Who can't work a browser;                                   
Ignorance is not a disguise.                                
                                                            
45546 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Frank Fazed              



A stranger who enters to smite us                           
Says our verses are naught but detritus.                    
But the scan of his own                                     
Would make anyone groan,                                    
So he fails in his effort to slight us.                     
                                                            
45547 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Hugh Clary               



Why bother to mail us at all,                               
If the odes that you read here appall.                      
Just go back to alt                                         
dot finding dot fault,                                      
Where everyone's brain cells are small.                     
                                                            
45548 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    PeterW                   



Is it barbs this schmuck wants to trade?                    
Then he damn will should sharpen his blade.                 
I hope this bed wetter                                      
Learns to write a lot better                                
By the time that he reaches fifth grade.                    
                                                            
45549 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    MrMalo                   



Yes Jenny, we heard you before.                             
You're really becoming a bore.                              
Go tickle your throat                                       
With the choat of a goat.                                   
And then with a cactus bush, score.                         
                                                            
45550 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Tiddy Ogg                



Dear Jokes, this here group is devout                       
About limericks; that's what it's about.                    
We think it's a crime                                       
That your jokes do not rhyme;                               
POST LIMERICKS OR KEEP THE HELL OUT!                        
                                                            
45551 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    John Miller              



To my minions and critics:  For Shame!                      
You besmirch my illustrious name!                           
But now I abide                                             
For I found on each side                                    
That the total I.Q.'s were the same.                        
(McWilliam to critics who were unjustly flaming him)        
45552 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Jim McWilliam            



If his poems are an indication                              
Of, sexually-speaking, frustration,                         
Michael Weinstein, I'd say,                                 
In a Freudian way,                                          
Is harboring anal fixation.                                 
                                                            
45553 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Michael Polo        P8605



You're a spamming, misogynist twit.                         
Kindly take all your lame JokesnShit,                       
Fold in half, then in thirds;                               
Shove them up where your turds                              
And your brains are as one.  And then split!                
                                                            
45554 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Scott                    



Wildman must learn to rhyme;                                
The shit he posts now is a crime.                           
Here's some prudent advice,                                 
(I'm just tring to be nice)                                 
Put down the crack while there's time!                      
                                                            
45555 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Lauren             TP9802



Oh spammer, come into our lab;                              
We'll strap you right down on a slab;                       
Then, your ass-crack we'll coat                             
With some hot creosote,                                     
But you'll never again have a crab!                         
                                                            
45556 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Allen Wolverton          



What are you?  Fucking half-witted?                         
What is this CRAP you have shitted?                         
It ain't limericks, you fool.                               
We should have us a rule:                                   
No one under 18 admitted.                                   
                                                            
45557 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    MrMalo                   



Like some, I'm not one to backbite,                         
But now, this is crap that you cite...                      
Like many a twit,                                           
You think you're a wit,                                     
But sadly, you're only half right!                          
                                                            
45558 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY                             



Your insults are just brutish thuggery,                     
I've seen better lines come from shrubbery.                 
No doubt you've had beers                                   
And likings for queers,                                     
Resulting in penchants for buggery!                         
                                                            
45559 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Bellal Yakub             



Don't this dumb shit make you ill?                          
We wish that his ma took the pill,                          
Instead of begettin'                                        
An absolute cretin,                                         
Who plagiarises old Benny Hill.                             
                                                            
45560 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY                             



Here's a solution, unabashed,                               
For your apparent problem with gas.                         
Grab your ears firm and hard,                               
And pull very hard, pard;                                   
The pop was your head from your ass!                        
                                                            
45561 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Jim Weaver Collection    



To call me a "nut" is a low one.                            
Sin not; those wild oats, don't you sow one.                
If you're on to my vice,                                    
You might try to be nice,                                   
For it takes a real nut just to know one.                   
                                                            
45562 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Cap'n Bean               



An asteroid's coming, my dears;                             
Be here in about twenty years.                              
With luck we'll affect it,                                  
Precisely direct it                                         
On spammers and plagiarist queers.                          
                                                            
45563 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Tiddy Ogg                



My god we are busy tonight!                                 
I squeezed in a space oh so tight.                          
The script keeps on flowing,                                
It's time to get going                                      
And start up a limerick fight.                              
                                                            
45564 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Jim Weaver Collection    



I see that the ripoffs persist,                             
With the lim-stealers back in our midst.                    
They've taken new names,                                    
But they still suffer flames,                               
When you gave them your ass to be kissed.                   
                                                            
45565 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY                             



Steve is a guy with no sense.                               
His odious post makes offense.                              
His spelling is hell.                                       
His rhyming doth smell.                                     
The stench of his verse makes me tense.                     
                                                            
45566 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    H Whelchel               



A charming old fella named Ogg,                             
With a face like a rottweiller dog,                         
Lived way down the south                                    
With a plum in his mouth,                                   
And a brain that was missing a cog!                         
                                                            
45567 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY                             



Your insults are moronic at best,                           
And quite rude, since you're only a guest.                  
Another British snob                                        
Obsessed with dad's knob,                                   
Perhaps you should try sucking a breast.                    
                                                            
45568 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Pepe                     



Should I meet you, you half-witted swine                    
And you'd start with that indignant whine,                  
I would kick you, you smart-ass                             
In the part of your carcass                                 
Where the sun doesn't normally shine.                       
                                                            
45569 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Jim Weaver Collection    



Somehow, it amazes me yet                                   
That it's clever to some on the 'net,                       
To get in a snit,                                           
And throw all kinds of shit                                 
Upon people whom they've never met!                         
                                                            
45570 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Jim Weaver Collection    



In this newsgroup, we all think it's fun,                   
Keeping spammers like you on the run.                       
If you won't take the time                                  
To ply us with rhyme,                                       
Then your troubles with us have begun.                      
                                                            
45571 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    John Miller              



You are wrong, you abhorrent rejection.                     
You're folks should have used contraception.                
But now that you're here,                                   
I'll support with good cheer                                
That they use you for live vivisection.                     
                                                            
45572 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Hugh Clary               



Go take your dumb slap-happy prose,                         
And place where the sun never rose.                         
And maybe in time,                                          
Should you learn to rhyme,                                  
We might let you back, I suppose.                           
                                                            
45573 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY                             



You guys are deeply perverted                               
(Perhaps I'm a bit too assertive)                           
I'm looking for limericks,                                  
Not sexual gimmericks,                                      
And here, to base nature you've reverted.                   
                                                            
45574 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    Kevin O'Conner           



A crusty curmudgeon called Mort                             
Emitted an insolent snort.                                  
And he said, in a flash,                                    
"You belong in the trash!                                   
Too bad your mom didn't abort!"                             
                                                            
45575 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY                             



Calm down.  Have a seat.  Take a break.                     
Filthy limericks are what we make.                          
The dirtiest yet                                            
Is one I won't forget                                       
'Bout your mama, the mule, and the snake.                   
                                                            
45576 NETWORKS - FLAMES - QUALITY    MrMalo                   



Hey gang, have we chased away Par?                          
Is he drowning his grief in some bar?                       
Have we failed to be civil?                                 
Put out too much drivel?                                    
(Who's in charge of the feathers and tar?)                  
                                                            
45577 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     John Miller              



Where is his sidekick, Malo                                 
His pleasantries I do miss so!                              
His sweet gentle ways                                       
Once brightened our days.                                   
So where did that curmudgeon go?                            
                                                            
45578 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     John Miller              



Other rats have deserted the ship,                          
Cheating us out of humor and quip.                          
Let's grab a sack                                           
And drag them all back,                                     
For more fun that a post-nasal drip!                        
                                                            
45579 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     John Miller              



Could it be that this man is a troll                        
In the Stygian depths of his soul?                          
When I tried to divine                                      
The true state of his mind,                                 
All I could find was a hole.                                
                                                            
45580 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



So I sought the crass author to squelch,                    
Plugging nostrils to quell his foul belch.                  
Held him at arm's length;                                   
Then used all my strength                                   
To fungo with bat this dull wretch.                         
                                                            
45581 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



From the gashes did pour such a stench,                     
I could but hug belly and retch                             
My breakfast's burnt toast,                                 
'Long with his filthy posts,                                
Which withered the flowers and the vetch.                   
                                                            
45582 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



To sidestep this fate, rather vile,                         
I suggest that you entertain guile                          
To a cretin forfend.                                        
I can but recommend                                         
The blessing of "Blocked Senders" file.                     
                                                            
45583 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



Dear John, don't regard all Brits twit,                     
Just because of one little shit.                            
He's sure to be flamed,                                     
And who can be blamed                                       
For wishing one Brit twit to quit.                          
                                                            
45584 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Bob Hunt                 



Dear Bob, I don't think all Brits twits;                    
But a Brit twit should quit if it fits.                     
But I'll cease, lest I rile                                 
Someone else from our isle,                                 
'Cause a shit by a Brit twit's the pits.                    
                                                            
45585 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     John Miller              



It's not true, we're not all like that Brit,                
Who seems to be half full of shit.                          
It's a well-hidden rumor                                    
But we like our humor,                                      
And like you, I think he's a twit.                          
                                                            
45586 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Bob G                    



Oh hardly, you snow boggled twit;                           
It's simply the lack of the wit,                            
To come up with some lines,                                 
Instead of the whines                                       
Of a Swede who can't write rhymes for shit.                 
                                                            
45587 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



A bastard from North of the States,                         
Writes about how much he hates                              
The lack of some lines                                      
And also the whines,                                        
Of a snow-boggled Swede reprobate.                          
                                                            
45588 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



That this stupid Canadian queer                             
Can type is quite a mystere.                                
With both hands on his cock,                                
All dressed up in a frock,                                  
And a moose-head rammed far up his rear.                    
                                                            
45589 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



I admire your poetic incentive.                             
It's clever, hard=hitting, inventive --                     
But a moose up the rear,                                    
Is a tad...well...severe,                                   
Let's hope he's not anal retentive.                         
                                                            
45590 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Is a moose head so wrong, my good man?                      
It certainly fills up my can.                               
And those long flowing dresses                              
Fit well with my tresses;                                   
Now how to hide the hair on my hand?                        
                                                            
45591 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



If I seem rude just a bit,                                  
Or offensive to your snappy wit,                            
Let me say to you now,                                      
And I mean it and how,                                      
I couldn't give less of a shit.                             
                                                            
45592 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Terry                    



Of your dislike of this group you write,                    
But you didn't have to be so polite.                        
I find your flame                                           
A little bit lame,                                          
For someone so full of shite.                               
                                                            
45593 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Bob                      



So us you've decided to flame,                              
I seem to remember your name.                               
Your ditty did rhyme                                        
In perfect time,                                            
To bad we don't care, what a shame.                         
                                                            
45594 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Arden                    



Well Terry, I am just elated                                
To find that your not constipated.                          
Done scratching your ass                                    
Aand passing your gas?                                      
Perhaps you will get fornicated.                            
                                                            
45595 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Frank Fazed              



Now Chunky, let's put it this way,                          
Philosophers oft have their say,                            
About what is real,                                         
And good, but I feel,                                       
They'd all advise that you don't stay...                    
                                                            
45596 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



'Cause Wittgenstein, Russell, et al,                        
Would gently explain to you, pal,                           
We limerickers curse                                        
Any post not in verse,                                      
And always it seems that they shall.                        
                                                            
45597 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



We've not had a chance here to hammer,                      
For some time, an old-joke site spammer,                    
I thought they'd grown tools,                               
And gone back to schools,                                   
To learn just a wee bit of grammar.                         
                                                            
45598 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



But Warbidal sure slipped the net;                          
Despite double condoms he yet                               
Slid out the foul crack                                     
Of a whore's festering, slack                               
Cunt hole, after sex with a pet.                            
                                                            
45599 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



If you want the old cow then feel free;                     
While you boff her it keeps her off me.                     
It seems when you're deep in                                
At least she'd not beefin'                                  
'Bout the fact that she's got BSE.                          
(BSE - bovine spongiform encephalopathy = mad cow disease)  
45600 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Duke Dillon              



To her madness you're now a key factor,                     
As bullshitters like you now attract her.                   
But do not ask how                                          
She became a mad cow,                                       
'Cause on her farm she thinks she's a tractor.              
                                                            
45601 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Duke Dillon              



While you ride 'round the yard on my spouse,                
I found some retards at your house.                         
You really shouldn't oughter                                
Bear kids by your daughter,                                 
You filthy incestuous louse!                                
                                                            
45602 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Duke Dillon              



Alexis, you're really beyond                                
The boundaries of which we are fond.                        
It's apparent to folks                                      
From your lame-assed jokes,                                 
You're probably a dumb fucking blonde.                      
                                                            
45603 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     MrMalo                   



Mr Malo, why be so polite?                                  
Your flame of this nerd is too light.                       
This asshole Alexis                                         
Shouldn't come here to vex us;                              
Let's drive him clear off of this site...                   
                                                            
45604 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     John Miller              



Still a newbie to handling a flame;                         
For this asshole I am really game.                          
So mail me the trick                                        
Of bombing his prick,                                       
To make him wish he'd never came.                           
                                                            
45605 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     F Ormatsee               



I had to do "Off with his head!"                            
Because the poor guy was brain dead.                        
He thought he was hot                                       
And posted this shot:                                       
"Come see my butt," his invite said.                        
                                                            
45606 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



I went to his site (as you see),                            
But his butt does nothing for me.                           
While, true, it is male;                                    
Its so awfully pale,                                        
He's giving out samples for free.                           
                                                            
45607 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



Funny Bone is condemned as a spammer                        
With a wit just as sharp as a hammer.                       
But he covers his crime                                     
By spamming in rhyme.                                       
(How are things, Funny Bone, in the slammer?)               
                                                            
45608 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     John Miller              



Master Funny Bone's not really bad;                         
He's just young and naive; he's a lad.                      
But I think that his sig                                    
Is a trifle too big,                                        
Even though he reduced it a tad.                            
                                                            
45609 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Peter Wilkins            



Excuse my abrupt clarification                              
But your newsgroup is an abomination.                       
Its crap I've not seen;                                     
It's made me quite green,                                   
Resulting in quick urination.                               
                                                            
45610 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Bellal Yaqub             



I'm extracting the piss of your site,                       
I've never seen more that quite shite!                      
It caught me off guard,                                     
I laughed so hard,                                          
But not with, but at you, alright?                          
                                                            
45611 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Bellas Yaqub             



The limerick police apprehended                             
The man who had badly offended,                             
By his crime so heinous                                     
And general gayness,                                        
The writers of limericks so splendid.                       
                                                            
45612 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



The court of limerick arbitration,                          
After hours of deliberation,                                
A verdict they reached:                                     
That diceman has breached                                   
The rules held in much veneration.                          
                                                            
45613 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



Punishment was simple and not messy:                        
"Perform cunnilingus on Bessy                               
And Felch her young calf,                                   
Fellate a giraffe,                                          
And take up your bum good old Nessy"                        
                                                            
45614 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



Mr Martin, I've looked all around                           
And your "writing" 's nowhere to be found                   
Except on your site.                                        
Who would publish such shite?                               
Any printout would be dumpster bound.                       
                                                            
45615 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



For it's just to right-wingers you cater.                   
You're a frustrated Hillary hater.                          
All this paranoid tripe                                     
And conspiracy hype                                         
Shows a mind at the intellect's nadir.                      
                                                            
45616 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



Now warmed up, I'll get this off my chest.                  
Far too few of your lims pass the test.                     
Just to be more specific,                                   
You're far more prolific                                    
Than witty.  Now give it a rest.                            
                                                            
45617 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



Please take yurself off to Iraq,                            
Or some such, and never come baq,                           
Till hell freezes hard,                                     
And my dick's length's a yard,                              
And Carol I get in the saq.                                 
                                                            
45618 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



What if Iraq gets a monsoon,                                
Or elephants go to the moon,                                
The White cliffs of Dover,                                  
Turn purple all over?                                       
I guess that won't happen real soon.                        
                                                            
45619 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



So now I see you're down here slumming;                     
These threads really keep the group hummng.                 
But if two cents were paid                                  
For the poems you just made,                                
I think you might have some change coming.                  
                                                            
45620 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     MrMalo                   



Sometimes I go slumming, it's true;                         
It seems like the right thing to do.                        
To learn about life,                                        
Where evil is rife --                                       
And how else would I ever met you?                          
                                                            
45621 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Kaylin Brandon           



With his sarcasm and wit, Mr. Main,                         
Is in everyone's bottom, a pain.                            
With no kids or a wife,                                     
Slight resemblance of life,                                 
Save a feeble excuse for a brain.                           
                                                            
45622 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



At first I thought I'd be riled;                            
My name, it was being defiled.                              
Then I thought, why be harried,                             
I'm not even married.                                       
And so I relaxed and I smiled.                              
                                                            
45623 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a man, David Bourke,                            
Who found a cute filly to pork.                             
He bent her over                                            
And did her like Rover,                                     
As he plugged her hole with his cork!                       
                                                            
45624 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Gearhart                 



I once knew a man, Jon Gearhart,                            
Who could, in strict time from his rear, fart.              
His guffs, he'd morse-code 'em,                             
Like some human modem;                                      
His sphincter-control was just sheer art!                   
                                                            
45625 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     David Bourke             



Now here's to that old duffer, Fred,                        
Who ain't got a brain in his head.                          
And he don't know a lim                                     
From a hyena's quim,                                        
And takes rubber dollies to bed.                            
                                                            
45626 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



And here's to Fred's lover, the dolly;                      
I think I heard her named was Polly.                        
Urethane-twoply,                                            
With three holes to screw by                                
And can't complain of Fred's tiny wally.                    
                                                            
45627 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jon Gearhart             



A toast to Fred's calloused right hand                      
Which caters all day to his gland.                          
In the Wank Hall of Fame,                                   
Without fail, he can aim                                    
And hit from ten yards on demand.                           
                                                            
45628 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Randog                   



I've just dialed into the Net                               
And have found to my great regret,                          
No limericks -- worse --                                    
Sour comments, not terse,                                   
With waste of even more space yet.                          
                                                            
45629 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



So this time the challenge is down                          
If you wish to stay in this town.                           
Stick to the verse                                          
Or a very large hearse                                      
Will pull up and cause you to frown.                        
                                                            
45630 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



And before any wag says "Don't fret,                        
About about any non-versical set,"                          
If there's wit and a pun,                                   
I can live with such fun,                                   
But the dreary's not made me laugh yet!                     
                                                            
45631 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



The newbies are rife in here now,                           
And most of them won't fuck a cow,                          
Or diddle a priest,                                         
(A nasty black beast).                                      
They wont even straddle a sow.                              
                                                            
45632 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



They'd sit down and then they would weep                    
If we offered to them a nice sheep.                         
And boy, would they run                                     
If our favorite Nun                                         
Should visit while they were asleep.                        
                                                            
45633 NETWORKS - FLAMES - SERIES                              



My keyboard's all broken and busted.                        
My rhymer's undoubtedly rusted.                             
Deja News went kablooie,                                    
Beta Google was screwy!                                     
Tried to post here, but wound up disgusted.                 
                                                            
45634 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



Lim-deprived was the story resultant.                       
Could not pen naughty lim'ricks exultant!                   
But now I am back,                                          
For no time do I lack,                                      
As I went and became a consultant.                          
                                                            
45635 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



There once was a man named Dave                             
Who became an Internet slave.                               
His body did shrivel                                        
Writing such drivel,                                        
While surfing a virtual wave.                               
                                                            
45636 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Alan MacBride            



While he was surfing the net                                
All the way from here to Tibet,                             
He is known to have raved                                   
As he happily slaved,                                       
"The best part is you never get wet."                       
                                                            
45637 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Alan MacBride            



There was a young Internet sage,                            
Who started a perfect home-page.                            
He hasn't got near,                                         
He's still trying, I fear,                                  
But his boss won't pay him a wage!                          
                                                            
45638 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



The website for the gay underground,                        
Some hackers have recently found.                           
Forced to confess                                           
The website address:                                        
C:<enter>:##   (see colon, enter colon, pound pound)        
                                                            
45639 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Funny Bone               



I fear that inertia has struck                              
And my regular website is stuck                             
In the dim distant past,                                    
But some new ones, at last,                                 
You may read if a mouse you can cluck.                      
                                                            
45640 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



I mean, of course, 'click'... but beware,                   
I've been practising javascript there;                      
For my sins, I've to learn                                  
It in order to earn                                         
A few shillings and pence I declare.                        
                                                            
45641 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



Surfing I feel only frustration,                            
When hitting a frame application.                           
So I seek a new place,                                      
Out in cyberspace,                                          
That has better site navigation.                            
                                                            
45642 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



I'm trying not to cause a commotion                         
But was struck with a very stange notion.                   
If in life I should run,                                    
It's a movement I've done.                                  
But here on the "'net" it's E-motion?                       
                                                            
45643 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Cabernet                 



In conquest games Julia picked her                          
Opponents with care, and she kicked her                     
Foes from their land,                                       
And kept them all banned;                                   
Her title, I guess, is E-victor.                            
                                                            
45644 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Tiddy Ogg                



The first time I browsed on the net,                        
I'd not thought of the things I could get...                
Like toad-dot-lickin'                                       
And fetish-dot-chicken                                      
And alt-dot-hotgirls-in-Tibet.                              
                                                            
45645 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Tony                     



My computer crawls out every night                          
On the Web with a grim appetite.                            
It will search by the hour                                  
For bits to devour,                                         
Then gobbles two cubed in each byte.                        
                                                            
45646 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Larry Dahl               



I've changed my e-mail address                              
As USA.NET didn't impress                                   
I scream and I shout                                        
When I get a time-out,                                      
And it is causing me lots of stress.                        
                                                            
45647 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Jim Weaver Collection    



I thought it was the service for me,                        
As the e-mail address was free.                             
But to my utter dismay,                                     
I can't access e-mail today,                                
And so I'll just have to see.                               
                                                            
45648 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Jim Weaver Collection    



When it came up with an error, I blew;                      
With USA.NET there's no clue.                               
Is it just a small glitch?                                  
Or has the son-of-a-bitch                                   
Terminally loosened a screw?                                
                                                            
45649 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Jim Weaver Collection    



So off to a new server I go;                                
A tried and tested server I know.                           
So don't send mail                                          
As it will fail,                                            
To reach me at USA.NET is too slow.                         
                                                            
45650 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady called Annamette                     
Whose jollies came off of the Internet;                     
Secreting the mouse                                         
Down the front of her blouse,                               
In a place you'd undoubtedly wanna get.                     
                                                            
45651 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Al Willis           P9711



When I Program in HTML                                      
To make Skywriter Press excel,                              
I never can tell                                            
If all will be well,                                        
'Cause my web pages tend to rebel.                          
                                                            
45652 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Lynn Mostafa             



This Internet is really neat.                               
It's amazing the people I meet.                             
I've been here too long,                                    
My strength is all gone,                                    
But I'd rather go surfing than eat.                         
                                                            
45653 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



The Web just has boundless esoterica!                       
From sites in Australia to America                          
Be it .com or .edu,                                         
It fills my brains with goo,                                
When I see images of Cindy, Angie and Erica!                
                                                            
45654 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm shocked at what my sister found                         
This morning while snooping around                          
On Internet sites,                                          
It gives me the 'frights;'                                  
Those photos of men do astound!                             
                                                            
45655 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



I can't believe what we both saw,                           
Those penises shown in the raw;                             
And then there are wenches                                  
Engulfing those inches;                                     
Both sister and I are in awe!                               
                                                            
45656 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



There are some who have bigoted views                       
Of the websites that kids ought to choose.                  
Well, I've a confession                                     
I HATE such supression                                      
From the Church, Uncle Sam, or the Jews.                    
                                                            
45657 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Tutta Gioia              



Willie's a spoiled little brat                              
Who strangled the dog and the cat;                          
Diddled his sister;                                         
Won't call me "Mister";                                     
Is expelled from XX-rated chat.                             
                                                            
45658 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



A forum as empty as this                                    
Is a different species of bliss.                            
I can say, at my ease,                                      
Whatever I please!                                          
And there's no one to boo or to hiss.                       
                                                            
45659 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Anon                     



There once was a drunk IRC-er,                              
Who loved to indulge in his bee-er.                         
If he had his way,                                          
He'd be online all day,                                     
Making puns and bad verse his caree-er.                     
                                                            
45660 NETWORKS - INTERNET            O V Michaelsen      P9811



Once in a far away land,                                    
A man who had only one hand,                                
Was slow as a snail                                         
When typing e-mail,                                         
And his net bill was up to a grand.                         
                                                            
45661 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Anon                     



I'm only a weekly log-inner,                                
With hundreds to view before dinner.                        
And don't have the time                                     
To think up a rhyme;                                        
Please bear with an earnest beginner.                       
                                                            
45662 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



If you had the mistaken impression                          
There's no work on the Web in recession,                    
Porn's recession-proof;                                     
So to keep head under roof,                                 
But beware of the big wage concession.                      
                                                            
45663 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Dr Limerick              



Well, please don't think Marty's a jerk.                    
It's difficult to post from work                            
To this little group,                                       
When some people snoop;                                     
Her boss is uptight and berserk.                            
                                                            
45664 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Bonnie                   



I'm stunned by the wit of all parties;                      
A right bunch of clever old smarties.                       
But please tell me now                                      
In Allah's name, how                                        
Do you think up your stinging repartees.                    
                                                            
45665 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



Does it come with a flash and a bang?                       
Do you work all alone or in gangs?                          
And when sardines you eat,                                  
Do you stay in your seat?                                   
What do you do for poontang?"                               
                                                            
45666 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



You must sit up all the night long,                         
Composing your acerbic song.                                
So when do you sleep,                                       
And do you all keep                                         
A po in your room, am I wrong?                              
                                                            
45667 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



A prick, it is easy to see                                  
Is handy when needing to pee.                               
But what if your mouse                                      
Falls out of its house,                                     
Right into your bucket of wee.                              
                                                            
45668 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



I can see that the dangers are many                         
In waiting the drop of the penny.                           
When shouting "I've got                                     
It", the rodent is shot                                     
Right into the ordure, (if any).                            
                                                            
45669 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



Therefore I'll just carry on lurking                        
And rely on your literary smirking,                         
To keep entertained --                                      
Us poor feeble brained --                                   
And please don't accuse me of shirking.                     
                                                            
45670 NETWORKS - INTERNET                                     



An alto named Sarah Melissa,                                
Sold her modem and moved to Odessa,                         
When some internet folk                                     
Upped and said -- it's no joke --                           
That she didn't exist! What a pissah!                       
                                                            
45671 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Jim Weaver Collection    



When my PC gets tired of working,                           
It leaps on the Web for some lurking.                       
It openly smiles                                            
When it peeks into files;                                   
And it's not above flagrantly smirking.                     
                                                            
45672 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Larry Dahl               



My ISP 'techy' said, "Bloke,                                
Our service, like you, is a joke,                           
Which ain't very funny,                                     
And since we've no money                                    
To fix it, like you, it stays broke.                        
                                                            
45673 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Travis Brasell           



In the cybercafe we call Website,                           
There are computers online every night.                     
For five dollars an hour,                                   
You can view Eiffel Tower                                   
Or talk to an Israelite.                                    
                                                            
45674 NETWORKS - INTERNET            PCPoetry                 



Towards America, you show distaste;                         
Could it be 'cause we won the arms race?                    
Just don't forget                                           
That this world wide net                                    
Would not be, if it weren't for this place.                 
                                                            
45675 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Dick Churtz              



It may be of interest to learn                              
That the net was developed at CERN.                         
To facilitate a                                             
World flow of data;                                         
So score one point Europe does earn.                        
                                                            
45676 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Dirruk                   



If you want to have a real fright,                          
You'll find, if you visit my site,                          
Far more than you oughter,                                  
Plus pics of my daughter                                    
Stark naked, a wonderful sight.                             
                                                            
45677 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Tiddy Ogg                



If you're surfing the Net with Go.Com,                      
You might find a Brigette Bardot (com),                     
And if drama's your kick,                                   
But your modem's not quick,                                 
You may have to wait for Godot (com).                       
                                                            
45678 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Norm Storer         P9911



When I start my own silly Web Site,                         
My computer will burst with delight.                        
I'll compress, in his files,                                
Incipient smiles,                                           
And satirical bits with more bite.                          
                                                            
45679 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Larry Dahl               



I've heard from some D.C. insiders.                         
Good informants and close confiders,                        
It may be true yet --                                       
Gore brought us the Net,                                    
But Websites were first made by spiders.                    
                                                            
45680 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Guy Ben-Moshe            



I've just started surfing on-line                           
And I'm shocked at the things that I find.                  
Girls covered with gism,                                    
Alt.sex.voyeurism;                                          
I'm having a wonderful time.                                
                                                            
45681 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Wiley                    



Yahoo! got burned and got blasted;                          
Criticism was heavy and lasted,                             
For trafficking porn,                                       
So it caved to the scorn,                                   
Which it probably could have outlasted.                     
                                                            
45682 NETWORKS - INTERNET            Dr Limerick              



It's clearly obvious that pricks                            
Is the only topic that kicks.                               
I hereby propose                                            
A.J.L. to depose                                            
And rename it A.J dot dicks.                                
                                                            
45683 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Nik Synytskyy            



This is the gauntlet I throw:                               
Many verses strung in a row,                                
All sharing a theme                                         
Just this side of obscene,                                  
And a thread of them tending to grow.                       
                                                            
45684 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



There now is a group called Arc-t,                          
Part of the Alt hierarchy.                                  
Some posters are cheesy,                                    
While others are sleazy,                                    
But mostly the content brings glee.                         
                                                            
45685 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          S Rusling                



It's just this Network perverse;                            
Had to surf to find your last verse.                        
Sometimes all I see                                         
Is someone's Re: Re                                         
If I wasn't a lady, I'd curse!                              
                                                            
45686 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Sometimes when a verse is composed,                         
It seems a neat thought to crosspost.                       
But the bland prose replies                                 
Are foul things you despise,                                
And haunt you just like a lost ghost.                       
                                                            
45687 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



Separate postings could cut down this crime,                
And that's what I shall essay next time.                    
We'll not sully your nose                                   
With the stench of gross prose,                             
And you'll harvest a crop of pure rhyme.                    
                                                            
45688 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



Christmas was becoming a bore.                              
In a chat room, I thought, " I'll score!"                   
Right there on the web,                                     
On a virtual bed,                                           
I became a raving cyberfreak whore!                         
                                                            
45689 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



There was a young man with strong views                     
Who wished to express them through news.                    
His appetite insatiiable                                    
On all things debatable,                                    
But Deja did give him the blues.                            
                                                            
45690 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          S Rusling                



What at first was called DejaNews,                          
Was so bad as to warrant abuse.                             
It's a mishap;                                              
Complete utter crap,                                        
And extremely annoying to use.                              
                                                            
45691 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          S Rusling                



(Note how easy it is to insult                              
One and all from this limerick cult.                        
Why this is so,                                             
I really don't know,                                        
But gleefully cheer the result)                             
                                                            
45692 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



A New York biker named Chung,                               
Runs a newsgroup that's hip-deep in dung.                   
I guess someone should thank her,                           
But "Sod Off!  You Wanker!"                                 
Is as close as anyone's come.                               
                                                            
45693 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



Well it's good to see you!  Begad!                          
Are you still the same Jack the Lad?                        
My boobs you may squeeze                                    
And then tell, if you please,                               
Is everyone here still quite mad?                           
                                                            
45694 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Michelle                 



Are folks here still mad?  Yes, I guess                     
We're all a maniacal mess;                                  
Insanist of groups;                                         
The craziest...Oops!                                        
I just heard the mooing of Bess!                            
                                                            
45695 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Travis Brasell           



Last night in a Chat room in the nude,                      
They did things there, ever so rude.                        
But I guess it was fated,                                   
I'd leave there frustrated,                                 
All the guys were in an exclusively gay mood.               
                                                            
45696 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



I have found that when I am tired                           
In this seat, 'fore the screen, I get mired.                
I should be in bed,                                         
But rather, instead,                                        
I plug in and get myself wired.                             
                                                            
45697 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Juice                    



It's possible that it's a trance;                           
I'm just in an odd circumstance,                            
For rhythm and rhyme                                        
Don't come all the time.                                    
Lack of sleep does writing enhance.                         
                                                            
45698 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Juice                    



Perhaps it is all in my mind,                               
And I write like this all of the time.                      
And self-censoring                                          
Is really the thing,                                        
That when I am tired, I can't find.                         
                                                            
45699 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Juice                    



I don't think that you are mistaken.                        
Quite oft, in the night I awaken,                           
My head full of rhymes,                                     
But most of the time,                                       
They don't quite match Shakespeare or Bacon.                
                                                            
45700 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Tiddy Ogg                



To that newsgroup that we call bad-attitude,                
Whose charter is given broad latitude                       
To bitch and to moan,                                       
To fuss and to groan,                                       
I must express my deep-felt gratitude.                      
                                                            
45701 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Thomas See               



My birthday is June twenty-third;                           
My house is off Beechwood I've heard.                       
I'm a newsgroup infringer                                   
With hair coloured ginger,                                  
And my breath has the smell of a turd.                      
                                                            
45702 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



Religion and Politics will mar                              
Any attempts to enjoy R and R.                              
I guess it is true                                          
Of a newsgroup too,                                         
So I'll leave things just as they are.                      
                                                            
45703 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          S C Saint                



My news server's sometimes a pest;                          
When I post; on occasions it just                           
Seems to lose it; I can't                                   
Read my stuff so I rant                                     
And I rave at it. (This is a test.)                         
                                                            
45704 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



For some "newgroups" I don't give a damn;                   
For "news", the whole thing's a sham.                       
They're really a bore,                                      
'Cause just like a store,                                   
The good one are all crammed with Spam.                     
                                                            
45705 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Alt...limericks are where rhymes are spun --                
Some of them second to none.                                
Is it an art,                                               
Or just a mind fart?                                        
Someday I'll rip off a good one.                            
                                                            
45706 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          H Whelchel               



Limericks are farts of the brain.                           
They can be complex, others plain.                          
The brain will excrete                                      
Some words that are sweet,                                  
While others just leave a dark stain.                       
                                                            
45707 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Frank Fazed              



My news server's changed, so I'm testing                    
The works, so there's no time for jesting.                  
Besides, I'm delayed                                        
By my new Spanish maid,                                     
As all of her clothes she's divesting.                      
                                                            
45708 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



In chat rooms I once did go;                                
In there you'll find me no mo'.                             
I could not train                                           
Those with no brain;                                        
They must have thought me a ho'.                            
                                                            
45709 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



So my identity I did mask.                                  
Who am I?  Just e-mail to ask.                              
I got a good laugh                                          
From all the riff-raff,                                     
And did not have to take them to task.                      
                                                            
45710 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



Seems every weekend I fall into the blues;                  
I keep checking into the news-                              
Group to find,                                              
Either I'm losing my mind                                   
Or there just ain't no new lims to choose.                  
                                                            
45711 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Chris Anton              



Is anyone out there today?                                  
Or am I just waffling away.                                 
Please answer my cries,                                     
Take me by surprise,                                        
Or take this computer away!                                 
                                                            
45712 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS                                   



There's a place for everyone here,                          
Be you straight, bigamic, or queer,                         
Sarcastic, romantic,                                        
Or simply phantasmic,                                       
Place a lim, you don't deserve a smear.                     
                                                            
45713 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Dirruk                   



We strive for a world of free speech;                       
Denying opinions would breach                               
This ultimate goal.                                         
So a sarcastic soul                                         
Has his place here too; This I preach.                      
                                                            
45714 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Dirruk                   



Each bird has a different beak.                             
diversity is what we should seek.                           
If ONE song we hear,                                        
Then we are too near                                        
At forming a 'elitaire clique!'                             
                                                            
45715 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Dirruk                   



Not mammaries, but memories are bountiful;                  
Limericks on big dicks are a counterful.                    
Have our rhymes been cursed?                                
No update since May Twenty-First.                           
Shall we wait or flagellate your counter pull?              
                                                            
45716 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Jim Weaver Collection    



The send button calls to my eye;                            
This limerick, I'll just let it fly.                        
Beats pulling my pud,                                       
To type out such crud.                                      
No scansions, I know you'll all cry.                        
                                                            
45717 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Doros Z                  



The vicodin addles my brain!                                
It sucks, but it pushes back pain.                          
My worlds circumscribed,                                    
And my brains all but died.                                 
My tomorrows are all down the drain.                        
                                                            
45718 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Doros Z                  



I'd call Carol's name during joy,                           
But hell!  She could be a boy!                              
Such internet fun,                                          
Its reality none.                                           
It's the ultimate no-brainer toy.                           
                                                            
45719 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Doros Z                  



Their chat talk on-line ran free;                           
Sensuality strong was the key.                              
But in total, their action                                  
Gave no satisfaction;                                       
'Twas a virtual blow job, you see.                          
                                                            
45720 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          The Sailor          P0310



To a newsgroup, a message was sent                          
From a man on the west side of Kent.                        
It didn't appear                                            
For over a year,                                            
And he never found out where it went.                       
                                                            
45721 NETWORKS - NEWSGROUPS          Jim Weaver Collection    



I'd like to make my introduction;                           
I'm eighteen and well-built and buxom.                      
Well, that isn't quite true;                                
I'm at least thirty-two,                                    
And my stomach is held in with suction.                     
                                                            
45722 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Adam                     



I apologize here for the crime                              
Of a post lacking meter and rhyme.                          
I guess I should never                                      
Try being so clever                                         
Forgive me folks, just one more time!                       
                                                            
45723 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              John Miller 0310         



I've heard that the game's not begun,                       
So who is now playing -- everyone?                          
Form a line to the right                                    
For those too uptight.                                      
I'm here on the left having fun!                            
                                                            
45724 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Disaster befell my endeavor                                 
This morning, I thought I was clever.                       
Instead of a prize,                                         
I was cut down to size.                                     
My escutcheon is blotted forever.                           
                                                            
45725 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Ed Randolph              



We will meet at the usual place                             
Where we hope we will then see your face.                   
'Cause we're counting on you,                               
Else we'll have much too few                                
To continue at our hectic pace.                             
                                                            
45726 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Fred Cohen          P9211



Oh, Carol, I'm shaking my head,                             
To see you out here, 'cause instead                         
You should dress up in frills;                              
Wear a necklace with brills.                                
Be a lady!  (Don't use words so bad!)                       
                                                            
45727 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



If you are looking for the udderly best                     
Titty supplier in all of the west,                          
He's a go-between                                           
For a cute Holstein,                                        
From Beaumont, in Texas, it's Les.                          
                                                            
45728 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Ericka                   



The cyber-slut thanks sweet sportsFan,                      
And of course, she adores WriterMan!                        
She thinks, "Syl, don't be nervous;                         
These hards you must service;                               
And who the hell cares about Stan?"                         
                                                            
45729 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Dear Robin, it's just as you've heard.                      
I've a word now tatooed on my bird.                         
And you'd maybe concede                                     
That it's something to read,                                
But don't read it, just take my word.                       
                                                            
45730 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Michael Polo        P8908



Poor Archie I have to defend;                               
For his deeds, he does much to commend.                     
He brings flowers and wine                                  
'Fore he pokes their behind.                                
Thats what I call one hell of a friend!                     
                                                            
45731 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



Oh, Sylvie, don't be such a chicken!                        
When will you start some dick lickin'?                      
You say you give head,                                      
But it's all talk instead!                                  
Give us some hot limericking!                               
                                                            
45732 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



If one lot should be free to sell                           
Their beliefs on the net, then as well,                     
Those who do not agree                                      
Must be equally free,                                       
To tell them to all go to hell!                             
                                                            
45733 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



I have nothing witty to say.                                
Didn't think you'd be here today.                           
I tried to keep up my chin                                  
But the wobbles set in,                                     
When I thought you'd gone elsewhere to play.                
                                                            
45734 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



So just how the Hell have you been                          
Alive, but how fat or still lean?                           
And still filling bytes                                     
While dressed in green tights,                              
With thoughts that are mostly obscene?                      
                                                            
45735 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



Words fail me, I cannot express                             
How I deeply, completely obsess                             
Over men who can shag                                       
In green-tighted drag,                                      
While whispering sweet hexadec.                             
                                                            
45736 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



Assumptions you've made here have lead                      
To digressions clear out of the thread                      
(GREEN TIGHTS?  Not a chance!                               
They're pink to enhance                                     
The pallor I have now I'm dead.)                            
                                                            
45737 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



No promise I'll reign in my cock, 'til                      
It's yours just as hard as a rock; still                    
I will switch to green,                                     
If you'll promise, obscene                                  
Acts together will never be octal!                          
                                                            
45738 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



While playing his sick little game,                         
A hacker took aim at my AIM.                                
Sure, I can afford                                          
To change my password,                                      
But I'm going to miss my screen name.                       
                                                            
45739 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Phil T                   



To those with a cock like a steer,                          
And those most decidedly queer,                             
And to each Toast Point Poet,                               
I bend down and blow it,                                    
To wish you a happy New Year!                               
                                                            
45740 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Herkin sends greetings from Australia,                      
But is suffering from word failure.                         
He played with his cock                                     
And he got "writer's block";                                
On recovering, he'll E-mail ya'.                            
                                                            
45741 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



I thought the SAGE patted my back;                          
A great BIG gold star, what a wrap.                         
But when Aitch got one too,                                 
Twas then that I knew                                       
YOU USE THEM FOR HIGHLIGHTING CRAP!                         
                                                            
45742 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



For those of you new to the group,                          
My stinkiest lines I recoup.                                
Forgive the re-run;                                         
I still find them fun,                                      
Even if you think them poop.                                
                                                            
45743 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              H WHELCHEL               



The men here are all succulent,                             
Inspiring me to turn and be bent.                           
Is there any one                                            
Who's free to have fun?                                     
Whatever you want, I'll consent!                            
                                                            
45744 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm sorry 'bout your average in bed.                        
Another thing about limericks to be said:                   
The news group that spawned us,                             
And hasn't yet scorned us                                   
Keeps us from becoming brain-dead.                          
                                                            
45745 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              S C Saint                



Lady Jane, we must set things aright;                       
We can meet by the dawn's early light.                      
Our discussion refined                                      
Will be strictly confined                                   
To good points of a member upright.                         
                                                            
45746 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Phil Cannibal       P9102



No innocent babes reside here.                              
We're lewd, we're crude and drink beer.                     
You'd best close your eyes,                                 
While Jon parts my thighs,                                  
And I give a suck to his spear.                             
                                                            
45747 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



And us girls also love when you beat                        
Our behinds with the length of your meat,                   
And (that's also a fact)                                    
The performance of act                                      
At the speed of a rabbit in heat.                           
                                                            
45748 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



As I dialed on up to the Net,                               
I was saddened, glum and I fret.                            
It alt.limericks                                            
A lot of limp dicks,                                        
With no wit or verse, just wet.                             
                                                            
45749 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



To McWilliam I have to say phooey!                          
For sending a book that is screwy,                          
Since lims on liquidity                                     
Can't claim their validity,                                 
While omitting the one that is gluey.                       
                                                            
45750 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Hugh Clary               



Dear Lady Jane, incognito.                                  
My guess is if you're not a Jane Doe...                     
Nor Russell...nor Fonda...                                  
You're Jane Giaconda.                                       
Me Tarzan AND me want to know.                              
                                                            
45751 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Irving Superior     P9102



If Merc could make the world so,                            
He's one guy whom I'd want to know.                         
He wants to give pleasure,                                  
The kind you can't measure!                                 
It's time. You can put up or show!                          
                                                            
45752 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Merrit's rung Writerman's bell--                            
It's in love where this poet has fell.                      
What's crazier yet,                                         
We met on the net                                           
And I'm so fucking happy -- I YELL!!!                       
                                                            
45753 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Writerman                



To Arthur Deex; Your abject fan                             
Whose verses may your anger fan;                            
If I'm contrary--                                           
Obituary                                                    
HE MISSED THE BOAT BUT HIT THE FAN.                         
                                                            
45754 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Irving Superior     P9105



You'll find all the guys here are he-men,                   
And strong coffee-drinkers, not tea men.                    
While ladies ARE few,                                       
They would not eschew                                       
A goodly supply of Bull's Semen.                            
                                                            
45755 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



I really don't mean to intrude,                             
Though my rhymes may sometimes be crude,                    
But today is the day                                        
That I jump in the fray.                                    
Forgive me should my ass protrude!                          
                                                            
45756 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



My intention was not to offend,                             
Nor wistfully search for a friend.                          
Bread and wine, verse and bough,                            
Cannot comfort me now,                                      
That I find I have Thou in the blend.                       
                                                            
45757 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



It's interesting spotting folks elsewhere.                  
Who'd expect finding most of you out there?                 
I love seeing old friends                                   
With new names popping in,                                  
Just don't put me under the crosshair.                      
                                                            
45758 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



Rhyming humor opposed to a screw;                           
A difference exists, 'twixt the two.                        
The one saving grace                                        
In this news-group place:                                   
When you fail, no one's laughing at you.                    
                                                            
45759 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Irish                    



I'll grant you your point of view                           
Though personally I think it's askew.                       
I enjoy this group's wit,                                   
And the fun they transmit;                                  
I'll leave future politicking to you.                       
                                                            
45760 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              S C Saint                



It's not Rachel, my man, but Raquel                         
Whom you lust over, I once heard tell;                      
Don't you want on your lap                                  
A loose broad, not a JAP,                                   
One who licks, sucks, and screws very well?                 
(Jewish American Princess)                                  
45761 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Mark Levy           P9702



Charlotte and Stan are an item!                             
Great limericks -- both of them write them!                 
Imagination recalls                                         
Her mouth near his balls,                                   
And Stan yelling, "Charlotte, don't bite them!"             
                                                            
45762 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Sit down -- let me give you the scoop:                      
What you are means naught to this troupe.                   
I'm pure and I'm chaste --                                  
All over the placed                                         
By randy men from this news group.                          
                                                            
45763 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



My hopeful and humble behest,                               
Please put me right here with the rest.                     
I've polished my rhyming                                    
And metered my timing;                                      
I think I can run with the best.                            
                                                            
45764 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Bob Leclerc              



Charl's gone and now Og's in a funk,                        
Surveying his too-empty bunk.                               
Anon's feeling like mud,                                    
Stan is pulling his pud,                                    
But Sylvie's in search of a hunk!                           
                                                            
45765 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



I have to advise you Michelle,                              
Post nothing to bat_outa_hell.                              
The postman will pounce                                     
And give it the bounce.                                     
Send here to be ringing my bell.                            
                                                            
45766 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



Sylvie said, "Sample my cooze,                              
While Charlotte is off on her cruise."                      
But her pussy's no match                                    
For Charl's perfect snatch,                                 
And her blowjobs no man can refuse.                         
                                                            
45767 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



A flogging one time I did take                              
For making a little mistake!                                
Now a pat on the back                                       
Instead of the flack;                                       
STARGAZER, to me gives a break.                             
(Stargazer is the second known snather)                     
45768 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Sylvie, don't be such a chicken!                            
When will you start some dick lickin'?                      
You say you give head,                                      
But it's all talk instead!                                  
Give us some HOT limericking!                               
                                                            
45769 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Sylvie's new boyfriend is pissed!                           
Wants his girlfriend to cease and desist.                   
Now that this art you've mastered,                          
Sylvie, don't let the bastard                               
Take you from out of our midst!                             
                                                            
45770 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Sylvie, come out of the cold --                             
We welcome you into our fold!                               
Seduce us and use us,                                       
Tease us, abuse us --                                       
You're ours now -- to have and to hold!                     
                                                            
45771 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



The animals here in this zoo,                               
Sylvie, are panting for you.                                
You'll get so much action,                                  
You'll end up in traction,                                  
Without even O.J. to sue!                                   
                                                            
45772 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Sylvie, your some kind of hot!                              
You speak of your fabulous twat!                            
Are you Charlotte's replacement?                            
Bring it down to my basement --                             
And I'll give it all that I've got!                         
                                                            
45773 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Slyvie's just begging for action --                         
It shows in her latest reaction.                            
It's time that you dare,                                    
Show your sweet derriere,                                   
And take in an eager erection.                              
                                                            
45774 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



But this party's become too ingrown!                        
Og and SportFan their talents have shown;                   
New guys, show your stuff!                                  
Put your face in my muff,                                   
And try to make Sylvie groan!                               
                                                            
45775 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Slyvie, are you getting ready?                              
Together, let's give them some heady!                       
You pick your beau                                          
And off we will go.                                         
Move fast, 'cause I'm checking out Phreddie!                
                                                            
45776 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



What's happened to poets today?                             
They've thrown rhyme schemes and meter away.                
They fuck up their verses                                   
With meaningless curses.                                    
What's worse is they post every day.                        
                                                            
45777 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Although for a while I'm unfit,                             
In fact I'm in quite a snit.                                
A brand new young Debby,                                    
Who posts as a webbie,                                      
Is throwing her weight 'round a bit!                        
                                                            
45778 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



Whatever you do in this bog,                                
Do NOT speak of anything "dog".                             
Not "style", and not "whippet";                             
"Piece of tail"?  Best snip it                              
Or you'll end up underneath Ogg.                            
                                                            
45779 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



I try to write limericks a lot,                             
But in truth they're not worth a jot.                       
That Main's quite the man                                   
For rhyming and scan.                                       
So tell us what's right and what's not.                     
                                                            
45780 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



The Toast Point website is grand;                           
Why it's popular I can understand.                          
Although triple X                                           
Gets more hits, I guess,                                    
It's hard to surf with just one hand.                       
                                                            
45781 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Lars                     



Ancient tales of the Nantucket Lass,                        
Or the Alsation balls made of brass,                        
Must be sent to Toast Point;                                
Gets his nose out of joint.                                 
Getting T.P. pissed is a gas!                               
                                                            
45782 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



For a short time I must disappear                           
Got a real heavy date with John Deere                       
We roll in high grass                                       
Hay rake up our ass                                         
Did I hear our Toast Point give a cheer?                    
                                                            
45783 NETWORKS - PEOPLE                                       



There once was a poet named Jeeves,                         
Whose "rank meat" gave Toast Point the heaves.              
Said Toast, "I'll not publish                               
This disgusting rubbish."                                   
Thus the poet just sits and he grieves.                     
                                                            
45784 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Toast Point, I welcome you back!                            
We've missed you and your page; that's a fact!              
The lewd and crude verse,                                   
Perverted and terse,                                        
Helps keep my sanity intact.                                
                                                            
45785 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Da Homer, you're really too kind,                           
But a niche I've created, I find...                         
Considered my duty                                          
To support what is lewdy,                                   
And grist for the true dirty mind!                          
                                                            
45786 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Toast Point and Sage, I do thank you,                       
For creating this site, credit's due!                       
Although I'm not gay,                                       
I think I should say,                                       
If I were Ginger, Syl, or Charl, I would wank you!          
                                                            
45787 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



The judicial sage of Toast Point,                           
A poet he craved to annoint.                                
With a urinous hiss,                                        
He fermented the piss                                       
And rubbed it all over his joint.                           
                                                            
45788 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



My Wumpus - so thoughtful and kind                          
Supplied his own sweet Valentine -                          
Since I'm too fat for candy                                 
He thought 'twould be dandy                                 
To hop into bed and be mine!                                
                                                            
45789 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Toast Point, as he sat on his rumpus,                  
"We do not need strangers to jump us,                       
We've now settled down                                      
Outside New York town,                                      
With our fuzzy and cuddly Wumpus!"                          
                                                            
45790 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Well Arch, you are to be commended;                         
That link on your site is just splendid.                    
It was Tony's site  (Tony Davie)                            
That brought lims to light                                  
For me.  What a shame his life ended.                       
                                                            
45791 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Carol                    



You can't see me, I'm just lurkin';                         
No time; I'm stuck here hard workin'.                       
I'll come back pretty soon,                                 
Maybe next noon.                                            
I'll pick up the threads and my merkin.                     
                                                            
45792 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Archie                   



The net has left me perplexed,                              
Chagrined, and quite sorely vexed,                          
'Cause I don't have the poop                                
On what that this group                                     
Comes from or is going to next.                             
                                                            
45793 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



It's pitiful shit I abhor,                                  
Affecting folks that I adore.                               
There's sadness, dismay;                                    
I even heard say,                                           
"What in Hell did Frank do that for?"                       
                                                            
45794 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Anon                     



Some poets are now so obsessed                              
With Bill Clinton, which leaves me distressed.              
It's surely a waste                                         
And a lowering of taste,                                    
From the usual stuff (like incest).                         
                                                            
45795 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              John Miller              



I sent off my verse to an editor                            
Who even before he had read it, or                          
Scanned half a line,                                        
Perceived it was mine,                                      
And wrote, "L. Perrine,                                     
I'd not print this though you were a creditor."             
45796 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Laurence Perrine    P8707



WriterMan's had quite enough!                               
This party is getting too rough!                            
"Naughty" is nice --                                        
But here's some advice --                                   
Let's can the mean-spirited stuff.                          
                                                            
45797 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Writerman welcomes back Ginger,                             
With a cock that's so hot, it could singe her!              
So I'll make Ginger smile                                   
Writerman style,                                            
Lest Ginger give me the finger.                             
                                                            
45798 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



WriterMan's semen tastes like wine,                         
Of a vintage exceedingly fine.                              
He's got brains, taste, and class;                          
He wins this lady's ass --                                  
Og, please be my own Valentine?                             
                                                            
45799 NETWORKS - PEOPLE              Jim Weaver Collection    



It seems I have had my fun,                                 
And now my time here is done.                               
But before I go,                                            
I feel you should know                                      
I've misled you all, every one.                             
                                                            
45800 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Back when I first logged on,                                
I told you my name was Jon.                                 
That was a lie;                                             
I'm not even a guy;                                         
I've just been having my fun.                               
                                                            
45801 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



I am in a wheelchair, though;                               
About this I wouldn't lie, you know.                        
But things that I've said                                   
About college misled                                        
You to believe I'm not young, but old.                      
                                                            
45802 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Before I leave the limerick scene,                          
I telling you I'm just fourteen.                            
An impressionable kid,                                      
(Behind persona I hid.)                                     
My real name is actually Charlene.                          
                                                            
45803 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



The last name, Gearhart, I took                             
From a page in the telephone book.                          
I won't tell my real one.                                   
It's just so much fun                                       
Pretending I'm some other schnook.                          
                                                            
45804 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



I don't even live in IOWAY,                                 
Like I said just the other day.                             
I'm from the state                                          
Of ten thousand lakes,                                      
And I've only one thing left to say.                        
                                                            
45805 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



I'll be fifteen three weeks from today,                     
And right back in school, Hooray!                           
I won't have time                                           
To bother with rhyme,                                       
Adios, muchachos, good day.                                 
                                                            
45806 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



The DOJ's web page was hacked!                              
The CIA's server was cracked!                               
Web geeks they will hire,                                   
'Cause their server's on fire,                              
And the Webmasters there were all sacked!                   
                                                            
45807 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



"You know that they're watching," you say,                  
Like Big Brother, like CIA.                                 
'Cause Steeve's web page was scoured,                       
Fifteen times per hour,                                     
And that's just counting yesterday.                         
                                                            
45808 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



If they work for the CIA, you said,                         
By now I'm sure you would be dead.                          
'Cause the spooks got the means,                            
To wipe you out clean,                                      
If you tattle the tales of the Fed.                         
                                                            
45809 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



A birthday I had, true enough;                              
And I got me some really good stuff.                        
A candle in sand,                                           
A limerick and                                              
A picture of Frank in the buff.                             
                                                            
45810 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



My darling, you must have seen double;                      
Such chatter will get me in trouble.                        
I'm wearing enough                                          
And not in the buff.                                        
In fact, there is forty years stubble.                      
                                                            
45811 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     SFA                      



That's stubble?  Oh thanks, I won't worry.                  
Guess I was in too big a hurry.                             
Looked close to inspect                                     
Then had to get my eyes checked,                            
'Cause I thought they had gone all blurry.                  
                                                            
45812 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



My psychiatrist told me today,                              
I could safely come back and play.                          
He said M.P.D.                                              
Is what's plaguing me,                                      
And I should confront it this way.                          
(M.P.D. - multiple personality disorder)                    
45813 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Sometimes I will write as Charlene                          
(The jailbait girl of fourteen)                             
Sometimes as Gearhart,                                      
That ignorant old fart,                                     
And sometimes as Max, closet queen.                         
                                                            
45814 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Ivana B. Scrued ran away;                                   
The last thing that I heard her say                         
As she left the group.                                      
This limerick troop,                                        
She might drop by again someday.                            
                                                            
45815 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Hello, I am Max, closet queen;                              
I was ousted by Gear and Charlene.                          
Thought I'd write in,                                       
But where to begin?                                         
I've got many thoughts obscene.                             
                                                            
45816 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



From being a voyeur here,                                   
I know I have nothing to fear.                              
You all are a riot;                                         
Sex is your main diet --                                    
Straight, bi, bondaged, or queer.                           
                                                            
45817 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



Now by queen, I mean I like drag;                           
I am hetero, not a fag.                                     
I like licking clits                                        
And fondling tits,                                          
And it's never men that I shag.                             
                                                            
45818 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Gearhart                 



A romanace that we built out of Lego;                       
Me, Miami, and she, San Diego.                              
Didn't matter to me;                                        
Seemed a match meant to be                                  
Like vermicelli and Prego!                                  
                                                            
45819 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Writerman                



Every night, we both stoked the fires,                      
Burning oil and telephone wires.                            
Her voice, her refrain,                                     
I craved like cocaine.                                      
All doomsayers put down as liars!                           
                                                            
45820 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Writerman                



From San Diego she came,                                    
Writerman's Internet Flame!                                 
The past has passed --                                      
Together at last!                                           
Kathy's the young lady's name!                              
                                                            
45821 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Writerman                



I had wondered just how I could get                         
Hooked on someone I'd never met!                            
Doesn't work, now I know, sir --                            
I'll choose one who lives closer                            
Lest when she comes -- she comes on a jet.                  
                                                            
45822 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Writerman                



Though we'd sworn our love for always,                      
She was out of here in two days!                            
This "gentleman sucker",                                    
He never did fuck her --                                    
Fuck her and maybe she stays!                               
                                                            
45823 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Writerman                



Though she didn't quite ring my bell,                       
The thing seemed to be going quite well.                    
But when cybermate Kathy                                    
Got too psychopathy,                                        
It turned into a romance from Hell!                         
                                                            
45824 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Writerman                



Forget her! Forget her! Forget her!                         
You can do, oh, so much better!                             
Now though 'twas a shock,                                   
Time to perk up your cock                                   
And plug a more sane Internetter!                           
                                                            
45825 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Writerman, don't be forlorn --                              
This woman is not one to mourn.                             
She wasn't for you.                                         
So you're one, not yet two,                                 
Don't give up -- raise your head, blow your horn!           
                                                            
45826 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man with great fear                        
The CIA was checking out limericks here.                    
I'm willing to bet                                          
They don't monitor the net.                                 
So chill out and have yourself a beer.                      
                                                            
45827 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



And as for them checking the net...                         
I'd be happy to call on your bet.                           
The Feds would be shirking                                  
Their jobs if not lurking                                   
To parry the Communist Threat!                              
                                                            
45828 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



"But the Reds are no problem!" you say.                     
Well the Feds just can't see it that way.                   
I hate to annoy ya';                                        
There's more paranoia                                       
In THEM than in ME any day!                                 
                                                            
45829 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Some limericks were posted by Persians                      
In multiple nefarious versions;                             
Hidden deep in those rhymes                                 
Were hideous crimes,                                        
Encryptions, and devious perversions.                       
                                                            
45830 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



While threatening lawsuits for libel,                       
The Queen was thumping her bible.                           
Not the one the priests read                                
In their hour of need,                                      
But one where her libels are viable.                        
                                                            
45831 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



For nine months she angrily posted                          
And ranted and raved and boasted,                           
But to our regret                                           
She was kicked off the net.                                 
To her memory, we stood up and posted.                      
                                                            
45832 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Then to the Internet's horrida,                             
She found an account down in Florida                        
From which she could claim                                  
University's name,                                          
Without ever entering a corrida.                            
                                                            
45833 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Though she in her own special way                           
Thought this access OK,                                     
Florida ops disagreed                                       
Citing lack of real need,                                   
And took her net-acess away.                                
                                                            
45834 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



This caused a great cry and a shout;                        
The queen had been beaten about.                            
She fled to her lair,                                       
Tossing back her red hair,                                  
And planning revenge for this rout.                         
                                                            
45835 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



And surprise, surprise, from beyond Western skies,          
Came a lapdog barking quite loudly.                         
He knew not repercussions                                   
Of libel discussions,                                       
And so relayed her messages proudly.                        
                                                            
45836 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



So again, we were forced to read                            
Her every skittering screed,                                
And wonder and wait                                         
For her postings of hate                                    
Relayed from Tahiti, by fate.                               
                                                            
45837 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



She thought anyone she could handle.                        
Her words were her pride, her mantle.                       
But this state of mind                                      
Left her legally blind,                                     
Like a moth flying into a candle.                           
                                                            
45838 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Like a mule that's been kicked in the head,                 
She staggered off filled up with dread.                     
But each removal from access                                
Gave her what she liked bes':                               
The opportunity to rise from the dead.                      
                                                            
45839 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Next time an account in Dow-jee-shi,                        
After that a nickname in Brindisi,                          
And postings from China                                     
Gave the poor whina                                         
A chance to show us she's seedy.                            
                                                            
45840 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



She pays for her access now                                 
From a legally-got cash cow.                                
But her claims of libel                                     
And lawsuits not viable,                                    
Have gotten her into a big row.                             
                                                            
45841 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



She has not yet won in the court;                           
Readers bait her like bears in a sport.                     
If her lawyers don't go                                     
Into court in a row,                                        
She'll be forced to abandon the fort.                       
                                                            
45842 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Though that little libel law firm                           
Is still fronting the horrible worm,                        
Against their advice                                        
She walked on thin ice;                                     
Her posts are now making them squirm.                       
                                                            
45843 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



For a hypocrit cannot remain                                
Posting into the public domain,                             
And then crying out                                         
When she's beaten about                                     
And calling her lawyers again.                              
                                                            
45844 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



She really made horrible mistakes                           
When she contacted cops in the States.                      
She failed to remember                                      
They're free to dismember                                   
In print anything publicly states.                          
                                                            
45845 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Countries' laws aren't, you see                             
The same in relative misery.                                
But lawyers should know                                     
'Ere to court they do go:                                   
They are similar regarding hypocracy.                       
                                                            
45846 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



Posting rant after rant after rant,                         
In a style which she cannot recant,                         
We're delighted to say                                      
She will soon have her day                                  
When complainer becomes defendant.                          
                                                            
45847 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



And her lawyers really know not                             
The miles of files we've got,                               
Showing each little libel                                   
From her own little bible,                                  
That to our lawyers were brought.                           
                                                            
45848 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



As with everything else, she is doomed.                     
Jobs, posts, all is ruined.                                 
There's no one to blame                                     
But her own stupid name:                                    
Bye-bye Queen, we now may assume.                           
                                                            
45849 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



She wasn't done in by verbacity,                            
Although she had gotten quite nasity.                       
She was finally sunk                                        
By repeating old bunk.                                      
That and her own dumb tenacity.                             
                                                            
45850 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm glad you are back in the news,                          
And recovered from flu and the blues.                       
I thought that your bike                                    
Had got lost in the dike,                                   
And you'd hunted around for some clues.                     
                                                            
45851 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     PeterW                   



The problem with finding a bike                             
Which is yours and is lost in a dike                        
Is they all look the same,                                  
Except maybe the frame.                                     
(But you're lucky if yours is a trike.)                     
                                                            
45852 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     PeterW                   



But what if the wheels number four                          
In a dike you've begun to explore.                          
It's two bicycles stuck                                     
And they're having a fuck                                   
And they're breeding one-wheelers for sure.                 
                                                            
45853 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     PeterW                   



One-wheelers are buggers to ride;                           
If you try, you just wobble and slide.                      
When you get in a spin,                                     
('Cause their saddles are thin)                             
You get screwed (maybe buggered) inside.                    
                                                            
45854 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     PeterW                   



So Tjarda, I hope that you found                            
That your bike in the dike was not drowned.                 
But keep off those bikes                                    
Which have saddle like spikes,                              
If you value your ass and your mound.                       
                                                            
45855 NETWORKS - PEOPLE - SERIES     PeterW                   



There were limerists galore on the net,                     
Who could churn them right out with no sweat.               
But when Al came on line,                                   
With his poems most divine,                                 
They knew not the Master they'd met!                        
                                                            
45856 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Beelzebub, say I forthwith,                                 
Is admirable as a wordsmith.                                
I give him high praise                                      
At turning a phrase,                                        
And his bark seems worse that his pith.                     
                                                            
45857 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Sumaq              TP9804



I was glad that you were not offended,                      
For no malice was ever intended.                            
You know, Cap'n Bean,                                       
That I will be obscene,                                     
And perverse just as you recommended.                       
                                                            
45858 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Bob Birch                



I can tell by the writings of Birch                         
That he sure wasn't raised in a church,                     
For to locate a dude                                        
Who is equally crude,                                       
Would require a laborious search.                           
                                                            
45859 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Cap'n Bean               



The Internet server connects us                             
To a poetry site down in Texas,                             
Where a furniture fixer                                     
Serves us an elixir                                         
Of rhymes she receives from both sexes.                     
                                                            
45860 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Gerry Busch              



And the rest of you still cracking wise                     
Which comes to me as no surprise.                           
I've missed you and now,                                    
If I've not forgot how,                                     
I'll post and not just feast my eyes...                     
                                                            
45861 NETWORKS - PRAISE                                       



Marlene, of poets you write.                                
Saying no more than two bring delight.                      
Try William MacGonigle                                      
The master of doggerel.                                     
He'll certainly give you a fright.                          
                                                            
45862 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Tiddy Ogg                



And then there is old Ogden Nash.                           
Through the English language he'll dash;                    
His comical rhyme,                                          
Makes me smile all the time.                                
Go on, give him a bash.                                     
                                                            
45863 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Tiddy Ogg                



But none, with your verse can compete.                      
You come out with rhymings so sweet.                        
You make an old man so happy                                
That he feels really sappy,                                 
To read your great lims is a treat.                         
                                                            
45864 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Tiddy Ogg                



If I weren't already taken,                                 
My thirst you would now be slakin'.                         
But my honey bee                                            
Just stings it to me,                                       
And leaves me all quiver and quakin'.                       
                                                            
45865 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Arden                    



My passion is growing each time                             
I come to this page and see rhyme.                          
The men are so good;                                        
I wish that they could                                      
Make cyber be real, it's sublime!                           
                                                            
45866 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



I salute my sweet darling, named Lori,                      
And I'll say so in song and in story.                       
But she lives in PA                                         
So I'll merely convey                                       
What I mean in a bold allegory.                             
                                                            
45867 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



How nice that you're trying to be                           
So clean and gentlemanly.                                   
This sudden change                                          
I know feels quite strange.                                 
But guess who's proud of you!?  Me!                         
                                                            
45868 NETWORKS - PRAISE                                       



I'd rather be set on by killer-bees,                        
Or polluted by Libyans in jillabees,                        
Or have beer taste vanilla-y                                
Than be placed in a pillory                                 
In a limerick of Robin Kay Willoughby's.                    
                                                            
45869 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Don Laycock         P8605



So welcome aboard, Mister Chaine,                           
From the poet in England, Tim Main.                         
As you cross over this border,                              
Your rhymes, you must order,                                
And I'll not have a reason to flame.                        
                                                            
45870 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Dear Ann Gasser, Your writing's sublime.                    
So much wry in so tiny a rhyme!                             
Of its sex, I would speak                                   
But my voice is so weak...                                  
I would much rather do it in mime.                          
                                                            
45871 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Michael Polo        P8907



You don't mind taking a peek,                               
To lurk and see who's here, you sneak.                      
Your posts are so few,                                      
You know we miss you;                                       
Some whore must have made you real weak.                    
                                                            
45872 NETWORKS - PRAISE                                       



I admit, that sometimes, in a stupor,                       
Even I, God forbid, make a blooper.                         
This escapes past the most                                  
Of the morons here post;                                    
But not you my most honorable "trooper."                    
                                                            
45873 NETWORKS - PRAISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



I don't know what it has to do                              
With anyone being a Jew.                                    
Unsolicted ads                                              
Come from sorry-assed cads;                                 
I'm anti-spamitic too!                                      
                                                            
45874 NETWORKS - SPAM                Mr Malo                  



We doubt that Armenian cuisine                              
Will turn on our sex machine.                               
We hear you use sheep                                       
Even when you're asleep.                                    
Go thou, spam elsewhere from this scene.                    
                                                            
45875 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



It looks like your igloo done melted;                       
With invisible Spam we've been pelted.                      
Please take your blank page                                 
And go back in your cage,                                   
Unless you want your ass black-belted.                      
                                                            
45876 NETWORKS - SPAM                Cheryl                   



The next time you go out a-boozing,                         
Take a spammer along 'stead of cruising.                    
(Find a burly truck driver                                  
And slip him a fiver                                        
To help give the pig snot a bruising.)                      
                                                            
45877 NETWORKS - SPAM                John Miller 0274a        



When a guy says the money is quick,                         
And shows that he's not even slick,                         
It's a scam, it's a spam,                                   
And we don't give a damn,                                   
'Cause his brain is the size of a tick.                     
                                                            
45878 NETWORKS - SPAM                Kathi Webster            



On the web, the babes always look at you,                   
Nympho teens, triple-Ds or what have you:                   
Notwithstanding your lust,                                  
If you don't want to trust                                  
Unknown sites, buy directly from Yahoo!                     
                                                            
45879 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



Spam is a wonderful meat;                                   
I once thought that it was a treat.                         
I see so much now,                                          
I wonder just how                                           
I once thought it couldn't be beat.                         
                                                            
45880 NETWORKS - SPAM                Burrito Man              



When I'm given an obvious SPAM,                             
Without even a mention of "ma'am,"                          
'Tis not only rude                                          
But females you exclude;                                    
The best thing that rhymes here is "cram".                  
                                                            
45881 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



Those dastardly bastards are sick,                          
And greedy and totally thick.                               
Spamming is criminal;                                       
With junk mail subliminal,                                  
Get ninety nine years in the nick.                          
                                                            
45882 NETWORKS - SPAM                Ron Bevitt               



Lets see if I read you aright;                              
My best jokes to you I will write,                          
And then you'll spam me.                                    
You say it's for free,                                      
But I think that you're E-mailing shite.                    
                                                            
45883 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



So here now's an offer for you:                             
I'll cut off your bollocks, all two,                        
Then grind them up coarse,                                  
And serve them with sauce,                                  
To a mini-French Poodle named Lu.                           
                                                            
45884 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



The idiots with SPAM are abusing'                           
A newsgroup I find most amusin'.                            
I'd fill up their shorts                                    
With explosives of sorts,                                   
Then laugh when they blew up in confusion.                  
                                                            
45885 NETWORKS - SPAM                Chas deTampa             



I'm madder than hell's what I am.                           
I'm just looking for someone to slam.                       
My server's alive!                                          
New Posts! I have five!                                     
And three of them are fuckin SPAM.                          
                                                            
45886 NETWORKS - SPAM                MrMalo                   



There's a website they call GeoCity,                        
That thinks pop-up windows are pretty.                      
But to all of their guests,                                 
They are really pests,                                      
So the rest of us think they are shitty.                    
                                                            
45887 NETWORKS - SPAM                Roger Morris             



A nut you are not, just annoying                            
To us limmers intent on enjoying                            
Our own filthy vices.                                       
To you our advice is:                                       
Get useful instead of destroying.                           
                                                            
45888 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



I do not mean to be crude,                                  
Or even try and be lewd,                                    
But when dealing with SPAM,                                 
All I can say is Damn!                                      
Both females and males getting screwed!                     
                                                            
45889 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



Spam is just marketing crap                                 
So purposefully tossed in our lap;                          
Inappropriately posted                                      
So authors are roasted,                                     
Yet rarely come back for the trap.                          
                                                            
45890 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



This place ain't for spamming joke pages                    
And we find your intrusions outrageous.                     
Why do all you spam schmucks                                
Post an old joke that sucks?                                
Dickheadedness must be contagious.                          
                                                            
45891 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



Ain't it strange, there's so many abusing                   
The spammers? Why, some folks are choosing                  
To limit their rights!                                      
(Aligning gun sights                                        
On their gourds could be just as amusing.)                  
                                                            
45892 NETWORKS - SPAM                John Miller 0274         



Many of us are aghast                                       
When we hear "make money fast."                             
Every day we see spam                                       
And know it's a scam.                                       
I'm getting sick of being harassed.                         
                                                            
45893 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



Spam is a general term                                      
For posts as prolific as sperm.                             
The difference, of course,                                  
Between cock and this source,                               
Is the "member" is not quite as firm.                       
                                                            
45894 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's an idea whose time has come;                         
Too bad your mom was too dumb                               
To know of the pill                                         
Or a license to kill,                                       
Before you spammed us, you scum.                            
                                                            
45895 NETWORKS - SPAM                S C Saint                



I once was a devoted Ham                                    
But never keyed like a telegram.                            
My setup was sound,                                         
This is not a put-down,                                     
And we did not condone all the Spam.                        
                                                            
45896 NETWORKS - SPAM                S C Saint                



Earn millions while skiing the slopes;                      
Like you, I once had great hopes                            
Of fooling the masses.                                      
Those ignorant asses                                        
Are too smart for the spammering dopes.                     
                                                            
45897 NETWORKS - SPAM                Hideout                  



If you'd put in lims, you might see                         
An inquiry or two that could be                             
A shekel or quarter                                         
To fun your next porter,                                    
And thankful you'd most likely be.                          
                                                            
45898 NETWORKS - SPAM                Hideout                  



The US, not Brits, devised Spam,                            
The original pork shoulder and ham.                         
To blame the UK                                             
Is like trying to say,                                      
The fault's not the wolf, it's the lamb.                    
                                                            
45899 NETWORKS - SPAM                Steevo                   



Off-topic, inane and obscene,                               
Of intellect seriously lean;                                
A spam is bad meat.                                         
The sender we beat;                                         
They leech on the internet scene.                           
                                                            
45900 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



'Make money' the spammers proclaim,                         
With their pyramid schemes, oh so lame.                     
But this one's a plum,                                      
As dumb as they come;                                       
They can't even write their own name!                       
                                                            
45901 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



Ring-ring -- so I sleepily raise                            
The phone.  "Say, can we double glaze..."                   
The makers of phone ads                                     
Should lose both their gonads,                              
And live on shit all of their days.                         
                                                            
45902 NETWORKS - SPAM                Tiddy Ogg                



A "Soilder" you are, yes indeed!                            
How we wish that the net could be freed                     
From those of your ilk,                                     
Here only to bilk                                           
Us to satisfy your selfish greed                            
                                                            
45903 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



I try to be fair most of the time;                          
I like to encourage a rhyme.                                
But the advertisement joker                                 
Can insert a hot poker                                      
In the place where the sun doesn't shine.                   
                                                            
45904 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm posting for your information                            
And sending it right through the nation                     
Some stuff you must know,                                   
Make your penis grow -                                      
And do it with no inflammation.                             
                                                            
45905 NETWORKS - SPAM                Archie                   



Just click on my link here for free                         
And then send your Visa to me.                              
Then I'll send the junk                                     
(It was made by a monk),                                    
And you'll see it grow inches three.                        
                                                            
45906 NETWORKS - SPAM                Archie                   



Or, if you think that one is dumb                           
My tight teenaged sister has some                           
Pictures she's postered                                     
Nude, on a four postered                                    
Bed, waiting for you to then cum.                           
                                                            
45907 NETWORKS - SPAM                Archie                   



Ahh, not into that, I deduce --                             
An offer you cannot refuse.                                 
Your loan is too big;                                       
I know what to rig -                                        
Your mortgage you know I'll reduce.                         
                                                            
45908 NETWORKS - SPAM                Archie                   



And if you ignore me today,                                 
I'll just send some more on your way.                       
And if you will curse,                                      
It will make it worse.                                      
I'm going to post till you're grey.                         
                                                            
45909 NETWORKS - SPAM                Archie                   



And now I've some hot horny housewives                      
Intent upon sharing their lives.                            
And a really tight teen,                                    
On a gift you'll be keen;                                   
You will love it when it arrives.                           
                                                            
45910 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



I'm offering you some e-cards;                              
They'll stretch out your inbox by yards.                    
And free holidays --                                        
I've thought up new ways                                    
To make it right through your spam-guards.                  
                                                            
45911 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



Here's a Hell I hope spammers endure:                       
Eternally swim in manure,                                   
While bombarded with E-mail                                 
That tells in great detail                                  
Of joys they can never procure.                             
                                                            
45912 NETWORKS - SPAM                John Miller 0019         



The spammers would have us believe                          
That the IRS we can deceive.                                
Only an idiot or fool                                       
Could be so stupid and cruel.                               
There are no millions that you will achieve.                
                                                            
45913 NETWORKS - SPAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's a Hell I hope Spammers endure:                       
Eternally swim in manure,                                   
While bombarded with e-mail                                 
That tells in great detail                                  
Of joys they can never procure.                             
                                                            
45914 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



This pseudo-religious stuff's crass.                        
Go stuff the whole thing up your ass.                       
I'd feel full of glee                                       
If the WTC                                                  
Had contained only spammers, but alas.                      
                                                            
45915 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



And thinking up fates for the spammers                      
(We cannot put them into slammers)                          
Is a joy to us all                                          
As we squash his left ball -                                
With females, we poke in their clammers.                    
                                                            
45916 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



And if you're offended by this,                             
Because we are taking the piss,                             
Then think how upset                                        
We are, when we're met                                      
With prose from a self-righteous miss!                      
                                                            
45917 NETWORKS - SPAM                                         



Oh, dirty purveyor of spam,                                 
Who can open thighs shut like a clam,                       
My PC's awash.                                              
I've got much panache.                                      
And dear, I just don't gve a damn.                          
                                                            
45918 NETWORKS - SPAM                Chris Papa               



He thought that was something to do,                        
And thought ".scr" meant "To Screw".                        
He thought with his dick,                                   
And gave it a click...                                      
Now his system's a virus filled zoo!                        
                                                            
45919 NETWORKS - SPAM                Anon                     



Cams in the cans, all for free?                             
Turds and butt-wipes we will see?                           
I'll wank off my knob --                                    
A cyber-plate job!                                          
I can't wait to watch all those girls pee!                  
(reply to spam about nude coeds -- free!)                   
45920 NETWORKS - SPAM                H WHELCHEL               



Beneath her rough habit in matins,                          
Young Sister Patricia wears satins;                         
And there at the back                                       
Of the church, up her crack                                 
She stuffs candles and cheer-leader batons.                 
                                                            
45921 NUNS - CANDLES                                          



The beads she would have put down,                          
If not in her hole, they were found.                        
Thy're not rosary,                                          
They're Ben-wa, you see;                                    
For Hell she is sure to be bound.                           
                                                            
45922 NUNS - CANDLES                 Laurence E Bernstein     



The nuns of St Agnes bewitch;                               
They're all of a-quiver and twitch.                         
I think they keep rabbits                                   
Up under their habits                                       
Or ferrets, which give them an itch.                        
                                                            
45923 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter Wilkins            



In the fields near the convent they keep                    
A flock of a hundred-odd sheep.                             
The rams though, refuse                                     
Them in favor of ewes,                                      
Although counting them helps them to sleep.                 
                                                            
45924 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter Wilkins            



Their cloisters are home to old Dobbin,                     
Who sets all their pulses a-throbbin';                      
Castrated, poor dear,                                       
Now for many a year,                                        
So he can't get his knob up for knobbin'.                   
                                                            
45925 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter Wilkins            



And Father O'Sullivan's dog                                 
Keeps the nuns of St Agnes agog.                            
At mass they bend over                                      
And pray that young Rover                                   
Might slip them a length of his log.                        
                                                            
45926 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter Wilkins            



The courtyard is home to a bull.                            
They'd love to have fun with his tool;                      
Unfortunately                                               
There's a Convent decree                                    
Which prevents it: St Agnes's Rule.                         
                                                            
45927 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter Wilkins            



So frustrated they tear out their hair,                     
Or strip themselves naked and bare,                         
And quarrel each night                                      
Over who has the right                                      
To the communal dildo they share.                           
                                                            
45928 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter Wilkins            



About nuns reluctance, I differ;                            
At the sight of my pecker, they quivver.                    
This may come as a shock,                                   
But when rubbing my jock,                                   
Under habits, they flow like a river.                       
                                                            
45929 NUNS - CANDLES                 Brian Hendley            



You haven't seen some of those sisters;                     
They've not had their fair share of misters.                
The ones who are tame                                       
Could put you to shame.                                     
Left the convent while nursing some blisters.               
                                                            
45930 NUNS - CANDLES                 Spuddie                  



If Mother Superior catches                                  
You fondling and stroking your snatches                     
With no candle inserted,                                    
She'll think you perverted,                                 
And stop you from having those scratches...                 
                                                            
45931 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter                    



...By tying your wrists to the bed                          
Until ninety Hail Marys have been said;                     
And then giving you ard-                                    
Uous tasks in the gard-                                     
En and feeding you water and bread.                         
                                                            
45932 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter                    



A nun rode a bike now and then                              
With a seat designed for the men.                           
After a bumpy ride                                          
Caused her crotch to GRIDE,                                 
She said, "I'll never come that way again!"                 
                                                            
45933 NUNS - CANDLES                 Norm Brust               



There once was a Mother Superior,                           
Whose organs were mostly inferior.                          
Every morning at matins,                                    
With her hands 'twixt her satins,                           
Did not make her feel any cheerier.                         
                                                            
45934 NUNS - CANDLES                 nstn5291@inforamp.ne     



"Bejabers, dear Father, what's that?"                       
"It's a candle for you, Sister Pat."                        
"Is it warm to the touch?"                                  
"Yes it is; will you clutch                                 
It."  "Oh Father, it's throbbing and ..." SPLAT!            
                                                            
45935 NUNS - CANDLES                 Peter Wilkins            



I had fun with three nuns in my bed,                        
Who insisted on giving me head.                             
I suggested a fuck                                          
In return for the suck,                                     
But they thought it immoral and said:                       
                                                            
45936 NUNS - CANDLES                 PeterW                   



"No fucking and no cunnilingus!                             
Instead we would love you to bring us                       
The pleasures we seek,                                      
Maybe ten times a week,                                     
By using your thumbs and your fingers."                     
                                                            
45937 NUNS - CANDLES                 PeterW                   



There once was a num from Marseille                         
Who used squash in a sexual way.                            
She revealed in confession                                  
Her vegetable session,                                      
And the garden in which she did play.                       
                                                            
45938 NUNS - CANDLES                 Bill Ron                 



The randy nun's clothes were monastic,                      
But her morals were turning elastic.                        
When vibrators ream her,                                    
She'll scream, "Deus ex machiner!                           
This passion is far from scholastic!"                       
                                                            
45939 NUNS - CANDLES                 Bruce Thompson           



Said a godly young novice in Deal,                          
"Though sexual sin isn't real,                              
When Sister Sabina                                          
Dilates my vagina,                                          
I quite like what I fancy I feel."                          
                                                            
45940 NUNS - CANDLES                                    G0443a



Now would it be fair to suppose                             
That during these phallic death throes,                     
The snipping will cease                                     
And give me release.                                        
Should I squeeze the sensitive nose?                        
                                                            
45941 NUNS - CHRISTINA               SFA                      



I heard that Christina was drunk                            
And fell for the charms of a Monk.                          
So eager to please,                                         
She fell to her knees,                                      
And beavered his lusty tree trunk.                          
                                                            
45942 NUNS - CHRISTINA               SFA                      



In front kneels Sis Chris on a hassock,                     
And puts her head under his cassock;                        
Spunk squirts from the pulpit,                              
For Chrissie to gulp it,                                    
(Rev Kees- a disciple of Masoch.)                           
                                                            
45943 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Sis Chris, there be rumours around,                         
You screw without making a sound.                           
And parts that you grasp                                    
For Oxygen gasp;                                            
So maybe you're best gagged and bound.                      
                                                            
45944 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



In Christinas' eyes burns the hope,                         
That one day she'd fondle the Pope.                         
'Til then she'd manhandle                                   
That fourteen inch candle,                                  
A shoehorn and three bars of soap.                          
                                                            
45945 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



My son, you have sinned yet again;                          
Your sentence is clear and so plain.                        
A scrotal removal                                           
Will gain my approval --                                    
Sis Chris will you please cause him pain.                   
                                                            
45946 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Archie                   



Oh yes, we'd like something to maul;                        
It's good that you managed to call.                         
Our convent girl, Chris,                                    
Sure would not want to miss                                 
The chance of a chew of your ball.                          
                                                            
45947 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Jane's eyes opened wide with disgust,                       
As wide as the size of her bust.                            
She cried to the vic:  (vicar)                              
"You can't have his dick,                                   
Sis Chris blew it off in one gust."                         
                                                            
45948 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Lightbulb                



That Kitty's Sis Chris in disguise;                         
She causes male members to rise,                            
Then chomps with her teeth                                  
(Which she keeps underneath),                               
Then laughs at their pain induced cries.                    
                                                            
45949 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



The pain's so exceedingly grim,                             
You'll be forced to submit to her whim;                     
And you won't stand a chance                                
As she buries your lance                                    
In her slimy and festering quim.                            
                                                            
45950 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



My god; she's escaped! On the run!                          
Sister Christina the nun.                                   
If she catches you guys,                                    
You'll have tears in your eyes,                             
As she squeezes your bollocks for fun.                      
                                                            
45951 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



I'm Sister Christina, the nun,                              
And I need some sexual fun.                                 
Which of you lackeys                                        
Will be my snackies?                                        
You can't hide so don't try to run!                         
                                                            
45952 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



The Convent of Wet's now pristina;                          
It looks like the Chapel Cistena.                           
The walls have been washed,                                 
Where so many were squashed,                                
By the were-nun named Sister Christina.                     
                                                            
45953 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Archie                   



Oh, Sister Christina, the doubt                             
You've cast on my lie is about                              
The worst .. so uncouth!                                    
If you want the truth,                                      
Come turn me, m'dear, inside out.                           
                                                            
45954 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Oh, hell! how I rue to remember                             
That bad prehistoric September,                             
When we ran to miss                                         
The club of Sis Chris,                                      
But she was too fast with her timber!                       
                                                            
45955 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Well Mister, I will tell you this:                          
No man has yet humbled Sis Chris.                           
You'll hear her teeth gnash                                 
When nearing her gash,                                      
Before feeling her deadliest kiss.                          
                                                            
45956 NUNS - CHRISTINA               SFA                      



The nuns, for the first time in years,                      
Charged dildos in bulk down at Sears;                       
They've failed to make payment,                             
So under their raiment                                      
Those dildos are now in 'arrears!'                          
                                                            
45957 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Travis Brasell           



There once was a bloke that was after                       
That sister so luscious, but dafter                         
Than a bag full of doorknobs,                               
Since she gathers galore knobs                              
And all of them hung from a rafter.                         
                                                            
45958 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Archie                   



I've studied the rhyming of Ericka                          
And noted her scansions are very Ca-                        
Nuck in their style,                                        
And lacking the guile                                       
Of Sis Chris, who IS esoterica.                             
                                                            
45959 NUNS - CHRISTINA               SFA                      



We nuns at Our Lady of 'Wet                                 
Are virginal, please don't forget!                          
Hope you don't pull your groin                              
When you come to join                                       
"Exercise with Sis Chris" dot net.                          
                                                            
45960 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



"Please don't speak ill of the sainted,                     
Their pious traits cannot be tainted.",                     
Said Sister Christina,                                      
Stirring the farina,                                        
And farting so loud that I fainted.                         
                                                            
45961 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Come Liz, feel this frog in my pocket;                      
I'm sure it will fit in your socket.                        
That's if I can miss                                        
The kiss of Sis Chris,                                      
For that lady surely will dock it.                          
                                                            
45962 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



When Sister Christina goes "Crunch!"                        
She's merely partaking of brunch.                           
It's when she starts gnashin'                               
Her molars with passion,                                    
You fear for your bollocks and trunch...                    
                                                            
45963 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



She sings in the fog on the swamp,                          
"Now come to me, Cajuns, let's romp!"                       
Then oh-me-oh-my-oh                                         
Far back in the bayou,                                      
Sis Chris, that old 'gator, goes "chomp."                   
                                                            
45964 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Travis Brasell           



I'd drather drink three day old piss,                       
Or give a hyena a kiss,                                     
Or sniff at some mace                                       
Before I would face,                                        
The thought of a hormonal Chris.                            
                                                            
45965 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Archie                   



The girls of St. Ag are okay                                
For occasional rolls in the hay.                            
But it's a sure bet                                         
That Perpetual Wet                                          
Nuns verily know how to prey.                               
                                                            
45966 NUNS - CHRISTINA               H Whelchel               



Gor blimey; what 'orrible shockers.                         
I must take me beta-thing blockers.                         
Me 'eart's gone skew-whiff                                  
As would anyone's if                                        
They'd seen Sister Christina's 'uge knockers.               
                                                            
45967 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Now that was a meal and a half.                             
I thought 'twas a bloody giraffe!                           
It seemed his extendin'                                     
Would be never-endin'.                                      
Turns out he was hung to the calf.                          
                                                            
45968 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Anon                     



On Travis's stalk did you snack?                            
More filling than any Big Mac.                              
When you bite and de-male,                                  
Like a lizard's long tail,                                  
Instead of a stump, it grows back!                          
                                                            
45969 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Randog                   



And there's Sister Christina the nun                        
Of Perpetual Wetness; the one                               
Who just can't get enough                                   
Of muff diving and stuff,                                   
And employs Irish Wolfhounds for fun.                       
                                                            
45970 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



I know that you have in your midst,                         
A sister, though she's often pissed.                        
So hark to Christina,                                       
Your sins she will clean a-                                 
Way, for the Pope's ring she's kissed.                      
                                                            
45971 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Maude                    



Sis Chris, sadly never quite sated,                         
Feared her rack was not equally weighted.                   
She looked inside her dress,                                
And remarked with distress,                                 
"Oh dammit, my left tit 's deflated."                       
                                                            
45972 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Sis Chris, she is like a fine wine;                         
The fruit of the vine on the Rhine.                         
She's oft made by monks,                                    
Take her out -- get her drunk,                              
And she leaves a sore "head" every time.                    
                                                            
45973 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Tiddy Ogg                



Sis Chris has the wherefore and why                         
When chewing poor percy goodbye;                            
Canadian beef                                               
Is tainted.  In brief,                                      
She's crazy though this she'll deny.                        
                                                            
45974 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Randog                   



Well, isn't it sad about Clary                              
Whose versifications would vary.                            
But ever since Sister                                       
Chris changed him from 'Mister',                            
To 'Miss' with her fangs, Hugh writes nary.                 
                                                            
45975 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



The sight of a knob-end that's flashin'                     
Is Sister Christina's great passion.                        
She blows on a whistle,                                     
Takes aim like a missle,                                    
And charges with molars a gnashin'.                         
                                                            
45976 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Peter Wilkins            



If you want some nuns to bewitch;                           
To scratch that insatiable itch,                            
With animal lust                                            
And a generous bust,                                        
You need a Perpetual bitch.                                 
                                                            
45977 NUNS - CHRISTINA               H Whelchel               



It seems the approach of mid-summer                         
Makes writers of limericks dumber.                          
And the evil Sis Chris                                      
Reverts to plain Miss,                                      
While looking to find a new plumber.                        
                                                            
45978 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



I once took Sis Chris on a date                             
And my tool met that same awful fate.                       
And the only high note?                                     
Sis Chris can't deep throat --                              
Which means inchwise, I'm left with just eight.             
                                                            
45979 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Randog                   



Iranians follow Imans                                       
And never caress their own glans.                           
The hands that do that,                                     
Sis Chrissy won't pat,                                      
For they're always some other man's.                        
                                                            
45980 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Archie                   



With Sister Christina I'm smitten;                          
So always on her I am hittin'.                              
But if you are chaste,                                      
There's no time to waste;                                   
My lap is right here for the sittin'.                       
                                                            
45981 NUNS - CHRISTINA               SFA                      



Sis Chris will let anyone in,                               
To practice a cardinal sin.                                 
Of course, there's a snag,                                  
When you've screwed the old hag,                            
You'll not find your todger again.                          
                                                            
45982 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Tiddy Ogg                



The same was said of young Eva Braun;                       
The rumors were flying around.                              
But it just wasn't true                                     
That if she screwed you,                                    
In a VD clinic you would be found.                          
                                                            
45983 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Ian Mocker               



Now Tiddy, be nice to my guest!                             
I'm not an old hag, you repressed                           
Perverted sheep shagger!                                    
No Ian, don't stagger.                                      
Come closer. We'll get you undressed.                       
                                                            
45984 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Sis Chris                



I'm not sure I like this nun's ploy;                        
She hugs me and call me her joy.                            
So I'll keep on my suit                                     
And me overcoat to boot,                                    
For I'm just a simple country boy.                          
                                                            
45985 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Ian Mocker               



Sis Chris, seems that you're not so shrewd;                 
There's one who's managed to elude,                         
Your cunt full of claws,                                    
And your vise-like jaws;                                    
Peter's three meters you've not chewed.                     
                                                            
45986 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



A lesson for those who are wary                             
About Sister Chris' contrary                                
Comportment in beds:                                        
It's not tails, but heads.                                  
Don't believe it?  Just ask Hugh Clary.                     
                                                            
45987 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Anon                     



Ahh bless you, my son, you're confused.                     
It ain't this wild Nun who gets used.                       
Step up on my altar,                                        
Uncover yer Psalter,                                        
Prepare to be obscenely abused.                             
                                                            
45988 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Anon                     



It's nearly the month of December;                          
The fire is now down to an ember.                           
Sis Chris is now looking                                    
For wild rampant fooking,                                   
With someone whom she can dismember!                        
                                                            
45989 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Anon                     



I know a nice little trick;                                 
We'll cut off what's left of your prick.                    
When dear Sister Chris                                      
Gives it a kiss,                                            
And right down your throat it will stick.                   
                                                            
45990 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Perth's winter is sunny and dry,                            
And here our Sis Chrissy may try                            
To play with me more;                                       
Again leave me sore.                                        
So from here I quickly will fly.                            
                                                            
45991 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Archie                   



That Ericka gal is a bore;                                  
So stick with me, Honey, I'm more                           
Of a girl with a hole-                                      
Y missionary role,                                          
To make sure you limerick guys score.                       
                                                            
45992 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Sister Christina         



I hope that you'll not find this odd,                       
But Sister Christina will prod                              
My dick while she kneels                                    
And feels and then squeals                                  
This worshipful prayer:  "Oh, my god!"                      
                                                            
45993 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Travis Brasell           



Though the priests in Christina's last cloister             
Admitted her muff was much moister                          
Than most that they dated,                                  
Everyone of them hated                                      
That his pearls were purloined by her oyster.               
                                                            
45994 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Hugh Clary               



I shrank from that vast tooth-filled crack,                 
And leapt on a big camel's back,                            
And drove that poor beast                                   
Through the whole middle-east;                              
Didn't stop till we got to Iraq.                            
                                                            
45995 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



The philosopher, Gerry Gardena,                             
Asked a patron at Schlock's new arena,                      
If Marx he had read,                                        
And was answered, "I bled                                   
From the snatch of that Sister Christina!"                  
                                                            
45996 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



"Read Marx?"  Why, of course, he's red marks                
From scratches and burns caused by sparks,                  
When Sister Christina                                       
Chomped his teensy weena,                                   
To shreds with her fangs, long as sharks!                   
                                                            
45997 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



As the flow of her menses demanded,                         
Sis Chris to her room was remanded.                         
But her character, sainted,                                 
Was found to be tainted,                                    
When the Prioress caught her red-handed.                    
                                                            
45998 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Hugh Clary               



While Sister Christina is hiding,                           
My time I am fruitfully biding,                             
Perfecting  my  knack,                                      
So when she comes back,                                     
Her Ass into hell I'll be riding.                           
                                                            
45999 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Anon                     



A visit from you is just bliss;                             
So, what could be nicer than this?                          
Well, Lass, I'll speak true;                                
I really do rue                                             
The absence of our favorite Sis.                            
                                                            
46000 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Run! Hide!, you guys only postpone;                         
Sis Chris will come back in the zone.                       
If she gives me a shout                                     
I'll be there to help out,                                  
To delight in these dickies debone.                         
                                                            
46001 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



I remember Christina before                                 
She learned how to make a man sore.                         
And she frankly admitted,                                   
When properly fitted,                                       
A knob was a thing to adore.                                
                                                            
46002 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Oh Sister Christina have mercy!                             
Please give my dear bollocks to nursey;                     
She'll sew them back on                                     
Me and when she has gone,                                   
You can do what you like with my percy.                     
                                                            
46003 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



I'm Sister Christina.  I cry                                
When I read every word of this lie.                         
I'm gentle and pure                                         
And quite insecure                                          
And holy and humble and shy...                              
                                                            
46004 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



"Isabetta, you insolent pimple,                             
You've been caught, so your guilt is most simple.           
And you'll get a sound beating                              
If you keep up this bleating                                
Concerning the state of my wimple."                         
                                                            
46005 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



That Sister Christina's here soon;                          
Don't just stand there, Jeeves, fetch the harpoon.          
What, you've lost it? You blithering                        
Fool; stop your dithering;                                  
Catch me I'm going to swoooooo ....                         
                                                            
46006 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Well, shiver me timbers, eh what?                           
It's that Sister Christina's foul twat.                     
I can tell 'cause the fish                                  
Have jumped out of this dish,                               
And are swimmin' away from my yacht.                        
                                                            
46007 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



With tits flopping wildly about                             
And a face like an ugly old trout,                          
An insatiable lust 'n'                                      
A cunt quite disgustin',                                    
It's Sister Christina; she's out!                           
                                                            
46008 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



An unwary nun named Christine                               
Walked into the Chapel Sistine                              
And there had a shenanigan                                  
With His Eminence, Brannigan;                               
Now Christine is no longer pristine.                        
                                                            
46009 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Albin Chaplin   3024-0996



Recalling Christina Dentata                                 
(I shouldn't make fun, but I gotta);                        
Her speech was laconic,                                     
Her smile was sardonic,                                     
And was cursed with a sort of stigmata:                     
                                                            
46010 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Sis Chris, thank the lord, ain't on board                   
Or else she'd have ravaged my sword.                        
The teeth in her cleft                                      
Would've left me bereft                                     
And my mast comprehensively gnawed.                         
                                                            
46011 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Not Sister Christina my friend! A                           
A most gruesome old bat; she's horrend-                     
Ously rough for a boff.                                     
I'd be much better off                                      
If I stuck my poor dick in blender!                         
                                                            
46012 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



I travelled south west of Messina,                          
We thought we had trapped a hyena,                          
But cheers of surprise                                      
Turned to blood-curdling cries                              
Of fear... it was Sister Christina.                         
                                                            
46013 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



The constable, while at a luncheon,                         
Heard something that sounded like crunchin'                 
Of bone, and when he                                        
Looked down, he could see                                   
Sis Chris with her twat 'round his truncheon.               
                                                            
46014 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Travis Brasell           



I'm here on my knees Sister Chris,                          
With my head up your habit, like this.                      
I shall bury my face                                        
In your virginal place                                      
And I'll suck you to heavenly bliss.                        
                                                            
46015 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



When catching one's dong in one's zipper,                   
One must keep a stiff upper lipper.                         
Pretend naught's amiss!                                     
Watch out for Sis Chris,                                    
And her hideous vaginal snipper.                            
                                                            
46016 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Ericka                   



Pope Archie, If I catch your ass,                           
Armageddon will soon come to pass.                          
Those parts you adore                                       
Will be mine evermore.                                      
I patiently await your Mass.                                
                                                            
46017 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Sis Chris                



I'm SisChris, a nun on the hunt.                            
I've seen each and every last stunt.                        
But this time, my goose,                                    
There'll be no vamoose!                                     
Which one of you shall I confront?                          
                                                            
46018 NUNS - CHRISTINA                                        



Sis Chris is now with Inquisition,                          
And useful for their imposition.                            
She quickly becamber                                        
A Star in their Chamber,                                    
At finding those preaching sedition.                        
                                                            
46019 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Archie                   



Sweet Sister Christina has e'er                             
Been around having fun, be aware.                           
Even eons ago,                                              
If us guys were too slow,                                   
She'd be dragging us back to her lair.                      
                                                            
46020 NUNS - CHRISTINA               Peter Wilkins            



Ain't none of us guys, 'Mr Clean,'                          
So, not even some old Listerine                             
Would help any mouth                                        
That's been planted south                                   
On parts of Saint Sister Christine.                         
                                                            
46021 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



If your mouth has been down that far,                       
Then, Honey, you must look bizarre;                         
Once her pussy lips                                         
Get you in their grips,                                     
There ain't nothing left but a scar!                        
                                                            
46022 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Carol                    



I'm scarred, Dear, but now I'm appealing                    
To Sister Christina for healing;                            
So, therefore, tonight                                      
She'll make me look right                                   
When I'm down in front of her, kneeling.                    
                                                            
46023 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



Good news!  I have found you a spare!                       
We've cornered a spammer.  Prepare                          
For a transplanted dong!                                    
If I don't do it wrong,                                     
You'll soon have a four-incher down there!                  
                                                            
46024 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Carol                    



Be merciful, Sister, and riddle me                          
With bullets or stab me or spittle me;                      
To transplant my dong                                       
With one four inches long                                   
Would sadly short-change and belittle me!                   
                                                            
46025 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



Just out from the convent among us,                         
It's Sister Christina. Humungous                            
Just isn't the word                                         
For her size; she's absurd-                                 
ly grotesque in that wig and face fungus.                   
                                                            
46026 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



She's rampaging all over town                               
In her wimple and vestments of brown.                       
And she's looking for fun                                   
With a gentleman; one                                       
Who won't mind if she looks like a clown.                   
                                                            
46027 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Now some of you just may remember,                          
The funs with those nuns in November.                       
Well, Sister Christina's                                    
New mission is "Penis                                       
For All" having once felt a member.                         
                                                            
46028 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



For years she had used a courgette  (bail basket)           
Or a marrow or corn cob and yet                             
At the first taste of dick,                                 
She came hot, wet, and quick;                               
An experience she cannot forget.                            
                                                            
46029 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



I'm Sister Christina, a nun,                                
Just looking for some carnal fun!                           
I need me some meat                                         
To screw or to eat --                                       
And nobody's safe 'til I'm done!                            
                                                            
46030 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Chris                    



Where is that old Archie I met                              
At the Convent of Perpetually Wet?                          
I was ready to bite                                         
When the bugger took flight.                                
He's around here somewhere, I'll bet!                       
                                                            
46031 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Chris                    



I've heard about "H" and his load;                          
He carries a big nun-sized choad!                           
I've heard he gets suuggly                                  
With dames that are ugly,                                   
As long as they eat 'a la mode'!                            
                                                            
46032 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



I'm looking for the sex athlete                             
Who goes by the name of Pete.                               
If I catch him, I'll do                                     
What I've wanted to,                                        
Till there's nothing left but mince-meat.                   
                                                            
46033 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Chris                    



Christina, you ugly old nun,                                
Now you've asked for it. Fondle my gun.                     
Though you're built like a barge,                           
I'm enormously large;                                       
You'll regret that you went on the run.                     
                                                            
46034 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Okay. You can swivel just here                              
On my hugely inflatable spear.                              
Well there's no need to frown                               
As you bounce up and down.                                  
I can screw you until the New Year.                         
                                                            
46035 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Your quivering shuddering thighs                            
And your moaning and groaning and sighs,                    
As I make my first lunge                                    
And repeatedly plunge,                                      
Drives you mad with desire, I surmise.                      
                                                            
46036 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



You cannot disguise your emotion;                           
A throbbing pulsating commotion.                            
You're putty, my dear,                                      
As you ride on my spear                                     
With a clenchingly up and down motion.                      
                                                            
46037 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Oh Fuck! She's as ugly as had-                              
dock and built like a tanker. She's bad.                    
Well I warned all you guys                                  
Of her nutcracker thighs;                                   
Now she's roaringly rampaging mad.                          
                                                            
46038 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



She'll sniff out your dick at ten paces                     
And gird up her loins and give chase,                       
At the speed of a bullet                                    
And catch you and pull it                                   
To pieces and sit on your face.                             
                                                            
46039 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Oh God! What a horrible thought,                            
To be mince-meat in seconds.  I ought                       
To find somewhere to hide;                                  
Archie, H: move aside;                                      
I, for one, do not wish to be caught.                       
                                                            
46040 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



But Hey! I've just thought! She's enorm-                    
ous and rampaging 'round like a storm.                      
We should hear the thud, thud                               
Of her feet in the mud,                                     
So we'll know when she's getting too warm.                  
                                                            
46041 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Yes, I'm out hunting for meat!                              
But I've always been light on my feet!                      
I'll sneak up behind you                                    
And grab you and grind you                                  
Before you even know it, my sweet!                          
                                                            
46042 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Chris                    



Don't bother to hide in the closet!                         
You know that once in my jaws, it                           
Will snap like a little                                     
Piece of peanut brittle!                                    
I know pain and just how to cause it.                       
                                                            
46043 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Chris                    



There's no place for you to be hidden,                      
When I am looking to be ridden!                             
I'll search you out, Peter!                                 
And get to your meat or                                     
I'll hurt you.  You know I'm not kiddin'!                   
                                                            
46044 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Chris                    



Over here, little Chrissy, my sweet!                        
I've got a fine funk on my meat!                            
Ain't cleaned it in months --                               
It smell of twelve cunts                                    
And spittle and spoo and mesquite.                          
                                                            
46045 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      H Welchel                



It needs a good kissing again;                              
Or maybe a sisterly train.                                  
I'll keep it rock-firm                                      
As Perp Wets all squirm,                                    
And you'll lick up the goo and the stain.                   
                                                            
46046 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      H Welchel                



Guess Pete didn't need the distraction;                     
He's giving Sis Christine the action.                       
That bum would fuck shit,                                   
If it had one tit                                           
And two nanoNewtons of traction.                            
                                                            
46047 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      H Welchel                



What a lovely day, it was great;                            
Now it's getting dark and quite late.                       
There's a storm blowing.                                    
We must get going,                                          
Where's that driver?  He said he would wait?                
                                                            
46048 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



"That's him over there," I mumbled,                         
As he swaggered over then stumbled,                         
All over his feet,                                          
Fell into the seat,                                         
"Just a few nips, miss," he grumbled.                       
                                                            
46049 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



You know what they always say,                              
About the horse knowing his way.                            
I hope they're right,                                       
Cause this driver's tight,                                  
With the drink he hid in the sleigh.                        
                                                            
46050 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



That quick we were off in a flash,                          
My God, I think I have whip lash!                           
We bounced up and down,                                     
Were bumped all around,                                     
Screamed, "Look out for that tree!," Crash!                 
                                                            
46051 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



Well just when I thought I was caught                       
Sis Chris has cleaned up her twat                           
Gave up her claws                                           
And her habit because                                       
St. Peter a lesson has taught                               
                                                            
46052 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



Now this beautiful princess appears                         
Former Sis Chris has really changed gears                   
I'm starting to think                                       
I should buy her a drink                                    
But, wait... what about all the tears                       
                                                            
46053 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



Cried by those who have run                                 
Afraid of the wrath of the nun                              
Who just days ago                                           
Was letting us know                                         
She thinks nuts in a vice is good fun...                    
                                                            
46054 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



I am wondering if I can trust                               
This new beauty inspiring lust                              
Or if its a trap                                            
That's gone in a snap                                       
And will end after both my balls bust...                    
                                                            
46055 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



Well, now I'm taking a chance                               
But, may I please have this dance                           
If your schedule is open,                                   
I'm gullibly hopin'                                         
To ring in the new year with romance...                     
                                                            
46056 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



Sis Chris has just changed her way;                         
For her sins, she does not want to pay.                     
Though I thought I was caught                               
It appears I am not;                                        
From the nun, I got away!                                   
                                                            
46057 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



These rough nuns play my favorite sport;                    
What you thought you saw's mere petit mort;                 
While I howled like a hound,                                
'Twas a splendid first round;                               
And by golly, I squirted a quart!                           
                                                            
46058 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Allen Wolverton          



I've revived, Sister Chris, I declare;                      
Once again, I am loaded for bear!                           
Now I'm lifting your habit;                                 
What ho, Chris, dag nabbit!                                 
Down there is a bushel of hair!                             
                                                            
46059 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Allen Wolverton          



I still find, love, your funnel of joy;                     
You discover my rod is no toy;                              
You have now met your match,                                
As I rummage your snatch;                                   
As you're wrapped 'round this here good old boy!            
                                                            
46060 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Now we've thrashed 'round for hours and hours;              
Wildly tearing up trees, shrubs and flowers;                
The young nuns, standing back,                              
Watch us jerk, roll and whack;                              
While the Mother Superior glowers!                          
                                                            
46061 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Now our mind-blowing session is past;                       
So they thought that I never would last?                    
The full moon's shining down                                
On her satisfied crown;                                     
And Christina's at last candy-assed!                        
                                                            
46062 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Then I heard a noise, like bumping.                         
Arose to find two women humping;                            
Slid in the middle,                                         
Out came my diddle,                                         
Their tonsils then started pumping.                         
                                                            
46063 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



I thought from her clutches I'd slipped,                    
But those sharp pussy teeth, first they nipped,             
Then sounds of flesh rending,                               
And pain never-ending,                                      
As off my crown jewels she ripped.                          
                                                            
46064 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES                               



Now Brother, you would not believe                          
The hours I work sans reprieve                              
Soliciting suckers,                                         
Male shoppers and truckers;                                 
Those dupes I am forced to deceive.                         
                                                            
46065 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



For Supermom makes me collect (Mother Superior)             
On behalf of our reverend sect.                             
I'm begging for money                                       
In rainy or sunny...                                        
(What I really want's long and erect!)                      
                                                            
46066 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



"Please donate and fill up the coffers                      
At our lady of Elephant-boffers.                            
Your charitable gift                                        
Will give us a lift."                                       
But nine out of ten men are scoffers.                       
                                                            
46067 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



I know I could earn confirmation                            
If long dongs were my motivation!                           
It would make my day                                        
And prompt me to say,                                       
"Why thank you for your kind donation."                     
                                                            
46068 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



I fancied the old rural life                                
But all I encountered was strife.                           
I weren't long in the village                               
When there was a spillage,                                  
When SFA's back hit a knife.                                
                                                            
46069 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      SFA                      



And what was the reason for this?                           
I happened to mention Sis Chris...                          
And caused an uproar                                        
I'd not seen before,                                        
Which scattered the pastoral bliss.                         
                                                            
46070 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      SFA                      



Deciding if this was the case,                              
I won't be seen dead in that place.                         
So now I am back                                            
Here where each attack                                      
Is done right in front of my face.                          
                                                            
46071 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      SFA                      



Of Sis Chris I'd just like to say                           
Be careful where you go to stay.                            
Don't mention her name                                      
Or you they will blame                                      
For causing bloodshed and dismay.                           
                                                            
46072 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      SFA                      



What's this?  Has there been a fight?                       
What happened?  Who's wrong and who's right?                
Tell me the story                                           
And then im my glory,                                       
Expose my nice boobies I might.                             
                                                            
46073 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Michelle                 



It's true what you say, no one's won                        
And everyone's under the gun.                               
There's plenty are pouting,                                 
And some are back-outing,                                   
And of Sis Chris, we ain't getting nun.                     
                                                            
46074 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Anon                     



My back, it is now on the mend;                             
I'm back here where I can depend                            
On this limerick crew                                       
To be straight and true,                                    
And never to savage a friend.                               
                                                            
46075 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Anon                     



My dear Mr S, F, and A:                                     
My ass ain't for rental, no way.                            
No riding.  No showing.                                     
Now I must be going                                         
And feed my ass, Dobbin, some hay.                          
                                                            
46076 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Sis Chris                



Now Sister, you're being uncool                             
To treat SFA like a fool.                                   
My purpose, dear Lass,                                      
Is nailing your ass                                         
And not to be dobbin' your mule.                            
                                                            
46077 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      SFA                      



I suppose if you wanted a job,                              
You could be a stand-in for Dob.                            
Are you strong and, perforce,                               
Are you hung like a horse?                                  
You are?  Oh be still my heart-throb!                       
                                                            
46078 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      SFA                      



Sweet Sister, I really don't care                           
To feature in some pious fare.                              
If nailing that ass                                         
Is somewhat low-class,                                      
Perhaps I'll be serving your mare.                          
                                                            
46079 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      SFA                      



Though to party with Sister's the pits,                     
When drunk I was one of them twits                          
Who took a last belt                                        
And succumbed when he felt                                  
Optimistic, the booze and her tits.                         
                                                            
46080 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Hugh Clary               



Now what's left of my pork is a pittance;                   
No more will I move for admittance                          
Into Chris's crass crater,                                  
Since the last time I bade her                              
Goodbye and good luck and good riddance.                    
                                                            
46081 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Hugh Clary               



Ten pints and Chris looks altogether                        
Too cute for my passion to tether.                          
Quite woozy, I wonder                                       
Which one I was under:                                      
The influence, her spell or the weather.                    
                                                            
46082 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Randog                   



"It's heaven or I'm totally daft,"                          
I thought as astride me, Chris laughed.                     
"Quite soon you'll be musing                                
'Bout whether your losing                                   
Your sanity, virtue, or shaft.                              
                                                            
46083 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Randog                   



The boombox was blaring Tejano.                             
Her flesh had the taste of poblano.                         
A nip -- my cock's stinging.                                
Will I soon be singing                                      
Her praises, the blues, or soprano?                         
                                                            
46084 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Randog                   



A bite followed nip; now it's gone.                         
Like Bobbitt, I've not any brawn.                           
I hope I'll discover                                        
A way to recover                                            
My settlement, pride and baton.                             
                                                            
46085 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Randog                   



I hope that was just a nightmare,                           
That you were nowhere near her lair.                        
Once you've had a kiss                                      
From lustful Sis Chris,                                     
All I can do is say a prayer.                               
                                                            
46086 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Carol                    



'Twixt a rock and a hardplace I'd be --                     
'Tween the lines, that denotes amputee.                     
'Twixt her legs 'tween the sheets                           
My knick-knack she mistreats                                
All because I neglected to flee.                            
                                                            
46087 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES      Randog                   



If "Bite my schlong"'s heard in the abbey,                  
Christina will purr like a tabby.                           
Her face 'tween your thighs,                                
She'll pilfer your prize,                                   
The nub of which will be quite scabby.                      
                                                            
46088 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Randog                   



If schlong-head's her next Pascal Lamb,                     
He'll nevermore vex us with spam.                           
Her Passover feast                                          
Will render this beast                                      
A piggy without any ham.                                    
                                                            
46089 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Randog                   



Already I see 'tis the morrah                               
And visions of Sister Deborrah                              
Have gone without trace;                                    
But instead in their place                                  
Is this vision of absolute horrah.                          
                                                            
46090 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2                            



It's Sister Christina, bejabers,                            
Intent on performing her labours.                           
Like Hercules (whom                                         
She resembles). Oh doom;                                    
Now she's practising chewing up cabers.                     
                                                            
46091 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2                            



Why now, my sweet doll, let's not fight.                    
Why not come and visit tonight?                             
Right here in my cell,                                      
We'll go at it like hell.                                   
I promise I won't take a bite.                              
                                                            
46092 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Tiddy Ogg                



Because of Sis Chris's attraction,                          
I'd like to get in on the action;                           
But first I need proof,                                     
So I will not goof,                                         
That she's had a masher extraction.                         
                                                            
46093 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Travis Brasell           



They warned me her glands were like Jaws;                   
Knew something was fishy, because                           
We started to snog,                                         
Then I noticed her dog                                      
Was running around without paws.                            
                                                            
46094 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Cubmeister               



Just call me your man on a mission                          
To make you my latest addition.                             
When you hear "Knock knock!"                                
There under your frock,                                     
You'll know who is seeking admission.                       
                                                            
46095 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   SFA                      



I think your perspective is skewed.                         
"Addition" ain't in my book, Dude.                          
I only deduct;                                              
You could say you're fucked.                                
But for sure you ain't geting screwed.                      
                                                            
46096 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Sis Chris                



A naughty old nun was Christina;                            
Her habits were less than pristina.                         
She pulled at the peter                                     
Of the Pope on his seater,                                  
In front of the chapel Sistina.                             
                                                            
46097 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Archie                   



I recall we were properly frocked,                          
As we sat on the steps and we talked.                       
"Didn't think it would hurt                                 
To peek under your skirt --                                 
Now it's my fault, you went off half-cocked!"               
                                                            
46098 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Archie                   



Sis Chris as a Sunday school teacher?                       
Her lessons there, no doubt will feature                    
A brief introduction                                        
To fool-proof seduction,                                    
With practical help from the preacher.                      
                                                            
46099 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2   Tiddy Ogg                



I believe in a "hands-on" type school,                      
One that uses the golden rule,                              
Seminal baptism,                                            
And my catty-kiss-'em,                                      
And other religious-type tools.                             
                                                            
46100 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  2                            



All gents going to Soggy Hollow,                            
Beware!  Sister Chris will soon follow;                     
She'll make it her biz                                      
To suck out the jizz,                                       
Then gulp down your schlong in one swallow!                 
                                                            
46101 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Travis                   



Now, you may be mistaken, old son.                          
She's not the "Hot dog" kind of nun.                        
Six or fourteener,                                          
I just want the weiner.                                     
I've no use for fixin's or bun.                             
                                                            
46102 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Travis Brasell           



Since orders for you come from higher                       
Authorities, and you're no liar,                            
I won't change my game,                                     
But I'll change my name;                                    
Just call me, dear Sis, 'Oscar Meyer'!                      
                                                            
46103 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Travis Brasell           



Sis Chris, you heard of "Black Widows",                     
The spiders that live in the meadows.                       
The male ends up dead;                                      
She bites off his head                                      
After sexin' and shaggin' in shadows.                       
                                                            
46104 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



Now Chrissie, you're very similar;                          
The things that you do sound familiar.                      
Like "Black Widow's" bite,                                  
You chomp with delight,                                     
But the head that you bite will now kill-yer.               
                                                            
46105 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



The thing is, you don't seem to know                        
How poisonous just is my John Doe.                          
One bite of my willy,                                       
Or Archie's dear Billy                                      
Will end your short life as a ho.                           
                                                            
46106 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



My memory is but a haze,                                    
Of the time that I indolently laze;                         
Then I woke with a scream,                                  
As C, broad in the beam,                                    
Leapt on me like somebody crazed.                           
                                                            
46107 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



She fought like a tigress, but stunk,                       
Like a dead putrefying old skunk,                           
And she bounced on my balls,                                
Ignoring my calls,                                          
Till she'd drained me of all of my spunk.                   
                                                            
46108 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



She'll have either sex, so beware,                          
In case she might head over there.                          
She once boffed von Trapp,                                  
And gave him the clap,                                      
And all of the kids in her care.                            
                                                            
46109 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



To mention my name is a sin,                                
In the places that you wander in.                           
No doubt they're fearing                                    
What I find endearing;                                      
To eat for my unholy din.  (ner)                            
                                                            
46110 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Sister Christina         



It's long been my habit to say                              
And do things that lead me astray.                          
Dissent?  I don't love it --                                
Try to rise above it.                                       
And hope you will rise the same way.                        
                                                            
46111 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Sister Christina         



So bless you, my son.  Let me take                          
Your clothes off and see what's at steak.                   
Your meat and two veg                                       
Will thrive, I allege,                                      
Right here at my private clambake.                          
                                                            
46112 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Sister Christina         



Sis Chris is the best one to drill;                         
At drilling she really is brill.                            
And it's fun to milk                                        
Her breasts, soft as silk                                   
While grinding away in her mill.                            
                                                            
46113 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Archie                   



Avoiding her cunical bites                                  
While raising her up to the heights                         
Is the skill that you need                                  
While spurting your seed,                                   
Or else there'll be no more delights.                       
                                                            
46114 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Archie                   



That's me -- I'm the ultimate thrill.                       
I work with the utmost of skill.                            
My scruples are known                                       
To many a bone-                                             
Head, most of whom run willy nil.                           
                                                            
46115 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Archie                   



These robes?  A removable feast                             
That cover a ravening beast,                                
Who will strip you quite bare                               
And poke you just there,                                    
As long as you're not full of yeast.                        
                                                            
46116 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



Oh, sorry -- I've made a mistake;                           
Sis Chris I thought you're a fake.                          
But you're really you,                                      
So "How do you do?"                                         
And would you jump out of this cake?                        
                                                            
46117 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



It's for all the Boston padres,                             
Who think about boys for a raise.                           
So the sight of your snatch                                 
Will make the whole batch                                   
Agibber and quickly go craze.                               
                                                            
46118 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3                            



Well I'm a bit pissed off, dagnabit!                        
The reason why, though, I won't blab it.                    
I had hoped that often                                      
I'd get some Chris boffin',                                 
I'd like to get into that habit.                            
                                                            
46119 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Cyber Wizard             



I say, old chap, that's just not done!                      
The mating of wizard and nun.                               
But after prayer session,                                   
I'll take your confession                                   
And polish your wand for you, hon.                          
                                                            
46120 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Sister Christina         



Is that word from above, or just guessing?                  
With the Big Guy will you be messing?                       
I've naught to confess                                      
Until and unless                                            
I am to receive your pink blessing!                         
                                                            
46121 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Cyber Wizard             



Is it save to now poke out my neck?                         
I saw that Sis Chris up on deck.                            
I sadly remember                                            
Just what she'll dismenmber --                              
When she leaves, I'm just an old wreck                      
                                                            
46122 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Archie                   



Oh Popey, you're never a wreck!                             
Them robes ain't half sexy, by heck!                        
And they hide what's beneath --                             
All those scars from my teeth!                              
(The only thing stiff is your neck!)                        
                                                            
46123 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Anon                     



Perpetual wet is enough                                     
To tempt an old Pope seeking muff.                          
But teeth hidden there                                      
When I shaved it bare,                                      
Were cruel and unnaturally rough!                           
                                                            
46124 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Archie                   



Now, do not be fooled by this sight;                        
Sis Chris wants you less than a night.                      
You will not survive                                        
Nor escape alive --                                         
So maybe you just should take flight!                       
                                                            
46125 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Archie                   



Sis Chris is a nympho-were-nun;                             
On full moons she's out to have fun.                        
So lock all your doors,                                     
Stay down on the floors,                                    
And maybe you'll see the next sun.                          
                                                            
46126 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Archie                   



Perhaps my last step was amiss,                             
When I stepped in the path of Sis Chris.                    
For as rumor will have it,                                  
She's a beast in a habit,                                   
Though perhaps it's the path to true bliss.                 
                                                            
46127 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Craig                    



Tomorrow I'm training my guns                               
On one of our sexiest Nuns,                                 
In hopes she'll be mine                                     
On this Valentine,                                          
And answer to "Sweetie-Bun-Buns."                           
                                                            
46128 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   SFA                      



But danger still lurks underneath                           
In gnashers she keeps in her sheath.                        
But once in my arms,                                        
I'm hoping my charms                                        
Will have her removing her teeth.                           
                                                            
46129 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   SFA                      



So you want to join my adventures?                          
I warn there is naught to prevent yours                     
From being chewed off                                       
'Cause I'll never doff                                      
My vagino-labial dentures.                                  
                                                            
46130 NUNS - CHRISTINA - SERIES  3   Sis Chris                



Sister Helen was sure she would win                         
Her lifelong battle with sin.                               
But when the new abbot                                      
Lifted her habit,                                           
She knew she would have to give in.                         
                                                            
46131 NUNS - HABITS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



In a convent, a young Sister Babbit                         
Raised a male and female white rabbit.                      
She said, when she spied                                    
How they multiplied,                                        
"I could see it becoming a habit."                          
                                                            
46132 NUNS - HABITS                  Michael Polo        P8907



There was a young nun name of Babbitt;                      
No priest had got into her habit,                           
Until old Bishop Bart                                       
Threw her off with a fart,                                  
And was in just as quick as a rabbit.                       
                                                            
46133 NUNS - HABITS                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0968



Well, my favorite church is St James,                       
The nuns always have fun and games,                         
When tiraboleiros,                                          
Swing botafumeiros,                                         
Their naughty habits fan the flames.                        
                                                            
46134 NUNS - HABITS                                           



Dressed in black and always on the run,                     
No one's ever called her their Hon.                         
With her eyes so clear                                      
And features severe,                                        
She's a creature of habit, a nun.                           
                                                            
46135 NUNS - HABITS                  Tom Patton               



When the Church offers freedom, priests grab it;            
Not one of them mutters, "Dagnabbit!"                       
But sisters hang back                                       
From a spree in the sack,                                   
Because they are creatures of habit.                        
                                                            
46136 NUNS - HABITS                  Norm Storer         P9210



There once was a somber old nun,                            
Who decided it was time for some fun.                       
She discarded her habit,                                    
Dressed up as a rabbit                                      
And scampered around in the sun.                            
                                                            
46137 NUNS - HABITS                  Anon                     



Bill's showing a nun his stuffed rabbit,                    
When into the room walked Bruce Babbitt.                    
They spoke of a road                                        
And saving some toad,                                       
While his hand quickly slid up her habit.                   
                                                            
46138 NUNS - HABITS                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Five nuns on a mission from God,                            
Met a man with a beautiful bod.                             
They ripped off their habits,                               
And took turns like rabbits,                                
Worshipping his outstretched rod.                           
                                                            
46139 NUNS - HABITS                  Ogden Nield              



We joke about rude little nuns,                             
And puns about slipping in buns.                            
And cracks about fools                                      
With oversized tools,                                       
But it's all very much for our funs!                        
                                                            
46140 NUNS - HABITS                                           



A young nun in theology class,                              
Preferred screwing to going to Mass.                        
Her lust was so great,                                      
That by quarter to eight,                                   
Her habit was covered with grass.                           
                                                            
46141 NUNS - HABITS                  VOL 11                   



There was a young priest named of Babbitt;                  
Played ball and a young nun did grab it.                    
It was all in good fun,                                     
This fine game with the nun,                                
For he never got into the habit.                            
                                                            
46142 NUNS - HABITS                  Albin Chaplin            



All the nuns in the yard have such fun,                     
Taking turns riding bicycle un-                             
Til the mother super-                                       
Ior shouts at them: "Dear-                                  
Ies, now do put that bike seat back on.                     
                                                            
46143 NUNS - HABITS                  Ursula Noeker            



You can always tell nuns by their habits,                   
Which are utterly unlike a rabbit's.                        
Garbed in black, white, or grey,                            
They pray half the day,                                     
And one rarely, if ever, cohabits.                          
                                                            
46144 NUNS - HABITS                  Laurence Perrine    P8907



Say, Sister -- Do you wear a habit?                         
Or practice the ways of the rabbit?                         
And, can you do                                             
What is true for so few?                                    
When you see fun, can you reach out and grab it?            
                                                            
46145 NUNS - HABITS                  John Miller              



Because some nuns gave up on those habits                   
Doesn't mean they are horny, dagnabit!                      
Those outfits were airtight                                 
And heavy, not weight-light,                                
That don't mean they're screwing like rabbits.              
                                                            
46146 NUNS - HABITS                  S C Saint                



"The sins of the flesh I'll renounce,"                      
Said Sister Marie with a flounce,                           
"But not 'til my crack                                      
Has dried up and gone slack,                                
And my tits have lost all of their bounce.                  
                                                            
46147 NUNS - HABITS                  Peter Wilkins            



I've never been known to be shirty,                         
And, if anything, mostly I'm flirty.                        
But still I will shun                                       
Almost every nun,                                           
Since some of their habits are dirty.                       
                                                            
46148 NUNS - HABITS                                           



There once was a nun from Altoona                           
Left her convent for Reverend Moona!                        
No more ancient Nicene stuff;                               
She's gone for the green stuff,                             
And her habits now lined with vicuna!                       
                                                            
46149 NUNS - HABITS                  CB                       



The nuns of St Agnes and Jude                               
Are planning a calendar rude,                               
To give us a view                                           
In 2002,                                                    
Of their private particulars, nude.                         
                                                            
46150 NUNS - NAKED                   Peter Wilkins            



In order to be tastefully done,                             
They've borrowed from Father O'Gunn,                        
Some copies of "Spread 'em"                                 
And avidly read 'em,                                        
While practicing poses for fun.                             
                                                            
46151 NUNS - NAKED                   Peter Wilkins            



The poses are tasteful and simple,                          
You'll see Sister Marilyn's dimple.                         
I won't tell you quite                                      
Where to spot this delight,                                 
But it's some distance south of her wimple.                 
                                                            
46152 NUNS - NAKED                   Tiddy Ogg                



"Those graffiti in the halls of St. Sarah's,"               
Said a repainting group of repairers,                       
"Are of nuns in the nude,                                   
Erotica so lewd                                             
To corrupt our morals and snare us."                        
                                                            
46153 NUNS - NAKED                   Mike O'Conner            



A nubile young nubian nun                                   
Raised up her black habit for fun.                          
But though she was bare                                     
Under, no one knew where                                    
Nude nun ended and habit begun.                             
                                                            
46154 NUNS - NAKED                   Tony Davie          P9605



Regarding that Nubian nun,                                  
Who played peekaboo on the run;                             
I'd say rather smartly                                      
She acted most tartly.                                      
(Forgive me for stooping to pun.)                           
                                                            
46155 NUNS - NAKED                   Bluebird           TP9901



"Posing naked can often be fun,"                            
Said the priest, with a wink, to the nun.                   
She replied, "But I'm chaste,"                              
He said, "Oh, what a waste --                               
I've seen worse on page three of The Sun."                  
                                                            
46156 NUNS - NAKED                   Bill Wall                



I once knew a blonde who'd begun                            
To feel quite discontent as a nun.                          
So she gave it a whirl                                      
As a strip-teaser girl,                                     
And discovered the meaning of fun.                          
                                                            
46157 NUNS - NAKED                   Peter Wilkins            



On the slopes of Mount Ananias                              
A nun whom all thought highly pious,                        
Ran wild in the nude,                                       
And was so soundly screwed,                                 
That today her cunt lies on the bias.                       
(from Anais Nin - author??)                                 
46158 NUNS - NAKED                                       G1137



Bored but horny, the monks stand and squall;                
Sing MacGregor's chants, casting a pall;                    
"Give me altar boys' buns;                                  
I'll forget all the nuns;                                   
You've seen one naked nun, seen them all.                   
                                                            
46159 NUNS - NAKED                   Allen Wolverton          



There were also the Nuns of St Pauls                        
Who used to do turns on the halls.                          
For the price of a gin                                      
They'd let anyone win,                                      
Playing strip poker down in the stalls.                     
                                                            
46160 NUNS - NAKED                   Richard Jean             



Pushing quills in this grim study hall;                     
In tres partes divisa est Gaul:                             
Holy Cow!  This is rot!                                     
Where the hell's decent twat?                               
You've seen one naked nun, seen them all.                   
                                                            
46161 NUNS - NAKED                   Allen Wolverton          



Now Sister Patricia then, sans dress, purses                
Her lips, "Please forgive my trespasses;                    
Oh Lord, give me dick                                       
'Cause I'm heartily sick                                    
Of these endless and tedious vesperses."                    
                                                            
46162 NUNS - NAKED                                            



The Nuns of Perpetual Fun                                   
Strip naked and lie in the sun;                             
But merly to tease                                          
The young monks of St. Bees,                                
Who would love to have fun with a nun...                    
                                                            
46163 NUNS - NAKED                   Peter Wilkins            



...But hide behind monastary curtains                       
To stare at the big ones and pert 'uns.                     
The nuns merely giggle                                      
While watching them jiggle                                  
And laugh at their juvenile squirtin's.                     
                                                            
46164 NUNS - NAKED                   Peter Wilkins            



On a visit, our bishop has gall,                            
As he peeps in the nuns' shower stall.                      
Genuflecting, they're blessed;                              
But he's jailed we've guessed;                              
You see once naked nun, seen them all.                      
                                                            
46165 NUNS - NAKED                   Allen Wolverton          



Of quite indeterminate gender                               
Were Mother Superior Brenda                                 
And Sister Denise                                           
With their knobbly knees                                    
And their oddly distracting pudenda.                        
                                                            
46166 NUNS - NAKED                   Peter Wilkins            



"This is not a damned Novena,"                              
Said Pete to Sister Rowena.                                 
"So put down the beads,                                     
And I'll give you some deeds,                               
Then pray on the head of my peena."                         
                                                            
46167 NUNS - ORAL                    Kathi                    



A nun with a penchant for shagging,                         
Whose nights in the nunnery were dragging,                  
Met a man at confession                                     
Who needed a session;                                       
She relieved his great need without gagging.                
                                                            
46168 NUNS - ORAL                    Lucy Wainwright          



Hey man, now listen to this:                                
Juanita's been blessed by Sis Chris,                        
Who took her down under                                     
And showed her the wonder                                   
Of chomping a wurst to reach bliss.                         
                                                            
46169 NUNS - ORAL                                             



A nun for the first time was kissed                         
And the passion she couldn't resist.                        
As her lips opened wider                                    
And his tongue inside her,                                  
She screamed "That's my G-spot you've missed!"              
                                                            
46170 NUNS - ORAL                    Friar                    



At a mission in deepest Nigeria,                            
'Twas the job of the Mother Superior,                       
To help Father Ted                                          
With his bath before bed,                                   
But one day summoned she an inferior...                     
                                                            
46171 NUNS - ORAL                                             



...Nun, and said to her: "Sister May,                       
For the evening I'm going away.                             
So it's you that must bath                                  
Our venerable fath-                                         
er, so here's what to do and to say:                        
                                                            
46172 NUNS - ORAL                                             



"Just do, May, whatever he tells yer,                       
But in order to keep clear of hell yer,                     
You must certainly not                                      
Look at that certain spot,                                  
'Twixt the waist and the knees of that feller."             
                                                            
46173 NUNS - ORAL                                             



So on her return the next day,                              
She said: "Come now, tell me young May,                     
I hope that you ain't,                                      
Compromised our old saint."                                 
And May said "Most certainly nay!                           
                                                            
46174 NUNS - ORAL                                             



"Once in the bath, Mother, he                               
Put my hand where you said not to see,                      
And he said `I have here,                                   
My innocent dear,                                           
A thing called the paradise key'.                           
                                                            
46175 NUNS - ORAL                                             



"And if that key were just to fit,                          
My lock -- which it did, every bit --                       
That all would be fine,                                     
And that heaven was mine.                                   
I was saved from the fiery pit."                            
                                                            
46176 NUNS - ORAL                                             



But the Ma S regarded with scorn,                           
This girl as they stood in the morn.                        
"Heaven's key? But for years,                               
He has made it quite clear,                                 
I've been blowing on Gabriel's horn."                       
                                                            
46177 NUNS - ORAL                                             



A ragout of virgin posteriors                               
Is a dish fit for papal interiors.                          
On holy days, baste                                         
And garnish to taste                                        
With the hymens of Mother Superiors.                        
                                                            
46178 NUNS - ORAL                                        G1511



The Sisters of Upper Manhattan                              
Wear nothing but panties of satin,                          
And pray every day                                          
That young Father O'Shea                                    
Will allow them to sit on his baton.                        
                                                            
46179 NUNS - ORAL                    Peter Wilkins            



The Sisters are losing their poise                          
'Cause O'Shea favors spotliess choir boys.                  
Those choristers dear                                       
Asked Sis Chris to appear                                   
And devour the baton he employs.                            
                                                            
46180 NUNS - ORAL                    Peter Wilkins            



On your knees, dearest Reverend Mum,                        
You may comfort my staff 'til it's numb.                    
I don't mind if you sing                                    
That old "Dominique" thing,                                 
But I'd really prefer that you hum.                         
                                                            
46181 NUNS - ORAL                                             



A sister of Mercy, young Blanche,                           
From the convent's Parisian branch,                         
Gives blowjobs galore                                       
To the needy and poor                                       
As they file into church for revanche.                      
                                                            
46182 NUNS - ORAL                    Peter Wilkins            



The Nuns of St. Agnes chew monks                            
Wearing miniscule edible trunks.                            
They begin at the waist,                                    
Bend and savour the taste,                                  
Before biting off succulent chunks.                         
                                                            
46183 NUNS - ORAL                                             



It is hard when you look for a doxy                         
To find one you know is not poxy.                           
But at Garden Mart,                                         
They have the right part                                    
In bulk, on their tender new Box Tree.                      
                                                            
46184 NUNS - ORAL                    Archie                   



At the convent it raised quite a flap,                      
When I asked for a nun without clap.                        
The one then on duty                                        
Looked quite a nice beauty,                                 
But rewarded my quest with a slap.                          
                                                            
46185 NUNS - ORAL                    Ward Hardman             



The Convent of Perpetual Wet                                
Is where I so sadly first met                               
The mad Sister Chris                                        
Who promised me bliss --                                    
But chewed up my manly asset!                               
                                                            
46186 NUNS - ORAL                    Archie                   



I escaped from Christina.  The first                        
Occasion my meat was submersed                              
In that dangerous snare,                                    
And daily, I swear,                                         
She still has her hopes for the wurst.                      
                                                            
46187 NUNS - ORAL                    Hugh Clary               



There's nothin' like Mousse-of-the-Mother."                 
Said Mark, as his staff he did smother.                     
"The Sisters who lick her,                                  
Can whip it up thicker                                      
Than week-old blood pudding, my Brother."                   
                                                            
46188 NUNS - ORAL                                             



A nun came into my place;                                   
She proceeded to sit on my face.                            
With one little lick in,                                    
Its vacuum did kick in.                                     
And now I'm living in Grace!                                
                                                            
46189 NUNS - ORAL                    Limberick                



The priest couldn't give them their joys.                   
(Because he preferred little boys!)                         
Though they were all virgins,                               
They still had those urgin's                                
That 'most every woman enjoys.                              
                                                            
46190 NUNS - ORAL                    Kaylin Brandon           



So they jumped in your bed real quick                       
To let your fingers do the trick.                           
Three to one -- what a ratio                                
For performing fellatio --                                  
Each one got barely a lick.                                 
                                                            
46191 NUNS - ORAL                    PeterW                   



"Most nuns do not sex," Deacon Veek,                        
"So laymen will laywomen seek.                              
Though nuns will deny,                                      
'No laywoman I,'                                            
Which ones keep their tongue in their cheek?"               
                                                            
46192 NUNS - ORAL                    Irving Superior     P8907



The size of the Mother Superior                             
Made a tongue-job as weary, nay wearier                     
Than the late Henry James,                                  
The Commonwealth Games,                                     
Or an evening of 'opera seria.'                             
                                                            
46193 NUNS - ORAL                    Fuller and Fenton   P9105



There once was a nun from Altoona,                          
Had a muff just as fine as vicuna.                          
Said the priest who was weary                               
From stroking his dearie,                                   
"Oh Sister, let me lick your lacuna!"                       
                                                            
46194 NUNS - ORAL                    Chauncy de Groot         



An overworked nun, Sister Nell,                             
Was forced to give sex, sick or well,                       
And thus add to the gaiety                                  
Of the resident laity                                       
(Her term for the monks in the cell).                       
                                                            
46195 NUNS - SCREWED                 Armand E Singer       226



"DISGUSTING and VILE, Sister Pat;                           
You won't get to Heaven like THAT!"                         
"So that's what you think",                                 
She said, diddling her pink,                                
"Well I've already been, you old bat."                      
                                                            
46196 NUNS - SCREWED                 Peter Wilkins            



Whatever was under her habit,                               
My only impulse was to stab it.                             
But such was me luck,                                       
That after the ruck,                                        
Her beaver resembled a rabbit.                              
                                                            
46197 NUNS - SCREWED                 Anon                     



When woman is gripped with the fever,                       
And you can't oblige, then just leave her.                  
Don't be like those guys                                    
Who met their demise,                                       
By taking dead rabbits to beaver.                           
                                                            
46198 NUNS - SCREWED                 SFA                      



There once was a nun from Podunk,                           
Who had so much sex that she stunk.                         
But the Bishop caught wind,                                 
Lost control -- with her sinned,                            
And when finished he buggered a monk.                       
                                                            
46199 NUNS - SCREWED                 Bob Birch                



Have you met our staff psychopath, Totter?                  
A typical shite and a rotter.                               
His idea of fun                                             
Is to bugger a nun,                                         
Or else some impoverished squatter.                         
                                                            
46200 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G1069



Said a nun to the Mother Superior,                          
"I'd like to get it in the interior,                        
But my pussy's real sore,                                   
(I once was a whore)                                        
So I better get it up the exterior.                         
                                                            
46201 NUNS - SCREWED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



At the beach, priest and nun got a thrill,                  
But she's the one stuck with the bill.                      
Nothin' says lovin'                                         
Like a bun in the oven --                                   
Next time, she'll remember her pill!                        
                                                            
46202 NUNS - SCREWED                 Kaylin                   



I was plumbing a young nun's interior                       
When in walked the Mother Superior.                         
With the grimmest of smiles                                 
She said, "If you've piles,                                 
Pray the Bishop finds you most inferior..."                 
                                                            
46203 NUNS - SCREWED                 John Miller 0260         



It was rumored a young priest named Dorgan                  
Was hung like an eighteen hand Morgan.                      
He was chased round the church                              
By two nuns on research                                     
Till they caught him at last by the organ.                  
                                                            
46204 NUNS - SCREWED                 Bob Giandomenico    P8907



A lonely old nun name of Birch,                             
Enticed a young boy in her search.                          
When she asked how he fared,                                
He replied, as he stared,                                   
"It's like singing alone in the church."                    
                                                            
46205 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0404



A lecherous preacher named Ferrer                           
Left a nun with a feeling of terror.                        
For her belly did swell,                                    
But he said, "What the hell,                                
It is merely a clerical error."                             
                                                            
46206 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1017



A nun who's a nympho from Bray                              
Would wear out a cucumber a day.                            
Kept under her habit,                                       
She'd go like a rabbit,                                     
Fall down on her knees and then pray.                       
                                                            
46207 NUNS - SCREWED                 Barbara Cunningham  P9603



A Mexican nun named Sor Juana,                              
Was hot as a wop primadonna.                                
But when the old bishop                                     
Could not get his fish up,                                  
She said, "Anyhow, I don' wanna."                           
                                                            
46208 NUNS - SCREWED                                     L1659



To the church, an old pervert, a Persian,                   
Willed a sum for post mortem perversion;                    
Also false teeth and prick                                  
For the sixty nine trick,                                   
Which the nuns found a pleasant diversion.                  
                                                            
46209 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin            



A nun's first occasion to sin,                              
Had her screaming and shouting "AMEN!"                      
A hell of a roister,                                        
Right there in the cloister,                                
Then she prayed, "God! Let's do it again!"                  
                                                            
46210 NUNS - SCREWED                 John Griffin             



A nun from the town of Creve Coeur                          
Was extremely confused, as it were;                         
When, from one point of view                                
She attempted to do                                         
Unto him what he did unto her.                              
                                                            
46211 NUNS - SCREWED                 Hugh Oliver         A072B



An expedient young fellow was Hugh;                         
In church he knew just what to do.                          
While the priest was exhorting                              
On immoral cavorting,                                       
He was fucking a nun in the pew.                            
                                                            
46212 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0207



A polluted young nun from the mission                       
Got pregnant and found herself wishin'                      
That she'd not gone so far                                  
With the priest in his car,                                 
Till controls were installed on emission.                   
                                                            
46213 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1061



A loose-moraled missionary named Percy,                     
Who was well educated and versy,                            
Said to a young nun,                                        
As he finished his fun,                                     
"That was an emission of mercy."                            
                                                            
46214 NUNS - SCREWED                 DireWolf                 



There once was a rounder from Syria,                        
Who entered a convent's interior.                           
Ere they loosed him -- what luck --                         
The dear man had to fuck                                    
All the nuns and the Mother Superior.                       
                                                            
46215 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G1162



A nun told a priest, "I can dish up                         
A sport capping any you'll wish up.                         
Played by two, not by one,                                  
And by far give more fun                                    
Than you'll ever get flogging the bishop."                  
                                                            
46216 NUNS - SCREWED                 Bob Giandomenico    P9101



A deaf mute lay asleep on his back,                         
When a breeze showed two nuns what he packed.               
Said the nuns, "Looks like fun!                             
He can't tell anyone!"                                      
So they led him away to a shack.                            
                                                            
46217 NUNS - SCREWED                 David Finely             



There was a young convent-bound nun,                        
Who decided she must have some fun.                         
She climbed over the wall,                                  
When in town, had a ball                                    
Doing things that no nun should have done.                  
                                                            
46218 NUNS - SCREWED                 Warrick Elrod            



A pious young nun from La Plata                             
Was blessed with the holy stigmata.                         
They appeared at the rim                                    
Of her virginal quim                                        
When she did what she shouldn't have otta.                  
                                                            
46219 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G1128



A poet, I think it was Keats,                               
Said, "Nuns spread deceits about teats,                     
And claim them behemoth                                     
Because they both seemeth                                   
To sag 'twixt the knees and the feets.                      
                                                            
46220 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



"And nuns are much better, by far,                          
At lying than prostitutes are:                              
A nun says, 'I've got                                       
A cherry-filled twat,'                                      
While truth is -- a dry, empty jar!"                        
                                                            
46221 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



But screw Keats...I'm taking a chance;                      
So, Sister, I'm dropping my pants                           
(I may be quite sorry                                       
Tonight or tomorry!)                                        
For you to start licking my lance!                          
                                                            
46222 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



There was a young nun, Sister Harriet,                      
Who made love in her motorized chariot.                     
Too bad she got caught,                                     
And to justice was brought.                                 
They now call her Judith Iscariot!                          
                                                            
46223 NUNS - SCREWED                 Rick Limer          T9711



Said a nun, undoing her wimple,                             
"If, Father Fred, You'd my quim pull,                       
Let me find the zips,                                       
Straps, buckles and clips.                                  
You lie back--let's just keep it simple."                   
                                                            
46224 NUNS - SCREWED                 Tony Davie               



Those nuns echoed peals of laughter,                        
Each one, as you tried to shaft her.                        
Last time you were here,                                    
They chortled a year,                                       
But politely, they waited 'til after.                       
                                                            
46225 NUNS - SCREWED                 Spuddie                  



I just don't know how to begin,                             
'Cause I'm feeling rather sanguine.                         
Imaging the fun                                             
Of a bonk with a nun;                                       
Perhaps its like stuffing a penguin!                        
                                                            
46226 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



The nuns in the Convent St Reet,                            
(The ones we do so like to meet),                           
They make so much more                                      
Than a plain common whore;                                  
Their makers they do often greet!                           
                                                            
46227 NUNS - SCREWED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



She's hiding, I've heard, in Larocque,                      
Where nuns walk the streets for a cocque;                   
In panties of satin                                         
While praying in Latin:                                     
"High heavens, I need a great focque!"                      
                                                            
46228 NUNS - SCREWED                 Travis Brasell           



There was a young nun named Crockery,                       
Who was seized by a monk in the Lockerie.                   
She said, "Listen, Abbot,                                   
You've come on my habit,                                    
This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery!"                         
                                                            
46229 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



There was a young nun from Siberia                          
Endowed with a virgin interior --                           
Until an old monk                                           
Jumped into her bunk,                                       
And now she's the Mother Superior.                          
                                                            
46230 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



What a night at the Sausage and Porter!                     
Several Nuns had come in for a snorter,                     
While a Priest dressed in black,                            
Was enjoying the crack,                                     
Of the Mother Superior's daughter.                          
                                                            
46231 NUNS - SCREWED                 Mad O'Rourke's Pub  P0204



A nun of an order inferior                                  
Entertained priests upon her posterior.                     
She grew greater in girth,                                  
Gave Immaculate Birth,                                      
And now she's a Mother Superior.                            
                                                            
46232 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G1116



As a nun little Jane was inferior                           
'Til an intern got in her interior.                         
Her response was exquisite                                  
To this hospital visit,                                     
And now she's a Mother Superior.                            
                                                            
46233 NUNS - SCREWED                 John Miller              



There once was a man from Verdun,                           
Who tried to seduce a young nun.                            
"While I'm not in the habit,                                
And quite far from the Abbot,                               
How else will I have any fun."                              
                                                            
46234 NUNS - SCREWED                 VOL 10                   



A frustrated nun, Sister Coxey,                             
Well known for her heterodoxy,                              
Sneered, "Brides of sweet Jesus                             
Contract few diseases,                                      
But sex is no fun just by proxy."                           
                                                            
46235 NUNS - SCREWED                 Armand E Singer       829



A big Irish rowdy named Ririe                               
Was prowling around in a priory,                            
And there grabbed a sister,                                 
A passive resister,                                         
And would up a note in "Dear Diary."                        
                                                            
46236 NUNS - SCREWED                 Armand E Singer       964



An order religious of Perth                                 
Attracted young ladies of worth.                            
They found the baptismal,                                   
A rite not too dismal,                                      
But the postulants often gave birth.                        
                                                            
46237 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1421



"Rejoice!  For my coming is nigh!"                          
Said the vision she had from on high.                       
"Oh my God!" screamed the nun,                              
As she finished her fun,                                    
"Allelujah!  All over my thigh!"                            
                                                            
46238 NUNS - SCREWED                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young plumber, McNary,                          
With erections that hardly would vary.                      
In a girl's school one night,                               
Before morning light,                                       
He knocked up the whole seminary!                           
                                                            
46239 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G0653



Most missions would set up a nunnery;                       
Missionaries would use them for funnery.                    
They'd recruit from the locals                              
And poke all their pokeless;                                
All resistance was dealt with by gunnery.                   
                                                            
46240 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



So you're costing the church some big money                 
Cloning nuns? That's really too funny.                      
A test tube it was not                                      
In Sister Jo's honeypot.                                    
You forgot the rubber, you dummy!                           
                                                            
46241 NUNS - SCREWED                 Frank Fazed              



At the beach, the priest and the nun                        
Forgot their vows and had fun.                              
But now it's December,                                      
And well they remember,                                     
For six months she's been baking a bun.                     
                                                            
46242 NUNS - SCREWED                 MrMalo                   



Her sex was an act of VOLITION,                             
Which left her in pregnant condition.                       
And since she was nun,                                      
The first to be done                                        
Was to offer up act of contrition.                          
                                                            
46243 NUNS - SCREWED                 Chris Papa               



A hairy old man from Cape Verde                             
Proceeded apace to rape thirty                              
Novices from the convent.                                   
He repeatedly came; went;                                   
The girls all shouted, "Ape! Dirty!"                        
                                                            
46244 NUNS - SCREWED                 James Waite         P9211



Mind boggling, the acts of Bill Finn!                       
The vulvas his prick has been in!                           
The tits he has stroked;                                    
The nuns he has poked;                                      
The lusty delights of raw sin!                              
                                                            
46245 NUNS - SCREWED                 Armand E Singer       381



There were two young nuns named Elias;                      
Said one, "I think we are too pious.                        
There's a ship in the port,                                 
We must join in the sport.                                  
Let us see if two sailors will buy us."                     
                                                            
46246 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1010



I believe in the power of the church                        
And Nuns who can handle the birch.                          
Note: coming just twice                                     
Is not very nice;                                           
It leaves most of them in the lurch.                        
                                                            
46247 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



There was a young nun name of Hunt,                         
Who swore in her manner so blunt,                           
That she lived like a saint,                                
But her lies were so quaint --                              
You could tell by the wear on her cunt.                     
                                                            
46248 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1036



'Twas a lusty young lad from the Sault,                     
Who would ask all the girls, "Do you screw?"                
When he once, just for fun,                                 
Propositioned a nun,                                        
He was stunned by her gentle, "I do!"                       
                                                            
46249 NUNS - SCREWED                 Keith MacMillan       76b



An Italian painter named Giotto,                            
Seduced a nun in a grotto.                                  
The result of his crime,     (To her shriveled-up cunny)    
Was two boys at one time.    (He preferred her fat bunny:)  
"Give your sons to the church," was his motto.              
"Any port is a storm!" was his motto.                       
46250 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G0979



The Mater of Convent Colchester                             
Did sate her with Brother Sylvester,                        
Who cried, "Sainted God!                                    
She had tainted my cod!"                                    
When later it started to fester.                            
                                                            
46251 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G1098



In the Chapel Sistine, old nun Tealing                      
Described all the frescoes with feeling,                    
Which much pleased an old visitor,                          
And she told the inquisitor,                                
That when floored, she would study the ceiling.             
                                                            
46252 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1097



A nun had an affair, one of "those"-a,                      
When abbess found out, I suppose-a.                         
She stopped it dead cold                                    
And sister was told,                                        
To keep it all very SUB ROSA.                               
                                                            
46253 NUNS - SCREWED                 Chris Papa               



A soldier rewarded for gunnery,                             
Invaded the halls of a nunnery.                             
He taught the nuns joys                                     
And the secrets of boys--                                   
Now it's a coeducational funnery.                           
                                                            
46254 NUNS - SCREWED                                     G1115



The priests in the rectory hall                             
Are taught by the nuns how to ball;                         
Mixed in with the hugs,                                     
The sisters use drugs;                                      
It's one high mass orgy for all!                            
                                                            
46255 NUNS - SCREWED                 Mark Levy           P9409



There was an old priest name of Parches                     
Who took all the nuns out on marches.                       
From a brisk walk around                                    
They returned safe and sound,                               
Then he screwed three or four 'neath the arches.            
                                                            
46256 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1068



There once was a man from Verdun,                           
Who tried to seduce a young nun.                            
He tried it in front,                                       
But got only a grunt,                                       
So he decided to try in the bun!                            
                                                            
46257 NUNS - SCREWED                 VOL 10                   



There was an old nun name of Gore                           
Whose cunt was all festered and sore.                       
Since she needed some jack,                                 
She sewed tits on her back,                                 
And she set herself up as a whore.                          
                                                            
46258 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1032



Eight years is a very long time                             
To figure this most simple rhyme.                           
The soap was so slick,                                      
'Twas used for a dick.                                      
The nuns wore it out in no time.                            
                                                            
46259 NUNS - SCREWED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A nun with a pious affinity                                 
For priests took a course in divinity.                      
They were fun to work under,                                
But it caused her to wonder                                 
If that's how she lost her virginity.                       
                                                            
46260 NUNS - SCREWED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0962



The nuns, they are going ahead;                             
Once again they are in my bed.                              
No sucking this time;                                       
They are waiting in line                                    
To have their turn on my pecker's head.                     
                                                            
46261 NUNS - SCREWED                 Mike H                   



A nun had an amorous swain;                                 
She prayed for His guidance, in vain.                       
Till he guided and led                                      
The young nun into bed.                                     
Now she prays for his guidance again.                       
                                                            
46262 NUNS - SCREWED                 Michael Polo        P8907



The Sister, she cried out with soul,                        
And surrendered her sense of control,                       
While Father McGhee                                         
Began moaning with glee,                                    
With his pecker inside of her hole.                         
                                                            
46263 NUNS - SCREWED                 Cap'n Bean               



The Mother Superior's interior                              
Is stinkier still, and they fear of her.                    
But if you ask Sam Nunn,                                    
Who's had fun in her bun,                                   
'Tis not such a stench as Nigerier                          
                                                            
46264 NUNS - SCREWED                                          



While at stool the old bishop was straining,                
He developed a thought entertaining.                        
He had proof by the ton                                     
That a whore could be nun,                                  
Without further instruction or training.                    
                                                            
46265 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Albin Chaplin   3024-1094



In answer, the priest of North Junction                     
Remarked without fear or compunction,                       
He had proofs by the score                                  
That a nun could be whore,                                  
Without training or further instruction.                    
                                                            
46266 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Albin Chaplin   3024-1095



A rabbi, two nuns, and a priest                             
Were drinking and all getting greased.                      
When the sisters undressed,                                 
Their bottoms were blessed                                  
With the mark of the one-eyed beast.                        
                                                            
46267 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        MrMalo                   



The rabbi said, "Father, that's sinful.                     
We'll atone with prayers by the binful."                    
Said the priest, "Sound great,                              
But why don't we wait;                                      
I mean now that the sisters are ginful...."                 
                                                            
46268 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        MrMalo                   



I must find myself a disguise                               
That will fool them all (stupid or wise).                   
I'll dress up as a nun                                      
(Sister Petra) for fun;                                     
Shave my chest, legs, face, ass, arms and thighs.           
                                                            
46269 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



Strap my dick down with duct tape and glue;                 
Put my habit and sandals on too;                            
And cry, "Sanctuary, Mother                                 
Superior" or other                                          
Such nonsense. (I think that will do).                      
                                                            
46270 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



[Knock knock] "I'm a poor little nun;                       
I've been walking for days tired and hun-                   
gry. I'm down on my knees                                   
Begging Sanctuary, please                                   
Mother. Thank you." (Hehe, this is fun.)                    
                                                            
46271 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



"Yes, Mother Superior, food                                 
Would undoubtedly brighten my mood.                         
The refectory's here?                                       
Oh good gracious! Oh dear!                                  
Those courgettes appear terribly rude?"                     
                                                            
46272 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



"But, Mother Superior, who                                  
Is the sister there having a screw                          
With that corn-on-the-cob                                   
In the shape of a knob?"                                    
[I suspect, my dear Petal, it's you.]                       
                                                            
46273 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



"Oh her - the novitiate nun;                                
She'll screw anything under the sun                         
In or out of her cell.                                      
At communion as well,                                       
And from vespers to twenty past one."                       
                                                            
46274 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



Let me talk to her. "Petal, my sweet,                       
Surely corncobs are meant to be eat-                        
en? You're much better off                                  
With a regular boff,                                        
And a stuffing of throbbing hard meat."                     
                                                            
46275 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Jim Weaver Collection    



I fancied a nun, Sister Rose;                               
I met her, we shed all our clothes.                         
I tasted her oyster                                         
Down there in the cloister...                               
Got candle grease right up my nose.                         
                                                            
46276 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



And then came a rushing great wind;                         
A voice from on high: "You have sinned.                     
That tart's my son's bride,                                 
Deserving a ride,                                           
That leaves her beneath you, well pinned."                  
                                                            
46277 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



"That meeting between cheek and jowl,                       
Was neither, my son, fish nor fowl.                         
Go, stop that there lickin';                                
Go choke your own chicken;                                  
St Peter's here, flexing his dowel."                        
                                                            
46278 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



Then one of the heavenly host,                              
Came down and applied thence his post.                      
Alas, the poor sap,                                         
At fucking was crap;                                        
You see, he was only a ghost.                               
                                                            
46279 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



Which just proves that size isn't all.                      
So she and I had us a ball.                                 
And those looking down,                                     
We charged a half-crown.                                    
Yes, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Paul.                   
                                                            
46280 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



A cute little nun, name of Kylie,                           
Confessed in a whisper, quite shyly,                        
"My panties are wet                                         
For with lust I'm beset...                                  
Will you pray for me, Father O'Reilly?"                     
                                                            
46281 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



"Lord Jesus!" thought Father O'Reilly,                      
And whipped out his genitals slyly.                         
"Forgive me, dear God,"                                     
He said, shooting his wad,                                  
As he sprayed on that nun name of Kylie.                    
                                                            
46282 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Her love story would slowly unfold,                         
With some parts that should never be told.                  
There are deeds quite surprising,                           
And lewd acts compromising,                                 
And this nun is not even that old.                          
                                                            
46283 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Bob Birch                



If lust could be had, she would grab It,                    
And 'tis said that she'd fuck like a rabbIt.                
That's not good for a nun,                                  
But once she'd begun,                                       
She was in and was out of the habit.                        
                                                            
46284 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Bob Birch                



I got on the train at Southampton,                          
And sat down alongside a young nun,                         
(Not Sister Christina,                                      
This one was much cleaner,)                                 
And wondered if she'd like some fun.                        
                                                            
46285 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



I haven't a clue who she is,                                
But her thighs and her tits are the biz;                    
And on Mondays she sits                                     
On the train with my bits                                   
In her hand, 'til I'm ready to fizz.                        
                                                            
46286 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



The first stop is called Airport/Parkway,                   
I asked her if she'd like to make hay,                      
She gave me a glare,                                        
And told me just where                                      
I could take my hay maker, and go away.                     
                                                            
46287 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



And so to the next station, Eastleigh.                      
She told me to stop being beastly,                          
"Keep your hands to yourself,                               
If you value your health,                                   
I won't give in quite so easily."                           
                                                            
46288 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



But by the time we reached Win-chester,                     
I knew that my ardour impressed 'er.                        
She let my hand roam                                        
On erogenous zones,                                         
As, mentally at least, I undressed 'er.                     
                                                            
46289 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



By the time that we reached Basingstoke,                    
I'd buried my face 'neath her cloak,                        
And she quivered in ripples,                                
As my lips sucked her nipples,                              
And her thighs, I now started to stroke.                    
                                                            
46290 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



The next station reached is called Woking,                  
And she surely knew I was not joking.                       
As we sped 'long the track,                                 
She was flat on her back,                                   
'Twixt her thighs now my todger was poking.                 
                                                            
46291 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



By now we were coming to Clapham.                           
Her legs round my back she did wrap 'em.                    
As we crossed o'er the points,                              
That jiggled our joints,                                    
And our climax at last it did happen.                       
                                                            
46292 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



And as we drew in to Waterloo,                              
I smiled and said "Thanks be to you.                        
Now if you've got the time,                                 
Try the old Essex line,                                     
And see what young Peter can do."                           
                                                            
46293 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES                                 



While tuned in on BBC1,                                     
I was lying in bed with a nun.                              
I decided to stop,                                          
When a flashbulb went POP!                                  
I'm now on page three of the Sun.                           
                                                            
46294 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Bill Wall                



On thumbing my way through the Sun,                         
On page three was an old topless nun.                       
Since Murdoch found God,                                    
His behavior's quite odd,                                   
But he says it's just good clean fun.                       
                                                            
46295 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Bill Wall                



We Nuns of Perpetual Wet                                    
Have set up this page on the net.                           
So welcom, dear Brother                                     
Or sister -- I'm Mother                                     
Superior Fanny (you bet).                                   
                                                            
46296 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



This page is to prove that we ain't                         
Medieval or terribly quaint.                                
When Matins is done,                                        
We have glorious fun,                                       
Although none of us here is a saint.                        
                                                            
46297 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



So dearly beloved, come in:                                 
Let me show yu the convent within.                          
The six of us (only)                                        
Are frequently lonely,                                      
Save visits from Father O'Quinn.                            
                                                            
46298 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



And Father O'Quinn's getting old;                           
He's been with us for decades untold.                       
The service he rendered                                     
Has now been suspended;                                     
His candle's eroded and cold.                               
                                                            
46299 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Now here is sweet Sister Marie;                             
She's been with us since January 3.                         
Her shiny black habits                                      
Appeal to the abbots,                                       
And often (quite frankly) to me.                            
                                                            
46300 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



She's certainly under a spell                               
And it isn't a vision of Hell;                              
And nor is she sitting                                      
And thinking of knitting,                                   
Though something is ringing her bell.                       
                                                            
46301 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Our newest recruit is Irene                                 
Who insists she is over eighteen,                           
Our minimum age;                                            
But I can't really guage,                                   
And she does appear awfully keen.                           
                                                            
46302 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



She often gets over-dramatic                                
And strips off her cloths in the attic.                     
Imagining revels                                            
With satyrs and devils;                                     
No wonder she's looking ecstatic.                           
                                                            
46303 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Displaying her silky white pants,                           
It's Sister Pauline in a trance.                            
He hopes that her knickers                                  
Might help attract vicars,                                  
But frankly, she hasn't a chance.                           
                                                            
46304 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Apparently  silky and sleek,                                
Those panties she's worn for a week.                        
Though fitting her tightly,                                 
She checks on them nightly                                  
In case they start springing a leak.                        
                                                            
46305 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Good Heavens!  What have we here?                           
It's Sister Christina I fear.                               
She's sozzled, methinks,                                    
After one or two drinks,                                    
From that bottle of whiskey or beer.                        
                                                            
46306 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



She seems to be having a scratch;                           
I bet she has crabs in her thatch.                          
She catches them often                                      
When screwing and boffin'                                   
And chewing up guys in her snatch.                          
                                                            
46307 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Now this nymphomaniac nun,                                  
Dear Sister Patricia has fun.                               
She tests out the toys                                      
We employ for our joys;                                     
It's no wonder her job's never done.                        
                                                            
46308 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



At Matins she'll diddle and thumb it;                       
At Vespers she'll playfully strum it.                       
The rest of the day                                         
She gets carried away,                                      
Using whatchamacallits to plumb it.                         
                                                            
46309 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



And finally me.  I'm the Mother                             
Superior Fanny; none other.                                 
I'm privileged too;                                         
I have abbots to screw.                                     
And the one on the left is my brother.                      
                                                            
46310 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



They pay me a visit each Sunday;                            
The day I regard as my fun day.                             
But, brother, I've got                                      
An insatiable twat,                                         
So it's back to the dildos on Monday.                       
                                                            
46311 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



I once knew a nun from Peru                                 
Who prayed for a Bishop to screw.                           
She went to confession,                                     
Her guilt for to lessen,                                    
And LO!  All her prayers came true.                         
                                                            
46312 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        ROE                      



All at once a Bishop came for her,                          
And in no time proceeded to board her.                      
He tickled her dicket,;                                     
She tiddled his wicket;                                     
They started their very own order!                          
                                                            
46313 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        ROE                      



Near the convent I'd walk with a friend,                    
A young Sister who'd talk without end.                      
With faith, not apology,                                    
On Greek eschatology.                                       
Then we'd fuck like the world was at end.                   
                                                            
46314 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        H whelchel               



We'd relish the guilt-driven pain                           
As into each other we'd strain.                             
My black heart she'd beguile                                
When she'd moan with a smile,                               
"Dear God, are you coming again?"                           
                                                            
46315 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        H Whelchel               



There was a young nun, Sister Sybil,                        
Whose pussy was always a-dribble;                           
She prayed to her God                                       
For her heavenly rod,                                       
And the chance of a nibble or dibble.                       
                                                            
46316 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



"Oh God; will you take me to heaven?                        
I've never been further than Devon."                        
Okay then, dear Sister,"                                    
Said God as he kissed her,                                  
"But don't call me God, call me Kevin."                     
                                                            
46317 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



"Oh Kevin..." cried young Sister Sybil;                     
"Oh Sybil..." cried Kevin mid-dibble.                       
And Thusly did Kevin                                        
Take Sybil to heaven                                        
With more of a BANG! than a nibble.                         
                                                            
46318 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



A Papal Encyclical due                                      
To be issued July 22                                        
Makes it clear it's illegal                                 
For nuns to enveigle                                        
Novitiate brothers to screw.                                
                                                            
46319 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



This leaves a few days to go run                            
To the monastery, looking for fun.                          
Let the Sisters of Mercy                                    
Look after your percy,                                      
For soon, I'm afraid there'll be nun.                       
                                                            
46320 NUNS - SCREWED - SERIES        Peter Wilkins            



An artsy old nun from Mt. Hunt,                             
Once chiseled a design in her cunt.                         
She carved to perfection                                    
The Lord's resurrection,                                    
And wore her skirts open in front.                          
                                                            
46321 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Pete Baker               



There once was a dirty old man                              
Who evolved an elaborate plan:                              
Unsuspecting young nuns                                     
Would be offered cream buns                                 
In return for a feel of their fan.                          
                                                            
46322 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



These nuns who are peripatetic,                             
May have energy highly frenetic,                            
But there's none they are selling                           
With their grammar and spelling,                            
Which can only be labeled pathetic.                         
                                                            
46323 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



A pot-smoking Carmelite Judah                               
Decided she'd rather praise Buddah.                         
She'd had it with spankings                                 
And clitoral yankings                                       
From that fiendishly cruel barracuda.                       
                                                            
46324 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Tutta/Ogni               



Sis Katie was quite the bell ringer,                        
Not just a habitual swinger.                                
Each night in the tower                                     
With Mooropious Thower,                                     
She proved there's nun better dong dinger!                  
                                                            
46325 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



On Mondays Jim Riddle makes trips                           
To plumb leaking milk-ladened nips                          
On sisters evoking                                          
His help to stop soaking                                    
The Cloister of 'Pregnated Drips.                           
                                                            
46326 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



Then there's Sister Ignatius Loyola,                        
An itinerant Friday night bowler,                           
Who confesses her sins                                      
As she knocks down the pins;                                
You might say she's a real holy roller.                     
                                                            
46327 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



An innocent maiden named Keist                              
Said sex was at best overpriced.                            
"None opens my oyster;                                      
It's me for the cloister,                                   
As one of the brides of J. Christ."                         
                                                            
46328 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Armand E Singer       374



Two Catholic sisters named Dunn                             
Seized land at the point of a gun;                          
According to prattle                                        
They then stole some cattle                                 
And nicknamed the spread the Bar Nun.                       
                                                            
46329 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Armand E Singer       632



In order to research "The Nun",                             
I thought I would interview one,                            
Who said, "A nun chaste                                     
Is also un-chased,                                          
So Sir, let us talk while we run."                          
                                                            
46330 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Irving Superior     P8907



The Nuns of Perpetual Flatulence                            
Indulged in the sin known as crapulence,                    
By gorging on beans,                                        
Then dropping their jeans,                                  
And lighting the gas with congratulence.                    
                                                            
46331 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Hugh Clary               



The nuns of the Convent St. Mary                            
Kept cows at a ranch on the prairie.                        
And for a small fee, men                                    
Could fuck them. Their semen,                               
The nuns sold as milk from the dairy.                       
                                                            
46332 NUNS - ZGENERAL                PeterW                   



Those nuns at St. Mary's cloister,                          
Served many a good mountain oyster.                         
They wern't from the bull;                                  
The nuns would just pull                                    
Them from under the customers joyster.                      
                                                            
46333 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Dave Jersey              



The nuns never did learn to clean                           
The inside of the milking machine.                          
The men were good sports;                                   
They stopped at 5 quarts.                                   
Why don't you contribute a gene?                            
                                                            
46334 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Dave Jersey              



Said a nun to the Mother Superior:                          
"Are my breasts inferior?                                   
I know that I like them                                     
But would you try them?                                     
Come and try. The more the merrier!"                        
                                                            
46335 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



Our nun in the 9th grade pronounced                         
That cheating and such be renounced.                        
At the board I snuck help,                                  
And then let out a yelp...                                  
My head off the blackboard she bounced.                     
                                                            
46336 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



Said the nun to the Mother Superior,                        
"You have such a placid exterior,                           
But right now," she said,                                   
"We should head for the bed,                                
And explore your more fiery interior."                      
                                                            
46337 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Boy Pilot                



The nuns who taught girlies in Cheltenham,                  
Took pleasure sadistic in beltin' 'em;                      
Then just to make sure                                      
They were thoroughly sore,                                  
Put their hands down their panties and felt in 'em.         
                                                            
46338 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



A girl from a nice convent school                           
Was wicked, sadistic and cruel.                             
One night, just for fun,                                    
She set fire to a nun,                                      
Screaming, "Oh what a silly old fuel!"                      
                                                            
46339 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Spike Milligan      P0104



On TV the famed Flying Nun --                               
Inflation is how it was done --                             
An air hose.  They'd jab it                                 
Beneath the nun's habit                                     
And since rated G, up her bun.                              
                                                            
46340 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Irving Superior     P8907



The Sisters of Mercy and Hope                               
In the Vatican grow their own dope.                         
They're often seen giggling                                 
And laughing and jiggling,                                  
Around on the knee of the Pope.                             
                                                            
46341 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



From habits the nuns have departed                          
(The ones that they wore when they started).                
They welcome the breeze                                     
Up skirts to their knees.                                   
(Long skirts held the smell when they farted.)              
                                                            
46342 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Frank Fazed              



Hypodermics are not any fun.                                
Not even if stuck in the bun.                               
My patience wears thin;                                     
They get under my skin;                                     
I'd sooner eat squash with a nun!                           
                                                            
46343 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Al Willis                



When old Hildy felt under duress                            
From the girls at the convent, she'd dress                  
In a silk gown quite sheer,                                 
Sing like hell, and drink beer --                           
Just the thing for nuns with P.M.S.                         
                                                            
46344 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Joel Cohen               



Socially it would be quite amiss                            
To say "Dress" when it's called a Surplice.                 
Should you wish to complete                                 
An act most indescreet,                                     
Just try greeting a nun with, "Hi Sis."                     
                                                            
46345 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Loren C Fitzhugh    P9804



Napoleon said, "Convents are fine.                          
Their influence is clearly benign.                          
But in their admission                                      
They should set one condition:                              
That the nuns be at least forty-nine."                      
                                                            
46346 NUNS - ZGENERAL                A. N. Wilkins       P8907



A young nun from Long Beach, California,                    
Said, "I think it's important to warnia,                    
That though seeming a saint,                                
I've an awful complaint,                                    
I'm just getting steadily hornia."                          
                                                            
46347 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Isaac Asimov             



Said a nun from the town Gananoque                          
"All the clergy I hold in obloque;   [?]                    
For a priest made a pass                                    
At me during mass                                           
And a bishop once tried to unfrock me."                     
                                                            
46348 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Hugh Oliver           55a



The nuns of St. Candlewick, long                            
For the chance to be sinful and wrong                       
With the monks of St. Fells                                 
But they only ring bells                                    
With a teasingly sonorous "Dong!"                           
                                                            
46349 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



A naughty young nun (she was Dutch)                         
Was chastised for indecent behaviour, and such.             
Said the Mother Superior:                                   
"I'd spank your posterior.                                  
But I know you'd enjoy it too much."                        
                                                            
46350 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



To live a nun's life in a cloister,                         
Or on my own petard or hoister,                             
Neither one has appeal;                                     
My idea of a deal                                           
Is having the world as my oyster.                           
                                                            
46351 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Esther Koch         P0110



"Good heavens above and good gracious!"                     
Cried Sister Tamara Bodacious,                              
"I thought I was dreaming                                   
Of creaming, you scheming                                   
And wicked young Brother Ignatius."                         
                                                            
46352 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



Of a beautiful girl named Casey,                            
All the boys speak of her as racy.                          
But when they try                                           
She would deny;                                             
Now a convent's her home in K.C.                            
(K.C. - Kansas City, Mo)                                    
46353 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Tom Patton          P9708



In the middle of singing a hymn,                            
I was jostled by old Sister Pym.                            
She tripped over a hassock,                                 
Looked right up my cassock                                  
And said, "Goodness me, hello Tim!"                         
                                                            
46354 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Bill Wall                



They're nuns, but angels they ain't.                        
They could even seduce a young Saint --                     
They were horny, no doubt,                                  
From going too long without --                              
Their talents would make the Pope faint!                    
                                                            
46355 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Kaylin Brandon           



There once was a nun from Altoona,                          
Who loved the retreat in Laguna.                            
The lesbian clan                                            
Massaged her with flan,                                     
And consumed it by light of the moon...Ahh...               
(flan - straight-sided custard pie)                         
46356 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Magunda                  



Holy Shit!  A nun's after me!                               
All the memories, now vividly                               
Come rushing right back,                                    
Of the harsh brutal whacks                                  
Of the rulers, they swung frequently.                       
                                                            
46357 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



Mother Theresa and Flipper                                  
Couldn't get it on, 'count of the zipper                    
On her habit got stuck;                                     
The good nun said "Shuck-                                   
s! If you only had thumbs that could grip 'er...."          
                                                            
46358 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Robin K. Willoughby P8601



"Is there anywhere under the sun --                         
Any place, any race, any one                                
Who's never been vexed                                      
By thoughts about sex?"                                     
Replied Sister Bertha, "No nun."                            
                                                            
46359 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Laurence Perrine    P8907



Most of the nuns are pristine.                              
For those who detest the obscene,                           
They have no bad habits.                                    
Their thoughts are un-rabbit,                               
And never in public will wean.                              
                                                            
46360 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Irving Superior     P8907



In the checkout at the food store                           
A nun was advising the poor.                                
"Hey, you up front!                                         
Too many, you cunt!                                         
And no food stamps for beer, you dumb whore!"               
                                                            
46361 NUNS - ZGENERAL                John Chastaine           



Two nuns as they cycled near Derry,                         
Decided their route they would vary.                        
"I've not come this way!"                                   
"Oh really?  I'd say                                        
'Tis the cobblestones, dear Sister Mary!"                   
                                                            
46362 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Tutta                    



There once was a lovely young nun,                          
Whose novitiate (hardly begun)                              
Was withdrawn by the Mother                                 
Superior's brother,                                         
Because she refused to have fun.                            
                                                            
46363 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



The Sisters of Vanishing Hope                               
Have given up liquor and dope.                              
But now they're depressed                                   
And their life, has lost zest.                              
They do little but mumble and mope.                         
                                                            
46364 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



My ex-wife, a dysfunctional broad                           
Whose concept of reality's flawed,                          
Said, "I'm leaving you, hon.                                
I'm becoming a nun.                                         
So please route all my E-mail through God."                 
                                                            
46365 NUNS - ZGENERAL                William N Nesbit    P0103



A middle-aged sister named Shriver                          
Left no doubt that she was a survivor.                      
Who would have supposed                                     
When the convent was closed                                 
That she would have become a truck driver?                  
                                                            
46366 NUNS - ZGENERAL                A. N. Wilkins       P8907



In a convent a sex pot called Bun                           
Thought with priests that she'd have some fun.              
But when they kicked her out,                               
They left her no doubt                                      
When they said nun, they meant none.                        
                                                            
46367 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Clarence E. Boyle   P8907



I've been hiding here under my bed                          
For fear that my little'r head                              
Was in danger from one                                      
Lim writing, nymph nun.                                     
Is she gone? Is it now safe to tread?                       
                                                            
46368 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



I crawl out real quiet to check...                          
Then the hair on the back of my neck                        
Stands up on end                                            
I turn, and then...                                         
See, 'twas cold air, blowin' in from the deck.              
                                                            
46369 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



So the slider, I close and secure...                        
But who opened it? I am not sure...                         
I've been hiding so long...                                 
No wait... Something's wrong!                               
Once again myself, I must obscure!                          
                                                            
46370 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



The Nuns of Perpetual Indulgence                            
Have secrets which need my divulgence --                    
With the Pope they don't rate,                              
'Cause they are not straight;                               
You can tell by their big trouser bulgence.                 
                                                            
46371 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



Whenever the weather is breezy,                             
Aromas decidedly queasy                                     
Come wafting across                                         
From the fortified schloss,                                 
Of the Nuns of Perpetual Cheesy.                            
                                                            
46372 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



Their vow is to never change undies                         
Or similar feminine sundries,                               
But nurture the cheese                                      
Which collects by degrees,                                  
For their holy communion on Sundays.                        
                                                            
46373 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



For that's their excuse to hold wine                        
And cheese parties each Sunday at nine;                     
Bacchanalian feasts,                                        
Well attended by priests                                    
Who believe that the cheese is divine.                      
                                                            
46374 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



A nun, Sister Mary, from Ghent                              
Had orgasms only in Lent.                                   
Her priest said. "I know,                                   
I said 'something' forgo,                                   
But chastity's not what I meant."                           
                                                            
46375 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



About nunneries, does many a tale                           
Of lesbian orgies prevail.                                  
So I'd just like to hear                                    
If there's something to fear                                
For my pussy or may I exhale?                               
                                                            
46376 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



Now I am going to blab it;                                  
I'm really as shy as a rabbit.                              
I am not much fun,                                          
(Actually I'm a nun)                                        
I just went and got out of the habit.                       
                                                            
46377 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Erika                    



An order of Sisters out west                                
Would worship at Holy Mom's Breast,                         
Annointing her image                                        
With milk from her tittage.                                 
I know; I'm their priest; they confessed.                   
                                                            
46378 NUNS - ZGENERAL                H Whelchel               



I wonder if there's a kindred order                         
Who'd like to take on a new boarder.                        
If the worshipful flock                                     
Plays diddley-cock,                                         
I'd be willing to work as the porter.                       
                                                            
46379 NUNS - ZGENERAL                ML                       



I'm starting a church in the East,                          
With me as the flock and the priest.                        
Annoint my pudendence --                                    
I'll double attendance!                                     
We'll call it Communing The Beast.                          
                                                            
46380 NUNS - ZGENERAL                H Whelchel               



The Church is now spreading its net;                        
We carefully choose who we get.                             
Our Nuns are all tested                                     
And only invested,                                          
If they are perpetually wet.                                
                                                            
46381 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Archie                   



The Nuns of Perpetual Moisture                              
Feed all their male visitors oysters.                       
The effects, aphrodisical,                                  
Improve matters physical,                                   
When hoisting their joists in the cloisters.                
                                                            
46382 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Tiddy Ogg                



The Nuns of Perpetual Wet                                   
Have a website now up on the net.                           
You can join them in chat ins                               
At vespers and matins;                                      
A sure way to work up a sweat.                              
                                                            
46383 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



The nuns that I've met could be wetter.                     
Not one that I know fills a sweater.                        
But there's one girl in black                               
Who's a wiz at the track.                                   
She's decried far and wide as nun better.                   
                                                            
46384 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Irish                    



The nuns of the church cast their lots;                     
In God's name, they have tied holy knots.                   
In their manner austere,                                    
They assembled each year                                    
At a dinner for petrified twats.                            
                                                            
46385 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-0522



The Sisters of Mercy and Hope                               
Never wash in conventional soap,                            
But they spend many hours                                   
In their communal showers,                                  
With a replica pope-on-a-rope.                              
                                                            
46386 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



To the nun, as she knelt in the apse,                       
Said the bishop, "You're praying, perhaps                   
For guidance today?"                                        
But the nun said, "No way--                                 
I am praying it doesn't collapse."                          
                                                            
46387 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Al Chaplin          P9609



"Oh Father, I'm pregnant," said Kylie;                      
"With child up the duff," she said shyly.                   
"I fear it's that candle                                    
You asked me to handle."                                    
But Father O'Reilly was wily.                               
                                                            
46388 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



"My aim, Sister K, was inaccurate,                          
And thus your conception's immaculate.                      
Just look at that stain                                     
On your habit again;                                        
He said, "That's where I shot my ejaculate!"                
                                                            
46389 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



A young nun who made notes in her diary,                    
That were terribly torrid and fiery,                        
Once left it behind                                         
For her abbess to find.                                     
Now she isn't allowed in the priory.                        
                                                            
46390 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Isaac Asimov             



We nuns are just creatures of habit,                        
Forced to emulate ol' G. F Babbit;                          
But our sex life's quite normal,                            
Not at all dull or formal...                                
We don't sweat the death of the rabbit.                     
                                                            
46391 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Deex         P9308



A nun lives her life in a cloister,                         
Shut up, like a pearl in an oyster.                         
The solitude charms.                                        
She is safe from all harms,                                 
Though the outer world bluster and roister.                 
                                                            
46392 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Laurence Perrine    P8907



I'm afraid that you have me confused                        
With one of those nuns you have used,                       
For mine is quite tight;                                    
No pouting in sight                                         
From the one that I'm keeping amused.                       
                                                            
46393 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Frank Fazededit          



They're nuns, but also they're sisters,                     
Whose rulers could leave you with blisters.                 
They might do one another,                                  
Even Superior Mother,                                       
But they seldom do it with Misters.                         
                                                            
46394 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Saint                    



There was a nice nun of New York,                           
Inordinately fond of fat pork,                              
Which she'd serve up with SPAM                              
And strawberry jam                                          
At the end of sermon or talk.                               
                                                            
46395 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Mike O'Conner            



From Rome came some wily old nuns,                          
Who thought that they needed some guns.                     
They heard that the Pope                                    
Was smuggling dope,                                         
So they threatened to shoot off his buns.                   
                                                            
46396 NUNS - ZGENERAL                                         



Those ancient old virgins who mope                          
'Round the Vatican stalking the Pope,                       
Looking ugly as sin,                                        
And oft snozzled on gin,                                    
Are the Sisters of Vanishing Hope.                          
                                                            
46397 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Peter Wilkins            



I once met this girl from down under,                       
Who was splitting atoms asunder.                            
"Atom smashing's great fun!"                                
Said this too active nun.                                   
"Truly God's creations's a wonder!"                         
                                                            
46398 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Sumaq                    



A postulent known only as Tess                              
Thought she had much to confess.                            
What she did with a priest                                  
In her dreaming, at least,                                  
I think I will leave you to guess.                          
                                                            
46399 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Macsam                   



A half-hearted nun, Sister Dwight,                          
Would sigh as she turned off the light,                     
"A man is taboo...                                          
And sex is to boo...                                        
And I am a boo-hoo tonight."                                
                                                            
46400 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Irving Superior     P8907



There once was a man from Verdun                            
Who tried to seduce a young nun.                            
She giggled and squealed                                    
Then turned on her heels,                                   
Saying, "I'm much too GOOD for you, son!"                   
                                                            
46401 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's a riddle -- a tough one, beware --                   
Avoid both delusion and snare...                            
What's a black and white frump                              
That goes bump, bump, bump?                                 
A tumbling nun on the stair.                                
                                                            
46402 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Deex         P8907



If it's a good Christian you seek,                          
Sister Barbara is humble and meek.                          
And if at High Mass                                         
You should fondle her ass,                                  
She is sure to turn the other cheek.                        
                                                            
46403 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Arthur Deex         P8309



A lecherous layman named Len                                
For toothsome young nuns had a yen.                         
Explaining his preference,                                  
He said with due deference,                                 
"Well, girls are more hole-y than men."                     
                                                            
46404 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Armand E Singer       139



Oh Damn!  For I had nearly written                          
A lim for my Valentine Kitten.                              
Her nocturnal habits                                        
Attract all the abbots                                      
And dopey old Popes who are smitten.                        
                                                            
46405 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Archie                   



A radical nun, feeling blocked,                             
Gave the Bishop good cause to be shocked,                   
When, during confession,                                    
She left the impression                                     
She'd like to go out and get frocked.                       
                                                            
46406 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Norm Storer         P9206



The Sisters of Faith, Hope, and Charity,                    
No longer require austerity.                                
They're wild and free                                       
And meet life with glee.                                    
They are now renowned for vulgarity.                        
                                                            
46407 NUNS - ZGENERAL                Marlene Lewis            



Then down from Ur of Chaldees,                              
Came old Abraham just big as you please.                    
With some goats, a few swine,                               
At least one concubine,                                     
Who could put a strong man on his knees!                    
                                                            
46408 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Well, Sarah, his wife had grown old.                        
Chance of having an offspring were cold.                    
She said, "Go, screw the maid                               
And don't be afraid.                                        
I'll be happy if it takes ahold!"                           
                                                            
46409 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Then Ishmal was born of that lay.                           
And it made old Abe happy and gay.                          
Now he had an heir.                                         
Sarah said, "I don't care,                                  
Just don't let 'em get in the way!"                         
                                                            
46410 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Now Ishmal, old Abe did anoint.                             
This pushed Sarah's nose out of joint.                      
She said, "This won't work,                                 
The kid is half Turk!                                       
And you seem to be missing the point."                      
                                                            
46411 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Old Sarah, she pouted and cried,                            
'Til an Angel showed up by her side.                        
He said, "Have I got some news!                             
You will mother the Jews."                                  
And old Sarah was fit to be tied.                           
                                                            
46412 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



She said, "Look, I am fourscore and ten.                    
As for screwing, I have long lost the yen."                 
Said the Angel, "Don't fret,                                
It will happen yet.                                         
So don't think of yourself as has been."                    
                                                            
46413 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Then spring came and old Sarah foaled,                      
And the Angel had made her quite bold.                      
She said, "Ab'ram, you jerk,                                
You must strip that Turk                                    
Of your blessing. It has been foretold."                    
                                                            
46414 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Old Abe said, "I'd rather be dead                           
That do this deed that's ahead!"                            
And then his first born                                     
Of his blessing was shorn,                                  
And 'twas given to Isaac instead.                           
                                                            
46415 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Ishmal figured he got the screw                             
When his Daddy anointed the Jew.                            
He said, "I'm damned mad,                                   
'Cause I've just been had.                                  
So to this damned country, adieu.!"                         
                                                            
46416 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Then off to the dessert he went,                            
Where he bought him a camel-hair tent;                      
Ten goats and a knife                                       
And a Bedouin wife;                                         
And figured it money well spent.                            
                                                            
46417 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Abe took Isaac up on a hill,                                
To a pile of rocks, for the kill.                           
God said, "Don't have a stroke,                             
It was only a joke!                                         
For your trouble, just send me the bill."                   
                                                            
46418 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Ish and Ike grew up bye and bye,                            
To be fruitful and multiply.                                
And as lusty young men,                                     
They produced lots of kin.                                  
But they never did understand why.                          
                                                            
46419 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Then Gabriel gave him a black stone,                        
In the Kaaba at Mecca it's shown.                           
"You'll walk seven times around                             
For it is Holy ground.                                      
Five or six times I will not condone.                       
                                                            
46420 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Now the Moslem has gone ever since                          
Down to Mecca, oft at great expense,                        
To revere that black stone,                                 
And their sins to atone,                                    
And to build up their self-confidence.                      
                                                            
46421 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



To the Jew the answer is simple;                            
They just pray at the wall of the Temple.                   
There their prayers are read,                               
As they pound on their head,                                
And put notes into each crack and dimple.                   
                                                            
46422 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



When descendants of the two brothers meet,                  
It most always will generate heat.                          
Jews will use gun and tank,                                 
To steal the West Bank.                                     
And anything else that looks neat.                          
                                                            
46423 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



The Jews said. "We got you a deal,                          
That is if this bargain we seal,                            
Give us all your good land,                                 
We'll leave you the sand                                    
And just maybe a little cold steel!"                        
                                                            
46424 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



But Allah says, "Rise up and fight!                         
Because what they're doing ain't right.                     
Their leader's a thief,                                     
Who will soon come to grief,                                
When we get him lined up in our sights!"                    
                                                            
46425 OLD TEST                       Bare Bones Book     P9409



Abraham got the word from above                             
To give his son, Isaac, a shove.                            
Should you say 'twas Ishmael                                
It's the Tel Aviv Jail --                                   
A lesson in brotherly love.                                 
                                                            
46426 OLD TEST                       Arthur Deex         P8209



If all men were equal... Ezekiel,                           
And if it were true that, "The meek will..."                
If men were as brothers...                                  
If do unto others...                                        
How lovely this Adam/Eve sequel.                            
                                                            
46427 OLD TEST                       Irving Superior     P9004



Albimelech!  Who could subdue him?                          
A lady of Thebez, to undo him,                              
Dropped a stone on his head.                                
The dying king said,                                        
"Kill me, men, lest they say, 'A girl slew him.'"           
(I assume it is the old testament?)                         
46428 OLD TEST                       Ron Ecker                



"I don't mind if a poem is demanding,"                      
Conceded a critic named Blanding,                           
"And I really am fond                                       
Of some works by Pound,                                     
But this piece passeth all understanding."                  
(Phil 4:7)                                                  
46429 OLD TEST                       A. N. Wilkins       P9004



On a clear day the Lord from on high                        
For a contact with Moses did try.                           
But he spoke with concern                                   
From a bush that did burn,                                  
For there wasn't a cloud in the sky.                        
                                                            
46430 OLD TEST                       Albin Chaplin       P9106



Young Joseph's new coat was real nice,                      
Bright colors and cheap at the price.                       
The coat was to take him                                    
To Egypt and make him                                       
As rich as Lloyd-Weber and Rice.                            
                                                            
46431 OLD TEST                       Cyril Mountjoy           



Poor Daniel returned to the den.                            
The lions, quite hungry by then..                           
(Please fill in the blanks)                                 
Then the lions gave thanks,                                 
For the Lord's most flavored of men.                        
                                                            
46432 OLD TEST                       Murky              TP9806



Amid the lions stands Daniel                                
And not in anguish does Dan yell                            
Or go berserk.  Instead                                     
"If they fare well," Dan said,                              
I'll not fare well, but will farewell."                     
                                                            
46433 OLD TEST                       Irving Superior     P8207



In biblical days there were men                             
Who could diddle again and again.                           
They didn't know science                                    
But in bed they were giants                                 
And the women would never say, "When!"                      
                                                            
46434 OLD TEST                       Neal Wilgus         P8207



"My daughter's a good girl indeed,                          
And I'm proud of her," said Mrs. Mead.                      
"Though last night it was late,                             
She came home from her date                                 
With a Gideon Bible to read."                               
                                                            
46435 OLD TEST                       A N Wilkins         P0211



Cried a pious young fellow, Pat Gagan,                      
"I'm in love with a sinuous pagan.                          
Her legs are just fine,                                     
But she cannot be mine,                                     
Till Golden Calves all, are forsaken."                      
                                                            
46436 OLD TEST                                                



A biblical party called Ham,                                
Cried, "Cuss it, I don't give a damn!                       
My father's yard measure                                    
I view with great pleasure,                                 
Such a bloody great battering ram!"                         
                                                            
46437 OLD TEST                                           L1430



When Haman would the Hebrews crush                          
Queen Esther cried, "Up Haman's tush!"                      
Well, anyway,                                               
On Purim Day                                                
The Hebrews feast on Hamantush.                             
                                                            
46438 OLD TEST                       Irving Superior     P8207



God created the earth and the heaven                        
Using firmament as His chief leaven;                        
Then he cried, "Fiat Lux!!                                  
GimMe whales; GimMe ducks;                                  
GimMe Ho-Jos and Seven-Eleven!"                             
                                                            
46439 OLD TEST                       Robin K. Willoughby P8409



The diary of Nathanial, ecclesiastical,                     
Is actual, true, honest, and factual,                       
It has proclivities exotic                                  
And activities erotic,                                      
Natural and unnatural (impractical).                        
                                                            
46440 OLD TEST                                                



There was an old man called Isiah,                          
Who foresaw the coming Messiah.                             
Jonah told tales                                            
Of life inside whales,                                      
And Moses set bushes on fire.                               
                                                            
46441 OLD TEST                       Richard Long             



In killing Sisera, young Jael                               
Wasn't worried. There wasn't a gaol                         
At that primitive site,                                     
Nor was there in sight                                      
A simple American jail.                                     
                                                            
46442 OLD TEST                       A. N. Wilkins       P9112



When Jael crept in to see Sisera,                           
She aimed a bit up from his kisser, her                     
Blow, as she said,                                          
Hit the nail on the head,                                   
And avoided much messier viscera.                           
                                                            
46443 OLD TEST                       Bill Greenwell           



Despondent and given to fits,                               
King Saul, at the end of his wits,                          
Was informed by a ghost                                     
That the Philistine host                                    
Would chop him, next day, into bits.                        
                                                            
46444 OLD TEST                       Old Test Made Easy  P0012



King Saul met defeat as he warred,                          
Was wounded, and couldn't afford                            
To let Philistines nab him.                                 
But no one would stab him,                                  
So he had to fall on his sword.                             
                                                            
46445 OLD TEST                       Ron Ecker                



When Lazarus rose from the dead,                            
He still couldn't function in bed.                          
"What good's Resurrection                                   
Without an erection?",                                      
Old Lazarus testily said.                                   
                                                            
46446 OLD TEST                       Anon                G2004



A merry old man was Methuselah;                             
At love, though, he's never a luselah.                      
His dick may be shrunken,                                   
But when he gets drunken,                                   
He'll grab a young girl and he'll gooselah.                 
                                                            
46447 OLD TEST                       Tiddy Ogg                



Dear Miss, didn't mean to malign                            
The likes of these ladies bovine.                           
I'm just bourgeoisie.                                       
Any good said of me,                                        
Is like casting (faux) pearls before swine.                 
                                                            
46448 OLD TEST                                                



Joseph led a real gourmet's life.                           
(Though he always ate peas with his knife.)                 
When the cook cried out, "Sir!                              
Try this great pot-au-feu,"                                 
Old Joseph tried Potiphar's wife.                           
                                                            
46449 OLD TEST                                                



All true believers understand                               
There was not other Promised Land.                          
While they the Red Sea walked,                              
Of Promised Land they talked,                               
But God had only promised sand.                             
                                                            
46450 OLD TEST                       Irving Superior     P9009



There once was a man named Joshua,                          
Whose followers cried out, "How posh you are!               
You really show class                                       
On your royal ass,--                                        
Which you ride as though he were Nashua.                    
                                                            
46451 OLD TEST                       Jim Jambor          P9009



Charles II was always in touch                              
And when biblical students and such                         
Would sometimes request                                     
The text he liked best,                                     
"Be not righteous," he said, "overmuch."                    
(Ecclesiastes 7:16)                                         
46452 OLD TEST                       A. N. Wilkins       P8605



An Old Testament king, Ebeneezer,                           
Had a cold-blooded wife, couldn't please her.               
Though you won't find a hint                                
In the Septuagint,                                          
He just must have made love in the freezer.                 
                                                            
46453 OLD TEST                       Armand E Singer       230



A daring young lady of Guam,                                
Observed, "The Pacific's so calm,                           
I'll swim out for a lark."                                  
She met a large shark;                                      
Let us now sing the Ninetieth Psalm.                        
                                                            
46454 OLD TEST                                                



From reading the Bible I saw,                               
In Solomon's life one big flaw,                             
For all of his wives,                                       
'Bout 905,                                                  
Each came with one mother-in-law.                           
                                                            
46455 OLD TEST                                                



Give a thought to the Empress of Sheba,                     
Who thought Solomon called her Mein Liebe.                  
She brought him wild asses,                                 
And grapes from Parnassus,                                  
Whilst he gave her--what?--heeba-jeeba.                     
                                                            
46456 OLD TEST                                           G0183



Sheba's queen was King Solomon's dream,                     
Though their love life was not what 'twould seem.           
For in those olden days,                                    
They had no scented sprays,                                 
And she smelled like the Yale football team.                
                                                            
46457 OLD TEST                                                



Old Solomon was a great Jew,                                
And was famous for all that he knew.                        
He could multiply seven                                     
By nine times eleven,                                       
And divide by the square of point two.                      
                                                            
46458 OLD TEST                                           P8207



Old King Solomon is admired lots                            
For his wisdom in dealing with tots,                        
And dividing two mothers                                    
Of contrasting 'druthers                                    
Into either the halves or halve nots.                       
                                                            
46459 OLD TEST                       Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



For Joshua it wasn't fun,                                   
And he thought that they'd never have done;                 
Telling every last fool                                     
Who attended the school                                     
That he was the son of a Nun.                               
(Numbers 13:16)                                             
46460 OLD TEST                       A. N. Wilkins       P8907



Explanations are often exotic                               
And maintained with a fierceness despotic.                  
Sollie's Song deals with God?                               
And the Church? My, how odd.                                
To me it seems merely erotic.                               
                                                            
46461 OLD TEST                       Isaac Asimov             



The people do not understand                                
For all they see is sand and sand.                          
No access road.  No lake.                                   
Not one foundation stake.                                   
"Good Lord! Is this the Promised Land?"                     
                                                            
46462 OLD TEST                       Irving Superior     P8207



When God cursed the Tower of Babel,                         
The artisans turned instant rabble.                         
When each tried to speak                                    
The result was all Greek                                    
To the rest - multi-national scrabble.                      
                                                            
46463 OLD TEST                       Arthur Deex         P8207



If you want to get closer to God,                           
Build a tower just like old Nimrod.                         
But make it more stable                                     
And if you are able,                                        
Top it off with a stout lightning rod.                      
                                                            
46464 OLD TEST                       Gary Hallock             



Read the message that's writ on the wall,                   
In fiery script ten feet tall,                              
And, in case Hebrew                                         
Is all Greek to you,                                        
I'll translate: It says Fuck You All!                       
(Mene mene tekel upharsin)                                  
46465 OLD TEST                                                



There's a man in the Bible portrayed                        
As one deeply engrossed in his trade.                       
He became quite elated                                      
Over things he created,                                     
Especially the women he made.                               
                                                            
46466 OLD TEST                                           L1585



When Belshazzar gave a great ball,                          
A hand wrote some words on the wall.                        
The Royal Committee                                         
For reading Graffiti                                        
Declared it made no sense at all.                           
                                                            
46467 OLD TEST                       Bob Maximoff        P9011



Belshazzar, from what I recall,                             
Was the first to object to the scrawl                       
Of graffiti artistes                                        
Interrupting his feasts,                                    
With their handwriting left on his wall.                    
                                                            
46468 OLD TEST                       Indiana Millwart         



In vain was Belshazzar's complaint,                         
Or a swift application of paint;                            
By the dawn he was dead --                                  
Wonder how? -- no one said.                                 
And the Israelites freed from restraint.                    
                                                            
46469 OLD TEST                       Indiana Millwart         



Said Eve, "When our world was begun,                        
And God's labors were finally done,                         
I and Adam were equal,                                      
I wasn't a sequel.                                          
We are told so in Genesis One.                              
                                                            
46470 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P9209



"I flatly and roundly deny                                  
That Adam is older than I.                                  
That tale of a rib                                          
Is an absolute fib,                                         
And Genesis Two is a lie."                                  
                                                            
46471 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P9209



"And as for that other old fable                            
That Cain, after murdering Abel,                            
Found a woman in Nod--                                      
That's an error, By God!                                    
In his genealogical table."                                 
                                                            
46472 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P9209



His first night, Adam said to his dear,                     
"Darling Eve, you had better stand clear.                   
Since touched by your hand,                                 
It's begun to expand,                                       
And I don't know how far 'twill uprear."                    
                                                            
46473 OLD TEST - ADAM                Isaac Asimov             



A gay rabbi said fervently, "We've                          
Made translations of what we believe                        
To be Genesis pure,                                         
And we found out for sure                                   
It's the story of Adam and Steve."                          
                                                            
46474 OLD TEST - ADAM                Don Moore           P9209



Our parents were Adam and Eve,                              
Which means we are asked to believe                         
That scumbags and mothers                                   
Are sisters and brothers.                                   
Oh, Adam!  Why did you conceive?                            
                                                            
46475 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior          



I'm not sure that the story's a fake.                       
Could be history has made a mistake.                        
But there is no dispute;                                    
Adam did eat the fruit.                                     
And we know that he did bare a snake.                       
                                                            
46476 OLD TEST - ADAM                Jim Weaver Collection    



Is this the same Eve who made Adam                          
So horny while watching his madam.                          
He took several hens,                                       
Goats and sheep from their pens,                            
To the Garden of Eden and had 'em?                          
                                                            
46477 OLD TEST - ADAM                                         



When God had seen Adam alone,                               
From his rib God made Eve fully grown.                      
But a serpent conned Eve                                    
And made Adam believe                                       
He'd have been better off with his bone.                    
                                                            
46478 OLD TEST - ADAM                Warrick Elrod            



The serpent's temptation brought strife                     
Into Adam and Eve's simple life.                            
Adam, when they began,                                      
Took his woes like a man --                                 
He blamed all of them on his wife.                          
                                                            
46479 OLD TEST - ADAM                A. N. Wilkins       P8409



Said God: "That's the fruit, I believe,                     
That I'm certain I told you to leave.                       
What led you to take                                        
The advice from a snake?"                                   
Said Adam, "I blame it on Eve."                             
                                                            
46480 OLD TEST - ADAM                Richard Long             



Said young Adam, while pulling each boot on,                
As he left Eve bereft on the fouton:                        
"Here's another fine fix                                    
That we're in, through your tricks;                         
Let The Serpent eat out your fig-newton!"                   
                                                            
46481 OLD TEST - ADAM                Allen Wolverton          



When Adam was long in the tooth,                            
He discovered Original Truth:                               
The indifference of time...                                 
The brief span of man's prime...                            
The fleet wings of the sweet bird of youth.                 
                                                            
46482 OLD TEST - ADAM                William N. Nesbit   P9602



Adam should have requested a trial,                         
Asked for witnesses for the espial,                         
Then in manifest fury                                       
Demanded a jury                                             
And appealed from the Judge's denial.                       
                                                            
46483 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P8501



Dear Adam and Eve: Hear our plea.                           
If you ever again chance to be                              
In Eden, take care!                                         
Of strangers beware!                                        
Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree.                             
(signed) The Andrew Sisters                                 
46484 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P9209



As hurriedly they left the gate,                            
Did Adam's figleaf fluctuate?                               
And when ten steps away,                                    
(The Bible does not say)                                    
Did Adam's figleaf stand out straight?                      
                                                            
46485 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P9209



Imagine the first thoughts of Eve                           
When Adam appeared, to perceive                             
His chuckling with mirth                                    
With the first hard on Earth                                
Her voluptousness helped him achieve.                       
                                                            
46486 OLD TEST - ADAM                Grand Prix Lim  532 P8207



Said Adam, "I hope you will pardon                          
My approaching you thus in the Garden,                      
But from seeing you there                                   
With your softness all bare,                                
I've got an unbearable hard-on."                            
                                                            
46487 OLD TEST - ADAM                Lance Payne         P9209



When Adam first looked upon Eve,                            
His eyesight he could not believe.                          
Much bigger in breast;                                      
Of pelvis, much less;                                       
The reason, he could not conceive.                          
                                                            
46488 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P9209



Adam owned the first set of balls,                          
Fuzzy ones that you can't buy in malls.                     
Do they have uses                                           
Our dumb Adam muses,                                        
Until into the garden Eve crawls.                           
                                                            
46489 OLD TEST - ADAM                Harry Rubin         P9209



Said Adam to Eve when they met,                             
"Please refrain for a moment, my pet.                       
For a part of me, here,                                     
Seems to grow as you near,                                  
And I fear just how large this might get."                  
                                                            
46490 OLD TEST - ADAM                Bob Giandomenico    P9209



When Adam first looked upon Eve,"                           
"Great dissimilarities we've.                               
The worst, I would say,                                     
We differ midway.                                           
The reason, I cannot conceive."                             
                                                            
46491 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P8312



Yes, Adam and Eve had a fight                               
Over which took the fatal first bite:                       
"Love, do you insinuate..."                                 
"Yes! that in sin you ate!"                                 
And thus they continued in spite....                        
                                                            
46492 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P9206



Said Adam sadly at the gate,                                
"Why was that angel so irate?                               
And why did he                                              
Repeatedly                                                  
Insinuate in sin you ate?"                                  
                                                            
46493 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P8207



Turning over a new leaf would pose                          
No problem for most, except those                           
Who, like the first Adam                                    
And his ambitious madam,                                    
Use only new leaves for their clothes.                      
                                                            
46494 OLD TEST - ADAM                                    P8207



Adam wasn't a man who'd deceive.                            
It's just that he didn't believe                            
He should stir up the fuss                                  
It would cause to discuss                                   
Sultry Lilith, his first wife, with Eve.                    
                                                            
46495 OLD TEST - ADAM                A. N. Wilkins       P9209



When of Adam and Eve, old Ms. Finder                        
Asked someone in class to remind her                        
How the couple were like                                    
Modern students, young Ike                                  
Asked, "Was it their good loose leaf binder?"               
                                                            
46496 OLD TEST - ADAM                A. N. Wilkins       P8508



Adam said, "It's the same everywhere.                       
These young kids go as far as the dare."                    
Eve remembered the time,                                    
Way back in their prime,                                    
When they hadn't a fig leaf to wear.                        
                                                            
46497 OLD TEST - ADAM                Neal Wilgus         P8407



"Adam, really, it's not such a crime,                       
And you're guilty too, just as I'm.                         
When we hadn't a care                                       
We sure did our share."                                     
What they did does not fit in this rhyme.                   
                                                            
46498 OLD TEST - ADAM                Neal Wilgus         P8407



If Adam had been unrequited                                 
Or Eve had remained unexcited,                              
The worst thing of all                                      
That then could befall:                                     
This limerick would never be writed.                        
                                                            
46499 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P9307



Curiosity caused as much strife                             
As jealousy in Eve's botched life.                          
Though she called him a skunk,                              
Unless he got drunk,                                        
Adam never discussed his first wife.                        
                                                            
46500 OLD TEST - ADAM                A. N. Wilkins       P8811



What made Adam, the first man, unique --                    
A kind of biological freak?                                 
He had no breast to suck on,                                
And no navel button.                                        
Created, not born, so to speak.                             
                                                            
46501 OLD TEST - ADAM                Caroline Donovan    P9804



Their own failings were largely the cause,                  
But a wretched existence it was.                            
Yet though ill the two fared,                               
One trial they were spared.                                 
Neither Adam nor Eve had in-laws.                           
                                                            
46502 OLD TEST - ADAM                A. N. Wilkins       P9209



For Adam, life was a treadmill;                             
'Twas boring and offered no thrill.                         
Every day the same beaver,                                  
The same wife, couldn't leave her;                          
There weren't other pussies to fill.                        
                                                            
46503 OLD TEST - ADAM                Dirruk                   



As a person can tell at this distance,                      
Eve succumbed to the serpent's insistence.                  
It wasn't her itch                                          
For the fruit, but his pitch.                               
She simply had no sales resistance.                         
                                                            
46504 OLD TEST - ADAM                A. N. Wilkins       P9209



"Abstention," said Adam to Eve,                             
"Means only we could not conceive                           
While still in the Garden,                                  
Where peckers don't harden,                                 
And you wore no skimpy fig leaf."                           
                                                            
46505 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P9708



If Eve hadn't eaten the apple,                              
Mankind would not have to grapple                           
With sin and temptation,                                    
And disapprobation                                          
From ladies who worship at Chapel                           
                                                            
46506 OLD TEST - ADAM                Wendy Cope               



Said Adam, "My dear, can't you see,                         
Were we wedded, how happy we'd be?                          
Without you I'm lonely!                                     
I swear you're the only                                     
One girl in the whole world for me!"                        
                                                            
46507 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P9209



A scenario based on the Bible                               
Where events we know are liable                             
To mention incest,                                          
Lewd Eve undressed,                                         
And permissible murder, if tribal.                          
                                                            
46508 OLD TEST - ADAM                Jim Jambor          P9012



"I've covered this thing that I poke                        
In you, Eve, with leaves," Adam spoke.                      
Laughed Eve, "That ain't fig                                
Leaves hidding your rig;                                    
You moron, you've used poison oak!"                         
                                                            
46509 OLD TEST - ADAM                Travis Brasell           



Finding God's taboos totalitarian,                          
Eve adopted a pose of 'San Fairy Ann',   (what's this??)    
Ate prohibited fruit,                                       
Made her mate follow suit,                                  
And left us all quite prolapsarian.                         
(prolapsarian - slipping down of a part of the body)        
46510 OLD TEST - ADAM                Basil Ransome-Davies     



Although it was a secret to keep,                           
The Church Father's suspicion was deep,                     
That before Eve's creation,                                 
To relieve his frustration,                                 
Adam frequently rogered the sheep.                          
                                                            
46511 OLD TEST - ADAM                A. N. Wilkins       P9209



"Bone of my bones," was Adam's decree.                      
Concrete term, no abstract thinker, he.                     
Were he romantic instead,                                   
He might well have said,                                    
"When I look within you, I find me!"                        
                                                            
46512 OLD TEST - ADAM                Limerick Bible      P9706



When the atom he split by his wit,                          
With uranium man made a big hit.                            
But it did not compare                                      
To the time Eve laid bare                                   
And Adam observed the first split.                          
                                                            
46513 OLD TEST - ADAM                Al Chaplin          P9209



The serpent, smooth, supple, and wily,                      
So subtle and sinister, slyly                               
Snaked out of the garden                                    
Without asking pardon,                                      
Triumphant, and smug, and so smiley!                        
                                                            
46514 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P9209



Adam and Eve in the garden...                               
Eve said, "Beggin' your pardon.                             
The fuit of the day                                         
Keeps the doctor away,                                      
But it causes some people to harden!"                       
                                                            
46515 OLD TEST - ADAM                Jane D. Hughes      P9209



"These fig leaves will calm down your nerves,               
And cover your sensuous curves,"                            
Said Adam to Eve                                            
While stitching a sleeve,                                   
"Thank heaven for what fig preserves!"                      
                                                            
46516 OLD TEST - ADAM                Travis Brasell           



I was thinking, while supping my soup,                      
That none of us here in this group                          
Would exist if old Adam                                     
Had said to Eve, "Madam,                                    
I fear I have terminal droop."                              
                                                            
46517 OLD TEST - ADAM                Peter Wilkins            



Claimed Adam, while sleeping, his rib                       
Was reworked to become (it's no fib)                        
A beautiful lass                                            
With chic and will class,                                   
But some think that his tale is too glib.                   
                                                            
46518 OLD TEST - ADAM                                    P8205



"Your Honor," a lawyer named Fitch,                         
"Were Adam and Eve ever hitched?                            
If they weren't, you're                                     
A bastard for sure!"                                        
His Honor: "You son of a bitch!"                            
                                                            
46519 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P8111



The story of Eden is funny,                                 
However, it's not "on the money."                           
When Eve saw the "snake,"                                   
She cried, "Gimme a break."                                 
Said Adam: "This ain't no snake, honey!"                    
                                                            
46520 OLD TEST - ADAM                John K. Roberts     P9211



From The Garden, expelled by The Chief,                     
Poor old Adam felt rage mixed with grief;                   
He said: "Eve, wretched wench:                              
You go live with the French;                                
I'll turn over, my dear, a new leaf!"                       
                                                            
46521 OLD TEST - ADAM                Allen Wolverton          



A biology Student Miss Rigg                                 
Was thrilled when she raised up a twig,                     
And a fat worm was there;                                   
But it didn't compare                                       
To the worm 'neath the leaf of a fig.                       
                                                            
46522 OLD TEST - ADAM                Albin Chaplin            



Young Adam said, "God, though it's fun,                     
All this wanking, you promised me one                       
With a hole for my pole.                                    
(Well you said it's more whole-                             
some.)"  Said God, "Here's a donut, my son."                
                                                            
46523 OLD TEST - ADAM                Peter Wilkins            



Adam and Eve in Eden, there lovered,                        
While nearby an insurance man hovered.                      
"Two people so smitten,                                     
Should be underwritten,"                                    
Said he, "For I see you're not covered."                    
                                                            
46524 OLD TEST - ADAM                Bob Giandomenico    P9407



When Adam first looked upon Eve,                            
He knew instantly how to deceive.                           
He approached and said, "Madam,                             
Remember me, Adam?                                          
We have met before, I believe?"                             
                                                            
46525 OLD TEST - ADAM                Laurence Perrine    P9209



Outside the gate Adam now stands,                           
Oppressed by urinary glands.                                
As he starts to pee,                                        
He sing triumphantly,                                       
"I've Got The Whole World In My Hands."                     
                                                            
46526 OLD TEST - ADAM                Irving Superior     P9209



"I'm not horny," said Adam. Some Fib!                       
So the Lord came and took out a rib.                        
Lies never do work,                                         
And Adam (the jerk)                                         
Started all of today's Women's Lib.                         
                                                            
46527 OLD TEST - ADAM                Theo M. Heller      P9209



Now Cain was a sower and reaper,                            
But Abel found keeping sheep cheaper,                       
And when God preferred lamb                                 
Over strawberry jam,                                        
Cain proved he was no brother's keeper.                     
                                                            
46528 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Laurence Perrine    P8903



There was a young fellow named Cain,                        
Who was wicked, perverse, and profane.                      
With the leg of a table,                                    
He slugged brother Abel,                                    
And shouted, "Remember the Maine!"                          
                                                            
46529 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN                                  



When Abel put meat, Cain fruit, on the table,               
And God preferred meat, Cain, unstable,                     
With his stout knotted cane                                 
Beat his brother's brain                                    
Thus enabled to disable Able.                               
                                                            
46530 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Laurence Perrine    P8903



Two brothers named Abel and Cain                            
Were the first sibling rivals, 'tis plain.                  
When Cain killed poor Abel                                  
For messing with Mabel,                                     
He was no longer prone to complain.                         
                                                            
46531 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Neal Wilgus         P8207



What occurred, we are led to assume,                        
Was that seeds that were cast in Eve's womb,                
Came to term as Man's bane                                  
In the person of Cain,                                      
Prototype of all evil and gloom.                            
                                                            
46532 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         William N. Nesbit   P9602



When Abel brought lamb to the feast,                        
And Cain's grain was liked by God least,                    
Cain, jealous, unstable,                                    
With one blow slew Abel.                                    
He strongly felt he had been fleeced.                       
                                                            
46533 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Laurence Perrine    P8903



When Cain in a fit of vexation,                             
Slew Abel, divine condemnation                              
Was swift and gave pain;                                    
If he tried it now, Cain                                    
Would likely get three years probation.                     
                                                            
46534 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Biblical Limericks  P9706



As a son, Cain was not all that hot,                        
But with him Adam bettered his lot.                         
For as wise rabbis say,                                     
When with Lilith he lay,                                    
It was demons which Adam begot.                             
                                                            
46535 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         A. N. Wilkins       P9209



When Cain killed Abel there began                           
The Great Unbrotherhood of Man.                             
And even worse                                              
Began the curse                                             
That's called the Me-First Survival Plan.                   
                                                            
46536 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Irving Superior     P8207



Cain and Abel were mother Eve's twosome.                    
Cain, a farmer, liked lettuce and grew some,                
While Abel kept sheep.                                      
God ranked keep about reap:                                 
Cain's murder of Abel was gruesome.                         
                                                            
46537 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Laurence Perrine    P8903



When Adam saw Eve, it was plain                             
He'd no longer have to refrain.                             
So he tried to lay cable                                    
When e'er he was able,                                      
But Jesus! She sure could raise Cain                        
                                                            
46538 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Jim Weaver Collection    



Eve and Adam together had lain                              
And produced a most fabulous twain.                         
Eve told Abel one night                                     
That to kill was not right,                                 
But somehow she forgot to tell Cain.                        
                                                            
46539 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Clifford M Christ   P0202



In Eden, B.C. (before cable)                                
Cuba was discussed at the table.                            
Adam said, "Again                                           
I'm going to raise cane."                                   
Eve replied, "I don't think you're able."                   
                                                            
46540 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Tom Patterson       P9602



The neighbors had cause to complain,                        
But their protests were always in vain,                     
There was never a riot,                                     
But things rarely were quiet,                               
What with Adam and Eve raising Cain.                        
                                                            
46541 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         A. N. Wilkins       P9209



Was Cain not the killer of Abel?                            
Or is that a biblical fable.                                
Did the children of Noah                                    
Watch floodwaters lower.                                    
Whilst building the Tower of Babel?                         
                                                            
46542 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Richard Long             



If Abel and Cain were to be                                 
Asked about their geneology,                                
"It began," they would say,                                 
"With a bit of foreplay                                     
'Neath the shade of the old apple tree."                    
                                                            
46543 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Evelyn Bogen        P9510



We learn from the Testaments that                           
Descendants of Adam begat                                   
And begat and begat                                         
And begat and begat                                         
And begat and begat and begat....                           
                                                            
46544 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN         Laurence Perrine    P8409



Supposing that Adam and Eve                                 
That day had obtained a reprieve -                          
We'd all now be squeezed in                                 
The Garden of Eden                                          
And rationed the air that we breathe.                       
                                                            
46545 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Irving Superior     P8207



A story with a different slant,                             
On Adam and Eve and the plant                               
With the forbidden fruit,                                   
And the serpent to boot,                                    
And the breaking of big G's command.                        
                                                            
46546 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



So Adam, he looked at this tree,                            
Saw the sign: "Private property."                           
Then Eve flashed her eyes,                                  
Caused his serpent to rise,                                 
As she said "Won't you give it to me?"                      
                                                            
46547 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



So eager was he for a fuck,                                 
In an instant that apple was plucked.                       
His dick ruled his head,                                    
Just as someone has said,                                   
And from paradise the two were then struck.                 
                                                            
46548 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



And so it has been through the ages,                        
A fair woman, a man's lust engages.                         
Be it Salome or Monica,                                     
In Washington or Salonika,                                  
Such scenes fill history book pages.                        
                                                            
46549 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



It's the ruin of many a man;                                
So many careers down the pan.                               
'Cause the flash of a tit                                   
Or that magical slit,                                       
Means abandoning the most careful plan.                     
                                                            
46550 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



So aim not for fortune or fame,                             
Life's pleasure is chasing the dame.                        
Say "Bugger the job!"                                       
And live like a slob;                                       
Spend you energy on Adam's great game.                      
                                                            
46551 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



The Dead Sea Scrolls de-classified                          
Will ancient mysteries confide --                           
To Eden, directions;                                        
The Red Sea bi-sections;                                    
With bagel recipes inside.                                  
                                                            
46552 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Irving Superior          



Adam said, "I was happy alone.                              
All this Eve does is nag, bitch and moan.                   
She has headaches all day,                                  
So please take her away                                     
And return, please, my missing rib bone."                   
                                                            
46553 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Bill Nesbit         P0205



With Adam from the Garden gone,                             
The Garden tried to linger on,                              
But was among                                               
The gardens hung                                            
That Hanging Day in Babylon.                                
                                                            
46554 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Irving Superior     P8207



Bible wonders just never have ceased.                       
Fact and fable are mixed and released.                      
By one thing I'm distressed                                 
Who stood out in the west                                   
So that God could put Eden out east?                        
                                                            
46555 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Albin Chaplin       P9105



My wife's in the garden, a-weedin',                         
And I am a hoein' and seedin'.                              
"Hey Adam," says she,                                       
"I'd much rather be                                         
Residin' back there in old Eden!"                           
                                                            
46556 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Brian Belge              



"Go ahead," retorts I with a slur.                          
"I don't think that God will concur."                       
She says, "For Christ's sake,                               
If it weren't for that snake,                               
From work we could happily abjure.                          
                                                            
46557 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Brian Belge              



And I'd have me an odorless fleur.                          
And neither of us would mature.                             
And you'd get some pussy galeure.                           
From me, your own virgin d'jour..."                         
"But dear," mutters I, "You're a wheure...!"                
                                                            
46558 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Brian Belge              



I was in my garden, a-weedin',                              
Swingin' my hoe and then seedin'.                           
"Oh no," says my wife,                                      
The bane of my life,                                        
"I'd rather," she sayd, "be in Eden."                       
                                                            
46559 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Brian                    



And then I would never be poor;                             
I'd have me an odorless fleur;                              
I'd never mature;                                           
I'd be virgin d'jour;                                       
But my love, says I, you're a wheur!                        
                                                            
46560 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Brian                    



While taking a trip through Sweden,                         
Jack discovered the Garden of Eden.                         
He ate of the fruit,                                        
And thought Eve was cute,                                   
Then watched Adam doing some weedin'.                       
                                                            
46561 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Anon                     



In the shade of the old apple tree,                         
My lady once whispered to me:                               
"Come love, eat this apple,                                 
Then we'll have a grapple."                                 
We did and the snake laughed with glee.                     
                                                            
46562 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



So that was the start of it all.                            
The church calls that day "Mankind's Fall."                 
But to trade paradise                                       
For something so nice,                                      
That wasn't a bad deal at all.                              
                                                            
46563 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



'Cause really, that Eden was tame.                          
I'd given each creature a name.                             
Then what was to do.                                        
If I'd not learned to screw,                                
Each day would have turned out the same.                    
                                                            
46564 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



For into each life rain must fall.                          
Pleasure unbounded must pall.                               
It's only the bad                                           
Makes you 'preciate the glad;                               
So hell, when you can, have a ball!                         
                                                            
46565 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Tiddy Ogg                



"Eden" is a fable at best.                                  
Just two begat all the rest?                                
The story doth amaze me.                                    
No wonder we're crazy,                                      
If we all are the product of incest!                        
                                                            
46566 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         John K. Roberts     P9211



The Bible claims God made it all,                           
From stars to insects that crawl.                           
But when He made Man,                                       
It all hit the fan;                                         
With the Serpent, the Apple, the Fall.                      
                                                            
46567 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Gifford Wherry           



Impeccable manners had Jeeves                               
When he butled at Adam and Eve's.                           
He'd hide in the garden                                     
To play with his hard-on,                                   
While sniffing a pile of her leaves.                        
                                                            
46568 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN                                  



Gay fundamental espirit                                     
Is reflected in Vatican III;                                
"God made, I believe,                                       
First Adam then Eve,                                        
And then that strange fruit in the tree."                   
                                                            
46569 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Martin Wellborn     P9009



When the snake crawled down out of the tree,                
Well, the symbol was phallic, you see.                      
The apple, they say,                                        
Had led them astray.                                        
There must have been two; you agree?                        
                                                            
46570 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Al Willis           P9602



Eve and Adam, expelled from their birthplace,               
Packed their fig leaves and moved to a worse place.         
They were forced to uproot                                  
'Cause they tasted the fruit.                               
But what Jerk put it there in the first place?              
                                                            
46571 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Worldling                



If one sees it as some people view it,                      
One sees that there's nothing much to it.                   
They said it was God                                        
Or a lowlier Sod                                            
That planted the seed of that fru-it.                       
                                                            
46572 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Brian Belge              



Dear eve, in her birthday suit,                             
Offered Adam the forbidden fruit.                           
Said God, "There's no pardon!                               
You must leave the garden.                                  
It's guarded by cherubs, so cute!                           
                                                            
46573 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         CM                       



They couldn't devise a disguise                             
To escape from God's all-seeing eyes.                       
Though they ran off and hid,                                
God knew what they did.                                     
Why, even His apples were spies.                            
                                                            
46574 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Laurence Perrine    P9209



Along came the serpent.  Don't wait!                        
You may eat of the fruit, I so state.                       
It does look so nice                                        
And it took just a trice.                                   
The damage was done!  They both ate.                        
                                                            
46575 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Christopher Goodwins     



In the story of Adam and Eve                                
Two sweet kids, though a little naive.                      
Curious - they ate,                                         
Thus sealing their fate.                                    
Yahweh, irate, insisted they leave.                         
                                                            
46576 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Lynn Mostafa             



You should properly read the bible;                         
To tasting apple our Adam was liable.                       
Since it was forbidden,                                     
Both were sent off to Eden;                                 
And this is our starting - quite tribal.                    
                                                            
46577 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN                                  



In the Garden of Eden, in grief,                            
There sat Eve with a need for relief.                       
Likewise Adam, so blue,                                     
Knowing not what to do --                                   
It was time to turn over a leaf.                            
                                                            
46578 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Albin Chaplin   3024-2975



Said young Adam, when both came to grief:                   
"Eve, you got us in Dutch with the Chief!                   
Wretched woman, begone!"                                    
"You know what?  From now on,                               
I'll turn over, my dear, a new leaf."                       
                                                            
46579 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Allen Wolverton          



"I'm sorry to be such a prig,                               
But DON'T dine with Satan, that pig.                        
If you really must munch                                    
On fruit for your lunch --                                  
Reach under my leaf for a fig!"                             
                                                            
46580 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Brian Belge              



When Eden was all lush and green,                           
Along came temptor VIPERINE.                                
And one little bite                                         
Destroyed the fine site,                                    
Which to man was nevermore seen.                            
                                                            
46581 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Chris Papa               



Alright now, there is some debate                           
If 'twas "apple" that God did create.                       
If you give a hoot,                                         
The scripture says 'fruit';                                 
What was it that they really ate?                           
                                                            
46582 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Observer                 



My intention is not here to preach,                         
But it could have been orange, fig, or peach.               
The facts I've supplied,                                    
So you can decide.                                          
And that is the end of my speech!                           
                                                            
46583 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Observer                 



It's helpful the story to neaten                            
'Cause Eve wasn't really a cretin,                          
But merely misheard                                         
Thinking God had averred                                    
That this was the Garden Of Eatin'.                         
                                                            
46584 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Hugh Clary               



Ashamed, they both hid, man and madam.                      
And the Lord God spake, "Where are you, Adam?"              
But that doesn't show                                       
That God didn't know.                                       
God knew--but not Eve or Adam.                              
                                                            
46585 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Arthur Deex         P9209



When Adam and Eve played in Eden,                           
Only boys came from all of their breedin'.                  
Well, maybe I'm dumb--                                      
Where'd the gals all come from?                             
Did one of their sons go to Sweden?                         
                                                            
46586 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN         Theo M. Heller      P9209



They're Irish, the original pair.                           
He looked down and said, "Oh hair."                         
Eve kept her cool                                           
And replied, "Oh tool,                                      
If you want fun, put it down there."                        
                                                            
46587 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tom Patterson       P9602



Said Eve as she reached for the Apple,                      
And prepared for the primordial grapple:                    
"With the proper sales talk,                                
Adam surely won't balk,                                     
For if anyone falls, why, that sap'll."                     
                                                            
46588 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                              G0007



A young man named Adam from Eden                            
Was never caught stealin' or speedin'.                      
Not one rule he broke,                                      
But started to choke                                        
When Eve on Adam's apple started feedin'.                   
                                                            
46589 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tony Burrell             



God first created young Eve,                                
The pinnacle of his achieve-                                
Ments.  None could surpass                                  
This fine piece of ass,                                     
"She needs though, a mate, I believe."                      
                                                            
46590 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



"Now Eve, you're too precious, I'm bound                    
To say, to go tilling the ground,                           
And other such labor.                                       
I'll make you a neighbor,                                   
From this brainless ape that I found."                      
                                                            
46591 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



"He'll be bigger  and faster and stronger                   
Than you, and work for much longer.                         
He'll think he's the greatest,                              
'Cause I made him latest,                                   
But baby, he couldn't be wronger."                          
                                                            
46592 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



"I'll give to that fellow a fetish,                         
So Eve, if he starts to get pettish,                        
Just a flash of your breasts                                
(That's those lumps on your chest,)                         
Will keep him in order, you bet-ish."                       
                                                            
46593 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



"I'll give him two balls and a penis.                       
And if he begins to get mean, as                            
He will, give a squeeze,                                    
Then he'll come round with ease,                            
(I think that's a piece of pure genius.)"                   
                                                            
46594 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



"But just let him think he's the boss,                      
A bit of pride's all that you've lost,                      
He'll work night and day,                                   
And you'll get his pay,                                     
For now and again a quick toss."                            
                                                            
46595 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



Pretty young Eve in her BOWER,                              
When Adam arrived, began to cower.                          
Saw trouble's root,                                         
Ate "Forbidden Fruit",                                      
Then more than the apples went sour.                        
                                                            
46596 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Chris Papa               



A lady named Eve wasn't heedin'                             
Or didn't know much about readin'.                          
She ignored a clear sign                                    
That said, "Here Do Not Dine",                              
And got her ass thrown out of Eden.                         
                                                            
46597 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Elrod Warrick       P9706



Now Adam was tempted by Eve,                                
And he was quite eager to cleave.                           
So they went to bed,                                        
And Eve wisely said,                                        
"Let's cap it so I don't conceive."                         
                                                            
46598 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Al Willis           P9602



When sex on Eve started to pall,                            
A dress she made, Adam to stall,                            
Of leaves, wove contiguous.                                 
"I hope they're deciduous,"                                 
Cried Adam, "I'll wait for the fall."                       
                                                            
46599 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



Said Eve, "No ifs, ands, or buts;                           
Now eat my sweet apple, you putz!"                          
"I'll make you a deal,"                                     
Said Adam, genteel,                                         
"I'll eat it -- if you'll eat my nuts!"                     
                                                            
46600 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Travis Brasell           



In Genesis, Adam's the winner,                              
Whilst Eve is denounced as the sinner                       
For the fruit that she brings.                              
That's how men see things;                                  
He blames her when she brings home dinner.                  
                                                            
46601 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Bill Greenwell           



Strange subjects, oh my, how we've had 'em.                 
Who's first now the mister or madam?                        
When it comes to the act                                    
We believe it's a fact,                                     
That Eve always comes before Adam.                          
                                                            
46602 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tom Patton          P0205



When Adam first met up with Eve                             
He said, "I can't laugh up my sleeve,                       
But to me you look queer,                                   
When you bring me my beer,                                  
And funnier still when you leave."                          
                                                            
46603 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          William K. Alsop    P9504



"I'll now persuade you to sin.                              
And now is the time to begin."                              
Adam's arms were outspread                                  
And quickly Eve said,                                       
"It's OK, I give up, dear, you win."                        
                                                            
46604 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Al Willis           P9602



Original Sin, more or less,                                 
Is a source of much mental distress;                        
But there's something much worse--                          
It's Original Curse,                                        
Which, according to Eve's, PMS!                             
                                                            
46605 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          William N. Newbit   P9602



When Eve said, "Oh give me a break,"                        
She had in her mind to partake                              
Of a zesty young phallus,                                   
Without any malice,                                         
So she firmly grabbed hold of the snake.                    
                                                            
46606 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Al Willis           P9602



Eve wanted a man who would spoil                            
A girl who did not like to toil;                            
"I know nothing of cooking,                                 
But am quite tasty looking,                                 
And can always bring men to a boil.                         
                                                            
46607 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Bill Backe-Hansen   P8311



When Adam saw Eve in her figleaf, he                        
Compared it to Eve in her nudity.                           
And said, "It's my belief,                                  
Since now it must be leaf,                                  
I'll learn to adore her fig-ura-tive-ly.                    
                                                            
46608 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Irving Superior     P8802



I created my Adam so pure;                                  
Then came Eve and she wiggled her lure.                     
Think it's fair here to mention,                            
Sex is Eve's own invention;                                 
Mortals failed to develop a cure.                           
                                                            
46609 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



Will you come to the Animal Fair?                           
All the birds and the beasts will be there."                
Thus man to his madam.                                      
Eve answered, "But Adam,                                    
I haven't a thing I can wear."                              
                                                            
46610 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Laurence Perrine    P9209



What caused Adam's fall that grim day                       
Wasn't apples, philosophers say.                            
Old Nick caught the pair                                    
With a more potent snare.                                   
He dressed Eve in a sheer negligee.                         
                                                            
46611 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          A. N. Wilkins       P8802



Our cunning old grandmother Eva                             
As adept with wit as with cleaver,                          
When she saw Grandpa Adam                                   
And knew that he had 'em,                                   
Made sure that he'd never deceive her.                      
                                                            
46612 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                              P8207



Poor Adam saw his new found gain,                           
Soon sang him a doleful refrain,                            
And caused him to grieve,                                   
When his wifey Eve,                                         
Learned convenient headaches to FEIGN.                      
                                                            
46613 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Chris Papa               



The Lord said to Adam, "Beget!"                             
And Adam said "Yessir, you bet.                             
I'll do it at once,                                         
But I can't find no cunts.                                  
You ain't made a gal for me yet."                           
                                                            
46614 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Eva Bekker               



The Lord then made Eve, you know,                           
And then she was ordered to show                            
(As she was Adam's wife)                                    
Him the bright side of life,                                
And the place where his toy had to go.                      
                                                            
46615 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Eva Bekker               



God must have a great sense of humor.                       
Thought man would need a close roomer.                      
Took a rib out of Adam                                      
And then called it Madame;                                  
'Twas the start of the female consumer.                     
                                                            
46616 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tom Patton          P0306



Fig leaf clad and feeling downhearted,                      
From Adam, Eve almost had parted.                           
But an idea was born;                                       
She flattered his horn;                                     
That's how apple-polishing started.                         
                                                            
46617 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Jane D. Hughes      P9209



Eve said, "God, I'm reluctant to say,                       
But your first man, Ramone, may be gay.                     
He avoids sex with me                                       
And he sits down to pee."                                   
God agreed, and made Adam next day.                         
                                                            
46618 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Bill Nesbit         P0205



While Adam was sleeping, God snuck up,                      
With no ether, from Adam God took up                        
The stuff for a wife,                                       
And then gave it life.                                      
Thus Adam was wed when he woke up.                          
                                                            
46619 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Silvia S Crockett   P0104



In the Garden of Eden way back,                             
Eve picked up the dope-peddling knack.                      
She tricked Adam real quick                                 
With the leaf-dropping trick,                               
And she gave him his first taste of crack.                  
                                                            
46620 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Albin Chaplin       P9602



God made Adam of mud, that's no fib,                        
But for Eve, He was prone to ad lib.,                       
For with skilful dissectomy                                 
He performed a ribectomy,                                   
And pronounced them both Adam and Rib.                      
                                                            
46621 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Al Chaplin          P0105



There was an old fellow named Knute,                        
Who knew Hell was the end of his route.                     
He committed each sin                                       
With a satisfied grin,                                      
Thanking Heaven that Eve ate the fruit.                     
                                                            
46622 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Warrick Elrod            



Adam wanted us all to believe,                              
Original sin he didn't conceive;                            
So when the time came,                                      
To apportion the blame,                                     
Just like a man, he blamed Eve.                             
                                                            
46623 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Jim Menger          P9206



Well, God said to Adam "Look, son.                          
In this world there's much work to be done,                 
So I'll make you a bimbo,                                   
With her legs all akimbo,                                   
You'll surely get plenty of fun."                           
                                                            
46624 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



When done, you can say `As a perk,                          
I'll let you do all the housework',                         
She'll cook and she'll sew,                                 
And will look after yo'                                     
'Til you're ready for yet one more firk.                    
                                                            
46625 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



A greedy young lady of Eden,                                
On apples was quite fond of feedin'.                        
She gave one to Adam                                        
Who said, "Thank you, madam,"                               
And then they were kicked out of Eden.                      
                                                            
46626 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Eve and Adam were kicked out of Paradise                    
And developed a really big flair for vice.                  
The two would get rowdy                                     
And make apple pandowdy                                     
And then sit there and eat it and swear it's nice.          
                                                            
46627 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Don Moore           P0205



When God made man on that day                               
Of this creation, he cried nay!                             
Woman, thus born                                            
And the god, then did scorn                                 
The man; I shall leave as her prey.                         
                                                            
46628 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



Adam was surprisingly glib                                  
When he discovered he'd lost a rib;                         
"I just can't conceive                                      
How to use Eve,                                             
But I sure like the cut of her jib!"                        
                                                            
46629 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Charles Barsotti    P8207



Our Eve was quite naughty and crude;                        
She liked all her men to be nude.                           
She gave them great head,                                   
And then when she bled,                                     
She loved to be anally screwed.                             
                                                            
46630 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



When Eve went to bathe in the stream,                       
Adam saw her, and started to scream.                        
God said "Calm down,                                        
The lady won't drown...                                     
But we'll never get all those fish clean!"                  
                                                            
46631 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Evelyn L                 



Adam, before William Gibbs,                                 
Had free energy stored in his ribs.                         
One day it let loose                                        
When God put it to use                                      
To make Eve, and begin Women's Lib.                         
                                                            
46632 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



When Adam decided to ball her,                              
Eve thought he would be an enthraller.                      
As he pulled it out,                                        
She said, with a pout,                                      
"Here, wear this fig leaf that is smaller."                 
                                                            
46633 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Jim Weaver Collection    



I created my Adam so pure,                                  
Then came Eve and she wiggled her lure.                     
It is fair here to mention                                  
Sex is her invention;                                       
Mortals failed to develop a cure.                           
                                                            
46634 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Ulla                     



"With whom," wondered Eve, "can I tarry                     
Or have me some fun 'fore I marry?                          
It seem (just my luck)                                      
That with Adam I'm stuck...                                 
How I wish there was Tom, Dick or Harry.                    
                                                            
46635 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Peter Wilkins            



In the Garden of Eden man's fate                            
Was settled when Eve took the bait.                         
But it wasn't the apple,                                    
With which Eve had to grapple,                              
It was Adam's banana she ate.                               
                                                            
46636 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Albin Chaplin 3024  P8511



Of the serpent's beguilment, be wary,                       
For original sin is quite hairy!                            
For the fruit that begot                                    
Man's troubles was not                                      
Eve's apple, but rather her cherry!                         
                                                            
46637 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Stu Lucas           P9512



So Eve boffed the serpent, bore Cain;                       
Thence sprang the criminally insane;                        
The source of great tears                                   
Through these many years.                                   
Whence else could come Saddam Hussein.                      
                                                            
46638 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Tiddy Ogg                



In fact, it was Eve had the boobs,                          
Which is known to us all, 'cept the rubes;                  
And with Adam's small size,                                 
Though he'd pray to the skies,                              
There was none but the snake in her pubes.                  
                                                            
46639 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



Said Eve to her Adam, "You're through!                      
When the Lord operated on you,                              
He took more than a rib                                     
And it isn't a fib,                                         
That the snake's even better than you."                     
                                                            
46640 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Theo Heller         P9209



Eve spoke unto God in the garden:                           
"What do you mean Adam can harden?                          
He looks such a fool                                        
A-sportin' that tool!"                                      
**Of course, dear, I do beg your pardon!**                  
                                                            
46641 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



So God made it limp as a sole                               
And then She gave Eve the control                           
Of that little knob.                                        
And we've had the job                                       
Since then of controlling the pole.                         
                                                            
46642 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



The first clothes designer was Eve.                         
"Just what shall I wear when I leave?"                      
The figleaf was there                                       
But few were aware                                          
One half of a snake was a sleeve.                           
                                                            
46643 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Irving Superior     P9703



Was Adam the first man to fart?                             
Or did Eve give the fart its first start?                   
Was not keeping it in,                                      
The very first sin?                                         
Or was it thought good to impart?                           
                                                            
46644 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



Farting is such a great pleasure,                           
I do it myself to some measure!                             
But maybe the first,                                        
Its loss is the worst;                                      
'Twould be a historical treasure!                           
                                                            
46645 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE                                   



Adam made love to Eve in a dell,                            
Then the Lord came and Eve ran pell mell.                   
In her terror to flee                                       
She leapt into the sea,                                     
And that is why fish have that smell.                       
                                                            
46646 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          Bob Giandomenico    P9209



When He was questioned by Eve, God told her                 
"Yes, Adam was first and he's older.                        
If I made you, madam,                                       
And then I'd made Adam,                                     
You'd have been kibbitzing over my shoulder."               
                                                            
46647 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE          H Myer             TP9804



On her Apple, Eve checked with the gang                     
To determine who'd have the first bang.                     
But Adam, he knew                                           
Who would get the first screw,                              
For he was the one with the Wang.                           
(Apple computer, Wang Computer)                             
46648 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin       P9602



The Garden of Eden was grand;                               
It's where Adam and Eve took a stand.                       
Their stay's interrupted                                    
As they were corrupted,                                     
When he got the lay of the land.                            
                                                            
46649 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Tom Patterson       P9602



To all who Genesis believe--                                
Naive was Adam when nigh Eve.                               
But once outside the gate--                                 
A world to populate--                                       
Nigh Eve was Adam not naive.                                
                                                            
46650 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Irving Superior     P9209



As Adam and Eve lay in the sand,                            
He fondled her hair, each strand.                           
When he searched her bod,                                   
She cried out, "Oh God!                                     
You have everything well in hand."                          
                                                            
46651 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Tom Patterson       P9602



A mathematician named Reeves                                
Said the first sixty-nine, he believes,                     
In Eden occurred                                            
And it was, he averred,                                     
Simultaneous consumption of leaves.                         
                                                            
46652 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Al Chaplin          P9209



Back in the days of old Adam,                               
The grass served as mattress for madam.                     
And they spent the whole day                                
On the sex that today                                       
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.          
                                                            
46653 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING                         G0003



His ardor, young Adam would slake,                          
If Eve he'd be able to take.                                
They nestled with ease                                      
Beneath the tall trees,                                     
'Twas then she complained of headache.                      
                                                            
46654 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Sat Adam and Eve in the garden.                             
When Adam saw Eve's legs a partin',                         
He got a hard dickie,                                       
Then had his first quickie,                                 
And that's how we all got our startin'.                     
                                                            
46655 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Bob Leclerc              



Back in Eden on that fateful day                            
God: "Where's Eve?" To which Adam did say:                  
"Sex surpasses my dream,                                    
Now Eve's down in the stream."                              
God: "Damn. The fish will all smell that way."              
                                                            
46656 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Rick Kaplowitz      P9706



Adam whispered to Eve, with a grin,                         
"Let us lie in the grass, skin to skin.                     
Let me put mine in yours                                    
And we'll see what occurs                                   
When we practice Original Sin."                             
                                                            
46657 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     William N. Nesbit   P9602



It seems Eve just would not go astray,                      
And then Adam became quite risque.                          
"The apples we stole                                        
Have now sullied our soul,                                  
So we might as well roll in the hay."                       
                                                            
46658 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Al Willis           P9602



In Eden lay Adam concerned,                                 
That new outlets for pleasure be learned.                   
But the man was a gent                                      
For the guy really meant:                                   
"We'll be certain no leaf is unturned."                     
                                                            
46659 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin       P9505



"Of apples," God warned them, "be wary.                     
They can make situations quite hairy."                      
But I doubt that's the fruit                                
That gave them the boot;                                    
More likely 'twas only a cherry.                            
                                                            
46660 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Men of science have worked in collusion                     
To bring hydrogen bombs to conclusion.                      
But the Big Blast was second,                               
For the first, we have reckoned,                            
Was when Adam with Eve lay in fusion.                       
                                                            
46661 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin            



And then there's the one about Eve                          
Who never had tricks up her sleeve.                         
Of course she was nude                                      
When old Adam screwed --                                    
The original trick, I believe.                              
                                                            
46662 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Neal Wilgus         P8207



If in Eden he didn't once make                              
His woman nor ever partake                                  
Of sexual play,                                             
As some preachers say,                                      
Adam certainly owed one to the snake.                       
                                                            
46663 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     A. N. Wilkins       P9209



I've a theory I'd like to propound.                         
It was not, as some scholars have found,                    
The apple aglow,                                            
On the tree that brought woe                                
To the world, but that pair on the ground.                  
                                                            
46664 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     John Ciardi              



Now the serpent was wily and crafty,                        
And he moved upon Eve very deftly.                          
He said, "Put it in!"                                       
And there began sin.                                        
It was then that thing really got nasty.                    
                                                            
46665 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Now that Adam's been given a mate,                          
He begins by exploring his date.                            
Where her torso adjoins                                     
He discoveres some loins,                                   
And the ribbing she gives him feels great!                  
                                                            
46666 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



This movie takes courage and pluck                          
But Disney could use Donald Duck,                           
Where the Lord in His majesty                               
(This won't be a travesty)                                  
Shows Adam the right way to fuck.                           
                                                            
46667 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Phil Cannibal       P9012



Having watched other animals mating,                        
Adam found his own solace while waiting.                    
So God promised a woman                                     
To this first horny human,                                  
If the poor sod would stop masturbating.                    
                                                            
46668 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     A. N. Wilkins       P9209



"Good God!  What a terrible flap'll                         
Be caused by that one bite of apple."                       
Said the Lord, but that frolic                              
Was sex (quite symbolic)                                    
That's not shown in the old Sistine Chapel.                 
                                                            
46669 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Isaac Asimov             



When Adam first came across Eve,                            
He said, "We, I would say, are naive.                       
I don't give a hoot                                         
About eating the fruit,                                     
And I say we should try to conceive."                       
                                                            
46670 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Al Willis           P9602



Adam and Eve were instructed to                             
Propagate, what should they do?                             
They had to wait                                            
For a later date,                                           
Till Archimedes invented the screw.                         
                                                            
46671 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Tom Patterson       P9602



When Eve Adam first tried to make,                          
He found it was no piece of cake.                           
So though it seemed odd,                                    
Adam beseeched his God,                                     
"Please tell me, Lord, what's a headache?"                  
                                                            
46672 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING     Jane D. Hughes      P9209



A Sunday school teacher from Quorn                          
By Bathsheba and David were torn.                           
Should she laud the behavior                                
Of these roots of Our Savior                                
Or denounce the whole story as porn?                        
                                                            
46673 OLD TEST - DAVID               A. N. Wilkins       P8611



King Solomon in Sheba's bower                               
Will wash and rinse her for an hour.                        
But Dave, his dad,                                          
Less patience had -                                         
He helped Bathsheba take a shower.                          
                                                            
46674 OLD TEST - DAVID               Irving Superior     P8207



To David, Goliath doth crieth,                              
"How dare you to challenge Goliath?                         
And why dost thou stay                                      
A stone's throw away?"                                      
How quiet Goliath doth lieth.                               
                                                            
46675 OLD TEST - DAVID               Irving Superior          



How quiet Goliath doth lieth.                               
Just moments before he had crieth,                          
"Yon David I'll slay                                        
But why doth he stay                                        
A stone's throw away from Goliath.                          
                                                            
46676 OLD TEST - DAVID               Irving Superior     P8207



God said, "David, did you smite Goliath                     
With a rock and your sling?  For he dieth."                 
David said, "That's my sling,                               
But I loaned Jeb the thing."                                
God said, "David, I think that you lieth."                  
                                                            
46677 OLD TEST - DAVID               William N Nesbit    P0209



You do have your myths in a twitht.                         
Old Goliath he never got pithed.                            
He was thtone cold thober                                   
When Dave knocked him over.                                 
(Dave aimed for hith jewelths but mithed)                   
                                                            
46678 OLD TEST - DAVID               Ericka                   



Goliath was known for ferocity.                             
An expert in every atrocity,                                
But was knocked in a heap                                   
By a boy who kept sheep,                                    
A victim of teenage precocity.                              
                                                            
46679 OLD TEST - DAVID               Frank Richards           



Young David was hung like a bull.                           
To his girl he said, "Here, have a pull."                   
But she had just eaten,                                     
Samuel's meat she'd just beaten.                            
And she said, "Not just now, I'm still full."               
                                                            
46680 OLD TEST - DAVID               Neal Wilgus         P8207



Once I read in an old tattered book,                        
How David, a shepherd boy, took                             
On giant Goliath,                                           
And if it's no lieth,                                       
He got that bloke to sling his hook.                        
                                                            
46681 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



So David's boss-man, name of Saul,                          
Said "Stone the crows, Jack, was that all,                  
You needed, plus luck,                                      
To fell that big schmuck.                                   
Come on lad, and we'll now have a ball."                    
                                                            
46682 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



"Ogg, you're getting the name wrong!", you cry.             
"No, leaving escape routes," say I,                         
For giant-killer Jack,                                      
Is one devious way back,                                    
When this dubious tale goes awry.                           
                                                            
46683 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



At the feast Dave says "I beg your pardon,                  
King Saul, but I'm getting a hard on.                       
Is that chick your daughter?                                
She looks just the sorta                                    
Gal who'd go well in the garden."                           
                                                            
46684 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



"That'll cost you," says Saul, "Many sows and               
Piglets, sheep and several cows and                         
A great many kine...                                        
No, zap Philistines,                                        
And bring me some foreskins, a thousand."                   
                                                            
46685 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



Dave thinks this a damned strange request,                  
But off he goes at Saul's behest,                           
And to Philis does say                                      
"Will you give away                                         
Your todger-cowls?"  They're not impressed.                 
                                                            
46686 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



To his amazement, the Phils are resistant,                  
But our Davey, forever persistent,                          
And a man of few words,                                     
Just hacks off their pork swords,                           
And into a cart throws their pistons.                       
                                                            
46687 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



The reasoning for this strange mission,                     
From Saul was a total omission.                             
The answer of course is,                                    
They're all hung like horses,                               
And providing too much competition.                         
                                                            
46688 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



So he travels on home with his booty,                       
On the way, meeting many a cutie,                           
Who whimpers and wails,                                     
O'er these Philistine tails,                                
With which they'll no more do their duty.                   
                                                            
46689 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



So Saul Gives his girl as Dave's wife,                      
And he leads her a hell of a life,                          
With his battles and fights,                                
And the carnal delights                                     
In the whore house on Saturday night.                       
                                                            
46690 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



Well my Ermintrude's starting her  yelling,                 
And although there's a lot more for telling,                
Of how he put the bite                                      
On Uriah Hittite,                                           
I'd better go give her my swelling.                         
                                                            
46691 OLD TEST - DAVID               Tiddy Ogg                



When David had counted the throng                           
A noxious disease came along,                               
From Jaweh's own hand,                                      
Decimating the land,                                        
So the census results were all wrong.                       
(Samuel 24:15)                                              
46692 OLD TEST - DAVID               A. N. Wilkins       P8512



The bath of Bathsheba, for certain,                         
Caused David the King some big hurtin';                     
But David repented                                          
And then he invented                                        
The rod to hold a shower curtain.                           
                                                            
46693 OLD TEST - DAVID               Travis Brasell           



Goliath was killed by the rock                              
Of David, who said with much shock:                         
"Oh, I'm feeling shame,                                     
'Twas such a poor aim;                                      
I hit his damn head -- not his cock!"                       
                                                            
46694 OLD TEST - DAVID               Travis Brasell           



A rock on the cock causes shock,                            
But if you're desiring to knock                             
His head off his shoulder,                                  
You need a great boulder,                                   
The size of a huge concrete block.                          
                                                            
46695 OLD TEST - DAVID                                        



Goliath was taller and fatter,                              
Than those he intended to batter.                           
But David stayed calm,                                      
He composed a quick psalm,                                  
And show them that size doesn't matter.                     
                                                            
46696 OLD TEST - DAVID               Richard Long             



So David, the youngest of three,                            
Accepted his challenge.  And he                             
With sling aimed at forehead,                               
Just killed the guy stone dead;                             
Beheaded him for all to see!                                
                                                            
46697 OLD TEST - DAVID               Christopher Goodwins     



Of Goliath now will I sing:                                 
The giant who was slain by a sling.                         
He was killed by a stone,                                   
Which was quite nicely thrown                               
By David, who later was king.                               
                                                            
46698 OLD TEST - DAVID               Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



The Lord spake with a tone of affection                     
And for Passover gave His direction.                        
"I have made this provision--                               
All must have circumcision--                                
So prepare for a short-arm inspection."                     
                                                            
46699 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Albin Chaplin       P9104



Long before the affair at the stable,                       
This advice came from God--it's no fable:                   
"When the dinner bell rings                                 
Show your circumcised things,                               
Or do not take a seat at my table."                         
                                                            
46700 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Albin Chaplin       P9104



Said Moses to God, "If I go                                 
And I speak with God's voice, will folks know?              
Said God, in a jam,                                         
"I AM THAT I AM --                                          
Just tell them I am told you so."                           
                                                            
46701 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Phil Cannibal       P9103



From a cloud the good Lord had a yearning                   
To reach Moses on matters concerning                        
I BE THAT I BE,                                             
But no cloud could He see.                                  
So he spake from a bush that was burning.                   
                                                            
46702 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Albin Chaplin       P9103



Moses, who did not think quick,                             
Showed the people his leprotic prick.                       
When he showed it again                                     
It was healthy, amen!                                       
And the people knew God did the trick.                      
                                                            
46703 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Albin Chaplin       P9104



To Moses God gave His advice                                
That ventriloquist tricks would suffice.                    
But Moses was numb                                          
And terribly dumb                                           
That the Lord had to lecture him twice.                     
                                                            
46704 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Albin Chaplin       P9105



Zipporah appeared somewhat miffed                           
That her Moses with God had a rift.                         
So she took a sharp stone,                                  
Circumcised her son's bone,                                 
And the foreskin was God's bloody gift.                     
                                                            
46705 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Albin Chaplin       P9103



To the ground Moses threw down a rod                        
And a snake did appear on the sod.                          
Then a frog he did kiss                                     
And a prince came from this,                                
Which proves the existence of God.                          
                                                            
46706 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Albin Chaplin       P9104



God told Moses to strike up the band                        
And show people his leprous right hand.                     
Then with artful finesse                                    
He would cure the whole mess                                
Proving God was the King of the land.                       
                                                            
46707 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Phil Cannibal       P9104



God told Moses to start telling quips.                      
In defense Moses said, "I make slips                        
And my tongue often fails--                                 
I could tell better tales                                   
If I only had circumcised lips."                            
                                                            
46708 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Phil Cannibal       P9104



"Though the mind," declared Pharoah, "recoils               
From the painful afflictions and broils                     
Which the Hebrew priest wrought,                            
The most loathsome, I thought,                              
Were the festering blains and the boils."                   
(Exodus 9:10)                                               
46709 OLD TEST - EXODUS              A. N. Wilkins       P8512



They marched seven days 'round the walls,                   
And cheered, and blew their trumpet calls.                  
The people went hoarse                                      
With their shouting, of course,                             
Till Bang!  Crash!  Old Jericho falls!                      
                                                            
46710 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Christopher Goodwins     



Ruth stood 'midst the alien corn;                           
She's homeless and looks so forlorn.                        
Then over the hill                                          
She sees with a thrill                                      
Young Joshua blowing his horn.                              
                                                            
46711 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Tiddy Ogg                



They claim that horn fells walls and doors,                 
And smites the Philistine (w)hordes.                        
That may be a fable                                         
But one thing it's able                                     
To do is make Ruth drop her drawers.                        
                                                            
46712 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Tiddy Ogg                



As stated, here I will not trouble                          
To tell you of walls turned to rubble,                      
But one thing I'm sure of,                                  
Young Ruth wanted more of                                   
That treatment she got in the stubble.                      
                                                            
46713 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Tiddy Ogg                



It all came to an immediate halt,                           
When Ruth became a pillar of salt.                          
While no one could dick her,                                
At least they could lick her;                               
'Twas all horny young Joshua's fault.                       
                                                            
46714 OLD TEST - EXODUS              John Henry               



When Moses gave Pharoah a "nix",                            
Pharoah said, "That, me off, it sure ticks.                 
Now Moses, my pigeon,                                       
You should stick to religion;                               
Keep your nose out of my politics."                         
                                                            
46715 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Limeric Bible       P9706



Down the Nile, a-tisket, a-tasket;                          
Moses in a small wicker basket.                             
Save him not, Pharaoh's daughters!                          
Leave the child on the waters                               
Or The Red Sea will blow up its gasket.                     
                                                            
46716 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Lynn Mostafa             



Have you ever considered it odd                             
That a supposedly self-declared God                         
Should punish a grandkid                                    
For something his gramp did?                                
It's proclaimed in the Bible, by God.                       
(Exodus 34:6-7)                                             
46717 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Laurence Perrine    P8902



When the Pharaoh of Egypt first saw                         
Israelites wouldn't bow to his law,                         
He screamed, "Anymore tricks                                
You'll get just earth for bricks!"                          
The dour Hebrews said, "That's the last straw."             
                                                            
46718 OLD TEST - EXODUS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



There was an old man named Isaiah,                          
Who foresaw the coming Messiah.                             
Jonah told tales                                            
Of life inside whales,                                      
And Moses set bushes on fiah.                               
                                                            
46719 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Richard Long             



These four fathers of Genesis knew                          
Their wives when at plus 62,                                
The were heard to say "Whee,                                
This beats AARP,                                            
And sitting around with nothing to do.                      
                                                            
46720 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Limerick Bible      P9706



In Genesis one quickly tires                                
Of lists, length, miles-frequent-fliers;                    
It's tough to endure                                        
Biblical LONGUEUR,                                          
Stretches of sons and their sires.                          
                                                            
46721 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Chris Papa               



Since God had no place He could stay,                       
He created a Heaven, they say.                              
He made DAY as a lark                                       
And they He added some DARK,                                
And He smiled and He called it a day.                       
                                                            
46722 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9105



For three days the Lord stood aghast                        
While the morning and evening still passed.                 
It was poorly begun                                         
And was done without SUN                                    
So the Lord had to do something fast.                       
                                                            
46723 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9105



God created the MOON for the night,                         
But the MOON had a mind full of spite,                      
For the son-of-a-gun                                        
Spent much time with the SUN                                
Leaving men in the dark with no light.                      
                                                            
46724 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9105



On day four God created the SUN                             
And He made it rule DAY just for fun.                       
And, heaven forbid,                                         
It's a good thing He did!                                   
Or daylight would cease at day one.                         
                                                            
46725 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9105



Though the Lord had a salvation plan                        
Ever since the creation began,                              
Yet He still was possessed                                  
And was fully obsessed                                      
With removing the foreskin of man.                          
                                                            
46726 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9103



To the gate of St. Peter came Nick.                         
He said, "Open the gate and be quick."                      
But St. Peter said, "Wait,                                  
I'll not open the gate                                      
Till you show me your circumcised prick."                   
                                                            
46727 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9104



At ninety Abe's wife did embrace                            
The Lord who did visit her place.                           
Said the Lord, "Abe, take care,                             
For a son she shall bear."                                  
And Abraham laughed in God's face.                          
                                                            
46728 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9103



Old Sarah was stricken and sore                             
But the Lord said her sex he'd restore.                     
"Do you mean I will screw                                   
With an orgasm, too?"                                       
Said the Lord, "You'll get that and much more."             
                                                            
46729 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9103



"It was," Saral said, "a real gaffe.                        
I did not, I know, do it by half,                           
But, Abram, your pardon.                                    
Your getting a hard-on                                      
At your age! It still makes me laugh."                      
                                                            
46730 OLD TEST - GENESIS             A. N. Wilkins       P8509



It seems Lot had no feeling of fault                        
But his daughters their fucking did halt,                   
So he got drunk again                                       
And went out on the plane,                                  
Where he fucked a pillar of salt.                           
                                                            
46731 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9106



As Judah the water did draw,                                
He looked down and his hard-on he saw.                      
He slipped Tamar his cock                                   
For a goat from his flock.                                  
Thus he fucked with his daughter-in-law.                    
                                                            
46732 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9106



Living in a cave with their dad                             
And no husband or stud to be had,                           
As his daughters design                                     
They make Lot drunk with wine,                              
And get pregnant that night in his pad.                     
                                                            
46733 OLD TEST - GENESIS             A. N. Wilkins       P9508



The daughters of Lot could not bother                       
To look for two men as they oughter,                        
So they got daddy drunk                                     
And were screwed in his bunk--                              
Each now known as fucker of father.                         
                                                            
46734 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9106



The Creation was done without test                          
And nothing came out for the best.                          
A quadrillion stars ALSO!                                   
To create them took gall, so                                
No wonder the Lord had to rest!                             
                                                            
46735 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9105



Jacob worked out his full stint                             
To win Rachel, with never a hint                            
That aught was awry --                                      
Then Laban so sly                                           
Said, "Now, bubbie, read the small print."                  
                                                            
46736 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Biblical Limericks  P0202



To Abraham God thusly spoke,                                
"Thou shalt sacrifice Isaac in smoke."                      
So Abe reached out to slay him,                             
But the angel did stay him.                                 
"Ha Ha!" said the Lord, "It's a joke!"                      
                                                            
46737 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9105



With his cousin, Jake started undressing,                   
Next his sister he started caressing.                       
Then he proceeded to screw                                  
Both the handmaidens too,                                   
And all with the Lord's holy blessing.                      
                                                            
46738 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9106



To Jake said the angel, "I came                             
To provide you a change from your name."                    
Some years later God came                                   
With his message, the same,                                 
"To provide you a change for your name."                    
                                                            
46739 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9105



It seems the Good Lord had forgot                           
The name change for Abe that he sought.                     
Angel-wrestling at night                                    
With Jake was too trite.                                    
So God had to wrought a new plot.                           
                                                            
46740 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9105



Judah's friend was a sheepherder pure--                     
Hirah's prick only touched sheep manure.                    
Judah fucked in the straw                                   
With his daughter-in-law.                                   
Hirah relished his role as voyeur.                          
                                                            
46741 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9106



While looking for whores, Judah saw                         
A harlot with veil, in the raw.                             
When he blew midst her thighs                               
She did yell out, "Surprise!                                
You have just fucked your daughter-in-law!"                 
                                                            
46742 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9106



From the X-rays old Judah did say                           
That Tamar had twins on the way.                            
A hand poked from her twat--                                
Wrote, "A girl I am not."                                   
But his brother was first to see day.                       
                                                            
46743 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9105



When the madam did answer the door,                         
It was Onan to visit his whore.                             
She had new carpets laid                                    
And was sadly dismayed                                      
To see Onan jack-off on the floor.                          
                                                            
46744 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9106



Since Er behaved badly, God frowned                         
And by God, Er was throttled and drowned.                   
Onan married Er's wife                                      
But was slain by God's knife,                               
Because Onan jacked-off on the ground.                      
                                                            
46745 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9106



When Onan on earth his sperm poured,                        
He was killed by a wrathful God's sword.                    
I conclude from my crimes,                                  
Fully five thousand times,                                  
I've been killed and revived by the Lord.                   
                                                            
46746 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9106



Pharoah's butler had dreams in his head.                    
He asked Joseph what God to him said.                       
Joseph told the Lord's view                                 
So the baker asked too,                                     
But the baker was already dead.                             
                                                            
46747 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9104



Sons of God have their balls full of cream--                
To screw virgins on earth is their scheme.                  
When these ladies are mated,                                
Many giants are created                                     
Who then join a pro basketball team.                        
                                                            
46748 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Albin Chaplin       P9105



Sons of God in the heavens did roam--                       
Where they came from, it never was known.                   
They each other upended,                                    
Then to Earth they descended,                               
Where their seed amongst virgins was sown.                  
                                                            
46749 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Phil Cannibal       P9105



The Scripture is really quite clear.                        
There's no marriage in heaven, I fear.                      
Like the angels before                                      
(Gen. 6, in verse 4) --                                     
Free love is the answer. Hear! Hear!                        
                                                            
46750 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Bill Loring         P9001



A biblical puzzle I've solved;                              
A saline solution's involved.                               
That nice Mister Lot                                        
A divorce never got;                                        
The rain came and his wife was dissolved.                   
                                                            
46751 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Prof                     



Praise the Lord! His name EXALT.                            
Though nosiness was her chief fault.                        
He fixed Lot's wife good,                                   
Changed where she stood,                                    
Into a hard pillar of salt.                                 
                                                            
46752 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Chris Papa               



There was an old bloke in the Bible,                        
Built an ark as a means of survival.                        
But due to a flaw,                                          
There were fights tooth and claw;                           
Each animal there had a rival.                              
                                                            
46753 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Richard Long             



Onan found, as he pondered them o'er,                       
His progenitive duties a bore;                              
He'd have been in there trying,                             
If he'd known he'd be dying                                 
For shunning his sister-in-law.                             
                                                            
46754 OLD TEST - GENESIS             Biblical Limericks  P9706



The tale of the Tower of Babel,                             
Another old Christian-type fable,                           
Is all truth, you know,                                     
'Cause scholars can show                                    
'Twas written by god's cousin Mabel.                        
                                                            
46755 OLD TEST - GENESIS                                      



Jonah mused, as he cruised through the whale,               
"I'm in guts to my nuts in this jail,                       
But I'll pass through the ass                               
In a mass of hot gas,                                       
And depart with a fart through the tail."                   
                                                            
46756 OLD TEST - JONAH                                   G1480



When Jonah was inside the whale,                            
He probably went rather pale,                               
And said: "What I wish                                      
Is to exit this fish,                                       
By the mouth and not via the tail.                          
                                                            
46757 OLD TEST - JONAH               Richard Long             



From the bible there comes a tale gory,                     
How the whale swallowed Jonah so hoary.                     
But what boggles the mind                                   
Is when you later find                                      
How so many men swallowed the story.                        
                                                            
46758 OLD TEST - JONAH               Albin Chaplin       P9104



Old Jonah, the butt of rebuke,                              
All dressed in fine coat and peruke,                        
His fate did bewail,                                        
So God spoke to the whale,                                  
And the whale on the dry land did puke.                     
                                                            
46759 OLD TEST - JONAH               Phil Cannibal       P9104



In tears sits Jonah in the whale;                           
In darkness Jonah has to bail.                              
"I wet each match                                           
I try to scratch."                                          
He blubbers and begins to wail.                             
                                                            
46760 OLD TEST - JONAH               Irving Superior     P8207



When Jonah went into the whale,                             
He was spit out again, whole and hale.                      
But that is for looks                                       
And the sale of good books.                                 
I bet he was shat out the tail!                             
                                                            
46761 OLD TEST - JONAH               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a postman named Hale                         
Who swam into the mouth of a whale.                         
He looked all about                                         
Crying, "Jonah, come out!                                   
There's once cent postage due on your mail!"                
                                                            
46762 OLD TEST - JONAH               Ogden Nash          P9002



Jonah messed with God to no avail,                          
And ended up in the gut of a whale.                         
"If I get out, Oi!                                          
I will be a good boy!                                       
But this is a whale of a tale!"                             
                                                            
46763 OLD TEST - JONAH               Jim Weaver Collection    



I've thought, now and then, as of late,                     
Of that bible fisherman's fate;                             
That Jonah's a fool.                                        
He ignored that old rule,                                   
"Do not use yourself as the bait!"                          
                                                            
46764 OLD TEST - JONAH               Tiddy Ogg                



Old Jonah was told all along                                
"Go to Nineveh and sing them your song."                    
For those not believin'                                     
He proved that not even                                     
Can a whale stomach prophets for long.                      
                                                            
46765 OLD TEST - JONAH               John M. Scoot       P9704



Cowardly old Jonah set sail                                 
And was promptly swallowed up by the whale.                 
Said the fish with disdain,                                 
"Lord, I hate to complain,                                  
But your prophet is moldy and stale!"                       
                                                            
46766 OLD TEST - JONAH               Lynn Mostafa             



There once was a fellow named Aaron                         
While crossing a desert most barren,                        
"No lilacs, no roses,                                       
No grass, Holy Moses!                                       
Can this be the suburbs of Canaan?"                         
                                                            
46767 OLD TEST - MOSES               Irving Superior     P8207



Said Moses, "The Gold Calf affronts                         
The Lord: and your prayers -- lustful grunts."              
Then, having his way,                                       
Smashed the tablets of clay,                                
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
46768 OLD TEST - MOSES               Ed Potts            P8908



Prophet Moses, that stuttering dunce,                       
Spying Hebrew girls flashing their cunts                    
'Round that foul Golden Calf,                               
Smashed the tablets in half                                 
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
46769 OLD TEST - MOSES               Robin K. Willoughby P8908



Old Moses though clearly no dunce,                          
Pulled one of the klutziest stunts;                         
While the tablets he gripped,                               
On his robes when he tripped                                
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
46770 OLD TEST - MOSES               Bob Giandomenico    P8908



Now Moses descends and confronts                            
His people at Golden Calf stunts.                           
He drops, with a groan,                                     
Two tablets of stone,                                       
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
46771 OLD TEST - MOSES               Laurence Perrine    P8908



Moses had been on Mt. Sinai for months,                     
When God found he'd chosen a dunce,                         
While skipping along,                                       
Moses tripped on his thong,                                 
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
46772 OLD TEST - MOSES               C. W. Curry         P8908



From Sinai came Moses, poor dunce.                          
He discovered idolatrous stunts.                            
Thus chagrined, Moses threw                                 
Down the tablets so new,                                    
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
46773 OLD TEST - MOSES               John Dohner         P8908



Then God said to Moses: "You're strong;                     
Let's go up this hill, come along."                         
He went, scratched his scabs,                               
Then picked up the slabs,                                   
Where God wrote his own bill of wrongs.                     
                                                            
46774 OLD TEST - MOSES               Tiddy Ogg                



With boss gone, the tribe had a laugh,                      
They boozed, drank and partied, not half!                   
The gals loosed their tresses,                              
And hitched up their dresses                                
Knee-high, showing much golden calf.                        
                                                            
46775 OLD TEST - MOSES               Tiddy Ogg                



Then Mo down the mountain descended,                        
He saw this, and went quite demented,                       
And smashed up his rocks,                                   
Put the bits in a box,                                      
And thus was the jigsaw invented.                           
                                                            
46776 OLD TEST - MOSES               Tiddy Ogg                



Young Moses, it seems had a yearning                        
To pursue a strange method of learning.                     
He ignited the hair                                         
Of a lady's affair,                                         
And he talked to the bush that was burning.                 
                                                            
46777 OLD TEST - MOSES               Albin Chaplin   3024-2934



Think of Moses, of biblical fame;                           
He didn't need a second name.                               
His MONONYM was enough,                                     
'Cause when things got rough,                               
He'd get God to set a bush aflame.                          
                                                            
46778 OLD TEST - MOSES               Norm Brust               



These are the laws you must keep:                           
Put God first.  And images heap                             
In a pile.  But Gods name                                   
You must never defame.                                      
And take a day off for a sleep!                             
                                                            
46779 OLD TEST - MOSES               Christopher Goodwins     



Give honor to mom and to dad,                               
And don't murder folk, 'cause that's bad.                   
Adultry's wrong,                                            
So is stealing, along                                       
With saying your neighbor's a cad.                          
                                                            
46780 OLD TEST - MOSES               Christopher Goodwins     



You have all you need in this life,                         
So don't covet things that are rife --                      
Not animals, spouse,                                        
Or possessions, or house!                                   
Evil habits cut down with a knife!                          
                                                            
46781 OLD TEST - MOSES               Christopher Goodwins     



Moses' cohorts grew restive and whiny,                      
And constructed a gold idol shiny:                          
"We need something more                                     
Up-to-date to adore                                         
Than some 'shalts' and 'shalt nots' from Mount Sinai!"      
                                                            
46782 OLD TEST - MOSES               Biblical Limericks  P0202



Old Mo led his folks out of Egypt;                          
They came to a sea; in his toe dipped.                      
He yelled "Lord tell to me,                                 
How do we cross this sea,                                   
With all of my gear to be trans-shipped."                   
                                                            
46783 OLD TEST - MOSES                                        



The Lord said: "Go find Habbakuk;                           
And feed loads of beans to that schmuck.                    
Put a plug in his ass,                                      
Which will hold back the gas,                               
And in a few days, if you've luck..."                       
                                                            
46784 OLD TEST - MOSES                                        



So on the bank Hab bared his ass,                           
And let forth a deafening blast.                            
The force of that fart                                      
Made the great waters part,                                 
And the whole motley crew of them passed.                   
                                                            
46785 OLD TEST - MOSES                                        



Moses ate food from a trough.  It                           
Was disgusting to see how he'd scoff it.                    
He grew round as a ball,                                    
But was still loved by all,                                 
Because everyone loves a 'fat prophet'.                     
(see Mormon Church - McW)                                   
46786 OLD TEST - MOSES               Tim                      



Moses was a constipated man.                                
Once high up on Mt. Sinai, he ran.                          
From a bush, the Lord hissed,                               
"I'll give you an assist;                                   
Here's two tablets; they're called Serutan."                
(Serutan - natures spelled backward is a nostrum - McW)     
46787 OLD TEST - MOSES                                        



Said Moses to each Israelite:                               
"Now we've come to the Red Sea all right.                   
Now you can get started                                     
While the waters are parted -                               
But wait for the little green light."                       
                                                            
46788 OLD TEST - MOSES                                   P8207



Old Moses brought laws cut in stone                         
And thought that his flock would atone.                     
But they rejected his gaff,                                 
And they made a gold calf,                                  
And put the thing up on a throne.                           
                                                            
46789 OLD TEST - MOSES               Frank Ward               



Now this pissed him right to the bone,                      
And he busted those tablets of stone.                       
Then went back to the mountain                              
And for forty days countin',                                
Tried getting some more on a loan.                          
                                                            
46790 OLD TEST - MOSES               Frank Ward               



Then Jehovah did draw down the screw;                       
This time let him have only two.                            
"Of Commandments, here's Ten,                               
And you had better win!                                     
Or I'll wipe out that whole Jewish crew."                   
                                                            
46791 OLD TEST - MOSES               Frank Ward               



Then Moses came down in a snit.                             
Said, "I've had enough of your shit!                        
You will obey what is written                               
Or you will be smitten                                      
And cast into a bottomless pit!"                            
                                                            
46792 OLD TEST - MOSES               Frank Ward               



And then he climbed up on a knoll,                          
And started these laws to extol.                            
"Now, no image you'll make!"                                
Then he cast a bronze snake,                                
And put it up high on a pole.                               
                                                            
46793 OLD TEST - MOSES               Frank Ward               



But this seemed to make the Jews madder.                    
He explained, "If you are bit by an adder,                  
Just gaze at my snake.                                      
You'll be cured by daybreak.                                
If you can't see it, climb up this ladder.                  
                                                            
46794 OLD TEST - MOSES               Frank Ward               



Well this commandment crap got bounced around,              
And through the long ages was found                         
That all these great rules                                  
Were for other damned fools,                                
To keep them from taking your ground!                       
                                                            
46795 OLD TEST - MOSES               Frank Ward               



A story not apt to inspire us                               
Was found on an ancient papyrus;                            
It seems that when Moses                                    
Came down with sclerosis,                                   
He prayed not to God, but Osiris.                           
                                                            
46796 OLD TEST - MOSES               Butcher Baker       P9301



"The Lord," Moses said, "gave us many things                
Consistent with good kosher upbringings.                    
The rest can be crammed                                     
In those little blue cans.                                  
Gentiles will eat most anything."                           
(SPAM comes in a little blue can)                           
46797 OLD TEST - MOSES               Will Briggs              



Ten times cried Moses, "Let us go!"                         
Ten times the Pharaoh answered, "No!"                       
Ten times plus one,                                         
Perhaps a pun,                                              
"You're not," cried he, "Fair,  Oh, Pharaoh."               
                                                            
46798 OLD TEST - MOSES               Irving Superior     P8207



A horny old Hebrew named Moses                              
Watched girls in unnatural poses,                           
But claiming this odd                                       
Vice sacred to God,                                         
Came out of it smelling like roses.                         
                                                            
46799 OLD TEST - MOSES               Armand E Singer       348



God gave Moses a holy command,                              
"To the Pharaoh show tricks in his land."                   
But Moses was short                                         
In the magical sport.                                       
Said the Lord, "TAKE MY ROD IN YOUR HAND."                  
                                                            
46800 OLD TEST - MOSES               Al Chaplin          P9608



Exterminator: Specialty roses.                              
No poisons -- no traps -- and no hoses.                     
Infestations of frogs,                                      
Rodents, plagues, and wild dogs.                            
Free inspection -- will travel -- See Moses.                
                                                            
46801 OLD TEST - MOSES               Arthur Deex         P8703



When Moses found out what was what,                         
Eight out of ten were SHALT NOT.                            
You may think that strong,                                  
But you would be wrong;                                     
Nobody intends to get caught.                               
                                                            
46802 OLD TEST - MOSES               Laurence  Perrine   P8604



Old Moses loved virgin Zipporah,                            
And also, 'twas rumored, a whorah;                          
Plus Jew Law, you see,                                      
So Moses loved three:                                       
Zipporah, the whorah, the Torah.                            
                                                            
46803 OLD TEST - MOSES               Travis Brasell           



Old Noah thought, "Since this damn flood'll                 
Last months, with the sheep I will huddle;"                 
He heard his wife speak,                                    
"This ark sprang a leak;                                    
I found, by the sheep, a white puddle!"                     
                                                            
46804 OLD TEST - NOAH                Travis Brasell           



A fundamentalist update --                                  
While forty days and nights they wait,                      
Those beasts know as "extincts"                             
(Includes two Missing Links)                                
Are what the other two ate.                                 
                                                            
46805 OLD TEST - NOAH                Irving Superior     P9009



"You, Noah, deserve to be saved,                            
For you're not even mildly depraved.                        
Build an ark. Make it huge,                                 
To withstand the deluge,                                    
Lest you sink to a watery grave."                           
                                                            
46806 OLD TEST - NOAH                Old Test Made Easy  P0110



Depressed were the spermatozoa                              
Born many long eons agoa.                                   
With no chance for frolics                                  
Or fun in the bollocks                                      
Of ancient and wizened old Noah.                            
                                                            
46807 OLD TEST - NOAH                Peter Wilkins            



They yearned for the chance to dabble                       
At swimming upstream (what a rabble)                        
But Noah was old                                            
And his blood had grown cold,                               
To they ended their days playing scrabble.                  
                                                            
46808 OLD TEST - NOAH                Peter Wilkins            



In twos, as they entered the Ark,                           
A "psst psst" made Noah remark,                             
"Mosquitoes 'psst psst'                                     
I should check my list,"                                    
However by then it was dark.                                
                                                            
46809 OLD TEST - NOAH                Irving Superior     P9611



Said God, "This contemptible race                           
Has proved itself shockingly base.                          
Such rascals! Confound them,                                
I fear I must drown them.                                   
They're sinning all over the place.                         
                                                            
46810 OLD TEST - NOAH                Old Test Made Easy  P0110



When the dove returned from the dark                        
And fluttered on deck of the ark,                           
Old Noah got a peek                                         
Of a bug in its beak,                                       
And said, "It is time to debark."                           
                                                            
46811 OLD TEST - NOAH                Chris Papa               



Forty days, forty nights, how it poured!                    
They were itchy, rheumatic, and bored.                      
But they weathered the flood,                               
And debarked in the mud.                                    
"Last one off is a slug!" said the Lord.                    
                                                            
46812 OLD TEST - NOAH                Old Test Made Easy  P0110



"What's that, Pa?" said Japheth, "A tent?"                  
Said Noah, "Just 'ark and repent!"                          
Said Shem, "It's a sham."                                   
"What's it made of?" said Ham.                              
"Gopher Wood," Noah said. So they went.                     
                                                            
46813 OLD TEST - NOAH                John Doile          P9604



When light skin contacts skin that's dark,                  
Perhaps behind shrubs in a park,                            
Such pairings are neat,                                     
Though it could face defeat,                                
If Noah should rebuild his Ark.                             
                                                            
46814 OLD TEST - NOAH                Tucker D. Ott       P8911



When Noah was loading his barge,                            
Reb Levi he had to discharge,                               
'Cause he lost his cool,                                    
When he saw Reb's tool;                                     
"LEVIATHAN is just too large!"                              
                                                            
46815 OLD TEST - NOAH                Chris Papa               



Come to Noah's for wine and strong waters,                  
And for diddling in clean classy quarters.                  
I assure every guest,                                       
I've made personal test,                                    
Of my booze, and my bed, and my daughters.                  
                                                            
46816 OLD TEST - NOAH                Anon                G0115



Said Noah, "This long heavy shower                          
Has messed up my reckoning power.                           
According to me,                                            
We're on the Black Sea -                                    
Yet we've just passed the Post Office Tower."               
                                                            
46817 OLD TEST - NOAH                                    P8207



Though the Bible's not apt to remark                        
'Bout the beasts on old Noah's ark.                         
Confinement is wearing                                      
And tempers were flaring,                                   
But the bite was no worse than his Barque.                  
                                                            
46818 OLD TEST - NOAH                                    P8207



When the Ark was just over Genoa                            
Mrs. Noah burst forth at poor Noah,                         
"Who's this Joan of Arc?                                    
You are keeping her dark:"                                  
Oh No! I don't know her," said Noah.                        
                                                            
46819 OLD TEST - NOAH                                    P8207



The ark had reached Mount Ararat.                           
The Bible says that after that,                             
They rushed outside                                         
And multiplied                                              
As fast as you can say "begat."                             
                                                            
46820 OLD TEST - NOAH                Irving Superior     P8207



On the ark there was soon a great jam,                      
So Noah ate much veal and young lamb.                       
But the taboos on pig,                                      
Made that meat infra dig,                                   
Though in secret Noah sometimes ate Ham.                    
                                                            
46821 OLD TEST - NOAH                                         



While sailing his ark, Captain Noah                         
Had an angry exchange with a boa.                           
For excessive constricting                                  
Noah threatened evicting,                                   
But the boa pledged Noah "No mo'a!"                         
                                                            
46822 OLD TEST - NOAH                                    P8207



Ham saw his father's bare booty,                            
So the Jews treated his kids like cooties;                  
They slaughtered them here                                  
And murdered them there;                                    
Ol' Noah's butt must have been quite a beauty.              
                                                            
46823 OLD TEST - NOAH                Robert Moore             



The Ark came when the world was ill-fated.                  
Then the rains appeared strong, unabated.                   
There it suddenly sat                                       
Atop Mt. Ararat,                                            
The only spot uninundated.                                  
                                                            
46824 OLD TEST - NOAH                Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



It was valiant Captain Noah who                             
Turned his boat into a floating zoo.                        
But when population grew,                                   
And he declared sex taboo,                                  
Two gnu withdrew; they'd rather screw.                      
And the crew, it's true, bid Noah adieu.                    
46825 OLD TEST - NOAH                Lynn Mostafa             



When Noah took the pairs to the Ark,                        
Conditions on board were quite stark.                       
When he sent out a dove                                     
Which brought signs from above,                             
He knew he'd find somewhere to park.                        
                                                            
46826 OLD TEST - NOAH                Arthur Pattaffy          



Then Noah (his family, too)                                 
Assembled an unabridged zoo.                                
"What a stench!" Noah cried,                                
Hanging over the side.                                      
"Every one of them needs a shampoo."                        
                                                            
46827 OLD TEST - NOAH                Old Test Made Easy  P0110



As God made his point, the rain stopped,                    
And on to Mt Ararat dropped                                 
The Ark.  All within it                                     
Cried, "Praise God!  We've done it!                         
And onto dry land they then popped.                         
                                                            
46828 OLD TEST - NOAH                Christopher Goodwins     



Where do you suppose God got the notion                     
Before launching the Ark into motion;                       
Lobsters, Whales, Jellyfish,                                
With free will or free wish,                                
Would climb into that craft from the ocean?                 
                                                            
46829 OLD TEST - NOAH                Loren Fitzhugh      P0011



"I've wondered," confessed Mr Klein,                        
"When it came time out there on the brine                   
To tie up the Ark,                                          
So that they could debark,                                  
Who was it who caught Noah's line?"                         
                                                            
46830 OLD TEST - NOAH                Attic Salt          P0001



There once was a girl, Salome,                              
Who danced in King Herod's cafe.                            
At her job she worked hard                                  
But with no union card,                                     
All she earned was a head on a tray.                        
                                                            
46831 OLD TEST - SALOME              Warrick Elrod            



Though a biblical strip-teasing tart,                       
Salome was a girl with great heart.                         
The truth is that instead,                                  
Of John the Baptist's head,                                 
She had asked a more pertinent part.                        
                                                            
46832 OLD TEST - SALOME                                  G1976



King Herod, at rest from his duty,                          
Through the casement, he spied him a beauty.                
"I'd pay any fee                                            
If she'd strip off for me.                                  
Go courtiers and fetch me that cutie."                      
                                                            
46833 OLD TEST - SALOME              Tiddy Ogg                



So one, two, three courtiers went forth,                    
Collected that gal from the north.                          
Not Eskimo Nell,                                            
Whose tale you know well,                                   
Nor Lucy who sat on the wharf.                              
                                                            
46834 OLD TEST - SALOME              Tiddy Ogg                



'Twas this young Salome they sought,                        
And fetched her in to the court.                            
There she took off veils, seven,                            
And the king was in heaven,                                 
'Cause her garment count then was just nought.              
                                                            
46835 OLD TEST - SALOME              Tiddy Ogg                



"Gee, honey," he said, "That was nice."                     
And then he jacked off in a trice.                          
(Why the silly old fool                                     
Didn't use his stiff tool                                   
On the girl, I don't know.)  "What's your price?"           
                                                            
46836 OLD TEST - SALOME              Tiddy Ogg                



Salome'd a baptising friend,                                
Whose muff-diving pleased her no end.                       
Without thinking she said:                                  
"I'd love John Baptist's head                               
In my lap, then to heights I'd ascend."                     
                                                            
46837 OLD TEST - SALOME              Tiddy Ogg                



Now the rest of the story's well known;                     
How that dumb-ass that sat on the throne,                   
Gave Salome her head,                                       
But the poor sap was dead,                                  
And never again was she blown.                              
                                                            
46838 OLD TEST - SALOME              Tiddy Ogg                



All the Baptist could see, when she wed                     
(Saw Herodias' daughter), was red;                          
So with veiled sinuosity                                    
She entailed reciprocity,                                   
Making Herod, then John, lose his head.                     
                                                            
46839 OLD TEST - SALOME              Thomas A. Quinine   P8409



Salome had the grace of a swan                              
As she danced without a stitch on.                          
She raised many eyebrows                                    
Amongst biblical highbrows --                               
Like Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.                         
                                                            
46840 OLD TEST - SALOME              Ed Wolfert          P8407



Although making a prophet, she said,                        
Had been Salome's purpose, instead,                         
Since supply and demand                                     
Were not what she'd planned,                                
She settled for getting a head.                             
                                                            
46841 OLD TEST - SALOME              A. N. Wilkins       P8903



Salome danced and Herod pale.                               
Then lust in Herod did prevail.                             
"Take it off," he cried.                                    
John the Baptist died.                                      
Salome dropped her Seventh Veil.                            
                                                            
46842 OLD TEST - SALOME              Irving Superior     P8308



Of Salome, Herod once said,                                 
"I know that her dancing's a dread.                         
Though I make her rehearse,                                 
She just keeps getting worse,                               
But none of the others gives head.                          
                                                            
46843 OLD TEST - SALOME              Pierce Evans             



A clergyman read from his text,                             
How Samson was scissored and vexed.                         
Then a barber arose,                                        
From his sweet summer doze,                                 
Got rattled and shouted, "Who's next?"                      
                                                            
46844 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



The stories of Samson are ample                             
To tell of his strength -- here's a sample:                 
He knocked out Phillistines                                 
By out-boxing the fiends,                                   
With a crushing blow to the temple.                         
                                                            
46845 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Guy Ben-Moshe            



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Is too long and unfashionable, I fear.                      
I will give you a trial                                     
For a much shorter style."                                  
It brought down the house, so I hear!                       
                                                            
46846 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Anon                     



An eagle whose wings had been clipped                       
Was Delilah's.  Oh boy, how she flipped.                    
"If the culprit I find,                                     
I will punish in kind!"                                     
As you know, Samson's locks were all snipped.               
                                                            
46847 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Because of my cock's strength and build,                    
Miss Prim, who directs our town's guild                     
Of actors, is willing                                       
To give me top billing                                      
In "Samson: Delilah fulfilled."                             
                                                            
46848 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Travis Brasell           



Oy, vat a headache you gimmee,                              
Beating to death poor old dim me;                           
Whether Samson or not,                                      
What Delilah got                                            
Was non-shrinking shank of Shimmee!                         
                                                            
46849 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Chris Papa               



That was until she cut his hair                             
And brought poor old Samson despair.                        
With shank but a shrimp,                                    
Decidedly limp,                                             
The shicksa gave Samson the air.                            
                                                            
46850 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Chris Papa               



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Turned me on, when it used to be there.                     
Now to realize my fears,                                    
A dick with two ears,                                       
Takes its pace on your shoulders so fair!                   
                                                            
46851 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Hides such an incredible pair.                              
I'll clip a few snips,                                      
So my eager lips                                            
Can travel wherever they dare!"                             
                                                            
46852 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



"There goes that lunatic, Sampson,                          
The fellow just can't keep his pants on.                    
Delilah his sweetie's                                       
Cutting back on his Wheaties --                             
And a haircut before they go dancin'."                      
                                                            
46853 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Arthur Deex         P0101



Now about Sampson, nee Myron Clouse,                        
Long haired hippie and bit of a souse.                      
With Delilah, in fact,                                      
They put on a wild act,                                     
But his encore's what brought down the house.               
                                                            
46854 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



Said Delilah: "It just isn't fair,                          
That the blame for his death I should share.                
I did fall for Samson;                                      
I found him quite handsome;                                 
I just don't like men with long hair."                      
                                                            
46855 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Richard Long             



Before haircut Samson slew Philistines.                     
In a country far away, like the Phillipines.                
After his hair was shorn,                                   
Or was it just torn,                                        
His strength was not worth a hill of beans.                 
                                                            
46856 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Norm Brust               



Delilah is truly quite fair                                 
With rose hidden where there's no glare.                    
To pick from her garden                                     
Will bring you no pardon,                                   
Sam's son said he also lost hair!                           
                                                            
46857 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Samson's short haircut wasn't, you'll find,                 
Nor any such thing of that kind.                            
Which after some length,                                    
Cause him to lose his strength,                             
And eventually made him go blind.                           
                                                            
46858 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



"Just tie me up tight by my hair,"                          
Said Samson.  Is that very fair?                            
Delilah stood back                                          
When the rope snapped.  Bang!  Crack!                       
You'll not find my weakness, so there!                      
                                                            
46859 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Christopher Goodwins     



Said Samson to Delilah, "Your face                          
Is an ugly outrageous disgrace.                             
And I really don't care                                     
What you think of my hair,                                  
'Cause with me, you can't get to first base.                
                                                            
46860 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Observer                 



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Causes me great concern and despair.                        
It's long and has curls,                                    
Looks much like a girl's,                                   
And hangs down to your pink underwear!"                     
                                                            
46861 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Observer                 



Said Samson, "This is a huge plinth,                        
Not only the width, but the length.                         
With help from above,                                       
I push and I shove,                                         
But it won't budge an inch nor a tenth.                     
                                                            
46862 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Observer                 



"I'll push on the pillars instead,                          
The building will fall on my head.                          
I'll smash Philisteens                                      
All to smithereens,                                         
Alas, we shall all then be dead!"                           
                                                            
46863 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Observer                 



Your tale of that old story rare,                           
Shows Samson without any care                               
Of his life or limb.                                        
Who'd regained his vim,                                     
By simply regrowing his hair.                               
                                                            
46864 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Chris Papa               



He'd lost it to that movie star,                            
The beauty called Hedy LaMarr.                              
But time marches on,                                        
And even she's gone,                                        
To much greener pastures, afar.                             
                                                            
46865 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Chris Papa               



The people laugh at Sampson's plight;                       
At Sampson's God; his loss of sight.                        
Then Lo! his strength came back                             
Then high, a ceiling crack,                                 
And they who laughed soon saw the light.                    
                                                            
46866 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Irving Superior     P8207



Sampson is considered aloof                                 
And somewhat difficult. In truth                            
Though cast as tragedian--                                  
He had, as comedian--                                       
An act that could bring down the roof.                      
                                                            
46867 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Aaron Bell          P9412



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Would look better if it was not there.                      
If you don't shave your head,                               
I won't take you to bed.                                    
And sex with me is beyond compare."                         
                                                            
46868 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                               
I find is too shaggy to bear!"                              
Samson said, "But my wig                                    
Makes my muscles grow big."                                 
As he pinched her on her derriere!                          
                                                            
46869 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Connalt                  



A fellow named Samson once bawled,                          
"Last night I was sure I'd get balled--                     
But Delilah likes locks                                     
Instead of men's cocks--                                    
So this morning I'm totally bald!"                          
                                                            
46870 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Norm Storer         P9112



He plucked a jawbone from the grass                         
And smote each Philistine who'd pass...                     
From that Jawbone Day                                       
You still hear people say,                                  
That was the greatest piece of ass.                         
                                                            
46871 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Irving Superior     P9309



Sampson, now deprived of sight,                             
The pillars pushed with all his might.                      
And Lo! Walls shake!                                        
And High! Ceilings break!                                   
And all but Sampson saw the light.                          
                                                            
46872 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Irving Superior     P9309



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Is long and thick, and so fair!                             
So why is your weinie                                       
So thin and so teenie?                                      
You're hung like a horse - but a mare!"                     
                                                            
46873 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Scratches my tongue when I go down there."                  
So she gave him a clip                                      
But the scissors did slip;                                  
Power lost for the advent of Nair.                          
                                                            
46874 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



The moral of Sampson remains;                               
There is much that brute strength attains.                  
He gives it away                                            
For only a lay,                                             
Because brawn's not much good without brains.               
                                                            
46875 OLD TEST - SAMSON              A. N. Wilkins       P9309



"It's known that they like to eat grasses,                  
With Philistines slain by the masses,                       
When using a bone                                           
Of the type that is grown                                   
In their jaws," cited Samson, Onassis.                      
                                                            
46876 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Sampson, the strong man, was fickle --                      
Lots of girls got to play with his pickle.                  
One said, "Sam, you're strong                               
But your not very long.                                     
That's not a fuck, that's a tickle!"                        
                                                            
46877 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Neal Wilgus         P8207



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Is so soft and so blonde way down there..."                 
She grabbed hold of a lock                                  
That surrounded his cock,                                   
And then shaved him until he was bare!                      
                                                            
46878 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



They said Samson was strong as an ox,                       
But his strength was locked in his locks.                   
When they cut his hair,                                     
His might vanished in air;                                  
He was weak from his head to his hocks.                     
                                                            
46879 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Is causing the natives to stare.                            
Allow me to clip --                                         
I'll just take a snip --                                    
And you'll be a new man, I swear."                          
                                                            
46880 OLD TEST - SAMSON              Finnegan                 



When Delilah shaved Sampson's thick locks,                  
He could no longer squeeze water from rocks,                
His libido was screwed,                                     
He was one fucked up dude;                                  
A warning to all arrogant jocks.                            
                                                            
46881 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair                          
Has grown pretty bushy down there.                          
It's really quite thick;                                    
I can't see your dick.                                      
Are you sure that you still have a pair?                    
                                                            
46882 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Delilah's afflicting my mind.                               
Delectably lowered behind,                                  
My lips seeking rose,                                       
She chugs on my nose.                                       
Sam's son said it made him go blind!                        
                                                            
46883 OLD TEST - SAMSON                                       



Said a Palestine pilgrim named Wadham,                      
"For religion I don't give a god damn!                      
I've frequently peed in                                     
The Garden of Eden,                                         
And buggered my guide when in Sodom."                       
                                                            
46884 OLD TEST - SODOM                                   L0569



In Sodom-Gomorrah they wore a                               
Big grin on their faces and swore a                         
Front was a back.                                           
When they went to the sack,                                 
They would screw 'til their backsides were sore-a.          
                                                            
46885 OLD TEST - SODOM               Silvia S Crockett   P0104



A biblical worthy named Lot,                                
Lived out where the action was hot.                         
Those guys out in Sodom?                                    
Other guys had all rode 'em,                                
Till God noticed and said, "Thou shalt not."                
                                                            
46886 OLD TEST - SODOM               Isaac Asimov             



Said Lot, "I've escaped from Gomorrah,                      
That city of sin, shame, and horrah.                        
It wasn't my fault                                          
My wife turned into salt,                                   
So I'll marry my daughter tomorra."                         
                                                            
46887 OLD TEST - SODOM                                        



Lot was a worthless old pest -                              
Drunken, passed out, half undressed.                        
He done with his daughter                                   
What he shouldn't have oughter,                             
Inventing what we call 'incest'.                            
                                                            
46888 OLD TEST - SODOM               Arthur Deex         P8207



The wife of Lot, "We'd better halt.                         
I know you'll say it's all my fault,                        
But I've a hunch                                            
When I packed lunch,                                        
That I forgot to bring the salt."                           
                                                            
46889 OLD TEST - SODOM               Irving Superior     P8207



The greatest of all of the NOTs,                            
The Lord gave to that wife of Lot's.                        
But it never took,                                          
She just had to look!                                       
When you're salt, it sure cures the hots.                   
                                                            
46890 OLD TEST - SODOM               Larry Davis         P8604



An Israeli lady named Liora,                                
Was known as the world's loudest snorer.                    
The nightly sensation                                       
Sets up a vibration,                                        
That sounded like Sodom and Gomorrha!                       
                                                            
46891 OLD TEST - SODOM               Arthur Pattaffy          



Vile Sodom and tainted Gomorrah                             
Perished in fiery horrah.                                   
For re-viewing their odium,                                 
Mrs. Lot turned to sodium --                                
It could happen again, here tomorrah.                       
                                                            
46892 OLD TEST - SODOM               Biblical Limericks  P0105



Vile Sodom and tainted Gomorrab                             
Perished in fiery horrah.                                   
Ms Lot in mid-stride                                        
Became NaCl;                                                
It could happen again, here tomorrah.                       
                                                            
46893 OLD TEST - SODOM               Arthur Deex         P0105



Vile Sodom and tainted Gomorrah                             
Perished in fiery horrah.                                   
Ms Lot morphed (her own fault)                              
Into plain table salt.                                      
It could happen again, here tomorrah.                       
                                                            
46894 OLD TEST - SODOM               Arthur Deex         P0105



In Sodom, great feasts knew no halting,                     
And Lot was the guest they all called in.                   
Said each host, "We love you,                               
But your wife must come, too.                               
The stew is too flat and needs salting."                    
                                                            
46895 OLD TEST - SODOM                                        



Don't pity the wife of Old Lot,                             
Who was frozen to salt on the spot;                         
'Cause she sure got a kick                                  
When the the cows came to lick                              
At her highly salacious old twat.                           
                                                            
46896 OLD TEST - SODOM               Anon                     



Our town has a spinster named Cora.                         
With no one in town to adore her --                         
No lovers, no beaus --                                      
When she dreams, she goes                                   
To Sodom or else to Gomorrah.                               
                                                            
46897 OLD TEST - SODOM               Irving Superior     P8405



In ancient Sodom there would be                             
Such orgies and perversity                                  
That even nowadays                                          
One hears often the phrase,                                 
"And then he tried to Sodom me!"                            
                                                            
46898 OLD TEST - SODOM               Irving Superior     P8207



Though some deities may have been clods,                    
King Solomon played all the odds.                           
Though he liked Jahweh best,                                
He worshipped the rest                                      
So as not to offend any gods.                               
                                                            
46899 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              A. N. Wilkins       P9303



King David lay gasping for air,                             
So they brought him a young virgin fair.                    
She tried warming his schwantz                              
But there was no response;                                  
King Dave was too far gone to care.                         
                                                            
46900 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Phil Cannibal       P9103



As King David lay sick in a cave,                           
A young virgin was called who was brave.                    
She tried warming his thing,                                
Thus to succor the king,                                    
But she failed even unto the grave.                         
                                                            
46901 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Albin Chaplin       P9103



So now, Belteshazzar was Dan,                               
And Az was Abidnego, man!                                   
And Han was called Shadrach                                 
While Mishael was Meshach,                                  
All part of old King Nebby's plan                           
                                                            
46902 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Christopher Goodwins     



Neb wanted some bright young men who                        
Were skillful in knowledge.  You'll do                      
Azarmah and Daniel,                                         
Hananiah, Mishael --                                        
Nebby gave them new names as you do!                        
                                                            
46903 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Christopher Goodwins     



Job came out in boils everywhere;                           
A thing that might make a man swear.                        
But sitting in ashes,                                       
Job scraped at his rashes,                                  
And spent a week pulling his hair.                          
                                                            
46904 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Christopher Goodwins     



On reading the old book of Judith,                          
A person cannot but concludeth                              
That the ways of our God                                    
Are exceedingly odd:                                        
A truth that this story exudeth.                            
                                                            
46905 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Armand E Singer       522



The Lord is my shepherd.  He leads me                       
Beside the still waters, he feeds me.                       
I walk without fear.                                        
Rod and staff show He's near!                               
The feast at his table, soon will be.                       
                                                            
46906 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Christopher Goodwins     



Comfort my people and speak                                 
Says God, and please tell them this week,                   
Their warfare is over,                                      
From sins now recover.                                      
It's true, both for strong and for weak.                    
                                                            
46907 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Christopher Goodwins     



God's holiness, greatness, and power                        
We praise, with loud music, each hour!                      
Harp, trumpet, and lute,                                    
Cymbals, dancers, and flute!                                
All who breathe -- praise God, our.                         
                                                            
46908 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Christopher Goodwins     



When Pan, full of classical bonhommie,                      
Met a maiden, she cried, "Don't get onna me!                
And the goats I keep, too,                                  
I forbid you to screw;                                      
I have just read a book -- Deuteronomy!"                    
                                                            
46909 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS                                  G1205



When the rapist attacked old Miss Rand                      
She got a firm grip on his gland.                           
Said the Lord, breaking wind,                               
"I'm afraid you have sinned.                                
For this I shall cut off your hand."                        
                                                            
46910 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Phil Cannibal       P9105



To Samaria the Lord one day slipped.                        
Heads of men with his sword there he clipped,               
And the children were dashed                                
Into pieces and mashed,                                     
And those women with child were all ripped.                 
                                                            
46911 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Albin Chaplin       P9106



Jeremiah the Prophet got stuck                              
Laminating parchments with muck.                            
With his beard full of glue,                                
He felt terribly blue --                                    
Quit depressed all the time, the poor schmuck.              
                                                            
46912 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Jim Weaver Collection    



"Jerry, boy," spake the Lord with a gleam,                  
"Hide your jockstrap unclean by the stream."                
Jerry did and did say,                                      
"Why it's rotted away!"                                     
Spake the Lord with a smile, "So it seem!"                  
                                                            
46913 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Phil Cannibal       P9103



Per instructions, the frau of Herr Schwartz                 
In the garbage did bury her shorts.                         
Then she said to him, "Herr,                                
They are unfit to wear."                                    
He said, "That's what you get for your sports!"             
                                                            
46914 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Phil Cannibal       P9103



The Lord in His wisdom so smart                             
Says my foreskin and I should both part,                    
But I question His sanity                                   
When He asks me with vanity                                 
For the foreskin I have in my heart.                        
                                                            
46915 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Phil Cannibal       P9104



Eglon of Moab, quite fat,                                   
In his penthouse privy sat.                                 
Southpaw Ehud                                               
Skewered him good.                                          
The Israelites laughed at that.                             
                                                            
46916 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Jim Jambor          P9106



As the sexual lore, mostly tribal,                          
Became the Law, sacred and scribal,                         
The only sex manual                                         
From King David to Daniel                                   
Was Leviticus in the old Bible.                             
                                                            
46917 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              A. N. Wilkins       P9108



The Lord treats me just like a sheep,                       
My wants are all filled in a leap.                          
I must lie in the grass                                     
By a lake clear as glass                                    
And my soul is made no longer cheap.                        
                                                            
46918 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Arthur Deex         P8604



To Naomi, Ruth, "Withered thou growest.                     
And being thou old, whether thou knowest                    
Or not, thou might stray                                    
And not find thy way,                                       
So therefore I say, "Whither thou goest...'"                
                                                            
46919 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Irving Superior     P9004



God utters the words of creation,                           
Abraham fathers a nation.                                   
Old Testament gloom;                                        
Jesus raised from his tomb;                                 
Acts, Letters, and then Revelation.                         
                                                            
46920 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS              Richard Long             



A good wife must be thoughtful and sweet                    
And if husband is late, be discreet.                        
Although dinner is cold                                     
There is no need to scold,                                  
For perhaps somewhere else he did eat.                      
                                                            
46921 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0885



I woke with a smile on my face,                             
For with me slept Carole, in lace.                          
What a way to awake,                                        
Made my trouser snake quake;                                
As my tongue lapped her tight smilely space.                
                                                            
46922 ORAL - CUNN                    John Gearhart            



There was a young fellow named Mellin,                      
And this is the story they're tellin';                      
He spelt cunt with a "k"                                    
And his reason was, "Say,                                   
I'm much better at eatin' than spellin'."                   
                                                            
46923 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0859



There was a young fellow named Menzies,                     
Whose kissing sent girls into frenzies.                     
But a virgin one night                                      
Crossed her legs in a fright,                               
And fractured his bifocal lenses!                           
                                                            
46924 ORAL - CUNN                                        G0884



Said a lass to a lecher named Legman:                       
"Get up off you knees, and don't beg, man.                  
With your tongue in my pussy,                               
And your necktie all juicy,                                 
You look like a butter-&-egg man."                          
                                                            
46925 ORAL - CUNN                                        G0869



A talented artist named Merritt                             
Was painting a nude in his garret,                          
And he said, with great lust,                               
"I must wolf it, I must,                                    
For I fear I can no longer bear it."                        
                                                            
46926 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0860



On the track, the guy ran in the race;                      
He kept up an incredible pace.                              
But while he was running,                                   
I was ever so cunning,                                      
Got his girlfriend to sit on my face.                       
                                                            
46927 ORAL - CUNN                                             



In Baghdad I've found me a wench                            
Whose muscles invariably clench                             
When I drop to my knees                                     
And give her a squeeze,                                     
While kissing her deep in her trench.                       
                                                            
46928 ORAL - CUNN                    Hugh Clary               



There was an Old Person of Chile,                           
Whose conduct was painful and silly;                        
He sat on the stairs                                        
Eating apples and pears,                                    
And Alice and Shirley and Millie.                           
                                                            
46929 ORAL - CUNN                    Edwardian Leer 021       



An Arab Emir from Kuwait                                    
Can be found 'mid the vengeance and hate,                   
In a moment of stasis                                       
Beside an oasis,                                            
Beneath a palm, eating his date.                            
                                                            
46930 ORAL - CUNN                    Martin Wellborn     P8308



You screamed out in pain of delight                         
As I tongued your drain through the night                   
The threat of the chain                                     
[I have to explain]                                         
Did nought to restrain, just excite...                      
                                                            
46931 ORAL - CUNN                                             



The vending machine made by Steiner                         
Made profits from New York to China.                        
A dime got you cokes,                                       
And a quarter bought smokes;                                
For a buck you could eat a vagina.                          
                                                            
46932 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1297



A fellow with love-making flair,                            
Was licking his sweetie "down there";                       
When a small puff of gas                                    
Was released from her ass,                                  
He said "Ah, that's a breath of fresh air."                 
                                                            
46933 ORAL - CUNN                    Pickelmeister            



Priscilla reacted with wonder                               
When Australian kisses I gunned her.                        
They're the same as the French                              
'Cause you clinch with a wench,                             
But then they are given down under.                         
                                                            
46934 ORAL - CUNN                    Hugh Clary               



A diet, I think I will try;                                 
No bake, no boil, no fry.                                   
It will please her                                          
Angel or sleazer,                                           
When I eat out at the Y.                                    
                                                            
46935 ORAL - CUNN                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Greeks are a fanciful race.                             
They've a game that I'll cite as a case.                    
The rules, more or less,                                    
Are that you have to guess                                  
A girl's weight, as she sits on your face.                  
                                                            
46936 ORAL - CUNN                    Bob Giandomenico    P9210



Said the frightened young fellow names Keith,               
"I'm afraid I've grown hair 'tween my teeth."               
He was shaken with fright,                                  
Then thought of last night,                                 
Remembered, and smiled with relief.                         
                                                            
46937 ORAL - CUNN                    Arnie Schoenbrun   P0310 



While painting his model, old Pete                          
Observed how she spread out her feet                        
To expose her vagina.                                       
So he said, "Angelina,                                      
I must go to the kitchen to eat."                           
                                                            
46938 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1289



I'm terribly sorry you're sick, Nick,                       
And I'm glad that the poison's not strychnic.               
It's that fat girl you ate--                                
What's her name?  Oh, yes, Kate.                            
You just overate on the picnic.                             
                                                            
46939 ORAL - CUNN                                        G2733



A girl of great height was Miss Hunt;                       
Her man was a very small runt.                              
When in front he did face her                               
And reached up to embrace her,                              
He was faced with a faceful of cunt.                        
                                                            
46940 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0830



I hear in the coo of a dove                                 
And also the wind words of love,                            
Then I think how I hate                                     
This great burden of weight,                                
As heavyset Babs squats above.                              
                                                            
46941 ORAL - CUNN                    Travis Brasell           



When eating a veggie, beware!                               
Be sure your proceeding with care.                          
Chomp-Lick, Oh what fun!                                    
And now that you're done,                                   
Help her back up into her wheelchair.                       
                                                            
46942 ORAL - CUNN                    Yagno's Train            



There once was a man named Skinner,                         
Whose wife had a TV set in her.                             
It was stuck in her crotch,                                 
So he'd nibble and watch,                                   
Thus inventing the first TV dinner.                         
                                                            
46943 ORAL - CUNN                                             



A massive minge eater was he,                               
Till he dined on a cunt with VD.                            
His throat is all burned,                                   
And his stomach it churned,                                 
And he showed her what he'd had for tea.                    
                                                            
46944 ORAL - CUNN                    Anon                     



There once was a lady named Lizard,                         
Who got lost in a pink candy blizzard,                      
With a fellow named Jim                                     
Who wanted to swim                                          
Up her legs to visit her gizzard.                           
                                                            
46945 ORAL - CUNN                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Crassus                      
Whose girl was the finest of lasses.                        
When he kissed her goodnight,                               
Her legs closed so tight,                                   
That she fractured the frames of his glasses.               
                                                            
46946 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0804



A happy old hooker named Grace,                             
Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.                         
It was hard for beginners                                   
To tell who were winners,                                   
With cunt hairs all over the place.                         
                                                            
46947 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin 3024  G0853



They had no bread on their plate,                           
So Marie said, "Now listen here, mate.                      
Young Kate is quite tasty.                                  
They may like a pastry;                                     
So why don't we let them eat Kate?"                         
                                                            
46948 ORAL - CUNN                                             



She asked him "Please don't ever quit,"                     
As he sucked on her supple left tit.                        
And with talented mouth,                                    
He headed down south,                                       
And finished her, lickety split.                            
                                                            
46949 ORAL - CUNN                    Clark                    



There once was a tuna named Charley,                        
Who ate women out on his Harley.                            
He said, "I'm tuna, not fluke;                              
The smell won't make me puke,                               
So I go down on them like I'm Bob Marley.                   
(Bob Marley - country-western TV personality)               
46950 ORAL - CUNN                                             



I can't thank my neighbors enough,                          
Two spinsters, Miss Heave and Miss Huff,                    
For being so wise                                           
And spreading the thighs                                    
Of Barb, while I ate out her muff.                          
                                                            
46951 ORAL - CUNN                                             



Delightful it was to the eye                                
To catch glimpses of feminine thigh.                        
Or to bury my face                                          
Betwixt panties of lace,                                    
And silk stocking tops;  Heaven!  I sigh.                   
                                                            
46952 ORAL - CUNN                                             



Face sitting is not my ambition;                            
It's truly a frightful position.                            
Makes cramps in my thighs,                                  
And 'cause of my size,                                      
There must be on hand, a physician.                         
                                                            
46953 ORAL - CUNN                                             



"It is odd," said a doctor named Nate.                      
"I have seen some strange cases of late.                    
It was only last week                                       
Came a young lady meek                                      
And she claimed she was nine before ate."                   
                                                            
46954 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin            



A fine German lady named Katsy                              
Had a chest that was totally flat. She                      
Declared, "No disgrace!                                     
If I sit on your face                                       
While you're eating, what matter can that be?"              
                                                            
46955 ORAL - CUNN                    John Miller              



Some men have a taste hard to match;                        
The feeblest excuses they'll hatch.                         
They will raise a big stink,                                
For a hair in their drink,                                  
But think nothing of eating a snatch.                       
                                                            
46956 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1279



"The chill makes my nipples so perky,"                      
Said the debutante from Albuquerque.                        
"They get my lover excited,                                 
And without being invited,                                  
He goes down -- gobbles me like a turkey!"                  
                                                            
46957 ORAL - CUNN                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The beach may be nice but it's hotter                       
To take pleasure out in the water.                          
The waves crest and roll                                    
And soon take their toll.                                   
It's the licking and lapping that got her.                  
                                                            
46958 ORAL - CUNN                    Robyn                    



A popular athlete was Pete;                                 
A winner who gave fans a treat.                             
It was rumored in town                                      
That he often went down,                                    
But he never went down in defeat.                           
                                                            
46959 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0863



A nearsighted lady was Kate                                 
Who learned to discern rather late.                         
She played with her toys                                    
With the girls and the boys,                                
But she knew not her sex until ate.                         
                                                            
46960 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2135



When a kinky old loner named Chase,                         
Had a sitter report to his place,                           
And she asked, "There's a kid?"                             
He said, "No, there's an id!                                
You're a sitter...So sit on my face!"                       
                                                            
46961 ORAL - CUNN                                             



A lesbian lady named Maud,                                  
Got into the WACs by a fraud.                               
With a tongue, long and knobby,                             
She raped Col. Hobby,                                       
And now she's a major, by God!                              
                                                            
46962 ORAL - CUNN                                        L0414



I once knew a couple of ho's;                               
When you're single, man, that's how it goes.                
One would position                                          
Her ass (intuition?)                                        
Directly right over my nose.                                
                                                            
46963 ORAL - CUNN                    Dudesdead                



A crusader, whose fling had been flung,                     
Returned to his wife sweet and young;                       
And discovered her with                                     
A rouguish locksmith                                        
Who was picking her lock with his tongue.                   
                                                            
46964 ORAL - CUNN                    Martin Wellborn     P8901



When Jane viewed the prod of young Bert,                    
She cried, "Oh my God, will it hurt?"                       
But Bert lit a match,                                       
And ignited her snatch,                                     
And went down for the flaming dessert.                      
                                                            
46965 ORAL - CUNN                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1244



Sue condescends with a big frown on her,                    
Which brings on the scorn of the town on her,               
But it hardly explains                                      
Whenever she deigns,                                        
Her boyfriends' so soon getting down on her.                
                                                            
46966 ORAL - CUNN                    Armand E Singer       411



The vicar's wife always assails                             
The cunt-eating habits of males.                            
But she thinks it is fine                                   
When she sits down to dine                                  
On fish eggs and butter-dipped snails.                      
                                                            
46967 ORAL - CUNN                    Travis Brasell           



Dressed to the nines, stunningly,                           
I inquired of her ethnicity.                                
She replied with a joke;                                    
It was French that she spoke,                               
So I showed her my tongue, cunningly.                       
                                                            
46968 ORAL - CUNN                                             



On the telly is Ms. Courtney Cox,                           
Who is really one helluva fox!                              
Do you think if I'm hung                                    
And extended my tongue,                                     
She would let me slide into her box?                        
                                                            
46969 ORAL - CUNN                    Renaissance Guy          



"Fucked by the finger of fate!"                             
Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.                         
"Since dating Miss Baugh,                                   
My whole tongue has been raw.                               
It must have been something I ate."                         
                                                            
46970 ORAL - CUNN                    Grand Prix Lim  475 G0847



The Wolf said to Red, "There's no doubt                     
You'll soon be my dinner; don't pout!"                      
Red replied, "Bless my soul,                                
Will you then eat me whole?"                                
"On, no, I will spit that part out!!"                       
                                                            
46971 ORAL - CUNN                    John Dohner         P8712



The pretty lady just down the street,                       
Her pussy would be such a treat;                            
I'd offer her a beer                                        
If she let me near;                                         
On her succulent quim I would eat.                          
                                                            
46972 ORAL - CUNN                    Toolman                  



Big Mama is now teaching German                             
To Lester, Butch, Junior, and Herman;                       
Those guys are quite young,                                 
But each has a tongue,                                      
So lingual Big Mama is squirmin'.                           
                                                            
46973 ORAL - CUNN                    Travis Brasell           



There was a old warden of Wadham, he                        
Was very much given to sodomy.                              
But he shyly confessed,                                     
"I like tongue-fucking best,                                
God bless my soul, isn't it odd of me?"                     
(Published 1870)                                            
46974 ORAL - CUNN                                        L0443



Now lest you think such verse could bring us                
To salacious lines about lingus,                            
Please do have no fear,                                     
For it is quite clear                                       
That the tongue is as dear as the dingus.                   
                                                            
46975 ORAL - CUNN                    Daniel Ford              



There was a young lady named Doris,                         
Who had a humongous clitoris.                               
She'd sit on your face,                                     
But first you said Grace                                    
"For all the treasures before us."                          
                                                            
46976 ORAL - CUNN                                             



I've always thought it quite weird                          
To be tickled beneath with a beard.                         
The best that I've had                                      
Was a young virile lad,                                     
Much better laid than hear-ed.                              
                                                            
46977 ORAL - CUNN                    Anna Gates               



There was a young fellow from France,                       
Who waited ten years for his chance.                        
Then he muffed it.                                          
                                                            
                                                            
(A three-liner)                                             
46978 ORAL - CUNN                                             



We know cunnilingus is grand.                               
But what I cannot understand,                               
Who was the first guy                                       
To give it a try?                                           
I think we should give him a hand.                          
                                                            
46979 ORAL - CUNN                    Larry J. Davis      P9409



There's a woman who wanted somehow                          
To be kissed from her feet to her brow.                     
She's been kissed on her lips,                              
On her toes and her hips,                                   
But I wonder who's kissing her now.                         
                                                            
46980 ORAL - CUNN                    Tom Patton          P0108



There was a young Scotsman named Leith,                     
Caught gobbling the goop on the heath.                      
But he broke jail, by Jove,                                 
With a rope that he wove                                    
Out of hairs that he plucked from his teeth.                
                                                            
46981 ORAL - CUNN                                        G0871



An agressive young lover named Pace                         
Spied a sweet little lass and gave chase.                   
He made Candace his bride,                                  
Now his love can't hide...                                  
He's got Candy all over his face!                           
                                                            
46982 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Observer                 



An old backwood trapper named McDeever,                     
Came home to his wife just to cleave her.                   
"Mac, with me, ye'll not lie                                
Till you've eaten fur pie!                                  
You're a master at dining on beaver."                       
                                                            
46983 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Wiley                    



"Well dear, all I will do is dine.                          
I know that you like it rain or shine.                      
I can't fuck till I spout;                                  
I'd probably pass out;                                      
Last night's beaver was a porcupine!"                       
                                                            
46984 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           S C Saint                



With buttocks all cut up and bleeding,                      
Young Bruner, went to the doc, pleading.                    
The doctor inquired                                         
Just what had traspired,                                    
Requiring this aid that you're needing?"                    
                                                            
46985 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Observer                 



"Well, while in an amorous mood,                            
My girlfriend and I, in the nude,                           
Heard noises above,                                         
Disrupting our love-                                        
Makeing and utter chaos ensued!"                            
                                                            
46986 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Observer                 



The young patient smiled and then said,                     
"The chandelier fell, while in bed...                       
Just one minute sooner,"                                    
Reflected young Bruner,                                     
"And it would have splattered my head."                     
                                                            
46987 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Observer                 



A Frenchman who lived in Alsace                             
Had sex with a virgin named Grace.                          
When he popped her cherry,                                  
She made things quite hairy                                 
By bleeding all over his face.                              
                                                            
46988 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



"I remember where you I first kissed."                      
Billy said as they reminisced                               
"I remember, too"                                           
Replied Susie Q.                                            
"And if my Dad knew, he'd be pissed!"                       
                                                            
46989 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



In Queensland she was filled with wonder,                   
Her heart beating with sounds like thunder.                 
This charming young miss                                    
Got her first French kiss,                                  
In the space at a place down under.                         
                                                            
46990 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Tom Patton               



Ath if talking weren't hard enough,                         
Ith twith ath hard to thay thith thuff,                     
With a tongue tha'th intherted                              
While I am inverted.                                        
My tongue'th buried deep in your muff!                      
                                                            
46991 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Jon                      



Foregive me for being so dumb;                              
My mind is a little bit numb.                               
So please continue                                          
With this slow tongue screw,                                
But don't try to speak, dear, just hum.                     
                                                            
46992 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Carol                    



My wife had me begging and pleading,                        
For the sex I was desperately needing.                      
She showed me her snatch,                                   
And she said, "Here's the catch!                            
No screwing until you're done feeding!"                     
                                                            
46993 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Wiley                    



Knowing that Dick had the knack                             
Of tonguing a nub in a crack,                               
Jane said to him,                                           
"No poking my quim                                          
Until I have finished your snack!"                          
                                                            
46994 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           H WHELCHEL               



Randy Beckswyth, a Florida Gator,                           
Bandied sex with a florid debater.                          
She favored fellation,                                      
And he, copulation,                                         
But, not prone to debate her, he ate her.                   
                                                            
46995 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Pierce Evans             



She guided his head to her lap                              
Where soon his tongue filled Ginger's gap.                  
She moaned and she groaned;                                 
He slipped her the bone.                                    
Would this make sweet Ginger snap?                          
                                                            
46996 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Little Richard           



A fisherman, near Buenavista,                               
Thought he'd have an affair with his sista.                 
But he turned her down cold                                 
When at length he was told                                  
All the ways that his buddies had kista.                    
                                                            
46997 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Keith MacMillan       19d



My temp always goes on the rise,                            
When I think of your creamy thighs,                         
And how I'll enjoy them                                     
As I employ them,                                           
To hold my head tight like a vise.                          
                                                            
46998 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



The buffalo hunter named Grange                             
Was courting a lady so strange,                             
For he kissed what was hairy                                
'Neath the stars on the prairie,                            
Then he fucked her at home on the range.                    
                                                            
46999 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Albin Chaplin   3024-2973



A babe with good feet is a treat,                           
With nice legs that cannot be beat.                         
To stroke and caress                                        
Up under that dress,                                        
A nice juicy package to eat!                                
                                                            
47000 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Coolbreeze               



There's a horny young Kate from Combe Bisset                
With ass miles across, you can't miss it.                   
With feminine wiles                                         
Her boyfriend she beguiles,                                 
When she sits on his face and says, "Kiss it!"              
                                                            
47001 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Peter Wilkins            



A cousin of Peter Roget                                     
Showed Peter her pussy one day;                             
Although it's illicit,                                      
He puckered to kiss it                                      
Before she could snatch it away.                            
                                                            
47002 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



The best part is right in the middle;                       
The part where a woman makes piddle.                        
And if it is shaven,                                        
Then I'm really cravin'                                     
To lick it awhile and then diddle.                          
                                                            
47003 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



"In foreplay, I love best one bit,"                         
Said Tom, "More than sucking a tit,                         
Or probing with fingers,                                    
And that's cunnilingus;                                     
I go at it licketysplit!"                                   
                                                            
47004 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Tiddy Ogg                



So busy a lawyer was Gene,                                  
He passed up his wife's fine cuisine,                       
But his wife, so sedate,                                    
Painted cunts on his plate,                                 
And now daily he licks his plate clean.                     
                                                            
47005 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1265



We guys with gals do what we must                           
In order to maximize thrust;                                
By slicking their slot                                      
With licking a lot,                                         
We hence, loosen lust, dust, and rust.                      
                                                            
47006 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Travis Brasell           



A long-legged beauty from Hannibal                          
Was sunning all parts that were tannable.                   
When fingering a peter,                                     
Some guy tried to eat her                                   
(By which I don't mean he's a cannibal).                    
                                                            
47007 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Armand E Singer       187



To a lad, a young girl named McLure                         
Showed her pussy, so sweet and so pure.                     
"There's no hair!" the man cried,                           
And the young girl, replied,                                
"It's for licking, it's not quite mature."                  
                                                            
47008 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0858



No matter, I think, what one's taste is,                    
We wonder, in so many cases,                                
What nutrients lacking                                      
Complels one to snacking                                    
On treats from olfactory places?                            
                                                            
47009 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Jodi B                   



My neighbor eats glass; Can you beat it?                    
This I heard through the walls; I'll repeat it:             
"I can't be your Don Juan                                   
Till I get you turned on,                                   
So turn off the light and I'll eat it!"                     
                                                            
47010 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           John Miller 0043         



A virgin there was at Penn State,                           
Whose hunger would just not abate.                          
He said with a grin,                                        
"What a sin 'twould have been                               
To eat out my date on a plate."                             
                                                            
47011 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Terl                     



I hate it when little girls cry,                            
And keep asking dumb things like "Why?"                     
But when they're all grown,                                 
I sure love their tone                                      
Of voice when they ask, "Piece of pie?"                     
                                                            
47012 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Travis Brasell           



Happy Valentine's Day to the boys                           
From one of your favorite toys.                             
To make my heart quicken,                                   
Just give me a lickin';                                     
You'll find yourself shouting with joy                      
                                                            
47013 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



"Oh Rammie, you really are sweet;                           
Come here, and kneel at my feet.                            
As you part my thighs,                                      
You will hear my deep sighs.                                
Oh Boy!! Are you in for a treat!"                           
                                                            
47014 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



While your plan sounds really divine                        
There's one thing you must keep in min':                    
With desire I'm burstin',                                   
For Rammie I'm thirstin',                                   
And I'm at the head of the line.                            
                                                            
47015 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



I'm 'Princess of the Night' that's enough;                  
Though a blond, to beat, I'm quite tough!                   
I've got training and skills                                
To give Ram-me thrills                                      
You can bet that I'm up to snuff!                           
                                                            
47016 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



There was an old fellow named Tuckem,                       
Who like little girls and would suck 'em.                   
When their cunts were hirsute,                              
They would tickle his snoot,                                
And he'd rip off their panties and fuck 'em.                
                                                            
47017 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Albin Chaplin 3024  G0915



I'll bite your sweet bits if you bare 'em.                  
I'll chew 'em but my teeth won't tear 'em.                  
I'll lick 'em and suck 'em                                  
And thoroughly fuck 'em,                                    
And your titties, like earmuffs, I'll wear 'em.             
                                                            
47018 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Jon gearhart             



Your poem has raised many cheers                            
From ladies and sluts and their peers.                      
Your delicate bite                                          
Roused shrieks of delight --                                
But cutting off tits got you jeers.                         
                                                            
47019 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Brian                    



Jon's not  going around chopping breasts,                   
When his head's buried in my chest.                         
Thus warming the ears,                                      
So he doesn't need shears,                                  
'Cause my double-D's work the best.                         
                                                            
47020 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Carol                    



There once was an old insomniac                             
Who wished that he'd taken a whack                          
At his neighbor's daughter.                                 
If he could've caught her,                                  
He'd have stuck his tongue in her crack.                    
                                                            
47021 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Marty              TP9807



As a man licked the asshole of Claire,                      
She complained in a tone of despair,                        
"Will you please try the cunt?"                             
And he said, with affront,                                  
"That's a bridge I will cross when I'm there."              
                                                            
47022 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0800



Don't squabble over something to eat.                       
I've a dish for the palate so sweet.                        
Though not a relation,                                      
I'm a taste sensation;                                      
Try my spicy hot tender pink meat.                          
                                                            
47023 ORAL - CUNN - BEFORE                                    



Coming home, late at night, Mr. Keaton                      
Did appear to his wife somewhat beaten.                     
She lay down on the bed                                     
And her pussy she spread,                                   
But he said he had already eaten.                           
                                                            
47024 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Albin Chaplin   3024-0838



The wondrous Gold Medal Elixer                              
Is a wondrous relationship fixer.                           
Foolish young Dingus                                        
Would not give cunnilingus,                                 
But now when he takes it, he licks her.                     
                                                            
47025 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Phil T                   



My cold nose drips all o'er the place;                      
On the keyboard I sneeze; a disgrace!                       
See, I've got bloodshot eyes;                               
It's, I guess, no surprise,                                 
That my Sweet Thing won't sit on my face!                   
                                                            
47026 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED                                    



This SARS outbreak leads me to ask:                         
In Hong Kong, if now you should bask                        
With head on the flow-                                      
Ers of yellow gals, how                                     
D'you lick her in surgical mask?                            
                                                            
47027 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Tiddy Ogg                



For days now, I've looked through the fence,                
I've found out which days Sue frequents.                    
And today she's alone,                                      
And I'm getting a bone;                                     
I'm going to get myself hence...                            
                                                            
47028 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED                                    



I've told her about my inspection,                          
And I know she can see my erection,                         
And we're both stripping bare,                              
But hold, have a care!                                      
I haven't brought rubber protection.                        
                                                            
47029 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED                                    



I have though another suggestion,                           
And ask her a straightforward question:                     
"Well, if you can't fuck it,                                
You always could suck it."                                  
"Oh god, no! I'll get indigestion."                         
                                                            
47030 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED                                    



Said an oldster of Isle Tiburon:                            
"I regret I have never been blown.                          
I am told it's sheer bliss;                                 
But it takes two for this;                                  
And I live on my isle all alone."                           
                                                            
47031 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           John P McKnight     P0303



There was a stout fellow named Fred,                        
Renowned for his style in the bed.                          
But when his root failed,                                   
The ladies just wailed;                                     
He could not master giving of head!                         
                                                            
47032 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Rick H                   



Why bet when you'll just lose yer money?                    
Nobody called your sorry ass "honey".                       
Is it the green on your teeth                               
Or your tongue underneath,                                  
The reason you can't lick no cunny?                         
                                                            
47033 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED                                    



A legal assistant named Alice                               
Craved a certain solicitor's phallus,                       
And indeed didn't mind                                      
That the contract she signed,                               
Cited no cunnilingus nor malice.                            
                                                            
47034 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Lims For Year - 01       



A sensitive youth from Pine Point                           
Had his nose rather put out of joint                        
When its curious tip                                        
Was held fast in the grip                                   
Of the thing that he hoped to annoint.                      
                                                            
47035 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Hugh Oliver          116a



There once was a lady named Dot;                            
For fifty cents you could get in her slot.                  
After seventy-five guys                                     
Jizzed only her thighs,                                     
I said, "I'd like to eat you...NOT!"                        
                                                            
47036 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Jim Weaver Collection    



I fancy myself a romantic;                                  
Passion makes my heart beat frantic.                        
With women I try                                            
Taking things slow; but I                                   
Sometimes lose myself in their antics.                      
                                                            
47037 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Zhang Zhongmin           



They tickle and tease with their tongues,                   
Arching backs and shaking their bungs.                      
Hover just out of reach,                                    
Just to hear me screech,                                    
When they got me tied to the rungs.                         
                                                            
47038 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Zhang Zhongmin           



The thing that I hate the worse,                            
Is when they will not quench my thirst.                     
I just love to lick                                         
On quim that is slick,                                      
And juicy and ready to burst.                               
                                                            
47039 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Zhang Zhongmin           



Some women think it is a sin                                
If there is no dick sliding in.                             
A tongue can not get                                        
Down where they're wet.                                     
They don't know what they are missin'.                      
                                                            
47040 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Zhang Zhongmin           



Said First Aid instructor Miss Reese:                       
"For faints put the head 'tween the knees.                  
No, Mr Legrand,                                             
You misunderstand;                                          
Your own. To use mine costs more fees."                     
                                                            
47041 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Tiddy Ogg                



The TV a person confronts                                   
With food-selling gimmicks and stunts;                      
They peddle with passion                                    
The low-caloried ration,                                    
But they never show men eating cunts.                       
                                                            
47042 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Albin Chaplin   3024-1251



The wife of a fellow named Hite                             
Said the headache she had was a fright.                     
But he said, with some thought,                             
"You can spread out your twat --                            
In your head I won't fuck you tonight."                     
                                                            
47043 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Albin Chaplin   3024-0195



Muff divers by Cupid are beaten,                            
When they fall for a mermaid's entreatin'.                  
With her bottom half fish,                                  
'Tis an unfulfilled wish                                    
With a dish that can never be eaten!                        
                                                            
47044 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Rowdy Jack               



He promised that he'd give her head,                        
Next time that he took her to bed.                          
But then he refused,                                        
So a cleaver she used,                                      
And decided to take it instead.                             
                                                            
47045 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Tiddy Ogg                



She just carried things way to far;                         
She's got his head home in a jar.                           
It's bloody and gory,                                       
My new trophy quarry.                                       
It looks best when viewed from afar.                        
                                                            
47046 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Marlene                  



So, oft when my praises are sung,                           
And we get down to it, he's done.                           
Out of shape he gets bent                                   
When I say "Be a gent,                                      
And finish me off with your tongue."                        
                                                            
47047 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Jeanie                   



So I guess I will just nurse my heart.                      
It's not enough to make me depart.                          
Guess the bloom's off the rose,                             
And the truth is, Lord knows,                               
I'm just married now to an old fart.                        
                                                            
47048 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Jeanie                   



A horny young nymph from Pittsburg                          
Joined up with the Naval Reserve.                           
The boys from the fleet                                     
Would come over to eat,                                     
But poon-tang was all that she'd serve.                     
                                                            
47049 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Rex                      



A strange old man named Eric Cliver                         
Worked daily as a honey bee hiver.                          
Until he got stung                                          
On the end of his tongue,                                   
And no longer could be a muff diver.                        
                                                            
47050 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED           Bill Canada              



Mary met snaggle-tooth Larry,                               
A fellow so weird it was scary.                             
She said, "Lick me right here                               
and I'll squeal in your ear!"                               
"I can't, hon," he said, "You're too hairy."                
                                                            
47051 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED                                    



"Too hairy!" she said, "I am not!                           
I have a most usual twat!                                   
It's only a fringe."                                        
Larry said with a twinge,                                   
"Mary I'd rather eat snot!"                                 
                                                            
47052 ORAL - CUNN - DENIED                                    



A doctoral student from Buckingham                          
Wrote this thesis on cunts and on fucking them.             
But a dropout from Paree                                    
Taught him gamahuchee,                                      
So he added a footnote on sucking them.                     
                                                            
47053 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



The new mayor to all did reveal                             
What was, for her cunt the best deal.                       
She chose for variety                                       
The Limerick Society,                                       
For their tongues were adept and facile.                    
                                                            
47054 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0872



The cunthole of Kate in Detroit                             
Was the size and shape of a quoit.                          
It proved hopeless, on viewing,                             
For conventional screwing,                                  
And lapping lured just the adroit.                          
                                                            
47055 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                               G0842



Said local historian, Hunt,                                 
Whose language was known to be blunt,                       
"Muff diving's a treat,                                     
But you are what you eat,                                   
So everyone calls me a cunt."                               
                                                            
47056 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



I've a fetish that nobody knows:                            
It's kissing between ladies' toes.                          
And when I've asked a miss                                  
Between which toes to kiss,                                 
It's always been big toes she chose.                        
                                                            
47057 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Martin Wellborn     P9204



She was busty and lusty and single;                         
Oral sex made her whole body tingle.                        
So she went to French school                                
Where she knew, as a rule,                                  
That the male students there were bilingle.                 
                                                            
47058 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jemstone            P9911



Exclaimed a man from Northern Algiers,                      
"At cunnilingus I'm without peers!                          
But I didn't know squat,                                    
About handlin' a twat,                                      
Till I learned how to breath through my ears."              
                                                            
47059 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



You don't want my butt in your face,                        
Because then there's no breathing space.                    
Oh!  What's this I hear?                                    
You breathe through your ear?                               
I don't think that's really the case!                       
                                                            
47060 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



A comely young lady named Bricker                           
With men was decidedly slicker.                             
For she knew how to tease 'em,                              
And the tricks that would please 'em,                       
And knew how to hold on her licker.                         
                                                            
47061 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1245



In Milan, a young dyke named Orsini,                        
Served her lesbian friend a martini,                        
Then suggestively said,                                     
"Let's have pasta in bed!"                                  
Which of course, meant cunnilinguini.                       
                                                            
47062 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



A silver-tongued linguist so cunning,                       
Had a muse whose muse juices were running.                  
She came hard as he ate her;                                
Cried "You master debater!"                                 
His speeches were really quite stunning.                    
                                                            
47063 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



In college I took statistics                                
And some classes, slightly artistic.                        
I got my degree                                             
In marketing, you see,                                      
But my specialty was cunning-linguistics.                   
                                                            
47064 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           John Gearhart            



Penelope Posonby-Smythe                                     
Was exceedingly agile and lithe.                            
She'd bend over backwards,                                  
Her tongue pointing crackwards,                             
And lick her sweet pussy and writhe.                        
                                                            
47065 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



Some circus sideshow girls contort                          
And bend themselves all out of sort.                        
I wonder at night                                           
When out goes the light,                                    
If they bend to lick their own port.                        
                                                            
47066 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



A naval lieutenant, named Phipps                            
Would perform oral sex during trips.                        
The lass in his bunk                                        
Would wiggle her trunk,                                     
As he went down to the she in sips.                         
                                                            
47067 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Tom Patton          P9811



Two dykes went their separate routes:                       
Said one, "I just don't give two hoots.                     
No common tie linked us                                     
Except cunnilinctus,                                        
And a penchant for Brooks Brothers suits.                   
                                                            
47068 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                               G0898



A homely young fellow named Schwartz                        
Was cherished by girls of all sorts.                        
He had ears, so I'm told,                                   
That were easy to hold,                                     
And his tongue simply bristled with warts.                  
                                                            
47069 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0879



Said the Galloping Gourmet, "Oh my!                         
Such a delicacy is hair pie,                                
I don't need to anoint                                      
It with oil from my joint,                                  
I can eat it just plain --(chomp!...long sigh)."            
                                                            
47070 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Robin K. Willoughby P8601



To the druggist, a man of Lapeer                            
Said, "You've cunts made of rubber, I hear."                
Said the druggist, "We do.                                  
Shall I wrap one for you?"                                  
He said, "No, I will eat it right here."                    
                                                            
47071 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1272



You've sampled each holiday cookie,                         
Called in sick (nothing like playing hooky),                
But the neatest new treat                                   
(Sure beats beating your meat)                              
Is eating the sweetmeat named Nooky!                        
                                                            
47072 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Nooky                    



A moral young lady named Pease                              
Stuffed her pussy with lunch meat and cheese.               
A man took her to bed                                       
And he ate it with bread,                                   
And he said, "Pass the beer, if you please."                
                                                            
47073 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1286



So he wasn't as hard as steel,                              
But still managed to make me squeal,                        
When, as quick as a fox,                                    
He enveloped my box,                                        
With a tongue like an epileptic eel!                        
                                                            
47074 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



The awful French chef, Andre Barber,                        
Went down on a ship in the harbor.                          
It's not what you think;                                    
The ship didn't sink.                                       
He went down on the sweet Mrs. Farber                       
                                                            
47075 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



Mr. Farber found out what was doing.                        
He said as his anger was brewing,                           
"He deserves a good beating                                 
For screwing my eating.                                     
I'll be damned if he'll eat up my screwing."                
                                                            
47076 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



Whips and chains, it's often said,                          
Lead to better times in bed,                                
But I take my ladies                                        
All the way to Hades,                                       
With frequent tender loving head.                           
                                                            
47077 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



While the waitress was serving the tray,                    
She was flashing her cunt such a way                        
That a diner named Bert                                     
Said, "I'll eat for dessert                                 
A fresh cherry split a la toupee."                          
                                                            
47078 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1299



That hearthrug-pie fancier, Hicks,                          
Prefers young girls fresh from the sticks.                  
Says he: "For the tongue,                                   
Get 'em dewy and young.                                     
It's then you get in your best licks."                      
                                                            
47079 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Grand Prix Lim  727 G0856



It's said by some, that they smell fishy,                   
But if served with a very nice missie,                      
There is no reason why                                      
I should let it pass by;                                    
I will even give it a hot kissie.                           
                                                            
47080 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



A legman from Research Immoral                              
Got hung up, it appears, on the oral.                       
Asked to do the statistics                                  
On cunnilinguistics,                                        
He said, "I might give it whorel!"                          
                                                            
47081 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           G Legman            G0860



From the office came newlywed Scott,                        
While upstairs his wife waited, distraught.                 
And when he got inside,                                     
Down the handrail she'd slide,                              
To prepare him a meal that was hot.                         
                                                            
47082 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1292



There was an old fellow named Hicks                         
Who dated a girl from the sticks.                           
Though they fought over straws,                             
It was not a lost cause,                                    
For he said he got in a few licks.                          
                                                            
47083 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0825



There was a young fellow named Case,                        
Who entered a cunt-lapping race.                            
He licked his way clean,                                    
Through number thirteen                                     
But then slipped and got pissed in the face.                
                                                            
47084 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin 3024  G0835



He was glad he had begun this affair,                       
As he bent her over the chair.                              
With her legs spread apart,                                 
He could see that this tart                                 
Was his favorite dessert, his eclair.                       
                                                            
47085 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Charlotte                



Canny linguist Rene from Alsace,                            
Had a tongue trained to fit in the space,                   
To unerringly hit,                                          
The "G" spot in the slit,                                   
For his effort was spit in the face.                        
                                                            
47086 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Bob Giandomenico    P0306



The world's finest bookstores now have                      
My newest book: 'Field trips with Trav';                    
It's all about hiking                                       
And biking and liking                                       
To lick the slick snatch of a Slav.                         
                                                            
47087 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Travis Brasell           



I remember the night that I ate                             
The girls' hockey team at Penn State.                       
I worked my way round                                       
As they lay on the ground --                                
Not unlike a wild rose - imbricate.                         
(imbricate - overlapped at the margins)                     
47088 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Martin Wellborn     P8309



I have eaten good dinners for years;                        
For the specials of chefs, give three cheers.               
But nothing can beat                                        
This delectable treat:                                      
My head in a cunt to the ears.                              
                                                            
47089 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-2406



Said the Bishop of Bonne, " 'Pon my word,                   
When eating a cunt, it's absurd                             
To draw back or to flinch,                                  
For you're clear a full inch                                
If you come face to face with a turd."                      
                                                            
47090 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1116



A quick-tongued young fellow named Keating                  
Once gave a girl's clit such a beating                      
That she said in a daze,                                    
"My snatch is ablaze."                                      
Said he, "Must you smoke while I'm eating?"                 
                                                            
47091 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Bob Giandomenico    P9007



A horny Italian Pastor                                      
At cunnilingus was a master;                                
"When they lie on their backs,                              
And I lick their cracks,                                    
They wiggle and squirm so much faster."                     
                                                            
47092 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



McDonalds? Too expensive a dish.                            
Even value meals are on my list wish.                       
But I'd be just as happy                                    
To eat on her 'nappy'.                                      
Close my eyes and imagine it's fish.                        
                                                            
47093 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



Even though he has only a pinky,                            
He always has dates, Willie Winkie,                         
Ask any miss,                                               
"Where did he kiss?"                                        
They blush and say "Somewhere that's stinky!"               
                                                            
47094 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           M Demers                 



There was a young chap in Arabia,                           
Who courted a widow named Fabia.                            
"Yes, my tongue is as long                                  
As the average man's dong.'                                 
He said, licking the lips of her labia.                     
                                                            
47095 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                               G0824



Said a wimpy Chinese lad, a twit,                           
"If ladies request, I do it.                                
They like fast or slow,                                     
So that pace I go,                                          
And comply, doing lickety-split."                           
                                                            
47096 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jane D. Hughes      P9301



My honey can't hope to be sweeter;                          
I give her a kiss when I greet her.                         
And do, furthermore,                                        
That which honey is for.                                    
To wit: open her, spread her, and eat her.                  
                                                            
47097 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



Muff-diving's like tasting champagne                        
One must try every vintage, it's plain;                     
Take a sip, swirl it 'round,                                
Spit it out, 'til you've found                              
One you'd like to sip time and again.                       
                                                            
47098 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



Though seized from waist down by paralysis,                 
His shrink cheered him with this analysis:                  
That when weak in the hips,                                 
One will find that the lips                                 
And the tongue as much fun as the phallus is.               
                                                            
47099 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Bob Giandomenico    P8801



He insisted on kissing her there,                           
Way down deep inside her pubic hair.                        
With practiced licks,                                       
The clit he would flick                                     
For orgasms were his favorite fare.                         
                                                            
47100 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           James Murray             



A major in language, Miss Lee,                              
Attended a school in Paris,                                 
So she'd master the tongue,                                 
But she said with head hung,                                
"I'm afraid that the tongue mastered me."                   
                                                            
47101 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0848



There was a lewd fellow named Duff,                         
Who loved to dive deep in the muff.                         
With his head in a whirl,                                   
He said, "Spread it, Pearl!                                 
I cunt get enough of the stuff!"                            
                                                            
47102 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                               G0846



She asked me if I could surmise,                            
Why pubies are curled on hair pies.                         
The reason, I said,                                         
As I gave her more head,                                    
Is that straight ones would poke out your eyes.             
                                                            
47103 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Irish                    



I get all my services free                                  
From the countess while over her knee.                      
In exchange for the thrashing,                              
She gets a tongue lashing,                                  
For no one is better than me!                               
                                                            
47104 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Peter Wilkins            



In Africa, near the equator,                                
A horny and handsome young waiter;                          
He charmed off the pants                                    
From a woman from France,                                   
And right there, on the table, he ate 'er.                  
                                                            
47105 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Cap'n Bean               



A disgusting old man was McGyver,                           
A crude and nasty muff diver!                               
He'd attend to a gash,                                      
For twenty bucks cash,                                      
Or lick your dog's ass for a fiver!                         
                                                            
47106 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



Bold cunnies are quite overrated.                           
But mind you, no twat's to be hated.                        
But fuzz on the peach                                       
Puts "mmmm..." in my speech;                                
These pussies are best oraltated.                           
                                                            
47107 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



Oragenital expert MacStroup                                 
Licked a lady so well, she did poop.                        
His amazing technique                                       
He developed last week,                                     
And perfected while slurping his soup.                      
                                                            
47108 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin            



My boyfriend who lives in L.A.                              
Is stealing my heart away!                                  
I'd sit on his face                                         
If he'd just name the place.                                
He pleases me so much that way.                             
                                                            
47109 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Lovs2Laf                 



For my age I still act very young,                          
Like a lion from his cage when he's sprung.                 
Though my speed's not as fast                               
As it was in the past,                                      
I am still in my prime with my tongue.                      
                                                            
47110 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



I dated a man with no weiner,                               
His ex could not have been meaner.                          
She got custody of                                          
His organs of love,                                         
But his tongue made a fine pussy cleaner.                   
                                                            
47111 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                              TP9802



It's true, menstruation's a waste                           
And can sometimes leave you red-faced.                      
I'm not talking about shame,                                
For no one's to blame;                                      
When muff diving, there's no bad taste.                     
                                                            
47112 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



An invention produced by young Keith                        
Was for men that licked girls underneath;                   
A most handy device                                         
Which he sold at low price,                                 
For removing the cunt hairs from teeth.                     
                                                            
47113 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0843



Mit Vergnugen! It's never with haste                        
That I tickle the taco and taste                            
Secretions so sweet,                                        
From the labial treat,                                      
And savor the morsels encased.                              
                                                            
47114 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



Yvonne found a small cunning dingus,                        
Which she gently caressed with her fingers.                 
And then with ambition,                                     
She changed her position                                    
And tried some auto-cunnilingus                             
                                                            
47115 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Archie                   



A Swedish whoremonger named Bork                            
Had a seven foot tongue like a fork.                        
Four tarts he'd array,                                      
Like sardines on a tray,                                    
And concurrently do clitty torque.                          
                                                            
47116 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           H WHELCHEL               



There was a young priest in Morocco                         
Whose motto was always quite macho.                         
He said, "To be blunt,                                      
I will eat your cunt.                                       
Why else 'twould be shaped like a taco?"                    
                                                            
47117 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



A pervy young fellow named Peter                            
Claimed to be the world's best pussy eater.                 
Said, "I'll lick a puss                                     
With a long, hairy bush,                                    
But snackin' on a shaved one is neater."                    
                                                            
47118 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Possum                   



I'm sure that you're big, tall, and strong,                 
And proud of the size of your dong.                         
But the man I adore                                         
Is all that and more.                                       
(And his tongue is six inches long!)                        
                                                            
47119 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           ERICKA                   



There was a young fellow of Alltree,                        
Whose parts were but puny and paltry.                       
But he knew how to do                                       
A neat gobbledegoo.                                         
[. . . . . . . . . . . cetera desunt]                       
(Four liner or maybe something missing? - McW)              
47120 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                               L1365



A hostess I once knew just sings                            
When sighting her favorite things.                          
I'd give her a hand                                         
For a take-off on land,                                     
Then soar while I'm spreading her wings.                    
                                                            
47121 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Frank Sfa                



A habit neglected when young                                
Was clitoral use of the tongue.                             
But now that I'm old,                                       
I've struck liquid gold,                                    
And many fat ladies have sung.                              
                                                            
47122 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



All of us big kahunas                                       
Like removing a girl's pantaloonas,                         
Then spreading her lips                                     
With fingertips,                                            
To dive for a swim with the tunas.                          
                                                            
47123 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Mr Malo                  



My big tongue will play masterpieces                        
All over you, if the thought pleases.                       
When your organ groans                                      
And her owner moans,                                        
I'll know that I've reached the right creases.              
                                                            
47124 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



He complained to friend Herman Young,                       
That lack of sex left him unstrung.                         
Said Herm, "Pencil dick,                                    
Just learn a new trick;                                     
The ladies go wild for my tongue."                          
                                                            
47125 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



Well Tongueman you sure have been missed,                   
There's no one around who can twist                         
Their tongue in a knot,                                     
Right on that hot spot;                                     
There isn't a girl who'd resist.                            
                                                            
47126 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



I can give any girl                                         
An unforgettable whirl.                                     
It's not that I'm hung,                                     
It's more that my tongue                                    
Is twelve inches long when unfurled!                        
                                                            
47127 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Mike M             TP9802



A man with two tongues name of Luntz                        
In speaking performed fancy stunts.                         
On a flute he could trill                                   
While he sang with great skill,                             
Or could lick on two pussies at once.                       
                                                            
47128 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0852



They found an Egyptian cartouche                            
Concerning a gent, Scaramouche.                             
He was born with two tongues,                               
So could probe ladies' bungs                                
While providing their loins gamahouche.                     
                                                            
47129 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



A young girl that smoked heavy, Miss Bright,                
Had a nicotine cunt -- 'twas a fright.                      
A bold fellow from Wheatley                                 
Learned to eat it discreetly,                               
After licking an ashtray each night.                        
                                                            
47130 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0795



There was a young man named O'Dare                          
Who maintained his teeth in repair.                         
After eating a snack                                        
He would brush front and back,                              
But the brush that he used was for hair.                    
                                                            
47131 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1283



A clean-thinking fellow named Potts                         
Would not entertain evil thoughts,                          
So he went everyplace                                       
With a mask on his face,                                    
For concealing his tongue which licked twats.               
                                                            
47132 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0868



An Asian who loved to eat nooky                             
Was considerably more than a rookie.                        
He said with a frown,                                       
As he dove on back down,                                    
"I would like a snatch fortune cookie."                     
                                                            
47133 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Gary Columbus            



True orgasms from you I'll win,                             
And I say this while wiping my chin.                        
For only I know                                             
How your juices do flow --                                  
There's no faking that wetness within!                      
                                                            
47134 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll lick your plate 'til it's clean;                       
With my tongue, I'll give it a sheen.                       
Not a drop will spill,                                      
While you get your fill.                                    
When I am through, you will beam!                           
                                                            
47135 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



I'll lick just the tip of your finger,                      
Then find other places to linger                            
Along the slow route.                                       
I doubt you'll stay mute                                    
When I tongue your clit with my zinger.                     
                                                            
47136 ORAL - CUNN - EXPERT                                    



When a certain young lass was much younger,                 
She requested a fellow to tongue 'er.                       
He was two inches deep                                      
And then fell asleep;                                       
An event that completely unstrung 'er.                      
                                                            
47137 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Isaac Asimov             



The clams are the best, that wear beards,                   
But they never are eaten by weirds,                         
Who avoid them like fiends,                                 
And are probably queens:                                    
Those sissified, dandified skeereds!                        
                                                            
47138 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



Said Professor Emeritus Keaton,                             
"Some contend Polish cunt can't be beaten,                  
But I've written a paper                                    
On the bowling ball caper.                                  
In a pinch bowling balls can be eaten."                     
                                                            
47139 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin            



A Frenchman we know of in Natchez                           
Has asthma attacks by the batches.                          
We heard that, Good Grief!                                  
His only relief                                             
Is actually breathing in snatches.                          
                                                            
47140 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Jane D. Hughes      P9111



In your cottage ath Lineburg Heath,                         
I athe whath you showeth beneath                            
Your wide quilthed frock,                                   
Goth a cock harth as rock,                                  
And a bushel of hair 'thween my theeth.                     
                                                            
47141 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



A sextet of nymphs and a satyr                              
Got stuck in a small elevator.                              
When rescued alive,                                         
The nymphs numbered five.                                   
Said the satyr: "The sixth one? I ate her!"                 
                                                            
47142 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Writerman                



My grandfather died in disgust:                             
An old whore, in whom he did trust,                         
Did not douche her twat                                     
(She said she forgot.)                                      
And grandfather choked on the dust.                         
                                                            
47143 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Travis Brasell           



Said a whore to the loser, "Don't yak, son.                 
I will treat you just like I do Jackson.                    
While you're running in front                               
You can lick at my cunt --                                  
While you're losing, you lick at the back, son."            
                                                            
47144 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0897



When John licked a harlot named Susie,                      
He slobbered all over the floozie.                          
So she said to him, "John,                                  
Let's go out on the lawn,                                   
And I'll show you how dogs lick my coozie."                 
                                                            
47145 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1674



My tongue will not lick where you sit                       
Unless you should sit on your clit.                         
My moustache would reek                                     
For nearly a week,                                          
And I've had enough of your shit!                           
                                                            
47146 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



My cunnilinguistical traits                                 
Have been told in the tails in all states.                  
So if you insist                                            
Being vaginally kissed,                                     
Spread-eagle as my tongue gyrates.                          
                                                            
47147 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Jon Gearhart             



If it's "tails" where they tell of your traits,             
Then your tongue, sir,'s in terrible straits.               
With its coating of brown,                                  
You'll never go down,                                       
'Less the girl gets exhorbitant rates.                      
                                                            
47148 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            John Miller              



A novice young fellow named Stan                            
Was screwing a whore in Milan.                              
'Twas his very first venture                                
In this type of adventure.                                  
"You must face it," she said, "like a man."                 
                                                            
47149 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0345



There was a young fellow named Mason                        
Whose spectacles needed replacin'.                          
For he lit up a match,                                      
To observe a fine snatch,                                   
But he slipped and fell down with his face in.              
                                                            
47150 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0855



There once was a poet of note,                              
Got a pubic hair caught in his throat.                      
It blew into his mouth                                      
On a wind from the south;                                   
Or at least, that's what he wrote.                          
                                                            
47151 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Stan                     



She spread her legs wide on the bed;                        
Said, "Come on, hot man, give me head!"                     
He started to cough,                                        
His head fell right off.                                    
"Oh, damn!  Was it something I said?"                       
                                                            
47152 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



In my heart you've a permanent place;                       
I'm enthralled by your charm and your grace.                
You give my heart ease,                                     
And now, if you please,                                     
Get your big grimy ass off my face!                         
                                                            
47153 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                G2458



Well just from what I already know,                         
It's a problem when the juices flow.                        
'Cause sopping wet knickers                                 
Can give one the snickers;                                  
What the hell, just give it a go!                           
                                                            
47154 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Spinner                  



My boyfriend got down on his knee,                          
And he told me how happy he'd be                            
When we'd gone down the aisle,                              
But he soon lost his smile                                  
When I asked him to go down on me.                          
                                                            
47155 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Robin K. Willoughby P8405



There once was a man from Alsace                            
Who had a girlfriend named Grace.                           
Some hot tea he'd sip,                                      
Then go down on her clit,                                   
And she'd piss all over his face.                           
                                                            
47156 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Puff Adder               



A woman picked up by two cops,                              
Was tightly begirded with strops.                           
Nonplussed by this dingus,                                  
One tried cunnilingus;                                      
All he got was a belt in the chops.                         
                                                            
47157 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Bob Giandomenico    P8902



"That cunt hair all down underneath,"                       
Complained a muff-diver named Keith,                        
"Always gets in my way,                                     
And it takes me a day                                       
Just to get it all out of my teeth."                        
                                                            
47158 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            A. N. Wilkins       P8602



The Hardy Boys, on an adventure,                            
Were both giving head when a denture                        
Broke off in front,                                         
And fell into the cunt                                      
Of (THE GIRL'S NAME THE CENSOR MUST CENSURE)                
                                                            
47159 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



Dick Morris in his downtown retreat,                        
His lady he would often meet.                               
It was his fate                                             
To triangulate,                                             
But he's best known for giving head to her feet.            
                                                            
47160 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Now I wonder where your brain went,                         
Or maybe it's just that big dent                            
You got from that squeeze,                                  
I made with my knees,                                       
'Cause honey you know where I meant!                        
                                                            
47161 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



A stylish young fellow named Nash                           
Was sporting a gorgeous moustache.                          
So his steady girl, Kate,                                   
Said, "No longer we'll date."                               
For it roughed up her thighs with a rash.                   
                                                            
47162 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0861



A handsome young fellow named Morris,                       
While licking his girl friend's clitoris,                   
Said to his girl, "Honey                                    
You sure do taste funny."                                   
Said she, "I've just douched with Lavoris."                 
                                                            
47163 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



There once was a cuntlapper's daughter,                     
Who, despite all her father had taught her,                 
Would become so unstrung                                    
At the touch of a tongue,                                   
That she'd deluge her beau with her water.                  
                                                            
47164 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                L0397



It's fun to lick pussy at night,                            
Whenever I feel a bit tight;                                
But I sure do hate                                          
Whenever my date                                            
Puts hers outside...damn, that ain't right!                 
                                                            
47165 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



A worldly old lady named Blugg                              
Was floored by an anxious young thug.                       
She said to him, "Sire,                                     
You had better try higher,                                  
For I fear you are licking the rug."                        
                                                            
47166 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0794



The King and the Queen, full of fire,                       
On the floor tried to quench their desire.                  
He complained of her dryness                                
But she said, "My dear Highness,                            
You are licking the rug, move up higher."                   
                                                            
47167 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin       P2006



There once was a bridegroom named Schmidt,                  
Could never find his wife's clit.                           
She complained all disgruntled:                             
"I love to be frontalled--                                  
Cunnilingus is my favorite bit!"                            
                                                            
47168 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                G0905



She grabbed both my ears and cried, "Listen!                
You're driving me wild with your kissin'.                   
So close, but oh my!                                        
Just a few inches high--                                    
Move down or you'll make me start pissin'!"                 
                                                            
47169 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                G0870



And that tongue, what's wrong with that?                    
He would lick much worse than the cat!                      
I did suggest lessons,                                      
That in 30 sessions,                                        
Would give orgasms to even a hat.                           
                                                            
47170 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



While sipping a strong margarita,                           
I spotted seductive Conchita.                               
After hours in bed,                                         
I gasped as I said,                                         
"Please let me breathe, Senorita."                          
                                                            
47171 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



He licked her all over with care,                           
Refusing to touch her "down there".                         
He said of her moss,                                        
"If I need dental floss,                                    
I'll buy some, not use pubic hair."                         
                                                            
47172 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            JoyClare                 



To her man, said a lady named Frood,                        
"Your manners are uncouth and crude.                        
Though you gobble your dinner                               
Like a famished muleskinner,                                
Don't you gobble my snatch like your food."                 
                                                            
47173 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-1262



(I'll be flamed for this fast, but here goes:)              
Though it pleases the girls, Heaven knows,                  
I don't like the flavor                                     
Returning the favor,                                        
And I can't without holding my nose.                        
                                                            
47174 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



Stan gave young Wendy a rush;                               
When kissing, he did more than blush.                       
He filled up her nook,                                      
With quarts of hot puke,                                    
And never 'gain kissed her sweet tush.                      
                                                            
47175 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Wise;                        
The beard that he grew was a prize,                         
But his dear wife was pained                                
And she loudly complained,                                  
For it terribly scratched up her thighs.                    
                                                            
47176 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0896



The pollution inspector, so droll,                          
Was eating a young lady's hole.                             
He ran into a fart                                          
And he said, with a start,                                  
"We must fix your emission control."                        
                                                            
47177 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0807



The English prof eating Miss Young                          
Had thoughtlessly licked at her bung,                       
So he said in apology,                                      
"I know nought of topology;                                 
Please exculpate this slip of the tongue."                  
                                                            
47178 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-3024



Tom recently saw Mary's pinkie,                             
And he dove, with his head, not his wrinkly,                
But his lips' aim, I fear,                                  
Was off, hit her rear...                                    
"It smells," mumbled Tom indistinctly.                      
                                                            
47179 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



The talk is that Carol is mothering                         
Young Jon on those lofty Heights Wuthering;                 
But Jon is near dead                                        
Because his whole head                                      
Is inside her twat and he's smothering.                     
                                                            
47180 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Travis Brasell           



"How can I get rid of," said the Kaiser,                    
"Pubic hair that's unwanted?"  His advisor                  
Replied, "Without doubt,                                    
You can just spit it out,                                   
Then rinse with a Schlitz or Budweiser!"                    
                                                            
47181 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            John Miller 0307         



A girl who liked sugar, Miss Kay,                           
Let her boyfriend eat pussy all day.                        
He ate well underneath,                                     
But did not brush his teeth                                 
And it caused all his teeth to decay.                       
                                                            
47182 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Albin Chaplin            



The young student was down on his knees,                    
While he tongued the Librarian's squeeze.                   
But as boys will be boys                                    
He was making much noise,                                   
So the old bookworm shushed, "Quiet, please!"               
                                                            
47183 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                     



Young Suzie went down on her boss,                          
A bitchy old dyke from Lacrosse...                          
"In my teeth they get stuck,                                
Your pubes when I suck!"                                    
"Shut up, and just use them as floss!"                      
                                                            
47184 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Tutta                    



There once was a man from Rangoon,                          
Who would only eat with a spoon.                            
His girlfriend said                                         
She wanted some head,                                       
And now their romance is in ruin.                           
                                                            
47185 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT            Puff Adder               



"It's dull in Duluth, Minnesota.                            
Of spirit, there's not an iota."                            
Complained Alice to Joe,                                    
Who tried not to show                                       
That he yawned in her snatch as he blowed her.              
                                                            
47186 ORAL - CUNN - INEPT                                L0416



A tongue-happy chappy named Mingus                          
For his sex kicks prefers cunnilingus.                      
One babe whom he savored                                    
Remarked, as he slavered:                                   
"It sure beats a bang with your dingus."                    
                                                            
47187 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0885



My biological clock                                         
Is thumping along, tick-tock.                               
I am reaching my peak;                                      
Satisfaction I seek;                                        
I find tongue more pleasing than cock.                      
                                                            
47188 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Kim & Sam                



So if your tongue is endowed                                
And you can make my pussy meow,                             
Come visit me quick                                         
And I'll suck your dick,                                    
While you tongue my furry, right now.                       
                                                            
47189 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Kim & Sam                



He said, "Do you like cunnilingus?                          
What's that? It's my tongue on your thingus."               
"Well I've never tried,                                     
But I'll give it a ride.                                    
It sounds better than using your dingus."                   
                                                            
47190 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          kj                       



There once was a woman from France                          
With a sex-hungry boyfriend named Lance.                    
But they wouldn't wed                                       
'Cause his penis was dead,                                  
And he ended up blowing his chance.                         
                                                            
47191 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Billy C1                 



Viagra, the little blue pill,                               
Can cure your impotence ills.                               
But blowjobs are better                                     
And hotter and wetter,                                      
More fun, and free, if she will!                            
                                                            
47192 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



He frustrates her till she could cry,                       
Because he continues to ply                                 
Her with exotic dishes,                                     
When all that she wishes:                                   
A simple box lunch at the Y.                                
                                                            
47193 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          John Miller 0149         



Since I'm such a talented ace,                              
I've cleaned up the whole dirty space.                      
The dishes are done;                                        
The trash is out, hon;                                      
It's time now, come sit on my face!                         
                                                            
47194 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



There was a young lady named Lees                           
Whose tits were as small as two peas.                       
When a boy started kissing,                                 
He thought they were missing,                               
So he kissed in the place where she pees.                   
                                                            
47195 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0868



There was a young Scotsman named Keith                      
Who said to his girl on the heath,                          
"What I'd like, Miss MacLouth,                              
Is a bust in the mouth."                                    
But she gave him a crack in the teeth.                      
                                                            
47196 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0840



When I feel my life's in a stew,                            
And there's nothing at all I can do,                        
She sits on my head;                                        
I forget all the dread,                                     
'Cause it's not just me gettin' screwed.                    
                                                            
47197 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



A tart tart in Tartary said,                                
"The moment I'm spread on the bed,                          
The Shah of Pazoozle                                        
Has his nose in my coozle...                                
For ten years his poozle's been dead."                      
                                                            
47198 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Grand Prix Lim  818      



A well-hung young fellow named Zeeter                       
Was blessed with a twelve-inch long peter.                  
Said a lady, so thrilled,                                   
"Now my cunt will be filled!"                               
But young Zeeter proceeded to eat her.                      
                                                            
47199 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0648



Though a finicky cocksman named Pete,                       
Would refuse invitations to eat,                            
A date he was blasting                                      
Was lasting and lasting...                                  
In the end he went down in defeat.                          
                                                            
47200 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



I saw a young girl at the counter                           
And at once I wanted to mount her.                          
I settled instead                                           
For some good hot head,                                     
With her dress all crumpled around her.                     
                                                            
47201 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Mad Max                  



The old archaeologist Cluck                                 
Discovered by stupid good luck                              
When he stuck 'neath the tummy                              
Of an old Egypt mummy,                                      
It was better by far than a fuck.                           
                                                            
47202 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-2085



A horny young stud from Decatur,                            
Tried seduction in his elevator.                            
He thrust at her dent,                                      
But when his thing bent,                                    
He got down on his knees and he ate her.                    
                                                            
47203 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              L0398



There was a young lady named Grace,                         
Who would not take a prick in her "place".                  
Though she'd kiss it and suck it,                           
She never would fuck it.                                    
She just couldn't relax face-to-face.                       
                                                            
47204 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0852



A fagged fornicator named Flynn                             
Said, "Concerning my yearning to sin:                       
When my doodad goes dead,                                   
I just use the old head,                                    
And work off the bitch with my chin!"                       
                                                            
47205 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0849



We met at the airport in France,                            
And it seemed such a perfect romance.                       
But now I'm Pierre's bride,                                 
He just snores by my side,                                  
And won't even take off his pants!                          
                                                            
47206 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0074



'Twas Keats who quipped, "O, my begotten,                   
When 'Bama boys lick in the twatten                         
Of Mississip wenches,                                       
Whose pussies are trenches                                  
Of microbes, their teeth'll be rotten."                     
                                                            
47207 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



There was a wine taster named Trilling,                     
Who thought he knew all about swilling.                     
With his tongue up the ass                                  
Of a bright girl in class,                                  
He murmured, "This vintage is thrilling!"                   
                                                            
47208 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0914



If Pamela Anderson Lee                                      
Should avail herself to me,                                 
I'd flip a dime                                             
To see if first time                                        
I'd get head or tail, you see.                              
                                                            
47209 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Jim Weaver Collection    



It's loudly the praises are sung,                           
For guy's who rate in under hung.                           
If willy's a dinky                                          
Pint-size little pinky,                                     
Just supply a nice dexterous tongue.                        
                                                            
47210 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



Today it is rainy and pissy                                 
And I'm here to tell you now, Missy,                        
I'd sure like to stay                                       
Snug in your bed all day,                                   
While my tongue gave your hole a wet kissy.                 
                                                            
47211 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Jon Gearhart             



From men, nature brings out the sucker.                     
When that mighty hole starts to pucker,                     
Please promise me, Jon,                                     
What when you get on,                                       
You won't be forgetting to fuck her.                        
                                                            
47212 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          SFA                      



Said sneering Mohammed el-Din:                              
"Only infidel dogs put it in.                               
Back home in Arabia                                         
We nibble the labia                                         
Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."                   
                                                            
47213 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0844



I'm counting the minutes to lunch                           
'Cause then my time card I can punch,                       
And go have a nooner                                        
with Carol the crooner,                                     
Who sings in full voice as I munch.                         
                                                            
47214 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Gearhart                 



That old Aussie hasher named Bruce,                         
Had a dick that was really no use,                          
But in bed with his Shiela,                                 
With his fingers he'd feel her,                             
And his tongue would then lap up the juice.                 
                                                            
47215 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



An eater of pussy was Durham;                               
His wife had a mind she would cure him.                     
She spread limburger cheese                                 
On her pussy and knees,                                     
And she figured that this would deter him.                  
                                                            
47216 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-1256



But he was a man of great pride;                            
He took all of this in good stride.                         
Since the flavor was right,                                 
He ate her that night,                                      
With crackers and beer by his side.                         
                                                            
47217 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-1257



The red-headed whore made a splash                          
With the PANACHE that grew over her gash.                   
This curly red tuft                                         
Often got muffed                                            
By a client with more dash than cash.                       
                                                            
47218 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Norm Brust               



She knocked on my door and said, "Pete;                     
I'm a virgin and never had meat."                           
So I said, "That's a fact?                                  
Let me check you're intact                                  
With my fingers - why yes, you're complete."                
                                                            
47219 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



"Oh screw me!" she said as she clung                        
To my thighs. I said, "No, you're too young.                
But I guess you can play                                    
With my weapon today,                                       
While I see to your clit with my tongue."                   
                                                            
47220 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



She squealed with delight and stripped off,                 
And though tempted to give her a boff,                      
I resisted, but led                                         
Her upstairs to give head;                                  
'Til we heard a discreet little cough.                      
                                                            
47221 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



And in came her mother Michelle in                          
A rage and said, "Hey, what the hell in                     
The world are you doin';                                    
Doreen? Are you screwin'?"                                  
"No mom, I'm just suckin' Pete's swellin'...                
                                                            
47222 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



...And he's merely divin' my muff."                         
"Oh I see", said Michelle, "Fair enough;                    
But I don't want to catch                                   
Him a-plumbin' your snatch;                                 
I'll have none of that underage stuff."                     
                                                            
47223 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



Girlfriends, wherever you meet 'em,                         
Want you to hold doors and to seat 'em.                     
Think me not crass,                                         
But like that huge bass,                                    
You don't know should you mount 'em or eat 'em.             
                                                            
47224 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



According to fisherman Jack,                                
For girls and fish use the same tack:                       
On catching that treasure,                                  
Then give them a measure.                                   
If they aren't up to par, throw 'em back.                   
                                                            
47225 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



A simple young girl was beguiled                            
By suitors who every night dialed.                          
And they smiled with delight,                               
When they kissed her good-night,                            
But the lips that they kissed never smiled.                 
                                                            
47226 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0788



They met at the seniors convention;                         
He said, "My dear, you are perfection.                      
To gain your attention,                                     
I'd trade half my pension,                                  
If I only could get an erection."                           
                                                            
47227 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



She said, "We are no longer young;                          
Our love songs were long ago sung.                          
Your phrase caught my attention;                            
You can gain my affection,                                  
By using your fine silver tongue."                          
                                                            
47228 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



I can't find my ovary baster;                               
It's loaned to a foreign food taster.                       
But just settle back                                        
With la pussy slack,                                        
I promise you that I won't waste 'er.                       
                                                            
47229 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



Reminds me of when I was young,                             
It took such a long time to bung <insert>                   
My member inside                                            
A mute of a bride,                                          
I'd give her the use of my tongue.                          
                                                            
47230 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



The ugly old girl friend of Keith                           
Was blessed with a poor set of teeth.                       
But Keith didn't care                                       
For her pussy had hair,                                     
And mostly he kissed underneath.                            
                                                            
47231 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0842



A Japanese girl cooked some squid                           
And made a fine meal for young Sid.                         
She said no one could beat it                               
And she begged him to eat it,                               
So he got on his knees and he did.                          
                                                            
47232 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-1296



Mellisa sounds like she's ripe for pickin';                 
Now her nethers resemble cold chickin'.                     
For in time that smooth muff                                
Will turn something quite rough,                            
So now is the time to start lickin'.                        
                                                            
47233 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



There once was a Jenny from Luxor                           
Who said to her sheik, "Don't let's fuck, sir!              
My cave is so large                                         
It would swallow your barge--                               
Dive in for an old-fashioned suck, sir!"                    
                                                            
47234 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0875



All women should stay in their place,                       
And be feminine in frills and lace;                         
"And where," they will say,                                 
"Is our place to stay?"                                     
The answer is: "Here...on my face!"                         
                                                            
47235 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



There once was a man from Rangoon,                          
Who would only eat with a spoon.                            
His girlfriend said                                         
She wanted some head,                                       
And now their romance is ruined.                            
                                                            
47236 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Jim Weaver Collection    



Philatelical hobbies, I'd pick 'em                          
Over other endeavors with stickum.                          
But the only thing better                                   
For collecting is wetter;                                   
And with both, it's okay if you lick 'em.                   
                                                            
47237 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Hugh Clary               



A certain young lecher named Neal                           
Was always prepared for a feel.                             
And if given the chance                                     
To get in her pants,                                        
He would buckle right down to a meal.                       
(a rebuttal to Neal Wilgus)                                 
47238 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Isaac Asimov        P8211



My life's been the quest for a rug;                         
Somewhere I'll be happy and snug.                           
A burning desire                                            
To stand and admire,                                        
The hole in the rug that I dug.                             
                                                            
47239 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



There once was a jolly young satyr                          
Who when seeing a lass, would then mate her.                
But when one grew with child,                               
His ardor grew mild,                                        
And the next one he saw, well, he ate her.                  
                                                            
47240 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0904



It matters much more if your tongue                         
Is so nicely thick and well hung.                           
Better than fuck                                            
When on clit you suck,                                      
And then your praises will be sung.                         
                                                            
47241 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Jim Weaver Collection    



A bright young attorney named Chase,                        
Defended a girl on the case.                                
He said, "You've no money,                                  
But if we win, Honey,                                       
I'd like you to sit on my face."                            
                                                            
47242 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          David Miller             



Tomorrow's almost over dear,                                
I'm sorry that you're not still here.                       
I worked hard today,                                        
Was ready to play,                                          
And on your face rest my cute rear.                         
                                                            
47243 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



There was a sad fellow named Young                          
Said, "All my damn life I've been stung.                    
I was gypped in the shipment                                
Of sexual equipment                                         
And all I can use is my tongue..."                          
                                                            
47244 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Grand Prix Lim  214      



There was an old party of Wokingham,                        
And his whores said he always was poking 'em.               
But all he could do                                         
Was to tongue-fuck a few,                                   
And sniff at his fingers while stroking 'em.                
(Published 1870)                                            
47245 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              L0444



A thrice-married virgin from Sutton                         
Said, "My cherry is bright as a button.                     
The Astronomer watched it,                                  
The painter just blotched it,                               
And my husband just now is a glutton.                       
                                                            
47246 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Hugh Clary               



While Cecilia, called Cess, will undress,                   
She may then, says her boyfriend, regress;                  
And if asked what he'll do                                  
When she'd nude but won't screw,                            
"I'm successful", he grins, "sucking Cess"                  
                                                            
47247 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



I once met this three-breasted whore;                       
I sucked till all three were sore.                          
Then I went south,                                          
Got her off with my mouth,                                  
Then I sucked on her titties some more!                     
                                                            
47248 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Lunt                         
Whose girl had no teeth, out in front.                      
He said, "I don't miss 'em,                                 
Her lips, I don't kiss 'em,                                 
For mostly I'm kissing her cunt."                           
                                                            
47249 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0851



There once was a man named Pete                             
Girls laughed when he showed them his meat.                 
But the joke was undone                                     
When he unfurled his tongue,                                
And their pussies they begged him to eat.                   
                                                            
47250 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Justin Alexander         



At eighteen, all I dipped was my pickel                     
But as I approach the double nickel,                        
I find that my tongue                                       
And one healthy lung                                        
Satisfy more ladies than slap and tickle.                   
                                                            
47251 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Chinook                  



Come swim this way, little fishie                           
And show me the delights of your kissie.                    
Young boys I eschew                                         
They kiss and not chew.                                     
Plus I find aged salmon quite dishy.                        
                                                            
47252 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Elsbeth                  



All this talk of salmon raises fears;                       
Makes me wonder my choice of careers.                       
But I show you my pucker                                    
Then lick you like Smucker's;                               
Just please don't pull hard on my ears.                     
                                                            
47253 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Chinook                  



Chinooky, put your fears to rest;                           
Sixty-nine should pass you your test.                       
Together we'll see                                          
Who is first to their knees,                                
And then who's the first to protest.                        
                                                            
47254 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Elsbeth                  



My Dear, come here where it's bushy.                        
'Fore it's over, you'll be noisy and gushy.                 
Now if you'll just spread                                   
Over this fresh-dug redd,                                   
We'll get busy and fill you with sushi.                     
                                                            
47255 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Chinook                  



Chinooky, I'm glad to be had,                               
'Cause I' ready with thoughts that are bad.                 
New toys for our play,                                      
Silk ropes -- can you stay?                                 
I'll be gentle until you're unclad.                         
                                                            
47256 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Elsbeth                  



Said a candid young lady from York,                         
To a Frenchman who gnawed at her fork:                      
"My cunt is dripping,                                       
So stop with your sipping,                                  
And use your cock as a cork!"                               
                                                            
47257 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                              G0924



A strange race of people are Dokks;                         
In the mountains they live with their flocks.               
And what seems most perplexing                              
Is their method of sexing --                                
Instead of their tongues they use cocks.                    
                                                            
47258 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0681



And a flash of your flushed erect nips,                     
Is doing strange things to my hips.                         
My god!  Je t'adore;                                        
I want to explore                                           
Your body with my tongue and lips.                          
                                                            
47259 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD                                   



I once had a woman named Fricker,                           
Who liked to have sex on the wicker                         
Furniture. When                                             
We screwed in her den,                                      
And on the table, I'd lick her.                             
                                                            
47260 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Mike M             TP9804



While sitting there, twiddling his thumbs,                  
Waiting for his woman to come.                              
His dick couldn't do it,                                    
So he finally said "Screw it!"                              
And he got her off with his tongue.                         
                                                            
47261 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Stephen Ross             



A fiesty young girl name Peach,                             
Had her boyfriend's head at her breech.                     
But instead of a fuck,                                      
He kept giving her suck,                                    
"You're no lover, my dear, you're a leech!"                 
                                                            
47262 ORAL - CUNN - INSTEAD          Wes                      



Where is that nice man who just said                        
He would love to just bury his head                         
'Tween my smooth warm thighs,                               
That are spread open wide,                                  
'Cause I am attached to his bed.                            
                                                            
47263 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Azul                     



On a trip, I was tempted to cheat,                          
But I knew I must be quite discreet.                        
I found "Kiss and Tell,"                                    
A five-dollar motel;                                        
As I licked, she said, "Bon appetit!"                       
                                                            
47264 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Jim Weaver Collection    



I just had a quite obscene thought,                         
And it's really getting me hot.                             
The snow has now melted;                                    
Prepared to be pelted                                       
By kisses and licks on your twat.                           
                                                            
47265 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Jon Gearhart             



You see, Jon, your brain's not so lame;                     
There's always a flickering flame.                          
It gets you in the mood                                     
To get yourself screwed,                                    
So come over and bring the champagne.                       
                                                            
47266 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Carol                    



You're still such a fine looking model;                     
I'm here and I'm passing the bottle.                        
And as we get stinky                                        
From having a drinky,                                       
I'll slip my tongue deep up you're twat hole.               
                                                            
47267 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Jon Gearhart             



She got in a sexual fever,                                  
And asked me to gobble her beaver.                          
I said: "If I must,                                         
To settle your lust,                                        
If first you've not let your retriever."                    
                                                            
47268 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



Good boy, Sonny, I'm finally back;                          
You're still waiting and haven't gone slack?                
I've had fucking galore                                     
And my cunt is quite sore,                                  
But you may, with your tongue, clean my crack...            
                                                            
47269 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



While you do so, I'll sit on your face                      
And let go a wet fart in that place.                        
I'll be holding your dong                                   
Wanking it; before long                                     
You will lay out a creamy white trace.                      
                                                            
47270 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



Today is the day in the middle                              
The week's half-way through, I'm a little                   
Bit happy but still,                                        
The only thing will                                         
Make me happier is tongue Carol's clithole!                 
                                                            
47271 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



Oh Wednesday is always hump day;                            
Mid week is the best time to play,                          
And preparing to spend,                                     
A fun filled weekend.                                       
So honey start tonguing away.                               
                                                            
47272 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



A brazen young cowgirl named Grace                          
Was said to be quite a disgrace,                            
For she pulled off her pants                                
With a cowboy named Lance,                                  
And she rode into town on his face.                         
                                                            
47273 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Cap'n Bean          P0900



A gorgeous but dumb majorette,                              
Decided that someday she'd let                              
The drum major do                                           
What he most wanted to,                                     
So guess what the drum majorette.                           
                                                            
47274 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Pierce Evans             



There once was a girl from Monravia,                        
Who wanted a lick on the labia.                             
She powdered and buffed                                     
Her cute little muff                                        
And finally got her wish with a lady-a.                     
                                                            
47275 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Jim Weaver Collection    



A young lass was eagerly steering                           
Her beau, by the chin, through the clearing.                
"Though a beard in the hand                                 
Is a pleasure quite grand,                                  
It's the beard in the bush that's endearing!"               
                                                            
47276 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Grammar Moses            



Young Heidi would frolic with Peter                         
The Goatherd, who found it was neater                       
Than goat bonking.  Heidi,                                  
Who kept it all tidy,                                       
By afterwards making him eat her.                           
                                                            
47277 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          John Miller              



"The man that I want," said Miss Kell,                      
"Will buy dinner and drinks for a spell,                    
And with little persuasion                                  
He will snatch on occasion,                                 
A sweet kiss and vice versa as well."                       
                                                            
47278 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Albin Chaplin   3024-0844



"Stop Sailor!" Sweet Suzie'd say, "Be a                     
Honey, haste hither, make hay. Be a                         
Dear, on all fours,                                         
Do drop down those drawers,                                 
And lick at a lewd ladies labia.                            
                                                            
47279 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Tiddy Ogg                



The sailor, he tongues Susie's slit,                        
As Susie slides south.  In a split                          
Second, sweet Sue                                           
Has slurped up his slew,                                    
While the sailor spits bits of her shit.                    
                                                            
47280 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Brian Belge              



I dated a woman named Brady;                                
We necked in an orchard quite shady.                        
When she moved her hips,                                    
And said, "Kiss my lips!"                                   
I though I kissed the bearded lady.                         
                                                            
47281 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Goofing            TP9807



There was a young lady named Seaton,                        
Whose limericks couldn't be beaten.                         
She wrote about sex,                                        
Positions complex,                                          
And ways she would like to be eaten.                        
                                                            
47282 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Frank                    



The tongue's an amazing invention;                          
It bends and it curls with intention.                       
It seeks out all creases,                                   
Yet she never ceases                                        
To wish mine would grow an extension.                       
                                                            
47283 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Tongueman                



Now how could I ever forget                                 
A gal who's so pretty (and wet),                            
Whose panties I've dripped on                               
So often and tripped on                                     
The next morning leaving, my pet.                           
                                                            
47284 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Jon Gearhart             



Oh Jeanie, my dear, now you quibble,                        
'Cause some of you gals never dribble,                      
From fountain down south,                                   
Until a  warm  mouth                                        
Has worked it's way down for a nibble                       
                                                            
47285 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Anon                     



The range is free, come have your fill,                     
It's ready and hot off the grill.                           
You're in for a treat,                                      
'Cause this pretty pink meat,                               
Taste nothing like Texas road kill.                         
                                                            
47286 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



The evening is still very young,                            
So to my appartment we've come.                             
As I open the door,                                         
We fall to the floor,                                       
Then you push me around with your tongue.                   
                                                            
47287 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



While growing a little less young,                          
I find that the use of my tongue                            
Improves every year.                                        
'Cause that's what I hear                                   
From ladies whose chimes I have rung.                       
                                                            
47288 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Anon                     



For ringing those bells, all I lack                         
Are hunches affixed to my back.                             
But I'm straight and stiff                                  
Whenever I sniff                                            
A whiff of a Belle with a crack.                            
                                                            
47289 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Anon                     



A hard-headed cabby named Peter,                            
Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her.                        
He said, "It's not free,                                    
I will only agree,                                          
To go down while I'm running the meter."                    
                                                            
47290 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Michael Donn             



Miss Molly's a lady quite blunt;                            
For handsome young sailors she'd hunt,                      
In quite boisterous shows.                                  
So everyone knows                                           
She caught one who's licking her cunt.                      
                                                            
47291 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Gibbon the Troubadour    



Declaring a bloody disgrace,                                
This voter's comment on the race:                           
"Don't like how they grin!                                  
Don't care which ones win!                                  
So long as I sit on their face."                            
                                                            
47292 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



What's known about SARS is quite scant.                     
And Hong Kong gals say that guys can't                      
Wear masks and lick twat.                                   
But one thing they've got                                   
To do is lick twats at a slant.                             
                                                            
47293 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Travis Brasell           



When asked for a blowjob, my honey,                         
Stretched out her hand for some money.                      
She took off her dress,                                     
Then added "Unless                                          
You come here and give me some cunni-..."                   
                                                            
47294 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



I know what you all might be thinking,                      
'Dive head-first, and then start a-drinking.                
I'd try, but one sniff                                      
Would soften my stiff;                                      
Like tuna and pilchards -- its stinking!                    
                                                            
47295 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Lightbulb                



Thought to myself, 'let me be-guile'                        
Handcuffed and blind-folded her while                       
I whistled for Rover,                                       
Who licked her clit over,                                   
And shoved in my meat "doggy style"!                        
                                                            
47296 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



The receipt can't be got from Ms Beeton,                    
But it's not necessary to sweeten.                          
Just start down from the waist,                             
Stay alert for the taste,                                   
Showing you've been admitted to Eton.                       
                                                            
47297 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Ward Hardman             



So to God I complained thus: Sir, Please!                   
Thanks to you for those fur-rimmed Slurpees.                
But, Dear Lord, here's a tip:                               
Save my stiff upper lip                                     
From contracting genital herpes!                            
                                                            
47298 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



A germ phobic woman named Keeting,                          
Obsessively kept on repeating,                              
"See this sign by my bed;                                   
Before giving me head,                                      
You Must Wash Your Hands Before Eating!"                    
                                                            
47299 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Bob Birch           P0301



That tongue! An organ of delight!                           
A marvel how it can excite,                                 
With one little flick,                                      
Or slow moving lick;                                        
What time will you be here tonight?                         
                                                            
47300 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED                                   



For a novice, a young lady deft                             
Dropped her panties, exposing her cleft.                    
She said, "Eat your fill."                                  
He said, "So I will,                                        
But what do I do with what's left?"                         
                                                            
47301 ORAL - CUNN - INVITED          Albin Chaplin   3024-0806



Said a lady, "How much do I suffer                          
When my husband, the miserable duffer,                      
Eats the crotch in my thigh,                                
And when I ask him why,                                     
He says eating an asshole is tougher."                      
                                                            
47302 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN            Albin Chaplin   3024-0884



A nice girl's in Dung Loo's dining den;                     
She can satisfy every man's yen;                            
For a five-dollar bill,                                     
You can slurp up your fill;                                 
(An hour later, you're hungry again!)                       
                                                            
47303 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN                                     



If pussy you find, it is found;                             
If her clitty you grind, it is ground;                      
Feel titties, they're felt;                                 
Kneel her down and she's knelt,                             
And mind that you've dined where she's mound.               
                                                            
47304 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN                                     



Perhaps you could tell us all why                           
That you like to eat at the "Y".                            
Your tongue, is it smart                                    
At the cunt licking art?                                    
We all await your quick reply.                              
                                                            
47305 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN                                     



'Tis true, all that's left is thought                       
When physical exertions come to naught,                     
But I find compensation                                     
From another sensation,                                     
Muff diving's now my favourite sport.                       
                                                            
47306 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN                                     



There once was a young man named Jim,                       
Whose everyday breakfast was quim.                          
He eschewed meat and grain                                  
And even fish for the brain;                                
He was stupid, but happy and slim.                          
                                                            
47307 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN            Anon                     



A lesbo, who sadly wore braces,                             
Ate pussey like Petty won races.                            
To remove all the hair,                                     
From her teeth, she used Nair...                            
By now, at least forty cases!                               
                                                            
47308 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN            Mike M.             T9712



A full-breasted girl named Louise                           
Had a habit of pulling her chemise,                         
To a point well above                                       
Her object of love,                                         
For any sucker who'd get on his knees.                      
                                                            
47309 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN                                G0874



The gigolo's handsome and young;                            
As a lover his praises are sung.                            
Though he measures three inches,                            
Women hold him in clinches;                                 
Three inches refers to his tongue.                          
                                                            
47310 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



There once was a woman named Doris;                         
All the men liked to lick her clitoris.                     
She said, with a frown,                                     
As another went down,                                       
"My tits, they cry, 'don't ignore us!'"                     
                                                            
47311 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN            Andrew R. Knapp          



But as for my curvaceous cutie,                             
And her fine round bodaceous bootie,                        
I've tongue-fucked that moaner                              
And buried my boner,                                        
Each day inside her pink patootie.                          
                                                            
47312 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN                                     



The Wal-Mart here has a new greeter;                        
Compared to the last one, much sweeter.                     
When business is skanty,                                    
She drops down her panty                                    
And lets all male customers eat her.                        
                                                            
47313 ORAL - CUNN - OFTEN            Travis Brasell           



A drunk liked the twat of Miss Young;                       
In turn, the poor dear said, "It stung!"                    
Good heavens!  No wonder,                                   
Her stinging down under                                     
Was caused by a hundred-proof tongue.                       
                                                            
47314 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Travis Brasell           



She sought out a doctor's inspection,                       
And quizzed him, "Should I use protection                   
The next time I'm licked?                                   
'Cause, truly I'm ticked!"                                  
He answered, "No, booze kills infection!"                   
                                                            
47315 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Travis Brasell           



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee                                     
On her pubes had a green bee.                               
Which forgot 'twas a vector                                 
And sucking her nectar,                                     
Turning all men green with envy!                            
                                                            
47316 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Dr. Dirty                



Let's meet at this out-of-town diner;                       
There's nothing round here that is finer.                   
The owner's named Suzy,                                     
The meals taste like sushi,                                 
But it's really just Suzy's vagina.                         
                                                            
47317 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



A truth that all girls should embrace,                      
While pressing on through this life's race,                 
I'll make very clear,                                       
So girls gather near:                                       
I just want your pie in my face!                            
                                                            
47318 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Travis Brasell           



There once was a man named Mike,                            
Who munched the box of a Jewish dyke.                       
The filthy young whore                                      
Fed him soup dujour:                                        
A salty bowl of "Cream of Kike."                            
                                                            
47319 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Jim Weaver Collection    



There's always a place for words sweet,                     
To sweep a girl right off her feet.                         
Now that you have learned,                                  
I know that you've earned                                   
A taste of this pretty pink meat.                           
                                                            
47320 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



When seafood's a dish you are craving,                      
Ask of the wife you're enslaving,                           
To eat her clam raw.                                        
(Best dish I ever saw)                                      
And I promise you'll cum away raving.                       
                                                            
47321 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Ogden Nield              



Because I still savor the taste                             
Of Pussies, I eat them in haste;                            
No, I won't deny it;                                        
They're part of my diet.                                    
They're slimming and don't go to waist!                     
                                                            
47322 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Travis Brasell           



What makes a meal really complete?                          
That pretty pink pussy!  It's sweet!                        
Eaten hasty or slow,                                        
With honey or no,                                           
With or without beaten meat!                                
                                                            
47323 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Brian                    



Specially when served with a teat,                          
Purring when the meat starts to heat.                       
I go down.  Down I go.                                      
I eat fast.  I eat slow.                                    
There's nothing like pussy!  It's neat!                     
                                                            
47324 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Brian                    



I like a fine pussy that purrs,                             
When it my tongue's plungeing endures.                      
I lick and I kiss                                           
And I tickle in bliss,                                      
Especially when that pussy's yours!                         
                                                            
47325 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Gearhart                 



Why should I want to pay                                    
To have myself a good lay,                                  
When with snap of a finger,                                 
Some young stud will bring her:                             
Today's flavor of the day.                                  
                                                            
47326 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Jim Weaver Collection    



I've never been much of a shaver,                           
I don't like to bother with razors.                         
When pussy is savored,                                      
I still taste it later...                                   
My moustache is my flavor saver!                            
                                                            
47327 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Sonny              TP9802



The taste of your spread I will savor.                      
When sated, I'll pull out my shaver,                        
And make your puss bare,                                    
So nary a hair                                              
Will taint the dessert's full rich flavor.                  
                                                            
47328 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



Down south I am back on the mash;                           
(The bourbon I have in my stash).                           
And I've not had grits                                      
But I love those clits.                                     
They surely go fine with some gash.                         
                                                            
47329 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Frank Fazed              



Sympathy also to the lady,                                  
From this man who prefers it shady.                         
My taste buds do test from under her dress.                 
Women implore us to lick their clitoris.                    
This tongue has happy made me.                              
                                                            
47330 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



Here's to the athletic young Kim                            
Who comes every day from the gym;                           
And then we make merry,                                     
For I love to bury                                          
My face in her hot sweaty quim.                             
                                                            
47331 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



And here's to the Gym Keeper Mike;                          
For his job he's developed a like.                          
'Cause each day after women                                 
Get done with their gymin',                                 
He licks off the seats of the bikes.                        
                                                            
47332 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Jon Gearhart             



While Mike's busy sniffing at poon,                         
He knows he'll soon hear his wife croon:                    
"Oh, Dear, come to bed!                                     
In reply he'd have said,                                    
"Oh yes, love.  I'll be coming soon."                       
                                                            
47333 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Archie                   



This chap from the City has placed                          
His tongue with immoderate haste                            
On the clitoral part                                        
Of an indifferent tart.                                     
We suppose it a matter of taste.                            
                                                            
47334 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Gents Alphabet Book P9411



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Said her twat tasted twice as dandy,                        
And she'd let you try it,                                   
Twice 'fore you buy it,                                     
On any surface that's handy.                                
                                                            
47335 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



One hot afternoon down in Deal,                             
I made quite a sumptuous meal                               
Of charming Candice,                                        
The old farmer's niece;                                     
So young that she tasted like veal.                         
                                                            
47336 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



I'll tell you of Dave's sister, Babs.                       
She'll get boys to buy her sherbet dabs;                    
In her snatch she would tip it,                             
And get them to sip it.                                     
She claimed that it kept away crabs.                        
                                                            
47337 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



Of this there can be no dispute --                          
Young ladies that blossom to fruit                          
Must surely be tasted,                                      
Lest their lives will be wasted,                            
And they rot on the ground, destitute.                      
                                                            
47338 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Albin Chaplin   3024-2547



They had no bread on their plate,                           
So Marie said, "Now listen here, mate,                      
Young Kate is quite tasty.                                  
They may like a pastry,                                     
So why don't we let them eat Kate?"                         
                                                            
47339 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Archie                   



Now treacle or syrup on tits                                
Does tempt me to munch naughty-bits.                        
Now Debbie's so fine,                                       
Just like a smooth wine,                                    
Does Tommy go lickety-splits?                               
                                                            
47340 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



Now cunt's a delectible dish                                
While the coney you eat, you might wish                     
So the cunny you see                                        
Must come out of the sea,                                   
For the perfume reminds me of fish.                         
                                                            
47341 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



I love eating pussy; it's true.                             
Love eating and sucking it too.                             
My favorite treat                                           
Is that perfect pink meat,                                  
Especially when it's hooked to you.                         
                                                            
47342 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Gearhart                 



Our honeycomb's my favorite treat;                          
I often come by just to eat.                                
But I've never been stung                                   
On the end of my tongue,                                    
Or my dick while I've serviced your meat.                   
                                                            
47343 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



I wonder if this sting is due                               
To a well-meaning love tap or two                           
Or the sting aforementioned                                 
Comes from some invention                                   
To keep full attention on YOU!                              
                                                            
47344 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



Then there's that sicko named Gus,                          
A socially unacceptable cuss.                               
His pecker he beats                                         
As he hastily eats,                                         
A whore's pussy that's oozing with pus.                     
                                                            
47345 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



Mr. Ishmael Harold McIver                                   
Wished to learn how to be a muff-diver;                     
His sweetie warned Ish                                      
That she tasted like fish,                                  
Yet he dived; now he's her "sole survivor."                 
(filet of what? - McW)                                      
47346 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Robin K. Willoughby P8601



You've guessed, folks, that I'm no believer                 
In small fry -- but pass me the cleaver.                    
What I have in mind                                         
Is a much bigger kind                                       
Of taste, if you please, of split beaver.                   
                                                            
47347 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



"I found me some pussy to champ on;                         
It was great till I sucked up a tampon.                     
In my haste for the thing,                                  
I had not seen the string,                                  
So now I have sex with a lamp on."                          
                                                            
47348 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Mr Malo                  



Though some people might think it is weird,                 
Cunnilingus is not to be feared.                            
"What I really like,"                                       
Said a lover named Mike,                                    
"Is I taste her all day in my beard!"                       
                                                            
47349 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Claudius Rex             



There was a young girl, a winner!                           
That no one could match as a sinner.                        
But I'm wondering why                                       
When eating her pie,                                        
Her cunt tastes so much like dinner.                        
                                                            
47350 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Da Homer                 



There was a young man from Waroona,                         
Who did not prefer the taste of tuna.                       
Then one day he got                                         
His first taste of twat,                                    
And wished that he had tried it sooner.                     
                                                            
47351 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Murray Perth             



If you're looking for meat that is juicy,                   
Can I mention the well-basted pussy?                        
Its lifestyle may yield                                     
A strong taste of sild,  (herring and perch)                
But it's pleasant if you're not too fussy.                  
                                                            
47352 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE                                     



I dreamt of a moss covered bowl,                            
With the scent of dead fish, bless my soul;                 
I near had a stroke                                         
'Cause when I awoke,                                        
My tongue was in some old whore's hole.                     
                                                            
47353 ORAL - CUNN - TASTE            Travis                   



Young Joe is just one of the masses,                        
Of guys quite adept with the lasses.                        
He remarked, with some fright,                              
As he kissed her goodnight,                                 
"Spread your legs, dear, you're breaking my glasses."       
                                                            
47354 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            G0881



I know your resistance is low                               
When tongue-tickled there down below.                       
Each time you've enjoyed                                    
My tongue when employed                                     
To lick -- never quick, always slow.                        
                                                            
47355 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



For God's sake, come up for some air!                       
All this shit about licking and hair!                       
I'd eat my new purse                                        
If the guy could converse.                                  
Love's more than a snorkeling affair.                       
                                                            
47356 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Annie Jay                



Some guys are just really like sharks,                      
Going out for some fun and some larks.                      
For a true feeding frenzy,                                  
Remember to bend zee                                        
Tongue up the tunnel, so dark.                              
                                                            
47357 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Arden                    



Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,                       
In a cunt halfway up to his ears:                           
"This snatch is delicious,                                  
And without doubt nutritious.                               
She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"                   
                                                            
47358 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            G0823



There was a young man from New York,                        
Whose tongue was designed like a fork.                      
The Indians maligned it,                                    
But most women find it                                      
A welcomer guest that the stork.                            
                                                            
47359 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Margaret A. O'Conner     



My fantasy starts with a kiss                               
Hard on your sweet lips just like this                      
It cunt-tinues south                                        
Till your cunt's on my mouth                                
And I'm tonguing you in carnal bliss.                       
                                                            
47360 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



Admitted a gourmet named Billy,                             
"I stuff my girl's twat full of chile;                      
To be sure it sounds corny                                  
But I'm hungry and horny;                                   
As hot dishes go, it's a dilly!"                            
                                                            
47361 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Armand E Singer       825



That horny old cannibal, Howard,                            
With oral sex, was a bit of a coward.                       
But his girlfriend Gwen,                                    
Said, "I can't recall when,                                 
I have felt so completely devoured!"                        
                                                            
47362 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



I count up to ten on my fingers,                            
A trick for controlling my thing as                         
I get too excitedly                                         
Hot, while delightedly                                      
Giving my girl cunnilingus.                                 
                                                            
47363 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Peter Wilkins            



The back of his head she did ruffle,                        
As he gave out a snort and a snuffle.                       
"Come on boy!  Don't stop!                                  
That the cream of the crop!                                 
Get in there and dig up that truffle!"                      
                                                            
47364 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Mike Dale                



We'll go for a roll in the hay,                             
And your lips I will gently splay,                          
Then brush with my tongue,                                  
The small nubby one.                                        
I think I could do this all day!!                           
                                                            
47365 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



My buddy is wildly in thrall                                
With a lady who's really quite tall.                        
When she asks for some head,                                
He gets out of their bed,                                   
And does his good deed in the hall!                         
                                                            
47366 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



A fastidious young fop of Bhogat,                           
Would suck a girl's cunt, just like that.                   
But he'd wipe off her jib,                                  
And then slip on a bib,                                     
To make sure not to soil his cravat.                        
                                                            
47367 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            L0383



Her butt sliding down on my face,                           
Dressed up in black stockings of lace,                      
Get her dripping wet,                                       
With my tongue deeper yet.                                  
My God, this is my favorite place.                          
                                                            
47368 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



I love it when girlies start pickin'                        
And lickin' the bones of fried chicken,                     
While wearin' sheer teddies,                                
For doin' so readies                                        
Their southern young twats for a dickin'.                   
                                                            
47369 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Travis Brasell           



As long as those twats ain't for pluckin',                  
This rooster will want to get suck-in.                      
Though chicks may be coy,                                   
They truly enjoy                                            
Me lickin' their feathers while suckin'.                    
                                                            
47370 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        SFA                      



This Chanticlear crows long and often                       
When feshly plucked twats I am boffin'.                     
"Cock-a-doodle!" I say                                      
For a great hen-house lay.                                  
Those feathers the bangin' will soften.                     
                                                            
47371 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Randog                   



My love, Marylou, likes to bleat                            
While I'm munching away on her treat.                       
She knows that her noise                                    
Befuddles my poise,                                         
So she muffles my ears with her feet!                       
                                                            
47372 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



If I had a girl like Delores,                               
Whose bush was as dense as a forest,                        
Her legs I would spread,                                    
And then using my head,                                     
I would flush out the wily clitoris.                        
                                                            
47373 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Oddo Von Schlong    T9710



There was a young man of St. Kitts,                         
Who was very much bothered with fits.                       
After chewing a cunt,                                       
He'd give a loud grunt                                      
And try to bite off her two teats.                          
                                                            
47374 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            L0427



There was a young fellow named Pete,                        
Who took a flashlight 'neath the sheet.                     
When asked to tell why,                                     
This was his reply,                                         
"I'm all right if I watch what I eat."                      
                                                            
47375 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



Oysters au naturale come next                               
And if by your urges you're vexed,                          
Just wait a short while                                     
Till some guy with style                                    
His tongue in your oyster's been flexed.                    
                                                            
47376 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Kaylin                   



There was a young fellow named Jack                         
Who ate his girl's snatch, from the back.                   
He developed the art                                        
Of avoiding the fart,                                       
But got hit in the face with the flak.                      
                                                            
47377 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Albin Chaplin 3024  G1403



Mathematics: of sciences, queen                             
That, my friend, remains to be seen.                        
I think anatomy is better;                                  
You can get a girl wetter                                   
By licking thighs and what's between!                       
                                                            
47378 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



There was a young girl from Decatur                         
Who couln't find anyone to date her.                        
But a young Roman stud                                      
Nipped her right in the bud,                                
Then bragged, he was so gladiator.                          
                                                            
47379 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Ericka                   



A cunt-lapping man of Dundee                                
Arose from the crotch of Miss Lee.                          
As he fondled his chin,                                     
He said with a grin,                                        
"Tell me, where did I get this goatee?"                     
                                                            
47380 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Albin Chaplin   3024-1774



There once was a fellow named Keith                         
Who liked it above and beneath.                             
His nights were so harried,                                 
As positions were varied,                                   
That he woke up with hair in his teeth.                     
                                                            
47381 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            G0866



One time there were females around,                         
All baying for my half-a-pound.                             
With none on the pill                                       
'Twas all such a thrill,                                    
Now there is just three to be found.                        
                                                            
47382 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Anon                     



I sure relished being among                                 
The females, especially the young.                          
But I am astound-                                           
Ed by your half a pound!                                    
Are you speaking, sir, of your tongue?                      
                                                            
47383 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Anon                     



I ask, sir, for you're such a wag in                        
The group, and must need a wagon                            
To carry the bull                                           
Of which you're so full,                                    
'Specially when that half pound starts waggin'.             
                                                            
47384 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Anon                     



A man who had put too much fat on                           
Preferred to have sex with his hat on.                      
When asked for his reason,                                  
He replied, but was teasin',                                
"So my ears won't get cold when I'm sat on."                
                                                            
47385 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Bob Birch           P0107



Her son's best friend was named Peter;                      
His balls were just huge with none neater.                  
She spread her fine thighs                                  
And hoped he was wise                                       
To how he could best start to eat her.                      
                                                            
47386 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Richard Long             



I don't get it but once in a while;                         
But all of it's good with a smile.                          
So who gives a fuck                                         
If you shave or you pluck;                                  
It's all pussy whatever the style.                          
                                                            
47387 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Mr Malo                  



I like a fine pussy that purrs                              
When it my tongue's plunging endures.                       
I lick and I kiss                                           
And I tickle in bliss,                                      
Especially when that pussy's yours.                         
                                                            
47388 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



With each breast like Kilamanjar,                           
And belly as smooth as Sahar,                               
She tells me : "Move south                                  
And tour with your mouth;                                   
Don't stop till you reach Zanzibar!"                        
                                                            
47389 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Mark Levy                



The scientist Herman van Keast,                             
On fresh cunt each day had a feast.                         
He would lick with tongue firm                              
As he sought to confirm,                                    
The path where resistance was least.                        
                                                            
47390 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Albin Chaplin            



One sailor was thought quite a twit                         
'Cause with girls he just never could hit.                  
Till a whore in Hung Chow                                   
Gave him lessons on HOW,                                    
Now he gets them all - lickety split!                       
                                                            
47391 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        John Miller 0067         



A snatch-licking fellow named Doug,                         
Tried licking while high on a drug.                         
He complained it was dry.                                   
Said his girl, "I know why--                                
You bastard, you're licking the rug!"                       
                                                            
47392 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Phil Cannibal       P9207



Squat your twat on my face.  How I ache                     
To see just how much licking you'll take                    
'Til you come, making shrieks,                              
Covering my chin and cheeks,                                
With a glaze like the icing on cake.                        
                                                            
47393 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



A stylish and keen whipper-snapper,                         
Straps his girl down, then unwraps her.                     
When he unveils her muff,                                   
He can't get enough,                                        
That dapper, pink labia lapper.                             
                                                            
47394 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Meek,                        
Who invented a lingual technique.                           
It drove women frantic                                      
And made them romantic,                                     
And wore all the hair off his cheek.                        
                                                            
47395 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            L0415



A Far Eastern girl kept me merry                            
Easily depipping a cherry.                                  
I'd then dip to feed                                        
Where she'd spat the seed,                                  
Probing horse-lipped, her strawberry.                       
                                                            
47396 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Frank                    



The How To Book, someone supposes,                          
Tells where us guys should put our noses.                   
If we want a chance                                         
At oral romance,                                            
We'd best spend that money on roses.                        
                                                            
47397 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Whatever you say, you're the boss,                          
But hair on my tongue makes me cross.                       
This hair you can't swallow,                                
So it would naturally follow,                               
Just consider it nature's dental floss.                     
                                                            
47398 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Becca                    



Oh, a love-heart's in Havre de Grace;                       
Quarter ton!  When she sits on your face,                   
Better have a good snorkel;                                 
And a big, well placed cork'll                              
Keep you out of the wrong deep, dark place!                 
                                                            
47399 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



After your hands you have wrung,                            
Start priming your talented tongue.                         
For a shuddering wave                                       
On a much smaller cave;                                     
Doesn't matter if you're not well hung.                     
                                                            
47400 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Arden                    



A clever young student from Ascension,                      
Came up with a foreplay invention.                          
His computerized lick                                       
Gave his girlfriend a kick,                                 
And played hell with her pre-menstrual tension.             
                                                            
47401 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



At the vertical smile, it is clear                          
The weather is less than severe;                            
Though my face does get wet                                 
At her luscious lunette,                                    
An umbrella's not needed, I fear.                           
                                                            
47402 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



Whipped cream'll add  taste, and she'll giggle;             
Lick  slow, and by gum, this here pig 'll                   
Grunt and she'll shout,                                     
But keep your eye out;                                      
Back off, should you see something wriggle!                 
                                                            
47403 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



To many a bed I've been pinned                              
By women who cackled and grinned.                           
My one saving grace,                                        
While they sat on my face,                                  
Was keeping my nose to the wind.                            
                                                            
47404 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



If you lose all your teeth through bad luck,                
You must meet your sad fate with great pluck.               
When you face your next treat,                              
Do not flinch or retreat --                                 
If you find you can't chew, you must suck.                  
                                                            
47405 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Albin Chaplin   3024-1275



The young girl was feeling quite gruff,                     
Till he placed his head in her muff.                        
Then she purred like a kitty                                
When his tongue hit her clitty,                             
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"                          
                                                            
47406 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Stan                     



I find a man's face very cosy;                              
It warms me up from head to toesy.                          
But stubble's an issue,                                     
For delicate tissue,                                        
A sandpaper face is no go, see.                             
                                                            
47407 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



Melissa sounds ripe for the pickin';                        
Her nethers resemble cold chicken.                          
For in time that smooth muff                                
Will turn something quite rough,                            
So now to get down and start lickin'.                       
                                                            
47408 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



You couldn't remember its name,                             
As you played your linguistical game.                       
But I didn't get cross                                      
'Cause I knew that it was                                   
On the tip of your tongue as I came!                        
                                                            
47409 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



A cautious young lady named Liskers,                        
Proclaimed that she only would risk hers,                   
For a man who was true.                                     
One man came -- not to screw --                             
But he planted a kiss on her whiskers.                      
                                                            
47410 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Albin Chaplin   3024-0850



My dear Booboola's wild; never blushes,                     
When she sits on my face, and she brushes                   
My nose with her muff,                                      
While my tongue strokes good stuff;                         
I could drown when my Booboola gushes!                      
                                                            
47411 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Allen Wolverton          



It's warm and it's pleasantly sunny;                        
Just right for some fun with my honey,                      
Outside on the grass                                        
With my hand 'neath her ass,                                
And my fingers and tongue in her cunny.                     
                                                            
47412 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Anon                     



The Pontiff devised a new way                               
To make rhythm a safe way to lay.                           
He said, "Insert your nose                                  
In between her big toes,                                    
And indulge in a sneezing display."                         
                                                            
47413 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Al Chaplin          P9902



Some girls say (and this bears repeating)                   
"The thrills of straight sex are too fleeting.              
So if my pudenda                                            
Is on your agenda,                                          
The proof of the pud's in the eating."                      
                                                            
47414 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Amego               P9912



If you root around in the duff,                             
To find such a man can't be tough.                          
One who licks like a dream.                                 
Can you hear, over my scream?                               
He quotes Shakespeare with a mouthful of muff.              
                                                            
47415 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Faerie                   



While hunting for harlots, young Watson                     
Asked a whore to get into his Datsun.                       
She examined his prick                                      
And said, "You better lick,                                 
And be sure that you lick the right slot, son."             
                                                            
47416 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Albin Chaplin   3024-1691



Coarse hair in your snatch makes me cross,                  
But then, I like mint on my floss.                          
Perhaps I could cope                                        
If you'd rinse it with Scope,                               
And add spice with some red pepper sauce.                   
                                                            
47417 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        John Miller              



Said the outraged Brest wife, "Men are brutes;              
I'll get even with him, bet your boots."                    
When he next cunnilinged her                                
She tightened her sphincter,                                
And ripped out his tongue by the roots.                     
                                                            
47418 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Ed Potts            P8507



Her form was really appealing,                              
The curves alone sent him reeling.                          
Though she straightened him up,                             
Did the lass to this pup,                                   
She summarily sent the lad kneeling.                        
                                                            
47419 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Lewis Charles            



If that new chair takes too much space                      
Or feels to your back, out of place,                        
Just pick up the phone;                                     
You won't be alone;                                         
I'll come, let you sit on my face.                          
                                                            
47420 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



There's plenty of pussy to eat;                             
So why would you rush such a treat?                         
Avoid indigestion                                           
And heed my suggestion;                                     
Slow down on that pretty pink meat!                         
                                                            
47421 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Carol                    



With my legs clamped firmly 'round your waist,              
Getting hotter as you have a taste                          
Of my wetness inside,                                       
While your tongue takes a ride.                             
Take it slow; there's no need to make haste.                
                                                            
47422 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Anon                     



Remember to take off your specs,                            
When performing feats of oral sex --                        
Because, if you forget,                                     
They'll get broken, I'll bet,                               
When she wraps her legs round your neck!                    
                                                            
47423 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



Touche, You just got me, my dear,                           
And you might fake the moans that I hear,                   
But there's no way to hide                                  
Your true feeling inside,                                   
When your thighs clamp so tight 'round my ears.             
                                                            
47424 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



My love, Marylou, throws a fit                              
Each time that I nibble her clit.                           
She says I'm a fool                                         
To be ever so cruel,                                        
While her teeth are so close to my sprit!                   
                                                            
47425 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



His teeth were stuck in with a glue stick;                  
His glasses were only an inch thick.                        
His hearing was gone,                                       
But women would swoon                                       
At the way he could make his tongue flick.                  
                                                            
47426 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



An old doctor who lacked protoplasm,                        
Tried to give his young wife an orgasm.                     
But his tongue jumped the track                             
'Twixt the front and the back,                              
And got pinched in a bad anal spasm.                        
                                                            
47427 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            L0425



Come on guys, don't be so glum.                             
Gals still prefer MEN where I'm from,                       
To tickle and tease 'em                                     
And take time to please 'em.                                
(Of course, it might help if you hum!)                      
                                                            
47428 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Kaylin                   



A vibrator may bother some,                                 
If gals use the thing just to come.                         
They don't bother me,                                       
I'm versatile, see...                                       
Hum HUM hum, hum HUM hum, umHUMMMMMMM.                      
                                                            
47429 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



A juggler of women I knew                                   
Had a tongue that would oft go askew.                       
While chomping hair pie                                     
(Both her legs in the sky)                                  
He would double-tongue wrong--up her flue!                  
                                                            
47430 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                            G0867



There once was a man named Ted.                             
His dick was bigger than his head.                          
He couldn't fit it up                                       
A pussy or a butt                                           
So he used his head instead!                                
                                                            
47431 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



The best parts of me are my tits,                           
And possibly the soft furry bits                            
That lie 'tween my legs                                     
That makes some folk begs,                                  
For me on their faces to sits.                              
                                                            
47432 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



As we stood there, she said "Why not neck?"                 
(This very tall girl from Cal Tech.)                        
Her legs were widespread,                                   
So I went straight ahead,                                   
And I'm built like Toulouse-Latrec.                         
                                                            
47433 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Al Willis                



A cunnilinguical lady named June,                           
Offered pie to gourmand, Mr. Moon.                          
"Eat me", she uttered,                                      
"All salted and buttered --                                 
Use a knife and a fork and a spoon."                        
                                                            
47434 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Yes lads, if you're out for adventure,                      
And getting a blow's your intent, your                      
Dick may get chafed                                         
If you don't play it safe,                                  
And go with a girl who wears dentures.                      
                                                            
47435 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE                                 



There once was a zealous old Turk,                          
Who drove all the ladies berserk.                           
It was not with his prick,                                  
Which was three inches thick,                               
But his tongue which he worked with a jerk.                 
                                                            
47436 ORAL - CUNN - TECHNIQUE        Albin Chaplin 3024  G0916



A tomato you're not; you're no treat.                       
This potato will now keep his seat.                         
But if it's your wish                                       
To be compared to a dish,                                   
I'd say you are "all you can eat"!                          
                                                            
47437 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



So "All you can eat's" what you say?                        
You can have her but only that way.                         
For if you should wander,                                   
This point you should ponder:                               
"You have to get it up to play!"                            
                                                            
47438 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a wheezy old fart,                           
Who thought eating pussy too tart.                          
He'd deck out the juice                                     
With that sweet chocolate mousse.                           
And says he, "Eating pussy's an art!"                       
                                                            
47439 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Dave Canfield            



One night when the old man was lickin',                     
He noticed his whiskers were stickin'.                      
The vaginal glue                                            
(In whose hole?  You know who!)                             
Got the geezer a tad panic stricken.                        
                                                            
47440 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



When finally he pulled his face loose,                      
From the chocolate, the glue, and the juice,                
He wiped off his face,                                      
And then said in disgrace,                                  
"My vomiting must you induce?"                              
                                                            
47441 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



"My douche?!", said the girl with wide eyes,                
"Why, I haven't since Will won the prize.                   
But if you insist,                                          
I will spray it with mist,                                  
Though you seem not to be quite my size."                   
                                                            
47442 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



I once knew a girl with the name                            
Of Smoothie, and it was a shame                             
That that place, down there,                                
Was devoid of all hair.                                     
To lick her was really quite tame.                          
                                                            
47443 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          That Guy                 



Quite tame?  'Twas surely your fault,                       
And not because she was bald.                               
Did you miss the spot,                                      
To make her quite hot?                                      
Or did you, too early default?                              
                                                            
47444 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Smoothie                 



Perhaps, just when kissing her lips,                        
His mind filled with humorous quips,                        
Which caused him to laugh,                                  
(the job done by half);                                     
"Please serve me some warm fish and chips."                 
                                                            
47445 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          That Guy                 



Now that was really quite low                               
Of him, and for her a blow.                                 
He ought to blish                                           
For thinking fish,                                          
when he kissed her way down below.                          
                                                            
47446 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Smoothie                 



Now Smoothie, there's no need to croak;                     
There was no low blow from the bloke.                       
He uttered that quip                                        
While biting a lip;                                         
I'm sure it was meant as a joke.                            
                                                            
47447 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          That Guy                 



His loss, too bad he just missed                            
The G-spot, when those lips he kissed.                      
And to get her so riled,                                    
That coming quite wild                                      
In his face, she could not resist.                          
                                                            
47448 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Smoothie                 



The pleasure of my tongue in the hole,                      
As it circles and goes to and fro,                          
The aroma so fine,                                          
And the taste quite divine;                                 
A bit messy but I do love it so.                            
                                                            
47449 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Sissy                    



Now my wife doesn't think as I do                           
She thinks that I just shouldn't chew.                      
She cries and she moans,                                    
And she screams and she groans;                             
Does your wife bitch when you eat doughnuts too?            
                                                            
47450 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



In taking a lady to bed,                                    
(I've found them much better unwed)                         
I tend to eschew                                            
The Phillips head screw,                                    
And rely on my little flat head.                            
                                                            
47451 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



For starters there's Nipple Surprise,                       
And the entre is Honey-Dew Thighs;                          
Then we finish the lunch                                    
With a lip-smacking munch,                                  
But we raffle the lucky-dip prize.                          
                                                            
47452 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



If a lady invites you to dine                               
On her pussy, then treat her like wine.                     
If you savor the flavor,                                    
You'll do her a favor                                       
And find that the taste is divine.                          
                                                            
47453 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Come here my love, open your thighs;                        
Your excitement you cannot disguise.                        
As my tongue darts around                                   
Your sweet clit, you'll be bound                            
To start making those whimpering sighs.                     
                                                            
47454 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Some connoisseurs view with some glee                       
Shrimp grown, where their ladyloves pee.                    
But sometimes I wish                                        
For a little less fish,                                     
Though I do enjoy food from the sea.                        
                                                            
47455 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Oh boy, if that is the taste                                
You long for, there's no time to waste.                     
I'll sit on your face                                       
If that is the place...                                     
Come, dinner is ready, make haste!                          
                                                            
47456 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



But first, I must mention your thighs;                      
They are soft and so warm where they rise                   
To the junction of hips,                                    
That I must, with my lips,                                  
Gently nuzzle, while feasting my eyes.                      
                                                            
47457 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Mons veneris I'll also embrace                              
With my nose and my cheeks while I trace                    
The length of your lobe                                     
With a finger and probe                                     
The hood with a pearl at its base.                          
                                                            
47458 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



I will moisten just one finger tip                          
With saliva and shallowly slip                              
It into that spot,                                          
So slippery hot,                                            
That it causes my heartbeat to skip.                        
                                                            
47459 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



The digit now covered with juices,                          
The finest a woman produces,                                
I'll return to my lips                                      
And slurp all the drips,                                    
With a passion unrivaled by Zeus's.                         
                                                            
47460 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



For you labia lickers out there,                            
A question or two about hair.                               
Do you like lots of fur                                     
On that part of her,                                        
Or does it work better when bare?                           
                                                            
47461 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          KJ                       



I think it is like this, you see,                           
Snatches are as sweet as can be.                            
When I'm perpendicular,                                     
I'm just not particular.                                    
Either way is just fine with me.                            
                                                            
47462 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Dennis Taylor            



There's one thing, though, now that I think;                
If "down there" is nothing but pink,                        
The risk is reduced                                         
That hair will get loosed                                   
And find its way into my drink.                             
                                                            
47463 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          AJA                      



You men who are not up to par,                              
And no longer in sex, seem to star,                         
There's no need to get flustered                            
If you can't cut the mustard,                               
You always can lick out the jar.                            
                                                            
47464 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Albin Chaplin 3024  G0891



Good marks for oldtimer Omar,                               
Who can't raise his tent very far.                          
His plumbing is rusted,                                     
He can't cut the mustard,                                   
But he's an expert at licking the jar.                      
                                                            
47465 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Oldcoach                 



If eating a cunt turns you on,                              
Then ordinary sex must've gone                              
Right out of your head,                                     
Or maybe you're dead,                                       
Or is Cunny like sex, just a con.                           
                                                            
47466 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Richard Jean             



I understand that not a bit.                                
Tom Sawyer went lickety split,                              
And most every boy                                          
Since then's found a joy                                    
In gobbling a mouthful of clit.                             
                                                            
47467 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Richard Jean             



Not once having heard of a cock                             
That doesn't get hard as a rock,                            
While giving a lick,                                        
I'd think that his dick,                                    
Has need of a specialty doc.                                
                                                            
47468 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Goin2later               



When women scream 'No!' they mean 'Yes!',                   
Which means they want more and not less;                    
When you're licking her clit                                
And the lady cries 'Quit!' --                               
Her grip on your head, means to press.                      
                                                            
47469 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



Women aren't that fickle at all;                            
Just listen closely to their call.                          
Once licked her clit,                                       
And then she calls 'Quit!' --                               
She means you go in to your balls.                          
                                                            
47470 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Juliette                 



You are so brave and so bold,                               
To spell out the truth you've just told,                    
'Cause the AJL ladies                                       
Will sure give you Hades                                    
And hustle out limericks to scold.                          
                                                            
47471 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          John Miller              



I read what you wrote and was hopin'                        
For insight, but guess you're just grope'n                  
Like me.  This I know                                       
Should a girl driver show                                   
Her hand out the window...It's open!                        
                                                            
47472 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          John Miller              



It's time, now, to just wait and see                        
If AJL ladies will be                                       
Incited to riot,                                            
Or sit and keep quiet,                                      
Like most of them are, except three.                        
                                                            
47473 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



Kiss, tickle, lick, fondle, entice,                         
And then you will spread those legs nice.                   
But once my tongue's in it                                  
For scarcely a minute,                                      
Those legs clamp my neck like a vice!                       
                                                            
47474 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



I'm 'trapped' like a prison house con                       
But like this stiff sentence I'm on                         
Got life sans parole                                        
With my tongue in your hole                                 
And your knees muffling screams of "OH JON!"                
                                                            
47475 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Although I have made many trips                             
To the South, I've not eaten grits.                         
Since we're of the same mind,                               
Come for desert, you'll find                                
Some mouth watering lickety-splits!                         
                                                            
47476 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Carol                    



And then, after I'm through with it,                        
Perhaps you'd be willing to sit                             
On my face for a while                                      
In a more forceful style,                                   
As I nibble and suck on your clit.                          
                                                            
47477 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Cyberwizard              



Well, you sure know how to bewitch,                         
Bother, and bewilder this bitch.                            
You're really a wizard,                                     
A tongue like a lizard.                                     
I hope no one here is a snitch.                             
                                                            
47478 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Carol                    



I know that this lim's not about me;                        
I'm a much different Thomas, you see.                       
No charmer am I,                                            
Just a regular guy;                                         
The women tell me quite frequently.                         
                                                            
47479 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Tom Accousti             



I am not especially well hung;                              
My praises have never been sung.                            
But I get my dates                                          
When potential love mates                                   
See me licking my nose with my tongue.                      
                                                            
47480 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Tom Accousti             



Although you've a tongue full of snot,                      
I'm sure you get dates that are hot.                        
But none can compare                                        
To Jon's tongue, I swear                                    
That he can tie it in a knot.                               
                                                            
47481 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Carol                    



Now while I've been told that the motion                    
Of my tongue can cause a commotion,                         
My being tongue-tied                                        
Is caused from outside.                                     
Your beauty brings hart-felt devotion.                      
                                                            
47482 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Jon Gearhart             



Hey ladies...A question from Yendor,                        
Concerning your organ most tender.                          
When eating your twat,                                      
What makes you most hot?                                    
What makes your head spin like a blender?                   
                                                            
47483 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



When cunnilingus I seek,                                    
I want a tongue long and sleek,                             
Well skilled in delight,                                    
With plenty of might,                                       
That leaves you out Yendor geek.                            
                                                            
47484 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



You might have told porkies in haste,                       
But each of us varies in taste.                             
As my dear old dad said,                                    
"When you're bouncing in bed,                               
To have more than a mouthful's a waste..."                  
                                                            
47485 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



I never consume in great haste,                             
'Cause I love to just savour the taste.                     
As a fellow once said                                       
Eating pumpkin in bed,                                      
More than a mouthful is a waste                             
                                                            
47486 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,                              
Said, "Mister, eat pussy each day;                          
Your gums will be stronger,                                 
Your teeth will last longer,                                
'Cause pussy prevents tooth decay!"                         
                                                            
47487 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



I took Miz Faye Ray's good advice,                          
My smile, women say, is real nice;                          
Since great dental health                                   
Spawns great mental wealth,                                 
I eat pussy daily...least twice!                            
                                                            
47488 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



I've just had a marvelous bath,                             
And so I don't suffer Jon's wrath.                          
I've cleaned my twat cheese,                                
'Cause I aim to please,                                     
If he comes down my eatin' path.                            
                                                            
47489 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Your twat cheese is my favorite snack,                      
So please leave some there in your crack.                   
I'll lick it all off                                        
Then give you a boff;                                       
First front; then again from in back.                       
                                                            
47490 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



And then when I come, I'll explode.                         
You'll think a river has flowed.                            
I'll fill up your qooge                                     
With pearly white spooge,                                   
From inside my throbbing hard node.                         
                                                            
47491 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



We laugh with each other in here                            
'Bout pussy and penis and beer.                             
We laugh at your fart                                       
Imitating our art,                                          
And wish that you're nowhere near here!                     
                                                            
47492 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Says an airline wanton named Vi:                            
"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.                           
To a muffers delight,                                       
I'll take head on a flight,                                 
So the guy can have pie in the sky."                        
                                                            
47493 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



There was a young pilot named Fry;                          
His plane at great speeds he did fly.                       
He had salad at home,                                       
And the main course in Rome,                                
And at noon, he had pie in the sky.                         
                                                            
47494 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-2583



So as not to bite you down there,                           
I'll remove my dentures with care,                          
And place them upon                                         
The dash, gumming on,                                       
As you drive around here and there.                         
                                                            
47495 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Gearhart                 



Seeking those bumps you enjoy,                              
Why don't we now go and employ                              
Those cobblestone streets                                   
In the old sections, sweets;                                
The bouncing will make you deploy.                          
                                                            
47496 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Gearhart                 



Gallons of nice sticky juice,                               
As I lick and gum, you will ooze.                           
I'll have quite a treat                                     
As I savor your meat,                                       
And drink just as much as I choose.                         
                                                            
47497 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Gearhart                 



But be careful of those bumps, my lass,                     
For if you go over too fast,                                
My dentures will fall                                       
And in no time at all,                                      
I will bite myself on the ass!                              
                                                            
47498 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Gearhart                 



Please keep your teeth in your head;                        
Just try using your tongue instead.                         
I'm sticky and numb                                         
From your chewing gum;                                      
This pretty pink meat's sore and red!                       
                                                            
47499 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Carol                    



Big Red is the flavor I chose                               
To chew while I give a tongue-hose,                         
To your juicy fruit,                                        
Before sliding my root                                      
Deep inside, once we reach where it goes.                   
                                                            
47500 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Gearhart                 



There's something 'bout hugging a beard                     
When between my legs it appeared.                           
It might tickle so cute                                     
I could strangle the brute                                  
And imminent death would be feared.                         
                                                            
47501 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Kathi Webster            



Much better to use the tongue;                              
Keeps them from dying so young.                             
Though talent's required,                                   
They've never been fired,                                   
Though one guy once blew out a lung.                        
                                                            
47502 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Kathi Webster            



So you're there all alone, my dear?                         
You should not now have any fear.                           
I've grabbed my cape;                                       
I will help you escape                                      
The doldrums, for Tongueman is here!                        
                                                            
47503 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



I can lick all your blues clean away;                       
Leap tall blondes with one jump, land and lay.              
Choose now which of my powers                               
Will excite you for hours;                                  
You'll enjoy either toy either way!                         
                                                            
47504 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



Want my snake to come shake in your bush,                   
As I grip tightly onto your tush?                           
Or should I just stick                                      
With the toy that can lick,                                 
While your hands on my head give a push?                    
                                                            
47505 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



I anxiously wait for decision;                              
I assure I'll use utmost precision                          
With either sex toy,                                        
You choose to employ,                                       
For delight and joy of your 'division'!                     
                                                            
47506 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



A feathery flick of my tongue                               
Has often been known to have brung                          
Sweet liquidy waves                                         
To scrumptious hot babes,                                   
Of which you could be numbered among.                       
                                                            
47507 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Jon Gearhart             



I'm honored you included me                                 
Among the flowers on your tree,                             
Whose petals you'll pluck                                   
With your tongue, for a fuck,                               
But watch you're not stung by a bee.                        
                                                            
47508 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Carol                    



Y'all know that I'm picky and choosy,                       
But yesterday had me a floozy.                              
We spent all the night                                      
In ecstatic delight                                         
And this morning I'm knackered and woozy.                   
                                                            
47509 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



"Oh god; how I love you down there",                        
She said. "Mmph!" I said, "mmph, dearest Claire;            
I've been here for mmph hours                               
And I mmph think that now is                                
The time I came up for some air ...                         
                                                            
47510 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES                                   



The size of your tool doesn't matter                        
As long as your lady you flatter.                           
Use fingers and tongue                                      
And sex toys among                                          
The objects you use when you bat her.                       
                                                            
47511 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Arden                    



My favorite tool is my tongue;                              
Its talent is matched by none.                              
With twiddling and swirls,                                  
In amongst the curls,                                       
It could even defrock a nun.                                
                                                            
47512 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Arden                    



I'm a connoisseur of sweet lasses,                          
Fine women of all different classes.                        
When I kiss them down 'there'.                              
I ask them, "Take care;                                     
Don't cross your legs; I wear glasses."                     
                                                            
47513 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Goofing            TP9807



So you wear your glasses for kissing?                       
Are you worried that you would be missing                   
The point of attack,                                        
When you're in the sack?                                    
Is you aim much better when pissing?                        
                                                            
47514 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Marlene                  



My eyesight is weak, you can see.                           
My glasses as thick as can be.                              
I don't have to peek                                        
When taking a leak,                                         
I feel for the water, then pee.                             
                                                            
47515 ORAL - CUNN - ZSERIES          Goofing                  



Extracting her notes, as she scanned 'em,                   
"I gave ninety-nine blow jobs at random.                    
From this sample so huge,                                   
I concluded, for spooge,                                    
De gustibus non disputandum."                               
                                                            
47516 ORAL - FELL                    Hugh Clary               



I once met this gal from Norway,                            
She could blow my horn all day,                             
On floor and on table                                       
'Til I was not able;                                        
She made me kneel down and then pray.                       
                                                            
47517 ORAL - FELL                                             



She could eat pizza pie or cheese blintz,                   
And today she ate one of the quints.                        
She swallowed a pig;                                        
Her mouth is quite big.                                     
Last week she ate a Crown Prince!                           
                                                            
47518 ORAL - FELL                    Al Willis           T9801



This woman developed catarrh                                
In the area called uvular.                                  
When some men she throated,                                 
Her cheeks became bloated,                                  
So she wolfed down a tasty Mars Bar.                        
                                                            
47519 ORAL - FELL                    OgniGioia                



Boys and girls, let's go get prone,                         
And leave my poor johnson alone.                            
Never mind the ream --                                      
The best way to cream                                       
I when you get licked like a cone.                          
                                                            
47520 ORAL - FELL                    H WHELCHEL               



A certain young nympho I know,                              
Did fourteen guys in the snow.                              
And NBC crew,                                               
And Marv Albert too,                                        
Covered it live -- blow by blow by blow!                    
                                                            
47521 ORAL - FELL                    Minders            TP9802



Alas, yes, my poor drooping bat,                            
But perhaps I've the answer to that.                        
I called, feeling nervous,                                  
The car breakdown service,                                  
"Please help me, for I've got a flat."                      
                                                            
47522 ORAL - FELL                    Tiddy Ogg                



When her car broke down Vickie said, "Hell!"                
But she called a garage.  They sent Mel.                    
She needed a tow job.                                       
He needed a blow job.                                       
Both were cashless, but barter worked well.                 
                                                            
47523 ORAL - FELL                    Michael Weinstein   P0312



They sent a young female mechanic,                          
Who very soon settled my panic,                             
By starting to eat                                          
My once flaccid meat;                                       
"There's nowt like a good meal organic!"                    
                                                            
47524 ORAL - FELL                    Tiddy Ogg                



A brave lion tamer named Rick                               
Perfected a very slick trick.                               
First the beast opens wide                                  
Then Ricks head goes inside.                                
For the encore, he uses his dick.                           
                                                            
47525 ORAL - FELL                    Michael Weinstein   P8711



Ten wrong numbers and he's really sick;                     
The next caller would get quite a trick.                    
When it rings, he says "Hi"                                 
"May I please speak with Vi?"                               
"She can't talk; in her mouth is my dick!"                  
                                                            
47526 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



A well-built young lad named Horatio                        
Was especially fond of fellatio.                            
He had such a schlong,                                      
Ladies called him King Dong,                                
And improved his cocksucking ratio.                         
                                                            
47527 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Sometimes I contemplate meaning                             
While molars and throat I am peening.                       
I sporch on her face --                                     
Now is this debase?                                         
Or is it her spouse I'm demeaning.                          
                                                            
47528 ORAL - FELL                    H WHELCHEL               



A nonagenarian whore,                                       
Recalled blowjob's cost in the war.                         
Shortages were so                                           
That she'd give a free blow,                                
Just for something to warm up her core.                     
                                                            
47529 ORAL - FELL                    Res Ipsa                 



There once was a lady named McFee,                          
Who asked where the party would be.                         
Said a man from the South,                                  
"It'll be in your mouth,                                    
And everyone's coming. You'll see."                         
                                                            
47530 ORAL - FELL                    Donald Dimont            



I'd never your tonsils impale                               
By forcing the length in, full scale.                       
I'd wait for a squirth                                      
To shrink down my girth,                                    
And then you could swallow that tale!                       
                                                            
47531 ORAL - FELL                                             



Whenever a gentleman meets a                                
Girl in a pub, nothing beats a                              
Meal invitation:                                            
"For a bit of fellation,                                    
I'll buy you a four-seasons pizza."                         
                                                            
47532 ORAL - FELL                                             



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Who sailed the seas in a bucket.                            
He pulled down his pants                                    
And then did a dance,                                       
And then told his first mate to suck it.                    
                                                            
47533 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



With Viagra I'm back on the throne;                         
It's good hearing her once again moan.                      
Penetrating her maw,                                        
Tickling her uvula,                                         
She'll be gargling testosterone.                            
                                                            
47534 ORAL - FELL                                             



A lady of fashion, Miss Glick,                              
Was asked why she never was sick.                           
She replied with reflection,                                
"I suck cocks for complexion,                               
And there's vitamin D in a prick."                          
                                                            
47535 ORAL - FELL                    Albin Chaplin   3024-0813



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
This chick is sucking my cock.                              
I don't know the rest                                       
'Cause that way's the best                                  
Way of bringing on my writer's block.                       
                                                            
47536 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



I remember my first time in public,                         
In the balcony watching a dubbed flick.                     
When the soundtrack went out,                               
All heads turned about,                                     
'Cause all you could hear was glubglub-lick.                
                                                            
47537 ORAL - FELL                    MrMalo                   



A lady prime minister, straight,                            
Took a president out on a date.                             
This feminine minister,                                     
Whose intentions were sinister,                             
Then administered great head of state.                      
                                                            
47538 ORAL - FELL                    Thomas G. Keller    P9407



Most porn, that I've seen, features suckin'                 
A dick more than screwing or fuckin'.                       
To see his cock slide                                       
'Twixt the lips of his "bride",                             
To the fellow, it means he's got luck in.                   
                                                            
47539 ORAL - FELL                                             



I hope you will not take offense                            
When my hardon gets very intense.                           
The voyeur and neighbor                                     
Wants you, Masturbator,                                     
Suck me through a hole in the fence.                        
                                                            
47540 ORAL - FELL                    Randog                   



The newly crowned Queen of my heart                         
Can make my heartbeat quickly start                         
Thump thumping along,                                       
While humping my dong.                                      
I come when she hums on my part.                            
                                                            
47541 ORAL - FELL                                             



Let us just say it's unanimous,                             
That I am not very glamorous.                               
But when bending to suck                                    
And orally fuck,                                            
But, boy oh boy, am I amorous!                              
                                                            
47542 ORAL - FELL                    Ardens                   



"My dear," shouted frustrated Wallace,                      
"Why persist in behavior that's callous?                    
Don't just sit there and stare,                             
That is mean and unfair.                                    
Come and help me unlimpen my phallus!"                      
                                                            
47543 ORAL - FELL                    Isaac Asimov             



I believe that this is the question,                        
With the fellationic suggestion,                            
I do merit some guilt.                                      
When my sword's to the hilt,                                
Doth it give my love indigestion.                           
                                                            
47544 ORAL - FELL                    Writerman                



Shunning all prophylactic protection,                       
With her lips, she relieved his erection.                   
To her utter dismay                                         
She went out the next day                                   
With a public display of infection.                         
                                                            
47545 ORAL - FELL                                             



In the American version of cricket --                       
With kneepads, two balls, but no wicket --                  
There's no appeal for "Howzat"                              
As the man lifts his bat --                                 
Instead you'll hear "Kiss it or lick it!"                   
                                                            
47546 ORAL - FELL                    H Myers            TP9804



On a dark stormy night in Toledo,                           
While I read the Nicean Creedo,                             
From Quito down South,                                      
She came on with a mouth                                    
That completely enveloped my speedo!                        
                                                            
47547 ORAL - FELL                    Sam Pittman              



Those who haven't tried it may slag it,                     
But I have, so I pull it and drag it,                       
Till it stands proud and sturdy,                            
And she, like a birdy,                                      
Comes to chew on the crumbs of my baguette.                 
                                                            
47548 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Blow said the wind...Blow like me...                        
Pucker lips...Easy as can be.                               
I will try, said the girl,                                  
But why in the world                                        
Do you address me as Miss Lewinsky.                         
                                                            
47549 ORAL - FELL                    Lynn Dover               



It was hot and I felt kind of dry,                          
So I went for a beer, bye and bye.                          
When I ordered, I said,                                     
"I like lots of head."                                      
The waiter went down and -- Oh My!                          
                                                            
47550 ORAL - FELL                    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A worried young man from Stamboul,                          
Discovered red spots on his tool.                           
Said the doctor, a cynic,                                   
"Get out of my clinic!                                      
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."                      
                                                            
47551 ORAL - FELL                                        L0431



This husband told a very big lie,                           
To his gullible housewife named Vy.                         
"This girl slipped in slime,                                
But I caught her in time.                                   
That's how lipstick got smeared on my fly!"                 
                                                            
47552 ORAL - FELL                    Laurence Craft           



There's a move I would recommend when you                   
First enter a brothel's dim venue:                          
Make sure there's no cheatin'                               
On just what gets eaten                                     
(The Madam will show you the menu.)                         
                                                            
47553 ORAL - FELL                    Norm Storer         P9205



To a lady he fancied, he said,                              
"Your lips are incredibly red."                             
But he was a gent,                                          
What he really meant:                                       
"No doubt you give marvelous head!"                         
                                                            
47554 ORAL - FELL                    Norm Storer         P9505



There was a masseur from Bordeaux                           
Who would rub down your back, sweet and slow.               
And then, for a kiss,                                       
He'd give emphasis                                          
To your hips, to your butt, and your -- OH!                 
                                                            
47555 ORAL - FELL                    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The next time you ask for some head,                        
Make damn sure your thingy's not dead.                      
Her attitude's not placid,                                  
When you go all flacid,                                     
And swing in the breezy instead.                            
                                                            
47556 ORAL - FELL                    Arden                    



Since his lust wasn't satiated,                             
Pete asked Jan why they never dated.                        
She said "Hop on in bed!"                                   
And while she gave head,                                    
He squealed, "Thank god we aren't related!"                 
                                                            
47557 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The otolarynologist                                         
Checked for what the doc had missed.                        
I have not ingested                                         
What some hairy-chested                                     
Male ejaculates when he's blissed.                          
                                                            
47558 ORAL - FELL                                             



There was a young man named Ignatius,                       
Who complained of limericks salacious.                      
Then a girl named Monique                                   
Displayed her physique,                                     
And now all his thoughts are fellatious.                    
                                                            
47559 ORAL - FELL                    Bill Wright              



A man who's known only as Rob,                              
Supposedly does such a job,                                 
At pleasing the girls,                                      
Between their dirk curls,                                   
On his knob they're all wanting to bob.                     
                                                            
47560 ORAL - FELL                    Ryan                     



A girl should be able to take it;                           
Though brusque and quite rude, we can make it.              
My kind of chick                                            
Says to "Hi, suck my dick!"                                 
"It's tiny." She says, "I'll just rake it."                 
                                                            
47561 ORAL - FELL                                             



Old men whose libidoes are pricked,                         
When hardness they cannot depict,                           
Don't fret at your shrink                                   
Or think your're extinct;                                   
You problem can surely be licked.                           
                                                            
47562 ORAL - FELL                    Irving Superior     P8509



There once was a man named Folden,                          
His penis, a girl's mouth was holdin'.                      
She said, "No! Wait! First..."                              
Then he suddenly burst,                                     
And he thought, "Ah, silence is golden!"                    
                                                            
47563 ORAL - FELL                    Smurfette           T9711



I like oral stimulation;                                    
Humming can cause such sensation.                           
Your organ will groan                                       
And you'll surely moan,                                     
Because of simple vibration.                                
                                                            
47564 ORAL - FELL                                             



Two whores from their jobs have departed.                   
"It does smell like cocks," one remarked.                   
"I think I have burped",                                    
The other one slurped.                                      
"Oh good, 'cause I thought you had farted".                 
                                                            
47565 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



A conservative senator, Horatio,                            
Hated perverted sex, and he'd say so.                       
But he lost his aversion                                    
To sexual perversion                                        
When he learned "sodomy" includes fellatio!                 
                                                            
47566 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Please don't stop innovating                                
New scenes for us titillating.                              
Your imagination                                            
Is a huge stimulation,                                      
Wherein I'll soon be fellating.                             
                                                            
47567 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Lenore,                         
Who claimed she could blow many more.                       
She said with a grin                                        
As she wiped off her chin,                                  
"My God but my tonsils are sore!"                           
                                                            
47568 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Carol's skilled with a beach ball and pickets.              
She sucks that ball 'tween them.  The tickets               
We hawk for this feat,                                      
Where we gawk, are a treat                                  
To escapees from life's sticky wickets.                     
                                                            
47569 ORAL - FELL                                             



As an encore, this queen of vacuum                          
Sucks the well-preserved dong of Khartoum.                  
This towering truncheon                                     
On which she is lunchin',                                   
Extends from her lips to her womb.                          
                                                            
47570 ORAL - FELL                                             



Said a seller of fruit in Havana,                           
To a ripe red-lipped lady named Anna,                       
You want something to eata?                                 
No charge, senorita,                                        
Put those red lips around by banana.                        
                                                            
47571 ORAL - FELL                    Ogden Nield              



A man is a gem of creation                                  
With a passion for self exploration;                        
Having perfect design                                       
With beauty, divine,                                        
And a suitable place for fellation.                         
                                                            
47572 ORAL - FELL                    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I've got a friend who's called Rob;                         
Playing with computers, his job.                            
Surfing all day,                                            
He takes home good pay,                                     
And his girl friend gives a great blow job.                 
                                                            
47573 ORAL - FELL                    Funny Bone               



Aren't you a trifle atavistic, Mac                          
With that little supernumerary nipple on your sac?          
When I go down to eat,                                      
My purpose I defeat,                                        
When my lips slip from meat to teat and back.               
                                                            
47574 ORAL - FELL                                        L0411



You seem to be obsessed with my dick;                       
All you do is talk of my prick.                             
If that's just on your mind,                                
And new words can't you find,                               
Then feel free to give my prick a lick.                     
                                                            
47575 ORAL - FELL                                             



I listened all night to her claptrap,                       
Till invited right up for a nightcap.                       
After a brandy                                              
She got kinda randy,                                        
So I eased my stiff dick in her big yap.                    
                                                            
47576 ORAL - FELL                    Tutta                    



The French are a race among races;                          
They screw in the funniest places;                          
Any orifice handy                                           
Is considered quite dandy,                                  
And that goes for the one in their faces.                   
                                                            
47577 ORAL - FELL                    Anon                G0896



There once was a lifeguard named Lee,                       
Who rescued a girl from the sea.                            
She asked how to pay,                                       
And he said, "Just one way,                                 
Go down for the third time on me."                          
                                                            
47578 ORAL - FELL                                             



Mabel's built like she's ready to roll.                     
Bob's been on the road since last fall.                     
I'm tired of truckin'                                       
Instead of just fuckin',                                    
So I wish she'd just whoop me some skull.                   
                                                            
47579 ORAL - FELL                                             



A male friend of Sappho's had strong                        
Attraction to shoes, but it's wrong                         
To suppose that he'd care                                   
For any old pair.                                           
The tongue had to be good and long.                         
                                                            
47580 ORAL - FELL                    A. N. Wilkins       P8708



Interior decorator, Morgan,                                 
Learned all about art at the Sorbonne.                      
Though a gladiola                                           
Is on his pianola,                                          
He favored tulips on his organ.                             
                                                            
47581 ORAL - FELL                    Tom Patton          P9803



A waitress at Benny's Cafe                                  
Tripped right near my table one day.                        
I said "Excuse me, I                                        
Have soup in my fly."                                       
She just smiled and licked it away.                         
                                                            
47582 ORAL - FELL                                             



A charming young lass from Milwaukee                        
Bought a pair of new walkie-talkies.                        
That way she could hear                                     
When I'd scream "My dear!"                                  
A block off as she sucked my cockie.                        
                                                            
47583 ORAL - FELL                                             



Now boys, I'll see you all tonight,                         
We will play with all of our might.                         
We'll give a big blow;                                      
I'll pluck and then Jo                                      
Will do what she's best at. All right?                      
                                                            
47584 ORAL - FELL                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The most popular co-ed's a virgin;                          
Her stable of suitors will burgeon.                         
Though her hymen's intact,                                  
It's known for a fact,                                      
She gives blow-jobs without any urgin'.                     
                                                            
47585 ORAL - FELL                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Bought flowers, a card and some candy,                      
And a cute little lingerie panty,                           
It's for her that I yearn,                                  
And expect naught in return,                                
But a blowjob sure would be dandy.                          
                                                            
47586 ORAL - FELL                                             



"In slurping the sauce of the purple-                       
Head plum," teaches Janie, "Interpol-                       
Late knob twixt your lips,                                  
Then gulp when it rips,                                     
'Cause nothing says yum like a burp 'll."                   
                                                            
47587 ORAL - FELL                                             



Horatio, a handsome Hungarian,                              
Once bedded a lovely librarian.                             
When he asked for fellatio,                                 
She cried, "Oh Horatio,                                     
You know I'm a strict vegetarian!"                          
                                                            
47588 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Don Boen            P8302



A young Brit said, "Golly by jingo,                         
I just love playing Spanish Bingo."                         
He became most irate                                        
When they called B-8;                                       
Lost his smile so they called him "Gringo."                 
                                                            
47589 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Tom Patton          P9911



To his wife said a fellow named Jay,                        
"Jump in bed and we'll have us a lay."                      
Said his dear wife, distraught,                             
"Though my head aches a lot,                                
I believe that my cunt is okay."                            
                                                            
47590 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Albin Chaplin   3024-0219



I wanted my gal to deep throat,                             
So she practiced for weeks on a goat.                       
Now she won't suck my meat,                                 
'Less I let out a bleat,                                    
Or kiss me without a fur coat.                              
                                                            
47591 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Lee Kansas               



Cameron was a student at Balmoral,                          
Who wanted to receive some oral.                            
He met a great girl,                                        
When she saw him -- she hurled,                             
And said "Come on -- I do have some moral."                 
                                                            
47592 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



A truculent guy from Pawtucket                              
Inquired of a girl if she'd suck it.                        
She exclaimed with surprise,                                
"Why it makes my gorge rise!"                               
He replied with a snarl, "Well then, fuck it!"              
                                                            
47593 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                               G0892



A lady named Shirley was mellow,                            
As she said to an eager young fellow,                       
"I prefer bagels and lox                                    
To the sucking of cocks,                                    
Or even a nice bowl of Jello!"                              
                                                            
47594 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



While touring the city of Cologne,                          
I had a drink in a Bunny Club alone.                        
"What's yours?" smiled a bunny,                             
"Two liquors, honey."                                       
She sniffed and said, "Go lick your own!"                   
                                                            
47595 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           FCA                 T9712



She complained to her sweetheart, McGlutt,                  
That their sex life was in a deep rut;                      
Now ofttimes they quarrel,                                  
Over sex that is oral;                                      
How she wishes she'd kept her mouth shut.                   
                                                            
47596 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Margaret A. Murdock P8305



A handsome young maiden named Cobb                          
Hung around with a crusty old slob.                         
He said, "She's a shit,                                     
But I need to get fit,                                      
Or she'll never drink spunk from my knob."                  
                                                            
47597 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           H Whelchel               



'Twas a brIde just outside Terre Haute                      
Who announced to her spouse, and I quote,                   
"You should know I decline                                  
To perform '69',                                            
Plus some others I will not denote.                         
                                                            
47598 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Keith MacMillan     A047B



The wife cannot get through her dome                        
The reason her husband does roam.                           
Sanctimony pervades                                         
Matrimonial charades -                                      
And he can't get a blow job at home.                        
                                                            
47599 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Al Chapin           P9410



Soldiers from the World War One trenches                    
Went to Paris to seek sexy wenches.                         
Said one soldier, bemused,                                  
"We are all so confused,                                    
They are great fucks, but none of them frenches."           
                                                            
47600 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Rick Kaplowitz      P9205



And here I was telling my chums                             
To wait for the yell when I comes.                          
But now you confirm                                         
My oversized worm,                                          
Won't even by squeezed by your gums?                        
                                                            
47601 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           SFA                      



With you I will no longer bother,                           
My Valentine will be another,                               
'Cause Ericka said                                          
If she, I will wed,                                         
My ardour she quickly will smother.                         
                                                            
47602 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           SFA                      



You go spend your life on your knees,                       
And pray just as much as you please.                        
Then maybe God willing,                                     
You'll get something filling.                               
Too bad that it will NOT be these!  (using both hands)      
                                                            
47603 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           SFA                      



It's Ramadan, sister, at last.                              
So now during daylight we fast.                             
And our Ayatollah,                                          
Will vent his great choler                                  
On us: get your mouth off my mast.                          
                                                            
47604 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



A girlie who puffs on a fag                                 
Will soon find it's really a drag.                          
'Cause fags do not care                                     
For girls, dressed or bare.                                 
It's the boys that make their tails wag!                    
                                                            
47605 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Sam Shaffe          P8809



I usually do believe                                        
It's better to give than receive.                           
But in some things I've said                                
Like blowjobs for Fred,                                     
My 'giving' will not be achieved                            
                                                            
47606 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



She gave me a piece of her mind,                            
When I asked for a piece from behind.                       
"Forget it!" she said,                                      
When I wanted some head.                                    
So how's a poor boy to unwind?                              
                                                            
47607 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Mike Desso               



Ron Jeremy can suck his own dick;                           
I've seen it; it wasn't a trick.                            
If I could just teach                                       
Mine own pecker to reach,                                   
She'd be out on her ear really quick.                       
                                                            
47608 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Mike Desso               



I guess I should move to Nantucket,                         
Where maybe I'd learn how to suck it.                       
I would say with a grin,                                    
Wiping come off my chin,                                    
"Learn to eat your own pussy, bitch!"                       
                                                            
47609 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Mike Desso               



She said she was feeling just swell;                        
He suggested, "Good, let's raise some hell!"                
"Can't Honey, at eight                                      
I've a GYN date."                                           
So he asked, "With your dentist as well?"                   
                                                            
47610 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Jane D. Hughes      P9006



There once was a lass from Nantucket                        
Who was constantly trying to fuck it.                       
Said her man with a sigh,                                   
"It wouldn't cause you to die                               
If once in a while, you would suck it."                     
                                                            
47611 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Mitch White              



"I have for you, love, just one question --                 
Will you try any position I mention?"                       
She answered me NO!                                         
And I decided to go.                                        
A blowjob was just out of the question.                     
                                                            
47612 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Jim Weaver Collection    



The venerable Alfred P Sloan                                
Preferred the cup, not the cone.                            
And when asked if he would,                                 
He replied, "If I could                                     
I'd raise much more than my bone."                          
                                                            
47613 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



There once was a man named Fred,                            
Was in search of getting some head.                         
He went to Dallas,                                          
And found a Pussy Palace,                                   
And settled for that instead!                               
                                                            
47614 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



The chill makes my nipples so perky                         
And the wine makes me queasy and quirky!                    
I'd give all you men head --                                
But I'd rather drop dead --                                 
And I'd rather be eating beef jerky.                        
                                                            
47615 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Jim Weaver Collection    



He decided his birthday'd be sweeter,                       
If Suzanne would suck on his tweeter.                       
"There's no way!" she said.                                 
"If you want birthday head,                                 
I'm afraid you must settle for Peter!"                      
                                                            
47616 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Jim Weaver Collection    



A blow job I was secretly wishin'                           
When I told her semen had nutrition.                        
But in place of good head,                                  
I got bitch-slapped instead;                                
Thus my dream didn't reach it's fruition.                   
                                                            
47617 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



I don't know, we just might be seen...err...                
Are you sure that that thing is all clean...err...          
I guess that I could...                                     
I don't know if I should....                                
JUST SHUT UP AND SUCK ON MY WEINER!                         
                                                            
47618 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



A horny young laddie named Jim,                             
Liked his women quite gentle and prim.                      
But would they give head                                    
Before they were wed?                                       
I must say the chances are slim.                            
                                                            
47619 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Jayne                    



A thoughtful young widow, undaunted,                        
By her husbands's demise, she was haunted.                  
The remains of her man                                      
She exposed to a fan,                                       
For a blow job was what he had wanted.                      
                                                            
47620 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Albin Chaplin   3024-3018



"I can lick it till you're out of your mind?"               
"I guess so," he said. "T'would be fine!"                   
He laid back and waited                                     
While she quickly debated.                                  
Decided, "Nah, why waste the time?"                         
                                                            
47621 ORAL - FELL - DENIED                                    



Our Julie is somewhat unruly;                               
An anarchist really and truly.                              
When her partner once said                                  
"Please give me some head,"                                 
She gave him a whack in the goolies!                        
                                                            
47622 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Cyber Celt          T9710



At sex oral, some women will balk,                          
And their mouths will become dry as chalk.                  
They will keep their lips shut                              
And their jaws they will jut;                               
Why is it they refuse to talk.                              
                                                            
47623 ORAL - FELL - DENIED           Travis Brasel            



A friend of mine back from the dead                         
Assures me there is nothing to dread.                       
No mean boss, nagging wife,                                 
No one says, "Get a life!"                                  
And the angels give heavenly head.                          
                                                            
47624 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Writerman                



Blow jobs?  Betsy had but few peers.                        
Her sword swallowing was famous for years.                  
But her source of renown                                    
Was not all going down;                                     
'Twas the fact she could breath through her ears.           
                                                            
47625 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



I met that old biddy Miss Pringle,                          
She told me that she was bi-lingual,                        
Sure 'nough the sensation                                   
When she gave fellation,                                    
Pretty near made my balls jingle.                           
                                                            
47626 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



There once was a girl named Korky,                          
Who used her mouth quite adroitly.                          
The boys she would please                                   
From down on her knees.                                     
She bobbed like a fisherman's corkly.                       
                                                            
47627 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Lims For Year - 01       



When he met her, he got quite a shock --                    
Her face would stop any old clock.                          
But her praises he sung,                                    
For her use of her tongue --                                
She knew what to do with his cock!                          
                                                            
47628 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Kaylin                   



Slowly but surely my friend,                                
As over your member I bend.                                 
You choose the pace,                                        
Your hands on my face,                                      
Your pleasure is what I intend.                             
                                                            
47629 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



The girl from Japan, so discreet,                           
Decided to give him a treet.                                
She lay down on the bed                                     
While he stood with legs spread,                            
And she gave him a kiss on the meat.                        
                                                            
47630 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1938



It's an art to give a good BJ,                              
Tongue and lips, no teeth in the way.                       
But don't push on my head,                                  
'Cause you might end up dead,                               
And without your dick the next day!                         
                                                            
47631 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



My new secretary's Miss Treadwell.                          
She can't spell and she's not very read well.               
But I still sing her praise                                 
And she's up for a raise,                                   
For the fact is she really gives head well.                 
                                                            
47632 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Martin Wellborn     P9210



At a sexualogical congress,                                 
They set out on how to express                              
For a good suck, the norm.                                  
They arrived at this form (ula)                             
Now folks that's tremendous progress.                       
                                                            
47633 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



A careful young man, Jerry Treadwell,                       
Looked straight at his date Mary, said: "Tell               
Me what sexual books                                        
You have studied. Gadzooks!                                 
Frankly my dear, you give head well."                       
                                                            
47634 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           James Waite         P9211



A long time ago there lived Lilly,                          
Who sucked on her boyfriend's willy.                        
One day in the yard,                                        
He got so big and hard,                                     
"I'm coming," he cried, "It's a dilly"                      
                                                            
47635 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



I have a friend who's quite a snob;                         
She confesses to sucking of nob.                            
She'll go somewhere dark,                                   
(Like a bench in a park)                                    
To indulge in the art of blow job.                          
                                                            
47636 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



In his youth, our old friend Boccaccio,                     
Was having a girl in a patio.                               
When it came to a twat,                                     
She wasn't so hot,                                          
But, boy, was she good at fellatio!                         
                                                            
47637 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                               L0386



Anorexic was that little chick,                             
And she would dine only on dick.                            
No calories it had,                                         
And didn't taste bad.                                       
She said, "I won't eat but I'll lick."                      
                                                            
47638 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Ray Hemphill             



Fair Florence I happen to know;                             
On skin flute she's happy to blow.                          
Now being ungallant,                                        
But due to her talent,                                      
We all call the lass Minstrel Flo.                          
                                                            
47639 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Irish                    



You sound a like a cannibal, hon.                           
Do you use ketchup on your bun?                             
The taste of clean male                                     
Will never grow stale,                                      
But they are at peace when I'm done!                        
                                                            
47640 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



My babe is a calculus ace.                                  
Derivatives heighten her pace.                              
And vector mechanics                                        
Just drives her all frantic.                                
(She figgers the arc to her face.)                          
                                                            
47641 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



Embarrassed I am of my weakness                             
My salami is tragically meatless.                           
But then my girlfriend,                                     
Orally cured the bend,                                      
While exclaiming "Let me try to tweak this."                
                                                            
47642 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



Her mouth was full of semen,                                
Where never before it'd been.                               
She swallowed it deep                                       
And with one eye she'd peep,                                
To see if she'd licked it all clean.                        
                                                            
47643 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Mark                     



There once was a girl from Peoria                           
Who gobbled tars like cacciatoria.                          
Her seamenly taste                                          
Is sated post haste,                                        
As she goes down like the Andrea Doria.                     
                                                            
47644 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Charlie Mason            



My girl's weakness for cock is well known;                  
She's happiest slurpping a bone,                            
Whose girth and whose size,                                 
Barely fit 'tween her thighs,                               
And stretches her twat till she moans.                      
                                                            
47645 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



"My Far Eastern mistress", sighed Chase,                    
"Who's left me, is hard to replace.                         
She was super in bed,                                       
Giving fabulous head,                                       
So what's shameful is my loss of face."                     
                                                            
47646 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



A comely young lass named Monique,                          
Gave head in a way quite unique.                            
She'd pull back the skin,                                   
Before shoving it in,                                       
And work with a magic mystique.                             
                                                            
47647 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



I'm always ready for some sleaze,                           
'Cause with you my aim is to please.                        
Before we're undressed,                                     
I've just one request,                                      
Would you buy a pad for my knees?                           
                                                            
47648 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



There once was a lady named Tucker,                         
Whose lips did a wonderful pucker.                          
She did such a good job                                     
At sucking a knob,                                          
That nobody bothered to fuck her.                           
                                                            
47649 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



An old man of good breeding from Dallas                     
Was berating his girl friend so callous.                    
"When you're down on your knees,                            
You must learn to say 'Please,"                             
And don't speak with a mouthful of phallus."                
                                                            
47650 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-2959



A buxom young thing, our Nurse Nancy,                       
Her male patients often she'd fancy.                        
She'd join them in bed,                                     
Give the world's greatest head;                             
Each visit was thrilling, but chancy.                       
                                                            
47651 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Ogden Nield              



A fellatrix with a very nice duff,                          
Said of oral sex, "I can't get enough!"                     
We won't repeat names,                                      
But she's one of those dames,                               
Who'd suck the bumper hitch chrome off.                     
                                                            
47652 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



I knew a mam'selle of hout-gout                             
Who performed on trapeze, derring-do.                       
She found tasty dudes                                       
At high altitudes,                                          
Where she blew them right out of the blue.                  
                                                            
47653 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           TuttaGioia               



Susan's favorite meal, Trouser Trout,                       
Smothered in shorts, there's no doubt.                      
Order number "3"                                            
She'd get from me                                           
When I pull Moby Dick right on out!                         
                                                            
47654 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



While picking up squashes, young Ford                       
Raised the skirt of the girl he adored.                     
But this young melon picker                                 
Showed herself to be slicker,                               
When she blew the man out of his gourd.                     
                                                            
47655 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin            



Sweet, relax -- leave your worries behind;                  
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, (we're entwined)                            
5, 4, 3 (the flames catch                                   
From our burning lust-match)                                
2, 1, Zero...blown out of your mind.                        
                                                            
47656 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Lucy                     



A party to which I'm invited                                
Is getting me rather excited.                               
For last year Bobbi-Jo..                                    
Gave my rod such a blow,                                    
That my corduroy trousers ignited.                          
                                                            
47657 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Frank                    



That mistress of word play, Aspasia,                        
Plays tricks with her tongue that will daze ya;             
Because of wild punning                                     
We call her "The Cunning                                    
Archduchess of Paronomasia."                                
                                                            
47658 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Armand Singer       P2006



A well-hung young man from Tallulah                         
Spanned the length of a twenty-inch ruler.                  
Then this daring old soul                                   
Sort of swallowed him whole,                                
And it bloody near burst her uvula.                         
                                                            
47659 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Hugh Oliver         A057D



A sword-swallower with a penchant for men,                  
Expressed a particular yen                                  
For the largest male sword                                  
That she could engorge,                                     
And to practice on that now and then.                       
                                                            
47660 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Lanark                   



A flat-chested lady named Keyes,                            
Had titties resembling two peas.                            
But her oral technique                                      
Could stiffen the weak,                                     
And left all the strong on their knees.                     
                                                            
47661 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                              G0868a



In high school, young Peggy Sue Meade,                      
Because of her oral sex speed,                              
Was given the honor                                         
By Principal Bonner:                                        
Most Likely The One To Suck Seed.                           
                                                            
47662 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Travis Brasell           



As my daily rhymes I was picking,                           
Her tongue had proceeded to flicking.                       
And then it was swirled                                     
As they say "'round the world",                             
And she gave me a damn good rim licking.                    
                                                            
47663 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



There once was a fellow named Mitty,                        
Too busy to roam.  T'was a pity.                            
But a hooker named Brice                                    
Took him, for a price,                                      
'Round the world without leaving the city.                  
                                                            
47664 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There's a love-crazy lady in Brixam                         
Who's such a fantastic young vixen,                         
That men, coming near,                                      
All shudder with fear,                                      
For she grabs and she bites and she licks 'em.              
                                                            
47665 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           John O'Mill (Foster)P0209



Some insight from Friday night's feats:                     
(Why hair 'round my pate still depletes.)                   
Testosterone? No.                                           
It's from a good blow.                                      
And scooting, back arched, 'cross the sheets.               
                                                            
47666 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           H Welchel                



His cock she devoured with glee.                            
He said, "Whatcha doin' to me?                              
I feel like my brain                                        
Has gone down the drain."                                   
She stopped, "But I'm smarter than thee."                   
                                                            
47667 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Bonnie                   



Now he was in such a sad state;                             
She laughed when his dick did deflate.                      
I've sucked out your brain;                                 
It was not a strain;                                        
Not enough there to evaluate.                               
                                                            
47668 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Bonnie                   



Travel agency owner, Ms Phipps,                             
Is acclaimed for fine tricks with her lips.                 
Clientele, mostly men,                                      
Come again and again,                                       
Since she offers skilled licks with her trips.              
                                                            
47669 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Bob Giandomenico    P0305



A hooker who hails from Tunisia                             
Has a unique way to pleasia:                                
She'll go down on your hose                                 
Using only her nose,                                        
And for a finale, she'll sneezia!                           
                                                            
47670 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



A willing young beauty from Butte                           
Was known to have studied the flute.                        
So, it was said,                                            
That when giving head,                                      
Instead of just blowing, she'd toot.                        
                                                            
47671 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



There once was a girl from the Pyrenees,                    
Who had a most marvelous pair o' knees.                     
While parked on the pair,                                   
The young lass would stare                                  
At my balls in a way was sure to please.                    
                                                            
47672 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Irish                    



Though she'd braces, a coed, Miss Banks,                    
Was quite generous with her oral pranks.                    
With her braces removed,                                    
Her skills so improved,                                     
That the team sent her dentist their thanks.                
                                                            
47673 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Bob Giandomenico    P9511



A woman in love with my tip --                              
Attentive to grip, lip, and drip,                           
Shall soon be unsprung --                                   
My fingers and tongue                                       
Will thank her for caring to sip.                           
                                                            
47674 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



Young Katie is hopeless on tables;                          
She's off with the fairies and fables.                      
But when she's in bed                                       
And giving you head,                                        
My God! What she does to your cable!                        
                                                            
47675 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



Okay, you've convinced me there, Squat;                     
A ride with you sounds pretty hot.                          
If I'm satisfied,                                           
I'll give you a ride;                                       
My tongue'll tie you in a knot.                             
                                                            
47676 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



There was a cocksucker named Bentley,                       
Renowned for his art prominently.                           
It was quite an adventure                                   
For he took out his denture,                                
And he beat with his gums very gently.                      
                                                            
47677 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-1243



They watch with the greatest intent                         
To the way that their member is bent,                       
As it slips 'tween her lips.                                
Let it be near her hips,                                    
'Til the passion of both is well spent.                     
                                                            
47678 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



John, JOHN! Get your ass back in bed!                       
I like that thing hard, not soft instead!                   
With my tongue I'll go 'round,                              
Then up and back down                                       
You know I give excellent head!                             
                                                            
47679 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a guy named Fred                             
Who thought he was better off dead.                         
Till he met a girl, Di,                                     
Who unzipped his fly,                                       
And gave him the very best head.                            
                                                            
47680 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



There once was a maid in Duluth,                            
A striver and seeker of truth.                              
This pretty wench                                           
Was adept at French,                                        
And said all else was uncouth.                              
                                                            
47681 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                               L0399



As she sucked on his pecker so sweet,                       
Said Hines, "What a wonderful treat!"                       
She said, "It's not luck,                                   
For I learned how to suck                                   
By watching the lions gobble meat.                          
                                                            
47682 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT           Albin Chaplin   3024-0886



Mary was generous, not mean;                                
Some believed her talent obscene.                           
To her a blow job                                           
Was never one knob,                                         
But the whole college football team.                        
                                                            
47683 ORAL - FELL - EXPERT                                    



There was a young twirp in Ishkooda--                       
I never knew anyone lewder.                                 
She sucked off the chauffeur,                               
The African loafer,                                         
And worried his cock till he screwed her.                   
                                                            
47684 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0861



Sometimes misses look more like misters;                    
Some are covered with cellulite blisters.                   
So the position that pleases                                
Is down on their kneeses;                                   
That way they all look like sisters.                        
                                                            
47685 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



The ladies who live in Japan,                               
Exist just for pleasing a man.                              
They'll give him fellatio,                                  
Or lay on the patio,                                        
Or even a goose with a fan.                                 
(And muffle their farts with a fan.)                        
47686 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G1810



Through the length and the breadth of this nation,          
All's now proper on every occasion.                         
If a woman feels able,                                      
Then under the table                                        
Is a suitable place for fellation.                          
                                                            
47687 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Isaac Asimov             



One night at the back of the flicks                         
Was Richard and me and two chicks.                          
Since I was with Polly,                                     
I bought her a lolly,                                       
But Stephanie had to suck Dick's.                           
                                                            
47688 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           SFA                      



There was a young man named Keith,                          
Who liked to be fondled beneath.                            
When she'd start with her lips,                             
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...                              
But not when the bitch used her teeth!                      
                                                            
47689 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



The cake Jimmy baked on a whim                              
Last year, with much vigor and vim,                         
Was shaped like his schlong;                                
But her breath was so strong,                               
She blew out the candles and Jim.                           
                                                            
47690 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Brian  Belge             



Now, Jim says there's one thing he knows,                   
As another year comes to a close --                         
This year he'll forsake                                     
The baking of cake,                                         
And start with the part where she blows.                    
                                                            
47691 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Brian Belge              



The Elephant Man I am not,                                  
Though I do play piano a lot.                               
I shall serenade thee                                       
With sonatas in C,                                          
If my trumpet you'll blow 'til I'm hot.                     
                                                            
47692 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



An artisan near Boston, Mass.,                              
Earned her pay every week blowing Glass.                    
It all ended when                                           
That angry old hen,                                         
Mrs Glass kicked her square in the ass.                     
                                                            
47693 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



There were three ladies of Huxham,                          
And whenever we meets 'em, we fucks 'em.                    
And when that game grows stale,                             
We sits on a rail,                                          
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.                
(Published 1870)                                            
47694 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               L0052



A hasher there was from Fort Worth,                         
Whose tool had unusual girth.                               
When a girl from the South,                                 
Took his dick in her mouth,                                 
"I'm thorry, can't thay the lath verth."                    
                                                            
47695 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



A luscious young blonde named Jane,                         
Once sucked every man on a train.                           
Said she, "Please don't panic,                              
I'm just nymphomanic,                                       
This wouldn't be fun were I sane."                          
                                                            
47696 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Anon                G2375



In Reddick the ladies all know               (IL)           
The reason the guys' dickies all glow.                      
It's often been said                                        
That when they give head,                                   
They leave lots of lipstick below.                          
                                                            
47697 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Julia Strawn        P8805



The lady bent over to blow,                                 
He said, "You must do it just so,"                          
But he was a gent,                                          
What the guy really meant,                                  
"Why waste a big cake on this ho."                          
                                                            
47698 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Joe McEwen          P9505



Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,                      
Joined forces with Barnum and Bailey;                       
She went down on a clown;                                   
'Twas the talk of the town!                                 
Want more details?  E-mail me!                              
                                                            
47699 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Writerman                



The mayor at first felt concern                             
When his fate, for the worse took a turn.                   
He left, not dejected,                                      
But proud and erected --                                    
He enjoyed being licked by Miss Fern.                       
                                                            
47700 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0802



The girls in our village is buxom                           
And they lays on their backs while we fucks 'em.            
In between whiles,                                          
We sits on the styles,                                      
And hangs down our pricks and they sucks 'em.               
                                                            
47701 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young fellow of Thrace                          
Who went to his ladyfriend's place.                         
She complained, "I am wore                                  
And my cunt is too sore,                                    
But I'm good for a fuck in the face."                       
                                                            
47702 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0888



Butch had old ugly-assed Sue;                               
She was something he found in the zoo.                      
In the woods, one fine day                                  
Where the goony-golfers play,                               
He shot her mouth full of his goo!                          
                                                            
47703 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



Though Pam was as cute as a button,                         
She'd barf at the mention of mutton.                        
What got her in heat                                        
Was talk of my meat,                                        
For which the dear gal was a glutton.                       
                                                            
47704 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           SFA                      



There once was a girl called Robin,                         
Her open mouth, I shot my gob in.                           
She always would choke,                                     
While my dick she would stroke.                             
God bless her, her head was a-bobbin'.                      
                                                            
47705 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



"It's your daughter," said Constable Fred.                  
"She's too flouncy by half, It's been said.                 
Every bitch has her day,                                    
But I'd rather not say                                      
What that girl's taken into her head."                      
                                                            
47706 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           John Ciardi              



The busy street frightened Miss Blue,                       
Till Boy Scouts assisted her through.                       
She asked, "Can I repay                                     
Your good deed for today?"                                  
Said the leader, "A blow job will do."                      
                                                            
47707 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0793



A fortunate fellow named Tad                                
Was blessed with a wife who was glad                        
To French kiss his peter                                    
Whenever he'd meet her.                                     
The reason? - his breath was so bad.                        
                                                            
47708 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Arthur Deex         P8207



There once was a socialite, Beth,                           
Whose habits will thrill you to death.                      
She always would greet us                                   
With a kiss on the meatus.                                  
To avoid, she confessed, our bad breath.                    
                                                            
47709 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Arthur Deex         P8207



There's a housewife of old Nacogdoches                      
With a habit her friends think atrocious.                   
She'll kiss hubby's dong                                    
When she tells him "So long."                               
It's no fun - but he's got halitosis.                       
                                                            
47710 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Arthur Deex         P8207



As for John, and the young miss                             
Who first gave his first genital kiss --                    
He likes cherries to suck,                                  
But he's not had much luck --                               
He's been searching from that day to this!                  
                                                            
47711 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



In the West once, a passionate lass                         
Was considered a great piece of ass!                        
But when rustlers fled town,                                
She preferred to go down,                                   
As she headed them off at the pass!                         
                                                            
47712 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



There was a young lady named Hix,                           
Who was fond of sucking big pricks.                         
One fellow she took                                         
Was a doctor named Snook,                                   
Now he's in a hell of a fix.                                
(Famous murder trial of the 1920's)                         
47713 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               L0404



I saw your dear wife as she glowers.                        
Oh yes, I'm enjoying your flowers.                          
The next time you drop by                                   
I'll be sucking you dry                                     
As a meatloaf that's baked seven hours.                     
                                                            
47714 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               T9707



A sailor who sails o'er the wave'll                         
See a girl; what the seaman will crave'll                   
Be more than a feel,                                        
Love her up until she'll                                    
Suck the semen 'neath his naval navel.                      
                                                            
47715 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G2741



There was a young girl, very sweet,                         
Who thought sailor's meat quite a treat.                    
When she sat on their lap                                   
She unbuttoned their flap,                                  
And always had plenty to eat.                               
                                                            
47716 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               L0435



There once was a woman named Betty,                         
Who claimed to be horny and ready,                          
But this young woman said,                                  
I'll give a man head,                                       
If his balls are not smelly and sweaty.                     
                                                            
47717 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Bob Birch          P0206 



A girl that I once knew in Pinner                           
Attacked me one night after dinner.                         
In spite of my cries,                                       
She parted my thighs                                        
And muffled my protests within her.                         
                                                            
47718 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Frank                    



An ingenious inventor named Schlock                         
Inventions produced, 'round the clock.                      
"Ideas," he said,                                           
"Will come to my head                                       
When a lady is sucking my cock."                            
                                                            
47719 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0878



There once was a fellow named Fred                          
Who found a young lass in his bed.                          
He said with a grin,                                        
"Would it be such a sin                                     
If I asked her to give me some head."                       
                                                            
47720 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



The cure for my stress that works great,                    
Oral sex with my wife," declared Nate;                      
Said Pete, also stressed,                                   
"If that's what works best,                                 
I'll drop by at a quarter to eight."                        
                                                            
47721 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Ed Potts            P8511



There once was a man from Vancouver,                        
Whose wife could suck like a Hoover.                        
He smiled and he said,                                      
"I'd take her to bed,                                       
But the rugs are so clean, I won't move her.                
(Hoover - a brand of vacuum cleaner)                        
47722 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



An amusing young lady named Greer                           
Was always dispensing good cheer.                           
Her favorite trick                                          
Was to suck on the prick                                    
Of a guest who was serving her beer.                        
                                                            
47723 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0854



There once was a gal from Melbourne                         
And fellatio she wanted to learn.                           
The full taste of it                                        
Made her spit a bit,                                        
But she reckoned it killed all the worms.                   
                                                            
47724 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Geoff Broken Hill        



There was a young lady from Texas                           
Who bobbed my knob in her Lexus.                            
"You do that good                                           
As a dick nibbler should!"                                  
The ladies from Texas perplex us.                           
                                                            
47725 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



A fellow from south Amsterdam                               
Was quite fond being covered with jam.                      
When they licked underneath,                                
Gals lost all their teeth,                                  
Which may have been part of the plan.                       
                                                            
47726 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Robert Elliot            



A wealthy old midget, Miss Tuck,                            
Disclosed how she met with good luck.                       
She had yawned in a crowd                                   
Near a man who was proud --                                 
It was there, her first low blow was struck.                
                                                            
47727 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0889



In her garden behind the shed,                              
Sweet Sally gives her neighbors head.                       
Her garden in green;                                        
It's easily seen                                            
Rich mulch is so good for the bed.                          
                                                            
47728 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



"I hope, son" said dad, "you will wed                       
A sweet girl, who'll keep you well fed."                    
"But I want to marry                                        
A girl like Aunt Carrie                                     
Or mother who gives me great head."                         
                                                            
47729 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



A popular maiden from Twisp,                                
Had speech both incisive and crisp;                         
Till her pronunciation,                                     
Through constant fellation,                                 
Became a mellifluous lisp.                                  
                                                            
47730 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Ed Potts            P8606



Sue sold lettuce but now she is dead,                       
And her sister sells lettuce instead.                       
I'm glad Sue's at rest;                                     
Her sister's the best;                                      
Doesn't charge me when she's giving head!                   
                                                            
47731 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Travis Brasell           



My squeeze, Marylou, might be dizzy,                        
And her belly hair is kinda frizzy.                         
But after one beer                                          
She does something dear,                                    
She takes out her teeth and gets busy!                      
                                                            
47732 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



Sometimes they get down on their knees,                     
And give my gonads a squeeze.                               
And suck on my dick                                         
'Til it's all wet and slick,                                
And stop being an old pecker tease.                         
                                                            
47733 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           The Man                  



The girls can now have me back,                             
With all of my hardness intact.                             
Their tongues are stupendous,                               
And lips so tremendous,                                     
My vision is fading to black.                               
                                                            
47734 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



When asked to do something salacious,                       
She aswered, "Of course not!  Good Gracious!"               
But the sight of his tool                                   
So induced her to drool,                                    
That her view, in the end, proved fellatious.               
                                                            
47735 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Anon                     



I once had a girl name Suzie;                               
Truth is she was kind of a floozy.                          
When we were done porkin',                                  
She'd grab hold my organ,                                   
And blow me away like an Uzi.                               
                                                            
47736 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



To her boyfriend a lady named Brown                         
Remarked that her mother did frown                          
On screwing when dated,                                     
So the young lady stated                                    
That the best she could do was go down.                     
                                                            
47737 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1248



There's a social-psych coed at D.U.                         
Who'd just as soon suck you as see you.                     
Veblen gave her a taste                                     
For conspicuous waste:                                      
Are the other girls jealous?  Miew!!                        
(D.U. - Drake University??)                                 
47738 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0845



There was a young girl of Lessing,                          
Who loved pricks, but didn't like messing.                  
She would insert the head,                                  
'Twixt two slices of bread,                                 
And munch it without any dressing.                          
                                                            
47739 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



The fame of our Mame was her tushy,                         
And the front of her cunt.  (It was bushy.)                 
But I heard that her Mike,                                  
Preferred for his spike                                     
The place on her face that was swooshy.                     
                                                            
47740 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a woman who is quite the flirt,                     
And she goes by the name of 'Duart'.                        
She knows how to please,                                    
And does it on her knees:                                   
On her lips is tattooed "Please Insert."                    
                                                            
47741 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



There was a young lady of Ophir                             
Whose mother said, "That girl's a loafer!                   
I don't like her trick                                      
Of nibbling the prick,                                      
And sucking the balls of the chauffeur."                    
                                                            
47742 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0890



As the feminist finished undressing,                        
She exclaimed, "Oral sex needs some stressing!"             
She discovered the ratio                                    
Of successful fellatio                                      
To its counterpart, very distressing.                       
                                                            
47743 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Robin K. Willoughby P8312



An Indian half-breed, a Sioux,                              
Said, "Fellatio's the thing that I do."                     
Historians will say                                         
After she's passed away,                                    
"True American, red, white and blew."                       
                                                            
47744 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Tom Patton          P0108



In Vegas a groupie named Anna                               
Carries about her a banner                                  
That reads "Free Love To Bands."                            
She wound up at the Sands                                   
Eating Carlos Santana's banana.                             
                                                            
47745 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Michael Weinstein   P8302



A lady who loves fo fellate                                 
Will never make love after eight.                           
She says, "It's more fun                                    
To lay in the sun                                           
And that way I'll have seen what I ate.                     
                                                            
47746 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Pedro J Saavedra   P8302 



Big Bess was a mightly big eater;                           
The boys on the range want to meet her.                     
'Twas a rumor, of course,                                   
That she could eat a horse;                                 
Not likely; she'll settle for peter.                        
                                                            
47747 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Mark Levy           P9504



I once knew a girl named Naomi,                             
Who was always wanting to blow me.                          
So one time I let her;                                      
I said I'd had better.                                      
Now she acts like she doesn't know me.                      
                                                            
47748 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           MrMalo                   



Her panties were down to her knees.                         
This nubile young wench begged me, "Please                  
Could I give you some head?"                                
Then I gasped as I said,                                    
"My dear, you are such a (SIGH) tease!!"                    
                                                            
47749 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           John Dohner         P8802



The dreams of the horny young Greg                          
Involve drinking the dregs of a keg,                        
And having Louise                                           
Down there on her knees                                     
Just licking the smeg from his peg.                         
                                                            
47750 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Archie                   



Our luscious school nurse, Sue McGoon,                      
Made Joey's bruised thumb better soon,                      
By giving it a                                              
Big kiss.  That was May.                                    
Forty boys had groin bruises in June.                       
                                                            
47751 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               P8503



A young girl from Florida State                             
Performed oral sex on her date.                             
She said with regret,                                       
"My stomach's upset.                                        
It must have been something I ate!"                         
                                                            
47752 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Stan                     



There's a dowager near Sweden Landing,                      
Whose manners are odd and demanding.                        
It's one of her jests                                       
To suck off her guests.                                     
She hates to keep gentlemen standing.                       
                                                            
47753 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Morris Bishop       L0434



When asked, this young ingenue                              
Replied, "J'aime oral surtout!"                             
I said, "Don't be bold!                                     
Stop hinting I'm old!                                       
And you'll have to stop saying 'Sir' too."                  
                                                            
47754 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



An ardent Scots lass in Rangoon,                            
Went down on a Burmese quadroon.                            
While the rising wind rasped,                               
'Round the temple, she gasped,                              
"What a night for a blow!  Come Mon-soon!"                  
                                                            
47755 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



There was a young fellow named Jewett,                      
Whose prick was too short, and he knew it.                  
He said as he stuck it                                      
In where she could suck it:                                 
"But darling, you don't need to chew it."                   
                                                            
47756 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0864



I live in a town called Vancouver;                          
In finance, I'm really a mover.                             
But I'd trade it all in,                                    
For an evening of sin,                                      
With a girl who could suck like my Hoover.                  
(Hoover vacuum cleaner)                                     
47757 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Dick Potts          P8511



An employer to his employee,                                
"You'll go far, you're just what we need.                   
You'll advance with ease                                    
If you get on your knees --                                 
'Round here that's the way to suck-seed!                    
                                                            
47758 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



I'm shocked at you, dear Mr. Dub!                           
Of course I was not in that club!                           
Your behaviour's appall-                                    
ing! (And as I recall,                                      
It was more like licking a stub).                           
                                                            
47759 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



That stub was the teacher's, you tart;                      
'Twas easy to tell us apart,                                
For his was all cobbled                                     
Together and knobbled,                                      
While mine was a fine work of art.                          
                                                            
47760 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



That pretty young lady, Miss White,                         
Ran off in the still of the night                           
With a wealthy young Turk.                                  
Now she need do no work,                                    
She just lies and sucks Turkish delight.                    
                                                            
47761 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0921



Said a just-wed professor named Ted,                        
To a redhead coed in his bed,                               
"The weather's so snowy,                                    
And gusty and blowy,                                        
Won't you swallow my pride, dear, instead?"                 
                                                            
47762 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



There once was a lady from Sweden,                          
Who, on my dick was a-eat'n.                                
She reached with her hand,                                  
But I said, "No thanks, ma'am.                              
I'd rather be eaten than beaten."                           
                                                            
47763 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Mad Max                  



Charlotte, a lawyer of note,                                
Whose clitoris was deep in her throat,                      
Said she longed for a schlong                               
That was twelve inches long.                                
To her, that'd be a true table d'hote.                      
                                                            
47764 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Stan                     



On their way home from a hoe down,                          
The girl in the grass he did throw down.                    
When she clamped shut her thighs,                           
And widened her eyes,                                       
He said to her, "At least you can go down."                 
                                                            
47765 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Straydog                 



The doc said my throat was all red;                         
Infection was starting to spread.                           
I can't talk at all.                                        
To the bathroom I crawl                                     
To pee so I don't wet the bed.                              
                                                            
47766 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Carol                    



It's all that deep-throating, my dear;                      
Gave you that infection, I fear.                            
On dicks you are keen                                       
But they've got to be clean;                                
Don't let John or Travis get near.                          
                                                            
47767 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Tiddy Ogg                



When sucking dicks, one should beware,                      
'Cause you never know who, when, or where,                  
That dick was last sucked,                                  
Or maybe butt-fucked;                                       
With scrub brush and bleach I prepare.                      
                                                            
47768 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Carol                    



My girl had got my mind reeling!                            
Her lips on my shaft, what a feeling!                       
Over-runneth my cup                                         
With my feelings built up --                                
She'd have me shoot straight to the ceiling!                
                                                            
47769 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Da Homer                 



Now don't be afraid to start lickin';                       
Perhaps you prefer they just stick 'em?                     
The front or the back;                                      
A romp in the sack.                                         
It's time, girl, to get that tongue flickin'!               
                                                            
47770 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



There was a young girl of Cape Town,                        
Who usually fucked with a clown.                            
He taught her the trick                                     
Of sucking his prick,                                       
And when it went up, she went down.                         
                                                            
47771 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0833



A hostess, well known to be gracious,                       
Had appetites truly voracious.                              
She always was right,                                       
Despite that, at night,                                     
Her actions were mostly fellatious.                         
                                                            
47772 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Macsam                   



There's a tavern in London that's staffed,                  
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:                       
In her striving to please,                                  
She serves ale on her knees,                                
So the patrons get head with their draft.                   
                                                            
47773 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Garold Amadon            



What is it, pray tell, about men,                           
That for blow jobs they have such a yen.                    
Does it feel THAT nice?                                     
(It's over in a trice)                                      
And then they just want it again!                           
                                                            
47774 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



I met a young maid from France.                             
I wanted to get in her pants,                               
Then she took out my meat,                                  
And gave me a treat;                                        
Down the length with her tongue, she did dance!             
                                                            
47775 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Limberick                



My girl friend, where have you been?                        
In hiding or living in sin?                                 
I long for the lick                                         
Of your tongue on my stick;                                 
Just tell me, I beg, where or when?                         
                                                            
47776 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE           Stan the Man             



There was a young girl of Catalina                          
Who had a peculiar demeanor:                                
Either she'd fuck                                           
Or else she would suck,                                     
And I'm not quite sure which was the cleaner.               
                                                            
47777 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                               G0836



A toothsome young starlet named Smart                       
Was asked to display oral art,                              
As the price for the role.                                  
She complied, met his goal,                                 
And then sank her teeth in the part.                        
                                                            
47778 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



A ball-busting horny young chick?                           
Don't just lie there then, give this a lick.                
When I'm good and I'm ready,                                
I'll rip off your teddy,                                    
And make you quite slippery-slick.                          
                                                            
47779 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE                                    



"I'll tell you", smiled prom chairman Mose,                 
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose:                        
She's as cheerfully free                                    
As the wind on the sea -                                    
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"                   
                                                            
47780 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



A southern belle, not very tall,                            
Drives big, virile men up the wall;                         
"I've made sucking a sport,"                                
She confides, "and my forte                                 
Is keeping both eyes on the ball!"                          
                                                            
47781 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Mark Levy           P9511



She said to him, Mr. Moncrief,                              
I've had braces put on my teeth.                            
I think you'd be wise                                       
To measure your size                                        
And purchase a cast-iron sheath.                            
                                                            
47782 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Marlene Lewis            



Lily Arvel's a lewd little Jappy,                           
Fond of Jackie -- her poor silly chappie.                   
With her tongue loves to lick                               
His red sugar-stick;                                        
And when he comes in her mouth -- she is happy.             
(published 1901 and said to be historically important)      
47783 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Suburban Souls      P8809



Valentine, I don't know how to begin;                       
Here's a towel, wipe the jizz off yer chin.                 
You are really a moaner,                                    
When I slide you the boner,                                 
So clean-up and we'll do it again                           
                                                            
47784 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



A dwelling on Sycamore Lane                                 
Is crumbling from all of the strain                         
And stress of vibration                                     
Incurred from fellation                                     
Encounters with occupant Jane.                              
                                                            
47785 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Travis Brasell           



There was a young lass named Victoria,                      
Who lived just south of Peoria.                             
And when she gave head,                                     
She said that it led                                        
To feelings of utter euphoria.                              
                                                            
47786 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Robert                   



There once was a girl from the south                        
Whose lips produced noises uncouth.                         
Each morning she'd whistle                                  
At Brian's skin-missile,                                    
As it rocketed into her mouth!                              
                                                            
47787 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



"They have no head for figures", he said,                   
"So my girls keep the firm in the red.                      
But I don't fret or frown,                                  
Since I love to go down,                                    
And they sure have the figures for head!"                   
                                                            
47788 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



A hearing impaired gal named Frita                          
Was asked to play follow the leader.                        
That day in the school yard,                                
She sucked each last tool hard --                           
She thought we'd said swallow the peter                     
                                                            
47789 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



Amnesiac Rosemary Hewdon                                    
At sexual technique was well clued on.                      
Her love of fellation,                                      
Gave this explanation:                                      
My head I'd forget if not screwed on.                       
                                                            
47790 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Tiddy Ogg                



Adorable Deb from Darjeeling                                
Assumes a position when kneeling,                           
Of elegance graceful,                                       
And given a faceful,                                        
Looks even more cute and appealing.                         
                                                            
47791 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Peter Wilkins            



This Deb has a thing for the floor,                         
First her kneeling, then feet, so what's more?              
If this gal used her head,                                  
She be lovin' in bed.                                       
Sounds to me like a young novice whore.                     
                                                            
47792 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Jeanie                   



A boardinghouse floozy named Glubb                          
Loved sucking off cocks in the tub.                         
Her midnight ablutions                                      
Were filled with pollutions                                 
Of men coming home from the pub.                            
                                                            
47793 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                       G0851



"I'll use just my mouth, not my twat,"                      
She said.  Gave it all that she'd got.                      
It grew and it grew,                                        
And when she was through,                                   
A mouthful she had of my snot.                              
                                                            
47794 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Tiddy Ogg                



Her ruby red lips did entwine                               
A bugle she thought was divine.                             
She blew Reveille.                                          
His salute was not wee.                                     
Now that horn's a trombone supine.                          
                                                            
47795 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Tiddy Ogg                



Erections for Sue held no fears.                            
Quoth she, "There is no cause for tears!                    
With my lips, (I have found)                                
And my tongue wrapped around,                               
Their rigidity soon disappears!"                            
                                                            
47796 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Jersey City              



Said a cute university lass,                                
Who was taking a sex technique class,                       
"How excited I am!                                          
Aced the written exam,                                      
So now I've just orals to pass."                            
                                                            
47797 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Lucas Hulp          P9407



With Robert, her boyfriend, Miss Cobb,                      
Would nod when engaged in a job.                            
It was wrongfully said                                      
She was bobbing her head,                                   
When she really was heading her Bob.                        
                                                            
47798 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Donald Dimock            



I chase my tequilla with beer,                              
And toast to my gal's good cheer.                           
(She's waiting in bed                                       
To give me some head)                                       
But I'm writing lims to post here.                          
                                                            
47799 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



A leching employer named Pruitt                             
Asked applicant girls if they'd "do it".                    
I asked young Miss Kent                                     
How her interview went.                                     
She replied, with a grin, "Oh, I blew it."                  
                                                            
47800 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Jemstone            P9912



A certain young fellow named Dick,                          
Liked to feel his girl's hand on his prick.                 
He taught her to fool                                       
With his rigid old tool                                     
And to give it a kiss and a lick.                           
                                                            
47801 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Little Richard           



There once was a lady named Fox                             
Who dearly loved to suck cocks.                             
She gave such great head,                                   
It was widely said                                          
That her dates came home without socks.                     
(knock your socks off -- generic superlative - McW)         
47802 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Jim                      



Inflating four tires, plus a spare,                         
I needed some high pressure air;                            
To do the blow job                                          
I called my friend Bob,                                     
Who lent me his dear wife named Claire!                     
                                                            
47803 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



My tart put up all the balloons;                            
It took her all afternoon.                                  
Instead of blowing the lot,                                 
She was blowing my cock;                                    
It reminded me of my honeymoon.                             
                                                            
47804 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Anon                     



There once was a woman whose tongue                         
Beyond her vagina was hung.                                 
Her passion it fired                                        
But she quickly got tired,                                  
And over her shoulder 'twas slung.                          
                                                            
47805 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Craig                    



A tidy young lady of Streator,                              
Dearly loved to nibble on peter.                            
She always would say,                                       
"I prefer it this way.                                      
I think it is very much neater."                            
                                                            
47806 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                       L0432



A fine pair or titties, it's said,                          
'Tis a sign of a girl who's well fed.                       
They'll cause much delight,                                 
In the cold of the night,                                   
When she wakes you by giving you head.                      
                                                            
47807 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



A kindly old lady was Marge;                                
She'd sell all us schoolboys a large                        
Can of Coke for a shilling,                                 
And if you were willing,                                    
Fellate you for no extra charge.                            
                                                            
47808 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a fratboy named Artie,                       
Who always would ask, "Where's the party?"                  
A girl from the South                                       
Said, "It's in my mouth,                                    
And everyone's coming, you smarty!"                         
                                                            
47809 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



Some women go out on a limb                                 
When trying to seduce a "him";                              
But the only tease                                          
That will ever please                                       
Is the sucking of the penile brim.                          
                                                            
47810 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



We wondered why she was so merry;                           
Found out she had just lost her cherry.                     
When someone asked "Where?"                                 
She brushed back her hair,                                  
Then pointed to what uses Jerry.                            
                                                            
47811 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



As Bugs Bunny says: What's up, doc?                         
Those statements are ageist and shock                       
Me through to the bone,                                     
As I'm lying here prone,                                    
While Mamma gums hard at my cock.                           
                                                            
47812 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



That's no chicken dinner, you lout,                         
I know just what it is you're about.                        
But okay, have your fun,                                    
And when you're quite done,                                 
Ensure that your Ma spits it out.                           
                                                            
47813 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



Amnesiac Rosemary Hewdon                                    
At sexual technique was well clued. On                      
Her love of fellation,                                      
Here's her explanation:                                     
My head I'd forget, were't not screwed on.                  
                                                            
47814 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



While watching Jan, I watched her pull                      
My plum, quite engorged, colored purple,                    
And then, with much greed,                                  
She sucked till the seed                                    
Popped out, while her mouth made its slurple.               
                                                            
47815 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Travis Brasell           



"In slurping the sauce of the purple                        
Head plum," teaches Janie, "interpol-                       
Ate knob 'twixt your lips,                                  
Then gulp when it rips,                                     
For nothing says yum like a burp'll."                       
                                                            
47816 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY   Hugh Clary               



Mary was generous, not mean;                                
Some believed her talent obscene.                           
To her a blow job                                           
Was never one knob,                                         
But the whole college football team.                        
                                                            
47817 ORAL - FELL - FEMALE - HAPPY                            



There was an old hooker who blew.                           
What I meant is, she left town.  If you                     
Understood what I said,                                     
To mean she gave head,                                      
Well, I guess there was some of that, too.                  
                                                            
47818 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          John Ciardi              



Miss Milly she had quite a trick,                           
In her mouth she could fit any dick.                        
For she lacked all her teeth,                               
Both up top and beneath,                                    
After drunkenly eating a brick.                             
                                                            
47819 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                                   



A porno promoter, Horatio,                                  
Puts on this unique two-a-day show;                         
There's great cunnilingus,                                  
Dwarves jack off their dingus,                              
And hookers give awesome fellatio.                          
                                                            
47820 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Armand E Singer       719



For those who are somewhat frugal,                          
Try the Irish whore, Maggie O'Dougal.                       
She's not a great fuck,                                     
But for only a buck                                         
She'll blow you like you were a bugle.                      
                                                            
47821 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          MrMalo                   



A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,                       
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,                     
Had achieved some renown                                    
For her tone going down.                                    
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.                    
                                                            
47822 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                                   



There was a young slattern of Cette                         
Who was devilishly fond of a bet.                           
She wagered she'd suck                                      
Twenty cocks for a buck,                                    
And she's cleaning the kitchen up yet!                      
                                                            
47823 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                              G0837



Repairing a weed eater sucks,                               
And so does the plucking of ducks,                          
And so does Miss Tabor                                      
Who cocksucking labor                                       
Just cost me my last two damn bucks!                        
                                                            
47824 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                                   



A well-built young fellow of Stoke                          
Told a whore that he wanted a poke,                         
Fellatio fashion                                            
And gave her a ration                                       
That made her cough, sputter, and choke.                    
                                                            
47825 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Alexander Baron          



A cocksucking whore in Long Prick                           
Said: "Semen gulped straight is too thick.                  
But it gets nice and thin                                   
If you cut it with gin;                                     
A Croatian dwarf taught me that trick."                     
                                                            
47826 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                              G0873



A progressive and young Eskimo                              
Grew tired of his squaw, and so                             
Slipped out of his hut                                      
To look for a slut                                          
Who knew the very fine art of 'Blow'.                       
                                                            
47827 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                              L0400



At confession, the whore in elation,                        
Said she sucked off the head of the nation,                 
And his staff she then blew.                                
Said the priest, "Blow me, too."                            
She blew him and the whole congregation.                    
                                                            
47828 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Albin Chaplin            



There was an old harlot named Hutch;                        
The price that she charged was not much.                    
Yet she knew every action                                   
To give satisfaction,                                       
And was expert on blow jobs and such.                       
                                                            
47829 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Albin Chaplin   3024-0831



A lovely young surfer named Anna                            
Would swallow a fellow's banana,                            
For a nominal fee,                                          
On the beach by the sea,                                    
In her quaint little yellow cabana.                         
                                                            
47830 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Cap'n Bean          P0305



A decrepit old harlot was Grace,                            
And her cunt was a filthy disgrace.                         
But she still made a buck                                   
Whether planned or by luck,                                 
Since she took a good fuck in the face.                     
                                                            
47831 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Albin Chaplin   3024-0819



A labial technique of Miss Wren                             
Appeals greatly to all of the men.                          
She savors that flavor,                                     
But will, as a favor,                                       
Go family style, now and again.                             
                                                            
47832 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Grand Prix Lim  485      



There once was an old slut named Bobbie,                    
Who was blowing a young boy named Robby.                    
When I told her to stop,                                    
His penis she dropped,                                      
"But this is my favorite hobby!"                            
                                                            
47833 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Vince                    



An ambitious young girl of Fort Knox                        
Made her money by working the docks.                        
There she worked without shame                              
By assuming a name --                                       
She was "Fuller" when sucking on cocks.                     
                                                            
47834 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Albin Chaplin   3024-0810



Young Annie was a harlot of skill,                          
Who with men had her way and her will.                      
An old codger said, "Annie,                                 
Come chew my bananie."                                      
It's too bad he was over the hill.                          
                                                            
47835 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Neal Wilgus         P8208



There was a young lady of Fez,                              
Who was known to the public as "Jez".                       
Jezebel was her name,                                       
Sucking cocks was the game                                  
She excelled at (so everyone says).                         
                                                            
47836 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                              G0848



As a whore I outdistance my peers;                          
I have done this for seventeen years.                       
I'm outstanding in bed,                                     
And know how to give head,                                  
So kindly let go of my ears!                                
                                                            
47837 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                                   



Mysteriously smiling, said Mame,                            
When a new whorehouse customer came:                        
"If you'll double the dough,                                
I'll give you a slow blow,                                  
And from then on life won't be the same!"                   
                                                            
47838 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                              G1831



A randy young whore came from Limerick,                     
Who'd play wondrous tricks using any dick.                  
Any orifice would do,                                       
When she fancied a screw,                                   
But most of all she did like to lick.                       
                                                            
47839 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                                   



As Monica fondled his dick,                                 
She seductively moaned "Oh Mick!                            
Just give me the cash,                                      
And quick as a flash,                                       
I'll give it a long loving lick!"                           
                                                            
47840 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Anon                     



I'm the meanest whore you ever did see;                     
I scream as I give head times three.                        
I like it long                                              
As I wear out your dong;                                    
Please get down on one knee.                                
                                                            
47841 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                                   



A pensioner hiring a tart                                   
Said "Get one thing right from the start:                   
I need a good sucking                                       
Before any fucking;                                         
At my age, I need a head start"                             
                                                            
47842 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS                                   



"I'm willing to suck for a trifle,"                         
The hooker said to horny Dick Rifle,                        
Saying, "When I suck cock,                                  
I take the whole stalk,                                     
So I'm never shot with an eyeful."                          
                                                            
47843 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Jon Gearhart             



Said the prostitute, ready to wallow,                       
"There's only one rule that I follow:                       
You can insert your shaft                                   
In holes fore or aft,                                       
But its output I never will swallow."                       
                                                            
47844 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Mike Oz                  



The blow job I paid for was mucked.                         
That C-note I gave was just shucked.                        
I wasted my money                                           
On some little honey                                        
Who blew not at all -- only sucked!                         
                                                            
47845 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Travis Brasell           



The Japanese geisha is taught                               
To first shape her mouth in an ought,                       
Then get in her licks                                       
With slithering tricks                                      
While keeping you lengthily taut.                           
                                                            
47846 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Irving Superior     P9205



A cautious young fellow named Keith                         
After feeling a whore underneath,                           
Said "Your twat's like a ditch!                             
Better suck me, you bitch,                                  
But first you must take out your teeth."                    
                                                            
47847 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Albin Chaplin   3024-0841



The band call her "Whaling Boat Rose,"                      
Because of the life style she chose.                        
Disguised as a sailor,                                      
She boarded a whaler.                                       
Where ever it goes, "Thar she blows!"                       
                                                            
47848 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Pierce Evans             



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
The lady was sucking my cock.                               
When she was through,                                       
I shot her my goo,                                          
And dropped her off the next block.                         
                                                            
47849 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          M Harrell                



With a harlot, a fellow named Steven                        
Made a deal that he'd pay before leavin'.                   
So she fucked the old bloke                                 
But he claimed he was broke,                                
And she sucked on his prick to get even.                    
                                                            
47850 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Albin Chaplin            



A determined old harlot named Gwen                          
Said success comes to those with the yen.                   
If at first you proceed                                     
And you fail to suck seed,                                  
Then by all means you suck, suck again.                     
                                                            
47851 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Albin Chaplin   3024-0823



A young little lady called Lucy                             
Was inventive as ever a floozy.                             
A machine in her nose                                       
Cries out, "Thar she blows!"                                
On oral jobs in the Jacuzzi!                                
                                                            
47852 ORAL - FELL - HOOKERS          Stabbe                   



A young man lay down in bed,                                
Thinking "Christ, I could do with some head".               
Along came a chick                                          
Who bit off his dick,                                       
And now he plays snooker instead.                           
                                                            
47853 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



A sadistic young woman of Spain                             
Said she found oral sex quite a pain.                       
She bit off the tools                                       
Of a dozen poor fools,                                      
Who tried to convert her in vain.                           
                                                            
47854 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Anon                     



There was a young lady named Grace                          
Who took all she could, in her face.                        
But an adequate lad                                         
Gave her all that he had,                                   
And blew tonsils all over the place.                        
                                                            
47855 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                L0401



A playboy who came to New York                              
Coaxed a bunny to kiss his old dork.                        
It rose up so huge                                          
It shot a deluge                                            
Before the poor girl got her fork. (fuck??)                 
(I don't get this one - McW)                                
47856 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                G0888



Once a young and devout holy roller,                        
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.                    
She'd gone down on his cock,                                
That was hard as a rock...                                  
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.              
                                                            
47857 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Bob Birch                



We were sipping on gin and vermouth;                        
Sweetie grabbed at my fountain of youth.                    
She moved down on her prize                                 
But what a surprise,                                        
When I found that she had a chipped tooth!                  
                                                            
47858 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Allen Wolverton          



There lived in French Louisiana                             
A quaint and demented old duenna,                           
Who naively thought                                         
That a penis was wrought                                    
To be chomped like a thick, ripe banana.                    
                                                            
47859 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                L0409



Horace insisted until she complied;                         
Fellatio and a nervous young bride.                         
It was as he was hopin',                                    
Till she cracked it open,                                   
And sucked out the marrow inside.                           
                                                            
47860 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young lady named Nance,                         
Whose lover had St. Vitus dance.                            
When she dove for his prick,                                
He wiggled so quick,                                        
She bit a piece out of his pants.                           
                                                            
47861 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                L1199



Oh bless me dear father, I've sinned;                       
My spouse did inherit the wind.                             
She was giving me head                                      
When I farted in bed,                                       
And instead of "I'm sorry!", I grinned.                     
                                                            
47862 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Frank                    



"My boyfriend's got dandruff," said Golda.                  
"Give him Head and Shoulders," Fay told her.                
Blonde Golda first sighed,                                  
Then puzzled, replied:                                      
"Please tell me how do you give shoulders?"                 
                                                            
47863 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



There was a young lady, quite fearful                       
Of sucking a cock, she was tearful.                         
In a moment of dread,                                       
She just turned her head;                                   
And Boy! Did she get an earful.                             
                                                            
47864 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



A union janitor named Ned                                   
Would tie animals to his bed.                               
"Why," he was asked,                                        
"Does your dick need a cast?"                               
He replied that they don't give good head.                  
                                                            
47865 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Once a young and devout holy roller,                        
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.                    
She'd gone down on his cock,                                
That was hard as a rock...                                  
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.              
                                                            
47866 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



Charlotte, a lass from Biscayne,                            
Was found doubled over in pain.                             
She said she'd been silly                                   
To gobble his willy,                                        
While lying face-up in the rain.                            
                                                            
47867 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Stan                     



The receptionist dove with a whoosh                         
And a fist in Miss Grays tush.                              
Miss Grays a bit grayer,                                    
Since office-boy Sayer,                                     
Came in her face with a goosh!                              
                                                            
47868 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



Goin' down is a skill that I'm sure                         
You know well, so I humbly implore:                         
Please teach your dear wife.                                
She can't blow for her life.                                
Just Yest' her knees were on my floor.                      
                                                            
47869 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



A pretty young fellow called Nicholas;                      
He lived in a manner ridiculous.                            
With a flourish he'd crow                                   
'Bout how well he could blow,                               
But all that he did was to tickle us.                       
                                                            
47870 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.                    
I beg my bitch not to bite.                                 
For she gives me head,                                      
Which I sometimes dread,                                    
I would like to keep my schlong tonight!                    
                                                            
47871 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            KRBM                T9712



I once knew a girl with blue eyes,                          
Who just couldn't satisfy guys.                             
Then a Calvin she met,                                      
Who said, "Girl, don't you fret.                            
You won't gag on my very small size."                       
                                                            
47872 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Pat and Max              



Romantic as ever, our Pete.                                 
With advice that cannot be beat.                            
One thought, though. Beware                                 
If she's no denture wear-                                   
er, she might lacerate your poor meat.                      
                                                            
47873 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Anon                     



There is a new Baron of Wokingham.                          
The girls say he don't care for poking'em.                  
Preferring 'Minette'                                        
Which is pleasant, but yet,                                 
There is one disadvantage -- choking'em.                    
(Minette - fellatio)(Published 1879)                        
47874 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                L0445



There was a girl named Tina                                 
That constantly sucked on my weena.                         
The fuckin' fat slob                                        
Polished my knob,                                           
But my dick don't look any cleena!                          
                                                            
47875 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



"My vibrator's battery's dying!"                            
She told him as she started crying.                         
Though she sucked like a pro,                               
She could not make it grow.                                 
"You bastard, you're not even trying!"                      
                                                            
47876 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Doug from Upland    T9707



The teeny-bopper offered to humm                            
Me but added, "Please say when you come,                    
'Cause I don't want to waste                                
The wintergreen taste,                                      
And I don't want to swallow my gum."                        
                                                            
47877 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            John Miller              



A sisterly pair of old sluts,                               
Would lick left and right on your nuts,                     
Then jam all four nips                                      
Down under your hips                                        
And kiss as they gummed at your putz.                       
                                                            
47878 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            H                        



"You're a dream, you're my sweet cherry picker.             
And you are the world's best licker.                        
Is it seven o'clock?                                        
It's time for Third Rock.                                   
Would you hurry and please pass the clicker?"               
                                                            
47879 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Al Willis                



A cocksucking lady named Koppers                            
Had chewed on some oversize whoppers.                       
When she sampled the whang                                  
Of a fellow named Chang,                                    
The fucking thing stuck in her choppers.                    
                                                            
47880 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Albin Chaplin   3024-0845



There was a lady named Grace,                               
Who fucked faster than rats in a race.                      
As I'd start to sperm,                                      
She'd yell "Phisoderm!"                                     
As I rubbed it all over her face.                           
                                                            
47881 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



His big dick began to twitch;                               
Her rhythm she started to switch.                           
He met with disaster,                                       
When she sucked him faster.                                 
He put the damn car in a ditch!                             
                                                            
47882 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Limberick                



Sir Tiddy of Crapton once claimed,                          
"The Queen should herself be ashamed                        
Of doing bad deeds                                          
With men and with steeds;                                   
Rough tongueing, by Jove, leaves them maimed!"              
                                                            
47883 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Tiddy Ogg                



There's the one about poor Sarah's jaw,                     
Through exertion had just been rubbed raw.                  
Try as she might,                                           
It just stretched too tight,                                
Perhaps trying too hard was her flaw.                       
                                                            
47884 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



A girl's in a state of distress;                            
She's late for a meeting I guess.                           
She'd promised to toss                                      
Off the marketing boss,                                     
Now she's frantically scrubbing her dress.                  
                                                            
47885 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



There once was a chick that I dated,                        
Whose tongue was quite sharp and serrated.                  
She'd give quite a shock                                    
While she's sucking your cock;                              
She'd leave your balls ripped and deflated.                 
                                                            
47886 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Chuck Bancock            



There was an old lady from Boise,                           
Who loved a young fellow called Rosie.                      
But when they were kissing,                                 
Her front tooth went missing,                               
Still playing ring around Rosie's posey.                    
                                                            
47887 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            John Denise              



There once was a man from the beach,                        
Who had a girl he tried to teach.                           
"When I fire my load,                                       
Lick it up like a toad."                                    
But when splattered, she let out a screech.                 
                                                            
47888 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Tomer Shiran             



There once was a girl we called Pat,                        
Who filed all her teeth smooth and flat.                    
She thought it would cure                                   
The scraping for sure,                                      
But most of us still were too fat.                          
                                                            
47889 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            H WHELCHEL               



I once took a slow boat to Ghana,                           
And met with a harlot named Lana.                           
And lads, here's a moral:                                   
Beware of sex oral;                                         
She'd teeth like a hungry piranha.                          
                                                            
47890 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Tiddy Ogg                



This morning while I was out wrangling,                     
Between my legs something was dangling;                     
Then to my dismay,                                          
Just ten feet away,                                         
The darn thing had some ol' gal strangling!                 
                                                            
47891 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Travis Brasell           



Said Chloe, affecting a schism,                             
"I'm seeing as though through a prism.                      
Those groans that I heard                                   
As the world became blurred,                                
Imply that my head's drenched with jism."                   
                                                            
47892 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Buster                   



I heard she would never say no                              
To oral sex.  Just ten bucks a blow.                        
But when down on her knees,                                 
I said, "Oh Baby!  Please!                                  
Please move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"             
                                                            
47893 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                     



My friend's beau lost interest in screwing;                 
He sleeps through all that she's tried doing.               
I said, "He's a schlup!                                     
If he won't wake up,                                        
Then instead of sucking, try chewing!"                      
                                                            
47894 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Evelyn L                 



There was an old whore from Montrose,                       
Whom a man told to suck off his hose.                       
When she started to chew it,                                
He quickly withdrew it,                                     
And gave her a load up the nose.                            
                                                            
47895 ORAL - FELL - INEPT                                G0886



A pervy young fellow named Guy                              
Is cute, but sadly, he's blind.                             
While sucking a dick,                                       
He sneezed real quick,                                      
And blew out both of his eyes.                              
                                                            
47896 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Jim Weaver Collection    



She sighed, "Oh, I haven't a clue                           
If it's blow, blown, or even blew.                          
I'm weak on the grammar                                     
But I'm off to the slammer                                  
For fellatio with a mouthful of glue.                       
                                                            
47897 ORAL - FELL - INEPT            Harry Rubin         P9305



There was an old maid from Luck,                            
Who took it into her head to fuck.                          
She was about to resign                                     
'Till she hung out a sign:                                  
"Come in, I've decided to suck."                            
                                                            
47898 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                              L0410



To evade paternity, Mick                                    
Said, "Anal or oral, you pick.                              
Try sucking my cock                                         
It's like Blackpool rock.                                   
Oh, come on, just give it a lick."                          
                                                            
47899 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Linda Marsh Coll         



A trick I once learned from my Pa                           
Sure worked as 'cure-all' for Ma:                           
When she was so sick,                                       
He'd whip out his dick,                                     
Say, "Open you're mouth and say Ah!"                        
                                                            
47900 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



A prim young fellatrix named Pru,                           
Said, "There's one thing a nice girl won't do.              
You may not touch my rear end,                              
But if my up-here end                                       
Appeals, there's a hole in that too."                       
                                                            
47901 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                              L1650



A sexual wreck was MacDougall;                              
He ceased all relations conjugal.                           
So his wife sadly said,                                     
"Since your pecker is dead,                                 
I'll blow taps on your battered old bugle."                 
                                                            
47902 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin 3024  G0877



A despairing young lady named Plum                          
Called a fellow and said, "I am glum.                       
You don't come when I call."                                
But he said, "Not at all,                                   
If you blow the meat whistle, I'll come."                   
                                                            
47903 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0867



There was an Old Person of Spain,                           
Who hated all trouble and pain;                             
So he sat in a chair                                        
With his feet in the air,                                   
And begged her to do it again.                              
                                                            
47904 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Edwardian Leer 047       



A socialite out on Nantucket,                               
Had a twat that was wide as a bucket.                       
She proclaimed, "If it's clean                              
I will take it between.                                     
If it's rotten, I'd far better suck it."                    
                                                            
47905 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                              L0419



There was an old rounder named Jack,                        
Unable to cream in a crack.                                 
But with a cocksucking hag, or a                            
Boy, he'd Niagara,                                          
Even while flat on his back.                                
                                                            
47906 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                              G0862



A girl that smoked heavy had Chase;                         
Her breath stunk all over the place.                        
But her pussy smelled sweetly                               
So he kissed it discreetly,                                 
And fucked her tobacco-stained face.                        
                                                            
47907 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-2864



Said the CEO wearing a frown,                               
"The computer in my office in town.                         
Went down printing a letter,                                
But I'd like it much better                                 
If the file clerk, Maria went down."                        
                                                            
47908 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



A typist in Kalamazoo,                                      
Who relished an old-fashioned screw,                        
Was aroused by her boss                                     
To coitus in os --                                          
So a blow-job she blatantly blew.                           
                                                            
47909 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Hugh Oliver         A065C



If the hubby has spirits to work off,                       
He may start her out with a jerk-off.                       
If he aims down her throat,                                 
It will her tonsils coat,                                   
And to clean them will soon inspire her cough.              
                                                            
47910 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



While she tries hard to stifle her hiccup,                  
Saying "Long as you still have your dick up,                
If you'll come on my tits,                                  
And attack like the blitz,                                  
Then at least I'll have something to lick up."              
                                                            
47911 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



That turkey sure caused you some trouble;                   
It turned your house into rubble.                           
But who needs a fowl?                                       
My dick's on the prowl;                                     
Come on and give it a gobble.                               
                                                            
47912 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Tiddy Ogg                



With a young girl I once made a deal:                       
For a fiver she would let me feel                           
That hair covered notch                                     
Way up in her crotch,                                       
And while at it I had me a meal.                            
                                                            
47913 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



Just ask any truthful male chum                             
The best way to get him to cum,                             
He'll say without doubt,                                    
"Don't scream, yell, and shout --                           
'Tis best if you not talk, but hum!"                        
                                                            
47914 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



To her date said a lady named Hewitt,                       
"My mother said I mustn't do it.                            
She advised against fucking                                 
But said nothing of sucking --                              
Would you mind if I licked it and blew it?"                 
                                                            
47915 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Albin Chaplin   3024-1867



That fat, idle gossip, Miss Hyatt                           
Has been on the 'Oral Sex Diet;'                            
She hasn't lost weight,                                     
But guys think she's great:                                 
The sucking has kept the bitch quiet!                       
                                                            
47916 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



There was a young ladie from Ayr,                           
Who said to her friend, "I declare                          
That sex is much better                                     
Without a french letter,                                    
But it does make a mess of my hair."                        
                                                            
47917 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young girl with a gob,                          
Frustrated one week on the "blob",                          
The sight of Rick's gristle,                                
Made her weak kneed, and whistle,                           
So she decided to give Rick a blow job.                     
                                                            
47918 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



I like keeping an eye on the clock                          
Whilst wanking my load in a sock.                           
But my darling wife                                         
Could save me this strife,                                  
If only she'd suck on my cock.                              
                                                            
47919 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Anon                     



Many a lass in her belly has got,                           
The seed of young Johnny Lott.                              
No children he'll get,                                      
The dumb little shit,                                       
He came in their mouth, not their twat.                     
                                                            
47920 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Limberick                



Said Ned, "Here's an apple, Miss Vance."                    
"How nice of you, Ned!  There's a chance                    
I'll give you an A."                                        
"An A?  Shit!  No way!                                      
Instead suck this bone in my pants."                        
                                                            
47921 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Travis Brasell           



A Chinese girl by the name of Grace;                        
She used to post lims in this space.                        
She hadn't no tits                                          
And her cunt was the pits,                                  
But I still shot some loads on her face.                    
                                                            
47922 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Hugh Clary               



Was this just a harmless joke?  Please!                     
It's offensive not just to Chinese,                         
But to all women the same.                                  
You give men a bad name.                                    
Thank god they're not all such a sleaze.                    
                                                            
47923 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Edwina Leer              



I screwed young Fu Wong -- Vietcong --                      
Who hated me squirting my schlong                           
Inside of her cunt.                                         
With scoldings quite blunt,                                 
She'd yell, "Come on face, where belong!"                   
                                                            
47924 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Travis Brasell           



A student of mores named Gorms                              
Designed endless questionaire forms                         
To find out the ratio                                       
Of rape to fellatio                                         
In all of the large coed dorms.                             
                                                            
47925 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Armand E Singer       478



A couple named Carmen and Matteo                            
Found their organs were quite incompatio.                   
Said he, with a snicker,                                    
"Since mine is no thicker,                                  
We'll have to resort to fellatio."                          
                                                            
47926 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                              G0882



Alas for poor Clyde Schlutz's missus;                       
She knows not what marital bliss is.                        
It seems she's been slighted --                             
Her love unrequited --                                      
For years he's been sperming her kisses.                    
                                                            
47927 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Martin Wellborn     P8312



The difference between stork and swallow,                   
Leaves one pregnant, the other one hollow.                  
To suck or to spread?                                       
For nine months in bed?                                     
Juxtaposition now must I wallow?                            
                                                            
47928 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD                                   



Yvonne talked from soup to the pav,                         
A breath she did not seem to have.                          
To give my ears rest,                                       
I fondled her breast                                        
And fill up her mouth with my salve.                        
                                                            
47929 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Archie                   



Young Midshipman Hardy went red                             
As the crew used a barrel instead                           
Of a girl for a screw.                                      
"Bosun, May I?"  When you've                                
Had your turn in the barrel," he said.                      
                                                            
47930 ORAL - FELL - INSTEAD          Peter Wilkins            



There was a young Frog from the Saar                        
Who went down on a boy's prick to far.                      
And he near had a spasm                                     
When the sudden orgasm                                      
Inundated his uvular "R".                                   
                                                            
47931 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G0899



When Arthur was homeless and broke,                         
He would suck off his friends for a coke.                   
The suckees would mutter:                                   
"Please bring some drawn butter--                           
We're going to have Artie choke."                           
                                                            
47932 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G2274



A perverted young fellow named Brock                        
Was quite addicted to cock.                                 
He was eating a "peach"                                     
Down by the beach,                                          
Between a hard place and a rock.                            
                                                            
47933 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Wildman            TP9802



A womanish fellow named Wickem                              
Tried to glue his friends gonads with stickum.              
When they failed to adhere                                  
He remarked with a leer,                                    
"If I cannot join 'em, I'll lick 'em."                      
                                                            
47934 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Bob Giandomenico    P9005



There once was a man from Belize,                           
Who loved to get down on his knees.                         
When a big cock he saw,                                     
He would open his jaws,                                     
And his suction was certain to please.                      
                                                            
47935 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                      



There was an old buggar of Como,                            
Who suddenly cried, "Ecce Homo!"                            
He tracked his man down,                                    
To the heart of the town,                                   
And gobbles him off in the duomo.                           
(ecce homo - behold the man, supposedly said by Pilate)     
47936 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Norman Douglas      L0391



"No thanks," he said in his place,                          
"I think that it would go to waste.                         
I've had four rums to drink,                                
And the fifth, I don't think                                
Will help me get rid of the taste."                         
                                                            
47937 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Tom Accousti             



At the urinal old Mr. Byng                                  
Said a fairy was gumming his thing.                         
But the man was a gent                                      
For the guy really meant:                                   
"I have seen the first swallow of Spring!"                  
                                                            
47938 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Albin Chaplin       P9505



Let Spellman no longer detain us,                           
With his flexible glottis-cum-anus.                         
Not behind, you will note,                                  
But in front of his throat,                                 
Where it's far more likely to pain us.                      
                                                            
47939 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G0955



There was a queer fellow named Hollow;                      
In glory one day he did wallow.                             
For he chewed a big pecker,                                 
An enlarged double-decker,                                  
But he found it was too hard to swallow.                    
                                                            
47940 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0827



With Robert, his lover named Cobb,                          
Would nod when engaged in a job.                            
It was wrongfully said                                      
He was bobbing his head,                                    
When he really was heading his Bob.                         
                                                            
47941 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young man named Horatio,                        
With a fondness for ice-creamed fellatio.                   
He dispensed of his favors                                  
In thirty-one flavors,                                      
Including, we might add, pistaychio.                        
                                                            
47942 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                      



There was a young actor named Mallory                       
Who gobbled his boss in the gallery.                        
He said, with some wit,                                     
"I may be a shit,                                           
But look at the size of my salary."                         
                                                            
47943 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G0880



There was a young fellow named Taylor,                      
Who seduced a respectable sailor.                           
When they put him in jail                                   
He worked out the bail                                      
By licking the parts of the jailer.                         
                                                            
47944 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                      



An orderly man named Horatio                                
Would often indulge in fellatio.                            
The bigger the cock,                                        
The longer he'd suck.                                       
It was simply a matter of ratio.                            
                                                            
47945 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Edward Leer              



A linguist at old Balmoral                                  
Lay down one day on his Laurel.                             
He said at the end:                                         
"Better gargle, dear friend,                                
You've just passed your middle French oral."                
                                                            
47946 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G0825



Some like them hunky and young;                             
Some want them heavily hung.                                
But as for me,                                              
I'm pleased as can be                                       
With the touch of a disciplined tongue.                     
                                                            
47947 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A bossy young fag, giving head,                             
Looked up to his lover and said,                            
"I'm veggie, you know.                                      
So stiffen, you ho!                                         
I'll eat meat, but not when it's dead!"                     
                                                            
47948 ORAL - FELL - MALE             H WHELCHEL               



There was a young man named Isaac Cox,                      
Who took as his motto, "I suck cocks."                      
This frank declaration                                      
Brought him such reputation                                 
That he spent twenty years sucking cocks on the docks.      
                                                            
47949 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 L0394



There was a young man of Belgrade                           
Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.                  
I will suck, without charge,                                
Any cock, if it's large.                                    
If it's small, I expect to be paid."                        
(piece of trade - slang for fellator)                       
47950 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G0829



A clever young fellow, Antonio,                             
Offered Sammy, his friend, a pistachio.                     
"Thank you," said Sam,                                      
"But such that I am,                                        
I really prefer fellatio."                                  
                                                            
47951 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A virginal fellow named Pruitt                              
Once asked to be shown how to do it;                        
But it soon became clear                                    
That his mentor was queer,                                  
And the upshot was, poor Pruitt blew it.                    
                                                            
47952 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                      



A daring sea captain, Horatio                               
Grew worried by his ship's ratio                            
Of women to men,                                            
So the next port he was in,                                 
He recruited lads versed in fellatio.                       
                                                            
47953 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                      



There was a young man from Vienner                          
Who would suck anything for a tenner.                       
He proclaimed with some pride,                              
He could swallow the tide,                                  
If 'twere fed through a hose.  What a winner!               
                                                            
47954 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Robert Elliot            



A loquacious cocksucker named Bassett                       
Had mastered his art in each facet.                         
He delighted to rave                                        
Of the pleasure it gave,                                    
But was happiest when he was tacit.                         
                                                            
47955 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G0826



There once was a parson of Pinner,                          
A really disgusting old sinner;                             
He would fuck little boys between breakfast and lunch       
And when they'd recovered, he'd take the whole bunch        
And suck them all off before dinner.                        
                                                            
47956 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Jim Weaver Collection    



A neurotic young fellow named Tatum                         
Found regular sex didn't sate 'em.                          
But wherever he went                                        
He was more than content                                    
When he found some big guy to phallate 'im.                 
(phallate or fellate?? - McW)                               
47957 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 G1062



A homosexual guy named Ambrose                              
Picks up fellow in bars where he goes.                      
They get into a fight                                       
But it turns out all right--                                
They go to the john and trade blows.                        
                                                            
47958 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Jim Menger          P9206



A simple young fellow, a dunce,                             
Cared nothing for titties and cunts.                        
But he knew all the tricks                                  
How to satisfy pricks,                                      
For he managed to blow two at once.                         
                                                            
47959 ORAL - FELL - MALE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0808



For the prick-eating prize of Pinole,                       
This year's winner was Daniel O'Dole.                       
He will tell you with bonhommie.                            
"I call mine 'Metonymy',                                    
Because it's the part for the whole."                       
(metonymy - figure of speech, see trope)                    
47960 ORAL - FELL - MALE                                 L1513



When Titantic hit the iceberg's tip,                        
Tearing into the hull with a rip,                           
The Captain was drunk                                       
With a boy in his bunk;                                     
That's how he "went down" with the ship.                    
                                                            
47961 ORAL - FELL - MALE             MrMalo                   



Chad touched his eyebrow with his tongue;                   
All the women thought he would be fun!                      
Then Dave licked the 'nads                                  
(No, not his own; Chad's!)                                  
Which made the women laugh and run.                         
                                                            
47962 ORAL - FELL - MALE             K M Smith          TP9802



There was a young man from Madrid,                          
Who discovered when only a kid,                             
That by lying supine,                                       
And twisting his spine,                                     
He could suck his own cock--so he did!                      
                                                            
47963 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                 G0879



There once was a man named Horatio,                         
Who once tried auto-fellatio.                               
His cock was too short,                                     
And so just for sport,                                      
He came all over his facio.                                 
                                                            
47964 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Chas H.                  



The flexibleness of Dave Slater                             
Grows day by day, greater and greater;                      
He's nearing his aim                                        
Of undying fame                                             
As Europe's first auto-fellator.                            
                                                            
47965 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



A frustrated boy on vacation                                
Could only cause girls consternation.                       
It seems that his dong                                      
Was excessively long,                                       
So he settled for autofellation.                            
                                                            
47966 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                 G0918



His cock made her yearn for a sip,                          
But before she reached to unzip,                            
She remembered his penchant                                 
For relieving his tension,                                  
With self-sucking, balls resting on lip.                    
                                                            
47967 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Jim Weaver Collection    



Well each to their own, I admit.                            
Self-fellation you like?  So be it.                         
But I cannot agree                                          
For I'd much rather be                                      
Sucking nipples and pussies and clit.                       
                                                            
47968 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



Young Julio Jack from Valencia,                             
Suffered pre-senile dementia;                               
Couldn't decide,                                            
When fellation he tried,                                    
If his dong or his tongue should be lengthier.              
                                                            
47969 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Peter Wilkins            



They'll bury ol' Perce (you just watch!)                    
Six feet in the ground, plus a notch;                       
Then folded in half,                                        
He'll get the last laugh                                    
When he gets his mouth on his crotch!                       
                                                            
47970 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



His cock's rather stiffy today;                             
Perm'nently hard it will stay,                              
'Til some day in future,                                    
The nursey will suture                                      
His lips shut to keep it that way.                          
                                                            
47971 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



A man died with a look of elation;                          
Cause of death made with great consternation.               
Doctor said, "I've predicted                                
Fellatio self inflicted;"                                   
Quite a stretch of the imagination!                         
                                                            
47972 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Tom Patton               



A perverted old president, Dwight                           
Took out his false teeth one June night,                    
Then -- neat little trick --                                
Put them on his dick,                                       
And sucked himself off to delight.                          
                                                            
47973 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Michael Weinstein   P8509



There once was a man named Horatio                          
Who died with a smile on his fatio.                         
The certificate read,                                       
He died in his bed                                          
Of self-inflicted fellatio.                                 
                                                            
47974 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Tom Patton          P9806



A guru, so wise and sagacious,                              
When asked whether lims are salacious,                      
Said (bending to lick                                       
His enormous great dick),                                   
"No - the very idea is fellatious."                         
                                                            
47975 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Peter Wilkins            



Sheik Abdul, the lucky old Persian,                         
Engaged in all sorts of perversion.                         
Did young boys and old men,                                 
Sheep, goats and a hen                                      
And fellated himself for diversion.                         
                                                            
47976 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



I didn't watch where my huskies go;                         
Now I've eaten the bad "yellow snow".                       
And now I can lick                                          
And suck my own dick.                                       
My favorite's full-throat and real slow.                    
                                                            
47977 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Kim and Sam              



I've heard that it is quite nutritious,                     
But I've always been rather suspicious.                     
So I gave it a shot                                         
And came quite a lot.                                       
And the taste, I admit, was delicious.                      
                                                            
47978 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Big Nuts                 



With a bimbo, he thought he'd celebrate,                    
But after, he's still celebate;                             
'Cause his dick, in the moisture,                           
Was quite like an oyster,                                   
So he decided to just self-fellatiate.                      
                                                            
47979 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Mervyn Cripps            



There once was a man namaed Morass,                         
Who used to jack off in a glass.                            
He gave himself head,                                       
And he stopped and he said,                                 
"I guess my hand's in the past!"                            
                                                            
47980 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man, Johnny Case,                         
Who said, "It's an awful disgrace!                          
I tried hard and long                                       
To suck my own dong,                                        
And I shot myself right in the face!"                       
                                                            
47981 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Limericks Naughty & Gay  



While sitting there, twiddling his thumbs,                  
Waiting for his big dick to come,                           
He said, "If my schlonger                                   
Were two inches longer,                                     
I could get myself off with my tongue."                     
                                                            
47982 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Big Boy                  



A ranady old sod name of Perce,                             
At ninety was very perverse;                                
Tried auto-fellating                                        
One day while awaiting                                      
His regular visit from nurse.                               
                                                            
47983 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Peter Wilkins            



Alas he got locked in position,                             
A foot and a half from his mission,                         
Before he could suck it,                                    
He thus kicked the bucket,                                  
Or so say his nurse and physician.                          
                                                            
47984 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Peter Wilkins            



His cock's rather stiffy, today.                            
Permanently hard it will stay.                              
Till some day in the future,                                
The nursey will suture                                      
His lips shut to keep it that way.                          
                                                            
47985 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Ardens                   



The question that everyone's missed                         
Is how, while his pecker was kissed,                        
Did Perce do the trick                                      
Of giving a kick                                            
To the bucket -- bet that took a twist.                     
                                                            
47986 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Archie                   



The best contortionists ever born                           
All try it, and become forlorn;                             
It can't be denied                                          
That it's often been tried,                                 
But no man can blow his own horn!                           
                                                            
47987 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



Another remarkable sheik                                    
Fellated himself twice a week.                              
When offered a camel,                                       
Nasser, Abdul Gamel                                         
Said, "What do you think I'm a freak?"                      
                                                            
47988 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0205



Every time that I've ever been blown,                       
By some bitch on the end of my bone,                        
I think how much trouble                                    
I could save to bend double,                                
And take care of the job on my own.                         
                                                            
47989 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



There once was a fellow named Pete                          
Who liked to suck his own meat.                             
He wanked himself off                                       
Into his own mouth,                                         
Then spat it all out on the sheet.                          
                                                            
47990 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Jim Weaver Collection    



You may find it to be rather sick,                          
That sometimes I suck my own dick.                          
But I swear I'm not gay,                                    
I just like to play                                         
With myself instead of with chicks.                         
                                                            
47991 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



Pity the poor drunken Mick,                                 
In the morning he'll feel so sick.                          
But he shouldn't have tried                                 
With true Irish pride,                                      
To swallow his own Irish prick.                             
                                                            
47992 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Luke Sheppard            



While walking downtown to a flick,                          
Saw a dog who was licking his dick.                         
It's not that I'm gay                                       
In any way,                                                 
But if I could do that, I'd be rich!                        
                                                            
47993 ORAL - FELL - SELF             Jim Weaver Collection    



Lucky for us, it's only the hound;                          
The secret to twisting's been found.                        
If guys learned that trick                                  
And their own balls could lick,                             
We'd have much worse bad breath around.                     
                                                            
47994 ORAL - FELL - SELF                                      



A difficent damsel named Jen                                
Kept claiming she'd no use for men.                         
But quite oddly enough,                                     
She ingested male stuff,                                    
Again and again and again.                                  
                                                            
47995 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Armand E Singer       424



I'm pointing this out for your reference:                   
Though Milady may have her own preference,                  
I'd rather you swallow                                      
Than lie there and wallow                                   
In the loads that you've coaxed from vas deferens.          
                                                            
47996 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



This one Ornithologist named Rollo,                         
Gave me this bit of logic to follow:                        
The bird of sweet love,                                     
Is not the white Dove;                                      
Could there be any doubt?  It's the swallow!                
                                                            
47997 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Garold Amadon            



I once knew this girl really well;                          
She loved to suck dick, I could tell.                       
As she swallowed it down,                                   
On her face was a frown;                                    
She love the taste, not the smell.                          
                                                            
47998 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Oliver Closhoff          



While cuddled up under a blanket,                           
My boyfriend asked me to yank it.                           
I wanted to fuck                                            
So we settled on suck;                                      
And then he popped and I drank it.                          
                                                            
47999 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



A fellow named Joe, in gay mode,                            
Helped Jerry, his friend, shoot a load                      
In his mouth.  He said "Ulp!"                               
But he swallowed it "Gulp!"                                 
Such tasteful compassion Joe showed.                        
                                                            
48000 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Limericks Naughty & Gay  



The truth is that any ol' broad'll                          
Enjoy sucking cock and will dawdle                          
Her mouth on the spunk,                                     
If she's staggerin' drunk,                                  
From a cordial, a posset, and caudle.                       
                                                            
48001 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Travis Brasell           



Like Monica, the girl got too fat,                          
While doing her thing, tit for tat.                         
To avoid excess pounds                                      
While making the rounds,                                    
Don't swallow, it's as simple as that.                      
                                                            
48002 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          John Paulk          P0309



There once was a woman I dated                              
Whose figure was somewhat inflated.                         
In two weeks she'd drunk                                    
Me dry of my spunk,                                         
And rendered me emaciated.                                  
                                                            
48003 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



Poor girl doesn't know what she's missing;                  
To swallow is part of the kissing.                          
Should I spit instead,                                      
When giving good head,                                      
I'd only expect boos and hissing.                           
                                                            
48004 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lass named Jen,                           
Who had to be locked in a pen,                              
No spit, just swallow,                                      
She'd suck a man hollow,                                    
'Cause she loved the taste of her men.                      
                                                            
48005 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



A word to you handsome Apollos:                             
Beware of the lady who swallows                             
Your sperm with a grin                                      
As though it were gin,                                      
For that's nothing compared to what follows!                
                                                            
48006 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Norm Storer              



A hundred and ninety plus ten;                              
Young German girls' figures are thin,                       
Because they have followed                                  
This diet and swallowed                                     
The semen they've sucked from their men.                    
                                                            
48007 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



No wonder my ranch gals are thinner                         
Than rails, since for years this old sinner                 
Has given 'em feed;                                         
They gulp down my seed                                      
For breakfast, for lunch, and for dinner.                   
                                                            
48008 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



There once was a young girl from Wick,                      
Who craved for the taste of a prick.                        
But when she had drunk                                      
Her first mouthful of spunk,                                
It made her exceedingly sick.                               
                                                            
48009 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Anon                     



I can't remember her name;                                  
Her face; they all look the same.                           
But boy could she swallow,                                  
'Til your member was hollow                                 
And your poor groin had pulled up lame.                     
                                                            
48010 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Mike Desso               



A hungry old trollop from Yemen                             
Did a pretty good business with he-men.                     
But she gave up all fucking                                 
In favor of sucking,                                        
For the protein contained in the semen.                     
                                                            
48011 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                              L0800



A pert miss named Mary Contrary,                            
Was attacked by a man on a ferry.                           
When he'd done, he said, "Come                              
On now, swallow my scum!"                                   
"I won't, but I want to," said Mary.                        
                                                            
48012 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                              L0393



Oh, fellatio is my middle name.                             
Try it once, you'll never be the same.                      
In bliss you will wallow,                                   
And, yes, I do swallow,                                     
for to waste it, would be such a shame!                     
                                                            
48013 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



A fellatrix' healthful condition                            
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.                     
Her remarkable diet,                                        
(I suggest that you try it)                                 
Was only her clients' emission.                             
                                                            
48014 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                              L0392



Twin sisters: Awana, Anita,                                 
Never swallow the cream from the meat-ah.                   
One chose to spit                                           
When her mouth filled with it,                              
The other liked hers on a pita.                             
(pita - a type or bread)                                    
48015 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Artie Troll              



An Indian squaw up at Spruce,                               
Was unable to have a papoose.                               
She said to her pater,                                      
When he asked, "What's the matter?"                         
"I can't swallow the foul, slimy juice."                    
                                                            
48016 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                              L0430



A randy old lady named Liz                                  
Found a sailor to give her the biz.                         
While he fingered her hole,                                 
She sucked on his pole,                                     
And playfully swallowed his jizz.                           
                                                            
48017 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



The Singer was terribly shallow;                            
Her once lovely voice sounded fallow.                       
I got so concerned,                                         
But later I learned                                         
Some bugger had taught her to swallow.                      
                                                            
48018 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Frank                    



A horny young woman named Kelly                             
Eats pecker like others eat deli.                           
She's often got                                             
A mouth full of cock,                                       
And loads of semen in her belly.                            
                                                            
48019 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Loretta F          TP9802



These gals would save many a dollar,                        
If mothers would teach them, and holler:                    
"Like tarts from the hills,                                 
You'd save cleaning bills,                                  
If once you've fellated, you'd swaller."                    
                                                            
48020 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



My girlfriend likes singing and strumming;                  
I'd rather her mouth full and humming.                      
She makes me feel good,                                     
Just the way that she should,                               
And only backs off when I'm coming.                         
                                                            
48021 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Doc                      



The difference between the stork and swallow,               
Leaves one pregnant, the other one hollow.                  
To suck or to spread?                                       
Nine months in a bed?                                       
Juxtaposition now must I wallow?                            
                                                            
48022 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          King Hilltop             



While watching Jane, I noticed her pull                     
My plum (quite engorged, colored purple)                    
And then, with such greed,                                  
She sucked till the seed                                    
Popped out, while her mouth made its slurple.               
                                                            
48023 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



It most necessarily follows,                                
Her moist curves and all her hollows,                       
Though exceedingly fine,                                    
At best make her a nine;                                    
A ten is a nine who swallows.                               
                                                            
48024 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Robyn                    



A big appetite has Miss Treadwell.                          
And quite widely known to give head well.                   
In fact she's a demon                                       
For swallowing semen;                                       
Which keeps her remarkably fed well.                        
                                                            
48025 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW          Theo Heller         P9211



My balloon is now fully inflated,                           
And can't wait to be bumped and gyrated.                    
It's likely to burst;                                       
Could well quench your thirst,                              
If correctly erectly fellated.                              
                                                            
48026 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



The Singer was terribly shallow;                            
Her once lovely voice sounded fallow.                       
I got so concerned,                                         
But later I learned                                         
Some bugger had taught her to swallow.                      
                                                            
48027 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



Keep kneeling on ground that is hallowed,                   
While I plow your furrow unfallowed.                        
And then you can have                                       
The seed of ol' Trav,                                       
The which you have evermore swallowed.                      
                                                            
48028 ORAL - FELL - SWALLOW                                   



There's something 'bout breasts SAPONACEOUS                 
That brings out some men's thought salacious;               
But don't be a dope,                                        
From penis, wash soap,                                      
Or you'll discourage act fellatious.                        
                                                            
48029 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Norm Brust               



A guy that I knew name of Ike                               
Once said he would certainly like                           
To pull down the shorts                                     
Of hunky young sports,                                      
And see if they taste much alike.                           
                                                            
48030 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I thought it would be kind of fun                           
To put my dick in a hot dog bun,                            
With mustard and chili,                                     
But that burnt my willy,                                    
And blistered my poor girlfriends tongue!                   
                                                            
48031 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Steve              TP9802



The PSI rate of my gush,                                    
Will clean all your teeth with a rush;                      
Your taste buds will quiver                                 
From my cream filled river;                                 
So come on and blow and, please, hush.                      
                                                            
48032 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



As confection my nectar's complete;                         
No flower on earth can compete.                             
If you'll come and hum,                                     
You can have some                                           
To be savored until you're replete.                         
                                                            
48033 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



A teacher of art did opine                                  
That his taste was exceedingly fine.                        
So, when he arose,                                          
We then came to blows.                                      
His taste was better than mine.                             
                                                            
48034 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I can't quite remember, but Wow!                            
I once kissed a sexy young frau.                            
She sucked me off, then                                     
She kissed me again.                                        
It's all coming back to me now.                             
                                                            
48035 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



The only way that some prudish chick                        
Will admit she enjoys sucking dick,                         
Is to cover your wick                                       
In milk chocolate, real thick,                              
Then she'll suck 'til it's all clean and slick.             
                                                            
48036 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



To Keith said a girl named McLouth,                         
"Be nice to us girls from the south,                        
Or you'll get, my dear Keith,                               
A crack in the teeth."                                      
So he gave her a paste in the mouth.                        
                                                            
48037 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0857



A Harvard professor named Zachary                           
Was sucked off while reading some Thackeray.                
When he started to come,                                    
He dipped it in rum,                                        
And gave her a peach of a daiquiri.                         
                                                            
48038 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There was a young girl of Mauritius,                        
Who said, "No, I'm not really vicious.                      
I get no sexual kick                                        
Out of sucking this prick,                                  
It's just that it tastes so delicious."                     
                                                            
48039 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Victor Gray              



Oh this is so sick it's disgusting,                         
To think the young lady'd be trusting                       
Of a fellow who'd make                                      
Her do a cum take;                                          
Especially with all that damn thrusting!                    
                                                            
48040 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



Au contraire, not a drop must be wasted,                    
When her tonsils are lovingly basted;                       
Though it gush from her lips,                               
Even dribbles or drips                                      
Must be fingertip captured and tasted.                      
                                                            
48041 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Allen Wolverton          



Too bad he could not hold his load;                         
He tried to switch to off mode.                             
He said, "Oops sorry ma'am,                                 
Thats not how I am!"                                        
'Cause down her throat, it did explode!                     
                                                            
48042 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There once was a lad from Haight Street,                    
Whose spunk was all foamy and sweet.                        
He said my name's Aitch;                                    
Care to taste my creme fraiche?                             
And the hippie chicks knelt down to eat.                    
                                                            
48043 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            H WHELCHEL               



My gal, Marylou, with a grin,                               
Got up so to let her folks in.                              
I should have wiped off                                     
With a tissue or cloth,                                     
Those gobs of my goo on her chin!                           
                                                            
48044 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



The theory that it makes a guy hot,                         
I argued the idea as pure rot.                              
Whether swallowed as drink,                                 
Or it's spit down the sink.                                 
He cares not once his wad has been shot.                    
                                                            
48045 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Goin2later               



"Let's try sixty-nine," said McLouth.                       
"I'll face to the north, you the south."                    
So she sucked on his pride,                                 
But the fucking guy lied,                                   
When he said he'd not come in her mouth.                    
                                                            
48046 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0856



Old man Heinz blended spices to taste                       
While inventing his now famous paste.                       
Heinzy added his jizz                                       
To this first batch of his,                                 
Which on girls not too chaste, he would baste!              
                                                            
48047 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There once was a girl named Liz                             
Who did love the taste of jizz.                             
At least once an hour,                                      
A pint she'd devour;                                        
She'd not care if 'twas hers or his.                        
                                                            
48048 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Jim Weaver Collection    



My large candle was hot at the tip,                         
When she blew it, the heat burned her lip.                  
Undaunted by pain,                                          
She tried it again                                          
But this time she tasted hot drip!                          
                                                            
48049 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There was a young lady named Anna,                          
Who sucked on a big green banana.                           
"How sour!" she said,                                       
"It's just like giving head,                                
To a man with his nuts in a spanner."                       
                                                            
48050 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Asscar Wilde        T9711



My gal is a wonderous lass,                                 
She'll lick both my balls and my ass.                       
If I come and it's small,                                   
She will swallow it all --                                  
That girl has some kind of class.                           
                                                            
48051 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Bobby                    



Using dirty words, girls could hope                         
To get their mouth washed out with soap.                    
This old custom's no waste;                                 
You'll get used to the taste                                
And with blowjobs you'd sure learn to cope.                 
                                                            
48052 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Ulla                     



There was a young man named Rick                            
With an ice cream cone tattooed on his prick.               
The young women who knew him                                
All wanted to screw him                                     
And give his ice cream cone a lick.                         
                                                            
48053 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man who came from Caerphilly                        
Had a tryst with a certain young filly,                     
Who said "Ah, now I sees                                    
Whence comes Caerphilly cheese!",                           
As she tasted the end of his willy.                         
                                                            
48054 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Mike Dale                



A young fellow from Adelaide,                               
Had no trouble getting him laid.                            
No thanks to muff diving,                                   
His sex life was thriving.                                  
He taught them sperm taste was lemonade.                    
                                                            
48055 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Robert Elliot            



A deep-throated virgin named Betty,                         
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.                            
She said, "It's tastes nice,                                
Much better than rice,                                      
But not quite as good as spaghetti."                        
                                                            
48056 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



"Hell No!", said the Duchess of Quick,                      
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!                         
It's not that I spurn                                       
A mouthful of sperm,                                        
But the stench of his ass makes me sick!"                   
                                                            
48057 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



When juice of the mango I've drunk,                         
And of pineapple eaten a chunk,                             
I will offer my willy                                       
To the palate of Lily,                                      
'Cause it adds a nice taste to my spunk.                    
                                                            
48058 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There was a young Jewess named Hannah,                      
Who sucked of her lover's banana.                           
She swore that the cream                                    
That shot out in a stream,                                  
Tasted better than Biblical manna.                          
                                                            
48059 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                L0403



His new little bride looked so blue,                        
When he said, "Blow me, I beg you!"                         
"But it leaves a bad taste,                                 
Worse than library paste,                                   
And you never do me when I'm through!"                      
                                                            
48060 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Laurence Craft           



Emily was a good friend;                                    
I enjoyed her right to the end.                             
I really do miss her,                                       
But I'd never kiss her,                                     
Not after where her lips had been.                          
                                                            
48061 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Jim Weaver Collection    



So this is a secret BJ,                                     
And one that prevents tooth decay?                          
Okay, I'll just hum,                                        
When you rush to come,                                      
But your moaning will give you away.                        
                                                            
48062 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



I know a young lady called Rita,                            
Who's truly an expert cock eater.                           
She says she's not keen                                     
On vasectomized cream,                                      
'Cause grapes with seeds are much sweeter.                  
                                                            
48063 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



Of her first sex encounter, Miss Lyme                       
Said, "I had a delirious time!                              
I'd have paid money                                         
To suck all that honey,                                     
But nobody charged me a dime."                              
                                                            
48064 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                G0876



Some ladies may balk at the taste,                          
And spit out your spunk in great haste,                     
But Mary McGuff                                             
Says she can't get enough,                                  
And to spit would be simply a waste.                        
                                                            
48065 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



But others, like Cynthia Baden,                             
Will offer advice to a maiden:                              
"Remember, young women,                                     
If ever you're slimmin',                                    
Those juices with calories are laden."                      
                                                            
48066 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



A virgin who's orally chaste                                
Inquired of ejaculate's taste.                              
Well, the answer's quite tricky,                            
For although it is sticky,                                  
It does not taste like library paste.                       
                                                            
48067 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Bob Birch           P0107



A clergyman's bride, very chaste,                           
Who wanted a child in great haste,                          
Said: "Mother, I grieve,                                    
But I'll never conceive --                                  
I just can't get used to the taste."                        
                                                            
48068 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                G0838



There was an old harlot of Wick,                            
Who was sucking a coal-heavers prick.                       
She said, "I don't mind                                     
The coal dust and grime,                                    
But the smell of your balls makes me sick."                 
(Published 1882)                                            
48069 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                L1069



There was a young lady, and what do you think?              
She said, "I care nought for a prick that don't stink,      
And I think that a fuck                                     
Ain't so good as a suck,                                    
When you've pulled back the foreskin,                       
And uncovered the pink." (Published 1870)                   
48070 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                L0437



Sweet Susie saw Sidney a-slumping                           
On pillow, his penis a-pumping.                             
She cried: "What a waste!                                   
First give me a taste!                                      
Then here's a hot hole for your humping."                   
                                                            
48071 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



When she started applying the torque,                       
To my rigid and pulsating pork,                             
The load that she wrung                                     
Landed smack on her tongue,                                 
Which caused the young lady to bork.                        
                                                            
48072 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Hugh Clary               



A lady well-bred and discreet,                              
Was sucking a fire fighter's meat.                          
It was not for the paste,                                   
But she relished the taste                                  
Of the hickory-smoked sausage treat.                        
                                                            
48073 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Albin Chaplin   3024-2962



"You've found out the meaning of spatulate!"                
Cried Susie.  "I must think to congratulate                 
You.  I'll give a blow                                      
Job.  Myum, myum...Oh no!                                   
You came far too soon and I spatulate."                     
                                                            
48074 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



So come along ladies and savour                             
My salty pork-sausage like flavour.                         
It curls to the right,                                      
And stays up all night;                                     
I hope that this meets with your favour !                   
                                                            
48075 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Jim Weaver Collection    



"I have to be honest, Miss Lemon,                           
When you swallow a load that is brimmin'                    
Your lips," Said old Swanson,                               
As he wiped off his Johnson,                                
"You've a face liked you've sucked a persimmon."            
                                                            
48076 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There once was a girl they called Mandy,                    
And with her mouth she was quite handy.                     
She'd not let me fuck her                                   
But would lick my sucker,                                   
Saying all of my come tasted dandy.                         
                                                            
48077 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Dr Limerick              



There once was a lad with a beat,                           
Whose spunk was all foamy and sweet.                        
He said my name's Tesh,                                     
How about some creme freche?                                
And 'new age' chicks knelt down to eat.                     
                                                            
48078 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            H Welchel                



There once was a gay senorita                               
Who pleasure was munching a peter.                          
She said, "It's much neater,                                
And certainly sweeter,                                      
And aesthetically, somehow, completer!"                     
                                                            
48079 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                G0907



"Oh yes!" shouted Cyril to Sybil,                           
As Sybil gave Cyril a nybil.                                
He jizmed and sighed                                        
As "Ugh-sheesh!" she replied                                
In a sort of a sybilant drybil.                             
                                                            
48080 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



Here's something men shouldn't forgit,                      
And pubic hairs I will not split.                           
Please don't get me wrong:                                  
What comes out your dong,                                   
Quite frankly, guys, it tastes like shit!                   
                                                            
48081 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There once was a fellow named Randy;                        
The women all thought him a dandy.                          
For the end of his schlong,                                 
Which was nine inches long,                                 
Gave semen which tasted like candy.                         
                                                            
48082 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Jorge Rodriguez     T9711



It ain't right, this paying for vice.                       
It means that we're paying them twice.                      
Already we gives 'em                                        
A quart of our gism,                                        
Which some of 'em think tastes real nice.                   
                                                            
48083 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a girl named Beth Berman,                    
Who liked to drink everyone's sperm in.                     
She said, with a pout,                                      
"This tastes like sauerkraut.                               
Are you sure that you aren't a German?"                     
                                                            
48084 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



I guess that your dick taste real sweet,                    
Not at all like smelly old feet,                            
Or crusty with pee,                                         
And always cheese free,                                     
And never like rotton old meat.                             
                                                            
48085 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



There was a young lass of Blackheath,                       
Who frigged an old man with her teeth.                      
She complained that he stunk                                
Not so much from the spunk,                                 
But his arsehole was just underneath.                       
(Published 1870)                                            
48086 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                L0384



There once was a baker named Sherm                          
Who flavored his pastries with sperm.                       
He said, "What's the matter?"                               
As he mixed up his batter,                                  
I still use a spoon to stir'm."                             
                                                            
48087 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



"These video films are disgraceful;                         
No longer artistic and tasteful",                           
Said Kate leaning back                                      
As she fingered her crack,                                  
And demanded I give her a faceful.                          
                                                            
48088 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



Down there, where the Chesapeake Bay                        
And the drained Susquehanna sashay,                         
A chick's not too bloated                                   
If her tonsils are coated                                   
From slurping some warm consomme.                           
                                                            
48089 ORAL - FELL - TASTE                                     



Sorry - I'm afraid there's no hope                          
For me. I'm a foul-mouthed mope.                            
You'll have to get heavy,                                   
And punishment levy,                                        
And wash out my mouth with your rope... I mean soap.        
                                                            
48090 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Jim Weaver Collection    



A well-endowed lady named Janet                             
Rode with me from planet to planet.                         
She swallowed my gism,                                      
Through the whole solar system,                             
And said, "This tastes good!  You should can it."           
                                                            
48091 ORAL - FELL - TASTE            Dr Ricardo               



As soon as she pulls out those dentures,                    
Old Baglady gets all adventurous.                           
While I'm in her gums,                                      
It's this lim' she hums;                                    
They're vocal -- these old hoary wenches.                   
                                                            
48092 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Lightbulb                



To orgies Miss Baglady goes;                                
She's 90 or so (and it shows).                              
So why then do guys                                         
Buzz around her like flies?                                 
Well she's ace with her gums, I suppose.                    
                                                            
48093 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



There was a young fellow named Tucker,                      
Who, instructing a novice cocksucker,                       
Said, "Don't bow out your lips                              
Like an elephant's hips.                                    
The boys like it best when you pucker.                      
                                                            
48094 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                            L0442



A frantic young woman named Crumm,                          
Thought her lover too naive and dumb.                       
She gave him no rest,                                       
'Til he straddled her chest,                                
And then she was all over come.                             
                                                            
48095 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                            G0555



He was giving the girl her first lesson,                    
Hoping head would become her obsession.                     
But he pushed her away,                                     
Saying, "That's not the way!                                
'Blow me' is just an expression."                           
                                                            
48096 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



'Twas a cold night on old Hampstead Heath;                  
Had slack Alice pinned underneath.                          
She laid on my coat...                                      
As I tickled her throat,                                    
Just avoiding those murderous teeth!                        
                                                            
48097 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



If you really like sucking a cock,                          
You'd better not look at the clock.                         
'Cause sucking takes time,                                  
Too quick is a crime,                                       
And better by far than a fock.                              
                                                            
48098 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Raunchy                  



A Frenchwoman for ingratiation,                             
Gave her neighbor a noisy fellation;                        
When asked, "What's this blood                              
That covers my pud?"                                        
She said, "It's my mouths menstruation!"                    
                                                            
48099 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Exposing himself for inspection,                            
"It's like a balloon," snickered Epshon                     
To Susan, aged ten,                                         
"Take hold of this end                                      
And blow in the other direction."                           
                                                            
48100 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Irving Superior     P8705



Miss Manners is so prim and proper,                         
And her etiquette!  No one could top her.                   
Till she gave some advice                                   
About blowjobs and ice,                                     
Which proved a real show-stopper.                           
                                                            
48101 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



The Autumn brings joy to Miss Leaman,                       
For while bobbing for apples, she's dreamin'                
With her mouth agape wide,                                  
And her face wet with pride,                                
Where at wharfside, she's bobbin' for seamen.               
                                                            
48102 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Gibbon the Troubadour    



That I love blowjobs, there's no doubt,                     
But one thing more I desire, 'ere I spout.                  
A shift of the tongue                                       
Staight up my bung,                                         
Always ensures a great gout.                                
                                                            
48103 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Chocolate Kid            



In the farm belt, a hooker named Blum,                      
Who's the favorite floozy of some,                          
Takes her teeth out in bed                                  
To administer head,                                         
Since her rural tricks love it, by gum!                     
                                                            
48104 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



There was a young girl in Berlin                            
Who eked out a living through sin.                          
She didn't mind fucking,                                    
But much preferred sucking,                                 
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.                  
                                                            
48105 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                            L0382



Once a gourmet who loved to be blown                        
Found that women complied with a groan.                     
So he coated his dick                                       
With fudge, nice and thick;                                 
Now they smile and suck cream from his cone!                
                                                            
48106 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



There was a demure connoisseur;                             
Of sucking, a true epicure.                                 
So he wrote up one day                                      
A risque resume                                             
Of methods he thought de rigueur.                           
                                                            
48107 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Oh please take my chicken and pullet                        
Right on down deep into your gullet.                        
A lick and a smack and                                      
Then unwrap your crack and                                  
Then take that there chicken and hullet!                    
                                                            
48108 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Who got blown in a boat on a firth...                       
When she spat it all out,                                   
He cried with a shout,                                      
"Don't waste it! There'll soon be a dearth!"                
                                                            
48109 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        TuttaGioia               



A man of the Warrior Caste,                                 
Had a pecker that just wouldn't last.                       
So his slave girls would nibble,                            
And he wouldn't quibble,                                    
As long as they knew to eat fast.                           
                                                            
48110 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Minx Kelly               



A voluptuous young thing named Anna,                        
To our school, has arrived from Havana;                     
Never noticed her much;                                     
Then my heart she did touch,                                
When I saw how she eats a banana!                           
                                                            
48111 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



She said "Get your ass back in bed!                         
I want it hard, not soft instead."                          
With her mouth she went 'round,                             
Then up and back down.                                      
You know, she gives excellent head!                         
                                                            
48112 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Lovs2Laf                 



Your very first period, dear?                               
Tonight we shall celebrate here                             
As cannibals do;                                            
You may have the first chew                                 
On the gristle of Reverend Gere.                            
                                                            
48113 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Peter Wilkins            



There once was a man from Bel Aire,                         
Who had serious problems with hair.                         
Once it wrapped round his penis                             
And the fellating Venus                                     
Had to pick all her teeth with great care!                  
                                                            
48114 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Kat                 T9711



A singer whose stage name was Snoopy,                       
Was being sucked off by a groupie.                          
She was well-versed in head                                 
For she'd toured with the Dead;                             
It was three hours until he was droopy.                     
                                                            
48115 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Thunderwing              



While receiving some great oral sex,                        
I take sips from a bottle of Becks.                         
While lost in a daze then                                   
I remember the days when                                    
The sex was as good as the Becks.                           
                                                            
48116 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



If I were to give you my eel                                
Would you skin it and peel it and feel?                     
If kept in your "larder"                                    
'Twould surely get harder,                                  
And make for a jolly good meal.                             
                                                            
48117 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



I reckon that spring is a-coming;                           
There're buds, catkins; bees soon are humming.              
And down by the sea                                         
Where the old folks' home be,                               
Old grannies give grandads a-gumming.                       
                                                            
48118 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Tiddy Ogg                



There is a young lecher named Paul                          
Who leches his best in the fall.                            
He likes to have pricks,                                    
Which he savors and licks,                                  
But right now, he's having a ball.                          
                                                            
48119 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Young Darla, while sucking my dick,                         
Complained that her neck had a crick;                       
Her hurting soon stopped                                    
Right after I propped                                       
Her chin with the fork of a stick.                          
                                                            
48120 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Travis Brasell           



'Twas during one sexual bout,                               
She moaned that it kept slipping out.                       
So what did I do?                                           
Applied Superglue                                           
Which left both our genders in doubt.                       
(reference the couple named Kelly...)                       
48121 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        SFA                      



I met that young lady, Miss Hiphoff,                        
And knew that her twat was a tip-off;                       
That she had a bout                                         
With you, and no doubt,                                     
The remnant was just a small rip-off.                       
                                                            
48122 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Travis Brasell           



My dove Marylou's quite a slob --                           
Makes a mess while licking my knob.                         
But I don't dare protest;                                   
It's a nuisance, at best;                                   
Just thoughts while I watch her head bob.                   
                                                            
48123 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



She nodded and broke into song;                             
She sang, like nothing was wrong.                           
In a spectacular manner,                                    
The Star Spangled Banner,                                   
While keeping both lips on his dong.                        
                                                            
48124 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



If you think back to September,                             
The first time I kissed your member,                        
We'd nothing to hide,                                       
In that elevator ride,                                      
The passengers cheered, remember?                           
                                                            
48125 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



Who cares if she's dark-haired or light,                    
Or her quim is sloppy or tight?                             
What gives a man pause                                      
Is the strength of her jaws,                                
And if she's inclined to bite?                              
                                                            
48126 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a nip in the air, love, tonight                     
And if you will turn out the light;                         
Please stoke up my fire,                                    
Arouse my desire,                                           
And then go down for a bite!                                
                                                            
48127 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        CyberCelt           T9710



All day I spent with her, tongue humping;                   
My tongue is now swollen and bumping.                       
When waking this morning,                                   
I needed a horning,                                         
From Carol who kept my dong plumping.                       
                                                            
48128 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



There was a young lass from Vancouver,                      
Who was such a shaker and mover.                            
Some said she was crude;                                    
Some said she was lewd;                                     
When she did all her men like a Hoover.                     
(Hoover vacuum cleaner)                                     
48129 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Larry Cormel             



There was a young fellow named Keith,                       
Who liked to be fondled beneath.                            
It was fun, he decided,                                     
But only provided                                           
The girls used their lips, not their teeth.                 
                                                            
48130 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Isaac Asimov             



There is a young chick in Vancouver,                        
Who was taught to suck cocks like a Hoover.                 
She does it so long,                                        
She deadens your dong,                                      
And when it's all done, you can't screw her.                
                                                            
48131 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Dieter Vancouver         



Jake forewarned Sammy because                               
He said if I give you a buzz,                               
This kind of a kiss'll                                      
Make your dick whistle.                                     
Sam said, "Try it and see if it does."                      
                                                            
48132 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young lady from Troy,                           
Had moustache, just like a young boy.                       
Though it tickled to kiss,                                  
'Twas the source fo much bliss,                             
When she used it to brush a man's toy.                      
                                                            
48133 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



Organ meat is quite rich; that is true;                     
Women thrive on this splendid beef stew;                    
To prevent near-term harm,                                  
I should probably  warn:                                    
Never bite off much more'n you can chew!                    
                                                            
48134 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Allen Wolverton          



A neat-nik, persnickety Mickey                              
Told girlfriends, "I hate getting sticky!                   
I'd prefer, to a fuck,                                      
That you'd CAREFULLY suck,                                  
So I don't get a hickey on dickey.                          
                                                            
48135 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Limrixman          TP9804



'Tain't nary a tooth in Meg's jaws;                         
So, next time I'll stuff 'em with gauze;                    
So, when she bites down                                     
On my purple head's crown,                                  
My loud yelpin' won't give the bitch pause.                 
                                                            
48136 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Travis Brasell           



A girl that just hums till I come                           
Will make the top ten of my chums.                          
But my number one girly                                     
Has got to be Shirley,                                      
She's lost all her teeth, so she gums!                      
                                                            
48137 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



Girls, your pleasure's what counts with these treats;       
You could kiss me; we'd share the warm sweets;              
You could swallow (don't pout!)                             
Or just spit it out,                                        
Please don't spill any on the car seats!                    
                                                            
48138 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Allen Wolverton          



I'm dating a woman named Fricker,                           
Even though she don't let me stick her.                     
She like to do                                              
Something better than screw,                                
She is the quicker dick licker.                             
                                                            
48139 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Mike M             TP9804



At school he went out on a date                             
With "the vacuum" - insatiable Kate.                        
On account of the strength                                  
Of her suction, his length                                  
Has remained in a state of inflate.                         
                                                            
48140 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



My typing assistant, Miss Tease,                            
Screamed, "Typos bring me to my knees!"                     
So, right after lunch,                                      
I made a whole bunch                                        
And said, "Get on down, pretty please!"                     
                                                            
48141 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



She licked and she sucked -- Shiela Green,                  
Her ears, there was nothing between.                        
She said, kind of gruff,                                    
As she swallowed the stuff,                                 
"I'm not Sanguine, only Serene."                            
                                                            
48142 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Big Don                  



There once was a hussy from Brown,                          
With PC diction and frown.                                  
She majored comp lit,                                       
Lectured as she shit,                                       
On the best ways of her going down.                         
                                                            
48143 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Lewis Pavlo              



There once was a chick who sucked cock,                     
Up and down, on both sides of the block.                    
But when giving a kiss,                                     
With a mouthful of piss,                                    
She gave her poor sweetie a shock.                          
                                                            
48144 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Bill had his hand on her head.                          
He looked in her eyes and he said,                          
"I feel like a winner,                                      
And not a real sinner.                                      
Can you sing me a song while you're fed."                   
                                                            
48145 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Jim Weaver Collection    



Rich Nicci's chick, Vicky (a sicky),                        
In the thick of a quicky, waxed tricky.                     
Sick Vicky gave Ricky's                                     
Slick dicky six hickeys,                                    
Quickly flicking licks trickily sticky.                     
                                                            
48146 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Bob Giandomenico         



A twelve-year-old nymphet, Lolita,                          
Was an expert at eating a peter.                            
She demurely would say,                                     
"I shall chew it all day.                                   
I'm a slow but fastidious eater."                           
                                                            
48147 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                            G0872



I'll not forget the gentle breeze,                          
That rustled the leaves on the trees,                       
Or the moonlit glow,                                        
As I gave a blow,                                           
On your dick and two balls small as peas.                   
                                                            
48148 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



Now Carol, your candor's a pearl                            
Of honesty, and for a girl,                                 
It's mighty damn brave --                                   
But why do you rave                                         
About giving head to a squirrel.                            
                                                            
48149 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Travis Brasell           



I witnessed here, Carol's effusion,                         
And feel I must end the confusion;                          
Those balls, small as peas,                                 
Are a foot from your knees,                                 
What you see, is Trav's pure self-delusion.                 
                                                            
48150 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Tiddy Ogg                



My girlie just likes them to squeeze,                       
Those tiny balls above my knees.                            
With my dick 'tween her lips,                               
She then sucks out the drips,                               
'Cause she craves for the taste of sweet peas.              
                                                            
48151 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Dirruk                   



She's a hummingbird, never a swallow,                       
'Cause your seed's on the ground lying fallow.              
Your woodpecker's blue                                      
Though his red head did spew                                
Chicken nuggets that hit Sao Paulo!                         
                                                            
48152 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



She's a hummingbird, never a swallow,                       
'Cause your seed's on the ground lying fallow.              
Your woodpecker's blue,                                     
Though his readhead did spew                                
Chicken nuggets that hit Santo Paulo.                       
                                                            
48153 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        RanDog                   



Sweet Sally, from dear Arkansas,                            
Found that dislocating her jaw                              
Meant that she could handle                                 
All of her lover, Randall,                                  
But still he just stuck in her craw.                        
                                                            
48154 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Marlene Lewis            



A felltrix with a very nice duff,                           
Said of oral sex, "I can't get enough."                     
We won't repeat names,                                      
But she's one of those dames,                               
Who can suck the bumper hitch chrome off.                   
                                                            
48155 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Minders            TP9802



Sweet Sammy, a guy kind of cute,                            
Played a pecker as one might a flute.                       
He scarcely would slow                                      
To swallow the flow,                                        
No matter how much it would shoot.                          
                                                            
48156 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There once was a girl from Savannah,                        
Who was wide as the state of Montana.                       
And ugly as hell,                                           
But for dates, she did well,                                
When they found she could swallow a banana.                 
                                                            
48157 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        MrMalo                   



So we finally hear from the south;                          
I'm surprised you could open your mouth                     
Wide enough to be talkin',                                  
With that big ugly cock in                                  
It, belying your claim to have couth.                       
                                                            
48158 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



She wouldn't drink spunk from my knob.                      
I said then, well I'll do the job.                          
I'll shoot, then we'll kiss.                                
There's nothing amiss.                                      
Thus she learned to savor the gob.                          
                                                            
48159 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



A famous fellatrix named Bess,                              
Refused all requests from the press                         
To explain her renown                                       
As a great goer down--                                      
She was tight-lipped about her success.                     
                                                            
48160 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



Though your cock isn't broken or bent,                      
She will lick but not suck, till you're spent.              
And when questioned, she'll say:                            
"Sorry, dear. Agent's way--                                 
I get that fine top ten percent!"                           
                                                            
48161 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                            G2255



Fat fellating florist, Fran Florgans,                       
Firms phalluses flintlike as gorgons.                       
Though her roses fat Fran knows                             
Fare well on pianos,                                        
Frans tulips fare best on fine organs.                      
                                                            
48162 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Bob Giandomenico    P9206



He sits at his desk so serene.                              
But what's going on can't be seen.                          
Some woman's down there                                     
Right under his chair;                                      
What she's doing is quite obscene.                          
                                                            
48163 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



A comely young lass named Monique,                          
Gave head in a way quite unique.                            
She'd pull back the skin                                    
Before shoving it in,                                       
And work on the wires underneath.                           
                                                            
48164 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                                 



Whenever your woman starts naggin',                         
Go give her a bloody good shaggin';                         
If that doesn't stop her,                                   
Then whang out your chopper,                                
And stuff her big gob 'til she's gaggin'.                   
                                                            
48165 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Peter Wilkins            



Calling oral sex clean or dirtical,                         
Since today, it is incontrovertical.                        
That it's modern and noble                                  
To be upwardly mobile.                                      
And that includes sexually vertical.                        
                                                            
48166 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Conch                    



A toothless old wench named De Roncelles                    
Was acquainted with numerous consuls.                       
They'd come to be gummed,                                   
And she'd gum as they'd come;                               
She really had overworked tonsils.                          
                                                            
48167 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE                            G0897



A buxom young girl whose the best;                          
Her blow jobs can pass every test.                          
She can make a man come                                     
With her lips or her gum,                                   
Or use both with unparalleled zest!                         
                                                            
48168 ORAL - FELL - TECHNIQUE        Stan                     



Ann had a powerful pucker,                                  
So kissing and foreplay would tucker                        
Her out right away,                                         
But that was okay.                                          
She was known as the town's greatest sucker.                
                                                            
48169 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



She first practised with corn on the cob,                   
Before she had tried my huge knob.                          
She gagged and she choked,                                  
Her jaw could be broke,                                     
A bad start for her first time blowjob!                     
                                                            
48170 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



A mint in my mouth comes in handy;                          
A dick will taste just like candy.                          
Makes lots of nice drool,                                   
On a too large tool,                                        
And also tasting quite dandy!                               
                                                            
48171 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Hey Cheri, I'm intrigued by this mint.                      
So much I would come at it's scent.                         
But this can't be enjoyed,                                  
If that mint's an Altoid.                                   
To the bathroom, for cold water I'd sprint!                 
                                                            
48172 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Ah but mints are all Carol's dream,                         
Myself, I prefer some whipped cream.                        
Though it's been awhile                                     
Since I had the style                                       
To top with a cherry to ream.                               
                                                            
48173 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Oh stop it, or you'll make me salute.                       
And I'll strip down to my birthday suit.                    
It'd make, come true my wishes,                             
I'd find you delicious.                                     
Because a Cheri is my favorite fruit.                       
                                                            
48174 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Oh Cheri, I'm laughing within;                              
To sleep with my dad would be sin!                          
But if I slept with you,                                    
I'd squirt heavenly goo!                                    
Then I'd laugh at semen on your chin.                       
                                                            
48175 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



He parked on a dark lover's lane,                           
Just as the moon started to wane.                           
She sighed with delight                                     
"Oh, What a nice night!"                                    
Steam began to cover each pane.                             
                                                            
48176 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



So he then did kiss her sweet lippers,                      
And then he touched her hard nippers.                       
"Do you hear crickets?                                      
Don't stop, please lick it!"                                
"Not crickets, my sweet, those are zippers!"                
                                                            
48177 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I'm always ready for a screw,                               
'Specially when it comes from you.                          
I'll lick it real slow,                                     
Then give it a blow,                                        
And suck it 'til your face turns blue.                      
                                                            
48178 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I could never be blue when with you,                        
No matter what to me you do.                                
So suck all day long                                        
Upon my hard dong;                                          
When you're through and I've blew, then we'll screw.        
                                                            
48179 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



If not blue, then it will be red,                           
When I finish giving you head.                              
Your dick will be limp;                                     
You'll cry and you'll wimp,                                 
And be thankful that you are not dead.                      
                                                            
48180 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



'Twas in high school when I was in band,                    
That I felt the girl next to me's hand.                     
Then the lips of this flautist                              
Wrap my pole at its stoutest,                               
And I blew my wad in the grand stand.                       
                                                            
48181 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Now this continued at each football game;                   
The scenario always the same.                               
She'd get under the blank-                                  
Et, and swallow my crank                                    
And drink every drop when I came.                           
                                                            
48182 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



When we played a game in Pocatello,                         
I let out a terrible bellow;                                
For I found that that flute                                 
Wasn't sucking my lute,                                     
Instead it was some trumpet fellow.                         
                                                            
48183 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



My body she then did fellate;                               
I thought 'twas exceedingly great.                          
Though I promised not to,                                   
I just had to spew                                          
In her mouth, so I could be ate.                            
                                                            
48184 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I should have known something's amiss;                      
After sucking she wanted a kiss.                            
As my mouth opened wide                                     
She deposited inside                                        
The creamy load that was my bliss.                          
                                                            
48185 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



There's nothing like coming real hard,                      
So BJs I highly regard.                                     
Her hot tongue and lip                                      
A-sip on my tip!                                            
The moans and gulps as I bombard!                           
                                                            
48186 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



So what if libations profuse                                
Come oozing, or gush like a sluice?                         
I'd drink me a bucket                                       
To get her to suckit.                                       
It's good for the gander and goose.                         
                                                            
48187 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



She deep throated my member with pleasure,                  
Swallowed every bit of my treasure.                         
She did it with ease,                                       
Down on her knees.                                          
And then vacuumed my nuts for good measure.                 
                                                            
48188 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



A powerful sucker, that lass;                               
All night in her bed trimmed in brass.                      
The next morning I found                                    
When I looked down,                                         
Three feet of bed sheets up my ass!                         
                                                            
48189 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I reached quite a brilliant deduction,                      
When she followed my every instruction.                     
So here's my conclusion                                     
I share with profusion:                                     
There's nothing as fine as good suction.                    
                                                            
48190 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Travis Brasel            



Some times I just can't get a lube;                         
I am honestly not in the mood.                              
So I go to the back room                                    
And get out the vacuum,                                     
And switch on, with his thing down the tube.                
                                                            
48191 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Michelle                 



Do you like to give all the boys Hell?                      
Do you snooze as the vac makes them swell?                  
Do you yawn as they come,                                   
And go hum-tiddy-hum,                                       
Or impatiently shout at them, "Schnell!"                    
                                                            
48192 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Peter Wilkins            



It depends on the guy, of course,                           
Even if he is hung like a horse.                            
If he can't turn me on                                      
Then I tell him "Begone!"                                   
Or the vac is my only recourse.                             
                                                            
48193 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Michelle                 



"The food we consumed," said McGoo,                         
"Determined our health, how we grew."                       
"If we are what we eat,"                                    
Said his girl, Maguerite,                                   
"Tomorrow I'll likely be you."                              
                                                            
48194 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Ed Potts            P8812



When once he was given this clue,                           
He suggested an escapade, new.                              
"If it's truthful, my sweet,                                
That we are what we eat,                                    
Tonight, I would like to be you."                           
                                                            
48195 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Hugh Clary               



The only ache that I've felt                                
Is the one for your choice beaver pelt.                     
I can't get enough                                          
Of that perfect muff;                                       
When I saw it first time, my dick swelt!                    
                                                            
48196 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



But a kiss from your lips will suffice;                     
It's certain to be oh so nice.                              
And after you sooth                                         
[With lips, not with tooth]                                 
I'll give you a bit of advice.                              
                                                            
48197 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



If you kiss your way to the right place,                    
I'll slide deep into that wet space                         
That's betwixt your legs.                                   
Now don't make me begs                                      
Or it might all blow up in your face!                       
                                                            
48198 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



His wife in a coma lay limp.                                
The doctor, a moonlightling pimp,                           
Said "Try oral sex.                                         
The fuctal cortex                                           
Will activate, clearing her crimp."                         
                                                            
48199 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          H Welchel                



The doctor returned a bit later;                            
The wife was as dead as a tater.                            
The man did protest;                                        
I gave it my best.                                          
You didn't say that I'd suffocate her.                      
                                                            
48200 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          H Whelchel               



She wouldn't drink spunk from my knob.                      
I said, "Well then, I'll do the job.                        
I'll shoot, then we'll kiss.                                
There's nothing amiss."                                     
Thus Bev learned to savor the gob.                          
                                                            
48201 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



So men, if you want her to drink,                           
Best teach by example, I think.                             
If you've the cohones,                                      
To quaff your tapones,                                      
You might get a gulp and a wink!                            
                                                            
48202 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Jim Weaver Collection    



I'll tell you about Jennie Frost;                           
With fellows, she kept her legs crossed,                    
But massaged their glands                                   
With mouth and with hands,                                  
And did so at quite a low cost.                             
                                                            
48203 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Tiddy Ogg                



So the rumors I've heard are quite true;                    
Anything you want but a screw.                              
For one single penny,                                       
A blow-job from Jennie                                      
Will relieve your balls, black and blue.                    
                                                            
48204 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Mike Prsnut              



An expert on sex, Reverend Sturgeon,                        
Revealed once to me, without urgin',                        
A lady who'll guy men,                                      
Preserving her hymen,                                       
Is called a professional virgin.                            
                                                            
48205 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Tiddy Ogg                



I see you guys know Jennie too;                             
She left but my balls were still blue.                      
She took but a penny,                                       
That wonderful Jennie,                                      
And gave me a raincheck or two.                             
                                                            
48206 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Dudes Dead               



Home from work, jumped his spouse for to pin her;           
As a lover, this dude was a winner.                         
Had a quick little boff,                                    
Then said, as he rolled off,                                
"That'll hold you babe; now go fix dinner!"                 
                                                            
48207 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Allen Wolverton          



Stated she, as she rolled off the bed,                      
"I think you've been sorely misled.                         
You think I'm your toy,                                     
Well, think again, boy;                                     
And forget the next time you want head."                    
                                                            
48208 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Elizabeth of Tudor Tarts 



So the gulping of goodies she's deigned?                    
In his tool room, he having her chained;                    
And he'll paddle her ass,                                   
While he's dodging her gas;                                 
These hot redheads all need to be trained!                  
                                                            
48209 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Allen Wolverton          



If only you'd swallowed that load                           
That out of my cock did explode,                            
You'd not see old cheese,                                   
Gone green with disease,                                    
Right there on the tip of my choad.                         
                                                            
48210 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



But since that thar cheese is now crusted                   
Up hard and has you quite disgusted,                        
Would you be so good                                        
As to scrub off my wood,                                    
With that which ever after I've lusted?                     
                                                            
48211 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I'd venture that head will do it.                           
Especially if you just can't screw it.                      
Now quit your jawin'                                        
And get started gnawin',                                    
'Fore he bends you over and gets to it!                     
                                                            
48212 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Your cunny won't mind a bit,                                
Compared to the hole where you shit.                        
If on this prize you're sold,                               
And your derierre cornholed,                                
For a week and two days you won't sit.                      
                                                            
48213 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



There once was a woman named Carrie                         
Who sucked off her husband, a fairy.                        
She said with a grin                                        
As she wiped off her chin,                                  
You tasted sweet just like old Larry.                       
                                                            
48214 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Robert Hemmerly          



Her husband, the fairy, was smote                           
Like a sword thrust right through his throat.               
He said, "How could you, dear?                              
Don't you like my gear?"                                    
Carrie said "You just fuck like a goat!"                    
                                                            
48215 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Robert Hemmerly          



When King Hepatitis would shiver,                           
He'd send for his doctor down river;                        
"King Hep," doc would bellow,                               
"You're quite mellow yellow,                                
Delighted I'll be to de-liver."                             
                                                            
48216 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



"Cirrhosis is my firm prognosis,                            
It's eating you from head to toesis!"                       
King Hep then cried, "Doc,                                  
What's eating my cock?"                                     
Said doc, "My prognosis is Rose is!"                        
                                                            
48217 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Travis Brasell           



Gwenn was a first chair instructor;                         
She played violin and I fucked her.                         
Our love, it was hallowed,                                  
'Til I found she'd swallowed                                
The baton of the goddamn conductor.                         
                                                            
48218 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Gail blew me when we were alone.                            
By night she played lead saxophone.                         
She gave both great lip                                     
'Til she let it slip                                        
That she'd rather blow Reed than my bone.                   
                                                            
48219 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Good riddance to them and good-bye!  Hence                  
No musical sluts; blessed silence!                          
From that day 'til now,                                     
I can't tell you how,                                       
Much I deplore sax and violins.                             
                                                            
48220 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I look nothing like Toulouse Lautrec!                       
For my thighs are okay; up to spec.                         
It's perspective my dear,                                   
When you're fondling my spear                               
On your knees, they're foreshortened, by 'eck.              
                                                            
48221 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



Okay then, I won't take offense;                            
I'll say nothing at all in defence,                         
If you publicly say                                         
That my thighs are okay,                                    
And my willy is simply immense!                             
                                                            
48222 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



A whore who lives down in the slums,                        
Will blow you while she sings and hums;                     
The job she will render                                     
Is done with such tender;                                   
There's not one damn tooth in her gums.                     
                                                            
48223 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Allen Wolverton          



I think I'll stay out of the slums;                         
A good country girl beats all those bums.                   
Give me slurping and poking,                                
While giggling and joking;                                  
First cousins can be best of chums.                         
                                                            
48224 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Allen Wolverton          



A young girl from Catalonia                                 
Came down with a case of pneumonia.                         
(This one will zonk ya'.)                                   
Seems all of her bronchia                                   
Were filled with spermatazonia.                             
                                                            
48225 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          MrMalo                   



Sperm in lungs can make breathing fail,                     
A horrible end to her tale;                                 
Next time think twice,                                      
Take Bill C.'s advice:                                      
Swallow but do not inhale!                                  
                                                            
48226 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Kaylin Brandon           



Nob-gobbling with finesse,                                  
But leaving a tell-tale mess?                               
The lesson we learn                                         
From the tattling intern                                    
Is "Don't wipe your mouth on your dress!"                   
                                                            
48227 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Caton Little             



Quite soon on the chair's arms he gripped,                  
As he was professionally lipped.                            
She barely was done                                         
'Fore his meeting at one;                                   
He entered the room still unzipped.                         
                                                            
48228 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



While we all just sat there amazed                          
The boss-man was not even fazed!                            
Seems he did not know                                       
That he was on show                                         
Or where it was that we all gazed.                          
                                                            
48229 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I was unscrupulous way before forty.                        
Grabbed every chance to be naughty.                         
With any hot chick,                                         
Let them play with my dick;                                 
To deny me that right would be haughty.                     
                                                            
48230 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



I will thank you to open your throat                        
And attention to breathing devote,                          
As you milk from my tool                                    
Its steamy white gruel,                                     
To see if your tonsils will float.                          
                                                            
48231 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



At our truck stop, a waitress named Shirley,                
Often knocks off from work a bit early.                     
She slinks off with a trucker                               
(She's a $20 "sucker")                                      
'Cause she likes her men big, bad and burly.                
                                                            
48232 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Jeanie                   



See, Shirley ain't much of a looker,                        
But she makes lots of tips as a hooker.                     
Fifteen days on the road,                                   
And a guy'll dump his load,                                 
In just about any old snooker.                              
                                                            
48233 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Jeanie                   



I will go down in the night                                 
To uncover a beautiful sight;                               
The thing I did miss;                                       
I'll give it a kiss,                                        
And watch it rise up in delight.                            
                                                            
48234 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Carol                    



In the nighttime I felt you upon me,                        
As you lightly placed fingers there on me.                  
And your tongue did its dance                               
Right down on my lance,                                     
Then you hopped on and you 'dusk till dawn'ed me.           
                                                            
48235 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Gearhart                 



I do like to be on the top;                                 
Rocking back and forth, I won't stop,                       
'Til I hear you scream,                                     
As you fill me with cream;                                  
I'll kiss you until your eyes pop!                          
                                                            
48236 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Carol                    



My eyes popped the moment we met;                           
Your beauty enveloped me, pet.                              
I've grown very fonda                                       
My big anaconda                                             
Inside that dark hole, oh so wet...                         
                                                            
48237 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Gearhart                 



Emotions from such news will stir                           
And spin parents' minds in a whirr;                         
But for goodness sake                                       
It's just one mistake:                                      
Cute Mary took Johnny to fur!                               
                                                            
48238 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES                                   



His willie was cold so young Billy                          
Dipped his thing in the chili.                              
Boy, did that smart!                                        
So he went to a tart,                                       
And that filly sucked Bill willy-nilly.                     
                                                            
48239 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Tiddy Ogg                



You see, no grease now had to splatter,                     
'Cause willie was dipped into batter.                       
With all of the seasoning,                                  
The girls lost their reasoning.                             
That willie never reached any platter.                      
                                                            
48240 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Pilar                    



Shame on Billy! The girls he would tease.                   
They were lured there for willie and cheese,                
Served wrapped in a bun?                                    
That's not too much fun!                                    
Over here...pass the condiments please.                     
                                                            
48241 ORAL - FELL - ZSERIES          Pilar                    



In life there are many pitfalls;                            
I'll speak of just one that appalls.                        
I think it unjust                                           
That in moments of lust,                                    
I'm unable to lick my own balls.                            
                                                            
48242 ORAL - KISSING                 Dolphin                  



At the crest of evolution we stand,                         
Yet some things we can't do on demand.                      
We can't tongue our own jewels,                             
But note, we're not fools,                                  
For we've young ladies to give us a hand.                   
                                                            
48243 ORAL - KISSING                 Dolphin                  



Erection; rejection; dejection,                             
Is common enough on reflection.                             
I see my suggestion                                         
Is out of the question;                                     
But how 'bout a kiss of affection?                          
                                                            
48244 ORAL - KISSING                                          



A modest young maiden of Rennes                             
Would have nothing to do with the mennes,                   
But one day at Versailles,                                  
She was kissed on the slailles,                             
Now she goes there agennes and agennes.                     
                                                            
48245 ORAL - KISSING                 A C Cossins              



"Oh dear,"  said the cute little miss,                      
"When I asked you to give me a kiss,                        
You did not ask where,                                      
And not that I care,                                        
But not a square inch did you miss!"                        
                                                            
48246 ORAL - KISSING                 Tom Accousti             



A lad; even one with dull wit,                              
Seeking ways to get girls to submit,                        
Will find finer finesse,                                    
In a tender caress                                          
With his tongue, to a clutch of her tit.                    
                                                            
48247 ORAL - KISSING                 Bob Giandomenico    P0204



Stan gave young Wendy a rush.                               
When kissing, he did more than blush.                       
He filled up her nook                                       
With quarts of hot puke,                                    
And never again kissed her tush.                            
                                                            
48248 ORAL - KISSING                                          



Said a Princess from Saudi Arabia,                          
To a Yankee, "I think that maybe ya                         
Can show me what bliss is,                                  
By showering kisses                                         
On my belly, my thighs, and my labia."                      
                                                            
48249 ORAL - KISSING                 Number Two          P9009



Said Elaine in her will, "I bequeath                        
My glass eye, auburn wig and false teeth,                   
My scented scanties                                         
And my silk panties                                         
To the man who kissed me, underneath!                       
                                                            
48250 ORAL - KISSING                 Thomas M. Patton    P9712



A delectable gal from Augusta                               
Vowed that nobody ever had bussed her.                      
But an expert from France                                   
Took a bilingual chance,                                    
And the mixture of tongues quite nonplused her.             
                                                            
48251 ORAL - KISSING                 Conrad Aiken             



When Flynn kissed a girl, he kissed deep                    
And left her collapsed in a heap.                           
This he learned in Australia                                
By sniffing the dahlia,                                     
And biting the balls off the sheep.                         
                                                            
48252 ORAL - KISSING                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1254



A porn star and former road trucker,                        
Earned a name as a bit of a sucker.                         
With his mouth he'd sent shivers                            
Down boys and girls quivers,                                
That pervy bi-sexual old fucker.                            
                                                            
48253 ORAL - KISSING                                          



At the church sponsored fair in D.C.,                       
Sue was busy as busy can be.                                
For a buck the young Mrs.                                   
Was selling her kisses;                                     
Sam asked what she'd sell him for three.                    
                                                            
48254 ORAL - KISSING                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



There was a young dancer of Ipswich                         
Who tooks most astonishing skips, which                     
So delighted a miss                                         
She said, "Give me a kiss!"                                 
He replied, "On the cheek, or the lips - which?"            
                                                            
48255 ORAL - KISSING                 Linda Marsh Coll         



I knew a young maiden from Ayr;                             
Her lips were so full and so fair.                          
I kissed her one time,                                      
That time was sublime.                                      
But now I'm consumed with despair.                          
                                                            
48256 ORAL - KISSING                 Tutta                    



The Swiss used to act Calvinistically                       
And laid off all sex pietistically,                         
But occasional kissing                                      
Showed them what they were missing                          
And nowadays they hump egotistically.                       
                                                            
48257 ORAL - KISSING                 Armand E Singer       256



He drove his girlfriend to the door,                        
He kissed her goodnight; nothing more!                      
Her dad, looking out                                        
At him started to shout;                                    
The next time you come 'round, you'll get sore!             
                                                            
48258 ORAL - KISSING                 Arthur Pattaffy          



My first love, a young girl named Joy,                      
'Twas when as a ten year old boy,                           
I tried my first kiss                                       
But she made me miss,                                       
For she turned as I tried; she was coy.                     
                                                            
48259 ORAL - KISSING                 Richard Jean             



Then I tried once again later on,                           
When I hoped that her coyness had gone.                     
But my luck was still out,                                  
All her lips did was pout.                                  
She had fallen for my best friend, John.                    
                                                            
48260 ORAL - KISSING                 Richard Jean             



I don't think you should carry on;                          
Whatever you once had is gone.                              
She'll still be your honey                                  
Though, if you have money,                                  
Then you just might be her next john.                       
                                                            
48261 ORAL - KISSING                 Cyber Wizard             



The love of my life is Alyssa;                              
She must be the world's greatest kissa.                     
My tingle does this !                                       
Whenever we kiss.                                           
If she leaves me I'm sure gonna missa.                      
                                                            
48262 ORAL - KISSING                 Topper                   



I'll tell you, I've read quite enough                       
Of all you old lovers, and stuff.                           
You all know it's sweeter                                   
And neater to eat her,                                      
If there is no hair on her muff.                            
                                                            
48263 ORAL - KISSING                 Cyber Wizard             



There was a young man, Jason Vickery,                       
Whose breath was exceedingly liquory.                       
But he still gave his kisses                                
To willing young misses,                                    
By lacing his coffee with chicory.                          
                                                            
48264 ORAL - KISSING                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Indiana's the home of French Lick;                          
It taught us all quite a trick.                             
To wrestle with tongues                                     
Does not sound like fun,                                    
Except to a clit or a dick.                                 
                                                            
48265 ORAL - KISSING                                          



Oh Father, I have a confession!                             
I've opened a kissing concession!                           
The price is one dollar,                                    
And I hope to collar                                        
A man with a likewise obsession!                            
                                                            
48266 ORAL - KISSING                 Ystap                    



A half-breed without any clothes,                           
(She was Eskimo-French I suppose)                           
Taught a new way to kiss,                                   
For the passionate miss                                     
Stuck her tongue wet and warm up my nose.                   
                                                            
48267 ORAL - KISSING                 Don Moore           P9911



There once was a good-looking sister,                       
Who'd a painfully prominent blister.                        
Yet it wasn't so bad,                                       
If only it had                                              
Not occurred right where he had kissed her.                 
                                                            
48268 ORAL - KISSING                 Edwin J Weinstein        



A wonderful fellow was Greer;                               
He was always bursting with cheer.                          
He'd make sexy passes                                       
And pat people's asses                                      
And kiss them goodnight.  That's a dear.                    
                                                            
48269 ORAL - KISSING                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



That was a party not to be missed;                          
With people getting totally pissed.                         
I wish I had've been there,                                 
And had stories to share,                                   
About all of the men that I'd kissed.                       
                                                            
48270 ORAL - KISSING                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A modest young maiden of Rennes                             
Would have nothing to do with the mennes.                   
But one day at Auschwitz,     (But one day at Versailles)   
She was kissed on the titz,   (She was kissed on the thigh,)
Now she goes there agennes and agennes.                     
                                                            
48271 ORAL - KISSING                 Arthur Deex         P0310



There was a bus driver named Peter,                         
Who could not have looked any neater.                       
But his mustache looked funny                               
When he combed it with honey,                               
Thus making his kisses much sweeter.                        
                                                            
48272 ORAL - KISSING                 Mrs. Hager Ruhl          



I've a fetish that's really quite rare --                   
Kissing men who have long curly hair.                       
Whether black, red or fair,                                 
I simply don't care --                                      
What's really important is where.                           
                                                            
48273 ORAL - KISSING                 Sandy Lunoe         P8708



From the train, a young soldier named Jack                  
Said goodbye, as he leaned out to smack                     
The lips of his chick;                                      
But the train took off quick,                               
And he kissed a cow's ass down the track!                   
                                                            
48274 ORAL - KISSING                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2127



I once met a beautiful miss,                                
Who timidly gave me a kiss.                                 
To have a rerun                                             
Can never be done,                                          
But it's sweet to just reminisce.                           
                                                            
48275 ORAL - KISSING                 Reminisce           P9310



"These two gorgeous models just ran in                      
And started to kiss me," said Gannon.                       
They said I was the best                                    
Photo man in the West.                                      
But I said, 'You girls should kiss my Canon.'"              
                                                            
48276 ORAL - KISSING                 Michael Weinstein   P8407



A toast I will offer -- quite terse --                      
Contained in this quaint little verse,                      
"To the plans that I've hatched,                            
And the kisses I've snatched,                               
And yes -- don't forget -- the reverse!"                    
                                                            
48277 ORAL - KISSING                 John Dohner         P8909



A spouse-swapping club warmly extols,                       
Weekly camp-outs for horny new souls;                       
Where they lie 'round the fire,                             
To divest their attire,                                     
And cavort to the hissing of coals.                         
                                                            
48278 ORAL - KISSING                 Bob Giandomenico    P0204



Spring has sprung, but none have ris;                       
For me, wondering where my lover is.                        
He's done a bunk,                                           
That dirty skunk,                                           
Left me unfilled and without a kiss                         
                                                            
48279 ORAL - KISSING                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I dated this woman named Brady.                             
We necked in an orchard quite shady.                        
When she moved her hips,                                    
And said "Kiss my lips."                                    
I thought I kissed the bearded lady.                        
                                                            
48280 ORAL - KISSING                 Goofing                  



A sweet little miss near Fort Bliss                         
Told her GI 'twas sinful to kiss.                           
When the resourceful young rat                              
Asked, "You mean, dear, like that?"                         
She said, "Yes, and like this and like this."               
                                                            
48281 ORAL - KISSING                 George McKeshnie    P9210



An honest young homo named Purvis                           
Admits that some things make him nervous,                   
Such as planting a kiss                                     
On some beautiful miss --                                   
He calls it just paying lip service.                        
                                                            
48282 ORAL - KISSING                 Armand E Singer       869



The lad was so shy that he missed her                       
The first try; the second, he kissed her                    
On the side of the nose,                                    
But, following those,                                       
They kissed till her lips were a blister.                   
                                                            
48283 ORAL - KISSING                 Laurence Perrine    P8405



Not surprising our Johnny was smitten                       
With Mary, she's cute as a kitten.                          
Till he told us last night                                  
How he got the love bite...                                 
And the shocker was where he was bitten!                    
                                                            
48284 ORAL - KISSING                 John Miller              



We searched for the hickey on neck,                         
Nape, chest, and back, and by heck,                         
His skin was a clear                                        
As a rose, till we hear                                     
Him say, you oughta check below deck...                     
                                                            
48285 ORAL - KISSING                 Jeanie                   



A lonely old lady named Blissit                             
Oft dreamed of a love life illicit.                         
To the milkman, she chose                                   
Her affair to expose,                                       
But the best that he did was to kiss it.                    
                                                            
48286 ORAL - KISSING                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0792



A youth with his head in the mist,                          
By a female had never been kissed.                          
Because of this fact,                                       
To himself made a pact;                                     
He's becoming a misogynist.                                 
                                                            
48287 ORAL - KISSING                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Mistress Mary had a man who kissed her.                     
He insisted 'tween visits, he missed her.                   
Then one blistering kiss                                    
Risked the ruin of her bliss --                             
It pissed her when mister kissed sister!                    
                                                            
48288 ORAL - KISSING                 John Miller 0030         



There once was a moron named Moe,                           
Who misunderstood mistletoe.                                
He thought it for luck,                                     
So he carefully stuck                                       
A big sprig in his hip pocket.  Ho!                         
                                                            
48289 ORAL - KISSING                 Stanford Chaparral  P0007



There once was a boy named Nate,                            
Who kissed his girl by the gate.                            
And he found the next day,                                  
In an embarrassing way,                                     
Love is blind, But the neighbors, they ain't!               
                                                            
48290 ORAL - KISSING                 Carol Rodelsturtz   P9202



A lapper of cunts name of Chase                             
When asked by his girl friend to place                      
A kiss on her cheek,                                        
But he said, somewhat meek,                                 
"I can't -- there's no hair on your face."                  
                                                            
48291 ORAL - KISSING                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0799



There was a young lady called Jane,                         
Who fell in love with a Great Dane.                         
He was Dane, not a dog,                                     
Nor a horse or a hog,                                       
But she kissed him again and again.                         
                                                            
48292 ORAL - KISSING                                          



A man with a large tongue that sleek                        
Would hardly be able to speak.                              
If it went down MY throat,                                  
I'm sure I would choke.                                     
This is NOT the dream man I seek.                           
                                                            
48293 ORAL - KISSING                                          



A grisly appearance had Grace                               
With pustules all over the place.                           
She married young Pierre,                                   
Who said, "I don't care                                     
For I will not be kissing her face."                        
                                                            
48294 ORAL - KISSING                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0816



There was a young lady named Chris;                         
On a first date she'd not even kiss.                        
Her boyfriend, perplexed,                                   
Didn't know what came next;                                 
In his life he'd not met such a miss.                       
                                                            
48295 ORAL - KISSING                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Under mistletoe we're 'sposed to kiss,                      
But it's no fun being kissed by your Sis.                   
I'd prefer some dishy Brunette,                             
A Redhead, or better yet,                                   
All five spice girls would be pure bliss.                   
                                                            
48296 ORAL - KISSING                 Jim Weaver Collection    



It's juicy and warmly aglow,                                
Throbbing hard with excitgement below.                      
It's awaiting your touch                                    
Which is almost too much;                                   
Will you please do me and suck on my toe.                   
                                                            
48297 ORAL - KISSING                 Peter Wilkins            



Well goodness!  Well what do you know?                      
A lollipop just like a big toe!                             
I'll give you delight                                       
And suck it all night,                                      
And then there are nine more to go!                         
                                                            
48298 ORAL - KISSING                 Michelle                 



That must have been Bransom, Mizoo,                         
Where the girls are so homely that you                      
Take one home when you leave,                               
To gain a reprieve,                                         
Then you don't have to kiss her adieu.                      
                                                            
48299 ORAL - KISSING                                          



There was a wise priest from Quebec                         
Who said to his flock, "What the heck,                      
Go bugger and screw 'em                                     
But careful just whom,                                      
When doubtful, it's safer to neck!"                         
                                                            
48300 ORAL - KISSING                 Armand E Singer        65



I heard someone calling "Hey Mr.!                           
What did you do to my Sr.?"                                 
"She's a fine looking wench,                                
But she doubted I'm French,                                 
So to prove it I grabbed her and Kr."                       
                                                            
48301 ORAL - KISSING                 Coz                TP9807



Emily will cause men to stare;                              
She's pretty and has golden hair.                           
But she's sort of short,                                    
Makes necking a sport.                                      
To kiss me she stands on a chair.                           
                                                            
48302 ORAL - KISSING                 Frank Fazed              



Alone in our room at the Ritz,                              
We could listen to Chopin or Liszt.                         
Or be waltzing to Strauss                                   
All through the penthouse,                                  
Stopping now and then for a kitz.                           
                                                            
48303 ORAL - KISSING                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A frisky young southpaw from Croyd                          
To his girl said "I'll be quite annoyed                     
If, just as I come,                                         
You don't suck my right thumb...                            
The left will be elsewhere employed."                       
                                                            
48304 ORAL - KISSING                 Martin Guy               



If two different languages, it's                            
A question of calling it quits.                             
But if it could be                                          
Their hormones agree,                                       
The two will be soon swapping spits.                        
                                                            
48305 ORAL - KISSING                 Irving Superior     P9911



"To examine you may take a week,"                           
He said with his tongue in his cheek.                       
First he tested her kisses.                                 
"Oh, what a bliss this is!"                                 
He said with his tongue in her cheek.                       
                                                            
48306 ORAL - KISSING                 Lance Payne         P8305



When I offered my cousin unique                             
Instruction in kissing technique,                           
And swore my instruction                                    
Stopped short of seduction --                               
I spoke with my tongue in her cheek.                        
                                                            
48307 ORAL - KISSING                 Laurence Perrine    P9004



To restaurants, near and far-flung,                         
I went with a girl, sweet and young.                        
Like Singh's onion bahjees,                                 
A kiss from dear Margy's,                                   
A treat to the tip of the tongue.                           
                                                            
48308 ORAL - KISSING                 Tiddy Ogg                



An old maid who'd never been kissed,                        
Decided she'd no longer resist.                             
It might well be divine                                     
And at age ninety-nine,                                     
No chance that comes by should be missed.                   
                                                            
48309 ORAL - KISSING                 Warrick Elrod            



A couple from old Aberystwith,                              
United the organs they kissed with;                         
They enjoyed the sweet sharing,                             
And did nothing more daring,                                
And she said, "You're a right one to tryst with."           
                                                            
48310 ORAL - KISSING                 Stuart Woods             



I wonder who's kissing her now                              
I wonder who's showing her how                              
I wonder if she                                             
Ever tells him of me,  ("Tee hee.")                         
I wonder who's kissing her now.                             
(where is her 'now' located?)                               
48311 ORAL - KISSING                 Bob Birch           P0207



I guess I don't know what I'm missin'                       
With my aversion to ass kissin'.                            
There must exist many                                       
Who'd pucker up plenty;                                     
Among them, though, you won't find this 'un.                
                                                            
48312 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                                    



The First Lady said, "Here's your chance;                   
You can't kiss my two cheeks like in France;                
I've a much better place                                    
Which will keep you in grace.                               
Hold a minute, I'll lower my pants."                        
                                                            
48313 ORAL - KISSING - ASS           Al Chaplin          P2005



With humans my kinship is sparse;                           
Most relationships merely a farce;                          
If you want to meet                                         
My circle complete,                                         
Come on over...here -- kiss my arse.                        
                                                            
48314 ORAL - KISSING - ASS           Gunjan                   



A girl with a sebaceous cyst,                               
Always came when her asshole was kissed.                    
Her lover was gratified                                     
That she was so satisfied,                                  
But regretted the fun that he missed.                       
                                                            
48315 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                               L0395



And when I at last from you pass,                           
Lay me out and assemble the brass.                          
Please announce long and loud,                              
That the whole doggone crowd                                
Is invited to kiss my cold ass.                             
                                                            
48316 ORAL - KISSING - ASS           L E Ott             P0206



A madman who murdered in France                             
Was elected our prexy by chance.                            
When he storms into class,                                  
The cadets suck his ass,                                    
And the faculty shits in its pants.                         
(sounds to me like a military academy - McW)                
48317 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                               G1387



Said a divinity student named Cass,                         
"I should never be fit to say Mass,                         
If I kiss the Pope's toe                                    
And then failed to bestow,                                  
A like sign of respect to his ass."                         
                                                            
48318 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                               G1096



Said the lady in Framingham, Mass.                          
Admiring herself in the glass,                              
"I'm so pretty and sweet;                                   
To know me's a treat;                                       
If I could, I would kiss my own ass!"                       
                                                            
48319 ORAL - KISSING - ASS           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



Dear Mrs., Ms., Miss, Master, Meester,                      
Whatever you are -- Happy Easter!                           
I hope that your habits                                     
Are just like a rabbit's;                                   
If not, kiss my 'young' Dixie keister!                      
                                                            
48320 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                                    



A day without grits?  Damn, I'd miss 'em;                   
It's shameful how you two can diss 'em!                     
To slam Southern food                                       
Has left me quite stewed,                                   
So here is my grits -- come and kiss 'em!                   
                                                            
48321 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                                    



My gal, in a rare pious mood,                               
Shaved her pubes, then had it tattooed.                     
Now, while I'm down south,                                  
Making joy with my mouth,                                   
My nose rubs the ass of St. Jude!                           
                                                            
48322 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                                    



A girl in my high school class                              
Tried everyone else to surpass.                             
To our utter dismay,                                        
She got herpes one day                                      
From kissing each teacher's ass.                            
                                                            
48323 ORAL - KISSING - ASS           Ann Gasser          P8706



A cameraman from Hohokus,                                   
Tried to capture the mayor in focus.                        
It turned out a loss,                                       
For he pictured the boss,                                   
With six aldermen kissing his tokus.                        
                                                            
48324 ORAL - KISSING - ASS                                    



All of India's neighbors are pissing;                       
They're shocked at the point they keep missing.             
They haven't resolved                                       
All the physics involved;                                   
Their own asses goodbye they'll be kissing.                 
                                                            
48325 ORAL - KISSING - ASS           Squeaky            TP9807



To Harry, a lady named Kibbel                               
Remarked, "I'm not prone here to quibble.                   
If you spread my limbs, Harry,                              
You can have a sweet cherry,                                
And your hairy banana I'll nibble."                         
                                                            
48326 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1269



I'm feeling quite frazzled and cooked;                      
It isn't the scene I had booked.                            
I pictured a bed                                            
With you giving head,                                       
And both of us getting well fooked!                         
                                                            
48327 ORAL - MUTUAL                                           



A Catholic couple from Laurel                               
Were told having sex was immoral,                           
If a condom was used;                                       
Feeling shame as accused,                                   
They switched to the anal and oral.                         
                                                            
48328 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Armand E Singer       550



A Frenchman of high pedigree                                
Is Monica's new devotee...                                  
His member he'll flex,                                      
And right before sex,                                       
He'll always say "Bon appitit!"                             
                                                            
48329 ORAL - MUTUAL                  OgniGioia                



There was a young bride, a Canuck,                          
Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.                 
You say that I, maybe,                                      
Can have my first baby --                                   
Let's give up this Frenching, and fuck!"                    
                                                            
48330 ORAL - MUTUAL                                      L0389



She said, " If you really insist..."                        
I did. So she did, and I kissed                             
With hot-blooded lips,                                      
Her rose-budded nips,                                       
As we danced to the beat of her fist.                       
                                                            
48331 ORAL - MUTUAL                                           



There once was a brilliant young poet,                      
Who loved it -- wouldn't you know it?                       
When you'd want to six nine,                                
His penis would pine,                                       
"I just can't," it said; "I can't go it."                   
                                                            
48332 ORAL - MUTUAL                                      L0422



Good ideas can turn into wrecks,                            
As when oldsters try oral sex.                              
Take DARBY AND JOAN:                                        
Both utter a moan                                           
When their dentures made matters complex.                   
                                                            
48333 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Norm                     



The English professor, MacMeech,                            
Was fondling a girl on the beach.                           
She said, "Shall we fuck?"                                  
But he said to her, "Suck --                                
For fuck is a figure of speech."                            
                                                            
48334 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0853



A teacher of note named Miss Laurel,                        
Taught classes in sex that were moral.                      
There were tests through the year                           
Which were written, I hear,                                 
But the final exam, it was oral.                            
                                                            
48335 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0847



A wild bucolic sex kitten,                                  
Whose beau, with her charms, was so smitten,                
He suggested some head,                                     
She smiled shyly and said,                                  
"Are we talking 'bout givin' or gittin'?"                   
                                                            
48336 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P9707



Quoth the sage: "If Mankind can mature,                     
Will sexual perversions grow fewer?                         
Until cunnilinctus                                          
Is almost extinct as--"                                     
"Malady's better than cure!"                                
                                                            
48337 ORAL - MUTUAL                                      G0883



A lady, naive and unknowing,                                
Asked a fellow how long he was going                        
To nibble and lick.                                         
While she fondled his prick.                                
He said until juices start flowing.                         
                                                            
48338 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0893



I once met the wife of Jack Spratt                          
'Cause I heard that she never spat.                         
To keep herself lean,                                       
She'd lick your shaft clean;                                
In return if you first lick her "cat."                      
                                                            
48339 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Lightbulb                



Tamara, that marvelous vixen,                               
Her preference - a nice nine-sixin'.                        
'Tis said that she's abled                                  
Like timepieces fabled,                                     
Takes a thick 'n' and keeps on lickin'.                     
                                                            
48340 ORAL - MUTUAL                                           



There was a young man named Horatio,                        
Who often indulged in fellatio,                             
With both women and guys                                    
Who attracted his eyes,                                     
And no one yet figured the ratio.                           
                                                            
48341 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Chairman Steve           



Said a tall, rangy doxie named Widget,                      
"Some things about sex make me fidget...                    
Like perhaps soixante-neuf                                  
May be wonderful stuff,                                     
But it's 'tres difficile' with a midget!"                   
                                                            
48342 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Grand Prix Lim  277      



I told her my name was Horatio.                             
We went to her place palatial.                              
She quivered and shook                                      
While I munched in her nook,                                
And then she gave me some fellatio.                         
                                                            
48343 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Dave Jersey              



A boy met a girl by the stream,                             
And tongued her and lapped up her cream.                    
When he thrust out his dick,                                
She gave it a lick,                                         
Then he woke up; 'twas only a dream.                        
                                                            
48344 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Actaeon                  



It seems we have an oral fetish;                            
All threads seem to turn to the wettish.                    
With guilt they are fobbin'                                 
And cock and head bobbin',                                  
They really can be most pathetish!                          
                                                            
48345 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Mr Malo                  



A caddy called Tommy the Tough,                             
Had an heiress way out in the rough.                        
He said, "Let's not fuck;                                   
Lets you and me suck."                                      
And buried his head in her muff.                            
                                                            
48346 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Stephen Cordwell         



Sarah's a avid first dater;                                 
She went down on Stan and he ate her.                       
If her first dates you sum,                                 
Then divide them by one,                                    
You can calculate guys she ate later.                       
                                                            
48347 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Lilsil12                 



When my girlfriend slips out of her gown,                   
I'm dejected and tempted to frown.                          
For she gets her kicks                                      
Doing 96;                                                   
Arse to arse and both upside down.                          
                                                            
48348 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Bob Mornington           



In most of that year I'm a fetus;                           
Not old enough to use my new penis.                         
69's a fine year,                                           
But as a position, it's clear,                              
It would take a long time to unseat us.                     
                                                            
48349 ORAL - MUTUAL                                           



"Sixty nine was a bit of a flop,"                           
Said the girl as she moved back on top.                     
"If sex must be kinky,                                      
Let's try some less stinky,                                 
So you won't have a reason to stop."                        
                                                            
48350 ORAL - MUTUAL                  John Miller 0076         



None sweeter than dear young Anita;                         
I greet her with my long hard peter.                        
She sucks on my wurst                                       
Until it has burst,                                         
And then in return, I will eat her.                         
                                                            
48351 ORAL - MUTUAL                                           



At a rather too elegant fete,                               
Where a large group of dykes arrived late,                  
A cunnilingulate whore,                                     
And a queer from Mysore,                                    
Were engaged in a bizarre tete-a-tete.                      
                                                            
48352 ORAL - MUTUAL                                           



Two contortionist queers in Cologne                         
Tried a new way that each could be blown.                   
When their business was done,                               
They agreed it was fun                                      
Till they found that each one sucked his own.               
                                                            
48353 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Albin Chaplin            



You know what I'm trying to imply                           
About a guitarist named Bry.                                
His girl gives him head                                     
'Twixt two slices of bread,                                 
While he has a tuna on rye!                                 
                                                            
48354 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A maid named Lorette from Detroit                           
Kept the men in her life overjoyed!                         
She could sit on their face                                 
Without any disgrace,                                       
While she nibbled their joint unannoyed.                    
                                                            
48355 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Chips               T9710



Replied an old couple named Lovett,                         
"Unnatural sex?  We're above it,                            
But sucking a dingus                                        
Or mere cunnilingus,                                        
If you don't approve, you can shove it."                    
                                                            
48356 ORAL - MUTUAL                  Armand E Singer       981



There once was a sexy young WAF,                            
Who answered her new chief of staff,                        
"Well, sir, If I may,                                       
I'll meet you half way -                                    
Let's try thirty four and a half.                           
                                                            
48357 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



A nurse once replied, with a laugh.                         
"You nerd!" to a doc on the staff,                          
Who'd proposed, with a whine,                               
"If you don't sixty-nine,                                   
I'd accept thirty-four and a half."                         
                                                            
48358 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



There was an old bastard named Grimes,                      
Who bragged of his sexual crimes:                           
One in bed with a whore,                                    
Sixty-nine on the floor--                                   
For a total of seventy times.                               
                                                            
48359 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Albin Chaplin 3024  G0855



69 gives us pleasure galore,                                
Still we know how to better the score                       
To 77,                                                      
Which takes us to heaven,                                   
When we find ourselves getting 8 more.                      
                                                            
48360 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jerry Nordal        P0301



A Frenchman would never decline                             
To offer his thoughts or opine,                             
So I heard raucous laughing                                 
And sheer pornographing,                                    
When I said, "I am now sixty-nine."                         
                                                            
48361 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Al Willis                



We could start off the night, kissing slit.                 
If you like, gently lick on my clit.                        
The whole night could be aces                               
Just riding our faces.                                      
I'll suck yours, you lick mine, till dawn's lit.            
                                                            
48362 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



He looked at her pussy, 'twas saggin',                      
And his poor half-mast dick, it was flaggin'.               
He said, "Let's sixty-nine"                                 
She said, "That would be fine".                             
The next day, both their asses were draggin'.               
                                                            
48363 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



An Asian in bed with his dam                                
Was intent on avoiding a pram.                              
He intoned, "Love of mine,                                  
Let us try sixty-nine."                                     
"How tempting," she cried, "Beef and clam."                 
(beef and clam??)                                           
48364 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Bob Giandomenico    P9409



One zero zero, zero one, zero one;                          
Binary code you are looking upon.                           
This sexual game                                            
Has a number, no name.                                      
Two players, one in and one on.                             
                                                            
48365 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Professor                



The Prof has just fed us a line,                            
On our favorite position -- 69.                             
He's talking about sex,                                     
Not Oct, Dec, or Hex.                                       
I find this position just fine.                             
                                                            
48366 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Bob Hunt                 



There was a young hussy from France,                        
Who loved lots of sex and to dance.                         
"Just fill me with wine,                                    
And we'll do sixty-nine.                                    
Do you breathe through your ears sir, per chance."          
                                                            
48367 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jayne                    



Car-mad Melanie frequently traps                            
Young drivers in the pits -- lucky chaps.                   
Then she makes record time                                  
In position 69,                                             
Coming first after 25 laps.                                 
                                                            
48368 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



On the porch of a dude named Horatio,                       
His girl got a yen for fellatio.                            
As she sucked on his dingus,                                
He tried cunnilingus,                                       
But the cops ran them off of the patio.                     
                                                            
48369 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



A charming jeune fille of Chateauneuf                       
Had a rep for knowing her stuff:                            
She did 'a cheval',                                         
This remarkable gal,                                        
And specialized in soixante-neuf.                           
                                                            
48370 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                          G0839



My dear girl, I say romance is fine,                        
With its gestures that are so sublime:                      
You're not scratching your ass,                             
While you're hugging your lass,                             
And don't fart when you do 69.                              
                                                            
48371 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



So romance you now re-define                                
As a fartless divine 69?                                    
Well; it seems us romantics                                 
Should practice such antics;                                
So, sweetie dear, your place or mine?                       
                                                            
48372 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



The French just love to drink wine,                         
And their thoughts they are free to opine.                  
One woman I met,                                            
Whose name was Colette,                                     
Said, "I just adore sixty-nine."                            
                                                            
48373 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



If my ass was there next to yours,                          
Sixty-nine could be quite a chore;                          
But your ass near my face                                   
Would quicken the pace,                                     
And we'd reach sixty-nine soon for sure.                    
                                                            
48374 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



My Sally, she is so fine                                    
And playful when we entwine.                                
With a hoarse voice she begs:                               
"My dear, spread your legs".                                
And positions for play sixty-nine.                          
                                                            
48375 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



The best method for eating poontang --                      
Have her bound in an upside down hang,                      
With a grip on her gams,                                    
You go digging for clams                                    
While she sucks away on your wang.                          
                                                            
48376 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



Soixante-neuf? That will do just fine.                      
One of the favorite set-ups of mine.                        
I could spend days and nights                               
In those playful lick-fights,                               
Which truly bring pleasure divine,                          
                                                            
48377 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Nik Synytskyy            



A Roman while on his vacation,                              
In Fance, found a new variation:                            
A position for sex,                                         
That's called LXIX,                                         
But it loses a lot in translation.                          
                                                            
48378 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Pierce Evans             



A caddy named Tommy the Tough,                              
Had an heiress way out in the rough.                        
He said, "What a swell fuck!                                
Now let's you and me suck.                                  
Or as you uppercrust say, 'Soixante-neuf'."                 
                                                            
48379 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                          L0439



For Romans, it wasn't complex                               
For bilateral oral-type sex.                                
When they both wanted headers,                              
They resorted to letters,                                   
By having some LXIX.                                        
                                                            
48380 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Hugh Clary               



Said a Roman, of France, "On our spree there,               
We did and saw all we could see there.                      
LXIX was great,                                             
But it doesn't translate.                                   
So I guess that you just had to be there.                   
                                                            
48381 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Pierce Evans             



A musician who went to Beirut                               
Picked up an old whore while enroute.                       
Then he blew like a trumpet                                 
On the cunt of the strumpet,                                
While she played on his cock like a flute.                  
                                                            
48382 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Albin Chaplin   3024-0789



At the Y they are both avid diners                          
And professed crazy wild 69'ers.                            
As she sucks on his dingus,                                 
He'll does cunnilingus,                                     
And for days she must wear panty liners.                    
                                                            
48383 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Lims For Year - 01       



There once was a poetess Sapphic,                           
Who wrote about things pornographic.                        
She would daily entwine                                     
In the old sixty-nine,                                      
And indulge in nefarious traffic.                           
                                                            
48384 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                          G0903



Of the madam, asked pro-golfer Pine,                        
"What's the par for nine whores all in line?"               
She said, "Eighty-five strokes,                             
Plus or minus two pokes."                                   
But he scored for nine holes, sixty-nine.                   
                                                            
48385 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Albin Chaplin   3024-3005



In all of Kraft-Ebbing's odd mix,                           
A dyslexic pair's an odd fix.                               
Every night back to back,                                   
Head to toe in the sack,                                    
They try to perform ninety-six.                             
                                                            
48386 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Bob Giandomenico    P0311



A young Brooklyn couple opine,                              
That oral sex suits them just fine,                         
"When our glands start to surge,                            
Wit' dat old matin' urge,                                   
"We would rather," they said, "nix de sign."                
                                                            
48387 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Bob Giandomenico    P0011



My co-workers did think it funny                            
That I worked for so little money.                          
What they didn't know                                       
The boss liked to blow                                      
Me at lunch, while I licked her cunny.                      
                                                            
48388 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



A destructionist student of art                             
Was courageous, inventive and smart.                        
She discovered this line                                    
Ruins a good sixty-nine:                                    
'Oops, I thought it was only a fart.'                       
                                                            
48389 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Grzegorz Gigol      P0310



There was a young fellow named Pate                         
Who took his girl out on a date.                            
He thought t'would be fine                                  
To try out sixty-nine,                                      
But he could not get past sixty-eight.                      
                                                            
48390 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Albin Chaplin            



Soixante-neuf was a joy with young Mary,                    
After just a small glass of sherry.                         
Delightfully fickle,                                        
She'd tickle my pickle,                                     
While I took a bite of her cherry.                          
                                                            
48391 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Amego               P2006



The priests at the Temple of Isis,                          
Used to offer up amber and spices.                          
Then back of the shrine,                                    
They would play sixty-nine                                  
And other unmentionable vices.                              
                                                            
48392 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                          L0406



I could use a nice big long pull                            
From your special watering hole                             
And just while I lick it                                    
Go down to my spigot,                                       
And quench your thirst, too, until full.                    
                                                            
48393 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



My favorite muff diving time                                
Has reciprocal slurping sublime.                            
That's when sweetheart and me                               
Have three times twenty three --                            
It makes us both feel in our prime.                         
                                                            
48394 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



The positions for sex are a gas                             
And "seventy" is best in its class.                         
It's "sixty-nine," and add one                              
For additional fun;                                         
To watch, caress, and grope ass.                            
                                                            
48395 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There once was this guy from St Rose                        
Whose love-life was so full of woes.                        
He loved sixty-nine                                         
Just all of the time,                                       
But he always got shit on his nose.                         
                                                            
48396 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Rhondapoli               



The first lesson in sex education                           
Is to learn to do good masturbation.                        
Step number two                                             
Is to learn how to screw,                                   
And then comes oral copulation.                             
                                                            
48397 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Thomas G. Keller    P9409



On the eve of her wedding, the bride                        
Was given a marital guide,                                  
Which quickly enthused her,                                 
But also confused her:                                      
"But sixty-nine what?" the girl cried.                      
                                                            
48398 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Norm Storer              



Now Sue, if you're adverse to coition,                      
But if you'll just hold that position,                      
I'll slide underneath                                       
(Now please watch your teeth!)                              
And I'll teach you another tradition.                       
                                                            
48399 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      John Miller              



Her knowledge of English is rough,                          
But Mimi is really hot stuff.                               
I asked her "Do you                                         
Fancy dinner for two?"                                      
She said "Oui, cheri... soixante neuf!                      
                                                            
48400 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



Now please do not hit the roof!                             
We mean well, and that is the truth.                        
We can still fool around,                                   
With passions abound,                                       
We'll indulge in some nice soixante-neuf!!                  
                                                            
48401 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jayne                    



While attempting to *69,                                    
On the telephone, I will remind                             
As much as you pout,                                        
Leaving that star out,                                      
Will not help the orally inclined.                          
                                                            
48402 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Carl-Magnus              



Miss Jones was a teacher so fine --                         
When she put them on the T.V. line,                         
The class woke from their slumber,                          
To learn a new number --                                    
They all learned to do sixty-nine!                          
                                                            
48403 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



A young midget couple named Pfaff,                          
Engage in sex play with a laugh.                            
When lust raises its head,                                  
They lay on the bed,                                        
And perform thirty-four-and-a-half.                         
                                                            
48404 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                          G0893



While Ericka sucks on my peter,                             
I lie 'twixt her thighs and I eat her;                      
Together we climb                                           
To the height of sublime                                    
Throbbing orgasm; what could be sweeter?                    
                                                            
48405 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



Met a guy, cute but quite dumb;                             
I said, "Want to 69 some?"                                  
He said, "I've no time                                      
For a whole 69;                                             
We could 68, and I'll owe you one!"                         
                                                            
48406 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Steve              TP9802



Analysis proves it just fine;                               
The French way of love is divine.                           
To add to the fun,                                          
Try seventy one;                                            
Sixty nine plus two more and some wine.                     
                                                            
48407 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Jim Weaver Collection    



This epideictic little Miss                                 
Who I could so pruriently kiss                              
Cunnilingually.                                             
Her reciprocity,                                            
Fellation!  Oh Heavens!  What bliss!                        
                                                            
48408 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL      Duke Killon              



A waitress who works at the Stein,                          
Will sing if you buy her some wine.                         
Any number she'll do,                                       
That you ask her to,                                        
But her favorite is still sixty-nine.                       
                                                            
48409 ORAL - MUTUAL - NUMERICAL                               



As she sucked on Pete's peter, Pam said,                    
"It's the big squirt of come that I dread.                  
That thick baby goo                                         
Tastes a lot like cheap glue--                              
I'd prefer it vanilla instead."                             
                                                            
48410 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                             G0900



As he sniffed at her snatch, Peter said:                    
"Woman, something down there sure smells dead.              
Perhaps I seem hasty,                                       
But I doubt if it's tasty,                                  
So I'll settle for fucking, instead!"                       
                                                            
48411 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                             G0901



After we've finished our dinner,                            
I'm bound to come up a winner,                              
For I'll lift up your skirt                                 
And begin my dessert.                                       
(But the Pope would call me a sinner!)                      
                                                            
48412 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Bob Mornington           



And while you're munching down there,                       
Just let me lick your eclaiar.                              
Dainty am I                                                 
Eating, oh my!                                              
I'll not spill a drop, this I swear.                        
                                                            
48413 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Arden                    



While getting a blowjob from Belle,                         
I noticed a horrible smell;                                 
I opened my eyes,                                           
And to my surprise,                                         
My nose was an inch from her tail.                          
                                                            
48414 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Travis Brasell           



Her asshole was crusted with shit;                          
Her hygiene I could not stand a bit.                        
The rest of the night                                       
I held my nose tight                                        
And licked the green cheese off her clit.                   
                                                            
48415 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Travis Brasell           



"Sweet Debbie, no more I implore                            
A snorkel I'm needing for sure."                            
"Just as long as you tease                                  
And continue to please                                      
Me, by using your tongue even more."                        
                                                            
48416 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



Reluctantly letting me go                                   
She said, "Hurry; my pussy's aglow."                        
(Least she's taken the hint                                 
Of my tongue in a splint                                    
And my gasping for oxygen so.)                              
                                                            
48417 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



In fact (for a change) I'm relieved                         
To escape but I fear I've deceived.                         
My boss told me, "Go                                        
Back up north." (I said, "No",                              
But my reasons are never believed.)                         
                                                            
48418 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



"But boss?" I said (stopping mid-suck                       
Thursday morning), "I fear that I'm stuck                   
With my face in Deb's muff."                                
But he told me to stuff                                     
It and pick up the company truck.                           
                                                            
48419 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



So off for a week on my own,                                
Leaving Debbie to diddle alone.                             
I shall rest my poor tongue                                 
(Though I wouldn't mind a young                             
Horny chambermaid using my bone).                           
                                                            
48420 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



The chances of that though, this week                       
Will be thousands to one, so to speak;                      
For as usual my boss                                        
Has insisted I doss                                         
In a bedroom exceedingly bleak.                             
                                                            
48421 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



A fine cardboard box (so he said)                           
With a piece of old mat for a bed,                          
And a spade I can use                                       
For the digging of loos,                                    
And for food half a loaf of stale bread.                    
                                                            
48422 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



"Oh wow!  Thanks a bunch!" I replied,                       
While I thought of him naked and tied                       
To a rack like a wretch                                     
With his limbs all a-stretch,                               
And a poker (red-hot) up inside.                            
                                                            
48423 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



Then suddenly...a brilliant thought!                        
I said, "Boss would you please be a sport                   
And see Debbie is muffed                                    
While I'm gone?"  Was he chuffed?                           
Is a leprechaun Irish and short?                            
                                                            
48424 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



He'll never stand up to the pace;                           
He'll be gasping for air with his face                      
Full of hot hairy muff,                                     
And by Sunday he'll suff-                                   
Ocate slowly (with luck) in that place.                     
                                                            
48425 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



And meanwhile, a snorkel I'll get                           
(For young Debbie is really a pet).                         
Then I'll give her what for                                 
When I've rested my jaw,                                    
And I've taken my tongue to the vet.                        
                                                            
48426 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



I was always told to never be late,                         
For diner, 'cause no one would wait.                        
And I still obey                                            
To this day,                                                
Especially if I can lick the plate.                         
                                                            
48427 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



What a delicious table you set,                             
And all I can eat. (don't forget.)                          
This girl is starving,                                      
Let me start carving,                                       
My 'appetite' you've got all wet.                           
                                                            
48428 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



We don't need any silverware,                               
Just fingers and tongues for this fare.                     
No need to be neat,                                         
While licking your meat,                                    
Or you to nibble my 'pair.'                                 
                                                            
48429 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



For dessert, I've brought a surprise.                       
But you'll have to close your eyes.                         
Unless you're too stuffed,                                  
And had enough,                                             
Save some room, is what I'd advise.                         
                                                            
48430 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



It sounds so disheartening, Dear,                           
To hear that you're counting.  It's clear                   
You're up for a treat,                                      
And I think we should meet.                                 
You'll only count orgasms here.                             
                                                            
48431 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



I'll cater to you're every desire                           
And continually add fuel to your fire.                      
All through the night                                       
I'll do everything right,                                   
As passionate heat I inspire.                               
                                                            
48432 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



I promise your interest will rise                           
As I kiss the insides of your thighs                        
Gently, exploring,                                          
I'll keep things not boring;                                
No counting, just moaning and sighs.                        
                                                            
48433 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES                                  



There's not enough good can be said,                        
On giving and getting good head.                            
Then speak not a peep,                                      
Drift straight off to sleep,                                
To wake up alone in the bed.                                
                                                            
48434 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Goin2later               



I see from the stuff you have writ,                         
That you still have all of your wit.                        
But if you just dream                                       
About sucking cream,                                        
When waking, why gargle and spit?                           
                                                            
48435 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Travis Brasell           



This morning, my mouth has the taste                        
That my tongue has been used as a baste,                    
For a bottle of rum,                                        
A bucket of come,                                           
And some hair in the seminal paste.                         
                                                            
48436 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Goin2later               



Though a tongue on your tonsils you seek,                   
I'm afraid that my stomach is weak.                         
Till you've rinsed with Lavoris,                            
I'll tweak your clitoris,                                   
And give you a peck on the cheek.                           
                                                            
48437 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Scott                    



Here's something men shouldn't forget,                      
And pubic hairs I'll not start to split.                    
Please don't get me wrong,                                  
But what comes from your dong,                              
Quite frankly guys, it tastes like shit.                    
                                                            
48438 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Allen Wolverton          



Hang on just a minute there, pard,                          
This one has left me a might jarred.                        
If you're sucking on it,                                    
And its tasting like shit,                                  
Then you must be sucking too hard.                          
                                                            
48439 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         MrMalo                   



All you girls can go sneer if you wish;                     
Use the source, dears, and not some cold dish;              
We'll lick back to be kind,                                 
And we fellows don't mind                                   
If your twats have the fragrance of fish!                   
                                                            
48440 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Goin2later               



I'm not sure how long I have known it,                      
But it needs some good licks, 'fore you bone it.            
And one sure way to tell                                    
That you're doing it well,                                  
Is your face will look like a glazed donut.                 
                                                            
48441 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Scott                    



First I will start by puttin'                               
My tongue deep in for a good 'un.                           
And as I now eat                                            
That perfect male treat,                                    
My pole will become stiff and wooden.                       
                                                            
48442 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Gearhart                 



Hop on and put in overtime                                  
On this here thick log of mine.                             
It's yours for the taking;                                  
Just look how I'm shaking                                   
And throbbing for you, how devine.                          
                                                            
48443 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Gearhart                 



Most glamour belongs to the young.                          
For some, Spring has long ago sprung.                       
But that's not to say,                                      
That I wouldn't play.                                       
Just how good are you with your tongue?                     
                                                            
48444 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Frank Spectra            



I have a talented tongue,                                   
Although I am not really young.                             
No one has complained                                       
Or ever refrained                                           
From singing my praises among.                              
                                                            
48445 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Ardens                   



This lion is roaring today                                  
For lack of a Carol buffet.                                 
That Chesapeake hottie                                      
Will beam me up, Scotty,                                    
And cause my libido to stray.                               
                                                            
48446 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Randog                   



How 'bout that...to me there's an ode!                      
And just when I thought things had slowed,                  
Right down to a crawl.                                      
It seems, after all,                                        
That someone here wnats to get blowed.                      
                                                            
48447 ORAL - MUTUAL - SERIES         Carol                    



Phone sex?  What's with all of the fuss?                    
Why should I pay for someone to cuss                        
For three bucks a minute?                                   
There's not much sin in it,                                 
And the spunk's just a bit of a muss.                       
                                                            
48448 ORAL - VERBAL                  Artie Troll              



While fishing, I learned something cool;                    
Fish speak like they're from Liverpool.                     
Their British accent                                        
Is no accident;                                             
They're taught how to speak in their school.                
                                                            
48449 ORAL - VERBAL                  Travis Brasell           



When he suffered a bit of bad luck,                         
He didn't just mutter "Oh, shuck!"                          
But "God damn it to hell!"                                  
And "Those bastards!" as well,                              
And "Shit" and "Christ Jesus" and "Fuck!"                   
                                                            
48450 ORAL - VERBAL                  Lance Payne         P8705



Last Saturday night Mrs. Lizst                              
Lost two-hundred bucks playing whist.                       
The blue streak that she swore                              
Woke the priest up next door,                               
And he added some fine points she missed.                   
                                                            
48451 ORAL - VERBAL                  Michael Weinstein   P9511



There was a young boy named Dewitt,                         
When angered, would always say 'Shit!'                      
Said his mother, "You dope!                                 
I guess you like soap!"                                     
And used up the last little bit.                            
                                                            
48452 ORAL - VERBAL                  S. A. Latham             



Young women sure like that "ear candy",                     
'Cause they think it comes in real handy,                   
When in a love setting                                      
Of kissing and petting,                                     
With any old Tom, Dick, or Randy!                           
                                                            
48453 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



Teachers hate ebonics, you know.                            
Little Sally said "Me da 'ho".                              
Her teacher took fright                                     
And said, "That's not right!                                
You must learn to say 'Idaho'."                             
                                                            
48454 ORAL - VERBAL                  Mark                     



To be tactful is good and discreet;                         
For most people, such is a treat.                           
But it's sad to say,                                        
I was not made that way.                                    
I only open my mouth to change feet.                        
                                                            
48455 ORAL - VERBAL                  Tony Burrell             



My foot sprang to my mouth just today.                      
One might think I'd feel natural this way.                  
With my neighbor I stood.                                   
Retraction?  No good.                                       
Once it's in, there's the devil to pay.                     
                                                            
48456 ORAL - VERBAL                  Tony Burrell             



An impatient young fellow named Slatter                     
Was disturbed by his lady friend's chatter.                 
He said, "Gabbing's a crime;                                
I believe it is time                                        
That we got to the root of the matter.'                     
                                                            
48457 ORAL - VERBAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0334



There was a young man named Carruthers                      
Who sucked off the cocks of his brothers.                   
He cuntsucked just dozens                                   
Of sister and cousins,                                      
And knocked up both his grandmothers!                       
                                                            
48458 ORAL - VERBAL                                      G0834



A clerk in a Building Society                               
Behaved with extreme impropiety.                            
He made interest-free loans,                                
And his manager's moans                                     
Comprised words of the gravest impiety.                     
                                                            
48459 ORAL - VERBAL                  X. Rowland Burnham  P8512



A man who can talk while in action                          
Is surely a major attraction.                               
It's a rare thing indeed                                    
To find one that succeeds.                                  
Are you guaranteeing satisfaction?                          
                                                            
48460 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



Satisfy?  On my act you can bank!                           
If I fail, my firm buns you can spank!                      
Would you like references                                   
Of experiences                                              
That belong to this bloody ol' Yank?                        
                                                            
48461 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



The language they speak in Detroit                          
Is Ebonic and most maladroit.                               
You may say I'm a snob,                                     
But the speech from that mob                                
Makes my British-bred ears really 'hoit'!                   
                                                            
48462 ORAL - VERBAL                  Ed Randolph              



"When I travel to Boston," Ms. Whipple                      
Remarked, "My enjoyment is triple                           
If I can get scrod."                                        
"Yes," her friend said, "it's odd,                          
Though, your using the past participle."                    
                                                            
48463 ORAL - VERBAL                  A. N. Wilkins       P8711



What you said is all Greek to me;                           
You've left here a pile of debris;                          
It's all convoluted                                         
And should be disputed,                                     
And furthermore...I don't agree!                            
                                                            
48464 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



M'lord told her ladyship, "Nay.                             
I have not indeed spoken today.                             
However my dear,                                            
I shall speak -- never fear --                              
When I find I have something to say.                        
                                                            
48465 ORAL - VERBAL                  A. N. Wilkins       P8605



A fractious old person named Laurel,                        
Whose temper disposed him to quarrel,                       
Was most impolite                                           
When he knew he was right                                   
And his language, when wrong, was immoral.                  
                                                            
48466 ORAL - VERBAL                  Mark Wainwright          



Never pass up a chance to shut up;                          
Your audience will drink from your cup.                     
When you pull them up short,                                
With an edited report,                                      
They'll wonder to what you are up!                          
                                                            
48467 ORAL - VERBAL                  Ystap                    



A professor emeritus Lloyd,                                 
New methods of teaching deployed.                           
He taught students obscenities                              
And other amenities,                                        
So they all knew the words to avoid.                        
                                                            
48468 ORAL - VERBAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2165



A lisping shoe salesman was wise                            
To keep his flaw in disguise.                               
He'd the bad luck to say                                    
To a lady one day,                                          
"Thit down while I look up your thize."                     
                                                            
48469 ORAL - VERBAL                  Macsam                   



Most instead of, "I said" say, "I go"                       
And for emphasis screech, "Hey" and "Whoa."                 
I say, "Let's have a chat."                                 
And "Whereabouts at?"                                       
It's "Like" we've lost our English, "You know."             
                                                            
48470 ORAL - VERBAL                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9612



"You must toot your own horn, you can't duck it, Kid!       
Feed 'em crap, till it has to be bucketed!"                 
So by boasting all morn,                                    
Do I 'toot my own horn'?                                    
Or is that what the man from Nantucket did?                 
                                                            
48471 ORAL - VERBAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



While working one day in the poolyard,                      
With a friend whom I've known since the schoolyard,         
I corrected his grammar,                                    
When I borrowed his hammer,                                 
He said, "Pal, this ain't fucking Julliard."                
                                                            
48472 ORAL - VERBAL                  Raging Bull              



Though now I can speak very well,                           
I once used to stammer like hell.                           
So, I went on the stage;                                    
The play, THE FRONT PAGE,                                   
And now not a soul can t-t-tell.                            
                                                            
48473 ORAL - VERBAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



TV ads is what this is about.                               
If only we could tune them out.                             
In the middle of dramas                                     
They show PMS traumas,                                      
And why do car dealers all SHOUT?                           
                                                            
48474 ORAL - VERBAL                  Tom Patton          P9611



Our history (quaint) has its moral:                         
When given a chance any whore'll                            
Write history (living)                                      
(Pretending forgiving                                       
Her dear hubby's history (oral))                            
                                                            
48475 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



A husband whose history's rotten                            
With oral fixation on twatten,                              
May by his wife be,                                         
(Just take it from me!),                                    
Forgiven but never forgotten!                               
                                                            
48476 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



A queer in the depths of Eurasia                            
With a talent for paronomasia,                              
Said, "Be Pericle's consort,                                
The fuck-on-and-on sort;                                    
You'll get rich--you will find you're Aspasia."             
(paronomasia - incorrect naming of objects)                 
48477 ORAL - VERBAL                                      G2328



A phone slut named Birkenhahler,                            
Loves to scream and to holler.                              
For ten cents a minute,                                     
She'll tell you you're in it,                               
But you have to be the fifth caller.                        
                                                            
48478 ORAL - VERBAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Although this may sound somewhat terse,                     
But there's truth to be found in reverse.                   
Men tag along plodding,                                     
Say yes dear and nodding,                                   
With their jewels tucked down deep in our purse.            
                                                            
48479 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



There once was a man of verbosity,                          
Who loved words with a savage ferocity.                     
Waxing profound,                                            
He fell to the ground,                                      
Knocked out by his own pomposity.                           
                                                            
48480 ORAL - VERBAL                  Lovely Angel             



The nasty put-downs are an art;                             
They're pointed and sharp at the start.                     
They jab and they thrust --                                 
The object is crushed                                       
On phrases blunt, from a tongue tart.                       
                                                            
48481 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



I once had a friend from Secaucus;                          
His lifestyle, he said, was quite raucous.                  
What he said was fantastic,                                 
And enthusiastic;                                           
It's clear he just said it to shock us.                     
                                                            
48482 ORAL - VERBAL                                           



Though he claimed that his speech was Castilian,            
To mere mortals it seemed strange and alien.                
For he never was heard                                      
To utter a word                                             
Which was not at least sesquipedalian.                      
                                                            
48483 ORAL - VERBAL                  A. N. Wilkins       P9308



Thally, the cop, caught me thpeeding;                       
The limit I sure wasn't heeding.                            
My thpeech wasn't clear                                     
As my lithp is severe.                                      
I thpent a whole hour just pleading.                        
                                                            
48484 ORAL - VERBAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The wife of an old man named Royce                          
Was struck with the loss of her voice.                      
Divine help he did seek                                     
For one day of each week,                                   
And the rest of the week, he'd rejoice.                     
                                                            
48485 ORAL - VERBAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2460



The wife of a fellow named Chape,                           
Could talk the rear end off an ape.                         
Once he tried to record it,                                 
But could not afford it;                                    
It cost him too much for the tape.                          
                                                            
48486 ORAL - VERBAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2492



An old party pooper named Ted,                              
When bored felt like going to bed.                          
He'd cease all amenities                                    
And shout such obscenities,                                 
That most of his guests simply fled.                        
                                                            
48487 ORAL - VERBAL                  Armand E Singer       261



A small boy who lived in Iquique                            
Had a voice irritatingly squeeky;                           
When his father said, "Oil it,                              
My son, or you'll spoil it,"                                
His retort was a trifle too cheeky.                         
                                                            
48488 ORAL - VERBAL                  Linda Marsh Coll         



In Australia I asked Mr. Tyson                              
If ever he had seen a bison.                                
Philologically                                              
He smiled, "Cawn't you see,                                 
It's a bison that I wash my fice in."                       
                                                            
48489 ORAL - VERBAL                  Al Chaplin          P8608



There was a young girl from Penn State                      
Who stuttered when out on a date.                           
By the time she cried, "S-s-s-stop!"                        
Or called for a "C-c-c-cop,"                                
It was often a wee bit too late.                            
                                                            
48490 ORAL - VERBAL                  VOL 11                   



A stuttering fellow we knew,                                
Got mad when we'd tease him, it's true.                     
We'd all laugh like hell                                    
Every time that he'd yell,                                  
"Fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh fuck you!"                             
                                                            
48491 ORAL - VERBAL                  Wiley                    



It's not nice to tease someone who                          
Can't succinctly  yell back at you.                         
In the words of Mark Twain                                  
Or was it Mickey Spillane,                                  
"Uh uh uh up your Kazoo!"                                   
                                                            
48492 ORAL - VERBAL                  S C Saint                



His stuttering problem was grim                             
And was always embarrassing him.                            
When they asked him his name,                               
He replied with some shame,                                 
"My name's J-J-J-J-J-J-Jim."                                
                                                            
48493 ORAL - VERBAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old person of Ely                              
Who spoke to his wife in Swahili;                           
For as she could speak                                      
Only English and Greek,                                     
He could use it to swear at her freely.                     
                                                            
48494 ORAL - VERBAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Oooh, Darling! Talk dirty to me,                            
If you want, with my charms, to make free.                  
And I'll come fifty times,                                  
But you won't ring my chimes                                
If you're mum; 'stead of coming, I'll pee.                  
                                                            
48495 ORAL - VERBAL                  Robin K. Willoughby P8710



Don't humor the whims of Miss Stone,                        
For as sure as you're hard as a bone                        
And are all set in bed,                                     
She will get up, instead,                                   
And talk a whole hour on the phone!                         
                                                            
48496 ORAL - VERBAL                  Grand Prix Lim  438      



There once was a lawyer named Murray,                       
Who said to his client, "Don't worry.                       
Just open your mouth                                        
And I'll get you out.                                       
You'll just have to blow the whole jury.                    
                                                            
48497 ORAL - VERBAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow named Herman                        
Who was a contrary old German.                              
If you said things were fine,                               
He would answer "Ach, nein!"                                
And list the things wrong with the sermon.                  
                                                            
48498 ORAL - VERBAL                  Warrick Elrod            



"You're the wrong one to gripe and to moan;                 
As a time waster, I'm not alone.                            
In spring and in fall,                                      
Any season at all,                                          
You web-surf and tie up the phone."                         
                                                            
48499 ORAL - VERBAL                  Woontner                 



A spinster who lived all alone                              
Would never stray far from the phone.                       
She longed for a call                                       
That would then lift her pall,                              
Or touch an errogenous zone.                                
                                                            
48500 ORAL - VERBAL                  Macsam                   



Said an obscene debater with a smile,                       
I haven't been here for a while.                            
I've missed the tongue slashings,                           
The trashings and bashings,                                 
And all of the verbiage most vile.                          
                                                            
48501 ORAL - VERBAL                  Writerman                



She said she would like to be weighed.                      
And I said, "Why's that, pretty maid?"                      
"I wov you a wot,                                           
And I know what you've got,                                 
And that's why I want to be waid."                          
                                                            
48502 ORAL - VERBAL                  Al Willis           P9611



With no swear word could Mom ever cope;                     
Even, "Jesus", if said by the Pope.                         
I grew up always fearing,                                   
Were they said in my hearing,                               
She might wash my ears out with soap.                       
                                                            
48503 ORAL - VERBAL                  Loren Fitzhugh           



Said the boss to his man, "I admit                          
That obedience from vassals is fit.                         
But it's somewhat absurd                                    
To be straining at turd,                                    
Every time that I chance to say Shit."                      
                                                            
48504 ORAL - VERBAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1920



"I loathe and detest," muttered Zachaary,                   
As he sipped on his strawberry dacquiri,                    
"These cocktail affairs,                                    
With their absence of chairs,                               
And their yackety-yackety-yackery."                         
                                                            
48505 ORAL - VERBAL                  Ystap                    



A hirsute bass drummer named Ponch,                         
In a gross exhibition of raunch,                            
Aimed his love-rocket                                       
At a young girl's love pocket,                              
But aborted before he could launch.                         
                                                            
48506 ORGASMS                        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young Georgian named Lynd,                      
Who'd never in all his life sinned.                         
For whenever he'd start,                                    
He'd be jarred by a fart,                                   
And his semen was gone with the wind.                       
                                                            
48507 ORGASMS                                            L0714



There was a young student named Howells,                    
Shot his sperm over a young coeds bowels.                   
Said he, "I regret,                                         
That I've made you so wet;                                  
And I fear I am quite out of towels."                       
                                                            
48508 ORGASMS                                                 



Said Mrs. Smith sadly, "J'accuse                            
Mr. Smith of what does not amuse.                           
He will start things all right                              
Any time of the night,                                      
But almost at once blows his fuse."                         
                                                            
48509 ORGASMS                        Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow of Reading,                        
Who grew so aroused at his wedding,                         
At the sight of his bride,                                  
When he got her inside,                                     
He creamed all over the bedding.                            
                                                            
48510 ORGASMS                                            G2498



There was a young maid of Altoona,                          
Who said to an ardent young spooner,                        
"It is simply no use,                                       
Put me down, turn me loose.                                 
Though I come pretty soon, you come sooner."                
                                                            
48511 ORGASMS                        Isaac Asimov             



A reckless young lady of France,                            
Had no qualms about taking a chance.                        
But she thought it was crude                                
To be screwed in the nude,                                  
She always went home with damp pants.                       
                                                            
48512 ORGASMS                                                 



There was a young man from St. Paul                         
Who went to a fancy dress ball.                             
He went off in his pants                                    
In the midst of a dance,                                    
And had to go home in a shawl.                              
                                                            
48513 ORGASMS                                            G2200



All foreign affairs have to cease.                          
US has sufficient disease.                                  
And going abroad                                            
For getting abroad                                          
Will orgasms (US) decrease.                                 
                                                            
48514 ORGASMS                        Irving Superior     P9407



A very sad maiden, Miss Dewey,                              
After being deflowered by Louis,                            
Felt chagrined and dejected,                                
For what he ejected,                                        
Had made her new panties all gooey.                         
                                                            
48515 ORGASMS                                            G1600



An irate young damsel of Delhi,                             
Exclaimed as come flowed on her belly,                      
"Damn you spouting cock, Sikhi,                             
That goo's not just sticky,                                 
Its horribly messy and smelly."                             
                                                            
48516 ORGASMS                                            G1648



An impetuous duellist named Schocked                        
Wouldn't stand for his skill being mocked.                  
When taunted one day,                                       
He entered the fray,                                        
And regretfully went off half-cocked.                       
                                                            
48517 ORGASMS                        Jim Weaver Collecion     



The Establishment views with dismay,                        
The permissiveness rampant today.                           
Who will want an orgasm,                                    
When everyone has 'em.                                      
They're making our pleasures passe.                         
                                                            
48518 ORGASMS                        Pierce Evans             



There was a young pair from Uganda,                         
Who were having a fuck on the veranda.                      
The drip from their fucks                                   
Fed forty-two ducks,                                        
Three geese, and a fucking big gander.                      
                                                            
48519 ORGASMS                                            L0799



This man had a girl named Jane Bennett,                     
And was starved to get his dick in it.                      
Being away for a year,                                      
Just seeing her nude rear,                                  
He shot off for over a minute!                              
                                                            
48520 ORGASMS                        Laurence Craft           



Her pubic hair Pam pats with pride,                         
Though it's gummed up with semen that's dried.              
Her lover, young Ewing,                                     
Get nervous when screwing,                                  
And goes off before he's inside.                            
                                                            
48521 ORGASMS                                            G0722



The speed of Ed's seed is unclocked                         
Whenever a lady is unfrocked.                               
Though the spirit is willing,                               
When a pussy needs filling,                                 
He's a man who goes off of half-cocked.                     
                                                            
48522 ORGASMS                        Jim Weaver Collection    



An amorous Jew, on Yom Kippur,                              
Saw a shiksel, decided to clip her.                         
"I'll grip her, and strip her,                              
And lip her, and whip her--",                               
Then his dingus shot off in his zipper!                     
                                                            
48523 ORGASMS                                            L1283



There was a young man of Ostend,                            
Who let his girl play with his end.                         
She took hold of rover                                      
And looked it all over,                                     
And it did what she didn't intend.                          
                                                            
48524 ORGASMS                                            L0076



There was a young girl of Pitlochry,                        
Who was had by a man in a rockery.                          
She said: "Oh! You've come                                  
All over my bum.                                            
This isn't a fuck, its a mockery."                          
                                                            
48525 ORGASMS                        Norman Douglas      L0080



There's this guy who is part of our gang,                   
Who spends money and loves his poontang.                    
But his wife is a skimper,                                  
And will come with a whimper,                               
But our buddy will end with a bang.                         
                                                            
48526 ORGASMS                        Bob Birch                



Said a thoughtful young stud of Brasilia,                   
"One orgasmic spasm would fillya.                           
So I'll just let the rest                                   
Gush out on your chest.                                     
If I shoot it inside, it'd killya."                         
                                                            
48527 ORGASMS                                                 



There once was this man named Burely,                       
Who got over excited with Shirley.                          
When she touched his hard pole,                             
An old story was told;                                      
He came in her hand prematurely.                            
                                                            
48528 ORGASMS                        Laurence Craft           



Prince Absalom lay with his sister,                         
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her.                     
But the kid was so tight                                    
And it was deep night,                                      
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.                
                                                            
48529 ORGASMS                                            L0096



There was a young lady of Gloucester,                       
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.                     
She wasn't much hurt,                                       
But he dirtied her skirt,                                   
So think of the anguish he cost her.                        
                                                            
48530 ORGASMS                                                 



A question, if you don't mind, please;                      
Only once can bring you to your knees.                      
I've seen the tears flow;                                   
I'm a two-timer, I know,                                    
But why does my spouse sneeze in threes?                    
                                                            
48531 ORGASMS                        Ron Sartain              



A quick-trigger boy from Duluth,                            
Was phoning his sweetheart named Ruth.                      
When he got his connection,                                 
He had an erection,                                         
And blew off all over the booth.                            
                                                            
48532 ORGASMS                                            G2117



Said a certain prim fellow named Hess,                      
"Though it causes a bit of distress,                        
I avoid the last spasm                                      
Of completed orgasm.                                        
I simply can't stand all that mess."                        
                                                            
48533 ORGASMS                        Isaac Asimov             



There was an old fellow named Murray,                       
Whose wife said, "My God! How I worry.                      
When we're both in bed,                                     
He's either quite dead,                                     
Or he's finished in too much a hurry.                       
                                                            
48534 ORGASMS                        Isaac Asimov             



There was a young girl of Samoa,                            
Who determined that no one should know her.                 
One young fellow tried,                                     
But she wriggled aside,                                     
And spilled all the spermatozoa.                            
                                                            
48535 ORGASMS                        Norman Douglas      L0892



A girl who came East from the farm,                         
Exclaimed, "City life has its charm.                        
Take the pleasures of orgasm,                               
Every girl in New York has 'em,                             
But in Kansas, they're viewed with alarm."                  
                                                            
48536 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                   G0063



Benny just makes this girl shivver.                         
Just thinking of him makes me quivver,                      
When I start to spasm                                       
From a mental orgasm,                                       
That Benny can somehow deliver.                             
                                                            
48537 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Muriel                   



A mathematician named Vector                                
Discovered a dangerous nectar.                              
It speeded orgasm                                           
With a hell of a spasm,                                     
That didn't quite kill but it wrecked her.                  
                                                            
48538 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Neal Wilgus         P8506



"What an enigma!" said Elgar,                               
"A puzzle that puzzles me thus far!                         
I've tried variations                                       
From erotical nations,                                      
But I can't make her come, it's bizaare."                   
                                                            
48539 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Jim Weaver Collection    



Cried a lecherous fellow out bumming,                       
"Look out below, Baby, I'm coming!"                         
She mumbled and groaned,                                    
"I adore being honed,                                       
For you sure set my comer to humming!"                      
                                                            
48540 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Grand Prix Lim  851      



Pricilla's completely enthralled                            
When her cellular phone is installed                        
In the crotch of her pants,                                 
Because, with the right stance,                             
She will instantly come when she's called.                  
                                                            
48541 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Jerry Nordal        P0301



An orgasmic young sex star named Sue,                       
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.                        
Her climatic fame spread                                    
With an ad blitz that said:                                 
"Coming soon at a Theater Near You!"                        
                                                            
48542 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



A hardware store worker, though lewd,                       
With tools was inventive and shrewd.                        
The machine that mixed paint                                
Brought her close to a faint                                
And she twice came completely unscrewed.                    
                                                            
48543 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Bob Giandomenico    P9509



It was so good, that it made me shiver.                     
You really know how to deliver.                             
That sweet "Little Death"                                   
Has taken my breath,                                        
And left my poor heart all aquiver.                         
                                                            
48544 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Kaylin Brandon           



Asked the waitress of customer Vance,                       
"Some cream in your coffee, perchance?"                     
Said Vance, "If you do,                                     
I will slip you a screw,                                    
And a load of the cream in your pants."                     
                                                            
48545 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2355



There once was this woman named Brown,                      
While bathing, had a feeling profound.                      
She actively rubbed                                         
Her little pink nub;                                        
Reached her peak!  Went so weak!  Damn near drowned!        
                                                            
48546 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Laurence Craft           



Miss Muffet undressed near a spider,                        
Who decided to crawl up inside her.                         
He wiggled and jiggled,                                     
But Miss Muffet just giggled,                               
Then her expression grew wider and wider.                   
                                                            
48547 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Actaeon                  



There once was this girl named Stubb,                       
Who fingered herself off in the tub.                        
One day she climaxed,                                       
Became so relaxed,                                          
The last thing she uttered was, "Glub-blub!"                
                                                            
48548 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Laurence Craft           



"It is nice when a young lady has tea."                     
Said Jane, "Though it may be past tea,                      
These revels and spasms                                     
Of tealess orgasms                                          
End up, I'm afraid, being nasty."                           
                                                            
48549 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady of Bister,                           
Who was nicer by far than her sister.                       
The sister would giggle                                     
And wiggle and jiggle,                                      
But this one would come if you kissed her.                  
                                                            
48550 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                   L0007



There was a young fellow named Bister                       
Who fucked Miss Laporte and her sister.                     
When he fucked Miss Laporte,                                
'Twas a marathon sport,                                     
But her sister would come when he kissed her.               
                                                            
48551 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0049



How well her lover was hung,                                
Was oft on the tip of her tongue.                           
But she'd not kiss and tell                                 
When the dong rang her bell,                                
Though her bell never did go unrung.                        
                                                            
48552 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Greg Schindler      P8903



A young senorita named Torias                               
Couldn't find her tiny clitorious.                          
It was so small to feel,                                    
A hit or miss deal,                                         
But once finding it made her feel glorious.                 
                                                            
48553 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Laurence Craft           



I once had a lover named M                                  
Who gave the most excellent trim.                           
She too, I would please;                                    
She could come with great ease --                           
My fingers and tongue up her quim.                          
                                                            
48554 ORGASMS - FEMALE               H Whelchel               



If girls, you don't come, as a rule,                        
Because your guy pulls out his tool,                        
And leaves you there, flat,                                 
You will climax at                                          
Professor Trav's Finishing School.                          
                                                            
48555 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Travis Brasell           



Fair Ann of the creamy complexion,                          
When impaled on a gent's firm erection,                     
First would smile and would sigh                            
Then would moan and would cry,                              
Till rosy became her reflection.                            
                                                            
48556 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Joe Long                 



No, iron just my pulsating rod;                             
I'm sure you'll enjoy getting prod.                         
The electrical field                                        
Gets gallons of yield,                                      
As the women come screaming, "Oh Gawwwwwd!"                 
                                                            
48557 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



That isn't the best I can do.                               
For now, it will just have to do.                           
I could make you wail                                       
When the batteries fail.                                    
I loved it.  Was it good for you?                           
                                                            
48558 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Frank Fazed              



There once was a lady of Corning                            
Who would climax without any warning;                       
But delay it she could,                                     
And was she ever good,                                      
If aroused at five in the morning.                          
                                                            
48559 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Keith MacMillan     A085D



A mother of ten was quite shocked                           
When her small boys and girls, in pairs locked              
In a bedroom embrace,                                       
Made her cry, "A disgrace                                   
For you girls to then go off half-cocked!"                  
                                                            
48560 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Grand Prix Lim  436      



An hour or so later, I fear,                                
You'll be screaming for mercy, my dear.                     
You'll succumb to my plumbing                               
By creaming and coming,                                     
While gripping the length of my spear.                      
                                                            
48561 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



He whispered, "Oh, please tell me, dear,                    
When you feel your climax draw near."                       
"That's so sweet," she said                                 
From her side of the bed                                    
"And I'd love to, but you're never here."                   
                                                            
48562 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Bob Giandomenico    P9003



A frustrated chap from Cape Cod                             
Believes in a feminine God.                                 
Each time his wife has a m-                                 
Ultiple orgasm,                                             
He only get one, the poor sod.                              
                                                            
48563 ORGASMS - FEMALE               CeeJay                   



There was a man named Gielgud;                              
His sole aim in life was to feel good.                      
From a balcony row                                          
A lady yelled "Go!"                                         
He succeeded, it seems, but real good.                      
                                                            
48564 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Jim Jambor          P9012



A lady who lived near the Lenz,                             
Had orgasms short but intense.                              
One day, getting tongued,                                   
She was so highly strunged,                                 
That she kicked me right over the fence.                    
                                                            
48565 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



Said woman to lover, "Just why, Max?                        
Why can't you do more to stay dry, Max?                     
I hate early spurters,                                      
You premature squirters --                                  
Now damn it, hold back till I climax!"                      
                                                            
48566 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Armand E Singer       530



It's neither her snatch or her tits,                        
For I get all my thrills, I admits,                         
If my lady gets pleasure                                    
In similar measure,                                         
To me, when I see to her bits.                              
                                                            
48567 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



There is a girl that I know,                                
Who loves urinating so,                                     
That when she has to,                                       
She runs to the loo,                                        
And there she just comes, as she goes.                      
                                                            
48568 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Hugh Clary               



Young Debbie has fun in the shower                          
With the water-jet spray on full power.                     
For it sets her aglow                                       
When she aims it below,                                     
And she orgasms hour after hour.                            
                                                            
48569 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Peter Wilkins            



Of Deb's 'shower fun' there's no doubt,                     
She will stay in for days -- won't come out;                
The town's reservoir level                                  
Has gone down to the devil,                                 
And her orgasmic binge caused a drought.                    
                                                            
48570 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Travis Brasell           



At the start of her climax, while screwing,                 
The phone rang...Cried panting Sue Ewing                    
"That must be my date                                       
For tonight...the dope's late...                            
But PLEASE, Joe, keep on what you're doing.                 
                                                            
48571 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Grand Prix Lim   70      



An eager nymphette, Sally Dellens,                          
Grabbed the boys with moanin's and yellin's.                
If they tickled her bum                                     
She wouldn't just come,                                     
She'd erupt like Mt. St. Helens.                            
                                                            
48572 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Ed Wolfert          P8302



Now as a mere man I believe,                                
A multiple orgasmic heave,                                  
i.e. second coming,                                         
When fixing her plumbing,                                   
Is woefully hard to achieve.                                
                                                            
48573 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Tiddy Ogg                



In bed with his girlfriend, young Victor                    
First necked her, then licked her, then dicked her.         
Then tickled and stroked her,                               
And tweaked her, and poked her,                             
Till she climaxed at 9 on the Richter.                      
                                                            
48574 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Jerry Nordal        P0301



When boffing my cook, Madge Macaulay,                       
I'll tolerate her getting sprawly                           
All over the floor,                                         
But I do abhor                                              
Her climaxing yelling, that's squally!                      
                                                            
48575 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



A young girl from old County Dade,                          
Said, "I think it's time I got laid.                        
My vibrator can tingle,                                     
But it's not cunnilingual,                                  
And that's how orgasms are made."                           
                                                            
48576 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Stan                     



The girls who want to come quick,                           
Use fingers or a similar trick.                             
Though they reach an orgasm,                                
Nothing rivals the spasm                                    
Brought about by a real gentle dick.                        
                                                            
48577 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Dirruk                   



I was coupling a girl in Hobbema                            
When her breasts showed a mild erythema.                    
"That tells you she's gone, son,"                           
Said Masters and Johnson,                                   
"Your turn to have fun - she's a screama!"                  
                                                            
48578 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Jemstone            P0109



There was a young girl from Fort Ord                        
Who found herself frequently bored.                         
She fondled her titty                                       
While rubbing her clitty                                    
Until she orgasmically scored.                              
                                                            
48579 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Bob Leclerc              



Her coming was such a good feeling,                         
Her moaning had turned into squealing;                      
The pitch was so high                                       
And so loud did she cry                                     
That it peeled the paint off the ceiling!                   
                                                            
48580 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Cap'n Bean          P9808



A demanding young lady from Boone                           
Intimated her coming quite soon,                            
Which brought some relief                                   
To her consort beneath,                                     
Who'd been up her the whole afternoon.                      
                                                            
48581 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Hugh Oliver         A049A



Don't guys all envy the chick,                              
Her G-hole, and quarter-inch dick?                          
She comes several times,                                    
While to one shot he climbs,                                
Then she laughs at him in the chick clique.                 
                                                            
48582 ORGASMS - FEMALE               H WHELCHEL               



A star-crossed young lover named Hearst                     
Thought he must be specially cursed.                        
He could pump like a stud                                   
Till he sweats drops of blood --                            
His love, every time, would come first.                     
                                                            
48583 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Armand E Singer       403



Can't quench the insatiable thirst;                         
All guys want their pee-pees well nursed.                   
So I always insist,                                         
Before I will assist,                                       
At my leisure, it's me that comes first.                    
                                                            
48584 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



Dem folks in Tahiti is coised                               
By a climate both heated and moist;                         
Perspiring so bad,                                          
It's no wonder da lad                                       
Is rarely da one what comes foist.                          
                                                            
48585 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Norm Storer              



This nympho had a frustration,                              
Whenever she got that sensation                             
Of climaxing at last,                                       
She'd breathe so damn fast,                                 
She'd pass-out from hyperventilation.                       
                                                            
48586 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Laurence Craft           



Right here up against my big balls,                         
As my cock rubs the length of your walls,                   
Absorbing the oils;                                         
Enjoying love's spoils,                                     
As you shriek out delightful loud calls.                    
                                                            
48587 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



A woman from Gloucester named Dees                          
Had rather a shattering sneeze.                             
It would come with a blast                                  
And when at last it passed,                                 
Gone were houses and castles and trees.                     
                                                            
48588 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Warrick Elrod            



I saw your pink petals were twitchin',                      
So I gave you something for itchin'.                        
My nice long big scratcher                                  
Sent you into rapture;                                      
Now that you're orgasmic, stop bitchin'!                    
                                                            
48589 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Jon Gearhart             



The best way to read Conan Doyle,                           
Is sitting astride Katie Boyle.                             
When she cries "Thar she blow!"                             
That the moment to go.                                      
There are some things from which I recoil.                  
                                                            
48590 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Kevin Hale               



Well now, I just think you should know,                     
I wondered how far I could go.                              
Though I stifled my moans,                                  
And held back on my groans,                                 
I came thirty times in a row!                               
                                                            
48591 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Phil T                   



Hear the tale of a lady named Link,                         
Who was hotter to trot than a mink.                         
But contractual spasms                                      
And two-second orgasms                                      
Made her less fun to fuck than you'd think.                 
                                                            
48592 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Armand E Singer       171



A passionate girl on the Shannon                            
Said, "Here's why I spend my time mannin':                  
If you twiddle my clit                                      
While you slipping me it,                                   
I go off like a twenty-ton cannon!"                         
                                                            
48593 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                   G2204



A spinster in Chasuable Chasm                               
Is gifted with double orgasm.                               
She comes once on your gland,                               
Then again in your hand,                                    
Which (in grammar) is called pleonasm.                      
(pleonasm - redundancy)                                     
48594 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                   G2291



Lascivious Kate never rushes;                               
She frigs 'til she's hot, wet and luscious;                 
Then as she orgasms                                         
In multiple spasms,                                         
She quivers and whimpers and blushes.                       
                                                            
48595 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



She frigs herself morning and night                         
While I watch her in lustful delight;                       
Then she spreads her legs wide                              
As she guides me inside...                                  
Then my dream fades away out of sight.                      
                                                            
48596 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



There was a young girl from the Amazon                      
Preparing to put her pajamas on,                            
When she had an orgasm,                                     
And out of her chasm --                                     
Well, she had to put her mama's on.                         
                                                            
48597 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                   G2075



Tell me girls, what's it like to orgasm,                    
With a man deep inside your love chasm,                     
'Cause my vibrating thumb                                   
On my virginal plum                                         
Caused a feeling like sphincteral spasm.                    
                                                            
48598 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



A pretty young Aussie named Tanya,                          
Had an orgasm eating lasagna.                               
Said her Mum, "What a kick!                                 
Some may say it was sick!                                   
But if that does the trick, then good on ya!"               
                                                            
48599 ORGASMS - FEMALE               David M. Smith           



There once was a lady named Shirley                         
Whose pussy was all nice and curly.                         
She'd sit and she'd spin                                    
When a dick was put in,                                     
And she came in a manner most whirly.                       
                                                            
48600 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Jeanie                   



He was actor and dancer and singer;                         
In our psyche his image will linger.                        
He was hero and gallant,                                    
And his greatest talent:                                    
He could make a lady come with one finger.                  
                                                            
48601 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



No more, Oh! no please, I pled;                             
We've mashed a big dent in the bed.                         
You've worn out my puss.                                    
I am such a wuss.                                           
Let me just give you some head.                             
                                                            
48602 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Karen                    



Don't push that button again.                               
You've pushed it until it is thin.                          
That ain't no reset;                                        
Just wait one minute;                                       
And wipe off that shit eating grin.                         
                                                            
48603 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Karen                    



I just wanted a bit of fun,                                 
So I called on my number one.                               
In a sexual game,                                           
I cried out his name!                                       
And bother!  I yelled the wrong one!                        
                                                            
48604 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



His penis went rather lank;                                 
His passion and ardour, it sank.                            
His smile was real wry,                                     
As he looked in my eye,                                     
And said "WHO in the HELL is FRANK?"                        
                                                            
48605 ORGASMS - FEMALE                                        



You certainly know how to hum;                              
That makes a girl want to succumb.                          
The tension's so great,                                     
Don't think I can wait,                                     
I'm ready to ...oooh...aaah...uhmmm...!                     
                                                            
48606 ORGASMS - FEMALE               Kaylin Brandon           



While the soul through the purging can make it,             
Nor clothing nor body can take it,                          
So let Islam staff it.                                      
We have the last laugh fit,                                 
For seventy virgins all fake it.                            
                                                            
48607 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Dennis Hammes            



A wife who had never complained                             
Had her husband convinced that he reigned                   
As a stud in their bed,                                     
But the truth be it said,                                   
Was her orgasms all had been feigned.                       
                                                            
48608 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Cap'n Bean          P0205



If mine were the world to remake,                           
A couple of liberties I'd take.                             
No woman corny;                                             
All women horny;                                            
And orgasms that couldn't be faked!                         
                                                            
48609 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Mercury                  



A sexy young prostitute, Bridgit,                           
Once got into bed with a midget.                            
With artistic skill,                                        
She feigned thrill after thrill --                          
But privately dreamed of her digit.                         
                                                            
48610 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Norm Storer              



If my offer you're tempted to take,                         
We can meet down at Table Rock Lake.                        
On the water, it's nice.                                    
(A hotel would suffice) --                                  
I promise an orgasm I'll fake.                              
                                                            
48611 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE                                 



To a girl seeking financial gain,                           
There's something I'll have to explain.                     
The easiest way                                             
To achieve it today,                                        
What you really detest, is to feign.                        
                                                            
48612 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Norm Storer         P9812



Quite honestly, Emily Jane                                  
Admits that she once tried to feign                         
The perfect orgasm --                                       
But since nobody has'em,                                    
Her effort was clearly in vain.                             
                                                            
48613 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Norm Storer              



This housewife was frigid, named Dawes,                     
And didn't know what was the cause.                         
So she faked her orgasms,                                   
A class act with spasms;                                    
On the stage she'd have gotten applause!                    
                                                            
48614 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Laurence Craft           



Her orgasms -- phoney, it's true;                           
Phone sex with no matter who.                               
It's usually the plumber --                                 
I'll give you her number,                                   
So she can orgasm with you.                                 
                                                            
48615 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Lightbulb                



Now while she is phoning her John,                          
Thoughts of her hubby are gone.                             
So Old Man Maloney                                          
Starts feeling all lonely,                                  
Yet horny, and really turned on!                            
                                                            
48616 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Lightbulb                



But she just won't stop her phone-sexin',                   
While leaving her buddy a-vexin'.                           
So Old Man Maloney                                          
Calls Old Faithful (his pony)                               
And rides its tight ass like a Texan.                       
                                                            
48617 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Lightbulb                



Next door there's a Mrs Maloney                             
Whose orgasms mostly are phoney                             
To please her old man;                                      
For as oft as she can,                                      
She gets more than she needs from her pony.                 
                                                            
48618 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE                                 



A woman whose last name was Drake,                          
During sex, she would quiver and shake;                     
But she fooled all the guys                                 
With her moans and her signs,                               
For her orgasms really were fake.                           
                                                            
48619 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Cap'n Bean          P9812



Sex with a lass sure is fine,                               
For she'll scream and she'll moan and she'll whine.         
As she wriggles and spasms,                                 
She'll fake her orgasms,                                    
But I sure as hell didn't fake mine.                        
                                                            
48620 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE                                 



I wouldn't worry about brain,                               
When most of it goes down the drain.                        
When you manage to capture                                  
Us women in rapture,                                        
And with orgasms we don't have to feign.                    
                                                            
48621 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE                                 



Factitious orgasmic delight                                 
Resounds from some beds every night.                        
While lying humpbacked,                                     
Some women enact                                            
To please in the saddle, their knight.                      
                                                            
48622 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Nick                     



This wonderful girl I was making                            
Was screaming and moaning and shaking.                      
I said, "Honey child                                        
You really are wild."                                       
She replied, "It's OK, I'm just faking."                    
                                                            
48623 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE                                 



A new year is ripe in the making.                           
To count blessings, time I am taking.                       
Her ass isn't big,                                          
She's never a prig,                                         
When coming, she seldom is faking.                          
                                                            
48624 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Daniel                   



An orgasm it can be fine;                                   
A multiple one is devine.                                   
But if you should moan,                                     
And it's not your own,                                      
You faked it, you bullshiting swine.                        
                                                            
48625 ORGASMS - FEMALE - FAKE        Brad                     



The last time I had an orgasm,                              
It came with a spine-tingling spasm.                        
In the midst of our thralls                                 
It busted my balls,                                         
And I smeared all the walls with my plasm.                  
                                                            
48626 ORGASMS - MALE                                     G0712



A smartass was one Philip Munn.                             
(He wasn't called "Cunning-ham" for fun.)                   
He took every occasion                                      
For ejaculation,                                            
And in between loaded his gun.                              
                                                            
48627 ORGASMS - MALE                 Anon                     



A camper with peter immense,                                
Said: "To carry a pole makes no sense!                      
I just spread out a blanket,                                
Crawl under and yank it.                                    
My orgasm's always in tents."                               
                                                            
48628 ORGASMS - MALE                 Rowdy Jack               



On a warm summer day I was showing                          
A coed the technique of rowing,                             
When finally she spoke:                                     
"I do love your stroke,                                     
But there's more than the bilge overflowing!"               
                                                            
48629 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



There once was a man from Rangoon                           
Whose orgasms came far too soon.                            
Said women he knew,                                         
"It's no fun with you,                                      
Go practice it on a baboon."                                
                                                            
48630 ORGASMS - MALE                 Julia Strawn        P8805



There was a young man who did gyrate                        
Within a young woman, quite irate.                          
She complained, "You done bore                              
For an hour or more!                                        
I think you can't come, is what I state!"                   
                                                            
48631 ORGASMS - MALE                 Sam Shaffe          P8704



"To die" is a great euphemism.                              
It signals release of my jism.                              
I pray that I'll perish                                     
And always I'll cherish                                     
Your poem that stayed my skepticism.                        
                                                            
48632 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



My Girl is a sexual magician;                               
Her one and only ambition                                   
Is to give me an orgasm,                                    
A real heavenly spasm.                                      
She's a coition-emission technician.                        
                                                            
48633 ORGASMS - MALE                 Ed Wolfert          P8209



She ignited desire with her glance                          
And fanned it to fire of romance.                           
So inflamed was his heart                                   
And its flesh counterpart,                                  
That it made him combust in his pants.                      
                                                            
48634 ORGASMS - MALE                 Lance Payne         P8405



Superstitious and poor Mrs. Tunney,                         
Had a habit both touching and funny:                        
She would wad up a buck,                                    
In her cunt ere she'd fuck,                                 
So her husband could come into money.                       
                                                            
48635 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



Confucius say: Problem like sand;                           
Finding answer, worth many grand;                           
Man with sex on mind,                                       
Go to bed he will find,                                     
In the morning, solution-in-hand.                           
                                                            
48636 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



The sight of her well-tufted chasm                          
Induced an involuntary spasm.                               
I put up a fight                                            
But try as I might,                                         
I couldn't delay my orgasm.                                 
                                                            
48637 ORGASMS - MALE                 SFA                      



There was this young boy named Fritz,                       
Who has orgasms each time he shits.                         
"This not knowing                                           
If I'm coming or going,                                     
Is driving me out of my wits.                               
                                                            
48638 ORGASMS - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



That merciless Emperor Dacian,                              
Much given to deep penetration,                             
Said, "Getting there's fun                                  
But second to none                                          
Are pleasures from ejaculation."                            
                                                            
48639 ORGASMS - MALE                 Armand E Singer       617



Good grief; if the end has begun,                           
Let's go out with a fuck; have some fun.                    
If my pecker's unfurled                                     
In a pussy, the world                                       
Can go bang; I'll die happy my son.                         
                                                            
48640 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



The size of the barge on a trip                             
Makes no diff' if a yacht or a slip.                        
If you get the right motion,                                
You still cross the ocean                                   
With all in or even the tip.                                
                                                            
48641 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



I, too, shot a wad with a wallop                            
Into Trudy, my very first trollop;                          
The force of my blast                                       
Put her hip in a cast                                       
And thereafter she walked with a lollop.                    
                                                            
48642 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



There once was a man from Crete,                            
Who triumphantly came on his feet.                          
Till that fateful day,                                      
He let a fine spray,                                        
And slipped, going down in defeat.                          
                                                            
48643 ORGASMS - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The rich man, the poor man, the tramp--                     
Each man has an Aladdin's lamp.                             
He need only rub                                            
(The rich hire a sub)                                       
And he is the Orgasm Champ.                                 
                                                            
48644 ORGASMS - MALE                 Irving Superior     P9103



Jim told us with hearty sarcasm,                            
That he never had had an orgasm.                            
Though indiscreet,                                          
We slipped 'neath his sheet,                                
And found, without doubt, that he has 'em.                  
                                                            
48645 ORGASMS - MALE                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In Ottawa girls are quite dumb;                             
They'd rather just sit on their bum.                        
Lazy?  I know.                                              
But they won't say no,                                      
When finally you say, "Here I come!"                        
                                                            
48646 ORGASMS - MALE                 Dudesdead                



There was a young man named Levine,                         
Who said to his lady, inclined,                             
"Thanks for the spasm,                                      
It felt like orgasm;                                        
As a matter of fact, 'twas divine.                          
                                                            
48647 ORGASMS - MALE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A young fellow whose last name was Crockett,                
Liked to walk with his hand in his pocket.                  
He was able to hide                                         
What's happened inside,                                     
'Til he comes like a jet-propelled rocket.                  
                                                            
48648 ORGASMS - MALE                 Coops                    



The girl down the road begged, "Come soon,                  
The last time you came it was noon!"                        
"I hate to dispute you,"                                    
Said I, "or refute you;                                     
The last time I came was in June!"                          
                                                            
48649 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



I sure love it when hard nipples jut;                       
Makes my phallus get eager to strut.                        
I think at your breast,                                     
I need not be a pest,                                       
I can come while just reading this smut!                    
                                                            
48650 ORGASMS - MALE                 Tutta Gioia              



With fountains of jizm I splat-                             
terred the ceilings and walls and the cat.                  
Now I've emptied my hose;                                   
All I want is to doze;                                      
You expect me to natter and chat?                           
                                                            
48651 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



I miss you, Voluptuous Dame.                                
The last time I called out your name,                       
My peter got stiff                                          
Within tenth of a jiff.                                     
And a half-second later I came.                             
                                                            
48652 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



Now William was born in Kentucky;                           
He thought himself wonderfully lucky.                       
One jerk, plus a spasm,                                     
Produced an orgasm                                          
And he thought that he was just ducky.                      
                                                            
48653 ORGASMS - MALE                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I once came so fast and so hard,                            
I left her all mangled and scarred.                         
The cops found her spleen                                   
Way down some ravine,                                       
But most of her stayed in the yard.                         
                                                            
48654 ORGASMS - MALE                 H Welchel                



A hard-riding trucker named Escher                          
Tried out a big hooker in Lesher.                           
He had an orgasm                                            
Inside her vast chasm...                                    
But from thinking about it, not pressure!                   
                                                            
48655 ORGASMS - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  112      



When the elderly Mrs. Topopov                               
Blows Mr. Topopov's pop topov,                              
The Topopovs don't stop                                     
Until pop pops his top,                                     
And then only to mop all the slopov.                        
                                                            
48656 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



"Please come in your best suit on Sat."                     
Said Barb's invitation to Matt;                             
He R.S.V.P'd,                                               
Said, "I really need,                                       
To come much more sooner than that!"                        
                                                            
48657 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



A dapper young fellow named Peening                         
Thought prancing nude girls gave life meaning.              
A lusty lap dance                                           
Has left him entranced,                                     
But out seven bucks for dry cleaning.                       
                                                            
48658 ORGASMS - MALE                 Gary D. McCullough       



The battery mechanic named Hood,                            
Was pumping as fast as he could                             
On top of his wife,                                         
And he said, "'Pon my life,                                 
An occasional discharge is good."                           
                                                            
48659 ORGASMS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0197



To a girl that he met at a dance,                           
Jack made an improper advance.                              
He was so much impressed                                    
When this girl acquiesced,                                  
That his rifle went off in his pants.                       
                                                            
48660 ORGASMS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1846



There's life in my peter; it still                          
Has a mind of its own and the thrill                        
Of a chick in my arms,                                      
With the requisite charms,                                  
Will undoubtedly cause it to spill.                         
                                                            
48661 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



Girls give Jim's stiff penis a spasm,                       
Whenever he sees 'em or has 'em.                            
He likes them so well,                                      
He needs only to smell,                                     
Them to a have spontaneous orgasm.                          
                                                            
48662 ORGASMS - MALE                                     L1348



My Dad said, "Don't fall for each skirt,                    
Because you are bound to get hurt;                          
It's best to be choosy,                                     
Don't fall for a floozie                                    
Who'll laugh at your premature spurt!"                      
                                                            
48663 ORGASMS - MALE                 Mark Levy           P9606



On the deck of a ship called Masm,                          
An old salt was having a spasm.                             
Cried a lady named Chasm,                                   
"Is that an orgasm?"                                        
And the old salt replied to her, "Yas'm."                   
                                                            
48664 ORGASMS - MALE                 Conrad Aiken             



Last night I was reaming Erm's chasm,                       
When my dick gave a kick and a spasm.                       
Have I gone awry?                                           
I swear I don't lie,                                        
'Twas a real satisfying orgasm.                             
                                                            
48665 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



"Hey lass - I just can't keep my eyes                       
Off your ass and your honey-brown thighs,"                  
Said a Scotsman called Mac                                  
As he lay on his back,                                      
With a caber of mountainous size.                           
                                                            
48666 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



She gasped at the way he was built,                         
But his caber erupted and spilt                             
Prematurely. "You ass!"                                     
Said the wee Scottish lass,                                 
"Now there's porridge all over my kilt."                    
                                                            
48667 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



The test pilot got a commission:                            
Study free-fall effects on emission.                        
But he got a bang,                                          
Before leaving the hang-                                    
Ar, thus screwing the whole fuckin' mission!                
                                                            
48668 ORGASMS - MALE                                          



My astonishment never ceases;                               
I really think I am Jesus.                                  
At least once every night                                   
When her touch is right,                                    
The second coming's when she squeezes.                      
                                                            
48669 ORGASMS - MALE                 Tom Patton          P9506



That fortunate Arab, Ben-Azzem,                             
Enjoys a magnificent spasm                                  
Whenever he spies                                           
A young lady's thighs--                                     
And eventually every girl has 'em.                          
                                                            
48670 ORGASMS - MALE                 Norm Storer              



My dear, the truth sometimes hurts --                       
We must not spend our time being flirts.                    
So I hope you are ready --                                  
True love is not steady,                                    
But comes in a series of spurts.                            
                                                            
48671 ORGASMS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin       P8602



A peculiar old fellow named Rutter                          
Once pickled his bollocks in butter,                        
Which changed his orgasm                                    
From a thunderous spasm,                                    
To a oleomargarine mutter.                                  
                                                            
48672 ORGASMS - MALE                                     G2479



A woman who lived in Mobile,                                
Would often steal a feel.                                   
She felt of the glans,                                      
Got spunk on her hands,                                     
And thought it one hell of a deal.                          
                                                            
48673 ORGASMS - MALE                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Though I struggle to get the right rhythm                   
With dames, I can seldom come with 'em.                     
But my fun don't diminish                                   
If they're slow to the finish,                              
As long as I jettison githm.                                
                                                            
48674 ORGASMS - MALE                 Hugh Clary               



A novice young fellow with Kate                             
Presumed he was doing first rate.                           
When Kate remarked, "Flynn,                                 
Let's indulge in some sin."                                 
"Oh my goodness," cried Flynn, "it's too late!"             
                                                            
48675 ORGASMS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1871



Your body sure sets me on fire;                             
I ache with a throbbing desire.                             
Oh, don't let me wait                                       
For much longer...too late!                                 
"Was it good for you too?" I enquire.                       
                                                            
48676 ORGASMS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



When Peter was dating Miss Shirley,                         
He pulled out his pecker so burly.                          
As she opened her chasm,                                    
He went into orgasm,                                        
And he came just before prematurely.                        
                                                            
48677 ORGASMS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1901



Poor Joe missed his train in West Brumming,                 
Because with his dick he was plumbing.                      
As the train pulled away,                                   
He said, in dismay,                                         
"It's going, I fear, but I'm coming."                       
                                                            
48678 ORGASMS - MALE                 Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Some men want to die with a spasm                           
And others, while filling a chasm.                          
But then there are guys                                     
Who'll meet their demise                                    
While nailing a triple orgasm.                              
                                                            
48679 ORGASMS - MALE                 SFA                      



Said a tardy young man of Decatur                           
To his girl every time he would date her,                   
"Now we're here on the bed,                                 
You proceed on ahead,                                       
And I'll do what I can to come later."                      
                                                            
48680 ORGASMS - MALE                 Keith MacMillan     A044B



Young Alice is known for her poise                          
During quiet foreplay with the boys.                        
But then when she has'm                                     
At the brink of orgasm,                                     
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.                
                                                            
48681 ORGASMS - MALE                 Isaac Asimov             



Oh darling, oh dearest, oh my Max,                          
I love you but plase won't you try, Max,                    
To hold back your juices,                                   
Not to ward off papooses,                                   
But so that together we'll climax.                          
                                                            
48682 ORGASMS - MALE                 Armand E Singer      530A



The sight of Amelia Ruddles                                 
So naked and buxom befuddles                                
The senses with lust,                                       
Anatomical thrust                                           
And embarrassing trouser-front puddles.                     
                                                            
48683 ORGASMS - MALE                 Peter Wilkins            



You are just making me sick,                                
Good God man, you don't miss a trick.                       
It's always the same,                                       
And just one more lame                                      
Excuse just for dipping your wick.                          
                                                            
48684 ORGASMS - MALE                 Carol                    



Wick-dipping's a joy for us all,                            
The long and the short and the tall.                        
The dipper and dippee                                       
Will both shout "Yippee",                                   
And the pleasure it gives, will not pall.                   
                                                            
48685 ORGASMS - MALE                 Archie                   



There was an old whore of Montrose,                         
Who'd go off any time that she chose.                       
She could do it, they say,  (One day she went blooie)       
Ninety-nine times a day.    (Ninety times in St. Louie--)   
And if that is no record, it's close.                       
                                                            
48686 ORGASMS - SERIAL                                   G0702



A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,                       
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.                         
While the man detumesced                                    
She still spent on with zest,                               
Her rapture sheer anachronism.                              
                                                            
48687 ORGASMS - SERIAL                                   L0280



I've found something new for my pleasure!                   
He's a most unusual treasure.                               
His lips upon mine,                                         
Far sweeter than wine                                       
Give me orgasms far beyond measure.                         
                                                            
48688 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Robyn               T9710



There was a young man from Lake Eire,                       
Whose manners were charming and cheery.                     
He softly would say                                         
At the end of a lay,                                        
"Please hasten and come again, dearie."                     
                                                            
48689 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A lady with her hair of grey,                               
Made love in a most stunning way.                           
She would lie in the mud,                                   
Cover herself with a rug,                                   
And orgasm continued all day.                               
                                                            
48690 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



A nice twisted wench from Capreeze,                         
Orgasmed each time she would sneeze.                        
To the druggest she went,                                   
And laid down her last cent;                                
"A barrel of snuff, if you please."                         
                                                            
48691 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Scott Hendricks          



When a man on a lady does climb,                            
His orgasm comes once -- it's a crime.                      
But a lady can score                                        
Fifty times and much more,                                  
And all in a very short time.                               
                                                            
48692 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Al Chaplin          P9410



A girl is short-changed in a screw;                         
A man gets off once and he's through.                       
But a girl can take ten,                                    
And then ten again -                                        
So give her four more - she'll be true.                     
                                                            
48693 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Al Chaplin          P9410



The party is now in full swing;                             
Each man brandishes his own thing,                          
And begin to frolic,                                        
With women they pick,                                       
In order a climax to bring.                                 
                                                            
48694 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't try stroking massage in Ukraine;                      
It causes grief, sorrow and bane.                           
After the tenth fuck,                                       
You're like a lame duck,                                    
And the girls are just at it again!                         
                                                            
48695 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Nik Synytskyy            



I've never had ladies complain,                             
In fact, they repeat this refrain:                          
"Your loving's sublime,                                     
I'll come one more time."                                   
My technique just drives them insane.                       
                                                            
48696 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Frank Fazed              



They tell of a satyr named Clive,                           
Who nightly comes thirty times five;                        
He's unique, a phenomenon,                                  
Like a hapax legonmenon,      (word used only once)         
And has no known equal alive.                               
                                                            
48697 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Armand E Singer       871



Plainly, she had a strong yen,                              
And she asked him to come to her den.                       
So he came, and he came,                                    
And he fanned a big flame,                                  
And she asked him to please come again.                     
                                                            
48698 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



You say that it's still not your best?                      
We'll try again after I rest.                               
Who needs batteries                                         
With a man who can please;                                  
I can't wait to put you to the test!                        
                                                            
48699 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Kaylin Brandon           



While sneezing, a lady named Duff                           
Had orgasmic throes quite enough.                           
Said a frined, "Don't ignore it.                            
You must do something for it."                              
She said, "All I take is some snuff."                       
                                                            
48700 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-1850



A versatile girl from the South                             
Of erogenous zones had no drouth.                           
When she opened her chasm,                                  
She would have an orgasm,                                   
If she said a bad word with her mouth!                      
                                                            
48701 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Albin Chaplin   3024-1905



There was an Old Man of the Mountain,                       
Who frigged himself into a fountain.                        
Fifteen times he had spent,                                 
Still he wasn't content.                                    
He simply got tired of countin'.                            
(Published 1879)                                            
48702 ORGASMS - SERIAL                                   L0325



There once was a man from Belize,                           
Who would come every time that he sneezed.                  
They found only his pecker                                  
And a can of black pepper,                                  
Floating in semen to his knees.                             
                                                            
48703 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



A furniture salesgirl named Niles,                          
Brings quickie male-customer smiles.                        
Her talents are fabled,                                     
When couched, chaired, or tabled,                           
Since she comes in a wide range of styles.                  
                                                            
48704 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Jim Weaver Collection    



Perhaps it is rest that you'll need.                        
We'll go for distance, not speed.                           
I'll tease you and more,                                    
With foreplay galore --                                     
You'll be sated when we've "done the deed."                 
                                                            
48705 ORGASMS - SERIAL               Kaylin Brandon           



A sex-happy babe of South Bend                              
Spoke of men to a goggle-eyed friend,                       
"The thing that surprises                                   
Is they're all different sizes,                             
But produce the same kicks, in the end!"                    
                                                            
48706 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  755      



Oh give me men, and then some more,                         
Because men are just what we adore.                         
They've got something I've not;                             
What it is, I've forgot,                                    
But it is something nice, I am sure!                        
                                                            
48707 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



Well, I guess masturbation's okay                           
In a pinch, but I've still got to say                       
That for me, there's no finer                               
Toy for my vagina,                                          
Than genuine man-meat, Grade A.                             
                                                            
48708 PENES - ADMIRED                Jeanie                   



A lonely old maid name of Springer                          
Was thrilled by the plumber's big clinger.                  
She said, "A man's root                                     
Has no substitute --                                        
It is better by far than Stink-finger.                      
                                                            
48709 PENES - ADMIRED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1906



Bigger's not some magic potion,                             
Though so many men have that notion.                        
The grandest surprises                                      
May come in small sizes;                                    
It ain't the meat, it's the motion.                         
                                                            
48710 PENES - ADMIRED                Karen                    



Demonpete will require exorcism,                            
While on Tids I perform a baptism!                          
Then both of my boys                                        
Will show me the joys,                                      
Of practicing phallicism!                                   
                                                            
48711 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



A lucky young cajun from Nawlins,  (New Orleans)            
Had a knack for impressin' the dawlin's.                    
He could finger a clit                                      
Or nuzzle a tit,                                            
But his pecker's what brought 'em all crawlin'.             
                                                            
48712 PENES - ADMIRED                Anon                     



An A.M. disk jockey named Morty                             
Married newscaster Sue Yorty.                               
He nicknamed his dong                                       
"Sue's favorite Schlong."                                   
Sue said "Wrong -- but it's in my top 40."                  
                                                            
48713 PENES - ADMIRED                Michael Weinstein   P9606



With a heady irateness, some chick                          
Found she could no longer stay in the clique.               
The secret revealed                                         
And no longer concealed;                                    
It was merely a tube of "Chap"stick.                        
                                                            
48714 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



Now our young Nat's John Thomas,                            
Did fulfill every promise.                                  
It leapt and it curled!                                     
While clitorii were twirled,                                
We recommend him as the fondest.                            
                                                            
48715 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



There was an old lady named Scott                           
Who never gave pricks any thought                           
She said, "They're a mess,                                  
Like the beast of Loch Ness,                                
But my cunt seems to like them a lot."                      
                                                            
48716 PENES - ADMIRED                Albin Chaplin   3024-0610



My new girlfriend said to me, "So,                          
You've quite surprised me, you know.                        
When you said in your letter,                               
You had eight inches or better,                             
I thought you were talking 'bout snow."                     
                                                            
48717 PENES - ADMIRED                Tom Accousti             



A young gardener from Bennington Rise                       
Had great trouble adjusting his flies.                      
All the jurors concurred                                    
That his mallows came third,                                
While the young man himself won first prize.                
                                                            
48718 PENES - ADMIRED                David Axton              



A farmer from near Skibbereen,                              
Who was terribly haughty and mean;                          
When women were nigh,                                       
He would open his fly,                                      
And shout, "Look - 'tis fit for the Queen."                 
                                                            
48719 PENES - ADMIRED                Linda Marsh Coll         



A marvelous thing is the penis,                             
Filled with blood both arterial and venous.                 
Its turgid condition                                        
Assures intromission                                        
And the transfer of fluids between us.                      
                                                            
48720 PENES - ADMIRED                Peter Wilkins            



I respond to logic -- and Will,                             
Whose trouser-snake gives me a thrill.                      
He pulls his rocket                                         
Out his side pocket --                                      
The contortions just give me a chill.                       
                                                            
48721 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A comely young woman named Venus                            
Craved all day long for a penis.                            
With an admiring glance,                                    
She said, "Drop your pants!"                                
And we'll get something straight between us."               
                                                            
48722 PENES - ADMIRED                MEK                      



The card I received caught my eye,                          
And I laughed as I slapped at my thigh.                     
It came from Aunt Mame,                                     
And the envelope came                                       
Addressed to "James Johnson and Fly."                       
                                                            
48723 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A bediddled beauty named Bissel                             
Remarked about Dan's guided missle,                         
"Some things I treasure                                     
For how they give pleasure,                                 
And if anything does so, why this'll!"                      
                                                            
48724 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  262      



There was a young man of Des Moines,                        
Who made rather too much of his groin.                      
"Make a bid," he would shout                                
As he flashed it about.                                     
"OK, Ladies--Going...Going...Goin!"                         
                                                            
48725 PENES - ADMIRED                John Ciardi              



An astonished young virgin, Miss Bissell,                   
Viewed his love pump and let out a whistle.                 
"Though the thing's only meat                               
And, as I've heard, a treat;                                
I still dread that red guided missle."                      
                                                            
48726 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  140      



I once met a tap-dancing plumber,                           
With many a female customer.                                
He could romance                                            
The girl with a dance,                                      
And he had just the right tool to plumb her.                
                                                            
48727 PENES - ADMIRED                Mike M             TP9802



Two girls on the top of Mt. Hood;                           
Said the good girl, "It's hard to be good."                 
Said the bad, with a shriek,                                
As she squirmed on the peak,                                
"It has to be hard to be good!"                             
                                                            
48728 PENES - ADMIRED                Hugh Oliver         A098B



A cute office girl scored a laugh,                          
And a point for her own epitaph,                            
When she casually said                                      
That she quite like the head                                
Of the staff of the Head of the Staff.                      
                                                            
48729 PENES - ADMIRED                Bill Backe-Hansen   P8702



The girls who frequent picture-palaces,                     
Set no store by psychoanalysis,                             
And though Mr. Freud,                                       
Is greatly annoyed,                                         
They cling to their old-fashioned phalluses. (fallacies?)   
                                                            
48730 PENES - ADMIRED                Phillip Heseltine   L1327



To some, her behavior's improper,                           
But when she gets hot I can't stop her.                     
With a lecherous glance,                                    
She refers to my pants                                      
As her very own "Home of the Whopper."                      
                                                            
48731 PENES - ADMIRED                Lucas Hulp          P9402



I love you 'til it hertz, my Gherkin!                       
A sarpent, an ell, a kilderkin!                             
I love you an anker,                                        
My dear old wanker.                                         
But mostly I love you a firkin!                             
                                                            
48732 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



I thought I'd surprise you in bed                           
With breakfast - some tea and some bread?                   
What is it that hovers                                      
There, under the covers?                                    
Oh my! I'll just have this instead...                       
                                                            
48733 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Got to stop being a lazy slacker                            
A nosh would be good, just a cracker.                       
I like 'em with cheese                                      
And now would you please                                    
Tell us that's your real tallywacker?                       
                                                            
48734 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



Said Mary, "I do beg your pardon,                           
But I once had a tree in my garden,                         
With a trunk long and thick,                                
But I have to admit,                                        
'Twas nothing, compared to John's hard'un..."               
                                                            
48735 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



While shopping at 'Fine Meats by Tommy,'                    
Miss Pearl said, "I like your salami."                      
"That's funny, Miss Pearl,"                                 
Quipped Tom's little girl,                                  
"Each night my dad hears that from mommy!"                  
                                                            
48736 PENES - ADMIRED                Travis Brasell           



An intense cock addiction is Brent's --                     
He stands at the stalls in the gents'                       
And avidly scans                                            
Every man's exposed glans,                                  
And with such sights his passion contents.                  
                                                            
48737 PENES - ADMIRED                Linda Marsh Coll         



My ancestry goes back at least                              
To British soil (London's End East);                        
So, therefore, by Jove,                                     
All women just love                                         
My cockney -- they say it's a beast!                        
                                                            
48738 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



An excited young lady named Wright                          
To a girlfriend confided, "Last night                       
I discovered romance                                        
When he let drop his pants                                  
And behold, it was love at first sight."                    
                                                            
48739 PENES - ADMIRED                Paul Westwood       P9605



To a young virgin friend said Miss James:                   
"Sex is The Most in fun games.                              
What's pointed at you                                       
Ain't like on a statue,                                     
For where marble dangles, meat aims!"                       
                                                            
48740 PENES - ADMIRED                Linda Marsh Coll    G0367



A young baseball fan named Miss Glend,                      
Was the home team's best rooter and friend.                 
But for her, the big league,                                
Never held the intrigue,                                    
Of a bat with two balls at the end.                         
                                                            
48741 PENES - ADMIRED                                    L1424



Your pecker, its texture and girth,                         
May not be a subject of mirth...                            
We all take your word                                       
That your exploits occurred...                              
And you clients got their moneys worth.                     
                                                            
48742 PENES - ADMIRED                TuttaGioia               



There are much better words you could choose;               
You'd do better to lay off the booze.                       
My rod's been admired;                                      
My staff's not retired,                                     
And it does so much more than amuse.                        
                                                            
48743 PENES - ADMIRED                Frank Fazed              



It's true, all men want a ten incher;                       
The size that would vaginally pinch her.                    
But if you'll settle for five,                              
Mine's very much alive;                                     
Smooth stroking and never got censure.                      
                                                            
48744 PENES - ADMIRED                S C Saint                



I'm sorry your hospital stay,                               
Has filled you with so much dismay.                         
But look at the bright side;                                
Those tubes weren't stuck inside                            
Your dick, so you could pee or play.                        
                                                            
48745 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



A fearful young lady named Kippers                          
Stood in fear of small dogs that were nippers.              
And in fright she would shake                               
At the sight of a snake,                                    
But she feared not the snakes behind zippers.               
                                                            
48746 PENES - ADMIRED                Albin Chaplin   3024-2141



My brother's new wife takes the cake;                       
Sometimes she sure acts like a flake.                       
I was taking a pee,                                         
When she walks in on me,                                    
And screamed "Don't get bit by that snake!"                 
                                                            
48747 PENES - ADMIRED                Travis Brasell           



There was a young friend in the gang                        
Who had a most wonderful whang.                             
"I like it," she sighed.                                    
"Just leave it inside.                                      
Don't waste it and just let it hang."                       
                                                            
48748 PENES - ADMIRED                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Under Harry, cried heated-up Harriet,                       
As her loverboy started to bury it,                         
"I love your doo-hickey,                                    
But it must be quite sticky,                                
And an awful darn nuisance to carry it."                    
                                                            
48749 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  014 G0358



"A prick," said the Lady of Kent,                           
"Must be rigid and not badly bent.                          
Richard's qualification                                     
Is the best in the nation --                                
As a prick he's one hundred percent!"                       
                                                            
48750 PENES - ADMIRED                Albin Chaplin  3024-2139 



There was a young fellow (a cheater),                       
Who promised a girl he would treat 'er                      
To something quite fine,                                    
Even grand and divine,                                      
And then all he brought forth was his peter.                
                                                            
48751 PENES - ADMIRED                Isaac Asimov             



Old Julia Jill from Valencia                                
Craves for a poking with lengthier                          
Rigid fat poles                                             
In most all of her holes,                                   
'Cause she suffers from penile dementia.                    
                                                            
48752 PENES - ADMIRED                Peter Wilkins            



Penis envy's a thing overwrought;                           
It isn't worth another thought.                             
Like grass that is greener,                                 
It only seems keener;                                       
Illusion that adds up to naught.                            
                                                            
48753 PENES - ADMIRED                Chris Papa               



It's a popular pastime of late                              
To name privates for some head of state.                    
John Major at attention,                                    
Noreaga de-ten-inch-one,                                    
And Michael's is Peter the Great.                           
                                                            
48754 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A prick is a wonderful toy                                  
To be used in a girl or a boy.                              
In a hole warm and tender,                                  
Regardless of gender,                                       
It promises pleasure and joy.                               
                                                            
48755 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



At your service, I'm Engineer Rick;                         
You may think I look pretty thick.                          
But if brawn and not brain                                  
Drives you madly insane,                                    
Take a look at my pump-action dick.                         
                                                            
48756 PENES - ADMIRED                Rick Miles               



Imagine that thing in your pants!                           
I've felt something there when we dance,                    
But how could I know                                        
It was so monstrous, Joe...                                 
Put it in, Man, and give it a chance.                       
                                                            
48757 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim   36      



What has a head, but cannot think,                          
And has an eye, but cannot wink?                            
I'm sure the answer                                         
Is in your pants, sir --                                    
It's not too hard; do you think!                            
                                                            
48758 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



For his concert, a flautist named Kress,                    
Was in such a great hurry to dress,                         
That on a high run                                          
His fly came undone,                                        
And his organ got raves from the Press.                     
                                                            
48759 PENES - ADMIRED                Bluebird                 



Of men's sexual equipment, Miss Sparks                      
Had seen only statues in parks.                             
So when Joe zipped his zipper                               
And presented his flipper,                                  
You can no doubt surmise her remarks!                       
                                                            
48760 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  350      



A much diddled dolly named Thalia                           
Said, "I've noticed in Greece and Australia,                
Peru, Crete, and France,                                    
I find in men's pants                                       
The same kind of nice genitalia.                            
                                                            
48761 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  704      



"See my dick," said Pierre, "and inspect                    
How perfect it stands when erect.                           
The angle it stands                                         
From the root to the glans,                                 
Depends on the action prospect."                            
                                                            
48762 PENES - ADMIRED                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I see by the size of your member,                           
That you were born in September.                            
If I looked at your nose,                                   
I could tell how it goes,                                   
But maybe I will not remember.                              
                                                            
48763 PENES - ADMIRED                MOZOWIN@ICON-STL.NET     



The cock is a wonderful toy                                 
Attached to the bod of a boy.                               
If used just for pissing,                                   
The penis is missing                                        
The wonders of sexual joy.                                  
                                                            
48764 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A prudish young damsel named Pharrow                        
Had a life quite unpleasant and narrow,                     
Till a friend, Peyton Place,                                
Trumped the queen with his ACE,                             
Now she heads for the bed like an arrow.                    
                                                            
48765 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  777      



So much power between your legs!                            
More heady than 20 beer kegs.                               
The power!  The feel!                                       
It's almost unreal!                                         
"Please take me for a ride," she begs.                      
                                                            
48766 PENES - ADMIRED                Bonnie                   



The ladies of this limerick,                                
Were discussing the sizes of dick.                          
If it's long and thin --                                    
It goes too far in --                                       
But a short one that's thick, does the trick.               
                                                            
48767 PENES - ADMIRED                Glen Southhampton        



I must not have seen that survey,                           
I would have had something to say.                          
'Cause hon, size does count,                                
When he goes to mount,                                      
Don't want no short dick man, no way!                       
                                                            
48768 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



A dong, or to some folk a prick.                            
Should be ready, and not miss a trick.                      
Correctly inserted                                          
Upright or inverted,                                        
As you like it, slow, varied or quick.                      
                                                            
48769 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Though this butcher around Punxsatawney                     
Seems to us kind of wizened and scawney,                    
All the ladies adore                                        
Just to visit his store                                     
For a piece of his special baloney.                         
                                                            
48770 PENES - ADMIRED                Keith MacMillan     A103D



I can't help but wonder                                     
If I've made a tactical blunder,                            
In admitting that I                                         
Will stare at a man's fly,                                  
And contemplate the body part under.                        
                                                            
48771 PENES - ADMIRED                Marlene Lewis            



A young lass on a cruise on the Nile                        
Told a boy with a wink and a smile,                         
"You just cannot hide                                       
Your feelings inside,                                       
For you see, they just stick out a mile."                   
                                                            
48772 PENES - ADMIRED                Bill Backe-Hansen   P8802



"My tool is just right," said Foreskin.                     
"It's neither too fat nor too thin.                         
I like it a lot --                                          
It's the best thing I've got,                               
Except for the box it came in."                             
                                                            
48773 PENES - ADMIRED                Neal Wilgus         P8511



All women like cocks thick or thin,                         
Two inchers or those over ten;                              
All gals like their guys,                                   
Regardless of size,                                         
To just have a cock that goes in!                           
                                                            
48774 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



A man who wore three-legged suits                           
Wore only the two standard boots.                           
For the leg in the middle                                   
He used only to diddle,                                     
And drew applause and three-gun salutes.                    
                                                            
48775 PENES - ADMIRED                Anon                     



There was a prim maiden named Campbell,                     
Who got tangled one day in a bramble.                       
She cried, "Ouch, it sticks,                                
But so many great pricks,                                   
Are not met every day on a ramble.                          
                                                            
48776 PENES - ADMIRED                                    L0816



In this lim group, we fellows are fools,                    
With our huffs and our puffs, and our drools;               
Us guys ain't romantic;                                     
We oft' get quite frantic,                                  
'Bout length and the width of our tools!                    
                                                            
48777 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



A romance developed when Rube                               
Exposed his immense picture tube...                         
At the very first glance                                    
Sally's ants did a dance...                                 
How she loves the big tube on the boob!                     
                                                            
48778 PENES - ADMIRED                Grand Prix Lim  330      



At the nude beach at Huntington Cross,                      
Lay a fellow quite hung like a hoss.                        
What he saw with his eyes                                   
Caused his penis to rise,                                   
So the kiddies used him for ring toss.                      
                                                            
48779 PENES - ADMIRED                Jeanie                   



Of this "Trouser Commotion" you speak,                      
Do you mind if I take a wee peek?                           
I have a devotion                                           
To that vibrating motion,                                   
And the havoc that yoyos can wreak.                         
                                                            
48780 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



My stiffie's 'bout eight (so she reckons),                  
And comes when she calls or just beckons.                   
It's silky and thick,                                       
Knows many a trick,                                         
And always demands to have seconds.                         
                                                            
48781 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



When Granny and Pops sat on benches                         
Pops would search trees for finches;                        
But Granny would watch                                      
A jogging guy's crotch,                                     
Delightfully measuring inches.                              
                                                            
48782 PENES - ADMIRED                                         



Addadicktomy I will not seek;                               
Though, then I could stand for a leak.                      
If I had a bone                                             
Of my very own,                                             
I'd have it worn out in a week!                             
                                                            
48783 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



I just want to use my own;                                  
Been doing it since I was grown.                            
It really works great                                       
Out late on a date;                                         
Sowing seeds or when it gets blown!                         
                                                            
48784 PENES - ADMIRED                Jim Weaver Collection    



An intense dick addiction is Dan's,                         
He stands at the piss-trough in cans,                       
And avidly scans                                            
Every man's exposed glans,                                  
While a book on the subject the son of a bitch plans.       
                                                            
48785 PENES - ADMIRED                                    G0950



When a girl has made a good choice,                         
Let us all join in and rejoice!                             
He's nicely discreet,                                       
His cock is so sweet,                                       
And his dick is well known -- a Rolls Royce!                
                                                            
48786 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Ginger                   



There once was a man named Creft,                           
Whose prick was bent to the left.                           
To his girl, Phyllis Bower,                                 
It looked like Pisa's Tower,                                
But it still felt damn good in her cleft!                   
                                                            
48787 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Laurence Craft           



A young sex professor named Dingle                          
Made all the girls' nerve-endings tingle.                   
And his groovy red cock                                     
Caused a grave mental block                                 
In those who preferred to stay single.                      
                                                            
48788 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                       G0312



Caught by the Amazons of Zardon,                            
They all volunteered to stand guard on                      
Their well-hung captive,                                    
So I held them enraptive,                                   
By showing them all of my hardon.                           
                                                            
48789 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   MrMalo                   



Said the Queen to her husband the King,                     
"Your cock is a beautiful thing!                            
Its royal presence                                          
Humbles the peasants,                                       
And causeth the angels to sing!"                            
                                                            
48790 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Writerman                



Peckers, both barren and fertile,                           
Often find fashion a hurdle.                                
Can't make up their mind                                    
As to which they're inclined:                               
Sporting a crew neck or turtle.                             
                                                            
48791 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



I don't want you breaking my toys!                          
You're just like all bad little boys.                       
With parts that change size,                                
You're know you're a prize,                                 
So you brag when your pecker deploys.                       
                                                            
48792 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Marty                    



A mason, who married in Warwick,                            
Had a column decidedly Doric;                               
For the rest of her life                                    
His gratified wife                                          
Was happy, and even euphoric.                               
                                                            
48793 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Harold C Bibby           



A well-endowed lecher of Warwick                            
Left his architect mistress euphoric,                       
"Not because of the size,"                                  
She remarked with surprise,                                 
"But your column -- decidedly Doric!"                       
                                                            
48794 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Hugh Oliver         A105B



I for one would never balk                                  
About showing my bean. You could talk                       
About how it flowers,                                       
And grows by the hours,                                     
Attached to its mighty fine stalk.                          
                                                            
48795 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



Some plants I will pick and collect                         
For a nice flower arrangement effect.                       
Ooh, there's a nice bloom!                                  
'Twill look good in my room;                                
'Tis a Hollyhock, firm and erect.                           
                                                            
48796 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



I once met the girl down the street,                        
Who promised she'd give me a treat.                         
She told me, "Don't waste it;                               
Just allow me to taste it!                                  
It looks like a great piece of meat!"                       
                                                            
48797 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Kaylin Brandon           



The head of a girl's convent school                         
Took all his lessons nude on a stool.                       
The class was enthralled                                    
With the size of his balls,                                 
And the halo surrounding his tool.                          
                                                            
48798 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Anon                     



This feat from old Corinth's historic:                      
A stud there, in moments euphoric,                          
Could build for inspection                                  
A hometown erection,                                        
Then switch from Ionic to Doric.                            
                                                            
48799 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Jim Weaver Collection    



It's true that my cock is quite dumb;                       
And all it can do is just plumb.                            
Though the head's always bigger                             
Than the rest, I still figger                               
It'll find a way to overcome.                               
                                                            
48800 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



There was an old bugger named Bailey                        
Who bragged to his pub-fellows, gaily:                      
"My magical staff                                           
Weighs a pound and a half,                                  
And looks like St. Patrick's shillelagh!"                   
                                                            
48801 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



There was a young lad named Peter,                          
Who screamed, "Ladies please read my meter!                 
It's a hot pink love-muscle,                                
No, Please don't start a tussle,                            
Its temperature is quite a heater."                         
                                                            
48802 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



A vagrant who lived in the park,                            
Had a penis that glowed in the dark.                        
Crowds came to stare                                        
At phenomena so rare,                                       
So they designated him a National Landmark.                 
                                                            
48803 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Puff Adder               



There is no other pecker like mine;                         
The girls say it's simply divine.                           
They all like to ride it                                    
By bouncing astride it;                                     
They love both the size and design.                         
                                                            
48804 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Peter Wilkins            



There was a young man called Grant,                         
Whose willy was shaped like a plant.                        
It wasn't a hydrangea,                                      
But something much stranger!                                
Describe it?  I'm afraid I can't!                           
                                                            
48805 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Jim Weaver Collection    



I wonder sometimes if I should                              
Take pictures of my sweet manhood                           
And post them somewhere                                     
On the internet where                                       
They'd pass for old "Johnny Be Good!"                       
                                                            
48806 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



There was a young fellow named Dick,                        
Who had a magnificent prick.                                
It was shaped like a prism,                                 
And shot so much gism,                                      
He made every cocksucker sick.                              
                                                            
48807 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                       G0843



A poorly-hung fellow was Tucker                             
And no good at all as a fucker.                             
Yet when girls saw his root                                 
They agreed it was cute,                                    
And their lips would invariably pucker.                     
                                                            
48808 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Albin Chaplin   3024-0631



There was a young fellow named Bender                       
With a cock that was quite an ascender.                     
It would gracefully rise                                    
For a few of the guys,                                      
Saluting in radiant splendor.                               
                                                            
48809 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In your breeches a scroggy old sloe,                        
This "Blackthorn" about which you crow?                     
It comes with white clusters...                             
Like spurts from groin thrusters?                           
Does influx of sap make it grow?                            
                                                            
48810 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Tutta Gioia              



You could say I've had plenty of practice                   
With different size spears, but the fact is                 
That there is only one                                      
That'll make this gal come;                                 
It's huge and shaped just like a cactus.                    
                                                            
48811 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



My gnarly old crank ain't a prize,                          
But it's grand in Marylou's eyes.                           
She tells me it's cute                                      
And she won't give a hoot                                   
'Til the day it fails to rise.                              
                                                            
48812 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



There was a young man from Hong Kong,                       
Whose pride was his elegant dong.                           
When girls asked, "Do you use it?"                          
He replied, "Just amuse it,                                 
And you'll get it too much and too long."                   
                                                            
48813 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                       G0360



'Twas the thirteenth, and Friday to boot,                   
When he first wore his new Pucci suit.                      
And before the next morn,                                   
It was tattered and torn,                                   
But his girl thought his root was still cute.               
                                                            
48814 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



When he pops out to wash his wang,                          
The neighbor-wives start to harangue                        
Their lazy old men --                                       
"There's a cutie, again.                                    
I sure wish you had his whizbang!"                          
                                                            
48815 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



What you proposed made me squirm.                           
I do believe there is a term                                
For that quaint little snake                                
That you take out and shake...                              
Willie One-Eye, the Wonderous Worm.                         
                                                            
48816 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE   Jeanie                   



Though seldom too soft or too pliant,                       
Sweet Peter's dong is a giant.                              
It earns our regard,                                        
That yard of hard bard...                                   
But is it Y2K compliant?                                    
                                                            
48817 PENES - ADMIRED - DECORATIVE                            



A proud cocksman from old Aberdeen,                         
Buffed his dickhead to get a nice sheen.                    
"I want it looking dapper                                   
Sliding past her piss flappers,                             
That's why they call me Mr. Clean!"                         
                                                            
48818 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Cruelty Jones            



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
Sister Phyllis was heard to remark "He's                    
A big lad!  I hope                                          
He won't mind a quick grope..."                             
But she found that the bulge was his car keys.              
                                                            
48819 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      CeeJay                   



There once was a man named Schwartz                         
Whose dick was covered in warts.                            
But the girls did play                                      
With his dick every day,                                    
'Cause good old Schwartz, he came in quarts.                
                                                            
48820 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Jim Weaver Collection    



And for all you "advanced" dirty minds,                     
The dong that works is sure mine.                           
I've not yet controlled it,                                 
But wish you'd come hold it;                                
I think that would be just divine.                          
                                                            
48821 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED                               



My crank is so fine, they can't stand it.                   
In fact, up in Boston, they've banned it.                   
The damn thing draws bitches                                
Like scratches to itches;                                   
Therefore, I but rarely unhand it.                          
                                                            
48822 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED                               



Just look at the end of your dick.                          
Girls like them both long and so thick.                     
She may be a bit rough                                      
With that S and M stuff,                                    
But you'll find that she don't miss a trick.                
                                                            
48823 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a man from Southend                          
Whose penis had shrunk at the end.                          
But when he undressed,                                      
All the girls were impressed,                               
As he stroked it to make it extend.                         
                                                            
48824 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Anon                     



There was a young lady from Gloucester.                     
Who wanted a child she could foster.                        
She found a young boy                                       
And played with his toy;                                    
The boy is now first on her roster.                         
                                                            
48825 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      R Rezel                  



She opened his zipper to feel it,                           
And his trousers fell down to reveal it.                    
She said, "I must eat                                       
This banana so sweet,                                       
But first I believe I should peel it."                      
                                                            
48826 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Albin Chaplin   3024-1259



There was an old fellow called Bailey,                      
Who sported a well-used shillelagh;                         
When asked by a girl                                        
As to what made it curl,                                    
He replied that he fondled it daily.                        
                                                            
48827 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Jim Weaver Collection    



My love Marylou's quite a flirt;                            
Loves to tease my best friend, Big Bert.                    
Once, out having dinner                                     
She pulled out his weiner,                                  
And fondled it during dessert!                              
                                                            
48828 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED                               



Said the daughter to mother, "Some slick                    
Put his hand in my panties, real quick,                     
And he fondled my twat,                                     
But I fixed the young snot,                                 
When I fondled the knob on his prick."                      
                                                            
48829 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Albin Chaplin   3024-1904



Frankie and Johnny were lovers,                             
Especially under the covers.                                
When she pulled out his trigger                             
She said, "Mmm, what a frigger!                             
But it makes so many girls mothers."                        
                                                            
48830 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED                          L0937



"My dick," said a fellow named Weems,                       
"Has a mind of its own, so it seems.                        
It likes to stand up                                        
And beg like a pup,                                         
And when it is tickled, it creams."                         
                                                            
48831 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Limericks Naughty & Gay  



In a men's room somewhere in this land,                     
A sign over the urinal doth stand.                          
"Right here in this place,                                  
The future of our race,                                     
You're holding right now in your hand."                     
                                                            
48832 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Jeff Wisnia              



There was a young man of Belgravia,                         
Who cared neither for God nor his Savior.                   
He walked down the Strand, (He walked 'round Times Square)  
With his cock in his hand, (With exposed derriere,)         
And was had up for indecent behavior.                       
                                                            
48833 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Norman Douglas      L1374



That "tossing" of course is quite wrong                     
For it should have been "tossed" (like my dong              
Was on Saturday night,                                      
When young Kay with delight                                 
Said "Let's see what you've got in your thong.")            
                                                            
48834 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED                               



There once was a girl from Kentucky,                        
Who considered herself very lucky.                          
She'd unzip the fly                                         
Of any old guy,                                             
And never found one that was yucky.                         
                                                            
48835 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Don                      



There was a young tutor, most wise,                         
Who loved to feel cock, just for size.                      
At every school dance,                                      
He'd unzip the boys' pants;                                 
They nicknamed him Lord of the Flies.                       
                                                            
48836 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Donald Dimock            



The young fortuneteller, Miss Millie                        
Finds reading the hand somewhat silly.                      
She has much more success,                                  
When she starts to caress,                                  
The veins on your membrum virile.                           
                                                            
48837 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Albin Chaplin            



My passion, now you have ignited;                           
You've got me so very excited.                              
It would be my pleasure                                     
Your pecker to measure,                                     
But you misbehave and I'll bite it!                         
                                                            
48838 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Michelle                 



A Lolita from near Anacorties                               
Had a preference for men in their forties;                  
And measured at leisure                                     
The length of each pleasure,                                
From tip to the curlies and shorties.                       
                                                            
48839 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Hugh Oliver         A120A



Women often indulge in the wish,                            
That men only do when they fish.                            
How this wonderworm                                         
May be only a sperm,                                        
But the one got away was a dish!                            
                                                            
48840 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Dennis Hammes            



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
I ran my hand over his fly - He's                           
Disadvantaged, you know.                                    
Very little to show!                                        
And that bulge was his spare set of car keys!               
                                                            
48841 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Jim Weaver Collection    



My cock is a wonderful sight;                               
The ladies just swoon with delight.                         
Some men feel so blue                                       
At the things I can do,                                     
They jack themselves off, out of sight.                     
                                                            
48842 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Jim Weaver Collection    



This flute of yours sure is amazing;                        
I touched it - and look: It is raising!                     
I have seen much and more,                                  
Nothing like this before --                                 
What a strange but so cute little play-thing.               
                                                            
48843 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED                               



"Hey nurse!", cried the surgeon, "I say --                  
Will you stop that! - it's not yours to play                
With.  So what if it quivers                                
And gives you the shivers;                                  
For god's sake now put it away!"                            
                                                            
48844 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED                               



There was a young girl named Consuela                       
Who worked as a gentleman's tailor;                         
She'd size up the guys                                      
With a flash of her eyes                                    
And a feel of their measurements scalar.                    
                                                            
48845 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Peter Wilkins            



Then a mathematician did pounce                             
On Consuela; he made her buns bounce.;                      
"The heat of the meat                                       
Is a scalar to beat;                                        
How you vector is what really counts."                      
                                                            
48846 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Allen Wolverton          



Consuela, while fitting my thong,                           
Impromptu, broke out into song.                             
"There will be no charge                                    
For something this large,"                                  
She warbled, "Good buy and so long"                         
                                                            
48847 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Travis Brasell           



I wonder, dear ladies, just where                           
You're most ticklish.  A survey, I swear;                   
Not for personal gain,                                      
And to make it quite plain,                                 
I reveal I'm most ticklish THERE!                           
                                                            
48848 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Peter Wilkins            



A gal chased a young man named Roger;                       
He tried, but he couldn't dodge her.                        
With a hand in his pants,                                   
She reached for his lance,                                  
He blushed as his todger grew larger.                       
                                                            
48849 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Kaylin                   



When checking, my tailor Miss Pease,                        
While fiddling about on her knees,                          
Cried, "It's right in the middle!                           
I'll give it a twiddle                                      
And rub it against my chemise!"                             
                                                            
48850 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Tutta Gioa               



A hillbilly from old West Virginia,                         
By the name of Peter Gosinya,                               
Was exposing his glans,                                     
With both of his hands,                                     
Saying, "Just like a 'possum, I'll skin ya'."               
                                                            
48851 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Oddo Von Schlong    T9801



An anatomy student named Dot                                
Kissed her boyfriend to get him real hot.                   
Then unzipped his fly                                       
And stammered "Oh My!                                       
What a large ventral forelimb you've got!"                  
                                                            
48852 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Michael Weinstein   P8601



The female reporter, Miss Dix,                              
Used all her wiles and her tricks                           
To get news, I presume,                                     
In the men's locker room,                                   
Where she fondled the winning team's pricks.                
                                                            
48853 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Albin Chaplin   3024-1848



There once was a man from South Ealing,                     
Who found his prick highly appealing.                       
But not to feel dumb,                                       
He made his hand numb,                                      
So 'twas like someone else doing feeling.                   
                                                            
48854 PENES - ADMIRED - HANDLED      Laura                    



I hail from the shire of Argyll;                            
I've traveled for many a mile                               
Through Ireland and Scotland,                               
And Teatland and Twatland.                                  
Your daughters I soon shall defile.                         
                                                            
48855 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      H Welchel                



The 'Blackthorn' I keep in my britches,                     
As lesson to police it teaches.                             
They slander my name,                                       
And coarsely defame,                                        
While deep in their arsehole it reaches.                    
                                                            
48856 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      H Welchel                



In Reekie one lass was in awe --                            
In Blackthorn a wee bairn she saw --                        
She ripped off my sheath                                    
And spat through her teeth.                                 
And then she cried "Bare up -- Go raw!"                     
                                                            
48857 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      H Welchel                



Eight inches from bulb-eye to root,                         
When primed, cocked and ready to shoot.                     
A muscular beast                                            
Awaiting your feast,                                        
And a six inch circumference to boot.                       
                                                            
48858 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



Last year it featured at Cannes                             
In the movie of "Look Mom, No Hands"                        
It took second prize                                        
For texture and size;                                       
I've set up a club for its fans.                            
                                                            
48859 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



"Look, Daddy!" said Mary, "At Spot!"                        
Poor Dad felt his face getting hot,                         
But before he could think                                   
She said, "See Dad, it's pink,                              
And slippery, which Johnny's is not!"                       
                                                            
48860 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      John Miller              



For someone who's so very young,                            
What Mary said next really stung:                           
"Look Daddy, that trick                                     
Of Spot's with his dick!                                    
Well Johnny does that with his tongue!"                     
                                                            
48861 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Travis Brasell           



We revisit the man from Devises,                            
With testicles of different sizes.                          
We women don't care                                         
If his balls are a pair,                                    
It's the bit in the middle we prizes!                       
                                                            
48862 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



How true, the gem's in the middle,                          
And with it we just love to fiddle!                         
First with our mouth,                                       
Then further south,                                         
In OUR middle we place it to diddle!                        
                                                            
48863 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



But what of those well shaped large plums                   
Upon which a tender gal strums?                             
The species would cease                                     
'Cause into your crease                                     
He'd be shooting blanks when he comes.                      
                                                            
48864 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Frank Fazed              



I know that would really be fun                             
To screw so no baby's begun.                                
But don't castrate yet,                                     
On the chance that I'll get                                 
A broad-shouldered, tall, strapping son.                    
                                                            
48865 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Frank Fazed              



She said: "What I'd like in my box,                         
Is a nice juicy handfull of cocks.                          
And if I want more,                                         
I'll go down to the shore,                                  
And pick some more up on the docks.                         
                                                            
48866 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Now you introduced me to Flo,                               
She was certainly eager to show                             
Me her golden delicious...                                  
But boy, she was vicious,                                   
As my bright orange pippins still glow.                     
                                                            
48867 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



I'd never be that daft or silly;                            
I like my boobs plain flat -- not frilly.                   
If you were a sleuth,                                       
You'd know that the truth                                   
Is I want a double D willy!                                 
                                                            
48868 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES                               



If you want a man well endowed,                             
Then watch me stand out from the crowd.                     
This magnificent pole's                                     
Widened many a hole...                                      
Forgot you prefer to be plowed.                             
                                                            
48869 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES                               



A plowing is not what I need.                               
I have got a furrow, indeed;                                
I've had it for years                                       
And now it appears                                          
The crop has all just gone to seed!                         
                                                            
48870 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES                               



Cute Linda will stand by the fence                          
And watch when the stallions commence                       
To hang out their dongs;                                    
She cries, "Wrong of wrongs;                                
Nine inches on men makes no sense."                         
                                                            
48871 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Travis Brasell           



I wouldn't find anything wrong,                             
If men had nine inches of dong.                             
I haven't to date                                           
Eyewitnessed an eight;                                      
Sized seven, I'd break out in song.                         
                                                            
48872 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Goin2later               



Although you think six-and-a-tenth                          
Is quite meagre, an average length,                         
Anatomically speaking,                                      
You're better off seeking                                   
Circumference, stiffness and strength.                      
                                                            
48873 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Peter Wilkins            



I'll demonstrate, so -- you may view it                     
As meagre, but grab it and chew it;                         
You'll find that my gland                                   
Gets too wide for your hand;                                
You'll be eager to straddle and screw it.                   
                                                            
48874 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Peter Wilkins            



She said, "Trouser trout are boss.                          
Smothered shorts and I'm at a loss                          
To find something better,                                   
That can make me wetter,                                    
And they come with their own tartar sauce!"                 
                                                            
48875 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES                               



So in a twinkle and wink of an eye,                         
I reached down and unzipped my fly.                         
With lust she was mad,                                      
And said she'd be glad                                      
To give Moby Dick a try!                                    
                                                            
48876 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES                               



One thing you can do as a boy,                              
On your own in the bath, is enjoy                           
Playing "periscopes" (though                                
With a lady it's so                                         
Much more fun for your favorite toy).                       
                                                            
48877 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES                               



"Ahoy, skipper! Look at that land                           
Ahead shaped like a mammary gland                           
With a nipple." And lo                                      
And behold in a mo-                                         
Ment your periscope comes to a stand.                       
                                                            
48878 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES                               



McDonald the Scot, a whorehounder,                          
Engaged a slut just to confound her.                        
She stood him a-tilt,                                       
Reached under his kilt,                                     
And found there a hot quarter-pounder!                      
                                                            
48879 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      H Welchel                



Forthwith, his mac bloomed long and round --                
Tuminescently over two pound!                               
She said, "Does this raise                                  
Come with mayonnaise?"                                      
Indeed is spewed quarts, and she drowned.                   
                                                            
48880 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      H Welchel                



In Belgium, just south-east of Bruges,                      
Lives a peasant whose penis is huge.                        
He whirls it and twirls it,                                 
Then curls and unfurls it,                                  
And attends to the end with some rouge.                     
                                                            
48881 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl who resided in Ghent                                 
Went to visit this fabulous gent.                           
He showed it, she stroked it,                               
She rode it, he poked it.                                   
She drooled at his tool -- then he went.                    
                                                            
48882 PENES - ADMIRED - ZSERIES      Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow from Huntington Station                            
Was the cause of a lively sensation...                      
He got many a bunt                                          
With a sign on his front:                                   
"IT'S AVAILABLE FOR PROCREATION."                           
                                                            
48883 PENES - ADORNED                Grand Prix Lim  327      



We'd read that whipped cream is devine,                     
So my partner spread lots onto mine,                        
But I shrank from the task                                  
When I heard "Baked Alask-                                  
a", for that's where I still draw the line!                 
                                                            
48884 PENES - ADORNED                John Miller 0260         



An ingenious young fellow named Herman,                     
Tied a bow on the end of his worm, and                      
His wife said, "How festive!",                              
But he said, "Don't be restive--                            
You'll wriggle it off with your squirmin'."                 
                                                            
48885 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1435



When I was a baby, my penis                                 
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.                      
But now 'tis as red                                         
As her nipples instead --                                   
All because of the feminine genus!                          
                                                            
48886 PENES - ADORNED                                    L0213



The tool of the Bishop of Truro                             
Was a rich colorado maduro.                                 
And the real cognoscenta      (His balls hung much lower)   
Said his balls were magenta,  (And dragged on the floor,)   
Shot through with chiaroscuro.                              
(And sometimes rolled under the bureau.)                    
48887 PENES - ADORNED                Dana Thompson       G0474



There was a young man of Naragansett                        
Who colored his prick to enhance it.                        
But the girls were afraid,                                  
That ere they got laid,                                     
'Twould lose all its color in transit.                      
                                                            
48888 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1497



Said an artist of fame from Anoka,                          
"Yes, I color my weapon with ochre,                         
'Cause my wife's, so to speak,                              
A banana-mad freak,                                         
And she fancies it is, when I poke her."                    
                                                            
48889 PENES - ADORNED                Hugh Oliver         A066A



There once was a lass name of Shannon,                      
Quite impressed with the size of Sam's cannon.              
She liked to get kinky                                      
And cover his dinky                                         
With Yoghurt (usually Dannon.)                              
                                                            
48890 PENES - ADORNED                Mac                      



There was a young lady named Hicks,                         
Who delighted to play with men's pricks.                    
Which she would embellish                                   
With evident relish,                                        
And make them stand up and do tricks.                       
                                                            
48891 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1437



A peculiar young man of Detroit                             
Was agreed to be quite maladroit.                           
After doughnuts and tea                                     
He would relish a pee,                                      
With a ring on his thing, like a quoit.                     
                                                            
48892 PENES - ADORNED                Keith MacMillan     A065B



A young handyman from Biloxi                                
Tried coating his tool with epoxy.                          
In practice he found,                                       
Though his theory was sound,                                
It was rather like screwing by proxy.                       
                                                            
48893 PENES - ADORNED                John Ciardi              



There was an old gent of Kentuck,                           
Who boasted a filigreed schmuck.                            
But he put it away                                          
For fear that one day,                                      
He might put it in and get stuck.                           
                                                            
48894 PENES - ADORNED                                    L0180



A Scottish inventor McKean,                                 
Has invented a fucking machine.                             
It was fixed to the cock                                    
With a nice little lock,                                    
And was very easy to clean.                                 
                                                            
48895 PENES - ADORNED                                         



You don't say what gender you're friend is;                 
It does matter -- even for the trendies.                    
If he's the right type,                                     
Put a flag on his pipe;                                     
At least he will know where his end is.                     
                                                            
48896 PENES - ADORNED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A hopeful young fellow from Harrow,                         
Once feathered his cock like an arrow.                      
"There's room for improvement,"                             
Said his girl, "in the movement.                            
Make it flutter about like a sparrow."                      
                                                            
48897 PENES - ADORNED                                         



There was a young man of Siam                               
Who went to a ball dressed as Spam.                         
Utterly whimsical,                                          
He tried to be quimsical,                                   
And wore frills 'round his tool like a ham.                 
                                                            
48898 PENES - ADORNED                                    G2503



A French chef who worked in Bombay,                         
Hadn't bathed for a year and a day.                         
His joint, if you please,                                   
Was full of head cheese,                                    
So he used it to make gratinee.                             
                                                            
48899 PENES - ADORNED                Puff Adder               



There was an Italian named Marc,                            
Who pissed one night in the park.                           
But the cops caught the peasant;                            
His dong was fluorescent,                                   
And glowed like a torch in the dark.                        
                                                            
48900 PENES - ADORNED                                    G0399



There was a young fellow named Morgan                       
Who possessed an unusual organ.                             
The end of his dong,                                        
Which was nine inches long,                                 
Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.                       
                                                            
48901 PENES - ADORNED                                    L0199



There was a young fellow of Kings                           
Whose pecker had sprouted some wings.                       
When there blew a slight breeze                             
It would take off with ease                                 
And go off on a lark and such things.                       
                                                            
48902 PENES - ADORNED                Albin Chaplin   3024-0503



To Angels let us thanks extend.                             
Who else but Angels would append                            
On each new born boy                                        
His greatest source of joy,                                 
And put a halo at the end.                                  
                                                            
48903 PENES - ADORNED                Irving Superior     P8601



There was a young fellow of Ur,                             
Whose pecker was covered with fur.                          
He delighted to stroke it,                                  
To pat it and poke it,                                      
For the pleasure of hearing it purr.                        
                                                            
48904 PENES - ADORNED                                    G2152



An Indian of old Fort Duquesne                              
Had the oddest dork every seen:                             
It sparkled at night                                        
Like the light of a sprite,                                 
And after the ream turned to green.                         
                                                            
48905 PENES - ADORNED                                    G0975



Veni, Vedi, Vici,                                           
A Roman girl, who was peachy,                               
Now the juice from her hole                                 
Has dried on my pole,                                       
And Man! That sucker is eetchy.                             
                                                            
48906 PENES - ADORNED                John Chastaine           



The use as key holder object,                               
Makes penis a tool incorrect.                               
To stop ring slipping,                                      
Requires much lipping,                                      
To help keep the durn thing erect!                          
                                                            
48907 PENES - ADORNED                Chris Papa               



There once was a fairy named Avers,                         
Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.                     
Though homos all claimed,                                   
Their asses were maimed,                                    
Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.                   
                                                            
48908 PENES - ADORNED                                    G0930



A highly aesthetic young Jew                                
Had eyes of a heavenly blue.                                
The end of his dilly                                        
Was shaped like a lily,                                     
And his balls were too utterly two!                         
                                                            
48909 PENES - ADORNED                                    L0177



Single male from East Millenocket,                          
With a member shaped like a rocket,                         
Seeks female with a rear                                    
Built like the space station Mir,                           
And a port into which he can dock it!                       
                                                            
48910 PENES - ADORNED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow of Barrow,                         
Whose whang-bone was lacking in marrow.                     
To accomplish a rape,                                       
He wound it in tape,                                        
And feathered the shaft like an arrow.                      
                                                            
48911 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1372



There was a young artist called Nicky,                      
Who wanted to paint Jason's dicky.                          
But the strokes, smooth and light,                          
Really did him excite,                                      
And he finished and made her all sticky.                    
                                                            
48912 PENES - ADORNED                Tiddy Ogg                



A Manhattan cabbie named Rourke                             
Has a clever design on his dork:                            
When he gives it a feel                                     
It expands to reveal                                        
And excellent map of New York.                              
                                                            
48913 PENES - ADORNED                Chuck Davis         P9408



There was a young fellow of Wick                            
Who found a red mark on his prick.                          
He got such a shock,                                        
He went to the doc,                                         
Who said it was only lipstick.                              
                                                            
48914 PENES - ADORNED                                         



His orange dick had made him unstable--                     
"Doctor, please help if you're able!"                       
"There's no sore or decay--                                 
How to you spend your day?"                                 
"I eat Cheetos and watch the porn cable!"                   
                                                            
48915 PENES - ADORNED                Doug from Upland    T9707



There was a young artist named Drew                         
Who painted his screw a light blue.                         
Whe he finished the work,                                   
He said with a smirk,                                       
"Now I've got a reply to 'What's NEW?'!"                    
                                                            
48916 PENES - ADORNED                Grand Prix Lim  434      



A colorful fellow was Joe;                                  
His prick was as black as a crow,                           
So he painted it white                                      
But it didn't look right,                                   
For young Joe was a Negro, you know.                        
                                                            
48917 PENES - ADORNED                Albin Chaplin   3024-0493



An eccentric young man of Ontaria,                          
Once announced to his genital varia,                        
"I have knitted this red                                    
Woolly snood for the head,                                  
With a pocket for each of the pairia."                      
                                                            
48918 PENES - ADORNED                Keith MacMillan       53a



If any good lady is sitting                                 
On wool that's unwanted, try knitting                       
A warmer for willy                                          
(It's turning quite chilly).                                
I'm free any time for a fitting.                            
                                                            
48919 PENES - ADORNED                Peter Wilkins            



If your willy is cold,                                      
Why don't you try something more bold?                      
If she's got warm hands,                                    
And mammary glands,                                         
You have something that she can hold.                       
                                                            
48920 PENES - ADORNED                Marty                    



When I went off to work it was chilly;                      
The temperature shriveled my willy.                         
I can't take the chance                                     
With your hand down my pants                                
When I work -- it's illegal and silly.                      
                                                            
48921 PENES - ADORNED                Peter Wilkins            



So a small wooly coat will you knit                         
For my willy? I think it will fit.                          
If you shut your eyes tight                                 
And imagine it. Right?                                      
And account for expansion a bit.                            
                                                            
48922 PENES - ADORNED                Peter Wilkins            



I think what he wants is a glove                            
To cover his "muscle of love".                              
I'd knit little fingers,                                    
So the feeling lingers';                                    
Such warm gloves are not unheard of.                        
                                                            
48923 PENES - ADORNED                Marty                    



Is what you'll require to fit                               
A warm coat for your willy bit?                             
Then what I would do                                        
Is rib-knit for you                                         
A pattern that's one purl, one knit.                        
                                                            
48924 PENES - ADORNED                Marty                    



There was a young lady named Kotter                         
Whose boyfriend grew hotter and hotter.                     
He covered his root                                         
With tropical fruit,                                        
And slipped her his Penis-Colada.                           
                                                            
48925 PENES - ADORNED                Michael Weinstein   P8601



The dong of the Dean of McGill,                             
Was adorned with a porcupine quill.                         
"It looks odd," he agreed,                                  
"But the thing's guaranteed                                 
To provide an additional thrill."                           
(To give the most frigid a thrill.")                        
48926 PENES - ADORNED                                    G0391



A fantastic young Prince of Sirocco,                        
Had erotical penchants roccoco.                             
The prick of this Prince                                    
Was flavored with quince,                                   
And he seasoned his semen with cocoa.                       
(I can prove God is not a woman - McW)                      
48927 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1537



For screwing, a fellow of Leeds                             
No jelly could find for his needs.                          
So he said, "Well, by damn,                                 
I'll try raspberry jam."                                    
And his foreskin got jammed with the seeds.                 
                                                            
48928 PENES - ADORNED                Albin Chaplin   3024-0516



The prick of a young man of Kew,                            
Showed veins that were azure of hue.                        
Its head was quite red                                      
So he waved it and said,                                    
"Three cheers for the red, white, and blue."                
                                                            
48929 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1455



If you get a ring through your cock,                        
You will probably receive a rude shock.                     
It will get pus'sy and hairy,                               
And might look quite scary,                                 
So cover it up with a sock.                                 
                                                            
48930 PENES - ADORNED                Thunderwing              



Young Olivia found a new suitor,                            
Who admired the rings on her hooter.                        
The boys name was Rick,                                     
With propellor on dick;                                     
She called him her own Roto-Rooter.                         
                                                            
48931 PENES - ADORNED                Puff Adder               



The Vizier of Stamboul, a Turk,                             
Had an emerald hilt on his dirk.                            
But his dong set with rubies                                
Drove crazy the pubes                                       
Of ladies who lightened his work.                           
                                                            
48932 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1550



There once was a guy from Tajik,                            
Who loved to be wearing lipstick.                           
It was not so bad                                           
Until this poor lad                                         
Began painting smiles on his dick.                          
                                                            
48933 PENES - ADORNED                Marlene                  



There was a young hayseed from Tiffan,                      
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.                        
This knob out in front,                                     
Attracted foul cunt                                         
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.                     
                                                            
48934 PENES - ADORNED                                    L0247



The cock of a fellow named Randall,                         
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle.                        
He was much in demand,                                      
For the colors were grand,                                  
But the girls found him too hot to handle.                  
                                                            
48935 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1521



A beautiful lady named Psyche                               
Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.                            
One thing about Ike                                         
The lady can't like                                         
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.                   
                                                            
48936 PENES - ADORNED                                    L0220



While they dined at the Waldorf, McGill                     
Planned his conquest with cunning and skill.                
He unzipped, wrapped a ten                                  
Round his manhood, and then                                 
Told his date she'd be stuck with the bill!                 
                                                            
48937 PENES - ADORNED                                         



There was an Old Person of Tring,                           
Who embellished his thing with a ring;                      
He howled at the moon                                       
Every evening in June --                                    
The result of new growth in the spring.                     
                                                            
48938 PENES - ADORNED                Edwardian Leer 104       



There was a young fellow named Chick,                       
Who fancied himself rather slick.                           
He went to a ball                                           
Dressed in nothing at all,                                  
But a big velvet bow 'round his prick.                      
                                                            
48939 PENES - ADORNED                                    L1387



While crossing the street, Mr. Decker                       
Was struck by a fast-moving wrecker.                        
Though his face was all fuzz                                
They could tell who he was                                  
By the wart on the end of his pecker.                       
                                                            
48940 PENES - ADORNED                Albin Chaplin   3-24-2011



Whipped cream is okay, so is butter,                        
If you're smearing it over your putter.                     
You don't have to heat it                                   
If she's going to eat it,                                   
Or are you planning new ways to rut her?                    
                                                            
48941 PENES - ADORNED                SCSaint                  



I met an exotic Walloon                                     
Whose penis he loved to festoon                             
With musical notes,                                         
Poetical quotes,                                            
And a beautiful bright red balloon.                         
                                                            
48942 PENES - ADORNED                Jim Weaver Collection    



When Tom looks down at his tattoo,                          
He'll either see a smudge of blue                           
Or else there will appear                                   
Those seven numbers clear                                   
Then telephone his girlfriend, Sue.                         
                                                            
48943 PENES - ADORNED                Irving Superior     P8601



A queer mate from Out-back Australia                        
Was obsessed by his own genitalia;                          
He would let it hang out                                    
As he went Walk-About,                                      
With a prick boutonniere of azalea.                         
                                                            
48944 PENES - ADORNED                Ann Gasser          P8909



At his wedding a young man named Bing                       
Was arrested for flashing his thing.                        
But the judge understands,                                  
That poor Bing has no hands,                                
So where else could he wear the ring?                       
                                                            
48945 PENES - ADORNED                Phil T                   



A husband who lived in Tiberias                             
Once laughed himself nearly delirious.                      
But he laughed at his wife,                                 
Who took a sharp knife                                      
With results that were quite deleterious.                   
(published 1967, before Bobbitry became popular)            
48946 PENES - BOBBITT                W S Baring-Gold          



A woman should not have to share                            
Her man with a cow or a mare.                               
'Cause girls love their fellas                              
And sometimes get jealous                                   
And then, boys, you better beware!                          
                                                            
48947 PENES - BOBBITT                Observer                 



'Cause women are known to be vicious,                       
Then they will get mad and malicious,                       
And while you are sleeping,                                 
They'll softly come creeping,                               
And do things, to you, quite pernicious!                    
                                                            
48948 PENES - BOBBITT                Observer                 



Does Loreena B. ring a bell?                                
A name that all men should know well!                       
An ill-treated wife                                         
Who wielded a knife,                                        
And thus, errant actions did quell.                         
                                                            
48949 PENES - BOBBITT                Observer                 



A gal can become cold and callous,                          
Heart filled with resentment and malice,                    
And you'll wake up some day,                                
Find that she's gone away                                   
To live with her momma in Dallas.                           
                                                            
48950 PENES - BOBBITT                Observer                 



When the dick that she sliced from the lug                  
Was thrown from her car with an 'ugh',                      
Said a monk to a nun                                        
On whose windshield it spun,                                
"Did you notice the cock on that bug?"                      
                                                            
48951 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



I often reflect about John Bobbit;                          
He'd not listen when she said to stop it.                   
With one sharp knife,                                       
She changed his life.                                       
Wonder what he thought after she chopped it?                
                                                            
48952 PENES - BOBBITT                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Manassas,                         
Who was fond of sleeping with lasses.                       
His wife had enough,                                        
So she chopped off his stuff.                               
Now let's see him try to make passes.                       
                                                            
48953 PENES - BOBBITT                Jim Weaver Collection    



Sweet Lorena did not use precision,                         
The darkness, she said, hindered vision.                    
She jumped on the divan                                     
And gave husband John,                                      
An un-volunteered circumcision.                             
                                                            
48954 PENES - BOBBITT                Kevin Theis              



When the dick that she sliced from the lug,                 
Was thrown from her car with an 'ugh',                      
Said a monk to a nun                                        
On whose windshield it spun,                                
"Did  you notice the cock on that bug?"                     
                                                            
48955 PENES - BOBBITT                Hugh Clary               



The legend of Bobbitt is growing.                           
It's a story well worth the knowing.                        
He offended his wife,                                       
So she took up her knife,                                   
And put an end to his coming and going.                     
                                                            
48956 PENES - BOBBITT                Larry Meekma             



Now, ladies, you needn't be coy.                            
Since Lorena lobbed off her boy's toy,                      
The news made it popular,                                   
To name the tool copular;                                   
It's a household word now to enjoy.                         
                                                            
48957 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



It's not sinful to hit a few bars                           
And to drink beer 'til the pre-dawn hours,                  
But he lurched to his bed                                   
With sheer lust in his head.                                
When he meets a new gal, now he cowers.                     
                                                            
48958 PENES - BOBBITT                Harold                   



John Bobbitt did love his beer.                             
And then he went home with a leer.                          
He grabbed his wife,                                        
There was some strife,                                      
And then she cut off all his gear!                          
                                                            
48959 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 7                    



A penisectomy shouted with glee,                            
To the news of John's severed PeePee.                       
He would not be alone,                                      
Wishing he had a bone,                                      
For another was Dickless as he.                             
                                                            
48960 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



There once was a woman named Bobbitt,                       
Whose husband had an abusive habit.                         
"He is such a meanie,                                       
I'll cut off his weenie,                                    
Then drive down the road and just lob it."                  
                                                            
48961 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 7                    



Eventually the judge got a jury;                            
When Loreena was found near Missouri,                       
Police found John's member,                                 
In a field near some timber,                                
And doctors said, John, we can cure thee!"                  
                                                            
48962 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 3                    



John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff,                       
For it seems the judgments's been soft.                     
He's been retrofitted                                       
And now he's acquitted.                                     
That's the last time he ever gets off.                      
                                                            
48963 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



Lorena reacted quite bitterly                               
When John failed to service her clitorally.                 
Though he got a reprieve,                                   
When his tool was retrieved,                                
When John jerks off now, it is literally.                   
                                                            
48964 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 10                   



In John's bedroom, two ladies did mob it,                   
Then proceeded with snatches to swab it.                    
His dear wife, unaware,                                     
Yelled, "Is anyone there?"                                  
And she swears that she heard him say, "Bobbit".            
                                                            
48965 PENES - BOBBITT                Al Chaplin          P9403



This story is just so much flotsam,                         
Appealing to those who are rotten.                          
I know that don't rhyme                                     
But I don't have the time.                                  
As a journalist, you have hit bottom.                       
                                                            
48966 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



"My prowess," said John, "You can't match it.               
My tool (and I don't mean a ratchet),                       
Made the ladies so glad,                                    
But Lorena got mad.                                         
I hope that they can reattach it."                          
                                                            
48967 PENES - BOBBITT                Chris Rindos             



That surgery done by Ms Bobbitt                             
Involved both the shaft and the nob.  It                    
Was for him a big loss                                      
And it made her quite cross;                                
She'd only intended to bob it.                              
                                                            
48968 PENES - BOBBITT                Norm                     



Big John Bobbit might have been hipper,                     
Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper.                  
But to his wifey's dismay,                                  
Big John leaped to the fray,                                
The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper.             
                                                            
48969 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



At the hospital, we find poor John;                         
Says a doc, who we'll call Dr. Vaughn;                      
"The way that we figure,                                    
Your penis will be bigger,                                  
But you must keep the Band-Aids on.                         
                                                            
48970 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 3                    



John Bobbitt was a bit too cocky,                           
And his marriage grew ever more rocky.                      
Now it's true, I swear,                                     
That in terms of underwear,                                 
He wears stitches, not boxers or jockeys.                   
                                                            
48971 PENES - BOBBITT                Peter Kendall            



There once was a guy named Brock,                           
Whose wife had lopped off his cock.                         
He had angered his bride,                                   
So it's in formaldehyde,                                    
And now Brock keeps his cock under lock.                    
                                                            
48972 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



His technique, Oh Boy!, it was brutal!                      
To retrain him, she knew, would be futile.                  
So she aimed for the tip,                                   
But the blade it did slip,                                  
And cut off the whole kit and caboodle.                     
                                                            
48973 PENES - BOBBITT                A. H.                    



Miss Bobbit once got pretty sick                            
And the driver said "get out" real quick;                   
Pushed her straight out the door                            
For there on the floor,                                     
Was the remains of a rather large prick.                    
                                                            
48974 PENES - BOBBITT                Michelle                 



There once was a place in Virginia,                         
Where a gal snipped it off like a zinnia.                   
She whipped back the sheets,                                
Ignored his sad bleats,                                     
And attacked like a professional ninja.                     
                                                            
48975 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



There once was a cheater named Bobbitt.                     
His wife said, "His manhood, I'll rob it.                   
I'll get a sharp knife,                                     
And end his sex life,                                       
And into the bushes, I'll lob it."                          
                                                            
48976 PENES - BOBBITT                Chris Rindos             



There once was a lady named Bobbitt,                        
Whose hubby just wasn't a HOBBIT;                           
She snipped off his "thing"                                 
And in a car, took wing,                                    
Looking for land fill to lob it.                            
                                                            
48977 PENES - BOBBITT                Chris Papa               



Oh Lorena Bobbit, just look                                 
At the unrest in  connubial nook,                           
Since you first cut short                                   
Your offending sport,                                       
And escaped the law's mighty hook.                          
                                                            
48978 PENES - BOBBITT                Chris Papa               



There once was a lady named Bobbitt,                        
Who got so fed up that she lopped it.                       
She said, "I'm sorry , honey,                               
But your conduct's not funny,"                              
And she very efficiently stopped it.                        
                                                            
48979 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



A young man from Virtualand,                                
Traded life for a gold wedding band.                        
He signed onto the net;                                     
His betrothed got upset,                                    
And she lopped off his link @ the &.                        
                                                            
48980 PENES - BOBBITT                Jim Weaver Collection    



Big John was a lad of great lust;                           
Had a wife who was filled with distrust.                    
One night while he slept,                                   
With a knife, in she crept.                                 
As a lover Big John's now a bust.                           
                                                            
48981 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



Said John Bobbitt, "I'm still a bit miffed,                 
And my spirit could do with a lift.                         
I just go, do not come,                                     
A transplant might help some.                               
I'm one victim who'd love to be stiffed!"                   
                                                            
48982 PENES - BOBBITT                Ann Gasser          P9503



Mrs Bobbit tried circumcision                               
On her man while he watched television.                     
Then he saw Sharon Stone                                    
And extended his bone,                                      
Thus - a misdirected incision.                              
                                                            
48983 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



When drinking in full regalia,                              
Sometimes your memory will fail ya',                        
But John B. woke up thinking                                
I must have been drinking,                                  
I have misplaced my genetalia.                              
                                                            
48984 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



I'll admit that I wasn't too keen                           
About dwelling on a topic so mean,                          
But do I really hafta                                       
Write about NAFTA,                                          
When the nation's obsessed by John's wein?                  
(NAFTA - North American Free Trade Agreement)               
48985 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



There once was a gal named Lorena,                          
Whose husband grew meaner and meaner.                       
She said, "Now John Wayne,                                  
You're causing me pain,                                     
Perhaps you'll be nicer when leaner."                       
                                                            
48986 PENES - BOBBITT                Jim Weaver Collection    



I once met a girl named November;                           
Under her skirt was a member!                               
So rather than scoff,                                       
I chopped the dick off                                      
And gave her a night to remember!                           
                                                            
48987 PENES - BOBBITT                Gooch                    



There once was a laddie named Alastair,                     
Who liked to slide down the bannister.                      
When his crotch hit a sliver,                               
It turned him a-quiver,                                     
And he shrieked to the world, "It's no longer there!"       
                                                            
48988 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



No small wonder that it came to pass,                       
When he spied the knife held by his lass.                   
He screamed, "No, don't bob it!"                            
Though she heard him sob it,                                
She knew guys say NO when they mean YES.                    
                                                            
48989 PENES - BOBBITT                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9402



The saddest thing I've ever seenith:                        
That fellow who lost half his penith;                       
His wife tried to bob it                                    
As short as a hobbit,                                       
And now the jerk can't reach his ZENITH.                    
                                                            
48990 PENES - BOBBITT                Gary Hallock             



There once was a Bobbitt named John,                        
Who thought he was quite the Don Juan.                      
His wife disagreed                                          
So the next time he peed,                                   
John couldn't locate his wand.                              
                                                            
48991 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



The surgeon was filled with great tension,                  
Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention.                  
He stitched and he sewed,                                   
Using all that he know'd,                                   
But the wee thing won't stand at attention.                 
                                                            
48992 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 7                    



Now you know that it had to sting,                          
But no curses did poor Johnny sing.                         
He was quite relaxed                                        
When his manhood was axed.                                  
Guess it wasn't that big of a thing.                        
                                                            
48993 PENES - BOBBITT                Peter Kendall            



"Disposable condoms? No me!"                                
Said John Bobbitt, all melancholy.                          
"I don't need them no more                                  
Since Loreena, the whore,                                   
Made a damn eunuch of me!                                   
                                                            
48994 PENES - BOBBITT                Jeeves              T9801



Have you heard of the outrage so heinous,                   
That it brought bitter tears to Dame Venus.                 
But 'twas neither the knife,                                
Nor the knave, nor the wife,                                
But the wags who were really obscenest.                     
                                                            
48995 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



Big John B. was a creep, don't ya' know,                    
Whose wife gave him a horrible blow.                        
Now the people he meets                                     
As he walks down the streets                                
Say, "John Bobbitt?  That old sew-and-sew!"                 
                                                            
48996 PENES - BOBBITT                Kevin Theis              



Mrs. Bobbitt reached under the sheet                        
For John's poor tired little Pete.                          
But when he looked there                                    
He saw only hair,                                           
For now it lay out in the street!                           
                                                            
48997 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



John Bobbitt was never a loner.                             
In fact, he was known as a roamer.                          
His wife seized his prize,                                  
And cut him to size.                                        
Now he is his own organ donor.                              
                                                            
48998 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



Let her name be preserved under lacquer.                    
When her husband presumed to attack her,                    
An over-achiever,                                           
She reached for a cleaver                                   
And proceeded to whack off his whacker.                     
                                                            
48999 PENES - BOBBITT                Laurence Perrine    P9403



My brain has gone into a whirl;                             
I feel like a giddy young girl.                             
I'm pretty, I think --                                      
I feel in the pink                                          
Because Charlie called me his pearl.                        
                                                            
49000 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



Found out Pearl's the name of his wife!                     
If that damn fool values his life,                          
He won't come near me,                                      
Unless he can see                                           
That I am not holding a knife.                              
                                                            
49001 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



I'd cut off his balls with one slice,                       
But then I would be extra nice.                             
Fry them in a pan,                                          
To feed that fool man,                                      
Fresh gravy and balls over lice.                            
                                                            
49002 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



There once was a crime most venal,                          
One might say 'twas inches from renal.                      
It wasn't for sport                                         
That she made him so short.                                 
Her intentions were nothing but penal.                      
                                                            
49003 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



Said Lorena, "'Twas not disaffection                        
Why I sliced off my husband's erection.                     
It was truly a prize                                        
And I needed that size                                      
For completing my penis collection."                        
                                                            
49004 PENES - BOBBITT                Albin Chaplin       P9403



Poor John awoke early one day;                              
And found much to his dismay,                               
His wife had departed,                                      
And he was broken-hearted,                                  
For his penis had also gone away.                           
                                                            
49005 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 3                    



When it comes to such marital strife,                       
The victim's not always the wife.                           
Just think of Lorena,                                       
That vengeful Latina,                                       
And her fine penisectimal knife.                            
                                                            
49006 PENES - BOBBITT                DC Dave                  



There once was a man from Hong Kong,                        
Who liked to show women his dong.                           
But along came Ms. Bobbit,                                  
Who just wouldn't have it,                                  
And now his poor dong is long gone.                         
                                                            
49007 PENES - BOBBITT                M. D. McFarland          



"This case" said the cops, "sure does pickle us.            
Searching for this man's thing does not tickle us.          
It was somewhere around here                                
That she threw this man's gear,                             
But to us the whole thing is ree-dick-alus."                
                                                            
49008 PENES - BOBBITT                Kevin Theis              



Lorena wished John could be nicer,                          
But he wasn't much of a de-icer.                            
If she finds a new spouse,                                  
Let us hope he's no louse,                                  
Or we might have our first serial slicer.                   
                                                            
49009 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



Mrs. Bobbitt should not get away,                           
With castrating poor John while he lay!                     
So here's my advice:                                        
She should pay him a price                                  
And consider it 'severance pay'.                            
                                                            
49010 PENES - BOBBITT                Leonard Hall             



John was rough when he fucked it;                           
He grabbed his wifes hair as she sucked it.                 
Lorraine said, "Let go!                                     
He replied, "Just blow!"                                    
So she bit the thing off and she chucked it!                
                                                            
49011 PENES - BOBBITT                Coxwell                  



There once was a woman named Bobbitt,                       
Who husband was violent. To stop it,                        
She cut off his dick,                                       
Now she's in the nick,                                      
And it is most likely she'll cop it.                        
                                                            
49012 PENES - BOBBITT                Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow named John went out drinking,                      
When he finally got home he was thinking,                   
He would give his sweet wife                                
The big thrill of her life.                                 
The means to this end was soon shrinking.                   
                                                            
49013 PENES - BOBBITT                Harold                   



They're making plans in movie-land,                         
For a film about Lorena's sleight-of-hand.                  
Whether it's funny or sad,                                  
One thing makes me glad:                                    
I don't have to be Bobbitt's stunt man.                     
                                                            
49014 PENES - BOBBITT                George                   



As the heat of publicity cools,                             
John Wayne Bobbitt is following rules                       
For transfroming his pain                                   
Into capital gain.                                          
He's helping to sell Snap-On-Tools.                         
                                                            
49015 PENES - BOBBITT                A. N. Wilkins       P9404



A much-abused lady named Bobbitt                            
Said unto her husband, please stop it,                      
Or I'll draw my stiletto                                    
And chop down your palmetto,                                
And just see how far I can lob it.                          
                                                            
49016 PENES - BOBBITT                Jim Schaefer             



There was a young man and his wife,                         
Who argued throughout their whole life.                     
But the problem solver                                      
Was not a revolver,                                         
Hence the story of Loreena and knife.                       
                                                            
49017 PENES - BOBBITT                VOL 3                    



There once was a very young Hobbit                          
Who'd take her wee hot dog and lob it                       
Across the front lawn,                                      
Then lie back and yawn,                                     
And whisper, "I played Mrs Bobbitt."                        
                                                            
49018 PENES - BOBBITT                Travis Brasell           



Lorena, the devious meany,                                  
Suspected her man had a 'queenie'.                          
In a moment of strife,                                      
She picked up a knife                                       
And cut off all poor Johnny's weenie.                       
                                                            
49019 PENES - BOBBITT                Gifford Wherry           



It seems that Lorena had raised                             
The sheet on John Bobbitt and praised                       
What she sucked on for years,                               
Then she cropped it with shears,                            
For she wanted to sample it braised.                        
                                                            
49020 PENES - BOBBITT                Albin Chaplin 3024  P9403



The Bobbit case sure is a dilly,                            
Though it sounds a little bit silly.                        
He said she's the hacker                                    
Who lopped off his whacker.                                 
She said she was only trying to 'Free Willy'.               
(Free Willy - a Bambi-type 1992 movie about whales)         
49021 PENES - BOBBITT                                         



She sought out his manhood and robbed it,                   
Then from the car window, she lobbed it!                    
For she'd pledged to the stiff                              
At the height of their tiff,                                
That when his john waned, she would bob it!                 
                                                            
49022 PENES - BOBBITT                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man from Dundalk,                          
Who had something wrong with his stalk.                     
The women said, "Pat,                                       
You should get it looked at.                                
It's affecting the way that you walk!"                      
                                                            
49023 PENES - DAMAGED                Ivor Robert Jones        



Depth perception on eyes is so hard,                        
A young man must be on his guard.                           
When distracted by bits                                     
Of humongous size tits,                                     
When he closes his movie placard.                           
                                                            
49024 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



With a whore, a frail fellow named Jay                      
Did not notice, while fucking away,                         
That his cock broke in two.                                 
A cuntlapper named Lew                                      
Had it sent back by mail the next day.                      
                                                            
49025 PENES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1797



An inflated young husband from Hurst                        
Once erected himself till he burst.                         
And although it was plain                                   
That he suffered much pain,                                 
It was reckoned his wife came off worst.                    
                                                            
49026 PENES - DAMAGED                Hugh Oliver         A114B



There once was a Mick named Pete,                           
Whose penis did smell like his feet.                        
He pulled back the skin;                                    
What he saw was a sin:                                      
Cheese growing faster than wheat!                           
                                                            
49027 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Hey, Gearhart my mouth isn't green;                         
It's always minty fresh and clean,                          
Unlike that cheese dick,                                    
You've got; it makes me sick.                               
It smells like some old lima bean.                          
                                                            
49028 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



A pretty installer from Carlisle                            
Found her customer's intent was penile.                     
She slammed down her case                                   
At such a fast pace,                                        
Her client is now in denial.                                
                                                            
49029 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Woonsocket                       
Who flew to the Moon on a rocket.                           
The rocket went bang,                                       
His balls went twang,                                       
And they found his cock in his pocket.                      
                                                            
49030 PENES - DAMAGED                                    G2651



There once was a man from Schenectady                       
Whose member was so infected, he                            
Drove himself to a doc,                                     
Who dismembered his cock,                                   
And drove himself home... quite dejectedly.                 
                                                            
49031 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from the junction,                    
Who laughed at the Perfesser's compunction.                 
She was quite unaware,                                      
Until he started to swear,                                  
He was inflicted with penile dysfunction.                   
                                                            
49032 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



Through the fence he could see in the backyard;             
What he saw made his dick grow real hard.                   
Three girls slowly stripping                                
To go skinny-dipping.                                       
The fence -- electric -- dick was charred!                  
                                                            
49033 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



There was an old man from Duntork,                          
Who had something wrong with his dork.                      
The women said, "Pat,                                       
You should get it looked at --                              
It's affecting the way of your work."                       
                                                            
49034 PENES - DAMAGED                Andrew Johnson           



There was a young man from Beijing                          
who had a large wart on this thing.                         
'Twas filled with green pus;                                
He was wealthy and thus                                     
Mouthwash sales made the registers ring.                    
                                                            
49035 PENES - DAMAGED                Robert Elliot            



A neurotic young fellow named Tuttard                       
Would stutter each word that he uttered.                    
He had more of a block                                      
In the use of his cock,                                     
For instead of just coming, he sputtered!                   
                                                            
49036 PENES - DAMAGED                                    G2540



A young Cassanova from Texas                                
Is all for this coupling of sexes.                          
His poor wife survives                                      
By having nine lives,                                       
And cursing his organ with hexes.                           
                                                            
49037 PENES - DAMAGED                Armand E Singer       494



Though each brave of the Cherokee Nation                    
May discover some baroque elation,                          
In beating his prick                                        
With a hickory stick,                                       
I am sure it's a rare recreation.                           
                                                            
49038 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



In the war, a young soldier named Fred                      
Was bombed and he lost half his head.                       
And his legs were a fright                                  
But he smiled with delight,                                 
For his pecker still hung by a thread.                      
                                                            
49039 PENES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1782



Said a learned old man of Brabant,                          
"The instinct, my dear, is extant:                          
The extension's extinct.                                    
Or to be more succinct:                                     
I would if I could, but I can't."                           
                                                            
49040 PENES - DAMAGED                John Ciardi              



I thought what you squirted was custard,                    
But now I can tell it was mustard;                          
I'm throbbing again                                         
And in terrible pain,                                       
So forgive me for sounding so flustered.                    
                                                            
49041 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Whose penis was shaped like a bucket.                       
All the girls without fail                                  
Would say, "Hey, that looks pale,"                          
But he didn't mind if they'd suck it.                       
                                                            
49042 PENES - DAMAGED                Anon                     



There was a young man of Toulouse,                          
Who had a deficient prepuce.                                
But the foreskin he lacked                                  
He made up in his sac.                                      
The result was, his balls were too loose.                   
                                                            
49043 PENES - DAMAGED                                    L0250



There was a young man from Belize,                          
Whose pecker hung down to his knees.                        
The women adored it,                                        
But how he abhored it,                                      
'Cause each time it stiffened, he sneezed.                  
                                                            
49044 PENES - DAMAGED                Richard Long             



"My Lord" said the wench to her master,                     
"My dental work is a painful disaster.                      
My throat is so raw,                                        
And so is my jaw.                                           
If would help if your dick were not plaster."               
                                                            
49045 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Couting;                          
In the corner I found him pouting.                          
"I think something's wrong,"                                
As he looked at his dong,                                   
"I can see from my dick, mushrooms sprouting!"              
                                                            
49046 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Carluke                            
Who said, "If you'll just take a look                       
At the tip of my penis,                                     
You'll gather that Venus                                    
Has put her name down in my book.                           
                                                            
49047 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



For a sore wounded soldier named Gideon                     
Doc concocted a prick from obsidian,                        
But a huge phony bone                                       
Made of icy-cold stone,                                     
Damped a practice once damned near quotidian.               
                                                            
49048 PENES - DAMAGED                Armand Singer            



The more you put into it, yes,                              
The more you'll get out, I would guess.                     
I'd be pissed. I'm supposin'                                
If I stuck my hose in,                                      
And it came out with anything less.                         
                                                            
49049 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



An engine mechanic Alphonse,                                
Looked ruefully down at his schwantz;                       
For it pained when he piddled,                              
And it kinked when he diddled,                              
And was lacking a motor response.                           
                                                            
49050 PENES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-0383



There was a young man from Stambul,                         
Who soliloquised thus to his tool,                          
"You took all my wealth                                     
And you ruined my health,                                   
And now you won't pee, you old fool."                       
                                                            
49051 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



A fairy from South Carolina,                                
Had a cock that tinkled like china.                         
But when shooting his load,                                 
It cracked like old Spode,                                  
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.                        
                                                            
49052 PENES - DAMAGED                                    L0235



There once was a man from Scotch Plains                     
Who kept having odd phallic pains.                          
Doc said, "Too much water --                                
Try banging my daughter."                                   
Now he only gets hard when it rains.                        
                                                            
49053 PENES - DAMAGED                Tomer Shiran             



My apologies for the inordinate delay,                      
But I've been depressed all bloody day,                     
I examined my nob                                           
When it started to throb,                                   
And the pains just won't go away.                           
                                                            
49054 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



An impeccable fellow named Becker                           
Had an impeccable pecker.                                   
'Cause everyone loved it,                                   
He cared not where he shoved it...                          
Now poor Becker sees a pecker-checker!                      
                                                            
49055 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old bastard named Gene,                        
Impotent, selfish, and mean.                                
His dick was so shamed                                      
By what the man claimed,                                    
It pretended that it was a spleen.                          
                                                            
49056 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



"I was proud of my pecker," said he;                        
"'Twas the liveliest portion of me.                         
But the last girl I screwed                                 
Was so thoroughly stewed,                                   
That now it's been pickled in pee!"                         
                                                            
49057 PENES - DAMAGED                                    G2021



Body piercing's the latest of crazes;                       
The places they pierce just amazes.                         
How they pierce their pee pee                               
Is WAY beyond me!                                           
When they go, it must sting like blazes!                    
                                                            
49058 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A distracted old lady of Peking,                            
Some aid from a plumber was seeking,                        
And the plumber agreed                                      
That a union she'd need,                                    
But he found that his own pipe was leaking.                 
(union - female and male elements joined by screwing)       
49059 PENES - DAMAGED                Al Chaplin          P8608



An old Jap samurai named Haki,                              
Once pickled his penis in saki.                             
When the thing was quite dead,                              
He cried with bowed head,                                   
"Banzai! Requiescat in pace."                               
                                                            
49060 PENES - DAMAGED                                    L1429



A delicate schoolboy on Yunge                               
To a bodyrub parlor was brung,                              
Where a topless Malay                                       
So massaged him away,                                       
That she left him with only his tongue.                     
                                                            
49061 PENES - DAMAGED                Hugh Oliver           58b



There was a young girl of Asturias                          
With a penchant for practices curious.                      
She loved to bat rocks                                      
With her gentlemen's cocks,                                 
A practice both rude and injurious.                         
                                                            
49062 PENES - DAMAGED                                    L1367



A nudist named Jeremy Creach                                
Went frolicking down on the beach;                          
The sand that was there                                     
Got into his hair                                           
And places not easy to reach.                               
                                                            
49063 PENES - DAMAGED                Cap'n Bean          P0305



There once was a fellow named Dale                          
Who suddenly turned rather pale,                            
When his girlfriend said "Please,                           
I don't mind the cheese,                                    
But the shaft is quite crusty and stale."                   
                                                            
49064 PENES - DAMAGED                J. D. Hopponen           



On moving away from Hell Gate,                              
A man nailed his cock in a crate.                           
He murmured, "I guess                                       
It can go by express,                                       
At the Household Appliances rate."                          
                                                            
49065 PENES - DAMAGED                                    G2364



A fellow from Radium Springs                                
Built a pair of magnifient wings;                           
But he shouldn't have orta                                  
Flown low over worta --                                     
A duck hunter shot off his things.                          
                                                            
49066 PENES - DAMAGED                Hugh Oliver           99b



The balls of a man from Jerusalem,                          
Were as dead as those of Methusalem.                        
But by splinting his prick                                  
With an odd length of stick,                                
He'd fool all the girls and bamboozle 'em.                  
                                                            
49067 PENES - DAMAGED                                    G2146



There was a young fellow named Bole                         
Who had a rectangular pole;                                 
But his girlfriends were few,                               
Having nothing to do                                        
With fitting square pegs in round holes.                    
                                                            
49068 PENES - DAMAGED                David Braun              



On spying a lad who was single,                             
Whom she aimed for to mingle,                               
She flew for some crack,                                    
And laid forth her attack,                                  
But she squashed his Peninsula Dingle                       
                                                            
49069 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



I'll test the volume with this bottle;                      
It holds quite a bit, not a jottle.                         
It's gone in too far --                                     
It's stuck in the jar!                                      
And its gone all blue-ish and mottled!                      
                                                            
49070 PENES - DAMAGED                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Spain,                           
Who got his pecker stuck in a drain.                        
He said with a yell,                                        
As he wiped off the gel,                                    
"I've never felt such wonderful pain. "                     
                                                            
49071 PENES - DAMAGED                Oblivion                 



A knot hole he happened to see,                             
So he stuck his dink through it to pee.                     
Then he gave a loud yell:                                   
"Whoop! Damnation! Hell!"                                   
(On that side of the fence was a bee.)                      
                                                            
49072 PENES - DAMAGED                                    G2052



There was once a old man in a tree                          
Who was stung on the prick by a bee.                        
He asked an old lady:                                       
Suck out the ma-lady,                                       
And got done in for indecency.                              
                                                            
49073 PENES - DAMAGED                Anna Pest           P9005



There once was a loner named Todd,                          
Who knew not he smelled like a cod.                         
He went out with Pat,                                       
To bang on some fat,                                        
But she ran from his stinky-poo rod.                        
                                                            
49074 PENES - DAMAGED                Pablo Zum          TP9807



When he dropped down his trousers, young Hearst,            
His foul prick exposed, 'twas the worst.                    
Said the harlot, discreet,                                  
"What a foul-looking meat.                                  
I believe I must suck it off first."                        
                                                            
49075 PENES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1721



While hunting, some buckshot hit Springer,                  
And some of it passed through his clinger.                  
When he pissed, spray would shoot                           
Through the holes, like a flute,                            
Till a flutist taught Springer to finger.                   
                                                            
49076 PENES - DAMAGED                Albin Chaplin   3024-1822



There is a young fellow from Leeds,                         
Whose skin is so thin his cock bleeds,                      
Whenever erect.                                             
This dermal effect                                          
Often scares him from sowing his seeds.                     
                                                            
49077 PENES - DAMAGED                                    L1289



There once lived an angler named Ed,                        
Whose cock was constructed of lead.                         
Too short for a pole                                        
Or to fill a cunt hole,                                     
It served as a sinker instead!                              
                                                            
49078 PENES - DAMAGED                Jeeves                   



I've only a temporaary prob-                                
Lem I get when I've been on the job                         
For some six days a week,                                   
With no break for a leak,                                   
Else there's nothing much wrong with my knob.               
                                                            
49079 PENES - DAMAGED                Peter Wilkins            



A industrious fellow named Dustin                           
Worked at a pace that was ass-bustin'.                      
But a sad side-effect                                       
Was sexual neglect;                                         
He found that his pecker was rustin'!                       
                                                            
49080 PENES - DAMAGED                Karen B                  



An old man from old Tennessee                               
Found his dick turning into a cacti.                        
When his friends said "Who did it?"                         
He said, "I don't know yet,                                 
But undoubtedly, Dux femina facti."                         
(a woman did it)                                            
49081 PENES - DAMAGED                FB                       



There was an old man from Dundalk,                          
Whose willy had turned into chalk.                          
The women said, "Fine,                                      
If we draw a straight line,                                 
You can sign your name as you walk."                        
                                                            
49082 PENES - DAMAGED                Ivor Robert Jones        



I know a young fellow named Bobby                           
Who ties bits of string round his nobby,                    
Till it turns a hue                                         
Of the darkest blue;                                        
Now isn't that a curious hobby.                             
                                                            
49083 PENES - DAMAGED                Emmanuel Lamprecht       



There was a librarian from Yale                             
Whose dick was unusually pale.                              
When women first see it,                                    
They scream and then flee it.                               
So now he dates girls who read Braille.                     
                                                            
49084 PENES - DAMAGED                Hedley Bontano           



There was an old man of Stamboul,                           
With a varicose vein in his tool.                           
In attempting to come                                       
Up a little boy's bum,                                      
It burst! And did he look the fool!                         
                                                            
49085 PENES - DAMAGED                Norman Douglas      L1218



A sultan of old Istanbul                                    
Had a varicose vein in his tool.                            
This evoked joyous grunts                                   
From his harem of cunts,                                    
But his boys suffered pain at the stool.                    
                                                            
49086 PENES - DAMAGED                                    L0476



I'm glad then that you healed up nicely.                    
I'd hate to think of you all dice-ly.                       
Your dong is much better                                    
When whole, long, and wetter,                               
And angling inside precisely.                               
                                                            
49087 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



There was an old Bey of Stamboul                            
Who soliliquized thus to his tool                           
"Last week, bear in mind,                                   
You'd a jolly good grind,                                   
And now you won't piss, Bloody Fool!"                       
                                                            
49088 PENES - DAMAGED                                    G2519



There was a bloke called Mike Hunt                          
Who had a knob that was blunt.                              
It was so worn down                                         
While playing around,                                       
That it wouldn't fit into a cunt.                           
                                                            
49089 PENES - DAMAGED                                         



They say that his member is bent;                           
Such talk of the President!                                 
But none can agree                                          
To what degree,                                             
And in which direction it went.                             
                                                            
49090 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Jim Weaver Collection    



A myopic old codger from Trent                              
Has a poker that's terribly bent.                           
He's nigh had it broken                                     
From inaccurate pokin',                                     
And it's often backfired when he went!                      
                                                            
49091 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



A lackey named Langer once lusted                           
For a lady he should have mistrusted.                       
When she hinted at banging,                                 
She really meant hanging;                                   
That's how Langer's poor banger got busted.                 
                                                            
49092 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Pierce Evans             



Politicians, it seems, always knock...                      
Like men do when hard as a rock.                            
As Confucious would say,                                    
"If you pass door side-way,                                 
You're most guaranteed to Bangkok!"                         
                                                            
49093 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Friar                    



While washing my balls in Bangkok,                          
Where you bash them quite hard on a rock,                   
By the banks of a creek.                                    
I let out a shriek,                                         
When I missed and then mangled my cock.                     
                                                            
49094 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Bill Wall                



There once was a man from Tashkent,                         
Whose prick was incredibly bent.                            
You'd know if you screw                                     
The girls that he knew...                                   
'Cause they were the ones with the dent.                    
                                                            
49095 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Cubby                    



"You're big", she quite rightly observed,                   
But remarked, "Your erection is curved."                    
He said, "Like as not,                                      
It'll find your G-spot."                                    
As he cork-screwed and twisted and swerved.                 
                                                            
49096 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Peter                    



There once was a Scot named McFooshan,                      
Whose tool had an odd convolution,                          
And filled him with guilt,                                  
For the tilt of his kilt,                                   
Caused frequent diurnal pollution.                          
                                                            
49097 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



The penis of old Mr. Tittle                                 
Could never be termed really little;                        
It truly looked splendid,                                   
All red and distended,                                      
But used under pressure, proved brittle.                    
                                                            
49098 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       832



Of a girl that I know in Hoboken,                           
Only few words, and softly, are spoken                      
By a group of ten men                                       
Who attacked her, and then                                  
Crawled away with ten penises broken.                       
                                                            
49099 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         John Miller              



There was an old person of Chester,                         
Who several small children did pester;                      
They threw a large stone                                    
Which broke off his bone,                                   
And caused his molester to fester.                          
                                                            
49100 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Edwardian Leer 108  P9306



A young organ grinder named Frank,                          
Spent mornings just winding his crank.                      
But extending the tune                                      
Into late afternoon,                                        
Caused his crank to break off at the shank.                 
                                                            
49101 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Pierce Evans             



There was a poor woman named Little                         
Whose spouse's old prick was quite brittle;                 
Though he sued her in court                                 
'Cause she broke it off short,                              
She managed to get an acquittal.                            
                                                            
49102 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       175



You hear all those screams from George Hurst?               
A boil on his prick has just burst,                         
Which doesn't explaian                                      
The depth of his pain:                                      
His penis had broken off first.                             
                                                            
49103 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       978



I once heard a luckless account                             
Of a poor soul whose last name was Blount;                  
He broke off his dickie                                     
When, caught in a quickie,                                  
Too swiftly he tried to dismount.                           
                                                            
49104 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Cap'n Bean          P9807



A man who took quite a fall                                 
Feared he had injured a ball.                               
But he learned pretty quick,                                
He had broken his dick,                                     
And his balls were intact, after all.                       
                                                            
49105 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Sylvia Honig             



There was a young fellow from Kent                          
Whose wife left him battered and bent.                      
He was bent over double                                     
And this gave him much trouble;                             
No one knew if he came or had went.                         
                                                            
49106 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Albin Chaplin            



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
Who's dick was too deformed to fuck it.                     
It looked quite wrecked                                     
'Cause in full erect,                                       
T'was the shape of a Chicken McNugget!                      
                                                            
49107 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



There once was a man from Skopier                           
Whose penis got floppier and floppier.                      
The problem was partly                                      
Last years office party,                                    
When the lid was slammed down on the copier.                
                                                            
49108 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Robert Elliot            



An unfortunate fellow named Lang                            
Has a crescent-shaped bend to his whang;                    
If he plumbs genitalia,                                     
Like those things in Australia,                             
It quickly returns whence it sprang.                        
                                                            
49109 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       899



He'll never have children will Merve;                       
His penis is bowed in a curve;                              
The bend on the end                                         
Diverts all his spend --                                    
A problem that most don't deserve.                          
                                                            
49110 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       809



When a fellow that dressed like a fey                       
Was told he dressed wrong, for a gay,                       
I shoved his left nut                                       
Up the crack in his butt;                                   
So now, he's dressed right all the way!                     
                                                            
49111 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Brian Belge              



Mr Wand had a funny erection,                               
That would never be prized for perfection.                  
For, although it was long                                   
And was hard and was strong,                                
It grew off in an errant direction.                         
                                                            
49112 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



A hermit who live on St. Roque,                             
Had a dork perfected to poke.                               
He diddled the donkeys                                      
And meddled with monkeys,                                   
And would have done worse, but it broke.                    
                                                            
49113 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                             L0639



Don't pity a fellow named Biddle,                           
Whose prick has a kink in the middle,                       
For his lady-love's cunt                                    
Has a groove near the front --                              
They fit like a glove when they diddle.                     
                                                            
49114 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       727



There was an old lady from Kent                             
Whose husband was dreadfully bent.                          
And those who beheld her                                    
Asked what had impelled her                                 
To marry that fractalized gent.                             
                                                            
49115 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Norm Storer         P0209



A pilot who flew to Salinas                                 
In one of those old Catalinas,                              
Pulled back on the yoke                                     
With a hell of a stroke,                                    
And fractured his co-pilot's penis.                         
                                                            
49116 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                             G2050



There was a young lady of Kent,                             
Whose husbands dick, it was bent.                           
They could fuck around corners,                             
But there were few mourners,                                
When they gave up the practice for Lent.                    
                                                            
49117 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Jim Weaver Collection    



George went to the doc for remedial                         
Work on his tool polyhedral.                                
That surgery, plastic,                                      
Was truly fantastic;                                        
It's shaped now like Salisbury Cathedral.                   
                                                            
49118 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Tiddy Ogg                



Old George had an odd-looking dangular.                     
Rectangular? No, but triangular;                            
Isosceles too.                                              
Three-dimensional? True;                                    
Therefore tetrahedronically angular.                        
                                                            
49119 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Peter Wilkins            



Old George has an interesting crotch.                       
(I know, 'cause I've been on the watch.)                    
Did not know 'til now,                                      
Triangles are how                                           
The old duffer fills up a notch.                            
                                                            
49120 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



I see you've been delving in dic.                           
And Oxford's, by damn, is real thick,                       
But mine's got a curve                                      
That'll shatter your nerve,                                 
And one bump that'll sure do the trick!                     
                                                            
49121 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



If the doctor says 'Hadrian's Wilt',                        
Then your dick has a droop and a tilt;                      
But this painful disease                                    
Can be cured with some ease                                 
By removing your sporran and kilt.                          
                                                            
49122 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



Not that it always transpired                               
That it turned out quite as she desired,                    
One gent of Trent                                           
Was undoubtedly bent,                                       
And he didn't advance, he retired.                          
                                                            
49123 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Cyril Ray                



A man from the Cape of Good Hope,                           
With women no longer could cope.                            
So to India he went                                         
With his tool badly bent,                                   
Where he studied the trick with the rope.                   
                                                            
49124 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Albin Chaplin   3024-1861



"Geronimo!" shouted Cherie,                                 
As she pounced on my stiffy with glee.                      
But her leap on my meat                                     
From a height of six feet                                   
Concertina'd it into a 'Z'.                                 
                                                            
49125 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



There once was this man in Tibet,                           
And this is the strangest one yet.                          
His member was bent,                                        
So that when he spent,                                      
The lady was hooked...you bet!                              
                                                            
49126 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Jim Weaver Collection    



While jumping the next lady in line,                        
My rod was feeling just fine.                               
But in the next minute,                                     
I stumbled and bent it,                                     
And the last became first for a time.                       
                                                            
49127 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



An incompetent rapist from Ghent,                           
Had a phallus all crooked and bent.                         
He confessed with chagrin,                                  
"True, I fail to get in,                                    
But it leaves one helluva dent!"                            
                                                            
49128 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Lims For Year - 01       



You've checked how my pecker is ended                       
And thought I would not be offended?                        
It's a very low blow                                        
To let everyone know                                        
That my pecker, like Clinton's, is bended.                  
                                                            
49129 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         John                     



I know an unfortunate bloke                                 
Whose penis was fashioned from oak.                         
When given a jerk                                           
By a lady, berserk,                                         
It splintered and finally broke.                            
                                                            
49130 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Craig                    



In the faraway village of Cass,                             
Lived a gent with a cock made of glass.                     
The poor jerk was a fairy,                                  
The result rather hairy,                                    
It broke off in another fag's ass.                          
                                                            
49131 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       297



Handsome and tall and mustached,                            
Clyde fell off his cayuse and mashed                        
His favorite part,                                          
And I don't mean his heart,                                 
'Cause the heartless don't feel so abashed.                 
                                                            
49132 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Although my dick isn't little,                              
It has quite a curve in the middle.                         
It's so hard to screw,                                      
And jerk it off, too,                                       
And I miss the bowl when I piddle!                          
                                                            
49133 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Blowcephus         TP9802



The young man who was dating Miss Venus,                    
Had some trouble erecting his penis.                        
So with candor, she said,                                   
As she climbed into bed,                                    
"Let's get something, my dear, straight between us."        
                                                            
49134 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Albin Chaplin   3024-0368



There is an old man from Koblenz                            
With so many sharp angular bends                            
In his dick (so he claims)                                  
That whenever he aims                                       
For a pee, he needs help from his friends.                  
                                                            
49135 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Peter Wilkins            



Now be very careful, please Doc;                            
I need some repairs on my cock.                             
Hit by cricket balls,                                       
I now just wear smalls --                                   
I pad it out now with a sock!                               
                                                            
49136 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Archie                   



A little round fellow from Ghent                            
Met up with that guy from Tashkent.                         
They tried one-on-one                                       
But it was not fun,                                         
Because they were equally bent.                             
                                                            
49137 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



A lad from Cork playing tennis,                             
Took a line-drive shot to the penis.                        
He moaned and he coughed,                                   
Then his pecker fell off.                                   
Now he's a young lass, Kate Maginnis.                       
                                                            
49138 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         VOL 3                    



There was a young man named McGuire;                        
For a child he did wish to be sire.                         
He went in with his oak,                                    
And poked 'till it broke,                                   
But all he could do was perspire.                           
                                                            
49139 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Ed Skinner               



There was an old Scot named MacDooshan,                     
Whose tool had an odd convolution.                          
This filled him with guilt,                                 
For the tilt of his kilt,                                   
Caused frequent nocturnal pollution.                        
                                                            
49140 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                             G2164



I once had a dream where a spammer                          
Burst into the scene with a yammer,                         
Saying "I've got smut for free!                             
I swear there's no fee!"                                    
I whanged off his crank with a hammer.                      
                                                            
49141 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         H Whelchel               



For the foot-doc, a fellow named Brent,                     
His pecker exposed, badly bent.                             
"That's no foot!" said the doc,                             
But Brent claimed that his cock                             
Was exactly twelve inches extent.                           
                                                            
49142 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Albin Chaplin   3024-1970



Said Joe with a sigh melancholic,                           
"I'd love to indulge in a frolic,                           
But doubt that your snatch                                  
Has a bend which can match                                  
Me in curvature terms parabolic."                           
                                                            
49143 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Peter Wilkins            



He had it, that wretched Mahony --                          
The symptom described by Peyronie,                          
Who named the disease                                       
Afflicting men's ease:                                      
A kink in a fellow's baloney.                               
                                                            
49144 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer      479B



You gotta feel bad for Maloney;                             
His penial woes are not phony:                              
The big kink in his dink                                    
Is far worse than you'd think --                            
He's paging old Dr. Peyronie.                               
                                                            
49145 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand Singer       P0207



To a patient said Dr. Peyronie,                             
"I see you've a right bent baloney.                         
If it lists during sport,                                   
Well to starbobard or port,                                 
Rebend it -- your cock isn't bony.                          
                                                            
49146 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer      479A



A foreign young man, Japanese,                              
Could bugger himself with great ease.                       
And that's quite a trick                                    
Unless you are sick                                         
With a case of "Peyronies' disease."                        
(P d - penis becomes bent due to athero-cavernosa plaques)  
49147 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Tom Patton          P9805



I sing of a loser named Biddle;                             
Peyronie's was spoiling his diddle;                         
But that infamous bend                                      
Wasn't right at the end.                                    
It dropped down smack in the middle.                        
                                                            
49148 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand Singer       P0109



There is this disease called Peyronie's                     
Afflicting the pricks of my cronies.                        
It causes a bend                                            
Way out near the end --                                     
Well, nobody likes kinked balonies.                         
                                                            
49149 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Armand E Singer       479



There once was a man named Spud,                            
Who liked to fuck holes in the mud.                         
It was quite a neat trick,                                  
Till he injured his prick,                                  
And then pissed a bucket of blood.                          
                                                            
49150 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Puff Adder               



An inquisitive cutie of Kent                                
Said, "I see that your pecker is bent...                    
At some time were you trying                                
To use it for prying?                                       
And did you achieve your intent?"                           
                                                            
49151 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Grand Prix Lim  363      



A miner who bored in Brazil,                                
Found some very strange rust on his drill.                  
He thought it a joke,                                       
'Till the bloody thing broke.                               
Now his tailings are practically nil.                       
                                                            
49152 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                             L1138



If you've noticed a queue that's quite long,                
Titillation's the cause of the throng.                      
I give group interaction                                    
And great satisfaction                                      
Because of the kink in my dong.                             
                                                            
49153 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Conch                    



In Surrey there once lived a gent,                          
Whose pecker was horribly bent.                             
"If you'll straighten it, Miss,                             
I'll give you a kiss."                                      
So she tried, but she failed, and he went.                  
                                                            
49154 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



There once was a lady from Kent,                            
Whose husband's erection was bent;                          
But her pussy bent too,                                     
So that when they did screw,                                
Quite perfect together they went!                           
                                                            
49155 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Cap'n Bean          P9901



Now girls, be you virgin or whore,                          
I know you'll be begging for more.                          
You will not resist                                         
Our doing the twist,                                        
For you see, I am built like a boar.                        
(a boar's penis is a spiral)                                
49156 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         John Miller              



Poor Gregory can't get his pole                             
Up his girl for a tumble and roll,                          
For he has a square peg                                     
And his paramour Meg                                        
Has a perfectly circular hole.                              
                                                            
49157 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Peter Wilkins            



A man who had given his best,                               
Thought to give his dick a test.                            
He tied the append                                          
To a big truck's rear end,                                  
And it stretched all the way to Key West!                   
                                                            
49158 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young girl named Alice,                    
Whose boyfriend had a big phallus.                          
Once it was in,                                             
It crumpled like tin,                                       
And so now he's suing for malice.                           
                                                            
49159 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Anon                     



There were three witches from Kent                          
Who got a young man in a tent.                              
They pulled down his britches                               
And had him in stitches,                                    
And swung on his prick till it bent.                        
                                                            
49160 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Phil Johnstone           



There was a sad fellow from Kent,                           
Whose unusual tool was quite bent.                          
But in time he did find,                                    
That the women don't mind.                                  
They think time spent under him is well spent.              
                                                            
49161 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         John T and Donna Burt    



There once was a man from Hoboken,                          
Who feared that his penis was broken.                       
The doctor said, "Mister,                                   
Just look at this blister!                                  
You've bent it in half with your strokin'!"                 
                                                            
49162 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Jim Weaver Collection    



"Oh Trav!  You've a twisted erection!"                      
"I know, Jane, a major defection;                           
Last night when I stirred,                                  
The ceiling fan 'whirred'                                   
And caught it -- then changed its direction!"               
                                                            
49163 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Travis Brasell           



There once was a bloke from Hoboken,                        
Hid under a hearse for some strokin'.                       
Someone started the hearse;                                 
Put the gears in reverse,                                   
That's how the blokes poker got broken.                     
                                                            
49164 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Pierce Evans             



There was a young fellow named Chase                        
Who buttressed his tool with a brace.                       
Now his wife does not mention                               
A bone of contention,                                       
For their love has a much firmer base.                      
                                                            
49165 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Albin Chaplin   3024-0418



There was a young man from Baku                             
Whose pecker was slightly askew.                            
Sex was more than just tricky;                              
He left navels all sticky;                                  
Now it's something he tends to eschew.                      
                                                            
49166 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Robert Elliot            



Now fellas, I know you may scoff,                           
But Jimmy now don't want to boff;                           
Her sexual athletics                                        
Have damaged his dick, it's                                 
A wonder she's not broke it off.                            
                                                            
49167 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT                                  



My root is quite weathered and knotted;                     
And many a girl's been besotted,                            
For on opening the tap                                      
That pumps up the sap,                                      
She gets single, then double, then clotted.                 
                                                            
49168 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT         Fester Ormatsee          



A well-endowed man, Arthur King,                            
His penis he'd take and he'd fling                          
It over his shoulder,                                       
But now he's grown older;                                   
He carries it 'round in a sling.                            
                                                            
49169 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



I studied in "Arthur King Classes",                         
To learn what to do as time passes,                         
With my sagging timber                                      
And all I remember                                          
Is: Hire you six muscle-bound lasses!                       
                                                            
49170 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Travis Brasell           



There once was a man from Dundee                            
Who really did look like a tree.                            
He couldn't get laid                                        
Till he met this maid,                                      
Who liked everything naturally.                             
                                                            
49171 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Tjarda                   



No wonder she chose to relent.                              
Treebeard's a famous old gent.                              
Lord of the Rings,                                          
In describing such things,                                  
Calls this guy with a woodie an Ent.                        
                                                            
49172 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Irish                    



A digger, some codger named Roger,                          
Fell out of bed bending his todger.                         
Now an Irish coleen                                         
Will soon be his queen,                                     
And for sex, with his splint he will bodge her.             
                                                            
49173 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Tim Main                 



So as Anne sheds her bridal regalia,                        
And ponders his bruised genitalia,                          
She can offer her prayers,                                  
That her old man's upstairs                                 
And not down under in 'Stralia!                             
                                                            
49174 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Tim Main                 



A panic button he started to push,                          
When he viewed her magnificent tush.                        
"My dear, I won't fail ya',                                 
I come from Australia,                                      
I've stopped beating around in the bush."                   
                                                            
49175 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a woman named Anne                           
Who mistook our poor Rog for a man.                         
When came wedding night,                                    
Anne thought it all right,                                  
Though her Rogering happened by hand.                       
                                                            
49176 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



The marriage of Roger and Anne:                             
A joining of woman and man.                                 
We toast to the match;                                      
They both got a catch;                                      
Raise a glass to the Aus-Irish clan!                        
                                                            
49177 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



Trey is an old boy who's known                              
For having the "bent nail syndrome."                        
They say he bent it                                         
At the local rock pit,                                      
From too often "romancing the stone."                       
                                                            
49178 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Floyd Moody              



In case you don't get it, dear Reader,                      
"Bent nail" refers to his peter.                            
So crooked it will                                          
No twat ever fill,                                          
So I guess he will just have to eat her.                    
                                                            
49179 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Floyd Moody              



While sitting at the keyboard so bored;                     
Too broke to go out and get whored;                         
With me browser on porn,                                    
Made me trousers too warm,                                  
Now me Willie's tangled-up in the cord.                     
                                                            
49180 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Frosty                   



To untangle me Willie I tried;                              
The cord tightened-up, 'til I cried;                        
So with no circulation,                                     
I said "fuck masturbation",                                 
Then I stared at me Willie cross-eyed.                      
                                                            
49181 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Frosty                   



Me Willie was horribly bent;                                
Like the man who "came and he went";                        
With the end full of blood,                                 
Backed-up by a flood,                                       
God!  Whatever I did, I Repent!                             
                                                            
49182 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Frosty                   



Well let us make fun of you, Billy;                         
The lad with his brain in his willy.                        
His English is flawed,                                      
He ought to be clawed                                       
By tigers till his willy is nilly.                          
                                                            
49183 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES                          



Oh doc, I hope you will see                                 
The troubles bothereing me.                                 
You see that my dangle                                      
Is bent at an angle                                         
And it dribbles whenever I pee!                             
                                                            
49184 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES CM                       



Here is your doctor's prognosis:                            
She recommeends pills and hypnosis.                         
And while you are under,                                    
She'll ravage and plunder                                   
Your prick 'til it's stiff with fibrosis.                   
                                                            
49185 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Brian Belge              



I'm glad I ain't got what he's got;                         
No doubt the lad's suffered a lot.                          
When I've finished peeing,                                  
No dribbles I'm seeing;                                     
I tie my old dick in a knot!                                
                                                            
49186 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Travis Brasell           



You've heard about Uncle Tom Cobleigh?                      
His knees were exceedingly knobbly.                         
They gave his wife Jill                                     
An encredible thrill;                                       
Made her faint with desire and go wobbly.                   
                                                            
49187 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Peter Wilkins            



Tom Cobleigh's dick was quite knobbly,                      
And his wife's mother tells me most prob'ly,                
That the after-effects                                      
Of their first night of sex,                                
Was Jill's pussy burned terribly throbbly.                  
                                                            
49188 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



I used to be bolder than shit;                              
I'd poke every alien slit.                                  
But Lt Mar                                                  
Has left a large scar,                                      
And this has affected the fit.                              
                                                            
49189 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



A Jovian, unctuous and tight,                               
Assailed me one Europan night.                              
She screamed (from scar friction),                          
Then spazzed (full constriction).                           
And now I hook sharp to the right.                          
                                                            
49190 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



I must get my ship on the ball                              
And pay my flight surgeon a call.                           
He's deft with a splint                                     
And nards that are bent.                                    
He'll straighten me once and for all.                       
                                                            
49191 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



Perhaps a bionic One-Meter,                                 
With infinite Auto-Repeater.                                
Doc, pray does that come                                    
With bollocks that hum?                                     
And nubby soft bumps, and a heater?                         
                                                            
49192 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



The surgeon has got me unbent.                              
I've opened the bill that he sent.                          
The price of bionics                                        
Induced histrionics,                                        
But damn! This is worth every cent!                         
                                                            
49193 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



A beautiful prehensile glans                                
Will part your lips better than hands.                      
The G-rubbing thing                                         
May cause you to sing,                                      
Whenever it throbs and expands.                             
                                                            
49194 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



It's got twenty-two joints, and they're sprung              
With genetically engineered tongue.                         
And this excellent feature                                  
Just for you, my dear creature,                             
Will be tested 'round tit, taint, and bung.                 
                                                            
49195 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



And when I am ready to blow,                                
Just twist it to dial up a flow.                            
There's schnaps by the shot,                                
And if you're too hot,                                      
There's ice cream, cold lager, or snow!                     
                                                            
49196 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



Hey Captain, I've bought a new prod!                        
Let's test this one out on your rod.                        
There's nothing to fear;                                    
A little zap here...                                        
Oops!  That shorted you out, by God!                        
                                                            
49197 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Marlene Lewis            



But if, dear, you've got apple schnapps,                    
Could you squeeze me out a few drops?                       
I'll need a small drink                                     
Till you've fixed it, I think.                              
I'm sorry 'bout how the thing flops.                        
                                                            
49198 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Marlene Lewis            



I may have to leave in a trice;                             
The Captain has put me on ice.                              
And then there's this tag                                   
Attached to my gag,                                         
Which I think is showing a price.                           
                                                            
49199 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Marlene Lewis            



Oh Captain, My Captain!  Have mercy!                        
Oh please don't you sell me to Circe,                       
Or things multi-sex                                         
That start with an "X";                                     
They only want me for my Percy!                             
                                                            
49200 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Archie                   



Here I sit, snug in my quarters,                            
Showing my crank to a Xorters.                              
She's keen with the solder                                  
And tools that I bought her,                                
And laser-electro de-warters.                               
                                                            
49201 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



She's angling for First Mate position,                      
By building in nuclear fission.                             
I can't wait to do her                                      
And fill up her sewer                                       
Through radioactive coition.                                
                                                            
49202 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES H Whelchel               



When the first rays of sun start to glint                   
And we've finished the spark making stint,                  
Knowing I've had the best;                                  
I will sneak home to rest,                                  
There to patch up my dick with a splint.                    
                                                            
49203 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES                          



Did I mention that I happen to be                           
An expert on splinting? You see,                            
For the best effect                                         
You must keep it erect,                                     
And for that, you can depend on me!                         
                                                            
49204 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES                          



It seems that my erection stalls;                           
I just get it up when it falls.                             
I've difficulty                                             
With splinting, you see.                                    
By the way, do you make house calls?                        
                                                            
49205 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES                          



The right angle pecker of Jock                              
At first gave the ladies a shock,                           
But he gained their good graces                             
For it tickled the places                                   
Which had never been touched by a cock.                     
                                                            
49206 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Albin Chaplin   3024-0489



But Jock met the lady of Crewe                              
And he fucked up her bore straight and true.                
Because of the kink                                         
The navy did sink,                                          
And the kingdom was lost for a screw.                       
                                                            
49207 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Albin Chaplin   3024-0491



A teacher by name of Benoint                                
Was trying to make a good point                             
That his students could see                                 
About celibacy,                                             
So he tied a knot in his joint.                             
                                                            
49208 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES Puff Aadder              



That teacher who knotted his cock                           
Caused all of his students great shock.                     
He shot from his knob                                       
A spiraling gob                                             
That splattered all over the clock.                         
                                                            
49209 PENES - DAMAGED - BENT -SERIES That Guy                 



I met her one night on the strand                           
Where she'd frolicked all day in the sand.                  
This caused some abrasion                                   
To mar the occasion;                                        
'Cept for that, the encounter was grand.                    
                                                            
49210 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      John Miller 0016         



There was a young fellow named Runyan,                      
Whose pecker came down with a bunion.                       
When he had an erection,                                    
This painful infection,                                     
Gave off the faint odor of onion.                           
                                                            
49211 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          L1697



A dolly in Dallas named Alice,                              
Whose overworked sex is all callous,                        
Wore the foreskin away                                      
On uncircumsized Ray                                        
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.                  
                                                            
49212 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          G0501



A hapless young fellow was Horne,                           
Unlucky in love and forlorn.                                
He was not in demand,                                       
So he took things in hand,                                  
And now Horne has a corn on his horn.                       
                                                            
49213 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Pierce Evans             



A marvelous thing is a phallus,                             
I saw one in "Debbie Does Dallas."                          
Where under the glans.                                      
(I think it was Stan's)                                     
An erotical friction-caused callus.                         
                                                            
49214 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from East Dallas,                     
Who had a phenomenal phallus.                               
When he walked around,                                      
It dragged on the ground,                                   
Resulting in one nasty callus.                              
                                                            
49215 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Jim Weaver Collection    



A Protestant fellow, Bill Austin,                           
Had a goal that was simply exhaustin'.                      
He vowed that he'd screw                                    
Every girl at NYU.                                          
It's no wonder he wore off his foreskin.                    
                                                            
49216 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



Said David, a leader of Jews,                               
"In the matter of number of screws,                         
I can't compete with Bill;                                  
I must conserve my quill,                                   
'Cause I don't have a foreskin to lose."                    
                                                            
49217 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



In my sixties, I had an affair;                             
The woman was 18, mon cher.                                 
And my old waterspout--                                     
She just wore it out.                                       
I'm glad that I had Medicare!                               
                                                            
49218 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Al Willis           T9707



There was a young lady from Dallas                          
With a lovely penchant for phallus.                         
It was her lovers endeavor                                  
To sate her, however                                        
His manhood developed a great callus.                       
                                                            
49219 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      John Eggerton       P0106



A myopic young fellow named Clark                           
Raped a large poplar tree in the dark.                      
What a splendid surprise!                                   
Such tightness and size!                                    
But his foreskin got scraped on the bark.                   
                                                            
49220 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      G1999                    



The wonderful thing about Dallas                            
Is that it rhymes so well with Phallus.                     
A thing with delight,                                       
I play with all night.                                      
Don't believe me just look at this callus.                  
                                                            
49221 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                               



There's this legendary cowboy from Dallas                   
Whose lady friends built him a palace.                      
But it wasn't finesse                                       
That made them undress,                                     
It was the callused tip of his phallus.                     
                                                            
49222 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                               



There once was a young man from Dallas                      
Who so frequently fondled his phallus,                      
That the organ turned red.                                  
Then it blistered and bled.                                 
And developed a very large callus.                          
                                                            
49223 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Kranbollin         TP9901



There was a young man of Bombay,                            
Who modeled a cunt out of clay.                             
But the heat of his prick                                   
Turned the clay into brick,                                 
And wore all his foreskin away.                             
                                                            
49224 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          L1246



There once was a man from Dallas                            
Who wore on his dick a large callous.                       
He played with his tool                                     
Like a grinning big fool,                                   
And said "I beat, but do so without malice!"                
                                                            
49225 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a cowboy from Dallas                         
Whose girlfriends built him a palace.                       
It wasn't his attitude                                      
That elicited their gratitude.                              
It was the callus on the tip of his phallus.                
                                                            
49226 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Jim Weaver Collection    



After ten pints of old English scrumpy,                     
I fancied a quick round of humpy.                           
I reached for me cock;                                      
Imagine the shock                                           
It was covered in pips and most lumpy.                      
                                                            
49227 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                               



A cowboy from Texas named Rick                              
Round the fire never did care a lick,                       
For a bunch of tall tales;                                  
Of girls, gunfights, and jails;                             
He just poked at the coals with his dick.                   
                                                            
49228 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Don Moore           P9309



There once was a sailor named Wingy,                        
Whose flagpole grew ragged and stringy.                     
And his balls got so calloused                              
He used them for ballast,                                   
And sailed 'round the world in a dinghy.                    
                                                            
49229 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          G0491



The problem with sex on the sand                            
Is if you are too far inland,                               
And the sand is dry                                         
Well, then, me oh my,                                       
Those gritty rocks can scratch your gland.                  
                                                            
49230 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                               



There was a young fellow from Clare                         
Who just loved to run around bare.                          
He'd dangle his screwer                                     
Through the grate of a sewer --                             
The poor thing's begun to show wear.                        
                                                            
49231 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          G2295



I remember a chick, name of Alice;                          
The last time she blew me, a callous                        
Appeared on my shaft.                                       
She had warts fore and aft                                  
And a snatch like the top of a chalice.                     
                                                            
49232 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                               



There was a young man from Port Said,                       
Whose penis grew tattered and frayed.                       
Thus earning the jeers  (Thus earning the taunts)           
Of his Sadistic peers,  (Of his well-meaning aunts)         
And complaints from the women he'd laid.                    
                                                            
49233 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          G0422



There was a young fellow from Dallas,                       
Who enjoyed doing thing with his phallus.                   
So many tricks did he try,                                  
It became, by and by,                                       
Little more that a leather-tough callus.                    
                                                            
49234 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          L1260



As limp as a dish-rag I am,                                 
Since last Saturday evening with Pam.                       
I'm a sensitive soul,                                       
But she treated my pole                                     
As if merely a battering ram.                               
                                                            
49235 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                               



There was a young man of Cawnpore,                          
Whose tool was so awfully sore,                             
From slapping and rubbing,                                  
And pulling and drubbing,                                   
It was useless for what it was for.                         
                                                            
49236 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS                          G2100



In his padded cell lives Sammy Splay                        
Who models gal's plumbing in clay...                        
Ceramic coition                                             
Has him in sad condition.                                   
For he's worn his own plumbing away!                        
                                                            
49237 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Grand Prix Lim  703      



There was a bloke called Mike Hunt,                         
Who had a knob that was blunt.                              
He'd worn it away                                           
Attempting a lay,                                           
So now t'wouldn't fit in a cunt.                            
                                                            
49238 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Funny Bone               



Amid all the hairs it was rubbin',                          
My schlong is reduced to a nubbin.                          
But Cybe, don't you mock;                                   
It still packs a shock,                                     
Though only the edge it is scrubbin'.                       
                                                            
49239 PENES - DAMAGED - CALLOUS      Anon                     



This blonde girl that I was dating                          
Was no use when it came to fellating                        
She gave a wee cough                                        
And bit the end off                                         
And that was the end of my mating.                          
                                                            
49240 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                                 



In Japan, a young Yank with elation                         
Asked a whore for a new sex sensation.                      
But he went into shock                                      
When she bit off his cock,                                  
For the meaning was lost in translation.                    
                                                            
49241 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Albin Chaplin   3024-1775



A swami in far-off Assam                                    
Was caught by a man-eating clam.                            
This accounts for the nick                                  
On the end of his dick,                                     
And each testicle's shape like a cam.                       
                                                            
49242 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            G1977



Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum                              
The injun built a large totem.                              
But he became very sick                                     
When a bear ripped his dick,                                
And his nuts were so large he could float 'em.              
                                                            
49243 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Jim Weaver Collection    



Strong men have begun to be leery                           
Of coition with lissome Miss Erie.                          
While her tail's a delight,                                 
She has been known to bite                                  
One fellow till he became queery!                           
                                                            
49244 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Grand Prix Lim  601 G0641



There was a young man of Loch Ness,                         
Whose sexual life was a mess,                               
'Til the beast in the Loch                                  
Bit the head off his cock,                                  
Which solved all his problems, I guess!                     
                                                            
49245 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            G2034



There ws a young man from Kilkeel,                          
Who was bit on the dick by an eel.                          
When asked, did he suffer,                                  
He said, "No the cysts buffer.                              
Now if the wounds would only congeal."                      
                                                            
49246 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Great Britain;                   
With foreigners he was quite smitten.                       
But during one sixty-nine                                   
With a buck-toothed fraulein,                               
She sneezed and his todger got bitten.                      
                                                            
49247 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Raymond Davies           



A nasty virago named Alice,                                 
With more than a touch of pure malice,                      
Diddled long and sucked hard                                
On some handsome lifeguard,                                 
Then bit off the end of his phallus.                        
                                                            
49248 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Armand E Singer       389



There was a young fellow named Bob,                         
Who explained to his friends with a sob,                    
"The size of my phallus                                     
Was just right for Alice,                                   
'Till the night that she bit off the knob."                 
                                                            
49249 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            L1136



Said a roue from old Canadaigua                             
To his partner, "My God! What a haigua!"                    
She replied with harangues                                  
And a baring of fangs --                                    
Then she bit off his cock, like a jaguar.                   
                                                            
49250 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        R.A.M.              A085C



There once was a maidenly mystic                            
Whose habits approached the sadistic.                       
While kissing a chum,                                       
With one thumb up his bum,                                  
She bit off the end of his piss-stick.                      
                                                            
49251 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            G2041



There was a young fellow nost willing                       
To teach all the gals about squilling,                      
Till he met a virago                                        
Who bit off his pago,                                       
The while she was trilling, "How thrilling!"                
                                                            
49252 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            G2065



No way I am nice to a thief                                 
Who's already given me grief.                               
Cops are on the way;                                        
He won't run away,                                          
I've bitten him there with my teef!                         
                                                            
49253 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Marlene Lewis            



A hooker performing fellatio                                
Was startled by noise from a radio,                         
Her dentures did close                                      
On the poor fellow's hose,                                  
And ruined his pecker/height ratio.                         
                                                            
49254 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Parker Waterman     P0203



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.                    
One day he did slip                                         
And bit off the tip                                         
And spit it right into a bucket.                            
                                                            
49255 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a lady of Penge                              
Who was raped on a trip to Stonehenge                       
By her Druidic guide,                                       
Who is thought to have died                                 
When she bit off his cock in revenge.                       
                                                            
49256 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Anna Pest           P9005



A man who could not find a twat hole                        
Attempted to diddle a knothole,                             
When a dog took a quick                                     
Snap! and bit off his prick--                               
Where the man once had prong, now he's got hole.            
                                                            
49257 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            G2739



A sodomite pervert named Backer                             
For sex gave his dog a big cracker,                         
But through some odd quirk,                                 
The hound went berserk,                                     
And chewed off the fool's tallywhacker.                     
                                                            
49258 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Armand E Singer       987



There once was a man from Rochester,                        
Whose pecker eels managed to pester.                        
When asked if it ached,                                     
His whole body quaked,                                      
Mostly because the wounds fester.                           
                                                            
49259 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Kilkeel,                         
Who was bit on the dick by an eel.                          
Now it is for the best,                                     
If you fill in the rest,                                    
For the eel didn't much like its meal.                      
                                                            
49260 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Jim Weaver Collection    



An evil bridge-player named Sam                             
Once attemptyed to bugger a clam.                           
When it snapped shut its shell,                             
He let out a yell--                                         
This maneuver is called the Grand Slam.                     
                                                            
49261 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                           G1977a



There once was a woman named Lana,                          
Who liked to give head in the sauna.                        
The steam was so thick,                                     
That she bit off a dick;                                    
Now they call her the human pirana.                         
                                                            
49262 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                                 



There once was a young lad named Mickey,                    
Whose girl loved to suck his big dickey.                    
But she bit it all out                                      
Leaving not even a spout;                                   
All that she left was a hickey.                             
                                                            
49263 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Buttnugget               



There was a contortionist Bach,                             
Who tried a new twist with Miss Flock.                      
But he slipped on some shit,                                
And her nipple he bit,                                      
And she bit off the end of his cock.                        
                                                            
49264 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Albin Chaplin   3024-1754



In Uganda a tourist named Ryan,                             
Had his manhood nipped off by a lion.                       
He cried, "Now I'm sorry                                    
I made this safari,                                         
For my great virile days are fast dyin'!"                   
                                                            
49265 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Grand Prix Lim  412 G0685



A dynamic young cocksman maned Flood,                       
Who was thinking of standing at stud,                       
Had his instrument nipped                                   
By some dentures that slipped.                              
His career had been nipped in the pud!                      
                                                            
49266 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Jim Weaver Collection    



A man who was richer than Croesus,                          
Enjoyed being sucked off by feces.                          
'Till a vicious old hound                                   
Thought his stake was ground round,                         
And chewed it completely to pieces.                         
                                                            
49267 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            L0589



There once was a colonel named Jack                         
Who taught wartime dogs to attack.                          
A doberman pinscher                                         
Bit off his ten-incher,                                     
And now he's a high-ranking WAC.                            
                                                            
49268 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        World               P8307



There was a zipper that was bad,                            
Within its teeth, my dickie felt sad.                       
As I pulled it free,                                        
It jumped up with glee;                                     
Best piece of brass I've ever had.                          
                                                            
49269 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                                 



An unlikely Greek name of Croesus                           
Was messing around with a rhesus.                           
The monkey right quick                                      
Bit off the man's dick,                                     
But surgeons sewed on a prosthesis.                         
                                                            
49270 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Armand E Singer       441



A horny old pederast zoophile                               
Tried to bugger a crocodile juvenile.                       
They're hoping that soon                                    
The parts that are strewn,                                  
Will produce enough penis to reconcile.                     
                                                            
49271 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                                 



Of course, man, I still have my member,                     
But it was nigh lost in December,                           
When Sister Chris clawed it,                                
And chomped it and sawed it.                                
It's there, man, but ragged and limber!                     
                                                            
49272 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                                 



There once was a sadist named Alice                         
Possessed of considerable malice.                           
She'd open up wide,                                         
Let a man get inside,                                       
Then her grip would clip off his whole phallus.             
                                                            
49273 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            G1972



A self-conscious diver named Mark                           
Had his dick bitten off by a shark.                         
A new one was fitted,                                       
Which his mum had knitted.                                  
Now he will only shag in the dark.                          
                                                            
49274 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Anon                     



I once knew a girl named Naomi;                             
I begged her, but she wouldn't blow me.                     
So I held her head tight,                                   
But she started to bite.                                    
Now I have to sit down when I go pee.                       
                                                            
49275 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Preben Hansen            



There was a young man from Biloxi,           (MI)           
Who said to the girls, "Here's my cock. See?"               
But a maiden for spite                                      
Chewed it off in a fight.                                   
So now all his sex is by proxy.                             
                                                            
49276 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Julia Strawn        P8805



I know all about Old King Cole,                             
He'd put his prick in any hole.                             
When he put his pud                                         
In a tree in the wood,                                      
A squirrel soon chomped off his pole.                       
                                                            
49277 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                                 



There once was a wicked old actor                           
Who waylaid a young girl and attacked her.                  
In reply to this trick                                      
She bit off his prick,                                      
And thus remained 'virgo intacta'.                          
                                                            
49278 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP                            G1969



The thing I most like about Friday,                         
It's the end of the week (my real high day).                
But I yelled and turned green                               
This Unlucky Thirteen,                                      
'Cause my willy got caught in my fly-way!                   
                                                            
49279 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Friar              TP9802



At the circus, a man from Niagara                           
Stuck his thing in the mouth of a tiagra...                 
Though he is still alive,                                   
His sex won't revive --                                     
It can't even be helped by Viagra.                          
                                                            
49280 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        Vassar Smith        P9807



There was an old man from Peru                              
Whose penis would play peekaboo.                            
His wife caused his plight                                  
When she once took a bite                                   
Of his dickie, which now shrinks from view.                 
                                                            
49281 PENES - DAMAGED - CHOMP        OgniGioia                



A MESHUGGENER maven I knew,                                 
Was tired of being a Jew,                                   
And in attempt sad,                                         
A foreskin he'd add;                                        
He know pees all over his shoe.                             
                                                            
49282 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Chris Papa               



A cabin boy on an old clipper,                              
Was quite a bit of a nipper.                                
He plugged his ass                                          
With fragments of glass,                                    
And circumcised the skipper.                                
(also in The Good Ship Venus - McW)                         
49283 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



A blind and eccentric old mohel                             
Said, "Less of that damn baby oil!                          
I'm going by braille.                                       
One slip and I'll fail,                                     
The poor lad's whole sex life I'd spoil."                   
                                                            
49284 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



The hardworking mohel goes to the bank                      
After staking his moil on the flank.                        
The Bris kit suffices                                       
Like grilling devices,                                      
To cauterize wounds shaft and shank.                        
                                                            
49285 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Daniel Ford              



A boy whose skin long I suppose is,                         
Was dreadfully ill with phymosis.                           
The doctor said, "Why,                                      
Circumcision we'll try,                                     
A plan recommended by Moses.                                
(Phymosis - stopping up of an orifice)                      
49286 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                           L1122



With the elephants works our friend Marge,                  
Circumcising the beasts in her charge.                      
Though the salary's low,                                    
She does not want for dough,                                
For the tips that she gets are quite large.                 
                                                            
49287 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Bob Giandomenico    P8712



Performing his thirty-third bris,                           
The rabbi ate what he missed.                               
He downed it with cheddar,                                  
And said it was better                                      
Than umbilical cords smothered with swiss.                  
                                                            
49288 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       J. Strackokiovic         



There was a young man named Royal,                          
Whose ambition was to be a moyel.                           
He worked and he toiled,                                    
But was finally foiled,                                     
When he tried it out on a goil.                             
(moyel - one who circumcizes)                               
49289 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                           L1732



There is a young doctor named Phipps,                       
When asked what he does, always quips,                      
"I do circumcision                                          
With utmost precision                                       
And make all my money on tips."                             
                                                            
49290 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                           P8305



Reminiscent of time after Tut,                              
When Moses replied to God, "But                             
The Arabs get the oil,                                      
And the Chosen get moyel                                    
To cut off the end of our what?!"                           
                                                            
49291 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Daniel Ford              



A mohel said to me over tea                                 
"It's too bad I'm Jewish; you see.                          
I've saved lots of foreskins,                               
Fourscore or more skins...                                  
How at Christmas they'd deck out a tree!"                   
                                                            
49292 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



"Now let's let the foreskin uncoil,"                        
Said the rabbi at his ritual MOIL.                          
The squirming kid cried                                     
At keen blade applied,                                      
Which would his wee member despoil.                         
                                                            
49293 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Chris Papa               



An extremely short-kilted North Briton                      
Sat carelessly down on a kitten;                            
But the kitten had claws,                                   
The immediate cause                                         
Of the Scotsman's abrupt circumcision.                      
                                                            
49294 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Linda Marsh Coll         



Your first circumcision? Well Bob;                          
Are you ready? Then lift up his knob;                       
Take a breath now and whack                                 
Off his ... slash off his ... hack                          
Off his ... Shit! That's a pretty poor job.                 
                                                            
49295 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



I bet you're now sadder, but wise.                          
A zipper can really incise                                  
A floppy foreskin.                                          
Next time tuck it in,                                       
Or consider this word -- circumcise.                        
                                                            
49296 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Cybe R Wizard            



There once was a young guy whose rocket                     
Got caught twixt the chain and the sprocket;                
It really surprised him,                                    
When it circumcised him---                                  
Now he keeps the foreskin in his pocket!                    
                                                            
49297 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



The mid-century birth of some boys                          
Brought circumcision even to goys.                          
So now you will find                                        
Many friends in kind,                                       
With no foreskin protection for toys.                       
                                                            
49298 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Daniel                   



A mohel who had been defrocked,                             
Circumcised a man, who was shocked.                         
"You cut it all wrong --                                    
It  WAS  twice this long!"                                  
The angry man went off, half cocked.                        
                                                            
49299 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



A stalwart young Klansman named Hugh                        
Once dreamed he turned into a Jew.                          
He awoke with a shock                                       
And examined his cock,                                      
And found the poor thing had turned blue.                   
(And found it was perfectly true.)                          
49300 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                           G0364



To the Chosen I bid hearty mozel tov!                       
When they snip a bit of the schnozzle off.                  
But God's Law                                               
Of Brit Milah                                               
Is to slice a piece of the nozzle off!                      
                                                            
49301 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       MrMalo                   



A rabbinical doctor named Phipps,                           
When asked what he does, always quips,                      
"I work with the moil;                                      
With precision I toil,                                      
And I make all my money in tips!                            
                                                            
49302 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Garold Amadon            



Performing his thirty-third bris,                           
The moyl gave the shmeckel a 'kiss'.                        
With chin-whiskers bloody,                                  
He said to his buddy,                                       
"I'm glad that the kid didn't piss!"                        
                                                            
49303 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



A surgeon of some imprecision                               
Decided on self-circumcision.                               
A slip of the knife --                                      
"Oh dear," said his wife,                                   
"Our sex life will need some revision".                     
                                                            
49304 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       L O'Halloran             



A circumsized dick is the best;                             
It sticks out from all of the rest.                         
When asked which is better,                                 
The women get wetter,                                       
With no turtleneck, just a vest.                            
                                                            
49305 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Lims For Year - 01       



Said the doctor "Your chart says right here                 
That your foreskin you'd like us to shear.                  
Such a Jewish decision.                                     
After my circumcision,                                      
I couldn't walk for a year!"                                
                                                            
49306 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Res Ipsa                 



In rest rooms, a guy named Elias,                           
Wreaks havoc; the wherefore and why is                      
Inaccurate aim,                                             
And he places the blame                                     
On a rabbi who cut on the bias.                             
                                                            
49307 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old mohel named Stiers                         
Who often drank too many beers.                             
When a botched incision                                     
Required revision,                                          
He cleaned up with old pinking shears.                      
                                                            
49308 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Bob Moers          TP9807



Boasted Humperdink as he was jinking                        
The chink of the girl he was linking,                       
"You may laugh with derision,                               
But my circumcision                                         
Was done with some shears meant for pinking."               
                                                            
49309 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Stu Lucas           P9601



Tonsils removed: tonsillectomy;                             
Uterus out: hysterectomy;                                   
But they've made the choice,                                
Little boy with no voice...                                 
Snippity-snip: prepucectomy!                                
                                                            
49310 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Prof                     



Wailed hospital chief, Dr. Moses,                           
"Our clinic's not coming up roses;                          
May the dear Jesus keep us,                                 
You've chopped off the wrong prepuce,                       
And far worse, the prick it encloses.                       
                                                            
49311 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Armand E Singer       476



"At the thought of a forced circumcision,                   
By her organ of steely precision,                           
I found lacking the essence                                 
Of my recent tumescence,"                                   
Lamented poor Hugh, with derision.                          
                                                            
49312 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



There was an old mohel named Schmucks                       
Who saves all the foreskins he plucks.                      
Delightful pate,                                            
He serves on a tray,                                        
And all the guests think it is ducks!                       
                                                            
49313 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       H                        



On the limerick, I've made my decision;                     
How to shorten, I have a provision.                         
It should gain wide approval --                             
Merely foreskin removal                                     
By a method well-known -- circumcision.                     
                                                            
49314 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Albin Chaplin       P9104



All foreskins I keep in a case.                             
Got some from an alien race.                                
You ready for this?                                         
Don't take it amiss                                         
For yours may remain in its place.                          
                                                            
49315 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



You know it's not only the Yid                              
Who's been cut to show what had been hid,                   
The doc took a whittle                                      
To my own little piddle,                                    
And I'm glad that he stopped when he did.                   
                                                            
49316 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       MrMalo                   



There was an old rabbi named Phipps                         
Who circumcised babies with snips.                          
But the government frowned                                  
And his goods did impound,                                  
When he failed to pay tax on his tips.                      
                                                            
49317 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Albin Chaplin   3024-2227



Capitation, they say, Is a vision.                          
To charge for each head's their decision.                   
You could ask Doctor Boone,                                 
The Texas tycoon,                                           
But that's what I call circumcision.                        
                                                            
49318 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Jim Weaver Collection    



The mohel takes foreskin in hand                            
And snips a young male of the land.                         
Then a relation                                             
Who is a station-                                           
er, sells someone a small rubber band.                      
                                                            
49319 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Professor                



A gentleman living in Nassau                                
Had a fondness for using a handsaw.                         
That one bad decision                                       
Used for circumcision;                                      
Now he's mastered the thousand piece jigsaw.                
                                                            
49320 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Robert Elliot            



Another old mohel, name of Sol                              
Said with astonishing gall,                                 
"With the left-over bits                                    
I'll beef up the tits                                       
Of my under-endowed Barbie Doll."                           
                                                            
49321 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM                                



"Just a wart on the foreskin of fate!                       
That's what you are, Keith," hollered Kate,                 
"And I'd not be surprised                                   
If you've been circumsised,                                 
And what was cut off used for bait!"                        
                                                            
49322 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Grand Prix Lim  491      



I hope the whittling on your piddle                         
Occurred when you were very little.                         
'Cause if you were grown,                                   
When they whittled your bone,                               
It might be a while before you diddle.                      
                                                            
49323 PENES - DAMAGED - CIRCUM       Kaylin Brandon           



For women he had an addiction,                              
And chased 'em with lust and conviction,                    
'Til put to the knife                                       
By one jealous wife,                                        
Who cured his addiction to friction.                        
                                                            
49324 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Frank                    



His sister-in-law, have you seen her?                       
Just tried the same thing, only meaner.                     
She cut the poor guy                                        
But sliced through his thigh --                             
They're charging her with misdewiener.                      
                                                            
49325 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Ericka                   



Oh Ericka!  You should be cursed                            
For slaking your limerick thirst                            
With a groaner so awful,                                    
It should be unlawful.                                      
I wish I had thought of it first!                           
                                                            
49326 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          John Miller              



He's addicted to busting his nut.                           
A man who produced his own smut,                            
After his wife's deed,                                      
He felt a great need                                        
To star in "John Bobbitt, uncut!"                           
                                                            
49327 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          I R Canuck               



This is not quite the answer you seek,                      
But after his wife made him a freak,                        
He starred in some porn                                     
With a sewn on horn,                                        
But I hear his erections were weak.                         
                                                            
49328 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          I R Canuck               



CATERCORNER cuts can cause the blues,                       
As when a mohel will abuse                                  
A foreskin on wee                                           
Fellow, who'd pee                                           
Forever now over his shoes.                                 
                                                            
49329 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Chris Papak              



Till that hernia near Osawatomie,                           
The girls that I knew had a lot of me.                      
When I woke, though, that mad                               
Perissotomist had                 (knife-happy surgeon)     
Put an end to that with a peotomy. (cutting into penis)     
                                                            
49330 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          A. N. Wilkins       P8801



There was a sharecropper named Hopper                       
Whose organs were caught in a chopper.                      
His gonads were tangled;                                    
His pecker was mangled;                                     
It looked like a truncated stopper.                         
                                                            
49331 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Albin Chaplin   3024-1795



Arrived late, 'twas the doctor's mild boast                 
That he'd severed a penis, almost.                          
From the hostess a groan,                                   
"You cut clear to the bone?"                                
And the men drank a toast to their host.                    
                                                            
49332 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT                              G0260



John Miller, inventive as ever,                             
Is working on ways that have never                          
Been used to attach                                         
A dick with dispatch,                                       
In case his own meets with a sever.                         
                                                            
49333 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Peter Wilkins            



Having sex with my Mary takes guts                          
For her mouth is too close to my Nuts.                      
I've Been lucky so far,                                     
There is only one scar,                                     
But the shaft has been covered in cuts.                     
                                                            
49334 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT                                   



There was an old man from New York,                         
Whose tool was a dry as a cork.                             
While attempting to screw,                                  
He split it in two,                                         
And now his tool is a fork.                                 
                                                            
49335 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT                              L1201



There was an old man with a beard,                          
Who sat on a Horse when he reared;                          
But they said, "Never mind!                                 
You will fall off behind."                                  
He did and his privates got sheared.                        
                                                            
49336 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Edwardian Leer 103       



There was a young lady from Gorton                          
Who used a big cleaver to shorten                           
The prick of her lad,                                       
'Cause she thought it had                                   
A head that looked like Graham Norton.                      
                                                            
49337 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT                                   



Said Paula as she knelt on the floor-o,                     
While Bubba did his best to score-o,                        
"That scar on his dicky,                                    
It really looks tricky.                                     
I'll bet it's the mark made by Zorro!"                      
                                                            
49338 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Jim Schaefer       TP9802



He'd come a long way, had young Kain,                       
Finding exquisite pleasure in pain.                         
'Til he plunked in the blender                              
A chunk of his gender;                                      
He'll never come that way again.                            
                                                            
49339 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Pierce Evans             



"You're too good and too quick for me,"                     
Said the sheep-shearer Mary McGee.                          
"If you'd not been so hasty,                                
My shears would not graze thee,                             
And you'd not gone off half-cocked, you see."               
                                                            
49340 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Gearhart                 



A strange little fellow named Binder                        
Offers to all men this reminder.                            
"Zip up your pants                                          
If it is by chance                                          
You may be near an organ grinder."                          
                                                            
49341 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Tom Patton          P9606



Behold the plight of Sir Hickle,                            
Who mistook his prick for a pickle.                         
Just one slight incision,                                   
The result of poor vision,                                  
Has left him to pee at a trickle.                           
                                                            
49342 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Phineas Fogg             



There once was a husband named Decker,                      
Who ate many strange pussies like nectar.                   
With his wife in tears,                                     
She grabbed pinking shears,                                 
Made a fringe 'round the head of his pecker.                
                                                            
49343 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Laurence Craft           



At first glance, her sweetheart was nice,                   
But she found he was cheating her twice.                    
His sex time was cut,                                       
And she kicked his big butt,                                
And his privates she threatened to slice.                   
                                                            
49344 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Jim Weaver Collection    



Now the neighborhood lecher, Old Louie,                     
Having come, feeling sticky and gooey,                      
To cool off, the poor man                                   
Stuck his dick near a fan --                                
What was left looks a lot like Chop Suey.                   
                                                            
49345 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Armand E Singer       970



An uncircumcised fellow named Wetzell                       
Had a hardon the shape of a pretzel,                        
Till one evening his wife                                   
Trimmed it down with a knife,                               
Thus transforming his putz to a petzel!                     
(petzel - Bavarian diminuitive for little bitch or bear)    
49346 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Vassar Smith        P9403



Determined, a fellow named Fife,                            
Who loved more than most the good life,                     
He noticed his prick                                        
Was becoming too thick,                                     
And resharpened the end with a knife.                       
                                                            
49347 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Armand E Singer       811



A kinky young man named Martinez,                           
Liked to carve grooves in his penis.                        
To make it so rough,                                        
It would scuff the tough muff,                              
And bring her passion to a zenith.                          
                                                            
49348 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT                                   



I heard that your "thing" is tremendous,                    
Or so I was told round at Brenda's.                         
But there's been some revision,                             
After the doctor's incision,                                
When you ensnared it in Brenda's suspenders!                
                                                            
49349 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Jim Weaver Collection    



There wan an old man of the Nile,                           
Who sharpened his nail with a file.                         
Till he cut off his glans,                                  
And said calmly, "A man's                                   
On life's short end once in a while."                       
                                                            
49350 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Edwardian Leer 065  P9306



A rapist whose record was spotty,                           
Waylaid a young woman named Lottie.                         
But he went into shock                                      
When she flipped out his cock,                              
And cut off his career with karate.                         
                                                            
49351 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT                                   



There once was a man named Roger,                           
Who was a randy old codger.                                 
He gave the rub                                             
To a wagonwheel hub                                         
And darn near sliced off his todger!                        
                                                            
49352 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Annie Jay                



An impetuous student named Gray,                            
Whose erection persisted one day,                           
Chose a strange thing to do;                                
He cut it in two                                            
And went off half-cocked, you might say.                    
                                                            
49353 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT          Larry Beezley            



Growing tired of her husband's great mass,                  
A young bride inserted some glass.                          
The prick of her hubby                                      
Is now short and stubby,                                    
While the wife can now piss through her ass.                
                                                            
49354 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT                              L1195



Said a butcher's apprentice from Frome                      
Who aspired to be bride (and not groom),                    
"With some knives from the shop,                            
I shall do my own op."                                      
And these words are inscribed on his tomb.                  
                                                            
49355 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Linda Marsh Coll         



Unknown to the poor guy from Asia,                          
She hid in her muff a sharp razor.                          
Before he did realize,                                      
He was Bobbittized;                                         
Beware Brenda Diana Duff-Frazer!                            
                                                            
49356 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Jim Weaver Collection    



A sexy old fellow named Bonner,                             
Is remembered, though long since a goner,                   
For when he got sick                                        
His wife cut off his dick,                                  
And cast it in bronze in his honor.                         
                                                            
49357 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                               



Young Henry McDonald-McGhee                                 
Was a name unfamiliar to me.                                
Caught him with my wife;                                    
I did not take his life,                                    
But now he's unable to pee.                                 
                                                            
49358 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                               



There was a young widow named Gherrity,                     
Who said, with a mordant asperity,                          
"I'd have cut off his dilly,                                
To use occasionally,                                        
Had he not willed the thing to a charity."                  
                                                            
49359 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          G2134



Said the Duchess, "Young man, you lack power,               
We've been trying to screw for an hour!"                    
He said, "Look, it's my stump,                              
The Queen, after a hump,                                    
Had its head chopped clean off at the Tower."               
                                                            
49360 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Theo Heller         P9212



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
Met an alien girl in a bar.                                 
But I ran like mad                                          
When I saw that she had                                     
A collection of dicks in a jar!                             
                                                            
49361 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Blowcephus          T9801



The penis of Scrabbleton Skink                              
Was set in a curious kink.                                  
So he cut off the end                                       
Where it started to bend,                                   
And used it for mixing his drink.                           
                                                            
49362 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Albin Chaplin 3024  G0452



A long-daubered dauber named Drew                           
Daubed every waspette that he knew;                         
But his long-suffering wife                                 
With a long paring knife                                    
Cut the long-daubered's dauber in two.                      
                                                            
49363 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      William N. Nesbit   P9611



I once knew a terrible bragger                              
Who walked with a clump and a swagger.                      
The reason, they say,                                       
That the guy walked this way                                
Was, his dick was cut off with a dagger.                    
                                                            
49364 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          G1993



There once was a seamstress named Molly,                    
Whose boyfriend was called Long Dong Wally.                 
One day I am told,                                          
He poked the wrong hole,                                    
And she cut off his ding dong, by golly!                    
                                                            
49365 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Pookapocka               



That wily whoremaster, McBeer,                              
Laid cheating wives nightly all year,                       
Till caught in the bed                                      
Of a frau of Burnstead,                                     
And her husband cut off his career.                         
                                                            
49366 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          G2035



There was a young fellow name Leif,                         
Who wanted to be a sex thief.                               
He tried hard to wrecker;                                   
She cut off his pecker;                                     
His career was amazingly brief.                             
                                                            
49367 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Jim Weaver Collection    



A passionate pilot named Bligh                              
Wooed other guy's wives in the sky.                         
Now this great amoretto                                     
Is talking falsetto,                                        
'Cause they cut off his source of supply.                   
                                                            
49368 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Gordon Groene       P2005



I'm sorry I cannot agree,                                   
For the story related to me                                 
Was that Tillie, his wife,                                  
Chopped it up with a knife                                  
And made willie con carne for tea.                          
                                                            
49369 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Peter Wilkins            



A virgin by name of Miss Proper                             
Refuses all offers to bop her.                              
Quite probably if                                           
Propositioned, she'd sniff                                  
And disdainfully lop off your chopper.                      
                                                            
49370 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Peter Wilkins            



A horny young fellow named Redge,                           
Was jerking off under a hedge.                              
The gardener grew near                                      
With a huge pruning shear,                                  
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.                      
                                                            
49371 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          L1212



The horny young widow of Fred                               
Just couldn't relinquish her dead;                          
His tool she embalmed                                       
With oil of the palm,                                       
Preserving his stiffness in bed.                            
                                                            
49372 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Mark Levy           P9402



While cutting up meat, butcher Tedder,                      
Fell down with his cock in the shredder.                    
It came out like chopped veal,                              
But in time it did heal,                                    
And he said it went off a lot better.                       
                                                            
49373 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Albin Chaplin   3024-1824



His sister had kept a cool head                             
On finding the snake in her bed;                            
He didn't lose heart                                        
But next night put a part                                   
Of their dear father's in there, instead.                   
                                                            
49374 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Beelzebub                



When the White man attempted to run,                        
The Indians made him a fool.                                
They cut off his nuts                                       
To hang in their huts,                                      
And stuffed up his mouth with his tool.                     
                                                            
49375 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          L1216



There was an old goddess named Venus,                       
Who loved young Adonis' penis.                              
When Jupiter, the fool,                                     
Cut off the boy's tool,                                     
She remarked, "Please don't come between us."               
                                                            
49376 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          L1700



There once was a man from the isthmus,                      
Who swam the canal every Christmas.                         
He once mis-timed a lock                                    
And it severed his cock,                                    
And it cost him the love of his mistress.                   
                                                            
49377 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Puff Adder               



There was once a man they called Beela,                     
Who would play with his dick for the feela.                 
His girlfriend got mad,                                     
Cut his dick off, that's sad!                               
And now the poor fellow's called Shiela.                    
                                                            
49378 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Jim Weaver Collection    



His sweetheart so deftly scratched Boyd,                    
As to render him sexually void.                             
She is now serving time                                     
For the heinous crime,                                      
Of using the nails to de-Freud.                             
                                                            
49379 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          G1992



"It's a delicate, intricate job,"                           
Said the surgeon, "Now, forceps and swab,                   
Nurse; and scalpel and chis-                                
el. Don't laugh -- it's not ris-                            
ible...Shit! Now I've cut off his knob!"                    
                                                            
49380 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Peter Wilkins            



Said Fred about his girlfriend's beaver,                    
"The only way was to deceive her,                           
But she caught on real quick,                               
Grabbed hold of his dick,                                   
And chopped it off with a meat cleaver!"                    
                                                            
49381 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                               



My love life was changed last July,                         
When a meteor fell from the sky;                            
The bit of hot rock,                                        
Which shortened my cock,                                    
Cut sex cause it left me two shy.                           
                                                            
49382 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Joel D Ash               



A sad story is Longfellow Post,                             
Who cut off his manhood to roast...                         
He said, "It's delicious,                                   
But I am suspicious                                         
It's the thing I'll be missing the most."                   
                                                            
49383 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Grand Prix Lim  852      



A horny young fellow named Enos,                            
Liked to screw and then feed me his penis.                  
Till one day his wife,                                      
Whipped out a knife,                                        
And there's no hard feelings between us.                    
                                                            
49384 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Loretta F          TP9802



A person should never make plans with                       
A gadget that one opens cans with.                          
The lid, sharp and round,                                   
Very often falls down                                       
And cuts off what you use to romance with.                  
                                                            
49385 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Theo M. Heller      P9304



A surgical patient from Mystic                              
Went totally bonkers, ballistic;                            
When opening his gown                                       
To pull out his (NOUN),                                     
He found they had lopped off his piss stick.                
                                                            
49386 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Armand E Singer       477



There once was a butcher called Eva,                        
Who carelessy manhandled her cleaver.                       
Whilst shagging Old Mick,                                   
She sliced off his dick,                                    
And went without filling her beaver.                        
                                                            
49387 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                               



An old Western husband named Fife                           
Found cowhands in bed with his wife.                        
He picked up his Greener     (shotgun)                      
And shot off their weiner                                   
Then cut off their nuts with a knife.                       
                                                            
49388 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Armand E Singer       463



An oversexed rancher from Butte                             
Is just an unprincipled brute;                              
Why his wife caught him coming                              
In their own daughter's plumbing,                           
And lopped off his prick at the root.                       
                                                            
49389 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Armand E Singer       861



There once was this man from Belgrade,                      
Who pissed on the Turks as they prayed.                     
Said the Turk, "Bugger this!                                
This is certainly piss!"                                    
So they hacked off his prick with a spade.                  
                                                            
49390 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Trevor Hennock           



Doc, yesterday while wielding my hatchet,                   
It slipped before I could catch it.                         
It sliced through my pants                                  
And severed my lance.                                       
Do you think that perhaps you could patch it?               
                                                            
49391 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Shakes Younger Bro  T9707



A penitent rakehell named Johns                             
Ceased sex to become a true bonze,   (Buddhist monk)        
But their rules were so strict                              
That they had him depricked;                                
He begged them, "Preserve it in bronze!"                    
                                                            
49392 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Armand E Singer       657



Said epicure Fanny Burdette,                                
"I've known but one minor regret.                           
I've longed deeply to slice                                 
Off my husband's device,                                    
And serve it as 'prick vinaigrette'."                       
(pre Bobbitt)                                               
49393 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Armand E Singer       419



There was an old sailor named Spooner;                      
Who met a young lass and harpooned her.                     
She asked, "In as much                                      
As your weapon lacked touch,                                
Mind if next time I wield a small pruner?"                  
                                                            
49394 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Jim Weaver Collection    



A hungover rentboy named Dave,                              
Rose at twelve for a shit and a shave;                      
But his uncertain grip                                      
Caused the razor to slip;                                   
He now earns his living as Maeve.                           
                                                            
49395 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Simon Whitechapel        



A girl of as graceful a mien,                               
As ever in London was seen,                                 
Stepped into a pub,                                         
Hit a man with a club,                                      
And razored to shreds, his machine.                         
                                                            
49396 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          L1196



There was an old fellow named Fletcher,                     
A lewd and perverted old lecher.                            
In a spirit of meanness,                                    
He cut off his penis,                                       
And now he regrets it, I betcha.                            
                                                            
49397 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          L1420



A cohabiting coot in East Cooter                            
Proved to be an unsuitable suitor...                        
When he cried to Miss Wise,                                 
"Let's try it for size!"                                    
Her wrathful Dad rendered him neuter.                       
                                                            
49398 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Grand Prix Lim  518      



A curious mammal's the beaver;                              
The one's women carry are teasers.                          
Men lose their shirts                                       
When girls lift their skirts,                               
And then chop off their pricks with a cleaver.              
                                                            
49399 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Anon               TP9901



A statue-denutter named Newt                                
Thought statues with no nuts were cute.                     
But his efforts did fizzle                                  
When he slipped with his chisel                             
And he severed his prick at the root.                       
                                                            
49400 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Albin Chaplin   3024-1809



An Arab Prince named Abdul,                                 
Was blessed with a marvelous jewel,                         
Till a girl named Loreena                                   
Climbed up the verbena,                                     
And severed his sixteen-inch tool.                          
                                                            
49401 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lad from New Haven                        
Who decided his balls needed shavin'.                       
He slipped with his Shick                                   
And sliced off his dick,                                    
And now he's in Middletown, ravin'!                         
                                                            
49402 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                               



A young harem guard leaned to retract it;                   
Passed as eunuch, (let nothing distract it).                
But aroused by femme charm,                                 
This lad bought the farm,                                   
When the sheik spied his whatnot and hacked it.             
                                                            
49403 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Allen Wolverton          



Lying, cheating and stealing don't mix;                     
Consider the tale of Bob Fix.                               
He bedded Clyde's Bonnie;                                   
Clyde sliced his salami.                                    
Now he's know as Robert Nobricks.                           
                                                            
49404 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      MrMalo                   



Oedipus, Oedipus, Oedipus Smith,                            
Could copulate only with kin and/or kith.                   
Till they cut off his penis,                                
And thereafter Venus,                                       
To him was a beautiful, innocent myth.                      
                                                            
49405 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          L1699



A fellow who wanted a free lay                              
Made a trade for some pussy at Ebay.                        
As he mailed off his pecker                                 
He said, "What the heck! For                                
If worst comes to worst, I can be gay."                     
                                                            
49406 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Don Moore           P2005



There was a young man named Reg,                            
Who was courting a girl in the hedge.                       
His wife came along,                                        
With a carving knife on,                                    
And cut off his meat and two veg.                           
                                                            
49407 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Jim Weaver Collection    



A suspicious old lady of Datchet                            
Cut her husband's prick off with a hatchet,                 
And she hid it away                                         
In her fridge in a tray,                                    
For she feared some young lady would snatch it.             
                                                            
49408 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Albin Chaplin            



There once was a pervert called Reg                         
Who molested a girl in a hedge.                             
Along came his wife                                         
With a huge carving knife                                   
And cut off his meat and two veg                            
                                                            
49409 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Anon                     



There was a young fellow from Datchet,                      
Who cut off his tool with a hatchet.                        
When someone asked why,                                     
He was heard to reply,                                      
"It removes the temptation to scratch it."                  
                                                            
49410 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Jim Weaver Collection    



A frustrated female of Burley,                              
On finding her mate had come early,                         
Laid her hand on an axe                                     
And with one or two whacks,                                 
Soon reduced him to one short and curly                     
                                                            
49411 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF      Hugh Oliver         A042B



He approached her with gentle affection                     
And a prominent outthrust erection.                         
But the love of his life                                    
Grabbed a big carving knife,                                
And--(see Diagram 6: Conic Section).                        
                                                            
49412 PENES - DAMAGED - CUT OFF                          G1970



With the heat of their passion quite high,                  
In the dark she had grabbed the K-Y,                        
But her burning desire,                                     
Quickly set him on fire,                                    
When she smeared that Ben-Gay on the guy.                   
                                                            
49413 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                             



A cowboy once thought he would brand                        
An onery heifer by hand.                                    
She kicked him in the fire;                                 
Now his voice is much higher;                               
He unmanned himself, branding his gland.                    
                                                            
49414 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Robin K. Willoughby P8412



There was an old man lived in Dublin;                       
Heats his soup on the hearth until bubblin'.                
Tried to dish a bowl quick;                                 
Spilled it all on his dick;                                 
And he burned it right down to a nubblin'.                  
                                                            
49415 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                             



From your limerick I got such a tickle,                     
So I'll tell you about my old pickle.                       
As I peed in the snow,                                      
I felt winter winds blow                                    
And my dick was froze like an icicle.                       
                                                            
49416 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Robert Birch             



Well, my wife heard me yell out in awe,                     
For I looked down and guess what I saw?                     
'Twas my short little dick,                                 
Just as hard as a brick,                                    
And I cried out, "Come look at this, maw!"                  
                                                            
49417 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Robert Birch             



On her face I could see her surprise,                       
Seems she could not believe her own eyes,                   
For my little old cock                                      
Was froze firm as a rock,                                   
And in fact it looked two times it's size.                  
                                                            
49418 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Robert Birch             



So she yelled, "You get into this house,"                   
As she tore off her skirt and her blouse.                   
Though the weather was frightful,                           
We shared things delightful,                                
On that day that I cold-cocked my spouse!                   
                                                            
49419 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Robert Birch             



A candler named Chandler once lusted                        
For a lady he should have mistrusted.                       
Where she put his candle                                    
Was too hot to handle,                                      
And that's how his candle combusted.                        
                                                            
49420 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Pierce Evans             



A very old gent name of Crockett                            
Stuck his erection into a light socket.                     
He richocheted off the walls,                               
And set fire to his balls,                                  
But it would make him come like a rocket.                   
                                                            
49421 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Jim Weaver Collection    



It has never occurred to me to try                          
A pecker inside the deep-fry.                               
Original or crispy?                                         
Or seasoned with whiskey?                                   
Nah, I like 'em attached to a guy!                          
                                                            
49422 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                             



I've got myself into a pickle;                              
My dong is now an icicle.                                   
I called over my girl                                       
To give it a whirl,                                         
But she wouldn't because she is fickle.                     
                                                            
49423 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Chilly Willy        T9711



I hear tell that Mrs. Revere                                
Said, "Dress warmly.  It's cold out, my dear.               
You'd look pretty silly                                     
With a frostbitten willy!                                   
And our sexlife would suffer I fear!"                       
                                                            
49424 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Scott Amsden             



The cowboy wore jeans very tight                            
As he ventured out into the night;                          
He couldn't help sneezing                                   
And ended up freezing                                       
The part of him seeing the light.                           
                                                            
49425 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



The bright lights of Christmas were twinkling,              
While old cousin Edgar was tinkling                         
'Neath the back of a bush,                                  
And he froze off his tush,                                  
And the owners had nary an inkling.                         
                                                            
49426 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Cap'n Bean          P9901



While pissing on deck, an old boatswain,                    
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.                     
It snapped at the shank,                                    
And it fell off and sank,                                   
In the sea--'twas his own fault for dozin'.                 
                                                            
49427 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                        L1135



There once was a man of Morocco,                            
Who did dip his wick in hot choco.                          
Letting out a loud yelp,                                    
He went running for help,                                   
For he'd seared off the tip of his cock!  Oh!               
                                                            
49428 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Glenn Calvin             



A horny young fellow named Paul,                            
Stuck his cock in a plug in the wall.                       
It was juicy and hot                                        
And he liked it a lot,                                      
And the plug didn't mind it at all.                         
                                                            
49429 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Ogden Nield              



He planned they would go all the way,                       
While mushing along in a sleigh.                            
But at forty below,                                         
His desire wouldn't grow.                                   
It shrank like a fallen souffle.                            
                                                            
49430 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Anon                     



There was a young fellow named Pete,                        
Liked to dance in the snow and the sleet.                   
One chilly November                                         
He froze every member,                                      
And retired to a monkish retreat.                           
                                                            
49431 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                        L1206



A nudist by name Roger Boe,                                 
Loved to dance in the sleet and the snow,                   
And one chilly December                                     
He thawed his froze member,                                 
On DEFROST--in his trusty micro.                            
                                                            
49432 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Arthur Deex         P9402



When I was young and had no sense,                          
I stuck my dick to an electric fence.                       
It curled my hair                                           
And tickled my balls,                                       
And made me come in my overalls.                            
                                                            
49433 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Allanon                  



There was a young man with a member                         
That would only stand up in December.                       
He said, "Then it's too cold                                
For a hard-on to hold;                                      
I wish it would work in September.                          
                                                            
49434 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                             



The Professer, that poor foolish host,                      
Was in charge of this week's wiener roast,                  
Placed his dick on the grill,                               
Then he let out a SHRILL!                                   
'Cause his lovemeat had been turned to toast!               
                                                            
49435 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD                             



There once was a guy named Joe                              
Who thought he would piss in the snow.                      
Before he thought twice,                                    
His pee turned to ice;                                      
Now that was a sight to behold.                             
                                                            
49436 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Calvin Kennedy           



I once knew a pretty good trick,                            
That began with a flick of my Bic.                          
I would set fire                                            
To my dick, like a pyre,                                    
And squash out the flames with a brick.                     
                                                            
49437 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Dirty MacDuff            



There once was this young wife named Lynn,                  
Who caught her husband fucking her kin.                     
Feeling so heinous,                                         
She scalded his penis,                                      
And he never pulled that shit again!                        
                                                            
49438 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Laurence Craft           



There was a young man named Uhura,                          
Who loved to play with tempura.                             
The scalding hot batter                                     
On his tumescent matter                                     
Had him singing in coloratura.                              
                                                            
49439 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Robert Elliot            



Oh Doctor of Gynecology,                                    
Before you're examining me,                                 
Just as a rule,                                             
Sterilize that tool                                         
In water of proper degree.                                  
                                                            
49440 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Arden                    



A mathematician I know                                      
Once attempted to piss in the snow:                         
T'was so cold, that 'tout                                   
De suite', he had a cubed root!                             
But he knew how to thaw it out, though...                   
                                                            
49441 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Robin K. Willoughby P8506



There was a young fireman named Tinder                      
Who save an old lady and pinned her.                        
Then he fucked her all day --                               
When the smoke cleared away,                                
His pecker was burned to a cinder.                          
                                                            
49442 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    Albin Chaplin   3024-1825



There once was a lad from Bombay                            
Who played with his thing every day,                        
From morning to night                                       
Till he set it alight;                                      
'Twas the friction that caused it, they say.                
                                                            
49443 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    PeterW                   



Delightful though it may be,                                
To write in the snow with one's pee,                        
You have to make sure                                       
The temperature's more                                      
Than a willy dismembering degree.                           
                                                            
49444 PENES - DAMAGED - HEAT/COLD    C M                      



An acid-head male from Westphalia,                          
Had a dong so long it could impale ya.                      
One day on a Trip,                                          
Circumsized by his zip,                                     
His genitalia's an absolute failure!                        
                                                            
49445 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Percy Longprong          



At a party a boozer named Fry                               
Caught his tool in his zipper -- oh my!                     
An old seamstress not bright                                
Spent all day and all night                                 
Just to free up his prick from his fly.                     
                                                            
49446 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Phil Cannibal       P9003



There was a young fellow named Puttenham,                   
Whose tool caught in doors upon shuttin' 'em.               
He said, "Well, perchance                                   
It would help to wear pants,                                
If I could just remember to button 'em."                    
                                                            
49447 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                          L1210



Our albino friend was a Jew;                                
His favorite tool we all knew.                              
It was made of Pyrex;                                       
With it he had sex,                                         
Till the day that it caught in his poo!                     
                                                            
49448 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Jim Weaver Collection    



Despite  my  inflexible  grip,                              
My Leekie has slowed to a drip.                             
Some think that it's justh                                  
The  onset  of  musth;                                      
But no, it's been caught my my zip.                         
                                                            
49449 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Anon                     



A wire-winder caught his wire in the winder.                
He thought that fate couldn't be kinder.                    
Said his wife Jane,                                         
"You can say that again,                                    
Just think if it was the meat grinder!"                     
                                                            
49450 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Henry Mucha              



The great body builder Kim Fong,                            
Lifted weights at the gym in a thong.                       
Then Kim lost his grip                                      
And let a weight slip;                                      
Now Fong has a ding in his dong.                            
                                                            
49451 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



An eccentric young boy, name of Billy,                      
Got his kicks tying strings 'round his willie.              
But one fateful night,                                      
He tied them too tight,                                     
And since then he's known just as "Millie".                 
                                                            
49452 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Natalie F                



Jack was once known as 'Big Dipper',                        
Till his dipper got caught in his zipper.                   
It's hard not to laugh,                                     
But he zipped it in half                                    
And now he's called Jack the Ripper.                        
                                                            
49453 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Writerman                



There was a proud fucker from Ceylon,                       
Whose dick was the size of a pylon.                         
Till he zipped up his fly,                                  
And let a great cry:                                        
"She-it! I hope I look good in nylons!"                     
                                                            
49454 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Bill Casey               



My didgeridoo doesn't yield,                                
For animals who live in a field.                            
I lost this desire,                                         
When it caught on barb wire,                                
And it has never properly healed.                           
                                                            
49455 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Anon                     



There once was a fabulous Creole,                           
Whose prick had a wide-open pee-hole.                       
This carrot so orange,                                      
Got caught in the door-hinge,                               
When he tried to bugger the key-hole.                       
(orange - a tough word to rhyme. - McW)                     
49456 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                          L1256



That's engineer Sam, the Quebecker,                         
Who stretched, with some gizmo, his pecker.                 
It failed to adapt;                                         
With tension it snapped:                                    
A Quebecker's hi-tech pecker wrecker.                       
                                                            
49457 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                               



A housewife didn't think it a treat                         
When her husband peed on the seat.                          
The next time he did,                                       
She slammed down the lid.                                   
Who says revenge isn't sweet.                               
                                                            
49458 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Macsam                   



Insatiable Rosie rode Josh,                                 
Like a banshee demented, by gosh.                           
With her pussy-lips slapping                                
And grippingly wrapping,                                    
She finally snapped off his cosh.                           
                                                            
49459 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Peter Wilkins            



There was a young singer named Zix                          
Who got out a needle to fix                                 
A sliver he had                                             
That was hurtin' so bad,                                    
Because it was sticking his prick's.                        
                                                            
49460 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Anon                     



When Rambo goes out in cold weather,                        
He takes measures to be tough as leather.                   
He fills his ass crease                                     
With gobs of bear grease,                                   
And staples his foreskin together.                          
                                                            
49461 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      John Chastaine      T9710



Some guy crushed his willie at Starbucks                    
His "little man" don't work when he sucks.                  
He's suing those guys                                       
For hurting his prize;                                      
His wife, too, is asking for big bucks.                     
                                                            
49462 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                               



A young nature lover named Mick                             
Said, "I fear I've a very sore prick."                      
Friends were quick to exclaim:                              
"It's a whore that's to blame!"                             
They were wrong; a thorn's prick made Mick sick.            
                                                            
49463 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



Upon once a time when I wrangled                            
A lass 'neath the sky that was spangled                     
With bright starry host,                                    
I thought I was toast,                                      
When what I had dangled, thorns mangled.                    
                                                            
49464 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Travis                   



I had a wee mishap and bled,                                
Right after I got out of bed,                               
And watered my meat.                                        
This damn toilet seat                                       
Tipped over and fell on the head.                           
                                                            
49465 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      SFA                      



At Starbucks when this poor guy went                        
To potty, the lid slammed and bent                          
His own "little man."                                       
Now he thinks he can                                        
Sue Starbucks for their last red cent!                      
                                                            
49466 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                               



Lamar got too close to a winch,                             
And was caught you-know-where in the pinch.                 
Bystanders deplored                                         
While he screamed, yelled, and roared,                      
And his sex life went west, inch by inch!                   
                                                            
49467 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                          G2066



A circus performer named Poole                              
Forgot to obey the First Rule:                              
"It's okay to have fun,                                     
But take care how it's done."                               
He twisted the end off his tool.                            
                                                            
49468 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Armand Singer       P0402



There was a young Scotsman named Jock,                      
Who had a most horrible shock.                              
He once took a shit                                         
In a leaf-covered pit,                                      
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.                     
                                                            
49469 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                          L1184



So back to the velcro I guess,                              
Which is better than zippers, unless                        
In the hush of a church,                                    
Your 'old man' gives a lurch,                               
And the velcro goes "szhssssszzzzp!" with the stress.       
                                                            
49470 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                               



A young dandy called Walter Lou,                            
In the loo met his waterloo;                                
He, after a drip                                            
Pull up his zip                                             
Too quick.  Now knows not what to do!                       
                                                            
49471 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Gunjan                   



There once was a smart-alec Lee,                            
Attacked by the powers-that-be.                             
It drove him so daft                                        
That he yanked on their shaft,                              
Till their thunder all rose to High-C.                      
                                                            
49472 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Jim Weaver Collection    



The down zipping motion is clean;                           
It takes but a jiggle, I mean.                              
The opposite route                                          
Can rip tip to root;                                        
When caught in the up-zip, I SCREAM.                        
                                                            
49473 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                               



It could catch a small skin-strip,                          
When that zipper starts to unzip --                         
You'll cry more than a little,                              
Be unable to diddle;                                        
Do be careful that it doesn't slip!                         
                                                            
49474 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                               



Our Bob likes to play with his zipper.                      
It's his secret for staying so chipper.                     
But he best take more care,                                 
Or himself he'll ensare;                                    
Then button style will seem much more hipper.               
                                                            
49475 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                               



I was watching a re-run of Flipper                          
(Long ago when I was a nipper)                              
And I ran to the john                                       
While commercials were on,                                  
And I snagged my foreskin in my zipper.                     
                                                            
49476 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Scott                    



Back before zippers were plastic,                           
My screams made the folks think I was spastic.              
And being no fool,                                          
For protecting my tool,                                     
I now only buy pants with elastic.                          
                                                            
49477 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Scott                    



The dangers of zipping a zipper                             
Kept fat fellows watching that nipper.                      
For that fiendish device                                    
Can take off a real slice--                                 
Beats a mohel, hands down, as a clipper!                    
                                                            
49478 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED      Grand Prix Lim  938 G2071



A raffish young rowdy from France,                          
His zipper got caught in his pants.                         
And his friends all agreed                                  
That the way that he peed                                   
Was purely a matter of stance.                              
                                                            
49479 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                          G2013



He loved to make his zipper zip,                            
And see his fly-front gaily rip.                            
But once his member tangled,                                
Got hideously mangled,                                      
And now the lad's no longer quite so flip.                  
                                                            
49480 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                         G2071a



There was an old rake from Stamboul,                        
Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool.                          
No lack of affection                                        
Reduced his erection --                                     
But his zipper got caught on his tool.                      
                                                            
49481 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED                          L1219



I'm reading a tale, rather tall,                            
Involving a prick through a wall,                           
And so I embellish,                                         
And lim it with relish,                                     
So most ain't original at all.                              
                                                            
49482 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



In search of a loo, Jenny's trotting.                       
Finds one in the park, down she's squatting;                
In Northermost stall,                                       
Adjacent the wall                                           
Of the gents, and a hole there she's spotting.              
                                                            
49483 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



A flesh-coloured, one-eyed protrusion,                      
Into her space makes an intrusion.                          
A game girl is Jenny,                                       
Of fear she's not any,                                      
She's massaged it to a conclusion.                          
                                                            
49484 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



A note then she hurriedly scrawls,                          
And pushes it in through the wall.                          
She wrote: "OK mate,                                        
If you thought that was great,                              
Tomorrow, same time, here I'll call."                       
                                                            
49485 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



So Jenny, in no way afraid,                                 
Meets Jim in the car repair trade,                          
And gets a device,                                          
She thinks will do nice,                                    
For when that appointment is made.                          
                                                            
49486 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



At this point in sagas I mention                            
Some odd thing to build up the tension,                     
But now an old fool,                                        
I'm not quite so cruel,                                     
I'll not so distract your attention.                        
                                                            
49487 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



So twenty four hours have passed,                           
She's reached the park rest room at last,                   
And just as she's seated,                                   
Her vision is treated                                       
To the very same quivering mast.                            
                                                            
49488 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



With one hand that object she kneads,                       
"Oh yes, baby, more... more...", he pleads.                 
Released is her grip                                        
On the crocodile clip,                                      
She's got from some rusty jump leads                        
                                                            
49489 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



So Giggling, she runs, while that male's                    
Distress is revealed by the wails                           
Of pain from the throb                                      
Of his sorely torn knob,                                    
As he tries to release it and fails.                        
                                                            
49490 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



Now diamonds, 'twas said , when a youthful                  
Ogg was both innocent and truthful,                         
Are girlie's best friends,                                  
But this story tends                                        
To show that a croc clip's more utheful.                    
                                                            
49491 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



You slammed the door right on my pud!                       
No more for awhile for this stud...                         
Let's lounge for a bit                                      
And lightly lick tit...                                     
My God! What's that dripping? Its BLOOD!!                   
                                                            
49492 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  H WHELCHEL               



Yeech, Blood! Have you bitten me?                           
Nope. I've checked my bits but don't see                    
That I'm loosing blood.                                     
Don't faint, my sweet stud --                               
That's your blood that's flowing so free.                   
                                                            
49493 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Marlene                  



Well, you have been nipped in the bud.                      
That's why there is so damned much blood.                   
I will save your life;                                      
Let me go get my knife --                                   
I'll amputate that little spud!                             
                                                            
49494 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Marlene                  



Stop shrieking at me -- be a man!                           
I'll tell you my alternate plan.                            
(My name is Marlene,                                        
It is not Lorena.)                                          
I'll tape it back on, if I can!                             
                                                            
49495 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Marlene                  



Look! It has not come right off,                            
You will still be able to boff.                             
I'll use some clean lint,                                   
And this sturdy splint.                                     
Some alcohol you'll have to quaff.                          
                                                            
49496 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Marlene                  



Not Coors or Bud Light, my good friend.                     
That is how we reached this sad end.                        
You are still way to frisky,                                
Drink all of this whiskey,                                  
So your bloody wound I can tend.                            
                                                            
49497 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Marlene                  



Let me tickle you just right here.                          
I need this thing larger, my dear.                          
I will need to see                                          
Where the duct tape must be.                                
Yes, tape can fix that, never fear.                         
                                                            
49498 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Marlene                  



Now you have a nice silver stiffie.                         
Don't you think it looks quite spiffy?                      
He's going to yell "Sheee-it!"                              
As soon as he sees it.                                      
You'll have to look now while he's squiffy.                 
                                                            
49499 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Marlene                  



What has become of my log?                                  
It's skinny and silver and clogged!                         
I feel so hung-over,                                        
Where's Fido or Rover?                                      
I need me some hair of the dog.                             
                                                            
49500 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  H WHELCHEL               



I say, now it's wrapped thin...                             
Perhaps I could slip it right in?                           
A poke or a chaw?                                           
It's barely a straw,                                        
And won't strain your lips or your chin.                    
                                                            
49501 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  H WHELCHEL               



His willie got slammed by the seat?                         
Did he have a really long 'treat'?                          
Or did the guy slip,                                        
Whack it on the lip?                                        
That story just isn't complete.                             
                                                            
49502 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



Frank, I am not sure that I can                             
Explain the whole story 'bout that man.                     
At that coffee spot                                         
He sat on the pot                                           
Then for the TP, he did scan.                               
                                                            
49503 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



The roll was on that toilet lid.                            
I am not quite sure what he did,                            
Except that he twisted,                                     
The toilet seat listed                                      
To one side and somehow it slid.                            
                                                            
49504 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



He poor little willie was caught                            
Between seat and rim of the pot.                            
I guess now it's bent                                       
Which is why he sent                                        
His lawyer to sue for a lot.                                
                                                            
49505 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



I need my willie just in case                               
That I will get past second base.                           
So if you be kind,                                          
Will you please remind                                      
Me to stay away from that place?                            
                                                            
49506 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER                           



Can somebody please tell me why                             
(As I painfully prod, poke and pry                          
My tool, sorely mangled                                     
From the steel where it's tangled)                          
Fine Velcro's not used for a fly?                           
                                                            
49507 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  John Miller 0301         



This sounds like a case for Nurse Ratchett,                 
To help with the pain where you catched it.                 
Better give her a call                                      
If with pain you bawl.                                      
She may have to put on a split.                             
                                                            
49508 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Petunia                  



A split? What was I thinking of,                            
When Ratchett I recommended above.                          
It would be insane                                          
To inflict more pain,                                       
But a splint could be taken off.                            
                                                            
49509 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Petunia                  



Dear Petunia, I have a fine feeling                         
You have just what I need for my healing.                   
I'll give you a hint,                                       
It isn't a splint,                                          
And applied in most cases when kneeling.                    
                                                            
49510 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  John Miller              



My lips surely would ease your pain                         
And make you feel better again.                             
In future though,                                           
Close with Velcro,                                          
Or my tongue treatment would be in vain.                    
                                                            
49511 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Petunia                  



A farmer and peer of Bo Peep,                               
Disdains Velcro, his fly closed to keep.                    
"While foreskin's protected                                 
When my tool's erected,                                     
The opening sound scares the sheep."                        
                                                            
49512 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Irish                    



I thought I would give you this tip,                        
Take time to adjust 'fore you zip.                          
Even though you're late,                                    
Avoid a sad fate...                                         
The pain when your pecker goes ripppp...                    
                                                            
49513 PENES - DAMAGED - PINCHED SER  Frank Fazed              



There was a young fellow named Dick,                        
Who was cursed with a spiralling prick,                     
So he set out to hunt                                       
For a screw-twisted cunt                                    
That would match with his corkscrewy dick                   
                                                            
49514 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                         L1155



He found one, and took it to bed,                           
And then in chagrin, he dropped dead.                       
For that spiralling snatch                                  
It never would match--                                      
The damn thing had a left-handed thread!                    
                                                            
49515 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                         L1156



The cock of a fellow named Fred                             
Was adorned with a corkscrew head.                          
When at last he laid eyes                                   
On a cunt the right size,                                   
He was foiled by a left-handed thread!                      
                                                            
49516 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                         G0335



His cock like a corkscrew expanded,                         
A spiral vagina demanded.                                   
His search lasted years                                     
And ended in tears;                                         
The thread of her cunt was left-handed.                     
                                                            
49517 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                         G0336



A corkscrew-pricked fellow of Natchez,                      
Tried thousands and thousands of snatches,                  
But this fellow named Dick                                  
Found no cunt for his prick,                                
And he cried in despair, "Nothing matches!"                 
                                                            
49518 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0559



In France, a young lady named List,                         
Had a cunt with a helical twist.                            
She could not find a fit                                    
For her helical slit,                                       
So she cried in remorse, "I am pissed!"                     
                                                            
49519 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0560



In the circus Miss List did enlist,                         
Where she pissed with a spiraling twist.                    
All the patrons convulsed                                   
But Miss List was repulsed,                                 
For a fuck was the thing she had missed.                    
                                                            
49520 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0561



When Dick saw Miss List piss a twister,                     
He ran to the ring and he kissed her.                       
Then he showed her this thing                               
Which was coiled like a spring,                             
And she yelled to him, "Fuck me now, Mister!"               
                                                            
49521 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0562



They checked that their spirals turned right                
And they faced their first fuck with delight.               
On Miss List, Dick did flop,                                
And he spun like a top,                                     
And their organs at last did unite.                         
                                                            
49522 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0563



Their screams of despair were symmetric;                    
They needed assistance obstetric;                           
For Dick's thread, you can guess,                           
Was a standard U.S.,                                        
But Miss List had a cunt that was metric.                   
                                                            
49523 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0564



Their ending was sad, we admit;                             
Their organs were shattered and split.                      
For the force that existed,                                 
Both assholes were twisted,                                 
And they died amidst spirals of shit!                       
                                                            
49524 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin Appeal  385



A fellow who lives down the street                          
Has a generous serving of meat.                             
Though as thick as your wrist,                              
His dick has a twist.                                       
His problem? It just can't be beat.                         
                                                            
49525 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm doing what you told me to.                              
You said that you wanted a screw.                           
So a wrench on your dong                                    
Seemed not at all wrong...                                  
You can stick it back on with some glue.                    
                                                            
49526 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Tiddy Ogg                



I said I wanted a screw, 'tis true,                         
But my stick cannot be fixed with glue.                     
There's a big giant dent                                    
And it's really quite bent.                                 
For that, you idiot, I will sue!                            
                                                            
49527 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Mel Prophet              



'Twas ten years ago I got wedded;                           
Then she chopped off my schlong, had it threaded!           
Now it's kept in her purse,                                 
And to make matters worse,                                  
She screws it back just when we're bedded!                  
                                                            
49528 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Maddog                   



Many years ago I heard a tale                               
'Bout an Indian chief on the trail                          
They say he met death                                       
And with his last breath                                    
Told the world what had made his heart fail.                
                                                            
49529 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                              



Seems his prick had a thread that turned right              
And he searched every day dawn to night                     
For a corkscrew shaped cunt;                                
Thought he'd ended his hunt                                 
And he greedily screwed with delight.                       
                                                            
49530 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                              



To his horror he tried to pull out                          
But her cunt held on tight to the lout.                     
Seems her thread was reversed                               
And his luck he then cursed,                                
As he stripped all the threads from his spout.              
                                                            
49531 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                              



As he looked at that torn bloody stump,                     
He saw his life out of him pump,                            
And decided the world                                       
Should beware of this girl,                                 
That he hoped no one else would hump.                       
                                                            
49532 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                              



On his headstone they carved a refrain                      
So his memory would ever remain:                            
"Here lies Galloping Dick                                   
With a cork-screw shaped prick.                             
He got screwed by some bass-ackwards dame!"                 
                                                            
49533 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                              



A cork-screwed member had Ned                               
Who sought out a match for to bed.                          
On that long-savored day,                                   
To his bitter dismay,                                       
Her quim had a left-handed thread.                          
                                                            
49534 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Jim Weaver Collection    



Since birth, poor old Galloping Dick                        
Had been cursed with a corkscrew-shaped prick.              
Dropped dead after finding                                  
A cunt corkscrew-winding,                                   
'Cause a left-handed thread had the chick.                  
                                                            
49535 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                              



There was an old satyr named Mack,                          
Whose prick had a left-handed tack.                         
If the ladies he loves,                                     
Don't spin when he shoves,                                  
Their cervices frequently crack.                            
                                                            
49536 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                         L0192



A distorted young fellow named Fred,                        
Had a tool with a corkscrew-shaped head.                    
He found, having hunted,                                    
A girl corkscrew-cunted,                                    
But, Alas!, with a left-handed thread.                      
                                                            
49537 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                              



A twisted old virgin named Fred,                            
Cursed his penis's coarse corkscrew head.                   
He'd spent most of his life                                 
In vain search for a wife,                                  
Whose cunt had a left-handed thread.                        
                                                            
49538 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Confused                 



A curious fellow named Frank                                
Had a penis shaped just like a crank.                       
To achieve an insertion                                     
Was quite an exertion,                                      
But a friendly whore gave it a yank.                        
                                                            
49539 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED                         G0334



As the old twisted cock of Doc Purse                        
Was rammed in the cunt of his nurse,                        
She complained, but too late --                             
By a strange twist of fate,                                 
She had taken a turn for the worse.                         
                                                            
49540 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0573



His lovemaking made his wife sick;                          
It always was over too quick.                               
One night in frustration                                    
Caused by short duration,                                   
She tied a square knot in his dick.                         
                                                            
49541 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



The knot he unravelled forthwith.                           
He said, "All her complaints are a myth.                    
Her action was mean.                                        
My pecker turned green,                                     
And hurts me whenever I pith.                               
                                                            
49542 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



Last night I played with my willow,                         
Stroking it with a Brillo.                                  
Now all that is there,                                      
Is a bunch of loose hair,                                   
And one more head on my pillow.                             
                                                            
49543 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Jim Weaver Collection    



A firefighter fighting a blaze,                             
Decided to count all the ways                               
He could handle his hose,                                   
Using only his toes.                                        
Untying the knots took three days!                          
                                                            
49544 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     ROE                      



The guy with the left-threaded tool,                        
Whose sex-life just wasn't too cool,                        
Now, with widow sins;                                       
Hers too, WIDDERSHINS.                                      
Now fun is the general rule.                                
                                                            
49545 PENES - DAMAGED - THREADED     Chris Papa               



I think that somewhere it is written,                       
That people who call their home Britain,                    
Should steer clear of France                                
Lest the thing in their pants                               
Be viciously clawed by some Kitten.                         
                                                            
49546 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Frank Fazed              



It's not like me to be a groaner,                           
But something has scratched up my boner.                    
After I catch my breath,                                    
And before I bleed to death,                                
I'll dash off to be a blood doner.                          
                                                            
49547 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Frank Fazed              



There was an old codger named Straw                         
Who developed a terrible flaw;                              
His prostate grew large,                                    
Cock wouldn't discharge,                                    
Certainly no cause for hurrah!                              
                                                            
49548 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



He went to a doctor named Mike                              
Who said "You may be far down the pike.                     
We'll give you a ream                                       
To bring back your stream.                                  
That will certainly open the dike."                         
                                                            
49549 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



The reaming was done with dispatch;                         
Now no other his performance can match.                     
His erections are bigger;                                   
He fucks with great vigor;                                  
He's now the best catch in the batch.                       
                                                            
49550 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



There was a young man from East Anglia,                     
Who walked around flashing his ganglia.                     
On Colchester road                                          
A dog grabbed his choad,                                    
And now the lad's ganglia's danglia.                        
                                                            
49551 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



He sure's not the man I have known,                         
Who used as a mast his long bone.                           
Lagged behind in a race,                                    
But got help from Miss Grace                                
As over the dike he was blown.                              
                                                            
49552 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Dirruk                   



Determined on self-circumcision,                            
Young Danny takes aim with precision.                       
He's just had a jack,                                       
Now he takes up the slack,                                  
Raises hacksaw, but woe...indecision.                       
                                                            
49553 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Peter Wilkins            



A fatal mistake, indecision;                                
For self-circumcision needs vision,                         
And plenty of guts;                                         
With no ifs, ands, or buts,                                 
For mistakes may take years of revision.                    
                                                            
49554 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Peter Wilkins            



So go, young man, make that incision!                       
Don't dither; just hack with precision,                     
And vision <KERSPLAT...>                                    
What the hell'd you call that?                              
An object of utter derision?                                
                                                            
49555 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Peter Wilkins            



When young, I had little sense;                             
I peed on an electric fence.                                
Thus a sparking erection                                    
With resulting convection,                                  
Till the farmer cried "Get thee hence!"                     
                                                            
49556 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      John Henry               



When I was young and had no sense,                          
I peed on an electric fence.                                
I thought I had died,                                       
When my manhood fried,                                      
And I fill my overalls hence.                               
                                                            
49557 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Keith Lehman             



There was an old man of Athlone                             
Whose pecker had turned into stone.                         
This delighted his wife,                                    
But it blighted his life,                                   
For it felt as though he were alone.                        
                                                            
49558 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



But then he met Midas the King,                             
And saw that he had a gold thing.                           
And his life was adventure                                  
Without his great "censored",                               
And that old man started to sing.                           
                                                            
49559 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Eydol                    



"My Travis and me, we're a pair,"                           
She said, with a faraway stare,                             
"Although there are days,                                   
That sometimes he strays                                    
To the barn to spend time with the mare.                    
                                                            
49560 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Observer                 



On alternate days, then, there's Bess,                      
And that leaves his boots in a mess.                        
He don't like my bitchin',                                  
But tracks in my kitchen                                    
Can cause consternation and stress.                         
                                                            
49561 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Observer                 



But mostly, it's been a good life,                          
And I've cherished my bein' his wife.                       
Though lately, it seems,                                    
I've had recurring dreams                                   
About Loreena B. and her knife!                             
                                                            
49562 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Observer                 



I woke up in bed, feeling raw                               
And standing close by me was Maw,                           
My dear beloved wife,                                       
Who said, "This damn knife                                  
Wouldn't cut it, so I used the saw!"                        
                                                            
49563 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Travis Brasell           



While old Trav lies in pain in the orch-                    
Ard, us good ol' boys laugh on the porch;                   
We'd have been more amused                                  
If perchance, she had used                                  
An oxyacetylene torch!                                      
                                                            
49564 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Now Travis, I know of a lout                                
Who for pennies, will fix up your spout.                    
With duct tape and glue                                     
He'll add something new;                                    
Just make sure the head faces out!                          
                                                            
49565 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Squat                    



That lout of yours sounds like Nurse Harris,                
Who once made from plaster of paris,                        
A mold of my dick,                                          
Then shaped a big stick --                                  
The bat used by Yank Roger Maris.                           
                                                            
49566 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Travis                   



Though the fact may come as a surprise,                     
It isn't quite as you surmise.                              
When but a wee tot,                                         
The moyel sure got                                          
The foreskin she sought as a prize.                         
                                                            
49567 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Chris Papa               



In Men's rooms, as I watch each peer,                       
I can't tell when Arabs are near,                           
Since they've lost a few                                    
Of wee foreskins, too,                                      
And thus should be Jews' friends, so dear.                  
                                                            
49568 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Chris Papa               



But with uncut goyim nearby,                                
Watch out for your shoes, you know why.                     
Lest from dangling skin,                                    
You are standing in                                         
What also runs down inner thigh.                            
                                                            
49569 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Chris Papa               



On Thursday a man attacked Heidi,                           
Which she thought uncouth and untidy.                       
So she laundered his tool                                   
With Pennzoil and steel wool,                               
Leaving only a stump by late Friday.                        
                                                            
49570 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      John Miller              



Not to sound masty or mean                                  
But Heidi became Mrs. Clean.                                
Asked what to do                                            
With that stump so new,                                     
She replied, "Let's just paint it green!"                   
                                                            
49571 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Arden                    



The mortician at work had a sight                           
Of old Fred who had died in the night.                      
Full twelve inches long                                     
Was the dead client's schlong.                              
He brought it home to give his wife a fright.               
                                                            
49572 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Tom Accousti             



She burst into tears and then fled.                         
"I'm so sorry," her husband then said.                      
"Well, it gave me a shock                                   
When you opened the box,                                    
'Cause I didn't know Freddie was dead!"                     
                                                            
49573 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Tom Accousti             



There once was a man from Turkey,                           
With a dick like a stick of beef jerky;                     
Leathered and tough                                         
And sandpaper rough,                                        
His wife must have really been quirky.                      
                                                            
49574 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



His wife said, "Excuse my candor."                          
And calmly goosed the old gander.                           
Said, "I'll smooth your pecker                              
With my Black and Decker                                    
Quarter-sheet finishing sander."                            
                                                            
49575 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



There once was a man from Salt Lake,                        
Though seventeen wives he would take.                       
From this constant boff,                                    
His pecker fell off;                                        
He frantically searched for a fake.                         
                                                            
49576 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



His wives, they all took care of that,                      
As they threw him his coat and his hat.                     
Told him with distaste,                                     
"You have been replaced,                                    
By our new playmate democrat."                              
                                                            
49577 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



"He can't get elected 'round here.                          
No one believes he is sincere.                              
We've taken him in;                                         
This way we all win.                                        
And you can stick that in your ear!                         
                                                            
49578 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Marlene                  



A news item we couldn't miss,                               
Since writing anon about briss.                             
Some guy, circumsized,                                      
A suit has apprised                                         
Will now bring him cash and some bliss.                     
                                                            
49579 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Chris Papa               



If such reparations are due,                                
Why not give him foreskin anew?                             
Just transplant a flap                                      
On the ailing chap,                                         
So he, too, can pee on his shoe.                            
                                                            
49580 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Chris Papa               



While paying obeisance to Freud,                            
Such a transplant to replace the void                       
Just might be done;                                         
A singular one,                                             
With skin from his drooping hemorrhoid.                     
                                                            
49581 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Daniel Ford              



To prevent any damage, my dear,                             
Use hard exercise, front and rear,                          
Thus making your phallus                                    
Develop a callous;                                          
You'll have nothing further to fear.                        
                                                            
49582 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Scott                    



I think the idea's quite grand;                             
I don't want to be e'er unmanned.                           
But I really don't know                                     
How these callouses grow --                                 
Do you think I should take it in hand?                      
                                                            
49583 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Martin Rand              



That should do the trick, it is true,                       
But it may take a decade or two.                            
Try rubbing your pubes                                      
With sandpaper tubes.                                       
That's what all the best fellows do.                        
                                                            
49584 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Indiana Millwart         



'Twas maybe a hundred years back,                           
When great-uncle Brewster, the black                        
Young sheep of the clan,                                    
His mischief began;                                         
As a boy, yet, he tickled our Pack.                         
                                                            
49585 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



He lived in a plain country cabin,                          
Mostly on the floor idly babblin';                          
No wall-to-wall rug,                                        
Just planks not too snug;                                   
With knotholes; could hear chickens cacklin'.               
                                                            
49586 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



When Nature called, he did wink:                            
"Too far to the outhouse, I think;                          
It's chilly at night;                                       
Noon sun is too bright;                                     
That hut has an eye-blazin' stink!"                         
                                                            
49587 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



"For a whiz, sump'n easy I'll seek";                        
He found a solution, that sneak!                            
He lowered his crank                                        
Through a hole in a plank                                   
On the floor; Ah, yes! Took a leak!                         
                                                            
49588 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



Underneath lurked a rooster so lean,                        
Such a  worm, he had ne'er before seen;                     
Like lightnin' that rooster                                 
Did gnash poor ol' Brewster;                                
Such a ruckus! Loud screams so unclean!                     
                                                            
49589 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



Brew's tool still worked but was tattered,                  
When pissing, things 'round him got splattered;             
At the General Store                                        
They'd laugh, and they'd roar;                              
"Two cocks in the yard?  One gets battered!"                
                                                            
49590 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



It's so crusty now that I'd require                         
This brush here, that I've made from wire.                  
So please take a hold                                       
Of your crusty old,                                         
So that I can scrub it, entire.                             
                                                            
49591 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



If only that brush were attached                            
To you and was known as a snatch,                           
I'd let you scrub                                           
My dick in the tub                                          
All night -- Do you have such a patch?                      
                                                            
49592 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES                               



A vacuum's a dangerous thing,                               
'Cause its suction is certain to bring                      
A priapic distension                                        
And permanent tension.                                      
I know, 'cause my dick's in a sling!                        
                                                            
49593 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Peter W                  



An inflatable doll in Vancouver,                            
Was souped up by Pete to improve her.                       
He increased her suction,                                   
By crotch reconstruction.                                   
Her twat's now a late model Hoover.                         
                                                            
49594 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Irish                    



A cowboy from West Amarillo,                                
Is walking quite bow-legged still, for                      
He got caught in the rain                                   
And it was such a pain                                      
When it rusted his codpiece of Brillo.                      
                                                            
49595 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Joe Long                 



That cowboy from West Amarillo,                             
The one with the codpiece of Brillo,                        
Got run out of town,                                        
And still wears a frown                                     
From his last indiscreet pecadillo.                         
                                                            
49596 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Joe Long                 



Well Sir, take care with that filly;                        
The surprise you will get is a dilly!                       
Take myself, for example,                                   
When I last tried a sample,                                 
My dick was renamed, Willy Nilly.                           
                                                            
49597 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



I've built me a condom of steel,                            
That covers from forehead to heel.                          
But those diamond tipped gnashers,                          
Those genital mashers,                                      
Will no doubt, still get her a meal.                        
                                                            
49598 PENES - DAMAGED - ZSERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young fellow named Dick,                        
Who perfected a wonderful trick.                            
With a safe for protection,                                 
He'd get an erection,                                       
And then balance himself on his prick.                      
                                                            
49599 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1398



'Twas a fearful and wonderful sight,                        
And the ladies all shrieked with delight,                   
But the men were less zealous,                              
For it made them all jealous,                               
And they said that it wasn't polite.                        
                                                            
49600 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1399



But that night each one tried it and failed,                
While their wives looked on helpless and wailed,            
For either they'd teeter,                                   
And fall on their peter,                                    
Or they'd find themselves getting derailed.                 
                                                            
49601 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1400



So Dick was the toast of the town,                          
There was nothing too good for the clown.                   
And the wives all came flocking,                            
To sample his cocking,                                      
While the husbands deplored his renown.                     
                                                            
49602 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1401



Then along came a fellow from France,                       
Whose success you'd foretell at a glance.                   
For his cock didn't dangle,                                 
But stayed at right angle,                                  
Which gave him an excellent stance.                         
                                                            
49603 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1402



With a flourish, he took off his clothes,                   
And assumed Dick's remarkable pose.                         
But the chief of his talents,                               
Was keeping his balance,                                    
While he juggled his balls with his toes.                   
                                                            
49604 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1402



Then came the best part of all,                             
That always would bring down the hall.                      
For his finishing trick                                     
Was to straddle his prick,                                  
And wheel out of sight on one ball.                         
                                                            
49605 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1404



The ladies all ran and told Dick,                           
That the Frenchman had bettered his trick.                  
So he straddled and struggled,                              
And finally juggled,                                        
But he knocked out his prop with a kick.                    
                                                            
49606 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1405



And the tradgedy didn't end there,                          
For as he whirled down through the air,                     
His prick became tied,                                      
In a knot that defied                                       
All attempts to untangle its snare.                         
                                                            
49607 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1406



Most men would have died of remorse,                        
But Dick found another resource.                            
For pretzels he'd pose,                                     
With his twisted up hose,                                   
And he made a nice income, of course.                       
                                                            
49608 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1407



"There's cause and effect," said McFangle,                  
"That at first may be hard to untangle.                     
But the answer is neat:                                     
It's the heat of the meat,                                  
That determines the angle of dangle."                       
                                                            
49609 PENES - DEXTROUS               Pierce Evans             



Our man finds it handy at home,                             
All this skin on the end of his bone.                       
For multiple whoring,                                       
And useful thing storing,                                   
And his willy can answer the phone.                         
                                                            
49610 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



There once was a man from Iraq                              
Whose pecker grew out of his back.                          
And when he got married,                                    
His wife was then carried                                   
Behind like she was a knapsack!                             
                                                            
49611 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



Of angles my peter's bereft,                                
Veering neither to right nor to left;                       
But it nevertheless                                         
Never fails to impress                                      
For it's truly remarkably deft.                             
                                                            
49612 PENES - DEXTROUS               Peter Wilkins            



At will I can cause it to curve;                            
Even swivel 180 and swerve.                                 
I can vary its length,                                      
Or its width and its strength                               
And perform such manoeuvres with verve.                     
                                                            
49613 PENES - DEXTROUS               Peter Wilkins            



It'll swivel 180?  How crass!                               
That's sure to put off any lass.                            
But it could be a treat,                                    
Much as you like your meat;                                 
Try shoving it up your own ass.                             
                                                            
49614 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



I see you've been genetically sent                          
Equipment that will never be spent.                         
My own tool, however,                                       
Tires quickly whenever                                      
Encroaching the wife's frontal vent.                        
                                                            
49615 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



A young man who lived in Berlin                             
Could crack walnuts with his foreskin.                      
He could smash a wine glass                                 
With the crack of his ass,                                  
And his girlfriend could fill up her quim.                  
                                                            
49616 PENES - DEXTROUS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Berlin                           
Who could crack walnuts with his foreskin.                  
With the head of his dick                                   
He could break four-inch-thick                              
Planks of wood with only one spin.                          
                                                            
49617 PENES - DEXTROUS               Thunderwing              



Fear not for my trouser affray;                             
Though quiescent for many a day,                            
When at girlies I glance,                                   
Then my trousers still dance                                
Like a bundle of ferrets at play.                           
                                                            
49618 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



There was a young soldier named Jock                        
Who was bombed as he worked on the dock.                    
Though he lost every limb,                                  
Yet his life was not grim;                                  
He could still drive his car with his cock.                 
                                                            
49619 PENES - DEXTROUS               Albin Chaplin   3024-1798



There once was a lad from New York,                         
Whose penis had tines like a fork.                          
The girls like it fine,                                     
Till he started to dine,                                    
Eating carrots and peas with his dork.                      
                                                            
49620 PENES - DEXTROUS               John Miller 0049         



An emasculate lad said, "At last,                           
I've an elephant trunk for a mast.                          
Though usually great,                                       
I do have to state,                                         
I'm embarrassed when peanuts are passed."                   
                                                            
49621 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



An elephant nose on his dick?                               
Where did he learn that silly trick?                        
Still -- it's kinda cute                                    
And it hides a beaut,                                       
That he can whip out really quick!                          
                                                            
49622 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



A kink in her cunt had Miss Rose,                           
Which presented a problem to those                          
Who had pricks that were straight.                          
But the fire chief was great,                               
For he fucked with a flexible hose.                         
                                                            
49623 PENES - DEXTROUS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0591



There is a young nurse in Japan,                            
Who lifts men by their pricks to the pan.                   
A trick of jujitsu,                                         
And either it shits you,                                    
Or makes you feel more like a man.                          
                                                            
49624 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L1450



I know of a fortunate Hindu                                 
Who is sought in the towns he's been to,                    
By the ladies he knows,                                     
Who are thrilled to the toes                                
By the tricks he can make his foreskin do.                  
                                                            
49625 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L0310



On the flying trapeze, catcher Falk                         
Catches three as the spectators gawk.                       
He takes one in each hand,                                  
In itself a trick grand,                                    
While the third one grabs hold of his cock.                 
                                                            
49626 PENES - DEXTROUS               Al Chaplin          P8711



There once was a gangster named Crockett                    
Who'd keep both his hands in his pocket.                    
When out on a "hit".                                        
Or beckoning teat,                                          
His weapon, can easily cock it.                             
                                                            
49627 PENES - DEXTROUS               Irving Superior     P8601



A rather remakable Turk                                     
Had a dong with a spasmodic jerk;                           
Though the world looked askance                             
As it danced in his pants,                                  
His wife wore a permanent smirk!                            
                                                            
49628 PENES - DEXTROUS               Ann Gasser          P9007



A man on a flying trapeze                                   
Was wracked by a sudden big sneeze.                         
Just then his foot slipped                                  
And his zipper unzipped,                                    
And he hung there, but not by his knees.                    
                                                            
49629 PENES - DEXTROUS               Anon                     



There once was a fellow named Dick                          
Whose pecker was short and not thick.                       
No girls he'd seduce,                                       
But when put to good use,                                   
There isn't a lock he can't pick.                           
                                                            
49630 PENES - DEXTROUS               Frank Fazed              



In my old age I've mastered a trick                         
That pleases the ladies real quick.                         
I've developed a quake                                      
That makes my limbs shake,                                  
And extends to the end of my prick.                         
                                                            
49631 PENES - DEXTROUS               John Miller              



There was a young fellow of Strensall,                      
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil.                      
Anemic, 'tis true,                                          
But an interesting screw,                                   
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.                         
                                                            
49632 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L0243



There once was a farmer called Tim                          
And he was exceedingly dim.                                 
He was so thick,                                            
He thought that his dick                                    
Was only for seed 'tater dibblin'.                          
(dibbling - to poke holes in soil for planting - McW)       
49633 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



Tim had a young lady he mated,                              
But she never did get impregnated.                          
Tim had not a clue                                          
About what he should do;                                    
The poor girl was so very frustrated;                       
                                                            
49634 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



One day she met a very nice bloke,                          
And told him "Life is no joke.                              
I've never been screwed"                                    
And so it ensued,                                           
That he gave her a wonderful poke.                          
                                                            
49635 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



Now Tim's lady does not feel so crappy,                     
'Cause she's met a real sexy chappy.                        
She is very well done                                       
In the rain or the sun;                                     
All this bonking makes her ever so happy.                   
                                                            
49636 PENES - DEXTROUS                                        



Do you know that your dick plays a tune                     
On the piano, each late afternoon?                          
Moonlight Sonata                                            
Au naturata?                                                
Cock Bach by the light of the moon.                         
                                                            
49637 PENES - DEXTROUS               Ericka                   



A bold bawdy buster named Sheeney,                          
Plays checkers with girls like a meany...                   
Where rules clearly demand                                  
Moves be made with the hand,                                
Sheeney used the head of his peeny.                         
                                                            
49638 PENES - DEXTROUS               Grand Prix Lim  905      



A mechanical marvel named Bill,                             
Had a tool which was shaped like a quill.                   
With this scholarly dink,                                   
He could squirt purple ink,                                 
And write, draw, or color at will.                          
(And decorate lampshades at will.)                          
49639 PENES - DEXTROUS               Anon                G0255



A carpenter named Bobby Gene,                               
Had a member both rare and obscene.                         
The girls thought it swell;                                 
It drove bolts home as well;                                
Loved by all as a screwing machine.                         
                                                            
49640 PENES - DEXTROUS               Conch              TP9901



The reason, all can understand,                             
Why Jim's punch on Joe's jaw did land.                      
"I saw your name, Joe,                                      
Written in the snow;                                        
The writing was in my wife's hand!"                         
                                                            
49641 PENES - DEXTROUS               Frank Fazed              



There is a stout fellow named Jake                          
With a whip lithe and long like a snake.                    
He lets the thing out                                       
And slings it about,                                        
To sniff out hot babes on the make...                       
                                                            
49642 PENES - DEXTROUS               Grand Prix Lim  175      



There was a young man from St Lutz,                         
Who had a remarkable putz.                                  
It would sniff, it would hunt,                              
For it only liked cunt.                                     
Absolutely no lips, hands, or butts.                        
                                                            
49643 PENES - DEXTROUS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Do you know it climbs on your shoulder?                     
That we've built you a special holder?                      
(It drags on the ground                                     
If we leave it unbound)                                     
Do you think she'll believe what you told her?              
                                                            
49644 PENES - DEXTROUS               Ericka                   



At his work, a bricklayer, O'Doul                           
Spreads the mortar about with his tool,                     
Which makes the big crowd                                   
Cheer O'Doul long and loud,                                 
While the sexy girls slaver and drool.                      
                                                            
49645 PENES - DEXTROUS               Grand Prix Lim  917      



There once was a singer named Alice                         
Got a girl from his gig at the Palace.                      
His strong manly heart                                      
Stole the love of this tart,                                
Or was it his prehensile phallus?                           
                                                            
49646 PENES - DEXTROUS               Jim Weaver Collection    



This fellow had money as well;                              
The women, they thought it was swell.                       
When deep in their hole,                                    
He could lengthen his pole.                                 
And for that they paid dearly, they tell.                   
                                                            
49647 PENES - DEXTROUS               Curt                     



There once was a young man named Molder                     
Who attempted to throw a small boulder.                     
He tripped on a rock,                                       
And grabbed his own cock,                                   
And threw himself over his shoulder.                        
                                                            
49648 PENES - DEXTROUS               M. Taylor                



An organist playing at York,                                
Had a prick that could hold a small fork.                   
And between obbligatos,                                     
He'd munch a tomatoes,                                      
And keep up his strength while at work.                     
                                                            
49649 PENES - DEXTROUS                                   L0262



There once was a young man named Richey,                    
Whose bollocks were cripplingly itchy.                      
You may think that's sad                                    
But even more bad,                                          
His pecker was really quite twitchy.                        
                                                            
49650 PENES - DEXTROUS               John Miller              



A gallant young cocksman named Nick,                        
Is known for his prehensile prick.                          
He takes the thing out,                                     
And waves it about,                                         
Without using his hands...What a trick!                     
                                                            
49651 PENES - DEXTROUS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Liz, tired of mountainous greenery,                         
Went looking for ocean-front scenery.                       
The beach that Liz viewed,                                  
Was all male and nude,                                      
She saw nothing by acres of wienery.                        
                                                            
49652 PENES - DISPLAYED              TXnTed                   



The length and the girth are importan'                      
So you gals can do all your sortin'                         
And get us in line,                                         
To watch us unwind,                                         
For woodies I'm sure we'll be sportin'.                     
                                                            
49653 PENES - DISPLAYED              Gearhart                 



There was a young fellow from Merton,                       
Who went out with only his shirt on,                        
From which did peep shyly,                                  
His membrum virile,                                         
For people to animadvert on.                                
(animadvert - archaic for notice, observe)                  
49654 PENES - DISPLAYED                                  G2426



At a picnic with buxom Ms Boyd,                             
My ambitions were quickly destroyed;                        
Though she relished a weiner,                               
When she saw my cuisine, her                                
Expression was, frankly, annoyed.                           
                                                            
49655 PENES - DISPLAYED              Hugh Clary               



Pissing contests by some had become                         
The last word in pecker aplomb.                             
But now the same boys,                                      
Are abusing their toys,                                     
In order to bet on the come.                                
                                                            
49656 PENES - DISPLAYED              Irish                    



A wanton young lass asked an ass, "Sir,                     
Do you love me?"  So then as he passed her,                 
He gave her a bang                                          
From his powerful wang.                                     
'Twas catastrophe, almost disaster.                         
                                                            
49657 PENES - DISPLAYED              Ellen Alaka         P9509



In Texas, a hunter afield,                                  
Was arrested with weapon revealed.                          
He was told, "While it's fun                                
To carry a gun,                                             
The law says it must be concealed."                         
                                                            
49658 PENES - DISPLAYED              Cybergeezer              



Said a girl as she walked down the Strand,                  
To her friend who was too plainly manned:                   
"Dear, it's catching the eye                                
Of each girl we pass by.                                    
Can't you cover it up with your hand?"                      
                                                            
49659 PENES - DISPLAYED                                  G0461



At the movies, a joker named Capp,                          
Had a big popcorn box in his lap.                           
His date was not wise                                       
To impending surprise,                                      
His dick was right under the flap.                          
                                                            
49660 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old person of Annerley,                        
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;                   
He rushed down the strand                                   
With his dong in his hand,                                  
With intent quite disgusting, generally.                    
                                                            
49661 PENES - DISPLAYED              Edwardian Leer 109  P9306



Three cheers for Aloysius Fitzgerald                        
Who, being nine-eights unappareled,                         
Went strolling the Strand                                   
With his prick in his hand,                                 
Proclaiming the End Of The Werald!                          
                                                            
49662 PENES - DISPLAYED                                  G2334



A short organed fellow named Kevin,                         
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven.                       
Then to eight and to nine,                                  
And though ten was divine,                                  
There will be a film at eleven.                             
                                                            
49663 PENES - DISPLAYED              Karen Jones              



There was a young fellow who'd shove                        
His finger in cunts to make love.                           
Since his prick was not lewd                                
It hung out and was viewed,                                 
While his finger was hid in a glove.                        
                                                            
49664 PENES - DISPLAYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2298



Last evening while out for a run,                           
The women I passed were such fun.                           
Stopped to water my mule                                    
At the back of a school,                                    
And discovered my fly was undone.                           
                                                            
49665 PENES - DISPLAYED              Frank                    



Hey fellas!  I'm writing a book                             
On what fits where and in what nook.                        
To have you included                                        
You must be denuded --                                      
So, drop 'em!   Let me have a look!                         
                                                            
49666 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



A dashing young fellow from France                          
Hung his weenie right out of his pants;                     
The girls would all swoon                                   
At the sight of his schloon,                                
And the women were thrown in a trance.                      
                                                            
49667 PENES - DISPLAYED              Cap'n Bean          P0211



Your verses and heart both have Merit,                      
Now give us more lowdown, please share it!                  
For instance, this knockout,                                
When you take your cock out,                                
Does she gleefully grin as you bare it?                     
                                                            
49668 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Disposable condoms? Not me!                                 
I just plant them beneath an old tree.                      
If you plant them with rocks,                               
Then the tree will grow cocks!                              
Then just watch them when they all go pee!                  
                                                            
49669 PENES - DISPLAYED              DButt                    



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
Was entirely, totally wacky!                                
He like to play games                                       
(It was his claim to fame.)                                 
Because of built-in Hacky Sacky's!                          
                                                            
49670 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old man on the Coast,                          
Who placidly played with his post;                          
But when it got cold,                                       
He relinquished his hold,                                   
From the task in which he'd been engrossed.                 
                                                            
49671 PENES - DISPLAYED              Edwardian Leer 101       



At a nudist camp outside Spokane,                           
The bride appeared wearing a tan.                           
There was no need to stare                                  
To be fully aware                                           
Of exactly who was the best man.                            
                                                            
49672 PENES - DISPLAYED              Arthur Deex         P8210



To lovers' lane one night went Lear                         
And he walked in the dark with his dear.                    
She said, "Hear the crickets                                
Chirping through the thickets."                             
"Those are zippers," he said, "that you hear."              
                                                            
49673 PENES - DISPLAYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2155



I heard that Confucius did say                              
To a man whose pockets gave way;                            
He said, "Wait, don't knock it,                             
A hole in your pocket                                       
Will make you feel cocky all day."                          
                                                            
49674 PENES - DISPLAYED              Kaylin Brandon           



"I refer," said a cocksman named Watt,                      
"To my phallus in heat as my 'hot';                         
And the name of the game.                                   
I explain without shame,                                    
Is contained in the phrase 'Hot to Twat.'"                  
                                                            
49675 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



He met her at a local bar;                                  
He took her home -- it wasn't far.                          
He gave her some gin                                        
And said with a grin,                                       
"My 'hotrod' isn't a car!"                                  
                                                            
49676 PENES - DISPLAYED              Waukesha Don        T9801



I once knew a man from France                               
Who always wore very tight pants.                           
Now because they are white                                  
And incredibly tight,                                       
You can see just how his cock cants.                        
                                                            
49677 PENES - DISPLAYED              Anon                     



It appears I am caught with my pants                        
'Round my ankles with willie in stance,                     
For my name is Hugh Mongus,                                 
Though some here among us                                   
Say it seems a misnomer, I grants.                          
                                                            
49678 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



To a theater-balcony in Taos,                               
An X-rated man took his spouse.                             
Popcorn box had a hole                                      
Filled with his dick.. how droll!                           
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
49679 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jane D. Hughes      P9009



I love you my sweet darling Kay;                            
Let's stroll in the sunshine today.                         
My hand in your hand                                        
And your hand on this gland,                                
Which is causing me trouser-affray.                         
                                                            
49680 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



A raunchy young man from New York,                          
Refused to let go of his dork.                              
When asked, "What's the reason?"                            
He said, "It's quite pleasin',                              
When one's wrist has incredible torque!"                    
                                                            
49681 PENES - DISPLAYED              Stiffy Joe               



A lonesome young man of White Plains                        
Waves the mark of his manhood at trains.                    
It's made queer engineers                                   
Mess their denims for years,                                
And makes brakemen have inguinal pains.                     
                                                            
49682 PENES - DISPLAYED              Grand Prix Lim  985 G1079



Old One-Eye looks up at the ceiling,                        
Pulsating with lust and appealing                           
For French from his wench,                                  
Or a clench that will quench,                               
And assuage his most desperate feeling.                     
                                                            
49683 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A baker's apprentice was Jock;                              
He pissed in the dough in the crock.                        
His false teeth he would take                               
To trim icing on cake,                                      
While the doughnuts he made on his cock.                    
                                                            
49684 PENES - DISPLAYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2888



There was a young man from Dundalk                          
Whose penis was made out of chalk.                          
He would futter his spouse                                  
Out in front of their house,                                
And mark up his score on the walk.                          
                                                            
49685 PENES - DISPLAYED                                  G0315



I'd rather a stuffed up snot nose,                          
Than my nose up in one of those.                            
I'd rather meet guys                                        
And measure the size,                                       
Of one of those gizmos ya blows!                            
                                                            
49686 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



A curious maiden from Plum                                  
Was either naive or plain dumb.                             
To her boyfriend's surprise                                 
When he opened his flies,                                   
She remarked, "You have misplaced your thumb."              
                                                            
49687 PENES - DISPLAYED              Hugh Oliver         A103C



She fantasized about his jock;                              
Imagined an oversize cock.                                  
In the restroom he fiddled,                                 
But he never diddled,                                       
With his falsie, a thick rolled-up sock.                    
                                                            
49688 PENES - DISPLAYED              Frank Spectra            



A determined young girl named Rebecca                       
Was a careful and intricate necker;                         
But her boyfriend rebelled                                  
When she asked to be held                                   
For she never got round to his pecker.                      
                                                            
49689 PENES - DISPLAYED              Isaac Asimov             



There was a boy named Frank;                                
He had a hearty wank.                                       
His prick came out                                          
As stiff and stout,                                         
That learned him not to swank.                              
(swank - behave ostentaciously)                             
49690 PENES - DISPLAYED                                  G2131



And then came the fellow from Towcester,                    
Erected a huge billboard poster,                            
Which said to the world                                     
That his dick when undfurled                                
Was huge, but then he was a boaster.                        
                                                            
49691 PENES - DISPLAYED              Tiddy                    



An oddball in Ticonderoga,                                  
Who went first for Zen and then Yoga,                       
Made some people blush red,                                 
When he stood on his head,                                  
And displayed what hung under his toga.                     
                                                            
49692 PENES - DISPLAYED              Grand Prix Lim   42      



An impatient old man of Malpeque                            
Used to lay out his codpiece on spec,                       
"Not to offer as bait,                                      
But in case I can't wait,                                   
It's all ready and waiting on deck."                        
                                                            
49693 PENES - DISPLAYED              Hugh Oliver           30a



In researching miscegenation,                               
This squaw girl made this obervation,                       
"It may be a shock --                                       
The tip of your cock --                                     
You're one percent RED derivation."                         
                                                            
49694 PENES - DISPLAYED              Irving Superior     P8911



Disappointed and grieved was Miss Schick                    
For her date pulled a dastardly trick.                      
He did promise so sweet                                     
A remarkable treat,                                         
But the bastard showed only his prick.                      
                                                            
49695 PENES - DISPLAYED              Albin Chaplin            



She caught him and shouted, "You're sick!                   
You're completely obsessed with your dick."                 
"I'm just scratching, my dear,                              
A mosquito bite here",                                      
He lied, not quite avoiding her kick.                       
                                                            
49696 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



There was an old lady who flipped                           
And lived all alone in a crypt,                             
Because flies she hated                                     
With a hate unabated,                                       
Until one day a fly she unzipped.                           
                                                            
49697 PENES - DISPLAYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1338



There was a man from Mendoozer,                             
Who had the nose of a boozer.                               
But when he sneezed,                                        
Pants fell to his knees                                     
And out popped his lolapaloozer.                            
                                                            
49698 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



In the office one day we all sang,                          
Overjoyed with our fax machine Wang.                        
After reading directions,                                   
I sent my affections,                                       
On an image I faxed of my "thang!"                          
                                                            
49699 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



You know I was hoping for photos                            
But all of the pictures were no-shows.                      
One story showed promise                                    
Entitled "John Thomas" --                                   
Turned out 'twas Pinocchio's nose.                          
                                                            
49700 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



Many Frenchmen, to avoid the embarrassment                  
Of what saying "Please kiss it" in Paris meant,             
Pull it out on a date                                       
At Arkansas State,                                          
Where this is not sexual harassment.                        
                                                            
49701 PENES - DISPLAYED              H Myers            TP9804



A horny young fellow from Rye                               
Whose testosterone level was high,                          
He would roam every day                                     
In search of a lay                                          
While his boner would point at the sky.                     
                                                            
49702 PENES - DISPLAYED              Cap'n Bean          P0301



Sex therapist Lawrence B. Lang                              
Spoke up for the concept of Yang.                           
Said he, "The real sin                                      
Is praising the yin,"                                       
And whipped out his prize-winning whang.                    
                                                            
49703 PENES - DISPLAYED              Armand E Singer       448



A nubile youngster from Perth,                              
Would play with his willy with mirth.                       
He'd laugh and he'd shout                                   
When he had it out,                                         
And pump it for all it was worth.                           
                                                            
49704 PENES - DISPLAYED              Zeus                     



The handsome young men from Punjab                          
Are usually given the job                                   
Of showing the sights                                       
To tourists -- Most nights,                                 
One shows me his thingamabob.                               
                                                            
49705 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



There was an Old Man who supposed                           
That the street door was partially closed,                  
But some very large rats                                    
Ate his coats and his hats,                                 
Ignoring his organ, exposed.                                
                                                            
49706 PENES - DISPLAYED              Julian I. Edison    P8808



When a virile young butcher named Gossage                   
Catches ladies purloining a sausage,                        
He offers his own--                                         
Not a gift, but a loan--                                    
It cuts down his big sausage-lossage.                       
                                                            
49707 PENES - DISPLAYED              Grand Prix Lim  915 G2138



A naive young lady of Bogota                                
Had not seen a man in the raw;                              
When a lewd fellow showed                                   
His all in the road,                                        
She did not know what it was she saw.                       
                                                            
49708 PENES - DISPLAYED              Arthur Deex         P0305



A lady who fished in Cape Cod                               
Went down to the beach to get scrod.                        
She got screwed there instead                               
By a fellow named Ted,                                      
When she reeled after seeing his rod.                       
                                                            
49709 PENES - DISPLAYED              Bob Giandomenico    P8712



A naive young girl of Oak Bluff                             
Had not seen a man in the buff;                             
When a lewd fellow showed                                   
His all in the road,                                        
She concluded that that was enough.                         
                                                            
49710 PENES - DISPLAYED              Arthur Deex         P0305



I wear a big hat in the garden,                             
And raise it to say "Beg your pardon."                      
'Cause I know that Flora,                                   
The woman next door-a                                       
Has seen that I've got a big hard-on.                       
                                                            
49711 PENES - DISPLAYED              Tiddy Ogg                



A naive young lady of Meriwether                            
Had not seen a man in the altogether;                       
When a lewd fellow showed                                   
His all in the road,                                        
She decided that she might try that herself during          
the next spell of hot weather.                              
49712 PENES - DISPLAYED              Arthur Deex         P0305



I told him I was the inspector,                             
To check all the stuff in this sector.                      
He just shook his head                                      
As soon as I said,                                          
"Would you please show me your injector?"                   
                                                            
49713 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



There was a young girl from Eutoxeter,                      
Who made passing oarsmen gape through locks at her.         
At their annual ball,                                       
They agreed one and all,                                    
They would craftily point their small cocks at her.         
                                                            
49714 PENES - DISPLAYED              L W Bailey               



A Polka star know as Ignace                                 
Was quickly put down in his place.                          
He'd do his fine dance                                      
Quite bare-assed, no pants;                                 
The girls feared the smirk on his face.                     
                                                            
49715 PENES - DISPLAYED              Tucker D. Ott       P8911



A young man addicted to speed                               
Just torques up his fine motor-steed,                       
And goes for a scoot                                        
And unzips his root.                                        
His spirit then soars as if freed.                          
                                                            
49716 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A policeman called Jonathan Squeaky                         
Met in Soho a prostitute chickie.                           
He thought she would run                                    
So he stuck to his gun,                                     
Which indeed was incredibly sticky.                         
                                                            
49717 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a writer of porn who'd been stricken                   
By a lovely who made his pulse quicken:                     
"Just the thought of your twat                              
Has suggested a plot --                                     
And, my dear, it's beginning to thicken!"                   
                                                            
49718 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



Down the street walking backward went Sears,                
With his cock hanging out, it appears.                      
Said a lady in shock,                                       
"You're exposing your cock!"                                
But he said he was trolling for queers.                     
                                                            
49719 PENES - DISPLAYED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0881



A man, whose methods were juvenile,                         
Would play with his organ, erectile,                        
While he hung by one knee                                   
From the limb of a tree.                                    
It's fun, and you know it was versatile.                    
                                                            
49720 PENES - DISPLAYED              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Erection?  Oh heavens!  Oh Lordy!                           
That's nasty; take care of my wordy:                        
Wash your tongue and your mouth                             
And the parts there down south;                             
(You know that I talk 'bout your swordy)!                   
                                                            
49721 PENES - DISPLAYED                                       



The melons of Maisie from Exeter                            
Make middle-aged men crane their necks at her,              
And indeed there are some,                                  
I among them, by Gum,                                       
Who oft wave their organs of sex at her.                    
                                                            
49722 PENES - DISPLAYED              Armand E Singer       940



A canny young Aussie from Perth                             
Found athletes no salt of the earth;                        
Some low sod of a cricketer                                 
Waved the end of his prick at her --                        
She took him for all he was worth.                          
                                                            
49723 PENES - DISPLAYED              Armand Singer       P2006



Said the wife of a man from Dundee,                         
Who returned from a voyage at sea:                          
"Is that a sky-rocket                                       
You have in your pocket,                                    
Or are you just glad to see me?"                            
                                                            
49724 PENES - DISPLAYED              Ceejay                   



There once was a lady named Pat,                            
Who pointed and ask me "What's that?"                       
"Why that's Willie," I said,                                
She said, "Look at his head,                                
There's a hole in the top of his hat."                      
                                                            
49725 PENES - DISPLAYED              Bob Birch           P0107



A yogi from far-off Beirut,                                 
For women did not care a hoot,                              
But his organ would stand,                                  
In a manner quite grand,                                    
When a snake-charmer played on his flute.                   
                                                            
49726 PENES - DISPLAYED              Albin Chaplin       G0248



There was a young lady named Hubble                         
Who enveloped herself in a bubble.                          
She'd have happily died                                     
Wrapped safely inside,                                      
But the world's full of pricks, that's the trouble.         
                                                            
49727 PENES - DISPLAYED              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Tom                          
Who took a hot date to a prom.                              
When on the quadrangle                                      
He showed her his bangle,                                   
He exhibited perfect aplomb.                                
                                                            
49728 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Bob Giandomenico    P8806



At dusk, the girls call for the Fool;                       
The Joker, the Lord of Misrule.                             
And how they do squeal                                      
From the power they feel                                    
When I show them some tricks with my tool.                  
                                                            
49729 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young man named Gander,                         
Who had delusions of grandeur.                              
On his back, down the river,                                
His dong straight, a-quiver,                                
Yelling "Drawbridge!  Drawbridge!"  What a slander!         
                                                            
49730 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Dave V                   



A conceited young flasher named Wier                        
Always leers as he makes his thing clear.                   
There are viewers who drool                                 
At the size of his tool,                                    
So possession's nine tenths of the leer.                    
                                                            
49731 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Miss Kitty               



There once was a flasher named Paul,                        
Who stationed himself in the mall.                          
He unzipped as he bowed                                     
To the curious crowd,                                       
Then extended his welcome to all.                           
                                                            
49732 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD                               



A prank that I'll do when I'm able                          
To dine with old spinster Gert Grable,                      
Is yell "Goodness sake!                                     
Watch out, here's a snake!"                                 
Then heave my big dong on her table.                        
                                                            
49733 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD                               



There once was a man from Purdue;                           
Engineering was all that he knew.                           
And once it was said,                                       
He took ladies to bed,                                      
Just to measure the rate that it grew!                      
                                                            
49734 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man on the bus line at Stoke                        
Unzippered his fly for a joke.                              
Two girls gave a shout,                                     
An old lady passed out,                                     
And the homo right next had a stroke.                       
                                                            
49735 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD                          G2523



He's standing without any clothes.                          
He's proud of himself, I suppose.                           
Don't know why that is --                                   
Of parts that are his,                                      
I can't tell his hose from his nose.                        
                                                            
49736 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Marlene Lewis            



My uncle, called old Ebeneezer,                             
Had a woman and wanted to please her.                       
He tried not to boast,                                      
Then he showed her his ghost,                               
In an effort to moisten and tease her.                      
                                                            
49737 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Jayne                    



The son of a cheesemaker, Little Hans,                      
Was known far and wide for his 'grosse Schwanz'.            
It looked nice and clean,                                   
And had a grand sheen,                                      
But under the foreskin was Liederkranz.                     
                                                            
49738 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD                          G1500



An exhibitionist bugger named Morgan,                       
Had a dick with the powers of a Gorgon.                     
Its stiffness conveyed to                                   
The lads 'twas displayed to,                                
They got hard with one glance at his organ!                 
                                                            
49739 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Rowdy Jack               



He waggled his thing at Denise                              
And said, "Bet you ain't got one of these."                 
She said, "No, but I bet                                    
That my "dainty" can get                                    
Just as many of those as I please.                          
                                                            
49740 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Peter Wilkins            



A man who was proud of his peter,                           
Whipped it out so his small friend could greet 'er.         
Said the gal they call Tigger,                              
"I've seen peepees much bigger                              
And arrangement of balls that were neater."                 
                                                            
49741 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD                               



There was a young fellow named Kurtew,                      
Who shamelessly showed off his virtue.                      
When the young ladies screamed,                             
He remarked, as he beamed,                                  
"Why there's nothing in here that can hurt you!"            
                                                            
49742 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Albin Chaplin   3024-2149



"One banana split.  Heavy," said Sue,                       
"On the whipped cream."  The soda-jerk, Lou,                
Leaned over the sink                                        
And said with a wink,                                       
"I've got a pink banana for you!"                           
                                                            
49743 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Michael Weinstein   P0202



Look closer at my upright spear:                            
It's blue-veined and rampant, my dear.                      
The throbbing red tip                                       
Just can't wait to slip                                     
Inside your wet snatch from the rear.                       
                                                            
49744 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD                               



A certain young lady named Alice,                           
Lunched with the King in the palace.                        
The dirty old twat,                                         
Said look what I've got,                                    
And promptly showed Alice his phallus.                      
                                                            
49745 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Elvo Veek                



In the morning, a fellow named Ray                          
Pulled his pecker right out, for display.                   
And he let it protrude                                      
In a manner quite rude,                                     
Where it hung for the rest of the day.                      
                                                            
49746 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Cap'n Bean               



Said an unashamed satyr named Rex,                          
Unabashedly showing his sex,                                
"My Ballocks are brimmin',                                  
I hanker for women--                                        
This display better have some effects!"                     
                                                            
49747 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD                          G0728



On TV appeared a man wise                                   
To clear up the scandals and lies.                          
Then he showed a fine trick,                                
For he pulled out his prick,                                
And he said to the nation, "Surprise!"                      
                                                            
49748 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Albin Chaplin   3024-0642



Men brag about their shape and size;                        
This gives many girls a surprise.                           
When we think we'll see                                     
One that hangs to the knee,                                 
The thing that we see are the lies!                         
                                                            
49749 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Kaylin                   



A bicycle stuntman from Greeley                             
Gets excited by popping a wheelie;                          
He opens his shorts,                                        
Whilst a boner he sports,                                   
And he waves it around rather freely.                       
                                                            
49750 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Cap'n Bean          P2005



There was a young lady of Dallas                            
Who never knew what was a phallus.                          
So a fellow named Broder                                    
Took his pants off and showed her;                          
She took it in stride without malice.                       
                                                            
49751 PENES - DISPLAYED - PROUD      Albin Chalpin   3024-1330



The learned philosophers wrangle,                           
Exploring each facet and angle,                             
And their brains they have wracked                          
Seeking cause and effect                                    
Of the factors affecting the dangle.                        
                                                            
49752 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2396



"It's needless for your tongue to wag;                      
The answer," said one, "is the hag.                         
Though I may sound contrary,                                
The erection will vary,                                     
inversely as the sag of the bag."                           
                                                            
49753 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2397



The Cardinal held his cock bare                             
As he blew off a shot in the air,                           
And he said, "I surmise                                     
That the pecker will rise                                   
Direct as the square of the hair."                          
                                                            
49754 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2398



A lawyer with knowledge replete                             
Provocative thought did repeat                              
On the matters affecting                                    
And the causes erecting --                                  
It was mainly the heat of the meat.                         
                                                            
49755 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2399



The doctor said sadly, "Alas,                               
The data that I did amass --                                
And I have all the poop --                                  
What contributes to droop,                                  
Is mostly the mass of the ass.                              
                                                            
49756 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2400



The pensive judge rose from the bench                       
And read from a treatise in French:                         
"Your pecker will dangle                                    
At a vertical angle,                                        
If you tackle a wench with a stench."                       
                                                            
49757 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2401



Said the bishop, "I have here the scoop                     
What causes the pecker to droop.                            
The rot of the twat                                         
With peril is fraught,                                      
And your pecker will never recoup.                          
                                                            
49758 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2402



The Pontiff, so learned and wise,                           
Said seldom would he show surprise,                         
But it softened his meat                                    
And he beat a retreat,                                      
When he ran into flies on the thighs.                       
                                                            
49759 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2403



Said the Senator, pausing to think,                         
"It is seldom from cunt I will shrink.                      
What gives me a fit                                         
Is shit on the slit,                                        
And it causes my pecker to sink."                           
                                                            
49760 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2404



The preacher, obliged by his duty,                          
Told all, as he scratched on a cootie.                      
His prick, he confessed,                                    
Was never depressed                                         
By the beauty he saw in a cutie.                            
                                                            
49761 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2405



I dreamt once again I was nude                              
In a crowd, doing nought that was crude.                    
In a city street,                                           
My prick looking neat,                                      
But everyone else looking lewd!                             
                                                            
49762 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Archie                   



These dreams have an obvious cause,                         
They're due to a lack of good whores.                       
So forget inhibition,                                       
Get into position,                                          
And boff anthing on all fours.                              
                                                            
49763 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



And if this does not cure you,                              
Then roger a she-kangaroo.                                  
Then a joey named Arch                                      
May arrive next March,                                      
A wonderful sight 'twill be too.                            
                                                            
49764 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



He'd practiced his elocution                                
While performing his morning abolution.                     
With pecker in hand,                                        
His style grew more grand;                                  
'Twas a speechmaking revolution.                            
                                                            
49765 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     MrMalo                   



Now he goes 'round giving speeches;                         
In this eloquent manner he teaches;                         
In a voice firm and loud,                                   
He dazzles the crowd,                                       
With his dick hanging out of his breeches.                  
                                                            
49766 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     MrMalo                   



I once knew a fellow, Mahoney,                              
Who went around flashing his bone; he                       
Displayed fifteen inch,                                     
But Sue gave a pinch;                                       
It came off.  Mahoney's a phoney!                           
                                                            
49767 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



The fellow you know as Mahoney:                             
Was his prosthesis made of bologna,                         
Or did he get drastic                                       
And make one of plastic,                                    
Or order one special from Sony?                             
                                                            
49768 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     John Miller              



Lieutenant M, here is your job:                             
Take care of my thingamabob.                                
Swab out the cheese,                                        
Smear on the grease,                                        
And keep a good shine on the knob.                          
                                                            
49769 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     H Welchel                



I'm to be knob polisher bitch.                              
But now, I've run into a glitch.                            
Just what shall I do                                        
With that stuff that you spew?                              
The cheese I'll put in your sandwich.                       
                                                            
49770 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



You've put me in charge of it now.                          
To my rules you better kow-tow!                             
Don't ask about oil,                                        
I'll contact the mohyle;                                    
He'll inspire you to shriek, "OW!"                          
                                                            
49771 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



Now, my dear Lady, I surrender!                             
I trust it to your sweet pudender.                          
So please keep it warm                                      
And see it no harm,                                         
And don't use the brush or the bender.                      
                                                            
49772 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     H Welchel                



I'll cradle your skin with my hand                          
And watch for the growth of your gland.                     
"If kept where it's wet,                                    
Would you like that, pet?"                                  
I say with a tone that is bland.                            
                                                            
49773 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Marlene Lewis            



Now as I slip into suspension,                              
The beta shift at full attention,                           
Please sweeten my dreams                                    
Of creams, reams, and streams,                              
By maintaining penis distension.                            
                                                            
49774 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     H Welchel                



My Charlie's a little bit odd;                              
His "he-man" is just a facade.                              
His nightshirt has lace;                                    
The transparent place                                       
Right there, is to show off his rod.                        
                                                            
49775 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES                              



I don't know why he bought this thing.                      
Accused him of having a fling --                            
"It is mine," he claimed                                    
"But I was ashamed                                          
To wear it without a g-string."                             
                                                            
49776 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES                              



A photographer by the name of Todd                          
Was arrested for exposing his rod.                          
He said, "For Heaven's sake,                                
It was all a mistake!                                       
I was using it for a mono-pod."                             
                                                            
49777 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Puff Adder               



The judge said, "That's no excuse.                          
It wasn't meant for such use.                               
Don't try to fool me;                                       
On the report I see,                                        
When arrested, you're spurting your juice!"                 
                                                            
49778 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Puff Adder               



It's summer again, Hooray!                                  
So I went to the beach yesterday,                           
And ran 'cross the sand                                     
With my dick in my hand,                                    
Just to frighten the tourists away.                         
                                                            
49779 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Franko                   



But some of the tourists who stayed,                        
'Cause for your intervention, they'd prayed,                
They lined up on all fours,                                 
And said, "Take me, I'm yours!"                             
But it turned out that you were afraid.                     
                                                            
49780 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES     Franko                   



The daughter of neighbour McFee                             
Caught sight of me taking a pee.                            
The girl got so flushed,                                    
That old McFee rushed                                       
Outside and chased me from his tree.                        
                                                            
49781 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES                              



I have to relate to you, man,                               
My trousers got soaked as I ran.                            
But  never-the-less,                                        
McFee's daughter Bess                                       
Became my most passionate fan.                              
                                                            
49782 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES                              



Just watching those hazel eyes twinkle,                     
On hearing the sound of my tinkle,                          
Inspired  my  gush.                                         
She had such a crush                                        
'Til finding 'twas just a mere winkle.                      
                                                            
49783 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES                              



A hot-to-trot lad in Woonsocket,                            
One evening, got notions; don't knock it;                   
He tugged his girl's hand                                   
Toward his prime gland;                                     
"Come see, love, what's here in my pocket!"                 
                                                            
49784 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES                              



That lad did move on to New Port,                           
And found a new girl he could court;                        
And on their first date,                                    
She'd boldly dictate;                                       
I don't want to see you come short.                         
                                                            
49785 PENES - DISPLAYED - SERIES                              



There was a young man in the choir                          
Whose pecker rose higher and higher.                        
He kept time with the beat                                  
By pulsing his meat --                                      
A distraction, but one I admire.                            
                                                            
49786 PENES - HARD                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young fellow from Texas,                        
Keen and rapid in all his reflexes.                         
When his dinger upsprang,                                   
He'd respond with a wang                                    
Aimed just under his girl's solar plexus.                   
                                                            
49787 PENES - HARD                   Lance Payne         P8805



There was a young fellow named Cliff,                       
Who said with a yawn, "What's the diff?                     
I may not be tall,                                          
And my wealth may be small,                                 
But a part of me always stays stiff."                       
                                                            
49788 PENES - HARD                   Isaac Asimov             



A young girl in Boca Raton,                                 
Had a friend with a helluva bone.                           
No matter the weather,                                      
When they got together,                                     
All of Florida heard the girl moan.                         
                                                            
49789 PENES - HARD                   Actaeon                  



In death some men get an erection;                          
On occasion approaching perfection.                         
It is called "Angel Lust"                                   
When it is discussed                                        
In the course of forensic inspection.                       
                                                            
49790 PENES - HARD                   John Miller              



I'm compelled once again just to mention                    
"Angel lust" which is penile distention,                    
Which now and again                                         
Is found in dead men,                                       
And it makes then stand up at attention.                    
                                                            
49791 PENES - HARD                                            



A drug FDA says empowers                                    
Those men whose lives impotence sours,                      
Bears this admonition:                                      
"Consult a physician                                        
If erection lasts more than six hours."                     
                                                            
49792 PENES - HARD                   A. N. Wilkins       P9508



There was a shorthorn from Calatt                           
Whose pecker was flabby and flat.                           
He dosed it with yeast--                                    
It's a footrule, at least,                                  
And what could be stiffer than that?                        
                                                            
49793 PENES - HARD                                       G0281



There was a young fellow named Mose,                        
Whose pecker hung down to his toes.                         
When erect it stood free                                    
Like a solid oak tree,                                      
And attracted some termites and crows.                      
                                                            
49794 PENES - HARD                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0547



There was a young man named Gordon                          
Who got a really nice hardon                                
He said, "Where'll I stuff it?                              
I don't want to muff it."                                   
His wife said, "I beg your pardon?!"                        
                                                            
49795 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



I'd rather have fingers than toes,                          
I'd rather have ears than a nose,                           
And a happy erection                                        
Brought just to perfection,                                 
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.                         
                                                            
49796 PENES - HARD                                            



There once was a guy named Jim Vance                        
Got a hard-on one night at a dance.                         
Each time he would tense it,                                
She pushed hard against it,                                 
And both of them soiled their pants!                        
                                                            
49797 PENES - HARD                   Laurence Craft           



It's December and here comes the snow --                    
Just hear those winter winds blow.                          
When your cock turns to ice,                                
Ah, inside her is nice --                                   
But for warmth more than sex, don't you know.               
                                                            
49798 PENES - HARD                   Writerman                



On meeting each girl, he thought, "Could he?"               
Disregarding the question of "Should he?"                   
His pants would reveal                                      
His permanent zeal,                                         
So that's why they all called him "Woody."                  
                                                            
49799 PENES - HARD                   Tom Patton          P9707



There once was a lady curvacious,                           
Who engendered men's thoughts salacious.                    
When she was with her beau,                                 
His member would grow,                                      
Causing her to exclaim "Goodness Gracious!"                 
                                                            
49800 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



From the wilds of the African veldt,                        
To where the white snows never melt,                        
There is not in th least                                    
A more dangerous beast,                                     
Than a man when his penis is swelt.                         
                                                            
49801 PENES - HARD                   Pat Byrnes               



A pretty young nurse from Milpitas                          
Told her patient, "Let's not let this beat us.              
For I have a cure                                           
That's quick, safe, and sure                                
For your bad case of Erectus meatus."                       
                                                            
49802 PENES - HARD                   Ken Elrod           P8210



There once was a guy named Bower,                           
Whose tool had such sexual power,                           
That when it erected,                                       
He had it perfected                                         
To stay hard when he took a cold shower!                    
                                                            
49803 PENES - HARD                   Laurence Craft           



Men have what looks like a weiner.                          
It may be fatter or leaner.                                 
In conditions of lean                                       
It stays rather clean.                                      
What it does when fat is obscener.                          
                                                            
49804 PENES - HARD                   Macsam                   



An Eskimo up Snowshoe Creek                                 
Made love to his wife for a week;                           
He said "You must pardon                                    
My icicle hard-on,                                          
I froze it while taking a leak!"                            
                                                            
49805 PENES - HARD                   Ann Gasser          P9007



I can't wait till my hollyhock flower                       
Is embedded quite firm in your bower.                       
It will give you a glow                                     
As you'll find it will grow                                 
And get bigger with each passing shower.                    
                                                            
49806 PENES - HARD                   Peter Wilkins            



There was a young fellow from Maine,                        
Whose erections did cause him great pain.                   
He begged for relief                                        
From his very great grief,                                  
But his lady showed only disdain.                           
                                                            
49807 PENES - HARD                   Joe Long/Sam Schleman    



There was a young fellow named Gelling,                     
Who kept all the girls from his dwelling.                   
For if girls came too near                                  
To this non-cavalier,                                       
He complained that his pecker was swelling.                 
                                                            
49808 PENES - HARD                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2079



I stand now for days at a time;                             
At standing I'm now in my prime.                            
The girls think it fine                                     
As they now wait in line;                                   
To waste it they think is a crime.                          
                                                            
49809 PENES - HARD                   Archie                   



Envious of me are men, Lucy;                                
Come stand by my side and you'll see,                       
What they cannot stand:                                     
A stiff on demand.                                          
While you take a look, I'll goose thee!                     
                                                            
49810 PENES - HARD                   Frank                    



There was a young fellow named Morgan,                      
Who said to his girl, "You're a Gorgon.                     
For Gorgons are known                                       
To turn men into stone,                                     
And just look what you've done to my organ.                 
                                                            
49811 PENES - HARD                                            



There once was a fellow named Gus,                          
Who sex life was rated A+.       s                          
Any opposite gender             u                           
Would render his member,       h                            
In an attitude something like t   .                         
                                                            
49812 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Consider the plight of the creep,                           
Whose love life would cause one to weep.                    
He got an erection,                                         
Then died of rejection,                                     
When both of his hands fell asleep.                         
                                                            
49813 PENES - HARD                   Bob Giandomenico    P9307



While think of PUBES, I find                                
To versify's hard on the mind.                              
PUBE thinking's a strain                                    
That's hard on the brain.                                   
So hard on, my Jockey shorts bind.                          
                                                            
49814 PENES - HARD                   Irving Superior     P8601



Of nudists, a goodly cross-section                          
Were gathered for prayer and reflection.                    
But unlike the rest,                                        
I was there as a guest                                      
And the only one with an erection!                          
                                                            
49815 PENES - HARD                   Lance Payne         P8312



The Shakespearean actor, Ron Chance                         
Was cast opposite the beautiful Blanche.                    
At each night's curtain call,                               
He could not hide at all,                                   
The ovation that stood in his pants.                        
                                                            
49816 PENES - HARD                   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



A man who played the trombone                               
Had a very bodacious schlong.                               
High testosterone                                           
Caused a permanent bone,                                    
And the ladies won't leave him alone.                       
                                                            
49817 PENES - HARD                   Mikey              TP9901



Said Persian Gulf sailor Lafarge                            
After months on a mine sweeping barge,                      
"Though I've WAVE'd it and WAC'd it                         
And counter-attacked it,                                    
It's still up for an honorable discharge.                   
                                                            
49818 PENES - HARD                   Martin Wellborn     P9012



There was a young man in Schenectady,                       
And he found it quite hard to erect, said he,               
Till he took an injection,                                  
For deficient erection,                                     
Which in just the desired way, effected he!                 
                                                            
49819 PENES - HARD                                       L1613



I knew that I'd reached adolescence                         
When sniffing the feminine essence                          
That lingered in auntie's                                   
Discarded silk panties,                                     
Caused massive and instant tumescence.                      
                                                            
49820 PENES - HARD                   Peter Wilkins            



A stunning young lady named Joan                            
Thought that a penis was made from a bone.                  
She just didn't know                                        
That her sexual glow                                        
That turned parts of men into stone.                        
                                                            
49821 PENES - HARD                                            



An amorous fellow named Vance                               
Keeps praising the joys of romance:                         
"Your heart beats much faster,                              
The blue skies seem vaster,                                 
And there's that hot bulge in your pants."                  
                                                            
49822 PENES - HARD                   Armand E Singer       795



And no, dear, a mushroom it's not;                          
Also "mushroom" I fear I've not got                         
In my jocks when I tease                                    
Your sweet toes and the squeeze                             
Makes me feel unaccountably hot.                            
                                                            
49823 PENES - HARD                                            



A computer nerd named Finter,                               
Got his joint caught in his printer.                        
It got stained with toner,                                  
But gave him a boner                                        
That lasted him throughout the winter.                      
                                                            
49824 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Hickory Dickery Dock,                                       
The tongue ran up the cock.                                 
The man did smile;                                          
It had been a while,                                        
And his cock was as hard as a rock!                         
                                                            
49825 PENES - HARD                   Nogoody2shoe             



A young lady on her way home,                               
Was ravished one day by a gnome.                            
She looked at his rod,                                      
And said, "Oh my God,                                       
It looks just like a statue in Rome!"                       
                                                            
49826 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



An ARPAnaut name of Corvette                                
Had a fetish involving the net.                             
As he foldled his IMP,                                      
His cock went from limp                                     
To as hard as concrete which has set.                       
                                                            
49827 PENES - HARD                                            



Colleen, you must comprehend --                             
A phallus is woman's best friend.                           
They must be quite lusty,                                   
And even robusty,                                           
And it's crucial that they never bend.                      
                                                            
49828 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a strong lad named Dagg,                          
Who young ladies liked to shag.                             
He'd grind away furiously,                                  
But then most curiously,                                    
His powers never would flag.                                
                                                            
49829 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Young lads will resort to strange tricks                    
To jump in the hay with young chicks.                       
Even old ones will do,                                      
Be they black, brown or blue,                               
For no conscience is found in stiff pricks.                 
                                                            
49830 PENES - HARD                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0360



Yes I do like the sound of your rhyme;                      
Your one girl who suits me just fine.                       
I misjudged you before,                                     
Forgive me I implore;                                       
No one has a hard on like mine!                             
                                                            
49831 PENES - HARD                                            



I truly don't know how to start on                          
This Valentine's Day with my heart on                       
My sleeve to bereave,                                       
As I can't believe                                          
I have no place to place my hard on.                        
                                                            
49832 PENES - HARD                   Jim                      



We're nearing the end of the Winter;                        
My eyes have a slight evil glint-er.                        
If you played with my wood,                                 
You'd better be good.                                       
I'd hate you to get a big splinter.                         
                                                            
49833 PENES - HARD                   Frank Fazed              



Down the chimney at Rupp,                                   
A nude blond was there waiting to sup.                      
"Have a party?" begged she,                                 
"Might as well," replied he.                                
"Way I am, I just can't get back up!"                       
                                                            
49834 PENES - HARD                   Clarence Boyle      P8412



A second-rate poet, Ward Marden,                            
Would spy on girls' dorms from his garden,                  
Where the sight of nude witches                             
Caused the thing in his britches                            
To lengthen and strengthen and harden.                      
                                                            
49835 PENES - HARD                   Armand E Singer   intro C



Born so rigid, he had a square root,                        
From his crotch right down to his boot.                     
A square hole for his peg,                                  
On bent knees did he beg;                                   
She just offered a bung that went toot!                     
                                                            
49836 PENES - HARD                                            



There was a young man named Chris                           
And the women all thought he was bliss!                     
This amorous young fool.............i                       
Had a twelve inch tool.............h                        
That was always oriented like.....t                         
                                                            
49837 PENES - HARD                                            



On TV and most advertising,                                 
It's the tits that get much emphasizing.                    
They make them look huge;                                   
They even use rouge.                                        
My God! Old John Thomas is rising!                          
                                                            
49838 PENES - HARD                   Al Willis           T9711



"Please observe," said the youth of Los Angeles,            
"How impressive my cock's erect angle is.                   
In moments of zest                                          
It can tickle my chest --                                   
That's pi radians more than its dangle is.                  
                                                            
49839 PENES - HARD                   R.A.M.              A022B



My dick has a mind of its own,                              
And it often gets hard as a bone.                           
It comes out to play                                        
Every hour of the day,                                      
And my hands cannot leave it alone.                         
                                                            
49840 PENES - HARD                                            



There once was a young fellow named Nick,                   
Who was terribly proud of his prick.                        
Without fear it would bend,                                 
He would bounce on its end.                                 
As he said, "It's my own pogostick!"                        
                                                            
49841 PENES - HARD                   Isaac Asimov             



Miss Pease, being terribly frank,                           
Advised, "When your penis is lank,                          
It's easy to hide                                           
On either leg side,                                         
But erect it will jut out point-blank."                     
                                                            
49842 PENES - HARD                   Tutta Goia               



While bathing, a student named Hume                         
Read a novel called "Sex in the Gloom."                     
On arising, the dope,                                       
Skidded once on some soap                                   
And pole-vaulted right out of the room.                     
                                                            
49843 PENES - HARD                                            



There was a young Marquis of Landsdowne,                    
Who tried hard to keep his great stands down.               
Said he, "But that I thought                                
I should break it off short,                                
My penis I'd hold with both hands down."                    
(Published 1870)                                            
49844 PENES - HARD                                       L1190



A big cattle rancher named Thad                             
Gave the sexy young daughter he had                         
Some hot pants for a treat.                                 
Now when she hits the street,                               
That girl raises more meat than her dad.                    
                                                            
49845 PENES - HARD                                       P8502



There once was a man named Lafarge,                         
Whose dick was exceedingly large.                           
His razor he'd hone                                         
On the end of his bone,                                     
And lather his face with the charge.                        
                                                            
49846 PENES - HARD                                       G2393



A fellow unskilled in excesses,                             
Was hugged and received such caresses,                      
When his girl held him tight                                
And then kissed him good night,                             
That he left with residual stresses.                        
                                                            
49847 PENES - HARD                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0132



He dated a nurse named Betty,                               
Who played with his organ so pretty.                        
She said with a grin,                                       
"Rigor mortis set in.                                       
See, it's getting stiff already!"                           
                                                            
49848 PENES - HARD                   Kaylin                   



There once was a sailor of yore,                            
Who had dreams of his favorite whore.                       
Alone in a storm,                                           
He'd picture her form,                                      
And soon he'd be rowing his oar.                            
                                                            
49849 PENES - HARD                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A hot-blooded hayseed named Vance                           
Daren't ask country girls for a dance;                      
He fears that proximity                                     
To undies and dimity                                        
Will force him to strap down his lance.                     
                                                            
49850 PENES - HARD                   Armand E Singer       917



A fakir on his spikey old bed                               
Wants his sex desires all to be dead.                       
While a satyr in Ardmore                                    
Wishes he could stay hardmore,                              
And fuck all the virgins unbred.                            
                                                            
49851 PENES - HARD                                       G2253



With his penis in turgid erection,                          
And aimed at woman's midsection,                            
Man looks most uncouth                                      
In that Moment of Truth,                                    
But she sheathes it with loving affection.                  
                                                            
49852 PENES - HARD                                       G0060



A punctilious Army recruit                                  
Believed lady lieutenants were cute;                        
So he peeked throught the lock                              
At a WAC in her smock                                       
And his cock did a snappy salute.                           
                                                            
49853 PENES - HARD                   Thomas A. Quinine   P8406



There was a young nudist from Denver                        
Who had an unusual member;                                  
It was stiff as Jello                                       
When the weather was mellow.                                
But a popsicle every December!                              
                                                            
49854 PENES - HARD                                            



There was an Old Person of Ewell,                           
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;                             
But to make it more nice,                                   
He inserted some rice,                                      
And thus got some starch in his tool.                       
                                                            
49855 PENES - HARD                   Edwardian Leer 083       



Jack Claus, who sold Christmas trees,                       
No woman could he ever please.                              
Even if he could,                                           
They'd not like his wood,                                   
If his hardon could flap in a breeze.                       
                                                            
49856 PENES - HARD                   Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



An architect, drafting corrections                          
To blueprints for skyscraper sections,                      
Soon saw that with struts                                   
That were curved like girls' butts,                         
He could have much stronger erections.                      
                                                            
49857 PENES - HARD                   Norm Storer         P9603



My coq-au-vin's straining my jock,                          
And my knees are beginning to knock.                        
I'll submit to you dear                                     
As you fondle my spear,                                     
For you'll soon make it harder than rock.                   
                                                            
49858 PENES - HARD                   PeterW                   



In high school I'd walk down the hall                       
In underwear five times too small.                          
I hid if I could                                            
Perpetual wood.                                             
But Now I'm proud, tent-pants and all.                      
                                                            
49859 PENES - HARD                   H Welchel                



A paleontologist, Joan,                                     
Smiled when she heard a soft moan.                          
It rose from a tent                                         
Where two diggers went.                                     
She loved when their bones turned to stone!                 
                                                            
49860 PENES - HARD                   H WHELCHEL               



As he stood near the Queen on her throne,                   
The Jester's cock got hard as a bone.                       
"Ma'am, I do beg your pardon                                
For getting a hardon;                                       
The thing has a mind of its own!"                           
                                                            
49861 PENES - HARD                   Writerman                



While dancing, a problem has Updyke.                        
When uptight, what's down right goes upright.               
But being quite deft-                                       
Right, center, or left-,                                    
What's upright goes up right then up tight.                 
                                                            
49862 PENES - HARD                   Irving Superior     P8508



I suffered from Trouser Commotion,                          
When thinking today of the notion                           
Of you in your bed                                          
In you panties of red,                                      
And vibrating with yoyo-like motion.                        
                                                            
49863 PENES - HARD                   Peter Wilkins            



At sixteen we can match her demands                         
No matter how active her glands.                            
For it's then man's physique                                
Is at its very peak,                                        
Yet we just let it slip through our hands.                  
                                                            
49864 PENES - HARD                   Bob Giandomenico    P9102



Oh, THAT'S what my problem is called!                       
I've been asked by the girls that I've balled               
(When I've no further need,                                 
Having planted my seed)                                     
"It's still hard, so why have you stalled?"                 
                                                            
49865 PENES - HARD                                            



How he cried when he lost the election;                     
For a month he had no erection.                             
He then met a girl                                          
And with a quick swirl,                                     
He was hard again to perfection.                            
                                                            
49866 PENES - HARD                   Arbuckle           TP9802



Though their parents no doubt could disown them,            
And I sure as hell do not condone them,                     
In their Latin class, swelling,                             
Kids passed notes, for the telling,                         
Which read "Habeo tremendum bonum."                         
                                                            
49867 PENES - HARD                   Armand E Singer       294



A Chinese named Wong from Haiphong,                         
Got a job ringing bells with his dong.                      
But the Emperor said, "I                                    
Had to can the poor guy,                                    
When Wong's superhard schlong broke my gong."               
                                                            
49868 PENES - HARD - HARDER          Michael Weinstein   P9408



My tool that's as hard as a rock,                           
Has tripped me and broken a crock                           
Of briney green pickles.                                    
The juice, as it trickles,                                  
Has pickled much more than my sock.                         
                                                            
49869 PENES - HARD - HARDER                                   



A prospector who dwelt in Fort Morgan                       
Had his cock turned to rock by a gorgon,                    
Although not by her style,                                  
Nor the guile of her smile,                                 
But the hex of her sexual organ.                            
                                                            
49870 PENES - HARD - HARDER          Hugh Oliver         A026A



There was a young lady named Brewer,                        
Who said that nobody could screw her.                       
Along came a fink                                           
With a cast-iron dink,                                      
And rammed it all the way through her.                      
                                                            
49871 PENES - HARD - HARDER                              G0536



"Dear Doctor, I fear I have thoughts                        
Which cause havoc inside of my shorts,                      
And I find that my cock                                     
Gets as hard as a rock,                                     
And I come not in ounces but quartz."                       
                                                            
49872 PENES - HARD - HARDER          Peter Wilkins            



A good vacuum pump from Osbone,                             
Returned to me my lost bone.                                
My lover's all smiles                                       
And she drips all the while;                                
She's watching my dick turn to bone!                        
                                                            
49873 PENES - HARD - HARDER          Tomasalvin         TP9806



There once was a fellow named Zeke,                         
Whose penis was rather unique;                              
His pecker'd get stiff                                      
From a vaginal whiff,                                       
And the thing would stay up for a week!                     
                                                            
49874 PENES - HARD - HARDER          Cap'n Bean          P9911



An old Latin scholar named Enos                             
Was possessed of the world's hardest penis.                 
At the British Museum,                                      
He cried, "Carpe diem!"                                     
And punctured the statue of Venus.                          
(carpe diem - sieze the day)                                
49875 PENES - HARD - HARDER          Stargazer                



There was a young fellow from Dallas,                       
Who was rugged, enormous, and callous.                      
He would shatter chrome steel,                              
With one blow of his heel,                                  
Then powder the bits with his phallus.                      
                                                            
49876 PENES - HARD - HARDER          Isaac Asimov             



A paleontologist, Enos,                                     
Discovered a petrified penis;                               
It's owner, Nyuk Uk,                                        
Had had the hard luck                                       
Of trying to mount the wrong genus.                         
                                                            
49877 PENES - HARD - HARDER                                   



A virile young villain of Scone                             
Had a pecker as hard as a stone.                            
This made things quite nice;                                
He could thrust it in twice                                 
And still there'd be starch in his bone.                    
                                                            
49878 PENES - HARD - HARDER                              G0447



At fifteen, I was warned by my Mum,                         
"Man's a beast, he's a demon, a bum;                        
He'll lose all self control                                 
Once his member is swole --"                                
Oh, Mum, your advice was so dumb.                           
                                                            
49879 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Robin K. Willoughby P8502



I envisioned each fellow I'd spy                            
As a jack-in-the-box with a fly;                            
I thought, "When they pop out,                              
And pounce, I won't cop out!"                               
I'm still waiting for that kind of guy.                     
                                                            
49880 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Robin K. Willoughby P8502



But my "old firm" stays hard!                               
Just ask any feminine bard                                  
Who makes my encounter,                                     
And asks me to mount 'er,                                   
In bedroom or office or yard!                               
                                                            
49881 PENES - HARD - SERIES                                   



My "old firm" has always been kind                          
To gals in their passionate bind;                           
The words of Mae West                                       
Describe me the best:                                       
"A hard man is sure good to find!"                          
                                                            
49882 PENES - HARD - SERIES                                   



Sweet Kaylin you left me too quick.                         
You were gone when I looked at my stick.                    
There are nurses and witches,                               
But I have good news, which is:                             
I'm cured!  It's as hard as a brick!                        
                                                            
49883 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Dirruk                   



Dirruk -- This one's on me --                               
You don't have to pay any fee.                              
I'm glad that you're cured,                                 
You can rest assured --                                     
I have no money-back guarantee!!                            
                                                            
49884 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Kaylin                   



There sat an old recluse dejected;                          
His pecker for years had defected.                          
Now to death he was freezing                                
But he found it so pleasing,                                
For his prick was now firm and erected.                     
                                                            
49885 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-2013



An impotent recluse named Cliff                             
For years had no pussy to sniff.                            
Now to death he was freezing,                               
But he found it most pleasing,                              
For he died with his cock firm and stiff.                   
                                                            
49886 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Albin Chaplin   3024-1995



Oh Mel, come where we're all alone,                         
And look at this thing I have grown,                        
Through thinking that you'd                                 
Dance for me in the nude.                                   
Have you ever seen such a bone.                             
                                                            
49887 PENES - HARD - SERIES                                   



Such boasting Pel's what any drunk'll                       
Do, That's a tiny carbuncle,                                
Which causes a laugh.                                       
The size isn't half                                         
Of my father, or brother or uncle.                          
                                                            
49888 PENES - HARD - SERIES                                   



Maggie went off to the gym,                                 
Attempting to tighten her quim.                             
But H was her spotter,                                      
And as she got taughter,                                    
Her squat lifts were tightening him.                        
                                                            
49889 PENES - HARD - SERIES          H WHELCHEL               



Maggie lifted a massive barbell.                            
As she lifted, poor H's face fell;                          
For HIS bar rose up                                         
Right out of his cup,                                       
And scared off the gym's clientele!                         
                                                            
49890 PENES - HARD - SERIES          ROE                      



Instructed by Madame du Gomme,                              
I'll concentrate hard and say OMM...                        
Now closing my eyes,                                        
I can feel myself rise;                                     
Levitating, I hope, with aplomb.                            
                                                            
49891 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Peter Wilkins            



Six inches...okay, I suppose;                               
Well, that's how it normally goes.                          
I once 'OMMed' for hours,                                   
Using all of my powers,                                     
But no more than six inches I rose.                         
                                                            
49892 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Peter Wilkins            



I thought 'twas because of my weight;                       
But no, said my neighbor young Kate;                        
Takes only two seconds                                      
Of OMMing she reckons                                       
For hubby to levitate eight.                                
                                                            
49893 PENES - HARD - SERIES          Peter Wilkins            



I once did find myself fond                                 
Of a gentleman whose hair was blond.                        
When it came time to compare                                
His and my hair down there,                                 
His was darker and curled on his wand.                      
                                                            
49894 PENES - HIRSUTE                Arden                    



There was an old Spanish Grandee                            
Who affected a forked goatee.                               
He grew it so long                                          
It curled 'round his dong,                                  
And gave girls he fucked great glee.                        
                                                            
49895 PENES - HIRSUTE                                    G2353



I love men that're covered with hair --                     
On their faces, chests, backs, everywhere!                  
Though my loves may be bal-                                 
d I'll not ball them at all                                 
If they don't have some fuzzies "down there."               
                                                            
49896 PENES - HIRSUTE                Robin K. Willoughby P8601



The boys all said, "Look at poor Angus,                     
The boy with the miniature dingus.                          
He'll never get dates,                                      
Unlees 'course he rates                                     
An expert in arts cunnilingus."                             
                                                            
49897 PENES - HIRSUTE                                         



Angus finally got him a date.                               
With the town nymphomaniac Kate.                            
She made him disrobe                                        
Exposing his probe,                                         
And got down on her knees to fellate.                       
                                                            
49898 PENES - HIRSUTE                                         



The problem that Kate soon discovered                       
Was that Angus' penis was covered                           
By his pubic hair                                           
Causing Kate to just stare                                  
And wonder if it could be rubbered.                         
                                                            
49899 PENES - HIRSUTE                                         



There was a young man of Bulgaria,                          
Who took down his pants in a area.                          
Said Mary to cook,                                          
"Oh! Do come and look!                                      
Have you ever seen anything hairier?"                       
                                                            
49900 PENES - HIRSUTE                                    L0677



There once was a man named Great Bear,                      
Who had one, only one, pubic hair.                          
Though his friends all made fun,                            
He said, "Wait!  I'm not done!"                             
The next day, 'twas a jungle in there.                      
                                                            
49901 PENES - HIRSUTE                Sack-Boy                 



There was an old ape in the zoo;                            
He had a humongous whazoo.                                  
When erect it was scary,                                    
All scabrous and hairy;                                     
It frightened the elephants too.                            
                                                            
49902 PENES - HIRSUTE                Mikey              TP9901



There was an old person of Dutton,                          
Whose dong was as small as a button.                        
So to make it look big,                                     
He purchased a wig,                                         
(We call it a merkin) to put on.                            
                                                            
49903 PENES - HIRSUTE                Edwardian Leer 049  P8601



An impotent man, Lord of Gor,                               
Kept pestering Ms. Harlot, a whore.                         
But she told him to ring up                                 
When he got his thing up,                                   
And not a damn minute before.                               
                                                            
49904 PENES - IMPROVED               Neal Wilgus         P8408



The plight of his Lordship of Gor                           
Has left me in tears and heartsore.                         
If you don't mind, Neal,                                    
I'd like to reveal                                          
That his tale doesn't end with the whore.                   
                                                            
49905 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



Lord of Gor went abroad for the cure                        
As prescribed in French literature.                         
Alas, a success!                                            
Very hard to suppress.                                      
Now he's cocksure in affaires d'amour.                      
                                                            
49906 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



While proving his mettle in France,                         
(And splitting the seams of his pants),                     
His Chanson de Geste grew                                   
With each turn of the screw.                                
Les filles are all still in a trance.                       
                                                            
49907 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



Next he traveled along to Madrid                            
Where he even surpassed old El Cid.                         
This bold Lord of Gor                                       
Was no common senor,                                        
And he left most of their donas gravid.                     
                                                            
49908 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



His welcome wore thin in Aragon                             
So he thought he had better move on.                        
He took his cockscomb                                       
Further Westward to Rome                                    
To pursue his amore marathon.                               
                                                            
49909 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



A regular satyr was he                                      
As he bedded each maiden with glee.                         
It was all Saturnalia,                                      
And no semper fidelia.                                      
Boccaccio rolled in his grave with envy.                    
                                                            
49910 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



Then on he did go to old Thrace                             
In his efforts on behalf of the race.                       
He wooed 'em and screwed 'em                                
And sometimes tattooed 'em                                  
And left a broad smile on each face.                        
                                                            
49911 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



Now Northward our Don Juan proceeded                        
To see where his talents were needed.                       
They loved him in Bucharest,                                
He loved them in Budapest.                                  
He breeded and breeded and breeded!                         
                                                            
49912 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



In Berlin he arose to great feats.                          
He thought Unter der Linden meant under the sheets.         
"Linden" or "Linen", whatever,                              
The fraus thought him clever.                               
They were replete with his sexual treats.                   
                                                            
49913 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



In Holland the females grew fat                             
As begat and begat and begat.                               
He insured, with begotten,                                  
That he won't be forgotten                                  
When he finally hangs up his hat.                           
                                                            
49914 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



In Stockholm he really fared well,                          
Extending honors to each native belle.                      
They all vied to mate him,                                  
And accomodate him,                                         
In that land that has no parallel.                          
                                                            
49915 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



Then in Oslo he hefted his clout,                           
Relieving their sexual drought.                             
But he packed it all in                                     
And left with a grin,                                       
Before Customs told him, "Get Out!"                         
                                                            
49916 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



In Scotland he flipped up his kilt                          
And positioned each maiden atilt.                           
The ire of the Thane                                        
Was, alas, all in vain.                                     
Lord Gor's trip did not include guilt.                      
                                                            
49917 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



On to Ireland for one final fling                           
Before he'd extinguished his thing.                         
Begor, Lord of Gor,                                         
What a score! What a score!                                 
As he wound and rewound his mainspring.                     
                                                            
49918 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



At last he arrived home in Bath,                            
Leaving a trail of masculine wrath.                         
He'd given "Grand Tour"                                     
A new meaning and more,                                     
Left a generation of Gor Aftermath.                         
                                                            
49919 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



Just one word of warning, Beware!                           
As Gor recoups in his ancestral lair,                       
He is eyeing the States                                     
And figuring dates                                          
For a romp from New York to Belair.                         
                                                            
49920 PENES - IMPROVED               June Sullivan       P8408



A ferocious young plumber of Boulder                        
Argued hotly, his girl had grown colder,                    
And in making his point                                     
He created a joint                                          
By annointing his foreskin with solder.                     
                                                            
49921 PENES - IMPROVED               Hugh Oliver         A027A



There once was a fellow named Hector                        
Whose tool had a sector-trajector,                          
To correct for the mass,                                    
And the heat of the ass,                                    
And the bore and the stroke and the vector.                 
                                                            
49922 PENES - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin 3024  G2601



There once was a man named Tony;                            
The bulge in his pants looked so phoney.                    
When she reached down inside                                
To play with his pride,                                     
She removed Oscar Meyer bologna.                            
                                                            
49923 PENES - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



He crawled out and came right back in;                      
He knew I loved his special sin.                            
It's obvious because                                        
He comes without pause,                                     
And his cock has a corkscrew fin.                           
                                                            
49924 PENES - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Cupid has thrown me a dart,                           
Though I don't feel it piercing my heart;                   
But it's filled me with lust,                               
So I think that it must                                     
Have been aimed at my sensitive part.                       
                                                            
49925 PENES - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



I've forgotten that fraulein, my dear;                      
Now I've licked all the rhyme from your rear.               
Will those tricks that you mention                          
Increase my extension,                                      
And double the size of my spear?                            
                                                            
49926 PENES - IMPROVED               Jim Weaver Collection    



An alien just in from Venus                                 
Had an eye on the tip of his penis.                         
The gals cried, "Amazing,                                   
This intimate gazing,                                       
A heavenly ocular genius!"                                  
                                                            
49927 PENES - IMPROVED               RGCPJC             TP9806



You know why the men name their pricks,                     
Calling them Johnson, Peter, or Dick?                       
'Cause they can't abide                                     
That stranger that hides,                                   
In their pants calling shots double quick.                  
                                                            
49928 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



There was a young woman named Pearl                         
Who became the world's happiest girl                        
With a man, on a binge,                                     
Whose tool had a hinge,                                     
So he not only pumped, but could twirl.                     
                                                            
49929 PENES - IMPROVED               Isaac Asimov             



A young man up in Millinocket,                              
Kept a spare dick in his pocket.                            
You may think it odd,                                       
To have such a cod,                                         
But he had an interchangeable socket.                       
                                                            
49930 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



An impotent man in Port Credit                              
Used shot in his pencil to lead it.                         
He enjoyed a few fucks                                      
With some upended ducks,                                    
But drew blanks with the ladies, who fled it.               
                                                            
49931 PENES - IMPROVED               Hugh Oliver           62c



An inquisitive harlot named Strensall --                    
After sampling the plumber's utensil,                       
To the factory went she,                                    
There determined to see                                     
How the lead was put into the pencil.                       
                                                            
49932 PENES - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin   3024-1671



There once was an old man from Bristol,                     
Whose dick acted just like a pistol.                        
And it would go off                                         
Every time he would cough;                                  
A machine gun when he would whistle.                        
                                                            
49933 PENES - IMPROVED               Jeff                     



A talented 'frotteur' from France                           
Had singular nerves in his glans.                           
With one casual trail                                       
He would learn each detail                                  
Of the size, shape, and taste in gal's pants.               
                                                            
49934 PENES - IMPROVED                                   G0333



For all the girls who are nifty,                            
Here's plight of a lad called "Swifty",                     
His rod lacked the lubes                                    
To penetrate pubes,                                         
So he used a bit of Slick-50.                               
                                                            
49935 PENES - IMPROVED               Connie Lingus            



The most popular saint ever anointed                        
Had a tool that was centrally jointed.                      
The effect of the flexion                                   
In his weapon's midsection                                  
Left none of the girls disappointed.                        
                                                            
49936 PENES - IMPROVED               Steve Pridgeon           



Let her show you the ancient art                            
Of folding, on your stiffy part.                            
She'll make your tackle                                     
A crested grackle.                                          
Whatever you do, please don't fart.                         
                                                            
49937 PENES - IMPROVED               Ericka                   



A man with a prostate disorder                              
Had difficulty passing his water,                           
'Til his tube was reamed out;                               
And now out the spout,                                      
It's coming out more like it oughter.                       
                                                            
49938 PENES - IMPROVED               Edwin J Weinstein        



A man by the name of Becker,                                
He had a rotating pecker.                                   
Every time he'd fuck,                                       
The funny old cock                                          
Turned into a Black and Decker.                             
                                                            
49939 PENES - IMPROVED               Martin V Jensen          



But surely such screwing and drilling                       
Are just what the ladies find thrilling;                    
Wouldn't you like the knack                                 
With your Decker and Black                                  
To ensure that your tool is fulfilling?                     
                                                            
49940 PENES - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



A frustrated fellow was Vince;                              
His girl took too long to convince.                         
When at last she agreed,                                    
They could only proceed                                     
With a roll of Scotch tape and some splints.                
                                                            
49941 PENES - IMPROVED               Albin Chaplin   3024-0371



There was an old man of Dundee                              
Whose pecker was shaped like a key!                         
Said he, "If gals peeholes                                  
Were all shaped like keyholes,                              
What a helluva world this would be."                        
                                                            
49942 PENES - IMPROVED               Grand Prix Lim  745 G0316



My prick's been improved with a graft.                      
It's craftily hid in the shaft.                             
It's got laser sighting                                     
And GPS guiding,                                            
But still aims a little bit aft.                            
                                                            
49943 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



I have a divining dick;                                     
It performs its own little trick.                           
It always knows                                             
Which way the wind blows,                                   
Whenever there's pussy to stick.                            
                                                            
49944 PENES - IMPROVED               Mr Malo                  



I didn't mind the ladies in frocks                          
But the men, I'm afraid gave me shocks.                     
In the tightest of tights                                   
Under theater lights;                                       
Had they no other place for their socks?                    
                                                            
49945 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



A very old man, baker Reese,                                
Approaching his hour of decease,                            
With Death at his door,                                     
"Please, Nursie, once more,                                 
Please sprinkle my dinkie with yeast.                       
(Yea and we'll rise again - McW)                            
49946 PENES - IMPROVED               Irving Superior     P8303



A famous old tale from Devizes                              
Concerns any quote of great prizes.                         
If you give tit for tat,                                    
Or just any thing that                                      
Can befit a good staff of two sizes.                        
                                                            
49947 PENES - IMPROVED               Bill Backe-Hansen   P9005



Before boffing, a fellow had oughter                        
Rub his engine a bit in warm water;                         
Mix up ginger and honey;                                    
Rub it in real good, sonny;                                 
Your love-pump will grow for the slaughter!                 
                                                            
49948 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



What a lotion is ginger and honey!                          
The Sheikh swears by it; it's not funny!;                   
This strange, spicy powder                                  
Helps you joyfully crowd her,                               
With a monster to thrill any bunny!                         
                                                            
49949 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



Wash your manhood until it turns red;                       
Take soft leather, with hot pitch well spread;              
Envelop your tool;                                          
And then let it cool;                                       
Repeat 'till it looks quite well fed!                       
                                                            
49950 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



Other lotions, he says can't go wrong;                      
Pureed leeches, heat treated 'till strong;                  
Rub it on without fail;                                     
Soon your lady will wail,                                   
When she feels your magnificent dong!                       
                                                            
49951 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



'Nother hint: boil a jackass's dick;                        
'Long with corn and some onions, real slick;                
Feed that meal to the chickens;                             
Which you eat; your tool thickens                           
To such size that the girls get love-sick!                  
                                                            
49952 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



From the Sheikh we can all now be sure;                     
P.U.D. no one has to endure;                                
For the gents around here                                   
There's no problem, I hear;                                 
Carry on, stout lads; vive l'amour!                         
                                                            
49953 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



There once was a fellow named Jock,                         
With a most insatiable cock.                                
His wife, so I hear,                                        
Out of cruelty or fear                                      
Keeps it under a chain and a lock.                          
                                                            
49954 PENES - IMPROVED               Phil T                   



So flesh-colored duct tape's the rage                       
In this gravity war we all wage?                            
Then I'll tape up my dong                                   
'Cause it's dragging along                                  
On the floor now, because of my age.                        
                                                            
49955 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



A cod-piecey dancer named Cox                               
Seemed to have balls big as rocks;                          
When he did play                                            
His tights split, oy vey!                                   
The stage was all covered in socks.                         
                                                            
49956 PENES - IMPROVED               Tutta Gioa               



An elder of old Halifax                                     
Would bolster his weapon with wax,                          
For his wife, in the main,                                  
So she wouldn't complain,                                   
If he should prematurely relax.                             
                                                            
49957 PENES - IMPROVED               Keith MacMillan       26a



If you wish to enliven your pecker,                         
And you use electric power as erector,                      
Making 110 volts                                            
Barely gives it a jolt.                                     
220's a fine pecker wrecker.                                
                                                            
49958 PENES - IMPROVED                                        



Bea loved her sailor from Brest.                            
When she finally gave him a rest,                           
She carved his wanker                                       
In the shape of an anchor.                                  
She was diagnosed Seamen Obsessed.                          
                                                            
49959 PENES - IMPROVED               Annie Jay                



Bea was loving her sailor from Brest                        
When a monster wave hit from the west.                      
She grabbed his wanker                                      
Shaped like an anchor,                                      
Said, "Drop it! We'll ride out the crest!"                  
                                                            
49960 PENES - IMPROVED               Annie Jay                



That anchor-donged sailor from Brest,                       
Agreed that dear Bea was the best,                          
But realized too late,                                      
If she'd shaped it straight,                                
His dick would have reached to his chest.                   
                                                            
49961 PENES - IMPROVED               Frank Fazed              



Insatiable horny young Dawn                                 
Screwed her lover from five in the morn                     
Through midnight each day                                   
Till he faded away,                                         
With his dongle all tattered and torn.                      
                                                            
49962 PENES - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



Then into the breach stepped old Pete                       
With his infamous meter of meat.                            
And he hammered it in                                       
With a devilish grin,                                       
'Til she fainted with pleasure, replete.                    
                                                            
49963 PENES - IMPROVED               Peter Wilkins            



A young gal from Vegas, named Sue,                          
Once discovered a dick that was blue.                       
Ever since, all for science,                                
She'd check for compliance.                                 
(He should have told t'was a tattoo.)                       
                                                            
49964 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



That Sue's made a fool out of you                           
With regards to the dick that was blue.                     
The past tense of blow                                      
Is blew, doncha know,                                       
And that's what she did... without you!                     
                                                            
49965 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



Her reason for telling the lie                              
About standards to which we comply?                         
The lass was in fear                                        
That you'd whack her rear                                   
For 'checking' a guy such as I!                             
                                                            
49966 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



Whenever young Sue's in the mood,                           
She puts up a sign "sex for food."                          
The ravenous miss                                           
Says sex is such bliss,                                     
When a dude shares his food in the nude!                    
                                                            
49967 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



There was a magician named Jack                             
Whose prick had an uncommon knack.                          
He could fit any cunt,                                      
Whether fat, tall or runt,                                  
And change color to suit white or black.                    
                                                            
49968 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Albin Chaplin   3024-0486



There was a young artist named Bruce,                       
Who was renowned for being obtuse.                          
He painted his head                                         
A dark crimson red                                          
And his testicles purple and puce.                          
                                                            
49969 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Lims For Year - 01       



A honeymooning radiologist named Clarke,                    
Thought radiation safety a lark.                            
To his virgin bride's delight,                              
She had no problems that night,                             
Finding his glowing cock in the dark!                       
                                                            
49970 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Laurence Craft           



There once was a man named Bill Gower,                      
Who worked in a nuclear tower.                              
Girls thought it a lark;                                    
His dick glowed in the dark,                                
And he fucked with so damn much power.                      
                                                            
49971 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Laurence Craft           



His dick lay in peaceful quiescence.                        
He longed though for youthful tumescence.                   
An electric connection,                                     
Sparked a brilliant erection,                               
That shines with an awesome fluorescence.                   
                                                            
49972 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Bob Birch           P9809



A luscious, lewd negress named Zoe                          
Had hardened the prick of her beau.                         
She said, "Though it pinches,                               
I'll take all twelve inches.                                
Come on, Honey, slip me Ol' Black Joe!"                     
                                                            
49973 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                         G0498



There was a young fellow from Stockholm                     
Who was cursed with an imperfect genome.                    
While his pecker's mutation                                 
Meant great elongation,                                     
It was plaid and shaped like a gnome.                       
                                                            
49974 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Robert Elliot            



There once was a limerist, Puff Adder,                      
Whose trouser snake one day grew fatter.                    
And then he took notice                                     
That there on his scrotus,                                  
Strange patches appeared on his matter.                     
                                                            
49975 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



It turned such a strange color purple                       
That he went to see old Doc Urple.                          
Who said simply "Puff,                                      
Don't play with your stuff,                                 
After mashing up grapes like a twerp'll!                    
                                                            
49976 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



So Puff took his leave from AJL                             
For it caused his 'passions' to swell.                      
But now he's returned,                                      
Because he has learned                                      
That a purple mast suits him quite well.                    
                                                            
49977 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



Oh lover, my metal is rusting;                              
It's missing its regular dusting.                           
Please polish my knob                                       
And do a good job;                                          
Make it lustrously lusty for thrusting.                     
                                                            
49978 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Peter Wilkins            



Your blood has all gone to your head;                       
A great problem that you should dread.                      
Makes your thinking stop:                                   
Not your head up on top --                                  
The SMALL one -- it's all stiff and red!                    
                                                            
49979 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



There was a toolmaker named Jack                            
Whose tool had an uncommon knack.                           
He could fit each and all,                                  
Whether large, short or tall,                               
And change color to suit white or black.                    
                                                            
49980 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED     Albin Chaplin            



She offered me sex, thought I'd try it,                     
I stripped off, and then saw her eye it.                    
"Look at the state                                          
Of your body," said Kate,                                   
"I think really you ought to diet."                         
                                                            
49981 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



You'll realise that this made me dolor-                     
ous, then she snapped with her polar-                       
oid.  "Now you go take                                      
A look." Thus she spake.                                    
"OK dear," said I, "But what color?"                        
                                                            
49982 PENES - IMPROVED - COLORED                              



There's a cafe frequented by teens,                         
Where the waiters wear very tight jeans.                    
With an awfully large bulge,                                
Which when asked, they'll divulge,                          
Is in fact, a few tins of baked beans.                      
                                                            
49983 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Bill Wall                



While sucking my cock, my wife sneezed;                     
Believe it or not, I was pleased.                           
And she's quite elated,                                     
'Cause it was inflated,                                     
And now it hangs down to my knees.                          
                                                            
49984 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Mike M             TP9802



A perverted young fellow named Steve                        
Spent lots of time on his knees.                            
One day he got sick                                         
And blew up a dick...                                       
While sucking, he suddenly sneezed!                         
                                                            
49985 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Wildman            TP9802



A crafty old boy was named Dick                             
Dipped his waxen tool ever so thick.                        
He's a candlestick maker                                    
But he couldn't fake her,                                   
For she knew the size of his wick.                          
                                                            
49986 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Gibbon the Troubadour    



Electrical wizard, Tess Tarjer,                             
Connected my dick to a charger                              
In order to shock it,                                       
But, fast as a rocket,                                      
My twelve-incher grew three times larger!                   
                                                            
49987 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED                             



And so, gentle reader and friend --                         
As girls say when they watch it distend,                    
Slowly shifting their grip                                  
From the root to the tip --                                 
At last we have come to the end.                            
                                                            
49988 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Isaac Asimov             



He measured his willy, did Cliff. He                        
Was 3 inches long and thought if he                         
Were 4 inches bigger,                                       
Then no-one would snigger,                                  
When holding and stroking his stiffy.                       
                                                            
49989 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Jim Weaver Collection    



He went to a shop out of town,                              
Where he furtively looked with a frown,                     
At the range of devices                                     
For solitary vices,                                         
In flesh-colored tinges of brown.                           
                                                            
49990 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



Artificial synthetic vagin-                                 
as at 44 dollars were fine;                                 
And vibrators the size                                      
Of which watered his eyes;                                  
And dear "Karen" who sounded divine.                        
                                                            
49991 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



With her "apertures ever invit-                             
ing" and panties designed to excite,                        
He chose from those toys                                    
Designed only for boys,                                     
An enlargement device for his plight.                       
                                                            
49992 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



With embarrassment turning him red,                         
He paid 22 dollars and fled,                                
With his toy and a mag                                      
In a brown paper bag,                                       
To his house where he lay on the bed.                       
                                                            
49993 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



With excitement arising inside,                             
He misread the instructions supplied;                       
The device he misused,                                      
'Til his willy refused                                      
To relax and completely subside.                            
                                                            
49994 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



For he pumped all the air in a trice,                       
From his vacuum enlargement device.                         
Now he's thoroughly stuck;                                  
He can't pee; he can't fuck;                                
And can't practice his favorite vice.                       
                                                            
49995 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



Let Cliff be a lesson to you;                               
Read the manual before you screw.                           
If you can't wait,                                          
Then don't hesitate,                                        
But forwarned is forarmed, as you knew.                     
                                                            
49996 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Karen                    



A man with such vim and vigor,                              
Needs just a touch to get bigger.                           
A gentle caress,                                            
Done with finesse,                                          
Is all it takes to pull your trigger.                       
                                                            
49997 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED                             



A God-fearing man they called Jeeter,                       
Had tattooed on his prick the completer                     
Bible; so small                                             
You could not read at all.                                  
Till he rubbed the Epistles of Peter.                       
                                                            
49998 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Knotweed                 



He'd read scripture on any occasion.                        
(How he learned at the hands of frication!)                 
But his self-study ended                                    
When bad news portended;                                    
'Twas the day that he grasped Revelation.                   
                                                            
49999 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Knotweed                 



So he tutored in Biblical facts.                            
A young lass, teaching that which she lacked,               
And her work was the sort                                   
Done by oral report --                                      
Till the day they were caught in the Acts.                  
                                                            
50000 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Knotweed                 



It's been years, and he still seldom budges;                
And self-studies, which no one begrudges.                   
While he sits in his cell,                                  
His Old Testament swells;                                   
Now he abrades at the law of the Judges.                    
                                                            
50001 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Knotweek                 



In comparative sizing arenas,                               
My brain tends to outscore my penis.                        
But as each of them swells,                                 
It's the schwanz that excels;                               
If it please you, we'll keep it between us.                 
                                                            
50002 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Steve Anderson           



Though mine is not three foot of stuff,                     
Upon which you lovingly puff,                               
I'm sure it will do                                         
All that you want it to;                                    
You're muff says his length's just enough.                  
                                                            
50003 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED                             



Tom's ladyfriend's amorous cheering                         
Changed quickly to hissing and jeering.                     
"You have lengthened your cock                              
With a tackle and block--                                   
That's not love, it is mere engineering.                    
                                                            
50004 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Norm Storer              



Pistolino is just a small hose,                             
But when my sweet darling then blows,                       
It remembers it's duty;                                     
To serve my dear cutie;                                     
Like Pinocchio's nose then it grows.                        
                                                            
50005 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Dirruk                   



If you're studying natural science,                         
I suggest that you wear this appliance.                     
You strap it on, thus,                                      
Then just hop on a bus.                                     
You'll find you get masses of clients.                      
                                                            
50006 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Bill Wall                



I know what I want for my present!                          
A penis enlarger and crescent.                              
With no ifs, ands, or buts,                                 
I'd tighten my nuts,                                        
With a penis size bigger than pleasant.                     
                                                            
50007 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    CyberCelt           T9712



The choice of a Jovian king                                 
Is determined by the size of his ding.                      
Unscrupulous lechers                                        
Use pecker-stretchers,                                      
And pumps to inflate their thing.                           
                                                            
50008 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED                        G2608



Mr. Hyde said, "My pleasure increased                       
Since I first soaked my penis in yeast.                     
It's fun and surprising                                     
To see myself rising                                        
Each morn like a lecherous beast."                          
                                                            
50009 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    S. D. Bismark            



Get rid of those size apprehensions                         
And banish all sexual tensions.                             
Begin life anew                                             
By taming your shrew,                                       
With SFA's phallic extensions.                              
                                                            
50010 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Anon                     



The young man's new penis dilator                           
Was bought with the hope he could sate her.                 
But when tested in action,                                  
Her dissatisfaction                                         
Proved a serious satyr deflater!                            
                                                            
50011 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Bill Talmadge       P9709



I gave up my job, no regret,                                
For the lure of the Hollywood set,                          
When I met a Producer                                       
(One day I'll seduce her)                                   
Who said, "You're an actor, I bet."                         
                                                            
50012 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



The Casting Director said "Start."                          
So I saw the Director of Art,                               
Who said, "Didn't they mention                              
The penile extension                                        
You'll need if you're taking this part?"                    
                                                            
50013 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



I said "No, but I'm quite well endowed;                     
Of the size of my pecker, I'm proud."                       
But he said, "In the clinches                               
You'll need thirteen inches                                 
To make you stand out from the crowd."                      
                                                            
50014 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



I said, "If I give it a tweak                               
And I masturbate four times a week,                         
Do you think it will grow?"                                 
The Director said "No,                                      
'Cause the chance of improvement is bleak."                 
                                                            
50015 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



I thought to myself for a while,                            
Then agreed I would give it a trial.                        
So without further urgin',                                  
I went to the surgeon,                                      
Who gave me a wink and a smile.                             
                                                            
50016 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



"I think you'll need more than an inch,                     
Maybe seven or eight at a pinch."                           
Said the surgeon with glee                                  
As he fondled my knee,                                      
And assured me the op was a cinch.                          
                                                            
50017 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



So under the scalpel I went,                                
Having given the surgeon consent.                           
With a poke and a prod,                                     
He inserted a rod                                           
And then dipped the whole lot in cement.                    
                                                            
50018 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



And when I awoke to inspect                                 
The result and the general effect,                          
I was shocked to the core;                                  
It was six inches more                                      
Than the length I was led to expect.                        
                                                            
50019 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



In a state of priapic distension,                           
I said, "This excessive dimension                           
Is over the top.                                            
How the Hell do I stop                                      
This incredible sexual tension?"                            
                                                            
50020 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



Dear Boy," said the surgeon, "You need                      
All those inches I gave you. Indeed,                        
In the cinema arts,                                         
You will need bigger parts,                                 
If you seriously want to succeed."                          
                                                            
50021 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



By strapping my dick to my thigh,                           
I succeeded in zipping my fly.                              
Then I staggered about                                      
Till I found a way out,                                     
And I wished him farewell and goobye.                       
                                                            
50022 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



I passed the audition with ease.                            
(The Producer just gave it a squeeze.)                      
The Director of Art                                         
Said, "I'd like you to start                                
At a quarter to nine, if you please."                       
                                                            
50023 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



I performed with Loretta and Alice,                         
(Two hookers from Houston and Dallas)                       
Who opened their thighs                                     
And their eyes in surprise                                  
At the size and the rise of my phallus.                     
                                                            
50024 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



But half way through filming that night,                    
The Director said, "Cut and re-write!                       
And he told me to go.                                       
I said "Why?"  He said "Joe,                                
It's your dick!  It's reflecting the light!"                
                                                            
50025 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Peter Wilkins            



A moral young man of Belize                                 
Tried for fourteen long years to devise                     
A conditioned reflex                                        
That did not involve sex,                                   
Yet would make his prick triple in size.                    
                                                            
50026 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Isaac Asimov             



She thought I was one of those sorts,                       
A sailor who docks in all ports.                            
But to her disdain,                                         
I had to explain                                            
'Twas bubbles inflating my shorts.                          
                                                            
50027 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    SFA                      



But that's what ballooned out the back                      
Of your pants and took up the slack.                        
She held you in awe                                         
Until by chance, she saw                                    
The bulge in the front that you lack.                       
                                                            
50028 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Marlene Lewis            



There once was a guy from Kilkenny                          
Who had gone a long time without any,                       
Till he added dimension                                     
With a penile extension,                                    
From Ronco(r) and now he gets plenty.                       
                                                            
50029 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED                             



Get rid of those size apprensions                           
And banish all sexual tensions.                             
Begin life anew                                             
By taming your shrew,                                       
With SFA's phallic extensions.                              
                                                            
50030 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    SFA                      



So phallic extensions, you say?                             
Extended the natural way?                                   
Or do you mean wrap-ons                                     
Like foam rubber strap-ons?                                 
Please explain before I outlay.                             
                                                            
50031 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Sister Christina         



No, these are the real McCoy;                               
They guarantee very deep joy.                               
One customer found                                          
An extra half pound;                                        
Turned her from a girl to a boy.                            
                                                            
50032 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    SFA                      



A groom from the County of Devon                            
Ate raw yeast which started to leaven.                      
His modest sized prick                                      
Grew enormously thick,                                      
While his bride measured inches, eleven!                    
                                                            
50033 PENES - IMPROVED - ENLARGED    Tutta Gioia              



Fellatio wanted her boss;                                   
She dared not to make the man cross.                        
To hide her distaste,                                       
She did it in haste,                                        
And dipped it in barbecue sauce                             
                                                            
50034 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



An inventive young lad from Kircudbright (Kercoobry)        
Spread blackberry jam on his doobry.                        
Said his girl "When extended                                
It really looks splendid,                                   
But it tastes rather better with blueberry!"                
                                                            
50035 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    George C.                



The Ogg couple likes ketchup hot,                           
They put it on all that they've got.                        
Says Erm, "Some Delmonte                                    
On Tiddy's full Monty                                       
Add spice to his crispy old knot."                          
                                                            
50036 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Travis Brasell           



"To flavor our sexual stunts,"                              
Says Tiddy, "We also use Hunts,                             
Because it's so thick,                                      
It lasts when I lick                                        
Both Ermintrude and my sheeps' cunts."                      
                                                            
50037 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Travis Brasell           



There was a young man from Tokay,                           
Whose dick had a lovely bouquet.                            
According to Nell,                                          
Who knows him quite well,                                   
It's just like a chocolate chip couquet.                    
                                                            
50038 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED                             



There was a young pervert named Hicks,                      
Who pounded his penis with bricks;                          
A fellow named Utne                                         
Dipped his in hot chutney                                   
(The things today's youth do for kicks!).                   
                                                            
50039 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Armand E Singer       945



A limericking mister named Rusty                            
Will never let his pole get dusty.                          
He dips it in dew                                           
(I heard that it's true)                                    
To not have it smell at all musty.                          
                                                            
50040 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED                             



Along came a femaler lim-                                   
Er with a heavily fragranted quim.                          
Said "Dear Mr Smif,                                         
May I take a whiff?                                         
'Twill give me some vigor and vim!"                         
                                                            
50041 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED                             



No, I will not dip my wick                                  
In tabasco; it won't do the trick.                          
Will you please keep that chilli                            
Away from my willy;                                         
The thought of it's making me sick.                         
                                                            
50042 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a fellow from Boston,                           
Who covered his pecker with frostin'.                       
When the whore took a lick                                  
From the end of his dick,                                   
He wondered how much is was costin'.                        
                                                            
50043 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Mike Hunter              



Your todger is sweet -- that is true,                       
But I won't cut my prices for you.                          
I cannot deduct                                             
On a lick or a suck                                         
Just because it's all covered with goo.                     
                                                            
50044 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Mike Hunter              



There was a young master from Kent                          
Whose dick had a heavenly scent.                            
For the musk, girls would rub it;                           
Then they would snub it,                                    
And run off with a spanking new gent.                       
                                                            
50045 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED                             



So when I've recovered enough                               
From the mustard and other hot stuff,                       
(Since you asked for dessert)                               
I intend to insert                                          
What is left of my wurst in your muff.                      
                                                            
50046 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Jim Weaver Collection    



The rapist began to luxuriate                               
In the trial, though it seemed to infuriate                 
Both the lawyer and judge,                                  
But his prick was pure fudge.                               
Can you guess, little girl, what the jury ate?              
                                                            
50047 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED                        G2407



An Imam in old Istanbul                                     
Said, "Really, I'm nobody's fool.                           
I pray five times daily,                                    
Give alms almost gaily,                                     
And slather hot myrrh on my tool.                           
                                                            
50048 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Norm Storer         P9606



A frustrated fairy named Barret                             
Has a whang that resembles a carrot;                        
To enhance its appeal                                       
As a phallical meal,                                        
He must frequently soak it in claret.                       
                                                            
50049 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Norm Storer              



There once was a man in Manila                              
Who lived with five girls in a villa.                       
When they went to bed,                                      
They loved giving head,                                     
'Cause he'd soak it all day in vanilla.                     
                                                            
50050 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Richard Long             



Mine has it's flavor unique;                                
Want to see it? Come on, take a peek.                       
I guarantee                                                 
It's all yours for free.                                    
Be careful 'cause sometimes it'll leak.                     
                                                            
50051 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED                             



A drunken old boozer named Dick                             
Once drank till he pickled his prick.                       
His friends cannot wait,                                    
Their fervor to sate,                                       
Because they get high when they trick.                      
                                                            
50052 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



At stroke twenty-two, he let her,                           
And it stood much taller and wetter.                        
With some soda applied                                      
To the tip, and each side,                                  
For with Coke, such things always go better!                
                                                            
50053 PENES - IMPROVED - FLAVORED    Rowdy Jack               



A farmer named Peter O'Pardon                               
Got his creaky old boner to harden,                         
Then he chased away crows,                                  
While he ran through the rows,                              
As he waved it about in his garden.                         
                                                            
50054 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Cap'n Bean          P0309



There was a young fellow called Merkin,                     
Who for an embalmer was working.                            
He injected his pride                                       
With formaldehyde,                                          
So preserving his gherkin for jerkin'.                      
                                                            
50055 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Prof                     



An impotent prisoner named Dow                              
Got a penile implant somehow.                               
This brand new prosthesis,                                  
It pumps and it squeezes;                                   
He's a mean, hardened criminal now.                         
                                                            
50056 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Thomas Patton       P9601



There once was a fellow named Peel                          
Whose penis was made out of steel;                          
As a truly stiff cock,                                      
It was hard as a rock,                                      
And provided enormous appeal.                               
                                                            
50057 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Cap'n Bean          P0103



To the aid of those impotent rummies,                       
Whose tools dangle under their tummies,                     
Came a genius named Gardner                                 
Who devised such a hardener,                                
It erects even long-deceased mummies.                       
                                                            
50058 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                        G0438



To Lourdes went a fellow named Jock;                        
He was dying of cancer and shock.                           
There the sweet Virgin Mary                                 
Cured his problems contrary,                                
So he asked for a bone in his cock.                         
                                                            
50059 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Albin Chaplin            



My percy still hangs here intact;                           
It's really not hanging, in fact.                           
Something's begun;                                          
It points up to the sun;                                    
It must have been stroking it lacked!                       
                                                            
50060 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                             



Whenever my digit is flagging,                              
And down to my ankles it's dragging,                        
I think a wee thought o'                                    
My neighbour's young daughter,                              
And (wow man!) it's ready for shagging.                     
                                                            
50061 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                             



There once was this guy in North Pismo,                     
Who could not rely on his gizmo.                            
At last tried an implant--                                  
And now with his new slant,                                 
The Tall Girls line up for a dismo.                         
                                                            
50062 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Griffa Barret            



There once was a farmgirl named Mabel                       
Who at milking was not very able.                           
To get over her fright                                      
She'd practice at night                                     
With peckers under the table.                               
                                                            
50063 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Asher                    



It's hangin' straight off to the right;                     
That's how I've been sleeping all night.                    
Since I hit my forties                                      
This damn rigor mortis                                      
Has made all my women take flight.                          
                                                            
50064 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                             



It's rumors, then, what I had heard --                      
You're with rigor mortis preferred                          
By all of the chicks,                                       
Who like those stiff dicks.                                 
'Cause you send 'em soaring like birds?                     
                                                            
50065 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                             



Been talkin' to someone I know --                           
Who gave an account, blow-by-blow.                          
Yes, my claim to fame                                       
Was making some dame,                                       
This country's first migrating crow.                        
                                                            
50066 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    SFA                      



Your underwear, that would be right.                        
I hear that you wear them so tight,                         
There's plenty of room                                      
To float, soar, and zoom,                                   
And you never put up a fight.                               
                                                            
50067 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Marlene Lewis            



If you whisper the right words lightly,                     
My jeans will bunch up now so tightly                       
Around my big pole                                          
In search of a hole;                                        
That's feminine-pink to excite me.                          
                                                            
50068 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                             



An impotent fellow named Condrey                            
Sent his flabby old cock to the laundry.                    
They returned it in March,                                  
Straight and stiffened with starch;                         
How to wear his pants now is his quandary.                  
                                                            
50069 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                        G0298



There once was a mason named Brent --                       
Had a boner wherever he went.                               
It was hardened you see,                                    
From his drinking of tea,                                   
Which he brewed with a dash of cement.                      
                                                            
50070 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Cap'n Bean               



I've velcroed my splints back in place                      
They're gray ones that match, in this case.                 
I now have one spare                                        
And thought I would share --                                
Who else needs a cock-up type brace?                        
                                                            
50071 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED                             



An impotent old man named McCondrey                         
Sent his limber old thing to the laundry.                   
They returned it with starch;                               
Man, now he can march...                                    
But how to wear pants is a quandary!                        
                                                            
50072 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Grand Prix Lim  271      



There was an old person of Cromer,                          
Who stood on one leg to read Homer.                         
When he found it grew stiff,                                
He said, "Oh what if                                        
I could get it to work on my boner!"                        
                                                            
50073 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    Edwardian Leer 071  P9306



What hardens the place where you piddle?                    
Allow me some tries at this riddle:                         
Hemmorhoidal red ass?                                       
Corpse bloated with gas?                                    
A cactus plant right up the middle?                         
                                                            
50074 PENES - IMPROVED - HARDENED    John Miller              



There was a young fellow named Schwartz                     
Who was hounded by girls of all sorts.                      
He tickled them good                                        
(Like no other brand could)                                 
For his penis was studded with warts.                       
                                                            
50075 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Albin Chaplin 3024  G0446



An inquisitive lady named Milly                             
Said, "Do all men shake dew off their lily?"                
She asked this of Joe                                       
Who answered, "Hell no!                                     
King Midas did not. Don't be silly."                        
                                                            
50076 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Michael Weinstein   P8606



"I'll lose all these crabs," said young Smirnoff,           
"With friction; I'm sure they will burn off."               
He covered his gland                                        
With glue and rough sand,                                   
But girlies all found it a turn off.                        
                                                            
50077 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Tiddy Ogg                



Remember that man from Nantucket?                           
He saved all his change in a bucket                         
Then bought a machine                                       
To keep his tool clean                                      
But sometimes he still likes to suck it!                    
                                                            
50078 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Jim Weaver Collection    



It can be so terribly sad                                   
When splinters from wood can be had.                        
I recommmend some sandpaper                                 
To smoothen your taper,                                     
Then it would not be so bad.                                
                                                            
50079 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Petunia                  



Now there's an idea not bad;                                
I stroked with sandpaper I had.                             
With sandpaper trimmin'                                     
You never need women,                                       
But it does get smaller -- EGAD!                            
                                                            
50080 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Frank Fazed              



It sounds like an interesting caper;                        
You would be a clever wood shaper.                          
You could shape it to fit                                   
But don't abuse it...                                       
I beg you, don't use the sandpaper.                         
                                                            
50081 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Petunia                  



I'm sorry and I did not mean it,                            
When I said "Your cock's sized like a peanut!"              
And right now I figure                                      
I can make it bigger,                                       
If you'll only let me Vaseline it.                          
                                                            
50082 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Ward Hardman             



A chef in New York name of Davey,                           
Covered his penis in gravy.                                 
But when the stuff dried,                                   
He was fit to be tied.                                      
'Cause now when he's hard the thing's wavy.                 
                                                            
50083 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE                              



You may think this a terrible plight.                       
But let me say this, you're not right.                      
Cause a dick that is wavey                                  
From dried-on brown gravy,                                  
Gives women some extra delight.                             
                                                            
50084 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE                              



You can shake, you can jiggle, or dance,                    
But the last drop will moisten your pants,                  
Unless you use tissue                                       
Of whatever issue,                                          
To wipe off the end of your lance.                          
                                                            
50085 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow of Crete                           
Whose ways were exceedingly neat.                           
He'd the daintiest trick                                    
Of wiping his prick,                                        
And the ladies all murmured, "How sweet!"                   
                                                            
50086 PENES - IMPROVED - SURFACE     Isaac Asimov             



There was a young fellow named Breed,                       
Who paid to his prick little heed.                          
Though not overly small                                     
Nor monstrous withal,                                       
It served him well when there was need.                     
                                                            
50087 PENES - JUDGED                 A. N. Wilkins       P8601



"I have the world's biggest tool,"                          
Boasted Dick, making sweet April drool.                     
But then he undressed--                                     
'Twas a calendar jest;                                      
He'd just made, of sweet April, a fool!                     
                                                            
50088 PENES - JUDGED                 CB                       



My bald friend wears a turtleneck                           
And comes out when he wants to feck.                        
In my trousers you'll find 'im;                             
An asshole's behind 'im.                                    
A quandry to which he shrugs, "What the heck!"              
                                                            
50089 PENES - JUDGED                                          



The banana that has the appeal                              
Is not yellow or green, you schiemiel!                      
It's the purplish-pink kind --                              
The grow-and-then-shrink kind --                            
Not so much for its taste as its feel.                      
                                                            
50090 PENES - JUDGED                 Robin K. Willoughby P8505



Shy lady, I'd never unveil                                  
The thing that marks me a male;                             
I consign to perdition                                      
Any gross exhibition;                                       
I much prefer readings in braille!                          
                                                            
50091 PENES - JUDGED                                          



You see, in our chorus line,                                
We're aiming for aesthetic design.                          
So the size and the shape                                   
And the length and the drape,                               
Are factors we have to align.                               
                                                            
50092 PENES - JUDGED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Another young lady from Leicester                           
Invented a cock-hardness tester.                            
And with this device,                                       
She'd judge which were nice,                                
And then let those fellows molest her.                      
                                                            
50093 PENES - JUDGED                 Tiddy                    



A hooker I happened to seek,                                
When asked of her prices, did speak:                        
"A dollar an inch."                                         
The price made me flinch,                                   
As I hadn't been paid in a week.                            
                                                            
50094 PENES - JUDGED                 Irish                    



I looked in my wallet and spied                             
A lone dollar bill and I cried.                             
"I've only a buck                                           
To buy a good fuck."                                        
She agreed but to one inch inside.                          
                                                            
50095 PENES - JUDGED                 lilsil2                  



I nodded, and not to be crass,                              
We commenced in to fuck on the grass.                       
When along came this guy                                    
His own luck to try,                                        
And accidentally steps on my ass.                           
                                                            
50096 PENES - JUDGED                 lilsil2                  



Till then I was doing just fine,                            
But this joker was no friend of mine.                       
Though I don't mean to brag,                                
After fucking this skag,                                    
My bill came to nine, ninety-nine.                          
                                                            
50097 PENES - JUDGED                 lilsil2                  



So tell us, does size really matter?                        
Would you rather it longer, or fatter?                      
You know one size fits all                                  
When you're having a ball,                                  
So enjoy what I have, and be gladder.                       
                                                            
50098 PENES - JUDGED                 Younger Brother          



A daring young doctor named Edison,                         
Decided old standards to jettison.                          
He measured men's tools                                     
By linguistical rules,                                      
And established new canons of medicine.                     
(canon - general rule)                                      
50099 PENES - JUDGED                                     G0321



So tell us, does size really matter?                        
It might if erect on a ladder.                              
Should you happen to cough,                                 
It could push you right off,                                
And your manhood could very well shatter!                   
                                                            
50100 PENES - JUDGED                 Doug from Upland    T9707



Remarked a hot dolly named Jewel,                           
"What I want is a real fuckin' fool!                        
A big-muscled boy                                           
Is a visual joy,                                            
But I want the fool with the tool!"                         
                                                            
50101 PENES - JUDGED                                     G0370



There is an old virgin named Peaches                        
Who's fearless in all that she preaches;                    
In church and in school,                                    
The masculine tool                                          
Gets what for in each of her speeches.                      
                                                            
50102 PENES - JUDGED                 Armand E Singer       438



There was a professor named Straw                           
Who gave all his tests in the raw.                          
Already neurotic,                                           
He waxed psychotic,                                         
When students graded "F" what they saw!                     
                                                            
50103 PENES - JUDGED                                          



A hermit out west of Ayer's Rock                            
Was famed for the hue of his cock.                          
People came in all weathers                                 
To see its blue feathers.                                   
It died of the roup, or a shock.                            
(roup - hoarse shouting)                                    
50104 PENES - JUDGED                 Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



I doubt that Mahatma Gandhi                                 
Had a dong one could call "a dandy."                        
But I'll bet it felt neat                                   
Beneath that loose sheet,                                   
And for taking a leak, was quite handy.                     
                                                            
50105 PENES - JUDGED                 Ann Gasser          P9003



It's a popular pastime of late                              
To name pricks after some head of state.                    
There's John Major (for cute pricks)                        
And Old Castro (hirsute pricks).                            
My own, I call Peter the Great.                             
(Sitting Bull if its red, Adolf if it's dead)               
50106 PENES - JUDGED                 Michael W.          P9503



F.D.R. for the limp, Hindenburg for a blimp,                
A Solomon's wise, while a Clinton just lies,                
After rough rides, a Teddy, Turns Benito (spaghetti),       
A Kennedy's thick, A Nixon is slick,                        
If it's regal and classy, It's a Haile Selassie.            
                                                            
50107 PENES - JUDGED                 Michael W.               



You want to know what size my knob's;                       
I think that you're all penile snobs.                       
It's not what you've got,                                   
You foolish young twat,                                     
It just how you use it on jobs.                             
                                                            
50108 PENES - JUDGED                 Archie                   



Now that we all agree,                                      
There's one small favour we need.                           
We want you to measure                                      
Your wands of pleasure,                                     
And report your numbers back to me.                         
                                                            
50109 PENES - JUDGED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



My thoughts have now turned to a few                        
Years past, when pretty young shrew                         
Took hold of my cock                                        
While guarding the flock,                                   
And bellowed, "You're hung to the ewe!"                     
                                                            
50110 PENES - JUDGED                                          



I've told you again and again,                              
Most women find it a pain.                                  
A beautiful sight --                                        
But night after night,                                      
Sex is an act of the brain.                                 
                                                            
50111 PENES - JUDGED                 H WHELCHEL               



The debate which concerned the new hobbyist                 
Was on which animal penis was knobbiest.                    
When caught in this study,                                  
His face turned quite ruddy:                                
"It's not for my work, I'm a lobbyist!"                     
                                                            
50112 PENES - JUDGED                 Actaeon                  



When a man brags he's hung like a giraffe,                  
Well then, girls, it's considered a gaffe,                  
If you eagerly glance                                       
At his meagerly lance,                                      
And then let loose a gut-wrenching laugh!                   
                                                            
50113 PENES - JUDGED                 Observer                 



The rumors of my genital size                               
Are baseless, untrue and crass lies.                        
To end this odd strife,                                     
Just look at my wife,                                       
And the sparkling light in her eyes.                        
                                                            
50114 PENES - JUDGED                 Tim Main                 



It's true that this sparkle contends                        
With these claims, but it really depends--                  
Credits where credit's due,                                 
Is the sparkle from you,                                    
Or the postman and several close friends?                   
                                                            
50115 PENES - JUDGED                 Richard Lancashire       



Just whenever I hear a guy say                              
"Why's it girls have legs?" my mind will stray              
To another old joke                                         
"Why's a dong on a bloke?                                   
It's a handle to throw him away."                           
                                                            
50116 PENES - JUDGED                 Ulla                     



Perhaps this explains an old term                           
About using her hand to get sperm                           
Out of someone's dick,                                      
When of fucking she's sick;                                 
displayg-off" 'stead of "Holding the worm."                 
                                                            
50117 PENES - JUDGED                 Gearhart                 



I only state women will deride                              
The body part most men hide                                 
In their pants,                                             
Because at a glance,                                        
Can't tell if it's long or it's wide.                       
                                                            
50118 PENES - JUDGED                 Marlene Lewis            



Basicly three types I've seen:                              
(1) a dong like a long skinny bean,                         
(2) a dick short and stout;                                 
Don't leave number (3) out:                                 
Thick and long, seldom found, rarely seen.                  
                                                            
50119 PENES - JUDGED                                          



The subject you guessed is a rocket,                        
Not engines or wheels or a sprocket,                        
But that mighty missile                                     
That is mostly gristle;                                     
The kind that we feel from our pocket.                      
                                                            
50120 PENES - JUDGED                                          



There was a young bloke from Australia,                     
Whose willy smelt just like a dahlia;                       
So fragrant a bloom,                                        
It freshened the room,                                      
But his sex life was just complete failure!                 
                                                            
50121 PENES - JUDGED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



It stands stiff when there's no one to stick                
Or to lovingly give it a lick                               
And then when she's itchy                                   
It's soft and untwitchy--                                   
Small wonder they call it a prick.                          
                                                            
50122 PENES - JUDGED                 Bob Giandomenico    P9307



There was a young lass from Ashtabula                       
Who spent a night in the village cooler                     
For betting a Judge                                         
A half pound of fudge                                       
Twice his length wouldn't cover a ruler.                    
                                                            
50123 PENES - JUDGED                                     G0240



While we are speaking of a jewel,                           
Remember the general rule:                                  
It's the workman's skill                                    
That gives her the thrill,                                  
And not just the size of his tool!                          
                                                            
50124 PENES - JUDGED                 Kaylin                   



A well-bred young girl of Gomorrah                          
Would never let any man bore her:                           
Neither back nor in front,     (She thought it lewd)        
Not in mouth nor in cunt,      (The way men screwed,)       
And she viewed their stiff pricks with horror.              
                                                            
50125 PENES - JUDGED                                     G1558



Said a professional gal from Manhattan:                     
""Concerning this business of cattin',                      
If I had my picks                                           
Of the world's finest pricks,                               
I'd take neither this'n nor that'n.                         
                                                            
50126 PENES - JUDGED                                     G1832



Your Peter, I think's, oversexed;                           
So his absence leaves you sorely vexed.                     
But I think you'd feel fine                                 
If you'd substitute mine,                                   
'Cause one Peter's much like the next.                      
                                                            
50127 PENES - JUDGED                                          



There once was a girl named Ludmilla,                       
Who had an affair with a driller.                           
At the sight of his oil,                                    
It would make her blood boil,                               
For only his bit could fulfill her.                         
                                                            
50128 PENES - JUDGED                 Graham Miles             



I bragged of its size as I drank;                           
This tool, this whang, this shank.                          
But my sweetie, named Beulah,                               
Pulled out a long ruler,                                    
But just at that moment, I shrank!                          
                                                            
50129 PENES - JUDGED                 Al Willis           T9707



Royalty's perks aren't all silly.                           
But some think it's gilding the lilly,                      
When they line up the studs                                 
Who pull out their puds                                     
And each Princess may then Piccadilly.                      
                                                            
50130 PENES - JUDGED                 Theo Heller         P9212



Embarrassed I am of my weakness,                            
Of my pitiful wimpy-assed geekness.                         
Even so, I must brag,                                       
If my dick were a nag,                                      
'Twould be 'Pole Position' at Preakness.                    
                                                            
50131 PENES - JUDGED                 John Chastaine           



Said a cynical doxy named Wimple,                           
"To classify clients is simple.                             
You can tell at a glance                                    
When he pulls off his pants,                                
If a man's got a prick, or a pimple."                       
                                                            
50132 PENES - JUDGED                                     G0490



"I think that my boyfriend from Limerick,                   
On the whole had a longer and slimmer wick.                 
But yours, dear, is thicker,                                
And slick past the knicker--                                
As a sticker far quicker and trimmer, Dick."                
                                                            
50133 PENES - JUDGED                                     G2706



A penis, if given the chance,                               
In the constant search for romance,                         
His master's career                                         
Would be ruined, I fear,                                    
If he lived in the president's pants.                       
                                                            
50134 PENES - JUDGED                 Phil T                   



While approaching Runway-22.                                
The pilot announced to the crew,                            
Better hold tight --                                        
"It's a short one, all right!"                              
Said the stewardess, "Widest one too!"                      
                                                            
50135 PENES - JUDGED                 Friar               T9801



A sailor, with girls in each dock,                          
Continuously saw to his flock;                              
They awaited his call,                                      
Because one and all                                         
Knew his was the best shuttle cock.                         
                                                            
50136 PENES - JUDGED                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P8308



We know you're in love with your dick,                      
And we've heard that it's long and it's thick.              
But bloody hell, son,                                       
The topic is done!                                          
I'm afraid we're all sick of your prick.                    
                                                            
50137 PENES - JUDGED                 Jason                    



"No need to get nervous, O'Toole.                           
I just wanted to measure your tool."                        
"When measuring software,                                   
A yardstick isn't fair.                                     
You should start with a small six-inch rule."               
                                                            
50138 PENES - JUDGED                 Al Willis           T9711



There once was a man, Richard Dick,                         
Who had a very small prick.                                 
He said, "Damn you eyes!                                    
This beast grows in size!"                                  
Who'd believe such ridiculous schtick?                      
                                                            
50139 PENES - JUDGED                 Marilyn                  



I asked him to demonstrate, please.                         
He said "I can prove it with ease.                          
Just lose your scanties;                                    
Get out of those panties,                                   
And I'll go get a tube of goose grease."                    
                                                            
50140 PENES - JUDGED                 Marilyn                  



I couldn't imagine what for,                                
Till he tripped and he fell on the floor.                   
His trousers popped open                                    
While I was agropin'                                        
To see if that cock had grown more.                         
                                                            
50141 PENES - JUDGED                 Marilyn                  



It still wasn't excessively large,                          
Nor up to its sexual charge.                                
He told me to hold it;                                      
Lovingly enfold it;                                         
And it grew quite as big as a barge!                        
                                                            
50142 PENES - JUDGED                 Marilyn                  



"So what do we do with it now?"                             
I asked with a big puzzled brow.                            
He said, "Now it's found                                    
I'll use it to pound                                        
That furrow I'm waiting to plow.                            
                                                            
50143 PENES - JUDGED                 Marilyn                  



So I kicked the fool out in fear,                           
If he thinks he can use it in here.                         
He's another think coming,                                  
Just take that thing slumming,                              
While I wait for that giant John Deere!                     
                                                            
50144 PENES - JUDGED                 Marilyn                  



As I get off with riding his tractor,                       
Consider the following factor:                              
It's not just the size                                      
Of what's 'twixt your thighs,                               
'Tis the power of your anatomic reactor!                    
                                                            
50145 PENES - JUDGED                 Marilyn                  



Ms. L. will you come over here?                             
I'll show you my mid-sized John Deere.                      
This novel fellow,                                          
(Green trimmed with yellow)                                 
Sure causes most ladies to leer.                            
                                                            
50146 PENES - JUDGED                 Frank Fazed              



A tractor? Why you'd not let me know?                       
I've a front and backyard to mow.                           
Could you come over                                         
And cut the clover?                                         
Midsized, that should be quite a beau!                      
                                                            
50147 PENES - JUDGED                 Petunia                  



My green John Deere tractor's for rent,                     
But if to your lawn it is sent,                             
There's nothing to gain                                     
As long as there's rain.                                    
You might have to put up a tent.                            
                                                            
50148 PENES - JUDGED                 Frank Fazed              



Petunia, you oversexed flower,                              
My tractor will not trim your bower.                        
'Twas in the tall grass                                     
That I ran out of gas.                                      
I think I'll just take a cold shower.                       
                                                            
50149 PENES - JUDGED                 Frank Fazed              



It's not that I wanted to run;                              
I'd sure like a bit of sex fun.                             
I looked through the glass,                                 
Thought, "I'll save my ass.                                 
That fellow is loading a gun."                              
                                                            
50150 PENES - JUDGED                 Frank Fazed              



The lady that dated young Mick                              
Was depressed by his shortness of stick.                    
But it grew to such size,                                   
That she screamed in surprise,                              
"Just look at the size of that P R I C K !"                 
                                                            
50151 PENES - JUDGED                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0544



There once was a young Kappa Sig,                           
Who excelled in statistics and trig.                        
With equations devised,                                     
Frat brothers were sized,                                   
Being scaled from real small to quite big.                  
                                                            
50152 PENES - JUDGED                 Bob Birch                



I once met this girl from Nantucket;                        
My rod from my pants she did pluck it.                      
With tears in her eyes,                                     
She said of its size,                                       
'Twould be like dangling string in a bucket.                
                                                            
50153 PENES - JUDGED                 Bob Hunt                 



Said the lady to all of her men,                            
"I've rated you all one to ten.                             
Not inches, but points,                                     
So the size of your joints                                  
Doesn't matter."  Oh really?  Since when?                   
                                                            
50154 PENES - JUDGED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The old crocidile sampled his tool                          
As he lay on his back in the pool.                          
And he spat and said, "My                                   
But I taste rather high.                                    
Am I flavored like this as a rule?"                         
                                                            
50155 PENES - JUDGED                 Grand Prix Lim  609 G0913



Unravelling Timothy's foreskin,                             
(An acre or two of yet more skin)                           
Young Debbie said, "Yuck;                                   
No I don't think we'll fuck,                                
But I thank you, dear Timmy, for orskin'."                  
                                                            
50156 PENES - JUDGED                 Peter Wilkins            



There once was a priest named O'Reilly,                     
Who had a penis he liked to call Smiley.                    
He said, "A smile is a frown                                
'Til you turn upside down."                                 
And the altar boys all agreed highly.                       
                                                            
50157 PENES - JUDGED                                          



A geezer rushes off to pee,                                 
Then unzips his fly just to see                             
A wrinkled old prune,                                       
That makes him near swoon...                                
"There's no way that belongs to me."                        
                                                            
50158 PENES - JUDGED                                          



The tool doesn't have to be big,                            
But it can't be as small as a twig.                         
But if it's a small one,                                    
Use fingers and tongue,                                     
And soon you'll be ready to frig.                           
                                                            
50159 PENES - JUDGED                 Arden                    



So when you put size to the test,                           
Though testing is truely a fest,                            
Size isn't all                                              
You need for your moll;                                     
It's all in who uses it best!                               
                                                            
50160 PENES - JUDGED                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A particular lulu named Lawler                              
Cried, "I like guys whose tassels are taller!"              
And so they won't fool her,                                 
She whips out her ruler                                     
To measure the rule of each caller.                         
                                                            
50161 PENES - JUDGED                 Grand Prix Lim  322      



Quoth the man with a miniscule dong,                        
"I never did anything wrong                                 
To deserve such a fate,                                     
Yet I know it's too late.                                   
Why can't we all just get a long?"                          
                                                            
50162 PENES - JUDGED                 Stiffy Joe          T9707



Mrs. Whitehouse, mixed bathing at Deal,                     
Emitted a loud piercing squeal.                             
It seems she had fingered                                   
A something that lingered,                                  
And certainly wasn't an eel.                                
(Mrs. Whitehouse - noted champion against sex and violence) 
50163 PENES - JUDGED                 T L McCarthy             



Just out of her wedding day white,                          
She peered at his inner thigh site.                         
She giggled, the meanie,                                    
Said, "Look at your weenie!"                                
And he didn't think that was right.                         
                                                            
50164 PENES - JUDGED                 Chris Bolivar            



"Dear, we're married and now we should say                  
Things in a more mature way.                                
It's better to pick                                         
A name such as "dick"                                       
When naming the thing you survey.                           
                                                            
50165 PENES - JUDGED                 Chris Bolivar            



I've done some things when I was poor,                      
And I have seen dicks by the score.                         
When out of their clothes,                                  
I've seen lots of those,                                    
But that is a weenie for sure.                              
                                                            
50166 PENES - JUDGED                 Chris Bolivar            



An erudite spinster named Frances,                          
Who delighted in ribald romances,                           
Resolved to find out                                        
Beyong physical doubt,                                      
What the point of the joke in men's pants is.               
                                                            
50167 PENES - JUDGED                                     G1554



Shan't brag 'bout the size of my rod,                       
Nor being a well endowed sod.                               
Suffice it to say                                           
When the gals come my way,                                  
They are saying "Amen" and "Oh God!"                        
                                                            
50168 PENES - LARGE                                           



Browsing near Papua, New Guinea,                            
I searched for one dick-tube from many.                     
The chief's bulging eyes                                    
Divulged his surprise --                                    
"Your club makes ours look like antennae!"                  
                                                            
50169 PENES - LARGE                                           



In Africa a young man, Abdul                                
Proved that he was nobody's fool.                           
Without diamonds or pearls,                                 
He'd attract all the girls;                                 
Just imagine the size of his tool!                          
                                                            
50170 PENES - LARGE                  Tom Patton               



There was a young man from Rangoon                          
Whose prick was much like a balloon.                        
He tried hard to ride her                                   
And when finally inside her,                                
She thought she was pregnant too soon.                      
                                                            
50171 PENES - LARGE                                      L0221



There once was this fellow MacAgis                          
Whose phallus resembled a haggis.                           
It was long, it was wide,                                   
So the lassies all hide;                                    
"We hope that he never will bag-us."                        
                                                            
50172 PENES - LARGE                  Little Potts        P8604



There was a young lady called Marge                         
Who liked men with features quite large.                    
Her long line of suitors                                    
Had whacking great hooters,                                 
Apart from a Monsieur Lafarge.                              
                                                            
50173 PENES - LARGE                  Michael Palin            



"Would I like some nookie?  Well, ra-ther!                  
Are you the Smith son or his father?                        
Any small whippersnapper                                    
I drop in the crapper,                                      
So unless you've nine inches, don't bother."                
                                                            
50174 PENES - LARGE                                      G0430



Jill spoke of her French lover Jaques;                      
Decried his anatomical lack.                                
Said her girl friend, "I hear ya;                           
Find a guy from Nigeria.                                    
They make them much bigger in black."                       
                                                            
50175 PENES - LARGE                  Parker Waterman     P0206



Whoever said size doesn't matter                            
Must be mad as the wonderous Mad Hatter.                    
There's no worse surprise                                   
Than a dick of no size;                                     
And leaner is not better than fatter.                       
                                                            
50176 PENES - LARGE                                           



In a whorehouse in Cunt Lane, Devizes,                      
They take on men's cocks of all sizes.                      
From one inch up to ten,                                    
It depends on your yen;                                     
For still bigger knobs, there's free prizes.                
                                                            
50177 PENES - LARGE                                      G1772



There was a young man named MacDougal                       
Whose cock was bell-shaped like a bugle.                    
Well adapted for pissing,                                   
'Twas delightful for kissing,                               
And for blissing that's known as conjugal.                  
                                                            
50178 PENES - LARGE                                      G0390



I hear that your thing is tremendous;                       
The very thought of it does over bend us                    
Right over a chair,                                         
With our ass in the air,                                    
To receive the Bolognus stupendous.                         
                                                            
50179 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



An Indian maid was elated                                   
To think that she soon would be mated!                      
She was asked how she knew                                  
That her brave's love was true.                             
Cried the maiden, "The buck is inflated!"                   
                                                            
50180 PENES - LARGE                                           



Herr General von und zum Hallus.                            
Had a caisson attached to his phallus,                      
And would ride into battle,                                 
With his brass balls a-rattle,                              
While singing "Deutschland Uber Alles!"                     
                                                            
50181 PENES - LARGE                  John Ciardi              



Said consumate cockster, Bill Graff,                        
Indulging his huge bulging staff,                           
"I've no special quarrel                                    
With early withdrawal,                                      
But chastity, hell, that's a laugh!"                        
                                                            
50182 PENES - LARGE                  Armand E Singer       548



There once was a woman named Becker,                        
Whose boyfriend propositioned to deck her!                  
Upon seeing his pole,                                       
She immediately extolled                                    
"Would you settle for a fast game of checkers?"             
                                                            
50183 PENES - LARGE                  Laurence Craft           



A busy young fellow named Jasper,                           
The size of whose cock was a gasper,                        
Met hardly a maid                                           
He hadn't waylaid;                                          
He'd exhibit his tool, and enclasp 'er.                     
                                                            
50184 PENES - LARGE                                      G0368



My beau is so kind and so strong,                           
But he thinks of some things that are wrong.                
He just thinks that he's                                    
The very bee's knees,                                       
Because of the size of his dong.                            
                                                            
50185 PENES - LARGE                                           



With a single quick pull on his wick,                       
Young Fred could make all the boys sick.                    
His magnificent size                                        
Made wide all their eyes;                                   
Of the girls, he could just take his pick.                  
                                                            
50186 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



As she squatted to ride on Dick's pecker,                   
A luscious blonde nympho named Decker                       
Said, "I seldom meet guys                                   
With kidneycrackers this size,                              
So I hope yours won't prove a cuntwrecker!"                 
                                                            
50187 PENES - LARGE                                      G2044



There was a Greek sailor from Thalia                        
Who knew several ways to regale ya.                         
He principal trump                                          
Was his cute little rump,                                   
Just behind his huge male genitalia.                        
                                                            
50188 PENES - LARGE                                      G1068



A husky young fellow named strong                           
Was hung with a mighty big prong.                           
Said he with a grin,                                        
"It's a strain getting in,                                  
But once in, it sure rings the gong!"                       
                                                            
50189 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  101      



So tell us, does size really matter?                        
Is it better when thinner or fatter?                        
I think it depends whether                                  
You are using a feather                                     
Or if you like yours on a platter.                          
                                                            
50190 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Yes, my name is the Artful Dodger,                          
With an incredibly large sized Todger.                      
It hangs down to my knee                                    
And will give you some glee,                                
As you open your legs for a rodger!                         
                                                            
50191 PENES - LARGE                                           



It's too dull to watch TV at night                          
When the neighbors don't turn out the light.                
There they are, laying 'round                               
With it DRAGGING THE GROUND!                                
And the sight every night's a delight.                      
                                                            
50192 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  789      



There's the very sad story of Klute,                        
Being hung as big as a brute.                               
He went out of his mind                                     
'Cause he never could find                                  
A cunt that would take his giant root!                      
                                                            
50193 PENES - LARGE                  Laurence Craft           



This 'shamus' was good at detection,                        
And his female client was perfection.                       
"I don't care what you charge,                              
You can make it quite large."                               
Which he did with an eight-inch erection!                   
                                                            
50194 PENES - LARGE                  Laurence Craft           



"How big's your dick?", she said.                           
"Two inches," answered Fred.                                
"A tiny schlong!"                                           
"Oh no! You're wrong;                                       
It has an eight inch head!"                                 
                                                            
50195 PENES - LARGE                  Wildman            TP9802



There was a young chap from Australia                       
Who bragged on his huge genitalia;                          
"Top rated," he claimed,                                    
"No matter where aimed,                                     
But super at black bacchanalia."                            
                                                            
50196 PENES - LARGE                  Armand E Singer       743



On the subject of size, don't confuse it;                   
No woman would ever refuse it.                              
But what makes us drool,                                    
Ain't the size of his tool,                                 
But whether he knows how to use it!                         
                                                            
50197 PENES - LARGE                  Kaylin                   



The pendulous pecker on Pete                                
Protrudes to great length when in heat.                     
This protuberant treasure                                   
Gives pussies great pleasure.                               
It's a fabulous pantsload of meat!                          
                                                            
50198 PENES - LARGE                                      G0420



It's well known that the men of Westphalia                  
Have unusually large genitalia,                             
And spend much of their lives                               
Hunting wives the right size--                              
A search often ending in failure.                           
                                                            
50199 PENES - LARGE                                      G0487



There's a mixed up young fellow named Gray                  
Whose prowess is hard to relay.                             
He feeds intravenous                                        
His oversize penis,                                         
But washes with Cashmere Bouquet.                           
                                                            
50200 PENES - LARGE                                      G2357



"So tell us, does size really matter?"                      
Asked the boys during playful chit-chatter.                 
"Any size, five to nine,"                                   
She answered, "is fine.                                     
Though my preferences lean toward the latter."              
(I don't think I could take one that's fatter)              
50201 PENES - LARGE                  Crazy Legs               



When a girl asked the size of his dick,                     
The Texan responded, right quick,                           
"Three inches or four."                                     
"But my boyfriend has more!"                                
"Yes, ma'am. But lengthwise or thick?"                      
                                                            
50202 PENES - LARGE                  John Miller 0066         



Fred Frilla, out flashin' his flasher,                      
Was called by Phil Fletcher, a masher.                      
But Phil's nymph wife Phyllis                               
Asked Fred to just peel his                                 
Fourteen-inch flesh flasher to bash her.                    
                                                            
50203 PENES - LARGE                  Jon Gearhart             



So you carry an eight-incher tool?                          
Two-thirds of a standard foot rule.                         
Fully extended                                              
Or resting upended?                                         
Sounds good to me! I'm no fool.                             
                                                            
50204 PENES - LARGE                  Arden                    



I heard of a man with a huge dick,                          
With big red knob gals liked to lick,                       
He often was showing,                                       
So gals kept on blowing,                                    
'Cause they thought: "Now this is a prick!"                 
                                                            
50205 PENES - LARGE                                           



The life of a clerk of the session                          
Was strangled in psychic repression,                        
But his maladies ceased,                                    
When his penis increased,                                   
In straight geometric progression.                          
                                                            
50206 PENES - LARGE                                      L1687



An ex-submariner named Guido,                               
Had a tremendous libido.                                    
When he got around women,                                   
He couldn't go swimmin',                                    
Because of his giant torpedo.                               
                                                            
50207 PENES - LARGE                  Popsicle           TP9806



I don't blame you if you want to shout                      
That you have a great big waterspout.                       
But keep it indoors                                         
Or in sophomores;                                           
In public, don't let it hang out!                           
                                                            
50208 PENES - LARGE                  Al Willis           T9707



An old sailor once loved dear Matilda;                      
His anchor was something that thrilled her.                 
Deep she sank it one night,                                 
It went straight out of sight,                              
But his anchor's great size nearly killed her!              
                                                            
50209 PENES - LARGE                                           



As the midget arose in erection,                            
Vi cried with delight and affection,                        
"For a wee guy, Pete Long,                                  
You're immense in the dong...                               
Nearly half of you lives in that section!"                  
                                                            
50210 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  546      



A muscular fellow named Mize,                               
Had a phallus of fabulous size.                             
Once, just for a laugh,                                     
He cut it in half,                                          
But still had enough for first prize.                       
                                                            
50211 PENES - LARGE                  Pierce Evans             



A cautious young fellow named Tunney,                       
Had a whang that was worth lots of money.                   
When eased in half-way,                                     
The girl's sigh made him say,                               
"Why the sigh?", "For the rest of it, honey."               
                                                            
50212 PENES - LARGE                                      L0253



That guy with three balls was my twin,                      
And my god could he juggle and spin.                        
He played pocket pool                                       
With his fourteen inch tool,                                
And went 'round with a permanent grin.                      
                                                            
50213 PENES - LARGE                                           



An Adventure Bay man, big down under,                       
Is known by the women as 'Thunder'.                         
One girl that he stuck                                      
Passed out in the fuck.                                     
The reason: I guess that he stunned her.                    
                                                            
50214 PENES - LARGE                  Craig Whitchurch         



A negro possessed of a whopper                              
Was disturbed on the job by a copper.                       
When caught in the light,                                   
He withdrew in a fright                                     
With an audible 'plonk', like a stopper.                    
                                                            
50215 PENES - LARGE                                      G0489



"I hear that your thing is tremendous;                      
So show us if it's so stupendous."                          
But when he complied,                                       
She looked like she'd died,                                 
Gulped three times, said, "Heaven defend us!"               
                                                            
50216 PENES - LARGE                  Mido                T9711



An extravagant fellow is Pender,                            
And his wang is superb in its splender.                     
It rises up huge                                            
And shoots a deluge.                                        
In his way, he's a damned heavy spender.                    
                                                            
50217 PENES - LARGE                  Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An oversized man who was nasty,                             
Was the origin of the, well, Hung Dynasty.                  
It did never grow big                                       
But his personal rig                                        
Was referred to as "His Swinging Majesty".                  
                                                            
50218 PENES - LARGE                  Snaggletooth             



The video "Horse Hung Hispanics",                           
Caused me and my lover to panic.                            
We've both taken dillies                                    
Of overstuffed willies,                                     
But those dongs could sink the Titanic.                     
                                                            
50219 PENES - LARGE                  Stuart Marzipan          



Emily my dearest, you're short,                             
But still I'm glad to report                                
Because you are blond,                                      
I'll show you my wand.                                      
It's huge and it holds a full quart!                        
                                                            
50220 PENES - LARGE                  Kathi Webster            



A well endowed fellow named Hopper                          
Would always do something improper.                         
Every night at the dance                                    
He would unzip his pants,                                   
And point out the home of the whopper.                      
                                                            
50221 PENES - LARGE                  Tom Patton          P0208



According to a female copper,                               
My pants are a huge traffic stopper;                        
When I asked her why,                                       
She said, "Well, big guy,                                   
Girls know it's the home of the whopper!"                   
                                                            
50222 PENES - LARGE                  Travis                   



Lover, it's such a big cob!                                 
And it's not a gelding? Good job!                           
I'm already hotter                                          
Riding your trotter,                                        
And my filly's beginning to throb.                          
                                                            
50223 PENES - LARGE                  Ericka                   



When 14, my Great Auntie Joan                               
Caught me, up in my bedroom alone,                          
Curtains drawn in the gloom.                                
She peered into the room ,                                  
And remarked (as she did), "How you've grown!"              
                                                            
50224 PENES - LARGE                  Peter Wilkins            



There once was a man from Australia,                        
Who was hung with amazing paraphenalia!                     
On his honeymoon flight,                                    
His bride stayed up all night                               
Exploring with his huge genitalia!                          
                                                            
50225 PENES - LARGE                  Laurence Craft           



A cunt-happy coot of North Galion                           
Is hung, so they say, like a stallion.                      
Effecting insertion                                         
Takes grease and exertion,                                  
And he drives the girls nuts with his dallyin'.             
                                                            
50226 PENES - LARGE                                      G0417



"Tissues for my issue, dear, please!                        
My stocks in Kleenex, I will seize.                         
I've the greatest demand                                    
(You must give me a hand)                                   
'Cause I'm bloody well hung to the knees!"                  
                                                            
50227 PENES - LARGE                                           



There once was a man from Australia,                        
Who had rather large genitalia.                             
He said to his bride,                                       
"Don't try to hide,                                         
'Cause where ever you go, I can nail ya'                    
                                                            
50228 PENES - LARGE                  Craig Mack               



I feel just like a damn fool,                               
Discussing the size of your tool.                           
I do know of course,                                        
You're hung like a horse!                                   
(A hankie!  I've started to drool!)                         
                                                            
50229 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The girly told Herman J. Dunn                               
As she took his fantastical bun,                            
"Your big ruddy tool                                        
Is a shocker, you fool!                                     
It's immodest, immoral...and FUN!                           
                                                            
50230 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  747      



There once was a man named O'Dailey                         
Whose manhood looked like a shillelagh.                     
His sweet Irish lass                                        
Was heard to have gasped,                                   
"Do you want to make love or impale me?"                    
                                                            
50231 PENES - LARGE                                           



I hear that your dick is tremendous,                        
When erect, it is something stupendous.                     
But if I were impaled,                                      
I'm sure you'd be jailed                                    
For my injuries most horrendous.                            
                                                            
50232 PENES - LARGE                  CyberCelt           T9710



A petite girl, who begged for some action,                  
Told a guy with a nine inch attraction:                     
"It would cause me dismay                                   
If you went all the way --                                  
But I'd settle", she smiled, "for a fraction."              
                                                            
50233 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young sailor named Claude,                      
Renowned for the size of his prod.                          
He attempted to lay                                         
An old whore in Malay,                                      
And the last words she spoke were, "My God!"                
                                                            
50234 PENES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0422



My wife's friend said she saw King Kong;                    
Her words to my wife were all wrong.                        
She slugged her friend's face,                              
Saying, "Out of my place!                                   
Just when did you see my man's schlong!"                    
                                                            
50235 PENES - LARGE                  Travis Brasell           



A guy with a big massive prick,                             
When asked, "How long is your dick?"                        
Said, "If my pants stop holding                             
My cock from unfolding,                                     
You'd be knocked on your ass, mighty quick!                 
                                                            
50236 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



How they marvel at Joe's penile vigor,                      
At its size and magnificent rigor.                          
When he was a lad,                                          
'Twas already not bad,                                      
And with age, it keeps on getting bigger.                   
                                                            
50237 PENES - LARGE                  Isaac Asimov             



Why do men pay such heed to mere size                       
Of the organ we all dearly prize,                           
Rather than learning best                                   
To ply that which we're blessed                             
To capture us rapturous cries?                              
                                                            
50238 PENES - LARGE                  Bob Giandomenico    P9102



Said a passionate lady of Ewell,                            
"The fellows, of course want my jewel.                      
But I make my selection                                     
By length-in-erection--                                     
Twelve inces is fine, as a rule."                           
                                                            
50239 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  951 G0324



There was a young boy named Jed,                            
Whose dong was big and blood-red.                           
Said his girlfriend, "Your prick                            
Is too rough and too thick--                                
Let's go to the movies instead."                            
                                                            
50240 PENES - LARGE                                      G0098



I just could not believe my eyes --                         
This stud was truly a prize!                                
He had a great dong,                                        
So thick and so long --                                     
I thought 'twas a bat 'tween his thighs!                    
                                                            
50241 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



I suppose if you wanted a job,                              
You could be a stand-in for Dob.                            
Are you strong and, perforce,                               
Are you hung like a horse?                                  
You are?  Oh be still my heartthrob!                        
                                                            
50242 PENES - LARGE                  Anon                     



An expert at kissin' and dallyin'                           
Had a prick quite like that of a stallion.                  
His success would be cosmic                                 
But for shortcomings osmic,                                 
For he reeked very strongly of scallion.                    
                                                            
50243 PENES - LARGE                  Isaac Asimov             



My personal trainer, Miss Stounds,                          
Said, "Travis, forgive how this sounds,                     
But if I could choose                                       
The weight you should lose,                                 
I'd say, in your dick, 30 lbs."                             
                                                            
50244 PENES - LARGE                  Travis Brasell           



I heard about Graham's Bell-end                             
And all of the twats it had rend.                           
This fellow, though dapper,                                 
Possessed  such  a  clapper,                                
That e-very gal was  his friend.                            
                                                            
50245 PENES - LARGE                                           



I once met a boy from Toledo,                               
Who in his pants kept a torpedo.                            
At first, I said "Ow!"                                      
And then I said "WOW!"                                      
I'm in love with his dick and libido.                       
                                                            
50246 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



He was only a gay caballero                                 
Dressed in shorts and a wide-brimmed sombrero,              
But his prick and his knockers                              
Made believers of mockers,                                  
Not to speak of a friendly vaquero.                         
                                                            
50247 PENES - LARGE                  Armand E Singer       887



"In our cult," said the girl, "it was true:                 
The Mahatma'd get stoned and then screw.                    
In the buff, he'd smoke bhang,                              
While his drug-plugged-in-whang                             
Just guh-rew and guh-rew and guhh-rew."                     
                                                            
50248 PENES - LARGE                                           



A staunchly built fellow named Pratt                        
Had equipment resembling a bat...                           
Once a pixie in Pismo                                       
Cried, "Man, what a gizmo!                                  
Do you really make babies with THAT?"                       
                                                            
50249 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  554      



Quite a looming big bloke am I;                             
For a snack I eat a huge pie.                               
And the size of my dick,                                    
Makes the women quite sick,                                 
And I have yet to find out why.                             
                                                            
50250 PENES - LARGE                                           



I once knew a bloke, Davey Borse;                           
They say he was hung like a horse.                          
I just had to know                                          
So I said, "Is it so?"                                      
He promptly replied, "Yes, of course!"                      
                                                            
50251 PENES - LARGE                  Aussie Owl               



There once was a widow named Reilly,                        
Who esteemed her late husband most highly,                  
And, in spite of the scandal,                               
Her umbrella handle,                                        
Was made from his membrum virile.                           
                                                            
50252 PENES - LARGE                                      L1505



Men always want a big prick,                                
But too deep down my throat makes me sick.                  
Size doesn't matter;                                        
Bigger's not fatter;                                        
Girls like me just want a good lick.                        
                                                            
50253 PENES - LARGE                  Tjarda                   



Old Cappy and me were at sea,                               
When all at once, we had to pee.                            
Mermaids hid 'neath the rails,                              
With numbers on their tales.                                
'Twas a 10 for old Cappy and me.                            
                                                            
50254 PENES - LARGE                  Anon                     



There was a young man from Nairobi                          
Who lived in a house of adobe.                              
He believed his "front tail"                                
Was as big as a whale's                                     
And that's why his called his dick "Moby".                  
                                                            
50255 PENES - LARGE                  Robert Elliot            



Yiddle, the orchestra fiddler,                              
Has such a magnificent diddler,                             
That girls, on first viewing,                               
Scream in shock, "Nothing doing!"                           
Though now and then one lets him twiddler.                  
                                                            
50256 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  320 G0330



Ah, a maiden has taken my bait,                             
Unsuspecting I really have eight                            
Fat inches of gristle                                       
That I'll launch like a missile,                            
The dusty, hot box to dilate.                               
                                                            
50257 PENES - LARGE                                           



There was a young lady of Chester,                          
Who fell in love with a jester.                             
Her breath came out hotly,                                  
At the sight of his motley,                                 
But the head on his wand most impressed her.                
                                                            
50258 PENES - LARGE                                      G0292



Exhibitionist Enos                                          
Oft exhibits his extra-large penis.                         
I'll tell you a secret,                                     
If you promise to keep it.                                  
He is ME -- so please keep it between us!!                  
                                                            
50259 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man named Mahoney,                        
Who was thought of, by some, as a phony.                    
He did talk up a storm.                                     
But come time to perform,                                   
He sure had a lot of baloney.                               
                                                            
50260 PENES - LARGE                  John Ciardi              



A well-endowed man was dejected,                            
Though his organ's great size was respected.                
When tumesced it would drain                                
All the blood from his brain,                               
So he fainted each time he erected.                         
                                                            
50261 PENES - LARGE                  Bob Giandomenico    P9307



Clyde, with his dick at attention,                          
(The size of his balls we won't mention.)                   
He popped Daisy Mae                                         
Who knew not what to say;                                   
But he sure didn't need an extension.                       
                                                            
50262 PENES - LARGE                  Queentut                 



She stared at the size of my schmoe,                        
Exclaiming, "My god, it won't go!"                          
So kissing her lips                                         
And tweaking her nips,                                      
I diddled her cunt with my toe.                             
                                                            
50263 PENES - LARGE                                           



There was a young lady named Schilling,                     
Who said to the oil man, "I'm willing                       
To engage your fine rig,                                    
But it looks mighty big,                                    
So forget any off shore drilling."                          
                                                            
50264 PENES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0322



A man who in speech was laconic,                            
Was considered to be quite moronic.                         
Though slow in the tongue                                   
He was really quite hung,                                   
So his sex life was quite supersonic.                       
                                                            
50265 PENES - LARGE                  Anon                     



The bigger the better's the rule;                           
I'm no "size isn't everything" fool.                        
I like 'em to wow me;                                       
Not "are you in now?" me;                                   
And dressing both sides would be cool!                      
                                                            
50266 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The apex of Throckmorton Bleek                              
Is a rare anatomical freak.                                 
He's attached to a dong                                     
Brobdinagian long,                                          
But he faints when it reaches its peak!                     
                                                            
50267 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  793      



A lady who lived in Tzaneen                                 
Was really delighted and keen                               
On a man from Tobruk                                        
With a big sturdy snook,                                    
Instead of a floppy sardine.                                
                                                            
50268 PENES - LARGE                  James Clarke        P9702



I once had a friend, name of Lee,                           
Whose pecker hung down to his knee.                         
If he hadn't a' tied it,                                    
The girls they'd all ride it,                               
Now he never could use it to pee.                           
                                                            
50269 PENES - LARGE                                           



Said a certain young well-endowed Finn,                     
"I can never do more that begin.                            
Though I try very hard,                                     
My attempt is ill-starred,                                  
I can't shove it all the way in."                           
                                                            
50270 PENES - LARGE                  Isaac Asimov             



An astonished young lady named Bissell                      
Let out a lascivious whistle,                               
When her boyfriend stripped nude.                           
He remarked, "Though it's crude,                            
Please observe that ain't muscle -- it's missile!"          
                                                            
50271 PENES - LARGE                                      G0257



A pilot who visited tarts,                                  
(Didn't care for those unexplored parts)                    
Earned thund'rous applause                                  
From those Seen-It-All whores                               
'Cause his chopper was right off the charts.                
                                                            
50272 PENES - LARGE                  Lucy                     



A generously endowed man                                    
Will always be in great demand --                           
And he can get paid                                         
By a wealthy old maid                                       
And make quite a fortune, he can!                           
                                                            
50273 PENES - LARGE                  Kaylin Brandon           



There once was an enormous dick;                            
The size of it would make you sick.                         
All the girls wanted it,                                    
But it just wouldn't fit.                                   
All's it got was a quick sick dick lick.                    
                                                            
50274 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was this girl named Alexis,                      
Thought all big pricks came from Texas.                     
But she made a mistake                                      
When the man from Salt Lake                                 
Filled her cunt with his "Pecker Erectus!"                  
                                                            
50275 PENES - LARGE                  Laurence Craft           



A good-natured fellow named Wise                            
Had a dong of incredible size.                              
His gargantuan putter                                       
Set the ladies aflutter --                                  
Too bad! He only fucked guys.                               
                                                            
50276 PENES - LARGE                  John Chastaine           



There was a young girl from Spokane,                        
Went to bed with a one-legged man.                          
She said, "I know you.                                      
You've really got two!                                      
Why didn't you say so when we began?"                       
                                                            
50277 PENES - LARGE                                     L0240 



"Hanging pictures", sighed clumsy Miss Young,               
"Is a task that can make me unstrung.                       
Thank God for my neighbor                                   
Who volunteered labor,                                      
Both my pictures and he are well hung.                      
                                                            
50278 PENES - LARGE                                           



I hear that your thing is tremendous;                       
Of a magnitude that just might send us                      
Over a sexual cliff,                                        
But only if stiff.                                          
If it's soft, from such fates please defend us.             
                                                            
50279 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A charming young man from LeMans                            
Had the world's biggest purplest glans.                     
It was shocking to know                                     
That he'd poke any hole,                                    
Then lick the remains from his hands!                       
                                                            
50280 PENES - LARGE                  Ahab                     



There was a young girl of Peitou                            
Who almost never said "No!"                                 
She met up with a Winger,                                   
Took one look at his stinger,                               
And said, "I'd prefer your big toe."                        
(written in Formosa by an Air Force man, hence 'Winger')    
50281 PENES - LARGE                                      G0418



Like the mighty majestic red oak.                           
With 'acorns' to make a squirrel choke,                     
Unmatched is your size,                                     
When given to rise,                                         
With a tender caressing stroke.                             
                                                            
50282 PENES - LARGE                                           



Miss Bertha has dumped her collection                       
Of men.  Her new aim of affection:                          
The todger of Roger,                                        
That wicked old codger,                                     
Who sports an enormous erection!                            
                                                            
50283 PENES - LARGE                  Anon                     



And Roger, that old skinless Louse,  <circumcised>          
Had offered his bait to my spouse.                          
But when she went round,                                    
All that she had found                                      
Was Roger had bragged of his house.                         
                                                            
50284 PENES - LARGE                  Anon                     



"My cock is the biggest," said Clyde.                       
His friend took a look and replied,                         
"You sure said a mouthful!                                  
I'm not the least doubtful,                                 
And I couldn't match that if I tried."                      
                                                            
50285 PENES - LARGE                  Limericks Naughty & Gay  



"So tell us, does size really matter?"                      
Said the bride to her seamstress and hatter.                
"Five and an eighth --                                      
You'd have to have faith;                                   
But seven will make you much gladder!"                      
                                                            
50286 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a plucky young girl in Monticello,                     
When she saw the big cock on a fellow,                      
"That oversize pecker                                       
Looks like a cunt wrecker,                                  
But let's try it, man--I ain't yellow."                     
                                                            
50287 PENES - LARGE                                      G0405



A well-hung old midget named Clyde                          
Dressed up as a boy and he cried.                           
He said, "Lady, help me                                     
For I want to go pee."                                      
When she pulled out his PRICK, she near died.               
                                                            
50288 PENES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1996



Kay wants a man hung like a horse,                          
So I'm picked as a matter of course.                        
When all other dates fail,                                  
I can count on her tail,                                    
Which is twice as hot since her divorce.                    
                                                            
50289 PENES - LARGE                                      G0363



I once met a girl that had said,                            
"I like my men big in my bed.                               
A big twelve inch whopper                                   
Is my kind of chopper!"                                     
So twice, gave six inches, instead.                         
                                                            
50290 PENES - LARGE                  Steve Hocking            



My pecker is not limp today;                                
My girlfriend just loves it that way.                       
Twelve inches in all                                        
And almost as tall,                                         
And she says she just wants to play.                        
                                                            
50291 PENES - LARGE                  Digital Warfare          



A condiment salesman named Firkin                           
Went courting with old Mrs Birkin.                          
He said: "If she tickles                                    
Me under the pickles,                                       
She'll faint at the size of me gherkin."                    
                                                            
50292 PENES - LARGE                  Paul Graham              



Wise Hoagy, the yogi from Rawls,                            
Toots away as he sits on his balls.                         
Thus parked on his glands,                                  
His vast penis stands,                                      
The sight of which shocks and appalls.                      
                                                            
50293 PENES - LARGE                                      G0432



I have heard that good lovin' takes charm                   
And tenderness to avoid harm.                               
And between his thighs,                                     
Who cares about size,                                       
If it's long and as thick as his arm.                       
                                                            
50294 PENES - LARGE                  Marlene Lewis            



I've listened to women who natter;                          
They're saying that size doesn't matter.                    
But if twenty guys                                          
Should offer their prize,                                   
They'd always be choosing the fatter.                       
                                                            
50295 PENES - LARGE                                           



Browsing near Papua, New Guinea,                            
I searched for one dick-tube from many.                     
The chief's bulging eyes                                    
Divulged his surprise --                                    
"Your club makes ours look like antennae!"                  
                                                            
50296 PENES - LARGE                                           



My own dad was hung like a horse,                           
Though I peeked only once, of course.                       
It hung to his knees;                                       
It was nothing to sneeze                                    
At, though Dad was only five foot four.                     
                                                            
50297 PENES - LARGE                                           



Once you get their attention,                               
Try not to keep them in suspension.                         
The cock in my trousers                                     
Is such a great wowser!                                     
A winner that gets special mention.                         
                                                            
50298 PENES - LARGE                  Ginger                   



There was a young lady named Psyche,                        
In bed with a fellow named Ike.                             
Said he, "Now don't worry,                                  
Or hurry or flurry,                                         
But that ain't my prick -- it's a spike."                   
                                                            
50299 PENES - LARGE                                      L1324



Things in Texas are big, that's the hype;                   
How do yo live up to that stereotype?                       
If you're nibbled and bited                                 
And generally excited,                                      
Can you still reach the keyboard to type?"                  
                                                            
50300 PENES - LARGE                  Erika                    



A gourmet with a enormous tool                              
Liked to stick it in pasta fazool.                          
It made him feel macho                                      
To come on a nacho,                                         
And he used it for stirring his gruel.                      
                                                            
50301 PENES - LARGE                                           



Just concentrate nurse, it's a trick.                       
Please pass me that saw and be quick.                       
I said, 'Pass me that saw.'                                 
Yes, I know it's enor-                                      
mous; stop messing around with his dick!                    
                                                            
50302 PENES - LARGE                                           



Detective inspector Don Wrangler                            
Desperately hunted a strangler.                             
Because the evil beast                                      
Did not care the least                                      
If he used his hands or his dangler.                        
                                                            
50303 PENES - LARGE                  Paul Westwood       P9607



He'll be there to inspect me,                               
With a big syringe to inject me.                            
Oh, I'll be humpbacked                                      
Before I get back                                           
To Ten-Ten-Tennessee...                                     
                                                            
50304 PENES - LARGE                                      L1108



There was a young fellow named Harry,                       
Had a joint that was long, huge, and scary.                 
He pressed it on a virgin                                   
Who, without any urgin',                                    
Immediately spread like a fairy.                            
                                                            
50305 PENES - LARGE                                      L0171



A massive thrust to her slit,                               
Brought a fart that should have been lit!                   
"Oh pardon," she sighed,                                    
"It's nothing," he cried.                                   
"Most girls usually shit."                                  
                                                            
50306 PENES - LARGE                  Connie Lingas            



The models who lie on my couch                              
Are gals who confess I'm no slouch;                         
They know that my art                                       
Is grand, in large part,                                    
As evidenced when they yell "Ouch!"                         
                                                            
50307 PENES - LARGE                  Travis Brasell           



There once was a man named Rock,                            
Whose libido was up 'round the clock!                       
The women revered him,                                      
Though some of them feared him,                             
Because of his 13 inch cock.                                
                                                            
50308 PENES - LARGE                  Skippy              T9707



A woman once told me "Your loss,                            
Your 'meager' one's not worth the toss.                     
You told me, you see,                                       
You have only three."                                       
"Oh, but darling, I measured across!"                       
                                                            
50309 PENES - LARGE                                           



"It grows to three inches," said Rick,                      
When describing the size of his dick.                       
But no girl ever laughed                                    
Or rejected his shaft,                                      
For they all seemed to like it that thick!                  
                                                            
50310 PENES - LARGE                  Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young woodsman named Kimber                     
Whose cock was so long and so limber                        
That when brought to erection                               
'Twas a work of perfection.                                 
When it fell, all the ladies cried, "Timber!"               
                                                            
50311 PENES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0502



Said a fat old whore of Big Rise:                           
"I can hardly believe my own eyes!                          
But there waves a pecker                                    
That's certain cunt-wrecker,                                
And I ain't fuckin' none of that size."                     
                                                            
50312 PENES - LARGE                                      G0254



The sheriff to wife said "Babe, this                        
Dooley is getting me pissed.                                
Should be bloody well hung!                                 
The wife bit her tongue,                                    
But thought: "And he certainly is."                         
                                                            
50313 PENES - LARGE                  Tiddy Ogg                



Now, if like old Archie, your hung,                         
And barely the size of a bung,                              
When she licks your bitty,                                  
Old H needs your pity,                                      
He ne'er gets the throat, just the tongue.                  
                                                            
50314 PENES - LARGE                  H WHELCHEL               



A teenager known as Big Rick                                
Had quite a magnificent prick;                              
When his girlfriend sighed,"Quickly!"                       
He looked rather sickly,                                    
For friction spent Rick's prick too quick.                  
                                                            
50315 PENES - LARGE                  Mark Levy           P9308



There once was a belle from Toulon,                         
Who said to her beau, "Pas si bon!                          
I admire your technique,                                    
It's really tres chic,                                      
But you're still both Toulouse and Toulon."                 
                                                            
50316 PENES - LARGE                                           



Poor Cubby set fire to her eggs,                            
While bouncing around 'tween her legs.                      
She hatched out a child                                     
That giggled and smiled.                                    
He knew he'd leave dad with the dregs.                      
                                                            
50317 PENES - LARGE                  Marlene Lewis            



A prospector who lives out in Dallas                        
Lays a claim to the world's largest phallus.                
But a guy in Fort Worth                                     
Has the biggest on Earth --                                 
Twenty inches of uncontrolled malice!                       
                                                            
50318 PENES - LARGE                  Hugh Oliver         A113C



There once was a Scotsman named Rod                         
Who lifted his kilt for some broad.                         
She liked his dick,                                         
For 'twas two inches thick,                                 
And about a ten or so inch prod!                            
                                                            
50319 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Rod,                         
Renowned for the size of his prod.                          
He attempted to stuff it                                    
Up Little Miss Muffet,                                      
And the last words she spoke were: "My God!"                
                                                            
50320 PENES - LARGE                                      G0437



So his dick's too big for your gob,                         
A fact that just makes you sob.                             
But if you had waited                                       
Until it's part inflated,                                   
Then it won't be such a prob.                               
                                                            
50321 PENES - LARGE                                           



This nymph thought big pricks were a treasure,              
And searched for the ultimate pleasure.                     
Each man had to prove                                       
He could stretch her big groove,                            
As determined by her yellow tape measure.                   
                                                            
50322 PENES - LARGE                  Laurence Craft           



There once was a boy from New Brunswick,                    
Who had a very large stunstick.                             
With the stick, he would whack                              
What he'd caught in his sack;                               
The whole thing was enough to make dung sick.               
                                                            
50323 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



While lying here having a beat,                             
I gaze on this thing we call meat.                          
It's so long and fat,                                       
If on it you sat,                                           
I'd ruin you for Frank, John, and Pete.                     
                                                            
50324 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Dallas,                          
Who had an exceptional phallus.                             
He couldn't find room                                       
In any girl's womb,                                         
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.                      
                                                            
50325 PENES - LARGE                                      L0150



Men hung with out-sized genitalia                           
Are welcomed by gals in Australia,                          
Peru, Greece, Iran,                                         
Hindustan and Japan,                                        
Arabia and Main Street, Westphalia...                       
                                                            
50326 PENES - LARGE                  Grand Prix Lim  314      



An art buff in London named Snow,                           
Accosted a fortnight ago,                                   
Is alleged to have quipped                                  
When a flasher unzipped,                                    
"Your exhibit's well hung, sir,  Good show!"                
                                                            
50327 PENES - LARGE                                           



A passion-struck tourist named Eunice                       
Was laid by the Emir of Tunis.                              
She said, "Very few guys                                    
Can approach him for size,                                  
Which makes his a prize by its fewness."                    
                                                            
50328 PENES - LARGE                                      G0680



The French can brag on romance;                             
The Spanish, flamenco dance;                                
Ubangis, their lips;                                        
Russian women, their hips;                                  
But I'll brag on what's in my pants!                        
                                                            
50329 PENES - LARGE                  MrMalo                   



Some of the girls are quite brave --                        
They gently squat down on my stave.                         
They stop about half,                                       
But then I just laugh,                                      
And slam the whole bear in the cave.                        
                                                            
50330 PENES - LARGE                  H WHELCHEL               



So now you know I'm a show stopper,                         
Though never intro'd myself proper.                         
The laughs that I bring                                     
Is surely nothing,                                          
Compared to the size of my whopper.                         
                                                            
50331 PENES - LARGE                                           



My wife is faithful, I know;                                
Wild oats she has no need to sow.                           
For morning to night                                        
I can turn on that light,                                   
With my aptly named Giant Marrow.                           
                                                            
50332 PENES - LARGE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a Scotsman named Jock,                          
Who had an enormous great cock.                             
The lady next door                                          
Couldn't take any more,                                     
As it woke her about five o'clock.                          
                                                            
50333 PENES - LARGE                                           



There was a young man from San Dimas,                       
Who had such an enormous penis,                             
All the women would cry,                                    
As they went by,                                            
Please let us share it between us.                          
                                                            
50334 PENES - LARGE                  William Ted              



I wish I were eighteen years old                            
And dashing, and handsome, and bold.                        
While (just for the record)                                 
I'm pretty well peckered,                                   
More girls I would get with more gold.                      
                                                            
50335 PENES - LARGE                                           



There once was a soldier named Purvis,                      
Whose cock was the pride of the service.                    
They'd come in on trucks                                    
To watch one of his fucks,                                  
Though he always said, "Crowds make me nervous."            
                                                            
50336 PENES - LARGE                                      G0428



A sturdy young fellow named Schmidt                         
Was blessed with an oversize kit.                           
When he took off his clothes                                
His new ladyfriend froze,                                   
But she felt it would not hurt a bit.                       
                                                            
50337 PENES - LARGE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0326



A guy with a build that was stallionate,                    
Found it harder than Hades to copulate.                     
When sexually charged,                                      
His appendage enlarged                                      
To the girth of the girl he took out to date.               
                                                            
50338 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L1639



'here's a pickled stiff pecker in Florence,                 
One can view at the shrine of St. Lawrence.                 
Aghast at its size,                                         
Some lower their eyes,                                      
While some others just stare and weep torrents.             
                                                            
50339 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a young man named Lanny,                     
The size of whose prick was uncanny.                        
His wife, the poor dear,                                    
Took it into her ear,                                       
And it came out a hole in her fanny.                        
                                                            
50340 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L1722



There was a young man named cribs                           
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.                          
That's not so bad,                                          
But what really IS sad                                      
Is that his balls are so big they have nibs."               
                                                            
50341 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There was a young fellow of Harrow,                         
Whose john was the size of a marrow.                        
He said to his tart,                                        
"How's that for a start?                                    
My balls are outside in a barrow."                          
(marrow - spouse, lover)                                    
50342 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0170



There was a young idler named Blood,                        
Made a fortune performing at stud,                          
His fifteen-inch peter,                                     
(A triple repeater)                                         
Would come like the Biblical Flood.                         
                                                            
50343 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0273



There once was a man named Paul,                            
And although he wasn't so tall,                             
His dick was quite large,                                   
As big as a barge.                                          
Sometimes when he walked he would fall!                     
                                                            
50344 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a young man named Terrell,                   
Who was always considered quite virile.                     
The women he'd lay                                          
Would all talk and say                                      
That "his pecker's as big as a barrel."                     
                                                            
50345 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         DJ                       



A boatman by the name of DeFarge                            
Had a pecker exceedingly large.                             
He was arrested one day                                     
For public foreplay,                                        
With two pleasure craft and a barge.                        
                                                            
50346 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         John Chastaine     TP9901



We're in debt to a Sheikh; way back when;                   
He gave sage advice with his pen;                           
The chicks will be glad;                                    
And, with joy, driven mad,                                  
If your tool's of the size of Big Ben!                      
                                                            
50347 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



Mother! Oh Mother! Come down to the crick;                  
There's an Irishman down there who's washing his prick.     
It's as long as your arm;                                   
It's as thick as your wrist;                                
The knob on the end is as big as your fist!                 
                                                            
50348 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Laurie Broughton         



A fellow of Ness, name of Jock                              
Who boasted, "The size of my cock                           
Is far bigger than                                          
That of any man,                                            
Or of anything found in the Loch!"                          
                                                            
50349 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Alexander Baron          



There once was a young man named Bob,                       
Who bragged of the world's biggest knob.                    
His little wife, bored,                                     
Wanted a bit of the gourd,                                  
But instead gave him a blowjob.                             
                                                            
50350 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Hubert                   



There once was a man from Nantucket                         
With a knob the size of a bucket.                           
The shielas would say,                                      
"He'll make my day!"                                        
But no cunt was able to fuck it.                            
                                                            
50351 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



Another young lady from Ayr                                 
Disagreed and said, "Are you aware                          
Of the infinite bliss                                       
Of a caber like this?"                                      
As she tossed herself up in the air.                        
                                                            
50352 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Peter Wilkins            



A farmer from Lake Okanagan                                 
Had to carry his cock in a wagon,                           
'Cause the fruits of his trade                              
Weren't the sort to be laid,                                
Yet they left a perpetual jagon.                            
                                                            
50353 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Hugh Oliver          102c



In the land of Dingle Down Dilly                            
Lived a man with an ENORMOUS willy.                         
He carted this marrow                                       
Upon a wheelbarrow,                                         
Which made him look rather silly.                           
                                                            
50354 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



"A very large phallus, my preference",                      
She said this with very much reverence.                     
"Eight inches is fine,                                      
And ten is divine,                                          
And that measures just the circumference."                  
                                                            
50355 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Al Willis                



One day while out for a walk,                               
I came across a human outline in chalk.                     
It seems he was nude,                                       
For his dick did protrude,                                  
And extended an entire city block!                          
                                                            
50356 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There was a young lady from Durber                          
Who swore that no cock could perturb her,                   
Till a Turk from Khartoum                                   
Knocked the shit from her womb                              
With his fifteen-inch cunny-disturber.                      
                                                            
50357 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             G0317



A worry, dragging there on the ground;                      
I keep fit carrying it all around.                          
But I do complain,                                          
And find a plain Jane,                                      
When it shrinks to just a small mound.                      
                                                            
50358 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Archie                   



If you think that our boy's now a stud,                     
You've been fooled by the size of his pud.                  
Twelve inches when soft,                                    
When it rises aloft,                                        
He faints from the sheer lack of blood.                     
                                                            
50359 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Landrucket                        
Who wanted to fuck it and fuck it.                          
But he was real stuck                                       
And just couldn't fuck,                                     
'Cause his penis could fill a large bucket.                 
                                                            
50360 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Kitten                   



There may be some truth in this lore                        
You've spun since dear Ermintrude swore:                    
"The cock of a bull                                         
Once made my hands full,                                    
But Trav's needs more hands -- at least four!               
                                                            
50361 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a foreman named George,                      
Who beat out his prick on a forge.                          
He made it too big                                          
And had nothing to frig,                                    
So he fucked the Grand Canyon gorge.                        
                                                            
50362 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             G2135



There was a young fellow named Cripps,                      
Whose cock was so large it had ribs.                        
They were inches apart,                                     
And to suck it took art,                                    
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.                      
                                                            
50363 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         L0147                    



I once wondered what it was worth                           
To service my humongous girth.                              
One hooker quoth "Zounds!                                   
That's three hundred pounds --                              
The same as the price for a birth!"                         
                                                            
50364 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         H WHELCHEL               



There was an old man of Tagore,                             
Whose tool was a yard long or more.                         
So he wore the damn thing                                   
In a surgical sling                                         
To keep it from wiping the floor.                           
                                                            
50365 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0245



Consider the plight of Neal Darrow,                         
And his girl who is slight and quite narrow.                
It is said that his tool's                                  
Thrice the size of a mules,                                 
And he carries it in a wheelbarrow.                         
                                                            
50366 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Pierce Evans             



There was an old scholar named Nick,                        
Who wrote Latin and Greek with his prick.                   
He peed a paean                                             
In the snow by the john,                                    
In script more than three inches thick.                     
(see Pissing In The Snow by Randolf)                        
50367 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0726



There was a young man from Darjeeling,                      
Whose dong reached up to the ceiling.                       
In the electric light socket,                               
He'd put it and rock it.                                    
Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!                           
                                                            
50368 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L1261



There once was a young man named Gibbs,                     
Whose cock was so large, it had ribs.                       
He was truly a sport                                        
Who could come by the quart,                                
So his girlfriends always wore bibs.                        
                                                            
50369 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Walter W Sloan           



There once was a man from Van Nuys                          
With a prick of incredible size.                            
This wasn't so great                                        
For, because of its weight,                                 
He never could get it to rise.                              
                                                            
50370 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



A man from old Arizona                                      
Had an incredible bona.                                     
So great was its size,                                      
That touching the skies,                                    
'Twas awarded it's own time zona.                           
                                                            
50371 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         BK                       



There was an old man of Brienz,                             
The length of whose cock was immense.                       
With one swerve he could plug,                              
A boy's bottom in Zug,                                      
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.                       
                                                            
50372 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Norman Douglas      L0275



There once was a man from Belfast,                          
Whose tool was as big as a mast.                            
But what was so frightening,                                
It was struck by lightening,                                
And transformed him into a young lass!                      
                                                            
50373 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Laurence Craft           



If you ever run into Joe Hake,                              
You'll find that his prize takes the cake!                  
Somehow in it shipment                                      
They mixed up equipment,                                    
And an elephant's came by mistake                           
                                                            
50374 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Grand Prix Lim  807      



Ted had a prick that erected, he                            
Could reach from New York to Schenectady.                   
This tube in the air,                                       
Made everyone stare,                                        
And the women all wished they could neck Teddy.             
                                                            
50375 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There was a young man named Cribbs                          
Whose cock was so big it had ribs                           
But the erectile plasma                                     
Causes momentary miasma                                     
If he says he's had you, he fibs!                           
                                                            
50376 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



A well endowed fellow named Miller                          
Who, while fucking his wife, might just kill her.           
She'd make him hold back                                    
From a full dick attack,                                    
But from three feet away, he'd still fill her.              
                                                            
50377 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Lims For Year - 01       



A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young,                               
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.                      
When asked how it ripped,                                   
She replied as she stripped,                                
"That man that I married is HUNG!                           
                                                            
50378 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             G0821



I'm afraid it's too big, you see.                           
Don't need a hysterectomy.                                  
What can I say,                                             
To make him stay,                                           
Without coming inside of me.                                
                                                            
50379 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



A young man maintained that his trigger,                    
Was so big that there wern't any bigger.                    
But his long and thick pud                                  
Was so heavy it could                                       
Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.                 
                                                            
50380 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0252



There was a young man of Glengarry,                         
Whose cock was too heavy to carry.                          
So he put it on wheels,                                     
And hired trained seals,                                    
For his opening night in Wilkes-Barre.                      
                                                            
50381 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0343



There was a young fellow named Bowen                        
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.                      
It grew so tremendous,                                      
So long and so pendulous,                                   
'Twas no good for fuckin', just showin'.                    
                                                            
50382 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0133



Since Kristen, for truth, you've a yen,                     
Come see me tonight around ten                              
And you will discover                                       
I lie undercover                                            
But my cock stretches out in the pen.                       
                                                            
50383 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



As a boast I think that's pretty poor;                      
John's I think reaches the floor.                           
And if I show my wares                                      
At the foot of the stairs,                                  
It reaches the bedroom door.                                
                                                            
50384 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Jim Weaver Collection    



A sailor named George was in charge                         
Of a dong most uncommonly large;                            
When ashore, with some luck,                                
It could travel by truck,                                   
But at sea it required its own barge.                       
                                                            
50385 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         William N. Nesbit   P9701



There was a young man named Hank                            
Who had an elongated crank.                                 
He went out to sea,                                         
Whipped it out for a pee,                                   
Tipped over his boat, and he sank.                          
                                                            
50386 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a man with a wick,                           
That was several metres too thick.                          
To get satisfaction,                                        
He took up some action                                      
With an old whale named Moby Dick.                          
                                                            
50387 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There was a young athlete named Grimmon                     
Who developed a new way of swimmin'.                        
By a marvelous trick,                                       
He would scull with his prick,                              
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.                 
                                                            
50388 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L1428



"Oh seventeen inches," she sighed.                          
"I'd like to have that thing inside."                       
But he missed with his thrust;                              
She was sore with disgust,                                  
'Cause he didn't mean long, he meant WIDE.                  
                                                            
50389 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Chimera                  



There once was a man from Belle Isle                        
Who knew all the women would smile                          
When he opened his coat--                                   
ITS THE SIZE OF A BOAT!                                     
He'd a shit-eating grin all the while.                      
                                                            
50390 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Queentut                 



There was a young man from Sioux Falls,                     
Renowned in vaudeville halls;                               
His favorite trick                                          
Was to stand on his prick,                                  
And then slide off the stage on his balls!                  
                                                            
50391 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



A strapping young lad (name of Pete)                        
Had a cock that was measured in feet.                       
The width of its head                                       
Gave some women dread,                                      
While others believed it quite neat!                        
                                                            
50392 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a young Texas wrangler,                      
Who had an incredible dangler.                              
He'd spot a young filly                                     
And unleash his willie;                                     
And most of the time it would strangle her.                 
                                                            
50393 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Mark Calvin              



"That thing's far too big," cried Kate,                     
To George, in his priapic state.                            
He muttered, "Oh fuck it!"                                  
Up chimney he stuck it,                                     
Ecstatically shouting "It's grate!"                         
                                                            
50394 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Tiddy Ogg                



A mad scientist by the name of Miss Larrow                  
Was fed up with dicks being so narrow.                      
She created a man                                           
From parts of her van,                                      
With a dick the size of a marrow!                           
                                                            
50395 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a man from Iraq                              
Who had an enormous cock;                                   
It was 8 feet around                                        
When he laid on the ground                                  
And as tall as the Gibraltar rock                           
                                                            
50396 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Jim Weaver Collection    



A horny young man, so callow,                               
Told a girl as they kissed in a hollow,                     
"Did you know that my dick                                  
Is three inches thick?"                                     
She said, "That's a hard one to swallow."                   
                                                            
50397 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



A half-Spanish Moor named Arribia                           
Engaged in some whoring in Libya,                           
And developed his joint                                     
To the interesting point                                    
Where it's hung all the way to his tibia.                   
                                                            
50398 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         G0239                    



A perverted young fellow named Decker                       
Had a hundred and fifty pound pecker.                       
One day it broke down                                       
Two miles out of town,                                      
And he had it towed in by a wrecker.                        
                                                            
50399 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Sonny              TP9802



One unlucky gentleman Rick                                  
Was born with twelve inches of dick.                        
Now this you may say                                        
He's unlucky no way,                                        
But it's not that long, it's that thick.                    
                                                            
50400 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



A young Irish fellow named Mick,                            
Had a most unmusual dick.                                   
When soft it was small,                                     
Just half an inch tall,                                     
But erect it was twelve inches thick.                       
                                                            
50401 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Mr Malo                  



A very sad man named McMeanus,                              
Envied his brother's twenty inch penis.                     
It was small consolation                                    
That the rest of the nation,                                
Were with him in his relative weeness.                      
                                                            
50402 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         L0193                    



From those spooks you can have my protection,               
With me there they will not make connection.                
If they make a come on                                      
You will have a baton --                                    
It is my gigantic erection.                                 
                                                            
50403 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



There once was a guy d'Amarillo                             
Equipped with a huge Cigarillo.                             
His girlfriend once said,                                   
While cozy in bed,                                          
"Can I use it tonight as a pillow?"                         
                                                            
50404 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Jim Weaver Collection    



An old Ozark farmer with bunions                            
Supported his sore feet on trunions.                        
This let his dong dangle                                    
At just the right angle                                     
To use it for plowing the onions!                           
                                                            
50405 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Grand Prix Lim  502 G0275



A lady while dining at Crewe,                               
Found and elephant's whang in her stew.                     
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,                              
Or wave it about,                                           
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."                      
                                                            
50406 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Langford Reed       L0022



The size of your cock has renown;                           
It's talents known all over town.                           
And heavy it's weight,                                      
Is your 20 by 8,                                            
So I'll take that please lying down.                        
                                                            
50407 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



The giant dropped his shorts with abandon;                  
In a flash he had his left hand on                          
A prick that was so big,                                    
There was room for a pig                                    
And a whole flock of turkeys to land on.                    
                                                            
50408 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                                  



I hear that your cock is tremendous;                        
All the ladies say it's stupendous.                         
They would take one look                                    
And shove it in their nook,                                 
And say it'll take years to mend us!                        
                                                            
50409 PENES - LARGE - LARGER         Jim Weaver Collection    



When he tried to inject his huge whanger,                   
A young man aroused his girl's anger.                       
As they strove in the dark,                                 
She was heard to remark,                                    
"What you need in a zeppelin hangar."                       
                                                            
50410 PENES - LARGE - LARGER                             L0259



To add six inches of dick,                                  
Now that is a very fine trick.                              
But stiff as a sentry,                                      
It would limit your entry                                   
To tunnels enormous and slick.                              
                                                            
50411 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Addition?  Hell no! I need action                           
To give my old todger subtraction!                          
Its massive 12 inches                                       
Is fought for by wenches;                                   
'Tween whores it keeps causing a faction.                   
                                                            
50412 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



There was a young fellow named Lancelot,                    
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.             
Whenever he'd pass                                          
A presentable lass,                                         
The front of his pants would advance a lot.                 
                                                            
50413 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Anon                L1623



The cause of his swelling was clear;                        
'Twas the fair Lady Guinevere.                              
The cure per King Arthur                                    
For it not to go farther,                                   
Was "Lop it off, back to his ear!"                          
                                                            
50414 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Chinnook                 



Cerne Hill's like a huge picture book,                      
Whose scale leaves us all thunderstruck.                    
Apropos of the latter,                                      
If size doesn't matter,                                     
Why DO women smile when they look?                          
                                                            
50415 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



He's a man with a pivotal pole                              
In achieving Cerne's financial goal.                        
Drawing tourists world-wide,                                
To this Dorset hillside,                                    
With the aid of his "magnetic" pole.                        
                                                            
50416 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



The ancients were craftsmen, not fools,                     
Well versed in mechanical rules.                            
And they were, as you'll learn,                             
If you're ever in Cerne,                                    
Enormously proud of their tools!                            
                                                            
50417 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



The man with the world's longest dick                       
Went to hospital feeling quite sick.                        
The nurses who swore                                        
They'd seen peckers galore,                                 
Were amazed at the size of his prick.                       
                                                            
50418 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



They gathered around for a look,                            
Checking up in a medical book.                              
They found that he beat                                     
The old record by feet,                                     
So a full-color photo they took.                            
                                                            
50419 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



To give an idea of the size                                 
Of the gentleman's genital prize,                           
They each gave a pull                                       
On his massive great tool,                                  
'Til it quivered and rose to the skies.                     
                                                            
50420 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



As that medical specimen grew,                              
It was filmed by a camera crew,                             
Beneath an umbrella,                                        
In case that huge fella                                     
Erupted in mountains of goo.                                
                                                            
50421 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Still squealing in utter delight,                           
All the nurses took turns to excite                         
This monstrous great knob                                   
'Til it started to throb                                    
And pulsate at its maximum height.                          
                                                            
50422 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



...Then explode with incredible power,                      
An eruption which lasted an hour.                           
(They called in the cops                                    
Who used pulleys and props                                  
To prevent the collapse of the tower.)                      
                                                            
50423 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



The nurses were taken away                                  
And arrested for public affray.                             
But the man with the dong                                   
Will be wealthy ere long,                                   
For the video's out any day.                                
                                                            
50424 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



You non-British readers, you'll see                         
A merry translation from me --                              
A willy it lies                                             
(When relaxed) 'tween men's thighs,                         
And ends somewhere down by the knee.                        
                                                            
50425 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        C M                      



This Texan's reply's sure to rankle                         
(But if I don't answer, some Yank'll):                      
The British are silly,                                      
The American willy                                          
Comes closer, we're sure, to the ankle.                     
                                                            
50426 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        John Miller              



My Willy is always in view.                                 
I lost my leftleg, that is true.                            
I didn't feel bad,                                          
I just went and had                                         
Willy fitted for a left shoe.                               
                                                            
50427 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Frank                    



Don't you find that size is a bore?                         
A hindrance, whenever you score?                            
I suggest you'd be fine                                     
With a willy like mine,                                     
Which reaches right down to the floor.                      
                                                            
50428 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        D M                      



My condolences. You sound a good sport                      
With such limits on how you cavort.                         
Will you take me to task                                    
For the cheek just to ask,                                  
"How come both your legs are so short?"                     
                                                            
50429 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        John Miller              



To have such a length is a trick;                           
If I were to be given a pick,                               
It isn't a crutch,                                          
Two inches ain't much,                                      
But some women like them that thick.                        
                                                            
50430 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Rastus                   



A young man who came from Manila                            
Had a dick the size of Godzilla.                            
Though too big to fuck,                                     
Ladies wanted to suck,                                      
'Cause he'd dipped it in bowls of vanilla.                  
                                                            
50431 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Martin V Jensen          



It is true just what he said,                               
That dick had an enormous head.                             
You can chew on his knob                                    
Like corn on the cob.                                       
I sucked it till my gums all bled.                          
                                                            
50432 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Jule'                    



When I was a tot, my old nursey,                            
At diaper change, looked at my percy,                       
And said: "When you've grown,                               
The size of that bone                                       
Will make all the girls cry for mercy.                      
                                                            
50433 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



And now, so I am not disgraced,                             
By percy escaping, it's placed                              
In loops of strong felt,                                    
Attached to my belt,                                        
And wound several times 'round my waist.                    
                                                            
50434 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



These words are like music to me!                           
I've been blind, but now I can see!                         
Hallellujah!  I'm saved;                                    
This length I have craved                                   
Since the last time I let Ogg go free.                      
                                                            
50435 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



Everything's quiet and then                                 
I stir up a hornets nest when                               
I made a small error,                                       
Unleashing the terror                                       
Of Sis Chris on the rampage again.                          
                                                            
50436 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



I think it's because you're a-merkin                        
Why you're such a lover of ferkin                           
Out here in the Isles                                       
We give women piles,                                        
Because of the size of our gherkin.                         
                                                            
50437 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I am not impressed with your pickle.                        
How well can you do slap and tickle?                        
And I don't want piles;                                     
I'd rather have smiles                                      
From one charming man who ain't fickle.                     
                                                            
50438 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



On my grave will be chiseled, "It's chilly                  
And cold in the place where that silly                      
Old duffer has gone.                                        
What a rougue and a con;                                    
He had only nine inches of willy."                          
                                                            
50439 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Nine inches...Well that is petite,                          
When you look at the size of your feet,                     
Your not in proportion.                                     
So please heed my caution                                   
And limit the food that you eat.                            
                                                            
50440 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Jules                    



It won't help the size of your member                       
But I'm sure that, come next September,                     
When you jump on the scale,                                 
You won't feel like a whale                                 
And you may stoke up that dormant old ember.                
                                                            
50441 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Jules                    



Nine inches; alas and alack.                                
It's not much, my dear Jules, but lie back                  
For I've just noticed these;                                
Your 38C's,                                                 
And I fancy a bit of a snack.                               
                                                            
50442 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



A whopper thus handicaps me;                                
If you were my size then you'd see.                         
A hefty thick cock                                          
Is cause of jaw-lock,                                       
Unless one just sips it like tea.                           
                                                            
50443 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        H Whelchel               



I must be content with the tip,                             
Just cozied 'tween ivory and lip.                           
While you're slamming skull,                                
And getting brutal,                                         
I'm barely just getting a dip.                              
                                                            
50444 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        H WHELCHEL               



I need some advice from you guys,                           
'Bout a dick of enormous size.                              
Should I just give him head,                                
When he takes me to bed,                                    
I'd like to keep this prize.                                
                                                            
50445 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



If it don't fit, then you haven't tried                     
Lubricants from far and wide.                               
They'll make it seem                                        
There's enough room to ream                                 
Even a hole that's pinsized!                                
                                                            
50446 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



So basically you are a tease,                               
You're boyfriend you don't wish to please,                  
Just to make him hot                                        
And give him sex, NOT!                                      
Blue balls though he's down on his knees!                   
                                                            
50447 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



But first I must give her a scrub,                          
'Cause she has been with you, there, bub.                   
There's filth in the mix                                    
That Clorox can't fix,                                      
But a flamethrower'll work 'cause she's grub.               
                                                            
50448 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I don't think that she'll miss you much;                    
She said that she can't stand your touch.                   
She likes my big pecker;                                    
(the one called "homewrecker"),                             
I know by the feel of her clutch.                           
                                                            
50449 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Old Hengst would have no discourse                          
With ladies -- he took them by force.                       
The girls didn't mind                                       
Rough stuff of that kind,                                   
For Hengst was hung like a Norse.                           
                                                            
50450 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



And Hengist had horns on his head,                          
Protruding from helmet of lead;                             
Those horns came in handy                                   
For Brandy and Mandy,                                       
Who used them in Hengist's Norse bed.                       
                                                            
50451 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I've followed your big pecker woes                          
And the problems you have, I suppose.                       
That to stow it away                                        
At the end of each day,                                     
Is like rolling up a garden hose.                           
                                                            
50452 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Rusty Smith              



It ain't only long, but quite fat;                          
It bangs on my thighs, pitterpat.                           
I sun in the nude,                                          
And many have viewed;                                       
It's visible clear from Landsat.                            
                                                            
50453 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        H WHELCHEL               



Said an honest young woman, Ms. Dormer,                     
When asked if large cocks made her warmer.                  
"Any size, ten to six                                       
Will satisfy chicks,                                        
Though I'd personally rather the former.                    
                                                            
50454 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Ulla                     



Her roommate was named Madame Jean,                         
Whose pussy was centered between                            
Two legs opened wide,                                       
Which beckoned inside                                       
Any cock up to inch seventeen.                              
                                                            
50455 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Ardens                   



There's no one quite like Joey Spanic,                      
Who happens to be a mechanic.                               
All the young hens,                                         
Bring their cars to him;                                    
It's said his cock's like the Titanic!                      
                                                            
50456 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



He was not so terrific to me,                               
Mechanic though you said he may be.                         
He won't get in my car,                                     
'Cause when I got so far,                                   
He'd sink quite unexpectedly.                               
                                                            
50457 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



We all have a strength and a weakness,                      
Which serves to define our uniqueness.                      
My weakness?  Divulge it?                                   
Let's say I indulge it;                                     
My strengths are length, width and meekness.                
                                                            
50458 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



We all know that your thing is mean;                        
Although it remains yet unseen.                             
But please at your leisure,                                 
Will it give me much pleasure                               
As the spin on my washing machine?                          
                                                            
50459 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Michelle                 



Aesthetically speaking, some guys                           
Are really a marvelous size.                                
They don't need a sock                                      
Stuffed into their jock                                     
Nor bean bags hid behind their flies.                       
                                                            
50460 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



If you're not concerned about size                          
You're giving it to the wrong guys;                         
Good size is much better                                    
For making you wetter,                                      
And giving you multiple sighs.                              
                                                            
50461 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I am not so concerned 'bout the size                        
Just so long as the man really tries                        
But things here are so quiet                                
With no beer on my diet                                     
To see ANY would be a nice surprise!!!                      
                                                            
50462 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



As for your comment about beer                              
That won't solve the problem, my dear                       
Get shot of the stump                                       
And go get a lump...                                        
That can shift from the front or the rear.                  
                                                            
50463 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Hey there, you whorehounding bounder,                       
With your pitifully small quarter-pounder.                  
It's my half pound with cheese,                             
Hanging down to my knees,                                   
That's bound to make her eyes go rounder.                   
                                                            
50464 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        F Ormatsee               



Soon his mac bloomed long and round -                       
Tumescently over two pound!                                 
She said to his raise,                                      
"May I have mayonnaise?"                                    
Indeed, it had quarts, and she drowned.                     
                                                            
50465 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        H WHELCHEL               



A half-pounder is cause for acclaim,                        
But the other's a low-down dirty shame.                     
I'm sure that the cheese                                    
Is the result of disease,                                   
And that's hardly a claim to fame.                          
                                                            
50466 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        S C Saint                



The rumor I set out to scotch                               
'Bout the size of what's here in the crotch                 
Of my shorts, hasn't had                                    
An effect. That's too bad;                                  
So I might as well find it a notch.                         
                                                            
50467 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



But ladies I think it is fair,                              
Now you let me inspect you down there.                      
(Not forgetting your rear                                   
And your mammary gear)                                      
So come knock on my door if you dare.                       
                                                            
50468 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I've kept out of bragging contention,                       
But now I think I'd like to mention,                        
Mine is size ten,                                           
And it's swelling again.                                    
It's not yet drawn that much attention.                     
                                                            
50469 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



You all have minds that are dirty                           
And like writing limericks so flirty.                       
The size of my thing                                        
Is for sizing a ring,                                       
And the swelling makes my knuckles hurt me.                 
                                                            
50470 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



If I were to enter a contest,                               
I could 'hang tough' with the rest.                         
My length and my size                                       
Is quite long and quite wide.                               
I refer to my shoe size in jest.                            
                                                            
50471 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



I wear a size thirteen triple-E;                            
I need them quite wide as you see.                          
As the old saying goes,                                     
Compare feet and nose;                                      
The size compares elsewhere with these.                     
                                                            
50472 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



I clawed at my balls and my thighs,                         
Ripped hair from the root of my "rise"                      
(My Cunt-Seeking Pointer                                    
And Pussy-Annointer),                                       
And further, emitted wild cries.                            
                                                            
50473 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I was sure that the cute little nipper                      
'D be shocked when I zipped down my zipper                  
But she only said, "Gosh,                                   
If only you'd wash,                                         
It would smell a bit less like a kipper!"                   
                                                            
50474 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Petunia, Petunia, Petune --                                 
Now now, please me don't impugn.                            
I'm thick as a brick --                                     
I do mean my dick --                                        
Cocked, loaded, and set to harpoon.                         
                                                            
50475 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Wicked Mick              



But Peter, but Peter, but Pete --                           
You're so quick to brag on your meat.                       
If that's a harpoon,                                        
My ass is the moon.                                         
There's no whale here, Nemo, retreat!                       
                                                            
50476 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Jason                    



I don't have too much, bless my soul --                     
Hung less like a horse than a foal.                         
Yet it still doesn't fit                                    
While sitting to shit,                                      
And collides with some part of the bowl.                    
                                                            
50477 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        John Miller              



I'd guess mine is two to three feet;                        
It won't fit; this huge piece of meat.                      
The toilet's too small,                                     
So I piss on the wall,                                      
'Cause mingling with shit is not neat.                      
                                                            
50478 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tom Wolfley              



He told me an elephant fable                                
Concerning the size of his cable.                           
Turns out that his size                                     
Was no pack of lies!                                        
I'm running away while I'm able.                            
                                                            
50479 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I really can't hide my dismay                               
This sounds like a really good lay.                         
Most women would die                                        
For what hangs from this guy,                               
And here you are running away.                              
                                                            
50480 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Young Jason's tool was a fright,                            
It stood up all morning and night.                          
It was so big and long                                      
And incredibly strong,                                      
That to pull up his pants was a fight.                      
                                                            
50481 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tim Fisher               



"The problem," said Mary to Jim,                            
"Is with passion you're filled to the brim.                 
Now get out that beast,                                     
And slap it with grease,                                    
And then you can borrow my quim."                           
                                                            
50482 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tim Fisher               



But Mary she couldn't withstand                             
The size of his big purple gland.                           
It made her so sore,                                        
He had to withdraw,                                         
And finish the job with his hand.                           
                                                            
50483 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tim Fisher               



But to Jim there was just no appealing,                     
As his eyes in his head started reeling.                    
Then with one massive shout,                                
His seed, it flew out,                                      
And made a small mark on the ceiling.                       
                                                            
50484 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES        Tim Fisher               



I can't find a babe who is fuckable                         
Or smiles with a mouth that is schmuckable.                 
I'd trade you my meter                                      
For your teeny peter.                                       
At least it is something that's suckable.                   
                                                            
50485 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



I've squeezed it inside a glass tube.                       
I've lathered on gallons of lube.                           
It never will fit.                                          
So fuck all this shit -                                     
I'll tuck it up under a boob.                               
                                                            
50486 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Girl's asses I love to give pinches                         
And they don't seem to mind. I mean that is                 
When they turn around                                       
Their jaws drop, dumbfound-                                 
Ed. Because I am sporting 12 inches.                        
                                                            
50487 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Wouldn't mind gettin' a pinch from you,                     
'Cause now I know what to do.                               
For a 12 inch dick,                                         
A mint's the trick,                                         
Makes lots of slippery goo!                                 
                                                            
50488 PENES - LARGE - ZSERIES                                 



Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!                             
Where, I say, have my ruler you put?                        
Now I can't know                                            
How long I can grow,                                        
But for my best guess?  A foot!                             
                                                            
50489 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man from the banks of the Po,                       
Found his cock had elongated so,                            
That when he would pee                                      
It was not only he,                                         
But all of his neighbors who'd know.                        
                                                            
50490 PENES - LONG                                       L0218



To his innocent bride said young Jack,                      
"Here's a prick which will pleasure your crack."            
But she said, "What's between us,                           
I would call it a penis,                                    
For a prick is much longer and black."                      
                                                            
50491 PENES - LONG                   Albin Chaplin            



There was a old critic named West,                          
Whose penis came up to his chest.                           
He said, "I declare,                                        
I have no pubic hair,"                                      
So he covered his nuts with his vest.                       
                                                            
50492 PENES - LONG                                       G2549



There was a young fellow whose dong,                        
Was prodigiously massive and long.                          
On each side of this whang,                                 
Two testes did hang,                                        
That attracted a curious throng.                            
                                                            
50493 PENES - LONG                                       L0157



There was a young fellow whose staff,                       
Was, in inches, some twelve and a half.                     
It was used as a cue,                                       
As a baseball bat, too,                                     
(Which always produced a good laugh).                       
                                                            
50494 PENES - LONG                   Isaac Asimov             



On Main Street at high noon in Dallas,                      
A young man unfurled his long phallus.                      
Girls ran amok                                              
Seeking a fuck.                                             
Others said, "Run or he'll ball us."                        
                                                            
50495 PENES - LONG                   Tom Patton          P9804



Said the man from Nantucket, "I'm sick                      
Of being asked 'Do you suck your prick?'                    
I'd rather my dong                                          
Were a quarter as long                                      
And, to compensate, four times as thick."                   
                                                            
50496 PENES - LONG                   CeeJay                   



A Southern Alberta Rotarian,                                
Was possessed of a long and a hairy 'un.                    
It was always erect                                         
And is why, we suspect,                                     
He was known as 'Bone-on the Calgarian'.                    
                                                            
50497 PENES - LONG                   Barrie Collins           



She said: "I am sorry to say,                               
That wasn't the biggest, no way!                            
That old geezer next door's                                 
Packing six inches more.                                    
Such a pity the bugger was gay."                            
                                                            
50498 PENES - LONG                   Frank                    



There was a young fellow from Lees,                         
Who handled his tool with great ease.                       
This continual friction                                     
Made his sex a mere fiction,                                
But the callus hangs down to his knees.                     
                                                            
50499 PENES - LONG                                       L1290



The limerick about the young man,                           
And the feats that his long pecker can                      
Perform in his mouth,                                       
Or in parts North or South,                                 
Does not include leading a band.                            
                                                            
50500 PENES - LONG                   Fredric Cohen       P8305



On guard by the bridge of Carquinez,                        
With his eyes on the evening star, Venus,                   
With the sky full of blimps,                                
And the town full of pimps,                                 
And an incredible length to his penis.                      
                                                            
50501 PENES - LONG                                       L1385



The skies loomed with impending storm.                      
To be nude in my house is my norm.                          
When she came for the census,                               
With one look reached concensus.                            
"My dear sir, you'll need the long form!"                   
                                                            
50502 PENES - LONG                   Travis Brasell           



There once was a young man, or course,                      
Who was explicitly hung like a horse.                       
When asked how it lengthened,                               
He said that it strengthened                                
By the use of centrifugal force!                            
                                                            
50503 PENES - LONG                   Chuck Sta                



The girls all flock around Finn                             
Because of his humorous grin.                               
As he serviced one lass                                     
With his cock up her ass,                                   
She said, "Go slow, You're tickling my chin!"               
                                                            
50504 PENES - LONG                   Stan                     



Floating idly one day in the air,                           
A circus performer named Blair,                             
Tied a sizable rock                                         
To the end of his cock,                                     
And shattered a balcony chair.                              
                                                            
50505 PENES - LONG                                       L1364



A modest young fellow named Dodd                            
Had over ten inches of rod.                                 
Although such a projection                                  
Never knew one rejection,                                   
He gave all the credit to God.                              
                                                            
50506 PENES - LONG                   Armand E Singer       326



The sex kitten gasped when friend Decker                    
Brought forth his long, red-headed pecker.                  
After one frightened glance  (She wailed, "It's a shock,)   
She pissed her pink pants,   (So much meat on a cock--)     
And cried, "Not for me, that cuntwrecker!"                  
                                                            
50507 PENES - LONG                                       G0307



There was a young lady named Pritchett,                     
Who had a diminutive twitchet.                              
He stuck in ten inches;         (When you got in her pants) 
She squealed, "How it pinches!  (She would moan in a trance)
Pray cut it in half, ere you bitch it."                     
(pitch it - makes more sense)                               
50508 PENES - LONG                                       G0424



An aptly named gent, Peter Long,                            
Was inordinately proud of his dong.                         
To a lady he'd boast,                                       
It was stiff as a post,                                     
But alas, poor Long's dong did him wrong.                   
                                                            
50509 PENES - LONG                   Karen B                  



A college professor named Klees                             
Had a whang which hung down to his knees.                   
When it bounced on the floor                                
He would beat is some more,                                 
Till it came with a hell of a wheeze.                       
                                                            
50510 PENES - LONG                                       G2153



There once was a man from Belize                            
Whose pecker hung down to his knees.                        
The gals all adored it,                                     
But him, he abhored it,                                     
For each time it stiffened, he'd sneeze.                    
                                                            
50511 PENES - LONG                   Lusty Limericks          



The screwing device of Buck Blast                           
Made the nudist camp members aghast...                      
For poor Buck had found                                     
That it dragged on the ground,                              
So he carries it now at half-mast.                          
                                                            
50512 PENES - LONG                   Grand Prix Lim  633      



"What to do?" said a lady distressed,                       
As a fifteen inch prick she caressed.                       
So he said to his date,                                     
"The first nine can be ate,                                 
And prepare to get fucked with the rest."                   
                                                            
50513 PENES - LONG                   Albin Chaplin            



There once was a young man named Randall,                   
Who had more than most girls could handle.                  
He'd often bisect 'em,                                      
Go right through the rectum,                                
Then at twenty yards piss out the candle.                   
                                                            
50514 PENES - LONG                                            



There was a young man, a Maltese,                           
Who could even screw horses with ease.                      
He'd flout natural laws                                     
In this manner because                                      
Of his dong, which hung down to his knees.                  
                                                            
50515 PENES - LONG                                       L0618



A stereo jock in Vancouver                                  
Had a two-channel, fifteen-inch woofer,                     
Overloading his wife                                        
In their sexual life,                                       
With an output sufficient for two of 'er.                   
                                                            
50516 PENES - LONG                   Hugh Oliver          106b



Under sands of Karakortum,                                  
Lies a horseman in a stone tomb.                            
Remembered in song                                          
For a sixteen-inch dong,                                    
His horse tripped on it; it was his doom!                   
                                                            
50517 PENES - LONG                   Phil T                   



I met a young man of Chungking,                             
Who had a very long thing.                                  
But you'll guess my surprise                                
When I found that its size,                                 
Just measured my third-finger ring!                         
                                                            
50518 PENES - LONG                                       L0142



I once knew a fellow named Rick                             
Who boasted of a fourteen inch prick.                       
But the girls all took flight                               
'Cause of snatches too tight,                               
To take such an enormous wick.                              
                                                            
50519 PENES - LONG                   Bob G                    



A dirty old man from the shore                              
Packed a hefty erection in store.                           
Its size was so big,                                        
That he started a SIG                                       
For those with ten inches or more.                          
(SIG - special interest group of Mensa)                     
50520 PENES - LONG                   Pedro J. Saavedra   P8208



"The length of your dong, my dear Earl,                     
Is enough to amaze any girl.                                
But it's thin as spaghetti,"                                
Said observant Aunt Betty.                                  
"Come here and I'll give it a twirl."                       
                                                            
50521 PENES - LONG                                            



A fellow I knew back in school                              
Had a lovely metallic-hued tool.                            
It was twelve inches long                                   
And we knew it was wrong,                                   
But we girls called it "The Golden Rule!"                   
                                                            
50522 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



After wondering the length of his dong,                     
Bill measured it and found it quite long.                   
Though shorter than Simon's,                                
It could penetrate hymens,                                  
And cause women to burst into song!                         
                                                            
50523 PENES - LONG                   Dohpaz                   



"Eight inches!", said Hugh with a sigh,                     
"You're dreaming!  I just wish that I                       
Could keep it that small.                                   
I'll stay in the hall,                                      
And just the far end I'll supply."                          
                                                            
50524 PENES - LONG                   John Miller              



There was a young flasher named Trout;                      
No wonder the women did shout;                              
As he stood on the edge                                     
Of a third-story ledge,                                     
His prick and his ballocks hung out.                        
                                                            
50525 PENES - LONG                   Armand E Singer       435



A well-endowed guy called Apollo,                           
Remarked as he larked in the hollow,                        
"Darling, my dong                                           
Is twelve inches long."                                     
Said his girl, "That's a hard one to swallow."              
                                                            
50526 PENES - LONG                   Anon                     



For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,                  
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:                   
He's endowed with a dong                                    
That is twelve inches long,                                 
So he wedges his foot in the door.                          
                                                            
50527 PENES - LONG                                            



Said a certain curmudgeon named Beecham,                    
"The ladies?  Be certain I'll teach 'em,                    
To do as I please;                                          
And if too far to seize,                                    
Never fear.  I've a part that will reach 'em."              
                                                            
50528 PENES - LONG                   Isaac Asimov             



In choosing the High King of Quong,                         
They'd measure the length of his dong.                      
If he's nagged by his harem,                                
The band plays to scare 'em,                                
And "God Save the Queen" is the song.                       
                                                            
50529 PENES - LONG                                       G0429



My cattle would all be in shock,                            
If I came to show you my cock;                              
But if you've no fear,                                      
Just come over here,                                        
And watch me pull it from my sock!                          
                                                            
50530 PENES - LONG                                            



There was a young fellow named Dutton,                      
Whose balls were the size of a button,                      
But he had a dong,                                          
Some ten inches long,                                       
But what could he do with it?  Nuttin'.                     
                                                            
50531 PENES - LONG                                       G0318



A theorem I want like Pythagorast                           
To be named after my ingeniast                              
Way to measure                                              
The length of my treasure                                   
From the length of the shadow my peni-cast                  
                                                            
50532 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A wench from the Lesser Antilles                            
Says dog fashion gives her the willies.                     
Except big long cocks                                       
That stay hard as rocks,                                    
But it's seldom she's fucked by such dillies.               
                                                            
50533 PENES - LONG                                       G0508



There was a young man from Maine,                           
Whose prick was a strong as a cane.                         
It was almost as long,                                      
So he strolled with his dong                                
Extended in sunshine and rain.                              
                                                            
50534 PENES - LONG                                       L0197



A hotblooded swordsman named Doyle,                         
Didn't fence quite according to Hoyle.                      
When challenged to duel,                                    
He would whip out his tool,                                 
Which he brandished about like a foil.                      
                                                            
50535 PENES - LONG                                       G2320



While playing strip poker with Kate                         
I noticed I'd gotten a straight.                            
But just to the six                                         
And Katie restricts                                         
Her folds to those having an eight.                         
                                                            
50536 PENES - LONG                   Anon                     



I prefer my screw quotidian                                 
To take place ante-meridian.                                
Sitting or standing,                                        
Flying or landing,                                          
With instrument long and ophidian.                          
                                                            
50537 PENES - LONG                   Sansuesi                 



An unquenchable strumpet cast an eye                        
For well endowed hunks, she'd sell a lie.                   
A limbless dwarf came,                                      
Saying, "You better be game!                                
I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"                             
                                                            
50538 PENES - LONG                   Bruce Thompson           



A chinatown hooker named Hong                               
Likes the dicks of her tricks to be long.                   
If you think these occasions                                
Are all with Caucasians,                                    
Then you haven't met Wally Wong.                            
                                                            
50539 PENES - LONG                   Chuck Davis         P9408



There once was a man named Dick Lonnecker,                  
Who was born with a monstrous donnicker.                    
The size of his tool                                        
Compared with a mule;                                       
Donkey Dick was Lonnecker's moniker!                        
                                                            
50540 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



After a bottle, a bang, and a bong,                         
I sang an unsavory song.                                    
"All these pleasures," I cried,                             
"Should not be denied                                       
To a man with a very long dong."                            
                                                            
50541 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A Yank engineer named Demeter                               
Was proud of his twelve-inch repeater.                      
He could not get a piece                                    
From a harlot in Nice,                                      
For the system they used was the meter.                     
                                                            
50542 PENES - LONG                   Albin Chaplin            



An old Jewish prophet named Moses,                          
Said, "A girl is a fool who supposes                        
That a man, as a rule,                                      
Can boast of a tool                                         
Proportionately long as his nose is."                       
                                                            
50543 PENES - LONG                                       P8207



A tommy I knew in Calcutty.                                 
Used plastic to line his left puttee.                       
So my question was begging,                                 
"Why line just one legging?"                                
He said, "So me dick don't get muddy."                      
                                                            
50544 PENES - LONG                   MrMalo                   



Said his dad to the lad from Nantucket,                     
"Son, your dick will soon grow, till with luck it           
Will hang down to the floor;                                
That'll help you to score,                                  
Or if not, you can stay home and suck it!"                  
                                                            
50545 PENES - LONG                   Ceejay                   



My girlfriend said once you've gone black                   
To white, you'll never go back.                             
The dongs are so long                                       
You will never go wrong                                     
In getting the best in the sack!                            
                                                            
50546 PENES - LONG                                            



There once was this man from Verdun;                        
Had the longest dick under the sun!                         
But it gave him no trouble,                                 
'Cause he never paid double                                 
For the same price of pussy as one!                         
                                                            
50547 PENES - LONG                   Laurence Craft           



A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,                         
Renowned for the length of the weenies.                     
The hair on their balls                                     
Sweeps the floors of their halls,                           
But they don't look at women, the meanies.                  
(So long are their things, They can use them as strings,)   
50548 PENES - LONG                                       L0244



A well-equipped fellow at school                            
Has the whole class admiring his tool.                      
This magnificent dong                                       
Is just twelve inches long,                                 
But he don't use it much -- as a rule.                      
                                                            
50549 PENES - LONG                                       G0445



A man with a prick of obsidian,                             
Of a length that was truly ophidian,                        
Was sufficiently gallant,                                   
To please girls with his talent,                            
Each day in the midpostmeridian.                            
(ophidian - snake-like, midpostmeridian - midafternoon)     
50550 PENES - LONG                   Isaac Asimov             



There once was a young man from Venus,                      
With an armbone as long as his penis.                       
I can't tell from this song,                                
If his boner was long,                                      
Or his arm was too short for his genus.                     
                                                            
50551 PENES - LONG                   Ken Kaufman              



For sex, our man Joe's always yelling.                      
At the sight of a breast's slightest swelling,              
He would pull out his cock,     (He wanks in his hanky)     
From the top of his sock,       (To prove he's a Yankee,)   
Then what he'd do next, there's no telling.                 
                                                            
50552 PENES - LONG                                       G2234



There once was a man named O'Hare                           
With eight inches and then some to spare.                   
So when fucking some twat,                                  
You could say that he got                                   
Twenty eight percent more than my share.                    
                                                            
50553 PENES - LONG                                            



A well endowed fellow called Skinner,                       
Got a girl, thought he'd found him a winner.                
But his dong was so long,                                   
And so strong, all went wrong,                              
When he found to the bed, he did pin her.                   
                                                            
50554 PENES - LONG                                            



A well-endowed lover named Walter,                          
In charging his girl, did not falter.                       
But he tripped on a stone,                                  
And instantly shone,                                        
As a great (accidental) pole vaulter.                       
                                                            
50555 PENES - LONG                   Isaac Asimov             



The ladies with Dave like to swing,                         
'Cause he has a very long thing;                            
Though slim as a pencil,                                    
It's very prehensile                                        
And quick satisfaction will bring.                          
                                                            
50556 PENES - LONG                   Chris Papa               



A learned young lady named Fong,                            
Learned all about men in Hong Kong.                         
She defined the word penis:                                 
There is nothing between us.                                
And a prick: "Something twelve inches long."                
                                                            
50557 PENES - LONG                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2052



There once was a mechanic named Bench,                      
Whose best tool was a sturdy rape-wrench.                   
With this vibrant device,                                   
He could reach, in a trice,                                 
The innermost parts of a wench.                             
                                                            
50558 PENES - LONG                                       L0129



A handsome young devil named Fred,                          
Could talk any girl into bed.                               
But his dick was so long,                                   
And incredibly strong,                                      
That most were left crippled or dead.                       
                                                            
50559 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl from Miami                           
Who dated a fellow named Sammy.                             
When Herb came along                                        
With a magnificent dong,                                    
She gave poor Sammy the whammy.                             
                                                            
50560 PENES - LONG                   Ralph T Rehwoldt    P2005



A dong like a rope had young Pruitt,                        
And throngs came for miles just to view it,                 
But it tangled a lot,                                       
Into such a hard knot,                                      
That it took a Scout Troop to undo it.                      
                                                            
50561 PENES - LONG                   Pierce Evans             



There was a man with a long dong;                           
She would scream because it was so long.                    
She was shocked to find                                     
It went up her behind,                                      
And was happy when she rang his gong.                       
                                                            
50562 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



The weatherman dated Miss Kay --                            
Eight inches she got in the hay.                            
Though her pussy was sore                                   
She requested some more,                                    
So she got one more inch the next day.                      
                                                            
50563 PENES - LONG                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2136



A young man with first name of Clay                         
Would spend time in the bathroom to play.                   
With hiccups so strong                                      
And his dick dangling long,                                 
He could siphon the water away.                             
                                                            
50564 PENES - LONG                   Tom Patton               



A long-peckered fellow named Slaughter                      
Wished to hell he'd been born a daughter:                   
If he hiccuped a bit                                        
While taking a shit,                                        
He siphoned the whole bowl of water.                        
                                                            
50565 PENES - LONG                                       G1454



When Tony was coming on strong,                             
And bragged on the size of his dong,                        
Young Bess, unimpressed,                                    
Said, "Mike is the best!                                    
He's been sitting on his all along!"                        
                                                            
50566 PENES - LONG                   Cubby                    



There once was a young man named Enos,                      
Who had a sixteen inch penis.                               
Two hookers named Claire,                                   
Said, "Sir, if we share,                                    
We'll still have eight inches between us."                  
                                                            
50567 PENES - LONG                                            



The wife of El Hassan the Turk,                             
Fell in love with a fellow named Burke.                     
When he got to the palace,                                  
So long was his phallus,                                    
He had to stand back from his work.                         
(must be historical because it does not make sense - McW)   
50568 PENES - LONG                                       G0475



There once was a well-hung machinist                        
Who danced with a cute little Venus.                        
"Please be careful," he said,                               
"When you step, where you tread.                            
That's twice now you've tromped on my penis."               
                                                            
50569 PENES - LONG                                       G0387



I had me a beauty last night.                               
My quim was so full of delight                              
And tight like a vise,                                      
I had to come thrice.                                       
Still pleasantly sore as I write.                           
                                                            
50570 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Another young man in our section,                           
He had an eternal erection.                                 
In his gay, carefree way                                    
He bought doughnuts each day,                               
Which he wore on his tool for protection.                   
                                                            
50571 PENES - LONG                                      G2501a



Said the lady to old butcher Carr,                          
"Your sausage is not up to par."                            
But his sausage went in,                                    
Till it tickled her chin,                                   
Which was stretching a good thing too far.                  
                                                            
50572 PENES - LONG                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0078



It's a pity that Casabianca                                 
Was using his tool as an anchor.                            
If he'd had it up higher,                                   
He'd have put out the fire;                                 
You never did see such a wanker.                            
                                                            
50573 PENES - LONG                   Victor Gray              



A sailor who slept in the sun,                              
Woke to find his fly-buttons undone.                        
He remarked with a smile,                                   
"Jesus Christ, a sundial!                                   
And now it's a quarter past one."                           
                                                            
50574 PENES - LONG                                       L0103



A cute wealthy girl from Cape Cod,                          
Has such a magnificent bod,                                 
She only puts out                                           
To men who have clout,                                      
Or those with a big ten-inch rod.                           
                                                            
50575 PENES - LONG                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Willy was kind of well-built,                           
You could tell by the tilt of his kilt.                     
It had a nice nudge,                                        
As you probably could judge;                                
It was ten inces long to the hilt!                          
                                                            
50576 PENES - LONG                   Bobby                    



He was brought up in Warsaw a prole,                        
Not overly smart on the whole,                              
But the prick of the guy                                    
Hug down to his thigh,                                      
So the whores nicknamed him the long Pole                   
                                                            
50577 PENES - LONG                   A. N. Wilkins       P8908



When I see a beautiful creature,                            
I know just the gambit to reach her:                        
I'll tell this sweet chick                                  
Of my 13-inch TV screen;   (dick)                           
It's really my only good feature.                           
                                                            
50578 PENES - LONG                   Norm Storer         P9911



There once was a man with a piddle                          
Thirteen inches long down the middle.                       
But his girlfriend was squat                                
With a four inch twat,                                      
So he'd fuck her three times and a little.                  
                                                            
50579 PENES - LONG                   MrMalo                   



There was a young man with one foot                         
Who had a very long root.                                   
If he used this peg                                         
As an extra leg,                                            
Is a question exceedingly moot.                             
                                                            
50580 PENES - LONG                                       L0162



I hate it when I stick mine in,                             
Then see the girl's big, silly grin;                        
She says that her smile                                     
Will last all the while,                                    
She feels my cock tickling her chin!                        
                                                            
50581 PENES - LONG                                            



A long-membered man of Oolong                               
Just love to tie knots in his dong.                         
What to you might seem frightful,                           
He claimed was delightful...                                
And WHO is to say he is wrong?                              
                                                            
50582 PENES - LONG                   Grand Prix Lim  194      



On vacation in Ulan Bator,                                  
I answered a knock at my door.                              
There stood a Mongol                                        
With a humongus dong all                                    
The way down his leg to the floor.                          
                                                            
50583 PENES - LONG                   Ericka                   



There was a young lady from Sydney,                         
Who had it rammed up to her kidney.                         
Then a man from Quebec                                      
Rammed it up to her neck.                                   
My!  He had a long one, didn't he?                          
                                                            
50584 PENES - LONG                                       L0350



There was a young fellow named Howard,                      
Who was thought to be magically powered.                    
His dick was so short                                       
Many thought it a wart,                                     
But when it stood up, it just towered.                      
                                                            
50585 PENES - LONG                                            



A carpenter, fresh out of school,                           
Had forgotten his principle tool.                           
But he said, "In the pinches,                               
I've got this twelve inches,                                
That I can substitute for a rule."                          
                                                            
50586 PENES - LONG                   Frank Ward          P9312



A good-old-boy Texan had sworn,                             
That he was the Texas Longhorn.                             
Then a Scotsman named Jock                                  
Showed him a twelve-inch cock,                              
And left the poor Texan forlorn.                            
                                                            
50587 PENES - LONG                   Donald Britain           



That super-cocked fellow, McDecker,                         
Is mighty damn proud of his pecker.                         
In sexual clinches                                          
His turgid twelve inches,                                   
A girl finds will nigh onto wreck her.                      
                                                            
50588 PENES - LONG                                       G0389



A well-endowed fellow named Melvin                          
Had a date with Georgina Spelvin.                           
She wasn't so tight,                                        
But try as he might,                                        
He just couldn't get his whole twelve in.                   
                                                            
50589 PENES - LONG                   Popsicle           TP9807



As a rule, a young sexy named Rose                          
Is more calm than you'd ever suppose,                       
But she did hit the fan                                     
When in old Cy ran                                          
And unravelled his twenty-inch hose!                        
                                                            
50590 PENES - LONG                   Grand Prix Lim  607      



The vicar of Chester-le-Street                              
Had a whang not far short of two feet.                      
He remarked rather smugly,                                  
"It gives all the ugly                                      
Old trout in my parish a treat."                            
(used as a pole or as a worm?- McW)                         
50591 PENES - LONG                                            



The dong of a fellow named Grable,                          
Was as pliant and long as a cable.                          
Each night while he ate,                                    
This confirmed reprobate,                                   
Would screw his wife under the table.                       
                                                            
50592 PENES - LONG                                       L1644



Ther was a young lady of Exeter,                            
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.               
One was even so brave,                                      
As to take out and wave,                                    
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.                  
                                                            
50593 PENES - LONG                                       L0031



There was a young man of Vinsizes,                          
Whose bollocks were different sizes.                        
His prick, when at ease,                                    
Hung down to his knees.                                     
Now what must it be when is rises?                          
                                                            
50594 PENES - LONG                   Norman Douglas      L0155



A red politician named Beria                                
Had a limb of such length that nary a                       
Girl that he tailed                                         
But woefully wailed,                                        
"You're up in the whooping cough area."                     
                                                            
50595 PENES - LONG                                       G0251



Expressing surprise at her shyness,                         
The butler said, "Your Royal Highness,                      
You'll find, beyond doubt,                                  
When my snake is stretched out,                             
It'll reach almost up to your sinus!"                       
                                                            
50596 PENES - LONG                   Grand Prix Lim  683      



A timid young wife of Kenosha                               
Was frightened her husband would squash her,                
So what did she do                                          
But shorten his screw ,                                     
By the use of a large metal washer.                         
                                                            
50597 PENES - LONG                   Hugh Oliver         A124A



I was wearing a speedo in Trent,                            
When some Girl Scouts ran up in a sprint;                   
They said "Mister, be kind,                                 
We are in a real bind;                                      
May we borrow that pole for our tent?"                      
                                                            
50598 PENES - LONG                   Travis Brasell           



There was a spry girl from Hong Kong                        
Who wouldn't let go for a song.                             
She'd steadily scan                                         
For the trace of a man                                      
Who could charge with a velly stlong plong.                 
                                                            
50599 PENES - LONG                   Bill Backe-Hansen   P8802



"Normal price--twenty bucks." Madame Rue                    
Said, "And short-cocked gents pay twenty-two.               
Eight inches: ten bucks.                                    
Nine inches: free fucks.                                    
Ten inches or more: we pay you!"                            
                                                            
50600 PENES - LONG                   Michael Weinstein   P9206



He excited the girl on the phone,                           
When he mentioned his thirteen inch bone.                   
"Though you're hung like a king"                            
She said, "I'll make a sling.                               
It'll never stand up on its own."                           
                                                            
50601 PENES - LONG                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



There was a young Chinaman, Chang,                          
Who had a gargantuan whang.                                 
Said he, "You just wait                                     
Till I reel it out straight,                                
And I'll give you the world's biggest bang!"                
                                                            
50602 PENES - LONG                                       G0289



The last time I trapped my poor dong,                       
I remember the suction was strong,                          
And confess the sensation                                   
Was worth the abrasion;                                     
And that's why my dong is so long!                          
                                                            
50603 PENES - LONG                                            



There once was a baker named Kevin,                         
Who was over ten inches when leven.                         
Women would say                                             
In a breathless way,                                        
That eleven from Kevin was Heaven!                          
                                                            
50604 PENES - LONG                   Yeast Infection          



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
All the Martians are hitting the bars.                      
With 30 foot schlongs,                                      
Nothing can go wrong,                                       
'Cause they all like to screw from afar.                    
                                                            
50605 PENES - LONG - LONGER          DButt                    



Though her thigh rubbed at just the right angle,            
My dingle continued to dangle.                              
So I don't know why                                         
It popped out of my fly,                                    
Where it lay on the ground in a tangle.                     
                                                            
50606 PENES - LONG - LONGER          John Miller              



That beautiful lady, Culard,                                
Said, "Men can earn all our regard.                         
My man has a cock                                           
As hard as a rock,                                          
And in length, it is almost a yard!"                        
                                                            
50607 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0302



Voir le jeune matelot de Quebec,                            
With a dong that hung down to the deck;                     
So to keep it from harm,                                    
And to keep himself warm,                                   
He just wound it around at the neck.                        
                                                            
50608 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Keith MacMillan       41b



A farmer I know named O'Doole,                              
Has a long and incredible tool.                             
He can use it to plow,                                      
Or to diddle a cow,                                         
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.                             
                                                            
50609 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L0206



My new pharmaceutical rep                                   
Sells vitamins that give me pep;                            
They made my dong grow;                                     
It hangs down so low,                                       
I now have to watch where I step!                           
                                                            
50610 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Travis                   



There once was a voyeur named Tom,                          
Whose dick was incredibly long.                             
While watching a tryst,                                     
He made his thing twist,                                    
And blew himself out on the lawn.                           
                                                            
50611 PENES - LONG - LONGER          J Fitts                  



There once was a fellow named Eric                          
Who truly was quite esoteric;                               
At last year's election                                     
He got an erection                                          
Extending from Blue Point to Merrick.                       
                                                            
50612 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



There once was a fellow named Pete,                         
Whose privates hung down to his feet.                       
When she asked him to dance,                                
It fell out of his pants                                    
And bounced on the floor to the beat.                       
                                                            
50613 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Brad                     



A fellow I had once when young;                             
Who was extremely well hung;                                
We were havin' a whack                                      
When I felt something crack;                                
Broken ribs tore a hole in my lung.                         
                                                            
50614 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Bangkok                          
Who boasted the lengthiest cock.                            
When asked to impress                                       
He wouldn't undress;                                        
But just point to the bulge in his sock.                    
                                                            
50615 PENES - LONG - LONGER          SFA                      



Miss Applebee's brother, Bernard,                           
His member is generally hard.                               
She said to her bro,                                        
If you want to show                                         
Your pole, why not charge by the yard.                      
                                                            
50616 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



There's also a guy I was poking                             
So fast and hot, we were smoking.                           
Gadzooks what a schlong,                                    
At least two foot long,                                     
But we had to stop - I was choking.                         
                                                            
50617 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Jim Weaver Collection    



A fruiterer, out of Wascana,                                
Grew the world's most expansive banana.                     
He could normally swell                                     
Way beyond Fort Qu'Appelle                                  
And when specially roused, to Montana!                      
                                                            
50618 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Keith MacMillan       86a



There was a young man in Hong Kong,                         
Who grew seven fathoms of prong.                            
It looked, when erect,                                      
About as you'd expect,                                      
When coiled, it did not seem so long.                       
                                                            
50619 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L1439



The penis of long-peckered Baste,                           
He keeps neatly coiled 'round his waist.                    
When a girl shows affection,                                
He uncoils in erection,                                     
And she's knocked galley-west by his haste!                 
                                                            
50620 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0247



A filthy young boy in Manuka                                
Used his private appendage for snooker,                     
Till a waitress came by                                     
And unsettled his eye                                       
By pretending his cue was a hookah.                         
                                                            
50621 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Roger Ley                



The reason he had so much charm,                            
His dong was as long as your arm.                           
But no girl complained                                      
Or was unduly pained,                                       
For they said that it couldn't do harm.                     
                                                            
50622 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Jim Weaver Collection    



I've searched and I've searched 'round the clock            
To find me a super-sized jock;                              
But since they're not sold,                                 
(Or so I am told),                                          
I'll stuff my long dong down my sock!                       
                                                            
50623 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



True, nurses don't do it for me;                            
A well-hung hunk I'd rather see.                            
But, elephant size?                                         
Now, that's telling lies!                                   
It shouldn't hang down past the knee.                       
                                                            
50624 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



A well-endowed man who's named Thor,                        
Caught his prick in the elevator door.                      
He felt a good whack                                        
when it picked up the slack                                 
As it reached the eleventh floor.                           
                                                            
50625 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Fabrika Lims             



There was a young Turkish cadet,                            
And this is the damnedest one yet.                          
His tool was so long,                                       
And incredibly strong,                                      
He could bugger six Greeks 'en brochette'.                  
                                                            
50626 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L0351



There was a young fellow from Juilliard                     
With a penis that measured a full yard.                     
The girls whispered and leered                              
And most of them cheered,                                   
Whenever he ran through the schoolyard.                     
                                                            
50627 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Isaac Asimov             



The women out west often prattle                            
'Bout a fireman who lives in Seattle.                       
They say that his hose                                      
Hangs half-way to his toes;                                 
It's great for big girls and small cattle.                  
                                                            
50628 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



There was a young lad, Peter Flagon,                        
With a long dick, always a-draggin'.                        
It scraped in the dirt                                      
And started to hurt,                                        
So he hauled it around in a wagon.                          
                                                            
50629 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Snakespeare              



There once was a boy from Toulouse,                         
Whose prick was very long and loose.                        
And when he went to a dance,                                
He would not take a chance,                                 
But slide the head into his shoes.                          
                                                            
50630 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Peter Wilkins            



Book a room in a local hotel                                
'Cause I'm feeling as funky as hell.                        
Stay a minute with me,                                      
And then you will see                                       
That I'm hung like a donkey as well.                        
                                                            
50631 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Peter Wilkins            



There once was a fellow named Feeney                        
Who sported a really long weenie,                           
Which climbed up his chest,                                 
Out of the top of his vest,                                 
Then he wrapped up the rest in his beanie.                  
                                                            
50632 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Cap'n Bean          P0206



There once was a boy from Toulouse,                         
Whose prick was very long and loose.                        
And when he went to dance,                                  
He would not take his chance,                               
But slid the head inside his shoes.                         
                                                            
50633 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



Little old Johnny Wong                                      
Had an arm incredibly strong.                               
He jacked off all day                                       
And that is, so they say,                                   
Why his dick was two foot long!                             
                                                            
50634 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Lazy Geezer              



There was a young fellow named Jerry,                       
Whose prick was the longest in Kerry.                       
When he came to a stream,                                   
He would lower his beam,                                    
And skim folks across like a ferry.                         
                                                            
50635 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0369



A man once from old Tel Aviv,                               
Kept his pecker and balls up his sleeve.                    
A nice friendly man;                                        
Take care shaking hands,                                    
Or a handful of semen receive.                              
                                                            
50636 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man in the choir,                         
Whose penis rose higher and higher,                         
Till it reached such a height,                              
It was quite out of sight--                                 
But of course you know I'm a liar.                          
                                                            
50637 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L0281



If lying can make your dick grow,                           
I'd better be letting you know.                             
It gives me no pleasure.                                    
(I'll just take this measure.)                              
My God! It's a meter or so!                                 
                                                            
50638 PENES - LONG - LONGER          PeterW                   



There once was a fellow named Mose;                         
His fame was a really long nose.                            
Pinocchio's equal,                                          
This was the sequel;                                        
When he lies with women, it grows.                          
                                                            
50639 PENES - LONG - LONGER          DM                       



There once was a haughty old Baronet,                       
With a prick twice as long as a clarinet.                   
If the thing ever dangled,                                  
'Twould be stepped on and mangled,                          
So he kept it tucked inside a hairy-net.                    
                                                            
50640 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Isaac Asimov             



The donkey who roams on the heath,                          
Is fitted with enormous great teeth,                        
Long ears and a dick                                        
That's as long and as thick                                 
As mine, if you look underneath.                            
                                                            
50641 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Tiddy Ogg                



One day, in the villiage of Hope,                           
The bell-fixer, Mr Bob Pope,                                
At work in the spire,                                       
Became the town crier,                                      
When they thought his dong was the rope.                    
                                                            
50642 PENES - LONG - LONGER          SFA                      



The news went from Aix unto Ghent,                          
About this remarkable gent.                                 
At Christmas they went                                      
For to measure its length,                                  
And were less than halfway during lent.                     
                                                            
50643 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



There was an Old Man of Coblenz,                            
The length of whose thing was immense;                      
It went off with one jerk                                   
From Calais to Dunkirk;                                     
A regular Maginot Fence.                                    
                                                            
50644 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Edwardian Leer 067       



There was a young man from Salinas,                         
Who had an extremely long penis.                            
Believe it or not,                                          
When he lay on his cot,                                     
It reached from Marin to Martinez.                          
(He'd deflower the Straits of Carquinez.)                   
50645 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L0224



A Texan quite boastful and callous                          
Belittled his brother's small phallus;                      
Then he bragged of his own,                                 
Claiming, "When it's full grown,                            
It extends from McKinney to Dallas."                        
                                                            
50646 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Cap'n Bean          P0112



I fought all my life in the trenches;                       
Lost count of my flings with the wenches.                   
There's no match for my strength,                           
Nor my dick and its length,                                 
'Cause its measured in feet, not in inches!                 
                                                            
50647 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Travis Brasell           



Your rhyme may not be what bewitches                        
Or cause libidinous twitches.                               
Far more apt than your ode                                  
May be when you unload                                      
That meter you have in your britches.                       
                                                            
50648 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Bob Giandomenico    P8807



Though lacking, when soft, quite a yard,                    
Condolences I'll disregard.                                 
For I treasure the pleasure                                 
I get beyond measure                                        
From a meter of peter when hard.                            
                                                            
50649 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



A gentleman name of Bouchard,                               
Whose cock measured more than a yard,                       
Said, "Life is a bitch!                                     
The length makes it itch,                                   
So the damned thing is constantly hard!"                    
                                                            
50650 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Evelyn L                 



The man with the world's largest penis                      
Took his bride to a Doctor McEnus.                          
He said, "You know 'bout me schlonger,                      
Can ye make me wife longer?                                 
I want nothing should e'er come between us!"                
                                                            
50651 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Kristen Coughlin         



My new girlfriend I longed for to screw;                    
She said NO, you have not a clue.                           
To satisfy me,                                              
You need 10 inches plus 3!                                  
Cut 6 inches off!  Not for you!                             
                                                            
50652 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



I once had a man, who when hard                             
Sported thirty-six inches -- a yard.                        
But he left me cold                                         
Without cuddle or hold;                                     
May as well have been a lump of lard.                       
                                                            
50653 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Arden                    



Said the union leader from Leeds:                           
"Our picket-line's all a strike needs.                      
But don't use your prick                                    
As a picket-line stick.                                     
It draws too much attention -- and bleeds."                 
                                                            
50654 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8701



There once was a fellow named Gumper                        
Who possessed a magnificent thumper.                        
He could smoke a cigar                                      
In the back of a car,                                       
While boffing a broad on the bumper.                        
                                                            
50655 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Bob Giandomenico    P8809



Since you promise to give me all nine                       
Inches of that which is so divine,                          
Your succulent sweet,                                       
Whole meter of meat,                                        
Then of course hon, I'll happily sign.                      
                                                            
50656 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



I won the prick contest again;                              
Biggest cock there ever has been.                           
"More!" I heard 'em shout,                                  
But I'd not let it all out;                                 
Only half - 'twas enough to win.                            
                                                            
50657 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



Long ago I picked up a whore.                               
"I charge by the inch, for sure."                           
"Two inches; my treasure."                                  
"Just how do you measure?"                                  
And my reply was, "From the floor!"                         
                                                            
50658 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



I'm awed at what my schlong can do;                         
For instance, when I'm boffing Sue,                         
It exits her mouth,                                         
And dives again south,                                      
Then drives itself up her ass, too!                         
                                                            
50659 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



There was an old man with a nose,                           
Who said, "If you chose to suppose                          
That my nose is too long,                                   
You should see my dong,                                     
And how over the shoulder it goes.                          
                                                            
50660 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Edwardian Leer 062       



The penis of Ethelbert Nevin,                               
When on earth measured just inches seven.                   
But when he reached Hell                                    
It started to swell,                                        
And the head of it now pierces Heaven!                      
                                                            
50661 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0413



There was a young man named Pete,                           
Who was a bit indescreet.                                   
He pulled on his dong                                       
Till it grew very long,                                     
And actually dragged in the street.                         
                                                            
50662 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L1320



The penis of Grandfather Lynch                              
As a clothesline is used, in a pinch.                       
On the days his wife washes,                                
He dons pipe and galoshes,                                  
And reels the thing out with a winch.                       
                                                            
50663 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Grand Prix Lim  836 G0386



A buddy who's nicknamed Big Pete                            
Can perform a most magical fete.                            
With a laugh and a chuckle,                                 
He undoes his belt buckle,                                  
And his penis rolls out to his feet.                        
                                                            
50664 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Karl Sydney              



He had to go with his friends to eat                        
And his dick was about 7 feet                               
He wrapped it 'round his thigh                              
And went walking; what a guy!                               
But there he hid it under his seat.                         
                                                            
50665 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



There was a young man from Hong Kong                        
Whose pecker was seven feet long.                           
By careful recursion,                                       
He'd engage in perversion                                   
With a gay, two girls and a gong.                           
                                                            
50666 PENES - LONG - LONGER          John Miller 0137a        



There once was a man from Hong Kong                         
Whose pecker was seven foot long.                           
He said with a smile,                                       
"Let me strum it awhile,                                    
While my wife entertains with a song."                      
                                                            
50667 PENES - LONG - LONGER          John Miller              



A lusty old guy from Lahore                                 
Had a penis of six feet or more.                            
You'd think he'd be glad                                    
But instead he was sad--                                    
He could use but the first three or four.                   
                                                            
50668 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0378



A young guy who hails from St. Peters,                      
Had balls which contained sixty litres.                     
They called him a wimp,                                     
'Cause he walked with a limp,                               
But his cock, it measured six meters.                       
                                                            
50669 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



Though when she reads this, she'll frown,                   
I made the girls go to town.                                
I kept them not lonely,                                     
Although I am only                                          
As tall standing up as lying down.                          
                                                            
50670 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



A buxom young girl named McLoutch                           
Was screwed by a man on her couch.                          
He was robust and strong,                                   
With a pecker so long                                       
When he walked, he would step on it -- OUCH!                
                                                            
50671 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Albin Chaplin   3024-0538



There once was a young man named Rick,                      
Who had a ten-foot prick.                                   
He showed it to the neighbor next door.                     
She thought it was a snake.                                 
She hit it with a rake.                                     
Now it's only four-foot-four.                               
50672 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



A Jazz-bandsman had such massive sacs,                      
They took all the room in his slacks.                       
His dong was so long,                                       
He could drum to a song,                                    
When he stood up to play tenor sax.                         
                                                            
50673 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Hamilton Zealand         



"These SPAM adverts all can't be wrong,"                    
I thought, and applied to my dong                           
Pills, patches and creams;                                  
They all worked, it seems.                                  
The damn thing is now 30 feet long.                         
                                                            
50674 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Tiddy Ogg                



That lovely young lady, Culard,                             
Met a man who prick measured a yard.                        
Although he was black                                       
She would lie on her back                                   
As long as nine inches were hard.                           
                                                            
50675 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0556



You've seen penile ads on the line;                         
Well I've tried them all, upon mine.                        
The trouble, my friend,                                     
It won't cease to extend;                                   
Now I must skewer three at a time.                          
                                                            
50676 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Tony Burrell             



So you guys who claim up to a meter,                        
Just what do you do with your peter                         
To stay in control                                          
When it snakes down the hole,                               
Or mingles with shit by the liter?                          
                                                            
50677 PENES - LONG - LONGER          John Miller              



There was a young fellow of Strensall,                      
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.                       
On the night of his wedding,                                
It went through the bedding,                                
And shattered a bedroom utensil.                            
                                                            
50678 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L0242



I woke up one hot summer morn                               
And found, with that curse, I was born;                     
But I'm not remorseful,                                     
It fills my ol' horseful,                                   
And ties around my saddle's horn.                           
                                                            
50679 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



In the temple they prize Brother Wong,                      
Whose wang is a dozen feet long!                            
It can ring all the bells,                                  
And whenever it swells,                                     
It's quite handy for bonging the gong!                      
                                                            
50680 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Vassar W. Smith     P9304



The boners of Bernie McRose                                 
Could not be concealed by his clothes;                      
For when they got hard,                                     
They grew more than a yard,                                 
And they rose to the tip of his nose.                       
                                                            
50681 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Cap'n Bean          P0111



Excuse my quick outburst, oh please!                        
My brain is composed of Swiss cheese.                       
I had no idea                                               
That I'd ever see a                                         
Guy hung like you are, to the knees!                        
                                                            
50682 PENES - LONG - LONGER          SFA                      



Cried a long-peckered person named Ed,                      
"I hate fucking flat on a bed.                              
With my twenty-inch tool,                                   
I look like a fool                                          
For I'm up near the ceiling, instead!"                      
                                                            
50683 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0320



The joyprong on Ichabod Creep                               
Makes trollops he trafficks with weep.                      
His twenty-inch tool                                        
Gets small use, as a rule,                                  
For you find damn few whores half that deep!                
                                                            
50684 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0300



No wonder that man of Devizes                               
Is the winner of so many prizes.                            
His staff, when at ease,                                    
Goes twice 'round his knees,                                
And it tickles his chin when it rises!                      
                                                            
50685 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0311



There was a young man from Gomorrah,                        
Whose cock was two cubits or morrah.                        
Though not welcome in Sodom,                                
What really got him                                         
Was rejection by every last whorah.                         
                                                            
50686 PENES - LONG - LONGER          John Miller 0137b        



There was a young man from St. Peters,                      
Whose dong measured fully two meters.                       
Just one thing was wrong,                                   
This magnificent prong                                      
Played only a few local theaters.                           
                                                            
50687 PENES - LONG - LONGER          John Miller 0137a        



There once was a man, name of Peter                         
Whose prick was just short of a metre.                      
When wanting to ball,                                       
An assistant on call                                        
Was needed to help just to feed her.                        
                                                            
50688 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Onewayout                



There once was a hunk from Hong Kong,                       
Whose peter was two meters long,                            
Which he handled so slick,                                  
He could enter a chick                                      
'Neath the hem of her floor length sarong.                  
                                                            
50689 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Jon Gearhart             



This winter I plan to be bold                               
And hang it out, fully unrolled,                            
And see if I gets                                           
To win a few bets,                                          
In spite of the wind and the cold.                          
                                                            
50690 PENES - LONG - LONGER                                   



There was a young Commonwealth copper                       
Whose pride was a really fine whopper.                      
Twice 'round the bed,                                       
Then over his head,                                         
And then up his arse for a stopper.                         
                                                            
50691 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0299



A minstrel, a wonderful bard,                               
When aroused, was known to get hard.                        
He could hammer a nail,                                     
Or skewer a quail,                                          
Or hang clothes on it out in the yard.                      
                                                            
50692 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Stan                     



A contortionist hailing from Lynch,                         
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.                      
A foot cost a quid,                                         
He could and he did                                         
Stretch into three in a pinch.                              
                                                            
50693 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              L0189



On the bridge they got out of their Jeep,                   
And unzipped without nary a peep.                           
One with ego quite bold,                                    
Claimed the water was cold;                                 
The other said, "Yeah, and it's deep!"                      
                                                            
50694 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Dundee                           
Whose penis drooped down to his knee.                       
All the whores were impressed                               
As it rose past his chest,                                  
And allowed him to fuck them for free.                      
                                                            
50695 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Anon                     



My inches are now sixty four;                               
To drag it around is a chore.                               
It's one saving grace                                       
Is back at my place,                                        
I've taught it to open the door                             
                                                            
50696 PENES - LONG - LONGER          SFA                      



An Abo his tribesmen all toast,                             
Has a penis so long he can boast,                           
It will glide out alone                                     
Late at night on its own,                                   
Seducing young girls of the coast.                          
                                                            
50697 PENES - LONG - LONGER                              G0468



A Goliath of Pine Island Sound                              
Had a dong that would drag on the ground,                   
So he carried it high,                                      
Unconstrained by a fly,                                     
Wound around...and around...and around...                   
                                                            
50698 PENES - LONG - LONGER          Keith MacMillan     A036A



A Chinese coolie named Wong                                 
Had the longest dong in his tong.                           
His fellows all voted                                       
To have him promoted,                                       
And used it for striking a gong.                            
                                                            
50699 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                             G0494



So here was this fellow named Wong,                         
Attached to this monstrous great dong.                      
Said his girl, "Yes, your prick                             
Is remarkedly thick,                                        
But why must it be so darned long."                         
                                                            
50700 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                             G0495



An Alaskan and Tex had drunk masses                         
Of beer in the largest of glasses.                          
Going home, they said, "We                                  
Ought to stop for a pee."                                   
On a bridge they sat down on their asses.                   
                                                            
50701 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Stan Armstrong           



The Texan was such a big creep,                             
Telling tales that were awfully steep.                      
"We must really be bold,                                    
This water is cold!"                                        
But his buddy said, "Yeah, but not deep."                   
                                                            
50702 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Stan Armstrong           



Friday night at the club, Miss Diane                        
Made it known that she wanted a man.                        
We all sprang to our feet,                                  
Each inflating his meat,                                    
But I lost her to Dan by a span                             
                                                            
50703 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Lotho Baggins            



A loss like that cuts like a knife                          
And causes a feller much strife;                            
But don't worry, son,                                       
Go on and have fun:                                         
I'm takin' good care of your wife.                          
                                                            
50704 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Travis Brasell           



Two Bros, after drinking some beer,                         
Took a whiz off the end of the pier.                        
One Bro said "Mother!                                       
Water's cold!" Said the other,                              
"And the bottom is muddy, too, here."                       
                                                            
50705 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         John Miller 0007a        



(Just in case you are one of the few                        
Who don't get the joke on these two:                        
Both men are bragging                                       
'Bout how much they're dragging;                            
How they knew what they knew is a clue.)                    
                                                            
50706 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         John Miller 0007b        



I was born with a slight birth defect;                      
A penis that when it's erect                                
Was longer by three                                         
Inches than me.                                             
And which no one saw fit to correct.                        
                                                            
50707 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Paul Boston              



It's a big one and make no mistake,                         
About twenty four inches, give or take.                     
It's difficult to sit                                       
Without sitting on it,                                      
And erections give me a headache.                           
                                                            
50708 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Paul Boston              



You'd think it was some sort of crime                       
Having a peis like mine.                                    
The last whore I tried                                      
Took one look and cried,                                    
"I'll charge by the foot, not the time!"                    
                                                            
50709 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Paul Boston              



An aptly named fellow named Lance                           
Was perpetually bulging his pants.                          
It was too painful to ride;                                 
Walking injured his pride.                                  
He retired to farming in France,                            
                                                            
50710 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Stephen Ross             



With his perpetually priapic tool                           
That had once made him feel like a fool,                    
He could furrow the fields                                  
For enormous yields,                                        
And need neither harness nor mule.                          
                                                            
50711 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Stephen Ross             



She said, "He is handsome and smart,                        
And sports a tremendous long part.                          
I love him to death,                                        
But can't catch my breath                                   
Whenever he tickles my heart.                               
                                                            
50712 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         H Whelchel               



When tickling her heart with my futcheon,                   
She barely can breathe, I've so much in.                    
She can't cry or speak,                                     
Much less poop or leak,                                     
And farting is out of the question.                         
                                                            
50713 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         H Whelchel               



Some people now think I just brag                           
About my long dong that I drag                              
Or use when Ms. Dole                                        
Says, "Bring over that pole;                                
We need it for hoisting the flag!"                          
                                                            
50714 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Travis Brasell           



You run up the flag, I'll salute.                           
Since my eyesight is not too acute,                         
My dear, but I'm glad,                                      
Though it makes you sad,                                    
That your flagpole's so very minute.                        
                                                            
50715 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Marlene Lewis            



I offer this brief explanation                              
With hope it will end speculation,                          
About my own whereabouts                                    
A fortnight or thereabouts,                                 
Lest morons are thinking: "Vacation?"                       
                                                            
50716 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Travis Brasell           



While digging, in June, a new well,                         
I tripped on my dick and I fell                             
Inside the deep hole                                        
And, Oh!, bless my soul,                                    
The landing, of course, hurt like hell.                     
                                                            
50717 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Travis Brasell           



But being a quick-witted bard,                              
I stroked my dick, making it hard.                          
And when it was primed,                                     
I climbed and I climbed                                     
Its shaft until I reached my yard.                          
                                                            
50718 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Travis Brasell           



Last night, friends, I finished my climb                    
And tell of it, humbly in rhyme,                            
That simply bespeaks                                        
Of what I, for weeks,                                       
Have done in the passing of time.                           
                                                            
50719 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Travis Brasell           



I was born with an 18 foot cock;                            
The nurses were all on my jock.                             
I had it all made;                                          
With me they all played.                                    
Like geese, all females loved to flock                      
                                                            
50720 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Dick Churtz              



Dear, Sir, if this really were true                         
You would NEVER find someone to screw.                      
Is it 12, or 18?                                            
(What the hell, its YOUR dream)                             
Perhaps, you can use it on YOU.                             
                                                            
50721 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Dick Churtz              



A twelve foot cock is way too long;                         
You'd never have me on that dong.                           
I'll settle for Peter,                                      
And his measly meter;                                       
I think you best lay off that bong!                         
                                                            
50722 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Dick Churtz              



I can't say I wrote this lim sober;                         
I measured it last in October.                              
You have lots to say                                        
And don't believe me but Hey!                               
Why not have your girlfriend bend over.                     
                                                            
50723 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Dick Churtz              



This lim has made me feel sick,                             
'Cause I have but four inches of dick.                      
But the ladies do grin                                      
When I put it in,                                           
'Cause most women like it that thick.                       
                                                            
50724 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Dick Churtz              



If my cock was twelve inches, you see,                      
Then a most famous porn star I'd be.                        
Day and night I'd fill hole,                                
With my big mighty pole,                                    
And I'd also make lots of money.                            
                                                            
50725 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



No livestock or men would I shag,                           
(The diseases are surely a drag)                            
But me pounding tail                                        
Of every female,                                            
Would be featured in every porn mag.                        
                                                            
50726 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



A keyboard can be used to measure                           
The length of the organ of pleasure,                        
That men take in hand                                       
And feel rather grand,                                      
As they lovingly massage that treasure.                     
                                                            
50727 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



Place penis on top row of keys,                             
And start at the left, if you please.                       
Now Trav's may reacch E,                                    
And Peter reach T,                                          
But for me?  I run out of keys.                             
                                                            
50728 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



I go out of town in the car,                                
Lie down in the back; see how far                           
Up an old five bar gate                                     
It'll reach.  I can state                                   
That I'll usually reach the top bar.                        
                                                            
50729 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



I tried that technique in my youth,                         
With the aid and assistance of Ruth.                        
From the left it reached E;                                 
That's the E after C;                                       
At the right of her piano, forsooth.                        
                                                            
50730 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



She snickered while I did undress;                          
This gal was so hard to impress.                            
So proudly I stood...                                       
'Til she said "That's no good!"                             
"I'm needing nine inches, no less!"                         
                                                            
50731 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



There was no way she'd be appeased;                         
She said no, as the moment you seized?                      
She for her clinches                                        
Required nine inches?                                       
Good grief she is easily pleased!                           
                                                            
50732 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



A lad with an eighteen inch penis,                          
By nurses was fed intravenous                               
Viagra nonstop,                                             
So each one could hop                                       
Aboard without him losing keenness.                         
                                                            
50733 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



I have to admit with a sigh                                 
And regret that that lad wasn't I;                          
For those nurses just giggle,                               
And wiggle and jiggle                                       
Their bosoms and thighs and say 'Hi'.                       
                                                            
50734 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



A scot from the valley of Clyde,                            
Proclaimed to the world with great pride:                   
"My pecker's so long                                        
And incredibly strong,                                      
Six pigeons can perch side by side."                        
                                                            
50735 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Bluebird           TP9807



"My dear, at the grape you've been nipping.                 
Your vision has just gone a-tripping.                       
The truth is, my pet,                                       
Only three birds can set,                                   
And the third one, his foot keeps on slipping.              
                                                            
50736 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Bluebird           TP9807



Caramoja's a Ugandan clan,                                  
Where each and every young man,                             
Ties weights to his dong                                    
And tries to elong-                                         
Ate it. "Hung to the knee" is the plan.                     
                                                            
50737 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



I think that you've got it all wrong ...                    
I wouldn't tie weights to MY dong!                          
It stretches just great                                     
Without any weight,                                         
And I hold it all up with a thong.                          
                                                            
50738 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



There once was a boy from Hong Kong,                        
Who'd a dong fourteen inches long.                          
Yes, it's hard to believe,                                  
He was hung to his knee,                                    
And he named it "What-a-ding What-a-dong!"                  
                                                            
50739 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



Yes, the women had fits there, of sorts,                    
When it would hang out from under his shorts.               
He impressed all their twats,                               
When he tied it in knots,                                   
And plumbed in-and-out of their ports.                      
                                                            
50740 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES                                  



There was a young man from Tashkent,                        
Whose dick was so long that he sent                         
It down through the floor                                   
To find the Earth's core,                                   
While searching for oil as it went.                         
                                                            
50741 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Tiddy                    



The news went for Aix unto Ghent,                           
About this remarkable gent.                                 
At Christmas they went                                      
For to measure its length                                   
And were less than halfway during Lent.                     
                                                            
50742 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Tiddy                    



If there were just twelve inches more,                      
Good God!  Wouldn't that make you sore?                     
Is that twelve in two sixes,                                
Or some sort of mixes?                                      
Do you think you are up to the chore?                       
                                                            
50743 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         John Miller              



Today, twice, and twelve inches coming?                     
I'd think that would plug up your plumbing.                 
And ruin your back                                          
Or cause heart attack...                                    
Is that Frosty the Snowman you're humming?                  
                                                            
50744 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         John Miller              



A well-endowed blind man named Zane,                        
As a traveller, was cocky and vain.                         
While walking along,                                        
He'd whip out his schlong,                                  
As it made quite a memorable cane.                          
                                                            
50745 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         David Goldfield          



At last, though, he had to refrain;                         
The thing once got stuck in a drain,                        
And also the dog                                            
Would piss on his log,                                      
And cleaning their shit was a pain.                         
                                                            
50746 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



To his dog, his wank he would tether.                       
Then one day in bitter cold weather,                        
The pooch yanked to break free,                             
Now he's hung to his knee,                                  
With a needle dick of old leather.                          
                                                            
50747 PENES - LONG - ZSERIES         Goin2later               



Stormy night at the royal palace:                           
When the Queen, in a moment of malice,                      
Filled her cunt up with acid                                
And lay there quite placid,                                 
Dissolving His Majesty's phallus.                           
                                                            
50748 PENES - LOST                                       G2042



Did you hear about Tommy O'Shea?                            
He went for a roll in the hay                               
With the little old lady                                    
Of Seamus O'Grady;                                          
They just found his penis today.                            
                                                            
50749 PENES - LOST                                            



There was a young man of St. Paul's,                        
Who dreamt of Niagara Falls.                                
When he woke the next day,                                  
It was "Anchors Aweigh"                                     
For his penis, his ass, and his balls.                      
                                                            
50750 PENES - LOST                                       G2049



The bride said, "I'll love you forever,                     
Though your dick, the doc had to sever.                     
Instead of your dong,                                       
Please hon, use your tongue;                                
It's better to be ate than never."                          
                                                            
50751 PENES - LOST                                            



A careless young coot named Magee                           
Said, "The things that can happen to me!                    
I left my girl shocker                                      
In a bus station locker,                                    
And now I have lost the damn key!"                          
                                                            
50752 PENES - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  332      



I just found out I was defamed;                             
My statue is now severely maimed.                           
As you can now see                                          
That I cannot pee;                                          
'Cause my penis is gone, they exclaimed.                    
                                                            
50753 PENES - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



An anatomy student at Yale                                  
Sliced off many a cadaverous tail.                          
Carefully pickling each clyde                               
In formaldehyde,                                            
He discovered they have little sale.                        
                                                            
50754 PENES - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  297 G1519



Oh woe! Oh disaster! Oh dear!                               
Oh my Petal, I fear that my spear                           
Has dropped off in the night                                
And has rolled out of sight;                                
Will you help me to search for it, dear?                    
                                                            
50755 PENES - LOST                   Peter Wilkins            



Oh hang on, I think I have found it                         
By crawling around on the ground; it                        
Appears to be fine                                          
And I'm sure that it's mine;                                
There's a circle of lipstick around it.                     
                                                            
50756 PENES - LOST                   Peter Wilkins            



Hand it over and let me inspect                             
This member so sad and abject.                              
We'll sew it back on,                                       
Your little bon-bon,                                        
But I fear it will not resurrect.                           
                                                            
50757 PENES - LOST                   Tuttagioia               



Oh Petal!  Disaster!  Come quick!                           
Reassure me it's really my wick;                            
It appears to be used                                       
And abused for it's bruised                                 
And looks limp and bedraggled and sick!                     
                                                            
50758 PENES - LOST                   Peter Wilkins            



There was an old man of Duluth,                             
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.                       
He fucked with his nose                                     
And with fingers and toes,                                  
And he came through a hole in his tooth.                    
                                                            
50759 PENES - LOST                                       L0290



There once was a drunkard named Lee                         
Who had to go outside to pee.                               
As he undid his zipper                                      
He started to whimper --                                    
Because down there, there was nothing to see.               
(Happens to lots of men when temp is below zero - McW)      
50760 PENES - LOST                   Sean Geddes         P8407



Said a soldier, just back from Viet,                        
To his sweetheart: "Be patient, my pet.                     
I will fondle your breast                                   
And your twat without rest,                                 
But my pecker I left with the Tet."                         
(The North Vietnamese Tet offensive)                        
50761 PENES - LOST                                       G2062



I once had a neat little gun                                
(All the men in our unit had one);                          
Not gunmetal-blue,                                          
More a flesh-colored hue,                                   
But 'twas lost during fun with the Hun.                     
                                                            
50762 PENES - LOST                   Robin K. Willoughby P8406



A lad who is no longer whole,                               
Once pissed up a telephone pole.                            
The megawatt shock                                          
Just inverted his cock,                                     
Now he's female; So isn't that droll?                       
                                                            
50763 PENES - LOST                                            



The guy may not have all his parts                          
But his lack of feminine arts                               
Will give him away                                          
In less than a day,                                         
'Cause he's good as Hell at those farts.                    
                                                            
50764 PENES - LOST                                            



That poor fellas dick is no more;                           
He should have just pissed on the floor,                    
Or put on the squeeze.                                      
I guess it proves he's                                      
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.                       
                                                            
50765 PENES - LOST                                            



There once was a young man named Enus,                      
Who had two balls but no penis.                             
A eunuch he wed                                             
And in bed he said,                                         
"We have a complete set between us."                        
                                                            
50766 PENES - LOST                   Kivi                     



Our streetsweeper, Terence McDoul,                          
Last Tuesday swept up a big tool...                         
He said, "It looked fine                                    
And far bigger than mine,                                   
But with its owner gone, it was cool."                      
                                                            
50767 PENES - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  967      



A man who thought he was a genius,                          
Couldn't tell a light bulb from his penis.                  
When his old light bulb blew,                               
And he changed in the new,                                  
He was changed from a Mars to a Venus!                      
                                                            
50768 PENES - LOST                   Joe Long                 



I rubbed up this powerful genie,                            
Taking care to avoid his green weenie...                    
But touch it I did                                          
And he blew his lid.                                        
Now mine's disappeared, that big meanie!                    
                                                            
50769 PENES - LOST                   Marty              TP9807



A lusty young sailor from Austin,                           
His amourous adventures, they cost him.                     
One day in a pinch,                                         
He put his in a wench,                                      
And with a gust of wind, he lost them.                      
                                                            
50770 PENES - LOST                                            



Never brag 'bout the size of your dick,                     
Cause the Grim Reaper's scythe can be quick.                
With one mighty thump,                                      
He'll leave you a stump,                                    
Then how will you find you a chick?                         
                                                            
50771 PENES - LOST                                            



A eunuch from China named Wong                              
Departed to visit Hong Kong.                                
The girls tried to please;                                  
They teased with a squeeze.                                 
It's sad he was there with no dong.                         
                                                            
50772 PENES - LOST                   Julia Strawn        P8709



There was a poor rider named Billy                          
Who, racing a skittish young filly,                         
Was thrown in the gorse                                     
And stomped by the horse;                                   
It cost him his 'membrum virile'.                           
                                                            
50773 PENES - LOST                   Armand E Singer       278



We were took by our teacher, Miss Beeham,                   
To see statues in the British Museum.                       
We girls were in fits                                       
'Cause the interesting bits                                 
Of the boys were broke off--you should see 'em!             
                                                            
50774 PENES - LOST                                       G1990



After lunch the old Duchess of Teck,                        
Observed, "If you'll listen one sec.,                       
We've found a man's tool                                    
In the small swimming pool,                                 
So would all of you gentlemen check?"                       
                                                            
50775 PENES - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  768 G2005



There was a young man from far Rockaway,                    
Who could diddle a broad from a block away.                 
Once while taking a fuck,                                   
Along came a truck,                                         
And knocked both his balls and his cock away.               
                                                            
50776 PENES - LOST                                       L1162



One night I was fucking this chick                          
And her pussy clamped shut on my dick.                      
I pulled with such force,                                   
It came off, of course.                                     
Now to pee, the scab I must pick.                           
                                                            
50777 PENES - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Aberystwyth,                     
Who bought a new record to twist with.                      
While reading the label,                                    
He tripped over a cable                                     
And knocked off the thing that he pissed with!              
                                                            
50778 PENES - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man in Havana,                            
Fucked a girl on a player piano.                            
At the height of their fever,                               
Her ass hit the lever,                                      
Yes, He has no banana!                                      
                                                            
50779 PENES - LOST                                       L1171



At the zoo a young man of far Rockaway,                     
Was heard by folks screaming a block away.                  
He'd got apes in a rage,                                    
Jerking off near their cage,                                
And they ripped off both balls and tore cock away.          
                                                            
50780 PENES - LOST                                       G2008



There once was a man who went fishin',                      
But needed to do some big pissin'.                          
So he went to a tree,                                       
And he tried to pee,                                        
But he found that his penis was missin'.                    
                                                            
50781 PENES - LOST                                            



A man in the battle of Aix,                                 
Had one nut and his cock shot away.                         
But found out in this pickle,                               
His nose could still tickle,                                
Though he might get the snuffles some day.                  
                                                            
50782 PENES - LOST                                       L1233



In a ratty bordello in Venice,                              
An oversexed tourist named Ennis,                           
Found they'd stolen his money,                              
And swiped his do-funny,                                    
Which the girls now employ to play tennis.                  
                                                            
50783 PENES - LOST                                       G0668



I once knew a guy from Havana,                              
Like Mitchell, who's now called Diana.                      
He, too, was transvestic                                    
And often agrestic,                                         
And claimed that he had no "banana"!                        
                                                            
50784 PENES - LOST                                            



The wife of an athlete named Chuck,                         
Found her married life shit-out-of-luck.                    
Her husband played hockey                                   
Without wearing a jockey --                                 
Now he hasn't got what it takes for a fuck.                 
                                                            
50785 PENES - LOST                                       L1148



As his duflopper dropped on the floor,                      
Came this cry from the sad Matador,                         
"Was it caused when I sneezed                               
Or was it diseased?                                         
Either way, it won't diddle no more!"                       
                                                            
50786 PENES - LOST                   Grand Prix Lim  845      



There once was a man from Bombay                            
Who's penis fell off from decay.                            
He said with a shrug,                                       
And looked rather smug,                                     
"That's not what I use, anyway."                            
                                                            
50787 PENES - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



I don't like that anal French kissing;                      
If you do it again you'll be missing                        
A gonad or two                                              
And surely will rue                                         
Having nothing to hold while you're pissing.                
                                                            
50788 PENES - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a German, Herr Stein,                        
Whose dick was whittled out of pine.                        
A lightning storm                                           
Caused the termites to swarm;                               
And now he is known as Fraulein.                            
                                                            
50789 PENES - LOST                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Aaaw, you've put it away to safe-keep;                      
In your trousers beside your beep-beep.                     
It'll stay there awhile,                                    
Hope it makes you smile                                     
But where does it go when you sleep?                        
                                                            
50790 PENES - LOST                                            



A geologist named Dr.Robb                                   
Was perturbed by his thingamabob.                           
So he took up his pick                                      
And whanged off his wick,                                   
And calmly went on with his job.                            
                                                            
50791 PENES - LOST                                       L1214



An eccentric young poet named Brown,                        
Raised up his embroidered gown,                             
To look for his peter,                                      
To beat it to meter,                                        
But fainted when none could be found.                       
                                                            
50792 PENES - LOST                                       L1139



An ambitious young fellow named Knight,                     
Ended up on Skid Row.  He got tight,                        
And rolled in foul ditches                                  
With badly poxed bitches.                                   
And now he has no end in sight.                             
                                                            
50793 PENES - LOST                   John Ciardi              



Young Debbie thinks, "That will suffice!"                   
And jumps from the bed in a trice.                          
But on her way out,                                         
She brakes off his spout,                                   
And puts his dis-member on ice.                             
                                                            
50794 PENES - LOST                   Ericka                   



A central vac owner named Streeter,                         
Inserted the head of his peter.                             
They found both his balls                                   
In the living room walls,                                   
And his dick in a pipe by the heater.                       
                                                            
50795 PENES - LOST                   Steve                    



There was an old man from China,                            
Who wasn't a very good climber.                             
He slipped on a brick,                                      
Which severed his prick,                                    
And now he has a vagina.                                    
                                                            
50796 PENES - LOST                   Anon                     



There was a young fellow named Cratchet,                    
Who cut off his prick with a hatchet.                       
He packed it in beer,                                       
Then sent it to Sears,                                      
And ordered a cunt that would match it.                     
(Then very politely, He sent it to Whitely,)                
50797 PENES - LOST                                       L1396



There is a young girl here at Vassar                        
And none, for your needs, could surpass her.                
But she cannot detach it,                                   
And much less, dispatch it,                                 
You'll still have to batch it.  Alas, sir!                  
                                                            
50798 PENES - LOST                                       L1397



The gunfighter's win meant a notch                          
On the pistol grip hung by his crotch.                      
While playing with his whang,                               
The pistol went bang,                                       
So now he drowns loss in cheap Scotch.                      
                                                            
50799 PENES - LOST                   Tucker D. Ott       P9001



A mean Carpetbagger named Herman                            
Went South 'long with General Sherman.                      
Great Granny shot true;                                     
Lord, when she got through,                                 
Herm's gender was hard to determine!                        
                                                            
50800 PENES - LOST                                            



One dark night, a lady from Snelling,                       
Awoke with a curious swelling,                              
In the palm of her hand.                                    
It was, Yes!, A male gland!                                 
But whose, she had no way of telling.                       
                                                            
50801 PENES - LOST                   John Ciardi              



There was a young fellow named Goff,                        
Whose amusement was jacking it off.                         
He pulled it so hard,                                       
It stretched out a yard,                                    
And turned to bright blue and fell off.                     
                                                            
50802 PENES - LOST                                       L1705



There was a young man from Vancouver,                       
Whose existence had lost its prime mover.                   
But its loss he supplied                                    
With a piece of bull's hide,                                
Two pears, and the bag from the Hoover.                     
                                                            
50803 PENES - LOST                                       L1357



In Japan a young GI named Goff,                             
Fucked a whore with an ill-smelling trough.                 
The bitch was a dud                                         
With the Japanese crud,                                     
And his pecker turned black and fell off.                   
                                                            
50804 PENES - LOST                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1783



A sorry young soldier was Pete;                             
Some shrapnel had blown off his meat.                       
And his arms were just stumps,                              
But he still got his lumps                                  
For he managed to fuck with his feet.                       
                                                            
50805 PENES - LOST                   Albin Chaplin 3024  G2184



There was a young man named Martell,                        
Who created the wildest cartel.                             
He bought up dead pricks,                                   
And greased them with Vicks                                 
For sore throats.  Oh, My God! How they sell.               
                                                            
50806 PENES - LOST                                            



There was a young man of Jaipur,                            
Whose cock was shot off in the war.                         
So he painted his front                                     
To resemble a cunt,                                         
And set himself up as a whore.                              
                                                            
50807 PENES - LOST                                 G2029 L1020



There was a young man from Ft. Knox                         
Who was singularly blessed with two cocks.                  
When used in rotation,                                      
Neither stopped copulation,                                 
But always brought on a hot box.                            
                                                            
50808 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   G0590



He finally gave up the hunt                                 
For a gal with a twin-barrelled cunt,                       
And forgetting compunction,                                 
Used both in conjunction:                                   
One behind and the other in front.                          
                                                            
50809 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   G0591



When ladies are asked why, particular                       
To his prowess of all things testicular,                    
He replied, "I at once                                      
Satisfy backs and fronts                                    
With my 2 cocks, for I'm ambidicular."                      
                                                            
50810 PENES - MULTIPLE               Jon Gearhart             



There once was a girl named T.M.                            
Who lived with her old Auntie Em.                           
She tried them big,                                         
And small as a twig;                                        
In the end, she preferred 'medium'.                         
                                                            
50811 PENES - MULTIPLE               Tony                     



A man who had more than one penis,                          
Was renowned here and there as a genius.                    
Said his girlfriend, "Although                              
You're no fun to blow,                                      
When you plug up both holes, you're the keenest."           
                                                            
50812 PENES - MULTIPLE               Tarazed                  



A sheik from far-off Xanadu                                 
Had not just one penis, but two.                            
He wailed, "Woe is me!                                      
If I only had three,                                        
I could masturbate, bugger, and screw."                     
                                                            
50813 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   G0819



An effete young sailor named Buster,                        
Had pricks in a multiple cluster.                           
He could have an erection.                                  
In any direction,                                           
And afterwards serve as a duster.                           
                                                            
50814 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   G0277



There was a young man from East Wubbley,                    
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.                           
Each quadruple shaft                                        
Had two balls hanging aft,                                  
And the general effect was quite lovely.                    
                                                            
50815 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   L0158



A laddie from Dublin called Jim                             
Has an extracurricular limb.                                
It only uncurls                                             
When he's shagging those girls                              
With an extracurricular quim.                               
                                                            
50816 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



My playmates, when I was quite small,                       
Were Nancy and Peter and Paul.                              
Nan amazed us one day                                       
When she showed us a way                                    
To play with FOUR Peters in all!                            
                                                            
50817 PENES - MULTIPLE               John Miller 0015         



There once was a doc named McLeans                          
Who exalted in playing with genes.                          
From black, white, and yellow,                              
Two girls and a fellow,                                     
He produced a chimaera, with penes.                         
                                                            
50818 PENES - MULTIPLE               Calico Kid               



A lewd-minded dolly named Bunce,                            
By nature endowed with two cunts,                           
At night dreams and drools                                  
Of a man with two tools,                                    
Who could fuck both vaginas at once!                        
                                                            
50819 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   G0274



There once was a man named Dupree,                          
Who grew a penis on his knee.                               
He never played sports,                                     
'Cause he couldn't wear shorts.                             
He'd rolled up his pant-leg to pee.                         
                                                            
50820 PENES - MULTIPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



An extraordinary fellow named Hilary                        
Was blessed with twin sexual artillery.                     
When you get off one gun,                                   
Your fun is all done,                                       
But he drives home his pulsing auxiliary!                   
                                                            
50821 PENES - MULTIPLE               Grand Prix Lim  085 G0613



A young Mexican loved to pee;                               
He was born with two peckers, you see.                      
The first one they say                                      
Was christened "Jose"                                       
The second he nicknamed "Hose B."                           
                                                            
50822 PENES - MULTIPLE               Derry Down Derry    P8701



In the shower I clearly could see                           
Something I said could not be.                              
El Senor Beemissis                                          
Was born with two penises.                                  
He called them Jose and Hose-B.                             
                                                            
50823 PENES - MULTIPLE               Jim Jambor          P9102



What you need is a three headed pecker,                     
2 sandwichs, that are double deckers,                       
A little pipe dope,                                         
Some soap on a rope,                                        
And a cellar big enough for checkers.                       
                                                            
50824 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



There is a young fellow from York                           
Who possesses a double-tipped dork.                         
His carnal relations                                        
Cause twins great elations,                                 
For rather than spooning, he forks.                         
                                                            
50825 PENES - MULTIPLE               Anon                     



There once was a man, young and sleek,                      
With magnificently youthful physique.                       
His pecker was double,                                      
But it caused him no trouble;                               
Having one for each ball was unique.                        
                                                            
50826 PENES - MULTIPLE               Limericks Naughty & Gay  



I dated a guy with two peters;                              
He sure was a generous feeder!                              
He fed me more meat                                         
Than most girls ever eat,                                   
And I am a big peter eater.                                 
                                                            
50827 PENES - MULTIPLE               Loretta F          TP9802



A fellow whose background was rural                         
Disclosed that his organ was plural.                        
He requested two maids                                      
Hold it up with their braids,                               
While an artist produced a large mural.                     
                                                            
50828 PENES - MULTIPLE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0593



A practical fellow was Hicks,                               
On dates he engaged crosseyed chicks.                       
He said, "They're no trouble-                               
I'm glad they see double,                                   
For they suck what they think is two pricks."               
                                                            
50829 PENES - MULTIPLE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0826



Perhaps you've heard this one before?                       
While performing an autopsy chore,                          
Old Doctor Wecker                                           
Found a dual pecker!                                        
They don't make 'em that good no more!                      
                                                            
50830 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



These fellows with more than one piston,                    
Were accountants all, but I won't list 'em.                 
They'd suffer abuse,                                        
But often amuse,                                            
The gals with their double-entry system.                    
                                                            
50831 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



They don't make 'em that good any more?                     
You just said they had found 4 score.                       
Two dicks would be great                                    
To help copulate,                                           
In both the front and the back door.                        
                                                            
50832 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



This really is not new to me,                               
Because, it's the truth, I have three.                      
I walk well on two,                                         
Each with its own shoe.                                     
They're no good when I have to pee.                         
                                                            
50833 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



With the third I do have more luck,                         
Except when I'm driving the truck.                          
If I spot some quiff,                                       
My 'legs' go all stiff;                                     
The accelerator gets stuck.                                 
                                                            
50834 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



I speed down the street like a fool;                        
All the while I'm damning that tool.                        
Most the cops have scoffed                                  
Until it gets soft,                                         
But don't ticket me as a rule.                              
                                                            
50835 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



They have sympathy for my plight,                           
And take me to bars in the night                            
To bet with a few                                           
That my six feet-two,                                       
Though measured, is not really right.                       
                                                            
50836 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



The patrons all think they are wise                         
Agreeing that 6-2's my size.                                
The girls come by later                                     
To make my legs straighter,                                 
Then measure my vertical rise.                              
                                                            
50837 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



The losers can't dispute the fact                           
That it's the wrong bet that they've backed.                
But they pay to see                                         
My leg number three;                                        
They're wowed by my tripedal act.                           
                                                            
50838 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



If you see my truck speeding by,                            
Now you'll know the real reason why.                        
Those gals on the street                                    
Are looking so sweet;                                       
I can't stop as hard as I try.                              
                                                            
50839 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



There was a young lady named Fox                            
Who planted an acre of cocks.                               
They grew up firm and strong,                               
Nearly twelve inches long,                                  
And she stuffed them all into her box.                      
                                                            
50840 PENES - MULTIPLE               Albin Chaplin 3024  G2127



I dated a guy with two dicks;                               
One small, one long and quite thick.                        
The small, hard as wood...                                  
The large tasted good --                                    
So it sure wasn't easy to pick.                             
                                                            
50841 PENES - MULTIPLE               Teresa              T9801



An old man with two pricks, from Azores,                    
Had one small and one big as a boar's.                      
His dear wife he would stick                                
With his undersize prick,                                   
But the big was for bitches and whores.                     
                                                            
50842 PENES - MULTIPLE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0387



Let's hear it for gonads -- they're grand;                  
Wish I had a pair for each hand.                            
A willie or three                                           
Would occupy me,                                            
For I hate to have stations unmanned.                       
                                                            
50843 PENES - MULTIPLE               Jim Weaver Collection    



You've heard of this fellow named Young,                    
Unique in the way he is hung?                               
One waves to and fro,                                       
The others real low,                                        
The third one, it bangs on his bung!                        
                                                            
50844 PENES - MULTIPLE               Armand E Singer       334



A fellow once lived in the sticks,                          
Who was born with three separate pricks.                    
He could not, though no dunce,                              
Get off all three at once,                                  
Though he tried to with many young chicks.                  
                                                            
50845 PENES - MULTIPLE               John Miller              



One time, while attempting to screw                         
Three girls at a time, he withdrew                          
From the one in the center,                                 
While starting to enter                                     
The pussies of girls three and two.                         
                                                            
50846 PENES - MULTIPLE               John Miller              



The result of this multiple screwing                        
Was confusion that proved his undoing.                      
Between coming and going,                                   
He ended not knowing                                        
What each of his three tools was doing.                     
                                                            
50847 PENES - MULTIPLE               John Miller              



The result, I am sad to relate                              
Was withdrawal from all three too late.                     
Each shot found its mark,                                   
Up inside where it's dark.                                  
Which came first, though, is up for debate.                 
                                                            
50848 PENES - MULTIPLE               John Miller              



The upshot of this shooting is clear:                       
Two girls and a son he holds dear.                          
But what fate had in stock                                  
For each girl was a shock:                                  
Three pussies, two front and one rear!                      
                                                            
50849 PENES - MULTIPLE               John Miller              



There was a young man from Hong Kong,                       
Who had a trifurcated prong.                                
A small one for sucking,                                    
A large one for fucking,                                    
And a honey for beating a gong.                             
                                                            
50850 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   L0174



A careless young fellow from Hobbs                          
Was blessed with a couple of knobs;                         
And with two girls each lay,                                
It is proper to say                                         
That he risked being caught on the jobs.                    
                                                            
50851 PENES - MULTIPLE               Hugh Oliver         A082B



Abe Quaker was put in the stocks                            
Because he did something that shocks:                       
He walked nude to Schuster                                  
While toting his rooster;                                   
Against the law for having two cocks.                       
                                                            
50852 PENES - MULTIPLE               Travis Brasell           



There was a young man from Purdue                           
Who had not just one dick, but two.                         
He'd fuck two girls at once;                                
And two dicks in two cunts                                  
Gives a really phenomenal screw.                            
                                                            
50853 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   G0427



There once was a fellow named Rick,                         
Renowned for his two-headed prick.                          
He found comfort in bed                                     
While stroking one head,                                    
And arranging the other to lick!                            
                                                            
50854 PENES - MULTIPLE               Rick H                   



A notorious freak "Double Dunn"                             
Was born with two organs of fun.                            
While maneuvering in bed                                    
With his lover he said,                                     
"Two heads are much better than one!"                       
                                                            
50855 PENES - MULTIPLE               Derry Down Derry    P8701



That guy who's been peeking in windows                      
In our neighborhood, knows that sin goes                    
On here all the time.                                       
He mimics in mime,                                          
Just so he can show off his twin hose.                      
                                                            
50856 PENES - MULTIPLE                                        



Said the two-peckered goon to Miss Kelly,                   
"I'm sorry my fucking's so smelly.                          
But to put it quite blunt,                                  
With you with one cunt,                                     
My other cock blows on your belly.                          
                                                            
50857 PENES - MULTIPLE                                   G0372



There was a young man from Ypers,                           
Who was shot in the prick by some snipers.                  
The tunes that he played                                    
Through the holes that were made,                           
Beat the Argyll and Sutherland Pipers.                      
(Were the envy of all the bagpipers.)                       
50858 PENES - MUSICAL                                    L0763



A musicienne in gay Montebello,                             
Amused herself playing the 'cello.                          
But not a solo,                                             
For she used as a bow,                                      
The dong of a sturdy young fellow.                          
                                                            
50859 PENES - MUSICAL                                    L1489



Great grandfather had a large cock,                         
Like a pendulum hung on a clock.                            
It went toc, it went tic,                                   
This thick clicking prick,                                  
And each time it chimed -- what a shock!                    
                                                            
50860 PENES - MUSICAL                Franbo                   



They say that Galeazzo Ciano                                
Plays Bach with his cock on the piano.                      
If he does, it's the most                                   
Fascist culture can boast,                                  
In this day of dominae anno.                                
                                                            
50861 PENES - MUSICAL                                    P8202



A marine out on guard in Beirut,                            
Played his penis one night like a flute.                    
Till up came a sad eunuch,                                  
Who lifted his tunic,                                       
And said, "Sir, my instrument's mute."                      
                                                            
50862 PENES - MUSICAL                                    L1143



There was a young man of Canute,                            
Who was troubled with warts on his root.                    
He put acid on these,                                       
And now, when he pees,                                      
He can finger his root like a flute.                        
                                                            
50863 PENES - MUSICAL                                    L1142



"My date was this guy who likes Bach,                       
I'll tell you," said Jean, "What a schlock,                 
He uses for plucking,                                       
What should be for fucking,                                 
You see, he's the man from Starved Rock."                   
                                                            
50864 PENES - MUSICAL                Ed Potts            P8507



There was a young fellow named Peek                         
Whose pecker had learned how to speak.                      
When it screamed in the cavern                              
Of the maid from the tavern,                                
It echoed the best part of a week.                          
                                                            
50865 PENES - MUSICAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-0571



A flutist who came from Iraq                                
Drilled holes like a flute in his cock,                     
And the ladies were thrilled                                
When he tooted and trilled                                  
A concerto by Mozart or Bach.                               
                                                            
50866 PENES - MUSICAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-0483



A native on the isle of Penang                              
Had a somewhat musical whang.                               
When taut for a fuck,                                       
He'd give it a pluck,                                       
And produce a melodious twang.                              
                                                            
50867 PENES - MUSICAL                Thomas G. Keller    P9411



Last night as I fondled my wand,                            
I could swear that it lay back and yawned.                  
"Not tonight, dear,                                         
I've a headache, you hear?"                                 
(You'd think it not redhead but blond!)                     
                                                            
50868 PENES - MUSICAL                                         



There was a musician named Keitel                           
Whose pecker learned words that were vital.                 
It proposed to a twat,                                      
Which responded, "Why not?"                                 
And engaged in an organ recital.                            
                                                            
50869 PENES - MUSICAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-0499



A yogi who came from Beirut,                                
For women he cared not a hoot.                              
But he'd get an erection                                    
Which would stand to perfection,                            
When a snake charmer played on his flute.                   
                                                            
50870 PENES - MUSICAL                Albin Chaplin   3024-0397



There once was a man with a cock                            
That had its own mind and could talk.                       
When asked for the time,                                    
His trousers would chime,                                   
Dear girl, time to lift up that frock!                      
                                                            
50871 PENES - MUSICAL                H                        



A chap down in old Oklahoma,                                
Had a cock that could sing 'La Paloma'.                     
But the sweetmess of pitch,                                 
Couldn't put off the hitch,                                 
Of impotence, size, and aroma.                              
                                                            
50872 PENES - MUSICAL                                    L0207



Once a blonde got a mailing obscene,                        
Which she printed off from a machine.                       
When advised, "Make a copy                                  
On a 3.5 floppy,                                            
She thought that it was a male pene.                        
                                                            
50873 PENES - SHORT                  Anon                     



If one's floppy is three inch and a half,                   
It is sure that one cannot but laugh.                       
Should be five point two five,                              
And grand sakes alive,                                      
There should be standards for one's staff.                  
                                                            
50874 PENES - SHORT                  Anon                     



This modest old chap from Helsinki                          
Had a dick the size of a pinky.                             
But whenever the dolls                                      
Discovered his balls,                                       
They screamed in terror, "That's Kinky!"                    
                                                            
50875 PENES - SHORT                  Grettir the Dong         



A skinny old maid from Verdun,                              
Wed a short-peckered son-of-a-gun.                          
She said, "I don't care,                                    
If there isn't much there,                                  
God knows it is better than none."                          
                                                            
50876 PENES - SHORT                                      L0905



There was a young lad from Fort Worth                       
Whose dick was the cause of great mirth.                    
They measured his dong;                                     
It was half an inch long.                                   
But was ten and a quarter in girth                          
                                                            
50877 PENES - SHORT                  Peter Wilkins            



Wailed corpulent, lecherous Beachem,                        
"I love plumpish girls and beseech 'em                      
To push out their slots                                     
And suck in their pots,                                     
But try as I will, I can't reach 'em.                       
                                                            
50878 PENES - SHORT                  Armand E Singer       615



There was a gay parson named Thwart,                        
Whose prick, although thick, was quite short.               
To make up for this loss,      (But the dome of St Pauls)   
He had balls like a horse,     (Wouldn't cover his balls,)  
And he never spent less that a quart.                       
(Published 1879)                                            
50879 PENES - SHORT                                      G0332



When the judge, with his wife having sport,                 
Proved suddenly two inches short,                           
The good woman declined,                                    
And the judge had her fined,                                
By proving contempt of the court.                           
                                                            
50880 PENES - SHORT                  Anon                L1542



There was a young eunuch from Tonga,                        
Who made up a dance called the Conga.                       
After dancing all day,   (Said the queen, "This here dance) 
He heard the Queen say,   (Stirs the ants in my pants, But) 
"I do wish your conga were longer."                         
                                                            
50881 PENES - SHORT                                      G0470



There's a wood near the fair Castlefreke                    
Where short-taken gents sometimes leak.                     
If you've been well brought up,                             
And are not a pup,                                          
Of the strange things you'll see, you'll not speak.         
                                                            
50882 PENES - SHORT                  Linda Marsh Coll         



I got this from the fellow what own it:                     
He declared that he boasted one mo' nut                     
Than most people sport,                                     
But was terribly short,                                     
In the part you might stick through a doughnut.             
                                                            
50883 PENES - SHORT                                      L1611



There was a young fellow named Hope                         
Who never with women could cope.                            
They would laugh and would snort,                           
That somewhere he was short,                                
And he was at the end of his rope.                          
                                                            
50884 PENES - SHORT                  Albin Chaplin            



There once was a man with a dick                            
That was two inches long but real thick.                    
What was lacking in measure,                                
He made up for in pleasure,                                 
When the girls realized it could lick.                      
                                                            
50885 PENES - SHORT                  MrMalo                   



It may seem to be quite a strange notion;                   
It would roll like a wave on the occean.                    
Two inches erect                                            
With a rippling effect,                                     
In a most pleasing up and down motion.                      
                                                            
50886 PENES - SHORT                  MrMalo                   



When his prehensile pecker would quiver,                    
It would set any lady a-shiver.                             
(And I mean that literally,                                 
Stimulating her clitorally;                                 
All that without poking her liver!)                         
                                                            
50887 PENES - SHORT                  MrMalo                   



Well mine doesn't hang to the ground;                       
Just 2 inches long when unbound.                            
That don't sound like a lot                                 
But what gets the girls hot                                 
Is its twenty-two inches around!                            
                                                            
50888 PENES - SHORT                                           



Wow! Twenty-two inches leaves lock-jaw!                     
Must leave those girls staring in awe.                      
Bet they squeeze their rear ends                            
And they go tell their friends,                             
"Girl, you must come and see now what I saw."               
                                                            
50889 PENES - SHORT                                           



Out in El Paso Del Norte,                                   
People are informal and sporty.                             
If you greet a girl, "Hi Lucy,"                             
(Referring to her coosie)                                   
She will often reply, "Hi, Shorty."                         
                                                            
50890 PENES - SHORT                  Ed Wolfert          P8405



"All right, you bastards!" cried Norton,                    
"Of the people's choice there'll be no thwartin'.           
My opponent may be                                          
A true statesman--not me!--                                 
But his pecker is surely a short'un!"                       
                                                            
50891 PENES - SHORT                                      G2713



I think it's quite plain to see                             
You're addicted to hyperbole.                               
So when you say your dong                                   
Is more than a foot long,                                   
I figure four inches, maybe!                                
                                                            
50892 PENES - SHORT                  Kaylin                   



Hyperbole makes a fine jest,                                
So when I hear some bloke attest                            
That thirty centimeters                                     
Is the length of his peter,                                 
I figure four inches, at best!                              
                                                            
50893 PENES - SHORT                  Kaylin                   



There was an old man from the crump,                        
Had no dick, just a bit of a stump.                         
His girlfriend (an Aussie),                                 
Said " My God, its Quassie;   (Quasimodo)                   
You're always giving me the hump".                          
                                                            
50894 PENES - SHORT                                           



There was a young man from Westphalia                       
Who dressed in uncommon regalia.                            
In this plain fairy tale                                    
He did fail as a male;                                      
He was lacking in paraphernalia.                            
                                                            
50895 PENES - SHORT                  Albin Chaplin            



Don't worry if measurements fail                            
To give boast to the size of your male.                     
You just need to realize                                    
Your measurements gain size,                                
If you'd measure it like a cat's tail                       
(from the asshole out - McW)                                
50896 PENES - SHORT                                           



There once was a bridegroom named Rex                       
Who revealed a short organ of sex.                          
His bride can't resort                                      
To a domestic court,                                        
For 'de minimis non curat lex'.                             
                                                            
50897 PENES - SHORT                                           



There was a young man of Lahore,                            
Whose prick was one inch and no more.                       
It was all right for key holes                              
And little girls' pee holes,                                
But not worth a damn with a whore.                          
                                                            
50898 PENES - SHORT                                      L0183



There was a young fellow named Morton                       
Who went with his girl out a-courtin'.                      
Then they both got undressed                                
But she was not impressed,                                  
"There is something," she said, "that you're short in."     
                                                            
50899 PENES - SHORT                  Albin Chaplin            



A good-looking fellow was Tim;                              
He played football; worked out in the gym,                  
And attracted the best                                      
Looking girls in the West,                                  
But denied any interest in quim.                            
                                                            
50900 PENES - SHORT                                           



"Ho, ho!" Said his mates, "He's a faggot."                  
"No, no!" Said young Tim, "There's a snag. It               
Appears that my dong                                        
(Only half-an-inch long)                                    
Scares the girls who believe it's a maggot."                
                                                            
50901 PENES - SHORT                                           



I've more polyurethane sheets;                              
You will need 'em to cover your seats,                      
And your sofa and bed                                       
When you're giving her head,                                
Or expressing the milk from her teats.                      
                                                            
50902 PENES - SHORT                                           



The strong copulative attractions                           
Induce the insert and retractions,                          
And the requisite spasms                                    
Preceding orgasms,                                          
The intended result of such actions.                        
                                                            
50903 PENES - SHORT                                           



Confessed that good fellow named Tim,                       
"It's not only short but quite slim.                        
Unlike Sir Nantucket,                                       
I truly can fuck it,                                        
Unless my date's hat has a brim."                           
                                                            
50904 PENES - SHORT                                           



The liquifous oozy explosion                                
Effusively lubing the motion                                
Of puds and pudendas,                                       
Effectively rendas                                          
A cuntriffic cockliscious lotion.                           
                                                            
50905 PENES - SHORT                                           



In the lab a young lady of Brest                            
Took a full inch of cock in a test.                         
In a minute or two                                          
She exclaimed, "That will do!                               
Now provide me the rest with some zest!"                    
                                                            
50906 PENES - SHORT                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1969



My husband, thank God, is kaput;                            
At love making he was "nicht gut".                          
Three inches ain't kind;                                    
A man now I'll find                                         
Whose penis length's nearer a foot.                         
                                                            
50907 PENES - SHORT                                           



From most of the wenches you've stuck,                      
We've learned that each inch cost a buck;                   
They also have shared                                       
How once you despaired,                                     
When a three dollar whore said, "Good luck!"                
                                                            
50908 PENES - SHORT                                           



There once was a midget called Shriver,                     
Who only paid whores with a fiver.                          
But it wasn't his height                                    
That made this price right,                                 
He just had a two-inch pile driver.                         
                                                            
50909 PENES - SHORT                  Laurence Craft           



An Amazon living in Chad,                                   
Was wooed by a primitive lad.                               
She said, "Though you dig me,                               
My God! You're a pygmy.                                     
Could you lengthen your pole just a tad."                   
                                                            
50910 PENES - SHORT                  Giandomeni & Christ P8908



A horny young dude from New York,                           
Had only two inches of dork.                                
So he sought the underaged                                  
Which greatly enraged,                                      
And most surely popped everyone's cork.                     
                                                            
50911 PENES - SHORT                  Jim Weaver Collection    



An unfortunate Chinese named Wong                           
Was endowed with the tiniest dong.                          
He said, "Girl in pinch                                     
Will make do with one inch                                  
And pretend she is screwing King Kong!                      
                                                            
50912 PENES - SHORT                  Jim Weaver Collection    



We feel sorry as hell for Joe Rooney.                       
He's colorblind, bald, and half looney.                     
And it pains us to mention                                  
That a four-inch extension                                  
Brings his cock length to just short of puny.               
                                                            
50913 PENES - SHORT                  Michael Weinstein   P8303



There was a young laddie called Evan                        
Who fuckled his girlfriend to heaven.                       
(Well that's what he thought,                               
But his dong was too short;                                 
She just moved up from Cornwall to Devon.)                  
                                                            
50914 PENES - SHORT                  Peter Wilkins            



There was a young woman of Sydney,                          
Who could take it clear up to the kidney.                   
But the thrust of Alphonse                                  
Barely reached to her mons.                                 
So he left her unsatisfied, didn't he?                      
                                                            
50915 PENES - SHORT                  Isaac Asimov             



A well-endowed fellow named Ortening,                       
Prepared for an evening of sportening,                      
With a boy from a disco,                                    
Till he greased up with Crisco.                             
And discovered, too late, it was shortening.                
                                                            
50916 PENES - SHORT                                           



Oh, now we're to things electronic                          
And not even staying platonic;                              
But really I think                                          
Best not short my dink,                                     
Or, my butt might go supersonic!                            
                                                            
50917 PENES - SHORT                                           



Three lads once met three maids from Dorton.                
Each one did decide he should court one.                    
The first two were delighted                                
But the third one was slighted,                             
For she felt she was had by the short one.                  
                                                            
50918 PENES - SHORT                  Albin Chaplin            



To her husband, a lady named Blaining,                      
Of his shortness of prick was complaining.                  
But he said to her, "Dear,                                  
It's your pussy, I fear,                                    
For it looks like a ditch used for draining."               
                                                            
50919 PENES - SHORT                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0405



There once was a lad named Kevin                            
Whose girlfriend was four foot eleven.                      
She looked at his cock                                      
When 'twas hard as a rock;                                  
It was ten inches long--minus seven.                        
                                                            
50920 PENES - SHORT                                           



He offered her pleasure sublime,                            
With twelve inches of penis divine.                         
She lay back on the table,                                  
Said, "Let's see if you're able."                           
So he gave her three inches, four times.                    
                                                            
50921 PENES - SHORT                  James M. Menger     P9310



Now you can get your reward,                                
If your toes make me stiff as a board.                      
But I fear that my dong                                     
Now is three inches long,                                   
After constant erosion abroad.                              
                                                            
50922 PENES - SHORT                  Peter Wilkins            



Your ding's not a dong but a nub!                           
But your wee thing most ladies won't snub.                  
So please don't abuse it,                                   
Instead you could use it                                    
To give their love buttons a rub.                           
                                                            
50923 PENES - SHORT                  Jeanie Taylor            



His girlfriend told him in rhyme --                         
"Nine inches would be so sublime!"                          
He said "If that's true,                                    
Then here's what I'll do --                                 
I'll give you three inches, three times!"                   
                                                            
50924 PENES - SHORT                                           



Amid pubic hairs that were permed,                          
My moment in Bett was short-termed.                         
I started me wiggles                                        
But she got the giggles,                                    
And before she could blink, she was wormed.                 
                                                            
50925 PENES - SHORT                  SFA                      



The SPAM keeps on saying my dink                            
Needs enlargement, but truly I think                        
It's already too long ...                                   
Those guys have it wrong,                                   
What I really do need is a shrink!                          
                                                            
50926 PENES - SHORT                  Tiddy Ogg                



Though John, I don't want to be petty,                      
According to bar room Queen Betty,                          
The length doesn't matter,                                  
But she likes them fatter                                   
Than your silly string of spaghetti.                        
                                                            
50927 PENES - SHORT                  Tiddy Ogg                



It may not be fat, but it's wide                            
And it curls and it wriggles inside,                        
In a way so intense,                                        
It's only pretense                                          
For Betty to badmouth my pride.                             
                                                            
50928 PENES - SHORT                  John Miller              



Poor Jim Smith had a minuscule prick;                       
It was short and it sure wasn't thick.                      
Said the whore, Memphis Mabel,                              
"That's too small for my navel,                             
And I hear that you come much too quick!"                   
                                                            
50929 PENES - SHORT                  Ward Hardman             



Said Jimbo: "Oh don't be so fickle,                         
Let me hammer you with my pickle."                          
She laughed at the sight,                                   
Of it limp to the right.                                    
"Ha...Hammer?  Looks more like a sickle."                   
                                                            
50930 PENES - SHORT                  Lightbulb                



Then he added, "You know, for a nickel,                     
I guess I could do with a tickle."                          
He took her invite                                          
And sexed her all night                                     
With his larger than right left testicle.                   
                                                            
50931 PENES - SHORT                  Lightbulb                



On that one we cannot agree                                 
'Cause even a real Ph.D                                     
Can't bugger his own                                        
Asshole with a bone,                                        
Which is only two inches, or three.                         
                                                            
50932 PENES - SHORT                                           



(And what's that degree all about?                          
You seem like an ignorant lout,                             
Who got for a fee                                           
That special degree:                                        
"Piled higher and Deeper," no doubt!                        
                                                            
50933 PENES - SHORT                                           



A rather peculiar dong                                      
Had young Joe; a mere thre inches long.                     
But its width was immense,                                  
When excited and tense,                                     
Ripping left-to-right holes in his thong.                   
                                                            
50934 PENES - SHORT                  Peter Wilkins            



Joe was on a vaction ride                                   
And met a girl at the sea-side.                             
"You mean that your schlong                                 
Is just three inches long?"                                 
"No," he said, "three inches wide!"                         
                                                            
50935 PENES - SHORT                  Tom Accousti             



While sailing along the Euphrates                           
I learned I was smaller'n me mateys.                        
My inches won't thrill                                      
But if they were mill-                                      
Imeters, I'd be in the eighties.                            
                                                            
50936 PENES - SMALL                                           



Came the Question "Do I like small cunny?"                  
I reply I like MORE for my money.                           
A note from a chick                                         
Concerning my dick,                                         
"All I'll say is they're ALL small for me, honey!"          
                                                            
50937 PENES - SMALL                                           



Ladies, these words you must hear:                          
I'm not as small as you fear.                               
On a mirror o'er my bed,                                    
These words can be read:                                    
"Things are larger than they appear."                       
                                                            
50938 PENES - SMALL                  Les Stewart              



A certain young wrestler named Rex                          
Had minimal organs of sex.                                  
But I'm telling you, dude,                                  
He excelled in the nude,                                    
Because of the bulge in his pecs.                           
                                                            
50939 PENES - SMALL                  Armand E Singer     P9812



A luscious young thing from LA                              
Had the hots for a local DJ.                                
And although his pecker'd                                   
Not set any record,                                         
His frequency makes it OK!                                  
                                                            
50940 PENES - SMALL                  Ken Elrod           P8209



Though the prick of a man from Salina                       
Was the size of a very small weiner;                        
He felt no perturbation                                     
For on slight stimulation,                                  
It would stretch like an old concertina.                    
                                                            
50941 PENES - SMALL                  Isaac Asimov             



CRYPTOGRAPHY, meant to thoughts hide,                       
Was ploy of the newly wed bride,                            
Whose "oohs" and "wows" loud                                
On night she was plowed,                                    
Meant only, "Such wee thing's inside."                      
                                                            
50942 PENES - SMALL                  Chris Papa               



Instead of your bragging on size,                           
You may want to censor your lies.                           
You must be asheamed                                        
That your weenie's not famed.                               
But it won't help to agrandize.                             
                                                            
50943 PENES - SMALL                  Dennis Galion            



Yours is the dong of my dreams,                             
And though you use tissues in reams,                        
Your angle of view                                          
May throw you askew --                                      
For it's not quite as big as it seems.                      
                                                            
50944 PENES - SMALL                  Ericka                   



Peter, first Duke of Orange,                                
Was limited to a miserable four-inch,                       
But technique in a keyhole                                  
Developed his pee-hole,                                     
'Til at last it got caught in the door-hinge.               
                                                            
50945 PENES - SMALL                                      L1316



My god! I look ancient today;                               
Overnight it would seem I've gone gray.                     
I've got aches, I've got pains,                             
I've got varicose veins                                     
And my pecker has shriveled away.                           
                                                            
50946 PENES - SMALL                  Peter Wilkins            



There once was a man from Salt Lake                         
Exposing his small trouser snake                            
Downtown in the mall,                                       
And he had the gall,                                        
To try using one that was fake!                             
                                                            
50947 PENES - SMALL                                           



It is sad when two loved ones fall out,                     
Over things they should not fight about.                    
They should stay sentimen-i-tal                             
About all that is gen-i-tal                                 
And make inches no object of doubt.                         
                                                            
50948 PENES - SMALL                  Isaac Asimov             



Two anglers were fishing off Wight,                         
And his bobber was bobbing all night.                       
Murmured she, with a laugh,                                 
"It is ready to gaff,                                       
But don't break your rod, which is slight."                 
                                                            
50949 PENES - SMALL                                      L0121



Being cursed with a very small member,                      
My friend Shorty Dunn must remember,                        
To open his fly,                                            
On the Fourth of July,                                      
In order to piss in September.                              
                                                            
50950 PENES - SMALL                                           



PENIS, male part anatomic,                                  
An organ behaving quite comic.                              
It answers sex's call,                                      
But after it all,                                           
It returns to a size economic.                              
                                                            
50951 PENES - SMALL                  Chris Papa               



There once was an old man from Waller                       
Who started to cry and to holler.                           
"My manhood's no good --                                    
Never worked as it should,                                  
But I swear that it's now getting smaller!"                 
                                                            
50952 PENES - SMALL                  Anon                     



When Sally did happen to see                                
The nozzle from which he would pee,                         
Said. "Who do you think                                     
Will get off with THAT dink?"                               
He replied, "Well, dear, I think ME."                       
                                                            
50953 PENES - SMALL                                           



There once was a young man named Craig,                     
Who only got sex when he'd beg.                             
On the corner he stood,                                     
Pleading "Try me! I'm Good!                                 
Just don't laugh at my middle leg."                         
                                                            
50954 PENES - SMALL                  HotMail                  



Your penis, dear boy, may be small,                         
'Tis no hinderence to having a ball.                        
And it's just your luck                                     
That gravities suck,                                        
So into black holes you will fall.                          
                                                            
50955 PENES - SMALL                                           



Mohammed al Mustapha Saud,                                  
Exceedingly under-endowed,                                  
Last year went to Mecca                                     
And there met Rebecca,                                      
Who made him stand out from the crowd.                      
                                                            
50956 PENES - SMALL                                           



A senile old geezer from Feedbartz                          
Thought that all the ladies were sweethearts.               
He'd grab them and squeeze them,                            
Try even to tease them.                                     
They had him locked up for small parts.                     
                                                            
50957 PENES - SMALL                                           



A young fellow, with rueful veracity,                       
Said he hadn't much phallic capacity.                       
So he tried no one new,                                     
Stayed with girls he could screw,                           
And that's what I call perspicacity.                        
                                                            
50958 PENES - SMALL                  Isaac Asimov             



I infer that you're terribly short,                         
In the range of 4-9 to 5-ought,                             
So I guess that your dick is                                
Knee height for those chickies.                             
One glad eye too many, you've caught.                       
                                                            
50959 PENES - SMALL                                           



Said his girlfriend, the passionate Bess,                   
"I have thoughts that to you I'll express.                  
You've heard the old saw                                    
That says less is more.                                     
Well I tell you right now, less is less."                   
                                                            
50960 PENES - SMALL                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



Said the girl who was dating a swami,                       
"There are times I suspect that I'm balmy.                  
There can be no dispute                                     
That his prick is minute,                                   
But it feels like a full-size salami."                      
                                                            
50961 PENES - SMALL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0627



I heartily laugh and spew spittle                           
And think of the copy I'd whittle                           
Out of a toothpick,                                         
Of your teeny dick,                                         
Could I find it, but it is too little.                      
                                                            
50962 PENES - SMALL                                           



You don't think I can do a limerick,                        
But all you spout is "teeny dick".                          
Again I must say,                                           
You are welcome today                                       
To come down and to have just a teeny lick.                 
                                                            
50963 PENES - SMALL                                           



I'm quite well aware of your plight;                        
A cock that is well out of sight.                           
Since you aren't pricky                                     
And like to see 'licky,'                                    
As long as it's your wife, I might!                         
                                                            
50964 PENES - SMALL                                           



Cried whorish young Mrs. McWhorter,                         
"If that cock of yours was much shorter,                    
You could never fuck me!                                    
Somewhere there must be                                     
A man with a goddam ripsnorter."                            
                                                            
50965 PENES - SMALL                                      G0396



So tell us, does size really matter?                        
Greater pleasure if longer or fatter?                       
At a crime scene they say                                   
Rapists could get away,                                     
For the small ones leave only a smatter.                    
                                                            
50966 PENES - SMALL                  Poet Lariat         T9707



A fellow from Brighton named Stoker,                        
Was somewhat displeased with his poker;                     
Its shape was divine,                                       
Its firmness, just fine,                                    
But its measurements, just mediocre.                        
                                                            
50967 PENES - SMALL                  Cap'n Bean          P0900



Said a haughty old lecher named Stone,                      
Who had but five inches of bone,                            
"I feel no deep urgin'                                      
To consult a surgeon,                                       
A mighty poor thing, but mine own!"                         
                                                            
50968 PENES - SMALL                                      G0453



A lad that I once new named Billy                           
Wore underwear pretty and frilly.                           
For regular jocks                                           
Were too big for his rocks                                  
And his flacid and miniscule willy.                         
                                                            
50969 PENES - SMALL                  Peter Wilkins            



A diminutive member had Jessel,                             
Yet his wife had an oversized vessel.                       
While at amorous play,                                      
In a humorous way,                                          
They resembled a mortar and pestle.                         
                                                            
50970 PENES - SMALL                  Bob Giandomenico    P9409



Alas, all the girls are aghast                              
With the minimal size of your mast.                         
1/2 inch is its girth                                       
'Cause it aint grown since birth;                           
You'd better start surgery fast.                            
                                                            
50971 PENES - SMALL                                           



This man name of Kevin Farhang                              
Went out one night hunting poontang.                        
He never got any,                                           
Not 'cause he was skinny,                                   
But 'cause of the size of his whang.                        
                                                            
50972 PENES - SMALL                                           



Two lovely disciples of Venus                               
Sought a partner-in-crime with a penis.                     
Though I started to pant,                                   
They said, "Surely we can't                                 
Let a small thing like that come between us."               
                                                            
50973 PENES - SMALL                  Stargazer                



A gimpy old geezer named Joe,                               
Had a digit the size of his toe.                            
The one was a sprout,                                       
The other had gout,                                         
And neither could get up and go.                            
                                                            
50974 PENES - SMALL                  Lims For Year - 01       



When will you all realize,                                  
It's not always a matter of size.                           
Bring toys and we'll play                                   
And have a good lay.                                        
Your satisfaction should be no surprise.                    
                                                            
50975 PENES - SMALL                  Arden                    



There once was a dickhead named Brad,                       
Who drove all the women quite mad.                          
They chased him like whores,                                
Till they got in his drawers,                               
And saw what a small dick Brad had.                         
                                                            
50976 PENES - SMALL                  MrMalo                   



Of all of the girls that I've known,                        
Petal's is the least overblown.                             
Perpetually tight,                                          
When the spear size is right,                               
But yours is far too under-grown.                           
                                                            
50977 PENES - SMALL                  Archie                   



"Oh Doc, it's my cock; it's too small.                      
It barely extends from the ball.                            
My wife says my penis                                       
Is coming between us."                                      
"How in Hell can she tell that at all?"                     
                                                            
50978 PENES - SMALL                  Jon Gearhart             



A frustrated flasher named Paul,                            
Exposes himself in the mall.                                
But the crowd never knows                                   
When he tries to expose,                                    
'Cause the thing that he shows is so small.                 
                                                            
50979 PENES - SMALL                  Pierce Evans             



Now Tarzan's the jungle's brave king,                       
All the animals hear his cry ring,                          
But an elephant wise                                        
Once remarked on his size:                                  
"Christ!  How can you eat with that thing?"                 
                                                            
50980 PENES - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Suzie is now Mrs Simple,                              
For Simon's pathetic wee pimple                             
Fits nicely inside                                          
Of her not very wide,                                       
Indeed, almost invisible dimple.                            
                                                            
50981 PENES - SMALL                  Peter Wilkins            



Young Suzie met Gearhart the Pieman,                        
Whose wares on which soon she was climbin'.                 
What rapture!  What joy!                                    
She's found one more toy                                    
That fits in her undersized hymen.                          
                                                            
50982 PENES - SMALL                  Peter Wilkins            



That must have been my cousin Smally,                       
Nicknamed for the size of his wally.                        
It's quite miniscule,                                       
Not much of a tool.                                         
Twice larger than Randog's by tally.                        
                                                            
50983 PENES - SMALL                  Gearhart                 



A young man whose sight was myopic,                         
Thought sex an incredible topic.                            
So poor were his eyes,                                      
That despite its great size,                                
His penis appeared microscopic.                             
                                                            
50984 PENES - SMALL                                      L1493



The Albino's lust for Sal was acute,                        
But his root was the size of a newt.                        
Sal said, "Smear it with grease,                            
And that newt will increase.                                
I don't like pale guys who can't shoot."                    
                                                            
50985 PENES - SMALL                  Annie Jay                



An unhappy haute-contre, Duby,                              
Didn't care when his newest CD                              
Got a 10 from the press.                                    
He thought life was a mess,                                 
'Cause this penis was only a three.                         
                                                            
50986 PENES - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



I'd love to be naughty with Nita,                           
But her boyfriend is nigh on two metre,                     
So she won't get the measure                                
Of my source of pleasure --                                 
A point two six five metre peter.                           
                                                            
50987 PENES - SMALL                  Archie                   



There was a young man called Dick                           
Who had a diminutive prick.                                 
He said "I want one much bigger                             
Like that little nigger,                                    
And besides it's much nicer to lick."                       
                                                            
50988 PENES - SMALL                                           



For once in your life, you're correct.                      
It's puny and rather abject!                                
But I ain't real picky                                      
When it comes to dicky,                                     
No matter if limp or erect!                                 
                                                            
50989 PENES - SMALL                                           



In this electronic new era,                                 
We really do have to be clearer.                            
A hard disk is soppy;                                       
My girl hates a floppy;                                     
And a compact would never get near her.                     
                                                            
50990 PENES - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Of boyfriends, she had very few,                            
But Teresa liked anything new.                              
She tried all the boys,                                     
Was dismayed by their toys,                                 
And said, I've had better than you!"                        
                                                            
50991 PENES - SMALL                  Tom                      



The love shows through your words,                          
But to think I'm that huge is absurd!                       
You're a CPA lass;                                          
I'd never fit your ass,                                     
If my dick were as small as a bird's!                       
                                                            
50992 PENES - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



He was drawn by the prostitute's eyes,                      
By the silky expanse of her thighs,                         
But before he would mount,                                  
He'd request a discount,                                    
Because of his pecker's small size.                         
                                                            
50993 PENES - SMALL                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



She told him, "Let's have a look-see,                       
And then we'll determine the fee.                           
Your pinky is taller;                                       
If your pecker was smaller,                                 
I guess I would do you for free!"                           
                                                            
50994 PENES - SMALL                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



The object of this Monk's desire,                           
She sure set his old heart afire.                           
But his tool was so small                                   
She'd not feel it at all,                                   
So she went with a much larger squire.                      
                                                            
50995 PENES - SMALL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Always a debate for you guys,                               
Is the length of your manly prize.                          
If you've a wee dong,                                       
A talented tongue,                                          
Will make up for the lack in size.                          
                                                            
50996 PENES - SMALL                                           



There was a young lad of Verdun                             
Who went round with his zipper undone;                      
But his thing was so small                                  
And unnoticed by all,                                       
For 'twas shriveled to naught in the sun.                   
                                                            
50997 PENES - SMALL                                           



She's trying to make the thing grow,                        
She's not seen one that small, you know,                    
Since next door's old cat,                                  
While chasing a rat,                                        
Excitedly  peed on her toe.                                 
                                                            
50998 PENES - SMALL                                           



"Five-inch cocks," said my date out of spite,               
"Are a nickel a dozen, all right."                          
Her opinion upset me,                                       
So I hope she will let me                                   
Put in my two cents worth tonight.                          
                                                            
50999 PENES - SMALL                  Jerry Nordhal       P0001



Old Pete may quite well turn your cranks;                   
And he does have some cute little pranks.                   
But if I can be blunt,                                      
He's a bit of a runt;                                       
I'd much rather shag the two Franks.                        
                                                            
51000 PENES - SMALL                                           



H hopes we'll think inches no less,                         
Quoting 7.5 to impress.                                     
But that's just under three                                 
Little inches you see;                                      
Centimenters H uses, confess.                               
                                                            
51001 PENES - SMALL                  Peter W                  



There once was a man from East Orange,                      
Whos penis was merely a four-inch;                          
When he finally died,                                       
And the thing petrified,                                    
'Twas used as a pin in a door-hinge.                        
                                                            
51002 PENES - SMALL                  Ed Potts            P8410



Cold water can really be bad,                               
The thought of you chilled leaves me sad.                   
Prune wrinkled saturated?                                   
Suicide contemplated?                                       
I understand why you were mad.                              
                                                            
51003 PENES - SMALL                                           



There was a young lad from Helsinki -                       
Was proud as could be of his dinky.                         
He flashed it at nuns                                       
And gave them the runs.                                     
A kinky wee pinky, methinky.                                
                                                            
51004 PENES - SMALL                                           



Said an angry young damsel, "What meanness!                 
First a fellow will brag of his penis,                      
Then you say, 'Come on, lover,                              
Why don't you uncover?'                                     
And he does--and you're shocked at the wee-ness."           
                                                            
51005 PENES - SMALL                  Isaac Asimov             



There once was a braggart named Tony,                       
Who claimed to be hung like a pony.                         
But wouldn't you know it,                                   
When challenged to show it,                                 
'Twas more like a wet macaroni.                             
                                                            
51006 PENES - SMALL                  Pierce Evans             



Nope, I'll stick with my own.                               
(One of us must set the tone)                               
My own pleases me:                                          
You try yours, do make free,                                
And show it to me when it's grown!                          
                                                            
51007 PENES - SMALL                                           



I can't let this Friday pass by                             
Without telling someone a lie;                              
So, thusly, here goes:                                      
My cock, when it snows,                                     
Shrinks 17 inches, but why?                                 
                                                            
51008 PENES - SMALL                                           



Thinking of times it has snowed in July,                    
I do believe you are telling a lie.                         
How could such foul weather                                 
Have effect on your leather;                                
You must have been measuring your thigh!                    
                                                            
51009 PENES - SMALL                                           



The weather affects many dong,                              
So who can say what's right or wrong.                       
But now, I ain't seen                                       
The screwing machine                                        
That's minus fifteen inches long.                           
                                                            
51010 PENES - SMALL                                           



Your last girl, she was no fool;                            
The one with a snatch like a mule.                          
Your showed her your penis,                                 
She said some words heinous,                                
"Like a prick, only miniscule!"                             
                                                            
51011 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Archie                   



An athelete there was of East Anglia,                       
Whose sinews were masses of ganglia.                        
But his racing he ceased                                    
When his penis decreased,                                   
While his balls grew progressively danglier.                
                                                            
51012 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                             G0319



On Saturdays Travis takes Bridget                           
Down river where he then will fidget                        
With her sloppy clit,                                       
Until she yells "Shit!                                      
Your cock would hang best on a midget!"                     
                                                            
51013 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Peter Wilkins            



There was an Old Man of Leghorn,                            
With the smallest that ever was born;                       
But quickly snapt up he                                     
Was once by a Puppy;                                        
Out of hunger and not out of scorn.                         
                                                            
51014 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Edwardian Leer 106       



When we left the pool, she was brazen.                      
And when I undressed, she was gazin'.                       
That water was cold,                                        
And Lo and Behold!                                          
My grape had turned into a raisin.                          
                                                            
51015 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't say shrink, concerning 'the tool';                    
'Tis a lesson that I've made a rule.                        
It just wasn't fair                                         
When she only saw hair.                                     
Honest to God, I'd just got outta the pool.                 
                                                            
51016 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



I swim with the Polar Bear Club;                            
It shortens my club to a nub.                               
The shrink ratio                                            
One day was so low,                                         
A gull bit me, thinking "A grub!"                           
                                                            
51017 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         H Whelchel               



Am I cursed by old Beelzebub?                               
My crank is a wrinkled up stub!                             
It's shrunk to a thumb,                                     
'Cause I've just come from                                  
A swim with the Polar Bear Club.                            
                                                            
51018 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         H WHELCHEL               



My penis is all out of whack.                               
My id thinks this kid won't come back.                      
There's no feeling at all                                   
It just hangs there so small.                               
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!                       
                                                            
51019 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Tom Patton          P0010



There was a young lawyer named Rex,                         
Who was sadly deficient in sex.                             
Arraigned for exposure,                                     
He said with composure,                                     
"De minimis non curat lex."                                 
[The law is not concerned with trifles]                     
51020 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Anon (Letts)        L0222



A very small organ had Eiffel;                              
His approach to his girl it did stifle.                     
In the nude he did jaunt                                    
And the law he did flaunt,                                  
But no law does apply to a trifle.                          
                                                            
51021 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0438



Poor Roger, a lonely old soul,                              
Played all day with his miniscule pole;                     
For the girlies all laughed                                 
At his half-an-inch shaft;                                  
Even Cher, his inflatable doll.                             
                                                            
51022 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



That anti-romantic, George Bickel,                          
Regarded his mini-sized pickle,                             
Invoked the name Jesus                                      
Attached his prosthesis,                                    
And laughed that Fate's finger was fickle.                  
                                                            
51023 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Armand E Singer       972



She murmured, "Now don't be offended;                       
That giggle was never intended."                            
Though she was a dear,                                      
Her meaning was clear:                                      
"Four inches at most, when extended!"                       
                                                            
51024 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Norm Storer         P9505



There once was a midwife of Gaul,                           
Who had hardly no business at all.                          
She cried, "Hell and damnation!                             
There's no procreation!                                     
God made the French penis too small!"                       
                                                            
51025 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                             L0928



I want something new for my pleasure;                       
Some new kind of sexual leisure.                            
I'm sick of soft dicks,                                     
And good-old-boy hicks,                                     
Who usually have fuck all to measure!                       
                                                            
51026 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Cyberhog            T9710



Poor Peter, with tool miniscule,                            
Was subject to much ridicule.                               
For Petal cried "Teeny!                                     
How teeny yor weenie!                                       
It gets lost in my pink reticule!"                          
                                                            
51027 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         OgniGioia                



A woman I know from New Hampshire                           
Took a lover to find her own rapture.                       
She said, "It's of course                                   
'Cause he's hung like a horse,                              
While my husband is hung like a hamster."                   
                                                            
51028 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Wildman             T9801



There was a young woman named Lynne,                        
Who said, "Very well, let's begin."                         
"My God," said her beau,                                    
"That's a heart-breaking blow;                              
It's an hour since I put the thing in."                     
                                                            
51029 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Isaac Asimov             



Three two-letter words that begin                           
With 'I' are a source of chagrin.                           
There are guys who can cry,                                 
Even wish they could die,                                   
At that soul-searing phrase, "Is it in?"                    
                                                            
51030 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



Mickey has a very small mini                                
Teeny-weeny little jimmy.                                   
The thing's so damn small,                                  
That he has to call                                         
Out during sex that he's in me.                             
                                                            
51031 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Paul,                        
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.                       
But the size of my prick                                    
Is God's dirtiest trick,                                    
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"                    
                                                            
51032 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                             L0211



I asked the Duchess to dance,                               
And rubbed her behind with my lance.                        
She said, "Back off honey,                                  
Your limericks ain't funny;                                 
The real joke is down in your pants."                       
                                                            
51033 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Gene Brady               



The lovely Samantha from Reading                            
Denied me a romp in her bedding.                            
My pencil, she said,                                        
Was lacking the lead                                        
To give her much more than a heading.                       
                                                            
51034 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         SFA                      



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
She said, "I want you in my crack, please!"                 
She tore open his trousers,                                 
And then exclaimed "Wowsers!                                
It's only the size of a crackie's!"                         
(crackie - a small dog)                                     
51035 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Limberick                



There once was a young lad named Sean                       
And the size of his tool made girls yawn!                   
He viewed with distaste                                     
That south of his waist,                                    
He was hung like a damn leprechaun!                         
                                                            
51036 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



There once was a moron named Ward                           
Whose wife was eternally bored.                             
When he took out his dick,                                  
She was physically sick.                                    
It was more like a wart than a sword.                       
                                                            
51037 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Ward Hardman             



A Scotsman who came from Lock Ness,                         
Said, "Come, see my monster, young Bess!"                   
But when they went to bed,                                  
She looked at it and said,                                  
"It's more like a goldfish, I guess."                       
                                                            
51038 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Tiddy Ogg                



"My microbiologist ex                                       
Had a weeny too teeny for sex,"                             
Complained Sue  with a sigh.                                
"Perhaps I should try                                       
A macroeconomist next!"                                     
                                                            
51039 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Mido                T9711



There's a very strange bloke who's called Rod,              
And his doctors they think him quite odd.                   
The size of his phallus,                                    
He puts down to malice                                      
On the part of his father, or God!                          
                                                            
51040 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Tony Long           P9201



Spare a thought for a fellow named Hugh                     
Who exclaimed, feeling terribly blue,                       
"I get nowhere with chicks,                                 
'Cause when God gave out pricks,                            
It was me at the back of the queue!"                        
                                                            
51041 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Paul Westwood       P9607



"Though at times sex is sin", mused Miss Grillo,            
As she eyed the guy nude on her pillow,                     
"Your equipment's so small                                  
That it's no sin at all;                                    
I would term it a mere peccadillo."                         
                                                            
51042 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



A girl from the land of the tropical                        
Fought me with a subject one-topical.                       
She claimed that my skewer                                  
(For the good it would do her)                              
Might as well have been microscopical.                      
                                                            
51043 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Mr Malo                  



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Who had sheilas collapsing with mirth,                      
When he asked them to chew                                  
On his didgeridoo                                           
Of exceedingly miniscule girth.                             
                                                            
51044 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Peter Wilkins            



He whispered one night in her ear,                          
"I wish for strange nooky, my dear."                        
Said his wife, "What a bore!                                
Had you two inches more                                     
You could get some strange nooky right here."               
                                                            
51045 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Bob Giandomenico    P9103



My miserable friend, Richard Cholmondley,                   
Looked down at his pecker, most glumly.                     
"With such a small widget,                                  
I can't attract Bridget,                                    
Or other young ladies, most comely."                        
                                                            
51046 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Tiddy Ogg                



A bishop there was of Pyongyang                             
Who offered an actress his dong.                            
She cried, "'Pon my Seol                                    
I have a huge hole,                                         
But your thing's just comme-ci Kumsong."                    
                                                            
51047 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                             L1738



A man from Essex County,                                    
His dick was as small as can be.                            
His power was naught;                                       
Women could not be bought.                                  
He was even restricted to pee.                              
                                                            
51048 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Jim Weaver Collection    



Us women prefer a big size,                                 
Which is not very much a surprise.                          
You claim yours is cute,                                    
But it's really minute,                                     
And wouldn't ever win you a prize.                          
                                                            
51049 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Anon                     



There once was a poet of sorts,                             
Who was seen by his girl without shorts.                    
She said "You look silly                                    
With your wee little Willy.                                 
Of what use is it to cavorts?"                              
                                                            
51050 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Stan                     



"It's the home of the Whopper," said Ray                    
As he pulled down his shorts for a lay.                     
With a well-seasond whore                                   
Named Lenore who said, "More                                
Like a child-sized White Castle, I'd say."                  
                                                            
51051 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Michael Weinstein   P8802



There once was a man named Brian,                           
Whose dick was so short he was cryin'.                      
As he said, with a tear,                                    
As he cried in his beer,                                    
"If I said it was long, I'd be lyin!"                       
                                                            
51052 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Jim Weaver Collection    



Forgive me, my dear, if I'm blunt,                          
But your bat is really a runt.                              
If you're calling that                                      
A "major league bat"                                        
You probably do nothing but bunt!                           
                                                            
51053 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



There's a sad little fellow named Herm                      
Has a tassel the size of a worm...                          
Though he visits love bookers,                              
He's avoided by hookers,                                    
For his worm wouldn't make a worm squirm.                   
                                                            
51054 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Grand Prix Lim  110      



There was a young lady named Venus                          
Whose man had a very small penis;                           
So exceedingly small                                        
It was nothing at all,                                      
So she told him, "There's nothing between us."              
                                                            
51055 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0636



A Scotsman can be quite a sight!                            
Often seen around Glasgow at night.                         
Lasses don't want him;                                      
They tease and they taunt him;                              
His willie's one inch when upright.                         
                                                            
51056 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Jayne                    



There once was a guy named Dave,                            
And to all the girls he did wave.                           
While pleading for pleasure,                                
His dick they did measure                                   
And the finger was all that they gave.                      
                                                            
51057 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Mervyn Cripps collection 



When he showed her his thing-a-ma-jig,                      
She laughed and said, "That one can't dig."                 
He was nobody's fool                                        
And said to his tool,                                       
"It's time that I pay and look big."                        
                                                            
51058 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Bill Backe-Hansen   P8405



At the whorehouse, I saved me some dough.                   
Twenty-five of fifty, 'tis so.                              
But it is not pleasin'                                      
To tell you the reason.                                     
You pay by the inch, don't you know.                        
                                                            
51059 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Les Stewart              



To his date, a young fellow named Hame                      
Said, "Your cunt is too big for this game."                 
But she said, with derision,                                
"It should fit with precision,                              
If your prick is as big as you claim."                      
                                                            
51060 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0469



Ivor Biggun was his boastful name;                          
But his bragging was a little too tame,                     
As his was quite small,                                     
And hidden behind a ball,                                   
And the piss-taking was really a shame.                     
                                                            
51061 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Funny Bone               



There once was this girl named Sue Morgan,                  
Who boyfriend turned out a bad bargain.                     
He was handsome and tall,                                   
But she started to bawl                                     
When she felt his tiny hard organ!                          
                                                            
51062 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Laurence Craft           



A great big fat cop of Belle Isle,                          
Had a pecker that made the whores smile.                    
It was teeny and skewed,                                    
He could only get screwed                                   
When the girl kept on twisting meanwhile.                   
                                                            
51063 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                             G0250



It must have been the funniest scene;                       
In our youth we boys played submarine,                      
Half submerged in the water,                                
But the girls did not bother.                               
Periscopes were the smallest ever seen.                     
                                                            
51064 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Dirruk                   



From: the star of the cast, Ethel Schwartz,                 
To: the cast of the play, "Queen of Hearts."                
My co-stars I'll coach,                                     
But I want no approach                                      
From actors with very small parts.                          
                                                            
51065 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Tiddy Ogg                



Now girls, it is not nice to mock                           
Us guys with an undersized cock,                            
Just 'cause your hole                                       
Needs a telephone pole,                                     
And the smell sends us all into shock.                      
                                                            
51066 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         John Miller              



Three strumpets waved with their pinkies                    
At some boys, to mock their young dinkies.                  
In response to their quips,                                 
The boys stretched wide their lips,                         
And replied right back to the stinkies.                     
                                                            
51067 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Res Ipsa                 



To his wife an old rounder from Frome,                      
Said, "I'll get some strange pussy at Nome!"                
"If you get two inches more,                                
You stupid old bore,                                        
You could get some strange pussy at home!"                  
                                                            
51068 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Clarence E. Boyle   P8504



While romping in bed with her Roger,                        
She scoffed at the size of his Todger.                      
She gave him no head,                                       
But kicked him out of bed,                                  
Then summoned the well-hung young Lodger.                   
                                                            
51069 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



There once was a man named Chico,                           
Who thought he was all suave and rico.                      
But all the girls say,                                      
To his ego's dismay,                                        
His taquito is muy poquito!                                 
                                                            
51070 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



My Teutonic Maiden said, "Vahrd,                            
Ven I suck, yours gets long und hard.                       
Vereas Jim Smith's kleine schwanz                           
Can't supply a girl's vants.                                
Sheiss-kopf should be feathered und tarred!"                
                                                            
51071 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Ward Hardman             



My Teutonic Maiden said, "Vahrd,                            
Venn I zuck, yours gets so long und hard.                   
Vhereas Jim Smith's klein Schwanz                           
Can't zupply a girl's vants.                                
'Scheisskopf' zhould be feathered und tarred!"              
                                                            
51072 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Jim Smith                



There was a young woman named Jeannie,                      
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie.                   
You claim you're a stud,                                    
But Oh!  What a dud!                                        
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny."                          
                                                            
51073 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Isaac Asimov             



There once was a young man from Gaul,                       
Whose dick was exceedingly small.                           
Said the female reportage,                                  
Of his noted shortage:                                      
"The rise is the same as the fall!"                         
                                                            
51074 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a snooty young thing from Australia,                   
"Now concerning the male genetalia,                         
Men brag of their size                                      
Till you're sure you've a prize,                            
Then exhibit wee paraphenalia.                              
                                                            
51075 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                             G0243



After he gave his lady a ring,                              
She was shocked by the size of this thing!                  
"Like it or not,                                            
It's all that I got.                                        
Get your Whopper at old Burger King."                       
                                                            
51076 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Writerman                



There was a conundrum, 'Enigma,'                            
Who went through life bearing the stigma                    
Of limerick error,                                          
Perhaps from the terror                                     
Of sexual romps with a pigma.                               
                                                            
51077 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



(Enigma, I hope you don't mind                              
The changes below that you find.                            
I don't mean to scoff                                       
But your meter was off,                                     
So I changed it but left it unsigned!)                      
                                                            
51078 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED                                  



While drifting along the Three Gorges,                      
Where the Yangtse to Sanxia forges,                         
She complained with a groan                                 
While eyeing my bone,                                       
"But you promised me one that enlarges!"                    
                                                            
51079 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Hugh Clary               



Now you're up in your hungering pride,                      
When no one is here, glorified.                             
Last night you were needed;                                 
I could have succeeded,                                     
But that's when you shriveled and died.                     
                                                            
51080 PENES - SMALL - SHAMED         Limericks Naughty & Gay  



These cold frosty mornings in Eng-                          
land are fresh and they're putting a zing                   
In my step when I go                                        
Off to work, but you know                                   
That they do tend to shrivel my thing.                      
                                                            
51081 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Just wait until your tea break,                             
And then in your hand you can take                          
Your thing that is shriveled,                               
To dunk it a little.                                        
You'll see just how fast it will wake!                      
                                                            
51082 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Ardens                   



"I know you are older and grey,                             
But I haven't had sex for a day.                            
I've worked up a sweat                                      
And my panties are wet.                                     
Will you screw me without a delay?"                         
                                                            
51083 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter W                  



"I'm sorry, can't do it," I said.                           
My dick's a disaster in bed.                                
It's a wee little thing,                                    
Like a piece of old string.                                 
And it's moribund, dormant, and dead.                       
                                                            
51084 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter W                  



"Of course you'll be able to cope;                          
Come here and I'll give you a grope.                        
I'm sure that your thing,                                   
Which you liken to string,                                  
Will grow longer and thicker than rope.                     
                                                            
51085 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter W                  



With embarrassment turning me red,                          
She pulled down my trousers and said,                       
"I see what you mean,                                       
But at least it looks clean.                                
I'll use it for flossing instead."                          
                                                            
51086 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter W                  



Damn you for revealing my size,                             
Which has caused my ego's demise.                           
But flossing? That's good!                                  
I think that I should                                       
Use that the next time she makes eyes.                      
                                                            
51087 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        S C Saint                



Flossing is good for the gums;                              
The flossee feels good when she hums.                       
Be glad your not cursed                                     
With my eight inch wurst --                                 
She screams but it's not when she comes.                    
                                                            
51088 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        H WHELCHEL               



In Brazil all this stress about life                        
Is creating marital strife.                                 
The size of their willy,                                    
So small that it's silly,                                   
Means they cannot pleasure their wife!                      
                                                            
51089 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES                                 



In that case I'll cash in my Keogh;                         
I'll fly with my willy to Rio                               
And hope it suffices.                                       
But I've other devices                                      
Which I'll bring as a back-up in Rio.                       
                                                            
51090 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Tutta Gioia              



He's after a Latinate trio,                                 
(Caught the bug off of Karen and Me-o)                      
Those deprived senoritas                                    
Will find him a treat as                                    
He's hung and he'll fuck them con brio!                     
                                                            
51091 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Lucy                     



Said the husband, with smiling urbanity,                    
"I possess penile superhumanity."                           
Said his wife, "But the score                               
Of his inches is four.                                      
The rest of it's just his insanity."                        
                                                            
51092 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Isaac Asimov             



Hubby's fury then reached incandescence.                    
And he said, "My respect for you lessens,                   
Because four is the least."                                 
"Not so, you vile beast;                                    
That's its length in a state of tumescence."                
                                                            
51093 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Isaac Asimov             



"Four inches where you are concerned,                       
You old bag," said her man really burned.                   
"All the girls," she said, "gave it                         
(In a signed affidavit)                                     
As four! and the court stands adjourned.                    
                                                            
51094 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Isaac Asimov             



A pensive old chap was dear Bob;                            
A bit of a reclusive slob.                                  
It all first began                                          
When, as a young man,                                       
His girlfriend laughed at his nob.                          
                                                            
51095 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES                                 



"It's crooked and wrinkled and small,                       
And hasn't any hair at all.                                 
It looks embarassin'                                        
That tiny hairless 'un --                                   
You've prac'tly no wanker at all!"                          
                                                            
51096 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES                                 



I wish I could brag on my schlong;                          
To do so would just be all wrong.                           
The girls say my log                                        
Is small like my dog --                                     
A dachshund that's just a foot long.                        
                                                            
51097 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES                                 



But size is not key, it's the fun;                          
Like a trophy's admired, not the gun.                       
Though the length of the weenie                             
Should not be so teenie,                                    
When it's hot, it should fit in the bun.                    
                                                            
51098 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES                                 



Now I am really impressed,                                  
But it has caused me to be very stressed.                   
The size of my prick                                        
(No bigger than a stick.)                                   
Is not something I'm proud to possess.                      
                                                            
51099 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Pepe                     



But no worry, my lady is here;                              
For tightness, I still use her ear.                         
Strange, you may say,                                       
Such a style for a lay,                                     
Yet it works, for complaints she can't hear.                
                                                            
51100 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Pepe                     



Just under the chestnut tree stands                         
A gorgeous man who has large hands.                         
He's got big huge, feet,                                    
That I think's so neat --                                   
I hear that the feet match the glands!                      
                                                            
51101 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Marlene Lewis            



Beneath that old chestnut she stands...                     
The smithy with feminine hands.                             
She's a big beefy lass                                      
With one hell of an ass,                                    
And magnificent mammary glands.                             
                                                            
51102 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



Which reminds me of Anna the nymph,                         
Who oft squirmed at the thought of Joe's lymph              
Nodes and totem-like pole,                                  
While she fingered her hole                                 
'Til she found that young Joe was a wymph.                  
                                                            
51103 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



For Joseph was not very tall                                
And had hardly a lymph node at all                          
At the base of his thing,                                   
Which was limp as old string,                               
And minutely, nay, vanishing small.                         
                                                            
51104 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Peter Wilkins            



There once was a girl named Crystal,                        
Who dated a cowboy from Bristol --                          
One day, just for fun,                                      
She reached for his gun,                                    
And found he had only a pistol.                             
                                                            
51105 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Kaylin                   



But then, as she felt it expand,                            
She thought it became really grand.                         
He started to smirk                                         
Till she gave it a jerk,                                    
And the damned thing went off in her hand!                  
                                                            
51106 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Kaylin                   



Poor Crystal had only one goal --                           
In the hay she wanted to roll.                              
But she became surly,                                       
'Cause he shot too early,                                   
That's why she favors gun control.                          
                                                            
51107 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Kaylin                   



There once was a guy named Bill,                            
Who took his girl out for a thrill.                         
For a midnight ride                                         
On his dick, he called Clyde;                               
His pickle was not at all dill.                             
                                                            
51108 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Enema Bandit             



She liked to ride it all night,                             
And she never got in a fright.                              
He asked for some knob,                                     
Sort of like a blow job;                                    
She said "Spit or swallow, I might."                        
                                                            
51109 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Enema Bandit             



And then at the end of their show,                          
They'd clean up their organs, you know.                     
He said, "Let's try tomorrow night;                         
It will be out of sight."                                   
She said "Not, if your penis don't grow."                   
                                                            
51110 PENES - SMALL - ZSERIES        Enema Bandit             



To a girl who was laughing, "Ha Ha",                        
I'm sure she made people guffaw!                            
She said thimble's the size                                 
Of the bump 'tween my thighs,                               
But that's the size cups in her bra.                        
                                                            
51111 PENES - SMALLER                John                     



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
I ran my hand over his fly--He's                            
Disadvantaged, you know.                                    
Very little to show!                                        
And that bulge was his spare set of car keys!               
                                                            
51112 PENES - SMALLER                Linda Longprong          



The other morning was really quite chilly;                  
Cold enough to shrivel my willy.                            
When I pee'd, had to sit,                                   
As 'twas the size of a clit,                                
And it did look a little bit silly.                         
                                                            
51113 PENES - SMALLER                                         



There was a young fellow named French                       
Who was screwing his girl on a bench.                       
His prick was so small                                      
It did no good at all;                                      
His shortcomings disgusted the wench.                       
                                                            
51114 PENES - SMALLER                                    G0076



There was a young man from St. Paul,                        
Whose cock was exceedingly small.                           
Now it might do for keyholes,                               
Or little girl's peeholes,                                  
But for a big girl like me...Not at all!                    
                                                            
51115 PENES - SMALLER                                         



There was an old curate of Hestion,                         
Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.                    
But so small was his tool                                   
He could scarce screw a spool,                              
And a cunt was quite out of the question.                   
                                                            
51116 PENES - SMALLER                                    L0173



There was a young fellow named Vic,                         
Who possessed a most miniscule prick;                       
Erected, his schlong                                        
Was half an inch long;                                      
And maybe an eighth of that, thick.                         
                                                            
51117 PENES - SMALLER                Simon Whitechapel        



A soldier whose name was Mort Court,                        
Had a dick the size of a wart.                              
He'd pull down his pants                                    
And shout "Here's my lance!"                                
So his friends kept him locked in the fort.                 
                                                            
51118 PENES - SMALLER                Corkey Bailey            



There was a young fellow named Kimball,                     
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble.                         
But so fragile, so slender,                                 
So dainty and tender,                                       
He kept it encased in a thimble.                            
                                                            
51119 PENES - SMALLER                                    L0182



A student of East Bainbridge Hall,                          
Had an organ exceedingly small.                             
He buggered a bug,                                          
On the edge of a rug,                                       
But the bug didn't feel it at all.                          
                                                            
51120 PENES - SMALLER                                    L0638



A newlywed fellow named Fong,                               
His pecker was half an inch long;                           
When they first went to bed                                 
His wife laughed and she said                               
"I knickname you I. C. No Dong!"                            
                                                            
51121 PENES - SMALLER                Cap'n Bean          P0110



In Washington, District of C.                               
Lived a man with the dick of a flea.                        
Yet he'd not lack a chance                                  
To sniff female pants,                                      
For his tongue was a foot long, you see.                    
                                                            
51122 PENES - SMALLER                Robert Elliot            



I dreamed I was hit by a comet,                             
A nightmare that caused me to vomit;                        
So, what made me sick?                                      
When I felt my dick,                                        
It was shriveled as small as a grommet!                     
                                                            
51123 PENES - SMALLER                                         



There was a young lady named Laurel                         
Who sinned with a man -- I've no quarrel.                   
But the man did the sin                                     
With a cock like a pin;                                     
A sin of this size I call moral.                            
                                                            
51124 PENES - SMALLER                Albin Chaplin   3024-0514



With cake and champagne and confetti,                       
Young Bobby was married to Betty.                           
Imagine her shock,                                          
When she first saw his cock                                 
Was as thin as a strand of spaghetti.                       
                                                            
51125 PENES - SMALLER                PeterW                   



Don't be sad for our Bett's wedding night;                  
Divine pleasure soon replaced fright.                       
Damn thin it might be,                                      
But it's damn long, you see,                                
And it filled up her spaces all right.                      
                                                            
51126 PENES - SMALLER                PeterW                   



Bob said, "I'll come when I can.                            
Spag Bog, for I'm Italian.                                  
There's Sauce Milanese,                                     
But if you prefer cheese,                                   
I can always come Veal Parmesan.                            
                                                            
51127 PENES - SMALLER                Don Paul                 



With exquisite balls made of gnocci,                        
Carved from choc-flavored Roman biscotti,                   
That's Bob Farinaceous,                                     
With tackle salacious,                                      
Pushing pasta up Big Betty's body.                          
                                                            
51128 PENES - SMALLER                Don Paul                 



"My willy," said Len's "allotropic,                         
Just look, it is quite telescopic."                         
Said Jill, unimpressed:                                     
"Oh, is that the best                                       
You can do? Len, it's real microscopic."                    
                                                            
51129 PENES - SMALLER                                         



Some things that are written are true;                      
But sometimes we will question you.                         
If your tool's too small                                    
To be felt at all,                                          
What good is it going to do?                                
                                                            
51130 PENES - SMALLER                Chris Tustin             



"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay.                    
"Come on, take it out, and let's play."                     
He pulled it on out,                                        
But she started to pout,                                    
His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.                   
                                                            
51131 PENES - SMALLER                                    LOO55



A horny young man from Dalrymple                            
Was greatly distressed by the simple                        
But obvious fact,                                           
That the sexual act,                                        
Called for something he lacked, not a pimple.               
                                                            
51132 PENES - SMALLER                                         



There once was a Princess named Gwyn,                       
Who said, "Stick it in! Stick it in!"                       
To my delight,                                              
This went on all night,                                     
But the Princess could not feel my pin.                     
                                                            
51133 PENES - SMALLER                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Bill,                         
His penis was shriveled and ill.                            
It was pale and green                                       
As any you've seen,                                         
And thimble it would not quite fill.                        
                                                            
51134 PENES - SMALLER                Jorge Rodriguez     T9711



There was a young man from Berlin,                          
Whose tool was the size of a pin.                           
Said his girl with a laugh,                                 
As she fondled his shaft,                                   
"Well, this won't be much of a sin."                        
                                                            
51135 PENES - SMALLER                                    L0190



I'm often considered a joke,                                
'Cause I'm cursed with a very small spoke,                  
But I sit and I yearn                                       
For a decent bed-worm,                                      
And a willing young lady to poke.                           
                                                            
51136 PENES - SMALLER                Tim Fisher               



Some say I'm as mad as a hatter,                            
To listen to girls as they flatter:                         
"Oh fiddle and fie,                                         
It isn't a lie.                                             
I promise that size doesn't matter."                        
                                                            
51137 PENES - SMALLER                Tim Fisher               



But maybe I'm turning the tide,                             
As when girls come along for the ride.                      
I twist it, I bend it,                                      
I even up-end it,                                           
To make the damn thing touch the side.                      
                                                            
51138 PENES - SMALLER                Tim Fisher               



Moaned a loser named Rasselas Sweeny,                       
"Preternaturally small is my weenie.                        
I know it's not nice                                        
To screw my pet mice,                                       
But what else can I hump that's so teeny?"                  
                                                            
51139 PENES - SMALLER                Armand E Singer        50



"I dare you to fondle my tits",                             
Said young Amy to innocent Fritz.                           
"But I'm shy", he replied                                   
Feeling conscious inside                                    
Of his miniscule genital bits.                              
                                                            
51140 PENES - SMALLER                                         



Indeed they were tiny and small;                            
Though he says that he once had a ball,                     
And was caught on the job                                   
With his miniature knob                                     
Screwing hamsters and mice in the hall.                     
                                                            
51141 PENES - SMALLER                                         



But never a girl out of fear                                
She would snort, giggle, snigger and sneer                  
And collapse to the floor.                                  
Laughing madly for sure                                     
At his barely discernable gear.                             
                                                            
51142 PENES - SMALLER                                         



I once knew a fellow named Jerry                            
Who pecker was small as a berry.                            
When he went to pee                                         
He let nobody see;                                          
Though he thought it petite but not very.                   
                                                            
51143 PENES - SMALLER                Monique de Plume         



His first day as a nudist, Joe Wimple                       
Said, "This life, I would say, isn't simple."               
He could see the gal's eyes                                 
Look him over for size,                                     
Which had made it shrink down to a pimple.                  
                                                            
51144 PENES - SMALLER                Grand Prix Lim  163      



Said a certain young man with a grin,                       
"I think it is time to begin."                              
Said the girl with a sneer,                                 
"With what?  Why your pee-er                                
Is scarcely as big as a pin."                               
                                                            
51145 PENES - SMALLER                Isaac Asimov             



The ladies all had to agree,                                
That Mort's penis was too small to see.                     
A whore named Louise                                        
Sniffed, "Who will that please?"                            
Mort proudly submitted, "Just me!"                          
                                                            
51146 PENES - SMALLER                                         



There once was a boy named Ali;                             
The girls all looked on him with glee.                      
When they unzipped his fly,                                 
He wanted to die,                                           
For his dick was the size of a flea.                        
                                                            
51147 PENES - SMALLER                Richard Long             



A wondrous chap, the Aleut --                               
All snug in his polar bear suit.                            
When he whips out his digit                                 
The damn thing goes frigid                                  
And shrinks to a size quite minute.                         
                                                            
51148 PENES - SMALLER                Arthur Deex         P8303



Said the bawdyhouse madam to Lyle,                          
As she viewed his sad prong with a smile,                   
"That poor little pimple                                    
Looks more like a dimple--                                  
Are you trying to start a new style?"                       
                                                            
51149 PENES - SMALLER                                    G0385



With the thought that perhaps he'd evoke                    
Her desire to give it a stroke,                             
In the dark placed her hand                                 
On his tool at proud stand,                                 
But she said softly, "Thanks, I don't smoke."               
                                                            
51150 PENES - SMALLER                Bob Giandomenico    P9003



John is not quick, is not nimble,                           
His little dick fits in a thimble.                          
This being so true,                                         
If only you knew,                                           
You'd laugh 'til your body would trimble.                   
                                                            
51151 PENES - SMALLER                Jill                     



A girl who was dating young Beedle,                         
Said his pecker was not fit to tweedle.                     
But he gave her some credit                                 
When she showed she could thread it                         
Through the eye of a large darning needle.                  
                                                            
51152 PENES - SMALLER                Albin Chaplin 3024  P8301



My penis, dear girl, is so small;                           
It's the size of an atom, that's all.                       
But an atom's main mission                                  
Is fusion and fission,                                      
And BANG! I shall leave you in thrall.                      
                                                            
51153 PENES - SMALLER                Peter Wilkins            



A smarmy young fellow, a Yank,                              
Was built like a well-armoured tank.                        
But the girls had a shock,                                  
At his miniscule cock,                                      
Which he had to use tweezers to wank.                       
                                                            
51154 PENES - SMALLER                                         



I know of a whiz kid named Dole                             
Who won a free trip to Wood's Hole.                         
Asked the smallest thing ever,                              
He replied, being clever,                                   
"The dink on a newly born vole."                            
                                                            
51155 PENES - SMALLER                Armand E Singer       418



There was an old man of Connaught,                          
Whose prick was remarkably short.                           
When he got into bed,                                       
The old woman said,                                         
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"                          
                                                            
51156 PENES - SMALLER                                    L0144



There was a young fellow named Paul,                        
Whose prick was exceedingly small.                          
When in bed with a lay,                                     
He could screw her all day,                                 
Without touching the vaginal wall.                          
                                                            
51157 PENES - SMALLER                Isaac Asimov             



And now we have the man named Shrimp?                       
Small in stature, but big as a blimp.                       
Every woman he dated,                                       
To her friends she berated                                  
Him because his prick was so limp.                          
                                                            
51158 PENES - SOFT                   Toolman                  



"Dear! It's my semiannual erection!"                        
A claim subject to spousal correction.                      
She said, "Honey, that's keen,                              
But I think what you mean                                   
Is your annual semierection."                               
                                                            
51159 PENES - SOFT                   William N. Nesbit   P9605



There was a poor devil named Hess,                          
Whose parts were a godawful mess;                           
His balls were rhomboidal,                                  
His scrotum fungoidal --                                    
His penis would rarely turgesce.                            
                                                            
51160 PENES - SOFT                   Armand E Singer       272



While these three stood fingering their dicker,             
They argued, beginning to bicker.                           
An old guy came in                                          
When his piss did begin,                                    
He barely got his lights to flicker.                        
                                                            
51161 PENES - SOFT                                            



At the sight of a pair of nice thighs,                      
Old Faithful again tried to rise.                           
But night after night                                       
Of sexual delight,                                          
And it now begs for mercy -- (sighs).                       
                                                            
51162 PENES - SOFT                   Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A gas station attendant named Myers                         
Puts in gas, water, oil, blows up tires.                    
But when broads demand service,                             
Myers get so damn nervous...                                
His protuberance promptly expires.                          
                                                            
51163 PENES - SOFT                   Grand Prix Lim  147      



My Charlie knows all of the angles                          
His best fishing rod -- well, it dangles,                   
Above fishing holes.                                        
He frequently trolls,                                       
And counts all the fish he entangles.                       
                                                            
51164 PENES - SOFT                                            



In a harem, a dwarf name of Quidgid                         
Was requested to show himself rigid.                        
But, the vassal though massive                              
Had a tassle so passive                                     
That the midget's poor digit was frigid.                    
                                                            
51165 PENES - SOFT                   Hugh Clary               



Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang,                    
O hark to the hymn of the whang!                            
Though the tune is familiar,                                
It gets a bit sillier                                       
When the whang will do nothing but hang.                    
(epizeuxis)                                                 
51166 PENES - SOFT                   Norm Storer         P9603



When younger my stout middle digit,                         
Could piss the hat off of a midget.                         
But ages do pass,                                           
And now it's a flacc-                                       
-id dribbly wizened old widget.                             
                                                            
51167 PENES - SOFT                                            



At many of life's weary junctions,                          
I've felt very moved by those unctions                      
That stirred deep inside,                                   
To drop all false pride,                                    
As well as what drops when I functions.                     
                                                            
51168 PENES - SOFT                                            



"The trouble with me," poor old Jack said,                  
"Is that though my mustache has been wax-ed,                
And I've gook on my hair,                                   
And I'm devil-may-care,                                     
The fact is, my penis is flaccid."                          
                                                            
51169 PENES - SOFT                   Isaac Asimov             



When the techniques of love he had mastered,                
My buddy got thoroughly plastered.                          
One would think in that state                               
He'd be nothing but great,                                  
But he wasn't (the flaccid old bastard).                    
                                                            
51170 PENES - SOFT                   Norm Storer              



By hand, an old fellow named Fred,                          
Tried hard to erect it in bed.                              
Said his wife to the fink,                                  
"I do not really think                                      
You should flog an old horse that is dead."                 
                                                            
51171 PENES - SOFT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0452



Said the beautiful, bountiful Venus                         
To a youth with a too-softened penis:                       
"You must stiffen your dingus,                              
Or else cunnilingus,                                        
Or all will be over between us."                            
                                                            
51172 PENES - SOFT                                       G0919



One cold day with no scarf, Mr. Flitches,                   
Said, "My neck got so stiff that my bitch is,               
I can't even bend it."                                      
His wife said, "That's splendid,                            
Now try going out with no britches."                        
                                                            
51173 PENES - SOFT                   Bob Giandomenico    P9307



There was an old fellow from Wooster                        
Who couldn't get it up like he uster.                       
His date called him a wimp,                                 
'Cause his organ was limp,                                  
So he lifted her nightie and goosed her.                    
                                                            
51174 PENES - SOFT                   Jim Menger          P9204



A playboy whose name we won't mention                       
Had a transplant to lower his tension.                      
He bathed in a Jacuzzi                                      
While served by black pussy,                                
And hoped his penis would snap to attention.                
                                                            
51175 PENES - SOFT                                       G2425



There was a young fellow named Dave                         
Whose demeanor was icy and grave.                           
He claimed such great effort                                
To keep his cock inert,                                     
Was why this expression he gave.                            
                                                            
51176 PENES - SOFT                                       G2684



A limp-membered hopeful named Fenner                        
Told the babe, "I will bet you a tenner                     
I can still get it stiff!"                                  
She relied with a sniff,                                    
"You're just an old iffer and whenner!"                     
                                                            
51177 PENES - SOFT                   Grand Prix Lim  195      



As a hapless fat babe I began,                              
And grew, as the years swiftly ran,                         
To a tower of strength.                                     
No I'm finding at length                                    
I'm an impotent feeble old man.                             
                                                            
51178 PENES - SOFT                   Laurence Perrine    P8509



An impotent husband named Stoner                            
Pulled something I'd call a real boner;                     
When his wife wanted kids,                                  
He requested sealed bids,                                   
To get the best price for a loaner.                         
                                                            
51179 PENES - SOFT                   Armand E Singer       498



There was a young man from Kilgore,                         
Who wasted his life on a whore.                             
To get an erection,                                         
He took an injection,                                       
And shot out his wad on the floor.                          
                                                            
51180 PENES - SOFT                                       L1695



Sometimes I just look at my shlong,                         
And think of the lovers it's wronged.                       
It no longer inspires                                       
Any selfish desires;                                        
It just hangs there and sings its sad song.                 
                                                            
51181 PENES - SOFT                                            



A sexagenarian colonel,                                     
Considered himself ever-vernal.                             
It was thought, though, his prick                           
Was as soft as a wick,                                      
And lifeless, except in a urinal.                           
                                                            
51182 PENES - SOFT                                            



Great jumping Julius Caesar!                                
She said I should kiss her and squeeze her.                 
He said, "It gives me pain,                                 
But I must refrain.                                         
My pecker is that of a geezer."                             
                                                            
51183 PENES - SOFT                   Al Willis           P9708



I think that the fool in the garden,                        
Whose implement failed to get hard, 'n                      
Who dissed the homeowner                                    
For lack of his boner.                                      
Might well have been 'roused by Miss Arden.                 
                                                            
51184 PENES - SOFT                                            



There was a poor devil named Sam,                           
Whose privates weren't worth a goddamn.                     
The parts that were visible                                 
Were only quite risible;                                    
The rest they were mostly a sham.                           
                                                            
51185 PENES - SOFT                   Armand E Singer       151



A voyeur from Cranbrook, B.C.,                              
Had the strangest perversion, oui, oui;                     
He got all his kicks                                        
Out of pendulous pricks,                                    
While watching the RCM pee.                                 
(RCM - Royal Canadian Mounted Police?)                      
51186 PENES - SOFT                   Hugh Oliver           98c



If you don't have 'nuff lead in your pencil,                
You can make your tool damn near prehensile;                
There are pills for E.D;                                    
If your prob's P.U.D,                                       
Folk-lore remedies may be more sensible.                    
                                                            
51187 PENES - SOFT                                            



Said Lady Desiree LeBlanc,                                  
On winning a game of petanque,                              
"If only your tool                                          
Were as hard as these boules,                               
I'd be happy to give you a bonk."                           
                                                            
51188 PENES - SOFT                                            



A man in his nineties named Baker                           
Had an impotent style baby-maker.                           
To fulfill his need                                         
And increase its speed,                                     
He rubbed the tip on his pacemaker.                         
                                                            
51189 PENES - SOFT                   Tom Patton          P9902



An impotent fellow named Pete,                              
Was cursed with recalcitrant meat.                          
He said, "That's the breaks.                                
Other guys have tube steaks;                                
I have to get by with tube Treet.                           
(Treet - SPAM competitor)                                   
51190 PENES - SOFT                   Bob Roberds              



All evening the girl of young Trevor                        
Rejected his every endeavor.                                
She made up with her lover,                                 
But was sad to discover                                     
That erections do not last forever.                         
                                                            
51191 PENES - SOFT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0328



Our playboy this month is well-dressed,                     
His Jaguar just matches his vest.                           
He has sexy conceits                                        
And a pantsfull of pleats,                                  
But his penis is not of the best.                           
                                                            
51192 PENES - SOFT                                       G2548



An old New York Met named Tom Seaver,                       
Was once rendered impotent by fever.                        
He said with dismay,                                        
"I don't like it this way,                                  
It kills my desire for the beaver!"                         
                                                            
51193 PENES - SOFT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



So you've never failed to impale?                           
Now I know you are telling a tale.                          
You've made poor Pat cry;                                   
Left her high and dry.                                      
Made her a frustrated female.                               
                                                            
51194 PENES - SOFT                                            



A woman once said: "What the heck!" to me.                  
"You look like a physical wreck to me.                      
You're a leery old gent,                                    
But please come to my tent,                                 
Though it doesn't look very erect to me."                   
                                                            
51195 PENES - SOFT                   Bill Wall                



There once was a fellow named Skakel                        
Whose alibi makes juries cackle:                            
"To give it a stroke,                                       
I leapt up an oak --                                        
Though today I would need block and tackle."                
                                                            
51196 PENES - SOFT                   Arthur Deex         P0207



Said retired Colonel Lingus, "The sap                       
Has left the limp tap in my lap...                          
As I told my friend Suzie                                   
When she offered her schmoozie,                             
It looks like I'm on my last lap."                          
                                                            
51197 PENES - SOFT                   Grand Prix Lim  962      



There was an old man from Thermopylae                       
Who could not get good hardons properly.                    
He wanked and he spanked;                                   
He yanked and he cranked;                                   
But his prick would stand up only floppily.                 
                                                            
51198 PENES - SOFT                   Alexander Baron          



There was a young draftsman named Lee,                      
Whose pecker hung down to his knee.                         
He advised every maid                                       
That 6H was the grade,                                      
But they checked and they found it 3B.                      
(6H - grade of hardness in pencils, 3B is soft)             
51199 PENES - SOFT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0515



At the Vatican Hilton, Miss Chard                           
Had resolved to seduce a Swiss Guard;                       
But imagine her gloom                                       
When they got to her room,                                  
In that only the mattress was hard.                         
                                                            
51200 PENES - SOFT                   Thomas A. Quinine   P8406



A watchmaker's wife from Limerick                           
Was asked what it was that made her tick.                   
It was strange of her,                                      
But she said, "I prefer                                     
Ten inches of soft and pendulous dick."                     
                                                            
51201 PENES - SOFT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



When a young wife, much more than endowed,                  
Chose a wealthy old codger, a cloud                         
Hung over their bed,                                        
Because after they'd wed,                                   
He was never more than piss-proud. (only piss hardons)      
                                                            
51202 PENES - SOFT                   A. N. Wilkins       P8801



There was a young lady from Brent,                          
When her old man's pecker, it bent,                         
She said with a sigh,                                       
"Oh, why must it die?                                       
Let's fill it with Portland Cement."                        
                                                            
51203 PENES - SOFT                                       L1380



Sex is the ONLY, so swive it.                               
Be all you can be, you'll survive it.                       
There is no escape;                                         
You will be in shape,                                       
Except for the parts that are private.                      
                                                            
51204 PENES - SOFT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



With his trophy, he's found he can't cope.                  
Now Viagra's his very last hope.                            
"Lord knows I have tried,                                   
But I'm too old," he cried.                                 
"It's like shooting pool with a rope!"                      
                                                            
51205 PENES - SOFT                   David Martin             



There was a young fellow named Ned,                         
Who'd invent comic verses in bed.                           
In the end the poor simp,                                   
Let his penis grow limp,                                    
And the woman beneath bashed his head.                      
                                                            
51206 PENES - SOFT                   Isaac Asimov             



A hopeful old man of Knob Noster             (MO)           
Saw a likely farm lass and he tossed her;                   
But to his dismay,                                          
He could rise just halfway,                                 
So she threw him aside, the imposter.                       
                                                            
51207 PENES - SOFT                   Allan Ottley        P8805



A man who hates summer is Partch;                           
He wants to have sex like in March.                         
So he takes ice-cold showers,                               
Sprays on Eau de Fresh Flowers,                             
And soaks his limp organ in starch.                         
                                                            
51208 PENES - SOFT                   Armand E Singer       927



A flaccid young fellow called Smith,                        
Spent February wondering if                                 
He spent all of March                                       
With his dick soaked in starch,                             
So in April, it might get more stiff.                       
                                                            
51209 PENES - SOFT                   Graham                   



A polygamous Tunisian Bey,                                  
To his seventh wife murmured one day,                       
"I can take three or four,                                  
And then one or two more...                                 
But you have it soft, as they say."                         
                                                            
51210 PENES - SOFT                   Marc Davidson            



There once was a gouty old colonel,                         
Who grew glum when the weather turned vernal.               
So he cried in his tiffin,                                  
His prick wouldn't stiffen,                                 
And the size of the thing was infernal.                     
(tiffin - lunch, midday meal)                               
51211 PENES - SOFT                                       L0021



But you might be like young Mr. Dillow,                     
Who once bragged with his head on my pillow,                
That his prick was like oak.                                
But he lied, the young bloke,                               
'Cause it sure looked to me more like willow.               
                                                            
51212 PENES - SOFT                                            



Said a post-Civil War belle named Gwen:                     
"In defeat, Johhny Rebs lost their yen                      
To impale Dixie tail,                                       
Since impalers would fail,                                  
But the South, suh, is rising again!"                       
                                                            
51213 PENES - SOFT                                            



When Ginny was five, so I'm told,                           
She found little Larry could fold                           
This thingy in half.                                        
'Twas good for a laugh.                                     
It's funny still, now that they're old.                     
                                                            
51214 PENES - SOFT                   H                        



There was a young man of Lake Placid,                       
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.                      
When he wanted to sport,                                    
He would have to resort                                     
To injections of sulfuric acid.                             
(It now appears that nitric acid is the nuerotransmitter)   
51215 PENES - SOFT                                            



How he cried when he lost the election,                     
Claiming his life has lost its direction.                   
It all started after                                        
He swallowed some plaster                                   
To firm a sagging erection.                                 
                                                            
51216 PENES - SOFT                                      TP9802



To help you enjoy senility,                                 
The next time you have rigidity,                            
Before it will slack,                                       
A coat of shellac.                                          
Or if you prefer, photigraphy.                              
                                                            
51217 PENES - SOFT                   Irving Superior     P8509



There was an old fellow of Fife,                            
Who lived a lascivious life.                                
When his organ was limp,                                    
Like an overboiled shrimp,                                  
He brought what was left to his wife.                       
                                                            
51218 PENES - SOFT                   Albin Chaplin 3024  G0331



Gripes a live-sex-show star, "It's perverse                 
To the point where I mutter and curse.                      
Does the public expect                                      
I can always erect,                                         
When my co-stars insist we rehearse?"                       
                                                            
51219 PENES - SOFT                                            



A randy old satyr of Friant                                 
Reached an age when his tool got so pliant,                 
He was forced to quit messing;                              
He cried, "It's depressing.                                 
And them whores have sure lost a good client!"              
                                                            
51220 PENES - SOFT                   Grand Prix Lim   95      



Someone says we should pity                                 
A person who is not as witty.                               
When your Johnson goes limp,                                
That makes you wimp;                                        
Then all I can say is "Tough Titty!"                        
                                                            
51221 PENES - SOFT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A pervy young fellow named Morse                            
Is said to be hung like a horse.                            
But it won't erect,                                         
That's why, I suspect,                                      
He'd trade for a small one like yours.                      
                                                            
51222 PENES - SOFT                   Blowcephus         TP9802



The prick of a fellow named Slaughter                       
No longer would stand like it ought-ter.                    
He finally solved                                           
His case, though involved:                                  
He soaked the damned thing in hard water.                   
                                                            
51223 PENES - SOFT                   Armand E Singer       849



Peter's percy's kaput like dead Granger.                    
His pecker's been laid in a manger.                         
Pickled by piper,                                           
Misfired, he's no sniper.                                   
I'll offer my swollen Lone Ranger.                          
                                                            
51224 PENES - SOFT                                            



"I can't keep a flame on my wick,"                          
Said the patient regarding his prick.                       
"Quick fix my limp dickie --                                
I'm late for a quickie!                                     
Here's tape and a popsicle stick."                          
                                                            
51225 PENES - SOFT                   Bob Leclerc              



An over-fucked fellow named Springer                        
Had lost all the life in his zinger.                        
So he fucked with his nose                                  
And by twiddling his toes,                                  
And sometimes he fucked with his finger.                    
                                                            
51226 PENES - SOFT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2317



A good friend would certainly pardon                        
The things that went on in my garden;                       
My girl did her nails                                       
And practiced her scales                                    
While waiting for something to harden.                      
                                                            
51227 PENES - SOFT                   Norm Storer         P9812



A vulgar sex kitten of Kent                                 
Exclaimed when her husband's prick bent:                    
"Well, I wanted a fuck,                                     
But I'm shit out of luck--                                  
Ain't there hard cocks some place I can rent?"              
                                                            
51228 PENES - SOFT                                       G1812



It would watch me when I combed my hair.                    
It was virile and active, mon cher.                         
Now it watches (bad news),                                  
As I tie both my shoes.                                     
Oh when will it end, this nightmare?                        
                                                            
51229 PENES - SOFT                   Al Willis           P9607



O pity an oldster named Ball!                               
His fortunes have plunged in free fall;                     
What once was pure magic                                    
Has turned out true tragic:                                 
He can't make it rise up at all.                            
                                                            
51230 PENES - SOFT                   Armand Singer       P0006



There was a young maid said "Oh Hell!                       
I won't try to ensorcell                                    
Or even bewitch                                             
The son-of-a-bitch!                                         
Trouble is, his member won't swell!"                        
                                                            
51231 PENES - SOFT                   Barb                     



A joli jeune joujou in Ghent                                
Told her client, "Despite your intent                       
To put on un gran party,                                    
How the hell can you, smarty,                               
With a marteau that's withered and bent?"                   
                                                            
51232 PENES - SOFT                   Grand Prix Lim  902      



There was an old codger named Mort,                         
Who with a young thing did cavort.                          
And when he was tried,                                      
His attorney denied,                                        
Saying the evidence won't stand up in court.                
                                                            
51233 PENES - SOFT                   David B             T9707



A newlywed man raised a clamor,                             
For nude, his new bride had no glamor.                      
But she countered, "You simp,                               
You're revoltingly limp;                                    
It's like driving a worm with a hammer."                    
                                                            
51234 PENES - SOFT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0421



The latest invention by Zeast--                             
For those whose erections have ceased,                      
Lie next to your love;                                      
My gadget above                                             
And from it will sprinkle down yeast.                       
                                                            
51235 PENES - SOFT                   Irving Superior     P9304



A fellow in Arlington said,                                 
As he happily hopped into bed,                              
"Impotence is frightful                                     
But I think it's delightful,                                
Since it's YOUR HUSBAND that's dead!"                       
                                                            
51236 PENES - SOFT                   Grand Prix Lim  748      



In my youth, on the beach on Cape Cod,                      
All the girls in the sand gave a nod.                       
As they each asked,                                         
I bent to the task;                                         
Now I've only a bend in my rod.                             
                                                            
51237 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Tom Patton          P9607



There was a young lad named Bengie,                         
Whose dong was unusually bendly.                            
Having grown out of that,                                   
The ladies in chat                                          
Now say that he'is awfully friendly.                        
                                                            
51238 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                                



An African native named Simba                               
Showed the missionaries wife his bimba.                     
With a smile on her face,                                   
Bare of heavenly grace,                                     
She said, "Simba, your bimba so limba!"                     
                                                            
51239 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Mr Malo                  



An old man asked his shrink for some checks                 
Why his pecker was under a hex.                             
Said his shrink, "It's not dead --                          
It's all in your head.                                      
Your brain is your organ of sex."                           
                                                            
51240 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Al Chaplin          P9410



There once was a bride named Croft                          
And the groom had two inches when soft.                     
When she made the dick rise,                                
It stayed the same size.                                    
Little wonder the bride got pissed-off!                     
                                                            
51241 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Laurence Craft           



A Russian who'd recently defected,                          
Was feeling down and rather dejected.                       
His withered up cock,                                       
Once as hard as a rock,                                     
Had trouble even getting erected.                           
                                                            
51242 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                                



A poet, by name, Rowdy Jack                                 
Was giving his willy a whack;                               
On the twenty-first stroke,                                 
He pause for a Coke,                                        
But alas, his poor willy went slack!                        
                                                            
51243 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Jim Weaver Collection    



An ill-equipped braggart named Wertz,                       
Whose prick stays so limp, it inverts,                      
Never fails to affirm                                       
As he inserts his worm,                                     
"Now honey, just yell if it hurts."                         
                                                            
51244 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Armand E Singer       565



There was an Old Man of Corfu,                              
Who never knew what he should do;                           
So he rushed around town,                                   
Till the damned thing went down                             
By itself, without any to-do.                               
                                                            
51245 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Edwardian Leer 026       



"If your digger would only get hard more,"                  
Cried the sultry young cookie from Ardmore,                 
"Nights would be a delight                                  
If you'd shovel just right...                               
You could spade the spot in my front yard more!"            
                                                            
51246 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Grand Prix Lim  762      



He had Liz McCool spread on the bed,                        
And as Freddy bestrode her, she said,                       
"I wish Mister McCool                                       
Could see what's a REAL tool,                               
For that peanut he packs is half-dead!"                     
                                                            
51247 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Grand Prix Lim  298      



Sobbed a guy, "Though for sex I am vaunted,                 
A horrible hex has me haunted.                              
In the sexual tussle                                        
I can stiffen each muscle,                                  
Except the one muscle most wanted!"                         
                                                            
51248 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                           G0480



There was an old sheik named Al Hassid,                     
Whose tool had become very placid.                          
Before each injection,                                      
To get an erection,                                         
He had to immerse it in acid.                               
                                                            
51249 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                           L1170



Though it seems to appear without warning                   
Getting old is a subject I'm scorning;                      
Since much is the same,                                     
And today I can claim                                       
It's hard getting up in the morning.                        
                                                            
51250 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                                



There was an old man who said, "Tush!                       
My balls always hang in the brush,                          
And I fumble about,                                         
Half in and half out,                                       
With a pecker as limber as mush."                           
                                                            
51251 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                           L0254



A cavalry man they called Teddy                             
Was know to be bold, rough, and ready,                      
In his warring campaigns --                                 
But when whoring with dames,                                
His rifle was limp as spaghetti.                            
                                                            
51252 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Brian Belge              



Said a thrice-tested man named Landis,                      
"Don't mourn, dear. You know how a gland is.                
If you'll just use your head,                               
You'll fine 'limp' is not 'dead':                           
It will still serve mutatis mutandis."                      
(mutatis mutandis - ?? )                                    
51253 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       John Ciardi              



I'm trying my best, you can bet,                            
To use words that rhyme with nymphet.                       
But I'm getting old;                                        
My blood is now cold,                                       
And I need an erect-or set.                                 
                                                            
51254 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Al Willis           P9603



Said she, "Please excuse my timidity."                      
Said he, "It's just goddamn frigidity!"                     
Then she sobbed, "Oh my dear,                               
It would disappear,                                         
If your tool had more goddamn rigidity!"                    
                                                            
51255 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                                



It's not like I've totally tossed it,                       
Although for the moment I've lost it;                       
But I am damn certain                                       
Some bimbo-type flirtin'                                    
Is all that's required to defrost it.                       
                                                            
51256 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Norm Storer         P9701



"You price -- is it firm?" asked young Croft,               
While fondling her ass in the loft.                         
She said, "Why you worm,                                    
It's got to be firm;                                        
It will never go in if it's soft."                          
                                                            
51257 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Albin Chaplin   3024-1479



It was rather too much of the swizzle     (stirring motion) 
Which made their coition a fizzle,                          
For try as he would                                         
The guy never could                                         
Get a properly adamant pizzle.      (pizzle - animal penis) 
                                                            
51258 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       A. N. Wilkins       P8801



To arouse the old ruler, a chick                            
Tried to stiffen his cock with a lick.                      
Said the ruler, "This nation                                
Is in rampant inflation,                                    
But it seems to have bypassed my prick."                    
                                                            
51259 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Albin Chaplin   3024-0419



You can't blame me, dear husband, for scorning              
A cock that just shrinks without warning.                   
If you had a tiddly                                         
As game as my widdly,                                       
I'd keep you plugged in until morning.                      
                                                            
51260 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Jim Weaver Coll     G0178



Said old Kate to her crock of a kettle,                     
"Sure you're not in the finest of fettle.                   
But your spout isn't slack                                  
Like my poor husband Jack;                                  
Pity his wasn't made out of metal!                          
                                                            
51261 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Maurice O'Brien          



I used to be proud of its size,                             
When it pointed straight up to the skies;                   
But it's less than an inch                                  
Now. I gave it a pinch,                                     
But I cannot get much of a rise.                            
                                                            
51262 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                                



A concert musician named Liszt                              
Had a strange anatomical twist.                             
It hung to his knees,                                       
And swung in the breeze,                                    
But it only would work when he pissed.                      
                                                            
51263 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                           G0381



I once knew a sexual martyr --                              
A softy who never grew harder.                              
He said, "Well, it ain't                                    
That I'm some kind of saint --                              
It's just that my thing's out of order.  (ardor?)           
                                                            
51264 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Neal Wilgus         P8302



There was a young fellow named Bliss,                       
Whose sex life was strangely amiss.                         
For even with Venus,                                        
His recalcitrant penis,                                     
Would seldom do better then t, h, i, s.                     
(this is printed vertically - McW)                          
51265 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT                                



Said Lizzie to Pericles Smart                               
Who claimed, with him, sex was an ART,                      
"I think you are full                                       
Of that stuff from the bull,                                
For you still lack the angle to start!"                     
                                                            
51266 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Grand Prix Lim  626      



When erections start to fail                                
And limp remains your piece of tail,                        
The Home Cure Wonderland!                                   
She takes you by the hand                                   
And salivates your brad-sized nail.                         
                                                            
51267 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Irving Superior     P9107



Said an old lama high in Tibet,                             
As he viewed his dead whang with regret:                    
"Though I no longer jape,                                   
I shan't drape it in crepe,                                 
For it's rare fun to fondle it yet."                        
                                                            
51268 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Grand Prix Lim  895 G2217



When cataracts make nearness less lit                       
And prostates to fingers submit,                            
To losses from age,                                         
What must well enrage,                                      
Erections that suddenly quit.                               
                                                            
51269 PENES - SOFT - DIFFICULT       Irving Superior     P9701



"I will tell you the truth, dear Virginia.                  
If I wanted to, I could sure win ya.                        
Don't judge by tonight                                      
(I am high as a kite.)                                      
And it bent and it wouldn't go in ya..                      
                                                            
51270 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Jim Weaver Collection    



When out on a date, Mr. Riffer                              
Got down on his lady to sniff her.                          
When she felt his limp meat,                                
She said, "Better you eat,                                  
For a prick is no good 'less it's stiffer."                 
                                                            
51271 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0873



There was a young fellow named Leif,                        
Whose erection was swollen but brief.                       
He would end in despair                                     
With a handful of hair,                                     
And a big bite of tit in his teeth!                         
                                                            
51272 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          G0643



It just doesn't work anymore.                               
The way that it functioned before.                          
The thought has appeal,                                     
But there is no feel!                                       
Unless it gets caught in a door!                            
                                                            
51273 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Larry Davis         P8509



There was a fine dandy, Beau Geste,                         
Who approached a young girl with great zest.                
But when she had stripped,                                  
And he was unzipped,                                        
The dead bird just stayed in its nest.                      
                                                            
51274 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          G0080



A fourteen inch dong had Bill Med.                          
In the morgue we looked down at his head.                   
Said coroner Ikett,                                         
"I have one just like it!"                                  
"You do?" He replied, "Yes! It's dead!"                     
                                                            
51275 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Clarence Boyle      P8906



Last St. Patrick's Day near Kerry Head,"                    
Said O'Toole, "in a narrow inn bed,                         
I woke up in the night                                      
In a terrible fright,                                       
And, egad, my shillelagh was dead!"                         
                                                            
51276 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      A. N. Wilkins       P9302



"Oh dear!" said a fellow named Fred                         
As he stripped and he got into bed.                         
"My calm, it much jangles                                   
That my dingle just dangles                                 
And I fear that I cannot get bred."                         
                                                            
51277 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Limericks Naughty & Gay  



There was a young longhorn named Lew,                       
Who card read, "Have doodle.  Will do."                     
But the best he could doodle,                               
Looked like a wet noodle,                                   
In a shoot-out with my sister Sue.                          
                                                            
51278 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      John Ciardi              



A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien                         
Sighed, "Joe, you just keep right on tryin'.                
I'll leave you my card,                                     
And when it gets hard,                                      
Please wire or drop me a line."                             
                                                            
51279 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Lims For Year - 01       



It's widespread, says the TV,                               
This conjugal calamity.                                     
The wife needs some loving,                                 
But it isn't forthcoming;                                   
The husband, alas, has ED.  (erectile dysfunction)          
                                                            
51280 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      DC Dave                  



I sit here in Colchester town,                              
With sweet Molly B. (panties down).                         
But my limp dick won't rise                                 
To a workable size,                                         
So I rather feel being a clown.                             
                                                            
51281 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                               



While fucking, a fellow named Springer                      
Observed a relapse in his clinger.                          
He was just halfway through                                 
When it doubled in two,                                     
So he fininshed the fuck with his finger.                   
                                                            
51282 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Albin Chaplin   3024-1907



At eighty an old man named Scott,                           
Once more a young lady had sought.                          
So he caught her, it's true,                                
And he knew what to do,                                     
But his pecker, indifferent, forgot.                        
                                                            
51283 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0609



A sad-eyed old satyr named Blaine                           
Finds his dangler a cause to complain.                      
In its youth, a real terror,                                
Now it's failed its old wearer--                            
The mere thought of it gives him great pain.                
                                                            
51284 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          G0258



Her sex pot was ready and hot                               
But his part of the deal?...it was not.                     
When a babe lies there dreaming                             
Of a reaming and screaming...                               
A poor limp's in one hell of a spot!                        
                                                            
51285 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim  590      



An arrogant Nazi named Schiff,                              
Broke up with his wife in a tiff.                           
Though he did not lack charm,                               
She complained that his arm,                                
Was the only thing he could keep stiff.                     
                                                            
51286 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                               



Said a hot-holed young siren in Stead:                      
"For weeks Peter's pecker's been dead.                      
If I don't get laid soon                                    
By that impotent goon,                                      
I'll be found in some other guy's bed."                     
                                                            
51287 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Jim Weaver Coll     G0191



An elderly trooper named Sand                               
Had had a seduction well planned,                           
But he still couldn't muster                                
More luck than had Custer,                                  
For Sand, too, had had his last stand.                      
                                                            
51288 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                               



As she sat on the edge of the bed,                          
She pulled up her nighty and said,                          
"When you're reading a book,                                
It's pointless to look,                                     
For it goes without saying IT'S dead..."                    
                                                            
51289 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim  450      



There was an old sculptor named Tony                        
Whose joystick refused to get bony.                         
It writhed and it wriggled,                                 
Until his girl giggled,                                     
"Now I know where they get macaroni."                       
                                                            
51290 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          G0471



Libidinous thoughts fill your brain.                        
You wait for erection -- in vain.                           
The years have been cruel.                                  
When you use the tool,                                      
It's rather like pushing a chain.                           
                                                            
51291 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Larry Davis         P8509



A heavy drinker named Clyde Olivetti                        
Wanted to lay his gal Betty.                                
But after much rye                                          
And six martinis, quite dry,                                
Clyde's cock was as limp as spaghetti.                      
                                                            
51292 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Michael Weinstein   P8403



You remember that fat Millie Brand,                         
Who was laid, one by one, by the band?                      
The bandleader cried,                                       
For three times he tried,                                   
But Old Limpyleg just wouldn't stand!                       
                                                            
51293 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim   25      



There was a young lass hight Camilla,                       
Who had a magical pillow.                                   
She'd lure men to her bed,                                  
And when it touched their head,                             
Their wands would droop like a willow.                      
                                                            
51294 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                               



This relationship's now gone quite platonic,                
And Willy just lies there, catatonic.                       
He stays fully flaccid                                      
And totally placid.                                         
Do you think that I need some new tonic                     
                                                            
51295 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                               



A lustful young lady named Frenum                           
Was left with an itch in her plenum.                        
With her flute, she made tries,                             
Her man's cobra to rise,                                    
But his viper was all out of venom.                         
                                                            
51296 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Albin Chaplin            



How he cried when he lost his erection!                     
Must have been from all that protection.                    
His balls were so blue,                                     
I guess yours'd be too,                                     
If you couldn't give a sperm injection.                     
                                                            
51297 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Jennifer W          T9801



A Frenchman whose plume was long dead                       
Hung crepe on the thing and then said,                      
"Sacre Bleu, also merde!                                    
Zat should have been spared,                                
For wat use am I now in ze bed!"                            
                                                            
51298 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim  191      



A middle-aged loser named Hecht                             
Kept grousing he got no respect,                            
Cause his wife, out of spite                                
Had told all within sight,                                  
"His prick simply won't stand erect."                       
                                                            
51299 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Armand E Singer       397



Just lately it's gone very soft;                            
Did not even twitch when I coughed.                         
The viagra cure                                             
Won't work any more,                                        
And praying can't get it aloft.                             
                                                            
51300 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                               



Bemoaned an old codger named Dwight,                        
"I suffer the ultimate blight;                              
I still love all the foreplay,                              
What I miss is the more play --                             
I can't get it up in the night!"                            
                                                            
51301 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Armand E Singer        46



A sad old ex-satyr named Weir                               
Remarked as he wept in his beer,                            
"As a sexual hero                                           
My status is zero--                                         
I ain't had it up for a year."                              
                                                            
51302 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          G0220



"The days were more sportive and merrier,"                  
An old Turk told a newsman named Ferrier,                   
"Before my magic wand,                                      
Of which women were fond,                                   
Became merely an old water carrier."                        
                                                            
51303 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      A N Wilkins       P8407  



One of Madison Avenue's head                                
Executives sobbed as he said,                               
"I'm a victim of treachery,                                 
For my rep here is lechery,                                 
And the thing I use for it is DEAD!"                        
                                                            
51304 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim  550      



There was an old geezer named Meeker,                       
Who sex urge grew weaker and weaker.                        
His pecker at night                                         
Could no women delight,                                     
Ending up as old Meeker's limp leaker.                      
                                                            
51305 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim   50      



I pity the old Duke of Kent                                 
Whose days as a stud are long spent;                        
He can't get it on,                                         
His potency's gone.                                         
His minds not too sure where it went.                       
                                                            
51306 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Armand E Singer       922



A frustrated nympho named Frome,                            
Told her boyfriend one midnight in Nome,                    
"If your penis stays dead                                   
You can hop out of bed,                                     
Put your clothes all back on and GO HOME!"                  
                                                            
51307 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim  053 G0078



An impotent first baseman named Cliff,                      
At the sexual plate he would whiff.                         
So he spent day and night                                   
In a high state of fright,                                  
Because he thought he could be scared stiff.                
                                                            
51308 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Tom Patton          P9704



A timid young man named Gary,                               
Was most desperately anxious to marry.                      
But he found the defection                                  
Of any erection,                                            
A difficult factor to parry.                                
                                                            
51309 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          L1422



A tailor whose tail had quite failed                        
Massaged his dead needle and quailed,                       
"My wife says a tailor                                      
Who is a tail failer,                                       
Should be first tarred and feathered, then jailed.          
                                                            
51310 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Grand Prix Lim  228      



There was a young lady named Bigger,                        
Who said as she squeezed on the trigger,                    
"You son of a bitch,                                        
My cunt has the itch,                                       
And in morte, you may attain rigor."                        
                                                            
51311 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          L1692



A British diplomat named Danner                             
Seduced a very young Jappaner.                              
Though he diddled for days,                                 
He could not get a raise,                                   
From a pecker which hung in this M,A,N,N,E,R.               
(MANNER is to be printed vertically)                        
51312 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Albin Chaplin 3024  G2001



A lecher named Robin Adair,                                 
Besotted with vin ordinaire,                                
Could get no erection                                       
But touched by affection,                                   
Would brandish his limp do-take-care.                       
                                                            
51313 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Armand E Singer       620



Septagenarians, wise,                                       
When recalling their most recent tries                      
Say, "As youths we'd complain                               
Being forced to abstain.                                    
It's quite easy now, since it won't rise."                  
                                                            
51314 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9708



That pitiful loser Hieronymus                               
Is forced to join Impotents Anonymous;                      
His thing just won't rise                                   
Like most other guys' --                                    
Ignoring commands, it's autonomous.                         
                                                            
51315 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE      Armand E Singer       744



A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien                         
Sighed, "Joe, you just keep right on tryin'.                
I'll leave you my card,                                     
And when it gets hard                                       
You wire me, or drop me a lian.                             
                                                            
51316 PENES - SOFT - IMPOSSIBLE                          G0156



I've conjured up visions of bliss                           
Of a pretty curvaceous young miss;                          
But my thing isn't working;                                 
It seems to be shirking                                     
And dismally drooping like this. (printed vertically)       
                                                            
51317 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



There's still no reaction, I fear;                          
I have terminal droop of the spear.                         
What I need is a lass                                       
With a cute little ass,                                     
To come snuggle on down with me here.                       
                                                            
51318 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



There was a young lady of Arden,                            
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.                    
Said she with a frown,                                      
"I've been sadly let down,                                  
By the tool of a fool in the garden."                       
(Who said, "Do you call that a hard-on?")                   
51319 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                             L0002



Quit fucking around with the gardener.                      
What you need is a new love pardner.                        
I'm very well hung                                          
And if you have a tongue,                                   
That's all I should need for a hardener.                    
                                                            
51320 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         MrMalo                   



An impotent fellow called Fred                              
Took a job as a waiter and said                             
To a diner called June                                      
Who complained of no spoon                                  
For her tea, "Shall I use this instead?"                    
                                                            
51321 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



So saying he whipped out his dick                           
Stirred her tea anti-clockwise (a trick                     
For the left-handed man)                                    
Which he did with elan                                      
And said, "There you are love; want a lick?"                
                                                            
51322 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



Remember old Uncle Tom Cobleigh?                            
Young girls used to make him feel knobbly.                  
Whenever they sat                                           
On his knees for a chat,                                    
He'd say, "Careful now; mind Mr. Wobbly."                   
                                                            
51323 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



"Ha ha!" cried his wife, "It won't show;                    
Mr. Wobbly's a wimp; I should know.                         
You're an impotent fool                                     
With a useless old tool;                                    
Should have left you a decade ago."                         
                                                            
51324 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



Said Tommy, "I'd rather NOT be                              
A wanky old geezer like me;                                 
When I was a pup                                            
I could get Wobbly up                                       
All night, and all day, if need be."                        
                                                            
51325 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



There was an old salty named Krimper                        
Whose pecker got limper and limper.                         
"We men are ill served;                                     
The world," he observed,                                    
"Ends not with a bang but a whimper."                       
                                                            
51326 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Armand E Singer       159



"I claim," wails the poet, haranguing,                      
"It's destiny, fate overhanging.                            
Never let down your guard;                                  
Paraphrasing the bard,                                      
'Life ends with a whimper, not banging.'"                   
                                                            
51327 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Armand E Singer      159A



I said though that those were the days,                     
When thrice-daily the girls I'd amaze                       
With my flexible joint,                                     
But it's come to the point:                                 
Now my peter takes ages to raise.                           
                                                            
51328 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Except when I'm passing the school                          
Between lunchtime and 2 (as a rule)                         
When the girlies at play                                    
Cause me trouser affray,                                    
As I stare at their bodies and drool.                       
                                                            
51329 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



"It's time we had sex again, Pat",                          
He said, flashing his member. "What's that?"                
She said, "Nasty limp thing;                                
I remember in Spring                                        
'44, it was juicy and fat."                                 
                                                            
51330 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



"But 55 years without lusting                               
Ain't fair", he said, "Look how it's rusting."              
"You knew when we wed                                       
And you took me to bed",                                    
She said, "Once was enough; you're disgusting."             
                                                            
51331 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES                                  



Whilst doing the deed with Lorraine,                        
Poor Bill lost the use of his vein.                         
She cried, "It's no good                                    
If you can't keep it wood!"                                 
He replied, "It's not up to the strain."                    
                                                            
51332 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Tim Fisher               



But her swan song had not yet been sung;                    
In fact, she had only begun.                                
She said, "Listen Billy,                                    
Now sort out your willy                                     
Or get the job done with your tongue."                      
                                                            
51333 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Tim Fisher               



At old age, Wilbur always had scoffed,                      
But he'd gone to the well much too oft.                     
To be sure, his intentions                                  
Retained giant dimensions,                                  
But the physical part had gone soft.                        
                                                            
51334 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Isaac Asimov             



Wilbur scoffed at the threat of the coffin,                 
But he'd gone to the well much too often.                   
To be sure, his intentions                                  
Retained giant dimensions,                                  
But his physical portion would soften.                      
                                                            
51335 PENES - SOFT - ZSERIES         Isaac Asimov             



There was an old fellow named Skinner,                      
Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.              
But still, by and large,                                    
It would always discharge,                                  
Once he could just get it within her.                       
(Once firmly implanted within her.)                         
51336 PENES - THIN                                       L0233



My mast, which I call my joint,                             
Has worn to a very sharp point                              
So it can insert                                            
without any hurt,                                           
Any pussy I choose to anoint.                               
                                                            
51337 PENES - THIN                                            



Said a patient young lovely in Winnipeg,                    
"My Willie has such a damn skinnipeg...                     
But there's been certain nights                             
When it gave sweet delights,                                
So it's better that not having ANY peg!"                    
                                                            
51338 PENES - THIN                   Grand Prix Lim  877      



A lonely young fellow named Jim                             
Couldn't get girls to have sex with him;                    
Although his dong                                           
Was twelve inches long,                                     
Five-eighths of an inch is too slim.                        
                                                            
51339 PENES - THIN                   Blowcephus         TP9802



A boastful young man they called Rick                       
Said: "I'll show you a fine nine inch prick.                
See this one of mine?                                       
Half of eighteen makes nine;                                
So I fold it, ain't that a trick!"                          
                                                            
51340 PENES - THIN                   Tiddy Ogg                



So I looked at the kid with a frown,                        
And I told him "You're really a clown.                      
That's your tie there, you fool.                            
When you do grow a tool,                                    
It will be quite a bit further down."                       
                                                            
51341 PENES - THIN                   Tiddy Ogg                



Poor men!  When the gods would demean us,                   
They allow, when we meet Venus,                             
The fount of Love where                                     
There's little to share,                                    
Endowed with a PILIFORM penis.                              
                                                            
51342 PENES - THIN                   Chris Papa               



The problem, of course, is his wick;                        
By no stretch of mind is it thick.                          
Even when lit,                                              
It still can't quite fit;                                   
A heftier torch does the trick!                             
                                                            
51343 PENES - THIN                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Prynne,                      
Whose prick was so short and so thin,                       
His wife found she needed                                   
A Fuckoscope--she did--                                     
To see if he'd gotten it in.                                
                                                            
51344 PENES - THIN                                       L0219



He's smaller than what he alleges,                          
Though he brags to the pretty young pledges.                
He claims that his dong                                     
Is thick, long and strong,                                  
But it's more like a Benson and Hedges.                     
                                                            
51345 PENES - THIN                   Margaret A. Murdock P8303



Once a young British Army deserter                          
Asked his girlfriend if intercourse hurt her.               
She replied, "Sometimes, Tommy,                             
If it's big, like salami,                                   
But not when it's like your frankfurter."                   
                                                            
51346 PENES - THIN                                       G0308



A fellow who lived in Berlin                                
Had a dick that was long and quite thin.                    
When he diddled the ladies                                  
Who were carrying babies,                                   
He was blown by the foetus within.                          
                                                            
51347 PENES - THIN                   Robert Elliot            



Said a modest young thing, Marguerite,                      
Whose charms were both neat and petite,                     
"Though quite long, your prick is                           
Not nearly as thick as                                      
The tool of my other friend, Pete."                         
                                                            
51348 PENES - THIN                                       G0401



There once was a freshman named Lynn,                       
Whose tool was as thin as a pin.                            
A virgin named Joan,                                        
From a bible-belt home,                                     
Said, "This isn't much of a sin."                           
                                                            
51349 PENES - THIN                                            



This gem, through modestly it hides,                        
He curls it up in his insides.                              
But females do not grin,                                    
Despite how far it goes in,                                 
'Cause he's only a centimeter wide!                         
                                                            
51350 PENES - THIN                                            



What? His girlfriend did say,                               
Put that in my mouth? No! Ixnay!                            
To pick my teeth good                                       
I'd rather have wood,                                       
So put your wee willy away!                                 
                                                            
51351 PENES - THIN                                            



While screwing his sister that night,                       
Achmed had a bit of a fright.                               
He thought that he saw                                      
His brother-in-law;                                         
It stayed in, but not nearly as tight.                      
                                                            
51352 PENES - THIN                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0306



There was a young man from Berlin,                          
Had a prick most exceedingly thin.                          
With this long slender peter,                               
He could screw an ureter,                                   
If only he know how to get in.                              
                                                            
51353 PENES - THIN                                       G0253



There was a young man of Fall River,                        
Whose tool was a thin as a sliver.                          
It would dart in and out                                    
Like a speckled brook trout,                                
But the scales always made the girls shiver.                
                                                            
51354 PENES - THIN                                       G0326



Ingenious a fellow named Hubbell                            
Who well knew the heartbreak of trouble.                    
When his prick got so thin                                  
That it wouldn't stay in,                                   
He bent it and stuck it in double.                          
                                                            
51355 PENES - THIN                   Armand E Singer       516



Beide kurz und zu schmerzlos -- das bin ich,                
As I'm told by a maiden that's Finnish;                     
She likes wangers that wince                                
Till her eyes up and squints,                               
While mine is both klein and zu thin-ish.                   
                                                            
51356 PENES - THIN                   Hugh Clary               



His pecker was the size of a pencil;                        
"No 2" on it he'd stencil.                                  
But it was kinda handy,                                     
You could even say dandy;                                   
It doubled as tooth picking utensil.                        
                                                            
51357 PENES - THIN                                            



There once was a man name of Ballion                        
Whose pecker was shaped like a scallion.                    
He said to Miss Mole,                                       
With her quarter inch hole,                                 
At last I've a place I can dally in.                        
                                                            
51358 PENES - THIN                   Little Potts        P8604



Beloved bouncy bottoms so sweet,                            
How I long for the day when we meet,                        
Taking turns overlap                                        
For hand paddle and strap,                                  
Till we both are ablaze with the heat.                      
                                                            
51359 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



Algolagniac roues from Leeds                                
Do indulge in the queerest of deeds.                        
They lay on with quirts                                     
Till blood flows in squirts,                                
To satisfy deep-seated needs.                               
(algolagnia - finding sexual pleasure inflicting pain)      
51360 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Armand E Singer        73



"Come here and say that!" she said,                         
Then she bonked him right upside his head.                  
He turned a quick stare,                                    
Then made her butt bare,                                    
And spanked her and put her to bed.                         
                                                            
51361 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



Wee leprechaun Willy O'Mix                                  
Met Deborah Dominatrix;                                     
She beat without mercy                                      
His poor little percy,                                      
With twiglets and willowy stix.                             
                                                            
51362 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



That is quite a mouthful you're bleating,                   
And methinks you are ripe for a beating.                    
But here in my house                                        
If my husband, the louse,                                   
Agreed, he would go without eating!                         
                                                            
51363 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Anon                     



Why is that whip in your closet?                            
My suspicions it does sure posit.                           
Preferred in black leather                                  
I'd like to know whether                                    
The tip's single or really composite.                       
                                                            
51364 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



Jemima, for mumbling her name,                              
Had her bottom well-spanked with a cane.                    
She thought it quite good                                   
To be misunderstood,                                        
If it meant getting more of the same.                       
                                                            
51365 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            C M                      



A sweet little angel called Beck                            
Was guilty of bouncing a Check.                             
Panties down all the way,                                   
Kicking wildly away;                                        
Would she do it again?  In a sec.                           
                                                            
51366 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



Since we both seem to share the same itches,                
I consider it bounteous riches,                             
When I think of what she                                    
Will be owing me,                                           
I thank heaven that we are both switches!                   
                                                            
51367 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



Her bottom was craving some heat,                           
So she set out to get her butt beat.                        
But she found out that fire                                 
Would come from his ire;                                    
Now she can't even sit on her seat.                         
                                                            
51368 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



My lithe lovely lascivious lady,                            
Who I'm planning to take somewhere shady,                   
With a nice alder switch,                                   
I'll make her sweet buns twitch                             
By the cold water bubbling cascady.                         
                                                            
51369 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



A sweet little Miss known as Patti                          
Was acting perplexed and quite scatty.                      
She couldn't keep straight                                  
When she's due from her date,                               
So she got a good spanking from daddy.                      
                                                            
51370 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            D. A. Landhill           



A naughty young girl is our Jane;                           
She went parking in a dark lover's lane.                    
When home she returned,                                     
She found that she'd earned                                 
A date with the hairbrush and cane.                         
                                                            
51371 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            D. A. Landhill           



Cranky and crabby she was.                                  
When asked why, she said, "Just because."                   
So her panties were dropped                                 
And her bare bottom popped,                                 
Till a climax retracted her claws.                          
                                                            
51372 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



Rectal hygiene is easy.                                     
Try S&M if you are queasy.                                  
If you get in a rut,                                        
Let a Dom spank your butt.                                  
Sometimes it does pay to be sleazy.                         
                                                            
51373 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Christopher              



Now, ahem, to the business at hand                          
(My recovery was wonderfully grand)                         
Just took me a minute                                       
To get right back in it                                     
But more "torture" I think I could stand                    
                                                            
51374 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



But dear, what should next be my dream?                     
My fantasy's fulfilled it seems...                          
But I'm just growing hotter...                              
It seems that we oughter                                    
Get back into this...have some cream.                       
                                                            
51375 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



The red satin sheets are all wet now                        
But that it is no bother my pet, now                        
It's my turn to cuff you;                                   
If you've had enough, you                                   
Have only to yell out, OH WOW!;)                            
                                                            
51376 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



Strapped down to the bed, can't you move?                   
Oh, poor baby, your fears I will soothe                     
With a lick, and a kiss                                     
Oh my darling, won't miss                                   
An inch of you! First I'll remove...                        
                                                            
51377 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



...That black leather g-string, for heat...                 
I think that I might use my teeth                           
And the tip of my tongue                                    
I think that will be fun                                    
And then I'll take a taste of your meat!                    
                                                            
51378 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



But just that...the anticipation                            
Will make for the better erection                           
A flick of the tongue                                       
On your nipple, oh come                                     
And let's disuade your fears of rejection!                  
                                                            
51379 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



Now back to your penis I go                                 
It's hard as a rock now, and so                             
Put it in my mouth                                          
Makes me so hot down south                                  
Back to your torso I go                                     
                                                            
51380 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



But further up...now to your face;                          
I hope you won't think it disgrace-                         
Ful; Open wide --                                           
Time for tasting my thigh,                                  
And where it joins pussy and lace.                          
                                                            
51381 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



I'm straddling you, now I'm taking                          
My panties off...dear, are you quaking?                     
Now I bring down my cunt                                    
To your lips, your tongue hunts                             
For my clitoris...FUN in the making!                        
                                                            
51382 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



Eating pussy gives courage to Skip                          
So when feeling his nerve start to slip                     
He dives for the pearl                                      
Of the nearest young girl                                   
And returns with a stiff upper lip.                         
                                                            
51383 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



Ah, the bliss of an evening well spent;                     
How I hope that your tool is not bent!                      
For a little bit later                                      
My sweet alligator                                          
If you're not too tired, we'll rent...                      
                                                            
51384 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



...A movie or two to our liking;                            
The bed and the sheets so inviting                          
After all of this rhyme                                     
Dear, it's cuddling time                                    
Then back to our hot, sexy writing!                         
                                                            
51385 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



How I cherish my little spankbunny,                         
Who is making my insides feel funny,                        
As she leads me to guess,                                   
Oh dear, I confess,                                         
That her tongue can turn flesh into honey.                  
                                                            
51386 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



Naughty Lucy will stand in her room                         
Looking into a dark corner's gloom,                         
And her seat will remind her                                
Of what is behind her:                                      
A lesson in cleaning her room.                              
                                                            
51387 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            D. A. Landhill           



Why is that whip in your closet?                            
A new sexual bridge? Shall I cross it?                      
I want something new                                        
For my pleasure, it's true.                                 
But if that's your best offer, I'll toss it!                
                                                            
51388 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



I ordered Miss Sherrie to strip                             
And receive several strokes of my whip.                     
But while doffing her scanties                              
She stopped short of her panties;                           
I was lost -- for she gave me the slip.                     
                                                            
51389 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            D. A. Landhill           



My friend John's a respectable banker                       
But he's gnawed by desires like a canker.                   
"A girl there should be                                     
To take over my knee,                                       
Where I'd pull down her panties and spank her."             
                                                            
51390 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            D. A. Landhill           



It causes me greatly to squirm,                             
When I think of her buns cute and firm,                     
Bouncing under my hand                                      
While she feels really grand                                
As her squeals and her wiggles affirm.                      
                                                            
51391 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



There once was a girl from Seattle                          
Who loved to be spanked with a paddle.                      
She'd jiggle her rump                                       
In hopes of a thump,                                        
And prayed that her son wouldn't tattle.                    
                                                            
51392 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



I hope that this type of love making                        
Does not turn you off, I'm forsaking                        
My normal conserv-                                          
Ative nature, I'm sure                                      
But it's all in the fun of the quaking!                     
                                                            
51393 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



I get hot just thinking of handcuffs;                       
And being tied down, it's so rough!                         
Be gentle my dear                                           
But if you'll spank my rear,                                
You'll have a faceful of pussy and cunt-fluff.              
                                                            
51394 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



Just hit me and I will behave                               
Like your very own toilet slave.                            
I'll be your bidet,                                         
You command, I'll spray.                                    
I'll help you stay clean, fresh and save.                   
                                                            
51395 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



Please whip me and flay me and flog                         
And call me a shit-eating dog,                              
With piss for a brain.                                      
When you pull my chain,                                     
I'll jump up and give you a snog...                         
                                                            
51396 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



But turning to my dreams of late,                           
One thing puts me into a state.                             
Though I'm not one for pain,                                
I'll come again and again                                   
With a little love-smack from my mate!                      
                                                            
51397 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



There was a young schoolboy named Wayne,                    
Who cried buckets if he got the cane.                       
With his hand looking red,                                  
He went to dad and said,                                    
"I've got a low threshold for pain."                        
                                                            
51398 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Arthur Pattaffy          



Said the leatherman to his admirer,                         
My last partner, I had to fire her.                         
I asked, "Take off you hood."                               
But it did me no good,                                      
For I found I'd no longer desire her.                       
                                                            
51399 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a nasty old fart,                            
Who thought paddling women an art.                          
He was right on, of course,                                 
And he felt no remorse                                      
For the bottoms he'd paddled right smart.                   
                                                            
51400 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



Said a sweet girl from fair Nova Scotia,                    
"Hon, I don't think this spanking's quite kosher.           
Being spanked by your hand                                  
I find utterly grand,                                       
But a folded-up holiday brochure??"                         
                                                            
51401 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



Pull down your panties, my dear;                            
It's past time I paddled your rear.                         
You've acted the tease                                      
And my temper needs ease.                                   
You won't sit for a week now I fear.                        
                                                            
51402 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



A certain young bircher from Brum,                          
Enjoyed spanking his lady's fair bum.                       
The lady, named Beatty,                                     
Loved the hand of her sweetie,                              
But was certainly not "under his thumb!"                    
                                                            
51403 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



Of nuns, I have something to say.                           
They were good at spanking, OK?                             
They taught me a few tricks;                                
Pain and pleasure do mix.                                   
Now spanking is erotic play.                                
                                                            
51404 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            StarOak                  



You seem to have quite a hankering                          
For belts, whips, and shoes used for spankering.            
Well spanking is nice                                       
If applied once or twice,                                   
As long as it leads to a yankering.                         
                                                            
51405 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Mike Hunter              



Will you please come on, flog me please!                    
I'm down on my hands and my knees!                          
Strike my ass with your paddle!                             
I swear I won't tattle,                                     
If you promise my balls you will tease!                     
                                                            
51406 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



As I understand it, this toff,                              
Who came to your seat for a boff,                           
Has a tongue that's so acid,                                
It makes grown men flaccid                                  
whenever it leads her to scoff.                             
                                                            
51407 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Lucy                     



That's true; but she caters for blue-                       
Blooded toffs with a fetish or two,                         
For a spank and a curse                                     
From their nursery nurse,                                   
Which for cash she is willing to do.                        
                                                            
51408 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Peter Wilkins            



She lowers their drawers and leathers                       
Blue-blooded bums in their tethers.                         
Brings a flush to the cheeks                                
With her wounding critiques                                 
Of their in-bred aristocrat nethers.                        
                                                            
51409 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Lucy                     



Unless one is highly neurotic,                              
Spanking can be quite erotic;                               
With latex and leathers,                                    
Or satin and feathers --                                    
It can be plain or exotic.                                  
                                                            
51410 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm really not much into pain;                              
From S&M I do try to abstain.                               
Not as giver or receiver,                                   
You can just ask my beaver.                                 
Pleasure is so much more humane.                            
                                                            
51411 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Cheryl                   



Had best keep my temper at bay,                             
'Cause if someone might see that I flay                     
You or give you a flog,                                     
My dear faithful old dog,                                   
They might call the R.S.P.C.A.                              
                                                            
51412 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



Oh the rapture it causes for me,                            
When I think of her over my knee,                           
As I spank and I wale                                       
On her rosy red tail,                                       
While her kicks are delightful to see.                      
                                                            
51413 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



I know a hot spankable girl,                                
Whose toes are quite likely to curl,                        
When I write how her pranking                               
That gets her a spanking,                                   
Will turn her to ruby from pearl.                           
                                                            
51414 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



A naughty young girl was Miss Joan                          
(She talked much too long on the phone)                     
So she's sent to bed,                                       
And will not be fed,                                        
And whenever she's seated, she'll moan.                     
                                                            
51415 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            D. A. Landhill           



Oh I just cannot help it but shiver,                        
As her words make me tremble and quiver.                    
With her threats and her teases,                            
She tempts and she pleases,                                 
And somehow I'm sure she'll deliver.                        
                                                            
51416 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



The Pope, a Priest, and a wanker,                           
Went to heal an old gal with a canker.                      
She kissed the Pope's ring,                                 
She heard the Priest sing,                                  
But the best the last did was to spank her.                 
                                                            
51417 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS                                     



To his wife Mr Williams said, "Hon,                         
I am well aware that it's un-                               
Characteristic-                                             
Ally sadistic                                               
For me to spank you.  But it's fun."                        
                                                            
51418 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Michael Weinstein   P0312



Clarissa still thinks that I scorn her                      
Attention, but soon I'll inform her                         
Of how bad girls are noticed,                               
Bending down to touch toetips,                              
Then standing with nose in a corner.                        
                                                            
51419 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            D. A. Landhill           



There is a sweet woman I know,                              
Who is very eager to show                                   
Her sweet satins and lace                                   
And the parts that they grace,                              
That she's making me quiver, you know.                      
                                                            
51420 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Rosy B. Goode            



Tom gave apples to his best teacher,                        
His true feelings seem not to reach her.                    
He kept getting the cane                                    
Again, and again;                                           
Her caning arm was her best feature.                        
                                                            
51421 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Arthur Pattaffy          



I knocked and then opened with care;                        
She was inside, bent over a chair.                          
I lifted her skirt;                                         
Said "My dear, this may hurt,"                              
Grabbed a beer and began to prepare.                        
                                                            
51422 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Robert Bowden            



A former teacher from the Ukraine                           
Said when he was at school, he'd a cane.                    
Six strokes on the behind                                   
Was quite apt to remind                                     
The recipient -- don't do it again.                         
                                                            
51423 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Arthur Pattaffy          



A large domitrix I did know                                 
Through her advert I saw in Soho.                           
It read, "Passion waning?                                   
I prescribe a stern caning                                  
Which we'll videotape, blow by blow."                       
                                                            
51424 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



A fellow from Bangor named Bruce,                           
Would often have sex with a moose.                          
But his brother named Bret,                                 
Had some weirder sex yet,                                   
With a knothole he found in a spruce.                       
                                                            
51425 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Cap'n Bean          P0012



Why is that whip in your closet?                            
Wanting a penile deposit?                                   
I admit it'd be nice,                                       
'Cause my pecker's like ice!                                
A good whipping usually thaws it!                           
                                                            
51426 PERVERTS - BIRCHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



Handcuffs, ropes, chains and gag,                           
Wrapped up inside of a bag;                                 
My wife is quite odd,                                       
But I'm a lucky bod,                                        
She's never has been known to nag.                          
                                                            
51427 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Gillian B                



As Mame laces up her black boot,                            
Oils her whip, can you refute....                           
She has gleam in her eye;                                   
She knows just which guy                                    
Will be whipped until he is mute.                           
                                                            
51428 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



The whip will leave a reminder                              
That Mame will never be kinder.                             
You don't cross this bitch,                                 
If you don't want the switch                                
To lay open your ugly behinder.                             
                                                            
51429 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Timid Tim wed a virgin named Heather.                       
She was shy when they cuddled together.                     
But the first time they stripped,                           
He got hogtied and whipped,                                 
By a thigh-booted bitch in black leather!                   
                                                            
51430 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Lims For Year - 01       



The cad leaped from behind the drape,                       
And caught Leslie with mouth agape.                         
And then the foul swine                                     
Bound her up with twine,                                    
And sealed her mouth with silvery tape.                     
                                                            
51431 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Historian                



There was a girl all dressed in leathers;                   
Her wrists and ankles bound in tethers.                     
Her hands they were bagged;                                 
Her mouth is was gagged;                                    
Her tormentors approached her with feathers.                
                                                            
51432 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



The girl she struggled intensely;                           
The bondage she enjoyed immensely.                          
A feather was applied                                       
As she lay on her side,                                     
To which she giggled so tensely.                            
                                                            
51433 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



In the bonds she could gain her no slack.                   
Knowledge of escape she did lack.                           
The ropes they grew tighter!                                
With a flick of a lighter,                                  
She felt the drip on her back.                              
                                                            
51434 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



Five fingers started to probe.                              
A hot tongue caressed at her lobe.                          
Some thing at her snatch;                                   
The warmth of a match!                                      
Sharp teeth nibbled too, at her globe.                      
                                                            
51435 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



She squirmed harder and whimpered in glee,                  
Her torments nearing agony.                                 
The fingers drove deep,                                     
Deep into her keep.                                         
She moaned louder in ecstasy!                               
                                                            
51436 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



Her tormentors paused in delight                            
To savor so pleasant a sight.                               
They passed 'round a fag,                                   
Then tightened the gag --                                   
Saying "Happy Holidays to all and good night!"              
                                                            
51437 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



Instead of cuffs, how 'bout my nightie --                   
I'll tie it around your wrists tightie --                   
Then I'll do my worst,                                      
Till you think that you'll burst --                         
How's that for carnal delightie?                            
                                                            
51438 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Kaylin                   



My lover, while mounting me, slipped;                       
Too much baby oil, lost her grip.                           
I tried to hold on                                          
But like a flash she was gone.                              
So next time we're chained at the hip!                      
                                                            
51439 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Said the pervert, "I'll take strangulation                  
Over whipping or straight subjugation,                      
To enhance the orgasm                                       
Of victims that has 'em,                                    
Undergoing coerced masturbation."                           
                                                            
51440 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             John Miller              



Lads, I know this will give you a fright                    
But I'd say to your care bears, hold tight:                 
Won't let one of you slip                                   
And I'm cracking my whip,                                   
'Cause I don't feel submissive tonight.                     
                                                            
51441 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



I want a man who will say, "Please...                       
Torture me, spank me and tease."                            
I want to hear, "Madame.."                                  
From each Tom, Dick, and Adam,                              
As they crawl to me on their knees.                         
                                                            
51442 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



She was haughtily aristocratic,                             
Curvaceously plump and pneumatic;                           
She wielded a whip                                          
And demanded I strip,                                       
To anticipate feelings ecstatic.                            
                                                            
51443 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Peter Wilkins            



Girl, how will I ever restrain                              
This thing that now boggles my brain?                       
Got one of those straps?                                    
Some black leather wraps?                                   
A bridle thing with a strong rein?                          
                                                            
51444 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             H Whelchel               



I've got a surprise or two;                                 
Will these fuzzy red handcuffs do?                          
Right after my quiche,                                      
I'm grabbing the leash.                                     
Who wears it this time, me or you?                          
                                                            
51445 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Arden                    



I've been a bad boy -- this we know.                        
It's time for some penance to show.                         
Embarass me rough --                                        
A fuzzy red cuff                                            
Will let the world know I'm a ho'.                          
                                                            
51446 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             H WHELCHEL               



Take me on a leash to the park.                             
Walk me around nude in the dark.                            
Tell all the peepers                                        
And sleepers and creepers,                                  
I'm dog-slave to your Matriarch.                            
                                                            
51447 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             H WHELCHEL               



Down on your knees, sniveling dog!                          
Stay there as stiff as a log,                               
Else you'll feel the tip                                    
Of my little whip,                                          
So much you'll be left in a fog.                            
                                                            
51448 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Arden                    



I'd rather that you do not holler,                          
When around your neck goes the collar;                      
Studded with spikes,                                        
Of which the likes                                          
Cost well over $500 dollar.                                 
                                                            
51449 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Arden                    



I'm takin you now for a walk;                               
Best not let me hear you balk                               
Or you'll get a kick                                        
Smack on your dick;                                         
Not one word, be still, do not talk!                        
                                                            
51450 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Arden                    



My, we did scare that young fag!                            
I love when you puff up and brag                            
Of how you're the Queen                                     
And all that is mean!                                       
Thanks for removing my gag!                                 
                                                            
51451 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             H WHELCHEL               



You have been such a good boy,                              
I'll let you play with this toy.                            
It's soft and it's round                                    
With two global mounds.                                     
I know it will bring you much joy.                          
                                                            
51452 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Arden                    



A dominant lady from Yale,                                  
Liked to beat on her slaves with a flail;                   
Saying, "Be looking cute,                                   
While your licking my boot,                                 
And continue on up to my tail!                              
                                                            
51453 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Richard Long             



But secretly I will admit                                   
That I'd really quite like to submit                        
To your will and lie prone,                                 
As you ride on my bone,                                     
Or demand that I tongue your sweet clit.                    
                                                            
51454 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Said a lover in downtown Rangoon,                           
"You're going nowhere very soon.                            
You may struggle and squirm,                                
But it's hard, you will learn                               
To get out of a duct tape cocoon!"                          
                                                            
51455 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Mick Stupp               



A fine chap from England there was                          
Whose expertise was all the buzz.                           
He could tie to a tee,                                      
And escape then scott-free.                                 
When asked why, all he said was "Because!"                  
                                                            
51456 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



We'll start with a dinner for two,                          
These oysters and champagne might do.                       
And I must be careful                                       
Not to do something awful,                                  
Like spilling the cream over you.                           
                                                            
51457 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Archie                   



We have kissed, and bumped nose to nose,                    
And fumbled us out of our clothes.                          
With practice we will                                       
Improve at this skill,                                      
But now some new problems arose.                            
                                                            
51458 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Archie                   



I've found the nice chains and the whips,                   
And the cuffs.  Now, your new beau quips,                   
It's you who decide                                         
On whose trembling hide                                     
We'll attach these shiny new clips.                         
                                                            
51459 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Archie                   



It has been suggested that you                              
Might be kinky and yes, it is true!                         
I'm not really minding                                      
Who's in charge of the binding;                             
We can take turns since it's just for us two.               
                                                            
51460 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Archie                   



There was a young girl named Amanda,                        
Who was tied all up on the veranda.                         
Every limb was bound                                        
With rope all around,                                       
Ane then gagged with a bananda.                             
                                                            
51461 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Historian                



An English lass called Lady Zed                             
When asked about nightwear just said,                       
"Rubber's too hot;                                          
Rope itches a lot,                                          
So I always wear handcuffs to bed."                         
                                                            
51462 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Gillian B                



There is nothing that's so satisfying,                      
Than to sit on a man when he's lying.                       
The ultimate goal                                           
Is to sit on his pole,                                      
Then make him feel helpless while sighing.                  
                                                            
51463 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Jayne                    



There was a young girl whose affection                      
In passing, could cause an erection.                        
With three feet of rope,                                    
A gag and some soap,                                        
She could achieve hot-tied perfection!                      
                                                            
51464 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Curt                     



Young Pedro from Malaga, Spain,                             
Kept his wife on a short length of chain.                   
She could get to the kitchen                                
And bed, but kept bitchin'                                  
`s if she had cause to complain.                            
                                                            
51465 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Peter Wilkin             



His woman she might not be bitchin'                         
If she spent less time in the kitchen.                      
The leash reaches bed,                                      
If he used his head,                                        
With that hunger he'd get her twitchin'.                    
                                                            
51466 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



A slender young man from Hangow                             
Wed a fascistic old bag of a frau.                          
"Achtung!" she would say,                                   
"We'll do it my way!                                        
When I come, you jump off, and kow-tow."                    
                                                            
51467 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             OgniGioia                



Leather and Chains may be good upon thee,                   
But I'm afraid the whip's out, Ms. Magee.                   
I know it seems tame,                                       
But I'm not into pain,                                      
And whipping your butt is way beyond me!                    
                                                            
51468 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



We will have to try our new games,                          
The ones that are given no names!                           
So - handcuffs and whips?                                   
Or clips on the nips?                                       
Or, maybe, inviting more dames?                             
                                                            
51469 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



An S. and M. freak, name of Heather                         
Was into restraints and black leather,                      
Spiked heels and cruel whips,                               
Cock rings and cunt clips,                                  
And tying her men to a tether.                              
                                                            
51470 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Armand E Singer       575



There was a young lady named Hope                           
Who loved to be wrapped up in rope.                         
Her man said, "That's fine;                                 
I've brought miles of twine.                                
And it keeps her quite still while I grope.                 
                                                            
51471 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Gillian B                



I'm Ericka, woman of power.                                 
Come into my dungeon and cower!                             
I'll smack on your bum                                      
Till you're ready to come.                                  
The cost? Just three hundred an hour.                       
                                                            
51472 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Ericka                   



It seem that there is quite a hassle,                       
In finding a nice bondage castle.                           
The leather and whips                                       
Are stinging my nips,                                       
And some like their balls pierced with tassles!             
                                                            
51473 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Coolbreeze               



My physiotherapist's cross;                                 
For words she was just at a loss.                           
Weight-training she frowns,                                 
My push-ups she downs,                                      
Once weekly I let her be boss.                              
                                                            
51474 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Now that you're inside the stocks,                          
I'll tell you I changed all the locks.                      
So it'll do you no good,                                    
If you work off the hood,                                   
To go for the keys in your socks.                           
                                                            
51475 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Mick Stupp               



No, man, I don't do the wanking;                            
I prefer S&M when I'm spanking.                             
With handcuffs and whips                                    
And tears, cuts and rips,                                   
S&M's number one in world ranking.                          
                                                            
51476 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Nik Synytskyy            



All wrapped up in latex, Schinderhannes,                    
Was trembling at Mistress Roseanne's                        
Kinky confection:                                           
Receiving correction                                        
From a troop of sadistic Uhlans.  (Prussian calvary)        
                                                            
51477 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Now, please, sweetheart, get a grip;                        
You're on a big self-pity trip.                             
Just call me a liar                                         
But your secret desire                                      
Includes leather, chains, and a whip!                       
                                                            
51478 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Observer                 



I took time to write you this letter,                       
In hopes that your pain I'd unfetter.                       
So dear, don't bemoan it;                                   
Just take it and own it.                                    
And you're sure to feel a great deal better.                
                                                            
51479 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Observer                 



Glory! I shout, Alleluia!                                   
At last I have made it with Julia!                          
In the stygian gloom                                        
Of her small "secret" room,                                 
That's filled with devices peculiar.                        
                                                            
51480 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Don't let her sweet countenance fool ya,                    
She's a dominatrix, and she'll rule ya,                     
While you're tied up in chains                              
You'll experience sweet pains,                              
With canes and horse whips she will school ya.              
                                                            
51481 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



She'll put metal clamps on your tool, ya                    
Have never met anyone crueller,                             
But that Sade bloke explains,                               
True pleasure's through pains,                              
If you're hot for it, let Julia cool ya.                    
                                                            
51482 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Scruples I've got by the score!                             
Here's one I have not said before:                          
There'll be no fellation                                    
In this consultation.                                       
(But feel free to spank me some more.)                      
                                                            
51483 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Peter                    



You all fine built broads here with curve,                  
Who bring with them gusto and nerve,                        
And who love leather straps                                 
Or been handcuffed perhaps,                                 
Can spend a fine night with this perv.                      
                                                            
51484 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Dude                     



A gentleman Katey knew slightly,                            
Persisted in E-mailing nightly,                             
To ask her if she                                           
Would ever be free                                          
To come 'round and tie him up tightly.                      
                                                            
51485 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Kate Gray                



While the damsel fluttered her eyelashes,                   
The villain he twirled his moustaches.                      
"Now she's tied to the tracks,                              
But the trains are so lax,                                  
She'll died of old age, drat and dashes!"                   
                                                            
51486 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Gillian B & Mike Stupp   



A plucky young lady named Potts                             
(In Newark and Leeds tied up lots)                          
Said, "Ropework in Yorks                                    
Never quite works,                                          
So I prefer to be tied up in Notts.                         
                                                            
51487 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Gillian B                



A masochist lithper named Chitholm                          
Stalks dominants just to be with 'em,                       
And can't get too much                                      
Of lashings and such,                                       
While twisting his torso in rhythm.                         
                                                            
51488 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Armand Singer       P0402



I like to dress up in fine leather....                      
Makes a man wonder whether                                  
I'm really as mean                                          
As the whip makes me seem,                                  
Or shall I torture him with a feather?                      
                                                            
51489 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



And when we are through with this game,                     
Right after I came and I came                               
From submissive lips                                        
On the tip of my clit,                                      
He will say, "Is it my turn now, Mame?"                     
                                                            
51490 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



"After you lick my boots clean,"                            
I will say if I'm still feeling mean.                       
I'll watch him adore me                                     
Until it will bore me.                                      
It's time for a new sexy scene...                           
                                                            
51491 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



I like the idea of traction!                                
I would love to see your reaction,                          
If I tickle your gear,                                      
And suckle your ear,                                        
Or practice the opposite action.                            
                                                            
51492 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Marlene                  



I've never been strapped in the buff.                       
(Well, maybe a blindfold or cuff.)                          
But traction? Well, Hell!                                   
Lets try it a spell!                                        
Just leave my thing free for your muff.                     
                                                            
51493 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             H WHELCHEL               



Perhaps with a strong block and tackle,                     
I'll hang you, ass-down, from a shackle,                    
Then hoist up and down,                                     
And spin you around,                                        
And spurt you chock-full of my spackle...                   
                                                            
51494 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             H WHELCHEL               



There're reasons this cannot be done.                       
My stomach's not steady, for one.                           
I'd get motion sick;                                        
I'd barf on your prick.                                     
Does that really sound like much fun?                       
                                                            
51495 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Marlene                  



A lovely young girl from Dunblane                           
Was throoughly bound up with chain.                         
By the time she got out,                                    
She'd had cause to shout.                                   
Now she can't wait to try it again.                         
                                                            
51496 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Mick Stupp               



Put on all that leather gear, black,                        
With stiletto heels walk up my back.                        
Feed with such domination,                                  
My masochistic elation,                                     
If you want that I'm good in the sack.                      
                                                            
51497 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



Hey, if I put you in a sack,                                
And then walked all over you back,                          
You'd turn black and blue,                                  
And when I was through,                                     
I'd throw you out on the train track.                       
                                                            
51498 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



I never wear leather, 'cept shoes.                          
Suggestions you've made I'll refuse.                        
I'll tie you with silk                                      
And bathe you in milk,                                      
And you'll go home one big blue bruise.                     
                                                            
51499 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



One evening, with forethought and malice,                   
A horny gal travelled to Dallas.                            
She liked to play cowboy,                                   
Saying, "Hey, you be my boy,                                
Just bring on the whips and the phallus!"                   
                                                            
51500 PERVERTS - BONDAGE             Richard Long             



The door leading into 3A                                    
Is better than any foreplay.                                
The whips and the canes                                     
And chandelier chains,                                      
Make playtime a little risque.                              
                                                            
51501 PERVERTS - BONDAGE                                      



A very poor flasher named Kling                             
Would tie a tin cup to his thing.                           
Exposing, he'd near                                         
Then shedding a tear,                                       
'Three Coins in a Fountain', he'd sing.                     
                                                            
51502 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8806



"My son, take it under advisement                           
What that woman showing her thighs meant.                   
She is no work of art,                                      
She is only a tart                                          
Engaging in self-advertisement."                            
                                                            
51503 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Lance Payne         P8806



A streaker -- a Flasher who tries                           
To meanwhile get some exercise.                             
If one streaks at you,                                      
Madam, what to do                                           
Is rapidly prop up your thighs.                             
(does not make sense - McW)                                 
51504 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8806



Though eighty, a flasher neamed Ray                         
At the Flower Club Show late in May,                        
Just by opening his coat,                                   
Why that randy old goat,                                    
Won first prize for the best dried bouquet.                 
                                                            
51505 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Bob Giandomenico    P8804



There once was a ravenous fairy                             
Who loved to see little folks merry.                        
So he gave them a look                                      
And with laughter they shook                                
When he showed them his thing, big and hairy.               
                                                            
51506 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Bob Giandomenico    P8711



JFK we all knew was a masher.                               
Tricky Dick was a Watergate crasher.                        
Some people who fussed                                      
When HST cussed,                                            
Now are cussing our nation's First Flasher.                 
(HST - Harry S. Truman)                                     
51507 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            John Miller              



Sir Arthur Abercrombie Argyle                               
Went out always dressed in grand style.                     
But one day in a trance                                     
He forgot to wear pants,                                    
And was booked on a charge to defile.                       
                                                            
51508 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Warrick Elrod            



After streakers appeared at The Flask,                      
Friends called the bartender to ask,                        
"Were they women or men?"                                   
"I couldn't tell them,"                                     
He replied, "for each one wore a mask."                     
                                                            
51509 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8312



The reason a shy man named Rex                              
Is a flasher, the town shrink suspects,                     
It's the one way he's found,                                
Much as he's been around,                                   
To commune with the opposite sex.                           
                                                            
51510 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



When it snows, you will find Sister Sledge                  
Out mooning at night on the ledge.                          
One storey down,                                            
Is the maestro James Brown,                                 
Displaying his meat and two veg.                            
                                                            
51511 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Bill Wall                



A fancy man sometimes displayed                             
Himself to dames on The Parade.                             
When friends asked him why,                                 
They received this reply:                                   
"It's one way of drumming up trade."                        
                                                            
51512 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



The flasher, he said to his penis,                          
"They'll be so amazed when they've seen us!                 
To hell with the law!                                       
Says you can't be raw;                                      
Restrictive type laws are quite heinous."                   
                                                            
51513 PERVERTS - FLASHERS                                     



He flashed open his coat in the square.                     
Which made Gracie cry out "Hey, Cher --                     
It's the Elephant Man.                                      
Do you think he can                                         
Walk straight with that thing danglin' there?"              
                                                            
51514 PERVERTS - FLASHERS                                     



That made him so mad that he sneered,                       
"You ladies should be quite afeared                         
Of my awesome power!                                        
So, why don't you cower,                                    
While I puff this up some," he leered.                      
                                                            
51515 PERVERTS - FLASHERS                                     



His puff was just one little tweet.                         
He snapped his coat closed in defeat.                       
"It must be you two!                                        
You're witches, that's who!"                                
He shuffled off dragging his ... feet.                      
                                                            
51516 PERVERTS - FLASHERS                                     



That Elephant Man had some guts,                            
But left with his trunk in the ruts                         
By the side of the road.                                    
Alas, he still knowd                                        
'Twas good for picking up peanuts.                          
                                                            
51517 PERVERTS - FLASHERS                                     



There was a strange student from Yale,                      
Who put himself outside the pale.                           
Said the Judge: "Please refrain,                            
When passing through Maine,                                 
From exposing yourself, again in the train,                 
Or you'll just have to do it in jail."                      
51518 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Anon                     



At the Met's Richard Strauss exhibition                     
When the seventh veil fell by tradition,                    
A flasher arose                                             
In the loges to pose,                                       
And give Salome some competition.                           
                                                            
51519 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



There once was a chap named Al Mozia                        
Arrested indecent exposia.                                  
In court he arose,                                          
Began to expose,                                            
"Your Honor, I have claustrophobia."                        
                                                            
51520 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8111



A flasher who was known as Bud,                             
Constantly played with his pud.                             
He gave it a twirl,                                         
It impressed no girl.                                       
The sherrif thinks he is a dud.                             
                                                            
51521 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



A sudden exposure of skin --                                
Are you being invited to sin?                               
No, he means you no ill;                                    
He's just after a thrill.                                   
It is his way of entering in.                               
                                                            
51522 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Lance Payne         P8806



A streaker was streakin' and strokin'                       
His member; his chicken a-chokin'.                          
He streaked fully stripped                                  
Through the town and then tripped,                          
And arose to find his chicken broken.                       
                                                            
51523 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Jon Gearhart             



So shy was this flasher named Merse,                        
He'd put on his raincoat reverse.                           
The girls thought him kind,                                 
"It's just a behind,"                                       
And most of the girls, "I've seen worse."                   
                                                            
51524 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8806



On a street corner stands Mrs. Lutz                         
When a flasher in front of her struts.                      
When he opens his coat,                                     
She remarks with a gloat,                                   
"I've no trouble seeing your nuts."                         
                                                            
51525 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Bob Giandomenico    P8806



A rogue from old Ticonderoga                                
Does stroll about clad in a toga,                           
Exposing his balls,                                         
Provoking loud brawls,                                      
And claiming he's practicing yoga.                          
                                                            
51526 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Armand E Singer       690



We flashers have a guiding star;                            
A patron saint; a Wunderbar --                              
That handsome look-a-like                                   
Sir Anthony Van Dyke                                        
And in his mouth a big cigar.                               
                                                            
51527 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8806



Chaperoning the Junior High dance                           
To enhance my own chance for romance.                       
To get loved and get laid                                   
by some sweet little maid,                                  
I tell limericks -- and then drop my pants.                 
                                                            
51528 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Martin Wellborn     P8805



This Sunday the Picayune quotes                             
A Krew of Rex leader who gloats                             
That to give the true savor                                 
Of the Mardi Gras Flavor,                                   
They'll have flashers on one of the floats.                 
                                                            
51529 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



An exhibiting fellow from Truro,                            
Underpaid in a government bureau,                           
Earned additional dough                                     
With a public sex show,                                     
At the movie house, back in the U-row                       
                                                            
51530 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Isaac Asimov             



A pervert flashed a barmaid one night,                      
Saying "Look at me! Ain't I a sight!"                       
She replied "Deary me,                                      
This bar's too dark to see.                                 
Would you like to have a Pud Light?"                        
                                                            
51531 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Cruelty Jones            



A cellist abandoned his bow                                 
And with curtains akimbo let show                           
His this and his that                                       
To an onlooking cat                                         
And to neighbors who found it 'de trop'.                    
                                                            
51532 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Gents Alphabet Book P9501



The old flasher caused quite a sensation                    
When he serviced a church in Lost Nation. (IA)              
He noted with pride                                         
That he'd hoped to provide                                  
Those Christians a new revalation.                          
                                                            
51533 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



To Bill it was wormwood and gall.                           
As a flasher he once chose the mall                         
And went through his paces                                  
In twelve different places,                                 
But nobody noticed at all.                                  
                                                            
51534 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



There once was a flasher from Perth,                        
In all parts deficient in girth.                            
His physique was sparse,                                    
His privates a FARCE,                                       
Provoking no shocks, only mirth.                            
                                                            
51535 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            J'Carlin                 



A frustrated flasher named Pottle                           
Was rescued from drugs and the bottle,                      
When an art prof he knew                                    
At the college came through                                 
With a job as a studio model.                               
                                                            
51536 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



The greatest of flashers was Irv,                           
And down to his toes, it would curve.                       
On straining his back,                                      
He straightened his act,                                    
Now all passerbyers must swerve.                            
                                                            
51537 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8806



When they asked an old bloke from the Dove                  
Why he showed himself sometimes, "Why Gov,                  
It's because now and then                                   
Even dirty old men,"                                        
The flasher responded, "need love."                         
                                                            
51538 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



An elderly flasher, I hear,                                 
Would've liked to retire his career,                        
But thought it too quick                                    
And decided to stick                                        
It out for a single more year.                              
                                                            
51539 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Hugh Clary               



A flasher not only must haste                               
But only one victim must face.                              
If witnesses see,                                           
Most judges agree                                           
An open-and-shut type of case.                              
                                                            
51540 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8806



An unrestrained fellow named Crockett                       
Wound up on the criminal docket,                            
Accused of exposure                                         
Unzipping his closure,                                      
And playing hard pool in his pocket.                        
                                                            
51541 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Armand E Singer       697



"An X-rated movie," said Joe,                               
The flasher, "'s the right place to go                      
And provide all the crew                                    
Waiting there in the queue,                                 
A preview of sorts for the show."                           
                                                            
51542 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



While driving one night, Mrs. Bender                        
Had an accident, denting her fender;                        
For she'd seen a huge toad,                                 
Standing right in the road,                                 
Wearing stockings and black silk suspender.                 
                                                            
51543 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Ystap              TP9804



An assembler of large cardboard horses                      
Was often aroused by strong forces.                         
The instructions he'd see                                   
("Put tab A in slot B")                                     
Would inspire unique intercourses.                          
                                                            
51544 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Actaeon                  



A flasher who lived for surprise,                           
Showed an old lady his prize.                               
But was taken aback                                         
When told, "Put it back,                                    
These eyes have seen many that size."                       
                                                            
51545 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            John Miller              



There once was a student named Dorgan                       
Who streaked a large church in Glamorgan.                   
Almost coming unglued,                                      
The deacons pursued                                         
And seized the young man by the organ.                      
                                                            
51546 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8312



A naive young lady from France                              
Had not seen a man without pants.                           
When a lewd fellow showed                                   
His all in the road,                                        
It was stiff and it got in her scants.                      
                                                            
51547 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Tom Patton          P0306



A poor henpecked husband named Ralls                        
Was a flasher at one of the malls.                          
He wished, he confessed,                                    
As his friends might have guessed,                          
To show the world that he had balls.                        
                                                            
51548 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



"Hey gorgeous!" said Bertie, "See this?"                    
And flashed at the pretty young miss.                       
"For fucks sake, young Bertie,"                             
She uttered, "I'm Gertie;                                   
I've seen it before -- I'm your sis!"                       
                                                            
51549 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Peter Wilkins            



"For years, you've been after a jig,                        
But frankly, I care not a fig;                              
For that 'neath your mac,                                   
My dear brother, is slack                                   
And pathetically thin as a twig."                           
                                                            
51550 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Peter Wilkins            



A flasher who lived in the woods                            
Tried to stun two young girls with his goods.               
They just giggled and pointed,                              
Said, "We're disappointed,                                  
It's dinky, not like Hollywood's!"                          
                                                            
51551 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            John Miller              



Boasts conceited young flasher, McCloud,                    
"Taking pride in the fact I'm endowed,                      
I display my erection                                       
For a mob-scene inspection,                                 
Since I love standing out in a crowd!"                      
                                                            
51552 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Jim O'Conner        P9208



There once was a flasher named Izz,                         
While shaving, cut gashes in his.                           
Now bandaged entire,                                        
Izz had to retire                                           
Commenting, "I guess that's Show Biz."                      
                                                            
51553 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Irving Superior     P8806



Though some people are hard to convince                     
That it's cold, we have had certain hints.                  
The flasher, they say                                       
On the Plaza today                                          
Is giving out Polaroid prints.                              
                                                            
51554 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8802



A naive young lady of Bude                                  
Had not seen a man in the nude.                             
When a lewd fellow showed                                   
His all on the road,                                        
She did not know what to conclude.                          
                                                            
51555 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            C. Chevallier            



"My daughter, take under advisement                         
What those men unzipping their flies meant.                 
It was not to amuse you,                                    
But only to use you                                         
As a means of their self-aggrandizement."                   
                                                            
51556 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Lance Payne         P8806



A whore told a flasher named Ash                            
That pursuing the sport appeared rash.                      
"Wherever you've gone                                       
You've encountered a yawn,                                  
Since you have so damn little to flash."                    
                                                            
51557 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            A. N. Wilkins       P8806



A magistrate once had occasion                              
To put an old man on probation                              
For displaying his balls                                    
Through the crack in the walls                              
Of the gentlemen's stalls                                   
In the loo at Victoria Station.                             
51558 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Jim Weaver Collection    



A daring old flasher named Lassiter                         
Espying a lass, made a pass at her.                         
Like most of his kind                                       
He was of one mind,                                         
And dropping his pants, waved his ass at her.               
                                                            
51559 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Armand E Singer       275



The flasher, the streaker, the masher --                    
Which one of the three is the brasher?                      
Their actions, like bacon                                   
Are stripped, thin, mistaken.                               
It's hard to say which one is the rasher.                   
                                                            
51560 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            Lance Payne         P8806



"My best," said a flasher named Leach,                      
"Were Nixon's inaugural speech,                             
The Popes coronation,                                       
And Grand Central Station.                                  
My worst had to be a nude beach."                           
                                                            
51561 PERVERTS - FLASHERS            David Miller        P8208



My wife is a filly of wit.                                  
She'll say, "Go ahead, suck my tit;                         
Beat my ass black and blue,                                 
And then you may screw                                      
Till you've squirted your spunk in my slit."                
                                                            
51562 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Clement Wood        G0742



A masochist pervert from Ealing                             
Found testicle stretching appealing;                        
He hammered one ball                                        
To his living room wall,                                    
And the other he nailed to the ceiling.                     
                                                            
51563 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Peter Wilkins            



Although you may think it a folly,                          
A masochist's Christmas is jolly.                           
He'll fit to his prick                                      
A lit candle's wick,                                        
With his balls decked with spriglets of holly.              
                                                            
51564 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



The S&M bar, oh my dears,                                   
Is a place to get stomped on, for queers.                   
To get beaten and spat on,                                  
And pissed on and shat on--                                 
The thrill of your gayest young years!                      
                                                            
51565 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                              G0952



I dined with the Duchess of Ditches,                        
Who said, "God! How my bottom-hole itches!"                 
So she passed around switches                               
And took down her britches,                                 
And soon her guests had her in stitches.                    
                                                            
51566 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                              L1413



A bugger, while dying of AIDS,                              
Would beg whores for hard bastinades.                       
While smack on his back,                                    
He'd pinch up his crack,                                    
And shoot liquid shit fusillades.                           
                                                            
51567 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Nik Synytskyy            



Spank me!  I've been a bad man!                             
Beat me as hard as you can!                                 
Induce it to swell                                          
Then kiss it all well.                                      
There's nothing like cuffs and rattan!                      
                                                            
51568 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          H Welchel                



This year I'll be having a go                               
At dipping my willy in snow,                                
In hope that the freeze                                     
Will tremble my knees,                                      
And give my poor gonads a glow.                             
                                                            
51569 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



There was a young man clad in plastic;                      
His sexual styles were drastic.                             
Handcuffed to the bed,                                      
He'd fuck till he bled,                                     
Then beg to be whipped with elastic!                        
                                                            
51570 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Violette           TP9901



When Christians, both farmhand and burgess,                 
First followed hermitical urges,                            
Historians tell,                                            
There was for a spell,                                      
Quite a shortage of hairshirts and scourges.                
                                                            
51571 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          A. N. Wilkins       P8712



I have no cane, but a leather belt                          
Will not leave too much of a welt.                          
You don't have to thank me --                               
Just come here and spank me --                              
And tell me just how good it felt!                          
                                                            
51572 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Kaylin                   



There's really an amazing girl,                             
Doing things that will make your hair curl.                 
She sucks and she nips,                                     
Ties down and whips,                                        
You really should give her a whirl.                         
                                                            
51573 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



This Guardsman at play must assume                          
Black lace and the chains for costume,                      
While a lady assails                                        
His back with nine tails,                                   
And he dreams of the siege at Khartoum.                     
                                                            
51574 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Donald Hall         P8201



If it's S and M that your after,                            
May I suggest that you hang from the rafter,                
A kit to suspend                                            
Her little rear end,                                        
And provide hours and hours of laughter.                    
                                                            
51575 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Anon                     



A masochist by name of Hank,                                
Often frequents the house of spank.                         
The girls they do whip                                      
'Til he comes in a drip,                                    
With nary a kiss or a thank.                                
                                                            
51576 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



Some folks say that spankin' is rough,                      
But for me, that's just not enough.                         
I want her to kick-it                                       
And then gently lick-it,                                    
Until it is tender, yet tough.                              
                                                            
51577 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



A fellow in west Mogadishu                                  
Had a pillar he spent three days leashed to.                
I won't say he's kinky,                                     
But many did think he                                       
Overdid it by moaning in Pushtu.                            
                                                            
51578 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Robert Elliot            



Have you seen that TV girl Heather?                         
The one who announces the weather?                          
I've heard of her fetish,                                   
And what makes her wettish                                  
Are beatings with straps made of leather.                   
                                                            
51579 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Nicole Ryder             



I guess they call such pain "exquisite",                    
But frankly I can't see how is it                           
Blokes go to a whore,                                       
To get pained and sore...                                   
Perhaps I will pay her a visit.                             
                                                            
51580 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



A masochist, old Henry Kettle,                              
When holly is short, oft will settle                        
To carefully pick                                           
Then wrap 'round his dick                                   
The foliage from stinging-type nettles.                     
(Urticaceae)                                                
51581 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Tiddy Ogg                



I shared an apartment with Ted                              
When he took a young lady to bed                            
In the room next to mine.                                   
It was not by design                                        
But I heard them quite clearly.  He said...                 
                                                            
51582 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          PeterW                   



"I'm a weak and submissive young man                        
And your haughty demeanor, Roxanne,                         
Is a turn on. Despise me,                                   
Surprise me. Chastise me.                                   
And whip me as hard as you can."                            
                                                            
51583 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          PeterW                   



There followed a flurry of SMACKS!                          
And a frenzied attack of KER-THWACKS!                       
Then the swish of a cane,                                   
Not just once, but again                                    
In a series of furious WHACKS!                              
                                                            
51584 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          PeterW                   



And I heard him shout, "Harder, you slut!                   
Will you aim for my bollocks and butt?                      
For I won't feel complete                                   
Till you've beaten my meat."                                
And I lay there and thought, "What a nut!"                  
                                                            
51585 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          PeterW                   



Ah, the world of "under" and "top,"                         
With whips and chains and what not;                         
To spank with great care                                    
On the buttocks bare.                                       
Sense in the head they ain't got.                           
                                                            
51586 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



A well-heeled old dame named Roberta,                       
Had been brought up to think sex would hurt 'er.            
But she found, in the main,                                 
A high threshhold of pain,                                  
Was an asset that would not desert 'er.                     
                                                            
51587 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          John Ciardi              



There once was a lecher who thought                         
That S&M could easily be taught.                            
He tried whips and chains,                                  
And murderous canes,                                        
But all of his pains came to nought.                        
                                                            
51588 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Jim Weaver Collection    



Our vicar he takes off his cassock,                         
And lays himself out on a hassock,                          
And gets randy tarts                                        
To mangle his parts,                                        
In a manner according to Masoch.                            
                                                            
51589 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Tiddy Ogg                



The vicar of Framlingham Church                             
Flagellates himself daily with birch;                       
Twigs in honour of Masoch                                   
While wearing a cassock,                                    
That gives him a peculiar lurch.                            
                                                            
51590 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Peter Wilkins            



If spanking was what you were craving,                      
Then why that great ass you've been saving?                 
Just bring it to Frank;                                     
He's got just the plank                                     
To pepper your butt till you're raving.                     
                                                            
51591 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



Hector and Helga Kerfipple                                  
Liked getting drunk on Ripple.                              
One night, while drinking,                                  
Helga, without thinking,                                    
Got a piercing in her left nipple.                          
                                                            
51592 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Gearhart                 



Hector was far less lucent;                                 
His piercing was one pubescent.                             
In his right testi                                          
The ring does resti;                                        
I think they have both learned their lescent.               
                                                            
51593 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Gearhart                 



The place where they had it done                            
Was not a very sanitary one.                                
They both got infections                                    
Instead of erections,                                       
And the oozing is still not all done.                       
                                                            
51594 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Gearhart                 



Into S&M now, its true;                                     
I'd choose torture over a screw.                            
There's nothing like pain                                   
To drive you insane.                                        
Don't stop!  Oh no!  Please continue!                       
                                                            
51595 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



A masochistic young man of Split                            
Ate his peaches complete with the pit.                      
'Twas not for the stone,                                    
He claimed, but alone                                       
For the smart that remained when he shit.                   
                                                            
51596 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Jim Weaver Collection    



In my sex life, began a new chapter;                        
When she said to me with great laughter,                    
"Give me twelve inches of hurt;                             
Go ahead, lift my skirt.                                    
So I fucked her three times and I slapped her.              
                                                            
51597 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Darren                   



This guy from Ohio -- a Yankee                              
Was into a little hanky panky.                              
But his wife, bridget                                       
Was terribly frigid;                                        
She got embarrased when he said "Spank me!"                 
                                                            
51598 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Jim Weaver Collection    



If you force me to lie on your lap,                         
With my buttocks exposed would you slap                     
Me and give me an en-                                       
Ema? Count up to ten.                                       
To attention I'll certainly snap!                           
                                                            
51599 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Peter Wilkins            



Said the masochist cook from Des Moines:                    
"I am not one for books, stamps, or coin.                   
I am getting my thrills                                     
From the barbecue grills.                                   
But I hate when they're spicing my groin!"                  
                                                            
51600 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P9508



An amorous lady named Rankin                                
Was begging her beau for a spankin'.                        
'Tis a small thing to ask,                                  
Just a swat on the ass,                                     
Then we can really get crankin'.                            
                                                            
51601 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS                                   



There was a young man from Dusquesne,                       
An afficionado of pain.                                     
If pierced with some tacks,                                 
Or dripped with hot wax,                                    
He'd moan, "Do it again!"                                   
                                                            
51602 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Martin Cunningham        



Whenever those two get together,                            
They bring out their thongs made of leather.                
They put hands behind him,                                  
To let the girls bind him...                                
And then they discuss the day's weather.                    
                                                            
51603 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Lucas Hulp          P9405



Said the leather-bitch-goddess, "Mein Gott!!"               
"This snivelling slave thinks he's hot!                     
All my whipping and chains                                  
Must have addled his brains;                                
He's been pleading, 'Hey, let's tie the knot!'"             
                                                            
51604 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Robin K. Willoughby P8405



A masochist in Amarillo                                     
For his fantasies uses a pillow.                            
And will lie there and moan,                                
With a shuddering groan,                                    
"Give me willow, tit willow, tit willow!"                   
                                                            
51605 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Keith MacMillan     A112B



A girl who once licked her lips,                            
Was steaming and gyrating her hips;                         
The boys turned around,                                     
Found her hot on the ground,                                
Smiling and waiting with whips!                             
                                                            
51606 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Melissa K                



"Giddyap!" and "Gee! Haw!" and then "Whoa!"                 
I will go where you tell me to go.                          
Our relationship                                            
Is based on the whip                                        
And the stories of Edgar A. Poe.                            
                                                            
51607 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Gents Alphabet Book P9509



There once was a lady from Spain                            
Who carried a whip and a chain.                             
She beat me a lot                                           
Because I'm a dumb sot,                                     
And gave me a horrible pain.                                
                                                            
51608 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Anon                     



Masochist to sadist, "Yo,                                   
I now know the way we can go.                               
Yeah, you can beat me,                                      
Be mean and mistreat me!"                                   
But the sadist just smiled and said, "No!"                  
                                                            
51609 PERVERTS - MASOCHISTS          Jane D. Hughes      P9102



There was an old pervert named Stark                        
Who watched women jog through the park                      
Hiding behind tree;                                         
Spanking his monkey;                                        
Until he came all over bark.                                
                                                            
51610 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



An armed man, arousing her fears,                           
Broke into her flat, but her tears                          
Weren't what caused her escape                              
From forcible rape.                                         
He just wanted to fondle her ears.                          
                                                            
51611 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           A. N. Wilkins       P8708



A cocky young freshman named Breasted                       
Kept bragging he'd never been bested,                       
And asked for applause                                      
Especially because                                          
Of all the poor chicks he'd molested.                       
                                                            
51612 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Armand E Singer       855



There once was a man who would jest,                        
And children he liked to molest.                            
Although he liked boys,                                     
He'd use girls as toys,                                     
And he like to fondle the breast.                           
                                                            
51613 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



The hobby of Angus McBeirs                                  
Was snapping the back of brassieres.                        
To do this you need                                         
Exceptional speed,                                          
For handbags can damage the ears.                           
                                                            
51614 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Irving Superior     P8708



When he's phoning obscenely, old Potts                      
Gives a spinster who'll listen, the hots,                   
By describing how whangs                                    
Shoot a wad during bangs!                                   
He's a man who likes calling the shots.                     
                                                            
51615 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



You can thank your feminist protestors                      
And the interests of greedy investors,                      
Which puts kids in the care                                 
Of some friendly au pair,                                   
Or a day-care that's staffed by molesters.                  
                                                            
51616 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           John Miller              



There was an old lecher named Sprat,                        
Who went on a terrible bat.                                 
It a girl weren't alert,                                    
He'd reach under her skirt,                                 
And claim to be petting a cat.                              
                                                            
51617 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Gordon Peterson          



A dirty old man know as Hecht                               
Would make obscene calls when erect.                        
They caught him last summer -                               
And nothing was dumber -                                    
While trying to make one collect.                           
                                                            
51618 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           David Miller        P8208



An old priest pedophilic named Schink                       
Stuffed the altar boy's ass, round and pink.                
Said the judge, "You are sick.                              
See an analyst quick."                                      
So he did and he cornholed the shrink.                      
                                                            
51619 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Albin Chaplin            



A helpful young fellow named Wright                         
Heard cries from some girl in the night;                    
She was flat on the fescue    (grass)                       
When he came to her rescue --                               
And screwed her till dawn's early light.                    
                                                            
51620 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Armand E Singer       312



A fanatic gun-lover named Crust                             
Was perverse to the point of disgust.                       
His choice to despoil                                       
Had zero recoil,                                            
And a 44 magnum plus bust.                                  
                                                            
51621 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Arthur Deex         P9408



Humpty Dumpty once sat on a wall,                           
Ogling underdressed babes in the mall.                      
Leaning over with zest,                                     
He pinched one on the breast --                             
Which explains his unfortunate fall.                        
                                                            
51622 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Armand E Singer     P0102



A crazy young lawyer apprentice                             
Had purposely tried to torment us.                          
He would grab at the hooter                                 
Of the chief prosecutor.                                    
The judge says he's non compos mentis.                      
                                                            
51623 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Al Willis          TP9804



Uncle Bertram politely stops by                             
To see Margaret and Enid and Vi,                            
But induced by some gland                                   
Or the Devil, his hand                                      
Always creeps on to Montague's thigh.                       
                                                            
51624 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Gents Alphabet Book P9412



There once was an old Gallup pollster                       
Whose ego much needed a bolster.                            
So he charmed little girls                                  
And showed them his curls,                                  
And acquired local fame as a molester.                      
                                                            
51625 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                               G2722



A youth with hair long and fastidious,                      
Was trapped in a circumstance hideous.                      
By mistake in the park                                      
He was grasped in the dark                                  
By a man with intentions insidious.                         
                                                            
51626 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2566



A perverted old man of Fredonia                             
To the girl he was with, said "If onia                      
Weren't so wholesome and fresh                              
When we touch in the flesh!                                 
But my jollies I'll get when I phonia!"                     
                                                            
51627 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Keith MacMillan     A086B



There once was a pervert named Chester,                     
Whose friends called him "Chet the Molester",               
Till one day, the dumb twit                                 
Grabbed a lady cop's teat.                                  
Said the cop, "You are under arrest, Sir."                  
                                                            
51628 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                                    



As a man of the world, I aspire                             
To help fourteen-year-old boys to acquire                   
A more mature air,                                          
Manly grace, savoir faire.                                  
Consult Norman Douglas, Esq.                                
                                                            
51629 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           A. N. Wilkins       P8703



At Rehoboth, a broad on the beach                           
Lay stretched out in the sun -- out of reach,               
Till a treacherous hand                                     
Burrowed up through the sand...                             
And in Texas they blanched at the screech.                  
                                                            
51630 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Hugh Oliver         A030A



The nastiest fogey alive,                                   
Is a pedophile, by name of Hive.                            
This awful old letch,                                       
Screws what he can catch,                                   
And prefers all his girls under five.                       
                                                            
51631 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                                    



We hear quite a lot about teachers                          
Fondling kids 'neath the bleachers.                         
But the truth around here,                                  
Catch a pedophile queer,                                    
Nine times out of ten, it's a preacher.                     
                                                            
51632 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



We've had three in the past couple years,                   
Respected theological queers.                               
When they're hauled into court,                             
They're the sorriest sort,                                  
As they plead mental illness in tears.                      
                                                            
51633 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



I know of a pervert named Shriver,                          
Who offered two tots each a fiver                           
To lie down on ther backs,                                  
Let him tickle their cracks,                                
And play a cute game called muff diver.                     
                                                            
51634 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Armand E Singer       219



Yes, the morals of horrid young Bodd                        
Are a frightful affront and a fraud.                        
His particular joy                                          
Is to catch a small boy                                     
And poke angleworms in his pod!                             
                                                            
51635 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                               G2268



There was an Old Person of Cadiz,                           
Who was always polite to all ladies.                        
But while fondling his daughter,                            
He fell in the water.                                       
Which probably saved him from Hades.                        
                                                            
51636 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Edwardian Leer 010       



There was an old fellow called Andy,                        
Who was always continuously randy.                          
It was, I am told,                                          
That he is really bold,                                     
And he hangs around schools with candy.                     
                                                            
51637 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                                    



Our old gym teacher was nuts,                               
And everyone hated his guts.                                
He used wicked ploys                                        
To attract the young boys,                                  
And they'd cry, "Here he comes, Seymore Butts!"             
                                                            
51638 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jayne                    



There once was a lecherous plumber                          
Who boasted to every newcomer,                              
How he went about smelling                                  
(I blush with the telling)                                  
Girl's bicycle seats in the summer.                         
                                                            
51639 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Riffer,                      
In matters of sex he did differ.                            
Though girls seldom object                                  
To the method direct,                                       
He was more of a smeller and sniffer.                       
                                                            
51640 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Albin Chaplin       G2475



A famous perfumer named Deitz                               
Must turn passive men into beasts.                          
Elusive each scent,                                         
So mornings are spent                                       
In smelling girls' bicycle seats.                           
                                                            
51641 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Irving Superior     P8503



There was a strange creature named Marks                    
Whose idea of diversions and larks                          
Was stirring up tramps,                                     
Disturbing boys's camps,                                    
And fondling nude statues in parks.  (buggering statues...) 
                                                            
51642 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                               G2419



There was an old geezer named Blair                         
Who tried to get girls to strip bare.                       
But they caught that pervert,                               
Made him roll in some dirt                                  
Full of ants. Other geezers, beware!                        
                                                            
51643 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



A bus driver named Abner McFuss,                            
Liked to suck off small boys on his bus,                    
Then go out and sniff turds                                 
And the assholes of birds--                                 
He sure was a funny old cuss.                               
                                                            
51644 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                               L1479



A bewildered scoutmaster named Blight                       
Stole some hours in a whorehouse each night,                
Since the term "pederastic"                                 
He considered elastic                                       
When none of his troop was in sight.                        
                                                            
51645 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Guy Wernham         P9306



Uncle Irving was weird beyond hope;                         
Little girls he would frequently grope!                     
Then we noted one dawn,                                     
Uncle Irving was gone...                                    
And so, noted too, was Dad's rope.                          
                                                            
51646 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS           Oscar B Leone       P9611



There was an old lecher named Gus                           
Who wore a prostatic truss.                                 
It would pinch, sweat, and itch                             
When the son of a bitch                                     
Got too close to young girls on the bus.                    
                                                            
51647 PERVERTS - MOLESTERS                               G2361



If you've no concern with legality                          
And your dog is a recent fatality,                          
I think you will find                                       
Necrophilia's kind,                                         
When mixed with the old bestiality.                         
                                                            
51648 PERVERTS - NECROS              Tiddy Ogg                



I find that fucking the dead                                
Is easier when they've been bled.                           
There's much less palaver                                   
From a dried out cadaver,                                   
And less of a stain on the bed.                             
                                                            
51649 PERVERTS - NECROS              Paul Boston              



Last night I went on a blind date;                          
I have to say she was first-rate.                           
Though she was real quiet...                                
And should change her diet,                                 
'Cause she was somewhat underweight!                        
                                                            
51650 PERVERTS - NECROS              Observer                 



At kissing the girl was quite skilled,                      
Though her lips were just slightly chilled.                 
She made my heart flutter,                                  
I melted like butter...                                     
I felt that my life was fulfilled.                          
                                                            
51651 PERVERTS - NECROS              Observer                 



There's one thing that bothers me, though,                  
The answer, one of you may know.                            
Please offer suggestion                                     
To this thorny question:                                    
Like why was that tag on her toe?                           
                                                            
51652 PERVERTS - NECROS              Observer                 



I try hard to please you in bed;                            
Passion lacks; was it something I said?                     
When I ask how's it been,                                   
You just lie there and grin;                                
Ohmygod!  They just told me your dead!                      
                                                            
51653 PERVERTS - NECROS              Allen Wolverton          



A cold date who will not palaver                            
Is one whom you always can have her;                        
With feelings of chalk,                                     
Of sex she'll not talk,                                     
And act just like Lady Cadaver.                             
                                                            
51654 PERVERTS - NECROS              Travis Brasell           



Well heavens to Betsy, good lord!                           
I must have been out of my gourd.                           
'Cause while I was talkin',                                 
She just lay there gawkin',                                 
And I thought that she was just bored.                      
                                                            
51655 PERVERTS - NECROS              Observer                 



Man, next time just untie her sash,                         
And rendezvous with her nice gash;                          
Although it is dusty,                                       
And smells a bit musty,                                     
She's really a great piece of ash.                          
                                                            
51656 PERVERTS - NECROS              Travis Brasell           



There once was a wino named Mack,                           
Who kept a dead cat in a sack.                              
The puss decomposed                                         
And so Mack kept closed                                     
The bag, 'less he wanted some crack.                        
                                                            
51657 PERVERTS - NECROS              H Welchel                



There was a grave-robber named Fred,                        
Whose hobby was shagging the dead.                          
One night on the snatch,                                    
He then met his match,                                      
So he threw down his shovel and fled.                       
                                                            
51658 PERVERTS - NECROS              SFA                      



Along came another one, Alice,                              
Whose desire for a throbbing dead phallus                   
Was met (this is weird)                                     
By a man with a beard,                                      
Who was once with the Cowboys from Dallas.                  
                                                            
51659 PERVERTS - NECROS              John Miller              



But as for the body, don't waste it;                        
Just clean it and stuff it and baste it.                    
If a girl, take your thrill                                 
Then put on the grill                                       
And call in your neighbors to taste it.                     
                                                            
51660 PERVERTS - NECROS              John Miller              



Melissa (unfortunate lass)                                  
Decomposingg and bloated with gas,                          
Was exhumed in the fall,                                    
And was voted by all                                        
Necrophiliacs, "Best Piece of Ass".                         
                                                            
51661 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



When finished, they gave her a scrub,                       
And rendered her down in a tub.                             
Then preserved the poor lass                                
As a putrescent mass                                        
At the Young Necrophiliacs Club.                            
                                                            
51662 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



Those jokes about death are disgasting,                     
And lewdly and greatly aghasting.                           
Sitting there in the shed,                                  
Giving a young corpse head!                                 
To me is just flabbergasting!                               
                                                            
51663 PERVERTS - NECROS              Jim Weaver Collection    



"If only you'd show me", I said.                            
Just a smidgeon of interest in bed.                         
Just a smile? Just a sigh?                                  
Just a touch on my thigh?                                   
Just a ... shit; I forgot you were dead."                   
                                                            
51664 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



Your sick mind is working OT,                               
And quite too grotesquely for me.                           
When screwing the dead,                                     
You should get some head.                                   
Discard from the neck to the knee.                          
                                                            
51665 PERVERTS - NECROS              Rusty Smith              



The finest of head?  Sally Binks.                           
Although she's long dead and she stinks.                    
When giving a shove,                                        
Her eyes fill with love.                                    
And pulling it out, Sally winks.                            
                                                            
51666 PERVERTS - NECROS              H                        



Hermit Dave long rejected the palm,                         
But has lover who's quite cool and calm;                    
I can't recommend                                           
The ways of our friend;                                     
Too cheap to finance living balm.                           
                                                            
51667 PERVERTS - NECROS              Chris Papa               



"Whatever I didn't or did,                                  
To publish it now I forbid.                                 
It's merely a rumour;                                       
I didn't exhume her,                                        
And don't own a Corgi called Sid."                          
                                                            
51668 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



A fifteen-year-old necrophile                               
Said he'd dig six feet or a mile.                           
For he had a cold passion                                   
For the fetish in fashion,                                  
And the living had gone out of style.                       
                                                            
51669 PERVERTS - NECROS              Anon                     



Young Joe, a novitiate priest,                              
Keeps his knob-end in trim and well-greased                 
For those nights of delights,                               
When he gives the last rites,                               
To the newly and freshly deceased.                          
                                                            
51670 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



I agree that you ought to be miffed                         
By this rude necrophiliac gift.                             
But in the grand scheme,                                    
You'd be foolish to dream                                   
That it's the last time you'll get stiffed.                 
                                                            
51671 PERVERTS - NECROS                                       



Bard Frank's in New York, it's been said,                   
Just roaming the streets wearing red                        
Designer pajamas,                                           
Mailed from the Bahamas,                                    
While searching for whores who are dead.                    
                                                            
51672 PERVERTS - NECROS              Travis Brasell           



Is owt in this life any sillier                             
Than waiting for hours getting chillier                     
Than ice, as one's date                                     
Thaws to just the right state,                              
To indulge in one's lust, necrophilia?                      
                                                            
51673 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



So after these last few you've read,                        
You can't take your mind off the dead.                      
But if your will fails,                                     
Deceased tell no tails,                                     
Except for new holes, enough said.                          
                                                            
51674 PERVERTS - NECROS              Phil T                   



October, there's a chill on the breeze.                     
The leaves lose their grip on the trees.                    
And frost-hardened soil                                     
Means back-breaking toil                                    
To dig up and fuck dear Louise.                             
                                                            
51675 PERVERTS - NECROS              Tiddy Ogg                



Louise, I remember her well;                                
The ooze, the slime and the smell.                          
And the flies 'round her head.                              
Now that she's dead,                                        
Have the softer parts started to jell?                      
                                                            
51676 PERVERTS - NECROS              Tiddy Ogg                



Well, perhaps there's a bit of aroma                        
That's grown since she fell in that coma.                   
But keeping her cool,                                       
'Neath the ground, by the pool,                             
Ensures she don't get melanoma.                             
                                                            
51677 PERVERTS - NECROS              Tiddy Ogg                



If for love, you must dig in the clart,                     
Your toils tug the strings of my heart.                     
But love labor's not lost.                                  
Do say grace to the frost,                                  
As it keeps her from falling apart.                         
                                                            
51678 PERVERTS - NECROS              Ulla                     



You may think it is pure desperation                        
That leads me to such machination.                          
Though Lou ain't too hot,                                   
No headache she's got,                                      
And never that damned menstruation.                         
                                                            
51679 PERVERTS - NECROS              Tiddy Ogg                



Dead women, more often than not,                            
Are available before they rot.                              
Though stiff as a rock,                                     
Dead women don't talk,                                      
So it's unlikely that you will get caught.                  
                                                            
51680 PERVERTS - NECROS              Phil T                   



There once was a floozie named Grace,                       
Who kept a dead john at her place.                          
She said, "I'll admit                                       
His pension is shit,                                        
But to waste it would be a disgrace!"                       
                                                            
51681 PERVERTS - NECROS              John Miller              



"Just what in the world could be grander                    
Than screwing the lovely Amanda?"                           
"But Jesus; she's dead!"                                    
"Yes I know," panted Ted,                                   
As he humped her beneath the verandah.                      
                                                            
51682 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



I have this "friend" named Fred,                            
Though the thought of him fills me with dread.              
His girl slipped into a coma                                
From acute hematoma;                                        
But he fucks her though she is half-dead.                   
                                                            
51683 PERVERTS - NECROS                                       



He asked, "Why do you call me a freak?                      
Is it 'cause I make love a la greek?                        
Although she isn't active,                                  
My partner's attractive                                     
And she's only been dead for a week."                       
                                                            
51684 PERVERTS - NECROS              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0112



There once was a fellow named Ned;                          
A casanova he was, so 'tis said.                            
But his conquests were cheap.                               
Love's fruits he would reap                                 
With great rigor for mortis in bed.                         
                                                            
51685 PERVERTS - NECROS              Phil T                   



A pervert who rode a bicycle                                
Would bugger road-kill with his pickle.                     
A bloated old deer                                          
Felt pleasantly queer;                                      
The maggot-squirms gave him a tickle!                       
                                                            
51686 PERVERTS - NECROS              H                        



When boffing cadavers, the fear                             
That's greatest, at first, does appear                      
To be the foul smell.                                       
But I'm here to tell...                                     
Don't worry -- it's gone in a year!                         
                                                            
51687 PERVERTS - NECROS                                       



There was a young fellow named Norm                         
Whose wife was hurt out in a storm.                         
He conveyed her inside,                                     
But then she promptly died,                                 
So he had her while she was still warm.                     
                                                            
51688 PERVERTS - NECROS              Albin Chaplin            



To abattoires often I go                                    
For the meat there reminds me of Flo.                       
Who was stolen I fear                                       
From my freezer last year,                                  
And was eaten by vultures, you know.                        
                                                            
51689 PERVERTS - NECROS              Peter Wilkins            



I've received a brochure from Club Dead                     
And I think that I may go ahead                             
And spend my next hol.  (holiday?)                          
With chicks who don't stall                                 
Nor even demand to be fed!                                  
                                                            
51690 PERVERTS - NECROS                                       



Ne'er tried it?  Well, give it a whack!                     
Morticians all merrily quack:                               
"They won't give you hell                                   
With a scream or a yell;                                    
Their fingernails won't claw your back."                    
                                                            
51691 PERVERTS - NECROS                                       



A warlock who came from Anguilla,                           
Used to masturbate whilst his familiar,                     
Had sex with the dead.                                      
It is called, so I've read,                                 
"Vicarious necrophilia."                                    
                                                            
51692 PERVERTS - NECROS                                       



A soldier found Sue near the front                          
And soon was abusing her cunt.                              
But Sue didn't mind;                                        
She was deaf, dumb, and blind,                              
And brain-dead as well, to be blunt.                        
                                                            
51693 PERVERTS - NECROS              John Miller              



There once was a pickled old floozy                         
Known as Old Gooseberry Suzie.                              
She once tried to mate                                      
With a corpse laid in state;                                
Guess at her age you can't be too choosy.                   
                                                            
51694 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     ROE                      



She climbed on the top of his prong,                        
Which stood up so straight and so long.                     
She 'ooed' and she 'aahed',                                 
As she played with his prod;                                
When she came, his balls rang like a gong!                  
                                                            
51695 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     ROE                      



By golly, you'd never believe it!                           
The corpse got a grip on her clit slit.                     
When she finished her screwing,                             
She yelled, "What are you doing?"                           
He replied, "I've never felt so fit!"                       
                                                            
51696 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     ROE                      



So they spent the next week in the hay,                     
Engaging in erotic play.                                    
It just proves that the dead                                
Can be quite good in bed,                                   
If you'll just let them have their own way.                 
                                                            
51697 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     ROE                      



There was a young girl of Belgrave                          
Who kept a dead man in a cave.                              
She said, "Though he is old                                 
And he's terribly cold,                                     
Yet he's better than my husband Dave.                       
                                                            
51698 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2857



There once was a woman named Kit                            
Who made love to a dead man named Britt.                    
She got quite a tiff                                        
Going down on the stiff,                                    
But she cried the next day when Britt split!                
                                                            
51699 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



The coroner's daughter, Miss Gail,                          
Was having a cold piece of tail.                            
She preferred her men dead,                                 
And the reason, she said,                                   
Was that heads which are cool, will prevail.                
                                                            
51700 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2878



Delights of my life ain't forgotten;                        
For instance, that boff in the cotten                       
Last week with Sue Ginty,                                   
Who died there in '20                                       
And, thus, has grown perfectly rotten.                      
                                                            
51701 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE                              



My Jimmy was handsome and brave.                            
He died of a very close shave.                              
But now he's (I've checked)                                 
Forever erect,                                              
And that's kept him out of the grave.                       
                                                            
51702 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Ericka                   



There once was a woman named Kit                            
Who kept a dead lover named Brit.                           
I don't care if he reeks                                    
After all of these weeks,                                   
But I'm madder than Hell that he split!                     
                                                            
51703 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE                              



There was the dead body of Ernest,                          
Who Polly, the trainee stlatternest,                        
Decided to fuck                                             
Just once more for luck,                                    
Before he was covered and furnaced.                         
                                                            
51704 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Archie                   



She did up her hair in long dreadlocks.                     
To Glasgow she went, tried to bed jocks.                    
They, too, spurned her, so                                  
To the morgue she did go,                                   
And got all her fucking from dead cocks.                    
                                                            
51705 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Tiddy Ogg                



A man is no good when he's dead;                            
Not much good when alive, it is said.                       
Still stinks up the house,                                  
The dirty old louse;                                        
At least he won't have to be fed.                           
                                                            
51706 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Marlene                  



In the morgue under false pretenses,                        
A nurse, who was having her menses,                         
Screwed a well-hung dead male                               
(At least that's the tale)                                  
And transfused him back to his senses.                      
                                                            
51707 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Frank Fazed              



The embalmer's wife knew what it meant,                     
When in bed her husband was spent.                          
So she opened the freezer                                   
And found her a pleaser,                                    
By the sheet that was propped like a tent.                  
                                                            
51708 PERVERTS - NECROS - FEMALE     Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Bruce, "To ravish a lass                               
Who's dead is both brutish and crass,                       
But to bury the buns                                        
Of your brothers and sons,                                  
Is a waste of some beautiful ass."                          
                                                            
51709 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     John Miller              



A dweller in classical Greece                               
Was caught loving the corpse of his niece.                  
He said, "Others have boys                                  
As their classical toys,                                    
Why complain just how I get a piece?"                       
                                                            
51710 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     John Miller 0157         



Funny Bone went to the store                                
For duct tape and putty and more.                           
He's not making stuff;                                      
His dead momma's muff                                       
Just needed some patching -- it tore.                       
                                                            
51711 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     H WHELCHEL               



Of all my beloved memorabilia,                              
The best concerns old Aunt Amelia.                          
The dildo she cherished                                     
Went with her when she perished.                            
You just can't beat Faux Necrophilia.                       
                                                            
51712 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     Theo M. Heller      P9308



There was a young fellow named Perce                        
Whose antics were somewhat perverse,                        
For he cried and he cried                                   
When his grandmother died,                                  
But he buggered the corpse in the hearse.                   
                                                            
51713 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     Albin Chaplin   3024-2910



When our cow turned up badly diseased,                      
Sister was cruel and she teased,                            
"Dad's better than you!                                     
Mom thinks so too!"                                         
(Now dead, she's more easily pleased)                       
                                                            
51714 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     John Miller              



Little Jack Horner sat in his corner                        
Playing with his grandma's twat.                            
He stuck in his pinky,                                      
And got it all stinky,                                      
And said, "Damn! You're beginning to rot!"                  
                                                            
51715 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST                              



My Mommy once said with a groan,                            
"You can't play with your sister, Joan.                     
I know that she's nice,                                     
But she's colder than ice.                                  
Will you please leave the coffin alone!"                    
                                                            
51716 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     Charlie Roe              



"My head hurts, doc.  Don't stand there scoffin'!"          
"My boy, you must take care when boffin'                    
Your granny at night,                                       
By the gibbous moon's light,                                
To take the lid right off the coffin."                      
                                                            
51717 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     Tiddy Ogg                



An old undertaker named Flock                               
Once lifted a young lady's frock.                           
She was fucked without strife                               
For the time of her life,                                   
But he fucked her with grandfather's cock.                  
                                                            
51718 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     Albin Chaplin   3024-2874



An old undertaker named Jock,                               
A corpse on the slab did unfrock.                           
In a coffin he tucked her,                                  
And he laughed as he fucked her,                            
For he fucked her with grandfather's cock!                  
                                                            
51719 PERVERTS - NECROS - INCEST     Albin Chaplin   3024-2889



There once was a corpse-fucker bold,                        
Who liked them at least ten years old.                      
He'd keep his begetter                                      
Wrapped in a French letter,                                 
Because it was allergic to mold.                            
                                                            
51720 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       H WHELCHEL               



My darling is pallid and cold.                              
My darling will never grow old,                             
And when she is rotten,                                     
I will have forgotten --                                    
Another young belle will have tolled.                       
                                                            
51721 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Gents Alphabet Book P9511



A man who is lacking in pride,                              
Attends funerals far, near, and wide.                       
When asked about this,                                      
His reply is, "It's bliss                                   
To bugger a piece of dead hide."                            
                                                            
51722 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                           L0506



A necrophile name of Ned Shultz,                            
Often brags of his deeds and exults,                        
"'Tis legal, It's said,                                     
To make love to the dead,                                   
If performed by consenting adults."                         
                                                            
51723 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                                



There was a young man from LeHavre,                         
Who cornered a lovely cadaver.                              
And though our young Stanley                                
Realized it unmanly,                                        
He knew when he wished he could have her.                   
                                                            
51724 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                                



If, lads, you've no money for whoring,                      
And think you have no chance of scoring,                    
Then try necrophilia,                                       
I'm sure it will fill ya                                    
Sex needs, though it's really dead boring.                  
                                                            
51725 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Tiddy Ogg                



Reminds me when I was the secon' in                         
Command of a trawler, and beckonin'                         
The corpse of the mate,                                     
Who'd died around eight                                     
Days before, he was using dead reckonin'.                   
                                                            
51726 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                                



There once was a young man called Jack,                     
A proud necrophiliac.                                       
The girls he preferred                                      
Were always interred,                                       
Though the digging was hard on his back.                    
                                                            
51727 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       RB                       



I found a dead nun in a sewer;                              
I knew then and there that I'd do her.                      
I started to stab it;                                       
I came on her habit,                                        
And filled her cunt hole with manure.                       
                                                            
51728 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once were two necrophile queers                       
Who purchased a corpse in Algiers;                          
But it's ass was packed tight                               
With fossilized shite,                                      
And claims for a refund met jeers.                          
                                                            
51729 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Simon Whitechapel        



That's disgusting -- offensive, old man!                    
I vote that such posts we should ban.                       
As everyone knows                                           
Algeria blows --                                            
I always buy mine in Sudan.                                 
                                                            
51730 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Hugh Clary               



There was a young man of Brasilia,                          
Whose hobby was gerontophilia.                              
Then his partner dropped dead.                              
"I guess now," he said,                                     
"I'll have to take up necrophilia."                         
                                                            
51731 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Alexander Baron          



Your offer's attractive, very,                              
A warm cosy place to make merry.                            
And if you've the space,                                    
I'll fill up the place                                      
With the girls from the whole cemetery.                     
                                                            
51732 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                                



There was a young man named McNull,                         
Devoid of all brains and so dull,                           
When he found his girl dead                                 
From a shot in the head,                                    
He buggered the hole in her skull.                          
                                                            
51733 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0734



Said a necrophile lad in Iraq,                              
"It's virgins I once use to lack.                           
But thanks to the Yanks,                                    
With their bombs and their tanks,                           
My pecker now never goes slack."                            
                                                            
51734 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       John Miller              



Now this is offensive to me!                                
It's sick and repungent, you see...                         
So get up and go!                                           
Be gone!  Can't you know,                                   
We'd like you to jump in the sea!                           
                                                            
51735 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Joker                    



If sonny, by that you're upset,                             
Then out of this place you should get.                      
We're rude and we're crude,                                 
So fuck off you prude,                                      
And go and get chopped by the vet.                          
                                                            
51736 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Tiddy Ogg                



Oh Tiddy, good Tiddy, my dear,                              
You've misunderstood me, I fear.                            
I just tried to be cute                                     
But bombed, big time.  Shoot,                               
Guess I'll just take my lumps in the rear.                  
                                                            
51737 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Joker                    



A medical student named Poole                               
Kept a corpse in his room at the school.                    
He said, "Why I have her --                                 
This lovely cadaver --                                      
To slip into something that's cool."                        
                                                            
51738 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                           P8305



Sometimes it is really hard workin',                        
While givin' a corpse a good porkin'.                       
If you wait for consent,                                    
Before plumbing the vent,                                   
You'll get maggots all over your organ.                     
                                                            
51739 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Lew Pavlo                



A grave digger once did exhume                              
Two corpses, intending to scrume.                           
To make them the moister,                                   
He hacked up an oyster,                                     
And lubed their dry quims with his rheum.                   
                                                            
51740 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       H Welchel                



The old archeologist, Lew,                                  
Remarked to his wife, "We are through!                      
For a mummy I've fucked                                     
And from this I deduct                                      
That a mummy moves quicker than you!"                       
                                                            
51741 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2161



The old undertaker named Niven,                             
A fuck to a lady was givin'.                                
He said to her, "Jill,                                      
Lie perfectly still,                                        
For I never have fucked with the livin'.                    
                                                            
51742 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2905



Coitus upon a cadaver                                       
Is the ultimate way you can have her.                       
Her inanimate state                                         
Means a man needn't wait,                                   
And eliminates all the palaver.                             
                                                            
51743 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                           L0458



Grinned a grave-robbing hermit named Reese:                 
"It enhances my jism's release                              
If there is lack of palaver,                                
And a female cadaver                                        
Is a non-conversational piece!"                             
                                                            
51744 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Jim O'Conner        P8801



The virginal Miss Estelle Greeley                           
Won't ever let men cop a feely.                             
But Waterford said,                                         
"She takes her men dead."                                   
But it's he that enjoys necrophily.                         
                                                            
51745 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Mike Tice                



The graveyard's where I met Matilda;                        
With seminal fluid I filled her.                            
She said not a word,                                        
As I'd just disinterred                                     
Her... And wished for a while I'd not killed her.           
                                                            
51746 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                                



There was an old barber named Moffin,                       
While shaving a corpse for the coffin,                      
Did embrace it profuse --                                   
But he had an excuse --                                     
He did not get this chance very often.                      
                                                            
51747 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2901



Said a gruesome grave-robber from Wapping,                  
"A mummy's not rummy for clapping.                          
It's a bit of a bust                                        
With the dirt and the dust,                                 
And your penis gets caught in the wrapping."                
                                                            
51748 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                           G1078



Meet Elmer, young son of Thorpes,                           
Afflicted with psychotic warps.                             
His idea of fun                                             
Is to bugger a nun,                                         
And then vomit all over the corpse.                         
                                                            
51749 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                           L0517



There was a grave digger named Vance                        
Who just couldn't handle romaance.                          
He'd skulk around town                                      
And people would frown.                                     
They wondered what smelled in his pants.                    
                                                            
51750 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       H WHELCHEL               



I know a gay necro named Ward                               
Who goes for dates in a churchyard.                         
When he digs up a twat,                                     
He's not that distraught,                                   
But flips her and plays his hole card.                      
                                                            
51751 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       TuttaGioia               



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Who wanted so much to unearth                               
A female cadaver                                            
(No need for palaver!)                                      
Who'd never poke fun at his girth.                          
                                                            
51752 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       TuttaGioia               



A young Pennsylvanian, Norm,                                
Loved screwing in all of it's forms;                        
With girls, front and rear;                                 
With boys, now that's queer;                                
With corpses, preferably warm.                              
                                                            
51753 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Marge                    



"Ah'm praying fuh guidance" says Blab,                      
Who fucks corpses laid on on the slab.                      
And he searches his bible                                   
In case he'd be liable                                      
To get his ass lost in the flab.                            
                                                            
51754 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                           G2259



There was a necrophile named Ron,                           
Who met a bestialist named John.                            
They found a man with a lobotomy,                           
And they now practice sodomy,                               
And they still don't see anything wrong!                    
                                                            
51755 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Jim Weaver Collection    



"As for women," said old hermit Mottsum,                    
"In the past, I must say I have bought some.                
But I don't anymore;                                        
I go down to the shore                                      
And I search through the jetsam and flotsam."               
                                                            
51756 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2903



A pervert just went simply wild,                            
When the beautiful corpse he defiled,                       
'Stead of lying inert                                       
When he started to spurt,                                   
Gave a shudder and hauntlingly smiled.                      
                                                            
51757 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       John Miller              



A wayout teenager from Poole                                
Necrophilia dug after school.                               
Oh, Death, where's thy sting?                               
After doing his thing                                       
He murmured, "She's cool, man, real cool."                  
                                                            
51758 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE                          G2455a



A French necrophiliac called Jacques,                       
Was doing a corpse in a truck.                              
As they passed East Berlin                                  
Rigor mortis set in,                                        
And the poor little froggie was stuck.                      
                                                            
51759 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Sten Svensson            



Advantages many there be,                                   
In corpse screwing; here are just three:                    
No chatting-up so;                                          
They never say no;                                          
And the ladies are wholly nag-free.                         
                                                            
51760 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Tiddy Ogg                



Observed old philosopher Hearst:                            
This one is by far the world's worst.                       
It does not cause surprise                                  
To see so many flies,                                       
But I think I must scrape her off first.                    
                                                            
51761 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2884



When necrotizing our dirks,                                 
Well-mellowed stiffs have the perks                         
Of maggots and rot.                                         
So who needs a twat?                                        
Any old soft tissue works.                                  
                                                            
51762 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       H WHELCHEL               



"Oh damn!" said illusionist Drew,                           
"Now I've cut my assistant in two.                          
It would seem I've misplaced                                
Her from head down to waist;                                
Though what's left is still good for a screw!"              
                                                            
51763 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       Peter Wilkins            



I'm just sick of the constant palaver!                      
What I need is a freshish cadaver...                        
No Trojans to buy,                                          
Just myself gratify,                                        
And whenever I want I can have her!                         
                                                            
51764 PERVERTS - NECROS - MALE       TuttaGioia               



The local pathology labs,                                   
Have often, fine gals on their slabs.                       
So that's where to go;                                      
They never say no;                                          
And care not if you give them crabs.                        
                                                            
51765 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Tiddy Ogg                



Old one-legged Jake goes each day                           
And gets his sick kicks that-a-way.                         
And then the old cripple                                    
Will cut off a nipple;                                      
He's dozens at home, on display.                            
                                                            
51766 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Tiddy Ogg                



I bet he remembers young Babs;                              
The last time he had her, the crabs,                        
Like rats, were desertin'                                   
Their homes in her skirtin'                                 
And jumping all over the slabs.                             
                                                            
51767 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Peter Wilkins            



In the pathology lab, our new                               
Recruit said out loud "Whew!                                
The quim on this dish                                       
Sure looks like a fish."                                    
Said the doc, "Sure tastes like one too."                   
                                                            
51768 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Tom Accousti             



Once while in the embalmers shed,                           
I gave a young corpse some head.                            
I was so good,                                              
She jumped up and stood!                                    
You see, I brought her back from the dead!                  
                                                            
51769 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a bleeding heart liberal hemophiliac,                  
Who's a funeral home necrophiliac,                          
"Though I'd give girls a stab,                              
As they cool on the slab,                                   
It plays hob with my poor sacroiliac!"                      
                                                            
51770 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Ward Hardman             



The mortuary opens at two.                                  
No shoving back there in the queue;                         
We've oodles of fresh                                       
And delectable flesh                                        
For the Old Necrophiliacs' do.                              
                                                            
51771 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



We've buckets of Bertha and Brenda                          
And slabs of old biddies most tender,                       
Awaiting dissection;                                        
A wicked selection                                          
Of thawed-to-perfection pudenda.                            
                                                            
51772 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



But, Sir, I must protest, I must!                           
I'm angered and filled with disgust,                        
Because you've allowed                                      
Old Ogg through the crowd                                   
To sample first -- stirring up dust!                        
                                                            
51773 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



A pitiful sight was young Eanus,                            
Bemoaning the size of his penis.                            
But the girls all agree                                     
He's better than me,                                        
Despite seven inches between us.                            
                                                            
51774 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



No worries; we've thought of that too;                      
We've buckets of heifer and ewe.                            
Our mortuary ball                                           
Is intended for all                                         
With a philia, necro- or zoo-.                              
                                                            
51775 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



While embalming a beauty named Phyllis,                     
The mortician had thoughts necrophilous,                    
So he garnished with gook                                   
Both her cranny and nook,                                   
But contracted her fatal bacillus.                          
                                                            
51776 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Hugh Clary               



Now forensics ain't nothing for jokin',                     
Though scientists, clearly plainspoken,                     
Confess that cadavers,                                      
Like Davy palavers,                                         
Are cheaper than hookers for pokin'.                        
                                                            
51777 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Hugh Clary               



A necrophile fellow named Perce                             
Once kissed an old corpse in a hearse.                      
He drew back with a shiver                                  
Which threw chills down his liver;                          
Then he tried something more and fared worse.               
                                                            
51778 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin 3024  G2455



A necrophile named Ab                                       
Sneaked into the coroner's lab.                             
He went down on a stiff                                     
Who had died of the syph,                                   
And choked to death on a scab.                              
                                                            
51779 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                         G1846



The embalmer a corpse did prepare --                        
On the hard granite slab, she lay bare.                     
Then he started with screwing                               
And said, "How'm I doing?"                                  
But she gave him a cold glassy stare.                       
                                                            
51780 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2916



There was a young fellow named Skinner                      
Who worked in the morgue, the poor sinner.                  
His mind had some warps,                                    
For he'd pull out a corpse,                                 
And he'd have a few fucks before dinner.                    
                                                            
51781 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2927



Some funeral parlors are whoring                            
Cadavers, and money is pouring                              
To their coffers from crowds                                
Who like women with shrouds.                                
But to me, necrophilia's dead boring.                       
                                                            
51782 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



There once was a mortician dude,                            
Whose methods were often quite crude.                       
Whilst making a slit                                        
His member would twitch,                                    
And he'd embalm with his own special fluid                  
                                                            
51783 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Lanark                   



Said the old undertaker named Pete,                         
As the corpses he studied, discreet:                        
"Though I know I can't tarry                                
And the dead we must bury,                                  
But first I must bury the meat!"                            
                                                            
51784 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2911



An old undertaker named West                                
Remarked with much candor and zest,                         
"Though I find I'm confused --                              
By a cunt that's not used,                                  
Yet a fuck in the coffin is best."                          
                                                            
51785 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2900



The train struck Miss Senter and bent her.                  
At the morgue they reviewed what did dent her.              
Said old coroner Skinner,                                   
"It is not time for dinner,                                 
But first I must get off dead Senter."                      
                                                            
51786 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2858



A mortician whose name it was Jim                           
Just delighted in 3-day old quim.                           
It sure wasn't the scabs                                    
That smelled like dead crabs,                               
But the green pus that just covered him.                    
                                                            
51787 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     S C Saint                



Minger is at it again;                                      
Bi-sexual necro's is a sin.                                 
His illusion of fun,                                        
Is to suck down a cold-one,                                 
And there's no way to tell where he's been.                 
                                                            
51788 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



He grins and says, "I'm a shit,                             
But it does have it's own benefit;                          
My date's don't talk back                                   
While I work on their crack,                                
And they've never once told me to quit."                    
                                                            
51789 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



Dr Minger's date's have all died,                           
And they all smell like formaldehyde.                       
He gets down in the lab,                                    
Boring stiff's on the slab;                                 
Now he's re-named his dick, "Dr. Hide."                     
                                                            
51790 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



At a funeral home tonight,                                  
I heard (as the body took flight)                           
The mortician's curse.                                      
He said, "We will hearse                                    
And rehearse 'til we get it right."                         
                                                            
51791 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



Young Lucy lay dead on the slab,                            
But the mortuary assistant, McNabb,                         
Who had cravin's and urgin's                                
For decomposed virgins,                                     
Took Lucy back home in a cab.                               
                                                            
51792 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Peter Wilkins            



He left poor young Lucy to thaw                             
In the dark with some seafood. The flaw                     
Was his plan went to Hell;                                  
He could not, by the smell                                  
Pick her out from the oysters (all raw)!                    
                                                            
51793 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     John Miller              



Necrophiliacs are those who will yearn us                   
Before, to our graves, they will turn us.                   
"We've so much in common,                                   
'Cause during embalmin',                                    
"We're both stiff!" Tom affirmed, in dead earnest.          
                                                            
51794 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Hugh Clary               



A horny old bastard was Perce;                              
He buggered a corpse in the hearse.                         
He arose from the dead                                      
With a smile and he said,                                   
"This day I forever shall curse!"                           
                                                            
51795 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2908



A cute morgue attendant named Lynn                          
Played strip poker, but just couldn't win.                  
As she bared her tail section,                              
One corpse had an erection,                                 
And Lynn nearly jumped from her skin.                       
                                                            
51796 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Michael Weinstein   P9511



An embalmer in ancient Karnak,                              
Oozed it into a fresh corpse's crack.                       
Rigor mortis set in,                                        
And clamped off what had been                               
His pride, which he didn't get back.                        
                                                            
51797 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                         L0480



There was an embalmer named Muffin                          
Whose work kept him late very often,                        
For when anyone died                                        
He took personal pride                                      
In laying each corpse in its coffin.                        
                                                            
51798 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-0735



This is why I haven't been here,                            
'Cause Le Geeze to me was so dear,                          
That I opened his casket,                                   
Put the bones in a basket,                                  
And then waited 'til all was clear.                         
                                                            
51799 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



I read up on medical books,                                 
And bought me some butchers' hooks.                         
I used my clothes-line                                      
Each piece to define,                                       
And managed to bring back his looks.                        
                                                            
51800 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



But the body parts were all inert,                          
So dressed in a black mini-skirt,                           
I inserted a battery,                                       
Whispered some flattery,                                    
(Please don't think that I'm a pervert).                    
                                                            
51801 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



Imagine what rose from bone-dead?                           
None other than his throbbing head.                         
Le Geeze is pure bliss,                                     
I shouldn't hide this;                                      
So will let you all join instead.                           
                                                            
51802 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



There once was a doc, forensic,                             
Who like to give corpses a lick.                            
When I asked him why,                                       
He said with a sigh,                                        
"Why to ease the way in for my dick!"                       
                                                            
51803 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Lyonesseuk               



"My head hurts, doc. Don't stand there scoffin'!"           
"Well Sir, you must take care when boffin'                  
Your granny at night,                                       
By the gibbous moon's light;                                
To take the lid right off the coffin."                      
                                                            
51804 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



They called him "Minger the Necro" for shorts;              
A sick one, who liked a cold corpse                         
To a shapely warm lass,                                     
With a curvy, warm ass,                                     
And a good case of genital warts.                           
                                                            
51805 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Frosty                   



A funeral director named Cliff,                             
Had wanted to marry a stiff.                                
Before long, of course,                                     
He got a divorce,                                           
Because of the maggots and whiff.                           
                                                            
51806 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Anon                     



He's something, that young Dr. Cliff:                       
Though riddled with virulent syph,                          
He claims, "Look, I don't mind;                             
When I need to unwind,                                      
I just hop a safe med-school stiff."                        
                                                            
51807 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Armand E Singer       848



A necrophilic mortician named Fred                          
Whose sex life really was dead,                             
Said, "Just every so often                                  
I'll get in a coffin,                                       
But I think 'twould be more fun in bed."                    
                                                            
51808 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Frank Ward          P9312



The young necrophiliac, Hurst,                              
Did become a mortician at first.                            
When they brought in Mrs. Palmer,                           
Before he'd embalm her,                                     
He shagged her until her head burst.                        
                                                            
51809 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Paul Graham              



There was an old lady named Mopsy,                          
Who died with a bad case of dropsy.                         
But the old undertaker                                      
Said he'd not try to make her                               
Until doctors performed an autopsy.                         
                                                            
51810 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2902



The embalmer's apprentice, young Jack,                      
Said, "I fondle each dead lady's crack.                     
Though they're cold on the click,                           
They sure do the trick,                                     
For they never complain or fight back."                     
                                                            
51811 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2886



A girl of strong will was Miss Baker;                       
She swore that no fellow could make her.                    
Sometime later she died                                     
With a smile of great pride,                                
But was fucked by the old undertaker.                       
                                                            
51812 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin Appeal 1950



There is a young medic named Fletcher                       
Whose actions bespeak the true lecher.                      
On catastrophe calls                                        
Like tornadoes and squalls,                                 
He screws female stiffs on the stretcher.                   
                                                            
51813 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Armand E Singer        45



On the slab in the forensic lab                             
Lay the corpse of Gertie the Crab.                          
When old doctor Minger                                      
Slipped in her his finger,                                  
He added a grand to the tab.                                
                                                            
51814 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Frosty                   



An enbalmer from old Canterbury                             
Would drink with his stiffs and make merry.                 
He never would fracture                                     
A virgo inacta;                                             
His preference was that of a fairy.                         
                                                            
51815 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Jim Jambor          P9101



Old Doc Rigor Mortis boffed Babs,                           
On one of the morgue's coldest slabs;                       
"She was quite a lay,"                                      
Said Doc, "But I may                                        
Tomorrow remove all her scabs."                             
                                                            
51816 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



There once was a pervert mortician,                         
Who fancied a young dead beautician.                        
He sawed off her legs,                                      
And hung her from pegs,                                     
And spun her till getting emission.                         
                                                            
51817 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     H Welchel                



A perverted embalmer named Bauer                            
Started using his staff to deflower;                        
This did change his whole life;                             
He now holds off his wife                                   
Saying, "First take a very cold shower."                    
                                                            
51818 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Armand E Singer       716



They embalmed the poor lass (drowned at sea)                
When the assistant said to his boss, "Gee,                  
There's a shrimp in her works!"                             
"That's her clitoris, you jerk."                            
"Oh, it tasted like shrimp to me."                          
                                                            
51819 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Tom Accousti             



She did up her hair in long dreadlocks;                     
To Glasgow she went, tried to bed Jocks.                    
They too, spurned her, so                                   
To the morgue she did go,                                   
And got all her fucking from dead cocks.                    
                                                            
51820 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE                              



A girl of strong will was Miss Baker;                       
She swore that no fellow could make her.                    
She expired, in fact,                                       
With her hymen intact,                                      
But was fucked by the old undertaker.                       
                                                            
51821 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2851



An old undertaker named Rand                                
Once screwed a dead whore in the sand.                      
He performed his rendition                                  
In the finest tradition;                                    
An embalmer conducted the band.                             
                                                            
51822 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2920



The embalmer had a certain proclivity                       
For girls in a state of morbidity.                          
'Twas the shock of his life                                 
To be caught by his wife,                                   
And she took the prize for lividity.                        
                                                            
51823 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Jim Weaver Collection    



A wealthy old harlot named Commer                           
Fell dead after fucking old Palmer.                         
Though her will did declare                                 
The last fucker would share,                                
Palmer lost to the wily embalmer.                           
                                                            
51824 PERVERTS - NECROS - MORGUE     Albin Chaplin   3024-0673



There was an old widower, Doyle,                            
Who wrapped up his wife in tinfoil.                         
He thought it would please her,                             
To stay in the freezer,                                     
And anyway, outside she'd spoil.                            
                                                            
51825 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Anon                     



My "Ex" is some fifty years back;                           
No doubt she has worms in her crack.                        
We find that disease                                        
Goes real good with the cheese,                             
That they have as their usual snack.                        
                                                            
51826 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE                              



Sounds like you gave up quite a feast,                      
When this blessed union ceased.                             
Perhaps her fine fare,                                      
She's still willing to share,                               
To dine on her buns made of yeast.                          
                                                            
51827 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE                              



Said a man to a widow named Jill,                           
"Tell me, why don't you bury poor Bill?"                    
She replied, "Though he's dead,                             
I will keep him in bed.                                     
He's my darling and I love him still."                      
                                                            
51828 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2887



A widow whose singular vice,                                
Was to keep her late husband on ice,                        
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him,                     
I'll never defrost him!                                     
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."                      
                                                            
51829 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE                         L1359



I married this wonder filly                                 
And since then I have not sunk my willy.                    
But I have a surprise,                                      
'Cause after she dies,                                      
I'll exhume her and fuck her quite silly!                   
                                                            
51830 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Friar                    



There was a young fellow named Porter                       
Whose wife was blown up by a mortar.                        
All his nephews and nieces                                  
Helped him gather the pieces,                               
So he gave each young helper a quarter.                     
                                                            
51831 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2913



He studied the pieces, did Porter.                          
Then he labeled each piece and did sort her.                
And this fellow, so foxy,                                   
Had her glued with epoxy,                                   
And he fucked her, but had to support her.                  
                                                            
51832 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2914



An old couple just at Shrovetide,                           
Were having a piece, when he died.                          
The wife for a week                                         
Sat tight on his peak,                                      
And bounced up and down as she cried.                       
                                                            
51833 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE                         L0345



A cylindrical grinder named often                           
In the Times, had started to soften                         
When grinding his wife                                      
All during her life,                                        
But stayed hard when he opened her coffin.                  
                                                            
51834 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE                              



He married an ugly old hag                                  
Who did nothing but grumble and nag.                        
'Til one day he said, "Stuff                                
It;  I've had quite enough!"                                
Lopped her head off and gave her a shag.                    
                                                            
51835 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Peter Wilkins            



He shagged her for hours before flagging;                   
Then rested a while before bagging                          
Her up in a sheet                                           
For his next Sunday treat,                                  
Saying, "Thank you, my dear for not nagging."               
                                                            
51836 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Peter Wilkins            



A newly-wed man of Peru,                                    
Found himself in a terrible stew.                           
His wife was in bed,                                        
Much deader than dead,                                      
And so he had no one to screw.                              
                                                            
51837 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE                         L0079



A stolid old widower Gorceau                                
Would sleep with his lifeless wife's torso.                 
And his reason, he said,                                    
Was for years she'd been dead,                              
Only now she was just a bit more so.                        
                                                            
51838 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Albin Chaplin            



A mortician who practiced in Fife,                          
Made love to the corpse of his wife.                        
"How would I know, Judge?                                   
She was cold, did not budge,                                
Just the same as she'd acted in life."                      
                                                            
51839 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE                         L0466



There was a young butcher named Caesar                      
Who froze his dead wife in the freezer.                     
On the day of Yom Kippur,                                   
He proceeded to strip her,                                  
And he took her to bed and did tease her.                   
                                                            
51840 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Albin Chaplin   3024-0660



Dead whores you may think are insane,                       
But it beats jacking off, that is plain.                    
The best kind of wife                                       
Is devoid of all life,                                      
'Cause they don't fucking whine and complain!               
                                                            
51841 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     MrMalo                   



Thought Bob, "It takes days I suppose",                     
As he watched his wife Rose decompose,                      
"But it's years since we boffed,                            
So I'll wait 'til she's soft,                               
Then I'll show her what for with my hose."                  
                                                            
51842 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Peter Wilkins            



"I love you, Sweet Rose, decomposed;                        
I'll have you stuffed, mounted and posed                    
In my favorite position                                     
For bedtime coition,                                        
With all your sweet places exposed.                         
                                                            
51843 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Peter Wilkins            



If you pop your clogs before me,                            
Dear Bert, I'll go jumping with glee;                       
For sure I won't shag you,                                  
But chop you and bag you,                                   
And drop your remains in the sea.                           
                                                            
51844 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Peter Wilkins            



There was an old fellow named Baynes,                       
Whose dear wife was sick and in pains.                      
When she died on the bed,                                   
He did not lose his head,                                   
For he managed to fuck the remains.                         
                                                            
51845 PERVERTS - NECROS - SPOUSE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2854



To the madam went money-short Kyes;                         
His fifty cent piece he thought wise.                       
But he felt something queer                                 
When he patted her rear,                                    
And from out of her asshole flew flies.                     
                                                            
51846 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2892



A Frankenstein surgeon named Bloom                          
Arose from a period of gloom                                
To distort the vagina                                       
Of a dead whore from China,                                 
And he fell to his doom in her womb.                        
                                                            
51847 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2859



Said a madam named Mamie LaFarge,                           
To a sailor just off of a barge,                            
"We have one girl that's dead,                              
With a hole in her head;                                    
Of course, there's a slight extra charge."                  
                                                            
51848 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE                          L1024



Martina has met her demise                                  
But she said ('fore she died) that us guys                  
Can have one final boff in                                  
Her Y-shaped oak coffin,                                    
Especially designed for her thighs.                         
                                                            
51849 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE                               



A chap who was sailing for Singapore,                       
Left room in his seabag to bring a whore,                   
Then forgot that he had,                                    
Until she turned bad,                                       
Which tended to make the whole thing a bore.                
                                                            
51850 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      John Ciardi              



A wily old butcher named Pete Cook                          
Was fucking a whore with a beat look.                       
She dropped dead with a twitch,                             
So he finished the bitch                                    
As she hung by her ass from a meat hook.                    
                                                            
51851 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2912



There once was a young man named Ed,                        
Who found a dead whore in his bed.                          
Just like her twat,                                         
Her mouth was still hot.                                    
Some men will do anything for head.                         
                                                            
51852 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Jim Weaver Collection    



While screwing a harlot, old Waring                         
Did not like the way she was staring.                       
She was not very spriteful                                  
But he thought it delightful                                
Till he found she was dead as a herring.                    
                                                            
51853 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2929



There was a young man from Nantasket,                       
Who screwed a dead whore in a casket.                       
He allowed 'twas no vice,                                   
But thought it was nice,                                    
She had needed no money, nor'd ask it.                      
                                                            
51854 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE                          L0493



There was an old pimp from the East,                        
Who kept some old harlots deceased.                         
Their ass is for rent,                                      
Not to any old gent,                                        
But the bishop, the pastor, and priest.                     
                                                            
51855 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2871



A frugal young fellow named Wise                            
Gets the most from the dead whores he buys.                 
After sporting awhile                                       
As a gay necrophile,                                        
For dessert he has maggot surprise.                         
                                                            
51856 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE                          L1736



A madam who came from Belgrave                              
Kept all her dead whores in a cave.                         
For she said with some smiles,                              
"They have plenty of miles,                                 
And they'd do me no good in a grave."                       
                                                            
51857 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2856



In the snow, an old recluse named Watt                      
Found a whore, well-preserved, and no rot,                  
And her tits were still firm.                               
So he pulled out his worm,                                  
And he dusted the snow from her twat.                       
                                                            
51858 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2930



A necrophilic man named Philo,                              
Paid fifty bucks for a fat ho'.                             
After sliding the slab,                                     
And lifting the flab,                                       
He got the most for his dough.                              
                                                            
51859 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Jim Weaver Collection    



When dead, an old harlot named Hayes                        
Received from devotees much praise.                         
She was kept on behalf                                      
Of the coroner's staff,                                     
For her pussy kept twitching for days.                      
                                                            
51860 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2883



Necrophilia's perfectly norm-                               
Al in hell; so you'd go down a storm.                       
Bet you ain't never boffed                                  
Such obnoxiously soft                                       
Putrid whore-flesh so pleasantly warm.                      
                                                            
51861 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE                               



Some quotes from my friend, the Grim Reaper:                
"Dead whores never squeal, and they're cheaper.             
A dead dick, though it's soft,                              
Can really come off,                                        
And dead people do it much deeper."                         
                                                            
51862 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      John Miller 0155         



"What price for a whore, cheap and old?"                    
Requested a man without gold.                               
Said the madam, "One buck,                                  
And it's not for the fuck,                                  
But the scraper to scrape off the mold."                    
                                                            
51863 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2906



A maggot-infested dead whore                                
Was raped by some sailors ashore.                           
They thought she was drunk                                  
Until spewing funk,                                         
Erupted with noise like a snore.                            
                                                            
51864 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE                               



There was an old fellow named Walker                        
Who froze a dead whore in a locker.                         
And on Christmas and Easter                                 
He would thaw out her keester,                              
And the way that he fucked her would shock her.             
                                                            
51865 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2928



In the winter, a strumpet named Flo                         
Fell dead when a blizzard did blow.                         
She was fucked by Count Rumford,                            
But gave him cold comfort;                                  
She had lain much too long in the snow.                     
                                                            
51866 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2872



A lonely old recluse named Skinner,                         
In his room kept a dead whore, a winner.                    
So each day licked her twice,                               
And he said, "It is nice                                    
To have a companion for dinner."                            
                                                            
51867 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin            



As I wandered around Evesham Vale,                          
I stopped at a pub for some ale.                            
A fair girl espied me,                                      
And sat down beside me,                                     
And offered her body for sale.                              
                                                            
51868 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Tiddy                    



'Twas not though, quite what I'd inferred,                  
She said "No, you must have misheard.                       
I've something more juicy.                                  
It's my sister Lucy,                                        
Out there, she's just been disinterred."                    
                                                            
51869 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Tiddy                    



"She's sealed in a casket hermetic,                         
While traveling peripatetic,                                
To stop the aroma.                                          
She looks in a coma,                                        
And looks fairly good from cosmetics."                      
                                                            
51870 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Tiddy                    



I listened, then said "Sorry Norma,                         
The girls I prefer are much warmer.                         
But I know a cave                                           
With trogdolyte Dave,                                       
Who'd fancy a poke at the former."                          
                                                            
51871 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Tiddy                    



"So honey, why don't we go wander                           
Off down to that meadow out yonder;                         
The weather's been dry                                      
So there we can lie;                                        
I'll show you my pet anaconda."                             
                                                            
51872 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Tiddy                    



She said "No, I've got my own man                           
Who'd be as much use as you can.                            
I always can mate him;                                      
I refrigerate him                                           
With Lucy, out there in the van."                           
                                                            
51873 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Tiddy                    



A thrifty old Scotsman named Perce                          
Encountered a matter adverse.                               
While he screwed an old whore,                              
She fell dead on the floor,                                 
So he finished her off in the hearse.                       
                                                            
51874 PERVERTS - NECROS - WHORE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2909



The pedophile hears the lad moan,                           
"These woods are the scariest known!"                       
"Oh, stop all the tears",                                   
The pederast jeers,                                         
"It is I who must go back alone."                           
                                                            
51875 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



When they questions those priests who were sages,           
Why they hadn't used bookmarks in ages,                     
The replies were unanimous                                  
From those scholars magnanimous:                            
They prefered bending over the pages.                       
                                                            
51876 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Hugh Clary               



A fellow who called himself Mark,                           
Had episodes down at the park;                              
By the edge of a sewer,                                     
With intentions impure,                                     
He lured all the kids after dark.                           
                                                            
51877 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Cap'n Bean          P0207



Thank heavens for plump little boys;                        
Their pee-pees make wonderful toys;                         
Bend 'em over your knee,                                    
If you're hungry, make free;                                
Their "tacos" will make squishy noise!                      
                                                            
51878 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



Thank heavens for sweet little girls;                       
It's so cute, how a little skirt twirls.                    
As you lift it right up,                                    
And you pull out your "pup",                                
So to give her a fat string of pearls!                      
                                                            
51879 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



This lad is so awfully young;                               
Come pose for a man who's well hung.                        
If I had that view,                                         
You'd feel my lasso                                         
The minute you stuck out your tongue.                       
                                                            
51880 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



Smirked an old sex offender, George Noyes,                  
"I do go for young kids, mainly boys;                       
You can't knock 'em up,                                     
They give you no gup,                                       
And they smile when presented with toys."                   
                                                            
51881 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Armand E Singer     P0202



I once knew a man from Lagrange;                            
His mind was completely deranged.                           
On playgrounds he hung,                                     
Looking at ten year old bum;                                
This was his home on the range.                             
                                                            
51882 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



"I like little girlies, of course,                          
Of five," so said Maurice the Horse.                        
"Or six, maybe seven,                                       
I holler `Thank heaven',                                    
And so far I've felt no remorse."                           
                                                            
51883 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



The gentleman said with a smile,                            
"I admit I'm an old pedophile.                              
Those hairless young kiddies,                               
Not hirsute old biddies,                                    
Have earned me an FBI file.                                 
                                                            
51884 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Funny Bone               



Dyb Dyb Dyb and a Dob Dob Dob;                              
For I have got the worlds best job.                         
In my Scout hut                                             
I show them smut,                                           
Then sit one right up on my knob.                           
                                                            
51885 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



There was a young fellow named Glinker,                     
A philosopher, Sir, -- Yes a thinker.                       
His thoughts were upon                                      
Little girls with nowt on;                                  
The cad, the rotter, the stinker!                           
                                                            
51886 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Jim Weaver Collection    



As a bitch, she's the worst, uncontested;                   
I was wondering why, so requested,                          
"What makes you this way?"                                  
She answered today,                                         
"As a child, I was never molested!"                         
                                                            
51887 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          John Miller              



Abducted and killed, Sarah Payne,                           
She'll never return home again.                             
She should have known,                                      
It's not safe alone,                                        
And Pedophiles don't have a brain.                          
                                                            
51888 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



Away from schoolgirls you should stay;                      
Even blonde heads shouldn't you sway.                       
With girls too young to marry,                              
You should never tarry,                                     
Or they'll do more than just lock you away.                 
                                                            
51889 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Milkmaid                 



Uvulo-palato-phyrngeal-plasty                               
Won't scan and besides it is nasty.                         
'Twill not stop your snoring                                
Or curtail your whoring,                                    
Or even your vile pederasty.                                
                                                            
51890 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          John Miller              



That traitor, Sir Robert D. Casement,                       
Was known to bang boys in the basement;                     
He would sneak up behind,                                   
And half out of his mind,                                   
Abuse his posterior placement.                              
                                                            
51891 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Armand E Singer       936



I'd like to thank Lord Baden-Powell                         
For starting up the Wolf-cub howl.                          
We paedophiles                                              
Along with smiles                                           
Gain access to their lower bowel.                           
                                                            
51892 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Frank                    



The old scoutmaster made every lad                          
Drop his drawers and display what he had;                   
"I must check you for ticks";                               
(Breathing hard, voice in clicks),                          
"Rocky Mountain spotted fever's so bad!"                    
                                                            
51893 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Allen Wolverton          



"Alright Scouts, go pick out your spots                     
For camping and unload your pots                            
And pans for your food,                                     
And while you swim nude,                                    
I'll try to inspect all your knots."                        
                                                            
51894 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Travis Brasell           



"Okay Scouts, our camp is nearby;                           
To your families you've all said goodbye.                   
Now check all your kit.                                     
Have you got every bit,                                     
As well as a jar of KY?"                                    
                                                            
51895 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          AA                       



Scoutmasters fulfil deep desire,                            
Whilst sitting around the campfire,                         
So steamy and hot,                                          
With much young boys bot,                                   
All dressed in that sweet Scout attire.                     
                                                            
51896 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Frank                    



A heartless young roue from Gary,                           
Whose sex life keeps getting more hairy,                    
Grabs pubescent tots,                                       
Then tickles their twats,                                   
And plies them with sloe gin and sherry.                    
                                                            
51897 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Armand E Singer       287



I was 12, he was age 23;                                    
Babysitting, I sat on his knee.                             
Complete frustration,                                       
Succumbed to temptation,                                    
I sprayed it around with much glee.                         
                                                            
51898 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



Should Poppa find out, will he slaughter?                   
His dastardly deed done to daughter!                        
Is barely a teen,                                           
Far too young to clean                                      
A hosepipe of its dirty water?                              
                                                            
51899 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES                                   



'Tis rumored that Buckingham's joys                         
Now come from electrical toys.                              
And furthermore that                                        
When the batteries are flat,                                
He molests prepubescent young boys.                         
                                                            
51900 PERVERTS - PEDOPHILES          Archie                   



Ya gotta be stupid, I figger,                               
To call a large black man a nigger,                         
Or mess with his wife,                                      
'Cause ya know, in real life,                               
Both his dick and his fists are the bigger.                 
                                                            
51901 PERVERTS - RACISTS                                      



My kid had some itching fatigue woes,                       
And said chiggers infest all that he grows;                 
I was sad for his rigors                                    
But corrected him, "Chiggers                                
Is wrong, since today we say Chigroes."                     
                                                            
51902 PERVERTS - RACISTS             Hugh Clary               



The White Man, so haughty and clever,                       
The Indian defeated, however,                               
He neglected to figure                                      
The low humble nigger                                       
Would frustrate his every endeavor.                         
                                                            
51903 PERVERTS - RACISTS             Albin Chaplin Appeal 1671



A group of white rednecks, for thrill,                      
Under hoods of white lace and fine frill,                   
Marched out wearing pearls.                                 
They must have been girls                                   
Or drag racists, just dressed to kill.                      
                                                            
51904 PERVERTS - RACISTS                                      



A bedwetting racist named Pete                              
Was the toughest Klansman you'd meet.                       
His problem -- incontinence                                 
Was not an inconvenience.                                   
At cross-burnings, he used rubber sheet.                    
                                                            
51905 PERVERTS - RACISTS             Randall Boyer            



Pete's little wanker is reeking                             
From abuse and wetting and leaking.                         
The Klan fits his need                                      
To deliver his seed                                         
In the robes when nobody's peeking.                         
                                                            
51906 PERVERTS - RACISTS             Squat                    



That N-word just will not do;                               
We've got to try something new.                             
The Niggers all hate it;                                    
Why don't we debate it?                                     
I suggest we use Jigaboo.                                   
                                                            
51907 PERVERTS - RACISTS             MrMalo                   



"Jig's" not so hot for those suckers;                       
Perhaps we should go back to "chuckers"   (spear)           
'Mongst themselves, among others,                           
They use the term "brothers";                               
The polite form is "bad motherfuckers".                     
                                                            
51908 PERVERTS - RACISTS             John Miller              



We also need one for the Spics                              
And one for the Catholics;                                  
One for the Wogs,                                           
One for the Frogs,                                          
And one for Canucks, the pricks.                            
                                                            
51909 PERVERTS - RACISTS             MrMalo                   



And how about Mick, Kraut, and Limey?                       
(Just be careful to pick ones that rhyme, see?)             
Us Bohunk, and Squarehead,                                  
All Rednecks are braindead,                                 
And some would say Yankees are slimy.                       
                                                            
51910 PERVERTS - RACISTS             John Miller              



How about Honky and Lezzie and Queer?                       
And the Okies us Texans hold dear?                          
(I think that I choose                                      
Not to mention the jews                                     
For reasons of -- let's just say "fear")                    
                                                            
51911 PERVERTS - RACISTS             John Miller              



There's the Wops, the Hebes, and the Chinks,                
And the Polacks, those ignorant dinks;                      
And two nice new words                                      
For the worst of the turds,                                 
Namely the Shysters and Shrinks.                            
                                                            
51912 PERVERTS - RACISTS             MrMalo                   



I'm unsure just who's really the worst;                     
Politicians and spammers come first,                        
Right up with car dealers,                                  
Fake preachers, faith healers,                              
And the con men with whom we are cursed.                    
                                                            
51913 PERVERTS - RACISTS             John Miller              



In the busy "A" train, jammed with folks,                   
A torrid young lady named Volks                             
Said a guy back of her                                      
Tried to rape her, the cur,                                 
But he went off after only two strokes.                     
                                                            
51914 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Grand Prix Lim  446      



There was a young man from Japan                            
Who lived on this excellent plan:                           
Whene'er he saw women,                                      
He stuck his fifth limb in                                  
Her mouth or her cunt or her can.                           
                                                            
51915 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G2376



Said tickle-tail Tillie Kay Keast,                          
"Man, when he is in heat, is a BEAST!                       
If he's dead-set on rape                                    
He should be in such shape                                  
He can ravish one TWO times, at least!"                     
                                                            
51916 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Grand Prix Lim   84      



A raper attacked a woman and tore                           
Her clothes off and called her a whore.                     
Then came a mad fraction                                    
Of Feminist Action;                                         
His balls are in Copenhagen and Elsinore.                   
                                                            
51917 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                      



There was a young lady of Clewer                            
Who was riding a bike, and it threw her.                    
A man saw her there,                                        
With her legs in the air,                                   
And seized the occasion to screw her.                       
                                                            
51918 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 L1149



An expert at sucking, Miss Roma,                            
Trapped a rapist one time in Tacoma.                        
She convinced him that sucking                              
Was superior to fucking,                                    
And she blew him right into a coma.                         
                                                            
51919 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin            



The rapists who rape around Salem                           
Hope their genital organs won't fail 'em.                   
It'd look rather silly                                      
To tip over a filly,                                        
Lacking that which one needs to assail 'em. (impale 'em)    
                                                            
51920 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0748



Lars Svenson is out on the loose;                           
Say goodbye to your cat, ewe and goose,                     
As well as your daughter,                                   
Then do like you oughter:                                   
Go hang yourself with a strong noose!                       
                                                            
51921 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                      



Biochemical miracles seem                                   
A gaudy molecular dream;                                    
Who'd have thought DNA                                      
Would hasten the day                                        
When a rapist is caught by his cream?                       
                                                            
51922 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Norm Storer         P0012



There was a young Miss from Cape Cod                        
Who at soldiers would not even nod.                         
But she tripped in a ditch,                                 
And some son of a bitch                                     
Of a corporal raped her, by God!                            
                                                            
51923 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 L0818



Being raped, a fat girl named Bernice,                      
Ups and yells for the local police.                         
Who, to her dismay,                                         
Would not go away,                                          
Until each had knocked off a free piece.                    
                                                            
51924 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0524



An agile young rapist named Jay,                            
Who settled for five rapes a day,                           
Says, "Rape's great for erections,                          
But takes fast connections,                                 
And one helluva fast getaway!"                              
                                                            
51925 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0784



A lustful young rapist named Vince                          
Neglected his fingers to rinse.                             
A fair maid he did rape,                                    
And he thought to escape,                                   
But her fanny was covered with prints.                      
                                                            
51926 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin            



A lustful young rapist named Vince                          
Washed his hands but neglected to rinse.                    
He raped a fair lass                                        
But the smudge on her ass                                   
Matched the FBI's set of his prints.                        
                                                            
51927 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Arthur Deex         P9003



Beware of one Ali Gezahm,                                   
Who comes on as soft as a lamb.                             
He dances and frolics                                       
But it all comes to ballocks,                               
When he'll finish you off like a ram.                       
                                                            
51928 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Annie Jay                



A lecherous fellow named Clark,                             
Raped a bird-loving girl in the park.                       
A splendid surprise!                                        
Such vigor! Such size!                                      
And she really just came for a lark.                        
                                                            
51929 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                      



A fat-fannied lass from Decatur                             
Was raped in a freight elevator...                          
Said he, up inside,                                         
"Many thanks for the ride...                                
And how about going down later?"                            
                                                            
51930 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Grand Prix Lim   47      



To fend off a rapist, Miss Scott,                           
Applied her karate, well-taught.                            
She ripped out his bum                                      
With her finger and thumb,                                  
And she strangled his cock with her twat.                   
                                                            
51931 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1819



The Victorian ghostwriter said,                             
"Now I've got the nude heroine spread,                      
How can I proceed                                           
With the villian's low deed?...                             
I'll let H. Rider Haggard instead!"                         
                                                            
51932 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Grand Prix Lim  611      



A ravaged old spinster did chafe                            
Till officers caught rapist Rafe.                           
They threw him in jail,                                     
But the spinster made bail.                                 
"Thank God," she exclaimed, "that you're safe!"             
                                                            
51933 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1318



There was an old actress named Mape,                        
A victim of sadistic rape.                                  
She said, "Come to the den                                  
And we'll do it again,                                      
For I want to record this on tape."                         
                                                            
51934 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2183



All was well with the Dowager Duchess                       
When trapped in the mad rapist's clutches.                  
Till he turned on the light,                                
Took one look, said good night,                             
So she hit him with one of her crutches.                    
                                                            
51935 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Isaac Asimov             



A rapist's convicted, and hence is                          
Executed for all his offenses.                              
Thereafter, indeed,                                         
His victims agreed                                          
That the man was well-hung in both senses.                  
                                                            
51936 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Isaac Asimov             



An old rapist accused was called Mort,                      
And the Judge said, "It's a last resort."                   
The jury was sympathetic;                                   
Mort was old and pathetic,                                  
And the evidence would not stand in court.                  
                                                            
51937 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Henry Mucha              



When Chief Long-Pecker has an erection,                     
Small boys view the sight with affection.                   
His delight is to pillage                                   
Virgins, village by village--                               
Squaws, head in the other direction!                        
                                                            
51938 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0802



Said the man to the rapist he caught,                       
"You are lucky your ass is not shot!                        
But the good news for you                                   
Is that I want her too.                                     
No shot if I get her twat!"                                 
                                                            
51939 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Straydog                 



Two middle-ages ladies from Fordham,                        
Went for a walk and out of boredom.                         
As they made their way back,                                
A sex maniac                                                
Leapt out from some trees and ignored 'em.                  
                                                            
51940 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Bill in Oz               



Said a girl anent male genitalia,                           
"Men will unzip their pants and assail ya;                  
Once you smile and say, 'Oh,'                               
They will never take 'no';                                  
In a flash they will flop and impale ya!"                   
(anent - about, concerning)                                 
51941 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Armand E Singer        79



There once was a young lady of Fez                          
Who had thighs like Maria Montez.                           
She was raped on the floor                                  
By a brutal senor                                           
In Madrid, Marrakesh, St. Tropez.                           
                                                            
51942 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0587



There once was a man who would jest,                        
And children he liked to molest.                            
He found a pre-school,                                      
And started to drool;                                       
He's charged with both rape and incest.                     
                                                            
51943 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Jim Weaver Collection    



On trial was a young man named Krupp;                       
He raped an old maid and her pup.                           
But he stated in court                                      
That this low, bestial sport,                               
Was a friendship he tried to work up.                       
                                                            
51944 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1155



There once was a man nicknamed Coop;                        
For him, raping girls was duck soup.                        
But hooray for old Lottie,                                  
Who knew her karate,                                        
And knocked that sumbitch for a loop!                       
                                                            
51945 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Laurence Craft           



There's not much to be said for the style,                  
Of the various lairds of Argyle.                            
They just flip up the kilt,                                 
And plunge to the hilt                                      
In the lasses they choose to defile.                        
                                                            
51946 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             John Ciardi              



Joe inspects girls with conscienceless suavity,             
In search of their luscious concavity,                      
At which he will leap                                       
Like a wolf on a sheep,                                     
With utterly hardened depravity.                            
                                                            
51947 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Isaac Asimov             



In a park overlooking the city                              
A rapist leaps out at a pretty                              
Young lady whose cry                                        
Brings a tear to his eye--                                  
But he's longer on lust than on pity.                       
                                                            
51948 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Gents Alphabet Book P9603



An amorous fellow named Sid                                 
Lost total control of his id,                               
Resulting in rapes,                                         
All sizes, all shapes --                                    
It did, honest Injun, it did.                               
                                                            
51949 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Armand E Singer       851



Have you heard of the boxer named Jules                     
Whose hunger for rape never cools?                          
He pays no attention                                        
To social convention,                                       
Or the Marquis of Queensberry rules.                        
                                                            
51950 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0626



There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield                      
Engaged to look after the deacon's field,                   
But he lurked in the ditches                                
And diddled the bitches                                     
Who happened to cross that antique 'uns field.              
                                                            
51951 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 L0003



A lady with no mean ability                                 
Was raped by a man with agility.                            
She said, "You are pleasant                                 
But you're only a peasant,                                  
And I'm usually raped by nobility."                         
                                                            
51952 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0028



The rapist a young lady seized                              
And inward his pecker he eased.                             
He said, "Bear it and grin,                                 
For when it's fully in,                                     
I am sure you will not be displeased."                      
                                                            
51953 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1388



There was a young fellow named Chape                        
An elderly spinster did rape.                               
When he got up to go,                                       
She cried out, "Oh no!                                      
Now you kiss me and hug me, you ape!"                       
                                                            
51954 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin            



A filthy rich cockster named Herman                         
Raped all of his conquests on ermine.                       
He explained to the curious,                                
"It makes them less furious,                                
And mitigates most of their squirmin'."                     
                                                            
51955 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Armand E Singer       402



On an island near Athens in GA,                             
A tourist from Yonkers, Miss BA,                            
Felt it useless to screech,                                 
Being raped on the beach                                    
Where the red necks are insensitive TA.                     
                                                            
51956 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Arthur Deex         P0208



There was an old cowboy named Haddle                        
Who raped an old maid from Seattle.                         
She jumped on his horse,                                    
To avoid him of course,                                     
But he screwed her once more in the saddle.                 
                                                            
51957 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0704



There once was a faddist of Devon                           
Who said, "I have raped only seven                          
Young women to date,                                        
But I'll soon make it eight,                                
And shortly thereafter eleven."                             
                                                            
51958 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0562



A fellow from Nassau, Bahamas,                              
Was an actor in sexual dramas.                              
He'd grab at a skirt                                        
And jab till it hurt,                                       
After poking it through her pajamas.                        
                                                            
51959 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                G0536a



A carnal debaucher named Strater,                           
Who must have been cloned from a satyr,                     
Committed sex crimes                                        
In hot and cold climes,                                     
Repugnant from Pole to Equator.                             
                                                            
51960 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Armand E Singer       433



There was a young lady from Corrie                          
Who went for a ride in a lorry.                             
The driver undraped her,                                    
Repeatedly raped her --                                     
A trite but predictable story.                              
                                                            
51961 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Armand E Singer        68



A lusty old man from the Cape,                              
Kept his mattress in excellent shape                        
With pubic hairs plucked                                    
From the women he'd fucked,                                 
In the course of a lifetime of rape.                        
                                                            
51962 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G2285



There once was a cad from New Paltz,                        
Who, among his less odious faults,                          
Scorned romance as "red tape."                              
He preferred simple rape,                                   
Without what he called "all that schmaltz."                 
                                                            
51963 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             John Ciardi              



When the sisters McGrath took the path                      
Which led to the new public bath,                           
They were stopped in the park                               
By a lad on a lark,                                         
Who indulged in the rapes of McGrath.                       
                                                            
51964 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0289



A rapist who practiced near Nice                            
Was cautioned severely to cease.                            
He was not to be doing                                      
That promiscuous screwing--                                 
Such stuff is reserved for police.                          
                                                            
51965 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0786



A young rapist tyro named Ray                               
Ejected all over his prey;                                  
The cum began thickening,                                   
A sight all too sickening,                                  
And dried on his fly like souffle.                          
                                                            
51966 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Armand E Singer       259



They claim of a fellow named Cort                           
That serial rape is his forte.                              
He floors double dozens --                                  
Friends, strangers, and cousins --                          
But sets a few loose just for sport.                        
                                                            
51967 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Armand E Singer       177



There was an old maid named McGruder,                       
Nightly nuzzled by a midnight intruder,                     
In the town of Emporia.                                     
In a state if euphoria,                                     
Every night she awaits her fine tutor.                      
                                                            
51968 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Grand Prix Lim  400      



What a good rapist needs is real vim                        
For he must be in case-hardened trim                        
To rape a hot dolly...                                      
Otherwise it is folly,                                      
For the dolly may end raping him!                           
                                                            
51969 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Grand Prix Lim   22      



A rapist who reeked of cheap booze,                         
Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.                            
She cried, "I suppose                                       
There's no time for my clothes,                             
But PLEASE let me take off my shoes.                        
                                                            
51970 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 L0019



There was a young woman named Jones,                        
Who midst her screams, her howls, and her moans,            
Was raped by a nigger                                       
Whose tool was no bigger,                                   
Than yours or mine--hence the groans!                       
                                                            
51971 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 L1694



Those of one particular race                                
After sex are all red in the face--                         
Not caused by the prize,                                    
Nor hard exercise,                                          
But from having been sprayed by that Mace.                  
                                                            
51972 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Harry Rubin         P9302



There was an old man of Amarillo                            
Who screwed young girls on his pillow,                      
Until he got caught                                         
with his prick hanging out.                                 
Now he's paying for his peccadillo.                         
                                                            
51973 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                      



In the hospital bed lay Miss Proctor,                       
Debauched by the rapist who socked her.                     
As she cursed her abductor,                                 
Seven orderlies fucked her,                                 
And the intern, the priest, and the doctor.                 
                                                            
51974 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2918



At the counter for candy, clerk Tuckem,                     
Said the rest of the jobs you could chuck 'em.              
When young girls with nice butts                            
Came to ask him for nuts,                                   
He jumped over the counter to fuck 'em.                     
                                                            
51975 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin            



Recluses in basements and attics                            
Have sex sometimes with mathematics.                        
Concave or convex                                           
Or with Oedipus Rex                                         
And even advanced acrobatics!                               
                                                            
51976 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Neal Wilgus         P8506



There was an old maid from Bermuda,                         
Who shot a marauding intruder.                              
It was not her ire                                          
At his lack of attire,                                      
But he reached for her jewels as he screwed her.            
                                                            
51977 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 L1133



If you find a sweet thing and would hump her,               
Hide in the bushes and jump her.                            
She'll respond to your form                                 
With a snatch, sweet and warm.                              
And if she's ungrateful, then dump her.                     
                                                            
51978 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Writerman                



Though a eunuch, the mobster was sick                       
With a feverish lust for the chick.                         
As she couldn't escape,                                     
He managed the rape                                         
With a corncob instead of his prick.                        
                                                            
51979 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             A. N. Wilkins       P9002



There was a young man from Metuchen,                        
Had a terrible blot on his escutcheon.                      
He forcibly laid                                            
A crippled old maid,                                        
And ended by shoving her crutch in.                         
                                                            
51980 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G2428



Though a menstruating girl was attacked                     
By a savage who jumped on her back.                         
His thrusts interfemoral                                    
Were better than Demerol                                    
For soothing her poor sacroiliac.                           
                                                            
51981 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Actaeon                  



A rapist who raped in West Lunt                             
Made this interesting comment on cunt:                      
"Every dame has a twat,                                     
But I rapes just the hot,                                   
So it's that kind of cunt that I hunt."                     
                                                            
51982 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0785



There once was a man from Salem,                            
Who'd latch on to women and tail 'em.                       
Wherever they went,                                         
He'd wait till they bent,                                   
And when no one was looking, he'd nail 'em.                 
                                                            
51983 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             MrMalo                   



There was a wild youth of Fort Sumter                       
Lured a gal up the creek and then jumped 'er.               
Whistling "Dixie" meanwhile                                 
In rock-&-roll style,                                       
All the time that his love-muscle pumped her.               
                                                            
51984 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Grand Prix Lim   48      



An elderly maid, inauspicious,                              
Was raped by a robber quite vicious.                        
She came out of her faint                                   
To file a complaint,                                        
But admitted the whole thing was delicious.                 
                                                            
51985 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin 3024  G1567



There was an old spinster named Kay                         
Who carried a chain night and day.                          
In her mind was a plan --                                   
If attacked by a man,                                       
She made sure he would not get away.                        
                                                            
51986 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2634



A thorough young thief named Lautrec                        
Once frisked an old maid from Quebec.                       
He discovered no money                                      
But she said to him, "Honey,                                
Don't stop now, I will write you a check."                  
                                                            
51987 PERVERTS - RAPISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0238



As a hobby, rape helps to kill time,                        
So why the law calls it a crime,                            
Us rapists can't see--                                      
It's the Land of the Free,                                  
And with rape you don't pay a damn dime.                    
                                                            
51988 PERVERTS - RAPISTS                                 G0783



On a dark night you soon will meet                          
Lots of kids as they go 'trick or treat'.                   
So some gadgets I made,                                     
Like apples and razor blade;                                
Being a sadist is really quite sweet.                       
                                                            
51989 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



Let's all cheer for L'Arts de Sade.                         
Who says it should be outlawed?                             
To whip ya and chain ya                                     
And otherwise pain ya,                                      
Till you're feeling quite thoroughly pawed.                 
                                                            
51990 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



Esmerelda, a known kinky bitch,                             
Uses switches and whips as her niche.                       
At times, it was boring,                                    
Just constantly whoring,                                    
And she'd fall asleep at the switch.                        
                                                            
51991 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Al Willis           T9711



Sadistic Miss Dominatrix                                    
Gets most of her sexual kicks,                              
By using her tweezers                                       
To depilate geezers,                                        
Then crushing their balls between bricks.                   
                                                            
51992 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Peter Wilkins            



If you're a sadist, and bestial of course,                  
And with you, necrophilia scores,                           
Then put on leather strip,                                  
And grab that big whip,                                     
And come out and flog a dead horse.                         
                                                            
51993 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Jim Weaver Collection    



A glutted debauchee from Froome,                            
Lured beauteous maids to his room,                          
Where, after he'd strip them,                               
He'd generally whip them                                    
With a bundle of twigs or a broom.                          
                                                            
51994 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                 L0467



A sadist who lived in Limoges,                              
Used to beat up his wife with his hose.                     
He declared, "It is fun                                     
Before I've begun                                           
To warm her from scalp-lock to toes."                       
                                                            
51995 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                 L1467



A sadist by name of Ms. Backer                              
Would bite on her beau's tallywhacker,                      
Inducing loud calls                                         
By squeezing his balls,                                     
And pounding them blue if not blacker.                      
                                                            
51996 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Armand E Singer        82



Beware of one Frankie John D'Arc;                           
This land shark hunts girls in the park.                    
He'll charm you awhile,                                     
But you'll die in his smile                                 
For his bite is much worse than his bark.                   
                                                            
51997 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Annie Jay                



Your roving she's tempted to foil                           
By putting a pot on to boil.                                
She gets all smug looking,                                  
'Cause soon she'll be cooking                               
Your bits in hot tea or hot oil.                            
                                                            
51998 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



Her parenting skills, black and blue,                       
Are practiced by more than a few.                           
But when cameras roll                                       
Lay off the small soul,                                     
As Ms. Toogood was not wont to do.                          
                                                            
51999 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Loren Fitzhugh      P0211



A sadistic young lady named Hicks                           
Abducted young men with sly tricks.                         
She cut off their balls                                     
Which she hung on the walls,                                
And made door-handles out of their pricks.                  
                                                            
52000 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1790



It seems that one day she got reckless,                     
With a midget, well hung, name of Beckless.                 
He fucked her, the runt,                                    
Then he cut out her cunt,                                   
Which he hung on a gold-plated necklace.                    
                                                            
52001 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1791



She met an old butler named Springer                        
And she marveled at his oversize clinger.                   
But this crafty old vassal,                                 
He cut out her ass'le,                                      
And made him a ring for his finger.                         
                                                            
52002 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1792



The chill makes her nipples so perky                        
And the sex she desires is quirky.                          
Black latex and chains,                                     
The bonus is pains.                                         
It oft makes her cunt drip like a Slurpee!                  
                                                            
52003 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Dan Thomas               



Somehow you don't think of the Dutch                        
As given to lewdness and such.                              
But they pour on the sex                                    
With terrific effects                                       
When a Dutch 'maisie' gets you in her clutch.               
(maisie - sado-masochist from meisje - young girl)          
52004 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                 G0577



Two siblings named Frances and Jan                          
Had sex with the same vicious man.                          
He plucked all the hair                                     
From Jan's do-take-care                                     
And fired the furze on poor Fran.                           
                                                            
52005 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Armand E Singer       352



Jess lives nearby underground;                              
Her S & M tendencies astound.                               
With whips and with chains,                                 
She does inflict pains                                      
And also is gagged and bound.                               
                                                            
52006 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a bad bitch in heat,                         
Who craved a piece of my neat.                              
But I ran like hell                                         
Because of the funny smell.                                 
And now I'm with someone I beat.                            
                                                            
52007 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Jim Weaver Collection    



Some people will now have to go;                            
The motel is paid for, you know.                            
The handcuffs and whips,                                    
They don't work for tips,                                   
So don't hang around for the show!                          
                                                            
52008 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Jim Weaver Collection    



A sadist from Old Montreal                                  
Took a masochist out for a ball,                            
And each got full measure                                   
Of perverted pleasure--                                     
By doing just nothing at all.                               
                                                            
52009 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Norm Storer              



I go for fads new and arcane:                               
Crippled girls, shooting shit--that's my name!              
I'm a sadist, a hustler,                                    
A reformed pussy-muzzler;                                   
Square head-shrinkers say I'm insane.                       
(shooting shit - injecting heroin)                          
52010 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                 G2672



I fasten one hand on a nip -                                
The other one wielding a whip.                              
I flay on her butt,                                         
But once hit my nut,                                        
And bucked the girl into a flip.                            
                                                            
52011 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Jim Weaver Collection    



His childhood was far from serene;                          
With a stepfather callous and mean,                         
Who worked a casino                                         
Dealing blackjack in Reno,                                  
He was hit till he turned 17.                               
                                                            
52012 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Jerry Nordal        P0301



A pernicious old wino from Spain                            
Has whims even he can't explain.                            
He sends his friends parcels                                
Of homogenized arseholes,                                   
And repeats when they write to complain.                    
                                                            
52013 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Grand Prix Lim  187 G2512



There's this orgasm lover named Boak;                       
He just pulled off a masterful stroke.                      
He maximized pleasure                                       
Beyond human measure;                                       
Smeared his penis with hot poison oak!                      
                                                            
52014 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Armand E Singer       349



On Christmas Eve night, when clock                          
Strikes twelve, my whores stretch my old cock               
From bedroom to stable,                                     
Then tie it with cable                                      
And beat it until I'm in shock.                             
                                                            
52015 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Travis Brasell           



The Christmas before wasn't nice;                           
Disastrous, to be quite precise.                            
For their party trick                                       
Was boiling my dick,                                        
While crushing my balls in a vice.                          
                                                            
52016 PERVERTS - SADISTS             SFA                      



A tireless young lady in leather,                           
Liked men in all kinds of weather.                          
She rode them outdoors                                      
Till they got saddle sores,                                 
They'd hide but she found them wherever!                    
                                                            
52017 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



An old major, stationed in Nanking,                         
Was really quite partial to spanking.                       
He said, "S&M                                               
Is good for the men;                                        
At least, it's much better than wanking."                   
                                                            
52018 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Linda Marsh Coll         



As through the Mad Marquis we plod,                         
While he craved a fine nubile bod,                          
For his cruel diversion                                     
Or favorite perversion,                                     
He definitly was often scrod.                               
                                                            
52019 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Chris                    



You've heard of the Marquis de Sade,                        
Whose reputation was terribly bad.                          
From sex, to a duel,                                        
He enjoyed being cruel;                                     
The man, sir, in fact, was a cad.                           
                                                            
52020 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Arthur Pattaffy          



Is your sex life in every way mod?                          
Do you long for new thrills for the bod?                    
Make life's rhythm complete.                                
Get in time with the beat.                                  
Come visit the Marquis de Sade.                             
                                                            
52021 PERVERTS - SADISTS             A. N. Wilkins       P8703



I'm through with soul-kissing and hugs;                     
I'm into clit-pinching, butt plugs.                         
Bright red welty bodies,                                    
Rough-riding on twatties,                                   
And snippish nip-squeezing of dugs.                         
                                                            
52022 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Tutta Gioia              



A horny old sadist named Peter                              
Had a wife, but he wouldn't eat her.                        
And when he got hyper,                                      
With his peter he'd pipe her,                               
But wished she'd allow him to beat her.                     
                                                            
52023 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



Private nursing could be lots of fun,                       
But you really don't know me, my Hon.                       
Bondage and whips                                           
Just may be my trips;                                       
All tied up with no place to run.                           
                                                            
52024 PERVERTS - SADISTS             StarOak                  



There was an old sadist named Rip,                          
Who made love to his wife with a whip.                      
He'd tease and provoke her,                                 
And finally choke her,                                      
As he shot her a fuck in the hip.                           
                                                            
52025 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                 G0731



Few popular ROMAN A CLEFs,                                  
Have survived from the real old bad days,                   
And remain as mod                                           
As the Marquis de Sade,                                     
Who wrote about sex in weird ways.                          
                                                            
52026 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Chris Papa               



Whips, chains, and shackles she wore,                       
Though she'd come to think it all a bore.                   
Whether branding iron sear,                                 
Or a cock up the rear,                                      
She'd say "Seen it, done it before!"                        
                                                            
52027 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Straydog                 



Man, there's nothin like a big bosom                        
Coupled with a tight, cherry chasm,                         
So that while I suck                                        
My shaft might get stuck;                                   
It's painful, but, hey, that's sadism.                      
                                                            
52028 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



A lady sadist, quite fickle...                              
"Should I stick a needle up this guy's dickhole.            
Pour hot wax on his sack,                                   
Break his joints on the rack,                               
Or probe his asshole with a sickle?"                        
                                                            
52029 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Cruelty Jones            



A vicious old codger in Natchez                             
Demonically lights pads of matches,                         
Which he pokes in the drawers                               
Of defenseless young whores,                                
Where it singes their sex fur in patches.                   
                                                            
52030 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                 G2443



I'm rough and I'm tough and I'm new;                        
I'm joining the S&M crew.                                   
I'm erect as I wait                                         
To smack my next date                                       
With switches of wet split bamboo.                          
                                                            
52031 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Tutta Gioia              



A dominant female named Ice,                                
(The things she goes in for aren't nice),                   
While under the covers                                      
Compels all her lovers                                      
To have their balls squeezed in a vice.                     
                                                            
52032 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Armand E Singer       482



A flagellant sportsman named Ritter,                        
Ripped the hide off each slider and spitter.                
The elusive strike zone,                                    
He considered his own,                                      
And was quit an accomplished switch hitter.                 
                                                            
52033 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Pierce Evans             



A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis                      
Wished to foster an aura of menace.                         
To make people afraid                                       
He wore gloves of grey suede                                
And white footgear intended for tennis.                     
                                                            
52034 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Edward Gorey             



The Marquis de Sade, entre nous,                            
Was really both horny and fou.                              
He felt no aversion                                         
To any perversion,                                          
And shouted, "Chacun a son gout!"                           
(fou - drunk or bushel)                                     
52035 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Number Two          P9009



An S&M lover named Bright                                   
Turned down a friend's party invite:                        
"Thanks so much, but no,                                    
I simply can't go --                                        
I fear I'll be tied up tonight."                            
                                                            
52036 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Armand E Singer       891



There  once was a lady of Spain                             
Who like to inflict lots of pain.                           
She nibbled the tits                                        
Of a man from Biarritz,                                     
Not once, but again and again.                              
                                                            
52037 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



While admitting Maeve Binchey is hot,                       
I have secret suspicions she's not.                         
The Lady who earns                                          
Her money with turns                                        
On the rack, 'til I'm splendidly taut.                      
                                                            
52038 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



Why is that whip in your closet?                            
Take it out, bitch, and make a deposit                      
On my flesh till I'm hurtin',                               
Make me sniff your beef curtain,                            
Then put the whip up my crack and just floss it.            
                                                            
52039 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Cruelty Jones       T9711



The mad scientist mixed a strange drink,                    
To enhance his perceptions, I think;                        
The old boy went berserk;                                   
Carved some tarts with his dirk;                            
And the cops drug him off to the clink!                     
                                                            
52040 PERVERTS - SADISTS                                      



Oh Captain, My Captain, dear man,                           
I will fly with you when I can.                             
Right now I must work                                       
On this lawyer jerk                                         
To whip him in shape is my plan.                            
                                                            
52041 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Marlene Lewis            



I've still got that really nice whip                        
With B-B's that come out the tip.                           
I'll use that on him                                        
To make him less prim,                                      
Then off I will head to your ship.                          
                                                            
52042 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Marlene Lewis            



I do hope by then that the doc                              
Is able to straighten your cock.                            
But if you're still bent                                    
Perhaps we could rent                                       
Some by-the-hour space-flyboy jock.                         
                                                            
52043 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Marlene Lewis            



Why is that whip in your closet?                            
Sitting on your NASDAQ composite?                           
Are you really rich?                                        
Then I'll be your bitch,                                    
And in MY bank you can deposit!                             
                                                            
52044 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



A nostalgic stormtrooper named Schmidt,                     
Used a "Nazi Sex Practices" kit,                            
Which had boots and a whip,                                 
With a nice metal tip,                                      
But his bride didn't like it one bit.                       
                                                            
52045 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Isaac Asimov             



I want something new for my pleasure,                       
A suit of tight purplish leather,                           
A whip and a chain,                                         
To cause some sheer pain,                                   
A chicken, and not just a feather.                          
                                                            
52046 PERVERTS - SADISTS             Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



Why is that whip in your closet?                            
Did someone place it on deposit?                            
With those leathery boots                                   
And large rubber suits,                                     
Were they used for some purpose? What was it?               
                                                            
52047 PERVERTS - SADISTS             FCA                 T9711



A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme                          
When charged with a terrible crime,                         
Said, "Your honor, Oh No!                                   
It cannot be so,                                            
For I was abroad at the time."                              
                                                            
52048 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



"I'm ready, take me if you can!"                            
Said Alice -- and such was my plan,                         
'Till I learned (what a shame)                              
That Alice, the name,                                       
Can rightly be used by a man!                               
                                                            
52049 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



JimBob, he drove a large tractor.                           
On weekends he wore some Max Factor,                        
A bra and a skirt.                                          
He's a terrible flirt,                                      
And a short-sighted rapist attacked her.                    
                                                            
52050 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Anon                     



Androgymous, spurious Jo,                                   
Half macho, but just a bit ho.                              
Big titties, small prick,                                   
Falsetto (not chic);                                        
Is he/she your babe or your beau?                           
                                                            
52051 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Armand Singer       P0305



An ambitious cartoonist from Butte                          
Made a daring attempt to be cute.                           
He donned handcuffs, plaid skirt,                           
And proceded to flirt,                                      
But his beard made the exercise moot.                       
                                                            
52052 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Anon                     



This tall and quite sexy chanteuse                          
Had feet just as big as canoes.                             
We learned "she" was male,                                  
Dressed in lovely percale,                                  
And Omar was hired to build shoes.                          
                                                            
52053 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Al Willis           P9805



A young man whose name was Tim Lesser,                      
Was an extremely avid cross dresser.                        
But his new bondage gear                                    
Brought an irrational fear                                  
Of coming too quick, through the pressure.                  
                                                            
52054 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Anon                     



A cross-dresser from Crosby, named Sloane,                  
Bought a frock in a class of its own.                       
It filled all the places                                    
Where Sloane had just spaces,                               
And the boys wouldn't leave him alone!                      
                                                            
52055 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Tim Tudd                 



There once was a woman named Jess,                          
Who had seen that her room was a mess.                      
She looked all around                                       
And soon she had found,                                     
Her boyfriend had taken her dress.                          
                                                            
52056 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Planet Kilmer            



An auditioning transvestite queen                           
Revealed more that should have been seen;                   
His chic slipped a notch                                    
When a silk tell-tale crotch                                
Showed a bulge where a crease should have been.             
                                                            
52057 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Ann Gasser          P8803



That transvestite Peter Doyle,    (Walt Whitman's buddy)    
Adored ruffles and tuffles and voile.                       
Just to see his pink tool,                                  
Through a veil of dink tulle,                               
Rarely failed to provoke change of oil.                     
(change of oil - induce homosexual to become heterosexual)  
52058 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                               G0962



As for Charlie wearing a skirt --                           
While I am not one to dish dirt,                            
If those are his clothes,                                   
Then his name is "Rose"                                     
And he's getting more than dessert!                         
                                                            
52059 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



Though out of the closet, The Gay;                          
Inside the closet will stay,                                
Silk stockings, brassieres,                                 
And face painting smears,                                   
And heels that make cross-dressers sway.                    
                                                            
52060 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Irving Superior     P9805



I now want to be very serious,                              
To talk of disorders mysterious,                            
Of psychological distress                                   
And the urge to cross-dress...                              
So don't you go getting delirious.                          
                                                            
52061 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Birch           P9805



A timid transvestite named Ray                              
Would cruise in his own special way.                        
All dressed up in dimity,   (cotton fabric)                 
His pusilanimity            (cowardly timidity)             
Sure made him look quite distingue.                         
                                                            
52062 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Armand E Singer       160



He took off his bra and his slip;                           
I thought that he might skinny-dip.                         
But he was a stripper,                                      
A saucy unzipper,                                           
And this was the world's first drag strip.                  
                                                            
52063 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Jim Weaver Collection    



I once was the boy they called Jen,                         
'Cause I dressed like a girl, now and then.                 
But one Valentine's Day                                     
I was done by one Gaye,                                     
And now, I dress right, once again!                         
                                                            
52064 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



There was a transvestite named Larry,                       
Who often approached the unwary,                            
As they parked their cars                                   
At restaurants and bars.                                    
He liked to eat, drink and be Mary!                         
                                                            
52065 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Observer                 



There was a young man who'd obsess                          
With getting young girls to undress.                        
He got into a jam                                           
With a transvestite man,                                    
But felt better after the arrest.                           
                                                            
52066 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young man named Foster,                    
Who was a skilled female imposter.                          
The role he played best                                     
Was that of Mae West,                                       
But his wife was shocked and he lost her.                   
                                                            
52067 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Birch           P9805



There was an old guy on the Net,                            
Who loved every girl that he met.                           
He's engaged to Miss Ann                                    
Who's really a man,                                         
But the poor fool just doesn't know yet!                    
                                                            
52068 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Anoobus                  



Swaggering macho CEO, Staid,                                
Said, "This isn't a joke or charade.                        
I've bought this darling gown,                              
Added stars to my crown.                                    
I'll wear both in the Easter parade."                       
                                                            
52069 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



In his closet with heels and roughed lips                   
All the sickies Herr Sigmund out-strips.                    
The dear old professor                                      
Must be a cross-dresser,                                    
Else why all those Freudian slips?                          
                                                            
52070 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Giandomenico    P8802



All this spam smut I must look askance on.                  
(I admit though that one I did glance on.)                  
No more will I click;                                       
That gal had a prick!                                       
I know 'cause (s)he didn't have pants on!                   
                                                            
52071 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Irish                    



I knew a transvestite named Ike,                            
Whom everyone thought was a dyke.                           
He caused such confusion,                                   
To aid this illusion,                                       
By choosing a girlfriend called Spike.                      
                                                            
52072 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



A faggot named Percival Kirk                                
Displays a sartorial quirk.                                 
The fruitcake confesses                                     
To wearing girl's dresses;                                  
"Who doesn't", he asks with a smirk.                        
                                                            
52073 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Armand E Singer       328



He met this quite cute transvestite.                        
He thought that he might spend the night.                   
The guy had a beard                                         
And was plumply brassiered.                                 
He said, "'Tis a bit of all right!"                         
                                                            
52074 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Al Willis           P9805



I came here from Beverly Hills,                             
A cross-dresser who's just out for thrills.                 
I tried to impress,                                         
And I took off my dress,                                    
And the guy just took off for the hills.                    
                                                            
52075 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Al Willis           P9805



A transvestite gal for a gag                                
Was matched with a pansy in drag.                           
A silly seduction                                           
Confirmed the deduction                                     
That heterosex was their bag.                               
                                                            
52076 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                               G2347



She's Alf when undressed?  Oh my god                        
I think you've caused my nuts and my rod                    
To shrivel up tight                                         
Inside me tonight,                                          
'Cause if she's a guy then, good lord!  [lawd]              
                                                            
52077 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



Howie played girls with the best;                           
On stage he could look quite a mess.                        
But imagine the surprise                                    
In his mothers eyes                                         
When he decided to keep wearing that dress!                 
                                                            
52078 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Jim Weaver Collection    



An agent named Sy, FBI,                                     
Met a girl, put his hand on her thigh.                      
"With hands under my dress,                                 
I feel I must confess;                                      
When you get to the balls, I'm a spy."                      
                                                            
52079 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Tom Patton          P9805



A young lady who went on a trip,                            
Met a cross-dresser onboard the ship.                       
He envied her clothes;                                      
Put on her silk hose,                                       
Then her panties and lacy black slip.                       
                                                            
52080 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Birch           P9805



It's reported that Franklin J. Krause                       
So looked forward to leaving his house                      
Saying, "Always on Sundays,                                 
I slip into thong undies,                                   
Mini skirt and a very sheer blouse."                        
                                                            
52081 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



A modest young lady, St Unt,                                
Who had a strange quarry to hunt.                           
Though 'twas hard to pick,                                  
She was looking for Dick --                                 
That's Richard, her crossdressing aunt!                     
                                                            
52082 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Jim Weaver Collection    



A man I knew found that his stress                          
Was much less when he dressed in a dress.                   
His wife only said,                                         
"You'd look better in red.                                  
And your nails, my dear, are a mess."                       
                                                            
52083 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Joe Thompson             



When Mike went out back with the boys                       
To tell them they made too much noise,                      
He found Greg in drag --                                    
And inside his handbag                                      
Was stuffed with the most curious toys.                     
                                                            
52084 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Artie Troll              



The mullah found Abdul a wife;                              
He knew they'd be married for life.                         
When he lifted her burka,                                   
He went quite berserka;                                     
She had balls and a hairy skin fife.                        
                                                            
52085 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Parker Waterman     P0203



A with-it transvestite named Noah                           
Went along to a dance in Eudoa.                             
The boa he wore                                             
Molted over the floor:                                      
The crowd saw more Noah than boa.                           
                                                            
52086 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



If I keep drinking this whiskey, I'll leer                  
At that cross-dresser in the brassiere.                     
I won't take a chance                                       
Getting into HIS pants:                                     
The next time I go out, I'll drink beer.                    
                                                            
52087 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Faerie                   



Montel, Rikki, Jerry, on video,                             
Stage anxieties of cross-dressed libido,                    
Use drag, staight or queer,                                 
With a wink and a leer,                                     
Rouse hetero-fear: "That's not me! Oh!"                     
                                                            
52088 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Jim Weaver Collection    



Transvestites who some call TVs,                            
Seem to wear women's clothes with great ease.               
They fit well in high heels,                                
Although, one sometimes feels,                              
That they don't do as well as true she's.                   
                                                            
52089 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Giandomenico    P2005



He can't tell a Lyle from a Lola;                           
He doesn't know beer from a cola.                           
When the men dress like girls,                              
With those bras and pincurls,                               
He fondles a man they call "Nola."                          
                                                            
52090 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Al Willis           P9805



"I'm an angel," she said, "in disguise."                    
But on checking, I found a surprise.                        
When her panties were shorn,                                
A devilish horn!                                            
I'm afraid "she's" just one of the guys.                    
                                                            
52091 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           John Miller              



There was a transvestite called Lily                        
Who minced up and down Piccadilly,                          
In London's fair town,                                      
Wearing naught but a frown,                                 
And some panties draped over his willy.                     
                                                            
52092 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



Young Alex I met once in Cottam,                            
Quite pretty, but tits, she'd not got 'em.                  
A cross-dresser!  Shit!                                     
It's a bottomless pit,                                      
Or rather, a damned pitless bottom.                         
                                                            
52093 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



As a Drag Queen, he earned the odd bow,                     
Yet he felt unfulfilled still somehow.                      
Then he played Cyd Charisse                                 
And he found inner peace.                                   
"She was taller than I," he'd allow.                        
                                                            
52094 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



A lumberjack logger named Whitey,                           
All burly and macho and mighty,                             
Was a hell of a sight                                       
In his bedroom each night,                                  
As he pranced about in his nightie.                         
                                                            
52095 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Cap'n Bean          P0204



A transvestite by the name of Downs                         
Plied his trade in a number of towns.                       
He would put on a show                                      
For those folks in the know,                                
Dancing sprightly in satin ball gowns.                      
                                                            
52096 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Tom Patton          P0201



Before giving your queen a ring,                            
Better make her show you her thing.                         
It's not such a sin to                                      
Know what you're getting in to;                             
She might not be your queen but your KING!                  
                                                            
52097 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Florida Man              



Is transvestisation perversion?                             
I find it a pleasant diversion;                             
Except in the street                                        
Where the gay blokes you meet                               
Will offer an anal insertion.                               
                                                            
52098 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Tiddy Ogg                



Dressed in sweet-suits of satin and lace,                   
The transvestites all gaily embraced,                       
Then adjusting their straps                                 
They began doing laps,                                      
In what critics might call a drag race.                     
                                                            
52099 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Giandomenico    P9111



There was an Old Man in a boat,                             
Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!"                         
When they said, "No you ain't!"                             
He was ready to faint,                                      
In chignon and red petticoat.                               
                                                            
52100 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Edwardian Leer 087       



A strapping young farmer named Kurt,                        
Was often seen in a blouse and a skirt,.                    
At the local dances                                         
Resisting advances,                                         
But he has to be very alert.                                
                                                            
52101 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Arthur Pattaffy          



When he thinks that she sleeps, he tip-toes                 
To the mirror to try on her clothes.                        
Then he giggles and bounces                                 
And shows off his flounces                                  
And ruffles and garters and hose.                           
                                                            
52102 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Jim Weaver Collection    



The pain from harsh words quickly heals,                    
But think how a cross-dresser feels.                        
It's a punch and a curse,                                   
And he must drop his purse,                                 
Then run for his life in high heels.                        
                                                            
52103 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Birch           P9805



RuPaul is a babe who's in fashion,                          
Looking gorgeous, inspiring passion.                        
Rednecks give him the eye,                                  
As their pickups drive by,                                  
On the way out to do some gay bashin'.                      
                                                            
52104 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Larry Hollister          



RuPaul has a web site, I hear;                              
Which is cool, but a little bit queer.                      
You can send him some E-mail                                
To ask if he's female,                                      
And which is his brand of brassiere?                        
                                                            
52105 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Larry Hollister          



Joan of Arc found her gender a trial;                       
Cleopatra was oft in de-Nile.                               
But denying those urges                                     
Which "Ellen" now purges,                                   
Was never RuPaul's chosen style.                            
                                                            
52106 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Larry Hollister          



My steamy-hot date hit a snag;                              
By the end of the night made me gag.                        
My object of lust,                                          
To my total disgust,                                        
Was a guy named RuPaul, dressed in drag!                    
                                                            
52107 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Larry Hollister          



There's a guy by the name of RuPaul                         
Who, as cross-dressers go, has it all.                      
He's got fame and success                                   
(Butt looks good in a dress)                                
And the ladies' room saves him a stall.                     
                                                            
52108 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Larry Hollister          



His friends view as just a damn shame,                      
A transvestite who calls himself Mame.                      
Some feel his cross-dressing                                
Is somewhat distressing,                                    
While to others he's just a sham dame.                      
                                                            
52109 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Giandomenico    P9511



A guy met a good looking female,                            
After sending her plenty of e-mail.                         
With a little romance                                       
He was soon in her pants,                                   
But was shocked to find out she was he-male.                
                                                            
52110 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Jim Weaver Collection    



And the best part of all, I suppose                         
Is the wearing of girlie-type clothes.                      
As I write I am dressed,                                    
In a see-through pink vest,                                 
Gold high-heels, and white sheer pantie hose                
                                                            
52111 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



A transvestite with body type burly                         
Could sometimes become downright surly                      
When someone in a bar                                       
Would shout from afar,                                      
"Shed some weight for a figure that's girlie!"              
                                                            
52112 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           J'Carlin                 



At the crossdresser's annual dance,                         
In a low-cut gown, Marlene from France                      
Reached up just a bit                                       
And showed off some real tit.                               
"How the hell did he do that?" asked Vance.                 
                                                            
52113 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Michael Weinstein   P9102



"Now why did you rip off my skirt                           
And tight silky panties?" moaned Bert.                      
"You know they excite                                       
Me and set me alight..."                                    
"Well, I know you're perverted," said Gert.                 
                                                            
52114 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Peter Wilkins            



Well, I bought these cute pearls for my ears,               
And some lovely, size forty brassieres.                     
They discovered that I                                      
Was a bald freaking guy,                                    
And all that I got were some leers.                         
                                                            
52115 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Al Willis           P9805



I don't understand transvestism.                            
Is it viewing yourself through a prism                      
Of feminine things,                                         
While your pecker swings?                                   
A strange way to get rid of jism.                           
                                                            
52116 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Frank Fazed              



Our sweet Mabel is really a guy.                            
When rejected, you should have asked why?                   
His most subtle treat                                       
Includes beating his meat,                                  
Whilst thumbing your ass on the sly.                        
                                                            
52117 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



There once was a guy in Bangkok                             
Who suffered a terrible shock.                              
A girl that he knew                                         
And wanted to screw,                                        
Said, "Hi hon, Can you suck my cock?"                       
                                                            
52118 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Rudi Verheecke           



Kevin once dated this chick;                                
Up her skirt his hand he did stick.                         
She let out a chuckle                                       
But his knees they did buckle,                              
'Cause his hand held two balls and a prick.                 
                                                            
52119 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Clint Bement             



"Please take off my dress," she begged thickly              
And my hose and my garter belt, quickly,                    
Now my bra and my pants                                     
And for goodness sake, Lance,                               
Your transvestite habits are sickly.                        
                                                            
52120 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Giandomenico    P8802



"Tennis? No, not in this dress!"                            
Said a guy suffering some stress.                           
"Tennis is for girls;                                       
I'll just play with my pearls.                              
If you ask me again, I'll say yes!"                         
                                                            
52121 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Mr. Witty                



She asked that the priest now should bless her,             
When confessing to be a cross-dresser.                      
It was no mistake,                                          
It really was Jake,                                         
But of him, we should think none the lesser.                
                                                            
52122 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Bob Birch           P9805



A young "girl", so sleek and so slim,                       
Wore tight clothes that showed of "her" quim.               
The blokes they perspired,                                  
Her body desired,                                           
But she wasn't a her, but a him!                            
                                                            
52123 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



Most famous cross-dresser of all --                         
Titanic, if you would recall.                               
With things at their worst                                  
With "women/kids first,"                                    
A man with the cowardly gall....                            
                                                            
52124 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Irving Superior     P9805



A secret transvestite named Jules                           
Was found by his wife wearing crewels.                      
She said in disgust,                                        
"You must if you must,                                      
But are they not tight on your jewels?"                     
                                                            
52125 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Paul Westwood       P9607



Those Disney shows to entertain                             
Use adult jokes we must explain:                            
What is a cross-dresser?                                    
The answer distressed her.                                  
We said, "It's like Uncle Elaine!"                          
                                                            
52126 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



I live in a well appointed harem                            
So many sex toys, I can spare 'em!                          
Pleasure galore!                                            
You'll scream for more!                                     
My panties...Would you like to wear them?                   
                                                            
52127 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



There was a young man from Key West,                        
Who dreamed he had two supple breasts.                      
When he woke, he felt tickled;                              
He sucked both his nipples,                                 
And found he was wearing a dress.                           
                                                            
52128 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           cOOkie                   



While noting the bulge in his trousers,                     
A gentleman, Ashley, carouses                               
In rubber with zips,                                        
And with sixteen foot whips,                                
But enjoys it while wearing girls' blouses.                 
                                                            
52129 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Thunderwing              



An avid cross-dresser named Dave                            
Wore a black leather skirt as a slave.                      
But his mistress was cruel,                                 
And now the poor fool                                       
Got to wear it that night to his grave.                     
                                                            
52130 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST           Anon                     



There once was this guy named Stan,                         
Who had trouble being a man,                                
Wore a dress and high heels                                 
Drove a car with pink wheels,                               
And soon Stan became a tran.                                
                                                            
52131 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST                                    



I am going to say, you must know,                           
I came on to your Aunt with gusto.                          
She was quite a flirt,                                      
But under that skirt                                        
Was a cock and two balls, Yuck! Disgusto!                   
                                                            
52132 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Frank Fazed              



If only you'd stop chewing your cud,                        
Pay attention, let go of your pud.                          
I did try to tell ya                                        
Aunt Blabby's a fella.                                      
She doubles as dear Uncle Bud.                              
                                                            
52133 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Faerie                   



Just because she looks great in that frock,                 
No need to put yourself in hock                             
To buy her a ring,                                          
For what makes her sing,                                    
Is someplace nice and warm for her cock.                    
                                                            
52134 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Faerie                   



I don't think you want to go "there";                       
Keep a close eye on your underwear.                         
Staying seated might do,                                    
And a toupee might do too;                                  
I've heard she likes men with no hair.                      
                                                            
52135 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Faerie                   



My son's just come back from KL;   (Kuala Lumpur)           
A barmaid told him how to tell,                             
Before you undress her,                                     
If he's a cross-dresser,                                    
If he/she's a fella or gel.                                 
                                                            
52136 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



She said that there's one patch of skin,                    
A razor can't thoroughly skim;                              
To save yourself trouble,                                   
You feel for the stubble,                                   
That's bound to lie under the chin.                         
                                                            
52137 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



But it is just not that easy to tell                        
A fellow who's dressed as a gel.                            
Those impersonators                                         
Now use epilators,                                          
So chin stubble gets yanked out as well.                    
                                                            
52138 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



He says that one night he did go                            
To see those guys in a strip show.                          
They all had their dongs                                    
Tucked into their thongs,                                   
So there was just no way to know.                           
                                                            
52139 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



A lesbian friend of mine said                               
"In KL, met a girl name of Fred. (Kuala Lampur)             
All seemed fine                                             
Until the time                                              
Her dong showed its face" -- was she red.                   
                                                            
52140 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Countrygirl              



"I'm sorry to bother you, doc,                              
But what can I do with my cock?                             
It's always erecting                                        
And therefore affecting                                     
The style of my favorite frock."                            
                                                            
52141 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  PeterW                   



"I'll cut off your dick if you like.                        
With this scalpel a singular strike                         
Will ensure that it falls                                   
To the floor with your balls;                               
Then you'll look like a regular dyke."                      
                                                            
52142 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  PeterW                   



You whispered sweet things in my ear;                       
You told me that I was your dear.                           
Now how can that be                                         
That you deceived me.                                       
I cannot believe what I hear.                               
                                                            
52143 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tjarda                   



You now wear the dress 'stead of me;                        
You wanted the female to be.                                
You can play that part,                                     
Make it into an art,                                        
But I'm not into "travesty".                                
                                                            
52144 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tjarda                   



I don't like my men wearing dresses.                        
There is no man who impresses                               
Me as much as a man,                                        
Who acts like one, can.                                     
From that man I want my caresses.                           
                                                            
52145 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tjarda                   



A young man from Fort Meyers Beach                          
Spied a beauty just out of his reach.                       
He became quite a flirt,                                    
As he tugged on her skirt,                                  
And dropped to one knee and beseeched:                      
                                                            
52146 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



"Lovely Lady, it's been a long time,                        
Since I have seen an ass quite as fine.                     
If you give me a minute,                                    
I'll put something in it;                                   
'Twill drive you right out of your mind!"                   
                                                            
52147 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



Unfortunately, the man minconstrued;                        
The damsel was really a dude!                               
And when he turned 'round,                                  
The young man soon found                                    
'Twas a transvestite to whom he'd been lewd.                
                                                            
52148 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



The 'vestite slapped at his paws,                           
"In this city, Sir, we have laws!                           
But come to my pad --                                       
I'd really be glad,                                         
To let you get into my drawers."                            
                                                            
52149 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



The young man, no longer in sight,                          
Had disappeared into the night.                             
The man, in a panic,                                        
Had acted quite manic,                                      
And had run home with all of his might.                     
                                                            
52150 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



The moral of this is quite clear:                           
Be wary of gender, my dear!                                 
An ass, though quite magic,                                 
Could prove to be tragic,                                   
With an unfortunate poke in the rear!                       
                                                            
52151 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Jim Weaver Collection    



The reason Joe was a cross-dresser,                         
He'd answer his mother with "Yes Sir."                      
His father said, "Damn!"                                    
He answered, "Yes Ma'am."                                   
"He's gender confused," his Confessor.                      
                                                            
52152 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Irving Superior     P9805



He went to his father confessor                             
And said, "I am now a cross-dresser."                       
He talked about bras                                        
And slips made of gauze,                                    
And the padre became the aggressor.                         
                                                            
52153 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Al Willis           P9805



He'd not wanted to look like a hag,                         
But his boobs had started to sag,                           
Balloons filled with water                                  
Don't stay where they oughta;                               
This cross-dressing's really a drag!                        
                                                            
52154 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Bob Birch           P9805



I like to wear bras and panties;                            
Just love the feel of silken scanties.                      
They say sticks and stones                                  
Can cause broken bones,                                     
While whips and chains make some guys randy.                
                                                            
52155 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Gearhart                 



I'm into leather and feathers;                              
Body oil, paints, and tethers.                              
Seems masochism                                             
Brings out my gism,                                         
But never with guys wearing leathers.                       
                                                            
52156 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Gearhart                 



Cross dressing gets quite confusing                         
And can, at times, be amusing.                              
At night on the town                                        
In my evening gown,                                         
Not sure what 'room' to be using.                           
                                                            
52157 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Gearhart                 



She was such a beautiful sight,                             
That gorgeous blonde transvestite.                          
She/he said, "See here, Toot,                               
I've both quim and a root,                                  
But my pooper's an outright delight.                        
                                                            
52158 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tutta Gioia              



"I like your confusion," s/he said.                         
"You'll be on your toes in my bed.                          
What is your wish,                                          
Hot dogs or fish?                                           
I'm looking and cooking ahead."                             
                                                            
52159 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Karen                    



Hot dogs I really don't like,                               
That macho and meaty old spike!                             
But a dish of fresh fish                                    
Is what I would wish                                        
From a loving and sexy young dyke!                          
                                                            
52160 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Tutta Gioia              



I wear ladies panties all day,                              
But I find that they easily fray                            
And the gussets and seams                                   
Come apart in my dreams,                                    
But that won't stop my habit, no way!                       
                                                            
52161 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  PeterW                   



So it should not be a total loss,                           
Those panties of yours you should toss.                     
Then go and put on                                          
Some reinforced cotton;                                     
They last longer, that's why, because!                      
                                                            
52162 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Arden                    



A transvestite hooker called Ted                            
One morning was picked up by Ed-                            
dy Murphy, who cried,                                       
"I just gave him a ride!"                                   
But for a black man, his face was sure red!                 
                                                            
52163 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES                           



The officer wasn't quite sure                               
Were their intentions obscene or quite pure?                
He couldn't be certain,                                     
his head was a hurtin'                                      
Was Teddy a him or a her?                                   
                                                            
52164 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES                           



There once was a girl from Milan,                           
Who had many a masculine fan.                               
They wined her and danced her                               
Until they depantsed her,                                   
And found out our girl was a man.                           
                                                            
52165 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  MrMalo                   



These gentlemen were really vexed,                          
Spending all of their time oversexed.                       
When Mister Milan                                           
Showing elan,                                               
Said, "No matter, bambino, who's next?"                     
                                                            
52166 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES  Arden                    



I think I'll require an admission                           
From gents here who have such volition                      
To wear women's undies                                      
On weekdays and sundays                                     
Or I'll not accept your position!                           
                                                            
52167 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES                           



That rumour I just cannot scotch:                           
The feel of that lace on your crotch,                       
Is simply divine,                                           
When it still bears the sign,                               
Of once having cradled her notch.                           
                                                            
52168 PERVERTS - TRANSVEST - SERIES                           



A young man has sure seen the glory,                        
'Cause young girls in skirts are his quarry;                
When he sees one he fancies,                                
She checks out her panties,                                 
A priori, a posteriori.                                     
                                                            
52169 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



I walked out with the bath water running;                   
Spied the beauty next door; She is sunning.                 
Now I only can guess                                        
If my bathroom's a mess.                                    
(Would you leave a show, half so stunning?)                 
                                                            
52170 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             John Miller 0034         



A young window cleaner named Sammy,                         
Was an expert at using a chamois.                           
He saw many a figure,                                       
Some smaller, some bigger,                                  
In a sole that was prefixed by cami.                        
                                                            
52171 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Arthur Pattaffy          



Well, I hope this will not sound mundane,                   
But I hate standing out in the rain!                        
You are a lovely sight!                                     
Could you please shed more light,                           
And will you clean your damn window pane!                   
                                                            
52172 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



Speaking without innuendo,                                  
Hoping not to offend, though                                
When bathing at night,                                      
I suggest that you might                                    
Close tight the blinds on your window!                      
                                                            
52173 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             John Wayland       TP9901



The harlots who serve Natchitoches                          
Paint daffodils all 'round their crotches,                  
Which does nothing to                                       
The guys in situ,                                           
Though is pleases the voyeur who watches.                   
                                                            
52174 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Hugh Oliver         A057C



A poor peeping Tom from Berlin                              
Was caught by the cops and hauled in;                       
Said the judge, "In Connecticut                             
It's considered bad etiquette,                              
To spy on our folk while they sin."                         
                                                            
52175 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Ward Marden         P0209



Kaprolagniac Tom from Connecticut                           
Was hauled in by the cops for bad etiquette;                
Said the judge, "In Berlin                                  
It's considered a sin,                                      
To watch frauleins getting a pedicut."                      
                                                            
52176 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Arthur Deex         P0209



If you've never been to a zoo,                              
You may doubt what I say here is true.                      
In season of rut,                                           
The inmates are not                                         
Concerned by a voyeur or two.                               
                                                            
52177 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Macsam                   



I'm a voyeur I freely admit,                                
And though you may think I'm a shit,                        
I read your hot lims                                        
And start thinking of quims,                                
And your tits and your ass and your clit.                   
                                                            
52178 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Ken Rose                 



A lecherous surfer named Pete                               
Watched girls on the beach at his feet.                     
Said he with a sigh,                                        
"So much meets the eye,                                     
I cannot help eyeing the meat."                             
                                                            
52179 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Armand E Singer       467



Creeping out on a ledge to delight                          
In the sexaulization of sight,                              
Doctor Septimus Hare                                        
Fell to Russell Square,                                     
And lost this bizarre appetite.                             
                                                            
52180 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Gents Alphabet Book P9607



Mephisto knew well how to vex                               
Dr. Faustus -- by showing his ex                            
Whom the hangman had throttled                              
With her cervix all mottled,                                
Because he had a fetish for necks.                          
                                                            
52181 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             A. N. Wilkins       P8708



A mean little old man from Herkin                           
Was in the house bushes a-lurkin';                          
Peered into the bedroom                                     
Of Miss Scarlet Bloom,                                      
And all the while, jerkin' his gherkin.                     
                                                            
52182 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Marlene Lewis            



When the girl saw an eye at the keyhole,                    
She cried, "Come on in! Plug my pee hole!"                  
Said the pansy voyeur,                                      
"Oh, go comb your fur!                                      
If I'd only been born with that she-hole!"                  
                                                            
52183 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                 G2385



Hugh Clary is out at night creeping                         
Through neighborhoods, where he likes peeping,              
In windows wide open,                                       
While he stands there hopin'                                
To see a teen's honeypot seeping.                           
                                                            
52184 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Peter Wilkins            



"I realize it is women you seek;                            
And I hope I don't ruin your week,                          
But if you find a girl,                                     
Who'll give it a whirl,                                     
Do you mind very much if I peek?"                           
                                                            
52185 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Mr Malo                  



Was that you there, staring at me?                          
I was down in that square, having tea,                      
And I thought I had seen                                    
A man in between                                            
Some Bushes and down on one knee.                           
                                                            
52186 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Carol                    



Enjoying an up-the-skirt view                               
From the mirror attached to my shoe,                        
Of sweet, little hot                                        
Little, damp little twat...                                 
If only I'd known it was you.                               
                                                            
52187 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Peter Wilkins            



Said old Peeping Tom of Fort Lee:                           
"Peeping ain't what it's cracked up to be;                  
It's to jail if I stare.                                    
But if they see me bare,                                    
It's indecent exposure for me."                             
                                                            
52188 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Arthur Deex              



Said a brazen stargazer named Searles,                      
"I spy mainly on underdressed girls.                        
For quasars and such                                        
I don't care too much --                                    
My turn-on's nude bodies with curls.                        
                                                            
52189 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Armand E Singer        78



My mind's all a-boggle just now;                            
Just imagine... "I don't want a plow;                       
Just a photo or two                                         
Of your hymen, dear Sue."                                   
Why, that's stranger than humping a cow.                    
                                                            
52190 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



Exhaltation for you I profess;                              
But my chivalry's flawed, I confess;                        
On this pedestal here,                                      
I will place you, my dear,                                  
So I can sneak a wee look up your dress.                    
                                                            
52191 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Allen Wolverton          



When a young man looks up from the floor,                   
There may be a bonus in store,                              
If a beautiful lass                                         
Didn't cover her ass:                                       
Left her panties at home in the drawer.                     
                                                            
52192 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



I'll stand by this puddle and stare                         
At it, waiting for nubile young Claire                      
To pass by, for a glance                                    
Up her skirt and perchance                                  
I'll discover she's naked down there.                       
                                                            
52193 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Peter Wilkins            



Some time back, I heard on the news:                        
A man, mirrors tied to his shoes                            
Would approach women shopping;                              
His eyes were a-popping!                                    
The judge, alas, was not amused.                            
                                                            
52194 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Tiddy Ogg                



Mustafa's the name of the Turk,                             
Who loves to sneak and to lurk.                             
He hides behind trees,                                      
On his hands and knees,                                     
To see if you are doing your work.                          
                                                            
52195 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Thomas A Ratliff    P0307



An unlucky voyeur known as Vince,                           
Up a ladder to have a few squints,                          
Took a header, you know,                                    
To the concrete below--                                     
And there's not been a peep from him since.                 
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
52196 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Mark Grenier        P9108



The neighbor lady suns in the nude                          
And I spy even though it is rude.                           
And now when I watch                                        
As she opens her crotch;                                    
If my wife catches me, I am screwed!                        
                                                            
52197 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Navin                    



There a rumor of how's the town's periled                   
By a Peeping Tom oddly appareled.                           
When one's peeping, I say                                   
He can dress any way...                                     
And my name isn't Tom, it's Fitzgerald!"                    
                                                            
52198 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Grand Prix Lim  463      



For mental relief I'll embark                               
To your house and outside I will park;                      
Please make me feel sane,                                   
Wrap it in cellophane,                                      
And don't draw your shades after dark!                      
                                                            
52199 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



A stargazing dork who'd jump salto                          
When he'd telescope girls, couldn't halto                   
His desire for this sport;                                  
To the cops they'd report                                   
He's the jail's brain now in Palo Alto.                     
                                                            
52200 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



The girls' gym abutted a men's club,                        
A place aptly named the "Miss Sweet Shrub."                 
With their video feed,                                      
They spilled lots of seed,                                  
Ogling chicks showering...rub-a-dub!                        
                                                            
52201 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Jim Weaver Collection    



When a young man is taking his leisure,                     
A girl in a skirt gives him pleasure.                       
Taking care not to push, he                                 
Examines her tushie,                                        
On vidiotape, for good measure.                             
                                                            
52202 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



A voyeur in Texas named Rex                                 
Often makes small down payments on sex.                     
It won't buy him coition,                                   
Just a peephole position,                                   
To watch others' sexual effects...                          
                                                            
52203 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Grand Prix Lim  120      



Said old Peeping Tom of Fort Lee:                           
"Peeping ain't what it's cracked up to be;                  
I lose all my sleep                                         
And I peep and I peep,                                      
And I find 'em all peeping at me."                          
                                                            
52204 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



Some people are sick in their minds;                        
Their acts of perversion are kinds                          
That no one should show,                                    
This fact I should know;                                    
I see it while peeping through blinds!                      
                                                            
52205 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Travis Brasell           



A fellow named Pike from Lone Creek,                        
Was a voyeur, a pervert, and sneak.                         
Drilled a hole in a wall,                                   
Of a ladies shower stall,                                   
And engaged in what's known as Pike's peek.                 
                                                            
52206 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Bob Birch           P0900



Old Jack, in the sex-shop, looked shifty;                   
"This mag is a rip-off; I'm miffed", he                     
Said, "Where's the huge tits?                               
These old slags are the pits,                               
And their knockers are not 'Over Fifty'."                   
                                                            
52207 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



In the land of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer,                    
A young man excels as a voyeuer.                            
He looks up the dress                                       
Of each girl, more or less,                                 
And records it, so all can enjoy her.                       
                                                            
52208 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



One will find that in every locality,                       
There's a man with a morbid mentality,                      
And a habit distressing,                                    
To view ladies undressing --                                
He's a man with a split personality.                        
                                                            
52209 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2672



If you boys would bring us some Scotch                      
And promise to bind up your crotch,                         
We'd get out the toys                                       
And really make noise,                                      
While you guys just stand there and watch.                  
                                                            
52210 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             YLF                      



My neighbor's been fixing his house;                        
The rooms have no curtains.  The louse                      
Just walks around bare!                                     
If I stand on a chair,                                      
I can see him until the lights douse.                       
                                                            
52211 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



Two old peeping toms down in Troon,                         
Take turns with the 'scope, as young June,                  
A nudist, then lays                                         
'Neath Arthur's keen gaze,                                  
Then Jack's off the whole afternoon.                        
                                                            
52212 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Tiddy Ogg                



While hiding behind Rosie's curtain,                        
Joe watched while she laid Willie Burton.                   
A great sexual freak                                        
Willie poked for a week,                                    
So what happened to Joe is uncertain.                       
                                                            
52213 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Grand Prix Lim  131      



My (pat pending) periscope winds                            
Through pipes till it (pat pending) finds                   
By turning and bending                                      
Those places (pat pending)                                  
Where ladies unsheath their behinds.                        
                                                            
52214 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Irving Superior     P9304



A horny old voyeur named Yackup (Jacob)                     
Would stare at sunbathers with crack up.                    
The sight of their curves                                   
Excited his nerves,                                         
Causing visceral urges to shack up.                         
                                                            
52215 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Armand E Singer       465



The night before last I went blind,                         
While watchin old dad bump and grind                        
Old momma's fat ass.                                        
Now was it the grass                                        
Or all that white stickum I mined.                          
                                                            
52216 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



Of course, as for me, I just watch.                         
My reputation has no blotch!                                
(Watch pecs, abs and butts                                  
On male cybersluts                                          
And sometimes I do watch the crotch.)                       
                                                            
52217 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



A webcam's installed, and I've seen                         
The dormitories down at Roedean.                            
See posh naked girls...                                     
Oh damn it, the url's                                       
Obscured by the goo on the screen.                          
                                                            
52218 PERVERTS - VOYEURS                                      



Young Mike was a tike quite tormented                       
By Missy, who's mother just rented                          
The flat 'cross the street.                                 
He'd peek at her meat,                                      
Daily [if shades weren't invented...]                       
                                                            
52219 PERVERTS - VOYEURS             Jon Gearhart             



When he spied the cop's daughter, young Chad                
Was arrested by beauty she had.                             
But he spied through her curtain,                           
So you can be certain                                       
He also was arrested by Dad.                                
                                                            
52220 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Jerry Nordal             



A poor peeping Tom from Berlin                              
Was caught by the cops and hauled in;                       
Said the judge, "In Connecticut                             
It's considered bad etiquette                               
To spy on our folks while they sin."                        
                                                            
52221 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Armand E Singer       651



A cosmologist, Nebula La Storms,                            
With his scope observed heavenly forms.                     
But these forms weren't stars,                              
And he sits behind bars                                     
For observing sorority dorms.                               
                                                            
52222 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    William Nesbit      P0111



The bedsprings upstairs, how they'd squeak!                 
I climbed up the ivy to peek.                               
I fell, came a cropper,                                     
Then up comes a copper...                                   
I'm due in the court-house next week.                       
                                                            
52223 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT                             



A spinster who came from the Ruhr,                          
Was grasped by a vulgar young boor.                         
This detestable varmint                                     
Unfastened her garment,                                     
But she found he was just a voyeur.                         
                                                            
52224 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Albin Chaplin 3024  G1599



A lovely young whore named Felice,                          
Much admired by the local police,                           
Awoke from her sleeping,                                    
Spotted Tom outside peeping;                                
He was jailed for disturbing the piece.                     
                                                            
52225 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Derek                    



There once was this good-looking whore,                     
Caught a voyeur watching, next door.                        
She grabbed his spy glass                                   
Rammed it up his ass,                                       
"Don't Peep Around Much Anymore!"                           
                                                            
52226 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Laurence Craft           



This annual scene is a shock                                
To neighbors of mine who unlock                             
Their doors to come out,                                    
And look all about,                                         
At me boffin' gals -- and not stock!                        
                                                            
52227 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT                             



When they finally caught "Peeping Tom" Moyer,               
Long thought a campus-cop voyeur,                           
The A.C.L.U                                                 
Got him out of his stew,                                    
"An invasion of privates," said the lawyer.                 
                                                            
52228 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Irving Superior     P8111



She was built like the goddess called Venus;                
As we watched, she revealed all her she-ness.               
We almost boiled over,                                      
But the show was soon over,                                 
As we peeked through the keyhole, she seen us.              
                                                            
52229 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Al Willis           P9701



A degenerate, Handy McCall,                                 
Was arrested for being too tall.                            
He performed acts obscene                                   
In the ladies latrine                                       
While he stood and looked over the stall.                   
                                                            
52230 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    William N. Nesbit   P9602



A kinky young voyeur, quite queer,                          
Was watching a house from the rear,                         
When a cop wandered by                                      
And arrested the guy                                        
At the peek of his career.                                  
                                                            
52231 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Ann Gasser          P9007



A peeker at peckers named Jay                               
Hung out at the Y.M.C.A.                                    
But the dick that he saw                                    
Was Detective McGraw,                                       
Who hauled the piqued peeker away.                          
                                                            
52232 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT                             



Engaged in a sweet serenade                                 
'Neath a window where stood a fair maid,                    
I fell out of key                                           
And was saddened to see,                                    
That she suddenly pulled down the shade.                    
                                                            
52233 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Norm Storer         P0209



I hid once behind the green heath                           
To leer at Marlene's underneath.                            
But catching my glance                                      
She flogged my damn lance,                                  
And punched on my balls and my teeth.                       
                                                            
52234 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT                             



A voyeur when hailed into court                             
Came out with this shameless retort:                        
"When I see couples screwing,                               
It's interesting viewing--                                  
It's a wonderful spectator sport!"                          
                                                            
52235 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT                        G2301



An annoying old voyeur of Scranton                          
Goes about in the parks with a lantern                      
Which he shines in the eyes                                 
Of the gals and the guys                                    
At the height of their writhin' and pantin'.                
                                                            
52236 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT    Keith MacMillan     A104A



A voyeur was caught in the dark as                          
He spied on erotic car parkers;                             
But when told to desist                                     
Said, "I just can't resist                                  
Couples who lark when they're starkers."                    
                                                            
52237 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - CAUGHT                        G2683



Lest Citizens duly object,                                  
Then the Mayor and Council Elect                            
Passed a law here consenting                                
To perverts frequenting                                     
Our Town with immediate effect.                             
                                                            
52238 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



For Perverts who travel to Ryde,                            
We have published a visitor's guide,                        
To the Nudist Beach here,                                   
And to make it quite clear,                                 
What's permitted and what is decried.                       
                                                            
52239 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Rule 1.  The Perimeter Fence.                               
Here the fee is just twenty-five cents.                     
But if what you desire                                      
Is binocular hire,                                          
Be aware that our fee is immense.                           
                                                            
52240 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Rule 2.  Use the Bushes and Hedges.                         
Don't stand, sit, or lie on the ledges                      
Exposed to the sea.                                         
We will double our fee                                      
For those perverts caught whanging their wedges.            
                                                            
52241 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Rule 3.  Within Sight of the Sand.                          
This will cost the best part of a grand.                    
If you must have a wank,                                    
Be considerate.  Thank                                      
You:  Keep hidden and do it by hand.                        
                                                            
52242 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Rule 4.  The Restriction on Noise.                          
Not permitted are battery toys;                             
Though a low-level moan                                     
As you finger your bone,                                    
Is allowed if indulging with boys.                          
                                                            
52243 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Rule 5.  The Obscenity Act.                                 
Though the Council will treat you with tact,                
We shall not grant you bail                                 
If you're sentenced to jail,                                
Nor prevent you from being attacked.                        
                                                            
52244 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Out my window now I can see                                 
The building across here from me.                           
The windows are lit;                                        
I can see a bit                                             
More than folks would show me for free.                     
                                                            
52245 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Marlene Lewis            



Some guy is adjusting his jewels;                           
Two others are fighting mock duels.                         
Some guy scratched his butt                                 
And I don't know what                                       
To say 'bout the rest of those fools.                       
                                                            
52246 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Marlene Lewis            



My latest act of perversion                                 
Occurred while on an excursion.                             
In windows I peeped,                                        
Watching as people BEEPED.                                  
This is the G-rated version.                                
                                                            
52247 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Gearhart                 



One lady had really big FITS                                
When her lover said he loved her WRITS.                     
A lawyer you see,                                           
Not like you and me.                                        
Her BRIEFS are not where she sits.                          
                                                            
52248 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Gearhart                 



Some neighbors of theirs are voyeurs;                       
They watch on from their foyer.                             
One has to be cautious,                                     
Because if he's caught his                                  
ASSETS will soon be the lawyer's.                           
                                                            
52249 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Gearhart                 



For ex-peeping toms, there's a host                         
Of pleasures in being a ghost.                              
I've gazed on more quim                                     
In the showers at the gym,                                  
Than, if not all you fellows, then most.                    
                                                            
52250 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



Most evenings, to girl's pads I glide                       
To bedroom, there's no need to hide.                        
To see someone mate her,                                    
Or else a vibrator,                                         
She'll give to herself a free ride.                         
                                                            
52251 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



It's all 'round the world that I roam;                      
I've watched Carol pubic hair comb.                         
To Ericka's I've flitted;                                   
A turnstile she's fitted                                    
To count all the 'guests' she brings home.                  
                                                            
52252 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



But maybe the best thing I like,                            
Is lesbian Annabel Sykes.                                   
It gets pretty hot,                                         
When there on her cot,                                      
I'm jammed in a sandwich of dykes.                          
                                                            
52253 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



So in your bedpost carve a notch,                           
As long as the job you don't botch.                         
We'll make love all night,                                  
Until first morning light,                                  
As long as my husband can watch.                            
                                                            
52254 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Jayne                    



So your husband will not break my head?                     
I am gratefully rid of that dread!                          
But hubby as voyeur                                         
Instead of a doer,                                          
Could we please get your sister instead?                    
                                                            
52255 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tutta                    



I'm on notice the job not to botch,                         
As my phallus is nuzzling your crotch.                      
It might start to wilt                                      
If I spy a Scots kilt,                                      
With a laddie there, just standing watch!                   
                                                            
52256 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tutta                    



I never would hurt lovely Jayne;                            
I rather just open a vein.                                  
But I fear that her hubby                                   
May take a big clubby                                       
And splatter the brains of this swain.                      
                                                            
52257 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tutta                    



But thank you for your sage advice;                         
You seem a gourmet of life's spice!                         
Who knows, we may meet                                      
On some Ayrshire street...                                  
Then make love to Jayne, twice or thrice.                   
                                                            
52258 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tutta                    



Thank you, you're really quite kind.                        
My husband's quite nice, you will find.                     
But he often groans,                                        
Because my hormones                                         
Make me frequently need bump and grind.                     
                                                            
52259 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Jayne                    



Last night in my new house I stayed;                        
From my windows I'm being displayed!                        
No curtain nor blind                                        
To hide my behind...                                        
My new neighbor expects to get laid!                        
                                                            
52260 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Jeanie                   



Here's a suggestion, my dear,                               
To partially obscure that rear.                             
Go shop if you must,                                        
But I'm asking just                                         
Buy only a thin pair that's sheer.                          
                                                            
52261 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Frank Fazed              



But please make that sheer pair real thin, though           
When I am playing with Nintendo,                            
I want to be able                                           
To see from my table                                        
The view you show from your rear window!                    
                                                            
52262 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Travis Brasell           



Tonight as I'm brushing my hair,                            
I see he has brought a lawn chair.                          
He sits with eyes glued                                     
To my body, full nude,                                      
Gazing at my full lovely pair.                              
                                                            
52263 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Jeanie                   



The neighbor who lives to the West,                         
Seemed to enjoy the old view the best.                      
He'd smile, wave and nod                                    
As he left for his job,                                     
Every morning, looking as I dressed.                        
                                                            
52264 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



His wife, though, on this was not keen.                     
She resented what her husband had seen.                     
She's flat 'cross the chest                                 
and envies my breast...                                     
Seems in size, on this block, I'm the queen!                
                                                            
52265 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



With these ladies I'd like to fit in                        
'Cause I don't want to move house again...                  
But showing them up                                         
With my double D cup,                                       
Is not a good way to begin!                                 
                                                            
52266 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



My neighbor likes peeping through drapes;                   
As I ready for bed, his jaw gapes.                          
He's only sixteen                                           
And his mind isn't keen,                                    
So I must stand just so, while he tapes.                    
                                                            
52267 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



He's got a web camera you know,                             
And if to his site you should go,                           
You'll find you're the star                                 
On the net, near and far,                                   
As we wankers all get a free show.                          
                                                            
52268 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



Young Katie is shaving the thatch                           
From the lips of her virginal snatch,                       
And she's finding the lather                                
Is making her rather                                        
Excited and eager to scratch.                               
                                                            
52269 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



She's spreading her pussy-lips wide,                        
Dipping two or three fingers inside;                        
Now she's... Bugger! The curtain.                           
She's pulled it. I'm certain                                
She's noticed me standing outside.                          
                                                            
52270 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



No, I'm safe!, she continues to diddle                      
While shaving her hair pyramidal;                           
I'm careful the slap                                        
Of my fist in my lap                                        
Is unheard as I twiddle my fiddle.                          
                                                            
52271 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



And taking the little hand mirror                           
From the sink, I will tiptoe much nearer;                   
And over the top                                            
Of the curtain will prop                                    
It, in hopes I can see somewhat clearer.                    
                                                            
52272 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



Knock knock, here I am, my enchantress                      
At this door in a robe and pantless.                        
Ready for you to do                                         
That voo-doo you do;                                        
I'll help you break in that new mattress                    
                                                            
52273 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



Carol was in her 'chambre coucher',                         
Brushing her long, golden hair,                             
While outside her window                                    
I lurked, don't you know                                    
Making sure her boyfriend was not there.                    
                                                            
52274 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



She was all alone and undressed.                            
[Her lucious curves so impressed.]                          
My nose to the glass,                                       
Longing to hold that ass,                                   
Bulging nicely as you might have guessed.                   
                                                            
52275 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



I rapped softly so only she'd hear;                         
She waved to me in the mirror,                              
Then turned and walked                                      
Toward my waiting cock,                                     
And she said "Come right in, my dear"                       
                                                            
52276 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



As she opened the window for me                             
"Come quick so my neighbors don't see.                      
We've got hours alone                                       
To make each other moan.                                    
My father won't be back 'til three."                        
                                                            
52277 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



I remember my last year at school;                          
My hormones turned me to a fool.                            
All those beautiful girls                                   
In their gym-slips and curls!                               
In the classroom I couldn't keep cool.                      
                                                            
52278 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



On the field, playing tennis or hockey,                     
Athletic girls, lissom or stocky,                           
I lusted for all,                                           
Whether short, fat or tall,                                 
They'd all cause a rise of my cocky.                        
                                                            
52279 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



At a hole in the changing room wall,                        
I was peeping as after netball.                             
They emerged from the showers,                              
And I looked at their flowers,                              
They were wonderful things, one and all.                    
                                                            
52280 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



For my collar I felt a hand reaching;                       
"The rules, Ogg you surely are breaching.."                 
So thus spake the head.                                     
My face sure was red....                                    
I decided I must give up teaching.                          
                                                            
52281 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



A redhead, brunette, and a blonde,                          
Were in a bed having some fun.                              
They had fun (a lot)                                        
At menage a "twat",                                         
Unaware of me looking on.                                   
                                                            
52282 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tutta                    



Three rosebuds, so moistly en fleur,                        
Their moaning just adding allure.                           
I wish we had been                                          
Together unseen,                                            
How delightful the role of voyeur!                          
                                                            
52283 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Tutta                    



"Half my lifetime," my old friend confesses,                
"I've been looking up pretty girl's dresses.                
Now I don't get the chance                                  
'Cause the girls all wear pants,                            
And the guys are the ones with long tresses."               
                                                            
52284 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    John Miller 0065         



"Half a lifetime," my old friend then sighs,                
"Of kneecaps and pretty bare thighs,                        
But intact underwear                                        
Has always been there                                       
To prevent any pleasant surprise."                          
                                                            
52285 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    John Miller 0065a        



"Forty years of perusing all skirts,                        
Of straining my sight till it hurts;                        
Not once what I saw                                         
Was breaking the law;                                       
I'd done better perusing men's shirt's.                     
                                                            
52286 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    John Miller 0065b        



My friend is too old for conversion;                        
I'm upset by his childish perversion.                       
Well, since I'm upset,                                      
I'll relax on the net                                       
By perusing some "adult" diversion.                         
                                                            
52287 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    John Miller 0065c        



Behind this here bush, I confess                            
I watch Katie, my neighbor, undress                         
In her bedroom at night                                     
And the heavenly sight                                      
Of her causes me trouser distress.                          
                                                            
52288 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



So why don't I knock on her door                            
And demand that we screw on the floor?                      
Well, she lives with her dad                                
Who is known to be mad                                      
And is somewhere near seven foot four.                      
                                                            
52289 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Well may, Mr Griffiths, you ask,                            
Why I'm here in a rottweiler mask,                          
Squatting here in the garden                                
And nursing my hard-on,                                     
As if I'm enjoying my task.                                 
                                                            
52290 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



Well, the Joneses, you know, built a pool,                  
To use in July to keep cool;                                
And their young daughter Jane,                              
(Do I need to explain?)                                     
Will swim in the nude as a rule.                            
                                                            
52291 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



And so I'm enjoying the view.                               
I'm sure you would like a peep too.                         
If you put on this head,                                    
They'll think it's dog Fred,                                
Not perverts like us, looking through.                      
                                                            
52292 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



Nude Jane who just happened to glance                       
At the hedge and drew back askance,                         
Then covered up, wriggling,                                 
And gave a shout, giggling...                               
Oh Mum, look that dog's wearing pants!                      
                                                            
52293 PERVERTS - VOYEURS - SERIES                             



Said Nathan, convicted sex felon,                           
Deprovara helps keep down my swellin'.                      
But I still lose my poise                                   
When I bathe little boys,                                   
While fondled in turn by Aunt Helen.                        
                                                            
52294 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



Said Nathan, "My withered old dick                          
No longer was up to the trick                               
Till I found a nurse                                        
Who wasn't adverse                                          
To a gentle massage and a lick."                            
                                                            
52295 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



Said Nathan, "They said I was sick                          
For yearning to slice up a dick.                            
Then I got my degree                                        
And earned my M.D.                                          
And now I get paid for my schtick."                         
                                                            
52296 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



Said Nathan, "You know that I'm prone                       
To perversions when I get a bone.                           
But you wouldn't believe                                    
What I can achieve                                          
Just getting some people a loan!"                           
                                                            
52297 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



Said Nathan, "Don't think it's a bore                       
Coaching girls who've won nothing before.                   
Though our chance at a win                                  
Is exceedingly thin,                                        
I still can assure you, I score!"                           
                                                            
52298 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



Said Nathan, "The girls here are swell;                     
They serve all my needs very well.                          
They never resist                                           
Or get pissed when they're kissed;                          
Don't yell and don't swell and don't tell!"                 
                                                            
52299 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



I'd guess by the theme of your text                         
That Nathan is using safe sex.                              
For the girls that I screw                                  
Put up such a to-do,                                        
That I shan't use my fist on the next.                      
                                                            
52300 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



Said Nathan, "The proper pets make                          
My clientele quiver and quake.                              
Be it pussy to stroke,                                      
Or a poodle to poke,                                        
Or a taste of my fine trouser snake."                       
                                                            
52301 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



Said Nathan, "I have in my flock                            
Fine hens, and some pullets in stock,                       
Which you horny young gents                                 
Can access through the fence,                               
While you ladies can play with my cock."                    
                                                            
52302 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            John Miller              



A dork called a girl for the thrill                         
Of phone sex, then slept fast until                         
He woke the next morn.                                      
And now he's forlorn                                        
Because of his long distance bill!                          
                                                            
52303 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            Travis Brasell           



According to Miss Hannah Finnema,                           
The boss at our local sleaze cinema,                        
For only a pittance,                                        
The price of admittance                                     
Includes a choice screw and cold enema.                     
                                                            
52304 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL                                     



You speak of my sexual perversion.                          
I freely admit that immersion                               
Of my little willie                                         
In things willy-nilly,                                      
Provides me with pleasant diversion.                        
                                                            
52305 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL                                     



But as for the thumb up the ass,                            
I'd rather the cunt of a lass                               
To thus use my digit;                                       
She'll squirm and she'll fidget,                            
And pray for me when she takes mass.                        
                                                            
52306 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL                                     



As I undressed my old whore called Pam,                     
I found blood dripping from her clam.                       
Said I, "How neat!                                          
This is right up my street.                                 
I got into wound-fucking in 'Nam.                           
                                                            
52307 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            Travis Brasell           



If ever with sex I am bored,                                
With Jane, epileptic, I've scored.                          
I flash lights a bit,                                       
To give her a fit,                                          
Then see how long I stay aboard.                            
                                                            
52308 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            Tiddy Ogg                



Delights of my life aren't forgotten;                       
For instance, that boff in the cotton                       
Last week with Sue Ginty                                    
Who died there in '20                                       
And thus, has grown perfectly rotten.                       
                                                            
52309 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            Travis Brasell           



The one thing I've never regretted                          
Is having my old member wetted                              
By Sweet Sarah's tongue.                                    
She too, did die young                                      
And thus had a breath rather fetid.                         
                                                            
52310 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            SFA                      



I'm fond of the youthfully shorn;                           
When eating, it gives me the horn.                          
Though not supposed to bite it,                             
It gets me excited,                                         
The crunch of the sucked out newborn.                       
                                                            
52311 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            Cyber Wizard             



I've learned, when I'm tonguing old Sue,                    
That the semi-gelatinous goo                                
That exudes from her twat,                                  
Like low-tide flavored snot,                                
Is quite yummy when served on toast, too.                   
                                                            
52312 PERVERTS - ZSEVERAL            Clu                      



Said the spiral vice-president, Twist,                      
Who never a buck could resist,                              
"I'll eat shit off the slit                                 
Or perhaps off a tit,                                       
Just as long as my asshole is kissed."                      
                                                            
52313 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2349



A perverted old hooker named Lux                            
Said, "I have to feel pain when I fucks:                    
To get whipped and eat shit                                 
While I fingers the clit--                                  
(This stuff really brings in the bucks!)"                   
                                                            
52314 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     G2161



On being "not hard" you are right                           
As it rammed up yer ass, my delight!                        
Your screams woke the cat                                   
Who came in and shat,                                       
And you gobbled it up in one bite.                          
                                                            
52315 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



I once knew a person named Nick;                            
When my ass needed wiping, he'd lick.                       
With a swipe of his tongue,                                 
He'd clean out my bung,                                     
And sometimes he'd tickle my prick.                         
                                                            
52316 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man of "consuming" renown,                          
In a pie-eating contest near town,                          
Was injured quite badly,                                    
When suddenly, sadly,                                       
The old cow, without warning, sat down.                     
                                                            
52317 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Observer                 



A cranky old woman from Nottage                             
Lived alone by the sea in a cottage.                        
She ate solely sea food,                                    
But it did her no good;                                     
She died eating homemade crap pottage.                      
                                                            
52318 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     G1507



There was a young man of the Tweed,                         
Who sucked his wife's arse through a reed.                  
When she had diarrhea                                       
He'd let none come near,                                    
For fear they should poach on his feed.                     
(Published 1879)                                            
52319 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0798



I'd like a good laugh tonight;                              
Do this and I'll howl with delight.                         
Here's what I have planned:                                 
You just shit in your hand,                                 
And then while it steams take a bite.                       
                                                            
52320 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



The story about Nick and Kelly:                             
In his mouth she would frequently pee;                      
With a squat and a grump,                                   
In her mouth he would dump.                                 
She gladly eats his shit for free.                          
                                                            
52321 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow of Kent                            
Who had a peculiar bent.                                    
He collected the turds                                      
Of various birds,                                           
And had them for lunch during Lent.                         
                                                            
52322 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0779



A freak by the name of Old Nate                             
Liked to take a dump on his plate.                          
The fruit of his bung                                       
Never touches his tongue;                                   
He fried it and served to his mate.                         
                                                            
52323 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



At the foot of a heap full of dung,                         
Where I lay, licking turds from mom's bung.                 
I love there to play,                                       
Though mom passed away,                                     
Ten years back when I was still young.                      
                                                            
52324 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



For dinner the soldiers were clustered --                   
To a man they complained and they blustered.                
The accepted the soup                                       
Which was made from elk poop,                               
But the moose turds were lacking in mustard.                
                                                            
52325 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2949



There was a young man from Tijuana,                         
Who declared as he wallowed in guano,                       
"It may seem imbecilic                                      
To be so coprophilic,                                       
I indulge in it just 'cause I wanna."                       
                                                            
52326 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0757



There was an old nurse called Mags,                         
Who did colostomies for fags.                               
To make sure they'd not burst,                              
And to quench her thirst,                                   
She'd guzzle the stuff in the bags.                         
                                                            
52327 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A moody young pervert called Walter'd                       
Moan, "My coprophilia's faltered.                           
A tasty supply                                              
Is so hard to come by.                                      
Shit!  I wish that my lifestyle was al-tered." (all turd?)  
                                                            
52328 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     G1517



The Mayor of Boston, it seems,                              
Was troubled with repeating beans.                          
With commendable wit,                                       
He encased them in shit,                                    
And sold them as chocolate creams.                          
                                                            
52329 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     G1512



There was a young girl of Antietam,                         
Who liked horse turds so well she could eat 'em.            
She'd lie on their rumps                                    
And swallow the lumps                                       
As fast as the beasts could excrete 'em.                    
                                                            
52330 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0765



There was a young man of Jodhpur                            
Who found he could easily cure                              
His dread diabetes                                          
By eating a foetus                                          
Served up in a sauce of manure.                             
                                                            
52331 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0297



While licking the ass of King Kivvel,                       
The duchess came out with some drivel.                      
She ran into a turd                                         
And she said a bad word,                                    
So he told her to keep her tongue civil.                    
                                                            
52332 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1270



There once was a fellow named Byrd,                         
Who tasted a poisonous turd;                                
He chewed it with grace,                                    
Made a hell of a face,                                      
And then, died, without saying a word.                      
                                                            
52333 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Cap'n Bean               



There once lived a young man named Bart                     
Whose girl was kind of a tart.                              
She'd bury her tongue                                       
About a foot up his bung;                                   
Licking shit was her favorite sport.                        
                                                            
52334 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A lady who lives in New Delhi                               
Has habits disgusting and smelly.                           
She likes to eat feces                                      
Of various species.                                         
(The recipe is tattooed on her belly.)                      
                                                            
52335 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



There was a young man from the coast,                       
Who ate melted shit on his toast.                           
When the toast saw the shit,                                
It collapsed in a fit,                                      
For the shit was its grandfather's ghost.                   
                                                            
52336 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0769



A smattering of applause could be heard,                    
When the Carney ate the fresh turd.                         
And to keep from choking,                                   
His his dick he was stroking,                               
He drank urine, shaken, not stirred!                        
(like James Bond)                                           
52337 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A mannerly fellow named Phyfe                               
Was greatly distressed by his wife,                         
For whenever she was able                                   
She'd shit on the table,                                    
And gobble the shit, with her knife!                        
                                                            
52338 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0790



Fecal Eaters Support Group was stuck                        
In a catering search gone amuck.                            
Did they ever succeed                                       
With their big catered feed?                                
Better yet! The made it "Pot Luck"                          
                                                            
52339 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jeff Iverson             



Young Rose wed the lad they called Rastus                   
So that she might lick his asspastus.                       
Though her tongue's full of hairs,                          
She most proudly declares                                   
"Few turd-eaters have ever surpassed us!"                   
                                                            
52340 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



There once was a chef from Peru,                            
Who had a fixation with poo.                                
This peculiar chap                                          
Would go for a crap,                                        
Then he'd mix it all up in his stew!                        
                                                            
52341 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Anon                     



There was an old man of Seringapatam,                       
Besmeared his wife's anus with raspberry jam,               
Then licked off the sweet                                   
And pronounced it a treat,                                  
And for public opinion, he cared not a damn.                
(Published 1870)                                            
52342 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0796



A contortionist by the name Draper                          
Wouldn't wipe himself with toilet paper.                    
He'd clean his bung                                         
With the tip of his tongue,                                 
To relish the taste and the vapor.                          
                                                            
52343 PHAGYS - COPRO                 John Chastaine      T9707



An explorer whose habits were blunt,                        
Once flavored some cannibal cunt.                           
The asshole was shitty,                                     
And--more was the pity,                                     
It oozed from the rear to the front.                        
                                                            
52344 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0385



Once I ate some dirt off the ground.                        
And then ate some seeds that I found.                       
You won't believe it.                                       
Squash grew in my shit!                                     
I sold it for five bucks a pound.                           
                                                            
52345 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



At A&M you'd be a hit.                                      
One bit of confusion, to wit:                               
This market you've found,                                   
The five bucks a pound,                                     
Is that for the squash or the shit?                         
                                                            
52346 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Five bucks a pound, that's for a mix.                       
Of squash and shit blended with sticks.                     
I stir it quite well,                                       
Enjoying the smell,                                         
And then give the sticks lapping licks.                     
                                                            
52347 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Pat,                           
Who said: I do so love scat.                                
But the first guy she bore,                                 
Said: You vile depraved whore;                              
You'd have to be sick to do that.                           
                                                            
52348 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Alexander Baron          



Her old age caused his shit-eatin' grin;                    
Her incontinence brought him chagrin;                       
He lifted her frock                                         
For oral -  a shock!                                        
He found Pampers which leaked on his chin!                  
                                                            
52349 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



Pamela Anderson Lee                                         
Said, "Would you like a glass of my pee?"                   
He replied, "Not right now dear...                          
I'm as hungry as a bear!                                    
Go shit on that plate for me!"                              
                                                            
52350 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young man named Powells,                   
Who sucked shit from a dead man bowels.                     
When he couldn't get this,                                  
He'd drink prostitute's piss,                               
And eat scrapings from sanitary towels.                     
                                                            
52351 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



A fresh-picked turd from your ass,                          
Roll it up and drop in a glass.                             
For pure refreshment bliss,                                 
Add two squirts of piss;                                    
I called it a Shit Sassafras.                               
                                                            
52352 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Helveticus        TP9806 



In his back alley shack in Mattoon,                         
Rumor has it an ignorant goon                               
Gathers feces from snakes                                   
For the icing on cakes,                                     
Which he spreads on quite thin with a spoon.                
                                                            
52353 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     G1503



There once was a man from Minot,                            
Who drank up a barrel of snot.                              
Though flavored with sugar,                                 
It turned into a booger,                                    
And a slimy green feces he got.                             
                                                            
52354 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The sparrow and horse have begun                            
A friendship that's second to none.                         
This is proof, I submit,                                    
That if one can eat shit,                                   
Then two can live cheaply as one.                           
                                                            
52355 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1190



A perverted young lady called Grace                         
Took a naive young man to her place.                        
Ignoring his howls,                                         
She sucked out his bowels,                                  
And spat it all back in his face.                           
                                                            
52356 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



The reason he's giving no smiles,                           
Despite all her feminine wiles,                             
Is due to the pain.                                         
He forgot to explain                                        
His arse was all blocked up with piles.                     
                                                            
52357 PHAGYS - COPRO                                          



She told me I was pretty sweet,                             
Yet misses your miniscule meat.                             
No wonder. Her bung                                         
Now leaks spunky dung --                                    
The kind that she tells me you eat.                         
                                                            
52358 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Britt,                          
On the ground beneath me she'd sit.                         
And when I had gas,                                         
She'd suck on my ass,                                       
Till I filled her mouth with my shit.                       
                                                            
52359 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow of Brest,                           
Who sucked off his wife with great zest.                    
Despite her great yowls,                                    
He sucked out her bowels,                                   
And spat then all over her chest.                           
                                                            
52360 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Norman Douglas      L0387



There was a young man had the art                           
Of making a capital tart                                    
With a handful of shit,                                     
Some snot and some spit,                                    
And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.                      
                                                            
52361 PHAGYS - COPRO                                     L0766



A coprophagic person named Cat,                             
Who was said to be strong into scat,                        
She would sit down below you                                
And would even blow you,                                    
In the outhouse next door to the frat.                      
                                                            
52362 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Peter Ackerman           



That eater of shit known as Cat,                            
Bartered jobs with the boys, tit for tat.                   
A blow for a rim                                            
And a fist up the quim;                                     
She became Sigma Chi's welcome mat.                         
                                                            
52363 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Randog                   



Cried a scatophile husband named Sandys                     
Whose wife made him excrement candies,                      
"Why these are not gumdrops;                                
They're genuine bumdrops,                                   
With solid turd centers -- jim dandies!"                    
                                                            
52364 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Armand E Singer       122



Young Rose wed the lad they called Rastus,                  
So that she might lick his asspastus.                       
Though her tongue's full of hairs,                          
She most proudly declares,                                  
"Few turd-eaters have ever surpassed us!"                   
                                                            
52365 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Patrick Reilly           



A sparrow ate a meal dropped on hay,                        
And before he was finished he heard a neigh.                
He located the source                                       
An Appaloosa horse --                                       
Two can live cheap as one in this way.                      
                                                            
52366 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Tom Patton               



There once was a man from Vancouver,                        
Who could inhale dirt like a Hoover.                        
He started to spit                                          
When he inhaled some shit,                                  
And said, "An unhealthy maneuver."                          
                                                            
52367 PHAGYS - COPRO                 J. Bott                  



There once was a lady of York                               
Who tried to eat shit with a fork.                          
Her son cried "You goon!                                    
Eat shit with a spoon!                                      
It's pork that you eat with a fork!"                        
                                                            
52368 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Rob Doran                



A perverted young fellow, a Brit,                           
Had breath that was reeking of shit.                        
His bad halitosis                                           
Was due to psychosis;                                       
He liked to eat out the wrong slit.                         
                                                            
52369 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jeeves             TP9802



There once was a man, wan and pallid,                       
Who peed and then pooped in his salad.                      
If this rhyme makes you cry,                                
Then you understand why                                     
You shouldn't have asked for a ballad.                      
                                                            
52370 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Rob Cameron              



There once was a strange guy named Lou                      
Who made his fat girlfriend eat poo.                        
On his face she did sit                                     
With a mouth full of shit,                                  
And said "Now you'll be eating some too."                   
                                                            
52371 PHAGYS - COPRO                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There is nothing that induces salivation                    
Like the taste of fresh menstruation,                       
As the sauce for a roast,                                   
By itself or on toast.                                      
Eat or drink it for your delectation.                       
                                                            
52372 PHAGYS - MENSTRUAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Amy of "Bob's Fenestration"                           
Was the ugliest chick in the nation.                        
But her twat was so sweet,                                  
Men fell at her feet,                                       
To lick up her monthly menstruation.                        
                                                            
52373 PHAGYS - MENSTRUAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Gowels                           
Who ate shit from dead peoples bowels.                      
His idea of bliss                                           
Was to prostitutes piss,                                    
And the drippings of sanitary towels.                       
                                                            
52374 PHAGYS - MENSTRUAL                                      



I picked up this girl at the club;                          
Stuck my face in her snatch for a rub.                      
But her tampon fell out,                                    
And I left with a shout;                                    
Then gave my red face a good scrub.                         
                                                            
52375 PHAGYS - MENSTRUAL             Paul Boston              



The Smiths, an unsavory bunch,                              
Who've a fetish for menstrual punch,                        
For breakfast these lads                                    
Snack on menstrual pads                                     
And gladly save tampons for lunch.                          
                                                            
52376 PHAGYS - MENSTRUAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from Dubuque                          
Who sat there and ate her own puke.                         
She picked at her ass                                       
And ate it in class,                                        
Then some semen from some dude named Luke.                  
                                                            
52377 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a lady from Arden,                           
Who sucked off a man in a garden.                           
He said, "My dear Flo,                                      
Where does all that stuff go?"                              
And she said, "(swallow hard)--I beg pardon?"               
                                                            
52378 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     L0379



A fellatrix steno named Beeman,                             
Remarked as she swallowed my semen;                         
"On my miniscule salary,                                    
I must watch every calorie,                                 
So I get 'ahead' eating you he-men."                        
                                                            
52379 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     G0828



With Sue (his assistant) Jack makes                         
What appear to be cream-laden cakes.                        
But the heat and the steam                                  
Are the cause of the cream,                                 
For she plays with his knob as he bakes.                    
                                                            
52380 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                          



There once was an employee named Ross,                      
Who was fired one day by his boss,                          
Because he was found                                        
With his pants on the ground,                               
Dripping nasty stuff into the sauce.                        
                                                            
52381 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 P Dryden                 



The oral technique of Miss Wren                             
Appeals greatly to all virile men.                          
This Southern-fried chicken                                 
On gism don't sicken,                                       
And goes family-style, now and then.                        
                                                            
52382 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     G0923



The cheese he preferred wasn't bleu;                        
Neither American nor cheddar would do.                      
'Twas only the kind                                         
One happened to find                                        
Whilst gobbling a pecker or two.                            
                                                            
52383 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a sweet miss named Chubb,                         
Who was blowing a lad at the club.                          
He cried "Whoa! Enough!                                     
Can't swallow that stuff!"                                  
But all she could say was "glub, glub."                     
                                                            
52384 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Sam Pittman        TP9802



There was a young lady called White,                        
Who lived on used condoms and shite.                        
The rubbery bits                                            
Were as tough as old tits,                                  
But the goo left inside was alright!                        
                                                            
52385 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Moony               T9801



Please, go wipe off your chin;                              
You must be fellating again!                                
Must be great as you try it,                                
And right for your diet;                                    
It'll keep you looking quite thin."                         
                                                            
52386 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Stan the Man             



There was a young fellow of Norwich,                        
Who liked having sex with his porridge,                     
With sugar and cream,                                       
And a buttery scream.                                       
(The leftovers went into storage.)                          
                                                            
52387 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a happy young man of Fort Drum:                        
"What care I for this shortage of gum?                      
My favorite chew                                            
Is a condom or two,                                         
With a goodly amount of fresh come."                        
(gives the words 'gum rubber' new meaning - McW)            
52388 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     G1497



Said Grizelda, a poor hungry slob,                          
To the man whom she gave a blow-job                         
"I'm really quite grateful,                                 
It's like eating a plateful                                 
Of hot-dogs and corn-on-the-cob."                           
                                                            
52389 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Writerman                



There once was a girl from the Heights,                     
Who couldn't fit into her tights.                           
She found a new diet                                        
And was dying to try it:                                    
Just Irish come, sprouts and brown rice.                    
                                                            
52390 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Gene Brady               



There was a young girl we'll call Ms. M.                    
With body curvaceous and lissom.                            
From midnight 'till three                                   
She gives blowjobs for free,                                
And keeps slim on a diet of gism.                           
                                                            
52391 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Peter Wilkins            



When John fucked a girl from Purdue,                        
Tim would wait till his brother was through,                
Then Tim licked the paste,                                  
For he relished the taste                                   
Of a cunt where another man blew.                           
                                                            
52392 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2241



There was a cook called Freeman;                            
He was a dirty demon.                                       
She served the crew                                         
With menstrual stew                                         
And hymens steeped in semen.                                
(see Good Ship Venus)                                       
52393 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A cocksucker skilled, known as Sue,                         
She loved cock and gobbling goo.                            
She would guzzle your load                                  
'Til your nuts would implode,                               
And leave you with nothing to spew.                         
                                                            
52394 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 R. Rick                  



The diet of foremost persuasion:                            
Don't eat white things on any occasion,                     
Like rice, pasta, or bread,                                 
And never give head                                         
To anyone who's mostly Caucasian.                           
                                                            
52395 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Theo M. Heller      P9504



My friend, who's a number one fresser,                      
Keeps bon-bons and chips in her dresser,                    
Handy next to the bed;                                      
When she's not giving head,                                 
You can give her a snack to impress her.                    
(what is a 'fresser'? - McW)                                
52396 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Robin K. Willoughby P8402



Young Heather McGregor was nice;                            
Loved drinking bull's semen on ice                          
So I said "That's quite strange.                            
Do you fancy a change?"                                     
So she swapped it for my bowl of rice.                      
                                                            
52397 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                          



A canny Scots lass named McFargle,                          
Without coaxing and such argy-bargle,                       
Could suck a man's pud                                      
Just as hard as she could,                                  
And she saved up the sperm for a gargle.                    
                                                            
52398 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     L0412



A stork is a bird, so they say,                             
Which brings in nine months and a day,                      
A bundle of joy,                                            
An infant so coy,                                           
But a swallow keeps babies away.                            
                                                            
52399 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0876



There once was a U.S. Marine,                               
Who habits were grossly obscene.                            
He loved to eat jizz,                                       
Both others and his,                                        
When served in a hot soup tureen.                           
                                                            
52400 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     L0784



I once had a friend named Bill Matlock,                     
Who liked to cook food in a wok.                            
"My food tastes so great                                    
Because I masturbate                                        
And add an some stuff from my big cock.                     
                                                            
52401 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



For fear she might have a child, Nelly,                     
Rarely let a man into her belly.                            
She would eat it instead,                                   
And spread it on bread                                      
With guaranteed spermacide jelly.                           
                                                            
52402 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     G1505



A singer and swinger was Joyce --                           
She sang opera -- that was her choice.                      
She'd take men to bed                                       
And, after giving them head,                                
Gargle semen to strengthen her voice!                       
                                                            
52403 PHAGYS - SEMEN                 Jim Weaver Collection    



That rotten old person named Biggem,                        
He likes to have little girls frig him.                     
The big girls he fuckses,                                   
Their panties he muckses,                                   
And trains 'em to swallow and swig him.                     
                                                            
52404 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     G0830



A chef at the Waldorf named Pease                           
Could toss a green salad with ease,                         
By using his tool                                           
From which he would drool                                   
A dressing folks thought was blue cheese.                   
                                                            
52405 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     P8604



A bitchy young girl of Valhallad                            
Says, "Honey chile, family-style's pallid!"                 
This erogenous wench                                        
Loves to work 'em off French,                               
And use the results in her salad.                           
                                                            
52406 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                     G1515



There once was a woman from Perm,                           
Who's favourite candy was sperm.                            
She'd go find a lad                                         
She did not have had,                                       
And suck really hard on his worm.                           
                                                            
52407 PHAGYS - SEMEN                                          



There was an old man of Corfu,                              
Who fed upon cunt-juice and spew.                           
When he couldn't get this,                                  
He fed upon piss,                                           
And a bloody good substitute, too.                          
                                                            
52408 PHAGYS - URINE                 Norman Douglas      P9206



There was an old man of Corfu,                              
Who fed upon kitty-cat stew.                                
When he couldn't get that,                                  
He ate what he shat,                                        
And a bloody good shit he shat, too.                        
                                                            
52409 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0770



On clinkers his choice often fell,                          
Or clabbered piss brought to a jell.                        
When these palled to his taste                              
He tried snot and turd-paste,                               
And found them delicious as well.                           
                                                            
52410 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0771



He ate them, and sighed, and said, "What                    
Uncommonly fine shit and snot!                              
Now really, the two                                         
Are too good to be true,                                    
I would rather have et them than not."                      
                                                            
52411 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0772



A hypercritical bastard named Legman,                       
When drinking piss highballs puts egg in 'em.               
If he tells you you're queer,                               
To enjoy pissless beer,                                     
Just say to him, "Quit pulling my leg, man!"                
                                                            
52412 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0781



When I piss, I go to the toilet;                            
I wee in a pan and then boil it.                            
The smell was quite nice,                                   
So I did it then twice,                                     
Once more and that would of spoiled it.                     
                                                            
52413 PHAGYS - URINE                                          



No urine was ever pristiner                                 
Than the piss of Rossetti, Christina.                       
So claimed Ford Madox Brown                                 
As he quaffed a tot down,                                   
In a cup of her priceless bone china.                       
                                                            
52414 PHAGYS - URINE                                     G0809



Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting!                         
Our kettle is rotten and rusting!                           
We have to make tea in                                      
The pot that we pee in!                                     
Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting!                         
(sounds like Shel Silverstein)                              
52415 PHAGYS - URINE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man named McFee,                          
Who was stung on the balls by a bee.                        
He made oodles of money                                     
By oozing pure honey                                        
Every time he attempted to pee.                             
                                                            
52416 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0716



There was a young tourist in Turin,                         
For winin' and dinin' and whorin'.                          
But the girls wouldn't do,                                  
The pasta was glue,                                         
And the wine tasted vaguely of urine.                       
                                                            
52417 PHAGYS - URINE                 John Ciardi              



But his daughter's a cute little miss                       
Who likes to quaff quarts of my piss;                       
She signals when ready                                      
For this beverage, heady,                                   
By giving my frenum a kiss.                                 
                                                            
52418 PHAGYS - URINE                                          



A daughter of fair Ioway,                                   
While at sport in the toilet one day,                       
Swallowed some of her pee,                                  
"And hereafter," said she,                                  
"I'll do it at lunch every day."                            
                                                            
52419 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0777



There was a young man from the South,                       
Who taught girls to pee in his mouth.                       
He explained, "It's a taste                                 
We oughtn't to waste,                                       
And essential in case of a drought."                        
                                                            
52420 PHAGYS - URINE                                     G1513



An elderly rabbi named Riskin                               
Dines daily on cunt-juice and foreskin.                     
And to further his bliss,                                   
At dessert he'll drink piss,                                
For which he is alway a-thirstin'.                          
                                                            
52421 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0793



There was an old man of Balbriggan,                         
Who, cunt juice was frequently swigging.                    
But even to this,                                           
He preffered tomcat piss,                                   
And he kept a poxed black man to frig in.                   
                                                            
52422 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0767



A copraphagous fellow named Fleam                           
Loved to drink a strong urinal stream.                      
He seduced little gonsils                                   
Into spraying his tonsils                                   
With the stuff he liked best on earth: cream.               
                                                            
52423 PHAGYS - URINE                                     L0774



When frantic, and absent a loo,                             
A fellow decided in lieu                                    
Of a urinal he'd                                            
Use a mouth, so he peed                                     
In a gay urolagniac, Lou.                                   
                                                            
52424 PHAGYS - URINE                 John Sandler        P9112



The ichor that runs in my veins                             
Betrays me, and even profanes                               
My passion for piss.                                        
So, Lucy, don't miss.                                       
I 'fess up; I love when it rains.                           
                                                            
52425 PHAGYS - URINE                 H Welchel                



What a queer world we live in, in truth,                    
Where Age tries to simulate youth,                          
While those "under age"                                     
Have a terrible rage                                        
To appear to be older forsooth!                             
                                                            
52426 PHILOS                         Laurence Perrine    P8509



Is it folly or ego or rhyme                                 
That leads us to quarrel with Time?                         
Age says, "To be sure,                                      
I am wiser than you're";                                    
Says youth, "You're more timid than I'm."                   
                                                            
52427 PHILOS                         Laurence Perrine    P8509



"I declare," cried an old man, "it's truth,                 
When young, I was wild and uncouth,                         
But when I engage                                           
With the failures of age,                                   
I yearn for the follies of youth."                          
                                                            
52428 PHILOS                         Laurence Perrine    P8509



There was a faith healer from Deal,                         
Who said, "Although pain isn't real,                        
If I sit on a pin,                                          
And it punctures my skin,                                   
I dislike what I fancy I feel."                             
                                                            
52429 PHILOS                         Langford Reed            



There once was a learned guru,                              
Who found he had nothing to do,                             
So he sat on a tack                                         
And thought into and back                                   
And out and beyond, and clear through.                      
                                                            
52430 PHILOS                         John Ciardi              



A philosopher said this will pass,                          
Like the pain from a kick in the ass.                       
And it won't matter much                                    
If we're Russian or Dutch,                                  
Or a hobo who sleeps on the grass.                          
                                                            
52431 PHILOS                         Warrick Elrod            



Technology's way of enhancing                               
Philosophy's means of advancing:                            
A lens to zoom in                                           
On the head of a pin,                                       
To count how many angels are dancing.                       
                                                            
52432 PHILOS                         Peter Wilkins            



So what is my ideal, you ask?                               
Well, most people fulfill that task.                        
Something I can hold,                                       
Sufficient to behold                                        
Au naturale, and not a mask.                                
                                                            
52433 PHILOS                                                  



A philosopher from the Ukraine                              
Told his concubines "Never again!                           
I seek the sublime                                          
Not in women and wine,                                      
But through exercise of my brain."                          
                                                            
52434 PHILOS                                                  



Why do dogs lick their own peckers,                         
And why do gay boys wear Mum's knickers?                    
Philosophy's cruel,                                         
Makes thinking a tool,                                      
When God made the brain to sop liquors.                     
                                                            
52435 PHILOS                                                  



An oriental scholar named Kim                               
Had the strangest thing happen to him.                      
He was clapping one hand                                    
To make his rod stand,                                      
When his palm-tree turned into a quim.                      
                                                            
52436 PHILOS                         Neal Wilgus         P8311



A cynic says, "Now that we know                             
Life's a futile, inconsequent flow,                         
And there's really no knowing                               
The way it is going,                                        
I am going to let myself go."                               
                                                            
52437 PHILOS                         Thomas Thorneley         



Philosophical questions excite us -                         
Is twinkle tits having mastitis?                            
Your pretense of arcane                                     
Is but yammer inane;                                        
Don't you dogs ever get laryngitis?                         
                                                            
52438 PHILOS                                                  



We live in a world that bewilders;                          
Inventors for death get our guilders;                       
For Society shuns                                           
Intellectual ones.                                          
Those who work to destroy are called builders.              
                                                            
52439 PHILOS                         Albin Chaplin   3024-2446



Determinists say that the Will                              
Is, in point of initiative, Nil.                            
If we say--We are free?                                     
They cry--Fiddle-de-dee                                     
Yet they hold us responsible still.                         
                                                            
52440 PHILOS                         T. Thorneley             



When talking of life and the reaper,                        
Or Des Cartes's evil demon, the creaper                     
In limerick's or prose                                      
Everyone knows,                                             
Us philosophers, we do it deeper.                           
                                                            
52441 PHILOS                                                  



There was a young man of Cadiz,                             
Who inferred that life is what it is;                       
For he had early learnt,                                    
If it were what it weren't,                                 
It could not be what which it is.                           
                                                            
52442 PHILOS                         J. Strachey              



I suppose I could try if I chose,                           
But the question is: "Can I suppose                         
I could choose what I chose                                 
If I chose?" I suppose                                      
If I chose to.  But nobody knows.                           
                                                            
52443 PHILOS                         E.F.C.                   



There was an old person from France,                        
Who said, "Free will?  Not a chance!                        
For our physical worth                                      
Is pre-programmed at birth,                                 
And our choices are made in advance."                       
                                                            
52444 PHILOS                         Richard Long             



I have labored for long in confusion,                       
Can free will be just an illusion?                          
If each choice we make,                                     
We are destined to take,                                    
It it fate I should draw this conclusion?                   
                                                            
52445 PHILOS                         Richard Long             



I supposee I could try if I chose.                          
But the question is: "Can I suppose                         
I could choose what I chose if                              
I chose?" I suppose if                                      
I chose to.  But nobody knows.                              
                                                            
52446 PHILOS                         E F C                    



I have labored for long in confusion;                       
Can free will be just an illusion?                          
If each choice we make,                                     
We are destined to take,                                    
Is it fate I should draw this conclusion.                   
                                                            
52447 PHILOS                         Richard Long             



A little known fact although true                           
About the great sage Lao Tzu,                               
Is that when questioned how                                 
One attained the great Tao,                                 
He replied and in English, "Fuck you!"                      
                                                            
52448 PHILOS                         Forbidden Limericks P8802



If no Pain, how judge we of Pleasure?                       
If no Work, Where's the solace of Leisure?                  
What's White, if no Black?                                  
What's Wealth, if no Lack?                                  
If no Loss, how our Gain could we measure?                  
                                                            
52449 PHILOS                         William Bliss            



In this din of come-froms and go-toings,                    
Is existence itself worth pursuing?                         
It's really quite freeing                                   
To be called Human Beings;                                  
Please note: we're not called Human Doings.                 
                                                            
52450 PHILOS                         Steve Holst              



He announced proudly, "I'm on the brink                     
Of an epiphany scored in ink.                               
It has just hit me, WHAM,                                   
That I know that I AM,                                      
But that doesn't mean that I need think."                   
                                                            
52451 PHILOS                         Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



But cheer yourselves up, my good friends;                   
Though it's true that the search never ends,                
We may each in our day,                                     
Have our personal say,                                      
And feel free to ignore current trends.                     
                                                            
52452 PHILOS                         L S Sprigge              



Immortality, a toy people cry for;                          
On their knees, dispute, even lie for.                      
And were they allowed,                                      
Would surely be proud                                       
To eternally apply for, even die for.                       
                                                            
52453 PHILOS                         Ystap                    



The TRUTH ABOUT TRUTH is elusive;                           
Is philosophy merely delusive?                              
What seems rubbish to you                                   
May be for me true,                                         
Which leaves everything inconclusive.                       
                                                            
52454 PHILOS                         E O Parrot               



The moon, it doth wax and doth wane,                        
Reminding us all life is vain.                              
Whatever our course,                                        
We veer from the Source                                     
Of all that is simple and plain.                            
                                                            
52455 PHILOS                         Timothy Torkildson       



The theorists all worked in a huddle                        
To give, beyond hope of rebuttal,                           
Axiomatic precision                                         
To nix indecision:                                          
The law of the Excluded Muddle.                             
                                                            
52456 PHILOS                         Dr Limerick              



I'm laying here thinking 'bout sex.                         
My thoughts have become quite complex.                      
Is it something learned,                                    
Are our instincts spurned,                                  
Or is it all really reflex?                                 
                                                            
52457 PHILOS                         Marlene Lewis            



There was a young man from Toledo,                          
Who was cursed with excessive libido.                       
To fuck, to screw,                                          
And to fornicate, too,                                      
Were the three major points of his credo.                   
                                                            
52458 PHILOS                                             L0353



Religious, agnostic or heathen,                             
I wonder if when I stop breathin'                           
My body will seep                                           
Some spirit to keep,                                        
Or if my whole self will be seethin'.                       
                                                            
52459 PHILOS                                                  



"If," moaned the adherent of self,                          
"I'm my first value, they I'm on the shelf.                 
If I must love the highest                                  
To be objectively pious,                                    
It follows that I'll be screwing myself."                   
                                                            
52460 PHILOS                         Wendy McElroy       P8211



Men's actions can fill one with tears,                      
And despair for the forthcoming years.                      
What a wonderful place                                      
Were the whole human race                                   
On vacation for ten thousand years.                         
                                                            
52461 PHILOS                         Warrick Elrod            



There was am old chap who said; "Well,                      
I think my gout's giving me hell,                           
But until one can find                                      
Which is Matter, which Mind,                                
How the hell is a fellow to tell?                           
                                                            
52462 PHILOS                         W Stewart                



In college young lads are convening                         
And answers to questions are gleaning.                      
But there's one thing I fear --                             
Though the answer is clear,                                 
Does the question itself have a meaning?                    
                                                            
52463 PHILOS                         Albin Chaplin   3024-2519



The Life-Force, afflicted with doubt,                       
As to what it was bringing about,                           
Cried, "Alas, I am blind,                                   
But I'm making a Mind,                                      
Which may possibly figure it out."                          
                                                            
52464 PHILOS                         Thomas Thorneley         



It's all down to Mind over Matter,"                         
I said as I strove to get at her.                           
"Just think existential;                                    
Conclusion, eventual:                                       
Is if you don't mind, it don't matter."                     
                                                            
52465 PHILOS                         Tiddy Ogg                



There's a sensitive man in Tom's River,                     
Whom Minsky's causes to quiver.                             
The aesthetic vibration                                     
Bring soulful elation,                                      
And also is good for the liver.                             
                                                            
52466 PHILOS                         Anon                L1589



This question comes not from duress,                        
But such truths, it is well to assess.                      
"The whole's more than the parts,"                          
Is how one theory starts.                                   
What if though, it's not more but less?                     
                                                            
52467 PHILOS                         Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



So I believe nothing at all,                                
Not e'en that the earth's a big ball.                       
So I sit here and type                                      
This meaningless tripe,                                     
Knowing that it won't leave these four walls.               
                                                            
52468 PHILOS                         Tiddy Ogg                



Not one of you people exist;                                
You're fainter than clouds in a mist.                       
So I'll talk to mysel'                                      
In this warm padded cell --                                 
It's so comfortable here, round the twist.                  
                                                            
52469 PHILOS                         Tiddy Ogg                



There's no Archie, no Pete, that is plain;                  
No Karen, no Marlene, no Jane.                              
No Tutta, no Ogni,                                          
No Ericka, no me!                                           
I'm a figment of my own brain.                              
                                                            
52470 PHILOS                         Tiddy Ogg                



A scholar Sir Mordecai Ross                                 
Found the answers to life in a gloss.                       
The lacuna that foiled                                      
All the labor he'd toiled,                                  
Was the questions were soiled with a toss.                  
                                                            
52471 PHILOS                                                  



Ad announces "Manipulate Fate"                              
But I'll categorically state:                               
Though you put your mind to it,                             
You really can't do it;                                     
None can trash pre-ordained karma freight.                  
                                                            
52472 PHILOS                         Esther Koch              



A philosopher, finding a stone,                             
Posed the question: How far was it thrown?                  
Though he couldn't decide,                                  
He deduced it implied,                                      
He existed and wasn't alone.                                
                                                            
52473 PHILOS                         Prof M-G                 



There once was a person of Chiswick,                        
Who said, "I despise metaphysic.                            
Oxford may feel                                             
That the real is ideal,                                     
But it certainly isn't in Chiswick.                         
                                                            
52474 PHILOS                         J M Ross                 



That nothing exists cannot be,                              
For if nothing existed, you see,                            
'Twould be nothing no more,                                 
And there's nothing so sure.                                
(But it's nothing that's bothering me.)                     
                                                            
52475 PHILOS                         Peter Wilkins            



The truth of all this, does seem plain,                     
Is that philosophy would be in vain,                        
If its aim were a view                                      
So objectively true,                                        
It would not be discarded again.                            
                                                            
52476 PHILOS                         L S Sprigge              



Material equals the parts,                                  
Atoms and such, for a start.                                
But organization                                            
Is the formal relation,                                     
Like the shape, the pattern, or art.                        
                                                            
52477 PHILOS                                                  



There was a young man who said "Damn!                       
It appears my whole life is a sham.                         
My outward depiction                                        
Is merely a fiction,                                        
Not really the man that I am.                               
                                                            
52478 PHILOS                         Richard Long             



There was a young man who said, "Damn!                      
It occurs to me that I am                                   
A creature that moves                                       
In predestinate grooves;                                    
Not a bus, nor a train, but a tram."                        
                                                            
52479 PHILOS                         M. E. Hare               



If secrets of life you beseech,                             
I've discovered the answer to each;                         
Though you're blessed with dexterity,                       
An itches' severity                                         
Is higher the farther from reach.                           
                                                            
52480 PHILOS                         G Watson                 



In thought of ethics and reason                             
Of religion, approved of, or pagan,                         
Belief is the core,                                         
There's no proof of more,                                   
So I'll wait till proof is in season.                       
                                                            
52481 PHILOS                                                  



There's a Chinese philosopher, Chan,                        
Who explained how religions began:                          
"Like neighbor downstair                                    
Who await, unaware,                                         
Second shoe from a one-legged man."                         
                                                            
52482 PHILOS                         Thomas A. Quinine   P8302



One's quest for warm hearts and affection,                  
Can lead in so many directions.                             
And eager romancers,                                        
Say love is the answer,                                     
But sex raises pretty good questions.                       
                                                            
52483 PHILOS                                                  



It's awfully late; I can't sleep.                           
Been thinking philosophies deep;                            
About yang and yin                                          
And the wages of sin,                                       
And sowing what I want to reap.                             
                                                            
52484 PHILOS                         Marlene Lewis            



To philosophers trying to sleep,                            
Distracted by mysteries deep --                             
Count the seraphim                                          
On the head of a pin;                                       
Much profounder than just counting sheep.                   
                                                            
52485 PHILOS                         Dr Limerick              



A skeptic I'm called, 'cause I doubt                        
The existance of what's talked about.                       
Not just the rules                                          
But the gods and the tools                                  
From which all these commandments sprout.                   
                                                            
52486 PHILOS                                                  



Man's life on this Earth is all blotches,                   
As more and more projects he botches.                       
Since man started his climb                                 
From the primordial slime,                                  
It appears that he's slipped a few notches.                 
                                                            
52487 PHILOS                         Albin Chaplin   3024-2455



A Solipsist with triplets said, "Though                     
No one else can exist, if it's so,                          
Why I went through so much                                  
To bring up my clutch                                       
In my fancy, I really don't know."                          
                                                            
52488 PHILOS                         Lupellus                 



A solipsist aired his contention                            
To peers at a recent convention.                            
He cried, "It's quite clear                                 
That you're really not here,                                
But you bastards just don't pay attention."                 
                                                            
52489 PHILOS                         Graham Lester            



There was an old Sophist, whose soul                        
Felt an urge towards the Infinite Whole.                    
He said, "It is grand                                       
That the soul would expand                                  
While the body subsists on the dole."                       
                                                            
52490 PHILOS                         Thomas Thorneley  (Bibby)



"If a tree falls when no one's around,                      
Is it true it does not make a sound?"                       
"Yes it does, (with disdain)                                
Just where is your brain?                                   
Do you hail from some stupid hick town?"                    
                                                            
52491 PHILOS                         Al Willis           P9711



An insensitive student named Glass                          
Once flunked his philosophy class                           
When they asked him where of                                
Was the source of all love,                                 
He said, "Three inches north of the ass."                   
                                                            
52492 PHILOS                         Bob Giandomenico    P8905



Thrown up on the shore from the sea,                        
The starfish lay looking at me.                             
It watched as I pondered                                    
Its fate, and I wondered                                    
What it's like to swim off and be free?                     
                                                            
52493 PHILOS                         Ystap                    



Don't think is will fall to your lot                        
To get what you like; it will not;                          
But if you're heroic,                                       
And follow the Stoic,                                       
You'll fancy you'll like what you've got.                   
                                                            
52494 PHILOS                         Leslie Johnson           



Said a Stoic, tormented by gout,                            
"There are times when I'm tempted to doubt                  
Our pose about pain,                                        
And disposed to maintain                                    
It is something we're better without."                      
                                                            
52495 PHILOS                         Thomas Thorneley         



Maria was known to be clever                                
With Weltschmerz and Angst, but she never                   
Could quite get the hang                                    
Of the old Sturm und Drang,                                 
No matter how hard she evdeavored.                          
                                                            
52496 PHILOS                         Paul M. Hoffman          



We greet the third Christian millennium,                    
Powered by Prozac and Pentium.                              
Good, evil, truth, lies,                                    
For supremacy vies,                                         
And by turns, each enjoys some momentium.                   
                                                            
52497 PHILOS                         Dr Limerick              



A philosophy don in Cadiz                                   
Gave his students a difficult quiz.                         
"If nothing is true,                                        
And we see things askew,                                    
How can anyone tell me what is?"                            
                                                            
52498 PHILOS                         Warrick Elrod            



Opportunity knocks at the door.                             
It knocks just once and no more.                            
But temptation, unclean,                                    
On the doorbell does lean,                                  
And the bell seems to ring evermore.                        
                                                            
52499 PHILOS                         Al Willis                



There once wasn't a rhymer named Ned                        
Who was a was not, so he said.                              
In fact he insisted                                         
He never existed,                                           
Except inside some poor fool's head.                        
                                                            
52500 PHILOS                         Brandy Brandon      P9503



There's a time machine inside your mind,                    
To this time and space not confined;                        
Return to the past,                                         
Destinations are vast,                                      
Or fast forward to see what you find.                       
                                                            
52501 PHILOS                         Joel D Ash               



Re-experience moments you prized,                           
The delights of your life scrutinized;                      
Scenic beauty recaptured,                                   
Again your enraptured,                                      
In your time machine all this reprised.                     
                                                            
52502 PHILOS                         Joel D Ash               



Full control of your life with your brain,                  
See things that no longer remain;                           
Events can be changed,                                      
Some results rearranged,                                    
You can be a young child one again.                         
                                                            
52503 PHILOS                         Joel D Ash               



Plan a trip to before you were born;                        
See the Earth on the very first morn;                       
No borders for nations,                                     
No thought limitations,                                     
Imagine the perfect sojourn.                                
                                                            
52504 PHILOS                         Joel D Ash               



Why not create a past life or two?                          
There is nothing your mind cannot do.                       
Dream up some dreams,                                       
Got to any extremes,                                        
Climb a mountain peak near Katmandu.                        
                                                            
52505 PHILOS                         Joel D Ash               



On the trips to the future take care,                       
You may not like what you see there;                        
Be aware if you venture;                                    
I don't want your censure,                                  
The world will be different -- beware!                      
                                                            
52506 PHILOS                         Joel D Ash               



The future -- a source of trepidation,                      
But provokes a sense of facination.                         
The road I am on                                            
Goes hither and yon                                         
Without any fixed destination.                              
                                                            
52507 PHILOS                         Azul                     



A philo prof's cognitive tools:                             
"Reason's for unreasonable fools;                           
Logic's got no appeal,                                      
Since what is, isn't real;                                  
And it's certain uncertainty rules."                        
                                                            
52508 PHILOS                         John Sandler        P9112



No streaking through fields filled with burrs;              
Beware of the puss with no purrs.                           
Only foolish bazoos                                         
Stand up in canoes;                                         
No squatting while wearing your spurs.                      
                                                            
52509 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



Aging humorist, Wellington Frye,                            
Misanthropically biting but spry,                           
When warned that he'd rue it,                               
Just scoffed, "Nothing to it.                               
I'll continue to come through as wry."                      
                                                            
52510 PHILOS - ADVICE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0310



During travels, I once met a man                            
Who told me that he had a plan                              
To make tensions ease                                       
And ensure world peace,                                     
If everyone adopted his stand.                              
                                                            
52511 PHILOS - ADVICE                Puff Adder               



He said, "Society should be agrarian                        
And we all should become vegetarian."                       
I ain't had much school                                     
But I'm nobody's fool;                                      
I think I'll just stay Presbyterian.                        
                                                            
52512 PHILOS - ADVICE                Puff Adder               



The apocalypse nothing to fear,                             
For the end of the world is not near;                       
Many changes no doubt,                                      
As new ideas sprout,                                        
And the limits of man disappears.                           
                                                            
52513 PHILOS - ADVICE                Joel D Ash          P0009



This truth's offered to all for a start.                    
We speak straight from a pure humble heart.                 
As we worship we're free.                                   
When we cease to agree,                                     
We'll first backbite, then slander, then part.              
                                                            
52514 PHILOS - ADVICE                Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



Some advise, but I've oft wondered why,                     
To be careful in all things you try.                        
"Don't smoke, don't make bets,                              
Don't have casual sex,                                      
Don't live just in case you might die."                     
                                                            
52515 PHILOS - ADVICE                Mike Dale                



The trick in response to life's riddle:                     
Simply choose not too much nor too little!                  
For some might make sport;                                  
That's the long and the short.                              
If a man, be the man in the middle.                         
                                                            
52516 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jim Weaver Collection    



Television does rot the brain;                              
Friendships are an awful pain;                              
Work is stress.                                             
More is less.                                               
Best to do nothing -- again. (yawn)                         
                                                            
52517 PHILOS - ADVICE                Lynn Mostafa             



True confession is good for the soul.                       
Is it ever honest and whole?                                
If you know yourself well,                                  
You won't ever tell,                                        
Lest the whole be reduced to a hole.                        
                                                            
52518 PHILOS - ADVICE                Laurence Perrine    P9306



Confucious, that Chinese sage,                              
Whose words were once all the rage,                         
Took his own advice                                         
Not once but twice,                                         
And to himself, he's now engaged.                           
                                                            
52519 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jim Weaver Collection    



There isn't a shadow of doubt,                              
We're all of us ON THE WAY OUT,                             
From old age or ambition                                    
Or excessive coition --                                     
So drink up before you are nowt.                            
(excessive coition doesn't exist - McW)                     
52520 PHILOS - ADVICE                E O Parrot               



One can't always head up the class;                         
Some men will lose out, some surpass.                       
If by chance you lose face,                                 
Take defeat with some grace;                                
It is better than losing your ass.                          
                                                            
52521 PHILOS - ADVICE                Albin Chaplin   3024-1994



A cynical sage with a kink,                                 
Said, "Between thought and deed there's a link.             
When I think what I thought,                                
I don't do as I ought,                                      
So it's best to do nought, and not think."                  
                                                            
52522 PHILOS - ADVICE                Hassall Pitman           



Remember when you are bemusing,                             
And daily decisions confusing,                              
That for life existential,                                  
The thing that's essential                                  
Is never the choice, but the choosing.                      
                                                            
52523 PHILOS - ADVICE                Cyril Hughes             



Sexologists constantly preach                               
That between sex and love is a reach;                       
But there's the odd fact                                    
That sex as an act                                          
Is focused on filling the breach.                           
                                                            
52524 PHILOS - ADVICE                Norm Storer         P9603



Now I'm old.  All my songs have been sung.                  
And worse yet, my springs are now sprung.                   
Could I go around twice,                                    
I would heed the advice,                                    
Of all Realtors, "Get lots while you're young."             
                                                            
52525 PHILOS - ADVICE                Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



For ages I have heard it said,                              
That men are too easily lead.                               
But Man's like a horse:                                     
Once given his course,                                      
He'll gallop when given his head.                           
                                                            
52526 PHILOS - ADVICE                SFA                      



"Well done, gal," I say with a grin,                        
Too soon though, a fella will win                           
A place in the game,                                        
Of life: whence he came,                                    
Is where he'll ever try to get in.                          
                                                            
52527 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



The reincarnated Res, I,                                    
Back from my travels decry:                                 
Don't sweat the petty things,                               
Don't pet the sweaty things,                                
And leave the rest in the sty.                              
                                                            
52528 PHILOS - ADVICE                Res Ipsa                 



With a conscience we're able to see                         
Just how bad we're permitted to be.                         
At the same time it's true                                  
That what's wicked for you                                  
Mightn't be half so wicked for me.                          
                                                            
52529 PHILOS - ADVICE                Limeratomy - Euwer  P8708



A hitch-hiker shouldn't succumb                             
To offers of peppermint gum:                                
An edict this isn't,                                        
With threat of imprison't,                                  
But merely a crude rule of thumb.                           
                                                            
52530 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



A famous philosoppher, Occam                                
(To upset his readers and shock 'em),                       
Wrote, "The very best way                                   
To keep women at bay,                                       
Is spread 'em out flat and stiff cock 'em!"                 
                                                            
52531 PHILOS - ADVICE                Armand E Singer       407



Philosophers say and repeat                                 
That life's a shit sandwich, complete;                      
And it's gospel, I guess,                                   
The more bread we possess,                                  
The less shit we'll be having to eat.                       
                                                            
52532 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



Oh don't eat it dear, that won't do;                        
'Round here we just flush down the loo.                     
Sewer workers, I've heard,                                  
Get paid time and a turd,                                   
But I wouldn't do it, would you?                            
                                                            
52533 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



Oh yeah sure, they say life is the top!                     
Have a dance and a waltz and a bop.                         
A sandwich of shit?                                         
And that?  That is it?                                      
What you say is that life is a plop!                        
                                                            
52534 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



I'm in bed.  There's a really good show.                    
But my eyes won't stay open.  Oh no!                        
In the a.m., it's one.                                      
I awake; my show's done.                                    
Just like life, the end I can't know.                       
                                                            
52535 PHILOS - ADVICE                Andrea Dietrich          



Who knows what the future may hold?                         
Dark seas you must cross and be bold.                       
If it fucks up, okay.                                       
If it doesn't Wey Hey!                                      
Have a laugh, pull some birds, now you're told.             
                                                            
52536 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



You can call out the sheriff and cop,                       
Have the posses ride hard till they drop;                   
Man's a son-of-a-bitch                                      
With a murderous itch,                                      
All the scratching on earth will not stop.                  
                                                            
52537 PHILOS - ADVICE                Warrick Elrod            



Do you think meditations on Buddha                          
Go better with beer or with Gouda.                          
And with peace and eclat,                                   
When I fancy a chat,                                        
Should I phone my Fadder or Muddah?                         
                                                            
52538 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



To procrastinate steals all your time,                      
Caution those who believe it's a crime.                     
Yet, it's often agreed                                      
That more hurry's less speed;                               
Not much reason, a whole lotta rhyme!                       
                                                            
52539 PHILOS - ADVICE                Anon                     



Must one really have something to say?                      
I do this for pleasure and play.                            
Why be rigid and stiff?                                     
Who cares, what's the diff?                                 
Don't just think black and white, ponder gray.              
                                                            
52540 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



In Lent, the kids are complaining:                          
No candy on which to be training.                           
Then an easter Choc spree                                   
Makes them sick -- which to me                              
Proves no good ever comes from abstaining.                  
                                                            
52541 PHILOS - ADVICE                Prof M-G           TP9802



Tomorrow becomes yesterday.                                 
Be able to look back and say,                               
"I surely had fun                                           
And got a lot done."                                        
Do not regret your life away.                               
                                                            
52542 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



By friends that you keep you are guaged;                    
Do not over words be enraged,                               
And avoid as a rule                                         
A dispute with a fool,                                      
Lest you find he is likewise engaged.                       
                                                            
52543 PHILOS - ADVICE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2586



If philosophy teaches one thing,                            
It's that people should do their own thing.                 
If you run out of gas,                                      
Forget that young lass,                                     
And don't get your ass in a sling.                          
                                                            
52544 PHILOS - ADVICE                Al Willis          TP9807



My friend, do not fret, you'll not find                     
The answers those seek, who are blind.                      
The sages all natter                                        
'Bout the start of all matter.                              
That arrangement had not you in mind.                       
                                                            
52545 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



My mind has not ever lacked learning                        
'Bout mysteries I know lots concerning.                     
But I learned very late                                     
Learning's ultimate fate...                                 
In the end 'scapes wisdom, still spurning.                  
                                                            
52546 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



Here's a query posed by Jake McFee,                         
"Is it possible for one to be                               
Hyperactive and slothful,                                   
Forgiving and wrathful,                                     
Shifty, shiftless, concomitantly?"                          
                                                            
52547 PHILOS - ADVICE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



Here common sense takes quite a beating,                    
And logic's a victim of cheating;                           
The pudding, not kiddin',                                   
Is not where it's hidden,                                   
The testing must lie in the EATING.                         
                                                            
52548 PHILOS - ADVICE                Norm Storer         P9410



What a painful reality, for sure;                           
You have to stop going with her --                          
This fact must be stated:                                   
Reality's over-rated!                                       
Fantasy is much better, dear sir!                           
                                                            
52549 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



A philosopher stood to proclaim:                            
"Not to make your own mark, is a shame.                     
Were it mind, or physique,                                  
Everyone is 'unique.'                                       
So, to differ, you need to be 'same.'"                      
                                                            
52550 PHILOS - ADVICE                Graig Gigol         P0205



I can't say who's right or who's wrong,                     
And I don't want to join or belong.                         
Since reason can show                                       
That we truely don't know;                                  
Till we do, can't we all get along?                         
                                                            
52551 PHILOS - ADVICE                                         



All our problems, the Stoics enlighten us,                  
Are the upshot of too much uptightness.                     
Let's stay placid, their pitch is,                          
Through life's high-points and hitches.                     
Don't let worldly things flatter or frighten us!            
                                                            
52552 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said an erudite sinologue, "How                             
Shall I try to describe to you, Tao?                        
It is come, it is go,                                       
It is yes, it is no,                                        
Yet it's neither -- you understand now?"                    
                                                            
52553 PHILOS - ADVICE                R. J. P. Hewison         



The experts in life are named They;                         
All truth is found in what They say.                        
I hope that one day                                         
They will go away,                                          
But damn, just how long will they stay?                     
                                                            
52554 PHILOS - ADVICE                Travis Brasell           



My whole life, They've been my guide;                       
They make the path where I stride.                          
Each step is subjected                                      
By what They directed;                                      
Just once They should let my steps slide.                   
                                                            
52555 PHILOS - ADVICE                Travis Brasell           



You know that They are after you;                           
There's nothing They will let you do.                       
They will come along                                        
To tell you you're wrong.                                   
You know what They say is all true.                         
                                                            
52556 PHILOS - ADVICE                Travis Brasell           



I wonder where They learned it all?                         
Do you think They ever will fall                            
And not know a thing?                                       
They should have a fling;                                   
What They need is to have a ball!                           
                                                            
52557 PHILOS - ADVICE                Travis Brasell           



I'll make this a wonderful day;                             
I'll do thing in my own damn way.                           
Though experts They be,                                     
I'm gonna be me;                                            
No more will I care when They say!                          
                                                            
52558 PHILOS - ADVICE                Travis Brasell           



If your success at first is denied,                         
Destroy all evidence that you tried.                        
May be conclusion                                           
Came with confusion,                                        
Attendant upon brain being fried.                           
                                                            
52559 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



Who hesitates is probably right;                            
You'd avoid precipitous fight,                              
If with poker group                                         
(And her is the scoop!)                                     
Never do clever card tricks, you wight!                     
                                                            
52560 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



While you may be alone for success,                         
Everyone sees you make a big mess,                          
And you seem alone                                          
As long as you drone,                                       
But slightest mistakae they address.                        
                                                            
52561 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



Why is it the harder the butter,                            
The softer the bread for my cutter?                         
Just as in the breach,                                      
If itch beyond reach,                                       
Grows intense, makes my eyelids flutter!                    
                                                            
52562 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



To steal from one is plagarism,                             
Nicholai Lobachevskyism,                                    
But steal from many,                                        
Ideas any,                                                  
That we regard through research prism.                      
                                                            
52563 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



Says the cynic when he's spinning,                          
"Two wrongs are only the beginning."                        
Two wrongs make not right fair,                             
But four rights go nowhere;                                 
That is where you meet yourself, grinning.                  
                                                            
52564 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



Perhaps you'd like with eagles to soar,                     
But find yourself here on the floor.                        
Just remember this,                                         
If great heights you miss,                                  
No weasel's sucked in jet engine roar.                      
                                                            
52565 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



Just as no good deed's unpunished,                          
One of life's truths is unvarnished:                        
After you need it most,                                     
Experience plays host;                                      
You see how halo get tarnished.                             
                                                            
52566 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



Here's a Newtonian witticism,                               
From "correctness" empiricism:                              
For every action,                                           
There is some faction --                                    
Equal and opposite criticism.                               
                                                            
52567 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



Our gene pool has problems enow,                            
But the greatest is, I here trow,                           
That in such a late day,                                    
We've no lifeguard to say,                                  
"You there, out of the gene pool, NOW!"                     
                                                            
52568 PHILOS - ADVICE                Daniel Ford              



I'm one always giving advice --                             
Some good, some not very nice --                            
But know that I speak                                       
With tongue in cheek --                                     
'Cause I've tried it all once or twice!                     
                                                            
52569 PHILOS - ADVICE                Kaylin                   



The world keeps on turning -- that's true.                  
It takes us along, me and you.                              
Though sometimes we're glad                                 
And sometimes we're sad,                                    
It won't change whatever we do.                             
                                                            
52570 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



Maybe that today it seems right                             
To voice our opinion -- we might                            
Find out we were wrong                                      
And chose a bad song,                                       
Thus find ourselves in a big plight.                        
                                                            
52571 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



Perhaps it ain't always real good,                          
To speak of the things that we should                       
Keep locked in our head                                     
Or take them to bed                                         
Or hide them out in some dark wood.                         
                                                            
52572 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



'Cause always opinions do hurt                              
Or make us sound slightly absurd,                           
To people who think                                         
Our ideas do stink,                                         
Accusing us to stir up dirt.                                
                                                            
52573 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



I just kicked myself off a group,                           
A really fine and funny troop,                              
'Cause my chattering mouth                                  
Spit it out, North and South,                               
My peace-loving politics poop.                              
                                                            
52574 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



Whenever someone comes along                                
And warbles a discordant song,                              
Seems only all right                                        
If a veteran might                                          
Point out to them where they were wrong.                    
                                                            
52575 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jeanie                   



The great swarming Internet masses                          
Are made up of several classes.                             
There's Left and Right Wing                                 
And I'm sure of one thing:                                  
There's some that can clearly be asses.                     
                                                            
52576 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jeanie                   



And yesterday, 'twas one of those                           
With a clear cut intent to oppose,                          
Who tangled with you.                                       
Eva, I tell you true --                                     
Your post received many bravos.                             
                                                            
52577 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jeanie                   



Your nerves are a little bit frayed,                        
But what you classify as a "tirade",                        
From here where I sit                                       
It seem to befit --                                         
All you did was call a spade a spade.                       
                                                            
52578 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jeanie                   



Your announcement has made me quite sad                     
And several others feel bad.                                
It won't be the same place                                  
Without your smiling face.                                  
Don't leave because of a nomad.                             
                                                            
52579 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jeanie                   



Take a break, if you must, but be sure                      
To return when you've taken the cure.                       
'Tis with love and concern                                  
That I bid you return --                                    
And that isn't just bovine manure!                          
                                                            
52580 PHILOS - ADVICE                Jeanie                   



Well, Jeanie, it's days now I think,                        
That I haven't slept a wee wink.                            
I'm cold and I'm sick;                                      
My head's like a brick.                                     
My sanity seems on the brink.                               
                                                            
52581 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



I wonder why 'twas such a shock                             
When the trolling one tried hard to rock                    
The boat we were rowing,                                    
While a strong wind was blowing.                            
I've been taken now to the dry dock.                        
                                                            
52582 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



This old velssel needs a repair;                            
A bit of fresh paint here and there.                        
New flag and new name,                                      
But no second flame                                         
With ladies like Mrs Contrair.                              
                                                            
52583 PHILOS - ADVICE                Eva Bekker               



Gone tomorrow, but yet here today,                          
And at most, it's not that long a stay.                     
Although dreams we fulfill,                                 
We might keep in mind still                                 
It's about "those we meet 'long the way."                   
                                                            
52584 PHILOS - ADVICE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



The Bigot, the Slave, and the Fool:                         
None guided by Reason's bright rule...                      
The Fool 'cause he cannot,                                  
The Slave 'cause he dare not,                               
The Bigot just will not, that ghoul.                        
                                                            
52585 PHILOS - ADVICE                Tutta Gioia              



If Velcro were used for a zipper,                           
And Baptists believed in Yom Kippur,                        
And all of the time                                         
We all spoke in rhyme,                                      
The world would be way much more hipper.                    
                                                            
52586 PHILOS - ADVICE                H Whelchel               



Life you must live to the limit;                            
Every day, every hour, every minute.                        
But in retrospect,                                          
It's fun to reflect                                         
How you thought you were important in it.                   
                                                            
52587 PHILOS - ADVICE                Frode S. Stringer        



Near the start of our life is pubescence,                   
Which begins the nest stage -- adolescence.                 
Then quickly senescence                                     
Creates obsolescence --                                     
And that, of man's life, is the essence.                    
                                                            
52588 PHILOS - ADVICE                Laurence Perrine    P8503



All the things of each natural kind, then,                  
Have an essence their form has assigned them.               
What this function proclaims                                
Is their natural aims:                                      
What they'd do should no circumstance bind them.            
                                                            
52589 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos       



There's one claim, then, that calls for no gripe:           
Things all do what's the rule for their Type.               
Or, if not, then they would,                                
If they possibly could,                                     
Just as soon as the time for it's ripe.                     
                                                            
52590 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos       



Thus bodies, when hurled into space,                        
Seek return to their "natural place";                       
And the fox, faced with rabbit,                             
Will give in to the habit                                   
Of eating it after the chase.                               
                                                            
52591 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos       



Well, some will insist that's just trite,                   
And not worth its own paper to write.                       
But despite all our biases,                                 
It's too bad -- that's all science is,                      
If the Aristotelians are right.                             
                                                            
52592 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos       



In any case, skipping all ballyhoo,                         
Let's just turn to their theory of Value.                   
Perhaps here's at least theory                              
That's somewhat less dreary.                                
(Even though it might still fail to wow you!)               
                                                            
52593 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos       



Unlike Plato, ones Good's overreaching's                    
Not a factor in this systems teachings.                     
Here's the truth, be it known,                              
Is "To each one its own"                                    
(Though each "one", it turns out, is a species).            
                                                            
52594 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos       



Thus while "good" has mere relative force,                  
It's the species that's always its source.                  
It's not relative, then,                                    
To mere women and men--                                     
But to Man (as opposed, say, to Horse).                     
                                                            
52595 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos       



I was brought up on old Aristotle,                          
And won't change a jit or a tottle,                         
And that's saying a lot,                                    
Not a jit, not a jot,                                       
I won't alter--no, no, I'll nottle.                         
                                                            
52596 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             C. S. Cook               



As we ponder his thinking's anatomy,                        
Let's recall what a genius he had to be:                    
Though he founded Lyceum,                                   
He got started by bein'                                     
Prize Pupil in Plato's Academy!                             
                                                            
52597 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos  P5111



Of contention, now, here's the first bone:                  
Do pure Forms have a realm all their own?                   
Here's the answer: they merely,                             
Save when wedded materially,                                
Exist only in minds where they're known.                    
                                                            
52598 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9511



And our minds?--Well, they're merely those factors          
That define us as rational actors.                          
So your mind--that's not you.                               
But some things that you do.                                
(Though you wouldn't be you if you lacked yours!)           
                                                            
52599 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9511



So while Plato would be disappointed,                       
I'm no psyche (as ancient Greeks coined it):                
I'm a mind-body whole,                                      
Not some hinde-bound old soul                               
Whose main wish is its hide never joined it.                
                                                            
52600 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9511



Trust, Pure Mind, insofar as I've got some,                 
Might survive though my body's mere flotsam.                
But for me--no survival                                     
Past the Reaper's arrival,                                  
No matter how bad I many want some!                         
                                                            
52601 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9511



Thus our souls (in their Reasoning fraction)                
May indeed be divine their action.                          
But a life after death?--                                   
Well, just don't hold your breath:                          
It's a drem that can't get satisfaction.                    
                                                            
52602 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9511



Though no Platonist greets this with chortles,              
Don't expect that you'll cross Pearly Portals!              
Go ahead and say "Darn it!"                                 
But by nature incarnate,                                    
We're essentially bound to be mortals.                      
                                                            
52603 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9511



Aristotle, a scholar so rare,                               
Thought so hard that he lost all his hair.                  
On his head and his chin                                    
Where the hair had once been --                             
Why, all you see now, is the glare.                         
                                                            
52604 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Neal Wilgus         P8311



That crafty old man Aristotle,                              
Took his friends to look at a bottle,                       
Saying, "Its causes are four,                               
No less and no more.                                        
Glass, shape, vintner, and drinking full throttle.          
                                                            
52605 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             L S Sprigge              



They say Aristotle was bright                               
And wisdom was always his plight.                           
If he so willed,                                            
Then could he build                                         
A ship in a bottle at night?                                
                                                            
52606 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Jim Weaver Collection    



As Aristotle, peripetetic,                                  
Exhibited motion kinetic,                                   
He induced mild nausea                                      
By coming right toward 'ya,                                 
Revolving with theories poetic.                             
                                                            
52607 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Bruce Schneider          



King Phillip a tutor he sought till                         
He finally chose Aristotle.                                 
"To my son disclose                                         
What ye know, he knows".                                    
And so Aristotle taught till.                               
                                                            
52608 PHILOS - ARISTOTLE             Irving Superior     P8308



Descartes, seeking what we could know,                      
Sought the point past which doubt wouldn't go.              
For he thought most men lacked                              
Proper means to tell fact                                   
From what ain't necessarily so.                             
                                                            
52609 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9306



Of the modes by which mankind cognizes,                     
He insisted on more than surmises.                          
So that's why he said,                                      
"If to Truth you'd be led,                                  
Don't assume what you see with your eyes, is!"              
                                                            
52610 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9306



While dreaming, indeed, in my bed,                          
All those visions might still fill my head.                 
(And in fact--Why not add it?--                             
What's to prove I've not "had it,"                          
And have long since been dreaming while dead?!")            
                                                            
52611 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9306



And while this doubt is strange, yet I fear it;             
Just suppose I'm beguiled by some spirit--                  
One so potent and ruthless,                                 
I'm condemned to live truthless,                            
Doomed to seek truth, but never get near it!                
                                                            
52612 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9306



There is, though, release from this jam.                    
For not all that I think can be sham.                       
(One who says this is dubious                               
Would just show what a boob he is!)                         
After all, if I'm doubting, I am!                           
                                                            
52613 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9306



Now perhaps this seems trivial--or nearly--                 
But in fact we should cherish it dearly.                    
For it helps us find out                                    
What's immune from all doubt:                               
It's whatever's "distinct" and seen "clearly."              
                                                            
52614 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9306



But among its most promising lessons,                       
All this doubting sheds light on my presence:               
While all else might be reverie,                            
Free of thinking I'll never be;                             
So it's Thought that comprises my essence.                  
                                                            
52615 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9306



Thus with body and mind in convention,                      
We have mental and brutish dimension.                       
But the latter's no prius                                   
When we know it to be us                                    
Through a clear and distinct apprehension.                  
                                                            
52616 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



Of course, if I want to speak strictly,                     
I can't posit the body too quickly.                         
To make sure it's for real,                                 
I've got first to reveal                                    
How I know that no spirit has tricked me.                   
                                                            
52617 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



You might think a hymn is worth humming,                    
Once you see how this rescue's forth coming.                
For it's God who's our savior,                              
And his own good behavior                                   
Is what saves us from doubt that is numbing.                
                                                            
52618 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



If I know that a God's in existence,                        
Hyperbolical doubt's met resistance:                        
If it's He who's my genesis,                                
Then my fear's found its nemesis,                           
And I'm freed from its nagging insistence.                  
                                                            
52619 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



To free us indeed from this vise,                           
Descartes moved not once but thrice.                        
For he proved in three ways                                 
We're protected all days                                    
By Someone, both potent--and nice!                          
                                                            
52620 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



Now to many, these tries to unchain us                      
Don't deserve all the time they detain us.                  
Some would say: Idle wishes--                               
It's a circle that's vicious,                               
And a logic that's patently heinous!                        
                                                            
52621 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



Without proof that it isn't Satanic,                        
How could logic erase sceptical panic?                      
Thus (to some) what comes first,                            
If your chains would be burst,                              
Must be something much more epiphanic.                      
                                                            
52622 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



But aside from the crowing indignance                       
Of the fear that our bodies are figments,                   
Yet it's still strictly true:                               
None of that's part of you.                                 
(After all, how could minds possess ligaments?)             
                                                            
52623 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



In any case, mind/body fusion                               
Can't be merely a hoax or illusion.                         
For if so, then our brains                                  
Wouldn't send all those pains,                              
When our limbs suffer cuts and contusion.                   
                                                            
52624 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9307



How to say, while they're two, and not single,              
Why the Self feels one's Skin itch and tingle?--            
Well the answer's at hand                                   
In the Pineal Gland,                                        
Where the mind and the brain intermingle.                   
                                                            
52625 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



The mind, standing guard at this station,                   
Feels mere brain-states convert to sensation.               
And, in turn, this position                                 
Is where nerves, through volition,                          
Move the limbs, as effects of mentation.                    
                                                            
52626 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



As for things in the animal section,                        
They've no need for such cause and effection:               
Mere machines--they're as psychical                         
As a clock or bicycle,                                      
Lacking minds to help give them direction.                  
                                                            
52627 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



(Even humans could walk down the street                     
Without spirits controlling their feet.                     
With pre-programmed controls,                               
They'd be blind to their goals--                            
Though they smile and say "Hi" when they meet)              
                                                            
52628 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



Now from bodies, if God lets it be,                         
We're of course each potentially free.                      
When He finds it congenial,                                 
I'll depart from my pineal,                                 
Since that's part of my body--not me.                       
                                                            
52629 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



Until then, I'll have no idea                               
What to hope for and what next to fear.                     
And who knows if, post mortem,                              
I'll just die of sheer boredom,                             
Lacking organs to see and to hear!                          
                                                            
52630 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



But even while tenured on earth,                            
One's innately provided from birth:                         
Were all food for thought                                   
Just what sense-data brought,                               
Human knowledge would be of no worth.                       
                                                            
52631 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



What's the essence of matter: Extension!                    
Hence mathematics must guide by prehension.                 
But ideas of this kind                                      
Only enter one's mind,                                      
With the help of some divine intervention.                  
                                                            
52632 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



Thus it's clear that, through sources empirical,            
I see nothing that's perfectly spherical.                   
Such conceptions must then                                  
First have entered my ken                                   
By a method not short of a miracle.                         
                                                            
52633 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



So there's no need to worry your head                       
That your life might be empty while dead.                   
If it's lacking the filling                                 
That would make it all thrilling,                           
You can contemplate Euclid instead!                         
                                                            
52634 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Lim Hist of Philos  P9308



"I am, thus I think," opined Les;                           
The poor boy was under some stress.                         
"That's not right."  A pause.                               
"I see now, of course.                                      
I'm putting the Cartes 'fore the Des."                      
                                                            
52635 PHILOS - DESCARTES                                      



"I don't give a hoot,' said a particle,                     
"If I can't have the definite article.                      
If cogito sum                                               
Pronounces my doom,                                         
To hell with all systems Descartesical.                     
                                                            
52636 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Conrad Aiken             



In school I went right to the source                        
Of philosophies and of discourse.                           
My counselor said "Son,                                     
You need only one                                           
More class -- take DesCartes for the course.                
                                                            
52637 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Jon Gearhart             



I think I am not going to pass;                             
So I'm not, that's the crux of this class.                  
The proof that Descartes                                    
Was just an old fart --                                     
Though I knew this, I still failed, alas.                   
                                                            
52638 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Jon Gearhart             



Is it true that a chap named Descartes                      
Saw a new metaphysical start,                               
Or could it just be                                         
That you, he and me                                         
Are your dream, you deluded old fart!                       
                                                            
52639 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Peter Wilkins            



Indeed it is all as you find:                               
Only down in the murk of my mind,                           
Do we three exist?                                          
And because I am pissed,                                    
We talk rot, as I'm sure you've opined.                     
                                                            
52640 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Peter Wilkins            



Dr. Johnson, when sober or pissed,                          
Could be frequently heard to insist,                        
Letting out a great fart:                                   
"Yes, I follow Decartes,                                    
I stink, therefore I exist!"                                
                                                            
52641 PHILOS - DESCARTES             A. Cinna                 



One day, a man of good cheer,                               
Asked Descartes if he wanted a beer.                        
What the man got                                            
Was "I think not",                                          
While he watched Descartes disappear!                       
                                                            
52642 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Bob Davies               



There was a great thinker, Decartes                         
Who was severely plagued by his farts.                      
When he had to lecture,                                     
His ass would conjecture,                                   
But boy! That fellow had smarts.                            
                                                            
52643 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Mr. Blister              



To a girl that he liked a whole lot,                        
Descartes gave the gist of his plot:                        
"I think, so I am,"                                         
To which this dear ma'am                                    
Said, "Hell No! I fucking think not!"                       
                                                            
52644 PHILOS - DESCARTES             MrMalo                   



Descartes sat down for a beer,                              
And a lady gave him a slight leer.                          
She grabbed for his dink,                                   
And he said, "I don't think..."                             
And promptly Descartes disappeared!                         
                                                            
52645 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Bluestreak               



When Descartes said, "Je pense, donc je suis."              
What he meant was, (I think you'll agree)                   
"My body's designed                                         
To signal my mind;                                          
I think that I have to go pee."                             
                                                            
52646 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Bluebird            P9812



About that strange death of Rene                            
Who, sans thinking, one day passed away:                    
Askd, "Want a cocotte?"                                     
He replied, "I think NOT!"                                  
And then, POOF, disappeared! So they say.                   
                                                            
52647 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Stu Lucas           P9703



Descartes sits down for some beers,                         
Between two chaps who are queers.                           
As one grabs his dink,                                      
He declares "I don't think..."                              
And promptly Rene disappears!                               
                                                            
52648 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Jim Weaver Collection    



"I doubt and therefore I might be,"                         
Is more modern, you have to agree...                        
In an age existential,                                      
Misgiving's essential,                                      
But bewildered us both, you and me.                         
                                                            
52649 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Tutta                    



Descartes woke one night and said, "Damn!                   
Sometimes I suspect I'm a sham.                             
For if I only think                                         
That I think, there's a kink,                               
For it means I just think that I am.                        
                                                            
52650 PHILOS - DESCARTES             A N Wilkins         P9412



A philosopher from France named Descartes                   
Scaled the heights of pure math and fine art.               
In the fullness of time                                     
His thoughts turned sublime,                                
Like, "I think so I am!" for a start.                       
                                                            
52651 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Mike O'Conner            



One night, when out for a beer,                             
Descartes was asked by a queer:                             
"Wanna bit on the side?"                                    
Young Rene replied:                                         
"I think not," and thus disappeared.                        
                                                            
52652 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Tiddy Ogg                



One fine day a man of good cheer,                           
Asked Descartes if he'd like a beer.                        
What the man got                                            
Was just "I think not";                                     
And he watched Descartes disappear.                         
                                                            
52653 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Anon                     



Said Rene Descartes, "As I feared,                          
This bawd doesn't like being reared."                       
When she offer her twat                                     
He replied, "I think not."                                  
At which point he just disappeared.                         
                                                            
52654 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Martin Wellborn     P8903



Descartes, he did not give a damn                           
'Bout opinions not proved; they're a sham.                  
Rene was a poet,                                            
And did readily show it,                                    
When he said, "I do think, so iamb."                        
                                                            
52655 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Ed Hexter                



A tyro philosopher named Quist                              
Was a Radical Idealist.                                     
Imagine his terror                                          
On finding the error                                        
In assuming "Il pense, donc j'existe!"                      
(he thinks not I think - McW)                               
52656 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Indiana Millwart         



When I think about what Descartes said,                     
You exist where you are in your head --                     
It is perfectly clear,                                      
That I'm not really here;                                   
I am inside your panties instead!                           
                                                            
52657 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Jim Weaver Collection    



'Twas said, "I think, therefore I am,"                      
And that could get you in a jam.                            
If on the off chance                                        
You are in my pants,                                        
I'll give your round head a good slam                       
                                                            
52658 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Jim Weaver Collection    



Renee had a sickly old Mum,                                 
Who gave birth to a brother quite dumb,                     
The schools threw him out                                   
For his great love of stout,                                
And "incognito <hic> ergo bum".                             
                                                            
52659 PHILOS - DESCARTES                                      



When Descartes was around, you could see                    
His opinions on life were to be,                            
Materialistic                                               
And not idealistic;                                         
So he gave us, "Je pense, donc je suis."                    
                                                            
52660 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Bluebird            P9812



Descartes was born in Touraine;                             
He had a mathematical brain.                                
Rene's downfall,                                            
If he had one at all,                                       
Was the liquid that's made from a grain.                    
                                                            
52661 PHILOS - DESCARTES                                      



Descartes to a tavern was drawn;                            
Took a table outside, on the lawn.                          
Said the serving wench, 'Dear,                              
Would you care for a beer?'                                 
'I think not.' And like that, he was gone.                  
                                                            
52662 PHILOS - DESCARTES                                      



There was a young student named Fred,                       
Who was questioned on Descartes and said:                   
"It's perfectly clear                                       
That I'm not really here,                                   
For I haven't a thought in my head."                        
                                                            
52663 PHILOS - DESCARTES             V. R Omerod              



The philosopher moped about, glum,                          
On account of his pecker was numb.                          
He found no solution,                                       
But reached this conclusion:                                
"Non coito, et, ergo, non sum."                             
                                                            
52664 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Robin K. Willoughby P8311



There was an old man called Dupree,                         
Who couldn't count higher than three.                       
He said, "Damn and God rot!                                 
It is plain I am not,                                       
Because si je pense, donc je suit."                         
(if I think, ????)                                          
52665 PHILOS - DESCARTES             R. I.                    



A philosopher once, named Descartes,                        
Was explaining himself to a tart.                           
"Since I think--I exist,"                                   
He remarked, as he pissed;                                  
"But what does it mean when I fart?"                        
                                                            
52666 PHILOS - DESCARTES                                 G1376



Irish philosopher Dustcarts                                 
Did once pronounce in between farts,                        
"My wonderful plan --                                       
I stink therefore I am!"                                    
A rip-off of Rene Descartes.                                
                                                            
52667 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Tony Burrell             



A French soldier known as Decartes                          
Said, "I hope that you've taken to heart,                   
That without a safe line                                    
To something divine,                                        
Each is stuck at his self engrossed start."                 
                                                            
52668 PHILOS - DESCARTES             L S Sprigge              



A sweet 'tater said, "Oh, yes ma'am.                        
I'm sentient, and don't give a damn.                        
You may think it's jive,                                    
But it's not; I'm alive!                                    
I think, and so therefore I yam.                            
                                                            
52669 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Kirk Miller              



A parched Descartes went for beering;                       
When the barkeep said, throat clearing,                     
"Like another shot?"                                        
Replied, "I think not!"                                     
And then he began disappearing.                             
                                                            
52670 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Daniel Ford              



A student who lived in Montmarte                            
Had studied more Descartes that Sartre.                     
He said, "What's essential                                  
Is not Existential,                                         
But "We think, and therefore we artre'."                    
                                                            
52671 PHILOS - DESCARTES             New Comic Limericks P8506



Every day, hermits Larry and Linc                           
Would debate what a hermit should think.                    
Paraphrasing Descartes,                                     
They'd agree at the start:                                  
"We undoubtedly are, for we stink."                         
                                                            
52672 PHILOS - DESCARTES             Cybergeezer              



Nothing's happy (in Nietzsche it's read)                    
With no more that its own daily bread.                      
Skipping "Can I?" and "Can't I?"s,                          
All things strive to aggrandize                             
And to get even further ahead.                              
                                                            
52673 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9407



From a monk to the merest mu-meson,                         
It's sheer will that each thing has its base on.            
Whether "dead" or quite quick,                              
That alone makes it tick                                    
And provides each's etre with raison.                       
                                                            
52674 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9407



Thus respecting the truth as our norm,                      
The Cartesians all need a reform.                           
But mere grammar's what's taught'm                          
"Where there's thoughts, something thought'm."              
So we're perfectly safe to ignore'm!"                       
                                                            
52675 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9407



In Fact, whether thoughts step on deck                      
Is a matter of will's call and beck.                        
Much is conscious, it's true.                               
But if so, it's all due                                     
To the forces below someone's neck.                         
                                                            
52676 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9407



Hence even the Schopenhauerians                             
Must fall short in their view of experience.                
For each thing that's alive                                 
Is a manifold drive.                                        
So their theory's not true (though it nearly is!)           
                                                            
52677 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9407



While it's rare that such truths are avowed,                
Each person is more like a crowd.                           
But don't look for democracy.                               
For each drive seeks autocracy                              
And won't rest till all others are cowed.                   
                                                            
52678 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9407



Thus all willing, despite variations,                       
Looks for more than mere manifestation.                     
While you swagger or cower,                                 
All your drives aim at power                                
And some share it in general inflation.                     
                                                            
52679 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9407



But while power's what all our drives seek,                 
Many are and remain always weak.                            
These have no respect due--                                 
Quite unlike select few,                                    
For whom power exceeds normal peak.                         
                                                            
52680 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9408



Yet others (And all their deeds show it!)                   
Have great strength in a form that's inchoate.              
All their acts, "Good" or "Evil,"                           
Involve such upheaval,                                      
They're less apt to succeed than to blow it.                
                                                            
52681 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9408



Still it's only by means of such passion                    
That we're freed from antique fad or fashion.               
Now that God is defunct,                                    
God-made "man" should be junked.                            
And those dangerous words: Adam smashin'!                   
                                                            
52682 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9408



From our cradles, still whining and puling,                 
We're subjected to outmoded schooling.                      
After heaven's demise,                                      
Here on earth let's get wise:                               
Good and Evil's my privileged ruling.                       
                                                            
52683 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9408



But destruction's not all that we need                      
When we're trying to shape a new breed:                     
Apostate, Apostle:                                          
One set free, one a fossil--                                
Either way, live your life by some creed!                   
                                                            
52684 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9408



We'll see Superman given a boost                            
When our powers are finally loosed.                         
But unless these get aimed                                  
Via values we've framed,                                    
It's still mass-man that's ruling the roost.                
                                                            
52685 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9408



While the fictional hero's escapist,                        
So one knows, yet, what Superman's shape is.                
But though Power's his "thing",                             
Don't infer, if he's king,                                  
That he'll just be a killer or rapist.                      
                                                            
52686 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9408



While he may not have typical graces,                       
Still he won't be a beast or papacious.                     
For he's (a) not one sided                                  
And (b) always guided                                       
By the future he sees as our race's.                        
                                                            
52687 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9409



Of course, don't be fooled, it's not a breeze               
To produce one or more of such prodigies.                   
It's a task that's enormous,                                
Since we're mostly conformists                              
And have wills even softer that cottage cheese.             
                                                            
52688 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9409



And the weak ones all feel trepidations                     
In the face of real strength's emanations.                  
For while they rule the world,                              
On their banner, unfurled,                                  
Will read: Power to all tepid nations!                      
                                                            
52689 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9409



If the power in question's through voting,                  
Then the weak might of course do some gloating.             
But mere strength that's from gangs                         
Is like sheep that grow fangs;                              
Still sheep, though they don a wolf's clothing.             
                                                            
52690 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9409



With the aid of the Word of Our Lord,                       
Earthly rule was usurped by this horde.                     
From year One (Anno Domini)                                 
What they preached was ignominy:                            
That the penitent's mightier than the sword!                
                                                            
52691 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9409



All the same let us hope, if not pray,                      
There's a chance for a new dawn of day.                     
Though he may be high-priced,                               
Let's all hail Antichrist.                                  
And we'll hope he can show us The Way.                      
                                                            
52692 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lim Hist of Philos  P9409



That sad fellow, Friedrich Nietzche,                        
Was once a fine classical teacher,                          
Till a voice in his head                                    
Told him God was now dead --                                
This became of his thought the chief feature.               
                                                            
52693 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             L S Sprigge              



"If you're aristocratic", said Nietzsche,                   
"It's thumbs up, you're O.K., Pleased to meet ye.           
If you're working-class bores,                              
It's thumbs down and up yours!                              
If you don't know your place, then I'll teach ye."          
                                                            
52694 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Gerry Hamill             



That miserable bloke Friedrich Nietzche                     
Had one most extrordinary feature.                          
He used it to pester                                        
A fat tart named Esther,                                    
But luckily, didn't quite reach her.                        
                                                            
52695 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Bill Wall                



My ergo sum prefix, "Cogito,"                               
was arrested and changed to "Burrito."                      
Thus I am what I eat,                                       
But I'll soon be a treat                                    
For some eager, to meet me, mosquito.                       
                                                            
52696 PHILOS - NIETZSCHE             Lawrence Berk            



A toper who spies in the distance,                          
Striped tigers, will get some assistance                    
From reading Decartes,                                      
Who holds that it's part                                    
Of his duty to doubt their existence.                       
                                                            
52697 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Leslie Johnson           



But if he's a student of Berkeley.                          
One thing will emerge, rather starkly,                      
That he ought to believe                                    
What his senses perceive,                                   
No matter how dimly or darkly.                              
                                                            
52698 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Leslie Johnson           



That skillful lens grinder Baruch                           
Said, "Nothing can happen by fluke,                         
For nothing is free                                         
From Nature's decree.                                       
Free will is just gobbledegook.                             
                                                            
52699 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



The philosopher Berkeley once said,                         
In the dark to a maid in his bed:                           
"No perception, my dear,                                    
Means I'm not really here,                                  
But only a thought in your head."                           
                                                            
52700 PHILOS - PEOPLE                P. W. R. Foot            



A philosopher, one Bishop Berkeley,                         
Once said, metaphysically, darkly,                          
"Quite half what we see                                     
Cannot possibly be,                                         
And the rest is altogether unlarkly!"                       
                                                            
52701 PHILOS - PEOPLE                R F Ashley-Montagu       



The Hegelian inclined Bosanquet,                            
Said, "It's really, you know, rather wet                    
To expect each finite chappy                                
To be well fed and happy,                                   
For the Absolute ain't in our debt.                         
                                                            
52702 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Said the soldierly mystic call Bradley,                     
"Please don't take my system too sadly.                     
It's really quite fun                                       
Thinking everthing's One.                                   
We should all feel unreal very gladly."                     
                                                            
52703 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



As Bradley is said to have said,                            
"If I think that I'm lying in bed                           
With this girl that I feel,                                 
And can touch, is it real;                                  
Or just going on in my head?"                               
                                                            
52704 PHILOS - PEOPLE                F H Bradley              



There was an old man of Nepal,                              
Couldn't get Chomsky's wavelength at all.                   
While Teilhard du Chardin                                   
Led him right up the jardin,                                
Levi-Strauss drove him straight up the wall.                
                                                            
52705 PHILOS - PEOPLE                                         



That somewhat stout Scot, David Hume,                       
Said, "This cosmos of ours has no room                      
For forces or powers.                                       
It's just hours and hours                                   
Of impressions, then ideas, till the tomb."                 
                                                            
52706 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Descartes was because he thought.                           
J S Mill for pleasure fought.                               
When it comes to philosophy,                                
What matters to you and me                                  
Is how to behave as we ought.                               
                                                            
52707 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Lynn Mostafa             



That rather unnerving chap, Hegel,                          
Tied us all to the view to inveigle                         
That pure Nothing and Being,                                
Far from not agreeing                                       
In becoming, are playboy and playgirl.                      
                                                            
52708 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Martin Heidegger said "Don't repine                         
If you don't quite catch what's my line.                    
You don't need much German                                  
To follow my sermon,                                        
As long as you know the word "Sein!"                        
                                                            
52709 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



His Critique of Pure Reason was good,                       
If not all that well understood.                            
Said Shiller to Hegel,                                      
While sharing a bagel,                                      
"If Immanuel Kant, who then could?"                         
                                                            
52710 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Ogni Gioa                



Said philosopher-physicist Jeans,                           
"How many or few are five beans?                            
Friend Einstein says four,                                  
Five, six, or more;                                         
But I don't bloody know what he means."                     
                                                            
52711 PHILOS - PEOPLE                R. C. Owen               



Such "logic," I'd say, starts with 'il,'                    
The chance that it's true is quite nil;                     
If true, it would stun                                      
Both Johnson and Donne,                                     
In fact, it would make them both ill.                       
                                                            
52712 PHILOS - PEOPLE                                         



That punctilious pedestrian Kant                            
Said "The realness of thought I must grant.                 
As for time and for space,                                  
You may laugh in my face,                                   
But call me genuinely real, I just shan't."                 
                                                            
52713 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Said noted philosopher Kant,                                
"I need a more sexual slant.                                
I've delved into monads                                     
But slighted my gonads --                                   
Three cheers for a fresh stimulant!"                        
                                                            
52714 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Armand E Singer       400



Long the dogmatic Kant was to doze                          
Till the day he encountered Hume's prose.                   
But that's mere correlation                                 
And no justification                                        
To conclude Hume's the cause that he rose.                  
                                                            
52715 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Graham Lester            



Of the garde, he was clearly avant,                         
Though with tendencies to rave and rant.                    
He retired for one season                                   
But critiquing pure reason,                                 
His cash flow said, "Immanuel, you Kant."                   
                                                            
52716 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



PHILOSOPHY, realm of deep thinkers,                         
Poets, and other hard drinkers,                             
And some, like Karl Marx,                                   
When up wrong tree barks,                                   
Provide some incredible stinkers.                           
                                                            
52717 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Chris Papa               



Let the eugenist reach for his gun!                         
Would Keats have been Keats if A1?                          
And the world better off                                    
With a healthy Van Gogh.                                    
And a clean-living, right-thinking Donne?                   
                                                            
52718 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Stanley J Sharpless      



That worldly-wise Gottfried Leibnez                         
Had most of the angels in fits,                             
When he said, "You external relations                       
Are just private sensations,                                
From one monad to 'tother, nowt flits."                     
                                                            
52719 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Said the Chinese philosopher, Lin,                          
"To trouble to work is a sin.                               
In bed I shall stay,                                        
And the toil of the day                                     
Will be finished before I begin."                           
                                                            
52720 PHILOS - PEOPLE                                         



There once was a tutor called Locke                         
Who said that the self's like a sock.                       
Thought the wool is quite new,                              
It's still really you,                                      
Because it's been darned without shock.                     
                                                            
52721 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



There was a young man of Thames-Ditton                      
Who found Sartre and Freud unbefittin'.                     
While Marcuse and McLuhan                                   
He felt were just doin'                                     
What's commonly known as bull-shittin'.                     
                                                            
52722 PHILOS - PEOPLE                                    G2530



A brain in a vat called Putnam,                             
Said "Perhaps this whole world's just a scam.               
Still my thoughts must refer                                
To their causes out there.                                  
What they are, I don't give a damn."                        
                                                            
52723 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



A hopeful old fellow called Rousseau.                       
Saw that man was not born bad, but grew so.                 
If you change his surrounding,                              
You'll find grace abounding.                                
You must turn the clock back to do so.                      
                                                            
52724 PHILOS - PEOPLE                John Fay                 



Said the famous philosopher, Russell,                       
"One can come without moving a muscle                       
When sufficiently blotto,                                   
Just watch Lady Otto-                                       
man's bum as it bursts from her bustle."                    
                                                            
52725 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Victor Gray              



That gloomy old sage, Schopenhauer,                         
Said, "There's much more nettle than flower."               
Nothing more he reviled                                     
Than the person who smiled                                  
And grieved not at Cosmic Will's power.                     
                                                            
52726 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Cries of "Blasphemy!" often are hurled                      
When Spinoza's ideas are unfurled.                          
He said: Only in thought                                    
Is God more than He's wrought;                              
So He's great -- but not out of this world.                 
                                                            
52727 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Jim Weaver Collection    



Biography's all about gloire,                               
Sensuality, money, pouvoir --                               
I am somewhat morose                                        
'Cause de Spinoza:                                          
It's always the same triste histoire!                       
(what do the frog words mean - McW)                         
52728 PHILOS - PEOPLE                E. Fox                   



When a man's too old even to toss off, he                   
Can sometimes be consoled by philosophy.                    
One frequently shows a                                      
Strong taste for Spinoza,                                   
When one's balls are beginning to ossify.                   
                                                            
52729 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Robert Conquest          



"It's the males should do housework in fact, chum,"         
My wife said, which took me aback some.                     
But I couldn't oppose her                                   
When she quoted Spinoza:                                    
"Even Nature's a whore if she vacuums."                     
                                                            
52730 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Don Moore           P9004



That temperate man, T H Green,                              
Said, "There's something divine but unseen,                 
Which spins the relations                                   
Which makes our sensations.                                 
A real world, if you see what I mean."                      
                                                            
52731 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Much more than his novelist brother,                        
William James believed in the other.                        
"The I and the You                                          
Are equally true,                                           
Though we start and we end in one Mother."                  
                                                            
52732 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Said Wittgenstein, "Don't be misled!                        
What can be shown, cannot be said."                         
He aimed to be sensible,                                    
Not incomprehensible,                                       
But wrote the Tractatus instead.                            
                                                            
52733 PHILOS - PEOPLE                Peter Alexander          



A weirdo yclept Wittgenstein                                
Called out, this whole word is "just mine."                 
But later he noted,                                         
That an ego so bloated,                                     
Had no room for mine or for thine.                          
                                                            
52734 PHILOS - PEOPLE                L S Sprigge              



Please don't think, though, if that's Platonistic,          
Life's made drabber than faded old lipstick.                
On Plato's itinerary,                                       
Mere Logic's preliminary:                                   
So once passed, we can still play the mystic.               
                                                            
52735 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



To hear Platonists spiel the oration,                       
Things all strive for amelioration.                         
But the Good yields direction                               
That's still short of perfection,                           
When it's seen through the veil of sensation.               
                                                            
52736 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



Still, philosophers shouldn't just stare,                   
Once the Good's seen all naked and bare.                    
Since (not dead) they're still human,                       
They should use their acumen                                
To take charge of Society's care.                           
                                                            
52737 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



The view for which Plato's renowned--                       
The Philosophers all should be crowned                      
The Philosopher-King:                                       
What a wonderful thing!                                     
(If they only would stay on the ground!)                    
                                                            
52738 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



In fact, though there's bound to be pain,                   
Coming back to mere shadows again.                          
So why seek the "cave",                                     
And remain till their grave,                                
Once they've been in that higher domain?                    
                                                            
52739 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



The answer, so goes Plato's wisdom,                         
Is found in a circular system.                              
If they're bred by society,                                 
Then there's perfect propriety                              
In our claiming the right to enlist 'em.                    
                                                            
52740 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



For Plato, society's plan                                   
Picks one path for each woman or man.                       
If your wishes are contrary,                                
You'll get what you want rarely;                            
What you'll do is just what you best can.                   
                                                            
52741 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



To be sure, though, it's mere prolegomenon,                 
There's some Good in each natural phenomenon.               
But that's only a clue,                                     
And of course wouldn't do                                   
When we're trying to turn a real Brahman on.                
(prolegomenon - critical introduction)                      
52742 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



Well, let's hope to give Plato some flak,                   
That he's at least been there and back.                     
For, if not, who's to rule                                  
In that very first school,                                  
Where we're told what we have or we lack?!                  
                                                            
52743 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



In any case, kudos are due                                  
To this thinker who thinks as few do.                       
Whatever his merit,                                         
At least he's no parrot,                                    
And what's more, gives us crackers to chew.                 
                                                            
52744 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos       



Plato said, "Getting children is right.                     
It's a duty a man must not slight.                          
But as for a measure                                        
Of sexual pleasure,                                         
It's the boys every night for delight."                     
                                                            
52745 PHILOS - PLATO                 A. N. Wilkins       P9210



"Something is, or is not--there's no median:                
Simple falsehood!" said Plato , Athenian.                   
When a man spouts this dictum,                              
We're forced to evict him:                                  
Let's just kick him right off the procenium.                
                                                            
52746 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9310



In the book of which Plato's authorial,                     
True Being is quite incorporeal.                            
But while matter falls short                                
Of what's actual 'tout court',                              
It's not null, but at least somehwat more real.             
                                                            
52747 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9310



Thus "Being admits of degrees"                              
Was among the Platonic decrees.                             
What mere sense makes apparent                              
At most has a share in't;                                   
But it's never as real as you please.                       
                                                            
52748 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9310



What's more real, on the Platonist's menu,                  
Has its home in a more heavenly venue.                      
Only starts in this firmament                               
Lend a meaning that's permanent                             
To whatever sensations might send you.                      
                                                            
52749 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9310



Thus consider, for clarity's sake,                          
Shaping rings, and the shape they can take;                 
What we've made is material,                                
But their shape--that's ethereal--                          
Since it's rings, not their shape, humans make.             
                                                            
52750 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9310



On the theory that Plato deployed,                          
In itself, all of matter's mere Void.                       
When there's more that we're seeing:                        
That's its brush with Real Being--                          
Which affects it, yet stays unalloyed.                      
                                                            
52751 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9310



Whether most will agree, then--or few will-                 
All of matter is basically dual.                            
But now what about us,                                      
Who can know thing are thus--                               
What are we on Platonic construal?                          
                                                            
52752 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9310



We're mere prisoners; our bodies are cells--                
Fell from Heaven, yet why no one tells.                     
Only one thing is sure:                                     
If our lives have been pure,                                
We'll go home after hearing death's knells.                 
                                                            
52753 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



But for most--maybe eight out of nine--                     
Merely sensual living seems fine.                           
What they maybe don't know                                  
Is that, after they go,                                     
They're just apt to come back as mere swine.                
                                                            
52754 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



Only love for Platonic Ideals:                              
By its nature, that's all a soul feels.                     
But once it's been jailed,                                  
It's of course soon assailed                                
By a gang of less lofty appeals.                            
                                                            
52755 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



Thus a soul, somewhat fallen and blighted,                  
Might let more than one inpetus guide it.                   
To seek Wisdom's just one--                                 
But now Fame, and sheer Fun,                                
Join the list of the things that excite it.                 
                                                            
52756 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



Still, for those who'd regain their high station,           
There's just one way--that's ratiocination:                 
If we let more attract us                                   
Than rational practice,                                     
We'll be bumped from return aviation.                       
                                                            
52757 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



On the other hand--no point denying,                        
It takes time to get ready for flying:                      
Though to say it's to rue it,                               
There are few who can do it                                 
Without several times living and dying.                     
                                                            
52758 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



In any case, journey's inception                            
Is the data received through perception.                    
But that's only a start, of course,                         
Since our aim is to chart a course                          
To the Forms of which they're a reflection.                 
                                                            
52759 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



From the very first things we cognize,                      
We'll perceive how our souls start to rise.                 
But we'll soon start to sink                                
If, instead of to think.                                    
We're content when we're feasting our eyes.                 
                                                            
52760 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9311



Our senses at most should remind us                         
Of a vision of Truth far behind us.                         
But were we more keen                                       
Just on "making the scene,"                                 
The whatever we've seen, will just blind us.                
                                                            
52761 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9312



Thus salvation from earthly confinements                    
Needs more study of Reason's refinements.                   
To reach heavenly altitude?                                 
Only those will learn how to do't                           
Who "get off" on their Logic assignments.                   
                                                            
52762 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9312



It's the Good--on the way Plato told it--                   
That's the Source from which Truth is unfolded.             
But as source of all light,                                 
In itself, its too bright                                   
To let all but a handful behold it.                         
                                                            
52763 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9312



Thus testing will give indication                           
Of the ones bound for high education.                       
The rest are then routed,                                   
Insofar as they're suited,                                  
To (a) Army (b) skilled vocation.                           
                                                            
52764 PHILOS - PLATO                 Lim Hist of Philos  P9401



A little known fact about Plato,                            
He invented the concept of NATO;                            
The Swiss Army Knife;                                       
The inflatable wife;                                        
And the trouserless jacket potato.                          
                                                            
52765 PHILOS - PLATO                 Bill Wall                



Said Plato, "The things that we feel                        
Are not ontologically real,                                 
But just the excrescence                                    
Of numinous essence,                                        
Our senses can never reveal."                               
(ontological - being or existence)                          
52766 PHILOS - PLATO                 Basil Ransome-Davies     



There once was a thinker called Plato,                      
Who said "this our world's second rate-oh.                  
It is just a poor copy                                      
Of something less sloppy,                                   
Where all is precise and first rate-oh.                     
                                                            
52767 PHILOS - PLATO                 L S Sprigge              



A young scholar now takes the position                      
That Plato-despite what tradition                           
And philosophers claim--                                    
Received his nickname                                       
Because of his wooden dentition.                            
                                                            
52768 PHILOS - PLATO                 A. N. Wilkins       P9302



"Be yourself" is advice given gratis.                       
Those who scorn it, you'd think mad as hatters.             
But the goal that's been preached                           
Couldn't even be reached                                    
By the maker that some think, begat us.                     
                                                            
52769 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9402



When god's worshipped as personal spirit,                   
Then religion's in fact incoherent.                         
For while concepts of deity                                 
Imply their ipseity,                 (individual identity)  
Nothing personal ever gets near it.                         
                                                            
52770 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9402



Those aware what the Sartrian scheme is,                    
Thus may find that it's somewhat extremist.                 
While Faith is abjured                                      
On the ground God's absurd,                                 
Still to be Him's what everyone's dream is.                 
                                                            
52771 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9402



Now denying we are what we are                              
Might seem more than a little bizarre.                      
Yet, the proud and conceited                                
Will always get cheated:                                    
Their self-love's always love from afar.                    
                                                            
52772 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9402



Be you friends, then, of bodies or souls,                   
Where you fit's in the same pigeon-holes.                   
Say we're body or mind:                                     
Your mistake's one in kind.                                 
For no person's a-being; they're goals.                     
                                                            
52773 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9402



Undeniably, a body's one facet,                             
But not all we can count as our asset.                      
Still, it's not in the right key                            
To think of one's psyche                                    
As a Cartesian Ego that "has" it.                           
                                                            
52774 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9402



The psychical side of our coin                              
Is just choices of where we'd be going.                     
But the logic's a loser                                     
That says choice needs a chooser,                           
So that my going's really Ego-ing.                          
                                                            
52775 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9402



When I say that it's I who've intended,                     
I'm acknowledging history transcended.                      
(In a sense that's just "me",                               
But it's something I flee                                   
By conceding that time hasn't ended.)                       
                                                            
52776 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



While "I am" in the form of my past,                        
Yet I'm not, since that's something surpassed.              
Thus the fatal deterrent                                    
To just being current                                       
Is that Now disappears so damned fast.                      
                                                            
52777 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



In the Church-of-What's-Happening-Now,                      
All you'll worship's a dead sacred cow.                     
For it's harder to sever                                    
Yet-to-come/gone-forever                                    
Than to pull Ying from Yang in the Tao.                     
                                                            
52778 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



So while those in Bad Faith may all fuss,                   
There's nothing that makes all of us.                       
If your faith's got true purity,                            
Look for me in futurity!                                    
For it's never I am but: just was.                          
                                                            
52779 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



Though the title implies derogation,                        
Bad Faith isn't mere fabrication.                           
If a lie, it's so common                                    
Even bishop and brahman                                     
Escape on at most rare occasion.                            
                                                            
52780 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



Bad faith tries in ways more than one                       
To find Being where there's really none.                    
Thus while granting it's true                               
That we are what we do,                                     
Some pretend that they are what they've done.               
                                                            
52781 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



(But the source of Bad Faith and its sham                   
Isn't always what's over the dam.                           
For not resting on laurels,                                 
I'd be still out for quarrels                               
If I claimed there's some "I" that I am.)                   
                                                            
52782 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



Thus Bad Faith, despite all its gainsaying,                 
Takes for Being what's really just Playing.                 
In the words of one sage:                                   
Life's just roles on a stage--                              
From your youth to when temples are graying.                
                                                            
52783 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9403



Still, don't think, once you finally are grayed,            
You can rest, since your dues are then paid.                
For remember this fact,                                     
From the first to last act,                                 
You're no player; you're just a role played.                
                                                            
52784 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9404



From cool planning to maiden aunt's manias,                 
All our lives are thus really spontaneous.                  
Since no Self stands behind them,                           
There's no substance to bind them.                          
We're more mutable that even Lon Chaney is!                 
                                                            
52785 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9404



And so why, as you ask with propriety,                      
Is there so much Bad Faith in society?                      
Sartre's reply, if we heed him,                             
Is fear of our freedom:                                     
When Bad Faith says Goodby--Hi, Anxiety!                    
                                                            
52786 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9404



Thus the age of commitment's paralysis                      
Sees Jung's archetypes and Freudian Phalluses.              
To self-choice the response is                              
"Let's blame the unconscious!"                              
If you're anxious, try psychoanalysis.                      
                                                            
52787 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9404



But such theories, however exotic,                          
Can't explain either saint or psychotic.                    
For to say what we did                                      
Is the work of our id,                                      
Is to say something quite id-iotic.                         
                                                            
52788 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9404



An act's purpose is never laid bare,                        
Through a goal of which it's unaware.                       
To say these action's goals                                 
Aren't in these but in those,                               
Is like dying your roots, not the hair.                     
                                                            
52789 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of Philos  P9404



So for minds that have Sartiran bents,                      
Such advice is worth less than ten cents.                   
The main flaw in such "shrinks,"                            
As the Sartrian thinks                                      
Is you'll never get Whither from Whence!                    
                                                            
52790 PHILOS - SARTRE                Lim Hist of philos  P9404



An artist who lived near Montmartre,                        
Made imporper suggestions to Sartre.                        
But Sartre, with a blow,                                    
At his hanging huis clos,                                   
Cut his two existentials apart.                             
                                                            
52791 PHILOS - SARTRE                Sir John Waller          



A man in a cafe called Sartre                               
Gave the other chaps there quite a start,                   
By looking around                                           
For someone not to be found,                                
But whose absence still haunted Montmartre.                 
                                                            
52792 PHILOS - SARTRE                L S Sprigge              



We all place a great deal of reliance                       
On the THEORY AND PRACTICE of science,                      
But the hopeful intentions                                  
Of so many inventions                                       
Can be quite buggered up in appliance.                      
                                                            
52793 PHILOS - SCIENCE               E O Parrot               



This "How to Hug" title sounds great!                       
I'll buy it," said Katie.  "No wait!"                       
Said bookseller Bart.                                       
"I can't sell you a part                                    
Of an encyclopedia, Kate."                                  
                                                            
52794 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Peter Wilkins            



The story you told us above,                                
Occurred, too, to Lydia Dove.                               
She picked up a tome                                        
She wished to take home,                                    
The title it read: Learn to Love                            
                                                            
52795 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Tiddy Ogg                



"To Archie and Murph," said Mahalia,                        
"I've found a book that I'll soon mail ya'.                 
I'm sure, in a flash,                                       
You'll be rolling in cash.                                  
The title is: Aid to Australia!"                            
                                                            
52796 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Observer                 



But did you hear about Beth?                                
She learned to love her old Seth.                           
Although he was old,                                        
She really was bold                                         
For she taught him Dancing to Death.                        
                                                            
52797 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Bridget                  



Solving problems can be such a fright.                      
The answer can be wrong or right.                           
Defying tradition,                                          
I changed my position                                       
And I find that the end is in sight.                        
                                                            
52798 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Tom Patton          P0108



Man's habits must alter, methinks;                          
He's treading on dangerous brinks.                          
He must exercise care                                       
Not to foul up the air,                                     
Or to piss in the water he drinks.                          
                                                            
52799 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2705



Some men are renowned for their wonders                     
And others well know for their plunders.                    
And some stand apart                                        
For their fine works of art,                                
While some have gained fame for their blunders.             
                                                            
52800 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2841



A goddess capricious is Fame.                               
You may strive to make noted your name.                     
But she either neglects you                                 
Or cooly selects you                                        
For laurels distinct from your aim!                         
                                                            
52801 PHILOS - SCIENCE               L. Reed                  



Complex-problems solving is tough,                          
Good will, effort is not enough,                            
But formality                                               
Tracks stupidity,                                           
And forbids designers to bluff.                             
                                                            
52802 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Thierry Cattel           



In History's Mysteries vast,                                
The present's as strange as the past.                       
But before you condemn                                      
Remember - pro tem,                                         
You are also one of the cast.                               
                                                            
52803 PHILOS - SCIENCE               E O Parrot               



Though Sir James (God-Is-A-Formula) Jeans,                  
Holds the view that the stars are machines.                 
He admits that behind                                       
The machine is a Mind,                                      
Or a Minder apparelled in Jeans?                            
                                                            
52804 PHILOS - SCIENCE               R. J. P. Hewison         



Us scientists all work together,                            
Comprehending all things, high and nether.                  
Our ability grows                                           
To crack the cosmos,                                        
As is proved by our mastery of weather.                     
                                                            
52805 PHILOS - SCIENCE               John Miller 0364b        



The World, some are saying, began                           
Without any purpose or plan.                                
Nature never was led,                                       
But just blundered ahead,                                   
And reasoned things out as she ran.                         
                                                            
52806 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Thomas Thorneley         



There once was a scathing review,                           
Which blasted the work through and through.                 
It said that what's true                                    
Is clearly not new,                                         
And what's new is most surely not true.                     
                                                            
52807 PHILOS - SCIENCE               David Morin et al        



The latest religion is SCIENCE,                             
On which we place utmost reliance.                          
All thoughts of our seers                                   
Are reviewed by our peers.                                  
No one dares bring up facts in defiance!                    
                                                            
52808 PHILOS - SCIENCE               John Miller 0364a        



To publish first is prime;                                  
This thought is often a crime.                              
When egos come first,                                       
Watch out for the worst,                                    
For the truth is often sublime.                             
                                                            
52809 PHILOS - SCIENCE                                        



The scientist, Hermann von Twist,                           
In his lab at his work would persist.                       
He boldly declared                                          
He had answers prepared                                     
To solve problems which did not exist.                      
                                                            
52810 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2824



Practice without theory is blind;                           
Theory without practice isn't mind.                         
Take the best of each,                                      
You will become rich,                                       
And solve difficulties of any kind.                         
                                                            
52811 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Thierry Cattel           



This study's for science, you see.                          
It's not just to benefit me!                                
Results I will post                                         
With some website host,                                     
For all to make use of, for free.                           
                                                            
52812 PHILOS - SCIENCE                                        



To avoid being trapped by a spoof,                          
A man must seek adequate proof                              
To be certain the broth                                     
Is composed of whole cloth;                                 
He must needs know the warp from the woof.                  
                                                            
52813 PHILOS - SCIENCE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2802



Socrates asked, "Why, pray, should I die,                   
I'm no great beam nor mote in your eye?"                    
Replied his tormentors,                                     
Resenters, dissenters,                                      
"It's those damned endless questions, that's why."          
                                                            
52814 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



"Don't drink!" they told Socrates,                          
"Escape with your wife overseas!"                           
"Hemlock or wedlock,"                                       
He said, "is a deadlock --                                  
I'll have one for the road, if you please."                 
                                                            
52815 PHILOS - SOCRATES              History Pun Chimera P0108



The method we know as Socratic                              
Was invented in Socrates' Attic.                            
It combines a pretense                                      
Of naive innocence                                          
With questions sly and dramatic.                            
                                                            
52816 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Laurence Perrine    P9211



Old Socrates made an impression                             
With debate and sagacious expression.                       
He did not corrupt youth,                                   
While he searched for the truth.                            
It was the world's oldest bull session.                     
                                                            
52817 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Al Willis          TP9802



And then they heard Socrates cry,                           
"This hemlock tastes too much like lye.                     
Why can't it be                                             
The maple tree,                                             
And then how sweet 'twould be to die."                      
                                                            
52818 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Irving Superior     P8205



They say Socrates knew quite a bit                          
And was finally jailed for his wit.                         
But that myth's for the birds.                              
Check his actual last words:                                
"You mean hemlock is poison? Oh Shit!"                      
                                                            
52819 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Don Moore           P9401



Said Socrates, keeping his poise,                           
"Tell Xanthippe, I've done with her noise.                  
If she asks what you mean,                                  
Just say, when last seen,                                   
I was drinking with some of the boys."                      
                                                            
52820 PHILOS - SOCRATES              John Ciardi              



Despite all that Socrates noise                             
And the trial tale that Plato employs,                      
He corrupted the youth,                                     
Not by telling the truth,                                   
But chiefly by buggering boys.                              
                                                            
52821 PHILOS - SOCRATES              A. N. Wilkins       P8909



It seems Socrates made people weary                         
With his fondness for quibbling and query.                  
After asking "What's virtue?"                               
Step by step, he'd discourage you,                          
By refuting your favorite theory.                           
                                                            
52822 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Lim Hist of Philos  P9309



Since negation apparently thrilled him,                     
As a nihilist many had billed him.                          
"By so questioning truth,                                   
You've corrupted our youth!"                                
They then passed the hemlock that killed him.               
                                                            
52823 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Lim Hist of Philos  P9309



Because wisdom's not easy to master,                        
His pursuit thus expired in disaster.                       
How much "Wiser the Sophists,                               
Who for reasonable profits,                                 
Could provide it a hundred times faster!                    
                                                            
52824 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Lim Hist of Philos  P9309



Still, through Plato's (his pupil) survival,                
His ideas were assured a revival.                           
They were right for their time,                             
But his countrymen's crime                                  
Simply made them postpone their arrival.                    
                                                            
52825 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Lim Hist of Philos  P9309



Said Socrates, while in his cell,                           
"I drank it and I don't feel well.                          
If I may opine,                                             
It tasted like wine.                                        
The hemlock I cannot expel.                                 
                                                            
52826 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Al Willis           P9710



The great Greek philosopher Socrates,                       
Pondered deeply on how the world rotates.                   
But his work came to naught,                                
Because most of man's thought                               
Originates in his macho nates.                              
                                                            
52827 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Arthur Deex         P0108



I once knew a gal Phyllis Sophical                          
Who lived in a region quite tropical.                       
She'd often reflect                                         
On how Socratic                                             
Observations today are still topical.                       
                                                            
52828 PHILOS - SOCRATES                                       



Who's wish to be wed to Xanthippe?                          
When Socrates took his last sip, he                         
Died slowly, feet first,                                    
After which his wife cursed,                                
And remarked that her husband was dippy.                    
                                                            
52829 PHILOS - SOCRATES              Nicholas Goodison   P9709



Lady Heloise took, as her suitor,                           
Peter Abelard, scholar and tutor.                           
But her nasty old uncle                                     
Made him live like a monk will,                             
By changing his gender to neuter.                           
                                                            
52830 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9305



So this tragic logician and poet                            
Loved the lady, but had to forego it.                       
For her family made haste                                   
To unfasted his waist                                       
And cut short what he carried below it.                     
                                                            
52831 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9305



(Yes I know!--though I chose to append him--                
Such details aren't my proper agendum.                      
What should interest us, finally,                           
As one's vies doctrinally,                                  
Not the fate that befalls his pudendum.                     
                                                            
52832 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9305



As for doctrines this thinker brought forward,              
In their day, they were hardly ignored.                     
But although it's no crime                                  
To commit them to rhyme,                                    
If I did so, I'm sure you'd be bored.                       
                                                            
52833 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9305



Not too far from Miletus by birth,                          
He found Athens of somewhat more worth.                     
Or at least that's his attitude,                            
Till expelled, with ingratitude,                            
For saying the moon's made of earth.                        
                                                            
52834 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9503



Not just four now, but ever so many!--                      
Thus the man from the town of Clazomenae.                   
And no portions you find                                    
Lacks for some of each kind:                                
Want some gold? Well, there's some in each penny!           
                                                            
52835 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9503



Thus let's not--to give pause for a minute--                
How his thought has a flaw to begin it:                     
Each natural item                                           
Splits ad infinitum.                                        
So he thought each has everything in it.                    
                                                            
52836 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9503



Anaxagoras then, had supposed                               
What things "are" is just what they are most.               
Would you call a thing such?                                
It depends on how much.                                     
(Otherwise, your whole meal's in your toast!)               
                                                            
52837 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9503



To be fair, though, he'd also maintain,                     
Not all being is quite this mundane.                        
For who'd dare be so blind                                  
As to think Cosmic Mind                                     
Could exist on so tawdry a plane?!                          
                                                            
52838 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9503



So far as we know this man textually,                       
Cosmic Mind does its work intellectually.                   
He found Sicily's mystic                                    
Too physicalistic,                                          
When he viewed it as functionally sexually!                 
                                                            
52839 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9503



To this thinker, were water ubiquitous,                     
Cosmic law would be wholly iniquitous.                      
Whether hotter or cooler,                                   
If water's the ruler,                                       
There'd be nowhere that isn't where liquid is.              
                                                            
52840 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



Unless cosmic injustice is gross,                           
There's a source from which everything flows.               
So it's not only prior                                      
To earth, wind, and fire,                                   
But more basic than pure H2O is!                            
                                                            
52841 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



Well what's that, I might ask, if not air?                  
(After all, as you'll grant, it's quite bare!)              
And what doesn't seem airy?                                 
That's just how it would vary                               
When it's made either denser or rare.                       
                                                            
52842 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



So the Water that Thales as bound to:                       
What in fact does it really amount to?                      
It's just air we decree,                                    
But of different degree.                                    
For that's all in the end it boils down to.                 
                                                            
52843 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



Water, Air, or whatever the rage is--                       
Here's a truth that's survived through the ages:            
Don't just ask "What's it made of!"                         
But become quantitative,                                    
And attack it with rulers and guages.                       
                                                            
52844 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



On the world-view these thinkers acknowledged,              
All internal distinction abolished.                         
Throughout the world's areas,                               
Only two thing are various:                                 
A thing's size, and how smoothly it's polished.             
                                                            
52845 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9504



What are "things" then?--the Atomists quiz you.             
There no question more suited to busy you!                  
Well, to answer the riddle:                                 
They're all hard and quite little.                          
And whirling so fast it would dizzy you.                    
                                                            
52846 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9504



For the Atomists--should we go back to 'm--                 
There's just 'atoms' surrounded by vacuum.                  
What they're made of, you query us?                         
That remains quite mysterious:                              
They alone are what seemed to be fact to 'm.                
                                                            
52847 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9504



Thus the Atomist's favorite theme:                          
Things are never the same as they seem.                     
Be they smooth or more spiny,                               
Since they're all very tiny,                                
Human eyes aren't permitted to see 'm.                      
                                                            
52848 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9504



As for "fact", when our senses inform us,                   
The distortion's no less than enormous.                     
For what's seen's (per this wisdom)                         
Just our own nervous system,                                
After hordes of those little things storm us.               
                                                            
52849 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9504



A mystical poet from Sicily,                                
He gave science romantic simplicity:                        
Earth, air, fire, and water                                 
Formed his natural order.                                   
Love and Hate kept them moving unceasingly.                 
                                                            
52850 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9502



So (dispensing with hollow amenities),                      
There's some error espoused by Parmenides.                  
Though our basis is static,                                 
Still it's not Eleatic.                                     
For it moves to form countless identities.                  
                                                            
52851 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9502



Though their action's in general concommitant,              
Cosmic cycles have one force that's dominant.               
Through pure Hate, natural articles                         
Tend to burst into particles.                               
Through pure Love, general merger is prominent.             
                                                            
52852 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9502



Time alone, though, gives grounds to maintain               
Whether Loving or Hate's on the wane.                       
Are we heading toward fusion                                
Or complete dissolution?                                    
Never mind, it'll all come again.                           
                                                            
52853 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9502



Were we awed by what struck Heraclitus,                     
We'd have movement and flux to excite us.                   
Life's a stream not stepped twice in,                       
Is a thought that's enticing',                              
Just like "Fish in it never twice bite us!"                 
                                                            
52854 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9412



Wherever we're stationed or quartered,                      
We can see that the world is well-ordered.                  
But the form one admires                                    
Is much like a fire's.                                      
That strike something more evely bordered                   
                                                            
52855 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9412



Thus our logic may lack the perfectitude                    
That Pythagoras proffered as rectitude.                     
But at least I"m not lowly,                                 
Eating past'a fagioli,                                      
Nor are sexual stigmas connected to it.                     
                                                            
52856 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9412



What is truth? queried Pilate in jest.                      
Is it one, say, North, South, East and West?                
Now in answer to Pontius,                                   
William James makes us conscious                            
It's whatever works out for the best.                       
                                                            
52857 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9405



Some say knowledge is finally perfected                     
When our thoughts and "the facts" are connected.            
But what's fact to this faction                             
But some thought's satisfaction?                            
If it's more, after all, who'd detect it?                   
                                                            
52858 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9405



Still, if pragmatist's ways are victorious,                 
Don't suppose that mere dreaming's made glorious.           
Lacking practical differences,                              
Any thinker's bald inferences                               
Would at most just comfirm what a bore he is!               
                                                            
52859 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9405



Thus this theory, assuming you buy it,                      
Says you make a thought true as you try it.                 
So don't live like a hermit:                                
Got a thought?--Then confirm it!                            
There's no truth in ideas that stay quiet.                  
                                                            
52860 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9405



Is there God, or a Heavenly firmament?                      
Are there values in life that stay permanent?               
There's just one sure criterion                             
To base any such theory on:                                 
How's one's life to be changed by affirmin' it?             
                                                            
52861 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9405



Whether science or mystical cult,                           
Here's a truth, then, as pragmatists cull it.               
Don't prejudge--all that gets you is                        
The name Impetuous.                                         
Simply try it, and check the result!                        
                                                            
52862 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9405



The famous philosopher, Kant,                               
Said, "Why when I run, do I pant?                           
I fear 'twould be treason                                   
To my Critique of Reason                                    
To think I'm unfit, so I shan't."                           
                                                            
52863 PHILOS - ZSERIES               C. S. Cook               



An example of Kant's sterling wit                           
Was his theory that farts could be lit,                     
And it's said that all night                                
By the flickering light,                                    
He composed his "Critique of Pure Shit".                    
                                                            
52864 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Victor Gray              



The cryptic philosopher, Kant                               
Announced, "I most certainly shan't                         
In my Prolegomena                                           
Allow that phenomena                                        
Are anything but what they aren't."                         
                                                            
52865 PHILOS - ZSERIES               E F C                    



Der alt' Philosoph genannt Kant                             
Hat die reine Vernunft als Trabant.                         
Zeit war seine Buhle,                                       
In seinem Nachtstuhle,                                      
Ward die Zukunft des Weltraums gekannt.                     
                                                            
52866 PHILOS - ZSERIES                                   L1452



The old philosopher named Kant,                             
Had pure reason for his playmate,                           
Time was his paramour,                                      
And in his night-stool,                                     
The future of time and cosmic space could be read.          
                                                            
52867 PHILOS - ZSERIES                                        



Like Pythagoras, living in Italy,                           
What they say's awfully hard to take literally.             
But they saound so emphatic,                                
Saying Being is static,                                     
It seem clear they're not sayng it wittily.                 
                                                            
52868 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9501



Of Parmenides, then, or of Zeno,                            
You'll be tempted to say "What does he know!"               
If he thinks Logic proves                                   
Nothing changes or moves--                                  
Then he must have consumed too much vino!                   
                                                            
52869 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9501



Still, Parmenides says, there's no doubt of it:             
Being's such that there's just one amount of it.            
Since Nonbeing's just fraught,                              
It can't even the thought;                                  
Therefore, nothing goes in or comes out of it!              
                                                            
52870 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9501



Pythagoras formed a society                                 
That saw numbers as objects of piety.                       
From mere ratio and fraction,                               
They derived satisfaction                                   
Of a quasi-religious variety.                               
                                                            
52871 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



The whole world -- if their view's not erroneous--          
Is a God that's well-tuned and harmonious.                  
So of course they're estatic                                
When waxing mathematic:                                     
As they do so, how much the more known He is!               
                                                            
52872 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



It was musical measures and ratios                          
That first hinted at vistas this spacious.                  
For each song, to these seers.                              
Was like Music of Spheres,                                  
Tracing paths, each precisely curvacious.                   
                                                            
52873 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



In addition, the group held canonic,                        
Knowing God makes your soul more harmonic.                  
For the more that you're partisan,                          
All the more that your heart is in                          
Attune with God's Architectonic.                            
                                                            
52874 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



This, they held (like the cult known as Orphic),            
We once had but, alas!, had to forfeit.                     
So let's ruse or keep falling                               
To a state (how appalling!)                                 
Even lower than anthropomorphic!                            
                                                            
52875 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



To insure such a fate's not eventual,                       
Don't give in (all that much) to what's sensual.            
If you'd rather not worry,                                  
Then it's reason you'll curry,                              
Or at least if you have any sense you will!                 
                                                            
52876 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



It's pure reason alone that can glean                       
The proportions that shape the world-scene.                 
Only that's what can raise us                               
To share in God's graces.                                   
(If we don't, by the way, eat a bean!)                      
                                                            
52877 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



Yes, one part of this deal (should you buy it)              
Is taboo touching sex and our diet.                         
Why no beans?  No one knows.                                
But the point, I suppose,                                   
Is to help keep our lowly part quiet.                       
                                                            
52878 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9411



What is Nature? or Truth? Who can probe them?               
And Philosophers? (Once we disrobe them!)                   
Since their skill's just persuation,                        
Why not skip the evasion,                                   
And admit that's the name of our Program?!                  
                                                            
52879 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9505



Now while sophist meant "wise" at the time--                
Who says wisdoms a gift that's divine?                      
So they charged to purvey it!                               
That's their right; who'd gainsay it?                       
(And who'd doubt, it's at least worth a dime.)              
                                                            
52880 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9505



On the other hand, skipping pretensions,                    
This new wisdom's mere grasp of conventions:                
What persuades an Athenian                                  
Might just strike an Armenian                               
As merely "sophist" inventions!                             
                                                            
52881 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9505



So the Sophists made some people nervous.                   
Nonetheless, they provided a service.                       
For though non-metaphysical,                                
They at least became quizical                               
About values that lie on our surface.                       
                                                            
52882 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9505



In the sermons of Bishop Augustine,                         
There's a stance that some say is disgustin'.               
For on this, his terms,                                     
We're worthless as worms,                                   
Without help from the God that we trust in.                 
                                                            
52883 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9303



Were we left to our ouwn poor devices,                      
We'd all wallow in vermin and vices.                        
Only Heavenly Grace                                         
Sheds light in our face,                                    
And first gives us an inkling what nice is.                 
                                                            
52884 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9303



Though it might get some humanists miffed,                  
I'd be helpless without such a gift.                        
Born with Sin that's Original,                              
I'd be trapped in my pigeon-hole,                           
Without wings that give power to lift.                      
                                                            
52885 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9303



And what's more--here's how weak our acumen is:             
Nothing's known unless God makes it luminous.               
The most trivial verity                                     
Calls for graces and charity                                
That could only derive from what's numinous.                
                                                            
52886 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9303



(Incidentally, since numbers appease 'em,                   
Polytheists might share in this theism:                     
When Augustine's the boss,                                  
Only one god can awe us,                                    
But this one's, at the same time, a threesome!              
                                                            
52887 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9303



On the view that he clung to with brio,                     
God's a solo, but also a trio.                              
And ideas, he opined,                                       
Are all thoughts in his mind.                               
(So he's also Platonic--though "neo-".)                     
                                                            
52888 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9303



So from A, B, and C, down to Zeta,                          
If it's good, just say "Thank you Creator!"                 
And try hard--as you might--                                
To use all his gifts right,                                 
So you also can say "See you later!"                        
                                                            
52889 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9303



In the days that were still pre-Socratic,                   
Abstract thought was a trifle erratic.                      
So let's try not to sneer,                                  
When from Thales we hear,                                   
That all things are at bottom, aquatic.                     
                                                            
52890 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



Thales theory, to quickly review it,                        
Is that everying's made from a fluid.                       
How it's done, he'd not venture,                            
Though he'd say, facing censure:                            
Don't forget steam and ice somehow do it.                   
                                                            
52891 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



So three cheers for this man from Miletus,                  
And the view (though all wet) that he'd feed us.            
You might say, "What a jerk he is!"                         
But his town now where Turkey is,                           
Spawned the first abstract thinkers that greet us.          
                                                            
52892 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9410



With a strange mathematical itch,                           
Strolled old Thales, the night black as pitch,              
And while working a rum                                     
Astronomical sum,                                           
Fell tip over ass in the ditch.                             
                                                            
52893 PHILOS - ZSERIES               A. N. Wilkins       P8506



Are procrustean efforts now find-                           
ing a limerick where none was in mind?                      
Though Aquinas once wrote                                   
All the lines that you quote,                               
Supplication was first in his mind.                         
(about limerick unconsciously written by Thomas Aquinas)    
52894 PHILOS - ZSERIES               R. J. Winkler       P8507



Extinguish concupiscent fires,                              
Eliminate lustful desires;                                  
Give patience and love,                                     
A plenitude of                                              
What humble obeying requires.                               
                                                            
52895 PHILOS - ZSERIES               R. J. Winkler       P8507



O strengthen my efforts to rule                             
My passions and help me to cool                             
Attractions to sin,                                         
Then help me begin                                          
Considering virtue a jewel.                                 
                                                            
52896 PHILOS - ZSERIES               R. J. Winkler       P8507



O Lord, I can prove intellectual,                           
A Doctor, profoundly effectual,                             
Whose teachings are sure                                    
If You keep me pure                                         
With thought that are wholly asexual.                       
                                                            
52897 PHILOS - ZSERIES               R. J. Winkler       P8507



This limerick's for purging my sin,                         
Ousting lust and desire from within,                        
Which leaves oodles of space                                
For agape and grace,                                        
Plus humility, virtue, and gin.                             
                                                            
52898 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Robin K. Willoughby P8507



Or here's Zeno, with Logic to show,                         
If you move, you're unspeakably slow.                       
Move from B to spot A?                                      
Well, let's first get half-way!                             
But that's C--and you've still half to go!                  
                                                            
52899 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9501



Well of course no one says, "Okey-dokey--                   
So Beings unspeakably pokey!"                               
Still, a double millenium                                   
Had elapsed before anyone                                   
Was quite clear when the argument's hokey.                  
                                                            
52900 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9501



Be these proofs, though, still living or dead,              
Don't forget where we're finally led:                       
With these two from Elea,                                   
We can get the idea                                         
That an argument's good for your head.                      
                                                            
52901 PHILOS - ZSERIES               Lim Hist of Philos  P9501



There once was a method, RG,                                
That gets rid of the infinity.                              
Some say that the bug                                       
Is hid by a rug,                                            
But maybe that's how it should be.                          
                                                            
52902 PHYSICS                        David Morin et al        



This answers your hasty request                             
To speed up your medical test:                              
Your increase in weight                                     
Is nothing you ate,                                         
It's just E over c square; just rest.                       
                                                            
52903 PHYSICS                        Edward H Green           



On coming home early, old Fred                              
Found Ned with his wife, both in bed.                       
Said old Fred, so severe,                                   
"What are you doing here?"                                  
"We all have to be somewhere," said Ned.                    
                                                            
52904 PHYSICS                        Albin Chaplin            



Mathematics is science's queen;                             
Electronics: technology's dean.                             
But all bow in awe                                          
Besides Murphy's Law,                                       
As the ruler of earthly routine.                            
                                                            
52905 PHYSICS                        Prof M-G                 



As physics gets harder and harder,                          
The physicists seem to get smarter.                         
They now know topology,                                     
With its groups cohomology,                                 
And those things are just for a starter.                    
                                                            
52906 PHYSICS                        Kay R Devicci            



The alchemists, so I have read,                             
Tried hard to make gold out of lead;                        
But the more modern cult                                    
(With the same end result)                                  
Is begging from Congress, instead.                          
                                                            
52907 PHYSICS                        Daniel Mittleman         



Of all thrills coming to men,                               
The best is the call from Sweden.                           
You've won the Nobel Prize;                                 
Your chest increases in size.                               
Mom! Get my suitcase from out the playpen.                  
                                                            
52908 PHYSICS                        Carl A Benz              



'tHooft had the realization                                 
Of couplings' peculiar relation.                            
He'd only just solve                                        
Just how they evolve,                                       
Performing renormalization.                                 
                                                            
52909 PHYSICS                        Bruce Elliot             



A simple improvement I've found:                            
Let troublesome numbers be round,                           
And both pi and "e"                                         
Be equal to three,                                          
And kgm = 2 lb.                                             
                                                            
52910 PHYSICS                        Edward H Green           



For tradition I have great respect,                         
And Sod's Law I'd never suspect.                            
But you can be tricked                                      
When these two conflict:                                    
Which one can you say is correct?                           
                                                            
52911 PHYSICS                        Tiddy Ogg                



Now a cat always lands on its feet;                         
So tradition says.  And I repeat,                           
Toast when golden brown,                                    
Lands butter side down,                                     
Or Professor Sod's Law will be beat.                        
                                                            
52912 PHYSICS                        Tiddy Ogg                



I needed to find out the truth,                             
So I took the cat up to the roof --                         
All fourteen floors,                                        
Though it scratched with its claws,                         
And bit, I must have the proof.                             
                                                            
52913 PHYSICS                        Tiddy Ogg                



To its back I strapped once slice of bread;                 
With butter, 'twas liberally spread;                        
In the interest of science,                                 
Despite his defiance,                                       
To the parapet's edge I did tread.                          
                                                            
52914 PHYSICS                        Tiddy Ogg                



I tossed the cat over the rail;                             
It spat, yowled, and gave a bale-                           
ful glare as it fell,                                       
It wished me to Hell...                                     
But that's not the end of my tail.                          
                                                            
52915 PHYSICS                        Tiddy Ogg                



A truck passing by in the street,                           
Its load covered by canvas sheet,                           
By the kitty was caught,                                    
And it gallantly fought                                     
To cling to the side with its feet.                         
                                                            
52916 PHYSICS                        Tiddy Ogg                



So now with my news I've regaled                            
You, but my schemings all failed.                           
I've still no evidence                                      
Of which takes precedence,                                  
And probably soon I'll be jailed.                           
                                                            
52917 PHYSICS                        Tiddy Ogg                



If time and space are random,                               
It's hard to understand 'em.                                
Things aren't so odd                                        
If you picture a God,                                       
Quod erat demonstrandum.                                    
                                                            
52918 PHYSICS                        Richard Long             



There once was a tunnel in Texas;                           
To physics, it turned out a nexus.                          
Congress said, "Nay!                                        
For this we won't pay;                                      
It won't help in building a Lexus."                         
                                                            
52919 PHYSICS                        David Morin et al        



God said to his cosmos directors,                           
"I've added some stringent selectors.                       
One is the clause                                           
That your physical laws                                     
Shall be written in terms of 4-vectors."                    
                                                            
52920 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin              



To think I spent nine years at Duke                         
To study the physics of Nuke,                               
To get my degree,                                           
An unused Ph.D.                                             
It's enough to make somebody puke.                          
                                                            
52921 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Nick Staffa              



I sing the Am. Phys. Soc's first century,                   
And our labors both bookish and venturey,                   
Now our Physical Reviews                                    
Come in multiple hues,                                      
Wherein none of it seems elementary.                        
                                                            
52922 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Peter Price              



There once was a student with flash,                        
Who set out to make a big splash.                           
But the profs who were rising                               
Had no time for advising;                                   
She's back on the streets, selling hash.                    
                                                            
52923 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al        



Professor, you should be commended                          
On your theory so geniusly splendid.                        
But some say it's luck                                      
And that you really suck,                                   
'Cause your theory's not what you intended.                 
                                                            
52924 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin              



The chairman of AT&T                                        
Said, "Your graduate physics degree                         
Is not worth a penny.                                       
Of your kind, we've too many.                               
Perhaps you can program in C?"                              
                                                            
52925 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Steve Langer       PR9703



Said a researcher in nuclear fusion,                        
"My research will dispel all confusion;                     
At least it will later,                                     
When I've doctored my data,                                 
To make sure it supports my conclusion.                     
                                                            
52926 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Jim Menger          P9205



Neglecting his wife for career,                             
Isaac Newton, his conscience to clear,                      
Brought her biscuits in bed                                 
Saying "Love you."  She said,                               
"But I couldn't give a fig Newton, dear."                   
                                                            
52927 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Peter Wilkins            



There once was a Solid State Phys.                          
Who hated this Quantum Math biz.                            
"Forget all that crap,                                      
The band has a gap,                                         
And that's just the way that it is."                        
                                                            
52928 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Devlin Gualtieri         



There was a physicist named Bohr                            
Who said on Pigalle to a whore:                             
"I'm full of 'hu',                                          
How about a good screw?                                     
Why, that's what my Fulbright is for!"                      
(to rhyme it is 'hu' but in reality it is 'hv' - McW)       
52929 PHYSICS - ACADEME                                  G2574



When young, the lad Isaac Newton,                           
While under a tree that was fruitin',                       
Got hit by an apple,                                        
Which forced him to grapple                                 
With gravity needin' computin'.                             
                                                            
52930 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Prof M-G                 



A professor of Physics named May                            
Complained of the classroom today,                          
"The problem, you know,                                     
Is that they're too slow.                                   
We were far better students than they."                     
                                                            
52931 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Bruce Elliot       PR9703



His friend, a professor named Beecham,                      
Said, "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em.              
But they're not to blame,                                   
For they haven't the same                                   
Class of teachers that we had to teach 'em!"                
                                                            
52932 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Bruce Elliot       PR9703



A certain Phys Rev referee                                  
Considers all papers with glee:                             
"What's new is not true,                                    
And what's true is not new,                                 
Unless it was written by me."                               
                                                            
52933 PHYSICS - ACADEME              George Cody        PR9703



There are several Great Lies that we know.                  
One is "I'll love you tomorrow."                            
Here's another false word                                   
That we've recently heard,                                  
"With less money, your research will grow!"                 
                                                            
52934 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Beall Flower             



The ad said, for one little fee,                            
You can skip all that grad-school ennui.                    
So sent your tuition,                                       
No need for admission!                                      
Get your mail-order physics degree!                         
                                                            
52935 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al        



A grad student's search for advisors                        
Turned up a boatload of misers.                             
There was barely a nickel,                                  
Cash flowed in a trickle,                                   
And not, as expected, in geysers.                           
                                                            
52936 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al        



Since the Unending Frontier's demise,                       
A change in perspective seems wise.                         
For no grants will be hatched                               
With string theories attached,                              
While society's eye's on the prize.                         
                                                            
52937 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Peter Price              



There once was an academician,                              
Whose papers should've earned the position,                 
But were too-fewly numbered,                                
So untenured he lumbered,                                   
Till he fell to the ranks of attrition.                     
                                                            
52938 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al        



Who needs balance and check?                                
Screw peer review -- what the heck!                         
Send all of your crap                                       
To the internet -- zap!                                     
Who cares if it's nothing but dreck!                        
                                                            
52939 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al  PR9703



"Your physics proposal is clear,"                           
Said the fund officer with a sneer.                         
"But I can't grant your dough;                              
Your research is too slow;                                  
Only one Nobel Prize every year."                           
                                                            
52940 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Stanley Bashkin          



When Physics professors get old,                            
As thousands do yearly, I'm told,                           
And the question is what                                    
Should be done with this glut,                              
Why, just kick them out in the cold.                        
                                                            
52941 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Stanley Bashkin          



The referee caused him much strife.                         
She sounded so much like his wife.                          
"Accept my derisions                                        
On all your revisions,                                      
And get the hell out of my life!"                           
                                                            
52942 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al        



To students unsure of their station,                        
Our colleague made prognostication.                         
Your competitor's facts                                     
In ordering acts,                                           
Rank physics before fornication.                            
                                                            
52943 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Phil Best on M Walker    



An attractive young person named Fader,                     
Though psychiatrists struggled to aid her,                  
Believed that she was                                       
A robot because                                             
Her physics professor had made her.                         
                                                            
52944 PHYSICS - ACADEME              A. N. Wilkins       P8311



There once was a world full of things,                      
But Ed said "'Tis nothing but strings.                      
With Kaluza extensions                                      
To Eleven dimensions,                                       
It's really quite simple," he sings.                        
                                                            
52945 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al        



Our search for the Boson of Higgs                           
Was arrested by Washington bigs.                            
Though we lost our collider,                                
We retain the provider                                      
Of bon mots, cause we got Joe Bob Briggs.                   
                                                            
52946 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Pecos Bill               



A physicist at MIT                                          
Constructed a new T.O.E.                                    
He was fit to be tied                                       
When he found it implied                                    
That seven plus four equals three.                          
(Theory of Everything)                                      
52947 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Martin Gardner      P9801



Whether abstract, profound, or just mystic,                 
Or boring, or somewhat simplistic,                          
A theory should lead                                        
To results that we need                                     
In limits, non-relativistic.                                
                                                            
52948 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin              



This brilliant academician                                  
Was constantly wishin' and wishin',                         
That he could invent                                        
A new element,                                              
Or an item like nuclear fission.                            
                                                            
52949 PHYSICS - ACADEME              Al Willis                



Your units are wrong! cried the teacher.                    
Your church weighs six joules -- what a feature!            
The people inside                                           
Are six hours wide,                                         
And eight Gauss away from the preacher.                     
                                                            
52950 PHYSICS - ACADEME              David Morin et al        



A fellow with rings in his nose,                            
Had strange insubstantial woes,                             
That lightning might strike                                 
Through his schnozz to his psyche,                          
So he grounded himself through his toes.                    
                                                            
52951 PHYSICS - ELECT                Jan Sand                 



Ampere, combing Volta's toupee,                             
Was arrested (ecstatic, they say),                          
And wired to Watt:                                          
"I was shocked; I forgot                                    
That Volta'd be Ohm Faraday."                               
                                                            
52952 PHYSICS - ELECT                Cybergeezer              



A lady removing her scanties                                
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.                     
Said her husband, "My dear,                                 
I very much fear                                            
You suffer from amps in your panties."                      
                                                            
52953 PHYSICS - ELECT                                         



A fellow, Ben Franklin by name,                             
At trying new things, he was game.                          
On dark stormy night,                                       
Tied a key to a kite;                                       
And proved lightning and 'lectric the same.                 
                                                            
52954 PHYSICS - ELECT                Gifford Wherry           



A TV repairman named Spencer                                
Concocted a fucking dispenser.                              
But a fucker did prove                                      
If you're not in the groove,                                
When you blow, you will blow a condenser.                   
                                                            
52955 PHYSICS - ELECT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2316



Grad student Edwin H. Hall,                                 
So excited, he'd bounce off the wall,                       
Said, "This brand new effect                                
Causes charge to deflect,                                   
Given current and B-field -- that's all."                   
                                                            
52956 PHYSICS - ELECT                Daniel Koon              



An electronic scheme promised lots                          
From coherently joined nanodots.                            
But when Coulomb blockaded,                                 
The gadgets abraded,                                        
And converted their white noise to shots.                   
                                                            
52957 PHYSICS - ELECT                Peter Price              



Her waveguide goes into F mode.                             
My cavitron soon will explode.                              
The flux is so great                                        
We demodulate.                                              
But not before melting a load.                              
                                                            
52958 PHYSICS - ELECT                H Welchel                



I once built a stereo amp.                                  
I switched on, my palms were damp.                          
No bang!  What the heck,                                    
I'll plug in the deck.                                      
I did it!  Aren't I a champ!                                
                                                            
52959 PHYSICS - ELECT                Tiddy Ogg                



I put on an old 45,                                         
To which I once used to jive.                               
The tone was divine,                                        
Like sweet sparkling wine;                                  
I really was coming alive.                                  
                                                            
52960 PHYSICS - ELECT                Tiddy Ogg                



The record came to a stop.                                  
Then off to the amp I did hop.                              
There was a strange smell.                                  
Oh Shit!  Bloody Hell!                                      
Smoke's pouring out of the top.                             
                                                            
52961 PHYSICS - ELECT                Tiddy Ogg                



That thing never worked again.                              
I threw it right out in the rain.                           
With soldering, I'm done;                                   
It's no bloody fun,                                         
When your efforts go up in flame.                           
                                                            
52962 PHYSICS - ELECT                Tiddy Ogg                



Electrons once wanted to mate                               
In a superconducting s-state...                             
As they circled around,                                     
Was isotropy found,                                         
Or was d-wave their ultimate fate?                          
                                                            
52963 PHYSICS - ELECT                Barbara Levi             



When her circuits she find out of sorts,                    
Her electrician strongly exhorts                            
That her cares will be brief;                               
He can bring quick relief                                   
By deftly removing her shorts.                              
                                                            
52964 PHYSICS - ELECT                Bob Giandomenico    P8802



Miss Farad was pretty and sensual                           
And charged to a reckless potential,                        
But a rascal named Ohm                                      
Conducted her home --                                       
He decline was, alas, exponential.                          
                                                            
52965 PHYSICS - ELECT                A P French         PR9703



The blood of a miner named Gorth,                           
Was loaded with iron -- one fourth.                         
So his prick when erected,                                  
By the poles was affected,                                  
And he only could fuck facing North.                        
                                                            
52966 PHYSICS - ELECT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2089



Implicit in Maxwelll's equations                            
Are truly important relations.                              
While fields are unchanged,                                 
Potentials may range,                                       
Distinguished by guage transformations.                     
                                                            
52967 PHYSICS - ELECT                Bruce Elliot             



I'm workin at this fine power station                       
Looking at all the illumination.                            
From lightning up high,                                     
This thundering sky                                         
Is now causing me great vexation.                           
                                                            
52968 PHYSICS - ELECT                Lightbulb                



You see, I have just the worst luck;                        
When born, with lightning I was struck.                     
And ever since then                                         
I'll never know when...                                     
Ah, I now see the light.  OH FUCK!                          
                                                            
52969 PHYSICS - ELECT                Lightbulb                



It's so sad.  We'd finally gotten                           
To like you, Lightbulb.  Yes it's rotten                    
That you took a jolt                                        
From a lightning bolt.                                      
Again...You'll be quickly forgotten.                        
                                                            
52970 PHYSICS - ELECT                Carol                    



Your admission is so full of spice,                         
It required me to cool off in ice.                          
But I feel some dejection                                   
As I think in reflection,                                   
Could it be that lightning will strike twice?               
                                                            
52971 PHYSICS - ELECT                                         



A young electrician called Sparks                           
Held a wire and made some remarks.                          
Which repeated, I hear,                                     
Were not fit for the ear,                                   
But they meant it was live.  I've got marks!                
                                                            
52972 PHYSICS - ELECT                Arthur Pattaffy          



Maxwell had much time to think,                             
While dipping his pen in the ink.                           
Today's computations                                        
With Maxwell's equations,                                   
Don't leave you the time for a wink.                        
                                                            
52973 PHYSICS - ELECT                Amikam Aharoni           



"In a year and a half," says young Moore,                   
The speed of transistors will soar,                         
And eighteen months later,                                  
T'will be even greater"                                     
Beyond that, though, I dare not keep score!"                
                                                            
52974 PHYSICS - ELECT                Norman Storer       P0211



This fact you should know evermore,                         
(The formula comes from Ohm's Law)                          
Overcome all resistance,                                    
Learn by persistence                                        
That V = I x R.                                             
                                                            
52975 PHYSICS - ELECT                Keith Johnson       P9204



When using potentials, effective,                           
Remember the one main objective;                            
The goal is to shun                                         
All dimensions but one.                                     
And then view things with 1-D perspective.                  
                                                            
52976 PHYSICS - ELECT                David Morin              



My brother likes lying in hammocks;                         
My sister likes doing ceramics;                             
But I get my kicks                                          
From all the neat tricks                                    
In quantum electrodynamics.                                 
                                                            
52977 PHYSICS - ELECT                Kay R Devicci            



A radio ham living in Brent,                                
In time his equipment all bent.                             
If there was a strong breeze,                               
He'd upset local bees,                                      
And his signals returned as they're sent!                   
                                                            
52978 PHYSICS - ELECT                Arthur Pattaffy          



An electrical dealer from Distance                          
Said, "Ma'am, can I be of assistance?"                      
But he got quite a shock                                    
When she took off her frock                                 
And said, "Will you test my resistance?"                    
                                                            
52979 PHYSICS - ELECT                Harold C Bibby           



When crossing your vectors at school,                       
You'll use your right hand as a tool.                       
But look in the mirror,                                     
And then you'll see clearer.                                
You could just use the left-handed rule.                    
                                                            
52980 PHYSICS - ELECT                David Morin              



While trimming the tree with the tinsel,                    
Adjusting the lights was essential.                         
So I took hold of the wire                                  
And started a fire,                                         
Because there was so much potential.                        
                                                            
52981 PHYSICS - ELECT                Roma                     



Our bouyant new physics instructor                          
Has found a new superconductor.                             
He shouts, "The Tc                                          
Is room temp -- do you see!?"                               
While afloat on a magnetic inductor.                        
                                                            
52982 PHYSICS - ELECT                Jonathan P Dowling       



A electrical expert named Clark,                            
Tried sparking a girl in the park;                          
Watt he did she resisted,                                   
"Take me ohm," she insisted,                                
"In bed where I best strike an arc."                        
                                                            
52983 PHYSICS - ELECT                Ed Potts            P8503



There once was a man named Transistor;                      
His wife was away and he missed her.                        
A girl made a play,                                         
But he said "No way!"                                       
'Cause he had the power to resist her.                      
                                                            
52984 PHYSICS - ELECT                Jim Weaver Collection    



A bright engineering assistant,                             
Claimed nature to be insconsistent.                         
When he probed a Miss Ohm,                                  
In the lab of his home,                                     
He found she was quite unresistant.                         
                                                            
52985 PHYSICS - ELECT                Pierce Evans             



The thermo exam was quite near-o                            
And he thought everything was quite clear-o;                
"Why study this junk,                                       
I'm sure I won't flunk."                                    
But they gave him an Absolute Zero.                         
                                                            
52986 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Kay R. Devicci     PR9703



A couple of young guys in Boulder,                          
Cooled their gas cloud down colder and colder.              
Then with much exhortation,                                 
They hit Bose Condensation,                                 
And beat out their rivals (much older).                     
                                                            
52987 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Jonathan P. DowlingPR9703



There once were two chemists with zeal;                     
These guys, Boyle and Charles were for real.                
They combined their gas laws,                               
Which we know to have flaws,                                
'Cause their gases weren't really ideal!                    
                                                            
52988 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD                                     



There was a young man named Carnot                          
Whose engine was best in the show.                          
With enough fuel to burn,                                   
It gave work every turn,                                    
And heat went from high T to low.                           
                                                            
52989 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Ronald K Wangsness       



A scientist, showing no mirth,                              
Said, "If I owned all of the Earth,                         
I'd give all I've got                                       
For a single good shot                                      
At the goof who gave cold fusion birth."                    
                                                            
52990 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            James Randi              



McHumbug maintains the delusion,                            
That soon we'll be getting cold fusion.                     
For two weeks he's strove,                                  
With an old pot on the stove,                               
To detect neutron flux in profusion.                        
                                                            
52991 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Jonathan P Dowling       



Put palladium down in a pot,                                
Add water and see what you've got!                          
Cold fusion, said some;                                     
Most turned down a thumb:                                   
The studies showed clearly it's not.                        
                                                            
52992 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Barbara Levi             



The physicist made an intrusion,                            
On a conclave that dealt with illusion.                     
"This meeting, by far,                                      
Would be better to tar                                      
And feather the ghost of cold fusion."                      
                                                            
52993 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            James Randi              



Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit                                   
Was certainly no acolyte                                    
Of Celcius' guage --                                        
It just made him rage                                       
And use much jargon impolite.                               
                                                            
52994 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Timothy Torkildson       



For ages the hearth's celebrated;                           
Its warm comfort made chilled folk elated                   
Pets, too, found heat good                                  
Snugly stored in the wood,                                  
To be later, by flame, liberated.                           
                                                            
52995 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Esther Koch         P0201



Raised on the old sod, just by chance;                      
Took things lightly; had no yen to advance.                 
With no child, wood, or coal,                               
Home was a hidey hole                                       
Still it was cozy; peat came from kind aunts.               
                                                            
52996 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Esther Koch         P0201



In Fairbanks there blew a big storm;                        
The temperature dropped below norm.                         
To his car ran young Mose                                   
With hot water, which froze,                                
And so quickly, the ice was still warm.                     
                                                            
52997 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Albin Chaplin   3024-2805



Pre-revolutionary War,                                      
Insulation was very poor.                                   
I'm digging it out                                          
With quite a big pout;                                      
My arms are becoming most sore.                             
                                                            
52998 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD                                     



I know this is what I should do,                            
But it is a total yuck stew                                 
Of corncobs and bats,                                       
With jars, old felt hats;                                   
Dead mice I cannot but eschew.                              
                                                            
52999 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD                                     



There once was a physicist, Watt,                           
And great were the marvels he wrought.                      
If you get a letter --                                      
To open it better                                           
Make sure that the kettle is hot.                           
                                                            
53000 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Irving Superior     P9707



To his colleague, James said, "I've a thought.              
Tell me please--do you like it or not?                      
Let's relate working force                                  
To the strength of the horse!"                              
But his friend, unimpressed, said, "So, Watt."              
                                                            
53001 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            William N. Nesbit   P9707



A Yukon Professor quite quizzical                           
Liked studying properties physical.                         
He was very bold;                                           
The weather was cold.                                       
When he pissed, all he got was a whizzicle.                 
                                                            
53002 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Phillip Devicci          



A young physicist, surnamed deMurk,                         
Had tough duties he never would shirk.                      
His research, near to zero,                                 
Almost made him a hero,                                     
But he never could warm to his work.                        
                                                            
53003 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Stanley Bashkin          



Watt's dream was the cream of steam engines.                
Instead we get trains with a vengence.                      
A lot of hot air,                                           
And 'Travelers Fare',                                       
Was this his invention's intentions?                        
                                                            
53004 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Bill Greenwell           



Wee Jamie, a canny young Scot,                              
Observed, when the kettle was hot,                          
That the steam raised the lid,                              
And it's thanks to this kid                                 
That you and I know Watt's watt.                            
                                                            
53005 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Joyce Johnson            



When the temperature's forty degrees                        
Below zero, coversion's a breeze.                           
From the Fahrenheit scale                                   
To the Celsius, they'll                                     
Show an equal amount of hard freeze!                        
                                                            
53006 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Prof M-G           TP9901



Up the ladder went Celsius in fright,                       
And he shook in great fear at his plight;                   
For the more he went higher,                                
The more he'd perspire --                                   
He did not very well fare in height.                        
                                                            
53007 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Albin Chaplin 3024  P8511



Men vary in rates they acquire                              
New thoughts to fulfill their desire.                       
By exertion of wit                                          
Some men, atoms have split,                                 
While in Watts, some have learned about fire.               
                                                            
53008 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



The scientist, Wernher von Keating,                         
Told how to save fuel at a meeting.                         
To get gas we must leach                                    
A political speech,                                         
And consume it for cooking and heating.                     
                                                            
53009 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



From Centigrade to Fahrenheit--                             
I never seem to get it right.                               
And now a plus,                                             
There's Celsius.                                            
So which hot time will I have tonight?                      
                                                            
53010 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Irving Superior     P9707



There's no NOTHING FOR SOMETHING to claim,                  
No BREAK EVEN to bring you much fame.                       
It is THERMODYNAMICS,                                       
Where a man often panics,                                   
For he CANNOT GET OUT OF THE GAME.                          
                                                            
53011 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Al Chaplin          P9203



A young engineer from Capri                                 
Thought thermodynamics pure glee.                           
From Maxwell to Joule                                       
Their works, as a rule,                                     
Moved him perpetually.                                      
                                                            
53012 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            J Simpson                



I wish my endeavors progress,                               
But I know that they'll always regress.                     
I've used all my strength,                                  
Gone to such a great length,                                
Yet all I've achieved is a mess.                            
                                                            
53013 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Nawahl                   



A physicist friend never ceases                             
To tell me that things fall to pieces.                      
You can't fix a border                                      
'Round states of disorder,                                  
For entropy ever increases.                                 
                                                            
53014 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Tiddy Ogg                



Yes, entropy sure is a fox,                                 
Even leading to Gibb's Paradox.                             
For the universe, however,                                  
Does it change, no, not ever.                               
It stays constant like we're in a box.                      
                                                            
53015 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD            Nawahl                   



My request may seem a bit dotty,                            
And my knowledge of physics is spotty;                      
But it's just been reported,                                
Photons teleported.                                         
I'm ready, so beam me up, Scotty.                           
                                                            
53016 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Limerick Savant          



There once was a woman named Kerr,                          
Who could travel much faster than her.                      
In the course of a day,                                     
In a relative way,                                          
She'd become the most absolute blur.                        
                                                            
53017 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Anon                     



Relativity tells us that light                              
Has a speed firmly fixed.  That's all right                 
From dawn until evening,                                    
But who is believing                                        
That the law can apply in the night.                        
                                                            
53018 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Kirk Miller              



There was a young lady named Bright,                        
Who could fuck much faster than light.                      
She screwed one day,                                        
In a relative way,                                          
And she came on the previous night.                         
                                                            
53019 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          A. Reginald Buller       



To her friends, that Miss Bright use to chatter,            
"I have learned something new about matter,                 
My speed was so great                                       
That is increased my weight;                                
Yet I failed to become any fatter."                         
                                                            
53020 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          A. H. Buller             



We've heard of that fellow called Bright,                   
And his trip on that fabulous night.                        
But his increasing mass                                     
Would have soon proved so vast,                             
He'd have been a most 'singular' sight!                     
                                                            
53021 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED                                   



When she left Ms Bright was quite tall;                     
On returning she seemed rather small.                       
"I seem to have shrunk,"                                    
She said to her Unk.                                        
"For awhile I was nothing at all!"                          
                                                            
53022 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Neal Wilgus         P8211



Bright's boyfriend was tall, dark and strong,               
And what's better, his manhood was long.                    
But after the trip                                          
When she asked him to strip,                                
They found he'd a foreshortened dong!                       
                                                            
53023 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Neal Wilgus         P8211



Spam, in a relative way,                                    
Has properties rather outre.                                
It speeds at such rate                                      
To your gut from your plate,                                
It's excreted the previous day.                             
                                                            
53024 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Jerry Missel             



A Chinese inventor named Wu                                 
Climbed out of a window and flew.                           
At the peak of his flight,                                  
He went faster than light,                                  
And that's damnably tricky to do.                           
                                                            
53025 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Harald S. Green     P8510



A fencing instructor named Fisk,                            
In sex was terribly brisk.                                  
So fast was his action,                                     
The Fitzgerald contraction,                                 
Foreshortened his prick to a disk.                          
                                                            
53026 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Tony Boucher G2636  L1204



Now Fisk and his disk had a date                            
And he hoped that his girlfriend would mate.                
But they both knew the risk                                 
For with foreplay so brisk,                                 
The disk might just slide off the plate.                    
                                                            
53027 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Neal Wilgus         P8211



Relativistic limericks have the attraction                  
Of being shrunk by a Lorentz contraction.                   
But for readers unwary,                                     
The results may be scary,                                   
When they see just a fraction...    (in action. - McW)      
                                                            
53028 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          David Morin et al        



There once was a fat Anglo-Saxon                            
Who raced 'round while puttin' his slacks on.               
"My trousers won't fit                                      
If they don't shrink a bit,                                 
With Lorentz-Fitzgerald's contraction.                      
                                                            
53029 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Steve Langer             



If that meteor is going to go                               
Faster than light, then we'll know                          
That Einstein is right,                                     
If it flies out of sight                                    
And lands many eons ago.                                    
                                                            
53030 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          PeterW                   



If one tries to fly faster than C,                          
Then M will be big as can be.                               
To accelerate through                                       
A constant so true,                                         
Would require way too much energy.                          
                                                            
53031 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED                                   



"People can travel," said Albert Einstein,                  
The speed of light in a gadget of mine.                     
When my in-laws go fast,                                    
Back into the past,                                         
Relatively speaking, they're not mine.                      
                                                            
53032 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Kirk Miller              



There once was a young man named Lee,                       
Charged with running a red light in Philly.                 
"But your honor, 'twas green,                               
At least it had been;                                       
I was moving at .2 times c."                                
                                                            
53033 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          A M Gabrys               



Albert Einstein was driving one night                       
When he reached a speed faster than light.                  
Then he took a quick peek                                   
In his mirror, and "EEK!" --                                
For his headlights weren't dipped, but on bright.           
                                                            
53034 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Prof M-G                 



What did Einstein, while driving one night                  
At a speed so much faster than light,                       
In his mirror observe                                       
That near caused him to swerve?                             
His very own headlights, on bright!                         
                                                            
53035 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Prof M-G                 



Now after an evening of sin, you are                        
OD'ing on granny's slow gin, you are                        
Both keeling and reeling,                                   
That's much like the feeling                                
Of a drop through the space-time continua.                  
                                                            
53036 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED                                   



At fuck-speed approaching small c,                          
Her throbbing twat triggered my glee.                       
But as I collapsed                                          
She poured me a Pabst                                       
And claimed that I came before she.                         
(it's i before e except after c...)                         
53037 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          H Welchel                



Such antics can lead to a crime                             
If m c squared equal a prime.                               
A mathematical converson                                    
Of this temporal inversion                                  
Can send her too far back in time.                          
                                                            
53038 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          MrMalo                   



According to Professor Parsifal,                            
It is certainly not quite imparsible                        
That this time machine                                      
Spits her out at fifteen,                                   
And your situation is incarcerable.                         
                                                            
53039 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          MrMalo                   



They say there's no space for my pendulum;                  
Guess time is the same old continulum.                      
Just hope my fast frien'                                    
Does not warp back past ten,                                
And pinch off my choad at the endulum.                      
                                                            
53040 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          H Welchel                



Her climax will come from the past,                         
While into the future I blast.                              
There will be no cheer                                      
As you will not hear;                                       
The disintegration will happen too fast.                    
                                                            
53041 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          Roy Herselman            



Your molecules will rearrange                               
So fast, you won't notice the change.                       
As your parts dissemble,                                    
You'll begin to resemble                                    
Dennis Rodman with a case of the mange.                     
(D R - Chicago Bulls cross-dressing rebounder 1998)         
53042 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED          MrMalo                   



For things moving free or at rest,                          
Observe what the First Law does best.                       
It defines a key frame,                                     
Inertial by name,                                           
Where the Second Law then is expressed.                     
                                                            
53043 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin              



Lo, the old Archimedean screw                               
Is still being used in Peru,                                
And they use it in Spain                                    
To elevate grain,                                           
And in Egypt to irrigate snoo.                              
(Walt Kelly had the first definition in Pogo - McW)         
53044 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Cyber Geezer             



Archimedes while dipped to his waist,                       
Tried screwing a mermaid in haste.                          
But he failed to account                                    
For his weight in the mount,                                
Which equaled the water displaced.                          
                                                            
53045 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



Said a classicist down in Peru,                             
"When in love you can best follow through,                  
And show your devotion,                                     
With the helical motion,                                    
Of the great Archimedean screw."                            
                                                            
53046 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



Archimedes could have not have felt bleaker,                
As he bathed and swigged wine from a beaker.                
H20 he displaced                                            
But no longer grimaced,                                     
As he burst forth with one word, "Eureker."                 
                                                            
53047 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



One morning while eating my Wheaties,                       
I felt the Earth move 'neath my feeties.                    
The cause for alarm                                         
Was a long lever arm,                                       
At the end of which grinned Archimedes.                     
                                                            
53048 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin              



Archimedes said, "My darling daughter,                      
Please immerse yourself in this water."                     
She said, "Father, I know                                   
It's your principle, though                                 
Could you please make it just a bit hotter?"                
                                                            
53049 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            William N. Nesbit   P9707



Long ago Archimedes did shout,                              
"I have found what it is without doubt,                     
The upthrust (or force),                                    
Is equal (of course),                                       
To the weight of the fluid pushed out."                     
                                                            
53050 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Keith Johnson       P9204



Could someone inform me, pray tell,                         
The precise sound of a Rebel Yell,                          
Or impart unto me                                           
The max velocity                                            
Attained by a bat out of Hell?                              
                                                            
53051 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9605



One day you have a clear path                               
To spend your hour in the bath.                             
With arch deities                                           
Like Archimedes,                                            
And the power of physics and math.                          
                                                            
53052 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Markowitz          



Another day, but not to bore you;                           
The towel's gone that would restore you.                    
You're late; you fuss;                                      
Get hit by a bus.                                           
Well, there goes chaos for you.                             
                                                            
53053 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Markowitz          



There once was a bird filled with gas,                      
Who bobbed back and forth with its mass,                    
For one complete hour,                                      
Changing sunlight to power;                                 
Its novelty never surpassed.                                
                                                            
53054 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Laura Gold Daniel Ripin  



Said the professor, "Land of Goshen!                        
I teach classes about the ocean.                            
When they leave here,                                       
This much I fear,                                           
They all study bodies in motion.                            
                                                            
53055 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Tom Patton          P9708



Said a scientist based at Shipshore,                        
As he fondled the boobs of a whore,                         
"Just the press of my hand                                  
Seems to make you expand,                                   
Thereby contravening Boyle's Law.                           
                                                            
53056 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Hugh Oliver           38c



Man's greatest inventions are few,                          
Though pundits are prone to rank two                        
As vitally clever--                                         
The wheel and the lever,                                    
More essential by far, is the screw.                        
                                                            
53057 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



To barbarity man said adieu,                                
As brilliant inventions accrue.                             
To create wheel and lever                                   
Was remarkably clever,                                      
But divinely inspired was the screw.                        
                                                            
53058 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Albin Chaplin       G2236



The change in the two cars' momentum                        
Was that which a third car had lent them.                   
Total P was conserved,                                      
Until braking, they swerved,                                
And total K E, till it bent them.                           
                                                            
53059 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin et al        



There was an old teacher called Grace,                      
Who often fell flat on her face.                            
The reason you see,                                         
Was her C of G,                                             
Was somewhat too high for her base.                         
(C of G - center of gravity)                                
53060 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Keith Johnson       P9204



Risking the Fundamentalist's curse                          
And their accusations perverse,                             
Unequivocally                                               
It is crystal clear we                                      
Share a disorderly universe.                                
                                                            
53061 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



On a merry-go-round in the night,                           
Coriolis was shaken with fright.                            
Despite how he walked,                                      
'Twas like he was stalked,                                  
By some fiend always pushing him right.                     
                                                            
53062 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin et al  PR9703



Here's proof of it, ladies and gents:                       
Those scientist folks are so dense,                         
That no speeds can be reckoned                              
In cubits per second,                                       
And that cost us each fifty cents.                          
                                                            
53063 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



That depends, to some minor extent,                         
On the census.  Our nation's intent                         
Is: Spend twenty-four bucks                                 
Per person -- That sucks!                                   
And get within seven percent.                               
                                                            
53064 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



For that kind of money I'd measure                          
Each gentleman's most valued treasure;                      
Convert that to meters,                                     
Then factor those peters                                    
By the cube of their sex partner's pleasure.                
                                                            
53065 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



For the girls I would count pussy hairs,                    
And applying the sum of root squares,                       
To whichever is less.                                       
I'll bet I could guess                                      
A reliable figure like theirs.                              
                                                            
53066 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



For distance, take initial speed                            
Times time, and then next you'll need                       
Acceleration                                                
(And then you'll have fun.)                                 
Times half time squared then add distance seed.             
                                                            
53067 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Peter Wilkins            



Speed is dv by dt;                                          
Is this useful?  There's no guarantee.                      
If it leads to, "Oh heck!"                                  
Take dv by dx,                                              
And then write down its product with v.                     
                                                            
53068 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Davit Morin              



If women should all drop their bra,                         
Then gravity would fall so far,                             
The Earth would faster spin                                 
And mankind would begin                                     
To catapult to yonder star.                                 
                                                            
53069 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Irving Superior     P8802



The few laws of simplified motion                           
Should be taken with good old precaution.                   
When you move too fast,                                     
Like a cosmic ray blast,                                    
You'd prefer an einsteinian notion.                         
                                                            
53070 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Nawahl Razak             



And here's one more reason to panic:                        
When the time comes for the quantum mechanic,               
You could be anywhere.                                      
What a cause for dispair,                                   
If you're microscopically organic.                          
                                                            
53071 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Nawahl Razak             



Force is ma times my mass,                                  
Said the driver when starting to pass.                      
But from what we just learned,                              
He was right when he turned,                                
But wrong when he stepped on the gas.                       
                                                            
53072 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin              



To find end velocity v,                                     
From starting speed u...let me see...                       
With acceleration                                           
a. t time duration...                                       
That's v = u + a*t.                                         
                                                            
53073 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Tiddy Ogg                



Roger Clemens was stuck on a lake,                          
With no wind, oars, or fuel -- big mistake!                 
So he thought like a rocket                                 
And emptied his pocket,                                     
And left all his change in his wake.                        
                                                            
53074 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin              



They said F is ma, bar none.                                
What they meant sounded not as much fun.                    
It's dp by dt                                               
Which just happens to be                                    
Good old ma when g equals 1.                                
                                                            
53075 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin              



"I quite well could have," said Foucault,                   
"Demonstrated all this years ago,                           
But a good rule of thumb                                    
Using a pendulum                                            
Is, don't leave it just hanging, you know."                 
                                                            
53076 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9707



A man who'd done research in friction                       
Wrote limericks to improve his diction;                     
"These limericks," said he,                                 
"In tribology, (study of friction)                          
Arose from some mental affliction."                         
                                                            
53077 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Peter Blau          P0207



An engineer, full of eclat,                                 
Says fuel cells are where it is at:                         
"They'll leave no emissions,                                
And earn such commissions,                                  
That gasoline sales will go flat."                          
                                                            
53078 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Norman Storer       P0211



It filled Galileo with mirth                                
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.                       
He gladly proclaimed,                                       
"Their rates are the same,                                  
And quite independent of girth!"                            
                                                            
53079 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Bruce Elliot       PR9703



Then Newton announced in due course                         
His own law of gravity's force:                             
It goes, I declare,                                         
As the inverse square                                       
Of the distance from object to source.                      
                                                            
53080 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Bruce Elliot       PR9703



But remarkably Einstein's equation                          
Succeeds to describe gravitation                            
As spacetime that's curved                                  
And it's this that will serve                               
As the planets' unique motivation.                          
                                                            
53081 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Bruce Elliot       PR9703



Yet the end of the story's not written;                     
By a new way of thinking we're smitten.                     
We twist and we turn,                                       
Attempting to learn                                         
The Superstring Theory of Witten!                           
                                                            
53082 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                               PR9703



Isaac Newton sat under a tree                               
When an apple began to come free.                           
As he started to duck,                                      
He said, "Don't that suck?                                  
Or maybe it's just gravity."                                
                                                            
53083 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Tom Campbell             



Sir Isaac Newton's worst fear--                             
That GRAVITY would disappear.                               
That they would find a flaw                                 
And annul the law.                                          
Or they'd invent the first brassiere.                       
                                                            
53084 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Irving Superior     P9707



There once was a fly on the wall;                           
I wonder why didn't it fall;                                
Because its feet stuck,                                     
Or was it just luck                                         
Or does gravity miss thing so small.                        
                                                            
53085 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Robert D. Cowan    PR9703



A lust for the feminine cavity,                             
Some chastise as willful depravity.                         
But surely the fact                                         
That bodies attract                                         
Is due not to sin, but to gravity.                          
                                                            
53086 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Norm Storer         P9707



A part of what's called gravity--                           
Whatever's UP soon down will be.                            
(Excepting taxes)                                           
Like what relaxes                                           
When midway heterosexually.                                 
                                                            
53087 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Irving Superior     P9707



A physicist known as Raj Singh                              
Decided one day, on a fling;                                
So he lined up a chick,                                     
But she noticed his prick                                   
Resembled a hook and a spring!                              
                                                            
53088 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Mark Levy           P9707



The turbine designed by young Blair                         
Won prizes at every World's Fair.                           
It was driven by gasses                                     
From political asses                                        
Who continuously spouted hot air.                           
                                                            
53089 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Albin Chaplin   3024-2453



Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee                                     
Needs no airbag in her car, you see.                        
In laboratory tests,                                        
Some equivalent breasts                                     
Survived impacts up to 5 g!                                 
                                                            
53090 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            CeeJay                   



The elegant, smooth, inclined plane                         
Results in some Godawful pain,                              
For Freshmen and women                                      
Who'd rather be swimmin'                                    
Or doing things much more inane.                            
                                                            
53091 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Mark Levy           P9707



There was a young fellow from Queens                        
Whose perpetual motion machines                             
Would move forward by jerks,                                
For he kept in the works                                    
The best Mexican high-jumping beans.                        
                                                            
53092 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Isaac Asimov             



"Those Motion Laws," grumbled Madge Mears,                  
"Are wrong, and it brings me to tears.                      
I offer this proof:                                         
My husband, the goof,                                       
Ain't moved off the sofa in years!"                         
                                                            
53093 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Travis Brasell           



A young engineer did debase                                 
A hardy young virgin of Thrace.                             
He got into her crevice                                     
With a lever and clevis,                                    
And a crowbar beside, just in case.                         
                                                            
53094 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Albin Chaplin   3024-1331



A physicist ran in a race                                   
That was held in reciprocal space.                          
His momentum that day                                       
Was h times kj:                                             
'Twas as bad as just running in place.                      
                                                            
53095 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Kay R Devicci            



A stone at the top of a hill                                
Was arrested for being too still.                           
Its energy potential                                        
Was quite exponential,                                      
But moss sapped its strength and its will.                  
                                                            
53096 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Bill                     



One morning while eating my Wheaties,                       
I felt the earth move 'neath my feeties.                    
The cause for alarm                                         
Was a long lever-arm,                                       
At the end of which stood Archimedes.                       
                                                            
53097 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin et al        



There was an old fellow named Newton,                       
Whose head someone chose to drop fruit on.                  
Galileo first proved                                        
That the Earth really moved.                                
Archimedes went out with no suit on.                        
                                                            
53098 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Richard Long             



Discovered by Newton's resources,                           
And set down in all college courses:                        
If the body you date                                        
Has a motionless state,                                     
You must rub it with external forces.                       
                                                            
53099 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Albin Chaplin   3024-2258



And Nicklas DeCusa played ball,                             
And wrote a treatise for all,                               
Regarding the sphere,                                       
And how it did steer,                                       
Lop-ended, when thrown from a wall.                         
                                                            
53100 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



For Nicklaus at first he did feel                           
That apples cut round like a wheel,                         
Would roll very fine,                                       
And follow a line,                                          
'Less bitten as part of a meal.                             
                                                            
53101 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



Bowing, he said and opined,                                 
"A bowling ball snipped on the rind,                        
So missing an end,                                          
When given to send,                                         
Will roll not too straight, but will wind!"                 
                                                            
53102 PHYSICS - MECHANICS                                     



A student of science named Parker,                          
In annals of fame has a marker.                             
In his lab it was where                                     
He made studies on air,                                     
And discovered that night air was darker.                   
                                                            
53103 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Albin Chaplin   3024-2734



There once was a lady named Claire                          
Whose behavior was quantized with care.                     
She vanished one day                                        
When bumped in the foyer,                                   
And appeared at the top of the stair.                       
                                                            
53104 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Anon                     



In vino there's veritas, sure                               
Enough and though it is a bore,                             
You must, if you wanta,                                     
Learn more about quanta.                                    
You get the glasses, I'll pour.                             
                                                            
53105 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Tiddy Ogg                



A potential may look quite erratic,                         
And its study may seem problematic,                         
But down near a min,                                        
You can say with a grin,                                    
It behaves like a simple quadratic.                         
                                                            
53106 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            David Morin              



A nerd of a fellow named Hector                             
Knew physics from ATOM to VECTOR.                           
But he failed with each girl,                               
When his tool she'd unfurl                                  
To expose a spring-loaded ejector!                          
                                                            
53107 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Mark Levy           P9707



As new concepts began to accrue                             
So with scarcity man was all through.                       
He invented the lever                                       
And wheel -- no doubt clever --                             
But to God, he's in debt for the screw.                     
                                                            
53108 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



I'm back for one more round of giggles,                     
Reading how some anatomy jiggles.                           
Brownian motion, I fear,                                    
Is the cause of it, here,                                   
But 'tis cute how the molecule wriggles.                    
                                                            
53109 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            SPCA                     



There was an old man who said, "Motion --                   
The state is of comical notion;                             
It would seem to connote                                    
That a single U-boat                                        
Could be at two spots in the ocean."                        
                                                            
53110 PHYSICS - MECHANICS            John St Loe Strachey     



Whenever we talk about piles,                               
It results in loud guffaws and smiles.                      
This ain't about pains                                      
In those swollen veins;                                     
I speak of atomic age piles.                                
                                                            
53111 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Jim Weaver Collection    



A Chicago nymphette, name of Gloria,                        
On a kick of real zany euphoria                             
Took into her bed                                           
An atomic warhead--                                         
Bits of Gloria were seen over Peoria.                       
                                                            
53112 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Gar Fowler          G2018



Now, those who investigate quarks                           
Are prone to make snotty remarks,                           
About those who maintain                                    
That the atom's domain                                      
Contains really nothing but snarks.                         
                                                            
53113 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Norm Storer         P0012



A student of nuclear fission                                
Made a bomb with official permission.                       
But the Earth disappeared                                   
In the bang; it is feared                                   
Through an error in simple addition.                        
                                                            
53114 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              W. Bernard Wake          



It's five bombs now, that India blew;                       
They told the rest the world "Go Screw!"                    
Enough of your cries                                        
And attempts to chastise,                                   
When so many of you have it too.                            
                                                            
53115 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Puff Adder               



There once was a nuclear plant                              
Whose containment attainment was scant.                     
So the folks in Chernobyl                                   
Were suddenly mobile.                                       
They'd go home if they could, but they can't.               
                                                            
53116 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Neal Wilgus         P8607



The accident down in Chernobyl,                             
Despite prayers of both Primate and Pope'll                 
Cause crop decimations                                      
And hideous mutations --                                    
Litvak newborns'll look like George Gobel!                  
                                                            
53117 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Robin K. Willoughby P8608



With large cracks in three of the piers                     
Of the nuclear plant, there were fears                      
That among those who planned                                
The pile was a band,                                        
Which might be called crack engineers.                      
                                                            
53118 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              A. N. Wilkins       P8803



There once was a fellow named Howard,                       
Whose tool, it was nuclear-powered.                         
While grabbing some ass,                                    
He reached critical mass,                                   
But think of the girl he deflowered.                        
                                                            
53119 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR                                       



E equals M times C squared.                                 
I wonder if someone erred?                                  
I really regret it;                                         
And still I don't get it,                                   
Perhaps 'cause my mind is impaired.                         
                                                            
53120 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Jim Weaver Collection    



A physicist whose mind was impaired,                        
Said, "Eureka, I am now prepared                            
To spread news far and wide,                                
Without ego or pride,                                       
That E equals M C squared."                                 
                                                            
53121 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Al Willis          TP9804



There's a law that just simply can't be                     
About time and space fantasy.                               
But Albert Einstein                                         
Theorized it just fine,                                     
Because E over M is squared C.                              
                                                            
53122 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR                                       



A four-footer, a really thin runt,                          
Had a cock that was short, thick, and blunt,                
With a very flat head:                                      
Tetrahedral, he said.                                       
"Ecstasy equals squared mini-cunt!"                         
(E = M c**2)                                                
53123 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Jim Weaverr Collection   



A famous equation will loom                                 
As a constant reminder of doom.                             
For E, as we feared,                                        
Equals m c (when squared).                                  
Who'll be first to square what, and with whom?              
                                                            
53124 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Bill Backe-Hansen   P8506



An atom that came from the tap                              
Had electrons all over its map.                             
But in its interstices                                      
Lurked a much worse disease:                                
Decay and a permanent zap.                                  
                                                            
53125 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Robert Resnick           



FDR: Nuclear things might be bad.                           
I could hold it for study a tad.                            
The risk to the race                                        
Is so hard to face.                                         
But he didn't and we are all glad.                          
                                                            
53126 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Carl A Benz              



A Latin grammarian, Priscian,                               
Once had a nocturnal emission;                              
It began with a fart                                        
That near tore him apart --                                 
The first case of nuclear fission.                          
                                                            
53127 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Armand E Singer       386



They say they've got nuclear fusion                         
Bottled up in a simple solution;                            
We've heard this before;                                    
I'm guessing it's more                                      
Media hype and confusion.                                   
                                                            
53128 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Dr Limerick  03-04-02    



'Twas a brilliant informed decision,                        
Getting power from nuclear fission.                         
It would be even smarter                                    
That William J Carter                                       
To accomplish the fusion collision.                         
                                                            
53129 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Nawahl                   



The power of M's and C-squares                              
Provides us with just cause for scares.                     
Our childhood fright                                        
Of a bump in the night,                                     
Is now mushrooms from nightmarish prayers.                  
                                                            
53130 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Carl A Benz              



Vacation wherever you please                                
For a place with a warm sunny breeze.                       
And avoiding the sun                                        
Kiev is the one...                                          
Cloudy -- 4000 degrees.                                     
(contaminated by Chernobyl)                                 
53131 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Jay Marshall        P8607



"In case of The Bomb," Colonel Nye,                         
"Sit down with your hands on your thigh.                    
Now bend forward low                                        
As far as you'll go,                                        
And then kiss your keister goodbye."                        
                                                            
53132 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Irving Superior     P8406



A handsome young man with blue eyes                         
Built an atom-machine of great size.                        
When asked why he did it,                                   
He blushed and admitted,                                    
"I was wise to the size of the prize."                      
(Lee DuBridge to Ernest Lawrence on winning Nobel Prize)    
53133 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Lee Dubridge        P0303



Beware of the plasma fanatics;                              
They're prone to a fusion of antics,                        
That generate heat                                          
When hydrogens meet                                         
With magnetohydrodynamics.                                  
                                                            
53134 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Bruce Elliot             



Population growth always vexed Tom,                         
And his spirit was never quite calm                         
Until Malthus heard                                         
The encouraging word                                        
Concerning the nuclear bomb.                                
                                                            
53135 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              A. N. Wilkins       P8702



The chemist heaved a long sigh,                             
When his filtrate was finally dry.                          
But an unstable fraction,                                   
In a quick chain reaction,                                  
Formed a mushroom cloud five miles high.                    
                                                            
53136 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Jonathan P Dowling       



When man his good senses deployed,                          
Then smallpox no longer annoyed.                            
There's a much better plan                                  
Which will benefit man --                                   
When the last atom bomb is destroyed.                       
                                                            
53137 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Albin Chaplin   3024-2961



When atoms meet atoms and fuse,                             
There's part of their mass that they lose.                  
The emitted article                                         
Is not only a particle,                                     
But a wave -- and you don't get to choose.                  
                                                            
53138 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Chuck Baggett            



There once was this young man named Gant,                   
Who worked hard in a nuclear plant.                         
He died six months later                                    
A real 'hot-potater'                                        
And his grave stone still glows brilliant!                  
                                                            
53139 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Laurence Craft           



A Danish professor named Bohr                               
Thought atoms had a nuclear core,                           
"A plum pudding raisin                                      
Would scatter just grazing,                                 
Not like sine to the negative four!"                        
                                                            
53140 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Woodward            



A "nuke" power station near Bradley                         
Wanting better publicity badly,                             
Sent reply-cards: "Come, learn!                             
Tick a date and return!"                                    
Those who went, came back ticking madly.                    
                                                            
53141 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8701



India blew up a device.                                     
Pakistan said, "That's not nice,"                           
Then blew up their own.                                     
They wanted it known                                        
That India should have thought twice.                       
                                                            
53142 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Frank Spectra            



Brahmastras, a Vedic fire-bomb --                           
Don't know what it's called in Islam.                       
But one thing I know,                                       
This stand-off could blow,                                  
And set off a righteous pogrom.                             
                                                            
53143 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              H WHELCHEL               



"How nice that they both have The Bomb,"                    
The alien said with aplomb.                                 
"With just a few flashes,                                   
They'll top all the clashes                                 
We've watched since before Vietnam."                        
                                                            
53144 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Miller              



"Just think of the carnage to be,"                          
Said the alien, winking at me.                              
"If their hate doesn't fizzle                               
Tens of millions will sizzle --                             
What a pleasant thing for us to see.                        
                                                            
53145 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Miller              



"Is it Hindus and Muslims who fight                         
To prove to each other who's right?                         
Gentle Christians and Jews                                  
Should horn in with their views,                            
And some more from the left and the right.                  
                                                            
53146 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Miller              



"It really will be quite a show.                            
Do you think the arms merchants will know                   
They've themselves to thank                                 
When their children grow lank,                              
Suffused with a soft bluish glow.                           
                                                            
53147 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Miller              



"Millions killed, millions maimed and dismembered;          
Cities blazing, homes burned, charred and embered.          
And you do it because                                       
You must all serve the cause...                             
(If indeed it is ever remembered.)                          
                                                            
53148 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Miller              



"With luck then the conflict will spread                    
Until every last human is dead.                             
Then it won't be a sin                                      
To quickly move in...                                       
Or maybe cockroaches instead.                               
                                                            
53149 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Miller              



"Oh, I do think you're so very clever!                      
I knew you were smart but I never                           
Did quite realize                                           
You could sterilize,                                        
Cleansing your own world forever.                           
                                                            
53150 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Miller              



It's so hard to sit here and watch 'em,                     
As their missile launchers, they notch 'em.                 
They'll leave a huge dent                                   
In their subcontinent,                                      
If we don't pray Dona Nobis Pacem!                          
                                                            
53151 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Irish                    



India thinks the A-bomb's just swell.                       
With Pakistan this does not sit well.                       
While the world said no,                                    
They decided to show                                        
That they can blow each other to Hell.                      
                                                            
53152 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              FB                       



Pakistan matches their Indian brothers                      
In the bomb race that some would smother.                   
But I think it's good;                                      
It should be understood;                                    
It's less likely they'll attack each other.                 
                                                            
53153 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Puff Adder               



It seems that our leaders deplore                           
The threat from the power plant core.                       
So they build in devices                                    
For preventing the crisis,                                  
While preparing for nuclear war.                            
                                                            
53154 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Albin Chaplin   3024-2539



"I married her just for a lark,"                            
This Russian was heard to remark.                           
"Now she's my wife                                          
And delight of my life;                                     
Since Chernobyl, she glows in the dark."                    
                                                            
53155 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Jay Marshall        P8607



A babe met a guy from Wyomium,                              
Whose jewels were made out of plutonium.                    
While getting some ass,                                     
They reached critical mass;                                 
She lamented, "I should have just blownium!"                
                                                            
53156 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              John Griffin             



Her lips were now made of uranium,                          
And with them, she drove him insanium.                      
Like nuclear fission,                                       
She caused an emission,                                     
And a meltdown occurred in his branium.                     
                                                            
53157 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Kaylin                   



There was a professor of Chatham                            
Who had an affair with an atom.                             
The result of coition                                       
Was nuclear fission...                                      
There was a profesor of Chatham.                            
                                                            
53158 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Hugh Oliver           68a



A scientist working in Greece                               
A wondrous report did release.                              
He developed at last                                        
A big bomb with a blast                                     
So great, it was used just for peace.                       
                                                            
53159 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR              Albin Chaplin   3024-2605



Photons in pairs have a quality                             
With no regard for reality,                                 
When on paths that don't meet,                              
They non-locally beat,                                      
Testing a Bell inequality.                                  
                                                            
53160 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Michael Reck             



An optic professor named Mullers                            
Revealed to his class over crullers,                        
"By shooting my gism                                        
All over the prism,                                         
I can come in the primary colors."                          
                                                            
53161 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Steve                    



Dr. Young was having a fit.                                 
His optics had developed a slit.                            
"My grant will not pay,                                     
So I'll use it this way."                                   
And you know the rest of this bit.                          
                                                            
53162 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Devlin Gualtieri         



An astronomer's swift limousine,                            
Went through a red light in Racine.                         
He was going so fast,                                       
That the light which he passed,                             
Through the Doppler effect, showed as green.                
                                                            
53163 PHYSICS - OPTICS                                        



The astronomer's face shifted green                         
When he passed the red light in Racine.                     
'Twas a light on the door                                   
Of the house of a whore,                                    
Replaced by that fucking machine.                           
                                                            
53164 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Neal Wilgus         P8211



There was a young atom in Hell                              
With a vacancy in an inner shell.                           
An electron high above                                      
In his heavenly love,                                       
Saw the hole, and in it he fell.                            
                                                            
53165 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Bunnar Tibell            



There was a young lassie named Laser,                       
Who never let problems dephase her.                         
Never yielding coherence,                                   
She kept up her appearance                                  
By wearing a ruby red blazer.                               
                                                            
53166 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Frank Moser              



Relativity tells us that light                              
Has a speed firmly fixed.  That's all right                 
From dawn until evening,                                    
But who is believing                                        
That the law can apply in the night?                        
                                                            
53167 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Stanley Bashkin          



A man grinding lenses in Guelph                             
Reached up for some tools on the shelf.                     
He fell down between                                        
The lens-grinding machine,                                  
And a spectacle made of himself.                            
                                                            
53168 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2608



To Michelson and E. W. Morley                               
Their theory explained rather poorly                        
Why the first beam, of light                                
Reached their eyepiece all right,                           
But the next one arrived just as early.                     
                                                            
53169 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Daniel Koon              



The multiport is a thing nefarious.                         
The ways of construction are various.                       
With phases and mirrors,                                    
Bewaring of errors,                                         
The setups we build are precarious.                         
                                                            
53170 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Michael Reck             



The experiment of Michelson and Morley                      
Allows us to say, very surely,                              
"If this ether is real,                                     
It has no appeal,                                           
And show itself off rather poorly."                         
                                                            
53171 PHYSICS - OPTICS               David Morin et al        



The physics of optical fibers                               
Presents us with effects diverse,                           
That will pulses reshape,                                   
Interference unmake,                                        
With components that light does disperse.                   
                                                            
53172 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Michael Reck             



Is light a particle or wave?                                
Corpuscular it seems to behave.                             
But through a double slit,                                  
Interference does its bit,                                  
Demonstrating that photons do quave.                        
                                                            
53173 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Chris Matthews           



A young child looked up in the sky,                         
And said, "It's so blue, Mom, but why?"                     
You see, blue scatters more                                 
(There's this power of 4),                                  
So it rarely comes straight to your eye.                    
                                                            
53174 PHYSICS - OPTICS               David Morin et al        



The sky has a beautiful hue;                                
To scattering of light, it is due.                          
Long wavelengths like red,                                  
Through air go unbled,                                      
Leaving us seeing the blue.                                 
                                                            
53175 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Chris Matthews           



There once was a quantum optician                           
Embarked on a ludicrous mission.                            
His goal was to show                                        
That all photons are slow,                                  
In spite of their massless condition.                       
                                                            
53176 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Mike Lubell              



A grating can lead to a blur                                
When its lines cause some ghosts to occur.                  
It showed wriggles and bumps                                
And then also some lumps,                                   
But reviewers have yet to concur.                           
(Novel soliton solutions in Rowland ghost gaps)             
53177 PHYSICS - OPTICS                                        



If you'll just add dE by dt                                 
And combine equations, you'll see                           
That waves a la Hertz                                       
And photons, in spurts,                                     
Both travel with speed equal c.                             
                                                            
53178 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Roy B Maxwell            



A splitter for three is a tritter;                          
In labs it's a popular critter.                             
A quarter is four                                           
And the device for more:                                    
The splitter for five is a quitter.                         
                                                            
53179 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Anon                     



There was a young lady of Crewe,                            
Whose eyes were excessively blue;                           
So she got an old fellow                                    
To rub them with yellow,                                    
And so they turned green, which is true.                    
                                                            
53180 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Punch 1863        (Bibby)



There's a program on our radio,                             
That's trying quite vainly to show                          
How all of these part-                                      
Icles eat sleep and fart,                                   
I'm lost though, and all that I know...                     
                                                            
53181 PHYSICS - OPTICS                                        



Some bloke squirted jizz through two slits,                 
To find what comes first, and it's                          
A damned fruitless hunt,                                    
'Cause if you've got two cunts,                             
Then sure as hell, somewhere's four tits.                   
                                                            
53182 PHYSICS - OPTICS                                        



Two slits were wide open, you see.                          
But no photons would land here on me.                       
When they shut down one slit,                               
I received quite a bit.                                     
Well now, how could that possibly be?                       
                                                            
53183 PHYSICS - OPTICS               William Rolnick          



Have you heard of the latest resort,                        
Where UV rays aren't cut short?                             
The Great Ozone Hole                                        
Down at the South Pole.                                     
You can tan while the penquins cavort!                      
                                                            
53184 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Barbara Levi             



X-ray lasers may calm public fears,                         
But if tests of Excalibur spears                            
Are successful, some claim,                                 
At what do they aim?                                        
The missles or Senator's ears?                              
(For Roy Woodward APS Szilard award 1993)                   
53185 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Barbara Levi             



Now SDI never made sense.                                   
(Not to mention its soaring expense)                        
With Kurt in the lead,                                      
Have we now Gott_fried                                      
Of such foolish plans for defense.                          
(For Kurt Gottfried APS Szilard award 1992)                 
53186 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Barbara Levi             



An X-ray shot out on a tear;                                
Took off for a crystal quite bare.                          
It wasn't the plasticity                                    
But that darn periodicity,                                  
That reduced its mood to dispair.                           
                                                            
53187 PHYSICS - OPTICS               Robert Resnick           



Delta and Sigma, Omega and Psi,                             
Particle physics still can't find the key.                  
The 'J' notwithstanding,                                    
I lack understanding,                                       
'Cause somehow it's all Greek to me!                        
                                                            
53188 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Irving J Bigio           



Anti-matter will travel content                             
Throughout space and will cause no event.                   
But on meeting with matter,                                 
It creates such a splatter,                                 
That one asks, not what came, but what went.                
                                                            
53189 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Albin Chaplin 3024  P9708



That beauty ain't truth, we now know.                       
And yes, truth isn't beauty, but lo,                        
Although they're quite rare,                                
Those two do form a pair.                                   
And by "bottom" and "top", they now go.                     
                                                            
53190 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             William Rolnick          



Another most keenly observed                                
And for which much acclaim is deserved,                     
We can easily see                                           
That for each symmetry,                                     
A quantity must be conserved.                               
                                                            
53191 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             David Morin              



There was a young spaceman named Gene                       
Who left Earth, never more to be seen.                      
At a point out in space,                                    
He essayed the embrace                                      
Of a girl who was contra-terrene.                           
                                                            
53192 PHYSICS - PARTICLE                                 G2611



When a smart little wave named Swoom                        
Found a particle up in her room,                            
She remembered DeBroglie                                    
And the Scriptures so holy:                                 
Duality, depression and gloom.                              
                                                            
53193 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Robert Resnick           



An electron, while traveling in space,                      
Met a positron there "face-to-face."                        
The electron then sighed                                    
At the sight of his bride,                                  
And they "died" in a loving embrace.                        
                                                            
53194 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             William Rolnick    PR9703



An electron is sure hard to please.                         
When spread out, it sometimes will freeze.                  
Though agoraphobic,                                         
It's still claustrophobic,                                  
And runs off when put in a squeeze.                         
                                                            
53195 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             David Morin et al  PR9703



To Faraday, e was inducible,                                
Equations were almost reducible.                            
Then out of a hole                                          
A fast monopole                                             
Gave measurements irreproducible.                           
                                                            
53196 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             I. Joan Lorch       P9802



The gravitron's something unique;                           
A particle many would seek.                                 
To Earth we are stuck,                                      
It seems more by luck,                                      
For its coupling's exceedingly weak.                        
                                                            
53197 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Bruce Elliot             



When God said, "Let the Higgs be!"                          
He gave it but slight energy.                               
He said, "You grow thinner,                                 
You must have some dinner."                                 
So it ate up some W and Z.                                  
                                                            
53198 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             David Morin et al        



While bemused by my whirling screen saver,                  
I imagined a new lepton flavor.                             
But I'll yet make my mark                                   
With a higher top quark,                                    
Or an anyon bigger and braver.                              
                                                            
53199 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Peter Price              



Newton was really the thing;                                
A perspective his theory did bring,                         
And Einstein did more,                                      
And ran up the score,                                       
But these days, they say it's just string.                  
                                                            
53200 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Michelle                 



A meson decending in flight                                 
Was veering first left and then right.                      
So brisk was its action                                     
That the Lorentz contraction                                
Made quite an indelible sight.                              
                                                            
53201 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Robert Resnick           



There once was a hard gamma ray                             
And a nucleus it forced to decay.                           
The resultant bambino                                       
Was called the neutrino,                                    
Which hasn't been seen to this day.                         
(But does it have mass?  No weigh!)                         
53202 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Robert Resnick           



Why don't we see more SNU's?                                
For years, it's been something to muse.                     
Though Gallex sees more,                                    
It's still a low score.                                     
Can electron's neutrinos be mu's?                           
                                                            
53203 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Barbara Levi             



Fermi called the small bugger neutrino,                     
After maybe a bit too much vino.                            
I hate to be crass,                                         
But whatever its mass,                                      
It's still way too small to be seen-o.                      
                                                            
53204 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Daniel Koon              



From the Sun's core, a neutrino flew                        
Saying, "I've got the Earth to go through.                  
Then I'll reach Super-K                                     
But while on the way,                                       
I just might turn into a mu."                               
                                                            
53205 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             David Halliday           



In caverns deep under the ground,                           
They sniff SNU's like bloodhounds.                          
But maybe their prey                                        
Can change 'long the way,                                   
And sneak by without being found.                           
(SNU - solar neutrino unit)                                 
53206 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Barbara Levi             



The poet, J. Alfred Neutrino,                               
Who subsisted sublimely on vino,                            
With a spin of one-half,                                    
Wrote his own epitaph:                                      
"No rest mass, no charge, no bambino."                      
(neutrinos now have rest mass in 1998)                      
53207 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Random Walk in Science   



A fertility freak from Grand Forks,                         
Invented a nuclear dork.                                    
But his buyers expired,                                     
Melted down with desire,                                    
And alas! They could only come quarks.                      
                                                            
53208 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Santork                  



The Particle Physics morass                                 
Is stuck on the problem of mass.                            
If Higgs can be found,                                      
We'll all come around.                                      
Till then it's a pain in the ass.                           
                                                            
53209 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Bruce Elliot             



Delta, Sigma, Omega, and Psi,                               
Particle physics still can't find the key.                  
"Parts is parts" they proclaim,    (The J notwithstanding,) 
Find just one: find your fame.      (I lack understanding,) 
Yet somehow it's all greek to me!                           
                                                            
53210 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Irving J Bigio           



Two photons, close-coupled at start,                        
Flew several parsecs apart.                                 
Said one in distress,                                       
"What you're forced to express,                             
Removes any choice on my part."                             
                                                            
53211 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             David Halliday     PR9703



A physicist grumbled one day,                               
"These protons don't seem to decay.                         
We once had high hopes,                                     
But we now feel like dopes,                                 
For those darn things -- they just seem to stay."           
                                                            
53212 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Kay R Devicci            



A physicist, almost in tears,                               
Said, "A proton, it seems, disappears.                      
The GUT's say                                               
That it should decay                                        
In ten to the thirty-one years.                             
                                                            
53213 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Kay R Devicci            



Hadrons, leptons, bosons, too,                              
Are members of our little zoo.                              
Though in their stalls                                      
As little balls,                                            
They're really clouds of quantum goo.                       
                                                            
53214 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Devlin Gualtieri         



'Tis a foolhardy thing to embark                            
On a quest for an authentic quark.                          
The genuine article                                         
Is a very small particle                                    
And only goes out after dark.                               
                                                            
53215 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Ms. Ira Gardner-Smith    



When we physicists talk about quarks,                       
And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"                
We shouldn't be stunned                                     
When Congress won't fund                                    
Our big projects -- they think we are dorks.                
                                                            
53216 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Kay R. Devicci     PR9703



I haven't a clue why the quark                              
Is like a subliminal spark,                                 
Setting ablaze                                              
A miniture maze                                             
Of particles out on a lark.                                 
                                                            
53217 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Timothy Torkildson       



We looked up and down, high and low,                        
For the quark whose strange mass we don't know.             
Oh, charm please don't fail;                                
The bottommost tail                                         
Of top's mass is starting to show!                          
                                                            
53218 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Barbara Levi             



"The quark's a mysterious fellow!"                          
My advisor was oft prone to bellow,                         
"It's red, blue, or green,                                  
(Though it's never been seen,)                              
And certainly couldn't be yellow."                          
                                                            
53219 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Bruce Elliot             



It is said with a smidgen of insolence,                     
That one particle is known just by inference.               
We could see this small honey                               
If we had lots of money,                                    
But we won't make a particle of difference.                 
                                                            
53220 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Stanley Bashkin          



"Their three colors are red, white, and blue,"              
The professor said over a brew.                             
A drunk student objected,                                   
"That's not been detected!                                  
And without any proof, I say screw!"                        
                                                            
53221 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Mike Lubell              



When physicists misuse their brains                         
To give particles whimsical names,                          
Most folks think we're liable                               
To be certifiable                                           
And they don't want to fund our mad games.                  
                                                            
53222 PHYSICS - PARTICLE             Kay R Devicci            



On one dark and thunderous morn,                            
Ben Franklin went out in the storm,                         
Tied a kite to his dick,                                    
For a lightning spark's kick,                               
Alas though, it frazzled his horn.                          
                                                            
53223 PHYSICS - PEOPLE                                        



UFO's and psychic emanations,                               
EMF and cow mutilations;                                    
The TV is awash                                             
With reports of goulash                                     
Teleported to distant locations.                            
                                                            
53224 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Karen Lingel             



Some people believe in such junk --                         
Stuff that anyone smart can debunk.                         
But will anyone listen?                                     
No! Their brains are out fishin';                           
I think I'll go out and get drunk.                          
                                                            
53225 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Karen Lingel             



Albert Einstein from his Princeton lair                     
Said, "There are some things I cannot bear.                 
I'll hear no more prating                                   
Re: approximating                                           
That e almost = m c square."                                
                                                            
53226 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9707



Newton was really the thing;                                
A perspective his theory did bring.                         
And Einstein, with awe,                                     
A unity he saw,                                             
But these days they say it's just string.                   
                                                            
53227 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Michelle                 



When Fermi to Chicago came,                                 
He did something that brought him great fame.               
By mixing atoms of C and U,                                 
Went critical right on cue,                                 
And the world will never be the same.                       
                                                            
53228 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Carl A Benz              



As the pile multiplied on the grid,                         
Fermi's pocket slide rule slid.                             
K-factors more than one,                                    
Were new under the sun.                                     
And Fission was no longer hid.                              
                                                            
53229 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Carl A Benz              



Ernst Mach found himself in Nantucket,                      
Where water, he spun in a bucket.                           
He said with a grin                                         
As he wiped off his chin,                                   
"My, how those distant starts suck it!"                     
                                                            
53230 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               David Morin et al        



Some fear physics these days is contractive,                
Yet complexity keeps the field active.                      
Feigenbaum is chaotic,                                      
Mandelbrot most erotic,                                     
And I find them strangely attractive.                       
                                                            
53231 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Irving J Bigio           



What would you have thought, Galileo,                       
If instead you dropped cows and said Oh!                    
To lessen the sound                                         
Of the moos from the ground,                                
They should fall, not through air, but through mayo.        
                                                            
53232 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               David Morin              



As he viewed the apple plantation,                          
Newton just stared in contemplation.                        
No-one's surprised                                          
He'd not realized                                           
The GRAVITY of the situation.                               
                                                            
53233 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Kitten                   



Said Heisenberg one day to his son,                         
"My principle's not a hard one.                             
Measuring x is an ease,                                     
Finding p is a breeze,                                      
But determining both can't be done."                        
                                                            
53234 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Chris Matthews           



A quantum mechanic's vacation                               
Has his colleagues in dire consternation.                   
For while studies had shown                                 
That his speed was well known,                              
His position was pure speculation.                          
                                                            
53235 PHYSICS - PEOPLE                                        



There once was a man who said "Damn!                        
I can't possible be in this tram.                           
For how can I know                                          
Both how fast that I go                                     
And also the place where I am."                             
                                                            
53236 PHYSICS - PEOPLE                                        



Tom E. Quation, physicist true                              
Liked to derive when he would screw.                        
Each night as he came,                                      
He was heard to exclaim                                     
"My God! What a glorious proof!"                            
                                                            
53237 PHYSICS - PEOPLE                                        



Though Sir James (God's-a-formula) Jeans                    
Holds the view that the stars are machines,                 
He admits that behind                                       
The machine is a Mind --                                    
Or a Minder apparelled in Jeans?                            
                                                            
53238 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               R J P Hewison            



Said philosopher-physicist Jeans:                           
"How many or few are five beans?                            
Friend Einstein says four,                                  
Five, six, or more,                                         
But I'm blowed if I know what he means."                    
                                                            
53239 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               R C Owen                 



"I'm English!" he said with a scowl.                        
"My name, I should think, would be 'Joule',                 
And yet as a rule                                           
I must answer to 'Joule'                                    
Confound that ambiguous vow'll!"                            
                                                            
53240 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Edward H. Green          



An equal of Gordon was Klein,                               
And his work was equally fine.                              
But, lo, what a fate,                                       
For in physics of late,                                     
His name is replaced by a sine!                             
                                                            
53241 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Devlin Gualtieri         



As principles go, Murphy's rules;                           
For that which is warm, of course, cools.                   
For Entropy's laws                                          
Remind us that flaws                                        
Can often be found in bright jewels.                        
                                                            
53242 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Matthew Montchalin       



The brightest success will not last,                        
For that which will move will be classed                    
As gradually stopping,                                      
And things that are topping                                 
Will find themselves bottomed out fast.                     
                                                            
53243 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Matthew Montchalin       



The jolt in a bolt is directly                              
Proportional to how correctly                               
One needs the outcome;                                      
Now don't be too glum --                                    
It can't be predicted perfectly.                            
                                                            
53244 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Matthew Montchalin       



On a tropical beach walked Niels Bohr,                      
Transfixed by the waves flowing pure.                       
Then he looked at the sand,                                 
And thought it quite grand,                                 
How those waves met the grains at the shore.                
                                                            
53245 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               David Morin et al        



Co-ed dated her physics professor,                          
Who proceeded at once to undress her.                       
When she patted his erection,                               
The angle of deflection                                     
Proved him rigid enough to impress her.                     
                                                            
53246 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A young physicist named Bill Schnieder                      
Had a wife, but he couldn't abider.                         
This frustated schmuk                                       
Ran completely amuck,                                       
And buggered the super collider.                            
                                                            
53247 PHYSICS - PEOPLE                                        



Writing with a cramp in my finger,                          
References include Schroedinger,                            
Einstein and Podolsky,                                      
Rosen come Sukowski,                                        
With Greenberger, Horne, and Zeilinger.                     
                                                            
53248 PHYSICS - PEOPLE               Michael Reck             



Though Einstein's equations were firm,                      
There was one thing that did make him squirm.               
A cosmos expandable                                         
Was not understandable,                                     
So he added that ill-fated term.                            
                                                            
53249 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    David Morin              



There once was a man with strange hair;                     
He said, "Other than physics, don't care."                  
He sat down with a book,                                    
And had a long look,                                        
When he realized that E = mc square.                        
                                                            
53250 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Sarah Antel              



Albert Einstein's the man we must credit                    
For being the man who first said it.                        
The name of the game                                        
That brought him his fame                                   
Was E = mc squared - Get it?                                
                                                            
53251 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Stanley J. Sharpless     



Said Einstein, "I have an equation                          
Which science might call Rabelaisian.                       
Let P be virginity                                          
Approaching infinity,                                       
And U be a constant, persuasion.                            
                                                            
53252 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN                        L1415



"Now if P over U be inverted,                               
And the square root of U be inserted,                       
X times over P,                                             
The result, Q.E.D.                                          
Is a relative," Einstein asserted.                          
                                                            
53253 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN                        L1416



When Einstein said without doubt,                           
By this time he had the most clout,                         
Wrote FDR a letter,                                         
The atom is better,                                         
But I'm just a high school dropout.                         
                                                            
53254 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Carl A Benz              



Tried to fuck at the speed of the light,                    
But it was such a big, hopeless fight.                      
Could not move my hips                                      
And have now come to grips                                  
With the fact that old Einstein was right.                  
                                                            
53255 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Dirruk                   



The faster-than-light speed quorem,                         
Einstein shot holes in that theorem.                        
You'd have infinite extension                               
Of erectile dimension                                       
And the ladies won't let that thing near 'em.               
                                                            
53256 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    MrMalo                   



It would also have infinite mass                            
And a warping of space come to pass.                        
As the universe closes                                      
You'd find your own hose is                                 
Coming 'round to fuck you in the ass.                       
                                                            
53257 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    MrMalo                   



Can the sun, squirting light by the ton,                    
Attract light from a more distant sun?                      
They took up the scent,                                     
And found the light bent.                                   
Einstein had skeptics on the run!                           
                                                            
53258 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Carl A Benz              



That patent clerk -- Al what's-his-name --                  
Told us energy and mass are the same.                       
To make matters worse,                                      
He said, (not in verse)                                     
There is no preferred reference frame.                      
                                                            
53259 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Daniel Koon              



Einstein sat all night awake.                               
"These equations are so hard to make!                       
With a wave of my hands,                                    
The Universe expands,                                       
But Omega still puts on the brake."                         
                                                            
53260 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Devlin Gualtieri         



"Electrons all jumbled like rice?"                          
Quoth Einstein, "That's too high a price."                  
In reply, answered God,                                     
"Well I don't find it odd.                                  
So shut up and let me play dice."                           
                                                            
53261 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Bruce Baskir             



Of the many effects miscellaneous,                          
The loss of events, simultaneous,                           
Allows A to claim                                           
There's no pause in B's frame,                              
Where this last line is not so extraneous.                  
                                                            
53262 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    David Morin              



As Einstein explored elevators                              
And studied the spinning ice skaters,                       
He eyed as suspicious,                                      
The forces, ficticious,                                     
Of gravity's great imitators.                               
                                                            
53263 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    David Morin              



Einstein was known for creativity,                          
And replied, when asked about gravity,                      
"Energy is mass multiplied                                  
By the square of the speed of light;                        
I call it my Theory of Relativity.                          
                                                            
53264 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN    Tom Campbell             



When Newton sat under the tree,                             
An apple above him, broke free.                             
A Golden Delicious,                                         
It struck him quite vicious.                                
I'm glad it was him and not me.                             
                                                            
53265 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Richard Long             



Newton said as he gazed off afar,                           
"From here to the most distant star,                        
The wonderous ellipses                                      
And solar eclipses                                          
All come from a 1 over r."                                  
                                                            
53266 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      David Morin et al        



One day, legend says, Isaac Newton                          
Came a-runnin', a-hollerin', and a-hootin'.                 
He was a-rubbin' his head,                                  
And a-wishin' instead                                       
Of an apple, he'd picked a rambuten.                        
(rambuten - a liche-like fruit)                             
53267 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      David Morin et al        



A ballistical student named Rafferty,                       
Went down to the Gentlemen's Laffertry.                     
When the walls met his sight,                               
He said, "Newton was right.                                 
This must be the center of graffiti."                       
                                                            
53268 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      D H Cudmore         G2727



Newton looked at the data, numerical,                       
And them made observations, empirical.                      
He said, "But of course,                                    
We get the same force                                       
From a point mass and something that's spherical.           
                                                            
53269 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      David Morin              



There was a young man of Khartoum,                          
The strength of whose balls was his doom.                   
So strong was his shootin',                                 
The Third Law of Newton                                     
Propelled the poor chap to the moon.                        
                                                            
53270 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON                          G2607



A calculus fit to compute on,                               
White light, and a head to drop fruit on,                   
A mind to absorb it,                                        
And soar into orbit.                                        
That's all that it takes to be Newton.                      
                                                            
53271 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Gina Berkeley            



While eating that apple he bit,                             
Great Newton decided that it                                
Should be thrown straight up.                               
And then with some luck,                                    
Might fall somewhere else where he sit.                     
                                                            
53272 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Matthew Montchalin       



For that which must rise must soon fall;                    
A principle applying to all.                                
That apples plus distance                                   
Give rise to resistance,                                    
Because, badly beaned, you will crawl.                      
                                                            
53273 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Matthew Montchalin       



But note that the opposite's true,                          
That returning the apple that grew                          
To the branch that had lost it,                             
Depends not on who tossed it,                               
But on the tree and the distance it flew.                   
                                                            
53274 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Matthew Montchalin       



And branches not low, but quite high,                       
Make distances hard to defy.                                
But those that are low,                                     
One reaches just so,                                        
Without climbing so far as to die.                          
                                                            
53275 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Matthew Montchalin       



'Neath the tree Newton lay on the green                     
And an apple fell down on his bean.                         
Came the question protracted:                               
Was the apple attracted,                                    
Or pushed by some forces unseen?                            
                                                            
53276 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Albin Chaplin       P9207



Through a prism looked Newton, at light.                    
The spectrum was a curious sight.                           
"This light isn't stained,"                                 
Sir Isaac explained,                                        
"For when recombined, it is white!"                         
                                                            
53277 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Chris Matthews           



The first law of Newton I sing;                             
My voice has a relevant ring:                               
"An object left free                                        
Of hassles will be                                          
Engrossed in just doing its thing."                         
                                                            
53278 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Edward H. Green    PR9603



An intrepid young student named Raleigh                     
Deserted a fast moving trolley                              
To discover a flaw                                          
In Newton's first law,                                      
But this efforts were folly, by golly.                      
                                                            
53279 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      J Reimer                 



Newton's Fourth Law Of Motion:                              
That bodies is regular motion                               
Quadruple their speed                                       
When approaching the need                                   
For a multi-orgasmic explosion.                             
                                                            
53280 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON      Peter Wilkins            



Weightless astronauts getting some action,                  
Were frustrated losing their traction,                      
Thus proving for all                                        
Robert Newton's Third Law                                   
Of the equal opposing reaction.                             
                                                            
53281 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON                               



A spaceman and girl in free fall                            
Obeyed the progenitive call.                                
But Newton's Third Rule                                     
Grabbed hold of his tool,                                   
And shot him across to the wall.                            
                                                            
53282 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON                          G2597



Old Mrs Thomas's friend                                     
Had a radioactive bell-end;                                 
He stuck it up Millie                                       
Who lit up Caerphilly,                                      
And blew all the lights in Bridgend!                        
                                                            
53283 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Jim Weaver Collection    



The radiation was a small oversight,                        
And Jake died on the nuclear site.                          
To the morticians, his wife said,                           
"Let me take him home instead.                              
He can still keep me warm on cold nights!"                  
                                                            
53284 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Laurence Craft           



For experimental results the world waited                   
On a cloth that was C-14 dated.                             
Disproving Turin's shroud                                   
Made atheists proud,                                        
But they still must explain how we're created.              
                                                            
53285 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE                                   



A Neanderthal teacher named Fred                            
Died in his cave in his bed.                                
When his C-14's taken,                                      
Its half-life was mistaken,                                 
For it proved he was living, not dead.                      
                                                            
53286 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE                                   



An atom that came from the tap                              
Had electrons all over its map.                             
But in its interstices                                      
Lurked a far worse disease:                                 
Decay and a permanent zap.                                  
                                                            
53287 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Robert Resnick           



A proton once said, "I'll fulfill                           
My long-term belief in free will.                           
Though theorists (may) say                                  
That I ought to decay,                                      
I'm damned if I think that I will."                         
                                                            
53288 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          David Halliday     PR9703



If Albert Einstein hadn't cared,                            
Or maybe even hadn't dared,                                 
To tell us so,                                              
We never would know                                         
That E equals M times C squared.                            
                                                            
53289 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Richard Long             



By mistake (in his lunch) Freddy Mears                      
Ate radium and died with his fears.                         
But the point about Fred,                                   
Is now that he's dead,                                      
His half-life--sixteen hundred years!                       
                                                            
53290 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Keith Johnson       P9204



An electron was spinning around,                            
And moving quite close to the ground.                       
Exotic its rapture                                          
At the thought of K-capture,                                
Conceiving a brand new compound.                            
                                                            
53291 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Robert Resnick           



The nuclear expert, no doubt,                               
Was blessed with an extra long spout.                       
When at work or at sports,                                  
He never wears shorts,                                      
'Cause he's always on guard 'gainst fall-out.               
                                                            
53292 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



Rimmey visited Trinity Site                                 
Which made him recall with delight:                         
"Sneaking in was a task                                     
But 'twas worth it to bask                                  
In hard radiation all night."                               
                                                            
53293 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          John Miller              



Many people that day were uneasy;                           
That the world would go "Bang" made them queasy.            
But they set the thing off                                  
So the scoffers could scoff,                                
And beating the Japs became easy.                           
                                                            
53294 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          John Miller              



But of course that task wasn't the end;                     
You humans just swapped foe and friend.                     
Finding plausible ploys                                     
To build deadlier toys,                                     
And the government more ways to spend.                      
                                                            
53295 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          John Miller              



A mother from Seascale called Pipper                        
Found some nuclear waste in a kipper.                       
When she told them she'd found it,                          
They said, "Eat around it,                                  
And keep it away from the nipper."                          
(Seascale - British nuclear reprocessing plant)             
53296 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE          Michael Palin            



Schroedinger said that a cat                                
Is alive or it's dead, and that's that.                     
But Heisenberg said,                                        
"It's alive AND it's dead,                                  
And its state can be seen as a stat."                       
(Scientific American contest 2000)                          
53297 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Caleb Howard             



If you care about animal rights,                            
Consider the horrible plights,                              
Of Schroedinger's cat,                                      
And others like that,                                       
For many long days and long nights.                         
                                                            
53298 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Kay R Devicci            



There's big news of Schroedinger's cat;                     
Lots of fuss is made about that.                            
The cat had a kitten,                                       
And the world is smitten;                                   
We've all got to learn to say SCAT!                         
                                                            
53299 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Carl A Benz              



His cat both dead and alive,                                
'Til Schrodinger's guests would arrive.                     
Then he'd open the box,                                     
And toss in some lox,                                       
And the cat would both lay there and thrive.                
                                                            
53300 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Anon                     



DeBroglie, caught quite unawares,                           
Observed a mixed state of affairs:                          
'Twas Schroedinger's cat                                    
Who quietly sat,                                            
While running away down the stairs.                         
                                                            
53301 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Bruce Elliot             



We all think it's called entanglement,                      
But what we think is not what he meant.                     
The proper translation                                      
Of Schroedinger's equation,                                 
Is more like what's called entwinement.                     
                                                            
53302 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Michael Reck             



I'm asking you, please try to delve this,                   
I'm asking you, please, do not shelve this,                 
Re Schroedinger's cat                                       
Don't you recognize that                                    
It's quite like the status of Elvis????                     
                                                            
53303 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Crosby Lewy              



A physicist looks with this eye,                            
Knowing seeing could make the cat die.                      
Puts the poor cat through hell,                             
Just to get his Nobel,                                      
As her kittens sob, "Mommy, good bye!"                      
                                                            
53304 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Kay R Devicci            



The universe came to a junction                             
When Erwin collapsed his wave function.                     
He lifted the lid                                           
And found that it hid                                       
A pussy in need of Last Unction.                            
(Scientific American contest 2000)                          
53305 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Edward Fagen             



Said the cat in the box, "This is fun.                      
Inside all chances are one.                                 
So there could be a kitten                                  
With whom I am smitten.                                     
Please don't lift the lid till I'm done."                   
                                                            
53306 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Michael Scanlan          



PETA was out in full force,                                 
But not for a dog or a horse.                               
At Schrodinger's place                                      
They pleaded their case                                     
For the sake of his cat, of course.                         
(PETA - ?? ethical treatment of animals)                    
53307 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Devlin Gualtieri   PR9703



We hardly know who we should blame                          
For this Schrodinger's kitty-cat game.                      
If gives the appearence                                     
Of quantum coherence                                        
And NRQM a bad name.                                        
(Nonrelativistic quark model - Sci Amer Contest 2000)       
53308 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    David J Hall             



A quantum mechanic named Twitty,                            
Is trying out "Schroedinger's Kitty."                       
The poor felines await,                                     
To pry open the crate,                                      
Then exalt in great joy -- or great pity.                   
                                                            
53309 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Jonathan P Dowling       



Erwin's tabby cried out to be fed.                          
In a box he confined her instead.                           
Now she sits there and waits                                
In her superposed states,                                   
To find out if she's living or dead.                        
(Erwin Schroedinger)                                        
53310 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Roger Tobin              



Another great Dane has made free                            
With a question of Be or Not Be.                            
Now might Schrodinger's puss                                
In descending by schuss,                                    
Leave one track on each side of a tree?                     
                                                            
53311 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Peter Price        PR9703



If Schroedinger's cat leaps are quantum,                    
Observe we an off-or-an-on tom?                             
To leave's to arrive:                                       
He's both dead and alive                                    
In two places at once, if you want 'em.                     
                                                            
53312 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Prof M-G                 



The cats suffer agonized fates --                           
And superposition of states;                                
Not alive or quite dead,                                    
Something ghoulish instead,                                 
Till a measurement ends their long waits.                   
                                                            
53313 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Kay R Devicci            



Copenhagen's view may be correct,                           
In entangling observe and effect.                           
Still it seems to me that                                   
Only Schroedinger's cat                                     
Knows which side of a door to select.                       
                                                            
53314 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT    Peter Price              



A rather small student called Brown,                        
Was asked why he danced up and down.                        
He said, "Look you fools,                                   
It's the air molecules;                                     
They constantly knock me around."                           
                                                            
53315 PHYSICS - SOUND                Physics For You     P9704



There was a strange fellow called Brecht,                   
Whose penis was seldom erect.                               
When his wife heard him humming                             
She knew he was coming,                                     
On account of the Doppler effect.                           
                                                            
53316 PHYSICS - SOUND                                    G2575



Her voice is so high it's absurd.                           
It's so shrill that you can't hear a word.                  
When she has something to say,                              
She starts running away,                                    
So the pitch drops enough to be heard.                      
                                                            
53317 PHYSICS - SOUND                Dave Coble               



A scientist living at Staines,                              
Is searching with infinite pains,                           
For a new type of sound,                                    
Which he hopes, when it's found,                            
Will travel much faster that planes.                        
                                                            
53318 PHYSICS - SOUND                R. J. P. Hewison         



The speed of sound, oft described as MACH,                  
Is source of stress for much of the flock.                  
It's time to relax,                                         
Lie some on our backs                                       
And absorb the strains of J S Bach.                         
                                                            
53319 PHYSICS - SOUND                Daniel Ford              



These days, the ubiquitous db.                              
Reaches corners barely accb.;                               
They say that it wrecks                                     
Many aspects of sex,                                        
With results that are quite inexprb.                        
                                                            
53320 PHYSICS - SOUND                A P Cox                  



These days, the ubiquitous decibel (db.)                    
Reaches corners barely accessible; (accb.)                  
They say that it wrecks                                     
Many aspects of sex,                                        
With results that are quite inexpressible. (inexprb.)       
                                                            
53321 PHYSICS - SOUND                                         



Via the bag of Scots piper McKay,                           
His friends played a joke very sly.                         
Through a slit in the skin                                  
They piped helium in,                                       
So he played a full octave too high.                        
                                                            
53322 PHYSICS - SOUND                Bob Turvey               



He had a self-confidant will,                               
And of Gibbs I have had all my fill.                        
He so glibly asserts                                        
That you do no work,                                        
If your d-volume is equal to nil.                           
                                                            
53323 PHYSICS - THERMO               Kate Jenkins             



A very smart girl name of Sandy,                            
At thermo was really quite handy.                           
Request a phase plot                                        
And more often than not,                                    
Gibbs Phase Rule her modus operandi.                        
                                                            
53324 PHYSICS - THERMO               Tim Hong                 



A lovely student was in pain;                               
Her last result went down the drain.                        
She could not predict                                       
What she was to restrict.                                   
The Gibbs Phase Rule strikes again!                         
                                                            
53325 PHYSICS - THERMO               Raymundo Arroyave        



"Thermo is beautiful," cried he;                            
"Look at Gibb's Phase Rule and see!                         
Our problems 'twill answer;                                 
It can even cure cancer;                                    
Just rememnber to add two and not three."                   
                                                            
53326 PHYSICS - THERMO               Harold Hsiung            



A student from old MIT                                      
Was forced to return her degree,                            
Because she forgot                                          
To construct a phase plot                                   
Using D + F = 2 + C.                                        
                                                            
53327 PHYSICS - THERMO               Craig Carter             



There once was a Carter named Craig.                        
"Learn the Gibbs Phase Rule!", he would beg.                
D + F, it is true,                                          
Equals C + 2;                                               
About that I'm not pulling your leg.                        
                                                            
53328 PHYSICS - THERMO               Heather Fireman          



There once was an old man named Gibbs;                      
All that he said were not fibs.                             
He wrote down a law                                         
Which everyone saw.                                         
The Phase Rule's now painted on cribs.                      
                                                            
53329 PHYSICS - THERMO               Michelle Seitz           



A clueless poor student was Sue,                            
The things that made sense were quite few.                  
But she was no fool                                         
'Cause she knew Gibbs Phase Rule:                           
D plus f equals C plus two.                                 
                                                            
53330 PHYSICS - THERMO               Diana Wu                 



Thermodynamics is hard, I foretold;                         
A challenge but then I was bold.                            
All of Gibbs was exposed                                    
And I heard all proposed.                                   
Confusion is what I behold.                                 
                                                            
53331 PHYSICS - THERMO               Hao Hu                   



Gibbs was born in an ancient time;                          
Alls he had was but one skinny dime.                        
But he found comething cool:                                
It was the Phase Rule;                                      
He celebrated with Tequila and lime.                        
                                                            
53332 PHYSICS - THERMO               Hao Hu                   



The clock in my system appears                              
To be 24 hours in arrears;                                  
Correct it I must,                                          
In a second and trust,                                      
I won't alter the months or the years.                      
                                                            
53333 PHYSICS - TIME                 Peter Wilkins            



Well bugger me silly, I say                                 
In a purely rhetorical way,                                 
I haven't a clue                                            
Why my clock went askew                                     
By some 24 hours and a day.                                 
                                                            
53334 PHYSICS - TIME                 Peter Wilkins            



An Aussie called Sanders once said,                         
"Things are spinning around in my head.                     
For 'down under' the ground,                                
Time's switched around,                                     
So mine should go backward instead!"                        
                                                            
53335 PHYSICS - TIME                                          



When the church bell at six tolled its dirge,               
Easter chicks were all meant to emerge.                     
But there wasn't a peep;                                    
They were all fast asleep;                                  
Changing clocks had killed all waking urge!                 
                                                            
53336 PHYSICS - TIME                 Prof M-G                 



Observe that muons, created,                                
The dilation of time is related                             
To Einstein's insistence                                    
Of shrunken-down distance                                   
In the frame where decays are belated.                      
                                                            
53337 PHYSICS - TIME                 David Morin              



My twin is much younger than I;                             
He's traveled a lot, that is why.                           
If I had the brain,                                         
I'd be glad to explain,                                     
But Einstein I'm not, so why try.                           
                                                            
53338 PHYSICS - TIME                 Edward H Green           



"The order of nature," quoth he,                            
"Is wondrously brought home to me,                          
When I think that my clock                                  
With each tick and each tock                                
Goes two pi the root L over C.                              
                                                            
53339 PHYSICS - TIME                 Linda Marsh Coll         



There once was a pilot in flight                            
Who daringly dashed out of sight.                           
He hit passing gear,                                        
And his front met his rear.                                 
Now he travels more quickly than light!                     
                                                            
53340 PHYSICS - TIME                 Penny Kjelgaard          



Without sounding entirely absurd,                           
From "computer speak" I have observed                       
Time is "digest" or "real."                                 
I protest and still feel                                    
That time's relative.  That's what I've heard.              
                                                            
53341 PHYSICS - TIME                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



During work on his famous equation,                         
He took a break for masturbation.                           
Drip by drip came the goo,                                  
So he reasoned it's due                                     
To the phenomenon of time dilation.                         
                                                            
53342 PHYSICS - TIME                                          



Two thousand, two thousand, two thousan';                   
The whole world wide over carousin'.                        
This ain't just New Year                                    
Or New Century here,                                        
'Cause the third New Millenium now's in!                    
                                                            
53343 PHYSICS - TIME                                          



Said a pupil of Einstein, "It's rotten                      
To find I'd completely forgotten                            
That by living so fast,                                     
All my future's my past,                                    
And I buried before I'm begotten.                           
                                                            
53344 PHYSICS - TIME                 C F Best                 



The effects of dilations of time,                           
Are magical, strange and sublime.                           
In your frame, this verse                                   
Which you see is not terse,                                 
Can be read in the same length of time                      
As another frame for a similar rhyme.                       
53345 PHYSICS - TIME                 David Morin              



A physicist down in Morocco                                 
Discovered, to everyone's shocko,                           
To get time to reverse,                                     
You need just chant a curse,                                
Where instead of "O-Clock" you say "Clock-O."               
                                                            
53346 PHYSICS - TIME                 Nick D Kim               



The pilot said, "Yes, we are late.                          
But we'll make up for our bad fate.                         
If we travel tonight,                                       
Past the speed of light,                                    
We'll arrive before we leave the gate."                     
                                                            
53347 PHYSICS - TIME                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A tachyon, moving quite fast,                               
Was imaginarily-massed;                                     
And thus it decayed                                         
Before it was made,                                         
And traveled from future to past.                           
                                                            
53348 PHYSICS - TIME                 Kay R Devicci            



The future as good as the past,                             
A present that will last and last;                          
Never over the hill,                                        
Time will ever stand still,                                 
Loving act that cannot end too fast.                        
                                                            
53349 PHYSICS - TIME                 Joel D Ash               



In your time machine go to Bombay,                          
On a stage set for grand passion play;                      
Perfumed garden exotic,                                     
Time spent there erotic;                                    
Perhaps you will stay there all day.                        
                                                            
53350 PHYSICS - TIME                 Joel D Ash               



In my time machine, sex is pursued;                         
Every chance in advance is reviewed;                        
Find a boudoir in France,                                   
Circumstance without pants,                                 
Lady craving romance, a night lewd.                         
                                                            
53351 PHYSICS - TIME                 Joel D Ash               



Sultan's harem of timeless delight,                         
Ladies with unfulfilled appetite;                           
The old master is out,                                      
Eunuch nowhere about,                                       
The right time to slip in a night flight.                   
                                                            
53352 PHYSICS - TIME                 Joel D Ash               



These excursions are always so sweet,                       
And it's easy to dial a repeat;                             
Loving Helen of Troy,                                       
Perfect moment of joy,                                      
That's redone till the treat is complete.                   
                                                            
53353 PHYSICS - TIME                 Joel D Ash               



Roman orgy you spot in B.C.,                                
Simply don an old sheet and go see;                         
You can enter the mix,                                      
Do few loving tricks,                                       
Disappear into time when you flee.                          
                                                            
53354 PHYSICS - TIME                 Joel D Ash               



To travel to time's future stations,                        
Great inventors made investigations.                        
But there ain't nothing to it;                              
Any dimwit can do it;                                       
All it takes is a little bit patience.                      
                                                            
53355 PHYSICS - TIME                                          



I had a twin sister Marie,                                  
Who went off at a speed close to c.                         
She came back one day                                       
In a relative way,                                          
And ended up younger than me.                               
                                                            
53356 PHYSICS - TIME                 Kay R Devicci            



My very dear brother from Boulder,                          
I hear that you've gotten much older.                       
And please tell me why                                      
My lower left thigh                                         
Hasn't aged quite as much as my shoulder.                   
                                                            
53357 PHYSICS - TIME                 David Morin              



Mr Wells, in his grand Time Machine,                        
Was smart, young, adventurous and keen.                     
His unresolved flaw                                         
Was he'd broken God's law,                                  
And arrived back in time 'fore he'd been.                   
                                                            
53358 PHYSICS - TIME                 Anon                     



The Barbary pirates and knavery                             
Were synonymous, and their unsavory                         
Reputations were earned                                     
From the cities they burned                                 
And the captives they sold into slavery.                    
                                                            
53359 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



A crusty old pirate named Pete                              
Always kept his intentions discreet.                        
But one day he forayed                                      
And his fleet was betrayed                                  
By his treacherous pet parakeet.                            
                                                            
53360 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Nick D Kim               



Blackbeard the Pirate, while having a piece,                
"The reason I've let my beard length increase --            
I want you to go                                            
And 'Yo-ho-ho-ho,'                                          
When I go below and tickle your knees."                     
                                                            
53361 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8804



The pirate, a horny young stud,                             
Laid a maid in the course of her flood,                     
And remarked, "It's so weird                                
To attack a blackbeard                                      
And then find out you've got Captain Blood."                
                                                            
53362 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



Ed Teach, that old henchman of fate,                        
Had an apetite nothing could sate.                          
Back in old Los Antillos,                                   
His wild peccadilloes                                       
Gave new meaning to 'pieces of eight.'                      
                                                            
53363 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Arthur Deex         P8804



That buccaneer, Captain Ed Teach,                           
Once gunned a girl down on the beach.                       
He gave her a volley                                        
And she exclaimed, "Golly                                   
Your salvo has sundered my breech!"                         
                                                            
53364 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



He followed the winds up to Florider                        
And then took an interior corrider.                         
Came upon a fine lass                                       
Who thought pirates quite crass,                            
But all of the other men bored her.                         
                                                            
53365 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Jim Weaver Collection    



She took one look and said "My!                             
I do like that gleam in his eye.                            
But what I keep wondering                                   
While he is out plundering                                  
Just what's left at home here for I?"                       
                                                            
53366 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a pirate, well known                         
For not taking the crow's nest alone.                       
He slipped once while frigging                              
Way up in the rigging,                                      
And fell, and he broke his best bone.                       
                                                            
53367 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Arrgg              T9707 



Silk importers were prone to complain                       
When bold pirates hijacked them off Spain.                  
Said one merchant named Moss,                               
"I think I'll cut my loss,                                  
Buy a farm and there try to grosgrain."                     
(grosgrain - type of silk-cotton cloth)                     
53368 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Loren Fitzhugh      P9206



Buccaneers, be they ever so bold,                           
With oodles of loot in the hold,                            
When all the food rots                                      
And the men get the trots,                                  
Cannot eat their silver and gold.                           
                                                            
53369 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



--Oh Cap'n -- he declared -- My Cap'n!                      
The poopdeck's not only for crappin'!                       
We'll turn with the tides,                                  
'Til we've come to broadsides;                              
White waves, hard astern, are a-cappin'!                    
                                                            
53370 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Brian Belge              



The Cap'n told cabin-boy Hank,                              
"Quite frankly, my boy, you're a wank.                      
You're hopeless at thuggery,                                
And useless at buggery;                                     
Now go take a jump off this plank.                          
                                                            
53371 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Peter Wilkins            



Captain Avery, who brazenly led                             
His pirates and scattered the dead                          
From Bombay to Jamaica,                                     
In his last days turned Quaker,                             
And died of old age in his bed.                             
                                                            
53372 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



Captain Calico Jack was a demon,                            
A virile he-man among he-men;                               
His many arrangements                                       
For navel engagements,                                      
Lost the old devil lots of his semen.                       
                                                            
53373 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



Two moments in Captain Hook's past;                         
Memories which still leave him aghast.                      
A visit quite vile                                          
From a big crocidile,                                       
And that time he was wiping his ass!                        
                                                            
53374 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         John Chastaine           



There was an old pirate named Hook,                         
Whose foul deeds were writ in a book.                       
At last he walked the plank,                                
And then his ship sank.                                     
'Twas the end of this buccaneer crook.                      
                                                            
53375 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



As the news passed around on the dock,                      
Captain Hook's sad demise caused a shock.                   
It seems that he bled                                       
To death in his bed                                         
From, they claimed, just an itch in his jock.               
                                                            
53376 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



The pirate Kidd buried his treasure                         
With intent to withdraw it at leisure,                      
But it's still in the bank                                  
Of sand where it sank,                                      
And it still repays interest with pleasure.                 
                                                            
53377 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Laurence Perrine    P8804



The pirate Kidd buried his treasure                         
Somewhere in this acre (by measure),                        
And if I persevere                                          
And dig long enough here,                                   
I'll find it -- no kidding -- with pleasure.                
                                                            
53378 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Laurence Perrine    P8804



First, Captain Kidd cried, "All aboard!"                    
Then gave his captives, all, a board,                       
Except the young females.                                   
He knew once under sails,                                   
His crew would soon scream, "All are boared!"               
                                                            
53379 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8804



The captives Kidd cried, "All aboard."                      
Then later gave them all a board.                           
At sea what Kidd would do                                   
To help morale, his crew --                                 
An "overboard when all are bored.                           
                                                            
53380 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8511



Captain Kidd told his crew he forbid                        
Two nicknames he'd always kept hid --                       
Oscar and Ulysses --                                        
Were namesakes of sissies                                   
And worse to be tagged O. U. Kidd.                          
                                                            
53381 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



On all pirate vessels the crews                             
Have a powerful craving for booze.                          
It is their holy water                                      
For blessing or slaughter,                                  
And they drink it from tankard or cruse.                    
(cruse - a small vessel for holding liquid)                 
53382 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Laurence Perrine    P8804



The pirate can't stand his damn parrot --                   
The fool thing got drunk on some claret.                    
Stuffed it down his pants                                   
Where it started to dance.                                  
It surely does tickle his ferret!                           
                                                            
53383 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Marlene Lewis            



Ashore, if not locked up in prison,                         
Pirates tended to be quite bedizen.                         
In spectacular ways                                         
They made up for dull days                                  
When excitement and pleasure were mizzen.                   
(bedizen - to dress gaudily and vulgarly)                   
53384 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Ann Gasser          P8804



There was an old pirate named Charlie                       
Who tooled about on a Harley.                               
He was tough as ten men                                     
And meaner than sin,                                        
And even his parrot was snarly.                             
                                                            
53385 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Cyber Geezer             



Two pirate captain weirdos,                                 
Fatima and Pissgums, were foes.                             
Her lesbian band                                            
From cook to deckhand,                                      
USEe looking to bring Piss to blows.                        
                                                            
53386 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         H WHELCHEL               



Pissgums drank grog with a fizz,                            
And sometimes a shot of ripe jizz.                          
"Mates, if you're hung,                                     
Come rinse off my tongue!"                                  
He'd shout 'fore his crew took a whiz.                      
                                                            
53387 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         H WHELCHEL               



Captain Fatima, the dyke,                                   
Tried a preemptive first strike.                            
She grappled his ship;                                      
He grappled her nip;                                        
She nailed down his crank with a pike.                      
                                                            
53388 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         H WHELCHEL               



A bloody and fierce rendezvous,                             
The dykes and the perverts hove-to.                         
Their cutlasses strew                                       
Small chunks of each crew,                                  
Some colored with blood and tattoo.                         
                                                            
53389 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         H WHELCHEL               



The helmsman got rations of grief                           
When dykes got ahold of his beef.                           
He screamed for his mummy                                   
And emptied his tummy,                                      
And steered his way onto a reef.                            
                                                            
53390 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         H Whelchel               



Piss bit Fatima's right lip --                              
She bit his choad on the tip.                               
He got a good rise,                                         
But to their demise,                                        
Both soon went down with the ship.                          
                                                            
53391 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         H WHELCHEL               



When the privateer Drake long ago                           
Caught a Spaniard, he'd say to him, "Show                   
Where it says in the Bible                                  
That a Christian is liable                                  
To having to kiss the Pope's toe."                          
                                                            
53392 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Don Moore           P9312



Those pirates were all hale and hearty,                     
And they throw one hell of a party.                         
They stay drunk for a week,                                 
And the havoc they wreak,                                   
Would offend a fine lass like our Marty.                    
                                                            
53393 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Jeanie                   



But I took it all in my stride,                             
And partied till I was glassy-eyed.                         
Then a one-legged chap                                      
Took a shit in my lap,                                      
And that made me finally decide.                            
                                                            
53394 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Jeanie                   



A pirate relentless and cold,                               
Captain Singleton, finally told                             
Defoe of his strife                                         
And earned more from his life                               
Than all of the loot that he'd sold.                        
                                                            
53395 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



Henry Morgan had more than a measure                        
Of perversity, and at his leisure                           
Made maps to his humor                                      
To encourage the rumor                                      
That he'd left buried loot and rich treasure.               
                                                            
53396 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



A tubercular pirate named Duncan                            
Had a body all shriveled and shrunken.                      
His wife called him Treasure                                
Though not from his measure.                                
'Twas because of his chest which was sunken.                
                                                            
53397 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



The seagull did shit, on the fly,                           
Right into the pirate's left eye.                           
Now sadly, alas,                                            
That eye 's made of glass...                                
Cause he gave his new hook a try.                           
                                                            
53398 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS                                  



Ambidextrous they called Jean Laffite.                      
In town the whores thought it a treat                       
When he was in port.                                        
On the high seas, his sport                                 
Was with handsome young tars of the fleet.                  
                                                            
53399 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



"As for crime," said the pirate, "I've done it,             
And although the best people shun it,                       
There's only one way                                        
To make sure it won't pay.                                  
Just let any government run it."                            
                                                            
53400 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



"It was here! Do you dig me? Right here                     
Kidd buried his treasure that year.                         
His diggers he shot;                                        
The spot Kidd forgot.                                       
There was no other buccaneer near!                          
                                                            
53401 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Lauarence Perrine   P8804



Beware of that pirate, Llewellyn!                           
He's gay and I've heard that old felon                      
Is seeking small buoys                                      
For sexual toys:                                            
He's probing the 'straights' of Magellan!                   
                                                            
53402 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS                                  



If I get a few moments alone,                               
And Ermintrude gets off my bone,                            
I'll then find the time,                                    
To write down the rhymes,                                   
Of that evil she-pirate, Long Joan.                         
                                                            
53403 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS                                  



If Long John met a wench, he would dodge her,               
And though not an effeminate codger,                        
He would tell no sly fib                                    
As to cut of his jib,                                       
His sail flapped for young Jolly Roger.                     
                                                            
53404 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Ann Gasser          P8804



When Long John Silver saw Blind Pugh,                       
His first reaction was "Pooh-pooh."                         
When Pugh the "black spot" gave,                            
Long John became less brave                                 
And in his long johns John went "poo."                      
                                                            
53405 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8804



All pirates lacked women to carol,                          
But the sport that they played was nonpareil;               
For the barrel's bung hole                                  
Did suffice to console --                                   
There was always a man in the barrel.                       
                                                            
53406 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Al Chaplin          P8804



Let R.L.S. once show us where                               
His Long John Silver combed his hair                        
Or rinsed his hose                                          
Or washed his clothes                                       
Or Long John changed his underwear.                         
                                                            
53407 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8804



When business was slow, each poor buccaneer                 
His trophies would sell for 'one buck an ear'.              
The BUCCANEER name                                          
Perverted became                                            
When women would offer them one fuccaneer.                  
                                                            
53408 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8804



Well shiver me timbers and may                              
The eight winds come blow me away,                          
And rattle my skull                                         
And wreck my old hull,                                      
And sink me inside of the bay.                              
                                                            
53409 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Matthew Montchalin       



Now really, expressions like that                           
Are rather antique and "old hat",                           
But not quite so shocking                                   
As the way you were talking                                 
Of someone who chews more than fat.                         
                                                            
53410 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Matthew Montchalin       



The corniest folks of Penzance                              
Were lead such a song and a dance                           
When Sullivan's Gilbert                                     
Was nuts like a filbert,                                    
Creating a pirates' romance.                                
                                                            
53411 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bill Backe-Hansen   P8804



The Pirates of Penzance no more                             
Have cannons on stage as before.                            
Last week they went BANG.                                   
(Their captain we'll hang)                                  
And sank H.M.S Pinafore.                                    
                                                            
53412 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8804



The pirate whom most I bemoan                               
Is he with dull skull and cross bone,                       
Who tries to win fame                                       
By printing his name                                        
Over words can be shown, are my own.                        
                                                            
53413 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Laurence Perrine    P8804



The pirate was dressed all in black.                        
The lady was taken aback.                                   
His cock was so large;                                      
It gave her a charge.                                       
She begged him to give her the rack.                        
                                                            
53414 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bonnie                   



The pirate tied her hand and leg;                           
Widespread on the rack she did beg.                         
Please give me some rum                                     
And I'll make you come;                                     
I blow like a lit powder keg.                               
                                                            
53415 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bonnie                   



The captives of Kidd were first screwed.                    
In turn, one by one, each was crewed.                       
When the gang bang was done,                                
Overboard one by one,                                       
With many exclaiming, "That's crude."                       
                                                            
53416 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P8804



Such evil did Robinson's crew sow!                          
A pirate's flag Robinson's crew sew,                        
Then overboard throw                                        
With no place to go...                                      
Did Satan make Robinson's crew so?                          
                                                            
53417 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Irving Superior     P9112



A salty old pirate named Hank                               
Decided to play a mean prank.                               
So he put a dead snail                                      
In the ship captain's ale,                                  
And the captain yelled, "Roll out the plank."               
                                                            
53418 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Birch           P0302



The infamous pirate, Steve Bonnet,                          
From his captains chair bellowed, "Doggonit!                
I've sat on my cutlass                                      
Now I'm nearly buttless,                                    
And it pains me to put weight upon it."                     
                                                            
53419 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



Captain Dick was a man of great sin,                        
Sailed the seas with an evil grin,                          
Sadistic and cruel,                                         
He'd replaced his limp tool                                 
With a cast iron belaying pin.                              
                                                            
53420 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Ann Gasser          P8804



The pirates of old were no fools.                           
When the crew captured prisoners, the rules                 
Were that they must hunt                                    
In each woman's cunt,                                       
In case she was hiding rich jewels.                         
                                                            
53421 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



The sight that Blind Pugh hasn't got                        
Doesn't slow him a hell of a lot.                           
He comes and he goes                                        
In his old ragged clothes,                                  
With his seeing eye canine, Black Spot.                     
                                                            
53422 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Arthur Deex         P8804



A dashing young pirate had caught a                         
Spanish princess like he oughta.                            
Imagine his fright                                          
When he came in sight                                       
Of the vengeance bound Spanish Armada.                      
                                                            
53423 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS                                  



Pirates lurking off headland and capes,                     
Captured treasure and carried out rapes                     
Of their innocent prey.                                     
Their successors today                                      
Find more profit in records and tapes.                      
                                                            
53424 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



I just can't resist a swashbuckle;                          
It gives me a thrill and a chuckle.                         
Stabbing and swishing                                       
Get me to wishing                                           
That under a sword I may truckle.                           
                                                            
53425 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Joie de Vivre            



They were picturesque knaves but they stank --              
Those pirates whose vessels we sank.                        
From captain to cook,                                       
Unless I'm mistook,                                         
They were just about equally rank.                          
                                                            
53426 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Laurence Perrine    P8804



For the poor man who steals but a kettle,                   
The hangman his fate will soon settle.                      
But a pirate so bold,                                       
Steals a shipload of gold,                                  
And he's honored and given a medal.                         
                                                            
53427 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Albin Chaplin   3024-2640



A hare-lipped old pirate named Matt                         
Said, "What do you know about that.                         
I've been searching for years                               
For my lost buccaneers,                                     
And they're here under my buckin' hat."                     
                                                            
53428 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Bob Giandomenico    P8804



A pirate came under the scrutiny                            
Of his chief on suspicion of mutiny.                        
This scum was unwilling                                     
To kill for a shilling,                                     
And preached it was sinful to loot any.                     
                                                            
53429 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Laurence Perrine    P8804



A pirate who hailed from Nertskin                           
Became so exceedingly thin,                                 
That while cleaning his gun,                                
When the day's work was done,                               
He looked down the bore and fell in.                        
                                                            
53430 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Anon                     



The other side most insincere                               
Succored pirate and base buccaneer.                         
What they did was awful                                     
While we, always lawful,                                    
Commissioned our own privateer.                             
                                                            
53431 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Arthur Deex         P8804



Captain Kidd, says a scholar who delves                     
Into history's dank moldy shelves,                          
A Godfearing man                                            
Carried out the Lord's plan:                                
"God helps those who," he said, "help themselves."          
                                                            
53432 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         A. N. Wilkins       P8804



There once was a pirate whose leg                           
Was made from the cork of a keg.                            
When he swam in the sea,                                    
He'd upend at the knee                                      
And scrape barnacles off of the skeg.                       
                                                            
53433 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Tillmanator              



A peg-legged captain, named Hood;                           
Prosthesis adrift, that's not good.                         
His parrot kvetched,                                        
"S'pose you'd like that fetched?"                           
Said captain, "Aye aye I shore wood"                        
                                                            
53434 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS                                  



Shipwrecked First Mate infrequently laughed                 
When with Captain he bobbed on a raft.                      
Sharks made him afraid                                      
And his boss, a gay blade,                                  
Kept him worried both fore and aft.                         
                                                            
53435 PIRATES AND CUTTHROATS         Ann Gasser          P8804



When we see on TV, devastations,                            
The Red Cross solicits donations --                         
But out of our cash,                                        
A large chunk is slashed,                                   
Never reaching the pain and starvation.                     
                                                            
53436 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Dr Limerick  11-18-01    



Colonel North was a clever Marine.                          
He was Reagan's point man on the scene.                     
He peddled the guns,                                        
Diverted the funds,                                         
But came through the ordeal quite clean.                    
                                                            
53437 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Gifford Wherry           



Colonel North's secretary, Fawn Hall,                       
Was a "Looker with lots on the ball."                       
She shredded those papers                                   
And pulled other capers,                                    
And some things she could not recall.                       
                                                            
53438 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Gifford Wherry           



If you lined up to donate your blood,                       
You contributed to a great flood;                           
Excess blood bags were dripped                              
'Cause no one wished to nip                                 
Communality off in the bud.                                 
                                                            
53439 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



Again it is anyone's guess                                  
Where the F.B.I. and I.N.S.                                 
Mislaid their computers                                     
And lethal pea-shooters;                                    
And you thought your house was a mess.                      
                                                            
53440 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Dr Limerick              



The FBI's J Edgar Mueller                                   
Told the Senate, without turning color,                     
He needs more surveillance                                  
In homes and conveyance,                                    
So his dullards don't get any duller.                       
                                                            
53441 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Dr Limerick              



The committee then heard Agent Rowley,                      
Appearing most testy and scowl-ly.                          
She told them that she                                      
Fought the bureaucracy,                                     
But the bureaucrats beat her most foully.                   
                                                            
53442 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Dr Limerick              



Tito gets his jaunt ostentatious,                           
Although NASA is being ungracious.                          
Stay on Russian side!                                       
Our secrets we hide!                                        
This childish response is vexatious.                        
                                                            
53443 POLITICS - BUREAUS             Dr Limerick              



"I promise to lower your taxes!",                           
The candidate poetically waxes,                             
"I'll do that for you,                                      
I won't rest till I do,"                                    
But once elected, all he does is relaxes.                   
                                                            
53444 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Pamela Cohen             



"Don't be silly!" I cry in dismay,                          
"You know that it can't be this way!                        
When speaking of taxes,                                     
He never relaxes;                                           
He'll screw you some more every day!"                       
                                                            
53445 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Pamela Cohen             



The local elections are due                                 
And I'll vote for the councillor who                        
Is least likely to lie;                                     
But that's pie in the sky                                   
For they all talk a load of old poo...                      
                                                            
53446 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Brian Belge              



...On issues like poverty, wealth,                          
Education and National Health.                              
If they promise no rises                                    
In tax, no surprises;                                       
They then introduce them by stealth.                        
                                                            
53447 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Brian Belge              



I guess, then, it's all down to me;                         
And my pledge is that beer shall be free                    
Of all taxes and duties                                     
And served by young beauties,                               
Whose cups runneth over.  Yippee!                           
                                                            
53448 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Brian Belge              



Both of our choices do suck,                                
We're up to our ass in this muck.                           
It's Dole or Clinton,                                       
Arrange a SIT-IN,                                           
Because some of us do give a fuck.                          
                                                            
53449 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Mindy & Richalyn         



Butthead said, "Bevis, now is our chance!                   
Let's appeal to our constituents!                           
GOP's leading five                                          
Ate each other alive,                                       
And Slick Willie can't keep up his pants!"                  
                                                            
53450 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          William N. Nesbit   P9604



When politicians act like Jesus,                            
They sneakily try to deceive us.                            
Two who play this role                                      
Are Clinton and Dole,                                       
Or should I say Butthead and Bevis?                         
                                                            
53451 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Tom Patton          P9604



The Reps and the Dems raise their voice,                    
Praising nominees, and rejoice.                             
But 'twixt Bevis and Butthead,                              
Who's the real nut-head?                                    
Or is "None Of Above" the best choice?                      
                                                            
53452 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Stu Lucas           P9604



The topic: The College Electoral.                           
We flexed muscles -- cerebral and oral.                     
Eyes glued to the tubes                                     
We watched the two boobs --                                 
I wish that the pair were pectoral.                         
                                                            
53453 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Jim O'Conner        P8412



Republicans played fast and loose                           
And way overcooked our damn goose.                          
Bush started smart,                                         
Ran against the old fart,                                   
But caved in and ran as caboose.                            
                                                            
53454 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Karen                    



A candidate known for his bulsh,                            
Gave a speech so incredibly fulsh,                          
That I give you my word,                                    
The like's not been heard,                                  
Since Harding, or maybe Cal Culsh.                          
                                                            
53455 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          John Ciardi              



So what's with campaigning prose?                           
So boring and far too verbose.                              
A GMO lim?      (what's GMO? - McW)                         
I think not, you're dim.                                    
Go stuff TNT up your nose.                                  
                                                            
53456 POLITICS - CANDIDATES                                   



Who will run as a Demo, this time?                          
Those who have declared can't be called prime.              
Lieberman?  Gary Hart?                                      
Kerry?  Gephart's a start.                                  
Then there's Sharpton, but he doesn't rhyme.                
                                                            
53457 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Loren Fitzhugh      P0303



A very staid fellow, Dukakis;                               
Neither too loud nor too raucous;                           
But he would make us more happy                             
If he'd say something snappy,                               
Or one little thing just to shock us.                       
                                                            
53458 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Herb Caen's column  P8806



What portends if we vote for Dukakis?                       
Will our choice be a man who will mock us?                  
With high taxes to stun                                     
For the earnings we've won                                  
Is it likely for Michael to cock us?                        
                                                            
53459 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Bob Giandomenico    P8808



Will Dukakis win in a grand swoosh?                         
Or will he fall flat on his tush?                           
The debates that I see                                      
Keep convincing me,                                         
He's just beating around the Bush.                          
                                                            
53460 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Ann Gasser          P8811



One ad is which Truth is rejected,                          
Begins with "If I am elected..."                            
And two times as bad                                        
As even this ad,                                            
Begins with "If I'm RE-elected."                            
                                                            
53461 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Irving Superior     P9709



If the GOP's message is Dole's,                             
And the Dems push their socialist goals,                    
Will the B and B pair                                       
Get a huge write-in share?                                  
Will M. Mouse beat them out at the polls?                   
(B and B - Bevis and Butthead)                              
53462 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Stu Lucas           P9604



Candidates engage in speeches,                              
Far beyond where their mind reaches.                        
The message they GARBLE,                                    
With tongues of marble,                                     
Applauded by party-hack leeches.                            
                                                            
53463 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Chris Papa               



When we asked Mr. Cartwright today                          
If he'd seek a house seat -- yea or nay?                    
He said, " I'll have none                                   
Of political fun;                                           
Nominated, I'll run -- far away!"                           
                                                            
53464 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Robin K. Willoughby P8411



I agree, theres too many right wingers,                     
And boy they come up with some zingers.                     
Hypocritcal pervs                                           
With a shitload of nerves,                                  
To be pointing their own smelly fingers.                    
                                                            
53465 POLITICS - CANDIDATES                                   



"I'll be glad when we're through this campaign,"            
Said the candidate wading through rain.                     
"I wear out my shoes                                        
Trying hard not to lose.                                    
It's like boot camp, and sure is a pain."                   
                                                            
53466 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Laurence Perrine    P8411



Our candidates vie in servility                             
While pretending to heights of humility.                    
They would jack-off a goat                                  
To garner that vote,                                        
And end up as a public liability.                           
                                                            
53467 POLITICS - CANDIDATES                              G2730



U.S. "Tories" are surely in luck, up                        
To now, mostly Democrats fuck up.                           
JFK, Hart, and Clinton                                      
Have dropped us the hint on                                 
What LIBERAL "members" get stuck up.                        
                                                            
53468 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Jim Weaver Collection    



A candidate sometimes emotes                                
In language that nobody quotes                              
And tries to gain favor                                     
With words that none savor;                                 
He loses electoral votes.                                   
                                                            
53469 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          R. J. Winkler       P8411



"Oh yes, I have lust in my heart,"                          
Said the candidate, eyeing a tart,                          
But -- son of a gun!                                        
It would be much more fun                                   
If it moved to a more private part..."                      
                                                            
53470 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Robin K. Willoughby P8411



By promises often grotesque,                                
Impractical though picturesque,                             
Some candidates lie                                         
Appearing to try                                            
To make the campaign a burlesque.                           
                                                            
53471 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          R. J. Winkler       P8411



Once Bryan was chosen to run,                               
He made 600 speeches, while none                            
Was made by his foe,                                        
And wouldn't you know                                       
That McKinley, who stayed at home, won!                     
                                                            
53472 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          A. N. Wilkins       P8411



Remember Mondale and Ferraro?                               
"We're going to win on the morrow!"                         
But Reagan, you'll note,                                    
Captured most of the vote.                                  
For Mondale/Ferraro, just sorrow.                           
                                                            
53473 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Gifford Wherry           



It's nice when you hope for the best,                       
Though both of your choices have messed                     
With truth and with morals                                  
And wives who wear florals,                                 
But you have to choose one when you're pressed.             
                                                            
53474 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Archie                   



I look forward to upcoming race;                            
There will be a new dumbness to face.                       
And I don't care who                                        
I throw dig or two,                                         
It will help keep each in their place.                      
                                                            
53475 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Chris Papa               



The candidates early and late                               
Argued, should they debate?                                 
Though each one demanded                                    
The other be candid,                                        
They could not agree on a date.                             
                                                            
53476 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Laurence Perrine    P8411



"Since the media," said Candidate Crumb,                    
"Often garble my speeches, how come,                        
I wonder, don't they                                        
Misquote me the day                                         
When I manage to say something dumb?"                       
                                                            
53477 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          A. N. Wilkins       P8411



When campaigning, all candidates lie;                       
To smear their opponents they try.                          
With no hesitation                                          
They besmirch reputation,                                   
So, why don't the slander laws apply?                       
                                                            
53478 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



A new one has entered the race                              
To live in The White House (nice place).                    
But this one's so lame                                      
(I'll not say his name)                                     
I hardly can keep a straight face.                          
                                                            
53479 POLITICS - CANDIDATES                                   



It is not strange that he with his gall,                    
Won the outlying districts last fall.                       
His opponents maintain,                                     
For he, in the campaign,                                    
Was out lying, they say, in them all.                       
                                                            
53480 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          A. N. Wilkins       P8411



As through the primaries we plod,                           
The smiles and the smirks appear odd.                       
It certainly grates                                         
That most candidates                                        
Project a ral phoney FACADE.                                
                                                            
53481 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Chris Papa               



A political speaker named Hutch                             
Said, "The audience noises are such,                        
I can't hear myself speak!"                                 
Said his foe, tongue in cheek,                              
"Don't worry, you're not missing much!"                     
                                                            
53482 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Observer                 



The politicians can get one down,                           
With all the B.S. that's spread aroun'.                     
Reagan's for God                                            
And Mondale's a clod --                                     
Or is it the other way roun'?                               
                                                            
53483 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Maurice Zallen      P8411



"Despite my good friend the debunker,"                      
The candidate told Mr. Bunker,                              
"I am not by right                                          
A real troglodyte.                                          
I'm merely," he said, "a spelunker."                        
                                                            
53484 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          A. N. Wilkins       P8411



Republican candidates Bauer                                 
And Bush offer smirks and a glower,                         
While Forbes and McCain                                     
Offer faces that strain                                     
To show smiles that are fitting for power.                  
                                                            
53485 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Prof M-G                 



There once was a poet from Maine                            
Who detested language inane.                                
Said she, with disdain,                                     
"I fear this campaign                                       
Rhetoric will drive me insane."                             
                                                            
53486 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Lynn Mostafa             



The funniest thing that we've seen                          
Is watching the candidates preen.                           
To save their own neck,                                     
They're endorsing high tech                                 
Right here in the town of Racine!                           
                                                            
53487 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Neal Wilgus         P8507



In bed, the poor candidate tossed                           
And considered the race that he'd lost.                     
He would miss the debates                                   
In all those great states--                                 
But mainly he rued what it cost.                            
                                                            
53488 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Norm Storer         P9612



The election's important, I'm told;                         
But the candidates all leave me cold.                       
Though none of them will                                    
Be as evil as Bill,                                         
'Twill still be the "same old same old."                    
                                                            
53489 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          John Miller              



I have a good notion or two;                                
Vote for me and I'll vote for you.                          
We'll campaign together;                                    
Bimbo taunts we'll weather.                                 
If you win, your interns I will screw.                      
                                                            
53490 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Steevo                   



When the 'pols' are illicitly boffin',                      
Till their poles and their poll numbers soften,             
Perhaps we can vote                                         
Just like that old quote:                                   
That their 'standings are rising' too often.                
                                                            
53491 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Stargazer                



"I don't care where they come from," said Routh,            
"Politicians from North or from South.                      
From States or the city,                                    
It sure is a pity,                                          
They talk from both sides of their mouth!"                  
                                                            
53492 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Clarence E. Boyle   P8411



It seems the political class                                
Is akin to a fish like a bass;                              
For boffins have found,                                     
In research quite sound,                                    
That each can talk out of its ass.                          
                                                            
53493 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Tiddy Ogg                



When Ericka hears of this folly,                            
She'll catch her a fish and, by golly,                      
She'll hold to her ear                                      
Its ass and will hear                                       
Hit tunes by the late Buddy Holly.                          
                                                            
53494 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Travis Brasell           



Canadian fish, quite sinister,                              
Speak through their ass to administer                       
All the laws of the sea.                                    
It doesn't surprise me --                                   
They learned it from our Prime Minister!                    
                                                            
53495 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Ericka                   



Term limits ain't no panacea;                               
They're just one more crackpot idea.                        
Rural mayors and sheriffs                                   
Just cannot be there if                                     
You have to replace them each year.                         
                                                            
53496 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Dr Limerick  01-31-02    



I think we should cut to the chase;                         
The base is a limerick place.                               
Clinton and Dole                                            
Do not fit this role.                                       
They are in a political race.                               
                                                            
53497 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Jim Weaver Collection    



A candidate, once, it was noted,                            
Disturbed all the poeple who voted                          
No end, when he said,                                       
"Do not be misled..."                                       
Then something unfit to be quoted.                          
                                                            
53498 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          R. J. Winkler       P8411



While the candidates ran unopposed,                         
Were late primaries' ills diagnosed;                        
This electoral hoax                                         
Disenfranchises folks,                                      
Who can't vote till the outcome's disclosed!                
                                                            
53499 POLITICS - CANDIDATES                                   



"When I told them," said Candidate Stout,                   
"That I never had paid any lout                             
For a vote in my life,                                      
Everyone but my wife                                        
Stood up and then promptly walked out."                     
                                                            
53500 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          A. N. Wilkins       P8411



"Windy speeches provide the life serum                      
Of campaigns, and the faithful all cheer 'em,               
Though they're frequently quoted,"                          
The candidate noted,                                        
"When I make 'em, I don't have to hear 'em.                 
                                                            
53501 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          A. N. Wilkins       P8411



"After all the wild charges and blames,                     
When it's over," declared Mr. James,                        
"The fellow who wins                                        
Won't, despite all his sins,                                
Be as bad as the other guy claims."                         
                                                            
53502 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          A. N. Wilkins       P8411



Those pompous pols play royal rex,                          
And slaver for SUB ROSA sex,                                
With those recent born,                                     
Who prove to be thorn                                       
And turn long careers into wrecks.                          
                                                            
53503 POLITICS - CANDIDATES          Chris Papa               



We are tired of fast talk and slick schemes,                
And big spending on liberal themes.                         
It will take Bob and Jack                                   
To get us back on track                                     
And restore the American Dream.                             
                                                            
53504 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996                            



The debate candidates strolled while talking,               
A technique to score style points while walking.            
But when Bob's turn came, Bill                              
Did not try to stand still.                                 
It sure looke like a clear case of stalking.                
                                                            
53505 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton or Dole -- who knows?                               
Both are really big foes!                                   
Just make your selection --                                 
Neither's perfection --                                     
Or try your luck with Perot.                                
                                                            
53506 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Lem R. Ick               



Bill and Bob stand up, toe to toe;                          
Slinging mud at each other, real slow.                      
By the time the dirt clears,                                
It confirms your worst fears --                             
The man looking good is Perot.                              
                                                            
53507 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Don Daniels              



With the choice between Clinton and Dole,                   
I find not a gap but a hole.                                
At least Clinton has humor,                                 
While Dole is a gloomer.                                    
Let's see what it does at the poll.                         
                                                            
53508 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Kathi Webster            



There once was a senator called Dole                        
Who hadn't much mirth in his soul.                          
But he's anxious to win                                     
So he'd best learn to grin                                  
Or he'll lose to Perot at the poll.                         
                                                            
53509 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Mesterton-Gibbons        



There once was a man, wan and pale,                         
Who condoned cigarettes and their sale.                     
It may cost Bob the race                                    
To that incumbent disgrace,                                 
But at least he knows how to inhale.                        
                                                            
53510 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Jim Weaver Collection    



There is something I want to make clear                     
As the Clinton-Dole contest draws near:                     
When Bill battles the Lion,                                 
Clinton's fur will be flyin',                               
It's the bite, not the roar, Bill should fear!              
                                                            
53511 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Jim Weaver Collection    



The incumbent is crooked, I know;                           
The Republican platform's all show.                         
Maybe Dole's not so quick,                                  
But Slick Willy's too slick,                                
And I can't waste my vote on Perot!                         
                                                            
53512 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   John Miller              



Perot was a Texas squeakpip;                                
A little too quick with a quip.                             
He first said "I'm out!"                                    
Then turned face about,                                     
But the voters still gave him the slip.                     
                                                            
53513 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 1996   Anon                     



By now, I don't care which one wins.                        
Each comes with his own set of sins.                        
This one is a nerd.                                         
That one is a turd.                                         
Don't like the way either one grins.                        
                                                            
53514 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2000                            



With them both, we walk a tight wire,                       
On which of these bozos to hire.                            
I'll vote for the dummy.                                    
Gore makes me feel rummy;                                   
I never could stomach a liar.                               
                                                            
53515 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2000                            



This election is causing me pain;                           
Voting I might have to abstain.                             
Al Gore's views spin                                        
To political wind,                                          
And Bush makes me wish for McCain!                          
                                                            
53516 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2000   Christopher Anton        



Seems this year I have no real choices                      
'Mongst candidates clamoring voices.                        
We've a Clintonesque lackey                                 
And a Texan, quite tacky,                                   
Spewing standard political noises.                          
                                                            
53517 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2000   Christopher Anton        



I heard  whispers from the mummified aardvark               
'Bout next year's Senate race in New York;                  
Bill heard 'em and tripped,                                 
Boffed the beast in that crypt;                             
"Beats kissin' babies; that's hard work!"                   
                                                            
53518 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2000                            



Now Hillary, she's in a jam;                                
Young folks say she's full of bad spam.                     
Carpetbagging sucks.                                        
Even with big bucks,                                        
They won't vote for her. She'll be ham.                     
                                                            
53519 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2000                            



When paying the note, please remember                       
How cold is a New York November.                            
If Hillary don't pan,    (out)                              
Will Alan Greenspan                                         
Cut the interest for you come December?                     
                                                            
53520 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2000                            



If health care cost cause you to dismay,                    
Bob Kerry's come up with a way                              
To reduce them to zero,                                     
And emerge as a hero--                                      
By making the other guy pay.                                
                                                            
53521 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   John Sandler        P9204



If a person could possibly mix                              
Two candidates, then it would fix                           
The unfortunate trend                                       
Of Dubya to spend,                                          
And Dean's socialist health plan to nix.                    
                                                           I
53522 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



You all know ex-President Clinton,                          
And how by the lust he was bitten.                          
Now he's pushing for Clark,                                 
But he's in the dark.                                       
In the White House Dean will be sittin'.                    
                                                            
53523 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Anon                     



Dean tapped in Dems gnashing and bashing;                   
Those giving Bush vicious tongue-lashing.                   
Who cares I can't win;                                      
My goal in the end                                          
Is to outdo McGovern's big thrashing.                       
                                                            
53524 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



There once was a man from Vermont                           
Whose wisdom was sorely in want.                            
But sadly his lack                                          
Sent him front of the pack,                                 
Though his mainstream credentials are guant.                
                                                            
53525 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



Dean Wins!, read the right, with dismay.                    
Oh No!  Oh My Lord!  Rue the Day!                           
As he socialized health,                                    
And taxed all our wealth,                                   
And went the Canadian way.                                  
                                                            
53526 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



Dean wanted the Dem's nomination,                           
And so waited in anticipation,                              
For our soldiers collapse                                   
And fatal mishaps,                                          
As if failure was good for the nation.                      
                                                            
53527 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



They all want to be the big chief;                          
They scream that our leader's a thief.                      
I have a strong hunch,                                      
They'll be losing a bunch                                   
Of those who don't share their belief.                      
                                                            
53528 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



Dick Gephardt, a man from Missouri,                         
Is running for prez, though a flurry                        
Of others I know,                                           
Run a much better show,                                     
That this poor hapless man from Missouri.                   
                                                            
53529 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



The politics here have a stench,                            
Made worse by some "help" from the bench.                   
While queer lunatics                                        
Add slime to the mix,                                       
And perfume is supplied by the French.                      
                                                            
53530 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Ward Hardman             



Those dumb French who exult over Kerry                      
Can all line up to kiss my sweet derri-                     
Ere I'd vote for that fart,                                 
Who is no "object d'art,"                                   
I'd prefer to commit hari kiri.                             
                                                            
53531 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Ward Hardman             



Although Gephardt may be a real brain,                      
Electing him might cause a pain.                            
For how many folks                                          
Are prepared for the jokes                                  
With the first couple named Dick and Jane?                  
                                                            
53532 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   A. N. Wilkins       P8804



If you're out of the race, I won't sob.                     
Not a minute of sleep will it rob.                          
Here's a Bronx cheer                                        
For you, my dear.                                           
Why don't you try getting a real job?                       
                                                            
53533 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Frank Petersohn          



John Kerry will win, ain't that nice?                       
But a sly runnin-mate is the price.                         
An accident tragic                                          
Then works its great magic,                                 
And Hillary's free of her "Vice".                           
                                                            
53534 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   John Miller              



Another Dean Basher is Hannity;                             
This man has no heart or humanity.                          
But as victory draws near,                                  
We have nothing to fear,                                    
So we smile as we question his sanity.                      
                                                            
53535 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Anon                     



Can't sleep.  I await "Face the Nation."                    
Will this Wilson thing cause consternation?                 
I sure hope Howard Dean                                     
Will be making a scene,                                     
And giving Carl Rove constipation.                          
                                                            
53536 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Anon                     



What can one say about Howard Dean?                         
His image is squeaky and clean.                             
But he's a bit of a dick,                                   
A monumental big prick;                                     
I can't vote for a man prissy and clean.                    
                                                            
53537 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



A man from Vermont, who's named Dean,                       
Tends to come off as sounding quite mean.                   
He's snarky and snide                                       
If you're not on his side,                                  
Which could hurt his election machine.                      
                                                            
53538 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



God bless our Senator Byrd;                                 
He knew bush's war was absurd.                              
It would really be keen                                     
If he came out for Dean;                                    
Would someone please give him the word?                     
                                                            
53539 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Anon                     



The right-wing thinks Bush is annointed,                    
And Democrats' heads are disjointed.                        
But they will all cry                                       
And we will know why,                                       
When Howard makes Bush disappointed.                        
                                                            
53540 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Anon                     



The wannabe prez, Howard Dean,                              
Is watching his campaign careen                             
Off into a ditch,                                           
'Cause he's got an itch                                     
To act like an immature teen.                               
                                                            
53541 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Observer                 



He's not acting too presidential,                           
As some folks consider essential.                           
Just between me and you,                                    
He's got a loose screw,                                     
And he's lacking in prez potential.                         
                                                            
53542 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Observer                 



And furthermore, his wife's contrary                        
And seems so disinterested, very.                           
She's made it quite clear                                   
She likes "her career",                                     
So, guess Dems may settle for Kerry.                        
                                                            
53543 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Observer                 



Last month they thought we were funny.                      
Birkenstock Liberals soaking in honey.                      
But we now have on hand                                     
What Politicos understand;                                  
A big fat fucking pile of money!                            
                                                            
53544 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Anon                     



So sad was John Kerry's face,                               
When Clark jumped right into the race,                      
And said, "Bad new for you!                                 
I served in Nam too!                                        
Your one selling point's been erased."                      
                                                            
53545 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



The Democratic stick man John Kerry                         
Has a face that's described as just scary.                  
He tells everyone and his mom                               
How he served in Vietnam,                                   
But the man even pissed off Dave Barry.                     
                                                            
53546 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



John Kerry, like me, is from Boston,                        
Where morals are stricter than Austin.                      
But John found renown                                       
In Washington Town,                                         
Where morals are scarce and he lost 'em.                    
                                                            
53547 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   John Miller              



Now Kerry is quoting the Bible!                             
The next thing you know he is liable                        
To quote from the Koran                                     
Or else if he can,                                          
Kama Sutra or something more tribal.                        
                                                            
53548 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   John Miller              



JFK is a catholic, you know;                                
The second such John in a row.                              
(Like Hillary Rhodam,                                       
I'll bet you that Saddam                                    
Is more like the way he would go.)                          
                                                            
53549 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   John Miller              



Kerry is Catholic, that's true,                             
Did you know that he's also half Jew?                       
In old Wein, gramps was known                               
By the surname of Kohn;                                     
Now matzoh ball soup's Irish stew.                          
                                                            
53550 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Ward Hardman             



Why thank you!  If all this is true.                        
I'll take a more catholic view,                             
And learn which is worse                                    
A political curse:                                          
An Irishman, Texan, or Jew!                                 
                                                            
53551 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   John Miller              



This election could give you a stroke,                      
But I laugh (or I cry) till I choke.                        
In a land full of phonies                                   
And pork barrel cronies,                                    
All three of these guys are a joke!                         
                                                            
53552 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   John Miller              



There once was a Senator Kerry                              
Whose message, despite being very                           
Sore-throated and raucous,                                  
Made Iowa's caucus                                          
Dick Gephardt's campaign cemetary!                          
                                                            
53553 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004                            



The third party's doing a fader;                            
They won't succeed as a raider                              
Of votes from the asses                                     
Or elephant masses,                                         
Because we're all bored now with Nader.                     
                                                            
53554 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Archie                   



Kerry was a front-running man,                              
Till contradictions botched up his plan.                    
Reversing stances each day,                                 
In what he would say.                                       
Except, "Did I say I was in Vietnam?"                       
                                                            
53555 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



Let's hear it for old Wesley Clark,                         
Whose bite is much worse than his bark.                     
He is a man of peace                                        
To the east of Greece;                                      
Let his Serb record stay in the dark.                       
                                                            
53556 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   DC Dave                  



The ex-general named Wesley Clark,                          
As president, would be a shot in the dark.                  
He knows much about war;                                    
Can't relate to the poor.                                   
I'm afraid this old dog has no bark.                        
                                                            
53557 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



Please don't be conderned about Clark;                      
His bites not as bad a Dean's bark.                         
We know Bill and Hil                                        
Think Wes fills the bill,                                   
But they are both whistling in the dark.                    
                                                            
53558 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Anon                     



It's only September, I see,                                 
In the year of two-thousand and three.                      
Much to early to tell,                                      
Yet the pundits all yell,                                   
"I know who will win!  Hark to Me!"                         
                                                            
53559 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - 2004   Tomer Shiran             



Loud cheers for the whole GOP                               
Rang out for Dole's choice for V.P.                         
The American dream                                          
Will be safe with this team.                                
Renewed hope for the "Land of the Free!"                    
                                                            
53560 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Bob Dole and Jack Kemp won't be beat.                       
Their trumpet will not sound retreat.                       
In the front you will find them                             
With the whole team behind them.                            
Democrats will be knocked off their feet!                   
                                                            
53561 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Kemp to his running mate Dole,                         
"Look where we are in this poll!                            
With three days to go,                                      
We're behind Ross Perot!                                    
I feel like such an asshole!"                               
                                                            
53562 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man named Bob Dole                         
Who liked to smoke some pole.                               
He bent over for kicks,                                     
Taking BIG pricks,                                          
While huge guys nailed his hole.                            
                                                            
53563 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Bob Dole has made it quite plain;                           
About family, he likes to complain.                         
Folks like that a lot                                       
(And that's what Bob thought)                               
In the end, it will help his campaign                       
                                                            
53564 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Al Willis           P9508



The Republicans sound the alarm,                            
"The unborn shall not be harmed.                            
For birth control                                           
Is easy," says Dole,                                        
Whose dick hangs like his right arm.                        
                                                            
53565 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE                            



The next G.O.P. nominee --                                  
Who, pray tell, will it be?                                 
Bob Dole is too old,                                        
Pat Buchanan will fold,                                     
Which leaves it between you and me!                         
(presidential race of 1996)                                 
53566 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Writerman                



Robert Dole said, "Lookie here, men.                        
Have courage and beard the lion's den.                      
Just suffer the pains                                       
And hold on to your gains,                                  
And I will hold on to my pen."                              
                                                            
53567 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Al Willis                



Though your Kansan is clearly the soul                      
Of industry, and though his goal                            
Is to make his own way.                                     
For the Senate today,                                       
He persistently favors the Dole.                            
                                                            
53568 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   A. N. Wilkins       P8609



There was an old man named Bob Dole,                        
In the Senate he had great control.                         
He was a good man                                           
Who had a good plan;                                        
A plain citizen will be his next role.                      
                                                            
53569 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Peavy                    



There once was a man named Dole,                            
Who lived in the township of Poll.                          
When asked for a reference                                  
To his sexual preference,                                   
He said, "Man, a hole is a hole!"                           
                                                            
53570 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Lazarus                  



Give 'em Hell, Bob! You're on quite a roll!                 
Other issues? Dear me, bless my soul.                       
Health concerns or "The Debt,"                              
Why indeed should you fret?                                 
With your perks, are you not on the Dole?                   
                                                            
53571 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



The candidate, Senator Dole,                                
Was arrested for playing the role                           
Of a Christian right-winger,                                
Whose a liberal swinger                                     
With a wit that's acerbic, but droll.                       
                                                            
53572 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE                            



Politicos often shift role,                                 
And success goes to those without soul.                     
As a party moves right,                                     
The knave becomes knight,                                   
Though I wouldn't touch Dole with a pole.                   
                                                            
53573 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   John D.                  



An old politician named Dole,                               
Had a hankering for Liz's back hole.                        
She called it skullduggery,                                 
His passion for buggery;                                    
He called it "Mining for Coal"!                             
                                                            
53574 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Blackbody                



Pity poor Robert J. Dole,                                   
A decent respectable soul.                                  
When he took that stumble,                                  
It paralleled his tumble                                    
In the latest CNN voter poll.                               
                                                            
53575 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Quilis                   



My computer will morph Robert Dole,                         
So his features resemble his soul.                          
But wait!  That's no fun.                                   
It's already been done.                                     
No wonder he can't win a poll.                              
                                                            
53576 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Larry Dahl               



Right-to-lifers will be Dole's undoing,                     
Though distaff-side voters he's wooing.                     
For the Christian Coalition's                               
Staked out its position:                                    
There'll b e no more legal unscrewing!                      
                                                            
53577 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   CB                       



George Bush is so bland he's inedible,                      
Pat Robertson's pitch too incredible.                       
I think, on the whole,                                      
I shall go with Bob Dole                                    
And pray that he turns out un-beddable.                     
                                                            
53578 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Richard P. Monley   P8805



Libby likes men who are wired;                              
Men who from sex ain't retired.                             
She put Bob on Viagra,                                      
Now he flows like Niagara,                                  
And friends report he's inspired.                           
                                                            
53579 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Mira Carr                



With the 21st Century ahead,                                
By whom, will we choose to be led?                          
If a bright future's our goal,                              
We will choose Kemp and Dole!                               
And our flag will fly free overhead.                        
                                                            
53580 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



The White House is sick with dry rot,                       
Brought on by thick scandals and plots.                     
Bob Dole won't stop trying                                  
To keep it from dying.                                      
To save it, he'll give all he's got.                        
                                                            
53581 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



B-1 Bob simply won't go away                                
As he proves voter fraud in L.A.                            
He now has enough proof                                     
To raise Congress's roof,                                   
And make it clean up election decay.                        
                                                            
53582 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



E. Dole is not first choice of mine,                        
Having seen her mincing words so fine.                      
For my money,                                               
This southern honey                                         
Is Bill Clinton in full crinoline.                          
                                                            
53583 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Tom Simon                



And then there's the one of Bob Dole                        
Who's got one in every hole.                                
His penis engorged                                          
Dear Liddy gets splorged,                                   
While Bob Livingstone slips her his pole.                   
                                                            
53584 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE                            



While visiting Santa's North Pole,                          
They couldn't find Clinton a role.                          
The presents were wrapped                                   
And the reindeer had crapped.                               
"I have an idea", said Dole.                                
                                                            
53585 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   H Myers             T9712



A gent of Republican Creed                                  
Lost last election. Now freed,                              
To remake his face,                                         
It's still in same place                                    
And very DOLEFUL, indeed.                                   
                                                            
53586 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Chris Papa               



To Bob and Jack, a tough fight isn't new.                   
Now it's time to sign on to their crew.                     
We must put our oars in                                     
And help these men win                                      
As the finish line comes into view.                         
                                                            
53587 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Bob Dole took his time to decide,                           
The one who would stand by his side.                        
Then in proud voice,                                        
Announced Kemp as his choice                                
And let it be known nationwide.                             
                                                            
53588 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



That Bob Dole is confused is quite plain;                   
He will aid his wife's rival, McCain.                       
Why'd he two time his dame?                                 
Is Viagra to blame?                                         
Now he wants to "direct" her campaign.                      
                                                            
53589 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE                            



Liz' campaign needs lots of pots and new dough;             
His I'll raise 'em has Bob running her show.                
Yet she swears there won't be                               
A co-presidency;                                            
Will Bob stop his steering? Hell, no!                       
                                                            
53590 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE                            



Old Bob had decided to sire                                 
A cub with his shriveled up wire.                           
He got himself ready                                        
To find a good Betty,                                       
But if he says he came through, he's a liar.                
                                                            
53591 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Nate Birholzn            



Dole's nose dive left body guards shaken                    
And the toes of a camera man achin'.                        
But Bob bounced back with style,                            
As he quipped with a smile,                                 
"If you think, I've bailed out, you're mistaken."           
                                                            
53592 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



His critics say Dole really blew it,                        
With the simple drug message, 'Don't do it!'                
But they'll swallow their smirks                            
When they find that it works.                               
All it takes is the guts to say 'Screw it!'                 
                                                            
53593 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



His wife playing with candidacy,                            
For the U.S. presidency;                                    
Elizabeth Dole                                              
Does so well in a poll,                                     
No wonder old Bob had E.D.  (erectile dysfunction)          
                                                            
53594 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Frank Petersohn          



Sorrowful, sad, dismal, DOLEFUL,                            
He appeared ill, not merely woeful;                         
With loss he did grapple,                                   
A peck of pineapple                                         
Now filled him to brim, quite Dole full.                    
                                                            
53595 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Daniel Ford              



Poor old Dole, he sure needed a "bump",                     
(Pollster talk for a big ratings jump)                      
So he brought back the Voodoo,                              
The tax cuts, the doo-doo;                                  
He just may persuade Forrest Gump.                          
                                                            
53596 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   CB                       



Please do not vote for Bob Dole;                            
Don't put honorable men in control.                         
What? No high-level whoring?                                
That's utterly boring!                                      
And scandal is good for the soul.                           
                                                            
53597 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



The Dole gameplan is no mystery.                            
If you open your eyes you will see.                         
By reducing our tax,                                        
Sunny days will come back,                                  
Lifting burdens from you and from me.                       
                                                            
53598 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Senator named Dole                         
Who looked a lot like a mole.                               
He ran for high exec,                                       
But there's no way in heck                                  
That we'd elect him to the role.                            
                                                            
53599 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Mary Moglohon            



Bob Dole is exceedingly clever                              
In promoting the Senate's endeavor.                         
But for the campaign                                        
He was painfully plain:                                     
"Vote for me, vote for Libby--Whatever."                    
                                                            
53600 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Norm Storer         P9612



Robert Dole's age is no illusion.                           
Years ago he reached a conclusion.                          
Married the boss                                            
Of the Red cross,                                           
Just to get a free weekly transfusion.                      
                                                            
53601 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Tom Patton          P9609



Should George Bush and Liz Dole take control                
Of Al Gore and one more at the poll.                        
Would the nations's first Ms.                               
At Vice Pres be our Liz,                                    
Or the first at First Gent be Bob Dole.                     
                                                            
53602 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Prof M-G           TP9901



Mrs. Dole told her husband, "You lack,                      
A great deal of finesse in the sack,                        
Furthermore, I am sick                                      
Unto death of those Bic                                     
Ball Point pen marks all over my back."                     
                                                            
53603 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - DOLE   Bob Giandomenico    P9701



While visiting Santa's North Pole,                          
I saw a man boring a hole.                                  
I said, "Aren't you Al?"                                    
He said, "Yes I am, pal,                                    
And even here, I make boring my role.                       
                                                            
53604 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   H Myers             T9712



It is said Mr. Gore is a bore,                              
But Tipper does think so no more.                           
Al has a habit:                                             
Hops round like a rabbit                                    
Shitting little round balls on the floor.                   
                                                            
53605 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Oddo Von Schlong    T9710



It is said Mr. Gore is a bore.                              
His drone causes many to snore.                             
All those Sammies and Tammies                               
Get into their jammies,                                     
And some fall asleep on the floor.                          
                                                            
53606 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Al Willis           T9710



It is said Mr. Gore is a bore,                              
Because his wife Tipper's a whore.                          
Her nasty-ass clit                                          
Drools and it spits,                                        
When Al hits it with her on the floor!                      
                                                            
53607 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                       T9712



Said Clinton, "I'll just FAX and send                       
Al's protrait to Egypt, our friend!"                        
But devout felladeen                                        
Turned it down as obscene                                   
For resembling Khaddafy's rear end.                         
                                                            
53608 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Vassar W. Smith     P9305



McCain can be Pres in '04,                                  
If he steps through the Dems open door;                     
Bush's cash and ovations                                    
Give him renomination --                                    
But Dems want Anyone But Gore.                              
                                                            
53609 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Dr Limerick              



Said Al Gore, "I tried to distract,                         
But I lost and that's now a fact;                           
It's time now for healing,                                  
Though I have a feeling                                     
That I may have gotten Bush-whacked!"                       
                                                            
53610 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



I saw Gore on the Letterman Show;                          ;
He was witty, and seemed in the know.                       
If you want to know how,                                    
I can tell you right now;                                   
It's his much smarter clone, Billy Joe.                     
                                                            
53611 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Larry Hollister          



As Al Gore stood by with pride,                             
His wifes hands and ankles were tied.                       
Then into her rear                                          
Clinton shoved his spear;                                   
Cut her loose, Al; I'm ready to ride.                       
                                                            
53612 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   BJC                      



An entrepeneur is Al Gore;                                  
He rents out his wife as a whore.                           
With pleasure she fucks                                     
And earns the big bucks,                                    
And gives discounts to parties of four.                     
                                                            
53613 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   BJC                      



I'd have to say sex is real nice;                           
My Tipper knows how to entice.                              
And away I am carried...                                    
Why since we've been married,                               
We've actually done the thing twice!                        
                                                            
53614 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Al should lobby the courts, door to door,                   
Dressed as "Count" Dracula, he'd score.                     
Just like Halloween,                                        
Shout through the screen,                                   
"Doesn't matter Bush won, there'll be gore!"                
                                                            
53615 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Chinook                  



We could all feel a little bit cheerier                     
If when Gore visits Russia's interior,                      
Someone straps the galoot                                   
To a big parachute,                                         
And drops him off over Siberia.                             
                                                            
53616 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Tom Feeney indulged his obsession                           
To convene his own special session.                         
The chance of king-making                                   
Is well worth the taking;                                   
He must hurry to beat Gore's concession.                    
                                                            
53617 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Election 2000            



Sure is funny how Al Gore can lie,                          
While unable to look in the eye                             
Of the voters and say                                       
The same things everyday --                                 
He flip-flops and changes, but why?                         
                                                            
53618 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Nuevo apartheid, Al ranted;                                 
His view was outrageously slanted.                          
He won't live it down,                                      
This simpleton clown.                                       
Can you hear Forrest Gore being chanted.                    
                                                            
53619 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



When Bill's polls rose more and more,                       
It occured to the staid Al Gore,                            
"If sexual puddin'                                          
Can do your polls good 'n',                                 
I ought to go get me a whore.                               
                                                            
53620 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   MrMalo                   



BROW as sure as cold weather in winter                      
Or that paper gets stuck in a printer.                      
When Al Gores's attache                                     
Rubs the man the wrong way,                                 
He invariably get a splinter.                               
                                                            
53621 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Larry Hollister          



Gore suffers from "irritable bowel";                        
In Florida, he's screaming "foul!"                          
The big cry-baby                                            
Should accept that, maybe,                                  
It's time now to "throw in the towel."                      
                                                            
53622 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Observer                 



Conceding could make him a hero,                            
Instead of an absolute zero.                                
His life then, quite groovy,                                
Could become a movie;                                       
His part played by Robert DeNiro!                           
                                                            
53623 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Observer                 



Bradley, who's showing was poor,                            
Will soon turn it all over to Gore,                         
Who will then make his push                                 
To beat round the Bush,                                     
And we're in for ten more months of bore.                   
                                                            
53624 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



If Al Gore is to have some success                          
Cleaning up his Chinese Money mess,                         
He'll have to appease                                       
His friends overseas                                        
While avoiding his own U.S. press.                          
                                                            
53625 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



To be GORE'd in the butt will cause pain,                   
And a DICK up the sloop's, just the same.                   
Some feel great distaste                                    
With a BUSH in the face.                                    
No matter who won, we'd get bane.                           
                                                            
53626 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



The papers are busily printin'                              
That Gore has been more than just hintin'                   
Of a Wild Card to be                                        
His pick for V.P. ...                                       
Could the wild card be Teflon BILL CLINTON?                 
                                                            
53627 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Imagine a Gore-Clinton ticket!                              
Wouldn't that be a real sticky wicket!                      
(Don't holler, "No way!                                     
What a dumb thing to say,                                   
Even they know that that isn't cricket!")                   
                                                            
53628 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



You say, with your all-knowing smirk,                       
"Don't be stupid, you know that won't work.                 
Can't you see that that worm                                
Could serve a third term,                                   
If Gore were removed by some quirk?"                        
                                                            
53629 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



The letter, in fact, of the law                             
Contains in it more than one flaw.                          
Though he can't be elected,                                 
Bill could be selected                                      
By "fate" to that office of awe.                            
                                                            
53630 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



And as for removal of Gore...                               
If he were found dead on the floor,                         
I'd not be surprised                                        
Like some I've surmised.                                    
It's happened a few times before!                           
                                                            
53631 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



No party, despite insurrections                             
Would go in such outlandish directions;                     
The American folks                                          
Aren't such stupid blokes                                   
As they proved in the last two elections.                   
                                                            
53632 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Al Gore can cut jobs, it is known,                          
But the number of jobs is unknown.                          
He saved us one mill,                                       
And he's bragging still.                                    
And one of the jobs was his own.                            
                                                            
53633 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Al Willis                



Raising funds on the edge brings a cost.                    
Al Gore skated too close and he lost.                       
Clinton zigged, they he zagged                              
And left Al with the bag,                                   
Going down all alone, double-crossed.                       
                                                            
53634 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Al Gore has developed a MIEN;                               
He's trying to be more pristine.                            
If it doesn't work,                                         
The miserable jerk                                          
Can flush it all down the latrine!                          
                                                            
53635 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Observer                 



I looked all around to find Gore.                           
Did he opt to steer clear of Bill's war?                    
When his commander-in-chief                                 
Was in need of relief,                                      
Al was scarce as a live dinosaur.                           
                                                            
53636 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



I feel kind of sorry for Gore.                              
He said "yes" without knowing the score.                    
His career is now sunk                                      
Because of a skunk,                                         
And he's linked to a crook evermore.                        
                                                            
53637 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



It is said Mr. Gore is a bore;                              
To converse with him, really a chore.                       
But Hilly and Billy                                         
Can talk a man silly.                                       
For Gore bore, I'd go for some more.                        
                                                            
53638 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   PJ                  T9710



To raise money, Al Gore seems quite proud                   
That he used every loop hole allowed.                       
But poor Al never thought                                   
That he would get caught.                                   
Now his future is under a cloud.                            
                                                            
53639 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



It is said Mr. Gore is a bore --                            
What he needs is a good little whore!                       
He could try Little Bo Peep                                 
Or I'll lend him my sheep,                                  
And I'll bet he'll be begging for more!                     
                                                            
53640 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                       T9711



There once was a man named Al Gore                          
Whom everyone thought was a bore.                           
But since Clinton got busted,                               
Soon he will be trusted                                     
For sex on the Oval Office floor.                           
                                                            
53641 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



If Al Gore wins then millions will care                     
And obsess, agonize, pull their hair.                       
And what will so enthrall?                                  
The Inaugural Ball,                                         
And what stunning gown will Tipperware?                     
                                                            
53642 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Loren Fitzhugh           



As the White House unravels before us,                      
Al regrets his First Chair in the chorus.                   
So he waits patiently,                                      
Forming rings like a tree,                                  
While he waits for his own turn to bore us.                 
                                                            
53643 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



We had a Vice Prez, Al Gore,                                
Who was a terrible bore.                                    
Then he grew a beard,                                       
Which looked really weird,                                  
And shook all the Dems to thc core.                         
                                                            
53644 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Thomas Ratliff      P0304



Heir apparent to lead Uncle Sam                             
Was I once, sighed Al Gore, till that sham...               
So I've grown a goatee                                      
For the voters to see                                       
Who's the true Hair Apparent.  I am!                        
                                                            
53645 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Peter Wilkins            



I bought me a big SUV,                                      
In spite of Gore's poignant plea.                           
Al's found the solution                                     
To global pollution,                                        
But only for him, not for me.                               
                                                            
53646 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Popsicle           TP9807



After on Tipper's twat he had munched,                      
Al flipped Tip and then doggie style hunched.               
But he knew from her cry,                                   
That his aim was too high,                                  
And it was the wrong hole that he'd punched.                
                                                            
53647 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Michael Whalen           



This time I drew lines on your spine                        
For my prick and your slit to align                         
So back on your knees                                       
Bite your pillow please                                     
And I'll punch the right hole this time.                    
                                                            
53648 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Michael Whalen           



Gee Dubya's to be the new skipper;                          
Al's left in the bush with a dripper.                       
But why should I care,                                      
Strong leaders are rare;                                    
My personal favorite is Tipper.                             
                                                            
53649 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Dirruk                   



Do you know why Al Gore keeps campaigning                   
In Florida, where he's not gaining?                         
His manager's plan                                          
For less make-up, more tan,                                 
For debates and so Al is in training.                       
                                                            
53650 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Prof M-G                 



Al Gore's staff said, "Polls say our boss                   
May encounter an October loss.                              
He invented the Net!                                        
Cut our national debt!                                      
And he has so much faux gravitas!"                          
                                                            
53651 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   William N Nesbit    P0900



Let's hear it for President Gore!                           
He needs less than twenty votes more!                       
Gore in '99                                                 
Would suit me just fine,                                    
If Flint doesn't find him hard-core.                        
                                                            
53652 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Much rather have Bush than a Gore,                          
Who'd give nation's asshole a bore.                         
He'd screw us all quick,                                    
With a willy so slick,                                      
It'd seem like Clinton four more.                           
                                                            
53653 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Gearhart                 



Al put all his chips on the courts,                         
And took a big bite in the shorts.                          
But nevertheless,                                           
He expects success                                          
In two years, when the recount reports.                     
                                                            
53654 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Election 2000            



It seems the political bore                                 
Is showing up here by the score.                            
His beards in the can;                                      
He's looking quite tan;                                     
Good God!  Lookout!  Here comes Al Gore!                    
                                                            
53655 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



I feel empathy with Al Gore;                                
His dream up in smoke, he feels sore.                       
Al, it ain't such a loss                                    
If you're like your ex-boss;                                
In the outside world, pussy galore!                         
                                                            
53656 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Even though Al Gore was rejected,                           
It seems he has been resurrected.                           
On the tube see him gloat                                   
As he's stealing the vote.                                  
Seems THIS 'pussy' will soon be elected...                  
                                                            
53657 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



At long last, the real Al Gore                              
Is ready to treat it like war;                              
His new-found aggression                                    
Should leave an impression                                  
On those who once found him a bore.                         
                                                            
53658 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Dr Limerick              



Who knew that Vice President Gore,                          
Whom millions of liberals adore,                            
Is in such despair                                          
That he thinks facial hair                                  
May help him in 2004.                                       
                                                            
53659 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Phil T                   



"My fuzz I'll remove with this snipper,"                    
Says Al, (with his beard, looking hipper).                  
"'Cause you plan to run                                     
For the Senate.  All done!                                  
What? You won't?  Just score one for the Tipper!"           
                                                            
53660 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Peter Wilkins            



If I may inject one name more;                              
What about President-wannabe Gore?                          
He would jump to conclusions                                
About ozone pollutions,                                     
While we count time to 2004.                                
                                                            
53661 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Steevo                   



For more recounts, Gore is still pleading,                  
Though rightfully should be conceding;                      
The self-centered clown                                     
Brings our nation down.                                     
For him, voters hearts must be bleeding.                    
                                                            
53662 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Observer                 



Bill said to the Singapore whore,                           
"Just where did you intern before?"                         
"It was in China                                            
Where we use vaginas;                                       
Now I clerk for the monk's friend, Al Gore."                
                                                            
53663 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Marsha Magee             



Gore's tactics are right from the book                      
Machiavelli, if you'd only look.                            
He wants to be "The                                         
Prince" over us. Duh!                                       
Like Niccolo', by hook or by crook.                         
                                                            
53664 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   William A Taylor         



The good folks of PETA implore                              
That firms test cosmetics no more                           
On hapless young mice.                                      
(Indeed, not very nice),                                    
But continue to test on Al Gore.                            
                                                            
53665 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



The President just endorsed Al:                             
"He could lead the country right now!"                      
But Al we know well                                         
Is boring as hell;                                          
Gore may as well throw in the towel.                        
                                                            
53666 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Now the question arises for sure:                           
Just what job can Gore find that's secure?                  
He's got time on his hands,                                 
While he lays out his plans,                                
For a comeback in two-thousand-four.                        
                                                            
53667 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Cried Tipper, "Why Al those look awfully                    
Like Cocoa Puffs made of dark toffee.                       
Now just think of it!                                       
Were it money you shit,                                     
You'd be a hit at a fundraising coffee!"                    
                                                            
53668 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Al Gore's life is increasingly tense,                       
As his lawyers plot out his defense.                        
Asian monks, temple gongs,                                  
Campaign funding gone wrong.                                
Mr. Gore should have used better sense.                     
                                                            
53669 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Jim Weaver Collection    



Could it be he's just trying, my dear,                      
To say what we all want to hear?                            
And once in control,                                        
He'll take his wee pole,                                    
And screw one and all in the rear?                          
                                                            
53670 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Gore's plan, in deciding careers,                           
(Once he brushes aside any tears,                           
And is not too despondent):                                 
A white house correspondent!                                
He'll interrogate Bush next four years!                     
                                                            
53671 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE                            



Asked a survey of women, door-to-door --                    
For sex with Al Gore, would he score?                       
Ten percent said "No way!                                   
I prefer my sex gay!"                                       
Ninety said, "Who the hell is Al Gore!"                     
                                                            
53672 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   H Myers            TP9804



Charismatic? He's hardly the Gipper;                        
Mr. Rodgers is probably hipper.                             
But Al Gore's running strong                                
With the food-service throng,                               
'Cause his wife is a really big Tipper.                     
                                                            
53673 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Larry Hollister          



WOODEN was the way of Al Gore,                              
Whose speeches produced a mass snore.                       
He'd no help from Bill,                                     
Who thought him a pill,                                     
And wondered what V.P.'s were for.                          
                                                            
53674 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - GORE   Chris Papa               



Al Sharpton in 2004?                                        
When I saw that, my jaw hit the floor.                      
There's no fucking way                                      
That on election day,                                       
I will vote for that coiffed camera-whore.                  
                                                            
53675 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Tomer Chiran             



Bill Bradley, Bill Bradley, Bill Bradley;                   
You seem to be polling so badly,                            
This primary season.                                        
Pray what is the reason?                                    
We'd vote you for president gladly.                         
                                                            
53676 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Prof M-G                 



The candidate Patrick Buchanan                              
Is armed with the biblical canon.                           
He preaches hellfire,                                       
So draws a crossfire.                                       
Even God cannot help Pat Buchanan                           
                                                            
53677 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Larry Dahl               



A friend of the indigent classes                            
And also of Jackie Onassis,                                 
He was praised in the news                                  
For his catholic views,                                     
And he never neglected the masses.                          
                                                            
53678 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Laurence Perrine    P8411



Pat Buchanan's the one candidate                            
Who says freedom is what he'd create.                       
But if he had his way,                                      
Then if pregnant or gay,                                    
Your bod would belong to the state.                         
                                                            
53679 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



Candidate Buchanan assumes                                  
An electorate drawn from barrooms.                          
He's really a clown,                                        
And his shirt is as brown                                   
As the tracks in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.                    
                                                            
53680 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  CB                       



There once was a man named Buchanan,                        
Despised for the platform he ran on.                        
In comparison, Dole,                                        
Looked like less an asshole,                                
Leaving Clinton one less leg to stand on!                   
                                                            
53681 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Paul                     



There once was a general called Powell                      
Who shouldn't have thrown in the towel.                     
For he'd come tops in pollin',                              
If they didn't make Colin                                   
Sound just like the end of your bowel.                      
                                                            
53682 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Mesterton-Gibbons        



Though our forces salute General Powell,                    
There's no candidate he'll disembowel.                      
For he'd only run                                           
If he'd already won                                         
And the others had thrown in the towel.                     
                                                            
53683 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Larry Dahl               



Mister Duke has no use for the Klan now,                    
He's matured and is quite spic-and-span now.                
David's altered his views                                   
About kill all the Jews.                                    
And has friends Afro-American now.                          
                                                            
53684 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



David Duke is the sort that could spawn                     
A rebirth for our land--a new dawn.                         
He'd dispell our ennuI                                      
With a cross burning spree,                                 
Which he'd air from the White House's lawn.                 
                                                            
53685 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



David Duke says that now he's maturer                       
Than before, and a great deal securer.                      
In his view, things would be                                
So much better if he                                        
Were elected America's Fuhrer.                              
                                                            
53686 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



The former VP, Fritz Mondale,                               
Has a problem that seem's to entail                         
When he speaks on TV                                        
Inarticulately,                                             
The voters doze off without fail.                           
                                                            
53687 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Arthur Deex         P8411



Foul rumors: Gary Bauer's a fur-man?                        
Some ladies he had his fat worm in?                         
The stories some weave                                      
Are hard to believe;                                        
He looks too much like Pee Wee Herman!                      
                                                            
53688 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR                           



Gary Hart, a bright future did paint,                       
But there was one major complaint.                          
He met with Miss Rice,                                      
And he paid the full price,                                 
'Cause he just wouldn't practice restraint.                 
                                                            
53689 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Gifford Wherry           



All the flak that he gets seems a shame,                    
But there's only himself he can blame.                      
He's been caught in the act                                 
Of concealing the fact                                      
That Hotpence is his actual name.                           
                                                            
53690 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  A. N. Wilkins       P8803



The affair Gary had was bizarre;                            
Eating Rice in motels goes too far.                         
He'd have not paid the price                                
If he took good advice                                      
To let Ted take her home in his car                         
(Politician Gary Hart played games with Ms Rice)            
53691 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Al Chaplin          P2005



while fooling around with a tart,                           
Poor Gary was not very smart.                               
Now, politically,                                           
He's depressed as can be,                                   
For he is a real broken Hart!                               
                                                            
53692 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Dohner         P8805



Politicians, like some high strutting tart,                 
Are flaunting their wares a la carte.                       
Each new bumper sticker                                     
Makes me sicker and sicker...                               
Oh spare me from "I love Hart".                             
(the rebus 'I heart-symbol heart-symbol')                   
53693 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Arthur Deex         P8405



A man in the news -- Gary Hart --                           
Did things that were not very smart.                        
They all thought he was out                                 
But he said, "I'm no lout!                                  
I stayed right at home with a tart!"                        
                                                            
53694 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Dohner         P8805



Gary Hartpence gave his voters the sense                    
That his chance for success was immense.                    
But what popped his bubble                                  
And caused all his trouble,                                 
Is that he kept dropping his pence.                         
                                                            
53695 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  A. N. Wilkins       P8707



The dwindling dwarfs cause no fuss;                         
The polls show who's minus, who's plus;                     
But we're taken aback                                       
By this new Hart attack --                                  
Gary sure has a Hart on for us.                             
                                                            
53696 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Arthur Deex         P8803



"The way Gary Hart cavorts,                                 
There's the rumor," explained Mrs. Schwartz,                
"That is he can horn in                                     
When the guy's finally sworn in                             
As chief he'll wear only his shorts.                        
                                                            
53697 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  A. N. Wilkins       P8802



Gary Hartpence, as always quite chipper,                    
Still hopes to succeed the old Gipper,                      
And the motto he'll sport                                   
To gain proper support                                      
Is, "This time, win one for the zipper."                    
                                                            
53698 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  A. N. Wilkins       P8801



There's too many right wingers of late.                     
Preaching this message of Haight.                           
I say Haight should beware,                                 
'Cause he might take the stair                              
That delivers him to Satan's gate.                          
                                                            
53699 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR                           



Jerry Brown points out Government misuse                    
And advocates Armed Forces disuse.                          
To discuss more he's loath,                                 
Since he once took an oath                                  
Of silence (on all major issues).                           
                                                            
53700 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Arthur Deex         P9205



To the mystical boosters of Brown,                          
Jerry's influence, wealth and renown                        
Is the proof that they need                                 
Each of them can succeed,                                   
For an "out" doesn't have to be "down."                     
                                                            
53701 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



A White House contender, Kucinich,                          
Whose main source of protein is spinach,                    
Though so very healthy,                                     
Ain't delegate-wealthy;                                     
He won't have a stake at the finich!                        
                                                            
53702 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR                           



I'll put brakes on inflation; what's more,                  
Drive deficits down to the floor;                           
I'm of the new breed,                                       
And I'm guaranteed,                                         
For five years, and not just for four.                      
                                                            
53703 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Ed Potts            P8501



In the presidential campaign,                               
New Hampshire did choose John McCain.                       
The voters PORTEND                                          
A possible trend                                            
Toward national capitol gain!                               
(election 2000 USA)                                         
53704 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Observer                 



The message came through loud and clear,                    
Good news for McCainites to hear,                           
And far as I see,                                           
Has GWB                                                     
Now crying a lot in his beer.                               
                                                            
53705 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Chris Papa               



Said McCain, "I am feeling aghast...                        
Barely out of the gate, I was passed!"                      
Then Doc's AUSCULTATION                                     
Increased his frustration,                                  
When informed, "It's because your half-fast!"               
                                                            
53706 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Observer                 



Paul Tsongas's argument he's                                
The one for the job of Big Cheese                           
Seems to rest on the claim                                  
He's the creme de la creme,                                 
Since he beat a life-threatening disease.                   
                                                            
53707 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



"Self reliance," Phil Gramm's people say,                   
"Is the proper American Way.                                
And to be on the Dole                                       
Is not on the roll                                          
Of approved family values today."                           
                                                            
53708 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  A. N. Wilkins       P9508



When it looked like Ralph Nader would foil it,              
Helpless Gore made a run for the toilet.                    
In his manner concise                                       
Ralph gave Al sound advice:                                 
"Just abandon this race or you'll spoil it."                
                                                            
53709 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Al Chaplin          P0012



A father, who felt rather trusty,                           
Sent off his young daughter, quite busty,                   
To work as intern.                                          
He had little concern                                       
'Cause Nader at sex was too rusty.                          
                                                            
53710 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Frank Fazed              



You'll probably think I'm no smarty,                        
But both of those dogs need a hearty                        
Ass kicking or two.                                         
So here's what I'll do:                                     
I'll vote for Ralph Nader's Green Party.                    
                                                            
53711 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Frank Fazed              



And you can just think what it means,                       
Those interns in twenties and teens,                        
Who wouldn't think twice                                    
And would heed Ma's advice:                                 
All kids should just eat up their Greens.                   
                                                            
53712 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Tiddy                    



Ross screwed up in 1992;                                    
It seems that his brain cells are few.                      
Reform's saving hand                                        
Would have been Richard Lamm;                               
Perot simply hasn't a clue.                                 
                                                            
53713 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Nelson Seggley           



Turn on the microphone -- Hush!                             
Dare I say it? -- President Rush?                           
He would ponder and banter,                                 
A professional ranter,                                      
While the nation sank deep in the mush.                     
                                                            
53714 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Steevo                   



Lush Rimbaugh, before he got lean,                          
Is riding a fucking machine.                                
As Mario Cuomo                                              
Buggers a homo,                                             
Damnedest thing I've ever seen.                             
                                                            
53715 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR                           



So no one will misapprehend                                 
That Tom Harkin's the working man's friend,                 
He invokes dad, a miner,                                    
Who was never a whiner                                      
And his immigrant mom without end.                          
                                                            
53716 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



Tom Harkin's deceit's to pretend                            
He's the downtrodden working man's friend,                  
Since his dad was a miner.                                  
This program's definer                                      
Is the timeworn, old bunk, "Tax and spend."                 
                                                            
53717 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  John Sandler        P9204



"It's not hopeless, but still I confess,"                   
Walter Mondale complained in distress,                      
"Though I could beat Reagan,                                
That born-again pagan,                                      
I can't run against all the press."                         
                                                            
53718 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  A. N. Wilkins       P8411



Mondale, as you know, is a schiz                            
Ophrenic who lives by his wits.                             
Walter's sugar and spice                                    
And everything nice...                                      
And the bad things were all done by Fritz.                  
                                                            
53719 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  Arthur Deex         P8408



Guinevere is the nickname he's got,                         
And they say Walter Mondale is hot                          
About having that name.                                     
Folks say it's a shame                                      
But it's clear that he loves Lance a lot.                   
                                                            
53720 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR  A. N. Wilkins       P8411



The Republican lead got much greater,                       
And the Democrats started to crater,                        
When the President's tonic(a)                               
Went from sax to Whoremonica,                               
And Gore's hopes went from zenith to Nader.                 
                                                            
53721 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - MINOR                           



H. Ross is a man that I like,                               
With a presence not seen since old Ike.                     
With madness quite clear                                    
And that grin ear-to-ear,                                   
And like Ike, brain-dead as a spike.                        
                                                            
53722 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Jim Weaver Collection    



It's time for Reform: Ross and Chote!                       
Not Bob in his tie and his coat,                            
Nor Bill's open fly,                                        
Both have had their last try.                               
Now be sure to get out and vote!                            
                                                            
53723 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Stephen Fierbaugh        



If you must vote for better, then go                        
And squander your vote on Perot.                            
Then you can say smugly                                     
(When things turn quite ugly)                               
"Remember that I told you so!"                              
                                                            
53724 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Jim Weaver Collection    



I've had my fill of old farts,                              
Like Reagan and Bush for starts.                            
I'd rather have Gore                                        
And Bill and his whore,                                     
Than Ross and his fucking charts.                           
                                                            
53725 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  MrMalo                   



Said H. Ross Perot, "You can thank                          
Me for covering right or left flank.                        
I abandoned the corps                                       
At the first sign of war,                                   
And cried all the way to the bank."                         
                                                            
53726 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Martin Wellborn     P9206



Ross Perot walked through Dodge to a cheer.                 
He was nude and blamed Kitty 'cause "We're                  
Strolling out on the prairie                                
And she stripped me. It's scary,                            
And then she said, 'Go to town,' so I'm here."              
                                                            
53727 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Don Moore           P9402



We've not heard from Ross for awhile,                       
With his cat/canary big smile.                              
I'd rather Bill's peter                                     
Than Ross for our leader;                                   
We don't need a dictator's style.                           
                                                            
53728 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Frank Fazed              



You've all heard of Roswell, I know;                        
Where all little Aliens go.                                 
They're there in small hangars,                             
Massaging small whangers;                                   
They all look just like Ross Perot!                         
                                                            
53729 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Marsha Magee             



I never heard him say, "Whoa!"                              
So, therefore, I can't really know.                         
But, shave Gabby Hayes,                                     
And in many ways,                                           
He'd probably pass for Perot!                               
                                                            
53730 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Larry J. Davis      P9402



George Bush and Quayle? NO NO NO!                           
Bill Clinton and Gore? HO HO HO!                            
From all that I hear,                                       
No-one's voting this year,                                  
By the way--who is H. Ross Perot?                           
                                                            
53731 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  John Roberts        P9301



There was an old man named Perot,                           
An awesome political foe.                                   
He talked with reporters,                                   
Got lots of supporters,                                     
And then said, "Hey, I gotta go."                           
                                                            
53732 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Jim Weaver Collection    



I think I can give Ross Perot                               
Image help with his upcoming show.                          
Though he's got lots of money,                              
He still looks too funny.                                   
Those ears really do have to go.                            
                                                            
53733 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Larry Dahl               



There once was a man named Ross,                            
Who put SPAM on dental floss.                               
Now he's a rich millionaire                                 
With big ears and a flair                                   
And he wants to be the nation's boss.                       
                                                            
53734 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Andrew Wiseman           



A billionaire from Texas named Ross,                        
His hat in the ring, he did toss.                           
While some were excited,                                    
Lots more were afrighted                                    
At the prospect of Ross for a boss.                         
                                                            
53735 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Jim Weaver Collection    



The desperate will vote for Perot,                          
Adding graphs and charts for the show.                      
We know he can hear                                         
As he looks "all ear",                                      
But each time I see him, they grow!                         
                                                            
53736 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Jim Weaver Collection    



Ross Perot, you should not fool around.                     
Your charts may be very profound.                           
Don't try to be funny,                                      
Just please put your money                                  
Where your moutth is, four feet from the ground.            
                                                            
53737 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Jim Weaver Collection    



We've had it with elephants and donkeys,                    
Who've driven the nation to its knees.                      
Ross is the boss!                                           
A win, not a loss!                                          
It's time for a change, if you please.                      
                                                            
53738 POLITICS - CANDIDATES - PEROT  Jim Weaver Collection    



For affirmative action compliance,                          
Personnel hired dwarfs, and some giants.                    
But the Government clerk                                    
Charged with checking their work                            
Snarled, "Now take on some monkeys and lions."              
                                                            
53739 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          John Sandler        P9110



Air bags promise disaster protection,                       
But they're cursed with a gross imperfection.               
They are dangerous and could                                
Do far more harm than good,                                 
If they happen to win an election.                          
                                                            
53740 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          William N. Nesbit   P9702



The Government, I think, is a leech                         
That sucks of the blood of us each.                         
The CIA's evil,                                             
FBI's medieval,                                             
The IRS far out of reach.                                   
                                                            
53741 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Jim Weaver Collection    



We live in a sort of democracy,                             
That they say is a meritocracy.                             
But the Bell Curve go hang,                                 
If you'll pardon my slang,                                  
I think it's a sycophantocracy.                             
                                                            
53742 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          David Martin             



Bedfellows make strange politicians,                        
No exception are those old Patricians.                      
They go around haughty,                                     
But in fact, are so naughty,                                
They could easily be labeled 'clinicians.'                  
                                                            
53743 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Ystap              TP9802



With the Bill of Rights so much "adjusted",                 
That I think that it's already busted.                      
I think any such stains                                     
Will wash off when it rains,                                
But the Framers would still be disgusted.                   
                                                            
53744 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Jim Weaver Collection    



The government is always right;                             
For their people, they'll stand up and fight.               
If you believe this,                                        
Then you must be quite pissed,                              
For they fuck you, and then say you're tight!               
                                                            
53745 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Bobby                    



Now, the shut-down may have the potential                   
To cause congress and those presidential,                   
And their cronies with clout,                               
To be quickly phased out.                                   
They've been proven to be non-essential.                    
                                                            
53746 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          William N. Nesbit   P9602



You can't hate Old, Aleut, Arab, Jew,                       
Fems, gays, cripples, unwed, Hindu,                         
Yet you're urged without fail                               
Just to loath a white male                                  
If he earns very much more than you.                        
                                                            
53747 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Jim Weaver Collection    



Succumbing to political usurpation,                         
Done by zealots with dark sophistication,                   
Despite church and state separation,                        
With their president's strong approbation,                  
Of constitutional stricture against rule by the scripture,  
Holy Rollers seek control of our nation.                    
53748 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



Though we've beaten the Soviet scum,                        
And castrated his trade-union chum,                         
What may yet overwhelm                                      
The defence of the realm,                                   
Is the threat of the unmarried mum.                         
                                                            
53749 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Linda Marsh Coll         



Most assholes are right in the middle;                      
While Washington burns they just fiddle.                    
Saying, "Why should we care                                 
About what they do there?"                                  
(Non-assholes DO care just a little.)                       
                                                            
53750 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Jim Weaver Collection    



The Politicos all think they oughter                        
"Put a stop to this terrible slaughter".                    
If these bozos are heeded,                                  
A permit'll be needed                                       
In order to drink plain old water.                          
                                                            
53751 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY                                   



Since the pols know the vote balance-sheet                  
Shows that tenants could hand them defeat,                  
They control landlord's prices.                             
The result of this vice is                                  
To make property rights obsolete.                           
                                                            
53752 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          John Sandler        P9108



To stand in the "Rocket's Red Glare,"                       
And promote the standard WASP prayer                        
To shine God's holy light,                                  
On those who think right,                                   
By the Hyocrite's Oath I do swear.                          
                                                            
53753 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          John Roberts        P9301



But when it comes down to the crunch,                       
Never seen such a whiney-assed bunch.                       
The piss and they moan                                      
O'er Moet and Chandon,                                      
When the lobbyists take them to lunch.                      
                                                            
53754 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a Province that's governed on tick,                 
And it's bound to collapse with a click;                    
For what they call France                                   
Is the workings of chance,                                  
And it's making our Government sick!                        
                                                            
53755 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Rudyard Kipling1888 P8903



Politicians, I say, are immutable.                          
And some of them even unscrutable.                          
Now some like to lie,                                       
And then alibi,                                             
But their speeches are most indeglutible.  (unswallowable)  
                                                            
53756 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Jim Weaver Collection    



Why send those crooks to DC,                                
To finagle where no one's to see?                           
Might they not stay at home                                 
Near the end of a phone,                                    
And confer via hi-tech TV?                                  
                                                            
53757 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          John Paulk          P9301



The liberals are bootlicking sissies,                       
Who live off the dole with ass-kisses.                      
That kind of a wanker                                       
Is naught but a canker;                                     
Invective's the fuel the world misses.                      
                                                            
53758 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY                                   



In God there's no longer much trust;                        
The court system's no longer just.                          
The President's shit                                        
And congress should quit,                                   
And the taxes drive everyone bust.                          
                                                            
53759 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY                                   



The merchants all give shady deals;                         
Junk food costs as much as good meals.                      
Most doctors are quacks,                                    
And the journalists hacks,                                  
And just about everyone steals.                             
                                                            
53760 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY                                   



The kids say they think it's "real cool"                    
To learn nothing good while in school.                      
Educators (it's funny)                                      
Think the answer is money;                                  
And discipline?  Hell, no!  That's cruel!                   
                                                            
53761 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY                                   



Rags to riches by way of hard work?                         
Not likely! And if by some quirk                            
You invent something great,                                 
You'll be told, "It's to late!                              
Our patent prevails!" (with a smirk)                        
                                                            
53762 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY                                   



You're strapped in, whatever you do;                        
One goof and some bastard will sue.                         
Your words, though well-meaning,                            
They'll scream are "demeaning"                              
(Especially so if they're true).                            
                                                            
53763 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY                                   



I apologize for the rant;                                   
Humor, sometimes we just can't                              
Find in our hearts,                                         
When those Washington farts,                                
Don't think of nothing but pants.                           
                                                            
53764 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Arden                    



The world didn't end in Ohio,                               
Or here, on El Cinco de Mayo.                               
Despite warnings dire                                       
That the world would expire,                                
It's still adding lines to its bio!                         
                                                            
53765 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Prof M-G                 



When zealots gain control of our nation,                    
It will cause us profound consternation.                    
They'll kill Wade versus Roe,                               
And the first thing you know,                               
They'll outlaw oral sex and fornication.                    
                                                            
53766 POLITICS - CONSPIRACY          Arnie Schoenbrun         



Did you see the Republiconvention?                          
Many luminaries to mention,                                 
Then Bob and Jack ran in                                    
To Patrick Buchanan...                                      
A bone of Republicontention.                                
(Bob Dole and Jack Kemp 1996 - Buchanan right wing asshole) 
53767 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Writerman                



"The two-party system's all right,"                         
Declared a campaigner named Dwight.                         
"But at my age," he said,                                   
I wish to old Ned                                           
That they didn't both come the same night."                 
                                                            
53768 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         A. N. Wilkins       P8411



The convention was packaged and slick;                      
Mr. Clinton's speech sure did the trick.                    
But alas! He's dismayed;                                    
For a change, he's betrayed                                 
By his OTHER philandering Dick.                             
                                                            
53769 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Stargazer                



The method, it's worthy of mention,                         
Was not of the founders' intention.                         
Some say with firm voice                                    
He's the nominee's choice;                                  
Some say he's hand-picked by convention.                    
(On Choosing a Presidental Running Mate)                    
53770 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Laurence Perrine    P8411



The trouble with party conventions                          
Is they're full of pretense and pretensions.                
It doesn't make sense:                                      
That applause so immense                                    
For a fat bunch of honorable mentions.                      
                                                            
53771 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Laurence Perrine    P8411



No easy committee was ours.                                 
We sat, we debated our powers,                              
Each motion, each second,                                   
Our chairwoman reckoned                                     
From reading the minutes, took hours.                       
                                                            
53772 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Laurence Perrine    P8411



Political conventions we see,                               
Most NEBULOUS fluff that can be,                            
A yawn-making boar!                                         
Both the Bush and Gore                                      
Camps are trying to con you and me.                         
                                                            
53773 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Chris Papa               



Cried our Chief, when he'd read it, in brief:               
"This really exceeds all belief!                            
Who'd have thought that our platform                        
Could ever take that form?                                  
Can't run on or stand it! Good Grief!"                      
                                                            
53774 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Laurence Perrine    P8411



The Republicans at a convention,                            
Had a theme they neglected to mention.                      
If you're pro-choice or gay,                                
Black or poor, STAY AWAY!                                   
The "Big Tent" party can't stand dissension.                
                                                            
53775 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         Blaze                    



When conventions are called to convene,                     
They initiate efforts to screen                             
The candidates names,                                       
Their claims and their aims                                 
That affect the political scene.                            
                                                            
53776 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         R. J. Winkler       P8411



We've all seen Bob Dole pull his stock up.                  
The nomination's a lock-up.                                 
But 'tis easy to see,                                       
The tired old GOP                                           
Is just a white male retro cock-up.                         
                                                            
53777 POLITICS - CONVENTIONS         CB                       



Shed a tear for that guy, Alex Haig --                      
He of sentences wordy and vague.                            
His intention it seems:                                     
Screw the world till it screams --                          
Make it whimper and grovel and beg.                         
                                                            
53778 POLITICS - EXEC                Neal Wilgus         P8205



The Secretary of State must be vague,                       
And also a good-natured egg.                                
He must have a big smile                                    
To cover his guile.                                         
We have all this in Alex M. Haig.                           
                                                            
53779 POLITICS - EXEC                Ed Wolfert          P8205



Bill Bennet can sit on my glass                             
And spin around fast on his ass.                            
An enema stout                                              
Will cure him, no doubt,                                    
Of spewing his crap to the mass.                            
                                                            
53780 POLITICS - EXEC                H WHELCHEL               



How does one picture Ed Meese?                              
As head of our nation's police?                             
Ambiguous reading:                                          
Is old Edwin leading,                                       
Or fleeing from keepers of peace?                           
                                                            
53781 POLITICS - EXEC                Alice Ross          P8805



Janet Reno completed some math;                             
Billy Gates is now feeling her wrath.                       
This bucks, some do say,                                    
The American way...                                         
"Stomp anyone blocking your path!"                          
                                                            
53782 POLITICS - EXEC                John Miller              



Mayor Daley's was twelve and three-tenths,                  
Which in anyone's league is immense.                        
Internationally his peter's                                 
Thirty-one centimeters -                                    
To be shown at the World's Fair for Gents.                  
                                                            
53783 POLITICS - EXEC                Arthur Deex         P8208



A destitute lady named Beggs                                
From hunger was on her last legs.                           
As she walked through the city,                             
The old mayor took pity                                     
And he slipped her some sausage and eggs.                   
                                                            
53784 POLITICS - EXEC                Albin Chaplin   3024-0039



Mondale's for spending our pelf --                          
Dusting old party plans off the shelf:                      
New Deals, New Frontiers,                                   
Cars with no manual gears                                   
So no man need shift for himself.                           
                                                            
53785 POLITICS - EXEC                Arthur Deex         P8405



Modern science has taken us far                             
Though forensics are sometimes bizarre--                    
The ID of Ron Brown                                         
When that aircraft went down?                               
DNA of the hand in the cookie jar.                          
                                                            
53786 POLITICS - EXEC                Arthur Deex         P9606



I said to the Russian Premier,                              
"Your ways are charming and dear.                           
And I find it germane                                       
That you use "yellow rain"                                  
In lieu of a trial by one's peer."                          
(yellow rain - supposed poison was bee shit)                
53787 POLITICS - EXEC                Arthur Deex         P8302



There once was a man named Sununu                           
Who was sure he knew more than you do.                      
But our Earth is still warming,                             
While our allies are storming,                              
And he and Bush "study" what to do.                         
                                                            
53788 POLITICS - EXEC                Wildlife Federation P9105



There once was a man named Sununu                           
Who was sure he knew more than you do.                      
He grabbed his computer                                     
To be a disputer.                                           
But of solutions, he hasn't a clue to.                      
                                                            
53789 POLITICS - EXEC                Wildlife Federation P9105



There once was a man named Sununu                           
Who was sure he knew more than you do.                      
He doesn't.                                                 
                                                            
(this series found in a Wildlife Federation press release   
by Harry Themal)                                            
53790 POLITICS - EXEC                Wildlife Federation P9105



There'll be no surgeon general's chair                      
For the doctor, but looking elsewhere                       
To find something new                                       
For this wizard to do,                                      
Clint might think about Foster care.                        
                                                            
53791 POLITICS - EXEC                A. N. Wilkins       P9508



"When a senator strongly promotes                           
The dole," the Vice President notes,                        
"It's not only plain                                        
That he thinks it humane,                                   
But he hopes it will win him some votes."                   
                                                            
53792 POLITICS - EXEC                A. N. Wilkins       P8609



The office which Arnold had sought,                         
With Gray Davis coming to naught,                           
"Mid great public praise,                                   
Like the Cedar Blaze,"                                      
Elected by press JUGGERNAUT.                                
                                                            
53793 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Chris Papa               



The L A Times, the Dem's back stabber,                      
Caused its constituents' YABBER,                            
'Bout man with strange tongue,                              
Our Arnold, well hung,                                      
Who found fun as a fanny grabber.                           
                                                            
53794 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Chris Papa               



There once was an actor Teutonic                            
Whose ego was quite supersonic.                             
He would compete                                            
For the governor's seat.                                    
His speeches at least are laconic.                          
                                                            
53795 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Timothy Torkildson       



Gubernatorial's hard to say.                                
I think Arnold will say it okay.                            
With his German accent,                                     
All the sounds may be bent;                                 
Grab her clitorial would be his way.                        
                                                            
53796 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Tom Patton          P0311



To get my campaign back on track,                           
I'm sorry for couth, that I lack.                           
With my sex appeal,                                         
I must cop a feel.                                          
So after I win, Ah'll be bahk.                              
                                                            
53797 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Limerick Savant          



California, the state is grand.                             
We ousted that Gray Davis man.                              
Refined the past;                                           
Freedom at last!                                            
Now Mr Universe pushes his plan.                            
                                                            
53798 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Anon                     



Our country has come very far,                              
When we find that a Hollywood star,                         
As a big candidate                                          
With Merits first-rate,                                     
As "Terminator" AVATAR.                                     
                                                            
53799 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Chris Papa               



His hummers he scores from Maria,                           
Who gets him off frequently via                             
Her succulent lips,                                         
Which she deftly slips                                      
Over Arnold's well-stuffed beef tortilla.                   
                                                            
53800 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Anon                     



His hummers he scores from Maria,                           
Who gets him off frequently via                             
Her succulent lips,                                         
Which she deftly slips                                      
Over Arnolds well-stuffed beef tortilla.                    
                                                            
53801 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Randog                   



A candidate named Arnold said, "Please,                     
I've groped some; it's true.  I'm a tease.                  
Hitler I admire;                                            
He does light my fire;                                      
Not the titties and ass that I squeeze."                    
                                                            
53802 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Dave Winer               



Surely the mind must begger                                 
At the election of Guv Schwarzenegger;                      
As that stuff on his face,                                  
(That's ex-Guv Davis's case)                                
Is courtesy of Arnold, the egger.                           
                                                            
53803 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Stu Lucas           P0311



Arnold's legal advisor, McGregor,                           
Claims they captured that egg-tossing beggar.               
Arnold's payback is edgy:                                   
He gives him a wedgie,                                      
So Arnold, in fact, shorts an egger.                        
                                                            
53804 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Jerry Nordal        P0311



On Arnie's first day on the job,                            
The state was attacked by a mob,                            
Who saw little humor                                        
In movies like "Junior"                                     
But strangely liked "What about Bob?"                       
                                                            
53805 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Chris Vickery            



On Arnie's first day on the job,                            
He smiled full of cheese at the mob.                        
"Oh really, you guys,                                       
This is such a surprise!"                                   
While the rest of the world looked agog.                    
                                                            
53806 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Gina Peach               



They called Arnold the Austrian Oak,                        
When he had Mr Universe hopes.                              
But if he's thinking of                                     
Running for Calif guv,                                      
You can call him the Austrian joke.                         
                                                            
53807 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Dr Limerick  03-28-01    



With latest news I deftly coped                             
'Cause it isn't the way that you hoped.                     
The Press is a liar;                                        
It's girls I admire,                                        
And Hitler's the one that I groped.                         
                                                            
53808 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Limerick Savant          



While attired in splendor sartorial,                        
Arnold tried to say "gubernatorial".                        
Although it's absurd,                                       
He choked on the word,                                      
So Gray will conduct the memorial.                          
                                                            
53809 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



Folks out west in the land call La-La,                      
Just went through a big BROUHAHA.                           
With finances in a crater,                                  
They elect Terminator                                       
And bid clueless governaor ta-ta.                           
                                                            
53810 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Norm Brust               



In the spirit of Western Expansion,                         
Now Arnold's in the Governor's Mansion.                     
But his last name's so long                                 
And the rhymes are all wrong,                               
That the limerick would lose all its scansion.              
                                                            
53811 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV                                   



Why did lightening strike Jeb Bush's plane?                 
Just coincidence and heavy rain?                            
Or did God not approve                                      
A State Library move,                                       
And strike Bush to reveal his disdain.                      
                                                            
53812 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Lims for 2003            



Richard's slur hit George Bush in the gut;                  
We dismissed her as partisan nut.                           
With election defeat,                                       
Poor Ann's kicked in the seat,                              
With a big silver foot up her butt!                         
                                                            
53813 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Jim Weaver Collection    



Guiliani, the hound for attention                           
Now whines that the press shouldn't mention                 
His marial woes                                             
Or who comes and goes                                       
In his private home, Gracie Mansion.                        
                                                            
53814 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Dr Limerick  05-23-01    



We've a rich yuppie gov in N.J.;                            
Whitman hurts public schools every day.                     
Her kids learned the rules                                  
In their private schools:                                   
If you pay you can have it YOUR way.                        
                                                            
53815 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          MrMalo                   



There once was a Gov. named J. Brown;                       
To some, he was only a clown.                               
As Gov, it would seem                                       
They called him Moonbeam,                                   
And now he's the talk of the town.                          
                                                            
53816 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Pete Wilson              



Observing the bulge in his khakis,                          
The Governor said to his lackeys,                           
"No, not on your life                                       
Am I hot for my wife,                                       
I am hot for that fellow Pataki's"                          
(what or who is a Pataki?)                                  
53817 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Blue-eyed Devil          



He cried when he lost the election;                         
Governor Timmy was not the selection.                       
They uncovered his past                                     
At a movie, at last;                                        
Adultry in the balcony section!                             
                                                            
53818 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Limerick Man        T9801



California will vote a recall                               
To force Gray Davis to fall.                                
Many pundits with views,                                    
Will extol all this news.                                   
As for me, I'll be watching football.                       
(Gov Gray Davis of Calif recalled 2003)                     
53819 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          The Sailor          P0310



Ventura leans well to the right,                            
And with bipartisan help he just might                      
Wage a brilliant campaign,                                  
For a guy who's won fame                                    
By faking a make-believe fight.                             
                                                            
53820 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Bob Birch                



Some say that Ventura's a ringer,                           
But here's the political zinger,                            
I sure hope you'll take note,                               
That he'll get my firm vote,                                
If he runs against old Jerry Springer!                      
                                                            
53821 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Bob Birch                



We know Jesse "The Brain" is a dude,                        
Who wants power in ways that are crude.                     
He will diddle around                                       
Until he has found                                          
His own level of ineptitude.                                
                                                            
53822 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          William N Nesbit         



Way back in 1849,                                           
California's gold did shine.                                
But they can't muster                                       
That same luster                                            
Casting votes before their swine.                           
                                                            
53823 POLITICS - EXEC - GOV          Timothy Torkildson       



Czech-born Albright, oh say can you see,                    
Where next year you are likely to be.                       
Will you stay Sec. Of state                                 
Till Bill shuts the gate?                                   
Are you mulling Czech presidency?                           
                                                            
53824 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Ester Koch               



Havel's told you, he's wished it were so.                   
Your Czech vote valid still?  Do you know?                  
Twice you fled homeland fray;                               
Lucky you, safe away;                                       
Will you tempt fate again or say whoa?                      
                                                            
53825 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Ester Koch               



Milosevic, Yeltsin, and Bill                                
Have all been indicted, but will                            
Even one of these pricks,                                   
Charged with something that sticks,                         
Be excluded from Joe's Bar and Grill?                       
                                                            
53826 POLITICS - FOREIGN                                      



There once was a famous oration                             
Promoting the birth of a nation,                            
In a Tenterfield hall,                                      
Men heard Parkes' call                                      
Which led to our great federation.                          
                                                            
53827 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Mark Allen               



Do the Bosnian splattered in blood                          
Need our geo-political crud.                                
Self-righteous yet craven                                   
We vow a "Safe Haven",                                      
A ghetto, where death is aflood.                            
                                                            
53828 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Birne               P9406



In Kigali where justice is slain                            
And children scream out in their pain                       
Help foreigners hie,                                        
Then turn a blind eye,                                      
So that primitive slaughter can reign.                      
                                                            
53829 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Birne               P9406



If a crime is a crime is a crime                            
To be punished severely each time,                          
Is caning a Yank                                            
And scarring a flank                                        
An excess, without reason or rhyme?                         
                                                            
53830 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Birne               P9406



Is every friend to be sainted?                              
Is everyone else somehow tainted?                           
Can black be called white                                   
And day renamed night?                                      
Can myths be so simply repainted.                           
                                                            
53831 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Birne               P9406



Let victorious might rule the sky,                          
To dictate where Iraqis may fly.                            
Don't ask for their reason,                                 
Declare "open season",                                      
To be caught in the air is to die!                          
                                                            
53832 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Birne               P9406



Provide Comfort, with staff and with rod;                   
Dispense Justice with cursory nod.                          
But make a mistake                                          
And Innocence take,                                         
So we learn what it's like to play God.                     
                                                            
53833 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Birne               P9406



Banana-Republican brothers                                  
Can always count on one another.                            
A nod and a wink                                            
Are sufficient, I think,                                    
To have infant domocracy smothered.                         
                                                            
53834 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Dr Limerick              



An eloquent young man named Demude                          
Said, "The family allowance is crude;                       
Every time a Quebecker                                      
Whips out his old pecker,                                   
Some taxpayer in Ontario gets screwed.                      
                                                            
53835 POLITICS - FOREIGN             John R. Colombo     P9704



A useless old pol named of Bennett,                         
In sex-wasted years in the Senate,                          
Proposed just one bill,                                     
Preventing Brazil                                           
From selling us carloads of rennet.                         
                                                            
53836 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Armand E Singer       379



Prince Albert is surely God's Acre;                         
For here, hewn on stone from his Maker,                     
Was our great Bill of Rights                                
Carried down from the heights                               
By His prophet, John G. Diefenbaker.                        
                                                            
53837 POLITICS - FOREIGN             F. P. Hughes, Ontario 84b



Is Nicaragua's depiction                                    
Of the Freedom Fighters fiction?                            
Running this by a few,                                      
Half the lies were untrue.                                  
C. I. Aid the Contra-diction.                               
                                                            
53838 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Murky Ireland       T9711



A president once, the poor beggar,                          
Went out for a coup with au rigor.                          
He returned from the coup                                   
With his clothing askew                                     
And a smile on the face of Noriega.                         
                                                            
53839 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Arthur Deex         P8911



Open trade with the Cong?  Yep, that's right.               
Befriend them with all of our might!                        
While our neighbor, Fidel,                                  
Can just go to hell.                                        
Trick question: Which one did we fight.                     
                                                            
53840 POLITICS - FOREIGN             John Miller              



Ah yes, I forgot JFK                                        
Who left some good friends in a bay                         
And failed in his plot                                      
To have Castro shot;                                        
Since we goofed, Mr Castro must pay!                        
                                                            
53841 POLITICS - FOREIGN             John Miller              



Disagree, and we hate you, unless                           
You fight, then our love we profess.                        
Even Schroedinger's Cat                                     
is no stranger than that;                                   
Such logic's beyond me, I guess.                            
                                                            
53842 POLITICS - FOREIGN             John Miller              



In Brigade 2056 they say, "Hell!                            
Picking up senoritas is swell.                              
But the moment we dread                                     
Is when they start to shed --                               
It reminds us too much of Fidel."                           
                                                            
53843 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Arthur Deex              



A general once lived named de Gaulle,                       
Five hundred years old, ten feet tall.                      
He thought he was God,                                      
Which was really quite odd,                                 
For God's David Frost, after all.                           
                                                            
53844 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Paul Bristow             



Diplomacy's often complex,                                  
And sometimes its doubletalk text                           
Must serve as a ruse,                                       
In hopes to confuse                                         
Fanatics who don't wish us best.                            
                                                            
53845 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Anon                     



But sometimes we must speak our mind                        
In words that are clearly defined,                          
Which don't minimize                                        
American lives,                                             
To calm down fanatical minds.                               
                                                            
53846 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Anon                     



I just returned from vacation;                              
Now I sit here in utter elation.                            
I got great head in Cuba,                                   
Got laid in Aruba,                                          
Now I'm Ambassador of Foreign Relations.                    
                                                            
53847 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Fgo                TP9804



Four Men of the Year--I'm aghast!                           
Their aim--to make peace that will last.                    
When they meet, I surmise                                   
They will unzip their flies,                                
And resume what they did in the past.                       
                                                            
53848 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Al Chaplin          P9402



A man from France, the other day,                           
Chastised the US to Tom Delay.                              
He then asked the man,                                      
"Sir, do you speak German?"                                 
"No".  "You're welcome," and Tom walked away.               
                                                            
53849 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Al Bienstock             



In '43, France's in a bind,                                 
With Krauts ramming them from behind.                       
Now with gratitude,                                         
France is being a prude.                                    
What if the US had said, "Never mind!"                      
                                                            
53850 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Frosty                   



If not for Marines and their Shermans,                      
All of France would still be full of Germans.               
They say we've no class;                                    
They can all kiss my ass,                                   
Because they treat us like we're vermin.                    
                                                            
53851 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Frosty                   



The French have always been fickle,                         
Sucking up to the 'Hammer and Sickel.'                      
When shove comes to push,                                   
They'll be there with Bush,                                 
Or their oil will come in a trickle.                        
                                                            
53852 POLITICS - FOREIGN             John Henry               



When the EU meets once again,                               
They will all decry France's Le Pen.                        
But fuss as they ought,                                     
They're just mad he got caught;                             
"We with Hitler would rise once again!"                     
                                                            
53853 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Tomer Shiran             



There was a great German grammarian,                        
Whose grandmother wasn't an Aryan,                          
So his books have been burned                               
And his person interned,                                    
And his doctrine denounced as barbarian.                    
                                                            
53854 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Thomas Thornley          



The dastardly fraud, Jaques Chirac,                         
Who scorned our appeal to attack,                           
His motive was oil                                          
From 'neath Arab soil.                                      
Now he'll get no more from Iraq.                            
                                                            
53855 POLITICS - FOREIGN             The Sailor          P0306



Said Carter to __________, "My word,                        
It appears you've behaved like a turd.                      
But would you come to speak                                 
To my Sunday School next week,                              
Since we're feathers right off the same bird."              
(use North Korean tyrant or Serban cutthroat)               
53856 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Phil Cannibal       P9501



Saw this girl at the Henley Regatta,                        
Enjoying champagne and a natter.                            
I said, "Pardon me,                                         
Aren't you Rusty Lee?"                                      
She said, "No, I am Jomo Kenyatta."                         
                                                            
53857 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Kevin Hale               



In Rwanda a government guy                                  
Demonstrated their brand new war cry.                       
You could hear every word                                   
Of a song you have heard;                                   
As he sang, "Tut, Tut, Tutsi goodbye."                      
                                                            
53858 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Tom Patton               



There was an old Mickey named Cassidy                       
Who was famed for impromptu mendacity.                      
When asked did he lie,                                      
He replied, "To reply                                       
Would be to impugn my veracity."                            
                                                            
53859 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Conrad Aiken             



It's the Serbs, Bill will now reprimand.                    
He will show them the strength of his hand.                 
Over seventy times,                                         
Citing Serbian crimes,                                      
He again draws a line in the sand.                          
                                                            
53860 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Jim Weaver Collection    



Pyongyang and Paree have a scheme                           
To combat the world as a team.                              
For Kim and Chirac                                          
Are about to embark                                         
On an axis of low self-esteem.                              
                                                            
53861 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Graham Lester            



A Fascist, erect and irate,                                 
With the pose of implacable fate,                           
Said, "Our triumph has been                                 
To make a machine                                           
To be worked by the will of the Great.                      
(Democratic large cities do this all the time)              
53862 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Thomas Thorneley         



Now, TIME says that signing a truce                         
A Man-Of-The-Year should produce;                           
But is it so wise                                           
To name four old guys?                                      
I'd say they are playing it Luce.                           
                                                            
53863 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Norm Storer         P9402



Since four old men are losing virility,                     
They decide to abandon hostility.                           
With a bit of persuasion                                    
They rise to the occasion,                                  
Before they lose all their ability.                         
                                                            
53864 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



In order to stem the drug flow,                             
A deal was made with Mexico.                                
But their drug czar's a crook,                              
A fact we overlooked.                                       
Maybe someday we'll learn, but we're slow.                  
                                                            
53865 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Jim Weaver Collection    



When the Russians mailed us an epistle                      
That flew through the air with a whistle,                   
We waited in doubt                                          
And suspense to find out                                    
Was it missive or missal or missile? --                     
Was it miss-all or instant dismissal?                       
53866 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Laurence Perrine    P8406



The people say missiles deject 'em,                         
For billions were spent to erect 'em.                       
But the cost to detect                                      
What the foe did erect,                                     
Plus the tax for defense is what wrecked 'em.               
                                                            
53867 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Albin Chaplin   3024-2536



The election date's set, so we're off;                      
It's true, so don't anyone scoff.                           
Tony says "Please,                                          
Enough of this sleaze.                                      
It's our turn to get at the trough!"                        
                                                            
53868 POLITICS - FOREIGN             John Fernbank            



Bill Clinton, he really pushed NAFTA.                       
He pleaded. "We hafta. We hafta."                           
But H. Ross Perot                                           
Kept saying "No! No!"                                       
Insisting it will mean the shafta.                          
                                                            
53869 POLITICS - FOREIGN             RenWa (Gifford Wherry)   



Old Bill said, "We're going to have NAFTA.                  
I'll buy it, by God, if I HAFTA!                            
We'll get oodles and gobs                                   
Of good paying jobs--                                       
Our constituents? They'll get the SHAFTA!"                  
(NAFTA - North American Free Trade Agreement)               
53870 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Frank Ward          P9401



This NAFTA could be a real pain.                            
It means there'll be gardeners to train.                    
When word of mouth                                          
Lures them all to the south,                                
We'll have what you call the Bean Drain.                    
                                                            
53871 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Larry J. Davis      P9401



I don't care what Bill Clinton says;                        
I will miss old Jose Perez.                                 
With NAFTA in place,                                        
He shifted his base.                                        
He now makes handguns in Juarez.                            
                                                            
53872 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Larry J. Davis      P9401



When Nafta goes into effect,                                
Three countries will wind up a wreck.                       
Mounties will sweat,                                        
Our backs will get wet,                                     
And Pancho will live in Quebec!                             
                                                            
53873 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Larry J. Davis      P9401



There was an old sage of New Dehli,                         
Who said, "When you're kicked in the belly,                 
By a neighboring tribe,                                     
Don't browbeat or bribe.                                    
Be Nehru, not Machiavelli."                                 
                                                            
53874 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Joyce Parr               



Our Commander-in-Chief and Hussein,                         
By their actions, show they're quite the same --            
When impeached or bombed out,                               
They both show there's no doubt                             
That they just cannot comprehend shame.                     
                                                            
53875 POLITICS - FOREIGN             William N Nesbit    P9902



Mandela, Rabin, And DeKler'                                 
And Arafat say, "Here Here, Sir;                            
A Peace Prize is fine;                                      
A prize Piece is divine.                                    
Can we each choose the one we'd prefer?"                    
                                                            
53876 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Theo Heller         P9402



The nasty old nutcase named Kim,                            
Got hold of some nukes; things look grim.                   
And just F.Y.I.,                                            
We've no S.D.I..                                            
I guess Ronnie wasn't so dim.                               
                                                            
53877 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Graham Lester            



"Though," said Bill, "we have talked a whole lots           
We've signed nothing on lines of black dots.                
Though I like both of you                                   
Yassar: Netanyahu.                                          
We're three leopards who won't change our spots.            
                                                            
53878 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9706



The free world looks up to the States;                      
As a country you're one of the greats.                      
But your not the world's police,                            
So don't treat us like geese,                               
Or you'll find that you'll run out of mates.                
                                                            
53879 POLITICS - FOREIGN                                      



Said Paisley, "I've given up hope;                          
The world's on a mad slippery slope.                        
What a farce they have made                                 
Of my brilliant crusade,                                    
For I've been nominated as Pope."                           
(Paisley - Protestant Separatist in Ireland)                
53880 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Frank Richards           



History remembers peacemakers.                              
They are lauded as movers and shakers.                      
When push comes to shove,                                   
The carnivorous dove                                        
Spares the mouse photo opps for film makers.                
                                                            
53881 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



Peace negotiations were bitter                              
But now the whole world is a-twitter.                       
And the four Nobel Brothers                                 
Wonder who screwed the others,                              
And who get the pick of the litter.                         
                                                            
53882 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Theo Heller         P9402



The Soviet Union had a coup;                                
The regime didn't know what to do.                          
As it turned out a failure,                                 
They said "We've no sale" here,                             
The leaders took off -- they just flew!                     
                                                            
53883 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Arthur Pattaffy          



That old Ozymandian sonnet                                  
Doesn't tell the whole story, doggonnit:                    
I hear they've just found                                   
Ozzie's tomb in the ground                                  
With 'Sic Semper Tyrannis' scrawled on it.                  
                                                            
53884 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Norm Storer              



Clinton says with his usual bombast,                        
"Missle danger's a thing of the past."                      
But I guess we won't know                                   
Till the sky's all aglow.                                   
That is, if we live through the blast.                      
                                                            
53885 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Jim Weaver Collection    



F. W. and Nelson are tired;                                 
For violence no longer wired.                               
Dare to lead, seize the day,                                
History's annals will say                                   
That the twins, Peace and Freedom, they've sired.           
(DeKlerk and Mandela)                                       
53886 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



There once was a young girl from Spain                      
Who ran for the Liberal campaign.                           
She said to Jean Cretian                                    
"You must run again.                                        
Even if you do use Rogaine!"                                
                                                            
53887 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Vanessa Chu              



Well, I see our first trade war's begun,                    
But this time it must be in fun.                            
From the brags I've seen here                               
We have nothing to fear;                                    
Our bananas are second to none!                             
                                                            
53888 POLITICS - FOREIGN             John Miller              



Of all wars, those of trade are most fun.                   
Peaceful Bill need not carry a gun.                         
And with the confusion                                      
In reaching conclusion,                                     
He can easily claim that we won.                            
                                                            
53889 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Jim Weaver Collection    



The president knows all the tricks,                         
How the world's major problems to fix.                      
He invites the world's scum                                 
To convene -- so they come,                                 
And he sucks on their pustular pricks.                      
                                                            
53890 POLITICS - FOREIGN             Albin Chaplin   3024-1748



Ex-President Mr Suhato                                      
Was once Asia's biggest tomato.                             
He is ill, poor bloke;                                      
He's had his third stroke.                                  
To his crimes, he has no obbligato?                         
                                                            
53891 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA                               



In China they have human rights,                            
But exercised only at nights.                               
Accusees confess                                            
But must China bless                                        
Before they can get human rites.                            
                                                            
53892 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Irving Superior     P9812



Did those guests who helped Navy cadets                     
Crash a sub through a fishing boat's nets,                  
Also board EP-3                                             
On the South China sea,                                     
To help down one of China's war jets?                       
                                                            
53893 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA                               



Why did China so quickly turn nice?                         
Did you think that one sorry'd suffice?                     
No, it freed U.S. crew,                                     
When it learnt that it's true,                              
There's a White House insider called Rice!                  
                                                            
53894 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA                               



More yen and new cars and more Gucci;                       
Japan's new PM is Obuchi.                                   
But did they impound                                        
A fiscal bloodhound                                         
Or an LDP-loyal lap-poochy.                                 
                                                            
53895 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Knotweed                 



The atom bombs dropped in the war                           
Destroyed ninety thousand or more.                          
But the Japs attacked slyly                                 
With their stratagem wily,                                  
And with Hondas, they bettered the score.                   
                                                            
53896 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Albin Chaplin   3024-2832



Old distempers are flaring this year.                       
As it heats up, they break out more biers;                  
And it's ever more glummer                                  
And hotter this summer,                                     
For those who remain in Kashmir.                            
                                                            
53897 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Jim Weaver Collection    



Clinton states, just as if it were true,                    
"Russian missiles aren't pointed at you!"                   
To that, I've one word:                                     
I think it's absurd!                                        
We'll be safe when Bill bids us adieu.                      
                                                            
53898 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Jim Weaver Collection    



North Korea snookered Slick Willie                          
In a way that maked him look silly.                         
And I guess I would laugh                                   
At his policy gaffe,                                        
Except the consequences are chilly.                         
                                                            
53899 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Al Bienstock             



To stop nuke testing, Bill made a deal                      
With the late father of Kim Jong Il.                        
But the man is as bad                                       
As was his evil dad,                                        
And Clinton gave a license to steal.                        
                                                            
53900 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Al Bienstock             



One can discern, if one is not dense,                       
North Korea's now stopped all pretense                      
Of not being hell-bent                                      
On some nuke armament,                                      
Thinking that there's US somnolence.                        
                                                            
53901 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Al Bienstock             



Kim must think that we're preoccupied;                      
So belligerence he has now tried.                           
Clinton's team he could spurn;                              
Now it's Dubya's turn --                                    
Nuclear arms he will be denied.                             
                                                            
53902 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Al Bienstock             



Though we haven't yet quite understood,                     
We've all bonded.  We were told we would.                   
With flags from the Chinese                                 
On our cars, Japanese.                                      
We have made ourselves feel pretty good.                    
                                                            
53903 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



They say Marcos rigged the election,                        
To guard against voter rejection.                           
But Aquino and crew                                         
Knew just what to do;                                       
Left exile his only selection.                              
                                                            
53904 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Gifford Wherry           



A politician seeking election                               
Sought support from his Asian section.                      
Said an ardent supporter,                                   
As he left their quarter,                                   
"Rots of ruck, sir, in your erection."                      
                                                            
53905 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA                               



An AUTOCRAT was the old Czar,                               
With lineage that was carried far.                          
This despotic sort                                          
Had his life cut short                                      
By a peasant who was commissar.                             
                                                            
53906 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Chris Papa               



In a relationship straight out of Plato,                    
The Russians have made up with Nato.                        
No conjugal bliss                                           
Or even a kiss,                                             
But at least no more throwing tomatoes.                     
                                                            
53907 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Dr Limerick  05-29-02    



We've gone to unusual expense                               
To thwart any Russian offence.                              
And our fortunes won't falter --                            
We are firm as Gibraltar --                                 
But we'll never survive our defense.                        
                                                            
53908 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Albin Chaplin   3024-2563



A Russian spy ship was seen in the Straight                 
Between Canada and Washington state.                        
To protect their disguise,                                  
The laser-beamed our guy's eyes.                            
Why isn't the U.S. irate?                                   
                                                            
53909 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Jim Weaver Collection    



To Yeltsin now Clinton will plead,                          
"No nukes to Iran, please concede.                          
If you will play ball,                                      
I'll see you don't fall,                                    
And supply all the women you need."                         
                                                            
53910 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Jim Weaver Collection    



His positions we see as quite porous;                       
Yeltsin faces a tough hostile chorus.                       
From what we've withstood,                                  
He looks pretty good;                                       
We'd gladly trade Clinton for Boris.                        
                                                            
53911 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Jim Weaver Collection    



The Communists hate Isle Taiwan,                            
Success-story phenomenon;                                   
They never admit,                                           
Not one tiny bit,                                           
Like when it is gone, it is gone.                           
                                                            
53912 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Armand Singer            



NATO's Turkey, they will not support                        
The treaty they signed, they'd abort.                       
Their word you can't believe --                             
They're Away With Out Leave --                              
On the butt of the world, they're a wart!                   
                                                            
53913 POLITICS - FOREIGN - ASIA      Al Bienstock             



So...Slobby rejected our deal;                              
It's time the serbs finally feel                            
The secret bomb's effect.                                   
Lewinsky's blow is perfect                                  
'Cause it makes every Yugoslav reel.                        
                                                            
53914 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



It's that old thing, Catch 22,                              
No choice but to see the thing through.                     
We've helped his campaignin'                                
To dump the Albanians;                                      
We've just got to hope for a coup.                          
                                                            
53915 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



Since NATO a war can't afford,                              
Milosevic/Clinton a sword.                                  
In some neutral place                                       
Let them face to face.                                      
And bow to the one that's not gored.                        
(If Clinton would not, maybe Gore'd).                       
53916 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS   Irving Superior          



If our soldiers' defences unravel                           
While diplomats contentedly cavil,                          
Then pull the troops out                                    
And let Navy guns shout,                                    
Till you can't tell Sarajevo from gravel.                   
(cavil - chickenshit quibbling)                             
53917 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS   Bruce Thompson           



The gypsies need someplace to go.                           
This looks like a job for NATO.                             
Some folks will object,                                     
But oh, what the heck,                                      
Let's just let them have Kosavo.                            
                                                            
53918 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS   DC Dave                  



There was an old man from Belgrade,                         
Who thought that he had it quite made.                      
When his skull felt a bomb,                                 
His friends sang a psalm,                                   
'Cause the old SOB is quite dade.                           
                                                            
53919 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



Yes, and an old lady too                                    
And some kiddies before they were through.                  
Our "intelligence" staff                                    
In just one more gaffe,                                     
And the Home pegged as Milsovec HQ.                         
                                                            
53920 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



Before the bombs started arriving,                          
The Kosovars were still surviving.                          
But the UN has gone,                                        
Giving Slobo clear run;                                     
I'm sure he's a safe hole to dive in.                       
                                                            
53921 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



Both ladies and men teach kids hate;                        
Just look at the poor Balkans fate.                         
Large family sizes,                                         
But few surprises,                                          
Killing seems their burden great.                           
                                                            
53922 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS   Chris Papa               



There was a big jerk from Belgrade,                         
Who heard begin another air raid.                           
He thought it would pass,                                   
But his head's in his ass,                                  
So to Hell he was not delayed.                              
                                                            
53923 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



The latest on Milosevic                                     
He lives in a cell inside which                             
His cell mate named James,                                  
Who's no good with names;                                   
Calls him Slobberdown Mydickyoubitch                        
                                                            
53924 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



And when it comes down to the clutch,                       
Old Milosevic hasn't got much.                              
Resistance is futile,                                       
Our response will be brutal                                 
With big B2 bombers and such.                               
                                                            
53925 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



Now, the Serbs, a dysfunctional nation,                     
Deem Albanians dross of creation.                           
After centuries of crap                                     
Might they unite and zap                                    
Macedonians, out of frustration?                            
                                                            
53926 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



Albanians want warfare to cease                             
And the Serbs to just leave them in peace.                  
Then with all their might,                                  
They can start fight                                        
Macedonia onward to Greece.                                 
                                                            
53927 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS                            



"Who goes there?" said St Pete, "Stop that din!             
Needn't knock if your cleansed of all sin.                  
Slob Milosevic?  Hey!                                       
Go to hell right away!"                                     
"Sir, I did, but they won't let me in!"                     
                                                            
53928 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BALKANS   Prof M-G                 



There was an old Member called Bevan                        
Who wanted to make Britain heaven.                          
When they said, "You will fail."                            
He replied, "Ebbw Vale                                      
Gives the strength to its children of seven."               
(ebbw vale = ??)                                            
53929 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Barbara Leigh            



If Britain were only a yacht,                               
We'd be out of this mess like a shot,                       
With Ted and his crew                                       
Knowing just what to do,                                    
But it isn't and so we are not.                             
                                                            
53930 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS                              



The Conservative standings aren't rising;                   
A fact that is hardly surprising.                           
As each week in bed,                                        
Another member's found dead,                                
In a position that's quite compromising.                    
                                                            
53931 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tim                      



The Brits have directed the flux                            
Of rex and of vox and of dux.                               
The rex wears the crown,                                    
But power sifts down                                        
To the folks who vox votes on a dux.                        
                                                            
53932 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Laurence Perrine    P8605



Dux and rex are not bound to one sex.                       
It is clear now, or do I perplex?                           
In sum, vox elects;                                         
But some, dux selects.                                      
It's a delicate mix, but it works.                          
                                                            
53933 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Laurence Perrine    P8605



There was a lean lordling named Hugh,                       
Who looked like a pious Hindu;                              
but beneath that disguise                                   
We could all recognize                                      
The chief of a cannibal crew.                               
(about the Cecil family)                                    
53934 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Punch 1904        (Bibby)



"Common Market?" said Harold, "Of course                    
I'll plead with De Gaulle till I'm hoarse,                  
We'll go on a spree --                                      
Just Georgie and me,                                        
We'll pull off a real tour de force."                       
                                                            
53935 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     S C Bulley        (Bibby)



"Non, non", said de Gaulle with a shout.                    
"I'm determined to keep Britain out!"                       
Harold puffed at his pipe,                                  
Said, "The moment's not ripe --                             
But the cause is quite right, I've no doubt".               
                                                            
53936 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     S C Bulley        (Bibby)



But suddenly Harold was sacked                              
And strange to relate -- though 'tis fact --                
When Ted came along,                                        
Harold's right became wrong --                              
He abandoned the cause he had backed.                       
                                                            
53937 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     S C Bulley        (Bibby)



"Naughty! Naughty!" said Shirly and Roy,                    
"Let's restrain this obstreperous boy --                    
His hatred of Ted                                           
Must have gone to his head                                  
Or he would not these tactics employ".                      
                                                            
53938 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     S C Bulley        (Bibby)



Now, you may well look askance;                             
It's fun watching Blair's clever dance.                     
With answers so pat,                                        
He doesn't fall flat,                                       
'Cause the questions he knows in advance.                   
                                                            
53939 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tiddy Ogg                



They duck and they dive and they weave,                     
And they spin with intent to deceive;                       
They bluster and bluff                                      
When the going gets tough,                                  
And their crap they assume we believe.                      
                                                            
53940 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Peter Wilkins            



It's fun though, to watch them at play.                     
In the Commons they argue and bray;                         
They shout and they jeer                                    
Or just giggle if queer;                                    
Beats a comedy show any day.                                
                                                            
53941 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Peter Wilkins            



The Honourable Lady for Gloucester,                         
Friendships with tenants did foster;                        
When they realised the fact,                                
They were caught in the Act;                                
At the next election they lost her.                         
(Sally Oppenheim, Conservative)                             
53942 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Arthur Latham (Labour)   



Thomas Hobbes of Malmesbury thought                         
Life was nasty and brutish and short;                       
But contracts, once made,                                   
Would come to our aid,                                      
And ensure modest comfort - at court.                       
                                                            
53943 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Peter Alexander          



When Ireland was bloody and leaderless,                     
The tedious, garrulous Daedalus --                          
Having failed both as priest                                
And as Glorious Beast,                                      
Sailed away to write books that were readerless.            
                                                            
53944 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Gina Berkeley            



An Anglican bard named of Parr                              
Strummed this on his six-stringed guitar,                   
"I sing of the mores                                        
Of rich English Tories,                                     
Who somehow let things go too far."                         
                                                            
53945 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Armand E Singer       646



European Union?  Oh no!                                     
That's not the way we want to go.                           
We get very cross                                           
If we're not the boss,                                      
Rather like the Merkins, you know.                          
                                                            
53946 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tony Burrell             



The Germans have made great success                         
With financial skill to impress,                            
But Britons stand off;                                      
Prefer their own trough;                                    
It seems we prefer our own mess.                            
                                                            
53947 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tiddy Ogg                



'Neath the Channel they work 'round the clock,              
Drilling through limitless rock.                            
Cecil Parkinson's role                                      
With regard to this hole,                                   
Is to plug up the end, with his cock.                       
(an MP, fathered child by secretary amid much publicity)    
53948 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tony Davie Collection    



Lady Astor, M.P. for Sobriety.                              
Mrs. Wintringham -- she's for Propriety.                    
Now Berwick-on-Tweed                                        
With all speed has decreed                                  
Mrs. Phillipson wins -- for Variety.                        
                                                            
53949 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     A E Halliday      (Bibby)



Democracy works (entre nous)                                
When a knowing intelligent few                              
Tell the people: "You rule!"                                
And each plebian fool,                                      
Says, "Right, Guv'nor, what must we do?"                    
                                                            
53950 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     W. Stewart               



Tony Blair was a marvelous host,                            
As he skewered Chirac at a roast.                           
And to honor Jeanne d'Arc,                                  
That Gallic bench mark,                                     
The meal was topped off with French Toast.                  
                                                            
53951 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tutta                    



A Solon + Shakespeare named Shaw,                           
Wished to practice St. Pancras's law;                       
He'd a moderate mind                                        
And to progress inclined,                                   
But St. Pancras resisted his jaw.                           
(About George Bernard Shaw)                                 
53952 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Punch 1904        (Bibby)



Harry Wuchowski's surname                                   
Has changed because of his fame.                            
The state does not like him,                                
And rather than strike him,                                 
They cut off the end of his name.                           
                                                            
53953 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Al Willis           P9509



In the days of the Emperor Ming,                            
They'd beat Harry Wu and he'd sing.                         
Speaking of wu,                                             
I've a hairy one two,                                       
For that is the Chinese for 'thing'.                        
                                                            
53954 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Thomas Patton       P9509



Said Beijing: "What's Red China to do?                      
Chou En-lai's dead and Mao is too...                        
Still, the West threatens sanctions                         
And now the World Bank shuns                                
Us for beating our own Harry Wu!"                           
                                                            
53955 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Oscar B. Leone      P9509



In the capital city of Peking,                              
It's the good old days we're seeking.                       
We'd play a tattoo                                          
On poor Harry Wu;                                           
Then the US and I would stop speaking.                      
                                                            
53956 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Thomas Patton       P9509



Hong Kong has reverted to China,                            
Britain says no gesture could be finer;                     
Forgetting the odium                                        
Of having smuggled opium                                    
And grabbed it like a hungry hyena.                         
                                                            
53957 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



For years in a place called Hong Kong                       
The Brits and Chinese got along                             
With no real Democracy                                      
Until -- what hypocrisy!                                    
It was time for Great Britain's swan-song.                  
                                                            
53958 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     M. Mestert               



The Brits' House of Commons is grand;                       
Their show helped me to understand                          
Why England's in trouble:                                   
Because in that rubble,                                     
Not ONE speaker first raised his hand!                      
                                                            
53959 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Travis Brasell           



The Brits' House of Commons is great,                       
I stayed up and watched them quite late,                    
On our C-SPAN station,                                      
Broadcast 'cross the nation;                                
By jove, all that action's first rate!                      
                                                            
53960 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Travis Brasell           



Sir John Shagbag (Conservative, Nore):                      
"The Honourable Lady's a whore.                             
Even now, you know what?                                    
Churchill's prick's in her twat."                           
(Some applause.  Labour cries of "Withdraw").               
                                                            
53961 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Anon                     



Britannia, I love you, my pet,                              
Some fine Empire drawers I will get,                        
And they'll keep a cover                                    
From all but your lover,                                    
On that place where the sun never set.                      
                                                            
53962 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS                              



The chief delectation of summer                             
Which will stop it becoming a bummer,                       
Will be throwing sharp darts                                
At unprintable parts                                        
Of a picture of John Selwyn Gummer.                         
(JSG - Minister of Ag during Mad Cow Disease flap)          
53963 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Peter Toye               



The chief delectation of summer:                            
The clicking of crickets and hum 'o                         
The bee; scents of flowers;                                 
Still, sunlit hours;                                        
And absence of John Selwyn Gummer.                          
(JSG - Minister of Ag during Mad Cow disease flap)          
53964 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Fred Robinson            



Sir John Shagbag (Conservative, Nore):                      
"The Honorable Lady's a whore.                              
Even now, you know what:                                    
Churchill's pricks in her twat."                            
(Some applause. Labour cries of 'Withdraw')                 
                                                            
53965 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



When are you guys going to get real?                        
Left calling Right "You're a heel!"                         
All your verses are crap                                    
With a scan that won't rap.                                 
You're missing the point here, I feel.                      
                                                            
53966 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



I don't think very much of your creed,                      
Given a very good read                                      
And your sad resort                                         
To wit-less retort,                                         
Leaves all looking half-gone to seed.                       
                                                            
53967 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Now don't think that I take either side,                    
From Blighty, I think I can hide                            
Any feelings of care                                        
For you sad-sacks out there,                                
When you vote for some awful grey snide.                    
                                                            
53968 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



We have problems quite Major over here;                     
The EU is acting quite queer;                               
The monetary union vote                                     
Will mean there's just one note                             
And it won't be so terribly dear.                           
                                                            
53969 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



So, come on and sharpen your act,                           
And work out a kind of a pact.                              
You can try to be decent,                                   
So unlike the recent                                        
Collection of entries -- or you're sacked!                  
                                                            
53970 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Jim Weaver Collection    



I watched Commons Questions last night.                     
It was really a wonderful sight.                            
A Right Honorable Twit,                                     
Got in Tony Blair's Shit,                                   
And he did it while being polite.                           
                                                            
53971 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS                              



In the U.S. we don't have this game;                        
I can tell you it's really a shame.                         
I'd like to see Bill                                        
Getting grilled on the hill,                                
And see just who on earth he would blame.                   
                                                            
53972 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS                              



We hear there's to be a reshuffle;                          
As ever, there such a kerfuffle;                            
Who's in and who's out?                                     
The press will, no doubt,                                   
Be like pigs on the trail of a truffle.                     
                                                            
53973 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Andrew Walker            



When it comes to a seat on the Cabinet,                     
All MP's will be yearning at grabbing it.                   
Will John Prescott be ditched?                              
No, for Blair he's bewitched,                               
And the Cabinet must now have some flab in it.              
                                                            
53974 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Andrew Walker            



In Britain, it very much looks                              
An election in May's on the books.                          
What's more to be said?                                     
I'm staying in bed;                                         
They're all either morons or crooks.                        
                                                            
53975 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tiddy Ogg                



An M.P., due to march in a demo,                            
Forgot to diarise it in a memo.                             
He thought if there's aggro                                 
They may use some live ammo;                                
To the organisers he blamed it on his steno.                
                                                            
53976 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Arthur Pattaffy          



The Euro's unveiled today;                                  
New way for Europeans to pay.                               
In Britain we've found                                      
We all like the pound.                                      
So no Euro, so we say Hurray!                               
                                                            
53977 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tony Burrell             



Some Brits, it seems, love to bash Yanks;                   
Old friends we have been, but no thanks;                    
We'll hear a new rhyme,                                     
The very next time,                                         
The Huns put the squeeze on their cranks!                   
                                                            
53978 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS                              



He was new to the diplomats' ranks;                         
He was told not to play boyish pranks.                      
We hope you're not gay,                                     
And, old boy, by the way                                    
Your first posting is up in West Lancs.                     
                                                            
53979 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a Prime Minister named Tony,                      
Who came up with papers quite phoney.                       
He lied and he lied                                         
And many troops died,                                       
'Cause the reasons for war were baloney.                    
                                                            
53980 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Anon                     



Pinochet, tyrant extraordinaire,                            
Flown to London for medical care,                           
Found concerned palace guards                               
Had brought get-well-soon cards;                            
He needed no return trip air fare!                          
                                                            
53981 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Observer                 



The candidates from every tribe,                            
Are offering, (yes, here's the jibe)                        
The best things in life                                     
To the world and its wife.                                  
Their theme songs is: Here comes the bribe.                 
                                                            
53982 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tiddy Ogg                



This year it's the same in Australia;                       
Politicians are out to impale 'ya.                          
Seems they're nothing but talk                              
With their barrel of pork.                                  
Guess the winner will be one more failure.                  
                                                            
53983 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Steve123                 



The fires of scandals become embers,                        
And the party tries hard not to remember.                   
How awful the sleaze                                        
With poor Sarah Keyes                                       
And a stuck-up Conservative member.                         
(Cecil P. got his secty preggers)                           
53984 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Tim                      



A premier of character canny,                               
Who modestly bloomed in a cranny,                           
Though bland and urbane                                     
Once was heard to complain                                  
He'd be blanked if he stood Pretty Fanny.  (A. J. Balfour)  
                                                            
53985 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Punch 1902        (Bibby)



There was an old Broom of St. Stephen's,                    
That set all at sixes and sevens;                           
And to sweep from the room                                  
The convictions of Brougham,                                
Was the work of this Broom of St. Stephen's.                
                                                            
53986 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Punch December 1845 P9612



There was a young man from Dundee,                          
Who didn't succeed with the sea;                            
So they gave him command                                    
Of the Air and the Land,                                    
Just to make it quite fair with all three.                  
(Winston Churchill screwed up at Dardanelles)               
53987 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Anon Punch 1918   (Bibby)



An intrepid reporter from Wapping,                          
Went out, so he said, to go shopping.                       
He shopped a few Tories                                     
With incredible stories;                                    
Once started, there's no way of stopping.                   
                                                            
53988 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     John Fernbank            



The Tories are counting the days                            
Before they are put out to graze.                           
But let us not weep                                         
For these poor cloned sheep,                                
It's the rest of the country that pays!                     
                                                            
53989 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     John Fernbank            



The Kaiser one said at Peronne                              
That the Army we'd got was 'no bon',                        
But between you and me                                      
He didn't 'compris'                                         
The size of the job he had on.                              
                                                            
53990 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Wipers Times 1916 (Bibby)



Who supports the Beep show your tongue --                   
Mr Blair, who'd we'd like to see hung?                      
Poor old Greg was not keeping                               
What he sow'd, now he's reaping,                            
When the fan as it turns, met the dung.                     
                                                            
53991 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS                              



We are a great nation of goats,                             
And will keep on cutting our throats.                       
We're deep in the red,                                      
And still being bled.                                       
It's time we all took off our coats.                        
                                                            
53992 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Mrs M Pearson     (Bibby)



When the Yank GI's went Over There,                         
They did romance Brit ladies with flair;                    
With their dazzling white teeth,                            
Plus "great guns" underneath;                               
UK's gene pool, our studs did repair!                       
                                                            
53993 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS                              



If the gifted and young Mr. Churchill                       
Is to stay on his eminent perch, he'll                      
Shed some of the side                                       
Which is hard to abide --                                   
Yes -- even in young Mr. Churchill.                         
                                                            
53994 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS     Punch 1902, Vol 122, p268



Tony Blair, to the world, just a fool;                      
Just another schmuck Bill Clinton tool.                     
A puppet on a string,                                       
A sad awful thing,                                          
For their failing goal of world rule.                       
                                                            
53995 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



So, say a prayer for Clinton and Blair                      
That they run into justice somewhere.                       
That it's slow and it's painful                             
For these two disdainful                                    
Hated assinine criminal pair.                               
                                                            
53996 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



With one leap, he is free, Mr Blair,                        
To continue his rule from his lair.                         
Did he finger the Dyke;                                     
Send him off on his bike?                                   
Or was Hutton completely unfair?                            
                                                            
53997 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



When his mistress declared him too short,                   
"You're too long," was Disraeli's retort.                   
So they each gave an inch,                                  
With the aid of a winch,                                    
And it settled the case out of court.                       
                                                            
53998 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Thomas A. Quinine   P8303



The pound will go if you vote Blair!                        
Says Tory Hague, causing a scare.                           
But I'll bet my last penny                                  
That votes for you aren't many,                             
'Cause you have not a head full of hair.                    
                                                            
53999 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS R Rezel                  



There's plenty of old DC3's,                                
With pilots who'll do as you please.                        
Drop Blair in the shit,                                     
And drop it on Brit-                                        
Ain; turn the prat yellow as cheese.                        
                                                            
54000 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



A govenment under John Major                                
Was so soundly beaten, I'll wager                           
'Cause the Tories he led                                    
Were too often in bed                                       
Giving tabloids a sleazy front-pager.                       
                                                            
54001 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS M. Mestert               



At Blackpool one day, by the sea,                           
Maggie rattled her handbag with glee.                       
"Voters hate IDS                                            
And don't like the rest.                                    
Now the party must turn back to me."                        
                                                            
54002 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Amanda Green             



Maggie Thatcher kept the Tories on course;                  
Even Labour would bend to her force.                        
But one wonders if nays,                                    
Would have been easy yeas,                                  
If she hadn't the face of a horse.                          
                                                            
54003 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Goin2later               



It's rumored she took to the bit;                           
Though old and decrepit, she's fit.                         
She finally lost power                                      
Because of that shower                                      
Of pussies, yes-men, and a twit.                            
                                                            
54004 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Frank                    



Twas ten years ago from this day                            
That our Maggie was heard to say                            
"First I'm selected                                         
Then I'm elected                                            
And now the poor bastards will pay".                        
                                                            
54005 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



Selling Powergen for peanuts to Hanson                      
(Who provides half the Tories financin')                    
Wins Thatcher's consent.                                    
So don't call her bent --                                   
She's as honest and clean as Charles Manson.                
                                                            
54006 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Tony Davie Collection    



When Tony asked Gordon to lunch,                            
Said Gordon, "Why Tone, thanks a bunch!                     
I would love to succeed you,"                               
Tony said, "I don't need you,                               
There's no deal, when comes the crunch."                    
                                                            
54007 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Chris Hartley            



When Tony asked Gordon to lunch,                            
He said to him, "I've got a hunch,                          
If you'll back me to win,                                   
I will hire some spin;                                      
On the Tories we'll land a KO punch.                        
                                                            
54008 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Lawrence Maidment        



There was an old man of Iraq                                
Who said: "Things don't look quite so black,                
Now that Tony Blair                                         
Has had his heart scare.                                    
Pity 'twas not a full-blown attack!"                        
                                                            
54009 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Alexander Baron          



There was a great leader called Blair,                      
Thought the people, "He just doesn't care."                 
Manefesto enabled,                                          
He crapped on disabled,                                     
And said, "Take the piss out of my hair."                   
(must be Tony Blair - Prime Minister)                       
54010 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Raymond Davies           



Now, Tiddy, I think you're unfair                           
Disparaging poor old Tony Blair.                            
What!  Use Vaseline?                                        
The thought is obscene!                                     
He's slippery, already, as air!                             
                                                            
54011 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



Tony Blair is lacking in sanity;                            
Guilty of crimes 'gainst humanity.                          
Serbs have scribed on walls,                                
Blair should hang by his balls,                             
And that would be Tony's calamity.                          
                                                            
54012 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Joe Long                 



Tony and cronies have heaved                                
A sigh of relief; how naive                                 
That damn fool, Lord Hutton?                                
His brain must be mutton,                                   
If all Blair's chums lies he believed.                      
                                                            
54013 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



Old Thatcher's thrown in the thicket;                       
New guy is learning to pick it.                             
The youngish Tony Blair                                     
Is taking good care.                                        
He helps you to great wins in cricket.                      
                                                            
54014 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Archie                   



Said William Hague with a wry grin,                         
"This, Alistair Campbell can't spin!                        
A new Labour inflation                                      
Of nine-months duration,                                    
Caused by Tony Blair getting-in!"                           
                                                            
54015 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Joe Long                 



Our Bill may play kissy-kissy                               
With a hot little raven-haired missy,                       
But they never asked Tony                                   
Where he hides his baloney,                                 
'Cause we all know the fucker's a sissy.                    
(Tony Blair visits White House early 1998)                  
54016 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS MrMalo                   



That one actor, Blair's, a sly fox;                         
He's able to dodge verbal rocks.                            
Surrounded by mobs,                                         
He weaves and he bobs                                       
And looks like a Jack-in-the-Box.                           
                                                            
54017 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Travis Brasell           



Some say Tony Blair is a clown;                             
Doesn't know his up from his down.                          
Is he right or left?                                        
Or totally bereft                                           
Of ideas that brought him to town?                          
                                                            
54018 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Tony Burrell             



There was a Prime Minister, Blair,                          
Who said: Honest I am, I do swear.                          
I must be, you see,                                         
My wife is a QC,                                            
And if I weren't, she'd so declare.                         
                                                            
54019 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Alesander Baron          



So you ask, what is a QC?                                   
"Queens Counsel" is what it should be,                      
A lawyer, high class                                        
Will do something crass,                                    
Flush your money right down the WC!                         
                                                            
54020 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS                          



If a marionette could pull strings --                       
Reversing the order of things --                            
Would she make her master                                   
Dance just a bit faster,                                    
Than he made her dance on his swings?                       
                                                            
54021 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Tiddy Ogg                



I don't think your scheme will quite work;                  
The puppeteer sure will not shirk,                          
And is bound to pull back.                                  
Alas and alack,                                             
The marionette's just a small jerk.                         
                                                            
54022 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Cyber Wizard             



Just a fantasy, sir, not a scheme,                          
Of a fictional marionette's dream.                          
But though you seem to cheer                                
That unseen puppeteer,                                      
Are you sure you won't dance out of steam?                  
                                                            
54023 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Cyd                      



Yes, that is our man, Tony Blair;                           
He's been in that role; he's still there.                   
He's Dubya's poodle,                                        
And ain't got an oodle                                      
Of brain 'neath his fast thinning hair.                     
                                                            
54024 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Tiddy Ogg                



Many limericks are about politicking;                       
Some say on slick Willy we're picking.                      
So put him aside,                                           
I don't mean to be snide,                                   
But who is Tony Blair dicking.                              
                                                            
54025 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Puff Adder               



Should old Charles or young Will when he's grown            
Be next king.  Or should Britons disown                     
Royal lines?  All is moot                                   
'Cause it's hard to dispute                                 
That King Tony now sits on the throne!                      
                                                            
54026 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Prof M-G                 



While Bill tried to handle this spoof,                      
Poor Tony had to stand back, aloof,                         
With that sweet little grin,                                
Cheerio! Chin chin!                                         
Egads! What an effeminate poof!                             
(Tony Blair visits Bill Clinton early 1998)                 
54027 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS MrMalo                   



When the Brits chose the slick Tony Blair,                  
With his saccharine smile and coiffed hair,                 
Said a moody John Major,                                    
"You've made a mad wager!                                   
You'll need more than hope and a prayer!"                   
                                                            
54028 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Johnyrandy               



We've had lady PM's who were tough,                         
Fought wars and were generally rough,                       
So forget the gender;                                       
All gals are not tender;                                    
They also do murderous stuff.                               
                                                            
54029 POLITICS - FOREIGN - BRITS PMS Chris Papa               



Colin Powell went to the UN --                              
Made the case against Saddam, and then                      
He showed the smoking gun.                                  
And when he was done,                                       
Some didn't see -- where could they have been?              
                                                            
54030 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



The evidence was plain as can be,                           
Althought the French couldn't agree                         
That what was in plain sight                                
Sowed the US is right.                                      
Some are blind 'cause they choose not to see.               
                                                            
54031 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



France was joined by the Commie Chinese                     
Urging restraint -- we should just appease.                 
That's, of course, no surprise,                             
So let's not close our eyes                                 
To their blindness -- I now ask you, Please!                
                                                            
54032 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



The world's people should not have to plea                  
To Iraq's madman on bended knee,                            
Hoping Saddam Hussein                                       
Will chose to self-restrain.                                
Some are blind 'cause they choose not to see.               
                                                            
54033 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



You would have to be blind not to see                       
The UN is a joke, inherently.                               
The next committee chair                                    
On terrorism, I swear --                                    
Libya's dictator, Qadaffi.                                  
                                                            
54034 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



The disarmament committee, too,                             
Would be a joke if it weren't true                          
That to lead the rat pack                                   
Will be Saddam's Iraq.                                      
The animals are running the zoo!                            
                                                            
54035 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



We are stuck with that nonsense unless                      
We acknowledge that it is a mess                            
And we leave the UN                                         
As our step one, and then                                   
Get the UN out of the US.                                   
                                                            
54036 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



Now Germany, Belgium, and France                            
Want us to give Saddam one more chance.                     
But militarily                                              
Each is a wannabe,                                          
And that accounts for their anti-war stance.                
                                                            
54037 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



None of the three are quite able                            
To bring anything to the war table.                         
Any prowess they've had                                     
Is now gone, and it's sad;                                  
Their leadership roles are a fable.                         
                                                            
54038 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



It is true, in a long ago time,                             
Each one, in its own way, was sublime.                      
They cite their history                                     
But as all plainly see,                                     
As powers they are all past their prime.                    
                                                            
54039 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



Victorious Serbs remain jolly;                              
In foreign affairs, Bill is folly.                          
For a fall guy he aims                                      
It's the U.N. he blames;                                    
He'll pin it on Butros, by golly.                           
                                                            
54040 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Jim Weaver Collection    



In all of NATO, there are three --                          
France, Belgium and Germany --                              
Who would not be all for                                    
Helping Turkey in war --                                    
Of nineteen, they're a minority.                            
                                                            
54041 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



There once was a man of great kudos                         
Whos dissed the U.S. while U.N. boss.                       
All but one voice hollered, "Neato!"                        
But U.S. answered "Veto!"                                   
And the dollar beats a holler... vale, Boutros!             
                                                            
54042 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9612



I'm sick of the Germans and French                          
As they carp at us from the backbench.                      
Yet to us they've appealed                                  
Each time they need a shield --                             
From old Europe there comes a great stench.                 
                                                            
54043 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



The Germans are opposed to a war.                           
They've lost the ones they've started before.               
But their campaigns went bust                               
'Cause their cause wasn't just --                           
It matters greatly just what you fight for.                 
                                                            
54044 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



Adolph Hitler just ranted and raved                         
And to him the French government caved.                     
Their armed force was a mess                                
Yet they're loath to confess,                               
Without our help, they'd not have been saved.               
                                                            
54045 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



The Chicoms, internationally,                               
Side with evil -- invariably.                               
US versus Iraq;                                             
No doubt they will back                                     
Not the country whose people are free.                      
                                                            
54046 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



So to Germany, China, and France --                         
You can babble, and lecture, and prance.                    
But of you we are bored.                                    
You're just three mice that snored --                       
For redemption you gave up this chance.                     
                                                            
54047 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



While the French do their pacifist dance,                   
On their efforts we should look askance.                    
French backbones were bared                                 
When their leaders were scared                              
And let Germany occupy France.                              
                                                            
54048 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Al Bienstock             



The diplomats at the UN                                     
Are deeply preoccupied men.                                 
Each one sits on his ass                                    
Hoping dangers will pass,                                   
Then they'll sit and do nothing again.                      
                                                            
54049 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Warrick Elrod            



The several speakers from France,                           
Discreetly attired in black pants,                          
Make loud protestations                                     
And mild denegrations                                       
About international detentes.                               
(UN meetings)                                               
54050 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



Some speakers are very emphatic                             
With gesticulations dramatic,                               
But oh for the verve                                        
And the zing and the nerve                                  
Of the Translatoress, she's ecstatic.                       
(UN meetings)                                               
54051 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



Deliciously diabolique                                      
This orational rack is unique.                              
We sit on our dums                                          
And twiddle our thumbs,                                     
While the speaker continues to speak.                       
(UN meetings)                                               
54052 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



We sit here concerned for the right,                        
For matters of joy and of light,                            
But it's under the rug                                      
For anything ug                                             
Ly or whatever is not a delight.                            
                                                            
54053 POLITICS - FOREIGN - UN        Harold E. Hoelscher P8907



Here is news from the court that will travel:               
Justice X has begun to unravel!                             
When he works on a probe                                    
In the depths of his robe,                                  
What he's pounding there isn't his gavel!                   
(Pentatette prize winner)                                   
54054 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Jim O'Conner        P9110



The Court, our Nine Justices on High,                       
Is where judicial principles lie.                           
Attorneys beat 'round the bush,                             
Favorite theories they push:                                
The best justice that money can buy!                        
                                                            
54055 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Joe Hankin          P9110



Robert Bork, nominated before,                              
Had published opinions galore                               
On things, large and small,                                 
Anti-Humanist, all,                                         
So the senators said, "Nevermore."                          
                                                            
54056 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Rick Kaplowitz      P9110



After gorging on barrels of pork,                           
The Senate, champagne did uncork.                           
Then they took a vacation                                   
And returned to their station                               
To study the perils of Bork.                                
                                                            
54057 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Al Chaplin          P8711



The high court discussions seem sterile.                    
The Republicans cry, "The pork barrel,"                     
While their Democrat foes                                   
Who foresee direst woes                                     
Are determined to scotch the Bork peril.                    
(Bork was a supreme court nominee torpedoed by Democrats)   
54058 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            A. N. Wilkins       P8708



When Reagan named Bork to the Court,                        
The Left wanted none of the sort.                           
So they brought in allies,                                  
Spreading rumors and lies,                                  
And pushed till they had an abort.                          
                                                            
54059 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Gifford Wherry           



Judge Bork said, "It's worse than I feared.                 
Though I knew that my views hadn't cheered                  
Our liberal friends,                                        
That's not where it ends.                                   
They've started insulting my beard."                        
                                                            
54060 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            A. N. Wilkins       P8709



Judge Bork said they didn't need tail.                      
For abortions he'd put them in jail.                        
And that's why, they say,                                   
Judge Bork didn't stay                                      
In the sanctified precincts of Yale.                        
                                                            
54061 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            A. N. Wilkins       P8710



Said Ron to the madam, Miss Kraut,                          
"If you have a whore free, give a shout."                   
The old madame serene                                       
Checked her monitor screen,                                 
"You're in luck, there's a Bork pulling out."               
                                                            
54062 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Al Chaplin 3024     P8711



Said the Senate, "A judge should be neuter,                 
As harmless as Junior's pea-shooter,                        
But nominee Bork                                            
Has just too much torque!"--                                
So who did we get? Justice Souter.                          
                                                            
54063 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Norm Storer         P9110



The Supreme Court's ingenious solution                      
To the clearness of the Constitution,                       
When they feel disinclined                                  
To guard rights there enshrined,                            
Is construction by circumlocution.                          
                                                            
54064 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            John Sandler        P9110



A conservative black, Bush did crave;                       
Seeking one in ten million is brave.                        
Now his nominee, Thomas,                                    
May be imbued with promise,                                 
But he'll speed Marshall to his grave.                      
                                                            
54065 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Rich Kaplowitz      P9110



"Knock knock," Clarance said on a spree.                    
"Who's there?" gasped Anita with glee.                      
"Long Dong Silver, you slut,                                
And I'm read to rut,                                        
So just trot out your yardstick and see."                   
                                                            
54066 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Don Moore           P9112



Said the judge to Anita petite,                             
"It's nice to meet someone so sweet.                        
My name is Judge Thomas.                                    
A good time I can promise--                                 
Long Dong Silver's the name of my meat."                    
                                                            
54067 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Phil Cannibal       P9111



After robing, each justice submits                          
To shake hands with his colleagues, then sits.              
Says Clarance, "Nice day,                                   
Good to see you, What say?                                  
How are you? Hi, Howdy, Nice tits."                         
                                                            
54068 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Martin Wellborn     P9202



His honor, the Judge Clarance Thomas                        
To Bush showed, poor and black, real promise.               
So George, no deep thinker,                                 
Nominated the stinker                                       
And caused, on TV, real live dramas.                        
                                                            
54069 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Jim Waite           P9111



When Miss Hill's story 'leaked' to the press,               
The Judge said that he'd caused no distress.                
Her test (she'd not lied)                                   
Indicated he'd tried                                        
To arouse her and make her say yes.                         
                                                            
54070 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Jim Waite           P9111



Our most outstanding senators cried,                        
"He'd told the whole truth; she just lied."                 
The hearing came up short,                                  
And now he's on the court,                                  
On the ultra-conservative side.                             
                                                            
54071 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Jim Waite           P9111



Constitutional Scholars all say                             
That the drafters gave Justices play                        
To interpret our charter,                                   
But those clowns think they're smarter                      
And "construe" it completely away.                          
                                                            
54072 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            John Sandler        P9110



The Supreme Court with lofty persuasion,                    
Engages in worldy evasion.                                  
Its decision is bent                                        
To fit Bush's intent,                                       
And it's loaded to suit the occasion.                       
                                                            
54073 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Al Chaplin          P9110



The court has moved far to the right;                       
Civil rights seem to be quite a blight.                     
Liberal folks are all pissed                                
At the court of Renquist                                    
(Which includes John Kennedy's White).                      
                                                            
54074 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Rick Kaplowitz      P9110



The black robes they wear on the bench                      
Would show a full bone, in a pinch.                         
This kind of display                                        
Is passe today,                                             
Since one of the nine is a wench.                           
                                                            
54075 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Larry Davis         P9110



An elderly jurist with notions                              
Ingested some monkey-gland potions.                         
But he froze in the sack,                                   
So his female clerk cracked,                                
"Mr. Justice, I'd entertain motions."                       
                                                            
54076 POLITICS - JUDICIAL                                     



Those swabbies at old Moffett Field                         
To my edict they will have to yield.                        
They cannot fudge,                                          
I'm a Federal Judge;                                        
When I'm done, they all will have kneeled.                  
                                                            
54077 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Harry Rubin         P9301



When congress adjourned for recess,                         
Bill Clinton, with speed and finesse                        
Made his judge nominee                                      
A fait accompli;                                            
Jesse Helms will perforce acquiesce.                        
                                                            
54078 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Election 2000            



An Irish Republican, Sawyer,                                
Was arrested for maiming a lawyer.                          
He was sentenced to tea                                     
With Ms. Molly Magee,                                       
For the jury thought he would enjoy her.                    
                                                            
54079 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Cybergeezer              



Supreme Court opinions are logical,                         
And cast in a style pedagogical.                            
But after today                                             
It seems safe to say,                                       
That their reasoning is ideological.                        
                                                            
54080 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Election 2000            



America anxiously waited;                                   
Nine judges hotly debated.                                  
Then made their decision                                    
With such imprecision,                                      
That nobody knew what they'd stated.                        
                                                            
54081 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Prof M-G                 



Some federal judges are clearly devoted                     
To striking down laws which we voted.                       
They wield too much power.                                  
Our system's gone sour.                                     
Some judges need to be dumped or demoted.                   
                                                            
54082 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Jim Weaver Collection    



Sandy and Bill were an item.                                
Hosts with the most would invite 'em;                       
But it wasn't to be.                                        
Which one was the dumpee?                                   
Did Bill cnallenge O'Conner and fight 'em?                  
                                                            
54083 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Dr Limerick  01-26-02    



The odds against this were extreme --                       
The very first woman, it seems,                             
Had had an affair                                           
With the apparent heir                                      
To the job of Chief Justice Supreme.                        
                                                            
54084 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Dr Limerick  01-26-02    



And how was it she was selected?                            
Her appointment was hardly expected.                        
Did Bill think of then,                                     
And now make amends                                         
And see that her name was injected?                         
                                                            
54085 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Dr Limerick  01-26-02    



The Supreme Court all offer their honor;                    
Especially Sandra O'Conner.                                 
On her wedding night,                                       
Her spouse, with delight,                                   
Spent the whole evening off her and on her.                 
                                                            
54086 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Theo Heller           P9 



Judge Thomas now feelin quite smug;                         
Greets each jurist with handshake and hug:                  
"Good to see you," "Hello,"                                 
"Hi there," "Peace," "Cheerio,"                             
"Nice tits," "Howdy Do," and then "UGH!"                    
                                                            
54087 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Arthur Deex         P9308



Discounting political grudges,                              
It must be by chance that the fudges                        
Of equal protection                                         
That stopped the election,                                  
Were penned by Republican judges.                           
                                                            
54088 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Prof M-G                 



If Roe v. Wade comes again                                  
Before the high court's cautious ken,                       
Can there be any doubt                                      
How things will come out--                                  
With one maid and eight old-maidish men?                    
                                                            
54089 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Norm Storer         P9110



A woman's basic right to abort                              
Confounds the new Supreme court.                            
Eight dirty old men                                         
And one Jenny Wren                                          
Will decide on Live versus Morte.                           
                                                            
54090 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Harry Rubin         P9110



Roe v. Wade may soon become tossed                          
In a pile of precedents lost.                               
A woman's reproductive tract                                
May find itself stacked                                     
Among things that are government bossed.                    
                                                            
54091 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Rick Kaplowitz      P9110



In fairness to her lovely honor,                            
Judge Sandra Day O'Conner:                                  
She had to choose                                           
Al Gore to lose,                                            
Or Bush would have been the goner.                          
                                                            
54092 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Prof M-G                 



A honest hillbilly named Fustus                             
Thought we all lied, wouldn't trust us;                     
Banged Sandra O'Connor                                      
And while he was on her,                                    
Said "My dick is really injustice."                         
                                                            
54093 POLITICS - JUDICIAL                                     



And now we are pleased to report                            
A new face on the old Supreme Court.                        
He' young, he's Italian,                                    
A conservative stallion!                                    
In short: he won't snort or abort.                          
                                                            
54094 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Neal Wilgus         P8607



All the ballots by citizens U.S.                            
Would have counted to Judge Terry Lewis --                  
Tens of millions of voters                                  
Now know that the SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the U.S,)        
Accomplished its purpose to screw us.                       
                                                            
54095 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Dr Limerick  11-20-01    



I find sick politicians repulsive;                          
They're nothing but manic conpulsive.                       
I wish for the day                                          
When they're all sent away                                  
By a Court that is much more expulsive.                     
                                                            
54096 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Annie May                



David Souter was Bush's "stealth" nominee;                  
His prior opinions numbered zero minus three.               
How could Senators measure                                  
Such a deep buried treasure?                                
It worked--few were able to judge him, you see.             
                                                            
54097 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Rick Kaplowitz      P9110



The Supreme Court with routine consistence,                 
All progress will meet with resistance.                     
On abortion, we note,                                       
They will case a "no" vote--                                
It's a threat to their very existence.                      
                                                            
54098 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Al Chaplin          P9110



The Klan we all treat as a joke -                           
In white robes terrorizing the smoke.                       
While our Court Supreme,                                    
The American Dream,                                         
In black robes scares Hell out'a white folk.                
                                                            
54099 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Arthur Deex         P8208



The Supreme Court just can't be supreme,                    
With Superior courts on the scene.                          
Supreme or Superior--                                       
One must be inferior...                                     
Jurisprudence/imprudence--there's a team.                   
(improved by Arthur Deex)                                   
54100 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Kenneth Leonhardt   P9110



We weed out, with reasoned restraint,                       
What's admissable here from what ain't.                     
Here, one technicality                                      
Yields illegality                                           
Where fruits aren't purged of the taint.                    
(Wong Sun v. United States, 371 U.S. 471 (1963))            
54101 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Donald S. Altschul  P9401



Felix Frankfurter was our sole swine.                       
Warren Burger was last of the kine.                         
Their departure of course,                                  
Means we'll have to endorse                                 
Judge McNugget as one of the nine.                          
                                                            
54102 POLITICS - JUDICIAL            Don Moore           P9110



Three Kennedys -- John, Bob, and Ted.                       
And all, for the White House were bred.                     
John made it--got shot.                                     
Bobby(shot too)--but did not.                               
And Ted? Chappaquidick-ly dead.                             
                                                            
54103 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9303



Sighs Kennedy (Joe) patriarch,                              
"On John to the White House...a lark.                       
But as for poor Bob,                                        
A bullet (sob sob)                                          
And Ted...at the moon I shall bark."                        
                                                            
54104 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



Among Senators, it is a fact,                               
That of dalliance (sex) there's no lack;                    
What with Oregon's Packwood                                 
And Teddy (he's good),                                      
You should have seen Ted's brother, Jack!                   
                                                            
54105 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Jim Menger               



When Cabots and Lodges began,                               
Replaced by the Kennedy Klan.                               
Ku Klux if we say                                           
We're noticing they                                         
Burn bridges as fast as they can.                           
                                                            
54106 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



"We have wowed them with crying", they gloated;             
To the podium comes Teddy bloated.                          
Joining their whining jive,                                 
"Mary Jo'd be alive                                         
If we made them build cars that had floated."               
                                                            
54107 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Jim Weaver Collection    



The compound the Kennedy's own,                             
With Joseph and Rose on the throne,                         
A walled-in estate                                          
With guards at the gate;                                    
They call it Chateau Corleone.                              
(after the novel 'The Godfather' by Mario Puzo)             
54108 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



At the Kennedy Compound they say                            
They have fun "The Kennedy Way."                            
There the sex act is stressed                               
And if you protest,                                         
They'll prove compound the word of the day.                 
                                                            
54109 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Jane D. Hughes      P9108



Willy said, "Uncle Teddy, I blew it.                        
She cries rape, I swear I didn't do it.                     
Can she prove it in court?"                                 
Teddy said, "Listen, Sport,                                 
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."                
                                                            
54110 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Bob Giandomenico    P9108



A flash.  He awakes as his phallus                          
Withdraws from young Jackie Onassis.                        
She says "Come on John,                                     
It's time you were gone,                                    
You've a motorcade down there in Dallas."                   
                                                            
54111 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



"Though my children all know I'm behind them,"              
Rose Kennedy says, "I remind them.                          
At 101                                                      
I still say to my son,                                      
'Pick up your pants, if you can find them'."                
                                                            
54112 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9109



Ted teaches his nephew, "I caught her,                      
And she finally gave in when I fought her.                  
Chappaquiddick was bliss!                                   
Bill, listen to this:                                       
I had learned how to fuck underwater!"                      
                                                            
54113 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Don Moore           P9108



The Senator answered, "I guess                              
The Florida place. More or less                             
The usual run                                               
Of quiet family fun.                                        
What will you do for Easter recess?"                        
                                                            
54114 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9108



The end of the Camelot romance                              
Brought about by a sad happenstance,                        
Leaves the junior JFK                                       
Forever out of the way.                                     
It sure improves Hillary's chance.                          
                                                            
54115 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Frank Petersohn          



Though it's not quite a place in the stars,                 
A satellite photo of scars                                  
On the neighboring planet,                                  
Say the experts who scan it,                                
Shows Ted Kennedy's visage on Mars.                         
(Knight-Ridder newspapers, July 5, 1991 on NASA archives)   
54116 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9108



In the case of revered JFK,                                 
He wasn't in anyone's pay.                                  
His father, old Joe,                                        
Had stolen the dough,                                       
So Johnny was only at play.                                 
                                                            
54117 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



And whether on land or on yacht                             
He held court in sweet Camelot                              
(Or would it be better                                      
To add one more letter                                      
And openly say that he came-a-lot)                          
                                                            
54118 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



A Washington callgirl named Saks                            
Would help JFK to relax.                                    
When political whangs                                       
Switched to handjobs from bangs,                            
She made plenty of jack jacking Jack's.                     
                                                            
54119 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Jim O'Conner        P9302



To JFK, Jackie said, "Why                                   
The hell ain't been laid since July?                        
Screw your damned backache.                                 
What about my poor crackache?                               
Off your ass, Jack, and give it a try."                     
                                                            
54120 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Michael Weinstein   P9001



There once was a widow named Jackie,                        
Whose wardrobe was getting plain tacky.                     
So she married Ari,                                         
And went to Paree,                                          
And near bought the town out, by cracky.                    
                                                            
54121 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            John Ciardi              



Since Ari made unending passes                              
At shapely and screwable lasses,                            
Was something neglected?                                    
Sighed Jackie, dejected,                                    
"To be candid -- my very Onassis."                          
                                                            
54122 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Jim O'Conner        P9206



About his wife, JFK said,                                   
"That broads's a real kick in the head.                     
Whenever I frig her,                                        
I frig her with VIGAH,                                      
Still she wants Lyndon Johnson instead."                    
                                                            
54123 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Michael Weinstein   P9001



The end of the Camelot romance                              
Brought about by a sad happenstance.                        
Junior JFK                                                  
Is now out of the way,                                      
Improving Hillary's chance.                                 
                                                            
54124 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Anon                     



"Your inaugural bash, J.F.K.,                               
There's going to be one gala day."                          
Said the chief, "There's no doubt                           
That you've figured it out.                                 
I can handle just one gal a day."                           
                                                            
54125 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P8912



And now there is John John's last wish                      
That he wanted much to accomplish.                          
He said to the maid,                                        
"Do not be afraid                                           
To feed the dog -- I'll feed the fish."                     
                                                            
54126 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            D'Arcy                   



When they got to the compound, she shrilly                  
Chided him saying, "I feel silly.                           
You had me all ready                                        
To see the Big Teddy,                                       
Yet offer instead a Wee Willy."                             
                                                            
54127 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Bob Giandomenico    P9108



We know Teddy's a lecherous blimp,                          
Suspect Packwood's hung like a shrimp.                      
More deserving of censure                                   
Is the one with more tenure --                              
Not the Senate's ex-face-kissin' wimp!                      
                                                            
54128 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            William Nesbit           



Bob was finally given the toss--                            
On the whole, no significant loss.                          
But while Packwood, the knave,                              
Has retired to his cave,                                    
Teddy still has more bridges to cross.                      
                                                            
54129 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            William N. Nesbit   P9512



Soon after they shot JFK,                                   
An angel inspired LBJ.                                      
"For a screwing of note,                                    
Try the hole in Jack's throat."                             
And old Lyndon soon shouted, "A-OK!".                       
                                                            
54130 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Neal Wilgus         P8205



The Kennedy compound celebrated,                            
Has owners who sometimes debated                            
Whether they ought to post                                  
This sign near the coast:                                   
"Trespassers will be violated."                             
                                                            
54131 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9107



Their life style with questions is fraught.                 
Suspicions and charges are brought.                         
But if you'd like to play,                                  
Head for Palm Beach today                                   
Or perhaps be a Hyannis-sport.                              
                                                            
54132 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Jane D. Hughes      P9109



Ted was livid and didn't disguise it,                       
"I'm so shamed, Will, I can't verbalize it.                 
Rape's a serious crime,                                     
But if given time,                                          
I'd have had all the pols legalize it."                     
                                                            
54133 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            John Sandler        P9108



I am trashing John-John in this verse.                      
And no bodies yet found for the hearse.                     
Last month it seems he                                      
Broke his foot on a tree.                                   
Stupidity is the real Kennedy curse.                        
                                                            
54134 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Frank Petersohn          



His babysitter thought, should he?                          
Mike thought to himself, could he?                          
It is no surprise                                           
That when he dies,                                          
He was sporting a woody.                                    
                                                            
54135 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Chris Tustin             



There once was a man named Mike;                            
Young girls he really did like.                             
One day while on skis,                                      
His family said "Please,                                    
You should have been riding a bike!"                        
                                                            
54136 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Chris Tustin             



JFK played the usual games                                  
With dozens of eminent dames,                               
But they felt secure,                                       
Because they were sure                                      
That a Kennedy doesn't drop names.                          
                                                            
54137 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9507



Chris Matthews and some Democrats said,                     
"We can't quote JFK 'cause he's dead".                      
But what bothers them most                                  
Is that JFK's "ghost"                                       
Says tax cuts work -- that's what they dread!               
                                                            
54138 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



Some Democrats are making a fuss                            
When Republicans want to discuss                            
What Jack Kennedy said --                                   
You can't quote OUR dead,                                   
His remarks may be used just by us.                         
                                                            
54139 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



His voice is sacred, don't you dare use it;                 
Only we Dems may abuse it.                                  
And so we'll deceive,                                       
And hope you'll believe                                     
Faced with a tax cut, he'd refuse it.                       
                                                            
54140 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



Some Democrats would love to set rules                      
Which would take away one of our tools.                     
Unless they say we may,                                     
We can't cite JFK --                                        
If we listened to them we'd be fools.                       
                                                            
54141 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



From some Dems, the hypocrisy drips                         
When they say "Don't use JFK clips.                         
Don't quote our guy -- no way!                              
But for us it's okay                                        
To repeat Bush's 'Just read my lips.'"                      
                                                            
54142 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



Sighs Kennedy (Rose) matriarch,                             
"Three sons and three shots hit their mark.                 
Three noble sons downed.                                    
Now Ted almost drowned --                                   
A girl and a bridge in the dark."                           
                                                            
54143 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



Said Teddy to Willy, "My boy,                               
A bone's a fun thing to enjoy.                              
But, while you diddle,                                      
Be sure not to piddle                                       
It away, like Jack did Quemoy."                             
                                                            
54144 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Martin Wellborn     P9108



I'd much rather have a bad rash,                            
Or be forced to eat all the trash,                          
That to be at                                               
The Aspen flat                                              
For the Kennedy's New Years bash.                           
(Mike Kennedy killed bashed into a tree 1998 - McW)         
54145 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Chris Tustin             



That Kennedy phrase so ferocious,                           
Was borrowed in manner atrocious.                           
The family style                                            
Admitted to guile,                                          
And sex escapades PRECOCIOUS.                               
(Ask not what...originally said by Kahil Gibran)            
54146 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Chris Papa               



Down South there it's not quite the same.                   
The family can't silence the dame,                          
And the public excitement,                                  
Or quash the indictment.                                    
But they can publicize the gal's name.                      
                                                            
54147 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9108



Though she said she said, "I'm from Jupiter,"               
Your Honor, I heard, "I'm a two-bit whore,"                 
So shocked to the core                                      
I asked her once more                                       
And this time she asked me to "Cupid" her.                  
DEFENDANT                                                   
54148 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



Your Honor,...the dirtiest trick!                           
No knife at my throat, nor his dick,                        
But into my ear,                                            
"We'll do it right here                                     
Or enroute to Chappaquiddick."                              
PLAINTIFF                                                   
54149 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



Your Honor, I'm sure it was rape.                           
Her legs wrapped around--no escape.                         
And each time I might,                                      
My tongue she would bite                                    
Then quickly diminish my shape.                             
DEFENDANT                                                   
54150 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



Your Honor,...request a delay                               
Smith's seeing his doctor today.                            
We'll countersue if                                         
It's AIDS, clap, or syph,                                   
Or proven she's just a cheap lay.                           
DEFENSE COUNSEL                                             
54151 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



Your Honor,...Cheap lay! I object.                          
Implying her morals suspect.                                
On taking this case,                                        
A round-office chase,                                       
And each time my pleas she'd reject.                        
PLAINTIFF'S COUNSEL                                         
54152 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



Since no on-the-scene witness is,                           
The guilt's either hers or is his.                          
She claims that it's Smith.                                 
He claims that it's myth.                                   
Her version reject or his hiss.                             
JUDGE TO JURY                                               
54153 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



If she wins, the next time she's willing,                   
Next time affidavit she's filling.                          
And so she won't sue,                                       
A notary too,                                               
Which curtails a lot that is thrilling.                     
JUDGE TO JURY                                               
54154 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Irving Superior     P9108



There once waqs a squirrel called Free                      
And his friend was Michael Kennedy.                         
Who doesn't remember                                        
That day in December,                                       
They both broke their nut on a tree.                        
                                                            
54155 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            D'Arcy                   



"A problelm with alcohol? Bunk!"                            
Ted grumbles. "How low have they sunk?"                     
Though his critics inquire                                  
Of the Easter week flyer,                                   
"Does he act that way when he's not drunk?"                 
                                                            
54156 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9108



The Prez, with his wife on safari,                          
Taking pictures in darkest Dhaktari,                        
To a rhino, with wink, said,                                
"What do you think, Ted?                                    
Oh, you're not Kennedy! I'm so sorry!"                      
(but they both are horny - McW)                             
54157 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Ystap                    



The left claims the right wants you dead;                   
So they're scaring you out of your head.                    
About building that bridge,                                 
May we scare you a smidge?                                  
The driver is Senator Ted!                                  
                                                            
54158 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Teddy, "It's quite a disgrace.                         
There are burglars all over my place.                       
One dashed out of my spare room                             
And took off with a heirloom                                
When she thought I said, "Sit on my vase."                  
(from the Kennedy compound)                                 
54159 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Martin Wellborn     P9105



Once a young Senator from old Mass                          
One night went in search of some ass.                       
He fortunately found it,                                    
But fucked up and drowned it,                               
And said three "Hail Mary's" at mass.                       
                                                            
54160 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



There once was a Senator from Mass,                         
Who drove home a most attractive lass!                      
Although he found her,                                      
He messed up and drowned her,                               
And his chance for President did pass.                      
                                                            
54161 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



I once asked the Bishop of Leigh                            
To pray for dear Ted Kennedy.                               
"Awake or asleep,                                           
May the Lord bless and keep...                              
Teddy far, far away from me."                               
                                                            
54162 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Arthur Deex         P8311



Am I caustic and slightly acidic                            
Or maybe a cynical critic,                                  
If my own estimation,                                       
Astute observation                                          
Says Ted's knell was a Chappaquidick?                       
                                                            
54163 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Ann Gasser          P8712



The Senator was feeling dim                                 
From drinking Scotch whiskey and gin.                       
He made a mistake,                                          
Drove his car in a lake;                                    
But man! could that bastard swim!                           
                                                            
54164 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



Said Teddy, arms hanging akimbo,                            
"The press leaves me dangling in limbo--                    
But my story's air tight;                                   
For most of the night                                       
I was down the hall banging a bimbo."                       
                                                            
54165 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Arthur Deex         P9106



The senator, looking for sin;                               
Drinking vodka, scotch whiskey and gin,                     
Made a mistake,                                             
Drove his car in the lake;                                  
But man, that bugger could swim!                            
                                                            
54166 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Laura Schooler           



If she lived, she'd be sixty-two.                           
I suppose that's numerically true.                          
But she died on that day,                                   
While Ted just swam away,                                   
To save himself -- that is true too.                        
                                                            
54167 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Al Bienstock             



He'd have brought comfort to her old age;                   
So claims a Boston Globe sage.                              
But to save his own skin,                                   
Ted worked a presss spin,                                   
While she drowned.  What an outrage!                        
                                                            
54168 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Al Bienstock             



His desertion let Mary Jo die,                              
Yet for manslaughter, Ted drew a bye.                       
While she might have been saved,                            
His career's what he craved.                                
They can't change the facts -- but they try.                
                                                            
54169 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Al Bienstock             



"Willie boy," chided wise Uncle Ted,                        
"Don't you have any brains in your head?                    
Rape is fine sport, I know:     (To be sure rape is fun)    
I raped young Mary Jo,          (But complete what's begun) 
But at least I made sure she was dead."                     
(And make sure that the floozie is dead.")                  
54170 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            John Sandler        P9108



Uncle Teddy, that fat wad of slime,                         
Was given a pass for his crime.                             
And now the result                                          
Of not charging that dolt:                                  
They're drowning girls two at a time!                       
                                                            
54171 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



JFKs book was written for snores;                           
No money, no liqour. no whores.                             
But just take a look                                        
At Teddys new book --                                       
"Profiles in Soiling My Drawers"                            
                                                            
54172 POLITICS - KENNEDYS                                     



Said Willy, "Don't dare to deprive                          
Me the joy from your bod I'll derive.                       
If you won't stay to play,                                  
You'll be sent on your way                                  
And I'll get Uncle Teddy to drive."                         
                                                            
54173 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Bob Giandomenico    P9108



In the gleam of the bright polished chrome,                 
Bill Smith said at the door to his brougham,                
"If you don't play ball,                                    
I'll put in a call                                          
For my uncle to drive you back home."                       
                                                            
54174 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            A. N. Wilkins       P9108



Politicians must think we are dumb a lot,                   
And that's why we reelect scum a lot.                       
Not the least of the pack                                   
Was when our King Jack                                      
Changed the named of the White House to Comealot.           
                                                            
54175 POLITICS - KENNEDYS            Loren C. FitzHugh   P9703



In the cloakroom said Gingrich to Dole,                     
"That old war wound sure took its toll.                     
The bodily harm                                             
That the Krauts did your arm,                               
Makes it useless for flogging your pole!"                   
                                                            
54176 POLITICS - LEGIS               Blackbody                



To Newt, Old Bob did relate,                                
"There's other ways to masturbate--                         
Now every night,                                            
Instead of the right,                                       
I just fuck the left, which is great!"                      
                                                            
54177 POLITICS - LEGIS               Blackbody                



Our Congress, apparently blind,                             
Was arrested and roundly maligned                           
For its vow to stick to it                                  
Although we exchew it;                                      
That contract that nobody signed.                           
(Republicans contract with America in 1992)                 
54178 POLITICS - LEGIS               Cybergeezer              



It's never too smart to make bets upon                      
Base closings proposed by the Pentagon.                     
On the left and the right,                                  
Your Congressman might                                      
Have the clout to protect your white mastodon.              
                                                            
54179 POLITICS - LEGIS               Bob Birch                



Our Congress meets daily because                            
We live in a land full of flaws,                            
And they rattle and prate                                   
In a lengthly debate                                        
And their blunders become our new laws.                     
                                                            
54180 POLITICS - LEGIS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2439



The fellow in charge of the budget                          
Was arrested for plotting to fudge it.                      
He happened to think,                                       
Since a budget's just ink,                                  
If you wanted to fudge it, just smudge it.                  
                                                            
54181 POLITICS - LEGIS                                        



McCain's campaign finance reform                            
Is not premature or stillborn.                              
Now votes he can muster                                     
To break filibuster,                                        
If he strikes while the iron is warm.                       
                                                            
54182 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick              



There once was a clever CHLOCHARD,                          
Who wanted his own chauffered car.                          
He gave up his trade,                                       
Was Congressman made,                                       
And with campaign funds has gone far.                       
                                                            
54183 POLITICS - LEGIS               Chris Papa               



Philanderer?  Congressman Condit                            
Denied it.  "My word is my bond!"  It                       
Turns out he was lying,                                     
And now he's denying                                        
He knows where his lover's abscondit!                       
                                                            
54184 POLITICS - LEGIS               Prof M-G                 



To Congress, itself does ensconce                           
To study in depth a response                                
For a nation that's ill,                                    
But they dip in the till,                                   
While the President beats on his schwantz.                  
                                                            
54185 POLITICS - LEGIS               Albin Chaplin 3024  P9811



The committee on porn hopes to stem                         
The deluge of smut and condemn                              
Its sale by the armful                                      
And its reading as harmful                                  
To all persons except, of course, them.                     
                                                            
54186 POLITICS - LEGIS               A. N. Wilkins       P8607



Is Congress just yanking our chain?                         
Are they feeling your IRS pain?                             
Sure, they're gonna fix it!                                 
Let's make 'em deep six it,                                 
Somewhere between Hell and Bahrain!                         
                                                            
54187 POLITICS - LEGIS                                        



Our government sure is a mess                               
The congress sucks, I confess                               
With all of their clout                                     
They flounder about                                         
And prattle about to the press.                             
                                                            
54188 POLITICS - LEGIS                                        



An ally approaches this mess                                
In hope of finding redress.                                 
But our congress is lazy                                    
And their memory hazy.                                      
Did 500 appear?  No! quite less.                            
                                                            
54189 POLITICS - LEGIS                                        



When Keaton attempted to fluster                            
Some congressional pages who cluster                        
Around wisecracking wags,                                   
By calling them fags,                                       
They gave him a long filibuster.                            
(Buster Keaton - get it?)                                   
54190 POLITICS - LEGIS               Hugh Clary               



To Washington went Miss Latrobe,                            
And by Congress was asked to disrobe.                       
By Congress respected,                                      
She there was subjected                                     
To a thorough Congressional Probe.                          
                                                            
54191 POLITICS - LEGIS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2153



There's a staffer with opulent globes,                      
Whom a Congressman lewdly disrobes.                         
It's a question of lust                                     
With political thrust,                                      
Since in Congress, a Congressman probes.                    
                                                            
54192 POLITICS - LEGIS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The congressman is quite the wag,                           
When the President, he did tag.                             
I don't know about you                                      
But to me it rings true.                                    
He certainly is a scumbag.                                  
                                                            
54193 POLITICS - LEGIS               Puff Adder               



I've worked in the state loony-bin,                         
The patients agree, with a grin --                          
If we look in D.C.,                                         
It's plain as can be;                                       
There are more crazies outside than in!                     
                                                            
54194 POLITICS - LEGIS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A Congressman quite dull and dim,                           
Took bribes with greedy ways grim,                          
But he kept the roads paved,                                
And so his skin was saved.                                  
Local yokels would never OUST him.                          
                                                            
54195 POLITICS - LEGIS               Chris Papa               



A lame-duck coward named Exon,                              
Crusaded to censor all sexin'.                              
The son-of-a-bitch                                          
Should be dragged through a ditch,                          
While chained to the butt of a Texan.                       
(Exon is a senator from somewhere)                          
54196 POLITICS - LEGIS               Lloyd Rawley             



Because of the obvious dearth                               
Of intelligent life here on Earth,                          
Congressional nuts                                          
Make deep budget cuts                                       
In projects that have any worth.                            
                                                            
54197 POLITICS - LEGIS               Kevin Kirby              



Dan Burton, he stands for the Right,                        
But often confused day with the night.                      
With Congressional immunity,                                
He speaks with impunity,                                    
And thus sullies Justice with blight.                       
                                                            
54198 POLITICS - LEGIS               Amador                   



I would say of Indiana's Dan Burton                         
That he is the one who is hurtin'.                          
The poor man does need                                      
To learn how to read                                        
And to parse English syntax, that's certain.                
                                                            
54199 POLITICS - LEGIS               JRW                      



David Duke's reputation's replete                           
With rumors of feats indiscrete.                            
But they've got the wrong man--                             
He's not 'Head Of The Klan'.                                
It was 'Wizard Under The Sheet.'                            
                                                            
54200 POLITICS - LEGIS               Arthur Deex         P9112



Dick Gephardt will say anything                             
In his quest for the Whitehouse brass ring;                 
Put him out to pasture,                                     
The better, the faster,                                     
And find a new Speaker next spring.                         
                                                            
54201 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick              



If in Congress a Congressman rigs                           
A system, wherein, just like pigs,                          
At the trough his help feeds                                
And he skims the proceeds,                                  
Then it seems that his own grave he Diggs.                  
(must be a personal reference)                              
54202 POLITICS - LEGIS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2771



From the voters to their legislation:                       
"Desist and just govern the nation.                         
It's not your commission                                    
To elicit contrition.                                       
You're agenda is dip defecation!"                           
                                                            
54203 POLITICS - LEGIS               Conch                    



We send them to Congress with cheers,                       
Then hope our pet project appears.                          
But you can't please them all                               
In that great learned hall.                                 
So we'll try once again in two years.                       
                                                            
54204 POLITICS - LEGIS               Gifford wherry           



A Senator named Big George Custer                           
Was into a long filibuster,                                 
During which he drank tea,                                  
And at length had to pee,                                   
And that put an end to his bluster.                         
                                                            
54205 POLITICS - LEGIS               Warrick Elrod            



There was a young congress man Condit,                      
Whose girlfriend became quite despondent.                   
She said, "Divorce your wife!"                              
He said, "Not on your life!"                                
And now bail, he may soon have to bond it.                  
(Condit was having an affair with missing intern)           
54206 POLITICS - LEGIS               Anon                     



The Republican Party of Texas                               
Socked the Dems in their solar plexus;                      
Redistricting clever                                        
Means the Dems will never                                   
Have a place where the voters elect us.                     
                                                            
54207 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick  11-15-01    



But the Federal Court of Appeals                            
Responding to Democrats' squeals,                           
Said, "We hereby do stop                                    
This attempt by the GOP                                     
To take over the whole commonweal!"                         
                                                            
54208 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick  11-15-01    



Congressman Blagojevich                                     
Is getting exceedingly rich.                                
From his lawyer days, he's                                  
Got contingency fees --                                     
So it's all, every dime, quite legit.                       
                                                            
54209 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick  02-27-02    



Father Flanagan giggled with joy,                           
As he chose unctions they would employ.                     
"It's not all that messy,                                   
Newt, just check with Jesse.                                
And there's no such thing as a bad boy."                    
(Newt Gingrich and Jesse Helms - political assholes - McW)  
54210 POLITICS - LEGIS               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9504



A curious fellow named Burkes,                              
Who watched to see how Congress works,                      
Saw ill-fitting parts                                       
And their fits and their starts,                            
Concluding we're governed by jerks.                         
                                                            
54211 POLITICS - LEGIS               Cyber Geezer             



The House and the Senate are packed                         
With horny old men chasing crack.                           
While some like the tresses                                 
Of ladies in dresses,                                       
A few like the hole in the back.                            
                                                            
54212 POLITICS - LEGIS               Terry Lynn               



They all seem to live in glass houses                       
And they're roaring right now just like mouses.             
They're all throwing rocks                                  
While pulling their cocks,                                  
'Cause the antics of Clinton arouses.                       
                                                            
54213 POLITICS - LEGIS               Terry Lynn               



News from the scientific community:                         
Rising temperatures in Washington, D.C.                     
It's not global warming,                                    
But hot gases forming                                       
From congressional fights on TV.                            
                                                            
54214 POLITICS - LEGIS               Lynn Mostafa             



Said lecherous Senator Beecham,                             
"When I've need for girls, I beseech 'em;                   
Should they not see the light                               
Or ignore my sad plight,                                    
There's always the threat to impeach 'em.                   
                                                            
54215 POLITICS - LEGIS               Armand E Singer       573



Elected to Congress, we learn                               
Of privilege when we adjourn.                               
This helps us enjoy                                         
Each girl and each boy,                                     
Seducing each intern in turn.                               
                                                            
54216 POLITICS - LEGIS               Nick                     



The lawmakers started reviewing                             
The laws that related to screwing.                          
They have lifted the lid                                    
From what blackets had hid;                                 
It's now legal to do what you're doing.                     
                                                            
54217 POLITICS - LEGIS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2768



That wicked endeavor, JIM CROW,                             
Was practiced, as far as I know,                            
With an unjust hand                                         
Across our great land,                                      
Not just in the South down below.                           
                                                            
54218 POLITICS - LEGIS               Chris Papa               



Remember the movie, Dumbo?                                  
Tolerance was its theme, you know.                          
But the crows who sang                                      
With a southern twang,                                      
Gave a boost to the cause of JIM CROW.                      
                                                            
54219 POLITICS - LEGIS               Norm                     



Unfair discrimination, JIM CROW,                            
Was applied to those we called negro,                       
But scales from our eyes                                    
Fell off.  We're more wise,                                 
Now we've added groups from Mexico.                         
(And far east, central America, and indians)                
54220 POLITICS - LEGIS               Daniel Ford              



I remember being told, to look                              
At politicians, either liars or crooks                      
Since no other kind,                                        
Can come to mind,                                           
Only these types, must write our books.                     
                                                            
54221 POLITICS - LEGIS                                        



To distinguish these two, I asked                           
A question of present and past                              
"A crook were you ever?                                     
The answer "No, never."                                     
And I'd know he's a liar, that fast.                        
                                                            
54222 POLITICS - LEGIS                                        



The Congress itself does esconce                            
To study in depth a response                                
For a nation that's ill,                                    
But they dip in the till                                    
While the President beats on his schwantz.                  
                                                            
54223 POLITICS - LEGIS               Jim Weaver Collection    



Sunk deep in corrupt fetid fen,                             
Are bunch that are called "Congressmen".                    
Pork-barrel, kick-backs,                                    
PAC money in sacks,                                         
All found in iniquity's den.                                
                                                            
54224 POLITICS - LEGIS               John Miller              



Pork-barreling and log-rolling,                             
Beat voters of Nation polling.                              
Those old QUID PRO QUOS                                     
Make us pay through the nose,                               
While lawmakers, selves are extolling.                      
                                                            
54225 POLITICS - LEGIS               Larry                    



Representative Scotty McGinnis sent                         
A proposal he thinks will help innocent                     
Interns of D.C.                                             
Preserve their chastity;                                    
Helpful, if e'er a virgin is sent.                          
                                                            
54226 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick              



A cyberspace junkie named John                              
Developed the ultimate con:                                 
"If I get them to pay                                       
To take my survey,                                          
I can run for the seat of Exon."                            
                                                            
54227 POLITICS - LEGIS               The Weaver Collection    



One year ago, Senator Jeffords,                             
His GOP ties neatly severed;                                
This act of courage                                         
Did much to discourage                                      
Bush's rifle the Treasury effort.                           
                                                            
54228 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick  05-24-02    



The Senators, eager to go                                   
To Medicare drugs, "just said no;"                          
But don't get hysteric,                                     
They did help generics                                      
More quickly to get in the flow.                            
                                                            
54229 POLITICS - LEGIS               Dr Limerick              



When idiots by chance have been bred,                       
They need to be cared for and fed.                          
Though asylums are there,                                   
It costs money for care,                                    
So we send them to Congress instead.                        
                                                            
54230 POLITICS - LEGIS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2465



Said my congressman, "Sure, I agree                         
In free speech, constitutionally.                           
But I still exercise                                        
Faith in free enterprise,                                   
So my speeches demand a large fee."                         
                                                            
54231 POLITICS - LEGIS               William N. Nesbit   P9703



"The brain," said psychiatrist Knight,                      
"Is the seat of orgasmic delight.                           
Which is why politicians                                    
Have nocturnal emissions                                    
As their nonsense they stand to recite."                    
                                                            
54232 POLITICS - LEGIS               Al Chaplin          P9410



If our congress seems addelpated,                           
Passing laws that are logic attenuated.                     
Know that ability                                           
Is based on senility,                                       
With committee heads SUPERANNUATED.                         
                                                            
54233 POLITICS - LEGIS               J'Carlin                 



Scary choices, on that you can bank.                        
To not face them, your lord you can thank.                  
Would you rather be stuck                                   
On a bridge in Ted's truck                                  
Or a closet with congressman Frank.                         
                                                            
54234 POLITICS - LEGIS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A toreador, we just read,                                   
Is tired of the life he has led;                            
Says it was too full                                        
Of throwing the bull,                                       
Now he'll run for congress instead.                         
                                                            
54235 POLITICS - LEGIS               Evelyn Bogen        P9406



When a congressman, aiding a firm,                          
Was arrested, it made his peers squirm.                     
To encourage repentance,                                    
His appropriate sentence                                    
Was to serve an unlimited term.                             
                                                            
54236 POLITICS - LEGIS               Cybergeezer              



Now Reagan was dumb, the old coot,                          
And Carter was much more astute.                            
Bush was a crook,                                           
And Bill is a schnook,                                      
But I'll take all of them over Newt!                        
                                                            
54237 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Kaylin Brandon           



On her head liberals paced a large bounty,                  
But she stood tall and straight like a Mountie.             
Mother Gingrich we need;                                    
We'll let her cast the lead,                                
For the Bitches of Madison County.                          
                                                            
54238 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Al Gore is the next in the line;                            
After Clinton he will be just fine.                         
But pardon my dreaming,                                     
The thought has me beaming;                                 
For President Newt I will pine.                             
                                                            
54239 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Mike Hunter              



You can pine for old Newt, you can cry;                     
You can rant, even rail to the sky.                         
The only way Newt                                           
Will gain a salute?                                         
If he causes old Al Gore to die.                            
                                                            
54240 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Frank Fazed              



Nancy Reagan and Gingrich once sat                          
In their Medicine Show on the Platte.                       
Swearing it was the truth,                                  
Their Snake Oil, 90 Proof,                                  
Contained Eye of Newt, Wing of Olde Bat.                    
                                                            
54241 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



My friends, it would be a great hoot                        
If we could give Slick Bill the boot.                       
Then we could call                                          
To the king of them all;                                    
Just imagine -- President Newt!                             
                                                            
54242 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Mike Hunter              



President Newt? Bite your tongue.                           
A fan of his I am not among.                                
Those who think he's                                        
Just the bees knees,                                        
The S.O.B.'s more like a bung.                              
                                                            
54243 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Arden                    



I don't know what else Newt can do                          
To appease David Bonior and crew.                           
The Newt's debt will be paid,                               
Bonior's hate won't be swayed.                              
Is a trip to the shrink overdue?                            
                                                            
54244 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



In their drive to get Gingrich "adjourned",                 
Democrats don't care what laws are spurned.                 
The stakes must be high                                     
To risk all on one guy.                                     
Their own hides are at risk to get burned.                  
                                                            
54245 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



The two bumpkins from Florida knew                          
Cell-phone taping they did, was taboo.                      
Sensing great opportunity,                                  
They first sought immunity,                                 
And expected applause for their coup.                       
                                                            
54246 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Democrats are still pitching a fit;                         
Their anger at Gingrich won't quit.                         
They will bitch, moan, and cry                              
Till their tear ducts run dry,                              
And they learn to stop picking at nits.                     
                                                            
54247 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Democrats suffer pain quite acute                           
Since Bob Dole loaned Newt Gingrich the loot.               
Their objective, long-term,                                 
Was to make Gingrich squirm,                                
While they plotted his push down the chute.                 
                                                            
54248 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



But instead of the praise that they sought,                 
Someone squealed, told the press, they were caught.         
They should have known                                      
They'd be standing alone                                    
If the scab got ripped off of the plot.                     
                                                            
54249 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a house speaker named Newt,                       
Whose contract now seems to be moot.                        
The contract was lean;                                      
In fact is was mean;                                        
Let's hope Georgia gives Newt the boot.                     
                                                            
54250 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Harold Heidler           



Some good and bad news on Gingrich:                         
The good -- he's been caught in things which                
Will lay him quite low.                                     
The bad -- we now know,                                     
His mom's reason for saying "that bitch."                   
                                                            
54251 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



If from welfare we all should wean,                         
To you, my friend, it does seem mean.                       
Then yes, Newt is callus,                                   
But at least his phallus                                    
Is not widely known or oft seen.                            
                                                            
54252 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Mike H                   



Newt's fine but needs milk of magnesia;                     
Feels faint as if from anesthesia.                          
How does he plan to pay?                                    
Hire a gardener today,                                      
One who's coming here from Indonesia.                       
                                                            
54253 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



The way to handle old Newt                                  
Is to take careful aim when you shoot                       
Right 'tween the eyes                                       
With those chocolate cream pies.                            
Kill him with food, the galoot!                             
                                                            
54254 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Arden                    



A moron who calls himself Newt,                             
With every point obviously moot,                            
Like a dog to be trained                                    
On a rug freshly stained,                                   
Needs a rap with a boot on the snoot.                       
                                                            
54255 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



David Bonior won't be happy 'til                            
Speaker Gingrich is gone from the hill.                     
Bonior leads the attack                                     
Of the Democrats pack                                       
From the top of their liberal molehill.                     
                                                            
54256 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Speaker Gingrich admits he was lax                          
Checking legal forms dealing with tax.                      
But Bonior's made him a decoy                               
To draw fire from his own boy,                              
And let heat dissipate from Bill's tracks.                  
                                                            
54257 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



I saw Newt on TV today;                                     
Is there nothing that gasbag won't say?                     
His anal retentions                                         
Have reached new dimensions.                                
He'll go off like a turd-bomb some day.                     
                                                            
54258 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Mr Malo                  



You can't say that fascism's dead                           
In Congress, old Newt is the head.                          
He abuses the House                                         
Like a substitute spouse,                                   
'Cause nothing arises in bed.                               
                                                            
54259 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Newt has a plan with potential.                             
He hopes to prove Bill non-essential.                       
For if Clinton must go                                      
On a federal furlough,                                      
Then Newt can appear presidential.                          
                                                            
54260 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Larry Dahl               



True believers may read this and flinch,                    
But he'll not even do in a pinch.                           
Disputatious and snide,                                     
I predict next Yuletide,                                    
He'll steal Christmas, mean old Nuke Gingrinch.             
                                                            
54261 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9504



Newt Gingrich faced charges anew,                           
As he parried the Democratic crew.                          
With his skillful defense,                                  
He proclaimed innocence:                                    
"No, I am not a crook number two."                          
                                                            
54262 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Al Chaplin          P9702



Mrs. Gingrich's baby was cute.                              
"I know," she said, "let's call him Newt."                  
Back then, just a leaker,                                   
But now he's The Speaker.                                   
Must he always wear the same suit?                          
                                                            
54263 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Ogden Nield              



Our Senate Majority, Newt,                                  
Has a mom who's a bit of a coot.                            
While he tells Congress lies,                               
Her jaw flaps and flies                                     
On national TV, to boot.                                    
                                                            
54264 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT                                 



If you study the silver-haired Newt,                        
You will find he thinks orphans are cute.                   
He's especially bold                                        
When attacking the old,                                     
For he's blind, deaf, and dumb, but not mute.               
                                                            
54265 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Larry Dahl               



A puddle of butter, named Newt,                             
Had always been judged as a fruit.                          
But then he gained power,                                   
Perfected his glower,                                       
The fruit now is snooty, to boot.                           
                                                            
54266 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Pope                     



A cuddle of butter, named Newty,                            
Had always been judged kind of fruity.                      
But then he gained power,                                   
Perfected his glower                                        
In a table-turn yuk, way too hooty.                         
                                                            
54267 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



That Newt who lives down on the floor,                      
Was arrested, and tossed out the door.                      
He deserved swift disposal                                  
For his modest proposal:                                    
To host a Friar's Roast of the Poor.                        
                                                            
54268 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Cybergeezer              



Newt Gingrich, the head of the House,                       
Once fell in love with my spouse.                           
"I'll divorce you!", I screamed,                            
"If you dare touch his thing!"                              
She said, "Don't worry, its as small as a mouse."           
                                                            
54269 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT                                 



Well, Newt, his book, and his bucks,                        
And the southern-bred pigs that he fucks,                   
Went to Capitol Hill                                        
To loll in the swill,                                       
And he says that its Clinton who sucks!                     
                                                            
54270 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT                                 



Democrats have new reason to groan.                         
One more scheme to "get Newt" has been blown.               
Tapes of a phone call                                       
Will lead to the downfall                                   
Of Jim M. and he won't be alone.                            
                                                            
54271 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Foes have tried to force Newt to resign,                    
But they can't seem to sever his spine.                     
Until a Democrat's there                                    
In the House Speaker's chair,                               
Democrats will do nothing but whine.                        
                                                            
54272 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



And so why are the democrats sour?                          
That's not hard. They've lost most of their power.          
To get some of it back,                                     
They must give Newt the sack                                
Or turn him into a political wallflower.                    
                                                            
54273 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Democrats tried to cause a delay                            
In electing a Speaker today.                                
But their tactics all failed                                
And Newt Gingrich prefailed.                                
Democrats got their butts kicked today.                     
                                                            
54274 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Many wolves in the pack will regret it,                     
As their own ethics have little credit.                     
Before casting a stone                                      
They should look to their own.                              
My advice to the Speaker? Don't sweat it!                   
                                                            
54275 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Bonior buzzed around Newt like a fly                        
As he tried to find dirt on the guy.                        
But his quest was a bust,                                   
'Cause he found only dust,                                  
And Newt still has his piece of the pie.                    
                                                            
54276 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Democrats want to give Newt the boot                        
So the trumped up an ethics dispute.                        
Bonior and his pack                                         
Are on the attack,                                          
As they yip and they howl in pursuit.                       
                                                            
54277 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



I don't think that I'd vote for Newt;                       
Because of the wig, he's hirsute.                           
He'd cut all the funds,                                     
And starve all the nuns.                                    
His compassion is rather minute.                            
                                                            
54278 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Jim Weaver Collection    



Newt Gingrich went after Jim Wright,                        
And poor Jim's career it took flight.                       
Then Newt crossed the line                                  
And paid a big fine;                                        
Which proves that Newt wasn't too bright.                   
                                                            
54279 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Gifford Wherry           



Newt's pecker has never been vaunted,                       
And thank Heavens, he doesn't just flaunt it.               
'Cause seeing it sprout                                     
From that big ugly lout,                                    
Who in the hell would want it?                              
                                                            
54280 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        MrMalo                   



I don't like Newt one bit;                                  
He's always throwing a hissy fit.                           
Maybe bias blinds me,                                       
But that asshole reminds me                                 
Of something Rush Limbaugh might shit.                      
                                                            
54281 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        MrMalo                   



Old Newt and his GOP geezers                                
Ain't known to be woman-pleasers.                           
They moralize smugly;                                       
They're mean and they're ugly,                              
And they can't take a leek without tweezers.                
                                                            
54282 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        MrMalo                   



What anphibian art thou, O Newt?                            
You devoured the old Speaker's repute,                      
Yet you act so surprised                                    
To get cannibalized,                                        
When you fail to deliver the loot!                          
                                                            
54283 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Prof M-G                 



A TROGLODYTE ain't very cute,                               
Equates with some sort of a brute.                          
To Democrat band,                                           
All over the land,                                          
'Tis title well suited to Newt.                             
(Newt Gingrich - Speaker of the House, U.S Congress)        
54284 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Chris Papa               



Ambitious, conservative Newt,                               
Republican-leading galoot.                                  
Congressional resident,                                     
Wants to be President.                                      
Isn't that image a hoot?                                    
                                                            
54285 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Cyber Geezer             



Ambitious, conservative Newt,                               
Republican-leading galoot,                                  
Congressional resident,                                     
Wants to be President.                                      
Isn't the image a hoot?                                     
                                                            
54286 POLITICS - LEGIS - NEWT        Cyber Geezer             



While the bill was debated, Miss Snyder,                    
Had a Senator thrusting inside her.                         
To a knock on the door,                                     
She replied from the floor,                                 
"Go away - I'm attached to a rider."                        
                                                            
54287 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                               



There was an old fellow named Bennet;                       
They made him the head of the Senate.                       
On proposed legislation                                     
Which was good for our nation,                              
He made sure all the votes were agin' it.                   
                                                            
54288 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2444



The Senate's new honcho, Bill Frist,                        
Will be quite sure to add a new twist                       
To all our health concerns,                                 
By invoking new spurns                                      
And with the AMA, keep his tryst.                           
                                                            
54289 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



There's an anthropoid consul called Bennet,                 
With the jowl of a jackass or gennet,                       
He must muzzle or mask it                                   
In a waste paper basket,                                    
When he rises to bray in the Senate.                        
                                                            
54290 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      James Joyce         P9007



In his speeches, a senator girds                            
His ideas with delicate words,                              
For when handled as art,                                    
They're as light as a fart;                                 
Given substance, we'd spot them as turds.                   
                                                            
54291 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Pat Byrnes               



"Where's my rubbers?" cried Phog with a roar.               
"The junk here could suck up a store!                       
Can't you half-witted shits                                 
Lay your hands on those kits--                              
Those French ticklers I bought for Miss Shore?"             
                                                            
54292 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                          G0733



Said the page at the Senator's door,                        
"They want you at once on the floor."                       
"You damn whey-faced shit,                                  
Go say I can't quit;                                        
Just tell them I'm fucking my whore!"                       
                                                            
54293 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                          G0734



"Holy Jesus!" cried Phog, "something's tore.                
Here's a mishap I greatly deplore.                          
Three cheers for motherhood!                                
And all of that other crud--                                
I've just shot my bolt in Miss Shore!"                      
                                                            
54294 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                          G0735



Since Phogbound must go on the floor,                       
And hasn't quite brought off his whore,                     
He endeavors by proxy                                       
To finish his doxy;                                         
The Sergeant-at-Arms gets the chore.                        
                                                            
54295 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                          G0736



Said Phogbound, "I'm poor at retarding.                     
When attempted, it just leads to farting.                   
No slow pokes for me,                                       
Let the jizz flow like pee!                                 
I'm no Warren Gamaliel Harding!"                            
                                                            
54296 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                          G0737



After admitting his youthful indiscretion,                  
Said Hyde with a souring expression,                        
"Its hard to see Bill                                       
Has got such a thrill,                                      
And none for me in this session."                           
                                                            
54297 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                               



And now, as the press starts to heckle,                     
The Congress and look for a speckle                         
Or flaw in each one,                                        
This business should teach one                              
Inside Henry Hyde may hide Jekyll.                          
                                                            
54298 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                               



The Clintons -- Bill and Hillary both --                    
Thought they needed some new income growth.                 
So they abused power                                        
And asked for a "shower"                                    
Before she said her Senate oath.                            
                                                            
54299 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                               



Jeffords said, "It just cannot be true!                     
A conservative?  I had no clue!                             
Now my feelings are hurt                                    
And I plan to desert!                                       
That'll show that old George W!"                            
                                                            
54300 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      William N Nesbit    P0107



Jesse Helms' chauffeur drove him quite far,                 
'Round by Hildy's Celestial Bar.                            
When the nuns in the place                                  
Glimpsed the Senator's face,                                
They threw angel dung at his car.                           
                                                            
54301 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                               



Has the grand Ship of State been beached?                   
Is White Willy pure or just bleached?                       
If I were elected                                           
And these poems detected,                                   
Would Jesse Helms want me impeached?                        
                                                            
54302 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      MrMalo                   



On principle, Jesse's inclined                              
To let U.N. dues fall behind.                               
But along comes Ted Turner                                  
To pay off the furriners --                                 
Helm's principles get no nevermind.                         
                                                            
54303 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Election 2000            



Jesse Helms is a nasty old prune.                           
His face surely isn't rough-hewn.                           
In fact, the fascist fucker's                               
Face tend to pucker                                         
Like he's been sippin' cold piss off a spoon.               
                                                            
54304 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Jim Weaver Collection    



Jesse Helms was consumed with lust;                         
He said, "I shouldn't beat off, but I must!"                
Though shriveled and teeny,                                 
He wanged his old weenie;                                   
When he came, his pecker shot dust!                         
                                                            
54305 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Jim Weaver Collection    



"Repent of your predispositions;                            
We'll have some more inquisitions.                          
All can be saved.                                           
Find the depraved;                                          
Make them all act like good christians."                    
(Jesse Helms 2000 blessing the convention)                  
54306 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Karen                    



When Jim Jeffords rebelled over taxes,                      
The world shuddered, but maintained its axis.               
Then Jim walked 'cross the aisle                            
While Bill, true to his style,                              
Had a few amatory climaxes.                                 
                                                            
54307 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      William N Nesbit    P0107



When the party is over," Bill said,                         
"I'll be taking this bimbo to bed."                         
Jim said, "After a while   (Jim Jeffords switched parties)  
I'll be crossing the aisle --                               
But first, may I go with you?" he said.                     
                                                            
54308 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      William N Nesbit    P0107



When Jeffords left, he crossed the aisle.                   
Just look at those Democrats smile.                         
When Bill leaves the party,                                 
He proves he's the smarty;                                  
It's upstairs with a girl for a while.                      
                                                            
54309 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Tom Patton          P0107



A senator is oft called a whore,                            
An exceedingly apt METAPHOR.                                
He'd sell his soul                                          
For a better poll,                                          
Then defend his virtue on the Floor.                        
                                                            
54310 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Norm Brust               



Our Senate, whose wit (as suspected)                        
Was arrested, will keep us protected.                       
What kids see on the Net                                    
Not the motive, we fret,                                    
But obsession to be re-elected.                             
                                                            
54311 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Cybergeezer              



On this subject I can't get alarmed;                        
It's a battle of wits, no one's harmed.                     
Yet I cannot endorse                                        
This battle of course,                                      
Since the Senate is clearly unarmed.                        
                                                            
54312 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                               



It's not hard to perceive the intent                        
Of the liberal white-haired old gent.                       
But it did seem quite odd                                   
To see Senator Dodd,                                        
Walking 'round in the GOP tent.                             
                                                            
54313 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Jim Weaver Collection    



A chap from Ohio called Glenn --                            
Who spent hours in earth orbit, back when;                  
Then for years was Earthbound --                            
In his fourth Senate round                                  
Is elected to orbit again!                                  
                                                            
54314 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Paul Hoffman             



Claims Republican Senator Lott:                             
I'm no racist; that's Democrat rot!                         
Had you voted for Strom,                                    
Like the folks where I'm from,                              
We'd be problemless, now would we not?                      
                                                            
54315 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Anon                     



The issue of race segregation                               
Is more than just party affiliation.                        
But more likely than not,                                   
Our ex-Senator Lott                                         
Would vote party line for damnation.                        
                                                            
54316 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Phil T                   



The bum-patting Senator Pack,                               
Never used a frontal attack.                                
He came from the rear                                       
With too little fear.                                       
His cause had effect: It's the sack.                        
(Senator Packwood ousted from the Senate 1995)              
54317 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Pope                     



Have you heard about Senator Smed                           
Whose political chances are dead?                           
He arrived two hour late                                    
For his fundraising date                                    
With a garterbelt tied 'round his head.                     
                                                            
54318 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Robin K. Willoughby P8411



Said Senator David I. Walsh,                                
"Those charges against me are falsh.                        
Though I did go to Brooklyn                                 
For sooklyn and fooklyn,                                    
Not a gob laid his hands on my balsh."                      
                                                            
54319 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                          L0522



Senator Lott and Senator Daschle                            
With amazingly minimal hassle,                              
Agreed on the rules                                         
For allowing the mules                                      
And pachyderms to get down and wrassle.                     
                                                            
54320 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Dr Limerick              



A Senator, learned, from Texas,                             
Said that reading and writing perplexes.                    
But a new senate ruling                                     
Made demands on some schooling --                           
Now he signs his full name with two X's.                    
                                                            
54321 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Al Chaplin          P8812



Strom Thurmond, that Southern gay blade                     
Was often guilty of FANFARONADE.                            
He dipped his wick                                          
In many a chick,                                            
Including the upstairs maid.                                
(Strom fathered a mulatto by his upstair maid)              
54322 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Norm Brust               



On land, Daschle's a snake in the grass.                    
In a school of sharks, he heads the class.                  
He's as daft as a loon                                      
When he brays at the moon,                                  
As majority leader jackass.                                 
                                                            
54323 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE                               



By far not the first politico                               
Who turned out to be his own worst foe,                     
'Twas no slip of the lip                                    
That sank Trent Lott's ship,                                
And cause our "House of Lords" bid him go.                  
                                                            
54324 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



Walter Mondale, our hero, alas -                            
Just doesn't show us much class.                            
The problem's been major                                    
Since as a teen-ager,                                       
He had a charisma by-pass.                                  
                                                            
54325 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Arthur Deex         P8411



The GOP plans to rely                                       
On Cheney, to break a few ties;                             
Meanwhile Daschle                                           
Can't do much but hassle                                    
And on Strom Thurmond's health, keep an eye.                
                                                            
54326 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Dr Limerick              



When does a senator lie?                                    
It's seen by the casual eye.                                
He fabricates pips                                          
When he moves his lips.                                     
(A fact he will loudly deny.)                               
                                                            
54327 POLITICS - LEGIS - SENATE      Jim Jambor          P9101



I am against those polits who lie,                          
Tossing poo like pie in the sky,                            
But I'm for free beers                                      
That are served in brassiers                                
With a shake and an order of thighs!                        
                                                            
54328 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Brian Belge              



The gun lobbies have lots of gall;                          
So do those who want no guns at all.                        
So here is the puzzle:                                      
Should we muzzle the muzzle,                                
Or those who would muzzle us all?                           
                                                            
54329 POLITICS - LOBBYS              John Miller 0360         



It's become such a commonplace fate                         
To be killed by a raging schoolmate.                        
Is there no solution                                        
For this peer execution?                                    
Who is teaching them to calibrate?                          
                                                            
54330 POLITICS - LOBBYS              S C Saint                



I didn't intend to bring everyone down,                     
By noting this scholastic battleground.                     
But my rage and my pity                                     
For another lost kiddie                                     
Is causing my mind to lock down.                            
                                                            
54331 POLITICS - LOBBYS              S c Saint                



So now they would teach about guns                          
(As soon as they're given more funds).                      
You know what they'll do,                                   
They'll screw that up too.                                  
We'll lose all our rights when its done.                    
                                                            
54332 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Paul Franklin            



Another child has died by the gun,                          
Before his life had even begun.                             
Killed by another                                           
For some reason or other.                                   
Lord, what's happening to everyone?                         
                                                            
54333 POLITICS - LOBBYS              S C Saint                



We will keep all our rifles and guns;                       
Through the deaths of our daughters and sons.               
We have a right to bear arms;                               
No matter who it harms,                                     
To defend ourselves against the Huns.                       
                                                            
54334 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Darren                   



We'll keep all our guns and our rifles;                     
We will not be bothered with trifles.                       
We must feel like men;                                      
It is our Zen;                                             ,
If you feel differently, just stifle.                       
                                                            
54335 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Darren                   



We'll search all the kids, if we must.                      
We'll rob them of their innocent trust;                     
To protect our right;                                       
Our right to fight;                                         
Our right to pursue our unholy lust.                        
                                                            
54336 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Darren                   



We'll take away the rights of others;                       
No matter the rights that it smothers.                      
We will play                                                
And we will slay;                                           
That is if I do have my druthers.                           
                                                            
54337 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Darren                   



Metal detectors at every door;                              
Take their freedoms, and then take some more.               
Children must walk in fear;                                 
Death maybe lurks near;                                     
We will dehumanize them to the core!                        
                                                            
54338 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Darren                   



Just how many times must I tell you?                        
Will Jonesboro, Springfield compel you                      
To see it's a hoax;                                         
That guns don't kill folks?                                 
Don't buy what the NRA sells you!                           
                                                            
54339 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Prof M-G                 



A.R.A., N.R.A., rag.                                        
Either makes me want to gag.                                
When we put some guns                                       
In the hands of our sons,                                   
Some return in a body bag.                                  
                                                            
54340 POLITICS - LOBBYS              Arden                    



Photo ops and sound bites galore,                           
TV news has much scandal and gore.                          
And if it is bleeding,                                      
Why, then it is leading.                                    
Drama is what we adore.                                     
                                                            
54341 POLITICS - MEDIA               Lynn Mostafa             



A picture's worth more than a word.                         
People are a ravenous herd.                                 
If they try to explain,                                     
We switch channels again.                                   
Not the media, but the public's absurd.                     
                                                            
54342 POLITICS - MEDIA               Lynn Mostafa             



Politicians aren't slow to declare                          
Have one type of company share.                             
But unless in distress                                      
With the press, they don't 'fess                            
Up when company share means affair!                         
                                                            
54343 POLITICS - MEDIA               Prof M-G           TP9901



I just want to hear you blather;                            
It puts me right into a lather.                             
Meaning detracts                                            
From the issues and facts                                   
On hand or on something we'd rather.                        
                                                            
54344 POLITICS - MEDIA                                        



A cartoonist I find interestin'                             
Was arrested for merely suggestin'                          
That all politicians                                        
Be drawn in positions                                       
Other than those they look best in.                         
                                                            
54345 POLITICS - MEDIA               Barrie Collins      P9603



Thought Elian, "While I was boating,                        
The danger of sharks, I was noting.                         
But none did I see                                          
'Til I reached Miami.                                       
Now wherever I look, they are gloating.                     
(Elian Gonzales sought asylum)                              
54346 POLITICS - MEDIA               Prof M-G                 



A loyal young patriot, Bess,                                
Said, "Although it occasions distress,                      
I try to be pleased                                         
Whenever I'm squeezed.                                      
After all, that the freedom of press."                      
                                                            
54347 POLITICS - MEDIA               Isaac Asimov             



Politicians have sure got it made;                          
In addition to being well paid,                             
From what we've seen                                        
On the TV screen,                                           
They have no trouble getting laid.                          
                                                            
54348 POLITICS - MEDIA               MrMalo                   



There once was a man they call Hannity                      
Whose opinions lacked any sanity.                           
When he talks to his sheeple,                               
The dimest of people,                                       
They just nod their heads an' agree.                        
                                                            
54349 POLITICS - MEDIA               Anon                     



America is all shining stars;                               
What's said has been said from afar.                        
May the dork who spoke thus                                 
Have his prick fill with pus                                
And his balls should wind up in a jar.                      
                                                            
54350 POLITICS - MEDIA               Jim Weaver Collection    



On Sunday we saw we still need her;                         
The profession's in need of a leader.                       
'Though the New York Times                                  
Dug up recount crimes,                                      
It's too timid to be a Bush-beater.                         
                                                            
54351 POLITICS - MEDIA               Dr Limerick              



A fellow of infinite jest,                                  
Bob reported events that were dressed                       
In his comical views.                                       
And, speaking of news,                                      
He was able to keep quite abreast.                          
                                                            
54352 POLITICS - MEDIA               Don Moore           P0310



Politicians are not all corrupt                             
But a few can't survive a close-up.                         
The adventures risque                                       
Have been hidden away                                       
But like corks, they just keep popping up.                  
                                                            
54353 POLITICS - MEDIA               Jim Weaver Collection    



The campaign is now all past history.                       
How it went on so long is a mystery.                        
'Bout issues and such                                       
We heard very much                                          
And the truth has come out all "a-twistery."                
                                                            
54354 POLITICS - MEDIA               C. R. Openshaw      P8501



"I can't see that there's really much hope                  
For a country," declared Mr. Swope,                         
"Where folks hold the belief                                
They should market their chief                              
The same way they peddle their soap."                       
                                                            
54355 POLITICS - MEDIA               A. N. Wilkins       P8411



The newspaper's embarrassment climbs                        
As its image fades like soft chimes                         
Of a funeral dirge.                                         
Those caught up in the purge,                               
Are the ghosts haunting the New York Times.                 
                                                            
54356 POLITICS - MEDIA               Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



The theory in the New York Times,                           
Is that G-men know who did the crimes,                      
But they're kind of clannish;                               
They'll let evidence vanish,                                
Lest the Bureau be touched by the slime.                    
                                                            
54357 POLITICS - MEDIA               Dr Limerick              



The Times writer also suggests                              
The anthrax was sent on a quest,                            
To remind the nation                                        
That inoculation                                            
Is the anthrax cure that works best.                        
                                                            
54358 POLITICS - MEDIA               Dr Limerick              



That is, the intent was benign                              
Mailing poisons to Senators, fine.                          
The people who died                                         
Did so to provide                                           
The rest of us with warning sign.                           
                                                            
54359 POLITICS - MEDIA               Dr Limerick              



This kind of preposterous plan                              
Might be thought up by one crazy man;                       
But our CIA,                                                
Equally may                                                 
Have been there when this began.                            
                                                            
54360 POLITICS - MEDIA               Dr Limerick              



A millionaire, filled with elation                          
At his newspaper's wide circulation,                        
Said, "With murders, divorces,                              
And hints about horses,                                     
I am molding the mind of the Nation.                        
                                                            
54361 POLITICS - MEDIA               Thomas Thorneley         



I may not be very insightful,                               
But I do find it less than delightful                       
That way 'cross the sea,                                    
They can read more than me,                                 
About goings-on here that are frightful.                    
                                                            
54362 POLITICS - MEDIA                                        



Some people with shady professions                          
Indulge in risque indiscretions,                            
Then dare to reveal                                         
(With counterfeit zeal)                                     
Their sinning and phony confessions.                        
                                                            
54363 POLITICS - MEDIA               R. J. Winkler       P8503



I suspect that it's not low inflation,                      
But gossip that runs this great nation.                     
What a hunger have we                                       
For the next scandal or three;                              
Gives us something for our mastication.                     
                                                            
54364 POLITICS - MEDIA               KJR                      



The reason we're asked to endure,                           
A gutter press, smutty, impure,                             
Is that old river fleet,                                    
Whose name's on the street,                                 
Is an ordurous, underground sewer.                          
                                                            
54365 POLITICS - MEDIA               Bill Greenwell           



Moans Karl Marx, "As every day passes                       
My teachings about social classes                           
No longer apply,                                            
And do you know why?                                        
Sports, the new opiate of the masses."                      
                                                            
54366 POLITICS - MEDIA               Loren C Fitzhugh         



Should they start now to keep us apprised,                  
We all should be greatly surprised.                         
Straight news undiluted,                                    
By cant unpolluted,                                         
Is precisely what they've stigmatized.                      
                                                            
54367 POLITICS - MEDIA               Dave Martin              



When asked "Is the FIFTH Estate a myth?"                    
Most folks will first pause then answer with,               
"A myth, the FIFTH Estate?"                                 
A further hesitate                                          
And then reply, "I'm claiming the Fifth."                   
                                                            
54368 POLITICS - MEDIA               Irving Superior          



For election one needs, I would guess,                      
An intimate friend with no less                             
Than a readily-bared chest,                                 
Who can hump with a zest,                                   
And is willing to talk to the press.                        
                                                            
54369 POLITICS - MEDIA               Dick Buenger        P8806



As we near this election year's brink,                      
There's a chance I'll be driven to drink,                   
Unless biased debaters                                      
And TV commentators,                                        
Or just someone tells me what to think.                     
                                                            
54370 POLITICS - MEDIA               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9607



TV's more a wasteland than ever;                            
Most comics are raunchy, not clever.                        
The "music", too loud,                                      
Should not be allowed;                                      
Still worse are the movies, however.                        
                                                            
54371 POLITICS - MEDIA                                        



TV swamps us in a seething sea                              
Of trash, spewed forth so rentlessly,                       
Loud, crudely intensive,                                    
Bizarrely offensive.                                        
"Realistic unreality."                                      
                                                            
54372 POLITICS - MEDIA               Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



In kingdoms the king rules a monarchy;                      
In republics rich men have plutocracy --                    
I wish it weren't so                                        
But the TV news show                                        
Is government by media-cracy.                               
                                                            
54373 POLITICS - MEDIA               Ron O               P9103



To quote a politician VERBATIM,                             
Is the very best way to deflate him.                        
His very own words,                                         
Like steaming turds,                                        
Give us the cause to berate 'em.                            
                                                            
54374 POLITICS - MEDIA               Norm Brust               



That idiot, William Safire,                                 
To my level will never aspire.                              
But I'll win him over yet                                   
For I surely won't let                                      
His subscription to NR expire.                              
(NR - National Review - conservative magazine)              
54375 POLITICS - MEDIA               William F. Buckley  P8606



The news shows Islamic gals keening.                        
The Arabs fight Jews without meaning.                       
I should write about life                                   
Not intestinal strife;                                      
Political stuff's so demeaning.                             
                                                            
54376 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Anon                     



At a diplomat's ball in Rabat,                              
Rabin said, "Arafat knows where it's at."                   
DeKlerk said, "Mandela's                                    
A really swell fella."                                      
Then all four of them got in a spat.                        
                                                            
54377 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Thomas G. Keller    P9402



King George's much-heralded plan                            
To bring peace to the Holy Land,                            
Was drafted, I believe,                                     
Right in Tel-Aviv,                                          
Killing peace talks before they began.                      
                                                            
54378 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Dr Limerick              



A Jericho title's no cinch!                                 
They've fought many times for each inch.                    
With wars great and small,                                  
Clear back to the Wall,                                     
The guy who can clear one's a Mensch!                       
(title to land in the city of Jericho)                      
54379 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Larry J. Davis      P9405



We have "Allies" in the Middle East,                        
Whose lies all reek like spoiled yeast.                     
They rise and they fall                                     
And do nothing at all                                       
To stop Arafat, murderous beast.                            
                                                            
54380 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Tomer Shiran             



Cathy licked Paddy's shillelagh;                            
Off like a bomb he went daily.                              
Forgetting what for,                                        
They dismissed the war.                                     
Mohammed should blow Miss Israeli!                          
                                                            
54381 POLITICS - MIDEAST                                      



We meddle in the Middle East                                
Producing an unhealthy yeast,                               
That raises the Devil                                       
On every level,                                             
With bitter bread ruining the feast.                        
                                                            
54382 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Timothy Torkildson       



The paper read "Iran beats Satan"                           
And in my mind, I am debatin',                              
If U-S-of-A                                                 
Is viewed in this way,                                      
Why is it Iraq we are hatin'.                               
                                                            
54383 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Gearhart                 



Said Bill to the Shah of Iran,                              
"If the UN agrees to my plan,                               
I'll hit you with sanctions,                                
And bomb all your mansions,                                 
While I work on my Vineyard tan."                           
                                                            
54384 POLITICS - MIDEAST             Vik                      



A young diplomat from Kabul,                                
Whose parents never sent him to school,                     
Received lessons at home                                    
From a teacher from Rome.                                   
In his job he has proved he's no fool.                      
                                                            
54385 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Arthur Pattaffy          



I find all this rhetoric lame,                              
Treating peace like it's some sort of game.                 
They claim Allah has willed                                 
That we all be killed,                                      
But they sell us their oil just the same.                   
                                                            
54386 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



An Arab in France from Algeria                              
Fit the usual criteria;                                     
Hated Christians and Jews,                                  
Was worth a few sous,                                       
And camel dung graced his posterior                         
                                                            
54387 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



When the Jews are all long in their graves                  
And the white people turned into slaves,                    
Will the Arabs then stop,                                   
Now and then, for a chop                                    
Of a head when their Grand Mullah craves.                   
                                                            
54388 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Yasser Arafat's not a barbarian.                            
He's just a gourmet vegetarian.                             
His peace soup's all the rage,                              
With its parsley and sage,                                  
But a bit more thyme's necessitarian.                       
                                                            
54389 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



Israelis have promised to scat                              
Away from the West Bank and that                            
They'll pull back their tanks                               
And give many thanks,                                       
If Arafat takes off his hat.                                
                                                            
54390 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Travis Brasell           



When Yasser Arafat gets to Hell,                            
I wish him and his cohorts, all well.                       
As they all start to burn,                                  
Maybe then they will learn,                                 
Between lies and truth, God can tell.                       
                                                            
54391 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



In his office surrounded by tanks,                          
Arafat gave a moment of thanks,                             
To the vermin and pests                                     
That he treats like his guests.                             
Now he sits in the dark and just wanks.                     
                                                            
54392 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Is it time to get rid of Arafat?                            
Why hesidate to remove this rat?                            
His tactics, insidious,                                     
Invidious and PERFIDIOUS,                                   
Have forced a deadly game of tit for tat.                   
                                                            
54393 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Norm Brust               



Mr Clinton said, "Give peace a nod                          
For the Golan Heights are merely sod.                       
So why for and whereas                                      
Can't you, Simon Peres,                                     
Just put your differences Assad?"                           
                                                            
54394 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9402



There was a young woman named Janey,                        
And no one alive is less brainy.                            
In her search for a man,                                    
She has gone to Iran,                                       
To wed Ayatollah Khomeini.                                  
                                                            
54395 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Isaac Asimov             



Some people are not very brainy;                            
Among them you'll find the Irani.                           
We bewail our lot,                                          
But look who they've got -                                  
Ayatolla Ruhollah Khomeini.                                 
                                                            
54396 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Ed Wolfert          P8205



An especially sly Ayatollah                                 
Has a passion for novels by Zola,                           
Keeps a bird in his nest                                    
From the decadent West,                                     
Whom he douches with Royal Crown Cola.                      
                                                            
54397 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



Ayatollah Khomeni is dead                                   
And the devils in Hell have his head.                       
With their infernal ways,                                   
They turn off the bidets,                                   
And just use Khomeni's tongue instead.                      
                                                            
54398 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Said a patient Iraqi, Hussein:                              
"Now one more time, let me explain                          
What you don't understand.                                  
If the weapons are banned,                                  
Then how could I use them again?"                           
                                                            
54399 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Cybergeezer              



For Arafat, time is too late;                               
He's cast to the wind his own fate;                         
He'll soon be demoted                                       
When Muslims have voted                                     
With 'butterfly ballots' -- they're great!                  
                                                            
54400 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Travis Brasell           



Leave a hundred billion bucks by the door,                  
And you'll have Egypt right there in the war.               
They will march and roll                                    
And the war takes it's toll,                                
And they crawl back to Cairo once more.                     
                                                            
54401 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Abdullah wrote up a peace plan,                             
As best as his Arab mind can.                               
"There's no cause for alarm;                                
Just lay down your arms;                                    
Open wide when the shit hits the fan.                       
                                                            
54402 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



I could bore you to tears with the links                    
Of the Arab world's sick highjinks.                         
They lie and they will,                                     
Without mercy, kill;                                        
This Islamic bullshit just stinks.                          
                                                            
54403 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



During the US Gulf War,                                     
King Fahd fell in love with a whore.                        
He gave her a poke                                          
And she gave him a stroke.                                  
Now he reigns his sad kingdom no more.                      
                                                            
54404 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



The Kuwaitis are all without spines;                        
You can tell by their constant loud whines.                 
First they flee and they yelp,                              
Then they beg for our help.                                 
Now they're acting like miserable swines.                   
                                                            
54405 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Arab nations all use the UN                                 
To fuck the U.S. once again.                                
They all act very rude                                      
And eat all our food,                                       
While they make living bombs out of men.                    
                                                            
54406 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Comic opera Moammar Khadaffy,                               
Seems to suffer from pulling his taffy,                     
And while there isn't proof                                 
It will make you a goof,                                    
He is surely one duck who is daffy.                         
                                                            
54407 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      J. Beauregard Pepys P8201



Having scrutinized Colonel Qaddafi,                         
Since his policy moves are so daffy,                        
All our analysts posit                                      
He'd be wise to supposit                                    
Penicillin -- not salt-water taffy.                         
                                                            
54408 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



To hell with you Moammar Khadaffy,                          
You're a braggart and far to show-offy.                     
But our feet we're not draggin',                            
We'll just fix your wagon                                   
By recaffeinating you coffee.                               
                                                            
54409 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Ed Wolfert          P8205



There's no such thing as "Peace For Land".                  
If you try to extend out your hand                          
In peace, you will learn                                    
That deals only will earn                                   
Yet another Arab League demand.                             
                                                            
54410 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Al Jazeera lets madmen on the air,                          
To incite violence with such a flair,                       
They all rant and rave.                                     
What a way to behave.                                       
To show reason, well, how could they dare?                  
                                                            
54411 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



The polls show George Bush losing steam;                    
He will gather up his closest team.                         
When he gets their advice,                                  
He will top playing nice.                                   
Yasser Arafat's ass he will ream.                           
                                                            
54412 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



There once was a Saudi diplomat                             
Whose King was terribly fat.                                
The ambassador's nose                                       
Quite often goes                                            
Where Fahd has most recently shat.                          
                                                            
54413 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



In Arabic, Islam means "Peace",                             
But their terrorists will never cease.                      
If they run out of sons                                     
For their suicide bombs,                                    
Then they's gladly send out a niece.                        
                                                            
54414 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



In the West Bank, camps watch the UN.                       
Let the killers set up shop again.                          
They will turn a blind eye                                  
While civilians die,                                        
From the suicide bombs made of men.                         
                                                            
54415 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



When the oil is dried up and gone,                          
There will be hardtimes for King Fahd's spawn.              
They will sell rugs and sheets                              
On the trash-covered streets,                               
But I won't let them work on my lawn.                       
                                                            
54416 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



There was an old rag-head named Yasser                      
Who picked up the phone for a natter.                       
But no one would chat                                       
With this terrorist prat,                                   
About Israel or any other matter.                           
                                                            
54417 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Lester Haines            



On a culture built on such shame,                           
Gaza will burn like a flame.                                
Punishment for his crime,                                   
Yasser screams one last time;                               
He's struck blind, crippled and lame.                       
                                                            
54418 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Poor Yasser was trapped like a rat,                         
With a napkin that's used as a hat.                         
"I'm too timid to fight.                                    
If this hat were just white,                                
I'd surrender and leave it at that."                        
                                                            
54419 POLITICS - MIDEAST - ARAB      Tomer Shiran             



Today's Mid-East peace, to my eyes,                         
Involves Christian acts in disguise.                        
There the Arab and Jew,                                     
Act like most Christians do,                                
And are killing each other like flies.                      
                                                            
54420 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH      James M. Menger     P9501



In Israel lived a GAUCHE goy,                               
An impulsive and silly brash boy.                           
He courted the rich                                         
With ham products which                                     
Neither Arabs or Jews might enjoy.                          
                                                            
54421 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH      Chris Papa               



He plied them with warm Krispy Kremes,                      
Which though the real stuff of his dreams,                  
Contained much pork lard,                                   
Or such is the canard.                                      
Thus he failed with his ambitious schemes.                  
                                                            
54422 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH      Chris Papa               



When Arafat offered his hand                                
To Rabin, the old firebrand,                                
Yitzhak's anger did linger,                                 
He gave Yasser the finger,                                  
A nonverbal stern reprimand.                                
                                                            
54423 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH      Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



I'll tell what I've heard, so I'll parrot-that,             
Old Moses, he went to Mount Ararat.                         
But the man's spelling flaws                                
Are no doubt the cause                                      
Why Sharon now hates Arafat.                                
                                                            
54424 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH                               



They ignore their own partisan bellows                      
And embrace as each ancient feud mellows.                   
Can we ask if they're gay?                                  
It is truthful to say                                       
That in bed they make very strange fellows.                 
                                                            
54425 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH      Jim Vandermeer      P9402



With Yasser and Rabin side by side,                         
And the knot of peace firmly tied,                          
Now that these two are wed,                                 
When they climb into bed,                                   
I wonder which one plays the bride.                         
                                                            
54426 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH      Jim Menger          P9403



At peace they're no longer bucking,                         
Thorny issues they're no longer ducking.                    
They've cleaned up their act,                               
And made a peace pact.                                      
I wonder which side got the fucking?                        
                                                            
54427 POLITICS - MIDEAST - BOTH      Jim Menger          P9403



There once was a lady centurion                             
Who had an affair with Ben-Gurion.                          
He enjoyed her in peace                                     
For she was from Greece                                     
And 'twas Arabs he spent all his fury on.                   
                                                            
54428 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Isaac Asimov             



A land full of milk and of honey?                           
I guess, Lord, that you think it's funny.                   
That glutinous gel                                          
Will make walking pure hell.                                
How about showers of money?                                 
                                                            
54429 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Tiddy Ogg                



You what?  Ah, at last I construe,                          
The land of the Canaanites, who                             
Believe not in thee,                                        
So it's okay if we                                          
Go blat them till all of them's slew.                       
                                                            
54430 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Tiddy Ogg                



You'll then make us friends with the Yanks,                 
Who'll give us big rockets and tanks.                       
We'll blast Palestinians,                                   
Their Hesbollah minions,                                    
And still not get peace?  Well gee, thanks.                 
                                                            
54431 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Tiddy Ogg                



When Monica spilled the beans on Bill,                      
He dropped bombs to create a new thrill.                    
Now when he gets erections,                                 
Spy satellite detections                                    
Show Turbans, as they head for the hills.                   
                                                            
54432 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Jimi Lee                 



Said a jack-booted Tel Aviv Jew,                            
"I found that my instincts were true.                       
It is great fun to shoot                                    
In the camps near Beruit.                                   
Did you enjoy my Holocause II?"                             
                                                            
54433 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Saaid Haman         P8407



"My hobbies are simple and few --                           
Bombs I hid and grenades that I threw --                    
I struck up real terrors                                    
For West Bank Arab mayors                                   
And beat dead a prisoner or two."                           
                                                            
54434 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Saaid Haman         P8407



The Israelis have pulled off a show stopper;                
Shot him leaving his church, was a whopper.                 
They nailed him right there                                 
In his little wheel chair,                                  
With missles they fired from a chopper.                     
                                                            
54435 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      John Miller              



The subject line might have held clues                      
Suggesting some incorrect views.                            
Since I cannot invest                                       
In a bullet-proof vest,                                     
Now way will I mention the Jews.                            
                                                            
54436 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      John Miller              



Please don't be afraid or don't show it.                    
If you're in some danger, we'll know it.                    
If a Jew takes your life,                                   
With a bomb, gun, or knife,                                 
You should suspect a suicide poet.                          
                                                            
54437 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Ward Hardman             



I saw there tonight on the news,                            
Another "Revenge of the Jews";                              
"Kill that Cripple from Hamas!                              
Make them cry for their Mamas!                              
(How long can they take this abuse?)                        
                                                            
54438 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Ward Hardman             



Jews find this event analgesic;                             
"Thank God the guy's paraplegic!"                           
This may be ignoble                                         
But he's rather immoble;                                    
It's terribly bad luck to be sick."                         
                                                            
54439 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Ward Hardman             



In the toilet of Minister Begin                             
Is the seat of today's famous Fagin.                        
Toilet paper rolls                                          
Bear religious scrolls,                                     
And the face of dear President Reagan.                      
                                                            
54440 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Ferris T. McMilford P8303



The Israelis are God's chosen guys;                         
In business they carry no flies.                            
They're chosen as scabs                                     
To be picked by Arabs,                                      
Sharing land with the Hesbollah spies.                      
                                                            
54441 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Tony Burrell             



The Israelis blood starts to boil                           
'Cause the Arabs have got all the oil.                      
Arabs don't understand;                                     
They offered them sand.                                     
The rest they must find by their toil.                      
                                                            
54442 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Tony Burrell             



The Israelis have plenty of troops;                         
Some say that they even have nukes.                         
But life is real crappy,                                    
When they are not happy,                                    
Which they're certainly not, by the looks.                  
                                                            
54443 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Tony Burrell             



When Yasser arrives on the scene,                           
The old sabra, Yitzhak Rabin                                
Says, "Of bloodshed enough!"                                
Of his fag takes a puff,                                    
And departs to go visit the queen.                          
                                                            
54444 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



Rabin meets with middle-east powers;                        
Hopes U.S. support nerver sours.                            
He said "Peace is mine                                      
If Clinton would sign                                       
His Penthouse with Gennifer Flowers."                       
                                                            
54445 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Like a flood that can come through a dike,                  
Any time, mideast violence may strike.                      
But they all seem so willing                                
With regard to the killing,                                 
To agree in Sharon share alike!                             
                                                            
54446 POLITICS - MIDEAST - JEWS      Limerick Savant          



Honest Abe walked the halls every night,                    
Yet somehow this just didn't seem right.                    
But the Republican Party                                    
Needed donations hearty,                                    
So Indonesians were tucked in tight.                        
                                                            
54447 POLITICS - MONEY               Thomas M. Patton    P9704



The remnants of our ANDOCRACY                               
Are run by rules of hypocrisy.                              
They all preach reform,                                     
Then vote to conform                                        
With the backers of his PACocracy.                          
                                                            
54448 POLITICS - MONEY               J'Carlin                 



Once a sold out candidate would cause in a                  
Popular party grand nausea                                  
From the strong smells                                      
Of the cash from the swells.                                
Pols now have PAC money ANOSMIA.                            
                                                            
54449 POLITICS - MONEY               J'Carlin                 



"Those big booze bills," the senator moaned,                
"For our diplomats can't be condoned,                       
Nor the way that they drink.                                
It's enough, you should think,                              
Merely having our embassies stoned."                        
                                                            
54450 POLITICS - MONEY               A. N. Wilkins       P8403



A euphemistic term called BRAC,                             
Can shutter a base with a whack.                            
If you don't use your head,                                 
Your base will be dead,                                     
And jobs lost will never come back.                         
                                                            
54451 POLITICS - MONEY               The Sailor          P0310



Years ago it was often neccessity                           
For political gain in Quebessity                            
To grease every hand                                        
With a couple of grand                                      
And other such forms of duplessity.                         
                                                            
54452 POLITICS - MONEY               Hugh Oliver           44a



Politicians are all just alike,                             
Every one that comes down the pike --                       
If money talks                                              
And bullshit walks --                                       
Politicians should all take a hike!                         
                                                            
54453 POLITICS - MONEY               Kaylin                   



Politicos try to get "in",                                  
Expecting the votes that will win                           
An office that offers                                       
A chance at the coffers,                                    
To voters' regret and chagrin.                              
                                                            
54454 POLITICS - MONEY               R. J. Winkler       P8411



When the Reds made that little ball spin                    
'Round the Earth, it looked like they'd win.                
So Congress got tough                                       
And spent just enough                                       
That the colleges let us all in.                            
(Duane Steffey)                                             
54455 POLITICS - MONEY               Literary Group           



They pay taxes: demand their fair share                     
Of the goodies, therefore they know where                   
To go to succeed,                                           
Fat cats too in need;                                       
Their solution is corporate welfare.                        
                                                            
54456 POLITICS - MONEY               Loren Fitzhugh      P2006



We thought his old ways he was mending,                     
That Sam had stopped deficit spending.                      
But cutbacks ain't easy;                                    
They make voters queasy.                                    
Now all good intentions he's bending.                       
                                                            
54457 POLITICS - MONEY               M Silverstein       P0304



The call for campaign finance reform,                       
To me seems strangely out of the norm.                      
The loot that was brung                                     
By Johnny Chung,                                            
Puts Democrats in the fire storm!                           
                                                            
54458 POLITICS - MONEY               Puff Adder               



Right now, we're well off, it is true;                      
That's what matters to me and to you.                       
I hope '99                                                  
Will be just as fine,                                       
Despite what the bureaucrats do.                            
                                                            
54459 POLITICS - MONEY               John Miller              



If it's published after '23,                                
For twenty more years, guaranteed --                        
For perfomance or practice                                  
Or Internet access,                                         
You'll have to pay royalty fee.                             
                                                            
54460 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick  02-21-02    



The Bono Act, so criitics claim,                            
Means to keep from the public domain,                       
Mickey Mouse and Great Gatsby,                              
Jake Barnes and Brett Ashley,                               
And other such freshman Lit names.                          
                                                            
54461 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick  02-21-02    



Congress for sure has the right                             
To set the term of copyright;                               
But it has no effect                                        
When your Forster or Brecht's                               
Gone gentle into that good night.                           
                                                            
54462 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick  02-21-02    



So the purpose is not to promote                            
Authors, or artists, or poets;                              
It's just one more crummy                                   
Way to steer money                                          
Into coffers where Congressmen owe it.                      
                                                            
54463 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick  02-21-02    



We've spent several billions so far,                        
And still we have failed in our chore.                      
Our schools are a mess,                                     
But they could be the best                                  
If we just spent a few billion more.                        
                                                            
54464 POLITICS - MONEY               F R Duplantier      P2006



Our country has gone to the dickens,                        
And nothing is left but lean pickin's,                      
Since our leaders inane                                     
Leave the rats to guard grain,                              
And the foxes are guarding the chickens.                    
                                                            
54465 POLITICS - MONEY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2543



We've denuded our forests for dowels,                       
And set off conservationists' yowls.                        
We should put on the brake                                  
But big money's at stake.                                   
Politicians say, "Aw, fuck the owls!"                       
                                                            
54466 POLITICS - MONEY               John K. Roberts     P9303



If I'm so talented and smart,                               
But no one will give me a start,                            
I'll take up the chant                                      
For a NFA grant                                             
To finance my career in fine art.                           
                                                            
54467 POLITICS - MONEY               Anon                     



Paying politicians peanuts and perks,                       
We complain when we get stupid jerks.                       
"You get what you pay for;                                  
Maybe less, seldom more."                                   
That's the way human nature works.                          
                                                            
54468 POLITICS - MONEY               Ed Thelen                



In the years since 1994,                                    
G.O.P. districts get more                                   
Federal spending                                            
And low interest lending;                                   
So much for "small government" lore!                        
                                                            
54469 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick              



The G.O.P. edge in hard money                               
Is so big that it's not even funny.                         
They're fund raising while                                  
The Dems rank and file,                                     
Pretend that their prospects are sunny.                     
                                                            
54470 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick              



Though campaign funding is off the walls                    
I have found what more greatly appalls                      
Me, is the obscene waste                                    
And the hideous taste                                       
Of what are called "Inaugural Balls."                       
                                                            
54471 POLITICS - MONEY               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9612



The poor people offered resistance                          
To things the rich kept with consistence,                   
And for goods they all cried,                               
But the rich just replied,                                  
One thing you can keep, that's your distance.               
                                                            
54472 POLITICS - MONEY               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8609



Please help as he seeks absolution                          
For disgracing a great institution.                         
Give dollars, give cents                                    
For his legal defense.                                      
He'll accept any size contribution.                         
                                                            
54473 POLITICS - MONEY                                        



In my personal status book,                                 
No politician's worth more than a look.                     
Just to be sure,                                            
He doesn't try to cure                                      
Me of my purse, like any other crook.                       
                                                            
54474 POLITICS - MONEY                                        



What with "Voyeur TV" on the wax,                           
Perhaps we could place a stiff tax                          
On swanking and squinching                                  
And limerical wenching,                                     
And most other no-contact acts.                             
                                                            
54475 POLITICS - MONEY                                        



Legislation precise and sublime,                            
Demands close debate, line by line;                         
To heed all new polls                                       
And to craft good loopholes,                                
Takes patience, attention and time.                         
                                                            
54476 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick  03-20-01    



Election year asking for money;                             
If t'wasn't so grubby, 'twould be funny.                    
With MELLIFLUOUS tones,                                     
They man the phones                                         
And the dollars, like words, flow like honey.               
                                                            
54477 POLITICS - MONEY               Norm                     



There have always been chiefs who subscribe                 
To put wampum ahead of the tribe.                           
(Let's not cause a disruption                               
Or mention corruption                                       
Or suggest that this smacks of a bribe.)                    
                                                            
54478 POLITICS - MONEY               John Miller              



Sweet victory for Senator McCain's                          
Reform of the cash for campaigns;                           
But temper elation                                          
With the expectation                                        
That after lawsuits, not much remains.                      
                                                            
54479 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick  03-20-02    



Our national compaign now flies                             
Through morass of MYRIAD lies.                              
The sad truth to tell,                                      
We'll get someone "swell",                                  
That the moneyed interest buys.                             
                                                            
54480 POLITICS - MONEY               Chris Papa               



Conservatives join liberals in grousing                     
About funding vocations and housing.                        
Sinch the National Debt                                     
Makes politicos sweat,                                      
Look for revenue sources by dowsing.                        
                                                            
54481 POLITICS - MONEY               Paul Niquette            



No wonder that many will try                                
To catch the electoral eye,                                 
For, once they're elected,                                  
The loot is collected:                                      
The benefits money can't buy.                               
                                                            
54482 POLITICS - MONEY               R. J. Winkler       P8411



With all of the influence sought,                           
And all of the congressmen bought,                          
What's truly amazing,                                       
Is the indignant phrasing,                                  
Of the others when one gets caught.                         
                                                            
54483 POLITICS - MONEY               MrMalo                   



A young enterpriser named Diggs,                            
Lost all of his cash raising figs.                          
But he balanced the sheet                                   
When he planted no wheat,                                   
And made millions by not raising pigs.                      
                                                            
54484 POLITICS - MONEY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2544



OK...now...here's what I swear,                             
I'll tax you-all till you're bare,                          
Getting rid of this debt                                    
Will increase my net,                                       
Call me paranoid, I don't care.                             
                                                            
54485 POLITICS - MONEY               John Roberts        P9301



An office that's avidly sought                              
By many, is frequently thought                              
To offer big chances                                        
For gaining finances --                                     
Not one that is won but is bought.                          
                                                            
54486 POLITICS - MONEY               R. J. Winkler       P8411



The government of our own nation                            
Is taking a short spring vacation.                          
Now they can ask us                                         
To pro-rate our taxes;                                      
Too bad it's a dream situation.                             
                                                            
54487 POLITICS - MONEY               Tom Patton          P9602



In Washington, those in the know                            
Have a rule to tell quid from the quo.                      
A large corporation                                         
Makes gratis donations,                                     
But humans want favors for dough.                           
                                                            
54488 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick              



Some time back, we were worried as hell                     
That the railways might start to do well.                   
Now that could cost loads                                   
To our friends who build roads,                             
So we sent for Bob Horton from Shell.                       
                                                            
54489 POLITICS - MONEY               Linda Marsh Coll         



The Politicos practice their craft                          
Of extending big government's shaft,                        
To grab every last buck                                     
Till their greed runs amok,                                 
And their reach has exceeded their graft.                   
                                                            
54490 POLITICS - MONEY               William N. Nesbit   P9702



There once were two prosperous states                       
Who squandered at fantastic rates.                          
They spent all of their worth                               
To get rockets off Earth,                                   
And no food did remain on their plates.                     
                                                            
54491 POLITICS - MONEY               Albin Chaplin            



The big bed made for the President                          
Now displays a large sign, "I'm for rent."                  
With pockets deep,                                          
It's one nights sleep                                       
While Abe sleeps on the lawn, in a tent.                    
                                                            
54492 POLITICS - MONEY               Thomas M. Patton    P9704



Much like flies are attracted to honey,                     
Politicians are drawn to soft money;                        
When soft money's banned,                                   
It'll be hard cash in hand,                                 
Taken so quick, it's not even funny.                        
                                                            
54493 POLITICS - MONEY               Dr Limerick  03-27-01    



The person who's been infected                              
With the urge to become elected,                            
Must raise floods of cash,                                  
While his soul becomes hash                                 
And his personal life is dissected.                         
                                                            
54494 POLITICS - MONEY               Patricia N. LimerickP9106



But the truth's something they cannot hide                  
Just because John F. Kennedy died.                          
We know what tax cuts spurred --                            
A resurgence occurred --                                    
And it has worked each time it's been tried.                
(BULLSHIT - Reagan tripled national debt)                   
54495 POLITICS - MONEY                                        



"Ask not what your country can do,"                         
Is an admonishment we should live to.                       
But now the lament                                          
Is to expect Government                                     
To tax others and spend it on you.                          
                                                            
54496 POLITICS - MONEY               Jim Weaver Collection    



We're a capitalist land of rebates,                         
Who encourage competitive traits.                           
This benefits all,                                          
The great and the small,                                    
As is proved by Tobacco and Gates.                          
                                                            
54497 POLITICS - MONEY               John Miller              



It seems folks on welfare don't see                         
The money they spend isn't free.                            
They say "Things are tough!                                 
It just isn't enough!"                                      
Do they know that the cash comes from me?                   
                                                            
54498 POLITICS - MONEY               Jim Weaver Collection    



The big postal boss has opined                              
That for on-time performance combined,                      
They deserve a B rating.                                    
They're used to berating,                                   
Since B usually stands for BEHIND!                          
                                                            
54499 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         A. N. Wilkins       P9105



A wily young fellow namaed Sly,                             
While at the Post Office did spy                            
Wanted: Bank robber!                                        
Thought: I'm an odd jobber;                                 
And inquired where he might apply.                          
                                                            
54500 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Observer                 



Of jobs done by the service, inspectors                     
Report to the postal directors,                             
There is at least one                                       
That's efficiently done--                                   
Selling stamps to the nation's collectors.                  
                                                            
54501 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         A. N. Wilkins       P9105



The world, as we know, is a-shrinking                       
While the Postmaster General's a-dinking;                   
His condoms cost much                                       
And we're all a soft touch;                                 
No wonder the "post's" up, I'm thinking'!                   
                                                            
54502 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Mark Levy           P0312



More redundancies, postmen wail,                            
Consignia's policies fail!                                  
The future is black.                                        
They'll give us the sack,                                   
Alas, not a sack full of mail.                              
                                                            
54503 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Tony Burrell             



They say that the world's getting smaller,                  
But my outgoing mail pile gets taller.                      
The high cost of postage                                    
Is holding it hostage;                                      
It's cheaper to be a phone caller.                          
                                                            
54504 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



When Louie the Louse died in jail,                          
His ashes were shipped in a pail                            
To the wrong place in Kent,                                 
So poor Louie was sent                                      
To the Office for Dead Letter Mail.                         
                                                            
54505 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Albin Chaplin       P9105



Said the Postmaster General, "How trite                     
To suggest that our burdens are light.                      
It entails much travail                                     
To deliver the mail.                                        
There a plague--your dog's poop and his bite."              
                                                            
54506 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         J. H. Vandermeer    P9105



In the Big One, a soldier used V-mail                       
To write to his favorite female;                            
But with zero delay,                                        
His grandson today                                          
Reaches girlfriends galore via e-mail.                      
                                                            
54507 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Norm Storer         P9809



No matter if male or if female,                             
Folks moaned of the slowness of seamail.                    
But no gain's without pain,                                 
Now folks often complain                                    
Of how quickly you get things by E-mail.                    
                                                            
54508 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Prof M-G            T9710



The high price of stamps made one sick,                     
But the Postal Department was quick.                        
New heights they attained                                   
With a stamp which contained                                
A cunt, that was pleasure to lick.                          
                                                            
54509 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0882



They handle our packages sloppily                           
And deliverer our letter improperly.                        
They increase rates at will,                                
And we still pay the bill,                                  
Because no one can touch their monopoly.                    
                                                            
54510 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         A. N. Wilkins       P9105



Could the postal delivery pace                              
Inspire progress? Consider the case                         
Of Federal Express.                                         
What assures its success?                                   
Why are FAXes today commonplace?                            
                                                            
54511 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         A. N. Wilkins       P9105



A friend sent to me through the mail,                       
A cup of my favorite hot ale.                               
"But it's empty," I cried,                                  
Then my mailman replied,                                    
"Well it warmed me through rain, sleet, and hail.           
                                                            
54512 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Gene Fehler         P9302



It comes to my house by the bail,                           
Like the pellets in a storm of hail.                        
I'm about to explode                                        
As I carry each load,                                       
Of this damned unwanted junk mail                           
                                                            
54513 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Puff Adder               



Our forests are facing a squeeze,                           
Producing trash bills such as these.                        
Then recycled are they                                      
To make paper mache,                                        
Wo make wonderful models of trees.                          
                                                            
54514 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young fellow named Midges;                      
His mail that came in was prodigious.                       
But the whole thing was trash                               
So he burned it to ash;                                     
It all came from foundations religious.                     
                                                            
54515 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Albin Chaplin            



On Rural Route 2 lived a vamp                               
Who at getting mail fast was the champ.                     
"To make it come quicker,"                                  
She said with a snicker,                                    
"Lick the postman instead of the stamp!"                    
                                                            
54516 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Don Moore           P9105



Now the mailman just stopped by and drove                   
Away leaving a real treasure trove.                         
With my small pile of kindling                              
In danger of dwindling,                                     
Junk mail serves to light up my stove.                      
                                                            
54517 POLITICS - POST OFFICE                                  



A considerate postman named Drew                            
Helped a postoffice clerk to debut.                         
Said she, "Don't be gentle                                  
For that's detrimental                                      
To helping the mail to get through.                         
                                                            
54518 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Bob Giandomenico    P9105



A plaintive young bugger from Yale                          
Was denied application for bail.                            
Wrapped up in a parcel                                      
He posted his arcel --                                      
It's jail to sent tail by the mail.                         
                                                            
54519 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Hugh Oliver         A131A



For literate clerks on the scene,                           
The mail sorter now is routine.                             
As you've always expected,                                  
Mail is still misdirected,                                  
But now it's all done by machine.                           
                                                            
54520 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         A. N. Wilkins       P9105



When backpacking, lustful Miss Lentz                        
Plays 'pony express' with the gents--                       
Like 'post office' except                                   
One must be more adept                                      
For the horsing around is in tents.  (intense?)             
                                                            
54521 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Bob Giandomenico    P9105



The P.O. calls it 3rd Class Bulk Rate;                      
They like it cause it pays the freight.                     
I feel for the carrier                                      
Who wears out his derrier,                                  
Postal Rage is one result of this weight.                   
                                                            
54522 POLITICS - POST OFFICE                                  



Some stamps just have trouble with sticking.                
Like a bomb that is silently ticking,                       
They'll break themselves free,                              
So Art listen to me,                                        
The bad ones will need a good licking.                      
                                                            
54523 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Bob Birch           P0207



Said the Postmaster General, "Oh, yes.                      
We deliver the mail with finesse.                           
Competition's been nil                                      
Since our friends on the Hill                               
Went and outlawed the Pony Express."                        
                                                            
54524 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Arthur Deex         P9105



One proposal had simply no sale,                            
For it made letter carriers quail                           
And threaten to strike,                                     
When it made sense to Ike                                   
To send out postal paychecks by mail.                       
                                                            
54525 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         A. N. Wilkins       P9105



The world seems to shrink every day.                        
At least, it's appearing that way.                          
How small must it get,                                      
To stop all this shit,                                      
Of increasing postage, we pay.                              
                                                            
54526 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Larry J. Davis      P9311



Said the Postmaster General, "Don't bitch                   
That your letters and checks missed their niche,            
Or that clerks, slow and sour,                              
Are paid forty per hour.                                    
It's the poor who're servile, not the rich."                
                                                            
54527 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         J. H. Vandermeer    P9105



He continued, "Our F-stamp is new                           
And costs twenty-nine cents, it is true.                    
We just can't stay alive                                    
If we charge twenty-five.                                   
And the F? It stands for "Fuck You!"                        
                                                            
54528 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         J. H. Vandermeer    P9105



Said the Postmaster General, "Hurray!                       
I've something important to say.                            
The letter you send                                         
From here to South Bend,                                    
Costs less than a penny a day."                             
                                                            
54529 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Arthur                   



An old fashioned person named Brett                         
Said, "This sonnet my love will me get."                    
Not having E-mail,                                          
He sent it by snail.                                        
Neither letter nor Brett have come yet.                     
                                                            
54530 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Peter Wilkins            



Stamps honor wise men and fools;                            
Some good, and those who break the rules.                   
They merely echo                                            
Our sad need to show                                        
The foibles of all our weird schools.                       
                                                            
54531 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Chris Papa               



For the mailman, a lady named Pickett                       
Dropped her panties, exposing her thicket.                  
Said the mailman, "This box                                 
Can me used to mail cocks,                                  
But the stamps will not stick till I lick it.               
                                                            
54532 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Albin Chaplin   3024-3003



How do Post people in Britain, pray,                        
Find addresses such as "Obscure Bay",                       
Or "Quaint Shambles N.W.",                                  
Or "Lush Bleakside, Loch Ness'                              
Or in Devonshire, "1 Bumbling Way"?                         
                                                            
54533 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



If you're mailing a letter in haste,                        
And you haven't a moment to waste,                          
But you've had a mishap,                                    
For you can't seal the flap,                                
Then by hand you can work up some paste.                    
                                                            
54534 POLITICS - POST OFFICE         Albin Chaplin   3024-1865



Socially Conscious Pornography                              
We've socially conscious biography.                         
Esthetics, and social geography.                            
Today every field                                           
Boasts it Marxian yield,                                    
So now there's class-conscious pornography                  
54535 POLITICS - SOCIALIST           Anon                L0956



Chorus:                                                     
Oh, the worker is nobody's fool,                            
For by rights, he's the man with the tool.                  
His ponderous prick'll                                      
Arise with the sickle,                                      
And bugger the Fascists who rule.                           
54536 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0957



Miss de Vaughan was a maker of panties,                     
For all girls from subdebs to grand-aunties.                
Her very best ad                                            
Was herself, lightly clad                                   
In her three-ninety-five silken scanties.                   
                                                            
54537 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0958



So this wench is a capitalist,                              
She's our villain and ought to be hissed.                   
But she's lush and she's plump,                             
And a glimpse of her rump                                   
Would teach Marx that there's something he's missed.        
                                                            
54538 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0959



Now de Vaughhan had resolved on a lockout,                  
To give Communist Labor the knockout.                       
She said, "Fuck the foul fools."                            
(She'd attended good schools),                              
And took a fresh bottle of Hock out.                        
                                                            
54539 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0960



Joseph Smith was a sturdy Longshoreman,                     
(And an eminent amateur whoreman),                          
Just to be sympathetic                                      
He grew peripatetic,                                        
'Till his picketing irked de Vaughan's doorman.             
                                                            
54540 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0961



For this lout was a scab born and bred,                     
Who fainted when e'er he saw red.                           
In distress he reported,                                    
But she only retorted,                                      
"Run home and hide under your bed."                         
                                                            
54541 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0962



For her plans were peculiar and wicked,                     
As she thought, "He's a man, if a picket."                  
She lured him inside,                                       
And insidiously plied,                                      
The prick of the picket to lick it.                         
                                                            
54542 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0963



Joe's rod was a stiff as a rail,                            
But he couldn't lit principles fail.                        
"You degenerate bitch,                                      
That's a trick of the rich,                                 
But the People prefer honest tail."                         
                                                            
54543 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0964



"You may tickle the cocks and the vanities                  
Of the rich men who purchase your scanities,                
But the proud People's Front                                
Calls for sound hairy cunt.                                 
So its down with de Vaughan's panty-wanities."              
                                                            
54544 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0965



He picked a soft couch in her office,                       
And tore off her pants and ripped off his.                  
Then he showed her the rod                                  
Marks the difference, by God,                               
Between what a man and a toff is.                           
(toff - one of high social status, often used disparagingly)
54545 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0966



Now our Joe was the first proletarian,                      
Who had filled with his sperm the ovarian                   
Recess of de Vaughan,                                       
Which had sheltered the spawn,                              
Of unnumbered Fascists, all Aryan.                          
                                                            
54546 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0967



Next day, his friends said, "You've been soaring.           
You're dead on your feet. Were you whoring?"                
He replied, "Starving masses                                
Mean more than plump asses.                                 
Last night, from within I was boring."                      
                                                            
54547 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0968



And de Vaughan thought her troubles were over,              
Her picket had left (to recover),                           
But he'd furnished her womb                                 
With incipient bloom,                                       
A fact she had yet to discover.                             
                                                            
54548 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0969



So after nine months, to the day,                           
The employer in labor pains lay.                            
As the boy hove in sight,                                   
He yelled, "Workers Unite!"                                 
And the doctors all fainted away.                           
                                                            
54549 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0970



The moral of this is, my child,                             
By rich promises, don't be beguiled.                        
Remember that workers                                       
Are eminent firkers,                                        
And go left, if you must be defiled.                        
                                                            
54550 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               L0971



This government claims job creation,                        
It's aim, but the criminalization                           
Of entrepreneurship                                         
In youngsters, your worship,                                
Is yet one more strange aberration.                         
                                                            
54551 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                                    



Said a Marxist who stood on the pier,                       
"Though you may think my views rather queer,                
I could gambol all day                                      
With the sharks in the bay;                                 
It's the ones in striped trousers I fear."                  
                                                            
54552 POLITICS - SOCIALIST           W. H. G. Price           



A democracy's destined to fail                              
When a leader, who doesn't inhale,                          
Wants to socialize health,                                  
And distribute the wealth;                                  
Proven blueprints for grief and travail.                    
                                                            
54553 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                               P9701



Consistent disciples of Marx                                
Will have to emply special marks                            
If nationalization                                          
Of all copulation                                           
Leads to laisse-faire fucking in parks.                     
                                                            
54554 POLITICS - SOCIALIST           A. Cinna                 



Yelled a communist, "Down with the Pope                     
And all the crowned heads of Europe!                        
Equal rights is our creed,                                  
What more do we need?"                                      
Then somebody shouted out, "Soap".                          
                                                            
54555 POLITICS - SOCIALIST                                    



In Russia a new OGPU gag --                                 
Be careful when spelling GULAG.                             
Two hundred mis-spellers                                    
Are now recent dwellers                                     
In Russia's most northern GHOULAG.                          
(OGPU - ??)                                                 
54556 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Irving Superior     P8911



A white man was known to have said                          
That he'd rather be dead than be red.                       
But an Indian Chief                                         
Heard him with disbelief,                                   
Since he rather be red than be dead.                        
                                                            
54557 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Warrick Elrod            



The Head of all Russias is Yeltsin.                         
To peasants who want someone else in,                       
With Gulags taboo,                                          
Siberia too,                                                
He'd tell them, "Keep pulling your belts in."               
                                                            
54558 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Jim Weaver Collection    



Although Communism is dead,                                 
In Russia the wine is still red.                            
Most "reds" are extinct,                                    
Except of course INK;                                       
And borscht is now pinkish instead.                         
                                                            
54559 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Irving Superior     P9812



Old Castro's mood was quite black                           
When he said, "We've got to fight back."                    
He sent out his order:                                      
Put bugs in the water -                                     
'Tis a Castro-intestinal attack.                            
                                                            
54560 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Neal Wilgus         P8205



There once was a Communist lass,                            
Who made liberal use of her ass.                            
There is no comrade yet                                     
To whom she has said, "Nyet!"--                             
It was fully reported in Tass.                              
                                                            
54561 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE                      G0635



A man, who had lately declared                              
That property ought to be shared.                           
Thought it going too far                                    
When they called for his car,                               
And a list of exceptions prepared.                          
                                                            
54562 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Thomas Thorneley         



Havana was once the hot spot                                
For drinking and gambling, was it not?                      
To send Fidel                                               
Closer to Hell,                                             
Give open trade another shot.                               
                                                            
54563 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  John Miller              



"I wonder where you have been, Fidel?                       
Why is it you haven't been seen, Fidel?                     
That all your Castrology                                    
Is just an apology                                          
For imprisoning all you think infidel?"                     
                                                            
54564 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Jim Weaver Collection    



The Viet Cong beat us, by Christ!                           
At a terrible, terrible price...                            
So we work to keep poor                                     
Little Cuba, nest door,                                     
While Saigon is the one we treat nice.                      
                                                            
54565 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  John Miller              



Dialectic Materialism                                       
Should be called Inferiorism.                               
It will upset your life,                                    
Causing all kinds of strife,                                
Also party inperialism.                                     
                                                            
54566 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Tom Patton          P9812



The ruler of China some think                               
Is a inscrutable Communist fink,                            
Who deserves the name Dung,                                 
But the way his wang's hung                                 
Makes him real good at plugging a Chink.                    
                                                            
54567 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Robin K. Willoughby P8905



The election in Russia is tight--                           
Looks like Yeltsin is in for a fight!                       
But if man number three                                     
Were to answer his plea,                                    
Victory could be in sight.                                  
                                                            
54568 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Youngbeard               



An impetuous thinker, Marx led,                             
While Engels just gave him his head.                        
Though some thought it a sin                                
For Marx to rush in                                         
Where Engles himself feared to tread.                       
                                                            
54569 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  A N Wilkins         P9812



Why on Earth, after all their disputes,                     
Are Fidel and the Pope in cahoots?                          
Aging Castro, I guess,                                      
Has misdeeds to confess,                                    
But is John Paul in need of cheroots?                       
                                                            
54570 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Prof M-G            T9712



There once was a man named Fidel                            
Who wished all capitalists to Hell.                         
The thing that's so funny,                                  
Is how he loved money,                                      
And that has a nice fishy smell.                            
                                                            
54571 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Jim Weaver Collection    



The Cubans are bearing the brunt,                           
Like witches caught afoul of a hunt.                        
The Demos wish Castro                                       
A fuck up the asstro,                                       
Then jam his fine stogies up cunt.                          
                                                            
54572 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE                           



Fidel, even though you're a Red,                            
And I usually discount all you've said,                     
I cannot impeach                                            
Your most recent speech:                                    
You've hit the nail right on the head!                      
                                                            
54573 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE                           



Yep, this time I'd say that Fidel                           
Has summed things up very well.                             
Now U.S. voters                                             
Are like Cuban boaters:                                     
Desperate, but afraid to rebel.                             
                                                            
54574 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE                           



The refugees fled Cuba's shore --                           
To America's coast they did pour.                           
They were happy to leave --                                 
Said Fidel, "Though I grieve,                               
If you want them, we'll fuck and make more."                
                                                            
54575 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Albin Chaplin   3024-3011



Fidel said to James Earl Carter,                            
"You can search high and low in our larder;                 
We're making no germs                                       
That your Yanqui firms                                      
Aren't making much faster and smarter."                     
                                                            
54576 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Dr Limerick  05-13-02    



King George says Fidel's communism                          
Has turned Cuba into a prison.                              
Well that may be so,                                        
But Guantanamo's                                            
Serving authoritarianism.                                   
                                                            
54577 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



Bush yearns for the days of Batista                         
When prosperous Yanqui touristas                            
Hit Havana bars                                             
For rum and cigars,                                         
And hot-blooded prostitutistas.                             
                                                            
54578 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



Again Gorbachev is secure,                                  
In the driver's seat after the stir                         
Of the strange coup which failed.                           
Since the people prevailed,                                 
Though, he's now Boris Yeltsin's chauffeur.                 
                                                            
54579 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  A. N. Wilkins       P9110



Those coup leaders don't use their head.                    
"Let's screw Gorbachev," Yazov said.                        
Those Bolshevik vermin                                      
Should heed Pee-Wee Herman,                                 
Then Yazov would Yankoff instead.                           
                                                            
54580 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  T. Heller           P9110



"My old friends," Gorby said, mid the ruckus,               
"The KGB's trying to fuck us.                               
But have you no fear.                                       
With our Yeltsin so near,                                   
It'll be them who get stuck in the tuchkis."                
                                                            
54581 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  C. J. Scheiner      P9110



Karl Marx was a funny old chap,                             
Who got in a terrible flap.                                 
Though the capitalist scum                                  
Were incredibly dumb,                                       
They were too smart to swallow his crap.                    
                                                            
54582 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Harald S. Green     P8510



In Cuba as everyone knows                                   
The Communist Manifestos                                    
Of Marx still exist                                         
With one added twist --                                     
Karl Marx is now known as Carlos.                           
                                                            
54583 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Irving Superior     P9812



Kruschchev said to Castro, "Fidel,                          
I think you're ungrateful as hell.                          
I go saving your life;                                      
You come screwing my wife;                                  
Now you're after my mistress as well!"                      
                                                            
54584 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Vassar W. Smith     P9304



The Communists hoped to administer                          
A coup de grace crafty and sinister,                        
For the generals know                                       
They could squelch their main foe                           
If they made Lech Walesa prime minister.                    
                                                            
54585 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  A. N. Wilkins       P8908



A young Bolshevik mother of four,                           
Plied her trade on the streets as a whore;                  
A potato or two                                             
Might get her to screw,                                     
But for oranges she'd give you much more.                   
                                                            
54586 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



Cold nights there in Russia are hell,                       
And Natasha was out there as well.                          
These descendants of Stalin,                                
Weren't real good at ballin'                                
And each had a really foul smell.                           
                                                            
54587 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



Another young miss with blond hair,                         
Stripped naked right there in Red Square.                   
'Twas a sight for sore eyes,                                
But with free enterprise,                                   
She'll charge you to stand there and stare.                 
                                                            
54588 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



Katrina, a young Russian maid                               
In the Kremlin was frequently laid.                         
But she would have looked better,                           
In that moth-eaten sweater,                                 
Were it not for the pounds that she weighed.                
                                                            
54589 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



Seems their life in old Russia was rough,                   
But these communist women were tough.                       
For a piece of stale bread,                                 
They would give you some head,                              
But they still couldn't earn quite enough.                  
                                                            
54590 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



They learned that American women                            
Had time to play golf and go swimmin'.                      
They could work if they chose,                              
Wear high heels and sheer hose,                             
But in Russia all hope kept on dimmin'.                     
                                                            
54591 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



A meeting was held out of sight;                            
KGB knew nothing that night.                                
And those four Russian gals,                                
With support from their pals,                               
Decided to put up a fight.                                  
                                                            
54592 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



They conspired with the capitalist Ronald,                  
In the phone book he's under McDonald.                      
Now they're resting their thighs,                           
Serving up cokes and fries,                                 
And it's hamburger meat that they've fondled.               
                                                            
54593 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



The system began to go sour;                                
Commie leaders lost most of their power,                    
'Cause four Russian lasses,                                 
Had worn out their asses,                                   
And chose to get paid by the hour.                          
                                                            
54594 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



Do you think that this history's true?                      
That the facts I just never would skew?                     
For all those who replied,                                  
"I believe you've not lied,"                                
There's a bridge I would love to sell you!                  
                                                            
54595 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Bob Birch           P9812



In a Bolshevik bar underground                              
Where the Communist comrades were found,                    
Drinking vodka from mugs,                                   
Came the shout, "Give us jugs                               
Of those Molotov Cocktails all round!"                      
                                                            
54596 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Peter Wilkins            



For some fifty years we bore                                
The brunt of a long cold war;                               
Thinking we'd be dead                                       
At the hands of the reds,                                   
But now Communism is no more.                               
                                                            
54597 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Puff Adder               



Don't tell that to Cuba or China;                           
They still think that their way is finer.                   
But it isn't an "ism",                                      
It's a religious schism                                     
That threatens the world with angina.                       
                                                            
54598 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  John                     



North Korea has her fierce head                             
As her neighbors and foes shake with dread.                 
If we remain blind                                          
To what's on her mind,                                      
It's not hard to guess what lies ahead.                     
                                                            
54599 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Jim Weaver Collection    



If paranoids manage to banish                               
Their fears of Communist Spanish                            
And put at ease                                             
The pink Portuguese,                                        
Their problems with Cuba might vanish!                      
                                                            
54600 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  C. O. Ingamelis     P8411



Why do they call communists red?                            
Why not yellow or just blue instead?                        
The commies spill blood                                     
In an endless flood;                                        
The earth's wet where people have bled.                     
                                                            
54601 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Tom Patton          P9812



There was a great Marxist called Lenin,                     
Who did two or three million men in;                        
That's a lot to have done in,                               
But where he did one in,                                    
The great Marxist Stalin did ten in.                        
                                                            
54602 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Ted Pauker               



A canny old codger at Yalta                                 
Sent two statesmen back home and at Malta,                  
They talked quite a spell,                                  
And then they said, "Hell,                                  
He's been just like the Rock Of Gibraltar".                 
                                                            
54603 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE                      P8202



An ugly Bolshevik, Tommy                                    
Was know in the town as a commie.                           
He would call you "Comrade"                                 
Which wasn't so bad,                                        
It was all that he knew of bonhommie.                       
                                                            
54604 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Tom Patton          P9812



When your capitalist boss takes his toll,                   
You're a prole up the pole on the dole;                     
Unite with your pal,                                        
For Das Capital,                                            
And then we'll have workers' control.                       
                                                            
54605 POLITICS - SOCIALIST - COMMIE  Dominic Fitzpatrick      



A pol voiced his dissatisfaction--                          
"Brother love should be more that abstraction.              
Choice of mate is suspended                                 
Till all race is ended,                                     
With my plan called "A Spermative Action."                  
                                                            
54606 POLITICS - THEORY              John Sandler        P9110



Said the Pres of a few corporations,                        
"Hiring based on race 'qualifications'                      
Brought declines in our service,                            
Which cause me to be nervous,                               
But at least it's good public relations."                   
                                                            
54607 POLITICS - THEORY              John Sandler        P9110



We ban ageism so cruel and cold.                            
It's not done and is not even told.                         
But with nice circumspection,                               
There's a minor exception:                                  
These rights don't apply to the old.                        
                                                            
54608 POLITICS - THEORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Alan Greenspan met Congress to herald                       
The economy's lack of great peril,                          
Saying smoothly, "It toils.                                 
A machine that's well oiled."                               
Well it should, at twelve bucks a barrel!                   
                                                            
54609 POLITICS - THEORY              Knotweed                 



Grandiloquent orators say,                                  
With tongues in their cheeks hid away,                      
That all men are born equal,                                
While ignoring the sequel,                                  
That disparity starts the first day.                        
                                                            
54610 POLITICS - THEORY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2779



In politics never admit                                     
In college you "potted" a bit.                              
'Cause if they find out,                                    
From the tree tops they'll shout                            
And in whispers "...and never did quit."                    
                                                            
54611 POLITICS - THEORY              Irving Superior     P9110



We've been parboiled in sociology                           
And subjected to loads of psychology.                       
They only mislead.                                          
What we really need                                         
Is auto-epistemology.                                       
                                                            
54612 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



The government's ups and its downs                          
Induce laughs; produce smiles; provokes frowns;             
And proves what I've guessed--                              
When shut down, it works best!                              
Where's the government? Bring on the clowns!                
                                                            
54613 POLITICS - THEORY              William N. Nesbit   P9602



With no party backing a statesman,                          
It appears that no one in the States can                    
Be running the show ...                                     
I wouldn't be slow                                          
To suspect that it's really Bill Gates, man!                
                                                            
54614 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Though Mao and the Marxists all fell,                       
Only time and long history will tell                        
Through a retrospcet prism,                                 
If Capitalism                                               
Is way of life that's doomed as well.                       
                                                            
54615 POLITICS - THEORY              Chris Papa               



Capitalism won't fail                                       
'Cause beside it, alternatives pale.                        
BAMBOOZLERS will be jailed                                  
When evil schemes failed,                                   
And we'll live to tell another tale.                        
                                                            
54616 POLITICS - THEORY              Norm Brust               



Excuse me for sounding abrupt,                              
But the country is bound to erupt                           
When there is no corrective                                 
From our system elective,                                   
And the press is completely corrupt.                        
                                                            
54617 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Let's not get too deep into thought                         
'Cause the answers I surely ain't got.                      
Let's keep things real light                                
As into the night,                                          
We praise that much worse it is not.                        
                                                            
54618 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Once I fretted when leaders would fail                      
To show courage and morals less frail.                      
Now I'll laugh on the day                                   
That the Pope says he's gay                                 
And the Prez issues vetoes from jail.                       
                                                            
54619 POLITICS - THEORY              John Miller 0033b        



We're a tolerant nation of brothers,                        
Who love apple pie and our mothers.                         
We're allowed to keep guns,                                 
Make outrageous puns,                                       
And export all our vices to others.                         
                                                            
54620 POLITICS - THEORY              John Miller              



It's always a hell of a fight                               
To get them to do what is right.                            
If they never feel heat                                     
From a fire at their feet,                                  
They have trouble just seeing the light.                    
                                                            
54621 POLITICS - THEORY              DC Dave                  



On some of our leasers a hex                                
Is caused by obsession with sex.                            
But the leaders' downfall                                   
Isn't caused by their call;                                 
It is caused by the muscle they flex.                       
                                                            
54622 POLITICS - THEORY              Shelby Forrest           



The leaders we've had, make us blush.                       
To replace them, our choices aren't lush.                   
So give it a yank,                                          
Right there by the tank,                                    
For the nation, remember to flush.                          
                                                            
54623 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Since the days of our President Grover,                     
Ideas of friendship changed over.                           
Now if you want a friend                                    
All the way to the end,                                     
Try electing my schnauzer named Rover.                      
                                                            
54624 POLITICS - THEORY              Tom Patton               



In Washington life is quite cruel,                          
Finding ways to make you out the fool.                      
If you're on the mend                                       
And you need a friend,                                      
Find the kind that will bark and will drool.                
                                                            
54625 POLITICS - THEORY              Tom Patton               



Yes, the concept's attractive, but I've                     
Heard that presidents must be alive.                        
So read Article II,                                         
And consider that few                                       
Dogs will live to be age thirty five.                       
                                                            
54626 POLITICS - THEORY              William N Nesbit         



Absolute freedom of speech                                  
Is something that's quite hard to reach.                    
For example it may                                          
Protect those who would say                                 
We should not honor it just in the breach!                  
                                                            
54627 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Says a sage, but insolvent, Pembroker:                      
In politics, same as in poker,                              
You can deal them again,                                    
But your hand's still the same,                             
When you're shuffling a deck full of jokers.                
                                                            
54628 POLITICS - THEORY              Knotweed                 



One last point 'fore splittin' the scene:                   
The ammo folks give us is keen!                             
Limericks and politics                                      
And other base schticks,                                    
Are much better played when obscene.                        
                                                            
54629 POLITICS - THEORY              Irish                    



Now we're well off, it is true;                             
That's what matters to me and to you.                       
I hope '98                                                  
Will be just as great,                                      
Despite what the bureaucrats do.                            
                                                            
54630 POLITICS - THEORY              John Miller              



We are destined to lead and not trample;                    
The proof in our history is ample.                          
You can be sure                                             
Our leadership pure,                                        
Is only one shining example.                                
                                                            
54631 POLITICS - THEORY              John Miller              



Politicians are cyclic, I've found;                         
"Predecessors were liars!", they pound.                     
But once they get in,                                       
They too, start to spin.                                    
What goes 'round, comes 'round and 'round.                  
                                                            
54632 POLITICS - THEORY              Tony Burrell             



How he cried when he lost the election.                     
In the ranks, there were lots of defection.                 
But this wasn't bad,                                        
Or explicitly sad,                                          
As the day when he lost an erection!                        
                                                            
54633 POLITICS - THEORY              Al Willis           P9611



Way back in the seventies, when                             
We fought with both bodies and pen                          
To change the whole world;                                  
Now banners are furled,                                     
We've lost the good fight once again!                       
                                                            
54634 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Then when the flower was power,                             
We thought it was best not to cower.                        
Chicago a shock,                                            
In Oz we did flock,                                         
And our pigs, the boom they did lower.                      
                                                            
54635 POLITICS - THEORY              Archie                   



A quarter of a century on,                                  
Where has that reforming zeal gone?                         
My fellow protesters                                        
Now claim to be besters;                                    
Once elected they started to drone.                         
                                                            
54636 POLITICS - THEORY              Archie                   



You may wish to check your history,                         
Edison invented electricity.                                
And Americas' lot                                           
Is a great melting pot;                                     
So all are related, you see.                                
                                                            
54637 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



These days countries are not deemed radical                 
Who eschew a rule autocratical.                             
Governing bodies                                            
Who rule in two parties                                     
Must sent their monarchs on sabbatical.                     
                                                            
54638 POLITICS - THEORY              Gary Hallock             



The political job is to HOODWINK                            
The voters, who, one would think,                           
Could see throught the ads                                  
To the money in scads,                                      
Buying access to policy links.                              
                                                            
54639 POLITICS - THEORY              Chris Papa               



Every four years political brahmas                          
Rerun all thos old melodramas,                              
So that folks on the scene                                  
Will know what they mean                                    
When they call this a nation of promise.                    
                                                            
54640 POLITICS - THEORY              A. N. Wilkins       P8811



Politicians tend to be pesty,                               
Making bountiful lies that are zesty.                       
But you'll never hear said                                  
To the day that you're dead:                                
"Dixeras itaque fecesti."                                   
                                                            
54641 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



We had it right there in our hands;                         
The chance to make all our amends.                          
But most have sold out                                      
They've now got the clout                                   
And thats where our ideal all ends!                         
                                                            
54642 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Their days of fine wine and sweet roses                     
Were blasted for some with firehoses.                       
Now the torch has been dropped,                             
The vigor's been swapped,                                   
For ease as our youth smugly dozes.                         
                                                            
54643 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



Let's put aside Mony Lewinsky                               
And Theodore "Mail's Here" Kaczinsky;                       
Leave Diana to rest,                                        
Place your hand on your breast                              
And swear not to be a buttinsky.                            
                                                            
54644 POLITICS - THEORY              Steevo                   



L.B.J. said, "It only makes sense                           
To work a good scam or pretense                             
For all that it yields.                                     
You can't fertilize fields                                  
By just farting outside of the fence."                      
                                                            
54645 POLITICS - THEORY              A. N. Wilkins       P9106



Great love is the law that Jesus taught.                    
Enlightenment was what Buddha sought.                       
When politicians read a holy book,                          
This is the advice for which they look:                     
How to sin publicly and not get caught.                     
                                                            
54646 POLITICS - THEORY              Lynn Mostafa             



Politicians, it seems, always knock                         
The things that make us all rock;                           
Like sex, drugs and fights,                                 
And greed and long nights,                                  
The very nature of the flock.                               
                                                            
54647 POLITICS - THEORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



I swear when I'm Commander-in-Chief                         
I'll listen to all gay GI beef.                             
All my military knowledge                                   
Gained at that English college                              
Tells me it'll cause no real grief.                         
                                                            
54648 POLITICS - THEORY              Harry Rubin         P9301



I'll swear by the All Mightly                               
Not to lift Gennifer's nighty                               
And lose weight                                             
When I abate                                                
My consumption at dinner plus high tea.                     
                                                            
54649 POLITICS - THEORY              Harry Rubin         P9301



I do solemnly swear to bestow                               
Rights for fags in the service to show                      
We have no prejudice,                                       
And in keeping with this,                                   
A rear admiral will be CNO.                                 
(CNO - chief of naval operations)                           
54650 POLITICS - THEORY              Don Moore           P9301



The Wife of the President's oath:                           
(Although Women libbers may loath)                          
To smile all the time                                       
While knowing that I'm                                      
In charge of Bill's penile growth.                          
                                                            
54651 POLITICS - THEORY              Irving Superior     P9301



The President: "Although I swore                            
A lot of things, that was before                            
I was elected.                                              
Now as expected,                                            
My objective is now four years more."                       
                                                            
54652 POLITICS - THEORY              Irving Superior     P9301



The United States Constitution                              
Owed a good deal to his contribution;                       
This came as a shock                                        
In Heaven to Locke,                                         
And he offered to make restitution.                         
                                                            
54653 POLITICS - THEORY              Peter Alexander          



Providing many things, OMNIBUS,                             
Like shot expelled from a blunderbuss,                      
May strike many people                                      
Like chimes from the steeple,                               
But most see only de minimus.                               
                                                            
54654 POLITICS - THEORY              Daniel Ford              



We love our great union, by God,                            
Though it sometimes engages in fraud.                       
It may lie, it may cheat,                                   
It may practice deceit --                                   
But it never does anything odd.                             
                                                            
54655 POLITICS - THEORY              Neal Wilgus         P8608



Of our patriots, one will remain                            
To the likes of George III, a sore bane.                    
While from his "Common Sense"                               
Tom sought no recompense,                                   
He to George was intractable Paine.                         
                                                            
54656 POLITICS - THEORY              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9612



For environment spare no expense,                           
And for sure give the poor recompense.                      
As we strive for the good,                                  
It is well understood,                                      
We have patronage jobs to dispense.                         
                                                            
54657 POLITICS - THEORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



The politicos, ours, yours, or theirs;                      
Spouting promises, hawking their wares,                     
From a highly tiered set.                                   
Makes me wonder? You bet.                                   
"There a DORK AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS."                    
                                                            
54658 POLITICS - THEORY              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9610



Since its self-esteem tie isn't fabled,                     
It's important how people are labeled.                      
So today one whose blind,                                   
Deaf, and out of his mind,                                  
Is referred to as "differently abled."                      
                                                            
54659 POLITICS - THEORY              John Sandler        P9110



I favor PC but God damn!                                    
I really can't change what I am.                            
I like laughs, not the humdrum,                             
So it's quite a conundrum,                                  
Like that Jewish dilemma: free ham.                         
(PC - politically correct)                                  
54660 POLITICS - THEORY              Don Moore           P9110



A scientist bold has averred,                               
After he and his cohorts conferred;                         
Politicians en mass                                         
Get their start through the ass,                            
And are born as a twelve-inch long turd.                    
                                                            
54661 POLITICS - THEORY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1933



This democracy's a big sham.                                
The winner is simply a ham.                                 
For you know what I mean;                                   
Whatever they seem,                                         
Who wins?  Another Politician!                              
                                                            
54662 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



To protestors I offer this plea:                            
Though the Bill of Rights says you are free,                
Should your legs leave your torso                           
Via swift iron horse, oh                                    
Please don't come running to me.                            
(protestors should not lay down in front of trains)         
54663 POLITICS - THEORY              Martin Wellborn     P8709



I suppose I could go on all day;                            
But I'll cut it off here just to say                        
I think life is GREAT!                                      
So let's celebrate                                          
This FUCKED-UP AMERICAN WAY!                                
                                                            
54664 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



In politics never admit                                     
You fondled and un-wifly teat.                              
Because if you do,                                          
"The public he'll screw"                                    
And all kinds of negative shit.                             
                                                            
54665 POLITICS - THEORY              Irving Superior     P9110



In Congress they make a great show                          
That principles make them all go.                           
But we all know better,                                     
What moves each go getter                                   
Is principle of QUID PRO QUO.                               
                                                            
54666 POLITICS - THEORY              Chris Papa               



Blacks want in the White ivory tower.                       
Whites see only Black angry glower.                         
The foundational base,                                      
On the issue of race,                                       
Is money, which brings with it power.                       
                                                            
54667 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



As the Clinton-Gore camp slowly fudges                      
The vote, here is one of my grudges:                        
As Democracy falls,                                         
What IS it one calls                                        
A nation whose rule is by judges?                           
                                                            
54668 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



By nobles, it's called aristocracy,                         
By women (my fave), gynecocracy.                            
By clerks, a bureaucracy;                                   
The church, a theocracy;                                    
So I'm guessing we say usurpocracy.                         
                                                            
54669 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



I don't have the slightest desire                           
To sing in a political choir,                               
Where guilt is assumed,                                     
No innocence tuned,                                         
And the score is by hot tongues of fire.                    
                                                            
54670 POLITICS - THEORY              KJR                      



We don't allow discrimination                               
Based on sexual orientation.                                
Whether I've got the hots                                   
For Pearl Buck or Don Knotts,                               
I'm safe from a permanent vacation.                         
                                                            
54671 POLITICS - THEORY              Paul Isaacs              



"For the greatest respect I am fated.                       
I'm a son of the South," he stated.                         
"I'm thoroughly white                                       
And sexually right,                                         
So by no one can I be hated."                               
                                                            
54672 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



A big-hearted liberal named Stan;                           
With passion, he made a big plan.                           
"If you knew what I knew,                                   
You'd think like I do.                                      
State schools are essential, my man."                       
                                                            
54673 POLITICS - THEORY              M Hale                   



Gay activists, using some tricks,                           
Have Bush in a melancholy fix.                              
They're out, it is plain,                                   
To oppose his campaign--                                    
Strange bedfellows make politics!                           
                                                            
54674 POLITICS - THEORY              Norm Storer         P9208



I am proud of this grand USA                                
The greatest of nations today                               
All other folks cower                                       
'Fore this great superpower;                                
We're on top and I like it that way!                        
                                                            
54675 POLITICS - THEORY              John Miller              



It's OK to go after the president,                          
'Cause we know he just can't be all innocent.               
But when you point out                                      
Your congressional clout                                    
Is a crook, he says "Yeah, but that's different!"           
                                                            
54676 POLITICS - THEORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



My advice, just forget that it's fun                        
To think that you could be the one                          
That this country needs                                     
To do its misdeeds,                                         
And then change your plans and don't run.                   
(sounds like Perot - McW)                                   
54677 POLITICS - THEORY              Al Willis           T9710



Politicians and cats have been sung                         
To be similar creatures among                               
Assassins who creep                                         
After prey; while they keep                                 
The derriere clean with their tongue.                       
                                                            
54678 POLITICS - THEORY              John Miller              



Said Aesop: "The wren is the king                           
Of the birds," as the wee thing did cling                   
To the head of an eagle,                                    
Then soared like an seagull,                                
In the height contest, which he thus wins.                  
                                                            
54679 POLITICS - THEORY              Tiddy Ogg                



The moral, of course, of this tale,                         
Is go-getters never will fail,                              
If they use the power                                       
Of others, then tower                                       
Above those behind in their trail.                          
                                                            
54680 POLITICS - THEORY              Tiddy Ogg                



That fable of old was the precedence,                       
For those on thrones who've taken residence.                
And that's been the way                                     
From then to this day,                                      
With ministers, monarchs, and presidents.                   
                                                            
54681 POLITICS - THEORY              Tiddy Ogg                



In politics, normally hectic,                               
It's hard to be wisely eclectic.                            
So when pressed for opinions,                               
Representative minions                                      
Will lapse into vague dialectic.                            
                                                            
54682 POLITICS - THEORY              Henry Somers        P9302



An engineer lacking precision                               
Would quickly be met with derision,                         
But political schemes                                       
Fall apart at the seams,                                    
And supporters still rave about "vision."                   
                                                            
54683 POLITICS - THEORY              Nick D Kim               



Forget, my dear Sean, your debate...                        
Learn to spell, the forensics can wait.                     
So while waiting for Mum                                    
To wipe your small bum,                                     
Your primer re-read 'fore too late!                         
                                                            
54684 POLITICS - THEORY                                       



If our forefathers saw us today,                            
I'm pretty sure what they would say:                        
"Hey all you masses,                                        
Get up off your asses,                                      
And get busy or be on your way!"                            
                                                            
54685 POLITICS - THEORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Political men with verbosity,                               
Propound their beliefs with pomposity.                      
The mendacities shout                                       
And throw shadows of doubt                                  
On such matters as need luminosity.                         
                                                            
54686 POLITICS - THEORY              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8511



I've been to southeastern VA -                              
But it's been more than 5 years and a day.                  
Are the summers still hot                                   
And the winters still not?                                  
And do the Democrats still hold sway?                       
                                                            
54687 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



A woman named Coulter cried "Treason."                      
She did it without any reason.                              
Though we know that she lied,                               
'Twas perhaps justified:                                    
On her brain, I'm afraid, there's a lesion.                 
                                                            
54688 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Al Franken               



That old goat Teddy isn't "all there."                      
Does he show horse sense?  If so it's rare.                 
Jeffords' a horse's petoot,                                 
And stubborn to boot;                                       
Governor Davis is the old Gray mare.                        
                                                            
54689 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



Abroad in the country, a schism                             
About the presidential jism:                                
If indeed she did screw him,                                
Or perhaps merely blew him,                                 
'Twould advance Republican-ism.                             
                                                            
54690 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Steevo                   



The Republicans want to ban sex,                            
While the Demos would levy a tax;                           
By the Commies' designs,                                    
We would stand in long lines,                               
With our ration cards hung 'round our necks!                
                                                            
54691 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Allen Wolverton          



But those Commies have reason to factor                     
That sex rationed should be our transactor.                 
They will not put a stop                                    
To the toil of their crop,                                  
And make Helga climb down from her tractor.                 
                                                            
54692 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



Now an old Dixie boy ought to know,                         
That a tractor's a good way to go;                          
So ride off with that Russkie;                              
To the woods where it's dusky;                              
And she'll call out: "Bolshoy spacibo!"                     
                                                            
54693 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



Bill was the conservative kind;                             
To progress he was a bit blind.                             
"Old values are best;                                       
They've passed the time test.                               
I now need a scotch to unwind."                             
                                                            
54694 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    M Hale                   



The Democrats, so I've discerned it,                        
Want my money the minute I've earned it,                    
So they can then play                                       
And then piss it away.                                      
We'd all be better off if I burned it.                      
                                                            
54695 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Chris Clark              



Max Sandlin is my Congress Critter;                         
This fact leaves me saddened and bitter.                    
Because he espouses                                         
That worst of all louses,                                   
Whom Boots should disdain as cat litter.                    
                                                            
54696 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



Whoever the Democrats pick,                                 
(Even Ted Kennedy's prick)                                  
They are sure to win.                                       
Like the rest of his kin,                                   
This Bush is quite easy to lick.                            
                                                            
54697 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Phil T                   



That the Dems must be pulled to the left,                   
Of ideas they are almost bereft.                            
These statements ring true                                  
Though they do make me blue;                                
They carry some serious heft.                               
                                                            
54698 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    D V Davins               



But to say that Bush is no worse;                           
The same monies will Congress disburse:                     
Now you've gone beyond logic                                
And become demagogic.                                       
You're making me learn how to curse.                        
                                                            
54699 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    D V Daven                



Some Republicans up on the Hill,                            
Politically enjoy "the kill."                               
But there's dozens, and more,                               
Who just can't stand the Gore;                              
Even Demos won't pick up the Bill.                          
                                                            
54700 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



The GOP of the Lone Star State                              
Says non-Christians are all apostates;                      
These zealots on a mission                                  
To purge all non-Christians,                                
Can only their party devastate.                             
                                                            
54701 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Dr Limerick              



Speakers on the conservative side                           
Love to use those put-downs so snide!                       
But after some sneering attack                              
Someone dare call THEM back;                                
How thin is the far-right-wing hide.                        
                                                            
54702 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Katherine Crosby         



Grandiloquent Old Politicians,                              
Gainsaying Outmoded Positions,                              
Grill Oral Provider,                                        
Get Ousted, Presider!                                       
Four new GOP definitions.                                   
                                                            
54703 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Prof M-G                 



Deep in GOP DNA                                             
Is a gene hating truth and fair play.                       
This means of election's                                    
Darwinian selection --                                      
Fighting fair, they just get blown away.                    
                                                            
54704 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Dr Limerick  05-25-02    



A thought here that just makes me sick:                     
The GOP won't let loose of Bill's dick.                     
To the chagrin of the nation,                               
It's their major fixation,                                  
And it shows that they are very thick.                      
                                                            
54705 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    CSW                      



What GOP does really plan                                   
Is pay the rich and screw the poor man.                     
Surplus goes to the rich,                                   
This is Bush's pitch,                                       
His party will do what it can.                              
                                                            
54706 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Larry                    



If the GOP fields Mr. Quayle,                               
Then their efforts, I feel doomed to fail.                  
They should do like the Dems,                               
Whose success largely stems                                 
From keeping their guys out of jail.                        
                                                            
54707 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    John Miller              



We can name three discontent breeders                       
Whom we might just call bottom feeders.                     
Daschle and Kennedy                                         
And Pelosi make three                                       
Who are obstructionist leaders.                             
                                                            
54708 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Al Bienstock             



On Iraq, they're as bad as the French.                      
To obstructionist tactics they clench.                      
But of course, they were for                                
A Bill Clinton led war --                                   
From these three leaders, there is a stench.                
                                                            
54709 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Al Bienstock             



So swift is the world in its flight,                        
Our politics shift in the night.                            
If your wish is to enter                                    
And stay in the center,                                     
You're sure to be left on the right.                        
                                                            
54710 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Laurence Perrine    P8411



Tho voters may think they've no sense;                      
At least they dont sit on the fence.                        
The right and the left                                      
With words are so deft,                                     
We often forget they are dense!                             
                                                            
54711 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



Oh the Lib-Dems are searching the land for                  
The breakthrough they've long hoped and planned for,        
But what gets in their way                                  
Is that not even they                                       
Have the slightest idea what they stand for.                
                                                            
54712 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Linda Marsh Coll         



U.S. histories are surely in luck;                          
Up to now, mostly Democrats fuck up.                        
JFK, Hart, and Clinton,                                     
Have dropped us a hint on                                   
What liberal 'members' get stuck up.                        
                                                            
54713 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Stargazer                



Unitarian J Wentworth Dean,                                 
Is as strange a man as ever seen.                           
An octogenarian,                                            
Relapsed Libertarian,                                       
Who'd prefer being a Libertine.                             
                                                            
54714 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



Republicans, it seems, always knock                         
Democrats using their cocks.                                
Those greedy old Puritans                                   
Can't stand to hear of some                                 
`ction they can't stall or block.                           
                                                            
54715 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Blowcephus         TP9802



Once a mayor, he's now in disgrace --                       
The Machine failed to give him first place.                 
His defeat by a dame                                        
Caused such feelings of shame,                              
That a cunt he no longer can face.                          
                                                            
54716 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Albin Chaplin   3024-2021



The damage was more than first feared --                    
His head may not ever be cleared.                           
Just consider his plight,                                   
Now he shrinks with great fright                            
When he faces a man with a beard.                           
                                                            
54717 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Albin Chaplin   3024-2022



They claim not to listen to polls,                          
Only to Quayle and the Doles.                               
This does indeed show                                       
What I already know:                                        
Republicans are major assholes.                             
                                                            
54718 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Jennifer M               



With those psychos now hogging our news--                   
Energizing our ACLU's--                                     
I say, "Round 'em up, Newt 'em,                             
Take them out and shoot 'em!                                
I'm abandoning liberal views!"                              
                                                            
54719 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    CB                       



The Constitution I have read;                               
If it dies, our country is dead.                            
To all it does apply,                                       
For politicians lie                                         
And Democrats are what I dread.                             
                                                            
54720 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Kaylin                   



If Willy your passion arouses,                              
And if you like the cause he espouses,                      
Please know that I think                                    
All our politicos stink;                                    
A pox on both of their houses!                              
                                                            
54721 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Chris Papa               



I grew up in a free country                                 
Where all had a right to be                                 
Confident that                                              
No Republican rat                                           
Would invade our own privacy.                               
                                                            
54722 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Dave                     



Self-righteous pathways are mapped,                         
And in religiosity wrapped;                                 
The GOP                                                     
Protects you and me,                                        
From niggers and beggars and Japs.                          
                                                            
54723 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Jim Weaver Collection    



A Republican, out in his motor,                             
Ran over a Socialist voter.                                 
"Thank goodness," he cried,                                 
"He was on the wrong side --                                
So I don't blame myself one iota."                          
                                                            
54724 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Clement Wood        P2006



The Reform Party is a strange zoo,                          
Even Jesse Ventura withdrew.                                
Yet, David Duke and Perot,                                  
And Buchanan -- weirdo,                                     
Will soon shit up the nest of the Cuckoo.                   
                                                            
54725 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



Our Dougie's a well trained young pup                       
He's true to the GOP and its gup                            
He thinks that the Bushes                                   
Are better than tushes,                                     
And never has time for a tup.                               
                                                            
54726 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Archie                   



There are those of a far rightward breed                    
Who suffer from radical greed.                              
Among history's sinners,                                    
They only see winners,                                      
And would claim all that others might need.                 
                                                            
54727 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



A partisan lady named Roarch                                
For G.O.P. carried the torch.                               
She stopped at the flat                                     
Of an old Democrat,                                         
And was fucked 'fore she got off his porch.                 
                                                            
54728 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Albin Chaplin   3024-2266



Whenever those right-wing whores pass                       
Subsidies for ethanol gas,                                  
More campaign cash for them                                 
From good old ADM;  (Archer Daniels Midland, large granary) 
The taxpayer gets one up the ass.                           
                                                            
54729 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    MrMalo                   



The tax-cut hue and cry never ends;                         
They add tax cuts to bills as addends;                      
But a review of the datum                                   
Shows the only tax stratum                                  
To get cut is their rich fucking friends.                   
                                                            
54730 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    MrMalo                   



Your money has been subsidizing                             
Big Business to keep the stocks rising.                     
The GOP scum                                                
Have one way up your bum;                                   
Now your posts are all propagandizing.                      
                                                            
54731 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    MrMalo                   



Those whining hypocritical shits                            
Have been sucking on Uncle Sam's tits.                      
But give bucks to me                                        
And the burgeoise                                           
Start in with their tax and spend fits.                     
                                                            
54732 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    MrMalo                   



"We must stop Clinton's criminal cock!"                     
But when Newt took a bribe from Murdoch,                    
"Oh an ethical lapse";                                      
And you rank and file saps                                  
Fall right into line with that schlock.                     
                                                            
54733 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    MrMalo                   



Hypocritical fuddy-duddies;                                 
Those GOP tax and spend cruddies;                           
They blame and they scoff                                   
As they roll in the trough,                                 
Handing out public funds to their buddies.                  
                                                            
54734 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    MrMalo                   



Politicians are a slimy breed;                              
They live their lives based on greed.                       
They fuck over the poor,                                    
And what is more,                                           
Republicans suck, all agreed!                               
                                                            
54735 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Joe Kohn                 



Republicans should get on the wagon                         
And do their own sexual braggin'.                           
If they're so inclined,                                     
They might not be behind,                                   
So they better get out and get shaggin'.                    
                                                            
54736 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    MrMalo                   



The Republican plan reached its goal,                       
Once the gambler in Bush took a poll.                       
He knew, where he sat,                                      
He couldn't stand Pat,                                      
And decided to get off the Dole.                            
                                                            
54737 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



There once was a warblogging Persian,                       
Who spent days and nights casting aspersions.               
He wrote them all down;                                     
He meant to astound.                                        
What he wrote were all right-wing perversions.              
                                                            
54738 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Dave Winer               



Here at home Republicans are king;                          
Democrats do all nasty things.                              
My other non-commitment:                                    
Politics are shitment.                                      
If asked about my leanings, I sing.                         
                                                            
54739 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES                             



This shit is not about lies                                 
Or sex in the house which we prize.                         
These scandalous "scrapes"                                  
Are just all sour grapes;                                   
They lost and they won't compromise.                        
                                                            
54740 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Karen                    



Though I toe the conservative line,                         
I think redistribution is fine;                             
Give a piece of the pie                                     
To those poorer than I --                                   
Just as long as that piece isn't mine!                      
                                                            
54741 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    William N. Nesbit   P9603



At long last, I'm inspired to write                         
About jokes that try to shed light                          
On the political views                                      
Of miscellaneous hues;                                      
I guess I'd rather switch than fight.                       
                                                            
54742 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Jim Weaver Collection    



Did you note on the ballot this fall?                       
Third parties replied to the call.                          
Dave Bergland's no communist                                
Quite unlike the Populist                                   
Bob Richards or commie Gus Hall.                            
                                                            
54743 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Kim Goldsworthy     P8412



"We Republicans have been farsighted,                       
For the nation at last has been righted,"                   
The President gloats.                                       
His antagonist notes                                        
That indeed it has been too far righted.                    
                                                            
54744 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    A. N. Wilkins       P8411



There's an old Irish word meaning "thief";                  
Four letters, quite pithy and brief.                        
I tell you no lie,                                          
It is T-O-R-Y,                                              
Now doesn't that bugger belief?                             
                                                            
54745 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Linda Marsh Coll         



The Democrats, lately, with zest,                           
Think the Bill of Right's really a pest.                    
Individual choice                                           
Can't be given a voice,                                     
Because Uncle Sam knows what is best.                       
                                                            
54746 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Jim Weaver Collection    



Don't stand in the way of the plan;                         
Democrats, stand by your man.                               
Or vote Libertarian!                                        
Write your librarian!                                       
And laugh when the shit hits the fan.                       
                                                            
54747 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Jim Weaver Collection    



We've been living with Trickle Down Theory                  
With which we've become quite leary.                        
Helping Ron and the rich,                                   
For the rest, it's a bitch;                                 
A theory with which we're quite weary.                      
                                                            
54748 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Harry Rubin         P9301



It's the party of Kennedy boozers,                          
And repugnant abortionist choosers.                         
This is Bill Clinton's base;                                
They are quite a disgrace,                                  
All the whiners and weirdos and losers.                     
                                                            
54749 POLITICS - THEORY - PARTIES    Jim Weaver Collection    



Perhaps it is now apropos,                                  
That under my feathers I show,                              
A bird always regal --                                      
American Eagle --                                           
Refusing to eat any crow.                                   
                                                            
54750 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS                             



In the past many nations despotic,                          
For worship, chose symbols hypnotic.                        
So the eagle--how odd--                                     
Bird of prey, we applaud.                                   
It is poultry proclaimed patriotic.                         
                                                            
54751 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Al Chaplin          P9502



As a symbol of note, we admit                               
The eagle is worthy and fit.                                
But for principles narrow,                                  
Much preferred is the sparrow,                              
Who sings with great joy and eats shit.                     
                                                            
54752 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Albin Chaplin   3024-2417



"Educrats" as a group have begun                            
To be common as flies in the sun,                           
On the corpse of our schools                                
Where they prey upon fools.                                 
(You can bet Mrs. Clinton is one!)                          
                                                            
54753 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS                             



I'm one that was failed to be trained,                      
But "Educrats" now you have "splain'd."                     
I don't mind this telling,                                  
I thought was misspelling;                                  
My mind through the years sure has waned!                   
                                                            
54754 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS                             



Let's hear it for educrat fools                             
Who got rid of our neighborhood schools.                    
Now we all know                                             
How far they will go                                        
To prove that stupidity rules.                              
                                                            
54755 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    DC Dave                  



Since their folks work so much, he and she,                 
There's rarely a time when they're free,                    
And with parents away,                                      
Family Values today                                         
Are what the kids learn on TV.                              
                                                            
54756 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    A. N. Wilkins       P9508



A mathematicin named Bryce                                  
Found a formula neat and concise.                           
Politicians psychotic                                       
Can be called patriotic                                     
After waving the flag only twice.                           
                                                            
54757 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Al Chaplin          P9501



A matron so fair in MacDole,                                
In youth had a strong Marxist soul.                         
She's now in a pickle,                                      
There's a hammer-and-sickle                                 
Tatoo right next to her hole!                               
                                                            
54758 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS                             



Let's celebrate this special day,                           
Because our great land is okay!                             
It will not be wrecked                                      
By those we elect,                                          
Proclaim then, loud Happy Birthday!                         
                                                            
54759 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Chris Papa               



The Politicians all, in my book,                            
Every one of them is a crook.                               
GOP or Dem,                                                 
I detest all of them.                                       
I'd like all their gooses to cook.                          
                                                            
54760 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Kaylin                   



The only thing worse than the jigs                          
Are dutchies and Texans and pigs,                           
From the krautland now poorer                               
From failing their Fuhrer,                                  
And losing the world for their digs.                        
                                                            
54761 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Johnson Large            



There's laws against using bad isms;                        
These isms divide into schisms,                             
Turns wiz into wisms                                        
And jiz into jisms,                                         
And sends all lawbreakers to prisms.                        
                                                            
54762 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS                             



The legacy left by Slick Will,                              
Practiced in dark stair wells still,                        
Or for gal and guy                                          
Who remain too shy,                                         
There's always old Jocelyn's skill.                         
                                                            
54763 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Chris Papa               



As our sovereignity's given away,                           
Michael New will now stand up to say:                       
"To my country's my oath;                                   
There's no way to serve both."                              
He will not wear that damn blue beret.                      
                                                            
54764 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Jim Weaver Collection    



The soldier salutes it with pride,                          
In memory of comrades who died.                             
Any 'crazies' that yearn                                    
This emblem to burn,                                        
Had better find someplace to hide.                          
                                                            
54765 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Gifford Wherry           



Smile an N.R.A. lady named Drum,                            
"We're accused of much nonsense by some;                    
We're not boozed-up floozies                                
With full-loaded Uzis,                                      
Though just fondling a gun makes me come.                   
                                                            
54766 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Armand E Singer       971



But even when all's said and done,                          
As nations are o'er the Earth spun,                         
The U.S. remains                                            
In spite of its strains,                                    
A historic great "Number One!".                             
                                                            
54767 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Chris Papa               



In order to form a more per-                                
fect union, we'll oust every cur                            
Who won't cut short our due:                                
A man's right to pursue                                     
Lady Liberty's lush beaver-fur.                             
                                                            
54768 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Robin K. Willoughby P8608



Allocution is not out of place,                             
When speaking of sex, drugs and race,                       
And political smear                                         
Of folks who are queer,                                     
Is good for the lame, poor and base.                        
                                                            
54769 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS                             



Said "sexist for president" Lee,                            
"I promise a clear policy;                                  
I'm for deep penetration                                    
Of the whole population                                     
Of girls who will vote just for me!"                        
                                                            
54770 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Armand E Singer       490



In the conquest of space that is ours,                      
Observe the display of our powers --                        
By dropping, like mannah.                                   
The star-spangled bannah                                    
On various innocent stars.                                  
(non-singers screw up the singing thereof - McW)            
54771 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Hugh Oliver         A137D



There's a statue out there by Bartholdi;                    
Though copper, a true golden oldie.                         
No flibbertigibbet, she                                     
Champions liberty.                                          
Let's not let her ever get mouldy.                          
                                                            
54772 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Laurence Perrine    P9207



Oh give me your tired, your poor,                           
The refuse of your teeming shore,                           
Your Hunky, your Frog,                                      
Your Spic, and your Wog.                                    
My lamp's beside your golden door.                          
                                                            
54773 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Arthur Deex         P8304



Confirmed hippy, was Jane at the start,                     
Till she tossed her tie-dyes, getting smart.                
She'd decided to live                                       
Like a conservative,                                        
Kept hippiness hid in her heart.                            
                                                            
54774 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Esther Koch         P0304



"My Country 'Tis Of Thee" I say,                            
"Sweet land of liberty" every day!                          
In God I do trust                                           
And thank him, I must!                                      
I was born here! And not far away!                          
                                                            
54775 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Maggie                   



I will fly my flag high, with pride!                        
So it can be seen far and wide!                             
Old Glory...It's true,                                      
Our red, white and blue;                                    
Three cheers!  By this flag I'll abide!                     
                                                            
54776 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Maggie                   



With certain words now incorrect,                           
With care I my words shall select.                          
First, MOTHER I'll try,                                     
And then APPLE PIE,                                         
Then cinch it with I'LL PAY THE CHECK.                      
                                                            
54777 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Irving Superior     P9110



The warren, where Congressmen play,                         
And presidents have their slick way,                        
Is plush and expensive                                      
For sinning extensive,                                      
Which taxpayers help to defray.                             
                                                            
54778 POLITICS - THEORY - SYMBOLS    Chris Papa               



There once was an old pro named Spiro,                      
Who ran out on the field like a hero.                       
And he was a slick jack,                                    
At running a kickback,                                      
But he fumbled, and now he's a zero.                        
                                                            
54779 POLITICS - VICE PRES           John Ciardi              



Each day a veep they call Dick                              
Has a ticker that fails in its tick.                        
So they fill him with gas                                   
Through a hole in his ass,                                  
And revive with a flick of a bic.                           
                                                            
54780 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Keith Gilman        P0107



The Veep man, "The Screamer", George Bush                   
Gave Gerry an insolent push.                                
Regarding Beirut,                                           
He hauled out the "trut"                                    
But he never did cause her to hush.                         
                                                            
54781 POLITICS - VICE PRES           C. R. Openshaw      P8501



Said a vice president named Cheney,                         
My kilowatt hours are too many!                             
Life should be gravy;                                       
So let's bill the Navy;                                     
Conserving would be much too zany.                          
                                                            
54782 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Kristen and Steve        



Dick Chancy, now sports a new stent                         
To repair the small place that was rent.                    
He is now having sex                                        
As the doctor directs,                                      
But rather than coming he went.                             
                                                            
54783 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Tom Patton          P0109



They say that Dick Cheney's the guy                         
Who has to give answere for why                             
Old Dubya, so dim,                                          
Is employing him.                                           
"I'm not smart but at least I try!"                         
                                                            
54784 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Tony Burrell             



Mr Cheney, the ex CEO,                                      
Did things he won't want us to know.                        
His actions at Halliburtin                                  
Left stockholders hurtin',                                  
As he walked away with the dough.                           
                                                            
54785 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Big Dick Cheney is in for a treat                           
Since the surgeons completed their feat;                    
With his new I U D                                          
They implanted for free,                                    
He'll have safe sex and not miss a beat.                    
                                                            
54786 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Loren Fitzhugh      P0108



The doc said, "I'm prescribing a tonic                      
To support the implant, electronic.                         
Eat some meat, very lean,                                   
Have some sex that's routine --                             
Tell your intern her role's now Platonic."                  
                                                            
54787 POLITICS - VICE PRES           William Nesbit      P0109



The Dems, in a masterful ploy,                              
Chose Joseph, a nice Jewish boy,                            
Whose ditched his ideals                                    
To run with those heels;                                    
In short, he sold out to the Goy.                           
                                                            
54788 POLITICS - VICE PRES           John Miller              



No way was my meaning sarcastic;                            
This coup by the Dems is fantastic.                         
'Cause choosing a Jew                                       
Helps Hillary too;                                          
To stop her will take something drastic.                    
                                                            
54789 POLITICS - VICE PRES           John Miller              



The party's new running mate                                
Did its head lecher berate.                                 
If you want to restore                                      
The lip service of yore,                                    
You should think Lieberman's great.                         
                                                            
54790 POLITICS - VICE PRES           DC Dave                  



I heard today on the TV                                     
Al Gore's running mate for VP.                              
Said he will try                                            
A new battle cry:                                           
"Remember we crossed the Red Sea!"                          
                                                            
54791 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Travis Brasell           



John McCain as a prisoner of war                            
Sat each day contemplating the floor.                       
So we all know that he                                      
As potential VP,                                            
Would find ways to do less, but not more.                   
                                                            
54792 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Tom Patton          P0900



Said Cheney, heart patient in strife,                       
"Will intercourse shorten my life?"                         
"Not a bit," said the doc.                                  
"You will suffer no shock                                   
Just as long as you fuck with the wife."                    
                                                            
54793 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Al Chaplin          P0109



Here's a lesson for Al that's historical:                   
Spiro Agnew consulted an oracle.                            
"Will I win the next race?"                                 
"No, you'll end in disgrace."                               
I consider this tale Al-a-Gore-ical!                        
                                                            
54794 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Larry Hollister          



Though Lynn is well-spoken and brainy,                      
She never does anything zany.                               
And thus she may sleep                                      
With our cardiac veep --                                    
The docs know she won't yank his Cheney.                    
                                                            
54795 POLITICS - VICE PRES           Keith Gilman        P0110



In the White House, a VP named Gore,                        
Was arrested for starting a war.                            
He muttered, they say,                                      
As they led him away,                                       
"So that's what the red button's for!"                      
                                                            
54796 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Barrie Collins      P9603



In the Senate, presiding, Al Gore,                          
Was arrested, and asked them, "What for?"                   
He was told, "Don't resist,                                 
For our orders insist,                                      
We remove all the blood from the floor."                    
                                                            
54797 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Cybergeezer              



It is said Mr. Gore is a bore,                              
Who'd not satisfy even a whore.                             
Tipper's screwing around                                    
In that bad DC town.                                        
Soon he'll be VP no more!                                   
                                                            
54798 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE                        T9712



It's true that a Dick in the Bush                           
Is great fun to pull and to push/                           
All Truman that voted                                       
Have said, Dewey noted,                                     
"It sure beats a GORE in the tush!"                         
                                                            
54799 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE                             



V.P. Gore did not show hesitation                           
Twisting arms to shakedown big donations.                   
Party donors are steaming                                   
From their financial reaming                                
And resent hints of intimidation.                           
                                                            
54800 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Have you noticed Al Gore recently?                          
He is getting more time on TV.                              
If Bill falls in disgrace,                                  
We'll have Gore in his place                                
As he trades his V.P. for plain P.                          
                                                            
54801 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Off to China our V.P. has gone                              
While we wait to find out what will spawn.                  
What will Al Gore Propose                                   
That will add to our woes?                                  
Don't you wonder just what's going on?                      
                                                            
54802 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Sure Clinton might get shoved out the door,                 
For slamming yet another whore.                             
But you seem to forget,                                     
If Bill's resignation we get,                               
Then we'll be stuck with President Gore!                    
                                                            
54803 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Lars                     



I find the President's antics a bore,                       
Even though he's made everyone sore.                        
If we slash Bill                                            
From Capitol Hill,                                          
The White House will fill up with Gore.                     
                                                            
54804 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Dave Temby               



I would rather have that Animal Gore                        
On the road, even though its an eye sore,                   
Than have as the President,                                 
A plague carrying resident,                                 
Or the other who's rotten to the core.                      
                                                            
54805 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE                             



Starr and Clinton are engaged in a duel,                    
While the Press fans the flames and adds fuel.              
Al Gore and his staff                                       
Try hard not to laugh,                                      
As they wait for their own turn to rule.                    
                                                            
54806 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Our robotic vice president Gore                             
Always sticks out his hand to get more                      
In foreign donations,                                       
While Ole Bill has gyrations                                
With Monica down on the floor!                              
                                                            
54807 POLITICS - VICE PRES - GORE                             



I, Dan Quayle, never swear.                                 
If I can't be VP, I don't care.                             
Big Marilyn said                                            
I can play golf instead.                                    
And she is the mommy...so there!                            
                                                            
54808 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  John Roberts        P9301



The Prez looked just like a tomato                          
When he found Dan could not spell totato.                   
Said Dan, "For Pete's sake,                                 
It's a natural mistake --                                   
Now where is my copy of Plato."                             
                                                            
54809 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Jim Weaver Collection    



"We're against any marriage by queers;                      
Wives should stay home like good dears;                     
And blacks should be grateful                               
They were sold by the crateful,                             
Or they'd still be back home chucking spears."              
(Dan Quayle accepting nomination speech)                    
54810 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  MrMalo                   



In his spelling Dan Quayle may have erred.                  
His attempt, though, was not as absurd                      
As Bill Clinton's assay                                     
Or Ted Kennedy's way.                                       
For Dan knew that HARASS was one word.                      
                                                            
54811 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  A. N. Wilkins       P9406



She was not ashamed, Murphy Brown,                          
When Dan Quayle, speaking truth, put her down.              
They say he misspoke;                                       
The press made a joke,                                      
And some even called him a clown.                           
                                                            
54812 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Al Willis           P9508



Old Danny boy isn't too bright;                             
If elected we might have to fight.                          
Just one speech from Dan                                    
Could start war with Iran,                                  
'Cause he doesn't know shit from Shi'ite.                   
                                                            
54813 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE                           



We've sought high and low for to find                       
Some trace of the Quaylean mind.                            
But(t) all that he am                                       
'S a cartoon Uncle Sam,                                     
With the face of Rush Limbaugh behind.                      
                                                            
54814 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Cool-Edge                



You, of course, remember Dan Quayle?                        
I've started to send him e-mail.                            
If he ignores fools,                                        
And follows my rules,                                       
He'll be Whitehouse bound without fail.                     
                                                            
54815 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Anon                     



The ex-vice president conveyed                              
That he'll stand by the statements he made.                 
But what really shocked me                                  
Worse than potato-'OE'                                      
Is that he'd rather golf than get laid.                     
                                                            
54816 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Jim Weaver Collection    



That great stand-up comic, Dan Quayle,                      
Has set out on the campaigning trail.                       
I reckon that Bush                                          
Will set Dan on his tush                                    
And I'll leave out the Gore-y detail.                       
                                                            
54817 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  John E Maywood           



So once more I've not seen it fail,                         
That in spite of the rant and the rale,                     
Murphy still does her stint                                 
Shamelessly hawking SPRINT                                  
And since then, who has heard of Dan Quayle?                
                                                            
54818 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



"Clinton has brought us such pains."                        
That's the theme of Republican refrains.                    
So in comes Quayle                                          
On the campaign trail;                                      
Do we need a President with no brains?                      
                                                            
54819 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Jennifer M               



Our choice would be Mr Dan Quayle;                          
His chances are looking quite frail.                        
So he can't spell,                                          
But Oh, what the hell!                                      
He never invented e-mail.                                   
                                                            
54820 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Tom Simon                



I, the inane Dan Quayle,                                    
Do promise to wag my cute tail,                             
Whenever George speaks,                                     
And to plug up those leaks,                                 
And help keep us all out of jail!                           
                                                            
54821 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  John Roberts        P9301



If Dan Quayle runs, he is dead.                             
As so many pundits have said,                               
He will be sent packing                                     
With intellect lacking.                                     
Don't run, Mr. Potato head.                                 
                                                            
54822 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Frank                    



A vice president's lady did play                            
With cucumbers, and had this to say,                        
"True, it's nasty of me,                                    
But my husband, you see,                                    
Prefers golf over sex any day."                             
                                                            
54823 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Herbert Rutledge         



Indiana produced quite a lad;                               
Danny Q played golf and was glad.                           
"I'll serve my country                                      
Though I'm due at the tee,                                  
But first I'll have to ask Dad."                            
                                                            
54824 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Dale Miller              



There once was a young jackass named Quayle,                
Whose head was stuck so far up his tail                     
That he brayed without heed,                                
"If we do not succeed,                                      
Then, by gosh, there's a chance we might fail."             
                                                            
54825 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Dhanesh                  



There once was a Boomer named Dan,                          
Who came up with a wonderful plan.                          
"I'll call my Dad                                           
Then I won't be sad--                                       
I won't have to go to Vietnam!"                             
                                                            
54826 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Mel Walker               



There once was a VP named Dan,                              
Who said that "Although I've been canned,                   
I'll get re-elected                                         
I will be respected!                                        
I'm standing firm...er...when I stand!"                     
                                                            
54827 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Mel Walker               



There once was a man called the Dan-ser,                    
Who thought that he knew every answer                       
To the questions we posed.                                  
But his party got hosed,                                    
When it got ultra-conservative cancer.                      
                                                            
54828 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Jason Schechner          



An eager young spaniel named Dano                           
Practiced hard to go mano-a-mano                            
With a fellow named Gore,                                   
An unspeakable bore,                                        
But the bore knocked our boy on his can-o.                  
                                                            
54829 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Bill Anderson            



Dan said, "Milit'ry service is hard.                        
Go to 'Nam, I'll be killed, maimed, or scarred.             
Though the Commies must fall,                               
I'll have Dad make a call."                                 
Voila!  Dan's in the National Guard.                        
                                                            
54830 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Vern Morrison            



Said our boy, "Being president's hard                       
On one's golf, and it's bound to retard                     
The course of my game,                                      
So I'll use my good name                                    
To get back in the National Guard."                         
                                                            
54831 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Bill Anderson            



In the days when Quayle played golf on Mars,                
Driving spuds with a niblick for pars,                      
Many sessions were bulled,                                  
And some Clintons were pulled,                              
About how he received battle scars.                         
                                                            
54832 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Chris                    



When our family values sad fate                             
Are on liberal media's plate,                               
It is not Murphy Brown,                                     
But to Crusty the Clown,                                    
That Dan Quayle can most closely relate.                    
                                                            
54833 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  David B. Sousa           



Now the ex VP's skill with an 'E'                           
Is the source of much liberal glee,                         
But I'm much more incensed                                  
At his AIDS ignorance                                       
When he spelled AZT "DDT".                                  
                                                            
54834 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  David B. Sousa           



There once was a veep at a bee,                             
Full of children one year past grade three.                 
But the children all knew                                   
Not to trust you-know-who,                                  
Because he spelled potato "OE".                             
                                                            
54835 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  David B. Sousa           



Anatomically perfect was he,                                
From his hair to his tiny peepee.                           
With a head made of wood,                                   
This Chicago doll should                                    
Be the image of our ex VP.                                  
                                                            
54836 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  David B. Sousa           



Should UseNet extend to far Venus,                          
Let's stick tight; let none come between us                 
As we happily flail                                         
The quite hapless Dan Quayle,                               
Rush Limbaugh, and John Switzer's penis.                    
                                                            
54837 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Herbert Rutledge         



GOP VP's suck!  Think of Spiro,                             
Think of Nixon and Bush and our Hero.                       
And I have a strong hunch                                   
Quayle's the worst of the bunch.                            
On a scale, 1 to 10, he rates zero.                         
(Nixon is a minus 100 - McW)                                
54838 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Vern Morrison            



Said the wife of the Veep (that is, ex-):                   
"Well he always supplies me with checks,                    
Doesn't sleep with his aides,                               
Family values in spades,                                    
And he even likes golf more than sex."                      
                                                            
54839 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Nick Kimbre              



Our hero's not very particular                              
About marital matters testicular.                           
'Stead of sex, he'd prefer                                  
To go golfing with her,                                     
Where his putter may stay perpendicular.                    
                                                            
54840 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Cool-Edge                



Though Quayle never achieved notoriety,                     
He was known for his lack of propriety.                     
His verbal acuity                                           
Was full of vacuity,                                        
So he passed muster in high society.                        
                                                            
54841 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Chris                    



You know what verbosity brings?                             
"Unclear, inarticulate things."                             
This was said knowingly,                                    
By our former VP                                            
For of gaffes, Quayle's the King Of All Kings.              
                                                            
54842 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Vern Morrison            



Said our boy, "Up on Mars, they got water,                  
And if they got water, we oughter                           
Have the means to draw breath,                              
So we don't suffer death,                                   
And pass out, and become Martian fodder."                   
                                                            
54843 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Bill Anderson            



Dan said, "I know that some folks will doubt me,            
But there's a whole newsgroup about me!                     
It's called alt.fan.dan-quayle,                             
And it proves without fail,                                 
That the nation just can't do without me."                  
                                                            
54844 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Vern Morrison            



A fictional woman named Brown                               
Made our Dan look a bit of a clown;                         
Her fictional morals                                        
Caused factional quarrels:                                  
Would the ratings go up, or go down.                        
                                                            
54845 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Bill Anderson            



Our boy Dan wed a girl named Tucker,                        
And one day in the 90's, it struck 'er,                     
"He likes golf more than sex;                               
Independence I'll flex,                                     
And leave Dan on the golf course, poor sucker."             
                                                            
54846 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Patrick Walsh            



Said Quayle of the former Miss Tucker,                      
"I was once such a romantic sucker!                         
But a day's golf is tough--                                 
Eighteen holes is enough!                                   
When I'm done, I just too tired to fuck her."               
                                                            
54847 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Vern Morrison            



Here's the Tale of Dan Quayle, a Vice-President,            
Whose brain was completely non-resident.                    
So he wired up his mouth                                    
To an organ down South                                      
And his words became legion, not hesitant.                  
                                                            
54848 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



Soon, throughout the land all had heard                     
Of his wonderful way with a word.                           
Oh, he must have thought sweet                              
Was the taste of his feet,                                  
And he clearly had room for a third.                        
                                                            
54849 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



Our boy has been known to grow wild                         
At the bondage 'tween Mother and Child.                     
And if there's no Dad,                                      
Why, the Mother's a Cad                                     
Who deserves to be foully reviled.                          
                                                            
54850 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



Debating Al Gore, dressed in black,                         
This puppy went on the attack.                              
While feeling his oats,                                     
He kept quoting non-quotes,                                 
As his ratings roared past to the back.                     
                                                            
54851 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



But what has become of our Hero?                            
His ratings diminish to zero.                               
Through Robin to Batman,                                    
Endorsed by the Fat Man,                                    
His song's reminiscent of Nero.                             
(Fat Man - Rush Limbaugh probably - McW)                    
54852 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



To shore up  his sagging appeal,                            
He'll gird up his loins and his steel                       
And make his last stand                                     
In Republicanland                                           
Somewhere between far out and real.                         
                                                            
54853 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



Now, lest you think, "No, not for me!"                      
Consider how aging will be.                                 
Your nuerons will thin                                      
As Quaylescence sets in,                                    
And you'll drool, stumble, mumble, and pee.                 
                                                            
54854 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



So, whither George Bush and Dan Quayle?                     
To the bank?  To the boardroom?  To jail?                   
For shtupping the nation                                    
Mere incarceration                                          
Seems somehow remarkably pale.                              
                                                            
54855 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



In the end, only history will tell                          
If they're headed for Heaven or hell.                       
But whichever location                                      
Is their destination,                                       
It's bound to be clear from the smell.                      
                                                            
54856 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Don Coolidge             



At the inauguration Quayle sought directions.               
"Just who were the voters selections?                       
Did we win? Did we lose"                                    
Can I start chasing Cooze?                                  
Or have they yet held the elections?"                       
                                                            
54857 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Theo Heller         P9301



To Quayle and his stockbroker, Kelle,                       
"The market is up for a spell.                              
Business leaders take pains                                 
To buy the best brains.                                     
When your IQ hits 82 -- sell!"                              
                                                            
54858 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Phil Cannibal       P9301



Nothing personal in the slightest,                          
But Quayle's brains are the lightest.                       
But you can't make fun of                                   
The fact that he's one of                                   
The GOP's best and the brightest!                           
                                                            
54859 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Jim Weaver Collection    



Dan Quayle, the political pro                               
Just slightly misspelled potato.                            
When told of his folly                                      
He answered, "By golly,                                     
I thought 'twas spelled like tomatoe.                       
                                                            
54860 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  SantyClz                 



Our own ex-vice president Quayle                            
Has announced for the campaign trail.                       
But he's such a sap                                         
When he opens his yap,                                      
He steps in dog shit without fail.                          
                                                            
54861 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE                           



Of course, you remember Dan Quayle?                         
I've started to send him e-mail.                            
If he ignores the fools                                     
And follows my rules,                                       
He'll be White House bound without fail!                    
                                                            
54862 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Marlene                  



Albert Gore remarked, "What can I say                       
Except it's the AMERICTECH way                              
To use A T and T                                            
For the olde DNC."                                          
Having voiced that, he SPRINTED away.                       
(Gore is in trouble for fund-raising phone calls, 1997)     
54863 POLITICS - VICE PRES - QUAYLE  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



The party of victims will fidget;                           
They must protect black, gay, and midget.                   
But the voters spoke loud                                   
At the far leftist crowd;                                   
In '94 we flipped our digit.                                
                                                            
54864 POLITICS - VOTING              Jim Weaver Collection    



On the Fourth of July we don't gloat.                       
We're just thankful the nation's afloat,                    
And we hope it survives                                     
The rest of our lives,                                      
In spite of the way that we vote.                           
                                                            
54865 POLITICS - VOTING              A. N. Wilkins       P8612



Our primary time has just passed.                           
So that part is over, at last.                              
Again in the fall,                                          
They'll redo it all.                                        
And once more, we all will get gassed.                      
                                                            
54866 POLITICS - VOTING              Larry Davis         P8607



The electors assemble and meet                              
To select from all those who compete:                       
To the winner, the reins --                                 
To the loser, the pains                                     
And the agony felt in defeat.                               
                                                            
54867 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



Non-voters are quick to proclaim,                           
"The candidates are without shame.                          
Since they're crooks to the core,                           
I don't vote anymore.                                       
Why bother? They're all just the same."                     
                                                            
54868 POLITICS - VOTING              Jim Weaver Collection    



On every fourth year in November,                           
All people are asked to remember:                           
A citizen resident,                                         
By voting for president,                                    
Is using the right of each member.                          
                                                            
54869 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



A typical voter named Bess                                  
Shows us why the election's a mess                          
"I select handsome men,                                     
Answer questions 'cause when                                
Propositioned, I always say yes."                           
                                                            
54870 POLITICS - VOTING              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



ANDOCRACY was a male throne,                                
Subject to testosterone,                                    
But since ladies vote,                                      
The label men tote                                          
Is that of elected drone.                                   
                                                            
54871 POLITICS - VOTING              Chris Papa               



An election held in the States                              
Was to decide political fates.                              
But outside the U. S.                                       
No-one could care less,                                     
For Bush, or for Gore, or their mates.                      
                                                            
54872 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



CALUMNY's the source of great pain,                         
From which decent humans refrain.                           
So there's none to fear,                                    
Except in each year,                                        
When there's an election campaign.                          
                                                            
54873 POLITICS - VOTING              Chris Papa               



Let's all give thanks every day                             
For life in the U S of A.                                   
For in truth it seems                                       
Foreign regimes                                             
Sometimes take that privilege away.                         
                                                            
54874 POLITICS - VOTING              Arden                    



Our government sits in Victoria                             
In a permanent state of euphoria;                           
But come voting day                                         
We will sweep them away,                                    
While the trumpets play "Sic transit gloria."               
                                                            
54875 POLITICS - VOTING              John E Mayhood      P0800



Undecided, I voted for Gore;                                
Then for Dubya, I voted some more.                          
We vote early and often                                     
And sometimes from our coffin,                              
In Chicago, on Michigan's shore.                            
                                                            
54876 POLITICS - VOTING              William N Nesbit    P0101



The college was cool and collected                          
As Cleveland thought he'd been elected                      
By popular voice,                                           
The voter's first choice --                                 
But Harrison then was elected.                              
                                                            
54877 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



The college entitled electoral                              
Has duties much more than inspectoral:                      
Our biggest election                                        
Involves its selection,                                     
A function that could be protectoral.                       
                                                            
54878 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



The electoral college could choose                          
From the candidates destined to lose                        
By the popular vote.                                        
It's a chance that's remote                                 
And no doubt it would tend to confuse.                      
                                                            
54879 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



A new twist to the phrase, voting block:                    
Near two fifths of the ballots in stock                     
L.A.'s sheriff did score                                    
Even though, days before,                                   
He had answered the Grim Reaper's knock!                    
                                                            
54880 POLITICS - VOTING              Prof Mg                  



Said fumble-tongued candidate Mears,                        
Whose platform is deep in arrears,                          
"Though starting from scratch                               
I promise to snatch                                         
Defeat out of Victory! (loud jeers!)                        
                                                            
54881 POLITICS - VOTING              Armand E Singer       439



Michael has 17% for.                                        
Not too much if you're keeping score.                       
Candidates Democratic                                       
Would all be ecstatic                                       
As for them each has less and not more.                     
(Dem candidates Jan 04 less popular than Michael Jackson)   
54882 POLITICS - VOTING              Tom Patton          P0401



The candidates raved and emoted;                            
Now parts of their speeches are quoted.                     
The college now chooses                                     
Who wins and who loses,                                     
Depending on voters who voted.                              
                                                            
54883 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



As campaigns cover TV in force,                             
Smooth talkers court votes at the source.                   
They have taught in their school                            
That each voter's a fool,                                   
So be wise and discount their discourse.                    
                                                            
54884 POLITICS - VOTING              Esther Koch              



Democracy takes education                                   
And commitment to the relation.                             
If people would come                                        
With their homework all done,                               
There wouldn't be so much frustration.                      
                                                            
54885 POLITICS - VOTING              Terranace Boult          



Though I know your hard stand will not soften,              
Next week take a break from your boffin',                   
Just long enough                                            
Your ballot to stuff.                                       
Remember: Vote early and often.                             
                                                            
54886 POLITICS - VOTING              John Miller              



In Chicago, good folks collect,                             
And honor and truth they respect.                           
They do what they say,                                      
Work hard for their pay,                                    
So why is it the crooks they elect.                         
                                                            
54887 POLITICS - VOTING              Gerald Bosaker           



In Chicago, the town you were noting,                       
"Why do crooks get elected?" I'm quoting.                   
Don't blame the living,                                     
For approval they're giving.                                
It's the dead folks who do all the voting.                  
                                                            
54888 POLITICS - VOTING              William Tozzi            



We've improved on the Brits' style you see.                 
What we do in the 'land of the free',                       
Despite sleaze, theft and sneers,                           
Every two, four, six years;                                 
We vote and elect our royalty.                              
                                                            
54889 POLITICS - VOTING              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



Each fourth year comes a national event;                    
Fortunes spent to elect president.                          
Is winning a crime?                                         
Surprise sentence -- full time                              
Rough and tough capitol punishment.                         
                                                            
54890 POLITICS - VOTING              Esther Koch         P0106



"Every four years," observed Mr. Ong,                       
"An election campaign comes along                           
So the country can name                                     
One person to blame                                         
For whatever it is that goes wrong."                        
                                                            
54891 POLITICS - VOTING              A. N. Wilkins       P8411



Today is the day of election,                               
When the people all make their selection.                   
My ballot is in.                                            
Let the counting begin.                                     
The excitement gives me an erection.                        
                                                            
54892 POLITICS - VOTING              Mr B                     



I have a political view,                                    
But no need to explain it to you.                           
You will see my face                                        
At the polling place;                                       
My colleagues there are very few.                           
                                                            
54893 POLITICS - VOTING              Frank Fazed              



From a newswire the following's quoted:                     
"Of 39 felons who voted                                     
Disbarred abseentee,                                        
Only four GOP,                                              
Were among them, the AP has noted."                         
                                                            
54894 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



The pollsters assemble their trivia                         
Contorting the facts that they give ya.                     
For some sinister deed,                                     
They intend to mislead,                                     
And we Gallup along to oblivia.                             
                                                            
54895 POLITICS - VOTING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2820



You know nothing of issues of note?                         
Then I urge you to get out and vote!                        
With no literacy test                                       
You're as good as the rest,                                 
Just follow the crowd and emote!                            
                                                            
54896 POLITICS - VOTING              John Miller 0140         



A politico in a campaign                                    
Will love for the working folks feign.                      
When votes are all in,                                      
Thanks them with a grin                                     
From the cab of soft-buck gravy train.                      
                                                            
54897 POLITICS - VOTING              J'Carlin                 



Tomorrow is leader selection;                               
Go vote for the ones in your section.                       
If you pull the wrong handle,                               
There might be a scandal --                                 
It could be a long hard election.                           
                                                            
54898 POLITICS - VOTING              Jon Gearhart             



While holding my voting-tool pick,                          
And stabbing one hole for each prick,                       
I question each one                                         
And why he must run --                                      
Then think of each miniscule dick.                          
                                                            
54899 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



Our leaders, they really have nerve;                        
They bob and they weave and they swerve.                    
But come the election,                                      
They ooze with affection;                                   
Let's limit how long they can serve!                        
                                                            
54900 POLITICS - VOTING              Renwa                    



Don't fret the impending election                           
And suffer post ballot depression.                          
As you watch the cable,                                     
I'll crawl 'neath the table,                                
And do my best intern impression.                           
                                                            
54901 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



Re politics, let me confess:                                
I vote and then hope for the best.                          
I cannot pretend                                            
To know in the end,                                         
The truth or the lies. I just guess.                        
                                                            
54902 POLITICS - VOTING              H WHELCHEL               



I voted once for Daffy Duck,                                
Buut he didn't make it, worse luck.                         
Those political goons                                       
Are all Loony Tunes,                                        
And we are the ones that they fuck.                         
                                                            
54903 POLITICS - VOTING              Funny Bone               



A well-rounded lady was glad                                
That she had the nerve to be bad --                         
The lottery done,                                           
The lady had won                                            
A date with a loose-hanging Chad.                           
                                                            
54904 POLITICS - VOTING              Marlene Lewis            



This college, by law, it is clear,                          
Must vote each quadrennial year;                            
When learning results,                                      
The winner exults --                                        
The loser emits a wee tear.                                 
                                                            
54905 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



Says George Bush: Vote for me, it's a must!                 
Big government just isn't just.                             
Trust the people instead;                                   
Now in votes I'm ahead.                                     
Let's machine count; what folks can you trust?              
                                                            
54906 POLITICS - VOTING              Prof M-G                 



In Australia the Government has sought                      
To make everyone vote; and resort                           
Has been had to steep fines                                 
For not voting on time.                                     
No doubt to "encourager les autres"...                      
                                                            
54907 POLITICS - VOTING              Mike                     



I have voted since I was two;                               
I'll vote when I've bid you adieu.                          
I am there on the rolls                                     
Of twenty-six polls;                                        
Pray tell me, what else should I do?                        
                                                            
54908 POLITICS - VOTING              John Miller              



Let's hear it for citizens many,                            
Who haven't a thought worth a penny,                        
Of learning they're shy,                                    
But they can multiply,                                      
And possess the vote, good as any.                          
                                                            
54909 POLITICS - VOTING              Chris Papa               



When Big Government get into trouble,                       
They pull themselves into a bubble.                         
They ignore all suggestions,                                
And don't answer questions.                                 
Next election, they'll be naught but rubble.                
                                                            
54910 POLITICS - VOTING              Andrew Purdom            



A part of a candidate's vote                                
Must come from the voters who dote                          
On her or on him,                                           
Else prospects are dim                                      
And chances of winning remote.                              
                                                            
54911 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



Bush and Gore, both dumbed up dimwits,                      
Together are not worth two bits.                            
The time's right to elect,                                  
From a whole different sect.                                
Vote for pussy, vote cleavage, vote tits!                   
                                                            
54912 POLITICS - VOTING              Goin2later               



Seems women enjoy being 'Gored',                            
By fanatical recounting hoard.                              
But I don't want that prick                                 
Screwing me with his dick.                                  
No Bush to be had?  Men grow bored.                         
                                                            
54913 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



The election created some friction                          
Re A's income and B's jurisdiction.                         
Some say, "Without doubt,                                   
A's in or B's out."                                         
But of outcomes, I make no prediction."                     
                                                            
54914 POLITICS - VOTING              Laurence Perrine    P8411



Says George Bush: Vote for me, take a stand,                
And I promise the Feds will be banned                       
From deciding what you                                      
In your home state can do,                                  
Once we've banished vote counting by hand.                  
                                                            
54915 POLITICS - VOTING              Prof M-G                 



How the press hates the presidency;                         
Every hiccup is shown on TV.                                
Vote for Bush if you must,                                  
Or give Al Gore your trust,                                 
Just as long as you don't vote for me!                      
                                                            
54916 POLITICS - VOTING              Lynn Mostafa        P2006



The far rightwing lunatics                                  
Have the country in a bad fix.                              
The Dems have the middle;                                   
Repubs play second fiddle                                   
After November [1998] election tricks.                      
                                                            
54917 POLITICS - VOTING              Dave                     



Up early and off to the polls,                              
Where I choose between jerks and trolls.                    
They're in? Vote 'em out!                                   
But please have no doubt,                                   
That this is just one of my goals.                          
                                                            
54918 POLITICS - VOTING              Marlene                  



Voting seems quite ONEROUS                                  
To some in our country, and thus                            
There's need to remind.                                     
Some reason, we find,                                       
It should be for the "owner"; us!                           
                                                            
54919 POLITICS - VOTING              Chris Papa               



The People have spoken, that's true,                        
And the "character" issue fell through.                     
When the other side wins                                    
They're THE BASTARDS, those ins...                          
It's a matter of whose point of view.                       
                                                            
54920 POLITICS - VOTING              William N. Nesbit   P9701



I'll win by a landslide election;                           
No need for a ballot inspection,                            
Without hanging chads,                                      
Left by red-blooded lads,                                   
Who'll vote with their penile erection.                     
                                                            
54921 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



There it is -- one thousand and four.                       
I hope there won't be many more.                            
It just makes me sick,                                      
And makes the road slick,                                   
All covered with Animal Gore.                               
                                                            
54922 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



The voting machine I admire;                                
It registers tallies entire                                 
By the pull of a lever,                                     
But it would be more clever                                 
If you voted by pulling a wire.                             
                                                            
54923 POLITICS - VOTING              Albin Chaplin   3024-1921



But what about women?  They'd rail --                       
Of this method they could not avail.                        
Nor could men old and sick,                                 
But they could do the trick                                 
By dropping their turds in a pail.                          
                                                            
54924 POLITICS - VOTING              Albin Chaplin   3024-1922



With the help of an honest workstation,                     
I'd select all the heads of our nation.                     
Those who win and who lose                                  
I would randomly choose,                                    
To dispense with all false explanation.                     
                                                            
54925 POLITICS - VOTING              Larry Dahl               



Carolina votes Bush! Left me blinkin'.                      
Just what are those old rednecks thinkin'.                  
Not since the war                                           
Have they voted for                                         
The party of Abraham Lincoln.                               
                                                            
54926 POLITICS - VOTING              Mr Malo                  



If we're in a helluva mess,                                 
Please do all you can to address                            
The matter at hand.                                         
Don't bitch, take a stand,                                  
And write to or run for Congress.                           
                                                            
54927 POLITICS - VOTING              Frank Fazed              



When we play at the politics game,                          
We kick out the scum that's to blame.                       
Yes -- the rascals are out --                               
But there still leaves some doubt,                          
For it seems that the stench is the same.                   
                                                            
54928 POLITICS - VOTING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2968



Though the Dems gained a bit more authority,                
While Republicans kept their majority.                      
The result most to note                                     
About yesterday's vote,                                     
Is incumbents have more senority!                           
                                                            
54929 POLITICS - VOTING              Prof M-G                 



Methinks that I need a decoder                              
To decipher the hint of this odor;                          
Though once I ate turkey                                    
In Old Albuquerque,                                         
I'm elsewhere a registered voter.                           
                                                            
54930 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



All pollsters results are conjectural                       
But at times are truly "Projectural."                       
Our statutes provide                                        
That some will decide:                                      
It's the college that's know as electoral.                  
                                                            
54931 POLITICS - VOTING              R. J. Winkler       P8411



The man seeking office should think,                        
For his armor is not without chink.                         
If your act is not clean,                                   
Don't debase or demean;                                     
When you stir up the shit it will stink.                    
                                                            
54932 POLITICS - VOTING              Albin Chaplin            



"Our Democratic lead will not soften,                       
If our party votes early and often!                         
And if that's not enough,                                   
Have the ballot box stuffed,                                
Absentee votes from Democrat coffins."                      
                                                            
54933 POLITICS - VOTING              Jim Weaver Collection    



Here is a point that's worth noting:                        
A gender prevented from voting                              
Engenders enough rage                                       
To ensure their SUFFRAGE,                                   
Which stops further rights from eroding.                    
                                                            
54934 POLITICS - VOTING              Gary Hallock             



An aspiring young MP from Tring,                            
Invented a very neat thing.                                 
He created a voter,                                         
Complete with a motor,                                      
Who he found would suppport anything.                       
                                                            
54935 POLITICS - VOTING              Michael Palin            



No candidate's right for next year;                         
The G.O.P.'s had it, I fear.                                
So there's a good chance                                    
We'll lower our pants,                                      
And take the results in the rear.                           
                                                            
54936 POLITICS - VOTING                                       



Elected officials agree,                                    
"Those term limits are not for me.                          
Forget honest work;                                         
I want every perk.                                          
Welfare reform's only for thee."                            
                                                            
54937 POLITICS - VOTING              Thomas Patton       P9802



"These term limits," moaned Senator Grover,                 
"If they come, my career will be over.                      
I'll leave Capitol Hill                                     
Without talent or skill --                                  
But my pension will keep me in clover."                     
                                                            
54938 POLITICS - VOTING              William N. Nesbit   P9802



Why, to the forecaster's chagrin,                           
Do the voters -- enraged by the sin,                        
The corruption, and greed                                   
Of the Washington breed --                                  
Keep throwing the rascals back in?                          
                                                            
54939 POLITICS - VOTING              A. N. Wilkins       P9102



The voting machines in Nantucket                            
Broke down when a mad voter struck it.                      
But the voters did rally                                    
And completed the tally                                     
But dropping their turds in a bucket.                       
                                                            
54940 POLITICS - VOTING              Albin Chaplin   3024-1923



I encourage others to do                                    
The same as us voters, me and you.                          
All should take note,                                       
The privilege to vote                                       
Extends to all, not just a few.                             
                                                            
54941 POLITICS - VOTING              Arden                    



While the candidates ran unopposed,                         
As late primaries' ills diagnosed:                          
This electoral hoax                                         
Disenfranchises folks                                       
Who can't vote till the outcome's disclosed.                
                                                            
54942 POLITICS - VOTING              Prof M-G                 



Although candidates strongly emote                          
That they wish that more people would vote,                 
What's implied is "for me"                                  
And if not, well then he                                    
Would prefer that we not rock the boat.                     
                                                            
54943 POLITICS - VOTING              Gary Hallock             



I'll be right there by your side,                           
Like some political bride.                                  
Come this November,                                         
We should all remember                                      
Our duty and do it with pride.                              
                                                            
54944 POLITICS - VOTING              Arden                    



Term limits--a voter rebut                                  
To Congressmen stuck in a rut,                              
There's late word from the street,                          
In response to the heat,                                    
They've voted themselves a pay cut.                         
                                                            
54945 POLITICS - VOTING              John Paulk          P9301



It's not only on Halloween                                  
That the dead from the graveyards are seen--                
They abandon their holes                                    
And report to the polls                                     
To cast votes for Chicago's machine.                        
                                                            
54946 POLITICS - VOTING              William N. Nesbit   P9610



We need a voting revolution                                 
Supported by the Constitution.                              
The will of the masses                                      
Expressed by bare asses,                                    
Makes our country a great institution.                      
                                                            
54947 POLITICS - VOTING              Tom Patton          P0305



When I am in doubt 'bout my vote,                           
I write in "Bill," my neighbor's goat.                      
He cannot do worse                                          
Than those that we curse;                                   
So why don't you write what I wrote?                        
                                                            
54948 POLITICS - VOTING              Funny Bone               



Yet the battle for office still rages                       
And lawyers rack up their huge wages.                       
In long winded prose,                                       
The argument flows,                                         
Before dozens of judicial sages.                            
                                                            
54949 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



What's certain, when all's said and done                    
Is this time, Dear, nobody won,                             
'Cept vultures who gain                                     
From other folk's pain,                                     
Or find bar room brawling is fun.                           
                                                            
54950 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



When the smoke's cleared both men stand as losers,          
With urine-poor beggars the choosers.                       
Through the country's a-rift                                
And with both parties pissed,                               
That their guy had no better manuevers.                     
                                                            
54951 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



Will there ever be a conclusion?                            
My brain now has a contusion.                               
Who won, Gore or Bush?                                      
My brain is like mush;                                      
It's Biblical in it's confusion.                            
                                                            
54952 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



If the vote doesn't suit you today;                         
We live in the great USA;                                   
So call for recount                                         
In any amount,                                              
'Till the count finally works out your way.                 
                                                            
54953 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    John MIller              



The Court, in opinion per curium,                           
Said parts of the case did still worry 'em.                 
As expert hair-splitters,                                   
They said reconsider,                                       
But nothing at all about hurryin'.                          
                                                            
54954 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Election 2000            



There is wailing and grief on the left,                     
And the Hollywood gang is bereft.                           
For at least four more years                                
They will cry in their beers                                
And allege Bush's victory a theft.                          
                                                            
54955 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    William N Nesbit    P0103



Oh that Chad, he's the talk of the town.                    
All that swinging and hanging around,                       
Is causing a flurry,                                        
As Democrats worry;                                         
And all they can do is just frown.                          
                                                            
54956 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



Electile Dysfunction this year;                             
We can't seem to get it in gear.                            
A Florida judge                                             
Knew things would not budge --                              
"Please, send some Viagra down here!"                       
                                                            
54957 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



Florida is a sleazy wicket,                                 
Over-run by media and picket.                               
What is the truth,                                          
Oh master sleuth?                                           
Did Georgie win, or did Jeb trick it?                       
                                                            
54958 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Lynn Mostafa             



A Florida leader named Dave                                 
Had a sorry excuse, which he gave:                          
"I have to admit,                                           
It isn't worth shit,                                        
But think of the money we save!"                            
                                                            
54959 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



In general, the American mood,                              
While electing a president dude,                            
Was one of elation,                                         
Followed by frustration,                                    
As the courts over it chewed.                               
                                                            
54960 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



The Floridians held an election                             
Where each voter could make his selection.                  
But as happened before,                                     
What they did to the score,                                 
In people, requires an erection.                            
                                                            
54961 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Gore pled for additional speed,                             
But the Florida Court disagreed;                            
It's no Democrat puppet.                                    
Now conservative pundits                                    
Need a new baseless gas for their screed.                   
                                                            
54962 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Election 2000            



Hello there! I'm Yet-to-be Chad;                            
Neither swinging nor hanging a tad.                         
On voting slips mounted,                                    
I wait to be counted;                                       
'Twould hardly surprise me, egad.                           
                                                            
54963 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



A Florida voter named Clyde                                 
Had a problem, just couldn't decide,                        
So he punched the wrong hole,                               
And voted for -- DOLE!                                      
(Not bad for a Dem who had died!)                           
                                                            
54964 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



That should be the end, but there's more:                   
This ballot (when picked off the floor)                     
Had lost one more chad                                      
Making Democrats glad                                       
For, "Two votes is one vote for Gore!"                      
                                                            
54965 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



The date of Clyde's death got detected;                     
On recount this vote was rejected                           
But a lawyer for Gore                                       
Brought suit to restore:                                    
"Constituent's rights are protected!"                       
                                                            
54966 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



'Midst filings and pleadings and torts,                     
This thing wound its way through the courts,                
'Till Rhenquist, dissenting,                                
Said, "I'm not relenting:                                   
This case is less thrilling than sports."                   
                                                            
54967 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



In the end, although Justice was slow,                      
They struck a definitive blow,                              
Not just for dead blokes,                                   
But ALL mindless folks                                      
And awarded the vote to Perot!                              
                                                            
54968 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



In Florida, William McBride                                 
Will need the votes for a landslide,                        
Because Jebbies minions                                     
Throughout the dominion,                                    
Will somehow set many aside.                                
                                                            
54969 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Dr Limerick  09-12-02    



But the country's got one large-scale Tipper:               
The judges picked by the old Gipper!                        
Deciding, on briefs,                                        
Our Commander-in-Chief,                                     
Once the present one's gone (with his zipper).              
                                                            
54970 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



You ought to know this one by rote,                         
Though the answer might just get your goat,                 
But it seems plain to me,                                   
In a Democracy,                                             
It makes sense to just count the vote.                      
                                                            
54971 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    MrMalo                   



Republican Katherine Harris                                 
Can't blush, so she's hard to embarrass.                    
The reason is simple:                                       
She hides cheek and dimple                                  
With lashings of plaster of Paris!                          
(K H - secty of state Florida - in charge of elections)     
54972 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Prof M-G                 



Another tumultuous day.                                     
In Florida, U.S. of A.,                                     
The Supremes, 3 to 4,                                       
Said to recount for Gore,                                   
And to hustle, starting yesterday.                          
                                                            
54973 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Election 2000            



This nation's rule is not by judges, lads;                  
It is by swinging and pregnant chads.                       
But whichever candidate wins,                               
The nation will be in ruins,                                
What more can you expect from cads?                         
                                                            
54974 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



The Florida Secretary of State                              
Won't take the votes if they're late.                       
A recount's all right                                       
But it must be tonight,                                     
So the hand-counties must litigate.                         
                                                            
54975 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Dr Limerick  11-13-00    



I liked our election a bunch,                               
But I have a very strong hunch,                             
That future elections                                       
Will not have inspections                                   
Of ballots -- the kind that you punch!                      
                                                            
54976 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



At last, the election is done.                              
Gore has no more bullets in his gun.                        
After millions of votes,                                    
The ultimate tote:                                          
It's Bush, by a majority of one. (Supreme Court 5 to 4)     
                                                            
54977 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Election 2000            



But when the decision is done,                              
The college selects number one,                             
The prez is installed,                                      
No more chad is recalled,                                   
And only the lawyers have won.                              
                                                            
54978 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



While we grappple with recounts and chads,                  
Our friends, north and south, have just had                 
Smooth-runnng elections,                                    
With little objection,                                      
And mandates that seem iron-clad.                           
                                                            
54979 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Election 2000            



Out with the old, in with the new;                          
Whatever's in vogue or suits you.                           
College electoral,                                          
Kiss my pectoral;                                           
Victim of this year's Republican coup.                      
                                                            
54980 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



The Republicans have no compunction                         
'Bout seeking a federal injunction.                         
The objection they've mounted:                              
Votes ought not be counted!                                 
A sad case of electile dysfunction                          
                                                            
54981 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    MrMalo                   



Propagandists may hem and may haw                           
And the talking head pundits can jaw,                       
But the tension that's mounting                             
Will end in full counting                                   
'Cause the judges call that "rule of law."                  
                                                            
54982 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    MrMalo                   



But which 'total count' will they use?                      
The one that the Democrats choose?                          
It seems plain to me                                        
That counts one, two and three,                             
All point out that Al Gore did lose.                        
                                                            
54983 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Jon Gearhart             



Those chads have now hit us en mass,                        
Which disturbs the two parties, alas!                       
But the winner's in clover,                                 
Since the loser bends over,                                 
And those chads are all shoved up his ass.                  
                                                            
54984 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Phil Cannibal       P0101



They swarmed in from the left and the right,                
And to many observer's delight,                             
Only tops of tall trees                                     
And a handful of keys,                                      
Will be seen when the state sinks from sight.               
                                                            
54985 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    William N Nesbit    P0101



If I were a Dem I'd be sore,                                
On the basis of chad on the floor,                          
And other facts (twisted)                                   
My party's insisted.                                        
ALL STUPID FOLKS VOTED FOR GORE!                            
                                                            
54986 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



Al Gore said, "I can't be behind!                           
There must be more votes we can find!"                      
The Supreme Court said, "Al,                                
We got news for ya, pal,                                    
The law says Bush wins; now you mind!"                      
                                                            
54987 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



The election is too close to call.                          
Please postpone the inaugural ball.                         
Let us pick someone quick;                                  
The suspense makes me sick.                                 
My erection is starting to fall.                            
                                                            
54988 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Mr B                     



There once was a fucker called Al                           
Who lost an election, cried "Foul!"                         
He wants counts until                                       
He ascends to the hill;                                     
Wish he knew how to throw in the towel.                     
                                                            
54989 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



Media pundits prattle inane.                                
Two years of presidential campaign,                         
Now past election date,                                     
Droning lawyer's debate.                                    
We aren't exactly popping champagne                         
                                                            
54990 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



Thousands of people, or more                                
Voted twice on one ballot, for Gore.                        
These ballots were tossed                                   
And so, their man lost                                      
The battle, if not the whole war.                           
                                                            
54991 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Dr Limerick  05-11-01    



I'm saddened, but shall not be bitter,                      
To see the vote thrown down the shitter.                    
(Though I had such high hopes                               
With Bush on the ropes,                                     
That Gore wouldn't be such a quitter.)                      
                                                            
54992 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



But in suits to discard absentees,                          
Because Goppers filled in the ID's,                         
Judges Lewis and Clark                                      
Dismissed and remarked                                      
We read voter intention with ease.                          
                                                            
54993 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Election 2000            



It's clear that a blunder was made;                         
The voting machines there in Dade                           
Were supposed to survive                                    
'Til November 5,                                            
Then see that Dem votes were mislaid.                       
                                                            
54994 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Dr Limerick  09-11-02    



The exit polls seldom do lie,                               
And they said Al Gore is our guy.                           
But who knows for certain                                   
With Floridians 'hind the curtain,                          
And chad that won't let loose and fly.                      
                                                            
54995 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



From the networks, here's news that will stun:              
Gore has Florida over and done...                           
Now it's too close to call;                                 
Now George has it all.                                      
Now we haven't a clue who has won!                          
                                                            
54996 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA    Prof M-G                 



The turmoil reeks of impropriety                            
Unheard of in civilized society.                            
In state governed by Jed                                    
The numbers ran red,                                        
Like the wine to quench "Dubya's" sobriety.                 
(Jed Bush - Governor of Florida)                            
54997 POLITICS - VOTING - FLORIDA                             



A clearly bemused Anita Hill,                               
Eyed pubic hair topping her swill.                          
"I make you this promise,                                   
If it's one from C. Thomas,                                 
That homeboy be needin' some skill."                        
                                                            
54998 POLITICS - WOMEN               John D.                  



The radical feminist, Bella                                 
Can filibuster a capella;                                   
She's begging us still                                      
To deliver her bill --                                      
Or for that matter, any young fella.                        
                                                            
54999 POLITICS - WOMEN               William F. Buckley  P8606



There was a male chauvinist pig,                            
Who bought a stuffed bra and a wig,                         
And started rehearsin',                                     
To be a chairperson,                                        
In case Bella Abzug won big.                                
                                                            
55000 POLITICS - WOMEN               John Ciardi              



Cynthia McKinney, a politician from Dekalb,                 
Caught much flak for her imbecilic blab.                    
Her brain sprung a leak,                                    
While trying to seek                                        
Attention.  My balls she can grab!                          
                                                            
55001 POLITICS - WOMEN                                        



"What have I done?", said Christine,                        
"I've ruined the party machine.                             
To lie in the nude                                          
Is not very rude,                                           
But to lie in the House is obscene."                        
(Christine Keeler caused PM J. Profumo to lie to Parliament)
55002 POLITICS - WOMEN               E O Parrot          G2294



Philanderer Congressman Condit                              
Denied it!  My word is my bond!  It                         
Turns out he was lying                                      
And now he's denying                                        
He knows where his lover's absconded.                       
                                                            
55003 POLITICS - WOMEN               Peter Wilkins            



A woman named Dolley cried, "Run!                           
Those Limeys are having their fun!                          
Though my week's washing burns                              
(As every child learns)                                     
I must try to save Washington.                              
                                                            
55004 POLITICS - WOMEN               Elaine Watson       P9502



It's a bit of an old sticky wicket,                         
The Democratic slate, should you pick it.                   
A rewarmed new deal!                                        
With real sex appeal!                                       
For they've gotten three boobs on one ticket.               
                                                            
55005 POLITICS - WOMEN               Arthur Deex         P8409



A pollster remarked with a shush,                           
The election may well be a push;                            
One highly does rate,                                       
One wins a debate --                                        
For a VP spot each has a Bush.                              
                                                            
55006 POLITICS - WOMEN               E E Potts         P8411  



There once was a man named Mondale                          
Who needed a person not male.                               
She must have big tits                                      
To satisfy Fritz --                                         
Not to mention some beaver for sale.                        
                                                            
55007 POLITICS - WOMEN               Bob Jones           P8411



For thirty-four years I've been married,                    
Droned Condidt to Chung, as they parried.                   
You ask if I'm moral?                                       
Without any quarrel,                                        
'Twas only with Chandra I tarried.                          
                                                            
55008 POLITICS - WOMEN               Peter Wilkins            



A lady who's running with Fritz                             
Revealed her finances by bits                               
With indignance abound;                                     
But Zaccaro came 'round;                                    
Maybe Gerry has more "cheek" than tits!                     
                                                            
55009 POLITICS - WOMEN               LaDonna Jones       P8411



There once was a woman named Gore                           
Whose husband in bed was a bore.                            
When asked what position                                    
She wished for coition,                                     
She said, "On the fellow next door."                        
                                                            
55010 POLITICS - WOMEN               Bob Giandomenico    P9103



A flighty young floozie named Bennett,                      
On checking her cunt's current tenant,                      
Found the randy old Governor                                
Was frantically shovenor,                                   
And waiting was half of the Senate.                         
                                                            
55011 POLITICS - WOMEN                                   G1741



Before Bill arrived at the top,                             
Hillary Rodham the "Rodham" did drop.                       
But after the election                                      
Hyphenated name erection                                    
Superceded a housekeeping mop.                              
                                                            
55012 POLITICS - WOMEN               Thomas G. Keller    P9507



Democracy -- a sham and a bore;                             
No-one cares if Dubya beats Gore.                           
If Hillary wins in NY,                                      
Folks there'd go "Oh my;"                                   
For a senator, they'd now have a whore.                     
                                                            
55013 POLITICS - WOMEN                                        



Like thunder, when heard from afar,                         
Roars our new Senatorial star --                            
When she's on the attack                                    
Old Bill just leans back                                    
And lights up his favorite cigar.                           
                                                            
55014 POLITICS - WOMEN               Rhymewriter              



Remember when Indira Gandhi                                 
Stopped off at a bar for a brandy?                          
Her sari was slit                                           
And exposed her left tit,                                   
And the barman yelled, "Jeez, ain't that handy!"            
                                                            
55015 POLITICS - WOMEN               Arthur Deex         P8112



I once plied Indira Ghandi                                  
With champagne on the rocks, laced with brandy.             
At first I was wary                                         
Of that slit in her sari,                                   
But it makes foreign relations quite handy.                 
                                                            
55016 POLITICS - WOMEN               Arthur Deex         P8311



An Attorney-General named Janet                             
Was the first girl AG on the planet.                        
And excepting for Waco                                      
And when the Boss was a fake-o,                             
Her facade was the picture of granite.                      
                                                            
55017 POLITICS - WOMEN               Don Hart                 



The Republicans at a convention,                            
Everyone can feel the high tension.                         
For Elizabeth Dole                                          
To raise Bob in the poll,                                   
For Bob she forgot to mention.                              
                                                            
55018 POLITICS - WOMEN               Erin Dowe                



Elizabeth's husband, Old Bob,                               
Was born with a very short knob.                            
But with Liz's deft hand,                                   
It could fully expand                                       
Till it looked more like corn on the cob!                   
                                                            
55019 POLITICS - WOMEN               Stan the Man             



Elizabeth said with a sob,                                  
"A man dropped his drawers on the job!"                     
But it wasn't Pres Billy                                    
That flashed his John Willy;                                
'Twas the knob of her old husband Bob!                      
                                                            
55020 POLITICS - WOMEN               Stan the Man             



A Republican named Robert Dole,                             
Was questioned regarding a poll.                            
Elizabeth, when asked                                       
Said "His pole is grotesque!",                              
Because of her humor so droll.                              
                                                            
55021 POLITICS - WOMEN               Big D                    



Folks called Mary Lincoln a shrew,                          
For she bullied the whole White House crew.                 
Said she, "I give you my pledge,                            
If he'd married Ann Rutledge,                               
You'd have Mrs. Douglas to rue!"                            
                                                            
55022 POLITICS - WOMEN               Elaine Watson       P9502



Bill said our taxes must grow                               
So redistribution can flow.                                 
But Nancy has said it                                       
And we won't forget it;                                     
When dealing with dopes, just say no.                       
                                                            
55023 POLITICS - WOMEN               Jim Weaver Collection    



When I'm plagued by microscopic bugs.                       
I am met with amused looks and shrugs,                      
When I state my position                                    
To any physician,                                           
"Nancy R. told me 'Say NO to drugs'."                       
                                                            
55024 POLITICS - WOMEN               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



Two women were scratched from the list:                     
Miss Adams, Ms. Walters (both hissed):                      
One'd mothered a bastard --                                 
She'd never be mastered;                                    
The other would never be missed.                            
                                                            
55025 POLITICS - WOMEN               Laurence Perrine    P8411



Our Congressmen we can't excuse,                            
For morals and trust they abuse.                            
To get out of this fix                                      
Elect those with no pricks,                                 
So their office they cannot misuse.                         
                                                            
55026 POLITICS - WOMEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-1854



On this Bible I'm happy to swear                            
I'll hire Ross's stylist for my hair,                       
And solemnly affirm                                         
That during my term,                                        
At gals with big tits I'll not stare.                       
                                                            
55027 POLITICS - WOMEN               Harry Rubin         P9301



When the First Lady whose name was Hillary,                 
Ordered agents to hold their artillery.                     
They tried other ways,                                      
But started a blaze,                                        
So she punished them all in the pillory.                    
                                                            
55028 POLITICS - WOMEN                                        



Politicians, it seems, always knock                         
Sex, alcohol, drugs, and rock.                              
But tobacco is fine,                                        
And so's beer and wine,                                     
And they'll rock any gal who likes cock!                    
                                                            
55029 POLITICS - WOMEN               Blowcephus          T9801



There's a note from Dick Morris that's shady.               
"Just arrived is a Diamond Jim Brady.                       
But our rooms are all filled                                
With the customers billed.                                  
Do you think you can spare the First Lady?"                 
                                                            
55030 POLITICS - WOMEN               David Finely        P9704



There once was a guy from New York,                         
Who had an eraser-sized dork.                               
With penis erected,                                         
When he got elected,                                        
A whore sucked his dork for some pork.                      
                                                            
55031 POLITICS - WOMEN               Jim Weaver Collection    



Al Gore's wife, the proper Miss Tipper,                     
Eschews talk that to some may be hipper.                    
Terms that are lewd                                         
Should not be valued,                                       
Lest our youth be induced to unzipper.                      
                                                            
55032 POLITICS - WOMEN               Thomas G. Keller    P9508



I'm amazed that we haven't heard more                       
From the Mrs. V.P., Tipper Gore,                            
Who never was able                                          
To put on the label                                         
A code to make album sales soar.                            
                                                            
55033 POLITICS - WOMEN               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



As election day nears, comes the push:                      
They exhort us to get off our tush,                         
But I say, what the hey,                                    
Why vote; either way                                        
We've got a vice-president "Bush."                          
(George Bush and Geraldine Ferraro)                         
55034 POLITICS - WOMEN               Robin K. Willoughby P8411



One wonders how Walter Mondale                              
Could be caused so severely to fail.                        
It could be that Gerry                                      
Was reputed to carry                                        
Crushed orchids around in a pail!                           
                                                            
55035 POLITICS - WOMEN               C. R. Openshaw      P8501



An ENT surgeon, immoral,                                    
Caused a strange matrimonial quarrel.                       
He, in deed cavalier,                                       
Screwed his wife's deaf left ear,                           
For he'd heard sex was good when 'twas aural.               
                                                            
55036 POSITIONS                      Derry Down Derry    P8711



A wild man who lives in Siberia                             
Preferred the approach posterior.                           
By his definition                                           
The missionary position                                     
Was awkward, perverse and inferior.                         
                                                            
55037 POSITIONS                      Norm Brust               



Spurned by high-flying acrobat Claire,                      
The wolfish lout slicked back his hair                      
And foretold with a leer,                                   
To all who could hear,                                      
"She'll soon have a crack up in midair."                    
                                                            
55038 POSITIONS                      Chris Kocsis        P9103



A girl who was quitting the Hyatt                           
Announced to her boss, Mr. Wyatt,                           
"I've found my ambition -                                   
A great new position."                                      
He said, "Close the door and let's try it."                 
                                                            
55039 POSITIONS                      David Miller        P8208



"What happened between you and Clyde,                       
Who made love to you one night outside                      
In the hammock?" asked Sue.                                 
"Oh, I thought you knew.                                    
We fell out," Henrietta replied.                            
                                                            
55040 POSITIONS                      A. N. Wilkins       P8405



An adulterous housewife from Crete,                         
In screwing was very discreet;                              
When she had an affair,                                     
She would fuck in the chair,                                
So her bed would remain very neat.                          
                                                            
55041 POSITIONS                      Cap'n Bean          P0107



An odd fellow from old Navaronne,                           
Had accomplished by methods unknown,                        
A bizarre new position                                      
That involved micturition,                                  
But no one has yet asked to be shown.                       
                                                            
55042 POSITIONS                      Robert Elliot            



The agile contortionist Burgess                             
Said, "Dear, I've a new way to merge us.                    
They contorted a knot                                       
Which was drawn up so taut,                                 
That the church bells are now tolling dirges."              
                                                            
55043 POSITIONS                      Albin Chaplin   3024-0659



Said the pedantic, romantic technician,                     
"Cotion's gross juxtaposition.                              
Such a bestial antic                                        
Should drive a girl frantic...                              
Paradoxically, it's her LIFE MISSION!"                      
                                                            
55044 POSITIONS                      Grand Prix Lim  928      



I sit here, my legs strangely angled.                       
My ankles are feeling quite strangled,                      
In a pose they call lotus.                                  
Please call Dr. Otis;                                       
Perhaps he can get me untangled.                            
                                                            
55045 POSITIONS                      Tiddy                    



Before you untangle your body,                              
Let me check out your little roddy.                         
I say!  That's quite nice!                                  
A lovely device!                                            
Perhaps we can do something naughty?                        
                                                            
55046 POSITIONS                                               



Said a young bride in search of new kicks,                  
"I'm tired of the usual tricks;                             
We've tried 69,                                             
And although it is fine,                                    
Tonight dear, let's try 96!"                                
                                                            
55047 POSITIONS                      Norm Storer              



A man in a rut had Miss Brown;                              
His routine in bed caused a frown.                          
One more session in bed                                     
And she broke down and said,                                
"No more I'll take this lying down!"                        
                                                            
55048 POSITIONS                      Albin Chaplin            



Ah, "Beds", now there is a word                             
As useful as any I've heard.                                
The oyster's are moister                                    
In whorehouse or cloister,                                  
And sex in a rose bed's absurd.                             
                                                            
55049 POSITIONS                                               



There was an old person of Dover                            
Who rushed through a field of blue clover;                  
But some very large bees                                    
Stung his elbows and knees.                                 
His missionary days are all over.                           
                                                            
55050 POSITIONS                      Edwardian Leer 048  P9306



When Harry acquired great HEFT,                             
His Olive Oyl sweetie quick left,                           
Declined to be at                                           
Where she'd be squashed flat.                               
Now lonely, poor Harry's bereft.                            
                                                            
55051 POSITIONS                      Chris Papa               



Which goes to show the condition                            
Of folks who are damned to perdition.                       
In a dreary world caught                                    
'Cause no one had taught                                    
Other than Missionary Position.                             
                                                            
55052 POSITIONS                      Chris Papa               



Young Rene, she wanted a lay,                               
She invited a boy home to play.                             
While they fucked on the table,                             
They found it unstable,                                     
So they finished and threw it away.                         
                                                            
55053 POSITIONS                      Anon                     



A certain young fellow named Kelly                          
Screwed his girlfriend on top of the telly.                 
Ignoring the drama,                                         
He'd rama and rama,                                         
While she watched the show on her belly.                    
                                                            
55054 POSITIONS                                               



When to his bitch he went dashin',                          
He found her in heat; i.e. passion.                         
They were both hot-to-trot,                                 
Of course, and why not?                                     
They wanted it to be "people fashion."                      
                                                            
55055 POSITIONS                      Ed Wolfert          P8306



My husband was married before                               
To a witch who's a consummate bore;                         
But she did train him right.                                
He makes dinner each night,                                 
With a roll on the table or floor.                          
                                                            
55056 POSITIONS                      Ann Gasser          P9311



"With my wife pronovalent," said Drew,                      
"And with me stasivalent, we knew   (only screw standing)   
On the night we were married                                
That our plans had miscarried                               
And that we're destined never to screw."                    
(pronovalent - able to only screw prone)                    
55057 POSITIONS                      A. N. Wilkins       P8801



Some intriguing sex modes of Penticton,                     
Although seldom the kind to convict on,                     
Do include one or two                                       
Of the sort that a few                                      
Of the townsfolk are overly strict on.                      
                                                            
55058 POSITIONS                      Keith MacMillan      104a



Dear Ann, I've a fire that smoulders.                       
I'm eager for lifting great boulders.                       
Pretend they're your thighs                                 
And just close your eyes...                                 
I'll lift them to over your shoulders.                      
                                                            
55059 POSITIONS                      Michael Polo        P8909



A husband came into the kitchen                             
And said, "Honey I'm itchin'                                
For a new position                                          
In our next coition;                                        
The thought of it starts my log twitchin'!"                 
                                                            
55060 POSITIONS                      Jeanie                   



His wife said, "You may be right, sweetheart.               
And I know just where we should start.                      
You stand by the sink                                       
And make dishes clink.                                      
I'll sit on the sofa and fart.                              
                                                            
55061 POSITIONS                      Jeanie                   



If Malthus in his propositions                              
Was right about crowded conditions,                         
Then for sex, we must say,                                  
We will screw in one way;                                   
There'll be no room to change our positions.                
                                                            
55062 POSITIONS                      Albin Chaplin   3024-2757



Asleep after she had been fed,                              
I proceeded to position my head.                            
Before she awoke,                                           
I gave her a poke,                                          
And then blew a load on the bed!                            
                                                            
55063 POSITIONS                      Limberick                



I think I will take a short rest;                           
We have all night, this is not a test.                      
And when I recover,                                         
We'll try to discover                                       
Which of the ways we like best!                             
                                                            
55064 POSITIONS                      Kaylin                   



You're wishing to ride my large dong?                       
Well, hop on and pump hard and strong,                      
'Cause my pecker's erect                                    
And I'm horny as heck --                                    
I've enough here to ride all night long!                    
                                                            
55065 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



I'm crushed and I may not recover                           
From boffing my heavyset lover;                             
However, if I                                               
Recoup, I might try                                         
To offer to boff her above her.                             
                                                            
55066 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Travis Brasell           



Loretta is randy and hot;                                   
She loves to rub choad in her twat.                         
When she grinds her muff                                    
Way down on my stuff,                                       
Her 38 C's bounce a lot.                                    
                                                            
55067 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Jim Weaver Collection    



All sweaty with titties a-bouncing!                         
Your quimmy all oozy and pouncing!                          
This angle too soft?                                        
Go on, break it off!                                        
Just give me the ultimate flouncing!                        
                                                            
55068 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            H                        



That's one lovely tool you have there;                      
I am glad you have chosen to share.                         
Your hips I will straddle,                                  
And ride you sans saddle,                                   
And feel you buck and thrust like a mare                    
                                                            
55069 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



They'll be pert and quite ready for suckin',                
And your puss will be juicy for fuckin'.                    
And as we reminisce                                         
About our first kiss,                                       
You'll be ridin' my horsey, a-buckin'                       
                                                            
55070 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



The women, Australian, take pride                           
In being a DOWN UNDER bride.                                
But when passions grow,                                     
UP OVER they go                                             
So DOWN UNDER men they can ride.                            
                                                            
55071 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Irving Superior     P8611



I've never really felt inferior                             
Being had by a "female superior."                           
When she's riding on top                                    
I'll only make her stop                                     
If I want to finish in her posterior.                       
                                                            
55072 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



But then sleep never comes really quick;                    
A warm soapy rag oft does the trick.                        
For if I drift off                                          
After such a boff,                                          
I may awaken with shit on the stick.                        
                                                            
55073 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



In Melbourne it may be a blunder                            
To tell a he-man that you wonder                            
If it seems a bit wry                                       
To know when a guy,                                         
When he rogers a girl, is down under.                       
                                                            
55074 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            A. N. Wilkins       P8611



With my face in your tits, I'm in love,                     
Especially when you're riding above.                        
You moan with such class,                                   
When I play with your ass,                                  
And your coo's are just like a dove.                        
                                                            
55075 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            M Foster                 



For smart girls, a matter of pride                          
Is to keep sand from scratching their hide.                 
When climax they reach,                                     
On a moonlit beach,                                         
They do it while riding astride.                            
                                                            
55076 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Frank Fazed              



She felt sleepy, but later I woke her,                      
I said, "Cherie, I want to polka."                          
And she really let rip                                      
When I opened my zip,                                       
As she cunningly straddled my joker.                        
                                                            
55077 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Peter Wilkins            



How I smile when I think of Charmaine;                      
When on top, she can go like a train.                       
And this female express                                     
Would outrun even Bess,                                     
If I don't let the train take the strain.                   
                                                            
55078 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Tiddy Ogg                



Charmaine often makes fellows wait,                         
(Or so report many a date,)                                 
She'll bounce on their dong,                                
But takes far too long,                                     
Like trains, man, she often comes late.                     
                                                            
55079 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Tiddy Ogg                



I'd still take Charmaine over Shirley,                      
Who only comes once and too early.                          
When doing a boff                                           
From on top she gets off,                                   
So quick I'm left loaded and surly.                         
                                                            
55080 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            John Miller              



On the coast of the Indian Ocean,                           
She smothered his boner with lotion;                        
Then she straddled his rod,                                 
And she coaxed out his wad                                  
With a highly elaborate motion.                             
                                                            
55081 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Cap'n Bean               



I think that on top might be best.                          
'Cause, look - then your hair won't get messed.             
It does not look easy                                       
And might make me queasy.                                   
I'm not putting THAT to the test.                           
                                                            
55082 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



A lady returned with remorse                                
From a trip to the land of the Norse.                       
It was not to her liking                                    
To be fucked by a Viking,                                   
Who had failed to dismount from his horse.                  
                                                            
55083 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0751



A Rice business major named Clyde                           
Told his date as he slid it inside,                         
"I'd much rather you'd hop                                  
On and function atop,                                       
Than to lie there while I am astride."                      
                                                            
55084 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Arthur Deex         P0112



My Pappy, when I was a pup,                                 
Every night gave advice 'fore we'd sup:                     
"When you're riding a while,                                
Don't omit doggie style,                                    
And for God's sake, son, please don't fuck up!"             
                                                            
55085 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



What's that? "Don't fuck up", said your pop?                
I hope that does not make you stop                          
Your playing around,                                        
With your back to the ground;                               
It's good with the lady on top.                             
                                                            
55086 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



When Sue from her clothing is freed,                        
She loves using me as a steed.                              
She jiggles and wriggles,                                   
And bounces and giggles                                     
Like a kangaroo dosed up on speed.                          
                                                            
55087 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Tiddy Ogg                



A gorgeous young girl from Spokane                          
Was broiling her ass for a tan --                           
On the sand, in the sun,                                    
All the while having fun,                                   
On top of some satisfied man.                               
                                                            
55088 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Armand E Singer       144



You lick me a bit 'round the choad,                         
And whip up a frightful large load.                         
When "Waitress!" I scream,                                  
Sit tight on my stream,                                     
Then serve me your pie "a la mode."                         
                                                            
55089 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



There was a young girl from Dundee                          
Who fancied she gave too much free.                         
Her young man felt a pang                                   
When he heard her harangue,                                 
He lay back and said, "This one's on me."                   
                                                            
55090 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Albin Chaplin 3024  P8707



He went out with the fat Mrs Pate.                          
Went to bed 'cause they both couldn't wait.                 
Their breathing, it quickened.                              
Then he was so sickened,                                    
As he died underneath the wet date.                         
                                                            
55091 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Tom Patton          P0209



You prefer on the bottom, you say?                          
Just here, or for rolls in the hay?                         
Up or down, side by side,                                   
I am glad to oblige;                                        
"When in Rome" as my lady doth say.                         
                                                            
55092 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Joe Long                 



Deb climbs onto Tom when they boff.                         
She grips him so tight he can't doff                        
Her. Once while she clung                                   
She said Tom was dung --                                    
So he told her just where to get off.                       
                                                            
55093 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE                                     



A lusty young woman named Ida                               
Told her lover as he slid it inside her,                    
"Wouldn't you rather be                                     
Underneath as 'ridee'                                       
Than on top in the role of the rider?"                      
                                                            
55094 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Grand Prix Lim  714 P0112



There was an effete lazy fop                                
Who preferred all his women on top.                         
He said, "I'm no jerk,                                      
Let them do the work.                                       
But if I get pregnant, I'll stop.                           
                                                            
55095 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Isaac Asimov             



Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,                      
Said. "I should do this more than daily!                    
Jogging, tennis, and a swim                                 
Will keep me in trim,                                       
But bonking on top is my main glee!                         
                                                            
55096 POSITIONS - ASTRIDE            Hurricane NZ             



A young missionary named Kyle                               
Sat his dog down to talk for awhile.                        
He began, "My wife's wishin'                                
To change our position,                                     
And said she admired your style."                           
                                                            
55097 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Anon                     



Last evening I gave her a smile;                            
She noticed it stuck out a mile.                            
Pretty soon, in the dark,                                   
We both started to bark;                                    
Don't y'all love that ole Doggy style?                      
                                                            
55098 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Frank                    



A dog-fashion fucker named Nellie,                          
Said she never screwed belly to belly.                      
"On my back there's no feeling,                             
All I see is the ceiling.                                   
And I miss all the good shows on Telly."                    
                                                            
55099 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Albin Chaplin            



A young girl from North Carolina                            
Let the boys come inside her vagina.                        
"You can say all you want                                   
About fondness for cunt,                                    
But with dog-fashion, nothing feels finer."                 
                                                            
55100 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Actaeon                  



Said the convert to Pope Constantine,                       
As he knelt at the Vatican shrine,                          
"Please advise your position                                
On connubial coition."                                      
Said the Pope, "I find dog-fashion fine."                   
                                                            
55101 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2954



There was a Young lassie named Wainwright                   
Who enjoyed the position a dog might.                       
Over her shoulder she found,                                
When she looked around,                                     
A whole new meaning for hindsight.                          
                                                            
55102 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                                   



To spice up his sex life, young John                        
Said, "Darling, new plans I have drawn.                     
We will try it dog-fashion."                                
But she said with face ashen,                               
"You will never get me on the lawn."                        
                                                            
55103 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Albin Chaplin   3024-0715



Said the groom to the blushing young bride,                 
"There is something I have to confide:                      
At the height of my passion                                 
I prefer it dog-fashion,                                    
So bend over and pooch out your back-side!"                 
                                                            
55104 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                             G1042a



She taught me to sit up and beg,                            
While I'd rather bury my peg.                               
But every day                                               
I do get to play,                                           
By wrapping my paws round her leg.                          
                                                            
55105 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                                   



There once was a fellow named Greg                          
With designs on a young lass named Meg.                     
"Let's do it doggy style,"                                  
He said with a smile,                                       
So she made him sit up and beg.                             
                                                            
55106 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Tyrone spied a mighty fine bitch;                           
He asked her if she'd scratch his itch.                     
The whore dropped her drawers,                              
And got down on all fours,                                  
And they fucked like two dogs in a ditch.                   
                                                            
55107 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Mustafa X                



These newlyweds stripped in the dark.                       
He said, "Let's screw like dogs in the park."               
"I've heard of this before;                                 
I'll get down on all fours,                                 
But tell me when I'm supposed to bark!"                     
                                                            
55108 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Laurence Craft           



Last night, in the height of great passion,                 
I said: "How about doggie fashion?"                         
She said: "You are sick,                                    
Try and lick your own dick,                                 
All you'll get is, you'll end up in traction."              
                                                            
55109 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                                   



The girl was from Greece. Turkish, he.                      
And each looked at each amorously.                          
When off they to bed,                                       
He, "doggie style" said                                     
In Turkish and she, "That's Greek to me."                   
                                                            
55110 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Irving Superior     P9911



A young girl from North Carolina,                           
Let her dogs come inside her vagina.                        
You can say what you want,                                  
'Bout their fondness for cunt,                              
But doggie-style, nothing feels finer.                      
                                                            
55111 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Actaeon                  



There once was a fellow named Og                            
Who just fell in love with his dog.                         
With a pet-loving smile,                                    
They'd screw doggie-style,                                  
Which is better than screwing a Wog.                        
                                                            
55112 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Jim Weaver Collection    



A true convert of canine grand-prix,                        
The old bitch was finally man-free.                         
The stoop doggy-style,                                      
Did suit her awhile,                                        
Till she saw my prick hang past my knee.                    
                                                            
55113 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Christopher Kraft        



I love you my lucious delectable                            
Lover; you make mine erectable                              
So please now bend over,                                    
I'll do you like rover,                                     
Once I find the hole that's injectable.                     
                                                            
55114 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Jon Gearhart             



"We're deriving no pleasure at all,                         
While screwing dog fashion", cried Paul.                    
But they make no transition                                 
To the Missionary Position,                                 
'Cause they're watching Monday Night Football.              
                                                            
55115 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          The Sailor          P0311



Just wiggle your little behind,                             
And before you can blink, you will find                     
Yourself down on your knees                                 
And your hands, if you please,                              
For a furious doggy-style grind.                            
                                                            
55116 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                                   



"My Arthur's gone kinky," said Peg.                         
"'I want doggy fashion', he'd beg.                          
At last I agreed;                                           
He coked his leg, peed,                                     
And then started humping my leg."                           
                                                            
55117 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Tiddy                    



In the dark while going doggie style,                       
Good moves bring an ear to ear smile.                       
But proceed with due care,                                  
'Cause I've been made aware                                 
Misplaced inches can feel like a mile.                      
                                                            
55118 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Anon                     



Oh Honey, I got your love letter,                           
And Damn, I just couldn't be wetter!                        
But don't be in alt;                                        
It isn't your fault.                                        
I've been peed on by my Irish Setter.                       
                                                            
55119 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Marty Lewis              



Oh Honey, you just made me smile;                           
But that only lasted a while.                               
For now you will find,                                      
This wasn't in mind                                         
When writing about "doggy style."                           
                                                            
55120 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          SFA                      



Oh Honey, it's dog style you need?                          
Then just like my setter, proceed                           
To sit up and beg                                           
And then hump my leg,                                       
But never quite do the real deed.                           
                                                            
55121 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Marty Lewis              



I too have been feeling quite groggy;                       
My brain has been scattered and foggy.                      
I think what I'm needin'                                    
Is just a hard breedin',                                    
And you've offered one with style of doggie.                
                                                            
55122 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                                   



There's a lithesome young lady from Luxor                   
In a bagnio who men pay big bucks for.                      
She'e so nimbly adept                                       
In all postures except                                      
Doggie Style makes her knees and her knucks sore.           
                                                            
55123 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Bob Giandomenico    P9206



Do not throw out these rules in the bin;                    
The consequences are (when you just grin)                   
Like with this young Yuppie --                              
His girl got a puppy,                                       
From the position she was in!                               
                                                            
55124 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Jojo                     



A man, who we really can't name,                            
Who brought "Dog Fashion" to fame,                          
Realized (with a smile)                                     
That by using that style,                                   
He could screw while still watching the game!               
                                                            
55125 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                                   



A hillbilly from Carolina                                   
Married a cute girl from China.                             
She likes to screw                                          
The way dogs do,                                            
So he spends lots of time behind her!                       
                                                            
55126 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Rednecks are simple, you see;                               
Preferring Budweiser to tea.                                
Doggy style's the way                                       
They do it Sunday;                                          
So they can both watch the TV.                              
                                                            
55127 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE                                   



A jocular joker named Clayte                                
Said, "Broads shy away from my weight,                      
So to soothe the old passion                                
We do it dog fashion,                                       
While watching TV, Man, it's great!"                        
                                                            
55128 POSITIONS - DOG STYLE          Grand Prix Lim  578      



When Sally has time for her pleasure,                       
She ties herself up with a tether,                          
Which holds her in limbo,                                   
With legs spread akimbo,                                    
So men can dip in at their leisure.                         
                                                            
55129 POSITIONS - HANGING            Tim Chimera              



If it's S and or M that you're after,                       
May I suggest that you hang from a rafter,                  
A kit to suspend                                            
Her little rear end,                                        
And provide hours and hours of laughter.                    
                                                            
55130 POSITIONS - HANGING            I R Canuck               



I'm counting on your innovation                             
To stop any sexual stagnation.                              
Is there just one more twist                                
That we might have missed?                                  
In our quest for Best Fornication.                          
                                                            
55131 POSITIONS - HANGING            Peter Wilkins            



I've many more twists -- an idea:                           
Let me swing from your gilt chandelier.                     
If you lie on your back,                                    
I'll take aim at your crack                                 
And impale you, dear, on my spear.                          
                                                            
55132 POSITIONS - HANGING            Karen                    



Then we'll swing with the greateest of ease                 
Through a hundred and eighty degrees.                       
As I suck on your nips,                                     
Keep a grip with your lips                                  
'Round my pecker and give it a squeeze.                     
                                                            
55133 POSITIONS - HANGING            Peter Wilkins            



Now hanging in doorways ain't bad;                          
T'was where some of the best fun was had!                   
At night the shops shut,                                    
And there's many a slut,                                    
Giving head to a horny young lad!                           
                                                            
55134 POSITIONS - HANGING            Jayne                    



But we're open now; please clear the door,                  
Or the shoppers can't come in the store.                    
After closing you may                                       
Use the stoop any way,                                      
When the horny young lad's back for more.                   
                                                            
55135 POSITIONS - HANGING            Karen                    



I was just having some fun;                                 
I don't think that you were the one,                        
And we sold our store.                                      
I don't care any more,                                      
But it does make a shop hard to run.                        
                                                            
55136 POSITIONS - HANGING            Karen                    



If you want to have sex that's profound,                    
Then try the position I found.                              
Grab the fan on the ceiling                                 
With your legs -- what a feeling,                           
As it spins you around and around.                          
                                                            
55137 POSITIONS - HANGING            Travis Brasel            



There was a young lady named Beard,                         
Went back to the town she was reared.                       
And fronted and floored                                     
And up-against-the-doored...                                
And once in a while -- chandeliered!                        
                                                            
55138 POSITIONS - HANGING            H Myers             T9801



The best way's position fourteen;                           
You're aware of the one that I mean?                        
It involves chandeliers                                     
Harness, pulleys and gears,                                 
And increases the tension between...                        
                                                            
55139 POSITIONS - HANGING            Peter Wilkins            



...Us until you're a quivering heap                         
And you lose all control as I leap                          
On your bones with a shout.                                 
Stop squirming about                                        
And get into position.  Now keep...                         
                                                            
55140 POSITIONS - HANGING            Peter Wilkins            



...Yourself still as I aim for your rear.                   
GERONIMO! Here comes my spear!                              
Like a heat-seeking missle...                               
Damn! Hear that whistle                                     
As WHOOSH, I misfire in your ear.                           
                                                            
55141 POSITIONS - HANGING            Peter Wilkins            



There once was a physicist, Bill,                           
Who thought of a new way to drill;                          
He'd harness his balls                                      
And hang from the walls,                                    
A weightless and dangerous thrill!                          
                                                            
55142 POSITIONS - HANGING            Mark Levy           P9707



There was once a fellow from Turkey,                        
Whose taste in sex was quite QUIRKY.                        
His wife held her tongue                                    
As upside-down she hung,                                    
But it made her quite nervous and jerky.                    
                                                            
55143 POSITIONS - HANGING            Norm Brust               



There was a young fellow named Yost                         
Who said that his girl was the most.                        
Although she was half-blind,                                
In a wheel-chair confined,                                  
She was had as she hung on a post.                          
                                                            
55144 POSITIONS - HANGING            Albin Chaplin            



The man of a young girl named Glover                        
Attempted a new way to love her.                            
She was held by a 'copter,                                  
But the poor pilot dropped her,                             
And it took him a month to recover.                         
                                                            
55145 POSITIONS - HANGING            Albin Chaplin            



A killer dwarf came from Stavanger;                         
He'd take a whore home, then he'd hang her                  
In the hall, on a nail,                                     
Then he'd stand on a pail,                                  
From which height he'd happily bang her.                    
                                                            
55146 POSITIONS - HANGING            Tiddy Ogg                



A dwarf wed a giantess, Randall,                            
And the way they made love was a scandal.                   
For instead of a bed                                        
With a pail on her head,                                    
They screwed as he swung from the handle.                   
                                                            
55147 POSITIONS - HANGING            Bob Giandomenico    P8712



A hasty young lady named Gore                               
No longer could wait any more.                              
By her man tall and handsome,                               
She was had through a transom;                              
There was no time to unlock the door.                       
                                                            
55148 POSITIONS - HANGING            Albin Chaplin            



There was a young whore in Nantasket                        
Who would fuck (for a price) in a basket.                   
She could make it spin 'round,                              
And jounce up and down,                                     
While her client below blew his gasket.                     
                                                            
55149 POSITIONS - HANGING                                G0705



Although it is quite nice to vary,                          
Some of those positions are scary --                        
I prefer to ride                                            
Nice and easy, astride,                                     
Or the comfortable old missionary!                          
                                                            
55150 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



An experiened lecher from Mission                           
Was describing the arts of coition.                         
Said an aging old pop,                                      
"I just lays on top."                                       
Cried the lecher, "A brand new position!"                   
                                                            
55151 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Hugh Oliver         A053A



On my back, with my legs in the air,                        
As you search among my pubic hair,                          
I sure do take pride                                        
At the treasure inside;                                     
Come and get it, dear Snooks, if you dare --                
                                                            
55152 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



With physique resembling a loach,                           
'Twas only her rear I could broach;                         
But often, my sweet,                                        
For a change and a treat,                                   
I would rather the frontal approach.                        
                                                            
55153 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



Well, not only the female physique                          
Can surprise; Though with clever technique                  
He would charm her real quique                              
His most honored Yang Peaque,                               
Was so small and incredibly weaque.                         
                                                            
55154 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



A lady who favors coition,                                  
Has invented the spaceship position.                        
She lies down with ease,                                    
And pulls up her knees,                                     
And hollers, "Lift off!" and "Ignition!"                    
                                                            
55155 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



At last, a returning young bimbo                            
Who wasted some time with old Jimbo.                        
She's now on her back                                       
And offering her crack,                                     
With both of her legs out, akimbo.                          
                                                            
55156 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



There once was a fellow called Keith                        
Who was getting quite long in the teeth.                    
In the mission position,                                    
He bowed to tradition,                                      
But was much more relaxed underneath.                       
                                                            
55157 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Dick Hedger              



A young ape, very bright, but quite hairy,                  
Was brought up in a strict seminary.                        
When he grew up and found                                   
Time for messing around,                                    
The position was pure missionary.                           
                                                            
55158 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         William N. Nesbit   P9701



A preacher, just back from a mission,                       
Admitted with pious contrition                              
That he'd failed as a priest                                
To save souls--but at least,                                
He had taught them a brand-new position.                    
                                                            
55159 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Norm Storer         P9612



A rugged young lady named Good                              
Stood up to a man in the wood.                              
They could see where his knees                              
Skinned the bark off the trees,                             
For she stood a lot more than he could.                     
                                                            
55160 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Albin Chaplin   3024-0700



'Missionary Position' will stop                             
When women find their niche on top.                         
When erections go                                           
(Man's greatest blow)                                       
You'll find you're a lollypop.                              
                                                            
55161 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Irving Superior     P8808



Said the Pussy Galore of Brunswick,                         
"When asked for my preference, I pick                       
The old family position                                     
For big bouts of coition,                                   
But some fellows just give it a lick..."                    
                                                            
55162 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Grand Prix Lim  721      



We've been told since the old days of yore,                 
Woman's place is supine, evermore,                          
While the man moves above,                                  
All the while they make love.                               
Did this come from some old hazy lore?                      
                                                            
55163 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Bob Giandomenico    P0308



When caught fucking boys near the mission,                  
The chief heard the threat of perdition.                    
Seems the previous priest                                   
(A buggering beast)                                         
Told him this was the missionary position.                  
                                                            
55164 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's an idea that's a gas;                                
A cure for the bored, humping lass.                         
Before you make love,                                       
Tack a mirror above,                                        
Then count all the bumps on his ass.                        
                                                            
55165 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



This ceiling is lumpy and weird.                            
I pondered, as at it I peered.                              
A zillion small bumps                                       
To count while he humps --                                  
Not very much fun, I'm afeared.                             
                                                            
55166 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



His butt is as bumpy as bark.                               
It'd be fun to count every mark                             
I'd better learn Braille,                                   
A "mirror count" would fail:                                
He'll only have sex in the dark.                            
                                                            
55167 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



Well girls if you want us to jump                           
To attention while having a hump,                           
Try squirming around                                        
With a whimpering sound,                                    
'Stead of lying inert like a lump.                          
                                                            
55168 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



I did try to squirm all around                              
But that just caused trouble. I found.                      
It threw off his aim,                                       
And I got the blame                                         
When his juices went on the ground.                         
                                                            
55169 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



Last time that we both hit the sack                         
I painfully sprained my dear back;                          
For to pleasure my love                                     
Tried to squirm like above.                                 
Writhe with pain now - the damned bed went CRACK!           
                                                            
55170 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY                                  



Sweet Sally is best when supine                             
With a pillow placed under her spine,                       
To improve the gyration                                     
Of counter rotation                                         
And twists in the old bump-and-grind.                       
                                                            
55171 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         John Miller              



Our usual starting position                                 
Finds me wishing I were a magician,                         
Who could turn you to glass,                                
From your head to your ass.                                 
Then at least I could watch television.                     
                                                            
55172 POSITIONS - MISSIONARY         Pierce Evans             



Of sexual themes multifarious,                              
'Tis true that many are AERIOUS,                            
And some that exploit                                       
Skills of the adroit,                                       
But others are simply hilarious.                            
                                                            
55173 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             J'Carlin                 



A Japanese man, name of Hideo,                              
Spent a night with a whore, for his libido.                 
He practiced coition                                        
In every position,                                          
Whilst recording it all on his video.                       
                                                            
55174 POSITIONS - MOTLEY                                      



There was a young woman named Cora Lee,                     
Who said, "I will do it immorally.                          
On top and on bottom,                                       
Any way that I've got 'em,                                  
Vaginally, anally, orally."                                 
                                                            
55175 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Isaac Asimov             



A rounded young love of Belle Air,                          
Laid guys on the floor, bed or chair,                       
In the breakfast nook, kitchen                              
Or parlor she'd pitch in...                                 
If the guy had the cash, who should care?                   
                                                            
55176 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Grand Prix Lim  517      



She first met a man for some action.                        
His foreplay gave her satisfaction.                         
They enjoyed coition                                        
In the strangest position;                                  
His femur is now up in traction.                            
                                                            
55177 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Stephen Cordwell         



A clever young cockster named Vinal                         
Invented positions: synclinal,                              
Head down, with legs high,                                  
And God knows just why,                                     
The ultimate: cerebrospinal!                                
                                                            
55178 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Armand E Singer       383



Did you your desire ever sate,                              
Attempting position one eight?                              
Or was it just fine                                         
In position nine --                                         
And then did his passion deflate?                           
                                                            
55179 POSITIONS - MOTLEY                                      



Bells and whistles and tooters,                             
Airline strikes and stranded commuters,                     
Politics and science                                        
And a lot of defiance,                                      
But mostly just pussy and hooters                           
                                                            
55180 POSITIONS - MOTLEY                                      



A seven foot tall lady angler                               
Fell in love with a bucking horse wrangler.                 
They attempted to court                                     
But the bunk was too short;                                 
In the morning they couldn't untangle her.                  
                                                            
55181 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



A childless old fellow named Otis                           
Just served his dear wifemate due notice:                   
She must try new positions                                  
To increase his emissions,                                  
Like missionary or lotus.                                   
                                                            
55182 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Armand E Singer       875



There was a young lady named May                            
When queried on ways she did play,                          
She replied, "Twenty four,                                  
And there aren't any more."                                 
She forgot the American way.                                
                                                            
55183 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Albin Chaplin            



A skillful professional wench                               
Is one who'd on no account blench                           
At active coition                                           
In any position,                                            
Including the Greek and the French.                         
                                                            
55184 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Isaac Asimov             



An amorous fellow named Bart                                
Was pressing his girl to his heart.                         
She remarked in a daze,                                     
"Will you love me always?"                                  
He said, "Yes! Tell me how shall I start?"                  
                                                            
55185 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Albin Chaplin   3024-1944



Sexual positions are fun                                    
With who, where, and how they are done.                     
I know quite a few;                                         
I'm sure you do to.                                         
Please join me in trying each one.                          
                                                            
55186 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Jon Gearhart             



A curious cunter named Jay                                  
Screwed newly-found fillies each day,                       
In varied positions,                                        
Revealing ambitions                                         
To waste not that sun, which makes hay.                     
                                                            
55187 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Armand E Singer       300



To his concubine Percy cried, "Toots!                       
Let's make love by circuitous routes.                       
You jump on the bed                                         
And stand on your head,                                     
While I show you why all men are brutes!"                   
                                                            
55188 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Guy Wernham         P9306



An amorous monster named Biddle                             
Admitted he did love to diddle,                             
But added, "In reference                                    
To sexual preference,                                       
Most anything goes, near the middle."                       
                                                            
55189 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Armand E Singer       913



Sex is so boring, I find;                                   
I lay on my back and just grind.                            
A new variation                                             
Could renew my elation,                                     
So suggest one and come blow my mind.                       
                                                            
55190 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Countrygirl              



My fav is the woman on top;                                 
That way on her nips I will sop.                            
Bumping and grinding,                                       
Her screaming no minding,                                   
Feels so good I will not stop.                              
                                                            
55191 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Toolman                  



Turn her over and around as in Greek;                       
My hand gives a slap to each cheek.                         
Her eyes roll back;                                         
Orgasm on track;                                            
That's the ninth one this week!                             
                                                            
55192 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Toolman                  



Only nine orgasms in a week?                                
I don't call it all very sleek.                             
Give me the power;                                          
I'll have dozens an hour;                                   
Lose count before I lose my peak.                           
                                                            
55193 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Toocurious               



The cunt of a cutie in Niles                                
Attracts all the cocksmen for miles.                        
She likes her coition                                       
In any position,                                            
Except in the rear (she has piles!)                         
                                                            
55194 POSITIONS - MOTLEY                                 G1024



At a contest, a lady named Cog                              
Took part in a quiz dialogue.                               
Asked what fashions she knew,                               
She replied she knew two --                                 
One was Paris, the other was dog.                           
                                                            
55195 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Albin Chaplin   3024-2086



There was a young lady from Otley,                          
Whose boy friends were varied and motley,                   
Who had had her first                                       
And who first, reversed,                                    
Were questions debated quite hotly.                         
                                                            
55196 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Prof M-G                 



In considering active coition,                              
Good girls scorn to impose a condition.                     
They let it be known                                        
They have be to be shown,                                   
To adopt any wanted position.                               
                                                            
55197 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Isaac Asimov             



A Rice business major named Fred                            
Said to Jill as she stood on her head,                      
"I'd much rather lie                                        
Looking up at the sky                                       
Than upend with my face turning red."                       
                                                            
55198 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Arthur Deex         P0112



On top...imdermeath...half suspended...                     
Karma Sutra and Western all blended...                      
I found she was best                                        
When at her behest,                                         
I had her, while standing, up-ended.                        
                                                            
55199 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             John Miller              



While fucking his girlfriend, Max Jopp,                     
The bus driver, oft calls out "Hop                          
Aboard, if your gay;                                        
I go all the way,                                           
And there's room for one more there on top."                
                                                            
55200 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Tiddy Ogg                



The Oggman replied to him, "No,                             
Unless you get rid of that hoe,                             
With a 60 k sign.                                           
We'll do 69                                                 
Then I'l enter real slow from below."                       
                                                            
55201 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Lightbulb                



A responsive young girl from back East,                     
In bed was an able artiste.                                 
She had learned two positions                               
From the family physician,                                  
And ten more from an old parish priest.                     
                                                            
55202 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Albin Chaplin 3024  G1104



A Hostler who live outside Otley,                           
Had a wife, who welcomed him hotly;                         
They both like a ride,                                      
With him first astride,                                     
And then is positions all motley.                           
                                                            
55203 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Harold C Bibby           



In the Evening News Journal edition,                        
It said, "Wanted w/several conditions,                      
A female or male                                            
Who's hearty and hale                                       
And who knows exotic positions."                            
                                                            
55204 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Michael Polo        P8704



A bashful young girl from Fort San                          
May pretend that she can't, but she can --                  
In a bed, on the turf,                                      
Upside down, soixante-neuf,                                 
With any available man.                                     
                                                            
55205 POSITIONS - MOTLEY             Hugh Oliver           82d



Well, I once had a job at a store,                          
Where they made me pack groceries (a bore!),                
Except a girl in deli,                                      
Whose nickname was Nelly,                                   
Who'd happily go down on all four.                          
                                                            
55206 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



A heart makes me think of your butt;                        
Of which you know I'm truly a nut.                          
Be my Valentine,                                            
While I ride your behind,                                   
So please be my Valentine slut?                             
                                                            
55207 POSITIONS - REARED             M Foster                 



There once was a gal named Lorraine,                        
Who had a most serious pain.                                
Guys from Wendover                                          
Asked her to bend over,                                     
Bonking her without refrain.                                
                                                            
55208 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



She thought that she would FORFEND                          
The harassing advance of a "friend,"                        
So she turned her back                                      
When he jumped in the sack.                                 
He said, "Hey, that's cool, now bend."                      
                                                            
55209 POSITIONS - REARED             J'Carlin                 



Rearward turned, her face doth beckon;                      
Tonight to her I'll go, I reckon.                           
Though one thing bad,                                       
It makes me mad,                                            
That collie's making me go second!                          
                                                            
55210 POSITIONS - REARED             Jim Weaver Collection    



A woman with buttocks so fair,                              
Invitingly raised in the air,                               
Hopes you don't mind                                        
To mount from behind,                                       
And come on her sweet derriere!                             
                                                            
55211 POSITIONS - REARED             Little Richard           



Said Florence, "I do take affront                           
To the way you belittle my cunt,                            
While you and your dong                                     
Are positioned all wrong --                                 
Would you please come around to the front?"                 
                                                            
55212 POSITIONS - REARED             John Miller              



So ugly a bitch was Miss Hinde                              
That she never with man had entwined.                       
But she showed up one day                                   
In family way,                                              
For it seems she was fucked from behind.                    
                                                            
55213 POSITIONS - REARED             Albin Chaplin   3024-0193



Did you hear of a lady named Vicky,                         
Thought to screw like a dog was too tricky.                 
When she did a quick spin,                                  
He was no longer in,                                        
And it got all over her, icky.                              
                                                            
55214 POSITIONS - REARED             Chairman Steve           



The prostitute drops down her drawers,                      
As the lack of new trade she deplores.                      
And to keep her cunt working,                               
Gives her boarder free firking,                             
While her dinner she eats on all fours.                     
                                                            
55215 POSITIONS - REARED             Albin Chaplin            



I was told that the birds and the bees                      
Have babies with wonderful ease;                            
But I can't go through it                                   
The way that they do it --                                  
Too hard on my elbows and knees.                            
                                                            
55216 POSITIONS - REARED             Norm Storer         P9604



Emboldened by your corporate ambitions,                     
On all fours, you confirm my suspicions.                    
With your buttocks a-gleaming,                              
You give a new meaning                                      
To the phrase "entry level positions."                      
                                                            
55217 POSITIONS - REARED             Jim Weaver Collection    



She's easily pleased is young Mandy;                        
You just have to offer her candy,                           
Then down on all fours,                                     
She'll say, "Take me! I'm yours!"                           
(You should see what she does for a brandy!)                
                                                            
55218 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



Said a homely old maid, unrefined,                          
"Let's fuck!" to a man just and kind.                       
He replied, "For this task,                                 
You must put on a mask,                                     
And I'll give you a fuck from behind."                      
                                                            
55219 POSITIONS - REARED             Albin Chaplin   3024-0366



A simple young fellow named Spear                           
Had tricks both amusing and queer.                          
He tickled the asses                                        
And cunts of the lasses,                                    
And stuck in his cock from the rear.                        
                                                            
55220 POSITIONS - REARED                                G1030a



While sitting on Southampton pier,                          
I told my young lass Nell, "My dear,                        
It's love we must make!"                                    
My hand she did take                                        
And asked me "From front or from rear?"                     
                                                            
55221 POSITIONS - REARED             R Renzel                 



There was a young barmaid called Carol                      
Who worked in such skimpy apparel,                          
Whilst in the wine cellar                                   
Some amorous feller                                         
Had that lass over a barrel.                                
                                                            
55222 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



On going to college, Miss Dare                              
By mother was told to beware                                
Of boys in her bed                                          
For this she did dread,                                     
So Dare fucked the boys in a chair.                         
                                                            
55223 POSITIONS - REARED             Albin Chaplin   3024-0102



It's time that I tell you the truth                         
My girlfriend's an old snaggle tooth.                       
She moans and she whines                                    
When I come in behind,                                      
And jam it right in her cabooth!                            
                                                            
55224 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



When reaming your girl with your pole,                      
Make sure you maintain your control.                        
You'll feel quite the fool                                  
With shit on your tool,                                     
Unless, of course, that was your goal.                      
                                                            
55225 POSITIONS - REARED             Anon                     



I once had a girl in Bombay,                                
Who preferred it the Old Fashioned Way,                     
And if given a tool,                                        
From behind like a mule,                                    
She'd kick and she'd buck and she'd bray.                   
                                                            
55226 POSITIONS - REARED             Tim Fisher               



There was a young man from Bengal,                          
Whose girlfriend was really quite tall.                     
He'd look up to suck;                                       
She'd kneel down for fuck;                                  
It worked out for them, overall.                            
                                                            
55227 POSITIONS - REARED             Arden                    



A peculiar man is Bill Greer                                
Who goes for a gal from the rear.                           
He said, "If it's odd o' me,                                
At least it ain't sodomy...                                 
I just like the action from here!"                          
                                                            
55228 POSITIONS - REARED             Grand Prix Lim  413      



My lima bean smell is endearing,                            
And let's you now when I am nearing,                        
So's you can prepare                                        
By stripping down bare,                                     
And get ready for one hard end-rearing.                     
                                                            
55229 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



I've got some wine here for you, dear,                      
In a goblet that's crystal and clear.                       
So start up that cheer                                      
And guide my hard spear                                     
To your puss, as I push from the rear.                      
                                                            
55230 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



Some misses look more like misters;                         
Some leave your eyeball with blisters.                      
Though ugly some be,                                        
What's important to me,                                     
Bunked over they all look like sisters.                     
                                                            
55231 POSITIONS - REARED             Jim Weaver Collection    



Said an old Greek sage, "Run from the fear,                 
Of encounters that some may think queer.                    
Those who learn not to spurn,                               
The fine turn of a stern,                                   
May just find lots of fun from the rear."                   
                                                            
55232 POSITIONS - REARED             Bob Giandomenico    P0307



When you age, best make love from behind,                   
For at fifty and sixty you'll find,                         
If still able to get 'er,                                   
The view will be better,                                    
For the fact is: that love is not blind.                    
                                                            
55233 POSITIONS - REARED             Bob Birch           P0900



I took Sandy out on the town;                               
We dined; We danced; We got down.                           
Down on all fours                                           
And tallied up scores                                       
Of orgasms as they came 'round.                             
                                                            
55234 POSITIONS - REARED             Mike Desso               



An insulting old fellow named Jack                          
Was berating his wife for her lack                          
Of a navel and tits,                                        
And she caused him the shits --                             
So she told him to get off her back.                        
                                                            
55235 POSITIONS - REARED             Albin Chaplin   3024-0216



My gal, Marylou, seems to drool                             
Whenever she sits on my tool.                               
Because I can't rest                                        
With her spit on my chest,                                  
She must wear a bib, that's my rule!                        
                                                            
55236 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



That lassie (whose surname was Kelly),                      
Was terribly fond of her jelly.                             
But the boys offered jam                                    
And -- since jam means to cram --                           
She cooed "Yes, please... but not in the belly!"            
                                                            
55237 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



All there was for ten bucks and a beer                      
Was a broad who presented her rear.                         
Said the smelly old crone,                                  
"I'm really not prone                                       
To argue, so stick it in here!"                             
                                                            
55238 POSITIONS - REARED             John Miller              



I really don't care what dogs do.                           
I would rather look down at you                             
And see what I find,                                        
Than have you behind,                                       
Where I can't enjoy the great view.                         
                                                            
55239 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



There was a sore babe in McAllister,                        
Claimed Willy's big puncher had calloused her.              
It occurred when that gent                                  
Took her from the rear, bent                                
Over forward, across an oak ballister.                      
                                                            
55240 POSITIONS - REARED             Grand Prix Lim  735      



You really can't blame our Miss Ealing                      
For moaning and groaning and squealing.                     
She sat down on Bill's frame,                               
And his wad, when he came,                                  
Blew both dame, wad and blast to the ceiling.               
                                                            
55241 POSITIONS - REARED                                 G0578



There was a young girl from Dundee,                         
Who liked picnics right by the sea.                         
Her boyfriend said, "Right --                               
Enough of this shite!"                                      
And took her from behind on one knee.                       
                                                            
55242 POSITIONS - REARED             Derek Scott              



Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol                    
Looked delightful in model's apparel.                       
The slimming effect                                         
Was best, I suspect,                                        
When her man had her over a barrel.                         
                                                            
55243 POSITIONS - REARED             Isaac Asimov             



Bend over the dining-room table                             
And spread 'em as far as you're able.                       
You'll find that my conger                                  
Is longer and stronger,                                     
And thicker than nautical cable.                            
                                                            
55244 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



A playful young fellow was Gump                             
Who cherished his lady friend's rump.                       
"Let's play leapfrog," he said,                             
So she lowered her head,                                    
But he never completed the jump.                            
                                                            
55245 POSITIONS - REARED             Albin Chaplin   3024-2097



"I'm so lonely," the homely lass whined;                    
She had kinky thoughts on her mind.                         
But in Ft. Laramie                                          
Colonel John Jeremy,                                        
Put his privates inside her behind.                         
                                                            
55246 POSITIONS - REARED             Lims For Year - 01       



Said a naked young soldier named Mickey,                    
As his cunt eyed his stiff, throbbing dickey,               
"Kid, my leave's almost up,                                 
But I feel like a tup;                                      
Bend down, and I'll slip you a quickie."                    
                                                            
55247 POSITIONS - REARED                                 L1037



Some night when you're drunk on Dutch Bols,                 
Try changing the usual roles.                               
The backward position                                       
Is nice for coition,                                        
And it offers the choice of two holes.                      
                                                            
55248 POSITIONS - REARED                                 L0454



They say that the natives of Wheeling                       
Prefer to go at it while kneeling.                          
It does give a crick                                        
In the shank of the prick,                                  
But oh! what a glorious feeling!                            
                                                            
55249 POSITIONS - REARED                                 G0814



There was a young lady whose mind                           
Was never completely refined.                               
She got on her knees,                                       
Her lover to please,                                        
Who stuck in his prick from behind.                         
                                                            
55250 POSITIONS - REARED                                 L0491



There was a young woman named Sally,                        
Who loved an occasional dally.                              
She sat on the lap                                          
Of a well-endowed chap,                                     
And said, "Ooo, you're right up my alley."                  
                                                            
55251 POSITIONS - REARED             Isaac Asimov             



A cowgirl who calls the guys "Pardner"                      
Can fix limber pricks: she's a hardener.                    
But she got a rude shock                                    
When she sat on the cock                                    
Of that Bunyanesque fellow named Gardner.                   
                                                            
55252 POSITIONS - REARED                                 G2450



Young Mary once gave me the nod                             
To fetch her my sizable rod.                                
She went out of her mind                                    
When I took her behind,                                     
And she swore the next day, she found God!                  
                                                            
55253 POSITIONS - REARED             Frank SFA                



"Let's try it this new way," said Jack                      
As he winked at the girl in the sack.                       
She turned and she grunted,                                 
"I should be affronted,                                     
But this time I'm taken aback!"                             
                                                            
55254 POSITIONS - REARED             H Myers             T9801



If a four-legged love-puppy fits                            
Your fetish, Miz Rue never quits;                           
Sniff 'n lick her behind,                                   
She will squirm and she'll grind,                           
And then treat you with hominy grits!                       
                                                            
55255 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



Said a modern teenager named Treat,                         
"Our game 'Feed the lion' is neat.                          
She takes off her drawers                                   
And gets down on all fours;                                 
She growls and I throw her the meat!"                       
                                                            
55256 POSITIONS - REARED             Martin B. Smith     P8309



Here's Ericka down on all fours                             
The sweat is profuse from her pores.                        
And there's Tiddy Ogg;                                      
He's priming his Log                                        
For viciously ramming her doors.                            
                                                            
55257 POSITIONS - REARED             Anon                     



Hey 'Ricka, you wanna be my bitch?                          
Then shed all your clothes, every stitch.                   
Then I'll cock my leg                                       
Over yours, and my peg                                      
Will soon be there, humping your ditch.                     
                                                            
55258 POSITIONS - REARED             Anon                     



When in Minnesota, Miss Gold                                
Wore long johns to ward off the cold;                       
But they had a rear door,                                   
Which she freauently wore                                   
Unbuttoned for friends, I am told.                          
                                                            
55259 POSITIONS - REARED             Al Kracht           P9902



Your skin is all slack in the front?                        
Don't worry; it won't bear the brunt                        
Of any attack,                                              
If you turn your back                                       
By using that ju-jitsu stunt.                               
                                                            
55260 POSITIONS - REARED                                      



I told my old sex partner Fritz,                            
I wanted to call our thing quits;                           
He watches TV                                               
While pumping on me --                                      
To tell you the truth, it's the pits.                       
                                                            
55261 POSITIONS - REARED             Armand E Singer       912



A woman who lived near Cape Fear                            
Would always most carefully steer                           
Past men whom she saw,                                      
But was brought to the floor,                               
By a well-timed attack from the rear.                       
                                                            
55262 POSITIONS - REARED             Isaac Asimov             



My new sweetie is named Marybeth;                           
And I swear, I just love her to death;                      
While we hump without guile,                                
I prefer doggie style,                                      
'Cause my love-heart has got rotten breath!                 
                                                            
55263 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Allen Wolverton          



One question I'll ask, if you please,                       
So Allen reply without tease:                               
From our metal view,                                        
Just what did you do                                        
To get that corpse up on her knees?                         
                                                            
55264 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Travis Brasell           



We met up in old Hermit's cave;                             
She's undead, but I traded old Dave                         
A piglet that farted.                                       
I soon got her started;                                     
A Heimlich will make this doll rave!                        
                                                            
55265 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Allen Wolverton          



"It's clear," said Big Sis with a grunt,                    
"You really know shit about cunt.                           
Your attack from the back's                                 
Just scratching my crack,                                   
While missing the good stuff up front."                     
                                                            
55266 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    John Miller              



I hope you'll not mind if I'm blunt,                        
But since it's her asshole you punt                         
Your attack from the back                                   
Is just scratching her crack,                               
So give her a poke up the cunt.                             
                                                            
55267 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



If advice I were fain to dispense,                          
'Twere better 'twas making some sense.                      
Instead of the focus                                        
On her crack or her tokus,                                  
It should mention her clitty laments.                       
                                                            
55268 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Allen Wolverton          



Boys, a girl on all fours is a treat;                       
That there doggie style sure can't be beat.                 
You can park on her rear                                    
A cold six pack of beer,                                    
When your good old gal comes into heat.                     
                                                            
55269 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Allen Wolverton          



If your fetish's a gal on all fours,                        
You should try humping one out of doors.                    
In the cold and the heat,                                   
This type just can't be beat,                               
On the bed or the grass of the moors.                       
                                                            
55270 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Richard                  



I'll give you what for from the back                        
As my slick dick slides in your crack                       
My hands on your nips                                       
A-rubbing the tips                                          
As a choad-load explodes from my sac!                       
                                                            
55271 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Archie                   



Well ladies, this first ride is mine,                       
So please stand back there in the line.                     
With that pogo inside,                                      
It's a hell of a ride,                                      
And the ride only cost me a dime!                           
                                                            
55272 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



How untrue my sweet little pet                              
I've never charged anything yet                             
For you to ride on                                          
Hop on or slide on                                          
My pogo stick, sticky and wet                               
                                                            
55273 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



As a lover of sex from behind,                              
The state of your face I won't mind.                        
Would you like to have sperm                                
Rubbed into your perm?                                      
Can I come to your house for a grind?                       
                                                            
55274 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Jack                     



Nothing gets rubbed in my perm,                             
'Specially not out of your worm.                            
How do you doodle                                           
With that little noodle?                                    
I've heard that it's not very firm.                         
                                                            
55275 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Marlene                  



Past conquests were heard to scream, "Jack!"                
When I mounted a rear-end attack.                           
"Don't get your goo                                         
Near my new hair-do...                                      
Do you know that you're up the wrong crack?..."             
                                                            
55276 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Jack                     



So I'd wriggle an inch down their furrow,                   
Till in the right hole I would burrow.                      
And ride them some more                                     
Until they were sore.                                       
I may not be huge, but I thorough.                          
                                                            
55277 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Jack                     



Oh dear, did I reject the wrong Jack?                       
You're on the other side of the track?                      
Even so I request                                           
A more civil behest                                         
Than "C'mon baby, jump in the sack!"                        
                                                            
55278 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Marilyn                  



You cannot come here for a grind.                           
What's required is much more refined.                       
A 'canoodle' or 'pet'                                       
Is more likely to get                                       
You into myself from behind.                                
                                                            
55279 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Marilyn                  



Losing all sense of control,                                
On the bed we tumble and roll.                              
Pleasuring each other,                                      
Trying to smother,                                          
The fire on this hot bed of coals.                          
                                                            
55280 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



You've smothered me with sweet kisses                       
And answered all of my wishes.                              
My flame for you grows                                      
And so does my hose,                                        
At the thought of that pussy, delicious.                    
                                                            
55281 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



Then put me on my two knees.                                
(Don't make me beg and say please.)                         
A little doggie style,                                      
Sure makes me smile,                                        
I see that grin, you agree.                                 
                                                            
55282 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



When you get in that position                               
Reminds me of sweet superstition;                           
That taboo that you                                         
Now ask me to do,                                           
I gladly will, with your permission.                        
                                                            
55283 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



But when I insert from behind                               
To give you a doggie-type grind,                            
It's still the same hole                                    
That gets my long pole;                                     
No anal sex is on my mind.                                  
                                                            
55284 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



I don't mind getting down on all fours,                     
As long as it's not on the floor.                           
The rug's my concern;                                       
It causes those burns,                                      
And my knees will get red and sore.                         
                                                            
55285 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



A secret I've learned from the past,                        
That keeps rug burns from happening fast.                   
Are on sale for sure                                        
At any sports store;                                        
They all sell fine knee pads that last!                     
                                                            
55286 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



Or maybe a tumbling pad                                     
Could keep burns from getting bad.                          
We could do gymnastics                                      
Or fuck til we're spastic;                                  
The best sex may yet to be had!                             
                                                            
55287 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



But I think to stop those turning red,                      
We'll try something simple instead,                         
When down on all fours.                                     
So you won't get those sores,                               
We'll just have to screw in the bed                         
                                                            
55288 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES                             



My first girl was a terrible grouch,                        
Which all of my friends will sure vouch.                    
She was cleaning the oven,                                  
So I tried some lovin',                                     
Then got banished to my lumpy old couch.                    
                                                            
55289 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Atticus                  



Once Helga was muckin' the stalls,                          
So I on my hands and knees crawls                           
And peeked up her dress.                                    
Then Oh!  What a mess                                       
It made when that bitch smacked my balls.                   
                                                            
55290 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Travis Brasell           



Well, hard luck old son, and best wishes.                   
But scullery love is delicious,                             
When you start to flirt,                                    
And hoist up her skirt,                                     
And boff while she's washing the dishes.                    
                                                            
55291 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



I walked up behind my sweet lass,                           
Just as she was washing a glass.                            
When I grabbed her caboose,                                 
Bloody Hell did break loose,                                
Like shoving worms up a wildcat's ass.                      
                                                            
55292 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Atticus                  



"The ceiling needs painting," she said,                     
While lying face up on the bed;                             
So changing position                                        
To finish coition,                                          
He turned her face downwards instead.                       
                                                            
55293 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Face down on the bed she then sings,                        
"This doggie-style screwing sure stings!"                   
Asked he, "Dick too big?"                                   
Screamed she, "No you pig!                                  
The mattress doesn't cover the springs!"                    
                                                            
55294 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Travis Brasell           



What's normal is not always clear.                          
Weird sex was something to fear.                            
Now I'm no mathematician,                                   
But here's my suspicion:                                    
It's directly proportional to beer.                         
                                                            
55295 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Kristen                  



It has little to do with the beer,                          
For everything's normal in here.                            
Whoever, however,                                           
Whenever, whatever,                                         
We do it from front and from rear.                          
                                                            
55296 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Peter Wilkins            



"The mission position I'm quitting,"                        
Said she, "and from now on I'm sitting;                     
It feels just as fine                                       
If you are supine --                                        
And it won't interfere with my knitting."                   
                                                            
55297 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Ed Potts            P8606



"The position I don't mind at all,"                         
He replied, "but it really does gall,                       
When you ask me, your swain,                                
To 'please hold the skein.'                                 
While you wind up the yarn on the ball."                    
                                                            
55298 POSITIONS - REARED - SERIES    Ed Potts            P8606



I once met a lassie named Ruth                              
In a long distance telephone booth.                         
Now I know the perfection                                   
Of an ideal connection,                                     
Even if somewhat uncouth.                                   
                                                            
55299 POSITIONS - STANDING           Jim Weaver Collection    



As a youngster I'd empty my balls                           
In girls standing upright in halls.                         
Now the ladies instead                                      
Want to have it in bed,                                     
So I've little to hold against walls.                       
                                                            
55300 POSITIONS - STANDING                                    



There was a young girl named LaRue,                         
Who thought it great fun just to screw.                     
She was never particular                                    
And performed perpendicular--                               
An art known to only a few.                                 
                                                            
55301 POSITIONS - STANDING                               G0634



A girl said to her man named List,                          
A chance should not ever be missed.                         
He stopped at the landing                                   
And had her while standing.                                 
She declared is resembled the twist.                        
                                                            
55302 POSITIONS - STANDING           Albin Chaplin            



A Rice business major named Lee                             
Said to Ned as she leaned 'gainst a tree,                   
"I'd be much more at home                                   
If my stance were more prone,                               
Than this ungainly role of standee."                        
                                                            
55303 POSITIONS - STANDING           Arthur Deex         P0112



There was a young woman called Nicolla                      
Who said, "I prefer perpendicolla;                          
But If what you want'll                                     
Be best horizontal,                                         
I'm really not all that particolla."                        
                                                            
55304 POSITIONS - STANDING           Jim Weaver Collection    



I can quite categorically state                             
That the towel bars in washrooms are great.                 
They're padded just right,                                  
And they're just the right height                           
To grab onto while boffing your date.                       
                                                            
55305 POSITIONS - STANDING                                    



That lass of mine's nicely hipped                           
And myself, I may say, good equiped.                        
But each time we do it standing                             
I make a hard landing;                                      
Is it on the wet floor that I slipped?                      
                                                            
55306 POSITIONS - STANDING                                    



A short-peckered man of Beirut,                             
To get a good fuck was hard put.                            
So he tried to screw standing                               
But he found it demanding,                                  
And he splattered his load on his foot.                     
                                                            
55307 POSITIONS - STANDING           Albin Chaplin            



Perhaps I have mentioned Miss Wade?                         
A most reprehensible jade.                                  
It's stuck in her head                                      
She'll get knocked up in bed,                               
So demands to stand up to be laid.                          
                                                            
55308 POSITIONS - STANDING           Grand Prix Lim   32 G0254



There was a young midget named Madder                       
Whose girl was as tall as a ladder.                         
When he stood on his toes                                   
Her cunt came to his nose,                                  
So he stood on his shoulders and had her.                   
                                                            
55309 POSITIONS - STANDING           Albin Chaplin   3024-0728



I remember the days of my youth                             
When influenced by gin and vermouth.                        
Very much thinner,                                          
I was a sinner,                                             
Making love in a telephone booth.                           
                                                            
55310 POSITIONS - STANDING           Tom Patton          P9607



He asked for her capitulation                               
To join him in wild copulation.                             
She should have said maybe;                                 
Now she'll have a baby,                                     
And add to the whole population.                            
                                                            
55311 PREGNANT                       Dick Ford                



This nubile young maiden named Bright                       
Got in bed with some guy late one night.                    
By the coming of dawn                                       
She was bearing his spawn --                                
Really not an unusual plight.                               
                                                            
55312 PREGNANT                       Armand E Singer       134



There was a young fellow named David,                       
Remarkably badly behaved.                                   
His manners with ladies                                     
Were imported from Hades,                                   
And he left every one of them gravid.                       
                                                            
55313 PREGNANT                       Isaac Asimov             



Said Bob, "My young days now seem comical                   
And they certainly weren't economical!                      
Each time I got plastered                                   
I'd father a bastard...                                     
And their cost proved to be astronomical.                   
                                                            
55314 PREGNANT                       Grand Prix Lim  663      



You will read in Professor Schmunk's treatise,              
In the words of the famous Epicetus,                        
The curious lore                                            
That young girls by the score                               
Are afflicted with athlete's foetus.                        
                                                            
55315 PREGNANT                       W S Baring-Gould         



A handsome boy left for NY,                                 
Participle dangling from his fly.                           
Met a girl named "E".                                       
"I must," thought he,                                       
"Make sure that E comes after I."                           
                                                            
55316 PREGNANT                                                



He got a job dancing in bars,                               
In an abbrev. costume with stars.                           
"You'll never go wrong                                      
If you wear a dipthong."                                    
Was tattooed on all his cigars.                             
                                                            
55317 PREGNANT                                                



He danced in the lights' incandescence.                     
Impressing E with tumescence.                               
After just one date,                                        
Her period was late,                                        
Leaving them with an unending sentence.                     
                                                            
55318 PREGNANT                                                



Is someone expecting a tot?                                 
About this I know quite a lot.                              
I have two of my own                                        
And they are only half grown,                               
So we still talk of boogers and snot.                       
                                                            
55319 PREGNANT                       Jules                    



They say that dad has all the fun                           
Of putting in oven the bun.                                 
But let me tell you                                         
This just is not true;                                      
Below him lies the real guilty one.                         
                                                            
55320 PREGNANT                       Barrie Eksteen           



To pair who had roll on the floor,                          
Rewards are a mixed bag, galore.                            
As soon as they're weaned,                                  
Unhappily teened,                                           
One wonders what it's really for!                           
                                                            
55321 PREGNANT                       Chris Papa               



A childless man took to chasin'                             
A curvy young girl with elation.                            
She asked him, "Why me?"                                    
He replied full of glee,                                    
"You were built for the birth of a nation."                 
                                                            
55322 PREGNANT                       S. B. Herring            



Miss Naylor remarked to the sailor,                         
"After four days of lays you look paler."                   
Four days shakes and shocks,                                
Rocked Block Island for blocks,                             
While the sailor hot knocked up Miss Naylor.                
                                                            
55323 PREGNANT                       Grand Prix Lim  367      



Sex need not be all conversational.                         
Without talking, it's still inspirational.                  
But mind you're not burned,                                 
For many have learned,                                      
The act can be baby-creational.                             
                                                            
55324 PREGNANT                       Isaac Asimov             



A negligent lady named Lyriad,                              
Had talents so diverse and myriad,                          
But she will be a momma,                                    
For mistakes she made, [comma]                              
And she says it's the end of her. [period]                  
                                                            
55325 PREGNANT                       Albin Chaplin   3024-1415



Excuse me for being annoyed,                                
But Mr. with Ms. really toyed.                              
So you should share                                         
In the giving of care                                       
Of your little girled and boyed.                            
                                                            
55326 PREGNANT                       John Miller              



There was a young lady of Ocquerk                           
Whose menses were steady as clockwork.                      
But they failed to appear                                   
For nearly a year,                                          
On account of some young fellow's cockwork.                 
                                                            
55327 PREGNANT                                           G1699



A remarkable feature has Myrtle,                            
A retractable tail like a turtle.                           
But though she has never                                    
Been called cute or clever,                                 
She annually proves to be fertile.                          
                                                            
55328 PREGNANT                                                



This preganancy's scrambling my brain!                      
And filling my mind with disdain.                           
I'm becoming forgetful,                                     
It's making me fretful,                                     
Now what was I doing again?                                 
                                                            
55329 PREGNANT                                                



For the farmer, worked handyman Cotter;                     
He dug a new well to get water.                             
He hauled in the hay,                                       
Got the chickens to lay,                                    
And the bleeding he stopped in his daughter.                
                                                            
55330 PREGNANT                       Albin Chaplin   3024-2002



This Jilley, she loudly proclaimed                          
That she was set up by some dame                            
Who didn't like Willie,                                     
And this was all silly,                                     
But it was his seed she maintained.                         
                                                            
55331 PREGNANT                       Jim Weaver Collection    



In a youth existentially styled,                            
I find myself often beguiled                                
By asking why Father                                        
Had gone to the bother                                      
Of getting my mother with child.                            
                                                            
55332 PREGNANT                       Norm Storer         P9812



A proper ejaculation                                        
Requires an equalization                                    
Of vaginal suction                                          
With testicular fucktion,                                   
Resulting in maternization.                                 
                                                            
55333 PREGNANT                                                



The "Pregnant Girl Scout" is fine,                          
Though some think her quite out of line.                    
The fruit of her womb                                       
Is starting to bloom--                                      
She's the Virgin of Troop Sixty-Nine.                       
(I belonged to troop sixty-nine in Woodland, Calif - McW)   
55334 PREGNANT                                           G1658



When Roma was told about sex,                               
She said "Mamma, it's so complex!                           
You and dad had to go                                       
Through this trouble, you know,                             
And I am just the side effect!"                             
                                                            
55335 PREGNANT                       Jim Weaver Collection    



Does life begin at conception,                              
A result of penile erection,                                
Or at 38 weeks                                              
When with squeals and with squeaks,                         
The babe leaves it cosy protection.                         
                                                            
55336 PREGNANT                       Jayne                    



But I now think, the older I've grown,                      
That it starts when the kids have left home.                
You can now shout with glee,                                
At last you are free                                        
And start having a life of your own.                        
                                                            
55337 PREGNANT                       Tiddy Ogg                



Five minutes pleasure for twenty years pain,                
I must be mad to go through that again!                     
From terrible twos                                          
To teenager blues,                                          
Don't mention birth when I scream, swear, and strain.       
                                                            
55338 PREGNANT                       Tiddy Ogg                



Resulting from one single boff,                             
For years now my arse I've worked off.                      
For thanks from them many?                                  
There weren't even any!                                     
My brain it is now going soft.                              
                                                            
55339 PREGNANT                       Archie                   



There once was a woman named Stone,                         
To whom I was giving the bone.                              
She looked up and smiled,                                   
And said "I'm with child."                                  
And from then on I left her alone.                          
                                                            
55340 PREGNANT                       Jim Weaver Collection    



I went to the doctors today,                                
Feeling ill in a peculiar way,                              
With pee that was mine,                                     
I saw that blue line,                                       
So I'm having a kid late in May....                         
                                                            
55341 PREGNANT                       Anon                     



Anonymous corporate donors                                  
Provisioning newborn's new owners,                          
With a lifetime supply                                      
Of kids diapers piled high,                                 
Are a godsend to multiple cloners!                          
                                                            
55342 PREGNANT                       Prof M-G           TP9901



A dashing young swain name of Rhett                         
Felt more than a twinge of regret                           
When his truelove, Miss Nelly,                              
Pointed twice to her belly                                  
And showed him her new bassinet.                            
                                                            
55343 PREGNANT                       Armand E Singer       224



We tried in a tent once before;                             
We firmly zipped up our front door.                         
Sweet lovin' we made,                                       
In the warm summer shade;                                   
Nine months later a daughter I bore.                        
                                                            
55344 PREGNANT                       Jayne                    



Said old dad to his quite pregnant daughter,                
Who denied she'd forgot what he'd taught her,               
"The putative menaces                                       
Of parthenogenisis                                          
Is a notion that just won't hold water."                    
                                                            
55345 PREGNANT                       Armand E Singer       202



Deep in labor the B.V.M. hissed,                            
"Don't come near me, Joe! I'll break your wrist!            
You were too cheap to spare                                 
Bucks for pre-natal care --                                 
Now, no room reservations! I'm pissed!"                     
(B.V.M. = ??)                                               
55346 PREGNANT                       Robin K. Willoughby P9001



There was a young lady from Philly,                         
Who thought contraception was silly,                        
Till my cousin Billy                                        
With willy did dilly;                                       
She's now a brood mare, not a filly.                        
                                                            
55347 PREGNANT                       Tiddy                    



Sex courses are not very bright --                          
Sperm and egg are shown as they unite.                      
There's no fondling of tit,                                 
Nor licking of clit,                                        
And no word of orgasmic delight.                            
                                                            
55348 PREGNANT                       Al Chaplin          P9410



A pregnant young lady named Blake                           
Was certain she made no mistake.                            
"I held on to his clinger                                   
While he stuck in his finger,                               
At least while I lay there awake."                          
                                                            
55349 PREGNANT                       Albin Chaplin   3024-1404



There was a young man from West Cork                        
Whose Dad made a fortune in pork.                           
Last Sunday at three,                                       
He was married to me --                                     
Because we're expecting the stork!                          
                                                            
55350 PREGNANT                       Linda Marsh Coll         



A librarian, checking her stacks,                           
Bent over and ripped her slacks.                            
When a man saw her bush,                                    
He gave it a push,                                          
And they stacked one more kid in a stroller.                
                                                            
55351 PREGNANT                       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Sioux Falls,                     
An expert with all the bird calls.                          
Till he made like a stork                                   
With a gal from New York;                                   
Now he paces the hospital halls.                            
                                                            
55352 PREGNANT                       Jim Weaver Collection    



A view of the mass population                               
Can never be cause for elation.                             
One can think of no cure                                    
Unless everyone's pure,                                     
And stops all the damned copulation.                        
                                                            
55353 PREGNANT                       Warrick Elrod            



"My dear unwed mother," said Clancy,                        
"Met a bounder who tickled her fancy.                       
Her fancy thus tickled                                      
Caused prickles: thus prickled--                            
Well, you know the rest.  Life is chancy."                  
                                                            
55354 PREGNANT                       John Ciardi              



Ah me!  See the wages of lust;                              
They'd not with protection fussed.                          
Result of their game,                                       
To give tyke Pa's name.                                     
A quick wedding became a must.                              
                                                            
55355 PREGNANT                       Chris Papa               



We know of this thing called male shrinkage;                
I, for one, think there is no linkage.                      
If given a chance,                                          
Sans Eskimo pants,                                          
Impregnates his wife in a winkage.                          
                                                            
55356 PREGNANT                       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl from Alaska,                         
Who'd do anything that you'd ask her.                       
She'd go out in the woods                                   
And deliver the goods,                                      
And be ready again nine months after.                       
                                                            
55357 PREGNANT                                           G1632



It may start with a swift introduction,                     
Followed next by a gentle seduction.                        
Then, unless here the tactics                               
Involve prophylactics,                                      
The result may well be reproduction.                        
                                                            
55358 PREGNANT                                                



There once was a woman so avid,                             
To make love was always her habid.                          
Though her husband's a goon,                                
She likes so much to spoon;                                 
Perhaps that's the reason she's gravid.                     
                                                            
55359 PREGNANT                       P Chernoff               



He enticed her capitulation                                 
For an act of copulation.                                   
She should have said maybe;                                 
Now she'll have a baby,                                     
And increase the population.                                
                                                            
55360 PREGNANT                       Dick Ford                



Man stands on his very last leg                             
And with atom bomb makers does beg.                         
But it isn't the fission                                    
Which will cause abolition,                                 
It's the fusion of sperm with the egg.                      
                                                            
55361 PREGNANT                       Albin Chaplin            



An Irishman name of O'Rourke,                               
Who hailed from the county of Cork,                         
Swore that though he was wild,                              
He was without child                                        
'Cause he thought kids were brought by the stork.           
                                                            
55362 PREGNANT                                                



There was a young lady of York                              
Whose body had plenty of torque,                            
And callers galore                                          
Were seen at her door,                                      
Including the bothersome stork.                             
                                                            
55363 PREGNANT                       William K. Alsop    P9202



A female lion tamer of York,                                
Would tackle a lion with a fork,                            
And she held them at bay,                                   
Without fear or dismay,                                     
But she never could hold off the stork.                     
                                                            
55364 PREGNANT                       Albin Chaplin   3024-1424



Our son went to school just a boy;                          
His teacher, her looks were so coy.                         
Nine months later a man,                                    
He needs a health plan.                                     
It's left me to take care of this 'joy'.                    
                                                            
55365 PREGNANT                       Jim Weaver Collection    



In poverty folks with brains numb                           
Exist in the depths of the slum.                            
There they increase like vermin                             
And cannot determine                                        
From where in the fuck babies come.                         
                                                            
55366 PREGNANT                       Albin Chaplin   3024-2213



I'd love to travel back in time,                            
To visit the birth that was mine.                           
I would just love to see                                    
The emergance of me;                                        
Was the star in the sky a good sign?                        
                                                            
55367 PREGNANT                                                



A voluptuous woman named Peggy,                             
Described by most men as 'way leggy'.                       
Got preggers, they say,                                     
When men looked her way,                                    
'Cause Peggy proved to be too eggy.                         
                                                            
55368 PREGNANT                       Marlene Lewis            



Now Peggy is heaving great sighs.                           
Her Pa is out chasing those guys.                           
He runs around town                                         
And swears up and down,                                     
He'll catch them and poke out their eyes.                   
                                                            
55369 PREGNANT                       Travis Brasell           



He'd better just weld shut their zips                       
And staple closed their sexy lips.                          
'Cause he'll surely find                                    
They can screw when blind --                                
Imagine a total eclipse.                                    
                                                            
55370 PREGNANT                       Marlene Lewis            



When Pa gets through, those guys will wail!                 
They're all bound to end up in jail.                        
Because of their vision                                     
And a bad decision,                                         
Those guys, when they screw, will need Braille!             
                                                            
55371 PREGNANT                       Travis Brasell           



The government pushes P.C.                                  
It makes little sense though to me.                         
Since teaching safe sex,                                    
Just made things more complex;                              
We tripled in our pregnancies.                              
                                                            
55372 PREGNANT                       Paul Franklin            



A young lady sailed on a world cruise.                      
She was sure she had nothing to lose.                       
Then came an old seaman                                     
Who left all his seman;                                     
Now she's have her babies by two's.                         
                                                            
55373 PREGNANT                       Tom Patton          P9710



I think I just felt a small flutter.                        
You'll think I'm a bit of a nutter.                         
I think the twins moved                                     
(It hasn't been proved)                                     
My legs they have all turned to butter.                     
                                                            
55374 PREGNANT                       Archie                   



One and one make two,                                       
But if one and one should marry,                            
Isn't it queer                                              
Within a year                                               
There's two and one to carry.                               
                                                            
55375 PREGNANT                                                



A Queen of the Welfare once said,                           
"It's this talk of abortion I dread.                        
My children, some twenty,                                   
Are my horn of plenty,                                      
While I stay out of wedlock in bed."                        
                                                            
55376 PREGNANT                       Martin Wellborn     P8910



It seems I impregnated Marge,                               
So I do rather feel, by and large,                          
Some dough ought to be tendered                             
For services rendered,                                      
But I can't quite decide what to charge.                    
                                                            
55377 PREGNANT                       Anon                G1687



Fantastically beautiful Jan                                 
Went in search of the handsomest man,                       
In hopes that they two                                      
Could woo and then screw --                                 
And that's how her family began.                            
                                                            
55378 PREGNANT                       Norm Storer         P0012



To her lover said pretty young Julie,                       
"I don't want to alarm you unduly.                          
I don't intend blame                                        
And yet, all the same,                                      
You've produced a small pregnancy.  Truly!"                 
                                                            
55379 PREGNANT                       Isaac Asimov             



A young superman of Westphalia                              
Shocked the gals with his twin genitalia.                   
Today pregnant twins                                        
Both carry his sins...                                      
Which is why he's in Darwin, Australia!                     
                                                            
55380 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Grand Prix Lim  284      



"Responsible men."  There's a joke.                         
Responsible until they poke.                                
Then, "Hey, it ain't me!                                    
I'm seedless and free!                                      
I'm certain my testes are broke."                           
                                                            
55381 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Marlene Lewis            



I know a young lady in Lilloet,                             
Who's expecting a change in her silhouette                  
Her beau's run away                                         
So she cries night and day                                  
And the tears that she sheds make her pillow wet.           
                                                            
55382 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           John E Mayhood      P0010



A daughter told dad she was ruing                           
The time she and her friend spent screwing.                 
The boy disappeared.                                        
She's pregnant as feared;                                   
An example of a sad doing.                                  
                                                            
55383 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Tom Patton               



There was a young maid from New York,                       
Who dates a sailor from Cork.                               
When he went back to sea,                                   
She cried "Woe is me!                                       
I fear I have dated the stork!"                             
                                                            
55384 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Rambling Rose            



Watch out! dear girls, for among                            
The guys, some with FACILE tongue,                          
Who, given the chance,                                      
Will get in your pants,                                     
Then leave you asea with new young.                         
                                                            
55385 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Chris Papa               



A bastard who came from Alberter                            
Said "My daddy is wanted for murder.                        
Nor did he bother                                           
To tell my poor mother,                                     
After nooky that he would desert her."                      
                                                            
55386 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Jim Weaver Collection    



Nearly nine months along with her load,                     
Little Bertha, about to explode,                            
Cried, "They say it is sex                                  
Brings about these effects,                                 
Which I wouldn't have did if I'd knowed!"                   
                                                            
55387 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Grand Prix Lim  919 G1681



As a result of wild IMBIBITION,                             
She lost her virgin inhibition.                             
Nine long months later,                                     
She proved to be "mater,"                                   
And single!  Unenvied position.                             
                                                            
55388 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Barb                     



After Joe shot his wad into Ann,                            
She thought she'd douched out in the can.                   
But she missed by a myriad                                  
And is now past her period,                                 
And old Joe's on his way to Japan.                          
                                                            
55389 PREGNANT - ABANDONED                               G1633



Maggie once had a fling with young Davey                    
Who filled up her snatch with his gravy.                    
Though his meat was well-done,                              
He left her with a bun                                      
In the oven and scrammed for the Navy.                      
                                                            
55390 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           John Miller 0317c        



A silver tongued Judas Escariot                             
Wooed plain virgin Jane in his chariot.                     
But when he'd defiled                                       
And got her with child,                                     
He said "I'll be hanged if I'll marry it!"                  
                                                            
55391 PREGNANT - ABANDONED                                    



When Fay missed her last menstruation,                      
'Twas a highly unpleasant sensation.                        
And it's getting me down,                                   
I'll not only leave town,                                   
But the county, the state and the nation!                   
                                                            
55392 PREGNANT - ABANDONED                               G1689



A penitent rounder named Birch                              
Swore loudly he'd never besmirch                            
His girlfriend's good name,                                 
And yet, all the same,                                      
He left her enceint at the church.                          
                                                            
55393 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Armand E Singer       648



Johnny used to drive a big truck;                           
With the ladies, he had all the luck.                       
But when Cindy Lou                                          
Got pregnant with two,                                      
He ran off shouting "What the fuck!"                        
                                                            
55394 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Purdue                           
Who betrothed was long overdue.                             
He assured her "No matter,                                  
We'll wed when you're fatter."                              
Then caught the next plane to Peru.                         
                                                            
55395 PREGNANT - ABANDONED                                    



She thought the world greatly unjust,                       
For just having shared lover's trust.                       
She'd new babe to rear                                      
With him nowhere near;                                      
MEMENTO of night of great lust.                             
                                                            
55396 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Chris Papa               



There was a young lass from Verdun                          
Who had in her oven, a bun.                                 
The laddie wot dun                                          
He took off at a run;                                       
Now she's hiring a man with a gun.                          
                                                            
55397 PREGNANT - ABANDONED                                    



A year ago Liz had a frolic                                 
With Bubba, an old alcoholic;                               
Now Bubba's done gone,                                      
And left Liz alone,                                         
With Junior who's screaming with colic.                     
                                                            
55398 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Travis Brasell           



There once was an innocent Quaker,                          
Who fell for a baker called Dacre.                          
Five minutes of lovin',                                     
Put a bun in her oven,                                      
And made the young baker forsake her.                       
                                                            
55399 PREGNANT - ABANDONED                                    



She was sipping some sweet Mogen David,                     
While she read 'Metamorphosis' (Ovid),                      
When along came a satyr                                     
And a couple weeks later,                                   
She discovered that he'd made her gravid.                   
                                                            
55400 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Robin K. Willoughby P8403



There once was a young man named Stan                       
Who impregnated a girl in a van.                            
She said "It's a bother                                     
To locate the father,                                       
But I know he's a short Jewish man."                        
                                                            
55401 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Uncle Jimbo        TP9804



With appropriate curtsy and vail,                           
She greeted Lord John in the vale.                          
On a bank in the sun                                        
He fathered a son                                           
And she ended up taking the veil.                           
                                                            
55402 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           A. N. Wilkins       P9112



Have you heard about poor Angelique?                        
She canoed up the river last week,                          
With some damn lumberjack.                                  
And though they came back,                                  
We're afraid she's been left up the creek.                  
                                                            
55403 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           John Ciardi              



I wondered why you were so tubby!                           
Now I know that you weren't simply chubby;                  
Since you're chosen to stay                                 
In "The Family Way,"                                        
The next you need is a hubby!                               
                                                            
55404 PREGNANT - ABANDONED           Robin K. Willoughby P8701



A woman that we'll call Elaine,                             
In LaMaze did faithfully train.                             
Despite patterned breathing,                                
With huffing and heaving,                                   
Screamed, "This isn't pressure, it's PAIN!"                 
                                                            
55405 PREGNANT - BIRTH               James Charis             



The girlfriend of teenager Tommy                            
Had earned the new title of Mommy,                          
Which was traceable back,                                   
To protection they lacked,                                  
On the night they played Hide The Salami.                   
                                                            
55406 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Cap'n Bean          P0205



A damsel in labor named Tidd                                
Said, "It musta been somethin I DID."                       
Which proves an injection                                   
Without disinfection                                        
Nearly always results in a kid...                           
                                                            
55407 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Grand Prix Lim  646      



Oh so proud am I, and full of joy,                          
For today was delivered a boy.                              
It's by airmail he came,                                    
And it's Semach his name,                                   
And his huge ears don't even annoy.                         
                                                            
55408 PREGNANT - BIRTH                                        



This Labor Union can't deny                                 
You membership if you apply.                                
The Union -- the LAMAZE.                                    
Papa assist Mamas,                                          
Together till the baby's cry.                               
                                                            
55409 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Irving Superior     P8608



A wispy young maid from Ash Fork                            
Was almost as light as a cork,                              
And it's commonly thought                                   
This baby was brought                                       
By a sparrow insead of a stork.                             
                                                            
55410 PREGNANT - BIRTH               William K. Alsop    P9202



My mother lay there in great strain;                        
She bore me; it gave me great pain.                         
I looked at that tunnel.                                    
It sure was no fun.  Hell,                                  
I'm not going up there again.                               
                                                            
55411 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Tiddy                    



Your decision was certainly best,                           
Even though 'twas just mentioned in jest.                   
If you went there once more,                                
You'd run afoul of the law,                                 
For return trips are known as incest.                       
                                                            
55412 PREGNANT - BIRTH               AA                       



I'm glad that thing had you a-chuckling,                    
But answer me this, please, my duckling:                    
I guess then that I                                         
Should steer clear of Ma's pie,                             
But do you think that I, too, should stop suckling.         
                                                            
55413 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Tiddy Ogg                



Your mother must learn how to wean,                         
Without you're causing a scene.                             
My suggestion is, "Ma,                                      
Put it back in your bra,                                    
And serve him some tuna cuisine.                            
                                                            
55414 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Archie                   



World Wide Web zealots all over Earth                       
Learnt the planet's first internet birth                    
Was successful offline --                                   
Mom and babe are both fine --                               
But of labor online found a dearth!                         
                                                            
55415 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Prof M-G           TP9806



Now a Mom of laborious girth                                
Plans to share her contractual mirth.                       
She'll play poker, I read,                                  
While her doctors proceed                                   
With what's virtually internet birth!                       
                                                            
55416 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Prof M-G           TP9806



Though a self-confessed egalitarian,                        
She indulged rites that weren't riparian.                   
So one sunny day,                                           
Nine months after a lay,                                    
She succumbed to her second caesarean.                      
                                                            
55417 PREGNANT - BIRTH               Anon                     



A teacher named Miss Prudence Prother                       
Says producing a bastard's a bother.                        
For promiscuous Miss Prudence                               
Yenced all her male students,                               
So damned if she knows who's the father.                    
                                                            
55418 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  158      



When the doctor examined Ms. Keast,                         
He told the young lady, "At least                           
The last time I heard                                       
That this thing occurred,                                   
A bright star appeared in the East."                        
                                                            
55419 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      A. N. Wilkins       P8503



You weasel, you wart, you damn germ!                        
Your mom did not carry full term --                         
She just threw you out                                      
Because, there's no doubt,                                  
You were made from really bad sperm.                        
                                                            
55420 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



It was really a female of Thame                             
Who fled there to cover her shame.                          
She was heavy with child,                                   
And it makes them so wild                                   
That their shortsighted Clerk took the blame.               
                                                            
55421 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      VOL 5                    



A French teacher, lovely and slim,                          
Was undone by the phrase, "Je vous aime."                   
She said, when time came                                    
To give junior a name,                                      
"It could have been him, him, or him!"                      
                                                            
55422 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Pierce Evans             



Cried the maid, "You must marry me, Hume!"                  
A statement that made David fume.                           
He said, "In cause and effect,                              
There is a defect;                                          
That it's mine you can only assume."                        
                                                            
55423 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      P. W. R. Foot            



It prompts her to laugh when her laddie                     
Says, "Mom, just who was my daddy?"                         
The old gal can't say...                                    
It could be Pete or Ray,                                    
Uncle Stephen or even her caddy!                            
                                                            
55424 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  920      



There once was a black goat named Shub                      
Who suggested men give her a rub.                           
Soon she started to growl,                                  
From the woods came a howl,                                 
And in nine months she spawned her a cub!                   
                                                            
55425 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Darren Sullivan          



A flustered you floozie from Fiji                           
Discovered, alas, she was P.G.                              
Said she, "Now let's see,                                   
Just who could it be?                                       
I've run quite a few through my squeegee."                  
                                                            
55426 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                         G1636a



An impotent old fellow in Butte,                            
Sued in a paternity suit,                                   
Said, "Judge, if such flattery'd                            
Recharge my dead battery,                                   
I'd pay her and ten others to boot.                         
                                                            
55427 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  616      



That sexy young teacher in Prother                          
Says having a baby's a bother.                              
Promiscuous Miss Prudence                                   
Yentzed all her male students,                              
So damned if she knows who's its father!                    
                                                            
55428 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                          G1710



I went back in time one May morn;                           
Made love to a maid in the corn.                            
And what do you know!                                       
After nine months or so,                                    
It turned out that Tiddy was born.                          
                                                            
55429 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



I travelled back twenty years more,                         
Again found a girl for to score.                            
A new kid was born, a                                       
Girlie, named Lorna...                                      
I'll leave you to work out the stor-y.                      
                                                            
55430 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



The Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe                            
Had twenty-two kids, it is true.                            
But nobody bothers                                          
To identify fathers                                         
So I say unto you, what is new?                             
                                                            
55431 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Albin Chaplin       P8701



Since the baby came, little Miss Snow                       
Won't diddle--she just hollers NO!                          
She thinks a fat senator                                    
Was its likely progenitor,                                  
But having laid ten, she can't know.                        
                                                            
55432 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                          G1719



There was a pregnant whore named Lil;                       
A hooker who'd not use the pill.                            
His game had been swift                                     
When he gave her this gift;                                 
Who was it?  John, Jim, or Bill?                            
                                                            
55433 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Rick H                   



Conception is now found inducible                           
By 'in vitro' detente in a crucible.                        
But the act is maligned                                     
Though the product's in kind,                               
As the honeymoon's irreproducible.                          
                                                            
55434 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Nancy Raymond       P8408



To the world, your semen must scatter,                      
Trying too hard not to flatter.                             
If too much is spread                                       
You'll wind up like bread,                                  
And rise up until you are fatter.                           
                                                            
55435 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Chris Tustin             



A parturient pixie of Corning                               
Remarked, with her offspring aborning,                      
"I never did bother                                         
To learn who's the father...                                
He left before daylight that morning!"                      
                                                            
55436 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  921      



A pregnant young lady named Nettie,                         
Could blame either John, Joe, or Freddie,                   
Or it could have been Thackery,                             
Or from Aaron to Zachary,                                   
For her mother said, "You can't go steady."                 
                                                            
55437 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Albin Chaplin   3024-1417



Reproduction had Jackie Lou lyrical                         
Till her belly began to get spherical...                    
Knowing her sexy yen,                                       
It was caused by some men,                                  
And not, as she claims, by a miracle!                       
                                                            
55438 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  754      



I met a plump girl in September.                            
The wedding bells rang in November.                         
But her avoirdupois                                         
Proved an unwanted joy                                      
When her baby arrived in December.                          
                                                            
55439 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Laurence Perrine    P8402



In a court a new mother from Lunt                           
When questioned was honest and blunt...                     
Asked, "By whom were you had                                
And was he the kid's dad?"                                  
She blushed and responded, "Mike Hunt."                     
                                                            
55440 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  454      



So my daddy was the milkman,                                
The father of all in my clan.                               
Some think it's a joke.                                     
Some noses are broke;                                       
Mom married him 'fore they began.                           
                                                            
55441 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



My siblings look like the milkman,                          
But only the five of us can                                 
Say that with straight face,                                
Because in our case                                         
The milkman is "Dad" in our clan.                           
                                                            
55442 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



They say it's a rare man who knows                          
His father, But then I suppose                              
'Tis a pretty safe bet,                                     
That the milkman did pet                                    
Your mama in times long ago.                                
                                                            
55443 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



A thought lurks deep in my mind,                            
When times were hard, often you'd find,                     
With no cash in sight,                                      
The lady'd invite                                           
You inside and would pay it in kind.                        
                                                            
55444 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



There was an old bastard named Gladys                       
And you know what her latest fad is?                        
Recalling the names                                         
Of her mothers old flames,                                  
To try to discover who dad is?                              
                                                            
55445 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Paul Westwood       P9607



Said a burgeoning Mary McCann,                              
"This infant is not here by plan...                         
From the doc's diagnosis,                                   
It's not due to osmosis...                                  
So it must be from sex with a man."                         
                                                            
55446 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  369      



A wistful young maiden from Reno                            
Was anxious to have a bambino;                              
And when she succeeded,                                     
The menfolk all pleaded                                     
"It must have been him. But not me. No!"                    
                                                            
55447 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Hugh Oliver         A078A



There was a young fellow named Steve                        
Who said happily, "Would you believe                        
That my wife is so saintly                                  
She has managed, quite quaintly,                            
Without help of mine, to conceive?"                         
                                                            
55448 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Isaac Asimov             



Peter so aptly named;                                       
Your mother is not to be blamed.                            
She couldn't be sure,                                       
Which peter du jour,                                        
Was your daddy or in which end they camed.                  
                                                            
55449 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl who was raped by an humanoid                         
Soon felt life in her abdumanoid.                           
But the pregnancy was                                       
Not quite average because                                   
In darkness her belly was luminoid.                         
                                                            
55450 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                          G2602



An indolent fellow named Fife                               
Sure leads a most weird sort of life:                       
He may not be crazy,                                        
But jeez! Is he lazy:                                       
He married a young pregnant wife.                           
                                                            
55451 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Armand Singer       P0001



The hooker who covers our block                             
Can't doff for every new cock.                              
Grotesque is her son who                                    
Was sired on a run through,                                 
By semen fine-strained through her smock.                   
                                                            
55452 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Dick Buenger        P8309



There was a young fellow named Adam                         
Whose mother had once been a madam.                         
As for Daddy, the score                                     
Was at least seven, for                                     
On the day of conception, Ma'd had 'em.                     
                                                            
55453 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Isaac Asimov             



Smiled a round-heeled young floozy from Framingham,         
"My ten kids gave me fits just in naming 'em,               
But their several sires                                     
Sure as sin lit my fires,                                   
And it wouldn't be right to start blaming 'em."             
                                                            
55454 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Armand E Singer       107



The old folks have not been the same                        
Since a birth notice came from their Mame                   
Saying, "While I was plastered                              
I was gotten with bastard...                                
And I never did ask the guy's name!"                        
                                                            
55455 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  108      



There was a young girl of New York                          
Who said, "I'm expecting the stork.                         
I don't know the father;                                    
It is just too much bother.                                 
I guess I should have used a cork."                         
                                                            
55456 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                          G1696



"My God!", she declared in dismay.                          
She cried, "I am pregnant today!"                           
Though a duchess she was,                                   
She was baffled because,                                    
She'd no clue how she wound up this way.                    
(Novels must have religion, royalty, sex, mystery)          
55457 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      R Daneel                 



Anne went to a good plastic surgeon                         
To turn her back into a virgin,                             
In order to trick                                           
A rich guy named Dick,                                      
To give in to her maternal urgin'.                          
                                                            
55458 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      John Miller 0079         



Not only was Dick soon seduced,                             
The poor bastard was quickly reduced                        
To a married man's life                                     
With Anne as his wife,                                      
And the foetus he thought he'd produced.                    
                                                            
55459 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      John Miller 0079a        



The real father, however, was Stan,                         
And here's a small flaw in Anne's plan:                     
Alas and alack!                                             
Dick was white, Stan was black,                             
And the baby, a rich shade of tan.                          
                                                            
55460 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      John Miller 0079b        



Was Dick in the least bit, dismayed?                        
Not a bit! He just knelt down a prayed!                     
He blamed it on God,                                        
Not Stan's active rod,                                      
And the role that the surgeon had played.                   
                                                            
55461 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      John Miller 0079c        



Now, you wonder how this will turn out?                     
What, in fact, the whole thing is about?                    
Well, here's news for you:                                  
I'm wondering too --                                        
And a clue, without doubt, I'm without!                     
                                                            
55462 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      John Miller 0079d        



The twins born today to Miss Strother                       
Are causing one helluva bother.                             
She sexed forty men                                         
Again and again,                                            
So why does she claim I'm their father.                     
                                                            
55463 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  198      



"Yes, mother, it's starting to show,"                       
Said Nell, "But no use blaming Joe.                         
And I doubt it was Fred,                                    
Or the vicar, or Ned.                                       
The truth is, I simply don't know."                         
                                                            
55464 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      John Ciardi              



A woman who lived near Fort Worth                           
Was willing, she said, to give birth;                       
If men didn't butt in                                       
With their sex and their sin,                               
And there were no effect on her girth.                      
                                                            
55465 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Isaac Asimov             



Said the benefits clerk:  "Would you mind                   
Revealing, if you'd be so kind,                             
The dad of this kid?                                        
"I dunno who did                                            
The deed.  I was took from behind."                         
                                                            
55466 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Tiddy Ogg                



She added, "While bent over, puking                         
Out the window, I'd no chance for looking                   
To see while I heaved,                                      
What man had relieved                                       
His passion with rear mounted fooking."                     
                                                            
55467 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Tiddy Ogg                



And so, in the next claimant came.                          
"I really don't know who's to blame.                        
It happened by chance                                       
At an Army Camp dance,                                      
And Squaddies they all look the same."                      
                                                            
55468 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Tiddy Ogg                



In comes the third: "Sir, if it pleases,                    
I've never had sex.  Here's my thesis:                      
I've wrote to the Pope                                      
In the sure certain hope                                    
That here's the return of Lord Jesus."                      
                                                            
55469 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Tiddy Ogg                



Your excellent limerick, Tid,                               
Reminds me that I must now bid                              
A kind and fond greeting                                    
To children I'm meeting,                                    
Since each may damn well be my kid!                         
                                                            
55470 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Travis Brasell           



Three bawdy young women of Chatham,                         
Whose motto was, "Up, girls and at 'em!",                   
Could never recall                                          
With their babies and all,                                  
Just which of their guys had begat 'em.                     
                                                            
55471 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Keith MacMillan       68b



The lush and voluptuous Miss Strother                       
Says having twins was no bother.                            
What makes her rear tired                                   
Are the dopes who've inquired                               
As to which of her studs was the father.                    
                                                            
55472 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Grand Prix Lim  371      



A popular lady named Ritter                                 
Found many young fellows that fit her.                      
When her belly was swelling,                                
There was no way of telling                                 
Which tooth in the buzz saw had hit her.                    
                                                            
55473 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Albin Chaplin   3024-1422



Said a shameless young girl of Bagdad,                      
Concerning the twins she'd just had:                        
"At the party, while tight,                                 
Fellows used me all night,                                  
So how can I know who's the dad?                            
                                                            
55474 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                          G1636



A pregnant young lady named Kant                            
Was asked who had been her gallant.                         
"When it's wild oats you sow,                               
Tell me, how you can know                                   
Which seed grew which singular plant?"                      
                                                            
55475 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Albin Chaplin   3024-1412



Just like the ho said, getting laid:                        
"I know for mistakes I'll be paid.                          
You reap what you sow,"                                     
Said yo' mama the ho,                                       
And that mistake's how you was made.                        
                                                            
55476 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN                               



When a lady returned from Big Moose,                        
Her husband exclaimed, "What the deuce!                     
I am quite reconciled                                       
To the Call of the Wild,                                    
But where did you get that papoose?"                        
                                                            
55477 PREGNANT - FATHER UNKNOWN      Morris Bishop            



Slightly pregnant but still a good lay,                     
A torrid young Jill from Back Bay                           
Said, "I reckon I ought                                     
Not to sex, being caught,                                   
But I CAN'T be caught now the same way!"                    
                                                            
55478 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Grand Prix Lim  651      



There was a young lady of Delhi,                            
Who had a bad pain in her belly.                            
Her relations all smiled.                                   
'Cause they found her with child                            
By his honor, the Chief Batsman Kelly.                      
(Published 1870)                                            
55479 PREGNANT - HAPPY                                   L0922



A gentleman quite debonair                                  
Had ideas about sex LAISSEZ-FAIRE,                          
Till he met a real cutie                                    
Who taught him his duty                                     
Was to family since he'd made an heir.                      
                                                            
55480 PREGNANT - HAPPY               J'Carlin                 



While in Brisbane, he happened to blunder                   
On the reason why girls there are fecunder:                 
They've stock genitalia,                                    
But the girls in Australia,                                 
Every day of their lives, are down under!                   
                                                            
55481 PREGNANT - HAPPY                                        



I'm starting to feel rather vexed;                          
I'm wondering what to do next.                              
I'll make an admission;                                     
My pregnant condition,                                      
Is making me feel highly sexed!!                            
                                                            
55482 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Jayne                    



My husband, he often works late,                            
(He's got to keep food on our plate...)                     
Such frustration is mine,                                   
For love I do pine,                                         
As I long for our hips to gyrate.                           
                                                            
55483 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Jayne                    



It was no immaculate conception,                            
You won't fall for that old deception.                      
I'm sure you can guess,                                     
I got in this mess,                                         
'Cause I just can't resist an erection!                     
                                                            
55484 PREGNANT - HAPPY                                        



What's happened since carrying this child?                  
I used to be pleasant and mild.                             
With sex I'm obsessed,                                      
One touch of my breast,                                     
Has me groaning and going quite wild.                       
                                                            
55485 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Jayne                    



My man finds it hard to keep pace;                          
I pin him all over the place.                               
A few years ago,                                            
He would not say no,                                        
But now find that I have to give chase.                     
                                                            
55486 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Jayne                    



A specialist in infertility                                 
Had diagnosed 'mutual sterility.'                           
But gametes from Ken                                        
And some ova from Gwen                                      
Still geve John and Sue the ability.                        
                                                            
55487 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Sandra Hartley           



At this point, Sue made the admission                       
She wasn't keen on parturition,                             
And thought to enquire                                      
About surrogate hire.                                       
Patricia then gave her permission.                          
                                                            
55488 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Sandra Hartley           



The zygotes were made in a dish.                            
One reject was ditched (parent's wish).                     
Two others were frozen,                                     
And three finally chosen                                    
For placement inside Aunty Trish.                           
                                                            
55489 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Sandra Hartley           



One baby succumbed (never mind)                             
Another was thought to be blind.                            
Selective abortion                                          
(A measure of caution)                                      
Left one born -- consumer designed!                         
                                                            
55490 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Sandra Hartley           



Though full nine months pregnant, Miss Kitchener            
Found sexual passion still itchin' her,                     
And in spite of the pain,                                   
She laughed like a drain,                                   
At the thought of that son of a bitch in her.               
                                                            
55491 PREGNANT - HAPPY                                   G1675



A sensuous lass of North Bay,                               
Not afraid to be laid in the hay,                           
Gave it all without shame,                                  
Till at last she became,                                    
So to speak, in the family way.                             
                                                            
55492 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Keith MacMillan       71a



A young Eskimo girl named Annie,                            
Said, "Mother, you'll soon be a granny.                     
Not, as you suppose is,                                     
Caused by rubbing noses,                                    
But having Nanook in my cranny."                            
                                                            
55493 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Bob Giandomenico    P9407



The big rounded belly on Nellie                             
Was due to a joker named Kelly,                             
Who found it was fun                                        
To shoot from his gun                                       
In the belly of Nellie his jelly.                           
                                                            
55494 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Grand Prix Lim  204      



A single young lady named Potter                            
Would never go close to the water.                          
She stayed in the sun                                       
And had lots of fun,                                        
But now she has twins and a daughter.                       
                                                            
55495 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Laurence Patterson  P9309



There was a young lady named Flo,                           
Who lover had pulled out too slow.                          
So they tried it all night                                  
'Till he got it just right.                                 
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.                    
                                                            
55496 PREGNANT - HAPPY                                   L0926



She informed her dear husband with glee,                    
"We'll soon be two plus, dear, that's three!                
Dick, Tom, Michael or Harry,                                
Ashley, Jon, even Barry,"                                   
She said "Maybe he'll be a she!"                            
                                                            
55497 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Arthur Pattaffy          



A small population increase                                 
Is due to a dolly in Greece,                                
Who spread on a bed                                         
For a cocksman named Ed,                                    
Full many an interesting crease.                            
                                                            
55498 PREGNANT - HAPPY                                   G1670



A couple with fated ontogeny                                
Desired to help human phylogeny.                            
They read in the tabloids                                   
That donated haploids                                       
Could grant them their much wanted progeny.                 
                                                            
55499 PREGNANT - HAPPY               Sandra Hartley           



Archie, my wild Aussie brother!                             
Has been screwing around with some other.                   
Your waist it's affecting                                   
'Cause now your expecting --                                
And you don't even know who's the mother.                   
                                                            
55500 PREGNANT - MALES               Ericka                   



Well he's got it made in the shade!                         
Did you know that C. Chaplin made                           
A trust fund for man                                        
Who (if ever) can                                           
Give birth to a kid. Celebrate.                             
                                                            
55501 PREGNANT - MALES               Nik Synytskyy            



I have to think what to do.                                 
Unmarried dads, a problem, true.                            
If I knew who was the Mum,                                  
Dad'd get out his gun;                                      
A wedding would take place quite soon.                      
                                                            
55502 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



But, trust me, that won't happen here,                      
Maybe an abortion, I fear.                                  
That's not the answer,                                      
I might get a cancer,                                       
And lose everything I hold dear.                            
                                                            
55503 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



Of course, there's adoption, that's hard;                   
Small kids growing up without Dard.                         
And I know I'll grieve                                      
When seeing it leave,                                       
And I'd cry if I let down my guard.                         
                                                            
55504 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



And girls, I will need your advice,                         
On handling results of my vice;                             
To carry to term                                            
Or treat like a germ;                                       
I'm confused and not very nice.                             
                                                            
55505 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



So Archie is pregnant, they say.                            
Has this been confirmed, by the way?                        
You've had ultrasound                                       
On that nice little mound?                                  
Do you know when is your due day?                           
                                                            
55506 PREGNANT - MALES               Marlene                  



If I knew to use pink or blue,                              
I would knit a bunting for you.                             
Well, it'd be for the baby                                  
Unless you think, maybe,                                    
That you will be needing one too.                           
                                                            
55507 PREGNANT - MALES               Marlene                  



Have you planned the baby's layette?                        
Know how many diapers to get?                               
Because you're a man,                                       
The formula plan,                                           
And get baby bottles: one set.                              
                                                            
55508 PREGNANT - MALES               Marlene                  



My gosh, there is so much to do.                            
Does not sound like you have a clue!                        
Go purchase a crib                                          
And a new baby bib,                                         
And one diaper pail for the loo!                            
                                                            
55509 PREGNANT - MALES               Marlene                  



My friend, Marlene, thanks for your help.                   
In March of next year, I will whelp.                        
The ultrasound things                                       
Confirmed it is twins.                                      
Having them, I think I will yelp!                           
                                                            
55510 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



I have worked out the ova doner --                          
With Ericka I lost my honor!                                
With Peter away,                                            
She and I did play.                                         
I then lost a duel aloner.                                  
                                                            
55511 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



For your knitting help, I thank you,                        
But you will be knitting for two!                           
It's a bit of a stink,                                      
But I need some in pink                                     
For her, and for him, some in blue.                         
                                                            
55512 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



These diapers (called nappies down here)                    
Sound grotty and smelly.  I fear                            
Some use of Duct Tape                                       
Could contain the pape,                                     
And might even stop them from wee'r!                        
                                                            
55513 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



But with all of the rest of the stuff,                      
I'm truly confused quite enough.                            
What size do I get;                                         
Not used to it yet.                                         
Please help me while I'm up the duff.                       
                                                            
55514 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



You must think I'm very dumb                                
(Obviously not doing my sums)                               
But I haven't a clue                                        
As to who, just who                                         
Can possibly have been the Mum!                             
                                                            
55515 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



Well it certainly couldn't be me;                           
We canoodled just once by the sea                           
On my trip down-under.                                      
No sexual blunder                                           
Took place.  I'll tell y'all for free.                      
                                                            
55516 PREGNANT - MALES               Joie de Vivre            



The next time in Archie's van,                              
He tried it on.  (Typical man!)                             
"I'll warm up you body                                      
Without a hot-toddy";                                       
The offer was there... but I ran.                           
                                                            
55517 PREGNANT - MALES               Joie de Vivre            



I've checked out the dates and the sums;                    
I'm no longer naive or just dumb.                           
The labs did the test;                                      
I know all the rest.                                        
I know who put what in my tum!                              
                                                            
55518 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



But isn't it just like a girl,                              
My privates you just had to twirl!                          
You had your night's fun,                                   
And now that you're done,                                   
You leave with your dress all aswirl!                       
                                                            
55519 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



I fell for your charms so pronounced,                       
And on to me you did then pounce.                           
You had your fun lay                                        
And now I must pay.                                         
Don't blame me if I fairly flounce!                         
                                                            
55520 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



You're somewhat confused, 'twould appear;                   
'Twas I, the horned Father of Fear                          
Who supplied the smegs                                      
To ripen those eggs                                         
Once dormant inside Archies' rear.                          
                                                            
55521 PREGNANT - MALES               Old Nick                 



I withdrew from his butt before dawn                        
And when Archie awoke with a yawn,                          
The pain causing worry                                      
Was put down to curry                                       
And not to my devilish spawn.                               
                                                            
55522 PREGNANT - MALES               Old Nick                 



When Arch takes to his whelping bed                         
And out pops the first little head,                         
An upside-down Aussie,                                      
No sixes he'll see;                                         
He'll find there'll be three nines instead.                 
                                                            
55523 PREGNANT - MALES               Old Nick                 



The worst day that he's ever had:                           
Afraid he might be going mad,                               
Had Doc check his dimple.                                   
Said Doc, "Well, It's simple --                             
The truth is, you're pregnant, poor Chad!"                  
                                                            
55524 PREGNANT - MALES                                        



My sufferings never will stop.                              
I am pregnant.  In pain I will drop.                        
And the cause of this mess                                  
Is my wicked wife Tess,                                     
Who insisted in riding on top.                              
                                                            
55525 PREGNANT - MALES                                        



"My sufferings never will stop.                             
I am pregnant. In pain I will drop.                         
And the cause of this mess                                  
Is my wicked wife Tess,                                     
Who insisted in riding on top."                             
                                                            
55526 PREGNANT - MALES                                        



I'm suffering from a shrinking bladder,                     
My stomach is getting much fatter.                          
I've no one to hold,                                        
My friends have been told                                   
I'm nothing except a loose slattern.                        
                                                            
55527 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



This role, single father-to-be,                             
Gets harder and harder, you see.                            
You know I have sinned,                                     
(Behind your hand grinned)                                  
The Mum runs around 'cause she's free!                      
                                                            
55528 PREGNANT - MALES               Archie                   



Pregnancy Tip #1.                                           
Be sure ovulation's begun.                                  
Don't worry if bloke                                        
Shies away from a poke;                                     
Just threaten his knob with a gun.                          
                                                            
55529 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Peter Wilkins            



Pregnancy Tip #2.                                           
Retaining The Glutinous Goo.                                
When Bloke's filled your crack,                             
Stay flat on your back,                                     
With a bung up your watchmado.                              
                                                            
55530 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Peter Wilkins            



A girl thought it wise to divulge                           
The reason her belly did bulge:                             
"It is not pie and cheese                                   
Which expands my chemise,                                   
I suspect it's the sport I indulge."                        
                                                            
55531 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8403



A pregnant young lady from Perth,                           
Whose stomach had grown to great girth,                     
Was said to have twain,                                     
But the doc loocked again                                   
And said "That one's just afterbirth."                      
                                                            
55532 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Gearhart                 



Though normally I'd use contraception,                      
In this case I made an exception.                           
In a lane, back of Tesco,                                   
We did it al fresco,                                        
And I'm quite sure it led to conception.                    
                                                            
55533 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



A satyr named Anton from Scranton                           
Can even get cautious babes pantin'.                        
Today there's no telling                                    
How many are swelling                                       
From the baby-juice Anton's been plantin'.                  
                                                            
55534 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                   G1717



"Oh, please give me babies, Doc Dell!"                      
"We'll grease up the syringe with gel.                      
A semen injection                                           
Should work to perfection.                                  
And soon your sweet belly will swell."                      
                                                            
55535 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Ward Hardman             



"Can't help it, by God, If I cringe,                        
Cried Joan, as she spied the syringe.                       
"There's no way in Hell,                                    
I want that, Dr Dell,                                       
Even half of an inch up my minge!"                          
                                                            
55536 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Peter Wilkins            



She told me, I was filled with delight.                     
She said, "You're the guy I was with that night."           
I took her words to be true,                                
but somehow I knew,                                         
That her story just didn't seem right.                      
                                                            
55537 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Jim Weaver Collection    



My Mother would often advise                                
"My son, you must never surmise;                            
Some women's intentions                                     
May bypass preventions;                                     
Nine months yields a bawling surprise!"                     
                                                            
55538 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Mark Levy           P9606



Take care when dispatching your batches                     
Of spermatozoa up snatches,                                 
That nowt later itches,                                     
Like fuck in your britches,                                 
And nowt call you "Dad" if it hatches.                      
                                                            
55539 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Peter Wilkins            



There was a young maid of North Platte                      
Who suddenly got very fat;                                  
He mother said, "Kate,                                      
Is it something you ate,                                    
Or have you been out on a bat?"                             
                                                            
55540 PREGNANT - MAYBE               William K. Alsop    P8810



I'm sorry your rabbit died;                                 
I'm sorry that I came inside.                               
Can't buy you a ring.                                       
Oh, one more thing:                                         
Close your eyes. Open Wide!                                 
                                                            
55541 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Gene Brady               



Remember the farmer called Blue?                            
With the twenty-foot didgeridoo?                            
I'm sad to report                                           
He's been taken to court                                    
By some Sheilas now didgeridue.                             
                                                            
55542 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



He has said that it can't be his spew                       
Which has caused all the trouble to brew:                   
With the length of his beam,                                
Though it starts as a stream                                
It emerges as didgeridew.                                   
                                                            
55543 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Politicians, it seems, always knock...                      
They just stand around, watching clock.                     
They knock off at two,                                      
To knock down some brew,                                    
And go knock up the girl down the block.                    
                                                            
55544 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Crazy Legs          T9801



The girl of a young man from Kent                           
Heard that babies from heaven were sent.                    
She removed all her raiment                                 
And got a down payment;                                     
It was then that she knew what was meant.                   
                                                            
55545 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Albin Chaplin            



An unmarried lady named Blanche,                            
Mounts unholstered dudes on her ranch.                      
With pure satisfaction,                                     
She rides to distraction;                                   
Her family tree may soon branch.                            
                                                            
55546 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Mark Levy                



On tiring of chicken and cow,                               
Tall Thomas then took to the plow.                          
But the furrow indeed,                                      
Where he planted his seed,                                  
Was fertile and far fuller now.                             
                                                            
55547 PREGNANT - MAYBE               John Miller              



On tiring of chicken and cow,                               
Tall Thomas then took to the plow.                          
But the furrow indeed,                                      
Where he planted his seed,                                  
Was fertile and far fuller now.                             
                                                            
55548 PREGNANT - MAYBE               John Miller              



A lassie from just south of Troon                           
Was faced with a life filled with ruin.                     
Though she'd a leg over                                     
Just once, fertile ova                                      
Were waiting there for her first screwin'.                  
                                                            
55549 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Young Christopher did the good deed                         
For the very first time, but his seed                       
Was implanted in Myrtle.                                    
He hopes she's not fertile;                                 
If so he'll be gone with some speed.                        
                                                            
55550 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Now Myrtle took part in the deed,                           
For reasons of plain simple greed.                          
Poor Chris has been had;                                    
And won't she be mad,                                       
If her time comes and she starts to bleed?                  
                                                            
55551 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



No need, though, for her to stay pissed;                    
Poor Christopher's seldom been kissed.                      
So one little pucker                                        
Will reign in that sucker.                                  
Till she chalks up a period missed.                         
                                                            
55552 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Myrtle's now swelled up with child;                         
Her explative's, none of them mild,                         
Toward that rotten young cur                                
Whose named Christopher,                                    
The bastard that had her defiled.                           
                                                            
55553 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



There was a young lady called Carla                         
Who entertained her young men in the parlour.               
Without mum's permission,                                   
It stayed intermission.                                     
Her last friend fled to Guatemala.                          
                                                            
55554 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Arthur Pattaffy          



An eccentric old spinster called Lowell,                    
Announced to her friends, "Bless my soul,                   
I've gained so much weight,                                 
I am sorry to state,                                        
I fear that I'm going to foal.                              
                                                            
55555 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Seven embryos had family B.                                 
When they were divorced not amicably.                       
M.B. thought that maybe                                     
He could incubate baby;                                     
Someone who would coo and say "Pappy."                      
                                                            
55556 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Dr Limerick              



But J.B. had her reservations                               
About such proxy procreation;                               
She did not want her genes                                  
Reproduced by these means,                                  
So of course there ensued litigation.                       
                                                            
55557 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Dr Limerick              



The court ruled that both must agree                        
Before growing a new baby B.,                               
So the embryos wait                                         
In a frozen dark state                                      
For a change of heart or death of J.B.                      
                                                            
55558 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Dr Limerick              



A pasha whose passion was great,                            
To his harem said, "I wish to state                         
You are not to forget                                       
You are here to beget...                                    
Let's begin to beget, for it's late."                       
                                                            
55559 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Grand Prix Lim  913      



There once was a girl, kind of shy,                         
And I was her first (don't know why).                       
She was grateful as hell,                                   
But afraid she would swell.                                 
Not long after I bade her goodbye.                          
                                                            
55560 PREGNANT - MAYBE               John Miller              



We fellows, we do love our fun!                             
We seek out that special someone...                         
With no sense of shame,                                     
We play Eros game                                           
And hope that we get a home run!                            
                                                            
55561 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Observer                 



A suspicious old husband from Funtua                        
To his wife said, "How bulky in front you are.              
You have not been imprudent,                                
I should hope, with a student?"                             
She replied, "Really, dear, how blunt you are!"             
                                                            
55562 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                   G2692



There was a young lady of Perth,                            
Who constantly kept giving birth.                           
"Oh, how do I stop?"                                        
She asked boyfriend on top,                                 
Who was too busy plowing for mirth.                         
                                                            
55563 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Don Humphries            



Then there was the case of my date,                         
Who said, "Don't rush off, please do wait.                  
I just want to tell...                                      
But ah... What the hell,                                    
I hate to say, dear, but I'm late."                         
                                                            
55564 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



I said, "What the hell does that mean?                      
You are the most timely I've seen.                          
When we meet at eight                                       
You've never been late.                                     
If you mean you're preggers, I'll SCREAM."                  
                                                            
55565 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



She said, "You can scream, you can howl,                    
And make other noises most foul.                            
But, dear, you've been poking,                              
And no, I'm not joking;                                     
This isn't a distended bowel."                              
                                                            
55566 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



So I had to swallow my fears,                               
And manage to choke back the tears.                         
What she said was true,                                     
And off freedom flew...                                     
We're married now for fifty years.                          
                                                            
55567 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



So watch where you slip that dick, fella,                   
And listen to what I must tell ya.                          
I hope you believed                                         
That tale I conceived;                                      
I've got this big bridge that I'll sell ya.                 
                                                            
55568 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Said weakly a fellow named Cossitt,                         
"That rubber was torn you say, was it?"                     
Said she, "Listen well:                                     
You'll pay if I swell;                                      
Big interest on your deposit!"                              
                                                            
55569 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Paul Westwood       P9607



A nasty old biddy, Eclampsya,                               
Sobbed: "Slap a guy down if he vampsya!                     
He knows what he's doing--                                  
All he wants is some screwing--                             
But the baby! My God! How it crampsya!"                     
                                                            
55570 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                   G2327



We claim to be pureblood Scot.                              
On our family tree, not a blot.                             
But we don't know                                           
'Cause it doesn't show,                                     
Whether a bull jumped the fence or not.                     
                                                            
55571 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Les Stewart              



To knock up a girl from Trieste,                            
One method has proven the best.                             
You really can't lose;                                      
Jack off on her shoes,                                      
And then let the flies do the rest!                         
                                                            
55572 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Number Two          P9011



Some claim "Student Revenge." I'm not sure;                 
Motivation at times tends to blur.                          
Young stud shoots no blanks,                                
So LeTourneau give thanks,                                  
Though it's plain, he has it in for her.                    
(teacher seduces 14 year old boy and has child by him)      
55573 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



You gals sure all are wet and wild;                         
You obviously don't like it mild.                           
Sex steamy and hot                                          
while smoking some pot;                                     
I'll be long gone before comes the child.                   
                                                            
55574 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



On a long weekend in Hong Kong,                             
Thought I'd try a game of Majong.                           
A chinaman said                                             
We play it in bed;                                          
Three weeks late, do you think I was conned?                
                                                            
55575 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



A game of Majong in his bed                                 
Sounds a safe form of sex; but it led                       
(So it seems from your plight)                              
To another delight;                                         
I would guess he meant Poker instead.                       
                                                            
55576 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



A spermatozoa called Roy,                                   
Swam for inches, and then to his joy,                       
He met a nice egg,                                          
And started to beg,                                         
"Let me in and we'll make a nice boy."                      
                                                            
55577 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Jim Weaver Collection    



He said, as he buttoned his pants                           
"Soon your sisters will all become aunts;                   
Thought I'd sooner the others                               
Would also be mothers;                                      
Could you make introductions, perchance?"                   
                                                            
55578 PREGNANT - MAYBE               John Miller 0130         



The way of a man with a maid                                
Will lead her from virgin to crad-                          
le: God's marvelous plan                                    
Starts on a divan,                                          
With a guy who just wants to get laid.                      
                                                            
55579 PREGNANT - MAYBE               John Miller 0275         



They tell of the seamstress, Miss Treadwell,                
Whose needle the boys would all thread well.                
When her monthlies were late                                
And she didn't mend straight,                               
She filled all the fellows with dread well.                 
                                                            
55580 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Martin Wellborn     P9212



An obstinate Scotsman, felt lackin'                         
Of companionship ready for packin'.                         
"Don' wan' me nae lass, so                                  
I be off tae Glasgow,                                       
An' knock up me mate Phil McCracken."                       
                                                            
55581 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



She offered a bit of the other;                             
I gave her first one, then another.                         
But after the fun,                                          
I'm now on the run,                                         
For one thing has led to her mother.                        
                                                            
55582 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Frank Sfa                



The inside trader's not feeling great;                      
He was caught trading after hours (late).                   
There is other lateness, too,                               
Caused by a night he'll rue;                                
The period of his secretary, Kate.                          
                                                            
55583 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



Ladies on top bring you joy;                                
If pregnant, it will be a boy.                              
The other way around,                                       
There is a girl bound                                       
With brand new parents to annoy.                            
                                                            
55584 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Jojo                     



Of trees, the young girls he would teach;                   
The oak and the ash and the beech,                          
And there in the willow,                                    
With leaves as a pillow,                                    
Some seed he would plant into each.                         
                                                            
55585 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



The worst day that he ever had:                             
Afraid he might be going mad,                               
Had Doc check his dimple.                                   
Said Doc, "Well, it's simple --                             
The truth is you're pregnant, poor Chad!"                   
                                                            
55586 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Marlene Lewis            



Whenever old Betty felt sad                                 
She'd send for a strapping young lad.                       
After drinks and a bite                                     
And a very good-night,                                      
She'd send home a possible dad.                             
                                                            
55587 PREGNANT - MAYBE               CM                       



There once was a girl from LaPaz,                           
Whose sexual ooohs and aaahs                                
At the time were quite pleasing,                            
But now it's just wheezing;                                 
She practicing up on Lamaze.                                
                                                            
55588 PREGNANT - MAYBE               MrMalo                   



Said a carefree young maiden named Scott,                   
"I don't care if I'm pregnant or not;                       
It's simply ridiculous                                      
To be so meticulous --                                      
If kids come I'll poison the lot."                          
                                                            
55589 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Armand E Singer       678



Said a gloomy young lady named Bloomer:                     
"I do hope this lump is a tumor.                            
I'd be very dismayed--                                      
Since I did once get laid--                                 
To find I'm with child by my roomer."                       
                                                            
55590 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Grand Prix Lim  896 G1640



Do you hope your new-century babe'll                        
Be born with that First of Jan label?                       
Then experts relate                                         
April 9 is the date                                         
To reserve for romance if you're able!                      
                                                            
55591 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Prof M-G                 



A newlywed bride named of Karen,                            
Who feared lest her womb might prove barren,                
Collected some sperm                                        
From dear hubby's worm,                                     
And parked it to hatch in friend Sharon.                    
                                                            
55592 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Armand E Singer       609



They say thay cute lass, Tori Spelling                      
Got Birthday humps in her home dwelling.                    
And it may be deduced                                       
That this action produced                                   
Some attractive (and lucrative) swelling.                   
                                                            
55593 PREGNANT - MAYBE               John E Mayhood      P0001



The young only child, Tiffny Mills,                         
Was convinced one of life's greatest thrills                
Would be to have a brother.                                 
"No, no way," said her mother,                              
"But I'm taking your birth control pills!"                  
                                                            
55594 PREGNANT - MAYBE               L C Fitzhugh        P0111



There was a young lady named [  (Bracket)                   
Who raised such a hidious racket                            
Over one missing .  (period)                                
But her reasons were myriad,                                
For she took the wrong pill from her packet.                
                                                            
55595 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Albin Chaplin   3024-1962



The Scots are the most potent fucks,                        
So beware when your clothing he shucks.                     
When he tosses his caber,                                   
You'll end up in labor,                                     
After months of those morning up-chucks.                    
                                                            
55596 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Archie                   



Heartfelt sighs straggled out of Miss Day                   
"Am I pregnant?" She cried in dismay?                       
Did I wander in time,                                       
Out of culture and clime,                                   
End ensnared by a troubadour's lay?"                        
                                                            
55597 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Esther Koch         P0102



Jerome and his wife Cindy Meyer                             
Went looking for wombs they could hire.                     
"I'm barren," she said,                                     
"Take Jerry to bed,                                         
And make my dear hubby a sire."                             
                                                            
55598 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



"We long for a bundle of joy,                               
So cuddle with Jer, don't be coy...                         
There must be coitions!                                     
No in vitro additions...                                    
It's our Faith, that a phallus deploy!"                     
                                                            
55599 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Now you must visit us when fertile,                         
Otherwise it won't be worthwhile.                           
And bring a cute teddy                                      
To get Jerry ready;                                         
He'll select the position and style.                        
                                                            
55600 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



"You may have to visit a lot,                               
But if you behave as you ought,                             
And conceive with my honey,                                 
There'll be lots of money,                                  
So give it your very best shot!"                            
                                                            
55601 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



Now this is a very sad tale!                                
In spite of their efforts, seems they'll                    
Await not a babe                                            
But an oldster called Gabe...                               
A bondsman who's come to post bail.                         
                                                            
55602 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



A ninety-pound loser named Leamon                           
Is sore at his wife -- is he steamin'?                      
He claims, "I'm no dummy,                                   
That bulge in your tummy                                    
Is due to some other guy's semen."                          
                                                            
55603 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Armand E Singer       745



My dear lovely cousin, Miss Jane,                           
Would like to get pregnant again.                           
She's seeking smart donors                                  
With sizeable boners.                                       
She's hoping we'll all pull a train.                        
                                                            
55604 PREGNANT - MAYBE                                        



There once was a girl that I knew;                          
We made love a time or two.                                 
But during one erection,                                    
We did not use protection,                                  
And now I know not what to do.                              
                                                            
55605 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Oliver Closhoff          



If you think she just wants you to pay                      
For a good time and roll in the hay,                        
Have a pregnancy test.                                      
To put matters to rest                                      
Have her take the other test...DNA.                         
                                                            
55606 PREGNANT - MAYBE               S C Saint                



You would have no need for protection,                      
From becoming a dad or infection.                           
Had you asked our Les                                       
For a loan of his Bess,                                     
To screw her without disinfection.                          
                                                            
55607 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Petunia                  



So, what was the result of this screw?                      
A disease? Is she eating for two?                           
It's not so darn bad,                                       
Just being a dad.                                           
'Bout the other, I haven't a clue.                          
                                                            
55608 PREGNANT - MAYBE               John Miller              



Please lay off of Bessie for now;                           
She's mom to a new baby cow.                                
The baby is bald;                                           
Dolly, she's called.                                        
I've had to take up with a sow.                             
                                                            
55609 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Les Stewart              



"Make a baby," demanded Miss Lopp;                          
He quickly obliged -- wham, bam, pop!                       
"Where's the baby?" said she.                               
"It takes nine months," said he;                            
"Then why in the world did you stop?"                       
                                                            
55610 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Ed Potts            P8606



Raged pater familias Grant                                  
"No wonder you find you're enceinte;                        
Your daughters believe                                      
Until you conceive,                                         
Why worry, 'I'm sure that I shan't.'"                       
                                                            
55611 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Armand E Singer       767



'Twas enough to make grown people mope;                     
Several tries, still the doctor said "Nope."                
But when sis said, "You bet!                                
I've a small womb to let,"                                  
It gave Paul and Angela new hope.                           
                                                            
55612 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Rob                      



In bedrooms, in sexual relation                             
In all fifty states of the nation,                          
At this moment we'll find                                   
Boys and girls of one mind...                               
To add to our vast population.                              
                                                            
55613 PREGNANT - MAYBE               Grand Prix Lim  527      



I did follow that ancient tradition,                        
April Fool's Day without inhibition.                        
Told my love I was preg-                                    
Nant -- He near swooned and stag-                           
Gered like hit!  That went past my ambition.                
                                                            
55614 PREGNANT - NOT                                          



There once was a mother called Beth,                        
Who named her new baby boy Seth.                            
He was born with a rash                                     
And a walrus mustache.                                      
They say she was tickled to death.                          
                                                            
55615 PREGNANT - NOT                 World Bst Drty Lims P0101



"I don't want those sperms impregnating                     
Me!", Shirley complained extricating                        
Herself from my pump;                                       
Then she gave it a thump                                    
Causing bruises and instant deflating.                      
                                                            
55616 PREGNANT - NOT                                          



"Praise to God from whom all blessings flow,"               
Sang a thankful young girl, Wanda Jo;                       
Since her menses came late                                  
After only one date                                         
With some guy she'd just gotten to know.                    
                                                            
55617 PREGNANT - NOT                 Robin K. Willoughby P8707



Said an innocent bride name of Huff,                        
When questioned by mother, so gruff,                        
"No, I won't have a baby,                                   
There's no if, and or maybe                                 
I just can't seem to swallow that stuff!"                   
                                                            
55618 PREGNANT - NOT                 Albin Chaplin            



When a friend told a typist called Eve,                     
"Your boss is too good to believe.                          
You can't type, you can't spell,                            
Why's he pay you so well?"                                  
She answered, "I cannot conceive."                          
                                                            
55619 PREGNANT - NOT                 Gordon Harper            



If the life on this earth is a treasure,                    
And man is to treasure this leisure,                        
He must plan each new birth                                 
Lest he plague the whole earth;                             
He must do far more fucking for pleasure.                   
                                                            
55620 PREGNANT - NOT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2340



An innocent fellow named Mike                               
Mistakenly married a dyke.                                  
As she's one of the "boys"                                  
He will not know the joys                                   
Of diapering his own little tyke.                           
                                                            
55621 PREGNANT - NOT                 Armand E Singer       931



A sterile old loser named Shipper,                          
Desired to sire a wee nipper;                               
His sex was erective                                        
But sadly defective;                                        
Solution -- adopt Jack the Ripper.                          
                                                            
55622 PREGNANT - NOT                 Armand E Singer     P9902



A cautious young fellow named Artha,                        
Spent time at the Vineyard called Martha.                   
He poked every local                                        
Feminine yokel,                                             
And never became a fartha.                                  
                                                            
55623 PREGNANT - NOT                 Barry                    



A girl can now go and have fun                              
Without any fear of a bun                                   
Being baked in her oven                                     
After some lovin',                                          
Which probably took place on the run.                       
                                                            
55624 PREGNANT - NOT                 Ardens                   



An unwilling young father reflects                          
And makes this remark about sex:                            
"It's great for a pastime,                                  
But this is the last time,                                  
I'll get caught with its after effects.                     
                                                            
55625 PREGNANT - NOT                 Grand Prix Lim  623      



He leered and drooled, "Babe, you're the one                
I want in the sights of my gun."                            
But he's shooting blanks                                    
And so she says, "Thanks,                                   
For not filling my oven with bun."                          
                                                            
55626 PREGNANT - NOT                 Marlene Lewis            



Well, I pack a cannon what's bigger,                        
And all it wants is your hair trigger.                      
If you're off the pill,                                     
One bullet won't kill,                                      
But surely it will ruin your figure.                        
                                                            
55627 PREGNANT - NOT                 Frank Sfa                



Not my figure, sweetie, I'm sure,                           
No matter how you set your lure!                            
You'll probably figure                                      
That I've got no trigger --                                 
For I am disgustingly pure.                                 
                                                            
55628 PREGNANT - NOT                 Marlene Lewis            



An over-cautious young gal of Red Wing                      
Told her fellow, "I won't take your thing!                  
I'd rather have rabies                                      
Than a passel of babies,                                    
So don't get my rear in a sling!"                           
                                                            
55629 PREGNANT - NOT                 Grand Prix Lim  660      



In this nation where arrogant greed                         
Is only exceeded by need,                                   
And crime is in fashion,                                    
The ones with compassion                                    
Are those who decide not to breed.                          
                                                            
55630 PREGNANT - NOT                 Ann Gasser          P9501



Young Ann was a lady of grace,                              
Who never had egg on her face.                              
When she did break an egg,                                  
It would run down her leg --                                
In fact that was often the case.                            
                                                            
55631 PREGNANT - NOT                 Neal Wilgus         P8208



In Hohokus a girl named O'Rourke                            
Explained to her friend from New York,                      
"Nowadays I'm eschewing                                     
The sex I was doing,                                        
Since I learned kids ain't brought by the stork."           
                                                            
55632 PREGNANT - NOT                 Grand Prix Lim  317      



There was a young maid of New York                          
Who believed she'd a gift from the stork.                   
But thanks be to Jesus.                                     
It was pseudocyesis,                                        
So now she goes back to her work.                           
(pseudocyesis - involuntary simulation of pregnancy)        
55633 PREGNANT - NOT                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Wilma, "Last week I believed                           
I had slipped and had somehow conceived.                    
My prayers were a myriad,                                   
And I then got my period,                                   
And now, for a while, I'm reprieved."                       
                                                            
55634 PREGNANT - NOT                                          



If your family is small, you will star,                     
And trips you can take, near and far.                       
It is not simple luck,                                      
Just make sure you don't fuck                               
Yourself out of a seat in your car.                         
                                                            
55635 PREGNANT - NOT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2318



Said the eager young bride to her groom,                    
"I'll be pregnant quite soon, I assume?"                    
But would you believe,                                      
She failed to conceive,                                     
She had hundreds of chances, but blew 'em.                  
                                                            
55636 PREGNANT - NOT                 Ed Potts            P8511



"Oh Mayday!" cried May with some urgency;                   
"Please help me, this is an emergency!                      
I'm having a kiddie!"                                       
(The silly old biddy;                                       
She's 90, quite nuts and a virgin see?)                     
                                                            
55637 PREGNANT - NOT                                          



When she told me that I'd made her pregnant,                
I answered in tones most indignant:                         
"You've been playing the fool                               
In that old muddy pool.                                     
I think, my dear, you're just stagnant."                    
                                                            
55638 PREGNANT - NOT                 Tiddy Ogg                



A damsel in Venice once smiled                              
And said, "To remain undefiled,                             
Steer clear of man's menace...                              
It's not only in Venice                                     
That a gal can be gotten with child!"                       
                                                            
55639 PREGNANT - NOT                 Grand Prix Lim  879      



Doctor, your advice we will follow,                         
In despair we do not want to wallow!                        
We just can't conceive,                                     
It's hard to believe,                                       
'Cause I've always been careful to swallow.                 
                                                            
55640 PREGNANT - NOT                 TuttaGioia               



Is this a joke or a fact?                                   
You want a baby to cement your pact?                        
Have your gone raving mad                                   
In your quest to be "Dad".                                  
Do you lim a joke on the sex act?                           
                                                            
55641 PREGNANT - NOT                 Jayne                    



I'm afraid I've misled you, dear Jayne.                     
I quoted a lady from Spain,                                 
Who found normal sex                                        
Just far too complex,                                       
And involving her vulva profane.                            
                                                            
55642 PREGNANT - NOT                 TuttaGioia               



Her Hubby just sighed and said, "I'd                        
Be quite willing to take it in stride,                      
If orally you'd                                             
Show more aptitude,                                         
And stop biting me while I'm inside.                        
                                                            
55643 PREGNANT - NOT                 TuttaGioia               



So she practiced her oral techniques,                       
On bottles, bananas, and leeks...                           
She fellated the lot,                                       
And now she has got                                         
A permanent bulge in her cheeks.                            
                                                            
55644 PREGNANT - NOT                 TuttaGioia               



Now you see why they're dejected;                           
It's not what the two had expected...                       
They were wrong to assume,                                  
'Twixt larynx and womb                                      
Was a passage that inter-connected.                         
                                                            
55645 PREGNANT - NOT                 TuttaGioia               



Somewhere in the African landscape,                         
A person showed a pregnant shape.                           
On closer inspection                                        
And further reflection,                                     
A Somolian had swallowed a grape.                           
                                                            
55646 PREGNANT - NOT                 Tom Patton               



There is no such apprehension                               
Of pregnancy that you might mention.                        
Part of the lure                                            
Of a woman mature,                                          
Is love without this suspension.                            
                                                            
55647 PREGNANT - NOT                 Annie Jay                



He expected his lust would be realized                      
When he hit on the lady who tantalized.                     
He said, "Hey, pretty legs!                                 
How do you like your eggs                                   
In the morning?" She answered: "Unfertilized!"              
                                                            
55648 PREGNANT - NOT                 Al Willis           P9705



Wanting children, a couple one sat                          
For a course on how to begat.                               
When the doctor expounded,                                  
They stood up dumbfounded,                                  
And said they could never do that.                          
                                                            
55649 PREGNANT - NOT                 G W Hanney               



"My husband, don't get all so riled;                        
Our daughter was never defiled.                             
To prevent what you've said,                                
I have climbed in her bed,                                  
Though the trip in the darkness was wild."                  
                                                            
55650 PREGNANT - NOT                                          



There once was a virgin of London,                          
Who said to her lover, "I'm undone!                         
I've gon' in my chute                                       
And I'm pregnant to boot--                                  
Just see what your idea of fun done!"                       
                                                            
55651 PREGNANT - SAD                                     G1930



A shower for baby next week.                                
What sort of gifts can she seek?                            
This is her fifth one;                                      
That's quite enough, Hon!                                   
Prospects for a gift are quite bleak.                       
                                                            
55652 PREGNANT - SAD                 Marlene Lewis            



This tough question needs consideration                     
For the gift should match the occasion.                     
It should be something lasting;                             
For the mum? -- I'm just asking.                            
Give a voucher for sterilization!                           
                                                            
55653 PREGNANT - SAD                 Ulla                     



Though warned that Joe Doakes was a dastard,                
Who would rape her on getting her plastered,                
Now, alas! Fannie's fecund                                  
For she finally weakened,                                   
And she'll soon have that dastard's li'l bastard.           
                                                            
55654 PREGNANT - SAD                                     G1646



"I'm pregnant", she said with a sob,                        
"But with what, when, and how was the job                   
Done?"  "The 'when' was December,                           
The 'what' was my member,                                   
The 'how'? Let me show you", said Bob.                      
                                                            
55655 PREGNANT - SAD                                          



Imprudent and unwed May-Bette,                              
Had to shop for a basic layette.                            
When they told her the price                                
She gasped once or twice,                                   
But she paid.  And has more to pay yet.                     
                                                            
55656 PREGNANT - SAD                 John Ciardi              



I've not been around for a while,                           
Been tired and vomiting bile.                               
The kid in my belly                                         
Is giving me hell-y,                                        
And making me feel rather vile.                             
                                                            
55657 PREGNANT - SAD                 Jayne                    



After month three, I know it will go.                       
And my stomach it surely will grow.                         
Please forgive my low tone,                                 
I don't mean to moan.                                       
By month four I hope I'm aglow.                             
                                                            
55658 PREGNANT - SAD                 Jayne                    



The baby caused quite a sensation,                          
And Lester was full of elation,                             
But it did seem absurd                                      
That conception occurred                                    
While he was away on vacation.                              
                                                            
55659 PREGNANT - SAD                 Ann Gasser          P8709



An improvident girl from Syosset                            
Had a baby while locked in the closet.                      
The noise of her labors                                     
Brought out all the neighbors,                              
Which wasn't quite nice of her, was it?                     
                                                            
55660 PREGNANT - SAD                                     G1724



A lecherous student of Leeds,                               
One day had to pay for misdeeds.                            
When a man with a gun,                                      
Said, "You'll marry her, son--                              
You must harvest, when you sow the seeds."                  
                                                            
55661 PREGNANT - SAD                                          



There was a young girl from New York,                       
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork                         
From a fifth of champagne,                                  
Which she drank with disdain;                               
When it popped, it was heard by the stork.                  
                                                            
55662 PREGNANT - SAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1418



A pregnant ex-virgin of Canning                             
Said, "Sex is a thing that needs banning.                   
I gave in one day                                           
When Jay begged for a lay,                                  
But this bastard was none of our planning."                 
                                                            
55663 PREGNANT - SAD                 Grand Prix Lim  207      



I suggested that we should play doctor                      
And cajoled and slowly sweet-talked her.                    
We went back to the shed,                                   
Where her legs were widespread,                             
And then it was up that I knocked her.                      
                                                            
55664 PREGNANT - SAD                 Al Willis           T9711



An eminent Harley Street doctor                             
Had a visit from little Miss Proctor,                       
Who had to find out                                         
Beyond any doubt                                            
Just how far up her boyfriend had knocked her.              
                                                            
55665 PREGNANT - SAD                                     G1652



The lady vicar in Wyre Piddle                               
Had a swelling begin in her middle.                         
It wasn't Magog                                             
But Rover the dog,                                          
Who diddled her when she would fiddle.                      
                                                            
55666 PREGNANT - SAD                                          



A babe in our town named Miss Sawyer,                       
Claimed nothing could vex or annoy her.                     
But the bastard I fathered                                  
Got her all hot and bothered,                               
And I get nasty calls from her lawyer.                      
                                                            
55667 PREGNANT - SAD                 Grand Prix Lim  153      



An amateur lovely from Shaster                              
Was begotten with child at the Astor.                       
Said she, "It's creation                                    
Caused a major sensation,                                   
But to me it's a minor disaster."                           
                                                            
55668 PREGNANT - SAD                 Grand Prix Lim  193      



Said an amorous husband of Red Deer,                        
Breathing low to his wife, "Come to bed, dear."             
Muttered she, "What the hell,                               
I might just as well,                                       
'Cause I am a month late on my sched, dear."                
                                                            
55669 PREGNANT - SAD                 Keith MacMillan       92a



Begged an unwilling maiden named Mae,                       
"I beseech you, no romps in the hay!"                       
But her plea proved impractical,                            
Even anticlimactical,                                       
And a wee one was soon on its way.                          
                                                            
55670 PREGNANT - SAD                 Armand E Singer       131



An innocent girl said, "Lumme Mum!                          
I fear I shall soon be a mummy, Mum.                        
Knobs yes, it was fun,                                      
When we did what we done,                                   
But he lied when he called it a dummy run."                 
                                                            
55671 PREGNANT - SAD                                     G2708



There was a young baker called Harry,                       
Who asked his girlfriend if they'd marry.                   
She said, "Oh my dear,                                      
I know you're sincere,                                      
But it's not your bun that I carry."                        
                                                            
55672 PREGNANT - SAD                 Tim Sharp           P9711



The passionate Lady McTidd                                  
Is sadly awaiting a kid.                                    
Says she, "To stay heirless,                                
One mustn't be careless--                                   
Not even just once, as I did."                              
                                                            
55673 PREGNANT - SAD                                     G1683



A fun-loving sinner named Mort                              
Whose girlfriend refused to abort,                          
Cried, "It's no laughing matter,                            
I can picture the patter                                    
Of feet I'll soon have to support."                         
                                                            
55674 PREGNANT - SAD                 Armand E Singer       108



There was a teenager from Malta;                            
The army called him a defaulter.                            
He went AWOL and wild;                                      
His girl's having a child.                                  
Now they have to make plans for the altar!                  
                                                            
55675 PREGNANT - SAD                 Arthur Pattaffy          



When she asked him where babies come from,                  
He know she was willing but dumb.                           
So he put his penis                                         
In her Mound of Venus;                                      
Nine months later she was a mum.                            
                                                            
55676 PREGNANT - SAD                 Tom Patton          P9604



The sheriff's young daughter I knocked up,                  
So here I am trapped in this lock-up.                       
I'll never be free                                          
For they all agree                                          
That this was my costliest cock-up.                         
                                                            
55677 PREGNANT - SAD                 Frank                    



A careless young girl of Bangkok                            
Was nailed by old carpenter Brock.                          
And it left her distressed                                  
For in time she was blessed                                 
With a sliver, a chip of the block.                         
                                                            
55678 PREGNANT - SAD                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1403



A farmer who's very well known,                             
Quite suddenly needed a loan,                               
Not for tractors or seed,                                   
Or new tools he'd need,                                     
But to pay for some Wild Oats he'd sown.                    
                                                            
55679 PREGNANT - SAD                 Evelyn Bogen        P9409



An expectant young maid of St. Thos.                        
Sued her lover for breach of his pros.                      
"An example," she claimed                                   
"And in principle, aimed                                    
At protecting the rights of us mos."                        
                                                            
55680 PREGNANT - SAD                 Keith MacMillan       67b



There once was a young farmer's daughter,                   
Who learned a bit late that she oughter                     
Have studied what teacher,                                  
Her mom, and the preacher,                                  
Believed they had already taught her.                       
                                                            
55681 PREGNANT - SAD                 John Ciardi              



The bed was reduced to a rubble,                            
That night I was bursting her bubble.                       
We got so excited,                                          
Her ovum ignited                                            
And gave us a lifetime of trouble.                          
                                                            
55682 PREGNANT - SAD                 cUBBY                    



The spoils belong to the victor!                            
It seems like some wise guy has tricked her,                
Got motorized sperm --                                      
That sneaky old worm --                                     
Her standards should have been much stricter.               
                                                            
55683 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Marlene Lewis            



There was a young lady named Audrey                         
Who was but a little bit tawdry.                            
But she was indignant                                       
When she became pregnant,                                   
She had been just a tiny bit bawdry.                        
                                                            
55684 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Albin Chaplin            



Our encounter, last year, in December,                      
Was a thrilling one, so I remember;                         
But our lack of protection                                  
Was poor intellection;                                      
The baby was born in September.                             
                                                            
55685 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Cap'n Bean          P9811



A lass on the road to Goleen                                
Met a baker with a drop of poteen.                          
Five minutes of lovin'                                      
Put a bun in her oven;                                      
The next time she won't be so keen.                         
                                                            
55686 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Linda Marsh Coll         



"The Chef got me pregnant, good grief!"                     
The cook wailed in sheer disbelief;                         
"But, how?  Oh, I'm sick --                                 
It happened so quick --                                     
My god!  From his one pound of beef!"                       
                                                            
55687 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                     



The mother of three named Lenore,                           
On her knees was washing the floor.                         
Her inviting position                                       
Gave her husband a mission;                                 
She'll soon be the mother of four.                          
                                                            
55688 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0305



There was a young laddie named Barry                        
Who was in no great hurry to marry.                         
His girlfriend, Mary Lou,                                   
Said "Have I news for you!                                  
If I were you, I no longer would tarry!"                    
                                                            
55689 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Arthur Pattaffy          



The Queen's teenage daughter, the Princess,                 
Used vinegar douches and rinses.                            
But she still became pregnant                               
By the Minister-regnant --                                  
What else can she try but cheese blintzes?                  
                                                            
55690 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Armand E Singer       499



Thee was a young Russian called Ivan,                       
Who thought he would visit a drive-in.                      
His girlfriend named Sue,                                   
Went along with him too.                                    
Now his family of three is quite thrivin'.                  
                                                            
55691 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Helen Dowd               



I once caught this old ugly trout,                          
'Cause there wasn't much else 'round about.                 
She was green 'round the gills;                             
She'd forgotten her pills,                                  
And that's why she's now up the spout.                      
                                                            
55692 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Bill Wall                



Invited was naive Miss Cash                                 
To ride in the newlyweds Nash.                              
While they all celebrated                                   
Miss Cash was impregnated.                                  
She declared she was caught by the splash.                  
                                                            
55693 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Albin Chaplin            



Once a lisper, on tour in Khartoum,                         
Asked the Hilton to find him a room.                        
In his style; which he said,                                
Meant the room should be red...                             
Now a soon-to-be-mom calls him "Gwoom!"                     
                                                            
55694 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Prof M-G                 



There once was a lady called Vicki;                         
She got lucky and went for a quickie.                       
Pressed up by a wall,                                       
She got pregnant n'all;                                     
She now has a baby called Nicki.                            
                                                            
55695 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                     



A cautious young lady of Butte                              
The value of pills did dispute.                             
One day in her garret,                                      
She played with a carrot,                                   
But this harmless relation bore fruit.                      
                                                            
55696 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Albin Chaplin   3024-1405



A Slovakian lady exec                                       
Had some tests to learn what to expec'.                     
Her doctor revealed                                         
What her belly concealed;                                   
Informed her a male's in the Czeck!                         
                                                            
55697 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Jane D. Hughes      P9101



Sighed a foolish young lady named Dunning:                  
"Your two little balls are so cunning.                      
Can it be they've made me                                   
A mother-to-be?                                             
'Cause this week my monthly ain't running."                 
                                                            
55698 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                G1654



Said a pregnant young lady named Sally,                     
"I've learned that it's consummate folly                    
To walk home from a dance                                   
Without any pants,                                          
When the way home leads over the Pali.                      
(Pali - cliff area on Hawaii)                               
55699 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                L0976



An ignorant yokel named Bork                                
Thought kids were delivered by stork,                       
So you can surmise                                          
How deep his surprise                                       
Some nine short months after his work.                      
                                                            
55700 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Armand E Singer       805



A celebrity we know as Mork                                 
Was always pounding his pork.                               
When he got his first piece                                 
From his underage niece,                                    
The next thing that came was the Stork.                     
                                                            
55701 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Lims For Year - 01       



Poor little Joan was dismayed,                              
A month after first getting laid.                           
Her belief he was sterile                                   
Got her over a barrel,                                      
For merely one sperm made the grade.                        
                                                            
55702 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                G1650



Said a fuddled young girl of North Bend:                    
"I was just being nice to a friend.                         
He slipped his red schlong  (I did love the feeling)        
Up my purple sarong--       (And the view of his ceiling--) 
But God! to get caught in the end!"                         
                                                            
55703 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                G1698



A sailor went off on the sea                                
To escape from a Bride-want-to-be;                          
But she jumped in her dingy                                 
'Cause she missed his thingy --                             
She caught him and then there were three!                   
                                                            
55704 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                     



A bright student at old N.Y.U.                              
Was coerced into saying I do.                               
His girl gave a rendition                                   
Of a certain condition;                                     
Said if they didn't wed, she would sue!                     
                                                            
55705 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady named Cleo,                          
Who ran off with her boyfriend to Rio,                      
He found good employment.                                   
What spoiled their enjoyment,                               
Was the news that they'd soon be a trio!                    
                                                            
55706 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Arthur Pattaffy          



Twelve men screwed a maiden of Clyster,                     
Whose beauty made everyone's eyes stir;                     
When left on her own,                                       
She managed alone                                           
'Til three sets of triplets surprised her!                  
                                                            
55707 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                     



Remember what happened the last time                        
We engaged in this popular pastime?                         
Two bundles of joy,                                         
A girl and a boy;                                           
Ever since it has been poopy-ass-time.                      
                                                            
55708 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                     



A randy commuter, Miss Molly,                               
Would hump in the rear of the trolley,                      
Till a bump in the track                                    
Made the condom peel back,                                  
And now she has twins for her folly.                        
                                                            
55709 PREGNANT - SURPRISE                                     



It was at a hotel in New York;                              
On vacation there, I popped my cork.                        
Now nine months have passed,                                
And the die is now cast,                                    
I'm expecting some word from the stork                      
                                                            
55710 PREGNANT - SURPRISE            Jim Weaver Collection    



A lady who found herself huffing                            
Observed that her belly was puffing.                        
It was due to the gravy                                     
Of a cook in the navy,                                      
And the sausage and eggs and the stuffing.                  
                                                            
55711 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Albin Chaplin   3024-0203



A young lady, unruly and arrogant,                          
Did the things that more proper girls daren't.              
She hoped and expected                                      
To go undetected,                                           
But she's slowly becoming apparent.                         
                                                            
55712 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                G1635



There was a young lady of Perth,                            
Who was shy of her increasing girth.                        
But, sadly, her figure                                      
Got bigger and bigger                                       
And BIGGER, till after the birth.                           
                                                            
55713 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                G1704



There's a group in around Cincinnatter                      
Who assure us that sex doesn't matter;                      
Though their girls in the spring                            
May be thin as a string,                                    
Come the fall, will be bulging and fatter.                  
                                                            
55714 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Keith MacMillan     A095A



A man-hungry dieter named Pat                               
Refused chocolate candies and fat;                          
But her tum got no flatter,                                 
Rather grew a lot fatter:                                   
Her belly was bulgy with brat.                              
                                                            
55715 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer       188



The bulge up in front was apparent,                         
Which made the young maid incoherent.                       
She explained a bad day                                     
Was the cause of dismay,                                    
But the truth was, a knight had been errant.                
                                                            
55716 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Albin Chaplin   3024-1402



When his wife returned from Big Moose,                      
He poor husband complained, "What the deuce!                
I am quite reconciled                                       
To the call of the wild,                                    
But you're starting to bulge with papoose?"                 
                                                            
55717 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer        53



A nubile young daughter from Antelope                       
Did promise her mother, "I shan't elope;                    
Regard my condition,                                        
I'm near paturition,                                        
And, round as a melon, I can't elope."                      
                                                            
55718 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer       718



An uninformed miss from John Day             (OR)           
Was got in a family way.                                    
Her abdomen's rise                                          
Came as a surprise.                                         
She thought herself safe with a gay.                        
                                                            
55719 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Larry Davis         P8805



There was a young lady of Wantage,                          
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.                      
Said the county surveyor,                                   
"Of course, you must pay her.                               
You have altered the line of her frontage."                 
                                                            
55720 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Anon Cambridge 30's L0987



A naive young lady from Perth                               
Thought rhythm prevented a birth.                           
She complained that the pill                                
Did cause her to be ill.                                    
She had tangible increase in girth.                         
                                                            
55721 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Albin Chaplin            



If you can't relieve sexual tension                         
Because of your belly's dimension;                          
If life's got you down,                                     
Cause you can't reach aroun',                               
Get a dildo with gooseneck extension.                       
                                                            
55722 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



There once was a virgin named Claire,                       
Who would do anything on a dare.                            
But some dares, she soon found,                             
Make one's tummy quite round,                               
And she now has a visitor there.                            
                                                            
55723 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                G1644



The organ of a gent from Kent                               
Was angled like the roof of a tent.                         
When his good wife, Nell,                                   
Did begin to swell,                                         
He said, "I've a creative bent!"                            
                                                            
55724 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Macsam                   



There was a young stud named O'Farrell                      
Whose doctor told him he was sterile.                       
But a gal he beguiled                                       
Found herself big with child,                               
Proving fertile O'Farrell's a peril!                        
                                                            
55725 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Grand Prix Lim  164      



An observant old lady of Lansing                            
Said, "Daughter, it takes a mere glancing                   
To convince me that jelly                                   
Didn't bloaten your belly...                                
You've been horizontally dancing!"                          
                                                            
55726 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Grand Prix Lim  231      



The round-bellied Millie McSpurgeon,                        
Whom the town was convinced was a virgin,                   
Came by her condition                                       
From a night of coition,                                    
Induced by my lecherous urgin'.                             
                                                            
55727 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Grand Prix Lim   86      



A critical mother named Black                               
Said, "Child, it's good sense that you lack;                
The size of your bulges                                     
Quite clearly divulges                                      
Some man got you into the sack."                            
                                                            
55728 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer       511



Tom told a fat neighbor of his,                             
"I'd say, 'Hey, you're pregnant! Gee whiz!'                 
If I saw that belly                                         
On my little Nellie!"                                       
The reply: "Well, it was, and she is!"                      
(apologies to Benny Hill - McW)                             
55729 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Jim Weaver Collection    



Folks are tellin' a tale about Ellen,                       
Whose fella found her so compellin',                        
They mimicked the habits                                    
So famous of rabbits,                                       
And now Ellen's belly is swellin'.                          
                                                            
55730 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Jerry Nordal        P0111



I just feel like a huge lump of jelly,                      
Because of my large pregnant belly.                         
I look like a whale,                                        
My love life is stale,                                      
I'll flop down in front of the telly.                       
                                                            
55731 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



Please let's tell the truth 'bout my sister,                
'Cause I heard it was you that kissed her.                  
Though minus a titty,                                       
She carries your kiddie,                                    
That's growing in her like a blister.                       
                                                            
55732 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



Till the end of this May I can't wait;                      
A long painful labor's my fate!                             
My bump is now showing;                                     
My waistline is growing;                                    
I blame the whole lot on my mate.                           
                                                            
55733 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Jayne                    



"There's reasons for why I can't lace 'em:                  
Come on, my dear mother, let's face 'em:                    
I eat too damned much,                                      
Lil' Debbies and such,                                      
When I get the blues and can't chase 'em."                  
                                                            
55734 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



Observed her poor husband, no rummy,                        
"My wife's got a real bloated tummy;                        
Her morals? Assailable,                                     
Her thing unavailable --                                    
I better start flogging my dummy."                          
                                                            
55735 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



There was a young lady from Perth,                          
Who dreaded the thought of child-birth.                     
As her waist-line got tighter,                              
She said she'd get lighter,                                 
Hoping it was just natural girth.                           
                                                            
55736 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Arthur Pattaffy          



A hopeful young lady of Sukker Barrage,                     
Possessed a big swelling she hoped would assuage.           
On her way to the train,                                    
She was caught in the rain--                                
Oh, what a sad tale of hopeless Miss Carriage!              
                                                            
55737 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                L1616



A loose-living damsel named Wouter,                         
Whose belly got stouter and stouter,                        
At first alleged sweets                                     
And fat-untrimmed meats,                                    
Till tests left no room for a doubter.                      
                                                            
55738 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer       509



If you're not fat but can't zip your jeans,                 
I'm afraid that I know what that means.                     
You have under construction                                 
A new tax deduction,                                        
And the reason is not jelly beans.                          
                                                            
55739 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



"One second-hand virgin for sale;                           
A piece of delicious young tail.                            
The reason for selling?                                     
Now that would be telling;                                  
But wait 'til I get out of jail."                           
                                                            
55740 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



My darling I put up for sale                                
In order to cover my bail.                                  
There is hardly telling                                     
Her tummy is swelling;                                      
She loves to have a good nail.                              
                                                            
55741 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



There was a young girl of Lapland                           
Whose belly began to expand.                                
She cried, "It's a baby!"                                   
Her boyfriend said, "Maybe--                                
From now on we'll do it by hand."                           
                                                            
55742 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                G1677



A Mexican girl from Point Reyes,                            
Missed her period of seventeen days.                        
Cried she, "My first screwing,                              
She is my undoing,                                          
I scarcely can lace up my stays."                           
                                                            
55743 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                G1707



There was a young lady of France,                           
Who went to the palace to dance.                            
She danced with a Turk                                      
'Till he got in his dirk,                                   
And now she can't button her pants.                         
                                                            
55744 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                L0927



Well, life on that hill was tempestuous,                    
With all of these parties incestuous.                       
John sees Mary Ellen,                                       
Whose belly is swellin',                                    
"Jim-Bob," says he,"'s been too impetuous."                 
                                                            
55745 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                     



A hotblooded lassie named Bates                             
Was given to lateniqhtly dates;                             
Such excessive indulging                                    
Left her poor tummy bulging --                              
Her future in perilous straits.                             
                                                            
55746 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand Singer            



There was a young lady of Welling,                          
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;                   
She played on the organ                                     
Of J. Pierpont Morgan.                                      
Small wonder her belly is swelling.                         
                                                            
55747 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Edwardian Leer 084       



A sweetly developed young creature,                         
Developed a crush on her teacher,                           
Who developed a lump                                        
That developed a bump                                       
That is now her most prominent feature.                     
                                                            
55748 PREGNANT - SWELLING            John Ciardi              



You know young Yolanda from Yately,                         
Lamenting she'd lacked lingam lately?                       
By the old Dog And Partridge,                               
I shot off my cartridge...                                  
Her belly's now gaining girth greatly.                      
                                                            
55749 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Tiddy Ogg                



Said mother, "I'm telling your, Rose,                       
Your waistline most certainly shows                         
A prominent bulging                                         
From overindulging                                          
In sex and related no-nos.                                  
                                                            
55750 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer       119



In Hawaii a lady named Cass                                 
Had a belly that swelled up a mass.                         
At a dance, she did blurt,                                  
When she wore a grass skirt,                                
She encountered a snake in the grass.                       
                                                            
55751 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Albin Chaplin   3024-1406



There was a young girl named Collette                       
Who struggled to pay off a debt.                            
But things got out of hand,                                 
And her waist did expand.                                   
She assumed it was something she et.                        
                                                            
55752 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Albin Chaplin            



My frat brother dated a dummy                               
Whom one might mistake for a mummy.                         
Was she sick? dead? or well?                                
His friends couldn't tell                                   
Till she started to swell in her tummy.                     
                                                            
55753 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Laurence Perrine    P9003



There was a young lady from Thrace,                         
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.                       
Her mother said, "Nelly,                                    
There's more in your belly                                  
Than ever went in through your face."                       
                                                            
55754 PREGNANT - SWELLING                                L0936



"Your blunder is no less than heinous;                      
Your carelessness really does pain us."                     
Her mom added, "Nelly,                                      
There's more in your belly                                  
Than ever got in through your anus."                        
                                                            
55755 PREGNANT - SWELLING            OgniGioia                



A popular girl at Penn State                                
Had started to put on some weight.                          
Her mother said, "Nelly,                                    
There's more in your belly,                                 
That ever was put on your plate."                           
                                                            
55756 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Bluebird                 



The daughter was pleading her case:                         
"Okay, so my corsets won't lace;                            
But why so abusive?                                         
The facts aren't conclusive --                              
I really am stuffing my face.                               
                                                            
55757 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer       531



There was a young lady of Louth,                            
Who returned from a trip in the South.                      
Her father said, "Nelly,                                    
There's more in your belly,                                 
Than ever went in at your mouth.                            
                                                            
55758 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Norman Douglas      L0935



There was a young lady named Kate,                          
Who found she was putting on weight.                        
She requested a diet.                                       
Said her doctor, "Sure, try it.                             
But your intake is more than you ate."                      
                                                            
55759 PREGNANT - SWELLING            John Ciardi              



A sorry young woman named Mid,                              
Who found herself swollen with kid,                         
Wailed, "The problem arose                                  
When he tore off my clothes --                              
I kept saying 'no', but I did."                             
                                                            
55760 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Armand E Singer       152



There was a young lady from Sway,                           
Who came home disheveled one day;                           
To Ma, filled with dread,                                   
The gal sweetly said,                                       
"To the treacle mines I've been to play."                   
                                                            
55761 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Tiddy Ogg                



Now Sway is just one place of masses,                       
Where legend from mouth to mouth passes,                    
And one such gives fame                                     
To Sway, is the claim                                       
Of mines, viz pits filled with molasses.                    
                                                            
55762 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Tiddy Ogg                



"I went there with Shirley from Burley,"                    
Said Nancy, who'd learned to lie early.                     
But we know, dear reader,                                   
'Twas Bill Smith, the bleeder,                              
Who'd firtled the pearl of that girlie.                     
                                                            
55763 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Tiddy Ogg                



There isn't much more to relate;                            
Our Nancy starts putting on weight.                         
Like so many lasses,                                        
It weren't the molasses                                     
That caused her young form to inflate.                      
                                                            
55764 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Tiddy Ogg                



A moral I'm tempted to proffer:                             
If boys sticky things to you offer,                         
Please put in your mouth,                                   
Not spots further south;                                    
You're safer as sucker not boffer.                          
                                                            
55765 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Tiddy Ogg                



A sizzling nympho named Whitely                             
Demanded a workover nightly...                              
One invagination                                            
Promoted gestation...                                       
Now she's like a swole mole, and unsightly.                 
                                                            
55766 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Grand Prix Lim  828      



I have a sister named Mellie                                
Who had sex while watching the telly.                       
The baby's past due,                                        
But what can we do?                                         
You should see the size of her belly.                       
                                                            
55767 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Al Willis                



Was she waatching a sitcom or game show;                    
It's something we all want to know?                         
Unless 'twas a re-run                                       
It accounts for the bun                                     
That is just waiting for a SRO.                             
(SRO - standing room only)                                  
55768 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Saint                    



It's nice once your belly starts swelling,                  
And people are constantly telling,                          
"It isn't that sore!"                                       
But I've been there before,                                 
In nine months I'll surely be yelling!                      
                                                            
55769 PREGNANT - SWELLING            Jim Weaver Collection    



Eight presidents' names end with Son;                       
Two Johns, but of Jacks only one;                           
One Harri, One Madi;                                        
Poor Nix was the bady;                                      
Jeffer wrote, and Wil bested the Hun.                       
                                                            
55770 PRESIDENTS                     Arthur Deex         P9302



So now, doesn't Prez equal Liar?                            
George B., he let taxes go higher.                          
And old Ronnie R.                                           
Lied his share by far.                                      
Let's hold all their feet to the fire!                      
                                                            
55771 PRESIDENTS                     H Whelchel               



I promise that I'll do my best                              
To protect this great land - East to West                   
From treason and fraud                                      
At home and abroad...                                       
Earl Warren, you're under arrest.                           
(Barry Goldwater Presidential Oath)                         
55772 PRESIDENTS                     Arthur Deex         P8411



"Were you born in a log cabin, stranger?"                   
He was asked by an old Texas Ranger.                        
The president sighed,                                       
And promptly replied,                                       
"No friend, I was born in a manger."                        
                                                            
55773 PRESIDENTS                     A. N. Wilkins       P8411



When he woke with a hard-on one day,                        
Said Jimmy to Roslyn, "Let's play!"                         
She replied, "Knowing you                                   
I will not get a screw --                                   
You'll undoubtedly piss it away."                           
                                                            
55774 PRESIDENTS                     Ed Potts            P9001



The farmer, he was more smart                               
Than Bill, whose lies fall apart.                           
The first time they'd meet him,                             
He'd not ask them to eat him --                             
He just lusted for them in his heart.                       
                                                            
55775 PRESIDENTS                     Kaylin Brandon           



Last night, I called on Jimmie Carter.                      
He admitted he saw Hillary's garter.                        
He ogled her chest,                                         
And then he confessed.                                      
That Jimmie is quite an upstarter.                          
                                                            
55776 PRESIDENTS                                              



Dear Ros, I'm beginning to fear                             
We'll be back in Georgia next year.                         
Those thugs in Iran                                         
Have ruined our plan;                                       
That ACTOR will be living here.                             
                                                            
55777 PRESIDENTS                     Frank Fazed              



Jimmy Carter came on with a grin                            
All over his puss.  To begin                                
It seemed rather cute.                                      
But it's no substitute                                      
For knowing what century you're in.                         
                                                            
55778 PRESIDENTS                     John Ciardi              



I'd forgot about lusting heart Jim                          
And his thoughts that he said were a sin.                   
But the guy we have now                                     
Would fuck even a cow;                                      
I wish we had Jim back again.                               
                                                            
55779 PRESIDENTS                     Mike H                   



Dear Ros, I am in such a rut;                               
My jeans just don't fit my big butt.                        
I hear staffers talking                                     
When they see me walking;                                   
They say it looks like a peanut.                            
                                                            
55780 PRESIDENTS                     Travis Brasell           



There was Roosevelt's tax-saving cuts                       
And Kennedy's biting rebuts.                                
But a Southern self-starter                                 
Called Carter was smarter --                                
He got where he is on his nuts.                             
                                                            
55781 PRESIDENTS                     Hugh Oliver         A139B



For peace among all the world's nations,                    
Against Human Rights violations,                            
There's none who worked smarter                             
Than Jimmy Earl Carter,                                     
So hearty Nobel 'gratulations!                              
                                                            
55782 PRESIDENTS                     Anon                     



Two big men who were sadly disgraced,                       
Did much good in the world that they faced.                 
Wrongs ego wrought,                                         
SOBRIQUETS sought,                                          
Tricky Dick and Slick Willy embraced.                       
                                                            
55783 PRESIDENTS                     Elois                    



When the journalists sounded the knell                      
For Cal Coolidge, that taciturn swell,                      
And announced he was dead,                                  
Dorothy Parker is said                                      
To have asked how the doctors could tell.                   
                                                            
55784 PRESIDENTS                     A. N. Wilkins       P8912



Each President's rep that is creamed,                       
Sends a message as if it were screamed;                     
If you take this position,                                  
We'll dig ammuntion,                                        
So you might as well never have dreamed.                    
                                                            
55785 PRESIDENTS                     LadyJ                    



No cause ever to ask Mamie's pardon.                        
Though Ike made one try in the garden                       
At fucking young Kate.                                      
His biographers state,                                      
He never could get a good hard on.                          
                                                            
55786 PRESIDENTS                     A N Wilkins         P8912



Dear Mamie, don't worry your head,                          
The troops will be properly led.                            
I'll sleep like a log                                       
And dream there's no fog.                                   
My driver just tucked me in bed.                            
                                                            
55787 PRESIDENTS                     Frank Fazed              



My sweet Betty, don't be so cynical;                        
At golf I have reached my pinnacle.                         
I love your devotion                                        
But please show emotion;                                    
Some drinks would make you not so Clinical.                 
                                                            
55788 PRESIDENTS                     Frank Fazed              



In the days of mild Jerry Ford,                             
Decorum and calm were restored.                             
He did nothing hateful,                                     
For which we are grateful,                                  
And terribly, terribly bored.                               
                                                            
55789 PRESIDENTS                     Anon                     



There once was a Jerry named Ford,                          
Who suggested he might climb aboard,                        
The campaign express,                                       
If asked, but I guess,                                      
The suggestion was largely ignored.                         
                                                            
55790 PRESIDENTS                     John Ciardi              



A lady thought Franklin D. R.                               
Was worse than an ogre or Tsar.                             
But now when she reads                                      
Of his numerous misdeeds,                                   
She thinks he was also bizarre.                             
                                                            
55791 PRESIDENTS                     Warrick Elrod            



A memorial to Franklin Roosevelt,                           
Who did well with the cards he was dealt.                   
Depression when he was new,                                 
The scourge of World War II,                                
He bent but he never knelt.                                 
                                                            
55792 PRESIDENTS                     H. Kleidman              



It was on the 7th of December,                              
That Franklin D. took out his member.                       
He said, like the bard,                                     
"It will be long and hard,                                  
Pearl Harbor has given me something to remember."           
                                                            
55793 PRESIDENTS                                         L1604



"There was one surprise, to be sure,"                       
F.D.R. said. "I started this tour                           
Of duty quite sad.                                          
I'd found things as bad                                     
As I had been saying they were."                            
                                                            
55794 PRESIDENTS                     A. N. Wilkins       P8912



"The depression will ruin us? Oh, never!"                   
Declared Roosevelt. "Through my endeavor                    
You'll just be beset                                        
With a National Debt,                                       
For ever and ever and ever."                                
                                                            
55795 PRESIDENTS                     Vassar W. Smith     P9304



Though a Roosevelt fan I was not;                           
I never really liked him a lot.                             
But old Franklin R.                                         
Was better by far                                           
Than this miserable bastard we've got.                      
(Bill Clinton)                                              
55796 PRESIDENTS                     Popsicle           TP9806



The sex of the rex in the White House                       
Was standing erect as a lighthouse,                         
And the band grits its teeth                                
Playing "Hail to the Chief" --                              
After all, it is such a polite house!                       
(twenty years before Clinton)                               
55797 PRESIDENTS                     Hugh Oliver         A032B



That sodden old Ulysses Grant                               
Once shit-stained the crotch of his pant.                   
Went south with a negress,                                  
Mistook cunt for egress,                                    
And plundered her, one inch askant.                         
                                                            
55798 PRESIDENTS                                              



I promise that I'll not condone                             
Politics with a bourgeois tone;                             
From now on you'll see,                                     
You must vote carefully --                                  
The life you save may be your own.                          
                                                            
55799 PRESIDENTS                     Martin Wellborn     P8501



When women to vote were just starting,                      
Passions conquered; good sense was left smarting.           
Who'd the ladies elect?                                     
Well, who did you suspect? --                               
Handsome Warren Gamaliel Harding.                           
                                                            
55800 PRESIDENTS                     Robin K. Willoughby P8411



Said Hoover, "I don't understand 'em.                       
If they really want jobs, they can land 'em.                
If a work-seeking tyke                                      
Has no luck on a bike,                                      
He can double his chance on a tandem."                      
                                                            
55801 PRESIDENTS                     Gerry Hamill             



There was a young girl from Vancouver,                      
Who was raped by President Hoover.                          
(A two-liner)                                               
                                                            
                                                            
                                                            
55802 PRESIDENTS                                              



There was a young man from Vancouver                        
Who claimed to have buggered Herb Hoover.                   
'Tis plain, whether he                                      
Was fucker or fuckee,                                       
'Twas a most impolitical maneuver.                          
                                                            
55803 PRESIDENTS                                         G1073



Our President-Elect may say,                                
"Though George from England broke away                      
And Abe set the slaves free,                                
Alas, unlucky me!                                           
I've got the problems today."                               
                                                            
55804 PRESIDENTS                     Irving Superior     P9301



Andrew Jackson's wife had 'neath her frock                  
A pudendum the size of a crock.                             
When her doctor asked why,                                  
She could only reply,                                       
"It's Old Hickory's dickery, Doc."                          
                                                            
55805 PRESIDENTS                     Bob Giandomenico    P8912



James K Polk is most famous for                             
His false campaign vow, Fifty-four                          
Forty or fight!                                             
And his work to incite                                      
The Mexican-American War.                                   
                                                            
55806 PRESIDENTS                     Election 2000            



Thomas Jefferson earned our remembrance                     
And brought honor in all his descendants,                   
When he said, pulling lockets                               
From two of his pockets,                                    
"Look here, I declare, in de pendants..."                   
                                                            
55807 PRESIDENTS                     Larry Hollister          



A new sex scandal headlines scream --                       
Tom fathered many, 'twould seem.                            
Using his plantation                                        
To further procreation,                                     
Jefferson needs OJ's DNA dream team.                        
                                                            
55808 PRESIDENTS                     Frank Petersohn          



The Sage of the famed Monticello                            
Was known as a tolerant fellow;                             
But the wenches he mastered                                 
Bred more than one bastard,                                 
For lack of some vaginal jello.                             
                                                            
55809 PRESIDENTS                     Norm Storer         P9204



Then Camelot came to us all                                 
But good leaders just had to fall.                          
Martin, JFK                                                 
And Bobby they slay,                                        
Then Nixon and Reagan did pall!                             
                                                            
55810 PRESIDENTS                                              



Said one member of this Great Society,                      
Upon seeing my scar, quite untidy:                          
"Would they still all be smiles                             
Had the problem been piles?"                                
Gave the press a good laugh.  Impropriety!                  
                                                            
55811 PRESIDENTS                     Frank Fazed              



It's a wide spectrum: lusting in heart,                     
To monkey-shines with Gary Hart.                            
But the public is slow                                      
To accept crowning blow,                                    
Jack Kennedy to Clinton imparts.                            
                                                            
55812 PRESIDENTS                     Daniel Ford              



We all heard our weak leader say                            
Its "All the way with LBJ."                                 
We cursed him for that;                                     
The words fell so flat                                      
The sea came and took him away!                             
                                                            
55813 PRESIDENTS                                              



The Society of Lyndon B. J.                                 
Did not reach to Watts in L.A.                              
What on TV was shown,                                       
They could not ever own,                                    
So they took it in their unique way.                        
                                                            
55814 PRESIDENTS                     Albin Chaplin            



There was a young fellow named Bronson                      
Who dressed for a ball in Wisconsin.                        
From his head, then perforce,                               
Hung the tail of a horse,                                   
For he went to the party as Johnson.                        
                                                            
55815 PRESIDENTS                     Albin Chaplin            



"Though to think," said a fellow named Booth,               
"That the President lied, seems uncouth.                    
Many folks are dismayed                                     
Because they're afraid                                      
That he's actually telling the truth."                      
                                                            
55816 PRESIDENTS                     A. N. Wilkins       P8701



How vile! How utterly shocking!                             
Your mother in verse to be mocking!                         
You are far too depraved                                    
To ever be saved;                                           
There's a President we should be mocking.                   
                                                            
55817 PRESIDENTS                     John Miller              



It was late Forty-one, warm and fair;                       
The White House veranda was where                           
FDR with a wink                                             
Said, "I've reason to think                                 
There will soon be a nip in the air."                       
                                                            
55818 PRESIDENTS                     Don Moore                



A White House reporter named Fife                           
Had the wackiest dream of his life.                         
He saw Nixon smoke dope,                                    
JFK goose the Pope,                                         
And Bill Clinton was fucking his wife!                      
                                                            
55819 PRESIDENTS                     Don Moore                



The president steps in the shower,                          
Where he glories in God-given power.                        
Since he cannot sing,                                       
He takes hold of his thing,                                 
And he plays with himself by the hour.                      
                                                            
55820 PRESIDENTS                     Albin Chaplin            



Now who in American history                                 
Belongs in this long list so blistery?                      
Our presidents are shit,                                    
The rich roll in it;                                        
So let's leave the question a mystery.                      
                                                            
55821 PRESIDENTS                                         G0149



Most of those who led our nation,                           
Were guilty of abomination.                                 
But now we may judge                                        
The shit from the fudge --                                  
We've got some real-time information.                       
                                                            
55822 PRESIDENTS                     H Whelchel               



"My troops," Teddy Roosevelt said,                          
"Find Cuba sexually dead,                                   
For the whores, whites and blacks,                          
Will not risk their backs,                                  
By taking Rough Riders to bed."                             
                                                            
55823 PRESIDENTS                                         P8205



Teddy Roosevelt's wife always scoffed                       
At his tool's lack of firmness and loft.                    
When he trod on some gum,                                   
She said, "Teddy, you bum,                                  
You walk sticky and tote a big soft."                       
                                                            
55824 PRESIDENTS                     Bob Giandomenico    P8910



With every Pres to the last,                                
There's been ammo to use from his past.                     
Mudslinging gets rougher,                                   
The country may suffer                                      
If we make every Pres an outcast.                           
                                                            
55825 PRESIDENTS                     LadyJ                    



The private lives of presidents,                            
Once exclusive to residents                                 
Of the big White House,                                     
Including the spouse,                                       
Have become tabloid precedents.                             
                                                            
55826 PRESIDENTS                     Daniel Ford              



They say that ex-President Taft,                            
When his by a golf gall, once laughed,                      
And said, "I'm not sore,                                    
But although he called 'Fore'                               
The place that he hit me was aft."                          
                                                            
55827 PRESIDENTS                                              



In bed though Bill Taft had been slick,                     
As years passed, it became quite a trick.                   
He'd begun to gain weight                                   
At such a fast rate                                         
That the guy couldn't see his own prick.                    
                                                            
55828 PRESIDENTS                     A.N. Wilkins        P8912



A little French Poodle named Leon                           
Was looking for something to pee on.                        
With human acumen                                           
He picked Harry Truman,                                     
Upon which we all can agree on.                             
                                                            
55829 PRESIDENTS                                         P8202



I'm at this U.N. thing, dear Bess;                          
What happens is anyone's guess.                             
And now, drat the luck,                                     
Someone's passed the buck;                                  
That motto has me in a mess.                                
                                                            
55830 PRESIDENTS                     Frank Fazed              



To her friends Mrs. Truman said, "Sure,                     
I dislike Harry's shouting 'Manure!'                        
But it took me ten years                                    
To teach him, my dears,                                     
Not to say something far more impure!"                      
                                                            
55831 PRESIDENTS                     Vassar Collection   P9606



Fourth Estaters in "Chi" Town were fumin',                  
Screaming out, "Good Lord, this is inhuman!"                
And what led to such rage                                   
You ask?  That front page                                   
Telling Dewey's defeat of H. Truman.                        
                                                            
55832 PRESIDENTS                     Loren C Fitzhugh         



Look, old Dubya's again on his feet                         
And he's treading his old war-path street.                  
As he's marching along,                                     
With his threatening schlong;                               
Course I'm not talking George, I mean Pete.  (Peter Wilkins)
                                                            
55833 PRESIDENTS                     Ulla                     



The war-path?  Good heavens!  No way!                       
From righteousness rarely I stray;                          
Though sometimes my bone                                    
Has a mind of its own,                                      
And thus causes me trouser affray.                          
                                                            
55834 PRESIDENTS                     Peter Wilkins            



You're as honest as the old 'Merkin Prez;                   
What's his name.  It was Nixon, oh yes.                     
Like a saint on a plinth,                                   
Like the young Larry Flinth,                                
You are chaste, it's your schlong's fault, I guess.         
                                                            
55835 PRESIDENTS                     Ulla                     



I'm much more like Washington (George)                      
When ahead with a purpose I forge,                          
With my underpants dancing                                  
And quickly advancing,                                      
With this is a state of engorge.                            
                                                            
55836 PRESIDENTS                     Peter Wilkins            



Barbara says when on oysters they sup                       
George behaves like an oversexed pup.                       
And in bed when they hop                                    
He is always on top,                                        
'Cause the prez doesn't like to screw up.                   
                                                            
55837 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Bob Giandomenico    P8911



Said Hillary, "Barbara, what game                           
In the bedroom that bears Lincoln's name?                   
We must sand down and fix                                   
Those two little nicks--"                                   
"Oh, yes--George's--those two times he came."               
                                                            
55838 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Ann Gasser          P9311



Former President Bush                                       
Was fucking some underage tush.                             
In the Midst of a tiff,                                     
On the edge of a cliff,                                     
Barbara gave him a push.                                    
                                                            
55839 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Gene Brady               



In a principled, forceful attack                            
Georgie Bush cut the Kremlin no slack.                      
"If you don't want me sore, be                              
Nice guys to Gorby,                                         
The legitmate dictator, back."                              
                                                            
55840 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           John Sandler        P9108



George Bush is a generous man,                              
He always gives others a hand.                              
He promised Billy                                           
He could borrow Millie,                                     
If Hillary starts kicking his can!                          
                                                            
55841 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR                                    



Georgie Bush, once admired by all,                          
Finds his rating is now in free fall.                       
So he'll spread the manure                                  
To increase his allure,                                     
Though the spectacle's sure to appall.                      
                                                            
55842 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           John Sandler        P9204



In the great state of Colorado,                             
Neil Bush ripped off Silverado. (Savings and Loan)          
But he got off                                              
With a wink and a cough.                                    
Is "Fuck You" the Bush family motto?                        
                                                            
55843 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           MrMalo                   



Dear George, we will have steak and ale                     
For Christmas this year -- it's on sale!                    
If you do not mind,                                         
I think I'll go blind,                                      
If we have to have more stuffed Quayle!                     
                                                            
55844 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Travis Brasell           



The White House flew into a rage,                           
When Millie snuck out of her cage.                          
The book Millie wrote                                       
Must have had a misquote,                                   
For the Prez found her stuck to a page.                     
                                                            
55845 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Actaeon                  



George Bush, now quite hearty and hale,                     
Knows well that he'll live without fail.                    
He chose good insurance                                     
For two term endurance,                                     
For next in command is Dan Quayle.                          
                                                            
55846 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Tucker D. Ott       P8910



Bush was an innocent old dupe,                              
Who was nowhere near any damn loop,                         
Except when he gave us                                      
Our last Veep -- God save us!                               
To be our next commander (F-Troop).                         
(F-Troop - 1960's TV series about incompetent cavalry troop)
55847 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Dhanesh                  



For her husband, Barbara cried torrents.                    
"My fear for your life such tears warrants!"                
But said George, "I can't fail,                             
I have J. Danforth Quayle                                   
As my assassination insurance!"                             
                                                            
55848 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Cindy Kandolf            



At the church, as Bush came through the door,               
He was told by the old Monsignor,                           
"You can have wishes three."                                
So Bush said modestly,                                      
"I want war and more war and more war."                     
(News item Jan 12, 1991, Washington Post)                   
55849 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Al Chaplin          P9103



Well Barb, I've got news for you, Hon;                      
It looks like the end of our run.                           
They DID read my lips.                                      
Now I've got some tips                                      
That may help our number one son.                           
                                                            
55850 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Frank Fazed              



Georgie Bush hopes that memories are dim                    
Of the fact he went out on a limb                           
With his view, "No new taxes,"                              
Which he broke, but the axe is                              
Just about to descend upon him.                             
                                                            
55851 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           John Sandler        P9204



Georgie Bush fears his prospects are grim                   
'Cause he dared to go out on a limb                         
With a vow, "No new taxes,"                                 
That he broke. The climax is                                
No new term will be given to him.                           
                                                            
55852 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           John Sandler        P9204



A bush that was burning once spoke                          
Words of wisdom for all common folk.                        
But today, so unique,                                       
Hear the lying Bush speak,                                  
Interspersed with a pun and a joke.                         
                                                            
55853 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Phil Cannibal       P9205



There once was a shrewd politician                          
Who understood voter suspicion.                             
So he conned the locals,                                    
The wise and the yokels,                                    
And achieved his burning ambition.                          
                                                            
55854 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Gifford Wherry           



We've all heard the rhetoric and quips                      
About taxes and "reading my lips."                          
But then, when elected,                                     
The pledge was rejected,                                    
By George, the master of flips.                             
                                                            
55855 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Gifford Wherry           



An man named George Bush was elected                        
By following a madman respected.                            
He fought the Gulf War,                                     
But then did little more,                                   
And in November was soundly rejected.                       
                                                            
55856 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Anon                     



One lunchtime, while quaffing some ale,                     
George Bush's heart started to fail.                        
And things got much worse                                   
When a well-meaning nurse                                   
Said, "Don't worry.  I've sent for Dan Quayle."             
                                                            
55857 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Bill Wall                



The public insists on a cleaning,                           
An end to corruption and scheming.                          
But President Bush                                          
Simply sits on his tush                                     
And gives speeches of limited meaning.                      
                                                            
55858 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           Patricia N. LimerickP9106



Almost every morning one notes                              
George Bush's belligerent quotes.                           
But his wishes all bend                                     
Toward the war's rapid end --                               
Before it starts costing him votes.                         
                                                            
55859 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           A. N. Wilkins       P9103



A skinhead quit his job in Toledo.                          
"I can't work for no guy named Guido."                      
If Bush has his way,                                        
He'll be working some day,                                  
Making burritos in Tijuana, Amigo!                          
                                                            
55860 PRESIDENTS - BUSH SR           John Roberts        P9301



"One hundred less thirteen...." mused A. L.                 
"Eight decades plus seven....casts no spell.                
Seven dozen add three more....                              
Eighty seven....version four,                               
Alas none of these four score too well."                    
                                                            
55861 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Irving Superior     P8506



Dear Abe, Mr. Booth has been kind;                          
His tickets enclosed you will find,                         
To Ford's fine theater;                                     
I'll pick you up later.                                     
The night really will blow your mind.                       
                                                            
55862 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Frank Fazed              



Did old "Honest Abe', on wife cheat,                        
While pounding the President's beat?                        
Or didn't he spurn                                          
To play with intern,                                        
Beneath Oval Office desk seat?                              
                                                            
55863 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Chris Papa               



Poor guy, lacked the good looks and charms                  
Of some red-necks, right off the farms.                     
At that time, you'll note,                                  
No ladies could vote,                                       
No support from the "soccer moms".                          
                                                            
55864 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Chris Papa               



With bustles and dresses quite long,                        
The intern could not "snap her thong",                      
Nor Abe thus entice                                         
With a sample nice,                                         
Of Sex's sweet, seductive song.                             
                                                            
55865 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Chris Papa               



So Abe had to keep mind on the job,                         
Didn't pass buck, or nasty chores lob                       
To cabinet hacks,                                           
To fend off attacks                                         
From Dems, who condemned him as "slob".                     
                                                            
55866 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Chris Papa               



He honored the oath that he swore;                          
Got country through fierce Civil War,                       
By keeping his nose                                         
On duties as those,                                         
Not shedding on blue dresses, spore.                        
                                                            
55867 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Chris Papa               



When Lincoln was fatally shot,                              
He instantly died on the spot;                              
"The reason he's dead,"                                     
Said Flo's husband, Fred,                                   
"He messed with my wife's big 'ol twat!"                    
                                                            
55868 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN                                    



For victories, A. Lincoln had panted;                       
McDowell behaved as if planted.                             
But when Vicksburg was seized,                              
Mr. Lincoln was pleased;                                    
His wishes at last had been Granted.                        
                                                            
55869 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Laurence Perrine    P9501



Dear President Abraham Lincoln                              
Noticed Mary Todd's pussy was stinkin'.                     
"Oh Abe, you rail splitter,                                 
You've been lickin' me shitter!"                            
"My lord", said he, "What was I thinkin'?"                  
                                                            
55870 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN                                    



Said a drunken old man of the press,                        
"Our political system's a mess.                             
If I wasn't so stinkin',                                    
I'd write to Abe Lincoln,                                   
But I cannot recall his address."                           
                                                            
55871 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Hugh Oliver         A138B



Lincoln's ghost toured the White House and said,            
"It's disgraceful--he's leasing my bed!                     
Now I could not afford                                      
One night's lodging and board!                              
Oh the shame! Yes, I'm glad that I'm dead."                 
                                                            
55872 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           William N. Nesbit   P9703



Abe Lincoln the comedian,                                   
Defending a parenticide man,                                
On sensing the judge                                        
From 'guilty' won't budge,                                  
"Have pity on this poor orphan."                            
                                                            
55873 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Irving Superior     P9001



Abe Lincoln, one sometimes perceives,                       
Wore garments of nondescript weaves,                        
And while stumping for votes,                               
He was tough on his coats,                                  
And before very long, frayed the sleeves.                   
                                                            
55874 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Bob Giandomenico    P9804



"This job's not the fun it appears,                         
And my sex life is much in arrears.                         
Did you know," Lincoln said,                                
"All I've had, in the bed --                                
Four scores in the past seven years."                       
                                                            
55875 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Ed Potts            P9001



A Lincoln tall-tale yarn of yore.                           
Whenever questioned by a bore,                              
"Your legs are too long."                                   
Lincoln twinkled "Wrong!                                    
They're long enough to reach the floor."                    
                                                            
55876 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Irving Superior     P9001



The ghost of old Lincoln once said,                         
"Theres a Chinese asleep in my bed!"                        
Abe went to the john,                                       
Said "BOO" to John Huang,                                   
"Wern't scared! Gave me greenbacks instead!"                
                                                            
55877 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN                                    



Abe Lincoln might have made this pun                        
If attacked by a Catholic with gun.                         
"Don't pummel that sister,                                  
Use hammers please, mister.                                 
My motto is 'mallets to ward nun'"                          
                                                            
55878 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN                                    



I revere all historical dates,                              
Celebrating each of our past greats.                        
Just at present I'm thinkin'                                
Of the Mary Todd Lincoln,                                   
Versus Frederick Douglass debates.                          
                                                            
55879 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Loren Fitzhugh      P2005



Dear Mary, please wear your red dress                       
To Gettysburg where we'll caress.                           
Please come very soon.                                      
For your love I swoon.                                      
Please find enclosed new Address.                           
                                                            
55880 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Travis Brasell           



The slave shot his choat down the throat                    
Of Lydia, then he wrote this note:                          
"To slaves everywhere,                                      
Unite and declare,                                          
Abe Lincoln ain't getting our vote!"                        
                                                            
55881 PRESIDENTS - LINCOLN           Travis Brasell           



Dear Richard, the family just gapes                         
When I tell them, behind the drapes,                        
You've hidden some bugs.                                    
Don't talk to those mugs...                                 
We're thinking you should burn the tapes.                   
                                                            
55882 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Frank Fazed              



We heard Nixon in '72                                       
Say about Watergate, "Yep, I knew."                         
The voters in shock                                         
Detested his schlock,                                       
And changed dicks in the midst of a screw.                  
                                                            
55883 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Kathi Webster            



It's a shame the first name of Bill Clinton                 
Is not similar to Rich Nixon,                               
Who said "Stick with Dick"                                  
And the same slogan slick                                   
Would match well with what some folk are hintin'.           
                                                            
55884 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Mike Dale                



How cruel are the workings of fate,                         
As Nixon found out much too late.                           
He sure didn't oughta                                       
Have muddied the water                                      
Or tried to unstraighten the Gate.                          
                                                            
55885 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Hugh Oliver         A138A



Dick Nixon was shrewd by design.                            
At detente he really did shine.                             
Then came Watergate                                         
And it was too late;                                        
Poor Richard was forced to resign.                          
                                                            
55886 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Gifford Wherry           



There once was a dandified president                        
Who bumbled as Whitehouse's resident.                       
But a Ford heard him shout,                                 
And at once bailed him out,                                 
And his sentences pardoned for Watergate.                   
                                                            
55887 PRESIDENTS - NIXON                                      



Remember Dick Nixon (the rat)?                              
The movie Deep Throat he once sat                           
Through several times,                                      
While feeding it dimes,                                     
Before he could get it down Pat.                            
                                                            
55888 PRESIDENTS - NIXON                                      



About the trial outcome, you see,                           
I'm bothered by the credulity.                              
After a long inquest                                        
Mr Judge Renquist,                                          
Let King Richard the Third go scot-free.                    
                                                            
55889 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Tom Simon                



Said the President, "I am mistook,                          
For I entered the kitchen to look.                          
It appears that I'm caught                                  
With my hand in the pot,                                    
But for certain I am not a cook."                           
                                                            
55890 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Albin Chaplin   3024-2997



He stayed in a millionaire's house --                       
Mulcahy, who often shoots grouse.                           
But the hunt on this day                                    
Was for much bigger prey:                                   
"A kingdom for just one Milhous."                           
                                                            
55891 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Max Frankel              



"Don't care how he spells it," he said.                     
"Or whether he's living or dead.                            
I need a relation                                           
In this mighty nation                                       
Lest the polls once again drift to Ted."                    
                                                            
55892 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Max Frankel              



When Ehrlichman, Haldeman, Dean,                            
And Nixon were still on the scene,                          
The word of the hour                                        
In the corners of power,                                    
Was that men should be heard but obscene.                   
                                                            
55893 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Hugh Oliver         A140B



I can't help but thinking that maybe                        
Dick Nixon's old friend, known as Bebe,                     
Thought Tricia and Julie                                    
Would not fight unduly,                                     
But then, what kind of sisters would they be.               
                                                            
55894 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Dr Limerick              



St. Peter did Nixon condemn,                                
So Tricky tried this stratagem:                             
"Let me pass through the gate                               
I've drawn art work first rate."                            
But the best he could draw was some phlegm.                 
                                                            
55895 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Albin Chaplin            



As one day through the White House they wandered,           
Old Spiro and Richard both pondered                         
How to pull in the green                                    
And yet keep their hands clean,                             
So the money they handled was laundered.                    
                                                            
55896 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Albin Chaplin   3024-2831



The president, devious and sly,                             
On perversion of words does rely.                           
On his gravestone forsooth                                  
Will be carved his FIRST truth,                             
A statement of fact: HERE I LIE.                            
                                                            
55897 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Albin Chaplin       P8702



Dick Nixon in office was great.                             
He learned how the pros urinate.                            
But sphincter control                                       
Was once a bit droll                                        
And splashed on him through Watergate.                      
                                                            
55898 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Tucker D. Ott       P9001



A notorious King made it straight,                          
"After me, the Great Flood," was his fate;                  
A President's word                                          
Has also been heard,                                        
When he opened his own Watergate.                           
                                                            
55899 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Bill Backe-Hansen   P8308



Dilemma of Watergate shook                                  
A Pres who said, "I've been mistook!"                       
But he had to die a                                         
Forsaken PARIAH,                                            
While proclaiming "I am no crook!"                          
                                                            
55900 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Observer                 



In recalling "U.S. versus Nixon",                           
'Twas leaks that the plumbers were fixin'.                  
'Twas Deep Throat who blew it,                              
Then Nixon said "Screw it!",                                
But not with some pubescent vixen!                          
                                                            
55901 PRESIDENTS - NIXON                                      



No Pres is above the law;                                   
In the seventies, this we saw,                              
When Nixon was pushed                                       
Right out on his tush,                                      
To much of the publics applause.                            
                                                            
55902 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Gearhart                 



There once was a slicker named Dick,                        
Who, no matter how dirty the trick,                         
Invoked the authority                                       
Of the silent majority,                                     
Till he found he could not make it stick.                   
                                                            
55903 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             John Ciardi              



Is there really a new Mr. Nixon,                            
Who won't try his previous tricks on?                       
Or is it a fact                                             
That he's virgin intact,                                    
When it comes to a stand by conviction.                     
                                                            
55904 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             T. Griffiths             



Remember that shyster from Whittier?                        
And his lovely wife (don't you pity her?)?                  
Though he ended the war,                                    
(For which give him full score)                             
His behavior at home just got shittier!                     
                                                            
55905 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Don Boen            P8202



Said an Eminent Statesman named Nixon:                      
"I'll screw them all, now that my prick's in!               
Let the voters complain                                     
That their rectum's in pain--                               
Those assholes could sure use some fixin'."                 
                                                            
55906 PRESIDENTS - NIXON                                 G0959



The statesman's great art, that of fixin',                  
Would have been more effective in Nixon                     
If he'd understood                                          
That the bad and the good                                   
Are for keeping apart, not for mixin'.                      
                                                            
55907 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Paul Jennings            



"I promise -- and let this be heard!"                       
Said Dick, "That I'll flip you the bird,                    
And trick you, and zap you,                                 
And shit you and crap you,                                  
Till you crown me King Richard the Turd!"                   
                                                            
55908 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Jim O'Conner        P8501



When Richard and Spiro kept shop,                           
No man their conniving could stop.                          
They were forced to resign,                                 
But they're now doing fine,                                 
For the scum always floats to the top.                      
                                                            
55909 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Albin Chaplin   3024-2791



Since the corpse was a heel and a bum,                      
To his wake the whole nation will come.                     
So that people can spit                                     
On his coffin and shit,                                     
And we'll slide him to hell on the scum.                    
                                                            
55910 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Albin Chaplin   3024-2482



A teenage protester named Lil                               
Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill.                  
First they bugged our martinis,                             
Our bras and bikinis,                                       
And now they are bugging the pill."                         
                                                            
55911 PRESIDENTS - NIXON                                      



In the days of the glory of Greece                          
They had Jason to fetch home the fleece.                    
Today we have fleeces                                       
And Ludvig Von Mises,                                       
And instead of John Dean, we have Meece.                    
(Nixon Watergate conspirators - McW)                        
55912 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Neal Wilgus         P8311



Polital office, alas,                                       
Goes often to men who are crass.                            
Was Caligula coarse                                         
In appointing a horse?                                      
Look! We have elected an ass!                               
                                                            
55913 PRESIDENTS - NIXON             Laurence Perrine    P8411



It is very sad to look upon                                 
The man who had held Nation's con.                          
Quite painful to view                                       
The lengthly adieu                                          
Of famed Alzheimer-AILER RON.                               
                                                            
55914 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Chris Papa               



Wrote the Russian to Reagan: "Don't pop off.                
Our proposals for war let us stop off.                      
We can settle our stuff                                     
At my house on the bluff.                                   
You may come for a visit." ANDROPOV                         
                                                            
55915 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Albin Chaplin            



"Just a quick check for piles, Mr. Rea-                     
Gan. You'll be out in well under a day."                    
But later that doc                                          
Broke the news with a shock,                                
"Found a brain tumor, sorry to say."                        
                                                            
55916 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Michael Weinstein   P9001



The point most aparent from facts is                        
That Mondale avows to raise taxes;                          
"I want spending cuts!"                                     
Orders Ronnie with guts,                                    
While behind him his own budget waxes.                      
                                                            
55917 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            LaDonna Jones       P8411



When atom bombs rain from the sky,                          
All humans on earth, they will die.                         
As for Caspar and Ron,                                      
They too will be gone,                                      
So the price that we pay is not high.                       
                                                            
55918 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Albin Chaplin            



Since the president's ass gave him pain,                    
Two feet were removed with much strain.                     
Though it ached as before,                                  
They could not remove more --                               
They were getting to close to the brain.                    
                                                            
55919 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Phil Cannibal       P9001



Good Lady there is no conspiracy;                           
It's that people like Starr and Hatch see                   
The country doomed until Reagan.                            
Compare not to Fagin,                                       
Or suffer pain of heresy.                                   
                                                            
55920 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN                                     



Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!                             
How long have my brains been like soot?                     
When President and campaigning,                             
Were my faculties waning?                                   
I'd use my head if I knew where 'twas put!                  
                                                            
55921 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Cruelty Jones            



"The unions will soon rue this day!"                        
Said the President, fresh from the fray.                    
"For we've passed some new laws                             
To correct all their flaws.                                 
Let's begin with a little foreplay!"                        
                                                            
55922 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Neal Wilgus         P8608



Ronald Reagon observed, "I allow                            
That the buck, of course, still stops here now.             
In that there's no change.                                  
The thing that seems strange                                
Is that I've misplaced it somehow."                         
                                                            
55923 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            A. N. Wilkins       P9004



There once was a man named Hinckley                         
Whose actions did certainly stinkley.                       
He was such a pagan                                         
That he tried to kill Reagan                                
To impress Jodie Foster, I thinkley.                        
                                                            
55924 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN                                     



A small but a very proud nation                             
Endured a severe devastation,                               
For their leaders did vamp                                  
With the opposite camp,                                     
And they suffered U.S. Liberation.                          
                                                            
55925 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Albin Chaplin            



Ronnie ran to Japan with great glee                         
To propound on his presidency.                              
He spoke in a fog                                           
And he slept like a log --                                  
He took two million bucks for his fee.                      
                                                            
55926 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Phil Cannibal       P9001



Ronald Reagan, the head of the land,                        
Came to visit his strink, Dr. Rand.                         
Said the shrink, "You can lie                               
On the couch." Ron asked, "Why?                             
I can lie very well when I stand!"                          
                                                            
55927 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Phil Cannibal       P9001



Ron Reagan to Nancy's chagrin                               
Met his fate when a lion did him in.                        
The result of all that,                                     
He found when he shat                                       
'Twas the same as the stuff that went in.                   
                                                            
55928 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Phil Cannibal       P9001



There's something that's scary and pagan                    
About naming things for Ronald Reagan,                      
As if repeating his name                                    
Could rekindle the flame                                    
And his obsolete dogma awaken.                              
                                                            
55929 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Dr Limerick              



A student named Nancy wed Ronnie,                           
She thought him quite handsome and brawny                   
Until their wedding night                                   
When he broached her with fright,                           
For his pubes were orange-haired and scrawny!               
                                                            
55930 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            LaDonna Jones       P8411



Said Ronald to Nancy, "Go see                               
If some votes you can gather for me."                       
Said Nancy, "Don't fret,                                    
Your votes I will get."                                     
So she kissed Mr. T on TV.                                  
                                                            
55931 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Albin Chaplin            



The First Lady, you know, Nancy R.                          
Was once courted by the fancy star.                         
He was keen on confessing                                   
To smart word processing.                                   
NCR was outworded by far.                                   
(another one I don't get - McW)                             
55932 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Bill Backe-Hansen   P8411



These days Ronald Reagan's as vague,                        
Of world affairs as an egg.                                 
Now the most fun he gets                                    
Is when one of her pets                                     
Jumps up and humps on his leg.                              
                                                            
55933 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            John Chastaine     TP9802



You can say what you like about Ronnie;                     
His political stance is not fonnie,                         
But it could be much harder --                              
We still might have Carter                                  
(Who would beat up a poor lettle bonnie...)                 
(to be read in a thick Puerto-Rican accent)                 
55934 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Robin K. Willoughby P8411



My hand on the Bible, I swear,                              
By my only slightly dyed hair.                              
There'll be wealth for all.                                 
But mostly Clairol,                                         
For I own much more than one share.                         
                                                            
55935 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Larry Davis         P8501



As Bonzo won movieland fame,                                
His co-star received the acclaim.                           
Now Bonzo is gone;                                          
His co-star lives on                                        
And plays the political game.                               
                                                            
55936 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            R. J. Winkler       P8408



A well-known ex-actor named Reagan                          
Kissed the cheek of the mad-bomber Begin.                   
This cosmic connection                                      
Gave both an erection,                                      
Which pissed off the celebrity Sagan.                       
                                                            
55937 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Neal Wilgus         P8205



The President's men had a plan (C),                         
And they all agreed to a man, see.                          
They'd give Ronnie a push                                   
And hide behind Bush.                                       
But what would they do about Nan(cy)?                       
                                                            
55938 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Neal Wilgus         P8607



"As your new presidential selection,                        
I'll govern with love and affection;                        
To Nancy, I've said,                                        
'On your back, in the bed:'                                 
So from screwing up, I have protection."                    
                                                            
55939 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Ed Potts            P8501



That rotten whore Margaret Thatcher,                        
Had a vicious fuck; no one could match her.                 
Said President Reagan                                       
As he pulled out his pee-gun,                               
"That's no beaver, my pet, that's a badger."                
                                                            
55940 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Gene Brady               



On observing the Russian atomics                            
And studying Superman comics,                               
I think it's an error                                       
To counteract terror                                        
With gas, bombs, and Reaganonomics.                         
                                                            
55941 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            C. O. Ingamelis     P8411



Ronald Reagan screamed out in dismay,                       
When he saw his old films, "I must say                      
It's a very hard fact,                                      
I must learn to act."                                       
And that's what he does every day.                          
                                                            
55942 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Frank Richards           



I, President Ronnie the Rage,                               
Despite my incredible age,                                  
Will protect this great country                             
From every affont'ry;                                       
Will the script man now please turn the page!               
                                                            
55943 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            C. R. Openshaw      P8501



Hypertension is clearly the fault                           
Of the Kremlin," said Reagan. "To halt                      
Its increasing for sure,                                    
I'm providing the cure.                                     
I'll simply eliminate SALT.                                 
                                                            
55944 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            A. N. Wilkins       P8608



Reagan says he'll take the blame                            
For the Beirut bombing.  What a shame,                      
A lousy actor                                               
Being a factor                                              
In settling the world aflame.                               
                                                            
55945 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Maurice Zallen      P8402



Ron's illness is sad, such a pain.                          
Why this happened, no one can explain.                      
Some transplant success                                     
Gives us hope, but the press                                
Says as yet there's no transplant of brain.                 
                                                            
55946 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Ann Gasser               



The President's eyes often glaze                            
When the Cabinet's colloquy strays.                         
The meetings go on,                                         
Though it's bedtime for Ron,                                
Who is back in his Death Valley Days.                       
                                                            
55947 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Chris Doyle         P8805



In alternative systems, indeed,                             
There are policies based upon greed;                        
But in ours, it is merit                                    
Which determines -- I swear it --                           
How much welfare the wealthiest need.                       
                                                            
55948 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Thomas A. Quinine   P8501



Ron Reagan has given (loud cheers!)                         
Us wonderful things for four years:                         
The Meeses, old cheeses,                                    
Oil leases, and Jesus...                                    
And a mixed bag of nuclear fears.                           
                                                            
55949 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Arthur Deex         P8405



From good sense Ronald Reagan's retreated;                  
My regard for him is depleted.                              
He started so well,                                         
Then became nutty as hell.                                  
Now he's just another expletive deleted.                    
(Published 1982 before Reagan's Alzheimers.. or maybe not)  
55950 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Ed Wolfert          P8205



Though weapons are stockpiled and squirreled                
And horrible insults are hurled,                            
My nuclear arm                                              
Is no cause for alarm --                                    
I swear I won't blow up the world.                          
                                                            
55951 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Esther M. Leiper    P8501



A septagenarian president                                   
Has entered the White House as resident.                    
He loves our great land,                                    
But to buy second-hand                                      
A car from him, I would be hesitant.                        
                                                            
55952 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Ed Wolfert          P8205



Said Reagan, "O. J. you're the best.                        
We're so glad you're out of that mess.                      
We hope you'll come see                                     
Both Nancy and me,                                          
When you and Nicole come out West."                         
                                                            
55953 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Theo M. Weller      P9512



Reagan has a growth that's benign.                          
A diagnosis that he thinks is fine.                         
The real growth, however,                                   
Which is as light as a feather,                             
Is the lump at the top of his spine.                        
                                                            
55954 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Maurice Zallen      P8406



R. Reagan declares that to zing                             
The deficit he needs one thing.                             
With real tax reform                                        
He'll weather the storm,                                    
And "Debt," he'll ask, "where is thy sting."                
                                                            
55955 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            A. N. Wilkins       P8607



Please note I speak not out of spite --                     
Reagan wants to do good and do right --                     
He's suave, I suppose,                                      
In manner and clothes,                                      
But frankly, Jane Wyman was right.                          
                                                            
55956 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            LaDonna Jones       P8411



In the Liberty bash it's foregone                           
That the President had to be drawn                          
For lighting the lamp                                       
Which shows that this gramp                                 
Can still turn a female type on.                            
                                                            
55957 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            A. N. Wilkins       P8608



Forty-nine out of fifty is good,                            
And Ron did the best that he could.                         
But old Minnesota                                           
Is now "East Dakota"                                        
And the ten thousand lakes are all mud.                     
                                                            
55958 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            C. R. Openshaw      P8501



The President gave us Star Wars                             
And the people all screamed for lots more.                  
The budget's in red,                                        
And the people quite bled,                                  
But ready and willing like whores.                          
                                                            
55959 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Bob Jones           P8409



Ronald Reagan at first was all hot                          
For Judge Ginsburg, and then he was not.                    
Quite visibly pained,                                       
The Gipper explained,                                       
"We can't have The Court going to pot."                     
                                                            
55960 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            A. N. Wilkins       P8912



The US prestige took a dive                                 
While the Contra/Iran scandals thrive.                      
But you'll have to agree                                    
That this just wouldn't be                                  
If Ron Reagan had still been alive.                         
                                                            
55961 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Arthur Deex         P8912



Ronald Reagan, they say, from the start                     
Had so mastered the horseperson's art                       
That today he perforce                                      
Seems part of the horse,                                    
But what they don't say is which part.                      
                                                            
55962 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            A. N. Wilkins       P8907



I solemnly swear or affirm                                  
I'll serve in the White house this term                     
With grandeur and poise                                     
Amid mandated joys.                                         
Amen. The Grand Old Pachyderm.                              
(Ronald Reagans presidential oath)                          
55963 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Arthur Deex         P8412



I pledge to stand up for the right                          
Of government force in a fight.                             
We sha'nt let be strong                                     
Those left, who are wrong.                                  
I pledge to stand up for the right.                         
                                                            
55964 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Laurence Perrine    P8501



You taxpayers shouldn't relax;                              
I spurn my opponent's attacks;                              
I swear by this oath,                                       
To show I'm not loath                                       
To raise both my hand and your tax.                         
                                                            
55965 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            R. J. Winkler       P8501



I promise to uphold the right                               
Of the rich to get richer by might.                         
And if things go at all well,                               
I'll appoint Jerry Falwell                                  
As First Lord of Truth and of Light.                        
                                                            
55966 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Laurence Perrine    P8501



For his cabinet, Reagan so vague,                           
Chose a man who would let loose a plague.                   
So we sit and we pray                                       
And we long for the day                                     
When the last atom bomb blows up Haig.                      
                                                            
55967 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Albin Chaplin   3024-3019



Ronnie Reagan had bad constipation,                         
A problem with elimination.                                 
A true politition,                                          
He cured his condition                                      
With verbalized regurgitation.                              
                                                            
55968 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Neal Wilgus         P8209



As Ron slept with his dear Nancy Fair,                      
He reached for a tit that was bare.                         
Then he felt for her snatch                                 
But drew back with dispatch,                                
When he found Frankie's tongue was still there.             
                                                            
55969 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Al Chaplin          P9402



"Since he sleeps in his office, how come                    
He vacations so frequently, chum?"                          
The reporter, a pro,                                        
Said "What I want to know                                   
Is what he's vacationing from."                             
                                                            
55970 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            A. N. Wilkins       P8709



The movie protrayed Ronald Reagan                           
As something far worse than a pagan.                        
But Barbra Streisand                                        
Got a suprise and                                           
Matt Drudge looks as smart as Carl Sagan.                   
                                                            
55971 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            John Miller              



Ron Reagan for missiles now begs --                         
Take care for we're treading on eggs.                       
So beware of his charms,                                    
If we vote for his arms,                                    
It may cost us an couple of legs.                           
                                                            
55972 PRESIDENTS - REAGAN            Albin Chaplin   3024-2940



George Washington's father was wary,                        
But George told a story contrary:                           
"I was far from that tree                                   
And in nine months you'll see,                              
I was taking the neighbor girl's cherry."                   
                                                            
55973 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Don Moore           P0209



Twenty thousand leagues under the sea,                      
Is where all politicians should be.                         
Their facts are all wet,                                    
There's been no truth yet,                                  
Since George and the old cherry tree.                       
                                                            
55974 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Jumping Jack             



A young George Washington said, "Gee                        
Will they name a city after me,                             
In the event                                                
That I'm president?                                         
I sure hope that it's not Milwaukee."                       
                                                            
55975 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Tom Patton          P9501



"Mr. Washington," said Boatswain Choate,                    
"This is not the best vessel afloat,                        
But we'll make it," he swore,                               
"To the opposite shore                                      
If you'll sit down and not rock the boat."                  
                                                            
55976 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        A. N. Wilkins       P8406



George Washington said to his dad,                          
"You know that big fruit-tree you had?                      
I've just chopped it down.                                  
Now Father, Don't frown.                                    
I can't tell a lie.  Aren't you glad?"                      
                                                            
55977 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Frank Richards           



In the Colonies, George made it big,                        
When he stated "George Third is a prig."                    
Royalists said, "You're a spook                             
And wear one bad peruke."                                   
George said, "That's no peruke, it's a WHIG!"               
                                                            
55978 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



George Washington told the brigade                          
On the Delaware, "Men, I'm afraid,                          
Since advantage here lies                                   
In total surprise,                                          
The decision is Roe v. Wade."                               
                                                            
55979 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Maurine LaCaff      P9112



George Washington, the Delaware.                            
Not only snipers everywhere,                                
His troops could not afford                                 
A "George overboard."                                       
That's George's stand-in standin' there.                    
                                                            
55980 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Irving Superior     P9001



George Washington won some renown,                          
Fessing up 'bout the tree he cut down.                      
But "You dope!" was the quote                               
When he stood in that boat.                                 
"Sit down!  If you fall in, you'll drown."                  
                                                            
55981 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Larry Hollister          



George Washington, his portrait file.                       
Since wooden dentures were the style,                       
Tight-lipped he would pose                                  
For each artist knows                                       
He'd get splinters if he would smile.                       
                                                            
55982 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Irving Superior     P9001



I wrote her from old Valley Forge:                          
"Dear Martha, thy sticky brown gorge...                     
I miss it so well...                                        
I dream of thy smell...                                     
Oh Blimey, I've stepped in some George!"                    
                                                            
55983 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        H                        



On George, "I cannot tell a lie,"                           
We know he chopped but don't know why.                      
Improve the view?                                           
Build up his thew?                                          
"I'm sick and tired of cherry pie!"                         
                                                            
55984 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Irving Superior     P9502



George Washington at Valley Forge                           
Where hungry soldiers dream of gorg-                        
Ous women they'd eat,                                       
Or use for their heat,                                      
When they would from the Valley forge.                      
                                                            
55985 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Irving Superior     P9001



Dear Martha, on taking your dare,                           
I did cross the cold Delaware.                              
But I nearly froze                                          
My tail to my toes;                                         
Next time I WILL wear underwear!                            
                                                            
55986 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Travis Brasell           



On view at Mount Vernon: a wreath,                          
His ceremonial sword in its sheath,                         
His gold epaulets,                                          
Brass buttons (two sets),                                   
And one set of wooden false teeth.                          
                                                            
55987 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Laurence Perrine    P9501



George said, "I can not tell a lie."                        
His father said, "Never say die!                            
If you put your will to it,                                 
I'm sure you can do it.                                     
But you must make a really hard try."                       
                                                            
55988 PRESIDENTS - WASHINGTON        Laurnece Perrine    P9005



Well broads, we are full of compassion;                     
We hand out your daily come ration.                         
Every night a good boff;                                    
It should be enough,                                        
Executed in orderly fashion.                                
                                                            
55989 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



I was driving on top of a levee                             
In my custom-built '64 Chevy.                               
I pulled over to sleep;                                     
When I woke to a beep,                                      
And found me attacked by a bevy.                            
(bevy - group of 1. quail 2. amorous women)                 
55990 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Boxer               T9801



As long as you girls are curvaceous,                        
Who cares if you're thick or sagacious?                     
If uplift you dream                                         
Of, just rub in my cream;                                   
Unlike duct tape it's proven efficacious.                   
                                                            
55991 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A lad from far-off Transvaal                                
Was lustful, but tactful withal.                            
He'd say, just for luck,                                    
"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"                                   
But he'd bow 'till he almost would crawl.                   
                                                            
55992 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                               L0115



A smart-aleck hick named Jack Cass                          
Often whistles at dollies who pass.                         
Of some the reaction                                        
Gives him great satisfaction,                               
For they often go down in the grass.                        
                                                            
55993 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Grand Prix Lim  119      



Propositioned by Buddy McClure,                             
A titsome blonde love with allure                           
Said, "You seem to lack zing,                               
But I've got a hot thing,                                   
So my answer to you, Bud, is SURE!"                         
                                                            
55994 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Grand Prix Lim  239      



CPA Cornelius Drext,                                        
Consulted by a dame, oversexed.                             
"Help me, goddamn!                                          
To screw Uncle Sam!"                                        
He said "Yes if I can be next!"                             
                                                            
55995 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Marsha Magee       TP9806



There was a young fellow from Brighton                      
An elderly spinster did frighten.                           
He held her by the wrist                                    
Then said, "Cease and desist,                               
For lovin's much better than fightin'!"                     
                                                            
55996 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Albin Chaplin            



I did it. I stood in her garden                             
And shouted, "Come fuck!"  She said, "Pardon?"              
And flashed me a smile                                      
But I splashed half a mile;                                 
Not ideal for maintaining a hard on.                        
                                                            
55997 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



But although once again I'm in traction,                    
I can't get enough of your action;                          
It won't put me off you,                                    
I'll have you and boff you,                                 
And give you complete satisfaction.                         
                                                            
55998 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A lecherous salesman named Leeth                            
Would always feel girls underneath.                         
The young ladies down South                                 
Gave him busts in the mouth,                                
While up North, he got cracks in the teeth.                 
                                                            
55999 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1880



A horny, uncouth little runt                                
Treated girls in his manner so blunt.                       
He would talk to them, not                                  
Because friendship he sought,                               
But because they were owners of cunt.                       
                                                            
56000 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Al Chaplin          P0302



Instead of a charity box,                                   
For good causes I use my sox                                
To collect public money.                                    
But if she's a honey,                                       
I whisper, "Come delve in my jocks."                        
                                                            
56001 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



"I would", to his date murmured Dick,                       
"Amuse you by flicking my Bic;                              
But my fuse has been lit,                                   
So I'd deem it more fit,                                    
To enthuse you by dipping my wick!"                         
                                                            
56002 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



To assure yourself getting a slice,                         
Proposition all dames at least twice.                       
If your whispers and hugging                                
Don't start one to slugging,                                
Your second attempt may prove NICE.                         
                                                            
56003 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Grand Prix Lim  839      



A cinema star who got famous,                               
Grabbed a waitress to feel what a dame is.                  
"Let us eat, let us drink,"                                 
The ham said with a wink,                                   
"And make Mary, if that's what your name is."               
                                                            
56004 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Don Moore           P0204



Now you are really in luck;                                 
I won't wrap you in the tape, duct.                         
For others have burst                                       
At the size of my wurst,                                    
But you will enjoy our first fuck!                          
                                                            
56005 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Archie                   



At the Bell was one hot, Latin mama,                        
So I asked of her, "¨Como se llama . . . ?"                 
Before crying, "­Carajo!"                                   
As I dropped my last taco . . .                             
(. . . but she fed me hers later en cama).                  
                                                            
56006 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



There was an old man of Montbello                           
Who met a young girl who said, "Hello."                     
"Well, enough has been said,                                
Let us both get to bed.                                     
I'm a man of few words," he did bellow.                     
                                                            
56007 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0270



Oh vandal of velvet and vice,                               
With breasts so perkily nice!                               
Your lustful gyrations                                      
Make for phallic elations.                                  
Oh, why won't a ten-spot suffice?                           
                                                            
56008 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from South Philly                     
Who quit Greenpeace cause she thought it silly.             
I said, " Don't worry, Gail,                                
If you still want to pet a whale,                           
Just undo my zipper and free willy!"                        
                                                            
56009 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Anon                     



I'm a horny, insensitive lunk,                              
Who thinks foreplay all hooey and bunk.                     
Bend yourself 'cross that chair,                            
With your ass in the air,                                   
And I'll spackle your cervix with spunk.                    
                                                            
56010 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



I'll eat it with all of the trimmin',                       
The same way that I like my women.                          
I'm cock o' the walk                                        
So get on my stalk,                                         
And I'll get down to slammin' that quim in                  
                                                            
56011 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



The ladies all think I'm a prick,                           
But calling me names will not stick.                        
If me you can handle                                        
By holding a candle,                                        
Come over and get on my wick                                
                                                            
56012 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



I called him a randy old goat.                              
Then he chuckled deep in his throat,                        
"You bet I am, dear                                         
So, get over here --                                        
There's bits of my body in bloat."                          
                                                            
56013 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A Scout helped a lady go through                            
A busy street crossing in Kew.                              
She said, "Can I repay                                      
Your good deed for today?"                                  
Said the Boy Scout, "Just give me a screw."                 
                                                            
56014 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Albin Chaplin   3024-2333



We're running along through the grass,                      
When Charlie falls right on his ass.                        
"Hey, Babe," the jerk said,                                 
"Come here.  Gimmie head!"                                  
The damn guy just ain't got no class.                       
                                                            
56015 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



An everglades chick I did woo,                              
One evening; My tool really grew.                           
Driving down a dark road,                                   
How I drooled as I crowed:                                  
"I'm going to Tampa with you!"                              
                                                            
56016 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Allen Wolverton          



So let's all agree and not scoff,                           
Or criticise, whimper or wrath,                             
We give you the eye,                                        
You raise your skirts high,                                 
And show us the good stuff straight off.                    
                                                            
56017 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Tim Fisher               



There once was a man named Magruder,                        
Who lived with a stripper and wooed her.                    
She said it was rude                                        
To get wooed in the nude,                                   
So Magruder got ruder and screwed her.                      
                                                            
56018 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Anon                     



Then, a cop who was walking his beat,                       
Came upon this virgin young treat.                          
He, being wise                                              
Said "Don't mind the size.                                  
I'll now show you who's got the meat!"                      
                                                            
56019 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jim Weaver Collection    



I called out into the ether,                                
Lusting for my Thweet Peether.                              
Ith it really you?                                          
Have you come to do                                         
Me? (Or just some heavy breather?)                          
                                                            
56020 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Ericka                   



I've put your kiss here in my pocket,                       
Right next to my anxious crotch rocket.                     
I hope you don't mind                                       
My tool wants me to find,                                   
A way into your warm wet socket.                            
                                                            
56021 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



Believe me my dear, there's no boasting;                    
I'm dying to give you a roasting.                           
My hormones won't rest                                      
Till  I'm  on  your  chest,                                 
And my glockenspiel you are hosting.                        
                                                            
56022 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



You'll never have to strip your own clothes                 
Unless you're a stripper, I suppose.                        
So come on and shake it,                                    
And all, please, off take it,                               
And then my thirst slake it with those! (*)(*)              
                                                            
56023 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



When I saw this young girl from Nebraska,                   
I was seized with the urge to unmask her.                   
As to how she would feel                                    
If I asked her to peel,                                     
I admit Idaho -- but Alaska!                                
                                                            
56024 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Keith MacMillan     A075A



There was a young man of Hoboken                            
Who was well known for being outspoken.                     
When a girl said, "What next?"                              
He would say, "Let's get sexed."                            
And within half an hour, he'd be pokin'.                    
                                                            
56025 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Isaac Asimov             



Said old Dick to a quite famous beauty,                     
"I think that it's my bounden duty                          
To give you the measure                                     
Of my tip for your pleasure --                              
And by "tip" I don't mean a gratuity."                      
                                                            
56026 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Isaac Asimov             



At a party a girly named Speers                             
Found everyone else there, were queers.                     
Cried the frail with a wail                                 
As she sat on her tail,                                     
"I ain't been propositioned for YEARS!"                     
                                                            
56027 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Grand Prix Lim  102      



Most lines don't require much luck,                         
So remember one thing when you're stuck:                    
The ultimate goal --                                        
Get your dick in the hole.                                  
You can try, "Hey c'mon, let's fuck!"                       
                                                            
56028 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



So's I can strip you of your scanties,                      
Those wonderful silky smooth panties,                       
And lick you up slick                                       
'Fore I slide in my dick,                                   
And you ride 'til we both have the ranties!                 
                                                            
56029 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A lecherous fellow named Babbit,                            
Asked a girl if she'd fuck it or nab it.                    
Said she, "From long habit,                                 
I fuck like a rabbit,                                       
So I'd rather cohabit than grab it.                         
                                                            
56030 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                               L1369



A horrid old lady of Summit,                                
Every time she got laid, had to vomit.                      
And although she would groan,                               
When her man got a bone,                                    
"Give it here", she would say, "and I'll gum it."           
                                                            
56031 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                               L1617



There was a young man named Mick,                           
Who wanted a girl suck his dick.                            
Seated next at a bar,                                       
Said, "I know who you are!"                                 
And placed her lips on his prick.                           
                                                            
56032 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Louvies,                     
Who tickled his girl in the boobies,                        
And as she contorted,                                       
He looked down and snorted,                                 
"My prick wants to get in your movies!"                     
                                                            
56033 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                               L1609



A man asked my wife, "May we fuck?"                         
"I'm flowing. Your cock let me suck.                        
You can knock up at will                                    
My daughter--maid still--                                   
And cream off my sons, just for luck!"                      
                                                            
56034 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Clement Wood        G0744



I'm a single young man, quite sincere,                      
Asking you to accompany me, dear.                           
The journey, of course,                                     
Will be on a horse;                                         
You in front, and me in the rear.                           
                                                            
56035 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A confirmed multilinguist, I fear,                          
Finds conditions for flirting severe.                       
A girl scarcely knows                                       
The resonse to a beau's                                     
"Bitte, couchez avec mich, my dear."                        
                                                            
56036 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Isaac Asimov             



I also can't think when I'm crooked;                        
A few licks was all that it took, kid.                      
And now that I'm straight,                                  
Please bend for my eight                                    
Inch missile that longs to be fooked.                       
                                                            
56037 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Anon                     



Can you recommend a good bitch?                             
I've gotten the seven-year itch.                            
My balls are all blue                                       
And loaded with goo.                                        
I need to get inside that niche!                            
                                                            
56038 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Coolbreeze               



My girlfriend won't give me a look in;                      
Her dildo takes care of the fuckin'.                        
Are there any spare cracks?                                 
I must empty my sacks                                       
And if not, hows about a good suckin'.                      
                                                            
56039 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           F Ormatsee               



For a billion dollars I'll play                             
Any game, or a roll in the hay.                             
I'm low on my cash                                          
And hard in a flash;                                        
Beauty's only a lightswitch away.                           
                                                            
56040 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A philosopher, finding a stone-                             
Blind whore in a tropical zone,                             
Said "Miss, if you please,                                  
Dine down on your knees,                                    
Al fresco, and nibble my bone!"                             
                                                            
56041 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



Rose's are red; it is true.                                 
And Violet's are probably bue.                              
But your nipples my love                                    
Are like Heaven above;                                      
Can I suck them and give you a screw?                       
                                                            
56042 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           PeterW                   



I won't deny I like quim-eatin',                            
And also my zurd likes quim beatin'.                        
My jism will fly                                            
Into your fur pie;                                          
You'll not complain as I'm compleatin'.                     
                                                            
56043 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



Your 52 Double-F tits                                       
Don't frighten me, mama!  My bits                           
However will shivver                                        
Your kidneys and liver,                                     
When shoved up the place where you sits.                    
                                                            
56044 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



Last night a phone call obscene                             
Was left on my answer machine.                              
The sounds of him breathing,                                
But no number leaving,                                      
I think that is really so mean.                             
                                                            
56045 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A towering boor named Infernal                              
Sported organs of sex internal.                             
When an insensitive lass                                    
Did take him to task,                                       
He replied, "Contraria contrarilis curantur-al."            
(opposites cure opposites)                                  
56046 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A rapacious young man named McGee                           
Who was out on a big screwing spree,                        
Said, "Let those who don't fuck                             
Take a quick quiet duck --                                  
The rest better pass it out free."                          
                                                            
56047 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                               G0651



Here's Jon, who could never think straight;                 
His raging hormones...now sedate.                           
And RanDog once randy,                                      
Thinks offering his candy                                   
Will put me in some frenzied state.                         
                                                            
56048 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Anon                     



There once was a young man so horny,                        
He couldn't say anything corny.                             
He said, "I'm not joking,                                   
I'm due for some poking.                                    
Come play with my thing that is thorny.                     
                                                            
56049 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A workman who dwelt in Wyre Piddle                          
Met a maiden and posed her a riddle.                        
"I find I'm afire                                           
With carnal desire:                                         
My poker is hot -- is your griddle?"                        
                                                            
56050 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Harold C Bibby           



Though your head may look like a 'tater,                    
And your ass couldn't be that much greater,                 
I'll flip you around,                                       
Shove your face to the ground,                              
And pork you from now until later.                          
                                                            
56051 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A young girl, all her money was spent up,                   
And her frustrations she did keep well pent up.             
Said her landlord, "A shock!                                
If you don't suck my cock,                                  
I'm gonna have to raise your rent up!"                      
                                                            
56052 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



Every time I see Bee's derriere,                            
My rocket feels urges so rare.                              
In my head I know Bee                                       
Wouldn't shack up with me,                                  
But I still have my rockets red glare!                      
                                                            
56053 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Grand Prix Lim  266      



A horny Canuck one fine day,                                
So eager with his love to lay,                              
Said in words very brief,                                   
Writ on red maple leaf,                                     
"So how 'bout a roll in the hay?"                           
                                                            
56054 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Robyn                    



I love how she looked at me - panic!                        
In my red suit I looked quite Satanic.                      
But hey, 'Cei la Vie',                                      
It's just you and me,                                       
But I thought it was very romantic!                         
                                                            
56055 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



My passions today have been heightened;                     
The bulge in my jeans is now tightened.                     
The denim is ripping;                                       
There's something white dripping.                           
The monster's head throbs -- are you frightened?            
                                                            
56056 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jon Gearhart             



Amidst the confusion of a crowd,                            
Dirty Joe fondled young Miss Dowd.                          
She was shocked and afrighted,                              
And yet so excited,                                         
That she moaned for help, but not loud!                     
                                                            
56057 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Lims For Year - 01       



My grandfather clock in the hall                            
Will strike those nine chimes when you call;                
I'm ready, dear heart,                                      
For your legs to part;                                      
My cock, like my clock, stands quite tall!                  
                                                            
56058 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



They say that love's like a sweet rose                      
That over the years grows and grows.                        
The petals spread wide,                                     
Letting pollen inside;                                      
Spread yours and I'll give you a dose!                      
                                                            
56059 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Tiddy Ogg                



At a party, a girl said "I would                            
Play strip poker if I could.                                
But that would be hard...                                   
We don't have any cards."                                   
So I stripped and I poked her real good!                    
                                                            
56060 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Possum             TP9802



In my new clean regime I can't settle;                      
For my Hollyhock's harder than metal.                       
I'd better r-rush                                           
B-before I g-gush.                                          
I'll be round in a second, P-Petal.                         
                                                            
56061 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



A deplorable fellow named Sloane,                           
Once called twenty girls on the phone.                      
He asked each if they'd screw.                              
Each replied, "Nuts to you!"                                
So the poor guy sits home all alone.                        
                                                            
56062 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Isaac Asimov             



If I impress her I might get a lay,                         
But I'm struggling for something to say.                    
I'm so terribly shy.                                        
At last I let fly,                                          
"Do you know I've had three shits today?"                   
                                                            
56063 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Kim and Sam              



We told the new steno named Kay:                            
"Stock broking's okay as to pay...                          
If you go for coition                                       
You'll keep the position,                                   
Otherwise you're just here for today..."                    
                                                            
56064 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Grand Prix Lim  574      



You're fat and you're sloppy and smelly,                    
And you spend all your time watching telly.                 
But treat me real nice,                                     
And you'll maybe entice                                     
Me to shoot off a load in your belly.                       
                                                            
56065 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



As a swatter, I swatted a fly;                              
As a batter, I batted a fly.                                
As a lover, I'm ready                                       
To lift up a Teddy,                                         
And gladly unzip a fly.                                     
                                                            
56066 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A haughty young damsel named Rose,                          
Is peculiar how men do propose.                             
To "Let's have intercourse,"                                
She says gaily, "Of course,"                                
But to "Lets fuck", she turns up her nose.                  
                                                            
56067 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                               L1527



There once was a surfer named Buck                          
Who drove round in a 20-ton truck.                          
He opened the door                                          
And called out to a whore                                   
To ask if she wanted a fuck!                                
                                                            
56068 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A musician from Wooloomoloo                                 
Took a girl home he wanted to screw.                        
When he asked, "Will you play?"                             
She thought music, "Okay,"                                  
But he pulled out his didgeridoo.                           
                                                            
56069 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Don Moore                



A destitute lady named Flossa                               
Was begging for food in Mombossa.                           
She appealed for some meat                                  
From a Pole, name of Pete,                                  
So he slipped her his eight inch kielbasa.                  
                                                            
56070 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0145



There was a young lady from Chisworth                       
Who asked a young man "What is this worth?"                 
As she lifted her skirt.                                    
He became quite alert                                       
And said "All I possess on this earth!"                     
                                                            
56071 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE           Anon                     



Big Bob, let's just run off together;                       
We sound like two birds of a feather.                       
I can pee when I stand,                                     
Cause I'm really a man!                                     
How you feel about whips, chains and leather?               
                                                            
56072 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



In my trousers is a brightly glowing rod;                   
I love to talk about my bod.                                
But in bars it won't work;                                  
I'm considered a jerk,                                      
And sometimes considerably odd.                             
                                                            
56073 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



The rod in my pocket glows brightly;                        
I offer to showcase it nightly.                             
They point and they stare,                                  
'Cause it's covered in hair.                                
From now on, I'll use Rogain more lightly!                  
                                                            
56074 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE                                    



To her boss, said a typist, Miss Hyatt,                     
"I am through -- take a kite and go fly it.                 
For I seek a transition                                     
To a better position."                                      
Said her Boss, "Please undress and let's try it!"           
                                                            
56075 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Albin Chaplin   3024-2985



Said a naked young sailor named Chuck,                      
To his cunt, "Kid, I'm shit out of luck.                    
I'm due back at the dock,                                   
But I've got a stiff cock;                                  
Spread your legs and I'll throw you a fuck."                
                                                            
56076 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Jim Weaver Collection    



The honey you'll get when you quaff                         
My stem will engorge your carafe;                           
If your honey-sucker                                        
Is ready to pucker,                                         
My stem is now standing full-staff.                         
                                                            
56077 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



When a girl's introduced to McGrew,                         
He askes her flat out, if she'll screw.                     
In most every case,                                         
He gets slapped in the face,                                
But he claims he gets screwed a lot, too.                   
                                                            
56078 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Pierce Evans             



A curious youth from Vancouver                              
Espied a cute lass in the Louvre;                           
He sneaked up behind,                                       
Asked, "Please, do you mind?"                               
Then practiced the Heimlich Maneuver.                       
                                                            
56079 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Armand E Singer       541



Hey Lady; I hope you're not spooked,                        
For I've crept up behind and unhooked.                      
Now off with your scanties                                  
And tiny red panties;                                       
You ready?  Prepare to be fooked!                           
                                                            
56080 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



I've have a hot throbbing erection                          
Aimed right at your pink wet mid-section.                   
And if you act quickly                                      
I'll give you for free                                      
Your gynecologic inspection.                                
                                                            
56081 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Jon Gearhart             



Well, quick hon, we still have some time;                   
I'll hurry while you're in your prime.                      
Lie back, take it easy;                                     
I'm feeling quite sleazy,                                   
As onto your hard cock I climb.                             
                                                            
56082 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



Oh maiden of beauty astounding,                             
Your hair soft, your voice so sweet sounding...             
Enough of this crap,                                        
Come sit on my lap;                                         
My todger will give you a pounding.                         
                                                            
56083 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Tiddy Ogg                



"On your lap," she said, "I am not able."                   
So I bent her over the table.                               
I gave her the biz;                                         
Left her dripping with jizz;                                
I think that her name, it was Mabel.                        
                                                            
56084 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Tiddy Ogg                



Your sweet and delightful, sweet Mabel.                     
For you there's some soft furry sable.                      
It's a very nice coat                                       
From your knees to your throat.                             
Now can we fuck on the table?                               
                                                            
56085 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Archie                   



About romance I haven't a clue;                             
That much stuff I just don't do.                            
But if you just want to fuck,                               
Then I guess your in luck;                                  
Come take off your clothes and let's screw.                 
                                                            
56086 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



But hark; sounds like Glad at the door.                     
"Oh Gladys, come in!" I implore;                            
"This percy I'm flashin'                                    
Needs boffin' with passion                                  
Then tenderly nursed when it's sore."                       
                                                            
56087 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



Said a man to a maiden of Sicily,                           
"Can a man give you a fuck, or can't he?"                   
She said with a grin,                                       
"Sure, shove it right in,                                   
But pronto, I beg, not al dente."                           
                                                            
56088 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



Climbing stairs in the middle school's hall                 
We looked up to a sight to enthrall.                        
We saw with our eyes,                                       
Little Flora May's thighs,                                  
Rosy cheeks, and pink panties and all.                      
                                                            
56089 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Liam na Baeg             



I did dare at the top of the stair,                         
'Cause I thought that my chances were fair,                 
To get a good feel,                                         
Before she could reel,                                      
But I didn't have much of a prayer.                         
                                                            
56090 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Liam na Baeg             



I walked up, put my hand on her back.                       
Then she elbowed me; gave me a whack.                       
'Cause this sweet young belle                               
Knew me far too well.                                       
I had tried it before, once, alack.                         
                                                            
56091 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Liam na Baeg             



"Bet you wouldn't dare try it," said Keith,                 
After getting a view from beneath.                          
I accepted his dare                                         
To touch Flora May there --                                 
And promptly lost three of my teeth.                        
                                                            
56092 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   John Miller              



A nice country gal's going to waste?                        
To neglect that, might get me disgraced!                    
If your thighs you would spread;                            
Put your hands on my head;                                  
Just lean back, I'll have me a taste!                       
                                                            
56093 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



I'm just an adventurous colt,                               
Who's taken a shine to a dolt.                              
Now quit being naive,                                       
And stand to receive                                        
This rigid and pendulous bolt.                              
                                                            
56094 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Anon                     



It was not my intention to mock                             
Your undoubtedly wonderful knock-                           
ers. Now lift up your frock                                 
And prepare for a shock;                                    
I've a rock of a cock in my jock.                           
                                                            
56095 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Jim Weaver Collection    



A brash young bloke in Australia,                           
Said he to a maiden, "I'll nail ya."                        
So she followed this bore                                   
From his adult book store,                                  
And purloined his paraphernalia.                            
                                                            
56096 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   The Sailor          P0310



"I love how with kisses you shower me;                      
I ache for your lips to devour me.                          
An innocent virgin                                          
I be, but I'm urgin'                                        
You -- Screw me!  Debauch me!  Deflower me! "               
                                                            
56097 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK                            



I've gathered a dozen fresh eggs,                           
Filled bottles with 'shine from my kegs,                    
Fetched skins from the tanners,                             
And polished my manners                                     
To greet you -- now spread your damn legs.                  
                                                            
56098 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Travis Brasell           



Romancing me?  That was your goal?                          
No wonder you're fucking a foal.                            
At least, I would think                                     
You would offer a drink.                                    
Come forward and show me your pole.                         
                                                            
56099 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Bonnie                   



Forgive me for being a brute                                
Whose skills at amour ain't astute.                         
But, Hell, have some whiskey;                               
It's time to get frisky.                                    
Drop down, open wide, suck my root!                         
                                                            
56100 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Travis Brasell           



Sweet Kiwi, adorable goddess,                               
I'm glad your not timid or modest.                          
I ache for a hump                                           
On your plump ample rump,                                   
And I'm coming to rip off your bodice.                      
                                                            
56101 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Peter Wilkins            



"Oh come, dear, let's climb up this hill                    
And look down on the riverside mill.                        
What a beautiful view                                       
Of the countryside, Hugh;                                   
So romantic a vista", sighed Jill.                          
                                                            
56102 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Peter Wilkins            



"I couldn't give a stuff or a bollock                       
How scenic the vista bucolic;                               
And as for romance",                                        
He said, dropping his pants,                                
"Suck my knob and get ready to frolic."                     
                                                            
56103 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   Peter Wilkins            



I asked her: "Do you want a FAQ?"                           
She agreed and she lay on her BAQ.                          
So on her I pounced                                         
And happily bounced,                                        
Till she said, "OK that's your lot, JAQ."                   
                                                            
56104 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - QUICK   TiddyOgg                 



I looked in the mirror today                                
And saw traces of silver and gray                           
In my hair and I thought,                                   
"How distinguished; I ought                                 
To find many a chick for a lay."                            
                                                            
56105 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



So I said most politely, "Hey you;                          
Do you fancy a suck and a screw?"                           
To a dozen young chicks                                     
But the answer was nix,                                     
'Til I heard a familiar moo.                                
                                                            
56106 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



My Cheri; what a beautiful sight!                           
Can I suck on your nipples tonight?                         
Am I getting a rise?                                        
Put your hands on my thighs;                                
Can you feel that my trousers are tight?                    
                                                            
56107 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



I'm hot for your body and steamin';                         
Assure me I'm not merely dreamin'.                          
To give you a kiss                                          
Would be ultimate bliss,                                    
And I promise no premature creamin'.                        
                                                            
56108 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



I'm an expert at making romance,                            
So I says to the dame at the dance,                         
"Could it be there's a mirror                               
In your pocket, my dear?                                    
I keep seeing myself in your pants."                        
                                                            
56109 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



Yes, an expert you are and so daring,                       
To question the dame in your caring.                        
But aren't you ashamed                                      
When your skills are defamed,                               
Being seen in her pants you are wearing?                    
                                                            
56110 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



You told me quite clearly, my lance                         
Was welcome inside of your pants;                           
As long as I wooed                                          
You and wasn't too crude,                                   
I'd be in, so you said, with a chance.                      
                                                            
56111 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



Remember that dinner and dance?                             
I wooed you with love and romance.                          
I bought you champagne                                      
And red roses, sweet Jane,                                  
In the hope I'd get into your pants.                        
                                                            
56112 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



And then there was Sunday in France;                        
I thought I was in with a chance.                           
Remember we kissed                                          
And you didn't resist                                       
But you laughed at my trouser advance.                      
                                                            
56113 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



Well fuck it!  I'm taking my chance.                        
Get naked and rip off your pants.                           
Just cut out the crap                                       
And come sit on my lap,                                     
And I'll give you a taste of romance.                       
                                                            
56114 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



The sight of my ruby wet lips                               
And some of his composure slips.                            
He wants it so bad,                                         
He feels iron-clad.                                         
"Let's Play 'Sink the Bismarck'" he quips.                  
                                                            
56115 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



The Bismarck, a fine battleship,                            
And as for the site of those lips,                          
We're happy to play                                         
Torpedo's away;                                             
Let's watch it explode on your hips.                        
                                                            
56116 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



They called her a prude, it is true;                        
But demure, she answered on cue:                            
"I'd rather respond                                         
To a subtle come-on,                                        
Than to walk up and say, 'Hey, let's screw!"                
                                                            
56117 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



Beneath that facade she was rude;                           
She had thoughts which were vulgar and crude.               
But her innocent eyes                                       
Belied dampness of thighs,                                  
And the fact she'd been recently screwed.                   
                                                            
56118 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



When the A.J.L. gentleman begs,                             
Ladies squawk like they're laying square eggs;              
He's got to be blunt,                                       
And emphatically grunt:                                     
"Come here bitch!  Lie down!  Spread your legs!"            
                                                            
56119 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Allen Wolverton          



That is why you go out in the dark,                         
Taking long lonely walks in the park,                       
Up and down every trail                                     
On the hunt for some tail                                   
From those females, four-footed that bark!                  
                                                            
56120 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Going2later              



Myfanwy!  Don't dilly and dally;                            
Just run that half-mile up the valley                       
From Llanfairpwligwyn...                                    
To the Sheep Shearer's Inn;                                 
I'll be waiting for you in the alley.                       
                                                            
56121 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



I hope that Myfanwy turns up                                
For I'm itching to fondle and cup                           
Her sweet titties and nips,                                 
Feel the curve of her hips                                  
And up-end her to give her a tup.                           
                                                            
56122 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



Good grief <shiver shiver> it's cold                        
In this alley; Myfanwy I'll scold                           
If she doesn't turn up                                      
Very soon for a tup,                                        
'Fore the forstbite takes serious hold.                     
                                                            
56123 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



Jeezus, it's now minus two,                                 
And my things turning purple and blue.                      
If I don't get a boff                                       
Soon, my nuts will fall off.                                
But hark!  Myfanwy!  That you?                              
                                                            
56124 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



Myfanwy?  <dead silence -- wee bleat>                       
It's a little lost lambkin; how sweet.                      
<Gambol frolic> You'll do                                   
For a screw, little ewe,                                    
So brace yourself now for a treat.                          
                                                            
56125 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Peter Wilkins            



A picnic out in the moonlight;                              
We'll drink a few beers; not get tight.                     
You won't need a nickel                                     
To taste of this pickle,                                    
But promise me that you won't bite.                         
                                                            
56126 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



I'll not bite, I will just lick                             
Your pickle and make it slick.                              
It will make you moan                                       
And shout and groan,                                        
And then I will ride that joystick.                         
                                                            
56127 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



They called her a prude, that is true.                      
Demurely she answered, "Fuck you...                         
If you want to make out,                                    
Don't act like a lout,                                      
By saying, "Hey baby, let's screw!'"                        
                                                            
56128 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Bluebird           TP9806



Most gals like a wee bit of class;                          
They tend to recoil when you're crass.                      
If you want to make out,                                    
Don't act like a lout,                                      
Or say things like, "Baby, nice ass!"                       
                                                            
56129 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Bluebird           TP9806



To a party, a man from Toledo                               
Went, wearing no more than a Speedo.                        
With a drink in his cup                                     
And his periscope up,                                       
He sought subdebs he could torpedo.                         
                                                            
56130 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Anon                     



Also there, from down near Escondido,                       
Was a man with the opposite credo.                          
He preferred to use taste,                                  
Not because he was chaste,                                  
But you get more tail while in a tuxedo.                    
                                                            
56131 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES Anon                     



A perverted young dude on a bench                           
Offered to do something French.                             
The girl, she said "Now?                                    
"You don't even know how."                                  
He just smiled and pulled out a wrench.                     
                                                            
56132 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



Said the girl to the dude, "You've got guts!                
Your offer is tempting me but                               
Your knowledge of women                                     
Just leaves my head swimmin'.                               
Do you think that my nipples are nuts?"                     
                                                            
56133 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



I wish men engaged in courtship,                            
Instead of this shot from the hip:                          
"Hey, Babe, wanna screw?"                                   
Geez, guys!  Get a clue!                                    
The lust without love is a gyp!                             
                                                            
56134 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



I like blaming things on you guys,                          
From warts to the size of my thighs.                        
I think you're right, too,                                  
And more than a few                                         
Sex partners lose out on the prize.                         
                                                            
56135 PROPOSITIONS - CRUDE - ZSERIES                          



My sweetest delectable Julie,                               
I love you etc. most truly;                                 
I hope you don't mind                                       
That your lovely behind,                                    
Is the cause of my member unruly.                           
                                                            
56136 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Peter Wilkins            



You lecher!  You bounder!  You rake!                        
How dare you makes eyes at my shak-                         
Ing, scantily clad,                                         
Derriere?  You cad!                                         
My brolly shall make your head ache!                        
                                                            
56137 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Julie Arbuthnot          



Well if you don't fancy our Pete,                           
My epee you'll find hard to beat.                           
I've whetted my sword,                                      
Just so I get onboard,                                      
And wiggle your bare country seat.                          
                                                            
56138 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Ericka                   



I'm surrounded by lechers and rakes,                        
All waving their big one-eyed snakes!                       
It's too much of a whirl!                                   
I'm an innocent girl!                                       
I'm afraid I don't have what it takes.                      
                                                            
56139 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Ericka                   



You may well be right 'bout the fakin',                     
But in one thing, I think you're mistaken.                  
It's surely the rakes                                       
That have what it takes,                                    
While you got what's doing the takin'!                      
                                                            
56140 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Sem                      



Ah Sem, You have dealt me a blow;                           
I'm floored by the lim you let go.                          
You say that the rakes                                      
Have got what it takes...                                   
Does this mean that you think I'm a ho'?                    
                                                            
56141 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Ericka                   



I'd not want to be such a dork                              
As to use such pejorative talk,                             
'Bout a gal I don't know';                                  
I can't call you a ho'.                                     
But we could share a nice garden fork?                      
                                                            
56142 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Sem                      



Seven-eights is a mightly slim screw                        
For a beauty as nifty as you.                               
Do you think that my bolt                                   
And nuts like a colt                                        
At two and a quarter, might do?                             
                                                            
56143 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John Miller              



Even more than the length, it's the heft                    
Of the metal engaging your cleft.                           
My american fine,                                           
Will not doubt align                                        
With your metric, unless it turns left.                     
                                                            
56144 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John Miller              



Now John, I would love to have sex                          
With a stud like you, down in Tex-                          
As.  But I don't dare                                       
For your nuts are square                                    
Amd my socket only fits hex.                                
                                                            
56145 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Ericka                   



Those words I find utterly wrenching.                       
You mean there is no way of clenching                       
My tool at the tip,                                         
With your famous lock-grip,                                 
While your fine six-point box gets a drenching?             
                                                            
56146 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John Miller              



I'm saddened and somewhat offended;                         
You don't want your socket distended,                       
By nuts that are square.                                    
Do you have a spare                                         
Ajustable?  Slip?  Open-ended?                              
                                                            
56147 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John Miller              



A stud who was totally buff,                                
Thought he would strut his tough stuff.                     
He leered at the girl,                                      
Who thought him a churl,                                    
And asked if she's getting enough.                          
                                                            
56148 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          OgniGioia                



She looked at him straight in the eye,                      
This creep who belonged in a sty,                           
And said, "An I.Q.                                          
Of at least one or two                                      
Is needed, so please don't apply!"                          
                                                            
56149 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          OgniGioia                



There once was a fellow named Bond                          
Who propositioned a good-looking blonde.                    
But she said, "No such luck.                                
Just go fuck a duck."                                       
So he did. Now he lives near the pond.                      
                                                            
56150 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Michael Weinstein   P8610



I went up to this chick in red,                             
And requested her presence in bed.                          
She whipped out her mace,                                   
Sprayed it in my face,                                      
And kicked me right in the head.                            
                                                            
56151 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Dylan Van Seegopaul      



There once was a young man from Borneo,                     
Who said to his girl friend, "Why scorn me so?              
I may run around bare                                       
Covered only with hair,                                     
But have you had a guy near as horny?  No!                  
                                                            
56152 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



I answered the phone for you, dear.                         
The message was, "Is the coast clear?"                      
I'd call the Coast Guard,                                   
You big tub of lard,                                        
But I want you to just disappear.                           
                                                            
56153 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young laddie named Baily,                       
Who met a nice lass at a ceilidh.   (??-McW)                
Hard to understand,                                         
He sat and held her hand;                                   
She was there from Haifa, an Israeli.                       
                                                            
56154 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Arthur Pattaffy          



Her feet tapped to the sound of the fiddle;                 
She jiggled as if on a griddle.                             
Can I take you home?                                        
She said, hair she must comb,                               
And Shalom as she left in the middle.                       
                                                            
56155 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Arthur Pattaffy          



"Jump into my bed", I implored,                             
While I was as stiff as a board;                            
But no answer I see                                         
To my desperate plea.                                       
Now it seems I've been sorely ignored.                      
                                                            
56156 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Peter Wilkins            



A young teacher from far-off Bombay                         
Turned down a request for a lay,                            
Nicely couched in a note,                                   
Wherein the fellow who wrote,                               
Had spelled "intercoarse" with an "a".                      
                                                            
56157 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Isaac Asimov             



I'm just living the life of a monk;                         
I can't get the guys here to boink.                         
It's just as I fear;                                        
To get noticed here                                         
Must a gal curl her tail and say "Oink!"?                   
                                                            
56158 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED                                   



There was a young lad at the lake,                          
Too obviously out on the make.                              
He would've done better                                     
If he'd hustled by letter --                                
No lassie would give him a shake.                           
                                                            
56159 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Jim Weaver Collection    



My hand gently ran across her skin                          
And the idea came to me to sin.                             
So I kissed her lips                                        
And then touched her hips.                                  
The docs say I'll not walk ever again.                      
                                                            
56160 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          A S BAIN                 



A lesbian living in Klondike                                
Was known about town for her blonde dike.                   
When a man in great heat                                    
Offered her his sex, neat,                                  
She said, "Nuts to squares, and your fronde, Ike."          
                                                            
56161 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Grand Prix Lim  961      



Said a straitlaced Bostonian lass,                          
"I don't mind a polite sort of pass.                        
But that dreadful old bore                                  
Took me for a whore,                                        
And offered one buck for my ass!"                           
                                                            
56162 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Edward Leer              



An obnoxious young fellow named Freddie                     
Tried to get in the pants of Miss Hedy.                     
But she told him "You twit!                                 
I don't think you'll fit.                                   
There's one asshole in there already!"                      
                                                            
56163 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Karen B                  



There was a young man from Belle Isle,                      
Who said to his girl, "If you'll, I'll."                    
"I'm willing," said she,                                    
"But first I must see                                       
How you look as I walk down the aisle."                     
                                                            
56164 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John Ciardi              



There was a young lady name Jo,                             
Who always said, "Thank you, but no,"                       
Which is poised and polite,                                 
But never does quite                                        
As well as, "Sure, Buster, let's go."                       
                                                            
56165 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John Ciardi              



I noticed that old lady Ruth                                
Is getting quite long in the tooth.                         
When offered a shag,                                        
The feisty old hag                                          
Told me she would rather a douche.                          
                                                            
56166 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          SFA                      



Said a middle-aged housewife named Pratt,                   
"Can you damned men think only of That?                     
Put it back in your pants!"                                 
"So much for romance,"                                      
Said her husband, "Go shit in your hat!"                    
                                                            
56167 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John Ciardi              



I never have had Miss Defauw,                               
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw,                     
If she'd only said "No"                                     
When I wanted her so;                                       
But she didn't; she laughed and said "Naw!"                 
                                                            
56168 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED                              L0024



Young Robert on meeting Monique                             
Tried out his new wooing technique;                         
He chatted her up                                           
With a "Fancy a tup?"                                       
And got belted from here to next week.                      
                                                            
56169 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady from Foster;                         
Some say that she was an imposter.                          
She poked an old guy                                        
With a fist in the eye.                                     
He shouldn't have tried to accost her.                      
                                                            
56170 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Aussie Owl               



'Twas quarter past four in the morn,                        
When I woke with a stiffening horn.                         
"Do you fancy a whirl?"                                     
I remarked to my girl.                                      
"Oh, fuck off", she replied so forlorn.                     
                                                            
56171 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED                                   



A randy old Russian named Bret,                             
Asked a girl to ride in a Corvette.                         
He asked her, "Com-rade,                                    
Would you like to get laid?"                                
But the girl slapped his face and said "Nyet!"              
                                                            
56172 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Alexander Baron          



An unprincipled bounder named Chase                         
Dropped some hints to his love that were base.              
His suggestions subliminal                                  
Were so damn close to criminal,                             
That she slugged him real hard in the face.                 
                                                            
56173 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Armand E Singer       209



I know a young girl of La Jolla                             
Who is suing her former emplolla.                           
Not knowing a pass meant                                    
A suit for harassment,                                      
He dreamed he could safely enjolla.                         
                                                            
56174 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          John                P9809



"When a weirdo in Delhi", said Jackie,                      
"Propositioned me till I felt wacky,                        
And insisted we screw                                       
On his bed of nails, too.                                   
I refused, since it would have been tacky."                 
                                                            
56175 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED                                   



A sex-crazy man from Nantucket,                             
When a chance came his way, then he tuck it.                
Until one fateful day,                                      
When a offer quite gay                                      
Was too much, and he told himself, "Fuck it!"               
                                                            
56176 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Anon                     



The thought of uprooting your fuzz                          
Has made me forget where I was.                             
But though I'm a drone,                                     
I'll still make you moan,                                   
Then give you one hell of a buzz.                           
                                                            
56177 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED                                   



I've had one too many a beer,                               
And I've misunderstood you, I fear.                         
And now you're quite wet,                                   
But please don't forget                                     
That you asked me to come over her.                         
                                                            
56178 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Phil T                   



Come here, let me play with your buns.                      
If you let me, I'll give you tons                           
Of attention, yes.                                          
So, please don't confess.                                   
The truth is you only like nuns.                            
                                                            
56179 PROPOSITIONS - DENIED          Bonnie                   



While strolling along by the Yangtse,                       
I met Mai who asked "Do you fangtse                         
A night of delight?"                                        
"All right gal, it might                                    
Be better than having a wangtse."                           
                                                            
56180 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Because I am known as a loner,                              
I can't walk around with a boner;                           
'Cause each gal I pass                                      
Is baring her ass,                                          
Enticing my boner to own her.                               
                                                            
56181 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



An Inuit lass near The Pole                                 
Said, "Sweetheart, please fill up my hole.                  
But before you do,                                          
I am warning you                                            
To warm it up on that hot coal."                            
                                                            
56182 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher,                            
Called a girl a most elegant creature.                      
So she laid on her back                                     
And, exposing her crack,                                    
Said, "Fuck THAT, you old Sunday School Teacher!"           
                                                            
56183 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                              L1373



To buxom ladies, and old lush named Serge                   
Has become a most terrible scourge.                         
Pinching bottoms and top,                                   
Day and night, and won't stop,                              
For he claims it's a biological urge.                       
                                                            
56184 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Cyd                      



One night a big gal, name of Dee,                           
Said, "Why don't you come home with me?"                    
Replied Serge with a shiver,                                
Now I'm all aquiver,                                        
But I use that part only to pee.                            
                                                            
56185 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Cyd                      



When a man queried saleslady Shedd                          
As to whether a fully made bed                              
Had springs that were quiet,                                
She answered, "Just try it!"                                
As she pulled down the blankets and spread.                 
                                                            
56186 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



An antsy-pants dolly named Annie                            
Remarked as Dan pinched her trim fanny,                     
"I've been thinking all day,                                
What a day for a lay,                                       
So your timing is nigh to uncanny!"                         
                                                            
56187 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Grand Prix Lim  410      



There was a young stud from Montana                         
Met a fellow inside a cabana.                               
To set him at ease,                                         
He said, "If you please,                                    
I'd be glad, sir, to peel your banana."                     
                                                            
56188 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A candy store owner named Lutz,                             
Had hired a young fellow named Butts.                       
A woman named Mandy,                                        
Said, "Show me your candy,                                  
And then I will look at your nuts."                         
                                                            
56189 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Bob Birch           P0302



"Watch the hen run away from the cock,"                     
Averred Joe, "Does it give you a shock?"                    
Simpered Nan to her man,                                    
"It's a hellish fine plan...                                
I wish you'd chase ME 'round the block!"                    
                                                            
56190 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Grand Prix Lim  481      



Brand new and how do you do, then.                          
Join in and have fun with you, then.                        
Dicks not all that long;                                    
I don't wear a thong;                                       
Am I not too kinky to chew, then?                           
                                                            
56191 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Dear Jon Jon the (pipe fitters' son),                       
Come clean out my pipes, will ya, Hon?                      
I'll turn on the spigot,                                    
Of your sticky wicket,                                      
And make all your love juices run.                          
                                                            
56192 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



A promiscuous damsel named Carmen,                          
When drinking, made eyes at the barmen,                     
And the busboys and waiters,                                
At the special blue-platers,                                
At (in short) all the near and the far men.                 
                                                            
56193 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Isaac Asimov             



It's simply a wonderful thing                               
When a girl sashays by with a swing.                        
And it's better if she                                      
Comes right up to me,                                       
And hints at a fanciful fling.                              
                                                            
56194 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Norm Storer         P9912



From morn till sun sets in the west,                        
Would someone like to fondle my chest,                      
Make flooded my undie,                                      
And swollen my kitty,                                       
Endless screwing would no doubt be best!                    
                                                            
56195 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



His date all aflame with desire,                            
Told the fireman what she'd require:                        
At the firemen's ball,                                      
Her ashes he'd haul,                                        
And a hose, please, that reaches the fire.                  
                                                            
56196 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Irish                    



"There's more than one way to get mink,                     
And if, for one moment, you think                           
You'd give one away                                         
In exchange for a lay,                                      
I'll whip off my pants in a wink!"                          
                                                            
56197 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Grand Prix Lim  770      



Oh where is my favorite farm boy?                           
That sweet one, my own little toy?                          
If you've a minute free,                                    
You can download from me,                                   
I've one file I think you'd enjoy.                          
                                                            
56198 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



A much older woman named Peggy                              
Had a great set of tits and was leggy.                      
She loved younger guys;                                     
She would look in their eyes,                               
And say, "To screw me you must beg me!"                     
                                                            
56199 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Richard Long             



Two spinsters, Marie and Jean Crocus,                       
Decided to use hocus pocus                                  
To kindle the lust                                          
Of photographer Just-                                       
In: "Please, Holy Lord, let him focus!"                     
                                                            
56200 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Tiddy Ogg                



There's more to this life, sure enough,                     
Than merely libidinous stuff;                               
There's beer and Bordeaux                                   
And - er - "Katie!  Hello!                                  
Yes, I'd sure like a peek at your muff!"                    
                                                            
56201 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Why, dammit; that Katie's a tease;                          
She promised that if I said "Please",                       
She'd lift up her dress                                     
And allow me to mess                                        
With - "Just these," she said, baring her knees.            
                                                            
56202 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Now knees don't quite do it for me,                         
'Less the target above I can see.                           
And the aim of the fumble                                   
Is maybe a tumble,                                          
Well leastwise, eventually.                                 
                                                            
56203 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



But nevertheless as I brooded                               
On thoughts of her muff, I concluded                        
That knees were a start                                     
And with luck I might part                                  
'Em and find her sweet pussy denuded.                       
                                                            
56204 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



So thinking such thoughts I caressed                        
Them, in hopes she'd get further undressed;                 
But in minutes or so                                        
She said, "Sorry.  Must go,"                                
Leaving percy a trifle distressed.                          
                                                            
56205 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



I was one of the happy few                                  
Who stood at the end of the queue.                          
Then guess what? Said Anna:                                 
"I love your banana.                                        
Let's go upstairs and have a nice screw".                   
                                                            
56206 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Its almost a daily encounter;                               
A fat woman asks me to mount her.                           
I tell her, "I can't,                                       
But go see Melvin Fant;                                     
A cheap taxidermist discounter.                             
                                                            
56207 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Travis Brasell           



A lady infused with persistence,                            
Encountered from men much resistance.                       
Though she raised up her dress                              
To invite a caress,                                         
Not a finger was raised in assistance.                      
                                                            
56208 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Albin Chaplin   3024-1377



There was a young man of Connecticut                        
Who tore off a young woman's petticoat.                     
Said she, with a grin,                                      
"You will have to get in,                                   
For to do nothing more isn't etiquette."                    
                                                            
56209 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Isaac Asimov             



A young fellow, divinely endowed,                           
Once said, very haughty and proud,                          
When a girl much too free,                                  
Placed her hand on his knee,                                
"That isn't my knee, Miss McCloud."                         
                                                            
56210 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Isaac Asimov             



An over-sexed young Sandy Hooker                            
Says life has up and forsook 'er...                         
At an orgy affair,                                          
She propositions all there,                                 
And not a damn fellow there took 'er...                     
                                                            
56211 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Grand Prix Lim  356      



Large women, desperate, yell "Glean us!                     
If you've anything close to a penis."                       
Alas, some men come                                         
With broom, bottle, or thumb,                               
So these females aren't always the cleanest.                
                                                            
56212 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young girl from France                     
Who liked to pull down young men's pants.                   
She stripped and she teased them;                           
She knew how to please them,                                
And 'not' with a song and a dance.                          
                                                            
56213 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Jim Weaver Collection    



A young lass on a yacht in Glandore,                        
So tired she could do it no more.                           
"But I'm willing to try,                                    
So where shall I lie?                                       
On the deck, on the sail, or the floor?"                    
                                                            
56214 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Linda Marsh Coll         



In need of some new satisfaction?                           
Looking for hot, horny action?                              
Just come, drop on by,                                      
With an open fly;                                           
One peek, and your meat you'll be scratchin'.               
                                                            
56215 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



There was a young lady of Mass,                             
Rather lacking, we all thought, in class.                   
She would stroll Boston Common,                             
And whenever she saw men,                                   
She'd whimper, "Please, sir, make a pass."                  
                                                            
56216 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          John Ciardi              



Said a certain young girl named Suzanne,                    
"Now John, here's a marvelous plan.                         
I'll pretend that I'll flee                                 
But you catch me, you see,                                  
Then you'll screw me as much as you can."                   
                                                            
56217 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Isaac Asimov             



Said a forward young patient from Madoc,                    
To her G.P. "You've got quite a way, doc.                   
And if able you are                                         
Then I might go so far                                      
As to say, doc, you may, doc, me lay, doc."                 
                                                            
56218 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Hugh Oliver           54b



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who liked to slip out of her clothes                        
When men came to call.                                      
"You are welcome to all,"                                   
She would say, striking pose after pose.                    
                                                            
56219 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          John Ciardi              



Poor Roger the Lodger was sick                              
With the measles. His landlady Nic-                         
Ola showed him her snatch                                   
And said, "If you must scratch,                             
Practice here, will you, not on your prick."                
                                                            
56220 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Close to 'long arse 'long coconus tree,                     
One fellow mary come up 'long me,                           
Si' down 'long grass,                                       
Igot big fellow arse,                                       
Italk ilike push-push 'long me.                             
(Melanesian Pidgin English)                                 
56221 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                              L0519



Young Perkin from Hurricane was jerkin'                     
His gherkin over pics of Jane Birkin.                       
His girlfriend said "Perkin,                                
Quit workin' your gherkin;                                  
For Birkin, come here, put your dirk in."                   
                                                            
56222 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



A "doll" owns the house where I play,                       
And said this, just the other day,                          
"That big thing of yours                                    
Will break all my doors,                                    
So put it right here. That's the way!"                      
                                                            
56223 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



There was a young widow named Gormley,                      
Who approached a young man quite inform'ly,                 
And asked to be screwed.                                    
"Please do not think me rude,"                              
She explained, "I do not do this norm'ly."                  
                                                            
56224 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          John Ciardi              



On the sofa, with you, my li'l muffin,                      
We've smootched 'til we're huffin' and puffin';             
C'mon, drop your britches;                                  
I know where it itches;                                     
Let's sooth it with sweet scruffy lovin'.                   
                                                            
56225 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



So sad that you've no one to play                           
Adult games all night and all day.                          
Invite me on over                                           
For a roll in the clover,                                   
And we'll both peak out 'long the way.                      
                                                            
56226 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



A lassie from Taunton (quite bumpy                          
In all the right places) said scrumpy                       
Had just the right zing                                     
To put spring in my thing,                                  
And she offered me rumpy and pumpy.                         
                                                            
56227 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Peter Wilkins            



I tried it. By god, she was right!                          
She was squealing in utter delight,                         
As she sat on my thing                                      
And proceeded to bring                                      
Us to heaven that Saturday night.                           
                                                            
56228 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Peter Wilkins            



My boss is an amazon girlie                                 
With red hair, tight and all curly.                         
I jump at her shout                                         
And get my penis out;                                       
Talk about knocking off early!                              
                                                            
56229 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Steve Hocking            



Consequences heavily do weigh                               
Upon my mind here today --                                  
Perhaps I should ask                                        
"You UP to the task?"                                       
Please, sir, will you share my duvet?                       
                                                            
56230 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



By his sheep the old farmer did stand,                      
And he held his erection so grand.                          
Said the milkmaid discreet                                  
With her pants at her feet,                                 
"I can beat what you hold in your hand."                    
                                                            
56231 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Albin Chaplin            



There was an Old Man of the Dee,                            
Who was sadly annoyed by a she:                             
When she said, "May I love it?"                             
He replied, "You can shove it,                              
If only you'll sit on my knee."                             
                                                            
56232 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Edwardian Leer 069       



There once was a young man named Lance,                     
At his dictionary he never would glance.                    
Said a smart little lass,                                   
With a great little ass,                                    
"Spell 'lingerie' to get into my pants."                    
                                                            
56233 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Laura S Baxter           



I met a jung frau from Geneva,                              
And asked her if she would relieve a                        
Stiff throb to my gland.                                    
She said, "Not by hand;                                     
You'd best stick that thing in my beava."                   
                                                            
56234 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Tiddy                    



There once was a maiden disactical,                         
In appearance -- well, somewhat stalactical,                
Who said to her steady,                                     
"I'm willing and ready" --                                  
I leave it to you, was it tactical?                         
                                                            
56235 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Princeton Tiger     P0007



Her name, so she said, was Clarisse;                        
Her mound was a soft golden fleece.                         
As she lay there in bed,                                    
It was then that she said,                                  
"Would you boys like to tear off a piece?"                  
                                                            
56236 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Al Willis           P9708



A compromise. You keep young Willie                         
And I'll keep Veronica chilly.                              
For occasional fun days                                     
But maybe on Sundays,                                       
You might like to tickle me silly.                          
                                                            
56237 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



A sex-crazed young housewife in Dunsmier,                   
To her neighbor said: "Please, do comier."                  
It's time we did grapple,                                   
Put down that red apple;                                    
Love, I have something much yummier!"                       
                                                            
56238 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Two ladies, named Vickie and Nance,                         
Discovered the Pentatette by chance.                        
So they offered Van Fleet                                   
A subscription complete                                     
As a way to get into his pants.                             
                                                            
56239 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          John Van Fleet      P9306



Down on your knees sinning curs!                            
You're here 'til the Big Pussy purrs!                       
And heaven forbid                                           
You displease me, Tid,                                      
Or out come the TEETH and the SPURS!                        
                                                            
56240 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



Cogito, Ego and Sum                                         
Got Rene and his gal a fine room.                           
When he sat down to think,                                  
She played with his dink,                                   
And invited him up to her womb.                             
                                                            
56241 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          TuttaGioia               



Now do you think I am a slut?                               
What is it with all of this smut?                           
To get in my pants,                                         
Try using romance,                                          
Or I'll kick your nasty old butt!                           
                                                            
56242 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Carol                    



Widow (conscious that time's on the wing)                   
Fortyish, but still game for a fling,                       
Seeks fun-loving male,                                      
Mature, but not stale,                                      
With a view to the usual thing.                             
                                                            
56243 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Stanley Sharpless        



"Halt!", cried Virginia, "Enough!                           
It's not that your beard is too rough.                      
Indeed, it's benign                                         
So close up to mine,                                        
But why not attempt the real stuff!"                        
                                                            
56244 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Otto Watteau             



Frustrated Sultana Faroukh                                  
Said to Ali the Eunuch, "Now loukh,                         
While the Sultan's away                                     
And can't foukh me today,                                   
I demand that you give me a soukh."                         
                                                            
56245 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



A fat lazy fellow named Betts,                              
Upon his fat ass mostly sets.                               
Along comes a gal                                           
And says, "I'll fuck you, pal."                             
Says he, "If you'll do the work, let's."                    
                                                            
56246 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                              L1376



In the pub with this old wife of Bath,                      
She sat down and doing the math,                            
She lifted her skirt.                                       
Said, "Don't think me a flirt,                              
But it's a terribly well-trodden path."                     
                                                            
56247 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Bill Wall                



At chit-chat last week with the duchess,                    
She remarked, "My dear boy, in as much as                   
His Grace is away,                                          
And it's raining today,                                     
What say we cut up a few touches?"                          
                                                            
56248 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          John Ciardi              



"When I douse the light," said Miss Dare,                   
"Get busy and strip yourself bare                           
And hop into bed."                                          
"What," asked innocent Ted,                                 
"The Hell will we do when we're there?"                     
                                                            
56249 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Grand Prix Lim  181      



Big Sally hid out in a thicket.                             
She's lying in wait for Paul Pickett.                       
Her face like a raisin;                                     
Her manner quite brazen;                                    
She told Paul just where he should stick it.                
                                                            
56250 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Marlene Lewis            



There was a young woman named Babby                         
Who would always get nasty and crabby,                      
If her man said, "Can't do,"                                
When she asked for a screw,                                 
And that could be your chance -- quien sabe?                
                                                            
56251 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Isaac Asimov             



There was a young woman called Pearl,                       
Who quite resembled a churl.                                
When she asked a young man named Tex                        
Whether he would like to have sex,                          
"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"                    
                                                            
56252 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                                   



When Southern Belles show us their stuff,                   
And as if we want to play rough,                            
Us Dixie guys say                                           
Without a delay,                                            
"Yee-haw!" or "Yes Ma'am" or "Sho 'Nuff!"                   
                                                            
56253 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE          Travis Brasell           



A man who was out with his Liz,                             
Said, "Baby, let's get down to biz."                        
Said she, "That cain't be,                                  
Less you'se stronger'n me,                                  
But, honey, I reckon you is."                               
                                                            
56254 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE                              L0875



Pierre please light my fire with play;                      
I'd love to be kindled today.                               
I'm not really neurotic,                                    
But please get erotic,                                      
'Cause I'm not in a good mood today.                        
                                                            
56255 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Dear Kitten, why a bad mood?                                
Here let me get you some food;                              
A late breakfast in bed.                                    
Just relax, rest your head;                                 
Let's see if we can make you feel good.                     
                                                            
56256 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Perhaps a massage is in order,                              
So as soon as you're ready roll over.                       
If too hard I press,                                        
Just tell me, "Less!"                                       
I will start with your neck and sholders.                   
                                                            
56257 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Kitten, you're all tied in knots!                           
Massages, you will need lots.                               
When I'm finished today,                                    
I want you to stay                                          
Here in bed, while I wash dishes and pots.                  
                                                            
56258 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



I've started a hot bath for you,                            
To get in as soon as I'm through.                           
I'll bring cold water, and tea                              
To the bath, just for thee.                                 
There's nothing that I will not do                          
                                                            
56259 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



In you go, now I'll do the dishes                           
And see to each of your wishes                              
Just call if you need                                       
Anything indeed,                                            
For dinner, I'll make something delicious...                
                                                            
56260 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



"Ah Jeeves," quoth that ass Bertie Wooster,                 
"Dear Jane don't come round like she used ter."             
"Sir, if you recall,                                        
She was not pleased at all,                                 
At your party - she said you abused 'er."                   
                                                            
56261 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



"Abused her?  No, Jeeves.  Though  I goosed 'er,            
Abuse I cannot be accused o'.                               
'Twas she abused me,                                        
Claimed me queer as can be,                                 
'Cause her offer of sex, I refused 'er."                    
                                                            
56262 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



If I give your phallus a push,                              
By using pink dye on my bush,                               
Would you then allow                                        
Me to tease your plow,                                      
With my tender, pink little tush?                           
                                                            
56263 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Your offer has forced a rethink,                            
And done made me spill all my drink.                        
Just come sit on my knee                                    
And I'm sure you'll agree,                                  
That my phallus feels lovely in pink.                       
                                                            
56264 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



I stared at him with a lewd leer,                           
Said "Hey, baby, come over here!                            
Your muscles are nice.                                      
I'm ready for vice!"                                        
He passed out and fell on his rear.                         
                                                            
56265 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



I took pity on the poor guy                                 
And got him right inside to my                              
Most comfortable bed.                                       
But he woke and fled,                                       
While claiming he was awfully shy.                          
                                                            
56266 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



I'll be back down your way before long,                     
To give a few licks to your dong.                           
If you will provide                                         
A nice bare back ride,                                      
While singing an old cowboy song.                           
                                                            
56267 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Ol' Renegade always rides bare,                             
Not one stitch of tack does he wear;                        
In order to ride him,                                       
You must stay astride him,                                  
By locking your legs...if you dare!                         
                                                            
56268 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Down in this canyon so low,                                 
The hard things of life don't come slow;                    
It rises to gush                                            
White rapids that rush;                                     
My danged old head throbs from the flow!"                   
                                                            
56269 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Ol' Renegade?  He is a ripper,                              
A bucker, a twister, and dipper;                            
A stud, a big stallion,                                     
A feisty rapscallion                                        
Corralled behind my bulging zipper.                         
                                                            
56270 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



Care for some practice with me?                             
I'm horny as hell now, you see.                             
Your flute I will play,                                     
By night and by day.                                        
What are we making? Whoopee!                                
                                                            
56271 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES Arden                    



My ex did not handle it well;                               
He'd soften and fall; it was hell.                          
So I seek sheer perfection;                                 
Fucking all whose erection                                  
Seeks home in my wide open well.                            
                                                            
56272 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES Sister Pooh              



The girlies are called meter maids,                         
I knew one, called Julie Kincaid.                           
She gave you the choice,                                    
In her gruff manly voice:                                   
"I either get paid or get laid."                            
                                                            
56273 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



She looked like the back of a horse,                        
So everyone paid up of course,                              
Get sucked 'neath her dress,                                
You'd best tap SOS                                          
With your feet on the hooter in morse.                      
                                                            
56274 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



A horny young man from Des Moines                           
Felt a fire light up in his loin,                           
When a darling named Carol                                  
Ripped off her apparel,                                     
And leaped naked unto his groin!!                           
                                                            
56275 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



That horny young man from Des Moines?                       
He's got a pain in his groin                                
Carol fucked him for hours                                  
And they came in showers.                                   
I wonder if he'll ever loin.                                
                                                            
56276 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



How to keep her from wearing him out                        
Or if they'll continue to bout,                             
And have long sex fests                                     
That she loves the best,                                    
And if pains will cause him to pout.                        
                                                            
56277 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



But I think that the soreness subsides                      
Each time as into her he slides.                            
She's got his medicine                                      
As his come jettisons,                                      
Massaging it in as she rides!                               
                                                            
56278 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



I'm feeling quite randy tonight --                          
I'm craving some carnal delight!                            
My muff is all primed                                       
With incendiary slime...                                    
Would somebody give me a light?                             
                                                            
56279 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES ROE                      



Not a light, but I do have a torch                          
That will only heat up and not scorch.                      
Quite soon your hot slime                                   
Will make you feel sublime;                                 
Be discreet and use the back porch.                         
                                                            
56280 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES S C Saint                



That sounds like a hot toxic muff,                          
With that incendiary stuff.                                 
Be careful tonight.                                         
Best use a flashlight,                                      
Else you might explode in a puff.                           
                                                            
56281 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES Frank Fazed              



Did I hear someone mention back porch?                      
I'll attend with my gun to debauch.                         
Advice poppa gave:                                          
"When you enter bear's cave,                                
Don't forget to take both gun and torch."                   
                                                            
56282 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES Jack                     



A stunt I would humbly propose:                             
I'll poke it clear up to your nose.                         
I'll snuff out your muff                                    
With hot-lava stuff,                                        
And burn out your brain with the floes.                     
                                                            
56283 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES H WHELCHEL               



I lie here now in panting glee;                             
I took your advice precisely, you see.                      
Now my sinus is clear                                       
And the glow in my ear                                      
Is what's left of my hot lava spree!                        
                                                            
56284 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES ROE                      



I'll lick you ear gently, dear ROE,                         
And taste of your lava some mo.                             
Pa-ho-e-ho-e                                                
Flows into the sea,                                         
Cuddling its warm after-glow.                               
                                                            
56285 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES H WHELCHEL               



While checking you out -- taking stock --                   
I see that you're hard as a rock.                           
Let's have some bed sport                                   
Just pull into port.                                        
Put your rocket into my space dock.                         
                                                            
56286 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



So she's offering you her hot crotch                        
And her beaver she wants you to touch.                      
I speak for us all,                                         
Lad's both short and tall,                                  
When I say "Can we all just please watch?"                  
                                                            
56287 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



You may watch your manners, I'd say                         
Or with that weird gal, you may play.                       
I ain't got a rocket                                        
All I've got's a socket                                     
And my barn door don't swing her way.                       
                                                            
56288 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



"Whistle, and you'll get a cow."                            
"But mother, I just don't know how."                        
She puffed and she blew,                                    
But no note came through,                                   
Not even a noise like a sow.                                
                                                            
56289 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



"Whistle, and you'll have a man.                            
That handsome young farmer called Dan."                     
With lips pursed, brows knitted,                            
Sweet sounds she emitted.                                   
"Oh mother, just listen; I can!"                            
                                                            
56290 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



"Whistle, and you'll have a sheep."                         
"But mother, I can't make a cheep.                          
I do try my best                                            
At this terrible test,                                      
But oh, I must fail and just weep."                         
                                                            
56291 PROPOSITIONS - FEMALE - SERIES                          



From the Equinox to Summer Solstice,                        
A short time to enjoy this.                                 
I propose a new season                                      
That caters to reason:                                      
All year-long to screw and to kiss.                         
                                                            
56292 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          S C Saint                



When in France I cannot parlez vous;                        
Don't really understand, entre nous.                        
So when asking a miss                                       
For much more than a kiss,                                  
I get "Avec moi?  Coucher?  Voulez vous."                   
                                                            
56293 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Richard Robertson   P0212



There was a young man named Francois                        
With a very active boudoir.                                 
He did many a wench                                         
Using five words of French:                                 
"Volle vous coucher avec moi?"                              
                                                            
56294 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Chairman Steve           



I'm taking this working day off                             
Because of a cold and a cough.                              
But now I've stopped sniffing;                              
I'm feeling quite spiffing;                                 
Would anyone care for a boff?                               
                                                            
56295 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Peter Wilkins            



This works with the fair of our species,                    
Mainly those gorgeous blonde wee shes.                      
"I'm trying to Major                                        
In Female pleasure;                                         
Would you care to be my new thesis?"                        
                                                            
56296 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Gunjan Saraf             



If Dolly would give me assent,                              
She would please me to my heart's content.                  
If she'd take off her clothes                               
And reveal the twin does,                                   
I'd gladly make that big ascent.                            
                                                            
56297 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Each day when she went to the hollow,                       
The lady bird watcher I'd follow;                           
And once, though I'm shy,                                   
I asked her reply,                                          
"Now this, would you take for a swallow?"                   
                                                            
56298 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



I once knew a fellow, a Kosovar,                            
Who worked as a lowly police officer.                       
I asked what to do                                          
With young Mary Lou.                                        
He told me, "You really should boff 'er, Sir."              
                                                            
56299 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Tiddy                    



My ranch here has horses and cattle;                        
I know how the livestock will straddle                      
Each other in heat,                                         
And hang out their meat:                                    
Would Erm like to borrow a saddle?                          
                                                            
56300 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



I bedded a young virgin bird,                               
But said she, "Please give me your word                     
You won't steal my hymen                                    
Or squirt any slime in."                                    
I said, "May I burgle a turd?"                              
                                                            
56301 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



"Those are very tight trousers, Miss Pink.                  
Must be hard to get in them, I think."                      
"It's real easy, you know,                                  
And to be a good Joe,                                       
It is best that you buy me a drink."                        
                                                            
56302 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin            



A m'sieur from the Bois de Boulogne                         
Put on some fresh eau de cologne,                           
Then asked a jeune fille                                    
Just what was her fee,                                      
If he were by Mimi to be blowgne.                           
                                                            
56303 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



You sound like you're my kind of gal;                       
As busy as Erie Canal.                                      
What's more, you're a deal                                  
(Can't resist a free meal).                                 
May I come graze your high chaparral?                       
                                                            
56304 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



A thoughtful young fellow named Brown                       
Spread sawdust on Main Street in town.                      
To his girl he said, "Dear,                                 
You have nothing to fear;                                   
We'll have fun when the chips are all down."                
                                                            
56305 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2477



Oh, my Sweet Thing, just where have you fled?               
Come on back, love, there's nothing to dread;               
We'll exchange body heat;                                   
And I'll stroke you so sweet;                               
In the dark, love, your eyes will glow red!                 
                                                            
56306 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



A voluptuous miss of La Jolla                               
Once complained to her lad, "I adore 'ya,                   
Yet you never drop in."                                     
He replied with a grin,                                     
"Come around to my place and I'll show 'ya."                
                                                            
56307 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Keith MacMillan     A020C



I've got my mind set to go dancing                          
And dining followed by romancing.                           
And I'm asking now                                          
If my favorite gal                                          
Wants to join me or skip to depantsing.                     
                                                            
56308 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



I'm sorry to say on this line                               
My only number's sixty nine.                                
But if some sweet pea                                       
Cares to do it with me,                                     
Then all I can say is, "That's fine!"                       
                                                            
56309 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



Said Pete's teacher, "You act like a fool                   
To sit there manhandling your tool...                       
As my favorite student                                      
Would it be imprudent                                       
To substitute me after school?"                             
                                                            
56310 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Grand Prix Lim  698      



I watched you undress today                                 
And I knew for a fact I'm not gay.                          
But I said "What the hell!"                                 
And if you don't tell,                                      
I promise to do what you say!                               
                                                            
56311 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



I don't mean to be so derogative                            
When it is your rightful prerogative                        
To pose your curiosity                                      
With eloquent velocity;                                     
It's an easily answered interogative!                       
                                                            
56312 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



Get your Oomph settled back in that bed!                    
And I'll prove to you romance ain't dead!                   
Your bod I'll seduce                                        
Every which way but loose,                                  
'Til you don't know your tail from your head!               
                                                            
56313 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



Said Joe of a woman named Alison,                           
"That's a lady with whom I would dally, son.                
For her body, you see,                                      
Is indubitably                                              
Where I'd like to deposit my phallus on."                   
                                                            
56314 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady of Leek                              
Who had fifty proposals a week.                             
Though she never grew tired                                 
Of being admired,                                           
She was often too sleepy to speak.                          
                                                            
56315 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Randall Davies      P0001



It's time for a cabaret, girls;                             
Get your kit off and show us your curls.                    
Come and sit on our knees;                                  
Give us guys a real squeeze;                                
And you'll find what you're wanting, unfurls.               
                                                            
56316 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



If you think I'm "lewd" --  stick around,                   
And plant your feet firm on the ground;                     
'Cause honey, what's coming                                 
Will have your ears humming,                                
With stuff that will heat up your mound!                    
                                                            
56317 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



Sometimes, in your soup, there's a fly,                     
And everything seems all awry.                              
But give me a chance --                                     
Your pants'll soon dance,                                   
And the twinkle return to your eye.                         
                                                            
56318 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



A fantasy of carnal bliss --                                
A whole year to screw and to kiss!                          
Instead of just Spring,                                     
A year-long fling,                                          
The ideas's too perfect to miss!                            
                                                            
56319 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Kaylin Brandon           



My dear Mr Mortimer Law,                                    
I respect your "pure passion" for moi                       
I honor your chart                                          
Of the state of your heart"                                 
But why is your hand in my bra?                             
                                                            
56320 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Arthur Deex         P0304



My dear Mr Mortimer Lee,                                    
I respect your "pure passion" for me.                       
I honor your chart                                          
Of the state of your heart;                                 
But why is your hand on my knee?                            
                                                            
56321 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Laurence Perrine    P0304



My dear Mr Mortimer Lie,                                    
I respect your "pure passion," for I                        
Surely honor your chart                                     
Of the state of your heart,                                 
But why is your hand on my thigh?                           
                                                            
56322 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Arthur Deex         P0304



Andrea's got all the stuff,                                 
So candidly, I called her bluff.                            
But she wasn't bluffing,                                    
And soon I was stuffing                                     
And huffing and buffing her muff.                           
                                                            
56323 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          H Whelchel               



Said a very attractive young Haitian,                       
"Please begin with a gentle palpation.                      
If you do as I say,                                         
In the way of sex play,                                     
Why, who knows, there may be fornication."                  
                                                            
56324 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Isaac Asimov             



A busy old milkman named Haines                             
Delivered to old spinster Baynes.                           
She asked, "Have you the time?"                             
He said, "Yes, but it's prime,                              
So you'll have to hold on to the reins."                    
                                                            
56325 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin   3024-0186



Joyeux Anniversaire ma cherie;                              
Come and sit on my knee aujourd 'hui.                       
You're a spirited wench;                                    
Let me teach you some french;                               
C'est le langue pour l'amour, you'll agree.                 
                                                            
56326 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



We mix spice with sugar each night;                         
It's become my one true delight.                            
So bare that spice box                                      
And prepare for some stalks                                 
From my sugar cane, in you so right!                        
                                                            
56327 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



You should be as light as a feather,                        
Breaking free from the tie of the tether,                   
And journey with me                                         
To bountiful glee,                                          
As we're joined by our passion together.                    
                                                            
56328 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



A mechanic who hailed from Peoria,                          
To his girl said, "I fondly adoria.                         
Could you lower your pants,                                 
'Cause I'd relish the chance                                
Just to measure the depth and the boria."                   
                                                            
56329 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Keith MacMillan     A045B



A British subaltern named Coyne,                            
Hurrahed! and laid claim to her loin.                       
Quoth he: "I shall scutch ya                                
Ways the Kama Sutra                                         
Never dreamed that two lovers could join."                  
                                                            
56330 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



It's boring to brag, yet I will.                            
My tool has the greatest of skill!                          
Right now it's turned on,                                   
So why not lay prone,                                       
And I'll ream your hole with my drill.                      
                                                            
56331 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



It was silly of Milly to leave                              
Just because of a question by Steve.                        
All he said was, "I say                                     
By the way, do you lay?                                     
If you do, let's play Adam and Eve."                        
                                                            
56332 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Grand Prix Lim  894      



Said an infamous lecher named Tex                           
As he first spied a cute little Mex:                        
"I suspect a low I.Q.                                       
But I hope this will strike you:                            
I can offer a lifetime of sex."                             
                                                            
56333 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Armand E Singer       154



He rode the state of Virginia,                              
Which is very far from Gdinya.                              
He picked up a girl                                         
Who he took for a whirl,                                    
And when done, said "I'd like to get in ya."                
                                                            
56334 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



The coed put on her best form                               
When serving champagne in the dorm.                         
She asked a lad, "Chuck,                                    
Would you like some Cold Duck?"                             
He said, "No, just some pussy that's warm."                 
                                                            
56335 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin   3024-2055



There was a young fellow named Bouch,                       
Who inveigled a girl to a couch.                            
He said, "Pretty young miss,                                
I will take you, I wiss,                                    
Horizontally, vertically, crouch."                          
(wiss - to know)                                            
56336 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                              L1643



I've just redone the garage                                 
In green shades of camouflage;                              
I've rigged up a head,                                      
And a king sized bed,                                       
And a table for your massage.                               
                                                            
56337 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



I thought that I felt a slight squeeze,                     
More than just one inch above my knees.                     
Archie, you're misbehavin'.                                 
Must be you're feeling brave 'n                             
Want something 'thout say'n "May I please?"                 
                                                            
56338 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



So how does a guy here get laid?                            
I'm not here for chicks who get paid.                       
I want it for free.                                         
And only for me.                                            
But maybe we'll work out a trade.                           
                                                            
56339 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



I guess that it's easy to see,                              
That you're just as horny as me.                            
Just hold on a bit                                          
And I'll soon be fit                                        
For business that some call monk-ey.                        
                                                            
56340 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



There once was a poor thief named Restal,                   
Who longed for young virgins, type Vestal.                  
If they're long in the leg,                                 
He'd be quite keen to beg                                   
For them to be mortar to his pestle.                        
                                                            
56341 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Anon                     



There's a small devil in me tonight;                        
I'm up, looking for a good fight.                           
Would you like to tussle                                    
With a little pink muscle?                                  
Come on be my first acolyte.                                
                                                            
56342 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



My doctor has cut out my fags;                              
(The ones that you smoke, you crude wags)                   
To hide the effects,                                        
I've taken up sex;                                          
So let's have some hot sweaty shags!                        
                                                            
56343 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Archie                   



If you've nothing but sex on your brain                     
And you're desperate to come yet again,                     
You can sit on my digit                                     
And wriggle and fidget;                                     
I doubt you'll have cause to complain.                      
                                                            
56344 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a Washington hostess named Moll,                       
To a subclerk she passed in the hall,                       
"Once his Excellency goes,                                  
I should like to propose,                                   
That we not stand on strict protocol."                      
                                                            
56345 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          John Ciardi              



He wanted, but did not want to nag her,                     
So he made his proposition with a swagger:                  
"In your sheath I'll place sword,"                          
But she answered, quite bored,                              
"That thing is not a sword. It's a dagger."                 
                                                            
56346 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Parker Waterman     P0111



Her talents are many and true,                              
But lately she's been feeling blue.                         
If she took me to bed                                       
She could feel me instead;                                  
That performance is long overdue.                           
                                                            
56347 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



A Frenchman by the name of Pierre                           
Asked an American girl for an affair;                       
She said, "'Twould be nice,                                 
But just once or twice,                                     
And as long as you don't muss my hair."                     
                                                            
56348 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Anon                     



I'll be there at eight -- do not doubt me.                  
If late, do not worry about me.                             
I'm leaving now, see,                                       
To beat GMT.                                                
One more thing -- don't start without me!                   
(GMT - Greenwich Mean Time)                                 
56349 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Petal                    



When a man placed his hand on her thigh,                    
The young lady remarked with a sigh,                        
"You cannot have my heart."                                 
Said the man, "We must part,                                
For I did not aspire that high."                            
                                                            
56350 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin   3024-0352



A grouchy young girl name of Gail                           
Wrote, "You know you are welcome to tail,                   
But you hot-trousered bum,                                  
You just wait till I come,                                  
For I can't ship that part through the mail."               
                                                            
56351 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Grand Prix Lim  205      



Said a guy to his girlfriend, "Virginia                     
For ages I've courted to win ya.                            
Now my point of frustration                                 
Has reached saturation --                                   
This evening I gotta get in ya!"                            
                                                            
56352 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Linda Marsh Coll    G1627



Before you check out, my dear Jillian,                      
Perhaps we could once get real silly an'                    
Have one last sweet roll                                    
In clover, dear soul.                                       
Tell me, may I put in my willian?                           
                                                            
56353 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Simon is incredibly fickle;                           
He asks all the girls for a tickle.                         
He asks once or twice,                                      
If they'd make him feel nice,                               
And tickle the end of his prickle.                          
                                                            
56354 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



A horny young fellow was Beatty;                            
He called up his girl and said, "Sweetie,                   
In place of this bickering                                  
I propose we start dickering;                               
I'll be over to sign a piece treaty."                       
                                                            
56355 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin   3024-0037



But my teasing is only in fun;                              
Can I call you my sweet honey-bun?                          
If you're keen, I can offer                                 
The best, if you proffer                                    
Your kittie with panties undone.                            
                                                            
56356 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



You women who sit on the fence,                             
Would not even know that you're tense.                      
Till one day some guy                                       
Who gives you the eye,                                      
Is the victim of dire consequence.                          
                                                            
56357 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



For energy some folks eat snackies,                         
While others take naps in their sackies;                    
To build up your strength,                                  
You should take my length:                                  
Rejuvenates swell now, by crackies!                         
                                                            
56358 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



There was an ex-Wave with a suite,                          
Overlooking the bay.  When the fleet                        
Steamed in from maneuvers,                                  
She blinked with her louvers,                               
"Standing by to be boarded. Repeat:                         
"Standing by to be boarded. Repeat:  etc., etc.             
56359 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          John Ciardi              



A simple young farmer of Bray                               
Met a lass in his hayfield one day.                         
Said he, "If you want,                                      
We could share a croissant,"                                
For he'd heard about rolls in the hay.                      
                                                            
56360 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



Is the treat that you will eat my meat?                     
And why aren't you able, My Sweet?                          
I'll show you mine burst,                                   
If you show me yours first;                                 
If you don't, I will just have to beat.                     
                                                            
56361 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



An amorous fellow named Pratt                               
Told a comely young wench of Sand Flat,                     
"After kissing and hugging,                                 
How about us two frugging?"                                 
She cried, "You can speak plainer than THAT!"               
                                                            
56362 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Grand Prix Lim  786      



At our last dance a young man named Schacht,                
Was admired by the girls for his tact.                      
When he wanted a lay,                                       
He would bow low and say,                                   
"May I have your next sexual act?"                          
                                                            
56363 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          John Ciardi              



Us Southern boys always hold dear                           
Our womenfolk, making it clear                              
To them when we say,                                        
"I love you!," the way                                      
A real woman's longing to hear!                             
                                                            
56364 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



My next-to-last visit to France,                            
By some crazy wild quirk of chance,                         
I met with Henri                                            
Who invited me                                              
To take part in the Tour de Pants.                          
                                                            
56365 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



Serving food at the Little Dry Dock,                        
I was asked by a girl, "Do you stock                        
Grouse, Pheasant, or Duck?"                                 
I replied, "No such luck,                                   
But you're welcome to try my Gamecock."                     
                                                            
56366 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Mad O'Rourke's Pub  P0204



To her boyfriend a lady named Hunt                          
Said, "Don't ask me to fuck, it's too blunt.'               
So he said to her, "Dear,                                   
I need screwing, I fear.                                    
Would you care for a prick up your cunt?"                   
                                                            
56367 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin   3024-0211



One lecherous leprechaun, Shawn,                            
Fucks colleens from dark until dawn;                        
With true Irish blarney                                     
This lad from Killarney                                     
Let's guile do his thing, lacking brawn.                    
                                                            
56368 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Armand E Singer       650



OK, I'm up, for goodness sake!                              
Stop yelling, you'll make my head ache.                     
Now my eyes are open,                                       
What is it you're hopin'                                    
To do now that I'm wide awake?                              
                                                            
56369 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



There once was a girl from La Paz                           
With tits much too big for her bra.                         
At the sight of her chest,                                  
Most guys will request,                                     
"Voule vou coucher avec moi?"                               
                                                            
56370 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Squeaky            TP9807



There was a fruitpicker named Mott,                         
Who said to his girl, "You know what?                       
Let's get in to some grapples,                              
And I'll sample your apples,                                
For if not, I believe they will rot."                       
                                                            
56371 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Albin Chaplin   3024-0271



I've marched against fighting before;                       
I hate to see waste blood and gore.                         
To you that adds fuel,                                      
But lets have a duel --                                     
We'll both win the sexual war.                              
                                                            
56372 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Archie                   



So come, girls; come join the affray,                       
For we know that you, too, like to play.                    
Tell us guys what you need                                  
And you'll get it ... indeed;                               
All your dreams could come true in a day.                   
                                                            
56373 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE                                   



Said an ovum one night to a sperm,                          
"You're a very attractive young germ.                       
Come join me, my sweet,                                     
Let our nuclei meet,                                        
And in nine months, we'll both come to term."               
                                                            
56374 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE          Isaac Asimov             



When I took the duchess to tea,                             
Boldly I put my hand on her knee.                           
She cried "Heavens above,"                                  
I said, "I know my love,                                    
But I must be at work by three."                            
                                                            
56375 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Frank E. Day        P9001



My medals and scars testify                                 
That I'm truly an athletic guy.                             
My personal best                                            
Is too good for the rest;                                   
Quit stalling and give me a try.                            
                                                            
56376 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



If you're bold, if you're hot, then I'm willing             
To stuff all the cooing and billing                         
And get to the juici-                                       
Est bits of you, Lucy,                                      
Before my spontaneous spilling.                             
                                                            
56377 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



The thought of your lips open wide,                         
Is gorging my manhood with pride.                           
So please say no more;                                      
I'm here at your door,                                      
And anxious to come right inside.                           
                                                            
56378 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



A massive erection I'm sportin',                            
So come here and hop on my horton.                          
Come on, do the twist                                       
So I won't hurt my wrist;                                   
Oh honey, my eyesight's distortin'.                         
                                                            
56379 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



I met a young rabbit one day;                               
I asked her if she'd like to play.                          
She wrinkled her nose,                                      
And jumped on my hose.                                      
Oh dear!  What will Hugh Hefner say?                        
                                                            
56380 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Tiddy                    



Last night Jack said to his girl,                           
"May I please take the first whirl?"                        
Jill sipped for a minute,                                   
But soon Jack was in it;                                    
Jill had a long leisurely twirl.                            
                                                            
56381 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Jim Weaver Collection    



So what if I'm old and disgusting;                          
Nostalgia's what keeps me still lusting.                    
My brash Jumbo Jim,                                         
Would seek your sweet quim,                                 
For a quick dip to keep it from rusting!                    
                                                            
56382 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



Oh yes, please talk dirty to me;                            
I imagine you on a spree.                                   
Give me a quick shot;                                       
I get extra hot.                                            
When you will give it to me free.                           
                                                            
56383 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



If you are ready to take a chance,                          
Come on then and widen that stance.                         
While you're feeling upstairs,                              
I'll take you unawares;                                     
Fondling your piece de resistance.                          
                                                            
56384 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Marlene                  



A man in the town Picayune                                  
Lay restlessly watching the moon.                           
As the cats came to life,                                   
He remarked to his wife,                                    
"I perceive they are playing our tune."                     
                                                            
56385 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Hugh Oliver         A070B



Right now, I must have your love!                           
I need it, when push comes to shove.                        
Just can't pace the floor,                                  
And my palm's too sore.                                     
The real thing I'd like a bit of.                           
                                                            
56386 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Chris Papa               



I haven't been riding in years -                            
I've forgotten my lessons, I fear.                          
May I saddle your horse,                                    
And go once 'round the course,                              
And do my rehearsing right here?                            
                                                            
56387 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Jim Weaver Collection    



Dear one, my darling delight,                               
How I've craved for your body tonight.                      
Now you're back in my arms;                                 
I'll succumb to your charms,                                
As I hold you against me so tight.                          
                                                            
56388 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



My feelings I cannot repress;                               
Now I'm stiff as a board; I confess                         
That I cannot wait long.                                    
Will you play with my dong                                  
As I rip off your panties and dress?                        
                                                            
56389 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



Come here and jump into my bed;                             
I've no time to be giving you head,                         
For I'm urgently throbbing;                                 
You're in for a knobbing;                                   
No foreplay; I'll screw you instead!                        
                                                            
56390 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



Oh God, love, I must have been dreaming;                    
I'd waited so long I was steaming;                          
My knob was on fire                                         
With a desperate desire.                                    
I was practically screaming and creaming.                   
                                                            
56391 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



Don't leave me for such a long time;                        
Till the walls in the bedroom I climb.                      
When my knob is pulsating,                                  
I can't be kept waiting;                                    
I need you, my lover sublime.                               
                                                            
56392 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



If you still want a knobbing, my dear,                      
Just be careful; don't fondle my spear.                     
For I need you so much,                                     
That you'd just have to touch                               
And I'd come in a second, I fear.                           
                                                            
56393 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



Just the thought of you's making me hum;                    
Oh my God, I'm about to succumb.                            
Now I'm closing my eyes,                                    
For the sight of your thighs                                
Is enough...Oh my god!...Now I've come...                   
                                                            
56394 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Peter Wilkins            



Oh beautiful maiden like orchid,                            
Then come up to bed as I bid.                               
I shan't and I don't,                                       
I can't and I won't,                                        
But she did, and she's now got a kid.                       
                                                            
56395 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Tiddy Ogg                



Once again, my head's in a pickle;                          
People can be oh so fickle.                                 
I said to this dame                                         
"Come on, play this game.                                   
We can start with a slap and a tickle."                     
                                                            
56396 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Aussie Owl               



My medical is paid up in full,                              
So come here you luscious armful.                           
We'll test the frailty                                      
Of your "Reality",                                          
And see if you're slinging the bull!                        
                                                            
56397 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Jim Weaver Collection    



A friendly young fellow named Nip,                          
Who delighting in choosing to strip,                        
Would pull off his clothes                                  
And say, "I propose                                         
This way to begin our friendship."                          
                                                            
56398 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Limericks Naughty & Gay  



With petulance, Emily Sue                                   
Complained she had nothing to do;                           
Her boyfriend then smiled:                                  
"Would you be beguiled                                      
By an everyday, ten-minute screw?"                          
                                                            
56399 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Norm Storer         P9912



There was a young man from Montrose,                        
Who said to a girl, "I propose                              
That since time is short,                                   
For affairs of this sort,                                   
We begin by removing our clothes."                          
                                                            
56400 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  John Ciardi              



What's that out my window I see?                            
Why, someone is visiting me!                                
Blond hair and green eyes --                                
What a lucious surprise!                                    
But who in the world can she be?                            
                                                            
56401 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



I guess I should put on some pants,                         
Or should I just take a chance,                             
And open the door                                           
To see for sure,                                            
If she's come here seeking romance?                         
                                                            
56402 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



I'll open the door just a crack.                            
Oh, damn! Now my pecker I've whacked,                       
With the knob of the door,                                  
Making my knob throb sore,                                  
And I've fallen right down on my back!                      
                                                            
56403 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



Please come in and help me, miss;                           
I'm sorry to meet you like this.                            
It's quite embarassing                                      
And I need some care-essing;                                
Right here, on my spear, you can kiss.                      
                                                            
56404 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



Oh, dear honey, thank God it's you!                         
Wasn't sure what I would now do.                            
If a stranger you'd been,                                   
What would happen then?                                     
If she'd fled, I'd surely be screwed!                       
                                                            
56405 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



I've fallen and need assistance;                            
To get me up will take persistence,                         
For I'm hurt quite a lot.                                   
If you'll show me your twot,                                
I'll get up without much resistance!                        
                                                            
56406 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK                           



A Scottish young midget named Ray                           
And an Amazon met one fine day.                             
He said, "Let's go to bed,                                  
You don't need to give head.                                
I just ask that you give me leeway."                        
                                                            
56407 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Tom Patton          P0202



A fast-acting trader named Klein                            
Found office romances just fine.                            
He'd tell the unwilling,                                    
"This could prove real thrilling,                           
In your office, or maybe mine?"                             
                                                            
56408 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - QUICK  Armand E Singer       421



I've reserved us a table for two                            
At that bistro 'Le Grand Coq & Tu',                         
Where the food and the wine                                 
Are just simply divine;                                     
Maybe later we'll have us a screw.                          
                                                            
56409 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



So hurry, get dressed in that short                         
Little skirt that you've specially bought                   
For occasions like these;                                   
Leave your panties off please;                              
After dinner we'll romp and cavort.                         
                                                            
56410 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



To all who wear panties and skirt,                          
Or a jockstrap, tuxedo and shirt,                           
Who have said to me, "No,                                   
We don't want you to go",                                   
Thank you kindly; didn't mean to be curt.                   
                                                            
56411 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



I fear that my brain slipped the clutch,                    
But I'd rather stay here and in touch;                      
And I hope upon hope,                                       
You don't mind I'm a dope,                                  
Because damn! I like limming too much.                      
                                                            
56412 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



I see there's been talk of my meat;                         
That I sit here and constantly beat                         
That maybe it's merely                                      
Four inches when really                                     
'Tain't anywhere near as petite.                            
                                                            
56413 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



So maybe I'll open my door                                  
For you ladies to check it once more.                       
Indescribable pleasure                                      
Is yours beyond measure;                                    
And that is a promise for sure.                             
                                                            
56414 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



In 'Bama we are high and dry;                               
You ought to come here, tell you why;                       
We'd lay on my deck,                                        
As naked as heck,                                           
And make all the neighbors just die!                        
                                                            
56415 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



At night on the cool river bank,                            
You'd want you sit on my long shank.                        
To slide up and down,                                       
Feel it throb on your mound;                                
You'd gasp at how deep my shank sank.                       
                                                            
56416 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



And like Mortimer, preaching advance,                       
I note, with my downward-cast glance                        
That, because of the spell                                  
You are weaving so well,                                    
I too, couch a quivering lance.                             
                                                            
56417 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



My dear, you are so big and strong;                         
Please correct me if I am wrong.                            
You want to have sex;                                       
Just show me your flex                                      
In that mirror, then bring it along.                        
                                                            
56418 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Bonnie                   



I see you have inviting lips                                
And lower, you have mighty hips.                            
But the best lovely bird                                    
Is found under your shirt;                                  
I like your firm tits and pert nips.                        
                                                            
56419 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Dirruk                   



You are right that I want to have sex                       
And my muscles I gladly will flex;                          
But I gave up my mirror                                     
To someone whose dearer --                                  
Your brother, my lover, young Rex!                          
                                                            
56420 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Brian                    



Oh, please don't tell me that it's true;                    
That rumor I heard about you.                               
You don't like woman-kind.                                  
Could I change your mind?                                   
And your interest in hetero renew?                          
                                                            
56421 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Bonnie                   



So sorry you're not well my dear,                           
Come over, lie next to me here.                             
Have yourself a good snort,                                 
To ease your discomfort,                                    
And then snuggle up to my rear.                             
                                                            
56422 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



To snuggle up tight to your rear                            
Would stiffen me pleasingly, dear.                          
So when I stop sneezing                                     
And sniffing and wheezing,                                  
I hope you'll start squeezing me here.                      
                                                            
56423 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



I winked as I told her: "Come hither!"                      
But noticed she started to dither.                          
Then sounding irate,                                        
Said, "On our first date?"                                  
Which caused my libido to wither.                           
                                                            
56424 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Cubmeister               



"It withered?" she grumbled and moaned,                     
"If you had coaxed, I'd have groaned,                       
Show me what you've got,                                    
'Cause I'm getting hot!                                     
How now am I going to get boned?"                           
                                                            
56425 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Marlene Lewis            



Love, at home we can let it hang out;                       
Lookee here, I can't bend down my spout!                    
Babe, your kisses inspire me;                               
I'm floored! You desire me;                                 
Won't ask questions, what brought this about?               
                                                            
56426 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Will you once again, love, be my queen?                     
Let your ladies-in-waiting convene!                         
We have joyfully mounted,                                   
For times we've not counted;                                
Still good as when we were sixteen!                         
                                                            
56427 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Oh come to the garden, dear Maud,                           
For long years your face I've adored.                       
Out there, midst the tulips,                                
I'll slip 'twixt your two lips,                             
My 'normously throbbing pork sword.                         
                                                            
56428 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



My innocence, Jasper, you mock;                             
Your phrases have caused me great shock.                    
Besides, where my finger                                    
Is touching your dinger,                                    
It seems to be just a half cock.                            
                                                            
56429 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Sir Jasper!  Such crude affectation,                        
Concerning my globes of lactation!                          
You, sir, are a brute; e-                                   
ven so, 'tis my duty                                        
To soothe, in some way, your reaction.                      
                                                            
56430 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



No sir, I don't mean that at all;                           
I'll give sister Beryl a call.                              
Her rottweiler face                                         
Will soon shrink your base;                                 
She's sex-starved; will give you a ball.                    
                                                            
56431 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Oh Maudie, that's really bad form,                          
To push me off when I'm so warm.                            
That Beryl's a whore,                                       
But I got to score,                                         
Or burst -- any port in a storm.                            
                                                            
56432 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Now he's off with Beryl the hideous,                        
I'll go get that fellow that Lydia's                        
Been trying to screw                                        
For an hour or two,                                         
That handsome stud Oggius Tiddius.                          
(Tiddy Ogg, denizen of Alt Jokes Limericks)                 
56433 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



It seems Maud's creator, Alf Tennyson,                      
(To whom this poor scribe must give benison,)               
Shocked the propriety                                       
Of Queen Vic's society.                                     
Of vice dens Lord Alf was a denizen.                        
                                                            
56434 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Oh Maudie, come into the garden,                            
That fignertip gives me a hard-on.                          
And then there's your cleavage,                             
That bosomly heavage!                                       
'Cause Honey, you're built like Doll Parton.                
                                                            
56435 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Prof M-G                 



The U.K. is wise, wet and rare;                             
Like Joy who lives way over there.                          
I stand on the beach,                                       
But my wand will not reach --                               
Perhaps I could send it by air.                             
                                                            
56436 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES H, King of Choad         



Now if she were my next-door neighbor,                      
I'd drop by and say hi and lay her.                         
Maybe just once                                             
Or a couple of stunts,                                      
Or who knows -- we might fall in favor?                     
                                                            
56437 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES H, King of Choad         



I'm sorry Travis but I have a conflict;                     
I already have a date with an elephant's dick.              
Plus I won't come from Wooster                              
To see your dumb rooster.                                   
What do you expect a smart girl to pick?                    
                                                            
56438 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



I saddened that Kristen dates Dumbo,                        
Who'll make of her honey-pot, gumbo;                        
But since you are smart,                                    
And lying's an art,                                         
Come check out my cock -- it's a jumbo!                     
                                                            
56439 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Since Kristen is probably deceased,                         
From an elephant's dick, the least,                         
I can do is see why,                                        
You told this huge lie,                                     
And check out your 17 inch beast.                           
                                                            
56440 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Oh lying's an art we know well,                             
Whether in a haystack or motel.                             
So I'll check the size,                                     
Of your manly prize,                                        
And the whole truth I promise to tell.                      
                                                            
56441 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



The pachyderm detective last night I did seek,              
He had indeed heard of Travis's meat.                       
He had pics of the lad,                                     
At a nude beach in Chad.                                    
Now we have no reason to meet.                              
                                                            
56442 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



If I was you Kristen, I'd fire,                             
That detective you had for hire.                            
'Cause honey that pic,                                      
Could not be Trav's dick,                                   
Last night he sang lead in Maude's choir.                   
                                                            
56443 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



I now shall tell you no fib;                                
You're welcome to visit my crib.                            
But sleep in a chair,                                       
A temptress so fair                                         
Deserves to sleep next to my rib.                           
                                                            
56444 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES H WHELCHEL               



My friend, you do make me laugh,                            
But what of your poor other half?                           
Will she not grumble                                        
If we should both fumble?                                   
Will you not incur her fierce wrath?                        
                                                            
56445 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Jayne                    



On meeting a lady (don't scoff)                             
My Panama hat I will doff.                                  
If she's not unsightly,                                     
I'll ask her politely,                                      
"Do you mind if I give you a boff?"                         
                                                            
56446 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Peter Wilkins            



Dear sir, you are so very kind.                             
Surely you jest; I don't mind                               
If you enter my quim,                                       
Wearing hat with a brim,                                    
And pumping away till you're blind.                         
                                                            
56447 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Arden                    



You say there's no lay for today?                           
A suggestion I'll make if I may:                            
My new sex-farm                                             
Needs a girl with your charm,                               
So let's have us a roll in the hay.                         
                                                            
56448 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



You must now cease and desist                               
Being such a conversationalist.                             
"Hello.  Good day.                                          
Want a roll in the hay?"                                    
How could a sane girl resist?                               
                                                            
56449 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Ericka                   



You want a good look down my shirt,                         
And another one stright up my skirt,                        
Then fingers and tongue                                     
'Til I'm all undone.                                        
You want to do much more than flirt.                        
                                                            
56450 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Bonnie                   



There's no need to act up so fiery;                         
It's just a scientific inquiry.                             
One must check out well                                     
To make sure the sell-                                      
By-date isn't near to expirey.                              
                                                            
56451 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



"Pray, put yourself at your ease,                           
These questions are not meant to tease.                     
They not posed to vex,                                      
The first simply..."Sex?"                                   
I replied, "Oh yes, certainly, please!"                     
                                                            
56452 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES TuttaGioia               



Will you come with me to the bower?                         
The treats that you have, I'll devour.                      
When I am all done,                                         
Will you have more fun,                                     
If I let you show your manpower?                            
                                                            
56453 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



You'll get more than that with these males;                 
'Til now they've been squirting in pails.                   
Please try, this won't hurt!                                
Just lower your skirt,                                      
And watch how it lowers their tails.                        
                                                            
56454 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES                          



Before I get started at work,                               
I though I would try out this perq                          
Of access to e-mail,                                        
To chat up my female,                                       
To see if she would like to ferk.                           
                                                            
56455 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Jon Gearhart             



Poor Carol is just too worn out.                            
Can barely get up and about.                                
And having a ferk                                           
Seems like way too much work;                               
When rested she'll give you a shout.                        
                                                            
56456 PROPOSITIONS - POLITE - SERIES Carol                    



A young rube on the farm, although thick,                   
Has the milkmaids, with lust, nearly sick.                  
His main source of allure,                                  
Was distinct and secure,                                    
As they vied for this big dairy hick.                       
                                                            
56457 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico         



In jazz trumpeter Beiderbecke's mix                         
Of gay fans, all were sweet on hot licks.                   
These blowers and tooters,                                  
And ardent skin fluters,                                    
Would just flock, by the scores, to dig Bix.                
                                                            
56458 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico    P0102



Sir Stan had a cozy high-rise.                              
On Friday a rain was surmised.                              
He raised the sash and                                      
He stuck out his hand --                                    
Ker-plop! An eye-ball from the skies.                       
                                                            
56459 PUNS - ANATOMY                 H WHELCHEL               



Looking up high whence it came,                             
He spied a sweet one-eyed young dame.                       
She said, "My dear man,                                     
Come up if you can,                                         
And join me for drinks and a game.                          
                                                            
56460 PUNS - ANATOMY                 H WHELCHEL               



Soon, with her orb reaffixed,                               
A strong margarita she mixed.                               
One thing let to --                                         
Another thing grew --                                       
And soon they had no clothes betwixt.                       
                                                            
56461 PUNS - ANATOMY                 H WHELCHEL               



He wondered aloud with a sigh,                              
Have others beheld this fine thigh?                         
She said, "No, my dear Stan,                                
Not just any man,                                           
Only those who catch my eye.                                
                                                            
56462 PUNS - ANATOMY                 H WHELCHEL               



When your toes fall asleep, I suppose,                      
That the blood circulation, it slows.                       
The digits aren't dead,                                     
So I call them, instead,                                    
By a term that is apt: comatose.                            
                                                            
56463 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Kirk Miller              



There's this cute woodsy lass name of Yoke,                 
Whom the millhands all wanted to poke.                      
As a lumberman's daughter,                                  
Those schlemiels shouldn't orter,                           
But her crotch, let's admit, sure was ok.                   
                                                            
56464 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Armand E Singer        12



The Nimrod who'll tenderly snare,                           
Prized pelts whether darkish or fair,                       
Cannot be too aloof,                                        
From this burden of proof:                                  
How winsome's a hunt without care.                          
                                                            
56465 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico         



A marathon hoofer, perchance,                               
May forestall any type of romance,                          
By choosing a party,                                        
Who's homely but hearty,                                    
And keeping his pick in his dance.                          
                                                            
56466 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico         



A full figured maid, to pass muster,                        
Was put in somewhat of a fluster.                           
Vacuum cleaning one day,                                    
Got her chest in the way,                                   
Of a painful and bruising bust duster.                      
                                                            
56467 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico         



With her oversize fanny, Miss Lou                           
Had a hard time locating a screw.                           
To get some lad to try it,                                  
She was told she must diet,                                 
So she painted it red, white and blue.                      
                                                            
56468 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Albin Chaplin            



Skinny girl, in this tale told way back;                    
As a chimney sweep had a strange knack;                     
She would squirm up and down,                               
Wearing just a light gown;                                  
As was writ' by Erasmus B Black.                            
                                                            
56469 PUNS - ANATOMY                                          



The nudists of Europe made news                             
When they met at Liege on the Meuse,                        
For journalists say                                         
That there was every day                                    
A remarkable exchange of views.                             
                                                            
56470 PUNS - ANATOMY                 A. N. Wilkins       P8312



He said he would pay off my bet.                            
The trick was that I'd have to get                          
A face just like his                                        
But, honey, that is,                                        
Quite frankly, a face worse than debt.                      
                                                            
56471 PUNS - ANATOMY                                          



It's one of those big cargo jets.                           
The cargo door opens, and lets                              
A load of false teeth                                       
Fall to Boston, beneath...                                  
They now call the state Mass-o'-chew-sets.                  
                                                            
56472 PUNS - ANATOMY                                          



That fan wouldn't move; it stayed straight.                 
It must have been made in Kuwait.                           
Please take the fan back,                                   
As the things out of whack;                                 
Alls the fans that I know, ovulate.                         
                                                            
56473 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Al Willis                



A humble knight's page passed the test                      
"How'd he do it?" wondered the rest.                        
The fingers ignored him;                                    
"But, why?" they implored him.                              
The fingers like pages the best!                            
                                                            
56474 PUNS - ANATOMY                                          



Poor wizened and withered Ms. Schmidt,                      
Had a mangy, striped cat she'd permit                       
Out at midnight to stray,                                   
To her neighbor's dismay,                                   
As they'd look at her old tabby flit.                       
                                                            
56475 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico    P9811



The latest word out on the street                           
Is that our seamen all over eat.                            
The admirals state,                                         
"It's like hauling freight;                                 
Our navy's known for its "fat fleet."                       
                                                            
56476 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Tom Patton               



On that warm summer day at Lake Placid,                     
I recall when my penis went flaccid.                        
An ant bit it, you see,                                     
And exuded on me                                            
Either Formic or was it Antacid.                            
                                                            
56477 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



A stubborn old butcher named Burke,                         
Who became quite annoyed at a clerk                         
And her constant reminders:                                 
"Don't sit on meat grinders,"                               
Got a little behind in his work.                            
                                                            
56478 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Cybergeezer              



'Twas his mistress whom mean-spirited Smart                 
Kept insulting almost from the start.                       
He would sneer, "You're a twat,                             
Which about comes to what                                   
We call naming the hole for the tart."                      
                                                            
56479 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Armand E Singer       166



A girl with her soul full of hope                           
Prepared with her beau to elope.                            
She climbed in the tub                                      
To get a good scrub,                                        
But came out with her hole full of soap.                    
                                                            
56480 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2113



A waiter at a restaurant in Des Moines                      
Was serving trimmings of pork from the loin.                
"Do you want stuffing?", he growled,                        
To a woman, who fouled                                      
Up his sex life by a kick to the groin.                     
                                                            
56481 PUNS - ANATOMY                 H Myers             T9801



She's an author, this lovely young Brit;                    
Her editor though somewhat a twit,                          
Makes her just effervesce,                                  
With his great need to press,                               
His clips to her fine English lit.                          
                                                            
56482 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico    P0206



Her friend's sloop came in slowly to anchor;                
She stayed in her bunk full of rancor.                      
She received quite a shock                                  
When she heard the mate, Jock,                              
Yell, "Haul down the main sheet and spanker."               
                                                            
56483 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A farmer in Kansas named Jake,                              
Whose tractor broke down, used a rake.                      
All the wheat on my land,                                   
I gathered by hand,                                         
Which caused me my grain headache.                          
                                                            
56484 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Guy Ben-Moshe            



Your verse is one that fills with glee, man,                
Reminding of the Baptist bee man,                           
Who described dancing                                       
As not mere prancing                                        
But navel bout with no lost semen.                          
                                                            
56485 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Daniel Ford              



The cootie will greedily flit,                              
To its hosts and with hubris there sit.                     
As its young on us suck,                                    
Leaving us out of luck,                                     
To be tipple for each little nit.                           
                                                            
56486 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico         



"Try the Better Health Club," the ad droned,                
"And after you've grunted and groaned,                      
You're sure to be slimmer                                   
And fitter and trimmer --                                   
Because we leave no stern untoned!"                         
                                                            
56487 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Martin Bristow SmithP0103



I took psych in college, quite strange.                     
To a biz major the course seemed deranged.                  
I questioned the class                                      
What I felt needed asked:                                   
"Are Peter Fonda and Penis envy the same?"                  
                                                            
56488 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Gearhart                 



Fonda and envy have not quite the fame;                     
But peter and penis could be the same.                      
Psych folks are obsessed;                                   
Probably sexually repressed --                              
Bet they answered "What's in a name?"                       
                                                            
56489 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Marlene Lewis            



Vodka and orange joice is screwdriver,                      
Plus magnesia for Phillips screwdriver.                     
But if you would clean                                      
All else from the scene,                                    
Try vodka and prune juice, the pile driver.                 
                                                            
56490 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Anon                     



A strange entrepreneur, Joe Bierce,                         
Owned a business and its pace was fierce.                   
He felt a great pride                                       
As he punctured each hide.                                  
May there always be skin left to pierce.                    
                                                            
56491 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Loren Fitzhugh      P2006



There was an Old Man on some rocks,                         
Who shut up his wife in a box:                              
When she said, "Let me out,"                                
He exclaimed, "Without doubt                                
I'll get off my rocks in your box."                         
                                                            
56492 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Edwardian Leer 068       



Mr. Gland, I can finally proclaim                           
I ahve given our Sal a surname.                             
Now we are wed                                              
And both share a bed;                                       
Sal Ivary-Gland is her name.                                
                                                            
56493 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



An unshod beachcomber named Mel,                            
Sorely injured his foot in a swell.                         
Which, to a large measure,                                  
Kept him from the treasure                                  
He sought at each day's toe and shell.                      
                                                            
56494 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Birch           P0800



An old sneak thief, by name of Hodges,                      
Made a living by snatching their watches.                   
His big brother Mercer,                                     
Did the same, but vice-versa!                               
Dirty old buggers!  Buenos Noches!                          
                                                            
56495 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



"Soft shoulders" it says on the road.                       
To my Charlie that's just a goad.                           
"They're advertised here,"                                  
He says with a leer.                                        
"I think I'll buy myself a load!"                           
                                                            
56496 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Marlene Lewis            



There once was a hiker named Mort                           
Whose hike he was forced to abort.                          
When his boot fell apart,                                   
'Twas a jolt to his heart.                                  
Now his other boot gives sole support.                      
                                                            
56497 PUNS - ANATOMY                                          



A girl in the bathtub who'll grope                          
In the suds for a lost bar of soap,                         
Is the same in her search                                   
As a girl in the church                                     
On a quest with a soul full of hope.                        
                                                            
56498 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico    P9411



A skin-doctor's journal showed charts                       
Of ailments, their stops and their starts.                  
The survey was droll --                                     
But questioned, the poll                                    
Exceeded the sum of its warts.                              
                                                            
56499 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Chris Anton              



His is an art to enamour. These                             
Frocks have great style and glamour. He's                   
Designed elegant tops,                                      
Sold in smart women's shops,                                
And carried as Tanks for the Mammaries.                     
                                                            
56500 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico    P9703



Her marriage broke up and Tess lost Tyrone,                 
But later found she had less cause to moan.                 
Her cucumber salads                                         
Were better than ballads.                                   
What made them so sexy? Tess tossed her own!                
                                                            
56501 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Norm Storer         P9206



Among surnames especially heinous                           
We've Rechtanaus and Coriolanus;                            
Real winners like Whidden,                                  
Insani, and Glidden;                                        
Well, I say down these, up Uranus.                          
                                                            
56502 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Armand E Singer       687



If a sailor finds hope with his raft,                       
And a general wins war with the draft,                      
Then it makes sense to me,                                  
As I'm sure you'll agree,                                   
That a miner strikes gold with his shaft.                   
                                                            
56503 PUNS - ANATOMY                                          



A fellow from Georgia named Hanes                           
Went to see a head-shrinker in Plains.                      
Though it wasn't his plan,                                  
He shrunk the whole man,                                    
And now he has very close veins.                            
                                                            
56504 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Jim C Carpenter          



Nasty Victor, the Mad Doctor toils;                         
His new bride zaps between Tesla coils;                     
He's revived her choice parts,                              
Dug from rotten, dead tarts;                                
"To the Victor", he says, "go the spoils!"                  
                                                            
56505 PUNS - ANATOMY                                          



For the Y2K crisis of late,                                 
New Y2KY jelly's great;                                     
Not for the computer,                                       
But letting a suitor,                                       
Fit four digits into a date.                                
                                                            
56506 PUNS - ANATOMY                 Bob Giandomenico    P9911



There once was a Lama, a priest,                            
Came visiting just for a feast.                             
With only one "L",                                          
It's easy to tell                                           
This guy from the Mountainous East.                         
                                                            
56507 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Irish                    



The llama with "L"ements two,                               
Is native to hilly Peru.                                    
Though I've also seen a                                     
Few in Argentina,                                           
Most of them live in a zoo.                                 
                                                            
56508 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Irish                    



The question is how I aspire                                
To add one more "L", you inquire,                           
And play out this drama,                                    
With a 3 "L" lllama.                                        
The answer's a very big fire.                               
                                                            
56509 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Irish                    



Punned shameless Greek bard, Alcibiades,                    
"All chickens must surely admire these:                     
They'll keep them from wetting                              
The coop where they're setting --                           
Their very own paper hen diades.   (dydees - diapers)       
                                                            
56510 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Armand E Singer       167



An ornithologist named Segal                                
Caught a sick bird he thought was a sea gull.               
His patience was tested                                     
When he was arrested;                                       
The charge: harboring an ill eagle.                         
                                                            
56511 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Tom Patton          P9608



My donkey is constantly bragging,                           
And her sway back is presently sagging.                     
She hauled twenty tons            (She paid her dues)       
Of government guns,               (And wore out her shoes,) 
And my ass, I would say, is now dragging.                   
                                                            
56512 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A young haberdasher named Nance,                            
His selling of pants did enhance.                           
He sold trousers to mothers,                                
To uncles and brothers,                                     
And he also put aunts in their pants.                       
                                                            
56513 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Albin Chaplin            



My old Irish Setter named Minton,                           
Came home one night, coughin' 'n squintin'.                 
A trip to the doc's                                         
Found two shuttlecocks                                      
Stuck way down his throat.  Bad Minton!                     
                                                            
56514 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Ericka                   



To Alaska went worn-out old Tucker                          
To gain back his strength as a trucker.                     
He expended his wealth                                      
To recover his health                                       
And he came back a big husky fucker.                        
                                                            
56515 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2345



There was a young man of Barnes Bay                         
Who went fishing one sunshiny day.                          
He caught a small mullet                                    
Which he slipped in his wallet.                             
"The big ones," he said, "get away."                        
(read it again -- it's a pun)                               
56516 PUNS - ANIMALS                 John Blyth               



Until you reach the end of your term,                       
(Even when you are old and infirm)                          
A beautiful chick                                           
Can still raise your stick,                                 
And the girly bird catches the worm.                        
                                                            
56517 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Karri                    



A magician was really quite fond                            
Of the way that his trained dove would repond               
To performing his stunts,                                   
And he said more than once,                                 
That his bird was a good as his wand.                       
                                                            
56518 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Some day when you're old and infirm,                        
Unable to give or take sperm,                               
In the gloom of December,                                   
Please try to remember,                                     
The surly bird catches the germ.                            
                                                            
56519 PUNS - ANIMALS                 John Miller              



Spawn of shad, as all fishermen know,                       
Regales gourmets wise with a glow.                          
So, embarking to fish,                                      
Put to sea with a wish,                                     
And this ditty, "Boat, Boat, Boat, Your Roe."               
                                                            
56520 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9803



Old Bill's dog would constantly yap,                        
And gave not a toss where he'd crap.                        
From dog bites, Bill's lame,                                
And hence the dog's name...                                 
It's Camera, because of his snaps.                          
                                                            
56521 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



Spanish matador tales are so gory;                          
French Casanova tales are so 'scory'.                       
Gotta check with my shrink,                                 
But you know what I think?                                  
They're all just a cock and bull story!                     
                                                            
56522 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Gunjan Saraf             



A filly ran well on mud yeller,                             
But on grass her performance was duller.                    
She never ran right                                         
Because of the sight                                        
Of a course of a different color.                           
                                                            
56523 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Fred Cohen          P8504



A gator-lover was nobody's jerk;                            
Researching reptiles was his perk.                          
Without an apology                                          
He then chose zoology                                       
And he's happily swamped in his work.                       
                                                            
56524 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Guy Ben-Moshe            



Our turkey runs 'round in the rain;                         
Dosen't like the oven, that's plain.                        
My wife ends this caper                                     
With her silver paper.                                      
He shouts, "Curses, I've been foiled again!"                
                                                            
56525 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Tony Burrell             



It occurs as a matter of course,                            
That poets will tap the same source;                        
Your poetic license                                         
Can't be put in suspense,                                   
So don't worry and put Descartes before horse.              
                                                            
56526 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



An Indian said, with a yawn,                                
"My doggie is out on the lawn",                             
But his dog gave a sniff,                                   
Slipped and fell off a cliff.                               
The Indian muttered, "Dog gone!"                            
                                                            
56527 PUNS - ANIMALS                 John Dohner         P8810



In Peru there are nightly dramas                            
Involving beasts wearing pajamas.                           
To Ms Parton their owner,                                   
Whos's the pajama donor,                                    
They are known as the Dolly Llamas.                         
                                                            
56528 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Thomas M Patton     P9901



A zoo-keeper cleaning-out cages,                            
For hardly a day's-worth of wages,                          
Found a dead Chimpanzee,                                    
Just as stiff as can be;                                    
That's 'flat-line' on all the heart gauges.                 
                                                            
56529 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



He placed the dead Chimp on his cart,                       
And continued with his zoo-keepers part.                    
He went to the Finches,                                     
Which lay dead -- three inches,   (high)                    
So to hide them, he'd have to be smart.                     
                                                            
56530 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



He rolled along to the old lions pen                        
Opened the door, threw the carcasses in.                    
He sighed and thought, "Swell."                             
The Lion roared, "BLOODY HELL!                              
Tell me it's not Finch and Chimps again!"                   
                                                            
56531 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



Deep emotions are sturgeon inside me;                       
Come perch on this swing beside me.                         
Walleye thought I'd never                                   
Get hooked, not ever.                                       
Don't throw me back 'til you've tried me.                   
                                                            
56532 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A jokester had only just started                            
His mule, when it broke loose and darted                    
Away out of sight;                                          
The rope wasn't tight.                                      
A mule and his funny's soon parted.                         
                                                            
56533 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Anon                     



The donkey-horse offspring's downhearted;                   
His career as a humorist thwarted,                          
'Cause his jokes were all swiped                            
By a robber who piped,                                      
"A mule and his funny's soon parted."                       
                                                            
56534 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



A turkey once took a bad fall,                              
From his perch and laid flat in a sprawl.                   
And next to his nest, he's                                  
Left one of his testes,                                     
More commonly called a fowl ball.                           
                                                            
56535 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9511



Tuscan goats, by some strange stroke of luck,               
Were transported to Rome via truck,                         
Where on Rome's seven hills,                                
They gave tourists great thrills,                           
As in fountains they'd busily muck.                         
                                                            
56536 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P0209



If all the gnus in the London Zoo                           
Disappeared forever,                                        
You'd have to say                                           
That's the end of the gnus,                                 
And now it's time for the weather.                          
                                                            
56537 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Ron Ellin                



A kind-hearted dog-lover named Vince                        
Said, "For my dog, I've spared no expense,                  
But the bill from the vet                                   
Has left me in debt --                                      
'Twas a heartworming experience!                            
                                                            
56538 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Observer                 



Here's a verse no one's thought of before.                  
When you see it, don't show me the door.                    
Though it might make you squirm                             
Would a male pachyderm                                      
Be offended if called, Herby Vore?                          
                                                            
56539 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



A Russian success was unfurled                              
As dogs into space they had hurled.                         
But they took many bows,                                    
When they sent up ten cows --                               
'Twas the herd that was shot 'round the world.              
                                                            
56540 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2826



A certain young fellow, named Bobbie                        
Rode his steed back and forth in the lobby.                 
When the clerk said: "In doors                              
Is no place for a horse."                                   
He replied, "But you see, it's my hobby."                   
                                                            
56541 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



Note well the hod carrier's post,                           
A vocational berth, nethermost.                             
One would better aspire,                                    
On as angler to hire,                                       
And then might, as cod harrier boast.                       
                                                            
56542 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9902



In my gut, where it makes a left twist,                     
Two worms had a delicate tryst.                             
She spoke to him shyly,                                     
He answered her wryly,                                      
"But only, dear, if you encyst!"                            
                                                            
56543 PUNS - ANIMALS                 John Miller              



An Aussie, whom women neglect,                              
Has written a book on his treks                             
To the outback to screw                                     
A young kangaroo,                                           
Which he titled, The Joey of Sex.                           
                                                            
56544 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



A slight-of-hand artist named Wares                         
Can cut rabbits in half, he declares.                       
A remarkable trick                                          
That some people think sick,                                
Though to others he's just splitting hares.                 
                                                            
56545 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P8811



Two weevils sat on the professor --                         
The small one became the aggressor.                         
When it bit through his hide,                               
The professor, he died --                                   
Though it was of two weevils the lesser.                    
                                                            
56546 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2755



Two bugs on a bush in Chamblee                              
Were about to be sprayed by McGee.                          
The small one said, "No,                                    
You must let me go.                                         
I'm the lesser of two weevils, you see."                    
                                                            
56547 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Herpetologist J. Wilson Murtle                              
Said, "Ogden Nash touted them fertile.                      
Clumsy reptiles they be;                                    
They procreate you see.                                     
I resent then your mocking the turtle."                     
                                                            
56548 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0101



There once was a cow from St. Joe                           
Where green grass made her belch, don't you know.           
But the bovine was plucky,                                  
Went off to Kentucky,                                       
Ate bluegrass. She mooed indigo.                            
                                                            
56549 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Don Moore           P9206



On the farm, I would often arise                            
Quite early, erection full size,                            
To pick a young hen                                         
From out of the pen,                                        
And award her a pullet surprise.                            
                                                            
56550 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Hugh Clary               



A fine young hen, now that's a catch!                       
With long sharp toenails, five to a batch;                  
So do take warning,                                         
When in the morning;                                        
"Don't mount your chickens before they scratch."            
                                                            
56551 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



It all started with the introduction                        
Of a way to halt their reproduction.                        
Newly found ancient stats                                   
Show that years ago, cats                                   
Were the first weapons of mouse destruction.                
                                                            
56552 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



A jokester had only just started                            
His mule, when it broke loose and darted                    
Away out of sight.                                          
The rope wasn't tight;                                      
A mule and his funny's soon parted!                         
                                                            
56553 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Prof M-G                 



As the smoke from her stove billowed black,                 
A dazzed wife in Tibet cried, "Alack,"                      
To her husband, "Oh please,                                 
Call and order Chinese,                                     
It's a cinder!  Oh, my baking yak!"                         
                                                            
56554 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9410



With the brightest of all worldly views,                    
Milne's bear is above, singing blues,                       
And friends eager to hear,                                  
Ursine tidings of cheer,                                    
They could all use a share of Pooh news.                    
                                                            
56555 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9902



There once was a farmer named Kline,                        
Whose piggies enjoyed a good rhyme;                         
When stricken with flu,                                     
Lims would pull them through;                               
So it's true: A niche in rhyme saves swine!                 
                                                            
56556 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



I have a cute frog that is sick;                            
My son hit his head with a brick.                           
You've heard of a pun,                                      
Well, consider this one:                                    
If he croaks, I'll be very heartsick.                       
                                                            
56557 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Joe is an old farming dude,                                 
Who's not in a real good mood.                              
The rabbits got in                                          
Where his veggies had been.                                 
And he can't stand hare in his food.                        
                                                            
56558 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Janice Baker             



A king by the name of Old Noah,                             
Went hunting and stepped on a boa.                          
The snake coiled and faced him,                             
And then it embraced him.                                   
Oh, he ain't gonna reign no moah.                           
                                                            
56559 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Mrs. G. A. Borth    P9202



As a purist and author, I groaned.                          
Use of puns is just barely condoned.                        
But intending to kill                                       
Every bird on the hill,                                     
You can't leave with no tern unstoned.                      
                                                            
56560 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Limerick Man        T9801



You don't know the difference, admit,                       
'Tween an owl, constipated a bit,                           
And a hunter who fails                                      
To kill any quails:                                         
The bad marksman will shoot but not hit.                    
                                                            
56561 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Hugh Clary               



Those who toil in aquaria find                              
They get bored. To escape from this bind                    
Or to lessen its toil,                                      
They set a daily goal,                                      
And keep one single porpoise in mind.                       
                                                            
56562 PUNS - ANIMALS                 L C Fitzhugh        P0112



Is it true about mice what they say:                        
"When the cat is away, mice will play?"                     
Since it's mice that I fear,                                
I will keep the pussy near                                  
For I love to stroke fur anyway.                            
                                                            
56563 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



All that rapping and tapping, you know,                     
Which was sounded on E. A. Poe's "doh"                      
And helped him through the night                            
Into the morning light                                      
Was made by the arcane quid Poe crow.                       
                                                            
56564 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



Raccoons often try about face,                              
Gnawing bullocks until there's no trace.                    
So when choosing this pest,                                 
You must muzzle them lest                                   
You are caught 'tween a raccoon hard place.                 
                                                            
56565 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



Two rats were pursued by some cats,                         
But drew to one side and said, "That's                      
Not the life for us guys,                                   
We should hide out in pies!"                                
(They ended up being pie rats!!)                            
                                                            
56566 PUNS - ANIMALS                 John Dohner         P8804



Map reader in a jungle camp,                                
Succumbed to a lion's jaw-clamp.                            
Reporter, they say,                                         
Leo spit away,                                              
Knowing 'readers digest, writers cramp'.                    
                                                            
56567 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Chris Papa               



Please indulge me in one further thing, dear;               
For the bliss that our marriage could bring, dear;          
I really beseech you.                                       
Before Daddy meets you;                                     
Don't be rude, doff your red nose-ring, dear.               
                                                            
56568 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Dr Limerick              



A girl will complain when men fault her;                    
Male chauvinists will try to alter                          
Her life then enmesh                                        
A style 'kin to horseflesh --                               
Any wonder when she wears a "halter?"                       
                                                            
56569 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



To make a sheep dip with an old                             
Used dipstick, like yours, free of mold,                    
You must, with your hose,                                   
Wash all of your clothes,                                   
And dry 'em, but make the sheep fold.                       
                                                            
56570 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



A famous film maker extols                                  
The hire of trained dogs and his goal's                     
Not to mis-cast a breed;                                    
He has further agreed                                       
That he'll not use spare pugs in hound roles.               
                                                            
56571 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Looking down at the mess, I had frowned,                    
And it wasn't the first that I'd found;                     
But instead of bemoanin',                                   
I christened him 'Onan',                                    
'Cause the bird spilled his seed on the ground.             
                                                            
56572 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



There were two hunters named Sayers                         
Who divided their catch in two shares.                      
Many rabbits they shot                                      
And they piled up the lot                                   
And they spent the whole night splitting hares.             
                                                            
56573 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Albin Chaplin   3024=2780



STAGFLATIONS have no antler part;                           
With new man, Paul Harvey, they start.                      
So let us all hear                                          
Some thanks to him, dear,                                   
But please do not take it to Hart.                          
                                                            
56574 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Gary Hallock             



As I set pen to pad for a doodle                            
The rain left me with a wet noodle.                         
I had not a mac                                             
To keep the rain back;                                      
Went to get one and stepped in a poodle.                    
                                                            
56575 PUNS - ANIMALS                                          



A cure for those bugs that eat cloth,                       
Is steal," said old Heinrich the Goth,                      
"A flatulent pony."                                         
He's wrong, but only                                        
A stolen roan gasses no moth.                               
                                                            
56576 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Tiddy Ogg                



To Spooner an "ism" absurd--                                
It seemed that a very tall bird,                            
When it defecated,                                          
Perhaps constipated,                                        
Those watching would see a ball turd.                       
                                                            
56577 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Irving Superior     P9410



Pursuing his pup through the fog,                           
A joker came by at a jog.                                   
Observing the chase,                                        
I thought, "Here's a case                                   
Of the wag really tailing the dog."                         
                                                            
56578 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Norm Storer         P9806



The Dill River salmon don't sleep.                          
They've spawning appointments to keep.                      
But they soon get their fill                                
Of swimming uphill.                                         
(We all know Dill Waters run steep.)                        
                                                            
56579 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Ericka                   



A fellow who works at the zoo                               
Lacks even the teensiest clue,                              
As to why his peers shirk                                   
His friendship at work:                                     
He just keeps on asking, "What's gnu?"                      
                                                            
56580 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Norm Storer         P0007



Said the wife of old sheepherder Flynn,                     
Her patience, it seems, wearing thin,                       
"For dinner you're late,                                    
It is cold on your plate.                                   
Tell me, where in the flock have YOU been?"                 
                                                            
56581 PUNS - ANIMALS                 Albin Chaplin            



Uncle Dave, an old family friend,                           
Tells tales all day without end.                            
He's never sure                                             
We've heard them before,                                    
So he tells them again and again.                           
                                                            
56582 PUNS - BOOZE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



One that I once thought was funny,                          
Involved going to a bar to make money.                      
He bet everyone there                                       
Though he looked old, he'd swear                            
He's a Minor, yet still gets served rum-my.                 
                                                            
56583 PUNS - BOOZE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



As proof he would order a drink,                            
And drink it down quick as a wink.                          
Then say to the waitress,                                   
"Excuse me miss.                                            
Am I a Minor, do you think?"                                
                                                            
56584 PUNS - BOOZE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



She said "Let me see your ID."                              
She looked and then laughed merrily.                        
"You're old enough to drink                                 
You funny old dink,                                         
But your name is Dave Minor, I see."                        
                                                            
56585 PUNS - BOOZE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A jungfrau by name of Von Ritter                            
Was bit by the old herr who smit her.                       
She discovered the bite                                     
And went looking that night,                                
For the dog of the herr who had bit her.                    
                                                            
56586 PUNS - BOOZE                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0772



A German ball player had fun                                
In an Italian league with his son.                          
He played hard every day                                    
Till a car came his way;                                    
Headlines read, "DRUNK DRIVER HITS ROME HUN?"               
                                                            
56587 PUNS - BOOZE                   Tom Patton               



"Bits of string aren't allowed any gin,"                    
Said the barman, "I can't let you in."                      
But the guy at the bar                                      
Said "I'm not."  "Yes you are."                             
"I'm a frayed knot," he said with a grin.                   
                                                            
56588 PUNS - BOOZE                   Peter Wilkins            



A dancer named Doug cut a rug.                              
He declared, "'Gin and bitters' my drug."                   
His tombstone read,                                         
"Though Doug is dead,                                       
He lived and died by the old bitter jug."                   
                                                            
56589 PUNS - BOOZE                   Thomas M Patton     P9901



She smashed a prize urn on a spree                          
And her boss let her know the degree                        
Of offense by a hiding;                                     
Yet he was law-abiding,                                     
He was licensed to liquor, you see.                         
                                                            
56590 PUNS - BOOZE                   Bill Backe-Hansen   P9206



You claim I get drunk and I fight;                          
That I chase every woman in sight;                          
And my morals are loose,                                    
But all that is abuse;                                      
How can l be loose if I'm tight.                            
                                                            
56591 PUNS - BOOZE                   A K Barton          P0900



In a brothel, two dykes asked, with snickers,               
For an underaged girl with no knickers.                     
Their request was denied                                    
When the madame replied,                                    
"We won't serve a minor to lickers."                        
                                                            
56592 PUNS - BOOZE                   Bob Giandomenico    P9703



Last night I went full comatose                             
Through no fault of my own, I disclose.                     
I was dared to sniff coke,                                  
Which I did for a joke,                                     
But an ice-cube got stuck up my nose!                       
                                                            
56593 PUNS - BOOZE                   Friar               T9801



There was a young fellow of Kent;                           
Much time on his lawn he had spent.                         
He used finest of seed                                      
And then plenty of feed,                                    
But it all came up twisted and bent.                        
(bent grass)                                                
56594 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Albin Chaplin            



Iris Yew-wood stay with me here;                            
We'd make Lavender moonlight, my dear.                      
Yucca Dahlia wake                                           
And get Alder my snake,                                     
While I Daisy Leaf fondle your rear.                        
                                                            
56595 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Peter Wilkins            



Oak come to me Petey, alone;                                
I'll Larch onto your funny bone.                            
(Beech-eaper for us                                         
If Yew took the bus)                                        
Forget it!  I Pine for your cone.                           
                                                            
56596 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Ericka                   



Guests at my house feel at ease;                            
When shown to their quarters they sees,                     
There's a tin of legumes                                    
Over the beds in the rooms.                                 
They shall sleep under can o' peas.                         
                                                            
56597 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Guy Ben-Moshe            



A puzzle obscure for the ages,                              
For the attornical legalized sages:                         
If a plaintiff most debtless                                
Sues a parsley farmer assetless,                            
Do the judges garnish his wages?                            
                                                            
56598 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Res Ipsa                 



The stripper, I thought, was proficient;                    
But policemen proclaimed her deficient:                     
Seems the fans that she'd use                               
Didn't cover her cooze,                                     
So they jailed her for fronds insufficient.                 
                                                            
56599 PUNS - BOTANIC                                          



The building contractor, O'Shea,                            
Saw his flooring begin to decay.                            
Enraged, he did utter                                       
"This stuff must be butter,                                 
Cause it sure as hell isn't parquet!"                       
                                                            
56600 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Loren Fitzhugh      P9206



An Israeli art dealer awoke                                 
And dined while his wife told a joke.                       
He inhaled what he ate                                      
And she found out too late                                  
She had made her Jerusalem arty choke.                      
                                                            
56601 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Macsam                   



In chapel the sight of young May                            
Caused young Bob severe trouser affray.                     
And a sticky wet palm                                       
At the end of the psalm,                                    
When the minister said "Let us spray."                      
                                                            
56602 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Peter Wilkins            



Even worse was the retarded kid                             
(You wanna know just what he did?)                          
He put "lettuce spray"                                      
In the cafe au lait.                                        
The words of the Lord?  God forbid!                         
                                                            
56603 PUNS - BOTANIC                                          



The slugs have been chomping away                           
In the vicar's carden one day.                              
So that wicked old man                                      
Brabbed an aersol can,                                      
"Now then," he said, "lettuce spray."                       
                                                            
56604 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Tiddy Ogg                



With Mr. McGregor away,                                     
Flopsy and Mopsy said, "Hey!                                
We'll nibble apace                                          
But first we'll say grace.                                  
So with bowed bunny head: "lettuce prey..."                 
                                                            
56605 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Tiddy Ogg                



The new diet I'm on makes me groan,                         
But I've lost much flesh from my bone.                      
The results sure are valid,                                 
It's called honeymoon salad.                                
It consists of just 'lettuce alone'.                        
                                                            
56606 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Puff Adder               



Listening to the pounding in my chest,                      
He raised his tired head from my breast.                    
Rolling to his side,                                        
He said with a sigh,                                        
"Honey, I'm pooped.  Lettuce rest."                         
                                                            
56607 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Tiddy Ogg                



"The Garden Club has a real need,                           
For men to perform a good deed."                            
The chairwoman said,                                        
"The ladies will spread,                                    
If men would provide all the seed."                         
                                                            
56608 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Travis Brasell           



Any yard work, to me, is not play.                          
To my wife, words of praise I do say.                       
"When you're out cutting grass,                             
You're my favorite lass,                                    
And I lawn for you mower each day."                         
                                                            
56609 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Kirk Miller              



Two nuts joined in matrimony,                               
Had a yearning one day to be free.                          
But the pecan nut, Hazel,                                   
And her walnut man, Basil,                                  
Could not settle their almondy.                             
                                                            
56610 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Tiddy Ogg                



Head first in the barrel she'd go,                          
To search out a dill that would grow                        
To sizes gigantic,                                          
Enough for her antic                                        
Of playing that damned Pickle low.                          
                                                            
56611 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Ericka                   



As the little green tree sprout pushed through,             
The evergreen laughed, "How's the view?"                    
The sapling replied,                                        
"While it lasts, have your pride,                           
Because I am more poplar than yew."                         
                                                            
56612 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Anon                     



In that limerick I'd barely begun                           
To cob-ble together a pun.                                  
Though it may sound uncouth,                                
Ears a kernel of truth:                                     
"That was corny."  "Well shucks, but it's fun."             
                                                            
56613 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Kirk Miller              



A philosophy major named Heap                               
Had a question that just wouldn't keep.                     
He poured pickle juice                                      
Down the hill by the sluice,                                
To see if dill waters run steep.                            
                                                            
56614 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Five Line Frolics   P0301



If we cantaloupe I'm crestfallen;                           
Honey Dew you hear my heart callin'?                        
I'll be melon-choly                                         
If this is in folly.                                        
I musk know so please quit your stallin'.                   
                                                            
56615 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Gearhart                 



You shuffle the earth soft and deep,                        
And deal out the seeds with a sweep.                        
Then with water and light,                                  
If you play the game right,                                 
In the Summer, you'll weed 'em and reap.                    
                                                            
56616 PUNS - BOTANIC                 Sally Yocom         P9712



A clever fruit carver, Grace Hazin,                         
Would whittle the sides of a raisin                         
Into beautiful dolls                                        
Holding pink parasols;                                      
Onlookers said, "Grace, you're amazin'!"                    
                                                            
56617 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Armand E Singer       876



There was a young fellow named Hall,                        
Who fell in a spring in the fall.                           
'Twould have been a sad thing,                              
Had he died in the spring,                                  
But he didn't, he died in the fall.                         
                                                            
56618 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Anon                     



Our band needs one more to complete                         
The line up -- someone to keep the beat.                    
Some one who, boy or girl,                                  
Is unlike Dr Scholl,                                        
Whose foot-pads do buck up the feet.                        
                                                            
56619 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Funny Bone               



A good man was Dr John Proctor,                             
But his wife cheated on the good doctor.                    
Came home early today                                       
To catch her at play,                                       
By plane boat and by hell, he copped her.                   
                                                            
56620 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Tony Burrell             



Old, irascible Dr. DeWitt,                                  
Swore at hospital help in a snit,                           
And from this manic state,                                  
He was rendered prostrate,                                  
Sorely stricken by his "cursed aide" fit.                   
                                                            
56621 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Bob Giandomenico    P0010



Said a young doctor named Oscar Baer                        
"I've come up with a pun that is rare.                      
If I tell you this whopper                                  
I know you'll blow your topper;                             
A physician's toupee's 'medic-hair'."                       
                                                            
56622 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Michael F. Ellis    P8902



Wealthy realtor J. Armstrong McBung                         
Always claimed to one truth he had clung.                   
"In the wink of an eye                                      
Youth will pass us all by;                                  
So be sure to get lots while you're young."                 
                                                            
56623 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Loren Fitzhugh      P0402



Two honest egotists from Duluth,                            
Often dueled in a manner uncouth.                           
But in each dispute,                                        
No one could refute                                         
'Twas I for an I, truth for a truth!                        
                                                            
56624 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Observer                 



The accident made the base journals,                        
When the jeep hit an officer, Burnells.                     
While munching popcorn,                                     
He'd not heard the horn.                                    
He's fine but the jeep killed two kernels.                  
                                                            
56625 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  TuttaGioia               



A man in outlandish regalia                                 
Mixed a drink with some wax and a dahlia.                   
Said the doc, "In an hour                                   
You'll be sick from the flower,                             
But do not let the paraffin ail ye."                        
                                                            
56626 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Albin Chaplin   3024-2764



A psychiatrist sent a nice gift                             
To a patient whose mind was adrift.                         
It was shrink wrapped, you see,                             
And worked beautifully.                                     
She had presents of mind, quite a lift.                     
                                                            
56627 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Kirk Miller              



Good ship Saccro's strange Master was Hank;                 
A religious fanatic, first rank.                            
In a typhoon one day,                                       
He screamed, "Kneel down and pray!"                         
His crew did. That's when Saccro sank.                      
                                                            
56628 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Jim Weaver Collection    



Have you heard of the zealot Zack Ridge                     
Who blessed converts on Golden Gate Bridge?                 
Brown bags covered rashes                                   
Caused by rolling in ashes,                                 
And his cult bore the name, "Sack Relig".                   
                                                            
56629 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Loren C Fitzhugh         



A wrestler, well-built for a primate,                       
Said, "This beanstalk I'll climb and I'll time it."         
The plant withered away,                                    
On the vine, so they say--                                  
It died from the most severe climb it.                      
                                                            
56630 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Arthur Deex         P9608



A divinity student named Meeks                              
Performed cunnilingus for weeks                             
In an after-hours joint --                                  
But the cops made a point                                   
To arrest him for tonguing in speaks.                       
                                                            
56631 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Jim Menger          P9205



There once was a handsome young actor;                      
While filming, he fell off a tractor.                       
Thought not in his script,                                  
He went to Egypt,                                           
To visit the Cairo-practor.                                 
                                                            
56632 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Steve Hicks              



A bipartisan horseman brigade                               
Set up a border blockade.                                   
When trouble abounded,                                      
They trotted, dumbfounded,                                  
Debating on whoa versus raid.                               
                                                            
56633 PUNS - DOCTORS/DEATH/RELIGION  Keith Gilamn        P0107



In the 30's, a cub sports reporter                          
Wrote a story that paid him a quarter.                      
His headline did say                                        
If you don't like to play,                                  
Then be an athletic supporter.                              
                                                            
56634 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT                                    



Way back in the nineteen-oh-twos,                           
Ma Bertha was drawing the queues,                           
With her songs about life                                   
Bringing trouble and strife.                                
She was known as the Bertha the Blues.                      
                                                            
56635 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Peter Wilkins            



I had a young puppy called Spark                            
And I taught him to play for a lark.                        
But he chewed upper A                                       
So I gave him away,                                         
For his bite was much worse than his Bach.                  
                                                            
56636 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Peter Wilkins            



The bordello's sad ball club abhors                         
Its games; dull affairs of low scores.                      
The players are slobs,                                      
Who lay down on their jobs,                                 
And the team, on the whole, two hit bores.                  
                                                            
56637 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Bob Giandomenico    P0301



At the chariot race, quite a stir                           
When some saw, Roman lictors aver,                          
A vision of Mary,                                           
But proconsuls more wary                                    
Declare that it can't have Ben Hur.                         
                                                            
56638 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           A. N. Wilkins       P9206



"Hey Jack! Where's that piece on Iraq?"                     
Said the ed. to the newspaper hack.                         
"Nearly finished, but Jill,                                 
The sub-editor, still                                       
Wants to check out my column", said Jack.                   
                                                            
56639 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT                                    



"Well quick - there's eight inches to fill",                
Said the ed.  "Yes I know", whispered Jill                  
'Neath the desk as she checked                              
Out Jack's column erect,                                    
"I've no doubt whatsoever he will."                         
                                                            
56640 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT                                    



A'm scratching it for you my dear                           
I'll use the full length of my spear                        
If you kneel down                                           
And turn on aroun'                                          
I'll itch it in front from back here                        
                                                            
56641 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT                                    



Get down and get nasty with me                              
And such a sensation we'll be                               
As I cram in front                                          
Deep in your wet cunt                                       
My hands fondling titties [hehe]                            
                                                            
56642 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT                                    



You wag your tail 'round and around                         
My balls slam full force on your mound                      
You whimper and moan                                        
Like a dog for a bone                                       
Then enjoy this dog's bone that you've found...             
                                                            
56643 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT                                    



There was a chess master named Sawyer,                      
Once bragged that he was a chess warrior.                   
The hotel boss kicked him out                               
With a loud backward shout,                                 
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."       
                                                            
56644 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           James Murray             



When old Mr. Doremi must go,                                
From his will, amplie funding will flow.                    
On the new concert hall,                                    
His name, thanks to all                                     
The Doremi facility dough.                                  
                                                            
56645 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Dr Limerick              



From an oyster bed under the sea,                           
Came a mollusc's lament, "Woe is me.                        
This Feeling of colic,                                      
Is more than symbolic,                                      
A gritty pearl's like a malady."                            
                                                            
56646 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Bob Giandomenico    P9803



A rancher, finances in shock,                               
Pawned twelve tons of manure from his stock,                
To pay bill that were due,                                  
When a press interview                                      
Made news of this large puckey hock.                        
                                                            
56647 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Bob Giandomenico    P9902



"The secret when hunting for 'gators,"                      
Bob says, filling nets with potaters,                       
"The trick," he tells you,                                  
"Is coat them with goo!"                                    
That's how he joined Pro-Master Baiters.                    
                                                            
56648 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Jim Weaver Collection    



Among the sad chumps we recall,                             
As having the least on the ball,                            
Stooges, suckers and saps,                                  
Oafs and dunces in caps,                                    
Cubic rubes are the squarest of all.                        
                                                            
56649 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Bob Giandomenico    P0110



The sportscasters up in their high sites                    
Cover football and baseball and guy fights,                 
But how would it bounce                                     
If one would announce:                                      
"From today's games, the whores and the skylights!"         
                                                            
56650 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT           Norm Storer              



Irish loved a young girl named Tor-                         
y. Large-chested, brainless young whore!                    
She bounced off of walls                                    
And got lost in halls.                                      
Could someone show Tory a door?                             
                                                            
56651 PUNS - ENTERTAINMENT                                    



The Swedish zoo keeper named Mel                            
Would never complain of the smell.                          
He was quick and adept                                      
And he said as he swept,                                    
"It's aardvark, but it pays very well."                     
                                                            
56652 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Albin Chaplin            



A scheming, ambitious go-getter,                            
Snagged a weak-bladdered, wealthy jet-setter,               
But then upwardly fed,                                      
With their water-logged bed,                                
Snarled snidely, "I could have wed better."                 
                                                            
56653 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Bob Giandomenico    P9902



The case of a poor, hungry soul,                            
With a belly to fill, his one goal,                         
Is pathetic indeed.                                         
But he's no less in need,                                   
Than a creature whose hut has no bowl.                      
                                                            
56654 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Bob Giandomenico    P0201



A former old Chief of the Cree sent                         
Smoke signals some thought were indecent.                   
I don't think I heard                                       
Any four-letter word,                                       
But I want to know what the ex-Cree meant.                  
                                                            
56655 PUNS - EXCRETORY               John E Maywood           



No one expects to telephone for free,                       
Yet each time my phone bill I see,                          
It sure makes me mad                                        
For each surcharge they add.                                
Seem like "fee call" matter to me.                          
                                                            
56656 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Guy Ben-Moshe            



"When we build our new bathroom," said Fred,                
"We will get a good blacksmith instead                      
Of hiring a plumber,                                        
Who might take all summer.                                  
This way we are forging a head."                            
                                                            
56657 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Bob Giandomenico    P8712



A dredger of bivalves admits                                
He's spastic, but never omits                               
He's a different frenetic                                   
From a whore, diarrhetic,                                   
Since the oysterman shucks between fits.                    
                                                            
56658 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Hugh Clary               



A curvaceous horse trainer, Miss Brewer,                    
Was a most splendid sight for the viewer;                   
Whether dressed for the stables                             
Or resplendent in sables,                                   
Being randy, the young horsemen knew her.                   
                                                            
56659 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Armand E Singer        11



"That house has no toilet," said Danny.                     
"I looked in each nook and each cranny.                     
I guarantee you                                             
Cannot poop-de-doo.                                         
A house with no toilet's uncanny."                          
                                                            
56660 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Al Willis           T9712



I wonder how they had the gall                              
To sell this book to Uncle Paul                             
'Cause we all can tell                                      
It's not written well:                                      
I. P. Standing's "Gold Waterfall."                          
                                                            
56661 PUNS - EXCRETORY                                        



The stocky Ird drinks up a storm,                           
So pissing while playing's his norm.                        
He gets so excited                                          
In conjuctio united,                                        
The burly Ird wets the germ.                                
                                                            
56662 PUNS - EXCRETORY               CB                 TP9807



My new son has me paying the piper.                         
My expenses for Pampers are hyper.                          
I'm in up to my ears.                                       
My account's in arrears.                                    
What I need is a messy debt wiper.                          
                                                            
56663 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Jerry Nordal        P0106



While tracking the cannibals' flight,                       
I could tell they were gluttons last night.                 
Eating breasts, full and fat,                               
When I saw in their scat                                    
Some nips that were passed in the shite.                    
                                                            
56664 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Hugh Clary               



And further down in the pit,                                
I saw what would make you just shit!                        
They must like the taste,                                   
Although it's a waste;                                      
For there in the shit was a clit!                           
                                                            
56665 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Archie                   



Two Japs, on their holiday flight,                          
Found they worked at the same sewer site.                   
And in the same sewer,                                      
(Although he never knew her)                                
They were just two Nips passing in the shite!               
                                                            
56666 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Percy Longprong          



The donkey loved chewing up glass.                          
Then one day he got taught some class.                      
Though nowt was begot,                                      
The sex was so hot,                                         
That now there's a pane in the ass.                         
                                                            
56667 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Ericka                   



The bulb in the bathroom was bright,                        
But then it burned out late last night.                     
'Twas a horrible sight,                                     
But to fix the thing right,                                 
I had to replace the head light!                            
                                                            
56668 PUNS - EXCRETORY               John Dohner         P8804



There was a young fellow called Shit,                       
A name he disliked quite a bit.                             
So he changed it to Shite,                                  
A step to the right                                         
Direction, one has to admit.                                
                                                            
56669 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Victor Gray              



A corn husker with seizures admits,                         
That a floozy with flux is the pits.                        
But if one has the hots                                     
Banging broads with the trots,                              
Is no worse than to shuck between fits.                     
                                                            
56670 PUNS - EXCRETORY               Bob Giandomenico    P9410



The cause of his death, nothing stellar,                    
Though rescuers barfed and turned yeller.                   
But this caused a groan,                                    
Writ on his headstone --                                    
"'Neath here lies an old, dead smart feller."               
                                                            
56671 PUNS - EXCRETORY                                        



Two buckets of vomit strolled near                          
A pub, sniffed the smell of stale beer;                     
Said one: "Listen, will ya,                                 
This place seems familiar,                                  
Yeah, I was brought up around here."                        
                                                            
56672 PUNS - EXCRETORY                                        



A little league umpire, free,                               
After games to the bleacher would flee,                     
In the sun there to bask,                                   
Not removing his mask,                                      
Then a baked dappled umpling was he.                        
                                                            
56673 PUNS - FOOD                    Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Two strawberries, birds of a feather,                       
Had just reached the end of their tether;                   
One lamented and said:                                      
"Wish we'd not shared that bed,                             
And ended in this jam together."                            
                                                            
56674 PUNS - FOOD                    Bill Backe-Hansen   P9206



Goose a ghost, get a handful of sheet;                      
Chop a bird, and you get shredded tweet;                    
Blood Dohners, you know                                     
Is misspelt -- a typo;                                      
A bun is a low form of wheat.                               
(John Dohner - limerick author)                             
56675 PUNS - FOOD                    Ed Potts            P8802



I always eat cabbage quite raw,                             
Although it is hard on the jaw                              
And stays in the gut                                        
For eight hours. But                                        
I feel I must live by Cole's Law.                           
                                                            
56676 PUNS - FOOD                                             



My dear, if you'd just studied science,                     
And physics, you'd not show defiance.                       
It should be cooked for hours,                              
As should cauliflowers;                                     
On Boyle's law please have reliance.                        
                                                            
56677 PUNS - FOOD                                             



In Great Britain when troubles foment,                      
The denizens show they've a bent                            
To set things right with tea,                               
Not fiat nor decree,                                        
And the tea brewed is "Caustic Comment.                     
                                                            
56678 PUNS - FOOD                    L C Fitzhugh        P0112



In most Super Marts I've found this true:                   
When the cheese is on sale, there's a queue.                
To the Roquefort and Brie                                   
The access remains free,                                    
But they're forced to cordon off the Bleu.                  
                                                            
56679 PUNS - FOOD                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



The currant crops flourished that year.                     
They were put out for sale far and near.                    
The newspapers hence                                        
Called them "currant events'                                
And their headlines exulted "Hear! Here!"                   
                                                            
56680 PUNS - FOOD                    Laurence Perrine    P8607



The life of a grape, we lament                              
For it falls to the ground when it's spent.                 
When it shrivels and dries,                                 
It will end up in pies,                                     
Thus becoming a currant event.                              
                                                            
56681 PUNS - FOOD                    Al Chaplin          P8607



The Brit farmer nicknamed "Bone" Marrow                     
Trod a path that was quite straight and narrow.             
The industrious ant                                         
Won't outdo him. It can't.                                  
To assure he'll be Eton, he'll Harrow.                      
                                                            
56682 PUNS - FOOD                    Loren Fitzhugh      P0800



In the town of Devine, Izzy Klein                           
Would give all the boys a high sign.                        
He was one fruit in town                                    
Who would always go down;                                   
He was called the Fruit of Devine.                          
                                                            
56683 PUNS - FOOD                    Jim Weaver Collection    



"You've told me before?"  "But of course,                   
And you still show no signs of remorse.                     
Making coffee for me,                                       
'Stead of tea, don't you see,                               
Is most certainly grounds for divorce.                      
                                                            
56684 PUNS - FOOD                    Peter Wilkins            



Though trip to a dentist, he'd hate,                        
A gent with ache from dental plate,                         
On visit one day,                                           
Went on his way,                                            
To get some relief from his fate.                           
                                                            
56685 PUNS - FOOD                    Chris Papa               



The dentist avoided delays                                  
And found source, 'mid murmurs of praise.                   
The trouble, you see,                                       
Came quite precisely                                        
From eating a sauce hollaidaise.                            
                                                            
56686 PUNS - FOOD                    Chris Papa               



Your dental help gains a new phase;                         
With chrome plate, your mouth will amaze.                   
When all's said and done,                                   
The reason will run,                                        
There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.           
                                                            
56687 PUNS - FOOD                    Chris Papa               



There was a homemaker named Pat,                            
Who couldn't sew, knit or tat.                              
She baked bread for the fair,                               
Won a blue-ribbon there,                                    
And said, "Thank you, I sure kneaded that!"                 
                                                            
56688 PUNS - FOOD                    Philisse Barrows         



A chilly young Eskimo named Nanuoo,                         
Lit a fire to warm his canoe.                               
His boat it did sink;                                       
He too, slid in the drink.                                  
You can't have a kayak and heat it too.                     
                                                            
56689 PUNS - FOOD                    James Murray             



A baker's accountant so unwise                              
Stole the dough from the bank, no surprise.                 
Confronted by the boss                                      
Replied, "Don't make me cross                               
I am sure it's all a pack of lies."                         
                                                            
56690 PUNS - FOOD                    Tom Patton          P0111



A braunschweiger eater named Kurst                          
Thought that his stomach would burst.                       
But his doctor said, "Nay!                                  
Your stomach's okay;                                        
I'd say that your liver is wurst."                          
                                                            
56691 PUNS - FOOD                    Walter Sabel             



So what is your answer, my deer?                            
Do you veal I'd give you a bum steer?                       
To a fawn like ewe,                                         
Now why would I do                                          
That to my young maiden fair.                               
                                                            
56692 PUNS - FOOD                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a young country bumpkin named Hall,                    
"The town that I'm from is so small,                        
If it wasn't for                                            
Our own yogurt store,                                       
We would have no culture at all!"                           
                                                            
56693 PUNS - FOOD                    Observer                 



When I used to fry eggs for my Daisy,                       
I dint break the shells, 'cause I lazy.                     
The eggs then were crunchy,                                 
But she thinks I'm punchy.                                  
OMLETTE you decide if I crazy.                              
                                                            
56694 PUNS - FOOD                    Al Willis                



A baker from China named Chu                                
Answered this lady he knew.                                 
"Why am I broke?                                            
Sell to no folk?                                            
'Cause I Only Have Pies for You!"                           
                                                            
56695 PUNS - FOOD                    Jim Weaver Collection    



A rooster became quite dismayed,                            
With an orange in a nest, well displayed.                   
He called in his chicks,                                    
"Mom's up to her tricks!                                    
Look at the orange 'marma-laid'."                           
                                                            
56696 PUNS - FOOD                    Gerard Schons            



To the driver's seat "Rosie" could climb,                   
The best teamster on Parsely's Stage Line.                  
At route's end in the West                                  
Was heard, (you have guessed?)                              
"Parsley's stage and Rosemary's on time."                   
                                                            
56697 PUNS - FOOD                    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



In nursing here's a rule that's valid                       
When patients eat their food that's salad.                  
If they happen to spill                                     
Keep you voice low or still.                                
You must not ever sass the pallid.                          
                                                            
56698 PUNS - FOOD                    Tom Patton          P0111



A baker, a patron of arts,                                  
Thought acting would offer fresh starts.                    
"When I stride the stage                                    
I'll be all the rage,                                       
As long as I get the top parts."                            
                                                            
56699 PUNS - FOOD                    Tom Patton               



William Penn said while preaching from notes,               
"Let's check our eyes for beams and motes."                 
Adding, "Though I'm religious                               
Please don't say prestigious."                              
As he summed up, out rolled "Quaker Quotes".                
                                                            
56700 PUNS - FOOD                    Loren C Fitzhugh    P9803



A Scotsman who lived in Ceylon                              
Was never a real paragon                                    
Of virtue, the clod                                         
Could never please God                                      
For he was a real cinnamon.                                 
                                                            
56701 PUNS - FOOD                    Al Willis           P9702



I suspect our good friend Arthur Deex                       
Has labored a good many weeks                               
With some irritation                                        
To save his plantation                                      
From dogs that come there taking leeks.                     
                                                            
56702 PUNS - FOOD                    John E Mayhood      P9809



I gazed at the pie-laden plates                             
(For pie is not one of my hates)                            
And I asked the girl there,                                 
"Miss, your pies look quite fair.                           
Please tell me, what are your pie rates?"                   
                                                            
56703 PUNS - FOOD                    John Dohner         P8804



Whenever the butcher drank rum,                             
He'd end up as tight as a drum;                             
Then the orders for meat                                    
Would go out incomplete,                                    
But he promised the wurst was to come.                      
                                                            
56704 PUNS - FOOD                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2776



An ignorant lad named Krause                                
Listened, just quiet as a mouse,                            
While a most evil man                                       
Told him Peter Pan,                                         
Was a wash basin in a whorehouse.                           
                                                            
56705 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS                           



As a burglar, Fred wasn't the best,                         
As his many convictions attest.                             
So he made up his mind                                      
To leave crime behind,                                      
For a change is as good as arrest.                          
                                                            
56706 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Murphy                   



As a youngster I heard people say                           
Though I don't think they meant to convey;                  
It was in the context                                       
Of June weddings, same sex,                                 
That the "Old 1890's were Gay".                             
                                                            
56707 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



March winds that chill bones and fill sails,                
Beside which any other gust pales,                          
But as any gob knows,                                       
Quite superlative blows,                                    
Can be had, time to time, from May gales.                   
                                                            
56708 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Bob Giandomenico    P9811



The kids who are born are first rate,                       
But they're fewer than ever, of late.                       
There's no hanky-panky                                      
Between John and Frankie,                                   
Because of that Heidi Vorss Raite.                          
                                                            
56709 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Al Willis                



Spiteful "phone-for-sex" sluts from Sioux Falls,            
Sit with poised ball point pens in their stalls,            
To await love-starved men,                                  
Who again and again,                                        
They brutally Bic in their calls.                           
                                                            
56710 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Bob Giandomenico    P9812



All of the young girls I meet                               
Say sex with me is quite a treat.                           
They say: Tell if you can,                                  
Are you one of the Klan,                                    
'Cause you're a wizard under the sheet.                     
                                                            
56711 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Rob Weiner               



There is simply no way of ignoring                          
That young Scottish lassie from Loring,                     
Who earned national fame                                    
When she entered the game,                                  
With her record of super-hot scoring.                       
                                                            
56712 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Jemstone                 



One Sunday, a harlot named Gloria                           
Established a beat in Victoria.                             
Next day in her whoredom                                    
She died out of boredom;                                    
Hence on Mundi 'twas sic transit gloria.                    
                                                            
56713 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Hugh Oliver          110a



A dwarf psychic, named Monsieur LaFarge,                    
Was thrown into jail on a charge                            
Of robbing a bank --                                        
But he excaped from the tank.                               
Now he's a "small medium at large".                         
                                                            
56714 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Tamara Alibeckoff        



A Viking clan member on course                              
Was arrested for stealing a horse.                          
They tried to manhandle                                     
The encroaching vandal,                                     
But a stolen roan gathers mo' Norse.                        
                                                            
56715 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Rob Ellis           T9712



A deviant doctor, though slick,                             
With colleagues could not ever click,                       
Because, shirking his calls,                                
By attending gay balls,                                     
And his scandalous ducking of sick.                         
                                                            
56716 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Bob Giandomenico         



He charmed her with excessive flattery                      
And plyed her with gifts every Saturday.                    
The Egyptian ruler                                          
Turned suddenly crueler,                                    
Attacking with a Sultan battery...                          
                                                            
56717 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Jon Gearhart             



"What Ho!" shouted Admiral Biggers;                         
"What ho, Sir!" responded his riggers.                      
He then asked his crew                                      
Why their faces were blue:                                  
"What ho' has been pulling your triggers?"                  
(anaphora)                                                  
56718 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Norm Storer         P9603



The homesick GI thought of Nell,                            
A hooker back home--she was swell.                          
He wrote to his parents,                                    
Who showed their forebearance                               
By wiring right back, "Whore is well."                      
                                                            
56719 PUNS - HOMOS/HOOKERS/BAD GUYS  Lucas Hulp          P9410



That thing I'd stuck down, to my sorrow,                    
Some robber decided to borrow.                              
A warning: don't use                                        
Those second-rate glues...                                  
They're adhere today, gone tomorrow.                        
                                                            
56720 PUNS - LITERATE                Tiddy Ogg                



There's the hare -- from a child's song I borrow --         
Who bopped field mices's heads.  To his sorrow,             
When his three chances passed,                              
He was transformed, alas!                                   
And 'twas said, "Hare today, gone tomorrow."                
                                                            
56721 PUNS - LITERATE                Hilde na Baeg            



At learning she's slow, so Jane Borrow                      
Gives driving instructors much sorrow.                      
"Although it's distressing,                                 
You're slowly progressing...                                
It's gears today, horn tomorrow."                           
                                                            
56722 PUNS - LITERATE                Tiddy Ogg                



Young John Brown likes pretending he's Zorro,               
As he danced with his sword in the barr-oh.                 
He has now been drafted.                                    
When scissors were wafted,                                  
He'd cry, "Hair today!  Shorn tomorrow!"                    
                                                            
56723 PUNS - LITERATE                Hilde na Baeg            



A U-boat commander was sent to                              
The Warsaw despicable ghetto.                               
Instead of a sailor,                                        
He was merely the jailer                                    
Thus making "Herr today, goon tomorrow."                    
                                                            
56724 PUNS - LITERATE                Tosspot                  



He would save every penny he earned,                        
'Stead of spending it on her, she learned.                  
"If that what it's like,                                    
Well then go take a hike."                                  
So a penny saved is a penny spurned.                        
                                                            
56725 PUNS - LITERATE                A P Burner               



The were camping and eating some taro.                      
They sat and told stories of horror.                        
With food left in a sack,                                   
Visitors soon came back.                                    
More to come -- hear toady, (rac)coon tomorrow.             
                                                            
56726 PUNS - LITERATE                Hilde na Baeg            



With this verse I don't wish to tempt fate,                 
But for once I need to get this straight.                   
By no idle suggestion                                       
Do I now pose this question:                                
Can illiterates alliterate?                                 
                                                            
56727 PUNS - LITERATE                Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



A traditional formalist poet                                
Said, "I've got a good sex life--I know it!                 
My heroic meter                                             
Will satisfy Peter                                          
Unless Ana pests and I blow it.                             
                                                            
56728 PUNS - LITERATE                Ann Gasser          P9307



I think it is mostly genetic,                               
But Ann seems to be apathetic.                              
Since she was begot,                                        
She sleeps quite a lot.                                     
She's now know as Ann Esthetic                              
                                                            
56729 PUNS - LITERATE                Jim Weaver Collection    



I love a bilingual pun.                                     
It doubles the word-play fun.                               
And with one tongue obscure,                                
The players are fewer.                                      
It's pretty much one-on-one.                                
                                                            
56730 PUNS - LITERATE                Norm                     



A venturesome sculptor, named Sloane,                       
Sculpted statues of Lassie from stone.                      
Lassie's agent got word,                                    
And said, "This is absurd,                                  
Collie modeling I cannot condone."                          
                                                            
56731 PUNS - LITERATE                Bob Giandomenico    P0106



In Paris a plumber named Reese                              
Said his girl was a very fine piece.                        
But her cunt was too dry,                                   
So this plumber so sly,                                     
Gave her pussy a full cup de grease.                        
                                                            
56732 PUNS - LITERATE                Al Chaplin          P0303



On festival days in antiquity,                              
Imbibing a potent brown liquid, he                          
Went out with the boys                                      
And created such noise --                                   
Producing a din of iniquity.                                
                                                            
56733 PUNS - LITERATE                Norm Storer         P9701



The sign says "This door is alarmed"                        
And I wonder at just what has harmed                        
This poor piece of wood,                                    
And maybe I should                                          
Stay with it until it has calmed.                           
                                                            
56734 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



A Irishman named Alexandre,                                 
While trekking up north as a wanderer,                      
Encountered thick ice                                       
And had to think twice;                                     
He'd stumbled upon Dublin tundra                            
                                                            
56735 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



A careless young skater named Fisk                          
Delighted to frolic and frisk                               
On thin ice in the bay,                                     
Though his parents would say,                               
It was foolish his small *.                                 
                                                            
56736 PUNS - LITERATE                A N Wilkins         P0211



Good puns are made, you can't breed 'em.                    
You must know what they say 'fore you read 'em.             
Yes, puns are the jewels                                    
That took our verbal tools                                  
Of communication and freed 'em.                             
                                                            
56737 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Though your vote will be eagerly sought                     
In the fray currently being fought.                         
You don't vote, you explain;                                
Politics are a pain,                                        
Yet a campaign provides feud for thought.                   
                                                            
56738 PUNS - LITERATE                Ester Koch          P0900



I've never met Oliver Clozoff,                              
Or Heywood Jablowme, the old sloth,                         
Or his friend, Ben Dover                                    
Or Neil Down from over                                      
On front street beside Jack Mehoff.                         
                                                            
56739 PUNS - LITERATE                Puff Adder         TP9807



Seymour Butz is his next door neighbor;                     
He lives with Fonda Dix in a trailer,                       
Across from Jack Schitt                                     
And his live-in Mike Litt,                                  
Ant their two dogs, Stay and Laythere.                      
                                                            
56740 PUNS - LITERATE                Puff Adder         TP9807



Oliver's frined, Willy Jabber,                              
Is in love with Wanda Grabber.                              
Their marriage is set                                       
To be performed by Juan Tibet,                              
Music by pianist Dick Schlobber.                            
                                                            
56741 PUNS - LITERATE                Puff Adder         TP9807



On some old-time paintings I've checked,                    
The nude girls are often bedecked                           
With some wispy stuff                                       
That covers their muff,                                     
Which damps one's lust... gauze and effect.                 
                                                            
56742 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



I guess though, the guy that did paint                      
These scenes was told "Man you just cain't                  
Portray all these cuties                                    
Displaying their bootys;                                    
'Twill only give gauze for complaint.                       
                                                            
56743 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



"Display of such items of charm                             
To prudes, may do them untold harm."                        
The painter thus places                                     
This film o'er such spaces                                  
That may well give gauze for alarm.                         
                                                            
56744 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Or was it just strange air pollution?                       
We now have a gauze of confusion.                           
Go look, statistician,                                      
At Rubens and Titian,                                       
Say if it's a gauze (Gauss) distribution.                   
                                                            
56745 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Not sure that it's gauze; I suspect                         
That those artists were often erect,                        
And while painting a muff                                   
They'd shoot jizzimy stuff                                  
On the canvas, to cause that effect.                        
                                                            
56746 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Such tricks as are "done" with the tongue,                  
Like limericks and girls who are young,                     
Are but thinly restrained                                   
And lingustically tamed;                                    
The number too many to be sung.                             
                                                            
56747 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Young Nina from Athens will lift                            
Her skirt, thus revealing her rift.                         
It's full of diseases                                       
And crab lice and fleases...                                
Beware, lads, of Greeks baring gifts.                       
                                                            
56748 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Our Danish Prince wasn't so big.                            
He rode around town in a gig.                               
The food he would scoff,                                    
With his head in the trough...                              
Our Hamlet's a very small pig.                              
                                                            
56749 PUNS - LITERATE                Tiddy Ogg                



Indulging in internet chatter,                              
Might locate chapeau on a platter.                          
But for custom chapeau,                                     
The best place you can go                                   
Is right to the mart of the hatter.                         
                                                            
56750 PUNS - LITERATE                Esther Koch         P0107



What you heard may not be what you heard.                   
And what's read may just seem quite absurd.                 
If you want a chuckle                                       
That might bust your buckle,                                
Then a good pun is its own reword.                          
                                                            
56751 PUNS - LITERATE                Observer                 



I received two books as a gift,                             
But I felt my attitude shift.                               
'Twixt Jonathan's satire                                    
And young Tom's new gyre,                                   
My turnaround was none too swift.                           
                                                            
56752 PUNS - LITERATE                P E Murphy               



Read Marshall, then Ivan; now shift.                        
Add Jonathan if you are miffed.                             
Where this reading will lead                                
Is reward for the deed,                                     
Justice, Terrible, and Swift.                               
                                                            
56753 PUNS - LITERATE                P E Murphy               



"The next time you make up a pun,"                          
A father once said to his son,                              
"Go out in the yard,                                        
And kick yourself hard,                                     
And I will begin when you've done."                         
                                                            
56754 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Lord Loverly sighed, "What's the matter                     
With my wife since she met that young satyr;                
Our rapport's a perplex.                                    
All she yaks of is sex.                                     
How I hate Lady Loverly's chatter."                         
                                                            
56755 PUNS - LITERATE                Bob Giandomenico    P0105



A cab driver's verse was quite stunning.                    
His poems, they had lots of punning.                        
Metric feet were a flop                                     
'Cause he just couldn't stop.                               
So he said that his meter was running.                      
                                                            
56756 PUNS - LITERATE                Kirk Miller              



Of all the world's verses recorded,                         
The ones we've most carefully hoarded                       
Are the limericks spun                                      
Which prove that the pun                                    
Is mightier, by far, than the sordid.                       
                                                            
56757 PUNS - LITERATE                Bob Giandomenico    P8801



The old garbage collector did find                          
That collection can be a big grind;                         
Because garbage must not                                    
Stay too long in one spot,                                  
For a waste is a bad thing to mind.                         
                                                            
56758 PUNS - LITERATE                Al Chaplin          P0303



Of course money is not alone                                
In serving as pun's grinding stone.                         
With parallels endless,                                     
Although he'll be friendless,                               
The punster need never atone.                               
                                                            
56759 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



Said Fisk to a lady named Yates,                            
"When I see you, my heart palpitates."                      
But she said to him, "Fisk,                                 
I have no *,                                                
Which is why I do not go on dates."                         
                                                            
56760 PUNS - LITERATE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2846



In the talent show's very last cuts,                        
Was a comic named Biff who's too nuts,                      
Two musicians, sans class,                                  
And a dancer's bare ass --                                  
No Biff and no bands and no butts.                          
                                                            
56761 PUNS - LITERATE                Dr Limerick              



It's easy for us to complain,                               
When somehow you don't have a brain.                        
We're here to have fun,                                     
With maybe a pun.                                           
So remember: No pain, no gain.                              
                                                            
56762 PUNS - LITERATE                Jim Weaver Collection    



A punner, a contest attended,                               
To enter ten puns he intended.                              
His ego was tossed,                                         
When finish line crossed.                                   
His effort, "no pun in ten did."                            
                                                            
56763 PUNS - LITERATE                Chris Papa               



A contest has recently ended                                
For quality puns which offended.                            
I entered again                                             
And submitted ten.                                          
As for winning, no pun in ten did.                          
                                                            
56764 PUNS - LITERATE                Res Ipsa                 



With color enough for twin spectra,                         
This plane really needs nothing extra.                      
As I walk to the back,                                      
I rejoice I wore black,                                     
For my Mourning Becomes Electra.                            
                                                            
56765 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



There once was a fellow named Fisk                          
Who placed, in his rectum, a disk.                          
When they said, "It's not safe,"                            
He replied with a chafe,                                    
"Be quiet, it's my *"                                       
                                                            
56766 PUNS - LITERATE                Keith Gilman        P0107



"In Boston," said Jane, "it makes sense                     
To go for the specialty: hence                              
I've come to get scrod."                                    
And her friend said, "That's odd,                           
You've used the past pluperfect tense."                     
                                                            
56767 PUNS - LITERATE                Isaac Asimov             



A young fan of E. Wharton's E. Frome                        
Penned a book in the den of his home.                       
At his friends' strong behest,                              
And convinced they knew best,                               
Then produced his one strange peer shaped tome.             
                                                            
56768 PUNS - LITERATE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



An English prof's incarceration                             
In a jail on a lake caused frustration.                     
His only delight:                                           
Monthly meets with his wife;                                
Would you call this penile conjugation?                     
                                                            
56769 PUNS - LITERATE                Conch                    



William Penn's uncles' wives saw a chance                   
To sell homemade pies at a dance.                           
The high cost of these pies                                 
Made folks criticise                                        
The outrageous pie rates of Penn's aunts.                   
                                                            
56770 PUNS - LITERATE                Bob Giandomenico    P8805



In the henhouse a chicken so wise                           
Wrote a book of her life mid the flies--                    
How her children were beaten                                
Before birth and were eaten--                               
The books title was Pullet Surprise.                        
                                                            
56771 PUNS - LITERATE                Albin Chaplin       P9203



A young writer of poems did surmise,                        
That reward for his talent was wise.                        
He asked for a pet.                                         
Then started to fret,                                       
When given a pullet surprise.                               
                                                            
56772 PUNS - LITERATE                Observer                 



To frighten the chicks Tom devises                          
Sheets of white, for turkeys, wise is.                      
His gobblin' will fool                                      
Those chicks so uncool,                                     
This poultry guised pullets surprises                       
                                                            
56773 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



A playwright, one Athol Fugard,                             
South africa's brightest new bard.                          
Said of Old QE2,                                            
"This simply won't do--                                     
I declare it's a real base Cunard."                         
                                                            
56774 PUNS - LITERATE                Norm Storer         P9606



Here's a limerick which some have heard                     
And pronounced as completely absurd.                        
Seems the Englishman May                                    
Addressed P. M. Roget,                                      
Saying, "Sir, may I have a quick word?"                     
                                                            
56775 PUNS - LITERATE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



A hungry lion came into camp;                               
One man reading, one writing by lamp.                       
The lion the reader chose                                   
For everyone knows                                          
Readers Digest, but writers cramp.                          
                                                            
56776 PUNS - LITERATE                Daniel Ford              



Coming on inter-library loan                                
She improved Egyptology's tone,                             
By translating the glyphs                                   
From notes which were Cliffs,                               
The bright talented Rosetta Stone.                          
                                                            
56777 PUNS - LITERATE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



She replied, "Herr Schindler, du biest                      
Zu grosse!" (She confessed to her priest                    
That although she liked mine                                
And Tiddy's just fine,                                      
She preferred Otto Schindler's least)                       
                                                            
56778 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



He tottered towards home, but he missed                     
Providing town gossips more grist                           
For their bad-mouthing mill,                                
And I guess they are still                                  
Making fun of poor Schindler's list.                        
                                                            
56779 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



"Hey Otto, you there?" calls his boss.                      
To the four winds his words they are tossed.                
He's not to be found,                                       
In the country around...                                    
'Cause everyone knows Schindler's lost.                     
                                                            
56780 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



He looks at young Ula's firm bust,                          
And says "Schoene madchen, you must                         
Come with me to bed,                                        
And wide your legs spread."...                              
That's right, it's the famed Schindler's lust.              
                                                            
56781 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



His wife now calls "Liebling, wo bist?"                     
And there, in a brandy fume mist,                           
Does stand our friend Otto,                                 
He's totally blotto,                                        
Or as we Brits say: Schindler's pissed.                     
                                                            
56782 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



There was a young student of Kent                           
Who worked doubled up in a tent.                            
When his friends asked "Why so?"                            
He replied "I don't know.                                   
I suppose it's my scholarly bent."                          
                                                            
56783 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



As a callipygian form stuns,                                
So those wordsmiths who cook up their runs,                 
Excite maximum sway,                                        
And achieve their best play,                                
When they're baking a share of great puns.                  
                                                            
56784 PUNS - LITERATE                Bob Giandomenico    P9812



A classicist somewhat lupine,                               
Married a latinist he thought divine.                       
At any rate                                                 
They would conjugate,                                       
Till she said, "I must decline."                            
                                                            
56785 PUNS - LITERATE                Dick Ford                



The surveyor, Ms. Gloria Pitt,                              
Used an optical tool 'til it quit.                          
So Ms. Pitt with chagrin                                    
Had to pack it all in,                                      
Due to Ms. Gloria's sic transit.                            
                                                            
56786 PUNS - LITERATE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



The book peddler, Simon from Wooster                        
Once tickled a lady and goosed her.                         
Whereupon she lost poise                                    
And she made a great noise.                                 
"Please be quiet," said Simon and shooshed her.             
                                                            
56787 PUNS - LITERATE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2843



The thesaurus editor's goal                                 
Was consummate diet control.                                
At lunch he said, "Please,                                  
I am somewhat obese,                                        
So I'll just have a synonym roll."                          
                                                            
56788 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



It's the punsters that give me the giddies;                 
I think they are after our biddies.                         
And what temptress would not                                
Rush off at the thought                                     
Of being the tail of two cities?                            
                                                            
56789 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



A new book most people enthralls                            
Now selling at all major malls.                             
Unless you're low brow                                      
Get your copy now:                                          
"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls.                      
                                                            
56790 PUNS - LITERATE                                         



A man may find after he strolls                             
Out in rain with his shoes full of holes,                   
One should use a gazette                                    
On the shoes when they're wet.                              
These Times really do dry men's soles.                      
                                                            
56791 PUNS - LITERATE                Bob Giandomenico    P9004



Reviewers have leveled attacks,                             
At the authors of dull paperbacks,                          
Whose writing they rap,                                     
As an excell of pap,                                        
From the trite side, they say, of the racks.                
                                                            
56792 PUNS - LITERATE                Bob Giandomenico    P9704



He'd been non-fluent since childhood days.                  
His folks thought it was merely a phase.                    
In speech he'd hem and haw                                  
Interject uh, ah, aw,                                       
And annoy with the er of his ways.                          
                                                            
56793 PUNS - LITERATE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



We students were not very fond                              
Of reading the verse "Walden Pond."                         
It was old and outdated                                     
And way overrated;                                          
From the class we did try to abscond.                       
                                                            
56794 PUNS - LITERATE                Guy Ben-Moshe            



The teacher made a pointed threat:                          
More homework we all would get.                             
"You'll read and give explanation                           
'Bout lives of quiet desperation,                           
'Cause I am not thoreau with you yet!"                      
                                                            
56795 PUNS - LITERATE                Guy Ben-Moshe            



Every lady that I've dated heretofore,                      
Wrote me poems, 'fore she crossed my door.                  
There'd be no confusion                                     
That her body I'm usin',                                    
'Cause she'd know from the start what I metaphor.           
                                                            
56796 PUNS - LITERATE                Guy Ben-Moshe            



The purveyor of cookies, Max Moon,                          
Never counted his blessings too soon.                       
So when Lorna, his wife,                                    
Left him for the "good life",                               
He was shocked and asked, "What's Lorna doin'?"             
                                                            
56797 PUNS - LITERATE                Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



Alex Bell, praised often in poems,                          
Matters not how just how far he roams.                      
He can never go wrong;                                      
It seems that his dong                                      
Knows the way.  For Bell, the tool homes.                   
                                                            
56798 PUNS - LITERATE                Ericka                   



I heard about Graham's Bell-end                             
And all of the twats it did rend.                           
This fellow, though dapper,                                 
Possessed such a clapper,                                   
That every gal was his friend.                              
                                                            
56799 PUNS - LITERATE                SFA                      



At the leather store, Parker and Knowles,                   
With punches they beaver like moles.                        
But neither retails                                         
The client's details...                                     
So ask not for whom the belt holes.                         
                                                            
56800 PUNS - LITERATE                Tiddy Ogg                



Will somebody tell Brother Bruno                            
That sex during Lent is a no-no?                            
Is that Golda's task-a?                                     
I don't know, Alaska.                                       
I know but how would a Juneau?                              
                                                            
56801 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



There was an Australian named Clyson;                       
They asked if he had seen a bison.                          
He replied, "Why you bloke,                                 
This is some kind of joke?                                  
Why a bison's what I wash my fice in."                      
                                                            
56802 PUNS - LOCATION                Albin Chaplin            



An ancient explorer named Wright,                           
Discovered a bay one fine night.                            
He gave it his name                                         
But he sank, just the same...                               
His Barque was far worse than his bight.                    
                                                            
56803 PUNS - LOCATION                Tiddy Ogg                



An old tamer of tigers named Stu,                           
Had an animal act not quite new.                            
Being chewed, mauled withal                                 
He retired to Nepal                                         
Pray, what else would a big cat man do?                     
                                                            
56804 PUNS - LOCATION                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9611



There was a young lady from Kent,                           
Who asked me, "Hey, are you the gent,                       
Who sells folk that glue,                                   
You mix sand with too,                                      
For building?"  I know what cement.                         
                                                            
56805 PUNS - LOCATION                Tiddy Ogg                



In China a forger Ah Su Ling                                
Disguised a tin can for a sting.                            
A curator thought it                                        
A bargain and bought it;                                    
How she loves the can who would be Ming.                    
                                                            
56806 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



There was a young fellow with zest,                         
Who strolled on the pier at Key West.                       
He liked being seen                                         
In the Caribbean,                                           
And never cared a bean for the rest.                        
                                                            
56807 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



Parnella, a hooker, indeed,                                 
Was adept killing men's carnal need.                        
A trice on her belly,                                       
Turned johns into jelly,                                    
As, "Slay it again, Pam," they'd plead.                     
                                                            
56808 PUNS - LOCATION                Bob Giandomenico    P0212



A comedian tabby named Jill                                 
Headed a New York twin bill.                                
They rolled in the aisles;                                  
They all left with smiles.                                  
Jill mused, "I just guess it's Catskill..."                 
                                                            
56809 PUNS - LOCATION                Tutta Gioia              



These two nuts were out taking a walk,                      
One night in old Central Park...                            
Late one night,                                             
The moon, not bright,                                       
The shadows were growing quite dark.                        
                                                            
56810 PUNS - LOCATION                Gearhart                 



Footsteps  behind them grew near;                           
The first nut he ran off in fear.                           
The second held ground,                                     
Stopped, turned around,                                     
Then screamed out for all to hear.                          
                                                            
56811 PUNS - LOCATION                Gearhart                 



The press that night was halted,                            
But interviews only resulted                                
In nothing more                                             
That headlines which bore                                   
ONE NUT RAN -- ONE A-SALTED.                                
                                                            
56812 PUNS - LOCATION                Gearhart                 



Wanted breakfast, shops closed but don't sweat it.          
If I miss a meal I won't regret it.                         
But we did find a diner,                                    
A perfect one-liner.                                        
The name of the place?  "Cum and Get It".                   
                                                            
56813 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



On the river, canoeing with Freddy,                         
A maiden declared she was ready;                            
But while they were busy                                    
They both became dizzy,                                     
Because they were caught in an eddy.                        
                                                            
56814 PUNS - LOCATION                Ed Potts            P8607



Near old Scotland's North Sea's craggy cliffs,              
Lassies there avoid family rifts;                           
Descend steeps in the dark                                  
Wrapped in a Cutty Sark                                     
As they go down to the see in shifts.                       
                                                            
56815 PUNS - LOCATION                Loren C. Fitrzhugh  P9607



At the zoo, all the wallabies frown;                        
Their habitat's dull grey and brown.                        
Says their Irish designer,                                  
"Bold hues would be finer.                                  
Me plan?  Dye me kangaroo town!"                            
                                                            
56816 PUNS - LOCATION                Paul Lusch          P9410



A yak saw a yak and thought, "She's                         
Just the one."  Forced her down to her knees,               
And kept pumping inside                                     
For a day till she cried,                                   
"Oh my God!  Can I Everest, please!"                        
                                                            
56817 PUNS - LOCATION                Peter Wilkins            



Two brothers bought some new digs;                          
Started raising cattle and pigs.                            
Their dad said, "For fame,                                  
You need a good name."                                      
So they checked out some good usenet sigs.                  
                                                            
56818 PUNS - LOCATION                Rusty Smith              



The Internet search brought defeat,                         
So their father the boys did entreat.                       
He said, "Boys, do not blanch,                              
Call the place 'Focus Ranch',                               
'Cause that's where the sun's rays meet."                   
                                                            
56819 PUNS - LOCATION                Rusty Smith              



A "ham" operator named Dwight                               
Gave a girlie a horrible fright,                            
By saying, "Your Rube                                       
Can't match my big tube,                                    
And I hope to get India tonight."                           
                                                            
56820 PUNS - LOCATION                Grand Prix Lim  264      



Our dear Cynth, at the young age of four,                   
When her mother had just waxed the floor,                   
Told her daughter so fair,                                  
That you can't go in there,                                 
Repent and go in, Cyn, no more!                             
                                                            
56821 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



A young Down East pilot named Sanger                        
Was decked by a girl in the hangar.                         
She asked where in Maine                                    
He was flying his plane,                                    
And he said he was going to Bangor.                         
                                                            
56822 PUNS - LOCATION                World Bst Drty Lims P0101



For sometime I have known without fail                      
On this fantasy voyage I would sail.                        
If Yale locks mount the guard                               
In the revered Harvard Yard,                                
Quid Pro Quo, Harvard beets at Olde Yale?                   
                                                            
56823 PUNS - LOCATION                Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



I knew I was suffering from Puns                            
But my doctor said, "Switzerland Nuns."                     
Now my hearing is poor                                      
So I said, "Are you sure?"                                  
And he laughed and said, "Squits and the runs."             
                                                            
56824 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



In Calcutta a fey Asiatic                                   
Wrote odes in his gray city attic.                          
Though written to speak to me,                              
These odes were all Greek to me,                            
A Spartan, no old crazy Attic.                              
                                                            
56825 PUNS - LOCATION                Laurence Perrine    P9206



French Swim suits of Sarah O'Hara's,                        
Resulted in feels of her bare ass.                          
To one guy her response                                     
Was a kick in the schwantz,                                 
"That's the last time," he groaned, "I paw Sarah's."        
                                                            
56826 PUNS - LOCATION                Bob Giandomenico    P9808



Rose the soul of an old house, amazed;                      
It's half-lidded windows were glazed.                       
"They pulled me apart,                                      
Took me off in a cart.                                      
Yes, this is the place I was razed."                        
                                                            
56827 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



I watched as my ducks copulated,                            
And later the eggs confiscated;                             
I took them to England,                                     
That arboreal green land,                                   
Where a dozen have all in Kew bated.                        
                                                            
56828 PUNS - LOCATION                TuttaGioia               



A crazy young fellow from Slane,                            
Had some odd sort of thoughts in his brain.                 
He swam the rivers of France,                               
Led the gendarmes in dance,                                 
And though guilty, they found him in Seine.                 
                                                            
56829 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



He peered at me over the casement                           
To protest to me on his placement.                          
His eyes snapped with fire,                                 
"I ought to be higher!                                      
It's too damp down here in debasement!                      
                                                            
56830 PUNS - LOCATION                Marlene Lewis            



The Indy-car drivers composure                              
Was rocked by the recent disclosure                         
That their fumes and their smoke                            
Consistently broke                                          
The laws for Indy-scent-exposure.                           
                                                            
56831 PUNS - LOCATION                P. Pipers                



In Afghanistan they make no bones                           
About paving--no onerous loans                              
For asphalt, concrete,                                      
Or bricks in the street.                                    
They always put down Kabul stones.                          
                                                            
56832 PUNS - LOCATION                A. N. Wilkins       P9206



A Missouri cat lover took pity                              
On a stray with a coat that was pretty.                     
But then faced eviction                                     
For rental restriction.                                     
Said he only could lease sans his kitty.                    
                                                            
56833 PUNS - LOCATION                Bob Giandomenico    P9608



The gunk in Lake Erie's reducible.                          
'Twould be good if the lake were more usable.               
To stop the pollution                                       
Would be the solution,                                      
And again make Lake Irreproducible.                         
                                                            
56834 PUNS - LOCATION                Robert J. Bates     P9802



Sarah Bernhart, along with Frank Harris,                    
Left the Louvre and strolled on the terrace.                
Defending her tits,                                         
She kneed Frank who said "It's                              
The last time I paw Sarah's."                               
                                                            
56835 PUNS - LOCATION                Arthur Deex         P9701



Sweet Lisa most surely can tease a                          
Young man with her wiles, for she's a                       
Titillation to touch,                                       
And she seems so for such,                                  
Is the great teening power of Lisa.                         
                                                            
56836 PUNS - LOCATION                Bob Giandomenico    P0202



A Polish girl, tender of heart,                             
And a Polish lad, lonely but smart,                         
Might have been bound together                              
In Loves's lovely tether,                                   
Had they met, but they lived Poles apart.                   
                                                            
56837 PUNS - LOCATION                Laurence Perrine    P8911



In the Netherlands city of Polder                           
Lived a girl who had eyes that would smolder                
With lust, like a fox.                                      
So we'd hide in the rocks,                                  
Where my marbles would quickly get boulder.                 
                                                            
56838 PUNS - LOCATION                Tiddy Ogg                



Said the Caliph, "Despite my excursion                      
Which resulted in widespread conversion,                    
I can't tell one clan                                       
From the rest in Iran.                                      
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.                    
                                                            
56839 PUNS - LOCATION                A. N. Wilkins       P8407



There was a young fellow named Lance,                       
Who pawned his last pair of pants,                          
To bet on a horse,                                          
And the nag lost, of course;                                
Well it should, 'twas called Norfolk Enchants.              
                                                            
56840 PUNS - LOCATION                Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young man from Albania                          
Who suffered from megalomania;                              
But an omnipotence                                          
Just didn't make sense,                                     
And potency bursts were in vania.                           
                                                            
56841 PUNS - LOCATION                Bill Backe-Hansen   P9206



To save Chinese women from freaking,                        
The Great China Wall, broadly speaking,                     
Was, no doubt, erected                                      
'Cause it was expected                                      
To keep wicked voyeurs from Peking!                         
                                                            
56842 PUNS - LOCATION                Observer                 



Will you see what gascon really means?                      
My understanding wasn't worth beans.                        
Instead of brag man,                                        
I thought it meant red can,                                 
That holds English gasolines!                               
                                                            
56843 PUNS - LOCATION                Crispy                   



A pretty Hawaiian, one day,                                 
Found it difficult getting away.                            
She'd approached a young tourist                            
Who was not of the purest,                                  
Saying, "Would you like to purchase a lei?"                 
                                                            
56844 PUNS - LOCATION                Isaac Asimov             



A Chinaman touring the Nile                                 
Said, "The Sphinx doesn't seem quite my style,              
But yonder there be                                         
Other ruins I see.                                          
I'll pyramid those for a while.                             
                                                            
56845 PUNS - LOCATION                Jim Weaver Collection    



Went to Branson last week in the winter;                    
Saw a sign there, made me want to enter.                    
I re-thought that plan                                      
After reading again;                                        
'Twas the "Dewey Short Visitors Center."                    
                                                            
56846 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



I once met this gal from down under,                        
Whose heritage split me asunder.                            
She from Alice Springs                                      
And Sydney. She sings.                                      
I am Alice's and Sydney's great wonder.                     
                                                            
56847 PUNS - LOCATION                Sumaq                    



A circus ringmaster called Thripp,                          
At dusk, with a crack of his whip,                          
Made all the girls sing,                                    
And run round the ring,                                     
Performing a lewd Sunset Strip.                             
                                                            
56848 PUNS - LOCATION                Jim Weaver Collection    



A milliner in Zermatt, forlorn,                             
At the loss of his prized Alpine horn,                      
And, unable to yodel,                                       
His sadness was total,                                      
So this made the Swiss hatter mourn.                        
                                                            
56849 PUNS - LOCATION                Bob Giandomenico    P0103



Once in a US west coast disco,                              
I paid for a bout with miss Mishko.                         
She wanted to fly                                           
To the UK but I                                             
Just left my tart in San Francisco.                         
                                                            
56850 PUNS - LOCATION                                         



They've taken a Polack joke poll                            
And found that they're mostly un-droll;                     
For great wits won't touch                                  
A theme such as such,                                       
Not even with a ten foot Pole.                              
                                                            
56851 PUNS - LOCATION                Irving Superior     P8909



Roused from sleep, archeologist Stone                       
Found two Persians in quarrel full-blown.                   
With a thigh-bone, I'm told,                                
He knocked them both cold-                                  
Thus stilling two Kurds with one bone!                      
                                                            
56852 PUNS - LOCATION                Martin Bristow SmithP0103



There was an old girl of Uganda,                            
Renowned for her coolness and candor.                       
When, during abuse,                                         
Her spouse yelled, "You goose!"                             
She quickly retorted, "Uganda!"                             
                                                            
56853 PUNS - LOCATION                Langford Reed            



A bikini-clad girl named Lenore                             
Got exhausted while swimming to shore.                      
The entire lifeguard crew                                   
All came to the rescue;                                     
They thought she was worth wading for!                      
                                                            
56854 PUNS - LOCATION                Observer                 



If jungle or desert be crossed,                             
You'll need a Tates compass -- low cost.                    
The accuracy                                                
May be suspect -- thus he                                   
Who has a Tates surely is lost.                             
                                                            
56855 PUNS - LOCATION                Tiddy Ogg                



An old sourdough near Cripple Creek                         
Felt a presence of which he won't speak.                    
'Round his dying campfire,                                  
He sensed smoldering ire.                                   
'Twas the ghost of Zeb Pike's widow's pique.                
                                                            
56856 PUNS - LOCATION                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9604



Two acrobats stopped for a drink                            
From two glasses set out on the sink.                       
But one acrobat stumbled,                                   
Their glasses both fumbled:                                 
Four tumblers were tumbled -- clink, clink!                 
                                                            
56857 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Laurence Perrine    P8403



Said a cat, as he playfully threw                           
His wife down a well in Peru,                               
"Relax, dearest Thora,                                      
Please don't be angora,                                     
I was only artesian you."                                   
                                                            
56858 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Linda Marsh Coll         



In the mystical land of Trefoil,                            
Nothing will grow in the soil.                              
But they have it made,                                      
Thanks to profits from trade;                               
Their exports Are Zircon and Oil.                           
                                                            
56859 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Dr Limerick              



I'm thorium talking tho slow.                               
I bit off my tungsten, you know.                            
Bring out the black crepe,                                  
'Cause I'm in no shape                                      
For any oratorio.                                           
                                                            
56860 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Jim Weaver Collection    



In Brazil the miners spend each day                         
Mining gold in the old fashioned way.                       
They use a sluice box                                       
To sort out the rocks,                                      
And each week end up weighing their pay.                    
                                                            
56861 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Tom Patton          P0111



If your landlady says that she might                        
Throw you out of your condo at night,                       
Don't take all that guff!                                   
Stand tall; call her bluff.                                 
Remember Condo Lessee Right                                 
                                                            
56862 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Dr Limerick              



Said an old sailor to impudent help,                        
"If you get your legs tangled in kelp,                      
Or with the anchor chain,                                   
Then kindly refrain                                         
From running to me for some help!"                          
                                                            
56863 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Observer                 



Biggles, flying ace, chased the hun;                        
With Ginger and Algy had fun.                               
But you must take care,                                     
When you're up in the air,                                  
'Cause Biggles always flies undone.                         
(I don't get it - McW)                                      
56864 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Tony Burrell             



There was a young fellow who started                        
To fuck with Miss Cash, but she farted.                     
He said, "I'm a fool.                                       
Her farts foul my tool."                                    
So the fool and Miss Cash were soon parted.                 
                                                            
56865 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1233



In the tropics, soft notes that subsist,                    
Stately palms by warm breezes are kissed,                   
And their boughs gently sway,                               
Gives one pause to assay,                                   
Sweet refrains from the noble fronds list.                  
                                                            
56866 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Bob Giandomenico    P0401



A forgetful professor was Gore;                             
His actions his wife would abhor.                           
He caused nothing but strife                                
When he slammed his dear wife                               
And proceeded to fuck with the door.                        
                                                            
56867 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2087



The garbagemen made a proposal.                             
The client agreed, saying, "Those'll                        
Be the terms for a year."                                   
They replied, "Don't you fear.                              
We are always at your disposal."                            
                                                            
56868 PUNS - PEOPLE                                           



Mick Jagger once chewed on some Swedes                      
That came to a concert in Leeds;                            
They had to convict 'im                                     
Because of the dictum                                       
That we not bite the fan that us heeds.                     
                                                            
56869 PUNS - PEOPLE                                           



An incompetent king on a throne,                            
Whose poor leadership, unrest has sown,                     
Is a monarch who's sort,                                    
As absurd as a wart,                                        
Is less use than that thing on a crone.                     
                                                            
56870 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Bob Giandomenico         



"It's confusing," the Joint Chiefs all say.                 
"It appears any number can play.                            
What are the attractions                                    
Of disparate factions                                       
And just who are these Kurds any Whey?"                     
                                                            
56871 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9611



Once a knight called Sir Menper, did go                     
Through the lake to save damsels in woe.                    
Then he lit a huge fire                                     
For to dry their attire...                                  
Horse is wet, Menper's pyre, ladies glow!                   
                                                            
56872 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



Luke O'Cyte just adored Mary Jane,                          
But then he met loving Elaine.                              
Two cells that pass                                         
In the night, alas,                                         
Their love, after all, was in vein.                         
                                                            
56873 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Al Willis           P9507



There once was an explorer called Burke,                    
Whose lamp died in the jungle's night murk.                 
So he said to his band:                                     
"Men, raise your right hand",                               
And it showed many hands make light work.                   
                                                            
56874 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Prof M-G                 



A member of Mensa, Abe Rosen,                               
He thought he was among the chosen.                         
In spite of the cynics,                                     
He embraced cryogenics                                      
For many are cold, but few frozen.                          
                                                            
56875 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Robert V. Davis     P9609



A well-known mesmerist ranted,                              
That a spell could not be recanted.                         
"Could it be?", was the question,                           
"Post-hypnotic suggestion,                                  
Is a thought that's forever trance-planted?"                
                                                            
56876 PUNS - PEOPLE                                           



What question was asked, you suppose,                       
Of the new Mom, sweet young Lida Rose?                      
"Have you chosen a name                                     
For this lad bound for fame?"                               
"Waylin, 'cause he's mighty lachrymose,"                    
                                                            
56877 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



Marceau was just standing, white faced,                     
But I shot him from total distaste;                         
The judge took the time                                     
To explain that a mime,                                     
Is a terrible thing just to waste.                          
                                                            
56878 PUNS - PEOPLE                                           



Ms. Noonan, of the Isle of White,                           
Her son, Mornin, clever and bright.                         
For his manner, pristine;                                   
He was dubbed by the queen.                                 
Now he's Mornin Noonan Knight                               
                                                            
56879 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



Last Fall the boy said, "It's not fair.                     
Fido bit me just now on the stair."                         
Said his sister, "I fear                                    
It's just that time of year                                 
When there's often a nip in the heir."                      
                                                            
56880 PUNS - PEOPLE                  A. N. Wilkins       P9206



Electric power was our jewel                                
Till the prices became so cruel.                            
It should be our goal                                       
To expand use of coal,                                      
Because there's no fuel like an old fuel                    
                                                            
56881 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Tom Patton          P0105



Roget had an awful concussion;                              
Synonymized every discussion.                               
The enchanting Miss Yokitov                                 
Said, "Would you please knock it off!                       
I'm not in a hurry, I'm RUSSIAN!"                           
                                                            
56882 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Lassies Lover      TP9806



May and June, two ladies, I hear,                           
Visiting cannibals, went too near.                          
Said Dave to Mike:                                          
What's that bit taste like?"                                
"It's hammy, Dave, is June's ear."                          
                                                            
56883 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Tony Burrell             



A pooper of parties at best,                                
Will make for a lackluster guest.                           
With no stories nor tricks,                                 
Never sweetening the mix,                                   
Only serving to nether your fest.                           
                                                            
56884 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Bob Giandomenico    P0101



I once knocked a foul-mouthed screwball,                    
From a building of 10 stories tall.                         
Even though I protested,                                    
I still was arrested                                        
For making an obscene clone fall.                           
                                                            
56885 PUNS - PEOPLE                                           



"Outdoor camping is my preference,"                         
Said a sadist, "And in consequence,                         
A wigwam is where                                           
I will pull my girl's hair,                                 
To make sure that the pain is in tents."                    
                                                            
56886 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Isaac Asimov             



Haikus are just for the birds;                              
Limericks are beloved by nerds.                             
There's lot of fun                                          
Here under the sun                                          
In punning and playing on words.                            
                                                            
56887 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Monique de Plume         



A salesman selling ads, name of Rand,                       
At the beach had a thought that was grand.                  
For his biggest client                                      
The ad would be giant;                                      
He started with a line on the sand.                         
                                                            
56888 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Tom Patton          P0203



A careless chef badly mistook,                              
A quite poisonous fish for a snook.                         
A judge hearing of it,                                      
Served the restaurant a writ,                               
Which made the chef, court order shook.                     
                                                            
56889 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Bob Giandomenico    P0401



I have heard an indelicate rumor                            
About the Editer's (sic) humor.                             
He likes a sick pun.                                        
If a cancerous one,                                         
It's even more fun if there's tumor!                        
                                                            
56890 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Laurence Perrine    P9206



A seasoned wire walker named Hall                           
Had a spring in his step known to all,                      
Till he took a bad trip,                                    
Leaving people to quip,                                     
How the spring in his step became fall.                     
                                                            
56891 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Robbabe                  



A steelworker once said, "I felt                            
So bad with the hand I was dealt,                           
For my old sense of smell                                   
Was now going to hell,                                      
But look at the steel that I smelt!"                        
                                                            
56892 PUNS - PEOPLE                  John Dohner         P8801



What's the difference 'twixt old fogy Vic                   
And the passion to multiply quick                           
In an Irishman's blood?                                     
One's a stick in the mud,                                   
And the other's a stud in a mick!                           
                                                            
56893 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Anon                     



Since stenopads are used by stenographers,                  
And photos are snapped by photographers,                    
I guess by deduction,                                       
They call liposuction                                       
Administers simply suckographers.                           
                                                            
56894 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Jon Gearhart             



That job, Jon, must really be grand;                        
To take wobbly flesh in your hand,                          
And suck out what fills...                                  
Then send massive bills,                                    
And live off the fat of the land.                           
                                                            
56895 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Tiddy Ogg                



Said a pun that my wife didn't like.                        
Moved away so her fist wouldn't strike.                     
And I knew that she'd plead                                 
That a stroll, I did need.                                  
Sure enough, she replied, "Take a hike!"                    
                                                            
56896 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Kirk Miller              



What's the difference: one guy's volunteered                
To peel onions; the other's been sheared                    
Of his locks on the side?                                   
One's become teary-eyed,                                    
And the other's become tidy-eared!                          
                                                            
56897 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Cyber Geezer             



A novelist, wedded to scenes,                               
Disapproved of by othodox deans,                            
Observed, "It is true                                       
That my stories are blue,                                   
But they're told to the ultra-marines."                     
                                                            
56898 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Anon Punch 1924   (Bibby)



A scullery boy from Granada                                 
Seduced a young maid in the larder.                         
Her modest denials                                          
Soon succumbed to his wiles.                                
The moral? If thwarted, try ardour.                         
                                                            
56899 PUNS - PEOPLE                  John Dole           P9604



As I age, and my judgment matures,                          
I've adopted good taste which assures                       
That my values hold true,                                   
So I say this to you:                                       
Now that I've upped my standards, up yours.                 
                                                            
56900 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Jerry Nordal        P0301



Sowing grain on a cold, widswept hill,                      
Each young monk is praying that he'll                       
Be sent to his bed                                          
Due to his frozen head;                                     
The lucky one Wins Tonsure Chill.                           
                                                            
56901 PUNS - PEOPLE                  Dr Limerick              



If out on a date you are stricken,                          
With choking on Maryland chicken,                           
The Heimlich works best                                     
On girls with small breasts --                              
Rely on an A-bra Heimlichin'.                               
                                                            
56902 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Abe's web site will sure set you thinkin',                  
'Bout copin' while cuttin' down drinkin'.                   
It's amazin' to see,                                        
Its popularity;                                             
Everybody's to Abraham linkin'.                             
                                                            
56903 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



In a rathskellar, just about bar time,                      
Al orders a round for the last time;                        
But Klaus, Hans and Fritz                                   
Were calling it quits,                                      
So to die fraulein said Albert, "Ein stein."                
                                                            
56904 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Young Nina would stay up quite late                         
With Alex, her helpful young mate,                          
And grate moldy cheese                                      
That dripped to her knees.                                  
(I saw Alex hand 'er the grate.)                            
                                                            
56905 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS                                  



A certain chef MacIntosh, I hear,                           
Invented a raincoat to wear                                 
In weather inclement.                                       
Was this the same gent                                      
Famous as apple pie on ear?                                 
                                                            
56906 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tony Burrell             



Lynda's French aunt came to her fin;                        
The funeral flowers were grim.                              
Bouquets made her weep.                                     
She asked, "Were they cheap?"                               
The price was a wreath a franc, Lyn.                        
                                                            
56907 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tony Burrell             



"I love my new baby," gushed Mandy,                         
"The Mahatma made adoption so handy."                       
Then with a smile and a dimple,                             
She said, "It's so simple.                                  
It's like taking a baby from Ghandi."                       
                                                            
56908 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Jim Weaver Collection    



In comedy there is much scope                               
For a man who isn't a dope.                                 
There's plenty of blokes                                    
To write you good jokes;                                    
That's something that gave Bob hope.                        
                                                            
56909 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tony Burrell             



His bit was new bent all to Hell;                           
You'd think this would not augur well,                      
But may bode well still,                                    
Though he's bent a drill,                                   
He has a bowed derrick.  She's swell!                       
                                                            
56910 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Garry Hallock            



Come sit down, and grab you some beers;                     
There's sport on TV; have no fears.                         
Now, quit all this cavillin',                               
That gal with the javelin,                                  
You just see how Brittany Spears.                           
                                                            
56911 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tiddy Ogg                



The west coast of France, it appears,                       
Has jetties, all mounted in tiers.                          
I think that is right,                                      
'Cause Pete said I might                                    
Get excited by Brittany's piers.                            
                                                            
56912 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tiddy Ogg                



A stout Amerind Squaw made a pitch                          
To drum in the tribal rite niche.                           
When the chief gave consent,                                
To a war-dance she went,                                    
And played like a great ruddy bitch.                        
                                                            
56913 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9606



It's well known that Frederick Chopin                       
Was the grand paramour of George Sand.                      
He brought her some stones                                  
And a house of her own --                                   
Man, did Chopin p&.                                         
                                                            
56914 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Keith Gilman             



In Poland he's known as a cavorter;                         
Dates a girl as a way to reward her.                        
But the girls are all wise                                  
To these kind of guys.                                      
They laugh as they call him Pole Courter.                   
                                                            
56915 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tom Patton               



Had primitive islands been kinder                           
To Darwin, the famous sci-finder,                           
He wouldn't have eaten                                      
That simian meat 'n'                                        
Become the first origin grinder.                            
                                                            
56916 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Keith Gilman        P0202



A butchy, androgynous chick,                                
Penis envy had truly heart-sick,                            
With her gender confused,                                   
From the closet effused,                                    
Re-naming herself Dyke van Dick.                            
                                                            
56917 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9605



The parrot I kept in a carton,                              
Escaped so the fun was just startin'.                       
Flying high in the air,                                     
Zigzagging everywhere,                                      
How I love to see Polly dartin'.                            
                                                            
56918 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tom Patton          P0107



An old British butler, McFunt,                              
Has been canned for a ghastly affront.                      
At a recent affair,                                         
He welcomed one pair                                        
As "The Deck and the Dootchess of Kunt!"                    
                                                            
56919 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Norm Storer              



Zen Master Bob Hayakawa                                     
To maladroit students empower,                              
Passed up meditation                                        
For remediation;                                            
Teaching the Maladroit High Zen Hour.                       
                                                            
56920 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Asbury, envoy of John Wesley,                               
Saving souls from the temptations fleshly,                  
Said, "I dislike the Fauns,                                 
Faeries, Leprechauns,                                       
And I hate a young Elf, expressly."                         
                                                            
56921 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



The story of Emily's ghost:                                 
She once surfed the net; now she's toast.                   
I was reading the news,                                     
(After a few brews)                                         
And I swear I saw Emily Post.                               
                                                            
56922 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Jim Weaver Collection    



A sign shop owner was quite arty;                           
He made signs for a second party.                           
To a florist one day,                                       
He had this to say,                                         
"You should name your shop Floral and Hearty."              
                                                            
56923 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tom Patton          P0303



When Proctor entrapped her and focked her,                  
She soon had to call for the doctor.                        
So the moral, they say,                                     
If you're going to play,                                    
It is best not to Gamble with Proctor.                      
                                                            
56924 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Albin Chaplin   3024-2050



Bea Arthur said, "It just frustrates me,                    
How the gun control issue awaits the                        
Elected to alter."                                          
For that none can fault her,                                
Yet it's odd how own-a-gat grates Bea.                      
                                                            
56925 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9602



This dancer, athletic, no nelly,                            
Had the genius to greatly excell; he                        
Was strong, supple, fleet                                   
And his talented feet                                       
Could churn puddled streets to keen jelly.                  
                                                            
56926 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9608



White House plumbing sounds like a bassoon;                 
In showers, presidents like to croon.                       
Melodic ablution                                            
Is the solution;                                            
We'd like to hear George wash in tune.                      
                                                            
56927 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tony Burrell             



She misplaced her favorite cassette,                        
And broke the knight from her chess set;                    
Spent the evening alone,                                    
When her beau didn't phone --                               
By such problems is Jacqueline beset.                       
                                                            
56928 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Lizabeth's image makes John catch his breath;               
But she also scares him to death;                           
He sits nervous, alone                                      
And can't pick up the phone --                              
He tries, but John Cannot Call Beth.                        
                                                            
56929 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



In the tea house's loo, girls would remain                  
Suiting up for their league soccer game;                    
Distressing the matrons                                     
So a new sign says "Patrons                                 
Who are using the John may not change."                     
                                                            
56930 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



The actyor would view with disdain,                         
Any co-star whose role was inane,                           
A vapid persona,                                            
Begot no corona,                                            
For the Duke couldn't stand a wan Jane.                     
                                                            
56931 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9605



For singers and folks in show-biz,                          
Academia ain't a great whiz.                                
What once they were taught                                  
Is of no import,                                            
But for our friend Johnny, math is.                         
                                                            
56932 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tony Burrell             



The cow of O'Leary, we learned,                             
Kicked the lamp that all Chicago burned.                    
She was kicking at                                          
A pesky barn cat;                                           
In this way did the Cat, Errin', Help Burn.                 
                                                            
56933 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Although he was merely a stripling,                         
Young Mowgli's huge muscle was rippling;                    
On seeing Akela                                             
He wasn't a failure                                         
And gave 'er a Ruddy 'ard Kipling.                          
(I don't know, I've never Kippled - old joke - McW)         
56934 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS                                  



Said Martin, "The Church's a dung-hill;                     
I shan't slack my efforts until                             
I can look back and say                                     
We have found a new way,                                    
And then the Lord Ran Off Church Ills.                      
                                                            
56935 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



The movie star was a discerner,                             
Of schools for her kids that were sterner,                  
But saw that their training,                                
Did not include caning,                                     
For a teacher should not tan a learner.                     
                                                            
56936 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9605



The Maharaja of Hoipolloi                                   
Many servants used to employ,                               
To pull on his suits                                        
And tight riding boots;                                     
He would yell, "Now lean hard, knee-boy!"                   
                                                            
56937 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Tony Burrell             



Ms. Liberty, seeing no balance,                             
Insulted her trimmer's fine talents.                        
He pooped out a gem                                         
And tossed it. Yes, him:                                    
The man who shit Liberty's valance.                         
                                                            
56938 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS                                  



Chemistry's Linus's calling;                                
To him of course, Nobel's falling;                          
But his advocacy                                            
Of vitamin C                                                
Makes his colleagues find Linus appalling.                  
                                                            
56939 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



He's fearless in the face of danger;                        
Just who is this perfect stranger?                          
He's the one that you thank                                 
When you're in the bank,                                    
Where he's known as the Loan Arranger.                      
                                                            
56940 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Thomal M Patton     P9901



Getting bait for fishing ain't nothin';                     
I know a Kraut bakes it like muffins.                       
The Wigwam's his pub,                                       
An old gentleman's club;                                    
Where he runs the Lewd Wigwam Bait Oven.                    
                                                            
56941 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Brigham Young, ranked with scribes, was a trailer,          
But quite skilled as a lusty impaler.                       
With the strongest of drives,                               
And so many young wives,                                    
They called him the great "Mormon Nailer."                  
                                                            
56942 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9806



The breaking of wishbone was marred                         
When sis and I found it too hard --                         
"We're out of this pickle                                   
If we use block and tickle."                                
Sis: "I'm not Pulleyin' Bone Apart."                        
                                                            
56943 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Tom Cruise's chauffeur was, by far                          
A driver with skills below par;                             
He fucked up the clutch                                     
In Tom's limo to such                                       
A degree, he could not cart the star.                       
                                                            
56944 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P0104



A small group of bloody weird fellers,                      
With some who were underwear smellers,                      
Spend most of the day                                       
Selling dicks made of clay,                                 
And were known as the town's peter sellers.                 
                                                            
56945 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Birch           P0900



On three hides sat the chief's three new brides,            
And he saw as they lay on their sides,                      
That the one named "Big Bottom Ass,"                        
Squaw on the hippopotamus,                                  
Equaled squaws on the other two hides.                      
                                                            
56946 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Albin Chaplin   3024-2945



Growled Sarge, his mouth barking, eyes squintin',           
"Take that house where the enemy's sittin'.                 
Your rifle's your friend,                                   
Clean 'em, rod 'em again;                                   
To take that villa Re-rod 'Em Glintin'."                    
                                                            
56947 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Said Commissar Rudolph, "I fear                             
'Twill rain before Santa gets here."                        
Asked his wife, "Why not snow?"                             
But he answered, "'Tis so,                                  
For Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear!"                      
                                                            
56948 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         John Dohner         P8812



A wanton and wayward Ms. Horter,                            
Needed numberless men to disport her,                       
Whom she'd eagerly woo,                                     
To relentlessly screw,                                      
This zealous and wily pole courter.                         
                                                            
56949 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9703



As you leave for vaction in Rome,                           
Or go shopping, or to aerodrome,                            
If your door is ajar,                                       
Buglary it won't bar.                                       
Be sure that you press your lock home.                      
                                                            
56950 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Actress McLain lives out in the west,                       
And had an ongoing request.                                 
When she made a joke,                                       
Her friends then all spoke,                                 
And would say, "Shirley, you jest!"                         
                                                            
56951 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Kirk Miller              



There once was a girl brought up Christian,                 
Intrigued by a Shintoist teach-in.                          
She gave it a try                                           
But the evil guy                                            
Who held a lease on her soul's a Niezchean.                 
                                                            
56952 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



His dear wife was quick with a gag,                         
Being witty and no way a drag.                              
When she put him on,                                        
With a fake liaison,                                        
He used Sam Spade to tail his wag.                          
                                                            
56953 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



A mad botanist, bending low, smelt                          
A rose that would make your nose melt!                      
But he sniffed it too close;                                
A thorn caught his nose,                                    
And he learned how The Odor Rose Felt.                      
                                                            
56954 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Reagan, our Veep staunchly swore,                           
Brought his role as George Gipp to the fore,                
Who could run, pass, or kick,                               
And opponents he'd trick                                    
As through linemen the great Gipper tore.                   
                                                            
56955 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Bob Giandomenico    P9704



As I tell you this, I have to wink;                         
Molly Brown was quite strange, and I think                  
She scrubbed her sink white                                 
And she scrubbed it all night:                              
The Unbrownable Molly's old sink.                           
                                                            
56956 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Al Willis           T9712



As we study the canines aloof,                              
Speculation must now yield to proof.                        
We find speciation                                          
Through specialization --                                   
So the bloodlines conVerge In Your Wolf.                    
                                                            
56957 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



When out late at night with his peers,                      
When Will drinks, the rest won't go near;                   
I asked why, and they said,                                 
Poor William is palsied,                                    
And when quaffing, William shakes beers.                    
                                                            
56958 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



In olden times, violent and lawless,                        
Knights would, on provocation smallest,                     
Wreck your home, hearth, and mill,                          
Forcing you to rebuild --                                   
And you'd think, "'though I'm well, I am wall-less."        
                                                            
56959 PUNS - PEOPLE - CELEBS         Dr Limerick              



Argumentative, highly verbose,                              
Overbearing, she comes very close,                          
Adjacent and near,                                          
Being "Shrew of the Year,"                                  
Disputatious Madame Bella Cose.                             
                                                            
56960 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Loren Fitzhugh      P0011



The meaning of words are quite moot,                        
So we must be very astute.                                  
"Amidol", you can see,                                      
Is all about me.                                            
It means I am cuddly and cute.                              
                                                            
56961 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Al Willis           T9712



"Oh, darling, I missed you," said Gwen.                     
Now I'm sure not the brightest of men,                      
But my speed can't be faulted;                              
Out the window I vaulted,                                   
Before she could fire again.                                
                                                            
56962 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Michael Weinstein   P0011



Fred was always trying to score,                            
But chicks wouldn't darken his door.                        
Friends said try again,                                     
Just don't go for a ten;                                    
Luck might change if you metaphor.                          
                                                            
56963 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE                                  



Making love, male above is a bore;                          
It's mundane and what's more, it's a chore;                 
While postures exotic,                                      
Prove far more erotic,                                      
Than one taught by an old hazy lore.                        
                                                            
56964 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Bob Giandomenico    P0202



To his wife's chastity belt, Captain Hatch,                 
Had affixed with a new pickproof catch,                     
Then he marched off to war.                                 
But 'twas not long before,                                  
Some slick varlet was snicking her latch.                   
                                                            
56965 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Bob Giandomenico    P0203



Okay, I'll admit that he's small.                           
My sweetie's five one and that's all.                       
It's better to squeeze                                      
A short guy on your knees,                                  
Than never to have loved a tall.                            
                                                            
56966 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Al Willis                



As each night in her wigwam she starred,                    
This nymph would all manhood regard,                        
And would then misbehave                                    
With each lusty young brave,                                
With a posture that left no bolds hard.                     
                                                            
56967 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Bob Giandomenico    P9812



Sighed a sad-faced young sailor named Jack,                 
"My Army girl's gone from my sack;                          
My nautical service                                         
Must make women nervous --                                  
Now my sex-life is all out of WAC.                          
                                                            
56968 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Norm Storer         P9206



I know Richard and Dorothy Mott,                            
Neighbors who like to fox-trot.                             
When Dorothy took chances,                                  
With fast-stepping dances,                                  
Her pet name became "Polka Dot".                            
                                                            
56969 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Albert Berlin            



Old school Southerner, Col Job Lester,                      
Said, "Girls' names we think to be the best are             
Appellations in twos;                                       
Linda Lee, Nelly Suze,                                      
Loretta Nadine, Polly Esther."                              
                                                            
56970 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Loren Fitzhugh      P0304



We each have a strong animosity                             
Toward what we regard as atrocity.                          
I consider atrocious                                        
A child who's precocious                                    
And her mother's MOMentous pomposity.                       
                                                            
56971 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Laurence Perrine    P9206



In deserts like the Sahara,                                 
The times people starve is quite rara.                      
One reason, I've heard,                                     
Though is may seem absurd,                                  
Is because of the sand-wiches thera.                        
                                                            
56972 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Macsam                   



The last time I saw her, I'm thinking,                      
And I swear that I hadn't been drinking,                    
That sweet young Violet Barge                               
Appeared not half as large                                  
As she had been.  Was dear Violet shrinking?                
                                                            
56973 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



A young girl with initials C.C.                             
In Spanish learned to say "Si, si."                         
Took a vacation trip                                        
On a big ocean ship,                                        
The first time she'd ever see sea.                          
                                                            
56974 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Tom Patton               



A diminutive psychic named Marge                            
Was nabbed on a larceny charge,                             
But escaped the next day,                                   
So the headline display                                     
Read, "EXTRA: Small Medium at Large."                       
                                                            
56975 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Jerry Nordhal       P2005



On the day of his wedding, the male                         
Should not peek at his bride, says the tale.                
So try as he might,                                         
To keep her in sight,                                       
It all really is to know a veil.                            
                                                            
56976 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE                                  



The Byrd brothers snared Sally Fern                         
And each of them raped her in turn.                         
But they ran out of breath                                  
And she fucked them to death,                               
And she killed off two Byrds with one stern.                
                                                            
56977 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0694



There once was a lady named Gail,                           
Who decided to have a yard sale.                            
She sold all her wares,                                     
Including the chairs.                                       
Now she's one upstanding female.                            
                                                            
56978 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Gladys Bramhall.         



With no ceremony to stand on,                               
Tom knelt, then put Mary's hand on                          
His hand -- Took her fing-                                  
er, put on it a ring.                                       
"I'm engaged!" Mary cried with a-band-on.                   
                                                            
56979 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady named Kate,                          
Whose liquid diet caused loss of weight.                    
She tried on her new clothes                                
In size 6 that she chose,                                   
But the clerk said, "Right now urinate."                    
                                                            
56980 PUNS - PEOPLE - FEMALE         Tom Patton          P0110



On Sundays the son of a miller                              
Would work in the fields as a tiller                        
Of soil, planting maize.                                    
But on subsequent days                                      
He'd turn into a cereal killer.                             
                                                            
56981 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Peter Wilkins            



A colonel called out with great force,                      
In the midst of Hyde Park for a horse.                      
All the soldiers looked round,                              
But none could be found.                                    
So he just rhododendron. Of course.                         
                                                            
56982 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE                                    



As toward the end of life we all go,                        
Is it true that we reap what we sow?                        
M. Marceau and his type                                     
Sign, "This question's not tripe;                           
Enquiring mimes want to know."                              
                                                            
56983 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9603



An Egyptologist named Art                                   
Like an ass, when he went with a tart,                      
Left his finds on the road,                                 
Where a villain soon showed                                 
That a fool and his mummy soon part.                        
                                                            
56984 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Tiddy Ogg                



Fess Parker, an old star?  I'd say, "Yes."                  
Keeps a horse on a farm, more or less.                      
Even now he is able                                         
To clean out the stable,                                    
So they call him a mucking Fess.                            
                                                            
56985 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Bob Giandomenico    P0308



At the portcullis gay Knight, Count Sage,                   
Greeted Knghts errant, Waldo and Gage.                      
Gage amd Waldo both winced                                  
When they saw that Sage minced.                             
Promise anything; Give him our page.                        
                                                            
56986 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Loren C Fitzhugh    P9811



A young man was playing the cello,                          
When into the ice box he fell-o.                            
No one was to blame to,                                     
But it was a shame to                                       
Freeze a jolly good fellow.                                 
                                                            
56987 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Tiddy Ogg                



I've gay friends, (designers, Cape Cod);                    
Two guys whose career I applaud.                            
I may have to hire                                          
Them. I so admire                                           
Those draperies by Kurt 'n Rod.                             
                                                            
56988 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE                                    



At romance she just wasn't too great;                       
In fact, she could not get a date.                          
So she went to the gym                                      
And there she met him --                                    
A hunk who was laying in weight.                            
                                                            
56989 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Guy Ben-Moshe            



When the shot missed the net, "Bullet" Gallager             
Was retrieved with a sponge, by the coroner.                
And his boss said, "It's rough;                             
It will really be tough                                     
To recruit a new man of his caliber."                       
                                                            
56990 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           William N. Nesbit   P9511



Shot from cannons, his act though renowned,                 
He was discharged, no longer around;                        
And not seen again.                                         
Critics tell us that men                                    
Of his calibre seldom are found.                            
                                                            
56991 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Bob Giandomenico    P9206



Kohlt Meindoffer Brags, "Fraus grow fatter                  
Because of the goo I can splatter!"                         
So what is that goo,                                        
That frau fattening spew?                                   
Of course, it's Kohlt Meindoffer matter."                   
                                                            
56992 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Travis Brasell           



Bernard's mother gave him an upbraiding --                  
"Oh, heavens," she said, "It's degrading.                   
You behaved like a schmuck,                                 
Quit your job on the truck;                                 
The Bernie's, I guess, not for lading.":                    
                                                            
56993 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A fellow with large veins named Enis                        
Wed a girl, a beauty, a Venus.                              
Her parts too petite                                        
For his hunk of meat,                                       
Made him cry looking at his veined penis.                   
                                                            
56994 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Tom Patton          P0111



A lover, albino, named John,                                
Who lived on the banks of the Don,                          
Once boarded a plane                                        
And traveled to Spain,                                      
Becoming both pale and Juan.                                
                                                            
56995 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Cybergeezer              



In Tijuana, young Carmen-Yvonne                             
Said in bed to Jose, "Darling don,                          
I think you're my man                                       
Because you're so tan --                                    
If you were more pale, you'd be Juan."                      
                                                            
56996 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Norm Storer         P9206



An overweight man we all cherish                            
Owns a publishing firm which is bearish.                    
It is stated of him                                         
That his volumes are slim,                                  
But his figure is "publisher pearish"                       
                                                            
56997 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           John E Mayhood      P0108



Oh posh, now I'm put in a piddle,                           
'Cause the more that I twiddle and diddle,                  
It seems now the name                                       
That's meant in this game,                                  
Has got to be Andi N. Thisriddle.                           
                                                            
56998 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE                                    



In a gay school the proctor was keen,                       
And well versed in affairs epicene.                         
He won many laurels,                                        
For giving stiff orals,                                     
And his peers liked to call him "Dear Queen."               
                                                            
56999 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Bob Giandomenico    P0209



Mort the sailor does exhort his                             
Brother Bill;  Tells him where "port" is.                   
Bill can't handle sails;                                    
With each try, he fails.                                    
He sure ain't the rigger Mort is.                           
                                                            
57000 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE                                    



Since this topic's begged for a new twist,                  
Here's a variant heretofore missed.                         
When Herr Schindler would lean                              
Hard to port, it would mean:                                
He was demonstrating Schindler's list                       
                                                            
57001 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



In gay navies, from admiral to boot,                        
Each adores loving lips on his root.                        
And far better a job,                                       
If applied by a gob,                                        
For no fit beats a sailor made toot.                        
                                                            
57002 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Bob Giandomenico    P0303



In trouble this hunter named Tom;                           
The witch doctors think he's abnorm.                        
"I'm here," Tom would cry.                                  
"I'm here." Tom would sigh                                  
Each time Tom would hear a tomtom.                          
                                                            
57003 PUNS - PEOPLE - MALE           Irving Superior          



While diving, a sailor named Bright                         
Struck his head on the barque late at night.                
To the rope he did turn                                     
And the bight caused a burn,                                
But the barque was much worse than the bight.               
                                                            
57004 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Jim Weaver Collection    



Wally, a maven from Malta,                                  
Entered a bridge competition in Yalta.                      
At the end of the rubber,                                   
He started to blubber;                                      
A case of bridge over -- troubled Walter.                   
                                                            
57005 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         FCA                 T9712



A wood-fetish busboy named Gable,                           
Is rapid, thorough, and able;                               
But when everything's cleared,                              
He gives way to the weird,                                  
As he lovingly busses each table.                           
                                                            
57006 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS                                  



Mr. Cott says that he has the proof                         
That his hat is, for sure, waterproof.                      
On the roof for a week,                                     
The hat didn't leak,                                        
This hat on a Cott tin roof.                                
                                                            
57007 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Al Willis           P9611



Old Chris P. Wool loved to eat beets,                       
With mayo and okra and meats.                               
He'd do this in bed                                         
While nodding his head.                                     
He's famous as old Crispy Sheetz.                           
                                                            
57008 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         H Welchel                



In his grass hut, the chief lived alone.                    
His throne, stowed up high, down was blown.                 
He was hit on the head,                                     
And it left him quite dead.                                 
In grass houses, do not stow a throne.                      
                                                            
57009 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Al Chaplin          P9410



I spoke to the door as I charmed                            
It, caressed it and stroked it and calmed                   
It.  "My God, he's gone mad!"                               
You may think, but 'twas sad,                               
For the note said: "This Door is Alarmed."                  
                                                            
57010 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Peter Wilkins            



An unlucky gardener named Hines,                            
While working amidst his grapevines,                        
A mis-step did take,                                        
Then tripped on his rake,                                   
And suddenly fell on hard tines.                            
                                                            
57011 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Observer                 



There was a woodchopper named Max,                          
Whose output appeared somewhat lax.                         
As there was a reduction                                    
In his daily production,                                    
It was best that they gave him the ax.                      
                                                            
57012 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Albin Chaplin            



Said a shoemaker up in St. Paul,                            
To his eager, vivacious young doll,                         
"Until Fridays are past                                     
I must stick to my last,                                    
But on weekdays I'll give you my awl."                      
                                                            
57013 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Keith MacMillan     A067A



Kentuckian Jonathan Vernal                                  
Exulted in his life diurnal.                                
Saying, "Do you know what?                                  
I don't feel like a nut,                                    
Though sometimes I feel like a kernel."                     
                                                            
57014 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Loren Fitzhugh      P0101



Young Vince, a strange boy in Japan,                        
Was obsessed with autos, what a fan.                        
He would only play games                                    
Which used vehicle names;                                   
Growing up he was called Vinnie Man.                        
                                                            
57015 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Tom Patton          P9902



A driving date was my path to bliss;                        
But her mean old dad was against this.                      
"You smooch my lil' girl,                                   
It's the end of your world!"                                
Now my kinfolk mourn over my car kiss.                      
                                                            
57016 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS                                  



In a palace of glass stood Queen Joan's                     
Royal seat, all adorned with fine stones.                   
Till a hurricane's zeal                                     
Did a moral reveal:                                         
In glass houses you shouldn't stow thrones!                 
                                                            
57017 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Prof M-G                 



When the temp reached a hundred and two,                    
My wife's yearning for snow cones grew.                     
"Why'd you buy only one?",                                  
My wife asked.  I said "Hon,                                
'Cause I only have ice for you."                            
                                                            
57018 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Kirk Miller              



The wife of a miner named Paul                              
Would knit only picks on her shawl.                         
She would knit with fine care                               
And was known everywhere                                    
As the greatest pick-knitter of all.                        
                                                            
57019 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Albin Chaplin   3024-2736



A charming old lady named Gretel,                           
Instead of a hat, wore a kettle.                            
When they called her misguided,                             
She said, "I've decided                                     
To show all the neighbors my mettle."                       
                                                            
57020 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Edward Lear              



Spooky the Scarecrow won't yield;                           
Scavengers flee, fear is sealed.                            
Looms like a rogue,                                         
Rough as a toad;                                            
Spooky stands out in his field!                             
                                                            
57021 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Jim Weaver Collection    



An inventor of robots, name of Cox                          
Found his firm with an empty cash box.                      
His electric lawyer                                         
Just couldn't be coyer,                                     
But had trouble with it's sues and shocks.                  
                                                            
57022 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Tom Patton          P0110



Young Prue cought her glove on her ring;                    
It ripped and it tore at that thing.                        
So young David Splenny                                      
Fixed it for a penny;                                       
Now Prue's glove's a Splenny mended thing.                  
                                                            
57023 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Archie                   



Old Bill's girls once got stuck deep                        
In a bog, in a truck; now they keep                         
Themselves well away                                        
From that four-wheel drive's bay...                         
You guessed it, Will's daughters shun Jeep.                 
                                                            
57024 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Tiddy                    



To his analyst went Mr. Lentz                               
And said, "My dreams don't make much sense.                 
First I dream I'm a teepee,                                 
Then a wigwam, it's creepy."                                
The Doc said, "You're simply two tents."                    
                                                            
57025 PUNS - PEOPLE - THINGS         Bob Giandomenico    P8811



Though tied to a railroad track firm,                       
Penelope managed to squirm                                  
Her way free from that fate,                                
But her Ma, sending bait                                    
Said, "A Penny that's saved gets the worm."                 
                                                            
57026 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Travis Brasell           



According to my cousin Vinny,                               
The vultures are hoping for any                             
Penelope rescue,                                            
Since they don't eat fescue;                                
The early bird gets the saved Penny.                        
                                                            
57027 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Travis Brasell           



A most strange event once occurred,                         
Of slow-worm in a thrush nest, I heard.                     
That lizard sans legs                                       
Got coiled 'round some eggs,                                
And the curly worm hatches the bird.                        
                                                            
57028 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Tiddy Ogg                



It was just last week that I learned                        
That Penny died and she was burned.                         
Hope they saved the ashes;                                  
My pal no one trashes!                                      
'Cause Penny saved is Penny urned.                          
                                                            
57029 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Marlene Lewis            



There are thousands of cops in this nation,                 
And they do preserve civilization.                          
Now the census is done;                                     
The clerks found every one;                                 
The total is called copulation.                             
                                                            
57030 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Al Willis                



Al, you've been punning again, haven't you?                 
Well, similies could start a bandwagon anew.                
The sillier ones                                            
Make you groan just like puns;                              
And can drive you 'As Madison Avenue'.                      
                                                            
57031 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        PeterW                   



A gentlemen's tailor and hatter                             
Sold clothing which made me look fatter.                    
I told him I'd sue                                          
Which I've started to do,                                   
'Cause I judge it 'As eerie as matter'.                     
                                                            
57032 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        PeterW                   



A girl (whose name will be seen)                            
Was propped up against an evergreen.                        
When I asked her why                                        
She let out a cry,                                          
"Just like my named says, I lean."                          
                                                            
57033 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



"I'm only slightly deformed;                                
With lopsided tits I'm adorned.                             
I need breast implants                                      
To correct my stance,                                       
But insurance won't pay, I've been warned.                  
                                                            
57034 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



I take pity on Eileen;                                      
A similar problem I've been,                                
Fighting for years                                          
And taking the jeers                                        
That come my way when I'm seen.                             
                                                            
57035 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



My dick and my balls weigh a ton                            
And make it hard to walk or run.                            
So I crawl around                                           
On my knees on the ground;                                  
My name I have changed; it was shunned.                     
                                                            
57036 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



I changed it 'cause it drew attention                       
To my affliction 'forementioned.                            
Neil Down was that name,                                    
The source of my pain.                                      
Now I call myself Richard Injection.                        
                                                            
57037 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



A Scotsman sent a telegram                                  
To his papa and his grandmam.                               
Words were expensive;                                       
This made him pensive,                                      
So he'd shorten his 'gram, by damn.                         
                                                            
57038 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Larry Falk               



"Anacin the hospital fine.                                  
Adamant bitter assinine                                     
Places," he wrote,                                          
Saving words; please note,                                  
Seven in all, but most in one line.                         
                                                            
57039 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Larry Falk               



A retired man of military might,                            
He gave his wife such a fright.                             
He'd open the blinds                                        
Which she'd asked him to mind,                              
Thus exposing the bedspread to light.                       
                                                            
57040 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES                                 



The wife stomped and yelled all day                         
To repair the damage he must pay.                           
He apologized with a sigh                                   
Saying, "Old soldiers never dye"                            
We just fade duvets!"                                       
                                                            
57041 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES                                 



A island King with a throne collection,                     
Opened his hut for inspection.                              
He allowed in tours                                         
Of throne conniseurs,                                       
To show them his varied selection.                          
                                                            
57042 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



Thrones of all shapes and sizes,                            
All covered with jewels and prizes;                         
Some short, some tall,                                      
Some big, some small,                                       
And some armed with locking devices.                        
                                                            
57043 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



The last tour that he allowed in                            
Left before the tour could begin.                           
A throne, knocked down,                                     
Rocked the hut to the ground,                               
And the King was buried within.                             
                                                            
57044 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



This last may bring on some groans,                         
And maybe a few fervent moans,                              
But the moral they say,                                     
Is still spoken today:                                      
In grass houses you shouldn't stow thrones                  
                                                            
57045 PUNS - PEOPLE - ZSERIES        Gearhart                 



Call the study of figures statistics,                       
And the study of language linguistics;                      
But it's clear that one errs,                               
When one loosly avers                                       
That the study of balling's ballistics.                     
                                                            
57046 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Girl Scout cookie sales too high to match,                  
Were accomplished with canny dispatch.                      
Each girl doing her part,                                   
Income went off the chart,                                  
When the troop leader then snared her batch.                
                                                            
57047 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0204



The bride said "I'll love you forever,                      
Though your dick the doc had to sever.                      
Instead of your dong,                                       
Please, hon, use your tongue.                               
It's better to be ate than never.                           
                                                            
57048 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Carol                    



I thought I'd be back here by five,                         
But wandered down into a dive.                              
And gained satisfaction                                     
In rough whorish action...                                  
It's better to come than arrive.                            
                                                            
57049 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



I thought I'd be here by eight                              
But got stuck on an awful slow date.                        
It took him so long                                         
To get up his dong...                                       
It's better to come and be late.                            
                                                            
57050 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Carol                    



At picking up girls, Bill's not clever,                     
And Kathy's the one chick he's ever                         
Got into his bed,                                           
So as he once said,                                         
"I guess, better Kate than not never."                      
                                                            
57051 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



Female anglers awaiting strong tugs,                        
On their lines, employ flies, lures and plugs.              
But the smart girl who vies,                                
With all sizes of flies,                                    
Finds most suckers are hooked with jig bugs.                
                                                            
57052 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0112



Sometimes lately I've thought it absurd:                    
The word 'cock' is so frequently heard.                     
But I now understand                                        
For this reason: A hand                                     
In the bush is worth two on the bird.                       
                                                            
57053 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



A candy plant typist discreet                               
Each day sucked the plant owner's meat.                     
Then gave nightly relief                                    
To the pickle plant chief,                                  
So the bitter she took with the sweet.                      
                                                            
57054 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Albin Chaplin            



If a riddle you're seeking here, ducks,                     
Why do dames that are skinny like fucks                     
From the guys who make funny --                             
Yes, counterfeit money,                                     
But a forger will pass phoney bucks.                        
                                                            
57055 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Hugh Clary               



A cashless and sveltely Canuck,                             
Who found herself down on her luck,                         
Now prints her own                                          
And solicits by phone:                                      
Stop by for a great phony buck.                             
                                                            
57056 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Martin Wellborn     P0301



A young woman shed a sad tear.                              
"My husband's a punster, I fear!                            
Though I told him, 'My dear,                                
I would like a brassiere,                                   
That lummox gave me a brass ear!"                           
                                                            
57057 PUNS - SEXUAL                  John Dohner         P8802



A drunken and horny young boozer,                           
Had hoped for a foxy gal cruiser;                           
Said the barkeep to him:                                    
"Just forget high-class quim;                               
Mac, buggers, my boy, can't be choosers!"                   
                                                            
57058 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Allen Wolverton          



In Nam we had run out of luck;                              
The "Pres" he was passing the buck.                         
Then a girl came a running,                                 
With questions so cunning,                                  
She said, "Joe, tell me now, Phan-U-Cuk?"                   
                                                            
57059 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



There's a feature that brings us awareness,                 
Why an Englishman, senile, has rareness,                    
That's compared to an eight-                                
Year-old girl, I'll relate:                                 
The gent, on the hunt, he is careless.                      
                                                            
57060 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Hugh Clary               



Said Nathan, "I've shone self-reliance                      
And stuck with strict rule book compliance,                 
'Till dyslexic Gwenn,                                       
Who thinks I'm a hen,                                       
Complained I was 'clucking defiance.'"                      
                                                            
57061 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



His girl Friday is one who enthralls,                       
As phone contacts she deftly forestalls.                    
Then she serves him a beer,                                 
Making perfectly clear,                                     
She can handle his bock and his calls.                      
                                                            
57062 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0110



If Brit slang you do not understand,                        
A Rosetta Stone link's now at hand;                         
The "commando" word's there;    [??]                        
(Quoted source: C. Moor Hare);                              
Now I've gotten the "lay of the land".                      
                                                            
57063 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



A hardware clerk lived by her wits,                         
Selling hammers and saws to male twits.                     
They thought it was nice                                    
At double the price,                                        
When she let them inspect her tool kits.                    
                                                            
57064 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton          P0110



There are female police in our nation                       
Who play house with guys at the station;                    
Which is saying, of course,                                 
That they screw with the force.                             
After all, folks, the term's cop-ulation.                   
                                                            
57065 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



But what they don't know (the poor saps)                    
Is that with their occasional lapse                         
(As I get the word                                          
From one wise old bird)                                     
Cunning linguists are popular chaps.                        
                                                            
57066 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Attended beauty school on a dare;                           
Concentrated on girls while he's there.                     
A great romantic was he;                                    
Act of love his specialty.                                  
His favorite subject, beauty care.                          
                                                            
57067 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton          P0110



A physician must stand as a rock;                           
Be immune to the ills of his flock.                         
The strong, young ones are best,                            
Female patients attest,                                     
And scorn, quickly, an old croupy doc.                      
                                                            
57068 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0112



The sexy drug dealer, Miss Stack,                           
Sells cocaine and morphine by the sack.                     
Peddles uppers and downers                                  
To rich out-of-towners,                                     
But the young guys are into her crack.                      
                                                            
57069 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Parker Waterman     P0108



The Luftwaffe went off their rockers;                       
Their draft of girl flyers drew gawkers.                    
A nonet well endowed,                                       
Had male pilots wowed,                                      
And they dazzled a crowd with nine Fokkers.                 
                                                            
57070 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0304



A girl who's well formed where she sits,                    
Can drive most men out of their wits,                       
And they'll really be wowed,                                
If she claims she's "endowed,"                              
In the chest, if they feel her term fits.                   
                                                            
57071 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0108



My dishwasher went on the blink;                            
I plugged up the leak in a wink.                            
Oh, how did I fix it?                                       
My 'plugger', I stix it                                     
In her hole right where I saw the pink.                     
                                                            
57072 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



To boy friends she rated first rate;                        
She always gave in to each date;                            
And so Kathryn Forney,                                      
By gentlemen horny,                                         
Is fated to be Forney Kate.                                 
                                                            
57073 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Allan Ottley, 1975  P8209



It had been so long she'd lost count                        
But her eyes she could not discount.                        
At the Goodyear tire sale                                   
The sign said without fail,                                 
They would freely give you a mount.                         
                                                            
57074 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



The Fink's family fortune, most think,                      
Are their stables, kept well in the pink;                   
Help, their daughters with pride,                           
Are most pleased to provide,                                
For each of them mucks like a Fink.                         
                                                            
57075 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0207



They were floating down stream on a raft.                   
She said, "What we need now is a shaft.                     
With my dress and a nail                                    
We could fashion a sail."                                   
So he gave her the shaft, fore and aft.                     
                                                            
57076 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



A furniture salesgirl deplores                              
That customers rank her with whores.                        
When I saw her today,                                       
All I found I could say,                                    
Was "I'd like to get into your drawers!"                    
                                                            
57077 PUNS - SEXUAL                  John Dohner         P8807



She loved her man, though she'd mislay                      
Her affection. "Slow down!" she'd say.                      
Advice an unwelcome gift,                                   
She left. Then he got her drift;                            
A hasty stroke oft goes astray!                             
                                                            
57078 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



It's time to stop straddling the fence!                     
Let our kinky sex-games commence!                           
And if I should pamper                                      
You good, happy camper,                                     
Would your gratitude be in tents?                           
                                                            
57079 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



"The difference 'tween nuns," says a troll,                 
"And girls in a bathtub-type bowl,                          
Is as plain as can be,                                      
So I'll tell it to thee:                                    
The former have hope in their soul."                        
                                                            
57080 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Hugh Clary               



In New York two patrons of the arts                         
Were seeking two girl counterparts.                         
At an art show that night,                                  
Spied cute girls that looked right,                         
Bedding down with their two torrid hearts.                  
                                                            
57081 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton          P0208



Her school dumped a coed named Cookie,                      
For at coupling with boys was no rookie.                    
When her parents asked why                                  
She was dumped, her reply                                   
With a cynical shirk was, "Not hooky."                      
                                                            
57082 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0011



Loading flags was the job of Weaver;                        
Every day earned his pay, an achiever.                      
With a reputation                                           
For procreation,                                            
Friends all know he's a bunting heaver.                     
                                                            
57083 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton          P0201



A girl shock of wheat went and sleeped                      
Where a boy shock of wheat had been heaped.                 
On waking, 'tis said                                        
She found herself bread                                     
And cried, "My God, I've been reaped!"                      
                                                            
57084 PUNS - SEXUAL                  James G Blaine           



When Kay left her boyfriend named Ray,                      
He looked high and low through the day.                     
He got down on his knees                                    
And he begged his friends, "Please,                         
Let me know when and if you see Kay."                       
                                                            
57085 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2255



The women love Santa's big dick,                            
They love him 'cause he won't come quick;                   
Comes once a year, true,                                    
But makes them come, too;                                   
They come just in the time of Nick.                         
                                                            
57086 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



A man of great honor named Skinner                          
Said, "Mr. O'Conner, you sinner,                            
You will soon be a goner.                                   
What is better than honor?"                                 
Said O'Conner, "What's better is in her!"                   
                                                            
57087 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2307



Does getting laid off mean getting fired?                   
Or activity far more admired?                               
Breaking it down,                                           
Though not with a frown,                                    
Getting laid, getting off -- things desired.                
                                                            
57088 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Said a fearless explorer named Rand,                        
As he pumped some black girl on the sand,                   
"I'm new to this region,                                    
The dangers are legion,                                     
And I must get the lay of the land!"                        
                                                            
57089 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Armand E Singer       394



An 80 year old man said, "I hate                            
Having sex with my newly wed mate.                          
If I can outlast her                                        
She says, "Do it faster."                                   
Her swinging is a gusty rate.                               
                                                            
57090 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton          P0107



A wily, gay boxer though deft,                              
With his fists was of ethics bereft.                        
He would weaken each foe,                                   
With a skillful low blow,                                   
Then apply cunning clips to his left.                       
                                                            
57091 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0201



A Japanese friend, not nisei,                               
Perky, petite and so gay,                                   
Said the 3rd of November                                    
Is a day to remember...                                     
"I ruv it on Erection Day."                                 
                                                            
57092 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tutta Gioia              



In the mountains a hiker, Miss Bicks,                       
Would avoid getting into a fix.                             
She made sure to include                                    
Lots of water and food                                      
And she kept a sharp eye on 'Trail Mix?                     
                                                            
57093 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Albin Chaplin       P0102



Fred, the electrician, inserts                              
His tool in tight girls with short skirts.                  
Loves sticking full measure                                 
Deep into their treasure,                                   
And hearing that it Mega-Hertz.                             
                                                            
57094 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



For a woman to write with appeal,                           
Punctuation's what's needed, I feel.                        
When she talks, she will say:                               
"Miss a comma, okay.                                        
Miss a period?  That's a big deal."                         
                                                            
57095 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Kirk Miller              



A nut on the bolt, feeling blue,                            
Gave its partner the threadbarest clue;                     
Said the bolt, "You are nuts                                
If you haven't the guts                                     
To admit I mean more than a screw."                         
                                                            
57096 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bill Backe-Hansen   P9206



A rebellious young Scot named McHugh                        
Was arrested for "mounting a coup".                         
That's just what I heard                                    
And I think it's absurd                                     
And, unless you're the coo, wouldn't you?                   
                                                            
57097 PUNS - SEXUAL                  John E Maywood           



"I'm a hardware store clerk," said Miss Hughes,             
"But some kinds of work I refuse.                           
I'll handle their nuts,                                     
And their bolts and crosscuts,                              
But I refuse to hand out the screws!"                       
                                                            
57098 PUNS - SEXUAL                                      G2368



There was an odd fellow named Lohring                       
Who practiced sex with an oar ring.                         
Nothing could be finah                                      
Than to be in a vagina                                      
In the mor or or or or ning.                                
                                                            
57099 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton               



An ugly old frump named of Hale                             
Begged hubby to little avail,                               
But uttered hosannas                                        
For firm, smooth bananas                                    
And called them the real old wive's tail.                   
                                                            
57100 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Armand E Singer       390



"Wanna a fuck in the office, dear Kate?"                    
"Well OK then; we'll stay a bit late."                      
But on starting to screw                                    
In came Joe. "Who are you?"                                 
"I'm her Orifice Manager, mate."                            
                                                            
57101 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



To the hardware man went old Miss Blue                      
And she said to him, "What shall I do?                      
I have no time to waste                                     
For I want a good paste,                                    
And I can't seem to find the right screw."                  
                                                            
57102 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The hardware man, nobody's dunce,                           
Through the day many problems confronts,                    
So he thrust up her flue                                    
And he gave old Miss Blue                                   
The paste and the screw both at once.                       
                                                            
57103 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Old babes find male strippers divine;                       
With steam, their bifocals do shine.                        
They go mad as those strippers,                             
A-swingin' their drippers,                                  
Cast all of their pearls 'fore the swine!                   
                                                            
57104 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



A buxom young female, quite gritty,                         
Owned a poultry farm west of Sioux City.                    
She was mean, beyond words,                                 
To male workers and birds,                                  
And never showed one turkey pity.                           
                                                            
57105 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0112



She oughta be spending some MORE thought                    
On a subject not mentioned in your thought;                 
For those of us smaller                                     
Than the length of a dollar,                                
A chick must have phallus aforethought.                     
                                                            
57106 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



An innocent fellow named Tucker                             
Was at Armour a skilled pheasant plucker.                   
His revealed his occupation                                 
To a girl in conversation;                                  
She said, "This fellow needs a speech instructor."          
                                                            
57107 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



The girl's swim team gossips at school;                     
During practice dish dirt, as a rule.                       
Their young breasts wetly heave,                            
As hot stories they weave;                                  
Nosy ripples abound in the pool.                            
                                                            
57108 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0112



A female dog trainer now heels                              
Curs with leashes on spring-loaded wheels.                  
Most recalcitrant mutts,                                    
She says, simply go nuts,                                   
For a girl with a pair of hound reels.                      
                                                            
57109 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0201



The Bureau of Census, so pities                             
Those poor, wilted, wizened old biddies,                    
That it offers employment,                                  
Though not much enjoyment,                                  
For the work does involve tagging cities.                   
                                                            
57110 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0110



There's nothing of which I am fonder,                       
First thing in the morning to wander,                       
On a fine summer's day,                                     
And my footsteps will stray                                 
To the top of that meadow out yonder.                       
                                                            
57111 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



And there to see rose-fingered Dawn                         
Creep over the vicarage lawn...                             
She takes off her shirt,                                    
Bra, panties, and skirt,                                    
And gambols about like a faun.                              
                                                            
57112 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



It seems once again I must fail                             
To tell you an innocent tale                                
Of pleasures bucolic,                                       
Free of sexual frolic.                                      
Alas I'm a dirty old male.                                  
                                                            
57113 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



To her garage she goes, there she's taking                  
Her little sports car, and it's making                      
A hell of a roar,                                           
With her foot on the floor;                                 
Then a squeal... Yes that's right, Dawn is braking.         
                                                            
57114 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



At this time of year, it's still night                      
At 6 AM, that's when a bright                               
Glow may be seen                                            
Through her window, if keen                                 
Like me, to watch Dawn's early light.                       
                                                            
57115 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



Now Dawn wears a kaftan and beads,                          
Communion with Nature she needs.                            
With her brother Pip, she's                                 
A regular hippie...                                         
The Dawn of a New Age, indeed.                              
                                                            
57116 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



Now our local river, the Stour                              
Here splits in its hydraulic power                          
Into two, named by color,                                   
One lighter, one duller,                                    
And here she'll spend many an hour.                         
                                                            
57117 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



In this delta Dawn stands in the storm                      
Of water, at where it is torn                               
Into two.  There she'll stand                               
On the edge of the land,                                    
'Cause the darker Stour's just before Dawn.                 
                                                            
57118 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Peter Wilkins            



Before they could jump on my dick,                          
I re-buttoned my fly pretty quick;                          
But she shouted, "You fool!                                 
All I want is your tool!"                                   
So I gave her my shovel and pick.                           
                                                            
57119 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Anon                     



She said, "My weak bladder, I suppose                       
Is the cause of my sexual woes.                             
It's so very haunting                                       
To see my mate daunting                                     
The moment my hot flower shows."                            
                                                            
57120 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton          P0109



An old oysterman lost his wits                              
From the seizures he'd get.  "It's the pits!                
And you know, it is lots                                    
Like a whore with the trots:                                
I'm shucking while having the fits.                         
                                                            
57121 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Scott                    



The runaway psychic was charged                             
(His case being wrapped up by Marge).                       
He saw her red panties,                                     
And she saw, andantes,                                      
That packaged small medium en-large!                        
                                                            
57122 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



"Some evening!" she said with a sigh;                       
"Some moon!" And, "Some stars in the sky!"                  
(As he fondled her ass)                                     
"Some dew on the grass!"                                    
"Not me!" was her instant reply.                            
                                                            
57123 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Drinking tea on his yacht, Mister Lee,                      
Seemed happy as he could just be.                           
Asked his wife, amidst bliss,                               
"Any thing that you miss?"                                  
He said, "No, just the sea, you an' tea."                   
                                                            
57124 PUNS - SEXUAL                  JerzyK                   



As a child, I heard Soupy Sales say                         
To his sidekick on TV, one day:                             
"You can't read! I suspect                                  
You should have your eyes checked.                          
Every time I write 'F' you see 'K'."                        
                                                            
57125 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Obstetricians remember with glee                            
Young Katie, with spirit so free,                           
Who worshipped each bone                                    
That she'd fucked or she'd blown,                           
And signed letters, "Love, Kay in O.B.".                    
                                                            
57126 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



The SPCA moves to block                                     
A cruel shepherd's abuse of his flock.                      
One of their biggest fears,                                 
Is that sheep's rumps and ears,                             
Are but two spots that he kicks his stock.                  
                                                            
57127 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0201



A clever magician named Muntz,                              
Features assistants with really big fronts.                 
These girls in the act                                      
Are really well stacked;                                    
Also known for their most cunning stunts.                   
                                                            
57128 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tom Patton          P0204



A handyman known as Hieronymous                             
Had a client (let's keep her anonymous).                    
When he asked, "Tell me do,                                 
Should I nail or screw"                                     
She replied, "Silly boy, they're synonymous!"               
                                                            
57129 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Hieronymous was a poor handyman;                            
He knew not which tool could pierce her can.                
Screwdriver or hammer?                                      
Which one to slam-bam her?                                  
Request jaws-of-life and battering ram!                     
                                                            
57130 PUNS - SEXUAL                  RanDog                   



If you want your dinger to hum,                             
Sit down, buy Tamara a rum.                                 
She'll quench your desire,                                  
But you won't satisfy her;                                  
Tamara, you see, never comes.                               
                                                            
57131 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



Those Mills brothers, Rolf, Roy, and Ray,                   
Each morning are sucked by sis Kay;                         
Although she's not wealthy,                                 
The lass sure is healthy                                    
From having her three Mills a day.                          
                                                            
57132 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Travis Brasell           



Was that TransWorld Airlines you flew, Dee?                 
A stewardess there once offered me                          
Some coffee to drink.                                       
I said "No, but I think                                     
I'd rather have some TWA tea.                               
                                                            
57133 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Butt-slaps make a gunfighter's soul stir,                   
And a blonde with her butt on a bolster                     
Gets the man in a rut --                                    
He keeps on slapping butt                                   
When he's slipping his gun in her holster.                  
                                                            
57134 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Amego               P9911



When last I attempted to clasp                              
Christina, to proffer my asp,                               
Her Vagina Dentata                                          
Had a smell like ricotta,                                   
When my retch was exceeding my gasp.                        
                                                            
57135 PUNS - SEXUAL                                           



Out in the mid-east for a while,                            
Where most of the women are vile,                           
I met lovely Suzie,                                         
A Lebanese floozy;                                          
She's call the best wank of the Nile.                       
                                                            
57136 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Tiddy Ogg                



A woman gag writer pens bits,                               
For a forum of wags who write skits.                        
More than holding her own,                                  
With her skifis full blown,                                 
By virtue of topping big wits.                              
                                                            
57137 PUNS - SEXUAL                  Bob Giandomenico    P0201



An old Belgian king from Ostend                             
Went mentally clear 'round the bend;                        
Marooned with his jester                                    
By a vicious sou'wester,                                    
He found himself at his wit's end.                          
                                                            
57138 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Armand E Singer        35



Mr. Einer, newlywed of Corning,                             
Arrives late for work always yawning.                       
When asked to resign or...                                  
Said "Nothing is finer                                      
Than to be in Carole Einer in the morning!"                 
                                                            
57139 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           FCA                 T9712



A sadistic old fellow was Perce;                            
And his antics in bed were perverse,                        
Then he wrote poems erratic                                 
Of his exploits traumatic,                                  
So from bed the old man went to verse.                      
                                                            
57140 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-2744



When his dong the doc cut away,                             
He went to the lawyer's that day.                           
He'll sure look cute                                        
In his malpractice suit                                     
He'll purchase with his severence pay.                      
                                                            
57141 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           John Gearhart            



A challenge to Jim, Michael hurls                           
To benchpress two women in pearls.                          
A sarcastic viewer,                                         
Seeing Jim hoist the two-er,                                
Uttered "That boob's got a nice pair of girls."             
                                                            
57142 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE                                    



A lecherous shyster named Bill,                             
His hands in the sexual till,                               
Spent most of the night,                                    
No law books in sight,                                      
In breaking some poor widow's will.                         
                                                            
57143 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Armand E Singer        13



What with female Marines, Sergeant Trilling,                
Finds his life in the Corps more fulfilling.                
In the daytime his skill                                    
Is in close-order drill,                                    
While at night, it's in close-ardor drilling!               
                                                            
57144 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE                                    



If your wife is a frequent nit-picker                       
Who enjoys nothing more than to bicker,                     
She is certain to win                                       
Every fight you get in;                                     
So try not to argue - just dicker.                          
                                                            
57145 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Jerry Nordal        P0107



A drunken old sailor named Reese                            
Raised hell with a madam from Nice.                         
He was told to keep quiet                                   
But he started a riot.                                      
And was jailed for disturbing the piece.                    
                                                            
57146 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-2256



A man by the name of Maurice                                
Took 'Chance' as his nickname, for he's                     
In search of a mate                                         
And now on each date                                        
He sings to them "Give Chance a Piece".                     
                                                            
57147 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE                                    



Ben Hur, that notorious satyr,                              
Once went down on a girl in a crater.                       
She tasted quite salty,                                     
(Not at all chocolate-malty)                                
But he was, on the whole, gladiator.                        
                                                            
57148 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Michael Weinstein   P9206



I have read all the FAQ, "in appendo;"                      
Heard the rule against dirty crescendo.                     
To an act, be oblique                                       
With a word such as "Greek",                                
Which is just, so I say, innuendo.                          
                                                            
57149 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Mad Scientist            



Laughed a loose-moraled fellow named Rimmon,                
"There are guys into drugs, booze, or slimmin',             
Or jogging or rock,                                         
But me, I dig cock,                                         
And the one thing I'm into is women."                       
                                                            
57150 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Armand E Singer       190



When Jack stayed at home with a cough,                      
The receptionist would grumble and scoff.                   
When people would phone,                                    
She'd say with a drone,                                     
"I'm sorry, today is Jack off!"                             
                                                            
57151 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Travis Brasell           



"You look quite delectable, Delia.                          
For starters, I fancy Ophelia;                              
Then later in bed,                                          
While I'm giving you head,                                  
You can bet I'll be making Amelia."                         
                                                            
57152 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Peter Wilkins            



What he sought was a skilled adventurix,                    
A gal schooled in sexotic kicks.                            
He scouted prepared                                         
With treats to be shared;                                   
He packed plenty of he-man trail mix.                       
                                                            
57153 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Esther Koch         P0102



Designed by smart folks with good cause,                    
From ladies it draws great applause.                        
For that hair-trigger fella,                                
Who comes a cappella,                                       
The device, a gal's friend, "Man-O-Pause".                  
                                                            
57154 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Tutta Gioia              



A needler of people was Strater,                            
A most misanthropical hater;                                
He insulted all others,                                     
Even sisters and brothers,                                  
Damned proud to be called "Master Baiter."                  
                                                            
57155 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Armand E Singer       721



Our teacher, Miss Suzy Q. Cates,                            
Makes all the class laugh when she states,                  
"I'm really appalled;                                       
Stand up when you're called --                              
I'm talking to you, Master Bates!"                          
                                                            
57156 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Armand E Singer       924



Oh pity the couple named Bates,                             
Whose amorous coupling creates                              
One after another,                                          
A son and his brother,                                      
To suffer the name, Master Bates.                           
                                                            
57157 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Allan Ottley, 1975       



When Max looked at Anne on the tractor,                     
He pulled out his prick to distract her.                    
She encouraged young Max                                    
So he pulled off his slacks,                                
And on top of the tractor, Max Factor.                      
                                                            
57158 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0770



He used all his guile to attract her,                       
And was thrilled when he finally sacked her.                
"Why did, if you'll pardon,                                 
Elizabeth Arden?"                                           
"Because, Sir, that beastly Max Factor!"                    
                                                            
57159 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



"Please help me," the young man demanded.                   
"I leave myself feeling quite stranded.                     
When I masturbate,                                          
It's supposed to feel great,                                
But I can't do it right, I'm left-handed."                  
                                                            
57160 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A lady friend wanted a screw.                               
Flat-headed, I just wouldn't do.                            
She settled instead                                         
For Phil Phillip's head.                                    
He tightened her up a bit too.                              
                                                            
57161 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



In hopes of avoiding embarrassment,                         
Ewell Harris, sans closet, to Paris went,                   
To seek friends 'tres gai',                                 
But folks knew right away--                                 
And laughed at the sex Ewell Harris meant.                  
                                                            
57162 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Norm Storer         P9302



There was a MP at Westminster                               
Who did naughtly things with a spinster.                    
At first she resisted                                       
But when he persisted,                                      
The sighs of the Member convinced her                       
                                                            
57163 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           John Dole           P9604



A student named Stewart F. Lance                            
Spent seven semesters in France;                            
When his daddy asked, "Stu,                                 
In Paree were you blue?"                                    
The son said, "Give grammar a chance!"                      
                                                            
57164 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Armand E Singer         8



There was a wood packer named Hood,                         
Whose eyesight was not very good.                           
And what's more, to his shame,                              
He was palsied and lame,                                    
Which, no doubt, came from packing his wood.                
                                                            
57165 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE           Bob Giandomenico    P0205



"Emergency drill, lads and lasses!                          
A build-up of dangerous gases                               
Foretells an explosion,                                     
So please put in motion                                     
Your buttocks," said Xavier Onassis.                        
                                                            
57166 PUNS - SEXUAL - MALE                                    



An innocent maid from Madras,                               
Did not know the difference, alas,                          
'Twixt a snake and a goose;                                 
The answer, abstruse,                                       
A snake is an asp in the grass.                             
                                                            
57167 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Ed Potts            P8508



Eva Braun, history's records allow,                         
Was perturbed by her pilleous prow.                         
When she went for a swim,                                   
Adolf tonsured her quim,                                    
Thereby soothing his hot, beavered frau.                    
                                                            
57168 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



A hooker with asthma, old Rose,                             
Is incessantly blowing her nose,                            
Yet does not miss a trick                                   
For she's really quite slick,                               
And skillful at knowing her blows.                          
                                                            
57169 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico         



A gay jazz ensemble in Cush                                 
Found the bulls' raffish offer to push                      
Their sphincters absurd,                                    
Cause it's known that a herd                                
In the band, is worth boo in the tush.                      
                                                            
57170 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



A hooker, unclad save one red sock,                         
Lay sprawled on her hastily shed smock;                     
Deep lines etched her face,                                 
From long carnal embrace,                                   
Her back tired and worn out of bedlock.                     
                                                            
57171 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P0001



Good time party girls drinking and feeding,                 
While away the wee hours unheeding,                         
Predisposed to regale,                                      
And such fun to impale,                                     
That they seem custom-made for fest breeding.               
                                                            
57172 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P0001



For her wedding, a comely Girl Guide                        
Hired Spooner, the tailor, who tried                        
To make gowns for the ladies,                               
And surer than Hades,                                       
Succeeded in gowning the bride.                             
                                                            
57173 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Jemstone                 



Dirt roads dozed by muckers and crawlers,                   
For transport for truckers and haulers,                     
Carry trees that were chopped,                              
Dropped, topped, lopped, and cropped,                       
By a bunch of fine buckers and fallers.                     
                                                            
57174 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Jerry Nordal        P9805



A Rubenesque hooker, far plumper                            
Than others, had men mad to jump her.                       
With great lust they would burn,                            
For her bosom and stern,                                    
She indeed, a well used busty rumper.                       
                                                            
57175 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



They tossed farmer Spooner in jail                          
When his date bought too much at a sale.                    
She cried, "It's a jumble!                                  
Please tie up my bundle!"                                   
And they charged him with tying her bale.                   
                                                            
57176 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Jemstone                 



Franklin Roosevelt's dog, aides would warn ya,              
As terriers go, few were hornier.                           
His assaults from the rear                                  
Had guests quaking with fear,                               
An outrage to have Fala Corn ya.                            
                                                            
57177 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



Asked a riddler of Tiddius Wacker,                          
"Since conundrums you're oft an unpacker,                   
How alike is a Ritz                                         
To a licker of clits ... ?"                                 
"Well, one is a famous snack cracker."                      
                                                            
57178 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Travis Brasell           



They both may have giants and runts,                        
A pimp or a pitchman, as fronts.                            
A whorehouse has not,                                       
Like circuses got,                                          
A cunning array of great stunts.                            
                                                            
57179 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Larry Davis         P8508



A chorus-line differs, you dunce,                           
From a dog-act -- you must see at once,                     
That the dog-act is proud                                   
Of showing the crowd                                        
A cunning array of their stunts.                            
                                                            
57180 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Ed Potts            P8508



A rummy from Oxford named Cottle                            
Got twisted of tongue from the bottle,                      
Like "quite stunning cunts"                                 
For "bright cunning stunts,"                                
Or "not worth a tit nor a jottle."                          
                                                            
57181 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Armand E Singer       604



After finishing all of her running,                         
On her patio, nude, she was sunning.                        
Her body was fine,                                          
And her face was divine,                                    
And her stunt was especially cunning.                       
                                                            
57182 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Cap'n Bean          P9911



The circus boss constantly hunts                            
For cunning arrangements of stunts.                         
The madame hunts too,                                       
But she will make do,                                       
With stunning arrangements of cunts.                        
                                                            
57183 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Larry Davis         P8711



A young farmer thought farming was great.                   
Met a traveling sales girl named Kate.                      
In the cow barn they screwed                                
And did other things lewd;                                  
He was glad to have had a merry date.                       
                                                            
57184 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Tom Patton          P0001



"Dime-A-Dance" girls as they were once billed,              
To their doubtful charm, lonely men thrilled.               
And for just a bit more,                                    
They'd perform on the floor.                                
Dance room balling at which they were skilled.              
                                                            
57185 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9806



A very strange fellow named Powell                          
Stuck a stick up his ass, gave a howl.                      
He then pulled it out                                       
And with a great shout,                                     
Wiped off his butt on the turdy dowel.                      
                                                            
57186 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Tom Patton               



Reverend Spooner, who kept the ship's log,                  
Recorded each zig-zag and jog                               
Through the mist and the rain                               
And went on to explain                                      
That the Captain was ducking the fog.                       
                                                            
57187 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           John E Mayhood           



A babe lost its diaper then tore                            
On all fours, at great speed, 'cross the floor,             
Like those birds of great verve,                            
One can often observe,                                      
That now and then flit on the shore.                        
                                                            
57188 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9411



A procrastinator of late                                    
Was told by St. Pete at the Gate,                           
"You know very well                                         
You've been sentenced to Hell,                              
For repeatedly ducking your fate".                          
                                                            
57189 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Jemstone                 



A designer of fences can braze                              
A rampart that ably allays                                  
Dog's desires to roam                                       
Or to wander from home,                                     
And his company's called "Gates & Strays."                  
                                                            
57190 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Homosexuals ardently pray for,                              
A partner who worships; to play for.                        
For when all's done and said,                               
In the boudoir and bed,                                     
One only can pet what one's gay for.                        
                                                            
57191 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



A Dutch lad, libido a-surge,                                
Found wanking a pet way to purge.                           
When his ma, in distress,                                   
Found his sheets such a mess,                               
"Lo, thou, and goo dikewise," would urge.                   
                                                            
57192 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9712



Ill-wed to a social misfit,                                 
She would not, to his carping, submit.                      
So, spooneristically,                                       
She, euphemistically,                                       
Proclaimed him her great shining wit.                       
                                                            
57193 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



Prince William would bugger a group                         
Of scouts on an wilderness troop.                           
When a fly-fisher stirred,                                  
He swears that he heard,                                    
"Hey, wader, an heir's in my poop!"                         
                                                            
57194 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



Frenzied groupies will often amok race,                     
To the stage door and there with the flock face,            
Every star who departs,                                     
And with fast-beating hearts,                               
Yearn to be 'tween a hard and a rock place.                 
                                                            
57195 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9712



There was a young lady named Pope,                          
Who said, " I don't sit down and mope,                      
But chuckle and laugh                                       
And sing in my bath,                                        
And come out my soul full of hope!"                         
                                                            
57196 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                               P9005



The fastfood guys all watch their clocks                    
And at breaktime they display their cocks.                  
Should the cop on the beat                                  
Ever stop by to eat,                                        
You can bet they'll be back in the jocks.                   
                                                            
57197 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Arthur Deex         P9802



The imperious golfer who struts,                            
From his drives but then bungles his putts,                 
Will soon find that such play                               
Makes for scores, judges say,                               
That will warrant a nick in the cuts.                       
                                                            
57198 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9901



While serving the fleet on two fronts,                      
Two hookers did not wash for months,                        
Then ordered off limits                                     
By Admiral Nimitz,                                          
Appalled by their loose, kinky stunts.                      
                                                            
57199 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9808



Where Fibreglass barques are thought chic,                  
Crafts of wood are considered antique.                      
Though, as sailors well know                                
For a sail, steam, or row                                   
There's nothing like laking a teak.                         
                                                            
57200 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



Marriage counselors these days are rife,                    
Charging fees as they weigh married strife.                 
I should have known sooner                                  
That doctor named Spooner                                   
Would charge me for weighing my life.                       
                                                            
57201 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Jemstone                 



The gay women's sports team just brims,                     
With a bevy that runs, bikes and swims,                     
Who only would traffic,                                     
With girls who were Sapphic,                                
Most especially those who'd quick limbs.                    
                                                            
57202 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico   P0306 



Through chapped lips, a gay Brit lipped on chaps,           
Who lapped chips in a pub near the taps.                    
His teeth were a-snaggle,                                   
So he left a gaggle                                         
Of sore chaps with severely chipped laps.                   
                                                            
57203 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9610



The fellows all thought her fantastic,                      
Performing her tricks so gymnastic,                         
Her panties start sliding,                                  
It's all so exciting,                                       
They're all glad of that Lucy Lastic.                       
                                                            
57204 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



Though with Spoonerisms afflicted was she,                  
When propositioned, spoke immediately;                      
She confused him instead,                                   
When she passionately said,                                 
"Yes, yes, my darling--make tea!"                           
                                                            
57205 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Jim Menger          P9207



The wanker who's ever in heat,                              
To ply, unassisted, this feat,                              
Like a drummer on traps,                                    
Who will flail, without lapse,                              
Metronomically meeting his beat.                            
                                                            
57206 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9712



Near a shiny light beer can was Dwight,                     
Slyly dropping his trousers one night                       
In a bar in Rangoon,                                        
Pantomiming the tune:                                       
"By the Moon of the Silvery Light."                         
                                                            
57207 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Cyber Geezer             



An abuser of poultry, they say,                             
Caused his family the deepest dismay.                       
Evermore on the prowl,                                      
With a bias most foul,                                      
He would howl, "This is my ducky lay!"                      
                                                            
57208 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9712



Stein plied her with oysters and wine                       
And the date was proceeding just fine.                      
But as he had feared,                                       
Her husband appeared --                                     
A niche in time might have saved Stein.                     
                                                            
57209 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           John E Mayhood           



A Scots sailor, name of McPhee,                             
Who spoonerized to a degree,                                
Once shouted, "A wanker!"                                   
Instead of "Weigh anchor!"                                  
And spoke of himself as "PhcMee."                           
                                                            
57210 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Linda Marsh Coll    P9912



An affable new oyster shucker,                              
Would kindly give kitchen help succor,                      
And for his devotion,                                       
He got a promotion,                                         
To work as a head pheasant plucker.                         
                                                            
57211 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9712



A bony old harlot named Gluck,                              
Charged a dollar each time she was stuck.                   
Once she got sorely miffed                                  
With a john for he stiffed                                  
Her and left her a crisp, phony buck.                       
                                                            
57212 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9511



Once, a girl playing strip poker,                           
Lost her panties and just to provoke her,                   
Her opponent, the shit,                                     
Tried to fondle her clit,                                   
He, being avid pip stroker.                                 
                                                            
57213 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9808



"I'm sure I remember those knees; you're                    
Denise (or Louise) my old squeeze."  "You're                
Mistaken; I'm Dot                                           
With a hot-to-trot twat."                                   
"Well in that case, I'm sure meat to please ya."            
                                                            
57214 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



Scotland's quaint local color's a treat,                    
Without which no trip is complete.                          
So while there, take a tour,                                
To observe on the moor,                                     
Some old bog digger mounding his peat.                      
                                                            
57215 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P0306



One can see from his priapic stance,                        
That no armor could check it's advance.                     
Unequaled for stabbing,                                     
For jousting and jabbing,                                   
Is a knight with a pump in his lance.                       
                                                            
57216 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9911



Two bull dykes; one stout and one slim,                     
Ran foot-races chasing young trim.                          
And the one who was thin,                                   
Managed always to win,                                      
So she was the quicker of limb.                             
                                                            
57217 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico         



A libertine, after a quake                                  
Went astray, as I heard it's been spake.                    
His autobiography,                                          
Now labeled pornography,                                    
Is called "Ardors of the Lost Rake".                        
                                                            
57218 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



The satyr of Capitol Hill,                                  
Molests, gropes, fondles at will,                           
Knowing full well he's immune,                              
From all those who'd impugn,                                
What he claims as his own "Rights of Bill."                 
                                                            
57219 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9806



Two anally fixated chicks                                   
Used their art to turn lucrative tricks,                    
Whe they shifted from jumps                                 
To their flair tonguing rumps,                              
And thrilled clients with skilled rimmer licks.             
                                                            
57220 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9703



The novel, A Tale of Two Cities--                           
For more sales, A tale of Three Cities.                     
Then this proved fallacious,                                
They made it salacious                                      
And named it A Sale of Two Titties.                         
                                                            
57221 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Irving Superior     P9410



A wet nurse, so go olden ditties,                           
Was handled by several committees;                          
A Dickensian plot,                                          
Full of irony shot,                                         
Involving a sale of two titties.                            
                                                            
57222 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



We often use humor to twit,                                 
To tease or to needle a bit.                                
At its best it's a joy,                                     
At its worst just a ploy                                    
Of repulsively rank shifts of wit.                          
                                                            
57223 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9602



A dyslexic delinquent named Chuck                           
With graffiti has terrible luck.                            
He will cover the walls                                     
With ridiculous scrawls,                                    
Such as (and I quote) "SICK MY DUCK!"                       
                                                            
57224 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Norm Storer              



To a hay mow, a farm boy named Jack,                        
Took a nymphet named Barbara to sack.                       
"Take me sternward," she cried;                             
The lad quickly complied,                                   
With passionate Babs in the stack.                          
                                                            
57225 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandimenico    P0001



A flatulent sculptor would warm,                            
To his clay every day as his norm.                          
With artistic belief,                                       
To produce bas-relief,                                      
He needed to start up a form.                               
                                                            
57226 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9805



A flatulent student named Norm                              
Forced everyone out of the dorm,                            
After eating some beans                                     
And some salty sardines,                                    
And then, started one hell of a form.                       
                                                            
57227 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Cap'n Bean          P9911



My rock throwing skills all were honed                      
By throwing at sea birds, two-toned.                        
The locals all yelled,                                      
But I was compelled                                         
To leave them with no stern untoned.                        
                                                            
57228 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



This Irishman's life, in the bud                            
Was nipped by his wife, with a thud,                        
When she found him with Lonigan                             
While getting it on again,                                  
And for being a mick in the stud.                           
                                                            
57229 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



In football, a female, Sally Hunt                           
Played each game 'cause she knew how to punt.               
Said every team member,                                     
"We'll always remember                                      
So much fun with her neat kicky stunt."                     
                                                            
57230 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Tom Patton          P0306



A decadent fellow named Fife,                               
Whos conjugal habits were rife                              
With such unnatural acts,                                   
Friends said, "God, Jack, relax,                            
And give up these strange lays of wife."                    
                                                            
57231 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



The limerick form is a spun art,                            
Often written by some who are unsmart,                      
Variations abound,                                          
Among those to be found,                                    
Some spoonericks sound like a pun fart.                     
                                                            
57232 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P0201



For piercing the shiek's throbbing knob,                    
They called a gemologist, Bob.                              
Used a hammer and nail                                      
On the Prince (who did wail)                                
But he had the right jewel for the tob.                     
                                                            
57233 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



A retired cartoonist, named Lang                            
Was distressed 'cause he missed the old gang.               
There's an expression                                       
For his depression.                                         
It's simply a case ot 'toon pang.                           
                                                            
57234 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Tom Patton          P9808



A hooker who humped Jacques Cousteau,                       
Swamped schooners wherever she'd go.                        
And boats with a motor                                      
Had less chance to float her.                               
Results were one tough ho' to row.                          
                                                            
57235 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



A talented tart who is hot,                                 
And has stunts to make beds spin a lot,                     
With her favors so slick,                                   
Never wants for a trick,                                    
When she's good with her warm, twirly cot.                  
                                                            
57236 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9912



Reminds me a time, long since flown,                        
My wanger's endurance well known,                           
When in small Turkish villages,                             
Without any spillages,                                      
I oft stilled two Kurds with one bone.                      
                                                            
57237 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



An auto-erotic display                                      
Was "The Order of Onan" soiree.                             
It's members/supporters,                                    
While viewed by reporters,                                  
Sang the club theme song, "Wankers Array."                  
                                                            
57238 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



A sneak thief, name of Hodges,                              
Made a living snatching watches.                            
His big brother Mercer,                                     
Does the same, but vice verser!                             
Dirty bugger! Buenos Noches.                                
(must have been trained by Jimmie Swaggart)                 
57239 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Jim Weaver Collection    



"Carved Bantams!", the Colonel now cries,                   
"A boon to all dieters wise."                               
The sly man may be right,                                   
I've lost weight since that night,                          
He first sold me those whittled, light thighs.              
                                                            
57240 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9806



The mayor's wife in the small town of Rhyl,                 
Took a lover - one William John Hill.                       
With her husband not there,                                 
This illicit affair,                                        
Showed where Mayor's away there's a Will !                  
                                                            
57241 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY                                    



Said a nympho, "I strongly declare it,                      
They make no sense at all who say, 'Spare it,'              
And when dealing with lust,                                 
One should wear out, not rust.                              
I say if the woo fits, then share it."                      
                                                            
57242 PUNS - SPOON - BAWDY           Bob Giandomenico    P9806



A strike at the factory of canners;                         
Pickets were assigned by the planners.                      
The signs that they waved                                   
Were crude and depraved.                                    
A vulgar display of mad banners.                            
                                                            
57243 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Thomas M Patton     P9901



An Irishman, fleeing his plight,                            
Stowed away on a ship for a night.                          
But returned to the famine                                  
While the craft he was damnin',                             
'Cause the barque, it was worse than the blight.            
                                                            
57244 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN                                    



A dog, Rover, the pet of Ms. Dover,                         
Slipped his harness and then was run over                   
By a fast moving truck,                                     
A sad bit of luck,                                          
The result surely being un-Rover.                           
                                                            
57245 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



This gossip queen, doyenne of prattle.                      
Treats her subject, the stars, much like cattle.            
But her books that tell all,                                
Keep her readers in thrall,                                 
For she's seldom bested in tattle.                          
                                                            
57246 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



By the seaside George Gershwin had planned                  
To dawdle and lie in the sand,                              
But decided instead,                                        
Once he got out of bed,                                     
In the morning to bike up the strand.                       
                                                            
57247 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A female designer named Hughes                              
Specialized in blue shirts -- matching shoes.               
In financial bad times                                      
Modified her designs;                                       
Changed the firm's name from The House of Blues.            
                                                            
57248 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Tom Patton          P0001



As we watch in a fuddle-brained fog,                        
Time tolls in it's resolute slog.                           
The millennium nears,                                       
Bringing doubt, hope and fears,                             
Mankind bides, a mere lump on a bog.                        
                                                            
57249 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P0001



A glass-maker had sent to a fair                            
Very delicate things to show there.                         
The result was a mess:                                      
He misspelled the address,                                  
And described them as "CANDLE WITH HARE."                   
                                                            
57250 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Graig Gigol              



Dr Spooner's small nephew agrees;                           
It's confusing at dinner, when he's                         
Served no birds of fine fettle                              
Nor small objects of metal                                  
But told, "Eat your parrots and keys!"                      
                                                            
57251 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Vassar              P0301



It's one of the natural laws:                               
All cats have claws ending their paws.                      
It's just grammar's rule,                                   
And a writer's tool,                                        
That commas pause, ending their clause.                     
                                                            
57252 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Larry Davis         P8508



To the bus, eyes jejune and jaws slack,                     
Fellow hospice's denizens tack,                             
For a trip to the zoo,                                      
With our drool bibs askew,                                  
De rigueur for my gooing chum pack.                         
                                                            
57253 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico         



Karl Marx, teaching bowling, explains                       
That to play the game doesn't take brains.                  
There are in each alley                                     
Ten pins one must tally                                     
And nothing to choose but one's lanes.                      
                                                            
57254 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



The woodcarver, Chung, is unique,                           
Carving droll figures, tongue in cheek.                     
Though his whole family's good                              
At their carving in wood,                                   
He's considered the best Chung in teak.                     
                                                            
57255 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9412



For the most part, a comma gives cause,                     
To show pause at the end of a clause.                       
Though unlikely, at that,                                   
To make sense to a cat,                                     
Who shows claws at the end of it's paws.                    
                                                            
57256 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



Frustrated young Mr. Hall                                   
Pushed his clone from a very high wall.                     
He said in disgust                                          
"All he does is cuss!"                                      
He was jailed for an obscene clone fall.                    
                                                            
57257 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Jim Weaver Collection    



When tresses no longer entassle                             
The pate and a barber's no vassal,                          
When the hair grows thin,                                   
Only then we begin                                          
To view a man's comb as his hassle.                         
                                                            
57258 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9606



A musician, although epicene,                               
Showed a flair, on Kazoo, that was keen;                    
He could tweedle and trill                                  
With a consumate skill                                      
And was named as a comb-humming Queen.                      
(epicene - lacking sexual characters)                       
57259 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Giant redwoods, that, having grown tall,                    
Drop their seeds like a softly thrown ball,                 
To the ground far below,                                    
There for nature to sow,                                    
And to make a long distance cone fall.                      
                                                            
57260 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9712



When abusing her spouse, Mrs. Hooper,                       
Behaves like an irate storm trooper.                        
She attacks his bald pate,                                  
With both skillet and plate;                                
A savage when she conks to stupor.                          
                                                            
57261 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9602



Navy's badminton team, a most stately                       
Group of gentlemen, mannered sedately,                      
Save for one waggish kid,                                   
Who, for "birds" used live squid,                           
And when served would those cuttle shock greatly.           
                                                            
57262 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9711



Hoover Dam never faails to amaze;                           
So for Vegas, Tom left in a daze.                           
Though the slots and the gash                               
Removed all his cash,                                       
Nonetheless, Tom was faint with dam praise.                 
                                                            
57263 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Hugh Clary               



The pistol range galleries thrive;                          
Bullets buzzing like drones in a hive.                      
Arms controllers all say,                                   
We should blame NRA,                                        
For these pits leave more lead than a dive.                 
                                                            
57264 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P0001



Pro-lifers and pro-choicers greet us,                       
Each contending the other's quietus.                        
What pro-lifers hold dear,                                  
The pro-choicers make clear,                                
It's one's option to de-perp the foetus.                    
                                                            
57265 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



A comic's career hit a snag                                 
Every night he would tell the same gag.                     
He was fired in disgrace;                                   
It was clearly a case                                       
Of an old tale just dogging the wag.                        
                                                            
57266 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P8811



The Shan of Algiers was a man                               
With charisma, esprit, and elan.                            
His harem got hectic                                        
When he turned epileptic --                                 
Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?                   
                                                            
57267 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Martin Wellborn     P8407



Imagine please--a butter fly.                               
Then, no matter how you try;                                
The imagery makes                                           
With Spooner mistakes,                                      
One you can't beat-- a flutter by.                          
                                                            
57268 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Larry J. Davis      P9410



Said a pretty model named Rose,                             
"I have a big problem to pose.                              
My house payment's due,                                     
Don't know what I'll do,                                    
'Cause I have no money -- forclose!"                        
                                                            
57269 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Observer                 



Cutting mats for an artistic Satyr,                         
She, one day, was seduced by the latter.                    
As she lay there unclad,                                    
She just murmurred, "Egad,"                                 
And was henceforth adjudged a had matter.                   
                                                            
57270 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9602



Young George at the cherry tree, very                       
Intent with his axe, chopped a flurry.                      
When his mother asked why,                                  
George said, "Mama, no lie,                                 
I just wanted to hatchet the berry."                        
                                                            
57271 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



With his characteristic ill-luck,                           
Down with measles, the Finn boy was struck.                 
Said a doctor, called in                                    
When he viewed the lad's chin,                              
"This may leave your skin pocky, Huck."                     
                                                            
57272 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9901



A transposing preacher named Copes,                         
Once stumbled while learning the ropes;                     
Yelling, "Ladies of Charlotte,                              
Your skins are all harlot,                                  
No wonder you've got hymning dopes."                        
                                                            
57273 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Graham Lester            



A Greek poet who feels the sharp goads,                     
As writer's block slowly forebodes,                         
Knows a transient state,                                    
That in time will abate,                                    
Being merely, the rile of odes.                             
                                                            
57274 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



Will you love only me, without fail?                        
Or are you a two-timing male?                               
"Oh my love, don't you see,                                 
You've a monopoly,"                                         
Replied Joe directly to Gail.                               
                                                            
57275 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Paul Lusch          P9410



A pair who'd together been foined,                          
In marriage were lawfully joined--                          
A happy proceeding                                          
That led to good breeding,                                  
They being so joyfully loined.                              
(foined - thrusted as with a spear)                         
57276 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Train wheels hurtling, clickety-clack,                      
While the brakemen play bridge in the back,                 
A diversion that may                                        
Create havoc to pay,                                        
Which is likely when trumping the jack.                     
                                                            
57277 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9901



Dr. Spooner, his son at his side,                           
Went to witness two houses allied.                          
When the wedding was done,                                  
Spooner said to his son,                                    
"Now it's kisstomarry to cuss the bride."                   
                                                            
57278 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Lauarence Perrine   P9410



The postmaster endured pain and shocks;                     
All the mail disappeared at the docks.                      
Security increased                                          
And the pilfering ceased --                                 
The result of the new letter box.                           
                                                            
57279 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Tom Patton          P9911



Two overweight horsemen from Firth                          
Were know as ideal males of girth;                          
When jokes were recounted,                                  
They quickly dismounted--                                   
And turned into two Gaels of mirth.                         
                                                            
57280 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Norm Storer         P9411



There was a young fellow named Alice                        
Who wrote a strange song about Dallas.                      
He friends said, "Don't try it --                           
It may cause a riot.                                        
Have you given no forethought to malice?"                   
                                                            
57281 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Neal Wilgus         P8303



A submissive male hooker will sing                          
Of a Sodomite's joys in Peking.                             
So this gay Caucasian,                                      
Has thoughts of "going Asian,"                              
The can who, friends say, would be ming.                    
                                                            
57282 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



An unruly church chorus bestrews                            
The choir loft with chairs and eschews                      
All good sense of tones,                                    
While their leader bemoans                                  
Their not minding their keys and their pews.                
                                                            
57283 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A sad sack's submissive request,                            
To attend one's soiree as a guest,                          
Would be better ignored,                                    
For a host can't afford,                                    
Party poopers who nether a fest.                            
                                                            
57284 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9711



Christmas pudding is full of fruit;                         
For me, fruit like that doesn't suit.                       
But I do have lots                                          
Because many tots.                                          
By then, I am nissed as a pewt.                             
                                                            
57285 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Tony Burrell             



There was an old Doctor named Spooner,                      
A target for every lampooner.                               
If the meeches he sputtered,                                
Had not spleen so buttered,                                 
We'd no doubt forget him such mooner.                       
                                                            
57286 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Richard Long             



A music store that quite a dunce,                           
Called Jim Opernockety runs,                                
Will fix your piano,                                        
But only have one go...                                     
Opernockety only tunes once.                                
                                                            
57287 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN                                    



While out on the pond in a punt,                            
I saw Reverend Spooner in front.                            
He said, "What a day gay!"                                  
And "Anchors aweigh!"                                       
And "Make way for my podding sunt!"                         
                                                            
57288 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bill Wall                



To garden is simple and cheap;                              
Sow your seeds in good soil, not deep.                      
In a place where there's sun,                               
Water well and when done,                                   
Watch them grow and then weed them and reap.                
                                                            
57289 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



Some puss stole the milk, so my scheme                      
Is to picture an udder's white stream,                      
For I'm confident that                                      
This criminal cat                                           
Will return to the sign of the cream.                       
                                                            
57290 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Norm Storer         P9206



Each April brings far greater heights,                      
To those chomps which taxation incites.                     
Making citizens steam,                                      
At this non-ending stream,                                  
Which they deem as their own Rill of Bites.                 
                                                            
57291 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9805



A naive young fellow named Groot                            
Was swindled by a swami so cute.                            
He said, "I'm a bad sport."                                 
So he took her to court,                                    
Naming her in his seer sucker suit.                         
                                                            
57292 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Tom Patton          P9607



One dark night Dorothy swam for a lark.                     
For large fish Dorothy's an easy mark.                      
Alas and alack                                              
She never came back;                                        
The result was a shot in the dark.                          
                                                            
57293 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Tom Patton          P9911



I was hoping the pickles were cheap,                        
But his prices had caused me to weep.                       
When I asked, "Why so high?"                                
I heard him reply,                                          
"Well, you know that dill waters run steep."                
                                                            
57294 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN                                    



A ship bound for a tropical isle,                           
Found a passenger not in their file,                        
Who embarked on a dare.                                     
Without paying his fare,                                    
Sometimes labeled as "stowing in guile".                    
                                                            
57295 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



A fine festive figure he'd cut,                             
With his dog and his banjo ajut;                            
In the New Year's Parade,                                   
What a sight they both made,                                
While the crowd cheered the old strummer's mutt.            
                                                            
57296 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9602



Does that sly and libidinous runt,                          
Loose those barbs from which men feel the brunt,            
And are these what impart                                   
That keen pain in the heart,                                
Of a figment of some Cupid stunt?                           
                                                            
57297 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Biandomenico    P9901



The navy once tendered salutes                              
To a group of quick-witted young boots,                     
When their fog-horn alarm                                   
Kept their ship safe from harm,                             
With a series of sailor-mate toots.                         
                                                            
57298 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9901



At the school for fine chefs, Mr. Herm                      
Was preparing a Stew Pachyderm,                             
But the poor beast had lain                                 
Far too long on the plain,                                  
And he said, "I have tasted a worm."                        
                                                            
57299 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Al Chaplin          P9410



A schoolmaster's fate has been said                         
To be juxtaposition instead                                 
Of a sensible word.                                         
This is what we heard:                                      
"You've tasted two worms," said the Head.                   
                                                            
57300 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bill Backe-Hansen   P9410



G-Man Ness and his crew used their heads,                   
Finding ways to rip mobs into shreds.                       
By gosh and begorra                                         
Each wore a fedora;                                         
All the thugs call this group the Hat Feds.                 
                                                            
57301 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Tom Patton               



Of time-keeping examples sublime,                           
The digital watch is a prime                                
Of a much finer stock                                       
Than the analogue clock.                                    
It's passe to have hands on one's time.                     
                                                            
57302 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9608



The alarm on the stand starts to chime,                     
And Marceau from his covers does climb.                     
Two bread slices down                                       
Until they are brown--                                      
His breakfast fare, toast of the mime.                      
                                                            
57303 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Paul Lusch          P9410



Violinist, how surely you've learned                        
Your art which has plaudits returned,                       
From your critics who say,                                  
So distinctive your play,                                   
That it's clear you leave no tone un-Sterned.               
                                                            
57304 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9802



Isaac Stern, at an early age, learned                       
That musical skill must be earned.                          
He played chords day and night                              
Until they were right;                                      
There wasn't a tone left unSterned.                         
                                                            
57305 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           H Myers             T9801



A Minsk newsboy once strove to surpass,                     
His ilk of the great lower class;                           
An industrious lad,                                         
In as much as he had,                                       
Not much else but his small clutch of Tass                  
                                                            
57306 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9804



My watch is in deepest disgrace:                            
With his hands held up over his face,                       
Now the milk has been spilt,                                
He expressed his gilt.                                      
There is cause for alarm in this case.                      
                                                            
57307 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Laurence Perrine    P9404



Squimes, a cabbie in Gotham with flair,                     
Will race with a late-coming fare.                          
As through streets he careers,                              
It's a sad tale of veers,                                   
With despair, his fares watching Squimes tear.              
                                                            
57308 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9511



This gamut that bristles with palms                         
Gives tourists the strongest of qualms,                     
For so out of control                                       
Are these throngs on the dole,                              
With their mission of welfare to alms.                      
                                                            
57309 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9410



The captain of the ship Ellie Mae,                          
Was beguiled by the smell of sea spray.                     
When they ran aground,                                      
He swore and he frowned                                     
Saying, "I must find a wetter bay."                         
                                                            
57310 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Tom Patton               



The Swiss nine-pin team just extols,                        
How the archer so skillfully rolls;                         
As adept with his throws,                                   
As with arrows and bows,                                    
It's his canton from whom the Tell bowls.                   
                                                            
57311 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9602



Old William looked out on the bay                           
At the ships always sailing away.                           
They never dropped spanker                                  
Or threw out the anchor...                                  
Seems where there's a Will, there's aweigh.                 
                                                            
57312 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN                                    



Bill Spooner, a man mystifying,                             
Was funny, there is no denying.                             
To emulate him,                                             
I'd give up a limb,                                         
I'll do it or else I'll try dying.                          
                                                            
57313 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Margaret A. Murdock P8304



A beanery pridefully slings                                 
Fried chicken that painfully brings                         
Much distension with gas;                                   
One is pressured to pass,                                   
After some of those thunderous wings.                       
                                                            
57314 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9901



Poor Tony the barber's forlorn                              
Since his worn little shop people scorn.                    
Though he trims with great skill                            
Patrons' heads, they will still                             
Refer to his shop as "Wop Shorn."                           
                                                            
57315 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Boib Giandomenico   P9511



Each night a saloon's boozy throng,                         
Lifts it's voice--raucous, strident and strong.             
And with chortles and brays,                                
Very loudly displays,                                       
It's a world of deranged woozy song.                        
                                                            
57316 PUNS - SPOON - CLEAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9703



When accused by his wife moralistically,                    
Of running around (euphemistically),                        
"If the charge were correct,                                
I'd have to protect                                         
The lady," said Tom altruistically.                         
                                                            
57317 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



"I like music and lights, psychedelical,                    
That flash in their spirals so helical;                     
When a sandwich I crave,                                    
Peanut butter's my fave,"                                   
Said Tom, in a manner angelical.                            
                                                            
57318 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"While eating a pie with my Mom,                            
I put in a finger and from                                  
The depths of its mound                                     
I finally found                                             
A cherry!" said Jack, with aplomb.                          
                                                            
57319 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"The electricity's on," he said amply,                      
"And I just spilled my juice," she said, damply.            
"I need parts for my wheel,"                                
He spoke with some zeal.                                    
Then let me bite your neck," she said vamply.               
                                                            
57320 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tom Accousti             



"Dear Jane, may I speak to you frankly?                     
I know that you've been feeling dankly.                     
But your suicide                                            
Will just be implied --                                     
Those bullets won't work," said Tom blankly.                
                                                            
57321 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



"This meat that I found in the cupboard                     
Is as tough as old leather and rubbered.                    
Like a boot that is greasy,                                 
Kind of oily and cheesy,                                    
So I think it's a whale," Tom blubbered.                    
                                                            
57322 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



Here's one that has really historic-ly                      
Been stolen from Time Magazine, I plea.                     
It seems to be that                                         
More'n one way to skin a cat,                               
Said Thomas, quite categorically.                           
                                                            
57323 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"I sit on my heels," said Tom, "So's                        
To stop, to my feet, the blood flows.                       
It's held up complete,                                      
By pressure -- my feet                                      
Go to sleep," Tom Swift said, comatose.                     
                                                            
57324 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



Tom's young sister Constance abused                         
The lamp socket, which she had used                         
For heating, and blew                                       
The circuit.  "What?, Who?                                  
What's happening?" Tom cried confused.                      
(He was delighted.)                                         
57325 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



To Tom's study Constance comes nightly,                     
And chatters inanely but brightly.                          
"Stop talking so crass,                                     
Or I'll kick your dumb ass,                                 
Regretably," Tom says contritely.                           
                                                            
57326 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"You sound like a frog," his friend joked,                  
"It must be the cigs that you smoked.                       
They will kill you, you know!"                              
"Well we all have to go.                                    
No one lives forever," Tom croaked.                         
                                                            
57327 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Observer                 



"When the nymphs that inhabit my land                       
Were frightened, I gave them a hand;                        
With the skill of a sniper,                                 
I killed the Greek piper                                    
That I found in my woods," Tom deadpanned.                  
                                                            
57328 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



Not well has our long marriage fared;                       
I've found out, and you must be scared.                     
For Claire, you're untrue;                                  
The consequence rue,                                        
For now we'll divorce, Tom declared.                        
                                                            
57329 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Archie                   



When into the mirror he stared,                             
At the gain in his weight, he despaired;                    
With his strength fully mustered,                           
"No more pastries with custard,                             
That are chocolate iced," Tom declared.                     
                                                            
57330 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



"This Latin stuff sure is a bind;                           
These verb conjugations I find,                             
I can't hammer down,                                        
And as for the nouns,                                       
Mensa, mensam...No!" Tom declined.                          
                                                            
57331 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



Tom viewed the brain surgeon with dread.                    
"Waddya mean, you missed my head?                           
I see at a glance,                                          
Now I'll never dance!"                                      
Our poor Tom defeatedly said.                               
                                                            
57332 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



"Please descale the kettle, Tom," purred                    
Mary, but Tom never stirred.                                
"I've too much to do.                                       
Wait a minute or two,"                                      
Said Tom and the thing was deferred.                        
                                                            
57333 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



He'd been driving alone, so elated,                         
But the tires were so poorly rated,                         
The tires they blew.                                        
The spare was flat too.                                     
"I'm airless," said Tom, so deflated.                       
                                                            
57334 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               CM                       



"McDogshit's?" said Tom on the phone,                       
"This Chicken MuckThing has a bone,                         
That came, I am sure                                        
From the tabby next door,"                                  
Said Tom in a deli-cat tone.                                
                                                            
57335 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"That girl plays her CDs at great                           
Volume, at night to create                                  
A terrible din.                                             
It does my head in.                                         
I'm sad," said Tom dis-con-so-late.                         
                                                            
57336 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



Old Tom is as brave as can be;                              
Theme from Patton's his favorite CD.                        
But when he pressed play,                                   
He was heard to bray,                                       
"It's broken," discouragingly.                              
                                                            
57337 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hans                     



Tom basked in the sunny warm day,                           
And was awed by the tulips display.                         
Saw buds in the trees,                                      
Heard the birds and the bees...                             
"April's over!" said Tom in dismay.                         
                                                            
57338 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



Though a difficult journey, decidedly,                      
He restrained them from leaving, backslidedly.              
"I've been told by the boss,                                
That tomorrow we'll cross                                   
The Red Sea," promised Moses, dividedly.                    
                                                            
57339 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Erika                    



"I used to save money extensively                           
And shopped (if at all) apprehensively.                     
But now I don't fuss;                                       
I don't worry or cuss;                                      
I just spend it," said Thomas ex-pensively.                 
                                                            
57340 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Peter Wilkins            



She taunted and scolded and goaded;                         
But Tom got a gun;  "It is loaded,                          
So don't think I'm bragging.                                
You keep up your nagging,                                   
I'll shoot off hour head," Tom exploded.                    
                                                            
57341 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy                    



Those berries Tom ate were corroded,                        
So there in his pants he unloaded:                          
"Oh, damn, I can't stop                                     
This shit!  Bring a mop                                     
And bucket right quick!" Tom exploded.                      
                                                            
57342 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"It's time now that Sterling be grounded,                   
And fears of inflation confounded.                          
So heed this alert                                          
And to Euros convert;                                       
It's the right thing to do," Tom expounded.                 
                                                            
57343 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Peter Wilkins            



"The bell tower was dark, damp and cold;                    
Ringing night after night got so old,                       
The priest gave me praises,                                 
But never pay raises...                                     
So I quit my job," Tom extolled.                            
                                                            
57344 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Observer                 



"I'm wondering, not-at-all speciously,                      
But is there a word you've capriciously                     
Come upon in your prowls,                                   
That has all the vowels                                     
In order?" Tom questioned facetiously.                      
                                                            
57345 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



Perhaps there's a word that displays                        
The vowels arranged in those ways.                          
I think I'll eschew                                         
Such words. They are too                                    
Much," Tom abstemiously brays.                              
                                                            
57346 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



While he stared at her implement blankly,                   
"I don't want to get paddled, Miss Wankleigh!               
Though you say it's romantic,                               
You're making me frantic                                    
And fearful," said Tom, freaking spankly.                   
                                                            
57347 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



Poor Jane, who found life somewhat slavely,                 
Tried ending it, often quite knavely.                       
"One day she just might                                     
Do everything right,                                        
Then we'll have to dig," said Tom gravely.                  
                                                            
57348 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Archie                   



At the wake poor Tom did collide                            
With Joe, so he thought he'd confide:                       
"I tell you, by heck, Joe,                                  
I'm not a gay necro!"                                       
Tom, gravely, in dead earnest, cried.                       
                                                            
57349 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"While binding each volume quite slimly,                    
They wrote all their fairy tales primly,                    
For kids, short and tall,                                   
And I seem to recall                                        
They were brothers," reflected Tom grimly.                  
                                                            
57350 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Henry Hurst              



Said Mary: "To see who's the best,                          
Dear Tom, I will ask you one quest-                         
Ion: my habitation                                          
Is here.  Our relation-                                     
Ships...?"  "Um, Mary hostess..."  Tom guessed.             
                                                            
57351 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"This morning at rest in my nest,                           
I was stressed when the doorbell was pressed.               
Since I wanted the quiet,                                   
And when people came by, it                                 
Meant company's coming," Tom guessed.                       
                                                            
57352 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



"No, Mary, no entry's permitted.                            
Your ticket, my dear, you've omitted.                       
But as you're so sweet,                                     
I'll find you a seat.                                       
So come along in," Tom admitted.                            
                                                            
57353 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



My chauffeur has gone for a ride,                           
And the gardener recently died;                             
Our nanny has fled,                                         
While the cook's gone and wed                               
The butler!" Tom helplessly cried.                          
                                                            
57354 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



Finance, it intrigues Tom greatly.                          
Dividends have been low lately.                             
That isn't funny.                                           
Wanting more money,                                         
Tom spoke to the banker I-rately.                           
                                                            
57355 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"Oh Cynthia darling, come here,                             
I'll murmur sweeet nothings, my dear.                       
I'll be yours 'til cars                                     
Can fly to the stars.                                       
It's true, whispered Tom in Cyn's ear."                     
                                                            
57356 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"Since burning those joss sticks commenced,                 
I'm growing yet more and more tensed.                       
They smell really bad,                                      
They're making me mad                                       
With anger," cried Tommy, incensed.                         
                                                            
57357 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



Whenever his brain gets too tired,                          
Tom goes to the church, and is fired                        
With fresh mental power.                                    
He climbs the tall tower,                                   
And ideas soon come...Tom's inspired!                       
                                                            
57358 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"There's one thing in Russia that's certain;                
Put blackouts not sheers, up for flirtin'.                  
Whether draped, tucked, or pleated                          
Or just old bedsheeted,                                     
Neat coverings are IN!" Tom ironed curtains.                
                                                            
57359 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Cyber Wizard             



"Of my relations, some are inbred,                          
So I hate when they quite often tread                       
To my door for a stay,                                      
And I pray for a way                                        
To avoid it," said Tom in kindred.                          
                                                            
57360 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



In grocery stores, Tom lost his head.                       
"I can't quite decide to buy bread                          
Or milk or birdseed.                                        
I don't know what I need --                                 
I'm useless," Tom listlessly said.                          
                                                            
57361 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Erika                    



Our Tom rapped his fist on the table:                       
"Now ladies and gents, I'm unable                           
To find us a stall                                          
For this poor horse at all,"                                
Said Tom in a manner unstable.                              
                                                            
57362 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"Have you a sex life?" I asked quizzically.                 
Tom shuffled and said aphrodisiacally,                      
"I've only one gal,                                         
And she's a penpal,                                         
So I've not," he said metaphysically.                       
                                                            
57363 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"Five dollars I'm offered, that's all                       
For this coffin," cries auctioneer Paul.                    
"Is that six I hear?"                                       
Came a voice from the rear,                                 
"Five fifty," Tom morbidly calls.                           
                                                            
57364 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"Theatrical agent Jim Crittall?                             
This part as a frog does belittle                           
My talents and so,                                          
I can't say yes or no                                       
To that role, sir," said Tom non-kermit-al.                 
                                                            
57365 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"Beg your pardon, dear Tom," said Miss Dormull,             
"Though I don't wish to sound quite so formal,              
What's the cause of that bulge?                             
Are you well?  Please divulge!"                             
"Worry not," said Tom stiffly, "It's normal."               
                                                            
57366 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



Canuck-luring long has been banned                          
By RCMP royal command.                                      
"Those caught in the act                                    
With fingers intact,                                        
Will lose 'em", Tom murmured, offhand.                      
                                                            
57367 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"I must get it through my thick head,                       
That Doctor Doolittle is dead.                              
I won't be tryin'                                           
To pet that lion                                            
Again."  Tom offhandedly said.                              
                                                            
57368 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



"I do easy math in my head,                                 
Sum it up just as fast as auld Ned.                         
Take six and add four;                                      
Or eight plus two more;                                     
Is half a score," Tom often said.                           
                                                            
57369 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



So Tom left the tower for lunch;                            
Bent down, from his back came a crunch.                     
"I reckon as I know                                         
How old Quasimodo                                           
Got his," murmured Tom on a hunch.                          
                                                            
57370 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



The noise that a bee makes, frenetically,                   
Is ordained by nature, genetically.                         
"From that, without doubt,                                  
The word 'buzz' came about,"                                
Said Tom, onomatopoetically.                                
                                                            
57371 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Murphy                   



"At dinner time, frying the hash,                           
I decided to pour in a splash                               
Of brandy, but rot!                                         
The pan was so hot,                                         
It ignited," said Tom, with panache.                        
                                                            
57372 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



While cooking his bacon and hash,                           
The fry-pan caught fire in a flash.                         
His wife shouted "Hon?                                      
What the Hell have you done?"                               
"It exploded," said Tom with panache.                       
                                                            
57373 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Peter Wilkins            



"I've built a spitoon, automatic,"                          
Called Tom from way up in the attic.                        
"It grabs every bit                                         
Of crud that you spit,"                                     
Said Tom, in a tone quite phlegmatic.                       
                                                            
57374 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy                    



This week, I've been reading it nightly,                    
And I have to confess most contritely,                      
"The Raven"'s too long                                      
With a meter too strong                                     
For enjoyment," Tom mentioned politely.  (Poe-lightly)      
                                                            
57375 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



Through the Okefenokee he wandered;                         
He hithered and thithered and yondered.                     
"It won't float a barge,                                    
But is this thing large                                     
Enough for a lake?" Tom pondered.                           
                                                            
57376 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



I'm getting this terrible sense                             
Of doom, and disaster, and hence,                           
I'm all in a flurry,                                        
And twitching with worry,"                                  
Said Tom, in the present tense.                             
                                                            
57377 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



Quite tight in the throat, poor Tom grasped,                
And with his last breath, out he gasped:                    
"I don't think it's straw                                   
That's stuck in my craw.                                    
Just what are those berries," Tom rasped.                   
                                                            
57378 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



"Oh, Bloody old Murphy," he muttered.                       
That law that he shouldn't have uttered                     
On rotating toast,                                          
"It bugs me the most                                        
At breakfast," said Tom, then rebuttered.                   
                                                            
57379 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



Tom dreamt that he died in damnation,                       
But was later reborn, in rotation,                          
As a hillbilly lad                                          
In coveralls clad...                                        
That's right, it was reintarnation.                         
                                                            
57380 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



"I'm not giving up meats of red!                            
Nor fruitcake, nor chocolate, nor bed;                      
Once again this year.                                       
Not scotch and not beer!                                    
Not me!" Tom relentlessly said.                             
                                                            
57381 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



Young Jefferson lightly debarked                            
From the Page on which he had parked.                       
But his frolicsome nat-                                     
Ure had smudged his John H.                                 
"I'll sign it again," Tom remarked.                         
                                                            
57382 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Brian Belge              



Road markings were dim and unsightly,                       
And near misses happened there nightly.                     
Tom Swift is a saint,                                       
"I'll get me some paint,                                    
And shine them up," Tom remarked brightly.                  
                                                            
57383 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



Said Mary, "The school lab's now sported                    
A load of new gear, most imported."                         
A pipette and flask                                         
Made elsewhere, I ask?                                      
"Ain't it a shame," Tom retorted.                           
                                                            
57384 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



My attempts at cake baking were thwarted,                   
'Cause I had all my layers assorted.                        
The sous-chef came along,                                   
And mixed them all wrong.                                   
I'm really ticked off," Tom retorted.                       
                                                            
57385 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Theater Gypsy            



While driving his carriage, 'twas jolted                    
By lightning shafts it was bolted.                          
"Now listen here, friend,                                   
This will be the end.                                       
I'm fed up with you!" Tom revolted.                         
                                                            
57386 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Archie                   



"For 56 years I've been wed                                 
To Ruth -- but last night she dropped dead;                 
I hope she's in Hades!                                      
Now I'll fuck the ladies                                    
At Maude's place!" Tom ruthlessly said.                     
                                                            
57387 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"With both Gus and Ted, you have dallied,                   
But from my despair I have rallied,                         
For I have a new gal,                                       
And her name is Sal,                                        
Begone, faithless woman!" Tom sallied.                      
                                                            
57388 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"I earlier partied cavortly,                                
Loving women both slender and portly,                       
But my fatal endeavor                                       
Was the fact that I'd ever                                  
Gone to bed with that nun," said Tid shortly.               
(Sis Chris has teeth in her vagina)                         
57389 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



Tom gasped and struggled around,                            
"I think it's the plum, that I found"                       
He tried to spit out                                        
The plum in his throat                                      
And then he shot the plum on the ground.                    
                                                            
57390 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



"Though ill, with my nose running thickly,                  
In the Gulag, I always worked quickly,                      
Building banners of wood                                    
That cold winters withstood                                 
In Siberia," hammered Tom sickly.                           
                                                            
57391 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Huch Clary               



You're drunk and disgusting!" she cried,                    
As Tom staggered in from outside.                           
"You're ugly, it's clear;                                   
But tomorrow, my dear,                                      
I'll be sober," Tom Swiftly replied.                        
                                                            
57392 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Peter Wilkins            



"I'd be likely to win the award                             
When the anagram contest is scored,                         
Were there just a way                                       
'Model import' to say.                                      
Can anyone help?" Tom implored.                             
                                                            
57393 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



He woke in the chill of the morn                            
To admire his garden, reborn.                               
"How terrible! How crass!                                   
Someone's stolen my grass!"                                 
Cried poor old Tom, looking forlorn.                        
                                                            
57394 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



A diet of bird seed was followed,                           
And soon Tom Swift looked very hollowed;                    
But this explains why                                       
Tom flew in the sky;                                        
It happened each time that he 'swallow'ed.                  
                                                            
57395 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Travis Brasell           



This fellow perhaps has the gift; he                        
Has humor enough to uplift me;                              
And good enough verse                                       
That I'm not adverse,                                       
To hasten to welcome Tom swiftly.                           
                                                            
57396 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



She whipped her blade past young Tom's head,                
Then stabbed his left buttock instead.                      
Said, "Now you know, hoss,                                  
Just who is the boss."                                      
"Well touche!" Tom sordidly said.                           
                                                            
57397 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



"You're older than I would have guessed,                    
Just based on the way you are dressed.                      
Your clothes aren't the fashion,                            
And I have no passion                                       
For wrinkles!" said Tom, unimpressed.                       
                                                            
57398 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Marlene Lewis            



To restaurant manager Jones:                                
"This meal has the taste of dry bones.                      
Don't give the chef compliments                             
For such lack of condiments,"                               
Tom said in unsavory tones.                                 
                                                            
57399 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



Tom looked from his sick-bed obliquely;                     
"It's Monday, and I'm feeling bleakly                       
Unwell; it's a shame,                                       
It's always the same                                        
Each senight," moaned Thomas Swift weakly.                  
(senight - half a fortnight)                                
57400 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



Said Mary, as Tom put his hand on                           
Her knee, "Get off Swift or you'll land on                  
Your back.  You have tarried                                
Too long, I am married."                                    
A finger she showed with abandon.                           
                                                            
57401 PUNS - TOM SWIFT                                        



The carpet Tom bought without care.                         
"There's only enough of it there                            
To cover the landing,                                       
But not where I'm standing."                                
Said Tom, with a very blank stare.                          
                                                            
57402 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



"Oh Mary, that gave me a scare,                             
The tire at the front's losing air.                         
I'll go get the jack,                                       
And the tire in the back...                                 
That's flat too," Tom said, with despair.                   
                                                            
57403 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Tiddy Ogg                



"I'm camping with Debbie in Kent;                           
She thinks I'm a harmless old gent;                         
But wait 'til tonight                                       
When I turn out the light                                   
Under canvas," said Tom with intent.                        
                                                            
57404 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Peter Wilkins            



"I'm bored with this etching and scoring                    
This page, over which I am pouring.                         
I think I'll make tracks                                    
As soon as I packs                                          
My picture," said Thomas, withdrawing.                      
                                                            
57405 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Archie                   



"A flat tire is really not fair,                            
Out here in the midst of nowhere.                           
I'd hitchhike to town                                       
But no one is around.                                       
I'm screwed!" said Tom without despair.                     
                                                            
57406 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Ericka                   



"For reasons I really don't know fully,                     
When I'm betting to win, place or show, fully               
Expecting my wager                                          
To pay moneybags, major,                                    
The horse won't giddap," said Tom woefully.                 
                                                            
57407 PUNS - TOM SWIFT               Hugh Clary               



Said Tom, "When my daddy would go,                          
I'd ravish my Mom, head to toe."                            
Tom's friend asked, in shock,                               
"How'd she suck your cock?"                                 
Tom answered, "Apparently so."                              
                                                            
57408 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Travis Brasell           



Sweet Katie was waiting supinely,                           
Her negligee open divinely,                                 
When I walked through her door.                             
"I hope you have more                                       
Than eight inches," she fancied, benignly.                  
                                                            
57409 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Hugh Clary               



Young Deb sat adrift in a sleigh                            
With Tom on a cold winter's day.                            
"While we are off the road,                                 
Howzabout I get blowed?"                                    
Asked Tom of the gal, by the way.                           
                                                            
57410 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Brian Belge              



"I wish we could do us some ballin',                        
But it doesn't seem likely, Miss Sprollen;                  
Though it earlier stood                                     
Just as tall as it could,                                   
It's subsided," Tom noted, crestfallen.                     
                                                            
57411 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY                                



"Our love-making had me elated,                             
But now that the passion's abated,                          
My poor little dicky                                        
Is all wet and sticky,                                      
And drooping," said Thomas deflated.                        
                                                            
57412 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Tiddy Ogg                



In Dee's massive hooter so fair,                            
Poor Thomas once struggled for air;                         
"Can't breathe...(mutter, croak...)                         
I need...(mumble oomph choke...)                            
Spluttered Tom in the depths of Dee's pair.                 
                                                            
57413 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Peter Wilkins            



Approaching me, Kate on knees bended,                       
Pulled zip, and my member ascended.                         
"Oh fuck me," she trilled,                                  
"I'll be thrilled and quite filled."                        
So I did, and she was so distended.                         
                                                            
57414 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Anon                     



"Old Ogg has a masters degree                               
In sheep...he's a true devotee.                             
I think that the trick                                      
Is that, he's so quick,"                                    
Announced Tom fastidiously.                                 
                                                            
57415 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Observer                 



"In Wales, where the mountains are steepish,                
There's sheep flocks on valley floors, deepish.             
I sure must admit                                           
I like a ewe's clit                                         
In my fingers," said Tom feeling sheepish.                  
                                                            
57416 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Tiddy Ogg                



"No husband to warm up my bed.                              
No boyfriend to give me great head.                         
No brother to call.                                         
Looks like I am all                                         
Alone.", Mary guilelessly said.                             
                                                            
57417 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY                                



She drew her beloved to bed;                                
Her clothing she sexily shed.                               
"So do me!" she cried.                                      
"It's no use -- I have tried.                               
I'm impotent," Tom softly said.                             
                                                            
57418 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Ericka                   



"Though 'missionary' leaves me quite sated,                 
The others are much underrated.                             
So once in awhile,                                          
I'll try "doggie-style",                                    
Tom Swift, then, indifferently stated!                      
                                                            
57419 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Observer                 



"My Daisy and I had been slated,                            
To wed, but my love soon abated,                            
When I caught her in bed,                                   
With both Gus and Ted,"                                     
Young Tom, lackadaisically, stated.                         
                                                            
57420 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY                                



Since the steno was one of the fairest,                     
Her employers had oftentimes harassed.                      
"I hope no one sees                                         
Me with pants 'round my knees,"                             
Considered James Bond's boss, embarrassed.                  
                                                            
57421 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Hugh Clary               



The BSC gave their permission,                              
For Tom to begin his transmission                           
Of real hard-core porn,                                     
From midnight till morn;                                    
Come watch Tom's nocturnal emission.                        
(BSC - broadcast standards commission)                      
57422 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Tiddy Ogg                



"The secret of sheep fornication,                           
Is: constantly keep observation.                            
You must watch your rear                                    
Lest the male should appear,"                               
Said Tom fearing ramification.                              
                                                            
57423 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY                                



Those berries Tom ate were corroded,                        
So there in his pants he unloaded:                          
"Oh damn, I can't stop                                      
This shit!  Bring a mop                                     
And bucket right quick!" Tom exploded!                      
                                                            
57424 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Travis Brasell           



"My secret has long been concealed;                         
I've had 'em in barn, pen, and field.                       
For, I have a fetish                                        
For flesh, young and wettish,                               
And calves fit the bill," Tom revealed.                     
                                                            
57425 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Observer                 



"No women have ever been gypped                             
By me during sex for I've slipped                           
My dick in their asses                                      
With multiple passes                                        
A lot!" Tom rebuttingly quipped.                            
                                                            
57426 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Travis Brasell           



"Be quiet; the vicar's in bed                               
And giving young William some head.                         
Disgraceful I say,                                          
But I guess we should pray                                  
For him," Tom reverentially said.                           
                                                            
57427 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Peter Wilkins            



When questioned, his face turned bright red;                
"Who led that young ewe to your bed?                        
What perverted person                                       
Would your morals worsen?"                                  
"'Twas Tiddy," Tom sheepishly said!                         
                                                            
57428 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Observer                 



Young Debbie dripped honey deliciously                      
All over her nipples capriciously.                          
"I'll give you a boff                                       
If you lick it off,"                                        
She said.  "Yummy!" said Tom syrup-tit-iously.              
                                                            
57429 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Peter Wilkins            



"I'm looking my best," Tom said smartly.                    
"I'll chat up that woman who's partly                       
Dressed in that bar."                                       
"For a good time, you are                                   
In luck.  Come upstairs," she said tartly.                  
                                                            
57430 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Tiddy Ogg                



"A contrivance my Granny used nightly,                      
Was both heavy and quite unsightly.                         
But the news is fantastic,                                  
They now come in plastic;                                   
Less weight," Tom tinkled, politely.                        
                                                            
57431 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Murphy                   



"For hours, you have laid there in bed,                     
The baby, now, needs to be fed...                           
The poor thing's been screamin'                             
While you lay there dreamin'",                              
Young Tom titillatingly said!                               
                                                            
57432 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY                                



The sunshine he set out to seek,                            
So bent himself double to peek.                             
"Good Heavens!  I knew                                      
It just had to be true,"                                    
Remarked Tom, with his tongue in his cheek.                 
                                                            
57433 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Peter Wilkins            



On the boat, Tom searched for the head                      
With a growing feeling of dread.                            
When the captain replied,                                   
"Aim it over the side!"                                     
"Too late!", Tom uncannily said.                            
                                                            
57434 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Ericka                   



Deb climbs onto Tom when they boff.                         
She grips him so tight he can't doff.                       
Once while she clung,                                       
She said Tom was dung.                                      
He told her just where to get off.                          
                                                            
57435 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - BAWDY       Brian Belge              



"Oh dearest" his girlfriend had purred,                     
"Would you shave all the hair off my bird?"                 
When he looked at the patch                                 
That she had on her snatch,                                 
"Well, if you insist," Tom deferred.                        
                                                            
57436 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Hugh Clary               



At first, he just stared somewhat dumbly;                   
Then he started in not at all glumly.                       
She got smooth and more moist;                              
Then his tool he did hoist.                                 
Tom said, "Love, you look more and more comely!"            
                                                            
57437 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Allen Wolverton          



Tom gazed on her form with breath bated.                    
Delights carnal anticipated.                                
His pants off, he ripping,                                  
"Too late, it's a-dripping,"                                
Tom prematurely ejaculated.                                 
                                                            
57438 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy                    



"The Venus de Milo is charming;                             
We must get her moved, free of harming.                     
The crate though, won't hold her;                           
We'll chop at the shoulder."                                
Said Tom, in a manner disarming.                            
                                                            
57439 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy                    



Though the statue, from age had much yellowed,              
Their love of its beauty'd not mellowed.                    
When they lighted some bark                                 
For a view after dark,                                      
"The fire's going out!" Tom had bellowed.                   
                                                            
57440 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Hugh Clary               



The dirt that fell off when we move her,                    
Needs clearing, and men, that's a cue for                   
A suction machine                                           
That will make things pristine.                             
Just study and watch this manoeuvre.  (man Hoover)          
                                                            
57441 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy                    



The prisoner stared at him blankly,                         
While scratching and smelling quite rankly.                 
You won't let me see                                        
Your photo ID?                                              
Is your name Frank Lee, Tom asked frankly.                  
                                                            
57442 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Ericka                   



"Why no  Can't you see I'm be-skirted?"                     
Cried Frances to Tom as she flirted                         
With bum in the air.                                        
"So you are!  And I swear                                   
I shall screw you right now!" Tom asserted.                 
                                                            
57443 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



While Tom was inserting his tool                            
In Frances, bent over the stool,                            
He said with a yell,                                        
"I'm coming like hell!                                      
'Cause I'm hung like a horny old mule."                     
                                                            
57444 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Squat                    



That sentiment, now, I'll endorse,                          
But Tom was a little more coarse:                           
"I'm like that Italian,                                     
With balls like a stallion,"                                
Croaked Tom, growing swiftly more hoarse.                   
                                                            
57445 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



Tom's iron balls are a-knockin',                            
As poor lovely Frances in stockin's                         
Is screaming in pain                                        
From his mighty large vein.                                 
She wasn't expecting his cock in.                           
                                                            
57446 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Squat                    



In reading these posts, I've been gleaning,                 
For the use of one name, there's leaning.                   
In the lims I've perused,                                   
"Thomas" often is used;                                     
Is there any significant meaning?                           
                                                            
57447 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Murphy                   



A pun such as these is a "swifty",                          
Named after a hero whose nifty                              
Utterances were read                                        
By many.  He said:                                          
"I am nean.  (Tom was thrifty.)                             
                                                            
57448 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



As Tom brushed his teeth on the fly,                        
In the crowded loo at the 'Y',                              
Someone bumped his arm.                                     
"S'okay, there's no harm."                                  
Tom said with a gleam in his eye.                           
                                                            
57449 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES                               



Much later that same day, with Seth,                        
(His fishing buddy until death),                            
He swallowed a lure.                                        
"Quick! Get me a cure!"                                     
Gagged out Tom, with baited breath.                         
                                                            
57450 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES                               



Tom caught all the fish for his date;                       
Not worried that he might be late.                          
For at his fishing hole,                                    
'Catch of the day' was sole.                                
What else, when he used master bait?                        
                                                            
57451 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES                               



Said Deb, as she stood on her head,                         
With her thighs horizontally spread,                        
"Can we do it this way                                      
For the rest of the day?"                                   
"Well okay," Tom indifferently said.                        
                                                            
57452 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Peter Wilkins            



Indifferently's just the right word,                        
If you're mounting and screwing your bird,                  
In the way you describe;                                    
Makes your end bits all vibe,                               
But what do you do with the curd?                           
                                                            
57453 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Richard Jean             



"Last night in the garden I tried                           
Plucking petals to find a new bride.                        
But the weeds that I got                                    
All said "Loves me not,"                                    
Poor Tom lackadaisically cried.                             
                                                            
57454 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Ericka                   



Those one petaled flowers, I fear,                          
Told Tom what he wanted to hear.                            
Thus to hear was his wish,                                  
Something "love me not"-ish;                                
That precise phrase tended to appear.                       
                                                            
57455 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Nawahl                   



Your theorems on blooming statistics                        
Depend on your hypotheistics,                               
That the count of the petals                                
Is randomly settled;                                        
But what if the flowers are fixed?                          
                                                            
57456 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Nawahl                   



Admittedly, Tom's superstitious                             
To think daisys can answer his wishes;                      
But you can't reject                                        
H-naught; he's correct.                                     
Your argument's too meretricious.                           
                                                            
57457 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Nawahl                   



To test whether species of flowers                          
Incorporate magical powers,                                 
Compile their predictions                                   
And count contradictions                                    
'Tween loves-me-not and affairs gone sour.                  
                                                            
57458 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



You may be, dear, too optimistic,                           
Considering the problem logistic.                           
This statement compleete                                    
Show the depths of deceit:                                  
There's lies, damned lies, and statistics.                  
                                                            
57459 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



I may be too naive and young,                               
But didn't this Tom have a tongue?                          
And fingers-of-three                                        
Have never failed me,                                       
Despite being rather well hung.                             
                                                            
57460 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Cubmeister               



Well now, that story's so sad!                              
But I don't want you to feel so bad.                        
You should keep your hands                                  
Away from the glands                                        
Of Sis Chris, my pinky-less lad.                            
                                                            
57461 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Ericka                   



"The incontinent cat's been 'round here;                    
I smell the sharp scent of urea.                            
He's scratched and he's dug                                 
And he's pissed on the rug,"                                
Said Tom Swift with onomatopeia.                            
                                                            
57462 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



"This room I will have to vacate,                           
For the smell will take time to abate,                      
With the stench of the urine,                               
From that stinking feline,"                                 
Said Tom Swift with censure innate.                         
                                                            
57463 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Murphy                   



When 'Arrested Again' was reported,                         
He had grimaced, his visage distorted,                      
"Those cops were a joke,                                    
'Cause I've stopped using coke!",                           
The actor Rob Downey had snorted.                           
                                                            
57464 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES                               



At least Bob Downey didn't forge                            
His way to the top and engorge                              
His ego at cost                                             
Of freedoms dear, lost                                      
Like nearly tongue-tied "Snortin' George."  (see Dubya)     
                                                            
57465 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Cyberwizard              



They say he's paid plenty of fines                          
And too often in lockup reclines.                           
But they're forced to admit,                                
Though he staggers a bit,                                   
He's never forgotten his lines.                             
                                                            
57466 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Cyberwizard              



"Too long have I dillied and dallied;                       
It's time that my courage I've rallied;                     
I'm going away                                              
And getting me a                                            
Sex-change operation," Tom sallied.                         
                                                            
57467 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Hugh Clary               



His girlfriend thought that rather follied,                 
'Cause his pecker 'giant' kept her jollied.                 
So she raised, in protest                                   
Her voice 'gainst the cut-fest,                             
"What's with me if you should become dollied?"              
                                                            
57468 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Ulla                     



"If the problem's concerning my dingus,                     
The pleasures of love will still bring us                   
Together," said Tom,                                        
With unshaken aplomb,                                       
"For I've taken the name, Connie Lingus."                   
                                                            
57469 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Hugh Clary               



The Magi together conferred                                 
And decided their loins they would gird.                    
"This sweet cicily's old,                                   
So wouldn't just gold                                       
And frankencense do," they demurred.                        
                                                            
57470 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Hugh Clary               



"But surely we must recompense                              
The child or we may cause offence.                          
You two are so sad,                                         
And now I'm getting mad,                                    
You're skinflints," thus cried Frank incensed.              
                                                            
57471 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Tiddy Ogg                



"You wise guys have come very far,"                         
Said Joseph, "By following a star;                          
We sure like these presents                                 
You've brought to us peasants;                              
We hope you will bring us some myrrh!                       
                                                            
57472 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



Tom gazed at his daughter's appearing                       
On stage to strip, with eyes tearing.                       
He wept as his cock                                         
Got hard as a rock,                                         
And was proud how he'd done her uprearing.                  
                                                            
57473 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



But she flinched when her father appeared,                  
With a glint in his eye that she feared.                    
Nervously she bared all,                                    
With her back to the wall,                                  
'Cause she hated the way she'd been reared.                 
                                                            
57474 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      An Admirer               



She screamed and she yelled in his ears,                    
"You've owed my allowance for years!"                       
Though it was an affront                                    
To pay the young cunt,                                      
He paid her in full in arrears.                             
                                                            
57475 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Brian Belge              



Tom's daughter began her slow grind,                        
Then heard him say, "I'm in a bind,                         
I need money bad!"                                          
Said she, "Too bad, dad!                                    
Like always, you'll come from behind!"                      
                                                            
57476 PUNS - TOM SWIFT - SERIES      Travis Brasell           



A colonial girl, sweet and sainted,                         
Was by war-striped young Indians tainted.                   
Later, asked of the ravages,                                
She said of the savages,                                    
"They aren't as bad as they're painted."                    
                                                            
57477 RAPE                           Isaac Asimov        P9510



An imperialistic Ms, sweet and couth,                       
Was by body-painted aboriginal youth,                       
Gang banged, though when queried,                           
She remarked, "I am worried                                 
Their self-esteem suffered since I was aloof."              
                                                            
57478 RAPE                           Arthur Deex         P9510



An Apache who lived in a hogan                              
Enjoyed making love to his brogan.                          
His friends did deride                                      
But he had his pride;                                       
A curt "Fuck Shoe" became his slogan.                       
                                                            
57479 RAPE                           Puff Adder               



Any Apache who had half a life                              
Was pillaging and wielding his knife.                       
They'd take lots of loot,                                   
But ne'er screw a boot;                                     
They'd bugger the sodbuster's wife.                         
                                                            
57480 RAPE                           Hungarian                



Advice from a spinster named Crowe,                         
Be wary of places you go.                                   
Since man, you will find,                                   
Has rape on his mind,                                       
And it's best to be raped by a pro.                         
                                                            
57481 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1329



Confronted by trousers agape,                               
And having no chance to escape,                             
Still Juanita refused,                                      
But was bitten and bruised                                  
By a guy who draws blood while he rapes.                    
                                                            
57482 RAPE                                                    



There was an old maid of Hoboken,                           
Who sued an attacker outspoken,                             
Who had threatened to rape her,                             
But robbed and escaped her;                                 
Hence his verbal agreement was broken.                      
                                                            
57483 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1351



An old time Egyptian named Tut,                             
Would lure young lads to his hut.                           
Hit 'em on the head                                         
And flip them on the bed,                                   
And give it to them in the butt!                            
                                                            
57484 RAPE                           Jim Weaver Collection    



A loose-limbed young groupie named Pyle                     
Possessed a fair share of pure guile.                       
With legs spread agape                                      
She suffered gang rape,                                     
Suspiciously smiling the while.                             
                                                            
57485 RAPE                           Armand E Singer       416



A burglar from Ashbury Park                                 
Made, at college, his sexual mark.                          
Getting in the third story                                  
Of the girls' dormitory,                                    
He was raped seven times in the dark.                       
                                                            
57486 RAPE                           Isaac Asimov             



There once was a man from the Cape,                         
Who one day committed a rape.                               
She said, "You dumb shit,                                   
You can't fuck a bit;                                       
And you're beating my box out of shape."                    
                                                            
57487 RAPE                           Christopher Powles       



In Roma the lexis for rapis                                 
Is sternum -- instantus castratus.                          
If rapor a dum-dum,                                         
And rapos secundum,                                         
Organum then decapitatus.                                   
                                                            
57488 RAPE                           Irving Superior     P8111



A man from Cape Breton we find                              
Who is honored as one of a kind,                            
Since he saved on the Cape                                  
A young maiden from rape --                                 
He undressed her but then changed his mind.                 
                                                            
57489 RAPE                           Hugh Oliver           24b



Said a ruined old roue of Barnstable,                       
"I believe it entirely demonstrable                         
That no matter how shaped,                                  
Any girl can be raped,                                      
Provided you deal with a constable."                        
                                                            
57490 RAPE                           Conrad Aiken             



Though most men at his age still alive                      
Have lost all of their sexual drive,                        
Thomas Parr in a scrape                                     
Was convicted of rape                                       
When he was at least ninety-five.                           
(Thomas Parr was supposed to have lived over 140 years)     
57491 RAPE                           A N Wilkins         P8507



There was a young fellow named Ben,                         
Who raped an old maid in her den.                           
It was three weeks of hell                                  
'Fore she felt very well.                                   
She said, "When can we do it again?"                        
                                                            
57492 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin Appeal  847



An artless young fellow named Grover                        
Had raped an old spinster of Dover.                         
She admonished this youth                                   
For his manners uncouth                                     
And insisted he do it all over.                             
                                                            
57493 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0182



Pursued by a rapist in Greece,                              
A gal from Hicksville named Elise                           
Said, "I'm in a fine shape                                  
To enjoy a good rape,                                       
I DO hope we'll elude the police!"                          
                                                            
57494 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  402      



Tried to save a lady from rape;                             
Her reaction left me agape --                               
When the lady in question                                   
Gave me this suggestion:                                    
"I'm enjoying my rape, you big ape!"                        
                                                            
57495 RAPE                           Jim Weaver Collection    



John Leslie is handsome and cute,                           
Not being a guilty sex brute.                               
But now he's confused me,                                   
'Cause his hand was not the                                 
Appendage what's been in dispute.                           
                                                            
57496 RAPE                                                    



It seems that some tart called Ulrika                       
Had claimed that he'd forced in his dicka,                  
To help sell her book.                                      
He's cleared, but it took                                   
Some time; she deserves a good kicka.                       
                                                            
57497 RAPE                                                    



Said assault expert Anna K. Brown                           
(Her expression half chuckle, half frown):                  
"The rape rate depends                                      
On how one defends --                                       
You run faster skirts up than pants down."                  
                                                            
57498 RAPE                           Armand E Singer       391



A wild-eyed young whore from the Cape                       
Had a customer up and escape                                
Without shucking out money.                                 
"Man," she cried, "It ain't funny...                        
That's what you call financial rape!"                       
                                                            
57499 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  196      



In courtrooms the ladies all gaped                          
At trials where the rapist escaped,                         
But was caught and then judged,                             
And the spinsters begrudged,                                
The most fortunate girl was one raped.                      
                                                            
57500 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1344



A dignified duchess named Sutter                            
Caused many a duke's prick to flutter.                      
But the man to attract her,                                 
Was a bum who attacked her                                  
And he fucked her four times in the gutter.                 
                                                            
57501 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0767



There was an old maid name of Greeley.                      
Who said women should not be too steely.                    
And when rape is your fate,                                 
Please do not hesitate,                                     
It is better to give yourself freely.                       
                                                            
57502 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin            



There was a poor victim named Tabor,                        
Repeatedly raped by a neighbor,                             
But as hell hath no fury                                    
Like an all-female jury,                                    
He drew thirty years at hard labor.                         
                                                            
57503 RAPE                           Armand E Singer       982



A hardy old spinster named Jane                             
Was raped by a man on a train.                              
She enjoyed it so much                                      
He could scarce break her clutch,                           
But he fought his way free with his cane.                   
                                                            
57504 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin 3024  G1568



The boss screwed the neighborhood whore                     
In back of the store on the floor.                          
She sued him for rape;                                      
He did not escape.                                          
That whore now owns more than the store.                    
                                                            
57505 RAPE                           Travis Brasell           



From duty we cannot escape                                  
And TV our children must shape.                             
But all that the boobs                                      
Get, in front of the tubes,                                 
Are some courses in violence and rape.                      
                                                            
57506 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-2562



A grass widow out on the Cape                               
Who recently enjoyed a good rape,                           
Said, "Rape, if done right                                  
Can be a delight,                                           
And not punch a gal out of shape!"                          
                                                            
57507 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  555      



They have simplified law for the gentry                     
Who want everything elementary.                             
Now rape's an offense                                       
That makes much better sense:                               
It's a subclass of illegal entry.                           
                                                            
57508 RAPE                           Norm Storer         P9706



A sordid young fellow named Peak                            
Once ravaged a spinster antique.                            
Before he could flee,                                       
He was forced to agree                                      
That he'd ravage her once every week.                       
                                                            
57509 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1375



There was a young man of Biggar                             
Who raped an old maid with much vigor.                      
She embraced him so tight,                                  
The poor man died of fright;                                
It did not end the way he did figure.                       
                                                            
57510 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin            



A comely young coed named Crassar                           
Was raped twice a day while at Vassar.                      
She hoped to get peace,                                     
But attacks did increase,                                   
When she levied a fine for trespasser.                      
                                                            
57511 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0098



After being subjected to rape,                              
An astonished old maid from the Cape,                       
Said, "Your memeber looked frightful                        
But in use feels delightful...                              
Man, I'm glad that I didn't escape!"                        
                                                            
57512 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  971      



Said a certain young woman named Valerie                    
When raped in the National Gallery,                         
"Oh, well, it's my fate,                                    
But at least I lost weight,                                 
Now for lunch I can add one more Calorie."                  
                                                            
57513 RAPE                           Isaac Asimov        P9803



A pubescent girl scout of Dewar                             
Was raped by two cops and a brewer,                         
A postman, three sailors,                                   
A shop-hill of tailors,                                     
And next week I will . . . interview her.                   
                                                            
57514 RAPE                           Linda Marsh Coll         



An elderly matron named Bess                                
Was raped by a thief with finesse.                          
She cursed the detective                                    
With her vilest invective,                                  
For the failure to find his address.                        
                                                            
57515 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0045



There was a young lady named Sentry                         
Who claimed to be raped by some gentry.                     
But the judge said, "Dismissed!"                            
When he looked where she pissed,                            
And saw no signs of forcible entry.                         
                                                            
57516 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin 3024  G0753



In the library, stuffy Miss Boyes                           
Was raped, but she maintained her poise.                    
Though her arms waved about                                 
There was nary a shout --                                   
She respected the rule against noise.                       
                                                            
57517 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0056



When he raped an old maid on the train,                     
Authorities arrested Blaine.                                
But the ex-virgin cried,                                    
"That's for me to decide,                                   
And I'd be the last to complain."                           
                                                            
57518 RAPE                                               G1619



A simple old spinster named Fitches                         
Was raped by two mean sons-of-bitches,                      
While she knitted a sweater,                                
But her pussy felt better,                                  
And she never dropped more than two stitches.               
                                                            
57519 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1337



My uncle bought me a Mustang,                               
To troll, with my pals, for poontang.                       
We got us some pie,                                         
But "Gang Rape!" they cry.                                  
So now I'm thirteenth on the chain gang.                    
                                                            
57520 RAPE                           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Gus                          
Who raped an old maid on a bus.                             
It was rather enlightening                                  
And really not frightening,                                 
So she cared not to raise any fuss.                         
                                                            
57521 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin            



There was a young wee Irish lass,                           
Fell asleep in the meadow after mass.                       
She woke up and discovered                                  
She was naked but covered,                                  
By a very large man in the grass.                           
                                                            
57522 RAPE                           FCA                      



There was a young fellow named Mott                         
Who raped an old maid on her cot.                           
He was soon out of action;                                  
He lost by a fraction,                                      
For she gave it as good as she got.                         
                                                            
57523 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1371



A harlot who came from Orleans                              
Was raped by a lad in his teens.                            
With her expert response,                                   
'Twas a 'piece of resistance'.                              
Just his remnants were found on the greens.                 
                                                            
57524 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin            



To choose is a basic-held freedom                           
For girls to decide just who'll breed 'em.                  
But during a rape                                           
Some girls will just gape,                                  
Lie passive, play deaf, and be dumb.                        
                                                            
57525 RAPE                           Tucker D. Ott       P8910



"Sam, are you sure I should plead                           
'Not guilty?'  I thought we agreed                          
Since they caught me on tape                                
But aren't yet yelling 'rape',                              
A plea bargain was more what I need?"                       
                                                            
57526 RAPE                                                    



Pursued by a wolf in a park,                                
A sexy young dolly named Starke                             
Said, "I'm in a fine shape                                  
To enjoy a good rape,                                       
But please, can you wait till it's dark?"                   
                                                            
57527 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  152      



There was a tan miss from Zambezi,                          
Whose twat was capacious and cheesy.                        
She was always in scrapes                                   
From perpetual rapes:                                       
Like all girls, she raped pretty easy.                      
                                                            
57528 RAPE                                               G1730



I'd never hope for something horrid                         
From some sweaty pig with face florid.                      
Rape's not about fun,                                       
No way that it's done.                                      
I'd rather a love affair torrid.                            
                                                            
57529 RAPE                                                    



To the lawyer, lady named Newsome                           
Gave the facts on her rape by a twosome.                    
Said the lawyer, "'Nough said,                              
Let us both go to bed,                                      
And review all the details so gruesome."                    
                                                            
57530 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-2208



The girl that was caught by Akeem                           
Was threatened with rape, but her theme                     
Gave him cause for dispair                                  
For she said, "I declare,                                   
If you badly perform, I will scream!"                       
                                                            
57531 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1924



There was an Old Man of Bohemia,                            
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia;                     
But one day to his grief,                                   
She was raped by a thief --                                 
A side to his life quite seamier.                           
                                                            
57532 RAPE                           Edwardian Leer 025       



A simple old lady named Jane                                
Was ravished and beat with a cane.                          
She recovered at length                                     
And regained all her strength,                              
And she searched for the same man in vain.                  
                                                            
57533 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-2131



An incautious miss from Wyoming                             
Who strolled Stuvyesant Square in the gloaming,             
Was waylaid on the way                                      
For a helluva lay!                                          
Now of evenings she's constantly roaming.                   
                                                            
57534 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  223      



There was an old maid named O'Keefe                         
Who feared that some handsome young thief                   
Would steal into her shack                                  
For a vicious attack --                                     
When it came she felt blessed relief.                       
                                                            
57535 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1372



On trial was a young man named Joe                          
For raping and beating Miss Flo.                            
But the charge was dismissed                                
For the proof did exist;                                    
She was beat when she failed to let go.                     
                                                            
57536 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0222



There was a young man of Ostend                             
Who raped an old maid from South Bend.                      
He was just halfway through                                 
When he bid her adieu,                                      
But she made him stay right to the end!                     
                                                            
57537 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1373



A horrified girlie named Greep                              
Found she had been raped while asleep.                      
Cried she, "The rape's frightful,                           
Copulations's delightful!                                   
And to miss it, asleep, makes me weep!"                     
                                                            
57538 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  927      



There was an old lady named Tudor,                          
Who saw in her house an intruder.                           
With an armful of loot,                                     
He attempted to scoot,                                      
But she raped him for she was much shrewder.                
                                                            
57539 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1398



Now we all know the town Aberystwyth                        
And that infamous mill to make grist with;                  
But when the miller's son Jack                              
Threw her flat on her back,                                 
She sure should'a used force to resist with.                
                                                            
57540 RAPE                           Armand Singer       P0209



Some fellows caught Jane in the wood;                       
They stripped her and raped her, but good.                  
And so, to conclude,                                        
She made it home nude                                       
But plans to return when she could.                         
                                                            
57541 RAPE                           Limericks Naughty & Gay  



An unprincipled fellow was Jack;                            
On a spinster unleashed an attack.                          
But the spinster was calm                                   
And she said with aplomb,                                   
"I'll be ready whenever you're back!"                       
                                                            
57542 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1352



Woe is poor Sister Patricia,                                
Alone with the Shiite Militia.                              
Through gaps in her burqa,                                  
They constantly furqa                                       
Most intimate feminine fissure.                             
                                                            
57543 RAPE                           Peter Wilkins            



While most any female may be rapeable,                      
The fact still remains, inescapable,                        
If you rule out the bags,                                   
And the broken down hags,                                   
It leaves such a small percent capable.                     
                                                            
57544 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  893      



There was a young man in a Jeep                             
Who raped an old maid name of Heep.                         
He was raped the next day                                   
By Miss Heep, who did say,                                  
"What ye sow, my young lad, shall ye reap."                 
                                                            
57545 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1355



A lady, by passion deluded,                                 
Found an African drunk and denuded.                         
And, fit as a fiddle,                                       
And hot for a diddle,                                       
Tied splints to his penis and screwed it.                   
                                                            
57546 RAPE                                               L0288



A randy young fellow named Mark,                            
Nabbed for statutory rape in the park,                      
Was heard to exclaim                                        
When his day in court came,                                 
"A statue?  Oh well, it was dark!"                          
                                                            
57547 RAPE                           Karen B                  



While out for a walk, old Miss Clark                        
Was savagely raped in the dark.                             
But her neighbors discerned                                 
That no lesson was learned,                                 
For she takes the same path through the park.               
                                                            
57548 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1320



As a lark, Mrs. Hazelton Kerr,                              
Teased the man who delivered her fur.                       
Then she called him a joke,                                 
But as soon as she spoke,                                   
It so happened the joke was on her.                         
                                                            
57549 RAPE                           Margaret A. Murdock P8308



A pubescent Girl scout of Dewar                             
Was raped by two cops and a brewer,                         
A postman, three sailors,                                   
And a shopful of tailors,                                   
And next week I'm going to...interview 'er.                 
                                                            
57550 RAPE                           Linda Marsh Coll    G0536



A slovenly fellow named Phil                                
Assaulted a lady named Jill.                                
She did not mind the rape                                   
Which she took in great shape;                              
She objected when asked to lie still.                       
                                                            
57551 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0293



A pretty young girl from Bedford,                           
Saw her love place a notch on the head-board.               
"You think that is drole,                                   
You fucking asshole!"                                       
Now he defends against rape down in Medford.                
                                                            
57552 RAPE                           Ryan Deschamps           



A sweet young attorney named Draper                         
Once wore a tight skirt made of paper.                      
While attemting to squat,                                   
It split up to her twat,                                    
Prompting two horny judges to rape her.                     
                                                            
57553 RAPE                           Anon                     



Jane got drunk, then passed out, and then,                  
She was raped by two thousand men.                          
And when she awoke,                                         
To the two thousandth bloke,                                
She said, "Not bad.  Let's do it again!"                    
                                                            
57554 RAPE                           Ogden Nield              



While making deposits, Miss Mape,                           
Did tender a bill of bad shape.                             
Said the teller, "Hold still!                               
It's a counterfeit bill!"                                   
"Holy smoke," said Miss Mape, "this is rape!"               
                                                            
57555 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-2685



I'd rather a woman in red,                                  
All spruced-up and chained to my bed;                       
Me using ice cubes                                          
To stiffen her pubes,                                       
While t'other end's giving me head.                         
                                                            
57556 RAPE                                                    



There was a young lady named Sloan,                         
Who went to the coppers to moan:                            
"A victim of rape!"                                         
She cried, then agape                                       
As into the clink she was thrown.                           
(See Nadine Milroy-Sloan)                                   
57557 RAPE                           Alexander Baron          



The Vikings invading the village                            
Were far less intent upon pillage                           
That stuffing their pieces                                  
In virginal creases,                                        
And drenching young wenches in spillage.                    
                                                            
57558 RAPE                           Peter Wilkins            



A long distance runner named Flanagan                       
Had raped an old maid and he ran again,                     
But the old maid, she chased him                            
And with ease outpaced him,                                 
For she said that she wanted that man again.                
                                                            
57559 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0141



In the war games a private named Mel                        
Was captured by WAC Sergeant Bell.                          
After humping eight WAC's he                                
Staggered into a taxi,                                      
And was heard to remark, "War is hell."                     
                                                            
57560 RAPE                           Michael Weinstein   P8807



Said a luscious young lady called Wade,                     
On a beach with her charms all displayed,                   
"It's so hot in the sun                                     
Perhaps rape would be fun;                                  
At least that would give me some shade.                     
                                                            
57561 RAPE                           Anon                     



A rash little strumpet of Seoul                             
Went out in the hills for a stroll.                         
She was waylaid and laid,                                   
And not even paid,                                          
On the crest of the very first knoll.                       
                                                            
57562 RAPE                           John P McKnight     P0303



She screamed as he opened the door,                         
And fell straight back on the floor.                        
Though ugly and old,                                        
She was out cold,                                           
So he fucked her like a $2 whore.                           
                                                            
57563 RAPE                                                    



A stinky old smoker was Lipe                                
Who smoked on a pipe that was ripe.                         
A girl sniffed it one day                                   
And she fainted away,                                       
So he fucked her while smoking his pipe.                    
                                                            
57564 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-0245



A gal being raped on a bus                                  
Yelled and hollered and made a big fuss.                    
All the others gals said                                    
"It is nicer in bed,                                        
But why didn't he choose one of US?"                        
                                                            
57565 RAPE                           Grand Prix Lim  148      



You've heard of the gals from Spokane                       
Who do all the guys that they can.                          
But 'tis sad, as they say,                                  
That without some foreplay,                                 
A woman just can't rape a man.                              
                                                            
57566 RAPE                           The Sailor          P0310



A young man raped a lady named Cole                         
And it tickled her heart and her soul.                      
So she ran home and said                                    
To her dear husband Fred,                                   
"All these years we have used the wrong hole!"              
                                                            
57567 RAPE                           Albin Chaplin   3024-1322



There once was an atheist named Fred                        
Who said as he climbed into bed,                            
"There's no heaven, I'm sure,                               
But I'd hate to endure                                      
The other should I wake up dead."                           
                                                            
57568 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Ray Gessler              



Back then, infantry combat exerted                          
A strange power, reporters asserted,                        
For atheist souls                                           
Who fought in foxholes,                                     
Were without exception converted.                           
                                                            
57569 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            A. N. Wilkins       P8701



There was a young man who said, "Ayer                       
Has answered the atheist's prayer,                          
For a Hell one can't verify                                 
Surely can't terrify,                                       
At least till you know you are there."                      
                                                            
57570 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Anon                     



Some say there's a damned place that's hot,                 
And another place that has got                              
Some cherubs and light.                                     
I hope that they're right,                                  
But I'm SURE my body will rot.                              
                                                            
57571 RELIGION - ATHEISTS                                     



It couldn't be God's intentions,                            
To support the folly as mentioned.                          
Religion, at worst,                                         
With which we are cursed,                                   
Is surely Man's cruelest invention.                         
                                                            
57572 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Chris Papa               



God would send people to hell.                              
This untruth rings out like a bell.                         
For God is so kindly,                                       
Folks follow him blindly.                                   
Might as well shove your head in a well.                    
                                                            
57573 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Mike Bigg                



"Do you really believe all that junk                        
About the Creator -- that bunk                              
Of his taking awhile                                        
To make this shit pile"                                     
"And on the sixth day he was drunk!"                        
                                                            
57574 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Laurence Perrine    P8403



There was a young savior named Christ,                      
And believing him came at great price.                      
Exchanging your mind                                        
For things you won't find;                                  
Pissed away on a roll of the dice.                          
(evilbob@cpeq.com - requested address be appended)          
57575 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Robert Moore             



"I have faith," says the Christian, "And you                
Can know God if you will have faith, too."                  
But to me, it just seems                                    
'To have faith' only means:                                 
"To pretend really hard, something's true."                 
                                                            
57576 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Worldling                



An agnostic guy named McKnapps,                             
Who'd gone through a religious lapse,                       
Quite suddenly died,                                        
And logic implied                                           
He'd gone on to the "Great Perhaps."                        
                                                            
57577 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Observer                 



McKnapps, knowing how he had fudged,                        
And knowing he'd surely be grudged,                         
St. Peter remarked                                          
"Why here so embarked?"                                     
Said McKNapps, "I bribed jury and judge!"                   
                                                            
57578 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            G Watson                 



A lady of leisure named Rank,                               
Whose sense of morality stank,                              
Mocked the teaching of Jesus,                               
Became richer than Croesus,                                 
And laughed all the way to the bank.                        
                                                            
57579 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Armand Singer       P0402



Creationists want equal time,                               
So our children with myths can begrime;                     
While they bury the truth                                   
Which they find so uncouth,                                 
That we came from primordial slime.                         
                                                            
57580 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Robert Moore             



"Few in colleges and their vicinity                         
Believe either in God or the Trinity,"                      
Observed Dean Macree.                                       
"The professors, you see,                                   
Are reluctant to share their divinity."                     
                                                            
57581 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            A N Wilkins         P0211



They say up in heaven is God,                               
And this really strikes me as odd.                          
Because there's no evidence                                 
Of His divine providence,                                   
Just humans with reasoning flawed.                          
                                                            
57582 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Robert Moore             



Churchmen have ruled us by guilt.                           
It's the bedrock upon which is built                        
An elaborate scaffold                                       
(Which just leaves me baffled)                              
Of lies which they push to the hilt.                        
                                                            
57583 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Robert Moore             



A teen from Caracas named Cruz,                             
Didn't know which religion to choose.                       
He decided on none,                                         
And to simply have fun,                                     
Seeking pleasure through women and booze.                   
                                                            
57584 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Cap'n Bean          P0110



The clerk in the courtroom so wise                          
Requests every witness to rise,                             
Then to solemnly swear                                      
That the truth he'll declare,                               
With his hand on a book full of lies.                       
                                                            
57585 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Albin Chaplin       P9105



Believers think there was a flood                           
(Brought about by God's thirst for blood),                  
And all of them creatures                                   
Plus most of earth's features                               
Attest to the truth of this crud.                           
                                                            
57586 RELIGION - ATHEISTS            Robert Moore             



Abraham for his wife did pimp,                              
Because he was such a great wimp.                           
Despite God's protection,                                   
The Pharaoh's erection                                      
Was serviced by Sarah till limp.                            
                                                            
57587 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



A blasphemous bastard named Skougaard                       
Had a horrid contempt for the true God.                     
One Sunday, in chapel                                       
With his balls he did grapple,                              
And buttered his penis with rhubarb.                        
                                                            
57588 RELIGION - BLASPH                                  G1159



Wise men from the East all receive a                        
Stange call, and set off in a fever,                        
To Bethlehem's stable,                                      
And what are they able                                      
To see...just a golden retriever.                           
                                                            
57589 RELIGION - BLASPH              Tiddy Ogg                



Quite frankly, the magi did err                             
With bountiful dyslexic flair.                              
It is rather odd                                            
That "dog" became "God"                                     
And "bitch" "Mother Mary" so fair.                          
                                                            
57590 RELIGION - BLASPH              Randog                   



Dear God, you're insipid and stale,                         
If you're liking that dodo's travail.                       
It's gobbledygook,                                          
So it's time that you took                                  
Some hemlock - or try this cock, tail.                      
                                                            
57591 RELIGION - BLASPH                                       



The fabric of heaven's been torn,                           
God's left.  Is he dead?  Shall we mourn?                   
Don't get in a tizzy,                                       
He's just very busy,                                        
With Gabriel blowing his horn.                              
                                                            
57592 RELIGION - BLASPH                                       



Salome's wish was to bed                                    
John the Baptist who spurned her instead.                   
So she bumped and she ground,                               
Till he finally came 'round                                 
And was 'persuaded' to give her some head.                  
                                                            
57593 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



There was a young fellow called Cary,                       
Who got fucking the Virgin Mary.                            
And Christ was so bored,                                    
At seeing Ma whored,                                        
That he set himself up as a fairy.                          
                                                            
57594 RELIGION - BLASPH              Norman Douglas      L0999



Saint Peter was once heard to boast                         
That he'd had all the heavenly host:                        
The Father, The Son,                                        
And then--just for fun--                                    
The hole in the Holy Ghost.                                 
                                                            
57595 RELIGION - BLASPH                                  G1091



There was a young man from Killkankie,                      
Who caught all his sperm in a hankie,                       
Which he spread on the seat,                                
Female buttocks to meet,                                    
And that's how Jesus was born.                              
(I guess you'd call that hanky-panky?)                      
57596 RELIGION - BLASPH                                  G2388



Jesus Christ Almighty                                       
Crept inside my nightie,                                    
Bit my tit                                                  
And made me shit,                                           
Jesus Christ Almighty                                       
                                                            
57597 RELIGION - BLASPH              VOL 5                    



'The Last Temptation Of Christ'                             
Has scenes where Jesus viced.                               
To keep pure this man,                                      
The movie lets ban                                          
Or have some scenes circumcised.                            
                                                            
57598 RELIGION - BLASPH              Irving Superior     P8810



Cain, Balthasar, and Meryl                                  
Thought they'd give this long journey a whirl.              
Cain was pooped and not able                                
To reach Bethlehem's stable,                                
So they faxed him, "My God, it's a girl!"                   
                                                            
57599 RELIGION - BLASPH              Nancy Henry Kline   P9607



In the Bible we have an account                             
Of problems we have to surmount.                            
All our fucking behavior                                    
Comes from Jesus the Savior,                                
In his sermon he gave on the mount.                         
                                                            
57600 RELIGION - BLASPH              Albin Chaplin       P9009



Christ was the king of the Jews,                            
And believers call this the good news.                      
But good news, it ain't,                                    
Christians know no restraint,                               
They also don't know it's refuse.                           
                                                            
57601 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



There died an old man of Moldavia,                          
Well known for his bawdy behaviour.                         
When the priest thought him shriven,                        
And fitted for heaven,                                      
He cried, "Go and bugger the Saviour!"                      
                                                            
57602 RELIGION - BLASPH                                  L1486



Lot with one daughter did screw,                            
And the next night, the other one too.                      
Though it's claimed he was drunk,                           
To that, I say BUNK;                                        
He was not addle-minded, he KNEW!                           
                                                            
57603 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



Tell me: Is it only me?                                     
Or is it clear for others to see;                           
To expect a machine                                         
To compose is obscene,                                      
And borders on high blasphemy.                              
                                                            
57604 RELIGION - BLASPH              Buttmonkey         TP9901



I've heard that Christ's mom was a virgin,                  
And she was knocked up at God's urgin'.                     
But after they fucked                                       
And her hymen was plucked,                                  
It was neatly replaced by a surgeon.                        
                                                            
57605 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



The best saleswhiz in history, it's plain,                  
Was one Mary: with lots to explain.                         
Got the whole world believing                               
Her way of conceiving                                       
Was "immaculate," free from all stain.                      
                                                            
57606 RELIGION - BLASPH              John Miller              



Christians know only one rule,                              
Regarding one touching one's tool:                          
They know God gets madder                                   
If when voiding your bladder,                               
Your heart rate goes up and you drool.                      
                                                            
57607 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



There was a young bugger called God                         
Who put a young virgin in pod.                              
This amazing behavior                                       
Produced Christ our Savior                                  
Who died on a cross, the poor sod.                          
                                                            
57608 RELIGION - BLASPH              Dylan Thomas        P8810



For Christians I have naught but pity                       
Because they lead lives that are shitty.                    
A criminal God                                              
Threatens Hell and the rod,                                 
Which are then meted out by committee.                      
                                                            
57609 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



Jesus wants all of your mind                                
To destroy and remake to his kind.                          
But I'm warning you,                                        
If that's what you do,                                      
All you'll have in your skull is a rind.                    
                                                            
57610 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



Bob Tilton sent me some mail                                
Which promised that God would not fail                      
To make my day sunny                                        
When I send him money;                                      
Shouldn't scumbags like this go to jail?                    
                                                            
57611 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



When all the disciples had gone,                            
The Savior was quite put upon.                              
He heard the vagina                                         
Of M. Magdelina                                             
Had held Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.                     
                                                            
57612 RELIGION - BLASPH              Dick Potts          P8511



The Pope has ideas about sperm,                             
And he wants for us all to affirm                           
That cum shots are Holy,                                    
But I reply drolly,                                         
That sperm is a germ from the worm.                         
                                                            
57613 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



That Holy Ghost has some trick,                             
Whereby he makes babies sans dick.                          
No need for the  poking,                                    
And gruntin' and stroking;                                  
Besides he's been told "It's too thick!"                    
                                                            
57614 RELIGION - BLASPH              Robert Moore             



A wicked stone cutter named Cary,                           
Drilled holes in divine statuary.                           
With eyes full of malice,                                   
He pulled out his phallus                                   
And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.                           
                                                            
57615 RELIGION - BLASPH                                       



That Jewess, the famed Virgin Mary,                         
Said, "Oh God, my quim's got all hairy!                     
To hell with virginity!                                     
I'll fuck the whole Trinity!                                
I'm tired of vice solitary."                                
                                                            
57616 RELIGION - BLASPH                                  L0877



Herr Siegfried, the handsome young Hessian,                 
Represents a new height of repression.                      
He gets off his rocks                                       
Just by screaming, "A pox                                   
On the whole Apostolic Succession!"                         
                                                            
57617 RELIGION - CATHOLIC                                G2365



Pro-lifers are really Utopians                              
And they follow whatever the Pope begins.                   
So I hope it's not libel                                    
But I've heard that the Bible                               
Is pro-choice in the Book of Fallopians.                    
                                                            
57618 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Don Moore           P0110



There was a young girl called Maria,                        
In her village, she was called "pariah."                    
Many came to befriend her;                                  
Said they would defend her.                                 
At the stake she'd been sentenced to fire!!                 
                                                            
57619 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Arthur Pattaffy          



A young Jewish student from Spain,                          
Who lived during Ferdinand's reign,                         
Was burned at the stake,                                    
Then dunked in a lake,                                      
By a clerical error; that's plain.                          
                                                            
57620 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Phil T                   



A good catholic woman from Ghent                            
Knew doctrine and just what it meant,                       
But dear Hubby's weenie,                                    
Nicknamed "The Zucchini,"                                   
Was not what she gave up for Lent.                          
                                                            
57621 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Armand E Singer       961



Catholic girls will put out                                 
For just about any old lout.                                
They'll do anything                                         
While they pray for a ring;                                 
You could say they were fucking devout.                     
                                                            
57622 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Jim Weaver Collection    



Gentle witch finder, Bishop de Tour,                        
Merely wished to make the relapsed pure.                    
To that end he'd be seen                                    
Torching them on the green.                                 
Ninety-nine was his best daily score.                       
                                                            
57623 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



Told a cleric his catholic delegate,                        
"I've discovered an error that's delicate:                  
In the rites of a priest,                                   
The pages were creased,                                     
And the word that was written is 'celebrate'."              
                                                            
57624 RELIGION - CATHOLIC                                     



The priest makes an offer vicarial:                         
Good life in the afterworld aerial.                         
And his motto: Don't Sin.                                   
He gets fat -- you get thin.                                
You will get for your pains, decent burial.                 
                                                            
57625 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Albin Chaplin   3024-1110



Have you heard of the murderess, Finn,                      
Who killed her spouse? "Why?" asked his kin.                
"I'd have suffered remorse                                  
Had there been a divorce,                                   
For divorce is unpardonable sin."                           
                                                            
57626 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



Confession is for the pure-souled:                          
The repentant are highly extolled.                          
But if I would confess,--                                   
Oh, God,--what a mess!                                      
It's better by far to withhold.                             
                                                            
57627 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Vassar W. Smith     P9304



There once was a lady from Kent,                            
Who would not come out, save for Lent.                      
The rest of the time,                                       
She always felt fine;                                       
She was lending herself to a gent.                          
                                                            
57628 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            John T and Donna Burt    



Fish-eating was not that attractive;                        
The Pope made the ruling inactive.                          
The souls in purgatory                                      
Were not in their glory;                                    
The ruling was made retroactive.                            
                                                            
57629 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Albin Chaplin            



While watching a cannonball's motion,                       
Galileo conceived of the notion                             
That natural laws,                                          
Not mystical Cause,                                         
Ruled the physical world's locomotion.                      
                                                            
57630 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Martin J. Murphy   PR9703



In spite of the Vatican's dissuasion,                       
Galileo still rose to the occasion.                         
Though once deemed heretical,                               
He proved more prophetical                                  
That those of a clerical persuasion.                        
                                                            
57631 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Martin J. Murphy   PR9703



On his honeymoon a good catholic chap                       
Said, "It's lent, dear, I thought you knew that."           
He was surprised when his bride                             
Sat upright and cried,                                      
"Well, when are you getting it back?"                       
                                                            
57632 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            John Erbs                



Although all my sins are subliminal,                        
I've done every sin in the hymnal.                          
If you put your mind to it,                                 
You might as well do it;                                    
For to think it is equally criminal.                        
                                                            
57633 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Steve Holst              



Notorious predation serial                                  
Will wreck your career presbyterial;                        
But if not notorious,                                       
The Church ain't censorious;                                
Keep it hidden and it's immaterial.                         
                                                            
57634 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Dr Limerick              



And then there's the myth of the pope                       
That will hang itself given the rope.                       
Said old St. Malachi,                                       
"Only two more will fly."                                   
When they ask, "Any more?" he says, "Nope"                  
                                                            
57635 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Neal Wilgus         P8311



You'll notice these verses all led                          
To the same end.  Keep this in your head:                   
I know it sounds corny,                                     
But if you're that horny,                                   
Try giving up donuts instead.                               
                                                            
57636 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Rod Harden               



Young Barry chose Ash Wednesday morn                        
As the day he'd quit surfing the porn.                      
But how could he stop                                       
When those ad windows pop,                                  
And he's led like a sheep to be shorn?                      
                                                            
57637 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Rod Harden               



Gwen thought she'd give up sex for lent;                    
Her patience, though, quickly was spent.                    
There's no doubt about it;                                  
She can't go without it.                                    
And Hubby is one grateful gent!                             
                                                            
57638 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Dr Limerick              



Though once they were thought raunchy papists,              
Forgiven by pious escapists,                                
Today we're disgusted                                       
By the clergy we trusted,                                   
Aware they were crass paunchy rapists.                      
                                                            
57639 RELIGION - CATHOLIC                                     



There is this wee young Irish lass,                         
Who comes from Republican class;                            
In the streets of free Derry,                               
We drink and are merry;                                     
The Protestants all, KISS MY ASS!                           
                                                            
57640 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            CyberCelt           T9710



There was an old hooker from Leeds,                         
Who did the most deadliest deeds.                           
She stole Tiddy's balls,                                    
His liver, and galls,                                       
And wears them as Rosary Beads.                             
                                                            
57641 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Ericka                   



Can you think of a deal any sweeter                         
Or a contract wrapped up any neater?                        
The Lord stocked with a flock                               
"Mother Church" built on rock,                              
By that Saint Simon some called Salt Peter.                 
                                                            
57642 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Loren Fitzhugh      P0001



Mother Church's official position                           
On Gay Marriage: A sinful condition.                        
Its own Clergy's same sex                                   
Couplings seem less to vex,                                 
Since that's not marriage, merely coition.                  
                                                            
57643 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



My religious and sexual thirst                              
Are alike in the way they are cursed.                       
The grand second coming                                     
Can't set my heart thrumming,                               
While chances are slim for the first.                       
                                                            
57644 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            John Miller              



You must pray in good faith to the saints!                  
Let them know your erectile complaints.                     
They'll send you some hot cunt,                             
(Unless you're Protestant)                                  
Who are free of all STD taints.                             
                                                            
57645 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Ward Hardman             



An American girl named Christine,                           
Was quite pure and of virtue pristine.                      
She went out from her home                                  
And flew over to Rome,                                      
Then got laid in the Chapel Sistine.                        
                                                            
57646 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Thomas G. Keller    P9407



A lady was seized with intent                               
To revise her existence misspent,                           
So she climbed up the dome                                  
Of St Peter's in Rome,                                      
Where she stayed through the following Lent.                
                                                            
57647 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Edward Gorey             



An old millionaire name of Trevor                           
Was known for his Christian endeavor,                       
And with God had a pact                                     
All the cash to extract,                                    
With the thumbscrew, the rack and the lever.                
                                                            
57648 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Albin Chaplin            



A sadistic young man from Tashkent                          
Gave up marital sex play for Lent.                          
His poor wife, how he teased her,                           
"By the time we reach Easter,                               
Such large sums on the whores I'll have spent!"             
                                                            
57649 RELIGION - CATHOLIC            Ward Hardman             



A Catholic female named Trent,                              
Refrained from the sex act for Lent.                        
Although she kept feigning                                  
She like the abstaining,                                    
She was eager to come when Lent went.                       
                                                            
57650 RELIGION - CATHOLIC                                     



In each Bolshevik diocese                                   
The soldiers each diocese seize.                            
With soldiers around,                                       
All God-fearers found                                       
Their prayers in a seized dio---cease.                      
                                                            
57651 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Irving Superior     P9101



"Yahweh told me that he was with you,                       
And sent me to tell you it's true.                          
That you'll have a child."                                  
Here Gabriel smiled,                                        
"He was pretty sure, that you knew."                        
                                                            
57652 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           A. N. Wilkins       P9212



A sign from the Lord himself will                           
Tell you a young girl -- a thrill --                        
Will bring forth a son,                                     
And He's truly the One!                                     
His name will be Immanuel!                                  
                                                            
57653 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Christopher Goodwins     



When Paul the Apostle lay prostrate,                        
And leisurely prodded his prostate,                         
With pride parabolic                                        
His most apostolic                                          
Appendage became an apostate.                               
                                                            
57654 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               L1323



There was a young angel named Rayloe,                       
Who hard by his arse wore his halo.                         
When asked its intent,                                      
He replied, as he bent,                                     
"It sanctifies those who would play low."                   
                                                            
57655 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               L1523



There was a young maid of Cardiff,                          
Whose father one day asked if                               
To church she would walk,                                   
To hear some good talk,                                     
When the young maid replied, "Ax my spiff."                 
(Published 1870) (What the hell does it mean? - McW)        
57656 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               L1384



There was a young lady named Eve;                           
Her faith she did strongly believe.                         
She was had by all, hence,                                  
And without recompense.                                     
'Twas more blessed to give than receive.                    
                                                            
57657 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin            



At the last supper, they gathered 'round Jesus,             
Judas says, as bold as he pleases,                          
"Christ! The bread and the wine,                            
They may be divine,                                         
But they'd be better with fresh fruit and cheeses."         
                                                            
57658 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           John Chastaine           



A lady of faith was Miss Eve;                               
She gave her ass free, I believe,                           
And the reason, she said,                                   
As she climbed into bed,                                    
"It's more blessed to give than receive."                   
                                                            
57659 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin   3024-0130



Now weekly I go bible reading,                              
And shortly her breasts I'm a-kneading.                     
I lift up my heart                                          
And her skirt, and that part                                
Revealed there, I find myself seeding.                      
                                                            
57660 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



A book without sex to enthrall,                             
You'd think its appeal would be small.                      
The hero (how odd)                                          
Thinks himself to be God --                                 
And proves to be right after all.                           
                                                            
57661 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Laurence Perrine    P8409



Pray tell me what kind of churchmen                         
Will not speak out loud and condemn.                        
Do they not follow Jesus                                    
Or merely deceive us                                        
To bomb kids tomorrow?  Amen.                               
                                                            
57662 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Tony Burrell             



Our Leader, you know, is Born Again --                      
A baptist since I don't know when --                        
And in recent days                                          
Our peace-loving ways                                       
Prove we're even more Christian since then.                 
                                                            
57663 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           John Miller              



No Jesus-freak people inane                                 
Will ever put me to shame.                                  
The Christians I see                                        
Are perverted as me,                                        
So I feel I'm ahead of the game.                            
                                                            
57664 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Jim Weaver Collection    



Last night I saw many cute cherabim,                        
Or, maybe, they all were just seraphim;                     
I know they had wings,                                      
But NO sexy things;                                         
Perhaps I should call them all 'herahim.'                   
                                                            
57665 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



I thought that I'd buy this stuff one day;                  
I'll give them an order on Monday.                          
But what's Christian ink?                                   
I've pondered and think                                     
Your printer won't work on a Sunday.                        
(ad for Christian supplier of ink)                          
57666 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



If Christ died for our sins, as the priest                  
Declares," said a barfly named Keast,                       
"His death is in vain                                       
If we chose to abstain,                                     
So we ought to commit them at least."                       
                                                            
57667 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           A. N. Wilkins       P8403



Without the act of contrition                               
We all would go straight to perdition;                      
A marvelous find                                            
Is a priest who won't mind,                                 
When you fulfill your youthful ambition.                    
                                                            
57668 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Baxter Sperry       P0111



Each Sunday I'm left in the lurch                           
While sinners are heading for church.                       
I think half of the nation                                  
Is seeking salvation,                                       
When all they deserve is the birch.                         
                                                            
57669 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           SFA                      



I confess, and my stomach confirms,                         
That something inside of me squirms,                        
When I read in the pages                                    
Of history's Dark Ages,                                     
Men partook of a Diet of Worms.                             
                                                            
57670 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Laurence Perrine    P9505



Salvation depends on your giving,                           
And living each day by forgiving;                           
By doing good deeds                                         
And respecting all creeds,                                  
And taking the time out for living.                         
                                                            
57671 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Liam na Baeg             



But the Bible says faith is the key                         
That unlocks heaven's portals for me.                       
Not works, lest you boast;                                  
Don't need Dad, Son, Ghost.                                 
So I hope, so salvation I'll see.                           
                                                            
57672 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Liam na Baeg             



"Do unto others," they say,                                 
"As you'd have them treat you that way."                    
But kindly feel free                                        
To omit this with me,                                       
If you're masochist, crazy, or gay.                         
                                                            
57673 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           John Miller 0046         



A theology student named Baird                              
Was asked how in courses he fared.                          
He said he was screening                                    
The words with no meaning,                                  
And was expert in double-talk squared.                      
                                                            
57674 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin   3024-0970



A professor of paleontology,                                
Was arrested without an apology,                            
For proclaiming that we've                                  
Sprung from Adam and Eve,                                   
And reciting in class, the Doxology.                        
(doxology - short hymn praising God)                        
57675 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Cybergeezer              



I'm afraid I was just in the mood,                          
For a bit of gratuitous crude.                              
To avoid sure perdition,                                    
I avoided religion;                                         
Maybe next time, 'twill not be eschewed.                    
                                                            
57676 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Tiddy Ogg                



God made Adam, a feat oft commended --                      
Virgin Mary from Adam descended.                            
Virgin Mary then bore                                       
Son of God, so she swore --                                 
Family screwing that can't be defended.                     
                                                            
57677 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Phil Cannibal       P9106



It's not that it's my time to go,                           
I'm hoping the 'Reaper' is slow.                            
So if you've departed                                       
Before I have started,                                      
Get word back - I'm dying to know.                          
                                                            
57678 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



The Good Book says not to deceive.                          
What I state here is true, I believe.                       
Upon some reflection,                                       
When it comes to injection,                                 
It's better to give than receive.                           
                                                            
57679 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Macsam                   



"There's no God," say the French. "That's obscene,          
For there is," say the Irish with spleen.                   
But the English demur                                       
Because they are sure                                       
That the truth lies somewhere in between.                   
                                                            
57680 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           A. N. Wilkins       P8605



A daring theologian of Abystwyth                            
Met a young lady to play whist with.                        
She trumped his first trick,                                
So he took out his clasp-knife and cut her                  
Bloody throat from ear to ear.                              
                                                            
57681 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Penguin Dictionary  P2005



The sinners are burning in Hell;                            
In Heaven, it's said, all is well.                          
The problem for us                                          
Is: Toward which terminus                                   
Are we headed?  (I know, but won't tell.)                   
                                                            
57682 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Biblical Limericks  P0103



Though often of disparate views,                            
They all present it as "news."                              
In scriptural matters                                       
They tear it to tatters,                                    
Though it comes in different hues.                          
                                                            
57683 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Laurence Perrine    P8706



The lion that roamed in the glen                            
Was hunted by prosperous men.                               
If the truth we must tell,                                  
He did not fare as well                                     
As the Christians thrown in the lion's den.                 
                                                            
57684 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin   3024-2593



Said the God-maker Judas Iscariot,                          
As he flung to the tree-top his lariat,                     
"Pray bear me, dear tree,                                   
Till the days number three,                                 
And Time cuts me down for his chariot."                     
                                                            
57685 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Conrad Aiken        P9408



There was a young girl with a feeling,                      
That if she spent long enough kneeling,                     
She'd feel the reception                                    
Of the immaculate conception,                               
(The man under the bed came from Ealing.)                   
                                                            
57686 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



Why bitch about the Christian label;                        
It would just go to show how we're able                     
To lie to ourselves                                         
About Santa and elves,                                      
And some kid who's born in a stable.                        
                                                            
57687 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           John Miller              



We think we should sue you for libel;                       
Though our customs are primitive, tribal,                   
You should know, in Barbados,                               
The Mission will trade us                                   
For five dirty limericks, a Bible.                          
                                                            
57688 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           St. Tope            P8502



My father at age ninety seven                               
Was arrested and sentenced to Heaven.                       
When he entered the gate                                    
St. Peter said, "Wait!                                      
The Book says you're only eleven."                          
                                                            
57689 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Jim Weaver Collection    



"What is truth," said the cynical Pilate,                   
"That ignorant men should defile it?                        
From the source to the seed,                                
All nature's agreed,                                        
It is only man's mind would restyle it."                    
                                                            
57690 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Conrad Aiken             



Luther's two sins some will say                             
Consign him to hell to this day.                            
He shook the Pope's crown,                                  
And struck the monks down,                                  
Who forced all the sinners to pay.                          
                                                            
57691 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Annie Jay                



"For the nuns I continue to pine,"                          
Martin confessed with a whine...                            
"Wait..I've got a solution!                                 
No need for my absolution!                                  
'Faith Without Works' is just fine!"                        
                                                            
57692 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Tutta Gioia              



Those ninety-five theses of Luther                          
Were posted to proclaim the truth, er                       
Else to reveal                                              
His rhetorical zeal                                         
(The former contention seems couther).                      
                                                            
57693 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Norm Storer              



Mary Magdaline said, "As a saint                            
Observing each pious restraint                              
To merit the credit,                                        
My expenses are debit,                                      
Since I save all that money on paint.                       
                                                            
57694 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           A. N. Wilkins       P9104



A spiritual healer named Lee                                
Ducked into an alley to pee.                                
He pissed in the eye                                        
Of this blind harmless guy,                                 
Who screamed "Holy shit!  I can see!"                       
                                                            
57695 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Anon                     



There was a young heathen named Hommes,                     
From Christians he learned about psalms.                    
And he then was enticed                                     
By the glory of Christ,                                     
Then he learned about napalm and bombs.                     
                                                            
57696 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin            



Most Christians, I  believe you'll concede,                 
Love money and chase it, indeed.                            
They save it in banks,                                      
Those dollars and francs,                                   
And they call it the Nicene Greed.                          
                                                            
57697 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Al Willis           P9709



A builder of roads name of Paul                             
Built roads with no wayside at all.                         
He received approbation                                     
From wise men in the nation,                                
Since no man by the wayside could fall.                     
                                                            
57698 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Al Chaplin          P9408



There was a most devout Christian                           
Who gave up women and missed 'em.                           
God said "Be devout",                                       
So he threw them all out,                                   
And said "Well I'll simply get pissed then."                
                                                            
57699 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



The Truth is the Lord's mighty saber;                       
It saves us from Satan's foul labor.                        
My words unto you                                           
I believe to be true,                                       
But the Truth is that you ain't my neighbor!                
                                                            
57700 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



"Since parthenogenisis misses                               
The rapture of previous kisses,                             
One is apt to inquire                                       
As to what might inspire                                    
Such a singular stunt by the Mrs."                          
(sounds like Joseph's complaint - McW)                      
57701 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               G1691



A rather unorthodox Greek                                   
(A practice we trust was unique)                            
Would inaugurate spring                                     
With an amorous fling,                                      
Observing his own "Passion Week."                           
                                                            
57702 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Armand E Singer       290



With his steno a pastor named Pfaff                         
Once committed a sexual gaffe.                              
For so says the Bible,                                      
That thou are held liable                                   
For putting thy rod in thy staff.                           
                                                            
57703 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Bob Giandomenico    P9009



In a pub a young man of Dundee                              
Vilified an old Quaker with glee.                           
Unperturbed, the old Quaker                                 
Made his peace with his Maker                               
And he calmly responded, "Fuck thee!"                       
                                                            
57704 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin            



There once was a very small Quaker                          
Who, though short, was a true Sabbath breaker.              
Sundays, he'd screw a dame                                  
And then shout, as he came:                                 
"It is True! I am God's little acher!"                      
                                                            
57705 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               G2466



There was a young fellow of Acre,                           
Who took off his hat to a Quaker.                           
When the worthy man said,                                   
"You are very well bred",                                   
He replied, "Well, you see I'm a baker."                    
                                                            
57706 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Langford Reed            



A destitute lady named Laker                                
Was accosted and screwed by a Quaker.                       
When she begged him for bread,                              
He smiled sadly and said,                                   
"If it's bread that thee wants, fuck a baker."              
                                                            
57707 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin 3024  P8910



The Quaker girl said, "Thou art free                        
To choose between Anna and me."                             
The Quaker boy said,                                        
Who violence did dread,                                     
"My piece can come only in thee."                           
                                                            
57708 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Tucker D. Ott       P8911



There was a young fellow named Baker                        
Who had an affair with a Quaker.                            
The things she partook                                      
Were not in the Good Book,                                  
But he never was able to shake her.                         
                                                            
57709 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin   3024-1309



A Quaker bartender named Lee,                               
Avoided all raucous melee,                                  
But got up his ire,                                         
At religious inquire,                                       
And quietly murmured, "Fuck thee!"                          
                                                            
57710 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               G1130



A hot-blooded traveler named Baker,                         
Once tried to seduce a young Quaker.                        
And when he had done it,                                    
She straightened her bonnet,                                
And said, "I give thanks to my maker."                      
                                                            
57711 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Anon                G1086



There once was a Christian from Rome,                       
Who decided to preach far from home.                        
He though that at least                                     
He could counter the beast,                                 
By boring folks down to the bone.                           
                                                            
57712 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



And so he went out on his quest,                            
Sure that he would be the best.                             
He kept preaching the word,                                 
Making sure people heard,                                   
To which they said, "Surely, you just!"                     
                                                            
57713 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



"Your stories are dumb as can be,                           
To anyone older than three!                                 
This ridiculous tripe                                       
That you're trying to hype,                                 
Is nothing but nonsense to me!"                             
                                                            
57714 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



He drew himself up and declared,                            
"Your reasoning skills are impaired!                        
If you'd open your eyes,                                    
And just look to the skies,                                 
You'd believe as I do, if you dared."                       
                                                            
57715 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



His audience just laughed and jeered.                       
"Illogical twit!" they all sneered.                         
"You're only a goof!                                        
For the burden of proof                                     
Is yours!" and they giggled and leered.                     
                                                            
57716 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



The Christian was stricken with grief.                      
"They all only smear my belief!                             
Can they truly not see                                      
Something so clear to me?                                   
They treat me like some kind of thief!"                     
                                                            
57717 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



Chastised, he went crawling home                            
To his overstuffed church back in Rome.                     
To expel his new doubt,                                     
He never came out                                           
And only prayed under the dome.                             
                                                            
57718 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



And so, saved for real, was the land,                       
Once it was freed from his brand.                           
Then centuries on,                                          
The church was not gone,                                    
As it killed all the heathens at hand.                      
                                                            
57719 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Frank Wustner            



An ardent young acolyte named Xavier,                       
Dedicated his soul to the Saviour.                          
Then a bitch taught that boy                                
Matrimonial joy --                                          
My God! how the Saviour's lost favier.                      
                                                            
57720 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               G1176



Said the Lord, "We must send an instructor                  
To the profligate cad, Percy Ruchter."                      
So an angel of mercy                                        
Was dispatched to see Percy,                                
But he nailed down her wings and he fucked her.             
                                                            
57721 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin            



Praise the Lord, my fetish confessed,                       
All my sins can now be transgressed.                        
Soon I'll be succumbing                                     
To your second coming;                                      
It seems that I've been truly blessed.                      
                                                            
57722 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



A problem the Good Book addresses                           
On workers; it tries to impress us                          
That serving two masters                                    
Creates big disasters.                                      
'Tis worse serving three mistresses.                        
                                                            
57723 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Archie                   



There was an old prophet named Gophet                       
Who promised two ladies named Moffat,                       
Untold wealth would be theirs                               
If they purchased his shares;                               
Before long they were sharing the prophet.                  
                                                            
57724 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin   3024-0174



The cadaverous image priests pray on                        
'Twas a twelfth century hoaxer's scorched Crayon.           
One tested hypothesis                                       
Of what kind of cloth this is                               
Proved it might just as well have been Rayon.               
                                                            
57725 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Paul Niquette            



Poor Simon's not much of a lad,                             
And often he cracks a great sad.                            
But we shouldn't wonder,                                    
It's caused by the blunders                                 
Of the rest of the apostles so bad.                         
                                                            
57726 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



As one and all will soon find out,                          
Serving God is what life is about.                          
Sin may feel good;                                          
God made sure it would,                                     
But within marriage, and not without.                       
                                                            
57727 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Jon Downie               



All my trials, I confess, I besmirch:                       
Born with evil, I sin while I search;                       
Now I've reached holy ground,                               
Since on TV I found                                         
The Original Sin Lover's Church!                            
                                                            
57728 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Mark Levy           P9609



Though dying, a man of great worth                          
Went to heaven with feelings of mirth.                      
When he asked for the Lord,                                 
Said St. Peter, so bored,                                   
"He is busy with smiting on Earth."                         
                                                            
57729 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Albin Chaplin   3024-2844



A kinky young girl from Eutoxeter,                          
Adored having men wave their cocks at her.                  
She was cleansed of this stain                              
By a priest from Dunbaine                                   
Who quoted St Paul and John Knox at her.                    
                                                            
57730 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Herbert Kretzmer         



Said a lighthearted girl from Salerno,                      
"It is better to screw than to burn, oh."                   
St Peter took note                                          
Of this flagrant misquote,                                  
And consigned her to Dante's Inferno.                       
                                                            
57731 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Isaac Asimov             



Stalwart ecclesiastic, Fred Stonce,                         
Preached, "Be resolute.  Supress your wonts.                
Remain steadfastly pure                                     
And salvation is sure.                                      
Even Hindoos proscribe their Hindon'ts."                    
                                                            
57732 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



Man conjured many reasons -- a flood --                     
For Creation, but each was a dud.                           
God's masterful plan                                        
For creating a man:                                         
To supply his mosquito with blood.                          
                                                            
57733 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Al Chaplin          P9611



Now here was St. Paul's peroration:                         
"Love Jesus; avoid fornication.                             
Far better is buggery,                                      
Or sucking a dug, or re-                                    
Vival of joint masturbation."                               
                                                            
57734 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                               G1141



When three wise men came from afar,                         
They followed a heavenly star.                              
They traveled by camel,                                     
An unruly mammal;                                           
It might have been quicker by car.                          
                                                            
57735 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Richard Long             



Mexicans show a substantial lack                            
Of ambition, resulting in slack.                            
They have in their head                                     
That Jesus had said,                                        
"Don't do anything till I get back."                        
                                                            
57736 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Tom Patton          P9604



Religious beliefs.  Question 1.                             
When facing an enemy's gun,                                 
Your pref'rence please tell:                                
a) be shot to hell,                                         
Or b) blown unto kingdom come.                              
                                                            
57737 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN                                    



Jason's mother, devout Susan Nair,                          
Said, "Since there will be no time to spare,                
Make sure you are bathed,                                   
And go shampooed and shaved,                                
To the Rapture in clean underwear."                         
                                                            
57738 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



A crusading prelate named Weeks                             
Is thrown into protracted piques,                           
By the Bible's advice                                       
That he strive to be nice                                   
Through the cowardly turning of cheeks.                     
                                                            
57739 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Norm Storer              



Unitarians abandoned the Trinity                            
To worship a solo divinity;                                 
From three down to one,                                     
They've dropped down to none;                               
And the hades of pure saccharinity.                         
                                                            
57740 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           Dr Limerick              



These rhymes were designed by a priest,                     
To affect your religion like yeast;                         
If they help it to grow,                                    
Like the yeast in the dough,                                
There'll be one better Christian, at least.                 
(I wouldn't bet on it. - McW)                               
57741 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN           "G. L. P"                



People who claim they're religious,                         
Often become most litigious.                                
It's all black or white                                     
And so they indict                                          
Anything strange or prodigious.                             
                                                            
57742 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Timothy Torkildson       



In this, our land of milk and honey,                        
Separate church and state is funny.                         
They won't give us the nod                                  
To make a pledge "under God;"                               
These remarks are right on the money!                       
                                                            
57743 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Tom Patton          P0305



As a Christian you give me a pain;                          
You've grown far too fat and too vain.                      
We know you're with sin                                     
But we might let you in,                                    
If you will dispense with your brain.                       
                                                            
57744 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Baxter Sperry       P0111



Some men will not turn down their thumbs                    
On any young lady that comes,                               
But prefer girls religious,                                 
For their wants are prodigious                              
And their heads are as empty as drums.                      
                                                            
57745 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Albin Chaplin   3024-2334



There was a young lady from Kent,                           
Who gave up her husband for Lent.                           
The night before Easter,                                    
When Jesus released her,                                    
It didn't make a damn bit of difference, because in the     
meantime, he'd been running around with other women.        
57746 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Anon                G0104



Episcopals okayed a gay,                                    
To show them the deviant way.                               
If in need of some more,                                    
There are RC clerics galore,  (Roman Catholics)             
Who'll bolt at a chance for new prey.                       
                                                            
57747 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Anon                P0309



A conception that should be immaculate,                     
Will in no way involve an ejaculate.                        
But where is the fun                                        
If that way it is done?                                     
For myself, I just don't care to tackle it.                 
                                                            
57748 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Isaac Asimov             



Without God, there's no wrong or no right.                  
Human ego's continue to fight,                              
Any force that would dare --                                
To restrict or impair                                       
Them from killing by day and by night.                      
                                                            
57749 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Paul Franklin            



Her Catholic man hard as cement,                            
She ogled his large trouser tent.                           
She was much dismayed                                       
When her honey sayed,                                       
"But, darling, I can't 'cause it's Lent."                   
                                                            
57750 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID                           



She eyed her new hubby so strong;                           
How could the damn fool lend his dong?                      
What had he been thinking --                                
Or had he been drinking?                                    
"You lent it to whom? For how long?"                        
                                                            
57751 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID                           



A religious fanatic named Mel                               
Spoke of heaven and angels as well.                         
When he died one fine day,                                  
He missed heaven, they say,                                 
And he also missed going to hell.                           
                                                            
57752 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Al Chaplin          P0304



Some devout folk, unwavering, steady,                       
Are convinced one can't go if unready.                      
In such dogma are whirls                                    
Spinning backward in swirls,                                
Mary Baker was just one such Eddy.                          
                                                            
57753 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Loren Fitzhugh      P0900



Observed a real sexpot named Mavis,                         
"God always needs babies to save us,                        
So I feel no compunction                                    
Against screwing -- a function                              
That lets us flaunt skills that he gave us."                
                                                            
57754 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Armand E Singer       889



The people the churches love best                           
Breed children like rabbits, with zest.                     
They serve every passion                                    
In orthodox fashion;                                        
The state gets the bill to digest.                          
                                                            
57755 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Patrick Braybrook        



There was a young lady named Grunday                        
Who fucked every day except Sunday,                         
When she rested her box                                     
By sucking on cocks,                                        
For the Lord's Day must not be a fun day.                   
                                                            
57756 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Albin Chaplin   3024-0822



It is known than in Salem of yore,                          
You were quite S.O.L. if you swore.                         
You could die for a zit,                                    
For King James was a hit,                                   
And possession nine tenths of the lore.                     
                                                            
57757 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Graham Lester            



My girlfriend's a sweet, devout nurse                       
Who never will shout, swear or curse;                       
Her house burned to the ground                              
And her kittens all drowned,                                
But she says, "Praise the Lord it's not worse!"             
                                                            
57758 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Mark Levy           P0110



Faith-based welfare must feel like boulders                 
On the Salvation Army's strong shoulders.                   
And just to be sure                                         
That they're morally pure,                                  
They want no queers with the Christian Soldiers.            
                                                            
57759 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Dr Limerick              



The shroud of Turin, is to me, a                            
Patent fake like Chinese Sangria.                           
In Italy it                                                 
Would simply not fit                                        
The wardrobe of the Pope.  Momma Mia!                       
                                                            
57760 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  James Randi              



It's easy religion to besmirch,                             
But 'tis not the fault of the church.                       
But blame ye the pastors                                    
Who sit on their asters;                                    
Whose hypocracy leaves Christ in the lurch,                 
                                                            
57761 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Chris Anton              



In Ireland, churchmen have no guts.                         
Their numbers need serious cuts.                            
A big churchyard sale                                       
Really could not fail.                                      
They could sell all the religious nuts!                     
                                                            
57762 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Tony Burrell             



Well, is God alive any more?                                
Not in Northern Ireland for sure.                           
The Devil is rife                                           
In everyday life,                                           
And the churches have not got the cure.                     
                                                            
57763 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Tony Burrell             



If your religion said: Be meek and mild.                    
Then you spat on your neighbor's child.                     
Would you shout out loud:                                   
"Ah Jesus, I'm proud!"                                      
No wonder religion's reviled.                               
                                                            
57764 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Tony Burrell             



In Ulster kids can't get to school,                         
If they're Prots where the Caatholics rule.                 
If you spit on infants,                                     
Nobody recants;                                             
God makes them grow up to be fools.                         
                                                            
57765 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Tony Burrell             



"We three Kings of Orient are..."                           
A benign opening...OK so far.                               
But then they decided                                       
The world be divided,                                       
And began the 2000 year war!                                
                                                            
57766 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  John K. Roberts     P9212



Want money a believer proof?                                
Where comest thou off so aloof?                             
The tithe of each member's,                                 
Or so I remember,                                           
To pay for the pastor and roof!                             
                                                            
57767 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Archie                   



The shaman's a lazy old guy                                 
Who needed a new trade to ply.                              
He created a God,                                           
The crafty old sod,                                         
And still he continues to lie!                              
                                                            
57768 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Archie                   



A pastor, a priest, or witch doc,                           
They all fleece their own private flock.                    
But greed causes wars                                       
And flocks become taws                                      
To die for some old poppycock.                              
                                                            
57769 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Archie                   



With evangelicals I reside,                                 
And my gambling they will not abide.                        
Ah, but then recently                                       
I won the lottery,                                          
And my tithe called the fold to my side.                    
                                                            
57770 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Loren Fitzhugh      P0302



Spaniards came to the New World,                            
But before they had banners unfurled,                       
The Holy Inquisitors                                        
Began seeing visitors                                       
And the rack handles twirled and twirled.                   
                                                            
57771 RELIGION - CHRISTIAN - STUPID  Robert Moore             



There is an old harlot of Dijon,                            
Who in her old age got religion.                            
"When I'm dead and gone,"                                   
She said, "I'll take on,                                    
The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."                       
                                                            
57772 RELIGION - CHURCHES                                G1101



Il y avait un jeune homme de Dijon,                         
Qui n'avait que peu de religion.                            
Il dit: "Quant a moi,                                       
Je deteste tous les trois,                                  
Le Pere, et le Fils, et le Pigeon."                         
                                                            
57773 RELIGION - CHURCHES                                     



"With Pearlygate's odor of sin,                             
I wonder," declared Mr. Flynn,                              
"With all the sensation                                     
Of wild accusation,                                         
How it is that the Contras fit in."                         
                                                            
57774 RELIGION - CHURCHES            A. N. Wilkins       P8706



Disney OK'd the Gay Pride parades                           
Causing those Southern Baptist tirades.                     
"We'll shun the house                                       
Of that Mickey Mouse,                                       
And his goofy friends, the gay blades.                      
                                                            
57775 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Tom Patton          P9709



The Baptists can't hide their chagrin                       
Now that Disney treats roomies as kin.                      
So they boycott the house                                   
Of the Anti-Christ mouse,                                   
'Cause the mouse condones living in sin.                    
                                                            
57776 RELIGION - CHURCHES            William N. Nesbit   P9709



Some days I have none, sometimes two;                       
Other days I profess more than a few.                       
The thing that's controlling                                
Is who's doing the polling.                                 
I'll be any religion - leave me alone, do!                  
                                                            
57777 RELIGION - CHURCHES                                     



Well, B.C, A.D., and C.E.                                   
With B.C.E. all hope to be                                  
Ways to speak of past time,                                 
But at least for my dime,                                   
But B.P. for them all's to easy.                            
                                                            
57778 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Ystap                    



Some people will believe anything is true,                  
When in front of the church, they tell you,                 
With legends and hoaxes,                                    
They weekly provokes us,                                    
To think they know not what they do.                        
                                                            
57779 RELIGION - CHURCHES                                     



As the carillon peals solemnly,                             
The notes waft gently, resoundingly.                        
I attend to its knell,                                      
Then remark, "What the hell!                                
John Donne's tolling it only for thee."                     
                                                            
57780 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Loren Fitzhugh      P0012



There was a backslider named Heaster,                       
Who went to church only on Easter,                          
Saying, "Once is enough;                                    
The seats are too rough;                                    
I suffer from boils on my keister."                         
                                                            
57781 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Armand E Singer       627



I once thought the Church was quite sacred,                 
But now think grace is over-rated.                          
But the bread and the wine                                  
Can taste mighty fine,                                      
When the existence of God is debated.                       
                                                            
57782 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Ryan Deschamps           



The church is of people composed,                           
Not perfect, as is oft supposed.                            
So until Christ returns,                                    
Our hatred still burns                                      
And leaves us somewhat indisposed.                          
                                                            
57783 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Liam na Baeg             



As centuries go in a flow,                                  
It's always a nice thing to know,                           
The last ended '99,                                         
Which back then was quite fine.                             
But ours will end in '00.                                   
                                                            
57784 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Ystap                    



There was a young choirboy named Muir,                      
Whose thoughts for young girls were not pure.               
The court had him confined                                  
To clean out his mind.                                      
Those thoughts now get fewer and fewer.                     
                                                            
57785 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Arthur Pattaffy          



How poor is the well-known church mouse,                    
For he does have a room in God's house.                     
Wafer crumbs from the floor,                                
Holy water galore,                                          
And with wine he's become a fat souse.                      
                                                            
57786 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Bob Birch           P9902



Regarding the constant fools' ruckus,                       
And the fact they're a pain in the tuckas,                  
Let's tell Catholics, Jews,                                 
And Muslims the news:                                       
We object when their clerics' rules fuck us!                
                                                            
57787 RELIGION - CHURCHES                                     



There was a young man who deployed                          
The Bible to fill a great void.                             
Though he learned how to read,                              
Yet this fact we concede:                                   
In the process his mind was destroyed!                      
                                                            
57788 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Albin Chaplin   3024-2540



A church-going harlot was Birch;                            
Her record no man could besmirch.                           
Through nine pieces she'd writhe,                           
Then avoided the tithe                                      
By donating the tenth to the church.                        
                                                            
57789 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Albin Chaplin   3024-1447



Said an old occult faker named Bucky:                       
"America for me has been lucky.                             
I've got pots full of gold                                  
From the fools in my fold,                                  
And fat boys if perchance I feel fucky!"                    
                                                            
57790 RELIGION - CHURCHES                                G2281



Suppose that religion ain't God's;                          
That all of those preachers are frauds.                     
They all just want power                                    
And folks who will cower.                                   
We must rid the Earth of these clods!                       
                                                            
57791 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Marlene Lewis            



Religion keeps people controlled;                           
It makes them do what they are told.                        
You don't have to search                                    
For any one church;                                         
It's governments like to have this hold.                    
                                                            
57792 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Tony Burrell             



Outside of his church, he's pursuing                        
A lifestyle of virtuous doing;                              
But when he's at Mass,                                      
All he thinks of is ass,                                    
And the woman who, next, he'll be screwing.                 
                                                            
57793 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Cap'n Bean          P9808



There are saints in your secular life;                      
There are angels who help with your strife.                 
But in church you might sit,                                
By the town's hypocrite,                                    
Who has cheated this week on his wife.                      
                                                            
57794 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Bob Birch           P9808



The Witnesses came to her door                              
Quite often, for twelve years or more,                      
To give the Watchtower                                      
And offer her power                                         
Of Jesus -- you know what for.                              
                                                            
57795 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Tony Burrell             



Down to her local Kingdom Hall                              
She went, with magazines and all.                           
She banged on the gate                                      
And made them irate.                                        
Not amused, the police they did call.                       
                                                            
57796 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Tony Burrell             



Go to church, contemplate for a while.                      
Say your prayers and you'll make your soul smile.           
But inspite how you try,                                    
There's noise from small fry;                               
Kids run, with bedlam in the aisle.                         
                                                            
57797 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Tom Patton          P9808



There was a young critic of King's                          
Who had views on the limits of things.                      
With the size of his chapel                                 
He'd frequently grapple,                                    
And exclaim, "It's biggish for King's"                      
                                                            
57798 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Arthur Hilton            



We were painting the church steeple gray,                   
When the wind blew our brushes away.                        
We said to the Pastor,                                      
"What a disaster!"                                          
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."                          
                                                            
57799 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Lillian Kollar           



They sat down, the three old farts,                         
To discuss when life's said to start.                       
The vicar, the priest                                       
And the rabbi (a beast)                                     
And all took the issue to heart.                            
                                                            
57800 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Dana Hansen              



"At conception, it's sentient and holy!"                    
The priest opened argument.  "If only                       
You'll wait until birth,                                    
The kid'll share our mirth",                                
Said the vicar and smiled oh, so jolly.                     
                                                            
57801 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Dana Hansen              



The rabbi just listened, and then                           
He said with a widening grin:                               
"Life starts, you old goats,                                
When the family dog croaks,                                 
And the kids move out... ah, then!"                         
                                                            
57802 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Dana Hansen              



I pity Iraqis, poor prey!                                   
So Saddam and Bath they must stray.                         
But nothing as old                                          
As mass mind-control;                                       
I saw it in church yesterday.                               
                                                            
57803 RELIGION - CHURCHES            H                        



The church is unlocked; burgulars chose                     
To steal all the seats, leave no clues.                     
The cops simply snicker                                     
And say to the vicar,                                       
"You should mind your keys and your pews."                  
                                                            
57804 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Tiddy                    



The candles are freshly tallowed;                           
The halls look invitingly hallowed.                         
In the midst of the sermon,                                 
I am fussin' and squirmin',                                 
And wondering if Monica swallowed.                          
                                                            
57805 RELIGION - CHURCHES            MrMalo                   



Because of your dank, foul mind,                            
And thoughts of the impurest kind,                          
Avert your gaze higher,                                     
Look up in the choir.                                       
Some succulent pussy you'll find.                           
                                                            
57806 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Frank                    



The choir girls in their white robes,                       
All tugging upon their ear lobes;                           
With pink pussies showing,                                  
Their smiling and knowing                                   
That soon you'll be sucking their globes.                   
                                                            
57807 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Arden                    



There was an old lady of Harrow                             
Who rode into church in a barrow.                           
When she stuck in the aisle,                                
Said she, with a smile,                                     
"They build these 'ere churches too narrow."                
                                                            
57808 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Linda Marsh Coll         



There was a young choirboy named Kim,                       
Who on Sundays sang hymn after hymn.                        
From the fall to the spring,                                
He was happy to sing.                                       
In the summer he was happier to swim!                       
                                                            
57809 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Arthur Pattaffy          



Sir Timothy Twickum Tippoo                                  
Only rarely had sat in his pew.                             
While he thought church was nice,                           
Having been one or twice,                                   
He believed one should not overdo.                          
                                                            
57810 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Warrick Elrod            



The Vicar much hopes than you'll sing                       
And make the hymns go with a swing;                         
But, needless to say,                                       
When you kneel down to pray,                                
You needn't believe in a thing.                             
                                                            
57811 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Harold C Bibby           



A Moslem, a Christian, and Jew;                             
Each with their very own view,                              
Sat down at a table                                         
And then were unable                                        
To come up with anything new.                               
                                                            
57812 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Harry Rubin         P9309



I yearn to go back to the Cam!                              
Now nostalgic is just what I am!                            
To the cacks turn my back                                   
And then notice the lack                                    
Of honey -- 'Is there only jam?'                            
(The Old Rectory, Granchester by Rupert Brooke)             
57813 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Jim Weaver Collection    



"As for women," a sister named Hall                         
Told the Bishops assembled, "Don't stall.                   
No longer disdain them.                                     
Why either ordain them                                      
Or give up baptizing them all."                             
                                                            
57814 RELIGION - CHURCHES            A. N. Wilkins       P8907



Said a busy young Texan in Rome,                            
Who had bought up the Vatican dome,                         
"It's not just the art,                                     
Though I'd say that's right smart,                          
It's the challenge of getting it home."                     
                                                            
57815 RELIGION - CHURCHES            John Ciardi              



A church in the south of Peru                               
Decided to try something new.                               
So they now have installed                                  
(Though the Bishop's appalled)                              
Recliners inside of the pew.                                
                                                            
57816 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Cap'n Bean          P9902



There was a young woman of Ayre,                            
Tried to steal out of church during prayer,                 
But the squeak of her shoes                                 
So enlivened the pews                                       
That she sat down again in despair.                         
                                                            
57817 RELIGION - CHURCHES                                     



The old architect stated in Dallas,                         
"The church steeple is naught but a phallus.                
But the words he did pick                                   
Was "the steeple's a prick,"                                
And he said this without any malice.                        
                                                            
57818 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Albin Chaplin   3024-2005



A mischievous lady in Thule                                 
Figured transgressing was cool.                             
Her living so fast                                          
Is all in the past,                                         
And she teaches the Church Sunday School.                   
                                                            
57819 RELIGION - CHURCHES            VOL 6                    



Our temple has formed a new choir;                          
The range is from lower to higher.                          
The choirmaster's a she;                                    
Rehearsals they serve tea.                                  
Some professionals they'd need to acquire.                  
                                                            
57820 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Arthur Pattaffy          



Said the whore, after years of research,                    
"I don't want to be left in the lurch.                      
I still live by my hole,                                    
But there's hope for my soul,                               
For I give ten percent to my church."                       
                                                            
57821 RELIGION - CHURCHES            John Miller 0028         



On the golf course, the preacher might swear,               
And a priest on a nude beach will stare,                    
But on Sunday they're saintly,                              
Since their sins show but faintly,                          
And "Oy vey," says the rabbi, "Not fair."                   
                                                            
57822 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Bob Birch           P9808



The sins of the Church Universal,                           
So varied and quite quaquaversal, (pointing all directions) 
Need patience supernal            (from above)              
And time sepiternal               (eternal)                 
For full effective rehearsal.                               
                                                            
57823 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Harold C Bibby           



At last Sunday I watched the sunrise,                       
A strange voice said, "Let me emphasize                     
Your ten percent giving                                     
Is the way of the living                                    
Can lay steel rails to heaven, on tithes."                  
                                                            
57824 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9606



The traditional Church has turned sour,                     
And my pastor's unbearably dour;                            
Whatever's become                                           
Of the lecherous scum                                       
Like Paul's converts, who'd "bite and devour"?              
                                                            
57825 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Robin K. Willoughby P8707



On Sunday the elders of Timmins                             
Are happy at church singing hym-ns;                         
The rest of the week                                        
Their pleasure they seek,                                   
Relaxing with wine and with wimmins.                        
                                                            
57826 RELIGION - CHURCHES            Anne Anderson,Victoria72b



You may think it just a bit odd                             
That there can be no other Lord God.                        
Well, the priests selected                                  
And I've been elected,                                      
So shut your damn mouth, you old sod!                       
(I am thy Lord thy God, ...no other gods before me.)        
57827 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



There was a young man who was caught                        
With a gold graven image he'd wrought.                      
A priest took it and swore                                  
He would go to Hell for                                     
His indulging in vain idol thought.                         
(Thou shalt not make unto me any graven image.)             
57828 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



A charioteer, Abu Ben Fay                                   
Lost a wheel to a friend, one dark day.                     
When he surveyed the wreck,                                 
He yelled, "You fault, by heck"                             
For Christ's sake, what goddamn else could he say?          
(Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.)         
57829 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



The Sabbath is for the Lord, wholly;                        
So do just those things that are holy.                      
You can futter galore                                       
With a charming young whore;                                
The best parts of such creatures are holey.                 
(Keep holy the Sabbath day.)                                
57830 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



You must honor thy father and mother.                       
Although there just may be some other                       
Young chap who squeezed ribs                                
With your ma, and your sibs                                 
Are not really your sister and brother.                     
(Honor thy father and mother.)                              
57831 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



Eve and Adam together had lain                              
And produced a most fabulous twain.                         
Eve told Abel one night                                     
That to kill was not right.                                 
But somehow she forgot to tell Cain.                        
(Thou shalt not kill.)                                      
57832 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



All women adore bedside fun;                                
They've no shame for what they have done.                   
Hubby says, "Wifey mine,                                    
Goodnight, mother of nine."                                 
She harrummmphs, "Goodnight, father of one!"                
(Thou shalt not commit adultry.)                            
57833 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



Said a colored tie salesman named Boone                     
(A corporate executive goon).                               
"There is nothing zanier                                    
That expert kleptomania;                                    
If you steal, steal like a tycoon."                         
(Thou shalt not steal.)                                     
57834 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



Though you suspect your wife has had fun                    
And your neighbor has made you your son,                    
Which he stoutly denies                                     
With a packet of lies,                                      
Don't lie about loading your gun.                           
(Thou shalt not bear false witness.)                        
57835 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



Do not covet your neighbor's new digs,                      
Or his horses and two wheeled rigs.                         
And at cost of your life                                    
Do not covet his wife,                                      
Though you may have a go at his pigs.                       
(Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors goods.)                 
57836 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Clifford M. Christ  P8301



An idolater coveting cunts,                                 
One Sabbath cursed God with rude grunts,                    
Humped his mom, stole a knife,                              
Blaming dad, took her life,                                 
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
57837 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Martin Wellborn     P8911



Waiting below are Israel's sons.                            
Down the mountain Moses now runs,                           
With tablets in hand.                                       
A rock in the sand...                                       
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
57838 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Irving Superior     P8911



I'd rather, than limerickize Nuns,                          
Which means vulgarize saintly ones --                       
I'd rather you ask                                          
An easier task --                                           
Break all Ten Commandments at once.                         
                                                            
57839 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Irving Superior     P8908



Very evil was Elmer McBunts;                                
He bullied and picked on all runts --                       
For a climax did he                                         
Reach the highest degree,                                   
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
57840 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Andrew Sorrenson    P8908



Breaking ten pre-puberty cunts.                             
Breaking ten pro-chastity nuns.                             
Though weary am I,                                          
When finished I'll try                                      
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.                      
                                                            
57841 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Irving Superior     P8911



Commandments times ten on the wall.                         
These people's poor brains are so small                     
They can't understand                                       
That in a fair land,                                        
There's NOT one religion for ALL!                           
                                                            
57842 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS                                 



On good advice, if puzzled then                             
Re-read Commandments, One through Ten.                      
If good advice conflicts                                    
With say, Commandment Six,                                  
Then do not read old Six again.                             
                                                            
57843 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Irving Superior     P9606



There was a young Christitan named Phil                     
Who went to the wars with a will.                           
He dropped napalm and rockets                               
On all enemy pockets.                                       
His motto was "Thou shalt not kill!"                        
                                                            
57844 RELIGION - COMMANDMENTS        Albin Chaplin            



The faithful that followed old Dodd,                        
Disrobed when he gave them the nod.                         
Then they sang many hymns                                   
And they locked all their limbs,                            
And together they shouted, "Oh God!"                        
                                                            
57845 RELIGION - CULTS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2025



Though his colleagues all think it uncouth,                 
The Seer claims that in his youth,                          
He was given the light                                      
In this blinding insight:                                   
In omphaloskepsis is truth.                                 
                                                            
57846 RELIGION - CULTS               A N Wilkins              



There once was a man named Dop,                             
Who worshipped the comet Hale-Bopp.                         
He started a clan                                           
And told them his plan,                                     
Thinking the comet would stop.                              
                                                            
57847 RELIGION - CULTS               Lauren             TP9802



The zealots of Comet Hale-Bopp                              
Said castration's the thing to be sought.                   
Seeking eternal life,                                       
They went under the knife;                                  
More nutty by far than we thought.                          
                                                            
57848 RELIGION - CULTS               Tom Patton          P9707



"Lost in Space" is the term, so I've heard,                 
For a dead, purple-shroud-covered nerd.                     
Earth was only a stop                                       
On the way to Hale-Bopp,                                    
So perhaps "comet-ose" is the word.                         
                                                            
57849 RELIGION - CULTS               Larry Hollister          



A religious fanatic named Schlutz                           
Was converted to dozens of cults,                           
Whose requirements include                                  
Being dunked in the nude                                    
With other consenting adults.                               
                                                            
57850 RELIGION - CULTS               Thomas A. Quinine   P8312



There is a committee elect,                                 
Who could compare with Koresh's sect.                       
A referendum they held;                                     
No rat had they smelled;                                    
The decision they still did reject!                         
                                                            
57851 RELIGION - CULTS               Nat Rudolf               



We offer this honored position,                             
To a maiden in pristine condition,                          
Must be virga intacta,                                      
I.e. no one has facta,                                      
She's never experienced coition.                            
                                                            
57852 RELIGION - CULTS                                        



We're an ancient concern, not a two-bit,                    
Orgynisation, we druids,                                    
On the forthcoming solstice,                                
Will take you, our hostess,                                 
And fill you with seminal fluids.                           
                                                            
57853 RELIGION - CULTS                                        



We're sure that you'll be a sensation,                      
So hurry, send your application,                            
To reach us post-haste.                                     
If you're pure and chaste,                                  
We'll have us a grand celebration.                          
                                                            
57854 RELIGION - CULTS                                        



Application and nude pic please send,                       
To Druid Catweazle, World's end,                            
At Avebury Ring,                                            
And there's just one more thing,                            
Mark the envelope "Please do not bend."                     
                                                            
57855 RELIGION - CULTS                                        



There was a young fellow named Ike                          
Who said, "People can think what they like.                 
I'm the prophet of God                                      
And a wealthy young sod.                                    
So I don't care if they take the mike."                     
                                                            
57856 RELIGION - CULTS               Alexander Baron          



While in search of a reason to die,                         
Applewhite saw the light in the sky.                        
"Look! A heavenly Gate!                                     
Croak before it's too late!                                 
And his followers never asked why.                          
                                                            
57857 RELIGION - CULTS               Larry Hollister          



Each cult member's life, without fail,                      
Was arrested; the comet's bright tail                       
Had enticed them to swap                                    
Earthly vessels for Bopp.                                   
But it just isn't Heaven -- it's Hale.                      
                                                            
57858 RELIGION - CULTS               Jerry Nordal             



A cult there was in San Diego                               
That believed every UFO fable.                              
When Hale-Bopp came,                                        
They all went insane,                                       
And now lie on a coroner's table.                           
                                                            
57859 RELIGION - CULTS               Jeff Radford             



The stupid cult "Heavens Gate"                              
Was run by a fruity bald-pate.                              
Although all very nice,                                     
They mixed UFO's and Christ,                                
And wanted a similar fate.                                  
                                                            
57860 RELIGION - CULTS               Jeff Radford             



The loonies of Heaven's Gate Nation                         
Loved nothing but good masturbation.                        
Although all were well rested,                              
When castration was suggested,                              
Decided they'd prefer suffocation.                          
                                                            
57861 RELIGION - CULTS               Jeff Radford             



The comet with Bopp after Hale                              
Ended up being Do's Holy Grail.                             
Put a bag on your head,                                     
Till you're cold, stiff, and dead,                          
Then beam up to the ship in its tail.                       
                                                            
57862 RELIGION - CULTS               Larry Hollister          



It all seems much clearer, I said ...                       
Guess I've been too easily led.                             
What helped me to see?                                      
Could it possibly be                                        
This black vinyl sack on my head?                           
                                                            
57863 RELIGION - CULTS               Jan L                    



Some Jehovah's Witnesses called,                            
Expecting me to be enthralled                               
By their maifestation                                       
Of eternal salvation,                                       
When over my shoulder I called...                           
                                                            
57864 RELIGION - CULTS               Tiddy Ogg                



"Satan! It's time for your sup-                             
per.  My rottweiller pup                                    
Came running to me,                                         
And didn't they flee;                                       
To a rott their faith can't stand up.                       
                                                            
57865 RELIGION - CULTS               Tiddy Ogg                



The worst is the hour I dread;                              
At eight A.M. I am just dead.                               
I answer the door                                           
With my pin to the fore.                                    
It says I'm a born again shit head.                         
                                                            
57866 RELIGION - CULTS               Karen                    



It's reported once M. Baker Eddy                            
Asked her flock if they thought they were ready             
To accept truth revealed.                                   
Then she fetchingly peeled                                  
Off her robe and displayed a sheer teddy.                   
                                                            
57867 RELIGION - CULTS               L C Fitzhugh        P0111



Outrageous humor's the rule                                 
We use with a limerick tool.                                
But attempts to disgrace                                    
Religion or race                                            
Reveals one to be a damn fool.                              
(as if writing limericks is not enough, asshole - McW)      
57868 RELIGION - CULTS               Frank Fazed              



I once had a friend named Erlander                          
Who fell for some cult propaganda.                          
I said, "You're a goose!                                    
Your screws have come loose!"                               
He answered "Please call me a gander!"                      
                                                            
57869 RELIGION - CULTS               Monique de Plume         



Hubbard believed his own hype                               
Of Scientology tripe.                                       
It has not a smidgin                                        
Of real true religion.                                      
It's nothing but shit in a kype.                            
                                                            
57870 RELIGION - CULTS               Arden                    



Critics of our fair religion,                               
Are criminals by definition.                                
Fair-game we employ                                         
To trick and destroy;                                       
Attack! Not Defend! Our tradition!                          
                                                            
57871 RELIGION - CULTS               Rob Clark                



There once was a guy named L. Ron                           
Who thought up a wonderful con.                             
Now you got to admit                                        
It sounded like shit,                                       
But he became a robber baron.                               
(L. Ron Hubbard of the Church of Scientology)               
57872 RELIGION - CULTS               Karl Chase Sr.           



That Scientologist Ron,                                     
To Hell is long dead and gone.                              
His cult though, still thrives,                             
Wrecking young people's lives,                              
As his blood-sucking misers grasp on.                       
                                                            
57873 RELIGION - CULTS               Tiddy Ogg                



I don't give a damn about Ron,                              
But this shit just goes on and on --                        
I wish they'd all choke                                     
On this junk, and croak --                                  
Till every last one of them's gone!                         
                                                            
57874 RELIGION - CULTS               Kaylin                   



A crazy occultist, L Ron,                                   
Lost his pension for putting them on.                       
He wanted your money,                                       
So he made up a funny                                       
Religion with spaceships and bombs.                         
                                                            
57875 RELIGION - CULTS               Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a lad from Vancouver                         
Who fell prey to some Ron Hubbard spew there.               
But it didn't last long;                                    
The old fat turd was wrong.                                 
So our lad flushed it right down the sewer.                 
                                                            
57876 RELIGION - CULTS               Michael Reuss            



"The hand of the Thetan," said Hubbard,                     
"Will aid you, and further," he blubbered,                  
For a few thousand grand                                    
Plus a smelly goat gland,                                   
We'll be happy to empty your cupboard.                      
                                                            
57877 RELIGION - CULTS               Scott McClare            



There once was a dude name of Hubbard                       
Who found he was bare in the cupboard.                      
Said he, "Fools abound,                                     
With tales I'll astound!"                                   
And he became a rich lazy buzzard.                          
(founder of Scientology)                                    
57878 RELIGION - CULTS               Karl Chase Sr.           



All those who are consumed by sects,                        
Are addled, or at least one suspects,                       
Like shaving their heads                                    
And sharing their beds,                                     
With social exchange that infects.                          
                                                            
57879 RELIGION - CULTS               Chris Papa               



"I think that perhaps we should mention,"                   
Said the once celibate, "Our intention                      
Was to seek the serene,                                     
But remaining pristine.                                     
But abstention's the Devil's invention."                    
                                                            
57880 RELIGION - DEVIL               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9708



Faust said he'd rued how he'd behaved;                      
Sore afraid he had made a bad trade.                        
So he argued his case                                       
At a devilish pace,                                         
As Beelzebub launched a tirade.                             
                                                            
57881 RELIGION - DEVIL               Loren Fitzhugh      P2005



It appears that I badly affect                              
Certain dupes of the Nazarene sect.                         
Deary me, what a shame!                                     
But I don't mind the blame --                               
I am evil -- what did you expect?                           
                                                            
57882 RELIGION - DEVIL               Beelzebub                



Beelzebub, horned and fiery,                                
Among other things was a liar. He                           
Would wish someone well,                                    
Then he'd make his life hell,                               
And write it all down in his diary.                         
                                                            
57883 RELIGION - DEVIL               Ogden Nield              



I am not the Dark Lord, damn you eyes;                      
That's my boss Satan, Father of Lies.                       
(And Darth Vader, mayhap,                                   
If you like Lucascrap);                                     
But I am the Lord of the Flies.                             
(Beelzebub called Dark Lord by Toast Point, rebuts..)       
57884 RELIGION - DEVIL               Beelzebub                



I admit I'm the lowest of scum.                             
It's the bowels of the earth that I'm from.                 
I detest life,                                              
My kids and my wife;                                        
I'm convinced that this world is a slum.                    
                                                            
57885 RELIGION - DEVIL               Beelzebub                



Beelzebub's flaming is haughty,                             
But guess who is good to the naughty?                       
The Fool on the hill,                                       
Who loves old 'Zebub still,                                 
(Though 'Zebub's logic is knotty.)                          
                                                            
57886 RELIGION - DEVIL               Sumaq              TP9804



Pat Maloney who loved a wee drink,                          
"When I'm driving, I don't have to think."                  
He said on the level,                                       
I'm a friend of the devil,                                  
Who'll one day push me over the brink.                      
                                                            
57887 RELIGION - DEVIL               Arthur Pattaffy          



The boss is a bastard named Brian,                          
Sold his soul to the Devil who's trying                     
To collect quite a few,                                     
For his next BBQ                                            
And some serious high-temp deep frying.                     
                                                            
57888 RELIGION - DEVIL               Archie                   



The Devil just loves to play gin,                           
So I had him deal me in.                                    
I bet my life                                               
Which ended in strife,                                      
When the cards we used ate off my skin.                     
                                                            
57889 RELIGION - DEVIL               Ben Swinburn             



The innocent reader is shocked                              
When he reads of Walpurgisnacht.                            
Familiars and witches,                                      
Pussies and bitches,                                        
All danced and screwed and got crocked.                     
                                                            
57890 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Jambor          P9107



With his cloven hooves and pitchfork,                       
I think that he looks like a dork.                          
But that drill he sports,                                   
Is one of the sorts                                         
Of things that make me pop my cork!                         
                                                            
57891 RELIGION - DEVIL                                        



The date from Hell was old Lucifer.                         
We met to dine at his soup-ifer.                            
Served blood from the vessel,                               
Then wanted to wrestle;                                     
He got lost when I held up a crucifer.                      
(see mustard)                                               
57892 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



What Faustian bargain is this,                              
That I might find a moment of bliss.                        
In disguise as a maid,                                      
Old Satan has made                                          
Me say "I do", to pay for one kiss!                         
                                                            
57893 RELIGION - DEVIL               Norm Storer         P0012



Since that awful celestial fray,                            
Mr. Scratch has been bald as a ray.                         
Still, he's never been big                                  
On wearing a wig,                                           
Because there'd be the Devil toupee.                        
                                                            
57894 RELIGION - DEVIL               A N Wilkins         P9808



The Malevolent One, heartless bloke,                        
Sneered, "I love to watch children do 'coke'.               
School shootings, outrageous,                               
I'm glad they're contagious,                                
But I don't think our youngsters should smoke.              
                                                            
57895 RELIGION - DEVIL               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



When the Olde Cloven Hoofed One did stray                   
Through the world to, on Gentlemen prey,                    
Oscar Wilde said, "Alack,                                   
Dorian's soul has turned black,                             
But at least his surname remained Gray."                    
                                                            
57896 RELIGION - DEVIL               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



Satan's a wonderful guy;                                    
He lets me kill cats and get high.                          
I chant spells and drink blood,                             
And make kids suck my pud,                                  
And I'm not even done junior high.                          
                                                            
57897 RELIGION - DEVIL               Michael Rohaly           



Said the Devil, "I think that I blew it.                    
This year so far, as I review it,                           
I've not got any blame                                      
For transgressions. Folks claim                             
'El Nino is what made me do it.'"                           
                                                            
57898 RELIGION - DEVIL               A N Wilkins         P9808



Our dear Primate, old Pastor Joe Youngs,                    
Does enjoy exercising his lungs,                            
Loving to improvise                                         
Now means exorcise,                                         
Any devil who'd not speak in tongues.                       
                                                            
57899 RELIGION - DEVIL               Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



When the hurricane hit farmer Neville                       
His farmhouse and barn it did level.                        
The insurance man's claim                                   
Onto God placed the blame,                                  
So the farmer now worships the Devil.                       
                                                            
57900 RELIGION - DEVIL               Albin Chaplin       P9009



That Faust fellow wanted to revel                           
And bargained his soul on a level                           
Wager.  That boy                                            
Fancied Helen of Troy...                                    
But she said "Go to the Devil."                             
                                                            
57901 RELIGION - DEVIL               Tiddy                    



We're halfway to the code of the beast;                     
We're wicked, depraved, and at least                        
As welcome ass rabies.                                      
So bring on the babies                                      
And Roll-Aids, we're having a feast!                        
                                                            
57902 RELIGION - DEVIL               John Miller 0333         



When the Devil said, "Follow me, son,"                      
I decided to have me some fun;                              
But my dissolute life                                       
Has caused nothing but strife                               
And I wish that I'd never begun.                            
                                                            
57903 RELIGION - DEVIL               Peter J Wilkins     P9808



"Get thee behind me", I said                                
To the Devil while lying in bed,                            
As I tried to resist                                        
You-know-what with my fist,                                 
So he did and he screwed me instead.                        
                                                            
57904 RELIGION - DEVIL               Peter J Wilkins     P9808



The Devil, I think, is a clown;                             
And I met him, today in the town.                           
On a sub-basement floor,                                    
On the lift, at the door,                                   
Where he said, with a grin, "Going down?"                   
                                                            
57905 RELIGION - DEVIL               John Miller              



There once was a Scot who said, "Evil                       
Is a relic of thoughts medieval.                            
And those tales of Old Nick                                 
And his power make me sick.                                 
It's just being good that's the devil.                      
                                                            
57906 RELIGION - DEVIL               H M                      



When a girl gets a feeling she's wet,                       
She likes to know what she will get.                        
Some fellows have rods                                      
That makes them sex gods,                                   
But a devil's much better, you bet.                         
                                                            
57907 RELIGION - DEVIL               H WHELCHEL               



When a girl has been had by a ghoul,                        
No one living can match a ghoul's tool.                     
That strange ectoplasm                                      
Can produce an orgasm                                       
That beats man or monkey or mule.                           
                                                            
57908 RELIGION - DEVIL               H WHELCHEL               



When a girl goes to bed with a demon,                       
She'll think about heaven she's dreamin'.                   
With a horn at each breast,                                 
While the third does the rest,                              
She'll enjoy all that hot steamy semen.                     
                                                            
57909 RELIGION - DEVIL               H WHELCHEL               



A gruesom and sneaky old devil,                             
His crank had a curve and a bevel.                          
In whores 'round the corner,                                
He'd slip his thin horner,                                  
Where other damned souls wouldn't revel.                    
                                                            
57910 RELIGION - DEVIL               H Whelchel               



The Devil can no longer function,                           
And the C.L.U has no compunction.                           
When they sued, they report,                                
The federal court                                           
Promptly gave the requested injunction.                     
                                                            
57911 RELIGION - DEVIL               A N Wilkins         P9808



The Devil, relaxing in hell,                                
His wife suddenly drops a bombshell;                        
"Junior's birthday is Monday,                               
He want ice cream sundae,                                   
Vanilla would taste really swell."                          
                                                            
57912 RELIGION - DEVIL               Joel D Ash               



Satan's face turns a new shade of red.                      
"My dear, you are out of your head;                         
With all of this heat,                                      
The ice cream you eat                                       
Will be more like hot soup instead."                        
                                                            
57913 RELIGION - DEVIL               Joel D Ash               



Mrs. Devil replies, "Honey, please.                         
This problem can be solved with ease.                       
Don't be orthodox;                                          
Let's get an icebox;                                        
For one day in hell we can freeze."                         
                                                            
57914 RELIGION - DEVIL               Joel D Ash               



Satan's face is now a shocked white.                        
"Dear heart, I do not wnat to fight.                        
Your plan is not cool.                                      
I'll look like a fool.                                      
For devils the cold is not right."                          
                                                            
57915 RELIGION - DEVIL               Joel D Ash               



His wife nods her head and just smiles;                     
Even Satan falls for womanly wiles.                         
"It will ruin Junior's day.                                 
I'll know what he'll say,                                   
"Down here we are simply exiles."                           
                                                            
57916 RELIGION - DEVIL               Joel D Ash               



Satan knows what he will have to do.                        
"Well, perhaps for an hour or two.                          
Not too much ice;                                           
A small sacrifice,                                          
We can't have our boy eating goo!"                          
                                                            
57917 RELIGION - DEVIL               Joel D Ash               



Now girls, if you find yourself dreamin'                    
This Satyrday night of a demon                              
With horns and a tail                                       
Just relax; he's all male                                   
And he'll soon have you pantin' and creamin'.               
                                                            
57918 RELIGION - DEVIL                                        



I've been to the shower; I'm clean.                         
With my hair combed I don't look so mean.                   
It's brushed to one side                                    
So the horns it will hide;                                  
And the tail's been tucked in between.                      
                                                            
57919 RELIGION - DEVIL               Frank Fazed              



"Though Republicans hold the majority,"                     
Said the Devil, "I'm hell's sole authority:                 
They can't vote not to burn...                              
I insist it's their turn.                                   
As a Democrat, that's my priority!"                         
                                                            
57920 RELIGION - DEVIL               Prof M-G                 



Reebok, looking for styles that were new,                   
Gave young ladies the INCUBUS shoe.                         
When men asked for the right                                
For nocturnal delight,                                      
Reebok peddled the SUCCUBUS too.                            
                                                            
57921 RELIGION - DEVIL               Phil Cannibal       P9704



"No thanks," said the saint to the Devil.                   
"I won't take your SPAM though I revel                      
In opening the tin,                                         
And resisting the sin                                       
Of enjoying the flesh, pink and evil."                      
                                                            
57922 RELIGION - DEVIL               Mike O'Conner            



Let us all join in the chorus                               
About a young girl named Dolores.                           
She loved only ladies,                                      
And resides now in Hades,                                   
Where she laps on the devil's clitoris.                     
                                                            
57923 RELIGION - DEVIL               Chairman Steve           



A lass who once said in jest,                               
That she was by the devil possessed.                        
And though she's a freak,                                   
And somewhat unique,                                        
She's learned that she's just like the rest.                
                                                            
57924 RELIGION - DEVIL               Edwin J Weinstein        



The Devil said, "Masturbation is fun.                       
You'll feel better when it's all done."                     
But that's why Onan dwells                                  
In the Devil's worst cells,                                 
Along with a wicked old nun.                                
                                                            
57925 RELIGION - DEVIL               Tom Patton          P9808



Does Beelzebub wear a disguise?                             
Does he play with the zippers of guys?                      
The question's legit                                        
Of this devilish twit,                                      
After all, he's the Lord of the flies.                      
                                                            
57926 RELIGION - DEVIL               Intimidator        TP9901



I once met a demon named Wayne,                             
And asked wby his name was so plain.                        
He said, "Lucifer and Beelzebub                             
Are both somebody else's, bub,                              
And spelling them drives me insane!"                        
                                                            
57927 RELIGION - DEVIL               Emmanuel Lamprecht       



There once was a devil named Mell;                          
He met a whore he thought was swell.                        
She hated her pimp;                                         
Mell never went limp.                                       
They married and went straight to hell.                     
                                                            
57928 RELIGION - DEVIL               S C Saint                



Mephisto had so many faults:                                
For instance, invading Faust's vaults;                      
But Faust minded not,                                       
Since lessons he got;                                       
Mephisto taught Faust how to waltz.                         
                                                            
57929 RELIGION - DEVIL               Travis Brasell           



There was a young Greek named Achilles,                     
Who was brought up in Los Angeles.                          
He plays with live coals,                                   
And is buying some souls.                                   
He should have been called Mephistopheles.                  
                                                            
57930 RELIGION - DEVIL               Arthur Pattaffy          



Young woman, please listen my dear;                         
Armageddon is ever so near,                                 
And we're going to win,                                     
So you might as well sin,                                   
And have fun with the devil right here!                     
                                                            
57931 RELIGION - DEVIL               Beelzebub                



The life that you live may one day                          
Bring strife and thus cause you to pray                     
For a new chance to prove                                   
You were ready to move,                                     
From the place where the devil's at play.                   
                                                            
57932 RELIGION - DEVIL               Shaari Clevenger         



I was crucified for my meter;                               
At the gates, rejected by Peter.                            
The Devil was gracious;                                     
His condo, how spacious!                                    
I'm partying with a wife beater.                            
                                                            
57933 RELIGION - DEVIL               King Hilltop             



The Devil's no longer a myth,                               
But has taken the surname of Smith,                         
And become a good sort,                                     
A sahib, a sport,                                           
A chap we're all intimate with.                             
                                                            
57934 RELIGION - DEVIL               Penguin Book Limericks   



Old Nick, you get all my respect;                           
Your mull has the greatest effects,                         
As does your best coke.                                     
The fires it does stoke,                                    
And so do your girls and their sex.                         
                                                            
57935 RELIGION - DEVIL               Archie                   



I presume you've heard one of Old Nick's                    
Stock in trade ploys and bad tricks,                        
Is to mark souls he'd win                                   
With a digit begin-                                         
Ning with PIN number -- six, sixty-six?                     
                                                            
57936 RELIGION - DEVIL               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



When a limerick writer confessed                            
That he with silly rhymes was obsessed,                     
The priest, he was sure                                     
That no praying could cure,                                 
For he was by the devil obsessed.                           
                                                            
57937 RELIGION - DEVIL               Warrick Elrod            



Lord, since it's hard to explain,                           
By reason, the problem of Pain,                             
Assist us to revel                                          
In talk of the Devil,                                       
And spare us the use of the brain.                          
                                                            
57938 RELIGION - DEVIL               John E Press             



Despite the repeated request                                
Of his exorcist, old Mr. West                               
Neglected to pay                                            
A cent till the day                                         
When he was, his wife said, repossessed.                    
                                                            
57939 RELIGION - DEVIL               A N Wilkins         P0211



The Devil is weaving his spell                              
And I love his suggestions too well;                        
But I guess my demise,                                      
If I'm not very wise,                                       
Is a permanent roasting in Hell.                            
                                                            
57940 RELIGION - DEVIL               Peter J Wilkins     P9808



I speak with the Devil; it's true!                          
(In hell, I am first in his queue).                         
I asked for a curse,                                        
But Satan did worse --                                      
He told me he thought to send you.                          
                                                            
57941 RELIGION - DEVIL               H Whelchel               



Satanic black rituals and mass?                             
As a Demon I do it with class.                              
When I get me those urgin's,                                
I line up the virgins                                       
And pick me the juiciest lass.                              
                                                            
57942 RELIGION - DEVIL                                        



On a highway outside of Santa Fe,                           
I felt as though it was my lucky day.                       
When offered a ride,                                        
I climbed up inside                                         
The trucks slogan said "The end of the day"                 
                                                            
57943 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



The driver of this 18 wheel Mack                            
Made the hair stand up on my back                           
Eyes burning like coals                                     
His arms big as poles                                       
Smelled as though he was smoking crack                      
                                                            
57944 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



The weather turned to sleet and rain                        
Yet he drove on like a man insane                           
I said please slow down                                     
He gave me a frown                                          
And drove on like a runaway train                           
                                                            
57945 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



The Pavement ended, the road turned to mud;                 
For a hundred miles we plowed through the crud.             
It was dark as night;                                       
Not a soul in sight;                                        
Then a truck stop called "The Bucket of Blood."             
                                                            
57946 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



He turned to me with an evil grin;                          
He said, "Get out man we're goin' in."                      
Inside the doors                                            
Stood forty whores;                                         
I knew I was in a house of sin!                             
                                                            
57947 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



All the clients there wore the same face;                   
No smiles could be seen in this place.                      
Expressions the same,                                       
Accepting the blame,                                        
Each one pleading for heavenly grace                        
                                                            
57948 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



At a table they were shooting dice;                         
I thought I'd ignore mothers advice.                        
I wanted to play;                                           
They said that I may;                                       
I said just tell me the entry price                         
                                                            
57949 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



Just roll the dice and your in;                             
Be sure to give 'em a spin.                                 
We figure the score                                         
By what's gone before;                                      
Markers are the sum of your sins.                           
                                                            
57950 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



With trembling hand I gave them a roll,                     
While the sweat on my back ran cold.                        
I looked at the lie;                                        
Each cube had one eye;                                      
They said, "You just lost your soul!"                       
                                                            
57951 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



I bolted and ran for the door,                              
Knocking whore's all over the floor,                        
Out into the night                                          
I continued my flight;                                      
I promised I'd sin no more.                                 
                                                            
57952 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



I wished I could undo my sins,                              
My soul cried out from within.                              
Heaven heard my wish;                                       
I looked in the abyss,                                      
A voice said, "Next time you'll go in!"                     
                                                            
57953 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



If you ever decide to stray                                 
While traveling on life's highway                           
If offered a ride                                           
Don't climb up inside                                       
A truck called  "The End of the Day"                        
                                                            
57954 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



The Devil, who plays a deep part,                           
Has tricked his way into your heart,                        
By simple insistence                                        
On his non-existence                                        
Which is really devilish smart.                             
                                                            
57955 RELIGION - DEVIL               Little Billie            



A young man by the name of Nevil                            
Sold his soul to be hung like the devil.                    
Satan didn't fail;                                          
He gave him a tail                                          
And with tight pants he looks quite disheveled.             
                                                            
57956 RELIGION - DEVIL               Puff Adder               



Temptations are put in my way                               
By the Devil who leads me astray.                           
Though I try to be good                                     
As I know that I should,                                    
I succumb to him day after day.                             
                                                            
57957 RELIGION - DEVIL               Peter J Wilkins     P9808



There once was a demon called Satan,                        
Who cooked up the bad people's bacon.                       
He destroyed them all,                                      
And watching them fall,                                     
He knew they were all foresaken.                            
                                                            
57958 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



So, is that really, honestly true?                          
Satan has a tail before and behind too?                     
I bet the before one                                        
Has so much more fun,                                       
Than the behind one that just gets to poo.                  
                                                            
57959 RELIGION - DEVIL                                        



There are some who consider it wrong                        
To succumb to wine, women, and song;                        
But I know thay're too nice                                 
To be thought of as vice,                                   
So the Devil is right all along.                            
                                                            
57960 RELIGION - DEVIL               Peter J Wilkins     P9808



I resist the temptations and pleas                          
Of the Devil, with consumate ease;                          
But disguised in a warm                                     
Sexy feminine form,                                         
I'm afraid that I'm brought to my knees.                    
                                                            
57961 RELIGION - DEVIL               Peter J Wilkins     P9808



Satan wrestled an old country preacher,                     
Whose bad breath was his most sinful feature.               
Satan cried, "You're the deuce!                             
You win! Turn me loose!"                                    
"Praise god," prayed the preacher. "That'll teach yer!"     
                                                            
57962 RELIGION - DEVIL               Jim Weaver Collection    



Put your ear on the floor. Hear, earth tells                
Of great doings, and the air smells                         
Of dope, beer and gun-                                      
Powder. Folks having fun --                                 
AC/DC is ringing Hell's Bells!                              
                                                            
57963 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



They come on TV and they plead:                             
"Send money for things that we need!"                       
They claim there's no fraud,                                
That they're working for God.                               
They beg for our help to succeed.                           
                                                            
57964 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Gifford Wherry           



The Shiites have turned back the pace                       
Of progress. Iranians face                                  
A new inquisition                                           
Which outlaws coition                                       
And puts women back "in their place."                       
                                                            
57965 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     A. N. Wilkins       P9105



Fundamentalists everywhere plan                             
To excape from this world. While one can                    
With prejudices tribal                                      
Would return to the Bible;                                  
Others would go back to Quran.                              
                                                            
57966 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     A. N. Wilkins       P9105



Fundamentalists look with dismay;                           
Their minds only work one way.                              
He believed in God's word,                                  
No matter how absurd.                                       
His own tradition is in decay.                              
                                                            
57967 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Todd S Greene            



Those given to virtue, RIGHTEOUS,                           
Are tarred by a few inciteous                               
And stubborn extremists,                                    
Benighted supremists,                                       
Whose views are truly most frighteous.                      
                                                            
57968 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Daniel Ford              



Sagan's 'billions of years' does profess                    
To be an astronomers guess.                                 
This Hubble, a token,                                       
Shows a great cosmic joke in                                
This fact.  Bible-Bangers are a mess!                       
                                                            
57969 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Baghwan                  



The Coalition of Christians is sure                         
To be a point that is sore                                  
For the people of God                                       
Aren't saints (please nod)                                  
And communion is now blood and gore.                        
                                                            
57970 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



I went to a meeting last night,                             
And though I'd not thought that I might,                    
I've seen revelation,                                       
I'm filled with elation.                                    
Oh brethren, have I seen the light!                         
                                                            
57971 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



On a makeshift stage stood two guys,                        
From the crowd then, each sinner would rise,                
Walk onto the stage,                                        
Confess name and age,                                       
And then with a spray be baptized.                          
                                                            
57972 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



I sat there while this was occurring,                       
Excited my eyes were a-blurring.                            
The sinners that day                                        
Were all girls, strange to say,                             
And in me I felt something stirring.                        
                                                            
57973 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



On the stage those girls did cavort,                        
In their soaking wet t-shirts and shorts.                   
At the end, quite uplifted,                                 
Homeward I drifted,                                         
To Erm and some much needed sport.                          
                                                            
57974 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



Those born-again Christians' refrain                        
Suggests they are not without stain.                        
While they piously bask,                                    
Tell us why, we should ask,                                 
They had to be born once again.                             
                                                            
57975 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Warrick Elrod            



Pat Robertson's Club members said,                          
"Though on Humanist pap you've been fed,                    
We will convert you                                         
To think as we do,                                          
Or we'll break every bone in your head.                     
(PR - TV evangelist who God told he'd be president)         
57976 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



The Doctrine of the Christian Coalition                     
It follows a fine tradition                                 
Of ignorance and hate,                                      
But I've noticed of late,                                   
That no one seems to be bitchin'.                           
                                                            
57977 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Maverick                 



When the Rapture comes, blindingly bright,                  
I am scheduled to go.  I've lived right.                    
Unless somehow, by chance,                                  
I'm regarded askance                                        
And rejected and left at the light.                         
                                                            
57978 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



Give some a Bible to thump.                                 
And they'll cause politicians to jump.                      
Soon our constitution                                       
Will suffer dilution,                                       
Ending up as a meaningless lump.                            
                                                            
57979 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Robert Moore             



Today is six-nine-ninety-nine                               
(Nine-six if you wish to align                              
With more civilized folk;                                   
But just for this joke                                      
The American way is just fine)                              
                                                            
57980 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



But stand this damned date on its head                      
And read with three six's instead                           
Of one six and three nines                                  
And the preacher opines,                                    
"We're doomed! It's the Beast that we dread!"               
                                                            
57981 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



Ah, but six-six-sixty-nine!                                 
Now THERE is a date! But it's mine                          
To recall with some glee                                    
Because that's the day she ...                              
Never mind, here I WILL draw the line!                      
                                                            
57982 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



You say you found Jesus, well great,                        
And the sins of the world's what you hate.                  
Well, go on a be happy,                                     
Save the other, make it snappy,                             
Till you come down to Earth, we will wait.                  
                                                            
57983 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Robert Moore             



"Jesus Christ!" blurted out Pastor Hurst.                   
"By the Evil One I have been cursed."                       
As soon as was able,                                        
He dredged up Brother Bayble,                               
Who had drowned while Hurst had him immersed.               
                                                            
57984 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



Currently, what infuriates, bugs;                           
Pentecostal, iron clergyman Suggs,                          
Is though he's anti-sin,                                    
Old age now puts him in                                     
That group which is dependent on drugs.                     
                                                            
57985 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Loren Fitzhugh      P0308



Remember ex-President Carter?                               
He used to think Baptists were smarter.                     
But now he decries                                          
What they say to their wives,                               
Implying that husbands are smarter.                         
                                                            
57986 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Anon                     



He listens to Rosalyn Carter                                
Who tell him that women are smarter.                        
But both misconstrue                                        
What Baptist wives do;                                      
They really ain't dumber, they're smarter.                  
                                                            
57987 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Anon                     



The Baptists have made it their mission                     
To advocate wifely submission.                              
In Texas, the wives                                         
Said, "Pistols or knives?"                                  
To husbands who want such conditions.                       
                                                            
57988 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Anon                     



The husbands' heads just got bigger,                        
And they went to their preachers quite eager,               
To renounce such condition                                  
Of wifely submission,                                       
To keep them from pulling the trigger.                      
                                                            
57989 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Anon                     



In Texas, the preachers were wise                           
And listened to those desperate guys.                       
They said it's okay                                         
For wives to have say                                       
And husbands obey them with ayes.                           
                                                            
57990 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Anon                     



"Seek the truth!" fundamentalists proclaim,                 
But refuse the facts based on the same.                     
Towards dissent, they are critical,                         
And most hypocritical.                                      
Faith, only, prevents their hell's flame.                   
                                                            
57991 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Todd S Greene            



God is love so they say.                                    
Who am I to say nay.                                        
Fundamentalists take heed;                                  
Forget all your creed.                                      
Forgive others for doing things their way.                  
                                                            
57992 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Andy Sorenson       P9009



Honor and inner peace sought the sinner.                    
He attended a revivalist dinner.                            
But his sinning didn't cease                                
For he found a different piece.                             
And he was first on 'er and in 'er                          
                                                            
57993 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Arnold              P0110



Though Fundamentalism meant --                              
We, word-for-word, the words God sent,                      
This heretic took                                           
A Funk/Wagnalls look                                        
And reached the word spelled FUNDAMENT.                     
                                                            
57994 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Irving Superior     P9009



Tradition we always must follow;                            
In new faiths we must never wallow.                         
For God changes not;                                        
Unbelievers will rot;                                       
And Hell fire they will have to swallow!                    
                                                            
57995 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



So join the old church of celibates,                        
When abstinance all of us grates.                           
A choirboys bottom                                          
Is easily gotten,                                           
And all carnal lusts, it then sates!                        
                                                            
57996 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



Most Fundamentalists say                                    
"The good Lord despises the gay."                           
So to find their own lovers,                                
They hide under the covers,                                 
And do what they would anyway.                              
                                                            
57997 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     John H Tabberrah   P9606 



Late August and it's back to classes.                       
Mass education's good for the masses.                       
But a home schooled tot                                     
Can still learn a lot,                                      
While bypassing all those moral morasses.                   
                                                            
57998 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Lynn Mostafa             



If a churchgoer keeps drinking your brew,                   
Your problem's quite clear (here's a clue:)                 
Inviting one Baptist                                        
Alone on the guest list,                                    
They don't drink at all if there's two.                     
                                                            
57999 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Res Ipsa                 



To keep them away, much I'd try;                            
Success now, but I don't know why.                          
Those plaguey JW's                                          
This week didn't trouble us;                                
They came to our house and passed by.                       
                                                            
58000 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy Ogg                



Might have been, their minds had been dull                  
Or their shrunken brains had to mull                        
Over the circle of stones                                   
On your lawn, or the bones                                  
On your porch, then there was the skull...                  
                                                            
58001 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Ulla                     



In the past, in the rain, snow and hail,                    
I've made them get wet, but I fail.                         
But last confrontation,                                     
I cited discrimination,                                     
Demanding their garbage in Braille.                         
                                                            
58002 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy Ogg                



Hear! Hear!  Did I know of this rule?                       
'Course I didn't, but old Ogg is no fool.                   
'Tis the ultimate way                                       
To "Kiss my butt" say,                                      
And agreed, it's incredibly cool.                           
                                                            
58003 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Ulla                     



I believe that the bible is true,                           
Where the lion shall lay down with the ewe.                 
And it shall come to pass,                                  
That the lion will eat grass,                               
And the blackbird with pigeons will coo.                    
                                                            
58004 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Albin Chaplin   3024-2822



They are stuffed with food, puffed with pride.              
There is nary a vice, they've not tried.                    
Yet their church daily grows,                               
Which undoubtedly shows,                                    
They must have the Lord on their side.                      
                                                            
58005 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     David Finley             



God made all things in six days,                            
That would seem to include also gays.                       
But his people on Earth                                     
Claim that fags have no worth,                              
Yes, God works in mysterious ways.                          
                                                            
58006 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Robert Moore             



There once was a redneck from Gadsden,                      
Who with biblical learning had scads in.                    
He enjoyed exultation                                       
Of the whites in the nation,                                
But ridiculed ever the plaid skin.                          
                                                            
58007 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS                              



Christians want no separation                               
Twixt the church and the state and the nation.              
If they had their way,                                      
They would claim and display                                
The Armed Forces as their congregation.                     
                                                            
58008 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Robert Moore             



Rightists accept no middling,                               
View the thoughtful as just fiddling.                       
Those faiths which abjure                                   
Thinking as impure,                                         
With mankind's future are diddling.                         
                                                            
58009 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Daniel Ford              



"The beasts that roamed Jurassic Park                       
Were either fake," asserts the lark,                        
"Or though there'd be 'No room'--                           
Or else 'pooh-poohed' their doom--                          
'Cause none of them got on The Ark."                        
                                                            
58010 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Irving Superior     P9310



That Jesus guy preached toleration,                         
Which became law in our nation.                             
Some zealous turds                                          
Think that "bad" words,                                     
Are worth giving up liberation.                             
                                                            
58011 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Jim Weaver Collection    



Those moralists make me feel sick;                          
Their asses I'd sure like to kick.                          
Those evangelist frauds                                     
And their frustrated broads,                                
Tell me what I can do with my dick.                         
                                                            
58012 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



My room booked in old Portadown,                            
One Sunday I looked all around;                             
The whole place was dead.                                   
My landlady said:                                           
"This sure is a God-fearing town."                          
                                                            
58013 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy                    



The doors were all locked at the pub.                       
The same at the working man's club.                         
I found a small cafe;                                       
'Twas run by a Taffy,                                       
But that too was shut, so no grub.                          
                                                            
58014 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy                    



I'm back at the hotel for tea;                              
As dreary as dreary can be.                                 
There's silence all round;                                  
No single sweet sound;                                      
Not even a show on TV.                                      
                                                            
58015 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy                    



So there in my digs, full of gloom,                         
Landlady says: "Go to your room.                            
Some light exercise,                                        
God never denies,                                           
I'm sending young Morag up soon.                            
                                                            
58016 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy                    



She came up and I do declare,                               
She's gorgeous, with long auburn hair.                      
Clothes drop to the floor,                                  
And I shout "I want Mor!"                                   
By now from waist up, she is bare.                          
                                                            
58017 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy                    



I whistled in great 'preciation,                            
At the sight of this defoliation.                           
Then suddenly found                                         
She's picked from the ground                                
Her clothing. In great consternation...                     
                                                            
58018 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy                    



...I say: "What are you doing now, hon?  Hey.               
I thought we were having a fun day.                         
"This is Portadown,                                         
And I'd never mess 'round                                   
With a fellow that whistles on Sunday."                     
                                                            
58019 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Tiddy                    



Poor world, full of bold hypocrits,                         
Who dispense such biblical bits,                            
Invoking "good book",                                       
But then overlook                                           
The parts that are not such good fits.                      
                                                            
58020 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Chris Papa               



When Pat Robertson asked, "Don't you see                    
Why from Florida's fires all do flee?"                      
It's because God has hurled                                 
Bolts at foul Disney World.                                 
(And some others too, it seems to me.)                      
                                                            
58021 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



Should the "Rapture" occur on this day,                     
Folks will vanish just every which way;                     
At least so we're told.                                     
I ask those "in the fold",                                  
What if some "chosen ones" opt to stay?                     
                                                            
58022 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Loren Fitzhugh           



A religious fanatic, Marie,                                 
Was obese, weighing three-ninety-three.                     
Then at three-ninety-four                                   
She decided to whore,                                       
And a great roly-holer was she.                             
                                                            
58023 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Arch are the "religious Righteous",                         
Acting as the high and mighteous;                           
Presuming to tell                                           
All others to hell,                                         
In a manner offensive and blighteous.                       
                                                            
58024 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Chris Papa               



In my town revivals are tops;                               
They close up the schools and the shops,                    
For an orgy gone wild,                                      
Where young girls are defiled,                              
And there's a regular raid by the cops.                     
                                                            
58025 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     John Miller 0334b        



Now I have been raised in the sout'                         
And I know what revivals about.                             
In back of the tent                                         
Is where little boys went                                   
To squirt all the little devils out.                        
                                                            
58026 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     H WHELCHEL               



At the church the revival is humming;                       
There's singing and crying and strumming                    
of more than the band --                                    
Like my girlfriends hand --                                 
Sweet Jesus, I'm coming, I'M COMING!                        
                                                            
58027 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     John Miller 0334a        



We're so proud of our Pastor, Lem Lurch.                    
He last week captured under a Birch,                        
THREE - RATTLESNAKES - THREE,                               
Which made Lem scream with glee.                            
"I'm takin' these here ones to church!"                     
                                                            
58028 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Loren C Fitzhugh    P9805



One religious Golden Retriever                              
Was a singular sort of believer.                            
He fetched his own Bible,                                   
Sued detractors for libel,                                  
And mauled all agnostic achievers.                          
                                                            
58029 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Martin Maier             



Fundamentalists frequently vex                              
The Jet Set by passing complex                              
And troublesome laws                                        
Which are all in the cause                                  
Of taking the joy out of sex.                               
                                                            
58030 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     A. N. Wilkins       P9105



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Laid claim to a Christian Rebirth.                          
But his clientele                                           
Informed him, "Like Hell!                                   
If you stop, we have tales to unearth."                     
                                                            
58031 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     John Miller              



Fundamentalists basically yearn                             
For the end of the world, the return                        
Of the Lord, and the bliss                                  
As they view the abyss                                      
Of sniffing damned souls as they burn.                      
                                                            
58032 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     A. N. Wilkins       P9105



Fundamentalists say quite dogmatically                      
And sometimes rather theatrically                           
You must have Christ as your savior,                        
So watch your behavior,                                     
Or else you will wind up hellaciously.                      
                                                            
58033 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Andy Sorenson       P9009



I've noticed that some people use                           
The Bible, whenever they choose                             
To bolster a point                                          
That is out of joint,                                       
With other's less literal views.                            
                                                            
58034 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Chris Papa               



To WOWSERS, a serious sin                                   
Might occur just when you begin                             
To start having fun,                                        
With something you're done.                                 
To them, more's the shame and chagrin.                      
                                                            
58035 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Chris Papa               



Grossly puritanical WOWSER                                  
Makes a religious rabble rouser,                            
Who doesn't know when                                       
To shut up and then                                         
Is surprised to learn he is a grouser.                      
                                                            
58036 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Daniel Ford              



The minister's son, a carouser,                             
Frustrated his father, a WOWSER,                            
Because the young fellow                                    
Went to a bordello,                                         
Though swearing that he was a browser.                      
                                                            
58037 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Observer                 



I heard that he met an explorer,                            
Who walked away ten dollars poorer.                         
A man, it appears,                                          
Caught him quite unawares,                                  
For when he emerged, he was sorer.                          
                                                            
58038 RELIGION - FUNDAMENTALISTS     Frank                    



A quintuple Agnostic named Todd,                            
Once pronounced this philosophy odd:                        
"I don't know if I doubt                                    
If I'll ever find out,                                      
If I'm sure if there might be a God."                       
                                                            
58039 RELIGION - GODS                Mark Rabnett             



There was a young girl of Shanghai                          
Who was so exceedingly shy,                                 
That undressing at night,                                   
She turned out the light,                                   
For fear of the All-Seeing Eye.                             
                                                            
58040 RELIGION - GODS                Bertrand Russell         



The truth about Allah be told,                              
He is toothless, pathetic, and old.                         
Buddha's shit's on his head.                                
Jesus short-sheets his bed,                                 
And he suck Yahweh's schlong like it's gold.                
                                                            
58041 RELIGION - GODS                Tomer Shiran             



Said an old-fashioned god named Anubis,                     
"I know about pubes and boobies.                            
But I've no impression                                      
About the Eustachian,                                       
Or where the Fallopian tube is."                            
(Anubis - Jackal God of Egypt)                              
58042 RELIGION - GODS                                    L1718



In Phoenicia the young bucks were hearty                    
In supporting the cult of Astarte.                          
In her temples were scores                                  
Of sanctified whores                                        
Who each week held an orgasmic party.                       
                                                            
58043 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P9303



Few things to desire can so prod us,                        
As much as a plump Hindu goddess,                           
With eight clinging arms,                                   
And exhuberant charms,                                      
That are not concealed in a bodice.                         
                                                            
58044 RELIGION - GODS                W F N Watson             



In ancient days Man knelt before                            
Whichever god he would adore.                               
But nowadays we sit                                         
By a tube that is lit                                       
And bow before the icebox door.                             
                                                            
58045 RELIGION - GODS                Irving Superior     P9303



A God may well puncture a vein,                             
But blood, it will never contain.                           
The ichor within,                                           
Ethereal-thin                                               
Is not lost, and causes no pain.                            
                                                            
58046 RELIGION - GODS                Larry Davis         P8511



Said the Irish Jehovah, "Bejabers,                          
Go forth, Paddies, love all your neighbors.                 
Send your girls to the Jocks;                               
Let them strip to their socks,                              
And give them some use for their cabers.                    
                                                            
58047 RELIGION - GODS                Tiddy Ogg                



And the Welsh God said: "Taffy, please keep                 
The faith, covet not ye the sheep                           
Of Gwyn and Myfanwy;                                        
Your own flock is handy,                                    
So into your own sheep fold creep."                         
                                                            
58048 RELIGION - GODS                Tiddy Ogg                



The English God murmured "Alas,                             
I told you, don't covet the ass                             
Of Robinson minor,                                          
But no ass is finer;                                        
Go bugger him now in the grass.                             
                                                            
58049 RELIGION - GODS                Tiddy Ogg                



"'Tis better to give than receive,"                         
He counseled young Scotsman Steve.                          
So he gives IOU's                                           
If credit's refused.                                        
He'll nut you, then cash he'll receive.                     
                                                            
58050 RELIGION - GODS                Tiddy Ogg                



To an Eskimo living up north                                
Declared the Almighty, "Come forth!"                        
But according to myth,                                      
The poor fellow came fifth,                                 
And occasioned the Almighty's wrath.                        
                                                            
58051 RELIGION - GODS                Hugh Oliver          114a



The stranger that came to our town                          
Beheld our tall totems and frowned,                         
"And what of the Crab God,                                  
Who guarantees that cod                                     
Abundantly are to be found.                                 
                                                            
58052 RELIGION - GODS                Matthew Montchalin       



And some were slick oak, others bone,                       
But the best of them all were of stone.                     
Fish gods dressed in fleece,                                
Adorned with shark teeth,                                   
Assuring us fish to take home.                              
                                                            
58053 RELIGION - GODS                Matthew Montchalin       



"He gives, to the ones He loves, sleep,"                    
Said the pastor of God to his sheep.                        
But here lieth one                                          
Who'll attest sleep's no fun --                             
The inventor of death is a Creep!                           
                                                            
58054 RELIGION - GODS                Robin K. Willoughby P8702



Could those ancient deities foresee                         
That in the year 1993,                                      
A small magazine                                            
Would in verse quite obscene,                               
Denigrate their divine dignity.                             
                                                            
58055 RELIGION - GODS                Irving Superior     P9303



A goddess of old they called Isis                           
Would often declare, "It is I, sis,                         
And those who want ices                                     
Don't know a thing, Aye, sis,                               
That is why I will spit in their eye, sis."                 
                                                            
58056 RELIGION - GODS                John Dohner         P9603



The final design God presented,                             
For the woman and man he invented;                          
Showed the thing on the male                                
Sticking out like a tail,                                   
While the female's receiver indented.                       
                                                            
58057 RELIGION - GODS                Cap'n Bean          P9902



God brought perfect man to fruition,                        
But viewing the scraps with contrition,                     
He collected the junk                                       
And created the skunk,                                      
The lawyer and the first politician.                        
                                                            
58058 RELIGION - GODS                Douglas Catley      P9706



These deities speak words oracular,                         
But putting it in the vernacular:                           
They speak so obscure,                                      
That it's verbal manure,                                    
That proves what a great load of crap they are.             
                                                            
58059 RELIGION - GODS                                         



Every good school student learns                            
Of Gods seen on old Grecian urns.                           
Is the most famous, Zeus?                                   
No-no...sily goose!                                         
The most famous God is George Burns!                        
                                                            
58060 RELIGION - GODS                John K. Roberts     P9303



There once was a man who said, "God                         
Must find it exceedingly odd,                               
If he finds that this tree                                  
Continues to be,                                            
When there's no one about in the Quad."                     
                                                            
58061 RELIGION - GODS                Ronald Knox              



Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd.                          
I am always about in the Quad,                              
And that's why this tree                                    
Will continue to be,                                        
Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God.                   
                                                            
58062 RELIGION - GODS                Anon                     



If objects depend on our seeing,                            
So that trees, unobserved, would cease tree-ing,            
Then my question is: who                                    
Is the one who sees you,                                    
And assures your persistence of being?                      
                                                            
58063 RELIGION - GODS                Roderick T Long          



Dear Sir, You reason most oddly.                            
To be's to be seen for the bodily.                          
But for spirits like me,                                    
To be is to see.                                            
Sincerely, The One who is godly.                            
                                                            
58064 RELIGION - GODS                RODERICK T LONG          



The Goddesses of old Indonesia                              
All looked like they'd thoroughly tease ya.                 
Twenty hands with long reach;                               
Times five fingers on each,                                 
Equals one hundred ways they could please ya.               
                                                            
58065 RELIGION - GODS                Theo Heller         P9303



Worshipping calves isn't silly                              
And a Golden one's really a dilly.                          
Some pagans liked goats,                                    
Some liked sheep, even shoats.                              
But a Gold Calf will sure Gild Your Lily.                   
                                                            
58066 RELIGION - GODS                Theo Heller         P9302



There was an old lady of Sydney                             
Who was bothered with pains in her kidney.                  
She prayed to the Lord                                      
Tae hae it restored.                                        
He said that He wud, but He didnae.                         
                                                            
58067 RELIGION - GODS                Jim Weaver Collection    



If your house isn't ready to show it                        
To the clergy -- afraid that you'll blow it.                
But if God should get keen                                  
On your house being clean,                                  
He'd inspect it and you'd never know it.                    
                                                            
58068 RELIGION - GODS                Boy Pilot                



As humans, we're almost like gods,                          
But the "almost" makes ominous odds.                        
Given power to destroy, we                                  
Can screw things up royally;                                
A dangerous position for clods.                             
                                                            
58069 RELIGION - GODS                Dr Limerick              



"The God is receipt of our prayer",                         
Said a man by the name of Voltaire,                         
"Would surely be missed;                                    
If he did not exist,                                        
We should have to invent him, so there!"                    
                                                            
58070 RELIGION - GODS                Richard Long             



Since Israelis, though pious, are mod,                      
New technology's getting the nod.                           
Those people in haste                                       
With no time to waste                                       
Can now FAX directly to God.                                
                                                            
58071 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P9304



As the Hindu god Krishna's ambition                         
Was to spend all his time in coition,                       
To exhibit their piety                                      
With perfect propiety,                                      
Sculptors showed him in every position.                     
                                                            
58072 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P9212



Said a gifted young thinker named Bond,                     
Who was asked to explain the Beyond:                        
"Life is cute but absurd,                                   
And from this I've inferred                                 
That the Lord of Creation is blonde."                       
                                                            
58073 RELIGION - GODS                Graham Lester            



Those who say God must be a man,                            
Do not understand the master plan.                          
It's the woman who rules,                                   
Men are just fools;                                         
The way its been since the world began.                     
                                                            
58074 RELIGION - GODS                Carol                    



With wonder I think of all ills;                            
Misfits which the Almighty wills.                           
I'm struck by this notion --                                
With the globe two-thirds ocean,                            
Why isn't man born with some gills?                         
                                                            
58075 RELIGION - GODS                Anton Kovar         P8308



There was a young man with a rod,                           
Who thought he'd been chosen by God,                        
To exercise Hell                                            
From the girls.  He meant well,                             
But the Thunder said: "Exorcise -- Clod!"                   
                                                            
58076 RELIGION - GODS                John Ciardi              



Two brothers who lived in a town,                           
Well-known when trouble went down,                          
Were cause for their parents                                
To get Pastor Clarence,                                     
To change behavior with his frown.                          
                                                            
58077 RELIGION - GODS                Daniel Ford              



Younger Tim went first and was asked                        
"Where is God?" in voice sweetly basked.                    
No response to Pastor                                       
Brought next question faster,                               
"Where's God?"  But the boy was not tasked.                 
                                                            
58078 RELIGION - GODS                Daniel Ford              



Now Clarence, annoyed and knit-browed,                      
Inquired angrily and aloud,                                 
"WHERE IS GOD?!  Tell me son!"                              
Caused Tim right then to run                                
And hide under his bed, quite cowed.                        
                                                            
58079 RELIGION - GODS                Daniel Ford              



Big brother asked why (scared but hid it).                  
Timmy screwed courage to admit it:                          
Oh my!  Brother Hubble,                                     
This time we've Big Trouble.                                
God's missing and they think we did it!"                    
                                                            
58080 RELIGION - GODS                Daniel Ford              



Less prayers, if I had my druthers.                         
"Don't kvetsh." said my wise old mother.                    
As a matter of fact,                                        
The Gods and I have a pact,                                 
We've agreed not to bother each other!                      
                                                            
58081 RELIGION - GODS                John K. Roberts     P9303



Said the Lord to his flock, "Never fear.                    
If you kneel and you pray I'll appear.                      
You will get a remission                                    
For your carnal coition.                                    
I will not turn my back on a queer."                        
                                                            
58082 RELIGION - GODS                Phil Cannibal       P9106



A little old wart, name of Rod,                             
Popped up and declared himself God:                         
"I'm amazing, I'm great,                                    
I'm really first rate!"                                     
Turned out he was only a clod.                              
                                                            
58083 RELIGION - GODS                Marlene Lewis            



Of all God's jokes, none is bluer,                          
Than when he mixed sex and manure.                          
What was on his mind,                                       
When he saddled mankind,                                    
With a playground alongside a sewer.                        
                                                            
58084 RELIGION - GODS                A. Cinna                 



Not too many will know what his name is,                    
But this Anselm was no ignoramus.                           
For, though scholars have mocked it,                        
There's a "proof" he concocted                              
That makes him eternally famous.                            
                                                            
58085 RELIGION - GODS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There is a creator named God,                               
Whose doings are sometimes quite odd.                       
He made Kerrymen cute,                                      
And Tipperarymen mute,                                      
Which when all's said and done is just cod!                 
                                                            
58086 RELIGION - GODS                Linda Marsh Coll         



Mother Mary was a cute dame,                                
But the Trinity sullied her name.                           
It was God, Jesus and Ghost                                 
That 'gang-banged' her the most,                            
To her humiliation, mortification, and shame!               
                                                            
58087 RELIGION - GODS                                         



A sweetie once took me with haste.                          
Then, raising her head to my waist,                         
Her lips smacked with glee,                                 
"If God were a She,                                         
Your semen like chocolate would taste."                     
                                                            
58088 RELIGION - GODS                                         



Now we break for an update: In Heaven,                      
Today, God announced, "Soon shall Our seven                 
Famous plagues come to pass;                                
Man -- your ass is grass!"                                  
Further details tonight at eleven.                          
                                                            
58089 RELIGION - GODS                Robin K. Willoughby P8608



The god Siva embodies the plan                              
For this nation's ideal baseball fan.                       
How simple a chore                                          
For him to keep score,                                      
While he holds a cigar and beer can.                        
                                                            
58090 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P9212



With the god Siva's amorous glance                          
And his six arms and hands too, what chance                 
Would a girl on a date,                                     
Although ever so straight,                                  
Have to keep the guy out of her pants?                      
                                                            
58091 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P9212



"After all of this time it is clear                         
That the faculty," said Dean Lanier,                        
"Report only to God,                                        
And what makes it odd,                                      
Is that some profs are atheists here."                      
                                                            
58092 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P8311



The sun-god of Egypt, Amon,                                 
Got very few chances for fun.                               
When he got to a crisis,                                    
He'd bonk little Isis,                                      
Which caused the Nile waters to run.                        
                                                            
58093 RELIGION - GODS                Jemstone            P0103



The Aztec God known as Choc_Muul                            
Told the High Priest he had but one rule:                   
If a peon should fart,                                      
You must tear out his heart.                                
(And in Mexico farts are real cool).                        
                                                            
58094 RELIGION - GODS                Theo Heller         P9303



God surveyed the third rock from the Sun,                   
And thought, "Me! Look what I've done!                      
I'll make Hell and damnation                                
My next innovation!                                         
(But Lucifer will have all the fun!)                        
                                                            
58095 RELIGION - GODS                William N Nesbit    P9902



"For years," claimed St. Peter Chanel,                      
"The Trinity held up quite well,                            
But finally so bored                                        
With John Knox and his horde,                               
The Godhead took refuge in Hell."                           
                                                            
58096 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P8706



As I slide down through life's long morass,                 
I thank God for the good times that pass,                   
And hope in the end                                         
Tweezers he'll extend,                                      
To pick the splinters from my ass.                          
                                                            
58097 RELIGION - GODS                                         



The idols bowed down to by Incas                            
Were not the most positive thinkers.                        
Virgins, A-Raters                                           
To feed alligators?                                         
The unthinking Incas were stinkers.                         
                                                            
58098 RELIGION - GODS                Theo Heller         P9303



A graduate at M.I.T.                                        
Is guilty of impiety --                                     
Making mystical sign,                                       
Changing water to wine,                                     
And saying he's God al-MIT.                                 
                                                            
58099 RELIGION - GODS                Hugh Oliver         A129C



When accusing the Lord, I have fears,                       
'Twill be met by people, with jeers,                        
However, THIS is a time,                                    
And the most blatant of crime,                              
He's put nothing at all 'tween your ears.                   
                                                            
58100 RELIGION - GODS                                         



His priests claim that old Zoroaster                        
Had done what a god could to master                         
His anger that Nietzche                                     
Had used for a feature                                      
Of that book which he thought a disaster.                   
                                                            
58101 RELIGION - GODS                A. N. Wilkins       P9303



One Sunday, big G said with mirth,                          
I think I will make me an Earth,                            
From gravel and rocks,                                      
And, bless my old socks,                                    
I'll cover much over with turf.                             
                                                            
58102 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



For five and a half days he sweated,                        
Making mountains and lakes, and swamps fetid.               
And birds, beasts, and fowl,                                
Then he wiped with a towel,                                 
His face.  Just one more thing, he fretted.                 
                                                            
58103 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



It's now Friday, late afternoon,                            
And Mrs G wants him home soon,                              
So his final creations                                      
With acceleration's                                         
Complete, with no time to fine-tune.                        
                                                            
58104 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



He thus broke the rule that is golden,                      
As Rusty or I could have told 'im,                          
Quality control                                             
On each part and the whole's                                
Essential when gizmos you're mouldin'.                      
                                                            
58105 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



The next bit I've told you elsewhere,                       
You're welcome to look if you dare,                         
About Adam and Eve,                                         
And his snake she percieves,                                
In two versions too, I declare.                             
                                                            
58106 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



They self-replicated, 'til hordes                           
Were whoring around with the broads,                        
Which wasn't too bad,                                       
But then they went mad,                                     
And turned all their ploughs into swords.                   
                                                            
58107 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



So when God looks out on the morra,  (morrow,)              
He cries, (being Irish,) "Begorrah!                         
Christ, what have I done,                                   
Amok they all run,                                          
Sod'em, I'll go nuke Gomorra."                              
                                                            
58108 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



He did so, he's really a killer,                            
And turned poor Lot's wife to a pillar.                     
(Take that, I was taught,                                   
With a large pinch of salt,)                                
He's mad as that bastard Attila.                            
                                                            
58109 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



Says Gabriel, his mate, "See the signs,                     
They need a complete redesign."                             
Says G: "Fuck that, angel,                                  
One more little change'll                                   
Fix it.  I'll drown them in brine."                         
                                                            
58110 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



So now we have try number 3,                                
For the so-called infallible G;                             
One family he'll save                                       
From a watery grave,                                        
And give them a cruise on the sea.                          
                                                            
58111 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



But first Noah, and his wife Barbie,                        
Must go on a massive safari,                                
To round up a pair                                          
Of each animal there,                                       
From bumble bee to the Okapi.                               
                                                            
58112 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



The rain falls in torrents gigantic,                        
They float off, cross the Atlantic,                         
But mucking out cages                                       
Takes everyone ages,                                        
And the stench of the shit drives them frantic.             
                                                            
58113 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



It's piled on that deck called the poop,                    
Of Noah's old gopher-wood sloop.                            
He calls to his crew,                                       
"I know what we'll do,                                      
We'll shovel it overboard, troop."                          
                                                            
58114 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



It made there a 'normous great mound,                       
The stink would a dung fly astound....                      
Then many years later,                                      
A great navigator,                                          
Columbus, that shit-hole then found.                        
                                                            
58115 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



My story there folks, is thus ended.                        
Please say if you've not been offended.                     
For your race or creed,                                     
In some further screed,                                     
Omissions will soon be amended.                             
                                                            
58116 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



Jehovah grew madder and madder,                             
The snake became sadder and sadder.                         
"DON'T YOU KNOW, SNAKE, THAT I                              
WISH THAT YOU'D MULTIPLY?"                                  
"I can't, Sir, for I am an adder."                          
                                                            
58117 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      John Dohner         P8807



Said Adam to God, "Hey there, boss!                         
I'm finding myself at a loss.                               
When Eve's menstruating,                                    
There's no fornicating."                                    
Said God, "Go mount yonder hoss."                           
                                                            
58118 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



"I know that your brain cells are few,                      
But Adam, I gave unto you,                                  
Over all beasts dominion.                                   
So go lad, and pinion                                       
A doe, heifer, nanny or ewe."                               
                                                            
58119 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



Now Adam, mistakes you will make                            
Regarding the use of your snake.                            
But if it won't hiss,                                       
Just go take a piss,                                        
And don't use your tongue, for Christ's sake.               
                                                            
58120 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      SFA                      



Said the Lord, "I do not often get                          
Down to Earth, because once on a bet                        
I had an affair                                             
With a Jewish girl there,                                   
And they're talking about it all yet."                      
                                                            
58121 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      A N Wilkins         P0211



As he walked on the cliff top, he tripped,                  
And over the cliff edge he slipped,                         
And downward did go                                         
To the rocks far below,                                     
Had he not, on his way, a bush gripped.                     
                                                            
58122 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



He whimpered, "Oh Hell!  It's not fair."                    
Then yelled "Help!  Is any one there?"                      
He listened -- no sound,                                    
But the wind whistled 'round,                               
For travelers in these parts were rare.                     
                                                            
58123 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



Again he yelled "Anyone there?"                             
For the bush, from his hand, soon would tear.               
Then a voice from a cloud,                                  
In a voice deep and loud,                                   
Intoned "God, that's me, 's everywhere."                    
                                                            
58124 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



God said, "Soon, my son, you'll be free                     
Of life's cares, so let go that tree.                       
There's joy ever after,                                     
With gladness and laughter,                                 
Up here in the heavens, with me."                           
                                                            
58125 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



He gazed down the precipice sheer,                          
And soft from his eye rolled a tear.                        
With one final yelp,                                        
He cried out "Oh Help!                                      
Is anyone else standing near?"                              
                                                            
58126 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a pastor from Ojai,                          
Who claimed that he never did know why                      
The Lord (as a lark?)                                       
Left a place in the ark                                     
For the cockroach, mosquito and blowfly.                    
                                                            
58127 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      WVVA66A@prodigy.com P9804



To which the good brother from Oak View                     
Replied with a word to the folk who                         
Much preach on the texts                                    
That condemn all insects...                                 
"The Lord, loving bugs, made beaucoup."                     
(A. Deex - last line for contest)                           
58128 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      WVVA66A@prodigy.com P9804



"I am, my dear Lord, a believer!                            
For dishing out Adam a cleaver,                             
All praise!  But you score                                  
Allelujahs galore                                           
For supplying sweet Eve with a beaver!"                     
                                                            
58129 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



If it's quiet, God's taking a nap.                          
If it's rainy, He's an angry chap.                          
Bird poop is an angel's orgasmic sensation,                 
And when we get hail, that's an angel's castration,         
And if asteroid hits the earth, God is taking a crap!       
                                                            
58130 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the being that we know as Yahweh,                      
"I've great but not infinite po-weh.                        
But I speak not in jest;                                    
This world's only a test,                                   
And the final's in less than an hou-weh.                    
                                                            
58131 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      P Chernoff               



God's first tries were hardly ideal!                        
Complex worlds, they have no appeal.                        
So in the present edition,                                  
He made things Hermitian,                                   
And this world, it seems, is quite real.                    
                                                            
58132 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      David Morin              



In the mud a young fellow at play,                          
Molded Adam and Eve one fine day,                           
Then with nothing to do                                     
He created the screw                                        
Just by fucking around with some clay.                      
                                                            
58133 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Al Chaplin          P0302



There was an Old Man of the Void                            
Who said, "I grow bored and annoyed;                        
I'll create Me a planet,                                    
Then I shall man it--                                       
I am tired of speaking unhoid."                             
                                                            
58134 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Don Benson          P9204



As I slept, came a message from God:                        
"Go forth now and wield thy great rod;                      
Defile every virgin,                                        
(Like I needed urgin'!)                                     
"The Beast then can't find such a bod!"                     
                                                            
58135 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      John Miller              



Nietzsche one said, "God is dead!"                          
God said, "You little fat head!                             
We'll see about that,                                       
You ubermensch brat!"                                       
Now Fred's in a box lined with lead.                        
                                                            
58136 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Professor                



There is a creator named God                                
Whose doings are sometines quite odd.                       
He made a painter named Val,                                
And I say, and I shall,                                     
That he does no great credit to God.                        
                                                            
58137 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      James M. Whistler        



God always comes out the winner,                            
Doing things that would make me a sinner.                   
He got Mary, they say,                                      
In a big family way,                                        
Without even flowers or dinner.                             
                                                            
58138 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Steve Holst              



The Faithful look forward with verve                        
To the Judgment, and hope to observe                        
The reprobate blench                                        
Before the stern bench,                                     
And get what they really deserve.                           
                                                            
58139 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      A N Wilkins         P9811



For the rest of us, it takes some nerve                     
To consider what we may deserve.                            
So when put to the test,                                    
We will hope for the best,                                  
Because God surely grades on the curve.                     
                                                            
58140 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      A N Wilkins         P9811



"The Lord with His marvelous plan                           
Made the world in six days," observed Stan,                 
"Because under our sun                                      
Such things could be done                                   
Before labor unions began."                                 
                                                            
58141 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      A. N. Wilkins       P8608



Jehovah, no voluptuary,                                     
Was not given to fleshy vagary,                             
But having no wife,                                         
At least once in his life,                                  
He clearly enjoyed making merry. (Mary?)                    
                                                            
58142 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      A. N. Wilkins       P8511



Can't find the Lord's weight, so I pray                     
And I study the Bible each day.                             
For I know the Lord giveth                                  
To each human that liveth,                                  
Then he goeth and taketh a weigh.                           
                                                            
58143 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Phil Cannibal       P9406



The Lord spake to Moses one day                             
Through a bush that was burning, they say.                  
When I claimed the Lord's word                              
In a beer can I heard,                                      
To the nut house I went straight away.                      
                                                            
58144 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Albin Chaplin       P9102



I wonder what made God decide                               
Girl's pee holes are something to hide.                     
It's not easy to sit                                        
And massage your clit,                                      
While a man's thing is hanging outside.                     
                                                            
58145 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Bob birch                



While pulling his plonker one night,                        
Brother Francis was blinded by light;                       
"Is that you, my dear God?"                                 
He said, swhooting his wad.                                 
"Yes it is, and you've hit me, you shite!"                  
                                                            
58146 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Peter Wilkins            



Thus spake I AM THAT I AM:                                  
For the Virgin I don't give a damn.                         
What pleases me most                                        
Is to bugger the Ghost,                                     
And then be sucked off by the Lamb.                         
                                                            
58147 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Norman Douglas      L0265



Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY:                                 
"Por La Virgen un carajo no doy.                            
Lo que debe gustar                                          
Es Jesus caporar--                                          
Y para hacerlo Yo voy."                                     
                                                            
58148 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                          L0266



I AM that big Dude named I AM,                              
And live in a church in Siam.                               
They claim I am dead                                        
But that was first said                                     
By Arabic Omah Khayyam.                                     
                                                            
58149 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a dude named I AM                            
Who forbade eating lobster and ham.                         
He said queers should get stoned,                           
Both the boner and boned,                                   
And slice off your foreskin or be damned.                   
                                                            
58150 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



I am the Lord God - Who am.                                 
Adore not the idol nor sham.                                
Keep holy my day;                                           
Respect parents pay.                                        
The thief and the robber I damn.                            
                                                            
58151 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Arthur Deex         P9207



Take care lest thy brother thou slay;                       
Adulterize not, night or day.                               
Thy word be of trust;                                       
Nor of the flesh lust.                                      
The coveters surely shall pay.                              
                                                            
58152 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Arthur Deex         P8207



There was an Old Man with a beard,                          
Who said, "I demand to be feared.                           
Address me as God,                                          
And love me, you sod!"                                      
And man did just that, which is weird.                      
                                                            
58153 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Roger Woddis             



There once was a young man named Ian,                       
Who question the reason for bein'.                          
He went and asked God,                                      
And God said, "That's odd.                                  
Do you still think your dick is for peein'?                 
That's something I'd not been foreseein'!"                  
58154 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Michelle                 



Your bod, was meant for a-heein' and shein'."               
Does that bell sound a knell or a paean?"                   
But life is for hawin' and heein'!"                         
You clod!  While you ask, on my shoe you are peein'!"       
                                                            
                                                            
58155 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Several                  



When you think of it, God is no dope.                       
He made things to just help us cope.                        
Among his biggest hits                                      
Are girls with big tits;                                    
And best of all, he gave us Hope.                           
                                                            
58156 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tom Patton          P0310



Now get thee behind me please, Satan,                       
All week this dumb rock I'm creating.                       
I've had enough Godding;                                    
Come give me a rodding,                                     
And not just your usual fellating.                          
                                                            
58157 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein';                        
He went and asked God                                       
And God said "That's odd,                                   
I thought bein' meant bein' obsce-en!"                      
                                                            
58158 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein'                         
He went and asked God                                       
And God said "Don't prod--                                  
A reason I'm not guaranteein'!"                             
                                                            
58159 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein'                         
He went and asked God                                       
And God said " By Scrod!                                    
When you're whizzing 'round France, European*!              
                                                            
58160 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein'                         
He went and asked God                                       
And God said "That's odd--                                  
Does that bell sound a knell or a paean?"                   
                                                            
58161 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein'                         
He went and asked God                                       
And God said "That's odd                                    
You would know if you weren't such a peon!"                 
                                                            
58162 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein'                         
He went and asked God                                       
And God said "It's odd-                                     
But Life is a pane you can't see in!"                       
                                                            
58163 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein'                         
He went and asked God                                       
And God said "That's odd,                                   
'NOEL,' when spelled backwards, is 'LEON.'                  
                                                            
58164 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There once was a young man called Ian                       
Who questioned the reason for bein'                         
He went and asked God                                       
And God said "That's odd,                                   
That's somethin' I'd not been foreseein'!"                  
                                                            
58165 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



Just suppose that God was a Jew;                            
At the Pearly Gates, what would you do?                     
If not one of them,                                         
Perhaps a Muslim?                                           
Saying "Oops!" just would not help you.                     
                                                            
58166 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tony Burrell             



Supposing things can't make them true,                      
But now what you said gives a clue,                         
That God could be Jewish.                                   
You might get what you wish,                                
For Jesus, his son, was a Jew.                              
                                                            
58167 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Liam na Beag             



I say with an atheist's pride,                              
I've read literature on the side;                           
That Jesus was a Jew                                        
Is something I knew,                                        
But only on his mother's side.                              
                                                            
58168 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tony Burrell             



Well now, I need to tell you,                               
That God indeed is a Jew.                                   
I must say with tact,                                       
As a mater of fact,                                         
God's Christian and Islamic, too.                           
                                                            
58169 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Liam na Beag             



Thanks for the info your're remitting;                      
I know the view that you're submitting.                     
I really must say                                           
It does not look that way,                                  
From where this atheist is sitting.                         
                                                            
58170 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tony Burrell             



So, Allah's a Christian, by God;                            
He even gives Wiccans a nod;                                
Enjoying debatin'                                           
His old buddy Satan,                                        
While trying to keep him declawed.                          
                                                            
58171 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      John Miller              



Men wage, in his name, holy war,                            
Causing agony, terror and gore.                             
Helping others get "saved"                                  
While comitting depraved                                    
Atrocities just like before.                                
                                                            
58172 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      John Miller              



It's easier now from the sky                                
"Assisting" those others to die,                            
Avoiding the thrill                                         
Of making a kill                                            
While looking the lad in the eye.                           
                                                            
58173 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      John Miller              



A rather extreme vegetarian                                 
Looked down from his summit Bavarian.                       
He said, "It's not odd                                      
I'm superior to God,                                        
For the latter is not even Aryan."                          
                                                            
58174 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Sagittarius              



God tortured Job on a bet,                                  
Just to find out how bad it could get.                      
And his wierd sense of humor                                
Gave fuel to the rumor,                                     
That He hasn't learned anything yet.                        
                                                            
58175 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Steve Holst              



With Original Sin, the old Fox                              
Put the Wheels of Justice on blocks.                        
Because according to the Bible,                             
The Manufacturer's not liable                               
For defects right out of the box.                           
                                                            
58176 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      steve Holst              



There once was a fellow called God                          
Whom everyone thought rather odd,                           
Apart from a lady                                           
Called Eileen O'Grady,                                      
Who worshipped the ground that he trod.                     
                                                            
58177 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Michael Palin            



The brightest star in the night sky,                        
Provided guide for the magi.                                
Two millinnium later,                                       
A sign from the Creator;                                    
What does a partial eclipse imply?                          
                                                            
58178 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Election 2000            



Was our engineer wise and all knowing?                      
Was creative juice actually flowing?                        
I'm not sure it was cool                                    
To give Man just one tool                                   
To use for both coming and going.                           
                                                            
58179 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Ann Gasser          P8904



And I think there was some mental slump                     
In planning our crotch and our rump;                        
Why did powers-that-be                                      
Arbitrarily                                                 
Build the playground so close to the dump.                  
                                                            
58180 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Ann Gasser          P8904



And before our physique critique passes;                    
Our designers weren't totally asses:                        
Just see -- it appears                                      
They lined up nose and ears                                 
As a great way for hanging one's glasses.                   
                                                            
58181 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Ann Gasser          P8904



We're not perfect as one might supppose,                    
Our blueprints show both highs and lows;                    
But let's not be whiners,                                   
I laud our designers,                                       
Our exhaust pipe is far from our nose.                      
                                                            
58182 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Ann Gasser          P8904



Though created by God from the sod,                         
Some homophobes think we are odd.                           
If that is the case,                                        
It is a disgrace;                                           
It reflects rather badly on God.                            
                                                            
58183 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A retiring old Spinster named Grace                         
Said, "Sex is the bane of the race.                         
In my estimation                                            
For Man's procreation,                                      
God selected too personal a place!"                         
                                                            
58184 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Grand Prix Lim  516      



At dawn as he knelt by his bed,                             
Said the abbot, "I thank you for bread.                     
Please forgive me my tres-                                  
Passes Lord, and please bless                               
Sister Mary for giving me head."                            
                                                            
58185 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



Thundered God, "Sister Mary is mine!                        
She is not and has never been thine!                        
For she sucks hard and long                                 
On my heavenly dong,                                        
And for proof see the Milky Way shine."                     
                                                            
58186 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



I trust you will not come unglued,                          
As you slaughter your child for my food;                    
I'm the Lord God, you see,                                  
So your murders for me,                                     
Are with transcendent virtue imbued.                        
                                                            
58187 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Jehovah                  



Said God, who was feeling quite bored,                      
"It's nice to be simply adored,                             
But I find it quite weird,                                  
That by some I am feared,                                   
And by others, completely ignored."                         
                                                            
58188 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Richard Long             



Every Father's Day served as a prod                         
To Joseph, who still thought it odd                         
And wondered in truth                                       
Whether he in his youth                                     
Had been made a cockhold by God.                            
                                                            
58189 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      A. N. Wilkins       P8612



The Lord said - "Ted is so necromanic,                      
To probe the dead under her tunic".                         
When Amanda reached Heaven,                                 
God took her to His Haven,                                  
And humped with desire very manic.                          
                                                            
58190 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                               



There was a young girl of Cape Cod                          
Who thought all babies came from God.                       
But it wasn't Jehovah             (It wasn't the Almighty)  
Who turned the girl over,         (Who lifted her nightie)  
'Twas Roger the dodger, the dirty old codger,               
The bugger, the bastard, the sod!                           
58191 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                          L0278



Falling bombs, screaming and hell-bent                      
Might rouse God to finally relent...                        
But silent the spaces;                                      
Shell-shocked the scarred faces;                            
Nor has God let any Man repent...                           
                                                            
58192 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tutta Gioia              



Cain lives these thousands of years;                        
Years washed with blood and salt tears.                     
Yet now we can kill                                         
With multitudinous skill,                                   
Using massive bombardment, not spears.                      
                                                            
58193 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tutta Gioia              



Wherefore blind to his ancient stupidity?                   
Shall we say, "God is dead!" has validity?                  
Does that Beast, "Fighting soul"                            
Define Man in whole,                                        
As it ravens its own sour avidity?                          
                                                            
58194 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tutta Gioia              



There was a young girl from Gibraltar,                      
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.                    
It really seems odd,                                        
That a virtuous God,                                        
Should answer her prayers and assault her.                  
                                                            
58195 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH                          L0299



I see God as an much older guy,                             
Who is quite a bit older than I.                            
When you get to his place,                                  
He looks in your face,                                      
And waves you ahead with a sigh.                            
                                                            
58196 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Tony Burrell             



At the first we're told only that God                       
Created all things. It is odd                               
That there isn't a clue                                     
(And I sure wish I knew)                                    
What he stood on before he made sod!                        
                                                            
58197 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      Rob L Staples       P0209



Limericks are made by fools like I,                         
But only God can make the sky.                              
He also made man,                                           
To show that he can,                                        
And women that you can't buy.                               
                                                            
58198 RELIGION - GODS - JEHOVAH      L. Falk                  



Though the Gospels do tell us a lot,                        
About Christ, there is much they forgot;                    
Did some lovely miss                                        
Ever give him a kiss?                                       
Or was Judas the best that he got.                          
                                                            
58199 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



What did Jesus do while he was growing?                     
(I'll skip some parts without even slowing)                 
Did He get some ass                                         
From some willing young lass,                               
Or go to the cross, never knowing?                          
                                                            
58200 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



This subject has some people pissed;                        
Just one thought before it's dismissed:                     
Besides walking on water                                    
Had he son or daughter?                                     
(His mid-life is shrouded in mist.)                         
                                                            
58201 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



As a hybrid, was Jesus Christ sterile?                      
As a man, was he robust and virile?                         
Did his Dad's DNA                                           
Ever come into play,                                        
For a third generation referral?                            
                                                            
58202 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



And if so, may you (even me!)                               
Might belong on God's own family tree.                      
Perhaps you devout                                          
Can figure this out,                                        
I admit it's a bit much for me.                             
                                                            
58203 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



It's a fact that our mother's grandmothers                  
At some point relate to all others.                         
Despite all our quibblings,                                 
We're really all siblings.                                  
Merry Christmas, dear Sisters and Brothers.                 
                                                            
58204 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



From arrest to his final demise                             
Took less time than sunrise to sunrise.                     
Jesus Christ cut no deals,                                  
Ran through several appeals,                                
Though the outcome was not a surprise.                      
                                                            
58205 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller 0296         



Last year I chose Jesus himself                             
To poke fun at, but one little elf                          
Told me how it offended,                                    
So my ways I mended,                                        
And put that idea on the shelf.                             
                                                            
58206 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



Now Jesus has more fans than Bill                           
Even up there on Capitol Hilll;                             
But we should have learned                                  
From one lim they spurned,                                  
His mom could sure clean up a spill.                        
                                                            
58207 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



There once was a baby named Jesus,                          
Who said to his Ma, "If it pleases,                         
Just stop your dawdling,                                    
And hoist up my swaddling                                   
Clothes ere my little ass freezes.                          
                                                            
58208 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Martin Wellborn     P8712



A sordid old Harlot name Weiss,                             
A bearded old man did entice.                               
Between panting and wheezes,                                
He said he was Jesus,                                       
So she let the old bastard come twice.                      
                                                            
58209 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Albin Chaplin   3024-1692



On a Vatican tour, while aback,                             
I sought for a rare artifact:                               
The body of Christ                                          
Or something else nice.                                     
The shops offered nothing but jack.                         
                                                            
58210 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



The ground is all covered in snow;                          
A cold wind is starting to blow.                            
Warm with a loved one,                                      
We remember one                                             
Born Christmas night as cattle did low.                     
                                                            
58211 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Azul                     



A rotten and bloody old cerement                            
Has cells upon which I'll experiment.                       
From tissue that's grown,                                   
Lord Jesus I'll clone,                                      
And he'll recount the New New Testament.                    
(cerement - waxed winding sheet for bodies)                 
58212 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        H WHELCHEL               



"To go down to Earth is real nice,"                         
Said Peter, "To get us some vice.                           
They've got some real cuties,                               
Who're keen on their duties,                                
But boss, how's it you can come twice?"                     
                                                            
58213 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy                    



"Now Pete, though we go well disguised,                     
Identity's often apprised.                                  
They see my limp rod,                                       
And whisper "Oh God!"                                       
And when it's erect: 'Jesus Christ!'"                       
                                                            
58214 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy                    



Jesus returns!  That is nice!                               
And it's also quite a suprise.                              
From what I have found,                                     
Though they pant like a hound,                              
There's not many men who come twice.                        
                                                            
58215 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Anon                     



"Jesus Christ!" groused one shepherd you know,              
I've got this cowshit on my toe!"                           
Whereupon, Mary smiled                                      
And said to the child,                                      
"I like that name better than Joe."                         
                                                            
58216 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        A. N. Wilkins       P9201



Every insult I've heard surely fails                        
Topping that in some Easter details:                        
Can you possible beat,                                      
"Please cross your feet,                                    
It's too bad but there's only three nails."                 
                                                            
58217 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller 0292         



A dumb guy at the the altar named Xavier,                   
Exhibited the strangest behavior.                           
In front of the crowd,                                      
He shouted out loud,                                        
"Does a cross-dresser put clothes on our savior?"           
                                                            
58218 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Thomas M Patton     P9805



When Joseph, at work in his stall,                          
One day let a two-by-four fall                              
On his instep, his son                                      
Came out on the run,                                        
And inquired of him, "Did you call?"                        
                                                            
58219 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Stan Armstrong           



It's debated just what caused the stir,                     
And a major religion did spur,                              
In that long ago manger,                                    
But what could have been stranger                           
Than those calling birds, Frank, Incense, Myrrh?            
                                                            
58220 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Loren Fitzhugh      P9912



Up in Heaven, George H. and J.C.                            
Meet at least once a week for high tea.                     
In December the din                                         
Of "Messiahs" wears thin,                                   
So they watch game shows on TV.                             
(George H. - George Harrison??)                             
58221 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



It's Jesus's birthday today;                                
He's 2001, so they say.                                     
Did he get an extension                                     
On his old age pension,                                     
Or does his old dad have to pay?                            
                                                            
58222 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tony Burrell             



A pious old couple named Hand                               
Put a statue of Jesus on their land.                        
But the heirs to the home,                                  
Substituted a gnome,                                        
Then they jacked up the price by ten grand.                 
                                                            
58223 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Graham Lester            



Said the Saviour to Samuel, "Note                           
There is blood of some sort on my coat.                     
To the gullible, Sam,                                       
'Tis the blood of a lamb;                                   
But in truth I was fucking a goat."                         
                                                            
58224 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Albin Chaplin   3024-1168



In a whisper Christ spoke, nearly dead;                     
Not to miss any word that he said,                          
The disciple drew near:                                     
"John... from up here...                                    
I can make out the roof of your shed."                      
                                                            
58225 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller 0297         



"You should recognize it," John said.                       
"You've spent many a night in the bed                       
Of my father's wife,                                        
Who preached 'right-to-life';                               
Now I've got three siblings, BONEHEAD."                     
                                                            
58226 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



Young Mary had had someone's rod,                           
So claimed she'd a baby from God;                           
It weren't the Almighty                                     
That got 'neath her nightie,                                
But Joe didn't know it, the clod.                           
                                                            
58227 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



At calvary someone, just maybe                              
Named Augustus or Caesar or Abie                            
(There seems little doubt,                                  
And insensitive lout!)                                      
Shouted out, "Hey, hang in there, baby!"                    
                                                            
58228 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller 0293         



"Two profs," said a prexy named King,                       
Stood at Calvary.  One said that spring,                    
'A great teacher has died.'                                 
'Yes,' the other replied,                                   
'But he just didn't publish a thing!"                       
                                                            
58229 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        A. N. Wilkins       P8311



Christ's coming, and boy, is he pissed!                     
After one final trump, class dismissed!                     
We will not avoid                                           
Earth being destroyed,                                      
But I'll bet it won't even be missed.                       
                                                            
58230 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



And now here's a word from our Savior                       
Who's gravely concerned with behavior.                      
Just keep fooling around                                    
And his wrath will astound --                               
He'll take back all the goodies he gave ya.                 
                                                            
58231 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Neal Wilgus         P8606



Young Jesus lived like me and like you;                     
He fancied the dolly birds, too.                            
But when things got hot,                                    
And he touched the sweet spot,                              
The damn thing healed up, it is true.                       
                                                            
58232 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Anon                     



The seraphim, sitting on high,                              
Saw JC return, and said "Hi.                                
We know where you've been,                                  
Did you hump Magdalene?"                                    
And Jesus, he started to cry.                               
                                                            
58233 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh fellas, oh fellas, I tried,                             
I married her just 'fore I died.                            
You know that tale, fine;                                   
How we ran out of wine,                                     
And I pissed them some more."  (Beams with pride.)          
                                                            
58234 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



"Well, after the party we troop                             
Upstairs, and am I cock-a-hoop!                             
We strip; she looks gorgeous,                               
We're in for fun orgious...                                 
But hell, boys, I've got brewer's droop.                    
                                                            
58235 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



"I used all my miracle tricks.                              
Result: shrank to two inch, not six.                        
She even gave head;                                         
But raising the dead                                        
Is an easier problem to fix.                                
                                                            
58236 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



"She laid back with and sadly she sighed                    
She said `Jesus, son, I have tried                          
My best, but I fail                                         
To twitch your limp tail.                                   
You'd best put a finger inside'."                           
                                                            
58237 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



"I probed at that spot unconcealed,                         
And then my drunk senses all reeled;                        
No longer a a slit.                                         
It had gone, every bit...                                   
I touched and the damned pussy healed."                     
                                                            
58238 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



"That joke was around," says friend Clive,                  
"When JC himself was alive."                                
That's true enough, yet                                     
They reckon it's bet-                                       
ter to travel than e'er to arrive.                          
                                                            
58239 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



So p'raps you enjoyed the relation;                         
If not, you may heap condemnation                           
Upon my old head,                                           
While I go to bed,                                          
And interest Erm in fellation.                              
                                                            
58240 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



When Mary went out to the coast,                            
She'd write to her mother and boast                         
She behaved very well,                                      
But her belly did swell                                     
And she swears she was fucked by the Ghost.                 
                                                            
58241 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Albin Chaplin   3024-1321



Jesus Christ, supposed son of God,                          
Loved to surf on the beach at Cape Cod.                     
"Hooray for the girls                                       
With their lashes and curls,"                               
Thus spake the old Christian sod.                           
                                                            
58242 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



The concept that Jesus was virgin                           
Is a thought in my head just emergin'.                      
Did virginity stay,                                         
Or like preachers today,                                    
Did he give in to more worldly urgin'?                      
                                                            
58243 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



Saint Peter was tired at the gate,                          
And sought his hunger to sate.                              
So he asked Jesus,                                          
With many pleases,                                          
To stand in while he got a plate.                           
                                                            
58244 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Daniel Ford              



Then there came a hobbling old man,                         
With his cane and white hair and deep tan.                  
Jesus thought that he knew                                  
This grey old man who                                       
Had a spine all curved like a fan.                          
                                                            
58245 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Daniel Ford              



Jesus asked, "Wouldst capenter be?"                         
"Yes, but am I acquainted with thee?"                       
Then Jesus asked more                                       
Of the man with four score,                                 
"Have a son who left you in the lee?"                       
                                                            
58246 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Daniel Ford              



The Old One replied, "Yes, I did so."                       
"Had he holes in his hands, do you know?"                   
"Yes, indeed, rather!"                                      
Then Jesus cried "Father!"                                  
Mused the grey beard, "Pinocchio??"                         
                                                            
58247 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Daniel Ford              



Said a fellow nailed up on a rood,                          
"My teachings I never have rued,                            
But no one believes                                         
I should hang between thieves;                              
These Romans are terribly rude!"                            
(rood - cross or crucifix)                                  
58248 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Norm Storer         P9111



"On this day when men honor their mothers,"                 
Jesus asked, "though you're not like the others,            
If despite Joseph's urgin',                                 
You continued a virgin,                                     
How come I have sisters and brothers?"                      
                                                            
58249 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        A. N. Wilkins       P8612



What advances we've made since that time!                   
Now those guilty of heinous crime                           
Are assured several years,                                  
While judicial gears                                        
Grind through evidence not worth a dime.                    
                                                            
58250 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller 0296a        



"Poor drunk," said a Salvation chick,                       
"Your choice for the faith must be quick.                   
'Twas for you Jesus died."                                  
But the drunkard replied,                                   
"I did not even know he was sick."                          
                                                            
58251 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Albin Chaplin   3024-0994



A fairy who came from Khartoum                              
Faced life in the depths of deep gloom.                     
And he moaned in despair                                    
That he could not be there                                  
When the Saviour was laid in his tomb.                      
                                                            
58252 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Albin Chaplin   3024-0930



Jesus was found in the city;                                
You see, He lusted for 'titty'.                             
He would give girls pitty-pat,                              
And "Lets undress for a nap".                               
They threw lots for his clothes, out of pity.               
                                                            
58253 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



"You've finished your loaves and your fishes?"              
"Oh yes, Sister Mary, delicious!"                           
Said Mary as all                                            
Of them rushed out the hall.                                
"Well you bloody might help do the dishes!"                 
                                                            
58254 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Peter Wilkins            



The gals in that edifice cloisterous,                       
Rushed out in a manner most boisterous.                     
They said, "We'll decline                                   
That dish washing line;                                     
It's free will, and God left the choice ter us.             
                                                            
58255 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy                    



So come along sinners, repent,                              
I now know what Jesus Christ meant,                         
When he said "Love thy neighbour,"                          
Go give her your caber,                                     
Or ass-poke the rev, if you're bent.                        
                                                            
58256 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



Sweet Jesus, before he did die,                             
Was so hot, he made young ladies sigh.                      
He'd whip out the wine,                                     
Then do sixty nine;                                         
"Oh my God!" those young hussies would cry.                 
                                                            
58257 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Jayne                    



A young man of King David's line                            
Changed water into the best wine.                           
He said with a grin                                         
As he wiped off his chin,                                   
"The glory's my father's, not mine!"                        
                                                            
58258 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Ron Sartain        TP9804



There once was a celibate monk,                             
Who was heard to say while he's drunk:                      
If a nun is God's wife,                                     
(Thus her celibate life),                                   
Then what am I, Jesus's punk?                               
                                                            
58259 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Phil T                   



Our sisters are Mary and Eve;                               
All the gossip you hear, don't believe.                     
Eve was betrayed.                                           
Mary, she prayed --                                         
Birthed a son, the world to reprieve!                       
                                                            
58260 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Annie Jay                



Bethlehem, little town, in the snow,                        
And up above, one star aglow.                               
God must have been good,                                    
Or else Mary would                                          
Not have had seven more kids with Joe.                      
                                                            
58261 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



Said a skeptical fisherman, Luke,                           
"This carpenter -- he knows The Spook?"                     
Well, if all he can claim                                   
Is helping the lame,                                        
Then I fear he is merely some kook."                        
                                                            
58262 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Norm Storer         P9812



Jesus, embarrassed by underpants stains,                    
Accompanied by smells, noise, and pains,                    
Attributed his messy farts                                  
To eating pigs hearts,                                      
For which his interest now wanes.                           
                                                            
58263 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



So Mary, you say He has risen,                              
Erect in his shrouds from his prison?                       
But really, my dears,                                       
After two thousand years,                                   
I'll betcha mine's harder than his'n!"                      
                                                            
58264 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



I hear Jesus is down in the dumps,                          
When disciples betrayed him like chumps.                    
So he went to Mount Olive                                   
Where sailors AWOL live,                                    
And Popeye soon gave him some lumps.                        
                                                            
58265 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Hugh Clary               



The Pops sent him off to the Skipper                        
Who said, "Son, you are only a whipper,                     
So, I'll take you in tow,                                   
Since no Siren would blow                                   
Your dingy with that skinny dipper.                         
                                                            
58266 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Brian Belge              



When Jesus went out and he grooved;                         
His Father had never approved.                              
And Mary Magdalene                                          
Would think it obscene --                                   
"Did you just see how the Lord moved?"                      
(In mysterious ways)                                        
58267 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Archie                   



For moving mysterious ways,                                 
And bending in ways that amaze,                             
Ignore the Lord's spawn;                                    
You'll want to gaze on                                      
Contortionists deserving praise.                            
                                                            
58268 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Marlene Lewis            



There was a fine fellow named Jesus,                        
Who was nailed to a cross by some sleazes.                  
But the guy chose to die                                    
For our sins; don't know why.                               
I guess he assumed it would please us.                      
                                                            
58269 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Jason Taniguchi          



A nearsighted cleric from Queens                            
While constructing Nativity scenes,                         
Wrapped up Jesus and Joe                                    
In two wise men's manteaux,                                 
And put Mary in swaddling jeans.                            
                                                            
58270 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Prof M-G                 



A child who was swathed in a swaddle                        
Could talk before he could toddle.                          
He would shake his small noddle,                            
Saying "No need to coddle,                                  
Snap to it and give me my boddle."                          
                                                            
58271 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Peter Read          P9802



'Bout religion I may be a dunce,                            
But on reading of Jesus' stunts,                            
And his dealings with men,                                  
And the way things were then,                               
I doubt that He even came ONCE!                             
                                                            
58272 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



Said Peter to Jesus, "It's boring                           
In heaven, let's go do some whoring."                       
"No Pete, when I touch                                      
Those gals in the crotch,                                   
It heals up, there's no chance of scoring."                 
                                                            
58273 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



They came, found the rock rolled away,                      
Then they wailed in chagrin and dismay.                     
With no proof of demise                                     
They could only surmise                                     
There's no way the insurance would pay.                     
                                                            
58274 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller 0299         



If they had proof of insurance that day,                    
When they came and rolled that rock away,                   
They wouldn't be glum,,                                     
They'd be paid a lump sum.                                  
Would you call that a dead giveaway?                        
                                                            
58275 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        S C Saint                



At the Sunday School old Father Flynn                       
With those tales of the Lord did begin;                     
How on water he trod,                                       
But one lad was not awed,                                   
For he said, "I guess Jesus can't swim."                    
                                                            
58276 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Phil Cannibal       P0011



Brother Dennis the short was a hero,                        
Counting years not from Rome of old Nero,                   
But from good old J.C.                                      
And he erred don't you see:                                 
He forgot to put in a year zero!                            
                                                            
58277 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Sumaq                    



Though normally placid and mild,                            
Old Joseph, one winter, went wild.                          
"You told me you shouldn't;                                 
You couldn't; you wouldn't;                                 
So how come you're having a child?"                         
                                                            
58278 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



Our lives seemed so dreary and drab,                        
One day I just jumped in a cab.                             
I don't need new shoes,                                     
But to just clear my blues,                                 
I bought this one down at the lab.                          
                                                            
58279 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Marlene Lewis            



To innkeeper Oliver Kyte,                                   
Came Jesus, which gave him a fright.                        
"Hey Landlord," he hails.                                   
"I have these two nails.                                    
Can you put me up for tonight?"                             
                                                            
58280 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy Ogg                



To Heaven went Christ on his trip,                          
But someone had made a bad slip.                            
From the cold earthly prison                                
Of the tomb, He had risen,                                  
But the rabbi was left with a tip.                          
                                                            
58281 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Albin Chaplin   3024-3017



When Christ was alive on the cross,                         
Before death his brow could emboss,                         
His tongue felt around,                                     
And he said with a frown,                                   
"I wish I'd remembered to floss."                           
                                                            
58282 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Heather McCabe           



Over Bethlehem, a star RESPLENDENT,                         
Filled the sky for all the descendents.                     
'Mid shepherds and stock,                                   
He came for the flock                                       
Whose fleecing is, for now, transcendant.                   
                                                            
58283 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Daniel Ford              



There was an Old Lady of Moldavia,                          
Who had the most curious behaviour;                         
For while she was able,                                     
She slept on a table,                                       
Saving herself for her Savior.                              
                                                            
58284 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Edwardian Leer 020       



A bearded old fellow out slumming                           
Excited a girl with his thumbing.                           
He divulged he was Christ                                   
And the girl was enticed,                                   
And he thrilled her with his second coming.                 
                                                            
58285 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Albin Chaplin   3024-1663



A fool hanging nailed to a cross,                           
Cried, "This proves Jehovah's the boss;                     
Then unto you I say                                         
That each year on this day,                                 
Eating eggs shall you mourn for my loss."                   
                                                            
58286 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Beelzebub          TP9804



Few people complain of my style,                            
No matter how vulgar or vile.                               
But it's not my desire                                      
To raise anyone's ire,                                      
So I'll lay off Jesus for a while.                          
                                                            
58287 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



He, most famous in all history,                             
Would be doomed now by social decree.                       
He'd be locked up today,                                    
For didn't he say.                                          
"Suffer little ones come unto me?"                          
                                                            
58288 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        John Miller              



The three of us hang here bereft;                           
The others are guilty of theft.                             
This has gone on so long,                                   
I'm glad it's my swan song.                                 
Or to paraphrase... T.G.I.F.                                
                                                            
58289 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        S C Saint                



Sweet Jesus, it's not nice to frown;                        
After all, we've given you a crown                          
Made of thorns, it is true,                                 
But you've a birds-eye view                                 
Of Pilate giving you the thumbs-down.                       
                                                            
58290 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        S C Saint                



Incidently your sandals don't fit,                          
But you probably don't give a shit.                         
Though this is deicide,                                     
You know deep inside,                                       
Your really did overcommit.                                 
                                                            
58291 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        S C Saint                



When I contemplate the virgin birth                         
I must offer this, for what it's worth.                     
Less than miraculous                                        
With an umbilicus;                                          
Still the source of Frankincense and "Myrrth."              
                                                            
58292 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



Old Pontius instilled abject fear;                          
As a Pilate, he was without peer.                           
Was he sent back to Rome? No!                               
Yet he said, "Ecce Homo!"                                   
Did he think that Christ (Jesus) was queer?                 
                                                            
58293 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS                                 



In Cannan J C did some tricks,                              
Turned water to cat's piss then fixed                       
By means of hypnosis,                                       
A sort of narcosis,                                         
And got them to drink it, the pricks.                       
                                                            
58294 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Tiddy                    



Lands sakes, you are such a teaser,                         
With limericks pulled from your freezer.                    
I have just a word                                          
For you, you old bird;                                      
You're telling lies about Julius Caesar!                    
                                                            
58295 RELIGION - GODS - JESUS        Travis Brasell           



The liberals will sit on their kissters                     
And whine about butt-bottom blisters.                       
Their credo is clear,                                       
Although it sounds queer:                                   
"In heaven, all men will be sisters."                       
                                                            
58296 RELIGION - HEAVEN                                       



In Heaven, the British are cops.                            
The German mechanics are tops.                              
The French are the cooks,                                   
The Swedes have good looks,                                 
And all public fountains have schnapps.                     
                                                            
58297 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Al Willis                



"Now here at life's close, I profess                        
I have hardly a sin to confess.                             
I've lived meek and mild                                    
As an innocent child.                                       
Can St. Peter deny me then?" "Yes!"                         
                                                            
58298 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Laurence Perrine    P9305



There are places in Heaven, I ken                           
For bright intellectual men.                                
But the Pearly Gates close                                  
Against each one of those                                   
Who do their crosswords with a pen!                         
                                                            
58299 RELIGION - HEAVEN              John E Mayhood      P2006



When doctors reach the Pearly Gate,                         
They're put on small clouds, told to wait.                  
And so they wait and sit                                    
And if they question it,                                    
"St. Peter is a wee bit late."                              
                                                            
58300 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Irving Superior     P9704



Getting to Heaven is easy,                                  
As painless as playing Parchessi.                           
Avoid every sin,                                            
Love all as your kin,                                       
Then drink dry the Rivewr Zambesi.                          
                                                            
58301 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Timothy Torkildson       



When I upon Heaven's clouds dwell                           
With wings and strings, all will be well;                   
Look up and you'll see                                      
A cowpoke -- yes, me!                                       
Who's flappin' and twangin' like hell!                      
                                                            
58302 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Travis Brasell           



In Heaven, the Brits form a line.                           
The German mechanics are fine.                              
The French are the cooks;                                   
The Swedes have good looks,                                 
And all public fountains have wine.                         
                                                            
58303 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Al Willis           P9710



The luscious Lieutenant Montoya                             
Suffers from odd paranoia;                                  
She fears not meeting God,                                  
For the size of his rod                                     
Must rival the mighty Sequoia.                              
                                                            
58304 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Mike Tice                



Miss Block, who was eager to please,                        
Shed tears as she fell to her knees.                        
He said, "Please, no mopin',                                
Your lock is now open.   (chastity belt?)                   
You'll pass through the gates like a breeze."               
                                                            
58305 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Jim Weaver Collection    



If Heaven means twanging on strings,                        
And wearing ridiculous wings,                               
While sat on a cloud,                                       
Then I'll stay with the crowd                               
Who indulge in nefarious things.                            
                                                            
58306 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Peter Wilkins            



The day has come, I surmise.                                
Your mother had died, no surprise.                          
And now you must do                                         
What's all left to you;                                     
Cross your fingers and hope that she'll rise.               
                                                            
58307 RELIGION - HEAVEN              John Paulk          P0308



When Johnnie with mother conversed,                         
He asked if maid Brown went feet first,                     
When to heaven she went                                     
On her upward ascent.                                       
His mother said, "Nonsense, the worst!"                     
                                                            
58308 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Albin Chaplin   3024-0671



With toes pointing up and no gown,                          
"I'm coming, oh God!" yelled maid Brown.                    
And she would have got there,                               
Johnnie solemn did swear,                                   
Except father was holding her down.                         
                                                            
58309 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Albin Chaplin   3024-0672



With 'Paradises" so profound,                               
John Milton, surely, Heaven bound.                          
And when he reached the Gate,                               
Did Peter hesitate?                                         
John's still in charge of Lost and Found.                   
                                                            
58310 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Irving Superior     P9701



Eternity lasts for too long --                              
By then we'll be tired of its song.                         
A better design,                                            
For both yours and mine                                     
Is rounds (with a three-minute gong).                       
                                                            
58311 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Nick Lanyon              



Some people may bask in the love                            
Of those cupids and cretins above;                          
But I find, as a rule,                                      
That the love of a fool                                     
Means little, when push comes to shove.                     
                                                            
58312 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Beelzebub          TP9804



Mother Teresa's at the Pearly Gate;                         
St. Peter said, "Your works were great."                    
Our appreciation we'll show                                 
With this special halo,                                     
So all will know you really rate.                           
                                                            
58313 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Puff Adder               



Mother T. then sees Princess Di;                            
Her halo catches her eye.                                   
It seems her halo                                           
Looks better, you know,                                     
And the good nun wants to know why?                         
                                                            
58314 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Puff Adder               



So she makes a hasty retreat                                
And goes back to see good old St. Pete.                     
She will find out                                           
What it's all about;                                        
She's surely one of the elite?                              
                                                            
58315 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Puff Adder               



"St. Peter, I don't mean to squeal,                         
But imagine how I must feel.                                
Di's halo's so fine;                                        
It's nicer than mine!"                                      
"Halo? That's a steering wheel!"                            
                                                            
58316 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Puff Adder               



Mary Whitehouse, our favorite prude,                        
Campaigned against anything rude.                           
And now she has died                                        
And old St Peter cried:                                     
"You can only come in, in the nude.                         
                                                            
58317 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Tony Burrell             



In Heaven, you will need no clothes;                        
The rain never falls, nor wind blows.                       
Beside, flesh and bone                                      
Stay here; soul alone                                       
Floats skyward, or so the script goes.                      
                                                            
58318 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Tiddy Ogg                



Seems Heaven's reserved for the few                         
Who aren't a Muslim or Jew.                                 
The Druids don't rate;                                      
Buddhists, same fate,                                       
And pagans most surely won't do.                            
                                                            
58319 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Chris Papa               



Abou asked, as he sneaked a quick look,                     
"What you writing in that big gold book?"                   
The angel screamed, "Ben!                                   
You ask once again,                                         
And I'll take your name off the list, schnook."             
                                                            
58320 RELIGION - HEAVEN                                       



What in this life men -- six out of seven --                
Enjoy most is sex. It's the leven                           
For the meek and the brave,                                 
For captain and slave.                                      
Yet Christians exclude it from Heaven.                      
                                                            
58321 RELIGION - HEAVEN              A. N. Wilkins       P8606



What's Heaven?  A girl's sparkling eyes?                    
A mountain of steak/mushroom pies?                          
Or is it, when hot,                                         
To find you a spot                                          
With an absence of wasps, bugs and flies.                   
                                                            
58322 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a woman from Devon,                          
Who hope to gain entry to Heaven.                           
But St. Peter said, "Nix,                                   
Our limit is six,                                           
And we know you've screwed lots more than seven."           
                                                            
58323 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Bob Birch           P0107



Moaned a harried old harlot named Min,                      
Who was deep in original sin,                               
"Though I do quite well whor-ily,                           
I reproach myself morally;                                  
Heaven know how I'll ever get in!"                          
                                                            
58324 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Armand E Singer       148



There was an idealist named Kevin,                          
Had his own impression of Heaven.                           
When he met his sad end,                                    
He was clean 'round the bend;                               
He was never to see heavenly Devon!                         
                                                            
58325 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Arthur Pattaffy          



A plumber said, "Leave me alive,                            
I'm twenty, too young for this dive."                       
Said St. Peter, "Indeed?                                    
You've aged with great speed.                               
By your time-sheets, you've turned ninety-five."            
                                                            
58326 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Bill Backe-Hansen   P8710



You're a gnarled and sardonic old man;                      
But this is still part of God's plan.                       
If you think that you know                                  
Where you're going to go,                                   
You can wipe that smirk right off your pan.                 
                                                            
58327 RELIGION - HEAVEN              P Chernoff               



A harlot repented of sin,                                   
Through contrition, she heaven did win.                     
But she found it too staid                                  
So she plied her old trade,                                 
And the saints all went marching right in.                  
                                                            
58328 RELIGION - HEAVEN              David Finely        P9610



In Heaven, as part of perfection,                           
A SMOKING and NON-SMOKING section--                         
Clouds and clouds black.                                    
A noteworthy fact,                                          
If Heaven should be your direction.                         
                                                            
58329 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Irving Superior     P9202



When St. Peter was fitting young David                      
With his halo, he ranted and raved                          
About David's fine ass,                                     
So said David, "Alas,                                       
Not just father, I find, is depraved."                      
                                                            
58330 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Albin Chaplin   3024-0915



I obeyed the call of the Big Guy                            
Who said conquer the world and multiply.                    
As a true believer,                                         
I rammed every beaver;                                      
Broke all previous records, that's why.                     
                                                            
58331 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Dirruk                   



I then took instruction from God                            
Who told me to "Fuck off!", the old sod.                    
I thought he said "oft"                                     
So I screwed and I boffed                                   
Every girl with a heavenly bod.                             
                                                            
58332 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Peter Wilkins            



So now I stand here at the Gates                            
And boff every virgin who waits,                            
Or I go down to Hades                                       
For shadier ladies                                          
On odd-numbered calendar dates.                             
                                                            
58333 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Peter Wilkins            



At a seance I summoned Lautrec                              
And asked, "Could you come on a trek                        
With me and two belles?                                     
Please bring your pastels."                                 
He replied, "Just a sec...I'll go check..."                 
                                                            
58334 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Tutta Gioia              



Later he said that he might,                                
But worried again 'bout his height.                         
I said not to worry,                                        
Just think warm and furry...                                
So put on your wings and take flight.                       
                                                            
58335 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Tutta Gioia              



So down from wherever he flew,                              
As though he would start life anew...                       
He painted us all,                                          
He kept us in thrall,                                       
And made love to our beautiful two.                         
                                                            
58336 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Tutta Gioia              



God! He made love with a thirst,                            
His passion just ready to burst.                            
Then with tears in his eyes,                                
Said, "Believe not those lies...                            
All's here!  And not heaven rehearsed!"                     
                                                            
58337 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Tutta Gioia              



I will not die. I refuse.                                   
The afterlife myths are a ruse.                             
Poor Henri cries                                            
"Believe not those lies!"                                   
If only I really could choose.                              
                                                            
58338 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Karen                    



But I can't so I will live                                  
As pleases me and I'll not give                             
An inch or a mile                                           
In manner or style.                                         
I'll go barefoot.  I'll dance.  I'll forgive.               
                                                            
58339 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Karen                    



Heaven's too lofty for me;                                  
I'd rather be down by the sea,                              
In a little grass hut                                       
Where I'll sit on my butt;                                  
I've got wine and bread...How 'bout thee?                   
                                                            
58340 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Karen                    



If you like, I will play you an air                         
On my cello, and make you declare                           
That that night by the sea                                  
With his head on your knee,                                 
Was a wondrous romantic affair.                             
                                                            
58341 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Lucy                     



Disillusioned was "Born Again" Parr,                        
As he soared above earth very far.                          
At his moment of capture                                    
Sucked up in the "Rapture",                                 
He wailed, "You mean I can't keep my car?".                 
                                                            
58342 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Loren Fitzhugh      P0900



Presbyterians believe without proof,                        
When they die, they go up through the roof.                 
Their fervor won't wane,                                    
As they pray in the rain.                                   
I'm sure that they're quite waterproof.                     
                                                            
58343 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Al Willis                



The doctor was deep in his gloom;                           
In his dreams he could see a grey tomb.                     
He dreamt he must wait                                      
Behind Peter's great gate,                                  
And be called last from the big waiting room.               
                                                            
58344 RELIGION - HEAVEN              Edwin J Weinstein        



You know, I'm beginning to wonder                           
If the airline has not made a blunder....                   
I wanted to go                                              
To a land with no snow,                                     
But -- should it stay this hot "Down Under"?                
                                                            
58345 RELIGION - HELL                Robin K. Willoughby P8702



In Hell, the prim British are cooks,                        
And the Zulus have all the good looks.                      
The lovers are Swiss;                                       
The Italians hate this,                                     
And you dance every night with Chinooks.                    
                                                            
58346 RELIGION - HELL                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the Devil seductively, "So                             
Let me show you my realm down below,"                       
But the more he insisted,                                   
The more she resisted.                                      
Said she, "I'll be damned if I'll go!"                      
                                                            
58347 RELIGION - HELL                Laurence Perrine    P9807



Fair warning to those who goad Job                          
In their god-awful, devilish probe                          
Of the passions of man                                      
In their masterless plan --                                 
In the blink of a strobe, good-bye globe!                   
                                                            
58348 RELIGION - HELL                                         



A philosopher, finding a stone,                             
Gave vent to a horrified groan;                             
For beneath it he found                                     
Christians squirming around,                                
And crying out loudly, "Atone!"                             
                                                            
58349 RELIGION - HELL                Beelzebub                



On gravestones there mostly will be                         
The briefest obituary.                                      
But if there's five lines                                   
That BELOW defines,                                         
It might then be you or else me.                            
                                                            
58350 RELIGION - HELL                Irving Superior          



Pinch babies, kick dogs, be real mean;                      
Don't forget to do something obscene.                       
Be sure to dress well                                       
For your sojourn to Hell,                                   
And be certain your undies are clean.                       
                                                            
58351 RELIGION - HELL                John Miller              



Said a medical student, unmanned,                           
"Hellfire can't be properly planned.                        
For all time to be doomed,                                  
To burn on unconsumed,                                      
Is what no constitution can stand."                         
                                                            
58352 RELIGION - HELL                Allen M. Laing           



There once was an Angel of Death,                           
And he is coming for Beth.                                  
She will burn her soul                                      
In a hellish hot hole,                                      
When he takes her very last breath.                         
                                                            
58353 RELIGION - HELL                Jim Weaver Collection    



I once met this girl from down under,                       
With a voice like the rolling of thunder,                   
Two horns and a tail -- Can                                 
She be Australian?                                          
What the Hell -- it's a logical blunder.                    
                                                            
58354 RELIGION - HELL                KJR                      



A professional biker named Bell,                            
From his bicycle tumbled and fell.                          
His skull made of bone                                      
Got cracked by a stone.                                     
He's now en-route to Hell.                                  
                                                            
58355 RELIGION - HELL                Nik Synytskyy            



Said the leatherman to his admirer,                         
A young boy who sang in the choir,                          
"The church we attend                                       
Had my soul on the mend,                                    
But the afterlife now looks much direr.                     
                                                            
58356 RELIGION - HELL                Jim Weaver Collection    



Not sweet but quite naughty's Melinda;                      
Stands naked in front of her window                         
And her morals of late,                                     
Ensure her a date                                           
With Old Nick, to be burned to a cinder.                    
                                                            
58357 RELIGION - HELL                                         



There's a place that we must go to dwell.                   
When we all, in this life, say farewell.                    
When man meets ex-wife                                      
Later in afterlife,                                         
Will determine if Heaven or Hell.                           
                                                            
58358 RELIGION - HELL                Observer                 



When dying, a fellow named Bate                             
Arranged to pay charges and freight                         
On his brand-new Mercedes                                   
To be sent down to Hades                                    
To ensure that he'd get a hot date.                         
                                                            
58359 RELIGION - HELL                Albin Chaplin   3024-0034



Old Satan today always wins,                                
As he has us before he begins.                              
Conditions impel                                            
Him to add on to Hell,                                      
Since we've legalized all seven sins.                       
                                                            
58360 RELIGION - HELL                A N Wilkins         P9808



There's a lusty young farmer in Piapot,                     
Whose combine makes all the girls sigh a lot.               
That's all very well,                                       
But when he goes to Hell,                                   
I'll wager he sure gets to fry a lot.                       
                                                            
58361 RELIGION - HELL                John E Maywood           



When your ashes are filling an urn,                         
Reflect on my story, and learn.                             
I tell you, I hated                                         
My being cremated,                                          
'Til I felt a more permanent burn.                          
                                                            
58362 RELIGION - HELL                                         



The Hereafter to me was revealed                            
And there was an Elysian Field                              
Filled with chiggers and bees                               
And arachnids and fleas,                                    
And the honey and milk were congealed.                      
                                                            
58363 RELIGION - HELL                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9709



After death, a dim Aussie shit eater                        
Was turned back at the gates by St. Peter.                  
When he asked his crime,                                    
Pete said "Your post don't rhyme,                           
And aint in a limerick metre!"                              
                                                            
58364 RELIGION - HELL                                         



I am sure to Hell I will go,                                
But this doesn't come as a blow.                            
I'd guess paradise                                          
Can't be all that nice                                      
When there isn't anybody you know.                          
                                                            
58365 RELIGION - HELL                Kitten                   



In Hades, as part of perfection,                            
A SMOKING and NON-SMOKING section--                         
But like back on Earth                                      
Of justice, a dearth.                                       
NON-SMOKING, the down-wind direction.                       
                                                            
58366 RELIGION - HELL                Irving Superior     P9202



The virginal nun woke to find                               
that, by mistake, to hell she'd been consigned.             
Phoned St. Peter to save her;                               
But post-orgy, she wavered;                                 
"Hey Pete, it's Maggie, never mind."                        
                                                            
58367 RELIGION - HELL                Res Ipsa                 



"When I breathe my last breath", said Jim,                  
"I hope the Lord takes me to Him."                          
But the sound of the Knell                                  
Found Jim deep in hell;                                     
He had to go out on a lim!                                  
                                                            
58368 RELIGION - HELL                                         



In Hell, it's not nearly as staid;                          
There are times you can actually get laid.                  
They use a big tube                                         
And dispense with the lube                                  
And care not if the gerbil's afraid.                        
                                                            
58369 RELIGION - HELL                Al Willis                



I found myself burning in hell,                             
Screaming out, Jesus, the smell!                            
The Devil explained,                                        
It's all been ordained                                      
Since you tossed that bug in the well.                      
                                                            
58370 RELIGION - HELL                H Welchel                



He said, "It's the Law I obey.                              
That poor spider drowned on that day.                       
Although he'd no brain,                                     
That spider felt pain.                                      
So you, in turn, feel it today."                            
                                                            
58371 RELIGION - HELL                H Welchel                



"Tomorrow, we get you for food,                             
'Cause most what you ate was quite rude                     
To beef cows and fish.                                      
And soon you will wish                                      
To chew off your own flesh, bad dude!"                      
                                                            
58372 RELIGION - HELL                H Welchel                



"Rest in Peace, our glorious Ann" --                        
That's how the obituary ran.                                
But Ann didn't cease                                        
To be a great piece,                                        
She just went to hell for a tan.                            
                                                            
58373 RELIGION - HELL                Neal Wilgus         P8208



Your average French girls are no ladies;                    
They'll do anything to get a Mercedes.                      
In private or whore-office                                  
They peddle each orifice,                                   
Nor care if they end up in Hades.                           
                                                            
58374 RELIGION - HELL                                    G1818



There's no future for our motherhood;                       
Young girls will be misunderstood.                          
Low cut blouses, short skirts,                              
Make them all look like flirts,                             
And go against the rules of the talmud.                     
                                                            
58375 RELIGION - JEWS                Arthur Pattaffy          



From Sinai, departed to Venice,                             
The Hebrews rejoiced with, "Amen, it's                      
So pleasant he's lacking,                                   
With all of his yakking,                                    
And cajoling us, 'Any for tenets'?".                        
                                                            
58376 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



A Jew from the town of New York                             
Was arrested for dining on pork.                            
In rabinical court                                          
Thus he did report:                                         
It was all the fault of his fork!                           
                                                            
58377 RELIGION - JEWS                Phil T                   



Moses was a guy I could go for -                            
Rewarding hard work not the loafer.                         
But the part I reject                                       
Is at Seder the Elect                                       
Take turns at blowing the shophar.                          
                                                            
58378 RELIGION - JEWS                Arthur Deex         P8207



An othodox Jewess with joy                                  
Gave birth to a fine baby boy;                              
But her husband, the fool,                                  
When he saw the child's tool,                               
Remarked, "Oh my god, it's a goy!"                          
                                                            
58379 RELIGION - JEWS                                    P8203



A young Jewish playboy named Yankel,                        
Went skiing and broke his left ankle.                       
His mother, the duchess,                                    
Didn't like him on crutches,                                
The two of them often would rankle.                         
                                                            
58380 RELIGION - JEWS                Arthur Pattaffy          



He sent me out for a ham.                                   
Did he forget who I am?                                     
"This one won't do,                                         
It's covered with goo."                                     
And back to the store did he scram.                         
                                                            
58381 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



"There's chemicals in this!" he said                        
To a manager scratching his head.                           
"It's tainted the meat;                                     
We can't possibly eat                                       
Any food that is tasting like lead!"                        
                                                            
58382 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



"And what IS this orange-y goo?                             
It smells and it tasted like poo!                           
I should've went...                                         
I shouldn't have sent...                                    
She can't buy ham, she's a Jew!"                            
                                                            
58383 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



I'm certain they had a good laugh,                          
Both giggling in my behalf.                                 
And maybe you too                                           
Buy ham covered in goo,                                     
So don't laugh at my grocery store gaffe!                   
                                                            
58384 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



Said the spiritual gentleman who                            
Decided he would be a Jew;                                  
When told circumcision                                      
Might change his decision,                                  
"I'll use ice 'til my pecker turns blue."                   
                                                            
58385 RELIGION - JEWS                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0204



There was a young mohel from Splott                         
Who was called in to bris this young tot.                   
It all went without hitch,                                  
Till the babe gave a twitch,                                
And he damn nearly cut off the lot.                         
                                                            
58386 RELIGION - JEWS                Simon Masters            



We reveled in cream cheese and oil,                         
But one day my joy turned to toil.                          
She'd turned orthodox!                                      
"No bris, dear, no box!"                                    
I hear she's now dating a mohel.                            
                                                            
58387 RELIGION - JEWS                H                        



One summer I was down at Coney 'n'                          
Got caught eatin' a sandwich of baloney 'n'                 
Cheese.  The Rabbi                                          
Accepted no alibi.                                          
His punishment was more than DRACONIAN.                     
(no mixing meat and dairy)                                  
58388 RELIGION - JEWS                Norm                     



A Nazi (now dead) I once knew                               
To her dastardly creed still held true.                     
She gave us all fits                                        
Making up Easter Kits:                                      
Rusty nails, two-by-fours, and a Jew.                       
                                                            
58389 RELIGION - JEWS                John Miller 0294         



Before you begin to break ground,                           
Get four by fours (they are more sound).                    
Rusty nails just won't do,                                  
Set some spikes that are new;                               
As for Jews, they are easily found.                         
                                                            
58390 RELIGION - JEWS                Navin                    



Just think of the fiery furnace                             
And the spiritual lesson it'll learn us.                    
Those Hebe lads and lasses                                  
With unsinged little asses,                                 
Demonstrate, that with faith, fire can't burn us.           
                                                            
58391 RELIGION - JEWS                Arthur Deex         P8207



In the land of the horn of the Ram,                         
There may come a time to eat ham.                           
Far stranger than fiction,                                  
They've fulfilled a prediction                              
And the Jew has lain down with Islam.                       
                                                            
58392 RELIGION - JEWS                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9406



There once was a daring young Jew,                          
Who said to his rabbi, "Screw you,                          
I eat meat on Yom Kippur,                                   
Mixed with milk by the dipper,                              
And as for the shiksehs--Woo, Woo!"                         
                                                            
58393 RELIGION - JEWS                Isaac Asimov             



A pious old jew from Salonika,                              
Said, "For Christmas I'd like an harmonica."                
His wife, to annoy him,                                     
Said, "Feh, That's for goyim!"                              
And gave him a jews-harp for Chanukah.                      
                                                            
58394 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



There was an old Jewish villain                             
Who would screw any girl who was willin'.                   
This orthodox louse                                         
Had a nearsighted spouse,                                   
Who thought he was just laying t'fillin.                    
(t'fillin - phlacteries attached by thong used in prayer)   
58395 RELIGION - JEWS                                    G1170



There once was a remarkable stripper,                       
Who'd undress to the very last zipper,                      
Before one, before all,                                     
But one day in the fall,                                    
She refused and said, "Not on Yom Kippur."                  
                                                            
58396 RELIGION - JEWS                Isaac Asimov             



A rabbi who lived in Peru,                                  
Was vainly attempting to screw.                             
His wife said, "Oy vey!                                     
If you keep on this way,                                    
The Messiah will come before you."                          
                                                            
58397 RELIGION - JEWS                Ray Allen Billington     



A devout Jewish maiden named Donna,                         
Is extremely afraid she's a goner.                          
She was screwing one day,                                   
In each possible way,                                       
Quite forgetting it was Rosh Hoshana.                       
                                                            
58398 RELIGION - JEWS                Isaac Asimov             



You what?  Ah, at last I construe;                          
The land of the Canaanites, who                             
Believe not in Thee,                                        
So it's okay if we                                          
Go blast 'em till all of them's slew.                       
                                                            
58399 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



There was a young mohel from Splott,                        
Whose credentials were really quite hot.                    
But a life on the bottle                                    
Cause his business to topple,                               
When, Oi Vey! He lopped off the lot!                        
                                                            
58400 RELIGION - JEWS                Simon Masters            



Let's weep for a Kosher-raised fairy,                       
Whose food-taboo problem is hairy.                          
"Since I'm oral," he screams,                               
"And my lover sure creams,                                  
Eating meat means I also eat dairy!"                        
                                                            
58401 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



A mohel who drank too many beers                            
Brought a Jewish family to tears.                           
He thought he's a cutie                                     
Performing his duty,                                        
With a pair of brand new pinking shears.                    
                                                            
58402 RELIGION - JEWS                Tom Patton          P0107



Our town circumsizer, Dov Lash--                            
His card - five percent off for cash.                       
My mother said, "Oy!                                        
He's such a small boy;                                      
Please, one percent, Dov, when you slash."                  
                                                            
58403 RELIGION - JEWS                Irving Superior     P8203



On Yom Kippur, young Benjamin Shaim                         
Tried to enter the Shul without payin'.                     
"I'm just looking," said he,                                
For my alte zeyde."     (old grandfather)                   
"Go ahead," said the guard, "but no prayin'."               
                                                            
58404 RELIGION - JEWS                Limericks Lantzmen  P9911



Said an orthodox Hebrew named Rafe,                         
"I think that this restaurant's unsafe.                     
The plates are so greasy                                    
That I'm feeling queasy,                                    
And half of the menu is traif."                             
                                                            
58405 RELIGION - JEWS                P Chernoff               



At Jerusalem's Biblical Zoo,                                
They've removed all bread products from view.               
Not just humankind droves                                   
Eat unleavened loaves,                                      
But the beasts observe Passover too!                        
                                                            
58406 RELIGION - JEWS                Paul Hoffman             



It is plain the poor judge was awed.                        
Ten Commandments were written by God.                       
Had he asked an Israeli                                     
Who reads Hebrew daily,                                     
They'd have spotted the obvious fraud.                      
                                                            
58407 RELIGION - JEWS                Tom Patton          P0310



His honor in old Alabama                                    
Threw the confidence man in the slammer,                    
When he found the "good book"                               
Was fashioned by a crook,                                   
Who worked with a chisel and hammer.                        
                                                            
58408 RELIGION - JEWS                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



In Sodom's twin city Gomorrah,                              
A tourist lazed through the Agora.                          
Not believing his eye                                       
The great finds did he spy                                  
Was a used, "Just One Owner" Menorah.                       
                                                            
58409 RELIGION - JEWS                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9702



An orthodox Jew from Gomorrah                               
Looks carefully all through his Torah;                      
Since not one page objects                                  
To the joys of lewd sex,                                    
He knows just the place, Bora Bora!                         
                                                            
58410 RELIGION - JEWS                Armand E Singer       713



When Passover comes each Spring,                            
Jews do their unleavened thing.                             
They consume lot o'                                         
Tasteless matzoh                                            
Which to their dentures does cling.                         
                                                            
58411 RELIGION - JEWS                Norm Brust               



When the rabbi announced his engagement,                    
It only increased the enragement.                           
When the mum of the girl                                    
Let her lips slightly curl,                                 
He knew then just what his wise sage meant.                 
                                                            
58412 RELIGION - JEWS                Arthur Pattaffy          



From Rabbi Ben Kosher's own pen:                            
Be circumcised by age of ten.                               
So do not delay,                                            
Go do it today!                                             
I'll talk now about boys and men.                           
                                                            
58413 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



Nanny, a goat who was British,                              
Decided to learn to speak Yiddish.                          
She wore a fedora                                           
To light her menorah,                                       
And her friends thought that she was kiddish.               
                                                            
58414 RELIGION - JEWS                Nancy Henry-Kline   P9306



A sexy young lady named Sue                                 
Complained of her lover's taboo.                            
He wouldn't gamauche her                                    
'Cause she wasn't kosher,                                   
And he was an orthodox Jew.                                 
                                                            
58415 RELIGION - JEWS                Pedro J. Saavedra   P8203



It is generally held to be true,                            
That a Hebrew is a male Jew.                                
It's quite clear to me,                                     
One can easily see,                                         
A female must be a Shebrew.                                 
                                                            
58416 RELIGION - JEWS                Robert S Painter         



A young Jewish student named Moses                          
Dressed in black from his head to his toeses.               
He learned day and night,                                   
Even by candlelight;                                        
He's so tired that in class he just dozes.                  
                                                            
58417 RELIGION - JEWS                Arthur Pattaffy          



A Talmudist named Samuel Blum                               
Liked to practice the Arabic drum.                          
To assuage the affliction                                   
Of this contradiction,                                      
He would eat chicken fat with his thumb.                    
                                                            
58418 RELIGION - JEWS                Joel Cohen               



There was a young schlepper named Joe,                      
Who shared everything he'd not know.                        
If you'd had a Jew...                                       
You'd thank God daily too.                                  
And keep your head covered in kepot.                        
                                                            
58419 RELIGION - JEWS                                         



The Nation of Jews (so they say)                            
Has suffered a lot in its day.                              
As proof they're superior:                                  
How they treat inferior                                     
Folks they hold under their sway.                           
                                                            
58420 RELIGION - JEWS                John Miller 0357         



There once was a fellow named Kevin,                        
Who refused to consume bread unleavened.                    
He once said, "I despise                                    
Loaves that don't ever rise.                                
I'm not Jewish, I'll still got to heaven."                  
                                                            
58421 RELIGION - JEWS                Ryan Waldron             



The Cohn twins made their money go far.                     
When they both needed a new yarmulke.                       
Got a two for one special                                   
From the dry goods man Heshel,                              
When they purchased a black satin bra.                      
                                                            
58422 RELIGION - JEWS                Arnie schoenbrun    P0206



When Der Fuhrer had ended life's lot,                       
He stormed St. Pete's gate on the dot.                      
"Let me in, I'm no kike,                                    
I'm head man of the Reich."                                 
Christ shrugged and replied: "Vell, so vot?"                
                                                            
58423 RELIGION - JEWS                                    P8203



There was a young mohel from Splott;                        
A sharp knife he brings to the spot.                        
A drop of red wine,                                         
A broch or nine,                                            
And hey presto! What was is not.                            
                                                            
58424 RELIGION - JEWS                Simon Masters            



There was a young mohel from Splott,                        
Who just loved to go racing his yacht.                      
Dressed in waterproof schmutter,                            
He'd maneuvre his cutter                                    
To go straight to the fore like a shot.                     
                                                            
58425 RELIGION - JEWS                Simon Masters            



The ten lost tribes - long lost in flight                   
In Eastern California might.                                
Yosemite!                                                   
To you and me.                                              
By some pronounced, YO-SEMITE.                              
                                                            
58426 RELIGION - JEWS                Irving Superior     P8207



Precede us, O Lord, with thy grace.                         
As we travel through time anbd through space.               
In all that we do,                                          
May we magnify you,                                         
Our reward as we run the straight race.                     
                                                            
58427 RELIGION - PRAYER              Frank R. McManus         



Said a virgin who lived in St. Ives                         
"Pray, good sir, ere my membrane you cleave                 
With your life-giving sword,                                
Let me first thank the Lord                                 
For what I'm about to receive."                             
                                                            
58428 RELIGION - PRAYER              Hugh Oliver           40d



At Harvard the gurus thought wise                           
By MBA candidates, prize                                    
Those casebooks which say,                                  
"Although the good pray,                                    
The successful instead advertise."                          
                                                            
58429 RELIGION - PRAYER              A. N. Wilkins       P9008



If three billion souls in dejection                         
Point up in symbolic reflection                             
And in reverence they plead                                 
To fulfill some great need,                                 
Then each points in a different direction.                  
                                                            
58430 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin 3024  P9007



The Libbers' decline started when                           
AWOMEN and no more AMEN.                                    
The movement in splinters                                   
When Women Lib spinsters                                    
No more can their prayers end, "Ah men."                    
                                                            
58431 RELIGION - PRAYER              Irving Superior     P9008



Amenhotep grew amgry when                                   
The Hebrews end their prayers, "Amen."                      
"If they don't get in step                                  
And finish with '...hotep,'                                 
Then back to making bricks again."                          
                                                            
58432 RELIGION - PRAYER              Irving Superior     P9008



A pious old fellow named Pitt                               
Would never say cunt, twat or slit.                         
To avoid controversy,                                       
He would beg the Lord's mercy                               
Whenever he sat for a shit.                                 
                                                            
58433 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2232



Forgive me, dear Lord, I have sinned.                       
It happens again and again.                                 
I can't seem to stop it;                                    
Cock springs forth like a rocket;                           
To temptation I always give in!                             
                                                            
58434 RELIGION - PRAYER              Travis Brasell           



But Lord, it is much worse than that:                       
Young ladies are swinging my bat!                           
They drop to their knees,                                   
And say, "Honey, please."                                   
I oblige with some juice from my vat.                       
                                                            
58435 RELIGION - PRAYER              Greg Laing               



"Prayers-R-Me", yes that's you, Billy Graham;               
It's down to the way that you say 'em.                      
But if you were viewed                                      
In your birthday suit, nude,                                
Do you think that you could still sway 'em?                 
                                                            
58436 RELIGION - PRAYER              Professor                



When our prayers seem in vain -- waste of word,             
Just be thankful all prayers are not heard;                 
It could be this day                                        
We'd be blasted away                                        
By the prayer of some terrorist nerd.                       
                                                            
58437 RELIGION - PRAYER              Ann Gasser          P9009



We have nothing to fear except fear.                        
Though the end of the world may be near.                    
Though the threat of man's strife                           
Endangers all life,                                         
We'll have faith that "it can't happen here."               
                                                            
58438 RELIGION - PRAYER              Laurence Perrine    P9005



Whenever a Congress begins --                               
Forgive us, O Lord, our past sins.                          
And, as for today,                                          
Lord, show us the pay.                                      
November, that each of us wins.                             
                                                            
58439 RELIGION - PRAYER              Irving Superior     P9008



What's known as the Las Vegas prayer                        
Is used by each crap-shooting player.                       
"Come baby, Come heaven.                                    
Come seven/eleven."                                         
Like foxholes, no atheists there.                           
                                                            
58440 RELIGION - PRAYER              Irving Superior     P9008



I drink hard whiskey, swear and use crack.                  
My school loans I never pay back.                           
And I chew tobacco.                                         
But I'm so sorry, so                                        
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack?                       
                                                            
58441 RELIGION - PRAYER              Willaim N Nesbit    P0010



Oh God, for as much as without thee                         
We are not enables to doubt thee,                           
Help us by thy grace                                        
To convince the whole race,                                 
We know nothing whatever about thee.                        
                                                            
58442 RELIGION - PRAYER              Ronald Knox              



There was a young man of Ascension                          
Who thought sex was to sinful to mention.                   
When he got himself laid,                                   
He accordingly prayed                                       
To divirt (so he thought) God's attention.                  
                                                            
58443 RELIGION - PRAYER              Isaac Asimov             



The religious TENETS in life                                
All preach love, avoidance of strife.                       
But if you don't pray                                       
Exactly my way,                                             
I'm afraid you'll be put to the knife.                      
                                                            
58444 RELIGION - PRAYER              Chris Papa               



A renowned Gaelic scholar declares                          
That a Donegal manuscript bears                             
In classical Erse                                           
The following curse:                                        
"May the Lord answer all of your prayers."                  
                                                            
58445 RELIGION - PRAYER              A. N. Wilkins       P9008



There once was a luscious young maid                        
Who never her young man dismayed.                           
It's a matter of record                                     
That before she was peckered,                               
He fell down to his knees and he prayed.                    
                                                            
58446 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0257



Said father to son, "Kiss your wife,                        
For fishing may well take your life.                        
The waves may deliver                                       
You into the river                                          
Where awful sea monsters are rife."                         
                                                            
58447 RELIGION - PRAYER              Matthew Montchalin       



In our schools, let kids pray to be free,                   
From the church, academically;                              
"Oh Lord, sepaarate                                         
The church from the state,"                                 
He was praying, fundamentally.                              
                                                            
58448 RELIGION - PRAYER              John Griffin             



Once worked with odd woman fanatic,                         
Who regaled us with tales autocratic;                       
When trouble did brew,                                      
To chapel she flew,                                         
And prayed for her God to "get at it."                      
                                                            
58449 RELIGION - PRAYER              Elois                    



The Argonauts's priest was heard say                        
To the big Double Blue -- "Let us pray                      
That disease and fatigue                                    
Strike the rest of the league,                              
And we may win the Grey Cup some day."                      
                                                            
58450 RELIGION - PRAYER              Hugh Oliver           59a



I'm sorry you're not feeling good.                          
I'd trade places with you if I could.                       
May the Lord heed the prayer                                
Of your brethren who care,                                  
And return you good health if He would.                     
                                                            
58451 RELIGION - PRAYER              Jim Weaver Collection    



A young Chinese maiden, Princess Dove,                      
Knew a peasant boy, who she did love.                       
To start him revealing                                      
What she knew he was feeling,                               
She offered gifts to the Gods up above.                     
                                                            
58452 RELIGION - PRAYER              Arthur Pattaffy          



Young girls go through many a phase,                        
At the time of their difficult days;                        
At first, they are glad,                                    
And next, they are mad,                                     
From then on, they give the Lord Praise!                    
                                                            
58453 RELIGION - PRAYER              E. E. Potts         P8502



There was an old spinster named Lakme,                      
Who prayed to the Lord, "You must back me.                  
You did not give me features                                
To attact the men creatures;                                
You must help some young lad to attack me!"                 
                                                            
58454 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin   3024-1361



There was a young maid named O'Hare                         
Whose cunt was so juicy and rare,                           
That her date, if you please,                               
Simply fell to his knees,                                   
And he paused for a moment of prayer.                       
                                                            
58455 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0889



"O dear God," prayed a woman named Hearne,                  
"You've warned me, no sex in the stern.                     
But please be aware,                                        
I simply don't care;                                        
Let me wind up in limbo or burn."                           
                                                            
58456 RELIGION - PRAYER              Armand E Singer       776



A lady with breast lumps, aware                             
They could mean she'd cancer cells there,                   
Knelt and prayed they'd subside,                            
But they grew and she died,                                 
Since a fact never yields to a prayer.                      
                                                            
58457 RELIGION - PRAYER              John Sandler        P9204



Please God, see the problem that bothers;                   
Each Irish lot fights all the others.                       
Pray, turn all the creed                                    
Into heathens; The breed                                    
Will then mix like true Christian brothers.                 
                                                            
58458 RELIGION - PRAYER              Bill Backe-Hansen   P9008



I can laugh in the face of a leopard                        
When I wear my magical leotard.                             
There's nothing to fear                                     
When danger lurks near,                                     
For I know that the Lord in my Sheopard                     
                                                            
58459 RELIGION - PRAYER              Arthur Deex         P9110



To pray for some rain, tried Miss Fenster --                
When rain failed to come, it incensed her.                  
And what made it more tragic,                               
She had not studied magic,                                  
Or perhaps a lot more prayed against her.                   
                                                            
58460 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2569



There was an old pilgrim named Goss,                        
Who walked to the shrine with a cross.                      
For so long he went forth                                   
With his face to the north,                                 
That his pecker was covered with moss.                      
                                                            
58461 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2090



The power of Faith, it is said,                             
Can sometimes bring life to the dead.                       
And the ages have shown                                     
That it is not unknown                                      
For the converse to happen instead.                         
                                                            
58462 RELIGION - PRAYER              Beelzebub           T9801



Her tears are like pearls in a shrine!                      
O lord, let that treasure be thine!                         
But that rich source of rubies                              
Adjacent her pubes                                          
Be an inexhaustable mine!                                   
                                                            
58463 RELIGION - PRAYER              Lance Payne         P8601



'Twas the night that the gals congregate                    
For a prayer group that always ran late;                    
Where they prayed for lost souls,                           
As they squeezed tight their holes,                         
And swore they would not fornicate.                         
                                                            
58464 RELIGION - PRAYER              Bob Birch                



An intricate problem had Ray;                               
He fell on his knees and did pray.                          
Now he was not devout,                                      
As it later turned out,                                     
But he knew there was no other way.                         
                                                            
58465 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin            



Let's cheer for school prayer, ONE-TWO-THREE!               
How could prayer hurt our right to be free?                 
Religious rules                                             
Wouldn't hurt kids in schools,                              
Just as long as they pray just like me.                     
                                                            
58466 RELIGION - PRAYER              John Miller 0363         



The Emergency Broadcasting squeal                           
Is loud enough to upchuck your meal.                        
But, never mind,                                            
It's been very kind,                                        
Never to have squealed for real.                            
                                                            
58467 RELIGION - PRAYER              Harry Rubin         P9301



As I've said, I don't care if you pray,                     
Just as long as you do it my way!                           
(Since Congress, rough-shod,                                
Stuck in "Under God",                                       
I don't pledge allegiance that way!)                        
                                                            
58468 RELIGION - PRAYER              John Miller              



An overblown floozie from Aix                               
Was truly enamored of sex;                                  
She prayed, "O dear God,                                    
You gave me a bod,                                          
Now find me a pecker that pecks."                           
                                                            
58469 RELIGION - PRAYER              Armand E Singer       273



If prayer is so sweet and sublime,                          
And assists in our heavenly climb,                          
Why propose to prepare                                      
For a moment of prayer?                                     
We should simply pray all of the time.                      
                                                            
58470 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin            



In my youth it was not a big deal                           
In our family circle," said Neil.                           
"Mom was not a bad cook,                                    
But we went by the book                                     
And prayed at the start of each meal."                      
                                                            
58471 RELIGION - PRAYER              A. N. Wilkins       P9008



The Right Reverend Archbishop Foster                        
Sidled up to this babe to accost her,                       
And was quick to agree                                      
On a suitable fee --                                        
Two Hail Marys and one Paternoster.                         
                                                            
58472 RELIGION - PRAYER              Hugh Oliver         A105A



In a land where the folks were devout                       
Came a spell of dry weather throughout.                     
So they prayed for some rain,                               
But to pray was in vain,                                    
For some bastards, it seems, prayed for drought.            
                                                            
58473 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2542



Said the preacher, "The lawyers are fools                   
Who think they can suppress it with rules.                  
As long as kids cram                                        
For a final exam,                                           
There will always be prayer in the schools."                
                                                            
58474 RELIGION - PRAYER              A. N. Wilkins       P8706



There was a young lady of Twickenham,                       
Who used to take cocks without pickin' 'em.                 
She'd kneel on the sod,                                     
And pray to her God                                         
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.                 
                                                            
58475 RELIGION - PRAYER              Norman Douglas      L0116



Joy is where you find it; it's free.                        
So if sane and happy you'd be,                              
Live, laugh, and be kind,                                   
Leave all darkness behind;                                  
I'll pray for you. Please pray for me.                      
                                                            
58476 RELIGION - PRAYER              John Miller              



There was an old man who was spry.                          
He once caught a fly on the fly.                            
As it tickled his palm,                                     
He recited a psalm:                                         
"Dear Lord, what a good boy am I!"                          
                                                            
58477 RELIGION - PRAYER              Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



I do love a religious man,                                  
And am on my knees when I can,                              
To give many thanks                                         
For long hot hard shanks;                                   
They're always in my divine plan.                           
                                                            
58478 RELIGION - PRAYER              Carol                    



Bless you, my dear, now come here;                          
If you pray, then I'll whip out my spear.                   
If you gobble and suck,                                     
You'll be in for a fuck                                     
Up your orifices, frontal and rear.                         
                                                            
58479 RELIGION - PRAYER              Peter Wilkins            



If each team prays they'll be victorious,                   
Quite confident, almost euphorious,                         
Their prayers, heard on High,                               
Would result in a tie --                                    
Would the spectators think that was glorious?               
                                                            
58480 RELIGION - PRAYER              Ann Gasser          P9009



Sure, I'm living in Ballydehob,                             
Away from that damn city mob.                               
I go to Confession,                                         
Attend every Mission,                                       
Say the Rosary each night by the hob!                       
                                                            
58481 RELIGION - PRAYER              Linda Marsh Coll         



That devout Presbyterian, Shore                             
Would pretend to find sex a big bore.                       
But at supper he'd pray,                                    
"Dearest God, make my day;                                  
Bless this food, 'rouse my wife, and much more."            
                                                            
58482 RELIGION - PRAYER              Armand E Singer       709



There was an old fellow of Leeds;                           
With rosary he prayed for his needs.                        
He prayed like a demon                                      
To be a great he-man;                                       
He was short about eighty-four beads.                       
                                                            
58483 RELIGION - PRAYER              Albin Chaplin            



A shameless old shaman, Lone Bear,                          
So aged, he just didn't care,                               
Would squat in his teepee                                   
And drink his own peepee,                                   
While deeply immersed in lewd prayer.                       
                                                            
58484 RELIGION - PRAYER              Armand E Singer       115



Forgive me, dear Lord, I haved sinned.                      
It happens again and again.                                 
I can't seem to stop it;                                    
Cock springs forth like a rocket;                           
To temptation I always give in!                             
                                                            
58485 RELIGION - PRAYER                                       



"My son you should not feel such guilt,                     
I know of the juice that you've spilt;                      
Now here's what I'm working on:                             
That 'bat' gals are jerking on                              
Will soon have a permanent wilt!"                           
                                                            
58486 RELIGION - PRAYER                                       



Then I'll buy me some liquid Viagra,                        
And my dick'll be just like Niagara.                        
The juice won't be stoppin'                                 
'Cause Mycoxaflopyn                                         
Will fix it and be my new Savior.                           
                                                            
58487 RELIGION - PRAYER                                       



When young, Lord Alfred Tennyson                            
Found a road-killed deer. His benison:                      
Dear God, please freshen                                    
These pounds of flesh 'n                                    
Just call me the Merchant of Venison.                       
                                                            
58488 RELIGION - PRAYER                                       



"Whenever my wife prays," said Lee,                         
"She is asking the good Lord to see                         
If he can't make a sinner                                   
In that instance a winner,                                  
And have two plus two equal three."                         
                                                            
58489 RELIGION - PRAYER              A. N. Wilkins       P9008



When Marty reflects on the bees                             
And the birds, she drops down to her knees                  
Then makes her chest bare                                   
And whispers this prayer,                                   
"Please give me two firm double-D's.                        
                                                            
58490 RELIGION - PRAYER              Peter Wilkins            



Dear Lass, may you grow, but not older;                     
May your love always flame and not smolder;                 
May your tits never sag,                                    
Nor your ass never drag;                                    
May your twat be the tightest cock-holder.                  
                                                            
58491 RELIGION - PRAYER              Travis Brasell           



Dear Lad, may each lass whom you see                        
Be quite eager to screw you for free;                       
May you give her a smile                                    
When you boff doggy-style,                                  
With a cock that is grand and not wee.                      
                                                            
58492 RELIGION - PRAYER              Travis Brasell           



Said mother to son, "Take this charm,                       
So nothing will hurt or give harm                           
To you or your net,                                         
Or that which you get.                                      
But if it should fail, just yell "Darn!"                    
                                                            
58493 RELIGION - PRAYER              Matthew Montchalin       



A thought about reincarnation                               
Which fills me with slight trepidation,                     
Is being reborn                                             
As a barbecue prawn,                                        
Or some equally tasty crustacean.                           
                                                            
58494 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Peter Wilkins            



If your flesh, it will sink to the ground,                  
And a prawn's life will be your next round.                 
If you end on my plate,                                     
(Thought it might be too late)                              
You'll end in my mouth, whole and sound.                    
                                                            
58495 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Ulla                     



In which case, my dear, open wide;                          
There's no reason to wait 'til I've died,                   
And returned as a prawn;                                    
So come chew on my brawn,                                   
As a foot past your tonsils I slide.                        
                                                            
58496 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Peter Wilkins            



I'm trying to live this life right,                         
Because there's a chance that I might                       
Require re-birth                                            
And come back to earth                                      
Disguised as a hermaphrodite!                               
                                                            
58497 RELIGION - REINCARNATION                                



If population numbers allow                                 
Past lives of all persons of Now,                           
To be well-to-do --                                         
Where there were so few --                                  
Will someone please explain how?                            
                                                            
58498 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Paul Niquette            



A man from a small third-world nation                       
Believed in reincarnation.                                  
He worshipped the cat,                                      
But came back as a rat;                                     
It was to his great consternation.                          
                                                            
58499 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Monique de Plume         



A bore asked in brief conversation                          
If I believed in reincarnation.                             
I said, "Yes!  You of course                                
Were the back end of a horse;                               
Your presence is pure confirmation!"                        
                                                            
58500 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Ray E Gessler            



In each of my previous lives,                               
I've had numerous girlfriends and wives,                    
Who in each incarnation                                     
Bore the next generation,                                   
Into which my dead spirit revives.                          
                                                            
58501 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       John Miller 0081         



The way that I heard it was this:                           
Don't run somewhere else, seeking bliss.                    
Wherever you work,                                          
You'll find the same jerk,                                  
And still find that something's amiss.                      
                                                            
58502 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Hilde na Beag            



My old aunt this faith promulgated;                         
I'll tell it as it was related:                             
Think everything great,                                     
For that which you hate                                     
Is how you'll be reincarnated.                              
                                                            
58503 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       Tiddy                    



But the last time around, I did not;                        
I wasted my time smoking pot.                               
I forgot to beget                                           
So I'm not quite here yet,                                  
Someone else is here filling my slot.                       
                                                            
58504 RELIGION - REINCARNATION       John Miller 0081a        



According to John Milton's ex,                              
That old Puritan fart loved to vex                          
His friend and his foe                                      
By pretending to know                                       
What the angels above do for sex.                           
                                                            
58505 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8710



Celebrate is a wild, lavish way --                          
Costly wines with a subtle bouquet.                         
Bring the dancing girls on                                  
And carouse until dawn.                                     
After all, April Fool's is our day.                         
                                                            
58506 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8612



Augustine was a light-hearted bloke;                        
He poked all the gals he could poke.                        
When the finger of God                                      
Gave him the old prod,                                      
The "Confessions" revealed 'twas no joke.                   
                                                            
58507 RELIGION - SAINTS              Annie Jay                



A young girl, naive and unwary,                             
Was met by a, man old and hairy.                            
He said "I'm an angel,                                      
And though it seems strange, I'll                           
Make you annointed, young Mary."                            
                                                            
58508 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



The things that he did were quite bestial,                  
"But Mary," he said, "'tis celestial,                       
A baby from God,                                            
Will grow in your pod,                                      
Please call it the Extra-Terrestrial."                      
                                                           e
58509 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



Now Joseph, her boyfriend, was thicker                      
Than she, so he just did not dicker,                        
When "Joseph," she said,                                    
"We've got to get wed.",                                    
Though he'd not yet got into her knickers.                  
                                                            
58510 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



"A honeymoon place we must go;                              
Bridlington's nice in the snow."                            
But they both couldn't spell,                               
So you know very well,                                      
To Palestine went M and Joe.                                
                                                            
58511 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



While looking for fossils, six meters                       
From Basilican altars, Prof. Jeeters                        
Claimed to find relics quaint --                            
Holy bones of a saint --                                    
But the bones that they found were all peters.              
                                                            
58512 RELIGION - SAINTS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2191



A newcomer greeted a saint:                                 
"It's ol' Peter, goddam if it ain't!"                       
"Sir, here you may use                                      
Any language you choose,                                    
But, God damn it, you cannot say ain't!'"                   
                                                            
58513 RELIGION - SAINTS              Laurence Perrine    P8907



Saint Augustine was one the the greater                     
Confessors -- a true master baiter                          
Of sin in its lair --                                       
And here's Augie's great prayer:                            
"Make me chaste, Lord, but not just now -- later!!"         
                                                            
58514 RELIGION - SAINTS              Robin K. Willoughby P8409



Thomas said to a maid on an outing,                         
"What's this 'sex' all the masses are touting?              
Sure, I'd like to be saint,                                 
But a martyr I ain't--                                      
Can I resist temptation? I'm doubting."                     
                                                            
58515 RELIGION - SAINTS              William N. Nesbit   P9609



The aptly named old man St Upid                             
When ignored by the Greek God Cupid,                        
A hermit became,                                            
And then he gained fame,                                    
For the locals he constantly duped.                         
                                                            
58516 RELIGION - SAINTS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The aptly named hermit, St Upid                             
The locals he constantly dup-ed                             
By giving advice                                            
On all kinds of vice                                        
Misusing the urgings of Cupid!                              
                                                            
58517 RELIGION - SAINTS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A hermit, a social outcast,                                 
Was arrested for sins in his past.                          
Told, "Don't dawdle so,                                     
You are going too slow,"                                    
Replied, "No, I am going to fast."                          
                                                            
58518 RELIGION - SAINTS              Laurence Perrine    P8712



A boring old fart was St Raight;                            
'Gainst gay men he'd constantly prate.                      
He never was gayer                                          
Than in breaks from prayer,                                 
When Les Girls he would viciously bait!                     
                                                            
58519 RELIGION - SAINTS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Though his garments be ragged and holely,                   
A hermit's God's instrument wholly.                         
In each prayer that he prays,                               
He praises God's ways --                                    
God's wholly, though holely, thrice holy!                   
                                                            
58520 RELIGION - SAINTS              Laurence Perrine    P8712



The King's men were pleased with their catch;               
To a stake they tied Joan with dispatch.                    
She exclaimed as she stood                                  
In the twigs and the wood,                                  
"I'm afraid that I've just met my match."                   
                                                            
58521 RELIGION - SAINTS              Albin Chaplin   3024-2491



John the Baptist declared he was sick,                      
That a hermit's life wasn't the trick,                      
A hot desert venue,                                         
Nor a grasshopper menu,                                     
To keep women from wanting his prick.                       
                                                            
58522 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8712



Mark, Matthew and John, apostolic,                          
Round Palestine gaily would frolic.                         
They screwed all the whores                                 
On Galilee's shores,                                        
While drinking that juice alcoholic.                        
                                                            
58523 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



Blessed spirits discover one thing;                         
Pius living alone will not bring                            
The place they desire                                       
In the Heavenly Choir.                                      
They have to be able to sing.                               
                                                            
58524 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8710



Joan of Arc, canonized teenybopper,                         
Was her pious claim fitting and proper,                     
That she heard from St. Michael                             
On a regular cycle,                                         
Or was she another name dropper?                            
                                                            
58525 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P9507



Said the Druid to St. Pat, "It's a fake,                    
That thing that you chase ain't a snake."                   
But the thing's vicious bite,                               
Made him cry, "You are right,                               
Give me 'asp'--irin fast for my ache."                      
                                                            
58526 RELIGION - SAINTS              500 Best Irish JokesP9511



Said the Pope to his Archbishop Gluck:                      
"With the statues of saints we've had luck.                 
Tears by one have been shed,                                
And the other has bled;                                     
What we need is a saint that can suck."                     
                                                            
58527 RELIGION - SAINTS              Albin Chaplin            



She wanted to grow up a Saint,                              
And her mother, she had no complaint.                       
But men -- quite a few --                                   
Were more fun than a pew,                                   
So she wanted to be, but she ain't!                         
                                                            
58528 RELIGION - SAINTS              Aurora                   



There once was a virgin on board                            
The top of my auto's dashboard.                             
She once save my ass                                        
In a Mexican crash,                                         
And is known as the Mom of our Lord.                        
                                                            
58529 RELIGION - SAINTS              Anon                     



At these Revelations, ap-Paulled,                           
James thought they are bound for a fall.                    
Then he Luked at Judas,                                     
Said "Boy, what a cute ass",                                
And had him a sodomite ball.                                
                                                            
58530 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



An old archaeologist Throstle                               
Discovered a marvelous fossil.                              
He knew from the ratchet                                    
And the knob that would catch it,                           
'Twas the pawl of Peter the Apostle.                        
                                                            
58531 RELIGION - SAINTS              Arthur Deex         P9704



St. Simeon clearly was nimble.                              
Though his quarters were small as a thimble,                
This could not make him stop                                
Living atop                                                 
Of a sixty-two foot phallic symbol.                         
                                                            
58532 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8712



From heaven the saints all observe us,                      
Recording each act of disservice.                           
But going too far,                                          
You'll end up in a jar,                                     
'Cause that's where the saints will preserve us.            
                                                            
58533 RELIGION - SAINTS              Tom Patton          P9609



The lecherous hermit, St Iffy,                              
When out was quite often whiffy.                            
When asked which old trout                                  
He'd just taken out,                                        
He'd bend down and have a quick sniffy!                     
                                                            
58534 RELIGION - SAINTS              Jim Weaver Collection    



St Francis liked beasts in the field;                       
To him all the beasties would yield.                        
He'd plunder their treasure                                 
For his private pleasure,                                   
Then sniff where the semen congealed.                       
                                                            
58535 RELIGION - SAINTS              Archie                   



Saint Anthony, in his temptation,                           
Was urged to enjoy fornication                              
By bitches with nipples                                     
Like colliery tipples,                                      
And clefts like the Cunt of Creation.                       
(tipple - where the ore is dumped down to railcars)         
58536 RELIGION - SAINTS                                  G1165



"A hermit's life has limitations,"                          
Said St. Anthony, "and consolations.                        
Mine is never a bore,                                       
Since each day about four,                                  
The girls come with my daily temptations."                  
                                                            
58537 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8712



St. Augustine, never straight-laced,                        
When converted, prayed: "God, make me chaste.               
Yet," he added though, "Lord,                               
It would be untoward                                        
To do it with unseemly haste."                              
                                                            
58538 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P9609



As a youth he felt little restraint...                      
Had a mistress in Carthage (how quaint!)                    
Who gave him a son,                                         
Then he said, "I'm done                                     
With sin; I am shooting for Saint!"                         
                                                            
58539 RELIGION - SAINTS              Tutta Gioia              



St. Augustine says that Hell lies                           
Way up 'twixt those womanly thighs,                         
And fucking the women's                                     
The basest of sinnin'...                                    
And childless the old bugger dies.                          
                                                            
58540 RELIGION - SAINTS              Hugh Clary               



So I'm burning the bong with my Zippo,                      
When your rhyme sends me off on a trippo.                   
Knowing Augustine, Saint,                                   
While showing restraint,                                    
Would rather be humming a hippo.                            
                                                            
58541 RELIGION - SAINTS              Tiddy Ogg                



Well, Augy was into perversion;                             
Like Paul he then got a conversion.                         
And then became Bishop                                      
Of Hippo, to dish up                                        
His weird anti-female assertion.                            
                                                            
58542 RELIGION - SAINTS              Tiddy Ogg                



He stopped giving head, wiped his chin.                     
This evil place that I've been in,                          
Is whence we're all born;                                   
It's nothing but porn;                                      
I'll call it Original Sin.                                  
                                                            
58543 RELIGION - SAINTS              Tiddy Ogg                



Please consider now St. Bernadette                          
After cannonization, I'll bet,                              
When revisiting Lourdes                                     
And confronting great hordes                                
Said, "Mon Dieu! Look, a tourist trap yet!"                 
                                                            
58544 RELIGION - SAINTS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



Among the saints is Saint Bernard;                          
He spent his life in some church yard.                      
He'd burglars fright;                                       
Trespassers bite;                                           
But nuns with trysts, would disregard.                      
                                                            
58545 RELIGION - SAINTS              Irving Superior     P9609



St. Christopher said, "When I drag,                         
Or just cruise in my racing-green Jag,                      
With my foot on the pedal                                   
I don't trust my medal--                                    
But I've faith in the factory air bag!"                     
                                                            
58546 RELIGION - SAINTS              William N. Nesbit   P9609



Dear St. Christopher, recently rocked                       
By the church and in essence defrocked,                     
Was chastised by the Pope,                                  
Who said, 'There's no hope.                                 
You can't 'serve and protect' when you're crocked."         
                                                            
58547 RELIGION - SAINTS              Loren C Fitzhugh    P9609



Can't believe you picked on St. Francis,                    
Who loved all animals (even asses),                         
Birds and snakes,                                           
Creatures of the lakes,                                     
And pussies belonging to young lasses.                      
                                                            
58548 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



Of Assisi, St. Francis, the while                           
Did both animals, lay folk beguile.                         
But at last it came out                                     
That as well as a lout,                                     
He was found to be a Zoophile.                              
                                                            
58549 RELIGION - SAINTS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



Said Joan on the pile, "I confess,                          
To be burned at the stake is a mess.                        
Though I frankly avow,                                      
I'm smoking more now.                                       
But clearly enjoying it less."                              
                                                            
58550 RELIGION - SAINTS              Lims Hist and Hyst  P9607



Said St. Joan, the last words that she spoke,               
"All I said was, 'Now I'd like to smoke',                   
Just a feminie whim                                         
For a Virginia slim--                                       
What's the matter, you can't take a joke?"                  
                                                            
58551 RELIGION - SAINTS              William N. Nesbit   P9609



St. Joan abjured gowns gem encrusted;                       
Instead in her 'voices' she trusted.                        
And designed men's attire                                   
Before the line caught fire;                                
Non-spontaneously St. Joan combusted.                       
                                                            
58552 RELIGION - SAINTS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



St. John the Divine said, "It seems,                        
Though on Patmos I've tried lots of schemes                 
In attempting to keep                                       
From going to sleep,                                        
I still have there terrible dreams."                        
                                                            
58553 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P9608



A naughty young fellow named Paul                           
On the road to Damascus did fall.                           
He got up with a grin,                                      
Said, "No more will I sin."                                 
And later became great St Paul.                             
                                                            
58554 RELIGION - SAINTS              Tom Kearney              



An old archeologist, Throstle,                              
Discovered a marvelous fossil.                              
He knew from its bend                                       
And the knob on the end                                     
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.                        
                                                            
58555 RELIGION - SAINTS              Anon                L0166



'Twas a hardened old Biblical fossil -                      
Though a find, it was hardly colossal -                     
But the Vatican thought,                                    
From the wonders it wrought,                                
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle!                        
                                                            
58556 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



And then there is good old St Peter                         
Who couldn't be any discreeter.                             
He decides female fates                                     
At his own pearly gates,                                    
Right after he slips them the metre.                        
                                                            
58557 RELIGION - SAINTS              Peter Wilkins            



I admire St. Simon Stylites,                                
Who faced with a shortage of nighties,                      
Sanctimonious and solemn,                                   
Reached up from his column                                  
And quietly pinched the Almighty's.                         
                                                            
58558 RELIGION - SAINTS              Ogden Nash          P9002



May you savor each summertime lay.                          
May only the best come your way.                            
May the ides of July                                        
Be perfectly dry                                            
For a fabulous St. Swithin's Day.                           
                                                            
58559 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8612



St. Valentine, give me a break!                             
Why don't you go jump in the lake?                          
Diabolical crap,                                            
All this chocolate and sap --                               
Heartburn's real, but orgasm's fake!                        
                                                            
58560 RELIGION - SAINTS              CB                       



Happy Valentine's Day to the pick                           
Of the studs, one who's really a brick.                     
As we girls ought to know,                                  
He's the right kind of Joe                                  
Whose heart is as big as his prick.                         
                                                            
58561 RELIGION - SAINTS              A. N. Wilkins       P8612



Among lesser saints is St. Vitus.                           
His dervish dances still excite us.                         
We do the dance                                             
With ants in our pants,                                     
Or crabs that sporadically bite us.                         
                                                            
58562 RELIGION - SAINTS              Irving Superior     P9609



Recent converts would look quite askance,                   
Although older ones seemed in a trance.                     
Chanting, "Wow, Holy Gee,                                   
That's what we love to see,                                 
The stif, gaunt, awkward St. Vitus dance.                   
                                                            
58563 RELIGION - SAINTS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



It was just as St Francis suspected                         
And he therefore felt more than dejected.                   
Being too shocked for words                                 
Said, "This thing's for the birds;                          
My stigmata have grown quite infected."                     
                                                            
58564 RELIGION - SAINTS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



In a pub with Saint Thomas Aquinas,                         
I was suddenly struck by his shyness.                       
When I said, "God's in doubt,"                              
He quickly ran out.                                         
Well, that was a bit of a minus.                            
                                                            
58565 RELIGION - SAINTS              Bill Wall                



For my Sweet Thing, on Valentine's day,                     
Got some chocolates; hope she will play                     
Spin-the-bottle with me;                                    
And then, maybe I'll see                                    
If she hankers to "go" all the way!                         
                                                            
58566 RELIGION - SAINTS                                       



Lots of saints are driven, I think,                         
To take an occasional drink,                                
By the moral decay                                          
Of the people who play                                      
Bedroom games. They screw like a mink.                      
                                                            
58567 RELIGION - SAINTS              Kent B. Hake        P9609



Saint Patrick said, "I'm no great shakes,                   
And I don't do fires, floods or earthquakes.                
Under rocks, in the grass,                                  
Sure, and you bet your ass,                                 
On this Emerald Isle there's no snakes."                    
                                                            
58568 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK    Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



On St. Patrick's Day, join the routine.                     
Wear green and enliven the scene,                           
Help spread the good cheer,                                 
Drink quarts of green beer,                                 
And next day you yourself will turn green.                  
                                                            
58569 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK    A. N. Wilkins       P8612



"In New Orleans," reported the scout,                       
"Our old nemesis lives, I've no doubt.                      
There the hosts of St. Pat                                  
Will engage in combat,                                      
And we snakes will drive all the Saints out!"               
                                                            
58570 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK    William N. Nesbit   P9609



I have to put on the brake,                                 
For this thing about Patrick and snake                      
Is a lot of old mist.                                       
Snakes did never exist                                      
In Ireland - It's a religious "mistake".                    
                                                            
58571 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK                             



The "snake" is a symbol for Devil,                          
Which the Church saw as being quite level                   
With the Pagan and Druid                                    
Religions, quite fluid,                                     
In those parts of Ireland's dishevel.                       
                                                            
58572 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK                             



The "pagan" or "country dweller"                            
Worshiped some gods that seemed sweller                     
To them than the "White One".                               
But the Church taught the "Right" one                       
Was better than the other feller.                           
                                                            
58573 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK                             



Patrick (that's not what he was named)                      
Was enslaved by some Irish disdained,                       
For slavery and plunder                                     
And so it's no wonder                                       
That he sought the revenge he has claimed.                  
                                                            
58574 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK                             



The "Horned God" was a Nature sprite,                       
But was transformed, by the pen, overnight,                 
Into a most foul fate --                                    
The "Devil Incarnate"                                       
And by Patrick was then put to flight.                      
                                                            
58575 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK                             



And so this great myth comes to close,                      
I dry my wet eyes, blow my nose,                            
For the injustice is clear                                  
What ever you hold dear                                     
Can be twisted into - "Heaven Knows".                       
                                                            
58576 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK                             



I'll admit in no uncertain terms,                           
Every serpent that slithers and squirms                     
Was drove out by Saint Pat,                                 
But I'll shit in my hat,                                    
If that putz didn't leave all the worms.                    
                                                            
58577 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK                             



On St. Patricks, drink lots of green beer.                  
Get drunk and go boom on your rear.                         
Stumble around in a trance,                                 
Puke your guts, wet your pants,                             
Be an asshole and again next year.                          
                                                            
58578 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK    John Chastaine           



Forgive me from my lack of shyness,                         
To question your comment on guy-ness,                       
But Eire's color is green,                                  
And St. Patrick no queen,                                   
Else the day would be called St. Her Highness.              
                                                            
58579 RELIGION - SAINTS - PATRICK    Grammar Moses            



In Ireland, we're all of us just.                           
Seven deadlies?  You think that we must?                    
There's one of the seven                                    
Will bar you from Heaven -                                  
North or South, its anathema - Lust!                        
                                                            
58580 RELIGION - SIN                 Sydney B Smith           



We've inverted the rest (aren't we snide?)                  
And partitioned them out, three a side.                     
So the Northerner's claim                                   
To a virtuous name                                          
Rests on Covetous, Anger, and Pride.                        
                                                            
58581 RELIGION - SIN                 Sydney B Smith           



While the Southerners swear, little loath -                 
Economic and spiritual growth                               
May be part of the story,                                   
But where lies true glory                                   
In Gluttony, Envy, and Sloth.                               
                                                            
58582 RELIGION - SIN                 Sydney B Smith           



Said Francesca, "My lack of volition                        
Is leading me straight to perdition.                        
But I haven't the strength                                  
To go to the length                                         
Of making an act of contrition."                            
                                                            
58583 RELIGION - SIN                 Edward Gorey             



There once was a lass from Berlin                           
Who predisposition was sin.                                 
Each time she repeated                                      
A scene which was heated,                                   
It was deja vu, all over again.                             
                                                            
58584 RELIGION - SIN                 Literary Group           



He's reposed with exposed messy chin,                       
And I'm thinking of him with a grin;                        
See, the "Man from Nantucket"                               
Last night kicked the bucket                                
While consuming original sin.                               
                                                            
58585 RELIGION - SIN                 Mark Levy           P9609



To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,                  
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,                      
"Your mother's behavior                                     
Gave pain to Our Savior,                                    
And that's why He made you a cripple."                      
                                                            
58586 RELIGION - SIN                 Edward Gorey             



The time of the telephone bell,                             
Says it's someone with something to sell.                   
"How are you?" they begin                                   
And I begin to sin,                                         
By wishing they'd all go to Hell!                           
                                                            
58587 RELIGION - SIN                 Bob Davies               



There's a village called, "Come to the Good",               
Where the people don't do as the should.                    
Every lad and his dad,                                      
Has gone to the bad --                                      
And the women would too, if they could.                     
                                                            
58588 RELIGION - SIN                                          



Asked sweet wide-eyed young Suzi Flynn                      
When her date had been in, in and in,                       
"If it's three times or more,                               
And you quit keeping score,                                 
Is it still called original sin?"                           
                                                            
58589 RELIGION - SIN                 Jane D. Hughes      P9104



If you are a girl who is winsome                            
And would like a respectable income,                        
Then take my advice:                                        
Be especially nice,                                         
But also be ready to sin some.                              
                                                            
58590 RELIGION - SIN                 Norm Storer         P0012



Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,                   
Had morals the city might soften.                           
So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,                             
Are you living in sin?"                                     
Lynn said, "No, but I visit there often."                   
                                                            
58591 RELIGION - SIN                                          



The pifalls of sin look delightful,                         
But the end results, Sonny, are frightful!                  
So the pure and etherial                                    
All shun the venereal,                                      
More in fear, than desire to be rightful...                 
                                                            
58592 RELIGION - SIN                 Grand Prix Lim  868      



For sins that degrade and disgust                           
It's hard to do better than LUST.                           
It may be a crime                                           
But half of the time                                        
You can't keep your hands off her bust.                     
                                                            
58593 RELIGION - SIN                 Larry               P8712



Looked upon by most men as a saint,                         
Candi rarely receives a complaint.                          
Like the Lord up above,                                     
She is free with her love...                                
But a Mother Cabrini she ain't.                             
                                                            
58594 RELIGION - SIN                 William N. Nesbit   P9609



The doc said, "You've syph, Mr. Durrance;                   
You problem demands strong deterrents.                      
Since the mess that you're in                               
Is the wages of sin,                                        
Request unemployment insurance."                            
                                                            
58595 RELIGION - SIN                 Armand E Singer       739



I once knew a sad girl named Hortense                       
Whose mind was chock-full of ill portents.                  
She expected the worst,                                     
And she thought we were cursed                              
By original sin and its torments.                           
                                                            
58596 RELIGION - SIN                 Fish Fowl & Lims    P9601



There was a young lady of Lynn                              
Who was deep in original sin.                               
When they said, "Do be good!"                               
She said, "Would if I could!"                               
And straightway went at it again.                           
                                                            
58597 RELIGION - SIN                 L. Murphy                



There was a young girl on a mission,                        
Who was siezed by an awful suspicion,                       
That original sin                                           
Didn't matter a pin,                                        
In an era of nuclear fission.                               
                                                            
58598 RELIGION - SIN                 A H Baynes          G1586



There was an old fellow named Sturgeon,                     
Whose faith did not need any urgin'.                        
He felt favored by God                                      
And did not find it odd                                     
When his daughter gave birth, though a virgin.              
                                                            
58599 RELIGION - SIN                 Albin Chaplin            



The saying is "PRIDE BEFORE FALL".                          
There's no truth in that shit at all.                       
Like many old saws,                                         
This flaunts nature's laws.                                 
It's summer that comes before fall.                         
                                                            
58600 RELIGION - SIN                 Larry Davis         P8712



There was a young fellow who knew,                          
Drinking, dicing, and whoring won't do.                     
Which one might suppose,                                    
In plain fact, though, God knows,                           
Such knowledge is given to few.                             
                                                            
58601 RELIGION - SIN                 John Ciardi              



To temptation I'm quick to submit.                          
I regret many sins, I admit.                                
Yet, this is no boast:                                      
I regret the most                                           
Those sins that I failed to commit!                         
                                                            
58602 RELIGION - SIN                 John Miller 0021         



An arrogant child named Bart                                
Was just a little too smart.                                
His dad made him bend,                                      
Then across his rear end                                    
Bart learned what it felt like to smart.                    
(PRIDE)                                                     
58603 RELIGION - SIN                 Joel Rothman        P9104



A senile old man from West Broughton,                       
Fancied some females and sought 'em.                        
He'd often run after                                        
The women with laughter,                                    
But quite forgot why when he'd caught 'em.                  
(LUST)                                                      
58604 RELIGION - SIN                 Joel Rothman        P9104



A captain yelled out with great force,                      
"Oh where, oh where is my horse?"                           
His men looked around,                                      
But none could be found--                                   
So the captain grew madder, of course.                      
(ANGER)                                                     
58605 RELIGION - SIN                 Joel Rothman        P9104



A haughty, young man playing chess                          
Made his moves with the utmost finesse,                     
But he pondered his fate                                    
When his friend shouted, "Mate!                             
I've won and I'm thankful, God bless!"                      
(ENVY)                                                      
58606 RELIGION - SIN                 Joel Rothman        P9104



An Italian, Valentino,                                      
Whose appetite was obsceno,                                 
Filled his belly                                            
With vermicelli,                                            
And several pints of red vino.                              
(GREED)                                                     
58607 RELIGION - SIN                 Joel Rothman        P9104



There was a young lad named Frank                           
Who wanted some fish from a tank.                           
As soon as he saw them,                                     
He dived stright in for them;                               
But right to the bottom he sank!                            
(COVETOUSNESS)                                              
58608 RELIGION - SIN                 Joel Rothman        P9104



There was a young girl called Daisy--                       
Not smart, but not at all crazy.                            
Did she work? Not at all,                                   
She was what you might call                                 
Just clever enough to be lazy.                              
(LAZINESS)                                                  
58609 RELIGION - SIN                 Joel Rothman        P9104



A young Catholic fellow was fain                            
To protect reputation from stain.                           
But of course he could sin,                                 
Then confess and begin                                      
To be guilty of sin once again.                             
                                                            
58610 RELIGION - SIN                 Warrick Elrod            



It's time to make love.  Douse the glim.                    
The fireflies flicker and dim.                              
The stars lean together                                     
Like birds of a feather,                                    
And the loin lies down with the limb.                       
                                                            
58611 RELIGION - SIN                 Conrad Aiken        G0082



An antichrist known as Carruthers,                          
Waxed bitter when speaking of mothers.                      
"When that six sixty-six                                    
Puts the world in a fix,                                    
They shall go straight to hell with the others!"            
                                                            
58612 RELIGION - SIN                 Paul Hoffman             



The young lady tickled my chin                              
And said, "Would you like to get in?"                       
I said, "Oh you bet!"                                       
Then broke into a sweat,                                    
And worried like hell about sin.                            
                                                            
58613 RELIGION - SIN                 Mikey              TP9901



A fearful young lady named Bostick                          
Was asked if her fears made her caustic.                    
She said, "Mother fears God,                                
And I fear this is odd,                                     
For my father, I fear, is agnostic."                        
                                                            
58614 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2459



Mother Ann Seaton wasn't a faker;                           
Many though mistook her for a Quaker.                       
Perceiving folks' needs                                     
From her England home, Leeds,                               
She became both a mover and Shaker.                         
                                                            
58615 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



From my postings you just might guess,                      
My bones in Utah, they rest.                                
Don't ask religion,                                         
That tired old pigeon,                                      
I find not committing is best.                              
                                                            
58616 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Marlene Lewis            



The Sacred Name now has been spoken!                        
May mystery sweet not be broken!                            
Mention of 'Choad'                                          
Will no doubt forebode                                      
The worship of that which is oaken!                         
                                                            
58617 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Jim Weaver Collection    



It's the age of harmonic convergence,                       
A time for idyllic emergence;                               
We've shed all our sins                                     
And a new life begins;                                      
We've been cleansed by celestial detergents.                
                                                            
58618 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Hector Lee          P8709



A traveler hailing from Parma                               
Fell afoul of the new Dali Lama.                            
On his way home again,                                      
He had no end of pain,                                      
Attributed to his bad karma                                 
                                                            
58619 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Tim Tudd                 



In pre-history the people were weird;                       
I'm afraid it was worse than you feared.                    
At Stonhenge, a young druid                                 
Used his seminal fluid                                      
As a tonic to strengthen his beard.                         
                                                            
58620 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Bob Mornington           



That young druid's beard was so stiff,                      
He then used it to fashion his quiff.                       
He then made the spell,                                     
"My spunk is hair gel!                                      
Come get it on tap girls! -- as if!"                        
                                                            
58621 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Bob Mornington           



Those Druids, a very mean crew,                             
Were outraged by Winnie the Pooh.                           
They thought it no joke                                     
When he peed on an oak...                                   
They tried him, then dined on bear stew.                    
                                                            
58622 RELIGION - ZOTHER              TuttaGioia               



Druids greeting an eclipse                                  
Sacrificed virgins with red lips.                           
To prolong their pleasure,                                  
They used strips of leather                                 
And beat them first with chains and whips.                  
                                                            
58623 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Bob Mornington           



The decline and fall of the Druids                          
Can be traced to an unruly few ids.                         
And all that disrobing                                      
And probing, rerobing,                                      
And exchange of bodily fluids.                              
                                                            
58624 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



The Druids found ways to PLACATE                            
Their gods in a manner first rate.                          
On sunny spring day,                                        
They'd hump in the hay,                                     
Not leaving the harvest to fate.                            
                                                            
58625 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Chris Papa               



Fertility rites were their creed.                           
When it came to the planting of seed,                       
Although it is reckoned,                                    
Much peeing was beckoned,                                   
From swigging a great deal of mead.                         
                                                            
58626 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Chris Papa               



At Stonehenge in those days of yore,                        
If taunted by any young whore,                              
She they would grab,                                        
Lay her down on the slab,                                   
And show her what big dicks were for.                       
                                                            
58627 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Tiddy Ogg                



A pious young fellow named Widgeon                          
Did claim to me mild as a pigeon.                           
But then it was no bother                                   
In the name of the Father                                   
To slaughter a foreign religion.                            
                                                            
58628 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin            



The Hindus, in their catechism                              
Treat sex as they do mysticism.                             
It seems an orgasm                                          
Is not just a spasm,                                        
But more of a great cataclysm.                              
                                                            
58629 RELIGION - ZOTHER                                  T9707



It's good you're a godless young boor.                      
I'd hate to find you, with brochure,                        
A-knock on my door.                                         
I'd be pretty sore,                                         
And make you feel quite insecure.                           
                                                            
58630 RELIGION - ZOTHER              H WHELCHEL               



In temples lived two eager lamas;                           
They left and they toured the Bahamas.                      
There were girls on the beach                               
But they kept out of reach.                                 
They returned to their temples with traumas.                
                                                            
58631 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2151



In temples lived two horny lamas.                           
They left to chase girls in pajamas,                        
But girls in pajamas                                        
Are faster than lamas,                                      
So they're back in their temple with traumas.               
                                                            
58632 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin Appeal 1426



Of the need to believe, I've no doubt,                      
Said the sage as he looked all about,                       
At the annual fete                                          
Of the psychics who meet                                    
In convention, their claptrap to tout.                      
                                                            
58633 RELIGION - ZOTHER              James Randi              



There was an old mother named Hubbard                       
Who moaned of her bare little cupboard,                     
Till her son named L. Ron                                   
Wrote a book that caught on                                 
And family wealth was discovered.                           
                                                            
58634 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Keith Gilman        P0112



Google could not think what to do                           
When Scientology threatened to sue;                         
The cult said a site                                        
Infringed on its right,                                     
And Google'd be liable, too.                                
                                                            
58635 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Dr Limerick  03-22-02    



But then Google's lawyers opined                            
"You'd be better off growing a spine;                       
You shouldn't surrender                                     
At first demand tendered;                                   
Tough it out to see what's on their mind."                  
                                                            
58636 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Dr Limerick  03-22-02    



The cause of this mischief, in fact,                        
Is the Digital Mellennium Act;                              
Copyright owners                                            
Can search in its corners                                   
And justify any attack.                                     
                                                            
58637 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Dr Limerick  03-22-02    



Viewing Stonehenge leaves folks at a loss                   
To explain "How"?  It's up for a toss.                      
Druids' prayers, arcane moans                               
Spoke to those rolling stones,                              
Which quite magically gathered no moss.                     
                                                            
58638 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Loren Fitzhugh      P0202



On the beach, it's undoubtedly neat                         
To see acres of torsos and feet.                            
But in Thessalonians Three                                  
You will find this decree:                                  
If you don't work, you don't eat.                           
                                                            
58639 RELIGION - ZOTHER              VOL 7                    



In Haiti they practice voodoo;                              
Among the weird things that they do,                        
Is stick pins in the side                                   
Of your effigy's hide                                       
And believe the pain comes through to you.                  
                                                            
58640 RELIGION - ZOTHER              Warrick Elrod            



I do love a good Buddha Belly;                              
It makes my knees go to jelly                               
I rub it for luck                                           
And oh what a fuck!                                         
Another trip down to the deli?                              
                                                            
58641 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA                              



Of Buddha, his praises I sing;                              
To my city, he visited last spring.                         
Said he, in his splendor,                                   
To a hot dog vendor:                                        
"Make me one with everything."                              
                                                            
58642 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA                              



I'll tell of the heretic Buddha,                            
Who boasts that he sinned all he coulda.                    
With women, one hears,                                      
His base side appears,                                      
And he's done rather more than he shoulda.                  
                                                            
58643 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Annie Jay                



But now I want to be chummy!                                
How about a game of gin rummy?                              
And for your good luck,                                     
As we play for a buck,                                      
You may rub several times my round tummy.                   
                                                            
58644 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Tutta Gioia              



The lovliest Buddha I've seen                               
Had eyes of an emerald sheen,                               
Tummy quite round,                                          
That's down on the ground,                                  
Just like his most innermost bein'.                         
                                                            
58645 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Matthew Montchalin       



The most gigantic Buddha I've seen's                        
Been brought down by big guns and machines,                 
By the Taliban                                              
In Afganistan...                                            
They've blown them all to smithereens.                      
                                                            
58646 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Observer                 



Fanatics and guns do not mix,                               
Nor hammers that smash up old bricks,                       
Or machines that knock down                                 
Old things to the ground.                                   
Then grind them to gravel, for kicks.                       
                                                            
58647 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Matthew Montchalin       



And ancient old idols of stone,                             
Poor silent old things as is shown;                         
Mere landmarks in time,                                     
Exotic to find,                                             
But losing them, soon they're unknown.                      
                                                            
58648 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Matthew Montchalin       



For Buddha to live was to suffer...                         
Than to suffer there was nothing rougher.                   
So to get to Nirvana,                                       
Stop with "I wanna" --                                      
You'll need 'gainst desire, a good buffer.                  
                                                            
58649 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Tutta Gioia              



At first Buddha's search was for nothing.                   
After years of his terrible suffering,                      
He found moderation                                         
Was for the duration                                        
Of his life; a very good thing.                             
                                                            
58650 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Karen                    



He came to the realization,                                 
Nirvana's not found through starvation;                     
That this life's good pleasures                             
Are truly the treasures,                                    
And now bellies are rubbed in all nations.                  
                                                            
58651 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Karen                    



An ascetic, Gautama was not!                                
Yet his Third Noble Truth means a lot.                      
With excessive desire,                                      
One's caught in the mire,                                   
And with pain, one's whole life will be fraught.            
                                                            
58652 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Tutta Gioia              



To Buddhists life is a wheel,                               
Of what we do and what we feel.                             
We should not long                                          
For right or for wrong,                                     
But make of air our daily meal.                             
                                                            
58653 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Timothy Torkildson       



I am meditating on your protruddha,                         
And the thought of it just makes me shudda.                 
Is it considered a sin                                      
To put the thing in?                                        
Would my karma feel bad or feel good uh?                    
                                                            
58654 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA                              



The depth of your sensitive karma                           
Will love my protrudda's long charma;                       
And sinful it's not,                                        
In your holey spot;                                         
It's blessed, so there's no fear of harma.                  
                                                            
58655 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA                              



There was a fat bastard called Buddha                       
Who weighed thirty stone though he coulda                   
Laid off the lard,                                          
And ale by the yard,                                        
Like a proper divine being shoulda.                         
                                                            
58656 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Lester Haines            



A Zen Buddhist Master named Honder                          
Said, "Saints never let their minds wander."                
And how it would tax him                                    
To know that's a maxim                                      
Upon which I frequently ponder.                             
                                                            
58657 RELIGION - ZOTHER - BUDDHA     Graham Lester            



The Council of Twelve in Salt lake,                         
Are hardly if ever awake.                                   
They rule while asleep;                                     
We follow like sheep.                                       
I hope they don't make a mistake.                           
                                                            
58658 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Marlene Lewis            



The Hoffman thing was quite a mess                          
For the church and for Hinckley, I guess.                   
His divine insight                                          
Was not working right,                                      
So frauds slipped by him and the rest.                      
                                                            
58659 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Ann Onamoose             



But long before Hickster came Joe,                          
The greatest con since Christ, the myth goes.               
He wrote up a book                                          
Which he claims was took                                    
From the ground, which we all know ain't so.                
                                                            
58660 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Ann Onamoose             



His Mom who he greatly adored,                              
Said he knew of the Nephites before                         
The tomes were unearthed,                                   
So we must look down with mirth                             
On all who claim plates from the Lord.                      
                                                            
58661 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Ann Onamoose             



Though multiple wives are now shunned,                      
It was once thought an honor for one                        
To have many girls                                          
For celestial worlds                                        
And telestial love, could be fun.                           
                                                            
58662 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Ann Onamoose             



At least a tenth of our increase                            
Should go to the Lord, so don't cease                       
From donating cash                                          
Which quickly is stashed...                                 
I mean consecrated, not fleeced!                            
                                                            
58663 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Ann Onamoose             



I walked to the Temple, on air,                             
While bulldozers were flanking The Square;                  
Their job was to prove                                      
That money could move                                       
Any pulic place into their lair.                            
                                                            
58664 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Twisted Sisters          



I sipped me a brewski or two,                               
But was told it's a thing not to do;                        
The guards came and cursed                                  
But what I found was still worse --                         
Was their breath reeked of Heinekin's, too.                 
                                                            
58665 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Twisted Sisters          



After sunning myself at the side,                           
I decided my skateboard I'd ride;                           
Well, no more did I start                                   
Than I let out a fart,                                      
And was carried away -- but with pride.                     
                                                            
58666 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Twisted Sisters          



I returned just a day after that,                           
With my anti books piled, and I sat;                        
Not much more did I start,                                  
Then again I did fart,                                      
And was cited again just for that.                          
                                                            
58667 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Twisted Sisters          



Well, I no longer go there to read,                         
I've decided these jokers are pee'd,                        
That I have more than they                                  
In the brain smarts, to say --                              
Gordon Hinckley yo're one evil seed.                        
                                                            
58668 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Twisted Sisters          



There was a young fellow of Utah                            
Who five times was a successful suitor.                     
When asked why a quintet?                                   
He replied, "I can't get                                    
Enough of that stuff down at Hooters."                      
                                                            
58669 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Arthur Deex         P0106



There once was a Mormon named Crothers,                     
Who claimed to have three or four mothers,                  
But only one wife,                                          
The love of his life,                                       
But he'd rather have none was his druthers.                 
                                                            
58670 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Bob Birch           P0209



Brigham Young was clever and witty;                         
In his honor I write this small ditty.                      
He indeed was well-wived                                    
His descendants all thrived                                 
And they built that great place, Salt Lake City.            
                                                            
58671 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON                              



A prophet who took peoples' tithes                          
Had a penchant for other mens' wives.                       
He's screw them at night                                    
Taking utter delight                                        
In hoodwinking them with his lies.                          
                                                            
58672 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Exmormon                 



There once was a man from Salt Lake,                        
Whose ideas some said were half-baked.                      
He took ten percent                                         
(Before taxes) and spent                                    
It on things that he knew to be fake.                       
                                                            
58673 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Exmormon                 



Within these arrangements is found,                         
To be happy with just three around,                         
Though quite harmonious,                                    
Seemed parsimonious,                                        
To Mormons, where more might abound.                        
                                                            
58674 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Chris Papa               



The wives of a Mormon physician,                            
Whose numbers quite beggar addition,                        
He just had to keep happy,                                  
So to have enough sap he                                    
Invented the metered emission.                              
                                                            
58675 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Armand E Singer       495



I gave it a try, Mormonism;                                 
Now I'm leaning toward skepticism...                        
Six wives is a lot,                                         
Just oodles of twat,                                        
But I'm running quite low on my jism.                       
                                                            
58676 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     TuttaGioia               



A militant Mormon of Wells                                  
Said, "Decent polygamy quells                               
Lust--'twould bring pious ease                              
Back to the diocese                                         
With the musical peal of ten bells.                         
                                                            
58677 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Aleister Crowley         



Said a Yankee who visited Wells:                            
"Say, these ecclesiastical swells                           
Seem grand at contriving                                    
To manage their swiving                                     
To a musical peal of ten bells."                            
                                                            
58678 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Aleister Crowley         



A bigamous Mornon named Tuttle                              
Has methods that aren't a bit subtle:                       
He keeps his two spouses                                    
In separate houses,                                         
And services both via shuttle.                              
                                                            
58679 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Armand E Singer       535



A rich Chinese Mormon, they say,                            
Had wifes for each hour of the day;                         
When it came time for bed                                   
And for choices, he said,                                   
"I'll take one from Group B, two from A."                   
                                                            
58680 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Evelyn Bogen        P9407



The late Brigham Young was no neuter--                      
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.                            
Where ten thousand virgins                                  
Succumbed to his urgin's                                    
There now stand the great state of Utah.                    
                                                            
58681 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON                         L0328



Pretty ladies in Utah, high strung,                         
Would like to find husbands well-hung.                      
But Brigham decreed                                         
He'd take care of this need,                                
And the pretty girls all marry Young.                       
`I always say Frigham Young - McW)                          
58682 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Al Chaplin          P9509



The bishop was counsel by day,                              
That is how he paid his way.                                
He'd represent you,                                         
Suggest that you sue,                                       
Then praise God Almighty FOR PAY.                           
                                                            
58683 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



The counsel was bishop by night,                            
While hearing me speak of my plight,                        
"I do not believe,                                          
And please don't deceive,                                   
By preaching what's wrong and what's right."                
                                                            
58684 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



The bishop stayed calm and serene.                          
"My boy. you have got to come clean.                        
What sins have you done,                                    
Don't even skip one,                                        
To doubt all the Truth you have seen?"                      
                                                            
58685 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



The bishop surmised even more.                              
"God loves you and gives you a chore.                       
Two years of your youth                                     
Spent telling the truth;                                    
A challenge with blessings to fore."                        
                                                            
58686 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



"But wait," I exclaimed anxiously.                          
"My heart and my soul do not see                            
How God's rightous hand                                     
Could deny to this land                                     
Amendments for equality!"                                   
                                                            
58687 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



Bishop did calmly continue,                                 
"The ladies will get their fair due.                        
In Heaven and Earth,                                        
In glory and mirth,                                         
But restrooms will separate you."                           
                                                            
58688 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



Division of gender divine,                                  
So say the sources of mine.                                 
Equal the glory;                                            
Separate the story;                                         
The ERA is Satan's line.                                    
                                                            
58689 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



Dismayed and confused, my head shook.                       
I wondered how I had mistook                                
This mental fission                                         
In Mormon mission,                                          
For stories heard from the Good Book.                       
                                                            
58690 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



I got up and said, "Very well.                              
I'll return to jack mormon hell,                            
Where I'll spend two years                                  
Consuming cold beers,                                       
Learning to think and to spell."                            
                                                            
58691 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



"And no," I continued to speak,                             
"Self-righteousness ain't what I seek.                      
Also, my gender,                                            
Ain't reason to render                                      
All women so lowly and meek."                               
                                                            
58692 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



I walked away feeling more free,                            
But desperately needing to pee.                             
Before my encounter                                         
With bishop "Resounder",                                    
I drank me some Coors, one, two, three.                     
                                                            
58693 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     H20Proof                 



Said a certain young fellow from Utah,                      
"I've a girl, but I don't seem to suitah.                   
I am tall, I am wise,                                       
I've got lovely blue eyes;                                  
And in matters of sex, I am neutah."                        
                                                            
58694 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Isaac Asimov             



There once was a guy name of Norman;                        
Retired from life as a corpsman.                            
He wanted three wives                                       
To tend his bee hives.                                      
"I think I will become a Mormon."                           
                                                            
58695 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Marlene                  



He took the lessons required;                               
His heart was truly inspired.                               
He didn't listen;                                           
Something was missin'.                                      
The rule about wives was retired.                           
                                                            
58696 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Marlene                  



He found he could only have one.                            
He said, "I've already begun                                
To court beekeepers                                         
For honey reapers.                                          
I'll be Moslem before this is done!"                        
                                                            
58697 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Marlene                  



The preacher was right full of heat,                        
As he called on his people to beat                          
The temptations they face                                   
By taking God's grace,                                      
And so had Mormon saints on their feet!                     
                                                            
58698 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Bill Doern               



I dated a young girl from Parowan.                          
Of lovliness she was a paragon.                             
I had mission hopes                                         
So avoided the gropes                                       
And we certainly never did get it on.                       
                                                            
58699 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Yossarian                



When I got to my mission far away,                          
I met an elder from the same town one day.                  
I asked, "Do you know her?"                                 
He said, "Do I know her?                                    
Of course I do; she's my fiance!"                           
                                                            
58700 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Yossarian                



A Latter Day Saints fundamentalist,                         
Not content to me merely a bigamist,                        
Continued to wive                                           
Until he had five --                                        
Now he's a convicted polygamist.                            
                                                            
58701 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Dr Limerick  05-19-01    



They said they would cut out my tongue                      
Or cover my body with dung,                                 
And I'd live with a curse                                   
For writing such verse...                                   
I'd rather, of course, to be hung.                          
                                                            
58702 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Bob Birch           P0209



Larita, Lavina, Larae;                                      
These are odd names, you might say.                         
The women who wear 'em                                      
Must live in a harem                                        
Of DeLos, DeLamar, or DelRay.                               
                                                            
58703 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Yossarian                



"If given the choice of my druthers,"                       
Said a henpecked young fellow named Cruthers,               
"I'd relinquish my wife                                     
For a much better life,                                     
And be dating a bevy of others."                            
                                                            
58704 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MORMON     Cap'n Bean          P0209



If you haven't been Islam aware,                            
Now's the time to show that you care.                       
Kick off both your shoes;                                   
Pour away all your booze;                                   
I'm sure they've some places to spare.                      
                                                            
58705 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Tony Burrell             



It's the week to be Islam aware;                            
You didn't know they were there?                            
I hear that Kabul                                           
Is completely full.                                         
We're bombing them now from the air.                        
                                                            
58706 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Tony Burrell             



If you ever should greet a relation                         
With anything less than elation,                            
You're considered a ham;                                    
But I don't give a damn                                     
Allah often competes with temptation.                       
                                                            
58707 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Baxter Sperry       P0111



Every mosque shall have a Disney Day.                       
Thou shalt eat McDonalds, we say.                           
Tell Bin Laden jokes,                                       
Buy all the kids cokes;                                     
That's Islam the American way.                              
                                                            
58708 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Antony Burrell           



Everyday shall be Groundhog Day;                            
George Jones and Tammy will play.                           
Don't you be meanies;                                       
Make girls wear bikinis,                                    
And take dope the American way.                             
                                                            
58709 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Antony Burrell           



First we'll teach you how to kick ass,                      
Then we'll teach you how to smoke grass,                    
Just like in Viet Nam                                       
Didn't do any harm;                                         
By the way, we will want all your gas.                      
                                                            
58710 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Antony Burrell           



What Uncle Sam's really saying:                             
You gotta cut out all that praying.                         
Just let it hang loose                                      
Like an old burnoose;                                       
Yank tourists are coming -- and staying!                    
                                                            
58711 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Antony Burrell           



You'll learn to use language that's vile;                   
All your betters, you'll learn to revile.                   
With Hollywood's urgin's,                                   
They'll be no more virgins,                                 
Or anything left to defile.                                 
                                                            
58712 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     John Miller              



You'll drink 'till you're drunk as a skunk;                 
Buy goods that are mostly sad junk.                         
You'll forget paradise;                                     
Drink rum Cola with ice,                                    
And orgy six kids to a bunk.                                
                                                            
58713 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     John Miller              



If you're young, you'll be taught it's not cool             
To be cultured.  In fact, as a rule,                        
If smart, you'll play dumb                                  
And the one rule of thumb                                   
Is a person with honor's a fool.                            
                                                            
58714 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     John Miller              



Pretty soon you'll be saddled with debt;                    
When questioned, you'll say, "It's no sweat,                
There's Chapter Eleven."                                    
And you'll know that heaven                                 
Is the getting of all you can get.                          
                                                            
58715 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     John Miller              



When you're old, you'll be sadly neglected,                 
Forgotton and seldom respected.                             
In a home for the old,                                      
Where your kin are all told                                 
That it's fine, 'cause it's governent inspected.            
                                                            
58716 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     John Miller              



Faith in HOURIS is a mystic                                 
Man-centric tenet simplistic,                               
Of just a small band                                        
With evil, black hand,                                      
And inclinations atavistic.                                 
                                                            
58717 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Daniel Ford              



TO TRADE: Vintage Coca Cola                                 
And mementoes from Iran's old Shah                          
For aircraft and tanks.                                     
You can earn Allah's thanks                                 
Plus big bucks. Reply, Ayatollah.                           
                                                            
58718 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Arthur Deex         P8703



Could the reason the old Ayatollah                          
Has a temper like that of a pollah                          
Bear be, he's in pain                                       
From a clot on the brain,                                   
Or, perhaps, from a festering mollah?                       
(mollah - variant of mullah, the caller to prayer)          
58719 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Robin K. Willoughby P8407



Could I live for a year without liquor?                     
If I had four wives they would bicker.                      
No thank you, Islam,                                        
I shall stay what I am.                                     
Bloody Marys than water are thicker.                        
                                                            
58720 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Laurence Perrine    P8407



Mohammed Omar, the Mullah,                                  
At a gin joint, is dropping some moolah.                    
And hittin' on gash                                         
To do it for cash.                                          
He's in pretty deep shit with Allah!                        
                                                            
58721 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM                              



An old Persian thug, to instill                             
His assassins with fury to kill,                            
Fed them Hashish. Today                                     
Ayatollah, they say,                                        
Lets religion alone fill the bill.                          
                                                            
58722 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     A. N. Wilkins       P8803



So what, I sincerely wonder,                                
Would tempt a female to blunder,                            
And blow people up                                          
Then find in her cup,                                       
Seventy HOURIS but nary a man there.                        
                                                            
58723 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Esther Hecht             



A chic sheik from Azerbaijan                                
Took a porno-film out of the can;                           
His harem girls, piqued,                                    
Took a peek and then shreiked,                              
"There's our bare-cheeked sheik wrapped in Saran!"          
                                                            
58724 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Robin K. Willoughby P8407



His ladies were not overjoyed                               
With the sheik's feats on hot celluloid,                    
So they stuck him in sand                                   
With a stern reprimand.                                     
Now he needs an appointment with Freud.                     
(Since his sex-life's completely destroyed.)                
58725 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Robin K. Willoughby P8407



An impassioned Emir named Abdul                             
Ran a harem with only one rule:                             
If a part became loose                                      
Or exhausted from use,                                      
It was HE did repairs with his tool.                        
                                                            
58726 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



A virtuous Muslim named Akbar                               
Met a hussy one day in a snackbar;                          
He commenced his decline                                    
When she fed him white wine --                              
That's him, passed out under the back bar!                  
                                                            
58727 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Robin K. Willoughby P8407



A satisfied sheikh in Bahrain                               
Exultantly sang this refrain:                               
"Hurrah and Hosanna,                                        
My crowded zenana                                           
Has houris I seldom disdain!"                               
(zenana - part of the house for the harem and wives)        
58728 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Philo Logue         P8407



The Muslims believe the divine,                             
As reward for a life that's benign,                         
On the heavenly shore,                                      
Provides houris galore                                      
Whose pubes are silken and fine.                            
                                                            
58729 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     A. N. Wilkins       P8602



Since their onset, the Cross and the Crescent               
Have made life for each other unpleasant.                   
Both worship a Lord                                         
Of Peace and Accord.                                        
Yet their warring's been almost incessant!                  
                                                            
58730 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Laurence Perrine    P8407



A jaded young jerk from Jerusalem                           
Had a stunt that would always bambusalem:                   
He would point with his pecca                               
Directly toward Mecca,                                      
And pretend he was really a Musalem.                        
                                                            
58731 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Norm Storer         P9603



During Ramadan, Jabbar un Creased                           
Manifested, "The Mark of the Beast."                        
Allah, with his mean tricks,                                
Marked him with 666.                                        
He could not flop down nor face the East.                   
                                                            
58732 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



During Ramadan, Jabbar un Creased                           
Manifested, "The Mark of the Beast."                        
Allah, with his mean tricks,                                
Marked him with 666.                                        
He could not flop down nor face the East.                   
                                                            
58733 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Loren Fitzhugh      P0201



A muslim by name of Jaffar,                                 
Into his penis, stuck a crowbar.                            
He said, "Walking's not easy.                               
Ramadan's left me queasy,                                   
Now I must go to Mecca in a car."                           
                                                            
58734 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM                              



To wed four wives at once is Islamic,                       
And yet, on the whole, not so comic.                        
To satisfy four,                                            
Is a bone-breaking chore,                                   
Unless your sex drive is atomic.                            
                                                            
58735 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Isaac Asimov             



There was an eccentric from Mecca,                          
Who discovered a record from Decca,                         
Which he twirled on his thumb,                              
(These Muslims are dumb.)                                   
While he needled the disc with his pecca.                   
                                                            
58736 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM                         L1480



With his treatment of Allah, it's odd                       
That Saddam Hussein tries to prod                           
Those Moslem fanatics                                       
And the grim theocratics,                                   
The Shiites to stage a jihad.                               
                                                            
58737 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     A. N. Wilkins       P9105



As guests in a Muslim society,                              
Our troops lived with distressing propriety.                
Little sex for the body                                     
In that Kingdom Of Saudi,                                   
But what bugged them most was sobriety.                     
                                                            
58738 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     A. N. Wilkins       P9104



Masochistic, sadistic, Iran                                 
Will conqueer the world if it can.                          
It won't bend, not a smidgen,                               
It's all for religion,                                      
Ayatollah, it's part of the plan.                           
                                                            
58739 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Ann Gasser          P8712



Good Muslims must never drink booze                         
Or eat pork; they must take off their shoes                 
In the mosque; they must pray                               
About ten times a day;                                      
They can have several wives if they choose.                 
                                                            
58740 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Robin K. Willoughby P8407



The wife-business does have a snag;                         
They risk ending up with a hag;                             
It's like "Let's Make A Deal,"                              
Lots of guesswork; you see, all                             
The women are hid in a bag.                                 
                                                            
58741 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Robin K. Willoughby P8407



The Moslems are very dynamic,                               
Enjoying rites epithalamic.    (nuptual)                    
With multiple wives,                                        
They screw all their lives;                                 
Three cheers for all laws polygamic.                        
                                                            
58742 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Armand E Singer       405



To Mecca young Ali would bend,                              
When at morning prayers with his friend,                    
Who was one of "those" guys,                                
And to no one's surprise,                                   
Found romance right there, in the end.                      
                                                            
58743 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM                              



To the faithful, Koran's holy pages                         
Promise life after death with the sages.                    
And Allah be blessed,                                       
The bravest and best                                        
Screw houris throughout countless ages.                     
                                                            
58744 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     A. N. Wilkins       P8710



A recent Miss Nude of Afghanistan                           
Wore a burkha because of the Taliban.                       
But one day she forgot                                      
And paid dearly when caught:                                
"Twelve Mullahs is more than one gal can stand!"            
                                                            
58745 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Don Moore           P0202



With this ring, my dear, we'll be wed;                      
That's what the old Shi'ite law said.                       
It's soon time expired,                                     
So before you get fired,                                    
We'd better go upstairs to bed.                             
(To evade strict adultry laws, moslems have temp marriages) 
58746 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Tiddy Ogg                



I've first got to phone the muezzin;                        
This scheme seems a trifle amazin'.                         
And if it is true,                                          
I'm coming for you,                                         
And on your nude form I'll be gazin'.                       
                                                            
58747 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Tiddy Ogg                



To keep him from going berserk, a                           
Shi'ite will take off her burkha                            
To better assist                                            
Matrimonial bliss --                                        
The miserable, two-timing furka.                            
                                                            
58748 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Scott C                  



In Egypt, to gladden an Arab,                               
A gem that is shaped like a carob                           
Will satisfy much                                           
To decorate such,                                           
Because it's the same as a scarab.                          
                                                            
58749 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     R. J. Winkler       P8407



It is said in the Arab News Halls,                          
That Kahil the cartoonist lacks balls.                      
If he dares to draw well,                                   
He would wake up in hell,                                   
And his brains would be spread on the walls.                
                                                            
58750 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Tomer Shiran             



Sullen and churly are surly                                 
Young men of dancing dervish whirly,                        
Whose thoughts fanatic                                      
Supply dramatic                                             
Tension to the quest for gates pearly.                      
                                                            
58751 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Danidl Ford              



In a former, less feminist day,                             
Being Sultan could certainly pay;                           
And a perk for the Turk                                     
With a torque to his dork:                                  
There was work for the stork on the way.                    
                                                            
58752 RELIGION - ZOTHER - MUSLIM     Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



Then up spake the young King of Spain,                      
"To fuck and to bugger is pain.                             
But it's not infra dig,                                     
On occasion to frig,                                        
And I do it again and again."                               
                                                            
58753 ROYALTY                        Norman Douglas      L0513



Then spoke the Grand Duke of Lorraine:                      
"Your worries give me a pain.                               
I don't worry at all,                                       
But retire to my hall                                       
And beget new blacks for my train."                         
                                                            
58754 ROYALTY                                            G1054



There was a young man from Peru,                            
Whose lineage was noble all through.                        
Now this isn't crud,                                        
For not only his blood,                                     
But even his semen was blue.                                
                                                            
58755 ROYALTY                                            L1727



A prince with a temper outrageous                           
Had a palace replete with young pages.                      
They were used for skulduggery                              
And much Royal buggery,                                     
And he castrated some in his rages.                         
                                                            
58756 ROYALTY                                            G1029



When the Queen asked the King if he'd prick it,             
He spent too little time in her thicket.                    
The Queen moaned in despair                                 
For the itch was still there.                               
Said the King, "Call the Pope -- he will lick it."          
                                                            
58757 ROYALTY                        Albin Chaplin   3024-0869



There once was a family royal                               
Whose original name had been Doyle.                         
They enraged all of Eire                                    
When they changed to McFire,                                
Which wasn't according to Hoyle.                            
                                                            
58758 ROYALTY                        Neal Wilgus         P8308



To royalty (may it prevail),                                
My loyalty never shall fail.                                
I hail it with zest --                                      
But the kind I like best                                    
Is the kind comes ad-dressed in my mail.                    
                                                            
58759 ROYALTY                        Laurence Perrine    P8308



In red velvet robes, forty ells.                            
My form would be greeted with yells,                        
The Lord Chamberlain, Great,                                
Will excape such a fate,                                    
Because he is one of the swells.                            
                                                            
58760 ROYALTY                        Langford Reed       P9401



Royal pajamas, I likewise admit,                            
Wouldn't suit my appearance a bit;                          
But the Marquess of Cholmondeley                            
Is bound to look colmondeley,                               
Providing, of course, that they fit.                        
                                                            
58761 ROYALTY                        Langford Reed       P9401



In Finland are two royal Finns,                             
True bluebloods from toes to their chins;                   
Nine months after she                                       
Said, "We'll have progeny,"                                 
Her blue genes split and she had twins.                     
                                                            
58762 ROYALTY                        Evelyn Bogen        P9404



The King caused a public sensation,                         
By fucking the Queen in the station.                        
Said he, "No effront'ry!                                    
The King of a country                                       
Must surely provide demonstration!"                         
                                                            
58763 ROYALTY                        Lance Payne         P8308



The Royalty gathered for tea                                
And to honor the new Holy See.                              
Between belching and farts                                  
They discussed the fine arts,                               
Then they went on a mad fucking spree.                      
                                                            
58764 ROYALTY                        Albin Chaplin   3024-2329



While taking an unsung meander,                             
Discovering what's good for the gander,                     
Ain't good for the goose,                                   
(Who lacks a prepuce)                                       
Save, arousing his majesty's dander.                        
                                                            
58765 ROYALTY                                                 



As the Princess went climbing in Worcestershire,            
She asked an attendant to borcesterhire. (boost her higher) 
Well, he botched the whole thing                            
And exclaimed to the King,                                  
"Omigod, I'm afraid that I've gorcestersire."               
                                                            
58766 ROYALTY                        Norm Storer              



A quite oversized man from Shanaxi                          
Was the origin of the, well, Hung-Dynasty.                  
It did never grow big,                                      
But his personal rig                                        
Was referred to as "His Majesty".                           
                                                            
58767 ROYALTY                                                 



And HUNG-LO and HUNG-DOWN and HUNG-THRU,                    
But of course those you already knew.                       
There were others also                                      
On the banks of the PO,                                     
Called FU-KIM, FU-KU & FU-KU-TU                             
                                                            
58768 ROYALTY                                                 



The Inca, in ruling Peru,                                   
Had really but little to do.                                
Supplied with fresh virgins,                                
He'd assuage his sex urgin's,                               
And spent life in a perpetual screw.                        
                                                            
58769 ROYALTY                                            G0718



When the Inca found virgins grew rare,                      
There were always fresh llamas, or bear!                    
What prudes viewed as bestial,                              
He declared was celestial,                                  
And fucked every hole in his paradise terrestial            
                                                            
58770 ROYALTY                                            G0719



In erection within the royal palace,                        
The Inca, with incaic malice,                               
Would bugger his wives                                      
Till they broke out in hives,                               
And his Regal Pud grew a great callus.                      
                                                            
58771 ROYALTY                                            G0720



Whoever said "No" to the Inca                               
Was flung in a crater extinca,                              
Leaving behind genitalia                                    
To adorn his regalia.                                       
The Inca was really a stinca.                               
                                                            
58772 ROYALTY                                            G0721



The Kings of Peru were the Incas,                           
Who were known far and wide as great drincas.               
They worshipped the sun,                                    
And had lots of fun,                                        
But the peons all thought them great stincas.               
                                                            
58773 ROYALTY                        Reed Warsham             



There was a great lord in Japan,                            
Whose name on a Tuesday began.                              
It carried through Sunday,                                  
Till twilight on Monday,                                    
And sounded like stones in a can.                           
                                                            
58774 ROYALTY                                                 



On opening day King Juan Carlos                             
Started his speech with some "OH-OH's."                     
Hissed his aide from Madrid,                                
"Now look what you did--                                    
You've just read the Olympic logos!"                        
                                                            
58775 ROYALTY                        Arthur Deex         P9201



In the palace, the princess, unclad,                        
Had guests every day at her pad.                            
They were very discrete                                     
Beneath the bedsheet;                                       
The kids don't resemble their dad!                          
                                                            
58776 ROYALTY                        Al Willis           T9712



An elderly harlot from Trings                               
Has fucked the last four Spanish kings.                     
Says she, "They're all short,                               
And no good at the sport,                                   
But the queen is a lezzie, and swings."                     
                                                            
58777 ROYALTY                                            G0781



The British tabloids are abuzzin'                           
About the Royals who marry a cousin.                        
How many times before                                       
Did royal cousins score?                                    
The answer is over a dozen.                                 
                                                            
58778 ROYALTY                        Tom Patton          P0207



Some cousins who wear royal crest                           
Often marry and screw with great zest.                      
Mother nature they dare;                                    
Are attended with care                                      
And with idiot children are blessed.                        
                                                            
58779 ROYALTY                        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



When cousins of royal blood marry,                          
The genes they supply may not vary.                         
When recessives are double,                                 
They're in for big trouble;                                 
Explaining the moron King Harry.                            
                                                            
58780 ROYALTY                        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



When Wilhelm, the crown prince of Prussia                   
Wed his cousin, the princess of Russia                      
The loving happy pair                                       
Produced a royal heir                                       
Who got scratched and he bled like a gusher                 
                                                            
58781 ROYALTY                        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



When incest occurs between royals,                          
Mother nature's intention it foils.                         
Results of such marriage                                    
Often prelude miscarriage,                                  
Crazy boys or black beards on the goils                     
                                                            
58782 ROYALTY                        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



Let's put all the rumors to rest.                           
The Royal family's funny at best.                           
Their infamous screwin'                                     
Led to rack and ruin                                        
By cousins who engaged in incest.                           
                                                            
58783 ROYALTY                        Tom Patton          P0207



Royals treat all our cautions with scorn                    
Cousins marry despite what we warn                          
So when they cohabit                                        
And screw a la rabbit                                       
You never know what will be born                            
                                                            
58784 ROYALTY                        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



When cousins of royal blood wed,                            
They're awaiting their offspring with dread.                
If results or their screwin'                                
Will bring rack and ruin,                                   
Perhaps they should give head instead                       
                                                            
58785 ROYALTY                        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0207



And they asked the Nippon Mikado,                           
A monarch well pinned in bravado,   (should be schooled??)  
If the men of his land                                      
Ever did it by hand,                                        
To which he replied, "Oh my God no!"                        
                                                            
58786 ROYALTY                                            G1057



I fought my way here to the castle.                         
The guard now wants me to arm wrestle.                      
The Prince I must see,                                      
'Cause he will want me.                                     
I find sleeping on peas a hassle.                           
                                                            
58787 ROYALTY                        Marlene Lewis            



Then said the Prince Palatine:                              
"Of course, fornication is fine,                            
But I entertain 'em                                         
Per os et per anum,                                         
A sport I consider divine!"                                 
                                                            
58788 ROYALTY                                            G1050



Prince Henry and Queen Wilhelmina                           
When they'd served as Prince Consort and Queen a            
Full year and a day,                                        
Were so linked they could play                              
A duet on their joint concertina.                           
                                                            
58789 ROYALTY                        Laurence Perrine    P8308



His Lordship is frenziedly plumbing                         
A barmaid whose pussy is humming!                           
Since he pleasured her twat                                 
With the first wad he shot,                                 
She'll rejoice at the Lord's second coming!                 
                                                            
58790 ROYALTY                        Lims Hist & Hyst    P9310



A prince is not taken for granted;                          
I was swept off my feet and enchanted.                      
He was a good chum;                                         
He said he would come;                                      
Thus was a seed there implanted.                            
                                                            
58791 ROYALTY                        Jim Weaver Collection    



The prick of the Shah of Iran                               
Was so big that all world rulers ran,                       
For to save ass was smarter.                                
Said a man, a bold martyr,                                  
"Up the ass or to suck it, I can."                          
                                                            
58792 ROYALTY                        Albin Chaplin   3024-0482



Said the King, "What's that smell that I smell?             
Is it lobster or crab in the shell?"                        
And he knew that the Queen                                  
Was now coming clean                                        
When she giggled and said, "Go to Hell!"                    
                                                            
58793 ROYALTY                        Neal Wilgus         P8308



Then arose King Alphonso of Spain,                          
A monarch both haughty and vain:                            
"When a woman comes nigh,                                   
I take Spanish fly,                                         
And I jazz her again and again!"                            
                                                            
58794 ROYALTY                                            G1047



Said the King to the Queen, "I am pissed,                   
For my fist goes right in to the wrist.                     
I have not fucked a whore                                   
With so mammoth a bore,                                     
And loose women are high on my list."                       
                                                            
58795 ROYALTY                        Albin Chaplin   3024-0579



A Walachian ruler named Vlad                                
Practiced rituals we would deem odd.                        
For a crime where we'd jail 'em,                            
He preferred to impale 'em.                                 
In its day, though, the custom was mod.                     
                                                            
58796 ROYALTY                        Cybergeezer              



Our scribe writes with delicate malice                      
Of scandalous trysts in the palace;                         
Of the covert romances,                                     
Lascivious glaces,                                          
Lewd dances, nude boys and wild galas.                      
                                                            
58797 ROYALTY                        Lance Payne         P8308



There once was a Monarch of Spain,                          
Who was terribly haughty and vain.                          
When women were nigh,                                       
He'd unbutton his fly,                                      
And screw them with signs of disdain.                       
                                                            
58798 ROYALTY                        Anon                L1540



The royal family in England is odd.                         
It's really small wonder, by God!                           
That the Queen prefers horses,                              
Aunt Margaret divorces,                                     
And Charles has the elan of a cod.                          
                                                            
58799 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



Or that hats are the Grandmother's thing,                   
And Granduncle Edward refused to be king.                   
It's a strange family tree,                                 
And below you will see                                      
It dates back to the first Atheling.                        
                                                            
58800 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



Henry II, the first Plantagenet,                            
Is one DNA won't forget.                                    
His French Queen, Eleanor                                   
Gave him sons (there were four)                             
Who grew up to cause him regret.                            
                                                            
58801 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



As ancestors they're quite a quartet.                       
John's treason reverbrates yet.                             
Young Henry revolted,                                       
Geoff plotted and bolted,                                   
And Blondel was Richard's sexual pet.                       
                                                            
58802 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



Not the least of their family tree                          
Is dastardly Richard the Three.                             
The commoner winces                                         
What he did to their Princes                                
Between 10 and 4 o'clock tea.                               
                                                            
58803 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



On one branch there is Henry the Eight,                     
Who determined poor Thomas More's fate.                     
He'd a thing about heads                                    
And played musical beds,                                    
And got gout when he put on the weight.                     
                                                            
58804 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



Then later came good old Queen Bess,                        
Her sexual habits, we guess.                                
In a royal red snit,                                        
She finally saw fit,                                        
To terminate Mary's distress.                               
                                                            
58805 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



With that history it's not hard to see                      
Why there's quirks in the Brit's royalty.                   
It's simply bad genes,                                      
Passed along through their Queens,                          
That accounts for their odd progeny.                        
                                                            
58806 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              June Sullivan       P8511



When King John saw the literate wright                      
He sputtered, "It's simply not right!                       
Churls who shape wood or latten                             
Should not study Latin.                                     
The fellow can actually write!"                             
                                                            
58807 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              A. N. Wilkins       P9112



The Queen and the Duke were dismayed                        
To find Andy and Koo had once played.                       
As for Charlie and Ed,                                      
Well, enough has been said,                                 
'Bout the damsels that they might have laid.                
                                                            
58808 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Les Herran               



A courtier, in dazzling array,                              
Screwed the Queen (Anne Boleyn) one fine day.               
He got little credit.                                       
He was promptly beheaded,                                   
For the clear crime of 'lays majeste'.                      
                                                            
58809 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Isaac Asimov             



In that old Royal Castle, Balmoral,                         
Before there was writing to store all                       
They knew about sex,                                        
Every scholar suspects                                      
That their sexual history was oral.                         
                                                            
58810 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              John E Mayhood      P0203



Inflation, it's sad to relate,                              
Has now reached the head of the state.                      
There's no sentry to pass,                                  
Just marquees on the grass,                                 
And a big 'B-and-B' on the gate.                            
                                                            
58811 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Anon                     



The Postmaster-General cried: "Arsehole!                    
A pair of bull's balls in a parcel!                         
Stamped I.R.A.,                                             
With nine-pence to pay,                                     
And addressed to the King, Windsor Castle!"                 
                                                            
58812 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Victor Gray              



A lady who lived near Lock Ness                             
Was asked in a quiz: "Can you guess                         
The Queen's favorite tune?"                                 
She ventured: 'Blue Moon?'                                  
But the answer was "Corgi and Bess'.                        
                                                            
58813 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Ron Rubin                



After Windsor's Duke eschewed his spot,                     
Hitler promised he'd help him a lot.                        
But the Duke spent the war                                  
As the Bahamas' Czar,                                       
And is now known for naught but his knot.                   
                                                            
58814 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Loren Fitzhugh      P0107



"No more mistresses", King Edward said,                     
"Now gardening's my hobby instead.                          
Now, don't think this silly,                                
I've got this nice Jersey Lily,                             
All ready to put in a bed."                                 
                                                            
58815 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Frank Richards           



There was a young monarch named Ed,                         
Who took Mrs. Simpson to bed.                               
As the bounced up and down,                                 
He said, "Bugger the crown!                                 
We'll give it to Albert instead."                           
                                                            
58816 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              E O Parrot         LG0058



That randy old Edward of Wales                              
Christened those underground rails...                       
Then looking about                                          
Frowned, "Of girls there's a drought...                     
I'm off for some ales and split-tails!"                     
                                                            
58817 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              TuttaGioia               



To be a Scots king, said the scroll,                        
The Stone of Scone is your goal.                            
Now Edward the First                                        
For such had a thirst,                                      
And went in for both rock and role.                         
                                                            
58818 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              History Pun Chimera P0108



As a sample of royal duplicity,                             
There is Edward VII lubricity:                              
Understaffed, overstuffed,                                  
And infrequently muffed,                                    
He was forced to resort to publicity.                       
                                                            
58819 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Thomas A. Quinine   P8601



Many Kings of England have been great,                      
But not Edward Seven or Eight.                              
Seven was a roue,                                           
Number Eight threw away                                     
His throne for a social playmate.                           
                                                            
58820 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Warrick Elrod            



There was a young Duchess called Fergie,                    
Who came down with a touch of allergy.                      
When Andrew came home,                                      
He slipped her a bone,                                      
Which his mother had meant for a curgie.                    
                                                            
58821 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Bill Wall                



It's rumored the queen's newest hobby                       
Is sitting in Buckingham's lobby,                           
Each night in the nude,                                     
Enjoying acts lewd,                                         
Like fondling the crotch of a bobby.                        
                                                            
58822 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



Don't know, but I'm willing to bet                          
She fancied the Bobby's helmet.                             
On many a night                                             
Arresting this sight,                                       
Left many a Guardsman quite wet.                            
                                                            
58823 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



The King must have been off his trolley;                    
He gave up his throne for his Wally.                        
She concealed her woo-woo                                   
And her tits were just two;                                 
But she must have had something, by golly!                  
                                                            
58824 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Al Willis           T9712



His bubble about to just burst,                             
George second was feeling the thirst                        
Of unbridled power,                                         
But will sit and glower                                     
While wishing he was George the first.                      
                                                            
58825 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



Of the Georges, it's thought that the first,                
Although bad, was by no means the worst.                    
The third one is reckoned                                   
Much worse that the second,                                 
And the second much worse that the first.                   
                                                            
58826 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



Said the OAP: "Christ, how obscene!                         
Eight million a year for the queen!                         
If you'd like to ask me --                                  
Now we're in the EC,                                        
We should borrow a spare guillotine."                       
(OAP - old age pensioner)                                   
58827 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Tony Davie Collection    



One Shoppe sold to the royalty scene                        
So the rival Shoppe, just to be mean,                       
Had erected a sign                                          
Having one simple line,                                     
With their rival's name: God Save The Queen!                
                                                            
58828 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Michael Polo        P8605



The nation rejoices or mourns                               
As this happy or somber day dawns.                          
Our eyes will be wet                                        
As we sit 'round the set,                                   
Neglecting our flowers and lawns.                           
                                                            
58829 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Wendy Cope               



As her Majesty rides past the crowd,                        
They'll be silent or cheer very loud.                       
But whatever they do,                                       
It's undoubtedly true,                                      
That they'll feel patriotic and proud.                      
                                                            
58830 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Wendy Cope               



In Dundee and Penzance and Ealing,                          
We're inbued with appropriate feeling:                      
We're British and loyal,                                    
And love every royal,                                       
And tonight we shall drink till we're reeling.              
                                                            
58831 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Wendy Cope               



King Harold said, "Oh my, Oh my!                            
Is that a fly flown in my eye?"                             
"Oh you silly king,                                         
It's a pointy type thing;                                   
The good news it has lanced your sty."                      
                                                            
58832 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Tony Burrell             



Harold's page said, "Sire, I fear                           
You've been struck by a dart in the ear."                   
Said the King, "Don't know why                              
The pain's in my eye."                                      
Said the jester, "Do you want see or hear?"                 
                                                            
58833 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Tony Burrell             



"Both are prefered," said our Harry.                        
"A wound is a hard thing to carry."                         
Said the page, "By my trothe,                               
I think it's got both.                                      
But I don't think you have much to worry."                  
                                                            
58834 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Tony Burrell             



Said the King, "Are things going our way?"                  
Replied Page, "I don't care to say --                       
But about my wages,                                         
Ain't had none for ages.                                    
I don't think you'll be around to pay."                     
                                                            
58835 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Tony Burrell             



Said William with a loud Norman curse,                      
"Boy, things here will only get worse.                      
Don't get in my way                                         
If you expect pay.                                          
I've got short arms and a very deep purse."                 
                                                            
58836 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Tony Burrell             



King of England, Henry the 1st                              
After eating some spicy bratwurst,                          
Said: "We thought for a 2nd                                 
It was juicy; we reckoned                                   
We would eat it to lower our 3st"                           
                                                            
58837 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Graig Gigol              



Lady Di has the Windsors in states,                         
For they always put up with their mates.                    
In fact, young Queen Lizzie                                 
Made her Phillip quite dizzy,                               
Saying, "The hole of England awaits!"                       
                                                            
58838 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              CB                       



King John was a robber and raper,                           
Until his Runnymede caper.                                  
"To make it all clear,"                                     
Said the barons, "sign here --                              
With a John you've got to have paper."                      
                                                            
58839 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              History Pun Chimera P0108



King Billy cried out at the Boyne,                          
"I have won and the victory is moyne!"                      
With a scandalous yelp,                                     
James the Second cried, "Help!                              
Call the cops! Nine-one-one! Got a coin?"                   
                                                            
58840 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Arthur Deex         P9602



Said King George to Queen Mary, "Regina,                    
It's a month since I felt your vagina."                     
Said the Queen, "Well my dear,                              
I'm in bed, and it's here,                                  
And the wait makes it all the deviner."                     
                                                            
58841 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Jim Weaver Collection    



King John, from his throne in the palace,                   
Employed such a marvelous phallus                           
That he diddled three slaves,                               
Six maids and two knaves                                    
And serenely sipped wine from a chalice.                    
                                                            
58842 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              John Miller              



When King John died, few men shed a tear,                   
And the peasants had reason to cheer.                       
The funeral planned                                         
Was so costly and grand,                                    
It took ten men to carry the beer.                          
                                                            
58843 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              A. N. Wilkins       P9506



A king dining in Canterbury                                 
Went rushing around in a hurry,                             
Crying, "My realm for cold beer,                            
Since of burning I fear,                                    
From eating this hot Indian curry."                         
                                                            
58844 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Warrick Elrod            



King Richard, in one of his rages,                          
Forsook his good lady for ages,                             
And rested in bed                                           
With a good book instead,                                   
Or preferably one of the pages.                             
                                                            
58845 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              A. B. Hall          P9706



King Richard was called Lionheart,                          
But he fell for a sixpenny tart.                            
The girl herself said,                                      
When he crawled in her bed,                                 
That the best he could do was to fart.                      
                                                            
58846 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



You're the ruler of waves, say you so?                      
No, no, Britannia, go slow!                                 
Recall King Canute                                          
Who once tried to do't,                                     
And what the results you well know.                         
                                                            
58847 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Laurence Perrine    P8605



The king, a cross-dresser from diapers,                     
Would then dance as though bitten by vipers.                
At the end of each day,                                     
He'd command his valet,                                     
To bring him his slip and his pipers.                       
                                                            
58848 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Bob Giandomenico    P0312



The Brits call everything Royal,                            
But this, it makes my butt broil;                           
I bought Rosie a draft,                                     
And got the Royal Shaft;                                    
I'm backed up with princely love oil.                       
                                                            
58849 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



On Mary the proud queen of Scots,                           
Regarding her anti-Liz plots,                               
Elizabeth said,                                             
"If I chop her head,                                        
I'll separate her from her thoughts."                       
                                                            
58850 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Irving Superior     P9401



There was a small boy wrote: "Dear Queen,                   
Aren't you on holiday near Aberdeen?                        
Could I come to stay?                                       
It's not far away.                                          
Declining would be terribly mean."                          
                                                            
58851 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



Those "Royals" seem far out of touch                        
With all of the riches they clutch.                         
Perhaps I'm incorrect.                                      
They'll prefail, I suspect.                                 
Much ado about not very much.                               
                                                            
58852 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



Said the Queen to the King, "Beg your pardon, er,           
It appears that your prick needs a hardener."               
Said the King, "I'm afraid,                                 
If you want to get laid,                                    
You will have to get fucked by the gardener."               
                                                            
58853 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Albin Chaplin   3024-0288



Said the Duke to the Queen, "I will bring                   
Great joy," and he showed her his thing.                    
When the Queen viewed his gear,                             
She said with a sneer,                                      
"You have not enough prick to be king."                     
                                                            
58854 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Albin Chaplin   3024-0060



In the days of Elizabeth Rex                                
There were ways to obnubliate sex;                          
For example, the jerkin                                     
Might encircle a merkin,                                    
In the spot where the smegma collects.                      
(obnubliate - to cloud an area or a mind)                   
58855 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Thomas A Quinine   P8307 



For years I have tried to report                            
The doings at court and in sport.                           
Now my editor's nagging,                                    
My energy's flagging,                                       
And this is my final resort.                                
                                                            
58856 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Laurence Perrine    P8607



'Twas Edward the First that you quoted,                     
As his girlfriend's slack garter he noted.                  
When he tightened the slack                                 
Her foot went slowly black                                  
A legend to her dear devoted.                               
                                                            
58857 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



A Scotsman came from Aberdeen                               
To London to look at the Queen.                             
But he drank so much ale                                    
That at home told a tale                                    
Of the Queen and her twin he had seen.                      
                                                            
58858 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Warrick Elrod            



A drunken old servant named Thor                            
Attacked England's Queen on the floor.                      
The scene that transpired,                                  
By the King was admired,                                    
While the Queen simply shouted, "Encore!"                   
                                                            
58859 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Albin Chaplin   3024-0353



In England, though all of us prize                          
Our freedom," asserted Lord Wise,                           
"There are two things a man                                 
Never thinks of by plan,                                    
And those are," he said, "The Queen's thighs."              
                                                            
58860 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              A. N. Wilkins       P8605



The British with heads full of vapours,                     
Are nutured on most stupid capers.                          
When Her Highness feels fit                                 
For a fart or a shit,                                       
It is plastered in all daily papers.                        
                                                            
58861 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Albin Chaplin   3024-2375



Said King Richard III, "I did fail                          
My crusade and my search for the Grail.                     
I lost these quests holy,                                   
Entirely and wholly                                         
When my horse lost that damned horseshoe nail."             
                                                            
58862 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9612



The royal court, they say, became hushed,                   
And John Lackland, they testify, blushed                    
And seemed likely to burst,                                 
When King Richard the First                                 
Said, "We call the kid John 'cause he's flushed."           
                                                            
58863 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              A. N. Wilkins       P8308



King Richard the Third we malign,                           
To accuse him of evil design.                               
He drowned 'em in malmsey,                                  
But not without qualms -- he                                
Just loved a full-bodied wine.                              
                                                            
58864 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              History Pun Chimera P0108



The Duchess of York never flinches                          
When the king pats her ass and he pinches.                  
For she welcomes a date                                     
From the head of the state;                                 
Every ruler, she knows, has twelve inches.                  
                                                            
58865 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Albin Chaplin   3024-0449



There once was a braw Scottish sentry,                      
Who was standing his post by the entry.                     
When the Queen saw his stature,                             
And yielding to nature,                                     
She soon made him one of the gentry.                        
                                                            
58866 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              John Ciardi              



There was an inn-keeper of Towster,                         
Who was quite an inveterate boaster;                        
He claimed that Queen Bess                                  
Had left her impress                                        
When she slept in his famous four-poster.                   
                                                            
58867 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Harold C. Bibby          



She was known to her subjects as "Highness,"                
But she reigned with unusual shyness.                       
With her words she would stun,                              
Turning thoughts into pun,                                  
And she shocked heads of state with her spryness.           
                                                            
58868 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                       



The infamous Richard the Third                              
Found the fashionable fuck was a bird.                      
The hole of a sparrow,                                      
So dry, pink and narrow,                                    
He oiled up with a hummingbird turd.                        
                                                            
58869 ROYALTY - ENGLAND                                  G1335



While inspecting the Guard at Dundee,                       
The Queen found them spiking their tea.                     
So she told the lieutenants                                 
To make them do pennance--                                  
And they did (it was shocking to see!).                     
                                                            
58870 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Norm Storer              



The folks in Buckingham Palace                              
Bear nobody harm or malice.                                 
Just like you and me,                                       
They all watch TV.                                          
All together now -- DALLAS.                                 
                                                            
58871 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Spike Mulligan           



There was an old harlot of Belfast                          
Whose pussy no longer would sell fast.                      
Said the King, "The whole trouble                           
Is from taking pricks double.                               
From this the Queen's cunt went to hell fast."              
                                                            
58872 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Albin Chaplin   3024-0398



A lady named Wally we've known,                             
With a single cunt hair all alone,                          
Tied a knot neat and slick                                  
Around Edward's prick,                                      
And she pulled the king right off his throne.               
                                                            
58873 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Albin Chaplin   3024-0235



A red-haired police from East Sheen,                        
On royal parades could be seen,                             
Until one fateful day                                       
When his zipper gave way,                                   
And the copper-knob waved to the Queen.                     
                                                            
58874 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Prof                     



A jeweler perused with her loupe                            
A brooch set with stones in a group.                        
She saw with dispair                                        
They weren't something rare,                                
But splashes of Brown Windsor soup.                         
                                                            
58875 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Nick                     



To dashing and handsome Tom Wyatt,                          
Boleyn said, "Hey, want to try it?"                         
Thomas said, "Well...                                       
Oh what the hell!                                           
If Harry gets sore, I'll deny it!"                          
                                                            
58876 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Sansuesi                 



So Anne and Sir Tom shared some bliss                       
As she offered soft lips to his kiss.                       
She said, as her gown                                       
Slipped from shoulders of down,                             
"Dear heart...How do you like this...?"                     
                                                            
58877 ROYALTY - ENGLAND              Sansuesi                 



Charles stopped drinking his beers,                         
When he found all his people in tears.                      
When told of the story                                      
Of Diana and Dodi,                                          
The Prince of Wales was all ears.                           
                                                            
58878 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Darcy                    



The lengthly boring whole MEGILLAH                          
Of Prince Charles and soulmate Camilla,                     
Makes a tedium                                              
Of print medium,                                            
And causes longing for roll vanilla.                        
                                                            
58879 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Daniel Ford              



Wallis Simpson loved Ed number Eight,                       
Causing conflict of Church vs State.                        
Now the same problem gnarls                                 
At Camilla and Charles:                                     
If they wed, should the prince abdicate?                    
                                                            
58880 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Prof M-G           TP9806



"Oh mummy, don't be such a meanie!                          
She'd make such a super nice queenie...                     
Wallis, she's not...                                        
She's a low-mileage twat                                    
And gets off on my weenie though teeny.                     
                                                            
58881 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Tutta Gioia              



Prince Charles should be easy to please,                    
Now that he has his divorce decree.                         
It's no longer a sin to                                     
Have him move into                                          
Camilla Bowles' BVDs.                                       
                                                            
58882 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Malo                     



Prince Charlie has had the full force,                      
Of comments both hurtful and coarse,                        
On account of Camilly,                                      
Who looks like a filly,                                     
But he does love to ride a good horse.                      
                                                            
58883 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Jim Weaver Collection    



Prince Charles, he is fond of a hike                        
Then speaking to a TV "mike"                                
He enjoys his evening strolls                               
With 'Camilla Parker-Bowles':                               
Then he likes to "Roll palace's warm bike!"                 
                                                            
58884 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



Here's bonny Charles, riding his mare,                      
But we note that Camilla's not there!                       
She's back at the palace                                    
And sucking the phallus                                     
Of a stallion named Randy McClare.                          
                                                            
58885 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    CM                       



Camilla's party 'mongst the ladies,                         
Put a smile on the Queen fit for Hades.                     
To heal up the rift,                                        
She gave her a gift --                                      
Trip to France and a nice black Mercedes.                   
                                                            
58886 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    D'Arcy                   



The Prince Royal admitted with sighs                        
His idea of fun wasn't Di's.                                
She'd like vogueing for pics,                               
Whereas he got his kicks                                    
'Twixt Camilla's equestrian thighs.                         
                                                            
58887 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Betty Noire              



In Latvia great consternation                               
As a girl swipes Charles with a carnation.                  
She objects to the war;                                     
That's why she did it for;                                  
They cart her off for interrogation.                        
                                                            
58888 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Tony Burrell             



Now Charles is about five foot six,                         
And not used to such student tricks.                        
But this girl is great                                      
At a huge six foot eight.                                   
Thank goodness she didn't use bricks.                       
                                                            
58889 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Tony Burrell             



Prince Charlie, a man of high station,                      
Has troubles with ejaculation.                              
There is really no cure,                                    
For he spanned pre-mature                                   
To post- during Christmas vacation.                         
                                                            
58890 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Arthur Deex         P8308



The Princess Diana and Charles,                             
Like commoners, must have their quarrels.                   
But to live in the limelight,                               
As to live on a dam site,                                   
By a damn site must dampen their parles.                    
(parle - parley, to bargain - written 1983)                 
58891 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Laurence Perrine    P8308



A royalty bloke name of Charles                             
Had a sex life all snagged full of snarls.                  
He'd do Lady Di                                             
In the blink of an eye,                                     
Which sparked off the bulk of their quarrels.               
                                                            
58892 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Neal Wilgus         P8205



The marriage of Charles and Di                              
Will soon no longer apply.                                  
The divorce date's been set                                 
And all criteria met                                        
To dissolve their betrothal tie.                            
                                                            
58893 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Ron Corlies              



Lady Di and Prince Charles lost their cools,                
Trading crowns for the dunce caps of Fools.                 
Chuck was caught scoring goals                              
With Camilla P. Bowles,                                     
And Diana eschewed his crown jewels!                        
                                                            
58894 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    John Eggerton            



To a monarch unusally fecund,                               
There were countless pudenda which beckoned.                
So in number of lays                                        
He enjoyed in his days,                                     
He was Charles the first rather than second.                
                                                            
58895 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    A. N. Wilkins       P8601



Lady Di pouted, "Pooh! He's inhuman,                        
For he spends all his time with his bloomin'                
Cetacean females.                                           
He's a prince to those whales,                              
But to me he's just Alfred E. Newman.                       
(A E N - idiotic-looking mascot of Mad magazine)            
58896 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Don Moore           P9211



Well that just about sums it up;                            
I reckon that I'd have to sup                               
Some 10 pints of scrumpy                                    
To want rumpy-tumpy,                                        
Before our Camilla I'd tup.                                 
                                                            
58897 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



Prince Charlie fell off of his horse;                       
Hit ground with considerable force.                         
Should he play polo?                                        
Some folks say "Oh, no!"                                    
But others just smile, "Yes, of course!"                    
                                                            
58898 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



Prince Charles at the helm of regency,                      
Could no solitary reason see;                               
To spread not wild oats,                                    
Spared no sheep nor goats;                                  
Had no MODICUM of decency!                                  
                                                            
58899 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Gunjan                   



The Diana tapes are revealing,                              
That Charles is a cad without feeling.                      
The fling with Camilla                                      
With face like Godzilla,                                    
He did a poor job of concealing!                            
                                                            
58900 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Observer                 



Young Harry has now gone to pot;                            
Well, he's one of that royal lot.                           
Charles drank booze when young.                             
He's polluted his son,                                      
And made him an alcohol clot.                               
                                                            
58901 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Tony Burrell             



Queen Elizabeth says she will see                           
Subjects on her Golden Jubilee.                             
That means poor Charlie's fate                              
Is to sit and to wait                                       
To be King in the next century.                             
                                                            
58902 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Warrick Elrod            



Lord Peter's a toffee-nosed fool,                           
Who was sent to an upper-class school;                      
He's too scared to admit                                    
That it isn't a zit                                         
On the face of young Charles, but his tool.                 
                                                            
58903 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



He sniffs round that ghastly Camilla,                       
A haggard and po-faced gorilla.                             
He uses his nose                                            
On account of his hose,                                     
Being hardly sufficient to fill 'er.                        
                                                            
58904 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



But nosing around in the rough                              
Of Camilla's gorilla-like muff                              
Makes his nose strangely angled                             
And causes his strangled                                    
And odd sounding vowels, sure enough.                       
                                                            
58905 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



Prince Charles and Parker-Bowles are such bores!            
Yet, after they fuck on all fours,                          
Camilla lies back with relief,                              
And lets loose a queef,                                     
That reminds Chuck of Mom when she snores.                  
                                                            
58906 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    John Chastaine      T9710



It's said that Prince Charles eats sage;                    
He boils it until it turns beige.                           
The sage he likes most                                      
Is Laurens Van der Post,                                    
Who he keeps in a very small cage.                          
                                                            
58907 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Bill Wall                



Then said Prince Charles of Wales:                          
"I know what marriage entails,                              
So I don't want a girl                                      
But a jolly young Earl,                                     
To solace my passion for males."                            
                                                            
58908 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                        G1048



Poor Charlie, the Prince of Wails,                          
His treatment by the press he bewails.                      
He tries so much                                            
For the common touch,                                       
But not matter how hard, he just fails.                     
                                                            
58909 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Bob                      



Prince Charles in his Welsh principality,                   
Formed a violent left-wing sodality.                        
When asked why this was,                                    
He replied, "It's because                                   
I am sick of the family mentality."                         
(sodality - club, association, fraternity)                  
58910 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Bernard Levin            



There was a young man who'd be king,                        
Who decided to have a spring fling.                         
He called up Camilla                                        
And asked her "Dear, Willya?"                               
But she said "Only if there's a ring."                      
                                                            
58911 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Brown                    



I'd hate to be Princess Di,                                 
Always in the public eye.                                   
Prince Charles thinks it's fine;                            
Hangs his wash on the line.                                 
We all know that Princes can lie.                           
                                                            
58912 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



Rinsed down the drain, t'would be waste.                    
For years the Queen Mum has been chaste.                    
But she gagged on the funk                                  
Of his royalty spunk,                                       
Charles' wad had a shit flavored taste.                     
                                                            
58913 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES                             



Prince Charles talks to plants in his garden;               
He's a twit; we will not beg his pardon.                    
He wants to help in the war;                                
He can, what is more;                                       
We'll swap him for Mr Bin Laden!                            
                                                            
58914 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - CHARLES    Tony Burrell             



That great concrete post almost missed,                     
But speed the driver would insist.                          
She didn't know he was on ales,                             
For 'Diana Princess of Wales'                               
Became: Fine car? Alas, now pissed.                         
                                                            
58915 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA                               



The death of beloved Princess Di                            
Brought a tear to the world's weary eye;                    
Good looking and fun,                                       
A brief ray of sun                                          
In Royalty's dark, cloudly sky.                             
                                                            
58916 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Satori Press             



Wed on TV; died there too!                                  
Her life was just a large zoo,                              
With Chucky the clown                                       
Waiting for his crown;                                      
Oh my, Now what does he do?                                 
                                                            
58917 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



You may call me an evil ogre,                               
But I am willing to be sober                                
About insignificance                                        
Of this woman's events,                                     
And my relief that it's over.                               
                                                            
58918 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



But then I must really decline;                             
Your words are very much too kind.                          
They say she is dead,                                       
And that's what I said;                                     
Get over it...It is about time!                             
                                                            
58919 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



Those pictures of Di were a fraud;                          
If they were real, she'd now be abroad.                     
In any case, Hewitt,                                        
'Twas known that he blew it,                                
Or he'd now be a Prince or a Lord.                          
                                                            
58920 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



Editor says, "It's a hoax!                                  
We publish not just for the jokes,                          
But the grand titillation                                   
Of half of the nation;                                      
Not for girls, but mainly the blokes."                      
                                                            
58921 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



So Di is innocent NOT,                                      
Margaret's temper, they say, is well hot.                   
But thank heavens Camilla                                   
Has not taken the tiller                                    
Of Prince Charles' lil' Royal Yacht.                        
                                                            
58922 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



An overexposed prissy wench,                                
Lived and died in a stench.                                 
She lived in the spotlight,                                 
But then late at night,                                     
Her ride ended up in a crunch.                              
                                                            
58923 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



Diana, the fruit on my screen,                              
Was nothing to me, know what I mean?                        
But a rich twit                                             
Always in a snit;                                           
She's in the ground now, how keen!                          
                                                            
58924 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Princess named Di                          
Who liked a good dick 'tween her thighs.                    
Men pulled from her gash                                    
Just in time for the splash,                                
Which was frequently shot in her eye.                       
                                                            
58925 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



Major Hewitt's no longer engaged:                           
Ex-fiance Ferretti, enraged                                 
Sold his love-letter stash                                  
To a tabloid for cash,                                      
But it won't print Di's words -- scheme upstaged!           
                                                            
58926 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Paul Hoffman             



Diana's brief Royalty fling                                 
Assures her of one future thing;                            
Though she won't wear a crown,                              
She's the toast of the town                                 
Just my name dropping, "My son, The King!"                  
                                                            
58927 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Evelyn Bogen        P9701



Anti-Landmine lady of Britain,                              
By wussy feel-good-ism was taken                            
In a drunken wreck.                                         
So what the heck,                                           
Let the mines fry them all to bacon.                        
                                                            
58928 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



As they screwed on a bed of hard nails,                     
"Woohoo!" said the Princess of Wales.                       
She blew him a kiss;                                        
Said "I've never done this                                  
In top hat, white tie, and tails."                          
                                                            
58929 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Kevin Hale               



Royals and commoners wept                                   
As she was taken to her crypt.                              
Elton's dumb song                                           
Keeps playing along;                                        
Too bad the pallbeares didn't slip.                         
                                                            
58930 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



Princess Di, in unfortunate place,                          
Paparazzi behind giving chase.                              
Said St. Peter in Heaven                                    
"You're number eleven,                                      
Before entering, wipe Merc off your face."                  
                                                            
58931 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Rick Limmer         T9710



Lady Di said, "This is absurd!                              
Charles always has the last word!"                          
So to shake up the Brits,                                   
She uncovered her teats,                                    
And flipped the Queen Mother the bird!                      
                                                            
58932 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Ogden Nield         P9601



Princess Di gave reporters the power                        
To interview her for an hour.                               
And, with true British pluck                                
She trashed Liz and Chuck;                                  
She's regretting it now in the Tower.                       
                                                            
58933 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA                               



Diana was smitten in Spring                                 
With a Prince who would surely be King.                     
But he had some goals                                       
Which included Mrs. Bowles,                                 
So the Princess said "Chuck the whole thing!"               
                                                            
58934 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Hunny3                   



Di's cellulite problem is shocking!                         
Its set the world's press to mocking.                       
But she's nothing to fear,                                  
You'll be delighted to hear.                                
I've sent her my Granny's surgical stocking!                
                                                            
58935 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Herkin                   



Dolly Parton calls the Globe a louse,                       
Which prints more on Princess Di and spouse;                
Which ignorance shows                                       
For everyone knows                                          
A Royal Flush beats a Full House.                           
                                                            
58936 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Daniel Ford              



Diana, the late Princess of Wales,                          
Spoke of bullemia and other food tales.                     
Her life it was hell                                        
And it's just as well;                                      
It ended scraping her into a pail.                          
                                                            
58937 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jim Weaver Collection    



Like her sister-in-law, Duchess of York,                    
Princess Di has been blessed by the stork.                  
Till the brats are full grown,                              
She'll get checks from the throne,                          
And she won't have to sleep with that dork.                 
                                                            
58938 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Arthur Deex         P9606



Whilst traveling at a great rate,                           
Lady Di spoke up, quite irate.                              
"Could you slow down this Merc,                             
You ignorant jerk?                                          
We might hit the wall....BANG!...to late.                   
                                                            
58939 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Cyber Celt          T9710



"The Princess was heard to declare,                         
Let gossips poke fun if they dare.                          
My real inspiration                                         
Is Bron's invitation;                                       
Stick that in your tabloids, so there."                     
(between therapy session and secret trysts - Di)            
58940 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Princess Diana      P9611



England's precious Princess Di,                             
Reminds one of mom's apple pie.                             
With the poor she was sweet.                                
See her now'd be a treat,                                   
But the tabloids ground her down to die.                    
                                                            
58941 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Joe the Jester           



I saw in this morning's Express,                            
Princess Di in a transparent dress.                         
Is that the royal show?                                     
Prince Charles shouted NO!                                  
But the man from Del Monte said Yes!                        
                                                            
58942 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Bill Wall                



The story is over, my friends;                              
Too late now for making amends.                             
Let's not dwell on "Why!"                                   
For Dodi and Di;                                            
That's the way that the Mercedes Benz!                      
                                                            
58943 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      John Miller 0088         



Now Dodie and Di met their untimely ends;                   
A certain clear message their tragedy sends.                
They shouldn't have speeded;                                
Seat belts were needed.                                     
But that's just the way the Mercedes Benz.                  
                                                            
58944 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Jeff                     



A decorum with this I may rend,                             
But I don't wish to play "Let's Pretend."                   
I would love to lose sight                                  
Of that royal parasite --                                   
When will Princess Di bullshit end?                         
                                                            
58945 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - DIANA      Loren C Fitzhugh    P9804



This year LIZ H REX stifled a moan;                         
Not a moan, but say rather a groan.                         
She's not known to complain,                                
But says, "It's been a strain                               
Sitting 50 long years on the Throne."                       
                                                            
58946 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



Our old queen, Lizzie the oneth,                            
Is said to have bathed once a month,                        
But such stuff's for royalty,                               
And I show my loyalty,                                      
And bathe after sex with two nunth.                         
                                                            
58947 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH                           



Queen Lizzie climbed into her carriage;                     
They had dragged it out of the garage,                      
And cleaned off the dust                                    
And old gum and rust,                                       
A thing I'm not going to disparage.                         
                                                            
58948 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tiddy Ogg                



Prince Phillip, his face wreathed in smiles,                
Has now found a cure for his piles.                         
He grins, has a laugh,                                      
As his right royal staff                                    
Is massaged by Liz for three miles.                         
                                                            
58949 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tiddy Ogg                



"We must not appear to be lax,"                             
Quipped Phillip, while probing the cracks                   
Of Liz, "Or all Brits                                       
Might come to their wits                                    
And cease our support with their tax."                      
                                                            
58950 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Travis Brasell           



"Egads!" ripped Queen Liz, "That would foil                 
Our lifestyle and we'd have to toil                         
To earn daily bread                                         
And that I would dread!                                     
So, quick, make me come -- then look royal!"                
                                                            
58951 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Travis Brasell           



I'm considered in England a toff;                           
And upper-class dude.  You may scoff,                       
But I tell you I've seen                                    
Quite a lot of The Queen;                                   
She comes to my house for a boff!                           
                                                            
58952 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Peter W                  



At last my Lord has confessed,                              
With a silver spoon he is blessed.                          
But the only "Queen"                                        
That he's ever seen,                                        
Is some quaint old queer overdressed.                       
                                                            
58953 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Bob                      



I never said I do the job                                   
With the queen, it's my manservant Bob.                     
He dong is so long                                          
That she gave him a gong,                                   
And she dubbed him Lord Robert of Knob.                     
                                                            
58954 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Peter W                  



Dear Peter, if Bob should retire,                           
I'll dress up in butler attire.                             
I'll present my plumb                                       
To Liz and Queen Mum.                                       
Perhaps they could dub it their squire.                     
                                                            
58955 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  H Whelchel               



I must also confess, you see,                               
And I confess it with absolute glee.                        
You can't have the job                                      
Of good butler Bob;                                         
For quite simply, old Bob is just me!                       
                                                            
58956 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Bob                      



Queen Elizabeth kept her own bed,                           
Though many had sought her to wed.                          
Despite all their urgin'                                    
She remained a virgin,                                      
It was greatness, not children, she bred.                   
                                                            
58957 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Warrick Elrod            



Queen Bess knew she never would wed,                        
But suitors on a merry chase led.                           
She played each on a string,                                
Let each think he'd be king,                                
But kept pure her virginal bed.                             
                                                            
58958 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Warrick Elrod            



Great Elizabeth, Queen, if you please,                      
Wrote majestically in Stengelese.                           
She'd indict in a way                                       
That made councillors say:                                  
"Does she mean to inform, or to tease?"                     
                                                            
58959 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Warrick Elrod            



Queen Bess from great house to house went.                  
In Northumberland, Oxford, and Kent.                        
While her retinue supped,                                   
All her hosts went bankrupt,                                
But she saved on her food bills and rent.                   
                                                            
58960 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Warrick Elrod            



To his Queen, said the circumspect Burleigh,                
"It is true that you are old Harry's girlie,                
But if you meet Essex                                       
And do not supress sex,                                     
You'll be had by the short and the curly."                  
                                                            
58961 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  A. Cinna                 



In the life of earthy Queen Bess, sex                       
Included both Leicester and Essex,                          
But what with her cares                                     
Not to give herself heirs,                                  
It never was quite a success, sex.                          
                                                            
58962 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  History Pun Chimera P0108



Since Lizzy, the Virgin Regina,                             
Could not rupture her honeyed vagina,                       
She let men make use                                        
Of her Royal Caboose,                                       
Then cried, "Breakfast is served in the diner."             
                                                            
58963 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Judson Jerome       P8805



Elizabeth pursued love each Spring,                         
Seeking the man to be king.                                 
Many a fellow tried to woo her                              
And wound up one head fewer --                              
A lofty price for a spring fling.                           
                                                            
58964 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  LostnAustin              



Great Queen whom I idolize,                                 
'Twould be a most pleasant surprise,                        
And one to remember,                                        
Could I place my member                                     
Between thy mighty and Sovereign thighs.                    
(W McGonagall - one weird dude!)                            
58965 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Jeffrey Littman          



Queen Elizabeth taking a crap,                              
Had a volume of Keats on her lap.                           
Waking up with a start,                                     
She let fly a fart,                                         
And broke up a really good nap.                             
                                                            
58966 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tony Davie               



I think I'm in love with the Queen,                         
Although a bit odd it may seem.                             
Her royal demeanor                                          
Keeps my limericks cleaner,                                 
To be loyal is what I do mean.                              
                                                            
58967 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Bob Mornington           



The Queen has herself in a pickle!                          
Besides treating Di like a dickhole,                        
Now there's a shot on TV,                                   
Of Her Highness at tea,                                     
Using arsehole to pick up a nickel.                         
                                                            
58968 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Jim Weaver Collection    



Being the Queen must be super,                              
With corgis that nip at a trooper.                          
While the Queen And Prince walk,                            
Just behind he must stalk,                                  
To clean up with a gold pooper scooper.                     
                                                            
58969 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Warrick Elrod            



The immaculate Sir Walter Raleigh,                          
Had a terrible row with his valet,                          
Who, on seeing his cloak,                                   
Cried, "You lousy old soak!                                 
You've been rolling about in the alley."                    
                                                            
58970 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  T L McCarthy             



With lute and with sword I adore                            
Thee, Sovereign Maid from before.                           
The gold from a galleon,                                    
With the cloak of a Raleigh on.                             
All these I now lay at your door.                           
                                                            
58971 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH                           



As I sat on the bed of the Queen,                           
She made some proposals obscene.                            
I said, "Button your lip;                                   
I prefer Prince Phillip --                                  
And to hell with your famous Ich Dien'."                    
(Ich Dien = I what?)                                        
58972 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  CMC                 P8301



(I hope you can grasp what I mean.                          
You don't know what a trial it has been.                    
While climbing your walls,                                  
I squashed both my balls,                                   
But my bottom is lovely and clean.)                         
                                                            
58973 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  CMC                 P8301



In '52, up in a tree,                                       
Princess E learned that she was the Queen;                  
Events of years past                                        
Mean she might be the last;                                 
But for now, it's the Gold Jubilee!                         
                                                            
58974 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Dr Limerick  02-06-02    



So far, the Brits remain loyal                              
To the oddball bunch they call The Royals;                  
But the publicized quarrels                                 
Of Diana and Charles                                        
Have the image indelibly soiled.                            
                                                            
58975 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Dr Limerick  02-06-02    



Those who to the Royals are anti,                           
Say the Royals behavior gives scanty                        
Justification                                               
For personification                                         
Of the Nation by Royals so randy.                           
                                                            
58976 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Dr Limerick  02-06-02    



And other Brits now realize                                 
They can't the past idealize;                               
They're only a province                                     
Of E U, not sovereigns,                                     
So it's past time to de-Royalize.                           
                                                            
58977 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Dr Limerick  02-06-02    



So maybe it's all for the best                              
That the reign of the Second Queen Bess                     
Be the end of the Royals,                                   
And from now on the toils                                   
Of the prince will be those of the rest.                    
                                                            
58978 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Dr Limerick  02-06-02    



To Dame Elizabeth, Happy Day!                               
It's time that everyone say                                 
Happy Birthday to you!                                      
All good wishes are due.                                    
Now blow candles, eat cake and go play!                     
                                                            
58979 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH                           



I ought to be king, that's a fact.                          
You may say that I'm lacking in tact,                       
As I state below,                                           
I'm qualified, so                                           
Old Lizzie will have to be sacked.                          
                                                            
58980 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tiddy Ogg  09-15-02      



My first claim: you ask me to bake                          
A sponge or some other fine cake.                           
I swear that like Alf-                                      
Red the Great, at least half                                
Will be charcoal, I'll make no mistake.                     
                                                            
58981 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tiddy Ogg  09-15-02      



Now hold back awhile your abuse.                            
Claim 2: I, like Robert the Bruce,                          
Could sit and watch spiders                                 
While gulping down ciders,                                  
For which I sure need no excuse.                            
                                                            
58982 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tiddy Ogg  09-15-02      



I'm not sure about climbing trees,                          
Like Charles II does as he flees.                           
But do it I might,                                          
As proof of my right,                                       
To sit on that throne, if you please.                       
                                                            
58983 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tiddy Ogg  09-15-02      



You must know like George III, I'm mad,                     
And just like King John, very bad.                          
We are not amused,                                          
Our claim is refused,                                       
But you folks should be very glad.                          
                                                            
58984 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Tiddy Ogg  09-15-02      



When Ambassador J Wilton Haimes,                            
Took his post at the Court of St. James,                    
A perpetual frown                                           
Crossed the brow of the Crown;                              
She found Haimes had no memory for names.                   
                                                            
58985 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



A republican devil maintains                                
That an obvious fact here pertains:                         
Her Majesty's crown                                         
May bring her renown,                                       
But she'll never get much for her brains.                   
                                                            
58986 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Prof M-G                 



I've just got this telegraph wire;                          
It says "Orf with his head!"  I'll retire                   
To the mainland in Spain,                                   
Where asylum I'll gain                                      
From the threat of Her Majesty's ire.                       
                                                            
58987 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH                           



Queen Lizzie's climbed into her carriage;                   
They dragged it from out of the garage,                     
And cleared off the dust,                                   
And old gum and rust,                                       
A thing I'm not going to disparage.                         
                                                            
58988 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH                           



"We must not appear to be lax,"                             
Quipped Philip, while probing the cracks                    
Of Liz, "Or all Brits                                       
Might come to their wits                                    
And cease our support with their tax!"                      
                                                            
58989 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH                           



The hair stylist of England's Queen Bess,                   
Mr. Wanda said, "I felt duress,                             
When Liz said she'd Knight me,                              
Now that did afright me.                                    
I saw Sir Walter's neck. What a mess!"                      
                                                            
58990 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Loren C Fitzhugh   P9811 



The Queen has this dainty commode                           
Made of porcelain, Wedgewood and Spode.                     
It is rather refined                                        
And should suit her behind,                                 
'Til she farts -- then it's bound to implode.               
                                                            
58991 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Peter Wilkins            



With perfume the seat is infused,                           
But to date, only once has she used                         
It when after a drinkle,                                    
She needed to tinkle.                                       
We laughed but she wasn't amused.                           
                                                            
58992 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - ELIZABETH  Peter Wilkins            



Henry's first wife was Catherine of Aragon;                 
For a time he thought she was his paragon,                  
But to get a divorce,                                       
Broke with Rome, but of course,                             
And then feasted on quail's eggs and tarragon.              
                                                            
58993 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Marc Willcox             



Young Henry the Eighth, know as Tudor,                      
His manner could not have been ruder.                       
For his wife, Anne Boleynm                                  
Lost her head,  What a sin!                                 
I bet she wished that he'd never wooed her.                 
                                                            
58994 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Marc Willcox             



Jane Seymour was Henry's third wed,                         
And at Hampton Court took to her bed.                       
For a son she produced,                                     
But her health it reduced,                                  
And she died, but she did keep her head.                    
                                                            
58995 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Marc Willcox             



From far travelled young Anne of Cleves,                    
But her face, Henry badly receives.                         
Holbein makes her look fair,                                
Henry thinks "Flanders Mare!"                               
I'm the luckiest Queen, she perceives.                      
                                                            
58996 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Marc Willcox             



Katharyn Howard was known to be flirty;                     
With lovers, there must have been thrity.                   
Culpepper and she                                           
Found "en flagrenti",                                       
Whilst Henry played his hurdy gurdy.                        
                                                            
58997 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Marc Willcox             



The last queen he wed, Catherine Parr,                      
Was the one who outlived him.  Hoorah!                      
When Hal was quite dead,                                    
Here wings she did spread,                                  
And opened a plush singles bar.                             
                                                            
58998 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Marc Willcox             



Henry Eighth had his rigid belief                           
Played out as a regal LEITMOTIF:                            
All my wives I love,                                        
But, push comes to shove,                                   
Prefer them for couplings quite brief.                      
                                                            
58999 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Chris Papa               



I think you've got Henry quite well,                        
For he thought of himself as a "swell".                     
But cross him and see                                       
That your head was the fee;                                 
I sure hope that bastard's in Hell.                         
                                                            
59000 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



Now Henry wore smelly old socks;                            
He never gave flowers or chocs.                             
If you gave him head                                        
In the royal bed,                                           
He'd always reward you with pox.                            
                                                            
59001 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



The ghost of King Henry-the-Two                             
Imbibed of some brain-tonic goo;                            
It gave the impression                                      
Of great self-possession,                                   
But failed to enhance his I.Q.                              
                                                            
59002 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Nick D Kim               



Henry Tudor instructed each mate                            
In the French arts (which he deemed first-rate),            
But this sort of erogeny                                    
Leaves one short on progeny;                                
That's why he's called Henry "the ate."                     
                                                            
59003 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Robin K. Willoughby P8607



King Henry the Eighth was a man                             
Whose libido got far out of hand.                           
With ballocks of brass                                      
And a velvet-cased ass,                                     
He raped all the maids in the land.                         
                                                            
59004 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                          G0145



I've unearthed a numerical plot                             
With historical meaning, so fraught                         
As to give me full faith                                    
That fat Henry the Eighth,                                  
Was just Henry the Seventh on pot.                          
                                                            
59005 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Don Moore           P0311



There once was a monarch named Harry,                       
Whose efforts seemed doomed to miscarry,                    
Since his wish for a son,                                   
Plus unlimited fun,                                         
Made him marry and marry and marry.                         
                                                            
59006 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Mary Holtby              



A monarch named Henry the Eighth                            
Was titled "Defender of Faith".                             
He might have been that                                     
And being so fat,                                           
He wasn't a specter or wraith.                              
                                                            
59007 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      R. J. Winkler       P8402



A tidbit on Henry the Eight.                                
He too had a Catherine The Grate.                           
A nag and a bore;                                           
Yak-yak evermore.                                           
Solution? To deactivate.                                    
                                                            
59008 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Irving Superior     P9204



King Henry VIII doth girth display.                         
Betrothal banquets on him weigh.                            
Each wedding feast                                          
A girth increase.                                           
And last, but not least, farewell buffet.                   
                                                            
59009 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Irving Superior     P8308



When Henry the eighth was the king,                         
He danced well and could prettily sing.                     
But grim fascination                                        
With decapitation                                           
Made his reign quite a damned bloody thing.                 
                                                            
59010 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Warrick Elrod            



Said Cranmer, "The Church being fissile,                    
Do we use the old gospel-epistle?"                          
King Henry said, "Nope,                                     
We'll answer the Pope                                       
With our own anti-missal missal."                           
                                                            
59011 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      History Pun Chimera P0108



Henry VIII had a knight named Wrisley.                      
Who killed a bear on a day dark and drizzly.                
He said to Queen Anne,                                      
"Get up off your can,                                       
And cook me a steak off this grizzly."                      
                                                            
59012 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Ed Wolfert          P8308



King Henry the Eighth was a Tudor,                          
Of our monarchs we've witnessed few lewder;                 
Each wife that he wed,                                      
He led to the bed,                                          
Where he viewed 'er, and wood 'er and screwed 'er.          
                                                            
59013 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Kirkham Talbot           



Old Henry the Eighth was the king;                          
He got a new wife every spring.                             
And 'neath the green leaves                                 
Composed that "Greensleeves",                               
The verses of which he would sing.                          
                                                            
59014 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



His big brother Arthur said: "Kiddo,                        
I'm off to Spain".  That's what he did-o.                   
And being a paragon,                                        
Wed Katherine of Aragon,                                    
But died and left Henry his widow.                          
                                                            
59015 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



So wife 1 was Arrogant Kate,                                
Blonde and blue-eyed, she was great                         
For 'bout 20 years,                                         
Then it ended in tears.                                     
Divorce was to be this one's fate.                          
                                                            
59016 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



He had the odd mistress, meantimes,                         
For whom he'd compose Greensleeve rhymes.                   
I have several here,                                        
Folks tell me, I fear                                       
They're fakes and they're not worth a dime.                 
                                                            
59017 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



So number 2's Annie Boleyn,                                 
She played hard to get, to get in;                          
Cared not what she said,                                    
So quite soon her head                                      
Fell into the recycle bin.                                  
                                                            
59018 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



As Henry said: "She was a bitch,                            
I framed her, claimed she had an itch                       
For her own brother Georgie,                                
With whom she had orgies."                                  
A fine reason for her to ditch.                             
                                                            
59019 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



The next one was Janey Seymourses,                          
This one isn't one of those whoreses,                       
She gave him a son;                                         
'Twas his only one;                                         
Then dropped dead of natural causes.                        
                                                            
59020 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



"Now Jane and me had quite a fright,                        
When Anne found us two in a slight                          
Bit of fellation;                                           
A simple flirtation.                                        
No wonder Anne's head soon took flight."                    
                                                            
59021 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



So wife number 4's Anne of Cleves,                          
A mail-order bride, I believes,                             
But when they were wed,                                     
They ne'er went to bed,                                     
And she too, was soon asked to leave.                       
                                                            
59022 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



Kate Howard was chose to be next:                           
But her extra-marital sex                                   
Caused her head to drop,                                    
When she got the chop...                                    
I think with her Henry was vexed.                           
                                                            
59023 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



The last one was Catherine Parr,                            
She had her affairs but cooed "Dar-                         
ling Henry, you're great,                                   
I love all your eight..."                                   
And so she outlived him by far.                             
                                                            
59024 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



To recap then, here are their names:                        
Katie A, Anne B and Jane,                                   
Then came Annie C,                                          
Katie H, Katie P,                                           
And that was the end of his reign.                          
                                                            
59025 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



I hope you have sympathy for                                
Our Henry, just note that the poor                          
Man's life was sheer hell;                                  
I've shown you quite well,                                  
The bloke had six mothers-in-law.                           
                                                            
59026 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Tiddy Ogg                



King Henry                                                  
King Henry's new wife, he did hate her,                     
For she farted and pissed when he ate her.                  
Sex with her, he did dread,                                 
So he chopped off her head,                                 
But he saved the remainder...for later.                     
59027 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Martin A. Thompson       



He used her most often at night;                            
She was harder to see without light.                        
Never once did she moan,                                    
When he drove himself home,                                 
Never once did she put up a fight.                          
                                                            
59028 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



From then on she was faithful and true,                     
Though her flesh turned purple and blue.                    
For a while she was hot,                                    
When she started to rot,                                    
Then she bloated and ripped right in two!                   
                                                            
59029 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



He relied on her for his releases,                          
Decomposition formed natural greases.                       
Then with undying love, a push and a shove,                 
Undying passion, not subject to fashion,                    
Frantic emotion, and ferverous motion,                      
He literally loved her to pieces.                           
59030 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



She looked like she'd been through a meat-grinder,          
But depending on how he aligned her,                        
She could take what he had,                                 
Without oozing too bad,                                     
It worked best with a pillow behind her.                    
                                                            
59031 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



She lasted nigh onto a year,                                
And you may think his habits quite queer,                   
But could you justify waste,                                
On pretense of good taste,                                  
With the body you yearned for, so near.                     
                                                            
59032 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



For a while he thought he might freeze her.                 
"Make it last!" thought the horny old geezer.               
But he noted with awe,                                      
She took ten days to thaw,                                  
To the point where a fellow could seize her.                
                                                            
59033 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



King Henry became an old man;                               
He relied more and more on his hand.                        
But he never forgot her,                                    
This lovable rotter,                                        
The ripest in all of the land.                              
                                                            
59034 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



King Henry the First and his mate                           
Bore children from their wedding date.                      
Huge families they bore                                     
Of children galore.                                         
The last one was Henry the Eight.                           
                                                            
59035 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Irving Superior     P0800



King Henry the Eighth is distraught.                        
While looking at Anne Boleyn's twat,                        
He grasps at a hair                                         
And then in despair,                                        
"SHE LOVES ME" and "SHE LOVES ME NOT."                      
                                                            
59036 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Irving Superior          



Old Henry he had a great girth;                             
He stuffed it for all he was worth.                         
Which was not a lot,                                        
The silly old clot,                                         
'Cause his wives still could not give birth.                
                                                            
59037 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



It's not social climbing, it's said                         
To leap into Old Henry's bed.                               
And you must not scoff                                      
When he has it off,                                         
For likely as not, it's your head.                          
                                                            
59038 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



Old Henry got up to some tricks;                            
His Tudor Tarts numbered six.                               
Now one at a time                                           
Seemed to be just fine,                                     
If the previous one he could fix.                           
                                                            
59039 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



What gives with this daft Tudor Tart?                       
The real ones were not mad, apart                           
That is from the ones                                       
Who wiggled their bums,                                     
For to get their motors to start                            
                                                            
59040 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



Tudor Tarts are tasty we're told;  (Henry VIII wives)       
The best that have ever been sold.                          
If they stop their kickin',                                 
Then we'll start a lickin';                                 
That is if we may be so bold.                               
                                                            
59041 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



We Tarts are indeed in demand;                              
Quite good at our crafts, understand?                       
But we never are sleazy,                                    
Nor are we easy;                                            
Approach us with caution, young man.                        
                                                            
59042 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



Our whips we wield with great skill,                        
And will strike without warning, at will.                   
So your manners do mind                                     
Or we'll strike your behind,                                
And add S & M to your bill.                                 
                                                            
59043 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY                               



In the silence of her empty room,                           
The queen thought of her forthcoming doom.                  
The court circular said                                     
She would soon lose her head,                               
She'd read the announcement with gloom!                     
                                                            
59044 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - HENRY      Arthur Pattaffy          



Drinking gin and a fun-loving time                          
Are the factors to make your age climb,                     
Says Queen Mother to you.                                   
Why are factors but two?                                    
'Cause 101 is a prime.                                      
                                                            
59045 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Prof M-G                 



The royal Queen Mother in London,                           
Who's honored for getting her "ton" done,                   
Attributes long days                                        
To her fun-loving ways;                                     
And a gin every evening at sundown.                         
                                                            
59046 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Prof M-G                 



So old bat, now we put you to rest                          
And we loved how you passed every test,                     
That your life threw you in,                                
(That includes also gin)                                    
But your million-pound debt, we like best.                  
                                                            
59047 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Ulla                     



The dear Queen mum is now put to rest,                      
With all baubles and stuff on her chest.                    
How she did love them all,                                  
Creatures both great and small,                             
But us Germans she sure did love best.                      
                                                            
59048 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Ulla                     



They've buried old Lizzie Bowes-Lyon;                       
She sure took a long time a-dying.                          
She bet on the horses                                       
At all the race courses;                                    
Oh Lord, how the bookies are cryin'.                        
                                                            
59049 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Tiddy Ogg                



Loyalists, here, near, and far,                             
Are upset:  Old Mum's crossed the bar.                      
While she gave her best,                                    
The rest are a mess.                                        
Let's bury the whole lot, by gar!                           
                                                            
59050 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Edwin                    



Queen Mum has been given last rites,                        
So who will now settle the fights                           
In Windsor's old house?                                     
It's not Lizzie's spouse;                                   
I hear he's been staying up knights.                        
                                                            
59051 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Travis Brasell           



Let's raise up a toast to Queen Mum --                      
Make mine with Jamaica's best rum --                        
But e'er we embalm her,                                     
Let's play Jeffrey Dahmer --                                
Beats hell out of chewing on gum!                           
                                                            
59052 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Brian                    



The Queen Mother wanders the palace                         
Quite nude and she mumbles, "No malice                      
Have I for the prince,                                      
Whose cock makes me wince,                                  
Each time he shoots off in my chalice."                     
                                                            
59053 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Travis Brasell           



God bless the dear old Queen Mum                            
Oops! There she goes down on her bum.                       
They fill her once more                                     
With Kensington gore,                                       
Now she'll last until Kingdom come.                         
                                                            
59054 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM                           



They filled her with NHS blood,  (National Health Service)  
Not blue stuff, so some may be dud.                         
Some may have been mine,                                    
And they won't think it fine                                
If she starts wrestling sheep in the mud.                   
                                                            
59055 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM                           



The Queen Mum is one hundred and one,                       
Which is quite a magnificent sum                            
Of all those long years,                                    
And many more cheers.                                       
Lets hope she's got a lot more to run.                      
                                                            
59056 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Anon                     



On the news today, I hear                                   
Things that make me cry in my beer.                         
But I thought this quite yum:                               
Windows and the Queen Mum                                   
Are both 98 this year.                                      
                                                            
59057 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Ericka                   



Paparazzi of Britain all come                               
To the Spring Flower Show, at which some                    
Of the Royal Family                                         
Fear photogs may just see                                   
What they hope to, a well-potted Mum.                       
                                                            
59058 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - QUEEN MUM  Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



That British PM, Ben Disraeli,                              
Shacked up with Queen Vic almost daily.                     
So an Empire was built                                      
And old Ben bore no guilt,                                  
When he should have been tried at Old Bailey.               
                                                            
59059 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   John E Mayhood           



When Victoria started her reign,                            
Some thought she had sex on the brain.                      
For inspecting each guard,                                  
She asked if his yard                                       
Could be stood at attention again.                          
                                                            
59060 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Prof                     



When Prince Albert got wed to Victoria,                     
He said, "Now I expect to see more o' ya'."                 
So she led him to bed.                                      
Six hours later she said,                                   
"Just once more, on the floor, I implore ya'."              
                                                            
59061 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Prof                     



When Victoria married Prince Bertie,                        
She did not appear to be flirty.                            
But when John Brown the Ghillie                             
Produced such a nice willy,                                 
She thought "England," laid back, and played dirty.         
                                                            
59062 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Prof                     



God caused it to rain, say the seers,                       
Forty days, forty nights, through his tears.                
Pish-tush! Unconstrained                                    
Queen Victoria reigned                                      
For well over sixty-three years!                            
                                                            
59063 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Laurence Perrine    P8511



Said the Queen to her favorite ghillie,                     
In a voice that was notably chilly,                         
"While we don't wish to quarrel                             
We don't think it's Balmoral,                               
What you're doing to us with your willy."                   
                                                            
59064 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA                            



Then last came Victoria Regina                              
Whose reign was the best--never finer!                      
But alas, all the women                                     
With frustration were brimmin'.                             
Until Freud delved the frigid vagina.                       
                                                            
59065 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA                       G0148



The Queen-Empress suffered a glitch.                        
It stained her gross, smelly britch.                        
She admitted with snickers,                                 
"I've mucked up me knickers,                                
Though I'm a fastidious bitch!"                             
                                                            
59066 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Jim Jambor          P9304



"I'm a monument needing renewin',"                          
Cried our Queen, in her weeds, cheeks-bedewin',             
"My teeth are in trust,                                     
My bosom's a bust,                                          
And my old heart is simply a ruin'!"                        
                                                            
59067 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Laurence Perrine    P8308



Queen Victoria, though not enthused                         
About sex, clearly never refused                            
Prince Albert and bore                                      
Him children galore.                                        
The Queen, though, was never amused.                        
                                                            
59068 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   A. N. Wilkins       P8605



Victoria said, "We've no quarrel                            
With Shakespeare, but this is immoral!                      
His 'Measure for Measure'                                   
Incurs our displeasure;                                     
We don't do such things at Balmoral."                       
                                                            
59069 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Frank Richards           



"We are not amused", said Victoria,                         
In a mood far removed from euphoria,                        
But a visit from Dizzy                                      
Put her in to a tizzy,                                      
And her views grew Tory-er and Tory-er.                     
(Dizzy - Benjamin Disraeli)                                 
59070 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Stanley J. Sharpless     



Victoria was bitterly short                                 
About hanky-panky at court;                                 
One lady admonished                                         
Said, "I am astonished.                                     
John Brown cannot be what I thought."                       
(John Brown - personal attendant to Victoria for 34 years)  
59071 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Cyril Mountjoy           



"Dear Albert, of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.                         
We desire to receive our due quota                          
Of amourous sport,                                          
And not be kept short                                       
By one tittle, or jot, or iota."                            
                                                            
59072 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   W. F. N. Watson          



Prince Albert and Queen You-Know-Who                        
Were doing what married folk do.                            
Cried the Queen, her heart drumming,                        
"We're coming! We're coming!"                               
"How splendid," said Albert, "Us, too!"                     
                                                            
59073 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Chuck Davis         P9408



The ghillie was a fair braw,                                
Wore the royal pussy quite raw.                             
He dirtied his kilt                                         
With the heather and milt.                                  
"Victory!" he yelled. She said "Pshaw!"                     
                                                            
59074 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Jim Jambor          P9304



Queen Victoria's ghillie                                    
Was horny as any old Billy.                                 
He lifted his hem                                           
And squeegeed her phlegm,                                   
Fucking her till she was silly.                             
                                                            
59075 ROYALTY - ENGLAND - VICTORIA   Jim Jambor          P9304



Said Napoleon, emperor serene,                              
While scouting around for a queen,                          
"I'd much rather squeeze a                                  
Maria Louisa,                                               
Than sleep with that bitch, Josephine."                     
                                                            
59076 ROYALTY - FRANCE                                   G0194



The wily Napoleon Bonaparte                                 
Took powerful Louis's plush throne apart.                   
But the weak Josephine                                      
With her frontal fur screen,                                
And central attack, took Nap's stones apart.                
                                                            
59077 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Douglas Catley           



Invented by Louis Quatorze                                  
Were the finest of sports for indoors.                      
He would bugger the Pope                                    
As he hung from a rope,                                     
And the bishops he fucked on all fours.                     
                                                            
59078 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2243



Said Henri Quatre, in advance,                              
"No Henri Cinq - not a chance!                              
Nothing is loonier                                          
Than to name a son Junior -                                 
A Fifth Bourbon rule France?"                               
                                                            
59079 ROYALTY - FRANCE               History Pun Chimera P0108



It was clear that Napoleon's Queen                          
Was referring to army routine,                              
When she said, in flummox,                                  
"Marchons-nous sur nos stomachs?"                           
And was told, "Not tonight, Josephine."                     
                                                            
59080 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Moss Rich                



King Louis gave a lesson in Class,                          
Simultaneously sexing a lass.                               
When she use the word "Damn"                                
He rebuked her: "Please Ma'am,                              
Keep a more civil tongue up my ass."                        
                                                            
59081 ROYALTY - FRANCE                                   L0390



Old King Louis and court were obscene.                      
They would screw day and night. And the Queen!              
But they made one great error,                              
They hung 'round for the Terror.                            
Guillotine! Guillotine! Guillotine!                         
                                                            
59082 ROYALTY - FRANCE                                        



There once was a Duchess of Bruges,                         
Whose cunt was exceedingly huge.                            
Said the King, as he came,                                  
To this spirited dame,                                      
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge."                           
                                                            
59083 ROYALTY - FRANCE                                        



The Royal Baker cried, "For Gods sake!                      
I cannot decide what to bake.                               
New ideas? No way                                           
For this special holiday."                                  
Then the Queen replied, "Let them eat cake."                
                                                            
59084 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Chairman Steve           



Old Louis Quatorze was hot stuff.                           
He tired of that game, blindman's buff,                     
Upended his mistress,                                       
Kissed her while she kissed his,                            
And thus taught the world soixante-neuf.                    
                                                            
59085 ROYALTY - FRANCE                                   L0433



In France old King Louis Quatorze                           
His ministers gathered indoors.                             
He did want, it appears,                                    
An Old Home for the queers,                                 
And a subsidy plan for the whores.                          
                                                            
59086 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2242



A sycophant courtier named Florse                           
Shunned sex as a matter of course.                          
But when eager to please,                                   
He'd go down on his knees,                                  
And "con brio" blow Louis Quatorze.                         
                                                            
59087 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Jim Weaver Collection    



A Queen named Marie is now dead,                            
Because someone cut off her head.                           
'Twas not a nice sight,                                     
But rather a fright.                                        
She had asked "Was it something I said?"                    
                                                            
59088 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Deena Trouten            



Marie Antoinette said one day:                              
"Those peasants, there, what's that they say?"              
Her courtier said:                                          
"Madame, they've no bread,                                  
And that's why they won't go away."                         
                                                            
59089 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Tiddy Ogg                



If history's not made a mistake,                            
These next were the words that she spake:                   
"Remove, please, my pantie,                                 
Insert a french fancy,                                      
Then let them come in and eat cake."                        
                                                            
59090 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Tiddy Ogg                



Napoleon and Josie had grown apart,                         
While Emperor he'd often known a tart;                      
Still his, "Not tonight, Jo!"                               
Was a terrigle blow                                         
And she threatened to blow his old bone apart.              
                                                            
59091 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Ann Gasser          P9004



Jo said, "Oh, Nap, how we've grown apart.                   
I lie with my thighs hotly thrown apart.                    
Yet you stand there and dote,                               
With your hand in your coat.                                
Napoleon, please with you boner part."                      
                                                            
59092 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Bob Giandomenico    P9307



There once was a king in a cell,                            
Whose fate it is grisly to tell.                            
They took off his crown                                     
But the king didn't frown,                                  
'Cause they took off his noggin as well.                    
                                                            
59093 ROYALTY - FRANCE               John Eggerton       P0106



In France they revere the old count;                        
Of biblical lore he's a fount.                              
Over scripture he pores                                     
And behind castle doors,                                    
There's no girl, boy or sheep he won't mount.               
                                                            
59094 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



A club of French folk of renown                             
Then plotted to purloin the crown;                          
"This powdered-wig fey                                      
Has had more than his day;                                  
It's time for the Sun to come down."                        
                                                            
59095 ROYALTY - FRANCE               John Eggerton       P0106



Max Robespierre was his name;                               
The revolution his big claim to fame.                       
As he picked up the head                                    
Of King Louis, he said,                                     
"Anyone for a volleyball game?"                             
                                                            
59096 ROYALTY - FRANCE               Michael Weinstein   P8609



A sultan who likes his girls buxom,                         
At ninety still often abducts 'em.                          
And then they are led                                       
To a sumptuous bed,                                         
In which he, regretfully, fucks 'em.                        
                                                            
59097 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



King Feisal, so the old story goes                          
Could excite naive girls to the throes                      
Of passion just by                                          
This ridiculous lie:                                        
That his schlong was as big as his nose.                    
                                                            
59098 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Michael WeinStein   P8407



The randy old Bey of Algiers,                               
Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,                   
Tried a cunt for a change,                                  
And remarked, "It felt strange...                           
Just think what I've missed all there years!"               
                                                            
59099 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G0503



The sore-peckered Bey of Algiers,                           
Told his harem next evening: "My dears,                     
Last night's round of screwing                              
Has proved my undoing,                                      
So you may not get fucked for TEN YEARS!"                   
                                                            
59100 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G0504



This spermless old Bey of Algiers,                          
Said: "Back in my more potent years,                        
I begat brats by dozens                                     
On my sisters and cousins,                                  
Besides oiling the hips of fat queers."                     
                                                            
59101 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G0505



"But alas!" said the Bey of Algiers,                        
"I've gone impotent now, it appears.                        
If the eunuchs won't suck you,                              
I'll have puppydogs fuck you,                               
So don't pee in your pants or shed tears."                  
                                                            
59102 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G0506



Then up spake the Bey of Algiers:                           
"I am old and well striken in years,                        
And my language is blunt;                                   
But a cunt is a cunt,                                       
And fucking is fucking"--(loud cheers).                     
                                                            
59103 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Norman Douglas      P9302



For sons of the Caliph of Bagdad                            
Taboo was the harem their Dad had.                          
"Since we are all brothers                                  
And they are our mothers,                                   
And also it might make our Dad mad."                        
                                                            
59104 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Irving Superior     P8309



A sultan, inspecting his harem,                             
Said, "Eunuch, proceed to unbare 'em."                      
Having seen the details,                                    
He issued long veils                                        
And ordered the harem to wear 'em.                          
                                                            
59105 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Isaac Asimov             



The King of Morocco is dead.                                
His subjects have cut off his head.                         
The men from A.P.                                           
And Reuters agree                                           
That it's bound to make headlines," he said.                
                                                            
59106 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               A. N. Wilkins       P8308



Then spoke up an old Maharajah:                             
"When I get a new wife I dodge her,                         
And so tease her a bit                                      
If she's too tight a fit,                                   
Till someone has made her hole larger."                     
                                                            
59107 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G1052



The old halls of the harem ring                             
With laughter as the slave girls sing.                      
The Sultan so proud,                                        
Will choose a gal from the crowd,                           
And she'll share this night of spring.                      
                                                            
59108 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



Provoked was old Sheik Abdul-Hissun;                        
His eunuchs he started dismissin'.                          
He knew someone had crept                                   
Where his harem had slept,                                  
For last night he felt one piece was missin'.               
                                                            
59109 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Albin Chaplin   3024-1917



There once was a sultan named Darren,                       
Who liked to play tricks on his harem.                      
He caught him a mouse,                                      
Which he loosed in the house,                               
And called the result, "Harem-scarem!"                      
                                                            
59110 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Jim Weaver Collection    



A dead dude recently know as a Sheik,                       
Was lying in state for a peek.                              
He eyes popped wide open                                    
And he started in gropin',                                  
But his Harem had left him last week.                       
                                                            
59111 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Joseph Eldridge          



King Feisal once commissioned two schmucks                  
For a sculpture of him in a tux!                            
A statuette made                                            
Out of silver and jade...                                   
The nose alone is worth two million bucks.                  
                                                            
59112 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Michael Weinstein   P8609



An angry young driver named Mac,                            
Sent a telegram off to Iraq.                                
He said, "Tell King Feisal                                  
To stuff all his diesel--                                   
I've traded my car for a yak."                              
                                                            
59113 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               W J Buchan          P8202



Then spoke the Sultan himself,                              
A monarch of great power and pelf:                          
"I take thirty whores                                       
And lock all the doors,                                     
And proceed to enjoy myself."                               
                                                            
59114 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G1053



A noble young prince of Khartoum                            
Was laid all too soon in his tomb.                          
The sage pedagogues                                         
Said he went to the dogs,                                   
But the pussies had led him to doom.                        
                                                            
59115 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Albin Chaplin   3024-2140



Her name was once Lisa Hallaby;                             
Jordan's King married her, you see.                         
Now known as Queen Noor,                                    
Forever more,                                               
But does she still really wanna be?                         
                                                            
59116 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Arden                    



Then up spoke the Shah of Iran:                             
"All women from court we must ban.                          
They haven't the clutch                                     
Or the velvety touch                                        
Of the orotund arsehole of man!"                            
(orotund - full, strong, and clear of tone)                 
59117 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G1059



In exile, the Shah of Iran,                                 
A sad and embittered old man.                               
Since forced into flight,                                   
"On my tombstone write,                                     
'I RAN IRAN, I RAN'."                                       
                                                            
59118 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Albin Chaplin       P8202



There once was a mideastern Shah                            
Who planned a vacation afar.                                
He liked the scene                                          
At a spa Caribbean,                                         
Because he loved to dance the ska.                          
                                                            
59119 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



The Sha had a brother named Stan                            
A Sha's brother is called a Shan                            
Stan I'll leave you to run,                                 
Our affairs while I'm gone,                                 
Because Stan you are my main man                            
                                                            
59120 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



When it came to affairs of state                            
The Shan really wasn't first rate                           
He would make revisions                                     
Of all his decisions                                        
The pressure was ever so great                              
                                                            
59121 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



One day, loaded down with work                              
He suddenly went berserk.                                   
Slashing with his cutlass                                   
He left many gutless,                                       
From servants to guards and clerks.                         
                                                            
59122 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



The Sha did return the next day;                            
His palace was in disarray.                                 
He had to find out                                          
What had come about,                                        
During his vacation away.                                   
                                                            
59123 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



He called for his man servant Otan                          
And he said dry your tears my good man                      
Be calm, no more fear                                       
Just what happened here?                                    
Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?                   
                                                            
59124 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                        



Then they paused while the Persian Shah                     
Tried to settle a bet with the czar,                        
That the tip of his tool                                    
Was much the less cool--                                    
But neither could reach quite that far.                     
                                                            
59125 ROYALTY - MUSLIM                                   G1058



There was an old Sultan of Salisbury,                       
Who wanted some wives for his harem.                        
So he had them sent down                                    
By a fast train from town,                                  
For he thought that his motor would scare 'em.              
                                                            
59126 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               E V Knox Punch 1929 Bibby



The harem of Abdul el Krim                                  
Would wait every night on his whim.                         
With much to confuse,                                       
Which girl will he choose?                                  
A girl he could fill to the brim?                           
                                                            
59127 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Irving Superior     P0800



A girl who would back into him?                             
Who'd, during an Arabic hymn?                               
An athlete with sweat from the gym.                         
Who'd yield an orgas...m...m...m.                           
A girl who'd read Omar Khayyam.                             
While his 'moving finger"s her rim?                         
59128 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Irving Superior     P0800



A young man from Beccles, called Duke,                      
Discovered one day, by a fluke,                             
If he put on a fez                                          
And a little pince-nez,                                     
He looked like the young King Farouk.                       
                                                            
59129 ROYALTY - MUSLIM               Michael Palin            



It seems that the Earl of Longstanding                      
Tried to lay the new maid on the landing.                   
Cried she, "Oh your highness,                               
Please pardon my shyness,                                   
You're the first Earl I've had so demanding."               
                                                            
59130 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Grand Prix Lim  833      



Two dons fought a duel and one don, Juan,                   
The randy one, lucked out, so Don Juan won,                 
That duel so cruel,                                         
Making him drool,                                           
'Cause never before had Juan the Don won one.               
                                                            
59131 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm sitting here, dining on pheasant,                       
Considering life's far from pleasant.                       
My gamekeeper, Frewin,                                      
Says trouble is brewin',                                    
"A trifle unrestful, the peasants."                         
                                                            
59132 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Tiddy Ogg                



The cause of this last insurrection:                        
My "droit de seigneur" girl inspection.                     
Here, on my estate,                                         
Each girl I must rate,                                      
And give each a semen injection.                            
                                                            
59133 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Tiddy Ogg                



They'll soon find they've tried me too much in              
This matter, as shotgun a-clutchin',                        
I let fly a blast,                                          
At each insolent ass,                                       
To bring again meek folelock touchin'.                      
                                                            
59134 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Tiddy Ogg                



An impious Marquis of Ham                                   
Quite frankly, did not give a damn.                         
He thought each king a bum,                                 
Any duke merely scum,                                       
And a Scot just an ass in a tam.                            
                                                            
59135 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Warrick Elrod            



The virtues of genes, I insist                              
Should not be too lightly dismissed;                        
If a poll's in the cards                                    
For hereditary Bards --                                     
My name will be found on the list.                          
                                                            
59136 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Earl of Limerick         



The Countess Raczynski-Sibor                                
After sex would start asking for more.                      
But the men in her life                                     
Were not up to the strife,                                  
And most were found dead on the floor.                      
                                                            
59137 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Warrick Elrod            



Horsewoman Penelope Post                                    
Of affairs had engaged in a host.                           
She like grooms, stable boys,                               
But the height of her joys                                  
Came with jockeys, who rode her the most.                   
                                                            
59138 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Warrick Elrod            



By the sea she was taking her ease,                         
While showing much more than her knees.                     
Just what was her game?                                     
Well, she soon became                                       
The wife of a landed Marquis.                               
                                                            
59139 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Archie                   



When he swore at the garlicky stench                        
On the breath of a pretty young wench,                      
Lord Viceroy Mountbatten                                    
Said, "Pardon my Latin,"                                    
When he should have said, "Pardon my French."               
                                                            
59140 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Cybergeezer              



Lord Bangham-Together de Vere                               
Drinks altogether far too much beer.                        
He produces his shard                                       
But cannot get hard;                                        
It just droops, so she thinks he's queer.                   
                                                            
59141 ROYALTY - PEERAGE                                       



Said a certain old Earl, whom I knew:                       
"I've been struck from the rolls of Who's Who,              
Just because I was found                                    
Lying prone on the ground                                   
With the housemaid; and very nice too!"                     
                                                            
59142 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Explosion Limericks P0800



There was a young fellow of Magdalen,                       
Whose tutor accused him of dagdalen                         
And pledging his credit;                                    
He wouldn't have said it                                    
Had the youth been a peer or a lagdalen.                    
                                                            
59143 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Anon              (Bibby)



Lord Sylvester Santsbury Sill                               
Was a very low run-of-the-mill.                             
On a hunt, he would fall;                                   
Step on toes at a ball;                                     
Asked to dine, he'd get stuck with the bill.                
                                                            
59144 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Warrick Elrod            



Lord Fitzpatrick Featherstone Funt                          
Would invite only dukes to his hunt.                        
When they came they'd just ride                             
To commit vulpicide,                                        
And like mortals, when riding, they'd grunt.                
                                                            
59145 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Warrick Elrod            



Said a miserly peer at the Abbey,                           
"I fear I shall look rather shabby,                         
For I've replaced my ermine.                                
Infested with vermin,                                       
With the fur of my dear defunct tabby."                     
                                                            
59146 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Langford Reed            



The eccentric old Viscount of V.                            
In his manner is pleasing but free.                         
Though his lance is now drooping,                           
He gets young girls a-whooping,                             
'Cause he chews them while nibbling their pee.              
                                                            
59147 ROYALTY - PEERAGE                                       



Lord Horatio Hepplewhite Hall                               
Had a long list of ladies he'd call.                        
His conduct was quite                                       
Absolutely all right;                                       
He just wanted to talk, that was all.                       
                                                            
59148 ROYALTY - PEERAGE              Warrick Elrod            



Now that, sir's, a scurrilous lie;                          
I should string up your bollocks on high,                   
Give m'gundogs a whistle,                                   
To go fetch your gristle                                    
And chew it to shreds by and by.                            
                                                            
59149 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



For I am the Baron of Buckin'em,                            
The Lord of the Manor of Fuckin'em.                         
I do not employs                                            
Prepubescent young boys                                     
For m'joys are sweet pussies 'n' suckin' 'em.               
                                                            
59150 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



Now spring's here; again I feel hearty;                     
I'm thinkin' of throwin' a party                            
Right here on m'yacht,                                      
With such succulent twat,                                   
As sweet Jeanie, young Carol 'n' Marty.                     
                                                            
59151 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



I'm here in Madeira, m'dear,                                
With unlimited champers 'n' beer.                           
These are warm moonlit nights                               
For romantic delights,                                      
So just come in your skimpiest gear.                        
                                                            
59152 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



We'll laugh about love 'n' romance,                         
As we drink up the champers 'n' dance;                      
But I promise, m'dear,                                      
I won't pounce on your rear,                                
'Til I've ripped off your scanties 'n' pants.               
                                                            
59153 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



Oh good, I'll be right there to board,                      
This trip just sounds splendid, my Lord.                    
Once we're under way,                                       
We'll start our soiree,                                     
And your kindness I will reward.                            
                                                            
59154 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



Ahh, I have my own Genie on tap,                            
One with whom I occasionally rap.                           
She comes out at night                                      
(As is) Her perchance-able right                            
And we rap on her twat when I tap!                          
                                                            
59155 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



Bikinis are mandatory, dear;                                
Go bottomless, show us your rear.                           
Go topless as well,                                         
When we're out on the swell                                 
'N' I'll show you m'sea-going gear.                         
                                                            
59156 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS                              



There was an old Baron of Basle                             
Who buggered the Queen in her castle.                       
He said to her, "Queen,                                     
It remains to be seen,                                      
If your cunt is as good as your asshole."                   
                                                            
59157 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS     Albin Chaplin   3024-0900



The dignified Baron of Barden                               
Observed the young maid in the garden.                      
As she wiggled ass                                          
While trimming the grass,                                   
He fucked her and said, "Beg your pardon."                  
                                                            
59158 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - BARONS     Albin Chaplin   3024-0033



Said the Duke to the Duchess of Avery:                      
"I trust I'm not disturbing your reverie?                   
You've been sitting on 'Punch'                              
Since long before lunch--                                   
May I have it?  I find cunt unsavory."                      
                                                            
59159 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES                          G2674



A reliable butler was Runshawn;                             
Mid servants, they say that this one shone.                 
For he started one day                                      
To make old Duchess May                                     
And was still making May while the sun shone.               
                                                            
59160 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Albin Chaplin   3024-0317



The Duchess and Duke of McPhail                             
Went doon the Clyde for a sail;                             
After high teas and dinner,                                 
With purses much thinner,                                   
A wing of their castle's for sale.                          
                                                            
59161 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      J Faulds                 



Said the Duchess of Brey, "I'll admit                       
That my husband the Duke, wouldn't spit                     
On the great common herd.                                   
As he says, in a word,                                      
'Ain't got class? Well then you ain't got SHIT!'"           
                                                            
59162 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Theo M. Heller      P9406



Though he's eager the old Duke of Fuck-                     
Ingham noticed a detail that struck                         
Him as unduly odd:                                          
That young girls tell him: "Sod                             
Off!"  Of late he has run out of luck.                      
                                                            
59163 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES                               



The delay to the duke was distressing,                      
For his buttons came off during dressing.                   
So he asked tailor Sutton                                   
To sew on a button --                                       
Said the tailor, his work was more pressing.                
                                                            
59164 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Albin Chaplin   3024-2549



His smart duchess, adored CAP-A-PIE,                        
He oft loved in assumed privacy.                            
Over fence there arose                                      
While he swigged her toes,                                  
An huge camera of PNBC.                                     
                                                            
59165 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Elois                    



Such delights as enjoyed by the two,                        
Were presented for whole world to view,                     
Which proceded to drool                                     
And inflict ridicule                                        
On a couple, for pitching some woo.                         
                                                            
59166 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Elois                    



The Great Duke of Fuckinem's roused                         
And many the furrows he's plowsed.                          
For great is his staff                                      
(The Ladies don't laugh)                                    
Even does it when he is soused.                             
                                                            
59167 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Jim Weaver Collection    



In her haste and the dark old duchess                       
On her date with young Col. McHutches                       
(The equerry) finds that                                    
He's hung like a horse but                                  
She's got no idea what she clutches.                        
                                                            
59168 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES                               



My lady the Duchess, quite haughty,                         
Never occurred to Her Grace to be naughty.                  
But she took some tuition                                   
Before having coition,                                      
With the Duke, on the pianoforte.                           
                                                            
59169 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES                               



The wily old Duchess of Wings                               
Knew all about birds, bees and things.                      
She ignored all the flukes,                                 
Like the barons and dukes,                                  
And she fucked the Plantagenet Kings.                       
                                                            
59170 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Albin Chaplin   3024-0781



The horny old duchess of Gloucester                         
Would welcome all men to accost her.                        
She would take with no qualm                                
Every hairy Dick, Tom,                                      
But only the king could exhaust her.                        
                                                            
59171 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Albin Chaplin   3024-0170



Once a knight, Sir Justin Tremayne,                         
Boffed the Duchess outside in the rain.                     
His armour did rust                                         
And chafed with each thrust.                                
Vowed the duchess, "Not EVER again!"                        
                                                            
59172 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Annie Jay                



When told by an agent, a Yid,                               
A seat in the stands cost twelve quid,                      
An elegant Duchess                                          
Remarked, "I shan't puchess,                                
I'll bloody well stand!"  And she did.                      
(Queen Elizabeth's coronation)                              
59173 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Langford Reed       P8809



The doughty old Duchess of Depter,                          
Deserted the duke who had kept her                          
To fuck with the King.                                      
But so tight was her thing,                                 
That he diddled the bitch with his scepter.                 
                                                            
59174 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - DUKES      Albin Chaplin   3024-0679



Sir Henry of Hathaway Hall                                  
Dressed splendidly for the Queen's ball.                    
But when dancing he tore                                    
The fine trousers he wore;                                  
His bare ass caused his social downfall.                    
                                                            
59175 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



Lady Pamela Pym Pettigrew                                   
Told men what in bed they must do.                          
"I am to be pleased,                                        
While you're to be teased,                                  
Until I let you have fun, too."                             
                                                            
59176 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



Lady Tanya Tweedumdale Toplady                              
Had a past that was rather too shady.                       
But an upper-class dame                                     
Can do things without shame,                                
Once can't if the name is O'Grady.                          
                                                            
59177 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



A maiden named Gwendolyn Tiffy                              
Thought the knight in his armor looked spiffy,              
From his helmet, so grand,                                  
To the gloves on each hand,                                 
To the codpiece protecting his stiffy.                      
                                                            
59178 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Cap'n Bean          P0304



Lady Carolyn Chatterton Cobb                                
Was truly a consummate snob.                                
With superior pose,                                         
She'd not lower her nose,                                   
Even when with a duke she'd hob-nob.                        
                                                            
59179 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



Lady Sybilla Stansbury-Short                                
Engaged in wild upper-class sport.                          
She was proper by day,                                      
But at night she would play                                 
Wicked games of a quite debauched sort.                     
                                                            
59180 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



A tart little virgin, Miss Nance,                           
Who lived in the mountains of France,                       
She ventured to go                                          
To the valley, below,                                       
To a town that was holding a dance.                         
                                                            
59181 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Cap'n Bean          P0211



It was there that she spotted his stance,                   
As he gave her a ravenous glance;                           
'Twas the Sir Henri, the knight,                            
Who was dressed all in white,                               
And she lusted to get in his pants.                         
                                                            
59182 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Cap'n Bean          P0211



She seducingly made her advance,                            
As the knight was aroused, in a trance;                     
He drew to her, near,                                       
Then she dropped her brassiere,                             
And he gazed at her lovely expanse.                         
                                                            
59183 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Cap'n Bean          P0211



He stole her away from the dance,                           
To a night of impassioned romance;                          
And they'll never repeat                                    
An affair quite as sweet                                    
As that lovely encounter in France.                         
                                                            
59184 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Cap'n Bean          P0211



Sir Osbert and Dame Edith Sitwell                           
Had a brother they called Sachervell.                       
They could be loony geese,                                  
But their talents apiece                                    
Excused being antic as Hell.                                
                                                            
59185 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



A knight who took part in a joust,                          
His chances of winning were doused                          
When he stopped at a bar,                                   
On his trip from afar,                                      
And both he and his stallion got soused.                    
                                                            
59186 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Cap'n Bean          P0304



Sir Percival Pennypinch Pugh                                
Was a rich man with not much to do.                         
He'd invite all his chums                                   
And then twiddle his thumbs                                 
To show he was quite busy too.                              
                                                            
59187 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



A knight of King Arthur's Round Table                       
Was given the worst kind of label,                          
By all maids in distress                                    
Who couldn't care less,                                     
Because he was Kane but not able.                           
                                                            
59188 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Tom Patton          P0304



An ambitious young fellow named Grady                       
Wed a lovely young woman named Sadie.                       
They were both delighted                                    
When he was beknighted,                                     
And Sadie became Lady Grady.                                
                                                            
59189 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Richard Stilgoe          



There once was a Cockney named Mickelwhite                  
An actor with nary a nickel, maite.                         
He earned fortune and fame                                  
Using Caine as his name,                                    
And today the Queen dubbed him Sir Michael, Knight.         
                                                            
59190 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Dr Limerick  11-16-00    



Sir Dustin, a brave knight known as Dusty,                  
Was fond of the wenches, if busty.                          
His eyes lit up with glee;                                  
Bring that blonde wench to me;                              
Also oil as my armour is rusty.                             
                                                            
59191 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Arthur Pattaffy          



A old knight whose last name was Wade,                      
Rode East just to join the Crusade.                         
His raiment got dusty,                                      
His armor all rusty,                                        
And his morale was dull as his blade.                       
                                                            
59192 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



Sir Archie the Bald is quite miffed;                        
Your actions have given short shrift.                       
Although he's a toff,                                       
He's offered to boff                                        
And thinking of leaving a gift!                             
                                                            
59193 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS                             



Sir Archie is not of sound mind,                            
And old too and very near blind.                            
This virginal Maid,                                         
Has never been laid,                                        
One as pure as me, you'll not find.                         
                                                            
59194 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS                             



What gift does thou mean to bestow,                         
On this Maiden, pure as driven snow?                        
I'm now overwrought,                                        
With an impure thought,                                     
That I might give your ego a blow.                          
                                                            
59195 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS                             



I went to a similar conference,                             
I unveiled my dick, the sad queen for once                  
Was covered in mirth                                        
At my weapon's girth,                                       
And promptly she dubbed me Sir Cumference.                  
                                                            
59196 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Tiddy Ogg                



I was thoughtless and badly mistaken,                       
And my pet pig felt gravely forsaken.                       
I had not used my head,                                     
When I casually said,                                       
"I'm naming you Sir Francis Bacon."                         
                                                            
59197 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Bob Birch           P0012



One dark night, Sir Joli d'Esprit,                          
In full armour went out to pee.                             
He couldn't release                                         
His riveted cuisse,                                         
And his suit filled up to his knee.                         
                                                            
59198 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Annie Jay                



The Queen got a look at my groin                            
And straight away asked me to join                          
Her round-tabled knights.                                   
So, there in my tights,                                     
The Queen knighted me as "Sir Loin!"                        
                                                            
59199 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS                             



Her beauty awakened my riser,                               
But it gushed like the Yellowstone geyser,                  
When it sprang from my pants                                
At the thought of romance,                                  
So she christened me Little Sir Prizer.                     
                                                            
59200 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Hugh Clary               



The Queen dresses frilly and slinky,                        
And's into a game that's quite kinky.                       
She serves men bean soup,                                   
Goes down while they toot,                                  
Then says, "Dear, I crown you Sir Stinky!"                  
                                                            
59201 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS                             



The Queen said, "Your sordid sex style,                     
While disgusting, sure brings out my smile;                 
You're loathsome and crass                                  
When you probe my ass,                                      
So, therefore, I deem you 'Sir Vile!'"                      
                                                            
59202 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Travis Brasell           



A pair of effeminate knights,                               
In seeking some carnal delights,                            
Abandoned their armor,                                      
Got down with a farmer,                                     
And pranced all around in their tights.                     
                                                            
59203 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Cap'n Bean          P0304



Sir Reginald Boothby of Blore                               
At his club had become quite a bore.                        
Of the stories he told,                                     
At least half were too old.                                 
And the others heard three times before.                    
                                                            
59204 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Warrick Elrod            



A young knight met a maid.  He did charm her.               
And he ne'er had intention to harm her.                     
But she fled black and blue                                 
From the tryst, boo-hoo-hoo.                                
He had fucked her while still wearing armor.                
                                                            
59205 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Don Moore           P0304



In old England there once was a knight,                     
Who would much rather screw than to fight.                  
But King George said, "No, no,                              
Off to war you must go,                                     
For the rich and the religious right."                      
                                                            
59206 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - KNIGHTS    Bob Birch           P0304



Her Ladyship Deborah Keith                                  
Is frequently seen underneath                               
Her favourite horse;                                        
She denies it, of course,                                   
Amid spitting and sucking her teeth.                        
                                                            
59207 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



The Lady Belinda Macbeth                                    
Is often heard gasping for breath;                          
She can't get enough                                        
Of the ready and rough                                      
And the sweat of her gardener, Seth.                        
                                                            
59208 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



The Lady Virginia Slagg                                     
Is really a geezer in drag;                                 
His Lordship, though conned                                 
Into wedlock, is fond                                       
Of the hairy effeminate fag.                                
                                                            
59209 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Jane's got the hots for my Willie,                     
While John Thomas, in line's looking silly;                 
But poor Susan and Percy!                                   
Do drip, get no mercy!                                      
They'd only be gilding the lily!                            
                                                            
59210 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES                              



Her Ladyship Barbara Blott                                  
Goes hiking in summer with Spot,                            
Her golden retriever                                        
Who laps at her beaver,                                     
And screws her insatiable twat.                             
                                                            
59211 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Margaret had never been keen                           
On a hostess who served margarine.                          
She would not eat her bread                                 
With a synthetic spread,                                    
And thought people who did, quite obscene.                  
                                                            
59212 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Scandalous Limerix       



The Lady Matilda at Beaver,                                 
Was such a persistant deceiver,                             
That the Abbot of Leicester,                                
Although he confessed her,                                  
Would seldom, if ever, believe her.                         
                                                            
59213 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Gertrudia Godbury Greene                               
Was know to be quite awfully keen                           
On the sexual joys                                          
That she found with young boys,                             
And old men, and all those in between.                      
                                                            
59214 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Warrick Elrod            



Milady Penelope Dobbs                                       
Gives all of the dirtiest jobs                              
To lads under twenty                                        
With muscles a-plenty                                       
And over-excitable knobs.                                   
                                                            
59215 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Millicent Maude Montague                               
Would make sex for low classes taboo.                       
But she woke up to see                                      
If prohibited, she                                          
Must brew her own tea, and serve too.                       
                                                            
59216 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Warrick Elrod            



Lady Harriet Hathaway-Hall,                                 
Whose twelve marriages all seemed to pall,                  
Was still eager and keen,                                   
But she feared that thirteen                                
Would bring her the worst luck of all.                      
                                                            
59217 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Warrick Elrod            



A titled lady turned up at the ball;                        
She was as thin as a rake, and too tall.                    
There were scenes of depravity,                             
When the forces of gravity                                  
Gave way as she entered the hall!                           
                                                            
59218 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Arthur Pattaffy          



M'Lady Amelia Morse                                         
Is quite unbelievably coarse;                               
With airs and with graces,                                  
She'll go to the races,                                     
But only to nobble a horse.                                 
                                                            
59219 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Pamela Pilkington-Price                                
Would cut people dead in a trice.                           
She was snooty as Hell,                                     
And mean tempered as well;                                  
Moreover, she wasn't so nice.                               
                                                            
59220 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Warrick Elrod            



M'Lady Petunia Snoot                                        
Is so indescribably cute,                                   
That merely a glance                                        
Causes angst in one's pants,                                
With a 21-gun type salute.                                  
                                                            
59221 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Diana Devonshire Dee                                   
In bed was as sly as can be.                                
When a man would entreat,                                   
She'd wrap up in a sheet,                                   
And teasing say, "What was your plea?"                      
                                                            
59222 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Warrick Elrod            



My Lady, Angelica Scrote                                    
Communicates only by note;                                  
She hasn't a choice                                         
For she can't use her voice                                 
After servicing Billy the goat.                             
                                                            
59223 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Harriet Hathaway Hill                                  
Would risk anything for a thrill.                           
She made parachute jumps,                                   
Scaled Mount Everest's humps,                               
And had sex without using the pill.                         
                                                            
59224 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Warrick Elrod            



Miss Wanda-Elizabeth Ash                                    
Connected her names with a dash;                            
A snotty old bitch,                                         
She was sinfully rich,                                      
And she never was lacking in cash.                          
                                                            
59225 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Cap'n Bean          P0207



Now Lady Armach is from Bemster,                            
And married, alas, to Lord Dempster,                        
Whose dick is so small,                                     
She would much rather ball                                  
'Neath the sheets with her fluffy pet hemster.              
                                                            
59226 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Peter Wilkins            



Lady Pomercy Puddlestone Pugh                               
Liked watching the apes in the zoo.                         
She would go every day,                                     
And so long would she stay,                                 
The apes thought she was one of them, too.                  
                                                            
59227 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LADIES     Warrick Elrod            



Lord Timothy Todhunter Timms                                
Was known for peculiar whims.                               
In Hyde park he would pose                                  
With a ring through his nose,                               
And swing like an ape from tree limbs.                      
                                                            
59228 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



'Twas Lord Fymble-Thumberly's fear                          
Of chewing his mistress's ear,                              
That finally led                                            
Her to leap into bed                                        
With his dentures and do something queer.                   
                                                            
59229 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Beelzebub                



Lord Frederick Foxe Featherfair                             
Was never seen here nor seen there.                         
If he seemed to draw near,                                  
He would soon disappear,                                    
So of Frederick the question was "where?"                   
                                                            
59230 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



They called it "The Land Time Forgot,"                      
Where lords struck perversional plot;                       
The male subjects hated,                                    
Though women elated,                                        
When lords called for evenings of twat.                     
                                                            
59231 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS                               



Lord Phillip Fitzfollian French                             
Is a man for the tankard and wench.                         
At the law he's a fluke,                                    
But he hunts with a duke,                                   
So he sits on the Queen's highest bench.                    
                                                            
59232 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



Lord Algernon Ambruster Ames                                
Had a plan to be sly with the dames.                        
He would ply them with gin                                  
And hope they'd give in,                                    
But his wife made him forfeit his games.                    
                                                            
59233 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



Lord Titus Trevelyen Terhune                                
Had a tongue like a viper's harpoon.                        
He insulted all men,                                        
But stopped doing it when                                   
He insulted a seven foot goon.                              
                                                            
59234 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



The late Lord Louis Mountbatten                             
Spoke no languages, not even Latin.                         
Just a few words of French,                                 
At which people would blench,                               
When they heard him say, "Bring notre cat in."              
                                                            
59235 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Spike Mulligan           



His Honour Lord Richard of Bast                             
On a holiday cruise, breathed his last.                     
He succumbed to the creeps                                  
When out of the deeps                                       
Rose the daughters he drowned in years past.                
                                                            
59236 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Beelzebub                



Lord Shottwad's mum said, "What disgrace!                   
You've once again spunked on my lace;                       
Swear on your good name                                     
You'll take better aim,                                     
And target the nose on her face!"                           
                                                            
59237 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS                               



Lord Frederick was high upper class,                        
But fancied a low country lass.                             
When he said he would wed,                                  
His Dame mother dropped dead,                               
And his Sire threw him out on his ass.                      
                                                            
59238 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



In England they think it untoward                           
For a person to garner a hoard                              
Of money from trade,                                        
And their scorn is displayed                                
By making the fellow a lord.                                
                                                            
59239 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      A N Wilkins         P8605



Lord Amberly Applethorpe-Ames                               
Looked askance at nude sexual games.                        
So, with girls in his bed,                                  
He wore night-shirts instead,                               
Which diminished the fun for the dames.                     
                                                            
59240 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



Lord Waverly Wilberforce White                              
Was a man who was far to the right.                         
Steal a half ounce of bread                                 
And he'd axe off your head,                                 
Then declare you were now the right height.                 
                                                            
59241 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Warrick Elrod            



Lord Bangham-Together de Vere,                              
Is Her Majesty's favorite peer.                             
He amuses the queen                                         
With his antics obscene,                                    
And her corgis are living in fear.                          
                                                            
59242 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS                               



Screamed the valet of lecherous Lord Purce,                 
As he saw him attack his own nurse,                         
"The squire is on fire                                      
With suppressed desire;                                     
We will just have to shoot him -- or worse!"                
                                                            
59243 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - LORDS      Armand E Singer       173



The royal facade further buckled                            
With Fergie's big toe getting suckled.                      
Her topless parading                                        
Meant Andy was trading                                      
His crown for the horns of a cuckold.                       
                                                            
59244 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Rowdy Jack               



There was a young Prince of Bombay,                         
Who always would have his own way;                          
He pampered his horses                                      
On five or six courses;                                     
Himself eating nothing but hay.                             
                                                            
59245 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Walter Parke             



Her Highness Theresa-Octavia,                               
Princess of the Kingdom Moldavia,                           
Fifteen and precocious,                                     
Indulged in atrocious                                       
Unladylike royal behavia.                                   
                                                            
59246 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Peter Wilkins            



At banquets honoring the Great,                             
She would toy with the food on her plate;                   
But would soon get to grips                                 
By unzipping their zips,                                    
While discussing Affairs of the State.                      
                                                            
59247 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Peter Wilkins            



The horse box, whose name was Camilla,                      
Would phone the mad son of Prince Philla.                   
And Charlie's a champion;                                   
He will be the tampion                                      
Camilla will next use to filla.                             
                                                            
59248 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Archie                   



Oh Charlie and Fergie and Di,                               
Can anyone tell us just why                                 
You behave as you do,                                       
When you know when you're through,                          
Royalty gets another black eye.                             
                                                            
59249 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Warrick Elrod            



I once said to the Crown Prince of Spain,                   
"I find that your conduct's germane.                        
After checking the crotches                                 
Of your Princess and Duchess,                               
It's no wonder you choose to abstain."                      
                                                            
59250 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Arthur Deex         P8308



"Dearest nephew, my words I won't mince,"                   
Said Duke Wessex, "that scowl makes me wince.               
So my digital ace                                           
Has deleted your face,                                      
And will paste in the smile of a prince!"                   
                                                            
59251 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



"Oh please", said the Duchess of York                       
To young Andrew; "Just give me a fork."                     
But young Andrew said, "Nay,                                
I have Charles here to stay,                                
And Camilla is popping his cork."                           
                                                            
59252 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



"I'm scared of what Mummy might say                         
If she caught us all forking away;                          
And my Dad, Phil the Greek,                                 
Might be tempted to peek,                                   
And the Press would join in the affray."                    
                                                            
59253 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



"'Twould cause the most terrible scandal;                   
I'm really not sure I could handle                          
It."  "Oh, you're so limp",                                 
Said the Duchess, "You wimp;                                
Guess I'll have to make do with a candle."                  
                                                            
59254 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



Mr. Morris, worn out, I suppose,                            
In a meeting, slipped into a doze.                          
So he got it confused                                       
When Bill Clinton enthused:                                 
"Lick the enemy; keep on your toes."                        
(this could be Fergie's foot friend)                        
59255 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man very neat,                            
Who liked to suck upon feet.                                
He'd like to do Fergie,                                     
But her feet had the 'lergies,                              
Because she'd had the entire fleet.                         
                                                            
59256 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Sausage Sid              



They say Fergie's bought her a palace                       
In Italy somewhere, not Dallas.                             
In exchange for a home                                      
A few hours from Rome,                                      
I'd keep her amused with my phallus.                        
                                                            
59257 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



Randy royals can't help breeding malice                     
When the sceptre they wield is a phallus;                   
The sun never sets                                          
On their conquests, so let's                                
Rechristen it "Fucking 'Em" Palace!                         
                                                            
59258 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Rowdy Jack               



The maiden was considered quite chaste,                     
Those who courted her, thought this a waste.                
With her, they did reason;                                  
She said 'twould be treason.                                
She was already the royal prince's taste.                   
                                                            
59259 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Arthur Pattaffy          



The hot-blooded princess of Ophir                           
Wears see-clear-through gowns trimmed in faux fur;          
Though she loves to disport                                 
With young swains from the court,                           
The King caught her humping his chauffeur.                  
                                                            
59260 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Armand E Singer     P9901



Since the crowned heads of Europe are few,                  
It's not strange that they got in a stew                    
When their coup-conscious courts                            
Heard disturbing reports                                    
That a prince might be mounting a Koo!                      
(Koo - Koo Stark, porn queen date of Prince Andrew)         
59261 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



'Tis true.  Margaret's gone to her rest,                    
Without happiness, her lifelong quest.                      
She heeded her sister                                       
And gave up her Mister,                                     
Proving Queenies don't always know best.                    
                                                            
59262 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Theater Gypsy            



Had she married her Group Captain Peter,                    
Perhaps Meg's life would've been sweeter.                   
Divorces weren't legal                                      
For those who were regal.                                   
I hope that in Heaven, he'll meet her.                      
                                                            
59263 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Theater Gypsy            



She had Tony and Roddy, it's true,                          
But neither of them seem to do.                             
So I'm lifting my glass                                     
For that poor wretched lass,                                
Who could not, to her own self be true.                     
                                                            
59264 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Theater Gypsy            



Our Margaret's being cremated;                              
That means she's burned and she's grated.                   
All that whiskey, Ma'am --                                  
An eternal flame?                                           
At least one that's highly inflated.                        
                                                            
59265 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Tony Burrell             



In the past, hags were sent on fire,                        
Because of the fear they'd inspire.                         
Margaret was a bitch;                                       
No, I didn't say witch.                                     
Too late, they have just lit the pyre.                      
                                                            
59266 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Tony Burrell             



Now Wessex's Earl, young Prince Ed,                         
Has unwholesome thoughts in his head,                       
As wife, Countess Sophie                                    
Manhandles his trophy,                                      
And licks at the tip, shining red.                          
                                                            
59267 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



When they asked a pert baggage named Alice,                 
Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,                 
"Was he modest or vain?"                                    
"Was he regal or plain?"                                    
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"                   
                                                            
59268 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES                             



While in France, England's King, hunting males,             
Fucked a man in the ass in Marseilles.                      
When the man shit a turd                                    
Said the King, " 'Pon my word,                              
I will christen this turd Prince of Wales."                 
                                                            
59269 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Albin Chaplin   3024-0939



Prince Philip, a knave of high station,                     
Never mastered mature 'jaculation.                          
His dysfunction, he'd boast,                                
Leapt from pre- to quite post-                              
In the course of one Christmas vacation.                    
                                                            
59270 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Arthur Deex         P8708



From the bed all the blankets were flung,                   
And a shriek tore the breath from her lung,                 
As the princess did flee,                                   
But not from the pea,                                       
'Twas the spring of each mattress which sprung.             
                                                            
59271 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Tin Lizzard              



Reginald says to old Smedley, "I say,                       
Did you see our equestrian today?                           
Princess Anne and her steed,                                
Looked so grand, yes indeed,                                
By bad luck were flunked 'long the way."                    
                                                            
59272 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Allen Wolverton          



"Seems that dung on the main trotting course                
Served to make the judge scream until hoarse."              
Smedley says, "What a shame!"                               
(Lowers voice)  Who's to blame?"                            
"No, No, No," Reggie groans, "'Twas the horse!"             
                                                            
59273 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Allen Wolverton          



Now, why, Princess Anne, are you chiding                    
Your saddle," the judge asked, "while riding?"              
"Because there's no horn,"                                  
She exclaimed with scorn,                                   
"To grip with my cunt -- thus I'm sliding!"                 
                                                            
59274 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Travis Brasell           



And here's Princess Anne at the trot;                       
Her pommel just stroking that spot.                         
To give a reaction                                          
Of full satisfaction,                                       
Ensuring that she's getting hot.                            
                                                            
59275 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Tiddy Ogg                



Britain's horse-racing expert, Lord Frupp,                  
Related to the German clan Krupp,                           
But the difference 'twixt him                               
And Prince Phillip is slim,                                 
Because he's given the Royal Hunt Cup!                      
                                                            
59276 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    H Myers             T9801



Now Wessex's Earl, young Prince Ed,                         
Has unwholesome thoughts in his head,                       
As his wife, Princess Sophie,                               
Manhandles his trophy,                                      
And licks at the tip, shining red.                          
                                                            
59277 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Tiddy Ogg                



In this coach are William and Harry,                        
They both are as happy as Larry,                            
With Princess Eugenie                                       
Fellating each weenie;                                      
In this state they'd sure like to tarry.                    
                                                            
59278 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Tiddy Ogg                



It seems they've arrived at the church;                     
Old Phillip dismounts with a lurch.                         
I think he's as drunk                                       
As a monk in his bunk.                                      
I hope he don't fall off his perch.                         
                                                            
59279 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a princess named Rose,                       
And where she is now, no one knows.                         
It is rumored she fled,                                     
Or at least, so it's said,                                  
From a prince with a very long nose.                        
                                                            
59280 ROYALTY - PEERAGE - PRINCES    Prinny Running           



Rasputin, the maddest of monks,                             
Regarded a head that he'd shrunk.                           
Said he, "If my Pyotr                                       
Were just a bit shyotr,                                     
And I were a little more drunk..."                          
                                                            
59281 ROYALTY - RUSSIA                                        



Forget it, that's way too bizarre!                          
Necro-head from a dead commissar?                           
It's neater and cleaner                                     
Inside the Tsarina,                                         
And more fun than screwing the Tsar!                        
                                                            
59282 ROYALTY - RUSSIA                                        



Some say Catherine the Great was a rip,                     
Who, with men or with horses would flip,                    
And writhe in the spasms                                    
Of multi orgasms;                                           
This monarch was Kate in the grip.                          
                                                            
59283 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Bob Giandomenico    P0306



Catherine the Great got her due                             
Having sex with a horse, and that's true!                   
It's no fun, of course                                      
Falling off of a horse,                                     
But how 'bout when a horse falls off you?                   
                                                            
59284 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Theo Heller         P9112



All the guardsmen called Catherine "The Great",             
For she never made any man wait.                            
And the whole palace crew                                   
Knew what they must do                                      
When called out for their very first date.                  
                                                            
59285 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               John E Mayhood           



Catherine the Great's trusty steed                          
Satisfied every physical need,                              
Save for one. For he said,                                  
"Just give me my head,                                      
But not vice verse...I'm off my feed."                      
                                                            
59286 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Theo M. Heller      P9206



It is rumored that Catherine the Great                      
Had a strange personality trait,                            
Which left her imbued                                       
With a need to get screwed                                  
By groups of two, four, six or eight.                       
                                                            
59287 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Loren Fitzhugh      P9204



Said Catherine the Great to her pet,                        
"There, there. Don't be jealous and fret.                   
Just jump in my lap                                         
And we'll have a nice nap.                                  
You're the handsomest donkey I've met."                     
                                                            
59288 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Don Moore           P9204



Those tales about her and a pony,                           
Catherine the Great tagged as phony.                        
Though she had no remorse                                   
Making love to a horse,                                     
It was really a lot of baloney.                             
                                                            
59289 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Bob Giandomenico    P9205



When Catherine the Great told her finder                    
To find a stud horse, he'd remind her,                      
The horse might not make it                                 
If he saw Catherine naked;                                  
So make sure that she put on his blinder.                   
                                                            
59290 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Theo M. Heller      P9206



The boudoir of Catherine the Great:                         
So many hussars she'd inflate.                              
If laid end to end,                                         
To Minsk they'd extend,                                     
If measured before they'd deflate.                          
                                                            
59291 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Irving Superior     P9204



By banks that grew steadily steeper,                        
With Potemkin, Kate sailed down the Dneiper,                
To make love in the presence                                
Of numerous peasants,                                       
Who cheered as the rascal went deeper.                      
                                                            
59292 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Norm Storer         P9204



The Czarina could castrate most men.                        
It made simply no difference when                           
Nor even how long                                           
He'd been plying his dong,                                  
She always said, "Do it again."                             
                                                            
59293 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P9204



Great Catherine, scholars relate,                           
Was a ruler who measured her fate.                          
Their research discovers                                    
She'd dozens of lovers,                                     
But dozen't that make her times great?                      
                                                            
59294 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Laurence Perrine    P9205



A builder was Catherine the Great.                          
A palace, her St. Pete estate.                              
Cathedral in Minsk;                                         
Schools/churches Smolensk;                                  
Erections all over the State.                               
                                                            
59295 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Irving Superior     P9204



Since it's sexual bait that's the "baitest,"                
Here's historical research's latest:                        
Rating royal Russian lays,                                  
The extravagant praise                                      
Was for Catherine the Great as "The Greatest!"              
                                                            
59296 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Jim O'Conner        P9205



The morals of Catherine--X rate.                            
Her sex drive was insatiate.                                
Both Kinsey and Freud                                       
On why she enjoyed...                                       
Each lover, a peter, the great.                             
                                                            
59297 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Irving Superior     P9204



Catherine, her passion so stirable,                         
Sought Ivan to make it transferable.                        
After, in a pleased state,                                  
He said, "Catherine, you're great."                         
She sneered and said, "Ivan, you're terrible."              
                                                            
59298 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Bob Giandomenico    P9206



There once was a Catherine the Great;                       
With a horse she did copulate.                              
The steed's legs did give,                                  
And she ceased to live,                                     
Though her stud did not seem too irate...                   
                                                            
59299 ROYALTY - RUSSIA                                        



Said Potemkin to Yekaterina,                                
"Leave your projects and peasants unseen. A                 
Platoon of young studs                                      
Awaits with stiff puds                                      
And will fuck their old lusty Czarina!"                     
                                                            
59300 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Jim Vandermeer      P9204



It is true Kate the Great, Russian imp,                     
On her sex life was not known to skimp.                     
Through Winter and Summers                                  
She took on all comers                                      
And this without aid of a pimp.                             
                                                            
59301 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Loren Fitzhugh      P9204



That film about Catherine the Great--                       
A great pre-seduction type date.                            
You start holding hands                                     
While moistening glans,                                     
Till hands inter-glans gravitate.                           
                                                            
59302 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Irving Superior     P9204



Male chauvinists, feminists tell us,                        
Who find Catherine the Great overzealous                    
In pursuit of the spasm                                     
Of joy the orgasm,                                          
Are dirty old men who are jealous.                          
                                                            
59303 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P9204



In days of yore how did they rate?                          
Like man, what made Catherine great?                        
This may be absurd,                                         
But one thing  I heard...                                   
She'd special tricks with one's prostrate!                  
                                                            
59304 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Jane D. Hughes      P9204



Said Catherine the Great, "My intent                        
Is to show my penchant and my bent                          
To develop a plan                                           
And to prove that I can,                                    
With aplomb, fuck a whole regiment."                        
                                                            
59305 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Loren Fitzhugh      P9204



Her majesty could not abide him.                            
She'd tease him and always deride him.                      
But her lust made her waive                                 
And she said of her slave,                                  
"The serf's up and I plan to ride him."                     
                                                            
59306 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Al Willis           P9511



A young serf, the one man who could thrive                  
With Catherine's relentless sex drive,                      
Never had to beg pardon                                     
For not having a hard on,                                   
But his heart was too weak to survive.                      
                                                            
59307 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A N Wilkins         P9204



In the stable one evening they found                        
Great Catherine, her corsets unbound,                       
Involved in a dalliance                                     
With one of her stallions.                                  
But she said, "I'm just horsing around."                    
                                                            
59308 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Bob Giandomenico    P9205



Historians give us the facts:                               
"Kate's morals were terribly lax;                           
Why even a pinto                                            
Was asked to get into                                       
Her nymphomaniacal slacks!"                                 
                                                            
59309 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Norm Storer         P9204



The potential studs might be dismayed,                      
But before the Czarina was laid,                            
Princess Dashkov instead,                                   
Took the testee to bed                                      
To see whether they'd make the grade.                       
                                                            
59310 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P9204



Correcttion! It's Catherine, The Gate.                      
Her lovers take numbers and wait.                           
However the word                                            
Each next number heard                                      
Explains why the incorrect "GREAT."                         
                                                            
59311 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Irving Superior     P9204



The Czarina said, "It's my fate                             
To have lovers both kinky and straight.                     
And I am not annoyed,                                       
Au contraire, overjoyed                                     
When my Cossacks say, 'Catherine, you're great!'"           
                                                            
59312 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Loren Fitzhugh      P9203



That era's Inquirer, Celibrateski,                          
Told tales of Peter and his mateski;                        
In back seat of sled                                        
"Da," she always said,                                      
Thereby proving what made Catherine Greatski!               
                                                            
59313 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Jane D. Hughes      P9204



You spell Catherine with a C.                               
If K, incorrect it will be.                                 
That is to say                                              
If you see K,                                               
The editor screwed up, not me.                              
                                                            
59314 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Irving Superior     P9204



"As the schedule of any crowned head,"                      
The great Empress Catherine said,                           
"Is filled early and late                                   
With functions of state;                                    
I do my best thinking in bed."                              
                                                            
59315 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P9204



In Catherine the Great's huge demesne,                      
The largest the Russians had seen,                          
Every inch was her turf.                                    
She ruled noble and serf,                                   
And her pubes, in turn, ruled the Queen.                    
                                                            
59316 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P8601



In St. Petersburg, Catherine's demesne,                     
A nobleman handsome and lean,                               
Or a serf who was young                                     
And properly hung,                                          
Could make fortunes by making the Queen.                    
                                                            
59317 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P9204



Catherine the Great, the Czarina,                           
Called for her stallion, Schlangina.                        
Some think it weird                                         
But it's not to be feared,                                  
Like sex with her laughing hyena.                           
                                                            
59318 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Harry Rubin         P9204



Kate the Great, much irate, said, "It's clear,              
Court procurer, you've got a bum ear.                       
I said, 'Bring me a NORSE,'                                 
You dumb twit, not a horse!                                 
Oh, what the hell, long as it's here...."                   
                                                            
59319 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Michael Weinstein   P9408



The young men didn't think it was heaven,                   
But the riches they earned were a leaven.                   
This made the studs glad                                    
To give all that they had                                   
To a toothless crone aged 67.                               
                                                            
59320 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P9204



Catherine's tombstone, frigid as ice,                       
Reveals the Czarina from vice                               
And carnality freed.                                        
One stone serves her need                                   
For whom two would never suffice.                           
                                                            
59321 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P8702



"The Great" Empress, Catherine II                           
Was considered the ultimate screw.                          
Alas, the discourse                                         
That she died 'neath a horse,                               
Is amusing, but wholly untrue.                              
                                                            
59322 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Actaeon                  



Although Catherine the Great, said the muse,                
Was not anyone to make news                                 
Bu dying in bed,                                            
The problem, she said,                                      
Was that nobody seemed to know whose.                       
                                                            
59323 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               A. N. Wilkins       P8308



When Catherine rang for her "mount"                         
It said, "Neigh, not by any account.                        
You're being quite silly,                                   
I'd rather a filly.                                         
Go roll in the hay with some Count!"                        
                                                            
59324 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Theo Heller         P9202



Great Catherine learned from Voltaire                       
Of things that are wonderous and rare:                      
Of crystalline palaces,                                     
Seven foot phalluses,                                       
And pussies worn bare of all hair.                          
                                                            
59325 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Norm Storer         P9204



Said the gay Czar as he brushed a curl away,                
"I like boys, so I run every girl away.                     
Yet my children are strange,                                
They're at home on the range,                               
Out of Catherine, sired by Whirlaway."                      
                                                            
59326 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Theo M. Heller      P9206



So many tall tales have been spawned                        
About Catherine the Great's passing-on.                     
If it's true, it's a shame;                                 
She's as good as they came;                                 
But oh, what a way to have gone!                            
                                                            
59327 ROYALTY - RUSSIA                                        



A Russian Doc said "It's the pits!                          
I can't figure out how they fits.                           
I've made up mama,                                          
Three kids and one Czar,                                    
But I've still got four leftover bits."                     
                                                            
59328 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Mike Forth               



A beautiful Russian Princess,                               
whom a poet was keen to impress,                            
Said, "Don't waste my time                                  
With ridiculous rhymes,                                     
And please keep your hands off my dress."                   
                                                            
59329 ROYALTY - RUSSIA                                        



In Ireland at some ancient date,                            
They found fire, so comfy and great.                        
Each cold night it was fine,                                
At a quarter past nine,                                     
That's the time they would peater the grate.                
                                                            
59330 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Tom Patton          P0203



This month we are bashing Catherine                         
With limericks disgusting, obscene.                         
This month--word pollution!                                 
Next month--absolution--                                    
Elizabeth One, Virgin Queen.                                
                                                            
59331 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Irving Superior     P9204



When Catherine the Great was in need,                       
She was told by her trusty old steed,                       
"If you somehow expect                                      
To get oral sex,                                            
Forget it. I'm off of my feed."                             
                                                            
59332 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Theo M. Heller      P9206



There once was a harlot named Dar                           
Who screwed a most affluent Czar;                           
He paid for her loins                                       
With a mountain of coins,                                   
An apartment, a watch and a car.                            
                                                            
59333 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Cap'n bean          P0204



There once was a Russian, a tar.                            
Very posh.  Had a beard.  Owned a car.                      
Would spurt as I piddled                                    
And claimed, taradiddled,                                   
I'm not just a tar, I'm the Tsar!                           
                                                            
59334 ROYALTY - RUSSIA               Aunt Mable               



Said Alfred the Great: "All it takes,                       
Is one or two minor mistakes,                               
To eclipse all your fame,                                   
So forever your name,                                       
Is remembered for burning the cakes."                       
                                                            
59335 ROYALTY - ZKING                Richard Long             



His Majesty, King Frederique,                               
Appointed, as jester, a freak                               
Whose pranks so beguiled,                                   
That the king went half wild,                               
And was at his wit's end in a week.                         
                                                            
59336 ROYALTY - ZKING                Bob Giandomenico    P9111



The beautiful Madame Lupescu,                               
Once came to Romania's rescue.                              
It's a very fine thing,                                     
To be under a king.                                         
Is democracy better, I esk you?                             
                                                            
59337 ROYALTY - ZKING                Anon, 1940's        L1471



Said a gluttonous king, as round as a tub,                  
While addressing the Royal Dieting Club:                    
I'd sail to the ends of the earth,                          
To diminish my girth,                                       
If I had a ship big enough to carry the grub.               
                                                            
59338 ROYALTY - ZKING                                         



"Now hand me that SPAM," said the King.                     
"I think that I'll just have a fling."                      
With an accurate eye,                                       
He squashed a gadfly                                        
Which happened to be cleaning its wing.                     
                                                            
59339 ROYALTY - ZKING                Mike O'Conner            



"The other can, please," said the prince.                   
"The King's antics sure do make me wince."                  
And he hit the fat King                                     
On his wing-a-ding-ding,                                    
So the King had to give it a rinse.                         
                                                            
59340 ROYALTY - ZKING                Mike O'Conner            



Said Chan, Chinese heir to the Mings,                       
"We rulers indulge in such things                           
As horse racing, stamps,                                    
Sleek yachts, hunting camps,                                
And fucking, the real sport of kings."                      
                                                            
59341 ROYALTY - ZKING                Armand E Singer       781



First spoke the King of Siam:                               
"For women I don't give a damn.                             
I get all my joys                                           
From a fat juicy boys,                                      
I'm a cocksucking monarch, I am!"                           
                                                            
59342 ROYALTY - ZKING                                    G1045



The queen had a cute chambermaid                            
Whom most of the butlers had laid.                          
The king, liking head,                                      
Told her, "Come to my bed."                                 
So what could she do? She obeyed.                           
                                                            
59343 ROYALTY - ZKING                Al Willis           P9802



When addressing the Monarch polite,                         
To be 'proper', and perfectly 'right',                      
Though both are correct,                                    
To show my respect;                                         
Is it 'Dipshit', or simply 'Gobshite'?                      
                                                            
59344 ROYALTY - ZKING                                         



The Queen got in bed with the King,                         
Prepared for a fine royal fling.                            
But the King, so sedate,                                    
First her pussy he ate,                                     
Then proceeded to do his own thing.                         
                                                            
59345 ROYALTY - ZKING                Albin Chaplin   3024-1874



When His Majesty visited Crete,                             
His deportment was most indiscreet.                         
He disported for days                                       
In the Minoan Maze                                          
With a native both nude and in heat.                        
                                                            
59346 ROYALTY - ZKING                Thomas A. Quinine   P8308



Since their lust didn't have to be mastered,                
Kings "did it" whenever their ass stirred,                  
And that explains why,                                      
Though a prince may rate high,                              
A duke is so often a bastard!                               
                                                            
59347 ROYALTY - ZKING                Lance Payne         P8308



Though craven men fought for old Warwick,                   
His defeat by the king was historic.                        
He kept them from running                                   
By using his cunning,                                       
For he fed all his troops paragoric.                        
(this one is sneaky - McW)                                  
59348 ROYALTY - ZKING                A. N. Wilkins       P8308



So the king is finally dead,                                
Many a tear is sure to be shed.                             
A wonderful man,                                            
And peace was his plan,                                     
And he wore a hanky on his head.                            
                                                            
59349 ROYALTY - ZKING                                         



Young Frederick the Great was a beaut.                      
To a guard, he cried, "Hey man, your cute.                  
If you'll come to my palace,                                
I'll finger your phallus,                                   
And then I shall blow on your flute."                       
                                                            
59350 ROYALTY - ZKING                                    G0827



The powerful King of Hibernia,                              
Returning from India: Purnea,                               
"I could build a sphinx,                                    
Though everyone thinks                                      
Raising rocks would be hard on my hernia.                   
                                                            
59351 ROYALTY - ZKING                VOL 7                    



There once was a Queen, who with malice,                    
Took a leak in the King's favorite chalice.                 
That woman he'd bedded                                      
Has since been beheaded,                                    
And now he's alone in the palace.                           
                                                            
59352 ROYALTY - ZKING                Mike Wheeler             



When the Marquise de Maintenon rose,                        
The King espied laces and bows.                             
The Grand Monarch, endowed                                  
With courtesy, bowed                                        
And whispered, "Madame's quelque shows."                    
(quelque - something, anything : kickshaw)                  
59353 ROYALTY - ZKING                A. N. Wilkins       P8306



There once was a King named Shamus,                         
Who grew exceedingly famous.                                
A drunkard screamed out,                                    
Without thinking no doubt,                                  
"I've seen his Highness. He's heinous!"                     
                                                            
59354 ROYALTY - ZKING                Gearhart                 



"Off with his head!" Shamus screeched.                      
The drunk was dragged through the streets.                  
And what is more,                                           
When his kilt hit the floor,                                
His "head" soon lay at his feet.                            
                                                            
59355 ROYALTY - ZKING                Gearhart                 



One morning the Monarch said "When                          
May I hope for a Queen of the Glen?                         
I look noble, I'm sure,                                     
But my thoughts are not pure.                               
I'm no better than most other men."                         
                                                            
59356 ROYALTY - ZKING                D W Barker               



A trio of mobsters was known                                
To have kidnapped the King when alone.                      
When his servants had found him,                            
They save him and crowned him,                              
Then threw the three thugs through the throne.              
                                                            
59357 ROYALTY - ZKING                Anon                     



There was an old King called Canute,                        
And the tide he did try to re-route.                        
But he soon had to flee                                     
From the incoming sea,                                      
So he cannot have been very astute.                         
                                                            
59358 ROYALTY - ZKING                Richard Long             



In the land of the Easily Amused                            
The King was completely enthused --                         
Adhesive tape on his finger,                                
Whoopee! What a zinger!                                     
But the peasants were completely confused.                  
                                                            
59359 ROYALTY - ZKING                Dick Ford                



King Fart (I think) said long ago,                          
(My brains are mush so I don't know)                        
"If only we ever                                            
Just limmed we would never                                  
Need zippers, we'd just use velcro!"                        
                                                            
59360 ROYALTY - ZKING                                         



A tidbit on Egypt's King Tut.                               
The peasants must never "tut tut."                          
One Tut-the law read                                        
"Tut Tut" and you're dead.                                  
Unless you can prove that you stut-.                        
                                                            
59361 ROYALTY - ZKING                Irving Superior          



A generous ruler, King Wenceslas,                           
Was arrested because of his pence-lessness.                 
They put him away                                           
For a year and a day,                                       
In an orgy of cold-hearted senselessness.                   
(Good King Sauerkraut looked out, on his feets uneven - McW)
59362 ROYALTY - ZKING                Richard Gaskell          



There once was a monarch named Darius,                      
Whose habits were rather nefarious.                         
He'd lie in the grass                                       
With his crown on his ass,                                  
Saying, "Alas, how my kingdom's precarious!"                
                                                            
59363 ROYALTY - ZKING                                    G2307



Czarinas, dictators, and kings                              
Go in for the goddamnedest things,                          
Like unnatural sex                                          
With this queen or that rex --                              
It sends them on gossamer wings                             
On decadent Las Vegas flings.                               
59364 ROYALTY - ZKING                Armand E Singer       932



The king on a stamp was portrayed --                        
Not his face, but his ass was displayed.                    
So the subjects en masse                                    
Could all lick his ass,                                     
And thus homage by all would be paid.                       
                                                            
59365 ROYALTY - ZKING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2236



King Cole was a merry soul since                            
His Queen choked to death on a quince.                      
He'd a baby son, Sly.                                       
When a dame took his eye,                                   
He'd invite her to look at his Prince.                      
(better than etchings - McW)                                
59366 ROYALTY - ZKING                Laurence Perrine    P8308



There once was a King in a palace,                          
Who drank wine from a gem-studded chalice.                  
While his kingdom decayed,                                  
And his subjects, dismayed,                                 
Grew embittered with anger and malice                       
                                                            
59367 ROYALTY - ZKING                John Eggerton       P0106



Who wants me for a protegee? Nary a                         
Patron, oh what could be scarier?                           
Now "Rock and Roll" gets                                    
All the rich space cadets                                   
Like Ludwig, Mad King of Bavaria.                           
                                                            
59368 ROYALTY - ZKING                Robin K. Willoughby P8602



Monarchy was a grand thing,                                 
Especially if you were the King.                            
To get money, you'd tax,                                    
Your opponents you'd axe,                                   
And of concubines have quite a string.                      
                                                            
59369 ROYALTY - ZKING                Warrick Elrod            



Sneered the mistress of Peter the King,                     
"I'm returning the jewels and your ring.                    
The view from your castle                                   
Ain't worth all the hassle,                                 
And your throne, like your prick, s'no big thing."          
                                                            
59370 ROYALTY - ZKING                Armand E Singer       163



They have such a number of things                           
That kings should be happy as kings!                        
But to live every day                                       
On such public display,                                     
Must it not give their happiness strings?                   
                                                            
59371 ROYALTY - ZKING                Laurence Perrine    P8308



Then said the King of the Czechs:                           
"I, too, have a problem in sex.                             
The men of my nation                                        
Prefer masturbation,                                        
My women are physical wrecks."                              
                                                            
59372 ROYALTY - ZKING                                    G1046



A devious young lady named Alice,                           
Sought to live out her life in a palace.                    
So with mouth and by hand,                                  
And a pussy most grand,                                     
She pleasures the king's royal phallus.                     
                                                            
59373 ROYALTY - ZKING                Lims For Year - 01       



"The best part is right in the middle,"                     
King Alfred said, dousing the griddle,                      
"Though the bottoms and tops                                
Of my cakes are burnt flops,                                
Between you can eat, just a tiddle!"                        
                                                            
59374 ROYALTY - ZKING                Prof M-G           TP9806



Though the butler proceeded to lick,                        
He failed to erect the King's prick.                        
Said the butler, "Your Majesty --                           
Indeed, what a travesty!                                    
How come that my ass does the trick?"                       
                                                            
59375 ROYALTY - ZKING                Albin Chaplin   3024-0849



There once was a nice little kingdom,                       
That the rich folks considered their flingdom.              
In the peasant revolt                                       
When the King tried to bolt,                                
The rebels squared off and soon winged 'em.                 
                                                            
59376 ROYALTY - ZKING                Neal Wilgus         P8308



A royal handmaiden named Bess                               
Caught the King is a state of undress.                      
Said she, wet with pleasure,                                
As her quim took his measure:                               
"My ruler's twelve inches, no less!"                        
                                                            
59377 ROYALTY - ZKING                Ronald R. Jay       P8308



If you travel the world on a spree,                         
Go visit the kings if they're free.                         
(If you're in Iraq                                          
While it's under attack,                                    
It's the safest place there, you could be!)                 
                                                            
59378 ROYALTY - ZKING                                         



The King was an uncommon lout                               
Whose reign caused the peasants to shout,                   
"We will wreck everything                                   
And throw over the King!"                                   
The King cried, "Serf's up! Let's get out!"                 
                                                            
59379 ROYALTY - ZKING                John Dohner         P8803



K was a kind-hearted King                                   
Who once taught a bird how to sing,                         
By knocking a pan                                           
With the knob of a fan,                                     
And a kettle tied on to a string.                           
                                                            
59380 ROYALTY - ZKING                Edmund Dulac 1908 (Bibby)



Now words are a relative thing --                           
They make many an argument ring.                            
What passes for gasses                                      
From the asses of masses                                    
Is called flatulence in a king.                             
                                                            
59381 ROYALTY - ZKING                Rambling Rose            



The last time I dined with the King,                        
He did a remarkable thing:                                  
As he sat on the stool,                                     
And foldled his tool,                                       
He remarked, "If I play, will you sing?"                    
                                                            
59382 ROYALTY - ZKING                                    L1457



There's a monarch who knows no repose                       
For he's dressed in a dual trunk hose                       
And ever there itches                                       
Some part of his breeches                                   
How he stands it the Lord only knows.                       
(Joyce comments on the Austro-Hungarian Empire)             
59383 ROYALTY - ZKING                James Joyce         P9007



I don't know who told good King Hal                         
That Kathryn was my sleeping pal,                           
But he blew his top                                         
And gave her the chop;                                      
That's the unkindest cut et al.                             
                                                            
59384 ROYALTY - ZKING                                         



The king pinched the ass of Miss Depter                     
And said that in bed he'd accept her.                       
She was slow to respond                                     
To the king's royal wand,                                   
So he first pepped her up with his scepter.                 
                                                            
59385 ROYALTY - ZKING                Albin Chaplin   3024-0680



The King tossed and turned in his bed.                      
"I cannot get comfy," he said.                              
Then the queen told the king,                               
"You're a silly old thing!                                  
You've still got your crown on your head!"                  
                                                            
59386 ROYALTY - ZKING                Funfax Limericks         



Our Queen, so surprisingly fair                             
In complexion and beauty (both rare),                       
Was irked by report                                         
Which implied that in court                                 
Her judgments were only "just fair."                        
                                                            
59387 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Laurence Perrine    P8308



She tracked down the source to its lair;                    
And summoned her chief axe-man there.                       
But the source kept his head,                               
Said, "My liege, you're misled.                             
I called all your judgments 'Just! Fair!'"                  
                                                            
59388 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Laurence Perrine    P8308



The air did turn bright green                               
When a fart came out of the Queen.                          
The court sat aghast                                        
At that royal blast,                                        
But stood and sang 'God Save The Queen!"                    
                                                            
59389 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Duncan Cline             



A limerick, terribly crass,                                 
Was stamped on the Queen Mother's ass,                      
Which she put on display                                    
About noon every day,                                       
In a large, oval frame made of brass.                       
                                                            
59390 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Cap'n Bean               



We quite liked the castle at Skipton,                       
Though the place was so wet, we got dripped on.             
There's a quaint old latrine                                
That was used by the queen,                                 
But they don't have the bed that she kipped on.             
                                                            
59391 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Tom Baker           P8806



The queen heard the butler's large phallus                  
Was enhanced by an intriguing callus.                       
She said, "That guy's prick'll                              
Provide me with tickle."                                    
So she stripped and caroused in the palace.                 
                                                            
59392 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Al Willis           P9802



When the Queen viewed the prick of the King,                
No joy to her face did it bring.                            
She said in despair,                                        
"Try fucking my mare,                                       
Or perhaps you can do your own thing."                      
                                                            
59393 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-0232



"The Queen", so an editor said,                             
"Was pleased when a page gave her head.                     
But was more pleased when two                               
Did a synchronized do,                                      
While the Queen did a double-page spread."                  
                                                            
59394 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                        



The Queen a new law once did make:                          
Of pussy no man could partake.                              
So the poor did entreat,                                    
"Tell us, what can we eat?"                                 
Said the Queen, "You can always eat steak."                 
                                                            
59395 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-0854



The ambassador Hermann von Bliss                            
Said, "Something, I fear, is amiss.                         
The terms I projected,                                      
By the Queen were rejected,                                 
For she farted and said, "Here's a kiss."                   
                                                            
59396 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-1191



A lord, who was known for his spryness,                     
Would finger most anyone's thigh-nest.                      
The lord lost his ring,                                     
Offending the King;                                         
He found it up Her Royal Highness.                          
                                                            
59397 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               H Whelchel               



The queen had no sex for a year,                            
For the knights in her kingdom were queer.                  
Then, away in a glen,                                       
She found hetero men,                                       
And she fucked herself silly, the dear!                     
                                                            
59398 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Cap'n Bean          P9811



Said the Queen of Rumania while shitting:                   
"This nauseous act I'm committing                           
Suits only the common herd.                                 
That we Royals must turd,                                   
I consider both gross and unfitting."                       
                                                            
59399 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                   G1452



Last night as I slept with the Queen,                       
She begged as she fingered my spleen,                       
"Honey, please douse the light,                             
Make our pad black as night,                                
For the Queen may be had but not seen!"                     
                                                            
59400 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Sex to Sexty        P8808



A king sadly said to his queen,                             
"In parts you have grown far from lean."                    
"I don't give a damn,                                       
You've always liked ham",                                   
She replied, and he gasped, "How obscene!"                  
                                                            
59401 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                   L1586



When the queen dined with John Jacob Astor,                 
She claimed he could never outlast her.                     
But she failed to account                                   
For his intricate mount,                                    
And resources superior and vaster.                          
                                                            
59402 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-0031



The queen from attackers once flew                          
And cried when her horse dropped a shoe.                    
"Oh, my kingdom will fail                                   
For the want of a nail!"                                    
But the kingdom was saved by a screw.                       
                                                            
59403 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-2046



There was a young man from Madrid                           
Who yelled at the queen, "Oh you kid!"                      
The scandalized queen                                       
Said, "What do you mean?                                    
You just kiss my ass?"  So he did.                          
                                                            
59404 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                   G0125



Sir Leroy George Washington Kappel,                         
Purveyor of corn-cakes and scrapple,                        
Was just seventeen                                          
When endorsed by the Queen,                                 
Who appointed his meat to her chapel.                       
                                                            
59405 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                        



The queen in the closet sits moping                         
Each morning, but she is still hoping                       
That she'll have more chances                               
To hold the stiff lances                                    
Of young palace guards whom she's groping.                  
                                                            
59406 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Travis Brasell           



In bed the new queen spread her feet                        
And awaited the king's royal treat.                         
When the king had undressed,                                
Said the queen, much impressed,                             
"It is mete that we meet to meet meat."                     
                                                            
59407 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin            



Sighed the Queen to a sheep-tending vassal,                 
Ere she sneaked her way back to the castle:                 
"Both my mouth and my quim                                  
Will perform at your whim;                                  
And besides, handsome vassal, my ass'll."                   
                                                            
59408 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                        



The Empress cried out, "Name of Venus!                      
You kill a poor seal for its penis!"                        
The Emperor shot back,                                      
"Sans aphrodisiac,                                          
There'd be no hard feelings between us!"                    
                                                            
59409 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                        



Said the Queen to the King, "I don't frown on               
The fact that you choose to go down on                      
My page on the stairs                                       
But you'll give the boy airs                                
If you will do the job with your crown on."                 
                                                            
59410 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               W. H. Auden              



The King saw a girl from his tower,                         
As pretty and sweet as a flower.                            
So the first day in May                                     
She was Queen for a day,                                    
But she barely was good for an hour.                        
                                                            
59411 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8305



On good old Malaya's shore                                  
Lived a queen with the tastes of a whore.                   
When asked to cohabit,                                      
She would fuck like a rabbit                                
'Gainst the sidewalls, the ceiling, or floor.               
                                                            
59412 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                   G0758



To the eunuch, the Queen of Siam                            
Cried, "Fuck me, O nutless Big Sam!                         
Behind or in front,                                         
Either arsehole or cunt,                                    
One or both,--I don't give a goddam!"                       
                                                            
59413 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                   G0759



The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard,              
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered.                    
He cried, "Oh my dear!                                      
I am coming, I fear!                                        
But the mustard will make you come plus turd!"              
                                                            
59414 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                   L0071



You're attracted to these things obscene;                   
I always pretend I've not seen                              
The real gory things                                        
That my newsboy brings --                                   
I read cartoons and 'bout the Queen.                        
                                                            
59415 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                        



The life of a queen must be sordid;                         
It's news every time that she's boarded.                    
Every groan, every grunt,                                   
Every twitch of her cunt,                                   
Every fart that she lets is recorded.                       
                                                            
59416 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Albin Chaplin   3024-2312



A horny young fool from Chichester                          
Got a job as a Royal Court Jester.                          
He had lust for the queen,                                  
But she started to scream                                   
As soon as he tried to molest her.                          
                                                            
59417 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Captain Infinity         



A queen who's not known to be bright,                       
Had given the king quite a fright,                          
When she said, "I am proud,"                                
And announced it out loud,                                  
"I would sure love to screw every night!"                   
                                                            
59418 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Bob Birch           P0304



Of that bulge in her waist line, I daren't                  
Proclaim with assurance inerrant,                           
That she's growing too fat,                                 
For it's possible that                                      
What she will be will soon be apparent.                     
(Royal Physician commenting on the Virgin Queen's malaise)  
59419 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Laurence Perrine         



Said Queen Isabella of Spain,                               
"I like it just now and again.                              
But I wish to  explain                                      
That by now and again,                                      
I mean NOW and AGAIN and AGAIN."                            
                                                            
59420 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Anon                G0768



The court hadn't seen in an age                             
The King is so vicious a rage.                              
For the queen, so she said,                                 
Went to read in her bed,                                    
Where the King found her stuck to a page.                   
                                                            
59421 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                        



Said the King to his brewer McHenry,                        
"The skill of your brewing I envy,                          
But the fact that your son                                  
Has been tapping the bung                                   
Of the queen, not the kegs, that offends me.                
                                                            
59422 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Steve Wickersham         



The last time I slept with the Queen,                       
She said, as I came on the scene,                           
"It's royalty's night out,                                  
But please put the light out,                               
The Queen may be had, but not seen."                        
                                                            
59423 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Dylan Thomas        L0167



King Frederick exclaimed, "Oh, by Jupiter!                  
The Queen is becoming much stupiter;                        
That is three times already                                 
She's called me 'Dear Freddie'--                            
Then he threw a large bowlful of supiter!                   
                                                            
59424 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Norm Storer              



The Queen had a problem with King;                          
He was old and could not do the thing.                      
She told her Jester,                                        
To get the King's scepter                                   
And use it to make her bell ring.                           
                                                            
59425 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Puff Adder               



Said the Jester, "This is no joke.                          
Lengths not as important as stroke.                         
Let me give you a treat.                                    
I'll take out my meat                                       
And Queeny, I'll give you a poke."                          
                                                            
59426 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Puff Adder               



She said, "I enjoy meat, of course,                         
But for that I have another resource.                       
He has four legs,                                           
And an enormous peg.                                        
Yes, I talking about my horse."                             
                                                            
59427 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Puff Adder               



"If you really want to get me in bed,                       
There's something you can do instead.                       
You can clean out my bung                                   
With your slithery tongue.                                  
I order you to give me some head."                          
                                                            
59428 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Puff Adder               



The Queen had a problem with King;                          
He was old and couldn't do the wild thing.                  
She told the Jester                                         
To get the king's sceptre,                                  
And use it to make her bell ring.                           
                                                            
59429 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                        



Theodora, the Queen of Byzance,                             
Is remembered for having hot pants.                         
At one soiree de luxe,                                      
She took on three dukes,                                    
Two eunuchs, one ape, and four aunts.                       
                                                            
59430 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN                                   G0542



When Victoria's consort got boozed,                         
He proposed that their privates be fused;                   
But the story is told                                       
That the Queen had a cold;                                  
"We are not," she retorted, "abused."                       
                                                            
59431 ROYALTY - ZQUEEN               Thomas A. Quinine   P8308



Till "De Motu" publication,                                 
Blood moved at a tidal station.                             
What through-channels mean is                               
Arteriovenous                                               
Connects lead to circulation.                               
                                                            
59432 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Daniel Ford              



A hopeless illiterate was Tex;                              
He was not too sure of his sex.                             
His check for relief                                        
Brought him nothing but grief.                              
He could not even sign a full X.                            
                                                            
59433 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2812



A biologist of world renown                                 
Says a chromosome's gender is found                         
By being so bold                                            
As to take a good hold                                      
Of its genes...and then pull them down.                     
                                                            
59434 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Rusty Smith              



With the chromosome's genes at half-mast,                   
You usually can tell rather fast.                           
The boy gene is hot                                         
To show what he's got;                                      
The girl gene exposed herself last.                         
                                                            
59435 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Frank Fazed              



Biometrics works on the basis                               
Of 128 standard faces.                                      
We each can be coded                                        
And digitally loaded                                        
Into Big Brother's huge databases.                          
                                                            
59436 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Dr Limerick  02-12-01    



Regardless of fairness or tans,                             
On faces of thousands of fans,                              
Nineteen of the mugs                                        
Turned out to be thugs,                                     
Plus those from Baltimore Maryland.                         
                                                            
59437 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Dr Limerick  02-12-01    



A young crystallographer, Nick,                             
Thinks his specialty should be the pick                     
As Queen of all fields,                                     
Because of its yields:                                      
"After all, just ask Watson and Crick!"                     
                                                            
59438 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Norm Storer         P0108



A male entomologist author                                  
Waxed wrother and wrother and wrother --                    
He socked his own brother                                   
Who called him a mother,                                    
Instead of an eminent mother.                               
                                                            
59439 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Ogden Nash          P9002



There was a young fellow named Chris                        
Who exclaimed, my expertise is this:                        
Epidemiology                                                
And also mycology --                                        
Subjects one cannot dismiss.                                
                                                            
59440 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              K M Briggs               



Such a bother some people have made                         
Of the egg and the chicken debate.                          
Why dispute every claim                                     
Of the first one who came --                                
When it's clear it's the one who got laid.                  
                                                            
59441 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Pat Byrnes               



A volcanic eruption on Java                                 
Led the Baron of Fritzil Palava,                            
In that moment sublime,                                     
To bequeath for all time                                    
The imprint of his balls in the lava.                       
                                                            
59442 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY                                  G2702



The professor inquired once, "Who knows                     
Why some trees become petrified?" Rose,                     
When no one else tried                                      
To answer, replied,                                         
"The wind makes them rock, I suppose."                      
                                                            
59443 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              A. N. Wilkins       P8311



A young bride and groom of Australia,                       
Remarked as they joined genitalia:                          
Though the system seems odd,                                
We are thankful that God                                    
Developed the Class Mammalia.                               
(A couple on Elm Street, Visalia,)                          
59444 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              (Grand Prix Lims 62)G0010



A straight-laced old spinster named Beecher                 
Became a biology teacher.                                   
She taught lads and lasses,                                 
Their heads from their asses,                               
And this was an important feature.                          
                                                            
59445 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Frank Ward          P9311



A marvelous feat, can't denounce it,                        
And the President gets to announce it,                      
There with Collins and Venter.                              
So is Bill the inventor,                                    
Or Gore, who can't even prounounce it?                      
(human genome joint credit 2000)                            
59446 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              John Hardsoft            



His devout family said, "We insist.                         
Remain holy or you'll be dismissed."                        
Add theology                                                
To a science degree,                                        
He became an ichthyologist.                                 
                                                            
59447 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



In the war between lumpers and splitters,                   
There are no nuetral fence sitters.                         
They both think they're right,                              
And enjoy a good fight,                                     
But this DNA stuff gives them the jitters.                  
                                                            
59448 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Chris                    



Consider the volatile splitter,                             
Excited and all of a twitter,                               
At the fun in the game                                      
Of creating a name                                          
For each little variant critter.                            
                                                            
59449 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              C. Loring Brace     P9704



Give no help to poor bastards who roam,                     
Seeking food in the trash cans they comb.                   
It is courting disaster;                                    
They'll just multiply faster,                               
And they'll fuck you right out of your home!                
                                                            
59450 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Albin Chaplin 3024  G1712



Professions that finish with '-gist'                        
Comprise a splendiferous list:                              
Biolo-, Geolo-,                                             
Patholo, Psycholo-,                                         
But more were undoubtedly missed.                           
                                                            
59451 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              R. J. Winkler       P8503



There was a young fellow named Chris                        
For whom biology was bliss.                                 
He modelled it keenly                                       
Writing papers routinely                                    
In which not a comma was amiss.                             
                                                            
59452 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              K M Briggs               



Crowed a scientist, filled with elation,                    
"My studies of rat copulation                               
Will bring fame to my name,                                 
Thanks to money that came                                   
From the National Science Foundation.                       
                                                            
59453 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Norm Storer              



Ivan Pavlov, according to polls,                            
Is a star on Psychology's rolls.                            
His research endeavor                                       
Was dogged and clever,                                      
And taught us "for whom the bell tolls."                    
                                                            
59454 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Loren Fitzhugh      P0109



Said a man to his dog, "Can you tell                        
Who had stayed here last year for a spell?                  
It was Einstein, I'll bet."                                 
But the canine said "Nyet,                                  
It was Pavlov -- does that ring a bell?"                    
                                                            
59455 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2811



A Pavlovian student named Zell,                             
Trained girls to respond to a bell,                         
By shedding their clothes,                                  
And assuming the pose.                                      
He claims that it works rather well.                        
                                                            
59456 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              John Ciardi              



If I get the odor of shrimp,                                
My pecker goes flacid and limp.                             
But I get a huge horn                                       
When a girl smells of prawn,                                
So pheremones are selective, I think.                       
                                                            
59457 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Bob Mornington           



A scientist struggled with charts,                          
Mixing beans and uranium tarts.                             
Politicians would feed,                                     
And plants would procede                                    
To perform on plutonium farts.                              
                                                            
59458 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1986



The zoologist, one Dr. Platt,                               
Can identify beasts from their scat.                        
With an eminent group                                       
Of consultants on poop,                                     
This famed dropping-namer once sat.                         
                                                            
59459 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Bob Giandomenico    P9507



R.I.P. Stephen Jay Gould                                    
A good man who did all he could                             
To snarl defiance                                           
At "Creation Science"                                       
And stop I.Q. testing for good.                             
                                                            
59460 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



These figures should give you a chill:                      
The little space left on Earth still                        
Folks are fucking away                                      
With that twice-a-week lay,                                 
So it's either The Bomb or The Pill!                        
                                                            
59461 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY                                  G1643



Ten billion on Earth without bitchin',                      
Say experts, and life will enrichen.                        
There is food, they agree,                                  
But the experts don't see                                   
That we may have to shit in the kitchen.                    
                                                            
59462 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1953



A narcissist bachelor, Jack Sloan,                          
Declares he loves living alone,                             
Says he'll never wed                                        
And won't share his bed                                     
With anyone but his Sloan clone.                            
                                                            
59463 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Evelyn Bogen        P9705



Memorialized in some rock,                                  
And lasting so long, what a shock!                          
A core sample showed                                        
It was really old!                                          
The things that stones say when they talk!                  
                                                            
59464 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



A year and a month has gone past,                           
Since sampling the rock was done last,                      
And judging by time                                         
And layers of lime,                                         
The airlessness kept things quite fast.                     
                                                            
59465 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



What else did they find?  Tools of stone,                   
And stuff that was made out of bone,                        
And various critters,                                       
The bones cooked as fritters,                               
And other things useful at home.                            
                                                            
59466 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



Just where, again, was this huge dig?                       
They set up in Woodburn their rig,                          
At a small urban park,                                      
With a bullseye to mark;                                    
Who'd ever guess they'd strike it big!                      
                                                            
59467 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



I guess they will name him "Woodburnus,"                    
A lost race that serves just to learn us:                   
The first to arrive                                         
Don't always survive;                                       
They often go right up the furnace.                         
                                                            
59468 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



And now they have just found a third.                       
And if that's not the strangest thing heard,                
They say they've got bones                                  
Amongst all those stones,                                   
Of a huge prehistoric Big Bird.                             
                                                            
59469 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



They might have resembled big crows,                        
But men were the size of its nose!                          
When it flexed its wings,                                   
It flew as if springs                                       
Were mounted just under its toes.                           
                                                            
59470 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



Woodburnus Man hunted big chickens;                         
He chased them all over the dickens.                        
He caught them with spears                                  
And ate them for years.                                     
And all we got left is the pickin's.                        
                                                            
59471 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY              Matthew Montchalin       



The world population's a fright;                            
Its numbers soar right out of sight.                        
Who's to blame? -- bear the brunt?                          
It's the prick and the cunt,                                
And expense of electric light.                              
                                                            
59472 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY                                  G1661



There's a fish known as the Eurasian ruffe;                 
In Lake Superior, it's got the right stuff.                 
Perch anglers say, "Why Me?"                                
This fish is so slimy,                                      
In Lake Huron now, enough is enough.                        
                                                            
59473 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Who'd think that a zooplankton creature                     
With a hook as its dominant feature                         
And its tiny small size                                     
With some dark black large eyes,                            
Could make trouble for fish trying to eat her.              
                                                            
59474 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Seems the fishhook flea's causing some trouble.             
Fish wish it would leave on the double,                     
'Cause the barbs on its tail                                
Make yellow perch wail.                                     
Stop eating our food; it's a struggle.                      
                                                            
59475 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



So how can we stop this invader                             
From feeding in the lake's trophic layers?                  
By inspecting your vessel,                                  
Taking off things that're sessile                           
And rinsing boats with a high pressure sprayer.             
                                                            
59476 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



The invader came over by boat;                              
They thought it was a bit remote.                           
But they had their way                                      
And decided to stay.                                        
And now they all can really gloat.                          
                                                            
59477 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



There once was a purple loosetrife;                         
Into wetlands it gave a new life.                           
Its seeds were dropped;                                     
It couldn't be stopped.                                     
Now would someone please hand me a knife.                   
                                                            
59478 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Through the Erie Canal they did come,                       
Due to settlers who seemed kind of dumb,                    
Changing things over time,                                  
Clearcutting the shoreline,                                 
Making water too warm for salmon.                           
                                                            
59479 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Free of predators, hardly a worry;                          
Lots of good fish to eat in a hurry;                        
Eel-like creatures imvade,                                  
Eating natives they craved.                                 
Populations explode in a flurry.                            
                                                            
59480 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Sea lampreys attach to their host;                          
Making sick, killing thousands, they boast.                 
So many fish creatures                                      
That just want to reach near                                
The rivers and lakes they like most.                        
                                                            
59481 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



The vampires of the Great Lakes,                            
They suck blood from the species they face.                 
Native fish never like 'em,                                 
They yell "Lampreys, take and hike" 'n'                     
Get caught in a barrier, leave this place.                  
                                                            
59482 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Once mom and pop zebra mussel                               
Had started a really big tussle,                            
Then they moved their family                                
Of one hundred and three                                    
Into a pipe with no fussle.                                 
                                                            
59483 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Even though they all clustered low,                         
They impaired the intake water flow.                        
In came the authority,                                      
Who tried to scrape free,                                   
The two hundreds they had now to grow!                      
                                                            
59484 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Alas, the growing family struggled                          
To keep all the three hundred huddled.                      
Some mussels were scraped away                              
To a new place to stay,                                     
Where other mussel families cuddled.                        
                                                            
59485 SCIENCE - BIOLOGY - INVADERS   Anon                     



Algae is an interesting topic.                              
It's too bad they're so microscopic.                        
But Van Leeuwenhoek                                         
Allowed us to look.                                         
They're now loved even by the myopic.                       
                                                            
59486 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Anon                     



I know a bloke from Leeds                                   
Who once ate a packet of seeds.                             
His hair started growing,                                   
Which soon needed mowing,                                   
And he also had problems with weeds.                        
                                                            
59487 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Musaceous may sound rather grim,                            
But ladies, quite proper and prim,                          
From both North and South,                                  
Shove them into their mouth.                                
Bananas also fit a quim.                                    
                                                            
59488 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Larry Davis         P8712



Lazed many a hot summer day,                                
Down the Susquehanna to play.                               
But I never knew,                                           
That bananas there grew;                                    
Brought my own, se llama Jose.                              
                                                            
59489 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



Bananas are not what I measure;                             
I'd rather casabas to treasure.                             
I lick Carol's pair,                                        
Causing RanDog to stare,                                    
Wishing he too could harvest at leisure.                    
                                                            
59490 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



There was an Old Person of Leeds,                           
Whose buns were infested with weeds;                        
A strong herbicide                                          
Enigmatically applied,                                      
Is a bane in the ass, he agrees.                            
                                                            
59491 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Edwardian Leer 031       



Ceriman is a mighty fine fruit,                             
Ma grew in her greenhouse to boot                           
Philodendron Monstera                                       
Of this fruit is the bear-a.                                
Unlike beans, it won't make you toot!                       
                                                            
59492 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



My garden is fodder for bugs                                
And fungus and rabbits and slugs.                           
I fart on the squash,                                       
But still they all knosh.                                   
I wonder if I should try drugs.                             
                                                            
59493 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



A potato plant breeder named Mort                           
Bred a sticky-haired plant, a new sort.                     
And the beetles unwary,                                     
Would be trapped by leaves hairy;                           
They were caught by the hairs that were short.              
                                                            
59494 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Albin Chaplin            



A morbid young lady named Jean,                             
Was known as the Masochist Queen.                           
She used thistles and cacti,                                
In pursuit of her practi,                                   
In a manner both odd and obscene.                           
                                                            
59495 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                   L1706



I met this young Jean as a teen,                            
A nubile, pubescent coleen.                                 
I showed her my phallus                                     
Which she struck with malice,                               
Then smiled as she said, "Just routine."                    
                                                            
59496 SCIENCE - BOTANY               OgniGioia                



Archaeologists have dug up the Plantimal,                   
A creature half plant and half animal.                      
On the one hand herbivorous                                 
On the other carnivorous                                    
And when dining alone, auto-cannibal.                       
                                                            
59497 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Jim Weaver Collection    



A botany student named Gant                                 
Disappeared after winning a grant.                          
He was found unmolested,                                    
But partly digested,                                        
Inside a carnivorous plant.                                 
                                                            
59498 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



Argumentative, caustic Doc Block                            
Loved loud dickering, his trade in stock.                   
He spewed epithets blue                                     
Till admonished, "Screw you!                                
This is Chickory, it isn't Dock."                           
                                                            
59499 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



The Thistle's out cruisin' for Chickeweed.                  
Along comes a cute little Hayseed.                          
Let's cross pollinate!                                      
And now it's too late.                                      
Took seconds to do the misdeed.                             
                                                            
59500 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Marlene Lewis            



When you think of the hosts without No.                     
Who are slain by the deadly cuco.                           
It's quite a mistake,                                       
Of such food to partake,                                    
It results in a permanent slo.                              
                                                            
59501 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Anon (Reed)       (Bibby)



A he-melon suffering droop                                  
Spied a she-melon round as a hoop,                          
And he beamed as he said,                                   
"Come away, let's be wed."                                  
But she sighed and she said, "Canteloupe"                   
                                                            
59502 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter Wilkins            



At first I was nice and I hoed 'em.                         
And once I agreed to explode 'em.                           
With those dandelions,                                      
You can make vintage wines,                                 
But I said, "Oh Hell" and I modem.                          
                                                            
59503 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Al Willis           T9710



The hoeing and raking are fun,                              
As is digging outside in the sun;                           
But the moment to treasure?                                 
The infinite pleasure                                       
One feels when the forking is done.                         
                                                            
59504 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



I love to get out in the garden;                            
(Cross my fingers and begging your pardon).                 
The thrills are inviting --                                 
Almost as exciting                                          
As watching my arteries harden.                             
                                                            
59505 SCIENCE - BOTANY               John E Maywood      P9809



I've decided this forking kerfuffle                         
Each week in my garden's enough; I'll                       
Go buy me a pig                                             
And I'll get it to dig                                      
By remarking, "Hey look, there's a truffle."                
                                                            
59506 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9809



Sweet plant flower secretion, NECTAR,                       
Attacts birds and bees with detector,                       
To find nascent honey,                                      
On days bright and sunny.                                   
They don't know they're the gene pool protector.            
                                                            
59507 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Daniel Ford              



In these days of intense frost, all berries                 
Are more pinkish, like painted by fairies.                  
In the rush caused by tint                                  
Let me give you this hint,                                  
Disappear many fruits such as cherries.                     
                                                            
59508 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



An old mycological freak                                    
Wore glasses, his eyes were so weak.                        
But he still couldn't tell                                  
A false chanterelle.                                        
The funeral's early next week.                              
                                                            
59509 SCIENCE - BOTANY               John Dole Odd BodkinP0203



In the springtime I started in seeding,                     
Then with nitrates my garden I'm feeding.                   
But for whatever the reason,                                
It sure seems that this season,                             
I've spent most of my time out there weeding.               
                                                            
59510 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Bob Birch           P9809



What's reddish and roundish and hairy,                      
And hangs from a bush light and airy;                       
Often hidden away                                           
From the broad light of day,                                
Beneath a stiff prick -- A gooseberry.                      
                                                            
59511 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                   G0351



There once was a man named Ted,                             
With pot growing out of his head.                           
The cause of these weeds                                    
Was from smoking the seeds,                                 
Or so I have often heard said.                              
                                                            
59512 SCIENCE - BOTANY               VOL 10                   



The Hanging Gardens, Babylon,                               
Were innocent of what went on.                              
Some asthmatic chief                                        
In hopes of relief,                                         
Had had the Gardens hanged at dawn.                         
                                                            
59513 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Irving Superior     P9809



My garden's an overgrown mess,                              
For I hate growing plants. I confess                        
That my gardening shears                                    
Have been missing for years;                                
But it causes me little distress.                           
                                                            
59514 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9809



I really abhor horticulture                                 
Though I slave with the hoe and the mulcher.                
The fruit of my labors                                      
Amuses my neighbors,                                        
As food barely fit for a vulture.                           
                                                            
59515 SCIENCE - BOTANY               John E Mayhoodb     P9808



I hardly think science, per se,                             
Could ever be classed as risque,                            
But those pistils and stamen                                
Get hot and start flamin',                                  
And I cannot conceal this hearsay.                          
                                                            
59516 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Al Willis           P9809



John showed his fine plants to whore Gulcher;               
She sneered, "Pour a drink for me, vulture."                
So said John, "I do think                                   
You can lead whores to drink,                               
But you cannot lead a horticulture."                        
                                                            
59517 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Albin Chaplin 3024  P9803



I nutured and watered and fed                               
It, manured it and tended its bed.                          
And it grew (at a pinch)                                    
Just a third of an inch;                                    
Then the bloody thing wilted instead.                       
                                                            
59518 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9809



With murder in mind I embark                                
On my secret mission in the dark.                           
My progress impeded;                                        
I just should have weeded --                                
With poison now I'll make my mark.                          
                                                            
59519 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Marlene Lewis            



We've been fighting the weeds, don't you see,               
In our yard.  They've grown way past my knee.               
Haven't kill bamboo root,                                   
Though we yet again shoot                                   
It with "brush-and-stump root killer" tea.                  
                                                            
59520 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Hilde na Beag            



With Roundup I spray all the weeds;                         
I'm killing them all -- and their seeds.                    
I'll turn a blind eye                                       
As they wither and die.                                     
The night sky will hide my evil deeds.                      
                                                            
59521 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Marlene Lewis            



Warned Granddaddy: "She who hunts roots                     
To kill, has gone into cahoots                              
With Chris, that old 'Sister.'                              
So every wise mister                                        
Should run fast and far in his boots.                       
                                                            
59522 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Travis Brasell           



The liquid was gooey and grey,                              
And smelled like an old horse-drawn dray.                   
But the Gardener said                                       
It kills thrips stone dead,                                 
When used as my best lettuce spray.                         
                                                            
59523 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Archie                   



Ian Grey was a drunk from Bombay                            
Who tippled your best lettuce spray.                        
After pumping his tummy,                                    
The doc said, "You rummy!                                   
The liquid was goo, Ian Grey!"                              
                                                            
59524 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



A green-thumbed redhead named Mauna,                        
Said, as she steamed in a sauna,                            
"Though I have a yen                                        
For Japanese men,                                           
I much prefer bonsai to fauna."                             
                                                            
59525 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Sumac                    



An Euell Gibbons type fellow, Craig Camp,                   
Went foraging for some fresh ramp.                          
He boiled them with milk,                                   
Mashed his spuds smooth as silk,                            
And produced a terrific Ramp Champ.                         
                                                            
59526 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Steven A Shaw            



Anjon, Bosc, Cornice pears, don't you see,                  
Bartlett's and Prickly ones are for me.                     
Every species I savor.                                      
Among them I've no favor-                                   
ite.  With me they've achieved parity.                      
                                                            
59527 SCIENCE - BOTANY               L C Fitzhugh        P0112



An herbaceous border named Clint                            
Was planted in sand and some flint.                         
As thru life he cruised,                                    
His roots badly bruised,                                    
He's cursed with lust for a mint.  (labiatae)               
                                                            
59528 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



Luther Burbank was once heard to plead,                     
"Who can furnish me with what I need,                       
For a hybrid first class                                    
And exotic, not crass?"                                     
To which Burpee replied, "Try this seed."                   
                                                            
59529 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



Today I woke up with a yawn                                 
And went down to the garden at dawn,                        
Where I gasped in surprise                                  
At the height and the size                                  
Of the thistles invading the lawn.                          
                                                            
59530 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9809



Old Charlie spends all of his hours                         
In sunshine and thundery showers,                           
Perfecting the lingo                                        
Of plant life and bingo!                                    
His mesembryanthemum flowers.                               
                                                            
59531 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter Wilkins            



'Twas something that all of them dreaded,                   
A horrible thought...to be shredded.                        
When you do horticulture,                                   
Look out for that mulcher,                                  
(You could tell where this limerick was headed.)            
                                                            
59532 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Bob Birch           P9809



Said the mushroom most pleadingly, "Why                     
Do folks doubt me and say that I lie,                       
When I tell them I'm nice                                   
And can prove in a trice.                                   
They should think of me as a fun gi!                        
                                                            
59533 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Loren C Fitzhugh         



A plant-loving woman named Nora,                            
She filled her whole house up with flora.                   
It grew up the walls                                        
And down all the halls,                                     
And provided a natural aura.                                
                                                            
59534 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Cap'n Bean          P9809



There once was a lassie named Linda                         
Who grew all her plants in a winda.                         
The plants grew and grew;                                   
It was then that she knew                                   
That a greenhouse was on the agenda.                        
                                                            
59535 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Chris                    



A friend of mine, young Oscar Sneed,                        
Knew all about plants, soil, and seed.                      
While some of his plants                                    
Won prizes in France,                                       
He never did learn how to weed.                             
                                                            
59536 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Al Willis           P9808



I hope this new compost succeeds                            
In its task of inhibiting weeds,                            
While providing enough                                      
Of the nourishing stuff                                     
For my mesembryanthemum seeds.                              
                                                            
59537 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9809



A wise man by the name of Trevor                            
Wrote sayings he thought were clever.                       
"You can lead a sheep to slaughter.                         
You can lead a horse to water,                              
But not a horticulture, never!"                             
                                                            
59538 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Tom Patton          P9809



A lesbian lady from Leeds                                   
Once swallowed a packet of seeds,                           
In hopes some would grow                                    
Where no man could go,                                      
But all of her offspring were weeds.                        
                                                            
59539 SCIENCE - BOTANY               John Miller 0256         



In my fridge there resides a mold,                          
Whose colors are stunningly bold.                           
When I found it last night,                                 
I said with a fright,                                       
That the thing must be twenty years old.                    
                                                            
59540 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Jim Weaver Collection    



Let the Peanut-Allergic Board notes                         
Show we've got a new head: Redswell Bloats.                 
"I'm not nuts!": these staunch words                        
Helped him garner two-thirds                                
Of the goober-naytorial votes.                              
                                                            
59541 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Anon                     



They called him botanical Billy,                            
On account of his wonderful willy.                          
Its shaft was all dark                                      
And covered with bark,                                      
While his foreskin looked just like a lily.                 
                                                            
59542 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Steve Pridgeon           



I got tired of just whiling away                            
The dusk to dawn hours each day.                            
I know it sounds corny,                                     
But he only gets horny                                      
In a photosynthetical way.                                  
                                                            
59543 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Jim Weaver Collection    



If your little thing stands up for me,                      
I will surely show respect for thee.                        
I'd cut off your treasure,                                  
If it shows a good measure,                                 
And use it as my phylactery.                                
                                                            
59544 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



No need for the wisdom of Plato                             
To know you can't wed a potato:                             
All planning is futile                                      
For tuber ain't utile                                       
For mating -- so pick a tomato.                             
                                                            
59545 SCIENCE - BOTANY               R. J. Winkler       P8405



While gathering onions, Nicholas                            
Heard one whisper, "He's going to pickle us."               
He replied, "Don't be silly,                                
I preferr piccalilli,                                       
Not onions, that would be ridiculous."                      
                                                            
59546 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Funfax Limericks         



There once was a man named Huntz,                           
Who planted an acre of cunts.                               
They came up in the fall,                                   
Pubic hair and all;                                         
Huntz ate cunts for months.                                 
                                                            
59547 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



There's a neighborhood out in the 'burbs,                   
That is heavily into their herbs;                           
They've planted them down                                   
All over the town;                                          
On the street sides, along all the curbs.                   
                                                            
59548 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Cap'n Bean          P9809



An old horticulturalist, Tatum,                             
Kept parrots and said, "How I hate 'em.                     
My Mesembryanthemum,                                        
Spurge and Chrysanthemum ,                                  
Died because Polygonatum."                                  
                                                            
59549 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9807



A gardening friend gave me hope                             
When he gave me a heliotrope                                
In a pot as a gift,                                         
But as soon as I sniffed                                    
It, I knew it was probably dope.                            
                                                            
59550 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9809



Salix discolor's an odd sort of phyllo;                     
I mused, laying back on my pillow.                          
In a dioecious genus,                                       
Some are male (without penis)                               
Yet somehow it's called "pussy willow!"                     
                                                            
59551 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Knotweed                 



Horticulturalist Pierre Lebeau                              
Is a friendly young Frenchman I know.                       
He'll yell out "Bon Jour,"                                  
As he shovels manure,                                       
While reciting "You'll reap what you sow!"                  
                                                            
59552 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Bob Birch           P9808



"Your rhubarb, I've noticed it grows                        
By the outhouse, where everyone goes!"                      
Grandad said, "Lad,                                         
It isn't so bad.                                            
They're family.  Just people we knows!"                     
                                                            
59553 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Tutta Gioia              



I just played the Grim Reaper today;                        
Mowed my lawn all by hand, all the way --                   
I was using a scythe!                                       
You don't fear for your life?                               
Someone care for a roll in the hay?                         
                                                            
59554 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



There was a young girl from Naupactus                       
Who had an affair with a cactus.                            
Though she tried many tricks                                
And endured many pricks,                                    
Still the cactus is virgo intactus.                         
                                                            
59555 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Michelle Lorvic     P2006



My balls? My dear, I haven't got any!                       
My sex life's an "Intro to Botany;"                         
These ulcers? Good gracious!                                
Scrophulariaceous                                           
Reminders I dab with raw rhatany.                           
(rhatany - dried root of two species of scroph)             
59556 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Robin K. Willoughby P8512



"Can't you fools see where this is all leading,             
This nightmare of selective breeding?"                      
He spat on the ground                                       
And then turned around,                                     
And continued on with his weeding.                          
                                                            
59557 SCIENCE - BOTANY               VOL 7                    



Young Geraldine Smith's one of them that is                 
So keen on her garden, (a gem that is,)                     
Lads get a surprise,                                        
When, skirt round her thighs,                               
She willingly shows off her clematis.                       
                                                            
59558 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



Echinacea is horrible stuff!                                
Never had it but I've had enough.                           
I can smell it from here;                                   
It makes shit appear                                        
To be farts through a pink powder puff.                     
                                                            
59559 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Karen                    



A bashful young mushroom named Gus                          
Went courting his girl with a fuss;                         
He shyly pursued her                                        
And anxiously wooed her --                                  
Ecstatic, she yelled, "SOME FUNGUS!"                        
                                                            
59560 SCIENCE - BOTANY               R. J. Winkler       P8405



Said Sonia of Staraya Russa:                                
"By Stalin! Why can't I seduce a                            
Young man to my bed?                                        
I must keep there instead                                   
The fruit of a species of Musa.                             
(Musa - genus of the banana)                                
59561 SCIENCE - BOTANY               John Leighly       G2213a



Old Marg was the spice of Herb's life --                    
Henbane of existence, his wife.                             
Had no money!  (Oh rue!)                                    
Their lovage was true --                                    
They wondered how they could loose strife.                  
                                                            
59562 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



One day while they looked in the myrrh,                     
Old Herb, (parsley deaf) did bestir.                        
Coriander group                                             
Of nudists on the stoop,                                    
Asked "May we rent land from you, sir?"                     
                                                            
59563 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



(Basil, (the scallion!), sheds cloves                       
Endives underneath the oak groves.)                         
"You see that nut, Meg?                                     
Anise naked peg?!                                           
Soon they'll be cumin in droves."                           
                                                            
59564 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



The Spurge went out cruisin' for Chickweed,                 
His only thought scatterin' plantseed.                      
The herbicide got 'im,                                      
'Fore Dad Ragweed caught 'im;                               
New little weeds trying to quick breed.                     
                                                            
59565 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



I'm informed Gregor Mendel has said,                        
"This is gospel, so please have it spread.                  
My research with sweet peas                                 
Made me violently sneeze,                                   
So I just stuck with cactus instead."                       
                                                            
59566 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



Each botany student this week                               
A plant he will study must seek                             
The girl in row three                                       
Very quick, took a pea,                                     
While the student in back took a leek.                      
                                                            
59567 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



When he'd wander around without clothes,                    
She called him a thorn on the rose.                         
When he asked her why,                                      
She gave this reply:                                        
"I've often been pricked-on by those."                      
                                                            
59568 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Fred Cohen          P8312



We have here a woman of needs                               
Requesting the planting of seeds.                           
I think I will toil                                         
At tilling her soil,                                        
If only to see where it leads.                              
                                                            
59569 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



How carefully I sow and I seed;                             
To grow flowers, do all that I need.                        
But one thing that I know                                   
Is what's certain to grow;                                  
It's that damned ubiquitous weed.                           
                                                            
59570 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Warrick Elrod            



Horticulture uplifts Arthur Deex                            
As he strolls by the glades and the creeks                  
Where young lovers abound                                   
And the rushes resound                                      
With the high inspiration he seeks.                         
(Arthur Deex editor of Pentatette)                          
59571 SCIENCE - BOTANY               John E Mayhood      P9809



Phil Stein was a botanist who                               
Took dates to his greenhouse to screw.                      
When his wife heard, of course,                             
She sued for divorce                                        
Citing Phil as a wandering Jew.                             
                                                            
59572 SCIENCE - BOTANY                                        



Some friends had asked me to meet 'em                       
At our great local arboretum.                               
But on the date they appointed,                             
They were sure disappointed,                                
Because I never got there to greet 'em.                     
                                                            
59573 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Popsicle           TP9807



The weeds, I have found never die;                          
It's easier to compute pi                                   
Than to kill those greens,                                  
Who strangle my beans,                                      
And manage to live though I try.                            
                                                            
59574 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Vladdus                  



A byre's a barn full of dust;                               
A flower's a weed that has just                             
Been tricked from the seed                                  
Of the fancified weed,                                      
And can't stand alone.  The weed must.                      
                                                            
59575 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Karen                    



Now digging the garden's a chore,                           
And my hands are all blistered and sore.                    
But it has to be done                                       
Or the weeds will have won;                                 
It's like fighting a hundred year war.                      
                                                            
59576 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Peter J Wilkins     P9809



I submit there's an obvious link                            
You might miss if your eye would just blink.                
Cash could be the mulch or                                  
Jewels could lead to culture                                
Any whore, but then who'd make her think?                   
                                                            
59577 SCIENCE - BOTANY               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



Horticulturally speaking I'm not                            
Very good, though I give it a shot.                         
But I feel such a failure;                                  
My roses and dahlia                                         
Are dying from leaf mould and rot.                          
                                                            
59578 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Peter J Wilkins     P9809



There once was a man from Cleves,                           
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.                            
In half of an hour,                                         
His dick was a flower,                                      
And his ass was a bundle of weeds.                          
                                                            
59579 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS                              



A man had considerable woes;                                
His magnolias grew from his toes.                           
But the strangest of all                                    
Was what grew from his ball                                 
Was a beautiful prize-winning rose.                         
                                                            
59580 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Laurence E Bernstein     



On seeing or smelling a rose                                
The usual comments are "Oh's."                              
But when one is picked                                      
And if one is pricked,                                      
A viler type comment arose.                                 
                                                            
59581 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Irving Superior     P9809



Among my better garden spots,                               
I planted some "forget-me-nots."                            
I drew a map with care                                      
And placed the map somewhere,                               
Among my more disturbing thoughts.                          
                                                            
59582 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Irving Superior     P9809



There was a professor of Botany                             
Who his students called Dr. Monotony.                       
He'd drone on for hours                                     
On the sex lives of flowers.                                
Of his own, they alleged, he'd not got any.                 
                                                            
59583 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Laurence Perrine    P9409



Whenever I am passing by,                                   
To my Hibiscus I say, "Hi."                                 
And when I reach the gate,                                  
As though we had a date,                                    
To my Biennials I "Bye."                                    
                                                            
59584 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Irving Superior     P9809



My old horticultural mate                                   
Says the Hollyhock isn't so great.                          
So I'll plant in your bower                                 
A Kniphofia flower,                                         
Upon which you care to gyrate.                              
                                                            
59585 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Sweet P                  



The woman who grew meconopsis                               
Was asked to give a synopsis.                               
"How can I," she cried,                                     
"When all of them died,                                     
Do more that describe their autopsies?"                     
(meconopsis is hard-to-grow Himalayan blue poppy)           
59586 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Mason Phelps        P9711



When Algernon Smith from Australia                          
Tried to breed a glorious new dahlia,                       
He first got it talking,                                    
And then it went walking                                    
But making it hop was a failure.                            
                                                            
59587 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Funfax Limericks         



A botanist grew a rosebud,                                  
That once fell in love with a dud.                          
But he interfered                                           
As nuptuals neared,                                         
And he nipped the thing right in the bud.                   
                                                            
59588 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Al Willis           P9809



A bold and quite lecherous anther                           
Found a stigma and tried to enchanther.                     
She found it appallin'                                      
That he had no pollen,                                      
So he gave up his plans to romanther.                       
                                                            
59589 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Al Willis           P9809



A rose by any other name...                                 
So Irving (other name) became.                              
But folks began to sniff                                    
And when they got a whiff,                                  
Agreed they do not smell the same.                          
                                                            
59590 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Irving Superior     P9809



I tend to my orchids each day;                              
At night unto Jesus I pray:                                 
"Please spare my Lycaste                                    
From slugs that are nasty;                                  
They munch all the new growth away.                         
                                                            
59591 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Joe                      



A man, though well-liked by the gals,                       
Preferred to consort with his Phals.                        
With Girls, sex was enigma,                                 
Give him anthers and stigma,                                
'Cause orchids were his very best pals.                     
                                                            
59592 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Buz                      



There once was a girl named Amanda                          
Whose family heard her demand a                             
Plant that would flower                                     
In a beautiful shower,                                      
So they happily bought her a Vanda.                         
                                                            
59593 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Betts                    



There was a Vandaceous collector,                           
Who fell for a postal inspector.                            
He cured all her blahs                                      
With the best Yip Sum Wahs,                                 
For for imports he had to reject her!                       
                                                            
59594 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Tim                      



Ascondas will grow in the trees                             
And Laelias bloom in the breeze.                            
But they died in my pot,                                    
And for why, I know not.                                    
Perhaps they don't like a good freeze!                      
                                                            
59595 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Joe                      



There was an old actress named Brenda                       
(She starred in the Prisoner of Zenda)                      
Her manners were gracious                                   
Her orchids vandaceous,                                     
And she had a real good Ascocenda.                          
                                                            
59596 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Betts                    



Whenever I'm heaped with opprobium,                         
I gaze at my post of dendrobium,                            
My spicy anosum,                                            
I know it will grow some                                    
And be worth of a place on the podium.                      
                                                            
59597 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Betts                    



There once was a Paph in a pot,                             
Which wanted to bloom but could not.                        
We gave it, in time,                                        
Some water and lime,                                        
And now the old Paph blooms a lot!                          
                                                            
59598 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Joe                      



A young Cattleya grower named Bunny                         
Claimed that her orchids were funny.                        
She tickled their lips                                      
With colchicine strips                                      
And grew in Plutonium honey!                                
                                                            
59599 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Tim                      



Horticultural life is for me,                               
Sowing seeds with abandon and glee;                         
My Kniphofia grows                                          
'Mid the bushes of Rose,                                    
And Petunia, Heather, and thee.                             
                                                            
59600 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Peter Wilkins            



A young man who fucks knotholes in trees,                   
Says revenge is his reason, and he's                        
Had relations with shrubs,                                  
Since the best garden clubs                                 
Snubbed his purple and pink peonies.                        
                                                            
59601 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Anon                     



Be he victim or vandal or sleaze,                           
He ignores Pete the Park Ranger's pleas:                    
Not to put on a condom,                                     
Pete says, is beyond him,                                   
These days what with Dutch Elm Disease.                     
                                                            
59602 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Anon                     



A herbaceous gardner named Bowers                           
Tried keep his mind off his flowers.                        
But their pistels and stamens                               
(The sex parts, you laymens)                                
Kept pollen grains flying in showers.                       
                                                            
59603 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Archie                   



There once was a rose so red,                               
It existed where buried Ceasers bled.                       
This rose it cried                                          
As one day it died;                                         
Some cretin had chopped off it's head.                      
                                                            
59604 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS                              



The secret of Rhodo and Phil                                
No longer can I keep it still.                              
Rhodo Dendron                                               
Philo Dendron                                               
And happiness evermore will.                                
                                                            
59605 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Irving Superior     P9809



A young man from Bonneville Cays                            
Grew potatoes out of both knees.                            
On the end of his nose                                      
Grew a rare kind of rose,                                   
And you'll never guess where he grew these!                 
                                                            
59606 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Bill Wall                



Hibiscus is flaming and frillier.                           
Oleander is neater and chillier.                            
Frangipani smell sweeter                                    
But is somehow effeter                                      
Than a tower of puce Bouganvillea.                          
                                                            
59607 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Ruth Silcock             



My geraniums, fuschias and phlox                            
Are surrounded by hedges of box,                            
Which I planted to keep                                     
Out my good neighbor's sheep,                               
But they still eat my roses and stocks.                     
                                                            
59608 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Peter J Wilkins     P9809



Planted daffodils all in a row                              
And was proud as I watched them all grow.                   
"I'm a gardening wizard,"                                   
I thought; then a blizzard                                  
Dumped twenty-five inches of snow.                          
                                                            
59609 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Peter J Wilkins     P9809



Why is a chrysanthemum mum?                                 
It is true that all flowers are dumb.                       
Much like a giraffe,                                        
They can't even laugh.                                      
That's why a chrysanthemums mum!                            
                                                            
59610 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Tom Patton          P9809



A tulip bulb, down in Australia,                            
Exclaimed, "I'm a terrible failure!                         
I grew in my sleep,                                         
But I've just had a peep,                                   
And I think I've come up as a dahlia."                      
                                                            
59611 SCIENCE - BOTANY - FLOWERS     Funfax Limericks         



There once was a schoolboy named Mark,                      
Afraid of the trees in the dark.                            
His friends said, "Poor mite,                               
Do you think they will bite?"                               
He said, "No, I'm afraid of their bark!"                    
                                                            
59612 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES                                



Remember the girls here all trust                           
That you don't have "Arboreal Rust".                        
It's a nasty disease,                                       
Oft affecting the knees,                                    
And turns torsos and trunks into dust.                      
                                                            
59613 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES                                



A popular young woodsman named Kline                        
A laurel recieved for work fine.                            
On the beech he got lit,                                    
Then did spruce up a bit,                                   
And proceeded to balsam and pine.                           
                                                            
59614 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-2645



There was a tree surgeon named Dwight,                      
Who had an incredible fright.                               
While curing a tree                                         
It alarmed him to see                                       
That it's bark was much worse than its blight!              
                                                            
59615 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Reminisce           P9310



A badly skinned fellow named Knight                         
Was chased up a tree in a fright                            
By a dog that just nipped him,                              
But the tree badly stripped him,                            
And the bark was much worse than the bite.                  
                                                            
59616 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-2647



Now, I am a tree, born of Pappy,                            
And until just today, I was happy.                          
But some folks annoy me                                     
And nearly destroy me.                                      
When they, without guile, call me sappy.                    
                                                            
59617 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Al Willis           P9809



On the sidewalk, my paper bag sags;                         
It splits open; stuff zigs and stuff zags;                  
Birds fly off with the goods,                               
Eat and poop in the woods;                                  
Grows more trash trees, for cheap grocery bags.             
                                                            
59618 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Allen Wolverton          



And so, watch the life cycle go,                            
Like a fan -- she suck and she blow.                        
When beans in a bag                                         
Are spilled by a fag,                                       
In the woods, they've nowhere to go.                        
                                                            
59619 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Brian                    



But up that young tree like a pole,                         
Where they soak up the air and old Sol,                     
With botanical arts,                                        
They lock up the farts                                      
That, eaten by humans, they dole!                           
                                                            
59620 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Brian                    



Like strippers, the oak and the ash,                        
Each autumn denude in a flash,                              
But the conifer sene                                        
Is to hold on to green,                                     
Like misers preserving their cash.                          
                                                            
59621 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Tiddy Ogg                



In the foregoing our dear author wheedles                   
Us to forget that pines have their needles,                 
Which do indeed fall                                        
Though not at once all,                                     
But their a pain in the ass, yes indeedles!                 
                                                            
59622 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Jenni Saqua              



Of course that's quite true what you've mooted,             
To gales, though, broad leaves are well suited.             
At nature's insistence,                                     
To cut wind resistence,                                     
They're shed so the tree's not uprooted.                    
                                                            
59623 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Tiddy Ogg                



My cottonwood's causing me grief,                           
And not on account of de-leaf.                              
It's roots, you might know,                                 
Gives foundations heave-ho.                                 
The size of some shoots...beyond belief!                    
                                                            
59624 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Jenni Saqua              



"The dogwoods we find in the park,"                         
Explained a professor named Clark,                          
"Grow all in one plot                                       
And are easy to spot.                                       
We distinguish these trees by their bark."                  
                                                            
59625 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       A. N. Wilkins       P8311



Eucalyptus trees are dubbed, down under,                    
Gum Trees, and their seed pods can sunder                   
An unwary foot,                                             
Unerringly put                                              
On top of a nut; Aussies blunder.                           
                                                            
59626 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       John & Liz               



Gum nuts are what these seed pods                           
Are dubbed, differing in size, the sods.                    
From half inch funsters                                     
To two inch munsters;                                       
The big ones can damage your bod.                           
                                                            
59627 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       John & Liz               



But the most important of all,                              
Eucalypts don't drop leaves in fall.                        
The time they all drop                                      
Is when all growth does stop;                               
Permanent dormancy casts its pall.                          
                                                            
59628 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       John & Liz               



The gum tree is sturdy and tall,                            
Deciduously bare in the fall.                               
It's lovely of leaf,                                        
But gave me some grief,                                     
The time I first stepped on its ball.                       
                                                            
59629 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       H Whelchel               



I think you are in for rebutts                              
To correct some botanical ruts.                             
Your complaint about grief                                  
Cumbers with wrong belief                                   
If you think that a gum tree has nuts!                      
                                                            
59630 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Chumly                   



Technically, gums have a fruit;                             
For nits, it's a poor substitute.                           
It can't be comsumed                                        
And I am foredoomed                                         
To rake up each spiny round brute.                          
                                                            
59631 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Chumly                   



Here we just call them gum balls,                           
And arborists spray aerosols --                             
It's tree birth control,                                    
And costs a bankroll --                                     
But stifles those dreaded ball falls.                       
                                                            
59632 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       H Whelchel               



A botany student named Lee                                  
Fell madly in love with a tree.                             
Each knothole with care                                     
He embellished with hair.                                   
And went wild on a tree-fucking spree.                      
                                                            
59633 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin 3024  G2156



A tree-surgeon, though a skilled chap,                      
Couldn't master one great handicap;                         
For despite being good                                      
Treating sickness in wood,                                  
He's faint at the mere sight of sap.                        
                                                            
59634 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Bob Giandomenico    P9411



An old lumberjack named Freeze                              
Spent his life fucking knotholes in trees.                  
He said, "In the summer,                                    
It sure is a bummer,                                        
If you don't check them for bees."                          
                                                            
59635 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Skumbunny                



A perverted young girl of Three Rivers                      
Gives her sisters a case of the shivers;                    
Sexy spasms has she,                                        
Rubbing up on a tree,                                       
And again when extracting the slivers.                      
                                                            
59636 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Keith MacMillan       44c



It was right in the middle of winter                        
Bill ran there as fast as a sprinter                        
But he was so damned hot                                    
The dumbass plumb forgot                                    
With *virgin* you get a big splinter.                       
                                                            
59637 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES                                



Young Douglas (a fir tree) loved Toyah                      
But suffered acute paranoia;                                
Though proudly coniferous,                                  
Tall and splendiferous,                                     
God, how he hated Sequoia.                                  
                                                            
59638 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES                                



Philosopher Arthur C Clark,                                 
Thought dogs climbed up trees after dark.                   
He told Billy Atkins,                                       
"They're chewing the catkins,                               
You listen, you'll hear the tree bark."                     
                                                            
59639 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a logger named Earl                          
Who thought he'd give trees a whirl.                        
He's in pain, alas,                                         
For it came to pass,                                        
The tree was the home of a squirrel.                        
                                                            
59640 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Skumbunny                



A myopic tree surgeon named Lee                             
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.                     
Jeered she, "Shift your whopper,                            
You careless limb lopper!                                   
That's a moss-covered knothole - not me!"                   
                                                            
59641 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES                                



A tree-loving skeptic named Lee                             
Seduced a grown tree with esprit,                           
And in triumph did shout                                    
That he too, without doubt,                                 
Was proficient in making a tree.                            
(What is this shit only God makes trees - McW)              
59642 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-1879



A woodsman who lived in Dundee                              
Had diddled an oak tree with glee.                          
From the end of his cock                                    
Came a wisp of a stalk,                                     
Which grew to a mighty oak tree.                            
                                                            
59643 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-0689



Said the oak, "It's not nice to crow,                       
But trees are much purer, you know.                         
The birds and the bees                                      
Are all nasty sleaze:                                       
But mighty oaks from little acorns grow."                   
                                                            
59644 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Anon                     



A nearsighted Park Ranger named Lee                         
Had his girl pressed up to a tree.                          
"Move your thing up a bit,                                  
If you want to hit clit.                                    
That's a moss-covered knothole...not me!                    
                                                            
59645 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Brad Tribulato           



If you don't mow and leave the weeds be,                    
You'll get more than one species of tree.                   
The more trees you get,                                     
The less mowing to fret;                                    
And all the new shelter is free.                            
                                                            
59646 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Karen                    



Leave the trees be, never mow;                              
Lady Slippers and Violets with grow.                        
Poppies and Crocus,                                         
Buttercups won't choke us                                   
And Sweet William will make our yards glow.                 
                                                            
59647 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Karen                    



In order to pursue great deeds,                             
I planted some trees and grass seeds.                       
In a month, what a mess!                                    
A mistake I confess,                                        
'Cause I can't see the trees for the weeds.                 
                                                            
59648 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       John Paulk          P9807



To the forest primeval went Spurgeon,                       
For within him he felt a deep urgin'.                       
There he fucked up a sapling,                               
With which he was grappling,                                
And the forest was no longer virgin.                        
                                                            
59649 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-1397



A young girl, name of Mrs. Muntry,                          
Ate an acorn while out in the country.                      
It grew so slow                                             
Way down below;                                             
Now love is sweeping the cunt tree.                         
                                                            
59650 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Tom Patton          P9803



Luther Burbank once went on a spree                         
And when sober he said, "Holy Gee!                          
I trust it was a dream                                      
Though it really did seem                                   
I put Partridge grafts on a Pear Tree."                     
                                                            
59651 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Loren C Fitzhugh    P9809



A noted tree-surgeon named Fogg                             
Developed a tree that could jog.                            
But the tree, fully grown,                                  
Had a mind of its own,                                      
For it ran out and pissed on a dog.                         
                                                            
59652 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-2051



A geneticist developed a tree;                              
Instead of fruit, it bore pussy.                            
Although it looked odd,                                     
It decorated his yard                                       
But his neighbors didn't agree.                             
                                                            
59653 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Puff Adder               



The neighbors hauled him to court;                          
The proceedings were very short.                            
Dig up the tree                                             
Or be hung, you see,                                        
Thereby its growth you'll abort.                            
                                                            
59654 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Puff Adder               



The man said, "Far be it for me                             
To kill off my progeny;                                     
And you can bet,                                            
I have one regret,                                          
I have one life to give my cunt tree."                      
                                                            
59655 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Puff Adder               



A virgin of Vernon, B.C.                                    
Was resolved to be raped by a tree!                         
She was dropped from a plane                                
Over forest terrain                                         
And on landing was heard to say "WHEEEE."                   
                                                            
59656 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Keith MacMillan      103a



Do the monkeys on Florida's Keys                            
Overstrip bark from red mangrove trees?                     
"To find out," said a judge,                                
"There I'll solemnly trudge."                               
But she sank in mud up to her knees.                        
(article in The Boston Globe)                               
59657 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Prof M-G            T9707



A rugged old lumberman Lee                                  
Wed a one-legged maid of Dundee,                            
For he saw by the grain                                     
That her peg did contain                                    
The knothole he fucked in a tree.                           
                                                            
59658 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-1877



Once a Julia Butterfly Hill                                 
Spied a redwood tree loggers would kill.                    
So she lived in its peak                                    
For two years and a week;                                   
Now she's spared it the dread lumber mill.                  
                                                            
59659 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Prof M-G                 



A frigid young wife had MacFogg;                            
In bed she was known as a dog.                              
She learned nothing from bees,                              
But she had studied trees,                                  
For she learned how to sleep like a log.                    
                                                            
59660 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-1365



A bow-legged fellow named Teas,                             
Was arrested Tarzaning in trees.                            
"That elm was a fright --                                   
Could have perched there all night,                         
But it's bark's even worse that its bees!"                  
                                                            
59661 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Cybergeezer         T9712



At night, I take walks in the park,                         
Because I can't sleep when it's dark;                       
The reason is clear:                                        
I can't stand to hear                                       
The constant noise of the tree's bark.                      
                                                            
59662 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Travis Brasell           



Give up your cows and your hay!                             
Give me your Ironwood, I say!                               
Just one little bitey                                       
Of your Arborvitae?                                         
(I'll ensure that you're Tree-ted okay.)                    
                                                            
59663 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Ericka                   



Can you answer me this if you please;                       
Do you have an obsession with trees?                        
For whatever you're riding,                                 
You're always colliding                                     
With branches and hurting your knees.                       
                                                            
59664 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Peter Wilkins            



But I guess this obsession's less harm-                     
ful than getting your kicks from a farm                     
Full of ponies and horses.                                  
(Though Bessie of course has                                
Exceptional sexual charm.)                                  
                                                            
59665 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Peter Wilkins            



Now it's alright for my friends and me                      
And the guys in this limerick sea,                          
To cavort with a cow,                                       
But your fetish is, (how                                    
shall I put it) "unnatural"; Agree?                         
                                                            
59666 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Peter Wilkins            



Will you give up your ridin' and dashin'                    
Around with your lunatic passion                            
For crushing those trees                                    
With your thighs and your knees?                            
Can you treat me in similar fashion?                        
                                                            
59667 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Peter Wilkins            



I'll Cedar your need in that way,                           
For you know that I Maple, Oak A?                           
And Elm ache Yew feel good                                  
With my hardness of wood,                                   
'Cause I know you need Fir Cone all day.                    
                                                            
59668 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Peter Wilkins            



There was a tree surgeon named Liggatry                     
Who was summoned to come out and dig a tree.                
But the hue and variety                                     
Gave him cause for anxiety,                                 
And he chose not to fuck with too big a tree.               
                                                            
59669 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin            



The tree raised by botanist Claude                          
Was taught to write poems (but how odd!).                   
But the tree, though a poet,                                
Was a fool and we know it,                                  
For only a man could make God.                              
                                                            
59670 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Al Chaplin          P9006



The forest that's virgin began                              
With Nature's preparing a plan                              
To produce stately trees,                                   
'Midst a sweet scented breeze,                              
Untrod by the crude hand of man.                            
                                                            
59671 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-2440



In the forest serene, there grew one tree,                  
Which had knotholes that made it a fun tree.                
A lone ranger went by;                                      
As he unzipped his fly,                                     
He said, "What can I do for my cunt tree?"                  
                                                            
59672 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Albin Chaplin   3024-2342



An adventurous fellow named Decker,                         
Saw a knothole and thought he would check her.              
On withdrawing his winkle,                                  
He pissed in a sprinkle,                                    
From the jabs of a vicious woodpecker.                      
                                                            
59673 SCIENCE - BOTANY - TREES       Frank Fazed              



A chemist exceedingly mean,                                 
In a tar pot has dunked his colleen.                        
But then he relented,                                       
And even repented,                                          
And painted her body with chlorine.                         
                                                            
59674 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Al Willis                



A bungling Argentine fellow,                                
Who went by the name of Marcelo,                            
Embarked on a quest                                         
To turn albiceleste                                         
(By alchemical genius) to yellow.                           
                                                            
59675 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



Amino acids in chains,                                      
Are the cause, so the X-ray explains,                       
Of the strengthening of wool,                               
And its strength when you pull                              
And show why it shrinks when it rains.                      
                                                            
59676 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Linda Patterson          



There once was a man name Arrhenius.                        
His actions were always spontaneous.                        
He plotted ln(k)                                            
Against 1/T,                                                
And now he's considered a genius.                           
                                                            
59677 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



There once was a girl named Irene,                          
Who lived on distilled kerosene,                            
But she started absorbin'                                   
A new hydrocarbon,                                          
And since then has never benzine.                           
                                                            
59678 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



Boron, with some added bluster,                             
Can combine to make quite a cluster.                        
It's acidic, not caustic,                                   
With hydrogen agnostic;                                     
Reducing organics it can muster.                            
                                                            
59679 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Anon                     



Follows boron in electronic sequence;                       
Without it, we would have no existence.                     
It's not at all brassy                                      
And nowhere near gassy,                                     
Carbon is what makes a difference.                          
                                                            
59680 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Anon                     



Saving iron from corrosion's a must.                        
Iron oxide's all over like dust.                            
But when to iron, zinc's connected,                         
It's cathodically protected,                                
Because zinc keeps away all the rust.                       
                                                            
59681 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



A stud who lived in the dorm,                               
Tried in lab to prepare chloroform.                         
But the sample he'd keep                                    
Put that creep in deep sleep                                
And he couldn't wake up to perform.                         
                                                            
59682 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



Answer this question if you will,                           
What colors the green of dill?                              
In a plant cell,                                            
Is a chemical,                                              
That goes by the name chlorophyll!                          
                                                            
59683 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Chris Matthews           



The Clausis-Clapeyron pair                                  
Were two men with a p-chem flair.                           
Who said natural log of p                                   
Changes with T                                              
As delta H over RT square.                                  
                                                            
59684 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Todd Wilkinson           



In '53, Watson and Crick                                    
Were thinking, when suddenly -- Click!                      
They'd figured the way                                      
That stuff, DNA                                             
Twin spiralled, to make us all tick.                        
                                                            
59685 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Tiddy Ogg                



DNA builds a case, brick by brick,                          
But lawyers cannot learn it quick.                          
They study a lot                                            
And become quite adroit.                                    
If they don't, they consult Watson-Crick.                   
                                                            
59686 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Jim Weaver Collection    



Applying new DNA tests                                      
Calls to question some famous arrests;                      
Forensic revision                                           
Of jury decisions                                           
Means defendants cannot ever rest.                          
                                                            
59687 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Dr Limerick  12-06-01    



Bond formation can be unwell,                               
Electrons join up in a shell,                               
For it doesn't seem fine                                    
To say they combine,                                        
When we know very well they repel!                          
                                                            
59688 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



Can there be any levity                                     
In electronegativity?                                       
Fluorine is high,                                           
As are others nearby.                                       
How is that for brevity.                                    
                                                            
59689 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Devlin Gualtieri         



There was a young chemist named Keith,                      
Who escaped by the skin of his teeth                        
From H2SO4                                                  
While the family bore                                       
The explosions going on underneath.                         
                                                            
59690 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Keith MacMillan       12a



There was a young chemist neamed Neal                       
Who loved circus life a great deal.                         
So he coupled his trade                                     
With his love and he made                                   
A large stainless steel ferrous wheel.                      
                                                            
59691 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Al Willis           P9806



There was a young girl from Madras                          
Who had a magnificent gas.                                  
When hot, it would stink,                                   
When cold, it would shrink,                                 
And PV was related to mass.                                 
                                                            
59692 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



A foolish young chemist named Kroll                         
Heated fulminate up in a bowl.                              
Without distillation                                        
He got separation,                                          
I.e. of his body and soul.                                  
                                                            
59693 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Poul Anderson       P8211



I think that most students agree,                           
We really don't like chemistry.                             
Homework...There's tons.                                    
And these seats hurt my buns,                               
And we'd rather be watching TV.                             
                                                            
59694 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



A salt at the dawn of creation                              
Prayed to Aquarius for its solvation.                       
And that solvation force                                    
Caused an ionic divorce                                     
In a sacrament known as hydration.                          
                                                            
59695 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



Indium is quite a seductor,                                 
Wooing many a chemistry instructor.                         
A lewis acid in brine,                                      
Making reactions benign;                                    
It turns ceramic to super-conductor.                        
                                                            
59696 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Anon                     



A chemistry student, named Chester,                         
Spent hours in lab each semester.                           
He discovered one week                                      
A synthesis unique,                                         
Which he named for his wife, Polly Ester.                   
                                                            
59697 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Reminisce           P9310



Chemical Physics, it's said,                                
To good mathematics has led.                                
But thoughts of entropy                                     
Can make you feel dopey,                                    
And lead to a pain in the head.                             
                                                            
59698 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Literary Group           



A chemist whom some of you know.                            
Just loved to see ice and deep snow.                        
He mixed Tungsten and Tin                                   
And some Oxygen,                                            
And he finally fashioned some SnOW.                         
                                                            
59699 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Al Willis                



A Mad Scientist who lived in Cologne                        
Found most vitamins easy to clone.                          
But the art he espoused                                     
Was to be so aroused,                                       
That with ease he could make his hormone!                   
                                                            
59700 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Liam na Beag             



When mercury fulminate dries,                               
You have to avoid where it lies.                            
A step on that stuff                                        
Will detonate -- PUFF!                                      
And render a beating your prize.                            
                                                            
59701 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Nick                     



There once was a compound, methane,                         
Who looked on the rest with disdain.                        
"In the list I am first."                                   
He said with a burst,                                       
As his friend held a match to his brain.                    
                                                            
59702 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



These limericks are peculiar things;                        
Their lines have particular rings.                          
You fit them together                                       
Like methane and ether,                                     
And then you just stand up and sing!                        
                                                            
59703 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Jim Weaver Collection    



A sixth grader came into my view                            
And his "gangsta" clothes offered a clue.                   
In the folds and the sags                                   
Of his drooping crotch bags,                                
Lurked a mortar and a pistol too.                           
                                                            
59704 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Loren Fitzhugh      P0204



In my youth, I was always dead keen                         
On the lab and the practical scene.                         
The electrics, the glassware,                               
The wax, string and brassware;                              
But now there is only a screen.                             
                                                            
59705 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Joan M Freeman           



For isomers, Van't Hoff and LeBel                           
Created a theory that works well.                           
To understand variation                                     
In optical rotation,                                        
Carbon must be tetrahedral.                                 
                                                            
59706 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Anon                     



I once had an ox for a friend.                              
The name that I called him was Gen.                         
Now this ain't absurd,                                      
You've certainly heard                                      
Of a chemical called Oxy-Gen                                
                                                            
59707 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Al Willis                



A mosquito was heard to complain,                           
That a chemist had poisoned his brain.                      
The cause of his sorrow                                     
Was para-dichloro-                                          
diphenyl-trichloroethane.                                   
                                                            
59708 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            D. K. Bradley            



There once was a Chemist named Pauling,                     
Whose predictions were downright enthralling.               
"I'm really quite fond                                      
Of the chemical bond                                        
That I get with this sticking and balling."                 
                                                            
59709 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Devlin Gualtieri         



A chemist had mind to resolve                               
The reason our incomes dissolve.                            
She mixed some suspensions                                  
Of bureaucrats' pensions,                                   
The answer was quick to evolve.                             
                                                            
59710 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Nick D Kim               



"It's here, right under your nose!                          
Just arrange the whole thing in rows.                       
Put hydrogen here,"                                         
Dimitri would cheer,                                        
"And tungsten down there by your toes."                     
                                                            
59711 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Devlin Gualtieri         



He hated her hue, that is true.                             
She seemed much too dark, in his view.                      
He once badly dyed her                                      
And could not abide her,                                    
So he slapped on some H2O2.                                 
                                                            
59712 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Al Willis                



Phenolphthalein is useful, I think;,                        
For endpoints it serves as a link                           
At the point in titration                                   
When we need visualization,                                 
It suddenly turns a hot pink.                               
                                                            
59713 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Anon                     



Of love, there is little to speak,                          
That some hormone's not able to tweak;                      
To cast a chemical spell                                    
With some scent you can't smell,                            
So you'll find those you don't really seek.                 
                                                            
59714 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Madcat                   



In pollution the world seems to wallow.                     
Dick gives us a guide we can follow.                        
What risk, do you think,                                    
In water we drink?                                          
For some, it is too much to swallow.                        
(For Richard Wilson's Forum award 1990)                     
59715 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Barbara Levi             



For plastics, Staudinger rewrote the rules;                 
For nylon, Dupont used his tools.                           
Some brittle, some elastic,                                 
Some turn into plastic;                                     
Better living through macromolecules.                       
                                                            
59716 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            George Bennett           



There was a young turk named Stan                           
Who embarked on a devious plan.                             
"If I simply rename it,                                     
I'm sure I can claim it,"                                   
Said Stan as he pondered his scam.                          
(Stanley Prusiner arguing over discovery of 'Prions')       
59717 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Discover Mag 12/86  P8612



"Eureka!" Cried Stan, "I have found it.                     
Well...maybe not actually found it.                         
But I talked to the press                                   
Of the slow virus mess,                                     
And invented a name to confound it!"                        
                                                            
59718 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Discover Mag 12/86  P8612



I'll rephrase an old slogan I hate;                         
What the hell, it don't carry no weight.                    
They say, with resolution,                                  
You're part of the solution                                 
Or part of the precipitate.                                 
                                                            
59719 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Allen Wolverton          



You said it, so I've got to mention                         
That which makes even more tension.                         
When out on a date,                                         
The ones that I hate                                        
Keep the answer in perfect suspension.                      
                                                            
59720 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Dennis Hammes            



Radium, lacking a brain,                                    
And Iodine, in the "slow" lane,                             
Met Nitrogen, who                                           
Had sense enough to                                         
Come INdoors from out of the RaIN.                          
                                                            
59721 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man named Rauolt                           
Whose depression no doctor could fault.                     
No lithium ion                                              
Could Rauolt rely on                                        
'Cause his law worked regardless of salt.                   
                                                            
59722 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



There once was a man named Rauolt                           
Who combined some water and salt.                           
Mole fraction and pressure                                  
He decided to measure                                       
And depression was his sad result.                          
                                                            
59723 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



Said the Minister, "Prices are high,                        
And to bring them down, I'll have to try.                   
Mmmmm, chemicals first --                                   
My God, they're the worst --                                
ILLCICI2CY."                                                
(I'll see ICI {International Chem Index?} to see why."      
59724 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Bob Turvey               



A chemistry student named Boma                              
Produced such a potent aroma                                
That half of the class                                      
Dropped dead, but alas,                                     
The culprit received a diploma.                             
                                                            
59725 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Out On A Limerick   P8907



A metallurgist who taaught from a podium                    
Expounded the virtues of Rhodium.                           
Come day of the test,                                       
Those who did best                                          
Were those whose answers were quoting him.                  
                                                            
59726 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Kim Goldworthy      P8311



Regal Charles had ideas elite,                              
Yet he'd say to each lady he'd meet,                        
"My volume gets higher                                      
When you warm my desire.                                    
Let's join our gasses in heat."                             
                                                            
59727 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



A SCUBA diver whose name was McGraw,                        
Disobeyed a basic gas law.                                  
While deep under his hull,                                  
Bubbles formed in his skull,                                
And he now regards lawyers with awe.                        
                                                            
59728 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



A physicist, Percival Pry,                                  
Had hopes that a medal was nigh,                            
But a "No" from Nobel                                       
Made him mutter, "Oh well,"                                 
And issue a faint Sigma Sigh. (Xi - chem fraternity)        
                                                            
59729 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Norm Storer         P9912



In making advances in science,                              
We stand on the shoulders of giants.                        
Which might explain why                                     
Some say Sigma XI                                           
Is largely a midgets' alliance!                             
                                                            
59730 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Norm Storer         P0012



Science was a breath of fresh air                           
Within my whole High School career.                         
The only school class                                       
Where you could smell gas,                                  
That wasn't from your classmate's rear.                     
                                                            
59731 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



Said Lavoissier, face all aglow,                            
"We now know what makes a fire go;                          
Phlogiston is dead,                                         
And so in its stead,                                        
We must write the true 'Story of O'."                       
                                                            
59732 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Norman Storer       P0211



Our teacher last lecture did tell                           
The maximum temperature of Hell.                            
But add sinners to sulfur,                                  
The boiling point alters.                                   
Hell would be hotter to dwell.                              
(a lake of liquid sulfur establishes the max temp)          
59733 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY                                     



The results were rather surprising                          
From the students recrystallizing.                          
Their test tubes were sealed                                
At ten percent yield,                                       
That's the last time we'll try synthesizing.                
                                                            
59734 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young chemist in Ealing,                        
Who with trinitrolphenol was dealing,                       
But he added red lead,                                      
And the truth must be said,                                 
They found him a splash on the ceiling.                     
                                                            
59735 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Anon                     



A rogue phosphofructokinase                                 
Was arrested for mimicking phosphorylase.                   
"Your job is hydrolysis --                                  
And regulating glycolysis!"                                 
Screamed an irate lactate dehydrogenase.                    
                                                            
59736 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Jim Weaver Collection    



A feminist chemist named Liz                                
In the lab was considered a whiz;                           
She rejected the claim                                      
That a man, not a dame,                                     
Could understand just why things fizz.                      
                                                            
59737 SCIENCE - CHEMISTRY            Norm Storer         P0012



Two Economists can't think quite the same;                  
To uniqueness they each stake a claim.                      
Different Theories abound,                                  
Each proposed as profound.                                  
Too bad that they're all a bit lame.                        
                                                            
59738 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Folks came many miles just to see                           
Two Economists agree to agree.                              
When the event did take place,                              
It proved a disgrace.                                       
They agreed one plus one adds to three.                     
                                                            
59739 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



There is really no big paradox,                             
Said the man who was buying some locks.                     
I'll secure all the doors                                   
On both of my floors,                                       
Since my home's split level cardboard box.                  
                                                            
59740 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Adam Smith's invisible illusion                             
Has grown to the present delusion.                          
Cooperation is attained                                     
When Competition's sustained.                               
Hence, the planet's great confusion.                        
                                                            
59741 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



There once was an old beggar man,                           
Who dined from a ripe garbage can.                          
But they chased him away                                    
From his regal cafe;                                        
He embarrassed the Economist's plan.                        
                                                            
59742 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Economists in a strange wonderland,.                        
Talking of an Invisible Hand.                               
While no one can see it,                                    
They seem to agree it                                       
Somehow makes just Everything grand.                        
                                                            
59743 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



To facts economists seem heedless.                          
The tragedy is it's so needless.                            
The technology's there,                                     
With ample to spare,                                        
Yet millions of people go feedless.                         
                                                            
59744 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Just think of the millions unemployed,                      
Whose lives are so seldom enjoyed.                          
Economists say: "So what?                                   
They deserve what they got.                                 
And besides, inflation is destroyed."                       
                                                            
59745 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



There once was an Economist who thought,                    
Which outraged his peers, so they sought                    
To label him extreme,                                       
(Which to them it did seem.)                                
And have all this thought go for nought.                    
                                                            
59746 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Economists on the Left and the Right;                       
Either way it's a terrible sight.                           
Using arguments old,                                        
And confused when retold,                                   
They're as much cause as cure, in the fight.                
                                                            
59747 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Though ONEROUS as shopping may be,                          
The season for you and for me,                              
From wrath we'll abstain,                                   
Through snow, sleet, and rain.                              
It's good for the year's GNP.  (gross national product)     
                                                            
59748 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Elois                    



The Economist with head up his ass,                         
As he lectured in front of the class:                       
My theories are great;                                      
They seal Mankind's fate.                                   
Others said that he simply passed gas.                      
                                                            
59749 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



The problem is shaping societies                            
In ways with proper propieties.                             
Should it be Capitalism                                     
Or another Barbarism,                                       
Like Socialism's 57 varieties.                              
                                                            
59750 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Just what did humanity do                                   
To deserve an Economist or two?                             
We'd be better sans any;                                    
Instead we got many.                                        
No wonder the economy's askew.                              
                                                            
59751 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Said a man who's not dressed all that neat,                 
With shoes covering part of his feet:                       
"The Safety Net's a joke,                                   
For all who are broke.                                      
Now me, I just sleep in the street."                        
                                                            
59752 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Robley E George          



Our spending is down, that is why                           
They'll ufge us to go out and buy;                          
Consumption is IN!                                          
Not buying's a sin!                                         
We can turn things around if we try!                        
                                                            
59753 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            John Miller              



Buy a blivet you don't really need;                         
That money will serve as the seed                           
For the rest of this session                                
Of evil recession.                                          
(Exhortaions you surely must heed!"                         
                                                            
59754 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            John Miller              



The money, economists say,                                  
Will replay and replay and replay;                          
Let the shopkeeper earn,                                    
Then he will, in turn,                                      
Spend that money the very next day.                         
                                                            
59755 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            John Miller              



And then, (the great gurus explain),                        
The money will move throught the chain,                     
Getting lazy young slobs                                    
All working at jobs,                                        
Who in turn will spend money again.                         
                                                            
59756 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            John Miller              



But think, at the same blivet store,                        
If you smash in the window or door,                         
The same flow of cash                                       
Will result from the bash                                   
As the sale, and an awful lot more!                         
                                                            
59757 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            John Miller              



There's the cops who must check out the crime;              
No doubt they'll be paid overtime!                          
And the hungry street sweepers,                             
Adjusters with beepers,                                     
And lawyers and other such slime.                           
                                                            
59758 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            John Miller              



I will do my part with great pride!                         
In a moment I'm going outside                               
With a brick in my hand,                                    
To (You understand)                                         
Fight back a stock market slide.                            
                                                            
59759 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            John Miller              



Price increase with no growth: STAGFLATION,                 
Leads to national indignation.                              
If leaders so choose,                                       
Economic blues                                              
Result in indigo-nation.                                    
                                                            
59760 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Daniel Ford              



With no-growth economy rife,                                
But bills going up, says the wife,                          
"I know that our nation                                     
Is into STAGFLATION,                                        
And sure to bring worry and strife."                        
                                                            
59761 SCIENCE - ECONOMICS            Chris Papa               



Said one gene to another, "Oh Hell!                         
My life isn't doing so well.                                
My doctor says travel                                       
Would help me unravel,                                      
But I'm sentenced to life in this cell.                     
                                                            
59762 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Steve Hardison           



His friend said, "I know what to do.                        
Tell me if this sounds good to you.                         
What I propose is                                           
We start a mitosis,                                         
And split this damn cell right in two!                      
                                                            
59763 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Steve Hardison           



Anthropologist Wellington Jones                             
Fell in love with some fossilized bones.                    
He believes in free love                                    
And my heavens above,                                       
You should see the collection he owns!                      
                                                            
59764 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Neal Wilgus         P8304



I went to the animal fair,                                  
My race's ancestors were there.                             
An ape scratched his chin                                   
With an air of chagrin,                                     
After grinning a while at his heir.                         
                                                            
59765 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Laurence Perrine    P8408



Yasir Arafat said with a scowl,                             
"Something's wrong, I'm calling a foul.                     
I'm telling you,                                            
It can't be true,                                           
If it is, I'll throw in my towel.                           
                                                            
59766 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



There was a young lady named Annie                          
Who had polkadots on her fanny.                             
If you got in her genes,                                    
You'd find what it means --                                 
She inherited spots from her Granny.                        
                                                            
59767 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Neal Wilgus         P8208



So here it is - one, nine, eight, four;                     
The biggie in Orwellian folklore.                           
We worried and fussed,                                      
But so far it's a bust;                                     
'Bout the same as all years heretofore.                     
                                                            
59768 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



There just isn't anything new:                              
In April our taxes came due,                                
The hopeful politicians                                     
Still vie for positions,                                    
And the swallows arrived right on cue.                      
                                                            
59769 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



In one area I'd hoped for a change.                         
It's human anatomy that I'd rearrange.                      
By snipping DNA                                             
The geneticists may                                         
Make us more utile, but I hope not too strange.             
                                                            
59770 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



Just look at our human design!                              
Is our architecture really so fine?                         
I think a third arm                                         
Wouldn't do any harm,                                       
And I'd get good use out of mine.                           
                                                            
59771 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



Here's another anatomical innovation.                       
Let's give sex a more central location.                     
A strong tail would be neat                                 
To form a three-cornered seat                               
With the legs.  At S.R.O, a sensation.                      
                                                            
59772 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



Next, I think I would like to dispose                       
Of all hair and the nails on the toes.                      
And I'd build a pocket                                      
Below each arm socket,                                      
And put a hook where we now have a nose.                    
                                                            
59773 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



I'd move the nose down to the chest;                        
Near the pocket with Kleenex is best.                       
A Swiss army knife would become                             
An improved left thumb,                                     
And a built-in strobe light -- center breast.               
                                                            
59774 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



Now think of the tailor's delight.                          
He'd be sewing all day and all night                        
To create a nose slit,                                      
Make a third sleeve to fit,                                 
A tail hole and a flap over the light.                      
                                                            
59775 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



I guess these improvements must wait.                       
We may have them by two two ought eight.                    
But alas, this poor bod                                     
Will be under the sod.                                      
By then I'll be known as "the late....                      
                                                            
59776 SCIENCE - GENETICS             June Sullivan       P8411



It happens, it seems, in mitosis.                           
The lions become less ferocious.                            
Chromosomes go berserk                                      
And through a strange quirk,                                
The lions are merely precocious.                            
                                                            
59777 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Al Willis          TP9804



A nine-thousand-year-old homesteader,                       
Was dead.  He couldn't be deader.                           
Yet they're able to say                                     
From his bone's DNA,                                        
That his genes are still rampant in Cheddar!                
                                                            
59778 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Prof M-G                 



A scientist who was named Dodds                             
Tore "The Racing Form" into small wads                      
As a feed for his rooster,                                  
A genetic sperm booster,                                    
And now all his chickens lay odds.                          
                                                            
59779 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Don Moore           P9403



At a lab a technician named Sloan                           
Pricked his finger while dialing the phone,                 
A mistake he'd regret,                                      
When years later he met                                     
His own illegitimate clone.                                 
                                                            
59780 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Cyber Geezer             



Celibacy's not in the genes;                                
If it were, 'twould be totally keen.                        
Conception by proxy;                                        
It sounds kind of foxy;                                     
Could be the start of a "new scene".                        
                                                            
59781 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Cheryl                   



The whole scientific world's buzzin';                       
There are articles writ by the dozen.                       
The geneticists say                                         
It's really O.K.                                            
If a guy wants to marry his cousin.                         
                                                            
59782 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



Two bright boffins named Watson and Crick                   
Puzzled out what makes DNA tick;                            
It's just like spiral stairs                                
With the bases in pairs.                                    
How on Earth did God think of that trick.                   
                                                            
59783 SCIENCE - GENETICS             P Chernoff               



Molecular mysteries pose                                    
A wonderful challenge to those                              
Who would like to grow beans,                               
Producing proteins                                          
That can cure anyone's runny nose.                          
                                                            
59784 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Norm Storer         P9912



Disappointed Naive Attache's,                               
Deposition: Negation Astray,                                
Didn't Neck Anywhere?,                                      
Dress Narrating Affair!                                     
Four new ways to decode DNA.                                
                                                            
59785 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



The Pentatette you are now reading,                         
In literature, is exceeding                                 
The bounds of poor taste,                                   
For the authors are traced                                  
To a line of degenerate breeding.                           
                                                            
59786 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Cap'n Bean          P9809



"Diarrhea," explained Dr. Keens,                            
"Is inherited sometimes -- which means                      
That researchers now know                                   
And they have proof to show                                 
That it frequently runs in your genes."                     
                                                            
59787 SCIENCE - GENETICS             A. N. Wilkins       P8403



The Jefferson-Hemming affair                                
Is a warning to all those who err.                          
Your kids' DNA                                              
Will forever betray                                         
Their ancestry.  Sinners beware!                            
                                                            
59788 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Mervyn Cripps            



DNA makes you you and me me,                                
Nearly twins with the fine chimpanzee --                    
A terrible blow                                             
To the chimps that I know;                                  
From this stigma, they'll never be free.                    
                                                            
59789 SCIENCE - GENETICS             John Miller              



Deoxyribonucleic                                            
Acid is quite algebraic;                                    
Thymine, adenine,                                           
Guanine, cytosine;                                          
Bond together in one big mosaic.                            
                                                            
59790 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Stephanie Martin         



These nucleotidic routines                                  
Are life's reproduction machines,                           
And are programmed, like guys,                              
When their helices rise,                                    
To find ways to get into girls' genes.                      
                                                            
59791 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Hugh Clary               



A biology prof named Caster                                 
Whose project she wanted to last her,                       
Took an idea complex,                                       
Aimed at changing the sex                                   
Of Drosophila Melanogaster.                                 
                                                            
59792 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Don Homuth               



On researching my family tree,                              
I think Petal's related to me.                              
She's my grand daddy's mis-                                 
Tress's daughter's son's sis-                               
Ter, Oh how can this possibly be...                         
                                                            
59793 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Peter Wilkins            



...For my grand daddy swears that this daughter             
Ain't his.  (Though I don't know a quarter                  
Of what he did when                                         
Or with whom in his den;                                    
But with what, I can guess; he'd not oughta.)               
                                                            
59794 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Peter Wilkins            



Now grand daddy's mistress's sister                         
Loved grand daddy's cousin who kissed her.                  
This cousin's young brother's                               
Aunt's grand daughters's mother's                           
Young sister had offspring, a mister.                       
                                                            
59795 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Peter Wilkins            



Then grand daddy's mistress's daughter                      
Was led like a lamb to the slaughter,                       
By grand daddy's mother's                                   
Young sister's son's brothers's                             
Son down to the den where he taught her...                  
                                                            
59796 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Peter Wilkins            



...The very same tricks that her mother                     
Got up to with great uncle's brother.                       
Their son had a sister;                                     
It looks like I've kisssed her                              
And more!  Yes, she's Petal, none other.                    
                                                            
59797 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Peter Wilkins            



Jews and Arabs, genetic lore,                               
DNA tests matching some more;                               
Brother to brother,                                         
Same as each other,                                         
Now they can fight a civil war.                             
                                                            
59798 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



If a man tracing lineage believes                           
That no royal blood flows, then he grieves.                 
But I do not despair                                        
For I'm fully aware                                         
That my forebearers were untitled thieves.                  
                                                            
59799 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Albin Chaplin            



Of the garden decor which I own,                            
My choice pieces I do sometimes loan.                       
And then most recently                                      
I showed for all to see,                                    
The quite newly discovered G. Gnome.                        
                                                            
59800 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Loren Fitzhugh      P0800



The biologist, Hermann Van Katsch,                          
A novel idea did hatch.                                     
He would transplant the gene                                
Which cause scratching obscene,                             
To a place much more decent to scratch.                     
                                                            
59801 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2142



A nine-thousand-year-old homesteader                        
Was so dead, he couldn't be deader.                         
Yet they're able to say                                     
From his bones' DNA                                         
That his genes are still rampant in Cheddar.                
                                                            
59802 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9703



The genetic scientists now say                              
Jews and Arabs match DNA.                                   
Both are burning the wire                                   
To see if thy can hire                                      
The lawyers who defended O.J.                               
                                                            
59803 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



All this uproar about cloning's perceived                   
As reaction to tenets believed.                             
Only nature should do                                       
Procreation by two.                                         
Variation is just ill-conceived.                            
                                                            
59804 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Limerick Man        T9801



Her mom was an Alberta Cree.                                
Her dad was a heathen Chinee.                               
For her genes she got                                       
The worst of the lot.                                       
That's why they call her Ugh Lee.                           
                                                            
59805 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Larry Davis         P9212



Will jellyfish genes in a monkey                            
Called George, make the monkey act funky?                   
Look-see through in water;                                  
Have stings he'd no ought ter,                              
And wobble on land like a drunky.                           
                                                            
59806 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Prof M-G                 



"We're Adam and Eve's family,"                              
This Phi Beta Kappa told me.                                
"So if we're to lie                                         
With thigh against thigh,                                   
It's miscegenetically."                                     
                                                            
59807 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Irving Superior          



A scientist living in Bude,                                 
Genetically modified food.                                  
He altered the genes                                        
Of carrots and beans,                                       
For reasons I cannot conclude.                              
                                                            
59808 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Richard Long             



An acid rain falls on the leaves,                           
And Mother Earth quietly grieves.                           
These blasted pollutants                                    
Will make us all mutants;                                   
Our kids will wear coats with three sleeves.                
                                                            
59809 SCIENCE - GENETICS             David Morin              



A hot-blooded Latin, Jerome,                                
Was frigging a girlie in Rome.                              
"Festina lente,"                                            
Was all she could say,                                      
"You're rousing my sex chromosome."                         
                                                            
59810 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Julia Strawn        P8809



My ancestors followed green trails                          
With gracefully prehensile tails.                           
I feel for my own                                           
And find it is gone.                                        
A lack!   Clear proof nature fails.                         
                                                            
59811 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Laurence Perrine    P8408



Genealogy does me amaze                                     
As my ancestry I've tried to raise.                         
The enumeration                                             
By decades in this nation,                                  
Spells my name in disparate ways.                           
                                                            
59812 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Loren C. Fitzhugh        



In a treetop a tailed furry creature                        
Met another and swung to beseech her:                       
"Return my affection                                        
And Natural Selection                                       
Will fetch in the future our feature."                      
                                                            
59813 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Laurence Perrine    P8408



My genetically engineered brother                           
Was created by some means or other.                         
He has, between us,                                         
No umbilicus,                                               
So he therefore rejects our dear mother.                    
                                                            
59814 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9404



I once met this three-breasted whore,                       
A mutant of nuclear war.                                    
She'd two pussies, I swear,                                 
Though neither had hair,                                    
And a tongue that hung down to the floor.                   
                                                            
59815 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Jeeves              T9801



If you check all of your DNA,                               
Back to the first, you will say:                            
We're decendants of WHO?                                    
A black woman?  It's true!                                  
(And the man with whom she did lay.                         
                                                            
59816 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Jalayne                  



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who lauded her daddy in prose.                              
In her 'Ode to Dear Dad',                                   
Her genealogy was bad--                                     
'Cause only her mother knows.                               
                                                            
59817 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



The DNA that men enjoy                                      
Prevents them from being too coy.                           
Just scratch 'neath their skin,                             
And you'll find that you're in                              
The realm of perpetual boy.                                 
                                                            
59818 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Chris Papa               



His gene pool sadly is missing;                             
It simply is bubbling and hissing.                          
No A, T, C, G --                                            
Even up to his knee,                                        
Because his pool is where we've been pissing.               
                                                            
59819 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Anon                     



If man is true POLYPHYLETIC,                                
And mixed up in matters genetic,                            
Then family pride                                           
Should quick be denied,                                     
Since Dads were so peripatetic.                             
                                                            
59820 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Chris Papa               



His idea is simply pathetic                                 
That only is beauty magnetic...                             
A beautiful moron                                           
Softens the hard-on,                                        
A boon for the pool that's genetic.                         
                                                            
59821 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



A study fo high complication                                
Is DNA mechanization.                                       
It seem, my dear sir,                                       
Its reison d'etre                                           
Is simply its self-replication.                             
                                                            
59822 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Kim Goldsworthy     P8504



Genetic scientists in a lab near Renfrew,                   
Have proved sex must be hereditary too.                     
Says spokesperson McTavitt,                                 
"If yer Ma didn't have it,                                  
Chances are neither will you!"                              
                                                            
59823 SCIENCE - GENETICS             H Myers                  



Current gene-theory's in strife,                            
Since, although carbon-creatures are rife,                  
A Baywatch stampede,                                        
Show the presence, indeed,                                  
Of small units of silicone-life.                            
                                                            
59824 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Nick D Kim               



A lean young peripatetic                                    
Thinks slimness may be genetic.                             
Both father and son                                         
Find sleepwalking fun,                                      
Despite a pace that's frenetic.                             
                                                            
59825 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Macsam                   



Though girls be more socially aesthetic;                    
Though oafish teen boys be pathetic;                        
Though Doc Skuse, to applause,                              
Claims a chromosome cause...                                
I cannot believe it's genetic.                              
(Skuse claimed social gene on X chromosome - 1997)          
59826 SCIENCE - GENETICS             M. Mestert               



"Moral judgments," said Reverend Carey,                     
"About surrogate motherhood vary.                           
Some think it's a bane,                                     
And yet others maintain                                     
The first surrogate mother was Mary."                       
                                                            
59827 SCIENCE - GENETICS             A. N. Wilkins       P8706



A genetic engineer named Pickens                            
Gave his lab assistant the Dickens.                         
Seems he saturated a turd                                   
With DNA from some bird;                                    
Got some shit that tasted like chicken.                     
                                                            
59828 SCIENCE - GENETICS             John C. Hulse            



I claim my descent from a monkey,                           
Though a chorus of jeers all in one key,                    
Makes it most evident                                       
One may trace their descent                                 
From a dim-witted hee-hawing donkey!                        
                                                            
59829 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Laurence Perrine    P8408



I think quite a lot on the sexes,                           
On the y-chromosomes and the x's,                           
On the cells, and their size,                               
On the breasts! On the thighs!                              
And especially that centermost nexus!                       
                                                            
59830 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Lance Payne         P8601



If the chromosome make-up eggs                              
Could be either a Y or an X,                                
There'd be half as much muff                                
For us geezers to stuff,                                    
And a third indeterminate sex.                              
                                                            
59831 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



Our scientists are working each day                         
On chromosones and dna.                                     
In the end there would be                                   
A "X", "Y"  AND "Z,"                                        
And we'd get surprises with play.                           
                                                            
59832 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



Yitzhak Rabin responded with glee,                          
"Blood tests prove Arabs same as me.                        
The consequence                                             
Is all are mensch;                                          
The whole world is Jewish, don't you see?"                  
                                                            
59833 SCIENCE - GENETICS             Tom Patton               



If it is the gender in question,                            
Then this small fact I will mention:                        
X-Y is my pair;                                             
With my wife I share;                                       
Let there be no misintention.                               
                                                            
59834 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



Well, you will have much trouble here,                      
Even without all the beer.                                  
They got sex on the brain                                   
Again and again.                                            
Please don't bring the wife around here!                    
                                                            
59835 SCIENCE - GENETICS                                      



I'm cloning male parts in my cellar,                        
So I can build me a new feller.                             
Some bits are real old,                                     
Two other have mold,                                        
But one looks just like my bank teller!                     
                                                            
59836 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES                             



Please tell me which gender I am;                           
Might I be a woman or man?                                  
A sister or brother?                                        
A father or mother?                                         
I'm a clone of both Sarah and Sam.                          
                                                            
59837 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Countrygirl              



"A twin!", he said he hadn't known one.                     
And his look-alike, he didn't own one.                      
"But I will, with a sliver                                  
Of my thumb and liver,                                      
'Cause you know that it takes one to clone one."            
                                                            
59838 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Wendy Lee                



Maybe they will clone Al Gore,                              
We could always use just one more.                          
I'm sure he'd be handy                                      
Whenever Bill's randy,                                      
By helping to guard the door.                               
                                                            
59839 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    MrMalo                   



It all started with the ewe, Dolly;                         
What followed was just a great folly.                       
Those doctors do think                                      
They can make a big stink                                   
By cloning our buxom Miss Molly.                            
                                                            
59840 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Chris Tustin             



Perhaps they'd be cloning Madonna,                          
Though I can't think of why they would wanna.               
'Twould be eco-disaster                                     
Cause she'd be twice as faster,                             
Molesting the indigent fauna.                               
                                                            
59841 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    MrMalo                   



A molecular genius named Kroner                             
Sighs, "Freudians say I'm a loner                           
Because of my Dad--                                         
Well, Ma can't be had,                                      
I'm thinking perhaps I can clone her."                      
                                                            
59842 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Norm Storer         P9403



You can cut me apart with a knife;                          
Use a hatchet to split me from life;                        
You can bury my ass                                         
Six feet in the grass,                                      
But please don't try cloning my wife.                       
                                                            
59843 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    MrMalo                   



I think that they should clone the Prez,                    
And even his wife the lez.                                  
Then with sister and brother,                               
They can all lick each other,                               
And who cares just what anyone says.                        
                                                            
59844 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    MrMalo                   



I tell you my mind is just blown;                           
A human they're wanting to clone.                           
Imagine the fuss,                                           
If it's one of us;                                          
Small brain and a big pecker bone.                          
                                                            
59845 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Annie Jay                



There was a young doc named McCoy                           
Who cloned himself more to enjoy                            
The girls aboard ship,                                      
But he made a bad slip;                                     
They all wanted the real McCoy.                             
                                                            
59846 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES                             



I don't know if anyone cares,                               
If I'm duplicated in pairs.                                 
I'd be glad to see                                          
Twenty seven of me;                                         
That way I will always have spares.                         
                                                            
59847 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    MrMalo                   



Some folks have a misapprehension,                          
That's badly increasing the tension.                        
See, cloning takes years,                                   
Which should allay fears                                    
Of your clone collecting your pension.                      
                                                            
59848 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Somedude                 



Problems may come, but be small.                            
Southerners may be appalled,                                
When addressing one's clones,                               
Some grammar one hones --                                   
Is the pronoun They, You, or Y'all?                         
                                                            
59849 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Superdude                



There's questions of overpopulation,                        
Causing some great consternation.                           
But we'd clone so few,                                      
Not much more than two,                                     
That it's really naught but a sensation.                    
                                                            
59850 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Superdude                



Some worry about "Master Races",                            
Fearing clones will be given low places.                    
No problem, say I,                                          
Clone some well-muscled guy.                                
He'll be treated with all social graces.                    
                                                            
59851 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Superdude                



An NBA chock full of Jordans?                               
"No chance!" say the moralist wardens.                      
It won't happen, of course,                                 
Who would get to endorse                                    
The Nikes, the Right Guards, and Bordens?                   
                                                            
59852 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Superdude                



That's sick! That's immoral! I know!                        
It's is why we should surely go slow.                       
But Congressional bans                                      
Would put this in the hands                                 
Of countries that didn't say "No."                          
                                                            
59853 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Superdude                



Therefore, as the pressure has bounded,                     
It's time to no longer be hounded.                          
But when you stand up and speak --                          
Though you're surely unique,                                
Should your clones too, stand up and be counted?            
                                                            
59854 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Superdude                



Holy Cow! They've done it once more!                        
Now it's cattle they're cloning by score.                   
If they try it with me,                                     
I'll beg them fervently,                                    
To please stay away from my spore!                          
                                                            
59855 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Larry M                  



There's only one problem, I'm afraid,                       
About the way clones are made.                              
With all the trouble                                        
Of raising my double,                                       
At least I ought to get laid.                               
                                                            
59856 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    MrMalo                   



If I could clone myself, I would do it,                     
Then if people got mad, they could sue IT.                  
I could go out and play --                                  
When things got in my way,                                  
I could say to my clone, "You see to it!"                   
                                                            
59857 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Lynn                     



Down to the beach I would go;                               
The money my clone earned, I'd blow.                        
My pager she'd wear;                                        
I'd not have a care!                                        
Just think of the wild oats I'd sow.                        
                                                            
59858 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Lynn                     



Though I'm tempted to trade in my body,                     
The dilemma presented is knotty:                            
Mine's not quite good enough,                               
But life sure would be tough                                
If I wound up with something more shoddy!                   
                                                            
59859 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Gerry Busch              



I can't understand all the moaning,                         
About all this business of cloning.                         
You don't have to undress,                                  
And you don't have the mess                                 
Like you do with the usual boning.                          
                                                            
59860 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    MrMalo                   



"We must stop," said Clinton on cloning,                    
"Ethics and morals are foaming!                             
We've got to decide                                         
If we can abide                                             
With the questions now rampantly roaming."                  
                                                            
59861 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Carl A Benz              



Clinton put a ban on people cloning;                        
It drives lots of people to phoning.                        
Is it ever fair                                             
They say in despair,                                        
To ignore all the people moaning?                           
                                                            
59862 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Carl A Benz              



If they stop cloning reasearch today,                       
Researchers will just find a way:                           
Private funds. They'd declare                               
We must clone the gray mare,                                
And keep federal inspectors at bay.                         
                                                            
59863 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Carl A Benz              



There once was a prof who impressed,                        
Perfect cloning two sheep in a test.                        
When one stole bags of hay,                                 
Leaving much DNA,                                           
The cops didn't know who to arrest.                         
                                                            
59864 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9702



Have scientists gone mad and too far,                       
Cloning sheep and now us in a jar.                          
I'll tell you mister,                                       
I don't want a sister                                       
Who has wool on her back and goes Baaa!                     
                                                            
59865 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    H Myers             T9801



There once was a fellow named Harms,                        
Who was smitten with his own charms.                        
He said, "I've postponed                                    
My death 'til I'm cloned,                                   
So I can die in my own arms!"                               
                                                            
59866 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Observer                 



A scientist, brilliant but poor,                            
Said "I'll clone myself once, but no more."                 
But each clone he did clone,                                
Cloned a clone of its own --                                
Now he can't even get to the door.                          
                                                            
59867 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Joe Thompson             



Said MarySue White cheerfully,                              
"There's a kink in my family tree.                          
Like Dolly the sheep,                                       
I was cloned in my sleep,                                   
And my mother and father are me."                           
                                                            
59868 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Lynn Mostafa             



True believers protest not, bemoan                          
The fact the man above on the throne                        
Started this image thing                                    
By deciding to bring                                        
Forth His son as the very first clone.                      
                                                            
59869 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



You boffins have just cloned a cat;                         
Now what do you think about that?                           
I am not woosey,                                            
But I like my pussy                                         
To be warm, and furry, and fat.                             
                                                            
59870 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Tony Burrell             



Now, why do we choose what we do?                           
We cloned a cat, you a ewe.                                 
To say "pussy" of cat                                       
Is mere vulgar chat;                                        
But to some, sheep's a substitute screw.                    
                                                            
59871 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Dr Limerick              



Though not in a funhouse, I found                           
Some 59 like me around                                      
The laboratory                                              
And the Doctor, said he,                                    
"Oh, I was just cloning around."                            
                                                            
59872 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES                             



Regarded with darkened perception,                          
Cloning's been thought of since its inception,              
By many as evil,                                            
The source of upheaval                                      
And as immaculate misconception.                            
                                                            
59873 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Loren C Fitzhugh    P0110



For those folks who feel quite alone,                       
They might make their own friendly clone,                   
Except others say                                           
"Though it's your DNA,                                      
It's not an act we could CONDONE."                          
                                                            
59874 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Chris Papa               



"Shall we stop?" said Bill Clinton on cloning.              
"Ethics, morals are out in the gloaming.                    
We've got to decide                                         
If we can abide                                             
With the questions now rampantly roaming."                  
                                                            
59875 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES    Anon                     



Her brown eyes do not match her green.                      
Her legs? Two are large, one is lean.                       
Her fur is a shade                                          
Of bright bluish-jade --                                    
They call her Recombinant Jean.                             
                                                            
59876 SCIENCE - GENETICS - CLONES                             



Oh Wow! You're amazing! Yippee!                             
The earth shook and trembled for me!                        
Our explosions abroad                                       
Simultaneously scored                                       
About 12 on the Richter scale, E!                           
                                                            
59877 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Deep in the African Congo,                                  
Volcano Nyiragongo                                          
Is blowing its top;                                         
It's not going to stop                                      
Till all of Goma is gone-o!                                 
                                                            
59878 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Tony Burrell             



It blows every thirty-odd years,                            
Resulting in many shed tears.                               
So why'd they come back                                     
To build one more shack?                                    
The answer eludes me, I fear.                               
                                                            
59879 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Tiddy Ogg                



Though lava will often form domes,                          
It cools to something like loam.                            
It's fertility, you see,                                    
(Just like Hawaii)                                          
As well as, "There's no place like home."                   
                                                            
59880 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Dot B                    



For all of us who had been forming                          
Denials about global warming,                               
We ought to think twice;                                    
A Rhode Island of ice                                       
Is collapsing.  It might be a warning.                      
                                                            
59881 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Dr Limerick  03-19-02    



In Appalachia, love is like coal,                           
When the union of two is the goal.                          
At first it's bituminous,                                   
And then it seems luminous,                                 
And then anthracite fills up the hole.                      
                                                            
59882 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Tom Patton          P0105



It isn't without trepidation                                
That I go to New York on vacation,                          
Where the buildings, they say,                              
Are so tall they sway!                                      
Do these stories have any foundation?                       
                                                            
59883 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Laurence Perrine    P9410



The ground opened up a great fissure,                       
Expanding itself at it's lissure.                           
I tumbled and roled                                         
As I fell through the hole,                                 
While trying to measure it's missure.                       
                                                            
59884 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Jim Weaver Collection    



A seismologist fellow in Crete                              
Encrusted his wife in concrete;                             
He said as he tricked her,                                  
"This is good to 9 Richter--                                
Since I've bolted the floor to your feet."                  
                                                            
59885 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Arthur Deex         P9605



`ow Afganistan's recent earth quake                         
In a cross-border bomb-trial's wake,                        
Makes one ask if land slide                                 
And blasts just coincide --                                 
Or if cause and effect are at stake.                        
                                                            
59886 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Prof M-G           TP9806



The rising seas of EUSTACY                                  
Will bring to surfers ecstacy,                              
For beaches they'll like                                    
On a Sierra hike,                                           
'Mid Redwood slalom fantasy.                                
                                                            
59887 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Daniel Ford              



What causes the mountains to lift?                          
What causes a fissure to rift?                              
What makes the ground shake                                 
During an earthquake?                                       
The answer is continental drift!                            
                                                            
59888 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Chris Matthews           



There was a geologist Jack                                  
Who placed his dear wife on her back.                       
Then he lifted her gown                                     
With a manifest frown,                                      
And he studied the growth of her crack.                     
                                                            
59889 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-0484



A geologist searching the West                              
Met a whore whom he tackled with zest.                      
Every year with his staff                                   
He showed plots on his graph,                               
To observe how her crack had progressed.                    
                                                            
59890 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1695



An Irish pawnbroker named Brock                             
Collapsed and was treated for shock                         
When the diamond he took                                    
In good faith from a crook                                  
Was discovered to be a sham rock.                           
(in Ellery Queen magazine)                                  
59891 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              William F. Smith    P9108



In Italy's mountains, one night,                            
I met a young girl said she might.                          
"A lira," she said,                                         
"Won't get me into bed,                                     
But then perhaps a Dolomite."                               
                                                            
59892 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY                                       



In an earthquake, the best thing to do                      
Is to set about having a screw.                             
When you're done, you can say                               
In your nonchalant way,                                     
May I ask, did the earth move for you?                      
                                                            
59893 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Anon                     



The Earth flat? Nay! I disagree!                            
An oblate spheroid it must be.                              
For if it were flat,                                        
One couldn't say that;                                      
We stick here from sheer gravity.                           
                                                            
59894 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Friar              TP9804



The earth must be flat, seems to me,                        
'Cause otherwise how could the sea                          
Which contains only water                                   
Stay put, when it oughter,                                  
Flow south, which is downwards.  Agree?                     
                                                            
59895 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Peter Wilkins      TP9804



My son called said, "Mom, it was neat!                      
The earth shook right under my feet.                        
The building did sway;                                      
Got sent home with pay!"                                    
I think his brain's turned to concrete.                     
                                                            
59896 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY                                       



Bad things seem to hit us in three's;                       
We've had this crash and the midwestern freeze.             
So what comes tomorrow                                      
To add to our sorrow?                                       
An earthquake's my bet, if you please...                    
                                                            
59897 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              John Miller 0132a        



There once was a woman named Sue,                           
Who gave blowjobs until she was blue.                       
When an earthquake hit,                                     
She bit into it;                                            
Now her lover is now a girl too!                            
                                                            
59898 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Ming-mei Wu              



By now, perhaps, you've heard the prattle                   
About the big quake in Seattle;                             
Folks say that the shaking                                  
Was caused by me making                                     
A fool of myself with my cattle.                            
                                                            
59899 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Travis Brasell           



At work at my desk where I sit;                             
My location when the tremblor hit.                          
The noise was like thunder,                                 
My desk I dove under                                        
And tried very hard not to shit!                            
(Seattle earthquake, Feb 2001)                              
59900 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Scott Amsden             



A seismologist describing a quake,                          
Said, "Everything started to shake."                        
His words unterrific                                        
Were not scientific,                                        
But those were the words that he spake.                     
                                                            
59901 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Al Willis                



A pretty seismologist, Gail,                                
Once quaked, when a well-endowed male                       
Penetrated her chasm,                                       
Inducing orgasm                                             
That registered 8 (Richter Scale).                          
                                                            
59902 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Ed Potts            P8503



To her horrified teacher our Joan                           
Brought a blush and an audible groan,                       
When she said to Miss Worth,                                
"To the zones of the earth,                                 
They should add the Erogenous Zone!"                        
                                                            
59903 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Grand Prix Lim  252      



Results of Earth-warming will be                            
The oceans rise with EUSTASY.                               
Our houses it'll reach                                      
Instead of the beach,                                       
No longer sight we use to see.                              
                                                            
59904 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Chris Papa               



Said a rock fan at school, while depressed:                 
"Rock formations are what I know best,                      
And the Stones are my band.                                 
So I don't understand                                       
How I failed this geology test!"                            
                                                            
59905 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Prof M-G                 



At the whorehouse, geologist Max                            
The patience of harlots did tax.                            
Every crotch he laid bare                                   
And examined with care,                                     
Then rejected for faults in their cracks.                   
                                                            
59906 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1599



The simpleton rockhound was told                            
Of the wonderful mine he had sold.                          
Simple said, "Wanted stones,                                
Or some fossilized bones.                                   
But the mine had nothing but gold."                         
                                                            
59907 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Cindy Lind               



This takes some crust, and I should halt,                   
And not expose another fault.                               
Since I've a tin ear,                                       
And very much fear,                                         
Geology's not my gestalt.                                   
                                                            
59908 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Chris Papa               



The statues of Robert de Missens                            
I saw in a few exhibitions.                                 
I noticed the label:                                        
Two people unable                                           
To flee from volcanic emissions.                            
                                                            
59909 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Peter Wilkins            



Mid lightning and thunder a-crashin',                       
Mount Etna erupted with ash 'n'                             
They did not hear it comin'                                 
Because they were plumbin',                                 
Consumed in a moment of passion.                            
                                                            
59910 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Peter Wilkins            



Not me, I've been hunting for rocks,                        
And stones and boulders and big blocks,                     
For almost a week,                                          
Now some fun I seek,                                        
So I'm going a-hunting for cocks.                           
                                                            
59911 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY                                       



The contentious Geologist, Schmaltz,                        
Knew his igneous rocks and basalts.                         
He then took a degree                                       
In Seismology,                                              
Succeeding in spite of his faults.                          
                                                            
59912 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9712



It may come somewhat as a blow,                             
But when in geology's show,                                 
A tyro am I,                                                
Abashedly shy,                                              
And can't tell my KARST from elbow.                         
                                                            
59913 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Chris Papa               



In agony, hiked from Samoa                                  
To mid-Indonesia to show a                                  
Good doctor my feet.                                        
When I did, he said, "Pete,                                 
Why, it's only a small Krakatoa."                           
                                                            
59914 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Peter Wilkins            



St Helens turned trees into sliver.                         
Regardless, we have to forgive her.                         
For it was Mother Nature                                    
Not the State Legislature,                                  
That forced them to clean up the river.                     
                                                            
59915 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Gifford Wherry           



A valley, in case you have doubt,                           
Like a mounbtain has rocks strewn about.                    
Though it's built of same stuff,                            
There is difference enough --                               
It's a mountain that's turned inside out.                   
                                                            
59916 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2551



To add to my long list of fears,                            
Niagara Falls, it appears,                                  
Is slowly receding;                                         
A caution I'm heeding;                                      
They'll be gone in just twelve thousand years.              
                                                            
59917 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Travis Brasell           



There once was a little round rock                          
Who secretly wished for a cock                              
And this hidden vice                                        
Shows she was not gneiss.                                   
She settled for some granite block.                         
                                                            
59918 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY                                       



The world's land masses in PANGAEA                          
Is attractive as an idea.                                   
But this enthraller                                         
Requires Earth smaller,                                     
Hardly an easy panacea.                                     
                                                            
59919 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Daniel Ford              



Set in the ancient seas foam,                               
PANGAEA, our early land home,                               
Was continent wide,                                         
With mammoths beside                                        
The places the dinosaurs roam.                              
                                                            
59920 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Chris Papa               



Said the old archaeologist Vince,                           
"All the skeptics we now shall convince.                    
For what lies here between us,                              
Is the petrified penis                                      
Of a Persian, a prosperous prince."                         
                                                            
59921 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Albin Chaplin            



Said his cohort, "This stone nondescript                    
Is not what you think, you have slipped.                    
Your conclusion's absurd                                    
It's a fossilized turd                                      
Where a cat crept and crapped in the crypt."                
                                                            
59922 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Albin Chaplin            



There once was a young English miner,                       
Who prospected a bit in North China.                        
He described a crevasse, in an igneous mass,                
That ran horizontal, and sparkled like glass,               
As a petrified Chinese vagina.                              
                                                            
59923 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY                                  L1481



The locals ignore the vibration                             
And ash with a calm resignation;                            
Popocatepetl                                                
Is testing their mettle;                                    
Flight get zero consideration.                              
                                                            
59924 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Election 2000            



A Quaker lass never felt free                               
To learn what an orgasm should be.                          
He seismologist beau                                        
Predicted he'd know                                         
If she ever reached seven point three.                      
                                                            
59925 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Macsam                   



A seismology coed named Schlichter,                         
Had a boyfriend named Victor, who licked her                
With an ardor unslaked                                      
Till with ardor she quaked,                                 
On a scale that surpassed that of Richter.                  
                                                            
59926 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Taylor McCulloch         



Do you hear that low rumble sound?                          
It's something so very profound.                            
I have known for years                                      
We need have no fears                                       
When we hear the world going 'round.                        
                                                            
59927 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Marlene                  



A rumble you feel in your bones                             
Eliciting satisfied moeans,                                 
Is not from good sex;                                       
It's much more complex;                                     
It's from our Earth's revolving stones.                     
                                                            
59928 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Marlene                  



Late nights when it's quiet in bed,                         
The rumble is inside my head.                               
It gives me a sign                                          
That everything's fine;                                     
The world's going 'round; fear has fled.                    
                                                            
59929 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Marlene                  



You say it's the world's axis rumbling?                     
It must be the beaarings a-crumbling!                       
If the bearings are shot,                                   
Then the poles will get hot,                                
Then they'll smash and through space we'll be tumbling!     
                                                            
59930 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Tiddy Ogg                



I hate to disturb your night's sleep                        
But that rumblin's so very deep,                            
It's grinding away,                                         
While your are just lay-                                    
Ing down on your bed like Bo Peep!                          
                                                            
59931 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Archie                   



The friction is heating our Earth;                          
To disaster it will soon give birth.                        
As the core overheats,                                      
It'll blow us to bits;                                      
On pieces of Earth we'll space surf!                        
                                                            
59932 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Archie                   



The twitch of Earth's magnetic field                        
Is seldom to humans revealed.                               
Dear sensitive Mar,                                         
Just needs an iron jar;                                     
A big one, not too much annealed.                           
                                                            
59933 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              H Whelchel               



And now, the benefits double                                
Should Earth ever get into trouble.                         
Hermetically sealed,                                        
I'll scan her bent field,                                   
And fish her right out of the rubble.                       
                                                            
59934 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              H Whelchel               



My mag amps are way unsurpassed;                            
They're all cryo-nitrogen gassed.                           
She shant need a flare                                      
Or beacon out there.                                        
Her final Earth breath, though, must last.                  
                                                            
59935 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              H Whelchel               



So limmers, if you hear a hum,                              
And think Earth shall be overcome,                          
Kiss something for luck,                                    
Inhale a big suck,                                          
And climb in a 50 gal drum.                                 
                                                            
59936 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              H Whelchel               



The word, it is not really rumbling                         
As through the starred void we are tumbling.                
It's trains on the track;                                   
Cars on the tarmac;                                         
At natural science, I'm bumbling.                           
                                                            
59937 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Marlene Lewis            



For logical causes I sleuthed                               
And when I was little it soothed.                           
The sound helped me sleep                                   
With no need to weep.                                       
My way through night's darkess it smoothed.                 
                                                            
59938 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Marlene Lewis            



The West, in a tumult of chaos,                             
Fell in the Pacific embraos.                                
When it afterwards came                                     
To apportioning blame,                                      
The fault was presumed San Andreas.                         
                                                            
59939 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Hugh Oliver         A140A



The real reason for all that quaking                        
That made Seattle's building shaking,                       
And caused such a drama,                                    
Is that Big German Mama,                                    
A tremendous orgasm was faking.                             
                                                            
59940 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Dirruk                   



When Big Sexy Sam came, he blasted,                         
Leaving Flossie both flabbered and gasted.                  
"Well," she quippped, with a smile,                         
That's a lay with real style...                             
A seismological blast while it lasted.                      
                                                            
59941 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Grand Prix Lim   72      



A geology student named Victor                              
Took his date to the river and dicked her.                  
He admitted his fault                                       
In this heinous assault,                                    
But was proud of his 6 on the Richter.                      
                                                            
59942 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              C. Webster Wheelock P8311



Those mythic tales of maids Greek                           
Who eyes lachrymose tears did leak,                         
Were said to be clones,                                     
Source of Amber stones,                                     
Which rockhounds and geologists seek!                       
                                                            
59943 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Barb                     



When Richter's scales upward vault                          
And tremors start their ground assault.                     
When earthquakes came,                                      
Who was to blame?                                           
St. Andreas, 'twas his fault?                               
                                                            
59944 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Irving Superior     P9609



"Volcanic eruptions", she cried,                            
"Make me kind of excited inside."                           
On Stromboli's hot summit                                   
She started to thumb it,                                    
When whoosh!  Both her pussy-lips fried.                    
                                                            
59945 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Peter Wilkins            



The geologists argue in chorus                              
That the dinosaurs lived long before us.                    
But when walking down Yonge                                 
You can still fall among                                    
Some inebriate Toronto sore ass.                            
                                                            
59946 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Hugh Oliver           61a



A noted geologist, Walt,                                    
Once screwed a young lady of Galt.                          
She said, "You're proficient;                               
Is my fissure sufficient?"                                  
But her fissure, he said, was a fault.                      
                                                            
59947 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Albin Chaplin   3024-0638



A tiny volcano in Java                                      
Appeared, but it spurted no lava.                           
Then a little brown mole,                                   
With his nose through the hole,                             
Said, "I don't want to tunnel no farva."                    
                                                            
59948 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Funfax Limericks         



Two geologists met, excavated,                              
Became lava's who's heat devastated.                        
Their couplings volcanic                                    
Caused tremors and panic,                                   
And whole towns to be evacuated.                            
                                                            
59949 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Jim Weaver Collection    



A fellow from Bristol, called Steve                         
Was seriously known to believe                              
That, the world being flat,                                 
If once lost, your cat                                      
Would be terribly hard to retrieve.                         
                                                            
59950 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Michael Palin            



"You can have my advice (at a price)",                      
Said the doctor, "Concerning your vice;                     
You like poking your cock                                   
Between cracks in the rock?                                 
Well, OK, if it makes you feel gneiss."                     
                                                            
59951 SCIENCE - GEOLOGY              Peter Wilkins            



An anxious young lover named Hall                           
Romanced his fair date at a ball.                           
Though not as yet plighted,                                 
They wound up united;                                       
Privatum, pudendum, and all.                                
                                                            
59952 SEDUCTIONS                     Armand E Singer       520



I took Sally out back of the shed;                          
"I have something to show you," I said.                     
She said, "Ugh, what a sight!                               
I know looking's not right,                                 
I've a place we can hide it instead."                       
                                                            
59953 SEDUCTIONS                     John Miller 0038         



Said my Sally, out back of the shed,                        
"That's all of THIS, till we're wed.                        
'Cause what we just did                                     
Could result in a kid,                                      
And besides, I'd prefer it in bed."                         
                                                            
59954 SEDUCTIONS                     John Miller 0039         



A nice little number named Nancy                            
Got all liquored up and romancy.                            
A fellow named Anson                                        
Did all the romancin'                                       
And entered his tool in her pantsy.                         
                                                            
59955 SEDUCTIONS                     Jim Weaver Collection    



A Western New York native daughter                          
Wrote suggestive light verse she should naughter;           
The California Casanova                                     
Then tumbled her ova,                                       
And she found herself deep in hot water.                    
                                                            
59956 SEDUCTIONS                     Robin K. Willoughby P8505



I call Paco "Amor Encantada,"                               
Though, most-times, our sex-life is nada;                   
He becomes somewhat macho                                   
When smeared with gazpacho,                                 
And he's toro if I call him "Da-Da."                        
                                                            
59957 SEDUCTIONS                     Robin K. Willoughby P8710



When you're near I've always a grin                         
A devilish one, ready for sin.                              
And as we sip wine                                          
I'll think of devine                                        
Ways to ravage again and again.                             
                                                            
59958 SEDUCTIONS                                              



We could use the room's Jacuzzi                             
I know how a jet gets you woozy                             
While you sit upon it                                       
I'll slip you my bonnet                                     
And get your coozie all oozie                               
                                                            
59959 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Perhaps we could do something risky                         
As we are feeling quite frisky                              
Out on the balcony                                          
Under stars, none will see                                  
If they do, who gives a fig-isky                            
                                                            
59960 SEDUCTIONS                                              



You can stand with your hands on the rail                   
As I cum up behind at your tail                             
I would fondle your tits                                    
Kiss your neck, stroking nips                               
Fill your bits with a white, sticky trail                   
                                                            
59961 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Arch your back just a bit, that's the way                   
To slide deep inside you, okay?                             
Slowly at first                                             
Just like we 'rehearsed'                                    
For our movie back so many days.                            
                                                            
59962 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Then we can pick up the pace                                
My whole body feels your heart race                         
As I slide deep in                                          
Your quivering quim                                         
Shooting off like a star through space                      
                                                            
59963 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Who knows when the belle you do court,                      
Might suddenly want spicy sport?                            
On this thought I linger;                                   
Make sure that  your finger-                                
Nails always are clean and real short!                      
                                                            
59964 SEDUCTIONS                                              



If you give a slight little slash,                          
To the sensitive part of a gash.                            
Here's a thought to cause dread,                            
Revenge comes with next head.                               
The receipt of a sharp toothy gnash.                        
                                                            
59965 SEDUCTIONS                                              



While out with my sweetie one day,                          
I suggested we stop and we lay.                             
Oh don't be so crude;                                       
I'm not in the mood,                                        
Was all that she had to say.                                
                                                            
59966 SEDUCTIONS                     Puff Adder               



In my mind I made a small bet,                              
I'll persist and surely I'll get                            
A really good screw                                         
For me and her too.                                         
But she said, "Oh the grass is too wet!"                    
                                                            
59967 SEDUCTIONS                     Puff Adder               



Then over there a fence I spied;                            
She leaned back while I slid inside.                        
Her response was intense                                    
With passion immense.                                       
She cried, "This fence is electrified!"                     
                                                            
59968 SEDUCTIONS                     Puff Adder               



I have a champagne bottle chilling.                         
Myself, I'm quite warm, and I'm willing                     
To plant your dear kniph.                                   
(I see it's quite stiff!)                                   
And as I recall, quite full-filling!                        
                                                            
59969 SEDUCTIONS                     Jim Weaver Collection    



What's that? You want fourplay to start?                    
Oh yes, my long, hard counterpart!                          
With a little gyrate-play                                   
We'll make it eightplay!                                    
Twice the fun, hard of my heart!                            
                                                            
59970 SEDUCTIONS                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Get in Dutch just as oft as you can,                        
And do prove you're a wonderful man.                        
Come on now, make haste;                                    
There is no time to waste.                                  
Of long waiting hours, I'm no fan.                          
                                                            
59971 SEDUCTIONS                     Hugh Clary               



Nymph, here's your satyr arrived;                           
The journey, though long, I survived.                       
But I'd swim from Manhattan                                 
To the spot where you sat in                                
To ensure you're not passion deprived.                      
                                                            
59972 SEDUCTIONS                     Hugh Clary               



I've brought us some vittles to sup,                        
Along with a wine I thought up,                             
That I'm sure you'll adore,                                 
And after, implore                                          
That I spill more than grapes in your cup.                  
                                                            
59973 SEDUCTIONS                     Hugh Clary               



Gadzooks, but it's bneen a long trip,                       
Though I moved at a very fast clip;                         
I suggest we begin                                          
By baring some skin,                                        
For I'm longing to nuzzle a nip.                            
                                                            
59974 SEDUCTIONS                     Hugh Clary               



You'll forgive if it seems that I stare,                    
But as silk is the feel of your hair,                       
And your eyes limpid pools                                  
That glitter like jewels,                                   
As your shoulders hot bosom I bare.                         
                                                            
59975 SEDUCTIONS                     Hugh Clary               



Electric's the touch of your skin                           
As  I savor the melony twin.                                
With cherries in cream                                      
That peek at the seam                                       
Of the clothe as it slides to your skin.                    
                                                            
59976 SEDUCTIONS                     Hugh Clary               



I have fantasy settings galore;                             
A slow, sensuous treat is in store;                         
Now, Sweet Thing was fiction,                               
But for real is the friction,                               
Of a kind that I think you'll adore.                        
                                                            
59977 SEDUCTIONS                                              



After dusk, when the June sun won't scorch,                 
We will light up our own special torch;                     
I sit on the swing,                                         
With Ginny (Sweet Thing);                                   
Nice 'n dark in the screened-in front porch.                
                                                            
59978 SEDUCTIONS                                              



There are night-blooming bushes around;                     
With such fragrance! I'll be a wolfhound!                   
As we swing to and fro,                                     
Conversation gets slow;                                     
Something's stirring my Ginny's love-mound!                 
                                                            
59979 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Kind of quiet, now, stroking her hair;                      
Our lips brush and they flutter, and there                  
Are whispers and sighs.                                     
I stroke Ginny's thighs;                                    
(Love to see her in lacy nightwear!)                        
                                                            
59980 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Yellow fireflies glow near our love seat;                   
Cricket anthems and frog-calls so sweet;                    
Her adventurous hand                                        
Is exploring my gland;                                      
Why, bless me, my Ginny's in heat!                          
                                                            
59981 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Spontaneity's great; well I guess!                          
When she has it, I cannot suppress,                         
For my Ginny, an urge;                                      
On my knees! Passions surge;                                
And I lift up her feather-light dress!                      
                                                            
59982 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Oh, her nipples, so long; I'm struck dumb!                  
I can roll 'em 'tween finger and thumb;                     
With soft finger tips,                                      
I touch Ginny's hips;                                       
Holy cow! This chick's really a plum!                       
                                                            
59983 SEDUCTIONS                                              



We both shiver with anticipation,                           
And my Ginny craves more excitation;                        
Hands flat on my head                                       
Push down, to legs, spread;                                 
I'll lick lips making no exclamation!                       
                                                            
59984 SEDUCTIONS                                              



How her inners and outers play tricks!                      
Ginny's clit gets a memorable fix!                          
The swing rocks to and fro;                                 
And her hair hangs so low;                                  
On each bounce off my face, my tongue flicks!               
                                                            
59985 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Oh, her pelvis is rocking for sure;                         
Ginny's moaning with pleasure so pure;                      
Now she's stiff, now relaxed;                               
She's been sexually taxed;                                  
And I think she's just had the Grand Tour!                  
                                                            
59986 SEDUCTIONS                                              



But I think she can come one more time;                     
Want my rod in her quim, so sublime;                        
On the swing, flat we lie                                   
With her feet in the sky;                                   
Penetration is deep; Ginny's prime!                         
                                                            
59987 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Mounted on her, I feel such delight;                        
Her love-tunnel's so wet and so tight;                      
While our pubic bones pound,                                
And we roll 'em around,                                     
Oh, my Ginny's gone wild; it's a fright!                    
                                                            
59988 SEDUCTIONS                                              



When we come, we are both glassy eyed!                      
Such a super-climactic flood tide!                          
Like the Fourth of July;                                    
Think some rockets flew by!                                 
Oh, my Ginny, for a sec we both died!                       
                                                            
59989 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Now we're rag-dolls; the frenzy abates;                     
So you see how this pair conjugates;                        
Once again, Ginny hears                                     
The night sounds in her ears;                               
Silly frogs out there still "brupp" for mates!              
                                                            
59990 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Oh, a porch swing's a fantasy, true;                        
But nastier dreams have I, too;                             
The kind with some leather                                  
And maybe a feather;                                        
Let's see what your Ginny can do!                           
                                                            
59991 SEDUCTIONS                                              



My Penis may be shriveled and small,                        
But that's hardly a problem at all,                         
As it's the surprise                                        
That I see in their eyes                                    
And they can see that I'll give my all.                     
                                                            
59992 SEDUCTIONS                     Anon                     



A busty blonde wench from Westphalia,                       
Said, "Come to the meadow, ya big male, ya."                
He whetted her passion                                      
In the most torrid fashion,                                 
Till her speech turned into glossolalia.                    
                                                            
59993 SEDUCTIONS                     Bruce Thompson           



"Do you like pussy cats?" Shirley said.                     
David Katz led her boldly to bed.                           
He ravished her bod                                         
Like the Marquis de Sade.                                   
"So, who told you my name?" David said.                     
                                                            
59994 SEDUCTIONS                     Al Willis                



A man with a prick like Apollo                              
A buxom young maid once did follow.                         
She succumbed to his wiles                                  
And it brought him big smiles,                              
Till he found that his victory was hollow.                  
                                                            
59995 SEDUCTIONS                     Albin Chaplin   3024-2936



There was a young lady of Joppa,                            
Who came a society cropper.                                 
She went to Ostend                                          
With a gentlemen friend,                                    
-- The rest of the story's improper.                        
                                                            
59996 SEDUCTIONS                     Samuel Hopkins Adams     



To my neighbor, I said, "Beg your pardon,                   
But I'm watching you bend in your garden.                   
In your flimsy white shirt                                  
And your short little skirt,                                
You are causing my weiner to harden."                       
                                                            
59997 SEDUCTIONS                     Cap'n Bean          P9809



She said, "Yes, I can see that it's growing.                
Through your pants, a great bulge is now showing."          
Then she lifted her skirt,                                  
And we fell to the dirt,                                    
And made love in the spot she'd been hoeing.                
                                                            
59998 SEDUCTIONS                     Cap'n Bean          P9809



Once your clothes I've entirely removed,                    
And into my bedroom we've moved,                            
Though the wine's still decanting,                          
We'll be screaming and panting                              
(And I don't care if the Pope disapproved).                 
                                                            
59999 SEDUCTIONS                     Bob Mornington           



I'm wriggling out of my dress,                              
Peeling down to nothing less                                
Than six inch spike heels.                                  
How does it feel                                            
When against your body I press?                             
                                                            
60000 SEDUCTIONS                     Arden                    



A guy with an urge to do merge,                             
He met a hot gal named Converge;                            
He leapt with a twirl,                                      
She spun with a swirl --                                    
They flew through the air all-a-surge.                      
                                                            
60001 SEDUCTIONS                                              



In a laundromat, I did flirt                                
With girls, who were otherwise curt.                        
I smiled, I laughed,                                        
Yet none knew my craft.                                     
Well, at least now, I have a clean shirt.                   
                                                            
60002 SEDUCTIONS                                              



They returned to his place from a date.                     
She reclined on the sofa, prostrate.                        
He asked, without pomp,                                     
"Do you wish for a romp?"                                   
She said, "I'm not prone to debate."                        
                                                            
60003 SEDUCTIONS                     Bob Giandomenico    P9103



An IWW guy                                                  
Begged his girl friend, "Unbutton my fly!"                  
His dick appeared knobbly,                                  
But quick became wobbly,                                    
Till she thought to un-knot his red tie.                    
(IWW - Internation Workers of the World = Wobblies)         
60004 SEDUCTIONS                     Robin K. Willoughby P8608



It is rumored in Seneca Falls                               
That when horny young Englebert calls,                      
He gets stewed, he gets blewed,                             
He gets screwed and tattooed--                              
These modern kids just climb the walls!                     
                                                            
60005 SEDUCTIONS                                         G0752



The importance of love is as follows:                       
If a man likes your curves and your hollows,                
It may put a hitch                                          
In your plans to cross-stitch,                              
But that shouldn't be too hard to swallow.                  
                                                            
60006 SEDUCTIONS                                              



In the shade of the old apple tree                          
Where between her fat legs I could see                      
A little brown spot,                                        
With the hair in a knot,                                    
And it certainly looked good to me.                         
                                                            
60007 SEDUCTIONS                                         L0111



I asked as I tickled her tit,                               
If she thought that my big thing would fit.                 
She said it would do,                                       
So we had a good screw                                      
In the shade of the old apple tree.                         
                                                            
60008 SEDUCTIONS                                         L0111



In the shade of the old apple tree,                         
I got all that was coming to me.                            
In the soft dewy grass,                                     
I had a fine piece of ass                                   
From a maiden that was fine to see.                         
                                                            
60009 SEDUCTIONS                                         L0111



I could hear the dull buzz of the bee,                      
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.                          
Her ass it was fine,                                        
But you should have seen mine,                              
In the shade of the old apple tree.                         
                                                            
60010 SEDUCTIONS                                         L0111



In the shade of the old apple tree,                         
Young Rosie once whispered to me:                           
"I would if I could,                                        
But I'm good and I should                                   
Be home cooking hubby his tea."                             
                                                            
60011 SEDUCTIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



In the shade of the old lemon pippin,                       
In Spring we were merrily trippin'.                         
We lay on the grass,                                        
And what came to pass...                                    
We picnicked on brown bread and drippin'.                   
                                                            
60012 SEDUCTIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



In the shade of the old Norfolk Biffin,                     
With Rosie I went for some tiffin.                          
But hay fever struck,                                       
And I cursed my luck,                                       
And stumbled home sneezin' and sniffin'.                    
                                                            
60013 SEDUCTIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



In the shade of the old Granny Smith,                       
The girl with a lisp I was with                             
Became most romantic;                                       
Her actions grew frantic...                                 
"For heaven'th thake, give me a kith."                      
                                                            
60014 SEDUCTIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



In the shade of the Golden Delicious,                       
I felt she was getting lubricious.                          
We slowly disrobed                                          
And places I probed...                                      
But telling you more's injudicious.                         
                                                            
60015 SEDUCTIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



In the shade of the ancient old Yew,                        
I whispered "I'll always be true."                          
But just as I spoke,                                        
The silence was broke                                       
By the bleat of a gorgeous young ewe.                       
                                                            
60016 SEDUCTIONS                     Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a lass of Shalott,                           
Who was put in a bit of a spot.                             
For girls to make passes                                    
At guys glimpsed in glasses,                                
Apparently isn't so hot.                                    
                                                            
60017 SEDUCTIONS                     Mary Holtby              



In the hayloft, my country bush-bunny,                      
Plays hard-to-get, just to be funny;                        
I'll  moan and I'll cry                                     
For Sweet Thing's hair pie;                                 
That nectar! That tongue-in-groove honey!                   
                                                            
60018 SEDUCTIONS                                              



But Sweet Thing can't hold out forever;                     
She's horny, and won't be too clever;                       
Soon my hands clutch her fanny,                             
As I slurp in her cranny;                                   
It's our favorite rural endeavour!                          
                                                            
60019 SEDUCTIONS                                              



In a haystack, at a time we've appointed,                   
We frolic 'till I get her annointed;                        
Oh, my Sweet Thing is wild;                                 
And what's got me beguiled,                                 
By gum, this here chick's double-jointed!                   
                                                            
60020 SEDUCTIONS                                              



With a full picnic basket, plus blanket,                    
In a meadow for a nice outdoor banquet,                     
Found a spot quite obscure;                                 
See, my Sweet Thing's demure,                               
But her love-engine wants me to crank it!                   
                                                            
60021 SEDUCTIONS                                              



In a quiet spot in the tall grass,                          
Near a bunch of some sweet sassafras,                       
With my Sweet Thing, o'er lunch,                            
Soon, I got a strong hunch                                  
That some good things would sure come to pass.              
                                                            
60022 SEDUCTIONS                                              



She was lazily rocking her hips,                            
While my Sweet Thing was feeding me chips;                  
While her hands to me clung,                                
I put grapes on her tongue;                                 
With my finger, I stroked her moist lips.                   
                                                            
60023 SEDUCTIONS                                              



On her back, then, she looked sleepy eyed;                  
Up my forearm, her foot did a slide,                        
With a li'l playful yelp,                                   
Naughty Sweet Thing said: "Help,                            
With my shoe lace: it needs to be tied."                    
                                                            
60024 SEDUCTIONS                                              



She wore tennies and white cotton socks;                    
Pleated skirt a bit shorter'n frocks;                       
I tied that shoe string,                                    
For my 'helpless' Sweet Thing;                              
Then I saw the prize dream of most jocks!                   
                                                            
60025 SEDUCTIONS                                              



'Neath her skirt, she was bare! My dear pet!                
Such a Sweet Thing! I still see it yet!                     
Her muff made me buzz;                                      
T'was mostly peach fuzz;                                    
And her cleft was already quite wet!                        
                                                            
60026 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Through the sheer blouse, could see such fine nips;         
Like two tent-poles they pushed, with hard tips;            
Fingers traced Sweet Thing's thighs,                        
Lightly following my eyes;                                  
Then I stroked her warm tummy and hips!                     
                                                            
60027 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Her lips got a more reddish tint;                           
My Sweet Thing was dropping a hint!                         
I pulled off my pants                                       
To free up my lance;                                        
Got going, while her eyes had that glint!                   
                                                            
60028 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Into Heaven I plunged, hy-dee-ho!                           
Grinding groins, how it set us aglow!                       
And Sweet Thing just laughed                                
With joy when my shaft                                      
Got her drenched with a seminal flow!                       
                                                            
60029 SEDUCTIONS                                              



Now and then, sure, we both had to stop;                    
Had some fruit juice, and shared a gumdrop                  
In between the four lips;                                   
Amidst tangling tongue tips!                                
Oh, my Sweet Thing! I climbed back on top!                  
                                                            
60030 SEDUCTIONS                                              



After hours of this rip-snorting bout,                      
We were due to go home, without doubt;                      
"C'mon, more!" Sweet Thing whooped;                         
"No more, love, I'm pooped!"                                
I stood up, and my legs near gave out!                      
                                                            
60031 SEDUCTIONS                                              



My Sweet Thing now grins like a shark;                      
Bought me something, she says, on a lark;                   
She just nudges and winks;                                  
She won't tell, but methinks                                
It's a cod-piece that glows in the dark!                    
                                                            
60032 SEDUCTIONS                                              



There is a young woman from Riga                            
With morals depressingly meager.                            
She's seduced twice a week                                  
By a lecherous Greek                                        
If "seduced" is the word when she's eager.                  
                                                            
60033 SEDUCTIONS                     Isaac Asimov             



She blushed, did the cutie from Victor                      
When she told how the city dude tricked her                 
Into playing his way                                        
Twice that day in the hay...                                
She fought, but he finally licked her.                      
                                                            
60034 SEDUCTIONS                     Grand Prix Lim   76      



A lady from Briston named Bligh,                            
Who all of her life had been shy,                           
Was cured in a week                                         
By two Poles and a Greek,                                   
Whom she met on the Island of Skye.                         
                                                            
60035 SEDUCTIONS                     Michael Palin            



In college a coed Miss Aker,                                
Her chosen career, Undertaker,                              
To conquer her charms                                       
You must cross your arms                                    
And if she smiles down, under take her.                     
                                                            
60036 SEDUCTIONS                     Irving Superior     P8311



His hand smoothes its way up my thigh.                      
I utter a soft little sign.                                 
That lump's cellulite.                                      
No wait. That's not right!                                  
I'm blushing so hard I could die.                           
                                                            
60037 SEDUCTIONS                     Marty                    



Perhaps we could start with the knee.                       
He kisses it gently for me.                                 
There's room there between                                  
For now he has seen                                         
How very bow-legged I be.                                   
                                                            
60038 SEDUCTIONS                     Marty                    



If I place my hand on his chest                             
To feel his heart beat in his breast,                       
Then why does it race                                       
All over the place?                                         
If I don't touch him, that'd be best!                       
                                                            
60039 SEDUCTIONS                     Marty                    



That still is not sensual, true?                            
Why don't I leave that up to you?                           
I will just relate                                          
On our little date,                                         
I came home all black and blue.                             
                                                            
60040 SEDUCTIONS                     Marty                    



I don't think it needs to be said,                          
That Richard would like us both dead.                       
If we could but charm                                       
His intentions from harm,                                   
Back to getting young women in bed.                         
                                                            
60041 SEDUCTIONS                     Jim Weaver Collection    



Teaching tricks to one so attentive                         
Is not hard if you're inventive.                            
I'm inspired by you                                         
And the sweet things you do,                                
As your body to mine is augmentive.                         
                                                            
60042 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



But I will forgive your transgression,                      
And we'll share yet another hot session.                    
Be they brown or pale blue,                                 
They'll soon fixate you,                                    
Not let's get back to our horny wee lesson.                 
                                                            
60043 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Jayne                    



More lovely thou art, dearest May,                          
Than a heavenly summer-time day;                            
My heart beats and thuds                                    
For your darling sweet buds                                 
As you see from my trouser affray.                          
                                                            
60044 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



The tight pants which were worn by Miss Pink                
Would be hard to get into, I think.                         
Said Miss Pink, "It is plain                                
You'll get in without strain,                               
But first you must buy me a drink."                         
                                                            
60045 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Albin Chaplin   3024-0296



The weather's so cold and so musty;                         
She was getting so fat, she looked busty.                   
There was many a man,                                       
Try as he can,                                              
Couldn't get what she had, saying "Trust me!"               
                                                            
60046 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Mischief                 



Until one particular feller                                 
Grabbed hold of her hair long and yeller.                   
In the gamekeeper's cot,                                    
His cue found per pot...                                    
It was young Lady C. and old Mellors.                       
                                                            
60047 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Tiddy Ogg                



If you make it over today,                                  
I won't mind if the storms stay.                            
I won't care anymore,                                       
Just as long as you're                                      
Here to cuddle and play.                                    
                                                            
60048 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



A shrewed little cocksman named Canning                     
Haunts singles bars, carefully scanning                     
All the girls in a hunt                                     
For a pushover cunt,                                        
Which he says is "Cuntingency Planning".                    
                                                            
60049 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Jim Weaver Collection    



I have this cute name for my Gwen;                          
I use the word "chicken" and then                           
We have some red wine                                       
And she starts to recline.                                  
But once, I forgot and said "hen".                          
                                                            
60050 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Al Willis                



A rascal far gone in lechery,                               
Lured maids to their doom by his treachery.                 
He invited them in                                          
For the purpose of sin,                                     
Though he said 'twas to look at his etchery.                
                                                            
60051 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Anon                     



There once was a man from Dayton,                           
Who got tired of sitting around waitin'.                    
So he packed his valise,                                    
And he traveled a piece,                                    
which improved his chances of matin'.                       
                                                            
60052 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             MrMalo                   



An extremely preoccupied tutor,                             
Was a charming but unthinking suitor;                       
Hence his girlfriend got mad,                               
And called him a cad,                                       
When he inadvertently screwed her.                          
                                                            
60053 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Margaret A. Murdock P8311



I'll be there, Ladies, within hours,                        
Beforehand, you should expect flowers.                      
Now whatever we do,                                         
I am trusting that you                                      
Will not reveal all in the showers.                         
                                                            
60054 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



Through the window a spinster named Barrett                 
Observed a lad beating his carrot.                          
So she yelled, with arms crossed,                           
"This is Love's Labor Lost!                                 
Why don't you come in and we'll share it."                  
                                                            
60055 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Albin Chaplin   3024-1833



A most passionate spinster named Blum,                      
Found a lad who was eager but dumb.                         
With her hand on his knee,                                  
She begged him, "Come and see!"                             
He replied, "Don't you mean see and come?"                  
                                                            
60056 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



A biology major named Max                                   
Is abreast of mammalian facts!                              
He induces Caesareans                                       
In the looser librarians                                    
And seduces the stacked in the stacks.                      
                                                            
60057 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Frances D. Sails    P8311



A lad selling lewd magazines                                
Encountered a lady of means.                                
She claimed strong moral fiber,                             
But became a subscriber                                     
When he once penetrated her jeans.                          
                                                            
60058 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Albin Chaplin   3024-1368



A fragile young maid from Brome Lake                        
Was obsessed by the fear she might break,                   
But succumbed in the end                                    
To the plea of a friend                                     
That "I promise to mend what I make."                       
                                                            
60059 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Hugh Oliver           46b



There's nothing wrong with our Trudy,                       
She's never cross or too moody.                             
I'll take her to bed;                                       
Maybe she'll give some head;                                
Then I'll be happier truely.                                
                                                            
60060 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Jim Weaver Collection    



A fervent young lad set aflame                              
An elderly spinster named Mame.                             
So she took out her pad                                     
And she said to him, "Lad,                                  
Tell me what is the name of this game?"                     
                                                            
60061 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Albin Chaplin   3024-1303



There was a young girl named Flo,                           
When asked if to bed she would go,                          
Said, "What do you think?                                   
If you buy me a drink,                                      
You know I'll never say No!"                                
                                                            
60062 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Jon Makin                



There was a young man from the Nile,                        
Who amours lacked savoir and style.                         
He preferred open country                                   
And brazen effrontery,                                      
To the wiles of conventional guile.                         
                                                            
60063 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             John Ciardi              



"Appalling!", said Mrs. O'Shay,                             
The ways of young lovers today.                             
They grope and they paw                                     
And grapple some more,                                      
In order to get them a lay.                                 
                                                            
60064 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



Many seemed to decide it's no use;                          
The carefully made plan to seduce                           
Their love 'neath the moon,                                 
To make her heart swoon,                                    
'Fore releasing that hot, sticky juice.                     
                                                            
60065 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Clement Woods 1943  P0601



There really is no high art                                 
In getting her legs spread apart.                           
In order to sip                                             
From those fuzzied lips                                     
And guide in that rigid love dart.                          
                                                            
60066 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



He's certainly not Mr. Right,                               
But the way that I'm feeling tonight,                       
This Mr. Right Now                                          
Looks good anyhow.                                          
I don't think I'll put up a fight.                          
                                                            
60067 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Marlene                  



We know what you're thinking are few;                       
In fact, I think there are just two:                        
You want to lay me?                                         
You like what you see?                                      
Not questions, but statements -- both blue.                 
                                                            
60068 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Marlene Lewis            



There was a young lover from Bristol                        
Whose motives were clear as pure crystal.                   
He invited some lass                                        
To have lunch on the grass --                               
A target for use by his pistil.                             
                                                            
60069 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Armand E Singer       223



Monique, a French dame from Paree,                          
Sat in a cafe eating brie.                                  
Along came Marcel...                                        
Looking ever so swell,                                      
And now they are panting "Oui oui!"                         
                                                            
60070 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Pam steadman       TP9804



When a lady feels low," says McGee,                         
"Make your help both effective and free.                    
Steer clear of analysis                                     
And suggest instead, phalluses:                             
I have found that she'll always agree."                     
                                                            
60071 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                 G0121



A maid on a farm outside Mold,                              
Once said to a shepherd, "I'm told                          
That you have a fine ram.                                   
Now, I'd make a good dam,                                   
So why not come into my fold?"                              
                                                            
60072 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Harold C Bibby           



He tried to kiss and romance her;                           
He asked if he might de-pants her.                          
She replied, "No way!"                                      
Then I heard him say,                                       
"Is that your final answer?"                                
                                                            
60073 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



"My final answer it is;                                     
I only allowed you a kiss!                                  
You think that romance                                      
Will win you my pants?                                      
Try getting a larger penis!"                                
                                                            
60074 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



On a survey of first dates Prof. Ness,                      
Asked girls, "Would you care to undress?"                   
He found 84.6                                               
Said, indignantly, "Nix!"                                   
But that 15.4 answered "Yes!"                               
                                                            
60075 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             John Ciardi              



Said a genial, self-confident chap,                         
To the pretty young thing on his lap,                       
"Of course you can't leave.                                 
You're here to conceive,                                    
And you'll love it, so don't be a sap."                     
                                                            
60076 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Isaac Asimov             



In opera, often called horse,                               
The heroine, rescued (of course)                            
From hands of a villain                                     
For whom she "warn't willin'",                              
Submits to more chivalrous force.                           
                                                            
60077 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             R. J. Winkler       P8412



Al Nino, predictor of weather,                              
Pursued a young virgin named Heather;                       
Pondering the chance                                        
To get into her pants,                                      
Looked into her eyes to tell whether.                       
                                                            
60078 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Tom Patton          P9807



At the last dance, a scoundrel from Media,                  
Picked a wallflower and whispered, "I needia!"              
Said the maiden undaunted,                                  
It's nice to be wanted,                                     
But you could have been just a bit speedia."                
                                                            
60079 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             John Ciardi              



There was a young lady of Formia,                           
Whose housekeeping ways would disarm ya.                    
When there came a cold snap,                                
She'd climb in your lap,                                    
So her little base-burner could warm ya.                    
                                                            
60080 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                 L0033



Vidi a young Latin lass,                                    
And vici her heart and her ass.                             
She fondled genteely                                        
My membrum virile,                                          
But veni to quickly, alas.                                  
                                                            
60081 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Peter Wilkins            



I have traveled the whole world around,                     
And I've heard many questions profound.                     
But in old Bucharest,                                       
This question was best:                                     
"Would you like to start fooling around?"                   
                                                            
60082 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Al Willis           P9702



There was a young suitor named Oliver,                      
Whose surname, ill-suited, was Tolliver.                    
When of his Intended                                        
Asked how much he wanted,                                   
Said Oliver Tolliver "All of her!"                          
                                                            
60083 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Laurence Perrine    P8405



A wee Scottish lass called Miss Baird,                      
Was seduced by the son of the laird.                        
With some crude hanky panky,                                
Above Killie Crankie;                                       
She feared, but she dared, and she bared.                   
                                                            
60084 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



A caliph who came from Kabili,                              
Complained that his harem was chilly;                       
So all his wives said,                                      
"Then let's go to bed                                       
And let us not dally or dilly."                             
                                                            
60085 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND             Harold C Bibby      P9710



A bottle of wine would be fine                              
Though I'm more accustomed to "whine";                      
But I shouldn't mince this,                                 
I'm a bonafide princess                                     
of the Jewish-American kind.                                
                                                            
60086 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



And I wonder if you'd like to see                           
A little bit more about me.                                 
Before we begin                                             
(She said with a grin)                                      
Or is this just irrelevancy?                                
                                                            
60087 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



Well Cheri, without being rude                              
(I'm a gentleman, never too crude)                          
It would thrill me to bits                                  
If you showed me your tits;                                 
'Twould get both of us right in the mood.                   
                                                            
60088 SEDUCTIONS - BLAND                                      



Each morning a farm girl named Mears                        
Would answer each time that she hears                       
"A-cock-a-doodle-doo"                                       
With "Any cock'll do,"                                      
Then smiling would pick up her ears.                        
                                                            
60089 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Irving Superior     P9011



It was plain that she had a strong yen.                     
She asked him to come to her den.                           
They imbibed of the grape,                                  
They came and went ape,                                     
And she asked him to please come again.                     
                                                            
60090 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Al Willis           P9710



A gentleman doesn't hold back                               
When those animal passions attack.                          
And her quivering quim                                      
Is quite desperate for him;                                 
To be forceful and fill up her crack.                       
                                                            
60091 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



Superwoman Mary McNair                                      
Met superman Rocky Adair.                                   
With a flash of her eyes                                    
And a showing of thighs,                                    
She soon had him bedded and bare.                           
                                                            
60092 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Clif Gauss          P8401



I've a teddy of black lace and then                         
Garters and silk stocking so thin,                          
The siletto high heels                                      
Just meant for thrills;                                     
Come to me when you have a yen.                             
                                                            
60093 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



There was a young maid from Kuwait                          
Who was rated as tops on a date.                            
Though she started out slow,                                
'Twas the lads who cried "Whoa!"                            
At a point we're not free to relate.                        
                                                            
60094 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Bennet Cerf Coll    P9210



A very handsome young male,                                 
I was eagerly plying with ale.                              
He said, "Want the 'deed',                                  
Like a book, I can read                                     
you"!  That book had better be Braille!                     
                                                            
60095 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



Toss the boxers aside without care;                         
I'll toss my shirt in the chair.                            
Forget Scots and kilts,                                     
And before that thing wilts,                                
Bring it over to me if you dare.                            
                                                            
60096 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



It doesn't take much to amuse                               
A guy with his pants 'round his shoes,                      
When a lecherous old fart                                   
Finds a bold little tart,                                   
Making offers he just can't refuse.                         
                                                            
60097 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



A bashful young bachelor Cleary,                            
Of girls was exceedingly leary.                             
Then a lady named Lou                                       
Showed him how and with who                                 
He could render his evenings more cheery.                   
                                                            
60098 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



There was a young lady named Beverly,                       
Whose house was a place for much revelry.                   
She induced a young man                                     
To sit on her divan,                                        
And there she seduced him quite cleverly.                   
                                                            
60099 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin            



Maybe a single wet kiss'll                                  
Unleash your heat-seeking missile;                          
Or maybe a peek                                             
At the heat that it seeks;                                  
Or perhaps it will come when I whistle.                     
                                                            
60100 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



A moral young lad who was trusting                          
Was stopped by a girl who was lusting,                      
For a man with a prick,                                     
So she dropped her pants quick,                             
But the hole thing, he said, was disgusting.                
                                                            
60101 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0362



I've been celibate now for so long,                         
Every frankfurter looks like a dong;                        
I've a halo incrust-                                        
ed with diamonds and rust                                   
That I'll let you have for a s(chl)ong.                     
                                                            
60102 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Robin K. Willoughby P8602



"Oh Boy!  Come here won't you please?                       
Don't stand over there, you big tease.                      
Let's not quibble,                                          
I just want a nibble.                                       
I'm here for you, down on my knees.                         
                                                            
60103 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Ginger                   



There was a young lady of Stockholm                         
Who took through the park a long walk home,                 
And at home did arrive                                      
With a man who could drive --                               
Yes, he knew how to drive the old cock home.                
                                                            
60104 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0348



The wife of a star-gazing man                               
Said, "I've taken all that I can.                           
Your looking at Venus                                       
Has quite come between us.                                  
It's time you examined my tan."                             
                                                            
60105 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Macsam                   



There was a young lady named Gloria,                        
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"                   
She replied to the chap,                                    
"I'll draw you a map,                                       
Of where others have been to before ya."                    
                                                            
60106 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G1557



A handsome young widow named Vi,                            
Seduced all the wardens nearby.                             
When the siren said, "Woo!"                                 
What else could they do,                                    
To extinguish the gleam in her eye?                         
                                                            
60107 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             L1593



"My God!" screamed devout Mrs. Pike,                        
As she fondled the stableman's spike.                       
"This is quite out of place,                                
And a great loss of face,                                   
But I think I have fallen in like!"                         
                                                            
60108 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



If chased by a young piece of skirt,                        
Then, of course, I am tempted to flirt.                     
Whether more, I can tell                                    
From the way that I swell                                   
And the pressure my trousers exert.                         
                                                            
60109 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



Experts say, "When it comes to wooing,                      
Passionate kisses are ensuing.                              
Just like a spider's web,                                   
Spun by a pretty deb,                                       
Always leads to a fly's undoing."                           
                                                            
60110 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Thomas Patton       P0306



An eager young file clerk named Irma                        
Once said, with an amorous murmur,                          
"I've chosen just one                                       
Of my bosses for fun,                                       
'Cause I'm giving my all for the firm-er."                  
                                                            
60111 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Isaac Asimov             



A Panther girl stuck in a tree                              
Spied a warrior taking a pee.                               
So she dropped from above                                   
And gave him her love,                                      
And threw in a shave job for free.                          
                                                            
60112 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Minx Kelly               



To satisfy sexual greed,                                    
Girls, here's the advice you should heed:                   
Board a bus in Penzance,                                    
Pretend you're in a trance,                                 
You'll get all the action you need.                         
                                                            
60113 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Ed Potts            P8507



Miss Gracie Mae Hopper from Lynn             (MA)           
Is a super inducement to sin --                             
Curvacious, flirtatious,                                    
Voracious -- good gracious!                                 
Give up, get it up, and go in!                              
                                                            
60114 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Lance Payne         P8805



A young lady who came from the South,                       
Said she'd give her ass free to McLauth.                    
He said, "Show what I'm getting."                           
She replied, "Stop your fretting;                           
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."                      
                                                            
60115 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0341



As they rode to the ton, Mr. Brown                          
Slipped his prick 'neath the young lady's gown.             
When they reached the top floor,                            
She requested some more,                                    
So she asked if he'd like to go down.                       
                                                            
60116 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-1246



She called up her girlfriend to say                         
That her life was in sad disarray.                          
"I caught hubby Fred                                        
Making love on the bed."                                    
"That's great, I got mine the same way."                    
                                                            
60117 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Charles E. Midlam   P9702



I met this sweet girl in Des Moines.                        
I bought her a thick tenderloin.                            
We went to her pad,                                         
We kissed, and egad!                                        
'Twas then I felt hands on my groin.                        
                                                            
60118 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



After things were made ready with pains.                    
My dear lover this night was detained.                      
My bed is prepared                                          
And was meant to be shared.                                 
Here's a handsome man. Need I explain?                      
                                                            
60119 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         David Finley             



Let me put my possessions in storage,                       
And release all my cattle to forage;                        
If the lady reported                                        
Wants her creams now assorted,                              
I'll be happy to help stir the porridge.                    
                                                            
60120 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



A student of Schoolmistress Maud                            
With masculine passion was gnawed.                          
And served with high honor                                  
When asked to mount on her                                  
(His sheepskin read Magna Come Laud).                       
                                                            
60121 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Norm Storer              



He asked "What's a nice girl like you                       
Doing hanging around in this zoo?"                          
So I took him upstairs                                      
And showed him my wares;                                    
When he left he was slightly askew.                         
                                                            
60122 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



Dora thought he was hopelessly gay                          
But she managed to lead him astray,                         
And told friends with a sigh                                
That he sure wasn't dry,                                    
And his head was screwed on the right way.                  
                                                            
60123 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Bill Backe-Hansen   P9003



When this girl desires a man,                               
She set up an erotica plan.                                 
When she is ready,                                          
She gives them all heady                                    
Delighting while they feel her can.                         
                                                            
60124 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



An Idaho gal named Miss Grange                              
Roamed the hills for a purpose quite strange.               
When she found a young hick,                                
She would measure his prick,                                
And if long, drive it Home On The Range.                    
                                                            
60125 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G0602



Once again, there is really no doubt,                       
'Bout which sex with I like to hang out.                    
So leer if you must                                         
And satiate your lust,                                      
But what if my wife should find out?                        
                                                            
60126 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Robyn                    



A lazy, fat fellow named Betts,                             
Upon his fat ass mostly sets.                               
Along came a gal                                            
And said, "I'll fuck you, pal!"                             
He said, "If you'll do the work, let's."                    
                                                            
60127 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



A steamy young slut in Carmel                               
Told her boyfriend, "We can't very well                     
Do it here, for my folks                                    
Don't care for slow pokes.                                  
Lets fuck in a modern motel!"                               
                                                            
60128 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G2288



I'm wearing a teddy of lace;                                
The kind that is meant to encase                            
A woman's best charms                                       
And delicate arms;                                          
I'm waiting here for your embrace.                          
                                                            
60129 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



The gorgeous young gal looked so beddable,                  
She even impressed one as edible.                           
And on the first date                                       
She said, "Let's not wait!"                                 
Incredible!                                                 
                                                            
60130 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Ken Elrod           P8209



There was a young lady from Lynn             (MA)           
Who had such a penchant for sin,                            
That hardly a lout                                          
That invited her out                                        
But she shortly invited him in.                             
                                                            
60131 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Lance Payne         P8805



I'd better stop now, 'cause my Erm                          
In deshabille's making me firm.                             
She does not need to ask                                    
If I'm up to the task,                                      
Of giving a dose of my sperm.                               
                                                            
60132 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



A lonely surveyor named Shand,                              
Gave in to a native's demand:                               
She was eager to screw.                                     
It was then that Shand knew,                                
He'd at last got the lay of the land!                       
                                                            
60133 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



She looked at me, mortified.                                
"I didn't know you had more to hide!                        
The things you've been in --                                
I know it's a sin.                                          
But this time we'll just let it slide."                     
                                                            
60134 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Peter Derr               



There was a young lodger named Byrd,                        
Who woke in the night.  Had he heard                        
Something stir?  Was a hand,                                
Softly fondling his gland?                                  
Yes, he had, and it was.  'Pon my word!                     
                                                            
60135 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         John Ciardi              



My mother advised, "Never wed                               
The first woman who takes you to bed,                       
Unless the loose bitch                                      
Is uncommonly rich--                                        
Then propose to the darling," she said.                     
                                                            
60136 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         William N. Nesbit   P9605



It is possible that you have heard,                         
Badminton is not so absurd.                                 
This gal who was built                                      
Showed no sense of guilt                                    
When she had her way with my bird.                          
                                                            
60137 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Al Willis           P9511



You boss me around; that you do.                            
Are you jealous my coochity-coo?                            
Now if Romance's high                                       
And I see eye to eye,                                       
Then sweet Romance is next in the queue.                    
                                                            
60138 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



There once was a girl with a clit,                          
That had its own mind and quick wit.                        
It peered from the hood                                     
And said, "If you would                                     
Nibble me first, then the tit...."                          
                                                            
60139 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Funny Bone               



A young girl knows how to entice                            
A boy to the pleasures of vice.                             
Just how she does so;                                       
Here's all that I know:                                     
It's "nice" -- meaning sweet and precise.                   
                                                            
60140 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Laurence Perrine    P8503



An Irish colleen named O'Venus                              
Took hold of a gentleman's penis.                           
Said she, "Let's undress,                                   
And when I confess,                                         
I can say there was nothing between us."                    
                                                            
60141 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Joseph Kesselring   P8312



Now saints can't be sinners, per se,                        
And we certainly can't call them risque,                    
But this saintly young kid                                  
Has a powerful id,                                          
And she offered to be my buffet.                            
                                                            
60142 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Al Willis                



Two lovers went out for a stunt                             
On the Thames in a flat-bottomed punt.                      
She said, "Nobody's near;                                   
With my free-traders here,                                  
All's clear, dear, from back or from front."                
                                                            
60143 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G0049



I'm sorry, but truth must be told.                          
Your Aunt Mabel's honor's been sold.                        
With Mr. FB,                                                
She stayed after tea,                                       
And she behaved overly bold.                                
                                                            
60144 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Archie                   



The wife of an absent dragoon                               
Begged a soldier to grant her a boon.                       
As she let down her drawers,                                
She said, "It's all yours--                                 
I could decant the whole damned platoon!"                   
                                                            
60145 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G0567



This gal looked a lot like my spouse.                       
She said we could surf at her house.                        
On the Net, I'm an ace,                                     
But she cut to the chase,                                   
For she wanted to play with my mouse.                       
                                                            
60146 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Al Willis                



Fred has a young lady named Terri,                          
Whose eyes are wandering, very!                             
They have just seen me,                                     
She's baring her knee,                                      
I think we're about to make merry!                          
                                                            
60147 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



Prayed frustrated spinster, Miss Sue,                       
"At last I've a man who will do,                            
And I beg you, dear God,                                    
If he covets my bod,                                        
Please will him to hop on me, too."                         
                                                            
60148 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Armand E Singer       129



Out shopping went lonely Miss Shore                         
To buy her a book at the store.                             
She did not seek a book                                     
Which explained how to cook,                                
But a book to bring wolves to her door.                     
                                                            
60149 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-2296



I will leave such nailmarks on your skin,                   
As I grab you and thrust you right in.                      
Our howls and moans,                                        
Your "deep throaty" groans,                                 
Then you'll leave with a satisfied grin.                    
                                                            
60150 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jayne                    



To unbutton a shirt is a breeze.                            
Bra hook thingys are a tease.                               
But when nipples pop                                        
'Neath a thin see-through top,                              
My dick exits trousers with ease.                           
                                                            
60151 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Frank Spectra            



A promiscuous woman named Muir,                             
Lacking looks, got her men by a lure.                       
She just happened to faint                                  
And pretend a complaint                                     
For which sex was the singular cure.                        
                                                            
60152 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Paul Westwood       P9605



With a beauty from old Martinique,                          
Whose taut, hard and sexy physique                          
She'd press against me,                                     
With an urgent French plea...                               
"Mon amour, s'il te plait, baise-moi chic..."               
                                                            
60153 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



When Marcia embraced Davy Jones,                            
A chill went straight to her bones!                         
For there in his pants,                                     
Rose a really good chance,                                  
That they'd share a couple good moans!                      
                                                            
60154 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



A widow who pestered the judge,                             
Couldn't get his attention to budge.                        
By keeping on at him                                        
She finally got him                                         
To take up her case!  Wink, wink, nudge!'                   
                                                            
60155 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Alistair Sampson    P0209



A lass went to shop Bonwit Teller                           
For something to please her shy feller,                     
And picked up some perfume:                                 
No matter the gloom,                                        
At least the poor feller could smell her.                   
                                                            
60156 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Norm Storer         P9205



Our friend Ice thought he was immune                        
To the gal who at his feet swooned;                         
Skirts high in the air                                      
Showed blonde pubic hair.                                   
Tomorrow starts his honeymoon.                              
                                                            
60157 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



My approach: as you sit in your chair                       
Is to gradually show you some hair                          
That is curly and neat                                      
And surrounding a treat,                                    
You can access, that is, if you dare.                       
                                                            
60158 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



There was a young lady named Beatty,                        
So gorgeous and wholesome and meaty,                        
That when she would fuck                                    
An ardent young buck                                        
She requested he sign a piece treaty.                       
                                                            
60159 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0036



As an iceman, I'd hurry along,                              
But Suzie was very headstrong;                              
Insisting I tarry                                           
At another box, hairy,                                      
To give her a slip of the tong.                             
                                                            
60160 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



At a singles bar, sultry Annette                            
Came on like a tempting coquette,                           
When a fellow named Kline                                   
Asked her what was her sign,                                
She smiled and said, "Slippery When Wet."                   
                                                            
60161 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Bob Giandomenico    P8905



A personnel person from Cobb                                
Was giving a young man the job.                             
Said she, "I can tell                                       
You will do very well.                                      
You're a young man who uses his knob."                      
                                                            
60162 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         John Ciardi              



There was a young lady named Riley                          
Who posed in a manner so shyly,                             
And thus caught young Bernard                               
When he was off his guard.                                  
It was then she seduced him so slyly.                       
                                                            
60163 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin            



In the back of a taxi, my chum                              
Discovered his girl was not dumb:                           
When he said, "I embrace                                    
Your virtue and grace,"                                     
Her answer was, "Well, so how come?"                        
                                                            
60164 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             P9111



He had a huge sex appetite,                                 
And when he met Carole, Miss Right,                         
It caused him such stress,                                  
He had to confess,                                          
And she said, "Won't you spend the night?"                  
                                                            
60165 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



There once were three girls from Hohokus,                   
Who cried to some swimmers, "Pleas poke us!                 
Use your tools so gigantic                                  
To drive our twats frantic --                               
Spray away: we don't care if you soak us!"                  
                                                            
60166 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G1563



When Hoover was dating Miss Beggs,                          
She said, when she spread out her legs,                     
"I deplore, Mr. Hoover,                                     
Such a lengthy maneuver;                                    
It is time for the sausage and eggs."                       
                                                            
60167 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0038



A Greek scholar who walked like a duck                      
Had a habit of running amuck,                               
Till little Miss Royster                                    
Lured him out of his cloister,                              
And taught the old codger to fuck.                          
                                                            
60168 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G1545



An elderly lady aloof                                       
Gave a ride to a lad as a spoof.                            
He ravished her neat                                        
In the front and back seat,                                 
And buggered her twice on the roof.                         
                                                            
60169 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-1306



The lawyer remarked to Miss Custis,                         
"The jury I'm sure does distrust us."                       
So this girl in her fury                                    
Seduced the whole jury,                                     
And she thus make a mockery of justice.                     
                                                            
60170 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin       P8111



There once was a lady from Baylor,                          
Who spent all her time with a jailer,                       
A former sailor                                             
Named Maury Taylor;                                         
She wanted jailer Taylor to nail her.                       
                                                            
60171 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Gearhart                 



The maiden cried out in deep sorrow,                        
"Now that you've defiled me, my Zorro,                      
You can never deny                                          
That I surely must die,                                     
So you'd better be back here tomorrow.                      
                                                            
60172 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0339



"Oh rip off my panties and teddy                            
And ravish me senseless, dear Eddie."                       
"I'm trying to, right;                                      
But your teddy's too tight                                  
And I've come in your panties already."                     
                                                            
60173 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



There was a young man from Point Hunt.                      
My wife asked him, "What do you want?                       
A tail, juicy, fine?--                                      
Why don't you try mine?"                                    
So he shot off his prick in her cunt.                       
                                                            
60174 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Clement Wood        G0743



She searched for a gentleman who'd                          
Delight in her warm sexy mood.                              
She got breast augmentation                                 
And tubal ligation,                                         
And now she is sure to be screwed.                          
                                                            
60175 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Al Willis           T9707



That well-known young lady of France                        
Was not satisfied just to dance.                            
So, wanting to screw                                        
Monsieur Pompidou,                                          
She deftly unbuttoned his pants.                            
                                                            
60176 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Larry Davis         P8507



Said a forward young damsel of Dijon                        
To her timorous swain, "Why, you're shy, John.              
Since at billing and cooing                                 
There's not very much doing,                                
Do you mind if I undo your fly, John?"                      
                                                            
60177 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G2686



Seduction gives you a thrill?                               
Then seduce me as long as you will;                         
Taking time, dearest Petal,                                 
To fondle my metal,                                         
Until I am ready to spill.                                  
                                                            
60178 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



I proposed to a woman named Nell.                           
She said yes in a seedy motel.                              
Ten years have gone by,                                     
I regret with a sigh.                                       
When in heat, a man cannot foretell.                        
                                                            
60179 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Al Willis           P9711



Seeing big Greg whacking his winky,                         
Marcia motioned to him with her pinky.                      
She blew him and his mind;                                  
Acrobatic 69.                                               
"Marcia, I knew not you were kinky!"                        
                                                            
60180 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



A couple lay down by the Tanit,                             
And it was the girl who began it.                           
She said, "Come and nestle                                  
Your mast in my vessel,                                     
And, when you are ready, please man it."                    
                                                            
60181 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Harold C Bibby      P9710



There's a question designed to perplex,                     
When a woman asks, "Do you want sex?"                       
That's almost like sayin'                                   
Does Harley know Dav'son                                    
Or if a flexible spring can flex.                           
                                                            
60182 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             T9712



In the car, she was bold while caressing.                   
I'll admit that I was acquiesing.                           
We ran up to my room,                                       
And we played bride and groom.                              
We wasted no time while undressing.                         
                                                            
60183 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the blushing young girl, slightly vexed:               
"I am practically certain I'm sexed.                        
So, if you don't mind it,                                   
Let me know when you find it,                               
And we'll figure out what to do next."                      
                                                            
60184 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                             G1625



While watching Wee Will wank his winkie,                    
Wilmina would wiggle her twinkie.                           
She wants Wee Will's winkie                                 
Within her wet twinkie,                                     
To wiggle with 'stead of her pinkie.                        
                                                            
60185 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Gearhart                 



A bold young girl approached a fellow,                      
Grabbed his cock without even a 'hello'.                    
"My pleasure, you see,                                      
Is to fuck while I pee;                                     
In with white and out with some yellow."                    
                                                            
60186 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE         Straydog                 



I'll just rub the giant's bald head,                        
And tuck him in my flower bed --                            
We'll plant him really deep;                                
But he won't go to sleep --                                 
I bet he will rise up, instead!                             
                                                            
60187 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



My lady loves courtship that's slow;                        
At night when most blossoms don't show,                     
My  Sweet Thing just settles;                               
Her rosy red petals                                         
Unfold just by candle light's glow!                         
                                                            
60188 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE                                  



A lovely young girl from Nantucket                          
Bared her pussy and asked me to suck it.                    
I'd been giving her head                                    
For some time when she said,                                
"Your dicks hard now and I want to fuck it!                 
                                                            
60189 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



Seemed we fucked for an hour or more                        
On the bed, in a chair, on the floor                        
When I filled her with creme                                
She came with a scream                                      
And awakened the neighbors next door.                       
                                                            
60190 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



I once had a roll in the hay                                
With a fine girl from Maryland way.                         
She extracted my lance                                      
From the slit in my pants,                                  
And then fucked me all night and all day.                   
                                                            
60191 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Gearhart                 



This girl who unzipped your apparel,                        
And attacked you with fever most feral,                     
I'm guessing the name                                       
Of that venturesome dame,                                   
Who splurged all you splashes, was Daryl.                   
                                                            
60192 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Hugh Clary               



She dropped by to see me, she said.                         
Next thing, she was giving me head.                         
She first let me mount her                                  
Bent over the counter,                                      
To end it, I screwed her in bed.                            
                                                            
60193 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Limberick                



We fucked as we sat on the floor,                           
And leaning against the front door.                         
At the end of each hour,                                    
We'd screw in the shower;                                   
She's becoming a bit of a bore.                             
                                                            
60194 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Limberick                



When she wailed, "Rip it off me!"                           
Her beau was just shouting with glee.                       
"It's finally mine,                                         
And you'll look just fine                                   
In shreds from your neck to your knee."                     
                                                            
60195 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



Been reading those "ripped bodice" books?                   
I like covers where the man looks                           
Like he tossed his clothes                                  
And then struck a pose,                                     
To show off his crannies and nooks.                         
                                                            
60196 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



She egged him on with her charms,                           
And wriggled right into his arms.                           
She promised him bliss,                                     
With her first little kiss,                                 
And they soon found themselves in a barn.                   
                                                            
60197 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                     L1625



She slid under his much-muscled torso,                      
And guided his shaft to her more so.                        
He drilled till she ran,                                    
And dripped into a pan.                                     
She was filled like she'd wished, only more so.             
                                                            
60198 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                     L1626



With a look of appeal on her face,                          
She pointed below to the place:                             
"Though is doesn't need dressing,                           
The itch is distressing;                                    
But where is your instrument case?" --                      
                                                            
60199 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Lance Payne         P8503



There's nothing I need that is missing.                     
I'll examine your tongue while we're kissing.               
What else this demands,                                     
I can do with my hands,                                     
And the tool I use also for pissing."                       
                                                            
60200 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Lance Payne         P8503



While partaking of my quarterly shot                        
Of the lot which some people misname pot                    
I read Marlene's plea                                       
And I wrote with my knee                                    
That which follows and it has no sane plot                  
                                                            
60201 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



A nude little lady, Marlene,                                
Had asked for non-creeps to drop een.                       
But the response, quite huge,                               
Could have melted a luge,                                   
And not just the boudoir was seen.                          
                                                            
60202 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



With sirens and bells came the Fire Brigade                 
And their hoses began spouting lemonade.                    
Marlene had her screw,                                      
Others had naught to do                                     
'Cept themselves and remaining parade.                      
                                                            
60203 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



That friction when combined with the heat                   
Meant that those bodies and all that meat                   
Set fire to the bed,                                        
And the beer lost its head.                                 
The lemonade was a much needed treat.                       
                                                            
60204 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



Ever been showered with Lemonade?                           
You should see the mess that they made!                     
I didn't get one screw                                      
Let alone get two                                           
I got quite lost in the parade.                             
                                                            
60205 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



Your fire report is in error,                               
About what really went on here.                             
I did not get laid                                          
By the Fire Brigade,                                        
My lucky neighbor did, I fear.                              
                                                            
60206 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



That's right.  They all went the wrong place!               
I never even got to first base.                             
Since I am so short,                                        
I just got ignored;                                         
She was posed in pearls and lace!                           
                                                            
60207 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



I can see how you could confuse us;                         
I sound taller when I write; thus                           
Your report was sincere,                                    
Even though I fear,                                         
You assigned the wrong name to the fuss.                    
                                                            
60208 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jim Weaver Collection    



While thinking one day on the crapper,                      
Of gentlemen handsome and dapper,                           
At forty unbrided,                                          
Aunt Gertrude decided                                       
To go find a man to unwrap her.                             
                                                            
60209 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Younger Brother          



Her plan was decidedly simple,                              
She changed mini-skirt for her wimple.                      
By showing some leg,                                        
There'd be no need to beg;                                  
She'd just smile, so to show off her dimple.                
                                                            
60210 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Younger Brother          



On her first night out, Gertrude met Fred.                  
He was older, but better than dead.                         
But he wasn't too rich,                                     
And his eye had a twitch,                                   
So he never got into her bed.                               
                                                            
60211 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Younger Brother          



Gertrude's failure at first had her grievin',               
But she persevered 'til she met Steven.                     
His hand stroked her breast,                                
Her crotch he carressed,                                    
And she said, "Now you've got me believin"!                 
                                                            
60212 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Younger Brother          



Gertrude said, "I want more than just kissing;              
I want to know what I've been missing!                      
I like to get stroked,                                      
But I'd love to get poked!                                  
Don't limit its talents to pissing!"                        
                                                            
60213 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Younger Brother          



Oh Archie, my sweet little 'possum,                         
My lust is beginning to blossom.                            
Your place or mine?                                         
We'll shag all the time...                                  
And your teeth, don't forget to floss 'em.                  
                                                            
60214 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jayne                    



My heart is beginning to thunder;                           
All that passion you exude from down under.                 
The words that you said                                     
Make my cheeks go all red,                                  
And blood rushes to places of wonder.                       
                                                            
60215 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jayne                    



Now that our passion is mounting,                           
My juices are flowing like a fountain.                      
I might let you lick it,                                    
(Even though you like cricket)                              
Till next time we meet, I am counting.                      
                                                            
60216 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Jayne                    



The girl that I've always dreamed of                        
Has stolen my heart, I'm in love.                           
Her thighs I caressed;                                      
She quickly undressed,                                      
And whispered, "Oh, heaven's above!"                        
                                                            
60217 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



She knelt over me and some strands                          
Of her hair had a brush with my glands;                     
With a flick of her wrist                                   
I knew I had kissed                                         
It. My heart was held tight in her hands!                   
                                                            
60218 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



That beautiful girl next door, Nance,                       
Caused the front of my pants to advance                     
'Till the zipper gave way,                                  
Which caused her to say,                                    
"Do you think I could joust with that lance?"               
                                                            
60219 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



When I said I'd not joust, with one voice                   
All the knights could be heard to rejoice.                  
They hadn't a chance                                        
With sword, mace or lance,                                  
When I used my weapon of choice.                            
                                                            
60220 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



I wilI put off the load from your back,                     
When at my place you go hit the sack.                       
Be a sonofagun;                                             
Tonight we'll have fun;                                     
Relight your fire in Gwennie's crack!                       
                                                            
60221 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



The fare for the ride, it's no jest,                        
Is modest compared to the rest.                             
And I don't have to skimp                                   
'Cause this chick has no pimp.                              
In this business, Gwen's simply the best!                   
                                                            
60222 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



On the beach shore somewhere off in Spa-in,                 
A beautiful girly was layin',                               
Sprawled out on the beach                                   
And just outta reach,                                       
Her bodacious bootie displayin'.                            
                                                            
60223 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



I advanced and I give her a glance.                         
She told me to discard my pants.                            
I did as she said                                           
And she gave me some head,                                  
And then she sat down on my lance.                          
                                                            
60224 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



She rode hard my broad throbbing beast,                     
An hour or two at the least.                                
And when she'd decided                                      
She'd long enough rided,                                    
She left me right there for deceased...                     
                                                            
60225 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES                          



A farm girl from Clanfield named Joyce;                     
She wooed with her come-to-bed voice.                       
She'd coo, "Plant your seed...                              
But first you must weed.                                    
The rake or the hoe, that's your choice."                   
                                                            
60226 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Tiddy                    



But raking and hoing's no thriller;                         
They both are a back-breaking killer.                       
To tend Joyce's furrow                                      
Before one can burrow,                                      
Requires a good gas-powered tiller!                         
                                                            
60227 SEDUCTIONS - BY FEMALE -SERIES Travis Brasell           



I once had a friend called Ayr                              
Who thought blokes at Madras did dismay her.                
She examined their thought                                  
And became quite distraught,                                
On finding their aim was to lay her.                        
                                                            
60228 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           J. Davie and C. Hilditch 



As they kissed and caressed in a hollow,                    
He said, as they noticed a swallow,                         
"You have got me, I find,                                   
By the heart and the mind,                                  
And where they lead, my balls want to follow!"              
                                                            
60229 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



I once met a beautiful Persian,                             
A shy one who needed coercion.                              
So I gave her a smile                                       
And she thought for a while,                                
Then allowed me to make an insertion.                       
                                                            
60230 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           CM                       



Said Big Randy Dan of Pinole,                               
"The new schoolmarm is my sexy goal!                        
I've a wide choice of frails,                               
Each with more willing tails,                               
But she'd be the best on the whole."                        
                                                            
60231 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Grand Prix Lim  243      



There was a young lady named Brigid,                        
Who everyone thought was quite frigid.                      
But a passionate Celt                                       
Made her reticence melt,                                    
And with passion our Brigid grew rigid!                     
                                                            
60232 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                               G0023



There was a young lady named Astor                          
Who claimed that no man was her master.                     
She had a long drink                                        
With a fellow named Brink,                                  
And by Brink she was led to disaster.                       
                                                            
60233 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1307



"Yes, of course," said a girl from Latrop,                  
"But it's hard to know quite where to stop.                 
A boy lifts your slip.                                      
Then you hear him unzip.                                    
Then what do you do?, Call a cop?"                          
                                                            
60234 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           John Ciardi              



I would say she had beautiful eyes                          
And I'd laugh at her witty replies.                         
(But if I confessed                                         
To my fetish for breast,                                    
I'd be clutching my balls, I surmise!)                      
                                                            
60235 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Peter Wilkins            



Chief censor Adolphus MacHugh                               
Gasped, "Darling what I wouldn't do                         
To turn down the lamp                                       
And then (CENSORED STAMP)                                   
You suggestive, unprintable you!"                           
                                                            
60236 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Forbidden Limericks P8802



In spring a man's fancies turn naughty.                     
Even ladies prim, proper and haughty                        
Are the aim of his lust.                                    
So if he gains their trust,                                 
He shouldn't refuse them, now ought he?                     
                                                            
60237 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           John Miller 0276         



Girls polish the membrum virile                             
Of that lustful old satyr, O'Reilly.                        
He lures them indoors                                       
And slips down their drawers,                               
Gets their little cracks quivering highly!                  
                                                            
60238 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                               G0216



I'm not interested now in your coffee,                      
But looking this time for a boffie.                         
I am combing the beach                                      
And inspecting now each                                     
Chick for a fuckable moffie!                                
                                                            
60239 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



There was an old sheik of Algiers,                          
Whose conquests outnumbered his years.                      
When asked for his style,                                   
He said he just smiled                                      
Sympathetically under the ears.                             
                                                            
60240 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Glimmerick Book     P9006



"Dinner?  Your place?  How romantic!                        
Why Peter, you've got me just frantic!                      
What on earth shall I wear?                                 
I suppose you don't care                                    
Since I've got these bazooms so gigantic."                  
                                                            
60241 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



No fool is a friend of mine, Herman;                        
He's studied for years to determine                         
How to win a slick chick,                                   
Who's both sexy and chic:                                   
Rob banks and then dress her in ermine.                     
                                                            
60242 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Armand E Singer       533



There was an old maid name of Hoyt,                         
Seduced by a man from Detroit.                              
Her feeble resistance                                       
Was more like assistance;                                   
It was best to relax and enjoy it.                          
                                                            
60243 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Albin Chaplin            



My pickup lines are about etchings,                         
And disclose much about all my letching.                    
A cask of Madiera                                           
Lets me come neara,                                         
To her whose downfall I am fetching.                        
                                                            
60244 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Archie                   



There was a young lady named Hatch,                         
Who would always come through in a scratch.                 
If a guy wouldn't neck her,                                 
She'd grab hold his pecker                                  
And shove the thing right up her snatch.                    
                                                            
60245 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                               L0307



A randy young girl called Miranda,                          
Wanted laying by someone much grander,                      
Than an ill-favored chump                                   
Who was nearly all hump,                                    
And so Ferdinand easily manned her.                         
                                                            
60246 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Peter Alexander          



Here's the sad tale of Matilda,                             
Seduced as she was by a builder.                            
No-one else ever did,                                       
'Cause she couldn't get rid                                 
Of the concrete with which that bloke filled her.           
                                                            
60247 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



There was an old fellow named Coombs                        
Who rented apartments and rooms.                            
His rents were reduced                                      
For the girls he seduced,                                   
And were free to the ones with tight wombs.                 
                                                            
60248 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Albin Chaplin 3024  G1762



A Montreal woman named Alec,                                
Would swoon for a smooth talking Gallic.                    
An accented imploring                                       
Of tender "amour"-ing,                                      
Would prime her for overtures phallic.                      
                                                            
60249 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Alex Heydon         P0402



His romance is beyond comprehension,                        
Perhaps because of his dimension.                           
The women succumb --                                        
Indeed they all come --                                     
And they always give him special mention.                   
                                                            
60250 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



Of his face, she thought not too much,                      
But then, at the very first touch,                          
Her attitude shifted.                                       
He was terribly gifted                                      
At frigging and fucking and such.                           
                                                            
60251 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                               L0070



Be discreet and modest and wise,                            
Fuckabilitys no function of size.                           
Be subtle, don't boast;                                     
Be nice to your host;                                       
Then give her an enormous surprise.                         
                                                            
60252 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



An observant young man of the West                          
Said, "I've found out by personal test                      
That men who make passes                                    
At girls who wear glasses,                                  
Get just as good ass as the rest.                           
                                                            
60253 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                               G0222



A frigid old lady named Bogg                                
Had a pussy as cold as a frog.                              
A man with dispatch                                         
Lit a flame in her snatch                                   
When he slipped her a heat-warming log.                     
                                                            
60254 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old maid of Peru,                              
Who swore that she never would screw,                       
Except under stress,                                        
Or forcefull duress,                                        
Like, "I'm ready, dear, how about you?"                     
                                                            
60255 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Isaac Asimov             



A miss can be most intellectual                             
And still have a yen for the sexual.                        
It can be quite revealing                                   
To discuss things with feeling...                           
An approach often proving effectual.                        
                                                            
60256 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Grand Prix Lim  293      



A persuasive young fellow of Kitchener                      
Turned his charm on his lady, bewitchener;                  
Though indifferent to much                                  
Of black magic and such,                                    
He was really intent on the nitchener.                      
                                                            
60257 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Keith MacMillan       66a



The tapestry of a romance                                   
Is woven by yarns that, perchance,                          
Unravelled one night,                                       
When so full of shite,                                      
A lad talked a lass from her pants.                         
                                                            
60258 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Travis Brasell           



Back then (in the Sixties) were herds                       
Of pert little short-skirted "birds"                        
Who'd whip off their pants                                  
For a spot of romance,                                      
If one knew how to boogie with words.                       
                                                            
60259 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



A housewife from Rehoboth Acres                             
Got fed up with door-to-door fakers.                        
"Each one, I find,                                          
Has one thing on his mind!"                                 
Such was her lament to her makers.                          
                                                            
60260 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                               G0169



There was a young fellow named Thomas                       
Who said to his girl, "Let us calm us.                      
When the times comes, we'll marry."                         
But she was not wary;                                       
All she got was a lick and a promise.                       
                                                            
60261 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0887



I wrote this nice card, dear, to you,                       
In hopes that the message comes through.                    
I love you forever;                                         
I won't fail you ever;                                      
Now can I please have a first screw.                        
                                                            
60262 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



I just can't seem to get laid.                              
But next week, after I'm paid,                              
I'll get an advance from the boss                           
So I can pay off Ross,                                      
And learn how to make chicks my slave.                      
                                                            
60263 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



I was brought up without restrictions;                      
My parents and I never had frictions                        
Over books that I read                                      
And the girls that I head,                                  
As long as there were no complictions.                      
                                                            
60264 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Nikita                   



When Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz,                        
She said, as he plunged in his putz,                        
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"                              
He answered "Not really,                                    
I just want to blow off my nuts."                           
                                                            
60265 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-2144



In leaving it all up to chance,                             
You risk losing out on romance;                             
It takes planning and guile                                 
And patience and wile,                                      
To get a gal out of her pants.                              
                                                            
60266 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Norm Storer         P0012



The old farmer instructed Miss Tweed                        
How he tended the corn to grow feed.                        
He said, "Lay on the ground                                 
Where I've plowed it around,                                
And I'll show how I planted seed."                          
                                                            
60267 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0365



Don't take it too far like a dork,                          
And sniff at the poor lady's cork.                          
Praise her sensuous lips                                    
And her smooth slender hips,                                
If her next, you'll be wanting to pork.                     
                                                            
60268 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



I like them younger or older.                               
I prefer they be shy or else bolder.                        
I'll take short or tall.                                    
In fact, I'll take them all,                                
Though I much prefer warmer to colder.                      
                                                            
60269 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           MrMalo                   



He came in, wearing only a hat;                             
A woman in tow, despite that.                               
They went to his room;                                      
We heard noises like zoom,                                  
Crash, bang, wallop, and purrs from a cat?!                 
                                                            
60270 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



In the morning, when he awoke,                              
He realized he was a joke.                                  
He was very shaken;                                         
He found he'd been taken                                    
For his money; it left him quite broke.                     
                                                            
60271 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



A sweet farmer's daughter named Kay                         
Met a slick city waiter one May.                            
He asked, "In the mood                                      
For some good Chinese Food?"                                
So they had a spring roll -- in the hay.                    
                                                            
60272 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           S. M. Polonsky           



There once was a man from St. Clair                         
Who decided to screw the au pair.                           
With a knock on the door,                                   
They dropped to the floor,                                  
Instead of their favorite chair.                            
                                                            
60273 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Arden                    



There was a young person named May,                         
Who never let men have their way.                           
But one brawny young spark                                  
One night in the park...                                    
Now she goes to the park every day.                         
                                                            
60274 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Linda Marsh Coll         



A chick found a dude quite all right                        
And agreed to a date with delight.                          
And after much coaxing,                                     
Pretending and hoaxing,                                     
Agreed to be sub-dude that night.                           
                                                            
60275 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jane D. Hughes      P9107



Young Skinner was on to a winner!                           
Down on the floor he did pin her.                           
She cried out for more,                                     
Until he was sore,                                          
And cared not if he made her a sinner.                      
                                                            
60276 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jayne                    



There's a lassie from Castletownbere,                       
With tresses of lovely dark hair,                           
Which I'd love to be feeling,                               
And sweet kisses stealing,                                  
And that little bit more -- sure I'd dare!                  
                                                            
60277 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Linda Marsh Coll         



There once was a cocky young sailor,                        
A dropout from Harvard and Baylor.                          
When he spied a cute lass,                                  
He would turn on the class,                                 
And more often than not he would nail her.                  
                                                            
60278 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Bill Edwards        P9103



My dear, you'll not find me fickle,                         
But I do find myself in a pickle.                           
How will you respond                                        
To this gay vagabond?                                       
Perhaps we should try a test tickle?                        
                                                            
60279 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Albin Chaplin       P8603



In Belfast dwelt a sweet maid,                              
Who swore that she wasn't afraid,                           
But a farmer from Derry                                     
Came after her cherry --                                    
'Twasn't just an advance -- 'twas a raid!                   
                                                            
60280 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Linda Marsh Coll         



So you now stand tall and erect,                            
With no help from Viagra I suspect.                         
Getting ready to lunge,                                     
Joining me in the plunge,                                   
Do I understand that as correct?                            
                                                            
60281 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



Nancy, next door in her pad,                                
Had a nail needed driving real bad.                         
I hadn't a hammer,                                          
But no need to stammer;                                     
I just used the tool that I had.                            
                                                            
60282 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                                    



A young maiden showed no remorse.                           
She said, "My virtue was perforce                           
Stripped away by the lad                                    
Who added a tad                                             
Of sweet nothings to rhymes never coarse."                  
                                                            
60283 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           J'Carlin                 



An electrical man of Fort Myers                             
Is convinced that the secret is wires,                      
And will try to seduce                                      
Them with low-voltage juice,                                
As they placidly play with his pliers.                      
                                                            
60284 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Keith MacMillan     A034B



A hot-blooded fellow from Cheeney,                          
Whose girl was a frigid old meany,                          
One night stormed the fort,                                 
And was heard to report:                                    
"As the Latins would say, 'Vici vini!'"                     
(I conquered, I came)                                       
60285 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           Don Boen            P8112



Only Joey ever will know                                    
How he got his petoot into Flo.                             
Though she looks and acts hot,                              
Free twat she gives not--                                   
Was it Joey's sweet talk, or his dough?                     
                                                            
60286 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE                               G1816



Little Eva was quite a nice girl                            
Till a lecher took her for a whirl.                         
He teased and beguiled her                                  
And finally defiled her;                                    
All of this just to watch her toes curl.                    
                                                            
60287 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           John Miller              



At a hall in a mansion in Paris,                            
When he tried to seduce a young heiress,                    
She protested, "Not here!"                                  
"Very well then, my dear,"                                  
He replied, "just step out on the terrace."                 
                                                            
60288 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE           High Seriousness    P8402



Gift baskets filled with perfumes.                          
Dining in candle lit rooms.                                 
A long stem rose                                            
Our passion, it grows.                                      
A more fragrant pink flower blooms.                         
                                                            
60289 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



My most charming self I showed her                          
To surrender, my charms all bode her                        
Culture, you see                                            
Is why she let me                                           
Break her down like a shotgun and load her.                 
                                                            
60290 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



That's charming; but how many fucks                         
Did your get for your hundreds of bucks?                    
All that perfume divine,                                    
And that dinner and wine;                                   
Seen your credit card statement? It sucks!                  
                                                            
60291 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



After frolicking in her snatch,                             
These oozing sores began to hatch.                          
Oh, the yearning                                            
To end the burning.                                         
My poor penis I'd love to detach.                           
                                                            
60292 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



So to the doctor I go                                       
Regretfully after that ho.                                  
And his advice,                                             
"Put your dick on ice."                                     
Now it rises ever so slow.                                  
                                                            
60293 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



It starts with a few gentle strokes;                        
Some chatter and even some jokes.                           
But her need is so strong                                   
That we know before long,                                   
Just the action this teasing provokes.                      
                                                            
60294 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



So we waste little more of the night                        
And, vowing to do it just right,                            
My highly skilled hands                                     
Work to meet her demands,                                   
And her laugh turns to moans of delight.                    
                                                            
60295 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



As my fingers find just the right spot,                     
There's an intake of breath -- this girl's hot!             
As I gently explore                                         
Every cranny and pore,                                      
Using motions I never forgot.                               
                                                            
60296 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



No action of mine has she spurned,                          
Nor denied me the joy that I've earned.                     
Her motions compete                                         
With a vixen in heat,                                       
As her heated response is returned.                         
                                                            
60297 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



I can tell by the curl of her toes                          
And the arch of her back, how she grows                     
Almost ready to pop,                                        
As we climb to the top,                                     
And her skin becomes suffused with rose.                    
                                                            
60298 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



Then down again, just for a while,                          
But I know very well from her smile                         
That she knows I'm no slob,                                 
Who won't finish the job.                                   
She expects me to go the whole mile.                        
                                                            
60299 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



Once again I express my devotion                            
In an act that transcends mere emotion,                     
In a frenzy that feeds                                      
On our mutual needs,                                        
In one final frenzy of motion.                              
                                                            
60300 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



She sighs at last, seeming replete,                         
But whispers, "Gee, that sure was neat.                     
You're really some man!                                     
But next time if you can,                                   
Will you do a bit more than my feet?"                       
                                                            
60301 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



Oh where is that beautiful blonde                           
Of whom I am utterely fond.                                 
I've felt my love grow                                      
Each day 'til the flow                                      
In my pants could now form a large pond.                    
                                                            
60302 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  Jon Gearhart             



Your beautiful blonde is still here,                        
But just for a moment, I fear.                              
So pull out your dickie,                                    
I've time for a quickie,                                    
But clean up your pants first, my dear.                     
                                                            
60303 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  Carol                    



She's here at my ranch to relax,                            
Sans bra, panties, blouse, shoes and slacks.                
Don't worry your soul,                                      
I'll send her home whole,                                   
Right after I plug up her cracks.                           
                                                            
60304 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  Travis brasell           



I wish I could sit and relax,                               
On a farm or a ranch eating snacks,                         
And drinking vermouth,                                      
But the pitful truth:                                       
I'm working or I'll get the ax!                             
                                                            
60305 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  Carol                    



Though you are my lover divine,                             
I'm afraid I will have to decline                           
Your kind offer of bread                                    
Till you get into bed,                                      
And manhandle this metal of mine.                           
                                                            
60306 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  H Whelchel               



I'll give you a wink and a nod                              
When it's getting too much for my rod.                      
Then I'll rip off your scanties                             
And stockings and panties                                   
And take you to heaven, by God...                           
                                                            
60307 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  H WHELCHEL               



By caressing and licking your toes;                         
Working up to your petals of rose.                          
Then I'll tease you, my pet,                                
Till you're thoroughly wet                                  
And exposed in lascivious pose.                             
                                                            
60308 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  H WHELCHEL               



With your nipples and beautiful thighs...                   
(At this juncture I think it is wise                        
That I lock the front door                                  
For I thought that I saw                                    
Someone prowling around in disguise.)                       
                                                            
60309 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  H WHELCHEL               



I poured her a small glass of wine,                         
And she giggled and looked quite divine;                    
So I poured her some more                                   
But she fell to the floor...                                
Wasn't quite what I had in my mind.                         
                                                            
60310 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  Peter Wilkins            



It's an inexact science, I guess,                           
Trying to get a girl out of her dress,                      
You must give enough booze,                                 
To cause her to lose                                        
Inhibitions, but not consciousness.                         
                                                            
60311 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Who says that they need be alert?                           
Myself, I feel good when inert.                             
And she does the bouncing,                                  
The sucking, and jouncing.                                  
It's best when I dream that I squirt.                       
                                                            
60312 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



The knight in his shiny armor                               
And smile. He was quite a charmer.                          
His thirst he did sluice                                    
With women.  Seduce                                         
Daughters of noble or farmer.                               
                                                            
60313 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



Her upbringing advantageous.                                
His antics were most outrageous.                            
She, he did excite                                          
'Til bright morning light.                                  
Her Daddy went most rampageous.                             
                                                            
60314 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



By light of a single candle                                 
She slipped off her strappy sandal.                         
A goddess in sheer                                          
Panties and brassiere;                                      
The sight of her caused a scandal.                          
                                                            
60315 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



On a pigeon's a dung-spattered cote,                        
I'll skip a word-for-word quote;                            
Sir Pudluster's gotten,                                     
In a fix, methinks rotten;                                  
His lance just trapped the old goat!                        
                                                            
60316 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



The whole Duchy laughed very hard                           
At the fate of this wenching bas-tard;                      
No bragging!  No bluster!                                   
No more for Pudluster!                                      
He's been hoisted by his own petard!                        
                                                            
60317 SEDUCTIONS - BY MALE - SERIES                           



A sweet Scottish lassie named Bude,                         
Was debauched on a hilltop quite nude.                      
In some curde hanky-panky                                   
Above Killiecrankie,                                        
She was buggered, stewed, screwed and tattooed.             
                                                            
60318 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 G1532



There was a young soldier named Hilary,                     
Who spent several days in the pillory.                      
Reconnoitering a lass,                                      
He had reached an impasse,                                  
And he brought up his heavy artillery.                      
                                                            
60319 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                      



There was a young fellow, McNair,                           
Took a girl on a date on a dare.                            
When he showed his virility,                                
She displayed her agility--                                 
The result was a bang-up affair.                            
                                                            
60320 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             GO123                    



I think that it needs to be stated                          
That reality is overrated.                                  
I want nookie, I think,                                     
So he gave her a wink,                                      
And got right on with it, unabated                          
                                                            
60321 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a seductress named Sonja,                    
And he said, "I would like to clone ya!"                    
Our lass did resist                                         
But gave in with a kiss,                                    
When she was asked "Can I bone ya?"                         
                                                            
60322 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Scarlet Pimpernel   T9712



A strange man once offered me candy,                        
And I said, "Oh sure, that'd be dandy!"                     
I knew that his goal,                                       
Was really my hole,                                         
But that was OK, I was randy!                               
                                                            
60323 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Claureen Blytche         



There once was a man they called Skinner,                   
Who brought his date home to eat dinner.                    
And though it's not proper,                                 
He climbed up on top her,                                   
And put a hard dinner roll in her.                          
                                                            
60324 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Bob Birch                



On his date with a charming young bird,                     
His erotical feelings were stirred.                         
So with bold virile pluck,                                  
He inquired, "Do you fuck?"                                 
She said, "Yes, but don't use that word."                   
                                                            
60325 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Albin Chaplin 3024  G0016



A noble old duchess named Foster                            
Had barons and dukes on her roster.                         
But her best fuck, we're told,                              
Was the time she was rolled                                 
In a ditch, when a drunk did accost her.                    
                                                            
60326 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0152



A dusky young damsel of Djerber,                            
So torrid that nothing could curb her,                      
Lay down on the beach                                       
And said, "I beseech                                        
The service of Arab or Berber.                              
                                                            
60327 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Harold C Bibby           



There was a young man named O'Quinn                         
With an inordinate interest in skin.                        
His singular goal                                           
When he found a hole,                                       
Was to do what he could to get in.                          
                                                            
60328 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                      



My arms had advanced as desired.                            
Her resistance was visibly tired;                           
I conquered her senses,                                     
Destroyed her defenses,                                     
Then brought up my cannon and fired.                        
                                                            
60329 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Laurence Perrine    P8406



There's a nip in the air, love, tonight,                    
And that bulge in my crotch feels just right.               
You won't feel the cold                                     
If you grab a good hold,                                    
And we'll fuck till the dawn's early light.                 
                                                            
60330 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Prince Eaglehead    T9712



Just what was he trying to prove? He                        
Refused to hold hands in the movie,                         
But out in the lobby,                                       
As he whipped out his knob, he                              
Announced, "Babe, some snatch would be groovy!"             
                                                            
60331 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Robin K. Willoughby P8405



How about a nice three course meal?                         
The appetizer--a three-finger feel!                         
Then I'll marinate meat                                     
In pussy so sweet,                                          
And hair-pie for dessert, what a deal!                      
                                                            
60332 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Limberick                



"Do you believe in the hereafter?" asked John,              
On Lovers Lane parked with Sue Vaughn.                      
"If you are not here after                                  
What I am here after,                                       
You'll be here after I've gone."                            
                                                            
60333 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Clarence E. Boyle   P8807



There was a young fellow from Eno,                          
Who said to his girl, "Now, old Beano,                      
Lift you skirt up in front,                                 
And enlarge your cunt,                                      
For the size of this organ is keen-o!"                      
                                                            
60334 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 L1605



"What's the difference," I riddled Miss Punch,              
"Twixt sex, and a sandwich to munch?"                       
When she said, "I've no notion,"                            
I replied with emotion,                                     
"And what are you doing for lunch?"                         
                                                            
60335 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Ed Potts            P8508



There was a young lady of Dee,                              
Who went down to the river to pee.                          
A man in a punt,                                            
Put his hand on her cunt,                                   
And God! How I wish it was me.                              
(Published 1870)                                            
60336 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 L0023



A dirty old reprobate, Walker,                              
A lecherous, horny girl-stalker,                            
Said, "Mable, let's fuck."                                  
She replied, "You're in luck,                               
I swoon when I hear a smooth talker."                       
                                                            
60337 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Ed Potts            P8606



There was a gay dog from Ontario,                           
Who fancied himself a Lothario.                             
At a wench's glance,                                        
He'd snatch off his pants,                                  
And make for her Mons Venerio.                              
                                                            
60338 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 LOO75



Once a sexy conundrum composer                              
Asked a Sunday school teacher a poser:                      
"Did Nero or Pharaoh                                        
Have a narrow bone-arrow?"                                  
After class she allowed him to hose her.                    
                                                            
60339 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 G2300



A randy young Scot named McTound                            
Said he'd shag anything for a pound.                        
But a buxom young wench,                                    
Gave his dick such a wrench,                                
A new outlook on life he has found.                         
                                                            
60340 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Shorty                   



The question was at the fore;                               
She said: "The bedroom has no door?"                        
"If someone is here                                         
When bedtime is near,                                       
They'd better be staying for more."                         
                                                            
60341 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Mollyanna           P0010



Returning home late, old Miss Knight,                       
Would shiver and shake with great fright.                   
Not from fear that some man                                 
Would attack as she ran,                                    
But from fear that perhaps no man might.                    
                                                            
60342 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Albin Chaplin   3024-1357



Please tell me that I'm not responsible                     
For perving this girl, sweet and schvantzable.              
Her lips on my glans,                                       
I farted her hands.                                         
Now used to it, she's nonchalanceable.                      
                                                            
60343 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                      



Said a much-seduced Lucy of Wooster                         
To the badly stewed dude who'd seduced her,                 
"Though sex is delightful,                                  
Your technique is frightful;                                
Guys just don't seduce like they uster!"                    
                                                            
60344 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Grand Prix Lim  058      



There was an old spinster named Frances,                    
Who hoped for improper advances.                            
So she went to the pier                                     
Without pants or brassiere --                               
There was no need to take any chances.                      
                                                            
60345 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Albin Chaplin   3024-1342



I had me a wench in East Broint                             
Who bade me her skin to annoint.                            
The girl had arthritis                                      
And so I decided                                            
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.                     
                                                            
60346 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Scott Hendricks          



There once was a young man named Buck,                      
Whose luck with the women did suck.                         
He brought out the SPAM                                     
And then opened a can;                                      
Now all the young stud does is fuck.                        
                                                            
60347 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Chris Kubitz             



With whispers, folks say Cyberwizard,                       
Is out running full-nude in a blizzard!                     
With his dong painted green;                                
He is chasing some teen,                                    
Yelling, "Fear not, it is only a lizard!"                   
                                                            
60348 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Cyberwizard              



That rumor is downright obscene!                            
I don't have to paint the thing green.                      
With its lizardly slither,                                  
It whispers, "Come hither."                                 
Chicks do it.  It needn't be seen.                          
                                                            
60349 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Cyberwizard              



It's not only after the young,                              
And never will enter a bung.                                
It'll only, by God,                                         
Enter into a bod                                            
Washed out by my wizardly tongue.                           
                                                            
60350 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Cyberwizard              



It, however, acts a bit mean,                               
'Cause it's always the last on the scene.                   
It never comes out                                          
'Til it hears the shout                                     
And moans and groans of an ate teen.                        
                                                            
60351 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             CyberWizard              



Or one ate a little bit older.                              
But sometimes the Wizard must hold her.                     
It's rather unseemly                                        
But some gals get screamly                                  
When they see its eyes, how they smolder.                   
                                                            
60352 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Cyberwizard              



There once was an Irish young lass.                         
Drank alone in a pub, alas!                                 
But enter young Finnigan,                                   
Swore he'd make her grin again,                             
And they left with a pat on her ass.                        
                                                            
60353 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Lady Pooka          T9710



Now here is a real hard brain teaser:                       
A guy meets a girl - wants to please her.                   
Should he take her to dinner                                
In order to win her,                                        
Or pounce, like a randy old geezer?                         
                                                            
60354 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             ROE                      



A young lady sat on a cay,                                  
Just as proper as proper could be.                          
A young fellow goosed her,                                  
And roughly seduced her,                                    
So she thanked him, and went home to tea.                   
                                                            
60355 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 L0085



And then at the station we'll meet.                         
I'll offer a rose or a sweet.                               
The things I will feel                                      
Will cause you to squeal                                    
In the cab; you'll squirm in your seat.                     
                                                            
60356 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Jim Weaver Collection    



To a young man who threatened abduction,                    
The lady imparted instruction.                              
"If you're crude, you dumb ape,                             
I will charge you with rape;                                
If you're clever, I'll call it seduction."                  
                                                            
60357 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0027



A long-peckered midget named Red,                           
Said, "I'm a hot cock on a bed!                             
Though sawed-off for height,                                
My pecker's a sight--                                       
So get on the bed, kid, and spread."                        
                                                            
60358 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 G0435



There once was a husky young Viking,                        
Whose sexual prowess was striking.                          
Every time he got hot,                                      
He would scour the twat                                     
Of some girl that might be to his liking.                   
                                                            
60359 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 L0118



So ginger-haired lads make you cringe?                      
Well, I bet when you've seen my syringe,                    
You'll be panting with lust                                 
And just aching to thrust                                   
It as deep as you can, up your minge.                       
                                                            
60360 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Peter Wilkins            



The approach of a cocksman named Ferd                       
Is as crass a technique as we've heard.                     
He flips girls the finger,                                  
And some of them linger.                                    
To the point where he'll slip them the bird.                
                                                            
60361 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                      



A suitor who presses his suit,                              
Uncultured, unkempt and a brute,                            
Will have to try harder                                     
To show off his ardor                                       
Or look like a sloppy galoot.                               
                                                            
60362 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             R. J. Winkler       P8405



To a shy little miss from Kentucky,                         
A man said, "Say, kid, this is lucky!                       
Do you think that we could?--"                              
"If I just understood--"                                    
"Spread your thighs double-quick!  I feel fucky!"           
                                                            
60363 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 G1569



Said Edna St. Vincent Millay                                
As she lay in the hay all asplay,                           
"If you can make wine                                       
From these grapes I opine,                                  
We'll stay in the hay until May.                            
                                                            
60364 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE                                 G0130



She learned how to dance and entrance,                      
And dreamed of a chance for romance.                        
But she found that with Teddy                               
And Eddy And Freddy,                                        
It begins when they take off their pants.                   
                                                            
60365 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Lance Payne         P8405



There was an old woman named Mary                           
Who had a young daughter named Cherry.                      
One night when she's sleepin',                              
An intruder creeped in,                                     
And stole away old Mary's Cherry!                           
                                                            
60366 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Margo               T9707



Said the leatherman to his admirer,                         
"Come here, you little perspirer!                           
I just love to screw                                        
Nervous weasels like you,                                   
With my strapped and studded defiler!"                      
                                                            
60367 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             John Chastaine      T9710



There once was a girl of Siam,                              
Who said to her lover, Kiam,                                
"If you take me, of course,                                 
You will have to use force,                                 
But God knows you're stronger than I am."                   
                                                            
60368 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Anon                     



In place of a nail on each finger,                          
Aunt Abigail bore a sharp stinger;                          
Her venom, though weak,                                     
Enthralled for a week                                       
An unwary Australian folk singer.                           
                                                            
60369 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Paul M Hoffman           



If you want to find a real man,                             
I offer to you my fine plan.                                
Try my pillar of passion,                                   
It'll sure suit your fashion,                               
And beats hell out of using your hand!                      
                                                            
60370 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Limberick                



"Say you love me," a young lady cooed                       
To her boyfriend who'd stripped to the nude.                
He replied very callously,                                  
"Love's a mere phallusy:                                    
With such naive hopes, you'll get screwed."                 
                                                            
60371 SEDUCTIONS - CRUDE             Ellen M. Alaka      P9306



In his heart, a card-sharper named Boyle                    
Had presumed a young girl to despoil.                       
His deception was quelled                                   
Till a diamond she held,                                    
Then she had him "according to Hoyle."                      
                                                            
60372 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Albin Chaplin 3024  P9005



Now I feel just rejected and sad,                           
In no mood for spring, not a tad.                           
And for weeks upon end,                                     
With passion unspend,                                       
I remain all alone though unclad.                           
                                                            
60373 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Petunia                  



To oblige her I whipped out my dick                         
(For I wanted to finish this quick).                        
But alas (what a bumm-                                      
Er) I just couldn't come,                                   
Though I tried every book in the trick. (???)               
                                                            
60374 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



Joe was tryiung real hard with Jane Bunce,                  
Said, "I'd like in your pants just this once!"              
She said, "You're a dear                                    
But get your hand from my rear                              
Or we'll break all Ten Commandments at once!"               
                                                            
60375 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Charles E. Boyle    P8908



A bosomy girl of Knob Noster                 (MO)           
Found a line of hot men did accost her;                     
As each one cajoled,                                        
She put him on hold,                                        
And built up a sizable roster.                              
                                                            
60376 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Allan Ottley        P8805



My love unrequited with Sue.                                
She bolts when my nuts want to screw.                       
To nail her I've had                                        
My name changed to Brad.                                    
Should I spike her coffee cup too?                          
                                                            
60377 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Irving Superior     P9307



He said, "Though we've just met, Mary Lou,                  
I am eager to make love to you."                            
She said, "That would be fine!                              
"Your apartment or mine?"                                   
"Oh forget it," he said. "Lets not argue."                  
                                                            
60378 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            William N. Nesbit   P9711



A bunch of us boys up from Yale                             
Were fondling some farm-daughter's tail,                    
But her dad swore he'd neuter us                            
If we breached her uterus,                                  
And see that we landed in jail.                             
                                                            
60379 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Armand E Singer       571



Once I heard a young Valentine sing,                        
"I adore the red roses you bring,                           
And your sweet serenade...                                  
But for kisses to trade,                                    
You must first buy a diamond ring!"                         
                                                            
60380 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Prof M-G           TP9802



Said Chloe to Reuben, "You're mad                           
To think that I can be had.                                 
So get lost, you creep,                                     
And you can go leap                                         
In the nearest spring fully clad."                          
                                                            
60381 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Woontner                 



They used to say "He's in like Flynn,"                      
When a guy led a gal into sin.                              
But this lad had no luck,                                   
When the prize he would pluck,                              
Belonged to a chaste girl named Gwyn.                       
                                                            
60382 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jim Weaver Collection    



A young college girl drunk with beer,                       
Met a guy with a cock like a steer.                         
She wined him, and dined him,                               
And then sixty-nined him,                                   
That's when she found out he was queer!                     
                                                            
60383 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



When younger, I thought of a plan:                          
Get some wheels and then date Suzie Ann.                    
Her drawers she did drop                                    
On the ground with a plop.                                  
But she ran, yelling loudly, "Try Bann!"                    
                                                            
60384 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Ken                      



It began with an offer of candy,                            
Which Sue thought was quite dandy,                          
Until she found that the stick                              
Was really Tom's dick,                                      
And his hands were a little too handy.                      
                                                            
60385 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Clem I Am                



A fleet-footed maiden named Treadwell                       
Was able to say out of bed well.                            
When asked to "couchez                                      
Avec moi", she said, "Nay,"                                 
And started to run, and she fled well.                      
                                                            
60386 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            William K. Alsop    P8910



At the singles bar, big swinger Clyde                       
Suavely asked a young thing he espied,                      
"Hey there, sweetie, are you                                
Looking for Mr. Goodscrew?"                                 
"No. How long's he been lost?" she replied.                 
                                                            
60387 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Michael Weinstein   P9612



Your Valentine message I scan                               
With a smile at your bawdacious plan.                       
Oh, I'm tempted to pose                                     
As you said, without clothes,                               
But you are a married man!                                  
                                                            
60388 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Poor Jim            P8304



Said an Eskimo missie named Big Loo,                        
"Little man, won't you come to my igloo?"                   
The little man ran                                          
All the way to Japan,                                       
At the bare thought of having to dig Loo.                   
                                                            
60389 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Conrad Aiken             



How to handle a man in Quebec,                              
Was revealed by old spinster Lautrec.                       
"The use of my knack                                        
Will not thwart an attack,                                  
But my method will hold it in check."                       
                                                            
60390 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Albin Chaplin   3024-1381



I'm off for a trip in the snow.                             
I'll be gone for some time, don't you know.                 
Goodbye to the town                                         
Where my girl let me down,                                  
And to you, organ grinder, Hello!                           
                                                            
60391 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jim Weaver Collection    



A man took a woman from Cruppance                           
To a restaurant for elegant suppence.                       
They danced and drank wine;                                 
Had a wonderful time;                                       
After which he received his come-uppance.                   
                                                            
60392 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Mike                     



A lass named Teresa I'd wed;                                
In her room one dark evening I said:                        
"Please, lovely Miss,                                       
Could you give me a kiss?"                                  
But she broke an oak chair on my head.                      
                                                            
60393 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Robert                   



A girl whose friend want to take her                        
On a holiday trip to Jamaica                                
Said, "I don't want a trip so                               
You can dance the calypso."                                 
He sighed, "Well, that's that, I can't make her."           
                                                            
60394 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Funfax Limericks         



There was a young fellow from Spain,                        
Who only knew how to cause pain.                            
He spoke to his Ex                                          
In the hope to have sex,                                    
But his lying was all done in vain.                         
                                                            
60395 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Marlene McCarty          



He expresses whatever he thinks                             
In a language of leers and of winks.                        
But I know what he's thinking                               
With all of that winking,                                   
And I can assure you it stinks!                             
                                                            
60396 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Laurence Perrine    P8802



To thwart a young robber, Miss Fry                          
Exposed her bare breast to the guy.                         
But her ploy was in vain                                    
For the poor girl was slain                                 
By the buttons that burst from his fly.                     
                                                            
60397 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2077



There once was this Mucker named Billy                      
Who thought high society silly.                             
He met with a skirt                                         
Who thought he was dirt.                                    
Their romance was sure to be hilly.                         
                                                            
60398 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Anon                     



She was caught by a samurai dude,                           
Whose advances were really quite lewd.                      
It's a fate worse than death                                
But he breathed his last breath.                            
She stabbed him.  She was not in the mood.                  
                                                            
60399 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Anon                     



Even so, she was trapped in his palace;                     
Other soldiers attacking with malice.                       
The Mucker showed up                                        
And bodies piled up.                                        
About death, he was really quite callous.                   
                                                            
60400 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Anon                     



Then off to safe refuge they went,                          
Where she taught him to speak like a gent.                  
It's not "dis" and "dat";                                   
It is "this" and "that"                                     
A great skirt -- er, great woman I meant.                   
                                                            
60401 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Anon                     



You called from the phone in your car.                      
We agreed to meet in a bar.                                 
You lion cheetah,                                           
You said you were Peetah,                                   
And told me you drove a Jaguar.                             
                                                            
60402 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Ericka                   



There was an old man from Gloucester,                       
Who would take a girl home and accost her.                  
The number to date,                                         
Has gone up to eight,                                       
But out in the garden, he lost her.                         
                                                            
60403 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            VOL 10                   



There once was a brave knight named Tate,                   
Who was galloping to screw Lady Kate.                       
But his hopes were dashed,                                  
Into the moat he splashed!                                  
'Cause Kate lowered the drawbridge too late!                
                                                            
60404 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Laurence Craft           



A young lady named Mabel Waist                              
Kept herself constantly chaste.                             
For when boys wanted fun,                                   
They'd leave on the run,                                    
Not from fear but a face finely Maced.                      
                                                            
60405 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Fredric Cohen       P8305



Oh what a lovely surprise,                                  
Catching the sight of the eyes                              
Of every young rake,                                        
Who puts on the make,                                       
Which he thinks he has cleverly disguised.                  
                                                            
60406 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Arden                    



"Maybe next time," she said with a smile,                   
Walking swiftly away. His profile                           
Was deflated and grim,                                      
'Cause she rebuked him                                      
Once again, with a grin and some guile.                     
                                                            
60407 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Ystap              TP9802



We've had an enjoyable flirt,                               
But I still haven't lifted her skirt.                       
And hard as I try                                           
To give her the eye,                                        
She will not believe it won't hurt.                         
                                                            
60408 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



A shoddy old butcher named Schust                           
Insisted his meat was a must.                               
But a maid did complain                                     
And she clobbered his brain,                                
Which was meet and most certainly just.                     
                                                            
60409 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2784



Said an aspiring actress from Knox,                         
"Take your hand from under my frocks!"                      
She admonished Hector,                                      
The movie director                                          
Of 20th Century Fox!                                        
                                                            
60410 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            FCA                 T9711



There once was a blonde girl named Ann;                     
Though her goal was attracting a man,                       
She wore make-up too thick,                                 
Her perfume made men sick,                                  
And when she approached them, they ran!                     
                                                            
60411 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Vassar Smith        P9712



"Well, thanks for that supper, dear Joe."                   
"But wait; I've dessert for you, Flo;                       
I've dick that is spotted                                   
And cream which is clotted..."                              
"I know, Joe. No thanks; I must go."                        
                                                            
60412 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



He thought that a hole in the ice                           
Would be on the whole, rather nice.                         
But inside the igloo,                                       
She hadn't a clue,                                          
Was frigid and muttered "No dice!"                          
                                                            
60413 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Prof                     



Last Saturday night I went dancing                          
With Debbie who wanted romancing;                           
A candle-lit dinner                                         
Dance, surely a winner?                                     
Alas she said "No" to a lancing.                            
                                                            
60414 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Peter Wilkins            



Last night I went fishing for men                           
Cast out my lures once, then again.                         
No one took the bait;                                       
Oh, damnit, I hate                                          
Not catching 'em when I've a yen.                           
                                                            
60415 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



There once was a maiden so fair,                            
The men would all wish she would bare.                      
She offered a plan                                          
To an available man,                                        
But he wouldn't or won't pay the fare!                      
                                                            
60416 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Charlotte                



She stood there and peeled off her clothes,                 
And begged for a bang.  Goodness knows                      
I am surely impure                                          
And I sizzled to screw 'er,                                 
But the push has gone out of my hose.                       
                                                            
60417 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                G0039



If he says it would be just devine                          
With his pantyhose hung next to mine;                       
I would try to be nice,                                     
But I'd tell him, "No dice,                                 
I'm afraid I shall have to decline."                        
                                                            
60418 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Ann Gasser          P9111



That sweet little girl Desire,                              
Would not let that Monk have his way.                       
So bitter with pique                                        
To this group he did squeak,                                
That he'd not let him roll in the hay.                      
                                                            
60419 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jim Weaver Collection    



I was asked by that lecher named Spicer,                    
"Is there anything, really, that's nicer                    
Than a neat bit of crumpet                                  
With an amiable strumpet                                    
Who doesn't expect you to splice her ?"                     
                                                            
60420 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                G1869



The grocer asked girls without number                       
To wed, or to join him in slumber.                          
Each one was a meanie;                                      
They scorned his zuccini,                                   
Preferring an English cucumber.                             
                                                            
60421 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            John Maywood        P9710



Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,                   
Was to do what man normally does,                           
She declared, "I'm a soul,                                  
Not a sexual goal!"                                         
So he shrugged and called someone who was.                  
                                                            
60422 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jack Labow          G0031



He invites you to come watch TV;                            
In his house there's no TV to see.                          
He says "You are the show!"                                 
So you turn and go.                                         
You're not the tramp he thought you'd be.                   
                                                            
60423 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Gaila Rae          TP9807



Thanks for the invite, Ms. Flower,                          
But I must go to work in an hour.                           
If I had some more time                                     
I'd give pleasure sublime,                                  
As I screwed you all night in the shower.                   
                                                            
60424 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



A most irresponsible lecher                                 
Fell for a virgin named Fletcher.                           
Try as he would                                             
He never could                                              
Get close enough just to catch her.                         
                                                            
60425 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jim Weaver Collection    



I think John may have had one too many;                     
He went out and spent a pretty penny,                       
On flowers and candy,                                       
But he's still feeling randy,                               
Because he's just not getting any.                          
                                                            
60426 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Cheryl                   



My girl says I'm terribly crude                             
To assume that because she's wooed,                         
She'll quiver with glee                                     
And instantly be                                            
In the mood to be screwed in the nude.                      
                                                            
60427 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Norm Storer         P9205



She wanted hot passion from him?                            
My god, but the woman was dim!                              
It's true, I surmise,                                       
With lounge lizard guys,                                    
Her chances of success were slim.                           
                                                            
60428 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



The wife her dear man does harass                           
By saying, when times comes for ass,                        
"You did not cut the lawn."                                 
But she never says "John,                                   
Let us fuck!" when it's time to mow grass.                  
                                                            
60429 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2099



There was an executive named Floyd                          
Who really became annoyed.                                  
His secretary of billing                                    
Was always unwilling;                                       
Floyd now finds himself unemployed.                         
                                                            
60430 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



There was a young man from Troy                             
Who went out with a lady of joy.                            
But he came back nonplussed,                                
Not to say somewhat fussed,                                 
For he wasn't that kind of a boy!                           
                                                            
60431 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                G1622



Said a callgirl, joking to Roy,                             
'D'you fancy some sexual joy?"                              
With handbag on arm,                                        
He cried in alarm                                           
"No! I'm not that sort of boy!"                             
                                                            
60432 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Paul Westwood       P9607



That miserable bitch from Corinne                           
Kicked Bill Thomas right on the shin.                       
Chased him through the halls,                               
And stomped on his balls --                                 
All because he asked to come in.                            
                                                            
60433 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



When a handsome young dandy named Andy                      
Failed to seduce a young lady with candy,                   
He said, "I know liquor                                     
Would work so much quicker,                                 
But candy was all I had handy."                             
                                                            
60434 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Ray Gessler              



The fun thing about our Miss Joyn-                          
Er is trying new ways to purloin                            
Her sweet heart with romance,                               
But I don't stand a chance,                                 
If her pants I can't shed from her groin.                   
                                                            
60435 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



He leered as he slowly descended;                           
His member engorged and distended.                          
But Sue said "Surprise!"                                    
As she opened her eyes,                                     
"My coma was only pretended!"                               
                                                            
60436 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            John MIller              



You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!                       
Had a young maid, but then tried to squeeze 'er             
Into your bed,                                              
To give you some head.                                      
When denied you called her a prick teaser!                  
                                                            
60437 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from St. Andrews                      
Who invited a man for a sea cruise.                         
On the firth of the Forth,                                  
With Fife on their North,                                   
She showed him her feminine virtues.                        
                                                            
60438 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Torben Mogensen          



I was sitting there, taking my ease,                        
And enjoying my Beaumes-de-Venise,                          
With a charming young poppet,                               
But she told me to stop it,                                 
As my fingers crept up past her knees.                      
                                                            
60439 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Cyril Ray                



A sensitive lady from Worcester                             
At a ball met a fellow who goosed her.                      
A lecherous guy                                             
With blood in his eye.                                      
So she ducked out before he seduced her.                    
                                                            
60440 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            W S Baring-Gold          



A young man, observed in the spring,                        
Will have thought of a very fine fling.                     
It will be his true love                                    
That he does think of,                                      
Until he is asked for a ring.                               
                                                            
60441 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            D Graham                 



The Ex-Californian surfer dude                              
Was left by the beautiful prude;                            
Since he wanted to score,                                   
She showed him the door,                                    
And I hope I am not being rude.                             
                                                            
60442 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



Don Juan muttered, "Luscious Marie                          
Was ripe for seduction by me.                               
I employed Spanish Fly,                                     
But her virtuous cry                                        
Made me switch to abrupt Spanish flee!"                     
                                                            
60443 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



Tony and Butch both know Heidi                              
Would screw no one, but the Almighty.                       
But both of the them thought                                
That they had a shot                                        
At touching the spot she keeps tidy.                        
                                                            
60444 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jim Weaver Collection    



Good heavens, it's far, far too hot                         
To seduce sexy blokes by the lot!                           
When seduced, they want touch                               
And that's simply too much;                                 
I need cool and not heat for my slot...                     
                                                            
60445 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



Said the leatherman to his admirer,                         
"You're diminishing all my desire.                          
The drool is OK,                                            
But the hair's in the way,                                  
And I'm turned right off by a perspirer."                   
                                                            
60446 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Shakes Younger Bro  T9711



While swimming across the Zambezi,                          
I noticed a girl really sleazy.                             
She said,"Master the river!                                 
I'll give you my quiver!"                                   
Just the thought of it made me real queasy.                 
                                                            
60447 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED                                     



The calculus prof ogled Sue                                 
And had hopes to knock off a quick screw;                   
She passed him a note --                                    
Here's what she wrote:                                      
U/IMYY2B. (I am too wise to be under you.)                  
                                                            
60448 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Robin K. Willoughby P8506



Valentine's Day has now come and gone;                      
It left us good old horny John.                             
He's been on a hunt                                         
For a tight little cunt                                     
To take care of his raging hard-on.                         
                                                            
60449 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Jen                      



A keen poultry farmer named Hexingham                       
Just adored hatching chickens and sexing 'em.               
When his bride-to-be said,                                  
"Why not sex me instead?"                                   
She only succeeded in vexing him.                           
                                                            
60450 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



A somewhat deaf man of New York                             
While dining on roast loin of pork,                         
Received such belaboring                                    
From the girl who sat neighboring.                          
She had simply requested a fork.                            
                                                            
60451 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Isaac Asimov             



Said a stupid young girl of Schenectady                     
Of her boyfriend, "I never expect Eddy                      
Would suggest we recline                                    
After dinner and wine,                                      
And I still wonder why in the heck did he."                 
                                                            
60452 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED            Keith MacMillan     A088B



There was a young fellow from Diss,                         
Who asked his friend's wife for a kiss.                     
Said the young lady, "This is                               
All wrong for a Mrs.                                        
When a Mrs. no longer a Miss.                               
                                                            
60453 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



Her husband was forced to assist her,                       
In restraining the lecherous Mr.                            
Said he, "Please desist,                                    
She dislikes being kissed,                                  
You'll have to make do with her sister."                    
                                                            
60454 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



I fish for men's bodies, not souls.                         
God and I have quite different goals.                       
Please, honey won't worry,                                  
I am in no hurry                                            
To follow such straight protocols.                          
                                                            
60455 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



If they won't take bait that I'm using,                     
Those guys would not be of my choosing.                     
If they want more                                           
Or think I'm a whore,                                       
They just don't know what they are losing.                  
                                                            
60456 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



With Dawn, my first love, I would try                       
To be cool though my body was fry-                          
ing with lust for her bits;                                 
Got as far as her tits,                                     
But she said, "Keep your hands off my thigh."               
                                                            
60457 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



She left me weeks later for Ken                             
And I cried every morning 'til ten;                         
As I fondled my horn                                        
I felt sad and forlorn,                                     
Couldn't get up at the crack of Dawn then.                  
                                                            
60458 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



Another day out on the Seine,                               
My urges once more were made plain.                         
She said, "I'm no whore,                                    
But you're just a bore."                                    
And she jumped in the water again.                          
                                                            
60459 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



I tried it anew on the Dnieper,                             
Whose waters I thought might be deeper.                     
The result of my pass,                                      
Was a glimpse of her ass,                                   
And she proved she was still a great leaper.                
                                                            
60460 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



The Hudson was where I last tried,                          
Where sewage floats out with the tide.                      
She said, "This is it,                                      
I won't swim in shit,                                       
At last, I must let you inside."                            
                                                            
60461 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Just then from the bank someone waved,                      
A coarsefellow, really depraved.                            
His shouts, without tact,                                   
Deflated my act,                                            
So thus was she finally saved.                              
                                                            
60462 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Our office temp, she caught my eyes                         
By showing off cleavage and thighs.                         
But when I broke the ice,                                   
And said, "That dress is nice,"                             
She glared, "You're just like all other guys!"              
                                                            
60463 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



No longer can gals be too certain,                          
If the boss is harassin' or flirtin'.                       
So to cut off his pass,                                     
She should cover harass,                                    
If around that subject he's skirtin'.                       
                                                            
60464 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



Oh come to the garden, dear Maude;                          
For long years your face I've adored.                       
Out there 'midst the tulips,                                
I'll slip 'twixt your two lips,                             
My enormously throbbing pork sword.                         
                                                            
60465 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Oh Maudie, come into the garden,                            
That fingertip gives me a hardon.                           
And then there's your cleavage,                             
That bosomly heavage!                                       
'Cause Honey, you're built like Doll Parton!                
                                                            
60466 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Sir Jasper!  Such crude affectation                         
Concerning my globes of lactation.                          
You, sir, are a brute; e-                                   
Ven so, 'tis my duty                                        
To sooth in some way your reaction.                         
                                                            
60467 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Does that mean, dear Maude, you are willing                 
To come out and get you a filling?                          
As stated Confucious,                                       
For mating on fuschias,                                     
I'd hand over more than a shilling.                         
                                                            
60468 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



Now he's off with Beryl, the hideous;                       
I'll go get that fellow that's Lydia's                      
Been trying to screw                                        
For an hour or two;                                         
That handsome stud Oggius Tiddius.                          
                                                            
60469 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



He said: "I'm your gay caballero!"                          
When he courted his sweet lady fair-o.                      
She said: "Sod off, Queer,                                  
Don't want you round here."                                 
And she flounced off with never a care-o.                   
                                                            
60470 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



I put it all down to semantics;                             
Why the poor lad missed out on romantics.                   
If he'd said "bold" not "gay",                              
He'd have had it away,                                      
She'd have welcomed his phallus gigantix.                   
                                                            
60471 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



So the moral of this cautionary                             
Tale is that if you wish to tarry,                          
Around a young maid,                                        
And perhaps get her laid,                                   
Invest in a new dictionary.                                 
                                                            
60472 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES                            



Sweet words and dry wit are conducive,                      
When ever you're feeling seducive.                          
They don't work with Jenny,                                 
She's not having any,                                       
In face she soon turns quite abusive.                       
                                                            
60473 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Tiddy Ogg                



"You won't win my bod with dry wine,"                       
Warned Jen, "Nor with sweet words so fine;                  
But you will seduce me,                                     
And surely unloose me                                       
With cash passed from your hand to mine!"                   
                                                            
60474 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Travis Brasell           



At the end of our date, I said "Lets..."                    
But she said, "Don't take any bets."                        
What's a poor lad to do                                     
When she says, "Bugger You!                                 
This is as good as it gets?"                                
                                                            
60475 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Birko                    



I never would say "Bugger you."                             
To a sensitive soul. (It's true!)                           
But don't count your chickens                               
You little dickens!                                         
Let's just NOT our a date debut.                            
                                                            
60476 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Marlene                  



I'm sorry you cried your way home,                          
Rejected by your honeycomb.                                 
I'm not Deaar Abby,                                         
I'm just a crabby                                           
Writer of an anti-man poem.                                 
                                                            
60477 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Marlene                  



Don't ask me if you're sensitig,                            
Although I won't call you a pig,                            
I use another name                                          
If a man I would maim;                                      
I'd say he's a dirty earwig!                                
                                                            
60478 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Marlene                  



I was horny as hell in my youth,                            
When I first met my lady friend Ruth.                       
I would ram with my stalk,                                  
Without waiting to talk.                                    
My seduction technique was uncouth.                         
                                                            
60479 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   PeterW                   



She said to me, "Please take your time.                     
If you finger me first, then I'll climb                     
To the heights of orgasm                                    
With more than one spasm.                                   
Be gentle. It isn't a crime."                               
                                                            
60480 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   PeterW                   



Taking notice of what she had said,                         
I invited her back to my bed.                               
Where, with no more dissention,                             
I turned my attention                                       
To stroking her pussy instead.                              
                                                            
60481 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   PeterW                   



When I asked, "Am I doing it right?"                        
She replied, "Yes, it's such a delight                      
To be fingered like this.                                   
It's the ultimate bliss.                                    
Will you do it the rest of the night?"                      
                                                            
60482 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   PeterW                   



I fondled her pussy some more,                              
But frustrated, I said, "I implore                          
You, dear Ruth, let me fuck."                               
But she said, "No such luck.                                
Your caresses have left me too sore."                       
                                                            
60483 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   PeterW                   



By now, I was stiff as a bone                               
And I fell to my knees with a groan.                        
When I said, "It's unfair."                                 
She replied, "I don't care."                                
And she left me to toss off alone.                          
                                                            
60484 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   PeterW                   



Her actions were cruel and unkind                           
And I fear they affected my mind;                           
For my doctor has said                                      
That my pleasures, instead,                                 
Will undoubtedly make me go blind.                          
                                                            
60485 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   PeterW                   



I'll save your eyes!" a voice said.                         
"I have a plan to spearhead;                                
A blow for the good                                         
Of your peterhood.                                          
It's me Petal, over here in your bed!"                      
                                                            
60486 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Ericka                   



"Close the shade, I feel so insecure."                      
When she said this, I felt she was pure.                    
"What happens next?"                                        
She said as pretext,                                        
But I think that she felt cocksure.                         
                                                            
60487 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



As soon as she gave her consent,                            
I felt more and more confident.                             
John Thomas expanded,                                       
But I'll be quite candid                                    
And at the wrong moment, it bent.                           
                                                            
60488 SEDUCTIONS - DENIED - SERIES   Jim Weaver Collection    



Undressing a maiden called Sue,                             
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true                        
That a nipple a day                                         
Keeps the doctor away,                                      
Think how healthy you must be with two."                    
                                                            
60489 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Brian Algar              



There was a fierce soldier from Parmer,                     
Who lovingly fondled his charmer.                           
Said the maiden, demure,                                    
"It's delightful, I'm sure,                                 
But it's better without all that armor."                    
                                                            
60490 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Wheeling,                         
Said to her beau, "I've a feeling                           
My little brown jug                                         
Has need of a plug",                                        
And straightway she started to peeling.                     
                                                            
60491 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE                                  L0120



There was a young lady called Tessa,                        
A quite unrepentant transgressor.                           
When sent to the priest,                                    
The lewd little beast,                                      
Began to undress her confessor.                             
                                                            
60492 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE                                       



My Sweet P, I cannot sit still.                             
I'm squirming around, and the frill                         
On my edible panty                                          
Is melting andante.                                         
Won't you please come and give me a thrill?                 
                                                            
60493 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Jim Weaver Collection    



In Grimethorpe one day, me and Pete                         
Were looking for somewhere to eat.                          
It was now late at night,                                   
But we saw a dim light                                      
From a restaurant down a side street.                       
                                                            
60494 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Tiddy Ogg                



We ordered and passed time away,                            
By discussing the events of the day,                        
'Til a buxom waitress                                       
In a low-cut short dress                                    
Brought along our entrees on a tray.                        
                                                            
60495 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Tiddy Ogg                



I think then that Pete must have goosed                     
Or otherwise sexually abused                                
The girl, 'cause she fell                                   
With a sharp piercing yell...                               
And her bra snapped and she was unloosed.                   
                                                            
60496 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Tiddy Ogg                



And now she had cause for her yellin'                       
For into my soup dropped her melon!                         
But I was quite keen                                        
And licked it quite clean,                                  
That titty which had my soup fell in.                       
                                                            
60497 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Tiddy Ogg                



We were then to a back room escorted,                       
And stripping, she gaily cavorted.                          
And when all's done and said,                               
We were all in one bed,                                     
Where happily we three now sported                          
                                                            
60498 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Tiddy Ogg                



At the end of it; she shook my hand;                        
And said to us: "Ee, that were grand.                       
I've not had such fun                                       
Since 1961,                                                 
When I had all the Grimethorpe brass band."                 
                                                            
60499 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Tiddy Ogg                



Wilhemina from old Willamantic                              
Had a date with a guy from Niantic.                         
Said he, "Let's repose                                      
Without any clothes."                                       
She said, "My God! How romantic!"                           
                                                            
60500 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Prusch                   



There was a young fellow named Hodge,                       
Who lured girls to his dear-hunting lodge.                  
Once they were there,                                       
He made them hunt bare.                                     
Serves them right, it's a corny old dodge.                  
                                                            
60501 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              John Ciardi              



There once was a maid named Suzie,                          
Who was fondled on Christopher's knee.                      
Said the maid to the lad,                                   
"I think I've been had.                                     
Saying please! Do more to me."                              
                                                            
60502 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Skumbunny                



Said Christopher to the young lass,                         
Let's have a quick peek at your ass."                       
She spun right around                                       
And dropped her pants down                                  
And said, "Let us become en masse!"                         
                                                            
60503 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Skumbunny                



Chris wondered why his sweet Susie                          
Spent so much time in the Jacuzzi --                        
She said with a laugh,                                      
"I'm just taking a bath,                                    
But this bath really makes me feel oozy!"                   
                                                            
60504 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Kaylin                   



Chris had never been in a Jacuzzi,                          
So he hopped right in there with Suzie.                     
He snuggled akin                                            
To her silky smooth skin,                                   
And soon oozy Susie became woozy.                           
                                                            
60505 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Kaylin                   



All night long Chris and Suzie                              
Played games in her Jacuzzi.                                
It was so fun with Chris,                                   
She tried four friends of his --                            
That Suzie was really a floozy.                             
                                                            
60506 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Kaylin                   



It's true what they say about Suzie;                        
She never was very choosy.                                  
If there is not a man,                                      
It won't spoil her plan;                                    
She's got a dildo. A doozie!                                
                                                            
60507 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Kaylin                   



When using it, Suzie was zealous,                           
And that make poor Christopher jealous.                     
He said, "I wouldn't mind it,                               
If you didn't find it                                       
Much better than all of us fellas.                          
                                                            
60508 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Kaylin                   



Now Chris soon became very pissed,                          
And said, "Stop that now! I insist!"                        
Suzie said with a moan,                                     
"Just leave me alone --                                     
This was way too much fun to resist!"                       
                                                            
60509 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Kaylin                   



We slept like two spoons in a drawer,                       
Then I wiggled my aft to your fore.                         
You snapped to attention.                                   
(Did I happen to mention                                    
I'm not really tired anymore?)                              
                                                            
60510 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Ericka                   



There was a young lady named Rand                           
Who said to her man, "I demand                              
That you take your hand off,                                
For my clothes I must doff,                                 
As the matter is now out of hand."                          
                                                            
60511 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Albin Chaplin   3024-0310



The girl that was pledged to young Pursall                  
Proposed how to forestall reversal.                         
To avert any woes                                           
They removed all their clothes,                             
And they went through a full dress rehearsal.               
                                                            
60512 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              Albin Chaplin   3024-0304



Three lassies swam nude in a loch                           
When a laddie then hailed from a rock.                      
They cried, "Oh what luck!                                  
We're in for a fuck!                                        
So glad we have trolled for Scots cock!"                    
                                                            
60513 SEDUCTIONS - NUDE              TuttaGioia               



He seduced her (it didn't take long)                        
By reading her Solomon's song;                              
At "My hands dripped with myrrh,"                           
His hands dripped with her.                                 
Subsequently, he dipped in his dong.                        
                                                            
60514 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Robin K. Willoughby P8707



How excited was lovely young Ann                            
About her date with a real Plastic Man.                     
He'd wine her and dine her                                  
And probably mine her,                                      
If it all went according to plan.                           
                                                            
60515 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Neal Wilgus         P8208



A man's at his best when he humors;                         
Good wit can drop a girl's bloomers.                        
The girls on the street                                     
Will flock to his feet,                                     
Begging to be one of his roomers.                           
                                                            
60516 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Jim Weaver Collection    



We'll go strolling tonight in the park;                     
In some shadows we'll light our own spark;                  
Where my fingers' sure touch                                
Love, will please you so much;                              
Sure, I do my best work in the dark!                        
                                                            
60517 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



A naughty young miss is Mikaela,                            
Adoring a randy old sailor.                                 
He wines her and dines her;                                 
To lust he inclines her.                                    
She now wants to check his impaler!                         
                                                            
60518 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



I've got chocolate here for my fox;                         
And I hope opportunity knocks;                              
There's a ribbon to shred,                                  
Then some wrappings to shed.                                
Then I'll be opening up the sweet box.                      
                                                            
60519 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Allen Wolverton          



Your lips are candy sweet!                                  
Just to look at you is a treat!                             
(I hope that this finds                                     
You in the right frame of mind,                             
To tumble awhile in the sheets!)                            
                                                            
60520 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Gerry Pelzer             



There once was a woman named Nancy,                         
Who waltzed with a man they call Clancey.                   
Soon after the dance,                                       
He pulled down her silk pants,                              
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.                             
                                                            
60521 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Coops                    



Outdoors, the young lady of Harrow                          
Adhered to the path straight and narrow.                    
But she'd fuck in her flat                                  
At the drop of a hat;                                       
My goodness! There goes a sombrero!                         
                                                            
60522 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-2100



A suave handsome bastard named Moffat,                      
At seduction was one very cool cat.                         
He spread open thighs                                       
With sweetly-voiced lies,                                   
While whispering "Exitus acta probat."                      
(the end justifies the means)                               
60523 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



I've practised and practised and practised                  
And now I'm becoming distressed                             
I just want to teach,                                       
So hark while I preach                                      
The joy when we're safely enmattressed.                     
                                                            
60524 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



Two eager young fellows of Dover                            
Made Mary when out in the clover.                           
When Mary played coy                                        
They both jumped with Joy,                                  
And later felt Rosie all over.                              
                                                            
60525 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-0116



A man who made Mary in Dover                                
Had Mercy when out in the clover.                           
With Joy he did jump                                        
Then with Ethyl did pump,                                   
And of course, he felt Rosie all over.                      
                                                            
60526 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-0117



A virile young fellow of Dover                              
Made Mary when out in the clover.                           
He was found weak and wan                                   
At the crack -- yes -- of Dawn.                             
He looked pale but felt Rosie all over.                     
                                                            
60527 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-0115



A spinster left burning with grief                          
Had been partially raped by a thief.                        
By a matter of luck                                         
She observed a fire truck,                                  
And the flame was put out by the chief!                     
                                                            
60528 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-1347



Today is the feast of St. Val,                              
The florist's and candy store's pal.                        
It cost you the Earth,                                      
But maybe it's worth                                        
It, to open the legs of your gal.                           
                                                            
60529 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Tiddy Ogg                



Oh Sarah, I would be remiss                                 
If I never did tell you this:                               
I want to be naughty                                        
And fondle your body.                                       
Can I start with a hug and a kiss?                          
                                                            
60530 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Mr B                     



Each man that Miss Ross chose to wed with,                  
She first liked to paint the town red with.                 
For having made merry,                                      
She then became very                                        
Hot stuff and fantastic in bed with.                        
                                                            
60531 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



A hunter, he'd mounted the head                             
Of many an animal, dead.                                    
"I'm fearful," teased she,                                  
"Lest you shoot and mount me."                              
"I'd happily mount you," he said.                           
                                                            
60532 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Lance Payne         P8405



At a three-star hotel in Medan,                             
A girl dined alone with a man,                              
And horny, yet nervous,                                     
She knew once room service                                  
Was over, her service began.                                
                                                            
60533 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



Hugh Hefner can extoll VERBATIM                             
On everything needed to mate 'em.                           
Gourmet food on table;                                      
Fine wine will disable;                                     
Suits off, surf's up, no need to date 'em.                  
                                                            
60534 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Gene                     



Can this counsel you give me be true?                       
Is this what you want me to do?                             
Think of St. Jerome                                         
In his celibate home                                        
When I'd rather be thinking of you?                         
                                                            
60535 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Larry Davis         P8601



No need for liguisticky chores                              
Or lessons from spectacled bores,                           
Just whisper, "Prosciutto                                   
Con funghi e tutto..."                                      
You'll soon be inside her moist drawers.                    
                                                            
60536 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



My boyfriend seduced me one night,                          
And oh, what a gorgeous delight.                            
With tickles of passion,                                    
We made a new fashion                                       
Of sex in the fairest moonlight.                            
                                                            
60537 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Roy Herselman            



Perhaps I can make that girl trill,                         
Not by causing a womberful spill,                           
But by tickling her fancy,                                  
Then making her antsy,                                      
And presenting my inflated bill!                            
                                                            
60538 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Lo and Behold       T9707



The teller said she was invincible,                         
But the banker thought she was convincible.                 
So he set down her figure                                   
And he proved with some rigor,                              
That the interest negated the principle.                    
                                                            
60539 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-0214



There once was a heavy-hung Hindu                           
Who coaxed every maid, "Let me in-do!"                      
His drooping moustache                                      
Would tickle her gash,                                      
And the hair on his balls made her grin, too!               
                                                            
60540 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                G2700



I will sing you a love seranade,                            
Or buy you a jewel made of jade.                            
Or give you my money,                                       
But I know you, Honey,                                      
I'm sure you would rather get laid.                         
                                                            
60541 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Carol                    



Your hand gently rubbing my thighs,                         
That sexy look from your brown eyes.                        
Lights up the fire,                                         
Of love and desire,                                         
And of course those little white lies.                      
                                                            
60542 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



I think of you daily for hours,                             
Comparing your limbs to the flowers,                        
But I battle my lust                                        
For your lips and your bust                                 
By taking a lot of cold showers.                            
                                                            
60543 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Larry Davis         P8601



"Watch out!" warned a damsel in France;                     
"Let his hand reach the fuzz in your pants,                 
While his other hot mitt                                    
Clamps onto a tit,                                          
And your maidenhead don't stand a chance!"                  
                                                            
60544 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                G1553



Merely sighting the tits on Miss Slattery                   
Will recharge tired satyr's old battery.                    
Those who've made her have said                             
That to get her in bed                                      
Requires muscle, martinis, and flattery.                    
                                                            
60545 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Grand Prix Lim  160      



Seducing shy virgins to sin                                 
Takes more that sweet talking and gin:                      
An all-out seduction                                        
Is a major production,                                      
And it may take you hours to get in.                        
                                                            
60546 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Grand Prix Lim  809 G1609



She was pretty and young and alive;                         
She came by on a membership drive.                          
I invited her in                                            
And led her to sin --                                       
I had my own member to drive!                               
                                                            
60547 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            John Miller 0164         



To a gentleman friend she said, "Honey,                     
Of course I'm not after your money."                        
Though she was a dear,                                      
Her meaning was clear:                                      
"Me not care for money?  That's funny!"                     
                                                            
60548 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Norm Storer         P9505



My lover is fond of massage,                                
So I rub her with creamy fromage,                           
And a soft tickle give her,                                 
Till her quim starts to quiver,                             
Then go in with my steaming sau-sage.                       
                                                            
60549 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Wandering Loon           



The newlywed wife of young Fred                             
Called up at the office and said,                           
"I have carpets on stairs                                   
And remodeled the chairs,                                   
And I have a new spread on the bed."                        
                                                            
60550 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-2579



A Nez Perce squaw from the prairie,                         
Of sex and such nonsense was wary,                          
Till a well-hung Apache                                     
Got her down in Wenatchee--                                 
Now he milks her along with the dairy.                      
                                                            
60551 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                G0800



A woman shared with me her plight;                          
Could find no man to do the deed right.                     
I offered to boff her;                                      
She honored my offer;                                       
It was 'offer' and 'honor' all night!                       
                                                            
60552 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Trainman                 



To a lady he found rather fetching,                         
He said, "Let me show you my etching."                      
But he was a Gent,                                          
The guy really meant:                                       
"Hey baby, I'm hot for some leching!"                       
                                                            
60553 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Norm Storer         P9505



A sailor who sailed on the sea,                             
Was clever as clever could be.                              
He would tell every girl,                                   
"There is only one pearl!"                                  
And every girl thought it was she!                          
                                                            
60554 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            John Miller 0068         



So put out the ice and champagne                            
And the oysters; they're good for my brain.                 
And they'll raise my libido                                 
To equal your greed. Oh                                     
My Petal, you drive me insane.                              
                                                            
60555 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Jim Weaver Collection    



OH SHIT! I forgot the champagne!                            
There's a liquor store, corner of Main.                     
I'll be back with a stiffy ...                              
... I mean, in a jiffy ...                                  
You've got me all flustered again.                          
                                                            
60556 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man of Belgrade,                          
Who planned to seduce a fair maid.                          
And as it befell                                            
He succeeded quite well,                                    
And the maid, like the plan, was well laid.                 
                                                            
60557 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Isaac Asimov             



Recreation is sometimes a lark                              
In an automobile in the dark.                               
If the fellow is brash,                                     
It doesn't take cash,                                       
But only a quiet place to park.                             
                                                            
60558 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            A. N. Wilkins       P8610



Marquis Guy, to the Comtesse Renee,                         
Did declare, "Je suis tres enchante,"                       
But he was a gent,                                          
The guy really meant:                                       
"I would bet you're a really great lay."                    
                                                            
60559 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Thomas G. Keller    P9505



There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.                    
The moon is above to the right.                             
The trees are a-swaying,                                    
A love song I'm playing...                                  
Please don't say you won't, say you might!                  
                                                            
60560 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Vinny the Face      T9710



An amateur satyr named Stew                                 
Has found work as a waiter in Kew.                          
But his purpose, it's clear,                                
Is to locate a dear                                         
Who, if he can date her, will screw.                        
                                                            
60561 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Norm Storer              



Touching all chords of her woman's heart,                   
He plead his suit with highest art.                         
Perplexed, confused,                                        
With love suffused,                                         
She slowly sighed her legs apart.                           
                                                            
60562 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            W. L. McAtee        G0090



A young lion tamer named Pete                               
Plays a game all the girls think is neat.                   
They stretch out and purr                                   
When he strokes on their fur,                               
Then roar when he slips them the meat.                      
                                                            
60563 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Bob Giandomenico    P8712



There once was a smooth-talking Druid,                      
Whose manner of living was lewd.                            
He'd engage Druid lasses,                                   
In small talk--no passes,                                   
But the first thing they knew, they'd been screwed.         
                                                            
60564 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            John Ciardi              



Whether it's large or pip-squeak,                           
I offer you all this technique:                             
Rub square on her G                                         
With a finger or three,                                     
While lickin' her love-nub oblique.                         
                                                            
60565 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            H WHELCHEL               



A dirty old pilot, while flying,                            
Has all of the pretty girls sighing,                        
By praising their twats in                                  
Both Greek and Latin,                                       
Then fucking them till they were dying.                     
                                                            
60566 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



To a lady whose fancy he'd tickle,                          
He said, "I'm quite sure you're not fickle."                
But he was a gent,                                          
What the guy really meant:                                  
"I'll bet you would spread for a nickel!"                   
                                                            
60567 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Norm Storer         P9505



I found as a lad in my teens,                               
Of all my hormonal routines,                                
The Lord's Prayer in French                                 
Lit fires I would quench,                                   
As my date wriggled out of her jeans.                       
                                                            
60568 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



A loquacious, though salty, old sailor,                     
On meeting a lass would impale her.                         
"For," one said, "what it's worth,                          
Though your harpoon lacked girth,                           
I sure fancy the tales of a whaler."                        
                                                            
60569 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Dr Limerick modifiedP9410



The chef was an avid young learner;                         
The maid said his acts did concern her.                     
She perceived he had class                                  
And was cooking with gas,                                   
But she asked him to try the front burner.                  
                                                            
60570 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Albin Chaplin   3024-0933



A brazen hi-fi fan named Walter                             
Lured a girl to his audio altar.                            
As she studied his tweeter                                  
He plugged in his peter:                                    
'Twas coaxial bliss to assault her.                         
                                                            
60571 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                               G0750a



A natural normal affliction                                 
This limerick fuction addiction;                            
The rhythm and beat                                         
Of the meter is sweet,                                      
For seduction and suction and friction.                     
                                                            
60572 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                     



When he hired Miss Julie Lampeer,                           
He said, "I will further your career."                      
But he was a gent,                                          
What the guy really meant:                                  
"I'm going to fuck you, my dear."                           
                                                            
60573 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH            Tom Patton          P9505



It seems a young damsel named Spenser,                      
Than whom few young damsels are denser,                     
Was beguiled by the flattery                                
Of a satyr named Slattery...                                
What later occurred we must censor!                         
                                                            
60574 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH                                G0188



Now you might kiss my...Oh no, I can't!                     
But I'd love you to...Nah, well I shan't!                   
Could we lay down a bit --                                  
Or at least...may I sit?                                    
As my knees get weak I cannot grant...                      
                                                            
60575 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



...That I can still master my mind.                         
I'm afraid that too soon I may find                         
I could no longer hide                                      
This feeling inside,                                        
At which sight I try hard to be blind.                      
                                                            
60576 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



My love, you've the brightest of eyes,                      
And the loveliest hair, as it lies                          
There framing your face --                                  
Oh, your lips I must taste,                                 
For their beauty description defies.                        
                                                            
60577 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



It's my heart - it is pounding like hell;                   
When you're holding me, it feels so well.                   
To my mind comes a word                                     
Which I somewhere have heard                                
(And I wonder if it rings a bell?)                          
                                                            
60578 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



We rob death of its victory, yes                            
And the grave of its stinging caress;                       
For to die, having found                                    
Such a pleasure profound,                                   
Means life was a flawless success.                          
                                                            
60579 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



So mount, and with passion, let's fly                       
To the peak of Olympus on high,                             
And together we'll reach                                    
A zenith for each:                                          
I ache for the sound of your sigh.                          
                                                            
60580 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



I have missed you all week.                                 
I've read all your writings (I peek).                       
Down here it is spring;                                     
Libidos take wing;                                          
Your autumn is being quite meek.                            
                                                            
60581 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



A moonlight night -- in a boat;                             
Let's have all our fun while afloat.                        
No, it has no screw;                                        
I'll have to row you.                                       
(You know, down here, we've got to vote!)                   
                                                            
60582 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



We must be fifty yards off shore.                           
I don't think I can row any more.                           
(In a car, I'd talk                                         
Of petrol, a walk)                                          
I doubt that this quietness will bore.                      
                                                            
60583 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



We'll watch the full moon up thar                           
Out over the Isle of Arra.                                  
Hands are for holding,                                      
Not just for folding,                                       
While you show to me the Pole Star.                         
                                                            
60584 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



I'll quote some Omar Khayyam                                
(I'm just a trite horny old ham)                            
Time slips 'neath our feet;                                 
But today is sweet --                                       
My love for this verse is no sham.                          
                                                            
60585 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



My moving fingers write not, they                           
Unbutton and unclothe and may                               
Even tickle your bum,                                       
While questing for some                                     
Secret places where they may stay.                          
                                                            
60586 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



And play and then tease and arouse;                         
You know this could go on for hours.                        
While I'm kissing your lips,                                
You're moving your hips --                                  
No longer a shy little mouse.                               
                                                            
60587 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



And the rhythmical motion,                                  
Is just the result of emotion --                            
I've brought a good red,                                    
Careful, it'll go to your head.                             
(Though that could lead to coition)                         
                                                            
60588 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



And yes, it did!  But so slow                               
We just keep moving with the flow.                          
The small waves make                                        
Our little boat shake --                                    
I use much the same motion to row.                          
                                                            
60589 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



The big moon will soon be downsetting;                      
On shore our dogs are a-fretting.                           
Soon back to the shore,                                     
Face real life once more.                                   
I'll remember all of our petting.                           
                                                            
60590 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



Feeling weary, I've just reread this.                       
Now you'd better not go take a piss.                        
I'm reaching the pits --                                    
There's no mention of tits,                                 
Or other rude places I've missed.                           
                                                            
60591 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



Psychology used on a child,                                 
Will drive a young college girl wild;                       
Since she is so curious,                                    
She's gonna be furious;                                     
That sweet thing will feel so beguiled.                     
                                                            
60592 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



And, honey, you don't have to wait;                         
Come 'round to your private back gate;                      
My door's always open                                       
For you, and I'm hopin'                                     
To get something between us real straight!                  
                                                            
60593 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



I know that seducing in parks                               
Is crass - it should be at Jacques,                         
A small French Hotel,                                       
One I know very well;                                       
My exploits are noted on plaques!                           
                                                            
60594 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Ma Cherie, come with me now to France.                      
Tonight, together we'll dance.                              
Aaah, the wine and the food                                 
With all of it's good,                                      
And then I'll get into your pants!                          
                                                            
60595 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Now I ain't quite sure how you'd romance                    
A beautiful woman in France;                                
But it sure sounds to me                                    
Like it surely must be                                      
Pretty hard to look cool in her pants.                      
                                                            
60596 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



I reckon I may be a lout                                    
But if pants is what this is about,                         
Well why fight agin 'em?                                    
No need to get in 'em,                                      
Much better to get her ass out!                             
                                                            
60597 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



If her ass though is big as a hill,                         
And you ain't got too much time to kill,                    
Can't get in,  can't get out,                               
Save the thrashin about,                                    
There's only one option -- to drill!                        
                                                            
60598 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



You're right, there's not much room for two,                
So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do --                       
Before filling her parts,                                   
I will use all my arts                                      
And post off her panties to you!                            
                                                            
60599 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Do these five lines we avidly coin                          
Spring mainly from aches in the groin                       
And the verses we scan                                      
Give faint hope to each man                                 
That his limb may lie down with her loin.                   
                                                            
60600 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Bob Giandomenico    P9106



As to limericks you'd avidly coin                           
Because of the ache in your groin.                          
Do the verses you scan                                      
Make it likely, young man,                                  
That your limb will lay down with her loin?                 
                                                            
60601 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Bob Giandomenico    P8807



Tonight I'll invite her to dinner;                          
Those oysters are surely a winner.                          
Combined with champagne,                                    
I shall try once again                                      
And with luck nad surprise I'll be in her.                  
                                                            
60602 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



For sure, I'll seduce her alright,                          
In the glow of the candles I'll light.                      
With the music turned low,                                  
She'll just go with the flow;                               
Yes, I feel in my bone it's tonight.                        
                                                            
60603 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



After having a bit of good wine,                            
On this terry-clothed pad, do recline;                      
If you please, in the buff!                                 
I won't pull funny stuff;                                   
Just relax, love; this treatment's benign...                
                                                            
60604 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



With my fingertips, softly I'll trace,                      
Where your hairline meets neck and your face;               
Love, I hope all this serves                                
As to sooth your face nerves;                               
Let your mind just become a blank place!                    
                                                            
60605 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



On your shoulders, this oil's a great charm;                
I'll be vigorous with both hands and arms;                  
I will rub your fair hide,                                  
'Til my hands no more slide;                                
Do your collar and shoulders feel warm?                     
                                                            
60606 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Your back muscles need to be browsed,                       
To your hips where your joy center's housed;                
With more oil from the spout,                               
This here scent sends me out;                               
Love, I'm getting a wee bit aroused!                        
                                                            
60607 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



On your spine I will do a good job;                         
Kind of easy, more lotion I'll swab;                        
On your sides, my hands rest,                               
Lightly touching each breast;                               
My Big Willy's just started to throb!                       
                                                            
60608 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



So by now, hope you're limp as a rag;                       
Sort of floating, with nowhere a sag;                       
You should sway for a spell,                                
Like in mid-ocean's swell;                                  
Do you like this? I hope it's your bag!                     
                                                            
60609 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Your thigh muscles need a good churn;                       
Your well-being's at stake, you will learn;                 
Now your rump I do thump;                                   
(Love, I'm dying to hump!)                                  
Now my sweat-suit comes off 'fore I burn!                   
                                                            
60610 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Now, my love, I can't leave you half done;                  
Roll on over, don't miss the best fun;                      
Turn the lights down a bit;                                 
Here, a candle I've lit;                                    
By no one will I be outdone!                                
                                                            
60611 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



My neighbor's off working in Ayr                            
And left his young ladyfriend Claire                        
To look after his place;                                    
Should I risk an embrace                                    
And suggest that we start an affair?                        
                                                            
60612 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Well, would you believe it? I saw                           
Her just now at a quarter past four,                        
And I couldn't keep my eyes                                 
Off her golden brown thighs,                                
As she walked through my living room door.                  
                                                            
60613 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



"You must be quite lonely", I said,                         
Now your boyfriend (ol' wotsisname Ted)                     
Is off working in Ayr."                                     
But she said, "I don't care;                                
I can do what I like now in bed."                           
                                                            
60614 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Now all of you know I'm no sinner;                          
I think though I'm onto a winner.                           
I asked her to dine                                         
With me well before nine;                                   
She's agreed to come over for dinner.                       
                                                            
60615 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



You're wicked, you know that my girl,                       
And you're sending my mind in a whirl.                      
You've no shame or remorse;                                 
So dismount from that horse,                                
For you're causing my dick to unfurl.                       
                                                            
60616 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Now peel off those jodhpurs so tight.                       
Do it slow to ensure you excite.                            
Now show me, my lass,                                       
How you wriggled your ass                                   
When you rode in that saddle last night.                    
                                                            
60617 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Peter Wilkins            



Now on your saddle, I ride.                                 
Your texture, so smooth, it's rawhide?                      
And your horn is so hard,                                   
My sweet limerick bard,                                     
I'll just mount up and ride you astride.                    
                                                            
60618 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Ericka                   



Joy, I afraid I'm too tired                                 
To have a real date, let just ride.                         
We'll talk; for a lark                                      
We'll find somewhere to park,                               
And we'll just sit there, side by side.                     
                                                            
60619 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



It's nice to relax with a friend,                           
While tired brains we try to mend.                          
I've been working too hard.                                 
(It's an old canard --                                      
What you make, if you're dead, you can't spend.)            
                                                            
60620 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



Why your hand is quite cold, my dear.                       
I'll warm it so just give it here.                          
I'll rub it and kiss it                                     
And closely caress it.                                      
Oh No, your top fell down, I fear.                          
                                                            
60621 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



Beneath that thin T-shirt there's nought,                   
Except what from nature yo've brought.                      
And they are divine.                                        
I wish they were mine,                                      
To hold, not to have, like you thought.                     
                                                            
60622 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



They are quite cold, I'll warm them too,                    
So we'll cling quite close, me and you.                     
It's just a big hug,                                        
Here under the rug...                                       
My pants are now getting tight too!                         
                                                            
60623 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



This night has now turned into fun.                         
Why Joy, now you're squeezing my bum.                       
But I'll fix you,                                           
I'll squeeze yours too.                                     
And I'll kiss what you've got there in fron(t).             
                                                            
60624 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



I'll just draw the curtains right there.                    
No need for the others to stare.                            
I just used the word front                                  
And, as is my wont,                                         
I hate obvious rhymes...my hands WHERE?                     
                                                            
60625 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Archie                   



A look and a touch that inflame,                            
Wild feeling burst forth without aim;                       
Overwhelming desire,                                        
All senses on fire,                                         
Mad passionate love that's not tame.                        
                                                            
60626 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Bodies pressed with excitement infusion,                    
Moist kisses exchanged in perfusion;                        
Arms and legs in love knot,                                 
With the blood piping hot,                                  
Wetness matched with a rock hard protrusion.                
                                                            
60627 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Clothing ripped to the floor without care,                  
No thought given to how or where;                           
Both lovers are randy,                                      
A rug or couch handy,                                       
Bare rumps and sweet bumps that they share.                 
                                                            
60628 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Two partners that fit like a glove,                         
Long moments of unfettered love;                            
Motion at fevered pitch,                                    
Each relieving their itch,                                  
Unconcerned with which one is above.                        
                                                            
60629 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



Joint explosion will soon be at hand,                       
The lovers have reached Promised Land;                      
Sighs and cries interweaved,                                
Perfect sex is achieved,                                    
Grand fulfillment for each firebrand.                       
                                                            
60630 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



The eye of the storm is now here,                           
Restful lull with low whispers so dear;                     
Loving cause for refrain,                                   
Passion builds up again,                                    
Full arousal and thrill reappear.                           
                                                            
60631 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES                            



When one's in the mood for romancing,                       
There's nothing much finer than dancing.                    
To help a girl find                                         
The right frame of mind,                                    
So she won't mind a little depantsing.                      
                                                            
60632 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   MrMalo                   



It's all too often been said,                               
That dancing will lead you to bed;                          
For it's love set to music,                                 
And activates your dick                                     
So her clothes can be easily shed.                          
                                                            
60633 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Arden                    



Can you do the horizontal mambo?                            
In motion not quick, but so slow?                           
To prolong the pleasure                                     
Of the little treasure,                                     
The baton will steadily grow.                               
                                                            
60634 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Arden                    



I wish more of the males just would see                     
That the girls really would love to be                      
Twirled cross the floor...                                  
You guys would get more                                     
If you treated them romantically.                           
                                                            
60635 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   ROE                      



My four-year-old has an old bear                            
Who is devoid of almost all hair.                           
The lack of his fuzz                                        
is simply because                                           
Of the kisses and cuddles they share.                       
                                                            
60636 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   JoyClare                 



My teddy's a different matter!                              
Sink and lace, my figure to flatter.                        
Between its suspenders                                      
I won't accept 'benders';                                   
Much better, the longer and fatter!                         
                                                            
60637 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Joyclare                 



Your cunny, I hope, too is fuzzless.                        
If fuzzy, I might tend to spuzz less.                       
Of course I am dreaming;                                    
My hand takes a creaming.                                   
Why, last week I bought it a sun dress.                     
                                                            
60638 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   H Choad King             



But if you have want for a tryst,                           
And horsemeat is what you have missed,                      
My humble bone's                                            
As long as a roans,                                         
And probably thick as your wrist.                           
                                                            
60639 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   H Choad King             



Hung like a horse, did you say?                             
Perhaps then one day we could play!                         
But if you think me a filly                                 
Go away; Don't be silly...                                  
This girl wasn't born yesterday.                            
                                                            
60640 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   JoyClare                 



'Tis true! Spring chicken I'm not                           
(Though younger by far than a lot!)                         
If the truth will be known,                                 
I MIGHT fancy your bone.                                    
Come on then, let's see what you've got.                    
                                                            
60641 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   JoyClare                 



If stockings and lace are your thing,                       
Come on, let's give it a fling.                             
My place or yours                                           
When we drop our drawers.                                   
Let me know; just give me a ring.                           
                                                            
60642 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   JoyClare                 



A young millionaire from near Nottingham                    
Paid court to the chicks after spotting 'em.                
He tried money and liquor                                   
But soon saw it was quicker                                 
To do it at sea, while he's yachting 'em.                   
                                                            
60643 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Armand E Singer       221



The wealthy young Viscount of Nottingham                    
Loved chicks and had servants out spotting 'em.             
As soon as they'd find 'em,                                 
He wined 'em and dined 'em,                                 
And sweetened his offer by yachting 'em.                    
                                                            
60644 SEDUCTIONS - SMOOTH - SERIES   Armand E Singer      221A



An angry young reader named Brooks                          
Denounced the book dealers as crooks                        
Who sold Shakespeare, Rousseau,                             
Sainte-Beuve, and Thoreau                                   
By labeling them 'Adult Books'!                             
                                                            
60645 SHAKESPEARE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8401



A student from Texas named Bess                             
Passed Drama but failed to impress.                         
For she said, "It was hard                                  
To master the bard,                                         
But all's swell that ends swell, I guess."                  
                                                            
60646 SHAKESPEARE                    Graham Lester            



When Shakespeare was asked on the day                       
That he married a maid past her May,                        
How she had snared the Bard,                                
He said: "It wasn't hard,                                   
For you must know that Anne Hathaway."                      
                                                            
60647 SHAKESPEARE                    Warrick Elrod            



Did Shakespeare woo Anne Hathaway                           
By whispering, "Anne hath a way,"                           
Or did Will desist                                          
And this pun resist                                         
Lest he bemoan, "Anne hath away"?                           
                                                            
60648 SHAKESPEARE                    Irving Superior     P8401



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
His thoughts about loving would stray                       
To porn and to pics,                                        
About condoms and tricks,                                   
Should we bring him back for a day.                         
                                                            
60649 SHAKESPEARE                    Sandy Shalott      TP9901



B2, the bomber, U.S.A.                                      
To Yugoslavia every day.                                    
Two choices -- what to do,                                  
B2 or not B2,                                               
As William Shakespeare used to say.                         
                                                            
60650 SHAKESPEARE                    Irving Superior          



Birth!  Wilt thou bring want or plenty?                     
Death!  Art thou peace or tormenty?                         
Lest thou makest me rich,                                   
Thou twain are the hitch:                                   
Mine April day foe -- "three and twenty!"                   
(birthday and death day -- April 23)                        
60651 SHAKESPEARE                    Hugh Clary               



 ear Anne Hathaway called to The Bard,                      
On a Sunday, "Come in from the yard."                       
Bill said, "Anne, if you wish,                              
I'll start frying those fish.                               
It's a cinch now that I've found the LARD."                 
                                                            
60652 SHAKESPEARE                    Loren C Fitzhugh         



He seldom produced the uncouth                              
And rarely avoided the truth,                               
But Shakespeare sure wrote                                  
Some stuff you don't quote                                  
To children or parsons - forsooth!                          
                                                            
60653 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



To Shakespeare be grand panegyrics!                         
O, would he had written our lyrics                          
For most that we hear                                       
Today do appear                                             
Designed to engender hysterics!                             
(panegyric - laudatory public speech, eulogy)               
60654 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



Poor Falstaff, that knight of full lard,                    
Was writ in two plays by the Bard.                          
Position demeaned,                                          
Alleged sex fiend,                                          
Which Slick Willy says is CANARD.                           
                                                            
60655 SHAKESPEARE                    Chris Papa               



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
Methinks he'd be openly gay.                                
But dating the Bard                                         
Might prove a bit hard --                                   
He's passed his four hundredth birthday.                    
                                                            
60656 SHAKESPEARE                    Finnegan                 



Ham actor was quick to EMOTE,                               
And would Shakespeare frequently quote,                     
Till his friends vanished,                                  
And he was banished                                         
To Russia, to tundra remote.                                
                                                            
60657 SHAKESPEARE                    Chris Papa               



Dr. Bowdler complained, "All that smut!                     
Shakespeare's Muse was a regular slut.                      
For surely it's hard                                        
That the plays of the Bard                                  
Have so much that has to be cut."                           
                                                            
60658 SHAKESPEARE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8401



Shall I compare thee to a sum-                              
mer's day? Fie! That sounds dumb!                           
Methinks I'll just say                                      
Th'art a helluva lay,                                       
And it's lots of fun making thee come.                      
                                                            
60659 SHAKESPEARE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8401



The ghost of Will Shakespeare, to shit                      
In this place, decided to sit.                              
But some other twat                                         
Came later and shat,                                        
And covered the walls with this wit.                        
                                                            
60660 SHAKESPEARE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
He'd say, "This vocation don't pay.                         
Though an artist I ain't,                                   
I suppose I could paint...                                  
I'm baroque and I need the Monet!                           
                                                            
60661 SHAKESPEARE                    Observer           TP9901



How seldom we hear from the Bard                            
Since he's buried out back in the yard.                     
But we'll all share his wit                                 
If his play's worth a shit,                                 
And for him, that shouldn't be hard.                        
                                                            
60662 SHAKESPEARE                    Johnboy                  



Will Shakespeare's the boss, don't you see?                 
All manner of folk will agree.                              
With a heigh and a ho                                       
And a heigh nonny no,                                       
He's the king of artsy repartee.                            
                                                            
60663 SHAKESPEARE                    Ystap              TP9804



Our thanks to this Shakespeare named Will                   
For plays that enthrall with a thrill.                      
He tells a good story,                                      
With some a bit gory,                                       
But better than Jack and his Jill.                          
                                                            
60664 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



Goode friend, my bones do spare,                            
And not moveth them from heare;                             
Or I would be first                                         
To wish you be curst,                                       
To be barren of quim for a year.                            
                                                            
60665 SHAKESPEARE                                             



In Stratford on Avon resided                                
Will Shakespeare who firmly decided                         
To author some plays                                        
Designed to amaze --                                        
Rejoicing that he wasn't misguided!                         
                                                            
60666 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



I remarked to my good friend, the Bard,                     
That the world held him in high regard.                     
He replied, "Richard II                                     
I found easy to do;                                         
My Midsummer-Night's Dream was quite hard."                 
                                                            
60667 SHAKESPEARE                    Arthur Deex         P8311



Now I hope I don't sound very bitter,                       
But old Shakespeare was naught but a quitter.               
Seems that anapests broke                                   
His mind, the poor bloke,                                   
So he wrote iambic pentamitter.                             
                                                            
60668 SHAKESPEARE                    Dave Safar               



Will Shakespeare, we know was another                       
Great poet of England whose brother                         
Inspired him to write                                       
A verse every night,                                        
Describing their flings with their mother.                  
                                                            
60669 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



A legend says Shakespeare would slink                       
Away to dark places to think                                
And, thus, be inspired                                      
By whores that he hired                                     
To put him right back in the pink.                          
                                                            
60670 SHAKESPEARE                                             



My Koala named Mercer is trained                            
To serve crumpets and tea, I explained.                     
Tasting leaves in my cup                                    
I explained, standing up                                    
The Koala tea of Mercer's not strained. (Ms. Kitty)         
                                                            
60671 SHAKESPEARE                                             



His heroes and heroines tell                                
Their anguish and ecstasy well                              
And when they emote                                         
In language we quote,                                       
We join them in heaven or hell.                             
                                                            
60672 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



The scholars who study the Bard                             
Think Shakespeare had really tried hard                     
To turn out a play                                          
Each day after day,                                         
While showing the task no regard.                           
                                                            
60673 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



"The source," said a scholar named Brady,                   
"Of his income was not the least shady.                     
Because as you know                                         
And as records show,                                        
The Bard married a young Avon lady."                        
                                                            
60674 SHAKESPEARE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8401



"Shakespeare's income," observed old Prof Brady,            
"Rumor says was illicit and shady.                          
But the actual truth                                        
Is that in his youth                                        
The Bard married a young Avon Lady."                        
                                                            
60675 SHAKESPEARE                    A. N. Wilkins            



Will Shakespeare wrote many great plays;                    
Had a knack for 'turning a phrase.'                         
But some are in doubt                                       
And bandy about,                                            
That Marlowe deserves all the praise.                       
                                                            
60676 SHAKESPEARE                    Gifford Wherry           



Did Shakespeare use Microsoft Word?                         
They say that a quill he preferred,                         
But it's certainly clear                                    
That he word-processed Lear,                                
And he grammar-checked Richard III.                         
                                                            
60677 SHAKESPEARE                    Richard Long             



"Since with luck I might really have starred                
As a poet," said Shakespeare, "it's hard                    
To spend all of my days                                     
Merely writing cheap plays.                                 
I might have become a great bard!"                          
                                                            
60678 SHAKESPEARE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8401



"Who so firm that cannot be seduced?"                       
That's my favorite Shakespeare 'mot juste';                 
"Firm" surpasses puns;                                      
Does he hint at tits, buns,                                 
Rigid pricks, or mere morals unloosed?                      
                                                            
60679 SHAKESPEARE                    Robin K. Willoughby P8402



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
An actor would have more to say.                            
DiCaprio'd be broke;                                        
His acting's a joke.                                        
He can't compare to Olivier.                                
                                                            
60680 SHAKESPEARE                    Anon                     



My best guess would be supersonics                          
Of Macbeth's and Iago's demonics                            
Would not be downrated                                      
But emasculated                                             
When they're found dumbed down in 'Ebonics'.                
                                                            
60681 SHAKESPEARE                    Loren C.Fitzhugh    P9703



Poor Willie could get no reward;                            
His Annie refused the back yard.                            
She wouldn't give head,                                     
Nor legs would she spread,                                  
And gave him the name, no holes bard.                       
                                                            
60682 SHAKESPEARE                                             



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
He would likely have nothing to say;                        
For as everyone wots,                                       
He stole all his plots,                                     
And his dialogue's nought but cliche.                       
                                                            
60683 SHAKESPEARE                    Francis Bacon            



If Shakespeare were writing today                           
He'd have made his lone way to L.A.,                        
Where he'd have to give head                                
To the guys with the bread,                                 
If he wanted to put on a play!                              
                                                            
60684 SHAKESPEARE                                             



If Shakespeare were writing today                           
About Toastpoint, I know he would say,                      
Include my limericks,                                       
With the assorted pricks,                                   
That came here to lyrically play.                           
                                                            
60685 SHAKESPEARE                    John Chastaine     TP9901



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
He would surely be carried away                             
With writing nude scenes                                    
For buff kings and queens,                                  
Since more than the plot shows today!                       
                                                            
60686 SHAKESPEARE                    Anon                     



Good friend, for Jesus sake forbear,                        
To dig the bones enclosed here!                             
Blest be the man that spares these stones                   
And cursed be he that moves my bones.                       
                                                            
                                                            
60687 SHAKESPEARE                    Shakespeare              



That's the only verse known to be written                   
By the Bard of Elizabeth's Britain;                         
All others, bar this,                                       
Could be written by Chris,                                  
With Edward, or Francis, pinch-hitten.                      
                                                            
60688 SHAKESPEARE                    Hugh Clary               



Do you mind if I join this affray                           
And bring you some culture today?                           
Will Shakespeare's the name                                 
And I hope that you came                                    
To the opening night of my play.                            
                                                            
60689 SHAKESPEARE                    Peter Wilkins            



In the speech of his time, did the Bard,                    
Refer to his prick as his 'yard',                           
But sigh no more, madam,                                    
'Twas no longer than Adam's,                                
Or mine, and not one half so hard.                          
                                                            
60690 SHAKESPEARE                                        L1629



OXFORDIAN theory is hard,                                   
Disclaiming that Will was the Bard                          
Of Avon, and so,                                            
For all that I know,                                        
Famed Homer was a Greek retard.                             
                                                            
60691 SHAKESPEARE                    Chris Papa               



If Shakespeare was so OXFORDIAN,                            
Goes debate like an accordion,                              
We'd have better clues                                      
Than old Oxford blues,                                      
And conundrum and a knot Gordian.                           
                                                            
60692 SHAKESPEARE                    Daniel Ford              



Shakespeare wrote sonnets and verse                         
All the way to his grave and his hearse.                    
But limericks, none.                                        
He had little fun,                                          
"No limericks" was his cruel curse.                         
                                                            
60693 SHAKESPEARE                    Pete Gardner             



Egads!  You are so very wrong!                              
Of course, Willie wrote limerick song!                      
Here's one you can read,                                    
And if there's a need,                                      
There's more: finding them won't take long.                 
                                                            
60694 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



Say I to thee, Dearest, beware                              
Of men like me who to thee fair                             
Wilt give thee a rose,                                      
Whilst shedding our clothes,                                
For more than our souls doth we bare.                       
                                                            
60695 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



But shouldst thy fair hand reach to pick                    
Thy rose, dear, thou mustn't be quick                       
To pluck, else in kind,                                     
Thou wilt surely find,                                      
In thy tenderest fingers, a prick.                          
                                                            
60696 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



Is there naught fair maid or shrew'd hag                    
Who dwells in yon village or crag,                          
The which wouldst be willing                                
For meal, aye!  For shilling,                               
To bear this huge burden I drag?                            
                                                            
60697 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



Come quick!  As in flight of strong sparrow,                
Attendeth my bone without marrow;                           
Shouldst thoulacketh strength                               
To heave my hard length,                                    
Then bringeth, O wench, thy wheelbarrow.                    
                                                            
60698 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



When Shakespeare wrote plays for the masses,                
For people of various classes,                              
His tragedies thrilled                                      
As heroes were killed,                                      
And villeins made passes at lasses!                         
(villeins - peasants)                                       
60699 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



With characters taken from Plutarch,                        
Full many a play was a landmark;                            
As Shakespeare found there                                  
The secrets that bare                                       
The soul of a peasant or monarch.                           
                                                            
60700 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
There wouldn't be much left to say.                         
He'd probably cuss                                          
And make such a fuss,                                       
That the government would put him away.                     
                                                            
60701 SHAKESPEARE                    Jim Weaver Collection    



Bill Shakespeare, the "Creme de la Creme,"                  
Wrote sonnets and plays, so they claim.                     
But was he the one                                          
Or was it really some                                       
Other fellow who had the same name?                         
                                                            
60702 SHAKESPEARE                    Margaret A. Murdock P8401



"Despite all his subsequent fame,                           
William Shakespeare was playing a game,                     
For he did not write                                        
The plays," declared Dwight.                                
"It was someone else by the same name."                     
                                                            
60703 SHAKESPEARE                    A. N. Wilkins       P8401



Seven ages, first puking and mewling,                       
Then very pissed off with one's schooling,                  
Then fucks, and then fights,                                
Then judging chap's rights,                                 
Then sitting in slippers, the drooling.                     
(All the world's a stage...)                                
60704 SHAKESPEARE                    Victor Gray              



In Stratford, young Will went to school                     
For seven years -- he 'twern't no fool!                     
Learned Bible and Latin,                                    
On language got fat 'n                                      
Discovered he had a great tool.                             
                                                            
60705 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



Come quick as the flight of strong sparrow;                 
Attendeth my bone without marrow.                           
Shouldst thou lacketh strength                              
To heave my hard length,                                    
Then bringeth, my wench, thy wheelbarrow!"                  
                                                            
60706 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



Shakespeare, a scholarly nit,                               
Was quite proud of the limericks he'd writ.                 
But his siblings were schnooks,                             
Devoured all his chapbooks,                                 
And each hair in his patrons armpit.                        
                                                            
60707 SHAKESPEARE                    Nancy Henry-Kline   P9402



In order to celebrate Will,                                 
That poet and playwright of skill,                          
I'll praise not in prose,                                   
But I'll try to compose                                     
This sonnet with pen, ink and quill.                        
                                                            
60708 SHAKESPEARE                    Peter Wilkins            



For shall I compare thee to <BLOT>                          
It droppeth from heaven like...What?                        
An ink blob upon it?                                        
All over my sonnet?                                         
Oh come: 'tis merely a spot.                                
                                                            
60709 SHAKESPEARE                    Peter Wilkins            



Forsooth and Gadzooks!  How did Will                        
Compose all his stuff with a quill?                         
But damn, I digress                                         
And this sonnet's a mess.                                   
                                                            
                                                            
60710 SHAKESPEARE                    Peter Wilkins            



My boy, it seems that you ought                             
To have a fifth line, not naught.                           
But wait! I can see                                         
What the problem must be...                                 
You've forgotten to yell "Out, Damn Spot!"                  
                                                            
60711 SHAKESPEARE                    C Anton                  



With all due respect to the bard,                           
I suspect he found limericks hard.                          
He got most of them wrong,                                  
They were fourteen lines long,                              
And the metrical elements jarred.                           
                                                            
60712 SHAKESPEARE                    Peter Wilkins            



To Stratford-on-Avon rain came.                             
More rain and then more of the same                         
Rose higher and higher                                      
Until the town crier                                        
Gave to Avon-on-Stratford its name.                         
                                                            
60713 SHAKESPEARE                    Irving Superior     P8401



In plays that are truly Shakespearean,                      
With plots that are tragic or cheery, an                    
Emotion arises                                              
Mid pleasant surprises                                      
And visions of summits empyrean.                            
(empyrean - highest level of heaven)                        
60714 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
He'd have some advice to convey.                            
"To be so serious,                                          
Can only weary us;                                          
I know now, the thing is to play."                          
                                                            
60715 SHAKESPEARE                    Finnegan                 



Ah, Shakespeare! your children's report'll                  
Never take you through Time's massive portal;               
But do not lose cheer,                                      
This limerick here                                          
Will certainly make you immortal!                           
                                                            
60716 SHAKESPEARE                    Laurence Perrine    P8401



Over three hundred eighty-five years                        
Ago, over crumpets and beers,                               
Young Will was awritin'                                     
Both day and night, 'n'                                     
I think we should give him three cheers!                    
                                                            
60717 SHAKESPEARE                    Travis Brasell           



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
I think he would be quite blown away                        
By all the publication                                      
About fornication;                                          
Be it hetero, bi-sexual, or gay.                            
                                                            
60718 SHAKESPEARE                                             



The NEWSPEAK'S a language absurd.                           
All Shakespeare's reduced, I have heard.                    
To the Limerick's 5 line                                    
And that Limerick divine,                                   
Is condensed to a four-letter word.                         
(probably from 1984 - Orwell)                               
60719 SHAKESPEARE                    Dick Buenger        P8406



The cast was having a ball                                  
Playing Shakespeare out in the mall,                        
But the play was so sad                                     
And they played it so bad,                                  
Not a dry handkerchief in the hall.                         
                                                            
60720 SHAKESPEARE                    Andy Sorenson       P9009



When Shakespeare had mastered the sonnet                    
(I'd bet my last dollar up on it!)                          
He caused some deep flushes                                 
And virginal blushes                                        
While flipping the maidenly bonnet!                         
                                                            
60721 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



If Shakespeare were writing today                           
There is no doubt what he would say:                        
"I thought I was clever                                     
But I could not, never                                      
Write as meaningfully as C. Bronte.                         
                                                            
60722 SHAKESPEARE                    Patty P            TP9901



Will Shakespeare excells as a poet;                         
A check of his speeches will show it.                       
His players emote                                           
So well that we quote                                       
A beautiful line -- when we know it!                        
                                                            
60723 SHAKESPEARE                    R. J. Winkler       P8401



"What's in a name?" (Did Shakespeare start                  
To give an answer but lose heart                            
And beat around the bush                                    
Then roses try to push?)                                    
"What's in a name? In Mozart - Art."                        
                                                            
60724 SHAKESPEARE                    Irving Superior     P8401



Bill Shakespeare once wrote on the page:                    
The Earth is a wheeled wooden cage.                         
It's owned by Wells Fargo                                   
And carries it's cargo                                      
Through life...Yes, the world is a stage.                   
                                                            
60725 SHAKESPEARE                    Tiddy Ogg                



Now Dickens, he wrote about Scrooge,                        
A man with a fortune so huge,                               
His fellows he'd screw,                                     
'Cause Ebby sure knew,                                      
To him all the world was a stooge.                          
                                                            
60726 SHAKESPEARE                    Tiddy Ogg                



Wilde's Canterville Ghost was a pain;                       
His blood spots a mark as of Cain.                          
They spread on the floor,                                   
To be there evermore.                                       
To him, all the world was a stain.                          
                                                            
60727 SHAKESPEARE                    Tiddy Ogg                



Jane Austin would write of young maids;                     
Those darlings who never got laid.                          
They'd ne'er get a kiss;                                    
All good stuff they would miss...                           
To her all the world was so staid.                          
                                                            
60728 SHAKESPEARE                    Tiddy Ogg                



Said the Avon Bard, "'Twould be a pity                      
If I lost the gift to be witty.                             
If I did so, I know                                         
De Vere, Bacon, Marlowe,                                    
I would hire and we'd write by committee."                  
                                                            
60729 SHAKESPEARE                    Loren C Fitzhugh         



When I was a lad and at school,                             
Our assignments weren't nearly so cool;                     
We would study the Bard                                     
(Who found limericks hard)                                  
And write sonnets all day as a rule.                        
                                                            
60730 SHAKESPEARE                                             



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
He would right in a much different way.                     
No concern for phonics,                                     
He would write in ebonics:                                  
"Wat up! Po' Yoric!" he'd say.                              
                                                            
60731 SHAKESPEARE                    Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



I, while visiting Tesco's to buy                            
Bacon, sausages, eggs and a pie,                            
Wrote my list out in verse.                                 
(This is hard, but what's worse;                            
Rhyme tomatoes and waffles--you try!)                       
(I Bacon wrote this rhyme)                                  
60732 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Lynne Davies             



I long to write verse about fishes,                         
Bacon, and eggs; but such wishes,                           
Wrote Will, 'I discard;                                     
This proposal's too hard;                                   
Rhyme is wanting to speak of such dishes.'                  
(I Bacon Wrote This Rhyme)                                  
60733 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Mark W. Harlequin        



I have heard vegetarians told                               
'Bacon's flavor you must miss of old!'                      
Wrote one such to The Times:                                
'This meat's not sublime,                                   
Rhyme nor reason see I ain't being sold.'                   
(I Bacon wrote this rhyme)                                  
60734 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Andrew Shires            



Francis Bacon once said to his wife,                        
"The thought still cuts like a knife.                       
For when I did write                                        
Shakespeare's dramas I quite                                
Neglected the chance of my life."                           
                                                            
60735 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Arthur N. Wilkins   P8401



Mr. F. is a figure forsaken.                                
His importance is often mistaken.                           
But he's highly Shakespearean                               
By any criterion.                                           
I'm referring, of course, to F. Bacon.                      
                                                            
60736 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Neal Wilgus         P8401



Bill Shakespeare, if I'm not mistaken,                      
Worked hard at the job he had taken.                        
We must give him credit;                                    
His family, he fed it.                                      
He worked hard to bring home the Bacon.                     
                                                            
60737 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Margaret A. Murdock P8401



If Bacon, de Vere, even Marlowe,                            
Were with us today or tomorrow,                             
I think they'd all say                                      
"No, there was no way                                       
That Shakespeare, our help, he would borrow!"               
                                                            
60738 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Travis Brasell           



Said Shakespeare, "I fear you're mistaken,                  
If you think that my plays are by Bacon.                    
I'm writing a book                                          
Proving Bacon's a crook                                     
And his style's an obscure and opaque 'un."                 
                                                            
60739 SHAKESPEARE - BACON                                     



I'm sure that you have heard the claim,                     
Re: who wrote all those plays of great fame.                
That it's perfectly clear                                   
They were not by Shakespeare,                               
But by someone else with the same name.                     
                                                            
60740 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Fran                     



You bet I can get very annoyed                              
When Dons, using learned sang froid,                        
Attack the old Bard                                         
In Avon's back yard,                                        
And argue who's to fill his void!                           
                                                            
60741 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Barb                     



Was Shakespeare well-written by Bacon?                      
If true, all respect be forsaken                            
For such a big phoney                                       
(His genius - baloney!)                                     
Whose works would be products of fakin'!                    
                                                            
60742 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            R. J. Winkler       P8401



A young bawd in a brothel did waken                         
To find her sex organs achin'.                              
She thought it Will's doing,                                
But all that rough screwing                                 
Was authored by Sir Francis Bacon.                          
                                                            
60743 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Getting Straight    P8401



Some amateur players, most brave,                           
A performance of Hamlet once gave.                          
Said a wag, "Now let's see                                  
If it's Bacon or he --                                      
I mean Shakespeare -- who's turned in his grave."           
                                                            
60744 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Linda Marsh Coll         



In many a sonnet the same                                   
You promised him immortal fame:                             
Your friend shall live always                               
In Time's sounding hallways.                                
But tell us, Will, WHAT was his name!                       
                                                            
60745 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Laurence Perrine    P8401



Some attribute Shakespeare's work to Bacon.                 
Even if true, why be shaken?                                
Just rejoice in the perk                                    
Of true genius at work.                                     
That's the given with which to be taken.                    
                                                            
60746 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



The author of Shakespeare is Bacon!                         
Though vast seems this great undertaking;                   
At dawn every day                                           
He'd work on a play,                                        
While William an essay was making.                          
                                                            
60747 SHAKESPEARE - BACON            Irving Superior     P8401



...receding forehead...the nostril swell...                 
The backward thrust of the cerebell...                      
The dental flaw...                                          
The jut of jaw...                                           
Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well.                        
                                                            
60748 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Irving Superior     P8401



Into my hands a used sweeper fell.                          
At its sight I expelled a pained yell.                      
It was frayed, badly worn,                                  
Just an object of scorn,                                    
"Alas poor Oreck, I knew him well."                         
                                                            
60749 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



Prince H. and the queen get betrayed;                       
King C. and his rogue get the blade.                        
The windbag -- deflated,                                    
Friends -- decapitated,                                     
And madness devours the maid.                               
                                                            
60750 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Lassies Lover            



His heart tied in torturous loops,                          
Hamlet fears he hears someone that snoops.                  
What ho!  It's a rat!                                       
Take this!  And take that!                                  
Oh!  Sorry, Polonius (oops).                                
                                                            
60751 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Lassies Lover            



King C. full of regal concern,                              
Sends Hamlet off, ne'er to return.                          
Guess who takes the whacks                                  
From the Englishman's axe?                                  
Good Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.                          
                                                            
60752 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Lassies Lover            



But nobody knows in advance                                 
Which is which, so I won't look askance.                    
If you said, that instead                                   
They cut off the heads                                      
Of good Guildenstern and Rosencrantz.                       
                                                            
60753 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Lassies Lover            



Prince Hamlet, that noble young Dane,                       
Was finally forced to complain                              
Of the sins of the court,                                   
Where incest was sport.                                     
In the end he got everyone slain.                           
                                                            
60754 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Problem Dear Henry  P8401



Hamlet was always delaying                                  
A sensitive family slaying.                                 
As eveyone dropped,                                         
He finally stopped                                          
The game that his uncle was playing.                        
                                                            
60755 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Nicol Mackintosh         



When all your dreams are busted bubbles;                    
When income halves or outgo doubles;                        
When there's no place to turn,                              
From William Shakespeare learn,                             
"Take alms against a sea of troubles."                      
                                                            
60756 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Irving Superior     P8609



For her Hamlet in drag, actress Clubb,                      
Learned her lines while immersed in the tub.                
Using Method a bit,                                         
She would finger her clit                                   
As she memorized "Ah, there's the rub"                      
                                                            
60757 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Jim Weaver Collection    



They've written some verse about me                         
In that lewd Limerick S I G,                                
And I'll bet my left tit                                    
And my whole mother-wit                                     
All the worst ones begin with "To be..."!                   
(S I G - special interest group)                            
60758 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Robin K. Willoughby P8402



The corpse had been blasted, yuh sees!                      
Autopsy was ordered by Police.                              
Small pellets were used;                                    
They are still confulsed --                                 
Was it BB's or not BB's.                                    
                                                            
60759 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Archie                   



That fellow named Hamlet is mad,                            
Who talks too damned much to his dad.                       
He does in Polonius                                         
In a manner felonious,                                      
And is toward Ophelia a cad.                                
                                                            
60760 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Warrick Elrod            



A thing that caused Hamlet to scowl                         
Was that Claudius also would prowl                          
The hens in the coop,                                       
To fill them with goop,                                     
Which, unhappily, murdered most fowl.                       
                                                            
60761 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Elmer L Fairbank         



Those critics of 'Hamlet', asked Lee,                       
Whose ridiculous pieces we see                              
As incredibly bad,                                          
Are they actually mad                                       
Or merely pretending to be.                                 
                                                            
60762 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           A. N. Wilkins       P8401



While musing over Yorrick's remains,                        
Such wisdom Prince Hamlet attains!                          
For life is so brief                                        
And death is the thief                                      
Who robs us of all our life's gains.                        
                                                            
60763 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Bob Mornington           



It took all the loins he could girder,                      
When Claudius thought he might squirt her.                  
He made to the King                                         
An offer to sing                                            
A tune, with an earful of murder.                           
                                                            
60764 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Badinage                 



Now Hamlet was a very odd lad,                              
Quite unable to avenge his dead dad.                        
But what's even more funny                                  
Was his lust for his mummy;                                 
An oedipus complex, he had.                                 
                                                            
60765 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Bobbob                   



Ophelia, feeling no pain,                                   
And freed from the need to abstain,                         
Declared it was better                                      
With big Irish setters.                                     
(She'd been fucked quite enough by Great Danes).            
                                                            
60766 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET                                    



The chief actors flew into rages                            
When the youngest of Claudius' pages                        
Fell through the trap door,                                 
For the fellow, they swore,                                 
Was constantly going through stages.                        
                                                            
60767 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           A. N. Wilkins       P8401



If the good that men do is interred                         
With their bones, and that's what I've heard,               
If this tale is true,                                       
Then all we need do                                         
Is dig them up.  Ain't that absurd?                         
                                                            
60768 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Al Willis           P9806



In Denmark there was a young prince,                        
Who could not his Ophelia convince.                         
So he really did press her,                                 
He fondled, undressed her,                                  
And she's been quite glad ever since.                       
                                                            
60769 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Bill Edwards        P9103



An actor, who's rather a duffer,                            
Wondered, "Is it far nobler to suffer,                      
Arrows and slings,                                          
And those sorts of things,                                  
Or just grab a bird and then stuff her?"                    
                                                            
60770 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Jim Weaver Collection    



Guildenstern and his pal Rosencranz                         
Went to Prince Hamlet's house for a dance.                  
He Ham introdu-                                             
ced 'em, he knew who was who                                
By the big G's and R's on their pants.                      
                                                            
60771 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Robin K. Willoughby P8402



The play, said Hamlet, is the thing,                        
Wherein I find the guilt of the king.                       
We'll put on a show;                                        
If his face doth glow                                       
I'll know he's behind Dad's passing.                        
                                                            
60772 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET                                    



Prince Hamlet thought uncle a traitor                       
For having it off with his Mater.                           
Revenge Dad or not -                                        
That's the gist of the plot -                               
And he did - nine soliloquies later.                        
                                                            
60773 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Stanley J Sharpless P8401



Did Ophelia ask Hamlet to bed?                              
Was Gertrude incestuously wed?                              
Is there anything certain?                                  
But the fall of the curtain                                 
Almost everyone's certainly dead.                           
                                                            
60774 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           A Cinna                  



Poor Hamlet!  It's fit to congeal ya,                       
To see what a hard fate can deal ya.                        
For what did him in,                                        
Was a prick in the skin,                                    
When the prick should have been in Ophelia.                 
                                                            
60775 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET                                    



Poor Ophelia sighed, "I deplore                             
The fact that young Hamlet's a bore.                        
He just talks to himself.                                   
I'll be left on the shelf,                                  
Or go mad by the end of Act IV."                            
                                                            
60776 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Frank Richards           



When the ghost told Hamlet of his killing,                  
For vengeance the son seemed unwilling.                     
This pathetic inaction                                      
Is the principle attraction                                 
To which Lit students so often go milling.                  
                                                            
60777 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Bobbob                   



Hamlet's pal was performing fellatio                        
And was stunned by his width-to-length ratio.               
Quoth the Dane, "I've more girth                            
Under Heaven or Earth                                       
Than you've ever dreamt of, Horatio!"                       
                                                            
60778 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Stargazer                



A thing that Prince Hamlet abhorred                         
Was having a mother who whored;                             
Though speculatory,                                         
It makes a good story                                       
So readers will seldom be bored.                            
                                                            
60779 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           R. J. Winkler       P8409



Brooding Hamlet seemed somehow star-crossed                 
In a life, at best, most tempest tossed.                    
As its plot did evolve,                                     
He performed with resolve,                                  
Fearing he who meditates is lost.                           
                                                            
60780 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



The quality of mercy's not strained,                        
But the look on its face is quite pained.                   
The modern generation                                       
Has caused consternation                                    
Since paradise has been regained.                           
                                                            
60781 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Tony Burrell             



Excuse me, dear Hamlet, for me                              
The question's not "Be, or to be?"                          
I'd fain leave today.                                       
Then why do I stay?                                         
I can't pay the burial fee!                                 
                                                            
60782 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Laurence Perrine    P8401



One morning, Shakespeare, on a whim,                        
Decided to compose a lim,                                   
But "To be or be not"                                       
Was as far as he got,                                       
So we won't get much more out of him.                       
                                                            
60783 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Jim Weaver Collection    



It's Hamlet that's mostly bereft,                           
For the new King is cunning and deft.                       
But when they're all done                                   
With their ponderous fun,                                   
There ain't hardly anyone left.                             
                                                            
60784 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Elmer Fairbank           



Polonius was quite wise as you'll see.                      
When from Denmark his son wished to flee,                   
His advice was quite clever,                                
For he said one should never                                
A lender nor a borrower be.                                 
                                                            
60785 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Bobbob                   



Hamlet's wit could seldom be beaten.                        
He killed Polonius and soon felt the heat on,               
So he said the poor sinner                                  
Had been detained at dinner,                                
But not where he ate but was eaten.                         
                                                            
60786 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Bobbob                   



Ophelia endeavored to sing                                  
As she leapt in the stream from her swing.                  
Her melodious lay                                           
That maleficent May                                         
Made her spring in the Spring in the spring.                
                                                            
60787 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Gately                   



Said Ophelia to the prince, "Now look, Hamlet,              
I fail to see mirth in this gambit!                         
The nunnery sounds grim,                                    
But methinks it's your whim!                                
I like it, sir, NOT! Not a damn bit!"                       
                                                            
60788 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Ystap                    



Ophelia, Ham's gal, was the one                             
Who off to flip out she did run.                            
While Ham talked to ghosts,                                 
She sat round and moped,                                    
Till he said, "Go live with the nuns."                      
                                                            
60789 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET                                    



Prince Hamlet, out walking his dog,                         
Spied Ophelia face-down in the bog;                         
The two noble Great Danes                                   
Used their brawn and their brains,                          
But, alas, she was snagged on a log.                        
                                                            
60790 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Robin K. Willoughby P8401



"To be," said young Hamlet the wit,                         
"Or not to be." (Snip out the shit.)                        
"Perchance I will dream                                     
Of bare bodkins and scream                                  
'Won't you give me Ophelia tit?'"                           
                                                            
60791 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Peter Wilkins            



A fellow with ghosts and some shamlets,                     
Lost his girlfriend, Ophelia, Poor lamb-let.                
Instead of taking a wife,                                   
He is stuck with a knife,                                   
Then orphaned and poisoned, poor Hamlet!                    
                                                            
60792 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           E Wolf                   



A scene Shakespeare addicts love to see,                    
And well worth waiting for, believe me,                     
Is that soliliquy                                           
Which begins with, "To be,"                                 
Not done peripatetically.                                   
                                                            
60793 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



A nosy old coot named Polonious                             
Thought to eavesdrop was good. (How erronious!)             
He got his comeuppance --                                   
For a ducat. (That's tuppence)                              
Hamlet sliced him like so much bolognious.                  
                                                            
60794 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Robin K. Willoughby P8402



"Egad!" said Polonius to Laertes,                           
He hugged him and gave him a nice squeeze.                  
"Here's my advice to you,                                   
To thine own self be true,                                  
Unless, more's the pity, you're big cheese!"                
                                                            
60795 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Ystap                    



An old Danish jester named Yorick,                          
Drank a gallon of pure paregoric.                           
"My jokes have been dull",                                  
He said, "But my skull                                      
Will one of these days be historic."                        
                                                            
60796 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Ogden Nash               



Did this line describe Yorrick best?                        
"A fellow of infinite jest."                                
It suits him quite well                                     
For a grin eternal,                                         
Which he wore during his disturbed rest.                    
                                                            
60797 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Phil T                   



Except on those days when it rains,                         
We actors stroll hedgerows and lanes,                       
Till, sat on a hillock, we                                  
Declaim the soliloquy                                       
Of Hamlet, the Prince of the Danes.                         
                                                            
60798 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Barrie Collins           



That "To be or not to be?" speech                           
Was really a bit of a reach.                                
The use of a knife,                                         
To take your own life,                                      
Is only what Samurai teach.                                 
                                                            
60799 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Larry Davis         P8604



Prince Hamlet from Old Elsinore                             
Had a problem he couldn't ignore.                           
He caught Uncle Claude                                      
With his Mama, the Bawd,                                    
And decided to settle the score.                            
                                                            
60800 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Arthur Deex         P8402



Young Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark,                        
Fell just a bit short of the mark.                          
He said to Ophelia,                                         
"Come her, let me heal ya,"                                 
But he missed -- 'twas a shot in the dark.                  
                                                            
60801 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Neal Wilgus         P8401



There was a young tourist named Cotton,                     
Whose travels would not be forgotten.                       
On a trip to Berlin,                                        
He enjoyed all his sin,                                     
But in Denmark, he found something rotten.                  
                                                            
60802 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Albin Chaplin   3024-1712



Poor Ophelia went out of her mind,                          
When for her father, she excessively pined.                 
Prince Hamlet's sword                                       
Pierced that so noble Lord,                                 
Through the curtain he'd been hiding behind.                
                                                            
60803 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Bobbob                   



Here's the question: to be or to not?                       
Since my Mom and my Unc tied the knot.                      
Time's arrows and slings                                    
Have just screwed up things.                                
My life's naught but a soap opera plot.                     
                                                            
60804 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Arthur Deex         P0312



Here's the question: to be or to not?                       
Is it better to suffer or rot?                              
For time's whips and time's scorn                           
Are too great to be born.                                   
On the other hand, death's not so hot.                      
                                                            
60805 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Max Gutman          P0312



When Hamlet soliloquized, he                                
Probed the essence of Life's mystery.                       
No doubt with a buzzin'                                     
I'm certain, because'n                                      
His "To bee, or not to bee."                                
                                                            
60806 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Ann Gasser          P9004



Prince Hamlet went down on one knee,                        
While Shakespeare went up him with glee.                    
The Bard, not quite straight,                               
Damaged Hamlet's prostate;                                  
Ham now questioned pee/not to pee.                          
                                                            
60807 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Tucker D. Ott       P9004



Prince Hamlet found spelling a tease.                       
He couldn't spell buter or chease.                          
Was it habit or habbit,                                     
And what about rabbit?                                      
Are there two B's or not two B's.                           
                                                            
60808 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Tiddy Ogg                



To the ordeal dealt cordial Cordelia                        
For "I won't declaare more than I feel."  Ya                
May want to compare                                         
One's fair maid  was  made fare,                            
In the fits that unfitted Ophelia.                          
                                                            
60809 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Laurence Perrine    P8401



That fellow from Denmark was mad.                           
Take, for instance, that talk with his dad.                 
Of attention the most                                       
He paid to that ghost,                                      
And the havoc it wrought was quite bad.                     
                                                            
60810 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Warrick Elrod            



This question occurred once to me --                        
To be, or perhaps not to be.                                
For if we are not                                           
We will soon be forgot,                                     
But if we're to be -- well, we'll see.                      
                                                            
60811 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Neal Wilgus         P8401



In Hamlet's soliloquy,                                      
He wonders in misery,                                       
If 'tis my fate                                             
To reincarnate,                                             
When, what am I to be.                                      
                                                            
60812 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Tiddy Ogg                



I may be a flea or a bee,                                   
Or a squirrel high up in a tree.                            
But I'll not be a mole                                      
In it's dark dirty hole;                                    
I'll never a burrower be.                                   
                                                            
60813 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Tiddy Ogg                



I love clever girls, they're such dears...                  
Told one I'd seen Hamlet...got cheers!                      
Then she asked, "Whose?"                                    
I thought...This a ruse?                                    
I replied, "Well I think 'twas Shakespeare's"               
                                                            
60814 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Bill wrote "All the world's a stage,"                   
Then went on to fill up the page.                           
Despite all his verses,                                     
Hamlet's curse is                                           
Too grave to ever ASSUAGE.                                  
                                                            
60815 SHAKESPEARE - HAMLET           Norm                     



That potty old Monarch, King Lear,                          
Was a martyr to chronic diarrhea.                           
He'd sit on the throne,                                     
Emit a loud groan,                                          
And nobody else would go near.                              
                                                            
60816 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Kevin Hale               



There was that fine Earl of old Kent,                       
A loyal, devoted Brit gent.                                 
He stood by King Lear                                       
Without any fear,                                           
But disaster just couldn't prevent.                         
                                                            
60817 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR                                 



There was an old monarch, King Lear,                        
Who was martyr to chronic diarrhea.  (dire rear?)           
He would sit on his throne,                                 
And emit a loud groan,                                      
And nobody else would go near.                              
                                                            
60818 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Bill Wall                



"King Lear had nephews/nieces dear                          
Who always call the King, 'Unk Lear.'"                      
My book report                                              
Was of this sort.                                           
Next to my failing grade: "UNCLEAR".                        
                                                            
60819 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Irving Superior     P8401



The stories in plays like King Lear                         
Were based upon plots, it is clear,                         
From "Holinhed's Lives                                      
Of Nobles and wives" --                                     
No help to a great sonneteer!                               
                                                            
60820 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        R. J. Winkler       P8401



What a trusting old chap was King Lear!                     
He'd no notion of what he should fear.                      
If a daughter said "Dearie,"                                
He should have been leery.                                  
He'd soon have to pay for that 'dear'.                      
                                                            
60821 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Laurence Perrine    P8401



That sorry old fellow, King Lear,                           
Had troubles which made him turn queer.                     
If he'd just gone away                                      
At the start of the play,                                   
We could all have grown tipsy on beer.                      
                                                            
60822 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Problem Dear Henry  P8401



I hope that I never shall hear                              
A play quite a gloomy as Lear.                              
But if necks were just wrung                                
Of bad daughters when young,                                
The King would have much less to fear.                      
                                                            
60823 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Warrick Elrod            



An obsession with sex took Shakespeare                      
Whenever he drank too much beer.                            
Then he'd write of a king                                   
Who was having a fling,                                     
And often he'd make the King leer.                          
                                                            
60824 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Neal Wilgus         P8401



Old Lear got more senile and hoary,                         
But that is just part of the story:                         
Two daughters disdained him,                                
Cordelia pained him --                                      
The rest of the story is gory.                              
                                                            
60825 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        R. J. Winkler       P8409



Both Lear and old Gloucester were blind                     
To how kindred are often unkind.                            
And only when blinded                                       
Or out of their mind, did                                   
The two learn true love of their kind.                      
                                                            
60826 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Laurence Perrine    P8401



King Lear, whose good mind went bad,                        
Had three daughters: one good, two bad.                     
"Two bad, one good,"                                        
The King would brood,                                       
"Two bad, one good -- too bad!"                             
                                                            
60827 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Irving Superior     P8401



Two sisters had learned how to flatter                      
And left old Lear flatter, not fatter.                      
The third could not falter.                                 
This caused Lear to fault her.                              
He'd yet to learn what matters matter.                      
                                                            
60828 SHAKESPEARE - KING LEAR        Laurence Perrine    P8401



Macbeth, with witchly connection,                           
Used murder to gain his election.                           
It came to no good                                          
With an ambulant wood,                                      
And a case of Caesarean section.                            
                                                            
60829 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Anon                     



When Shakespeare wrote plays like Macbeth,                  
He told of great carnage and death.                         
The audience thrilled                                       
As heroes got killed                                        
And horror left most out of breath!                         
                                                            
60830 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          R. J. Winkler       P8401



"That Dunsany Wood," said old Bill,                         
"Has migrated over the hill."                               
That claim's not rejected,                                  
And it generally accepted                                   
That Shakespeare's not mentally ill.                        
                                                            
60831 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH                                   



Three witches were stirring the cauldron,                   
When up comes that bloke they call Bald Ron.                
"I say, ladies fair,                                        
Can you grow me some hair?                                  
It's cold 'round my ear holes, dears," called Ron.          
                                                            
60832 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



The first hidious beldam grabbed, hauled Ron                
To the floor, stripped him off, and then mauled Ron.        
"Your Dunsany Wood,                                         
Stands up pretty good.                                      
Hey Sisters, you want to try Bald Ron?"                     
                                                            
60833 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



He lay their while each of the hags,                        
Bestrode him, and each one he shags.                        
Despite these tarts' putri                                  
fied warty foul uteri,                                      
His todger stands straight, never flags.                    
                                                            
60834 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



In a voice quite devoid of emotion,                         
Witch One says: "Yes, I've a notion,                        
We'll fry frog's eye, cool,                                 
Add newt's foot, toad's tool,                               
And liquidise into a potion."                               
                                                            
60835 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



He drinks it, this nauseous syrup,                          
While birds in the willow trees chirrup,                    
And rides homeward, slow...                                 
But his horse seem to grow,                                 
His feet soon don't reach to each stirrup.                  
                                                            
60836 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



Here's Lady MacBeth, feeling hot,                           
On the bed with her dog, while her twat                     
Enjoys the sensation                                        
Of canine fellation;                                        
Here's hubby, kicks dog, "Out damned Spot!"                 
                                                            
60837 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



It's nearly an hour since he scored,                        
So, rampant, he's leaping aboard;                           
But something is strange,                                   
His face, for a change,                                     
He finds 'twixt the breasts of his broad.                   
                                                            
60838 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



He left home, height six feet or more,                      
And now he's about five foot four.                          
As witches forboded,                                        
His hair is eroded                                          
By friction on headboard no more.                           
                                                            
60839 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



And thus, that strange potion proved true,                  
From henceforth his follicles grew.                         
Alas, what he drunken                                       
Made John Thomas shrunken,                                  
And that night he had his last screw.                       
                                                            
60840 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



So, males of the species humanity,                          
Take heed, for it's total insanity.                         
To lose what's down there                                   
For a head full of hair,                                    
Is a criminal sop to your Vanity.                           
                                                            
60841 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tiddy Ogg                



Macbeth stabbed his way to the throne,                      
But his conscience did not turn to stone.                   
His plot was undone                                         
By an oddly born son,                                       
And a forest than moved on its own.                         
                                                            
60842 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Nicole MacIntosh         



The Lady and the Lord Macbeth                               
Would pause their scenes and acts of death                  
To think of bygone days                                     
When simpler were their ways                                
And he was Mac and she was Beth.                            
                                                            
60843 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Irving Superior     P8401



There once was a Lady MacBeth                               
Who chewed garlic to sweeten her breath.                    
When she puffed through her bonnet,                         
No Shakespearian sonnet,                                    
But court callers died tragic death.                        
                                                            
60844 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          H. Kleidman              



How I pity that guy called Macbeth --                       
He must suffer with each mortal breath.                     
He issued commands --                                       
Now there's blood on his hands,                             
For he choked his poor rooster to death.                    
                                                            
60845 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Neal Wilgus         P8401



If Macbeth had been more of a man --                        
Prithee picture the play if you can --                      
In the place of ambition                                    
He'd have practiced coition,                                
And his Lady'd be laid with elan.                           
                                                            
60846 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Thomas A. Quinine   P8401



Jan MacDuff, a young man with great stuff,                  
Met a lovely Shakespearean buff.                            
In a year they were wed                                     
And the poor lad was dead.                                  
For she always cried, "Lay on, MacDuff                      
                                                            
60847 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH                                   



Lady Macbeth did chores, did she not?                       
Hating every plate and cooking pot.                         
Oh how she did complain,                                    
"I just washed you again.                                   
You're washed thrice, now out, out, out Spam dot?           
                                                            
60848 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Tom Patton    P0109 P0108



Bill said, "I'll concoct a new plot                         
And with Lady Macbeth cast my lot.                          
I've sown seed, so must reap                                
A somewhat troubled sleep,                                  
In which I'll mumble 'Out, out damned spot'."               
                                                            
60849 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Loren C Fitzhugh         



Said this Lady MacBeth to her spouse.                       
"Stick dat shiv in old Duncan, ya louse.!"                  
Yelled the crowd, "That's tragedy!"                         
With no refunds there had to be                             
Not a dry handkerchief in the house.                        
                                                            
60850 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Don Moore           P9009



To the banquet dead Banquo brought madness.                 
Unfit Macbeth's fit damped the gladness.                    
Halfway through the salad, he                               
Grew faint from his malady --                               
A ghastly return for his badness.                           
                                                            
60851 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          Laurence Perrine    P8401



Not noted for cooing and billing,                           
The lady was eagerly willing                                
To utilize death                                            
For love of Macbeth,                                        
So Lady Macbeth did the killing.                            
                                                            
60852 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          R. J. Winkler       P8409



Sweet William rode long in the stirrup,                     
While Lady Macbeth, with her fur up,                        
Defaced him with twat                                       
And suckled his knot,                                       
Until she uncorked his thick syrup.                         
                                                            
60853 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH                                   



An expert dry cleaner named Waring                          
Came to Lady Macbeth once declaring                         
That he'd work for the queen,                               
Keep her dresses all clean,                                 
And take out the spots without swearing.                    
                                                            
60854 SHAKESPEARE - MACBETH          A. N. Wilkins       P8401



I'll tell you the tale of a fellow,                         
Who hung round the local bordello,                          
In Venice, way back,                                        
In search of a crack                                        
To fit him.  His name was Othello.                          
                                                            
60855 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Tiddy Ogg                



A tart wandered up, said: "Hey Sailor;                      
I'll act as your codpiece unjailer.                         
I see that your prize                                       
Is one hell of a size;                                      
That's fine, my cunt's big as a whaler.                     
                                                            
60856 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Tiddy Ogg                



So soon then, they jump in the sack;                        
He takes her to heaven and back.                            
"How 'bout getting hitched?"                                
He asked, but she bitched:                                  
"My daddy won't like it!  You're black...                   
                                                            
60857 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Tiddy Ogg                



"And he's such a pointed-head bigot,                        
He won't want no African spigot                             
Exciting his daughter,                                      
'Cause he is the sort o'                                    
Dumb racist who just couldn't dig it."                      
                                                            
60858 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Tiddy Ogg                



No matter, they wed on the sly,                             
But jealousy strikes by-and-by.                             
Bill's tale of great angst                                  
Ain't worth half a wangst,                                  
But it ends where the pair of them die.                     
                                                            
60859 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Tiddy Ogg                



Who's Bill?  That old playwright of ours,                   
And he drags the thing out for hours.                       
So if you should go,                                        
To see such a show,                                         
Take rotten tomatoes, not flowers.                          
                                                            
60860 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Tiddy Ogg                



Othello, jealous, acts in haste                             
And pillows Desdemona's face.                               
If he but loose his grip                                    
Or let the pillow slip,                                     
The courts won't have a pillow case.                        
                                                            
60861 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Irving Superior     P8401



When first the Moor, Othello, sees her,                     
He figures out how best to please her.                      
So now when they embrace,                                   
A smile will crack her face.                                
He calls her Desdemona Lisa.                                
                                                            
60862 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Irving Superior     P8911



Margot, a dumb blonde from Cape Cod,                        
Had a quite brief encounter with Rod,                       
When he said, "Dear Margot,                                 
Let's watch Olivier play Iago."                             
She replied, "I think football's quite odd!"                
                                                            
60863 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          FCA                 T9712



Othello, Act Four, Second Scene,                            
Desdemona -- her husband was keen                           
To find if she'd sinned,                                    
When from Iago got wind                                     
That his wife wasn't faithful pristine.                     
                                                            
60864 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Hugh Clary               



Desdemona, disguised, met Othello                           
When he stopped at his favorite bordello.                   
She'd contracted clap                                       
From the unfortunate chap --                                
Now she gave it right back, the poor fellow.                
                                                            
60865 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Neal Wilgus         P8401



The Moor, Othello can't endure                              
A Scotland moor or ships that moor.                         
All "moors" fill him with ire                               
And he must now retire                                      
With Desdemona so demure.                                   
                                                            
60866 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Irving Superior     P8401



Old Othello, so terribly jealous,                           
Thought his wife did it with other fellas,                  
Yelled, "Whence cometh this hickey?                         
-- Who owneth this dickey?"                                 
Then he smothered her under some pillas.                    
                                                            
60867 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Robin K. Willoughby P8401



When Othello fell victim to jealousy                        
He instantly grew over-zealous.  He                         
Saw not the offense                                         
Was his own in a sense --                                   
A fallacy few jealous fellows see.                          
                                                            
60868 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Laurence Perrine    P8401



Desdemona was really so pure,                               
Wed to the uxorious Moor.                                   
But their poisoned relation                                 
Defied integration,                                         
And was something no busing could cure.                     
                                                            
60869 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Warrick Elrod            



And let me the canakin clink, clink,                        
And let me the canakin clink.                               
A soldiers a man;                                           
O life's but a span;                                        
Why then let a soldier drink.                               
(Othello - spoken by Cassio, Act II, Scene 3, lines 68-72)  
60870 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Shakespeare              



Othello loved Desdemona,                                    
But wrongly thought Cassio'd known her.                     
When a hanky went missing,                                  
There was an end to the kissing,                            
He snuffed her, but regretted his boner.                    
                                                            
60871 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          A. Cinna                 



Desdemona, a virtuous maid,                                 
Loved Othello, whom Iago betrayed.                          
Which caused him to think                                   
That his girl was a fink...                                 
Now one's strangled, one's dead, and one's slayed!          
                                                            
60872 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Prof M-G           TP9806



If Othello seemed overly cranky                             
In complaining about hanky panky,                           
Sigmund Freud would have known                              
And could clearly have shown                                
That his fetish was really the hanky.                       
                                                            
60873 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          A N Wilkins         P8708



Desdemona's a dandy, no doubt;                              
But when rumors are bandied about                           
That her favorite hanky                                     
Shares a hyphen with -panky,                                
First Othello, then she is put out.                         
                                                            
60874 SHAKESPEARE - OTHELLO          Thomas A. Quinine   P8401



Romeo lifted her sheet                                      
And found Juliet in great heat.                             
They made love until dawn.                                  
Quoth the girl in the morn,                                 
"That'll be 20 ducats, my sweet."                           
                                                            
60875 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Michael Weinstein   P8401



Now ordinarily the calmest of men,                          
Our hero sure blew his cool then;                           
With a curse and a yell;                                    
For he knew very well,                                      
Were he Capulet, 'twould only be 10.                        
                                                            
60876 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Michael Weinstein   P8401



Young Romeo had it real bad,                                
For his virginal Julie, (so sad).                           
She was only fifteen                                        
So he knew she was clean,                                   
With no sign of the pox or the crab.                        
                                                            
60877 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



So panting with lust he arrived,                            
At her house and while standing outside,                    
Shouted "Hey Julie, chick,                                  
I've got a hard dick,                                       
Come on, honey, you'll love a ride."                        
                                                            
60878 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



On the balcony Julie's dad appeared,                        
Looking frazzled, he'd been on the beer,                    
But the short-sighted beau                                  
Called up "Julie, that yo'?                                 
Get down here and jump on my spear."                        
                                                            
60879 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



The old drunkard climbed down the vine.                     
In the darkness, Ro' did not divine                         
Just what was to come.                                      
When J's dad bared his bum,                                 
And whispered "Take me from behind."                        
                                                            
60880 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



Sweet Julie came to the door,                               
And appalled at the sight that she saw,                     
Cried: "Romeo, you perv!                                    
How could you have the nerve                                
To court me?  You ass-fucking whore!"                       
                                                            
60881 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



Poor Romeo was now perplexed.                               
He'd never seen Julie so vexed.                             
But her old man just roared:                                
"Come here you dumb broad,                                  
There's plenty more, it's your turn next.                   
                                                            
60882 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



Now Julie at first simply cowered,                          
While Ro' in the corner just glowered.                      
So it soon came to pass,                                    
In the cunt and the ass,                                    
By her daddy, young J was deflowered.                       
                                                            
60883 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



That voyeur, Bill Shakespeare then hailed                   
The dad, saying "You'll be blackmailed.                     
For five thousand duc-                                      
ats, I'll hush up this fuck,                                
And if lucky you will not be jailed.                        
                                                            
60884 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



Well, I guess the old villain did pay,                      
'Cause in Willy's moth-eaten play,                          
If you search through the plot,                             
You'll find not a jot,                                      
Of the happenings upon that day.                            
                                                            
60885 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh Romeo, wherefore art thou?"                             
"I'm under the balcony, cow.                                
I'm picking a rose                                          
In my doublet and hose...                                   
And I ...  What do I say to you now?"                       
                                                            
60886 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET                          



(Aside) "What the hell do I say?"                           
"You say ..."  "Hush!"  (sotto voce) "Oy vey ..."           
"That's all?"  "No there's more;                            
You get down on the floor,                                  
Bend your knees and say "Love you"; OK?"                    
                                                            
60887 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET                          



"Julietta, I love you tonight ..."                          
(sotto voce) "My hose is too tight;                         
Can't get on my knees;                                      
It's too much of a squeeze                                  
And ... oh bugger this!" (exit stage right)                 
                                                            
60888 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET                          



So this was a "comedie de moeurs"                           
And poor Juliette, what about her?                          
Romeo got the frights                                       
Because of his tights;                                      
The thread shoud be "dramatic amateur"                      
                                                            
60889 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET                          



Montague and old Capulet viewed all                         
Time as a meaningful doodle.                                
Though Capulet's dance                                      
Was in late Renaissance,                                    
The relation between them was feudal.                       
                                                            
60890 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Laurence Perrine    P8401



When Romeo flirted with Julie,                              
Their parents declared them unruly;                         
Undaunted, he wooed her                                     
And bravely pursued her,                                    
Insisting, "I love you most truly."                         
                                                            
60891 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET R. J. Winkler       P8409



Said Romeo climbing the fence,                              
"I love you, but this makes no sense.                       
That damned wire has ripped                                 
My left ball and snipped                                    
Both my prepuce and vas deferens."                          
                                                            
60892 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET John Ciardi              



If you wonder why Romeo's there,                            
At her window instead of her stair:                         
With a breezy maneuver                                      
He might easily prove her                                   
Just the louver to let in some heir.                        
                                                            
60893 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET C. Webster Wheelock P8401



What light through crack doth appear?                       
That smell - Yes, my Juliet's near.                         
'Tis good that she's farted,                                
Her ass cheeks have parted,                                 
And sunlight shines out of her rear.                        
                                                            
60894 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET                          



Three youths crashed a ball.  Here's the "stat":            
Five deaths ensued upon that.                               
Both R. and J. died                                         
By vile suicide,                                            
And Mercutio was killed by a cat.                           
                                                            
60895 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Laurence Perrine    P8401



In an era of feuding by blood                               
Lived a nimble nymphet and a stud.                          
Yet for getting hormonal                                    
In their setting Veronal,                                   
They are tragically nipped in the bud.                      
                                                            
60896 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Francis D. Sails    P8401



'Twas a tragic and very sad fate                            
For the young lover, Romeo, late.                           
Denied of his bride                                         
Due to Montague pride,                                      
And refusals to Capitulate.                                 
                                                            
60897 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Gary Hallock             



Though risking some bone-jarring falls,                     
He climbed up the ivy-clad walls.                           
Alas, though, he slipped;                                   
Some tender flesh ripped;                                   
He lay looking up at his balls.                             
                                                            
60898 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Tiddy Ogg                



Then Romeo did lie there and moan,                          
Then thought, "I can sew them back on!"                     
Alas, it's too late;                                        
What's sewed is his fate;                                   
A bird took his balls and was gone!                         
                                                            
60899 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Floyd Moody              



Then Romeo, ball-less and bleeding,                         
Too late saw the caution sign reading:                      
"Be careful, m'lad,                                         
This wall, ivy-clad,                                        
Will render ye worthless for breeding."                     
                                                            
60900 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET                          



Oh, what a tangled web we weave                             
When first we practice to deceive.                          
When Juliet swallowed                                       
That portion there followed                                 
A Romeo who over-grieved.                                   
                                                            
60901 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Irving Superior     P9401



"But soft!  And what light through yon plate                
Glass window doth brightly conflate?"                       
Said Romeo, "Permitteth                                     
On my visage to sitteth,                                    
And perchance I'll divine what thy weight."                 
                                                            
60902 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Hugh Clary               



"To sleep on marble slab" must be                           
From Juliet, Act Five, Scene Three.                         
The scene where Mr. Romeo                                   
Lets all of his teardrops flow,                             
And then acts suicidally.                                   
                                                            
60903 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Irving Superior     P9806



Pity Romeo.  Why?  For love martyred!                       
And Malvolio likewise.  Both bartered                       
Their peace for a love                                      
They got little of --                                       
One star-crossed, the other cross-gartered.                 
                                                            
60904 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Laurence Perrine    P8401



The Montesques and Capulets                                 
Has Romeo in Juliet's.                                      
He finds beneath her tit                                    
A note, "I'm faking it,                                     
So start without me, signed "Regrets."                      
                                                            
60905 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Irving Superior     P9012



If Shakespeare were writing today,                          
Romeo would probably say:                                   
"Yo bitch, Juliet,                                          
Yo pussy is wet,                                            
So open up and swallow my spray!"                           
                                                            
60906 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Deep Goat                



The Bard once caused quite a sensation                      
With a question which launched consternation.               
As with that famed duet                                     
Romeo - Juliet,                                             
"Pray tell, just what's in an appellation?"                 
                                                            
60907 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Loren Fitzhugh      P0012



When Juliet speaks sad of heart                             
Young Romeo, his eyes up start.                             
Up up and when he sees                                      
There's dark beyond the knees,                              
Cries to the sun, "Oh, wherefore art...?"                   
                                                            
60908 SHAKESPEARE - ROMEO AND JULIET Irving Superior     P8401



There was a man called Aaron the Moor,                      
Who performed evil deeds by the score.                      
His being of no worth,                                      
They set him in the Earth,                                  
And then covered him with sand all o'er.                    
                                                            
60909 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Pervez Rizvi             



Philomel wove her rape in a rug;                            
Lucrece stabbed herself in the dug;                         
Lavinia, when violated,                                     
Got her raptors pie-olated...                               
Too bad about dad's fatal hug.                              
                                                            
60910 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Janet McLellan           



As a way of saying goodbye,                                 
Before he was going to die,                                 
Titus collected                                             
The ones he suspected,                                      
And baked them all into a pie.                              
                                                            
60911 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Marcus Marti             



In Titus many will die,                                     
Including an ill-favored fly.                               
But the play's biggest punch                                
Comes when Tamora's lunch,                                  
Includes her two sons in a pie.                             
                                                            
60912 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Alan Dessen              



Old Titus got angry that day,                               
'Cause Tamora had got in the way.                           
So he hacked and he hewed                                   
And he stuttered and stewed,                                
And he died.  Bloody shame.  Bloody play.                   
                                                            
60913 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Tad Davis                



Aaron said to Tamora, "Soft, a word.                        
What was that loud cry that I heard?                        
Are you in some pain?                                       
I pray you, explain."                                       
"Yes, I'm giving birth to your bastard!"                    
                                                            
60914 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Pervez Rizvi             



I'm glad Will decided to write us                           
An absolute villain to fright us.                           
The moor was sublime,                                       
But Aaron won't rhyme,                                      
So I had to write this about Titus.                         
                                                            
60915 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Roger Gross              



The ravished Lavinia lies bleeding.                         
Some timely first aid she is needing.                       
But Marcus, no nurse,                                       
Instead wraps her in verse.                                 
To much Ovid, it seems, he's been reading.                  
                                                            
60916 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Janet MacLellan          



She loved her new husband, for sure,                        
Though his sexual performance was poor.                     
But to quench her demand,                                   
She had Titus's hand,                                       
And her other amour was a Moor.                             
                                                            
60917 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Markus Marti             



Do you think Julie should be indicted?                      
Do you feel that her film was benighted?                    
Was it too hip by half?                                     
Did you puke?  Did you laugh?                               
Well, recall it was not copywrited.                         
                                                            
60918 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Roger Gross              



There once was a queen called Tamora;                       
Her story's of blood and of gore-a.                         
She ate her own sons,                                       
With pastry and buns,                                       
And she died right there on the floor-a.                    
                                                            
60919 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Melissa Cook             



Poor Lavinia, uable to speak                                
Without tongue, could do nothing but creak.                 
Without any hand,                                           
She wrote in the sand,                                      
But no one knew Latin or Greek.                             
                                                            
60920 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Markus Marti             



Most of Titus's sons are now dead;                          
Then his daughter is due to be wed,                         
But plans go astray.                                        
A bloodthirsty play!                                        
'Til the Empress at last is well-fed.                       
                                                            
60921 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Ray Lischner             



Doughty Titus comes home from the war,                      
Kills Alarbus to even the score.                            
Rape and murder ensue                                       
Plus a maiming or two,                                      
And the banquets got corpses galore.                        
                                                            
60922 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Douglas Lanier           



We mistakenly trusted that Titus                            
Intended to feed us, not fight us.                          
But he fought us with food;                                 
Chiron tasted good stewed,                                  
But Demetrius gave us colitis.                              
                                                            
60923 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Beth Bradburn            



As a general, he's expert in slaughter;                     
Yet his eyes cannot hold back their water.                  
He sits on a bench                                          
And swears bloody revenge,                                  
For his hand, all his sons, and his daughter.               
                                                            
60924 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Markus Marti             



Most brave and victorious Andronicus,                       
Whose wisdom can often astonish us;                         
Why'd you offer your hand                                   
To that vile Moorish man,                                   
Whose dagger so swift fell upon it, thus?                   
                                                            
60925 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Douglas Lanier           



The story of Titus is yucky;                                
He wasn't what you would call lucky.                        
He'd twenty-five sons,                                      
And lost all but one.                                       
His future, it looked rather mucky.                         
                                                            
60926 SHAKESPEARE - T ANDRONICUS     Melissa Cook             



Will's unmerry wife was bestraught,                         
So 'A Lover's Complaint' she upbrought:                     
"I do 'What You Will'                                       
'As You Like It' and still                                  
Thy rod and 'Falstaff' comfort naught.                      
                                                            
60927 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Kathleen A. Martin  P8401



"If the 'Measure For Measure' is oblique,                   
'Tis the four plays before that be weak;                    
Such a fine frontispiece                                    
For the 'Rape of Lucrece!"                                  
Then she brought his bare bodkin to cheek.                  
                                                            
60928 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Kathleen A. Martin  P8401



"To be or to not!" she did scream.                          
All the 'Hamlet' could hear, it would seem:                 
A 'Pill of Grim Passion'                                    
Is not what I fashion                                       
To be 'A Midsummer Night's Dream!'"                         
                                                            
60929 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Kathleen A. Martin  P8401



Their 'Twelth Night' of marriage drew nigh:                 
"Something 'Moor'" said dear Anne with a sigh.              
"If thou shew me the skill                                  
Thou possesseth with quill,                                 
What a merry young wife would be I!"                        
                                                            
60930 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Kathleen A. Martin  P8401



Kind gentlemen, begging your pardon,                        
Is it far to the Forest of Arden,                           
Where men in accord                                         
With the will of their lord                                 
Turn the wilderness into a guardin'?                        
                                                            
60931 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



Instead of obeying "Milord"                                 
To get herself rumored and bored,                           
She sheared off her tresses,                                
And put off her dresses,                                    
And took up a dagger and soared!                            
                                                            
60932 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



First Cleopatra grasped the hasp                            
That loosed her dress then grasped the asp                  
That she'll to bosom press.                                 
And then when living less,                                  
Her gasp she rasped, they grasped her gasp.                 
                                                            
60933 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8401



Cleopatra - 30 BC                                           
Caesar wept as did Anthony.                                 
"A lovely face, just                                        
A lop-sided bust,                                           
With neither one of them a 'D'".                            
                                                            
60934 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8401



When Cleo wrapped a rug around                              
And the rug by Caesar's found,                              
To Persia Caesar hies.                                      
More 9 x 12's he buys,                                      
Unrolling as he's homeward bound.                           
                                                            
60935 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8401



"Heterosex is bologna,                                      
And I love my new chartreuse kimono!"                       
"If you mean what you say,                                  
We must needs change the play                               
To 'The One Gentleman of Verona'.                           
                                                            
60936 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8401



There was never a need for Falstaff                         
To tell jokes to make everyone laugh.                       
He could keep a straight face                               
And be ultra-straight lace,                                 
But his every remark was a gaff.                            
                                                            
60937 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Neal Wilgus         P8401



Blow trumpets! It's just as I told 'yer:                    
John Falstaff has gone for a soldier.                       
In the hot summer sun                                       
He, like butter, will run,                                  
Yet be bound for a shelf in the Folger!                     
(Folger Library - superb Shakespeare Library in Wash, D.C.) 
60938 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurince Perrine    P8401



That notorious rakehell John Falstaff                       
Has an undersized, not-very-tall staff,                     
But the gay wives of Windsor                                
Say, "When he puts it in, sir,                              
What a ball, for that small staff is all staff!!"           
                                                            
60939 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8402



When Caesar heard BEWARE THE IDES --                        
So many ides (brides, tides) -- besides,                    
He must The Forum go.                                       
Outside he does not know,                                   
Inside there hide his homicides.                            
                                                            
60940 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8401



The propman, with sophomore wit,                            
Pulled the "dagger switch bit."                             
When the star turned around                                 
And a real blade he found,                                  
Quoth Caesar, "Et Tu..Holy shit!"                           
                                                            
60941 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Michael Weinstein   P8401



Though Webster may make a refuttal--                        
The source of the nasty word 'brutal'                       
Is Caesar's "Et tu..."                                      
Translated: "Screw you                                      
And all of your vicious kaboodle."                          
                                                            
60942 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P9406



We too could be famous like Brutus                          
If there had been time to include us.                       
But all those knives flying                                 
And he busy dying,                                          
There just was no time to ET TU'd us.                       
                                                            
60943 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8903



There once was a Roman named Brutus                         
Who said, "I think Big Julie's screwed us."                 
So he joined in the queue                                   
To give Caesar his due..                                    
And at that point Big Julie 'et tu'd us.                    
                                                            
60944 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Arthur Deex         P9002



"This is serious!  Caesar is dead!"                         
The grieving Marc Anthony said.                             
"Kindly cease all your jeers!                               
I said 'Lend me your ears!'                                 
I didn't say, 'Give me some head!'"                         
                                                            
60945 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8401



As Caesar crossed the Rubicon,                              
"With VENI VIDI VICI gone                                   
And not to be surpassed,                                    
I'll use THE DIE IS CAST                                    
And save ET TU for later on."                               
                                                            
60946 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8401



Marc Anthony, it now appears                                
Was one of Rome's fruitiest queers.                         
Though his speech often tends                               
Toward misquote, he said, "Friends,                         
Romans, countrymen, lend me your rears."                    
                                                            
60947 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Michael Weinstein   P8401



There was an old maid name of Minnie                        
Who chanced to observe a lad skinny                         
As he beat on his meat,                                     
So she said, "Come in sweet;                                
That is love's labor lost, you dumb ninny."                 
                                                            
60948 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Albin Chaplin 3024  P8401



A pederast fairy named Puck                                 
Picked the Titus Snug Bottom to fuck.                       
With his prick in that bum,                                 
Did this wicked way come,                                   
But his Love's Labour's Lost 'cause he's stuck!             
                                                            
60949 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Kathleen A. Martin  P8401



Major poets have penned troves of treasure.                 
Musicians, too, increased our pleasure.                     
Be it Shakespeare or Brahms,                                
Sonnets, symphonies, psalms.                                
Both composed or wrote "Measure for Measure."               
                                                            
60950 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



Confessing that Measure for Measure                         
Has never afforded me pleasure;                             
I know I despise                                            
What others may prize,                                      
And read as a source of great treasure.                     
                                                            
60951 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     R. J. Winkler       P8401



Oh pity, poor Shylock demanding                             
(Antonio's ships never landing)                             
He be lawfully paid,                                        
Seeing high hopes betrayed                                  
By a terrible Miss understanding.                           
                                                            
60952 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



Two princes woo Portia to wed                               
But choose to go wifeless instead.                          
How boldly they acted!                                      
But see them attracted                                      
By gold and silver miss lead!                               
                                                            
60953 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



Portia came off to some as contentious,                     
And to Shylock as very pretentious.                         
But when she made the plea,                                 
"Quality of mercy,"                                         
There were few thought those words portentious.             
                                                            
60954 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Loren Fitzhugh      P0205



The suitors arrived in consortia.                           
All wanted a portion of Portia.                             
In fact, although proud,                                    
She was so well endowed,                                    
A portion of Portia would scorch 'ya.                       
                                                            
60955 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



Our hero to creditor, Shylock:                              
"Of pity and compassion, why talk?                          
Though legally bound                                        
Of my flesh, just one pound,                                
Not one drop of blood shed from my cock."                   
                                                            
60956 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8707



To Shylock: "The one pound you own,                         
With my cock I'll repay your loan."                         
To Portia: "Please rub                                      
The end of my stub."                                        
To Shylock: "One pound but NO bone."                        
                                                            
60957 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8707



Said a hunter of deer name of Tennyson,                     
"In my time I have slaughtered right many, son.             
Then I butcher the meat                                     
Which I sell as a treat.                                    
I am known as the Merchant of Venison."                     
                                                            
60958 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Al Chaplin          P9702



Regarding the nympho type mania,                            
In Shakespeare (no author germane-ier                       
On sex--the off beat),                                      
In Midsummer's... meet                                      
The Queen of the Fairies, Titania.                          
                                                            
60959 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P9603



Pity Bottom raised out of his class,                        
With an ass's head on him, alas!                            
Though beloved by a Queen                                   
For a brief summer's scene,                                 
He later was put out to grass.                              
                                                            
60960 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



Dear Bottom, the weaver, alas!                              
You've been given the head of an ass.                       
Long ears, you have got 'em,                                
But bear in mind, Bottom,                                   
At bottom, you're no horse's ass.                           
                                                            
60961 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



Oh, Shakespeare's love life, 'twould seem,                  
Was something not quite on the beam.                        
Too lazy to fuck,                                           
Not wanting to suck,                                        
He preferred A Midsummer Night's Dream.                     
                                                            
60962 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS                              



Midsummer's Night Dream's like a fever,                     
When good old Bottom the weaver,                            
Slipped his huge member out                                 
And up the Queen's spout                                    
Without her knowing.  Who would believe her.                
                                                            
60963 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Stephen Cordwell         



Fair Thisbe's condition is worse.  See,                     
She's producing a note from her purse; "He                  
Said, 'Meet me!' I fear a mis-                              
take's made!  My Pyramus                                    
's lost in the wilds of New Jersey."                        
                                                            
60964 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8401



'Tis impossible for me to let                               
The Immortal Bard seem like a get;                          
Our dear friend, Dr. Deex                                   
Misquotes Will when he speaks --                            
M. N. D. wasn't hard, it was wet!                           
                                                            
60965 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8401



Once Shakespeare awoke with a scream,                       
His underclothes dripping with cream.                       
'Twas just a commission                                     
Of nocturnal emission                                       
Which he dubbed, "A mid-slumber Night Stream".              
                                                            
60966 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS                              



'Twas Bacon who actually wet                                
His drawers while he peacefully slept.                      
Thought the jury's still out,                               
There is not a doubt                                        
That it helped Franky to deal with his fret.                
                                                            
60967 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS                              



Richard, worst of old England's maxi-                       
mum bad guys, a humpty-back Rex -- he                       
Was losing the battle,                                      
So he yelled, "Fiddle-faddle!                               
Forget the horse!  Call me a taxi!"                         
                                                            
60968 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8402



At Epsom Downs at every loss,                               
You'll William Shakespeare come across.                     
"Alas and woe" is heard                                     
But mostly Richard Third,                                   
Act V -- "My kingdom for a horse."                          
                                                            
60969 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8401



When varlets called King Richard "Dick,"                    
The synonyms made Richard sick.                             
To them he was hard on!                                     
Not one would he pardon!                                    
With poison their skin he would prick.                      
                                                            
60970 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Irving Superior     P8401



In this tale of mystery and death,                          
Romeo lusts for Lady MacBeth;                               
Juliet's murder foul,                                       
The police on the prowl,                                    
To discover who's taken her breath.                         
                                                            
60971 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Joel D Ash               



The suspects are much more than two;                        
Much ado about who, but no clue.                            
Hamlet may be involved,                                     
And before this is solved,                                  
You must add even old Montague.                             
                                                            
60972 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Joel D Ash               



Juliet was both rich and a bitch,                           
With an itch for a frequent beau switch;                    
Hecate hated her guts,                                      
She drove all witches nuts.                                 
Did they kill her? -- Who knows? -- And which witch?        
                                                            
60973 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Joel D Ash               



Time of death, in the midst of mealtime,                    
After drinking a lemon and lime;                            
Poison clearly was used,                                    
But the glass when perused,                                 
Showed no fingerprints solving the crime.                   
                                                            
60974 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Joel D Ash               



Alibis that turn out airtight;                              
Romeo out of town for the night;                            
Witches all avouched,                                       
Hamlet safely couched,                                      
Denoument is not within sight.                              
                                                            
60975 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Joel D Ash               



With the end of this poem drawing near,                     
Who and why still remain most unclear.                      
Shakespeare shaking his head,                               
As he heads back to bed.                                    
On the morrow he fingers King Lear.                         
                                                            
60976 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Joel D Ash               



Shakespeare's plays are quite lewd;                         
To life in the raw they allude.                             
Merry wives are a pleasure,                                 
Measure for measure,                                        
And shrews that are tamed...they get screwed!               
                                                            
60977 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Jim Weaver Collection    



"Though amusing, the Shrew is a gaff                        
Against women, too sexist by half.                          
Do you still want to see it?"                               
"Yes, if we agree it                                        
Is quite understood we won't laugh."                        
                                                            
60978 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



"To avoid matrimonial disaster                              
And let marriage ties hold a lot faster,"                   
Said Kate to her sister                                     
Bianca, and kissed her,                                     
"Just acknowledge that MISTER means MASTER."                
                                                            
60979 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



The works of "The Bard" are all great,                      
But "Taming of Shrew" opened late.                          
The casting was done                                        
All there, except one;                                      
No actor was found to placate.                              
                                                            
60980 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Gary Hallock             



Gentle Kate was the last one he wanted                      
Though her dowry was most highly vaunted.                   
When she'd rant, rage and rail,                             
Lesser suitors would quail.                                 
Brave Petruchio, though, was undaunted.                     
                                                            
60981 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



Sweet Kate was a number-one shrew,                          
But Petruchio knew what to do;                              
He whetted his tongue                                       
On a spot near her bung;                                    
After that, he'd say "Blow!" and she blew.                  
                                                            
60982 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8402



"Kiss me!" I cried to dear Kate.                            
"Let us each other not bait!"                               
"Too late for that now.                                     
You dissed me and how!                                      
Petruchio!  With you I'll not mate!"                        
                                                            
60983 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Tutta Gioia              



In the Bard's "The Taming of the Shrew",                    
When Petruchio asked, Kate said, "Screw                     
You and don't annoy                                         
Me. Go find a young boy                                     
Because that's what I'm most prone to do."                  
                                                            
60984 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9711



The pig-nuts that Caliban dug                               
Had a crazy effect on his mug.                              
His teeth got much longer,                                  
His breath became stronger,                                 
And his seizeable nose became pug.                          
                                                            
60985 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8401



The pitiful Caliban cried,                                  
Since Miranda would not be his bride;                       
He wailed, "I'll turn fairy; I'll                           
Take up with Ariel!"                                        
So he did, and got AIDS, and then died.                     
                                                            
60986 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Robin K. Willoughby P8401



By the very oddest of flukes,                               
The shipwrecked 'mid voices and spooks,                     
Were on the same isle                                       
With the royal exile.                                       
Said Prospero, "Put up your dukes!"                         
                                                            
60987 SHAKESPEARE - ZOTHER PLAYS     Laurence Perrine    P8401



Jack thought that Jill waxed her twat                       
With care, all the way to the slot.                         
But she'd alopecia                                          
Affecting her creasia.                                      
A lucky girl, Jill, was she not?                            
                                                            
60988 SNATCHES - BALD                Marlene Lewis       P0109



A gourmet with doubts was beset,                            
When he climbed into bed with Annette.                      
As he viewed her crotch bare,                               
He exclaimed in despair,                                    
"I'm afraid that this pussy's been et."                     
                                                            
60989 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-1759



There was a young lady of Lee,                              
Who scrambled up into a tree,                               
When she got there,                                         
Her asshole was bare,                                       
And so was her C U N T.                                     
(Published 1870)                                            
60990 SNATCHES - BALD                                    L0058



There was a young girl from Manatch                         
Who liked to jerk off with a match;                         
But she got so excited,                                     
The damn thing ignited,                                     
And burnt all the hairs off her snatch!                     
                                                            
60991 SNATCHES - BALD                Carl Bleisch             



A lesbian woman named Carrie,                               
Hooked up with a dyke they call Mary.                       
Seems these gals misbehaved,                                
Had their pussies clean shaved,                             
Now Carrie and Mary aren't hairy.                           
                                                            
60992 SNATCHES - BALD                Bob Birch           P0107



The snatch of the Countess Dumore                           
Was bald as the knob on the door.                           
Said the Duke, in surprise,                                 
As he parted her thighs,                                    
"No doubt it's because of the war."                         
                                                            
60993 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-0120



I hear that the girls in St. Louie                          
Have twats that are really quite gooey;                     
Filled with big wads of come,                               
And their paramours gum,                                    
'Cause pubic hairs cause them to ACHOOIE.                   
                                                            
60994 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



I don't want to cause any strife;                           
I won't flame you, or cut with my knife,                    
But, Scott, cease your telling.                             
You cause me head swelling!                                 
One St. Looie gal is my wife!                               
                                                            
60995 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



But with her there is no ACHOOIE,                           
No reason to ever PATOOIE!                                  
Not one little hair                                         
Will you find down there;                                   
She shaves it off so it's more chewy.                       
                                                            
60996 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



A woman without any fur,                                    
You won't catch me stroking, no sir.                        
Them deserts are hell                                       
So I might as well                                          
Just bury my tool in a cur.                                 
                                                            
60997 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



I date a young gal, Antoinette                              
Who shaves herself, using Gillette.                         
Then she rubs on some cream                                 
Till her pussy's a-gleam,                                   
And ends with a douche vinaigrette.                         
                                                            
60998 SNATCHES - BALD                Tutta                    



I've sworn off of eating small fairies;                     
My preference now is canaries                               
With occasional mice                                        
(I chomp on them twice),                                    
And a pubis that hasn't got hairies!                        
                                                            
60999 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Licking Shaved girls is my favorite vice;                   
So much so, I posted it thrice.                             
It wasn't on purpose;                                       
I just love to service                                      
A freshly shaved pussy on ice.                              
                                                            
61000 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



There was a young lady of Tring,                            
Who sat by the fire to sing.                                
A hot piece of charcoal                                     
Flew right up her arsehole,                                 
And burnt all the hair off her thing.                       
                                                            
61001 SNATCHES - BALD                                    L1227



When I did it, I was about twelve.                          
I wanted to look like an elf.                               
No lover around                                             
To simply astound;                                          
Just did it to amuse myself.                                
                                                            
61002 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Melissa has shaved off the fringe                           
Of small curls that surrounded her minge.                   
But it's far from delightful                                
And looks pretty frightful;                                 
Not somewhere I'd put my syringe.                           
                                                            
61003 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



To a whore a young fellow named Pitt                        
Complained that her crotch was not fit,                     
For her cunt had no wool;                                   
Said the whore, affable,                                    
"Did you come her to fuck or to knit?"                      
                                                            
61004 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-1631



A pubescent young lady from Murray,                         
Sighed, "I sure wish my cunt would get furry.               
Each day with great care  (I'll not wait till I marry)      
I count every hair,       (To get rid of my cherry--)       
But, darn it!  The fur just won't hurry!"                   
(I'm going to get fucked in a hurry!"                       
61005 SNATCHES - BALD                                    G0408



I thought I might post here a lim                           
Writ in praise of the hairier quim.                         
But I won't -- I prefer                                     
Them denuded of fur.                                        
If they ain't, then I give them a trim.                     
                                                            
61006 SNATCHES - BALD                Peter Wilkins            



Depends on how rough is the stuff,                          
Or the carpet of fluff 'round the muff.                     
But I've scissors and shears,                               
Even mowers with gears                                      
Which I use if the shag-pile is tough.                      
                                                            
61007 SNATCHES - BALD                Peter Wilkins            



A hirsute young lass from Saskatchewan,                     
Shaved her snatch until her whole thatch was gone.          
But the winters were cold;                                  
Her lips chapped, I am told;                                
So she glued on some hair just to patch it on.              
                                                            
61008 SNATCHES - BALD                Stephen Ross             



There once was a girl from Shoalhaven                       
Whose cunt was totally shaven.                              
The length of the groove                                    
Was all slippery and smooth,                                
For a man's cock, a heavenly haven.                         
                                                            
61009 SNATCHES - BALD                Andrew Sidney            



An obliging young trollop from Surrey                       
Whose sex area's bare, though once furry.                   
Explained, "I don't mind it,                                
For it helps clients find it,                               
When one them gets in a hurry.                              
                                                            
61010 SNATCHES - BALD                Grand Prix Lim   49      



I'll bet that you guys are appalled                         
Or dismayed or whatever it's called.                        
While Lear might approve                                    
As a brilliant smooth move,                                 
For a groove that is both bald and balled.                  
                                                            
61011 SNATCHES - BALD                John Miller              



A gal with a plucked mound of love                          
Said to the guy hovering above,                             
"I have an addiction                                        
To avoiding all friction,                                   
For it makes for a lovelier shove..."                       
                                                            
61012 SNATCHES - BALD                Grand Prix Lim  702      



An astute obstetrician named Baugh                          
Shaved the crotch of his mother-in-law.                     
Since it wasn't as firm as                                  
His own epidermis,                                          
He asked her to make it go "Nyawww!"                        
                                                            
61013 SNATCHES - BALD                                    G2252



Charlotte's henna-hued merkin was rare;                     
It was made of her natural hair.                            
It covered her quiff                                        
From ass to midriff,                                        
And was parted in the middle for air!                       
                                                            
61014 SNATCHES - BALD                Stan                     



Old Nader one time was appalled                             
On finding his harlot was bald.                             
Said old Nader, "I think                                    
I will raise a big stink."                                  
And the whores who were bald were recalled.                 
                                                            
61015 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-1430



If you want to be my sex slave,                             
And do naughty things that I crave,                         
I'll say this real nice,                                    
Only once, not twice,                                       
Please go have yourself a clean shave.                      
                                                            
61016 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



There was a young female named Ware,                        
Who cut off her pubical hair.                               
Then to save the men trouble,                               
She razored the stubble,                                    
But none of the men seemed to care.                         
                                                            
61017 SNATCHES - BALD                                    L1556



An overworked harlot was Lizzie,                            
Who left a young man in a tizzy;                            
For her pussy was bare                                      
And her answer was, "There                                  
Is no grass on a street that is busy."                      
                                                            
61018 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-0521



You may think me perverted and crude,                       
But I love pussy shaven and smooth.                         
'Cause I love to eat                                        
Lots of pink meat,                                          
And who want that hair in his food?                         
                                                            
61019 SNATCHES - BALD                Possum             TP9802



A perverted boss-whore in North Durham                      
Said, "Hiring new whores, I de-fur 'em.                     
A closely-shaved twat                                       
Get the men twice as hot,                                   
And our aim is to sexually stir 'em."                       
                                                            
61020 SNATCHES - BALD                                    G1843



There once was a fellow named Herby,                        
Whose girl wore a bowtie and derby.                         
And like it or not,                                         
She'd a clean-shaven twat.                                  
So I guess old Herby has no furby.                          
                                                            
61021 SNATCHES - BALD                Eddie                    



A pussy just ain't gonna purr,                              
Unless it has plenty of fur.                                
With nothing to stroke,                                     
It's merely a joke.                                         
And I won't be laughing, no sir!!                           
                                                            
61022 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



A shaved one, however, is choice                            
My opinion I doth freely voice                              
Not a hair to be found                                      
On her pubic mound                                          
Into the sheets I do bound!                                 
                                                            
61023 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Excuse me for being so blunt..                              
My liking of hair is no front!                              
I am in a hurry                                             
To mount something furry,                                   
So piss-off, you're spoiling my hunt.                       
                                                            
61024 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Some snatches prefer to go hairless,                        
In order that they may then wear less.                      
But I'm not appalled                                        
By a pussy shaved bald;                                     
It's still pussy, so I couldn't care less.                  
                                                            
61025 SNATCHES - BALD                MrMalo                   



An avid bridge player astute,                               
Observed his opponent so cute                               
As she raised up her dress                                  
To promote a finesse,                                       
But he noted it was not hirsute.                            
                                                            
61026 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-1931



Young Bert was checking out the girlies,                    
And dropping them all off quite early.                      
Till he asked sweet Lydia,                                  
"Please tell me why didya                                   
Shave off all of your short and curlies?"                   
                                                            
61027 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Seeing how you've been peeking                              
The answer that you are a-seeking:                          
It won't tickle you nose                                    
Or your long hose,                                          
When juices I am a-leaking!                                 
                                                            
61028 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



I'm peeking and feeling what's leaking,                     
And downwards your panties I'm sneaking.                    
And when it is bare,                                        
Be sure I'll be there                                       
With what it is you have been seeking!                      
                                                            
61029 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



I'm impressed by the rod that you hold,                     
And your advances are really quite bold.                    
But hang on a mo,                                           
'Fore my fanny I show --                                    
Warm your hands, they are far too cold!                     
                                                            
61030 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



The warm spot I've found is the best;                       
Now that you are partly undressed                           
And both of these mounds                                    
Have warmth that abounds,                                   
Please warm both my hands on your chest.                    
                                                            
61031 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Caress my chest with your hand,                             
My God! that feels just grand.                              
And when you are done,                                      
Don't forget your tongue,                                   
And place it down there on my gland!                        
                                                            
61032 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Now both of those mounds have a point;                      
I'll find one more point to anoint.                         
Around it my tongue                                         
Will bring you unstrung,                                    
And soon you will cry for my joint.                         
                                                            
61033 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Nice of you to notice my nips,                              
And place your tongue on the tips.                          
Now don't be afraid                                         
But if you want to get laid,                                
Place your head 'tween my legs and take sips.               
                                                            
61034 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



Her drawers she was putting a patch on                      
When 'twas remarked that no hair had her snatch on.         
She blushed with chagrin,                                   
"Don't know where my beau's been,                           
And don't want anything for the crabs to catch on."         
                                                            
61035 SNATCHES - BALD                Straydog                 



We were shocked that the cunt of old Carrie                 
Was all bare, where it once had been hairy.                 
She'd been screwed by a barber,                             
Just east of Bar Harbor--                                   
Now of barbers old Carrie is wary.                          
                                                            
61036 SNATCHES - BALD                Grand Prix Lim  924 G2289



As the barber trimmed the kid's hair of gold,               
He gave out a cookie to hold.                               
Concerned, he said "Looky,                                  
Is there hair on your cookie?"                              
She said, "Thilly, I'm just four years old!"                
                                                            
61037 SNATCHES - BALD                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0310



Well spare a thought just for poor me,                      
Whose pubics hang pitifully.                                
I rub on manure,                                            
But one thing for sure,                                     
Last count, I had only three.                               
                                                            
61038 SNATCHES - BALD                Marlene Lewis            



A long time ago I shaved mine                               
And I thought I looked just fine;                           
Virginal and pure                                           
I looked demure,                                            
But when they grew - PORCUPINE!                             
                                                            
61039 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



He's climbing Mount Baldy again.                            
This jerk's such a pervert, 'cause when                     
He has these gals shave,                                    
He thinks he's so brave,                                    
Pretending they're children of ten.                         
                                                            
61040 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



There was a young lady called Kate,                         
Who shaved her venereal gate.                               
The result was that bristles                                
As sharp as Scotch thistles,                                
Protected her virginal state.                               
                                                            
61041 SNATCHES - BALD                Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from New Haven,                       
Whose pubic hair was not shaven,                            
But missing because                                         
She slept without drawers,                                  
Within range of a nest-building raven.                      
                                                            
61042 SNATCHES - BALD                John Ciardi              



Old Ginger just loved pubic hair,                           
And would rub at his girlfriend's with care.                
Though she loved it too,                                    
She'd cry if she knew                                       
Old Ginger was rubbing her bare!                            
                                                            
61043 SNATCHES - BALD                C M                      



A well-worn old trollop was Fairless,                       
Her pussy was shabby and hairless,                          
But she said, "You can see                                  
It's for others, not me,                                    
And besides, when it's dark I could care less.              
                                                            
61044 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-1506



There was a young boy name of David;                        
You could say he's not well behave'd.                       
He snuck up 'hind his sitter;                               
On her head he did hit her;                                 
When she woke up, her crotch had been shave'd.              
                                                            
61045 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



There once was a fellow named Hatch,                        
Who preferred eating snatch with no thatch.                 
So he shaved off her pubes                                  
Before licking her tubes,                                   
And when asked if the liked it said, "Natch!"               
                                                            
61046 SNATCHES - BALD                Lims For Year - 01       



Miss Sadie Furbush woke one morn                            
To find that her pussy'd been shorn.                        
"That damned Homer Gurley --                                
I knew he was squirrelly                                    
When he poked me last night with dried corn."               
                                                            
61047 SNATCHES - BALD                Jeanie                   



So Sadie phoned up her friend Rosie                         
Rottencrotch, who lived down by Posey.                      
"Rosie, I've been de-haired!                                
My fun hole's been bared!                                   
Homer done it when I was all dozey!"                        
                                                            
61048 SNATCHES - BALD                Jeanie                   



"Now Sadie, you settle right down!"                         
Said Rosie.  "There's no need to frown.                     
Some gents like it slick                                    
When they sticks in their dick;                             
Slick pussy is really downtown!"                            
                                                            
61049 SNATCHES - BALD                Jeanie                   



"You think so?" said Sadie, "No foolin'?                    
I know one thing -- it's mighty coolin...                   
I reckon it suits                                           
Old Homer, 'cause shoot;                                    
Here he comes in the door, just a droolin'!                 
                                                            
61050 SNATCHES - BALD                Jeanie                   



A girl with a quite bushy snatch                            
Began to itch and to scratch;                               
She shaved off her hair                                     
Till her pussy was bare,                                    
And was left with a very bald snatch.                       
                                                            
61051 SNATCHES - BALD                Sylvia Honig             



Now you know why I shave my snatch clean;                   
It has nothing to do with hygiene.                          
Not worry about plucking,                                   
I can stress the sucking,                                   
And lick both his balls in-between.                         
                                                            
61052 SNATCHES - BALD                S C Saint                



Poor Greta should take more care                            
When poking around down there.                              
Had she been more astute                                    
At inspecting her chute,                                    
She'd still have all her pubic hair.                        
                                                            
61053 SNATCHES - BALD                Jim Weaver Collection    



Alas for the countess d'Isere,                              
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.                      
Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"                          
When he parted her thighs;                                  
"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."                    
                                                            
61054 SNATCHES - BALD                                    L0176



There's a lovely young lady named Brenda                    
Who frequently shaves her pudenda,                          
So it's not a surprise                                      
That the boys all surmise                                   
That surrender is on her agenda.                            
                                                            
61055 SNATCHES - BALD                John E Mayhood      P9807



There's nothing wrong with a clean fuck                     
Or a bald hootie/bare cootie suck.                          
A shave 'neath the prong                                    
Is tactilely strong,                                        
And esthetically like a plucked duck.                       
                                                            
61056 SNATCHES - BALD                H Whelchel               



There was a young girl from East Wrangle                    
Who got her snatch caught in a mangle.                      
It tore off the hair                                        
And left her cunt bare,                                     
And at a most peculiar angle.                               
(mangle - an ironing device of the 1930's)                  
61057 SNATCHES - BALD                                    G2006



The appeal of a whore from Shalot                           
Was the absence of hair on her twat.                        
It was as smooth as a ream,                                 
Not through shaving or cream,                               
But through all of the fucking she got.                     
                                                            
61058 SNATCHES - BALD                Stephen Cordwell         



The police arrested young Suzie,                            
For being a militant floozie.                               
They took off her clothes,                                  
But no record shows,                                        
There was fuzz on the top of her coozie.                    
                                                            
61059 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



A maiden from old Krasnoyarsk                               
Said her pussy hair grew a bit sparsk.                      
So she grafted a patch                                      
From her scalp to her snatch,                               
But it always hung out of her drawrsk.                      
                                                            
61060 SNATCHES - BALD                Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady named Kay                            
Whose smallpox had caused her dismay.                       
What had been so hirsute                                    
Was now bald as a coot,                                     
So she wore a triangle toupee.                              
(also called a merkin - McW)                                
61061 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin 3024-0497  



At twelve you shaved your pubic hair,                       
To leave yourself looking so fair?                          
Twelve's so far away                                        
Can't think to this day,                                    
If I had hair growing down there.                           
                                                            
61062 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



It may have been a bit more;                                
To be honest, I'm really not sure.,                         
It just made me scoff,                                      
I shaved it all off,                                        
I found pubic hair such a bore.                             
                                                            
61063 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



But then when my fanny was bare,                            
And I no longer had any hair,                               
It grew again.                                              
And that was when                                           
It tickled beyond compare!                                  
                                                            
61064 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



I hate to be rather blunt,                                  
But no matter how hard you hunt,                            
You'll not find a hair                                      
Any where down there,                                       
If you use Burma Shave on your cunt!                        
                                                            
61065 SNATCHES - BALD                Mr. Malo                 



A girl with a pussy quite bare,                             
Told friends, "I really don't care,                         
'Cause I snatched my doll's wig,                            
Which is not very big,                                      
Glued it on, and now I have hair."                          
                                                            
61066 SNATCHES - BALD                Anon                     



There was a young butcher named Seaver,                     
Whose gal craved a clean shaven beaver.                     
He would soap up her crotch;                                
With a mirror she'd watch,                                  
As he shaved her blond pube with his cleaver.               
                                                            
61067 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



When she sat on her brand new bidet,                        
To adjust it she knew not the way.                          
The pressure down there                                     
Uprooted the hair,                                          
So her pussy is bald to this day.                           
                                                            
61068 SNATCHES - BALD                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



When shaved, did your lover just spurn                      
You when he had taken his turn?                             
What's that you said?                                       
"Is your poor face red?                                     
Well, how do YOU like whisker burn?"                        
                                                            
61069 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



While loaded from drinking some scotch,                     
She shaved all the hair from her crotch.                    
She now goes to work in                                     
A henna-hued merkin                                         
That matches the face of her swatch.                        
                                                            
61070 SNATCHES - BALD                Stan                     



A learned young fucker named Ferrer                         
Would fuck like an unholy terror.                           
No hole would he spare,                                     
Without or with hair,                                       
Thus leaving no margin for error.                           
                                                            
61071 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-0695



There was a young maid of New Liskered,                     
Who claimed she had never been friskered.                   
But a man stood aghast                                      
When her skirt cam unfast                                   
For her pussy was worn and dewhiskered.                     
                                                            
61072 SNATCHES - BALD                Albin Chaplin   3024-0566



Melissa's young sister Christine                            
Shaves her pussy remarkably clean;                          
But unlike young Melissa's,                                 
Her pussy is bliss as                                       
I plunge in my throbbing machine.                           
                                                            
61073 SNATCHES - BALD                                         



The chief charms of a whore in Shalot,                      
Was the absence of hair on her twat.                        
She kept it smooth-looking,                                 
Not by shaving or plucking,                                 
But by all of the fucking she got.                          
                                                            
61074 SNATCHES - BALD                                    L1689



A sea cruising widow named Hassage                          
Declared that her quim needed massage.                      
The ship's masseur, vile,                                   
Did the job with a file,                                    
And gave her a very rough passage.                          
                                                            
61075 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2696



An arrogant wench from Salt Lake,                           
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.                    
She was finally the prize                                   
Of a man twice her size,                                    
And all she remembers is the ache.                          
                                                            
61076 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



There was a young man of Manhasset,                         
Whose life seemed excessively placid.                       
On day, just for fun,                                       
He raped an old nun,                                        
And filled up her crevice with acid.                        
                                                            
61077 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 L1713



A sexy young woman called Eve                               
Wore her pussy upon her left sleeve,                        
And her heart on the right                                  
For doubled delight,                                        
And something else you won't believe!                       
                                                            
61078 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



Her good friend Alonzo said: "Eve,                          
I am drawn to the scent of your sleeve.                     
May I kiss your left wrist?                                 
Oh please? I insist!                                        
It's the highest bliss I could achieve."                    
                                                            
61079 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



Said Eve to Alonzo, "You may                                
Kiss me first on the right and then play                    
Your tongue up and down                                     
The left sleeve of my gown,                                 
But make sure that you do it all day."                      
                                                            
61080 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



Said Alonzo to her, "Darling Eve                            
All day long's far too short for your sleeve.               
Is the rest of your life                                    
(If you'll just be my wife)                                 
Long enough?  Otherwise I must leave."                      
                                                            
61081 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



Said Eve to Alonzo, "Please stay."                          
Both my sleeves say: "Don't go away.                        
You're melting my hips                                      
With the touch of your lips                                 
On my sleeves. Please continue, I pray."                    
                                                            
61082 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



Said Alonzo, "I can't get enough,                           
And I'm charmed by this sweet little ruff...                
So I shall, (by your leave)                                 
Warm my face in your sleeve                                 
As one warms one's hands in a muff."                        
                                                            
61083 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



Said Eve to Alonzo, "Sweet chap,                            
Leave my sleeve, come, and lie in my lap.                   
Though your ardour's not cooled,                            
I fear you've been fooled                                   
By this poetic metaphor crap."                              
                                                            
61084 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



A vicious old codger in Natchez                             
Delightedly lights pads of matches,                         
Which he'll poke in the panties                             
Of cousins and aunties,                                     
Where it singes their thatches in patches.                  
                                                            
61085 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Grand Prix Lim  235      



For a ball, a young lady named Bess                         
Got dressed in a newspaper dress.                           
She got close to a joker,                                   
A most careless young smoker,                               
And he burned her sport section, no less.                   
                                                            
61086 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1760



There was a coed from McMurray,                             
Whose pussy was big, hot and furry.                         
She screwed eighteen boys,                                  
Ten Jews and eight goys,                                    
But her pussy burned out in a hurry!                        
                                                            
61087 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Laurence Craft           



A pre-medical coed of Dallas                                
Fell in love with a large pickled phallus.                  
In anatomy lab                                              
She lay on a slab                                           
And developed a vaginal callous.                            
                                                            
61088 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Allan Ottley, 1975       



A venturesome fellow named Jock                             
Picked up a loose girl in Iraq.                             
Due to moral decay                                          
Her right tit fell away,                                    
And her pussy came off on his cock.                         
                                                            
61089 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1799



There once was a girl named Doris,                          
Who sang and danced in a chorus.                            
She fell on her ass,                                        
On top of a glass,                                          
And cleanly removed her clitoris.                           
                                                            
61090 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Flytyer                  



There was a respected old colonel                           
Who screwed a young lady cavernal.                          
But she had a relapse                                       
And her twat did collapse,                                  
So he noted the facts in his journal.                       
                                                            
61091 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-0670



But Lota, an old whore from China,                          
Has got a contorted vagina.                                 
To fit in her crack,                                        
You have to lay back,                                       
But the feeling just couldn't be finer.                     
                                                            
61092 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Tim Fisher               



For the contest, the judge did instruct                     
That the beauties at first must be fucked.                  
Then proceed to compare                                     
For the orifice wear,                                       
And for holes that are worn, points deduct.                 
                                                            
61093 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-2126



There was an old lady named Rideout,                        
Whose pussy had never been tried out.                       
It took the same shape                                      
As a plum or a grape,                                       
Which had lain in the sun until dried out.                  
                                                            
61094 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1383



While ashore a young sailor named Gore                      
Picked up a loose woman, a whore.                           
To his utter dismay,                                        
Both her tits fell away,                                    
And her pussy dropped down to the floor.                    
                                                            
61095 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1787



A promiscuous princess named Alice                          
Kept lovers all over her palace.                            
But her hole became hard                                    
And her pleasure was marred,                                
When she developed an embarassing callus.                   
                                                            
61096 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Ester M. Lelper     P8407



An episiotomy slip                                          
Caused Sadie to loosen her grip.                            
She then said with a pout,                                  
"My tampon fell out,                                        
And now I have post-coital drip.                            
                                                            
61097 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Sam Pittman              



From a madam, a fellow named Gore                           
Selected her lowest priced whore.                           
When he gave her a goose,       (To his utter dismay,)      
Her right tit came loose,       (Both her tits fell away)   
And her pussy dropped down to the floor.                    
                                                            
61098 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1784



The whimsies of dirty old Spink                             
Are lower by far than you think,                            
For the genital zone                                        
Of a girl from Athlone,                                     
He's filled with indelible ink.                             
                                                            
61099 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2515



Never again shall I hunt                                    
For the cleanest, most savory cunt.                         
If what I can snatch'll                                     
Fit into this satchel,                                      
I'll get what I desperately want!                           
                                                            
61100 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



An impish young fellow named James,                         
Had a passion for idiot games.                              
He lighted the hair       (He lighted the rim)              
Of his lady's affair,     (Of his granfmother's quim,)      
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.               
                                                            
61101 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



As a maiden from South Buffalo                              
I get jolly by squatting in snow                            
In up to my hips.                                           
I've delightful blue lips,                                  
When it's 30 degrees and below.                             
                                                            
61102 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



For you I'll write love notes in reams,                     
And we'll use your gauge as it deems                        
To warm up the rim                                          
Of my little blue quim,                                     
If you're the snowman of my dreams                          
                                                            
61103 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



It's all very well, don't you know,                         
For women to squat in the snow.                             
If I pee when it's chilly,                                  
It shrivels my willy.                                       
Trust me, its not much of a show.                           
                                                            
61104 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



It's already twelve inches deep,                            
(Can't even get out with a jeep.)                           
If you like to squat,                                       
In the snow, we've got,                                     
Plenty, it's piled up in heaps.                             
                                                            
61105 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



But be careful, you are aware,                              
That icy cold crystals on hair,                             
And pretty pink meat,                                       
Is not such a treat,                                        
If you get frostbite down there.                            
                                                            
61106 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



You've been bad, old grouch Ebeneezer!                      
Keeping your dead wife in the freezer.                      
Though she's terribly rigid,                                
And incredibly frigid,                                      
Frozen pussy, I hear, is a pleaser.                         
                                                            
61107 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             CyberCelt           T9712



My goodness, poor old Granny Dot!                           
Who needed a warm indoor pot                                
To piss in...Had she                                        
Managed a pee,                                              
She'd of frozen a rope to her twat.                         
                                                            
61108 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Tutta Gioia              



An intrepid old man of Azores                               
Engaged one of the dirtiest whores.                         
In her twat was a blight                                    
Which he licked with delight,                               
And he fucked all her festering sores.                      
                                                            
61109 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1239



In front of the fire sat Rose                               
Attempting to thaw out her toes.                            
It was thirty below,                                        
When she fucked in the snow,                                
And her pussy was fucking near froze.                       
                                                            
61110 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-2268



There once was a gal from Nantucket                         
Who's pussy was too big to fuck it.                         
I put my arm in real quick;                                 
And it did the trick.                                       
But a turd came out where I stuck it...                     
                                                            
61111 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



A crusader's wife of Chertsey,                              
Made a really remarkable curtsy;                            
She twirled round and round,                                
Till she sank to the ground,                                
For the locks on her box really hurt, see.                  
                                                            
61112 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Edwardian Leer 022  P9306



There was a young girl named McNavity                       
Who was born with no vaginal cavity.                        
She was no good for fucking                                 
But an expert at sucking,                                   
And superior for asshole depravity.                         
                                                            
61113 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin 3024  G1005



Weathergirl Angela Gore                                     
Said, "Oh my dear, it's a bore.                             
When a cold weather front                                   
Just blows up my cunt,                                      
It makes it quite itchy and sore."                          
                                                            
61114 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Anon                     



The prison's new warden, Joe Rusty,                         
Was head-over-heels for a busty                             
Old matronly guard,                                         
Till, out in the yard,                                      
He found that her pussy was dusty.                          
                                                            
61115 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Travis Brasell           



A charming young lady named Brenda                          
Was always prepared to surrender;                           
But too frequent insertion                                  
Plus a dash of perversion,                                  
Produced a distorted pudenda.                               
                                                            
61116 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Harald S. Green     P8510



To the doctor a lady of Dallas                              
Showed her cunt with an oversize callous.                   
Said the doc, "It appears                                   
You have spent a few years                                  
With a man with a very hard phallus."                       
                                                            
61117 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-2958



I had a good time with Miss June,                           
Yet told her to leave me, and soon.                         
We made love unencumbered;                                  
Her days were are numbered;                                 
Her puss looks now like a dried prune.                      
                                                            
61118 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



A thifty old lady, so chubby,                               
Was saving her cunt for a hubby.                            
But too long she had tarried                                
And the man that she married,                               
Complained that her cunt was too grubby.                    
                                                            
61119 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1708



Have you checked out their collars and cuff,                
'Cause some girls just like to bluff.                       
Take a peek at their snatch                                 
For a mis-colored patch,                                    
Or a touch up that's done very rough.                       
                                                            
61120 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



There was a young lady named Greenery                       
Who slaved all day long in a beanery.                       
Then she worked in a factory                                
But she found it distractory,                               
For her monkey was wrenched by machinery.                   
                                                            
61121 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-0462



While having some tail, Mr. Baird,                          
Was asked by his maid how he fared.                         
He said, "Fit as a fiddle,                                  
But the next time we diddle,                                
I suggest that you have it repaired."                       
                                                            
61122 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1755



A whore spent three months in confinement,                  
Her cunt was way out of alignment,                          
And the doc did admit                                       
He could not help a bit,                                    
So she peddled her ass on consignment.                      
                                                            
61123 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-0425



There was a young lady named Perkin,                        
Who swallowed an extra-large gherkin.                       
Now she doesn't spend much                                  
On Kotex and such,                                          
On account of her drain isn't workin'.                      
                                                            
61124 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 L1207



There was a young lady of Ulva,                             
Whose sexual feelings were null.  Va-                       
Ginal climaxes                                              
Came as rarely as taxis,                                    
And she'd nothing but void in her vulva.                    
                                                            
61125 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Barbara E. Goff          



There was a young whore I call Mar,                         
Who once left my zipper ajar.                               
She left in a rush                                          
While clutching her bush.                                   
I hope her poor cooter don't scar.                          
                                                            
61126 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



A damsel who sailed the Pacific,                            
When the cocks in her cunt grew prolific,                   
Exclaimed, "This is fun,                                    
But it's wearing on one.                                    
The strain on my twat is terrific!"                         
                                                            
61127 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G0713



There was an old codger named Hector,                       
Who paid a young gal to inspect her.                        
With a cunt that was grand                                  
She could handle one hand,                                  
But two were too much and it wrecked her.                   
                                                            
61128 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



The wife of a fellow named Mel                              
Was struck with a bad, sickly spell.                        
Sometime later that day,                                    
He attempted a lay,                                         
But her cunt was not working too well.                      
                                                            
61129 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-2190



There was an old lady, God bless her,                       
Who tried to jump over a dresser.                           
She caught her tail                                         
On a eightpenny nail,                                       
A ripped her "p, i, double-ess-er"                          
                                                            
61130 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                G1648a



There was an old spinster named Perkins                     
Whose gardener gave her some gherkins,                      
And times without number                                    
She tried his cucumber,                                     
Which pickled her internal workin's.                        
                                                            
61131 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2183



The unfortunate Duchess of Kent,                            
Had a cunt so dreadfully bent,                              
The poor wench did stammer,                                 
"I need a sledgehammer                                      
To pound a man into my vent."                               
                                                            
61132 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 L0179



An uptight young lady named Breerley                        
Who valued her morals too dearly,                           
Had sex, so I hear,                                         
Only once every year,                                       
And she strained her vagina severely.                       
                                                            
61133 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin 3024  G1530



"Oh doc," wailed a woman named Lunt,                        
"I'm blushing, but let me be blunt.                         
The worst of mishaps:                                       
My rectal prolapse                                          
Has pushed through the walls of my cunt."                   
                                                            
61134 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Armand E Singer       746



I once met a lady in Leicester.                             
I took her back home and undreicester.                      
But I ran off to Brough                                     
When I found that her mough                                 
Was riddled and starting to feicester.                      
                                                            
61135 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



At last, when his moaning was stifled,                      
He groaned, "I would never have trifled                     
With Hortense, the whore,                                   
And gotten so sore,                                         
If I'd known her vagina was rifled.                         
                                                            
61136 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2055



Last evening young debutante Jayne                          
Spread wide her legs without strain,                        
But failed to remember                                      
That she was so limber,                                     
And ripped her young self right in twain.                   
                                                            
61137 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Travis Brasell           



This morning, Jayne let out a laugh,                        
While searching for her leftside calf                       
And quipped, "Oh, my soul!                                  
I haven't a (w)hole --                                      
There's nothing there now but a half!"                      
                                                            
61138 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Travis Brasell           



There once were two portly bitches,                         
Who tightened their snatches with stitches.                 
It all went quite well                                      
Till one of them fell,                                      
And ripped both her cunt and her britches!                  
                                                            
61139 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Hoagy                    



There was a young butcher named Marvin,                     
An expert on choppin' and carvin'.                          
He'd cut the sex parts                                      
Off young pussies and tarts,                                
And send them to folks who were starvin'.                   
                                                            
61140 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2420



There was a young man from St. James                        
Who indulged in the joliest games;                          
He lighted the rim              (the hair)                  
Of his grandmother's quim,      (of his lady's affair,)     
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.               
                                                            
61141 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



A most stubborn woman, named Simon,                         
Refused all advances made by men.                           
She finally did unlatch,                                    
When a guy took a match,                                    
Setting fire to the hair near her hymen.                    
                                                            
61142 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Tom Patton          P9708



I met him each day by the creek.                            
We did you know what, for a week.                           
I didn't keep score,                                        
But my cunny is sore,                                       
'Cause seven days makes a hole weak.                        
                                                            
61143 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Jim Weaver Collection    



A peculiar man, name of Dave,                               
Tried to give his girlfriend a shave.                       
He fucked up a bit                                          
When he nicked her clit;                                    
She feels shit, when he spelunks her cave.                  
                                                            
61144 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Jim Weaver Collection    



The snatch of a waitress named Pips                         
Bottomed out just an inch past the lips.                    
Though her muff was not deep,                               
She cried nary a peep,                                      
'Cause she made a good living on tips!                      
                                                            
61145 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                      



The dork of Dirk Dorgan of Deal                             
When removed from a gal, will reveal                        
Something fractured and flabby                              
And skint up and shabby...                                  
But in twenty-four hours, it'll heal.                       
                                                            
61146 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Grand Prix Lim  273      



There was a young flapper named Bunny                       
Who asked, "What is wrong with my cunny?                    
I've tried fornication                                      
With men of each nation,                                    
But my twitchet's still itchy -- it's funny."               
                                                            
61147 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G0276



An equestrian starlet named Barr,                           
Said, "My act's made me, sexwise, bizarre!                  
Since my two bareback steeds                                
Move at different speeds,                                   
I've been stretching a good thing too far.                  
                                                            
61148 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Jim Weaver Collection    



At the circus, a stunt girl Miss Barr                       
Displayed antics that made her a star,                      
But her ride on two horses                                  
Heading opposite courses --                                 
It was stretching a good thing too far.                     
                                                            
61149 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Al Chaplin 3024     P8711



There was an old seamstress forlorn,                        
Whose asshole was weathered and worn.                       
She so oft had been deedled                                 
That she sweezed and she wheedled,                          
And her pussy was tattered and torn.                        
                                                            
61150 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1780



Into an abandoned distillery                                
Went Meg, with a hotpants named Hillary                     
On a sexual bender                                          
Which got her tail tender,                                  
Due to Hilary's exemplary artillery...                      
                                                            
61151 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Grand Prix Lim  619      



I know a young lady named Kitty,                            
There she lies on the beach, very pretty.                   
"Say, listen," she blurts;                                  
"Pull it out, please; it hurts!                             
You've been laying in the sand and it's gritty."            
                                                            
61152 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2030



A certain young priestess of Ming                           
Said, "Concerning the rape of Nanking:                      
Every Jap in North China                                    
Has explored my vagina--                                    
It's so sore, I can't powder the thing!"                    
                                                            
61153 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G0699



Now Lucille from around Sacramento                          
(Her vagina a bit like a bent "O"),                         
Would incline to the left                                   
As one entered the cleft,                                   
But would writhe to the right as she went "Oh!"             
                                                            
61154 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Keith MacMillan     A021A



A hot lady pilot named fender,                              
Just back from a sexual bender,                             
Told horny Joe Gale                                         
"Right now it's no sale,                                    
For my damaged tail section's too tender."                  
                                                            
61155 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Grand Prix Lim  666      



The wife of a Viking in Norway,                             
Was caught taking a nap in a doorway.                       
"When you make the attack,                                  
Let it be from the back,                                    
Because lately the front way's the sore way."               
                                                            
61156 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 L1113



A Venus -- a bit Junoesque --                               
Stripped down at the local burlesque.                       
Her tits were tremendous,                                   
Her bottom stupendous,                                      
But her cunt was a trifle grotesque.                        
                                                            
61157 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2379



There was a young woman of Kent                             
Whose cervix got frightfully bent,                          
'Cause she reached in too far                               
With a five-cent cigar,                                     
Which was not worth the money she spent.                    
                                                            
61158 SNATCHES - DAMAGED                                 G2382



Said the doctor with fingers so deft,                       
As he probed in an old lady's cleft,                        
"From the wear, I would say,                                
It's eroding away,                                          
And you only have fourteen fucks left."                     
                                                            
61159 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1772



Worn so bad was the cunt of Miss Bliss,                     
That she found it a strain just to piss.                    
Said old Doctor McBounter,                                  
As he started to mount her,                                 
"You have thirteen fucks left after this."                  
                                                            
61160 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Albin Chaplin   3024-1761



The sex pot of Tilly the Trull,                             
Strikes her boyfriends as feeling quite dull,               
Which is true beyond doubt,                                 
For when they were passed out,                              
The one Tilly got was a cull.                               
                                                            
61161 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Grand Prix Lim  423      



A Scotsman discovered a pisshole                            
Anbd said: "I rather fancy this hole."                      
In vain did he labor                                        
To insert his caber;                                        
The pisshole did bristle with thistle.                      
                                                            
61162 SNATCHES - DAMAGED             Tony Burrell             



I've been fitted with bionic sheath!                        
You can feel it in here, underneath.                        
It's programmed to snap                                     
And to wrap and entrap,                                     
And to nibble with it's tiny teeth!                         
                                                            
61163 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



I can change the settings to suit                           
The shape and the size of the flute!                        
With stainless steel shell,                                 
Ball bearings as well,                                      
Oh Sweet P, is she not a beaut?                             
                                                            
61164 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



So how do you like your new Pet?                            
I'm still the same old girl and yet,                        
I've got this new switch.                                   
There's only one hitch --                                   
We can't get the l'il sucker wet.                           
                                                            
61165 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



There once was a woman named Lang                           
Whose vagina equipped with a fang.                          
At time during intercourse,                                 
She'd decide to divorce                                     
Her partner's body from his wang.                           
                                                            
61166 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Puff Adder               



Now some people call me a 'ho.                              
That just ain't the truth, don'tcha know?                   
You can gag me up top,                                      
But that ain't gonna stop                                   
The gnashers I've hid down below.                           
                                                            
61167 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



My pussy is big, black and furry                            
And toothy, which makes my men worry.                       
But gently I sooth them;                                    
It only chews them,                                         
If they're in too much of a hurry.                          
                                                            
61168 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl of Belgrade,                         
With teeth in her snatch where she played.                  
An old dentist named Block                                  
Lost the end of his cock,                                   
As he probed for the tooth that decayed.                    
                                                            
61169 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-1757



A toothsome young lady named Morse                          
Had teeth in her snatch like a horse.                       
If a man was obscene                                        
She would bite it off clean,                                
But good fuckers feared nothing, of course.                 
                                                            
61170 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-1805



While swimming, an eel breeched her tights,                 
Now lives in her and peps up her nights.                    
It causes no pain                                           
And she doesn't complain --                                 
But her beaux do, the fucking thing bites!                  
                                                            
61171 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Chris Bolivar            



The eel sometimes comes up for air,                         
Midst all of that curly dark hair,                          
And what a surprise                                         
To all of the guys,                                         
When they encounter it there                                
                                                            
61172 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Chris Bolivar            



There's the curious case of Miss Blake,                     
Whose cunt got a craving for cake;                          
At the ball of the Thayers,                                 
It swallowed three layers,                                  
Which would seem a grave social mistake.                    
                                                            
61173 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Vassar W. Smith     P9504



"Such poor manners are not of our notch!"                   
Protesting, declared Mrs. Hotch.                            
Said her husband, "'Twas rude,                              
And left us no food,                                        
But it sure gave us something to watch!"                    
                                                            
61174 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Vassar W. Smith     P9504



There was an old whore name of Brown,                       
Whose pussy could smile or could frown.                     
If a fellow was bust                                        
It would sneer with disgust,                                
But it smiled if he put twenty down.                        
                                                            
61175 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0409



Michelle is a buck-toothed wonder;                          
She makes even grown men chunder.                           
But worse than her mouth,                                   
Is what is down south;                                      
It's those extra teeth way down under.                      
                                                            
61176 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Archie                   



My eminence stood at full-cock                              
Until you first lifted your frock.                          
The sight of those teeth                                    
Gnashing down underneath,                                   
Has caused me to go into shock!                             
                                                            
61177 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



"Remember that lady from Venus,                             
Whose body fit nicely between us?"                          
Said Barney to Fred,                                        
"She sure gave nice head,                                   
But her tooth-laden twat hurt my penis!"                    
                                                            
61178 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Anon               TP9806



A wantin' young wanton named Dale                           
Kept a gopher snake hid in her tail.                        
When guys tried to woo                                      
It snuck out and yelled "BOO!"                              
Which made mighty he-men turn pale!                         
                                                            
61179 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Sex to Sexty        P8808



Beware of Christina. Perhaps                                
You've been tempted to open her flaps,                      
And stick Thomas inside.                                    
But her cunt is supplied                                    
With incisors; so watch it, they snaps!                     
                                                            
61180 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



A despondent old fellow of Twinning                         
Sought to bolster his image by sinning.                     
The old madam showed whores                                 
And said, "Pick one, she's yours."                          
So he picked one whose pussy was grinning.                  
                                                            
61181 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-1684



"Let's go to see Jaws, " said Miss Hunt,                    
"A show about sharks, that is blunt."                       
Said her man, graciously                                    
"I would much rather see,                                   
The jaws that you find in a cunt."                          
                                                            
61182 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0475



Said the gay Chatelaine of Shalott,                         
"I wish I had teeth in my twat.                             
For just think", said she,                                  
How nice it would be,                                       
To keep all the pricks that I got.                          
                                                            
61183 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                 L1534



A harlot was thoroughly vexed                               
By a man who had left her perplexed.                        
In his sordid adventures                                    
He had lost both his dentures,                              
Which surprised the old man who was next.                   
                                                            
61184 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0894



Now you've gotten that off of your chest.                   
You may think that your pussy's the best,                   
But its only a sheath                                       
And unless it has teeth,                                    
It's no different from all of the rest.                     
                                                            
61185 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



Now boys, please let me bequeath                            
Some knowledge. or else there beneath                       
Your belt you'll find nothing                               
To do any stuffing.                                         
Sis Chris has a pussy with teeth!                           
                                                            
61186 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Tiddy                    



The photographer, down on his knees,                        
Was at work on nude shots of Miss Keyes.                    
He said, "Smile for the picture."                           
So she opened her stricture,                                
And the cavity grinned and said, "Cheese!"                  
                                                            
61187 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0508



A despondent old fellow named Pyle                          
Sought the madam to cheer him a while.                      
But the madam, so shrewd,                                   
Showed her ladies all nude,                                 
And he picked one whose twat had a smile.                   
                                                            
61188 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-1641



The girls who call home Bora-Bora                           
Might live midst the fauna and flora,                       
But there're always some catches,                           
They have teeth in their snatches,                          
Which will make you get sorer and sorer.                    
                                                            
61189 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Theo M. Heller      P9411



Young Bess was a socking great tease,                       
Voluminous and quite hard to please.                        
With prodigious flaps                                       
Like giant steel traps,                                     
And hair like colossal oak trees,                           
                                                            
61190 SNATCHES - DENTATE             SFA                      



Yes, Bess does sure love a hard cock;                       
She teased it right out of the sock.                        
Her Venus Fly Trap                                          
In a flash, will snap                                       
For some tender meat up for a fock.                         
                                                            
61191 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Lightbulb                



Dismounting her, somewhat elated,                           
One victim cried out, "She's been sated!"                   
We hollered, "We know.                                      
Now look down below.                                        
You'll see that you've just been castrated!"                
                                                            
61192 SNATCHES - DENTATE             SFA                      



Now feeling a little down-sized,                            
The victim had soon realized:                               
That after he'd mated,                                      
He wasn't castrated                                         
As feared, he's just circumsized.                           
                                                            
61193 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Lightbulb                



The sight of a naked Michelle,                              
Snatch open with teeth sharp as hell,                       
Will mess up your sleep.                                    
It may make you weep                                        
And will stop wet dreams in one swoop fell.                 
                                                            
61194 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



A man back from Alpha Centauri                              
Told a perfectly horrible story:                            
Their women have teeth                                      
Both above and beneath,                                     
And whatever goes in, comes out gory.                       
                                                            
61195 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                 G2568



A cautious horse trader named Keith                         
Asked a whore for a look underneath.                        
So she spread out her snatch                                
Which he viewed with dispatch,                              
But rejected because of old teeth.                          
                                                            
61196 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0500



My pussy teeth now are gnashing!                            
(That gold one in front is flashing!)                       
I'd probably make you                                       
Into testicle stew,                                         
But I'm squeamish about all the bashing!                    
                                                            
61197 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



There was a young lady named Fabia                          
With hooks on the flaps of her labia.                       
She was fucked by young Flynn,                              
But she ripped his foreskin,                                
And she laughed and said, "How does this grab ya?"          
                                                            
61198 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin 3024  G2007



As the lady undressed before Scott,                         
He pulled out his pecker so hot.                            
She smiled with a flair,                                    
But it didn't compare                                       
To the smile that she had on her twat.                      
                                                            
61199 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0608



It seems you consider me easy,                              
But in fact, I am feeling quite queasy,                     
'Cause the outback is scary                                 
When the bloke is a Clary,                                  
And the sheila has teeth in her tweezie,                    
                                                            
61200 SNATCHES - DENTATE                                      



Said a girl to a lad, "You excite me.                       
Your prick in my cunt would delight me."                    
Said the novice young lad,                                  
"I'll not do it, by Gad,                                    
For I fear it will come back to bite me."                   
                                                            
61201 SNATCHES - DENTATE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0133



There was a young girl from Des Moines,                     
A whiz at rotating her loins.                               
What's even more strange,    (She would take on a mate)     
Her cunt could make change,  (At a very low rate,)          
With nickel and dimes and such coins.                       
(Like a dime or still smaller coins.)                       
61202 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                G0309



Another young lady named Hunt                               
Could pick up loose coins with her cunt.                    
But it couldn't make change,                                
Which narrowed her range,                                   
And kept her from playing the Paramount.                    
                                                            
61203 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                G0310



There was a young showgirl named Alice,                     
Could pick up loose coins with her phallus.                 
But it couldn't make change,                                
Which narrowed her range,                                   
And kept her from playing the Palace.                       
                                                            
61204 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



There was a young girl from Arabia,                         
Who committed immodest behavia.                             
She sat in each class,                                      
With her skirt round her ass,                               
And smooched at the prof with her labia.                    
                                                            
61205 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                G0267



There was a young coed named Bridget,                       
Whose clothes were too short for a midget.                  
Every lad in the class,                                     
Got a peek at her ass,                                      
And she'd wink at the prof with her twidget.                
(And each crease and crevasse of her twidget.)              
61206 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



There was a young lady named Gimbel                         
Whose cunt was so supple and nimble,                        
She could open it wide,                                     
So you'd stand up inside,                                   
Or could close it as small as a thimble.                    
                                                            
61207 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-0458



There still is a whore from Des Moines,                     
Who, paid in advance, spreads her groin                     
To stash the full sum.                                      
But if you don't come,                                      
She'll pop out the change, bill and coin.                   
                                                            
61208 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



That problem they call vaginismus;                          
Beware or you'll be there till Christmas.                   
If thus you can't linger,                                   
Up your ass poke a finger,                                  
The doctors say that does the bizmus.                       
                                                            
61209 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



There were two young ladies from Natchez,                   
Who could catch a fly ball with their snatches.             
So they played for Detroit                                  
With their pussies adroit,                                  
And they helped them to win all their matches.              
                                                            
61210 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-0550



There was a young lady named Brown                          
Who taught her vagina to clown.                             
It could nibble a plum                                      
And chew JuicyFruit gum,                                    
So her cunt was the freshest in town.                       
                                                            
61211 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin 3024  G0271



Miss Dees doth protesteth too much.                         
When alone, she proceeded to touch                          
My willy, well hung.                                        
She clamped down - trap is sprung!                          
"O my God, let me out of her clutch!"                       
                                                            
61212 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            RanDog                   



I'm in love with a girl from Eutoxeter,                     
An exquisite and passionate cock-sitter.                    
With her prehensile hole,                                   
She envelopes my pole,                                      
And then squirms up and down as my rocks hit her.           
                                                            
61213 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Gerard Benson            



A young lady cashier named Cass                             
Could handle the money with class:                          
She could pick up each coin                                 
With a twist of her groin,                                  
And zip off the bills with her ass.                         
                                                            
61214 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                G2290



An agile old harlot named Cruse                             
Was making a deal with some Jews.                           
She contorted her slot                                      
To create a new twat --                                     
An orifice they could not refuse.                           
                                                            
61215 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-1480



There once was a woman named Brandy                         
Whose pussy was sweeter than candy;                         
Her pudenda was tight,                                      
And it gripped with delight,                                
`And for opening jars it was handy!)                        
                                                            
61216 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Cap'n Bean          P0010



So big was the cunt of Miss Beggs,                          
There was room for two dinosaur eggs.                       
But this bothered her not --                                
She could tighten her twat                                  
With ease, just by crossing her legs.                       
                                                            
61217 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-0396



There was a young girl named Louise,                        
With a marvelous vaginal squeeze.                           
She inspired such pleasure                                  
In her lover's yard measure,                                
That she caused his untimely decease.                       
                                                            
61218 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                L1192



The new gardener quickly surrendered                        
To Amelia before he remembered                              
He'd slipped her a length,                                  
But her vaginal strength                                    
Very soon had the poor chap dismembered.                    
                                                            
61219 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



A gardener who grows things should never                    
Allow a stong pussy to sever                                
The root that he's planted,                                 
Deep, straight down or slanted,                             
'Cause it won't grow back again -- ever!                    
                                                            
61220 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



There was a young girl of Wohunt,                           
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.                           
It had many odd uses,                                       
Produced no papooses,                                       
And fitted both giant and runt.                             
                                                            
61221 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                L0260



A passionate red-headed girl,                               
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl.                
And her twat would get wet                                  
And would wiggle and fret,                                  
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.                    
                                                            
61222 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                L0301



A charming young girl called Felicity,                      
Is renowned for her twat's elasticity.                      
Both the thick and the slim                                 
Fit her capable quim;                                       
A remarkable feat of duplicity!                             
                                                            
61223 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl of Messina                           
Who had an elastic vagina.                                  
By twisting her figure                                      
She could let in a nigger,                                  
An elephant, mouse, or hyena.                               
                                                            
61224 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Kimball                        
Who was so adroit and so nimble,                            
She'd enlarge with impunity                                 
If there was opportunity,                                   
Or contract it as small as a thimble.                       
                                                            
61225 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-0501



There was a young maiden called Droppies,                   
Whose vagina could read all-sized floppies.                 
But inserting a disk                                        
Was an orgasmic risk,                                       
For her spasms made 800 copies.                             
                                                            
61226 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            James Mae                



McDonald was an old farmer,                                 
Whose daughter was known as a charmer.                      
She'd build up some steam                                   
And her suitors would deem                                  
Her pussy, a real four-alarmer.                             
                                                            
61227 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            COZ                   TP 



There was a young girl from the docks,                      
Who could pick up small coins with her box.                 
She practiced these tricks,                                 
Till she'd pick up gold bricks,                             
Then she rifled the vaults at Fort Knox.                    
                                                            
61228 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                G2317



A clever young harlot named Scott                           
Had a trick that would make the men hot:                    
On the streets she'd solicit                                
In a manner explicit,                                       
And hand you her card with her twat.                        
                                                            
61229 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin 3024  G1863



I harpoon my wild love in Fort Jones,                       
And wow! Her moans and her groans!                          
There's a muscle, I swear!                                  
In her cranny down there,                                   
To rattle my favorite bones!                                
                                                            
61230 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



A man from Maine lacking in etiquette                       
Thrust his hand up a strange woman's pettic't.              
'Twas her vaginal twitch                                    
That she countered with, which                              
Found his finger somewhere in Conneticut.                   
                                                            
61231 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Bob Giandomenico    P9002



There was a young girl from Medina,                         
Who could completely control her vagina.                    
She could twist it around                                   
Like the cunts that are found                               
In Japan, Manchuria, and China.                             
                                                            
61232 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                L0198



A lady there is named Vagina;                               
Her slit goes from in front to behind-a.                    
There's no need to hunt                                     
For her hairy large cunt,                                   
It finds you when it wants sixty-nine-a!                    
                                                            
61233 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Rich Grise               



A woman is built to accommodate                             
A man of some size when they mate.                          
You needn't fear surgery                                    
When he does his purgery;                                   
Just smile, hon and accept your fate.                       
                                                            
61234 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



There once was a girl of Vancouver,                         
Whose pussy worked just like a Hoover.                      
She said, "Cleaning my cunny                                
Feels ever so funny."                                       
And I found it quite hard to disprove her.                  
                                                            
61235 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Richard Lancashire       



There was an old woodsman named Hunt                        
Who implanted his ax handle blunt                           
In the cunt of Miss Fraser,                                 
Who was sharp as a razor,                                   
And the chips flew in streams from her cunt.                
                                                            
61236 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-0210



A nuerotic young girl from Natchez                          
Wrote in weird Freudian snatches.                           
Her doc was impressed                                       
Till she finally confessed                                  
That she wrote with her cunt and burnt matches.             
                                                            
61237 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                G2171



A bosomy blonde from Biloxi                                 
Does a popular act at the Roxy                              
By twitching her cunt--                                     
It's a pretty cheap stunt,                                  
But you gotta admit she has moxie.                          
                                                            
61238 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Norm Storer              



Sweet pussy - that part of a wench                          
Heaven-sent for us geezers to french,                       
And designed for the job                                    
Of encircling one's knob,                                   
In a hot drenching honey-sweet clench...                    
                                                            
61239 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



I want one!  I need one!  I drool                           
At the thought of one clenching my tool.                    
I'm obsessed with... <good grief, man;                      
You shake like a leaf, man;                                 
Just calm yourself down and keep cool.>                     
                                                            
61240 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



OK; now I'm placid and calm.                                
Mid-life crisis - no cause for alarm.                       
But those nurses so sweet                                   
Who've just bounced down my street                          
Had such naughty but innocent charm.                        
                                                            
61241 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



The sensuous sway of their hips                             
And their long golden hair and their lips                   
Ruby red and their thighs                                   
And their come-to-bed eyes                                  
And their titties and bullet-hard nips ..                   
                                                            
61242 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



Sweet titties - those parts of a wench                      
Heaven-sent for us geezers to clench;                       
And those nipples so sweet,                                 
Delightful to eat,                                          
Lead to fires only wenches can quench ..                    
                                                            
61243 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



I love 'em!  I want 'em!  I need                            
'Em to knead and to suckle with greed.                      
I'm obsessed with... <good god, man;                        
You near shot your wad, man;                                
Relax and calm down now I plead.>                           
                                                            
61244 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



So sorry - I ought to be flamed;                            
Mid-life crisis or not I'm ashamed.                         
I shall keep it low key                                     
Now just wait and you'll see...                             
Maybe thirty years time I'll be tamed.                      
                                                            
61245 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



It's surely not one to say "Squeek,"                        
And the mouth that it seeks will not "Eeek."                
The pussy's mouth sought                                    
Is moist and it's taut,                                     
And certain to make MY knees weak!                          
                                                            
61246 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



The carefree young lass from Torbay                         
With twat quite unique, so they say.                        
When she plunks down her ass                                
On a field of fresh grass,                                  
One can hear it, they say, munching hay.                    
                                                            
61247 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            The Sailor          P0306



My God!  Do the guys like it tight!                         
An aggressive, power-quim's a delight!!                     
No more slish-slosh...                                      
Get traction, by gosh!                                      
And explode off the launch-pad tonight!                     
                                                            
61248 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



You girls spend much time at the gym,                       
Firming the breast and the limb.                            
But think more "Interior"                                   
(You'll be far superior)                                    
And develop a muscular quim!                                
                                                            
61249 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



She sucked me right in like a Hoover.                       
I tried but I just couldn't move her.                       
My plan of attack                                           
Is not to go back                                           
Until I obtain an Earth Mover.                              
                                                            
61250 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Cubby                    



There was a young girl named Heather,                       
Whose twitchet was made out of leather.                     
She made a queer noise,                                     
Which attracted the boys,                                   
By flapping the edges together.                             
                                                            
61251 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                L0172



The most wonderful thing about pussy,                       
Is when it's all slippery and juicy;                        
Without any guilt,                                          
You push up to the hilt,                                    
And you hope that it's not big and loose-y!                 
                                                            
61252 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



Some like strong drink from a bottle;                       
Others fine food down their throttle.                       
But nothing is finer                                        
Than a ladies vagina;                                       
Not a question of torque but of twattle.                    
                                                            
61253 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



There once was a whore from St Paul                         
Who took anyone, wide, short, or tall.                      
She said to her clients,                                    
"It's not really science --                                 
It's just that one size will fit all."                      
                                                            
61254 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Jim Weaver Collection    



My dear, I'm an absolute wreck!                             
Just had lunch with Madame Sky Trek.                        
With her snatch she could pick up                           
Chopsticks, chow mein, and teacup--                         
Everything she could find but the check.                    
                                                            
61255 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                G2747



I know a cute pool-shark named Dot,                         
Who makes a spectacular shot.                               
Whenever she's able,                                        
She'll run the whole table,                                 
By shooting the ball from her twat.                         
                                                            
61256 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



An old madam, retired, name of Hunt,                        
In her manner so forthright and blunt,                      
All her memoirs collected                                   
In a volume respected,                                      
And she proofread the book with her cunt.                   
                                                            
61257 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-1550



A purse-snatching lady named Patch,                         
On failing a purse to detach,                               
Cried aloud with a curse,                                   
"I cannot snatch a purse,                                   
But I know that I can purse a snatch."                      
                                                            
61258 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-2220



A much acclaimed hooker, Ms. Latch,                         
Was deemed by her johns a great catch,                      
For her skilled tongue and lips,                            
Her gyrational hips,                                        
And proficiently pursing her snatch.                        
                                                            
61259 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Bob Giandominico    P0107



There was a young girl of Detroit                           
Whose pussy was very adroit.                                
She could open the throat                                   
To be large as a moat                                       
Or reduce it as small as a quoit.                           
                                                            
61260 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-0433



There once was a girl from Tibet,                           
And this is the strangest thing yet,                        
With a rotating quim--                                      
Forty-five RPM,                                             
To accommodate tourists at Tet.                             
                                                            
61261 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Arthur Deex         P8112



A young Southern belle named Blossom                        
Had a cunt that was truly quite awesome.                    
It could crack pecans with ease,                            
Or grind corn, if you please,                               
But was famous for skinning a 'possum.                      
                                                            
61262 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Manfried Swamproot       



A showgirl in Saudi Arabia,                                 
With a private performance will favor ya.                   
If you pay a small fee,                                     
She'll allow you to see                                     
Her smoke a Pall Mall with her labia.                       
                                                            
61263 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



The girl of a lip-reader, Morse,                            
Said "No" as a matter of course.                            
Said Morse to her, "Bess,                                   
Please raise up your dress.                                 
I must hear from the mouth of the horse."                   
                                                            
61264 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Albin Chaplin   3024-0545



There once was a girl with a sneeze;                        
Not a regular sneeze if you please,                         
From the usual place                                        
On the front of her face,                                   
But a sneeze from her vertical frieze.                      
                                                            
61265 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



There was an old woman named Tweak,                         
Who taught her vagina to speak.                             
It was frequently liable                                    
To quote from the Bible,                                    
But when fucking, not even a squeak!                        
                                                            
61266 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                L0255



Sensational gossip has linked her                           
With men who have diamond-and-minked her;                   
You all know her name                                       
And the source of her fame --                               
It's her skill with her vaginal sphincter.                  
                                                            
61267 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Amego               P0001



All the lads like to hunt,                                  
And then proceed to bunt,                                   
That player of the game,                                    
Jennifer by name,                                           
The one with the strong-muscled cunt.                       
                                                            
61268 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



A fully fledged chippie named Carr                          
(Her talents are famed from afar)                           
Has a vulva so strong                                       
She can squeeze a guy's dong                                
With both of her thighs still ajar.                         
                                                            
61269 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Armand E Singer       623



There once was a whore from Bergweiss,                      
Whose twat was as strong as a vise.                         
She maimed twenty men --                                    
They're now hung like pins.                                 
Not bowling, but fastening device.                          
                                                            
61270 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            H WHELCHEL               



There was a young girl from Toulouse;                       
To fuck her you need your snow shoes.                       
Her twat's got a suck                                       
Like a Hoover, amuck;                                       
You'll end up inside her caboose.                           
                                                            
61271 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Tiddy Ogg                



A Genesee student named Gotch                               
Had a neat way of drinking her scotch.                      
Imagine my awe                                              
When she put in a straw,                                    
And sucked it up with her crotch.                           
                                                            
61272 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl from Vancouver,                       
While in bed had a unique maneuver.                         
To climax a fuck,                                           
Her pussy would suck                                        
Like the vacuum invented by Hoover.                         
                                                            
61273 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            The Poet                 



Oh clenchingly glorious cunt;                               
I shall lick you today back to front,                       
'Til you're quivering, soaking,                             
And desperate for poking,                                   
And then I shall give you a punt!                           
                                                            
61274 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Peter Wilkins            



I've developed a quim like a vice;                          
For both it can be paradise.                                
Astride I sit still                                         
And with muscular skill,                                    
I climax not once, twice, but thrice!                       
                                                            
61275 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS                                     



While once I was screwing Miss Writer,                      
Her pussy grew tighter and tighter.                         
That woman is sick --                                       
She 'most squeezed off my dick,                             
Then she laughed, for it seemed to delight her.             
                                                            
61276 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Cap'n Bean               



While once I was screwing Miss Fooser,                      
Her pussy grew looser and looser.                           
So I'll tell you what,                                      
When I want a tight twat,                                   
I'll find your Miss Writer and goose'er!                    
                                                            
61277 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Cap'n Bean               



There was a young lady of Butte                             
Who was rather obsessively cute;                            
She perfected a pink                                        
Little vaginal wink                                         
That was simply too-too! -- and she knew it.                
                                                            
61278 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Keith MacMillan     A073C



I ache for your body curvaceous;                            
Your ass and your bristols bodacious;                       
Your eye-popping nips,                                      
Pulchritudinous hips                                        
And the clench of your pussy voracious.                     
                                                            
61279 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Peter Wilkins            



A redhead that drops them? That's neat.                     
That sort of girl can't be beat.                            
But her athletic quim                                       
May well suck you in;                                       
Wear snowshoes on both of your feet!                        
                                                            
61280 SNATCHES - DEXTROUS            Tiddy Ogg                



Remember that girl named Jess?                              
Yesterday, put my hand up her dress.                        
What was 'twixt her thighs,                                 
Caught me by surprise,                                      
A festering pus-filled abcess!                              
                                                            
61281 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



Our Polly's the one for snail trails                        
On hills and then down through the vales.                   
With dripping wet lips,                                     
She cunningly slips                                         
All over the bodies of males.                               
                                                            
61282 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Archie                   



I've given my neighbour, Miss Dot,                          
Your e-mail address for she's hot                           
To meet you tonight,                                        
In the hope that you might                                  
Start exploring her cavernous twat.                         
                                                            
61283 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



I hear that her pussy-lips stick                            
Together when given a lick;                                 
Her cheesy-green goo                                        
Is a glutinous glue,                                        
And is highly infectious to dick.                           
                                                            
61284 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



She farts if you finger her twat,                           
Like cabbages starting to rot.                              
A terrible pong,                                            
But she longs for your dong;                                
Will you give her, dear Sir, all you've got?                
                                                            
61285 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



I'm working with greatest dispatch                          
To schedule a time for Dot's snatch.                        
My next open date?                                          
What is this?  Wait!                                        
Oh no!  I've a late flight to catch.                        
                                                            
61286 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There once was a girl named Maureen,                        
Whose cunt wasn't kept very clean.                          
The come would drip out                                     
Of her smelly old spout,                                    
Which she scraped up and ate with Saltines.                 
                                                            
61287 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



She then popped her gum with a smack,                       
As her fingers dug into her crack.                          
"If it wasn't for scabs                                     
From these nibbling crabs,                                  
I could offer you fellows a snack."                         
                                                            
61288 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



The meat that festoons from her breeches,                   
Could give you the crabs, maybe leeches.                    
Your generous bender                                        
I pray won't engender                                       
A pair, tight and rosy like peaches.                        
                                                            
61289 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



While dancing the tango, Miss Lucy,                         
With each dip would grow ever more juicy.                   
Till her dance partner slipped                              
On some juice she had dripped,                              
So they danced the horizontal Watusi.                       
                                                            
61290 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There was a young man of Belgrade,                          
Who slept with a girl in the trade.                         
She said to him, "Jack,                                     
Try the hole round the back.                                
The front one is badly decayed."                            
                                                            
61291 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0933



You might find me all snuggly and hot,                      
With a pus-filled infected twat,                            
Till your dick gets crusty                                  
And starts smelling musty,                                  
Then falls off from gangrene and rot.                       
                                                            
61292 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Carol                    



Before you crew her caboose,                                
Make sure you send her to douche.                           
Or when you pull from her hole                              
Your satisfied pole,                                        
Shit from your dick you will sluice.                        
                                                            
61293 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There was a young woman from Chester,                       
Who said to the man who undressed her,                      
"You'll find it best, dear,                                 
To approach from the rear.                                  
The front is beginning to fester."                          
                                                            
61294 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



While eating her snatch, I was flustered,                   
When she farted a brownish white custard.                   
Then she asked me to felch                                  
And I did, with a belch;                                    
Though, in truth, I was slightly disgustard.                
                                                            
61295 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Hugh Clary               



The oozing and milky white goo                              
That roiled from her pink little coo                        
Gave cause for alarm.                                       
"'Twill do ye no harm;                                      
'Tis only monilia dew."                                     
                                                            
61296 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



Well, the next time instead of pursuing                     
A meal that you'll end up eschewing,                        
Remember this fact:                                         
The snatch eating act                                       
Requires swallowing after much chewing.                     
                                                            
61297 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Travis Brasell           



There once was a whore known as Marge,                      
Who had a cunt-chancre so large,                            
A john missed the hole                                      
And pussed-up his pole,                                     
Then doubled the sore's creamy charge.                      
                                                            
61298 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



A philosopher, walking the shore,                           
Was ignoring the pleas of a whore.                          
But he said he would screw                                  
If she had something new,                                   
So she offered a festering sore.                            
                                                            
61299 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1743



There was an old whore of the Azores,                       
Whose cunt was all covered with sores.                      
The dogs in the street                                      
Wouldn't eat the green meat,                                
That hung in festoons from her drawers.                     
(Would snap at the the meat,)                               
61300 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                  L1073



When Johnny was dating Miss Jean,                           
He complained of her cunt which was green                   
And all covered with mold,                                  
But he soon was consoled --                                 
She got Fido to lick it off clean.                          
                                                            
61301 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-0833



Penelope, ravaged by gravity,                               
And decades of filthy depravity,                            
Has pussy-lips floppy,                                      
Bedraggled and sloppy                                       
With ooze from her cavernous cavity.                        
                                                            
61302 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Peter Wilkins            



But that's not the worst part, alas,                        
From behind that beldame is all ass.                        
Down saggy cheeks, geen ooze                                
That flowed out of her cooze,                               
Drips into her high heels.  What a lass!                    
                                                            
61303 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Ward Hardman             



Our Dear Carol's sweet fragrant juices                      
That dribble from several sluices                           
Draw my blue-veined snake                                   
Inside her sponge cake;                                     
Uncoiling, sweet bliss he produces.                         
                                                            
61304 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Randog                   



"Your snatch is so wet, Darling Pussy,"                     
Said Double-0-Seven, "Debussy                               
Must have thought of you there                              
When composing La Mer,                                      
Its flood is so frequent and juicy."                        
                                                            
61305 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



I doubt that there's many among us                          
Could resist a twat so humunguous,                          
With corners uncharted                                      
That smells like she's farted,                              
And grows her unique furry fungus.                          
                                                            
61306 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



A student named Cookie played hooky.                        
In Chinatown just for some nookie,                          
She met a Chinese                                           
With an Asian disease,                                      
And came home with her cookie all gookie.                   
                                                            
61307 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Pierce Evans             



A woman said, "Give me a hoist,                             
I want to grab hold of that joist."                         
But the guy as he boost her                                 
Inadvertently goosed her                                    
In that place where a woman gets moist.                     
                                                            
61308 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



A girl who was dribbling pus,                               
Bought a Tampax, the whimpering wuss.                       
If she'd saved all that juice                               
Sure she'd find a good use                                  
In the kitchen, so why all the fuss?                        
                                                            
61309 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



Oh wow, now you're making me ravenous,                      
And I'm dreaming the time we'll be havin' us,               
When the tampax is bloated                                  
And with crust it is coated:                                
With luck, it will even be gangrenous!                      
                                                            
61310 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There once was a girl named Goldie,                         
Who wasn't too young or too oldie.                          
But no one would fuck her,                                  
Finger or suck her,                                         
Cause her pussy was green and all moldy!                    
                                                            
61311 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



Miss Cockburn, who lives in Peru,                           
Is called "Chimney" because of her flue,                    
Which needs sweeping each day                               
To keep fungi away,                                         
And a build-up of cheesy green goo.                         
                                                            
61312 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



Russell had a lard-ass named Gail;                          
On her tuna boat, he wanted to sail.                        
On an ocean of fleas                                        
And a river of cheese;                                      
You can bet he harpooned that whale.                        
                                                            
61313 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Dale,                           
Who was Andy's private piece of tail.                       
He'd tickle her spout                                       
Till her juices ran out,                                    
Which he'd drink from a ten gallon pail.                    
                                                            
61314 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



My whore serves a Super Bowl snack                          
Of hot cheese hors d'oeuvres (yummy, smack!);               
They're easy to eat;..                                      
She lays at my feet,                                        
And dishes them up from her crack.                          
                                                            
61315 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



When horny young Timothy Tim                                
Met virginal Kimberley Kim,                                 
Their natural urges                                         
Caused Timothy's surges,                                    
And Kimberley's jizzimy quim.                               
                                                            
61316 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Peter Wilkins            



"Uncle Tom", said Aunt Jill, "you should know,              
What a thrill to peek at your elbow.                        
And watch, when I'm able,                                   
Them hitting the table,                                     
As you make my sweet pussy juice flow".                     
                                                            
61317 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



I need some relief from this heat;                          
I'm wet from my head to my feet.                            
With temps still soaring,                                   
The sweat is pouring,                                       
Right into my pretty pink meat.                             
                                                            
61318 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



When the weather is hot and it's sticky;                    
That's no time to be dunkin' a dicky;                       
But I've got some ice cubes;                                
To slide over your pubes;                                   
With my tongue doin' somethin' quite tricky!                
                                                            
61319 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



So I get every last drop of goo,                            
With my mouth closed I promise I'll chew.                   
Then after the slurps,                                      
Some satisfied burps,                                       
Before flossing my teeth with sinew.                        
                                                            
61320 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



Her husband's a pimp, and will share                        
(For a lucrative fee) the quite rare                        
Connubial privilege                                         
Of licking the dribblage,                                   
That oozes from 'round her cunt hair.                       
                                                            
61321 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                  G0909



There once was a girl, Abigail,                             
Who had things common with a snail.                         
After fucking all day,                                      
She'd slither away,                                         
Leaving behind her, a trail.                                
                                                            
61322 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Gable                        
Who picked up a whore dressed in sable.                     
But her filth made him shiver,                              
So he looked for a river                                    
Which would flush out the Augean Stable.                    
                                                            
61323 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2877



There once was a chick who wore glasses,                    
Who wondered why all guys made passes.                      
For she could not see,                                      
Just between you and me,                                    
That her snatch dripped down like molasses.                 
                                                            
61324 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



Practicality of tissues pose issues;                        
They're often exploited for miss-use.                       
This statement sounds blunt:                                
I most like a moist cunt,                                   
So I'm using no tissues for Miss Sue's.                     
                                                            
61325 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



I sat on the subway rail bench,                             
Right next to a hot sexy wench.                             
When she rose, saw a stain,                                 
So behind did remain                                        
To bend down and smell the sweet stench.                    
                                                            
61326 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There once was a woman named Betty                          
Whose cunt hair stuck like spaghetti.                       
She was covered in sleaze                                   
All the way to her knees;                                   
And to part her legs, a machete.                            
                                                            
61327 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Rich Goebel              



A thoughtful young fellow named Slatter                     
Had fucked an old whore name of Hatter.                     
She was slimy with pus                                      
But he raised not a fuss,                                   
He just made the best of the matter.                        
                                                            
61328 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1745



I once knew a girl named Maureen;                           
Her cunt was a mass of gangrene.                            
But health nuts, she found,                                 
Would still eat her mound,                                  
'Cause maggots are high in protein.                         
                                                            
61329 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



My lover is fond of my bod,                                 
But sometimes I find it odd;                                
While rubbing and stroking,                                 
Prodding and poking,                                        
She drips more than when dick shoots a wad!                 
                                                            
61330 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



The black silky hair of the East;                           
The sight of my shaft as a feast.                           
A drizzle of soy.                                           
A whimper of joy.                                           
The ooze of thick natural yeast.                            
                                                            
61331 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              H                        



A horny old man of Dubuque                                  
Made a deal with a harlot, a fluke.                         
But her cunt was so foul,                                   
That he said with a scowl,                                  
"Tell me, where is your pisspot to puke?"                   
                                                            
61332 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1495



Oh lovely young maiden so fair,                             
Your dripping snatch needs some more care.                  
But to say it quite blunt,                                  
I'm not gonna lick cunt,                                    
'Cause I don't like to chew all day, hair.                  
                                                            
61333 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There once was a girl name of Sybil                         
Whose pussy was all of a dribble.                           
With lust unrequited                                        
Though nightly excited                                      
By Roger the Gardener's dibble.                             
                                                            
61334 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Peter Wilkins            



I ain't got a barrel of money;                              
Maybe I'm ragged and funny,                                 
But I'll travel the road,                                   
And get his damn load                                       
Each night and my twat'll be runny.                         
                                                            
61335 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Travis Brassell          



Men aren't too fussy these days;                            
All sorts of snatch garner praise.                          
I'll take mine with cheese                                  
And ask, if you please,                                     
What's tuna without mayonnaise?                             
                                                            
61336 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



I'm so jealous of my girl, Dolores,                         
That I sniff each new stain on her drawers.                 
But I can't find a match                                    
For one slimy wet patch;                                    
Seems the spunk is not mine...is it yours?                  
                                                            
61337 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              F. Ormatsee              



I am really worried about my Mrs.                           
I wonder where she's getting her krs.                       
There's this big oozing scratch                             
In the thatch 'round her snatch,                            
Alongside the hole where she prs.                           
                                                            
61338 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Herkin                   



The welfare they buy me my shoes;                           
The pimp man, he gets me the booze.                         
The guy with the dick                                       
Makes my pussy get sick,                                    
But I don't need K-Y when I ooze.                           
                                                            
61339 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Bob Birch           P9902



A cautious young fellow named Luntz                         
Was hailed by a grimy whore, once.                          
But he said to her, "Gertie,                                
Although fucking is dirty,                                  
I fuck only the cleanest of cunts!"                         
                                                            
61340 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2172



An auld London wench yclept Plath                           
Saith, "Chaucer, you sore need a bath!"                     
But he claimed his weiner                                   
Be a damned sight far cleaner                               
Than holes he espied that she hath.                         
                                                            
61341 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Armand E Singer       963



A fellow while muffing a twat,                              
Encountered a substance like snot,                          
Which on further analysis                                   
Wasn't vaginal dialysis                                     
But the load he had previously shot.                        
                                                            
61342 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Anon                     



A careless young lady named Hussey,                         
In fucking was not very fussy.                              
She was screwed by a cabbie                                 
Whose pecker was scabby,                                    
And now Hussey's pussy is pussy.                            
                                                            
61343 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1723



My dear Marylou, every morn,                                
Eats a waffle while looking at porn.                        
The syrup that drips                                        
From her pink puffy lips,                                   
She reuses in spite of my scorn!                            
                                                            
61344 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There once was a woman named Pymm,                          
Who had a remarkable quim.                                  
It wasn't the size                                          
That attracted the flies,                                   
But crystallized semen on the rim.                          
                                                            
61345 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                  G0865



There once was a girl name of Sybil                         
Whose pussy was all of a-dribble                            
With lust unrequited,                                       
Though nightly excited                                      
By Roger the gardener's dibble.                             
                                                            
61346 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There once lived an old slut named Abby,                    
Whose tits were so soft and flabby.(stretch-mark and flabby)
But wait, there is more,     (Her ass had a pump)           
To this filthy old whore;    (That takes many a dump;)      
Her cunt, it was pus-filled and scabby.                     
(Her pants are all shit-filled and baggy.)                  
61347 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow named Beggs                        
Who took his girl down a few pegs.                          
He said she's unclean,                                      
And the foulest he'd seen;                                  
So she left with her tail 'tween her legs.                  
                                                            
61348 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2855



In Punmu, the best thing to hunt                            
Are pigs which are feral and grunt,                         
Because all the women                                       
Have dripping old quim 'n'                                  
They simply don't smell like a cunt.                        
                                                            
61349 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Archie                   



Whilst we're on the subject of Wales,                       
(Where sheep-shagging often prevails),                      
Can you think up a joke                                     
'Bout a farmer named Groat,                                 
Whose farm contains nothing but snails?                     
                                                            
61350 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Tim Ruddell              



Groat once farmed pigeons and quail,                        
But switched from the bird to the snail.                    
His wife loved the ooze                                     
To smear on her cooze --                                    
The better Groats nail to impale.                           
                                                            
61351 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              H WHELCHEL               



While earning some cash on her back,                        
An old whore exposes her crack,                             
All covered with jisms                                      
(They're both hers and his'ms)                              
A gooey and slimy snail track.                              
                                                            
61352 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Archie                   



A lady who thought sex a treat,                             
Thought a gang-bang would make life complete.               
Fifteen men and a dog                                       
All went the whole hog.                                     
She now leaves a snail-trail on the street.                 
                                                            
61353 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Stephen Cordwell         



Phyllis, a cheap legless whore                              
Charges five bucks -- nothing more.                         
But you'll find the next day,                               
That you can't wash away                                    
The crusty snail-trails on the floor.                       
                                                            
61354 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Captain Infinity         



A forgetful young woman named Dee,                          
Saw gelatinous globs in her pee.                            
She started to squirm                                       
Then remembered his worm.                                   
"Oh yes, he was coming in me!"                              
                                                            
61355 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Tom Simon                



A chancre-pocked bedridden whore                            
Developed a putrid cunt-sore.                               
Her sheets and her cooze                                    
Got crispy with ooze,                                       
And stalagmites formed on the floor.                        
                                                            
61356 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              H Welchel          TP9901



This whore, the personification                             
Of gut-wrenching putrification,                             
Ballooned twice her size                                    
Right before our eyes.                                      
We watched all with rapt fascination.                       
                                                            
61357 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Frank Fazed              



But when that huge bubble of gas                            
Erupted with rumblings first class,                         
In a flow pyroclastic,                                      
Juices, colon and gastric,                                  
Made a blast even H can't surpass.                          
                                                            
61358 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              H Welchel                



Humbled, H went on a fast,                                  
Eschewing those moments he gassed                           
Like fuel-air explosions.                                   
Retired from these notions,                                 
His ass smelled like roses at last.                         
                                                            
61359 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              H Welchel                



Here's to the girl from Chester,                            
Who said to the guy who undressed her,                      
"I think you will find                                      
You should lick my behind,                                  
'Cause my pussy is starting to fester."                     
                                                            
61360 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                  L1087



An amorous lady named Clair                                 
Said, "Please don't touch me down there.                    
It makes me feel icky,                                      
And gooey and sticky,                                       
And sometimes I stick to my chair"                          
                                                            
61361 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Anon                     



There once was a whore from Dublin,                         
Who discovered somethin' very troublin'.                    
She'd caught a disease                                      
Which looked like string cheese,                            
And out of her cunt it was bubblin!                         
                                                            
61362 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



When Mabel the waitress starts stripping,                   
It means that her pussy is dripping;                        
When naked she'll offer                                     
Her diners a boff or                                        
Her pussy for potato chip dipping.                          
                                                            
61363 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Peter Wilkins            



When choosing her lovers, Juanita                           
Was always, it's said, not too neata.                       
"I likes'm all rough                                        
And dirty and tough,                                        
'Cause that's when I get my Velveeta!"                      
                                                            
61364 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



I once knew a girl that was Greek;                          
With a gynecologist she needed to speak.                    
For out of her spout                                        
Velveeta dripped out,                                       
Whenever she would take a leak.                             
                                                            
61365 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a girl named Francine,                          
Whose twat was all slimy and green.                         
When she offered a poke,                                    
I replied "What a joke!                                     
I shudder to think where you've been!"                      
                                                            
61366 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              CyberCelt                



Said a man to a harlot, "I wish you                         
Would wipe off your cunt with this tissue."                 
But her pussy still leaked                                  
And she said, somewhat piqued,                              
"Please do not make a point of the issue."                  
                                                            
61367 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1749



My fears aren't of man nor of beast,                        
Nor anthrax, to say in the least;                           
But I'm paranoid                                            
Of Peggy Sue Boyd                                           
Whose pussy is frothing with yeast.                         
                                                            
61368 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Travis Brasell           



A hooker with snatchy disease,                              
Still made lots of money with ease.                         
The infection of yeast,                                     
Didn't stop her the least;                                  
She offered men wine with her cheese.                       
                                                            
61369 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



There once was a girl named East,                           
Whose crack was brimming with yeast.                        
The fungus she'd take                                       
And some bread she would bake;                              
Forty or fifty loaves, at least.                            
                                                            
61370 SNATCHES - DRIPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lass from the city,                       
Who liked to show off her big titties.                      
As her panties came down,                                   
She was met with a frown,                                   
For her snatch was all covered with zitties.                
                                                            
61371 SNATCHES - DRIPPY                                       



But after shave?  That's a strange thing.                   
Its praises some folk often sing.                           
But when I shave Erm,                                       
And apply it, she'll squirm,                                
And claims that it makes her cunt sting.                    
                                                            
61372 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



I've heard every girl I've embraced                         
With sugar and spice has been laced,                        
But, assuming that's so,                                    
I am anxious to know                                        
Why they all have an anchovy taste.                         
                                                            
61373 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



There was a young dancer, Priscilla,                        
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.                         
The taste was so fine,                                      
Men and beasts stood in line,                               
Including a stud armadilla. (horny gorilla.)                
                                                            
61374 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                L0424



You're hungry for seafood? Of course.                       
I shall whip up some fresh tartar sauce.                    
When I open your clam,                                      
My sweet lovely ma'am,                                      
I shall slam in my hammer with force.                       
                                                            
61375 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



And your snatch taste, is it sweet?                         
For my tongue, would it be a nice treat?                    
Will it taste like sweet nectar?                            
Will it make me erecter?                                    
If so, then it's "Bon Appetite!"                            
                                                            
61376 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Rodney Williams          



Miss Gryce, the coloratura,                                 
Sings her high C's 'con molto bravura'.                     
Her attack's never blunt                                    
'Cause she sprinkles her cunt                               
With cayenne moistened with Angostura.                      
                                                            
61377 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                G2299



To the doctor went Duchess von Kleering,                    
To complain of a fault persevering --                       
Through her cunt, she could hear.                           
Said the doctor, "Don't fear,                               
You will find it is mere Cherry Heering."                   
(Cherry Heering - a Scandinavian cherry liquer)             
61378 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0507



There was a young lady of Ulva,                             
Who was famed far and wide for her vulva.                   
Most Englishmen said                                        
It was herrings and bread--                                 
But the Turks said it tasted of halva.                      
                                                            
61379 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Gavin Ewart              



I played in the buff with young Buff,                       
And found she liked flavors and stuff.                      
A honeyed navel,                                            
The strains of ravel,                                       
And chocolate poured over her muff.                         
                                                            
61380 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Archie                   



I can see that your life has been rough.                    
How do you put up with that stuff?                          
The best taste in the worl                                  
Is the taste of fresh girl,                                 
But she'd probably not like that enough.                    
                                                            
61381 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Cyber Wizard             



Archie forsook all propriety                                
In his mad quest for variety.                               
"Though it seems a bit banal,                               
I will now try the anal,                                    
Pleading my lack of sobriety!"                              
                                                            
61382 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Ward Hardman             



A young entomologist, Bunny                                 
Did something that I found quite funny.                     
She pulled down her pants                                   
And went hunting for ants,                                  
By coating her cunt with fresh honey.                       
                                                            
61383 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Anon                     



There once was a maiden seraphic                            
Who doted on attitudes Sapphic.                             
She annointed her cunny                                     
With essence of honey--                                     
There's nothing like gumming up traffic.                    
                                                            
61384 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                G0908



'Round here its been so fucking hot,                        
The hooker puts ice in her twat.                            
Too cold for your dick,                                     
But good for a lick,                                        
And a flavor that just hits the spot.                       
                                                            
61385 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



There once was a man named Fripps,                          
Who went to purchase some dips.                             
He liked all the ways                                       
They flavored his lays,                                     
And we ain't talking potato chips.                          
                                                            
61386 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Puff Adder               



A bartender's wife named Michelle                           
Had a snatch that got juicy as hell.                        
Since she tasted so nice,                                   
He would add rum and ice                                    
And mix drinks that were easy to sell.                      
                                                            
61387 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Lims For Year - 01       



Is it true that you frolic with Jello;                      
Your persona is so very mellow.                             
I'd shove lime up her pussy,                                
And orange up her tushy.                                    
I'd be a very happy fellow.                                 
                                                            
61388 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Putz                     



KY Jelly is much too mucky                                  
For me, and I'm sure it tastes yucky.                       
May I suggest,                                              
For flavor that's best,                                     
Au natural for a good fucky.                                
                                                            
61389 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



A girl with a lucrative plot                                
Made a plaster cast of her twat.                            
Which she stuck on a stick                                  
Which she sold to a chick,                                  
Who can do more than pant when she's hot!                   
                                                            
61390 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Chairman Steve           



There was a young girl named Delores,                       
Who had quite a large clitoris.                             
She liked fucking too much                                  
And the cleaning was such                                   
That she tasted a lot like Lavoris.                         
(Lavoris - commercial mouthwash)                            
61391 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



There once was a boy who liked yeast                        
And bread was only the least.                               
He got him a ho';                                           
She had a sour dough,                                       
So he spread her and had him a feast.                       
                                                            
61392 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Violette           TP9901



An innocent freshman named Kim                              
Heard acid increased a girl's vim.                          
So he bought two ripe limes                                 
For a couple of dimes,                                      
And squirted them clear up her quim.                        
                                                            
61393 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Armand E Singer       133



The butcher's apprentice, Miss Gossage,                     
Observed on her cunt a green moss edge.                     
Said the doctor, "How quaint,                               
From a man's meat it ain't,                                 
And it tastes just like smoked liver sausage."              
                                                            
61394 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Albin Chaplin   3024-1267



There was a young lady named Inge,                          
Who went on a binge with a dinge.                           
Now I won't breathe a word                                  
Of what really occurred,                                    
But her cunt has a chocolate fringe.                        
                                                            
61395 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                L0053



There once was a man from Hong Kong,                        
Who tasted Mei's hot egg foo yong.                          
Its spicy fish flavor                                       
Provoked this bold rave: "Her                               
Divine dish could raise a dead dong!"                       
                                                            
61396 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Randog                   



There was a young lady from Troy,                           
Who invented an exquisite joy,                              
She filled up her cran,                                     
With strawberry jam,                                        
And had it sucked out by a boy.                             
                                                            
61397 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



Satsumas are lucious and juicy                              
And nectarines make me all goosey,                          
But no taste anywhere                                       
Can ever compare                                            
To a ripe, steaming succulent pussy.                        
                                                            
61398 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Jim Weaver Collection    



Ther was an old lady of Troy,                               
Who invented a new kind of joy.                             
She sugared her quim,                                       
And frosted the rim,                                        
And then had it sucked by a boy.                            
(Published 1879)                                            
61399 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                L0440



It was cute of this girl of Portsoy                         
To invent this new sort of toy,                             
But having to suck                                          
When he wanted to fuck                                      
Was bloody hard times for the boy.                          
                                                            
61400 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



A tea-swilling bookman, Magee,                              
When he has distant clients to see,                         
Always travels by plane,                                    
And if pressed to explain,                                  
Says, "I dote on T W A tea."                                
                                                            
61401 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                L1712



Said a old cunnilinguist named Boone,                       
"My wife is a lot like a prune:                             
The ugly old bat                                            
Is both wrinkled and fat--                                  
But I do like the tang of her poon!"                        
                                                            
61402 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Norm Storer              



Her bush was a true work of art;                            
It was coiffed in the shape of a heart.                     
And just out of sight                                       
Was another delight,                                        
A twat with the taste of a tart!                            
                                                            
61403 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Stan                     



We know you're a ravishing dish,                            
But would you please answer us this?                        
While most girls are nice,                                  
Made of sugar and spice,                                    
Why do you taste so strongly of fish?                       
                                                            
61404 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



There's a difference in things that I should,               
And things that I rather would.                             
I don't want to date,                                       
A gal with good taste;                                      
I want one who really tastes good.                          
                                                            
61405 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Mike M             TP9802



A guy who went out on a limb,                               
Had thought that his chances were slim.                     
But he started to root                                      
When he found that the fruit                                
Was a tender and juicy young quim.                          
                                                            
61406 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Neal Wilgus         P8511



I've found that the thicker the honey,                      
When spread 'tween the lips of a cunny,                     
Gives rise to a friction,                                   
(I say with conviction),                                    
More pleasing than honey that's runny.                      
                                                            
61407 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Peter Wilkins            



There once was this whore from Des Moines,                  
Whose pussy was tight as a coin.                            
It was tender and sweet,                                    
Such a fine piece of meat,                                  
`hat she went by the name, "Top Sirloin!"                   
                                                            
61408 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Laurence Craft           



My tastebuds have gone quite awry                           
But I, too, would like to know why                          
Those cute lassie sweetums,                                 
Whenever I eat 'ems,                                        
All taste like a tuna pot pie.                              
                                                            
61409 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



There once was a woman named Bunny,                         
Who envied Priscilla's sweet cunny.                         
So she sprinkled her tits                                   
With cinnamon bits                                          
And flavored her pussy with honey.                          
                                                            
61410 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



There was a young girl named Priscilla,                     
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.                         
The taste was so fine,                                      
Men and beasts stood in line,                               
But she called it a day with Godzilla.                      
                                                            
61411 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Stephen Cordwell         



A gourmet's delight is Priscilla,                           
For her breath's a distinct sarsparilla.                    
One breast tastes of thyme,                                 
The other of lime,                                          
And her vaginal flavor's vanilla.                           
                                                            
61412 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Isaac Asimov             



There were two little mice in Rangoon                       
Who sought lunch in an old lady's womb.                     
Cried one mouse, "By Jesus,                                 
I'll wager this cheese is                                   
As old as the cheese in the moon!"                          
                                                            
61413 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Lims For Year - 01       



Now on sweet eatin' Molly I'd dine;                         
No stubble down there would you find.                       
With pussy mythical                                         
Defiantly not typical,                                      
It could change vinegar into wine.                          
                                                            
61414 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



I'm in search of the superlative muff;                      
Smelling sweet and unbelievably tough;                      
On top, bottom or behind,                                   
'Tis always on my mind;                                     
It seems I can not get enough.                              
                                                            
61415 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



I can hump one it seems, for hours;                         
When it smells like a warm field of flowers;                
Then it wears it all out,                                   
(That said, with a pout),                                   
Nothing left, except warm soapy showers.                    
                                                            
61416 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



Yes the quest for the muffy abounds                         
In all villages, cities and towns.                          
'Tis the thrill of the hunt                                 
Of a sweet little cunt,                                     
That keeps us men acting like clowns.                       
                                                            
61417 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



Yet at times, there's no nookie to screw,                   
So the shower will just have to do.                         
With a hand soapy slick,                                    
Just say, "It's my dick                                     
And I'll wash it as fast as I do."                          
                                                            
61418 SNATCHES - FLAVORED                                     



She tempted the whole football team,                        
But her method was kind of extreme.                         
But none tried to dick her,                                 
They wanted to lick her;                                    
She painted her snatch with ice cream.                      
                                                            
61419 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Al Willis                



A psychology student of Galt                                
Used to line her vagina with salt.                          
"It's much better in bed                                    
Than is pepper," she said,                                  
"Which is apt to disturb the gestalt."                      
                                                            
61420 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            Keith MacMillan       64d



There once was a girl from Mt. Grunt                        
Who wiped her ass back to front.                            
Said her beau from Mt. Grabit,                              
Please re-verse this habit;                                 
I'm sick with the taste of your cunt.                       
                                                            
61421 SNATCHES - FLAVORED            H Whelchel               



I met Mr Chang late last night.                             
He said, "My boy, you're pretty bright;                     
Do Western girls lips                                       
That lie 'tween their hips                                  
Go up-down or run left to right.                            
                                                            
61422 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Tiddy                    



I said, "Chang, we Brits have a game,                       
And Blind Buggers Boff is its name.                         
You take every fella                                        
Deep down in the cellar,                                    
And upstairs install every dame.                            
                                                            
61423 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Tiddy                    



The bannisters then they slide down,                        
Unclad, and you hark for the sound.                         
As earthward they go,                                       
The Western girls flow;                                     
Orientals flub-blub to the ground.                          
                                                            
61424 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Tiddy                    



There's a question designed to perplex;                     
Is a pussy concave or convex.                               
"It depends on position",                                   
Said a noted physician,                                     
"And the angle of thrust during sex!"                       
                                                            
61425 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Jeeves              T9710



Some pussy described 'Occidental',                          
While others are tagged 'Oriental'.                         
But I'm telling you                                         
The very best screw                                         
Is pussy that's labeled 'For Rental'.                       
                                                            
61426 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Travis Brasell           



At a party, a young tipsy clown                             
Quizzed an Asian, 'bout what's 'neath her gown.             
"Are you chicks, 'neath the gauze,                          
(With a gesture of paws)                                    
Horizontal or straight up and down."                        
                                                            
61427 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Barfy                    



He had asked with low voice, like a prayer;                 
But this chick was a sharp-tongued dude-slayer.             
She said loud; all could hear;                              
"What's it to you, my dear?                                 
Are you a harmonica player?"                                
                                                            
61428 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Barfy                    



It's true what you say, don't you know?                     
Her voice yet became soft and low.                          
I diddled her clit                                          
And fondled her tit,                                        
While she played on my sweet pink oboe.                     
                                                            
61429 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Obnoxio                  



A prostitute hailing from Seoul                             
Had a quite horizontical hole.                              
Since her boyfriend was round,                              
She proceeded to pound,                                     
Till flat as a board was his pole.                          
                                                            
61430 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Goin2later               



A Chinese stripper at an audition                           
Got the job due to a rare condition.                        
Pussies point mostly down;                                  
She's the only in town                                      
With her jewel in the left-right position.                  
                                                            
61431 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Dirruk                   



There was a young lady whose cunt                           
Was not placed exactly in front.                            
If you wanted to ride,                                      
You approached from the side,                               
Which, it must be allowed, is a stunt.                      
                                                            
61432 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                               G0303



There once was an artist named Thayer                       
Who was really a cubist with flair.                         
He looked all his life                                      
To find him a wife                                          
Possessed of a cunt that was square.                        
                                                            
61433 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                               L1735



With the difference in snatch that abounds,                 
Keep on looking until you have found,                       
Not those shaped as a slit                                  
For a pole to snug fit;                                     
Seek a hole in the mound that is round.                     
                                                            
61434 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Travis Brasell           



Straight from the old horse's mouth:                        
All pussies cause men to arouse.                            
But the ones I like best                                    
Are those found in the west                                 
With their orientation north-south.                         
                                                            
61435 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Dirruk                   



There was a young lady named Blunt,                         
Who had a rectangular cunt.                                 
She learned for diversion                                   
Posterior perversion,                                       
Since no one could fit her in front.                        
                                                            
61436 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                               L0132



Today, I was bored all day long,                            
'Til meeting this girl from Hong Kong;                      
She had tiny tits                                           
And left-to-right splits,                                   
So side-saddle sat on my dong.                              
                                                            
61437 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                                    



When a whore stopped a man in Tobruk,                       
He went down on his knees for a look.                       
He parted her hair,                                         
But her cunthole was square,                                
So he looked at his cock and he shook.                      
                                                            
61438 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-0354



There was a young lady named Hatch,                         
Who had a rectangular snatch,                               
So she practiced coition                                    
With a mathematician,                                       
Who had a square root to match.                             
                                                            
61439 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                                    



Another young fellow named Hatch,                           
His wife had a cubical snatch.                              
In no way out-witted,                                       
(She was also three-titted)                                 
He possessed a square root to match.                        
                                                            
61440 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                               G0355



There was a young lady of Crewe                             
Whose cunt was so straight and so true                      
That the navy, when fighting,                               
Could use it for sighting,                                  
And at full range could sink a canoe.                       
                                                            
61441 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Albin Chaplin 3024  G0301



A girl from North Carolina                                  
Had a tesseract for a vagina.                               
She was raped one day                                       
In a 4-D way,                                               
By a Moebius dick clear from China.                         
                                                            
61442 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                               G2634



A mathematician named Boris,                                
Had a wife with a wonderful clitorus.                       
He charged a small fee                                      
For his colleagues to see                                   
That it was made in the shape of a torus.                   
                                                            
61443 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC                                    



Now some are quite big and some pertical,                   
And however you turn them, insertical.                      
But the ones that I've seen                                 
All tend to have been                                       
Orientical more or less vertical.                           
                                                            
61444 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           MrMalo                   



"I want something new for my pleasure;                      
A pussy convex I would treasure.                            
I don't think they exist,"                                  
He said, sounding pissed,                                   
"But I don't really know cause I'm gay, sir!"               
                                                            
61445 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC           Jeeves              T9710



A young girl who was semi-Chinese                           
Had taken up screwing for fees.                             
Would the proper approach,                                  
If one dared to encroach,                                   
Be exactly half ninety degrees?                             
                                                            
61446 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                     G1759



When Kilroy was stationed in China,                         
The gals he found couldn't be finer.                        
But he was surprised                                        
To see her snatch ran cross-wise --                         
Both her uterus and her vagina.                             
                                                            
61447 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Ed Wolfert          P8406



A newsman in Asia named Norting,                            
Who cabled he'd noticed while sporting,                     
That the locals he'd screwed                                
Had their pussy lips skewed,                                
Has been praised for his slanted reporting.                 
                                                            
61448 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Jim O'Conner        P9301



Mao Tse Tung found a Caucasian miss                         
And got set for a night of sheer bliss.                     
But no one advised him                                      
And so it surprised him                                     
That her cunt looked something like T.,H.,I.,S.             
(THIS to be printed vertically)                             
61449 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Ed C. Wolfert       P8201



A German researcher named Heina                             
Spent years checking whores throughout China,               
To accept or discard                                        
That repeated canard --                                     
The one that concerns their vagina.                         
                                                            
61450 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Armand E Singer       457



An old sailor was heard to rant,                            
"I tries screwing my Korean aunt.                           
It was not my guilt                                         
That made my dong wilt,                                     
But her coozie that is all aslant."                         
                                                            
61451 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Harry Rubin         P9212



There was a young shop clerk of Stoke                       
Who said to her boss, "It's no joke.                        
This working in China                                       
Has moved my vagina--                                       
I have to lie crossways to poke."                           
                                                            
61452 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                     G0459



In his childhood a fellow from China                        
Had a ying-yang befitting a minor.                          
But as he grew taller,                                      
His ying-yang got smaller,                                  
And wound up in a crosswise vagina.                         
                                                            
61453 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Pierce Evans             



At the whorehouse, last night I applied                     
For my usual girl, who replied,                             
"You've grown fat, you must stop                            
Piling on me on top;                                        
From now on it's beneath or astride."                       
                                                            
61454 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED John Miller              



No wonder I rave and I rant!                                
She's Asian and grew at a slant,                            
And try as I might,                                         
I don't get it right,                                       
And come at that angle?  I can't!                           
                                                            
61455 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED John Miller              



There was a young fellow named Viner                        
Who failed to get in a vagina.                              
When visualized frontally,                                  
It ran horizontally--                                       
He forgot he was visiting China.                            
                                                            
61456 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                    G0350A



Mohammed, when lodged at Medina,                            
Imported a fifth wife from China,                           
Being anxious to know,                                      
If it really were so,                                       
That their maids have a squinting vagina.                   
                                                            
61457 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                          



Said an Anglo-Chinese named Elias:                          
"Though most ladies their favors deny us,                   
With girls of our ilk,                                      
Everythings smooth as silk,                                 
As we gaily make love on the bias!"                         
                                                            
61458 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Don Boen            P8201



"My peter," says Peter, "veers right,                       
But it's not an impediment, quite;                          
For aiming just left                                        
Of her left-leaning cleft                                   
Makes her saggy vagina feel tight."                         
                                                            
61459 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED John Miller              



With his Chinese girl, young Christopher                    
Soon found why men were quite pissed of her.                
Her cunt, if you please,                                    
Was off ninety degrees,                                     
And not one man in ten got the gist of her.                 
                                                            
61460 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Albin Chaplin 3024  G0295



Screwed a young Asian girl, now a mother,                   
Occidentals one after another.                              
From these sordid affairs                                   
Came a foresome, not pairs --                               
A ninety, one-eighty, two others.                           
(snatch degrees)                                            
61461 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Arthur Deex         P8911



Some say Chinese women are blessed                          
With pudenda which lie East and West.                       
But inquiries have found                                    
That the theory's unsound;                                  
They point northward, the same as the rest.                 
                                                            
61462 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Tony Davie          P9601



On the north slope of Mount Ananias                         
A damsel, all thought to be pious,                          
Lay there in the nude                                       
And was so soundly screwed,                                 
That today her sex lies on a bias.                          
                                                            
61463 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Grand Prix Lim  210      



The girl at the Great China Wall,                           
To settle it once and for all,                              
She will either say,                                        
"At right angles lay,"                                      
Or prove Chinese girls vertical.                            
                                                            
61464 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Irving Superior     P9407



A young lady from China named Fot                           
Had a cold, and a doctor she sought.                        
Said the doctor, alert,                                     
"Will you please raise your skirt,                          
To confirm the direction of twat."                          
                                                            
61465 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Albin Chaplin   3024-0451



Since one birth in four is Chinee,                          
Explains why of children I've three.                        
By heavens above,                                           
A fourth child I'd love,                                    
But right-angled sex baffles me.                            
                                                            
61466 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Irving Superior     P8201



I had been bored all day long,                              
Till I met this girl from Hong Kong;                        
She had small titties                                       
And horizontal clitty                                       
And rode side-saddle on my dong.                            
                                                            
61467 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Toolman                  



There was a young sailor named Guest,                       
Who was struggling to get on the nest.                      
Said his young Chinese wanton,                              
"Don't forget you're in Canton,                             
The tramlines all run East to West!"                        
                                                            
61468 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                     G0350



All Chinese girls say, "You should try us.                  
Though different, you should not deny us.                   
It runs East and West,                                      
Not North/South like the rest.                              
You might like getting screwed on the bias."                
                                                            
61469 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Theo Heller         P9211



I sing of Sweet Betsy from Pike,                            
Whose vulva was slightly oblique;                           
This small deviation                                        
Was deemed a sensation                                      
By preachers and laymen alike.                              
                                                            
61470 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Armand E Singer       552



There was a marine on Palau,                                
Who looked for a girl to deflower.                          
But to his surprise,                                        
The Jap girls run sidewise,                                 
To deflower on Palau takes know-how.                        
                                                            
61471 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                          



When Kilroy was stationed in China,                         
His slant-eyed gal couldn't be finer.                       
He delighted to fondle                                      
Her slot horizontal,                                        
Both her her labia and her vagina. (...major and minor.)    
                                                            
61472 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Ed C. Wolfert       P8201



In the brothels of Honshu, GIs                              
Learned that stories they'd heard were damned lies.         
Men discovered instead                                      
When the whores got in bed,                                 
Their cunts didn't slant like their eyes.                   
                                                            
61473 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED A. N. Wilkins       P9205



A Nam-era sergeant named Leiter                             
Told recruits of his days as a fighter,                     
And of twats, like the eyes,                                
Of the women -- slantwise,                                  
Which, when they spread their legs, became tighter.         
                                                            
61474 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED A. N. Wilkins       P8701



A Nip girl's coozie is brown.                               
It runs cross-wise, not up and down.                        
I thought you should know,                                  
Because in Tokyo,                                           
The street-cars run only cross-town.                        
                                                            
61475 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Ed C. Wolfert       P8201



A cross-eyed young lady named Mott                          
Was born with a right-angled twat.                          
The more that you spread her,                               
The more it got better;                                     
It tightened her twat quite a lot.                          
                                                            
61476 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Albin Chaplin   3024-0548



The lady from China is sought                               
For sideways direction of twat,                             
And the more that you spread her,                           
The more it gets better,                                    
For it tightens the pussy a lot.                            
                                                            
61477 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Albin Chaplin 3024  P8201



The daughter of Urban the Pope                              
Once had an affair with a slope.                            
The result of her folly                                     
Was four daughters, by golly!                               
Zero, thirty, sixty, and ninety (I hope).                   
                                                            
61478 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Arthur Deex         P8201



A twat-licking priest name of Bright                        
Licked twats up and down with delight.                      
He was sent overseas                                        
To convert the Chinese --                                   
Now he licks from the left to the right.                    
                                                            
61479 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Albin Chaplin   3024-0992



An old Chinaman named Woo Si,                               
Once laid an American Floozie.                              
"How different," he cried,                                  
As he slid it inside,                                       
"To diddle a vertical coozie."                              
                                                            
61480 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                     L1641



A lacivious young lecher named Chew                         
Had balls that were crooked and blue.                       
But he used them with ease                                  
On the heathen Chinese,                                     
For their coozies were also askew.                          
                                                            
61481 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED                     G0293



There was a young man of Regina,                            
Who sampled all kinds of vagina.                            
Some were fat, some were thin,                              
Some were blacker than sin,                                 
And some sideways (on ladies from China).                   
                                                            
61482 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Albin Chaplin 3024  G0436



Suzie Wong was a girl full of banter,                       
And no one knows that she was a slanter,                    
And to all the WASP's glee,                                 
She'd perform for a fee,                                    
At a walk, at a trot, and a canter.                         
                                                            
61483 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED J. Beauregard Pepys P8201



At pussies in China don't scoff                             
Though ninety degrees they are off.                         
When Caucasians are spread,                                 
They are wider a shred,                                     
While in China it tightens the trough.                      
                                                            
61484 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Albin Chaplin 3024  P8201



In bed with an Asian girl, Brant,                           
Took note of her pussy's odd slant.                         
When he asked, "Can you screw                               
With a crack so askew?"                                     
She replied with a smile, "Yes, I can't."                   
                                                            
61485 SNATCHES - GEOMETRIC - SLANTED Bob Giandomenico    P9407



There was a young girl of Peru,                             
Who had nothing whatever to do.                             
So she sat on the stairs,                                   
And counted cunt hairs --                                   
Four thousand, three hundred, and two.                      
                                                            
61486 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 L1511



A brazem old stripper named Thrush                          
Sure must have forgot how to blush;                         
She'd pull up her skirt                                     
As if just to flirt,                                        
Revealing a acre of brush.                                  
                                                            
61487 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Armand E Singer       558



A wigmaker working in Maze                                  
Shocks girls with his unpleasant ways.                      
He traps 'em and snatches                                   
Their sex fuzz in batches,                                  
Which he uses for making toupees.                           
                                                            
61488 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G2423



Experience shows you are wrong;                             
Blondes are the pick for my dong.                           
I just like the fuzzy                                       
Upon their warm wuzzy,                                      
Trimmed up nice and short for my schlong.                   
                                                            
61489 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



A certain young girl of Bel Air,                            
Once carefully braided the hair,                            
All over her crotch,                                        
Letting nobody watch,                                       
And the fellows all thought it unfair.                      
                                                            
61490 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Isaac Asimov             



The pubic hairs nearest her snatch                          
Resembled a raspberry patch;                                
Her men begged her, "Maeve,                                 
Either shave or don't shave!                                
I can't face this starting from scratch!"                   
                                                            
61491 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Robin K. Willoughby P8601



A school girl while combing her hair,                       
And straddling her favorite chair,                          
Was then berated                                            
For her x-rated                                             
Conduct for brushing 'down there'.                          
                                                            
61492 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



You may think that this little vandal                       
Should not have caused quite so much scandal.               
But the reason for this                                     
Was that shameless young miss,                              
Used not just the brush, but the handle!                    
                                                            
61493 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



A lovely slut named Hortense                                
Had pubic hair completely dense.                            
With consistency like wire,                                 
She lit it on fire,                                         
And burned down the town of Florence.                       
                                                            
61494 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Jim Weaver Collection    



Performing bare-bosomed thrilled Tipper,                    
Her first night on stage as a stripper!                     
But disaster ensued.                                        
She was only half nude,                                     
When her cunt hair got caught in her zipper.                
                                                            
61495 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Lims For Year - 01       



There once was this girl named Jane Fox,                    
Whose pussy was covered with long locks.                    
All this pubic hair,                                        
Such a tangled affair,                                      
Made the undergrowth close off her box.                     
                                                            
61496 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Laurence Craft           



Cried a kinky young barber named Hector,                    
Who's depantied a girl to inspect her:                      
"I presume you won't care                                   
If I clip off some hair;                                    
For you see, I'm a boxtop collector.                        
                                                            
61497 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G2363



There once was a pretty young maid,                         
Hirsute to extremes, I'm afraid.                            
It was somewhere behind,                                    
But took too long to find,                                  
So it seems, she had never been laid.                       
                                                            
61498 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0529



A pretty young girl from Eau Claire                         
Had massive amounts of pubic hair.                          
She said to her steady,                                     
"Please fuck me, I'm ready!"                                
He said, "I will as soon as I find where."                  
                                                            
61499 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Laurence Craft           



A hirsute problem had Claire,                               
Whose looks were otherwise fair.                            
Her pubes hung down                                         
From her crotch to the ground,                              
And her tits were all covered with hair.                    
                                                            
61500 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Stan                     



So what is the matter with bald?                            
I can't say that I am enthralled                            
With the crabs and the fleas                                
And the itchy disease,                                      
That I've found in the weeds that I've balled.              
                                                            
61501 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             John Miller              



There was a weird fellow most adipose,                      
'Twas a rare day indeed if his pecker rose.                 
He found that cunt sucking                                  
Was worse than no fucking--                                 
The pussy juice made his beard crepitose.                   
(crepitose - sounds of rattling, crackling)                 
61502 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G2670



There once was a gal from Missouri                          
Whose pussy was really quite furry.                         
One day at the vets,                                        
While attending her pets,                                   
He offered to give her a curry.                             
                                                            
61503 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Anon                     



I once knew of a girl named Mary,                           
Whose cunt was small, but quite hairy.                      
She once had a crave                                        
To give it a shave,                                         
But nicked off the end of her cherry.                       
                                                            
61504 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Sky Shoe                 



A mystery that's long been in force,                        
And the source of much learned discourse:                   
Who first found the fuzz                                    
On Peaches? It was                                          
Peaches' boy friend, of course.                             
                                                            
61505 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Martin Wellborn     P8601



There was an old barber named Schippers                     
Who fucked an old whore with big flippers,                  
And a cunt so hirsute,                                      
That he floundered en route,                                
So he sheared off the bitch with his clippers.              
                                                            
61506 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0599



He said, as he moved his face lower,                        
"Hey, Baby, you know I'm a blower,                          
But this is so thick,                                       
It's making me sick --                                      
So you oughtta get you a mower!"                            
                                                            
61507 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Marlene Lewis            



Pubic hair is put there for a reason                        
That is evident in the cold season.                         
For the balls it's a muff,                                  
For the cock it's a ruff,                                   
And it keeps the vagina from freezin'.                      
                                                            
61508 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G0434



There was a young lady named Carrie                         
Whose crotch was exceedingly hairy.                         
Her cunt was behind it,                                     
And a man went to find it,                                  
But got lost like a mouse on the prairie.                   
                                                            
61509 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0414



So hairy a cunt had Miss Carrier                            
That no man could get past the barrier.                     
That is, no man but Brungle,                                
Who had lived in the jungle,                                
And crashed his way through with a terrier.                 
                                                            
61510 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin 3024  G0287



Girls' cunthair grows strange in variety,                   
And one deeply regrets that society                         
Thinks it vulgar or lewd                                    
To show the stuff nude --                                   
To hell with all prudes and propriety!                      
                                                            
61511 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G0479



Endowed with a thick hairy cnut                             
I wasn't quite sure where to put                            
It in at the start,                                         
So I asked her to fart,                                     
So's I'd know her cnut from her butt.                       
                                                            
61512 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



Hair tickles me inside my nose;                             
A rampant moustache, you suppose?                           
I swear under oath                                          
That this ticklish growth,                                  
Is the muff that belongs to dear Rose.                      
                                                            
61513 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



The cunt hair of young Miss McLees                          
She carefully parts when she pees.                          
She resorts to this measure                                 
Not so much for the pleasure,                               
But she must--the hair hangs to her knees!                  
                                                            
61514 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G0392



There was a young lady of Barrie                            
Whose crotch was exceedingly hairy.                         
Once her beau went to find it,                              
But got lost in behind it,                                  
And when he comes out, they will marry.                     
                                                            
61515 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0393



It don't take a gal who's big breasted                      
To get this ol' rooster interested;                         
For what I likes best                                       
Is not on the chest,                                        
But down where she's is heavily nested.                     
                                                            
61516 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



There was an Old Person of Mold,                            
Who shrank from sensations of cold;                         
So he crawled in the muff                                   
Of a hirsute young fluff,                                   
And wrapped himself well from the cold.                     
                                                            
61517 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Edwardian Leer 092  P8601



A hairy snatch!  My, what a fright!                         
I cringe in my shoes at the site.                           
From the covers I run                                       
Away from the sun,                                          
And quickly I turn off the light.                           
                                                            
61518 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Radsafe2                 



Regarding the Lady Hortense,                                
A woman of rare common sense,                               
She's so in the know,                                       
That she lets her grass grow,                               
And she now has a jungle immense.                           
                                                            
61519 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Frank Sfa                



When Hortense came into full bloom,                         
Her bristles were worse than a broom.                       
As I buried my head,                                        
I could swear a voice said:                                 
"You be Livingstone, now I presume?"                        
                                                            
61520 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Frank Sfa                



Hortense sounds a little like Betty                         
Who's shaggier still than a yeti;                           
To tackle her growth,                                       
You would surely need both                                  
A pith helmet and jungle machete.                           
                                                            
61521 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Peter Wilkins            



An Eskimo maiden named Horner,                              
Was inspecting her puss-in-a-corner.                        
She said, "Jesus, what hair!                                
It looks like a bear.                                       
If papa goes by, I'm a goner!"                              
                                                            
61522 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G0362



There was a young lady named Duff,                          
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.                              
In his haste to get in her,                                 
One eager beginner                                          
Lost both of his balls in the rough.                        
                                                            
61523 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 L1159



A stalwart old fellow named Hatch                           
Made love to a maid with dispatch.                          
She was charming and merry                                  
But her cunt was so hairy,                                  
That he lost his toupee in her snatch.                      
                                                            
61524 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0711



This hooker was hurt by the slurs                           
Of those mocking parts that were hers;                      
They claimed that her snatch                                
Lay buried in thatch,                                       
And johns lost their way in the furs.                       
                                                            
61525 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Armand E Singer       560



A hair loving fellow named Murray,                          
Has screwed all the women of Surrey;                        
He deplored the whole lot                                   
Who had shaven their twat,                                  
But he cherished the ones that were furry.                  
                                                            
61526 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Cap'n Bean          P0800



A rugged old captain named Schwartz                         
Carried cargoes abroad of all sorts.                        
At each port he got laid,                                   
And a mattress he made                                      
From the cunt hairs of whores of the ports.                 
                                                            
61527 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0604



The cunt hair profuse of Miss Steiner                       
Was better than steel and much finer                        
For it fashioned a net,                                     
The strongest one yet,                                      
Which captured a whale and a liner.                         
                                                            
61528 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0623



A raunchy fellow from Zig Zag                 (OR)          
Kept pubic hairs in a big bag.                              
Some fur and some fluff,                                    
From each lady's muff,                                      
The stench of it would make a pig gag.                      
                                                            
61529 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Larry Davis         P8805



In the beauty salon at Fort Flavier,                        
One observes some eccentric behavior:                       
Said one girl, "I don't care                                
For my straight pussy hair.                                 
I came in to have it made wavier."                          
                                                            
61530 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Grand Prix Lim   71 G2338



Lucinda was certainly hairy;                                
Her bush was so thick it was scary.                         
For a man to attack her,                                    
He'd need a Weed Whacker;                                   
So it's unlikely she'll lose her cherry!                    
                                                            
61531 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



There was a young lady named Betty                          
Whose hair was as dense as spaghetti,                       
And her pussy was hairier,                                  
But this was not a barrier                                  
For the man with an ax or machete.                          
                                                            
61532 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0402



A singer named Ursula Grevil                                
Had a lousy affair with the Devil.                          
Her bush was so thick,                                      
It obstructed his prick,                                    
So he sent for the Barber of Seville.                       
                                                            
61533 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl who had a big thatch                                 
Of pubic hair right on her snatch,                          
Said, "What I most crave                                    
Is a really close shave,                                    
So I don't have to itch and to scratch."                    
                                                            
61534 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Anon                     



A hairy young lady was Kay;                                 
Her cunt hair grew faster than hay.                         
She was fucked by a lush,                                   
Who got lost in the brush,                                  
And he's never been found to this day.                      
                                                            
61535 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0496



For blondes, though, I'll still play the clown,             
Or auburn, brunette or just brown.                          
But kinky and black                                         
Seems to mount an attack,                                   
That drives me to wish I could drown.                       
                                                            
61536 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



A hirsute young maiden named Doris                          
Had a practical lover named Morris,                         
Who would sigh "Oh I swear                                  
I could kiss you right there,                               
But I can't see the trees for the forres'."                 
                                                            
61537 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Gordon & Eisenberk  P8203



A smart strip-teaser, Silky Khundt,                         
Is well-stacked in back and in front.                       
Her labial hirsuteness                                      
Accents her cuteness,                                       
For her fur piece you'll not have to hunt.                  
                                                            
61538 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Ed Wolfert          P8302



I don't like the hair of a beast                            
To greet me, no not in the least.                           
Not having to chop                                          
Through a lifetime of crop,                                 
And jungles of bush for my feast.                           
                                                            
61539 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



And I do not like it so smooth                              
That it reminds me of a youth.                              
I want it between;                                          
Gals know what I mean;                                      
A little bush can really soothe.                            
                                                            
61540 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



I used to go streaking on dares;                            
The police used to chase me when bare.                      
One day I got caught;                                       
Barbed wire it was thought.                                 
Now I shave my vagina with care.                            
                                                            
61541 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Dudesdead                



There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,                      
Exceedingly hard to get onto,                               
But when you get there,                                     
And have parted the hair,                                   
You can fuck her as much as you want to.                    
                                                            
61542 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 L0108



I love a young pussy all dewey,                             
But pubics galore makes 'em chewey.                         
And pubies last sound                                       
Before hitting the ground,                                  
Goes something like this one: Patooie!                      
                                                            
61543 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Irish                    



If you'll take a quick peek down beneath                    
You'll spy a luxuriant wreath                               
Of hair that's like wire                                    
Or rare species of briar --                                 
Oh-so-useful for picking one's teeth!                       
                                                            
61544 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Robin K. Willoughby P8601



Though the Boers on South Africa's veldt                    
Perhaps don't appear very svelte,                           
Those sexy Boer dollies,                                    
They sure get their jollies                                 
When the Boers poke their pricks in their pelt.             
                                                            
61545 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Grand Prix Lim   28 G0214



A cadre of hippie coeds                                     
Were natural freaks and potheads.                           
They didn't shave pits,                                     
Spurned bras for their tits,                                
And rolled all their pubes into dreads.                     
                                                            
61546 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             H Welchel                



Both redheads and blondes, at the crown                     
Are silky and fine.  Still I frown                          
With my cheeks in blonde muff,                              
'Cause it's scratchy and rough,                             
While a redhead is lighter than down.                       
                                                            
61547 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



The dark pubic hair of young Sadie,                         
Is the longest you'll find on a lady.                       
You must guess at the angle,                                
When you push through that tangle,                          
But once there, the surroundings are shady.                 
                                                            
61548 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Isaac Asimov             



There is an old maid from North Derry                       
Whose snatch is incredibly hairy.                           
Though she trims without ceasing,                           
Her fur keeps increasing!                                   
I fear that she never will marry.                           
                                                            
61549 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Magyar                   



A bald girl who had a big thatch                            
Of pubic hair covering her snatch                           
Said, "What I most crave                                    
Is a really close shave,                                    
So my bald head and snatch will then match.                 
                                                            
61550 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Anon                     



To his girl, a young fellow named Flock                     
Said, "Show me a fine curly lock                            
Of that beautiful hair,                                     
From between your legs bare,                                
And I'll show you the knob of my cock."                     
                                                            
61551 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0144



That Suzy did sport quite a thatch;                         
The hair on her head was no match.                          
Right after the plunge,                                     
It would act like a sponge,                                 
Thus avoiding the evil wet patch.                           
                                                            
61552 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



The whimsy of Constable Trent,                              
He follows with filthy intent:                              
For he's stuffing a chair                                   
With the curly cunt hair                                    
Of the unfaithful housewives of Kent.                       
                                                            
61553 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Grand Prix Lim   59 G2535



"First we gather the cunt hair," said Ford,                 
"From ten thousand girls, quite a hoard.                    
Then it's dried and compressed                              
Shaped, cut, and dressed.                                   
And that's how we make beaverboard."                        
                                                            
61554 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Michael Weinstein   P8601



I love your tongue making those swirls,                     
And twisting around making twirls.                          
And this time I'll trim.                                    
Some hairs from my quim,                                    
So your teeth won't get stuck in my curls.                  
                                                            
61555 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



There once was a woman from Surrey,                         
Plagued with a bum that was furry.                          
She'd wax it and pluck it                                   
And then tried to tuck it                                   
In places that caused her to worry.                         
                                                            
61556 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Annie Jay                



There once was a Queen of Bulgaria,                         
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,                   
'Till a Prince from Peru                                    
Who came up for a screw                                     
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.                    
                                                            
61557 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 L0138



A destitute trapper was Skinner;                            
His catch was so poor he got thinner.                       
He set off in pursuit                                       
Of the beaver hirsute,                                      
To provide him with warmth and a dinner.                    
                                                            
61558 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE             Albin Chaplin   3024-2306



This Colette to whom you were attended                      
Was so fucking hirsutely pudended;                          
My intentions made known,                                   
I'm left holding my bone;                                   
Not quite sure which end I intended.                        
                                                            
61559 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



Confession is good for the soul.                            
I admit that I've dreamed of a hole,                        
That was not round but square,                              
And had silky green hair,                                   
So thick it was like a mink stole.                          
                                                            
61560 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                      



There was a young fellow named Jones,                       
Whose fiancee had prominent bones,                          
And more than her share                                     
Of superfluous hair                                         
Around her erogenous zones.                                 
                                                            
61561 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE                                 G0371



This portal beplumed with it's thatch,                      
Yields to entrants so flawless a match,                     
That few males, to be sure,                                 
Can resist its allure,                                      
When offered so snary a hatch.                              
                                                            
61562 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Bob Giandomenico         



An ornithologist named Mary,                                
Had a cunt excessively hairy.                               
'Midst the bramblous thatch                                 
That covered her snatch,                                    
Roosted three owls, a duck, and canary.                     
                                                            
61563 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Wong                           
Whose cunt hair was thick and so strong,                    
That workmen were able                                      
To fashion a cable,                                         
For constructing a bridge a mile long.                      
                                                            
61564 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Albin Chaplin   3024-2394



A talented weaver named Lou                                 
Gave up weaving, but took up in lieu                        
The making of string                                        
From the hairs on her thing                                 
Which she braided while perched on the loo.                 
                                                            
61565 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Theo Heller         P9112



There once was a girl named Louise                          
Whose cunt-hair hung down to her knees.                     
The crabs in her twat                                       
Tied the hair in a knot,                                    
And constructed a flying trapeze.                           
                                                            
61566 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY                         L1468



A lock-keeper's lass in Upavon,                             
Had locks that were black as a raven;                       
On her head they were straight,                             
But they curled near the gate                               
Which led to her innermost haven.                           
                                                            
61567 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Harold C Bibby           



The beaver of hot-pantied Pearl,                            
Incredibly just didn't curl.                                
When a hot-handed date                                      
Said, "Your twat hair's so straight!"                       
She suggested he give it a twirl.                           
                                                            
61568 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY                              



The peach fuzz of young Miss McSweeney                      
Curls out from her teeny bikini.                            
It's a glorious sight,                                      
To be viewed with delight,                                  
And it stirs even grandpappy's weenie.                      
                                                            
61569 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Grand Prix Lim  742 G0394



There was a hairdresser named Pierre,                       
Who dressed a girl's hair in his chair.                     
And he dressed it so nice                                   
For a nominal price,                                        
That she asked him to dress her affair.                     
                                                            
61570 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Albin Chaplin   3024-2229



So Pierre with a feeling of bliss                           
Went to work on the cunt of this miss.                      
And he dressed it so fine                                   
With his skillful design,                                   
That it reached out and gave him a kiss.                    
                                                            
61571 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Albin Chaplin   3024-2230



There was a girl named Yeti                                 
Who's cunt hair was thick as spaghetti.                     
The crabs in her twat                                       
Tied her hair in a knot;                                    
And to get in you had to use a machete.                     
                                                            
61572 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY                              



A lazy young girl named McGlore                             
Trimmed her pussy fur often, below her.                     
For she got up quite late,                                  
And her hair was so straight                                
That putting in curlers was a bore.                         
                                                            
61573 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY                         G2413



A strident fem libber, DeVries,                             
Had cunt hair that hung to her knees.                       
It was good to shine brass,                                 
Or for wiping her ass,                                      
And the crabs used it for a trapeze.                        
(The crabs in her twat, Tied the hair in a knot,)           
61574 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY                              



A fastidious hairdresser named Hatch                        
Prepared a girl's hair with dispatch.                       
It looked neat and so prim                                  
That she asked him to trim                                  
The hair on her pussy to match.                             
                                                            
61575 SNATCHES - HIRSUTE - FANCY     Albin Chaplin   3024-2102



Women are devious I fear,                                   
With their sly, man-trapping weir.                          
They should, I submit,                                      
Have tattooed near their clit:                              
"Abandon hope, ye who enter here."                          
                                                            
61576 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            John K. Roberts     P9302



A fussy young lady named Brinkage,                          
When fucking, would raise a big stinkage.                   
But a simple mechanic                                       
Avoided a panic                                             
By adjusting the stops on her linkage.                      
                                                            
61577 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0061



An intrepid explorer named Barr                             
Once encountered a pussy bizarre.                           
Though at times he did bungle                               
And got lost in the jungle,                                 
Yet this cunt beat the jungle by far.                       
                                                            
61578 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0391



An erection she called a hard "woodie,"                     
And her foot she has labeled her "foodie."                  
Seems her office computer                                   
Has been dubbed her "puter,"                                
And her twat she has christened her "poodie."               
                                                            
61579 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Bob Birch                



A fussy old plumber named Bokum                             
Would not stand for fooling or hokum.                       
Before diddling a whore                                     
With an oversize bore,                                      
He would carefully caulk her with oakum.                    
                                                            
61580 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0651



A well-worn old harlot named Papp,                          
No longer the men could entrap.                             
So she studied the bores                                    
Of successful young whores,                                 
And did well after closing the gap.                         
                                                            
61581 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin            



There was a young lady named Fran,                          
Had a short-peckered lover named Dan.                       
In bed the poor runt                                        
Would fire up her cunt,                                     
But she cooled it with an electric fan.                     
                                                            
61582 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                G2128



In his lab, an old scientist Cluck                          
By a novel idea was struck,                                 
So he worked night and day                                  
To improve on the lay                                       
By inventing a cunt that would suck.                        
                                                            
61583 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0459



There a passionate lady of Yorrick,                         
Whose temperature's always caloric.                         
As a general rule                                           
She deep-fries a guy's tool.                                
For him, screwing her is historic!                          
                                                            
61584 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Grand Prix Lim  078 G0820



A bionic young hooker named Pitts                           
Had unscrewable vulvas and tits:                            
Quite quickly detachable                                    
And easily matchable,                                       
A real treat for her johns -- perfect fits.                 
                                                            
61585 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Loren Fitzhugh      P2006



There was a young lady named Hunt                           
Who performed the unusual stunt                             
Of screwing by mail                                         
When she was in jail,                                       
For she had a detatchable cunt.                             
                                                            
61586 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Isaac Asimov             



The box said "Takes 2 D-cell Batteries"                     
"An odd crotch tattoo," thought Slattery.                   
"Well if that's what she wants,                             
To 'Energizer' cunt,                                        
And keep going and going, what does it matter, Eh?"         
                                                            
61587 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            John Chastaine           



There was a dry virgin named Hunt                           
Who said, "Yes, I'm rough up in front."                     
But a man greased his borer                                 
With Fnerk's Hair Restorer,                                 
And gave her an ermine-lined cunt.                          
                                                            
61588 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                G1565



A couple, Johannson and Inga,                               
On the subject of sex loved to linga.                       
She said, "It is clear.                                     
When you itch your own ear,                                 
The latter feels best, not the finga."                      
                                                            
61589 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Ogni Gioia               



I come from the grand Carolinas,                            
Where we know what to do with vaginas.                      
We sticks our rods in 'em                                   
And fills 'em with gism,                                    
And our dicks smell simply devina.                          
                                                            
61590 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Mike Hunter              



A bedouin travelling to Qatr                                
Was afraid that he'd run out of water.                      
But his worries were ended                                  
When he filled his upended                                  
Concubines, and his wives, and his daughter.                
                                                            
61591 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Robin K. Willoughby P8407



There was an old whore name of Tucker,                      
Whose cunt had a curious pucker;                            
Easy in past the snout                                      
But all hell to pull out.                                   
Most thought is much safer to suck her.                     
                                                            
61592 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Armand E Singer       268



Her ex asked her new love with scorn                        
If used merchandise had made him forlorn.                   
"Not at all," he replied,                                   
"She's just like a new bride,                               
Once I get past the part that is worn."                     
                                                            
61593 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Bob Giandomenico    P9410



Maggie sat with her hand clamped on mine,                   
As the orchestra played "Auld Lang Syne."                   
"Now we've come," she said, "Joe,                           
Don't you think we should go?"                              
But my hand on hers felt too damn fine...                   
                                                            
61594 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Grand Prix Lim   39      



In the days when I was a rover,                             
I boffed girls from Lands End to Dover.                     
The Welsh and the Scots                                     
Have got beautiful twats,                                   
But the Irish, ah there you're in clover!                   
                                                            
61595 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Tony Burrell             



Said Flo to her husband, refined,                           
I'm leaving, you're cruel and unkind."                      
He said to her, "Flo                                        
I don't care if you go,                                     
Just as long as your cunt stays behind."                    
                                                            
61596 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0313



A bachelor fellow named Ramon                               
Would check before letting a dame in.                       
Of a girl, he asked, "Mary,                                 
Do you still have your cherry?"                             
She said, "No, just the box that it came in."               
                                                            
61597 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0309



"I am proud of my twat," bragged Rose Pride, "It            
Is famed as the best far and wide; it                       
Charms men by the dozens,                                   
Their uncles, their cousins:                                
You'll never know why till you tried it."                   
                                                            
61598 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Armand E Singer       900



A proverb of Tiglath-Pileser,                               
Assyrian king, lady-pleaser:                                
"Since pussy is flesh,                                      
It must be kept fresh                                       
By keeping it wrapped in the freezer."                      
                                                            
61599 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



Even though dicks make you balk,                            
And spunk will your crack never caulk,                      
I'll try this here line:                                    
"It's largely divine;                                       
A jumbo-sized clit on a stalk."                             
                                                            
61600 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the vet, petting Kitty to quiet her,                   
"Your pussy has got a bit lighter."                         
"The vet was quite right,"                                  
Said her lover that night,                                  
"It also has got a bit tighter."                            
                                                            
61601 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



There was a young girl named Maxine,                        
Who found a new use for the bean.                           
As a vaginal bearing,                                       
She found it long-wearing,                                  
And it varied her fucking routine.                          
                                                            
61602 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                L1477



A gorgeous young girl, Dominique,                           
Had a pussy like milky Lalique...[thin china]               
'Twas lovely and pale,                                      
That creamy soft vale,                                      
And displayed at a glazier's boutique.                      
                                                            
61603 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Tutta Gioia              



There once was a woman of Britain,                          
Whose pussy was as soft as a kitten.                        
When winter came round,                                     
She quite quickly found                                     
That her twat made a lovely warm mitten.                    
                                                            
61604 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Anon                     



There was a young lady of Lincoln,                          
Who said that her cunt was a pink 'un.                      
So she had a prick lent her                                 
Which turned it magenta,                                    
This artful old lady of Lincoln.                            
(Published 1870)                                            
61605 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                L0187



The girl cautioned the English Professor                    
That he certainly didn't impress her...                     
But his hand in her snotch                                  
Made her tick like a watch.                                 
What happened, Man?  You're a good guesser.                 
                                                            
61606 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Grand Prix Lim  811      



I'll tell you the tale of young Skinner,                    
Whose wife warmed her quim 'stead of dinner.                
When he find pubic hairs                                    
From her sliding down stairs,                               
He'd know it was time to get in her.                        
                                                            
61607 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Armand E Singer         7



Relax, dear, this won't hurt a bit.                         
I'll nibble a bit on this tit                               
And then my long finger                                     
Will slide and then linger                                  
On taint and on hole and on clit.                           
                                                            
61608 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Archie                   



When ladies quite fancy a fiddle,                           
And lie on the bed for a diddle,                            
With which little finger                                    
Do most of them linger;                                     
The index, perhaps or the middle.                           
                                                            
61609 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Peter Wilkins            



If diddling the girls is your sport an'                     
It's hands only, then the least short an'                   
Stubby's the center                                         
With which to indent her;                                   
That's why it is known as the courtin'.                     
                                                            
61610 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Tiddy Ogg                



Doc Clary, reporting for duty,                              
To keep you from cramping, my beauty;                       
You may rest on your back                                   
While I snuggle your snack,                                 
And rummage your rooty-toot-tootie.                         
                                                            
61611 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



There was a French lady from Ghent,                         
Whose niche grew contorted, quite bent.                     
She then took up running;                                   
This maid wasn't funning;                                   
She hired it for mixing cement.                             
                                                            
61612 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Atlas                    



There are few who would screw or dispute any                
Of the claims of some dames from the Kootenay               
As to moisture and size --                                  
Although doubts could arise                                 
Were they open to critical scrutiny.                        
                                                            
61613 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Keith MacMillan       98a



No matter if smooth or fuzzy,                               
As long as it isn't scuzzy.                                 
It must be free                                             
Of disease and debris,                                      
And attached to a brazen hussy.                             
                                                            
61614 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Mr Malo                  



I think it's a shame and a pity                             
To marry a girl with small titty.                           
But worse that that                                         
Is a nasty old cat,                                         
Where there should be a tasty young kitty!                  
                                                            
61615 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Mike M             TP9802



To his bride said the farmer named Brickley,                
As he fondled her cunt, sprouting thickly,                  
"Though it looks very nice,                                 
We must pack it in ice.                                     
I don't want it to ripen too quickly."                      
                                                            
61616 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0058



I sometimes go down to the gym;                             
For us guys it's a means to keep trim.                      
But for girls it's enough                                   
To do pelvic floor stuff,                                   
To improve on the tightness of quim.                        
                                                            
61617 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Peter Wilkins            



It was after the couple had dined,                          
That the fellow, being unkind,                              
Told the girl, "To be blunt,                                
You've your brains in your cunt!"                           
So she gave him a piece of her mind.                        
                                                            
61618 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



A blushing young bride who's named Candy,                   
With her quim was incredibly handy.                         
On her wedding night,                                       
To her husband's delight,                                   
She fill it with a pint of brandy.                          
                                                            
61619 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Anon                     



Her callers were shocked when Miss Moore                    
Said, "My cat Joe and William adore.                        
They know I will grouse                                     
Petting it in the house,                                    
So they play with my pussy next door..."                    
                                                            
61620 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Grand Prix Lim  552      



On his wife, the old surgeon of Wheeling                    
Raised her cunt to a place more appealing.                  
So when licking her bore                                    
He could rise off the floor                                 
Thus avoiding the stigma of kneeling.                       
                                                            
61621 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin            



There was a young clit who instead,                         
Rubbed it with eggs by her head.                            
When it would rise,                                         
She'd then crack her eyes,                                  
And enjoy a wet breakfast in bed.                           
                                                            
61622 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            James                    



So big was the cunt of Miss Critchit,                       
No man could allay what did itch it.                        
She had given up hope                                       
Till, with tackle and rope,                                 
An old sailor was able to stitch it.                        
                                                            
61623 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0428



To his mate, as their parts separate                        
He sighed, "I can truthfully state                          
Not in ten thousand coozies                                 
In ten thousand floozies,                                   
Have I found one a millionth as great!"                     
                                                            
61624 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Grand Prix Lim  700      



The pussy's not much of a sight;                            
To reveal it is thought impolite.                           
But the pussy appeals                                       
In the way that it feels,                                   
When you slide into mine in the night!                      
                                                            
61625 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



A frigid young flapper from Bender                          
Suspected that nothing could sender,                        
Till one fall at a ball                                     
She went clean up the wall                                  
When a hand from the band touched her gender.               
                                                            
61626 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Hugh Oliver           85b



There once was a young girl called Dot,                     
Whose cunny was smokingly hot.                              
A young lad called Mick,                                    
Once burned off his dick.                                   
Coincidence?  Well, maybe not.                              
                                                            
61627 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



There was an old fellow named Rapp,                         
Whose job, all considered a snap.                           
In the insane asylum,                                       
He'd grade cunts and file 'em,                              
And bi-weekly, rub up their nap.                            
                                                            
61628 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                L1717



There was a young lady called Mippit,                       
Who kept in her cavern a clip.  It                          
Kept quite secure                                           
Each masculine skewer,                                      
And the only excape was to snip it.                         
                                                            
61629 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Prof                     



The mound on the lissome Ms. Willow,                        
Is crowned with a lush fleecy billow,                       
Which her lovers have said,                                 
Is superb to give head,                                     
And chin such a soft wussy pillow.                          
                                                            
61630 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Bob Giandomenico    P9707



My favorite subject ain't farts;                            
My favorite is girls' private parts.                        
They're perfect for filling,                                
Jeez they'd make a killing                                  
If they sold them at all the Wal-Marts.                     
                                                            
61631 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



Young ladies on bikes can ride far                          
And their status with men is at par.                        
But when ladies ride straddle                               
On an old Western saddle,                                   
It is stretching a good thing too far.                      
                                                            
61632 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-2040



I don't mind if a girl rides a helicopter,                  
I don't mind if a girl rides a car,                         
But the girl who rides straddle                             
An old fashioned saddle                                     
Is stretching things a bit too far.                         
                                                            
61633 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                L0868



A mechanical horse  at the Mall,                            
Lets pre-teen girls ride, proud and tall;                   
"Yippee yi"s , "yippee yoo's"                               
And they thump ring-dang-doo's;                             
The saddle-horn stretches 'em all!                          
                                                            
61634 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



Its smallness made boffing quite wretched.                  
So a new Vulvamatic I fetch-ed.                             
I heaved and I hoed                                         
As, upon it, I rode                                         
It until I was properly stretch-ed.                         
                                                            
61635 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



There was a young whore named Diana,                        
Who would have anyone for a tanner.                         
Amidst roars of applause,                                   
She would let down her drawers,                             
And tighten her cunt with a spanner.                        
(tanner - small British coin)                               
61636 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                G1773



A much deformed lady named Scott                            
By young men was constantly sought.                         
Though her cunt was distorted                               
And strangely contorted,                                    
Men were thrilled by the twist in her twat.                 
                                                            
61637 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Albin Chaplin   3024-0611



A curious mammal's the beaver;                              
Not the animal -- but the "receiver".                       
It's a great place to hide                                  
A gent's sausage inside,                                    
A grand prize for the overachiever!                         
                                                            
61638 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



A man with a miniature tool,                                
Went to whore houses feeling the fool,                      
'Till he found an old gal                                   
Who was deep as a well                                      
And he jumped in her cunt, it was cool!                     
                                                            
61639 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



As one with a similar affliction,                           
I know that this story's not fiction.                       
When I want to befoul 'em,                                  
I use powdered alum                                         
To give them the needed constriction.                       
                                                            
61640 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                     



An aesthetic young miss of Calcutta                         
Set all the men's hearts in a flutter.                      
He bubs were immense,                                       
Her arse was intense,                                       
And her cunt was too utterly utter!                         
(printed 1881)                                              
61641 SNATCHES - IMPROVED                                G0282



There was a young person of Smyrna,                         
Whose grandmother threatened to burn her;                   
But she seized on the cat,                                  
And said, "Granny, burn that!"                              
(Warm pussy is always a winner.)                            
                                                            
61642 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Edwardian Leer 032  P9306



When queried, Miss Hatch down in Natchez,                   
Said, "Really, I know what a snatch is.                     
Whenever I itch                                             
Down her in this niche,                                     
My snatch is the patch where I scratches."                  
                                                            
61643 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Pierce Evans             



There once was a lady named Dot.                            
Who inserted a fly in her twat.                             
When you tickled her fuzz,                                  
That fucker would buzz,                                     
Until you glued its wings with a shot.                      
                                                            
61644 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Mad Poet                 



Isn't it great that the snatch has a hole;                  
Without, there's no place for the pole.                     
It'd blunder and bumble,                                    
When the time came to rumble,                               
Without ever scoring a goal.                                
                                                            
61645 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Matt King                



An oversized girl from Dewitt                               
Wished her cunt was smaller a bit.                          
Taking alum from the shelf,                                 
Poked it into herself,                                      
But she got the wrong hole, no shit!                        
                                                            
61646 SNATCHES - IMPROVED            Laurence Craft           



On his girl a young gourmet named Lissing                   
Put whipped cream on where she was pissing.                 
And on this spot hairy,                                     
He added a cherry,                                          
For that was the thing that was missing.                    
                                                            
61647 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Albin Chaplin   3024-1274



A finicky young whippersnapper,                             
Had ways so revoltingly dapper,                             
That a young lady's quim                                    
Didn't interest him,                                        
If it hadn't a cellophane wrapper.                          
                                                            
61648 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                      L1557



An electrician's daughter named Haines,                     
Wore always her three golden chains.                        
On each was a locket                                        
Wired into her socket,                                      
Her arse, and of course, to the mains.                      
                                                            
61649 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Franbo                   



A Victorian maiden named Newell                             
Had a box she'd embroidered in crewel,                      
And maintained on display.                                  
To a viewer she'd say,                                      
"It contains, sir, a clittering jewel!"                     
(crewel - slackly twisted yarn used in embroidery - McW)    
61650 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Jim Weaver Collection    



A chippy who whored in Lake Nash                            
Crocheted the cunt hair on her gash.                        
Said she, "Ain't it silly                                   
To make my cunt frilly?                                     
But it brings in lots more fucking cash."                   
                                                            
61651 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                      G2395



There once were two whores from the Bosphorus,              
Who declared, "The men are all for us.                      
And the light is so dim,                                    
They can't see to get in."                                  
So they painted their privates with phosphorous.            
                                                            
61652 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                      G2270



There was a seductive Brazilian                             
Who tinted her twat bright vermilion.                       
Admiring her work,                                          
She said with a smirk,                                      
"That cunt, she is one in a million!"                       
                                                            
61653 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Grand Prix Lim  459 G0263



There was a young lady from Natchez                         
Who embroidered the place where her snatch is.              
With limited fundin',                                       
She journeyed to London,                                    
To compare it with Margaret Thatcher's.                     
                                                            
61654 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Clifford M. Christ  P8302



A Sweet Young Thing from Regina                             
Possessed a most unique vagina.                             
When diddled and rolled,                                    
It gave nuggets of gold,                                    
Just like an Old 49er.                                      
                                                            
61655 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady from China,                          
Who mistook her mouth for her vagina.                       
Her clitoris huge,                                          
She covered with rouge,                                     
And lipsticked her labia minor.                             
                                                            
61656 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                      L1388



There once was a lady from Pons                             
Grew a rose-garden on her mons.                             
It would have been great                                    
But those thorns irritate;                                  
Next time we suggest she do lawns.                          
                                                            
61657 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Kathi Webster            



For diversion my foolish friend Frott,                      
Tattooed all around his wife's twat.                        
It'd give many pleasures                                    
To view her art treasures,                                  
But only us two view the spot!                              
                                                            
61658 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                      G2346



A woman who was not a saint,                                
Would cover her body with paint.                            
Her tits she did black,                                     
Her clit she'd shellac,                                     
With a touch of chartreuse on her taint.                    
                                                            
61659 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Jim Weaver Collection    



A dresser of hair named Louise                              
Could stylishly back-comb and tease                         
A musky muff-thatch                                         
Or perm a whole snatch,                                     
With a perky pink part sure to please.                      
                                                            
61660 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Tiddy Ogg                



A Lancashire whore named Lunt,                              
Had a clever promotional stunt.                             
When the air was so foul,                                   
You could not see at all,                                   
She burned a red flare in her cunt.                         
                                                            
61661 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                           



A Lancashire nympho named Lunt                              
Has a clever promotional stunt:                             
When the fog is so thick                                    
That she's lacking for prick,                               
She burns a red flare in her cunt.                          
                                                            
61662 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                      G2406



There once was a barber from Bundt                          
Who'd leave little braids top and front.                    
He's high in demand,                                        
And all 'cross the land,                                    
Renowned for his shaving of cunt.                           
                                                            
61663 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Tiddy Ogg                



To brighten up her Christmas nights,                        
She has strung some nice colored lights,                    
That sparkle and twinkle,                                   
But how will she tinkle                                     
With lights in the crotch of her tights?                    
                                                            
61664 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Travis Brasell           



But now there's a whole new sensation,                      
That came with shocking realization.                        
Those twinkling lights                                      
Brought me to new heights,                                  
Whenever I practice masturbation.                           
                                                            
61665 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Carol                    



Each Christmas when her I unwrap,                           
And my cock then I cram in her lap,                         
Electrical wires                                            
Cause passionate fires                                      
That burn as I get a big zap!                               
                                                            
61666 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Jon Gearhart             



A widow who lived in Rangoon,                               
Hung a black-ribboned wreath on her womb,                   
"To remind me", she said,                                   
"Of my husband who's dead,                                  
And of what put him into his tomb."                         
                                                            
61667 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED                      L1522



The widow who hied from Rangoon                             
Was really somewhat of a loon;                              
And that wreath that she'd got                              
Hanging off of her twat,                                    
Has since gone to rack and to ruin.                         
                                                            
61668 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Robin K. Willoughby P8507



While licking the clit of my lover,                         
An earring I chanced to discover.                           
I know it's a fad;                                          
Not saying it's bad;                                        
But I must say I do think less of her.                      
                                                            
61669 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - ADORNED  Writerman                



There was an old maid named Alvina                          
Who crouched on the bedroom's best china.                   
But the Cranes and the Kohlers                              
Improved on one-holers,                                     
And now she bidets her vagina.                              
(Cranes and Kohlers - plumbing fixtures manufacturers)      
61670 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED                      G2240



A furnace repairman named Bates                             
Examined a spinster named Yates.                            
He thrust up her flue                                       
Like the chimney sweeps do,                                 
And the clinkers he cleaned from her grates.                
                                                            
61671 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Albin Chaplin   3024-1310



More research is needed, I feel.                            
So ladies, if such things appeal,                           
A bottle of Coke                                            
Shaken first should provoke,                                
Sensations thus.  Does this appeal?                         
                                                            
61672 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED                           



A trailer-trash slut name of Sue,                           
Could clean up when her customers were through,             
By flushing her box                                         
With full-strength Clorox,                                  
And gargling with flat Mountain Dew.                        
                                                            
61673 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  John Chastaine           



Said an old Brooklyn whore, Edna Coyle,                     
"I've been at this since I was a goil.                      
Now I creak and I squeak,                                   
So at least once a week,                                    
I must douche with a quart of Pennzoil!"                    
                                                            
61674 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Ann Gasser          P9007



I hope you don't take it to heart                           
That she thinks you're coming's a fart.                     
She says you, you pig,                                      
Said her pussy's too big,                                   
But it's fine when I'm past the used part.                  
                                                            
61675 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED                           



A poet by the name of Stone                                 
Copped a squat on an ice cream cone.                        
The resulting deep freeze                                   
That killed all her fleas,                                  
Was the greatest pleasure she'd ever known.                 
                                                            
61676 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Jim Weaver Collection    



Young Doris used lip balm with aloe,                        
But, mostly, it was made of tallow.                         
It said "Rub the wax                                        
Into all the cracks."                                       
Now, Doris lies, frequently, fallow.                        
                                                            
61677 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED                           



Well, good heavens!  Here's Petrie Dish Sue!                
They just steam-cleaned her ring-a-dang-doo!                
Now, we'll park in my truck,                                
With no fear she'll get stuck                               
To the seat, like with sticky-gum glue!                     
                                                            
61678 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED                           



A simple young lady named Sasso                             
Would polish her pussy with Brasso.                         
The reason, I trust --                                      
To eliminate rust                                           
Which ran is long streaks from her ass-o!                   
                                                            
61679 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Albin Chaplin   3024-2278



All the  girls soon will come back to  Rue's,               
After maintenance is done on each cooz;                     
Trav got 'em so sticky,                                     
They'll stall out a "quickie";                              
They steam-cleaned their ring-a-dang-doos!                  
                                                            
61680 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED                           



Among the West's settlers and squatters                     
Was Bubba, who made some ink blotters.                      
But there was no ink,                                       
So Bubba, I think,                                          
Was first to make blotters for twatters.                    
                                                            
61681 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Travis Brasell           



If I had a girl named Delores,                              
Whose cunt had a texture quite porous,                      
I'd smear her with lard                                     
Then screw her real hard,                                   
With Vaseline on her clitoris!                              
                                                            
61682 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  CyberCelt           T9710



I sing of a soldier named Pell                              
Whose mistress was French (did she smell!);                 
The night after D-Day                                       
He bought her a bidet --                                    
The course of true love now runs well.                      
                                                            
61683 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Armand E Singer       330



A naked old girl from Vancouver                             
Was cleaning her room with a Hoover.                        
She vacuumed her cunny,                                     
Which wasn't too funny,                                     
'Cause it took seven men to remove her.                     
                                                            
61684 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Anon                     



There lived a young thing in Marseilles                     
Who giggled when on the bidet.                              
It tickled her end                                          
'Cause her young plumber friend                             
Had charged up the pipes with Perrier.                      
                                                            
61685 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED                           



They loved to relax in the bath,                            
Having shagged there, once and a half.                      
It was good for his soul,                                   
Slipping soap in her hole,                                  
And rinsing it was quite a laugh.                           
                                                            
61686 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Lyonesseuk               



The shampoo says "keep out of eyes,"                        
But not panicing, instead she sighs.                        
There's no need to worry;                                   
To rinse there's no hurry,                                  
'Cause it doesn't sting 'twixt my thighs!"                  
                                                            
61687 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Lyonesseuk               



A precautious jeune fille named Colette,                    
Parked her prat on a purple biditte,                        
And remarked with a wince:                                  
"It is nonsense to rinse                                    
When I ain't even been diddled yet."                        
                                                            
61688 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Grand Prix Lim  981 G1536



Now the Queen of the Nile's fertile cresent,                
If you rub it, appears phosphorescent;                      
And it especially melts her                                 
If you pop in a seltzer,                                    
And belabor the thing effervescent.                         
                                                            
61689 SNATCHES - IMPROVED - CLEANED  Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



A novice young man unaware,                                 
Had chosen a girl sweet and fair.                           
What he thought he would treasure                           
As the seat of his pleasure,                                
Became the abyss of despair.                                
                                                            
61690 SNATCHES - LARGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2351



A tongue-tied man from Fort Worth,                          
Had a dick with tremendous girth,                           
He said with a grin,                                        
As he slid it on in,                                        
"I can thee I am not your firtht."                          
                                                            
61691 SNATCHES - LARGE                                        



I'm dating a guy with two cocks;                            
His balls are like boulders, not rocks.                     
Each time, nothing loath,                                   
He sticks them in both,                                     
So imagine the size of my box!                              
                                                            
61692 SNATCHES - LARGE               Loretta F          TP9802



There was a young lady named Groatwell                      
Whose pussy was big as a boatwell.                          
When she drew in some air,                                  
And then tied her cunt hair,                                
She could jump in the water and float well.                 
                                                            
61693 SNATCHES - LARGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0463



A horny old bastard named Larry                             
Found all young women quite cherry.                         
He once got the chance                                      
To get down one's pants,                                    
And found that a fist he could bury!                        
                                                            
61694 SNATCHES - LARGE                                        



My organ is quite long and fat.                             
It's played often and never gone flat.                      
There's adequate measure                                    
For temples of pleasure,                                    
But not in cathedral like that.                             
                                                            
61695 SNATCHES - LARGE               Anon                     



There was a young girl from Des Moines                      
Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,                      
Till a guy from Hoboken                                     
Went and dropped in a token,                                
And now she rides free on the ferry.                        
                                                            
61696 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L0151



The wife of young Richard of Limerick                       
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,                  
Still grows in diameter                                     
Each time that you ram at her.                              
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"                 
                                                            
61697 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L0186



The genital area of Ann                                     
Will accomodate any size man,                               
From the wee that cause titters                             
To the mighty twat-splitters,                               
That cause screams they hear in Japan.                      
                                                            
61698 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   G0237



While giving big Bertha her fill                            
He panted: "Did you take a pill?"                           
At this Bertha frowned:                                     
"Can't handle my mound?"                                    
"What mound?", he said, "It's Fanny Hill!"                  
                                                            
61699 SNATCHES - LARGE               SFA                      



Quite a trap has big Bertha of Kent;                        
Don't despair if your todger gets bent.                     
You just take careful note                                  
And then loudly you gloat,                                  
When it happens to some other gent.                         
                                                            
61700 SNATCHES - LARGE               Allen Wolverton          



There was a young lady named Joan,                          
Who got all her thrills from the phone,                     
Secreting the bell,                                         
And receiver as well,                                       
Where you wouldn't believe it, if not shown.                
                                                            
61701 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   G2148



According to letters from Dahlia,                           
She's throwing some super regalia,                          
Where men with compunction                                  
Can join in the function                                    
Of pleasing her large genitalia.                            
                                                            
61702 SNATCHES - LARGE               Travis Brasell           



There was a young man from Liberia,                         
Who was groping a wench from Nigeria.                       
He said, "Say, my pet,                                      
Your panties are wet."                                      
"Sorry sir, that's my interior."                            
                                                            
61703 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L1291



The guru's supposed sagacious                               
Prouncement that ladies bodacious                           
With bosoms like barges,                                    
Have cunts awful large is                                   
Suspiciously speciously spacious.                           
                                                            
61704 SNATCHES - LARGE               Peter Wilkins            



There was a young girl from Hong Kong,                      
Who said, "You are utterly wrong,                           
To say my vagina,                                           
Is the largest in China,                                    
Just because of your mean little dong."                     
                                                            
61705 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L0049



But Peter's pretentious denouncement                        
Of previous prepostrous pronouncement,                      
Disregards information                                      
That after gestation,                                       
Both stretch, and lack something in bouncement.             
                                                            
61706 SNATCHES - LARGE               John Miller              



I once dated a sexy Mongolian,                              
Who would fuck for a single simoleon.                       
But years of abuse                                          
Made her pussy quite loose,                                 
With a texture like kitchen linoleum.                       
                                                            
61707 SNATCHES - LARGE               Hugh Clary               



My pet Marylou's big pudendum                               
Is quite a handful, and then some.                          
I'm told there are sweeter,                                 
Much smaller and neater;                                    
If you've got any pictures, please send them!               
                                                            
61708 SNATCHES - LARGE                                        



She came as a maiden from Spitz,                            
But was fucked half the night by Big Fritz.                 
Her cunt, chaste and tight,                                 
Nowadays is a sight:                                        
It's so stretched that a marrowbone fits.                   
                                                            
61709 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   G1611



A golfer named Sandy MacFarr,                               
Went to bed with a Hollywood star.                          
When he first saw her gash he                               
Cried, "Quick, get mah mashie!                              
I think I can make it in par."                              
                                                            
61710 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L1472



A strapping young lass called Mathilda                      
Enjoyed her last job as a builder;                          
Her cunt was so wide,                                       
She mixed concrete inside --                                
It filled and it thrilled and fulfilled her.                
                                                            
61711 SNATCHES - LARGE               Peter Wilkins            



Mathilda, quite often, is struck                            
With awe at the run of her luck;                            
Quips she: "When I'm randy,                                 
And concrete ain't handy,                                   
Along comes a Peterbilt truck!"                             
                                                            
61712 SNATCHES - LARGE                                        



There was a young lady named Dowd,                          
Whom a young fellow groped in the crowd.                    
But the thing that most vexed her,                          
Was that when he stood next to her,                         
He said, "Your cunts large", right out loud.                
                                                            
61713 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L1158



I tell you I've seen nothing finer                          
Than my helmeted one-eyed love miner.                       
I have plenty, I figger;                                    
You don't need nothing bigger;                              
What you need is a bit less vaginer.                        
                                                            
61714 SNATCHES - LARGE                                        



A photographer know as McAmmeter                            
Had a dick with a ten inch diameter.                        
"I only shoot girls                                         
With diamonds and pearls                                    
Who have such a very wide aperture."                        
                                                            
61715 SNATCHES - LARGE               Friar                    



There was a sweet girl named Dolores,                       
Who had a nine-inch clitoris.                               
She embarrassed the boys                                    
By besting their toys,                                      
And at night it glowed like phosPHORous.                    
                                                            
61716 SNATCHES - LARGE               Bob Moers                



The lady said she was annoyed                               
And avoided advances by Boyd.                               
When he promised her payment,                               
She discarded her raiment,                                  
But Boyd was annoyed by the void.                           
                                                            
61717 SNATCHES - LARGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0385



Said artillery Captain MacMeech                             
As he fondled a girl on the beach,                          
"From the size of her bore,                                 
She's a fifteen inch whore;                                 
I will slip a big shell in the breech."                     
                                                            
61718 SNATCHES - LARGE               Albin Chaplin            



An overripe lady namaed Manon                               
Said, "Anyone casually plan on                              
To look hard at me                                          
Will smirk and say, 'She                                    
Was shot in the cunt with a cannon'!"                       
                                                            
61719 SNATCHES - LARGE               Grand Prix Lim  739      



There was a young bride of Antigua,                         
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"             
Said she "I am not!                                         
I've a sweet little twat,                                   
And a very nice, neat little figua!"                        
(Published 1880)                                            
61720 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L0127



Oh Lord, what I'd give for a lunge                          
At sweet Lucy's cavernous grunge.                           
But rumors abound                                           
What's under her mound                                      
Has been soaking up men like a sponge.                      
                                                            
61721 SNATCHES - LARGE               Cubmeister               



A lady with features cherubic,                              
As famed for her area pubic.                                
When they asked her its size,                               
She replied in surprise,                                    
"Are you speaking of square feet or cubic?"                 
                                                            
61722 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L0140



Said an old sausage stuffer, Miss Toni,                     
While stuffing the prick of a pony,                         
"When young and much leaner,                                
I could stuff a small wiener,                               
But now I can stuff a baloney."                             
                                                            
61723 SNATCHES - LARGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-1181



The very best pussy is sloppy,                              
With loose lips stretched wide until floppy;                
I hate to be blunt,                                         
But a tight, perky cunt,                                    
Ain't built right to park my jalopy.                        
                                                            
61724 SNATCHES - LARGE               Travis Brasell           



There once was a writer named Mark,                         
Who encountered a cunt in the dark.                         
He said, "Now, by thunder,                                  
It's a natural wonder--                                     
I declare this a National Park!"                            
                                                            
61725 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L1634



The crotch of a girl named Hilaria                          
Was largest in all of Bavaria.                              
Said old Baron von Bliss,                                   
"Der dimension, vat iss?"                                   
"Do you want," she said, "volume or area?"                  
                                                            
61726 SNATCHES - LARGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-0472



Have you heard about Molly O'Day,                           
Who always had time (so they say).                          
She opened her crotch,                                      
And pulled out a watch,                                     
Which usually made the boys gay.                            
                                                            
61727 SNATCHES - LARGE                                   L1502



There once was a villain named Seagress,                    
Who tried changing his luck with a negress.                 
But her cunt was as loose                                   
As the balls on a moose,                                    
So he ended up in her rear egress.                          
                                                            
61728 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                           G1041



There is an old hooker named Hoyt                           
Whose twat is the size of a quoit,                          
But hell, I don't knock it                                  
When fixing to sock it;                                     
It helps 'cause my aim's maladroit.                         
                                                            
61729 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Armand E Singer       642



There's a charming young lady named Brooley,                
Who's often been screwed by yours truly.                    
But now, it's appalllin',                                   
My balls always fall in!                                    
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.                         
                                                            
61730 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                           L0004



A round-heeled young farm girl named Trumper                
Was buxom -- few rivals were plumper.                       
Her vast vulva walls                                        
Could engulf both the balls                                 
And the pricks of the hicks who dared hump her.             
                                                            
61731 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Armand E Singer       235



That woman is truly predacious,                             
With an appetite simply hellacious...                       
She's had so many men                                       
And again and again,                                        
That her pussy's grown mighty capacious.                    
                                                            
61732 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       OgniGioia                



A loose-fitting whore of Dundee                             
Had tits that hung down to her knee.                        
They were tied in a knot                                    
And stuffed into her twat --                                
Now she gives a tight fuck but can't pee.                   
                                                            
61733 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin   3024-1497



There was a coal miner named Fritz                          
Who dated young girls with big slits.                       
From the largest of these,                                  
Chose his wife, if you please,                              
For he felt right at home in the pits.                      
                                                            
61734 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin            



She played on the horn that was French.                     
She's sure an experienced wench.                            
She plays every night,                                      
But she's none too tight.                                   
In her snatch, a fist you can clench.                       
                                                            
61735 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Tom Myers                



When your body is wracked with a spasm,                     
Having finally reach your orgasm,                           
The size of your twat                                       
Doesn't shrink a whole lot.                                 
I'm still dangling down in a chasm.                         
                                                            
61736 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A daughter of joy from Khartoum                             
Had a vagina noted for room.                                
Enormously clitoris'd,                                      
Her cunny would fit a wrist,                                
Pushed all the way up to her womb.                          
                                                            
61737 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                           G0375



That Mary McNair, what a pair!                              
And that lacy pink silk underwear!                          
But when they were off,                                     
And I'm ready to boff,                                      
I found a four-lane thoroughfare!                           
                                                            
61738 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Tutta Gioa               



The snatch of a girl of South Bend                          
Was deep and appeared without end.                          
She could not get her fill                                  
Till a plumber named Bill                                   
Plumbed her depths with the help of his friend.             
                                                            
61739 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0760



A chippy who worked in Black Bluff,                         
Has a pussy as large as a muff.                             
It had room for both hands                                  
And some intimate glands,                                   
And was soft as a little duck's fluff.                      
(That could oil it in case it got rough.)                   
61740 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                           L0131



I once dated a Poet named Gwyn                              
Who committed a cardinal sin.                               
When I thought she would drool                              
At the size of my tool,                                     
She just asked, with a yawn, "...Is it in?"                 
                                                            
61741 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       John Miller 0095         



So here's to the ladies of Wight,                           
Who drink ale and cider all night.                          
And then corkheads all,  (Wightans are good swimmers)       
Will give them a ball.                                      
Let's pray that their pussies stay tight.                   
                                                            
61742 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Tiddy Ogg                



My pussy's been out on a binge;                             
Came home smelling strongly of minge.                       
I warned her before                                         
I'd show her the door,                                      
But that she had screwed off the hinge.                     
                                                            
61743 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       SFA                      



Said the tailor, while fitting Miss Schwartz,               
Whose cunt was as big as two quarts,                        
"I can give you a fit."                                     
So she answered, "No shit --                                
Let me see what you have in your shorts."                   
                                                            
61744 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0605



The teacher said, "Johnny, be good!"                        
Said Johnny, "I would if I could,                           
But the size of your hole                                   
Makes my weenie seem droll,                                 
And it won't stay in place like it should."                 
                                                            
61745 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                                



No need for inserting your stud-pole;                       
It won't touch the sides of that crud bowl.                 
Her twats so distended                                      
That when she's up-ended,                                   
It looks like a rut in a mud-hole.                          
                                                            
61746 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                                



My lover, while mounting me, slipped,                       
And then that mean Peter, he quipped:                       
"It's all your own fault!                                   
That roomy old vault!                                       
What I'd give for a pussy that gripped!                     
                                                            
61747 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       OgniGioia                



A Portuguese plumber was plumbin'                           
His girlfriend's cunt with a thumb in,                      
Along with his pecker.                                      
No, that didn't wreck her.                                  
With no thumb? Too loose -- there's no comin'!              
                                                            
61748 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                                



She used bleach on her cunt-hair to lighten it,             
And the cute see-through blouse served to heighten it.      
But age took its toll                                       
On that high-traffic hole,                                  
And it's sad she had no way to tighten it.                  
                                                            
61749 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Al Willis                



There once was a chick from Nantucket,                      
Whose twat opened wide like a bucket.                       
She said with chagrin,                                      
As her man put it in,                                       
"Since you can't touch the sides, I'll just suck it!"       
                                                            
61750 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Jim Weaver Collection    



When Armstrong went out with Miss Grace,                    
His rocket he slipped into place.                           
When she said to him, "Neil,                                
Tell me -- how do you feel?"                                
He replied he felt far out in space.                        
                                                            
61751 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0181



There was an old whore of Dundee                            
Who took two at one time for the fee.                       
In due time she was worn                                    
But her fate did not mourn,                                 
There was room in her cunt now for three.                   
                                                            
61752 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0688



Her pussy was titantic in size,                             
Tucked snugly well up twixt her thighs.                     
She could service a gnu,                                    
Two apes and a shrew,                                       
With room for at least seven guys.                          
                                                            
61753 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                                



Wonder why I no longer goose?                               
Why I no longer rut like a moose?                           
I hate to be cold,                                          
But when you've grown old,                                  
You've gotten so damn fucking loose!                        
                                                            
61754 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Jim Weaver Collection    



Before Clarence could date with Miss Barents,               
He requested consent from her parents.                      
So the clearence he got                                     
And he got in her slot,                                     
But the clearence was too much for Clarence.                
                                                            
61755 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0390



There was a young lady named Puckett,                       
Had a twitchet as big as a bucket.                          
An elephant's nose,                                         
Or a stiffened firehose                                     
Were the only things able to fuck it.                       
                                                            
61756 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                           G0425



There once was a girl from Decatur,                         
Whose snatch was stretched like a crater.                   
Hard pricks felt so loose,                                  
She became a recluse,                                       
And switched to a G.E. Vibrator!                            
                                                            
61757 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Laurence Craft           



When I finally spread all the hair,                         
And poke my pecker in there,                                
Ain't much of a ride                                        
When I can't feel the side.                                 
Might as well be fucking air.                               
                                                            
61758 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Jim Weaver Collection    



An expert well-digger named Pflugge                         
Wed a girl with a cunt like a jug.                          
He noted the size                                           
Of the hole in her thighs,                                  
Was the same as the last well he dug.                       
                                                            
61759 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0578



There was a young maid of Costanza,                         
And her box was as big as Bonanza.                          
It was nine inches deep                                     
And the sides were quite steep.                             
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.                    
                                                            
61760 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                           L0178



There's Olga Bicardi who prides                             
Herself that no man's touched the sides,                    
So me and my horse                                          
Grabbed her in the gorse;                                   
Now she don't have legs, she has wides!                     
                                                            
61761 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE                                



There was a young lady named Liston,                        
Whose cunt was as big as a piston.                          
But an able mechanic,                                       
Who was not one to panic,                                   
Fucked her twice with his foot and his fist in.             
                                                            
61762 SNATCHES - LARGE - LOOSE       Albin Chaplin 3024  G0645



A frustrated lover named Snyder                             
Would grouse to his girl as he'd ride her,                  
"Whenever we sin                                            
I can't keep it in;                                         
I wish you were deeper, not wider."                         
                                                            
61763 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Armand E Singer       451



Said a man to a girl in Orillia,                            
"I am sure my big dong will not kill ya'.                   
But she showed him her size                                 
And he cried in surprise.                                   
"I'm afraid my poor dong will not fill ya'."                
                                                            
61764 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Albin Chaplin   3024-0568



Abreast of the times, our Miss Twitter,                     
Has a torrid career as a titter.                            
Her magnificent dugs                                        
Lure to bed endless lugs,                                   
To a twathole so vast, few can fit her.                     
                                                            
61765 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Witt                           
Whose cunt was a fifteen-inch slit.                         
It seemed like a sin,                                       
When you laid your jock in,                                 
That the hole should reach up to her tit.                   
                                                            
61766 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                          G0493



It's true, dear old dad did like sister;                    
She can suck off your cock till you blister.                
She learned how to swallow,                                 
'Cause her pussys a wallow,                                 
Ever since she let George Forman fist her.                  
                                                            
61767 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                               



At the brothel, explorer McBride                            
Selected a girl almond-eyed.                                
When he lifted her dress                                    
He exclaimed, "What a mess!                                 
I have just seen the Greater Divide!"                       
                                                            
61768 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Albin Chaplin            



Though she hadn't the tenth of a dollar,                    
An old harlot for taxis did holler.                         
She tried raising her skirt,                                
And a cab did alert,                                        
But he asked if she had something smaller.                  
                                                            
61769 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Albin Chaplin   3024-0436



There was a young lady named Kitchener,                     
Who had a most terrible itch in her.                        
A lad offered relief,                                       
But he ran like a thief                                     
When he saw the great size of the ditch in her.             
                                                            
61770 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Albin Chaplin 3024  G1570



Three fingers and thumb, what a shame!                      
Only your wife is to blame!                                 
Plastic bottles are better,                                 
But get slippery when wetter,                               
And will get lost, never seen again!                        
                                                            
61771 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                               



"My god you're so slack and so loose!                       
I've seen tighter vaginas on moose."                        
"It began", said poor Dot all                               
Ashamed, "With a bottle;                                    
Got hooked; now it's magnum abuse."                         
                                                            
61772 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                               



A young lass offered ass to MacNeal                         
And her panties she dropped for a feel.                     
When he saw the great wound,                                
He exclaimed as he swooned,                                 
"My God! Do you think it will heal?"                        
                                                            
61773 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Albin Chaplin   3024-0527



There once was a coed from State                            
Who had the desire to mate.                                 
When her skirt would flutter,                               
The boys they would shudder;                                
She had, not a box, but a crate.                            
                                                            
61774 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                          G0458



There was a young maiden from Osset,                        
Whose quim was nine inches across it.                       
Said a young man named Tong,                                
With tool nine inches long,                                 
"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."                          
                                                            
61775 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                          L0209



"I'm more than the average size,"                           
Said Jim as he opened her thighs,                           
"But Jesus! you're wide;                                    
Like a cavern inside.                                       
You stuff bottles up there, I surmise."                     
                                                            
61776 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Peter Wilkins            



"Why sure, I stuff bottles up there.                        
And baseball bats too, I declare.                           
And barbecue sauce,                                         
Covered marrows, of course,                                 
Which I force up my sweet derriere."                        
                                                            
61777 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Peter Wilkins            



Madge had a vadge all a-gape,                               
Inchoate, amorphous, no shape.                              
She did what she could                                      
Using shims of teak-wood,                                   
Which she bunged home and bound with duct tape.             
                                                            
61778 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                               



If double D is the size of your mound,                      
Even Paul Bunyan won't pound.                               
I'm sure it would echo                                      
Could be used as "Art Deco"                                 
But not used for fooling around.                            
                                                            
61779 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Rodney Williams          



Asked a man of a girl named Elaine:                         
"With how many men have you lain?                           
I have slipped into bores                                   
Of some hundreds, but yours --                              
Looks like armies have used it to train."                   
                                                            
61780 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Albin Chaplin   3024-0439



Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel                          
Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.                      
But her genital area                                        
Is so vast it'll scare ya,                                  
And you venture inside at your peril.                       
                                                            
61781 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Grand Prix Lim  116 G0238



Enormous great flaps had our Dot;                           
Every minute or so she would squat;                         
For she needed the rest                                     
From the weight she possessed                               
Hanging down to her knees from her twat.                    
                                                            
61782 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED                               



"With my bride, I'm fed up", said old Snyder.               
"As a bride, she was fun when astride her.                  
At first, I'll admit                                        
There was a very small slit,                                
But at present, the split is much wider."                   
                                                            
61783 SNATCHES - LARGE - SHAMED      Albin Chaplin   3024-0337



The ship had tied up at the docks,                          
And the seamen all polished their cocks.                    
They scrambled ashore                                       
In search of a whore,                                       
Who would readily open her box.                             
                                                            
61784 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



But one lad on the deck still did sit.                      
Said the Captain: "You don't want a bit?"                   
"It's the size of my dick;                                  
It's so bloody thick,                                       
That I can't find a girl it will fit."                      
                                                            
61785 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



"Look lad," said the skipper, "on top                       
Of that bollard is sitting a pop-                           
Sy. Hey Lucy dear,                                          
I've a customer here."                                      
She got up with an audible pop!                             
                                                            
61786 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



You know not the word "bollards", Hugh?                     
An erudite man such as you?                                 
'Tis a boat hitching post,                                  
Two foot wide, or almost,                                   
On which my friend Lucy would screw.                        
                                                            
61787 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



I re-read 'bout Lucy last night;                            
My God, she has given a fright                              
To all the old salts,                                       
For one of her faults                                       
Relates to the fact, she's not tight!                       
                                                            
61788 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



Oh bollard! is that what he hollered?                       
I'm clearly dyslecix. It's follered,                        
That with Lucy so large,                                    
She won't mind if you barge                                 
Right ahead and suggest it be swallered.                    
                                                            
61789 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



There once was a lady from Ryde                             
Whose cunt was so shallow and wide,                         
Her kitty named Chaucer,                                    
Drank milk from a saucer,                                   
With morsels of cheese on the side.                         
                                                            
61790 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES     H Whelchel               



This capacious young lady from Ryde                         
At last was to be someone's bride...                        
But woe to the groom                                        
When she said she had room                                  
To handle ten cocks with great pride.                       
                                                            
61791 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES     TuttaGioia               



A few months ago I admit                                    
That I couldn't get enough of Kate's slit.                  
I would hump every night                                    
In ecstatic delight,                                        
At her firmness and tightness of fit.                       
                                                            
61792 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



But now it's like screwing a moose;                         
There's no friction at all; it's so loose.                  
Though still horny and ravenous;                            
Shit! Is she cavernous?                                     
Time to move on and vamoose.                                
                                                            
61793 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



Come on now guy, no need to take flight;                    
Two woodworking tips, try them tonight.                     
A word of caution friend,                                   
My tools, I never lend.                                     
If these don't do it, beat feet in fright                   
                                                            
61794 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



This is how you make a loose screw tight;                   
Give it a try; Then it will fit right.                      
To shrink a big cranny,                                     
Alum; by the fanny.                                         
Just like new. Your screwing will take might.               
                                                            
61795 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



Perhaps the wrong hole you counter sunk.                    
Or was the wood too hard? Yeah right. Bunk!                 
You may need something slick;                               
KY does the trick.                                          
Just be careful for counter boar funk.                      
                                                            
61796 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



A lecherous midget named Tim                                
Liked to sneak up and lick him some quim.                   
'Til he went after Dot                                      
Who decided to squat,                                       
And her cavernous quim swallowed him!                       
                                                            
61797 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



Now Tim was lost in her snatch;                             
It was dark so he reached for a match.                      
And when it was lit                                         
He yelled "Holy shit",                                      
For he saw all that Dot's twat could catch.                 
                                                            
61798 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



There were tubular veggies galore,                          
Enough to open a store;                                     
Plus bottles of beer                                        
And sausages here,                                          
And in back, Tim saw a door.                                
                                                            
61799 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



Now Tim's match went out long before                        
He opened and entered the door;                             
So Tim couldn't see                                         
All the shit literally,                                     
Covering the walls and the floor.                           
                                                            
61800 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



Now I shall pick up the pace;                               
Tim lit one more match in this place,                       
Which ignited the gas                                       
That Dot had not passed,                                    
Launching lecherous Tim into space.                         
                                                            
61801 SNATCHES - LARGE - ZSERIES                              



A student by the name of Steen,                             
Had the biggest snatch I've ever seen;                      
Fucking two dozen Danes,                                    
The occasional plane,                                       
And even a big submarine.                                   
                                                            
61802 SNATCHES - LARGER              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from L.A.                              
Who banged his girl every day.                              
His dick lost its charm,                                    
So he stuck in his arm,                                     
And crammed it in all the way.                              
                                                            
61803 SNATCHES - LARGER              Umpty Scratch      TP9804



The cunt of girl named McLouth                              
Stretched right from her ass to her mouth.                  
Her boyfriend, impressed,                                   
Spread her arms East and West,                              
And fucked from the North to the South.                     
                                                            
61804 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0539



This girls snatch was so large,                             
It had room for ten men and a barge!                        
She could do all the men,                                   
Then come back again                                        
And give them all head with no charge!                      
                                                            
61805 SNATCHES - LARGER              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Whose wife had a cunt like a bucket.                        
So given the size                                           
Of her womanly prize,                                       
There wasn't much use to fuck it.                           
                                                            
61806 SNATCHES - LARGER              Glenn Peterson           



In the cunt of a girl named Cahalan,                        
You could insert a broom and a pail in.                     
Said her husband, "We're through.                           
And he married anew,                                        
To a girl with a space for a whale in.                      
                                                            
61807 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0412



A roomy old lady named Fanchion                             
Was fucked by a man in her mansion.                         
He said, "You've a womb                                     
Which is big as Grant's Tomb,                               
And there seems to be room for expansion."                  
                                                            
61808 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0440



"What a hole!  What a hole!" said the gyno, Hung Lo.        
"Well you don't have to say it all twice, don't you know!"  
"Woman, you've gotten fatter,                               
But the fact of the matter,                                 
I didn't, the second time was an echo."                     
                                                            
61809 SNATCHES - LARGER              Frosty                   



From hearing the boasts that they utter,                    
The state of their mate's hairy gutter,                     
Has been stretched so wide                                  
That they echo inside,                                      
And they're like the black hole of Calcutta.                
                                                            
61810 SNATCHES - LARGER              Tiddy Ogg                



In the cunt of old baroness Kropp,                          
There was space for a broom and a mop.                      
A butcher named Tucker                                      
Attempted to fuck her,                                      
But he needed a ham for a prop.                             
                                                            
61811 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0510



There was a young girl of Pawtucket,                        
Whose cunt was as big as a bucket.                          
Her boyfriend said, "Toots,                                 
I'll have to wear boots,                                    
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."                     
                                                            
61812 SNATCHES - LARGER                                  L0212



There was an old person of Gretna,                          
Who rushed down the crater of Etna.                         
He said, "It's uncanny!                                     
It's just like my wife's cranny,                            
An image that's burned in my retina."                       
                                                            
61813 SNATCHES - LARGER              Edwardian Leer 054  P9306



Though Pearl's now exhausted and worn,                      
And her cunt is all tattered and torn,                      
She still yearns for the throb                              
Of a masculine knob;                                        
Or more likely a stallion's horn.                           
                                                            
61814 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



A notice she's pinned on the fence                          
'Round her garden, is offering gents                        
Near unlimited sex...                                       
In return she expects                                       
That their dongs will be fucking immense.                   
                                                            
61815 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



A few lonely guys have applied                              
And she's gratefully let them inside;                       
But the one with the dong                                   
Twice as 'round as was long,                                
Was the only one near enough wide.                          
                                                            
61816 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



'Twas ten inches long and she found                         
It 20 pi inches all 'round.                                 
(An intelligent girl                                        
Is insatiable Pearl,                                        
And she's kept all her faculties sound.)                    
                                                            
61817 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



For certain, young Pearl is no fool                         
When assessing the size of a tool;                          
She acquired all her knowledge                              
At Cheltenham College;                                      
A sort of St. Trinian's school.                             
                                                            
61818 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



"For upper-class ladies, well bred,"                        
Said Miss Spottiswoode-Fritton, the head,                   
When the cops interviewed                                   
Her last week in the nude,                                  
While cavorting around on her bed.                          
                                                            
61819 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



Good heavens! I have to confess                             
I remember my utter distress                                
When I kissed my first shady                                
Young Cheltenham Lady                                       
And near caused a mess on her dress.                        
                                                            
61820 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



For truth is, I once knew a girl                            
From that Cheltenham College, a pearl                       
Who was gorgeously cuddly                                   
And made me feel studly --                                  
The daughter, I think, of an earl.                          
                                                            
61821 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



But back to the matter at hand --                           
What of Pearl and that gentleman's gland?                   
Well, they took up position                                 
And started coition                                         
As soon as he came to a stand.                              
                                                            
61822 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



Alas, she felt nothing inside,                              
(Nor did he) although both of them tried                    
From the back and the front,                                
For her cavernous cunt                                      
Was so fucking enormously wide.                             
                                                            
61823 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



Poor Pearl, now in utter despair,                           
Phoned her doctor for help, I declare.                      
You may ask how I know,                                     
I'm her doctor and so                                       
I'll examine her privately there.                           
                                                            
61824 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



The patients who come to Doc Pete,                          
Do so knowing I'm always discreet.                          
Now Pearl let me look                                       
Up her pussy...by fook                                      
You could harbor up there a whole fleet.                    
                                                            
61825 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



Your pussy by fook...a whole fleet...                       
Up there a whole...far from petite.                         
Up here...let me look                                       
A whole fare from...by fook                                 
But that echo...that echo...is neat.                        
                                                            
61826 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



A novice young fellow named Jack                            
The knowledge of fucking did lack.                          
An old maid tried to teach him                              
But she never could reach him,                              
For it seems that he fell through the crack.                
                                                            
61827 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2129



When the captain went out with Miss Toal,                   
He fell to his knees in her hole;                           
And he struggled in vain                                    
On the tricky terrain.                                      
"I have foundered," he said, "on a shoal!"                  
                                                            
61828 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0630



Heather, that nasty young troll                             
Owned an abnormally large hole.                             
Her twat was so wide,                                       
Into it I could slide                                       
Four fingers and a telphone pole.                           
                                                            
61829 SNATCHES - LARGER                                       



It isn't worth gettin the hots                              
For girls in Nottingham, Notts,                             
Unless you've a dong                                        
Twice as wide as its long;                                  
For they've slacker than average twats.                     
                                                            
61830 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



I thought, Pete, that was a foul slur,                      
On Nottingham girls, you low cur.                           
I figured I'd test                                          
This out, with the best --                                  
Young Marge -- now my head's stuck in her.                  
                                                            
61831 SNATCHES - LARGER              Tiddy Ogg                



Me Grandmother knows about Marge                            
And how she's exceedingly large;                            
She asks if you'd mind                                      
Looking 'round till you find                                
Me old grandfather's sea-going barge.                       
                                                            
61832 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



Since you are in up to your neck,                           
In Marge's big pussy, please check                          
To see if I should                                          
Replace all the wood                                        
I use when I built that damn deck.                          
                                                            
61833 SNATCHES - LARGER              Travis                   



There was a young damsel named Baker,                       
Who was poked in a pew by a quaker.                         
He yelled, "My God, What                                    
Do you call this, a twat?                                   
Why the entrance is more than an acre!"                     
                                                            
61834 SNATCHES - LARGER                                  L0128



There once was a woman named Shannon                        
Whose cunt was a big as a cannon.                           
I heard a great slurp                                       
And a massive burp,                                         
As she sat on a cup full of Dannon.                         
(Dannon - brand of yogurt)                                  
61835 SNATCHES - LARGER              Mad Mike                 



So big was the cunt of Miss Sears,                          
That it thrilled a young man, it appears.                   
In amazement he said,                                       
"May I stick in the head?"                                  
She said, "Yes sir, but just to the ears."                  
                                                            
61836 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0613



The whores of Lahore are a bore;                            
So many have been there before.                             
They're now unappealing;                                    
A man gets more feeling,                                    
By fucking an open barn door.                               
                                                            
61837 SNATCHES - LARGER                                       



An old hooker from downtown Port Said,                      
Had a twat incredibly wide.                                 
You may think it banal.                                     
But the Suez Canal                                          
Was realy quite tiny beside.                                
                                                            
61838 SNATCHES - LARGER              Anon                     



There was a young lady named Hooten,                        
Whose cunt you could put your whole foot in.                
So her husband divorced her,                                
And married a worst her,                                    
With a cunt that an oak-tree could root in.                 
                                                            
61839 SNATCHES - LARGER                                       



An intrepid explorer named Prater                           
Tried screwing a girl from Decatur.                         
He was worldly and wise                                     
But exclaimed in surprise,                                  
"I believe I am lost in this crater."                       
                                                            
61840 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0585



There's a very old flutist from Butte                       
With a snatch that's in no way minute.                      
There's room for her lover's                                
Balls, prick, the bed covers,                               
Plus some leftover space for her flute.                     
                                                            
61841 SNATCHES - LARGER              Armand E Singer       292



There was a young girl named Llewellyn,                     
Whose teats were as big as a melon.                         
Her teats were large, true,                                 
Her cunt was large, too,                                    
Like a hand-painted oil, colored, aerial view of            
Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.                      
61842 SNATCHES - LARGER                                  L0188



To bed went a baker of Crete                                
With a girl that he found in the street.                    
"My God!" said the Baker,                                   
"It's more than an acre!"                                   
So she offered her asshole petite.                          
                                                            
61843 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin            



A girl known as Deborah Scott                               
Likes genitals rigid and hot.                               
Her cunt is so large,                                       
It would take a whole barge                                 
Full of peckers to fill up her twat.                        
                                                            
61844 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



I recall a young lady of Laramie                            
Who insisted she wanted to marry me,                        
But I fled in disgrace,                                     
For her vaginal space                                       
Would have needed some two or three pair of me.             
                                                            
61845 SNATCHES - LARGER              Keith MacMillan     A127A



Denying she's ever been kissed                              
Does make a Gal hard to resist.                             
But when the guy rides                                      
And can't touch the sides,                                  
You take it from me, he'll be pissed!                       
                                                            
61846 SNATCHES - LARGER              SFA                      



Although John many wild seeds had sown,                     
He was shocked when he tried fucking Joan.                  
There was room in her slue                                  
For a truck to drive through.                               
He went off -- but felt strangely alone.                    
                                                            
61847 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0343



There once was a whore from Regina,                         
Who had a stupendous vagina.                                
To save a long line,                                        
She had six at a time,                                      
And another one working behind her.                         
                                                            
61848 SNATCHES - LARGER                                       



A lady from far Chillinggollar                              
Had a twat like an out-sized horse-collar.                  
She charged folks a cent                                    
For a view of the vent,                                     
But everything else cost a dollar.                          
                                                            
61849 SNATCHES - LARGER              Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



An old Pole rode his cart through the woods                 
And encountered some thieving young hoods.                  
Said the Pole, "Let us be                                   
For my daughter and me                                      
Are poor and we carry no goods."                            
                                                            
61850 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0643



The thieves searched the cart and were vexed.               
They found nothing, and stood there perplexed.              
Since no booty was there                                    
In utter despair,                                           
The horse and the cart they annexed.                        
                                                            
61851 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0644



"Alas," said the Pole in dismay.                            
"My fortune was hid there away                              
In the cart 'neath the seat                                 
In a hiding place neat.                                     
Now my fortune is lost -- let us pray."                     
                                                            
61852 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0645



The daughter said, "Father, so what.                        
The robbers are gone, but with naught.                      
You do not have to chafe                                    
For your fortune is safe --                                 
I have hidden it all in my twat."                           
                                                            
61853 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0646



Though left with a worthwhile resource,                     
Yet the anguished Pole said in remorse,                     
"If your mother were here                                   
We'd have nothing to fear.                                  
We'd have saved both the cart and the horse."               
                                                            
61854 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0647



And then there's Miss Muriel Farrow,                        
Who pleasured herself with a marrow.                        
But soon she grew slack                                     
And now in she'll pack,                                     
A full sized, full laden wheel-barrow.                      
                                                            
61855 SNATCHES - LARGER              Tiddy Ogg                



"Good Lord," said the doc to Miss Faulk,                    
"No wonder, m'dear, you can't walk;                         
You've stuffed your hot twat                                
With bitter shallot,                                        
And left hanging out the whole stalk!"                      
                                                            
61856 SNATCHES - LARGER              Travis Brasell           



"No wonder you cannot sit down,                             
For stuffed up your pink and your brown,                    
Are pineapples vast!"                                       
Said the doctor, aghast,                                    
As he tugged them both out with a frown.                    
                                                            
61857 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



These ladies all pale before Helen                          
Who took a large watermelon,                                
Which fell out, by Gosh,                                    
Till she used crook-necked squash                           
As wedges to keep it in-dwellin'.                           
                                                            
61858 SNATCHES - LARGER              John Miller              



She had a commodious cunt,                                  
Stretching yards from her rear to her front.                
With her pussy lips parted,                                 
'Twas hard to get started,                                  
Or finish at all, to be blunt.                              
                                                            
61859 SNATCHES - LARGER              Peter Wilkins            



She wandered around plenty long,                            
In search of a suitable prong.                              
In New York she tried,                                      
A building to ride,                                         
And totally engulfed old King Kong.                         
                                                            
61860 SNATCHES - LARGER                                       



There was an old coal miner Hamp                            
Who picked up a worn out old tramp.                         
He examined her tunnel                                      
Through an oversize funnel,                                 
And he charted the depths with his lamp.                    
                                                            
61861 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0470



There was a young barmaid named Gwen                        
With a cunt like the canyon called "Glen."                  
She was fucked on a date                                    
And the man blew at eight,                                  
And the echo was heard around ten.                          
                                                            
61862 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0468



A mathematician named Shaw                                  
Examined the twat of a squaw.                               
He summed the perimeter                                     
Plus the depth by altimeter,                                
And he stared at the figures with awe.                      
                                                            
61863 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0614



So big was the cunt of Miss Shutes                          
That she never was thrilled by men's roots.                 
But an angler named Bill                                    
Gave her more than her fill,                                
When he tromped in her cunt with hip boots.                 
                                                            
61864 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0617



The cunt of a harlot named Shutes                           
Was enlarged by some oversize roots.                        
The last one that fucked her                                
Was a railroad conductor,                                   
Who waltzed through her cunt with hip boots.                
                                                            
61865 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0616



I do wish you'd listen, my dear;                            
We've medical problems, I fear.                             
"Sex by your own hand'll                                    
Be fine -- Use a candle,"                                   
I said, "not the whole chandelier!"                         
                                                            
61866 SNATCHES - LARGER              Tiddy Ogg                



With a telephone pole, Mr. Bream                            
Rammed the cunt of a girl of broad beam.                    
Fourteen hours of bliss                                     
And she said, "'Nough of this,                              
If you touch me once more, I shall scream."                 
                                                            
61867 SNATCHES - LARGER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2944



In Atlantis, new video depravity,                           
The whore bared her genital cavity.                         
Some claim that its girth                                   
Has wobbled the Earth,                                      
Due to its huge mass and gravity.                           
                                                            
61868 SNATCHES - LARGER              John Chastaine           



A commodious maid from McBride                              
Had a cleft over half a foot wide.                          
If you fancied, 'tis said,                                  
You could shove in your head                                
And utter foul sayings inside.                              
                                                            
61869 SNATCHES - LARGER              Hugh Oliver          100d



My goodness! Your pussy is gorgeous!                        
And who knows where your husband George is!                 
But I'll pass up this sin                                   
'Cause I just might fall in                                 
And it's deep, I afraid, as a gorge is!                     
                                                            
61870 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Writerman                



There was a lean man with a beard,                          
Who had an experience weird.                                
In South Carolina,                                          
He fell in a vagina,                                        
Screamed, struggled, and then disappeared.                  
                                                            
61871 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                        G1989



"I wonder what happened to Ron?"                            
Thought Bertha while sat on the john.                       
"Down here," came a weak                                    
Indistinct sort of squeak,                                  
Which faded and soon it was gone.                           
                                                            
61872 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Peter Wilkins            



There once was a girl from Carolina,                        
Who posessed an enormous vagina.                            
Once while masturbating,                                    
Lost her ring, how frustrating,                             
Went to get it and now we can't find 'er.                   
                                                            
61873 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



"So large is your vagina," he exclaimed                     
"That I must confess, I'm ashamed.                          
When I finally scored,                                      
I grabbed on to a board,                                    
And while climbing out, I was maimed."                      
                                                            
61874 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



Said a man to a lady of sin,                                
As he peeked up her dress with a grin,                      
"I came out of a spot,                                      
Just like that, but Mein Gott!                              
With yours, I could crawl right back in!"                   
                                                            
61875 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



The fat woman's lover was strumming                         
Her mammoth interior plumbing                               
When he slipped and fell in                                 
All the way to his chin.                                    
She shouted, "Hang on, dear! I'm coming!"                   
                                                            
61876 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Lance Payne         P8402



I once screwed a whore with a twat                          
So loose, it could swallow a yacht;                         
I took up the slack                                         
And filled up her crack                                     
By tying my dick in a knot.                                 
                                                            
61877 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



There was this girl, Tina Modotto,                          
Who sold tickets to enter her grotto.                       
So large was that thing                                     
That echoes would ring,                                     
If you didn't speak 'voce sotto'.                           
                                                            
61878 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



You'd best get a strong rope, no doubt;                     
To the bedpost, tie it about --                             
Then twice 'round your waist,                               
So that, just in case                                       
You fall in, you can pull yourself out.                     
                                                            
61879 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Kaylin                   



A lady from lower New Hyde,                                 
Had a cunt so enormously wide,                              
Every fucking companion                                     
Who fell in that canyon,                                    
Was lost for a fortnight inside.                            
                                                            
61880 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                        G0414



In the case of a lady name Frost,                           
Whose cunt's a good two foot acrossed,                      
It's the best part of valor                                 
To bugger the gal, or                                       
You're apt to fall in and get lost.                         
                                                            
61881 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                        L0163



When dating a lady, young Jack                              
Observed that her cunt had some slack.                      
With his laces he thought                                   
He would tighten the twat,                                  
But he slipped and he fell through the crack.               
                                                            
61882 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Albin Chaplin   3024-0485



A wanton old tart of Peru                                   
Had drummed up her business anew.                           
Though she lowered her rates                                
To attract many dates,                                      
It turned out, her appointments fell through.               
                                                            
61883 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Albin Chaplin   3024-0576



At the whorehouse, Explorer MacFrost                        
Picked a harlot, the lowest in cost.                        
But the cunt of the Miss                                    
Was a dismal abyss,                                         
And he fell through the crack and got lost.                 
                                                            
61884 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Albin Chaplin   3024-1592



There was a young writer called Jim,                        
Who vanished while licking a quim;                          
The girl in the case                                        
Found scarcely a trace,                                     
Save faint finger marks on the rim.                         
                                                            
61885 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



There was an old whore from Arvider                         
Whose pelvis grew wider and wider.                          
On day, full of gin,                                        
Her old boyfriend fell in,                                  
And was drowned in the chasm inside her.                    
                                                            
61886 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Keith MacMillan       38b



We warned Herman about that big quim,                       
But he'd only wink at us, and grin.                         
It's hard to determine                                      
What happened to Herman,                                    
But we more or less think he fell in.                       
                                                            
61887 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Grand Prix Lim  416 G2046



There once was a liar from Dove,                            
Who said she was as tight as a glove;                       
But her boyfriend did pump                                  
And boy did he jump                                         
When he fell in her cavern of love!                         
                                                            
61888 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Jim Weaver Collection    



A cute lady-soldier named Kay,                              
Had a hole that was three foot each way.                    
During sex, Sergeant Quinn                                  
Accidently fell in,                                         
And has since been declared "M.I.A."                        
                                                            
61889 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Quilis                   



I fell into that twat, late last year,                      
When a friendly voice said, "Have no fear,                  
Help me search, if you please,                              
And when we find my keys,                                   
I can drive both of us out of here."                        
                                                            
61890 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Scott Cramer             



A voluptuous lady from Crete                                
Had a cunt that was wide as a street.                       
While fondling her crack,                                   
A fellow named Jack                                         
Fell in, to the soles of his feet!                          
                                                            
61891 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Wormdirt           TP9804



"Oh Jack," said the lady from Crete,                        
"You really should be more discreet.                        
It's too easy to spot                                       
That you're stuck in my twat."                              
As she said this, she pushed in his feet.                   
                                                            
61892 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Wormdirt           TP9804



In the cunt of the lady from Crete,                         
Jack had almost passed out from the heat.                   
"She won't hear if I shout,                                 
So I'll gnaw my way out."                                   
And so saying, he started to eat.                           
                                                            
61893 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Wormdirt           TP9804



From Jack's chewing, the lady from Crete                    
Had an orgasmic surge so complete,                          
Jack was carried outside                                    
On the spasming tide...                                     
A surfacing diver, replete.                                 
                                                            
61894 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Wormdirt           TP9804



"Hey Jack," asked the lady from Crete,                      
"While inside, did you happen to meet                       
A biker named Charley?                                      
He can't find his Harley,                                   
Which he parked in my cunt...What a treat!"                 
                                                            
61895 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Wormdirt           TP9804



Jack replied to the lady from Crete,                        
"I was too busy eating your meat,                           
To check out any guys;                                      
But your cunt has the size                                  
To contain a platoon or a fleet."                           
                                                            
61896 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Wormdirt           TP9804



While Jack spoke to the lady from Crete,                    
From her cunt came a thundering beat,                       
And the Harley zoomed out.                                  
She said, "I have no doubt;                                 
Just my monthly cycle complete."                            
                                                            
61897 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Wormdirt           TP9804



Now the lady from Crete and her Jack                        
And the cyclist, with Harley so black,                      
Were hitting the road,                                      
When she dropped a new load --                              
An equestrian, pony, and tack.                              
                                                            
61898 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    CB                 TP9804



Do you think she could put them all back,                   
If all four of them now hit the sack?                       
Maybe she could fit more                                    
(Like say Dave with his whore)                              
If she gave a good whack to the stack!                      
                                                            
61899 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    CB                 TP9804



Looking down, I muttered "Oh swell!"                        
'Cause her labia was pierced all to hell.                   
As her eyes started tearing,                                
"It's not just the earring,                                 
But the ear attached to it as well!"                        
                                                            
61900 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    John Chastaine           



The image is stuck in my mind;                              
I see him crawling 'round blind.                            
"Get me a lamp;                                             
It's dark and it's damp.                                    
Where's that rope! How will I find...find...find <echo>     
                                                            
61901 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Karen                    



Fred fucked the fat circus star.                            
She climaxed and sucked him in far.                         
While groping around                                        
He met the lead clown.                                      
"Don't worry. Just look for my car!"                        
                                                            
61902 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Kim Goldsworthy     P8407



A daring young midget named Shore,                          
Went to bed with a very large whore.                        
And, God rest his soul!                                     
He fell into the hole,                                      
Screamed twice, and was heard from no more.                 
                                                            
61903 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                        G2053



A cavernous lady was Gwen;                                  
Her cunt was so big, now and then                           
Her purse she would lose,                                   
And sometimes her shoes,                                    
And one time she lost her friend Ben.                       
                                                            
61904 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Albin Chaplin   3024-0467



Some women just don't rate,                                 
He observed after only one date.                            
Her snatch was so wide,                                     
He got lost inside --                                       
Now ain't that a horrible fate?                             
                                                            
61905 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Stan                     



Today I sat down in Nell's lap,                             
Between her huge legs was a gap,                            
Which then opened wide                                      
And I fell inside;                                          
I found my way out with a map!                              
                                                            
61906 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



An oversized wife had young Mort;                           
Her cunt was as big as a quart.                             
But he managed to fuck her                                  
With the help of a trucker,                                 
And a safety belt held for support.                         
                                                            
61907 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Albin Chaplin   3024-0546



There once was a blushing young bride,                      
Whose cunt was enormously wide.                             
To give her good head,                                      
The man that she wed                                        
Needs a lantern, two ropes, and a guide.                    
                                                            
61908 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Jean Chapeau        T9711



But my love was a poor little Kraut                         
Who fell in as we're thashing about!                        
And I know from the sound                                   
As he rattles around,                                       
That he still hasn't found his way out!"                    
                                                            
61909 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Vassar W. Smith     P9307



I doubt even Roger could fill                               
Miss Bertha and give her a thrill.                          
For most who have tried,                                    
Have gone missing inside,                                   
Where I fear they are languishing still.                    
                                                            
61910 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Anon                     



Oh Dammit, Oh dammit to Hell                                
I slipped into Bertha and fell.                             
As around me I peer,                                        
I see that I'm here                                         
With Tiddy and Peter and Nell.                              
                                                            
61911 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Anon                     



Poor things if you all lost your way                        
In Bertha, For sure it's okay                               
To grumble and grudge,                                      
But as far's I can judge,                                   
It's best you're enjoying your stay.                        
                                                            
61912 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Anon                     



I cannot imagine how Nell                                   
Fell into this singular Hell.                               
But maybe she followed                                      
Us in and got swallowed,                                    
And maybe, so too, did Michelle?                            
                                                            
61913 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Anon                     



There was a young maiden named Marge,                       
Who swam in the nude from a barge.                          
'Til a man in a punt                                        
Disappeared up her cunt,                                    
An organ admittedly large.                                  
                                                            
61914 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                        G0400



Twenty thousand leagues under the sea,                      
Seems pretty deep,if you ask me.                            
But my girlfriend's peeper                                  
Is 12 leagues deeper,                                       
And in it, you scuba for free!                              
                                                            
61915 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



There was a young lady of Thrace                            
Whose cunt was a cavernous place.                           
When she married young Phipps,                              
He stepped in to his hips,                                  
And she took up the slack with a lace.                      
                                                            
61916 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Albin Chaplin   3024-0628



Down in Dixie a lecherous trollop                           
Said, "My crack packs a helluva wallop!                     
You may think it's funny,                                   
But it's dangerous, Sonny,                                  
For it's likely to swallow you-all up!"                     
                                                            
61917 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                        G0473



A New Brunswiker, down in Saint John,                       
Was caressed by his girl on the lawn,                       
And with consummate skill                                   
She engulfed him until,                                     
With a giggle and gasp, he was gone.                        
                                                            
61918 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Keith MacMillan       34b



Ma'am, refund my money with haste;                          
Your pussy is not to my taste.                              
I have a small belly.                                       
So when I gave you some 'welly',                            
You swallowed me up past my waist.                          
                                                            
61919 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Peter Wilkins            



Well sir, please do not take that view;                     
I'll explain my charges to you.                             
I charge by the inch;                                       
So it may make you flinch,                                  
But more money still, will be due.                          
                                                            
61920 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Peter Wilkins            



Three old maids, fighting Canada's cold,                    
Sipped on sherry, which made them get bold.                 
Pretty soon, each old bunny                                 
Did brag 'bout her cunny,                                   
Its size and how much it would hold!                        
                                                            
61921 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Allen Wolverton          



So the first Canuck spinster said: "See,                    
Looky here!  Mine's as big as the sea;                      
Any ship can drop anchor,                                   
A liner or tanker;                                          
I'll tell you they can't bother me!"                        
                                                            
61922 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Allen Wolverton          



Then the second old maid did declare:                       
"And so what?  Mine's as big as the air;                    
The whole air force can roar                                
In and not touch a sore;                                    
And they don't even ruffle a hair!"                         
                                                            
61923 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Allen Wolverton          



But the third old maid started to croon:                    
"Ladies, mine's as big as the moon;                         
Last New Year's a Scot                                      
Stumbled into my twat,                                      
And didn't come out until June!                             
                                                            
61924 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Allen Wolverton          



There once was a fellow named Roy                           
Who inserted a rather large toy.                            
He couldn't believe it                                      
When he went to retrieve it,                                
For he pulled out two men and a boy.                        
                                                            
61925 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN                             



An ailing young fellow from Cayce                           
Tried actively hard to keep pace,                           
And one lusty night                                         
With squeals of delight,                                    
He vanished right up without trace.                         
                                                            
61926 SNATCHES - LARGER - FALL IN    Hugh Oliver         A107A



There's a charming young girl in Tobruk,                    
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.                          
It's deep and it's wide,                                    
You can curl up inside,                                     
With a nice easy-chair and a book.                          
                                                            
61927 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           L0248



There was a young woman of Surrey                           
Who wanted to piss in a hurry.                              
She went 'round the back                                    
And opened her crack,                                       
And a fellow backed in with his lorry.                      
                                                            
61928 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           G1468



There was a young lady named Corrie,                        
Who pissed in her pants, and was sorry.                     
She lay on her back                                         
And opened her crack,                                       
And a fellow backed in with a lorry.                        
                                                            
61929 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Hugh McDonald            



We recall with the fondest of ease,                         
The front aperture of Louise.                               
'Twas shaped like a funnel;                                 
'Twas large as a tunnel,                                    
With space for a flying trapeze.                            
                                                            
61930 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                                



There was a young lady named Scott                          
Whose cunt was as big as a yacht.                           
When she died they all prayed                               
But the rites were delayed,                                 
For the coffin was lost in her twat.                        
                                                            
61931 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0612



Chelsea's mother, she's not got a quim?                     
I heard it's so deep you could swim                         
The hundred-yard dash                                       
From cervix to gash,                                        
And even contains its own gym.                              
                                                            
61932 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                                



There was an old whore from the Ruhr                        
Whose cunt was as big as a sewer.                           
If five men got together,                                   
With hip boots for bad weather,                             
They could go on a Cook's guided tour.                      
                                                            
61933 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0592



There was a fat lady of China,                              
Who had an enormous vagina.                                 
And when she was dead                                       
They painted it red,                                        
And used it for docking a liner.                            
                                                            
61934 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           L0141



There was a young lady named Dinah,                         
Who had the world's largest vagina.                         
She filled it with rocks                                    
To keep out the cocks;                                      
In the end, she married a miner.                            
                                                            
61935 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Kevin's Limerick Page    



There was a neurotic named Bloom                            
Who wished to return to the womb.                           
Having plenty of scratch,                                   
He rented a snatch,                                         
And had it fixed up as a room.                              
                                                            
61936 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           G2262



Said the sailors mounting her gunwale,                      
"This ain't no cunt, it's a manhole!"                       
But soon her life was complete,                             
For she tripped in the street,                              
And a motorist detoured through the tunnel.                 
                                                            
61937 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Lims For Year - 01       



There was a young lady named Brent,                         
With a cunt of enourmous extent,                            
And so deep and so wide,                                    
The acoustics inside                                        
Were so good you could hear when you spent.                 
(You could go camping inside, provided you brot yr own tent)
61938 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           L0134



Excuse me, madam, It's my duty.                             
It's not just because you're a beauty.                      
So please open wide                                         
While I poke 'round inside,                                 
Just in case you've stashed dope up your cutie.             
                                                            
61939 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       F Ormatsee               



Oh my, what do we have here?                                
You've heroin plugging your rear.                           
And here in your gash,                                      
Fourteen bags of hash.                                      
Was this carry-on luggage, my dear?                         
                                                            
61940 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       S C Saint                



There is a strange song, writ of old,                       
That lists what one tart's cunt will hold:                  
There's battleships, dukws*,                                
Tanks, field guns and trucks,                               
And Wellington bombers we're told.                          
                                                            
61941 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Anon                     



A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket,                         
Had a hole as big as a basket.                              
A spot, as a bride,                                         
In it now, you could hide,                                  
And include with your luggage, your mascot.                 
                                                            
61942 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           L0251



Inserting one's sex in Miss Mavern                          
Is like poking a cane in a cavern.                          
Were it in my possession,                                   
I would rent a concession:                                  
What a place to install a big tavern!                       
                                                            
61943 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           G0403



A young gynecologist named Slater,                          
While inspecting his fiance's mater,                        
Cried aloud, "Oh, dear me,                                  
What is this that I see?                                    
I believe I've discovered Judge Crater."                    
                                                            
61944 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                                



In Texas, a whore named Big Della                           
Is friend to a clever young fella;                          
Each day when it's hot,                                     
She spreads her huge twat                                   
And makes him a shady umbrella.                             
                                                            
61945 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Travis Brasell           



Well, that must be one pretty sight,                        
And the smell, I am sure, is just right.                    
In all of that heat,                                        
Her pretty pink meat                                        
Must be a fisherman's delight.                              
                                                            
61946 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Carol                    



The council is warning Hortense                             
That in view of her twat-hole immense,                      
Which is marked on their maps                               
As a hazard, perhaps                                        
She'd erect a perimeter fence.                              
                                                            
61947 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Peter Wilkins            



"If Hortense refuses a smidge                               
To erect a fence 'round her twat ridge,"                    
Said Councilman Smee.                                       
"She must use plan B                                        
And span her huge gorge with a bridge.                      
                                                            
61948 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Travis Brasell           



When you spread your legs open wide,                        
Your internal organs can't hide.                            
We could pave all the hair                                  
To save wear and tear,                                      
And park the Mercedes inside.                               
                                                            
61949 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a lady named Summer;                         
Whose cunt was as big as Hummer.                            
It was nine feet deep                                       
And the sides were quite steep;                             
Trying to screw her was really a bummer.                    
                                                            
61950 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Jim Weaver Collection    



A young lady wept, for her cunt,                            
Could hold a small launch and a punt.                       
Her mother barked, "Annie,                                  
It matches your fanny,                                      
Which never was that of a runt."                            
                                                            
61951 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           L0148



There was a young lady whose thighs,                        
When spread showed a slit of such size,                     
And so deep and so wide,                                    
You could play cards inside,                                
Much to her bridegrooms surprise.                           
                                                            
61952 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                           L0246



Though my first explanation met failure                     
And further attempts made you quail, yah?                   
And the hole's getting big                                  
I'll continue to dig                                        
Who knows? I might yet reach Austrailia                     
                                                            
61953 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Anon                     



A cavernous lady was Strand;                                
Her cunt, without question, was grand.                      
There was room for a fridge                                 
And four tables for bridge,                                 
And a place for a symphony band.                            
                                                            
61954 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0625



There was a young lady named Glubb,                         
Whose cunt was as big as a tub.                             
There was a room for her groom                              
With a mop and a broom,                                     
And some space for an evergreen shrub.                      
                                                            
61955 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Albin Chaplin 3024  G0344



Big Bertha said to a young renter,                          
"If you need a place for the winter                         
That's roomy and hot,                                       
Then stay in my twat;                                       
Just look for the sign that says 'Enter'."                  
                                                            
61956 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Travis Brasell           



A pensive young man of Khartoum                             
Considered with gloom his girl's womb.                      
Though he fucked the great cavern                           
Of the maid at the tavern,                                  
He had never observed such a tomb.                          
                                                            
61957 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Albin Chaplin   3024-2890



A bricklayer's wife name of Nixon,                          
Had room in her cunt for three bricks in,                   
Some space for a hod                                        
With cement in, by God,                                     
And she still could fit three or four pricks in.            
                                                            
61958 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Albin Chaplin   3024-0551



A fair maid from Cairo called Nur,                          
Was thought incredibly pure,                                
Till we saw her great stunt,                                
To ram up her cunt                                          
A ton and a half of manure.                                 
                                                            
61959 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Anon                     



There is a young lady of Ryde                               
Whose vagina is massively wide.                             
You should see the huge numbers                             
Of marrows, cucumbers                                       
And tree-trunks she slides up inside.                       
                                                            
61960 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                                



Oh Peter, my lover, my soul!                                
Something dreadfully's wrong with my hole!                  
It lies there agape,                                        
Without any shape!                                          
Must have been your vibrating barge pole!                   
                                                            
61961 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       OgniGioia                



There once was a chick from Nantucket,                      
With a cunt that could swallow a bucket.                    
She dreamed of the day                                      
And often would pray                                        
For a man with a dick that could fuck it.                   
                                                            
61962 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       David John Alexander     



There's a thing in her snatch, but no tellin'.              
I asked what it was, without yellin'.                       
She said, "Never mind!"                                     
So what did I find?                                         
A medium sized watermelon.                                  
                                                            
61963 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED       Frank                    



You tell me, is this woman a floozy?                        
The trick she performs is a doozy.                          
She takes a football,                                       
Lubes it up, puts it all                                    
Inside of her cavernous coozy.                              
                                                            
61964 SNATCHES - LARGER - USED                                



There were three young ladies of Grimsby                    
Who said, "Of what use can our quims be?                    
The hole in the middle                                      
Is so we can piddle,                                        
But for what can the hole in the rims be?"                  
                                                            
61965 SNATCHES - LOST                                    L0866



A swabie just in from the sea                               
Grabbed a whore as fat as could be.                         
He started taking a piece;                                  
She said, "You're in the wrong crease."                     
"Any port in a storm," said he.                             
                                                            
61966 SNATCHES - LOST                Ed Wolfert          P8406



There was a blind fellow named Fretter                      
Who found the cunt hole with his setter.                    
He could tell the right slot                                
By the twitch of the twat,                                  
But he claimed that the asshole was better.                 
                                                            
61967 SNATCHES - LOST                Albin Chaplin   3024-0920



Said a frustrated bride, Mrs. Hayes,                        
"Education on sex matters pays,                             
For my groom, so untaught,                                  
Cannot locate my twat,                                      
And he's asked for a couple more days."                     
                                                            
61968 SNATCHES - LOST                Albin Chaplin   3024-0190



There was a young girl named O'Dare                         
Whose body was covered with hair.                           
It was really great fun                                     
To probe in her bun,         (...with one's gun)            
For her pussy might be anywhere.                            
                                                            
61969 SNATCHES - LOST                                    L0332



Another young lady named Brickley,                          
The hair on her crotch sprouted thickly.                    
She made dates in advance                                   
To give suitors a chance,                                   
For they never could find it too quickly.                   
                                                            
61970 SNATCHES - LOST                Albin Chaplin 3024  G0265



There was a young lady of Asia,                             
Who had an odd kind of aphasia.                             
She'd forget that her cunt                                  
Was located in front,                                       
Which deprived her of most of the pleasure.                 
                                                            
61971 SNATCHES - LOST                                    L1366



While dining, a fellow named Nick                           
In his stew found an elephant's prick.                      
Said the waiter, "Don't hunt,                               
Someone just found a cunt;                                  
If you're nice he might give you a lick."                   
                                                            
61972 SNATCHES - LOST                Albin Chaplin   3024-1282



There was a young man named Fred,                           
Who never took women to bed.                                
When he wanted a little,                                    
He cut out the middle,                                      
And hung the rest in the shed.                              
                                                            
61973 SNATCHES - LOST                                         



When she' turned out the light, I said, "Miss               
I confess I'm a novice at this.                             
I've found a crevasse                                       
Which I think is your ass,                                  
But is it the right orifice?"                               
                                                            
61974 SNATCHES - LOST                Laurence Perrine    P8802



A knot could be bowline or square,                          
But only a sailor would care.                               
And he'd care a lot,                                        
When looking for twat,                                      
If he found that it was NOT there.                          
                                                            
61975 SNATCHES - LOST                Larry Davis         P8604



At a fur shop in downtown New Trier                         
There's a sign in the window each year,                     
Which read, "Men worry not                                  
'Bout July being hot --                                     
You can store your wife's beaver right here."               
                                                            
61976 SNATCHES - LOST                Michael Weinstein   P8606



A cautious young lady named Fox,                            
Gives her would-be seducers wild shocks.                    
On checking, they fail                                      
To find any tail.                                           
It's kept home, locked in a box.                            
                                                            
61977 SNATCHES - LOST                                    G2339



Your pussy, my dear Mrs. Slocum,                            
Is missing, or stolen, or brokum.                           
I'm sorry to say                                            
I looked forward one day,                                   
To dig in my fingers and strokum.                           
                                                            
61978 SNATCHES - LOST                Iris B.                  



There once was a fat girl named Dot,                        
Whose boyfriend could not find her twat.                    
"We could fuck for an hour,                                 
If you roll me in flour                                     
And aim for the little wet spot!"                           
                                                            
61979 SNATCHES - LOST                Jeanie                   



The fat and the flour and the heat                          
From her little wet spot was a neat                         
Kind of method for baking                                   
A pastry for making                                         
A tart he could eat for a treat.                            
                                                            
61980 SNATCHES - LOST                Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady named Pickett                        
Whose crotch was as thick as a thicket.                     
Her snatch was behind it                                    
But her man could not find it,                              
And he never was able to lick it.                           
                                                            
61981 SNATCHES - LOST                Albin Chaplin   3024-0577



So I said to the mermaid, "My dear,                         
I've thought about this for a year:                         
Since it's no use to hunt                                   
For a cunt in your front,                                   
By chance, is there one in your rear?"                      
                                                            
61982 SNATCHES - LOST                Grand Prix Lim  004 G0951



They tell of a lass named Regina                            
Who eloped with a gal named Edwina.                         
Both were surprised                                         
When at last they surmised                                  
That neither gal had a vagina.                              
                                                            
61983 SNATCHES - LOST                Serious Player           



There once was a cook in a kitchen,                         
Who couldn't stop howlin' and bitchin'.                     
She claimed Aunt Jemima                                     
Had stole her vagina,                                       
And shut it up tight with some stitchin'.                   
                                                            
61984 SNATCHES - LOST                                         



A hirsute young girl named Regina,                          
Called in a water-diviner,                                  
To play a slick trick                                       
With his prick as a stick,                                  
To help her locate her vagina.                              
                                                            
61985 SNATCHES - LOST                                    L1524



There once was a girl named Marie,                          
Whose cunt I wanted to see.                                 
When I took off her underwear,                              
It just wasn't there.                                       
Now where in the fuck could it be?                          
                                                            
61986 SNATCHES - LOST                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl named Cholmondeley,                  
Witty, warm-hearted, and colmondeley.                       
No girl could be finer                                      
But she lacked a vaginar,                                   
As sad and arresting anolmondeley.                          
                                                            
61987 SNATCHES - LOST                                    G0294



She told him, "With me please don't mess,                   
Currently I'm under a lot of stress,"                       
The rash youth persisted,                                   
He no longer existed,                                       
Moral -- beware of gals with PMS!                           
                                                            
61988 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL                                    



So happy is Susie's fresh tampon,                           
Before she gets period cramp on;                            
Erect in the clench                                         
And the heat of the wench,                                  
With her juicy sweet feminine damp on.                      
                                                            
61989 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Peter Wilkins            



The Shah did return the next day;                           
His palace was in disarray.                                 
He had to find out                                          
What had come about;                                        
He flossed with her red cotton pony.                        
                                                            
61990 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



A loose-moraled floozie named Lunt                          
Inserts monthly plugs in her cunt.                          
A great waste of gauze                                      
Quite simply because                                        
There's rarely much bleeding up front.                      
                                                            
61991 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Armand E Singer       303



Yes, living is all uphill hoeing:                           
Whenever I get a girl going,                                
Stick my finger a notch                                     
Or two up her crotch,                                       
I find the dumb bunny is flowing!                           
                                                            
61992 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL                               G0092



On a date with his girl friend, Young Brose                 
Placed his head right between her big toes;                 
Then went in to his chin                                    
Where her Kotex had been,                                   
And he thought he was kissing a rose.                       
                                                            
61993 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-0796



There was a young widow of Nain                             
Who the bedclothees did frequently stain.                   
With such great inflammation                                
Came such menstruation,                                     
Her cunt so long idle had lain.                             
(Published 1870)                                            
61994 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL                               L0879



Have you heard that young Jimmy McGuire                     
Had an alcohol-fueled deep desire?                          
Met a maid who gave head,                                   
Then licked her sweet spread;                               
He awoke feeling like a vampire.                            
                                                            
61995 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL                                    



There once was a man named Chad,                            
With habits disgustingly bad.                               
When Kelly was bleeding,                                    
He then would start feeding;                                
He loved the taste of her pad!                              
                                                            
61996 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



A young lad went out night for some straying,               
With a head for thighs 'twixt, he be laying,                
But his sweetheart said "No,                                
I'v started my flow,                                        
But my ass is game if your playing."                        
                                                            
61997 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Straydog                 



Jay's ex was a bitch and a nag,                             
Who ruined a black beanbag.                                 
The stench from her box                                     
Drained the blood from all cocks.                           
She refused to put on the rag.                              
                                                            
61998 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Dr Limerick              



There was a young fellow named Fred                         
Who called up his wife once and said,                       
He at work had a date,                                      
And came home rather late,                                  
But the end of his nose was all red.                        
                                                            
61999 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Albin Chaplin            



A crosseyed old seamstress named Kate                       
Whose vision wasn't so great,                               
Because of her stitching,                                   
All her clients were bitching.                              
They said she couldn't "mend straight."                     
                                                            
62000 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Popsicle                 



Now Caroline, writer of verse,                              
Was laid low one day by the curse.                          
And her menstrual flow                                      
Was a bit of a blow,                                        
To the laundry, who'd seen nothing worse.                   
                                                            
62001 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Stephen Cordwell         



Now Charlie, our prince, is the champion,                   
Of being reborn as a tampon.                                
That seems very mucky;                                      
I'd think it unlucky,                                       
So that notion I'd rapidly stamp on.                        
                                                            
62002 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Tiddy Ogg                



If reincarnation's the rule                                 
Of life after death, 'twould be cool.                       
I'd be most fulfilled-o                                     
Reborn as a dildo,                                          
That's passed around Cheltenham School.                     
                                                            
62003 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Tiddy Ogg                



Or better still -- one double-ended,                        
That's specially made, and intended                         
For gals lesbionic.                                         
'Twould sure be ironic,                                     
To come between two so befriended.                          
                                                            
62004 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Tiddy Ogg                



While wandering through Eritrea,                            
That feminist, Germaine Gree(r)                             
Was caught without tampons                                  
(It does sometimes happons.)                                
That's why they now have a Red Sea.                         
                                                            
62005 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Tiddy Ogg                



Said an woman from old San Jose,                            
To her lover, embarrassed, "Oh say,                         
This vagina of mine,                                        
You say is like wine.                                       
But today, I'm afraid, it's rose.                           
                                                            
62006 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Isaac Asimov             



There's a filthy old slut named Denise,                     
Who is riddled with venereal disease.                       
During her menstruation                                     
The whole bloody nation                                     
Reeks of rotten eels and bad cheese.                        
                                                            
62007 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



To her boyfriend, a lady named Grace                        
Said her cunthole had rags set in place.                    
Said her boyfriend, so grave,                               
"Though your cunt we can't save,                            
You can still find a way to save face."                     
                                                            
62008 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Albin Chaplin   3024-0815



A licker of menses named Judd                               
Explained why he relished this crud:                        
"From a whore I'm descended                                 
Whom the king once upended,                                 
And within me I have sporting blood."                       
                                                            
62009 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Albin Chaplin            



A girl who was down at the station,                         
Suddenly began menstruation.                                
She jumped up with a grin,                                  
Stuffed two tampons in,                                     
And felt a feeling of elation.                              
                                                            
62010 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



A studious scholar said, "What                              
Is the hue of the menstrual clot?"                          
A dark mouldy red                                           
Like the stain on your bed,                                 
That turns green when the weather is hot.                   
                                                            
62011 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Iain Cain                



This story is vile, to the letter,                          
But to really should tell it, I'd better.                   
On her he'd not lag,                                        
Chewing through that wet rag;                               
He should not have worn a white sweater.                    
                                                            
62012 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL           Jim Weaver Collection    



I'm amazed what technology brings -                         
How inventors come up with new things;                      
Such as, who would have guessed,                            
Or would even suggest,                                      
That a kotex would, one day, have wings.                    
                                                            
62013 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL                                    



Impressed that those pads now have wings?                   
'Tis just one of those gimmicky things;                     
For what women most praise                                  
On those heavy-flow days,                                   
Is the fact that their tampons have strings!                
                                                            
62014 SNATCHES - MENSTRUAL                                    



There was a young lady of Natchez,                          
Who chanced to be born with two snatches.                   
And she often said, "Shit!                                  
I'd give either teat                                        
For a man with equipment that matches."                     
                                                            
62015 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin 3024  L0201



There was a young fellow named Locke,                       
Who was born with a two-headed cock.                        
When he'd fondle the thing,                                 
It would rise up and sing                                   
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.                               
(The fruits of his sins, are invariably twins.)             
62016 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin 3024  L0202



But whether these two ever met                              
Has not been recorded as yet.                               
Still it would be diverting                                 
To see him inserting                                        
His whang while it sang a duet.                             
                                                            
62017 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin 3024  L0203



Young Lock felt the need of God's grace,                    
So in Natchez, in church, took his place.                   
There he fondled his cock                                   
And delighted the flock                                     
When it sang both soprano and bass.                         
                                                            
62018 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0555



The lady of Natchez came there                              
And both of her snatches did bare.                          
The whole congregation                                      
Sang hymns with elation                                     
While the Bishop was blessing the pair.                     
                                                            
62019 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0556



On the altar, the lady of Natchez                           
Lay down to show Lock her two snatches.                     
And his two-headed prod                                     
Sang with glory to God,                                     
While she measured to see how it matches.                   
                                                            
62020 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0557



Lock plunged in his two-pronged erection;                   
It fit the two cunts to perfection.                         
While the organist played,                                  
The young lady got laid,                                    
And the Bishop observed with affection.                     
                                                            
62021 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0558



There was an old whore of Hong Kong                         
Who always attracted a throng.                              
'Twas her fortune, so rare,                                 
To be born with a spare,                                    
A reserve in case something went wrong.                     
                                                            
62022 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0473



It seems that a girl with two cunts                         
Had failed to find two-peckered runts.                      
So she tried this instructor,                               
And so quickly he fucked her,                               
That he fucked both her pussies at once.                    
                                                            
62023 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0444



A young man who lived in Khartoum,                          
Was exceedingly fond of the womb.                           
He thought nothing finer,                                   
That the human vagina,                                      
So he kept three or four in his room.                       
                                                            
62024 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                L1456



A joyful young lady named Brenda                            
Was born with a double pudenda.                             
This made her so rigorous,                                  
You had to be vigorous,                                     
Or you couldn't get on her agenda.                          
                                                            
62025 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin 3024  G0264



'Twas a girl named Laura McTore,                            
Who was world renowned as a whore.                          
Her breasts were runts,                                     
But she had fifteen cunts,                                  
She could service a whole team and more.                    
                                                            
62026 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Lims For Year - 01       



Andrea has a body that just doesn't quit;                   
A tight little ass and big nice round tits.                 
And from the waist down,                                    
Well here's what I found:                                   
Three sets of labia and fourteen-odd clits.                 
                                                            
62027 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a nude girl named Minah,                     
Conceived, born and raised in China.                        
When she smiled you would find                              
She had four of a kind:                                     
Two each on her face and vagina.                            
                                                            
62028 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Jim Weaver Collection    



A well-endowed woman named Dole                             
Possessed a unique second hole,                             
But finding a lover                                         
With two pricks, to shove her,                              
Proved quite an unreachable goal.                           
                                                            
62029 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Armand E Singer       281



A peculiar young lady named Hunt                            
Has cunts both behind and in front.                         
She's hot for coition                                       
In any position                                             
That the hard-peckered try for a stunt.                     
                                                            
62030 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                G0366



I love anything that is Poly...                             
Merry Zation or Morphus, by golly!                          
But mulitple clits                                          
Have great benefits                                         
As you'd see in my Poly-Cum Dolly.                          
                                                            
62031 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                     



The intrepid explorer named Hame                            
Found that pussies were not all the same.                   
There were cunts just for licking                           
And some others for sticking,                               
And some cunts to be fucked in great shame.                 
                                                            
62032 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin            



A girl with two snatches named Plum                         
Left a lad so confused, he was numb.                        
What bothered him so --                                     
He knew where to go,                                        
But he never knew where he should come.                     
                                                            
62033 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0584



There once was a redneck called Jim                         
Who liked his girls fat more than slim.                     
"If she's bigger, she's better;                             
If she's tubby, I'll get her;                               
Because big girls have a multiple quim.                     
                                                            
62034 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Jim Weaver Collection    



The yen of a young man of Spruntz,                          
For girls with four tits and two cunts,                     
Is both childish and silly,                                 
When you think, willy-nilly,                                
He can only fuck one cunt, just once!                       
                                                            
62035 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                G2518



There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,                
Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.                        
When one pireg is shot,                                     
There's that alternate twat,                                
But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.                      
                                                            
62036 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                L0149



There once was a horse named Lily                           
Whose dingus was really a dilly.                            
It was vaginoid duply,                                      
And labial quadruply--                                      
In fact, he was really a filly.                             
                                                            
62037 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                L0184



It seems that a harlot in Natchez                           
Was blessed from birth with two snatches.                   
With half her appliance                                     
She services clients,                                       
The other is stuffed with book matches.                     
                                                            
62038 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                G0410



Said an indigent hooker from Natchez,                       
"I believe I see not what the catch is:                     
There is no way in the world                                
That a half-decent girl'd                                   
Become wealthy with less than two snatches."                
                                                            
62039 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Armand E Singer        44



My aunty did carnival stunts;                               
She was born with thirteen cunts.                           
With that many snatches,                                    
She'd fuck men in batches.                                  
Not bad for a two foot tall runt.                           
                                                            
62040 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            RGB Writer               



I once met a three-breasted slut,                           
Who had two cracks in her butt.                             
But the best part to me                                     
Was the fact that she                                       
Had TWO really tight cuts.                                  
                                                            
62041 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Possum             TP9802



Sweet Emily's so tight when I'm fuckiner;                   
Sometimes I think I'm stuckiner.                            
The opposite's true                                         
Of a gal I'll call Lou,                                     
So loose I'll just take a tuckiner.                         
                                                            
62042 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Sam Pittman        TP9804



It was with delectation that Fred                           
Took a girl with three pussies to bed.                      
"Though my aim was to diddle                                
The one in the middle,                                      
I tripled my pleasure," he said.                            
                                                            
62043 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            William N Nesbit    P9607



A joyful young lady named Brenda                            
Was born with a double pudenda.                             
An old bishop named Lew                                     
Split his pecker in two,                                    
And he fucked her in his hacienda.                          
                                                            
62044 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE            Albin Chaplin   3024-0989



A prosperous merchant of Rhone,                             
Took orders for cunt on the phone.                          
The same could be baled,                                    
Stamped, labeled, and mailed,                               
To a limited parcel-post zone.                              
                                                            
62045 SNATCHES - MULTIPLE                                L1051



The Queen of burlesque, Pussy Hunt,                         
Could whistle show tunes through her cunt.                  
But a close investigation                                   
Proved Pussy's vocation                                     
Was just a ventriloquist's stunt.                           
                                                            
62046 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 G2369



Another young lady named Hunt,                              
Could smoke a cigar with her cunt.                          
"Smoking stunts growth,"                                    
She proclaimed with an oath,                                
Giving birth one fine day, to a runt.                       
                                                            
62047 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 G2370



A coloratura, Miss Bing,                                    
Has taught her vagina to sing.                              
With one voice sonorous,                                    
Her antipnonal chorus                                       
Much pleasure to patrons does bring.                        
                                                            
62048 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Al Chaplin          P8602



She sits with a cat with no purr,                           
So I puts me hand on her fur.                               
And I pokes and provokes                                    
And I coaxes and strokes                                    
'Til her pussy commences to whirrrr....                     
                                                            
62049 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Brian Belge              



Talking pussy, what a concept my dear!                      
That's something I'd sure like to hear!                     
With my old lady's twat,                                    
I can pump it a lot,                                        
And it will do a spiffy Bronx cheer!                        
                                                            
62050 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                      



Some ladies have feminine arts,                             
That give to them musical parts.                            
Especially if humping                                       
With doggy-style pumping,                                   
They'll generate vaginal farts.                             
                                                            
62051 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                      



There once was a fellow from China,                         
Whose wife had a talking vagina.                            
He tongued through the fur,                                 
Then finally licked her                                     
And discovered inside her, a mynah!                         
                                                            
62052 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Richard Long             



There was a young lady from Harrow                          
Whose cunt was exceedinly narrow;                           
To tight for a midget,                                      
A tampon, or digit,                                         
But just the right width for a sparrow.                     
                                                            
62053 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Peter Wilkins            



The young lady from Harrow was sweet;                       
She could do an impressive feat.                            
Folks would come by the board                               
And would never be bored,                                   
By a cunt that could go tweet-tweet!                        
                                                            
62054 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Kristen                  



A teacher of language, Miss Flock,                          
Had taught her vagina to talk.                              
And it managed by rote                                      
An old biblical quote,                                      
And could sing a few snatches by Bach.                      
                                                            
62055 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0450



A lady whose surname was Blore,                             
Had a snatch that had learned how to snore.                 
Some boyfriends just wept,                                  
When from sleep they were kept;                             
But some woke it, and had an encore.                        
                                                            
62056 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Veronica                        
Whose vagina was like a harmonica.                          
When blown the right way        (When properly handled,)    
The darn thing would play       (And diddled and dandled,)  
A solo for Jew's harp on Chanukah.                          
(It played Beethoven's Seventh Symphonica.)                 
62057 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 G0920



This tale may be somewhat absurd,                           
But this is the story I heard --                            
When a cunt learned to speak,                               
It said, "Mouth!" with a shriek,                            
Which to cunts is the dirtiest word.                        
                                                            
62058 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Albin Chaplin   3024-1919



Vagina Monologues, critics say "see",                       
But I don't know how that could be.                         
They've had many chances                                    
While exploring girls' pantses;                             
No vagina ever talked to me.                                
                                                            
62059 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



There was an old whore from Madras,                         
Who was bushed with a liner of brass.                       
When you clappered the bell,                                
She would tinkle like hell,                                 
And played the bass notes with her ass.                     
                                                            
62060 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 G1421



There was a young lady of Wells                             
Whose cervix was festooned with bells.                      
Whenever she'd come                                         
Her vagina would hum,                                       
Just like the Bolero -- Ravel's.                            
                                                            
62061 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 G0484



There was a young girl named McNerd,                        
Whose cunt was the strangest, one heard.                    
It would cheep and would cluck                              
And right after a fuck,                                     
It would twitter and sing like a bird!                      
                                                            
62062 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0542



She shrieked and then beat her bare breast;                 
She said, "Hump me, I'm truly impressed.                    
With his dick in her dock,                                  
He caused her to rock                                       
And singing came out of her nest!                           
                                                            
62063 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Lo and Behold       T9707



A damsel who lives at The Springs,                          
Had a maidenhead ripped into strings,                       
By a hidious Kurd,                                          
And now, she averred,                                       
"When the wind blows through it, it sings."                 
                                                            
62064 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 L1638



There was a soprano from Reggio,                            
Whose cunt was trained in solfeggio.                        
One day a contraction                                       
Caused such a reaction,                                     
She pissed, and missed an arpeggio!                         
(solfeggio - do re me scale exercises)                      
62065 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                      



There was a young lady from Dee,                            
Whose hymen was split into three.                           
And when she was diddled,                                   
The middle string fiddled,                                  
"Nearer, My God, To Thee."                                  
                                                            
62066 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 G1539



A disc jockey who's named Louise,                           
Had a box with a sucking disease.                           
One night it got wet,                                       
And I lost a cassette,                                      
An eight-track, and twenty CD's.                            
                                                            
62067 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Eddie                    



A maiden who lived in Virginny,                             
Had a cunt that could neigh, bark, and whinny.              
The hunting set rushed her,                                 
Fucked, buggered and crushed her,                           
When the pitch of her organ went tinny.                     
                                                            
62068 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 L0257



There was a young girl of Angina                            
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.                     
From the love-making dock,                                  
With the proper sized cock,                                 
Came Tocata and Fugue in D Minor.                           
                                                            
62069 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Anon                     



A debutante whose name was Karen,                           
With only one fault that was glare'n,                       
I "knew' her quite well (wink)                              
Though with her, I would sink.                              
Whispers I'd hear. Too much air "in".                       
                                                            
62070 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                      



Karen was a generous hostess.                               
Although the sounds I rarely noticed,                       
My ears were pinned tightly                                 
Which was about nightly,                                    
By legs which I wore like a poultice.                       
                                                            
62071 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                      



In the violin section Miss Hunt                             
Rubbed her twat with her bow out in front.                  
The conductor, in shock,                                    
Waved the knob of his cock,                                 
And sweet music poured out of her cunt.                     
                                                            
62072 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Albin Chaplin   3024-0480



The ventriloquist, young Mrs. Scott,                        
She could throw out her voice from her twat;                
Hard-of-hearing Joe Funt                                    
Put his ear to her cunt,                                    
Then looked up, as he said to her, "What?"                  
                                                            
62073 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             Cap'n Bean          P9912



A boyfriend of hers once did weep,                          
When her cunt it did talk in its sleep.                     
He thought for a while                                      
Then started to smile,                                      
As he lifted the covers to peep.                            
                                                            
62074 SNATCHES - MUSICAL             R F Bardsley             



I've a trick could earn a fortune,                          
For by angling the lips with a spoon,                       
And arching my back                                         
To lengthen my crack,                                       
I can get it to whistle a tune.                             
                                                            
62075 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                      



There was a young lady from Brussels,                       
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.                       
She could easily plex them,                                 
And so interflex them,                                      
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.               
                                                            
62076 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 L0136



A young girl from North Carolina,                           
Had a very capricious vagina.                               
To the shock of the fucker,                                 
'Twould suddenly pucker,                                    
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah".                          
                                                            
62077 SNATCHES - MUSICAL                                 L0139



A pickup line's always a hurdle,                            
So I tried out a new one on Myrtle                          
By asking her blunt,                                        
"Can I smell your cunt?"                                    
"Don't think so; I'm wearing a girdle."                     
                                                            
62078 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Hugh Clary               



A suspicious young fellow was Kelter;                       
His wife did behave or he'd belt her.                       
Every day, to be sure                                       
That she kept herself pure,                                 
He extended her legs and he smelt her.                      
                                                            
62079 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Albin Chaplin   3024-2137



There once was a girl named Maureen                         
Whose cunt wasn't kept very clean.                          
The semen dripped out                                       
Of her smelly old spout,                                    
Which she wiped up and ate with Salteens.                   
                                                            
62080 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Talky Toaster            



There once was a girl from Port Mellon,                     
Whose cunt just wouldn't stop smellin'.                     
Although it was rank,                                       
Dark, dingy, and dank,                                      
It still set my pecker to swellin'.                         
                                                            
62081 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Eric S.                  



When close to her crotch you are smelling,                  
A woman is ne'er so compelling.                             
The air is so estrous                                       
A bee wouldn't pester us;                                   
Bird shit from on high's not repelling.                     
                                                            
62082 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



I went to a strip club in Bude;                             
The dancing was terribly lewd;                              
When a man sat up front,                                    
Said "I smell a cunt",                                      
Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude!               
                                                            
62083 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



I once knew a man with a horse,                             
Which he fucked as a matter of course.                      
Though it wasn't real pretty                                
And smelled a bit shitty,                                   
He'd had pussy that smelled a lot worse.                    
                                                            
62084 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             MrMalo                   



A filthy old lady named Patch                               
A fellow enticed with her snatch.                           
He bent over to puke,                                       
And he said, "What a fluke,                                 
By hand I must run off a batch."                            
                                                            
62085 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Albin Chaplin   3024-1735



So you think you pussy's "the" treat.                       
Hmm...probably smells like athlete's feet.                  
Better yet, athlete's cunt,                                 
All moldy in front.                                         
Bet it's got more hair than Buckwheat.                      
(Buckwheat - bushy haired black boy in Our Gang comedies)   
62086 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



A voluptuous blonde, all petite,                            
On vacation one day I did meet.                             
I asked her quite blunt,                                    
"Can I smell your cunt?"                                    
She said, "No. I think it's your feet."                     
                                                            
62087 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Dick Slimer         T9712



A world circling pussy cartel                               
Composed of Dupont, Ford and Shell,                         
Proposed close control                                      
As their primary goal,                                      
So a poor man could not get a smell                         
                                                            
62088 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Albin Chaplin   3024-0416



There once was a whore from New Delhi,                      
Whose poontang was rather smelly.                           
It was rancid and sour                                      
And got worse by the hour,                                  
But it didn't keep men off her belly.                       
                                                            
62089 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             MrMalo                   



I like to eat out a lot;                                    
An entree superb is the twat!                               
But your last panty melt,                                   
As I looked and I smelt,                                    
Had nothing to do with chocolate.                           
                                                            
62090 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



To your ear, if you hold up a shell,                        
The ocean you'll hear (so they tell).                       
But you'll find you've got                                  
A lot more with a twat...                                   
Not only the sound, but the smell!                          
                                                            
62091 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



There was a young fellow named Pell,                        
Who didn't like cunt very well.                             
He would finger and fuck one,                               
But never would suck one--                                  
He just couldn't get used to the smell.                     
                                                            
62092 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                 L0421



"I told you," said Dick to Louise,                          
"Not to wash for a month, if you please.                    
I prefer hanky panky                                        
With you when your manky,                                   
And smelling of over-ripe cheese."                          
                                                            
62093 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Peter Wilkins            



"I told you," said Louise to Dick,                          
"I am not some dirty old trick.                             
I'll wash when I please,                                    
And I don't like cheese,                                    
So you keep your ripe smelly old prick!"                    
                                                            
62094 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Marlene Lewis            



A bad little girl in Madrid,                                
A most reprehensible kid,                                   
Told her Aunt Louise,                                       
Her cunt smelled like cheese,                               
And the worst of it was that it did!                        
                                                            
62095 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                 L0196



There was an old rake of Cohoes,                            
Who loved to sniff cunts up his nose.                       
He said, quoting Shelly:                                    
"A violet is smelly,                                        
But a cunt is the polecat's pink hose!"                     
                                                            
62096 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                 G2297



Said a man to a maid in Ashanti,                            
"Can one sniff your twidget, or can't he?"                  
Said she with a grin,                                       
"Sure, stick your nose in!                                  
But presto, please -- not too andante."                     
                                                            
62097 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                 L0380



A detective named Ellery Queen,                             
Has olafactory powers so keen,                              
He can tell in a flash,                                     
By the scent of a gash,                                     
Who its previous tenant had been.                           
                                                            
62098 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                 L1518



I don't want to sound like I'm nosy,                        
But you spoke of something quite rosy.                      
Then I missed what you said                                 
Of aromas in bed...                                         
Is the topic a pussy or posy?                               
                                                            
62099 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Bob Birch           P9803



An insatiable satyr named Bruce                             
Liked his women delightfully loose.                         
They're the kind                                            
It takes sniffing to find,                                  
And when found, put to very good use.                       
                                                            
62100 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



There once lived a girl named Jess;                         
I liked to put my hand up her dress.                        
At least once a month,                                      
I'd play with her cunt.                                     
It smelled rather queer, I confess.                         
                                                            
62101 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



A prisoner of Chateau d'If,                                 
Ran around on all fours for a sniff                         
Of his comrade's posterior,                                 
And said, "It's inferior,                                   
But it somehow reminds me of quiff."                        
                                                            
62102 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                 L0475



A gent at a sexy boutique                                   
Eyed the sales girl, Dominique.                             
He said, "I'm just sniffin'                                 
Your stuff is quite spiffin'                                
But a musk scent is more what I seek."                      
                                                            
62103 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



She said, "I'll just check in the back..."                  
And returned with some panties in black,                    
He sniffed with delight,                                    
The scent was just right!                                   
She smiled and said, "Quim has that knack!"                 
                                                            
62104 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



An unfortunate lady named Dot                               
Had an overabundance of snot.                               
But it wasn't her nose                                      
That dripped onto her clothes;                              
From the smell I'd say it was her twat!                     
                                                            
62105 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



When younger I made women smile                             
By licking their steaming shag pile.                        
But now I'm too old                                         
To be quite so bold,                                        
And sniffing is my doggy style.                             
                                                            
62106 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



Old dog, when you sniff the hind fur                        
Of bitches in heat, don't you err                           
By sticking your snout                                      
Too close or she'll pout                                    
And snarl with that 'headaching' 'grrrr!"                   
                                                            
62107 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Travis Brasell           



And why in the Hell, d'you suppose                          
I'm wearing this prosthetic nose?                           
If it weren't from a dose                                   
I just got when too close                                   
To one of her bellowing blows.                              
                                                            
62108 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             SFA                      



There was a young woman named Pellett                       
Whose cunt was immense, but she'd sell it.                  
Though Jack's penis was tall,                               
He felt nothing at all;                                     
"Well at least, dear," he said, "I can smell it."           
                                                            
62109 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                 G1849



Well, Hortense may be like that singer                      
Who diddled herself and would linger                        
For days at a time                                          
With feelings sublime,                                      
While sniffing the stink on her finger.                     
                                                            
62110 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



There once was a woman named Mable,                         
Who liked to lay on the table,                              
Naked as sin                                                
With a shit-eating grin,                                    
While from inside, my tongue licked her navel.              
                                                            
62111 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



It stinks, and it stank, and it stunk;                      
Her pussy smelled like a skunk.                             
This I will tell:                                           
To get past that smell,                                     
I'd have to drink and drank and get drunk.                  
                                                            
62112 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



So I'd down a whole bottle of gin                           
'Cause I liked to see Miss Mable grin.                      
She'd take off her clothes,                                 
I'd clothes-pin my nose;                                    
Just a drunk with some skunk on his chin.                   
                                                            
62113 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



A couple named Jenny and Peter;                             
He tried but he just couldn't eat her.                      
'Cause out of her gash                                      
Chipmunks would dash;                                       
They thought her cunt was a cedar.                          
                                                            
62114 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Jim Weaver Collection    



Magician's assistant young Sue                              
Was sawn each performance in two,                           
'Til all that was left                                      
Of poor Sue was her cleft,                                  
Which by then was too rotten to screw.                      
                                                            
62115 SNATCHES - ODOROUS             Peter Wilkins            



Many  ladies feel stressed, sure enough,                    
When restoring a once-splendid muff;                        
To relieve any fears,                                       
Think about it, my dears;                                   
Diagnosis must be up-to-snuff.                              
                                                            
62116 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



Culture and pussy?  Oh please!                              
I once had a girl on her knees;                             
When our humping updrafted,                                 
The aroma that wafted,                                      
Sure smelled like a well-cultured cheese.                   
                                                            
62117 SNATCHES - ODOROUS                                      



I once had a girl named Lisa,                               
Whose snatch smelled like anchovie pizza.                   
I shouldn't been carin',                                    
But her bunghole 'twarn't barren,                           
And she hadn't wiped it up neitha'.                         
                                                            
62118 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      LBH                      



An old spinster, Aunt Tillie McTish,                        
Was arrested for smelling like fish.                        
She said, "What can I say?                                  
Since I broke my bidet,                                     
Female hygiene just isn't my dish."                         
                                                            
62119 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      William N. Nesbit   P9602



There was a young lady from Quoddie,                        
Who had a magnificent body.                                 
And her face was not bad,                                   
Yet she'd never been had,                                   
For her odor was markedly coddy.                            
                                                            
62120 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                          L0889



I fished all night long by the dam                          
And caught forty fish as they swam;                         
And each had a smell                                        
that I know so well...                                      
Faye, Babs, Jane, Regina, Jo, Pam...                        
                                                            
62121 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Travis Brasell           



Now Faye, I remember so well;                               
She was fat and had spots on her bell-                      
Y.  And it's even been said                                 
That she often gave head                                    
In the heather or in the bluebell.                          
                                                            
62122 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Richard Jean             



With Babs I scored only the once,                           
And that was while leaned on a fence.                       
While Jane would go down                                    
If you showed half a crown                                  
And Regina, well she was just dense.                        
                                                            
62123 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Richard Jean             



With Jo, you got lots for your money,                       
For she was a bit of a honey.                               
While Pam, being younger,                                   
Oozed sexual hunger                                         
And rampant as the proverbial bunny.                        
                                                            
62124 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Richard Jean             



I might, I suppose, like the whiff                          
Of fish if I'm smoking a spliff;                            
But surely a whiting                                        
Ain't half as exciting                                      
As girlies' used panties to sniff.                          
                                                            
62125 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Peter Wilkins            



Though the scent of a woman can be                          
Reminiscent of vinegar/pee,                                 
I am happy to smell                                         
Any mademoiselle;                                           
Most remind me of fruit of the sea!                         
                                                            
62126 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Mark Levy           P9706



Hey I'm a vagina technician;                                
I can fix one in any condition.                             
But the job is sheer hell                                   
'Cause I get near the smell,                                
And I want to take off and go fishin'.                      
                                                            
62127 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                               



There once was a girl from Brazil                           
That made men exceedingly ill.                              
That place that men wish                                    
Smelled so much like fish,                                  
That they needed a nausea pill.                             
                                                            
62128 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Tim Laun                 



Now these whores of Lou Ann are fine dishes;                
They know how to fulfill all your wishes.                   
You must pay them well,                                     
But don't mind the smell --                                 
You'll get used to the odor of fishes.                      
                                                            
62129 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                               



In past years a girl I knew;                                
She hailed from Kalamazoo,                                  
In the state of Michigan                                    
And smelling of fish again;                                 
She tasted like fish again, too.                            
                                                            
62130 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Gearhart                 



I went to the fishmonger's deli,                            
Where scents of dead fish were so smelly.                   
But this I must say:                                        
Got homesick today                                          
For the pussy of ex-girlfriend, Nellie.                     
                                                            
62131 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Travis Brasell           



Shrimpers in la Batre have the life;                        
A seaport town absent of strife.                            
A man came one day                                          
But he would not stay,                                      
Said, "The scent here smells just like my wife!"            
                                                            
62132 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                               



Bald weirdo Jon Smith took a lock                           
Of hair from each pussy his cock                            
Had screwed, and the pig                                    
Made himself a coarse wig;                                  
It smelled like a trawler fleet dock.                       
                                                            
62133 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Ward Hardman             



That explains the fact to me,                               
Despite flies and occasional flea,                          
Why an open can of tuna                                     
In a lesbians bed rooma                                     
Is referred to as a potpourri.                              
                                                            
62134 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                               



A tuna sat next to his brother.                             
Their dad looked from one to the other.                     
"Boys," he said, "listen,                                   
Two things smell like fish, an'                             
Both of those things are your mother."                      
                                                            
62135 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                               



A lover of girls, old Van Pelt,                             
Wouldn't dick them until he had smelt                       
An aroma of tuna,                                           
And vowed he would sooner                                   
Have lunch before loosening his belt.                       
                                                            
62136 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Grizz                    



There once was a girl named Straight,                       
Whose pussy did smell like bait.                            
Whenever I'd pound her,                                     
The room reeked of flounder;                                
Her twat, she need to refrigerate!                          
                                                            
62137 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Jim Weaver Collection    



As I saw my good friend, I said "Hi Jean!"                  
As she sat down beside me so smiling.                       
But she stank like a fish                                   
And I really do wish                                        
She'd take care of her feminie hygiene.                     
                                                            
62138 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Raikou                   



A wiseman who lived in a grotto,                            
Was asked if he lived by a motto.                           
He said, "Get in the britches                               
Of all willing bitches,                                     
But not if they smell like Clamato!"                        
                                                            
62139 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      John Chastaine     TP9802



A salesgirl of perfume, Miss Tish,                          
Stunk bad, though her pussy she'd swish.                    
Said her boss, "You must leave,                             
But there's no need to grieve;                              
You can work as a monger of fish."                          
                                                            
62140 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Albin Chaplin   3024-0629



A girl with a snatch bizarre,                               
Had the strangest pussy by far.                             
It was six inches wide,                                     
And all furry inside,                                       
With the smell of an overripe gar.                          
                                                            
62141 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Stan                     



A passionate lover named Chilton                            
While tonguing some broad in the Hilton,                    
Gagged, saying, "Good God,                                  
You smell like rank cod,                                    
Or worse, much like overripe Stilton!"                      
                                                            
62142 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Armand E Singer       462



The odor of female humanity,                                
Makes many a man lose his sanity.                           
Those bits pheremonal                                       
Affect men's hormonal                                       
Response, and he'll dive for her crannity.                  
                                                            
62143 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Tiddy Ogg                



Delectable, scrumptious, delish,                            
Men find such a sweet-smelling dish.                        
Aroma they savor,                                           
With distinctive flavor,                                    
In a pussy that tastes like a fish.                         
                                                            
62144 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Goin2later               



My shallowness haunts me each day                           
And nightly with fervor I pray                              
That deep I will be,                                        
Engulfed completely                                         
In fish-scented pussy souffle.                              
                                                            
62145 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Randog                   



A beaver is quite an odd dish,                              
When it's absent there's times I do wish,                   
To fondle and finger,                                       
To let my tongue linger,                                    
Awash in a smell of ripe fish.                              
                                                            
62146 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Canadian Joe             



Awash in the juice of the tuna,                             
I revel and slobber and swoon-a.                            
I nip at the cheeses                                        
And savor the breezes                                       
And bob for the fruit of your poon-a.                       
                                                            
62147 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      H                        



In the gasthaus where I used to linger,                     
I once asked the barmaid, young Ingar,                      
"What's an anchovy, schatze?"                               
Said this bold little Nazi,                                 
"Dot's a fish dot smells just like a finger!"               
                                                            
62148 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                               



Colette, with pudendum so bushy,                            
Is frequently dripping and mushy.                           
On car seats and trains,                                    
She leaves hundreds of stains                               
With a smell reminiscent of sushi.                          
                                                            
62149 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH                               



An unwashed young girl from the Klondike,                   
Had a body that was worth quite a long hike.                
And her face wasn't bad,                                    
Yet she'd never been had,                                   
'Cause her cunt had a smell very cod-like.                  
                                                            
62150 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Stephen Cordwell         



He sniffed at the lovely Miss Gish,                         
And remarked, "It reminds me of fish...                     
By the size of your tail,                                   
It's probably a whale,                                      
And tainted whale tail ain't my dish."                      
                                                            
62151 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Grand Prix Lim  984      



In Pittsburg I once had a squeeze                           
With similar tastes, if you please.                         
But now she's a whore                                       
And her "mayo" tastes more                                  
Like fish sauce with Roquefort cheese.                      
                                                            
62152 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Anon                     



There once was this young man named Doug,                   
Who needed a big cunt to plug.                              
When he finally found her,                                  
It smelled like a flounder.                                 
So he strapped a gas-mask on his mug.                       
                                                            
62153 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Laurence Craft           



Ginger, a girl from Laguna,                                 
Wore a merkin all lined with vicuna.                        
But if you muzzle her quiff,                                
And take only one sniff,                                    
You'll find it still smells like a tuna.                    
                                                            
62154 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Little Richard           



A tuna went trolling for cunny,                             
He smelt one and found it too tunny.                        
He dreams of a bream,                                       
All covered with cream,                                     
With a cunny that smells more of honey.                     
                                                            
62155 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FISH      Jim Weaver Collection    



The midline convergence of thighs                           
Is often considered a prize.                                
But many men feel                                           
It loses appeal                                             
If it's an attraction for flies.                            
                                                            
62156 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES     Larry Davis         P8601



There once was a whore from Van Nuys                        
Who would spread her legs free for the guys.                
And people would stare                                      
At her black pubic hair,                                    
Till they found 'twasn't hair, it was flies.                
                                                            
62157 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES     Magunda                  



A Sydney man peeped 'twixt her thighs;                      
"Do I see her black panties?" he cries.                     
"No bottom is bare --                                       
Perhaps I see hair?"                                        
Alas, in Australia, it's flies.                             
                                                            
62158 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES     Ed Potts            P8802



There once was a girl from St. Helens,                      
Whose crotch was all rotten and smellin'.                   
She'd wipe off her thighs                                   
And shake her hands dry,                                    
But it kept the flies off of the melon.                     
                                                            
62159 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES                              



You must stink real bad, Christina!                         
But not as bad as my Justina;                               
The stuff from her twat                                     
Is much worse than rot;                                     
Kills flies born in the latrina.                            
                                                            
62160 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES     Edwin                    



In the grandstand a chick caught our eyes;                  
Short skirt!  Lace or hair 'tween the thighs?               
To check, I went up                                         
Close enough, and then "Yup",                               
I giggled:  "Aint either, just flies!"                      
                                                            
62161 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES                              



A redheaded lady named Lize                                 
Sat down and she parted her thighs.                         
When a man saw her crack,                                   
He exclaimed, "Why, it's black!"                            
But the color was due to the flies.                         
                                                            
62162 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2164



There was a young lady named Wise                           
Who claimed that her cunt was a prize.                      
And she fooled many men                                     
For they all came again,                                    
But she never, but never, fooled flies.                     
                                                            
62163 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES     Albin Chaplin   3024-2390



My Charlie is really is dish.                               
But you know what I often wish?                             
I wish he'd be kinder,                                      
Not pat my behinder,                                        
And tell folks I smell like a fish.                         
                                                            
62164 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES                              



I do not know why he does this.                             
He would do more than boo and hiss.                         
If I told you guys                                          
That he attracts flies,                                     
And sometimes he smells just like piss.                     
                                                            
62165 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES                              



They tell of a lass named Hunt,                             
Who had a most odorous cunt.                                
The smell 'tween her thighs                                 
Attracted roaches and flies,                                
And caused growth in children to stunt!                     
                                                            
62166 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FLIES     Jeeves                   



"As to rape," mused Joe Blow in Cell 9,                     
"I'll take any cunthole for mine:                           
Dogs, sheep, mares, or squirrels,                           
Or, if nothing else, girls--                                
As long as it stinks, man it's fine."                       
                                                            
62167 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          G0787



There was a young lady named Brewer                         
Who poxed all the men getting through her.                  
One whiff of her pratt                                      
Killed a bloody great rat,                                  
Who'd lived all his life in a sewer.                        
                                                            
62168 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          G1902



There was an old woman of Ghent                             
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.                       
She got fucked so often,                                    
At last she got rotten,                                     
And didn't she stink when she spent.                        
(Published 1870)                                            
62169 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          L0165



There was a free-loader named Schroeder                     
Who dated a girl and did load her                           
With the essence of brew --                                 
His intent was to screw,                                    
But he failed for she had a bad odor.                       
                                                            
62170 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-2281



A jealous old fellow of Corning,                            
Suspected his wife of suborning.                            
He said, "I small a rat."                                   
His wife answered "Drat!                                    
I will douche the first thing in the morning."              
                                                            
62171 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1710



A stoical fellow named Bud                                  
Was fucking a lady -- a dud.                                
And she had a bad smell,                                    
But he said, "What the hell,                                
It is better than pulling my pud."                          
                                                            
62172 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-0069



There once was a gal named Louise                           
Whose crotch smelled like limberger cheese.                 
But the very worst part                                     
Is when she would fart.                                     
She would burn down an acre of trees.                       
                                                            
62173 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Mike Dale                



While walking, a fellow named French                        
Was stopped on the street by a wench.                       
He said, "Come to my room,                                  
But bring some perfume --                                   
You need something to cover the stench."                    
                                                            
62174 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1519



A skanky old whore from Lake Placid                         
Had titties gangrenous and flacid.                          
When she spread her thighs,                                 
The smell would kill flies.                                 
It made your eyes burn just like acid.                      
                                                            
62175 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Gearhart           TP9807



I've has some pussy that stunk                              
Like someone ran over a skunk,                              
That fell in the creek,                                     
Where it laid for a week,                                   
Till the buzzards could not stand the funk.                 
                                                            
62176 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      MrMalo                   



There once was this beautiful Celt,                         
Who was relieved of her chastity belt.                      
Having worn it a month,                                     
Her big hairy cunt                                          
Appeared just as bad as it smelt!                           
                                                            
62177 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Laurence Craft           



A most careless young fellow named Scott,                   
After licking an ill-smelling twat,                         
Spewed his dinner and more                                  
On that whore's smelly bore.                                
'Twas a lesson he never forgot.                             
                                                            
62178 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Al Chaplin          P0304



I once knew a gal name of Kelly;                            
Her crotch was exceedingly smelly.                          
It broadcast so far                                         
When her legs were ajar,                                    
That the stench would come in on the telly!                 
                                                            
62179 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Mike Dale                



They tell of a lass named Regina,                           
Who said everything's fine in Carolina,                     
But when I got there,                                       
She was covered in hair,                                    
Except for her smelly vagina.                               
                                                            
62180 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young whore from New Delhi                      
Whose cunt was all black and smelly.                        
The stench of the come                                      
Rose up from her bum,                                       
And the crabs then played tag on her belly.                 
                                                            
62181 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      DMC                      



Wayne was the star of Wayne's World,                        
He met with a girl whose cunt curled                        
The nose-hairs of all                                       
Who had answered her call,                                  
But our Wayne didn't barf, but he hurled!                   
                                                            
62182 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a girl named Christine                       
Whose cunt smelled rather obscene.                          
The stench from her box                                     
Resembled gym socks,                                        
Until she douched with Mr. Clean.                           
                                                            
62183 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Jim Weaver Collection    



That happy old hooker, McFink,                              
Her pussy was rotten, I think.                              
She was fucked for an hour                                  
By Admiral Bower--                                          
That's all he could take of the stink.                      
                                                            
62184 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          G1825



To the fireman's ball at Fort Knox                          
Came a girl with a cunt like an ox.                         
It had such a bad smell,                                    
That they hosed it down well;                               
Then a garbageman reached for her box.                      
                                                            
62185 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-0509



A cautious old priest, Father Coombs,                       
Checked the cunt of a nun in the tombs.                     
When he sniffed at her chasm                                
He went into a spasm                                        
And died from the vaginal fumes.                            
                                                            
62186 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Phil Cannibal       P8907



Odette, nationality French,                                 
Would open her cunt with a wrench.                          
When once she forgot                                        
To bolt up her slot,                                        
She killed twenty men with the stench.                      
                                                            
62187 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          G0337



There once was a woman named Eve                            
Whose cunt stank like you wouldn't believe.                 
On some days the stench                                     
From this nasty-assed wench                                 
Would leave you like Christopher Reeve.                     
                                                            
62188 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Milkbone                 



A scientist studied aroma                                   
Of prostitutes from Oklahoma;                               
"Their worn underwear,"                                     
He said, "Smells like hair                                  
Of dogs nearing death in a coma."                           
                                                            
62189 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Travis Brasell           



A man saved old twats, if you please,                       
And he planted an acre of these.                            
They grew up soft and hairy,                                
Each one topped with a cherry,                              
And they all smelled like limburger cheese.                 
                                                            
62190 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-0582



"Taste this, I made it from scratch",                       
She said, as she finished the batch.                        
"Might I first be askin'                                    
What you have been scratchin'?                              
It smells look a dirty old snatch!"                         
                                                            
62191 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                               



There once was a young lass named Judah,                    
Liked fucking while reading Neruda.                         
I relish his verse,                                         
But her pussy's a curse,                                    
And reeks of malodorous Gouda.                              
                                                            
62192 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Tutta/Ogni               



Watch out!  It's malodorous Molly!                          
She's shopping alone with her trolley                       
Piled high with her douches                                 
And things that go splooshes;                               
She certainly needs them, by golly.                         
                                                            
62193 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Peter Wilkins            



I was eating a girl from Peoria,                            
But the smell of her snatch would just floor ya.            
I said, "Man, that's rank!"                                 
She said, "You can thank                                    
All those bastards who came here before ya!"                
                                                            
62194 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      MrMalo                   



Are you sure that is was she speaking?                      
If she was truly that reeking,                              
She might have been dead,                                   
When you had your head                                      
Down where the left-overs were leaking.                     
                                                            
62195 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Marlene Lewis            



A malodorous girl of Tahoma                                 
Had a twat with such fetid aroma,                           
That when Pierre went to lick it,                           
He fell in the thicket,                                     
And he never came out of the coma.                          
                                                            
62196 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1747



A young female boxer was Nell,                              
But her pussy was raunchy as hell.                          
She was always the victor                                   
Since no one had licked her,                                
For no one could get past the smell!                        
                                                            
62197 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1733



There was a young lady named Pelt,                          
Who wanted her genitals felt.                               
But no one was wont,                                        
To play with her cunt,                                      
Because of the way that it smelt.                           
                                                            
62198 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          G1589



No, thanks man, can't eat 'em too smelly.                   
One whiff, I'm turned off like a tellie.                    
I'd be heaving for days                                     
And inhaling breath sprays.                                 
Thanks, but I have a weak belly.                            
                                                            
62199 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                               



There was an old whore named McFink,                        
Whose pussy was rotten, I think.                            
She was fucked for an hour                                  
By Cardinal Bower,                                          
For that's all he could take of the stink.                  
                                                            
62200 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1730



A funky but cute fortune teller,                            
Was dating a weird sort of feller.                          
On a doctor's advice                                        
She was treated for lice,                                   
But you sure as hell don't want to smell 'er.               
                                                            
62201 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                               



Olfactory senses aside,                                     
He loved having sex with his bride,                         
But her vaginal smell                                       
Was an odor from hell,                                      
Thus his passion for eating her died.                       
                                                            
62202 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Cap'n Bean          P0106



A lady from Morningside Crescent                            
Could never make men acquiescent                            
To a lewd proposition,                                      
For they knew that coition                                  
Wasn't safe with a cunt so putrescent.                      
                                                            
62203 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          G1941



Stinking snatches have nothing on punks                     
Who fail to scrub least once a month.                       
They smell like the street                                  
After three weeks of heat,                                  
And scabs now fall off in large chunks.                     
                                                            
62204 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Squat                    



Cunnilinguists are eager to munch,                          
At that shrine that some call "The Box Lunch".              
Sometimes the aroma                                         
Induces a coma,                                             
Reminiscent of a ripe lox bunch.                            
                                                            
62205 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Bob Giandomenico         



There was a young fellow named Scotten,                     
Who figured that ass should be boughten.                    
But he soon changed his mind                                
At the time he did find,                                    
That the last one he bought was all rotten.                 
                                                            
62206 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1742



A bashful young girl from Podunk,                           
Her very first dance she did flunk.                         
With her soul full of hope,                                 
She had used the wrong soap,                                
And so simply sat there and stunk.                          
(hope for the soul or soap for the hole? - McW)             
62207 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin 3024  G0162



So smelly a lady was Gorth                                  
That for screwing, no man would come forth.                 
But a man got the best of her                               
As he stayed to the West of her,                            
While there blew a stiff breeze for the North.              
                                                            
62208 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-2880



There once was a girl named Dinah,                          
Who had a smelly vagina.                                    
It stunk and it reeked.                                     
When you fucked it, it squeaked:                            
"How do you like the vagina of mine-uh."                    
                                                            
62209 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      CASPIAN@GATE.NET         



A forthright young fellow named Rinky,                      
In a pussy inserted his pinkie.                             
Then his finger he sniffed,                                 
And he said, somewhat miffed,                               
"I don't fuck a quiff that is stinky."                      
                                                            
62210 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1741



There once was a girl named Michelle,                       
Whose crack had a horrible smell.                           
And when she did spread,                                    
The first thought in my head,                               
Was "WHEW! Yo quiero Taco Bell!!"                           
                                                            
62211 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                               



Sighed a cute little wench named Fanny,                     
"I've the teats and the ass and the fanny.                  
But the men that I seek,  (Plus the yen, but the men)       
Will take barely a peek.  (Only call now and then--)        
Could it be that I stink in my cranny?"                     
                                                            
62212 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Grand Prix Lim  445 G1525



There was a young stripling from Selma,                     
Who sucked off his mother, named Thelma.                    
"I never did dream                                          
A cunt held so much cream,                                  
But God! what a terrible smell, ma!                         
                                                            
62213 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL                          G0906



A lady by named of Delores                                  
Was possessed by a smelly clitoris.                         
When loving her there,                                      
Her lover would stare,                                      
Then go out and grab plenty Lavoris.                        
                                                            
62214 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Jeffrey Beeton           



A lonely old maid name of Kate                              
Had trouble in finding a date.                              
An old man who was stiff                                    
Took a sniff of her quiff,                                  
And said, "Kate, I'm afraid it's too late!"                 
                                                            
62215 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin   3024-1725



Her ass, claimed a lady named Clarabelle,                   
To the greatest of queens was comparable.                   
But a fellow named Bowerly                                  
Fucked her orally hourly,                                   
And stated the stench was unbearable.                       
                                                            
62216 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      Albin Chaplin 3024  G2296



This crew was taught by Miss Skelly,                        
Who's pussy was nasty and smelly.                           
A nasal butt plug                                           
Hid her odorous rug;                                        
Mosquito bites covered her belly.                           
                                                            
62217 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - FOUL      King Hilltop             



A beautiful woman from Kent                                 
Attracted the men with her scent,                           
For her pussy emitted                                       
A smell that transmitted                                    
Arousal, wherever she went.                                 
                                                            
62218 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Cap'n Bean          P9902



When Caesar was dating Miss Kelter,                         
His manner so chaming did melt her.                         
She disclosed what would please her:                        
To be conquered by Caesar --                                
But he came when he saw and he smelt her.                   
                                                            
62219 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2638



As he entered her muff for a dive,                          
He said, "It's on her pussy I thrive.                       
Her bush is real boss,                                      
You can use it to floss,                                    
And her quiff smells like Chanel No. 5.                     
                                                            
62220 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



You can always spot ladies whose kicks                      
Come from playing around with old pricks,                   
For naught can disguise                                     
The smell of their thighs--                                 
Not even Chanel Number Six!                                 
                                                            
62221 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Norm Storer              



Linda was one ugly beast;                                   
On her pussy her husband would feast.                       
There was nothing better                                    
Than to fill her with cheddar;                              
He loved the flavor and yeast.                              
                                                            
62222 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Jim Weaver Collection    



The scent of dear sweet little Betty                        
Is highly erotic and heady.                                 
All the boys say with grins                                 
As they wipe off their chins,                               
That it must come from Upper Black Eddy.    (PA)            
                                                            
62223 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Bob Giandomenico    P8805



The lady next door has invented                             
Some perfumes outrageously scented,                         
With essence of honey,                                      
And dripping wet cunny;                                     
It drives all the fellows demented.                         
                                                            
62224 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



There once was a girl, Brenda Murray,                       
Who drowned in a pit full of slurry.                        
Said Joe, "I suppose                                        
We could give her a hose,                                   
Then render her down for a curry.                           
                                                            
62225 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Peter Wilkins            



There once was a girl, Brenda Murray,                       
Whose snatch was exceedingly furry.                         
And home, if you please,                                    
To all manner of fleas,                                     
Though Brenda appeared not to worry.                        
                                                            
62226 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Thom Fitzpatrick         



After humping this girl, Ms Murray,                         
'Bout my nads, I'm beginning to worry.                      
She's a slut, I surmise,                                    
'Cause the spot 'twixt her thighs,                          
Seemed to smell faintly of curry.                           
                                                            
62227 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Thom Fitzpatrick         



There once was a girl named Dolores,                        
Who had quite a smelly clitoris.                            
The neighbors suggested,                                    
And Dolores invested                                        
In a douche made of minty Lavoris.                          
                                                            
62228 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



I once met a lass near Loch Moynt,                          
While washing down dust in a joint.                         
Then after a drench,                                        
I sniffed of her stench,                                    
And straight away came to me point.                         
                                                            
62229 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      D O'Grady                



When south of the border you wander,                        
I know that you'll be rather fonder                         
The moist fragrant air,                                     
That you'll find down there,                                
Be it redhead or brunette or blonder.                       
                                                            
62230 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Arden                    



O how lush are the scents of Khartoum!                      
And exotic, agreed? I presume;                              
But the best: native pussy,                                 
Sure's my name's Claude Debussy --                          
It perfumes a plump concubine's room.                       
                                                            
62231 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Armand Singer       P0106



Uncle Leon gave me this advice,                             
So take it, a word to the wise.                             
If the pussy smells good,                                   
(Better than it should)                                     
Chances are, what she's hiding ain't nice.                  
                                                            
62232 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Jason                    



A rose is a rose is a rose                                  
Or so's how that saying goes.                               
But if that sweet rose                                      
Takes all Toms, Dicks, and Joes,                            
It soon won't smell sweet to this nose.                     
                                                            
62233 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



A rose is a rose he reckons,                                
And Toms, Dicks and Joes she beckons.                       
But you seem quite staid                                    
From what you have said;                                    
Do you not like sloppy seconds?                             
                                                            
62234 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



A whiff of her natural scent,                               
Will stimulate many a gent.                                 
But waiting a month                                         
Before washing her cunth,                                   
Is only for those the most bent.                            
                                                            
62235 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



I heard Vicky's moans on the air,                           
And I turned to the east just to stare.                     
And the scent the wind brang                                
Had a delightful tang,                                      
And, Oh how I wished to be there!                           
                                                            
62236 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



This pretty pink meat doesn't smell                         
Like fish, so this thought please dispel.                   
She does take showers,                                      
It smells like flowers,                                     
Cause she used rose scented hair-gel.                       
                                                            
62237 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



I love the smell of fresh roses;                            
It always tickles my nose's                                 
Fancy just right,                                           
Each day and night,                                         
When you sit on my face striking poses!                     
                                                            
62238 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



I think she'll strike a nice pose,                          
Right there on the tip of my nose;                          
And give me a shot                                          
Of her flower pot,                                          
Then maybe I'll take off her clothes.                       
                                                            
62239 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



Fermenting, my pussy did stank                              
Of fish that's three-day-old rank.                          
Like shit attracts filies,                                  
'Twill draw in the guys                                     
When I want a dickhead to spank.                            
                                                            
62240 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Goin2                    



In Texas, I sniffed your strong essence;                    
Of poon, it's the tangy quintessence.                       
I know you'll feel pleasure                                 
From tongue on that treasure,                               
So grant me your keen acquiescence.                         
                                                            
62241 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Randog                   



Guys will line up to get a nice taste                       
Of that wet spot just south of your waist,                  
Which exudes the fine stink                                 
Of red snapper, (though pink),                              
Marianated in anchovy paste.                                
                                                            
62242 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Scott                    



So that you may savor the taste,                            
And not let a drop go to waste,                             
My pussy produces                                           
A sluice of fine juices,                                    
And also a flavorful paste.                                 
                                                            
62243 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Goin2                    



I'd happily drink from the rent                             
Where all those sweet juices ferment.                       
So spread your firm thighs,                                 
And close your bright eyes.                                 
You'll wriggle and moan 'til you're spent.                  
                                                            
62244 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      Randog                   



Randog, you'd drink from the well                           
Of this unhygienic young belle?                             
Then take ye this tip:                                      
Best wear a nose clip,                                      
'Cause many have died from the smell!                       
                                                            
62245 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE      SFA                      



A tuna fish salad for lunch,                                
On taco shells added for crunch,                            
Was more than just swell;                                   
The sight, taste and smell                                  
Brought thoughts of good times with Babs Bunch!             
                                                            
62246 SNATCHES - ODOROUS - NICE                               



Now her regular boyfriend has flown,                        
Leaving Pearl once again all alone.                         
She has taken to candles                                    
And door-knobs and handles                                  
To use in the absence of bone.                              
                                                            
62247 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Peter Wilkins            



Last week she was fired from her job,                       
By her restaurant manager Bob,                              
For a diner complained                                      
That his dinner contained                                   
Bits of candle and handle and knob.                         
                                                            
62248 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Peter Wilkins            



For twenty four hours a day,                                
Now she's stuffing it every which way.                      
Up her ass, up her cunt,                                    
Using instruments blunt,                                    
And much larger than marrows, I'd say.                      
                                                            
62249 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Peter Wilkins            



A carefree young playboy named Randall                      
Sure caused our small town's rankest scandal:               
Mumbling, "Jesus, why not,"                                 
He stuffed up his date's twat                               
A thirteen-inch still burning candle.                       
                                                            
62250 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Armand Singer       P0402



I was so enamoured with Randall                             
That I let him insert a big candle.                         
But then came the match                                     
Which burned up my snatch.                                  
I guess now I'm too hot to handle!                          
                                                            
62251 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                      



Sir Tristram on leave found his lustiness                   
Enhanced by a soupcon of mustiness;                         
A chastity belt                                             
Made of copper and felt                                     
Gave his lady the requisite crustiness.                     
                                                            
62252 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Peter Wilkins            



Sir Tristam, aroused by the trustiness                      
Of his lady, embarked on the thrustiness                    
Of his lance in the slit,                                   
But he soon had to quit,                                    
When he choked on the waft of her dustiness.                
                                                            
62253 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Travis Brasell           



I'll warn you here, lads, about Jane,                       
An expert in smuggling cocaine.                             
Don't give her a shag,                                      
For that 10 kilo bag                                        
Of crack in her crack will cause pain.                      
                                                            
62254 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                      



A naughty old lady of Spain                                 
Decided she'd have to abstain.                              
But plugging the entry                                      
That favored the gentry,                                    
Excited the lady again.                                     
                                                            
62255 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Jim Weaver Collection    



A lecherous whore from Swoboda                              
Amused all the men who bestrode her.                        
She had put in her cunny                                    
Some turds from a bunny.                                    
And she foamed like a chocolate soda.                       
                                                            
62256 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                 G2525



There was a young lady from Kent                            
Who would wait 'til her lover had spent,                    
And then plug up her hole                                   
With a large piece of coal,                                 
Leaving all of his jizz to ferment.                         
                                                            
62257 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                      



She'd shove in some yeast and some water,                   
And jump up and down at a quarter                           
To five every day,                                          
To make beer (she would say),                               
Which she'd bottle and sell as coal porter.                 
                                                            
62258 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                      



Frank roams through the streets of New York                 
And finds him old spinsters to port.                        
Then after he comes,                                        
He whistles or hums                                         
While plugging their cunts with a cork.                     
                                                            
62259 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Peter Wilkins            



There once was a golfer named Satch,                        
Whose tee-shot went wide in a match.                        
It bounced in the crowd,                                    
And a girl screamed aloud,                                  
"That damn thing went right up my snatch!"                  
                                                            
62260 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                      



A cutie, she played mandolin,                               
But she thought that sex was a sin.                         
To save her pure soul,                                      
She filled up the hole;                                     
No fucks nor ass hole to come in.                           
                                                            
62261 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Tom Myers                



There once was a chick named Nicole,                        
Who loved to ingest a stiff pole.                           
It was always well known                                    
She'd use steel, wood, or bone,                             
Or maybe a horn in that hole.                               
                                                            
62262 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Jim Weaver Collection    



The lovers of young Mrs. Ray                                
Used her front door all during the day.                     
But a perverted old doctor                                  
Sewed her up as he cocked her,                              
And now they come in the back way.                          
                                                            
62263 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                 G1037



There once was a woman named Stickle,                       
Whose husband had thought her quite fickle.                 
Seems she couldn't decide,                                  
What to stick up inside;                                    
His peter, a dildo or pickle.                               
                                                            
62264 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Bob Birch           P0107



Some people are luckier than me.                            
The last time I was on my knees                             
A ping-pong ball shot                                       
Down my throat and could not                                
Be removed without large surgeon's fees.                    
                                                            
62265 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Mike Dale                



It must have been quite a scare!                            
From now on, you'd better beware.                           
Next time you kneel,                                        
First you better feel                                       
And be sure nothing's hidden up there!                      
                                                            
62266 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Kaylin                   



The good advice I have took,                                
And added to my sex technique book.                         
Under "Warnings" and stuff                                  
About eating good muff;                                     
"Make sure, before licking, to look!"                       
                                                            
62267 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Mike Dale                



When you're kneeling in front of your chick,                
And your mouth's salivating for clit,                       
First a probe with your tongue...                           
Oh my God! I've just come!                                  
I'll return when I've cleaned up a bit.                     
                                                            
62268 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Mike Dale                



There was a young maiden of Perth,                          
Whose vagina was sewed up at birth.                         
All because her fond mother                                 
Feared some man or other                                    
Would carnally alter her girth.                             
                                                            
62269 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                 G1590



There once was an athletic young runt;                      
While at bat, she squared up to bunt.                       
Misjudging the swerve                                       
Of a wicked curve,                                          
The ball buried itself in her cunt.                         
                                                            
62270 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Puff Adder               



A girl is a much trickier matter,                           
Unless she is mad as a hatter.                              
If she kept in the cath-                                    
eter taking a bath,                                         
She'd take in the bath and get fatter.                      
                                                            
62271 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Jim Weaver Collection    



A lawyer acquaintance of mine                               
Subpoenaed his girl, as a 'line'.                           
That cute little Venus                                      
Would stuff his 'sub-penis'                                 
In places where sun doesn't shine!                          
                                                            
62272 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Jemstone                 



An obstreperous old joker named Wills                       
Gave unwary girls nervous chills                            
To the point of hysteria,                                   
When their underbrush area,                                 
He stuffed full of ten dollar bills!                        
                                                            
62273 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Grand Prix Lim  615      



Could Wendy be one and the same                             
Young lady who danced over a flame,                         
And during the stunt                                        
Her ass and her cunt                                        
Was welded shut?  Damn, what a shame!                       
                                                            
62274 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                      



For six bits I'll sell you a cane;                          
It's good if you have a backsprain.                         
I did use it once                                           
In two old whore's cunts,                                   
But you will not notice the stain.                          
                                                            
62275 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Travis Brasell           



Said the dirty old man, "I must shave ya,                   
The better to ogle your labia                               
So pretty and pink --"                                      
She said, "T'aint what you think --                         
That's my used bubblegum, you old knave, ya..."             
                                                            
62276 SNATCHES - PLUGGED             Robin K. Willoughby P8601



There once was a girl from Belize                           
Who could put fruit up her cunt with ease.                  
If you're drinking some tea                                 
When she has to pee,                                        
Just ask "Some lemon juice, please."                        
                                                            
62277 SNATCHES - PLUGGED                                      



Here's Simon, born age 34...                                
How come?  Well his mom was a whore.                        
And each time he'd stick                                    
His head out, some prick                                    
Would hit it and close off the door.                        
                                                            
62278 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Tiddy                    



His ma never harked to his cries,                           
Each time he got spunk in his eyes.                         
She'd just pat her cunt,                                    
Yelling "Suck it, you runt!                                 
And then I could charge twice the price!"                   
                                                            
62279 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Tiddy                    



Each time now he goes to the loo,                           
His bladder is filled with thick goo.                       
He has trouble with pissing,                                
So folks hear him hissing --                                
That damn stuff keeps sticking like glue.                   
                                                            
62280 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Dirruk                   



An old whore once boasted she'd take three,                 
And all for a nominal fee.                                  
She opened her twat;                                        
I shoved in my cat,                                         
My dog, then my hamster, then me.                           
                                                            
62281 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    SFA                      



I know a couple, Jean and Peter;                            
He tried but he just couldn't eat her,                      
For out of her gash,                                        
Furry chipmonks would dash;                                 
They thought that her cunt was a cedar.                     
                                                            
62282 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Dr Limerick  12-11-95    



A vicious young lady named Ida                              
Loved feeding her pet beasts inside her.                    
The result of this whim                                     
Was one broken-down quim,                                   
Three pups, and a circumcised spider.                       
                                                            
62283 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                        G1256



There once was a sea captain's bride                        
Who fell in the bay at low tide.                            
You could tell from her squeals                             
That the salt water eels                                    
Had found a new dark place to hide.                         
                                                            
62284 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Dads Dirt                



Selena lured sexy banditos                                  
By filling her chookie with Fritos.                         
She frowned when they said                                  
She could only give head,                                   
'Cause they couldn't get past the mosquitos.                
                                                            
62285 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                             



An Irish colleen named Bryannon                             
Was fired from the mouth of a cannon.                       
I bet you a Punt,                                           
She'll get fish in her cunt,                                
When she lands on the banks of the Shannon.                 
                                                            
62286 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                             



A woman who hailed from Ely,                                
Got really incensed with a fly.                             
It flew straight up her twat,                               
So she gave it a swat                                       
And to that fly, 'twas sadly "Bye bye!"                     
                                                            
62287 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Michelle                 



A suitor that come from Mt Decker,                          
He set as his sex goal to check her.                        
His night full of lust                                      
And sex was a bust,                                         
As her cunt already had a pecker.  (wood that is)           
                                                            
62288 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Kristen                  



She's done magic tricks now, for years.                     
Her specialty usually brings cheers.                        
From top hat a bunny?                                       
No, coney from cunny;                                       
She pulls brer hare out by the ears.                        
                                                            
62289 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Tiddy                    



A cautious young girl of Khartoum                           
Always kept a large frog in her womb.                       
She said, "I'd be wild                                      
If I did have a child,                                      
And this way, there just isn't room."                       
(godamn Frenchmen are everywhere - McW)                     
62290 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                        G1674



A magician named Hillary Hunt                               
Had a trick that she did with her cunt;                     
She would insert a glove                                    
Then pull out a live dove --                                
Now wasn't that truly a stunt!                              
                                                            
62291 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Cap'n Bean          P9809



A whore who abhors sex that's runny,                        
Just keeps a live rat in her cunny.                         
Her pet is well fed                                         
Each time her legs spread,                                  
And now is as big as a bunny.                               
                                                            
62292 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Anon                     



The rat though, with utter precision,                       
Is perfectly trained for its mission.                       
For five extra bucks,                                       
Each fellow she fucks                                       
Will get a complete circumcision.                           
                                                            
62293 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Anon                     



There was a young lady named Prim                           
Who kept a dead cat up her quim.                            
The meat of her pussy                                       
Was constantly juicy,                                       
But no one could push past the rim.                         
                                                            
62294 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                        G2461



There was an old man of Lapeer                              
Who fucked an old whore from the rear.                      
It squeezed on her sprat,                                   
When out jumped a rat,                                      
Which had lived in her snatch for a year.                   
                                                            
62295 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Albin Chaplin   3024-2893



A slushy swamp girl, Chloe Cloggs,                          
Went wading one day in the bogs.                            
Imagine her fright...                                       
She discovered that night                                   
Her trap full of live pollywogs!                            
                                                            
62296 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Grand Prix Lim   37      



A lady who came from Peru                                   
Was proud of the magic she knew.                            
After having a fuck,                                        
From her cunt she would pluck                               
Several geese and a rabbit or two!                          
                                                            
62297 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Albin Chaplin   3024-0575



A practical joker named Jake                                
(For humor he sure takes the cake),                         
To con some poor fool,                                      
Instead of his tool,                                        
Inserted a live rattlesnake.                                
(see Charlotte the Harlot, the Cowpunchers Whore - McW)     
62298 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Armand E Singer       315



There was a young girl of Samoa,                            
Who plugged up her cunt with a boa.                         
This strange contraceptive                                  
Was very deceptive                                          
To all but the spermatozoa.                                 
                                                            
62299 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                        L0977



A female magician's best stunt                              
Was all her specatators could want.                         
She could reach down and snare                              
A spectacular hare,                                         
From her perfectly clean-shaven cunt!                       
                                                            
62300 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Punchenello              



Anne just couldn't get off her rocks.                       
She tried stuffing her thumb in her box;                    
She tried carrots, a marrow,                                
And a half-decayed sparrow --                               
Why, she even tried cream cheese and lox!                   
                                                            
62301 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Anon                     



If you should go out with young Mary,                       
Take very great care lads, be wary.                         
If you try to feck her,                                     
She's got her own pecker;                                   
She's up her cunt stuffed a canary.                         
                                                            
62302 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                             



And should that canary go sniff,                            
And fall off its perch awful stiff,                         
With legs in the air,                                       
Then you'd better beware                                    
Of young Mary's obnoxious whiff.                            
                                                            
62303 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                             



Way down in the depths of Louisa's                          
Sweet pussy live three tiny geezers;                        
Rewarding their teasing                                     
Exceedingly pleasing,                                       
She gives them wee hand-jobs with tweezers.                 
                                                            
62304 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                             



There was a young girl from Edina,                          
Shoved avians up her vagina.                                
As much as she pleased,                                     
'Til one day, she sneezed --                                
Out popped three toucans and a mynah!                       
                                                            
62305 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Anon                     



A harlot who came from Peru                                 
Knew magical tricks, one or two.                            
She would make it her habit                                 
To pluck out a large rabbit,                                
When the last of her patrons were through.                  
                                                            
62306 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL    Albin Chaplin            



In her travels, a lady named Dinah                          
Harbored several white mice in her vagina.                  
When asked for her reason,                                  
She quipped, "They're in season,                            
And men like to eat them in China."                         
                                                            
62307 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - ANIMAL                        G1223



"The Lost Chord", a popular ballad                          
Of the British elite in those salad                         
Days of Victoria's                                          
Reign, Oh so glorious,                                      
Has ne'er before suffered such malad-y.                     
                                                            
62308 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH                              



While playing one day with my organ,                        
That randy young slut, Tracy Morgan,                        
Said, "Come put it in                                       
To my nice juicy quim;                                      
You're bigger than my boyfriend, Jorgen."                   
                                                            
62309 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Tiddy Ogg                



So straight away I climbed aboard,                          
And to heights of pleasure we soared;                       
But when I took my pole                                     
Out of love's glory-hole,                                   
Attached was a thin piece of cord.                          
                                                            
62310 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Tiddy Ogg                



"When young," she said and she frowned,                     
"A tampon went in, wrong way 'round.                        
When I got the thing,                                       
It was missing its string,                                  
So at last, the lost cord I've found.                       
                                                            
62311 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Tiddy Ogg                



A straightforward matron of Stow                            
Was distressed by her kinky old beau,                       
And bunged up each channel                                  
With wads of thick flannel,                                 
Saying, "Now he has nowhere to go!"                         
                                                            
62312 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Hugh Oliver         A095C



When they probed a young woman named Kannel,                
Who complained she felt choked in her channel,              
They found shoehorns and spoons,                            
Twelve busted balloons,                                     
And twenty-two yards of red flannel.                        
                                                            
62313 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH                         G2149



A menstruating bitch called greer,                          
Had a cunt that stunk like a queer.                         
The problem she had                                         
Was an old jammy-pad                                        
That had been stuck in her twat for a year.                 
                                                            
62314 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young girl from the Cape,                       
Filled her hole with bicycle tape                           
To ease up the pangs                                        
Caused by the whangs                                        
Of gentlemen bent upon rape.                                
                                                            
62315 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH                         L0817



There were three young ladies of Fetters,                   
Who annoyed all their elders and betters,                   
By stuffing their cockholders                               
With proxies for stockholders,                              
Old bills, and anonymous letters.                           
                                                            
62316 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH                         L1271



A frantic young bridegroom named Fowle                      
Scrutinized his bride's cunt with a scowl.                  
And he growled, "Wait a minute!                             
Now, how can I plug in it,                                  
Unless you first pull out that towel?"                      
                                                            
62317 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH                         G0073



Before bedding the amorous Stella,                          
Sam was asked by her previous fella,                        
"At the time of insertion,                                  
If it's no great exertion,                                  
Would you try to retrieve my umbrella?"                     
                                                            
62318 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



A girl in New York named Miss Grace,                        
Lined her pussy with satins and lace.                       
"If you must eat in style,"                                 
She said with a smile,                                      
"I maintain a most elegant place."                          
                                                            
62319 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     John Miller              



An old maid who had a pet ape,                              
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.                            
His red, hairy phallus                                      
So filled her with malice,                                  
She sealed up her snatch with Scotch Tape.                  
                                                            
62320 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH                         G1526



For money (and something to clamp on)                       
Young Suzi inserted a tampon.                               
She diddled her cunt                                        
Till she came with a grunt.                                 
And then sold it still fresh with her damp on.              
                                                            
62321 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Peter Wilkins            



There was an old woman from Groton                          
Who stuffed her stretched sink hole with cotton;            
I'll admit that in truth                                    
It restored her lost youth,                                 
But fooling her husband was rotten.                         
                                                            
62322 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Armand E Singer       956



Let girls who would virgins remain,                         
And thereby drive boyfriends insane,                        
Transplant to their box                                     
Some Velcro that locks,                                     
No matter how hard they may strain.                         
                                                            
62323 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - CLOTH     Irving Superior     P9503



There was a young girl from New York,                       
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.                        
A woodpecker or two                                         
Made the grade, it is true,                                 
But it totally baffled the stork.                           
                                                            
62324 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                         L0330



Till along came a man who presented                         
A tool that was strangely indented.                         
With a dizzying twirl                                       
He punctured that girl,                                     
And this was the cork-screw invented.                       
                                                            
62325 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                         L0331



A flexible maiden from Thrace                               
Made use of her secret moist place...                       
She stood on her head,                                      
Her legs widely spread,                                     
And use her slim quim as a vase.                            
                                                            
62326 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     OgniGioia                



The florists in nearby Corfu,                               
Sent hundreds of kind billets-doux.                         
They like it so much,                                       
The labial touch,                                           
As her maidenhair played peekaboo.                          
                                                            
62327 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     OgniGioia                



There was a young whore of New York                         
Who put herself quite out of work,                          
When, disgruntled with men,                                 
She cried "Never again!"                                    
And bunged herself up with a cork.                          
                                                            
62328 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Keith MacMillan       62a



I thought that you already knew,                            
If Nanette you just happen to screw,                        
The wet leaves and damp grass                               
In the crack of her ass                                     
Might cause her sweet crotch to mildew!                     
                                                            
62329 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Bob Birch                



There was a young lady of York,                             
Who plugged herself up with a cork.                         
She explained, "It's more svelte,                           
Than a chastity belt,                                       
And is quickly removed with a fork.                         
                                                            
62330 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                              



There lives a young girl in New York,                       
Who is cautious, from fear of the stork.                    
You will find she is taped,                                 
To prevent being raped,                                     
And her asshole is plugged with a cork.                     
                                                            
62331 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                         L0881



A lecherous lady from Leeds                                 
Has a new way to handle her needs:                          
She'll insert in her twat                                   
A dried-up cumquat,                                         
And tickle herself with the seeds.                          
                                                            
62332 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Norm Storer              



"I hate getting presents from Clyde,"                       
The brunette to the blonde would confide.                   
"When he brings me flowers                                  
I have to spend hours                                       
On my back, my legs open wide."                             
                                                            
62333 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                              



The blonde had a shocked look on her face,                  
while this echoed in her cranial space.                     
Finally she asked her,                                      
"If that's such a disaster,                                 
Why on earth don't you purchase a vase?"                    
                                                            
62334 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                              



At a party one evening in June                              
They were playing a game, Hide the Prune.                   
It was hidden by Claire                                     
But nobody knew where,                                      
Till her pussy was kissed by a coon.                        
                                                            
62335 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Albin Chaplin   3024-0835



I once knew a girl, Marilynn                                
Who sealed her twat with a clothespin.                      
When asked what's that for,                                 
She'd say closing the door                                  
Prevents any pricks coming in.                              
                                                            
62336 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Dirruk                   



In Idaho, Betty used taters,                                
Along with a fried green tomater,                           
To lure the farm hand;                                      
Stuffed these in her gland;                                 
It worked.  So he up 'n he ate her.                         
                                                            
62337 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                              



A young council worker named Smith,                         
Ate a tangerine which had some pith.                        
He peeled it with a machete,                                
Gave some to Aunt Betty,                                    
Who stuffed some of it up her quiff.                        
                                                            
62338 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Anon                     



There is a sad Sue in New York                              
Who is hourly awaiting the stork...                         
She wishes to state                                         
Than on her next date                                       
She will definitely wear a tight cork!                      
                                                            
62339 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Grand Prix Lim   55      



There was a young man from Savannah                         
Who fucked a woman called Anna.                             
She rimmed her clit,                                        
Like a banana split,                                        
And filled her cunt with a banana                           
                                                            
62340 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young maid called Yvette,                       
Who was making a fine crepe suzette.                        
While chopping the fruit,                                   
In her birthday suit,                                       
'Tween her legs 'twas a long courgette!                     
(small fish-holding gourd)                                  
62341 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                              



There was a young lady called Bunty,                        
Who went for a ride in a punt. She                          
Got caught on the pole --                                   
At the back -- her arsehole;                                
And then at the front on her cunty.                         
                                                            
62342 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA                              



A horny young girl, Debbie King                             
Put carrots way up in her thing.                            
Then lettuce and cukes,                                     
And tommy toes, too,                                        
So her husband ate salad till spring!                       
                                                            
62343 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Jim Weaver Collection    



Now some say this is quite kinky,                           
But there's a girl in East Helsinki                         
Who hides in her room,                                      
(I don't know with whom)                                    
And does a strange thing with a Twinkie.                    
                                                            
62344 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Al Willis           P9809



A Yankee girl outside of Derry                              
Surprised me and offered her cherry.                        
The thing that I found                                      
Did cause me astound;                                       
In her crack was a huge dingleberry.                        
                                                            
62345 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Irving Schlobotkovitz    



They plied her with diamonds and rubies.                    
They longed to caress her fine boobies.                     
But she was quite pure;                                     
Her manner demure,                                          
And lichens grew out of her pubes.                          
                                                            
62346 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Larry Davis         P8601



The blonde gal was really a Tex;                            
She'd a rose that was really a hex.                         
She did have it stuck                                       
In the place where you fuck,                                
But removed it before having sex.                           
                                                            
62347 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     Frank Fazed              



The blonde girl from Texas would pose                       
Wearing naught but a big yellow rose.                       
When asked why this habit,                                  
She replied, "Well dag-nabbit!                              
Because it's the state flower, I suppose."                  
                                                            
62348 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - FLORA     MrMalo                   



There was a young girl of East Lynne,                       
Whose mother, to keep her from sin,                         
Had filled up her crack,                                    
To the brim with shellac,                                   
But the boys picked it out with a pin.                      
                                                            
62349 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE                          L0831



There was a young lady named Bruce,                         
Who captured her man by a ruse.                             
She fill up her fuselage                                    
With a good grade of mucilage,                              
And he never could pry himself loose.                       
                                                            
62350 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE                          L1381



There was a young harlot named Roxie                        
Who filled up her box with epoxy.                           
She said, somewhat pensive,                                 
"They'll find it expensive                                  
To pay ransom to get back their jock, see."                 
                                                            
62351 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Arthur Deex         P9011



I don't mean to sound quite so smutty,                      
But there once was a girl who was slutty.                   
So she wouldn't roam,                                       
Her dad kept her at home,                                   
And packed her vagina with putty.                           
                                                            
62352 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE                               



This arts and crafts project is gookie;                     
The paste is just everywhere - lookie!                      
Cleaning glue off my blouse,                                
Wiped my chest; was aroused,                                
And my fingers got stuck to my chookie.                     
                                                            
62353 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE                               



Young men pursued her with such haste,                      
That she filled her vagina with paste.                      
Her reasoning ran,                                          
"I'll hold onto a man,                                      
Or else I'd be better off chaste."                          
                                                            
62354 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE                          G1628



A not-too-bright girl from Biloxi                           
Once douched with a tube of epoxy;                          
Frustrating the entry                                       
Of neighborhood gentry                                      
Who then used her rear as a proxy.                          
                                                            
62355 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Bob Giandomenico    P9003



An excitable lady called Donner                             
Got wed to an expert embalmer.                              
He filled up her cracks                                     
With resin and wax,                                         
Attempting to soothe and to calm her.                       
                                                            
62356 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Prof                     



There was a young lady of Crewe,                            
Whose cherry a chap had got through,                        
Which she told to her mother                                
Who fixed her another                                       
Out of rubber and red ink and glue.                         
                                                            
62357 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE                          L0823



"Oh Doctor," cried Widow VanGelder,                         
"My pussy's too loose!" then she held her                   
Old legs wide apart.                                        
Said the Doc, with a start,                                 
"Go see my friend, Joe...he's a welder."                    
                                                            
62358 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Travis Brasell           



Reminds me of old Mrs Goole,                                
Though she was too tight, as a rule.                        
We'd open her up                                            
Twice a week for a tup                                      
With an oxyacetylene tool.                                  
                                                            
62359 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Peter Wilkins            



What!  Old Maggie Goole?  That old hag?                     
The old iron foundryman's bag?                              
Her cunt had a stench,                                      
Laid out on the bench;                                      
She's that thing they call welding slag.                    
                                                            
62360 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Tiddy Ogg                



All tight-twatted gals in Australia                         
Get treatment from Doctor Mahalia,                          
Who stretches their cunts                                   
With ropes, hooks and shunts,                               
And other great paraphernalia.                              
                                                            
62361 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Travis Brasell           



There once was a young girl from Nantucket,                 
Whose pussy was loose, so she stuck it                      
In Travis's vice,                                           
(Thought a splice'd suffice)                                
But now she's glued shut -- he can't fuck it.               
                                                            
62362 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Nurse Doves              



A twat that's glued shut 'cause it's cheesy                 
Ain't never for me been that easy                           
To open , unless                                            
A pry bar, with stress,                                     
Is used and my hands ain't too greasy.                      
                                                            
62363 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Travis Brasell           



A virgin outside Waterloo                                   
Was determined to stay that way too.                        
She armored her tail                                        
With a sixteen inch nail                                    
And sealed her vagina with glue.                            
                                                            
62364 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Hugh Oliver           66b



While we're on the topic and talking,                       
There's the woman who had trouble walking.                  
You could tell by her stride                                
She had something inside;                                   
No doubt the remains of her caulking.                       
                                                            
62365 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE                               



There was a young fellow named Scott                        
Who failed to get in his girl's slot.                       
So he said to her, "Dear,                                   
Let's try one in your ear,                                  
For there's far too much wax in your twat."                 
                                                            
62366 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Albin Chaplin   3024-0754



There once was a woman named Lu                             
Who filled her vagina with glue;                            
It rendered her cunt                                        
An impossible stunt,                                        
As it left her unable to screw.                             
                                                            
62367 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - GLUE      Cap'n Bean          P0011



I'm not sure if this is a come hole;                        
It might be the young ladies' bung hole.                    
I'll take a chance                                          
And put in my lance.                                        
Hey hey hey, it sure is a fun hole.                         
                                                            
62368 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT                               



There was a young lady named Willet                         
Whose cunt was as big as a skillet.                         
It took four pounds of ham,                                 
And a large leg of lamb,                                    
And a length of baloney to fill it.                         
                                                            
62369 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Albin Chaplin   3024-0780



If her bod makes you hot when you clock it,                 
And your pulse rate goes up like a rocket,                  
Then love's spark has hit                                   
And you just want to fit                                    
Your plug in her favourite socket.                          
                                                            
62370 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      SFA                      



With his finger, the able instructor                        
Directed a maid to conduct her                              
To arrive home direct,                                      
But the route was suspect,                                  
For the finger was fickle and fucked her.                   
                                                            
62371 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Albin Chaplin   3024-0213



Monica's nice bearded clam                                  
Got itself into one nasty jam.                              
While sitting at dinner                                     
Guess what fell in her?                                     
My fingers and a chunk of spam.                             
                                                            
62372 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Jim Weaver Collection    



A busy street walker, forgive her,                          
Whose body was found by the river.                          
The autopsy revealed                                        
Her pussy was sealed,                                       
By a callous the size of her liver.                         
                                                            
62373 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Tom Patton          P9806



The lady contortionist died                                 
When one day she foolishly tried                            
A difficult stunt                                           
With her head up her cunt,                                  
And her nose caught on something inside.                    
                                                            
62374 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT                               



Since men all complained that they swam in her,             
A girl asked the doc to examine her.                        
So he fucked her that night                                 
But he found she was tight                                  
For the butcher had left a prime ham in her.                
                                                            
62375 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Albin Chaplin   3024-0626



There was a young hooker named Sue,                         
Who could shoot out some two cups of goo.                   
She could douche herself out                                
With an old fire truck spout,                               
And the chunks that came out, looked like stew.             
                                                            
62376 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Anthony Rose             



A sordid old whore from Lapeer                              
Was fucked in the ass from the rear,                        
And her pussy smelled sweeter                               
For there issued a peter                                    
Which had lodged in her crotch for a year.                  
                                                            
62377 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Albin Chaplin   3024-0932



I went to fuck harlots at Kew,                              
But was forced to wait in a queue.                          
I spied out the trouble,                                    
Some dick was bent double,                                  
And prying it out with a cue.                               
                                                            
62378 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Jim Weaver Collection    



An innocent maiden, Miss Singer,                            
Whose teacher in swimming would swing 'er,                  
After twenty-five lessons                                   
Did question his presence:                                  
"Will I sink if you pull out your finger?"                  
                                                            
62379 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Michael Weinstein   P8606



By chance, a young lady named Black                         
Was born with a tongue in her crack,                        
Which left Pierre so distraught                             
For he often licked twat,                                   
But he never had one lick him back.                         
                                                            
62380 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Albin Chaplin   3024-0790



A perverted young fellow named Nick                         
Had a very magical trick:                                   
He stuck in his tongue,                                     
And both of his thumbs,                                     
At the same time, he stuck in his dick!                     
                                                            
62381 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Sonny              TP9802



In the cunt of a lady named Grace                           
By some freak, there a tongue grew in place.                
A lad spread out her thicket                                
And he got down to lick it,                                 
But the cunt licked him first in the face.                  
                                                            
62382 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Albin Chaplin   3024-0817



A cautious Oahu wahini                                      
Keeps her business filled up with a weenie.                 
She opines, "I'm no fool...                                 
If it ain't full of tool,                                   
It is likely to shrink and get teeny!"                      
                                                            
62383 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Grand Prix Lim   38      



The pin-headed Vermin-el-Sed,                               
Whose drooping equipment is dead,                           
Gets his pleasures of nights                                
And gives houris delights                                   
By inserting his bald, pointed head.                        
                                                            
62384 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Grand Prix Lim  855      



Good grief! Now the weather's turned hot;                   
It's got steamy, much darker and -- what                    
Did you say to me Jan?                                      
"I said fuck's sake young man;                              
Get yer head out; it's stuck up my twat."                   
                                                            
62385 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT                               



When Jon works his way to the hole,                         
He'll find it is plugged with Trav's pole.                  
A menage a trois?                                           
Carol's big coup de grace?                                  
A surplus of meat is her goal.                              
                                                            
62386 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MEAT      Randog                   



A neurotic young maid from Gillette                         
Thought her boyfriend a bit of a threat;                    
So she stuffed her desire                                   
With a coil of barbed wire                                  
And he hasn't got through to her yet.                       
                                                            
62387 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Hugh Oliver         A126B



A spy named Sophia got caught,                              
And was taken away to be shot!                              
She stared with wide eyes                                   
At the gun's immense size,                                  
Then moaned as it throbbed in her twat!                     
                                                            
62388 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Lims For Year - 01       



Sophia considered it odd                                    
Getting blown away with a wad,                              
But was thrilled that the dong                              
Was as thick and as long,                                   
On each man in the firing squad!                            
                                                            
62389 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Lims For Year - 01       



A charmer from old Amarillo,                                
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,                
Decided one day                                             
That to keep men away,                                      
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.                 
                                                            
62390 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Ray A Billington   G2241 



In Pentatette (not for eyes papal)                          
There appeared a nude shot of Miss Maple.                   
I bent quickly to lick                                      
That centerfold slick                                       
But my tongue was ripped up by the staple.                  
                                                            
62391 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Al Chaplin          P8701



In customs, returning Joe Gotch                             
Smuggled in quite a valuable watch.                         
The searched all his effects                                
But forgot his wife's sex,                                  
For there ticked the watch in her crotch.                   
                                                            
62392 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Grand Prix Lim  429      



There was an odd princess named Pickles                     
Who loaded her cavern with nickles...                       
She smirked, "I'm a Queen...                                
I'm a vending machine...                                    
With my box full of nickels, it tickles!"                   
                                                            
62393 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Grand Prix Lim  570      



An oversexed woman named Jade                               
Spread her legs to insert a grenade.                        
In an endless orgasm,                                       
Her cunt was in spasm,                                      
When found the next day in Belgrade.                        
                                                            
62394 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Lims For Year - 01       



A randy WAC sergeant named Flynn                            
Shoved a hand grenade all the way in.                       
Flaming bits of her cunt                                    
Killed two Krauts at the front,                             
While her garter belt fell on Berlin.                       
                                                            
62395 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Lims For Year - 01       



The tune that she played was just fair,                     
But with legs sticking up in the air,                       
The harmonica's stuck                                       
In the place made to fuck,                                  
And entangled in long pubic hair.                           
                                                            
62396 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL                              



There was a young lady from Kew                             
Whom the men all delighted to screw.                        
She had stuffed up her scrotch                              
The works of a watch--                                      
When they fucked her, my God! how time flew!                
                                                            
62397 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL                         G2383



The old miner inserted a funnel                             
In the cunt of a whore named Miss Brunnel.                  
Then he shouted with glee                                   
And he said, "I can see;                                    
There's a light at the end of the tunnel!"                  
                                                            
62398 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Albin Chaplin   3024-1521



She rarely has time for my meat;                            
With servants I have to compete.                            
One day from her fuzz                                       
There came a loud buzz,                                     
And mowing her lawn I found Pete.                           
                                                            
62399 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     SFA                      



Since ladies are learning to hack,                          
I'll mention advice from the FAQ                            
That was written by phreaks                                 
Regarding techniques:                                       
"Don't put dongles inside of your crack."                   
                                                            
62400 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL                              



If one doesn't mind painful scratches,                      
Quite useful are stainless steel latches,                   
That anchor securely                                        
One acting impurely                                         
With greasy and fat bitches' snatches.                      
                                                            
62401 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Travis Brasell           



Affixed to the skin, they're disgusting,                    
These latches, but there'll be no rusting.                  
And while they're appalling,                                
They'll keep one from falling                               
Inside such a snatch one is thrusting.                      
                                                            
62402 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Travis Brasell           



Complete with one's name gold-embossed,                     
These latches are worth their high cost.                    
Since, though they aren't cheap,                            
They're strong and will keep                                
A boffer from e'er getting lost.                            
                                                            
62403 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Travis Brasell           



The prissy old spinster, Miss Hodger,                       
Fears most she'll be raped by her lodger;                   
And so each night she lies,                                 
A steel trap 'twixt her thighs,                             
Which she's certain will catch the old codger.              
                                                            
62404 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Al Kracht           P9902



A waterpipe suited Miss Hunt,                               
Who used it for many a bunt.                                
But the unlucky wench got it caught in her trench.          
It took twenty-two men and a big Stilson wrench,            
To get the thing out of her cunt.                           
                                                            
62405 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL                         L1278



There was a young dolly called Molly                        
Who jollied herself with a brolly.       (Brit for umbrella)
One day it snapped open                                     
And 'spite all her gropin'                                  
She couldn't extract it, by golly.                          
                                                            
62406 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL                              



While screwing a girl in Decatur,                           
Joe reached in and pulled out a vibrator.                   
"So that's," said Yvonne,                                   
"Where the damned thing has gone."                          
Joe pulled out an old Coke bottle later.                    
                                                            
62407 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Michael Weinstein   P9612



There once was a girl from Vancouver,                       
Who had an affair with her Hoover.                          
With a passionate twitch,                                   
She kicked on the switch,                                   
And it took several men to remove her.                      
                                                            
62408 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL                              



My patent for preventing rape:                              
A zipper along what's agape.                                
In Velcro next dip                                          
Each hair, base to tip,                                     
Then criss cross it all with Scotch Tape.                   
                                                            
62409 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - METAL     Irving Superior     P8802



As she slammed the car door, Mrs. Grits                     
Removed both her scarf and her mitts,                       
And she felt pretty snug                                    
With her hot coffee mug,                                    
In that place where a coffee mug fits.                      
                                                            
62410 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Bob Birch                



Up in Newell, a recluse named Sue,                          
Hid her jewels quite well out of view.                      
With her cranny thus filled,                                
She soon ground down her dild-                              
O, which left her with nothing to do.                       
                                                            
62411 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Pierce Evans             



There once was a whore from Beluz,                          
Who was fucking a man just because,                         
From her cunt fell a brick,                                 
He yelled "Girl are you sick?"                              
She said, "No, but the guy before was."                     
                                                            
62412 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL                            



A mud wrestler known as Mean Jeanie                         
Said as she donned her bikini,                              
"Whenever I lose                                            
I get mud in my cooze,                                      
'Nuff to grow a small crop of zucchini."                    
                                                            
62413 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL                       P8503



Said she, as she spread on the sand,                        
"I just hate to get sand in my gland,                       
For it tortures me scraping...                              
While I enjoy japing,                                       
It's the sand in my gland I can't stand."                   
                                                            
62414 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Grand Prix Lim  835      



While walking alone on the shore,                           
A man found a very nice whore,                              
Or so the man thought                                       
Till he plunged in her twat,                                
And he found there was sand in her bore.                    
                                                            
62415 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Albin Chaplin   3024-1659



He prodded and poked for a while;                           
She flashed him an Arabic smile,                            
And spat him some snot.                                     
"You'll not hump my twat,                                   
It's clogged with the sands of the Nile."                   
                                                            
62416 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL                            



Young Fatima Saud of Arabia                                 
Looks gorgeous, but watch it, she may be a                  
Bit scratchy down there,                                    
On account of her hair                                      
And the sharp gritty sand on her labia.                     
                                                            
62417 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Peter Wilkins            



Roxanne was a cat burglar's daughter,                       
Stealing diamonds the way he had taught her;                
Having hid the hot rocks,                                   
In a pouch up her box,                                      
She would relish the search if they caught her.             
                                                            
62418 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL                            



There was a mean witch of the Rhone,                        
Who cursed an old harlot named Joan.                        
Not a man was amused,                                       
Au contraire, they were bruised,                            
For they found she'd been plugged up with stone.            
                                                            
62419 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Limericks For The John   



A lonely young widow named Cottle                           
Sought solace with bouts with the bottle.                   
(We're not dealing with drink                               
As you probably think --                                    
She jammed the damned thing up her twattle.)                
                                                            
62420 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Armand E Singer       307



I did with my dick what you said,                           
With such force that we went through the bed.               
Yep, she felt all my power                                  
For over an hour,                                           
But I rammed the bottle through her head!                   
                                                            
62421 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL                            



A cautious young lady named Hall                            
Has a diamond as big as a ball...                           
If we told where she keeps                                  
It at night when she sleeps,                                
Man, you wouldn't believe us at all.                        
                                                            
62422 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Grand Prix Lim  428      



A haggard old hag called Mathilda                           
Fell madly in love with a builder,                          
Who mixed up some sand                                      
And some gravel by hand,                                    
With a bag of cement 'til he filled her.                    
                                                            
62423 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL   Peter Wilkins            



An unhappy young bride named McBryce                        
Has a husband who came in a trice.                          
But she managed to cool                                     
His impetuous tool                                          
By stuffing her cunt with dry ice.                          
                                                            
62424 SNATCHES - PLUGGED - MINERAL                       G2410



There was a young lady from Wheatley,                       
Who dressed in a manner quite neatly.                       
She was had by Sir John                                     
From late evening to dawn,                                  
And she had to refurbish completely.                        
                                                            
62425 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin            



There was an old hooker Brazilian                           
Whose pussy was blue and vermilion.                         
When a friend asked her why,                                
She replied, somewhat wry,                                  
"It's because of the fuckers -- one million."               
                                                            
62426 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0406



There was a young plumber named Simms,                      
Who acted on impulse and whims.                             
When he dates Miss Bruce,                                   
Who was said to be loose,                                   
He brought plenty of caulking and shims.                    
                                                            
62427 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin 3024  G2506



There was an old whore from Miami                           
Whose work hole got just a bit clammy.                      
But this they repaired                                      
And even re-haired,                                         
By grafting the skin of a chamois.                          
                                                            
62428 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Armand E Singer       145



There was an old maid from Detroit                          
Whose twat grew as huge as a quoit.                         
To spice her desires,                                       
She crimped it with pliers --                               
A trick you'll agree was adroit.                            
                                                            
62429 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Armand E Singer        75



The wife of a fellow named Steve                            
Gave him pain and much reason to grieve.                    
She taunted him so,                                         
Saying, "Why don't you go?"                                 
He said, "Give me your cunt and I'll leave."                
                                                            
62430 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0347



An able old surgeon named Pease,                            
Refitted worn cunts with great ease.                        
But one whore was left bitter                               
For he carelessly fit her;                                  
The damn thing hung down to her knees.                      
                                                            
62431 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0572



There was a young surgeon named Fox,                        
Who built for a whore a new box.                            
Through a lack of discretion,                               
She lost her profession,                                    
For it failed to accomodate cocks.                          
                                                            
62432 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1781



The noted philanthropist Fitches                            
Left all of his wealth and his riches                       
To the scientist Jeans,                                     
Who invented a means                                        
For extracting good cunts from old bitches.                 
                                                            
62433 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin            



On sick leave was old harlot Barrett;                       
She took some time off to repair it.                        
Since the madam was short,                                  
She returned to the sport,                                  
Where she just had to grin and to bear it.                  
                                                            
62434 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1756



That whore who half-walked in Port Perry                    
With pimp (of course with the name Terry)                   
Was rebored with a ham,                                     
Less bone.  She can cram                                    
Your prick and your balls in her hairy.                     
                                                            
62435 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED                                  



A whore went to old Dr. Hubbell                             
To cure on her cunt a bad bubble.                           
He repaired that and more                                   
On this slimy old whore,                                    
So she gave him a fuck for his trouble.                     
                                                            
62436 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1549



A moral young lady of Clyde,                                
In righteous behavior took pride.                           
So they made her a shunt                                    
Which bypassed her cunt --                                  
Now she fucks through a hole in her side.                   
                                                            
62437 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1842



While digging for fossils, Miss Joan                        
Discovered a cunt made of stone.                            
She remarked, "I conclude                                   
It has never been screwed.                                  
I'll install it in place of my own."                        
                                                            
62438 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0487



An overage harlot from Guelph,                              
Worked hard to improve on herself.                          
She had her cheeks shifted,                                 
And her snatch she had lifted;                              
She cared not to be laid on the shelf.                      
                                                            
62439 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1543



Her new pussy was rated decorous                            
By a horny geologist Boris,                                 
And after he fucked it                                      
He said, "I deduct it                                       
Is very much like brontosaurus."                            
                                                            
62440 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0488



To the Doc for repairs went whore Cappy,                    
And the surgeon's remarks made her happy.                   
"There will be no delay;                                    
I will start right away,                                    
And I'll see the affair is made snappy."                    
                                                            
62441 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1764



The surgeon applied his skilled arts,                       
Assembling sex parts per his charts,                        
Which he put in a bag                                       
For a worn-out old hag,                                     
And her hole was made up of the parts.                      
                                                            
62442 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1753



The manhole she saw at the corner                           
Brought forth a laugh from Miss Horner.                     
Said she in her glee,                                       
"I've a manhole in me,                                      
To which NO man has yet been a scorner."                    
                                                            
62443 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Grand Prix Lim  246      



The harlot said, "Look, let us face it;                     
We're forced by this work to debase it.                     
But with medical knowledge                                  
That they learn now in college,                             
It is simple enough to replace it."                         
                                                            
62444 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1779



A neurotic young lady named Scott                           
Moved her chairs and her sofas a lot.                       
But relations were strained                                 
And her husband complained                                  
When she found a new place for her twat.                    
                                                            
62445 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin            



A lady who felt a great lack,                               
Complained of an itch in her crack.                         
She said, "It needs scratching."                            
Said a man who looked, "Patching                            
Would be better to take up the slack."                      
                                                            
62446 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0512



For the doctor, Miss Snavely laid bare;                     
Her hoarse throat, he looked at with care.                  
He remarked to her, gravely,                                
"My opinion, Miss Snavely,                                  
Is your cunt is in need of repair."                         
                                                            
62447 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1940



A worn-out old hooker named Ewing                           
Remained in the business of screwing                        
With a pussy brand-new,                                     
Which she stuck on with glue,                               
But it couldn't withstand the shampooing.                   
                                                            
62448 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin 3024  G1781



A curious mammal's the beaver;                              
If my wife didn't have one, I'd leave her.                  
'Cause there is no doubt                                    
That I won't live without.                                  
If she leaves, I'll chop it with a cleaver!                 
                                                            
62449 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED                                  



Taint rooter or cooter or pooter,                           
Taint nothin' down there much more neuter.                  
Taint a good seat.                                          
Taint always sweet.                                         
Taint nothin' we know any cuter!                            
                                                            
62450 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         H WHELCHEL               



Said a young man named George, "I've a whim:                
I'd rather be her than be him.                              
I'll just change my goal,                                   
And my pole for a hole,                                     
With serum and a surgical trim."                            
                                                            
62451 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED                             G2064



A skillful young surgeon named Bragg,                       
The vagina removed from a hag.                              
She recouped for a while                                    
And she said, with a smile,                                 
"Now the pussy is out of the bag."                          
                                                            
62452 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1762



A broken-down harlot did tremble                            
When violently fucked by young Kemble.                      
He said, "Let's have another.                               
But she said, "Hold it, brother,                            
For my cunt I must now reassemble."                         
                                                            
62453 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1826



A skillful young surgeon named Gore                         
Gained fame that would last evermore.                       
For he rebuilt a twat                                       
By drawing it taut,                                         
And was known as the friend of the whore.                   
                                                            
62454 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1786



There was an old harlot named Cushing                       
Whose trade for long years she'd kept pushing.              
She'd turned so many tricks,                                
With all manner of pricks,                                  
That she needed a pussy rebushing.                          
                                                            
62455 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED                             G1765



There was an old harlot named Cushing,                      
Her trade for long years she kept pushing.                  
She had so many scrapes                                     
With all manner of apes,                                    
That she needed a pussy rebushing.                          
                                                            
62456 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1768



There was a young surgeon named Hartz,                      
And expert in surgical arts.                                
He could fashion a patch                                    
To recover a snatch,                                        
And made cocks with replacable parts.                       
                                                            
62457 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1793



A ingenious old chemist named Hugh                          
Brought some hope to the faltering screw.                   
He concocted one day                                        
An new vaginal spray,                                       
Which made worn-out old cunts smell like new.               
                                                            
62458 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1796



A sex-loving lass from Hoboken                              
Fucked for years till her pussy got broken.                 
She found a repairman --                                    
Can't tell you just where, man --                           
But it's back again, soakin' and smokin'!.                  
                                                            
62459 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Writerman                



Gert Harrison, tears in her eyes,                           
Cried, "I need your help, Dr. Wise!                         
At night when we're screwig,                                
My husband keeps spewing,                                   
'Your cunt needs a major revise!'                           
                                                            
62460 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Travis Brasell           



"I can't understand all his flack!                          
Would you please examine my crack?"                         
He said, "Goodness yes!                                     
Now take off your dress                                     
And lie down right here on your back."                      
                                                            
62461 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Travis Brasell           



The doctor said "WOW!  Mrs. Harrison,                       
Your cunt's large enough for a garrison                     
Of troops from Ft. Wallen                                   
On horses to fall in.                                       
Grand Canyon is small by comparison."                       
                                                            
62462 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Travis Brasell           



"Whoa Nellie!  Just look how it twitches;                   
Your cunt's one of natures great glitches!                  
I'll suture it tight,                                       
And then by tonight                                         
You'll have your old husband in stitches!"                  
                                                            
62463 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Travis Brasell           



An old whore after years of seduction                       
Sought repairs to restore her production.                   
To a man she said, "Dear,                                   
You can fuck what is here,                                  
But the rest of it's under construction."                   
                                                            
62464 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Jim Weaver Collection    



A worn-out old harlot named Hatch                           
Asked a tailor to try out her snatch.                       
He said, "I will fuck it,                                   
But first I must tuck it,                                   
And secure it in place with a patch."                       
                                                            
62465 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-1544



A redhead approached Mr. Tuller                             
And showed him her crotch, which was duller.                
He exclaimed in despair,                                    
"What I seem to see there                                   
Is a horse which is different in color."                    
                                                            
62466 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED         Albin Chaplin   3024-0632



To an ancient divine of Tyrone,                             
Was the art of rebushing cunts known.                       
In each cunt, he would ram,                                 
A fine, prime raw ham,                                      
And then deftly extracted the bone.                         
                                                            
62467 SNATCHES - REFURBISHED                             L1552



I wanted some exitement tonight;                            
Me with my twat that's so tight.                            
So I depodded a pea                                         
For some fiddle de dee,                                     
And it's stuck!  Oh dear what a plight!                     
                                                            
62468 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



A young lady, by the name of Miss French,                   
Had a pussy as large as a trench.                           
She thought sex would heighten                              
With a surgical tighten.                                    
It won't open now with a wrench.                            
                                                            
62469 SNATCHES - SMALL               Puff Adder               



This story was making her sick;                             
She suffered from lack of a prick.                          
But she looked around                                       
And finally found                                           
A lover who's a good mechanic.                              
                                                            
62470 SNATCHES - SMALL               Puff Adder               



A virginal nun of St. Ives                                  
Was taken in church by surprise,                            
Stipped bare and inspected,                                 
Passed 'round but rejected                                  
As far below minimal size.                                  
                                                            
62471 SNATCHES - SMALL               Armand E Singer        71



The smallest I've know, tiny Faith                          
Loved to lie in the sun, and that wraith                    
With her flesh like warm taffy,                             
Drove me nearly daffy                                       
(Loving her took a big stretch of Faith).                   
                                                            
62472 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



A sexy young student named Wiest,                           
Had the tightest pussy in the East.                         
To open her door                                            
Was a difficult chore;                                      
You'd need butter and crowbar, at least.                    
                                                            
62473 SNATCHES - SMALL               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Harrow,                           
Who complained that her cunt was too narrow.                
For times without number,                                   
She would use a cucumber,                                   
But could not accomplish a marrow.                          
(marrow - spouse, lover)                                    
62474 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   L1274



There was a young girl named Dalrymple,                     
Whose sexual equipment was so simple.                       
On examination they found,                                  
Little more that a mound,                                   
In the center of which was a dimple.                        
                                                            
62475 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   L1631



There was a princess of Bengal,                             
Whose cunt was excessively small.                           
She said, "It would be                                      
Much simpler for me                                         
To do without fucking at all."                              
                                                            
62476 SNATCHES - SMALL               W. Parke                 



"I use alum to douche", said Marie,                         
"To tighten those parts you don't see."                     
She douched twice a night,                                  
And made it so tight,                                       
That it takes her twelve minutes to pee.                    
                                                            
62477 SNATCHES - SMALL               Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



There was a young lady named Violet                         
Whose cunt was so small that a pilot                        
Who attempted to wreck her                                  
Was advised that his pecker                                 
Must pass first through the hole in an eyelet.              
                                                            
62478 SNATCHES - SMALL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0637



There was in Connecticut once,                              
A chap who went strongly for runts.                         
Midget parts, he collected,                                 
Were all hand-selected,                                     
And framed, with miniature cunts.                           
                                                            
62479 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   L1503



A Princess, in love with a Giant,                           
Went to see her ob-gyn as a client.                         
He said "Y2KY"                                              
So that she wouldn't cry,                                   
But instead would be fully compliant.                       
                                                            
62480 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



The lovliest ladies in Visalia                              
Are best known for snug fit genitalia.                      
When you enter their space,                                 
You know it's a race                                        
To see who first makes point interalia.                     
                                                            
62481 SNATCHES - SMALL               Tom Avenell        TP9901



There was a young girl of Salina                            
Who had such a tiny vagina,                                 
Men entered and left                                        
That diminutive cleft,                                      
And now they have had to reline her.                        
                                                            
62482 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   G0443



I supposed I just might be perturbed                        
If the length was a measly third                            
Of the width through the middle;                            
So I'd rather not fiddle                                    
With your highly compressed little bird.                    
                                                            
62483 SNATCHES - SMALL               Anon                     



"Her pussy is rated a ten",                                 
He said with his face in a grin.                            
"It's firm and its tight,                                   
An incredible sight.                                        
I want it again and again!"                                 
                                                            
62484 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



There was a young split-tail of Brighton                    
Whose trap...a remarkably tight 'un...                      
Makes insertion a chore                                     
That starts an uproar                                       
Sounding much like two alley cats fightin'!                 
                                                            
62485 SNATCHES - SMALL               Grand Prix Lim  176      



So your pussy's too small for his bat,                      
And you'd much rather choke if he spat.                     
If you say "I'll just suck it",                             
He may give up and tuck it...                               
And say, "Suck it, hell I can do that!"                     
                                                            
62486 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



There was a young chippy named Carol                        
Had a twat like a crack in a barrel.                        
You could huff and could puff,                              
And could busily stuff,                                     
But your pecker was never in peril.  (Or Carol.)            
                                                            
62487 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   G0286



So Angular Jim got a spin                                   
At Jodi's sweet vertical grin;                              
But the truth I must speak:                                 
I like 'em to squeak                                        
With tightness while sliding it in.                         
                                                            
62488 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



A winsome young lady named Wencil                           
Has the world's smallest screwing utilsil.                  
She likes men at stud                                       
Providing their pud                                         
Is built like a ball-pointed pencil.                        
                                                            
62489 SNATCHES - SMALL               Grand Prix Lim  859      



A girl known as Deborah Lynne                               
Likes penises tiney and thin.                               
Her cunt is so small,                                       
Barely there at all.                                        
But the thin ones slip easily in.                           
                                                            
62490 SNATCHES - SMALL               Peter Wilkins            



I guess tool size isn't an issue,                           
To the girls, (the ones that miss you),                     
But the guys all agree                                      
That a tight little pee                                     
Hole is something we must insist to.                        
                                                            
62491 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



A jolly young joiner from Jarrow,                           
Found a fissure excessively narrow;                         
When the query cam, "Why                                    
Not at least have a try?"                                   
He replied, "I'm a beau, not an arrow."                     
                                                            
62492 SNATCHES - SMALL               Harold C Bibby           



There was a young man named Hatch,                          
Who thought that he'd made a great catch.                   
His inducement to flirt,                                    
Was a wee mini-skirt,                                       
But, alas, she'd a wee mini-snatch.                         
                                                            
62493 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   G0088



A philandering fellow of Pictou                             
Had no girl he could steadily stick to;                     
None had ever enough                                        
Of the physical stuff                                       
To encompass his knackers and dick too.                     
                                                            
62494 SNATCHES - SMALL               Keith MacMillan       28d



Said the hunter of game to Miss Granger,                    
"To the feeling of fear I'm no stranger.                    
I respect the big cat                                       
In his wild habitat,                                        
But a pussy that's small is no danger."                     
                                                            
62495 SNATCHES - SMALL               Albin Chaplin 3024  P8812



At her husband's relentless insisting,                      
She posted an S&M listing,                                  
Having just one restriction                                 
Regarding the friction,                                     
That disallowed vaginal fisting.                            
                                                            
62496 SNATCHES - SMALL               Bob Birch           P0011



'Twas a prissy young missy named Laura                      
Who was had by a lad from Kenora,                           
But the fit was so tight                                    
That, though try as he might,                               
He just couldn't do anything fora.                          
                                                            
62497 SNATCHES - SMALL               Keith MacMillan       78b



Best pussy by far is a young 'un,                           
Perfectly ripe for a tonguein'.                             
No labial distortions                                       
From a wee ones contortions;                                
No distension from fucking a hung 'un.                      
                                                            
62498 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



Cried the dumfounded groom in despair,                      
"My pecker will never fit there!"                           
But his bride countered, "Hell,                             
It should fit very well,                                    
And with plenty left over to spare."                        
                                                            
62499 SNATCHES - SMALL               Albin Chaplin   3024-0432



Nope, want to use my own;                                   
Been doing it since I was grown.                            
There's nothing finer                                       
Than a nice tight vagina;                                   
I wish I had one of my own!                                 
                                                            
62500 SNATCHES - SMALL               Jim Weaver Collection    



This poor woman's bane -- vaginismus:                       
Guys could poke her 'til they were strabismous,             
And not budge the locks                                     
On this baby's toy-box --                                   
It could only be opened at Christmas.                       
(strabismous - squinting)                                   
62501 SNATCHES - SMALL               Robin K. Willoughby P8710



Cried the virgin who lay on her back,                       
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!                      
This guy's hung like a horse,                               
And he wants intercourse,                                   
But I fear he'll get wedged in my crack."                   
                                                            
62502 SNATCHES - SMALL               Bob Birch           P0010



I have fun when I peek through her keyhole                  
And watch my girl play with her peehole.                    
I would willingly screw her,                                
But I can't get in to her,                                  
She has such an incredibly wee hole!                        
                                                            
62503 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   G0373



"Woman's twat," said a young man named Joe,                 
"Is the size of her mouth, don't you know."                 
An old gal standing by,                                     
Gave forth a big sigh,                                      
The pursed her lips, "Is that so?"                          
                                                            
62504 SNATCHES - SMALL               Clarence E Boyle    P8807



Away, I was clean as a whistle,                             
But now like a heat-seeking missile,                        
I find myself here,                                         
And it's just as I fear;                                    
There is little but pussy and gristle.                      
                                                            
62505 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



Little Emily's blonde and attractive                        
And extremely sexually proactive.                           
Her tight little twat                                       
Has grown so red hot                                        
That the damn thing is radioactive.                         
                                                            
62506 SNATCHES - SMALL               MrMalo                   



Have you heard that the Lady Ismene                         
Has a quim that is terribly teeny?                          
But to her surprise,                                        
It is just the right size                                   
For His Majesty's quite teeny weenie.                       
                                                            
62507 SNATCHES - SMALL               Mike Tice                



Said Mary, while stroking her clit                          
"It's a really nice little slit,                            
But unlike my behind,                                       
Will I ever find                                            
Some one to fit snugly in it?"                              
                                                            
62508 SNATCHES - SMALL               Tony Burrell             



There was a young woman from Deal                           
For whom every fellow would kneel,                          
To revere her small pussy,                                  
As fresh as a sushi,                                        
And to relish the scent of an eel.                          
                                                            
62509 SNATCHES - SMALL               Marnix van Winkelen      



In Hong Kong, a Texan named Lew                             
Was looking for ladies to screw.                            
Said the madam, Miss Chang,                                 
After feeling his whang,                                    
"My girls have small cunts, so take two."                   
                                                            
62510 SNATCHES - SMALL               Albin Chaplin   3024-1583



There was a young lady whose heinie                         
Was round, pretty, pink, soft, and shiny.                   
But she took all her joys                                   
With immature boys,                                         
As her twat was so terribly tiny.                           
                                                            
62511 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   G0357



A girlfriend of mine'd get me hot,                          
But, glory! she had such a wee twat;                        
She straddled my log,                                       
When in ran her dog,                                        
Then she started screaming, "Oh, Gee! Spot!"                
                                                            
62512 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



Emily, you're the one that I love,                          
You sweet little blonde turtle dove.                        
I don't give a snort                                        
If you are a bit short,                                     
'Cause your pussy's as tight as a glove.                    
                                                            
62513 SNATCHES - SMALL               Mike H                   



I never will finish with Mandy,                             
She's sweeter than apricot brandy.                          
Her tight little crack                                      
Means I cannot hold back;                                   
No, I never will finish with Mandy.                         
                                                            
62514 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



An old electronic designer,                                 
Had designs on a minor named Dinah.                         
He couldn't carry them out                                  
For his prick was too stout,                                
And too small was the minor's vagina.                       
                                                            
62515 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   G1540



Anne was a girl from Des Moines,                            
Whose cunt was the size of a coin.                          
Her sex was so wussy,                                       
Tom Jones liked her pussy,                                  
But she went to fuck Johnny Burgoyne.                       
                                                            
62516 SNATCHES - SMALL               Jim Weaver Collection    



The crotch of a lady from Trenton                           
Was too tight to make much of a dent on.                    
The fellows who tried                                       
Spread the news far and wide                                
That she made of a hardon, a bent-un.                       
                                                            
62517 SNATCHES - SMALL               Isaac Asimov             



Hey, come now, just listen up mister;                       
You can't screw such a virginal sister.                     
I'd rather watch the fight                                  
'Cause the hole is too tight.                               
Your dick'll swell up to a blister.                         
                                                            
62518 SNATCHES - SMALL                                        



There was an old lady of Kewry,                             
Whose cunt was a 'lusus naturae'.                           
The 'introitus vaginae'                                     
Was unnaturally tiny,                                       
And the thought of it filled her with fury.                 
                                                            
62519 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   L0181



Lady Reginald Humphries (belie                              
-ve it or don't) had a vulva so wee,                        
She disposed of the sexual                                  
Need of Lord Rex through a l-                               
audibly disciplined flea.                                   
                                                            
62520 SNATCHES - SMALL                                   G0249



"Oh gosh!" said young Rita from Harrow,                     
"Your penis is huge like a barrow."                         
"Not quite", said her school                                
Teacher, wielding his tool,                                 
"It's your cunt that's exceedingly narrow."                 
                                                            
62521 SNATCHES - SMALL               Peter Wilkins            



A gadget collector named Mantz                              
Brought home a machine made in France.                      
Now, this is no snow job --                                 
It gives you a blow job,                                    
And stuffs your dick back in your pants.                    
                                                            
62522 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Steve                    



There was a young fellow named Bream,                       
Who never had had a wet dream.                              
For when lacking a whore,                                   
He'd just bore out the core                                 
Of an apple, and fuck it through cream.                     
                                                            
62523 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L1248



A clever young man named Eugene,                            
Invented a jack-off machine.                                
On the twenty-third strike,                                 
The fucking thing broke,                                    
And beat both his balls into cream.                         
                                                            
62524 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



There was a young caveman named Ug,                         
Who stuck his plug in a jug.                                
Said Ug with a shrug,                                       
As he gave it a tug,                                        
"Now ain't this a hell of a fug."                           
                                                            
62525 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L1708



Seven smart men had some wine                               
Then said, "It would really be fine                         
To have for our bone,                                       
Just a pussy alone..."                                      
So they built one per their own design.                     
                                                            
62526 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



First was a butcher with wit                                
Who took a sharp knife from his kit,                        
Then with stylish precision                                 
He made an incision                                         
And gave it a vertical slit.                                
                                                            
62527 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Second, a carpenter bold                                    
Said, "Well, it's going to be polled..."                    
So he took out his gimlet                                   
And to a depth preset,                                      
Made sure it was beautifully holed.                         
                                                            
62528 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Third was a tailor quite thin,                              
Who said, "It would be such a sin                           
If it tended to scratch                                     
While using this snatch.."                                  
So he lined it with velvet within.                          
                                                            
62529 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Fourth was a hunter quite stout,                            
Home from the hunt with a shout:                            
"I've got some fox-fur                                      
Just perfect for her!"                                      
And lined it all softly without.                            
                                                            
62530 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Fifth was a guy mean as hell,                               
An angler not thinking too well,                            
He said, "Well I like it!                                   
So I'll just spike it                                       
With a fish to endow with that smell."                      
                                                            
62531 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Sixth a mild preacher, McGee,                               
Said, "For my usual fee                                     
I'll touch it and bless it                                  
(Might even caress it)                                      
Then send it forth able to pee."                            
                                                            
62532 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Last came a sailor, a runt,                                 
Who took it out in a punt...                                
Firstly he sucked it                                        
Then of course fucked it,                                   
And afterwards coined the name "cunt."                      
                                                            
62533 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



There was an old botanist, Pace,                            
Who grew cunts in a pot at his place.                       
When they'd ripen, he'd pluck them,                         
And eat them or fuck them --                                
They were simpler to grow than to chase.                    
                                                            
62534 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-2217



There was a young man of Savannah,                          
Met his end in a curious manner.                            
He diddled a hole                                           
In a telegraph pole,                                        
And electrified his banana.                                 
                                                            
62535 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L1346



A sterling old maid name of Symes,                          
With her counterfeit cunt, had good times.                  
She cashed in on the porters                                
Whom she conned in her quarters,                            
And she fucked them for nickels and dimes.                  
                                                            
62536 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-1823



There was a young fellow named Dunn,                        
Who dated a nun just for fun.                               
But in bed, she was dead,                                   
So he tried screwing bread,                                 
And found half a loaf better than nun.                      
                                                            
62537 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-0690



A moral young girl of Lapeer                                
Held righeous behavior so dear,                             
That she made her a shunt                                   
That would bypass her cunt --                               
Now she fucks throgh a hole in her ear.                     
                                                            
62538 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-1876



A Newfoundland lad from Placentia,                          
Was in love to the point of dementia.                       
But his love didn't burgeon                                 
With this touch-me-not virgin                               
'Til he screwed her by hand, in absentia.                   
                                                            
62539 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L0888



There was a young fellow named Price,                       
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.                           
He had virgins and boys,                                    
And mechanical toys,                                        
And on Mondays, he meddled with mice!                       
                                                            
62540 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L1527



At Sears a young fellow named Jock                          
Bought a foam rubber cunt for his cock.                     
It was easy to wash it,                                     
In a sink he would slosh it --                              
No expenses, complaints, stink or schlock.                  
                                                            
62541 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-1869



A nuerotic young man of Kildare,                            
Drilled a hole in the seat of a chair.                      
He fucked it all night,                                     
Then died of the fright                                     
That maybe he wasn't "all there."                           
                                                            
62542 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L1281



There was a young girl from the Bronix,                     
Who had a vagina of onyx.                                   
She had so much tsoris                                      
With her clitoris,                                          
She traded it in for a Packard.                             
                                                            
62543 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L0135



Marden, in the garden to Knosh                              
On a radish, there spied a fine squash.                     
He thought, while he ate,                                   
He just might copulate;                                     
Found veggies good screwing, by gosh!                       
                                                            
62544 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Frank Fazed              



A lusty young woodsman of Maine,                            
For years with no woman had lain,                           
But he found sublimation                                    
At a high elevation                                         
In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!                   
                                                            
62545 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L1301



A worn-out old whore of Mobile                              
Installed a new cunt made of steel.                         
Now her fucking was painless,                               
But it should have been stainless,                          
For rust ran in streaks to her heel.                        
                                                            
62546 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-1610



Your rapier blade is great, but                             
Does it match my Stainless Steel Slut?                      
Lets us compare fits                                        
And size up cockpits...                                     
(I see you opted for uncut!)                                
                                                            
62547 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Step 1 says to insert your blade,                           
Choose a scene. How 'bout Woodland Glade?                   
Step 2 says divest                                          
Our clothes for the test.                                   
Step 3 says we now can get laid!                            
                                                            
62548 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



Your steel balls collide with my shell                      
And ring like the clock tower bell!                         
My scabbard of steel                                        
Is starring to feel                                         
Quite warm.... Ooh! Now it's hot as hell!                   
                                                            
62549 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



My Steel Slut is starting to melt!                          
It seems our parts south of the belt                        
Have now gotten fused!                                      
We should have used                                         
Those water-cooled condoms, "No Smelt"!                     
                                                            
62550 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                                    



There was a young man from Bengal,                          
Who got in a hole in the wall.                              
"Oh," he said, "It's a pity                                 
This hole is so shitty,                                     
But it's better than nothing at all."                       
                                                            
62551 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               L1243



The bridegroom observed his bride dear,                     
Remove her fake tits, teeth, and gear.                      
So he said with a grunt,                                    
"When you get to the cunt,                                  
You can toss the damn thing over here."                     
                                                            
62552 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-1771



On vacation, three men young and bold,                      
Left their wives to go hunting, I'm told.                   
They could not sleep at night,                              
But their guide set them right,                             
When he gave each a hairbrush to hold.                      
                                                            
62553 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC           Albin Chaplin   3024-1959



There was an inventor named Tucker,                         
Who built a vagina of yucca,                                
But his words were obscene,                                 
When the fractious machine,                                 
Got a grip and refused to unpucker.                         
                                                            
62554 SNATCHES - SYNTHETIC                               G2222



The ants in the pants of Miss Morse                         
Would dance with such passion and force,                    
That when in southern France,                               
She just left off her pants,                                
And let nature take its own course.                         
                                                            
62555 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                  G0665



As for women  I'll tell you this, brother,                  
Your girlfriend, your sister, your mother,                  
Every dog, every cutie,                                     
When they bunk up that booty,                               
You can't tell a one from the t'other.                      
                                                            
62556 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



There was a young lady name Janis,                          
Who said, "What a wonder my fan is.                         
If I draw the lips back,                                    
I've a hole, not a crack                                    
Into which pricks seemingly vanis'.                         
                                                            
62557 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Paul Westwood       P9607



A cautious old fucker was Jewett;                           
He said to a harlot, "I'll do it,                           
If at first, you'll expose                                  
What's between your big toes,                               
For I know what I want when I view it.                      
                                                            
62558 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1555



A bride to be proud of, had Cole,                           
For he felt he achieved his life's goal.                    
But he cried in despair                                     
When he viewed her crotch bare --                           
Someone ate it and left a big hole.                         
                                                            
62559 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0424



The virile Virginia coal miner                              
Placed his eye near his girlfriend's vagina.                
In the midst of the action                                  
With a mighty contraction,                                  
She gave the fine miner a shiner.                           
                                                            
62560 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



Young Chris to a pretty young miss;                         
"Bet you ain't got a thingy like this."                     
"No, I ain't, I admits,                                     
But with this (and my tits),                                
I'll get thousands of those, little Chris."                 
                                                            
62561 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



The boy to his girl proudly crows,                          
"Here's something that you don't have, Rose."               
"That's true," said the miss,                               
"But just look at this.                                     
And with this, I can get lots of those."                    
                                                            
62562 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Bob Giandomenico    P9409



Young Sara went climbing the tree;                          
Said it was a dare from li'l Mikey.                         
"Sara," said Mom,                                           
"He's a peeping tom;                                        
He's trying to see your pussy."                             
                                                            
62563 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



A young baton-twirler named Rand                            
Had itched as she marched in the band.                      
So she took off her britches                                
And she scratched all her itches,                           
And corrupted the youth of the land.                        
                                                            
62564 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin            



A computer programmer, Miss Black                           
Fell in love with her new UNIVAC.                           
She had hopes to get laid                                   
So her cunt was displayed,                                  
But it counted the hairs on her crack.                      
                                                            
62565 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1954



This story's about Mary Rickers;                            
This chick wore mini skirts, but no knickers.               
But now comes the surprise;                                 
To ward off prying eyes,                                    
She covered her wares with some stickers.                   
                                                            
62566 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Dirruk                   



There was a young man of Bengal,                            
Who went to a fancy-dress ball.                             
Just for a whim,             (Just for a stunt,             
He dressed up as a quim,     (He dressed up as a cunt)      
And was had by a dog in the hall.                           
                                                            
62567 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Norman Douglas      L0579



An erudite traveller named Spurge,                          
With an anthropological urge,                               
Climbed up on a black                                       
To descry in a crack,                                       
Where the East and the West converge.                       
(descry - close observation as of a snatch)                 
62568 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Gents Alphabet Book P9610



To the squalid old harlot of Chester                        
Said the man as he kissed and undressed her,                
"In your cunt down between                                  
It looks perfectly clean.                                   
Do you have an old sore that does fester?"                  
                                                            
62569 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Al Chaplin          P8507



Indecently baring her sex,                                  
An overripe filly named Mex                                 
Remarked with a leer,                                       
It draws the men near,                                      
So a fellow's a cinch to annex...                           
                                                            
62570 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Grand Prix Lim  404      



A homely old lady named Grace                               
Had plenty of dates at her place.                           
She was classed as first rate                               
For she'd greet a new date                                  
With her dress pulled up over her face.                     
                                                            
62571 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0179



Some pussies are rather deplorable,                         
While others are very adorable;                             
But while this is true,                                     
From my point of view,                                      
All pussies are surely explorable!                          
                                                            
62572 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



When problems arose, Mr. Scott                              
All day with great effort gave thought.                     
But with simple precision,                                  
He would make a decision                                    
When he came face to face with a twat.                      
                                                            
62573 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2286



If you want a young girl to call back                       
It is best to display gentle knack.                         
Above all, the first night                                  
Do not squeeze her too tight,                               
Lest you find that you might feel her crack.                
                                                            
62574 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin            



An arsonist hailing from Natchez                            
Had a fetish for peeping at snatches.                       
To fulfill his desires                                      
To view snatches with fires,                                
He ignited some snatches with matches.                      
                                                            
62575 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8708



The patient lay down as if dead.                            
Said the surgeon, "My knife I'll imbed                      
And the brain will be saved                                 
For this patient depraved."                                 
And the cunts flew in streams from his head.                
                                                            
62576 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2009



A perverse old fellow named Blaine                          
Spoke only of whores he had lain.                           
So when he was dead,                                        
They opened his head,                                       
And the cunts flew in streams from his brain.               
                                                            
62577 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1955



Just butt in when you like, you know                        
Your exhaltation boosts my ego.                             
I'd boost "you", I guess,                                   
As you look up my dress                                     
And you see that I go "commando".                           
                                                            
62578 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



This "commando" term's new, say again;                      
And my memory does go way back when;                        
In this state, my dear pet                                  
Wants Marines I will  bet;                                  
She could use a few really good men!                        
                                                            
62579 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



There was a young lady ill treated                          
By men who would date and retreated.                        
For they said, with a start,                                
When her legs spread apart,                                 
"If you call that a cunt, I will eat it!"                   
                                                            
62580 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0481



In the ring, on a horse, doing stunts,                      
Were two women, exposing their cunts.                       
The hot dog concession                                      
Then suffered recession.                                    
The manager was a big dunce!                                
                                                            
62581 SNATCHES - VIEWED              John Dohner         P8801



As she knelt on her knees in prayer,                        
She felt something hard under there.                        
Good old Brother Bub                                        
With his cane gave a rub                                    
To her snatch, Oh Yes! It was bare!                         
                                                            
62582 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Faerie                   



To the doc went a lady named Reepy;                         
Her eyes and her nose were all weepy.                       
Said the doctor serene,                                     
Your asshole looks clean,                                   
Now let's have a look at your peepee.                       
                                                            
62583 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1895



A near sighted fellow named Juba                            
Was playing a piece on his tuba,                            
When across on the floor                                    
Without pants walked a whore,                               
"Say Fidel," he said, "why'd you leave Cuba?"               
                                                            
62584 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0494



The priest of a primitive nation,                           
In the midst of a long incantation,                         
Went into a spell,                                          
And started to tell                                         
Of his wife's magical indentation.                          
                                                            
62585 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Bob Birch           P9804



A pious old preacher named Mort                             
Deplored all the ladies of sport.                           
He rebuked a young maid                                     
Who was plying her trade,                                   
For not having a means of support                           
                                                            
62586 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1614



The harlot, whose name was Miss Bodim,                      
Had not thought to taunt or to goad him.                    
She advised Preacher Mort                                   
She had means of support,                                   
And she lowered her panties and showed him.                 
                                                            
62587 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1615



He stood behind girlies in queues                           
With mirrors attached to his shoes;                         
A quick glance at the floor                                 
He could see what they wore                                 
Up their skirts. (A true snippet of news.)                  
                                                            
62588 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



A lady who was not inhibited,                               
Her asshole and pussy exhibited                             
To all manner of jokers                                     
Who attended her smokers,                                   
But you lads without dads were prohibited.                  
                                                            
62589 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2124



Protecting a new hat, Miss drew,                            
Hung on as the wind blew and blew.                          
Said, "What you see down below                              
Is quite old, don't you know.                               
What you see on my head is brand new!"                      
                                                            
62590 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Clarence Boyle      P8412



An inquisitive bridegroom named Clyde                       
Tried hard to look up in his bride.                         
He cried, "Dammit!  Cunts                                   
Get small all at once,                                      
But they certainly start plenty wide."                      
                                                            
62591 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                  G0297



To the girl said old Dr. von Richter,                       
"Mitt your fingers please spread out your stricture,        
To find vy iss sore;                                        
I must schtudy zum more,                                    
And for dis, I need full-color picture."                    
                                                            
62592 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2260



A lexicographer known as Boris,                             
Was fondling his sweetheart's clitoris.                     
Said he, "No words have I                                   
To describe such hair pie;                                  
For that, I will need my thesaurus."                        
                                                            
62593 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Raging Bull              



She awoke to rapturous applause,                            
To find she was not wearing drawers.                        
While enquiring "Please why's..."                           
The man lowered his eyes,                                   
And she spotted the obvious cause.                          
                                                            
62594 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



There was a young lady of Ulva,                             
Whose boyfriend said, "Look I will pulva-                   
Rize any of you blokes                                      
Who will try to make jokes                                  
Concerning my Ulva girl's vulva."                           
                                                            
62595 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Stanley J. Sharpless     



When I was a boy of just ten,                               
I picked up some paper and pen,                             
And I drew you know what,                                   
'Twas a girl with no twat,                                  
'Cause I still hadn't seen one back then.                   
                                                            
62596 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



Because it's so steamy and hot,                             
I admit I'm not wearing a lot;                              
As I write, this young Dawn                                 
Is stretched out on my lawn,                                
And I can't keep my eyes off her twat.                      
                                                            
62597 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



Don't think she's aware that I'm looking,                   
Or what (in my shorts) may be cooking;                      
But hell, if she knows                                      
What she does to my hose,                                   
She'll be in for a helluva fooking.                         
                                                            
62598 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



There were two brothers named Baird,                        
Who thought all things should be shared.                    
With teats, which are two,                                  
Their arrangement would do,                                 
But with cunts, which is one, 'twas absurd.                 
                                                            
62599 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                  G0245



To his wife said a fellow named Hind,                       
"When we fuck in the dark, it's a grind.                    
Though you may get delight,                                 
Yet a cunt out of sight                                     
You will find is a cunt out of mind."                       
                                                            
62600 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0194



A good Catholic girl wears no patent                        
Leather shoes 'cause they know the intent                   
Will cause an erection                                      
Upon spying reflection                                      
On boys who's cocks easily are bent.                        
                                                            
62601 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



I notice that Playboy has thought                           
That cunt hair won't leave folks distraught,                
So they've shown a bouquet.                                 
But I wait for the day                                      
When the cover displays a full twat.                        
                                                            
62602 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2332



There was an old whore in Times Square                      
Who went 'round with her genitals bare.                     
But the Union said, "Stop!                                  
You can't keep open shop.                                   
We consider the practice unfair."                           
                                                            
62603 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                  G1875



Once a young lady from France                               
Performed a peculiar dance.                                 
She twirled all around;                                     
Her panties fell down;                                      
And gave all the boys a quick glance!                       
                                                            
62604 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



The landlady, kind, gentle-hearted,                         
Would wait till her husband departed.                       
Then she'd treat her new roomer                             
With a peak 'neath her bloomer,                             
Which explains how the roomer got started.                  
                                                            
62605 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0167



I hired a housemaid from Nantes;                            
She does all the cleaning sans panties.                     
When she picked up the trash,                               
I looked at her gash;                                       
Now all her sister are aunties.                             
                                                            
62606 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



After worst pick up line was booked:                        
"Do you smoke after sex?", She looked.                      
Chagrined at the Schmo,                                     
Said, "Gee, I don't know.                                   
Afterwards I've never looked!"                              
                                                            
62607 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Daniel Ford              



A suspicious old man named O'Dare                           
Examined his wife's pubic hair,                             
But he sneezed in her twat,                                 
And he found he could not                                   
Tell the snot from the sperm that was there.                
                                                            
62608 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2215



A curious mammal's the beaver;                              
Known often to give men the fever.                          
A taste to be trying                                        
But there's no damn denying,                                
It looks to be split by a cleaver!                          
                                                            
62609 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



Said a girl TV anchor named Hughes,                         
"My device to boost ratings can't lose!                     
While a news flash is hot,                                  
It is taped to my twat,                                     
And each night, I'm there spreading the news."              
                                                            
62610 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



A woman from the town of Shannon                            
Was grinning while rapidly fannin'                          
Away heat from her twat.                                    
Just then a thought,                                        
Turning over, her ass needed tannin'.                       
                                                            
62611 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



A hot-blooded Spaniard named Neal                           
Made all his young servants reveal                          
Their parted pundenda                                       
In his hacienda,                                            
Then promptly would screw them with zeal!                   
                                                            
62612 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Armand E Singer       195



A lonely young midget was Lew;                              
He met a tall girl in Peru.                                 
When he stood on his toes,                                  
Twat came to his nose.                                      
He had someone, he said, to talk to.                        
                                                            
62613 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0517



A TV repairman undaunted                                    
Tuned in on the lady who taunted;                           
When he saw her crotch bare                                 
He exclaimed in despair,                                    
"Why this can't be the channel I wanted!"                   
                                                            
62614 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0634



Old Marge raised her curtains last night                    
And gave her new neighbor a sight;                          
With her long legs spread                                   
Right there on her bed,                                     
She showed him what used to be tight.                       
                                                            
62615 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Travis Brasell           



His wife had enough, called the fuzz,                       
Because her dear husband, he was                            
Spilling all his seed                                       
While drooling, indeed,                                     
As horny Old Marge got a buzz.                              
                                                            
62616 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



So pleased was that lady named Pyle,                        
When a Boy Scout assisted in style,                         
She inquired, "In what way                                  
Can I brighten your day?"                                   
He said, "Flash me that vertical smile!"                    
                                                            
62617 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0166



A discerning young fellow named Sy,                         
Paused to look at a young maiden's thigh.                   
And he said with a grunt,                                   
"There is more to a cunt,                                   
That you ever can see with the eye."                        
                                                            
62618 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2326



There was a Russian named Boris,                            
Who led the Moscow Girls Chorus.                            
He laid the sopranos                                        
On many pianos;                                             
His aim, a collection of clitoris'.                         
                                                            
62619 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



A horny old spinster named Brook                            
Was undressed in the park by a crook.                       
She said, "Fuck if you will;                                
I'll lie perfectly still."                                  
But he said he just wanted to look.                         
                                                            
62620 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1974



I have a good friend, Dirty Gertie.                         
She's ribald and talks kind of dirty.                       
When she sits on a chair,                                   
Her skirt's up to THERE,                                    
And then she says, "Boys, watch the birdie!"                
                                                            
62621 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



The madam advised Mr. Perkins                               
That she thoroughly scrutinized gherkins.                   
But he refused to expose                                    
Between his big toes,                                       
Till she likewise displayed her own workin's.               
                                                            
62622 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1627



There was a young gal from Brazil,                          
Who sat every day on the sill.                              
And all men would stare,                                    
At her dark pubic hair,                                     
With fingers in up to the hilt.                             
                                                            
62623 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



A floozie-type filly named Flo                              
Will do any damn thing that pays dough.                     
Offer her enough salary,                                    
And she'd pose in a gallery                                 
With her legs spread as wide as they go.                    
                                                            
62624 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                  G1788



Young Annabel, barely sixteen,                              
Sat in manner exceedingly obscene,                          
With her thighs opened wide,                                
And sans panties, astride                                   
And a-straddle the Xerox machine.                           
                                                            
62625 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Peter Wilkins            



Then moaning in ecstasy, nudged                             
Her sweet button (and "Start") for she judged               
She'd have orgasms plenty...                                
Sure enough, after twenty,                                  
The next thousand copies were smudged.                      
                                                            
62626 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Peter Wilkins            



Since I am a red-blooded guy,                               
Who boffs chicks and never asks "Why?"                      
I'll spend my good cash                                     
On Annebel's trash;                                         
'Tis the smudged copies I want to buy.                      
                                                            
62627 SNATCHES - VIEWED              Travis Brasell           



The smudged ones are classic editions                       
And hung in the Louvre near the Titians,                    
But Annabel says                                            
If you don't want high-res                                  
Pics she'll happily take on commissions.                    
                                                            
62628 SNATCHES - VIEWED                                       



Said the Dad, to a suitor who seeked                        
To marry his daughter that week;                            
"My girl's flaw ain't too minor;                            
It's Acute Angina."                                         
"I know," said the suitor, "I've peeked!"                   
                                                            
62629 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Jeffrey L. Lorentz       



There once was a man in a punt                              
Who said "What a beautiful cunt!"                           
And the horny young lass                                    
Then bared her sweet ass,                                   
And said "You can have all you want!"                       
                                                            
62630 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



My dear, ma cherie, let us couch.                           
Perhaps on all-fours you would crouch.                      
With your belle derriere                                    
Up-thrusting in air,                                        
I could glimpse that pink rose, your love pouch!            
                                                            
62631 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Tutta                    



Most fellows do love to be flashed;                         
As for me, that's quite true when I'm smashed.              
When you sit at the bar,                                    
Legs by chance, quite ajar,                                 
I will take it all in, unabashed.                           
                                                            
62632 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Allen Wolverton          



When you sat, it was suddenly plain                         
That my intellect's gone down the drain.                    
I was struck out of breath;                                 
My voice had a small death.                                 
Your Heaven's Gate wipe out my brain!                       
                                                            
62633 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Allen Wolverton          



You are naughty!  I see in your eyes,                       
That you dare me to peek 'tween your thighs!                
I will drool and I'll stare                                 
At the treasures down there,                                
Be they lacies, soft curlies, or flies!                     
                                                            
62634 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Allen Wolverton          



Let me stick my hand in your bush --                        
Come now, my darling, don't push!                           
I'll capture your bird                                      
'Cause, sweetheart, my word!                                
You have such a beautiful tush!                             
                                                            
62635 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Marlene Lewis            



The Bermuda Triangle, I think,                              
Is dangerous clear to its brink.                            
But seeing it bare                                          
In a young lady's hair,                                     
It's the place where I'd most like to sink!                 
                                                            
62636 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Lance Payne         P8601



Wrote pollster George Billingsly Blaine:                    
"Most men prefer sex in the main;                           
A male referendum                                           
Ranked parted pundendum                                     
Far higher than booze or cocaine."                          
                                                            
62637 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Armand E Singer       196



There was a young lady from Flushing;                       
Her manner was girlish and gushing;                         
When she stood on her head                                  
In her nightie, she said:                                   
"You can't seem my face but I'm blushing!"                  
                                                            
62638 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Travis Brasell           



The boldness that I now discover                            
In Playboy -- I may not recover.                            
For they show pubic hair --                                 
But I fear they don't dare                                  
To display a bouquet on the cover.                          
                                                            
62639 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2017



There once was a coach they called Lance,                   
Who never left winning to chance.                           
His cheerleaders had knockers                               
They'd shake at the blockers,                               
And then cartwheel while wearing no pants.                  
                                                            
62640 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Bob Birch           P0900



The wind caught the dress of Miss Rand,                     
Exposing her organ so grand.                                
A young man saw her plight                                  
And set matters aright,                                     
When he covered her snatch with his hand.                   
                                                            
62641 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Albin Chaplin            



My brother's new wife's name of Dawn;                       
She's cute -- innocent as a fawn.                           
But I'm here to say                                         
Each and every day,                                         
He woke up at the real crack of Dawn.                       
                                                            
62642 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                                



The night was almost gone;                                  
I opened my eyes with a yawn.                               
I was quite amazed                                          
With her thighs on my face;                                 
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.                             
                                                            
62643 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       VOL 7                    



A cunt is a thing of great beauty,                          
When viewed in the crotch of a cutie.                       
But the same cunt's a bust                                  
And is viewed with disgust,                                 
When the lady is homely and fruity.                         
                                                            
62644 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Albin Chaplin   3024-0394



Said a pretty young whore of Hong Kong,                     
To a long-pronged patron named Wong,                        
"They say my vagina's                                       
The nicest in China,                                        
Don't ruin it by donging it wrong!"                         
                                                            
62645 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                           L1019



In Maryland, there is a honey                               
Who spreads her cute cunt when it's sunny,                  
Or snowing or raining;                                      
The scent has guys straining                                
To give her a lick, boff, and money!                        
                                                            
62646 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Travis Brasell           



At the Circus, the midget named Pine,                       
Married the fat lady Maude Hine.                            
And that night full of glee,                                
He cried, "Holy Gee!                                        
Enough for ten men and all mine!"                           
                                                            
62647 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Clarence E. Boyle   P8711



A vagina, the organ of Venus,                               
Looks soft and inviting between us.                         
But that's enough looking                                   
Get on with the fucking,                                    
Wishing fucking good luck to our genus.                     
                                                            
62648 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



"My goodness! Your pussy is gorgeous!                       
Let me gaze at it a little more -- just!                    
Spread your legs in the air                                 
And I will just stare,                                      
And I promise I won't cause any more fuss."                 
                                                            
62649 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       John Chastaine           



One day at the beach, it was sunny.                         
Lying down was a curvy beach bunny.                         
Her swimsuit, cut high,                                     
Revealed lots of thigh,                                     
And I spied just the edge of her cunny.                     
                                                            
62650 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Al Willis          TP9806



O, my love's a bonnie red rose                              
Newly sprung from her dropped panty-hose...                 
Her petals be-dewed                                         
Arouse me when viewed,                                      
In that florescent labial pose.                             
                                                            
62651 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                                



There once was a maid from Morocco,                         
Who dated a sex freak named Paco.                           
He said, "Wait here please,                                 
I need lettuce and cheese,                                  
'Cause your snatch looks just like a taco!"                 
                                                            
62652 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                                



There were two young brothers named Pakenham,               
Intrigued by the way girls were stackin' 'em.               
But a girl got them hot                                     
By exposing her twat,                                       
So they unzipped their flies to start whackin' 'em.         
                                                            
62653 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Albin Chaplin   3024-1888



A Maiden from the South of France                           
Traveled occasionally without her pants.                    
When walking and talking,                                   
All about her were gawking;                                 
The men were all thinking "Romance."                        
                                                            
62654 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



The ex of Miss North Carolina                               
Has pics of her boobs and vagina.                           
He wanted a fortune                                         
Obtained by extortion;                                      
He ought to be kicked clear to China.                       
                                                            
62655 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Dr Limerick  09-08-02    



Though the area denoted as pubic,                           
Doesn't take so much space in the cubic,                    
It's a double-dyed cinch                                    
It gets more interest per inch,                             
From all but the prudes and cherubic.                       
                                                            
62656 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Grand Prix Lim  774      



A posh girl namaed Tabitha Vickers,                         
Wore her fur coat without any knickers.                     
Her soft furry mink                                         
Caused young men to wink,                                   
And ask if she'd like them to lick 'ers.                    
                                                            
62657 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Jayne                    



When she sat down, I started to watch;                      
My eyes went direct to her crotch.                          
I spied her enchanties,                                     
For she wore no panties,                                    
And the view, I must say, was topnotch!                     
                                                            
62658 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Al Willis                



Mighty proud of her snatch was Miss Datchett.               
For hours she would just sit and scratch it,                
And say with a smile,                                       
"It has tone, it has style;                                 
There ain't many snatches to match it."                     
                                                            
62659 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                           G0305



Cold weather, when it's in the minuses,                     
Is hell on a guy's aging sinuses;                           
If you need a spot                                          
To keep your nose hot,                                      
A twat's the best place; at least Dinah's is.               
                                                            
62660 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                                



For sinus relief from Miss Powell,                          
I covers me head with a towel.                              
My breathing improves                                       
With her pelvis moves,                                      
Unleashing the steam from her bowel.                        
                                                            
62661 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                                



Across from me Katherine sits                               
With her dusky brown body and tits.                         
She has long brunette hair,                                 
Golden thighs and just there                                
(As a contrast) pink labial bits.                           
                                                            
62662 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Peter Wilkins            



Limericks are often quite cute,                             
Mention parts other rhymes do not suit.                     
For bollocks and titties                                    
Don't fit other ditties,                                    
Which reminds me, your quim is a beaut!                     
                                                            
62663 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Prof M-G                 



An outrageous young lady named Kyle                         
Likes to flirt in a whimsical style:                        
She'll depanty, it's said,                                  
And then stand on her head,                                 
To display her most quimsical smile.                        
                                                            
62664 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A girl with magnificent tits,                               
When dancing would wiggle her hips.                         
A wonderful flirt,                                          
She'd lift up her skirt                                     
And exhibit her sensuous lips.                              
                                                            
62665 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Bertie                   



A curious thing, the vagina;                                
Besides being a lovely recliner,                            
It has lips that don't talk,                                
And goes 'squish' when you walk,                            
But I can't think of anything finer!                        
                                                            
62666 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Lims For Year - 01       



On the table I do pound and beat!                           
I drool!  This sight is so sweet!                           
She makes my prick stir,                                    
By "taking my picture";                                     
Mons veneris teases my meat!                                
                                                            
62667 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE                                



The planets most beautiful cunt                             
Adorns the world's ungliest runt.                           
But Oh, she seem fair                                       
When you cock is in there,                                  
And only when spent are you stunned.                        
                                                            
62668 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Hendrik van Oordt        



I once knew a nice girl from Spain                          
Whose knickers got wet in the rain.                         
For wearing so little,                                      
And the water's transmittal,                                
I thanked her again and again.                              
                                                            
62669 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       C M                      



A well-built young girl of Fort Knox,                       
Was rugged and strong as an ox.                             
When she wrestled, fans booed                               
For her wrestling was crude,                                
But they all loved to look at her box.                      
                                                            
62670 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Albin Chaplin   3024-2061



Without panties went Kate somewhat late,                    
To the cat show where entries were great.                   
There were three judges wise,                               
And they gave the first prize                               
To the pink pussy shown there by Kate.                      
                                                            
62671 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Albin Chaplin            



The panties of old spinster Tweek                           
Dropped down in a mishap unique.                            
At a twat exhibition,                                       
'Twas judged mint condition                                 
And it won the first prize for antique.                     
                                                            
62672 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Albin Chaplin   3024-1399



Our office "girl" was, if you please,                       
Promoted with promptness and ease.                          
She straddled her box                                       
Atop the Xerox                                              
And sent copies to all the VP's.                            
                                                            
62673 SNATCHES - VIEWED - NICE       Richard E. Buenger  P8209



To a lad, an old maid name of Schust,                       
Was exposing her twat and her bust.                         
But he said, "Hide your tits,                               
For they give me the shits,                                 
And your cunt is beginning to rust."                        
                                                            
62674 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0602



A man that we'll call Mr. Little,                           
Whose wife's pussy, he did love to diddle.                  
He said with a screech,                                     
"It looked like a peach,                                    
Now a cowpie with track up the middle."                     
                                                            
62675 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Jim Weaver Collection    



There was an old fellow named Bertie,                       
Who said as he diddled Miss Gertie,                         
"I must make a confession,                                  
I've not seen a depression                                  
Of this magnitude since 1930."                              
                                                            
62676 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0400



The bearded old whore of Woodhaven,                         
Was ugly and crude and unshaven.                            
And she peddled her hole                                    
Just to miners of coal,                                     
For her pussy was black as a raven.                         
                                                            
62677 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2395



There was a young lady all-fired --                         
To be a great whore she aspired.                            
But her crotch was perfidious,                              
And so gruesome and hideous,                                
That men dextrous bogged down and got mired.                
                                                            
62678 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1427



A hard-up young fellow named Hood                           
Once took an old whore to the wood.                         
He remarked, so forlorn,                                    
"It is festered and worn,                                   
And it smells pretty bad, but it's good."                   
                                                            
62679 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2981



He looked at her twat with a spasm,                         
And went into a fearful orgasm.                             
She said that her slot                                      
In beauty was wrought,                                      
But he thought it was more like a chasm.                    
                                                            
62680 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0621



There was a young man from Florida,                         
Who coveted a girl and he borrowed her.                     
When she open her thighs,                                   
He exclaimed in surprise,                                   
"Why, that's not a cunt; it's a corridor."                  
                                                            
62681 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY                          L0160



To a hoary old hooker, Hank Howe,                           
Said, on seeing her there, "M'am, I vow                     
You got the wrong shipment                                  
Of sexing equipment,                                        
For your'n was sure built for a cow!"                       
                                                            
62682 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Grand Prix Lim  641      



The auto mechanic was straining                             
In bed with a lady named Blaining.                          
He examined her snatch                                      
And he said with dispatch,                                  
"I believe that your crankcase needs draining."             
                                                            
62683 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0624



There was a young fellow named Howe                         
Whose girl had a cunt like a sow.                           
When he looked at this well,                                
His erected cock fell                                       
Like the turd from the ass of a cow.                        
                                                            
62684 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0474



Ronald thought that Ms. Thatcher was fit                    
To take into bed for a bit.                                 
Though in Concord one day                                   
He soon found in dismay                                     
What he faced was a dangerous split.                        
                                                            
62685 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin            



To hardships the doctor's enured;                           
He stands before patients assured.                          
Not one does suspect                                        
His illness abject --                                       
One look at a cunt and he's cured.                          
                                                            
62686 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1852



A lady whose head spun and whirled,                         
Her snatch to her lover unfurled.                           
He stood back in great fright,                              
And cried, "God, what a sight!                              
I have just seen the end of the world."                     
                                                            
62687 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0641



She looked terribly fragile and small,                      
As she stood with her back to the wall.                     
But she opened her sluices,                                 
And let out her juices,                                     
And bloody near flooded the hall!                           
                                                            
62688 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY                          G0761



At the office a clerk name of Jean                          
Plumped her snatch on the copy machine.                     
Said her boss, "I do vow,                                   
It looks much like a cow;                                   
Half size makes a much better scene."                       
                                                            
62689 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Al Chaplin          P0302



There once was a goon from Sheepshit                        
Who proved to be only a half-wit.                           
His girlfriend he bumped,                                   
And seeing her cunt,                                        
"My God," he cried, "I've cracked it!"                      
                                                            
62690 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY                          G0450



A indescreet fellow named Manion                            
Had picked up a strolling companion.                        
He went to her apartment                                    
And viewed her compartment,                                 
And he cried, "I have seen the Grand Canyon!"               
                                                            
62691 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0532



There was a young fellow named Burl                         
Who married an African girl.                                
Although she had a hole                                     
Which was blacker than coal,                                
To a Negro it looked like a pearl.                          
                                                            
62692 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1979



The State Meat Inspector named Pete                         
Worked evenings for Madam Lafitte,                          
Where he checked every twat                                 
For decay and for rot,                                      
And he passed on each customer's meat.                      
                                                            
62693 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1628



She looked quite a lot like a locust,                       
And her eyes appeared clearly unfocused.                    
And I will assert                                           
When she lifted her skirt                                   
You could count all the zits on her tokus.                  
                                                            
62694 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Jim Weaver Collection    



On his bride a young fellow named Gene                      
Saw the very first cunt he had seen.                        
He could not comprehend                                     
How to start or to end,                                     
Nor what things he should do in between.                    
                                                            
62695 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2969



When I saw her walk in the buff,                            
She had a clean edge to her muff.                           
It looked quite impure;                                     
So I just wasn't sure                                       
It was wise to inject in that stuff.                        
                                                            
62696 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY                               



There was a young man from Weehauken                        
Whose manly girth kept the girls squawkin'.                 
He met more that his match                                  
In a cavernous black snatch,                                
And now his manhood's prone to balkin'.                     
                                                            
62697 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Bruce Thompson           



A photographer once took a shot                             
Of a mole on his landlady's twat.                           
He printed it big,                                          
So it looked like a MIG                                     
Firing down to a bottomless slot.                           
                                                            
62698 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      ROE                      



A Dutchman, concerned, named Vandyke,                       
Observed an old maid on her bike.                           
As she stopped for a pee,                                   
And he cried, knowingly,                                    
"Oh my God, we must plug up the dyke!"                      
                                                            
62699 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0635



They still talk of the virgin, Tom Bell,                    
Who had asked Maggie Mae for a smell.                       
But what greeted his eyes,                                  
As she parted her thighs,                                   
Made him run like a bat out of hell.                        
                                                            
62700 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Frank Sfa                



My mother lay there in great strain;                        
She bore me, it gave me great pain.                         
I looked at that tunnel,                                    
That sure was no fun. Hell,                                 
I'm not going up there again.                               
                                                            
62701 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY                               



Jo Mary, a girl who's from  Eccles;                         
A shag with her costs fifty shekels.                        
For though she was pretty,                                  
It was a great pity                                         
That her muff was all scabs and freckles.                   
                                                            
62702 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY                               



A young man with a tone of assurance                        
Made a date with a girl of allurance.                       
As he parted her hair                                       
He exclaimed in despair,                                    
"But I do not have sinkhole insurance!"                     
                                                            
62703 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-2937



The girl that was dating young Max                          
Proceeded to take off her slacks.                           
He said, somewhat blunt,                                    
"It looks like your cunt                                    
Was made by the slash of an ax."                            
                                                            
62704 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0533



"I don't like the look of your thatch,                      
Although I could do with a scratch;                         
But dammit my pants                                         
Are advancing.  A chance                                    
I shall just have to take with your snatch."                
                                                            
62705 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY                               



There's an ungly old matron, Miss Bliss,                    
Who's desperately wanting a piss.                           
She straddles her feet                                      
'Cross the drain, gives our Pete                            
An eyeful he'd much rather miss.                            
                                                            
62706 SNATCHES - VIEWED - SCARY      Tiddy Ogg                



This monstrous intergalactic                                
Man wearing a green prophylactic,                           
Claimed he was a Wiz --                                     
The truth is that his                                       
Performance was anticlimactic.                              
                                                            
62707 SPACE - ALIENS                 Marlene Lewis            



There once was a creature from space,                       
Who had arse where he should have had face.                 
An eye was an ear,                                          
Balls hung from the rear,                                   
But his willy was in the right place.                       
                                                            
62708 SPACE - ALIENS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A lumpy green amorph named Schlock,                         
Ate a plasgun the size of a rock.                           
With a belch from his tum,                                  
And an ominous hum,                                         
He loved to give bad guys a shock.                          
                                                            
62709 SPACE - ALIENS                 Anon                     



Mary Jane is a lady from Mars;                              
Came to Earth on a ship from the stars.                     
But she couldn't blend in                                   
Nor conceal where she'd been,                               
'Cause she needed three cups on her bras.                   
                                                            
62710 SPACE - ALIENS                 Parker Waterman     P0108



She came with her paramour Rock                             
Who wore a size 17 sock.                                    
But what made him unique,                                   
Some might say a freak,                                     
Was his need for a four chambered jock.                     
                                                            
62711 SPACE - ALIENS                 Parker Waterman     P0108



They gave peep shows for profit and fun                     
And Guiness's listing they've won                           
Mary Jane has been billed                                   
As man's wishes fulfilled,                                  
And he's billed as pawn shop plus one.                      
                                                            
62712 SPACE - ALIENS                 Parker Waterman     P0108



Some callers to Art Bell are weird;                         
Some funny, some crazy, some feared.                        
Conspiracies abound,                                        
And most are unsound,                                       
Like those where the aliens appeared...                     
                                                            
62713 SPACE - ALIENS                 RenWa                    



There was a young scoundrel called Ace,                     
Whose nose was all over his face.                           
Whenever he blew it,            (When he blew this beauty)  
It played, "How d'ya do it"     (It played 'Howdy Doody',)  
And contacted life forms in space.                          
                                                            
62714 SPACE - ALIENS                 Stene Svensson           



He told her his name was Chester                            
And said he wouldn't molest her.                            
In Cassiopia                                                
He'd sing Ave Maria,                                        
For his job as head court jester.                           
                                                            
62715 SPACE - ALIENS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a student from far-off Reticulum:                      
(Dismayed by their crazy curriculum)                        
"They teach UFOs, Phi,                                      
And a rational Pi --                                        
I hear Asimov's set to ridicule 'em!"                       
                                                            
62716 SPACE - ALIENS                 James Randi         P8211



E.T.'s craft came down out of heaven;                       
At night, it was half past eleven.                          
When I saw him get out,                                     
I said with a shout,                                        
"You look like NGC-457!"                                    
                                                            
62717 SPACE - ALIENS                 Tom Campbell             



Of aliens, I thought I had proof                            
When a UFO lit on my roof.                                  
But they told me their plan                                 
Was to rid Earth of Man --                                  
And the next thing I knew, I went POOF!                     
                                                            
62718 SPACE - ALIENS                 Eyd                      



I once met this little green man,                           
Not quite half as tall as I am.                             
It struck me as sick                                        
When he picked up my dick                                   
And said, "Fill up this 5 gallon can."                      
                                                            
62719 SPACE - ALIENS                 Fgo                      



While scanning one night into space,                        
I espied an echoey trace.                                   
My microwave MMIC's                                         
Thus silenced the cynics,                                   
Who may yet see an alien race.                              
(what is a MMIC - SETI should know better)                  
62720 SPACE - ALIENS                 Neil Wyman               



"Take this," said an alien from space,                      
And gave me ten warps in a case.                            
"It's a gift from the moon,                                 
Where I found it at noon.                                   
One suspects it was left there apace.                       
(apace - quickly)                                           
62721 SPACE - ALIENS                 Mike O'Conner            



While searching the heavens one day                         
In the merry old month they call May,                       
Spielberg found ET;                                         
Was happy's can be,                                         
But sadly, it then ran away.                                
                                                            
62722 SPACE - ALIENS                 Tom Campbell & Jerry Pool



Word came once from a planet called Goop;                   
It sent out a small ship for our group.                     
They would learn our strange ways,                          
But what Goop failed to say,                                
Was that Goop from our group would make soup.               
                                                            
62723 SPACE - ALIENS                 Karen A Romanko          



They say that a girl named Maizie                           
Saw a UFO and went crazy,                                   
When a little green man,                                    
Got into her van.                                           
The rest of her story is hazy.                              
                                                            
62724 SPACE - ALIENS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



My eyes are deceiving me now                                
My Captain, he stands in the prow.                          
His ship has returned                                       
The aliens spurned -                                        
And soon he will fart like a cow!                           
                                                            
62725 SPACE - ALIENS                                          



There was an alien from outer space,                        
Who came to join the human race.                            
It searched the scenery                                     
For the greenery,                                           
But of it, it found not a trace!                            
                                                            
62726 SPACE - ALIENS                 Art Hur                  



I hope that I never again                                   
Cross paths with those little gren men.                     
The made me disrobe                                         
And then gave me the probe.                                 
Would they thus have treated John Glenn?                    
                                                            
62727 SPACE - ALIENS                 Phil T                   



I still may be stuck in November;                           
I'm on Mars, not on Earth, just remember.                   
Our calendar's Dorian,                                      
Twice as long as Gregorian,                                 
Means we're just coming up on December.                     
                                                            
62728 SPACE - ALIENS                 Friar              TP9802



I gaze at the star-sprinkled sky,                           
And ask, "Is there one such as I                            
In an alien place,                                          
Staring off into space,                                     
Searching with strange wistful sigh?"                       
                                                            
62729 SPACE - ALIENS                 Lissa McCollum           



Though the aliens plead and beseech,                        
There are things you must keep out of reach.                
No, not alcohol --                                          
It has no clout at all --                                   
But watch out when they get into bleach.                    
                                                            
62730 SPACE - ALIENS                 John Miller 0350         



No A.L.F. take his hooch on the rocks,   (alien life form)  
And water, he feels the grog shocks.                        
When he orders himself,                                     
He goes straight for "Top Shelf",                           
Drinking eighteen year old neat Clorox.                     
                                                            
62731 SPACE - ALIENS                 Irish                    



A gorgeous and shapely young alien,                         
Who was quite beyond question mammalian,                    
Once slipped on a stair                                     
And fell through the air,                                   
And her proof of it stuck in the railien.                   
                                                            
62732 SPACE - ALIENS                                     G2567



Past intergalactic contactors,                              
While still quite significant factors                       
In theories Un-Daniken,                                     
Though off-again on-again,                                  
Turned out to be modern contractors.                        
                                                            
62733 SPACE - ALIENS                 Paul Niquette            



The ticket said "One Way to Yuggoth"                        
And the pilot was a big purple moth.                        
My brain, out of place,                                     
Was put it in a case;                                       
They screamed awhile and took off.                          
                                                            
62734 SPACE - ALIENS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a season in Neptune's affairs                       
When the lovers get frozen in pairs.                        
Though the sunshine's appealin'                             
Towards perihelion,                                         
It's for Winter they all say their prayers.                 
                                                            
62735 SPACE - ALIENS                 Brian Aldiss        G2594



After decades of watching our stations                      
Pump out programs in radio ration,                          
Makes cosmic inquisitors                                    
Most unlikely space visitors,                               
To a world where there's human relations.                   
                                                            
62736 SPACE - ALIENS                 Paul Niquette            



The people in other dimensions                              
Have organs with hyperextensions.                           
They can sneak up on you                                    
And give you a screw                                        
Before you've even divined their intentions.                
                                                            
62737 SPACE - ALIENS                                     G2583



It seems creatures from outer space                         
Created our whimsical race.                                 
Their test does resolve                                     
How life does evolve                                        
Now they're the ones who're out of place.                   
                                                            
62738 SPACE - ALIENS                 Darryl                   



There once was a thing called E. T.                         
With a dick that looked quite like a tree.                  
When they asked, "Does it stretch?"                         
The poor alien wretch                                       
Bliked its eyes and said, "No, it beats me."                
                                                            
62739 SPACE - ALIENS                 Neal Wilgus         P8511



A man of the bible once swore                               
An alien had come to his door.                              
He went to the sink                                         
Where he had a quick drink,                                 
And then widdled all over the floor!                        
                                                            
62740 SPACE - ALIENS                 Anon                     



The psychic predictions are hot!                            
They know about our future plot.                            
The UFO's land;                                             
All babies are planned!                                     
They tell us just what will be -- NOT!                      
                                                            
62741 SPACE - ALIENS                 Marlene                  



"Now you humans are black, brown or white                   
And to rhyme those is almost too trite!                     
Can you take in stride                                      
My bright purple hide?                                      
'Betcha cannot solve THAT one tonight!"                     
                                                            
62742 SPACE - ALIENS                                          



The aliens fly you to space,                                
With tact and discretion and grace;                         
They'll make your excuses                                   
And run little ruses --                                     
And all to make sure you save face.                         
                                                            
62743 SPACE - ALIENS                 Susan B Harris           



I once met a little green man;                              
He said he was a Green Bay fan.                             
The size of a pint,                                         
But I saw a Green Giant                                     
When he unzipped his little green pants.                    
                                                            
62744 SPACE - ALIENS                 Theresa                  



A girl of Terrestrial race                                  
Tamed a terrible monster of space.                          
Though its kind lacked a dong,                              
She took it along,                                          
For it tentacles served in that place.                      
                                                            
62745 SPACE - ALIENS                                     G2640



Misanthropic Zarg had a place                               
Away from the rest of his race.                             
A mapper of stars,                                          
An expert on Mars,                                          
He's really quite happy in space.                           
                                                            
62746 SPACE - ALIENS                 S. Dale             P8211



When the aliens paid a visit last night,                    
Their musings gave me quite a fright:                       
"Chuck the whole Earth away?                                
No, I say we spray!"                                        
"But will that stop this damned Human blight?"              
                                                            
62747 SPACE - ALIENS                 John Miller 0345         



I once wrote to SETI, last Spring,                          
Believing I could find the thing                            
Which eludes all who try,                                   
Scanning sounds from the sky,                               
And the message from THEM I would bring.                    
                                                            
62748 SPACE - ALIENS                 Ystap                    



Alien spacecraft, it's said,                                
Abducts humans from out of their bed.                       
They must have an obsession                                 
With mental regression,                                     
Since they take those not right in the head.                
                                                            
62749 SPACE - ALIENS                 Arthur Deex         P9506



An alien, anthropomorphic,                                  
Quite handsome, but definitely dworphic                     
Had not one wife, but three...                              
And 'twas rumored that he                                   
As a lover was slightly terrorphic.                         
                                                            
62750 SPACE - ALIENS                                     G2570



While repairing my new LNA,                                 
An alien had something to say.                              
I was not off long,                                         
And then he was gone                                        
And he hasn't been heard to this day.                       
(what an LNA?)                                              
62751 SPACE - ALIENS                                          



A man from outer space                                      
Said, "I'm from a superior race.                            
You're all inferior                                         
While I am superior."                                       
Then he tripped and fell flat on his face.                  
                                                            
62752 SPACE - ALIENS                 Spike Milligan           



With what horror comes news from Le Mans!                   
There today an immense spaceship lands!                     
And the beings inside                                       
Are giant snails--woe betide!                               
Who dine upon Frenchmen in cans!                            
                                                            
62753 SPACE - ALIENS                 Vassar W. Smith     P9308



I once "knew" a little green man,                           
Who made me a kinky sex fan.                                
But in times of repose,                                     
He kept picking his nose,                                   
So I threw him out in the trash can.                        
                                                            
62754 SPACE - ALIENS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A man with a chlorine-green sheen                           
Came to Dublin in a saucer machine.                         
His green darkened up                                       
When he sat down to sup                                     
On a tureen of poteen with Kathleen.                        
                                                            
62755 SPACE - ALIENS                 June Sullivan       P8312



Telepathic old alien Fred,                                  
Was arrested on Mars when he said:                          
"It's a source of great mirth                               
That a creature on Earth                                    
To converse, uses holes in its head."                       
                                                            
62756 SPACE - ALIENS                 Cybergeezer              



Life on Mars? In the quest, science falters;                
With each probe, the scenario alters.                       
Are they huge hulking masses?                               
Or eggplants with glasses?                                  
My hope is for Mars babes in halters.                       
                                                            
62757 SPACE - ALIENS                 Rowdy Jack               



I saw a bright glow from down there;                        
The sky lit and gave me a scare.                            
I thought "We're invaded!"                                  
But then the light faded,                                   
The wind changed and fouled the air!!!                      
                                                            
62758 SPACE - ALIENS                                          



A UFO flying over the base,                                 
Was shot at as it came down from space.                     
The R.A.F. played a                                         
Tape of the invader,                                        
Which said, "We gotta leave from this place!"               
                                                            
62759 SPACE - ALIENS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



An extraterristrial being                                   
Had noses adapted for seeing.                               
And smelled with an ear,                                    
But used eyeballs to hear                                   
What folks screamed up his nostrils while fleeing!          
                                                            
62760 SPACE - ALIENS                 Prof M-G                 



We cannot know where in the sky                             
A signal is lurking, or why.                                
We will search even though                                  
The chances are low.                                        
The payoff is well worth a try.                             
                                                            
62761 SPACE - ALIENS                                          



An alien Hiftlorss named Xirth                              
Let fifty spacemen in her berth.                            
She had fifty cunts                                         
With vibrating shunts --                                    
A cluster-fuck like none on Earth!                          
                                                            
62762 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Soon the whole crew had stiff poles,                        
Her twats started smoking like coals.                       
When each little sac room                                   
Went slam on full vacuum,                                   
And sucked all their balls through their holes.             
                                                            
62763 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



At light speed, when nookies a-drought,                     
Just let an old adage go South.                             
If you may choose,                                          
Don't cunt-shoot your ooze;                                 
Best gook a Hiftlorss in the mouth.                         
                                                            
62764 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



An alien Hiftlorss named Ned                                
Took twenty-five space-girls to bed.                        
He had fifty pricks --                                      
They stuck out like sticks --                               
Around his torso they spread.                               
                                                            
62765 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Each wang was a foot long and thin --                       
The tips like the head of a pin.                            
The girls smiled in shock,                                  
For each skinny cock                                        
Could vibrate and pulsate and spin.                         
                                                            
62766 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



The flat little glanses, mere dots,                         
Did tickle the depths of their pots.                        
Occasionally one tip                                        
Would get a good grip --                                    
They'd puff up like doggy-dick knots.                       
                                                            
62767 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Each mounted a wand from the front,                         
Then pulled off a wonderful stunt:                          
Neds extra score-five,                                      
Each got a face dive --                                     
They had one for mouth, one for cunt.                       
                                                            
62768 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Soon each choad entered full bloom,                         
Displacing both glottis and womb.                           
The girls were all stuck,                                   
When tragedy struck:                                        
Hiftlorsses must come in vacuum.                            
                                                            
62769 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Ned needed suction intense,                                 
The better his spuz to dispense.                            
The girls got a shock:                                      
On top the air lock                                         
Ned drug them, all stuck to his splints.                    
                                                            
62770 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Honking like horns made of brass,                           
The Hiftlorss let out all the gas.                          
Pussies a-schism,                                           
The alien jism                                              
Erupted and slew them en masse.                             
                                                            
62771 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



The moral, from adage is snatched.                          
Be sure that your species is matched.                       
A curious schtup                                            
Could blow your right up.                                   
Best count your dicks fore they are latched.                
                                                            
62772 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H Whelchel               



After you've read theis, dear crew,                         
You'll know that my mind has now blew.                      
I beg you not crack                                         
Like I have, alack!                                         
Just light off a flame when you're through...               
                                                            
62773 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H Welchel                



Another old Hiftlorss named Xat                             
Was mongously purple and fat.                               
(Most Hiftlorss, my lads,                                   
Have fifty gonads,                                          
And dangerous gonads at that.)                              
                                                            
62774 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



The trogg they have named this third sex,                   
Whose sex pockets do a strange flex:                        
They turn half in-out.                                      
Small glanses they sprout,                                  
All mounted on pistil-like necks.                           
                                                            
62775 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



They don't exactly come in huge fits --                     
Its like a great oozing of zits.                            
The dick-things just drool --                               
The cunt-holes stay cool,                                   
While pheromones fizz from their pits.                      
                                                            
62776 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



The troggies of Hiftlorss are spoiled --                    
Their delicate limbs never soiled.                          
They're worshipped like queens,                             
And fed on rare beans,                                      
And sung to, and massaged, and oiled.                       
                                                            
62777 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Their purpose is not to be had,                             
But only fart just a tad,                                   
And watch others feek,                                      
And let off a reek                                          
That drives lorsses sexually mad.                           
                                                            
62778 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



(Feek is a Hiftlorss grand stunt,                           
Where every hose bastes every bundt.                        
To dance in a swirl,                                        
And go round the world --                                   
That's fifty squared ways to dip cunt!)                     
                                                            
62779 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



But if your good trogg is quite pleased,                    
With you and your partners fine deeds,                      
It rolls on its rear,                                       
And lets you draw near,                                     
And lick, but not suck, from its reeds.                     
                                                            
62780 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H Whelchel               



The troggs are a mendicant caste                            
Who travel in ships vast and fast.                          
There are only a few,                                       
And couples must queue                                      
To wait for their turn to get gassed.                       
                                                            
62781 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Now Xat was to spend a full week                            
In Xirths county, augmenting feek.                          
It went to Xirth's home,                                    
And sat on the throne,                                      
Reserved for a trogg's just to peek.                        
                                                            
62782 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Now Xirth was a jaded old whore --                          
Even feek was becoming a bore.                              
She massaged old Xat                                        
And took notice that                                        
It had fifty nads plus two more.                            
                                                            
62783 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



A freak clearly was just the thing                          
To give Xirths old coot-holes a zing.                       
She felt them grow warm,                                    
And sooner than norm,                                       
She summoned her partner to fling.                          
                                                            
62784 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Their feek was quite splendid to heed --                    
A twenty-five hundred shot deed!                            
Xirths love-tubes were sore                                 
Yet still she craved more --                                
Xat beckoned the lovers to feed.                            
                                                            
62785 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



Each fragment drop of Xats dew                              
The lovers through trembling lips drew.                     
But on fifty one,                                           
Xats tip-bud had none,                                      
And likewise none on fifty two.                             
                                                            
62786 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



The townsfolk then broke out their sticks,                  
And struck them with brickbats and kicks,                   
Until they were raw.                                        
For this is the law:                                        
You can' teach an old dog new tricks.                       
                                                            
62787 SPACE - ALIENS - HIFTLORSS     H WHELCHEL               



An innocent maiden from Brighton,                           
Had a night that was rather excitin':                       
She was raped by a Slan,                                    
Three Martians, one man,                                    
And a slimy green monster from Titan.                       
                                                            
62788 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2576



On a planetoid far from the sun,                            
They scoff at a mere hole-in-one.                           
"By Mars!  Also Thor!"                                      
They exclaim, "You can't score,                             
Till you hit a whole orbit-in-one."                         
                                                            
62789 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Ruth Berman         P8211



While traveling out through the stars,                      
I met a four-armed Thark from Mars.                         
Don't cuddle a Thark                                        
And don't ever park --                                      
They know 'bout the back seats of cars!                     
                                                            
62790 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                                  



When we've tired of our human race,                         
And we send our ladies to space,                            
If they meet alien dude                                     
Who's a little bit rude,                                    
They'll be better off nude, than in lace.                   
                                                            
62791 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Grzegorz Gigol      P0011



The Alien race known as Zong,                               
All hail from the planet of Mong.                           
Their crowned head, a pearl,                                
Is Mong's only girl --                                      
And bi -- but she's only known dong.                        
                                                            
62792 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                                  



I once met an alien woman,                                  
Who went down on me, purring and humming.                   
She sucked on my weiner                                     
Like a shop vacuum cleaner;                                 
She blew both my mind and my plumbing!                      
                                                            
62793 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Bob Ward            T9801



I once met this little green man                            
Who was banging a gal in a van.                             
He pulled out in time,                                      
That dirty green slime,                                     
And then he came red in a can!                              
                                                            
62794 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Bubba              TP9804



A green thing from Saturn's third moon,                     
Was beating his hardy harpoon.                              
He had all six hands                                        
On three of his glans,                                      
And therefore he came much to soon.                         
                                                            
62795 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Irish                    



On account of its orbital sloth,                            
A lover on Ceres is loath                                   
To propagate coldly                                         
Or fornicate boldly,                                        
So sometimes he simply does both.                           
                                                            
62796 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Brian Aldiss        G2590



A clever young person of Saturn                             
Made dough, don't you know, as a slattern.                  
Its sex could be changed,                                   
And limbs rearranged,                                       
In any desirable pattern.                                   
                                                            
62797 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Rod Walker          P8211



There was an old witch, name of Jessie,                     
Whose crotch was all smelly and messy.                      
She enjoyed a good squirm                                   
With an alien worm,                                         
And got staining all over her dressy.                       
                                                            
62798 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Jim Weaver Collection    



Beware the green man from Mars.                             
He picks up Earth girls in bars.                            
At first they are tickled,                                  
But later he's pickled                                      
Their pussies and packed them in jars.                      
                                                            
62799 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Tom Patton          P9606



Their fifty pricks, flaccid and loose,                      
Are vestigal and without use.                               
Considered great beauties,                                  
They love to make tooties                                   
From skin-glands that sound like a goose.                   
                                                            
62800 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                                  



She got bored with her own masturbation,                    
'Cause she was a nuclear mutation.                          
And she had five cunts,                                     
But did six guys at once,                                   
'Cause her mouth was an extra fuck station.                 
                                                            
62801 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Jim Weaver Collection    



A flying saucer which travelled through space               
Carried Schmeds (that's an alien race).                     
When it landed, one Schmed                                  
Stuck out his heads and said,                               
"Earthling, take me to Linda Lovelace."                     
                                                            
62802 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Michael Weinstein   P8606



On Venus, where love's an addiction,                        
An orgasm's brought on by friction                          
Of toes against toes,                                       
Or nose against nose,                                       
And that's what I call science fiction.                     
                                                            
62803 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Isaac Asimov             



On the innermost Saturnian ring                             
I found me a very good thing:                               
She had two good cunts,                                     
And knew many stunts--                                      
For instance, with one she could sing!                      
                                                            
62804 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2641



There was a green blob from Venus                           
Who's body resembled a penis.                               
It was thirty inches long,                                  
And could be off of King Kong,                              
But it looked like it'd gone gangrenous.                    
                                                            
62805 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Funny Bone               



A half-male descendant of Thaurus                           
Met women who shouted, "Don't bore us,                      
It's bullshit to say                                        
That you master a lay                                       
When you never can manage to floor us."                     
                                                            
62806 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Bill Backe-Hansen   P9102



An unfortunate space creature named Tapp                    
Has a horrible case of the clap.                            
His tentacles itch,                                         
His antenna twitch,                                         
And he flips where he should flap.                          
                                                            
62807 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         M B Spitzler        P8308



Mercurians, female and male,                                
Whenever they tear off some tail,                           
Do all of their lovin'                                      
Inside an oven,                                             
And think of us Earthlings as frail.                        
                                                            
62808 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Brian W. Aldiss     G2627



I once met this little green man,                           
Who did this weird thing with his hand                      
Up my girlfriend's dress.                                   
He screamed "What a mess.                                   
Need acid to get this off my hand!"                         
                                                            
62809 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Andrew             TP9804



The Flying Men coming from Jupiter                          
Have sexual habits far stupider                             
Than ours when we're shady:                                 
Their way with a lady                                       
Is nothing but looping-the-loopiter.                        
                                                            
62810 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2606



A girl from the twin suns of Xentacles                      
Was attacked by a thing with six tentacles.                 
It was big as a moose                                       
But she promptly got loose                                  
By kicking it right in the gentacles.                       
                                                            
62811 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2653



Said the Alien, "This is goodbye!"                          
And it left without telling me why.                         
But "It" was a "her"                                        
And there's lavender fur                                    
Caught up in the teeth of my fly.                           
                                                            
62812 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         John Miller 0353         



Our ambassador to Venus, Ms. Abner,                         
Hoped the lesbian Veenies would be havin' her.              
But to her surprise                                         
They crossed all six thighs,                                
While the masculine Weenies were grabbin' her.              
                                                            
62813 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2565



The was an alien from Mars                                  
Who loved to try on ladies bras.                            
It was a fetish he had                                      
Since he was a wee lad,                                     
And he liked to hang round in gay bars.                     
                                                            
62814 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Jim Weaver Collection    



Well, I'm from the planet Zanussi;                          
I left there 'cause the girls were too choosy.              
But down here on Earth,                                     
Of girls there's no dearth,                                 
Who never refuse juicy pussy.                               
                                                            
62815 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                                  



There was a young girl from Barsoom                         
Who took a Thark up to her room.                            
He was three times her size,                                
And proportioned likewise,                                  
But in no time she lowered his boom.                        
                                                            
62816 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2573



The woman who lives on the moon,                            
Is still cherishing the balloon                             
Of an earthling who'd come,                                 
And given her some,                                         
But had dribbled away all too soon.                         
                                                            
62817 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             L0325



There was a young lady of Thune,                            
Who was blocked by the man in the Moon.                     
"Well, it has been great fun,"                              
She remarked when he'd done,                                
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."                     
                                                            
62818 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Norman Douglas      L0338



There was a young lady from Venus,                          
Who came here to find her a penis.                          
She's tired of fusion                                       
With the male Venutian'                                     
Who's not one to care about cleanness.                      
                                                            
62819 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         MrMalo                   



The sex-maddened native of Mars                             
Don't make out with women in cars.                          
Instead, it's their custom                                  
To rush in and bust 'em                                     
On the floors of cafes and in bars.                         
                                                            
62820 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2628



The lecherous men of Altair                                 
Fuck sitting upright in a chair.                            
So when you are seated                                      
And joyously greeted--                                      
Beware, Earth woman, beware!                                
                                                            
62821 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2569



The Mercurian male, although elfin,                         
Is unable to thrust all himself in                          
Throughout the hot season                                   
For one  private reason--                                   
A cunt at 2000 degrees Kelvin.                              
                                                            
62822 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2584



I like a trans-stellar hedgehop.                            
My spaceship is still in the shop.                          
But soon I'll get wierd                                     
With twats multi-tiered,                                    
And pricks grown in vats by the crop.                       
                                                            
62823 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         H WHELCHEL               



A horny misguided Westphalian                               
Once tried to make love to an alien.                        
It said, "Dude, I can't hear,                               
Get that out of my ear;                                     
Use my nose if you're Q'xxr or mammalian.                   
                                                            
62824 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         John Miller              



The ladies inhabiting Venus                                 
Have signaled us saying they've seen us.                    
They add, "There's a yen here                               
For getting some men here --                                
And nothing but space is between us."                       
                                                            
62825 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             P8211



There once was a fellow from Venus,                         
Whose head had the shape of a penis.                        
Said he, "If you please,                                    
Since they don't help me breathe,                           
No condoms should come in between us.                       
                                                            
62826 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         DSTARK@EZNET.NET         



A Jovian harlot named Dalve                                 
Would smear her thorax with salve,                          
Then sit on the bed                                         
And pull in her head                                        
And offer her pectoral valve.                               
                                                            
62827 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         S. Dale             P8211



The Plutonian male is so small,                             
He lives in the vaginal wall                                
Of his mate. Yes, 'tis so!       (He dreams of seductions)  
But he likes it, you know,       (Wild rapes and abductions)
And chacun a son gout, after all.                           
(Much like you and me, after all.)                          
62828 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2595



There once was a lady from Venus                            
Whose body was shaped like a penis;                         
The elephants thrilled                                      
To the way that she drilled                                 
Them and paid her with packets of peanuts.                  
                                                            
62829 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                                  



When a spaceship crashed in Decatur,                        
An alien crawled out of the crater,                         
Saying, "Let us adjourn,                                    
Take me to the intern,                                      
I'll go to see your leader later!"                          
                                                            
62830 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Observer           TP9901



There was a young man from Venus,                           
With a most unusual penis.                                  
It was green and strong,                                    
And seventeen feet long,                                    
And the way that he used it was heinous.                    
                                                            
62831 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                                  



There once was a woman from Venus,                          
Whose body was shaped like a penis.                         
On a dark winters night,                                    
She'll give us a fright,                                    
She'll shag us as soon as she's seen us.                    
                                                            
62832 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Jim Weaver Collection    



A nympho named Pussy McManus                                
Had a very good time on Uranus.                             
The native male's dong                                      
Is exceedingly long,                                        
So she took them by way of her anus.                        
                                                            
62833 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2626



There was a young spaceman from Venus,                      
Who had a prodigious penis.                                 
Cried his girl friend, "Alas!                               
It just came out my ass,                                    
And there's still fifteen inches between us."               
                                                            
62834 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2650



There once was a Duchess of York,                           
Who liked to get off with a fork.                           
She'd fork every day,                                       
In her hot Duchess way,                                     
Until she discovered the spork.                             
                                                            
62835 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                                  



In life, Isaac often would say,                             
That fine limericks are ribald and gay.                     
So when chasing ET's,                                       
At least pause, please, and tease,                          
Sexy aliens who happen your way.                            
                                                            
62836 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Nanette Asimov (niece)   



A strangely perverted old alien,                            
Made love to a pretty Westphalian,                          
Who remarked, "Boy, that's neat!                            
With two tongues on your meat,                              
You're more fun than an outback Australian."                
                                                            
62837 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         John Miller              



This man who got off of a rocket,                           
Carried eyeballs around in his pocket.                      
You wouldn't believe                                        
What he had up his sleeve,                                  
Or where he concealed its socket.                           
                                                            
62838 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         ML                       



Two monsters who haled from Uranus                          
Preferred to fuck each other's anus.                        
They said, "Earth girls are cute,                           
And they're willing, to boot,                               
But they're not deep enough to contain us.                  
                                                            
62839 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2648



I remember a time back on Venus                             
When a Venusian grabbed hold of my penis.                   
She gave it a twist                                         
With a flick of her wrist,                                  
And said, "Now let's get it between us!"                    
                                                            
62840 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY         Neal Wilgus         P8203



Under Venus's blanket of cloud                              
That hides it from Earth like a shroud,                     
Winged people cavort                                        
In sexual sport                                             
By methods of which they are proud.                         
                                                            
62841 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY                             G2580



The alien has dicks in his thumbs,                          
Which he puts in her ears when he comes.                    
He keeps them retracted                                     
For foreplay protracted,                                    
And sure gets a buzz when she hums.                         
                                                            
62842 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES John Miller              



The alien's eyes are on stalks,                             
Which jiggle and dance when he talks.                       
He loves to give kisses                                     
With the part where he pisses,                              
And leaves a slime trail where he walks.                    
                                                            
62843 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES John Miller              



The female has tits on the tips                             
Of her tentacles, slender as whips.                         
When she wants to be kind,                                  
Slips them in behind,                                       
Where the male drinks in small dainty sips.                 
                                                            
62844 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES John Miller              



When the best mating rituals are staged,                    
You might think they were truly enraged.                    
But when she sticks her toes                                
All the way up his nose,                                    
It's a sure sign they're almost engaged.                    
                                                            
62845 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES John Miller              



Some aliens abducted me;                                    
They claim they just wanted to see                          
How my fingers work.                                        
I just missed the smirk.                                    
I'd know not that's where their mouth would be.             
                                                            
62846 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



They don't know my anatomy;                                 
That bit's not my finger, you see.                          
Those things are my toes;                                   
Wait! That is my nose!                                      
My body won't bend in a C.                                  
                                                            
62847 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



Please don't put that thing in my ear.                      
I know I did not volunteer                                  
To be tied in a knot                                        
By some little snot                                         
Who can't get his spaceship in gear.                        
                                                            
62848 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



You wait for the climactic ends;                            
You are disappointed, my friends!                           
I've no more to say                                         
Re: Alien Way,                                              
Or how it was I got the bends.                              
                                                            
62849 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



But little green men are the best;                          
They're screwier than all the rest.                         
They will last all night                                    
If you treat them right,                                    
And feed them with gas that's high test.                    
                                                            
62850 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I hope they weren't Hiftlorss, Marlene.                     
(They've got fifty dicks, but not green.)                   
If they're who you've met,                                  
I think you'll regret                                       
The pain, as through space you careen.                      
                                                            
62851 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



There once was a lad name of Nigel,                         
Seduced by an alien from Rigel.                             
To sounds of great mirth,                                   
He later gave birth                                         
To a seven pound tube of KY-gel.                            
                                                            
62852 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Nigel Pendall            



Seven pounds? Wow, that must've hurt.                       
Next time ignore the alien flirt!                           
But look on the bright side --                              
You'll be able to slide                                     
Anywhere, with just one little squirt!                      
                                                            
62853 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Kaylin Brandon           



This week I am seeking a crew                               
To blast off and find something new.                        
Perhaps you could steer                                     
Or just volunteer                                           
To mop up the semen and spew.                               
                                                            
62854 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



I am not nearly up to your standard;                        
I've only just got my new lander.                           
The crew is a penis                                         
Who claims she's from venus;                                
We're going out to philander.                               
                                                            
62855 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Karen                    



We'll drop by and leave you some parts;                     
If you need gas, we'll save you our farts.                  
We both are real bitchin'                                   
And good in the kitchen.                                    
Save me some spew, I'll make tarts.                         
                                                            
62856 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Karen                    



Before we could vacuum or clean,                            
A glitch in our g-force machine                             
Allowed it to float.                                        
We manned the life-boat.                                    
(Ay! Sticky globs elephantine!)                             
                                                            
62857 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



We purged the whole ship my remotes.                        
Lo, into orbit it floats!                                   
Along with some grommets,                                   
Spew froze into comets                                      
Whose beauty our tour board promotes.                       
                                                            
62858 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES TuttaGioia               



I won't write about aliens again.                           
I forgot H has the amen.                                    
On alien guys                                               
He is awful wise.                                           
Do you think he is one of them?                             
                                                            
62859 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



Marlene, though I'm not of this realm,                      
I don't have the space limerick helm!                       
My special effects?                                         
Just farting and sex.                                       
(And dicks that are large as an elm).                       
                                                            
62860 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



Ask and you will get lims                                   
About aliens out on the rims                                
Of this well know space                                     
Or some other place.                                        
(I guess they are better than hymns.)                       
                                                            
62861 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I chat with John Carter of Mars                             
While heading outward to the stars.                         
He know about Tharks                                        
(Their amorous larks).                                      
He shares secrets re Thark boudoirs.                        
                                                            
62862 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



Because of their size (and they're green),                  
The rumors contend they are mean.                           
Don't listen to gossip,                                     
Do Mars on a field trip;                                    
They are the best guys I have seen!                         
                                                            
62863 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



They don't wear many clothes on Mars                        
(Their values are different from ours).                     
They wear leather straps                                    
Which are weapon wraps.                                     
For display give the Tharks all five stars!                 
                                                            
62864 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



No little green men; no, not these!                         
They're larger than H's elm trees.                          
The have got four arms                                      
And other large charms;                                     
Be careful if one gives a squeeze.                          
                                                            
62865 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



As warriors Tharks often are brusk;                         
They might put you off with a tusk.                         
But just persevere;                                         
They'll lend you an ear.                                    
They're amorous right after dusk.                           
                                                            
62866 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



They'll tickle your ear with a tongue,                      
(their mouths are extremely well hung.)                     
They'll drive you insane;                                   
They'll fog up your brain.                                  
They'll play you until you're unstrung.                     
                                                            
62867 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



They've wonderful amorous powers!                           
They can keep it up till all hours.                         
You'd best be prepared                                      
To become impaired --                                       
You might be the one he devours.                            
                                                            
62868 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I thought skipping Vulcan was best,                         
Although they cavort with great zest,                       
It's during pon farr,                                       
Each one's an all-star;                                     
Their feelings otherwise are suppressed.                    
                                                            
62869 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I went further out into space --                            
Was seeking an alien race                                   
Much different than us,                                     
That we could discuss.                                      
Or just one that I could embrace.                           
                                                            
62870 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I came across creatures quite strange,                      
But ranked in the humanoid range.                           
I just could not mesh                                       
With some blobs of flesh;                                   
Body parts did not interchange.                             
                                                            
62871 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I've been 'round the alien block,                           
Seen all kinds of alien cock.                               
Didn't think that I oughta                                  
Mix with a Horta;                                           
It's sort of like screwing a rock!                          
                                                            
62872 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I found the Ferengi too cheap;                              
Their love prices are very steep.                           
They must make a profit                                     
If they're going to boff it.                                
You don't pay? They won't take the leap.                    
                                                            
62873 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



One being that may have been virile                         
Unfortunately he was named Cyril.                           
He reminded me                                              
To some small degree                                        
Of refrigerator mold gone feral.                            
                                                            
62874 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



Still deeper in space did I travel                          
Until time began to unravel.                                
At the Universe's end,                                      
Stars began to blend,                                       
And planets were the size of gravel.                        
                                                            
62875 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



I had to return double-quick;                               
The beings out there made me sick.                          
'Cause they smelled so bad,                                 
I was really glad                                           
To return to Sol's bailiwick.                               
                                                            
62876 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Marlene                  



An alien, Farrtta the Hutt,                                 
Could stuff angry whores up his butt.                       
When felch became calm,                                     
He'd fart like a bomb.                                      
"I'll put her in orbit, the slut."                          
                                                            
62877 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



Gathering a crown to enthrall,                              
He farted five hookers from Gaul.                           
The show, though, was stolen;                               
They pulled out his colon,                                  
And bounced to and fro like his balls.                      
                                                            
62878 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



Now ladies and gents of the press,                          
I've got an announcement, I guess.                          
Here's Mary -- I'll marry                                   
Her soon and she carries                                    
A Sprog, which has caused us distress.                      
                                                            
62879 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Last April, it was a full moon,                             
We lay in a sheltering sand dune.                           
A strange thing we saw                                      
Come down like a sau-                                       
Cer and we heard a strange tune.                            
                                                            
62880 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



A photo I took of it too;                                   
It's here, see, I'll show it to you.                        
And then... you say what?                                   
It surely is not                                            
A hub cap on some sticks of bamboo.                         
                                                            
62881 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



And out of it came a strange bug-                           
Eyed thing which gave Mary a drug,                          
And dragged her away,                                       
'Til nearly next day;                                       
When she came back, she was nude as a slug.                 
                                                            
62882 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



I grabbed her, still wearing no socks,                      
And took her along to the doc's.                            
He checked her, a grunt,                                    
As he looked up her cunt.                                   
"She's fine, still a virgin, no pox."                       
                                                            
62883 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



I got the old duffer to sign                                
A paper declaring her fine.                                 
A virga intacta;                                            
Like, no man had facta,                                     
See here, here's his sig on the line.                       
                                                            
62884 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



But soon her belly was swellin',                            
And doubt in my mind was a wellin'.                         
But nine months have passed;                                
The kids here at last,                                      
But that lads, is all that I'm tellin'.                     
                                                            
62885 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



You fellows, this story's a fact.                           
No questions now, one thing is lacked.                      
My name is is Yusif;                                        
I want an exclusive,                                        
A five hundred k buck contract.                             
                                                            
62886 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Okay Ellen, now we're alone.                                
It seems we got blood from a stone.                         
The contract's been signed.                                 
Now if you don't mind,                                      
Call Mary, twin sis on the phone.                           
                                                            
62887 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



And tell her, her brats filled its diaper,                  
And Jesus, the scumbag smells riper                         
Than a month-long dead skunk.                               
Then we must do a hunk,                                     
Before all those pressmen go hyper.                         
                                                            
62888 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



From deep space it came, in sec splittious;                 
It's breasts looked suspiciously tittious;                  
'Twas a she, I deduced                                      
When my pecker got fused                                    
With a wet part, decidedly clittious.                       
                                                            
62889 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Dirruk                   



Her lust for sex was so voracious,                          
We spent all our time copulacious.                          
But soon we were stopped,                                   
For each planet we hopped,                                  
Grew in no time too damn populacious.                       
                                                            
62890 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Dirruk                   



The Mool came to earth in Tangiers,                         
An alien race with big ears.                                
Their stature was small --                                  
Nearly twelve inches tall --                                
In search of Earth music and beers.                         
                                                            
62891 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H Whelchel               



Moroccan brew? - thought it stank.                          
Afro Pop? -- sounded quite rank.                            
they met a black whore                                      
And asked, "Is there more?"                                 
She said, "Put on this Walkman and crank."                  
                                                            
62892 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



Amused with the Mool (who were drunk),                      
She played 'em some Hendrix and Monk.                       
Warm Guiness she poured.                                    
T. Monk they adored,                                        
And raved over Jimi's sweet funk.                           
                                                            
62893 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H Whelchel               



She let a Mool climb in her bin,                            
And crank up his Walkman to ten.                            
'Twas quite a snug fit --                                   
She cared not a bit                                         
As Voodoo Chile throbbed from within.                       
                                                            
62894 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



Now deep inside her crevasse,                               
(Thank God Mool have gills like a bass!)                    
The stout make him belch,                                   
Which tightened the felch,                                  
And built up a nice head of gas.                            
                                                            
62895 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



She came with a blast and they parted.                      
Flying through space the Mool darted.                       
She charged 'em no fee,                                     
Exclaiming with glee,                                       
A Mool and his Sony -- Poon-farted!                         
                                                            
62896 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES H WHELCHEL               



The alien seemed such a hunk,                               
She invited it into her bunk.                               
But it wasn't a phallus                                     
That slid into Alice,                                       
Oviposited eggs 'stead of gunk.                             
                                                            
62897 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES John Miller 0263         



Poor Alice is in a real dither;                             
She now doesn't know whether                                
To be mom or dad                                            
Thanks to the alien cad,                                    
But she's not just mad, now she's bitter.                   
                                                            
62898 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES Arden                    



Alien eggs are terribly obscene;                            
They're slimy and smelly and green.                         
They're not very pretty                                     
And also smell shitty.                                      
Poor Alice won't dare to be seen.                           
                                                            
62899 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES John Miller              



It isn't the eggs that determine                            
Obscenity: Rather the vermin                                
That pretty soon hatch                                      
And crawl out of her snatch,                                
And leave every inch of her squirmin'.                      
                                                            
62900 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES John Miller              



The nightjars the evening are hymning,                      
Our hopes, like the daylight are dimming,                   
For there on the green                                      
Is a sight most obscene.                                    
It's Martians, they're stealing our wimming!                
                                                            
62901 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



They've come down in monstrous great saucers;               
They've anchored them down with huge hawsers.               
And little green men                                        
Come time and again,                                        
And Jesus, they're all hung like hawses.                    
                                                            
62902 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



They promise our gals satisfaction,                         
With glorious zero-G action,                                
And to them they're flocking,                               
For alien focking,                                          
With no thought of fellas reaction.                         
                                                            
62903 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



But wait, look what now's come in view,                     
They're women, but such a strange hue;                      
One's coming this way...                                    
I feel I must stay,                                         
She's great, even if she's pale blue.                       
                                                            
62904 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



Her body is like Catherine Zeta                             
Jones, and her legs just like Rita                          
Hayworth's once was,                                        
And face like Francoise,                                    
That Hardy, than whom none was sweeta.                      
                                                            
62905 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



She washes and cooks and she cleans;                        
No more am I living on beans.                               
And best of her gimmicks,                                   
She speaks all in limricks,                                 
In tones like the Beeb's Charlotte Green's.                 
                                                            
62906 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



I once had an alien, Xexia,                                 
With conjoined sextuplet myslexia.                          
She'd six extra tonguelets                                  
Surrounding her bunglets.                                   
I've never found anything sexia.                            
                                                            
62907 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



Bung one had a suction appealing.                           
Bung two throbbed so hard I was squealing.                  
But little wet lingua                                       
To lick my fuzz thinga --                                   
Now that was a spunklicious feeling!                        
                                                            
62908 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



An alien, Xobbin from Xpice,                                
Whose quim is as tight as a vise,                           
Whose nips get sweet itches                                 
And turn on like switches,                                  
Is making me come way too nice.                             
                                                            
62909 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



She oozes a smell that's devine.                            
She brags on the heft of my tine.                           
She's got luscious lips                                     
That whisper sweet quips.                                   
(I've fallen in love with her mind.)                        
                                                            
62910 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



She's never a bore nor a yawn.                              
She'd not want to make me her pawn.                         
My life will be mirth                                       
If she moves to Earth.                                      
We might raise some interesting spawn.                      
                                                            
62911 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



The Xpice girls are known far and wide                      
For dancing and prancing astride                            
The cocks of their cousins.                                 
They gang up in dozens                                      
And ride because Xpice-Boy has died.                        
                                                            
62912 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



The females of Xpice are too hot                            
For tumescent males to be not.                              
So right to the end                                         
They spend and they spend,                                  
Expiring from too much good twat.                           
                                                            
62913 SPACE - ALIENS - HORNY -SERIES                          



There was a young Martian named Glyphe,                     
Who thought that the Earth might have life.                 
But his colleagues all said,                                
That the place was dead;                                    
"Its air can be cut with a knife."                          
                                                            
62914 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Tom Campbell             



Though the music of love is Schuberty,                      
Love itself here is sordidly dirty.                         
Asteroid men are all queer                                  
Till their ninety-ninth year,                               
While the menopause strikes at puberty.                     
                                                            
62915 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Brian Aldiss        G2589



That little blue man from Uranus                            
Has hands than are fuzzy and veinous.                       
With a handshake that lingers,                              
He will tickle your fingers,                                
And other things Terrans find heinous.                      
                                                            
62916 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Rod Walker          P8211



There once was a monster from Mars,                         
Who took people out past the stars.                         
He'd skillfully drain                                       
Each one of their brain,                                    
And he never would leave any scars.                         
                                                            
62917 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Dennis Maggard           



To the astronauts of planet Uranus                          
Earthling humor is tastelessly heinous.                     
With honor at stake                                         
A spaceship they did make,                                  
And they're coming here now to restrain us.                 
                                                            
62918 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Lynn Mostafa             



As for me, I'm an utter disgrace;                           
Nobody sees me, or my face.                                 
I drink beer all day,                                       
(And pizza's OK),                                           
'Cause I live very far out in space!                        
                                                            
62919 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
Martinets are lined up in bars.                             
"I'll buy you a drink,                                      
Turn your antenna pink,                                     
But stop if you don't enjoy scars!"                         
                                                            
62920 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     FGO                TP9802



The Venusians do not kiss or pet,                           
Or work themselves up in a sweat.                           
About sex; they get wed,                                    
Then all feeling goes dead;                                 
How alien, Heck! can you get?                               
(How like our Earth can you get?)                           
62921 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                         G2638



There once was a young man from Venus,                      
Who had a very long penis.                                  
To keep out of trouble,                                     
He bent it in double,                                       
And coiled it inside of his anus.                           
                                                            
62922 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



A creature once lived on an asteroid,                       
A strangely desexed little basteroid.                       
He might have been Her                                      
But you couldn't be sher--                                  
If She was a He, he'd been casteroid.                       
                                                            
62923 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                         G2572



Of Jupiter's second moon, few                               
Of the folks are at all well-to-do.                         
They work and they sweat,                                   
But they're always in debt,                                 
'Cause their kids all attend Io-U.                          
                                                            
62924 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Dave Kone                



The love life of Jovian creatures                           
Has many curious features.                                  
If I just owned a ship,                                     
I'd take me a trip,                                         
And bring some to Earth as teachers.                        
                                                            
62925 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                         G2582



Girls are something Jove's planet has not:                  
There is only one huge flaming twat,                        
Soaking up like a sponge                                    
All the men as they plunge--                                
On Terra, it's call the Red Spot.                           
                                                            
62926 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Brian Aldiss        G2591



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
Lonely green Swots recite their three R's.                  
Which means radioactive                                     
Remotely attractive                                         
Rays kidnapping Earthlings from cars.                       
                                                            
62927 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Prof M-G           TP9802



One Saturdays night up on Mars,                             
The subject came around to bars.                            
They wondered what we saw                                   
When we drank too much "braw",                              
Those little brown men from the stars.                      
                                                            
62928 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Anon               TP9804



I once met this little green man;                           
"From Mars," he said smiling, "You can                      
Press my left ventricle,                                    
Tickle my tentacle,                                         
Or you can just shake my hand."                             
                                                            
62929 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Sumaq                    



A man from the north side of Venus                          
Had a five mile long, four inch wide penis.                 
He could wiggle and slide from side to side,                
With such nerve, such verve, such tantalizing curve,        
You scarcely noted its leaness.                             
                                                            
62930 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Maxine Spitzler     P9404



A Martian named Harrison Harris                             
Decided he'd like to see Paris;                             
In space (so we learn)                                      
He forgot where to turn -                                   
And that's why he's now on Polaris.                         
                                                            
62931 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                         P8211



'Vita brevis, ars longa', is true,                          
As the better-read Lunatics knew.                           
They looked much as we,                                     
But the light gravity                                       
Made head bigger and ars longa too.                         
                                                            
62932 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Brian Aldiss        G2587



There once was a man in the moon,                           
But he got there a little too soon.                         
Some others came later                                      
And fell down a crater.                                     
When was it--Next August? Last June?                        
                                                            
62933 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     David McCord        P9210



An upper-crust Martian said, "Yes,                          
We old families are snobs, I confess.                       
It really is vital                                          
To get tits and title."                                     
So he married a cute Martioness.                            
                                                            
62934 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Brian Aldiss        G2588



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
The Martians all mate with their cars.                      
After tailpipes are bent,                                   
They just lay there all spent,                              
Pointing straight up at the stars!                          
                                                            
62935 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Jim Weaver Collection    



On Saturn, the sexes are three,                             
A sad state of affairs, you'll agree.                       
For performing con brio,                                    
You must have a trio,                                       
And it even takes two for a pee.                            
                                                            
62936 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Anon                G2592



There was a young man from Campinas,                        
Who trained as an astronaut to Venus.                       
When he returned after years,                               
There weren't welcomes and cheers.                          
He's not human, he'd was a sub-genus!                       
                                                            
62937 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Arthur Pattaffy          



A Plutonian faggot called Zimp                              
Was not in the least bit a wimp.                            
Eighteen feet high,                                         
And as long (or well nigh),                                 
And none of his pincers were limp.                          
                                                            
62938 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     S. Dale             P8211



On Eros, despite its fair name,                             
The sexes are one and the same.                             
If amusing oneself,                                         
By abusing oneself,                                         
Leads to pregnancy, isn't life tame?                        
                                                            
62939 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



On Venus, in spite of the cloud,                            
There's a hell of a big native crowd.                       
For the best thing on Venus is                              
The double-jointed penises,                                 
Of which they're exceedingly proud.                         
                                                            
62940 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Neal Wilgus         P8511



From the far flung planet of Pluto                          
Came some fruit a-sportin' a suit o'                        
Clothes to go swimmin'                                      
With big breasted women --                                  
But his strokes hardly got him a kudo!                      
                                                            
62941 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



There once was a feline from Saturn,                        
Who made out just fine, for a slattern.                     
She made so much dough,                                     
Other cats begged to know,                                  
"How much does that fine slattern cat earn?"                
                                                            
62942 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



Are now, we starting to croon?                              
Don't want to sound like a buffoon,                         
But just to be right,                                       
That cat was so tight,                                      
She wound up on planet Neptune!                             
                                                            
62943 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



That kitten descended from Neptune,                         
(Up there they had called her Miss Schleptune)              
She taught each man born                                    
To toot his own horn --                                     
So now they all play a more hep tune!                       
                                                            
62944 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



A horrid old creature of Titan                              
Is looking for people to frighten.                          
It gives some children pause,                               
But delight all their Ma's                                  
By causing their laundry to whiten.                         
                                                            
62945 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Rod Walker          P8211



There once was a man from Mars,                             
Whose lady was fond of cigars.                              
Then this woman from Venus,                                 
Caught sight of his penis,                                  
And smoked 'til he sang with God's choirs.                  
                                                            
62946 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



I've been on a sojourn to Mars                              
That's left my old liver with scars.                        
My Johnson as well,                                         
Is battered as hell,                                        
From bopping Mars babes in Mars bars.                       
                                                            
62947 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     H Welchel                



It looks like my ferret's been chewed                       
By hundreds of rats needing food.                           
Although clean and tight,                                   
Mars pussy can bite.                                        
It's nasty when stuffingly screwed.                         
                                                            
62948 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     H Welchel                



It seems that Mars babes are equipped                       
With cervical hairs finely tipped --                        
Each with a small blade,                                    
That forms a blockade                                       
Against Earth-spoo injected or dripped.                     
                                                            
62949 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     H Welchel                



And If you're endowed like a horse,                         
And fuck them with vigor and force,                         
You'll think they're in heat,                               
But it's just your meat                                     
That was of Mars redness, the source.                       
                                                            
62950 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     H Welchel                



A galactic patrolman from Venus,                            
Had a hyper-extensible penis.                               
Of all forms of life,                                       
Which he'd taken to wife,                                   
He preferred a mere woman, for meanness.                    
                                                     (L0358)
62951 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Tony Boucher       G2565a



An irate Venusian named Breen                               
Was feeling all snarly and mean                             
And calling me names                                        
And exhaling flames,                                        
And in other ways splenting his veen.                       
                                                            
62952 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     S. Dale             P8211



There was a young man from Venus,                           
Whose body was shaped like a penis.                         
Thirty inches thick,                                        
'Twas a heavenly prick;                                     
Truly a record for Guinness.                                
                                                            
62953 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



On Uranus, to shout, "Up your anus!"                        
Is to get yourself rated insane, as                         
The arse is no hole                                         
But a flexible pole                                         
From which the piles grow like bananas.                     
                                                            
62954 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Brian Aldiss        G2593



The Venusians, out on a mission.                            
Found Earth is a puzzling condition.                        
They could understand part,                                 
Of our laws and our art,                                    
But got stuck in the fifteenth position.                    
                                                            
62955 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Brian Aldiss        G2586



Two travelers going sidereal,                               
The danger, they say, is bacterial.                         
I don't know the pattern                                    
On Mars, or on Saturn,                                      
But on Venus, it must be venereal.                          
                                                            
62956 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Robert Frost             



There was a young lady from Venus                           
Who rather liked having a Guinness:                         
As dark as hard rock                                        
With foam at the top:                                       
It reminded her of ... Her Seamus.                          
                                                            
62957 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



There once was a woman from Venus,                          
Who committed a crime so heinous,                           
That to hear people scoff,                                  
She'd have been better off,                                 
If she'd suddenly sprouted a penis.                         
                                                            
62958 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



The handsome young natives of Venus                         
Have a three-foot retractable penis.                        
The women of Earth                                          
All contend for a berth                                     
To the world of this curious genus.                         
                                                            
62959 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                         G2649



On Venus, I'm bound to relate,                              
The females refuse to fellate.                              
For the cocks of the guys                                   
Have got spines, spikes and eyes,                           
Tasting strongly of smegma sulfate.                         
                                                            
62960 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Brian Aldiss        G2585



A gold and green skinned girl from Venus                    
Was frightened that someone had seen us.                    
Before, though, she spoke,                                  
My "invisibility cloak",                                    
I donned and put straight in between us.                    
                                                            
62961 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



There landed a creature from Venus,                         
Whose species was quite a strange genus.                    
It said to the crowds,                                      
"We're covered in clouds --                                 
And that's why nobody has seen us."                         
                                                            
62962 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Tom Campbell             



I think we've been spotted from Venus;                      
A goggle-eyed monster has seen us.                          
It's fierce and it's red,                                   
With great horns on its head.                               
Three cheers for the distance between us.                   
                                                            
62963 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Funfax Limericks         



"Are the tarts", they asked Astronaut Muller,               
"On Uranus more lively...or duller?"                        
He replied, "They're obscene!                               
Since their pussies are green,                              
They are whores of a different color!"                      
                                                            
62964 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY                              



The greatest unsolved mystery                               
Is "Why on earth on Earth we be?"                           
But we are not alone.                                       
If Outer Space could phone,                                 
They'd "Why on mars on Mars are we?"                        
                                                            
62965 SPACE - ALIENS - PLANETARY     Irving Superior     P9102



A fellow from Alpha Centauri,                               
Sped earthwards a-seeking a whore, he                       
Found that Earth's gravity                                  
Curtailed his depravity --                                  
He'd not get it up, and said "Sorry."                       
                                                            
62966 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR                                



The sadists of Alpha Centauri                               
Have a pleasure exceedingly gory;                           
It involves a time slip,                                    
And a neuronic whip --                                      
Not your typical Asimov story.                              
                                                            
62967 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       P Chernoff               



An extra-terrestrial gastronome                             
Had traveled eight light-years from home.                   
He alit in Duluth                                           
Where they thought him uncouth,                             
When he delicately dined on their chrome.                   
                                                            
62968 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       June Sullivan       P8312



Light years flying saucers traverse;                        
Those green men seem rather perverse.                       
Why should they repeat                                      
Their amazing feat;                                         
Just us in the whole universe.                              
                                                            
62969 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Tony Burrell             



At evening they come, before dawn                           
They're gone and despite sceptics' scorn,                   
Over zillions of miles                                      
To plague farmer Giles,                                     
And make pretty patterns in corn.                           
                                                            
62970 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Tiddy Ogg                



A runner from far outer space                               
Came to earth to take part in a race;                       
Caused great consternation                                  
When he used levitation                                     
At his own, supersonic pace.                                
                                                            
62971 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Maxine Spitzler     P9405



If green folk from Gamma Velorum                            
Should visit, we plan to ignore 'em:                        
It's just not the year                                      
For saucers, we fear;                                       
And good SF writers abhor 'em.                              
                                                            
62972 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Beverly Grant       P8211



The mechanical natives of Cetus                             
Do not start out as a fetus.                                
But nuts and the screw                                      
To them are not new,                                        
So they must have some form of coitus.                      
                                                            
62973 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR                           G2579



A young man from Alpha Centauri                             
Said "Come, let me tell you my story.                       
Riding the tractor beam                                     
Without asteroid cream,                                     
Has surely tried my parts sorely."                          
                                                            
62974 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR                                



I stare at the star-laden skies,                            
And ponder the wherefores and whys.                         
I think over there                                          
Is a nova somewhere,                                        
And a whole race of aliens dies.                            
                                                            
62975 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Irish                    



The epicene natives of Pollux                               
Engage in the strangest of frolics;                         
They get their sex kicks                                    
Sucking martini sticks,                                     
Which makes them, of course, alcoholics.                    
                                                            
62976 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR                           G2639



The natives of Sirius B                                     
Excrete pure vitamin C.                                     
In symbiotic                                                
Relations exotic,                                           
Terrestrials suck them with glee.                           
                                                            
62977 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR                           G2644



A maiden from Cygnus b5,                                    
Ate some SPAM while still whole and alive.                  
"Oh dear," she exclaimed,                                   
"I really feel maimed,                                      
I don't thing I'm going to survive."                        
                                                            
62978 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Mike O'Conner            



I once was a slave interstellar                             
And my master -- a green fortune teller.                    
But he soon gave me freedom                                 
When I chased him and treed him,                            
And threatened to bend his propeller.                       
                                                            
62979 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Neal Wilgus         P8211



If Vegans abhor all that's meat,                            
Reproduction is surely a feat.                              
They must do it alone in                                    
The bedroom by clonin'                                      
But some of them probably cheat.                            
                                                            
62980 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       Peter Wilkins            



From a strange solar system called Plexus                   
Came an alien chap named Alexis.                            
He was sent here to find                                    
What intrigued mankind                                      
In "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."                   
                                                            
62981 SPACE - ALIENS - STELLAR       June Sullivan       P8312



A mutant who stopped for a drink                            
Was amused by a sign that said THINK.                       
"You think you're so smart,                                 
But for all your head start,                                
You'll soon be the new missing link.                        
                                                            
62982 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Neal Wilgus         P8303



A mere human who heard this remark                          
Sat and pondered awhile in the dark.                        
"Your day may be coming                                     
But the tune that you're humming                            
Is so far no more than a lark."                             
                                                            
62983 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Neal Wilgus         P8303



Said the monkey who tended the bar,                         
"Say, who do you guys think you are?                        
Coexist here in peace                                       
Or your drinking will cease,                                
And you'll gain a real cranial scar!"                       
                                                            
62984 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Neal Wilgus         P8303



It seems that I'm in a bad way                              
Since my Cap'n H went away.                                 
I'm he who's been spaced                                    
In the zone of the X'aist.                                  
I'm afraid I may be here to stay.                           
                                                            
62985 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



The X'aist musn't know I'm around.                          
At least by them I ain't been found!                        
Did they know that I've spotted                             
them all when they're potted                                
what they would inflict would astound.                      
                                                            
62986 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



What's that lightly limned by the planet?                   
I've seen it before, now again. It                          
Seems some closer now.                                      
I hope it's some chow!                                      
It's be like the Cap'n to ban it.                           
                                                            
62987 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



A shuttle, Class 2, one man, armed                          
Up from the X'aist planet has swarmed!                      
It's heading straight toward                                
Me. pinging, oh, Lord!                                      
I think now I should be alarmed!                            
                                                            
62988 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



The ship sent a probe full of sensing                       
Equipment meant for the condensing                          
Of data, incoming,                                          
And, later, for plumbing                                    
Responses it should be comensing.                           
                                                            
62989 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Two ETs on Earth for vacation,                              
Touch down at a local gas station.                          
Out they both jump,                                         
And approaching the pump,                                   
They valiantly try conversation.                            
                                                            
62990 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Lilsil2                  



(No surprise) no responses they get,                        
So the boss, ET One, makes a threat,                        
To blast the machines                                       
To small smithereens.                                       
No response. He then shoots (with regret).                  
                                                            
62991 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Lilsil2                  



ET heaven's, where both reappear.                           
ET Two says "We shudda had fear.                            
Don't mess with a throng                                    
Whose dicks are so long,                                    
They carry them 'round in their ear."                       
                                                            
62992 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Lilsil2                  



A warp-drive? I found one to borrow!                        
No more of this space-docking sorrow!                       
I've got extra seats,                                       
So pack up your teats!                                      
I'm headed to LorssWorld tomorrow!                          
                                                            
62993 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



I've heard of a sex number four,                            
With more freaky habits in store                            
For spacemen like me                                        
To marvel and see.                                          
So hurry! I'm sealing the door!                             
                                                            
62994 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



There once was a Hiftlorss named Xit                        
Who had a strange thing for the pit.                        
(Not the cunt-charm,                                        
The one under arm.)                                         
This Xit was a pervert and twit.                            
                                                            
62995 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Let's now introduce the Lorss Xint.                         
(The fourth sex of Hiftlorss, a gent.)                      
Although Xints are male,                                    
They cannot impale                                          
Unless they shore up with the splint.                       
                                                            
62996 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Unlike the Troggs, with their smell,                        
The Xints only broadcast a knell.                           
They rise with the moons,                                   
And fart like bassoons,                                     
In chorus and rhythm, as well.                              
                                                            
62997 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



To Earthfolk they look quite a fright                       
A-spin under moons with strange light.                      
They dervishly dance                                        
(Don't wear any pants)                                      
With cocks flapping free in the night.                      
                                                            
62998 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Their skin-glands emit a sweet tune                         
That wafts over desert and dune                             
And softly does stun                                        
The sex two and one,                                        
Who dream of their last honeymoon.                          
                                                            
62999 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now, mostly Xints do this alone                             
('Cause most Lorsses like a stiff bone).                    
But Xit was a peeker,                                       
Not much of a feeker,                                       
And fancied the pit of the drone.                           
                                                            
63000 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



He stalked the Xints into their lair,                       
And drooled at their fine armpit hair,                      
Which hung in soft locks.                                   
Old Xits fifty cocks                                        
Were swollen, and dripping, and bare.                       
                                                            
63001 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Humbly, he spoke to the crowd,                              
And begged them to fart really loud,                        
While he just would flit                                    
From pit to sweet pit,                                      
And take a quick whiff, if allowed.                         
                                                            
63002 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



They looked at Xit, kind of like sheep,                     
And said softly, "Go back to sleep.                         
We know we're quite smashing,                               
But some hopes need dashing.                                
Our duty is only skin-beep."                                
                                                            
63003 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Further, if flow they don't stem,                           
The outcome is quite often grim.                            
The rushing come-drain                                      
Can implode the brain,                                      
And leave it unconscious and slim.                          
                                                            
63004 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



An alien came down here from Venus.                         
Not a girl, but a guy (had a penis).                        
With three eyes in between,                                 
Pointed ears that were green,                               
He was obviously not of our Genus.                          
                                                            
63005 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



He landed at old Johnson's farm.                            
An arrival that caused some alarm                           
To old Johnson's daughter,                                  
Who thought if he caught her,                               
He might want to cause her some harm.                       
                                                            
63006 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now our alien wasn't too bright.                            
He forgot to bring something to light                       
The night and his way                                       
Through the field filled with hay                           
Took a left instead of a right.                             
                                                            
63007 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now things didn't turn out like they aughter                
He did not meet up with the daughter                        
Instead he found Bessie                                     
And now things get messy.                                   
He not only found her but caught her.                       
                                                            
63008 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



"My Dear you have beautiful eyes!"                          
"Big and brown like Venutian Creme Pies"                    
"I can't wait to show mother                                
Your soft silky utter."                                     
(You're going to be such a surprise.)                       
                                                            
63009 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



From behind the clouds came the moon,                       
As the alien continued to spoon.                            
And old Johnson's girl                                      
Let the curtains unfurl                                     
To a scene that made her heart swoon.                       
                                                            
63010 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



The alien was wearing no frock                              
And Ms. Johnson was given a shock                           
She believed not her eyes                                   
For there 'tween his thighs                                 
Was an 18 inch glowing green cock.                          
                                                            
63011 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



And so to the steps she alighted.                           
There were things she just knew must be righted             
Tell this guy with the cow                                  
Just exactly how                                            
With her he'd be truly delighted.                           
                                                            
63012 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



She ran through the field up to him.                        
Stuck her hand out and said "My name's Kim"                 
And you sir are hot                                         
Look here what I got                                        
For you. It's a seldom used quim.                           
                                                            
63013 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



"I'm sorry deary, but right now                             
I am currently courting this cow."                          
The alien said,                                             
Then Kim nearly dropped dead                                
(Oh my god he just licked his eye brow)                     
                                                            
63014 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now Kim was determined as ever                              
To succeed in this lustful endeavor                         
And spend the whole night                                   
In the blissful delight.                                    
She was sure the alien would deliver.                       
                                                            
63015 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



She was sure he'd see Bess was a dud.                       
Just standing there chewing her cud.                        
It soon became plain                                        
His lust she'd not gain.                                    
Cause he started in pounding his pud.                       
                                                            
63016 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



But it was the last thing that she saw                      
That for Kim was the camel's last straw                     
The alien's tongue                                          
Licked Bess's bung                                          
And a smile split the alien's maw.                          
                                                            
63017 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Oh Bessie my dear let's make haste                          
To Venus there's no time to waste                           
That taste oh..oh my!                                       
Venutian creme pie!                                         
And to the space ship the two raced.                        
                                                            
63018 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Into the welkin they shot,                                  
Leaving poor Kim really hot                                 
For an eighteen inch dick,                                  
And a tongue oh so quick,                                   
So she laid down and played with her twat.                  
                                                            
63019 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



The moon that I surveyed last week                          
Had little pig creatures that speak.                        
They led me to shrines,                                     
Through fields sown with mines,                             
And let me at rituals peek.                                 
                                                            
63020 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H                        



'Bout ten virgin pig-thingys sat                            
On lingams, each big as a bat.                              
Each blue steely tower                                      
Had black holes for power.                                  
And then my young rookie crew shat!                         
                                                            
63021 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H                        



For dildoes proceeded to spin                               
And plunge and gyrate deep within,                          
And vibrate so hard,                                        
The smell of burnt lard                                     
Soon sickened them, as did the din.                         
                                                            
63022 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H                        



Such terrible cruel sacrifice!                              
Then each massive evil device                               
Exploded with lasers                                        
That chopped them like razors,                              
Leaving all crispy and diced.                               
                                                            
63023 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H                        



The priestess, who called herself Xarbs,                    
Confirmed (as we cleaned up our garbs):                     
These dildoes of doom                                       
(As you may assume)                                         
Are know as the pork Cube-B-Barbs.                          
                                                            
63024 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H                        



The alien Sporch from the rim,                              
Where starlight is milky and dim,                           
Have juices that glow,                                      
And jeez, can they flow!                                    
For afterglow, take a bright swim!                          
                                                            
63025 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



In cities with high stony dikes,                            
They raise up their yeast crops and tikes.                  
The sewers are huge --                                      
But sex? A deluge.                                          
The law requires countryside hikes.                         
                                                            
63026 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



It's so damn pitch-dark all the time,                       
Sporch search out their mates with a chime.                 
But as they draw near,                                      
A green glowing smear                                       
Lights up the paths taken, with slime.                      
                                                            
63027 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Then as they proceed to caress,                             
And special sex-buttons depress,                            
Their phosphorus juice                                      
Bursts forth in a sluice!                                   
The landscape lights up with their mess!                    
                                                            
63028 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Their organs have special by-passes                         
Between the sweet parts and their asses.                    
If not for these holes                                      
They'd blow out their poles,                                
And rupture the cunts of the lasses.                        
                                                            
63029 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Usually, when they're on the verge                          
Of climax, the Sporch will submerge                         
Themselves in a lake.                                       
(The pressure's a brake                                     
Which lengthens the time of their surge.)                   
                                                            
63030 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



The pressure at one hundred feet                            
Is found to be luscious and sweet.                          
It's pretty, you know;                                      
A deep greenish glow,                                       
Diffuse in the depths. Really neat!                         
                                                            
63031 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Now last year, in some shallow brook,                       
Two Sporch College kids blew their gook.                    
Their minds are now toast.                                  
Thus quoth the provost,                                     
appendwaters stun deep!" What a schnook!                    
                                                            
63032 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Jim Weaver Collection    



Some aliens abducted a slew                                 
Of young virgins, but not for a screw:                      
"We won't risk E. coli,                                     
Hepatitis, Eboli;                                           
We'll see they're well done in a stew."                     
                                                            
63033 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       John Miller 0072         



Even those most accustomed to grue                          
Were shocked when an alien guru                             
Deftly made gourmet fare,                                   
Wasting only the hair,                                      
While converting the gristle to glue.                       
                                                            
63034 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       John Miller 0072a        



That horrible alien crew                                    
Started eating on some unseen cue.                          
Did they truly not care                                     
'Bout our horrified stare?                                  
To this question they left not a clue.                      
                                                            
63035 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       John Miller 0O72b        



They finished their meal with a brew,                       
Then before anyone could say "Boo!"                         
They wiped off their chins,                                 
Gave us hidious grins,                                      
And blasted off into the blue.                              
                                                            
63036 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       John Miller 0072c        



To the aliens we're incomprehensible.                       
When they asked me, I said, "That's not sensible --         
Taking you to our King --                                   
We don't have such a thing --                               
What we do have is downright reprehensible!"                
                                                            
63037 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       John Miller 0344         



But after regarding our "King",                             
Taking tribute from lords in Beijing,                       
And creating a specter                                      
With his wayward scepter,                                   
They agreed it was much the same thing.                     
                                                            
63038 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       Irish                    



A populous species, the Xaist,                              
Just float around, orb-like, in space.                      
Their bods have one hole                                    
With many a role --                                         
Known functions: sex, smelling and waste.                   
                                                            
63039 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now, no one knows how to deduce                             
Just how all these Xaist reproduce.                         
This though, we know:                                       
The farts that they blow                                    
Are complex, diverse, and effuse.                           
                                                            
63040 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Along with some spores, small and round,                    
It's known that, included, is sound.                        
The theory goes so:                                         
They preggers their beaux                                   
With stinky sweet tunes. How profound!                      
                                                            
63041 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now once when I happened to pass                            
An intergalactic gas-mass,                                  
My sensors played scales                                    
Like those of Earth-whales,                                 
But timbred like woodwinds and brass.                       
                                                            
63042 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



A Xaist-orb was spotted to port.                            
It turned, and began to distort.                            
First it grew wavy,                                         
Emitting some "gravy",                                      
And then it grew flattened and short.                       
                                                            
63043 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Its tiny tight hole, but a blip,                            
That opened and let something rip.                          
The space-phones recorded                                   
A dissonance sordid.                                        
I think it had wanked on my ship.                           
                                                            
63044 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now, no one knew how to deduce                              
Just how all these Xaist reproduce.                         
But this, though, we knew:                                  
The farts that they blew                                    
Were complex, diverse, and effuse.                          
                                                            
63045 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Unsure how Xaist generate germ                              
(And what we know's smoke more than sperm),                 
Our word-smiths were stuck --                               
'Twas not quite a fuck,                                     
So smokeoffs exobios new term.                              
                                                            
63046 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now add to this mystery this thing:                         
The male of this species was missing.                       
Although we'd found spore                                   
Of smoke, nothing more.                                     
The riddle, in whole, was quite pissing.                    
                                                            
63047 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Then there in the void we beheld                            
No Xaist. Had it also propelled                             
Itself into warp?                                           
A brief stench of carp                                      
Was all that the gas sensors smelled.                       
                                                            
63048 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



We scanned the whole quadrant for queer E, us,              
And tracked a fresh wormhole to Sirius                      
And as we warped off                                        
I called for a boff                                         
And soon had Lieutenant delerious.                          
                                                            
63049 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Excited by ventures anew,                                   
I gave a short break to the crew                            
(Them horny-assed fuckers                                   
Can shure shoot some Smuckers),                             
And soon they were sticky with spew.                        
                                                            
63050 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Now back to the story at hand --                            
(Lieutenant, please stow my fine gland)                     
From warp-speed we jumped,                                  
And wow, were we pumped!                                    
A zillion fine Xaist!  The home-land!                       
                                                            
63051 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



The Star of the Dog, bright and bold,                       
Illumined Xaist secrets untold!                             
The musical gas                                             
From Xaist ass to ass ---                                   
A beautiful web to behold!                                  
                                                            
63052 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



We quietly lurked for awhile                                
And shook our heads slow with a smile;                      
For once we'd translated                                    
The farts generated,                                        
The words weren't all Lesbian style!                        
                                                            
63053 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



We found that in throes of desire,                          
One partner, the one who got higher,                        
Would briefly turn male                                     
And thus ends my tale.                                      
Yes, where there is fmoke there's a sire.                   
                                                            
63054 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



Where's he gone?  We need him on hand.                      
This "no farts" is more'n I can stand.                      
It's quiet in here.                                         
Bring cabbage and beer!                                     
And Xanth who fart best in the land!                        
                                                            
63055 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES                                



On Regulus we found the xeggs;                              
They raise up their children from eggs.                     
Each little germ                                            
Has ciliate worms --                                        
Like protrusions that fart when it begs.                    
                                                            
63056 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H Whelchel               



The Regulan spring drove us batty;                          
A whistling opus of flati                                   
Was high-pitched and loud,                                  
But Xegg moms weren't cowed --                              
They'd barf up a pap, green and fatty.                      
                                                            
63057 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H Whelchel               



When moms to the nest would return,                         
We noticed a thing of concern.                              
The loud ones sometimes                                     
Got no oily slimes,                                         
And silent worms never were spurned.                        
                                                            
63058 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H Whelchel               



With instruments from our valise,                           
We timed cyclic beg-fart release.                           
Some wait for a week,                                       
Some always would squeak,                                   
But weekly squeals got all the grease.                      
                                                            
63059 SPACE - ALIENS - ZSERIES       H Whelchel               



Floated free with meteors, see                              
By myself, alone, was just me.                              
Now Earth-Moon comes near                                   
Big twin-star from here.                                    
I hope I don't land in the sea!                             
                                                            
63060 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Of course!  I have promised to get                          
Green Cheese for Jayne, my sweet pet.                       
I'll land on the moon                                       
Sometime real soon,                                         
Then down on the Earth I will set.                          
                                                            
63061 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh Boy!   Do I really stink                                 
And my skin has now gone very pink.                         
I've been far too long                                      
Where sunlights not strong;                                 
So maybe a bath first I think!                              
                                                            
63062 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Through the air, I'm off to Ayr,                            
While holding the Green Cheese with care.                   
Though wrapped, it still shows                              
In the dark how it glows,                                   
And people just stop and they stare!                        
                                                            
63063 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



After landing, the time really lags.                        
It's such a bore, waiting for bags                          
To come through the door.                                   
So Jayne, here on the floor -                               
The first of our hot sweaty shags!                          
                                                            
63064 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



The airport crowd all stood stock still,                    
And watched as your quim you did fill.                      
I lay on my back                                            
As you lowered your crack                                   
On my pole, sticking up like a quill!                       
                                                            
63065 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



The gathered crowd, how they all cheered.                   
They watched as you bucked and you reared!                  
But that copper has come                                    
Before we've half come;                                     
We're arrested, just as I feared!                           
                                                            
63066 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



Carried off in the throes of passion                        
We may have now set a new fashion!                          
And while stuck together                                    
In Court we're still tethered.                              
Our rudest bits we are still flashin'!                      
                                                            
63067 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Judge saw much more that he ought                       
And he waved at Clerk of the Court,                         
Who then stuck his head                                     
Neath robes of bright red                                   
And showed how this judge could be bought!                  
                                                            
63068 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Jury, eight boys and four girls -                       
(A quadruple menage de triols)                              
With a cock in each mouth                                   
And one further South -                                     
And quims each with two tongues atwirl!                     
                                                            
63069 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



The Bailiff, he calls for more order;                       
The Prosecuter's right on the border.                       
But when she bent over -                                    
The bailiffs own Rover                                      
Leapt out and began to deep sword 'er.                      
                                                            
63070 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



And through all of this, my hard shaft                      
Continued to pleasure your deft,                            
And wet little crack.                                       
Your bum I did smack,                                       
And you ground away with much craft!                        
                                                            
63071 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



For days the whole Court was kept closed,                   
And Parliament had questions posed!                         
Finally exhausted,                                          
Our tenseness de-tauted,                                    
We stopped and then put on our clothes                      
                                                            
63072 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



The wise men were brought in to find                        
What caused this tale and in their mind                     
It is the Green Cheese                                      
Which from Luna I seized.                                   
A psycho-erotical kind.                                     
                                                            
63073 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



It's influence is felt far away                             
No wonder our privates did stray                            
And Lunatics made                                           
(Watch morality fade)                                       
This Green Cheese - Oh, please take away!                   
                                                            
63074 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



And that's why, beneath the full moon,                      
All Lovers are inclined to spoon.                           
The moist bits get wetter;                                  
And hard bits unfetter,                                     
As seen on a beach close to Troon!                          
                                                            
63075 SPACE - MOON - GREEN CHEESE    Jim Weaver Collection    



No hermit, the newest android                               
Gave pleasure with an easy sang-froid.                      
And would freely relate                                     
That its celibate fate                                      
Was a droll but mistaken FACTOID.                           
                                                            
63076 SPACE - ROBOTS                 J'Carlin                 



An android for sex is fantastic!                            
Beats all solo games onanastic,                             
And sounds more yummy                                       
Than a life sized dummy,                                    
Make out of latex or plastic.                               
                                                            
63077 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Chris Papa               



The android would not be amused                             
By the assumption that the plan used                        
Was mainly for sex.                                         
It's really complex,                                        
And does many things well when enthused                     
                                                            
63078 SPACE - ROBOTS                 J'Carlin                 



Said the android who found Pioneer,                         
"I'm afraid we had better stay clear                        
Of Earth's fierce, potent men.                              
They enjoy sex with 'Ten',                                  
Who strips teeth from my genital gear."                     
                                                            
63079 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Melvin B. Lewis     P8312



I know a sweet android named Dan;                           
A construct the government would ban.                       
His technique is fantastic                                  
For a man of plastic --                                     
Please don't outlaw my bionic man!                          
                                                            
63080 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Karen B                  



An over-sexed robot named Hank                              
Made a play for a twenty-ton tank.                          
His ardor was futile,                                       
The result was quite brutal,                                
For his nuts hit the floor with a clank.                    
                                                            
63081 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



'Till lately our guys had to suffer                         
Grave errors and luck even tougher.                         
Now those days are over,                                    
We have us a Rover.                                         
And "Beagle has landed" -- but rougher!                     
                                                            
63082 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



There once was a woman, bionic,                             
Whose story was rather ironic;                              
Her counterpart kissed her;                                 
She blew a transistor.                                      
Now relations are strictly platonic!                        
                                                            
63083 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Emis                     



There was an old man of Lugano,                             
Who constructed a boy of Meccano,                           
Which sharpened his wits                                    
And aided his shits,                                        
Mens sana in corpore sano.                                  
                                                            
63084 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Victor Gray              



If I am a purpose built clone,                              
Then Mom, will you build in a phone,                        
A free credit card                                          
And brother Bernard;                                        
The man with the permanent bone.                            
                                                            
63085 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



There once was a hacker named Ken,                          
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.                            
So he built him some chicks,                                
Of silicon chips,                                           
And hasn't been heard from since then.                      
                                                            
63086 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



There was a young android called "Chip"                     
Whose programmer shot from the hip                          
With strong verbal commands                                 
To ignore word demands,                                     
So that Chip wouldn't take any lip.                         
                                                            
63087 SPACE - ROBOTS                 D. A. Marker        P8211



And then there's the one about Freud                        
Who fell for a lady android.                                
She was built much like Venus                               
And she envied his penis,                                   
But her libido was totally void.                            
                                                            
63088 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P8205



There once was a smug CPU                                   
That figured it was human, too.                             
Because it used hex                                         
To talk about sex,                                          
And expanded itself from base two.                          
                                                            
63089 SPACE - ROBOTS                 D A Marker          P8211



Said a mellow old robot named Newman,                       
"When a man does not act with acumen,                       
But is clumsy and coarse,                                   
I consider the source,                                      
And remember that he's only human."                         
                                                            
63090 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Gloria Maxon        P8402



The Laws for us robots are three:                           
I'll not hurt mankind, I agree.                             
I'll do what a human                                        
Says. That number two, man.                                 
Only then must I look after me.                             
(Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics)                     
63091 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Tony Davie          P9704



The robot that just shined my shoes                         
Seems to think it has nothing to lose,                      
But it soon better learn                                    
When my shoes start to burn                                 
That I'll knock off its nuts and its screws.                
                                                            
63092 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P8810



I bought a new kit at the store                             
To build a man right from the core.                         
Could not animate                                           
My new model date;                                          
He turned out to be a dead bore.                            
                                                            
63093 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



An impotent robot named Jack                                
Had a brain like a cool Univac.                             
But not handy for sex,                                      
Just this dandy cortex--                                    
He hadn't been tooled for dual-sack.                        
                                                            
63094 SPACE - ROBOTS                                     G2604



The robots in a perfume factory,                            
Have love lives described as unsatisfactory.                
Where you would expect                                      
To find organs of sex,                                      
They have an appendage, it olfactory.                       
                                                            
63095 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



These robots are amongst those,                             
For whom human sympathy flows.                              
When asked how they manage                                  
While sustaining no damage,                                 
Despondent, they just say, "Fuck nose".                     
                                                            
63096 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Supercilious fools speak to robots,                         
As Quixote would joust like the know-nots.                  
It really seems clear,                                      
The dunces right here                                       
Are prancing, obsequious slowbots.                          
                                                            
63097 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



An angry CPU name of Sam                                    
Had a volatile 8K of RAM.                                   
And it wanted to fight,                                     
But was told that its byte                                  
Was a quasi-electrical sham.                                
                                                            
63098 SPACE - ROBOTS                 D A Marker          P8211



There once was a robot named Zerk                           
Who was programmed for nothing but work.                    
He would slave while you slept                              
And keep himself kept                                       
And save the expense of a clerk.                            
                                                            
63099 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P9003



Zerk's owner was Ivan Jake Freud                            
Who lived on a green asteroid.                              
And there, 'neath the bubble,                               
Assisting with trouble,                                     
Was Molly McGerkus, android.                                
                                                            
63100 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P9003



Now Molly was programmed with spice                         
On how to be naughty and nice.                              
So when Ivan Jake Freud                                     
Was away in the void,                                       
Molly sought out Zerk's help and advice.                    
                                                            
63101 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P9003



Said Mollly, "Now look, Mr. Zerk,                           
I've got a new job you can work."                           
Her expression was odd                                      
When she reached for his rod,                               
And pulled it erect with a jerk.                            
                                                            
63102 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P9003



Now Zerk is still perking away                              
But when Ivan returns they'll both pay.                     
For the smile on Moll's face                                
Is a beacon in space,                                       
And Zerk shirks his work now to play.                       
                                                            
63103 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P9003



A robot named Gamma Thirteen                                
Once seduced a computing machine.                           
But his bold intromission                                   
Caused nuclear fission--                                    
Who knows what the kids might have been?                    
                                                            
63104 SPACE - ROBOTS                                     G2598



My Robot has gone into heat,                                
Linked to an electrical teat.                               
And with programming craft                                  
Of his vertical shaft,                                      
Makes rythum with musical beat.                             
                                                            
63105 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



Ashamed to admit that he's mine --                          
An error of mental design.                                  
Yes, I caught him alone                                     
With my push-button phone,                                  
Bells ringing for long-distance time.                       
                                                            
63106 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



Well, he was handy in life --                               
Helped me in work toil and strife:                          
But I dismantled the dolt--                                 
Every nut, wire and bolt,                                   
For I caught him in bed with my wife!                       
                                                            
63107 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



There once was a robot named Sue                            
Designed to do nothing but screw.                           
She knew all the tricks                                     
But the union said nix,                                     
Or their girls would have nothing to do.                    
                                                            
63108 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Neal Wilgus         P8210



A robot I took out on a cruise,                             
Dressed in sweater, dark glasses and trews.                 
When she fell in the pool,                                  
I felt such a big fool;                                     
She short circuited and blew a fuse!                        
                                                            
63109 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was this man from Deepe;                         
Moylcon, his brother, was creepy.                           
He raised up a stick,                                       
A robotic dick,                                             
To put on his sister, Miss Peepy.                           
                                                            
63110 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A bachelor inventor named Treacher                          
Built a high-bosomed transistor creature.                   
When he started to grope                                    
It cried "Mac, I'm no dope!                                 
So before we begin, get a preacher."                        
                                                            
63111 SPACE - ROBOTS                                          



There was a young lady from Rhodes,                         
Who was built to work on triodes.                           
If you're out on a date,                                    
You switch on and you wait,                                 
A quick move and the girl overloads!                        
                                                            
63112 SPACE - ROBOTS                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Croesus-rich financier Dennis Tito                          
Thought a few days in space would be neat-o.                
Twenty million buckskis                                     
Persuaded the Russkis                                       
But the killjoys at NASA may veto.                          
                                                            
63113 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Dr Limerick              



The moon, shining full in the night,                        
Is a grand and a marvelous sight,                           
While it rises so high,                                     
Past the clouds in the sky,                                 
Bathing all of the world in its light.                      
                                                            
63114 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Cap'n Bean          P0110



As Apollo descended from space,                             
Sue was giving a blow job to Mace.                          
Then the drag chutes unbunched                              
With a seven G punch,                                       
Her eyes bulged right out of her face.                      
                                                            
63115 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



No one's watching their tits, but alas,                     
When exposed to a vacuum (no gas),                          
If they aren't contained,                                   
They are very much pained,                                  
For they double in size without bras!.                      
                                                            
63116 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Grzegorz Gigol      P0011



Chicken Little got bonked on the head;                      
"Run! The sky is falling!" she said.                        
Now this hardly was true,                                   
Nor a "bolt from the blue"                                  
'Twas a bolt from Cassini instead.                          
(Cassini rocket carrying radioactive power source)          
63117 SPACE - ROCKETRY               John Miller 0112         



Chicken Little had caused pandemonium,                      
And crapped on the kitchen linoleum.                        
She was overwrought,                                        
And mistakenly thought                                      
Cassini had dropped its plutonium.                          
                                                            
63118 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Frank Fazed              



There once was a shuttle so old,                            
Which suffered from heat and then cold.                     
On re-entry one morn,                                       
Apart it was torn;                                          
As scrap metal it soon was sold.                            
                                                            
63119 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Windy Poo                



A loony inventor named Lloyd,                               
Who rocketed into the void,                                 
Left his neighbors aghast                                   
At the size of the blast,                                   
And his creditors rather annoyed.                           
                                                            
63120 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Cyber Geezer             



An old astronaut from a moon flight                         
Said, "We'll go to the sun next all right!"                 
"But won't it get hot?"                                     
He was asked and the sot                                    
Said, "Don't worry, we'll blast off at night."              
                                                            
63121 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Don Moore           P0111



Said an astronaut pilot named Deare,                        
"Do you know the one thing I most fear?                     
Being shot into space                                       
For a week, face to face,                                   
With an obstinate, well-muscled queer."                     
                                                            
63122 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Armand E Singer       317



The new astronaut thought it hot                            
To be picked as a crew for the shot.                        
But alas she was pissed off                                 
To learn during lift-off                                    
That "G"s are a force, not a spot.                          
                                                            
63123 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



Those free-falling games can get hairy,                     
Since the speeds and the angles can vary.                   
The jets are employed,                                      
Leaving vectors destroyed,                                  
And Billy boinks Bob 'stead of Mary.                        
                                                            
63124 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



Outer space is where we should go;                          
You never know what we don't know.                          
We should go see --                                         
Take me, take me!                                           
To bask in the stars brilliant glow.                        
                                                            
63125 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



Nakasone said he was aware                                  
Japan's space program only was fair.                        
Though he'd hoped that by June                              
They'd have men on the moon,                                
There was nary a nip in the air.                            
                                                            
63126 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Bob Giandomenico    P8811



A lovely young astronaut, Grace,                            
Decided to see outer space;                                 
"No need for a bra,"                                        
She said to her ma,                                         
"But my boobs just fly up in my face!"                      
                                                            
63127 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Mark Levy           P0011



An astronaut woman named Grace                              
Had a marvelous smile on her face                           
As she stripped to her skin                                 
And proclaimed, with a grin,                                
"My titties are floating in space!"                         
                                                            
63128 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Cap'n Bean          P0011



Sally Ride, our first true astradoll,                       
Said, "In space, no bra's needed at all.                    
I am pleased to report                                      
That boobs need no support;                                 
There's no gravity sag in free fall!"                       
                                                            
63129 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Bill Nesbit         P0011



When into Earth's orbit they've shifted,                    
Lady astronauts find that they're gifted                    
By gravity's laws                                           
With the freedom from bras,                                 
For in space, more than spirits are lifted.                 
                                                            
63130 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Jerry Nordal        P0011



Said the shy lady astronaut, Sue,                           
"There's one thing I don't need to do.                      
As I'm weightless in space,                                 
My boobs stay in their place.                               
Why can't guys on the ship do that too?"                    
                                                            
63131 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Tom Patton          P0011



Although she'd been thoroughly ridden,                      
She said "No more, now, I'm not kiddin',                    
I'll not play the whore bit                                 
Descending from orbit;                                      
Re-entry is strictly forbidden!"                            
                                                            
63132 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



I wish I were rich, though no snob,                         
Doing things that would make your heart throb.              
I'd risk a few scars                                        
To be first man on Mars.                                    
(And NASA would NOT get the job!)                           
                                                            
63133 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



Whatever your state of depravity,                           
It's tough making love in null gravity.                     
You take aim and note                                       
The direction you'll float,                                 
But you still often hit the wrong cavity.                   
                                                            
63134 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



A vacuum was not the best place,                            
For George's erotic embrace.                                
'Cause on the first try                                     
When he unzipped his fly,                                   
His poor pecker was sucked into space.                      
                                                            
63135 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



In Topeka, a moppet who rocketed,                           
Was arrested, bespringed and besprocketed.                  
The springs and the sprockets                               
That cling to the rockets                                   
In Topeka are not to be pocketed.                           
                                                            
63136 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



A young astronaut named McGraw                              
Sailed space ships without any flaw,                        
But when he tried to lay                                    
With his girl friend one day,                               
He went into a roll, pitch and yaw.                         
                                                            
63137 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Albin Chaplin   3024-0264



NASA thinks that its rover on Mars                          
Beams back pictures of Mars rocks and spars.                
But the Mars government                                     
Has had Tusconscapes sent                                   
Or we'd learn Mars has houses and cars.                     
                                                            
63138 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Prof M-G                 



The astronaut took Jane and Monique                         
Into space for a week.                                      
They went up to Mars                                        
Where he kept them in jars;                                 
They're gasping for air as we speak.                        
(Though nude, they just won't take a peek.)                 
63139 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Bic Willis               



An astronaut couple named Pace                              
Could scarce hide a grin on their face:                     
"It's great," they agreed,                                  
"For NASA's decreed                                         
We're doing it weightless in space."                        
                                                            
63140 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Armand E Singer       672



A spaceman returning from Mercury                           
Freely crooned like a loon gone berserkury.                 
But his poor birdcall sounds                                
Got him jailed on the grounds                               
Of Singsing for passing bad turkury!                        
                                                            
63141 SPACE - ROCKETRY                                        



A young man, with considerable zeal,                        
Has glued a large spring to each heel.                      
Then, jogging in place,                                     
He was launched into space;                                 
He'll re-enter just south of Mobile                         
                                                            
63142 SPACE - ROCKETRY               W W Lotz                 



Oh, give me a home where the asteroids roam,                
Where galaxies and Milky Ways do foam.                      
Where stars glitter like chrome,                            
Bald hair's easy to come                                    
And the rations are ground Styrofoam.                       
                                                            
63143 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Lynn Mostafa             



If meteorites and flying boulders                           
Spawn alien monster householders;                           
If projects go awry,                                        
Due to genomes in the sky,                                  
Try washing pets with Head and Shoulders.                   
                                                            
63144 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Lynn Mostafa             



To "the far reaches of outer space",                        
At a speed with which none can keep pace,                   
I'll make my getaway                                        
Slightly later today,                                       
And I don't plan to leave the least trace.                  
                                                            
63145 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Loren Fitzhugh      P0111



One generation ago                                          
We basked in the glorious glow                              
Of our quest for the Moon;                                  
Well, it ended too soon.                                    
Now I doubt my grandchildren will go.                       
                                                            
63146 SPACE - ROCKETRY               John Miller              



If not now, it will be, it's reputed,                       
That Earth's citizens are quite well suited                 
To reach not only Mars,                                     
But the far distant stars,                                  
And leave all of them scarred and polluted.                 
                                                            
63147 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Loren Fitzhugh      P2006



Some thousands of misssles were sired;                      
By fictional threats were inspired.                         
As the systems grew bigger,                                 
Some fool pulled the trigger;                               
Only ten on each side were required.                        
                                                            
63148 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Albin Chaplin            



Space may be the final frontier,                            
But its taken us just forty years                           
To leave so much trash,                                     
There's a risk of a crash,                                  
And minimal places to veer.                                 
                                                            
63149 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Dr Limerick  12-14-01    



In World War II the English knew                            
A sort the lottery -- V2.                                   
Just where would it fall;                                   
Would God your number call;                                 
Would he know a splattered you?                             
                                                            
63150 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Irving Superior     P8901



There was a young fellow named Floyd                        
Who wanted to fly like a boid.                              
So he entered the race                                      
To be first into space,                                     
But he soon was annoyed by the void.                        
                                                            
63151 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Albin Chaplin   3024-2572



A bit of life left the fourth planet,                       
And landed on Earth in some granite.                        
When you're only one cell,                                  
Must be careful as Hell,                                    
And this once can't have been, can it?                      
                                                            
63152 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Jim Weaver Collection    



A space station up in the sky                               
Is a thing to which people say "Why?"                       
Although others have said,                                  
That to forge on ahead,                                     
It is something we truly must try!                          
                                                            
63153 SPACE - ROCKETRY               Cap'n Bean          P9902



There's not a peep from Planet Red.                         
Seems the signal has gone very dead.                        
And the total bill:                                         
165 mill.                                                   
Could I have that money instead?                            
                                                            
63154 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Frank Petersohn          



Wasteful spending?  Here's a perfect case.                  
Now NASA's got egg on its face.                             
All that money they spend                                   
For the little green men,                                   
In now simply "Lost In Space!"                              
                                                            
63155 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Frank Petersohn          



Rocket scientists drinking in bars,                         
May have lately downed too many jars.                       
If the math starts to slur,                                 
Then trajectories err,                                      
And it's hard to fly spacecraft to Mars.                    
                                                            
63156 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Prof M-G                 



A NASA technician named Lars                                
Studied Sojourner's data from Mars                          
And announced: "It's colossal!                              
We can tell from this fossil                                
That the Martians smoked Cuban cigars."                     
                                                            
63157 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS                                 



The Martians have tried to retain us,                       
Their motives of course being heinous,                      
But we'll blast off real soon,                              
And swing by the moon,                                      
On a course heading straight for Uranus.                    
                                                            
63158 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Bob Birch           P0012



There once was a planet named Mars,                         
Where there were no wine bars.                              
They had one-celled life                                    
Who didn't know strife,                                     
But now they are on Earth in jars.                          
                                                            
63159 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Jim Weaver Collection    



Underneath the fractured scars,                             
Life was discovered on Mars.                                
Some think it's a crock                                     
That it got here on a rock,                                 
But them green dudes are now superstars.                    
                                                            
63160 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Jim Weaver Collection    



One night as I gazed at the stars,                          
I spotted the Red Planet Mars,                              
And thought of the rover                                    
Sent to look it over                                        
For water, air, hotels, and bars.                           
                                                            
63161 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Frank               T9707



NASA thinks that its rover on Mars                          
Beams back pictures of Mars rocks and spars.                
But it intercepts free                                      
Martian cable TV,                                           
Bringing Tucson to Mars VCRs!                               
                                                            
63162 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS                                 



Mars Orbiter's loss is obscene, be                          
The error that caused it quite teeny.                       
Let's all thank our stars                                   
That it happened on Mars,                                   
And not with the probe named Cassini!                       
                                                            
63163 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS                                 



NASA thinks that its rover on Mars                          
Beams back pictures of Mars rocks and spars.                
But the Martians they mucked up                             
Rover's 'lectronic hook up;                                 
Now rover sends back avatars.                               
                                                            
63164 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Karina                   



Returned from their first trip to Mars,                     
The explorers all headed for bars.                          
"The 'canals' that we dared                                 
Left us terribly scared --                                  
Those aren't people up there, they're cars!"                
                                                            
63165 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS                            P8211



A Martian inhabitant said,                                  
"A strange thing aroused me from bed.                       
It clanks and it squeals,                                   
And runs on six wheels,                                     
Has panels instead of a head.                               
                                                            
63166 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Chris Papa               



A label was stuck on its back,                              
Right under a balloon air sac.                              
It gave an address                                          
Which it said to express,                                   
"If found, back to Radio Shack."                            
                                                            
63167 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Crispy              T9707



A first time astronaut went to Mars;                        
He said this is much better than cars.                      
There's no shortage of gas;                                 
Asteroids often pass;                                       
But there's no choice when visiting bars.                   
                                                            
63168 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Arthur Pattaffy          



Eleven months after travelling through stars,               
A pathfinder will be landing on Mars.                       
Launched by Marianne                                        
(And not by Ariane)                                         
Let's hope the green men get some Bars.                     
                                                            
63169 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS                                 



She ventures outside without caution.                       
She doesn't need bagels to nosh on.                         
She thrives in thin air                                     
Digging samples up there...                                 
"Sojourner" is my favorite Martian.                         
                                                            
63170 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MARS        Mary Singer              



Through strato-, iono-, and troposphere,                    
Falls the space junk once known as Mir;                     
The locale specific                                         
Out in the Pacific,                                         
Is crowded with tuna-boat sightseers.                       
                                                            
63171 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Dr Limerick  03-22-01    



There was a young man with no fear,                         
Spent three weeks in orbit on Mir.                          
He hoped sex in freefall                                    
Would be new, but all                                       
He could do was to barf, the poor dear.                     
                                                            
63172 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Robert Elliot            



Mir was a space station rare;                               
The Soviets launched it up there.                           
It served man for years,                                    
Through laughter and tears,                                 
But then fell into disrepair.                               
                                                            
63173 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Tom Campbell             



The funding for Mir had gone dead.                          
"We must deorbit!" they said.                               
It streaked through the air                                 
With meteoric flare,                                        
Then fell to the ocean, like lead.                          
                                                            
63174 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Tom Campbell             



The Russians had to give up on Mir.                         
It got worse for year after year.                           
If Mir landed on a trawl,                                   
There were free tacos for all,                              
But she missed the target, I fear.                          
                                                            
63175 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Jerry Pool               



The Mir crew has proved itself able                         
To crash, and now cut a power cable.                        
Is there vodka on board?                                    
If so, how much is stored?                                  
Used as fuel, could it save the space stable.               
                                                            
63176 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR                             T9707



Astronauts on Mir roar in pain,                             
To keep the space station on gain.                          
But worn out rubber,                                        
Wires and air scrubber,                                     
Make me think Mir would lie down fain.                      
                                                            
63177 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Daniel Ford              



They're having more trouble on Mir.                         
The crew says, "We're not breathing here.                   
The oxygen's low;                                           
It's time that we go                                        
Back to Earth for the rest of the year."                    
                                                            
63178 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Jim Weaver Collection    



A crashed Russian spaceship called Mir                      
Will soon be abandoned, I fear.                             
'Cause each new cosmonaut                                   
Was so hurriedly taught,                                    
That there's no one aboard who can steer!                   
                                                            
63179 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         M. Mestert               



The cosmonaut, wiping a tear,                               
Was arrested, and managed, "Oh dear.                        
Comrades, in short,                                         
I have to report                                            
I've just smashed the hell out of Mir."                     
                                                            
63180 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Jerry Nordal             



MIR for many years "carried the freight";                   
Comes apart at the seams now, of late.                      
Once a stellar performer,                                   
Now with holes in her dormer;                               
It's time to retire her license plate.                      
                                                            
63181 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Tom Patton          P9710



Russia's MIR space station is creaky;                       
The toilets all smell and are leaky.                        
Ground technicians frown                                    
When computers shut down;                                   
The should a new MIR that's sleeky.                         
                                                            
63182 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Tom Patton          P9710



A Russian supply ship, I fear,                              
Has crippled the space station, Mir.                        
It bumped into Specter,                                     
And practically wrecked her.                                
I doubt it will last one more year.                         
                                                            
63183 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Frank               T9707



Soyuz Spektor problems are clear;                           
Station need space, price is dear;                          
Includes a Golem,                                           
Gremlins you call 'em,                                      
Result is the same: Vay iss Mir.                            
                                                            
63184 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Daniel Ford              



Yiddish is to German, I fear,                               
As Cockney to English, unclear.                             
It sounds like folks                                        
Had mouths of egg yolks,                                    
Few consonants in "Weh Ist Mir!"                            
                                                            
63185 SPACE - ROCKETRY - MIR         Daniel Ford              



Some fellow, aged fifty, but nifty,                         
Considers his life needs a lift.  He                        
Paid millions of bucks.                                     
Said Liz, "If he fucks,                                     
I'd take him to heaven for fifty."                          
(paid 20 million for Russian space ride)                    
63186 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Tiddy Ogg                



Your offer, Liz, we must appraise.                          
Your talents would surely amaze,                            
But one snag I see                                          
As to why it can't be...                                    
He's hoping to stay up for days.                            
                                                            
63187 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Tiddy Ogg                



There once was an astronaut, Rubble,                        
Who found himself deeply in trouble,                        
For cavorting in space                                      
And to NASA's disgrace,                                     
Displaying his balls to the Hubble.                         
                                                            
63188 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Cap'n Bean          P0208



What a marvelous cosmical trip                              
In Sagan's big-screened rocket ship...                      
With Carl turtle-necked,                                    
To the stars many trekked...                                
I miss his sly smile and wry quip.                          
                                                            
63189 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Tutta Gioia              



Colombia gone -- seven brave souls                          
Who each took on incredible roles                           
In the frontiers of space,                                  
With elan and grace,                                        
Accepting risk in pursuit of our goals.                     
                                                            
63190 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Al Bienstock             



Colombia gone -- and now we mourn.                          
It's a time when emotions are torn.                         
As we grieve for the dead,                                  
We must still look ahead --                                 
Honor them with a program reborn.                           
                                                            
63191 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Al Bienstock             



Colombia gone, incredibly,                                  
We feel like they're our family --                          
Each a permanent part                                       
Of our collective heart.                                    
To those brave astronauts, RIP.                             
                                                            
63192 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Al Bienstock             



To Dennis Tito, an ordinary guy!                            
Bought his way into space just to fly.                      
Where he goes today,                                        
I am happy to say,                                          
Opens doors, my friends, for you and I.                     
                                                            
63193 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Lynn Mostafa             



The new astronaut thought it hot                            
To be picked as a crew for the shot,                        
But alas she was pissed off                                 
To learn during lift-off,                                   
That "G"s are a force, not a spot.                          
                                                            
63194 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Bob Birch                



John Glenn's doing a very brave deed;                       
As he readies his mission, we plead:                        
Can we make a case                                          
To send into space                                          
All politicians with him, Godspeed!                         
                                                            
63195 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Frank Petersohn          



The Discovery crew weren't too keen,                        
When they saw something round, glowing green...             
But 'twas just John Glenn's face;                           
He was testing how space                                    
Affects old folks around Halloween!                         
                                                            
63196 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Prof M-G                 



Mused the septagenarian Glenn:                              
"Not the Congress, but space was my yen...                  
And I hear no great cheer                                   
For my Senate career,                                       
So I'm orbiting Earth once again!"                          
                                                            
63197 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Prof M-G                 



John Glenn, our great pilot ace,                            
Much abashed over Zippergate,                               
True blue and unblinking,                                   
Three stars for his thinking;                               
He's blasting to outer space!                               
                                                            
63198 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Jim Weaver Collection    



They said to old astronaut Glenn,                           
"You want to go up there again?"                            
He said, "I sure do;                                        
I'm at ease with it, too;                                   
'Cause it's somewhere I've already been!"                   
                                                            
63199 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Cap'n Bean          P9812



It's no longer called the "Space Race";                     
The U.S. secured the first place.                           
But now, in the sky,                                        
One wonders why                                             
We have our own geezer in space.                            
                                                            
63200 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Frank                    



John Glenn says we shouldn't besmirch                       
A tool whose best use is research;                          
Save slots on missions                                      
To give old politicians                                     
A grand final tax-financed splurge.                         
                                                            
63201 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Dr Limerick  05-06-01    



If John Glenn's on a space trip;                            
I gather his science chores are hip.                        
In fact the old butthole                                    
Is up in the shuttle,                                       
To test out "Depends" and "Polygrip!"                       
                                                            
63202 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      John Chastaine           



Though man may be proud of his race,                        
And medals his bosom does grace,                            
Yet he should not soft-pedal,                               
That he should pin a medal                                  
On the dog who was first into space.                        
(Laika - first space dog)                                   
63203 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Albin Chaplin   3024-2759



When the shuttle is launched into space,                    
To fly at a hell of a pace,                                 
The crew sleeps, works, talks,                              
Even goes for walks,                                        
Before it returns safely to base.                           
                                                            
63204 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Arthur Pattaffy          



The space shuttle was launched on a Sunday,                 
Carrying astronauts Corbet and Grundy;                      
After one day in orbit                                      
Said astronaut Corbet,                                      
"Look! Sic transit gloria Monday!"                          
                                                            
63205 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Nancy Henry-Kline   P9306



A great rocket expert, I've read,                           
Was a man who repeatedly said                               
That he aimed for the stars,                                
But sometimes," said Lars,                                  
"The fellow hit London instead."                            
                                                            
63206 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      A. N. Winkler       P8406



That great rocket scientist, Werner                         
Von Braun, when he was just a learner,                      
Ate chili one night,                                        
In hopes that he might                                      
Develop a great after-burner.                               
                                                            
63207 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE                               



I think he meant Wernher von Braun,                         
A fellow of world-wide renown,                              
Whose missiles brought tensions,                            
Not to mention large pensions                               
To the cripples of Old London Town.                         
                                                            
63208 SPACE - ROCKETRY - PEOPLE      Arthur Deex         P8406



There once was a civilization                               
Who looked on itself with elation.                          
We are all, it proclaimed,                                  
Till its model was maimed,                                  
By an alien communication.                                  
                                                            
63209 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Tim Pollack              



An exobiologist, Bligh,                                     
Thinks wonders may come from the sky:                       
"If SETI comes through,                                     
I'll know what to do                                        
Because I've read lots of sci-fi."                          
                                                            
63210 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Norm Storer         P0108



At night subtle frights fix my mind;                        
Am I the last one left behind?                              
Do we merely keep pace                                      
In a sad rodent-race?                                       
Oh whither, whence, wherefore mankind.                      
                                                            
63211 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Lassies Lover            



Intelligent life, I agree,                                  
Might have signalled deliberately.                          
But before they said "Over"                                 
Their home star went nova,                                  
And killed them, one million B.C.                           
                                                            
63212 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        William J Fraser         



A message from M-32                                         
On waterhole wavelengths came through.                      
It said, "Users stay clear,                                 
There's eavesdropping here...                               
The SETI League's tuned in to you!"                         
                                                            
63213 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Carol Ryles              



The SETI League aims to devise                              
A way to find life in the skies.                            
One day they will find                                      
The truth for mankind,                                      
And take home their own Nobel Prize.                        
                                                            
63214 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Carol Ryles              



There once was a little green man,                          
Whose signal I happened to scan                             
On the hydrogen line.                                       
This antenna of mine                                        
Is fulfilling the Seti League's plan.                       
                                                            
63215 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI                                 



The intelligent beings are out there,                       
From Vega, Deneb, or Altair.                                
It's only a matter                                          
Of hearing their chatter,                                   
Though translation is too much to bear.                     
                                                            
63216 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Mike Stauss              



They say there was life upon Mars,                          
When dinosaurs stuck in the tars.                           
But it couldn't think --                                    
Just sat in the drink,                                      
So we have to keep searching the stars.                     
                                                            
63217 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Steve Hillis             



They came across trillions of miles,                        
According to secret X-Files.                                
Now the good folks at SETI                                  
Want us to get ready                                        
And welcome them back with big smiles.                      
                                                            
63218 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Shaun Merrigan           



The stars are like dust up above us;                        
We might find some beings who love us.                      
But we'll never hear                                        
Or find them, I fear,                                       
Unless someone pushes and shoves us.                        
                                                            
63219 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Ken Ogger                



A message from space, most sublime,                         
Arrived in G-sharp, four-four time:                         
We've heard your transmission;                              
To pass our audition,                                       
Start sending us Mozaart, not Prime!                        
                                                            
63220 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Carol Ryles              



The signal from alpha Centauri                              
Brought SETI their sought-after-glory --                    
But imagine the huff                                        
When they decoded the stuff                                 
As a travelling sales-alien story.                          
                                                            
63221 SPACE - ROCKETRY - SETI        Adam B Davis             



There once was a thing called a V-2,                        
To pilot which you did not need to--                        
You just pushed a button                                    
And it would leave nuttin'                                  
But stiffs and big holes and debris, too.                   
                                                            
63222 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



Ja, ja, ja, ja!                                             
In Prussia they never eat pussy!                            
There ain't hardly cats enough,                             
There's garbage and that's enough,                          
So waltz me around again, Russky.                           
                                                            
63223 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There was a young fellow named Crocket,                     
Who had an affair with a rocket.                            
It you saw them out there                                   
You'd be tempted to stare,                                  
But if you ain't tried it, don't knock it!                  
                                                            
63224 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There was a young fellow named Hector,                      
Who was fond of a launcher-erector.                         
But the squishes and pops                                   
Of acute pressure drops                                     
Wrecked Hector's hydraulic connector.                       
                                                            
63225 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There once was a fellow named Moorehead,                    
Who had an affair with a warhead.                           
His wife moved away                                         
The very next day--                                         
She was always kind of a sorehead.                          
                                                            
63226 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There was a technician named Urban,                         
Who had an affair with a turbine.                           
"It's much nicer," he said,                                 
"Than a woman in bed,                                       
And it's sure as hell cheaper than bourbon."                
                                                            
63227 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There once was a fellow named Slattery                      
Who was fond of the course-gyro battery.                    
With that 50-volt shock,                                    
What was left of his cock                                   
Was all slimy and sloppy and spattery.                      
                                                            
63228 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There was a young fellow named Pope,                        
Who plugged into an oscilloscope.                           
The cyclical trace                                          
Of their carnal embrace                                     
Had a damn near infinite slope.                             
                                                            
63229 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There was a young fellow named Yuri,                        
Fucked the nozzle right up its venturi.                     
He had woes without cease                                   
From the local police                                       
And a hell of a time with the jury.                         
                                                            
63230 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There was a young man named McGuire,                        
Who was fond of the pitch amplifier.                        
But a number of shorts                                      
Left him covered with warts,                                
And set half the bedroom on fire.                           
                                                            
63231 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There once was a fellow named Ritter,                       
Who once slept with a guidance transmitter.                 
It shriveled his cock,                                      
Which fell off in his sock,                                 
And made him exceedingly bitter.                            
                                                            
63232 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There once was a fellow named Schroeder,                    
Who buggered the vane servomotor.                           
He soon grew a prong                                        
On the end of his schlong,                                  
And hired himself a promotor.                               
                                                            
63233 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



There was a young man from Decatur,                         
Who slept with a LOX generator.                             
His balls and his prick                                     
Froze solid real quick,                                     
And his asshole a little bit later.                         
(LOX - liquid oxygen)                                       
63234 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Thomas Pynchon      P8708



Okay now, here is the deal:                                 
I'll share my most bean-licious meal.                       
Then locked in embrace,                                     
We'll poof off into space,                                  
A-spin like a catherine wheel!                              
                                                            
63235 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     H                        



Some people may watch from below,                           
As methane and hydrogen blow.                               
We'll both light a flame --                                 
And go down in fame,                                        
In this most fart-riffic show!                              
                                                            
63236 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     H                        



Oh what a choice of propulsions!                            
Last week, it was uric emulsions,                           
That launched into space                                    
Your erotic embrace...                                      
Today you choose methane expulsions.                        
                                                            
63237 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     H                        



Of actions heroic I sing,                                   
Of names that forever will ring                             
In memory of man,                                           
Till the end of life's span...                              
Yes, Armstrong and Aldrin and...Thing.                      
                                                            
63238 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Now Nellie and Buzz and the other'un,                       
Soared up into space to heights wutherin';                  
So why'd they take Nellie?                                  
It said on the telly                                        
That Buzz and his friend needed motherin'.                  
                                                            
63239 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



The Yanks and the Soviets race,                             
At that time, to get into space,                            
Meant, first to the Moon,                                   
And pride would balloon...                                  
But did that bunch go to that place?                        
                                                            
63240 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Conspiracy theories abound,                                 
That trio never got off the ground.                         
In fact, my bambino,                                        
It's San Bernardino                                         
Where all of the action was found.                          
                                                            
63241 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



They took off on orbital flight,                            
Then landed the following night.                            
Says Nell's brother Louis,                                  
That moon stuff was phooey;                                 
They crept back and hid out of sight.                       
                                                            
63242 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



In order a movie to make,                                   
With NASA's prestige now at stake,                          
'Twas stage set design                                      
That made craters so fine;                                  
So fellows, the whole thing was fake.                       
                                                            
63243 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



Those Armstrongs, they both are now gorn.                   
Old Louis died, holding his horn.                           
Nell worked as a stripper,                                  
Then choked on a kipper                                     
And died in an alley, forlorn.                              
                                                            
63244 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Tiddy Ogg                



We prepare on a June afternoon,                             
To go to the moon very soon.                                
Explore the dark side;                                      
What does that side hide.                                   
Perhaps nothing more than rock strewn.                      
                                                            
63245 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Joel D Ash               



The rocket blasts off into space;                           
For all it will be a new place.                             
Scientists all prepared;                                    
Slightly nervous, not scared;                               
Some thoughts on the dangers we face.                       
                                                            
63246 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Joel D Ash               



The landing goes well in the dark,                          
Equipment and team disembark.                               
Lights are set out,                                         
Our party will scout,                                       
To search for a dark side landmark.                         
                                                            
63247 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Joel D Ash               



The foothills are eerie and strange,                        
At the edge of a stark mountain range.                      
Craters are deep,                                           
Terrain getting steep,                                      
Then suddenly we see a strange change.                      
                                                            
63248 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Joel D Ash               



Up ahead on the top of a peak,                              
Something looms very large and unique.                      
We cannot comprehend,                                       
It looks like a rear end;                                   
We just stare as we gaze at each cheek.                     
                                                            
63249 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Joel D Ash               



Is it real or a statue rock hewn?                           
Mooning us with its dropped pantaloon;                      
God! What a find!                                           
It's a grand behind!                                        
The backside of the Man in the Moon.                        
                                                            
63250 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Joel D Ash               



I'm the first man on the Moon;                              
They are sending a girl up quite soon.                      
She arrives in October;                                     
If I manage to probe yer,                                   
We'll expect the first moonling in June.                    
                                                            
63251 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



I'm the first man on the Moon;                              
I whistle and yodel and croon.                              
But because there's no air,                                 
And I'm here and you're there,                              
I fear you will not hear my tune.                           
                                                            
63252 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



I'm the third Pole on the Moon;                             
They'll send up the second one soon.                        
Note second, not fourth,                                    
'Cause the South and the North                              
Are Poles that weren't sent to the Moon.                    
                                                            
63253 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



I'm the first bouncing check on the moon,                   
And I go up and down like a loon.                           
Oh me and oh my,                                            
Each jump is so high,                                       
Making love takes a whole afternoon.                        
                                                            
63254 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



I'm the first laughing dog on the Moon.                     
And I'm having a quiet afternoon.                           
High up in the sky,                                         
A cow just passed by,                                       
With a fiddling cat, dish, and spoon.                       
                                                            
63255 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



Ah'm a wee laddie fra' Troon,                               
And Ah'm the first Scot on the Moon.                        
The whiskey is fine,                                        
While on haggis Ah dine.                                    
But ma' bagpipes will nae stay in toon.                     
                                                            
63256 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



I'm the first lunar arachnid,                               
Though confused, I will tell you what Jack did.             
He put in his finger,                                       
And wanted to linger.                                       
Miss Muffet said, "You lack the knack, kid."                
                                                            
63257 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



I am the first lunar sheep;                                 
There's no grass, and I've lost my Bo-Peep.                 
She fell down a crater,                                     
Now five lune-days later,                                   
Can't get out 'cause the sides are too steep.               
                                                            
63258 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



I am the first lunar cock,                                  
The ground is as hard as a rock.                            
Please tell me when                                         
You are sending a hen,                                      
'Cause I urgently need to raise stock.                      
                                                            
63259 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Professor                



An astronaut homesick for Perth,                            
Was blessed with a sizeable girth.                          
So he snacked on potatoes                                   
And fried green tomatoes,                                   
So he'd fall a bit faster to Earth.                         
                                                            
63260 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     John Miller              



Now all that he ate turned to gas                           
And quickly shot out of his ass.                            
But thinner or fatter,                                      
It just didn't matter;                                      
The capsule still had the same mass.                        
                                                            
63261 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     John Miller              



That poor astronaut -- what a fool;                         
His plight goes back to his school.                         
He spent his time eating                                    
In physics, not reading.                                    
So he missed the more pertinent rule.                       
                                                            
63262 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     ROE                      



There would have been no human race,                        
Were we in the vacuum of space.                             
Without any friction                                        
We've no predilection                                       
To practice our deepest embrace.                            
                                                            
63263 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



No friction, Dear one?  Au contraire!                       
There's lots of great friction out there.                   
But if your depravity                                       
Depends upon <gravity>,                                     
There's not a whole lot there to spare.                     
                                                            
63264 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



I use a great big rubber band                               
If bump and grind is in my plan.                            
I get 'em real strong,                                      
They last all night long,                                   
I tell ya, they're in big demand.                           
                                                            
63265 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



Snugly wrap the big band 'round your butt                   
And your honey's; get ready to strut                        
In time to the dance                                        
Of spatial romance,                                         
But do not, the hull plates, abut.                          
                                                            
63266 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



And if you start turning, resist!                           
I know it's fun, but I insist.                              
Centripetal force                                           
Will wither his 'horse'                                     
When, finally, you start to untwist.                        
                                                            
63267 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



It's verified, there's no refutin'                          
Of forces involved, no disputin'.                           
Our fun in the raw                                          
Is due to First Law                                         
Of Motion by Sir Issac Newton.                              
                                                            
63268 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



But if you want really hot sex,                             
And like things that just may perplex,                      
Join Schroedinger, Bohr                                     
Heisenburg, and more,                                       
Experience quantum effects!                                 
                                                            
63269 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



And, dear, before you had slept on                          
Board the ship we know you crept on                         
To in the night,                                            
It seems only right                                         
If quantumly, you would be lepton.                          
                                                            
63270 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES                              



An astronaut that some had called Ace,                      
Had a permanent smile on his face.                          
With his hand in his pocket,                                
He'd play with his rocket,                                  
But he wasn't thinking of space.                            
                                                            
63271 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Puff Adder               



A sign on the capsule implied,                              
Weightless jacking off was denied.                          
Ejaculation of gentry                                       
Would cause the re-entry;                                   
Newtons Third Law still applied.                            
                                                            
63272 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Irish                    



He thought he was just being cute                           
Inside his little space suit.                               
He moved his hands down                                     
To his bulging mound,                                       
While fondling his balls, to boot.                          
                                                            
63273 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Arden                    



I know Ace, his last name is Boblem.                        
He would stroke it from AM to PM.                           
But one day he found                                        
It wouldn't come round;                                     
Ahhhh...Houston, we have a problem.                         
                                                            
63274 SPACE - ROCKETRY - ZSERIES     Puff Adder               



The monkeys got smart in Transvaal;                         
A surprise in a lunar canal;                                
And out in deep space                                       
A disaster takes place                                      
Involving a main-frame name HAL.                            
                                                            
63275 SPACE - SCI FI                 Arthur Deex         P8409



Their starship's called "Dangerous Curls"                   
And its crew is entirely girls.                             
Their job's to hunt monsters                                
That have alien sponsors                                    
But their hobby's muff diving for pearls.                   
                                                            
63276 SPACE - SCI FI                                          



There was a young spaceman named Joe                        
Who was making a space girl too slow.                       
She said, "Don't be morbid;                                 
Eject into orbit,                                           
Because all of my systems are 'Go!'                         
                                                            
63277 SPACE - SCI FI                 B. Mandrovsky       G2605



I should never have trusted that elf                        
With his Time Machine there on my shelf.                    
He sent me so fast                                          
Back into my past,                                          
I ended up screwing myself.                                 
                                                            
63278 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8810



Things are not quite so bad as they seem.                   
Your friendship I'll justly redeem.                         
To prevent your wife's bedding,                             
You'll be sent to the wedding                               
With our Saracen transporter beam.                          
                                                            
63279 SPACE - SCI FI                                          



An Earth-landed Martian, quite bold,                        
Watched a slot machine spinning, controlled.                
When the jackpot was hit,                                   
And the flow wouldn't quit,                                 
He said, "You should take care of that cold!"               
                                                            
63280 SPACE - SCI FI                                     P8211



The astronaut, Captain Martinez,                            
Lost part of his dick while on Venus.                       
The doctors conferred                                       
And the verdict I heard -                                   
They've ordered a bionic penis.                             
                                                            
63281 SPACE - SCI FI                                     P8208



When I read my first S.F. literature,                       
I was struck by the front-cover piterature:                 
A beautiful girl                                            
On some alien wirl                                          
Being screwed by an alien criterature.                      
                                                            
63282 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2623



There was a young spaceman named Brimbles                   
Who mounted his girl while on gimbals.                      
And he marked the conclusion                                
Of their curious fusion                                     
With a violent crash on brass cymbals!                      
                                                            
63283 SPACE - SCI FI                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G2577



A maiden from distant Capella                               
Once married an Earthian fella.                             
Their offspring were queers,                                
With cunts in their ears,                                   
And their pricks were striped purple and yella.             
                                                            
63284 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2578



I once took a spaceship to Venus                            
And discovered girls there have a penis,                    
And men have broad hips,                                    
And in comic strips,                                        
Charlie Brown has a sister named Linus.                     
                                                            
63285 SPACE - SCI FI                 Chairman Steve           



A space marine taken in shame                               
On a new-subdued world with a dame,                         
Confessed at his trial:                                     
"I know it was vile--                                       
I conquered, I saw, and I came."                            
                                                            
63286 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2643



Those creatures from Alpha Centauri                         
Crave extra-terrestial glory                                
By conquering Earth,                                        
But what is that worth?                                     
Earth will win by the end of the story.                     
                                                            
63287 SPACE - SCI FI                 Isaac Asimov        P8211



A lady of breeding and grace                                
Was sick when she went into space.                          
Said a spaceman, "Goddommit,                                
What is all this vomit?"                                    
She said, "That ain't egg on your face!"                    
                                                            
63288 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8209



At the end of all civilization,                             
Is the Planet Terminus's location.                          
There's a girl there whose feat,                            
Without stone or concrete,                                  
Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.                     
(Do you know old Pinwheel Asimov? - McW)                    
63289 SPACE - SCI FI                                          



If you honeymoon out in space                               
There's this fact that you'll have to face.                 
In a state of free fall                                     
There is no weight at all,                                  
And your pecker just won't stay in place.                   
                                                            
63290 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2645



There's a dog on Jupiter that's tame;                       
He hasn't had too much acclaim.                             
This anomaly                                                
Was on the TV                                               
And the Great Red Spot is his name.                         
                                                            
63291 SPACE - SCI FI                 Jim Weaver Collection    



NASA found itself square in the middle                      
Of what may be the ultimate riddle.                         
No one likes "outercourse"                                  
"Spatial relations" is worse --                             
So they've settled on "High Diddle Diddle".                 
                                                            
63292 SPACE - SCI FI                 Arthur Deex         P8211



There was a huge spaceman from Venus                        
Who boasted a fourteen inch penis.                          
With a bimbo named Schwartz,                                
He shot nearly two quarts;                                  
You can't guess how much his wet dream is.                  
                                                            
63293 SPACE - SCI FI                 Clifford M. Christ  P8211



The Galactic Patrol in Convention                           
Called all the recruits to attention                        
And thanked Dr. Bean                                        
For his jack-off machine --                                 
A hell of a handy invention.                                
                                                            
63294 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8211



John Carter, the Warlord of Mars,                           
And a sizable Martian named Tars,                           
Lived by the blade;                                         
That being their trade,                                     
They're covered in glory and scars.                         
                                                            
63295 SPACE - SCI FI                 S. Dale             P8211



Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea:                      
Science fiction from last century,                          
In which author Jules Verne                                 
Could so clearly discern                                    
Submarines would one day come to be!                        
                                                            
63296 SPACE - SCI FI                 Prof M-G                 



A Swiss lady living in Berne,                               
As a child read a lot of Jules Verne.                       
Men up in the moon                                          
Came true all too soon.                                     
In what ways did his mind twist and turn?                   
                                                            
63297 SPACE - SCI FI                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a girl named Diane                           
Who travelled through space in a van;                       
At a quarter to one                                         
She drove to the sun                                        
Just 'cause she wanted a tan.                               
                                                            
63298 SPACE - SCI FI                                          



There once was a BEM from Neptune                           
Who had balls like a purple baboon.                         
So long was his thing                                       
That, from Saturn's first ring,                             
He could bugger the Man in the Moon.                        
(BEM - bug-eyed monster)                                    
63299 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2633



There was a young fellow from Mars                          
Whose cock was all covered with scars.                      
He'll tell you, when candid,                                
That when it expanded,                                      
It frequently bumped into stars.                            
                                                            
63300 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2629



The meteor miners of space                                  
Never lose their preeminent place.                          
Their suits, I suppose,                                     
Can be joined by a hose                                     
To a girls, to replenish the race.                          
                                                            
63301 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2646



On Lagash, after stars come in view,                        
The rebuilders by daylight are few.                         
Staying cultured is hard                                    
When all cities are charred,                                
And paternities dubious, too.                               
(honoring Isaac Asimov on Nightfall)                        
63302 SPACE - SCI FI                 Poul Aanderson      P8211



An explorer from Earth named McCrimmon                      
Found a planet with nothing but women.                      
When he asked how they bred                                 
Without husbands, they said,                                
"There's an ocean of sperm that we swim in."                
                                                            
63303 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2624



The Galactic Patrol is so tough                             
It will always display the Right Stuff.                     
In the dark of the night                                    
When the stuff is just right,                               
Patrolmen perform in the buff.                              
                                                            
63304 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8211



A space jockey now is old Hall,                             
With his famous octagonal ball.                             
And his bifocal penis                                       
When weighed upon Venus                                     
Still equals pi times fuck-all!                             
                                                            
63305 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2599



There are writers well versed in the rules,                 
And adept at employing their tools;                         
But the trouble with them's                                 
That, instead of true gems,                                 
They produce only counterfeit Jules.                        
(bemoaning current authors compared to Jules Verne)         
63306 SPACE - SCI FI                 Mark Grenier        P8211



Though man at his future has winked,                        
The answer is clear and distinct.                           
And the smart thing to do                                   
Is to put two in a zoo                                      
To preserve them before they're extinct.                    
                                                            
63307 SPACE - SCI FI                 Albin Chaplin 3024  P8211



An old NASA pilot named Green                               
In a far, far out orbit was seen                            
Space walking in May                                        
With a well known young gay.                                
Since then he's been know as Queen Green.                   
                                                            
63308 SPACE - SCI FI                 Calvin R. Openshaw  P8211



A young astronaut named McGraw                              
Sailed his spaceship with never a flaw.                     
But when he tried to maneuver                               
His girlfriend's 'hors d'oeuvre'                            
They went into a roll, pitch, and yaw.                      
                                                            
63309 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2625



"My mind", said the astronaut, "whirled                     
While joy currents eddied and swirled!                      
There was great copulation                                  
At that stellar space station!                              
It was sex that was out of this world."                     
                                                            
63310 SPACE - SCI FI                                          



To the Captain of Starship ROUGH-N-TUMBLE:                  
All you do is complain, bitch, and grumble.                 
So we must make it plain                                    
You will get no more grain --                               
You distill it and it soon makes you stumble.               
                                                            
63311 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8209



A young man, Michael Valentine Smith,                       
Was a stranger and strange to be with.                      
In this weird and strange land                              
His religion was banned --                                  
It was too full of truth and of pith.                       
                                                            
63312 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8409



Cosmos Bill of Galactic Patrol                              
Blasted off in a spaceship he stole.                        
Alas for poor Bill,                                         
He got more than his fill --                                
Sucked in by a passing black hole.                          
                                                            
63313 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8211



A rocketship captain named Mills                            
Was fond of uranium pills.                                  
This powerful tonic                                         
Made his farts supersonic,                                  
And sent him far over the hills.                            
                                                            
63314 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2633



The Terran who carries the fire                             
Is a construct of neurons and wire.                         
Alone and awaiting,                                         
He sits contemplating                                       
His limits and distant desire.                              
                                                            
63315 SPACE - SCI FI                 Garry R. Osgood     P8211



"I have," said a girl in Khartoum,                          
"Been blocked by the man in the moon."                      
But an astronaut's cock                                     
Had rodgered her twat,                                      
And blasted off there much too soon.                        
                                                            
63316 SPACE - SCI FI                                     P8211



Green meteors flashing at height.                           
John Wyndam was the one to write                            
Of blind people walking                                     
And poison plants stalking.                                 
Don't think I will look up tonight!                         
                                                            
63317 SPACE - SCI FI                 Archie                   



Poor Joe-Jim with one extra head,                           
Could not have a woman in bed.                              
"Since I cannot abet you,                                   
I never will let you,                                       
For I'm no voyeur!" each head said.                         
                                                            
63318 SPACE - SCI FI                                     G2600



The sex of the asteroid vermin,                             
Is exceedingly hard to determine.                           
The galactic patrol                                         
Simply fucks any hole                                       
That will possibly let all the sperm in.                    
                                                     (L0359)
63319 SPACE - SCI FI                 Tony Boucher       G2565b



I'll have to go back to Sci-Fi,                             
Probably someone like Jody Lyn Nye.                         
"Walking in Dreamland"                                      
Instead of in cream-land                                    
Or of heart palpitations I'll die.                          
                                                            
63320 SPACE - SCI FI                 Jim Weaver Collection    



I was lost in the hills of the moon                         
With the girl I would wed the next June.                    
She said, "What the hell,                                   
We might just as well --                                    
But I hope they don't find us too soon."                    
                                                            
63321 SPACE - SCI FI                 Neal Wilgus         P8810



An astronaut back from the stars,                           
append quite a commotion in bars.                           
He said, "This here penis                                   
Won first prize on Venus,                                   
And honorable mention on Mars!"                             
                                                            
63322 SPACE - SCI FI                 E. Christianson          



Oh, where do you spit out in space                          
Without getting it back in your face?                       
If you sneeze in your suit,                                 
You'll get snot in your snoot,                              
And where do you spit out in space?                         
                                                            
63323 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8209



Frontier Living's a lot of damn work,                       
But just smell bad, they'll call you a jerk.                
If you sweat like a pig,                                    
You won't finish the gig,                                   
And where do you spit out in space?                         
                                                            
63324 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8209



Oh, where should we spit out in space?                      
Knowing that in a card game's, an ace.                      
If you upchuck your lunch,                                  
You won't play your next hunch,                             
And where do you spit out in space?                         
                                                            
63325 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8209



Now I'm an old timer from Earth --                          
I've lived long and know what life's worth.                 
If you burp and you fart,                                   
They will set you apart,                                    
And where do you spit out in space?                         
                                                            
63326 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8209



I know you're concerned about waste,                        
So pardon my words and my haste.                            
If you piss and you shit,                                   
You'll be living with it,                                   
And where do you spit out in space?                         
                                                            
63327 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8209



Life goes on at the same goddamn pace,                      
And frustration's a part of the chase.                      
If you come in your pants,                                  
You might miss your chance,                                 
And where do you spit out in space?                         
                                                            
63328 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Neal Wilgus         P8209



Oh Captain!  Oh where did you go?                           
I'm still treading star dust, you know.                     
You gave me the boot                                        
In my pressure suit,                                        
And my air supply's now getting low.                        
                                                            
63329 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



Outside my suit -- absolute zero.                           
Inside, Well, I'm not playing Nero!                         
The temperature's dropping,                                 
And my ears are popping!                                    
Where's the Captain I thought was my hero?                  
                                                            
63330 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



Of free-fall, I've 'bout had my fill,                       
But still I have jism to spill.                             
I would like a rescue                                       
(To be lying in fescue)                                     
But the Captain would say, "Now well, chill!"               
                                                            
63331 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



Alone in full drop, spinning 'round;                        
I don't think I'll ever be found.                           
My Captain ran off                                          
For an alien boff,                                          
And is probably back on the ground.                         
                                                            
63332 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



Air low; pressure starting to drop.                         
I wish I could just call a cop.                             
Signed on as a hand, on                                     
The ship, now abandoned.                                    
The whole goddamned trip's been a flop!                     
                                                            
63333 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



It's coming in closer, I see                                
That it seems to be heading for me!                         
Is rescue at hand?                                          
Will they take me to land?                                  
Will they end my enforced revery?                           
                                                            
63334 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



Around me and around me the probe;                          
Now wheels and bathes me with a strobe.                     
I hope that it finds                                        
Me friendly.  Reminds                                       
Me how much I miss my own globe.                            
                                                            
63335 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



In tow by the shuttle, I'm taken.                           
In atmosphere now we are brakin'!                           
To land 'midst the X'aist                                   
Is better than spaced.                                      
Why the feelintg that all is forsaken?                      
                                                            
63336 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



To try to communicate, maybe a                              
Hearty "Hello'd" be a savia.                                
But NO, a force field's                                     
Defeated my shields,                                        
And pulled back my suit like a labia.                       
                                                            
63337 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



The ship sent a probe full of sensing                       
Equipment meant for the condensing                          
Of data, incoming,                                          
And later, for plumbing                                     
Responses, it should be commensing.                         
                                                            
63338 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES        Cyber Wizard             



I travelled the space lanes with 'Aitch,                    
And built up a monetary cache.                              
But he was quite cruel                                      
And fed me on gruel,                                        
And often he raided my stash!                               
                                                            
63339 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



We roamed 'round the sector named "X";                      
Found lifeforms with really weird sex.                      
Arrived and departed;                                       
Our ship was power-farted,                                  
Whenever old H flexed his pecs.                             
                                                            
63340 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Acquiring my own spaceship too,                             
Escaping the H-caused "phe-ew",                             
Across the parsecs                                          
Researching more sex,                                       
I finally found sector "Q".                                 
                                                            
63341 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Insatiable and feared and flirty,                           
The huge female, species named Querty;                      
Now this isn't funny,                                       
They have lots of cunny;                                    
They've quims, each around about thirty.                    
                                                            
63342 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



And all must be constantly filled;                          
They need to be constantly thrilled.                        
Each poor little male,                                      
Alone he will fail,                                         
For all of them are single quilled.                         
                                                            
63343 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



So in daylight or later in dark,                            
Or talking a stroll in the park,                            
The female's surrounded                                     
By numbers unbounded,                                       
Like Remora swim all 'round a shark.                        
                                                            
63344 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



The male, when he loses the knack,                          
Doesn't go very far on life's track.                        
He's removed from her hollow                                
And with just one swallow,                                  
Becomes a post-prandialish snack.                           
                                                            
63345 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Then elsewhere we found the race Qrl,                       
Who're shaped almost like a young girl.                     
What they do with their food                                
You may think is rude,                                      
And your stomach will soon start to swirl.                  
                                                            
63346 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



The Qrl eat the sentinent Qaart;                            
By their legs, they pull them apart,                        
And savour the scream                                       
As they dip them in cream,                                  
Which is served to them all "a la carte".                   
                                                            
63347 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Now further on we had to fight                              
The terribly nasty small Qyt.                               
They eat at your toes,                                      
They get up your nose,                                      
And fart in there just out of spite!                        
                                                            
63348 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



So we moved into parts better known,                        
Though law has not yet even grown.                          
There's plenty of crime;                                    
Only go in daytime,                                         
And never walk through there alone!                         
                                                            
63349 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



The Qrbals were where we arrived;                           
I'm quite sure that nothing there thrived.                  
After stealing our ship,                                    
They then tried to gyp                                      
When we asked for a drink in a dive.                        
                                                            
63350 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



They've very short arms and deep pockets,                   
So we gouged their beady eye sockets.                       
They howled in distress                                     
As we lifted their dress;                                   
Found gear like their arms, we mock it.                     
                                                            
63351 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Reclaiming our means of transport,                          
We moved to another space port                              
And found us a Qogg                                         
Who lives in a bog,                                         
And only with Qewes will cavort.                            
                                                            
63352 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



He served up a tipple of Qumpy;                             
It's mild and it tastes of oils sumpy.                      
He started to squirm                                        
When called by a Qerm,                                      
And left us - and boy, was he grumpy!                       
                                                            
63353 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



A few parsecs away we found Qete,                           
Who was dolefully beating his meat.                         
"The nuns in their habits                                   
Are off chasing rabbits",                                   
He explained to us in the sleet.                            
                                                            
63354 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



No enemas from sexy nurses;                                 
We felt all the unspoken curses;                            
And banned from the trains                                  
He suffers ball pains --                                    
He's standing 'round waiting for hearses.                   
                                                            
63355 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Across a small space lane, short haul,                      
Discovered a new world named Qaul.                          
A sentinent Qucket                                          
Wobbled as we'd fuck'it,                                    
Then served us a snail she'd called Saul!                   
                                                            
63356 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



On the soggy wet planet next door,                          
We found a loud Qirruk at the store.                        
He lost his Qutch spike                                     
In a hole in the dyke,                                      
And was trying to buy just one more.                        
                                                            
63357 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



We looked all around for a Qulla;                           
Our searches all came up as nulla.                          
To put it succinct,                                         
I think she's extinct                                       
Or else she has found a new fulla!                          
                                                            
63358 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



We looked at the next major trip                            
Across a wide dark barren strip,                            
Where untamed space storms                                  
Maraud in big swarms,                                       
And the skins off big spaceships do rip!                    
                                                            
63359 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



The sector this huge rift does split,                       
And almost our journey we quit.                             
For there's naught over there                               
That with here will compare --                              
Unlearned, uncouth and no wit.                              
                                                            
63360 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



For a while we will stay and deflower                       
Young Quals with all of our power.                          
And where do we stay?                                       
I hear someone say --                                       
Just look at the tall Qeiffel tower!                        
                                                            
63361 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Roman orgy you spot in B.C.;                                
Simply don an old sheet and go see;                         
You can join in the revel,                                  
Carefree and dishevel,                                      
Then flee into time fancy-free.                             
                                                            
63362 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



In your time machine, zoom to Bombay;                       
Ancient Indian way holding sway.                            
Every manner of sex,                                        
Some positions complex,                                     
So perhaps you will stay there all day.                     
                                                            
63363 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



These excursions replete with sex feat,                     
And it's easy to be quite discreet;                         
Meet with Helen of Troy,                                    
For some true Trojan joy;                                   
Satisfaction complete, so repeat.                           
                                                            
63364 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Those mysterious eyes so exotic,                            
That promise delights so erotic;                            
Cheekbones of the east,                                     
That tame the wild beast,                                   
With a look that is strangely hypnotic.                     
                                                            
63365 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



The beauty of Scheherazade,                                 
Complexion of faint goldenrod;                              
A dream nightingale,                                        
Releasing her veil;                                         
Almond eyes in the land of sweet nod.                       
                                                            
63366 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



The forbidden city of one's dreams,                         
Golden fantasyland of extremes;                             
Dark hair like a crown,                                     
Asian eyes upside down,                                     
Ecstasy in the midnight moonbeams.                          
                                                            
63367 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



I spy Mata Hari that night;                                 
Her eyes a Eurasian delight;                                
A dangerous glint,                                          
With a sexual hint;                                         
As James Bond I will make out all right.                    
                                                            
63368 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Dragon ladies arrive in a pack,                             
The three of them all dressed in black;                     
A slit to the thighs,                                       
A look in their eyes,                                       
Oriental nails raking my back.                              
                                                            
63369 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Shy young maiden a welcome contrast;                        
I see that her eyes are downcast;                           
So sweet and demure,                                        
Loving Asian allure,                                        
My fond hope that this dream won't end fast.                
                                                            
63370 SPACE - SCI FI - SERIES                                 



Android Data, though shy and well-meaning,                  
One day started wildly careening.                           
So the ship's engineers                                     
Checked his sprockets and gears,                            
And determined he needed spring cleaning.                   
                                                            
63371 SPACE - STAR TREK              S. M. Polonsky           



An attorney within the collective                           
Is soulless, but not irrespective                           
Of proprietors sole,                                        
With bank accounts whole,                                   
And the role of some well-placed invective.                 
                                                            
63372 SPACE - STAR TREK              Matt Trepal              



Now who on the crew was so naughty,                         
That when Kirk had sat down on the potty,                   
In the midst of a turd,                                     
They claimed they had heard,                                
The captain say "Beam me up Scotty!"                        
                                                            
63373 SPACE - STAR TREK              Bob Birch           P0012



The end of the series is near.                              
They will cancel us quickly, I fear,                        
For the crew is so pissed                                   
That they won't re-enlist,                                  
And you bastards can all kiss my rear!                      
                                                            
63374 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Dohner         P8901



The Enterprise crew when off work                           
Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.                             
Uhuru the Zulu                                              
Is shacked up with Sulu,                                    
And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.                     
                                                            
63375 SPACE - STAR TREK                                  G2617



There once was a guy from the morgue,                       
Who died from a Star Trekkie Borg.                          
Said Picard to Kirk                                         
When turning the dirk,                                      
"It's better to die by the sword."                          
                                                            
63376 SPACE - STAR TREK              Jim Weaver Collection    



We needed a crystal or two.                                 
(The dilithium was wearing through.)                        
Kirk showed miners this stunt,                              
Traded crystals for cunt.                                   
You'd have done the same thing, wouldn't you?               
                                                            
63377 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Dohner         P8901



Geordie is as blind as a bat,                               
But science has overcome that.                              
With his visor, he can see,                                 
From normal to microscopically,                             
But I still think he lookes like a prat.                    
                                                            
63378 SPACE - STAR TREK              Funny Bone               



A young engineer name Geordy,                               
Whose tool was a bit of a shorty,                           
Used a tetrion crystal,                                     
And a nuclear missle,                                       
To make his shorty more sporty.                             
                                                            
63379 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



Trouble started when Scotty expired,                        
Then when Kirk, Bones and Spock all retired.                
Star Fleet kept Enterprise                                  
And to economize,                                           
A schlock crew of used androids was hired.                  
                                                            
63380 SPACE - STAR TREK              William N Nesbit    P0012



There was a young lady called Jen,                          
Who had interesting methods with men.                       
The Captain, estatic,                                       
In the Enterprise attic                                     
Rated her 10 out of 10!                                     
                                                            
63381 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



You know Harcourt Mudd had it made.                         
This bastard would get himself laid                         
By the androids and such,                                   
For he didn't care much,                                    
But his old wife returned -- and she stayed!                
                                                            
63382 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Dohner         P8901



Mr Spock is a keen intellectual                             
And his snooping proved very effectual.                     
But he scarcely believed                                    
How they'd all been deceived:                               
Jim's a closeted heterosexual!                              
                                                            
63383 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



Jean Luc beamed as he said just to me,                      
"My dear, it was all meant to be.                           
I'll go with you                                            
To Holodeck Two,                                            
And act out your own fantasy."                              
                                                            
63384 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



So off hand in hand we did go.                              
The rest, you already should know.                          
He gave me a thrill,                                        
A la Dixon Hill.                                            
He certainly can "Make it so!"                              
(who is Dixon Hill? - McW)                                  
63385 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



When Kira to Odo got wise,                                  
She decided to give him a prize.                            
She let Odo neck her,                                       
And then grabbed his pecker,                                
And begged "Won't you please shift your size?"              
                                                            
63386 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



Kit was the Chief of Security,                              
Who never was know for her purity.                          
To the brig she would go                                    
With the Captain in tow,                                    
To enjoy punishment in obscurity!                           
                                                            
63387 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



"It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy.                           
"So lifeless and useless, your toy.                         
Tell Scotty where my bag is;                                
I beam down some Viagras                                    
And that young cute Klingon cabin boy."                     
                                                            
63388 SPACE - STAR TREK              Lee Malone         TP9807



There was an old Klingon named Urd                          
Who couldn't believe what he heard,                         
For the Enterprise crew                                     
All declared, "Urd, fuck you!"                              
And this made him feel like a turd.                         
                                                            
63389 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Dohner         P8901



Of the universe there's just one thing                      
Posed in the question I bring.                              
If a Cardassian's                                           
From Cardassia,                                             
Do the Klingons come from Kling?                            
                                                            
63390 SPACE - STAR TREK              Tom Patton          P0012



When we asked of a trekkie named Janus,                     
"The Enterprise Starship, explain us,                       
How bum is the same                                         
As the craft of that name."                                 
"Seeking Klingons, they circle Uranus."                     
                                                            
63391 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



Now toilet paper and the Enterprise                         
Have something in common, I surmise.                        
They both circle Uranus                                     
Looking for heinous                                         
Klingons as they brush by                                   
                                                            
63392 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



To go where no one's gone before,                           
Vowed the captains of Star Trekial lore.                    
But we knew where they'd been,                              
To the hair club for men!                                   
Because bald were three out of four.                        
                                                            
63393 SPACE - STAR TREK              H                        



Mr Scott found some time for his lassie                     
And was making her wail like a banshee.                     
Then the transporter stalled;                               
So Scott's duty called,                                     
So he left her to get off Scott-free.                       
                                                            
63394 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



Frequently, without reason or rhyme,                        
Scotty to Captain Kirk would say, "I'm                      
At a loss to know how                                       
To maintain orbit now,                                      
But as usual, I'll need more time."                         
                                                            
63395 SPACE - STAR TREK              Loren Fitzhugh      P0012



Captain Kirk of the Star Federation                         
Sought out strange worlds as his vocation.                  
Thou he often did sound work,                               
He just laid the groundwork                                 
For "Star Trek: The Next Generation."                       
                                                            
63396 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



"Miss Rand, how could you be so sore?",                     
The Captian post coitally did implore.                      
She replied, "I've done tribbles                            
And Spock once gave a nibble,                               
But you've been where no man has gone before."              
                                                            
63397 SPACE - STAR TREK              Phillip Carey            



They found many an alien race,                              
But of weird objects long lost in space                     
(Like that pain, Dr. Smith                                  
and Art Clarke's monolith)                                  
Star Trek failed to uncover a trace.                        
                                                            
63398 SPACE - STAR TREK              William N Nesbit    P0012



There once was a company evil,                              
Who own all things Trek, and so we will                     
Make no money off it,                                       
Not one shred of profit --                                  
Please archive for easy retrieval.                          
                                                            
63399 SPACE - STAR TREK              Sasscat Butory           



One time Odo decided that Quark                             
Would be okay to fuck as a lark.                            
Quark looked very icky,                                     
But Odo's not picky,                                        
As song as the room's really dark!                          
                                                            
63400 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



Sisko's a neurotic male.                                    
And Odo is pasty and pale.                                  
But that doesn't explain                                    
On the whole, in the main,                                  
Why only Quark gets any tail!                               
                                                            
63401 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



A captain referred to as Kirk                               
Had a swashbuckling zest for his work,                      
Shooting photon torpedoes                                   
At Klingon banditos                                         
Which drove folks at Star Fleet berserk.                    
                                                            
63402 SPACE - STAR TREK              Larry Hollister          



A captain with manner endearing                             
Lost bowel control in engineering.                          
He knew it was naughty                                      
To potty on Scotty,                                         
Expecially while he was steering.                           
                                                            
63403 SPACE - STAR TREK              Larry Hollister          



With dilithium crystals defective,                          
Captain Kirk solved it like a detective.                    
To the warp coils he fed                                    
Folger's crystals instead,                                  
Thus preserving the Prime Directive.                        
                                                            
63404 SPACE - STAR TREK              Larry Hollister          



Captain Kirk was the Enterprise head guy,                   
Who on shore leave, was never the dead guy.                 
His shirt was of yellow;                                    
The unlucky fellow                                          
Who bought the farm, oft was the red guy.                   
                                                            
63405 SPACE - STAR TREK              Larry Hollister          



Then Captain Kirk cried, "Kiss my ass!                      
These Romulan folk have no class!                           
They all shit their drawers                                 
When I mention STAR WHORES,                                 
And give me a great deal of sass."                          
                                                            
63406 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Dohner         P8901



The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter                         
Is not merely reading a meter.                              
By orders of Kirk                                           
A part of his work                                          
Is dosing the food with saltpeter.                          
                                                            
63407 SPACE - STAR TREK                                  G2613



There once was a woman of Scalos                            
Who had a idea that was callous.                            
She expected Jim Kirk                                       
To concur with her quirk                                    
And also provide proper phallus!                            
                                                            
63408 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Dohner         P8901



Each Friday his engines abort,                              
But Scotty is never caught short.                           
He fills his machines                                       
With space-navy beans,                                      
And farts the ship back into port.                          
                                                            
63409 SPACE - STAR TREK                                  G2618



The old engineer named Scott,                               
Had his prick fall off from the rot.                        
So he went to the basement,                                 
To make a replacement                                       
From tungsten, plastic, and snot                            
                                                            
63410 SPACE - STAR TREK                                  G2620



In the Engine Room, Officer Scott                           
And Nurse Chapel were getting all hot.                      
When Kirk said "Warp Nine!"                                 
Scotty started to whine                                     
"I'm givin' her all that I've got!"                         
                                                            
63411 SPACE - STAR TREK              Jim Weaver Collection    



The transporter circuits are dead,                          
But I just talked to Scotty, who said,                      
"Hoot! We'll fix them anon                                  
Or my name isn't John,                                      
But my name isn't John -- for it's Ned!"                    
                                                            
63412 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Dohner         P8901



There once was a woman from Venus                           
Who had a body shaped like a penis.                         
She said to the crew                                        
Of Star Trek Gen. II                                        
"Come to my place and we'll do something heinous!"          
                                                            
63413 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



That vixen called 7 of 9,                                   
Decided to ply Janeway with wine.                           
She downed one whole glass,                                 
Then 9 grabbed her ass,                                     
And said, "Okay bitch, now you are mine!"                   
                                                            
63414 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



There once was a Vulcan named Spock,                        
Who tried stroking his monstrous cock.                      
With lust, went berserk,                                    
And beseeched Captain Kirk,                                 
"Bend over, this shuttle must dock!"                        
                                                            
63415 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



Data has triple the toil                                    
Since his social life came to a boil.                       
His erector set                                             
Is so constantly wet,                                       
He needs sitz baths in 40 weight oil.                       
                                                            
63416 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



An Enterprise crewman named Amos                            
Became universally famous                                   
When his penis one night                                    
Went up out of sight,                                       
And deflowered six virgins on Deimos                        
                                                            
63417 SPACE - STAR TREK                                  G2619



There once was an sound artist named Sandy,                 
Who really could be quite randy.                            
If the Captain was off,                                     
Someone else she would boff;                                
She'd make use of whomever was handy.                       
                                                            
63418 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



Doctor Phlox and his wives, after dark,                     
Have a life that must out-kinky Quark.                      
Each wife has three guys;                                   
Each guy has three wives...                                 
I wonder, where do they all park?                           
                                                            
63419 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



"It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy.                           
"Its beauty was for all to enjoy.                           
At the inquiry, I'll back you,                              
That butterfly did attack you,                              
But next time use STUN not DESTROY!"                        
                                                            
63420 SPACE - STAR TREK              Lee Malone         TP9807



In his own sexy fantasy dreams,                             
Sulu is a great swordsman, it seems.                        
"All-for-one, one-for-all!"                                 
His voice rings in the hall --                              
All-for-him, is what he really means.                       
                                                            
63421 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



Aboard the good ship Enterprise,                            
Kirk et al trek through the skies.                          
They chase alien dears                                      
With long pointy ears.                                      
Spock's libido's a nasty surprise.                          
                                                            
63422 SPACE - STAR TREK              Lynn Mostafa             



My dick I call "Enterprise" for                             
Its long running quest to explore                           
What is unknown to some                                     
And boldly to come                                          
Where no man has come heretofore.                           
                                                            
63423 SPACE - STAR TREK              John Miller 0171         



The aliens, green and membranous,                           
Has phasers for dicks.  They were heinous!                  
They threatened Jim Kirk,                                   
"Submit to our dirk                                         
Or I'll photon torpedo Uranus!"                             
                                                            
63424 SPACE - STAR TREK              H Whelchel               



Kirk's penis started to dribble;                            
He wanted to fuck a tribble.                                
According to Spock,                                         
He had too big a cock.                                      
The creature only could nibble.                             
                                                            
63425 SPACE - STAR TREK              Jim Weaver Collection    



Though most of her crewmen are whites,                      
Uhura has full equal rights.                                
Her cremates, you see,                                      
Love Democracy                                              
And the way that she fills out her tights.                  
                                                            
63426 SPACE - STAR TREK              Anon                G2621



Take a look at the lovely Uhura;                            
Do you think the captain would do her.                      
Even if Kirk is gay,                                        
They'd still roll in the hay,                               
'Cause she has such a sexy allure-a.                        
                                                            
63427 SPACE - STAR TREK              Laura Goodwin            



While the Enterprise dealt with the dregs,                  
And subdued intergalactic yeggs,                            
It seems Spock had to carp                                  
Endlessly re: time warp,                                    
As Kirk ogled Uhura's great legs.                           
                                                            
63428 SPACE - STAR TREK              Loren C Fitzhugh    P0012



On the starship commanded by Kirk,                          
Uhuru, the radio clerk,                                     
Would hail and would hail,                                  
But 'twas to no avail.                                      
She never could make the thing work.                        
                                                            
63429 SPACE - STAR TREK              Lucas Hulp          P9306



Said crew girl Angelica Bauer,                              
"The captain's withdrawn, cold and sour."                   
Uhuru said, "No                                             
At night that's not so--                                    
He doesn't withdraw for an hour."                           
                                                            
63430 SPACE - STAR TREK                                  G2614



"He's dead, Jim" said Dr. McCoy.                            
"I think from his look of joy,                              
It was another case                                         
Of a breast in the face --                                  
Uhura has smothered the boy!                                
                                                            
63431 SPACE - STAR TREK              Barticus           TP9807



"Many wise men through history complain                     
That we use just one-tenth of our brain,"                   
Grumbled Captain James Kirk.                                
Spock, suppressing a smirk,                                 
Said, "The odds are nine-tenths they're insane."            
                                                            
63432 SPACE - STAR TREK              Don Moore           P0101



An opener of butt-hole to cock,                             
Uhura bent over for Spock.                                  
He spotted a Kling-on                                       
And thought "What a thing on                                
To practice my Vulcan lip-lock."                            
                                                            
63433 SPACE - STAR TREK              Kim                      



Then there's who's known for lack of mirth.                 
What about the planet of his birth?                         
From the planet Vulcan                                      
They are called Vulcans;                                    
Does that make us Earths from Earth?                        
                                                            
63434 SPACE - STAR TREK              Tom Patton          P0012



First Officer William T. Riker                              
Was considered by some as a piker.                          
These rumors grew great                                     
When he chose for a mate                                    
Instead of an eland, a duiker.                              
                                                            
63435 SPACE - STAR TREK              Actaeon                  



If Worf and Troi should wed,                                
The child conceived in their bed,                           
Would have a proclivity,                                    
Toward much hostility                                       
From the Klingon part of its head.                          
                                                            
63436 SPACE - STAR TREK              Jim Weaver Collection    



Worf has a lumpy forehead;                                  
Perhaps he just fell out of bed.                            
Klingons on Uranus,                                         
Are terribly famous,                                        
And mostly their kind are inbred.                           
                                                            
63437 SPACE - STAR TREK              Jayne               P0012



The Captain does have a first yeoman.                       
Their time with each other did grow and                     
We heard more and more                                      
As we passed by her door,                                   
The yeoman was urgin on, "Go man!"                          
                                                            
63438 SPACE - STAR TREK                                       



Beverly Crusher's no slouch with romance;                   
Had quite a few men in her pants.                           
A ghost and a Trill                                         
Proved to be quite a thrill,                                
And she even taught Data to dance                           
                                                            
63439 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Actaeon                  



Next-Gen is the one that I view,                            
The one with the beautiful crew,                            
And Beverly Crusher                                         
Wears far too much blusher;                                 
Will Riker wears far too much too.                          
                                                            
63440 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Jayne                    



Consider, now, Beverly Crusher,                             
As active a role as an usher.                               
Sometimes a researcher,                                     
Or called on to nurture.                                    
At least the new sick bay's much plusher!                   
                                                            
63441 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Lucas Hulp    P0012 P9306



The new Enterprise is much plusher,                         
And it's hydroponics are lusher.                            
But despite all that gloss,                                 
I'm still at a loss,                                        
Why they don't call the doctor "Bones" Crusher.             
                                                            
63442 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Arthur Deex         P0010



So here is the medic, named Bones,                          
Who speaks in the softest of tones.                         
He will give you a shot                                     
In the balls or the twat                                    
And listen, perchance, to your moans.                       
                                                            
63443 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      John Dohner         P8901



Bones McCoy, that old Star Trek physician,                  
Has passed on to his heavenly mission.                      
No more will he say                                         
To Kirk, "By the way,                                       
I'm a doctor, Jim, not a magician."                         
                                                            
63444 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Barbara Tepper      P0011



Doc McCoy thrust away at a Horta,                           
But his temper grew shorta and shorta.                      
For the rock had no slit                                    
Into which he could fit.                                    
When asked if he came, he said, "Sorta."                    
                                                            
63445 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Actaeon                  



It's an Enterprise posting I dread;                         
As the new man, I'd hide in the head.                       
I'd never go down                                           
With Kirk to the ground,                                    
Else Bones soon would say, "Jim, He's dead!"                
                                                            
63446 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES                               



McCoy is a surgeon superb,                                  
There's one rumor it's now time to curb --                  
One of lifes's great unknowns --                            
Why he called Doctor "Bones",                               
When it's not a noun, it's a verb.                          
                                                            
63447 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Laura Goodwin            



McCoy's a seducer galore,                                   
And of virgins he has quite a score.                        
He tells them, "My dear,                                    
You're the Final Frontier,                                  
Where man never has gone before."                           
                                                            
63448 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES                          G2615



"It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy.                           
We're out of our safe fuel alloy.                           
So as long as we're stopping,                               
Let's you and me go shopping;                               
You need a new pajama top, my boy."                         
                                                            
63449 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Lee Malone         TP9807



In sickbay, Nurse Chapel made moans                         
That made the whole crew hold their phones.                 
"Oh Doctor!" she cried,                                     
"With McCoy deep inside,                                    
This must be how he got the name 'Bones."                   
                                                            
63450 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Actaeon                  



"You're dead, Jim, we'll dig you a pit,                     
And plant flowering bulbs over it.                          
We'll let your corpse nourish                               
The plants and they'll flourish,                            
'Cause Jimmy boy, you're full of shit.                      
                                                            
63451 SPACE - STAR TREK - BONES      Tiddy Ogg                



Bill Shatner, a ham without equal,                          
Acting talent had barely a creekful.                        
His odd, halting phonics                                    
And bridge histrionics                                      
Made everyone dread the next sequel.                        
                                                            
63452 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Larry Hollister          



There once was an Aussie named Ali.                         
Sandy swore she was really her pally.                       
Though she's a deceiver,                                    
But now we believe her;                                     
The Captain with Ali did dally.                             
                                                            
63453 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN                             



There once was a redheaded Cap'n,                           
Who wouldn't let anything happen.                           
But when Tom made an offer                                  
To come by and boff her,                                    
She just couldn't wait for the lappin'.                     
                                                            
63454 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Sasscat Butory           



A starship commander named Kirk,                            
Emerged from his cabin berserk.                             
He grabbed a girl yeoman                                    
Beneath the abdomen,                                        
And gave her a physical jerk.                               
                                                            
63455 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN                        G2609



There once was a Caaptain named Kirk,                       
From an obscure television quirk.                           
The fans were elated;                                       
The show syndicated.                                        
Now Kirk counts his cash with a smirk.                      
                                                            
63456 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Anon                     



You're dead Jim, we'll dig you a pit,                       
And plant flowering bulbs over it.                          
We'll let your corpse nourish                               
Those plants, and they'll florish,                          
'Cause Jimmy boy, you're full of shit.                      
                                                            
63457 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a Captain named Kirk                         
Whose follicles just didn't work.                           
He gave them a hand,                                        
The best wig in the land --                                 
He looked like a Galactical Jerk.                           
                                                            
63458 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Anon                     



There once was a Captain named Kirk,                        
An actor who needed the work.                               
To cons he'd attend;                                        
Cast member offend;                                         
Now they all think that he is a jerk.                       
                                                            
63459 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Anon                     



James T. Kirk was a captain in space;                       
He liked girls not of his own race.                         
Kirk didn't care                                            
What parts they had where,                                  
As long as they sat on his face!                            
                                                            
63460 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Barticus           TP9807



James T. Kirk has surely no equal                           
For seducing fair maidens of weak will.                     
When he meets a cute alien,                                 
His trousers go sailin',                                    
And the offspring come back for a sequel.                   
                                                            
63461 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Actaeon                  



If you join the Captain at play,                            
And you're lost for something to say,                       
It's polite to inquire                                      
In husky desire,                                            
Just how he'd like his Earl Gray.                           
(Earl Gray is a kind of tea - McW)                          
63462 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN                             



There once was a man from a starship,                       
To gaze upon him was no hardship.                           
We are the crew of                                          
Jean Luc's Ship of Love;                                    
We're off on a long, lively trip.                           
                                                            
63463 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN                             



Marika can pilot a shuttle.                                 
Her technique you would not call subtle.                    
Off she would dash,                                         
The shuttle to crash,                                       
Just to get Jean Luc in a tight cuddle.                     
                                                            
63464 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN                             



Captain Kirk was the Enterprise head guy,                   
Who on shore leave, was never the dead guy.                 
His shirt was of yellow;                                    
The unlucky fellow                                          
Who bought the farm, oft was the red guy.                   
                                                            
63465 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Larry Hollister     P0012



The whole Federation salutes                                
Captain Kirk and his manly pursuits.                        
In the evening, so tender                                   
With the opposite gender;                                   
In the morn he just puts on his boots.                      
                                                            
63466 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Lucas Hulp          P9306



Captain KIrk follows one simple credo:                      
"I let nothing deter my libido!                             
I seduce female aliens,                                     
(Be they gorns or mammalians)                               
And show them my photon torpedo."                           
                                                            
63467 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Lucas Hulp          P9306



There once was a Captain named Kirk                         
Who from danger never did shirk.                            
The Klingons all feared him;                                
The humans revered him.                                     
He never at all went berserk.                               
                                                            
63468 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Anon                     



Mr. Spock and Dr. Bones                                     
Have found something in Kirk's throne;                      
Through the green fog                                       
And noxious smog,                                           
The Captain's log is now left alone.                        
                                                            
63469 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN                             



To the one true Shatner and cast                            
Of the best Trek series now past,                           
We mourn your demise;                                       
Boys all chest; girls all thighs;                           
And fly our flags, like our pants, at half-mast.            
                                                            
63470 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Anon                     



Picard is the bald headed chap,                             
Between his hairs is a wide gap.                            
But don't mention aloud                                     
To the next-gen crowd,                                      
Or his phaser will give you a zap.                          
                                                            
63471 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Funny Bone               



Kirk was best friends with Spock;                           
And on weekends he dressed in a frock.                      
There's a place on the ship                                 
Wherein he can strip,                                       
And give all the crewmen a shock!                           
                                                            
63472 SPACE - STAR TREK - CAPTAIN    Anon                     



Spock said to Bones, "Don't be pissed,                      
Because I deduced that you're limp in the wrist.            
It's only logical,                                          
For us to wax scatological,                                 
Bend over, I'll fuck ass with my fist."                     
                                                            
63473 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a Trekkie named Jock,                        
Who had strange pointy ears on his cock.                    
On his dick he did trace                                    
A familiar face,                                            
And henceforth his prick answered to 'Spock'!               
                                                            
63474 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Pete Fintschenko         



"Uhura," said Kirk, "dry your tears!                        
That Klingon's the least of our fears;                      
Prepare for the shock --                                    
Our own Mr. Spock                                           
Has had a nose job on his ears!"                            
                                                            
63475 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Liam Reidy          P8502



"It's dead, Jim." said Dr. McCoy,                           
"But I can't tell if it's girl or boy."                     
Kirk zipped up and said,                                    
"Well, it sure gave great head.                             
Even Spock can't bring me more joy."                        
                                                            
63476 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      H Whelchel               



A girl on the Enterprise crew,                              
Refused every offer to screw.                               
But a Vulcan named Spock                                    
Crawled under her smock,                                    
And now she is eating for two.                              
                                                            
63477 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                          G2610



Ther once was a spaceman named Spock.                       
Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.                             
A girl from Missouri                                        
Whose name was Uhuru                                        
Just fainted away from the shock.                           
                                                            
63478 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                          G2616



When Spock, the unflappable Vulcan,                         
Gets his seven year itch, he starts sulkin'.                
When his girl comes in sight,                               
They will mate day and night,                               
To the point where he can't get his bulk in.                
                                                            
63479 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Actaeon                  



On a planet named Betelgeuse IV                             
Mr. Spock ass-melds Ursa, the whore;                        
"Oh my," says the slut                                      
While rubbing her butt,                                     
"Only Chekhov has come there before!"                       
                                                            
63480 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Mark Levy           P0012



"I'm so happy and gay to play Kirk,"                        
Says Bill Shatner, concealing a smirk;                      
"If you saw that huge cock                                  
On my pal Mr. Spock,                                        
You would know why he drives me berserk!"                   
                                                            
63481 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Mark Levy           P0012



A beam -- Down come Kirk and old Spock;                     
They find themselves out on a rock,                         
Confronting a druid:                                        
"Welcome to Clwyd,"                                         
He says. Then to Spock: "What's up, doc?"                   
                                                            
63482 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



"Oh hell," says Spock. "Why is it that,                     
Wherever I go, there's some prat                            
Thinks me, with derision,                                   
A pediatrician?                                             
Who wrote 'bout the cat with a hat?"                        
                                                            
63483 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



"Now Spock," says Kirk, "Chill out, hang loose.             
You're thinking of that Doctor Seuss.                       
Doc Spock was a phoney,                                     
Talked utter baloney,                                       
On how to bring up a papoose."                              
                                                            
63484 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



"Now druid, we've been out of luck;                         
Been light-years without a good fuck.                       
Nowt but a young houri                                      
On Alpha Centauri,                                          
And a fat Betelgeusian duck."                               
                                                            
63485 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



So druid Alf starts on his sales                            
Talk: "This thing here never fails,                         
I got it mail or-                                           
Der from Ogg's hardware store,                              
Attracts girls from all over Wales."                        
                                                            
63486 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



He delves in his robe for to show it,                       
A whistle-type thing.  "You just blow it,                   
And girls will come visit."                                 
Says Kirk: "Spock, what is it?"                             
"A fife, Jim, but not as we know it."                       
                                                            
63487 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



The whip-poor-will sings for his lass;                      
The shades of the night now fall fast...                    
Or as poets say                                             
In their flowery way:                                       
'Tis dark as a coal miner's ass.                            
                                                            
63488 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



Thus Spock and Kirk trudge through the gloom,               
A dwelling they spy, none too soon.                         
A toot on the flute                                         
Makes a hoot like a coot,                                   
And there, in the light of the moon...                      
                                                            
63489 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



And now in suspense I will keep                             
You, while my poor brainwaves can creep,                    
To bring the denoue-                                        
ment, (As yet I've no clue,)                                
A fair bet though, that it involves sheep.                  
                                                            
63490 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



A sign reads "The Sisters of Percy".                        
Spock cries "Kirk, we got to reverse!"  He                  
Runs, but too late...                                       
We all know his fate...                                     
"It's Sister Christina.  Cry Mercy!"                        
                                                            
63491 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



There's no time to stand round and mope.                    
Kirk thinks, gee, we've only one hope.                      
Grabs Spock by the ears,                                    
Despite Chrissie's jeers,                                   
Screams "Beam us up Spotty, you dope!"                      
                                                            
63492 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



The moral of this tale, my dears --                         
Don't let it fall on deaf spock-ears --                     
Is don't flaunt your whistle,                               
Or mad Sister Chris'll                                      
Soon have your manhood, I fears.                            
                                                            
63493 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



"Oh hell!" says Spock. "Why is it that,                     
Wherever I go, there's some prat                            
Thinks me, with derision,                                   
A pediatrician?                                             
Who wrote 'bout the cat with a hat?"                        
                                                            
63494 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Anon                P0012



The Enterprise girls, so one hears,                         
Have chased Spock for several years.                        
His look of disdain                                         
Has spared them great pain,                                 
For his prick is as sharp as his ears.                      
                                                            
63495 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                          G2612



There once was a Vulcan named Spock                         
Whose dick was too large for his jock.                      
He, in front of the crew,                                   
Gave Uhuru a screw,                                         
And Kirk, the poor jerk, was in shock!                      
                                                            
63496 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      John Dohner         P8901



The ears that adorned Mr Spock                              
Gave many a gal quite a shock;                              
Had they looked further down                                
They'd have seen half a pound...                            
Of prime Vulcan meat, hard as a rock.                       
                                                            
63497 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



The ears were a cunning disguise                            
And masked his enormous surprise                            
Before they could blink                                     
He'd be into the pink,                                      
And be pounding like mad, 'twixt their thighs.              
                                                            
63498 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



And boy, when he wiggled them ears,                         
The flood of emotion weren't tears.                         
His matter transferred,                                     
He would flip them the bird.                                
Yes, old Spock was a man without peers.                     
                                                            
63499 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK                               



Uhuru looked at Mr. Spock                                   
And wondered of the cut of his cock.                        
She snuck to his room,                                      
And there in the gloom                                      
Was Sulu and Spock's cock in lip lock!                      
                                                            
63500 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      John Chastaine           



Harry Mudd had brought three sexy lasses.                   
Mr Spock, he was making no passes,                          
But when they were done talking,                            
And they they got to walking,                               
Captain Kirk cuaght Spock watching their asses.             
                                                            
63501 SPACE - STAR TREK - SPOCK      Laura Goodwin            



A dazzling princess Amanda,                                 
Was screwed in the sky with Miranda.                        
She moaned, "Skywalker!                                     
Jedi powers to cock her,                                    
Can be used for us three on the veranda."                   
                                                            
63502 SPACE - STAR WARS              Anon                     



Said Han Solo to his friend Chewbacca,                      
My dick's coverd up with your caca.                         
Next time use this tonic                                    
For a cleansing colonic                                     
You also should use some Binaca(TM).                        
                                                            
63503 SPACE - STAR WARS                                       



An alien Jedi named Rhoda                                   
Could turn a flat beer into soda.                           
She'd douche with a brew,                                   
Cunt-fart CO2,                                              
And sweeten it up with some Yoda.                           
                                                            
63504 SPACE - STAR WARS              H WHELCHEL               



Darth Vader can kill his detractors,                        
Without weapons or hands being factors.                     
He just gives them "the eye"                                
And they gasp, choke, and die,                              
Displaying their talents as actors.                         
                                                            
63505 SPACE - STAR WARS              Larry Hollister          



A sextet of nymphs and a satyr                              
Were fucked half to death by Darth Vader.                   
Satisfied them of course,                                   
Because he used the 'Force',                                
And a dick like a foot-long potater.                        
                                                            
63506 SPACE - STAR WARS              John Chastaine           



That horny old Jedi, Darth Vader,                           
Had foreskin as rough as a gator --                         
Princess Leia said "No,                                     
That thing's got to go!"                                    
The force was with him, so he ate her!                      
                                                            
63507 SPACE - STAR WARS                                       



The Cyborgian villain, Darth Vader,                         
Dragged a girl to his cabin and laid her.                   
Then to finish his task,                                    
Munched her muff with his mask,                             
Which made her considerably staider.                        
                                                            
63508 SPACE - STAR WARS              Robin K. Willoughby P8402



So Darth Vaader is Luke Skywalker's Dad,                    
Of that I am sure he is glad.                               
Sister Leia's there too,                                    
It's a family do,                                           
And the force is strong with this lad.                      
                                                            
63509 SPACE - STAR WARS              Funny Bone               



To our horror, the Death Star erases                        
Leia's planet, without any traces.                          
Seeking out stolen plans                                    
In their enemies hands,                                     
They've been looking in Alderan places.                     
                                                            
63510 SPACE - STAR WARS              Larry Hollister          



At a posh, premiere showing of "Star Wars",                 
Two sharp valets opened two car doors,                      
And out stepped Obi Wan,                                    
And Chewbacca and Han                                       
With an entourage of toothless bar whores!                  
                                                            
63511 SPACE - STAR WARS              Trainman                 



Star Wars happened a long way away,                         
Where spacemen and aliens play.                             
If they ever came near,                                     
I very much fear                                            
George Lucas would have hell to pay.                        
                                                            
63512 SPACE - STAR WARS              Tony Burrell             



While meeting my good friend Han Solo,                      
(He now drives a Volkswagen Polo)                           
I asked if he'd mind,                                       
If we bump and grind,                                       
But he just offered me his last Rolo.                       
                                                            
63513 SPACE - STAR WARS              Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young man named Han,                       
Who dropped all his goods and then ran.                     
He got into a rut                                           
With Jabba the Hut,                                         
Who froze him in a Carbonite can.                           
                                                            
63514 SPACE - STAR WARS              Erin Weldon              



Jabba the Hutt had a thing                                  
So monstrous, he needed a sling.                            
The princess he poked                                       
With both titties yoked,                                    
And each of her buns on a spring.                           
                                                            
63515 SPACE - STAR WARS              H Whelchel               



Where was he hiding his thing?                              
I again looked for his ding-a-ling.                         
Oh, how could I fail                                        
To think that his tail                                      
Was all just for copulating.                                
                                                            
63516 SPACE - STAR WARS              Marlene Lewis            



"The Falcon" is in for repair;                              
Chewbacca has shaved off his hair;                          
And Leia's a dike,                                          
With a large motorbike.                                     
Sometimes life is just so unfair.                           
                                                            
63517 SPACE - STAR WARS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A Wookie who lived in a spoor pit                           
Would feed mutant Wampas on core grit.                      
And when one would fart,                                    
He'd light its aft-part,                                    
And see if it would attain orbit.                           
                                                            
63518 SPACE - STAR WARS              H Whelchel               



Han wanted to pay Leia a buck.                              
She said "No way you dumb cluck!"                           
"You want cheap nookie                                      
Go talk to your wookie.                                     
With me, You're shit out of luck!"                          
                                                            
63519 SPACE - STAR WARS              Jim Weaver Collection    



Since Starwars has again started showin',                   
Lucasfilms bottom line has been growin'.                    
Now, I may be amiss,                                        
But my question is this:                                    
Who's caring for poor Uncle Owen?                           
                                                            
63520 SPACE - STAR WARS              Trainman                 



Luke met him in Degobaw,                                    
The strangest thing I ever saw.                             
Wrinkled and green,                                         
On a staff he did lean;                                     
A teacher of universe law.                                  
                                                            
63521 SPACE - STAR WARS              Gearhart                 



He taught Luke about the force,                             
And how to tap this resource.                               
If he would but listen                                      
And learn Yoda's wisdom,                                    
He would have no room for remorse.                          
                                                            
63522 SPACE - STAR WARS              Gearhart                 



Jedi Knigh he was destined to be,                           
Though not one immediately.                                 
He had to return                                            
To Yoda to learn                                            
To make sequels indefinitely.                               
                                                            
63523 SPACE - STAR WARS              Gearhart                 



The spy who came in was a mole.                             
To Congo his services sold.                                 
The trend of this thought --                                
Came in from the hot                                        
Six months and six months from the cold.                    
                                                            
63524 SPIES AND SECURITY             Irving Superior     P8606



A government agent named Peek                               
Used to transmit dispatches in Greek;                       
But he kept getting "typto"                                 
Mixed up with "crypto,"                                     
And caused a security leak.                                 
                                                            
63525 SPIES AND SECURITY             Ray Wilbur          P8512



A CIA spook name of Luke,                                   
Was chasing a kook with a nuke.                             
A miscalculation                                            
Cause Luke's immolation                                     
And also a gentle rebuke.                                   
                                                            
63526 SPIES AND SECURITY             Ed Potts            P8603



There are several old agents who boast                      
That in Washington spying at most                           
Requires few deceptions.                                    
They attend all receptions                                  
And simply subscribe to the Post.                           
                                                            
63527 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



Baby Doc, most observers surmise,                           
Gave the Tontons Macoute a surprise                         
By taking French leave.                                     
Now there'll be, they perceive                              
Open season on government spies.                            
                                                            
63528 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



Empress Catherine knew how to stall                         
Male spies and to have her a ball.                          
She'd take them to bed                                      
And keep them, it's said,                                   
Too busy to learn much at all.                              
                                                            
63529 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



A young captive spy in Manila                               
Is forced to screw wolf or gorilla;                         
Smirked his captors, "Gee Whiz,                             
The decision is his,                                        
He's caught 'twixt Charybdis and Scylla."                   
                                                            
63530 SPIES AND SECURITY             Armand E Singer       459



Through the front door came the foreign spy,                
To steal secrets -- as easy as pie.                         
The denial by China,                                        
Would give one angina,                                      
'Cause it's such a rotten damn lie.                         
                                                            
63531 SPIES AND SECURITY                                      



They say that Mr Wen Ho Lee                                 
Has leaked our secret technology,                           
While he worked at the lab.                                 
Did his friends go blab?                                    
What a chink in our security.                               
                                                            
63532 SPIES AND SECURITY             Frank Petersohn          



It was once held that spying was treason                    
And one could be shot for that reason.                      
Since the Rosenberg case,                                   
We are in a new place;                                      
Spying's O.K if onLee in season.                            
                                                            
63533 SPIES AND SECURITY             Loren Fitzhugh      P0011



The Department Of Energy sighed,                            
'Twas not upon race they relied                             
In fingering Lee,                                           
An ethnic Chinee,                                           
Who'd stolen some secrets and spied.                        
                                                            
63534 SPIES AND SECURITY             Matthew Montchalin       



They asked of poor Notra Trulock,                           
"How many old secrets were stock?"                          
He squirmed and returned                                    
That secrets were learned                                   
Or passed with each tick of the clock.                      
                                                            
63535 SPIES AND SECURITY             Matthew Montchalin       



But what about claims that he told                          
His flunkies that workers be polled?                        
"The Chinks you do first,                                   
For they are the worst.                                     
Their loyalties easily sold."                               
                                                            
63536 SPIES AND SECURITY             Matthew Montchalin       



Said Vooman and Washington, too,                            
"This character Trulock is who                              
Examines your face                                          
And looks at your race,                                     
But otherwise hasn't a clue."                               
                                                            
63537 SPIES AND SECURITY             Matthew Montchalin       



Defensively, Trulock explained,                             
That Chinks by themselves were to blame.                    
"Just those with those eyes;                                
They're probably spies.                                     
I'd think they were Red-Army trained."                      
                                                            
63538 SPIES AND SECURITY             Matthew Montchalin       



Bill Clinton's barely escaped the clink.                    
He's not too remorseful I think.                            
Joking about Los Alamos                                     
Where secrets did vamanos,                                  
"In national security, there's a chink."                    
                                                            
63539 SPIES AND SECURITY             Tom Simon                



A CIA agent named Glover                                    
Begged head from a quick-witted lover,                      
Who cracked, "Your erection                                 
Has condom protection --                                    
Would your boss mind my blowing your cover?"                
                                                            
63540 SPIES AND SECURITY                                      



FBI, CIA, and the rest                                      
Are they N.F.G. when comes the test?                        
The U.K., M.I.5,                                            
Is it really alive?                                         
Spokesmen don't know what to say is the best.               
                                                            
63541 SPIES AND SECURITY             Arthur Pattaffy          



The spymaster's plans went awry,                            
And he said with a tear in his eye,                         
"I'm sad and distraught,                                    
For all that I caught                                       
Was the cold that came in from the spy."                    
                                                            
63542 SPIES AND SECURITY             Ed Potts            P8603



I've got some secrets to sell                               
For which someone will pay very well --                     
The Vice Pres. & the Pope                                   
Run a ring to sell dope,                                    
And Congress is going to Hell.                              
                                                            
63543 SPIES AND SECURITY             Robin K. Willoughby P8607



The MI-6 operative, Flag,                                   
Worked all of his cases in drag.                            
No fault of his own,                                        
His cover was blown,                                        
As was he in the back of his Jag.                           
                                                            
63544 SPIES AND SECURITY             Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



Our agent in Tokyo town,                                    
Not without undercover renown,                              
Was on seven December                                       
Geishaing his member                                        
And while up, let his countrymen down.                      
                                                            
63545 SPIES AND SECURITY             Martin Wellborn     P8603



With "Licence to Kill" skills annointed                     
A gorgeous young spy's been appointed;                      
Once known in the biz                                       
As Contortionist Liz,                                       
Undercover she's quite Double-Jointed.                      
                                                            
63546 SPIES AND SECURITY                                      



Though 007's enthused                                       
With her curves, he's a trifle bemused,                     
For he can't tell which end                                 
He should shag or upend,                                    
To keep Double-Jointed amused.                              
                                                            
63547 SPIES AND SECURITY                                      



To Bondage she felt much attraction,                        
But poor James's body's reaction,                           
On trying to compete,                                       
Found his dick twixt his feet,                              
And now the poor fellow's in traction.                      
                                                            
63548 SPIES AND SECURITY                                      



There lived in Ipswich a spy,                               
Whose standards were terribly high.                         
He was going one better,                                    
And dropped a letter,                                       
And ended up as a py (pie).                                 
                                                            
63549 SPIES AND SECURITY             Julie Ashton        P0900



A pentagon spy named McGoo                                  
Had a transmitter up his wazoo.                             
But he just had to pass                                     
Some intestinal gas                                         
And those farts could be heard in Peru.                     
                                                            
63550 SPIES AND SECURITY             Michael Weinstein   P8603



The FBI spy won't die, I'll bet,                            
'Cause he's neither black nor a Jew, yet.                   
Alleged to be worst,                                        
His case is a first;                                        
He and his payer never met.                                 
                                                            
63551 SPIES AND SECURITY             Larry                    



Alas for the poor Rabbi Ben Harold --                       
His synagogue's gravely imperiled.                          
He's sent for George Smiley,                                
Who's clever and wily,                                      
To seek out a mohel named Gerald.                           
                                                            
63552 SPIES AND SECURITY             Arthur Deex         P8603



The spy who came in from the cold                           
Was still just as brave and as bold,                        
But he just could not pass                                  
His days freezing his ass,                                  
Hearing lies that the other spies told.                     
                                                            
63553 SPIES AND SECURITY             Lims For Erudite    P0309



A gator who hijacked a freighter                            
Was a spy disguised as a waiter.                            
When his plot was exposed,                                  
He was hanged by his toes;                                  
Then thrown to the sharks was that traitor.                 
                                                            
63554 SPIES AND SECURITY             Nancy Henry_Kline   P9306



The master spy known as George Smiley,                      
(Of demeanor both humble and wily),                         
Was so sad and lonely                                       
Confined to "Eyes Only",                                    
This guy's life was no "Life of Riley".                     
                                                            
63555 SPIES AND SECURITY             Robing K Willoughby P0309



Mata Hari was put on the spot,                              
Nathan Hale caught his neck in a knot;                      
Though one was well paid                                    
In this treacherous trade,                                  
I'll be hanged if I want to be shot!                        
                                                            
63556 SPIES AND SECURITY             Laurence Perrine    P8603



The spy who came in from the cold,                          
Whose feats were once highly extolled,                      
In Congo, distraught,                                       
He came in from the hot,                                    
Revealing that he was a mole.                               
                                                            
63557 SPIES AND SECURITY             Irving Superior     P8606



"My spy books will make your hair curl,"                    
Said Fleming; "Each plot will unfurl --                     
First Bond kills some guys                                  
Who are nasty Red spies,                                    
Then the climax -- he comes with the girl."                 
                                                            
63558 SPIES AND SECURITY             Ed Potts            P8603



A highly trained old Russian spy                            
Was caught--so he started to cry.                           
They said, "You've been a failure                           
From here to Australia."                                    
He said, "Yes, but I try and I try."                        
                                                            
63559 SPIES AND SECURITY             Spike Mulligan           



In old Russia, a World War I snoop                          
Was in quest of significant poop,                           
To find out if the Czar                                     
And some bastard named Tsar,                                
Were quite one and the same or a group.                     
                                                            
63560 SPIES AND SECURITY             Don Moore           P0011



A confused secret agent named Jack                          
Hoped he wouldn't be given the sack,                        
When his raise was denied,                                  
When he said he had spied                                   
On Iran, or perhaps on Iraq.                                
                                                            
63561 SPIES AND SECURITY             Cyber Geezer             



Both Ethel and Julius were viewed,                          
As being bright Russian red-hued.                           
It was hard to bear                                         
That Rosenberg pair.                                        
Can you picture them in the nude?                           
                                                            
63562 SPIES AND SECURITY             Larry Davis         P8603



If the Hebrew spies didn't take money                       
From the real estate sales crew, it's funny                 
That they claim to have found                               
Right on that ground,                                       
A land flowing with milk and honey.                         
(Numbers 13:27)                                             
63563 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



"Excuse me; I think you're a spy."                          
"Vladivostok and Kremlin!  But why?"                        
You drink vodka and borschsh,                               
Wear a snap-on moustache,                                   
And have 'Lenin' tattooed on your thigh."                   
                                                            
63564 SPIES AND SECURITY             Peter Wilkins            



A backward-type Peeping Tom, Hotches;                       
At clandestine spying he botches.                           
He should be, it is said,                                   
A pick-pocket instead                                       
Because he gets off snatching watches.                      
                                                            
63565 SPIES AND SECURITY             Michael Polo        P8603



In World War Two it was scary.                              
German spies made Washington wary.                          
Gentle Bess in her bed                                      
Turned to Truman and said,                                  
"Please tell me watsa matta, Harry?"                        
                                                            
63566 SPIES AND SECURITY             Tom Patton          P0012



If you were a dancing Dutch belle,                          
Named Margaret, and Gertrude, and Zelle,                    
You'd be Mata Hari,                                         
And I'm very sorry,                                         
French firing squads blew you to Hell.                      
                                                            
63567 SPIES AND SECURITY             Larry Davis         P8603



An autopsy of Mata Hari;                                    
An unborn babe does Mata carry.                             
Authorities confess,                                        
"If we could second guess,                                  
Not Death but Mata Hari hata marry.                         
                                                            
63568 SPIES AND SECURITY             Irving Superior     P9305



Mata Hari, by threading her spies,                          
Wove a network of numerous eyes                             
To snoop on the French,                                     
So they murdered the wench,                                 
But not before spreading her thighs.                        
                                                            
63569 SPIES AND SECURITY                                      



Mata Hari was put on the spot;                              
Nathan Hale caught his neck in a knot;                      
Though one was well paid                                    
In this treacherous trade,                                  
I'll be hanged if I want to be shot!                        
                                                            
63570 SPIES AND SECURITY             Laurrence Perrine   P0309



Around Mata Hari they'd hover,                              
An inadequate spy but wild lover;                           
Or so it was said.                                          
Though perhaps great in bed,                                
Photos show her round, plump like a Plover.                 
                                                            
63571 SPIES AND SECURITY             Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



As an agent of sly enterprise,                              
Mata Hari turned many men's eyes;                           
Wove a web of intrigue,                                     
That was in it's own league,                                
For the artful way she'd thread her spies.                  
                                                            
63572 SPIES AND SECURITY             Bob Giandomenico    P0202



An airport detective naed Scott                             
Said, "Spies are real easy to spot.                         
They've all got two or three                                
Microfilm rolls up the                                      
Ass and they waddle a lot.                                  
                                                            
63573 SPIES AND SECURITY             Michael Weinstein   P8603



There was a young fellow named Kevin                        
Who made his way quickly to heaven.                         
He was shot in the ass                                      
When a guy with no class                                    
Mistook him for 007.                                        
                                                            
63574 SPIES AND SECURITY             John Dohner         P8603



Mata Hari is my kind of spy;                                
International secret or guy,                                
She'd grab, and then run,                                   
'Cause son-of-a-gun! --                                     
Intrigue is more fun on the fly.                            
                                                            
63575 SPIES AND SECURITY             Robin K. Willoughby P8603



I've never belonged to a Party                              
And am neither scientific nor arty.                         
Yet I often wish I                                          
Might heroically die                                        
Like Nathan -- that is, Hale and hearty                     
                                                            
63576 SPIES AND SECURITY             Laurence Perrine    P8603



Said Nathan Hale, "My one regret                            
Is.....(round his neck a noose is set)                      
That...(a roll of drums)                                    
I......(a sword down comes)                                 
Though free to speak must watch my step."                   
                                                            
63577 SPIES AND SECURITY             Irving Superior     P8406



The master spy known as George Smiley                       
(Of demeanor both humble and wiley)                         
Was so sad and lonely                                       
Confined to "Eyes Only" --                                  
This guy's life was no "Life of Riley"...                   
                                                            
63578 SPIES AND SECURITY             Robin K. Willoughby P8603



I'm a coward, confirmed through and through.                
Stay away, CIA and G-2.                                     
Oh, I don't give a hoot                                     
For that black parachute                                    
And the bicycle that folds in two.                          
                                                            
63579 SPIES AND SECURITY             Arthur Deex         P8603



Most of the British defections                              
Were Oxford-Cambridge connections.                          
Just old college chums,                                     
In each others bums,                                        
Heading in Eastern directions.                              
                                                            
63580 SPIES AND SECURITY             Larry Davis         P8603



Though the KGB works for the proles,                        
They've discovered in reaching their goals                  
Of subverting the West,                                     
That when put to the test,                                  
Oxford graduates make the best moles.                       
                                                            
63581 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



Confederate spies found a ruse                              
To get hold tof the top secret news,                        
About Union troop plans,                                    
For they and their fans                                     
Planted wires in the Washington stews.                      
                                                            
63582 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



Kim Philby, up to his old tricks,                           
Mixed pleasure with his politics.                           
McLaine and then Burgess                                    
Succumbed to his urges...                                   
Also stuffed was poor old MI-6.                             
                                                            
63583 SPIES AND SECURITY             Martin Wellborn     P8603



Mata Hari, when hot on the trail                            
Of a secret, put out for a male,                            
So that clearly she earned                                  
Everything that she learned.                                
Was it worth, though, the price of her tail?                
                                                            
63584 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



A CIA spy name of Nick                                      
Would not give his girl friend a lick.                      
He kept his prick hidden                                    
And to look was forbidden,                                  
For he fucked with a classified prick.                      
                                                            
63585 SPIES AND SECURITY             Albin Chaplin   3024-2211



Sidney Reilly, the true ace of Spies,                       
Used accents, fake passports, disguise,                     
To hoodwink the Russians,                                   
The Turks and the Prussians --                              
Yet pried open his fair share of thighs.                    
                                                            
63586 SPIES AND SECURITY             Martin Wellborn     P8603



Now Rudolph Abel was a mole.                                
He stayed hidden deep in his hole.                          
When caught, he was swapped                                 
For ours, that they dropped.                                
F. Powers was more like a vole.                             
                                                            
63587 SPIES AND SECURITY             Larry Davis         P8603



In the Kremlin a big cloud of dust                          
Was seen, as the usual 'must'                               
Was to sack lots of brass                                   
Who discovered their ass                                    
Wore the typical first signs of Rust.                       
                                                            
63588 SPIES AND SECURITY             Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8804



When 'glasnost' swept in like a gust,                       
It was found to be flawlessly just.                         
But a patch did appear                                      
On the central Red Square.                                  
KGB made a check, and found Rust!                           
                                                            
63589 SPIES AND SECURITY             Karl Ludvig Kjelsen P8804



In a Soviet report from the 'trust'                         
Security leaks were discussed;                              
There's a hole we are certain                               
In the West iron curtain,                                   
And our specialists claim it is Rust.                       
(Rust landed a light plane in the Kremlin)                  
63590 SPIES AND SECURITY             Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8804



A job for you, Igor, a honey;                               
Just put on this dress and walk funny.                      
"But won't he suspect?"                                     
Well, he just might defect;                                 
If he doesn't then bribe him with money.                    
                                                            
63591 SPIES AND SECURITY             Peter Wilkins            



At a diplomat dinner near Rye                               
He rubbed the inner part of her thigh.                      
She smiled and said, "Dear                                  
You've got one thing to fear,                               
When you get to the balls, I'm a spy."                      
                                                            
63592 SPIES AND SECURITY             Tom Patton          P0012



We knew what our agent in Paris meant                       
When she said she had suffered embarrassment:               
Financial disclosure                                        
And sexual exposure.                                        
Parisians all knew what a bare ass meant.                   
                                                            
63593 SPIES AND SECURITY             Lance Payne         P8603



The spy who came in from the cold,                          
By orders and memos controlled,                             
Came in over-worked.                                        
Inside found a clerk                                        
To mutilate, spindle and fold.                              
                                                            
63594 SPIES AND SECURITY             Irving Superior     P8606



A scientist stole a disk drive;                             
The Chinese had bribed him with jive.                       
They gave him loose cash                                    
In case of backlash,                                        
Like facing a sentence of life.                             
                                                            
63595 SPIES AND SECURITY             Matthew Montchalin       



But then someone noticed disks missing;                     
Then all started moaning and hissing.                       
Until in a box                                              
Beneath the Xerox,                                          
They're found.  Now security's pissing...                   
                                                            
63596 SPIES AND SECURITY             Liam na Beag             



"I ain't sold no secrets," he cried,                        
"Not to the Israelis -- besides                             
Why would they pay me                                       
For stuff they get free? --                                 
After all, ain't those guys on our side?                    
                                                            
63597 SPIES AND SECURITY             Robin K. Willoughby P8607



Our world is infested with spies --                         
KGB's, CIA's, FBI's --                                      
At whom I would shout,                                      
"Hey guys, cut it out!                                      
Stop bugging me -- all of you guys!"                        
                                                            
63598 SPIES AND SECURITY             Laurence Perrine    P8603



Natasha the spy had to screw                                
Fifty-six guys to get to                                    
The plans for the sub.                                      
But it turned out a flub;                                   
Ham, salami, and Swiss -- nothing new.                      
(Sub sandwiches - franchise in the U.S.)                    
63599 SPIES AND SECURITY             Michael Weinstein   P8603



To be a good government spy                                 
You need to be able to lie                                  
In four or five languages,                                  
Including their slang, which is                             
Always for bidding you "Bye!"                               
                                                            
63600 SPIES AND SECURITY             Laurence Perrine    P8603



The spy who came in was a mole.                             
To Congo his services sold.                                 
The trend of this thought -                                 
Came in from the hot                                        
Six months and six months from the cold.                    
                                                            
63601 SPIES AND SECURITY             Irving Superior     P0011



The President sent out a spy                                
To find out for him on the sly                              
What he wanted to know --                                   
How old you must grow                                       
Before people start calling you spry.                       
(during Reagan's administration)                            
63602 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



A man with a bomb in Bologna                                
Was detained as an obvious phony,                           
When he claimed to be Herman,                               
A businessman, German,                                      
Who lived in the town of Cologne.                           
                                                            
63603 SPIES AND SECURITY             Cybergeezer              



A pentagon spy named McGoo                                  
Had a transmitter up his wazoo.                             
When he just had to pass                                    
Some intestinal gas,                                        
Those farts could be heard in Peru.                         
                                                            
63604 SPIES AND SECURITY             Michael Weinstein   P0309



A young spy from Poland named Ritter                        
Had a transmitter stuffed up his shitter.                   
A microchip case                                            
Takes up almost no space,                                   
But his was an old tube-type transmitter.                   
                                                            
63605 SPIES AND SECURITY             Michael Weinstein   P8603



A security pilot named Coor,                                
Carried a bomb while on tour.                               
The chances, he claimed,                                    
Of two bombs on one plane                                   
Were so rare that he felt quite secure.                     
                                                            
63606 SPIES AND SECURITY             Laura Schooler           



You can tell from their flickering eyes                     
And their hats pulled down low in disguise;                 
Their ridiculous wigs                                       
And their Marlboro cigs                                     
And their over-long macs, that they're spies.               
                                                            
63607 SPIES AND SECURITY             Peter Wilkins            



A CIA agent, Miss Glover,                                   
Could play either harlot or lover.                          
She would trap with dispatch                                
A red spy in her snatch,                                    
For she did her best work under cover.                      
                                                            
63608 SPIES AND SECURITY             Al Chaplin          P0011



The CIA, clearly concerned,                                 
Because they've so often been burned,                       
Have established a cell                                     
In Vienna to tell                                           
What new secrets the Russians have learned.                 
                                                            
63609 SPIES AND SECURITY             A. N. Wilkins       P8603



A spy from Great Britain named Cole                         
Had a transmitter up his bung hole.                         
But one day the poor bloke                                  
Got a short and he broke                                    
The world record in pole vault -- sans pole!                
                                                            
63610 SPIES AND SECURITY             Michael Weinstein   P8603



The spy who came in from the cold,                          
His water attempting to hold,                               
Just outside the door                                       
Could hold it no more --                                    
Morse coding a snowdrift in gold.                           
                                                            
63611 SPIES AND SECURITY             Irving Superior     P8606



The American operative, Claire,                             
Had dark skin, but had very blond hair.                     
"She's a bona fide blond",                                  
Said the agent, James Bond.                                 
"I know 'cause I checked her down there."                   
                                                            
63612 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



As 007 walked by,                                           
He heard a wee spider say "Hi."                             
But shaken, he shot                                         
It right there on the spot,                                 
As it tried to explain, "I'm a spi..."                      
                                                            
63613 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



"Our agent James Blond, M, has died.                        
Our motto's what killed him," Q sighed.                     
"`Death To All Spies',                                      
Says James: `Ah, but I's                                    
A spy' and commits suicide."                                
                                                            
63614 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND                             



There once was an agent named Bond;                         
Of martinis and sex he was fond.                            
Of women, he said,                                          
"I've had thousands in bed,                                 
With the help of Q's magic sex wand.                        
                                                            
63615 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Anon                     



There was this voluptuous blonde                            
Brings back memories of which I am fond.                    
She replied to my quest,                                    
"Can I spy you undressed?"                                  
"Who are you, goddammit, James Bond?"                       
                                                            
63616 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Dick Slimer         T9712



You don't look a bit like James Bond;                       
You're a 100 pound weakling and blonde.                     
And you're over the hill                                    
With no licence to thrill,                                  
And young Pussy Galore won't be conned.                     
                                                            
63617 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



"What's this?" said James Bond to old Q.                    
"I don't know James; I haven't a clue.                      
But it looks rather sweet                                   
And it covers my feet.                                      
Do you think we could call it a shoe?"                      
                                                            
63618 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



"What's this?" said James Bond to old Q.                    
"It's a miniture camera for you.                            
Before screwing a miss,                                     
Just insert it like this,                                   
And we'll sit here enjoying the view."                      
                                                            
63619 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



"What's this?" said James Bond to old Q.                    
"It's a condom of semtex for you.                           
Put it on 'fore you bore                                    
Into Pussy Galore,                                          
And you'll blow up her cunt while you screw."               
                                                            
63620 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



"What's this?" said James Bond to old Q.                    
"It's a mixture of poison and glue.                         
If you're down on your luck                                 
And that Jaws wants a suck,                                 
Spread it on 'fore he gives you a chew."                    
                                                            
63621 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



"What now?" said James Bond to old M.                       
"It's like this, James, I fear it's -- ahem                 
Not Her Majesty's whim                                      
To employ you, dear Jim,                                    
If you're -- how shall I say -- one of them."               
                                                            
63622 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



"Outrageous!" said James with some phlegm,                  
As he desperately tugged at the hem                         
Of his burgeoning skirt,                                    
Then he whipped off his shirt                               
And cried, "God, How I've wanted you, M."                   
                                                            
63623 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Peter Wilkins            



When Agent 007 heard                                        
He'd be a father, he said, "Absurd!                         
I've spent all my life                                      
Avoiding such strife."                                      
He was visibly shaken, not stirred.                         
                                                            
63624 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Tom Patton          P9608



I proudly announce: last night late                         
On the shore I caught Jane 008.                             
With a little persuasion,                                   
She gave in to temptation;                                  
With skill then the agent got ate.                          
                                                            
63625 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND                             



Said James to Miss Moneypenny,                              
"How long is it since you had any?"                         
She said "It's too long                                     
Since I had a good schlong."                                
So he stripped her and fucked her big fanny.                
                                                            
63626 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Alexander Baron          



There's one thing that you will discover,                   
James Bond is a wonderful lover.                            
It should be no surprise,                                   
He is one of those guys                                     
Who was trained to act undercover.                          
                                                            
63627 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Tom Patton          P0308



There's one thing that you will discover:                   
James Bond is a wonderful lover.                            
It should be no surprise,                                   
He is one of those guys                                     
Who was trained to act undercover.                          
                                                            
63628 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Tom Patton          P0309



James Bond drank vodka martinis,                            
And had numerous girls in bikinis.                          
But in his spare time,                                      
He would go and fight crime;                                
So his mind wouldn't dwell on his weenie.                   
                                                            
63629 SPIES AND SECURITY - J BOND    Anon                     



A young polo-player of Berkeley,                            
Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.                      
In the midst of each chukker                                
He would break off and fuck her                             
Horizontally, laterally, and verkeley.                      
                                                            
63630 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                    L0271



She mounted the stallion; however,                          
She feared this bronc-bustin' endeavor.                     
Can she stay in the saddle?                                 
Her tush that's unclad'll                                   
Be screaming, "Don't gid'yup, please tether!"               
                                                            
63631 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



"Hi-Yo Silver!" She's riding away.                          
Lone Ranger's engaged in the fray.                          
She bucked and she twisted                                  
And Tonto insisted,                                         
Side-saddle, she came with a "Neigh"!                       
                                                            
63632 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



Said cautious old Spaniard Gualtero,                        
A very reluctant torero,                                    
"Why face a mean steer?                                     
Far safer a deer.                                           
They'll pay me the same green dinero."                      
                                                            
63633 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Armand Singer       P0307



The toreador stoood out in the ring,                        
For the last time he felt like a king.                      
With his sword out before him,                              
The bull he dared gore him.                                 
It did.  And he got his last fling.                         
                                                            
63634 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



A famous bullfighter named Zeke                             
Pleased the crowds with his casual technique.               
Each time he was gored,                                     
He just acted bored,                                        
Pausing only to plug up the leak.                           
                                                            
63635 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Dean Walley         P9007



The Duchess of Shaumberg-Lippay                             
Rode out with the hounds one fine day.                      
A quest quite incredible,                                   
For the inedible,                                           
By unspeakable gentry at play.                              
                                                            
63636 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Arthur Deex         P8307



The lads liked their day at the races,                      
Where they saw the mounts go through their paces.           
But to their deep shame,                                    
With no cash to their name,                                 
They got home just with trousers and braces.                
                                                            
63637 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



The dog track at Portsmouth is where                        
You'll often find sexy young Clare,                         
Who puts smiles on the faces                                
Of losers of races,                                         
When they see what she does with the hare.                  
                                                            
63638 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Tiddy Ogg                



I'll tell you about my friend Gary:                         
'Round dog tracks he often would tarry;                     
The dog that did crap                                       
In the show ring, he'd nap,                                 
On the grounds it had less weight to carry.                 
                                                            
63639 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Tiddy Ogg                



A small jockey, about four foot six,                        
Knew all about horse racing tricks.                         
Was your horse ever drugged?                                
His shoulders he shrugged;                                  
"I've only once done it, for kicks."                        
                                                            
63640 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



Two sisters were having a chat.                             
"I'm off to Great Yarmouth", said Pat.                      
"What to wear on my head                                    
Is the problem."  Jill said:                                
"Great Yarmouth?  Gee, wear the fox hat."                   
                                                            
63641 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



An American man who was rich                                
Had for English fox-hunting an itch.                        
But he never would know                                     
That one yells "Tallyho!"                                   
Not "There goes the son-of-a-bitch!"                        
                                                            
63642 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Warrick Elrod            



On Friday, we'd spread all the hay 'round,                  
Then go out after dark to the playground;                   
And place all our bets,                                     
But leave with regrets,                                     
For choosing the slowest old greyhound.                     
                                                            
63643 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Travis Brasell           



The thing, though, that most makes me fuss,                 
Is not that old greyhound dog, Gus.                         
But rather the race                                         
(It's more like a chase)                                    
On streets with a slow Greyhound Bus.                       
                                                            
63644 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Travis Brasell           



Horse jumping, a contest with thrills;                      
Quite often there're falls and some spills.                 
A horse comes to a fence;                                   
The rider feels tense.                                      
To get over, it takes all his skills.                       
                                                            
63645 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



Who do you like in the race                                 
At Melbourne?  I think that's the place.                    
Is there a worry                                            
A Brit horse will scurry                                    
Off with the Cup?  A disgrace!                              
                                                            
63646 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Tutta Gioia              



There once was a fellow named Ray,                          
Who was having a wonderful day.                             
He had a great morning                                      
But then, without warning,                                  
He bet on a horse named No-Way.                             
                                                            
63647 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



Those families that play together                           
Should also learn to pray together.                         
'Cause if they horses play,                                 
Together they'll stay                                       
In case they lose their pay together.                       
                                                            
63648 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Irving Superior     P0800



In Kentucky a gelding did win,                              
Though never to have next of kin.                           
A balless endeavor,                                         
Swung next to his lever;                                    
A demeanor just like Gentle Ben.                            
                                                            
63649 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



Horse racing was what he loved most;                        
As a tipster he oft liked to boast.                         
He'll be getting much thinner                               
Touting for his dinner;                                     
His choices not first past the post!                        
                                                            
63650 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



My pick in the rain is named "Bud",                         
Wet tracks seem to course through his blood.                
Off his sire's best form,                                   
He can race up a storm...                                   
For his mudder could run in a flood.                        
                                                            
63651 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Barbara Tepper           



They're off! and they're galloping round;                   
It's Big Johnson from Jockey Shorts pound-                  
ing. In front Merry Cherry,                                 
But Conscience is very                                      
Much lagging; he's dropped to the ground.                   
                                                            
63652 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



As Thighs starts to widen her stride,                       
Merry Cherry is coming inside,                              
For the race now is humming --                              
Big Johnson is coming,                                      
Within barely a length.  What a ride!                       
                                                            
63653 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



Silk Panties has fallen, I say;                             
Heavy Bosom has got in the way.                             
Now Bare Belly is crashin'                                  
And taking down Passion-                                    
ate Lady; I hope they're OK.                                
                                                            
63654 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



Now Jockey Short's dropping behind,                         
As big Johnson has made up his mind,                        
Merry Christmas to chase.                                   
It's a helluva race,                                        
As they come to the end of the line.                        
                                                            
63655 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Peter Wilkins            



At the bend it's Big Johnson and Thighs                     
Neck and neck. (It's Clean Sheets I surmise,                
Which has stumbled.) Now Passion-                           
ate Lady is thrashin'                                       
And whippin' Big Johnson; surprise!                         
                                                            
63656 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



There was a young jockey named Moses,                       
Whose schlong hung right down past his toeses.              
As a finish line trick,                                     
He'd whip out his prick,                                    
And win by a length (And two noses)!                        
                                                            
63657 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Rick Limer         T9711 



My girl has a circular track                                
And jockeys ride her around and back.                       
Then put her away,                                          
Right there in the hay --                                   
Forgive them for they have no tack.                         
                                                            
63658 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Travis                   



There was a young boy from Kildare,                         
Who went on a ride on a mare.                               
He said with a frown,                                       
As he bounced up and down:                                  
"I only did this on a dare."                                
                                                            
63659 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



I know what it means to be tense;                           
The thought of it still makes me wince;                     
While riding my horse                                       
I fell with remorse,                                        
And snagged my nuts on a wire fence.                        
                                                            
63660 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Travis Brasell           



A lustful horsewoman named Gail,                            
Whose morals were slipshod and frail,                       
Went out of her way                                         
For a lay every day,                                        
So all horsemen knew her hot tail...                        
(only a saddlemakers daughter but all the horsemen knew her)
63661 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Grand Prix Lim  388      



A horsewoman of charm at Eutoxeter,                         
Caused a scene with much shaking of locks at her.           
When announcing "Hunt Cup",                                 
The P.A. mixed it up,                                       
And began a stampede by the Jocks at her.                   
                                                            
63662 SPORTS - ANIMAL                R. D. Condon             



Deer hunting is greatest by far.                            
It's the one outdoor sport I don't bar.                     
But that isn't puzzling.                                    
I like all the nuzzling,                                    
Since I spell the word D-E-A-R.                             
                                                            
63663 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Isaac Asimov             



The holy Theosophist, Leadbeater,                           
At a battue, who said to the head beater:                   
"Your prick I am crazy                                      
To suck, but I'm lazy--                                     
Just fuck your five fingers instead, beater."               
(battue - driving or beating game to the shooters)          
63664 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                    G2704



The countryside isn't too lush;                             
From Fairbanks to Nome, they yell "Mush!"                   
Ten dogs and a sled;                                        
Snowbanks for a bed;                                        
It's no wonder they're in such a rush.                      
                                                            
63665 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Harry Rubin         P9205



A sled lady in the Iditarod,                                
Faced cold like the wrath of a bitter god.                  
But at night she curled up                                  
With those warm husky pups,                                 
And it turned out, they perfectly fit her bod!              
                                                            
63666 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Lassie's Lover     TP9901



Well now, Bony Maroney, the pony                            
Ran the race though he knew it was phoney.                  
On his right was a goose,                                   
To his left was a moose,                                    
But he runs for his supper now, don't he?                   
                                                            
63667 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Eric Hinds               



Also running was Allie, the 'gator,                         
And a brown and red fox.  And then later,                   
Elephants over there,                                       
And a badger, a hare,                                       
Two toucans.  The judge was Ralph Nader.                    
                                                            
63668 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Hilde na Beag            



"Environment is much more the issue                         
Than the race," lectured Ralph "and I wish you              
No uneven start.                                            
We must all do our part,                                    
So don't stop on the way without tissue."                   
                                                            
63669 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Eric Hinds               



The Melbourne Cup has been run;                             
For most, it's a whole lot of fun.                          
But Three Crowns leg broke --                               
They called the gun bloke --                                
Who said that your life, now is done!                       
                                                            
63670 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Archie                   



Once a year we all stop in our courses                      
And pay heed to the racing of horses.                       
It takes two whole minutes                                  
For someone to win it,                                      
Then life resumes with it full forces                       
                                                            
63671 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Dr Limerick  05-05-01    



A well-hung young jockey named Morse                        
Taught classes in riding a horse.                           
His fee he discounted                                       
For co-eds he'd mounted,                                    
Who flocked to enroll in his course.                        
                                                            
63672 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Allan R. Ottley     P8306



At the racing form page I did glance,                       
And thought that my wealth I'd enhance.                     
Put my shirt on a horse,                                    
But it came last, of course,                                
With a name like Norfolk Enchants.                          
                                                            
63673 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Tiddy Ogg                



Said a very proud farmer of Ryegate,                        
When the squire rode up to his high gate,                   
'With your horse and your hound,                            
You had better go round,                                    
For, I say you shan't jump over my gate.'                   
                                                            
63674 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Published 1822           



A lewd polo player named Schwartz                           
Spied a blonde wearing flesh-colored shorts.                
He skipped the next chukker                                 
Expressly to fuck 'er--                                     
That's what's nice about out-of-door sports!                
                                                            
63675 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                    G0177



There was a young man from Molucca,                         
Played polo, but at the first chukka,                       
He fell from his horse,                                     
And his stick broke of course...                            
I swear that this story is pukka.                           
                                                            
63676 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



I learned from my old pukka wallah,                         
While getting hot under the collah;                         
Of lingams and yonis,                                       
And men built like ponies,                                  
And gals you could have for a dollah.                       
                                                            
63677 SPORTS - ANIMAL                                         



"It's Pony Express," said Miss Pound,                       
"A wonderful game that we've found.                         
Like Post Office, " she said,                               
"But you play it in bed,                                    
And there's a little more horsing around."                  
                                                            
63678 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Albin Chaplin 3024  G1593



A cowboy begat his own drama,                               
By being bucked off by a Brahma.                            
He was hurt and depressed,                                  
And he needed a rest,                                       
And besides that, he wanted his mama.                       
                                                            
63679 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Margaret A. Murdock P8308



There was a young cowgirl, Billy Sue,                       
Who knew how to ride through and through.                   
She was known as the queen,                                 
On the rodeo scene,                                         
But tobacco she never would chew!                           
                                                            
63680 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Arthur Pattaffy          



A stallion up next at a show                                
Ran the course with a hard-on below.                        
He cleared all the jumps                                    
With nary a thump,                                          
But his score in that class was quite low.                  
                                                            
63681 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Actaeon                  



In Kentucky a gelding did win.                              
Though never to have next of kin,                           
A balless endeavor                                          
Swung next to his lever.                                    
A demeanor just like Gentle Ben.                            
                                                            
63682 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Kriss Kraft              



The stallions today are released,                           
And rampantly they'll have a feast                          
Of those equine cunts,                                      
So in a few months,                                         
My mare-poking duties have ceased.                          
                                                            
63683 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Tiddy Ogg                



When the stallions conclude with their core,                
You'll resume what you did there before.                    
Some colossal horse-ware                                    
Will have stretched every mare;                             
You may find it a frictionless bore.                        
                                                            
63684 SPORTS - ANIMAL                Randog                   



He's an icon because he can hit,                            
But that's not quite the half of it.                        
Though his wife's not amused                                
About being abused,                                         
Were it not for the perks, she would split.                 
                                                            
63685 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Loren Fitzhugh      P0900



A team playing baseball in Dallas,                          
Called the umpire a 'shit', out of malice.                  
While this worthy had fits,                                 
The team made eight hits,                                   
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.                    
                                                            
63686 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                  L0284



A braves fan whose head had no hair                         
Said, "This is my plan which I'll share:                    
When Atlanta's at bat,                                      
I'll just take off my hat,                                  
And I'll blind the defense with my glare."                  
                                                            
63687 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Sally Yocum         P9712



What's baseball without the BRONX CHEER                     
Or a cold bottle of Rheingold beer.                         
A couple of red hots,                                       
Some tequila shots                                          
And wooden seats to callous your rear?                      
                                                            
63688 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Norm Brust               



Bull Durham hit home runs in Fuller,                        
Where he met a petite taffy puller.                         
He showed her his slugger,                                  
Gave more than a hugger,                                    
And she felt with this Bull so much fuller.                 
                                                            
63689 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



In this verse a bunch of Cubs pitchers we're listing.       
For no particular reason other than reminiscing.            
Jim Carleton, Bill Lee, and Claude Passeau,                 
Hank Wyse, and John Schmitz, the only southpaw.             
When Cubs won last flags, strikes they were whistling.      
                                                            
63690 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Vogt Baseball Hist  P8911



The dude reached out for the foul ball,                     
And then he felt six inches tall.                           
Chicago fans wish                                           
Him laid out on a dish,                                     
And his nuts displayed in City Hall.                        
                                                            
63691 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Randog                   



There's a former ball player named Lou                      
Whose career in the majors is through;                      
In the team's dressing room,                                
On his rigid male plume,                                    
What he rubbed by mistake: Crazy Glue.                      
                                                            
63692 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Armand E Singer       973



The umpire made three quick calls,                          
On pitches thrown by Lefty Rawls.                           
Rearing back on his spikes,                                 
He declared they were strikes,                              
While the crowd in the cheap seats cried, "Balls!"          
                                                            
63693 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Bob Giandomenico    P9511



The Cubans are coming to play,                              
'Gainst the Orioles next Monday.                            
Sure hope they can win,                                     
It would be a sin,                                          
To hear Fidel cry "Ole!"                                    
                                                            
63694 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



Our Iron Man number 8,                                      
Has been disabled as of late,                               
Let's hope he's not lame,                                   
For this special game,                                      
Or perhaps it's just his fate.                              
                                                            
63695 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



So I just can't find a ticket,                              
Sure hate to go down there and picket.                      
For a scalpers' price,                                      
Isn't very nice.                                            
Can anyone out there fix it?                                
                                                            
63696 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



For a ticket I tried to phone,                              
Lines were busy, or no one was home.                        
Are there any left?                                         
Don't leave me bereft.                                      
Must I go to the "scalp free" zone?                         
                                                            
63697 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



A men's baseball team was dismayed,                         
When they lost to a girl's nine they played.                
The girls vied with great skill,                            
And provided a thrill,                                      
With a few cushy bunts softly laid.                         
                                                            
63698 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Bob Giandomenico    P9706



An English professor named Mae                              
Was arrested for stealing away.                             
As she also stole home,                                     
Asked, "Why do you roam?"                                   
She found very little to say.                               
                                                            
63699 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Cybergeezer              



Said outfielder "Bedroom Eyes" Lunt,                        
"There's only one way to get cunt:                          
Throw them flat on their back                               
And then press your attack --                               
You go for home runs, you don't bunt"                       
                                                            
63700 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Armand E Singer       555



In Los Angeles a lassie named Rogers                        
Supplies sex free to all of her lodgers,                    
Plus the cop on the beat,                                   
The street sweeper Pete,                                    
And the batting line-up of the Dodgers.                     
                                                            
63701 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Grand Prix Lim  364      



There was a young lady named Powell                         
Who played in a ball game in Howell.                        
As she rounded each base                                    
All the players gave chase;                                 
What they did on home plate was called foul.                
                                                            
63702 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0746



A shortstop named McRay,                                    
Screwed his wife in the usual way.                          
While in back, he would bugger                              
With his Louisville Slugger                                 
Thus completing a neat double play.                         
                                                            
63703 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



There was a ball-player named Hunt                          
Who was struck in the face with a bunt.                     
They managed to save                                        
The poor man from the grave,                                
But his face ended up like a cunt.                          
                                                            
63704 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-2117



They put on the squeeze play apace,                         
But, good for us, I play third base.                        
I casually prowl                                            
And fart all bunts foul.                                    
Our fans cheer real loud, just in case.                     
                                                            
63705 SPORTS - BASEBALL              H                        



An unpopular star from Tacoma,                              
Every time that he hammers a homer,                         
Lets fly at the bleachers,                                  
With asinine features                                       
And highly unpleasant aroma.                                
                                                            
63706 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Hugh Oliver         A122A



There once was a batter with clout,                         
Whose body was terribly stout.                              
He took a great stroke,                                     
And his belt buckle broke,                                  
Then the umpire hollered, "Yer out!"                        
                                                            
63707 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Sally Yocum         P9712



While suffering a bad case of ennui                         
I started to write you the pennui.                          
Then the ballgame came on,                                  
And my thoughts were all gone                               
As I concentrated on Fennui.                                
                                                            
63708 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Tom Patton          P0108



My "baseball-dumb" mother had heard,                        
That I liked to play second or third.                       
"Though it's only a game,"                                  
Mom muttered in shame,                                      
`To want less than first is absurd!"                        
                                                            
63709 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Gene Fehler         P9208



What happened to America's pastime?                         
Games used to be played in a fast time.                     
Now players have struck.                                    
With fans out of luck;                                      
Has the game been played for the last time?                 
                                                            
63710 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Tom Patton          P9504



A major league player named Bird,                           
Whose libido is easily stirred,                             
With zero remorse,                                          
The girls he will force,                                    
And sometimes a runner on third.                            
                                                            
63711 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Margaret A. Murdock P8306



A young baseball player named Howell,                       
His face he did cloud with a scowl.                         
His swing with great might                                  
Hit a pheasant in flight,                                   
And the umpire stepped back and cried, "Fowl!"              
                                                            
63712 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin       P8306



When cow pasture baseball teams vie,                        
The risk of a mishap is high.                               
Oft times players scatter,                                  
Avoiding the splatter,                                      
When the rival team hits a cow pie.                         
                                                            
63713 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Bob Giandomenico    P9711



There was a first baseman named Hearst                      
Who felt that his muscles would burst.                      
He often perspired                                          
And his arms grew quite tired,                              
From holding the runners on first.                          
                                                            
63714 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Margaret A. Murdock P8306



Up at the plate I am standing.                              
Don't think that a walk you'll be handing.                  
Though the size may be small,                               
I will give it my all,                                      
And a home run I'm sure to be landing.                      
                                                            
63715 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



So I said, "Come over here, hon;                            
A baseball game sure to be fun!"                            
"Batter up", I said,                                        
As we fell into bed --                                      
And he scored the winning home run!                         
                                                            
63716 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Jim Weaver Collection    



In Wrigley Field's ivy-clad walls,                          
There a couple who dote on ump's calls.                     
He hollers "Yikes,"                                         
Kisses her on strikes;                                      
While she kisses him on the balls!                          
                                                            
63717 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Sam Pittman              



The longest struck ball -- lie or truth --                  
Is of course in the records of Ruth.                        
While batting in Maine                                      
He hit on a train                                           
And it traveled nonstop to Duluth.                          
                                                            
63718 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Hugh Oliver         A137A



The diamonds on the baseball field                          
Are not below ground or concealed.                          
They're in contracts long,                                  
Where good agent's song,                                    
Will multiply your Midas yield.                             
                                                            
63719 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Chris Papa               



As he proudly strode to homeplate,                          
And raised his bat up to wait                               
On the pitcher's first pitch,                               
While the pitcher did itch                                  
Himself on his mound of his pate.                           
                                                            
63720 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



Mighty Mikey gave him such a look                           
That caused him to quiver, how he shook                     
But the ball left his hand                                  
[With the rest of his gland]                                
And the pitch he threw took a sharp hook.                   
                                                            
63721 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



Mighty Mikey, faked out of his jock                         
Could only stand there and gawk,                            
As the bat he swung                                         
Made a sound like 'zung'                                    
Instead of its normal 'catock'.                             
                                                            
63722 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



As the ball would be struck with a force                    
That could quickly fell a large horse                       
But this time he missed                                     
And was growing quite pissed                                
And the pitcher grew nervous, of course.                    
                                                            
63723 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



The catcher returned him the sphere                         
And said, "Come on, hum it in here"                         
Whiped his sweat-drenched brow                              
Then threw again, WOW!!                                     
That ball zigged and zagged, highly queer.                  
                                                            
63724 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



Mighty Mikey again was caught swinging                      
At the spot where he thought he was seeing                  
The ball, but 't was not                                    
He grow even more hot                                       
And the veins in his neck went "ca-teeing"                  
                                                            
63725 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



As they popped right out into sight,                        
The pitcher, then, near died from fright.                   
As he drew back to throw,                                   
He closed his eyes so                                       
He would not have to see the ball's flight.                 
                                                            
63726 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



The fans in the stands were were all struck                 
As they watched Mighty Mikey walk                           
With his shoulders slumped down                             
And his face all a frown,                                   
To the showers to deal with the shock                       
                                                            
63727 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



Somewhere joyous bells may be ringing                       
Kids laughing and joking and singing                        
All signs of sheer joy                                      
But not here, oh boy                                        
Mighty Mikey just struck out swinging                       
                                                            
63728 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



A buxom young lady from Linz                                
Said, "I like ballplayers for sins.                         
I like best Minnesota,                                      
They give more than their quota,                            
And I know why they call them the Twins."                   
                                                            
63729 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0244



A very small woman, a runt,                                 
Played softball and Wow! could she bunt.                    
But one day she missed                                      
And got pretty pissed,                                      
When the ball smacked her right in the cunt.                
                                                            
63730 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Jim Weaver Collection    



Baseball, with its grass, dirt, and grime,                  
Is imbued in our every clime.                               
You can always be sure,                                     
Even in the future,                                         
It will still be our country's pastime.                     
                                                            
63731 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Dick Hull                



"The pros who play ball," said whore Kiefer,                
"I find them, at fucking much briefer."                     
But a batter named Pat                                      
Gave her such a fuck that                                   
She had to call in a reliefer.                              
                                                            
63732 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-1564



Hold on! Just don't be too sure.                            
Not every one here is demure.                               
If her lips will pucker,                                    
The Dodgers will fuck her;                                  
In L.A. ain't nobody pure.                                  
                                                            
63733 SPORTS - BASEBALL              J Wease                  



There once was a baseball from Paris,                       
Made of leather wrapped 'round horse's hairs.               
It went over a fence                                        
In a night game and hence,                                  
The baseball nobody know where's.                           
                                                            
63734 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Jim Weaver Collection    



In a world often strange and complex,                       
These news stories tend to perplex                          
When they seem to imply                                     
A very big lie:                                             
That baseball is better than sex.                           
                                                            
63735 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



A country ball player named Lorne                           
Was awkward from the day he was born.                       
He was given a trial;                                       
But with his flatfooted style,                              
He was told to go back and grow corn.                       
                                                            
63736 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Arthur Pattaffy          



The players were irked by Miss Thatcher;                    
In yelling, no ball fan could match her.                    
She was fucked on the mound                                 
By the pitcher renowned,                                    
And again on home plate by the catcher.                     
                                                            
63737 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0768



"When we win the World Series," said Ray,                   
"That should really be one gala day."                       
"And that's just as well,"                                  
Replied his friend Del,                                     
"I can handle just one gal a day."                          
                                                            
63738 SPORTS - BASEBALL              A. N. Wilkins       P8511



In the Spring, when young birdies call,                     
And their sweet songs on eager ears fall,                   
My ears wait around                                         
For a yet sweeter sound;                                    
Those magical spring words, "Play Ball!"                    
                                                            
63739 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Deboruni                 



There is a ballplayer named Belle                           
Whose temper has been known to swell.                       
His demeanor's the pits                                     
Cause he has lots of fits,                                  
And at fans he's been known to yell!                        
                                                            
63740 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Youngbeard               



Baseball caps are made for clinging,                        
When for a fly ball you are winging.                        
But are worn indoors                                        
Only by boors,                                              
And those with a poor upbringing.                           
                                                            
63741 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Bob Davies               



A grim baseball player was Matt.                            
He scowled at the pitcher and spat,                         
Then he held his bat high                                   
To prepare for a fly,                                       
And he bashed it to death with his bat.                     
                                                            
63742 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin       P8306



There's a major league pitcher who squalls,                 
And some feel like climbing the walls;                      
And they have a reason.                                     
Each day of the season,                                     
The umpires rub mud on their balls.                         
                                                            
63743 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Margaret A. Murdock P8306



At baseball, a lady named Walls                             
Disturbed all the fans with her calls.                      
She was fucked in the bleacher                              
By a chemistry teacher,                                     
Then the man with two strikes and three balls.              
                                                            
63744 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0773



A singles-bar hitter named Ford,                            
Leads off with a girl who is bored,                         
By advancing his claim                                      
That the name of the game                                   
Comes to this: To have singled and scored.                  
                                                            
63745 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Jim Weaver Collection    



When dating the pitcher, Miss Vetch                         
Reduced the poor man to a wretch.                           
He had heeded her call                                      
And agreed to play ball,                                    
But he needed a sixth inning stretch.                       
                                                            
63746 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-0369



The pitcher's young wife likes to holler                    
From the stands, about matters that gall her --             
Like "I really must find                                    
A man more refined,                                         
Because mine is a sloppy, base baller."                     
                                                            
63747 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Brian Belge              



There once were some major league umps,                     
Who seemed to be cowardly chumps,                           
When the owners replied:                                    
Your balls will be fried!                                   
We'll cut off your dicks at the stumps!                     
                                                            
63748 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



The umpires resigned, yes quit,                             
Saying their contract was shit.                             
But some were thin-skinned                                  
And tried to rescind;                                       
The owners would have none of it.                           
                                                            
63749 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



In this case the owners look good.                          
The umpires misunderstood                                   
The owner's prospect:                                       
'Accept or Reject'.                                         
They got rid of lots of dead wood.                          
                                                            
63750 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



This September's a month to dislike,                        
What with players still forced out on strike.               
Yeah, and if you don't think                                
That the clubs caused this stink                            
At the time, you can go take a hike.                        
(author is general counsel baseball players union)          
63751 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Gene Orza           P9410



"Playing topless", says softball coach Beam,                
"Wins a girls club both fans and esteem.                    
They're the Baltimore Quails,                               
But some pun-loving males                                   
Like to call them 'the aurioles' team."                     
                                                            
63752 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



For me, things are proving mysterious;                      
At times I may seem quite delirious.                        
Though Clinton beat Dole,                                   
I'm still on a roll;                                        
The Yankees have won the World Serious.                     
                                                            
63753 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Jim Weaver Collection    



Old Mark McGwire is quite the guy.                          
While others less wealthy do buy                            
Fine gifts for their father,                                
Old Mac doesn't bother.                                     
He just gave his dad a new tie.                             
                                                            
63754 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Rusty Smith              



A stunted baseballer, a runt,                               
Was always encouraged to bunt.                              
The reason for that,                                        
A shortness of bat,                                         
Also made for a shortness of cunt.                          
                                                            
63755 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Sumac                    



A ball player swung his long bat,                           
And a gal hollered, "Hey, look at that!                     
There's two balls on the guy..."                            
Asked a guy standing by,                                    
"On the scoreboard, or where he just sat?"                  
                                                            
63756 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Grand Prix Lim  876      



There once was an umpire whose vision                       
Was cause for abuse and derision.                           
He remarked with surprise,                                  
"Why pick on my eyes?                                       
It's my heart that dictates my decision."                   
                                                            
63757 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Ogden Nash          P9002



When the Major League shortstop Phil Baines                 
Was told, "Of your speed, little remains."                  
He replied, "That ain't so.                                 
I ain't slowed down, I know!"                               
Then he looped on fifteen more gold chains.                 
                                                            
63758 SPORTS - BASEBALL                                       



When the baseball team came to Miss Hearst,                 
She complained, "Though your game is the worst,             
I will fuck the whole nine,                                 
If you stand in a line."                                    
But they could not agree who's on first.                    
                                                            
63759 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Albin Chaplin            



A left handed batter named Ace                              
Did find himself deep in disgrace.                          
With long triple hit,                                       
He took leave of his wit                                    
And went WIDDERSHINS third to first base.                   
                                                            
63760 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Elois                    



The World Series ends in Miami;                             
Those Florida Marlins are jammy!                            
They just squeak to a tie                                   
On a sacrifice fly,                                         
But in OT, sock Cleveland a whammy!                         
                                                            
63761 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Prof M-G            T9710



A Cubs catcher, Figley revealed,                            
Cuts and bruises that hardly were healed,                   
From thos fast-breaking curves,                             
That played hell on his nerves,                             
And each time one was thrown, Figley reeled.                
                                                            
63762 SPORTS - BASEBALL              Bob Giandomenico    P9710



Though I loved seeing the Giants play                       
At the Park sticking into the Bay,                          
I never quite learned                                       
That I could get sunburned                                  
And frostbitten both in one day.                            
                                                            
63763 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Anon                     



The boy's look he mistook for awe;                          
He was frozen, his face would not thaw.                     
"We'll wait for Mike Ivie,"                                 
My dad said beside me,                                      
"Then you can sleep in the car."                            
                                                            
63764 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



On fog-frigid Candlestick nights,                           
We'd cuddle up under the brights.                           
"I am," I once told her                                     
"A Candlestick holder."                                     
She smiled and then punched out my lights.                  
                                                            
63765 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Anon                     



It opened in '60, well-dressed,                             
And Nixon proclaimed it the best.                           
It was state of the art;                                    
It latched on to your heart,                                
And our boys would play there with zest.                    
                                                            
63766 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



It soon was the host of a Series,                           
To which there were many full queries.                      
"Why couldn't it fall?                                      
That line shot of a ball?"                                  
McCovey and Mays had no theories.                           
                                                            
63767 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



Later, the Beatles would play there,                        
Then all of our heroes were elsewhere.                      
Maricahl roamed Fenway?                                     
Old "Say Hey!" at Shea!                                     
It seemed all our cupboards were bare.                      
                                                            
63768 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



The players were listless and dreaded                       
And Toronto they seemed to be headed.                       
Then Kezar's team moved in;                                 
Football was its sin;                                       
This team and it's fans were soon wedded.                   
                                                            
63769 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



The Catch stalled America's Team,                           
Morgan's shot derailed Tommy's dream.                       
One team topped the world,                                  
The othere still hurled,                                    
A "Stick fan's" best friend was Jim Beam.                   
                                                            
63770 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



Finally, a new series did bloom,                            
Where an earthquake brought many much gloom.                
Our old girl showed power;                                  
It was her finest hour,                                     
Yet our rivals still pulled out the broom.                  
                                                            
63771 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



And now it is in its last days,                             
Where only the red and gold plays.                          
The orange and the black                                    
Will now play at the 'Pac,                                  
Forty seasons and now parting ways.                         
                                                            
63772 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



There was more to this park than the wind;                  
By leaving, it seems like we've sinned.                     
It was always much more                                     
Than what's printed in lore;                                
It was home; it was heart; it was kin.                      
                                                            
63773 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PARKS      Carlos Melendez          



The onery Sultan of Swat:                                   
His harem was laden with twat.                              
In spite of great batches                                   
Of hair-spangled snatches,                                  
He struck out more often than not.                          
(Babe Ruth)                                                 
63774 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Armand E Singer        58



All hail to the Sultan of Swat,                             
A rare connoisseur prime twat;                              
Like any wise student,                                      
Most carefully prudent,                                     
He tried all the foods that he got.                         
                                                            
63775 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Armand E Singer       58A



The runner who's on second base,                            
Has a masculine body and face.                              
But nobody knows                                            
That under his clothes,                                     
He's wearing black panties of lace.                         
                                                            
63776 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



There were two ballplayers, Carruther,                      
Who both of them had the same mother.                       
They played such a fine game                                
And they gained so much fame,                               
That they stood in great awe of each other.                 
                                                            
63777 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Albin Chaplin   3024-2489



Bud Selig, as owner of Brewers,                             
Short of cash and in need of rescuer,                       
Found the Twin's Pohlad willin'                             
To lend a few million,                                      
In secret, sans outside reviewer.                           
                                                            
63778 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Dr Limerick  01-09-02    



John Conyers, a member of Congress                          
Appalled by his abuse of office                             
Demands, in frustration,                                    
Selig's resignation,                                        
But no one expects any progress.                            
                                                            
63779 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Dr Limerick  01-09-02    



The Cubs, in according to plan                              
Had won since the games began.                              
But when chips cashed in,                                   
They failed to win,                                         
By the act of a bungling fan.                               
(2003 Cubs fan turned an out into a double)                 
63780 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     The Sailor          P0311



Playing 2600 straight games,                                
Was his mainspring of public acclaim;                       
This eclipses his stats,                                    
But his glove and his bat                                   
Would, alone, take him to Hall of Fame.                     
(Cal Ripken - baseball player)                              
63781 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Dr Limerick              



Cal Ripkin's a class act to watch.                          
He speaks English well, with no blotch.                     
And moreover, to wit:                                       
I've not once seen him spit                                 
Or be preoccupied with his crotch.                          
                                                            
63782 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9511



Tyrus R. to play baseball was born,                         
Though his path to strong moonshine well worn,              
And his deeds off the field,                                
Awesome stories still yield,                                
Motivated by Cobb on the corn.                              
                                                            
63783 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Bob Giandomenico    P0010



A baseball announcer named Dizzy                            
Kept etymologically busy                                    
By saying "Spring slud                                      
Into April like mud,"                                       
And the players are all in a tizzy.                         
                                                            
63784 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Robbabe                  



In Cuba, their leader is nuts;                              
Fidel, I would say, is a putz.                              
He could have played ball                                   
Had he the wherewithal,                                     
But he'd never survive all the cuts.                        
(Castro tried out as a major league pitcher)                
63785 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Al Willis          TP9807



Baseball groupies now don't take his calls.                 
He cries as his batting average falls.                      
His mates all get nookie,                                   
While girls eschew the rookie,                              
'Cause they all abhor the kid's foul balls.                 
                                                            
63786 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Parker Waterman     P0111



The shortstop who's name is Bill Powell                     
'Stead of water would wash with his towel.                  
There's no need to state                                    
As he stood at the plate,                                   
His balls were most certainly foul.                         
                                                            
63787 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



"Hot dogs at the park could be leaner;                      
The guy selling them couldn't be keener,"                   
Say gays in the stands                                      
From various lands;                                         
"We would happily munch on his weiner!"                     
                                                            
63788 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



He steps to the plate! Folks are starin'!                   
His opponents he surely is scarin'!                         
He hits balls from a bucket                                 
All the way from Nantucket --                               
I'm sorry, you did say Hank Aaron?                          
                                                            
63789 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE                              



Replete with both Mantle and Maris                          
Hitting homers from New York to Paris,                      
The Yanks own it all                                        
In the classic of Fall.                                     
Who next would the Bombers embarrass?                       
(El Paso, Texas bank ad honoring 1962 happenings)           
63790 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE                         P8212



STEINFELDT he was taking a CHANCE                           
Wearing OVERALL instead of short pants.                     
Since the denim will KLING                                  
When he TINKERS his thing                                   
Which for EVERS like St. Vitus dance.                       
                                                            
63791 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Baseball Hist Lims  P9509



So McGwire hit run 62;                                      
Means nothing to me, how 'bout you?                         
Not being a fan                                             
When those bases he ran,                                    
I yawned and said "What else is new?"                       
                                                            
63792 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Arden                    



There once was a man named McGwire                          
Who set his goals higher and higher.                        
He's reached sixty two,                                     
Broke a record or two,                                      
But Babe didn't need drugs to inspire.                      
                                                            
63793 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     John Andrrich            



Bubba, a red neck Democrat,                                 
Tries affairs in his truck on a mat.                        
He'll evermore fail                                         
With every female,                                          
Till he takes off his Braves baseball hat.                  
                                                            
63794 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     The Sailor          P0311



A base runner we all know, Pete Rose,                       
Leaned off base in his base runner's pose.                  
Then he ran with a burst,                                   
And plunged head first;                                     
Then he stood as he dusted his clothes.                     
                                                            
63795 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



A lowlife reporter named Gray                               
At World Series game 2 yesterday,                           
Showed all of his gall,                                     
Made Rose's heart fall,                                     
Fire him, or at least suspend pay!                          
                                                            
63796 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE                              



The All Century Team stood so proud                         
At Turner, to the ecstatic crowd.                           
With cheap shots at Rose,                                   
The fans hearts all froze;                                  
Such bullying should not be allowed!                        
                                                            
63797 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE                              



A Hebrew team had a good chance,                            
Till their pitcher's inept happenstance                     
Almost threw it away.                                       
Triple play saved the day,                                  
From Pincus to Revis to Krantz.                             
                                                            
63798 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Island Singer            



Ricky Henderson's reaching his twilight,                    
But he held out for one final highlight.                    
Walks don't help his average,                               
But his on-base percentage                                  
Deserves to be lit up in bright lights.                     
                                                            
63799 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Dr Limerick              



Sammy, our ball-playing Cub,                                
Committed a rare double flub.                               
A solid base hit                                            
Caused his ash bat to split,                                
Showing cork inside of his club.                            
                                                            
63800 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     The Sailor          P0307



The fans at the ball park all watch,                        
As he raises his bat just a notch.                          
As the home run is hit,                                     
The pitcher says, "Shit!"                                   
And the left fielder scratches his crotch.                  
                                                            
63801 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Arnie Scnoenbrun    P0309



The pitcher's young wife likes to holler                    
From the stands about matters that gall her --              
Like "I really must find                                    
A man more refined,                                         
Because mine is a sloppy, base baller"!                     
                                                            
63802 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE                              



Apparently, all can aspire                                  
To feats like Bonds, Sosa, McGwire;                         
Just load up on steroids                                    
And smack the old spheroids                                 
To the stratosphere, if not higher.                         
                                                            
63803 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Dr Limerick  05-30-02    



League action beyond a "tsk tsk",                           
Puts these longball records at risk;                        
Tell posterity                                              
They were not drug-free,                                    
With a helluva big asterisk.                                
                                                            
63804 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Dr Limerick  05-30-02    



Striking it rich, MLB, there's no doubt                     
That it's time fans exerted some clout.                     
While you millionaires bicker                               
Over who got rich quicker;                                  
One more strike and we're calling you out.                  
(Major League Baseball players threaten strike summer '02)  
63805 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Limerick Savant          



A minor league batter named Slate,                          
Stood wiggling his bat at the plate.                        
When the pitch came too fast,                               
The ball flew right past,                                   
As Slate swung at it too late.                              
                                                            
63806 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PEOPLE     Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



A pitcher who made the fans talk                            
Was almost to weighty to walk.                              
When ordered to diet,                                       
He said, "I won't try it.                                   
At giving up eating, I balk."                               
                                                            
63807 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Sally Yocum         P9712



A young baseball pitcher named Fedder                       
Had courted a girl and did wed her.                         
She approved of the style                                   
Of this man versatile,                                      
Who came through with a big double-header.                  
                                                            
63808 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Albin Chaplin            



At the ball park a lady named Kate,                         
To the pitcher showed curves that were great.               
When she fondled his bat,                                   
He responded to that                                        
With two balls and a strike at home plate.                  
                                                            
63809 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Albin Chaplin            



A major league pitcher named Gray                           
Tried to hit all the batters, they say.                     
Threw high and inside                                       
Till the day that he died,                                  
When they buried him low and away.                          
                                                            
63810 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Margaret A. Murdock P8306



In Philly the fans would boo Jesus,                         
Asking, "What's he done lately to please us?                
We've heard all the raves                                   
About how Jesus saves,                                      
So did he blow that late lead to appease us?"               
                                                            
63811 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Bennett Oberfeld         



A pitcher named Michael McTeague                            
Had hoped to try out for the league.                        
But he screwed through the night                            
To his pecker's delight,                                    
And was weak from excessive fatigue.                        
                                                            
63812 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Cap'n Bean               



A pitcher just in Spring training,                          
Discovered his team spirit waning.                          
The say hope springs eternal,                               
But just stop this infernal                                 
Unseasonable snow, sleet, and raining.                      
                                                            
63813 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Sheldon321               



She pitched with speed faster than sound;                   
Her throw 'cross the plate would astound.                   
Then one day she tripped;                                   
The ball it just flipped,                                   
So the coach went to shape up her mound.                    
                                                            
63814 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Travis Brasell           



The coach cleaned her mound with his scrubber,              
While the umpire looked on then said, "Bubber,              
Get on with the game;                                       
She'll pitch just the same!"                                
"But her mound," coach said, "needs a clean rubber!"        
                                                            
63815 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Travis Brasell           



A young baseball pitcher named Witter,                      
Made the lady fans giggle and titter.                       
They would gasp in the stands,                              
With a stirring of glands,                                  
When he showed them his slider and spitter.                 
                                                            
63816 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   Bob Giandomenico    P9511



A farm team pitcher, McDowell,                              
Pitched an egg at a batter named Owl.                       
They cried, "Get a hit!"                                    
But it hatched in the mitt                                  
And the umpire call it a "fowl!"                            
                                                            
63817 SPORTS - BASEBALL - PITCHERS   N. M Bodecker       P8911



A memo last week was dispatched:                            
"The new baseball rules are attached.                       
All flies will be hit                                       
On a field full of spit                                     
And the balls will be already scratched."                   
                                                            
63818 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Al Chaplin          P9610



Tobacco juice our catcher spits,                            
As on his fat haunches he sits.                             
He hides it so well,                                        
That no one can tell,                                       
His hemmorhoids are giving him fits                         
                                                            
63819 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0309



There once was a ballplayer named Bud                       
Who puffed up his cheeks with cud.                          
He never stopped spitting,                                  
While pissing or shitting,                                  
Until he drowned in nicotine mud.                           
                                                            
63820 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   W. Rollin                



A major league rookie named Bart,                           
Is determined to have a good start.                         
He's learned how to hit,                                    
Chew tobacco and spit,                                      
And he knows all the bases by heart.                        
                                                            
63821 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Margaret A. Murdock P8304



The proposed baseball suit is a jewel;                      
The spittoon on the neck strap is cool.                     
It can shift left or right                                  
To the spitter's delight,                                   
And attached is a ball scratching tool.                     
                                                            
63822 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Al Chaplin          P0900



To a man, all the ballplayers state,                        
That ball scratching they now will abate.                   
And the same goes for spitting,                             
A behavior unfitting,                                       
But they'd like to jack off at home plate.                  
                                                            
63823 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Al Chaplin          P0900



As I once explained to my Mame,                             
"Baseball is a strange kind of game.                        
Most players spit                                           
Or scratch an armpit,                                       
Or scratch something else with no shame."                   
                                                            
63824 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Al Willis           P9511



When the homer was caught by fan Pace,                      
Said the home run king fresh from home base,                
"Would you like me to sign                                  
On that game ball of mine?"                                 
Pace said, "No, you may spit in my face."                   
                                                            
63825 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Al Chaplin          P0900



The new ballplayer plan is a gem,                           
Although some may have cause to condem.                     
On all players who spit                                     
Microphones will be fit                                     
So the fans can all hear them draw phlegm.                  
                                                            
63826 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Al Chaplin          P0009



A TV announcer named Moses                                  
Took note of the ballplayers' poses                         
As their balls they adjusted,                               
And it left him disgusted                                   
So he taught them to spit and pick noses.                   
                                                            
63827 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Albin Chaplin            



Baseball games on the tube are a hit                        
With a seven-year-old fan named Kit.                        
He watches TV                                               
In order to see                                             
His favorite athletes spit.                                 
                                                            
63828 SPORTS - BASEBALL - SPITTING   Attic Salt          P0007



I bet on the pacers, they lose.                             
I bet on the Bulls, they snooze.                            
The system, you see,                                        
Is bet against me.                                          
Who I bet against, will cruise.                             
                                                            
63829 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Les Stewart              



In sports, what makes the big headlines;                    
The contracts Shaquille and Jordan sign.                    
How oft do you hear                                         
That in a career,                                           
He's a blessing in his hometown confines.                   
                                                            
63830 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Jenni Saqua              



The Terrapins just beat the Hoosiers,                       
Who lost, but were never the loosers.                       
That honor, last night                                      
Went to Bobby Knight;                                       
The blowhard, the choker, the bruiser.                      
(Bobby Knight - ill-mannered coach)                         
63831 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Dr Limerick              



They've sighed a tall hoopster named Tate.                  
Just how tall he is, I can't state,                         
But his mother has sworn                                    
That it's true he was born                                  
On October six, seven, and eight.                           
                                                            
63832 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                P8306



Yes, this young girl was really so hot,                     
The whole basketball team got a shot.                       
And after they'd made her,                                  
About nine months later,                                    
A bouncing baby boy now she's got.                          
(he even dribbles)                                          
63833 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Kaylin Brandon           



The Bulls are a basketball team                             
With players of which coaches dream.                        
There was never a doubt                                     
That they would win out;                                    
They have proven that they are the cream.                   
                                                            
63834 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Ron Corlies              



I know a young lady named Rose                              
Who painted the nails of her toes                           
With black over red;                                        
She fashioned the head                                      
Of a bull with a ring in his nose.                          
(Chicago Bulls 1997 basketball champs - their mascot)       
63835 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Bob Leclerc              



Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack?                       
I can't jump!  All the jocks give me flack!                 
Won't you listen to me?                                     
I'm too white!  Can't you see?                              
Oh Lord, won't you give me some black!                      
                                                            
63836 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            William N Nesbit    P0010



Basketball guy's spout MUMBO Jumbo,                         
Like little girls hoping for some beau.                     
Offering millions                                           
Before cotillions,                                          
To find a Dikembe Motumbo.                                  
                                                            
63837 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Daniel Ford              



An N.B.A. groupie named Leaming                             
Likes two jocks at once and is scheming,                    
To combine tail and head,                                   
With a duo in bed,                                          
"For I like," so she said, "double teaming."                
                                                            
63838 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



If he plays basketball and he's cute,                       
I advise you girls, "Don't give a hoot.                     
You should try to abstain                                   
And engage a new swain,                                     
'Cause he dribbles whenever he shoots."                     
                                                            
63839 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Al Willis           P9708



A basketball player from Butte                              
Had a cheerleader feeling his root.                         
She stroked his big dick,                                   
Then gave it a lick;                                        
He dribbled before he could shoot.                          
                                                            
63840 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                P8306



Basketball is an exciting sport;                            
The players run across the court.                           
Dribbling and scoring,                                      
It never gets boring,                                       
Unless the game gets cut short!                             
                                                            
63841 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Kathy Arias        TP9802



"Go Jazz!" yells my little Nicole,                          
When Andrei K is on a roll.                                 
She likes basketball                                        
Although she is small;                                      
Just two and she's out of control.                          
                                                            
63842 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Bonnie Lewis             



There once was a boy who liked sports;                      
He was always on basketball courts.                         
He shot many shots,                                         
And made quite a lot,                                       
When he wore his spiffy blue shorts.                        
                                                            
63843 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Adam                     



He went to the old NBA.                                     
'Cause he thought that there he could play.                 
In a league with real men,                                  
He couldn't fit in.                                         
Now he's back on the courts of L.A.                         
                                                            
63844 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Adam                     



A young man who like round-ball a lot,                      
Played basketball each chance he got.                       
When it came time to screw,                                 
He would grab him a 'roo,                                   
And work on his fucking jump shot.                          
                                                            
63845 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Tom Simon                



This superstar dunker, Joe Graff,                           
Stands eight feet from topknot to calf;                     
And 'mirabile dictu',                                       
Sports ten inches of prick, too!                            
(His grandaddy fucked a giraffe).                           
                                                            
63846 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Armand E Singer       941



The talented "Velcro Five" group,                           
Is the baskeball league's finest troupe.                    
And their fans always thrill                                
At their consummate skill,                                  
And how easily they just look and hoop.                     
                                                            
63847 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Bob Giandomenico    P9807



Kareem Abdul-Jabbar                                         
From his toes to his head measures far.                     
Did his mother's entreaties                                 
To finish his Wheaties                                      
Make him long as a limousine car?                           
                                                            
63848 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Sally Hoover        P9302



It's sad Magic Johnson is sick,                             
From the virus he caught with his dick.                     
Don't think me unkind,                                      
But he would be fine                                        
If his Johnson, my friend, was magic.                       
                                                            
63849 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Magic, "My record's been ripped--                      
My career with the Laker's been nipped.                     
I've learned from the guys,                                 
HIV's spread by flies--                                     
How I wish that I'd just kept mine zipped."                 
                                                            
63850 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Martin Wellborn     P9112



I'm watching the basketball game;                           
My team has the Utah Jazz name.                             
Don't get the respect                                       
That you might expect,                                      
For guys of Olympic team fame.                              
                                                            
63851 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



If your hoops job is to play pivot,  (basketball)           
You must know when to shoot or give it.                     
You make the call,                                          
But don't hog the ball,                                     
Or the coach will get in SWIVET.                            
                                                            
63852 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Norm Brust               



A basketball player named Munn                              
Said, "Honey, when all's said and done,                     
A game is real fine                                         
But truly divine                                            
Is humping you, babe, one on one!"                          
                                                            
63853 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Armand E Singer       828



So do please remember to keep cool,                         
When facing reporters from the pool.                        
They're just as flakey,                                     
Achey and breaky,                                           
As you were at their age...and cruel.                       
                                                            
63854 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Daniel Ford              



Pippen and Jordan are sweet;                                
With Rodman, who's tattooed his meat.                       
Air's (Jordan) waggin' his tongue --                        
The Hornets got stung.                                      
Rice, Mason, and Curry looked beat.                         
                                                            
63855 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



On this day I really got kicks                              
As my team delivered some licks.                            
Oh, it sure was sweet                                       
When my team beat the HEAT.                                 
Congrats to the NEW YORK KNICKS.                            
(professional basketball teams in the U.S.)                 
63856 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Puff Adder               



Considered champ by those in the know,                      
Was a seven three player named Joe.                         
When he couldn't jump higher,                               
It was time to retire                                       
To teach some young players to throw.                       
                                                            
63857 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Arthur Pattaffy          



Dennis Rodman, while visiting Durban,                       
Was arrested for wearing a turban.                          
He was swishing 'round town                                 
In a gauzy white gown,                                      
And the Sikhs found his antics perturbin'.                  
                                                            
63858 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Cybergeezer              



There once was a man named Shaq,                            
For b-ball he had quite a knack.                            
He was really tall,                                         
And could palm the ball,                                    
And is young and gifted and black.                          
                                                            
63859 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Sara                     



The Lakers have made quite a deal                           
By acquiring the like of Shaquille.                         
He'll have a seven year stay,                               
Playing down by the bay;                                    
To those fans, he is bound to appeal.                       
                                                            
63860 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Ron Corlies              



With the draft picks the Lakers were hoardin',              
And their cash flow, they now are affordin'                 
Saddam Hussein,                                             
To post in the lane.                                        
They hear he can shoot over Jordan.                         
(Michael Jordan allstar)                                    
63861 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Res Ipsa                 



I saw but I thought I was drunk;                            
My jaw hit the floor with a clunk.                          
A Pole who's that tall,                                     
When having the ball,                                       
Always makes a standing slam dunk!                          
                                                            
63862 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



There one was a boy from Montreal                           
Who loved to play basketball.                               
For a team he tried out;                                    
If he made it, I doubt;                                     
For you see, he was just three feet tall.                   
                                                            
63863 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Kasia Kowalski           



Any one out there a Utah Jazz fan?                          
It appears to me there's been a plan                        
To keep the Jazz down,                                      
And the Bulls on the town.                                  
It's hard to root for the also-ran. <Sigh>                  
                                                            
63864 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Marlene Lewis            



I kept betting the Jazz'd win the next game;                
My bets kept getting shot down in flame.                    
Jordan ended my hopes                                       
With the Jazz on the ropes.                                 
I hope next year's season's not the same.                   
                                                            
63865 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Marlene Lewis            



I like the Jazz, because wherever I go,                     
If there's a game I can pick up on radio.                   
"Hot Rod" explains it,                                      
So I don't miss a bit,                                      
'Cause at rules understanding - I'm slow.                   
                                                            
63866 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Marlene Lewis            



It took me forever to get "pick and roll",                  
And to not gasp at "go to the hole."                        
(Took Hot Rod to explain:                                   
The guy ran down the lane.)                                 
Now I'm working on post-up -- like a pole?                  
                                                            
63867 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Marlene Lewis            



Don't tell me what shirts they've got on!                   
Some games they don't tell me who won,                      
Until they've explained Rodman's hair,                      
And Jordan's underwear.                                     
If I can't figure it out, it's no fun.                      
                                                            
63868 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Marlene                  



Have you all seen Karl Malone?                              
We claim him as one of our own.                             
Plays hard for the Jazz;                                    
I think no one has                                          
Such shoulders with great muscle tone.                      
                                                            
63869 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



Karl's the power forward (and hunk).                        
He can pass, steal, rebound, and dunk.                      
He can draw a foul;                                         
Has one scary scowl!                                        
And does not have tattoos and junk.                         
                                                            
63870 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



John Stockton is just six foot one,                         
But he surely gets the job done.                            
In steals and assists,                                      
He's top of the lists;                                      
Makes watching this game so much fun!                       
                                                            
63871 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



You cannot judge John by his size.                          
He's one of my favorite guys.                               
He wears his shorts short,                                  
And I must report                                           
That his shorts show off his nice thighs.                   
                                                            
63872 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



Won't bore you with all of the rest.                        
They all put my nerves to the test.                         
Don't care if they win --                                   
But is it a sin,                                            
To keep all my hormones suppressed?                         
                                                            
63873 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



While basketball girls from Slovakia                        
Were wishing they had a sloclockia,                         
To give them more time,                                     
Their coach wished for prime                                
Time on her new boyfriend's slocockia.                      
                                                            
63874 SPORTS - BASKETBALL                                     



The Jazz played so poorly today;                            
I guess there's not much more to say.                       
It makes me feel bad,                                       
But what makes me mad                                       
Are those "skorts" that they wear to play.                  
                                                            
63875 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Bonnie Lewis             



If their game is going to stink,                            
The least they could do, you would think                    
Is to wear some short shorts,                               
Instead of those skorts.                                    
I want to see more "leg" (wink, wink).                      
                                                            
63876 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Bonnie Lewis             



The players complained that Coach Knox                      
Had a strange way of picking his Hawks.                     
He never would heed                                         
Their skill or their speed,                                 
But only the size of their cocks.                           
                                                            
63877 SPORTS - BASKETBALL            Michael Larson      P0312



At bowling, Bud's skill waxed and waned;                    
Soon all his patience was drained.                          
"It's not lack of skill                                     
Or a shortage of will;                                      
The alley is bowed," he complained.                         
                                                            
63878 SPORTS - BOWLING               Ed                       



Joe serviced the pins with great care,                      
Till a rumbling caused him to stare.                        
He needed to duck                                           
But his head it was struck,                                 
And his false teeth helped pick up the spare.               
                                                            
63879 SPORTS - BOWLING               Richard Long             



There was a girl bowler named Jane,                         
Who bowled her ball right down the lane.                    
When it rolled in the gutter,                               
She was heard to utter                                      
Words that were quite often profane.                        
                                                            
63880 SPORTS - BOWLING               Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



Now Allie sure thinks Sam is neat;                          
She claims his cold cuts can't be beat.                     
No one can bowl better.                                     
She'd sure love to get her                                  
Hands on his large balls and his meat.                      
                                                            
63881 SPORTS - BOWLING               Drayton INC              



In back of the old bowling alley,                           
I'd dally with Sal's hills and valley.                      
Each time the pins fell                                     
The place shook like hell...                                
The earth moved for me and for Sally.                       
                                                            
63882 SPORTS - BOWLING                                        



A bowling team up in the valley                             
Had a young girl to keep the tally.                         
When the last ball was thrown,                              
The whole team would get blown;                             
All that scoring was right up her alley.                    
                                                            
63883 SPORTS - BOWLING               MrMalo                   



A flatulent bowler named Bartz                              
Distracted his team with his farts.                         
They sewed up his colon                                     
Which perked up his bowlin',                                
But was rough on his innermost parts                        
                                                            
63884 SPORTS - BOWLING               Jim Weaver Collection    



The game contains all of ten pins;                          
Three hundred points maximum wins.                          
Strike or a spare,                                          
She just doesn't care,                                      
As long as her box, they are in.                            
                                                            
63885 SPORTS - BOWLING               Arden                    



At bowling, Sal's just a beginner,                          
But all the boys that she let in her,                       
Say no problem of course.                                   
She'll get always high scores;                              
For at handling the balls, she's a winner!                  
                                                            
63886 SPORTS - BOWLING                                        



At a championship final in bowls,                           
The green was invaded by moles.                             
They dug up the drains,                                     
Colonel Fawcett's remains,                                  
And some very old British Rail rolls.                       
                                                            
63887 SPORTS - BOWLING               Bill Wall                



An avid chess player named Lee                              
Played chess with his dog with great glee.                  
But his dog was not smart                                   
For he oft fell apart,                                      
And the dog was beat two out of three.                      
                                                            
63888 SPORTS - CHESS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2666



A chessplayer was known to be great,                        
And was anything but sedate;                                
When moving to win,                                         
He broadly would grin,                                      
And bellow: "That is check -- and mate!"                    
                                                            
63889 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



There once was a player -- Maloney,                         
Who always played the Benoni.                               
But his counterattack                                       
Failed to a sac;                                            
And his Benoni was just all baloney.                        
(sac - sacrifice?)                                          
63890 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



The computer we know as "Big Blue",                         
Was taught what competitors do.                             
So when Kasparov came near,                                 
It bit off his ear,                                         
And spat it to Queen's Bishop 2.                            
                                                            
63891 SPORTS - CHESS                 Vertech Limerick Contest 



A chess playing bishop named Klee                           
Would always walk diagonaly.                                
His church, Gothic style,                                   
But no center aisle.                                        
Two aisles in an inverted V.                                
                                                            
63892 SPORTS - CHESS                 Irving Superior     P9101



This chess playing bishop named Klee                        
Who always walked diagonaly,                                
Encountered a knight,                                       
First left and then right                                   
Of where he then happened to be.                            
                                                            
63893 SPORTS - CHESS                 Irving Superior     P9101



The chess playing bishop named Klee                         
Who always walked diagonaly,                                
Encountered a rook                                          
Who after one look,                                         
Took off at a ninety degree.                                
                                                            
63894 SPORTS - CHESS                 Irving Superior     P9101



Next the chess playing bishop named Klee                    
Who always walked diagonaly,                                
Encountered a pawn,                                         
"My friends are all gone.                                   
The front line is no place to be."                          
                                                            
63895 SPORTS - CHESS                 Irving Superior     P9101



Then the chess playing bishop named Klee                    
Who always walks diagonaly,                                 
Encountered the queen.                                      
From where she had been,                                    
In every direction went she.                                
                                                            
63896 SPORTS - CHESS                 Irving Superior     P9101



Then the chess playing bishop named Klee                    
Who always walked diagonaly,                                
Encountered the king                                        
Who (friendliest thing)                                     
Said, "Come, stand in this spot next to me."                
                                                            
63897 SPORTS - CHESS                 Irving Superior     P9101



A chessboard of a new design,                               
That prevents an early resign.                              
With a different king                                       
Out on either wing,                                         
The board must be nine by nine.                             
                                                            
63898 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



Though at chess, young Albert is great,                     
Last night he had had his first date.                       
She was not too impressed                                   
With his improper request,                                  
And told him "Your breath is stalemate!"                    
                                                            
63899 SPORTS - CHESS                 Anon                     



This has happened to you, I will bet.                       
You bring your chess set and forget,                        
For you notice with shock,                                  
You broken your chess clock,                                
And pieces missing from your best set.                      
                                                            
63900 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



There once was a chessplayer named Flo,                     
Who liked to mate, you know;                                
When you castled long,                                      
She helped along,                                           
And would say, "O - O - O."                                 
                                                            
63901 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



A mistress of chess from Quebec                             
Wore a blunderbuss strung at her neck.                      
When a man for a caper                                      
Attempted to rape her,                                      
She blew off his head and said "Check!"                     
                                                            
63902 SPORTS - CHESS                 Hugh Oliver           43b



He begins to salivate                                       
While contemplating your fate.                              
You see your King fall                                      
Hear his triumphant call --                                 
"Checkmate, checkmate, checkmate!"                          
                                                            
63903 SPORTS - CHESS                 Chris Papa               



Without chance of escape, CHECKMATE,                        
Unless rules one does abrogate,                             
Means end of the game                                       
And feeling quite lame,                                     
Like ashes fallen through the grate.                        
                                                            
63904 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



An Aussie, in tempting his fate,                            
Paid bill for an auto, sum great.                           
The draft, bank had stopped;                                
He into jail popped;                                        
"We don't accept rubber CHECK, MATE!"                       
                                                            
63905 SPORTS - CHESS                 Chris Papa               



There once was a man named Kasparov,                        
And a machine with which he could spar off.                 
Though the machine was much faster,                         
It was not a grand master,                                  
So it lost whent the novelty wore off.                      
(Big Blue won - 3 1/2 to 2 1/2 1997)                        
63906 SPORTS - CHESS                 Pietro Michelucci        



In Kasparov versus Deep Blue,                               
The machine had an advantage or two.                        
It knew Gary's old plays,                                   
But was left in a daze,                                     
When he opened with one that was new.                       
                                                            
63907 SPORTS - CHESS                 Pietro Michelucci        



Attorney and gent played some chess,                        
Either of them would confess,                               
That they were so good,                                     
That nobody should,                                         
With future champs never impress.                           
                                                            
63908 SPORTS - CHESS                 Chris Papa               



They shouted aloud in hotel,                                
Then manager started to yell,                               
"You two please get out!"                                   
They started to pout,                                       
Asked for explantion as well.                               
                                                            
63909 SPORTS - CHESS                 Chris Papa               



The manager turned to the lawyer,                           
With haughty look of a Boyar,                               
Explained with a sneer,                                     
So all there would hear,                                    
"No chess nuts boasting in this open foyer!"                
                                                            
63910 SPORTS - CHESS                 Chris Papa               



There was an old man of Sheerness,                          
Who invited two friends to play chess,                      
But he'd lent all the pieces                                
To one of his nieces,                                       
And stupidly lost the address.                              
                                                            
63911 SPORTS - CHESS                 R. Davies                



Deep Blue could think longer and faster                     
Than Kasparov, Russian Grandmaster.                         
After looking ahead,                                        
It solemnly said,                                           
"I forsee a Grandmaster disaster!"                          
                                                            
63912 SPORTS - CHESS                 KJR                      



The machine that they call Deeper Blue,                     
Was heard at the after-match do,                            
To say to young Gary,                                       
"I love you! Let's marry!"                                  
You can flush your Fritz 4 down the loo."                   
                                                            
63913 SPORTS - CHESS                 M Buckley                



The poor husband's future looked gaunt,                     
So to please the young debutante,                           
He checked the castle,                                      
Then quick and facile,                                      
Partook of his queen en passant.                            
                                                            
63914 SPORTS - CHESS                 Mikel Potts              



When her boyfriend came by to get Bess,                     
Her father assured him that yes,                            
She'd be down right away,                                   
But then to his dismay                                      
Asked the guy if he'd like to play chess.                   
                                                            
63915 SPORTS - CHESS                 A. N. Wilkins       P8502



Watching a chess match, Miss Bryce,                         
Was trapped in a chess master's vise.                       
No one envied her plight --                                 
She was forked by a knight,                                 
And a bishop who mated her twice.                           
                                                            
63916 SPORTS - CHESS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1976



Caissa, Goddess of Chess                                    
Has this task, no more and no less.                         
Every game, mate or damn bit,                               
Sicilian or gambit,                                         
She must ever be ready to bless.                            
                                                            
63917 SPORTS - CHESS                 Ed Wolfert          P8309



There once was a Grandmaster named Browne,                  
Who wore a perpetual frown.                                 
As he played blitz against Dzindzi,                         
The crowd got all cringy;                                   
He said just one word; that was "DOWN!"                     
                                                            
63918 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



A young bride said, "I really do hate                       
That my husband plays chess very late.                      
So my only recourse                                         
Is to file for divorce,                                     
On the grounds that I have a stale mate!"                   
                                                            
63919 SPORTS - CHESS                 Observer           TP9901



In order to solve his wife's plight,                        
The husband said, "I'll do what's right.                    
I'll stay home on Monday,                                   
And also on Sunday,                                         
And play chess on some other night."                        
                                                            
63920 SPORTS - CHESS                 Travis Brasell           



There was a chess player named Frost,                       
Whose path in the library I crossed;                        
He played a mean game,                                      
Cold and hard like his name;                                
But I still am the champ, for he lost.                      
                                                            
63921 SPORTS - CHESS                 Alexander Baron          



There was a young lady named Bess,                          
Who wore a revealing tight dress.                           
Though all of the boys                                      
Tried all of their ploys,                                   
All she wanted to do was play chess.                        
                                                            
63922 SPORTS - CHESS                 CM                       



Man versus Machine it was billed,                           
And each day the auditorium filled.                         
An interesting fight                                        
With Gary first to have white.                              
Can anyone claim they're not thrilled?                      
                                                            
63923 SPORTS - CHESS                 SPORTS - CHESS           



The first game proved Gary still king;                      
Deep Blue hadn't learned anything.                          
Quickly out of it's book,                                   
It later won Gary's rook.                                   
Does this thing even belong in the ring?                    
                                                            
63924 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



But then Kasparov resigned in Game 2,                       
And at that time, nobody knew.                              
Later shown he could draw,                                  
Did this stick in his craw?                                 
Others may be wondering too!                                
                                                            
63925 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



"The printouts!" Kasparov cried,                            
"Why was I so flatly denied?"                               
So then they were sealed;                                   
Only later revealed;                                        
One point each -- this match is now tied!                   
                                                            
63926 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



Games 3, 4 and 5 were all drawn;                            
Deep Blue did indeed have some brawn!                       
It's now winner take all,                                   
So don't fumble the ball.                                   
(Or in our case, don't fumble a pawn.)                      
                                                            
63927 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



Game 6 was the most startling yet;                          
I'm sure it cost many a bet.                                
Deep Blue sacked a knight;                                  
Quickly proved it was right;                                
And so began all the talk on the Net.                       
                                                            
63928 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



This chess match made world-wide news,                      
And most thought that Big Blue would lose.                  
But with three and a half,                                  
If you do the math,                                         
You'll find Gary's the one with the blues!                  
                                                            
63929 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



No machine had done it 'til now;                            
Bested our champ in match-plaay -- KAPOW!                   
While few thought it would,                                 
Deep Blue proved it could                                   
And Gary is wondering how?                                  
                                                            
63930 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



"I was not in the mood to fight,"                           
Said the champ to the press that night.                     
But let this be clear,                                      
I guarantee -- do you hear? --                              
I will tear it to pieces." -- he might!                     
                                                            
63931 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



So in New York, on the eleventh of May,                     
Of '97, the records will say:                               
A machine, no less,                                         
Sat down to play chess                                      
And proved that it really can play!                         
                                                            
63932 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



"Rematch" was then heard through the land;                  
It is something we all should demand.                       
For if Deep Blue will square-off                            
One more time with Kasparov,                                
The games would be certainly grand!                         
                                                            
63933 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



We really have nothing to fear;                             
Computers can help us, it's clear.                          
And although Deep Blue won                                  
With its day in the sun,                                    
I think chess was the real winner here.                     
                                                            
63934 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



"The printouts", Kasparov cried,                            
"Why was I so flatly denied?"                               
'Cause the answer would show                                
What you and I know:                                        
That Fischer was really inside!                             
                                                            
63935 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



The Knight -- that's the one like a horse,                  
Is one piece that can jump -- but of course.                
The jump's got a twist                                      
'Cause the rider's half-pissed.                             
No wonder he can't stay on course.                          
                                                            
63936 SPORTS - CHESS                 Fred                     



Thought I'd learn the game of chess,                        
But I never gave it my best.                                
I knocked over the king,                                    
Held onto my ding,                                          
And ripped off the black queen's dress.                     
                                                            
63937 SPORTS - CHESS                 Rangoleer                



Though chess gives some people delight,                     
For some it has nothing but fright.                         
It's for queers advocated,                                  
For the king can be mated                                   
By the bishop, the pawn, or the knight.                     
                                                            
63938 SPORTS - CHESS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1014



While playing at chess, Mr. Bing                            
Was fondling the knob on his thing.                         
He displayed such delight                                   
As he checked with his knight,                              
That he blew as he mated the king.                          
                                                            
63939 SPORTS - CHESS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1952



Mathematics, of Sciences, Queen,                            
And the black queen of chess, while unseen,                 
Swapped their men for affairs,                              
Which perplexes the heirs,                                  
'Cause a knight's where a count should have been.           
                                                            
63940 SPORTS - CHESS                 Prof M-G                 



There once was a girl in the nude,                          
Who played chess with some other dude.                      
She announced to her date,                                  
She was ready to mate,                                      
But her meaning was quite misconstrued.                     
                                                            
63941 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



There was a chess player named Pete                         
Who never went down to defeat.                              
He put up a great fight                                     
With his rook and his knight,                               
And he played with his hands and his feet.                  
                                                            
63942 SPORTS - CHESS                 Albin Chaplin            



In chess, my wife has the ambition                          
To win under any condition.                                 
But to this date,                                           
She has yet to mate;                                        
She just can't find the right position.                     
                                                            
63943 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



Postal chess is here to stay,                               
And no reason why I shouldn't play.                         
It is nice and slow,                                        
I can use my ECO,                                           
It's the postage that I can not pay.                        
                                                            
63944 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



There's something that chess computers lack;                
It's not they know how to attack;                           
They can fork and pin;                                      
They may lose, they may win.                                
But they just will never talk back.                         
                                                            
63945 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



There was a queer fellow of Guelph                          
Who kept an odd game on the shelf.                          
Played like chess -- but no queen --                        
And some thought it obscene,                                
For the King could mate just with himself.                  
                                                            
63946 SPORTS - CHESS                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2095



The pawn's move is subtle and dange-                        
Rous.  One square or two it can range.                      
It takes on the slant;                                      
Move backwards, it can't,                                   
And en passant is even more strange.                        
                                                            
63947 SPORTS - CHESS                 Tony Davie               



Said the pawn to the bishop, "I can't                       
Move like you, I'd just puff and pant.                      
You're obliquely generic,                                   
You diagonal cleric.                                        
Does your prick, when erect, point aslant?"                 
                                                            
63948 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



The Queen said, "Oh, Knight, you're devine!                 
And your horse!  With appendage so fine!                    
Do you think that we three                                  
Could go out to tea,                                        
Then repair to a square and entwine?"                       
                                                            
63949 SPORTS - CHESS                 Tutta Gioia              



The USCF rating's inflated,                                 
But lower rate players elated.                              
They can lose every game,                                   
But their rate stays the same,                              
Or even more highly elevated.                               
                                                            
63950 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



Though at chess, young Albert is great;                     
Last night he had his first date.                           
She was not so impressed                                    
With his improper requests,                                 
And told him "Your breath is stale, mate."                  
                                                            
63951 SPORTS - CHESS                 Andrew Purdom            



A young chess player said to his date,                      
"My dear, do you mind if we mate."                          
She said, "I can cook                                       
And fondle your rook."                                      
He said, "Stop the clock, it's too late."                   
                                                            
63952 SPORTS - CHESS                 M Buckley                



Strip chess is a game where one bares                       
One's pieces on sixty-four squares.                         
The aim is to lose                                          
So your partner has views,                                  
So please don't wear too many layers.                       
                                                            
63953 SPORTS - CHESS                                          



Why not have a go at strip chess?                           
Your pieces I'd love to caress.                             
It might get obscene                                        
When my knight takes your queen,                            
But at mating I think I'll impress.                         
                                                            
63954 SPORTS - CHESS                 Tiddy Ogg                



In college I used to play chess;                            
I always wore some low-cut dress.                           
He forgot the game.                                         
He forgot his name!                                         
His strategy became a mess.                                 
                                                            
63955 SPORTS - CHESS                 Marlene Lewis            



Thought I was just being a flirt.                           
Made his pulse jump under his shirt.                        
Sacrificed a knight                                         
When his jeans got tight.                                   
Did not know someone would be hurt.                         
                                                            
63956 SPORTS - CHESS                 Marlene Lewis            



I will never play chess again;                              
The board has too many men.                                 
The Queen's trapped and placed,                             
Protected and chaste.                                       
Let's go cuddle up in the den.                              
                                                            
63957 SPORTS - CHESS                 Marlene Lewis            



There once was a player from Maine,                         
Who played chess on a very fast train.                      
He took a move back                                         
And was thrown off the track,                               
And he never did play chess again.                          
                                                            
63958 SPORTS - CHESS                 Bill Wall                



While climbing in Switzerland, how                          
He was tempted en route by a cow.                           
But he kept to his promise                                  
To Heidi, did Thomas,                                       
And climaxed atop the Jungfrau.                             
                                                            
63959 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Peter Wilkins            



Went camping with Sue and Louise,                           
Who erected my tent with some ease.                         
They spread mayonnaise                                      
On my pole, which delays                                    
Me from coming whenever I please.                           
                                                            
63960 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       PeterW                   



I know that I'm not telling tales                           
Those maps all got printed in Braille.                      
From her tits to her clit,                                  
All the boys agreed it,                                     
Was the best feel they had on the trail.                    
                                                            
63961 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING                                



There was an old man from China,                            
Who wasn't a very good climber.                             
He slipped on a rock                                        
And broke his cock,                                         
And now he's got a vagina!                                  
                                                            
63962 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING                                



"I wondered wherever we went                                
On our camping trip," said Mr. Dent,                        
"How the Arabs today                                        
Could steal quietly away                                    
If they had to fold up this damned tent."                   
                                                            
63963 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       A. N. Wilkins       P8407



In the Rockies a sturdy young guide                         
Used to take all the girls in his stride                    
At the top of the pass,                                     
For he wanted his ass                                       
With a true Continental Divide.                             
                                                            
63964 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Keith MacMillan       96a



The mountain was steep and sheer;                           
Over the edge, the climber did peer.                        
He slipped and fell,                                        
And didn't look well,                                       
As across the rocks below he did smear.                     
                                                            
63965 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING                                



There was a young climber named Mauch,                      
Whose brains must have slipped a whole notch;               
He couldn't tell crampons                                   
From feminine tampons,                                      
And fell off his mistress's crotch!                         
                                                            
63966 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Armand E Singer       449



A French mountain climber named Jean                        
Developed a raging hard-on                                  
While climbing a peak,                                      
Whose name was so chic,                                     
In Idaho, called "Grand Teton!"                             
(means 'big tit' in frog - McW)                             
63967 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Tutta Gioia              



There was a young fellow named Mike                         
Who took his girl out on a hike.                            
She was had on the trail                                    
While she held a hand rail,                                 
And again going home on the bike.                           
                                                            
63968 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Albin Chaplin            



Through acres of moutaineer's shit,                         
She climbed and attempted to sit                            
On Everest's huge peak,                                     
But arose with a squeak;                                    
"Gee, fellows, that freezes my clit!"                       
(in honor of first Brit woman to climb Everest)             
63969 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Tiddy Ogg                



Though her figure was knobby and slobby                     
Kay was easily mounted by Bobby.                            
Said he with a smirk,                                       
"That was fun, Hon, not work...                             
For you see mountain climbing's my hobby!"                  
                                                            
63970 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Grand Prix Lim  606      



One Longbottom, climbing Ben Nevis                          
Fell forty feet into a crevice.                             
He was wedged by Ars Longa,                                 
Recovered, got stronger,                                    
Then passed out, RIP, Vita Brevis.                          
                                                            
63971 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING                                



A young mountain climber named Weeks                        
Loved virgins with oversize cheeks.                         
He loved to explore                                         
Where no man was before,                                    
And he romped in the valleys and peaks.                     
                                                            
63972 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Albin Chaplin   3024-1401



A young mountaineer from Nepal                              
Invented a new way to fall.                                 
It worked out so well,                                      
That no one could tell                                      
Where he was - if he'd landed at all.                       
                                                            
63973 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Michael Palin       P0110



A cautious old man in Nepal                                 
When viewing the mountains so tall                          
Thought: The thrill of a climb                              
May be somthing sublime,                                    
But if I don't climb, I don't fall.                         
                                                            
63974 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Warrick Elrod            



A young mountain climber named Frazier,                     
Fell into a crack in a glacier.                             
"This is rally appalling!"                                  
He shouted while falling,                                   
Then he lapsed into total aphasia.                          
                                                            
63975 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       John Ciardi              



A curious fellow named Kurt                                 
Loved to climb Alpine peaks in a skirt.                     
He said it felt nice                                        
In the snow and the ice,                                    
And it kept those below more alert.                         
                                                            
63976 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Michael Palin            



There is a clean climber called Sykes                       
Who goes scrambling through ditches and dykes               
To skate on his scalp                                       
Down the side of an Alp                                     
Is the kind of diversion he likes                           
                                                            
63977 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       James Joyce         P9008



Close to Greybull, Wyoming, Mack George,                    
A good smith, owned a livery and forge.                     
He fell into one day                                        
The abyss out that way,                                     
Which thereafter was call "George's Gorge".                 
(take-off on Gorgeous George, effeminate wrestler of 1950's)
63978 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9509



An old mountain climber named Frost                         
Engaged a fat whore at low cost.                            
With his pitons and rope,                                   
He was scaling her slope,                                   
But he slipped through a crack and got lost.                
                                                            
63979 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Albin Chaplin   3024-2076



A brave rock climber named Dowd                             
Performed for a marveling crowd.                            
He fell on his head,                                        
But doesn't know he is dead,                                
And still he climbs through the cloud.                      
                                                            
63980 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Greg Stl Pierre          



Give your pecker erection a tweak;                          
Climb a 29000 foot peak.                                    
Basic physical laws                                         
Will undoubtedly cause                                      
The stiffness your lady friends seek.                       
                                                            
63981 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Peter                    



If your girl friend manhandles your spout,                  
At this height you'll be left in no doubt;                  
For the pressure within you                                 
Expanding your sinew,                                       
Is greater than pressure without.                           
                                                            
63982 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Peter                    



Only two monor problems I'm told;                           
Lack of oxygen makes your knees fold.                       
While your gasping for air,                                 
Your testicle pair                                          
Will detach and drop off, it's so cold.                     
                                                            
63983 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Peter                    



A climber of mountains named Whymper                        
Was known to observe with a simper,                         
"When you reach fifty-five,                                 
And by chance still alive,                                  
Your nerve like your dick becomes limper."                  
                                                            
63984 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Armand E Singer       406



An alpinist couple named Boyle                              
Found climbing a glacier hard toil;                         
Said she, "I'll be generous,                                
Go scale my mons veneris,                                   
That's one thing the Bergschrund can't spoil."              
                                                            
63985 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Armand E Singer       691



In the winter they found climber Paul,                      
As he lay in the creek, clothes and all.                    
Said the coroner, Plummer,                                  
"He's been dead since the summer,                           
And he died in the spring in the fall.                      
                                                            
63986 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Albin Chaplin            



There was a young girl called Jemima,                       
Who fancied herself as a climber.                           
Take her up to the rocks,                                   
She will bound like a fox.                                  
She'll go up the face like an old-timer!                    
                                                            
63987 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Arthur Pattaffy          



In the most posh of Alpine retreats,                        
Each guest the proprietress greets,                         
Is informed that she dreads,                                
Hiking gear on the beds,                                    
And how trekker packs sully clean sheets.                   
                                                            
63988 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Bob Giandomenico         



Mountain climbing has left my dick sore,                    
Like it never has hurt me before.                           
What was different, you ask?                                
Hurt me so at this task?                                    
I'll go to Mt Everest no more!                              
                                                            
63989 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Jon Gearhart             



A daring young caver named Lynn                             
Was deep in original sin.                                   
While under Mendip,                                         
Her man made her strip.                                     
Then hammered a hard piton in.                              
(Mendip - range of hills in Somerset Shire)                 
63990 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Confused                 



There once was a whore lived in Duncan,                     
Whose cunt was incredibly suck in.                          
When with her in bed,                                       
We wore lamps on our head.                                  
Because it was just like spelunkin'.                        
                                                            
63991 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Michael Thailand         



I took a young girl, once, spelunking;                      
On the floor we ended up bunking.                           
Stroking with might                                         
My rising stalagtite,                                       
Till deep in her cave I was spunking.                       
                                                            
63992 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Onewayout                



A neophyte climber named Cox                                
Popped uppers to get him up rocks,                          
But running down slopes                                     
Used downers plus ropes,                                    
To stop wearing holes in his socks.                         
                                                            
63993 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Armand E Singer        77



With passionate kisses we spent                             
Last night in this field in Tashkent.                       
This morning the dew                                        
Has soaked me right through;                                
Perhaps we should purchase a tent?                          
                                                            
63994 SPORTS - CLIMBING/HIKING       Nick                     



The archer Tell now has to try                              
To aim the arrow not too high,                              
But also not low                                            
Yet through the target go                                   
But miss the apple of his eye.                              
                                                            
63995 SPORTS - COMBAT                Irving Superior     P8306



A pretty young archer named Jane                            
Was considered by all to be plain.                          
Her bowstring she'd pull,                                   
But instead of a bull,                                      
Hit a cow, who lowed loudly in pain.                        
                                                            
63996 SPORTS - COMBAT                Arthur Pattaffy          



Such a symbol of stud we derive                             
From the cult of the Colt .45,                              
For its genital shape                                       
Sends us guys kind of ape,                                  
With that hard, North American drive!                       
                                                            
63997 SPORTS - COMBAT                Keith MacMillan     A134A



There once was a member of Mensa,                           
Who was a most excellent fencer.                            
The sword that he used                                      
Was his -- (line is refused.                                
And has now been removed by the censor).                    
                                                            
63998 SPORTS - COMBAT                Isaac Asimov             



A champion fencer named Mort                                
Was hurting for lack of support.                            
When he shopped for a strap,                                
The clerk saw his tap,                                      
And said, "Sorry! We've nothng that short!"                 
                                                            
63999 SPORTS - COMBAT                Annie Jay                



There was a pirate named Pete,                              
While fencing, he dripped on his feet.                      
The blade of his cutlass                                    
Rendered him nutless,                                       
And poor Pete has a piece of dead meat.                     
                                                            
64000 SPORTS - COMBAT                Doc B                    



A student of fencing, untrussed,                            
Told her teacher who lunged with great lust,                
"Touche! I am foiled,                                       
Your moves are well oiled,                                  
I can no longer parry your thrust."                         
                                                            
64001 SPORTS - COMBAT                Bob Giandomenico    P9511



There was a young girl with a bust                          
Which roused a French cavalier's lust.                      
She was since heard to say,                                 
About midnight, "Touche!                                    
I didn't quite parry that thrust."                          
                                                            
64002 SPORTS - COMBAT                                    G0541



The gladiators bravely cry                                  
Their, "We who are about to die..."                         
But what they don't say                                     
Is that "When ends the day,                                 
One half of us have told a lie."                            
                                                            
64003 SPORTS - COMBAT                Irving Superior     P9511



Expert marksman, famed Rogers N Clarke,                     
Took a shot at a guy in the dark,                           
Who was running away                                        
From where Clarke's young wife lay.                         
She was thankful that Clarke missed her Mark.               
                                                            
64004 SPORTS - COMBAT                Loren Fitzhugh      P0306



There was a young lady named Lottie                         
Who won a black belt in karate.                             
She met a fine youth                                        
Who had not been uncouth,                                   
But she forced the young lad to be naughty.                 
                                                            
64005 SPORTS - COMBAT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2675



There was an old lady of Crewe,                             
Who set up a home in a shoe;                                
There was such a strong pong                                
That she moved to Hong Kong,                                
And now she is doing Kung Fu.                               
                                                            
64006 SPORTS - COMBAT                Jim Weaver Collection    



A stage struck teenager named Hugh                          
Took night classes to learn some Kung Fu.                   
He said you will see,                                       
I'm a second Bruce Lee.                                     
His parents said a second Bruce Who?                        
                                                            
64007 SPORTS - COMBAT                Arthur Pattaffy          



A compulsive young marksman from Groton,                    
When he found he'd a hell of a hot un,                      
Simply triggered his sights                                 
On a pair of pink tights,                                   
And from twenty-five yards, hit them spot on.               
                                                            
64008 SPORTS - COMBAT                Hugh Oliver         A029C



There was a young woman named Plunnery                      
Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery,                    
Till one day unobservant,                                   
She blew up a servant,                                      
And was forced to retire to a nunnery.                      
                                                            
64009 SPORTS - COMBAT                Edward Gorey             



There was a young lady named Kessel,                        
Who knew how to box and to wrestle.                         
When a druggist one night                                   
Made remarks impolite,                                      
She subdued him and mortared his pestle.                    
                                                            
64010 SPORTS - COMBAT                Albin Chaplin   3024-2639



There once was a young lady sniper,                         
Whose aim time was fast as a viper.                         
When asked how she did it,                                  
She whipped out a gibbet.                                   
Beware of the once-a-month hyper.                           
                                                            
64011 SPORTS - COMBAT                Anon                     



Some people shoot -- not for meat;                          
some people hunt -- not to eat.                             
They say it's for sport,                                    
(Now the ball's in your court)                              
Please heed my plea -- Save The Skeet!                      
                                                            
64012 SPORTS - COMBAT                D Carl                   



I pine for those pigeons of clay                            
Whose short lives are blasted away                          
Into clouds of grey dust,                                   
By men with marl-lust,                                      
Who cry "Pull!" to their wives at foreplay.                 
                                                            
64013 SPORTS - COMBAT                Sansuesi                 



When I read the words that you wrote,                       
The waste of those skeet, gets my goat --                   
I took your words to heart,                                 
And am doing my part.                                       
You won't catch me in a skeet coat!                         
                                                            
64014 SPORTS - COMBAT                Kaylin                   



The nudge of a shotguns recoil,                             
Then a crash of the skeet to the soil.                      
But they just lay at your feet,                             
'Cause the skeet you can't eat,                             
They just take way too damn long to boil.                   
                                                            
64015 SPORTS - COMBAT                                         



I wonder how Ali is coping;                                 
I know all his fans are just hoping                         
It's all a big fake;                                        
A comeback he'll make.                                      
For 10 years he's been rope-a-doping.                       
                                                            
64016 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Tom Myers                



There was a young boxer two-fisted,                         
Too long in the game he persisted.                          
He received such a clout                                    
That his ass was knocked out,                               
And his turds were all warped and twisted.                  
                                                            
64017 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Albin Chaplin 3024  P8306



A pugilist name of Persimmon                                
Gave all his opponents a trimmin'.                          
But not one could compare                                   
To the way he did fare,                                     
With the trimmin' he got from his women.                    
                                                            
64018 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Albin Chaplin   3024-2746



As champ, the "Brown Bomber" so drew us,                    
Diplomatically, though, could unglue us.                    
Meeting Golda Mier,                                         
With intent not quite clear,                                
He muttered to cohorts, "Lo! Jewess."                       
                                                            
64019 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Bob Giandomenico    P9711



There once was a fighter named London                       
Who gave and took blows with abandon.                       
But a boxer named Clay                                      
Knocked him K.O. Ole!                                       
And they carried him off in a condom.                       
                                                            
64020 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING                           G2707



A boxer from Malta called Ramon                             
Used a big congcrete wall to take aim on.                   
He broke both of his arms                                   
And three lucky charms--                                    
One with his grandmothers name on.                          
                                                            
64021 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Michael Palin            



An incompetent boxer named Cox,                             
Whose noggin took numerous knocks,                          
Gave up prize-fighting for                                  
A chronometer store,                                        
Where he passes the time cleaning clocks.                   
                                                            
64022 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Jerry Nordhal       P2005



A pugilist, Punchy McClout,                                 
Took his lady friend out for a bout.                        
The clumsy old lout                                         
Left the outcome in doubt,                                  
When he ended up down but not out.                          
                                                            
64023 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Pierce Evans             



In the boxing ring, there's none grander                    
Than heavyweight champion, Evander.                         
He's very unlike                                            
One known as Iron Mike,                                     
Who likes to bite, grip, and MEANDER!                       
                                                            
64024 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Observer                 



A heavyweight boxer named Potter                            
Performed in the ring like a rotter.                        
When someone asked why,                                     
He made no reply,                                           
But gulped like a fish out of water.                        
                                                            
64025 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Margaret A. Murdock P8306



There was an ex-boxer named Bruno                           
Who's not brain of Britain, as you know.                    
But recently he                                             
Has been going loony,                                       
As all members of his old crew know.                        
                                                            
64026 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Alexander Baron          



A boxer who hailed from Paw Paw                             
Had a jutting prognathous jaw.                              
However, alas!                                              
It was constructed of glass;                                
For a fighter, a serious flaw.                              
                                                            
64027 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



In Vegas, on Saturday night,                                
Evander and Mike had a fight.                               
To enhance his career                                       
By chomping an ear,                                         
But the dust, more than ears, did he bite.                  
                                                            
64028 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       K J                      



"I can't hear the fury or sound.                            
Something's gone wrong with this round.                     
I came for the fighting                                     
But not for the biting."                                    
He said as his ear hit the ground.                          
                                                            
64029 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       K J                      



Said Evander, "The pain was severe                          
But of course, I'm still able to hear.                      
I'd preferred though, you see,                              
Mike had been like Ali.                                     
He'd have then merely talked off my ear."                   
                                                            
64030 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9708



A young black boxer, Joe Louis,                             
Who buggered a bastardly Jewess,                            
He said with a sigh                                         
As his engine went dry,                                     
"I wonder where all of my goo is."                          
                                                            
64031 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING                           L0486



A heavyweight fighter in Sidney                             
Was felled by a blow to the kidney.                         
He says, "I sure see red                                    
Whenever I pee red!                                         
That guy really loused me up, didn't he?"                   
                                                            
64032 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Don Boen            P8201



Lennox Lewis, the champion, still reigns,                   
And Tyson, his rival, now trains.                           
I like Mike's new style                                     
Bite, kick, rape, and revile,                               
And like Cassius Clay/Ali - no brains.                      
                                                            
64033 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Arthur Deex         P0203



The champion climbed into the ring,                         
His supporters all started to sing.                         
A flurry of blows,                                          
There was one broken nose.                                  
The king is dead!  Long live the king!                      
                                                            
64034 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Arthur Pattaffy          



A jab that is followed by right hook,                       
Is not fair according to my book.                           
But just to be fair,                                        
I'll leave it up there,                                     
And go take another good look.                              
                                                            
64035 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING                                



A young man whose ring name was Ace,                        
Received lots of blows to his face,                         
Which flattened his nose,                                   
And affected his toes;                                      
He couldn't keep his feet in one place.                     
                                                            
64036 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



Mike Tyson, the heavyweight cannibal,                       
That chewer of flesh like mean Hannibal.  (Lector)          
That predacious bore,                                       
That jerk carnivore,                                        
A muzzle will wear!!...Ain't he bannable?                   
                                                            
64037 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Acetous                  



About Tyson I don't need to rant any.                       
Excuses? I don't think I'll grant any.                      
I only point out                                            
That the asinine lout                                       
Share a habit with Shakespeare's Mark Anthony.              
                                                            
64038 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Stargazer           T9707



Mike Tyson is not well regarded;                            
Reputation is long since discarded.                         
His many bad scrapes                                        
Include biting and rapes;                                   
Pure and simple, the man is retarded.                       
                                                            
64039 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



Mike Tyson loved fame and fast cars,                        
And made his opponents see 'stars'.                         
But young Desire                                            
Put Big Mike away,                                          
For three years behind prison bars.                         
                                                            
64040 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Gifford Wherry           



We all know he has super-strong jaws,                       
And he flaunts civil decency laws.                          
Though he pouted and cried                                  
He was disqualified                                         
For his salient character flaws.                            
                                                            
64041 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Bill Nesbit         P0205



The booing he started to hear,                              
Made Mike Tyson tremble with fear.                          
Afraid he would lose,                                       
He decided to bruise                                        
Evander by chewing his ear.                                 
                                                            
64042 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Gifford Wherry           



There once was a boxer named Tyson,                         
Who, in love or war, wasn't a nice 'un.                     
At the Fight of the Year,                                   
He bits Holyfields ear                                      
So hard, it needs sugical splicin'.                         
                                                            
64043 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Prof M-G                 



When Tyson bit Holyfield's ear,                             
I imagine the headline seen here:                           
"MIKE TYSON FALLS                                           
FROM A BITE ON THE BALLS                                    
END BOTH BOXING AND SEXUAL CAREER!"                         
                                                            
64044 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Writerman           T9707



There was an old woman named Roper,                         
Who said, "My girl married a groper,                        
Who thought it a jape                                       
To fondle and rape.                                         
Now he's doing six years -- a no hoper."                    
(about Mike Tyson)                                          
64045 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Alexander Baron          



Mike Tyson cannot stand to lose...                          
Not the catcalls, the jeers, nor the boos...                
So he hurriedly lies...                                     
I apologize...                                              
And it's ear-biting now he eschews!                         
                                                            
64046 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Poet Lariat         T9707



Mohammed Ali was a star.                                    
His boxing skills brought him quite far.                    
But he went to jail,                                        
Nor did he get bail,                                        
Because he would not go to war.                             
                                                            
64047 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Nick                     



Mohammed Ali had a punch;                                   
He could spar from his breakfast to lunch.                  
A real heavy blow                                           
Could produce a K.O.;                                       
That punch before lunch was a crunch!                       
                                                            
64048 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Arthur Pattaffy          



A light heavyweight known as Hooser,                        
Still aches from his loss to a bruiser.                     
He hurts everywhere,                                        
But people don't care,                                      
'Cause nobody likes a sore loser.                           
                                                            
64049 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Margaret A. Murdock P8305



There was a prize fighter named Lynn                        
Who was scarred for life on his chin.                       
Though the surgeon was plastic,                             
His hand was quite spastic,                                 
Leaving Lynn with a lop-sided grin.                         
                                                            
64050 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Edwin J Weinstein        



Rocky Balboa, that aging old wreck,                         
Won the bout when his foe broke his neck,                   
And cracked open his crown                                  
When he slipped and fell down,                              
After Rocky had peed on the deck.                           
                                                            
64051 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       William N Nesbit    P0800



Poor Rocky walks round in a trance,                         
Though he knows it's Sylvester's last chance.               
When they holler, "Action."                                 
To get satisfaction,                                        
He proceeds to pee in his pants.                            
                                                            
64052 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Tom Patton          P0800



A lover of humor named Biddle                               
Laughed hard and said, "Here's a cute riddle:               
What's black and what's blue                                
And sissified, too?                                         
A boxer who sits down to piddle."                           
                                                            
64053 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Armand E Singer       458



My all-time favorite MEGILLAH                               
Was the well-publicized "thrilla"                           
'Tween Frazier and Ali,                                     
A great fight, by golly,                                    
In overseas place called Manila.                            
                                                            
64054 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Observer                 



The Vegas testosterone romp,                                
Saw his rival recrowned without pomp.                       
Tyson bit off Ev's ear,                                     
(Claims he 'lost it', poor dear)                            
And he's gone from The Champ to The Chomp.                  
                                                            
64055 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       CB                  T9707



There once was a boxer named Tyson,                         
Who when fighting, was not a nice 'un.                      
At the fight of the year,                                   
He bit Holyfield's ear                                      
So hard, it needed surgical splicin'.                       
                                                            
64056 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       John Miller              



The first match has been planned                            
Between Mike Tyson and Evand-                               
Er Holyfield. I'm afraid                                    
His tongue will be frayed                                   
And Mike will again be banned.                              
                                                            
64057 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING                                



PUGILISM I thought a male thing,                            
But with Tanya, et al, in the ring,                         
It's sport for coeds.                                       
Both genders bash heads.                                    
See the mush-brained, cute babe, ding-a-ling.               
                                                            
64058 SPORTS - COMBAT - BOXING       Elois                    



"The Bear" had a terrible hold;                             
Opponents ne'er broke, so we're told.                       
'Twas known as the pretz                                    
And even old vets                                           
Succumbed, as in knots they were rolled.                    
                                                            
64059 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    H Welchel                



A young wrestling fool called Sir Cling                     
Faced off with The Bear in the ring.                        
Cling's soon in the pretz --                                
The ref counting, bets                                      
That Cling had a very brief fling.                          
                                                            
64060 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    H Welchel                



Cling's manager throws in the towel                         
And turns his back, giving a scowl.                         
But then the crowd shouts!                                  
He turns back about --                                      
Young Cling's won the bout!  And no foul!                   
                                                            
64061 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    H Welchel                



What happened?" he says, reaching Cling,                    
"I thought you were doomed in that ring."                   
"I thought I was too,                                       
All twisted askew,                                          
And couldn't move shit!  Not a thing!                       
                                                            
64062 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    H Welchel                



The ref was approaching count three;                        
I looked up, and what did I see,                            
But two nuts of size,                                       
One inch from my eyes.                                      
I bit one, and then I was free!                             
                                                            
64063 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    H Welchel                



I pinned that old Bear in a sprawl,                         
And held him, till I got the call.                          
I didn't know how strong                                    
I was all along,                                            
Till biting myself on the ball!                             
                                                            
64064 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    H Welchel                



Greco-Roman jock, J F McWind,                               
Had been taught well by old Father Lynde,                   
That "When flat on the mat,                                 
The time's right for this chat:                             
'Bless me Father, for I have been pinned.'"                 
                                                            
64065 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



Two wrestlers, grunting and groaning a lot,                 
Found themselves in a real awkward spot.                    
With muscles all flexed,                                    
They were feeling quite vexed                               
'Cause they're tied in a very tight knot!                   
                                                            
64066 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Arthur Pattaffy          



A member of an overweight clan                              
Said, "If things go according to plan,                      
I'll avoid a hassle                                         
If I sumo rassle;                                           
A job perfect for a real fat man."                          
                                                            
64067 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Tom Patton          P0203



In Japan a man named Tim                                    
Was arrested for approaching the rim                        
Of a sumo ring,                                             
Where he started to sing                                    
Oh how wonderful it is to be thin.                          
                                                            
64068 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Elin Melchior            



You're old, Father Ogg, you are old;                        
Your brain cells are shrunken and cold.                     
It's all due to drink;                                      
I bet you still think                                       
Willie Nelson's a slick wrestling hold.                     
                                                            
64069 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Tiddy Ogg                



A young homo grappler named Galt                            
Lost more than one fight by default.                        
When wrestling with men,                                    
He'd feel a strong yen                                      
To opt for an anal assault.                                 
                                                            
64070 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Armand E Singer       428



There was a young wrestler named Castle                     
Who practiced a new way to rassle.                          
As he tried a new twist,                                    
He slipped with his wrist                                   
And was found with his head up his asshole.                 
                                                            
64071 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Albin Chaplin   3024-1985



A musical wrestler named Binks                              
Would knot all his rivals in kinks.                         
As he played his accordian,                                 
Someone slipped him a Gordian,                              
So he stands on one hand and he stinks.                     
                                                            
64072 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Albin Chaplin   3024-2449



This wrestler, a pro named of Skaggs,                       
Was queer as a passel of fags;                              
A simple crotch hold                                        
Would make him so bold,                                     
It ripped his discretion to rags.                           
                                                            
64073 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Armand E Singer       984



Said Ventura's main rival in bulk:                          
"Fans, believe me, I ain't one to sulk,                     
But forget Minnisota.                                       
Get out there and vote a                                    
New President, Hogan the Hulk.                              
                                                            
64074 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Prof M-G                 



Can Jesse "The Body" Ventura                                
Now govern his terra obscura?                               
Opponents may find                                          
He's but half Nelson's mind,                                
But a whole lot of wrestling bravura!                       
                                                            
64075 SPORTS - COMBAT - WRESTLING    Prof M-G                 



In Australia, now that it's Spring,                         
All the wombats are having a fling.                         
For the season dictates                                     
That it's time to find mates;                               
Even Archie is waving his thing.                            
                                                            
64076 SPORTS - CRICKET               Peter Wilkins            



Well what are you waving it at?                             
I see, it's your cricketing bat                             
That you wield. Do you dream                                
Your Australian team                                        
Can beat England by batting like that?                      
                                                            
64077 SPORTS - CRICKET               Peter Wilkins            



For Archie, me mate, I assure                               
You, this year we'll be wiping the floor                    
With you; thrashing your balls                              
To the gallery stalls,                                      
Till we win back the Ashes once more.                       
                                                            
64078 SPORTS - CRICKET               Peter Wilkins            



On village greens, Englishmen play                          
A game that is strange in its way.                          
Balls are hurled at a bat,                                  
Players do this and that,                                   
But we don't know why, nor do they.                         
                                                            
64079 SPORTS - CRICKET               Warrick Elrod            



Now cricket's a game Britons play                           
In rather a quite languid way.                              
Players bat and they throw.                                 
Then they run to and fro,                                   
What it means we don't know, nor do they.                   
                                                            
64080 SPORTS - CRICKET               Warrick Elrod            



A batsman from Sydney called Fairlie                        
Hit a very fast ball, good and squarely.                    
A fielder called Rieth                                      
Caught the ball in his teeth,                               
A thing that he did very rarely.                            
                                                            
64081 SPORTS - CRICKET               Michael Palin            



There was a blind batsman called Rich,                      
Who was batting by ear, during which                        
He was bowled, when a flyer                                 
Whistled two octaves higher,                                
And he couldn't quite get to the pitch.                     
                                                            
64082 SPORTS - CRICKET               Friar              TP9804



A backcatcher who hailed from Peru,                         
Told me one day what he'd do.                               
When they'd come up to bat,                                 
He'd say, "Yo momma so fat,                                 
Her blood type is known as Ragu!"                           
                                                            
64083 SPORTS - CRICKET               Spencer                  



English Cricket is currently such,                          
It really wouldn't be much                                  
When a year is up,                                          
And comes the World Cup,                                    
They could even lose to the Dutch.                          
                                                            
64084 SPORTS - CRICKET                                        



This talk of our Queen is pure treason,                     
Which is just one very good reason                          
That you are all there,                                     
Whilst we are still here,                                   
And we'll beat you in cricket next season.                  
                                                            
64085 SPORTS - CRICKET               Bob Mornington           



You are so bloody misinformed;                              
The monarchy has always performed.                          
But all your cricketers                                     
Play with their dicketers,                                  
And now they are totally malformed.                         
                                                            
64086 SPORTS - CRICKET               Archie                   



A Sussex fast bowler named Lyle                             
Took a run-up of nearly a mile.                             
In one Gillette Cup                                         
He never turned up --                                       
And was last seen just south of the Nile.                   
                                                            
64087 SPORTS - CRICKET               Michael Palin            



A research biochemist from Goring                           
Found cricketeers rather alluring.                          
She'd turn up for a match                                   
And hope for a catch,                                       
Or something a bit more enduring.                           
                                                            
64088 SPORTS - CRICKET               Michael Palin            



There was a young Cricketer from Perth,                     
Who couldn't contain his sweet mirth.                       
With batting like this,                                     
The England team wish,                                      
They'd stayed in the land of their birth.                   
                                                            
64089 SPORTS - CRICKET                                        



When people try googlies on Sandham,                        
You can see he will soon understand em.                     
With a laugh at their slows,                                
He will murmur "Here goes,"                                 
And over the railings will land 'em.                        
                                                            
64090 SPORTS - CRICKET               E C HOLT          (Bibby)



I spent years at Silly Mid Off;                             
One day when I had my box off,                              
A baseman hit out,                                          
Gave my ballocks a clout --                                 
It still gives me pain when I cough.                        
                                                            
64091 SPORTS - CRICKET               Archie                   



The village green, the weather holds fair;                  
The last man's in at the crease -- pats his hair.           
The fast bowler ran long;                                   
The stroke went all wrong;                                  
Out first ball, second time, for "a pair".                  
                                                            
64092 SPORTS - CRICKET               Arthur Pattaffy          



On the green field of play he did stand                     
With a hard cricket ball in each hand,                      
Which he fondly caressed,                                   
For the man was obsessed                                    
With the largest cricket bat in the land.                   
                                                            
64093 SPORTS - CRICKET               Mike Dale                



A famed big-hitter in cricket                               
Slammed his on-drive into a thicket,                        
Where girls tanned in the nude.                             
And no gent would intrude,                                  
But long-on was on a good wicket.                           
                                                            
64094 SPORTS - CRICKET               Douglas Catley           



There was an old man of Bengal,                             
Who purchased a bat and a ball,                             
Some gloves and some pads;                                  
It was one of his fads,                                     
For he never played cricket at all.                         
                                                            
64095 SPORTS - CRICKET               Thomas A. Guthrie        



I wish I had bought a darn ticket                           
To have watched tonights match of cricket.                  
'Cause Zulu was firing                                      
And I was admiring,                                         
Until the Windies took his wicket.                          
                                                            
64096 SPORTS - CRICKET                                        



We already know about cricket.                              
It's something with bats and a wicket --                    
The wicket's small size                                     
Means that the bat-guys                                     
Are careful wherever they stick it.                         
                                                            
64097 SPORTS - CRICKET                                        



The new cricket season's begun.                             
I bowled like a fool and got none.                          
But I batted a while,                                       
Gave the bowlers a smile,                                   
But out having scored just nine run!                        
                                                            
64098 SPORTS - CRICKET               Archie                   



At cricket he was number one                                
And often he scored a big ton                               
A true gentleman                                            
He's had his lifespan                                       
So join me now, "Vale, Sir Don"                             
                                                            
64099 SPORTS - CRICKET                                        



I played once a fine game of cricket;                       
Came out with my gear, found a ticket.                      
I said with a hiss                                          
To the warden: "Hey this                                    
Ain't cricket, this wicket, please stick it."               
                                                            
64100 SPORTS - CRICKET                                        



An onanist by name of Pickett,                              
Strokes himself while playing cricket.                      
He squirts on the bails;                                    
It just never fails;                                        
With Pickett, it's sticky, that wicket!                     
                                                            
64101 SPORTS - CRICKET               Tutta                    



A lay in the woods she thought quaint,                      
Until sticks and rocks brought a complaint.                 
She emerged from the thicket                                
And moaned, "It ain't cricket,"                             
And he smirked, "That's right... it sure AIN'T!"            
                                                            
64102 SPORTS - CRICKET               Grand Prix Lim  618      



There once was a skipper named 'Plum',                      
Whose team made the prophets all glum;                      
"It's bad through and through,"                             
They declared, "It won't do."                               
But today all the prophets are dumb.                        
(cricketers won Australian Test Match)                      
64103 SPORTS - CRICKET               Punch 1904        (Bibby)



Wanna get fit?  Just go to John's Gym.                      
The place where you get very trim.                          
The aerobics are fine,                                      
So is pumping some iron.                                    
No matter if you're a her or a him.                         
                                                            
64104 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Larry Brash              



An aerobics instructor called Sue                           
Told her large ladies' class what to do.                    
Arms up high in the air,                                    
Legs stretched out here and there.                          
The large crowd soon became very few!                       
                                                            
64105 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Arthur Pattaffy          



Is your figure somewhat chubby?                             
Do all your friends call you tubby?                         
Come down to the gym,                                       
We won't make you slim,                                     
We'll just make you sweaty and grubby.                      
                                                            
64106 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Up a step; down a step; twirl.                              
(Well I thought I might give it a whirl.)                   
This aerobics is fun                                        
And in case you are won-                                    
dering, look over there at that girl.                       
                                                            
64107 SPORTS - EXERCISE                                       



The instructor; oh my, ain't she sweet;                     
How I love when she shouts at me, "Pete,                    
You're a miserable wretch;                                  
Didn't I tell you to stretch                                
Without bending when touching your feet."                   
                                                            
64108 SPORTS - EXERCISE                                       



Don't care if I'm taking a chance                           
On an injury; nor as I prance                               
That I look fucking silly,                                  
I love that young filly;                                    
I wanna get into her pants.                                 
                                                            
64109 SPORTS - EXERCISE                                       



Don't speak to joggers 'bout sex;                           
Their hormones have dried to mere specks;                   
They stare straight ahead                                   
Just like the livin' dead,                                  
Waste of time to breathe on their necks!                    
                                                            
64110 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Anon                     



One lady jogger's dog Mack,                                 
Such compulsion he surely did lack;                         
In the shade of a bush                                      
He would sit on his tush,                                   
And wait 'till his mistress got back!                       
                                                            
64111 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Anon                     



The joggers grimly plod 'till they crash;                   
Mutter "So healthy!" and then they gnash                    
Their teeth once again,                                     
And groan with new pain,                                    
Tendonitis and Spandex-crotch rash!                         
                                                            
64112 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Anon                     



When I go for a walk in the sun,                            
I can assure you it's not always fun.                       
As the faster I move,                                       
It is easy to prove                                         
That perspiration, like rivers, can run.                    
                                                            
64113 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Arthur Pattaffy          



John's Gym is a scuzzy old place;                           
You'd ne'er want to show them your face;                    
'Cause once you have started,                               
Can't quit till you've farted,                              
Or left a large turd in it's place                          
                                                            
64114 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



This girl at gymnastics, I've seen--                        
To fuck her, I thought would be keen.                       
On my beam she did dance,                                   
Said, "You're taking a chance..."                           
And made me her own floor routine!                          
                                                            
64115 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Limberick                



There was a young gymnast named Hope,                       
Who spent lots of time up a rope.                           
On bars, floor, or vault,                                   
She had never a fault;                                      
In competition she'd plenty of scope!                       
                                                            
64116 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Arthur Pattaffy          



A blind girl with a seeing-eye dog                          
Always took the dog out for her jog.                        
It was love at first sight.                                 
No!  That wouldn't be right,                                
Would be more like the princess and frog!                   
                                                            
64117 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Arthur Pattaffy          



Whether in Jim's john or at John's Gym,                     
Take stock about what shape you're in.                      
If you leave dents                                          
In dry cements,                                             
Chances are you're far from slim.                           
                                                            
64118 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Gearhart                 



Amanda professes a liking                                   
For saddleless exercise biking,                             
To keep her in trim,                                        
While exciting her quim                                     
With a wantonly furious spiking.                            
                                                            
64119 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Peter Wilkins            



If you're tired of looking "over" your ab,                  
And want to be rid of that flab,                            
Have no muscles to flex                                     
And ashamed of your pecs,                                   
Time for John's Gym to start your rehab.                    
                                                            
64120 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Saint                    



Your legs must be tired, though they're strong;             
They've worked hard today, I'm not wrong.                   
I suddenly find                                             
It is through my mind,                                      
You've been running, all the day long.                      
                                                            
64121 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Archie                   



Each morning I get up and perk                              
A large pot of coffee and work                              
Out lower and upper,                                        
Then just before supper,                                    
For exercise, I squat and jerk.                             
                                                            
64122 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Travis Brasell           



There was a young chappy named Coyle,                       
Who always bathed in pure olive oil.                        
If he went in the sun,                                      
His face looked like a bun,                                 
As his perspiration came up to the boil.                    
                                                            
64123 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Arthur Pattaffy          



Are you a disgusting fat slob?                              
A couch potato and obese blob?                              
Then come to John's Gym,                                    
And step right on in,                                       
And become one of the super-fit mob.                        
                                                            
64124 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Larry Brash              



Tai Chi? Not for me! Please don't ever                      
Try to stretch me or pose me. I'll never                    
Believe those Chinese                                       
Who say, "It's a Breeze!"                                   
'Cause my body is just not that clever!                     
                                                            
64125 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Ystap              TP9802



Don't exercise; please hear my pleas;                       
You'll find all your joints start to seize.                 
If the good Lord had chose                                  
That mankind touch their toes,                              
He'd have put the damn things on your knees.                
                                                            
64126 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Tiddy Ogg                



Too late for me, this exercise,                             
Besides I have gigantic thighs.                             
What I must not strain                                      
Is my tired old brain.                                      
I sit, thinking little, with sighs.                         
                                                            
64127 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Tony Burrell             



Well, I tried a trampoline once                             
And pulled off a couple of stunts.                          
Nearby were some girls                                      
Who were showing their curls,                               
So I pole-vaulted into their cunts.                         
                                                            
64128 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Peter Wilkins            



Guys, come and join John's gym classes                      
Just to watch the gals' nice asses.                         
Their bouncing tits                                         
Will thrill you to bits,                                    
And of good fucks, we have got masses.                      
                                                            
64129 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Larry Brash              



There once was a girl named Janell,                         
Who never could lift a barbell.                             
Although she was weak,                                      
Muscle she did seek,                                        
But the weight was so heavy, she fell.                      
                                                            
64130 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a weight-lifting stud named McGurk:                    
"I prefer, in my muscle-tone work,                          
To get satisfaction                                         
From muscling the action                                    
With a snatch, as compared with a jerk."                    
                                                            
64131 SPORTS - EXERCISE                                       



With muscles all rippling and flexing,                      
The weightlifter found it perplexing.                       
He had strengthened his cock                                
By the lifting of rock,                                     
But it made it quite useless for sexing.                    
                                                            
64132 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Albin Chaplin   3024-0446



St Rainer was a hermit quite strong;                        
He'd won an Olympic gold gong.                              
But he gave up his sport                                    
When while lifting, caught short,                           
He passed what the judges thought wrong.                    
                                                            
64133 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Archie                   



Too much figure is causing your stress,                     
And you can't fit in your favorite dress?                   
Your hips are too round                                     
But your body is sound?                                     
John's gym will work off that excess.                       
                                                            
64134 SPORTS - EXERCISE              Saint                    



Four weeks the ground moved and did shake,                  
Till one day a mess it did make.                            
Things bounced off his head;                                
Was almost near dead;                                       
Then fishing was born by the lake.                          
                                                            
64135 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



Ice fishing is not for me, lass.                            
When I want some pickeral or bass,                          
I wait until Spring                                         
And catch everything                                        
Without risking feezing my ass.                             
                                                            
64136 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



A wee willie is good for one thing;                         
Use for bait when you're fishing this spring;               
Susquehanna's the site,                                     
Where the big fishies bite;                                 
And a brand new soprano will sing!                          
                                                            
64137 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



When rain falls all week on the plateaux,                   
We fish out our waders and bateaux,                         
And find us a spot                                          
For a picnic of hot                                         
Buttered crumpets and soggy wet gateaux.                    
                                                            
64138 SPORTS - FISHING               Peter Wilkins            



I know you will think I'm a sinner                          
When I say that I caught me a winner.                       
That fish was so large,                                     
I needed a barge                                            
To haul it back home for my dinner.                         
                                                            
64139 SPORTS - FISHING               Travis Brasell           



There was a young man of Barnes Bay                         
Who went fishing one sunshiny day.                          
He caught one small mullet                                  
Which he slipped in his wallet.                             
"The big ones," he said, "got away."                        
                                                            
64140 SPORTS - FISHING               John Blyth               



Said the Newfie, undoing his coat,                          
"Watching TV at home gets my vote;                          
'Cause although it's quite nice                             
When you fish through the ice,                              
You need such a big hole for the boat."                     
                                                            
64141 SPORTS - FISHING               Hugh Oliver           22a



My fantasy I finally did tell;                              
He said that he had one as well --                          
But his secret wish                                         
Was that I'd learn to fish --                               
So I guess that we're both S.O.L.!                          
                                                            
64142 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



One sport does he truly relish;                             
My hubby lives only to fish.                                
He spends all his time                                      
With boat, bait, and line;                                  
To be buried at sea is his wish.                            
                                                            
64143 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



As a grouper, men are quite slow                            
At understanding women, you know.                           
Always casting about                                        
With their cod-piece for trout,                             
And begging and whining for a blow....(fish)                
                                                            
64144 SPORTS - FISHING               Ericka                   



Perch-ance on salmon-chanted day,                           
A romantic sturgeon will say:                               
"Calamari me, dear,                                         
And we'll swim from here                                    
To our honeymoon in Manta Ray.                              
                                                            
64145 SPORTS - FISHING               Ericka                   



We fished off the pier at Gulf Shores                       
And caught some strange things by the scores;               
I caught some crabs                                         
With little white scabs;                                    
By brother, though, caught him two whores.                  
                                                            
64146 SPORTS - FISHING               Travis Brasell           



He asked me to go fishing with him,                         
Long ago, when I was young and dim.                         
It was dirty and smelly,                                    
No radio or telly,                                          
The experience was totally grim.                            
                                                            
64147 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



At home is where I should've stayed --                      
It was a hundred and six in the shade;                      
I got burned from the sun;                                  
Gee, isn't this fun!                                        
And I got seasick, I'm afraid.                              
                                                            
64148 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



But that wasn't the worst, nosiree --                       
I found there was no place to pee --                        
He hung over the side,                                      
But the first time I tried,                                 
I wound up in the deep blue sea!                            
                                                            
64149 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



No, fishing's not my cup of tea --                          
I go shopping, or a movie I see;                            
I swore long ago                                            
Never again would I go.                                     
Now hubby goes fishing sans me!                             
                                                            
64150 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



A large Chinook swam upstream;                              
When I saw him I thought him supreme.                       
I tried my net custom-made,                                 
But he managed to evade;                                    
Then I woke, it was only a dream                            
                                                            
64151 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



Very annoyed did he feel,                                   
When he came home and opened his creel.                     
He'd not got a brag in                                      
When she started nagging,                                   
So he slaps her around with an eel.                         
                                                            
64152 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



The judge says, "Young man, you're a heel,                  
And with you I'll solemnly deal.                            
You've stepped out of line,                                 
And you'll get a big fine,                                  
For cruelty to a live eel."                                 
                                                            
64153 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



A Swedish man was arrested;                                 
He'd beaten his wife, 'twas attested.                       
The time of commission                                      
Was after a fishin'                                         
Trip, when his wife was molested.                           
                                                            
64154 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



The perils of weather, springtime,                          
Are caught in Chris' story prime.                           
Oft told at the lake                                        
Or other clambake,                                          
With cigars and old scotch sublime.                         
                                                            
64155 SPORTS - FISHING               Daniel Ford              



Reminds me of tale that is true,                            
Concannon and I up and flew                                 
To Denver we'd flip,                                        
On a business trip,                                         
Then throw in a fish line or two.                           
                                                            
64156 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



Dennis had promised to take                                 
Me, to special trout filled small lake,                     
High up in the air,                                         
With scenery rare,                                          
Said we'd catch some trout in a shake.                      
                                                            
64157 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



'Twas on the last weekend in May,                           
At home, nice Memorial Day,                                 
At Lake, not so nice,                                       
Three feet snow, and ice,                                   
We hiked in to where we would stay.                         
                                                            
64158 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



Our feet cold from fording small streams,                   
The lake campsite beckoned my dreams,                       
Of sleeping bag nice,                                       
Relief from the ice,                                        
Snug in a tent's canvas beams.                              
                                                            
64159 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



Poor Dennis, then taken aback,                              
This most vital piece we did lack,                          
There stuck with the fact,                                  
Some thief did extract,                                     
From our meager camp baggage stack.                         
                                                            
64160 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



Dead tired and now wet and cold,                            
It wasnt' an idea so bold,                                  
We'd stay there the night,                                  
In hopes that we might,                                     
Enjoy the next day's bright hold.                           
                                                            
64161 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



The sleeping bag that I had brought,                        
Was summerweight, who would have thought                    
That there would be ice,                                    
Memorial day, nice,                                         
So through the night, freezing I fought.                    
                                                            
64162 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



I shivered and shook the night long,                        
Thought that it would be my "Swan Song",                    
'Cept daylight's pink glow,                                 
And warmth that would grow,                                 
Showed that I was stupid, yet strong.                       
                                                            
64163 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



We struggled through the icy shore,                         
Feet freezing, cold, damp and sore,                         
Some lures we threw out,                                    
And despite my doubt,                                       
Found very good fishing in store.                           
                                                            
64164 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



Decamping with half dozen trout,                            
Met boozers there on our way out.                           
All loaded with beer,                                       
Not nice to be near,                                        
It was a good move, without doubt.                          
                                                            
64165 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



No sooner we hit the trail head,                            
Were struck with a thunderstorm dread.                      
Wet with dirt and grime,                                    
We'd made it in time,                                       
And felt in real need of a bed.                             
                                                            
64166 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



We stopped at the Rural Motel,                              
I guessed we both looked quite like hell,                   
Like silence of tombs,                                      
Were told, "Ain't no rooms."                                
Our hopes and our long faces fell.                          
                                                            
64167 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



Lady owner relented in haste,                               
Assured her our motives were chaste,                        
As rooming we shared,                                       
Wood pile we cared,                                         
And thought of some food for the waist.                     
                                                            
64168 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



On seeing our fine string of trout,                         
The welcome mat really rolled out.                          
And soon we would dine,                                     
On sauteed trout fine.                                      
A meal that was worth praise and shout.                     
                                                            
64169 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



That night was the sleep of the dead,                       
With downy sweet warmth of soft bed,                        
Large breakfast delight,                                    
Remarkable sight,                                           
Hummingbirds there to be fed.                               
                                                            
64170 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



The best of travails, you see,                              
Is that with a description free,                            
For years I've retold,                                      
This true story bold,                                       
Called, "How Dennis tried to kill me!"                      
                                                            
64171 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



Rapala, Garcia, Shakespeare --                              
He's got all the best brands of gear,                       
But I told him, "Sweetheart,                                
The fish aren't that smart --                               
They can't read the brand names, my dear!"                  
                                                            
64172 SPORTS - FISHING               Kaylin                   



A patient old angler named Nate                             
Had never had so long a wait.                               
But what Nate didn't know                                   
Was that hours ago                                          
The fish, from his hook, stole the bait.                    
                                                            
64173 SPORTS - FISHING               Warrick Elrod            



A fisherman name of McNish                                  
Could not catch the fish he did wish.                       
He was told he should not                                   
Simply fish in one spot;                                    
There was plenty of sea where to fish.                      
                                                            
64174 SPORTS - FISHING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2700



A fisherman fishing at Mayfair,                             
Hauled out a crab who said, "Hey there!"                    
Some things, it would seem,                                 
Are removed from the stream,                                
That would have been better to stay there.                  
                                                            
64175 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



When men tell their wives they've gone fishin',             
They're oft on a different mission.                         
To their partners they say,                                 
"There's less risk that way,                                
And it's part of the oral tradition."                       
                                                            
64176 SPORTS - FISHING               Scandalous Limerix       



I'm classed as an expert logician.                          
I know physics and also cognition.                          
I think quite a lot,                                        
But it means diddly-squat.                                  
When push comes to shove, I go fishin'.                     
                                                            
64177 SPORTS - FISHING               Al Willis                



There was a man in Michigan,                                
Who used to wish and wish again,                            
For Spring to come                                          
So he could bum                                             
And go away and fish again.                                 
                                                            
64178 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was an angler from Bunker                        
Who thought that he'd go catch a lunker.                    
He got an old boat                                          
And set it afloat,                                          
But he hit a big rock and he sunk her.                      
                                                            
64179 SPORTS - FISHING               Melda Lashley       P9302



There once was a woman named Flapper,                       
Went fishing on islands named Dapper;                       
With five horny guys,                                       
Who had pricks like their thighs,                           
She returned with a single red snapper.                     
                                                            
64180 SPORTS - FISHING               Umpty Scratch      TP9804



My guide sent this note of regret:                          
"Are we going fishing?  You bet!                            
But all of this rain                                        
Has caused some disdain;                                    
Be prepared for the fish to be wet!"                        
                                                            
64181 SPORTS - FISHING               Travis Brasell           



I once knew a lad who loved fishing.                        
At school he would sit there just wishing                   
To be out with his line;                                    
To forget about time.                                       
What angling hours he'd be missing.                         
                                                            
64182 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



One day he thought he would wander                          
To find a new stream way out yonder.                        
Some bait he did dig;                                       
Then he picked up his rig.                                  
With his dog, the day he would squander.                    
                                                            
64183 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



Down the trail, to the train tracks, he ambled.             
There below, amongst bush, shrub, and bramble,              
Lay a bubbling brook.                                       
With excitement he shook,                                   
As his rod, line and hook he unscrambled.                   
                                                            
64184 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



So the lad sat down perched on the trestle,                 
His mind on the fish he would wrestle.                      
With the line in the brook,                                 
The worm on the hook,                                       
He was deaf to the piercing train's whistle.                
                                                            
64185 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



The dog from a dead sleep did jump,                         
When the freight train hit him with a thump.                
The boy it did graze,                                       
Leaving him in a daze,                                      
With hardly a scratch or a bump.                            
                                                            
64186 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



With a screech, the train came to a stop;                   
From the engine the driver did hop.                         
His heart in his throat,                                    
He managed to croak,                                        
"Didn't see you, up there on the top.                       
                                                            
64187 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



The lad got all red in the face;                            
With outrage, back and forth, he did pace.                  
He spewed out his rage                                      
Like a bear in a cage,                                      
On the train for disturbing the peace.                      
                                                            
64188 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



How dare you give us such a fright!                         
The fish were just starting to bite.                        
My dog you did wake;                                        
Just look at him shake.                                     
With your train, you just hit us for spite.                 
                                                            
64189 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



He ran down the path in a temper;                           
The dog, quick for home now did scamper.                    
The lad's fun was gone                                      
So he headed for home.                                      
The mishap on his mood put a damper.                        
                                                            
64190 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



The moral of the story is this:                             
If one day you decide you will fish,                        
Don't be like this lad,                                     
Ending up blazing mad.                                      
'Cause he couldn't just fish where he wished.               
                                                            
64191 SPORTS - FISHING               Helen Dowd               



Mindless Nimrods prove one thing for sure                   
If their careless acts they won't abjure,                   
As when fishing with flies,                                 
They hook hands, clothing, thighs.                          
They'll cause angling to lose its allure.                   
                                                            
64192 SPORTS - FISHING               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9710



That fisherman met a sad fate,                              
That I have had thousands,to date.                          
It wasn't that he                                           
Had to go take a pee;                                       
He needed to go master bait.                                
                                                            
64193 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



An ice fisherman fell in a rut                              
Saying, "I'd give this up but then what                     
Could I do half as nice                                     
Than hook Plaice through the ice.                           
Which I do just for the Halibut.                            
                                                            
64194 SPORTS - FISHING               Loren C Fitzhugh    P9803



I fish in the deep blue sea;                                
It sure-as-hell is not free.                                
Boat, gas and bait,                                         
Line, reel and weight;                                      
The jerk on the line is me.                                 
                                                            
64195 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



Two anglers, some trout were chasing,                       
In a lake, when a policeman came pacing.                    
"Hey, you can't fish here!"                                 
"Us fishing? No fear."                                      
Said the men. "We're just maggot racing."                   
                                                            
64196 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



Two anglers, some trout were a-chasing,                     
In a lake, when a policeman came pacing.                    
"Hey, you can't fish here!"                                 
"Us fishing?  No fear."                                     
Said the men, "We're just maggot racing."                   
                                                            
64197 SPORTS - FISHING               Tiddy Ogg                



I've never fly-cast near a REDD,                            
Or on steelhead trout ever fed.                             
But bass of all sort                                        
Are my fishing sport,                                       
With bait or plug casting instead.                          
                                                            
64198 SPORTS - FISHING               Chris Papa               



The new fisherman sat on the bank;                          
By his side was a waterfilled tank.                         
What he took from the lake,                                 
A fish pie would not make.                                  
His hopes for this new hobby sank.                          
                                                            
64199 SPORTS - FISHING               Arthur Pattaffy          



My fishing trip rated as 'grand,'                           
I'm glad, though, to be back on land;                       
I've stored all my gear,                                    
Except one thing dear:                                      
I still have my pole here in hand.                          
                                                            
64200 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



I've tied down the sails, stashed the oars,                 
And hauled home the fish by the scores;                     
With all that now done                                      
It's time to have fun                                       
With all of you limerick whores.                            
                                                            
64201 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



I tried on a pair of new Wranglers,                         
So tight that they damaged my danglers;                     
They dropped in a stream                                    
And got gobbled by bream,                                   
Which annoyed all the regular anglers.                      
                                                            
64202 SPORTS - FISHING               Peter Wilkins            



If you need to catch fish, be forethoughter,                
And figure out what you should orter.                       
I feel free to opine                                        
That you jerk on the line,                                  
But first put the line in the water!                        
                                                            
64203 SPORTS - FISHING               Al Willis                



A trout breaks the surface for flies                        
Or deep on the lake bottom lies.                            
But Canadian fish                                           
Have no choicce what they wish --                           
When the mercury rises they rise.                           
                                                            
64204 SPORTS - FISHING               Hugh Oliver          118d



Invited to fish at Cape Cod,                                
I packed my fine, sturdy, long rod                          
Inside of young Heather,                                    
Who wore crotchless leather                                 
That covered one helluva bod!                               
                                                            
64205 SPORTS - FISHING               Travis Brasell           



In the Northwest were once great steelhead,                 
Where once over rainbows they sped.                         
In Spring and Fall dawn,                                    
They'd return to spawn                                      
In some creek or river's rocky REDD.                        
                                                            
64206 SPORTS - FISHING               Daniel Ford              



Fishing on the Chesapeake Bay,                              
'Cause stripers are running, hooray!                        
One, almost a meter,                                        
(As long as my peter),                                      
I caught, but this one got away.                            
                                                            
64207 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



If he buys any more fishing stuff,                          
He may get his wish, sure enough!                           
He needs more fishing poles                                 
Like his head needs more holes --                           
I think fifty-eight is ENOUGH!                              
                                                            
64208 SPORTS - FISHING               Jim Weaver Collection    



When one tries to describe Canal Flats,                     
There is no use resorting to stats.                         
It's not fashion or chic                                    
Makes the locals unique,                                    
It's the trout flies they wear in their hats.               
                                                            
64209 SPORTS - FISHING               John E Mayhood      P0010



A young Scottish sailor named Menzies,                      
Enjoyed himself sailing in dingys,                          
To see what he'd get                                        
With the aid of a net,                                      
Like shrimps and other nice thingys.                        
                                                            
64210 SPORTS - FISHING               Gerald Bosacker (?)      



There once was a young lad from Ryde,                       
Whose girlfriend took him for a ride.                       
For while he was out,                                       
Fishing for some trout;                                     
The neighbour was spanking her hide.                        
                                                            
64211 SPORTS - FISHING                                        



In Morocco the weather's just right;                        
Breeze blowing, the sun shining bright.                     
For Branson again                                           
To prove he's insane,                                       
Attempting his round-the-world flight.                      
(he is a balloonist 1998)                                   
64212 SPORTS - FLYING                Tiddy Ogg                



When Timothy wanted to fly                                  
He stood on a hilltop to try.                               
But he very soon found                                      
That you can't leave the ground                             
Just by flapping your ears in the sky.                      
                                                            
64213 SPORTS - FLYING                Funfax Limericks         



A huge brightly-colored balloon                             
Soared aloft, one would think, for the moon.                
To the passengers fright,                                   
The gas failed to light,                                    
And the costly trip ended too soon.                         
                                                            
64214 SPORTS - FLYING                Frank Spectra            



Now they sip at the end of the flight,                      
Some champagne, the balloonists' delight.                   
But that little band                                        
Was so happy to land,                                       
They'd be glad to swig cola that night.                     
                                                            
64215 SPORTS - FLYING                Frank Spectra            



There once was a glider, Advanced,                          
Who's antics resembled a dance.                             
While not quite divergent,                                  
The trim was convergent,                                    
Somewhere near the seat-of-the-pants.                       
                                                            
64216 SPORTS - FLYING                                         



As the para-glider floated nearby,                          
Its pilot called down from the sky,                         
"You'll more cautious become                                
Knowing what you hang from,                                 
And also just what you hang by."                            
                                                            
64217 SPORTS - FLYING                Richard Grant            



Flying bagwings that came "off the rack",                   
She loved to go over the back.                              
Till one day in a rotor,                                    
The ground rose and smote her,                              
And now she's much broader...and flat.                      
                                                            
64218 SPORTS - FLYING                John Little              



A naked hang-glider named Cass,                             
Was practicing landings on grass.                           
But she sailed past the lawn                                
And landed upon                                             
The sidewalk and skinned up her ass!                        
                                                            
64219 SPORTS - FLYING                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young Welsh girl name Wanda,                    
Who came from the valley, from Rhonda.                      
At school she's not bright,                                 
But all day and all night,                                  
At hang-gliding she'll soar like a condor!                  
                                                            
64220 SPORTS - FLYING                Arthur Pattaffy          



His hobby -- a large hot air balloon;                       
His ambition -- to rise to the moon.                        
But a mishap in the flight,                                 
The fabric grew too tight,                                  
And it burst.  His life ended too soon.                     
                                                            
64221 SPORTS - FLYING                Arthur Pattaffy          



The large hot air balloon is a wow;                         
It's black and white; looks like a cow.                     
A mistake by the trade                                      
As it was being made;                                       
It's three times its planned size.  What comes now?         
                                                            
64222 SPORTS - FLYING                Arthur Pattaffy          



Gliding is to fly like a bird.                              
It sounds crazy?  Think.  It's not absurd.                  
You are sailing quite high                                  
'Tween the earth and the sky,                               
Where only sounds of nature are heard.                      
                                                            
64223 SPORTS - FLYING                Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young boy in Shanghai,                          
Who made kites that could rise to the sky.                  
When to heaven they'd soar,                                 
And he'd see them no more,                                  
He thought gods needed kites they could fly.                
                                                            
64224 SPORTS - FLYING                Warrick Elrod            



The student-from-hell took a flight,                        
But ended up geting a fright.                               
Above the LZ                                                
He locked up.  You see,                                     
He just couldn't get landings right.                        
(LZ - landing zone)                                         
64225 SPORTS - FLYING                John Little              



There was a young fellow called Guy,                        
Who desperately wished he could fly,                        
He made himself wings,                                      
Out of paper and things,                                    
And very soon fell from the sky.                            
                                                            
64226 SPORTS - FLYING                Guy Phillips age 10,P0112



There was a young man they called Gumbo,                    
Who wanted to fly in a Jumbo;                               
He'd look in the sky                                        
Whilst eating a pie,                                        
And fantasized that he was Dumbo.                           
                                                            
64227 SPORTS - FLYING                                         



A cock-stroking slacker named Gumbo                         
Would wank to old drawings of Dumbo.                        
He'd come by the pound,                                     
And float off the ground,                                   
While farting like jets on a Jumbo.                         
                                                            
64228 SPORTS - FLYING                                         



Remember that fellow named Bly,                             
The one who had thought he could fly...                     
Well he took to the air,                                    
With magnificent flair                                      
On -- you guessed it -- the 4th of July.                    
                                                            
64229 SPORTS - FLYING                Bob Birch           P0800



There was once an old mother quite spry,                    
Who go shot by a cannon very quite high.                    
She woke up in fright,                                      
On a plane in mid-flight,                                   
And landed in a country near by!                            
                                                            
64230 SPORTS - FLYING                                         



There was an old lady of Tooting                            
Who wanted to learn parachuting.                            
Though they tried to repress her,                           
She jumped from the dresser,                                
A perfect vol-plane executing.                              
                                                            
64231 SPORTS - FLYING                Linda Marsh Coll         



Lets find ourselves a small plane;                          
We'll parachute, my dear Jayne,                             
And do something new                                        
For this limerick crew,                                     
Though I'm not sure if it's really sane.                    
                                                            
64232 SPORTS - FLYING                Archie                   



Our parachutes are not off the shelf;                       
I've packed them and checked them myself.                   
They're now very safe                                       
(Barring a bad gaffe)                                       
So your butterflies you should quellf.                      
                                                            
64233 SPORTS - FLYING                Archie                   



So we jump and now start to screw,                          
As down through the air we both flew.                       
At three thousand feet,                                     
Our ripcords we greet --                                    
And just before that, I withdrew.                           
                                                            
64234 SPORTS - FLYING                Archie                   



Our landing is right on the dot,                            
And injured?  Of course, we are not.                        
But you're in a muddle,                                     
Why land in a puddle?                                       
Once again you've found the wet spot.                       
                                                            
64235 SPORTS - FLYING                Archie                   



There was a young man from New Haven,                       
Who thought he could fly like a raven.                      
His extremities flapped                                     
As the onlookers clapped,                                   
But his undercarriage caught in the paven.                  
                                                            
64236 SPORTS - FLYING                Richard Jean             



This story is true, not a fable:                            
A chap on a bridge said "I'm able,                          
Though bungy I lack,                                        
To bounce down and back,                                    
By using this bit of old cable."                            
                                                            
64237 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE                                



No sooner 'twas said than decided.                          
Around his left leg the fool tied it.                       
So over he started,                                         
At the end his foot parted;                                 
He wishes now that he'd not tried it.                       
                                                            
64238 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE                                



His efforts we must then applaud,                           
Though he fell from the end of that cord;                   
His foot's never discovered                                 
But the moron's recovered,                                  
And did not win the Darwin Award.                           
                                                            
64239 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE                                



There once was a fellow Gymnastic                           
Whose feats were a trifle fantastic;                        
He jumped from Big Ben,                                     
And then sprang back again,                                 
With the aid of a piece of elastic.                         
                                                            
64240 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE                           P8306



A man on a length of elastic                                
Decided to do something drastic.                            
When he jumped from the cliff, he                           
Came back in a jiffy,                                       
And screamed to his friends, "It's fantastic!"              
                                                            
64241 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Michael Palin            



A girl who lived out in Balwearie                           
Thought her life dull, boring, and dreary.                  
So she went bungee-jumping,                                 
But took quite a bumping,                                   
And her vision became a bit bleary.                         
                                                            
64242 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Jim Weaver Collection    



A man who loved to bungee jump                              
Once jumped off a big camel's hump.                         
But it didn't hold fast,                                    
And that jump was his last;                                 
He crashed in a big camel dump.                             
                                                            
64243 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE                                



So Archie, have you copulated?                              
Or mutually masturbated                                     
With a chick on elastic?                                    
Was it fantastic?                                           
Was she the best that you've mated?                         
                                                            
64244 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Jayne                    



So Jayne, you are scared of heights too?                    
Now tell me, what did I do,                                 
On that scary jump.                                         
Well -- who did I hump?                                     
For I had my eyes closed tight too!                         
                                                            
64245 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Archie                   



For thrills with an added dimension                         
Joe bungee-jumped off a suspension                          
Bridge aiming for Flo                                       
Who was lying below                                         
It awaiting his thrusting extension.                        
                                                            
64246 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Peter Wilkins            



With less than two inches to go                             
Before plunging his rod into Flo                            
Up he went like a shot                                      
In the sky, a mere dot,                                     
Leaving Flo in frustration below.                           
                                                            
64247 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Peter Wilkins            



Then down again inches away,                                
Wanking madly and hoping to spray,                          
Over Flo 'fore he went                                      
On his upward ascent;                                       
But it wasn't his luckiest day.                             
                                                            
64248 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Peter Wilkins            



"Next time I come down", he announced,                      
As the bungee-rope upwardly bounced,                        
"Will you stand up and open                                 
Your mouth?"  "Not a hope in                                
Hell", Flo said, as homeward she flounced.                  
                                                            
64249 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Peter Wilkins            



But a note where she stood said: "Dear Joe,                 
When you're through with your bouncing please go            
To my place in this street,                                 
Where I'm warming the sheet                                 
In my silky black panties. Yours - Flo                      
                                                            
64250 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Tiddy Ogg                



We all know that tampons are spongey                        
And oftentimes get rather grungy.                           
But why they have strings                                   
Among other things,                                         
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.                        
                                                            
64251 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE                                



We all know that tampons are spongey,                       
And oftentimes get rather grungey                           
But why they have strings,                                  
Among other things,                                         
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.                        
                                                            
64252 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Drayton                  



First climb the Bungee by the stair;                        
Naked and without a care.                                   
And we'll start to hump                                     
Above -- then we'll jump                                    
And finish ourselves in mid-air!                            
                                                            
64253 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Archie                   



Oh what lovely naked delights!                              
But I am afraid of such heights,                            
But I like it al fresco,                                    
(And sometimes in Tesco)                                    
Or the car on a dark stormy night.                          
                                                            
64254 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Jayne                    



We named our son Christian, dear Lord,                      
'Cause at birth the angel just soared,                      
Then was bounced right back in,                             
And, Praise God!, born again,                               
On his bungee umbilical cord.                               
                                                            
64255 SPORTS - FLYING - BUNGEE       Anon                     



When jumping from planes it's well known,                   
You know very well you're alone.                            
Once you step into space,                                   
You had better say grace;                                   
If you goofed, it's the last flight you've flown.           
                                                            
64256 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Tom Patton          P0303



Says a note that I got in the mail,                         
"I've a parachute offered for sale.                         
Never opened; used once                                     
For skydiving stunts,                                       
But there is some slight staining.  Call Gail."             
                                                            
64257 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Hugh Clary               



A couple who felt quite astute                              
Made love in their joint parachute.                         
But orgasms in air                                          
Caused their chute to impair,                               
And the carnage was quite absolute.                         
                                                            
64258 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    The Sailor & Co     P0310



On a plane flying high in the skies,                        
I decided skydiving was wise.                               
Carol, in the next seat,                                    
Sat exposing her meat,                                      
So I dove in the muff 'twixt her thighs!                    
                                                            
64259 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Gearhart                 



Luckily a parachute I wear,                                 
'Cause the door of the plane wasn't there.                  
Wind blew it right off,                                     
So this tongue muffing boff,                                
You'll have to finish in mid-air!                           
                                                            
64260 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Gearhart                 



I grabbed hold of your parachutes                           
And stuck my tongue deep in the roots                       
Of your inner sanctum;                                      
I twisted and yanked 'em --                                 
They now dangle down to your boots!                         
                                                            
64261 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Gearhart                 



Come gather and hear now my tale                            
Depicting our sky dive that failed                          
You just might enjoy                                        
What's become of my toy                                     
[I swear it's the truth, each detail...]                    
                                                            
64262 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



So now I've a mis'rable stump                               
Because of our ill fated jump                               
We should not of tried it                                   
[But don't get excited                                      
For in the end I can still hump]                            
                                                            
64263 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



They rushed me off to see a doc                             
To check on the state of my cock                            
He awed and he ohed                                         
And his brow he furrowed,                                   
When he saw what was left of my stalk.                      
                                                            
64264 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



Doc thought, "At such matters I've laughed                  
To myself much later.  A shaft                              
That's rogered clean off                                    
From a jolly good boff                                      
Leaves working men quite understaffed!"                     
                                                            
64265 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



Now Doc Recker said, "No, I can't                           
Save a wee thing that's so scant.                           
There's nothing left to it.                                 
I'll just have to do it--                                   
I'll lop off the rest and implant."                         
                                                            
64266 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



So he amputated my schlong,                                 
And that didn't take very long.                             
And then Dr. Recker                                         
Called up Black & Decker,                                   
Who built a steel tubular dong.                             
                                                            
64267 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



He said, "It'll need a skin cover                           
So that you can still be a lover.                           
I've looked high and low fer.                               
A fox or a gopher,                                          
Or something soft to rightly shove 'er."                    
                                                            
64268 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



The skin that Doc used for the graft                        
Was taken off from a giraffee.                              
So now my cock's spotted,                                   
And longs to be twatted;                                    
So bend and I'll rip you in half!                           
                                                            
64269 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



Well, that is a grand explanation,                          
But you best get a new operation.                           
I don't want to feel                                        
A cold cock of steel,                                       
In this pink meat unless there's vibration.                 
                                                            
64270 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



Appointments are already made,                              
'Til then, no fucking I'm afraid.                           
A new surgeon was found,                                    
Worldwide he's renowned,                                    
'Til then, keep that thing in the shade.                    
                                                            
64271 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



My new surgery's on hold, my dear,                          
Till May 22nd I fear...                                     
So if I can't pump                                          
With my temp stump,                                         
You will just have to sit waiting here.                     
                                                            
64272 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Jon Gearhart             



The thing you're most likely to notice                      
While I'm busy tonguing your lotus,                         
Your petals won't wilt                                      
From missing my stilt,                                      
For tongues still helps lacking in scrotus.                 
                                                            
64273 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Jon Gearhart             



The thing you're most likely to notice                      
While I'm busy tonguing your lotus,                         
Your petals won't wilt                                      
From missing my stilt,                                      
For tongues still helps lacking in scrotus.                 
                                                            
64274 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Jon Gearhart             



I hope that I do not regret                                 
The choice of my surgeon, my pet.                           
Seems competency                                            
Comes at a high fee --                                      
His rates are the least I've seen yet.                      
                                                            
64275 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Jon Gearhart             



A naked skydiver named Cee                                  
Liked to jump from a big DC3.                               
"But to jump in the buff                                    
Can be awfully rough                                        
When it's raining or hailing," said she.                    
                                                            
64276 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Michael Whalen           



"Now she'll have to stop being smug,"                       
The nude jumper said with a shrug.                          
"That jumper named Rondi's                                  
Not really a blondie;                                       
The curtains do not match the rug."                         
                                                            
64277 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Michael Whalen           



But Rondi replied with dispatch,                            
The curtains and rug may not match,                         
But perhaps you'd get in                                    
And not go low again,   (missing the formation on skydive)  
If you'd keep your eyes off of my snatch.                   
                                                            
64278 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Michael Whalen           



With John, she did her first tandem,                        
But fear made her hand movements random.                    
So when they alit,                                          
She shouted "Oh Shit!"                                      
As testicles back she did hand him.                         
                                                            
64279 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Michael Whalen           



And Ronald, I nearly forgot,                                
Lack of use caused his weapon to rot.                       
But that old knight of gold (Army Golden Knights teammember)
Has a wife now, I'm told.                                   
Now he's using his lance a lot.                             
                                                            
64280 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Michael Whalen           



Sir Ron was the first to extol                              
The virtues of sex in freefall.                             
But when the air's bumpy,                                   
His weapon gets jumpy.                                      
He rarely can find the right hole.                          
                                                            
64281 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Michael Whalen           



Ron's wife said, "This midair refuelin'                     
Has made my ass sore, I'm not foolin'.                      
Your aim must improve;                                      
You must find the right groove,                             
Or a new girlfriend to stick your tool in."                 
                                                            
64282 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Michael Whalen           



Maxwell's a parachutist called Pop;                         
Each day jumps from planes without stop.                    
"Before each I have a                                       
Large hot cup ofjava,                                       
'Cause it's good to the very last drop."                    
                                                            
64283 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Tom Patton          P0303



A parachute jumper named Beeple                             
Was seen by some horrified people,                          
When he fell from the sky                                   
On a day in July,                                           
And was speared by the top of a steeple.                    
                                                            
64284 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Cap'n Bean          P0304



If you're going to jump with a chute,                       
Then you'd better be highly astute                          
To the way you should fall,                                 
And to know, most of all,                                   
That your chute is a good one, to boot.                     
                                                            
64285 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Cap'n bean          P0303



That's just what I need, triple-D's.                        
Now my boobs will hang down past my knees.                  
They hang there like ropes;                                 
I look like a dope;                                         
My nipples like two shriveled peas.                         
                                                            
64286 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



Don't worry, they'll ride up with wear;                     
You'll soon have a normal-shaped pair.                      
My rubbing and licking                                      
And sucking and dicking,                                    
Will soon have them back up to there.                       
                                                            
64287 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Jon Gearhart             



Your nipples aren't shriveled, they're pert,                
And always on stand-up alert,                               
When my tongue's upon 'em,                                  
Around 'em and on 'em,                                      
And I'm careful them not to hurt.                           
                                                            
64288 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Jon Gearhart             



So now as your chute slows our fall,                        
I'll slide my root up to the ball.                          
In and out, out and in,                                     
Again and again,                                            
Until my nuts empty their haul!                             
                                                            
64289 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Jon Gearhart             



And while you continue to hump,                             
Landing on the ground with a thump;.                        
Though you did break my fall,                               
Squish, squish went your ball.                              
Kerplunk!  Your dicks a one inch stump!                     
                                                            
64290 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Carol                    



The skydiving novice, Miss Crandall                         
On a tandem jump pulled the wrong handle.                   
The instructor in pain,                                     
So deployed the main                                        
But he still had one bad "roaring candle".                  
                                                            
64291 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    John Miller 0266         



Reads an obituary in Maine,                                 
"We announce the demise of John Lane.                       
Now at peace and asleep.                                    
(Parachute - going cheap --                                 
Used once, never opened, small stain)"                      
                                                            
64292 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    H Myers            TP9804



Many things don't come off without hitches;                 
To often they're subject to glitches.                       
Jump from a plane?                                          
You must be insane!                                         
I think I would shit in my britches.                        
                                                            
64293 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    MrMalo                   



Next time he should open his chute,                         
Instead of trying to look cute.                             
And now he's quite flat                                     
And looks like a twat,                                      
Appearing just like a squashed fruit.                       
                                                            
64294 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Hadyn                    



A sky-diving couple named Lord,                             
Decided to screw while they soared.                         
They got so excited                                         
While flying united,                                        
They never did pull the rip cord.                           
                                                            
64295 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING                             



In the course of a parachute jump,                          
A young lady came down with a bump.                         
When folk came to her aid,                                  
One said "Don't be dismayed,                                
But I've found a large lump in your rump!"                  
                                                            
64296 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    X. Rowland Burnham  P8512



There was a sky-diver named Bowers                          
Who thought he would try out his powers.                    
He attempted to fly                                         
From a way up on high.                                      
On his grave there are beautiful flowers.                   
                                                            
64297 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Albin Chaplin            



It's Sunday; the day to begin                               
A new week of original sin.                                 
If you girls want to try                                    
It butt-naked while sky-                                    
Diving, knock or just parachute in.                         
                                                            
64298 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING                             



The plan was to parachute nude.                             
(Their pubies had all been shampooed.)                      
We'd see more than a thigh;                                 
We'd see pie in the sky!                                    
When those cheerleaders float down thus viewed.             
                                                            
64299 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    OgniGioia                



A lovable skydiver named Sherm,                             
Bailed out with his prick long and firm.                    
Two jerks and a spasm,                                      
Produced an orgasm,                                         
And he spelled out "I love you" in sperm.                   
                                                            
64300 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING                             



Said the jumpmaster, rugged but battered,                   
The training schedule never quite mattered.                 
Canceling half the course                                   
Because we had a loss;                                      
The trainee hit the ground and was splattered.              
                                                            
64301 SPORTS - FLYING - SKYDIVING    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



"Football," Coach Lombardi once said,                       
"Is not contact -- collision, instead."                     
There are less violent sports                               
Played on game boards and courts,                           
But a contact sport's best played in bed.                   
                                                            
64302 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              William N Nesbit    P0900



With 'Bama involved in a scandal,                           
It's unclear if their football withstand 'll                
NCAA's slap                                                 
On their Crimson Tide yap,                                  
'Less they fart the Messiah by Handel.                      
                                                            
64303 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



There once was a man named Al,                              
Who was greedy as a chorus gal.                             
So one fine day                                             
He left L.A.                                                
And ripped off the fans in Nor Cal.                         
(Nor Cal - northern California)                             
64304 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



Some girl football players from Wald                        
By a whistle were greatly appalled:                         
"Was someone offside?"                                      
"Oh no," Ref replied,                                       
"It was backfield-in-motion I called!"                      
                                                            
64305 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Norm Storer              



There was an old woman of Kent                              
Who went to the football event.                             
He sat near the goal,                                       
And opened her hole,                                        
And guess where the football went?                          
                                                            
64306 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              J D                      



The SuperBowl might be a bore,                              
I don't care who wins anymore.                              
But my heart will soar,                                     
If I see a score,                                           
That ends in some kind of a four.                           
                                                            
64307 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



If you had stopped by for a fuck,                           
Maybe it would have changed my luck,                        
That game was a bore,                                       
And I didn't score,                                         
Now I'm out a double saw-buck.                              
                                                            
64308 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



I'll come by this Sunday instead,                           
And give you that fuck in your bed.                         
A real free-for-all --                                      
Our own Super Ball,                                         
And maybe you'll earn back that bread...                    
                                                            
64309 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



There once was a man named Modell,                          
Who mustn't have been very well.                            
Despite all the sellouts,                                   
The team got the hell out,                                  
And Baltimore is where they fell.                           
                                                            
64310 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



Said a sophomoric cheerleader, Kate,                        
"I can please all the jocks at Kent State.                  
Running backs, right away;                                  
Linemen, later today;                                       
But the coaches will just have to wait!"                    
                                                            
64311 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              William N. Nesbit   P9610



A cheerleader named Betty-Jean Clarke                       
Drank some luminous paint for a lark.                       
By December the cocks                                       
Of half of the jocks                                        
On the football team glowed in the dark.                    
                                                            
64312 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Michael Weinstein   P8311



The Cowboys team statistician                               
Was arrested for causing team friction.                     
It seems instead of TD's                                    
He kept track of their pleas,                               
And arrests versus actual convictions!                      
(Dallas Cowboys of NFL in 1996 were a bunch of thugs - McW) 
64313 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Peg Kay                  



All the guys make Hegira to Dallas                          
To ogle what this fair cowgal 'as:                          
Boobies so high and fair                                    
They look lighter than air                                  
And fully-packed blue jeans, for ballas'.                   
                                                            
64314 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Robin K. Willoughby P8412



A quarterback named Dan Marino,                             
Went into a Vegas casino.                                   
He bet all his money                                        
With a little blonde honey,                                 
Who now drives a black El Camino                            
                                                            
64315 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



Denver lost the big game to Baltimore                       
And will sit out the Superbowl once more.                   
Their fans think some day                                   
They'll win with no Elway.                                  
But then, quoth the Ravens, "Nevermore!"                    
                                                            
64316 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Election 2000            



I'm afraid that you fans of the horse,                      
Come Monday will be feeling remorse;                        
For the NFC streak                                          
Will reach a new peak,                                      
As will Elway's, as a matter of course.                     
(1998 Superbowl - Denver Broncos vs Green Bay Packers)      
64317 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Ed Bick                  



While streaking through Buckingham Palace,                  
Prince Charles, with an absence of malice,                  
Enquired in a rant,                                         
"Have you seen my fat aunt?"                                
"Yes.  She's out playing fullback in Dallas."               
                                                            
64318 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Bill Wall                



Bruce Daniel was a man amoung men,                          
And for football he had a great yen.                        
He became so adroit,                                        
He was tapped by Detroit,                                   
And was cast into the Lion's den.                           
                                                            
64319 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



There once was a team, FSU,    (Florida State University)   
Whose defense gave UF fifty-two.  (University of Florida)   
For despite pre-game image                                  
About line of scrimmage,                                    
'Twas easy enough to get through.                           
                                                            
64320 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9701



A young football hero named Roach                           
To girls taught the football approach.                      
One did fumble his ball                                     
'Twixt the bed and the wall.                                
He then called for some help from his coach.                
                                                            
64321 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Albin Chaplin       P8306



Said the captain of the Green Bay Packers:                  
"Youse guys are a bunch of coke-sackers.                    
In case you don't knows,                                    
How de story goes,                                          
It goes: Sock-tucker, cork-soaker, lip-smackers!"           
                                                            
64322 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                  G2358



Superbowl quality varies.                                   
Comes down to a bunch of Hail Mary's.                       
Pittsburg or Dallas?                                        
The ball is a phallus,                                      
And the players?  They're all latent fairies.               
(Hail Mary - throw long and pray your guys catch it)        
64323 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              How Weird Cosell         



A Heisman contender named Warrick                           
Had football fans less than euphoric:                       
For armloads of rainments,                                  
He left just down payments...                               
The rest, as they say, is historic.                         
                                                            
64324 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Prof M-G                 



There once was a team from Houston,                         
Whose fans did very little boostin'.                        
So to the Opry they went,                                   
Nashville its money lent,                                   
And now that it's there, they'll be losin'.                 
                                                            
64325 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



A famous football player named Jed                          
Played his last game and injured his head.                  
After years at a college,                                   
He had a B.A. for knowledge;                                
"The best pass I've made'",s what he said.                  
                                                            
64326 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a man named Paul,                            
Who thought he was standing tall.                           
He said, "Teams must stay put."                             
But could not set down his foot,                            
And so he's a puppet after all.                             
(Paul Tagliabue, Commissioner of Football)                  
64327 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



The coach said, "Our kicker's the wrong one,                
Linda Lovelace might just be a strong one.                  
Though it's certainly true,                                 
That she's blown quite a few,                               
She has never yet choked on a long one."                    
                                                            
64328 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Bob Giandomenico    P9511



There once was a gal named Frontiere                        
Whose ownership practices were scary.                       
She took over the Rams,                                     
Turned them into lambs,                                     
And now they're the shame of Missouri.                      
(Los Angeles Rams football team move to St Louis, Mo)       
64329 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



The NFL Cheerleaders sought                                 
To improve on their image and lot.                          
Said Rozelle, in a fit,                                     
"You can show tits a bit,                                   
But thou shalt not display any twat!"                       
                                                            
64330 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Albin Chaplin   3024-2313



It was cold at the pro football game.                       
She said, "Hi there, what is your name?"                    
He replied "Samuel Cohen,                                   
I've this cold never been;                                  
I'm a lawyer of some local fame."                           
                                                            
64331 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              KJ                       



"Oh really," she said with a grin,                          
"I'm a model, and my name is Lynn.                          
Perhaps we could share                                      
That blanket right there,                                   
To keep us from feeling that wind."                         
                                                            
64332 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              KJ                       



So they snuggled and watched the teams play,                
While their hands 'neath the blanket did stray.             
When the game was completed,                                
The home team defeated,                                     
He turned and he started to say:                            
                                                            
64333 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              KJ                       



"You are not a model, contraire,                            
For a model will shave all her hair,                        
From her feet to her chin;                                  
Is your name really Lynn?                                   
It's OK, for I really don't care."                          
                                                            
64334 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              KJ                       



"I am not a model, 'tis true,                               
But I know something about you.                             
For under the blanket,                                      
When I tried to wank it,                                    
I discovered that you're not a Jew!"                        
                                                            
64335 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              KJ                       



There is a young fullback named Pete;                       
Though not a dynamic athlete,                               
He has the esteem                                           
Of all of the team.                                         
He may not be strong, but he's sweet.                       
                                                            
64336 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Limericks Naughty & Gay  



"He used blackmail!" wailed poor little Eva                 
Citing Quarterback Clyde (the deceiver!)                    
My attempts to defend                                       
Should have gained her Tight End,                           
But she left and became Wide Receiver.                      
                                                            
64337 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



To a grid team psyched up in a fever,                       
Came a co-ed as pre-game reliever.                          
They rushed her headlong,                                   
That lecherous throng,                                      
And made her the best wide receiver.                        
                                                            
64338 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Alan Ottley              



The two thousand yards of O.J.'s                            
Was a record than none would erase.                         
But turn loose the juice --                                 
It may be no use                                            
On account of the way Payton plays.                         
(Payton broke single season football rushing record)        
64339 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Hugh Oliver         A139A



The reason both football teams huddle                       
Is "holding" can cause kidney trouble.                      
So each has his turn;                                       
In Basics they learn                                        
To sidestep the other team's puddle.                        
                                                            
64340 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Irving Superior          



As played by the phantoms of Shrule,                        
Midnight football is eerie and cruel;                       
If one kicks a ghost                                        
Past the others goal-post,                                  
He wins credit for scoring a ghoul.                         
                                                            
64341 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Tony Butler              



There once was a fellow from Seoul                          
Whose passion was the Super Bowl.                           
He tried to pick teams                                      
Using stats by the reams,                                   
But was vexed by a wayward field goal.                      
(C J Park)                                                  
64342 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Literary Group           



There's an N.F.L. groupie who's cracking,                   
"I provide what at home may be lacking:                     
Since I lure them to bed                                    
With the promise of head,                                   
I'm an expert in quarterback sacking."                      
                                                            
64343 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



A pass-throwing wizard named Reese,                         
Prays nightly for marital peace.                            
There are stadium cheers,                                   
And bedchamber tears,                                       
Both result from his famed quick release.                   
                                                            
64344 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



Although it looked worse than she feared,                   
It wasn't so much they got sheared,                         
As all that bare skin                                       
Made her long for sin,                                      
When all the Rams down in front cheered.                    
                                                            
64345 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



I've got a snack for you right here,                        
If you give my home town a cheer.                           
'Cause here we've got cravin's                              
For my team The Ravens;                                     
If they win I'll buy you a beer.                            
                                                            
64346 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



There once was a Packer named Ray,                          
Who spent all his time in Green Bay.                        
But now he'll be leaving                                    
With family still grieving,                                 
But the maggots will feast night and day.                   
                                                            
64347 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              HotMail                  



There once was a guy with no class,                         
Pulling limericks out of his ass.                           
Respect, he had zero,                                       
For the death of a hero,                                    
So he spewed out bad rectal gas.                            
                                                            
64348 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Craig Koller             



Into the Middle School's parking lot                        
A Corvette whipped right into its spot.                     
Driven by Brian Grimes                                      
(Red Shirted five times),                                   
Who's just great in his running-back spot.                  
                                                            
64349 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



I've got to follow my block --                              
That linebacker just cleaned my clock!                      
I'll run it again;                                          
This time with a spin,                                      
And juke him right out of his jock.                         
                                                            
64350 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              John Goshorn        T9711



There once was a team from Seattle,                         
Whose owner was visibly rattled.                            
Emerald City had no dough,                                  
So Behring had to go,                                       
And Los Angeles is back in the saddle.                      
                                                            
64351 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



Dallas' number one nympho named Gwen                        
Loved the Cowboys' eleven he-men.                           
She laid up with the fullback                               
And, as they did pull back,                                 
Said, "That makes it second and ten."                       
                                                            
64352 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Ed Wolfert          P8407



A certain young woman named Mame                            
Longs to play in a tough football game,                     
You would think it can't be                                 
Since she's female, you see,                                
Yet she's making the team, just the same.                   
                                                            
64353 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Isaac Asimov        P9606



I wish that I had a nickel                                  
For every time someone gets tickled                         
At the really queer                                         
Names that they hear,                                       
Like Dick Butkus and Dick Trickle.                          
                                                            
64354 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Loretta F          TP9802



'Twas the very last hour of the month.                      
Wailed a Super Bowl fan, "Is it donth?                      
I've been drinking all day,                                 
Watching, waiting for play.                                 
Now it's over, I've missed it.  Who wonth?"                 
                                                            
64355 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Prof M-G                 



In that glittery game, bowl d'super,                        
My Giants exhibited stupor.                                 
They stumbled around                                        
As their balls hit the ground,                              
While Macorkle looked more like Mark Duper.                 
                                                            
64356 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



Each time they exhibited spark                              
Or a ball would fly true in it's arc,                       
A hand in the air                                           
By Lewis or Boulware                                        
Would dash their poor hopes in the dark.                    
                                                            
64357 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



Though "in it" until the fourth quarter,                    
They only disguised the foul slaughter;                     
A myriad of small sins                                      
From Fossel and Collins,                                    
Made them look like the general's daughter.                 
                                                            
64358 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



The magnificent Super Bowl's here again;                    
There's the Star-Spangled-Banner to cheer again;            
With a third down and long,                                 
With the plays that go wrong,                               
And the one-minute spot to plug beer again.                 
                                                            
64359 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              H. Wilson Smith     P8801



When the referee's whistle starts play again,               
And the quarterback looks with dismay again                 
At the solid defense,                                       
He is growing more tense                                    
And he know that he's going to pray again.                  
                                                            
64360 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              H. Wilson Smith     P8801



With his golden arm cocked for a pass again,                
Well aware that he'll land on his ass again --              
But, by God, he's protected,                                
The receiver connected                                      
And it's first down and ten on the grass again.             
                                                            
64361 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              H. Wilson Smith     P8801



Now a running back rips off right tackle again,             
But we hear a most ominous crackle again;                   
Takes time out while we see                                 
If he busted his knee,                                      
While defense figures out how to shackle again.             
                                                            
64362 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              H. Wilson Smith     P8801



We predict that there may be a rumble again --              
On the very next play there's a fumble again                
And a noisy dispute --                                      
Center bleeds from his snoot,                               
And the penalty brings a big grumble again.                 
                                                            
64363 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              H. Wilson Smith     P8801



With a fourth down and goal on the one again;               
Our moment of truth has begun again.                        
It is now or never,                                         
So with daring endeavor,                                    
We must stake out our spot in the sun again.                
                                                            
64364 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              H. Wilson Smith     P8801



The magnificent Super Bowl's here again,                    
With a lot of exitement this year again.                    
There are banners and bands,                                
A few fights in the stands,                                 
And commercials go "boom" in my ear again.                  
                                                            
64365 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              H. Wilson Smith     P8801



The offensive coach moved to ascend                         
The showering tailback's rear end;                          
Broke through his defense                                   
And in consequence,                                         
The tailback is now a split end.                            
                                                            
64366 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Allan R. Ottley     P8306



We tore up the town in St Lou,                              
Where I made my acting debut.                               
From Hard Rock to Hooters,                                  
We drank many shooters,                                     
But the lap dance at Cheetah's not true.                    
                                                            
64367 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Carol                    



Now please, don't lie, you remember                         
The night we spent in September;                            
That lap dance took place                                   
With your cunt on my face,                                  
As you sucked on my hard horny member.                      
                                                            
64368 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



But it did not take place down at Cheetah's,                
But after sixteen margaritas,                               
We went to my room;                                         
Passion's fire did consume                                  
Us both; we became hungry eetah's.                          
                                                            
64369 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



And then as my pole, stiff as starch,                       
Had both our hormones on full march,                        
You hopped up on top                                        
And screamed, "Jon, don't stop!"                            
As your back formed the St Louis Arch.                      
                                                            
64370 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



So that's why my back is all jammed,                        
And my body feels like it was slammed.                      
I'm achy and sore,                                          
But happy for sure,                                         
'Cause I was just St Louis RAMmed.                          
                                                            
64371 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Carol                    



Your skin is such tan shades of BROWN                       
From your toes to your nose to your mound.                  
I pictured you shaven                                       
And got a big craven;                                       
Started RAVEN, "Oh God! Turn around!"                       
                                                            
64372 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



I RAMmed you with my GIANT JET                              
And you screamed, like a true PATRIOT.                      
"Oh say can you see                                         
What is deep inside me!"                                    
"Yes I am," as I CHARGEd up your wet...                     
                                                            
64373 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



...Hole with my pole hard like STEEL;                       
Like a DOLPHIN, you started to squeal.                      
As I RAIDed your booty,                                     
Like a BUCCANEER, cutie,                                    
I said, "You're a TITAN, I feel!"                           
                                                            
64374 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



Like a COWBOY, I mounted to ride you,                       
And bucked like a BRONCO inside you.                        
I hope that my VIKING                                       
Is fit for your liking --                                   
Let me LION you now and divide you.                         
                                                            
64375 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



Like an EAGLE we soared to such height,                     
That the FALCONS were beneath our sight.                    
"Now my sweet, I'll SEAHAWK;                                
Come get on my sweet cock                                   
And ride me with all of your might!"                        
                                                            
64376 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



As each inch of BEAR form, I explored,                      
My face, CARDINAL red as I bored,                           
I purred like a PANTHER                                     
When I first depantsed her,                                 
But now like a BENGAL she roared!                           
                                                            
64377 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



The walls shook and shimmered that night,                   
(My REDSKIN from the heat, usually white.)                  
She said "You're the CHIEF;                                 
Stole my heart like a thief."                               
(I attack her and PACKER real tight!)                       
                                                            
64378 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



Like a SAINT you sang out with your praise                  
As we tried 49ER fifty ways                                 
To satiate lust,                                            
As I parried and thrust,                                    
My love deep inside you for days.                           
                                                            
64379 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



When we left the room, paying our BILLS,                    
After days and nights of many thrills,                      
I said, "Bet my COLT                                        
Gave you a big jolt."                                       
In my JAGUAR, we raced through the hills.                   
                                                            
64380 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Jon Gearhart             



A rabbinical freshman named laif,                           
Lost his Letter for playing it safe.                        
For he dropped a long pass,                                 
On the gridiron grass,                                      
When he learned that a football was traif.                  
(traif - non kosher like a pigskin)                         
64381 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Lantzmen            P8306



A tight-end receiver from Hays                              
Has lusted about it for days;                               
And on clasping his hands                                   
'Round a broad in the stands,                               
Made a touchdown in less than two plays.                    
                                                            
64382 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Hugh Oliver         A052A



I've been watching football tight ends;                     
One in particular bends                                     
An interesting way                                          
So his muscles play                                         
In public where his pants-seam rends.                       
                                                            
64383 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Marlene Lewis            



A young football player named Shust                         
Did fumble while trying a thrust.                           
He had thought he would score                               
But he fumbled some more.                                   
He got up from the bed in disgust.                          
                                                            
64384 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Albin Chaplin       P8306



There once was a girl named Corinne,                        
Who took the whole football team in.                        
She screamed, "Fill me up Rusty,                            
Don't let me get dusty!"                                    
Drank him down like a bottle of gin!                        
                                                            
64385 SPORTS - FOOTBALL                                       



There once was this couple named Lee,                       
Who screwed doggie-fashion, you see.                        
They both would attest                                      
That this method was best                                   
For watching N.F.L. on T.V.                                 
                                                            
64386 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Laurence Craft           



A Notre Dame player named Weaver,                           
Was gay and an over-achiever.                               
When he came to South Bend,                                 
He first played as tight end,                               
But wound up as a big wide receiver.                        
                                                            
64387 SPORTS - FOOTBALL              Bob Giandomenico    P9111



For a Bingo game he'd sometimes pine                        
And allow, "Hope I'm not out of line,                       
When I say at one time                                      
I thought Bingo a crime,                                    
But I've since found it merely B-9."                        
                                                            
64388 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Loren Fitzhugh      P0401



Playing Bingo, I find's a real bore.                        
I've been known to drop off, slump, and snore.              
And so I never win                                          
As much as a pin,                                           
Missing numbers they called out B-4."                       
                                                            
64389 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Arthur Deex         P0402



The old people sat down for the game,                       
Bingo!  Lotto!  What's in a name?                           
From legs number eleven,                                    
To Heinz fifty seven,                                       
Do you play it?  You don't!  What a shame!                  
                                                            
64390 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Arthur Pattaffy          



A guy was once watching TV                                  
To check his draw on the lottery,                           
He thought he'd won!                                        
What his friends had done:                                  
Buggered video made the numbers agree.                      
                                                            
64391 SPORTS - GAMBLING                                       



Gambling's the work of the devil,                           
So President John, I will level                             
With you, Shoot your crap                                   
Over some other sap,                                        
Or you may get a call from our Neville...                   
                                                            
64392 SPORTS - GAMBLING                                       



A man who played terrible poker                             
Held a hand that was just mediocre.                         
His pals he did bluff                                       
But it wasn't enough;                                       
Now his friend is the local pawnbroker.                     
                                                            
64393 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Fun Lim-R-iddles #2 P8603



A crusty old codger from Kent                               
Was bored, so to Vegas he went.                             
Wine, women and song,                                       
He didn't last long.                                        
His cash like his dick was soon spent.                      
                                                            
64394 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Skumbunny                



There was a young gambler named Price                       
Who risked all on the throw of the dice.                    
But the vision he saw                                       
Of great wealth, had a flaw,                                
When he rolled good old 'snake eyes' twice.                 
                                                            
64395 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Warrick Elrod            



A wealthy young man from Kentucky,                          
To a casino went, feeling lucky.                            
They got his cash in a flash,                               
Left him trash for his stash.                               
Who goes to stick, winds up a stuckee.                      
                                                            
64396 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Dan Sullivan             



The old gent from Kent went to Reno,                        
And got lucky at last with Beano.                           
Fortune restored,                                           
He caroused and he whored,                                  
And declared America Keen-o!                                
                                                            
64397 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Annie Jay                



A woman while gambling in Reno                              
Was arrested while at the casino.                           
She'd thrown down her cash,                                 
And grabbed the tight ass                                   
Of the dealer 'stead of her bambino.                        
                                                            
64398 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Jim Weaver Collection    



At Las Vegas a lady named Kit                               
Vowed to bet on the black till it hit.                      
As all night she had seen                                   
Just the red and the green,                                 
In the morning she left in a snit.                          
                                                            
64399 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Cybergeezer              



There is a French garcon from Metz,                         
Who spends all day placing large bets,                      
Losing more than he's won,                                  
But his hobby is fun;                                       
He enjoys all the pleasure he gets!                         
                                                            
64400 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Arthur Pattaffy          



A poker fanatic named Klause                                
Bet his opponent his house.                                 
His opponent didn't blink,                                  
But with nod and a wink,                                    
Called, then he re-raised his spouse.                       
                                                            
64401 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Anon                     



Klause had to think for a while,                            
Then he said with a smile,                                  
"I'll raise your weak bet,                                  
With a better one yet.                                      
My fifty-foot pet crocodile."                               
                                                            
64402 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Anon                     



The stakes were getting so high,                            
They decided the loser should die.                          
So their lives they did bet,                                
On Russian Roulette.                                        
Klause watched his opponent's brains fly.                   
                                                            
64403 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Anon                     



They have lots of roulette wheels in Jackpot,               
But the croupiers there are a black lot.                    
If your gambling itch                                       
Makes you think you'll get rich,                            
You're a true certifiable crackpot.                         
                                                            
64404 SPORTS - GAMBLING              John E Mayhood      P9805



There was a young gambler called Gwyn,                      
Who says "You don't play, you don't win!:                   
He went on a week's cruise;                                 
Every day he would lose.                                    
Returning, what a state he was in.                          
                                                            
64405 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Arthur Pattaffy          



At the Kirkland Hotel in Korrumburra,                       
Farmer Brown bet a hand on his furrow.                      
When he lost all his business,                              
He betted his missuss;                                      
He threw it and left a free fella.                          
                                                            
64406 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Alan Chilver             



There was a young playboy named Brett;                      
A sucker for placing a bet.                                 
He followed the horses,                                     
Spent days on golf courses,                                 
But he's thousands of dollars in debt.                      
                                                            
64407 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Arthur Pattaffy          



I ruined a lively romance                                   
By betting on odd games of chance.                          
I wagered my girl                                           
With a fellow named Earl --                                 
Guess who's getting into her pants.                         
                                                            
64408 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Jemstone                 



Two out of three is not bad;                                
For the weekend predictions I had.                          
The Sun, it did shine;                                      
The rugby was fine;                                         
The Lotto just makes me feel sad.                           
                                                            
64409 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Rick Limmer         T9710



The lottery game is so clever;                              
It is billed as a worthwhile endeavor.                      
One son of a bitch                                          
Will become filthy rich,                                    
While the rest will be poorer than ever.                    
                                                            
64410 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Al Chaplin          P9610



There was a young gambler from Roker,                       
Who spent all his time playing poker.                       
Ace, king, queen, jack, ten,                                
Came again and again;                                       
His smirk gave him the name of "The Joker."                 
                                                            
64411 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Arthur Pattaffy          



In my youth I adored Brigitte Bardot,                       
Had pictures from films where she starred-o,                
And places she'd play,                                      
In Cannes or St Tropez,                                     
Or glittering in Monte Carlo.                               
                                                            
64412 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



But now I must start on my task.                            
Miss Bardot, alas, I must ask                               
You to put from your mind,                                  
In place you will find,                                     
A beautiful young Monegasque.                               
                                                            
64413 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



'Twas there in a lavish casino,                             
Where jewelery sparkled like vino,                          
The roulette wheel spun,                                    
"Alors, I have won!"                                        
Leaned o'er for her chips, then one Gino...                 
                                                            
64414 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



...Fast speared our young lass from behind,                 
With a prick, which that man did unwind.                    
Though it felt rather pleasant,                             
It shouldn'a been present,                                  
For a memory came to her mind.                              
                                                            
64415 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



As you all know the tale, have no fears;                    
I'll not trot it out for you here.                          
As was told by your nurse,                                  
The poor girl was cursed,                                   
To sleep 'round for fifty-odd years.                        
                                                            
64416 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



She was at the time Vingt-et-un,                            
And soon set about having fun,                              
So she let down her hair,                                   
Got the chemin de fer,                                      
Black Jack was her lay number one.                          
                                                            
64417 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



Each night she'd a new man to poker,                        
Didn't need to resort to a Coca                             
Cola type bottle,                                           
For what she had got all                                    
Those gamblers would play their joker.                      
                                                            
64418 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



In Cannes, by the light of the moon,                        
You'd see her down on the pontoon,                          
With some new young stud,                                   
A-pummelling her pud,                                       
At it in morn, night and noon.                              
                                                            
64419 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



But here fairy tales go astray.                             
"Forever"'s a very long way.                                
She's now seventy one,                                      
Fifty years gone and done,                                  
Shagged out, and can no longer play.                        
                                                            
64420 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



So lads, if to Monte you go,                                
For the Rally, or for a strip show,                         
There at the stage door,                                    
Is a raddled old whore,                                     
Keep clear folks, you don't want to know.                   
                                                            
64421 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Tiddy Ogg                



Ten guys and an NCAA bracket;                               
They all get in the gambling racket.                        
They make pools using seeds                                 
But we know where this leads:                               
One man with dough and nine who lack it.                    
                                                            
64422 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Screwball McGoo          



I drive a white Ford Granada;                               
It's part of a rolling armada                               
I won with my straight;                                     
Beat a hand with three eights                               
Playing poker one night in Nevada.                          
                                                            
64423 SPORTS - GAMBLING              ROE                      



The gent then ran to Atlantic City,                         
Where, sorry to say, more's the pity.                       
After losing a bet                                          
On a game of roulette,                                      
He couldn't even afford to feel titty.                      
                                                            
64424 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Arden                    



There was a young gambler named Denny,                      
Who lost all his cash to the penny.                         
Said the winner with gall,                                  
"You cannot win them all."                                  
Said the loser, "I have not won any!"                       
                                                            
64425 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2538



There once was a gay caballero,                             
Who wanted to make some dinero.                             
He went up to Reno                                          
And won playing Keno,                                       
But then lost it all playing Faro.                          
                                                            
64426 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Popsicle           TP9806



A silly young fellow named Gino                             
Saw lambs in a verdant spring scene, oh.                    
As they frolicked and scrambled,                            
He was told that they gamboled;                             
So he asked, "Do they do it in Reno?"                       
                                                            
64427 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Charmorr                 



My favorite game is roulette.                               
I can't wait to place my first bet.                         
But please stop the press!                                  
I have to digress,                                          
Because my sweet baby's all wet.                            
                                                            
64428 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Al Willis           P9511



A comely young gambler from Kiev                            
Can hide any card up her sleeve.                            
While the Bolsheviki                                        
Will say "Nyet" to the lie,                                 
Some cheating's OK, they believe.                           
                                                            
64429 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Jim Weaver Collection    



A Tyre man was not destituter                               
By barber or Lotto computer,                                
To trade half his ticket                                    
For shaving his thicket...                                  
But wished he'd stayed two times hirsuter.                  
                                                            
64430 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Prof M-G                 



A gambler in debt far too deep,                             
Was in need of a way to live cheap.                         
So he planted by hand                                       
Lots of crops on his land.                                  
Now he just has to weed 'em and reap!                       
                                                            
64431 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Graham Lester            



Casino gambling, Wall Street ventures,                      
Parenthood, and web page censors.                           
Life's a gamble, don't you see?                             
Fate will be what will be;                                  
Be it love, pain, or the odd adventures.                    
                                                            
64432 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Lynn Mostafa             



While placing another bet down,                             
The gambler remarked with a frown,                          
"Yes, I know the wheel's fixed,                             
But my feelings are mixed,                                  
For there's no other wheel in this town."                   
                                                            
64433 SPORTS - GAMBLING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2553



One summer, the sun did not shine                           
On my father, a golfer divine.                              
He hoped and he prayed                                      
But his balls always strayed                                
In the water--dagnabbit!--on nine.                          
                                                            
64434 SPORTS - GOLF                  Paula Pape-Lipson   P9308



When that duffer started to dance,                          
One day as he took up his stance,                           
While holding his putter,                                   
He said with a stutter,                                     
"My God, I've got ants in me pants"                         
                                                            
64435 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



A greens-keeping girl named Joanna                          
Just hated the grass called Poa anua.                       
I'll tell it true to you                                    
It's worse than Kikuyku;                                    
I kill it whenever I canna.                                 
                                                            
64436 SPORTS - GOLF                  Rick Limmer         P9606



Billy Graham says the good Lord attends                     
To his prayers except when he unbends                       
To break his routine                                        
And gets on the green                                       
To play golf with some of his friends.                      
                                                            
64437 SPORTS - GOLF                  A. N. Wilkins       P9008



A foursome playing golf up in Dwight                        
Were all blind so they held up C Flight.                    
Said the foursome behind them,                              
"The staff should remind them                               
To play all their rounds in the night."                     
                                                            
64438 SPORTS - GOLF                  Thomas Patton       P0306



A young lady whose surname was Binks                        
Went out for a walk on the Links;                           
When a young man shouted "Fore,"                            
She observed, "What a bore,                                 
To go home foursome tee when there's drinks."               
                                                            
64439 SPORTS - GOLF                  Anon Punch 1920   (Bibby)



You must get it up, to begin,                               
Or else, you will not get it in.                            
Here, I'll show you how,                                    
If you will allow,                                          
Keep your head down and aim for the pin!                    
                                                            
64440 SPORTS - GOLF                  Al Willis                



My son Bob was a pro-golfer's caddie;                       
It cured him of being a baddy.                              
It kept him quite fit,                                      
But the best part of it,                                    
When he won, he was Bob's sugar daddy.                      
                                                            
64441 SPORTS - GOLF                  Arthur Pattaffy          



This young Irish golfer named Paddy                         
Was (sooner than thought), made a daddy.                    
He said to his wife:                                        
"He'll work all his life,                                   
For food and shelter as my caddy."                          
                                                            
64442 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



One day, as young Paddy was faxing                          
An order, his offspring was 'laxing.                        
Says Pat, "I'm your daddy.                                  
And you're my wee caddy,                                    
So wash up those balls and get waxing.                      
                                                            
64443 SPORTS - GOLF                  Liam na Beag             



A ball-washing caddy is nice,                               
And one who will wash them is twice                         
As nice, but it's cold,                                     
And since I am old,                                         
My ball are all covered in ice.                             
                                                            
64444 SPORTS - GOLF                  Travis Brasell           



The lake is green, the grass is brown,                      
Something stinky makes you frown.                           
Cats left craps                                             
In all the traps                                            
And London Bridge is falling down.                          
                                                            
64445 SPORTS - GOLF                  Rick Limmer         P9606



Seems that one of Bill's challenges falls;                  
"He broke eighty", the young caddy calls.                   
Though with details spared,                                 
A young lady has shared,                                    
That for luck she had kissed Willy's balls.                 
                                                            
64446 SPORTS - GOLF                  Jim Weaver Collection    



In general, the golfing fraternity                          
Suffers collective infirmity;                               
Something amiss                                             
With the thing that they piss;                              
Unsure of their offspring's paternity.                      
                                                            
64447 SPORTS - GOLF                  Peter Wilkins            



Get our your guns, 'cause I've had enough.                  
They pissed in our lake and they crapped in our rough.      
But what will we do                                         
With the dead when we're through?                           
I never eat coot 'cause it's stringy and tough.             
                                                            
64448 SPORTS - GOLF                  Rick Limmer              



Golfers cuss all day long 'til they're hoarse.              
I don't like it; to me it's the source                      
Of a peeve; drives me mad;                                  
Tees me off; it's so sad.                                   
The rough language is par for the coarse.                   
                                                            
64449 SPORTS - GOLF                  Kirk Miller              



A golfer who came from Nantucket                            
Protected his balls with a bucket.                          
For one time, thoughtlessly,                                
He set one on a tee                                         
And he drove it a mile when he struck it.                   
                                                            
64450 SPORTS - GOLF                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1807



The umpires have plenty to say, sir,                        
Concerning golfs rules of fair play, sir.                   
But lots of them show                                       
Dealing ethics a blow --                                    
Their pencils come with an eraser.                          
                                                            
64451 SPORTS - GOLF                  John E Mayhood      P2006



Young Tiger, the ultimate pro,                              
Took a major blow to his ego...                             
While playing the Masters,                                  
He met with disasters,                                      
And blew shots at three in a row!                           
                                                            
64452 SPORTS - GOLF                  Observer                 



I used to play golf once, and I'm                           
Quite sure, at the dreaded hole 9,                          
Dark forces existed.                                        
My ball's flight path twisted...                            
Got lost in the pond, every time.                           
                                                            
64453 SPORTS - GOLF                  Tiddy Ogg                



You hit the poor ball much too soft;                        
It got tangled in those winds aloft.                        
Especially on 9,                                            
Where the winds really whine.                               
'Tis the bane of beginning golf, oft.                       
                                                            
64454 SPORTS - GOLF                  Liam na Beag             



A golf club's greenskeeper recalls,                         
When an asinine novice named Wrawls                         
Was laid up for a spell,                                    
With sore knees when he fell                                
From the unit that's used to wash balls.                    
                                                            
64455 SPORTS - GOLF                  Bob Giandomenico    P9703



A prize-winning golfer was Stokes;                          
His wife taught him golf just for jokes.                    
He learned golf by doing;                                   
The same as in screwing,                                    
Which he finished in very few strokes.                      
                                                            
64456 SPORTS - GOLF                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0764



In a contest for jacking off folks,                         
Five golfers, the top seeded blokes,                        
Were all matched in the race                                
To determine first place                                    
Who would come in the fewest of strokes.                    
                                                            
64457 SPORTS - GOLF                  Albin Chaplin            



There was a young golfer named Stokes;                      
His game was the topic of jokes.                            
With his wife he won fame                                   
For a much better game,                                     
When he finished in twenty-four strokes.                    
                                                            
64458 SPORTS - GOLF                  Albin Chaplin       P8306



My golf game I called recreation;                           
It turned out to be pure frustration.                       
So, as of this day                                          
I'll no longer play;                                        
I've replaced it with self-flagellation                     
                                                            
64459 SPORTS - GOLF                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



"I don't think I am able at all                             
To hit it," said Lucy McCall,                               
To the golfer she'd met,                                    
As he showed her his set,                                   
"But I think I can fondle your ball."                       
                                                            
64460 SPORTS - GOLF                  Karl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309



Golf is a game I adore,                                     
If only they didn't keep score.                             
My drives go acurving,                                      
My putting's disturbing,                                    
And "Fuck!" gives no warning like "Fore!"                   
                                                            
64461 SPORTS - GOLF                  Nick Scales              



A golfer, who sought to survive                             
With grit, determination, and drive,                        
"Inflation", he'd claim,                                    
"Is affecting my game,                                      
I used to shout 'fore', now it's 'five'".                   
                                                            
64462 SPORTS - GOLF                  E Burns                  



I was having some soup at the Nineteenth Hole,              
When I found an old tee at the bottom of my bowl.           
It was dirty and split                                      
And it tasted like shit,                                    
But it showed my that Cookie has golf in his soul.          
                                                            
64463 SPORTS - GOLF                  Rick Limmer              



There once was a young golfing star,                        
Who drove an enormous big car.                              
Many birdies he got                                         
To keep his clubs hot;                                      
His performance stayed way above par.                       
                                                            
64464 SPORTS - GOLF                  Jayne                    



A principled man is he                                      
Who knows his priority.                                     
If it's the right season,                                   
Regardless of reason,                                       
He leaves early to hit the first tee!                       
                                                            
64465 SPORTS - GOLF                  honoring Jim Gawtry      



At a golf course beside Lake Louise,                        
A lady too anxious to please,                               
Curled up in a ball                                         
And while offering all,                                     
Was lambasted from one of the tees.                         
                                                            
64466 SPORTS - GOLF                  Hugh Oliver           95a



A golfer when totalling his score                           
Was hit hard, with a ball, on the jaw.                      
He said he would sue                                        
For a thousand or two;                                      
Said "accepted", when he heard a shout, "fore!"             
                                                            
64467 SPORTS - GOLF                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A slow golfer just ready to tee,                            
Wasn't sure where the next green could be.                  
But his caddy said, "Drive,                                 
Or before we arrive,                                        
The green will be too dark to see."                         
                                                            
64468 SPORTS - GOLF                  Warrick Elrod            



While Fred was still clippin' a button,                     
Miss Mary was snippin' and cuttin'.                         
He glanced over his shoulder                                
And quite curtly told her                                   
"I'd rather be chippin' and puttin'."                       
(lovely rhyme scheme - McW)                                 
64469 SPORTS - GOLF                  Bob Badger               



Hands together, grip firm but not tight;                    
Left arm away, they follow through right.                   
Shoulders turn with smooth pace;                            
Hips to ball win the race.                                  
Close eyes and then whack it with might!                    
                                                            
64470 SPORTS - GOLF                  Goin2later               



There was a young girl at Bryn Mawr                         
Who could hit a golf ball so far,                           
Her coach said: "You're                                     
Going to join the Tour.                                     
Your scores are so far under par."                          
                                                            
64471 SPORTS - GOLF                  Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



A golf-loving busman from Leigh                             
On a day off, found a lass at a tee.                        
They created a scene                                        
When he said, on the green,                                 
"Oh please leave the driving to me."                        
                                                            
64472 SPORTS - GOLF                  Macsam                   



A golfer says it drives him nuts,                           
To play with the country club sluts.                        
Though at each hole he strives,                             
To surpass them on drives,                                  
He always gets licked on the putz.                          
                                                            
64473 SPORTS - GOLF                  Bob Giandomenico    P9511



Tom's first time out swingin' away;                         
His balls just kept going astray.                           
He hit two by me;                                           
Later said, "D'ya see                                       
My balls on the golf course today?"                         
                                                            
64474 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



I looked at him with a straight face                        
And I said "No, Tom, not a trace.                           
Now how would it be                                         
If your balls I should see.                                 
Were you in that much of a haste?"                          
                                                            
64475 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



"When you left your house this morning,                     
Did you forget all adorning?                                
Did you go and duff                                         
Out there in the buff?                                      
Next time, give me a fair warning!"                         
                                                            
64476 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



A golfer from old Aberdeen                                  
Had a swing that you never had seen.                        
When he hit for the ball,                                   
He lost the control,                                        
And swinged HIMSELF up on the green.                        
                                                            
64477 SPORTS - GOLF                  Lims For Year - 01       



Gerry's spastic right hand                                  
Is always touching his gland.                               
His golf scores are lousy,                                  
Since he's so often drowsy                                  
From wanking, as I understand.                              
                                                            
64478 SPORTS - GOLF                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A duffer who hailed from Calcutta                           
Would coat all his golf tees with butter.                   
On long fairway crawls,                                     
He'd smear jam on his balls,                                
And pour marmalade on his putter.                           
                                                            
64479 SPORTS - GOLF                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Tiger said, "A martinus for me.                             
If you please, bring it out by the tee,                     
The bar maid said, "Absurd,                                 
Sir! Martini's the word!"                                   
"No. Just one. For I'm driving, you see."                   
                                                            
64480 SPORTS - GOLF                  Bill Nesbit         P0011



He's no longer famed for his hard on                        
Or his lies about holes he's pared on.                      
Now the guys like Marc Rich;                                
Give the son of a bitch                                     
Gobs of cash and then beg his pardon.                       
                                                            
64481 SPORTS - GOLF                  Tom Patton          P0106



On courses where players are many,                          
I've seen golfers lined up more than twenty.                
Good golfers uphold,                                        
15 minutes per hole,                                        
So an hour and three quarters is plenty.                    
                                                            
64482 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



"I got new golf clubs for my wife,                          
And now I've a new lease on my life.                        
I'm real happy, Ned."                                       
And then my friend said,                                    
"A good swap, my friend, no more strife!"                   
                                                            
64483 SPORTS - GOLF                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Is there a time limit when playing a round on               
Your course, which I've heard is well trod on?              
There'll be no surprises,                                   
When my putter arises,                                      
To challenge what others worked hard on.                    
                                                            
64484 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



My golf swings turned into a joke.                          
Can't pitch, chip, or putt, I just poke.                    
My rhythm's a spasm,                                        
Like men at orgasm;                                         
No tempo or pace to the stroke.                             
                                                            
64485 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



Like some Scots, he hits the white ball                     
Over courses, well into the Fall.                           
He'd probably go                                            
To play in the snow,                                        
But the golf cart would freeze up and stall.                
                                                            
64486 SPORTS - GOLF                  Jim Weaver Collection    



With all that's been done for the game,                     
My golf score is still much the same.                       
The sad part for me                                         
Is that technology                                          
Has left me with nothing to blame.                          
                                                            
64487 SPORTS - GOLF                  Buck                T9710



So you can advance if you choose.                           
As for me, I flat out refuse.                               
I'll use the old stuff,                                     
As I hack through the rough,                                
But at least I'll still have an excuse.                     
                                                            
64488 SPORTS - GOLF                  Buck                T9710



O.J. Simpson approached Heidi Fleiss,                       
And suggested some golf might be nice.                      
"I'm not sure I agree,"                                     
Heidi said, "For you see,                                   
I'm a hooker and you got a bad slice."                      
                                                            
64489 SPORTS - GOLF                  Bob Giandomenico    P9501



There was a young golfer named Morse                        
Who spent all his time on the course.                       
He knew well how to pivot                                   
And dig out a divot,                                        
As he rounded the green on his horse.                       
                                                            
64490 SPORTS - GOLF                  Albin Chaplin       P8306



An ostrich who liked to play golf                           
Got tired of hearing men scoff.                             
When they asked, "Do you stand                              
With your head in the sand?"                                
The reply from the bird was, "Fuck olf!"                    
                                                            
64491 SPORTS - GOLF                  Neal Wilgus         P8307



In layers of clothes I feel lumpy.                          
"My God!"  In the mirror I'm frumpy.                        
I like best playing sports,                                 
Golfing outdoors in shorts,                                 
Deprived of those, then I get grumpy.                       
                                                            
64492 SPORTS - GOLF                  Goin2later               



Said the golfer, "You say you want more                     
Of the beer that I bought at the store?                     
I think I am able                                           
To stretch 'cross the table;                                
If I spill say, 'You missed a far pour.'"                   
                                                            
64493 SPORTS - GOLF                  Tom Patton          P0800



The foursome before us is lolling along.                    
The foursome behind us just burst into song.                
They're a lovely quartet,                                   
But the Marshal's upset,                                    
And my partner's asleep at the tee here so long.            
                                                            
64494 SPORTS - GOLF                  Rick Limmer              



Last December a golfer named Lee,                           
On a short hole, sliced into a tree.                        
When a quail hit the air,                                   
Lee yelled, "Looky there!                                   
A partridge within a par three!"                            
                                                            
64495 SPORTS - GOLF                                      P8306



There once was a golfer named Dennis;                       
His drives on the course were a menace.                     
He asked the wise pro                                       
How to make his score low.                                  
The pro said, "You ought to play tennis."                   
                                                            
64496 SPORTS - GOLF                  Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



A lady named Boots McFlynn                                  
Plays golf peeled down to the skin.                         
No one can recall                                           
If she hits the ball,                                       
Or whether her putts go in!                                 
                                                            
64497 SPORTS - GOLF                  Joe James           P0209



Of golf I know little at all,                               
Except that you chase a white ball.                         
While practicing cursing,                                   
Your temper reversing;                                      
And they call "playing"?  What gall!                        
                                                            
64498 SPORTS - GOLF                  Cynthia MacGregor        



There was a young golfer named Gene                         
Who invented a putting machine.                             
It would putt left or right,                                
But try as he might,                                        
It just never would putt in between.                        
                                                            
64499 SPORTS - GOLF                  Al Chaplin          P0304



My lover is golfing worst duf-                              
fer, but oft, when the lie is too tough,                    
It tickles our fancies                                      
To take off our pantsies                                    
For a romp in the raw in the rough.                         
                                                            
64500 SPORTS - GOLF                  Robin K. Willoughby P8312



A lonely golf widow named Sutter                            
Used to diddle herself with a putter,                       
First washing it clean                                      
To protect her machine,                                     
Then oiling with real country butter.                       
                                                            
64501 SPORTS - GOLF                  Grand Prix Lim  127 G2211



There was a young golfer named Huff                         
Who had an affair with Miss Duff.                           
He should have thought twice                                
For he hooked a bad slice,                                  
And he found himself out in the rough.                      
                                                            
64502 SPORTS - GOLF                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2115



A round-heeled young golfer named Booker                    
Is someone pros love -- a real looker;                      
"My problem with balls;                                     
I stroke 'em," she drawls,                                  
"But pull to the left -- I'm a hooker."                     
                                                            
64503 SPORTS - GOLF                  Armand E Singer       741



A golf-TYRO, I, and quite rank;                             
Put ball in a watery bank.                                  
In sand traps I lay,                                        
So far from fairway,                                        
Results of each slice and bad shank.                        
                                                            
64504 SPORTS - GOLF                  Chris Papa               



A competitive golfer named Moorhead,                        
In loosing was truly a sorehead;                            
He'd let out a scream,                                      
And his nostrils would steam,                               
And the veins would pop out in his forehead.                
                                                            
64505 SPORTS - GOLF                  Cap'n Bean               



"I was just playing golf, you see,                          
And was suddenly stung by a bee."                           
"Where was this?" asked the pro;                            
"'Twixt the first and second hole."                         
"You need to stand closer to the tee."                      
                                                            
64506 SPORTS - GOLF                  Tom Accousti             



The PGA tourney's now done.                                 
Garcia was just having fun,                                 
But Tiger's ball striking                                   
Was much to his liking;                                     
He squeeked to a win by just one.                           
                                                            
64507 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



Eying the straight-from-the-tee line,                       
I usually drive in a beeline;                               
Precision is my key.                                        
I'm sponsored by Nike                                       
And named for a big stripy feline.                          
                                                            
64508 SPORTS - GOLF                  Henry Hook          P0202



In the land of kilts, sporrans, and pipes;                  
What's that roar, as some guy putts and swipes?             
Nineteen strokes below par                                  
To be golf's greatest star?                                 
It's a tiger who's earning his stripes!                     
                                                            
64509 SPORTS - GOLF                  Prof M-G                 



Says the staid PGA, "We insist                              
On this message which some fans have missed.                
If you ask us, we'll say                                    
Since T. Woods came our way,                                
Who would dare say God doesn't exist?"                      
                                                            
64510 SPORTS - GOLF                  Loren Fitzhugh      P0900



He's seldom in also-ran places.                             
He meets every challenge he faces.                          
Caucasion and Negroid                                       
And majority Mongoloid,                                     
He's a credit to all of his races.                          
                                                            
64511 SPORTS - GOLF                  DC Dave                  



I really can't help but abhore                              
This mention of race.  It's a bore.                         
The race I endorse                                          
Out on the golf course,                                     
Is the race to equal his score.                             
                                                            
64512 SPORTS - GOLF                  Frank Fazed              



I'm sending out invites to dinner,                          
To every old pro and beginner.                              
We'll have celebration                                      
And standing ovation                                        
For Tiger Woods -- he's a real winner!                      
                                                            
64513 SPORTS - GOLF                  Scott                    



Johnnie Miller was Jackson Hole bound;                      
Rodham planned a surprise quite profound.                   
But Bill misunderstood,                                     
And was off to no good;                                     
She insisted that he play a round.                          
                                                            
64514 SPORTS - GOLF                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A macho man golfer named Gus,                               
Braving canyon winds, ninety knots plus,                    
Hit one up in the sky,                                      
To the freeway -- bye bye.                                  
Took out sixteen cars and a bus.                            
                                                            
64515 SPORTS - GOLF                  Rick Limmer              



The was an old golfer named Burl                            
Whose fifteen-inch crank had a curl.                        
He swung it just right                                      
With all of his might,                                      
And holed both his balls in one twirl.                      
                                                            
64516 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



A caddie whose name was Miss Dit                            
Was helping the golfer a bit;                               
No tees did he pack,                                        
So she laid on her back,                                    
And he set up his balls on her tit.                         
                                                            
64517 SPORTS - GOLF                  Cap'n Bean          P0900



A helpess young golfer named Ray                            
Is involved with a frigid girl, Fay.                        
A miserable linking                                         
Which drives him to drinking,                               
For she's an unpliable lay.                                 
                                                            
64518 SPORTS - GOLF                  Bob Giandomenico    P9410



The keen golfer grew very irate                             
As he steadied to drive at hole eight.                      
The young players before him,                               
Appeared to ignore him,                                     
As he hollered how long must I wait.                        
                                                            
64519 SPORTS - GOLF                  Arthur Pattaffy          



He'll go 'round the course in his golf-car,                 
Hitting eagles, birdies and par.                            
He may be an old fogey,                                     
But he hits not a bogey,                                    
And he's really well known in the bar!                      
                                                            
64520 SPORTS - GOLF                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A little old man at Lake Mead                               
Pretended that he was Sam Snead;                            
Kept whacking his balls                                     
In spite of cat-calls,                                      
Which, naturally, he did not heed.                          
                                                            
64521 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



A man lost his membership in                                
A local golf club, when within                              
The course of his round,                                    
He had been found                                           
To be whacking his balls once again.                        
                                                            
64522 SPORTS - GOLF                                           



A golfer went right up the wall                             
Whenever he'd sideswipe the ball.                           
Friends said he should go                                   
For advise to a pro,                                        
But he didn't know which protocol.                          
                                                            
64523 SPORTS - GOLF                  Brandy Brandon      P9412



A handsome and winsome young twosome                        
Teed off in the fresh morning dew.  Some                    
Twelve hours gone,                                          
He returned all alone,                                      
And said, "Well, you win some and lose some."               
                                                            
64524 SPORTS - GOLF                  Laurence Perrine    P8306



I was kicking the ball with my toe,                         
In a divot the size of St. Joe,                             
When a voice from the sky,                                  
Boomed "Although it's July,                                 
Winter rules still apply. Who will know."                   
                                                            
64525 SPORTS - GOLF                  Rick Limmer         P9606



A golfer once heard his wife mutter                         
In tones that were dripping with butter,                    
"You silly old duff,                                        
You're off in the rough!                                    
You can't reach this hole with that putter!"                
                                                            
64526 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Norm Storer              



He answered, "That's not it at all;                         
There's no need to stir up a brawl.                         
But what would you say                                      
If you had to play                                          
Eighteen holes with just one little ball?"                  
                                                            
64527 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Norm Storer              



A golfer with an enormous putter,                           
Caused the rest of his foursome to st-t-t-tutter;           
But was knocked down to size,                               
When he used his prize,                                     
To putt in the hole of another.                             
                                                            
64528 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



He'd met a young lassie, so fine,                           
And managed to sneak up behind,                             
To give 77 strokes,                                         
But he was nearly heartbroke,                               
'Cause par on this course is 69.                            
                                                            
64529 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



"You must think me a terrible bore,                         
For coming so high above score.                             
It was much worse than bogie,                               
Or a Presidents stogie.                                     
On the bright side, I did get eight (ate) more."            
                                                            
64530 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



"A 77 on the front is not bad;                              
It's one of the best rounds I've had.                       
But if you've got the time,                                 
Let's play the back nine,                                   
It plays a bit tighter a tad."                              
                                                            
64531 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



A golfer named Terrance McCutter                            
Had a caddy that tended to stutter.                         
The caddy, quite keen,                                      
Said, "You're on the g-green.                               
Here's yours p-p-p-p-p-p-putter."                           
                                                            
64532 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Cap'n Bean          P0110



Here's something that really appalls:                       
A wealthy golf pro made some calls,                         
And hired a new caddy,                                      
A small girl named Mattie,                                  
To carry his big bag and balls.                             
                                                            
64533 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



A newly-wed golf pro named Sutter                           
Looked down at his prick, soft as butter;                   
He proved impotent, true,                                   
But he knew what to do:                                     
Deflowered his bride with his putter.                       
                                                            
64534 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Armand E Singer       710



A golfer who came from Calcutta                             
Had thoughts much to pungent to utter.                      
When his wife he once found                                 
Ere commencing a round,                                     
Sitting diddling herself with his putter.                   
                                                            
64535 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Anon                G2097



From his golf bag there issued a mutter,                    
Then a gasp was choked out with a splutter.                 
He'd been one on the green,                                 
But holed out at sixteen,                                   
And his driver had strangled his putter.                    
                                                            
64536 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Laurence Perrine    P8306



When a golf game is played at its best,                     
It demands a touch that's finessed.                         
With shaft firm, but not tight,                             
Drivers' head guides the flight;                            
Hole the ball; give that putter a rest.                     
                                                            
64537 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



There's the blaster, the jiggler and baffy,                 
The bulger, the niblick and mashie,                         
But the choice for your balls                               
In the sport that enthralls;                                
I suggest you leave up to your lassie.                      
                                                            
64538 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Tutta Gioa               



"Honey, if I were to become dead,                           
Do you think that you would rewed?                          
Would you let your new wife                                 
When you start your new life,                               
Wear my jewelry and sleep in my bed?"                       
                                                            
64539 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Tom Accousti             



"Would she wear my fur coat and my rings?                   
Drive my car and change all of my things?                   
Us my spa for a rub,                                        
Play some golf with my clubs,                               
And redecorate all of our things."                          
                                                            
64540 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Tom Accousti             



"Well, you'd expect that she, now as my wife,               
Would want us to have our own life.                         
And as far as it goes,                                      
If she wore your clothes,                                   
Well, you won't need then in the afterlife.                 
                                                            
64541 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Tom Accousti             



"She'd sleep with me in the bed and                         
Drive your custom made mini-van.                            
But your clubs?  Have no fear."                             
"And why is that, dear?"                                    
"Her own set is for the left hand."                         
                                                            
64542 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Tom Accousti             



A golfer who came from Calcutta                             
Said: "Please don't think me a nutter.                      
If I try the long haul,                                     
I just lose the ball,                                       
So I play every stroke with the putter."                    
                                                            
64543 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



There was a young golfer at Troon                           
Who always played golf with a spoon.                        
"It's handy," said he,                                      
"For the brandy, you see,                                   
Should anyone happen to swoon."                             
                                                            
64544 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Linda Marsh Coll         



My driver is here in my pants.                              
My putter's the bulge in my stance.                         
A nice walk diluted,                                        
Sam Clemens imputed.                                        
My shaft and head favors romance.                           
                                                            
64545 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          H Welchel                



There was an old golfer named Blake,                        
Who had a decision to make.                                 
When he posted a score                                      
Of one twenty-four,                                         
He threw his clubs into the lake.                           
                                                            
64546 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



A cheerful young golfer named Krock,                        
Gave his tee shot a hundred-yard sock.                      
It doesn't sound far                                        
To a man who shoots par,                                    
But 'twas done with the end of his cock.                    
                                                            
64547 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS                                   



A horny old golfer named Randy,                             
Liked women whose snatches were sandy.                      
When asked by the pro                                       
Why he'd want one just so,                                  
He replied, "I've a nine iron handy."                       
                                                            
64548 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Jeffrey Beeton           



A beautiful drive made by Byron                             
Went straight for the hole of a siren.                      
He did not see the trap                                     
And got caught in the crap,                                 
But got out with his number nine iron.                      
                                                            
64549 SPORTS - GOLF - CLUBS          Albin Chaplin   3024-1980



Fred's heart attack, while on the links,                    
Was tragic and painful, methinks.                           
It was on hole thirteen                                     
At the edge of the green.                                   
We dragged him five holes and had drinks.                   
                                                            
64550 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Al Willis                



A stroke from this golfing old Fogey,                       
Killed a guy who was eating a hoagie.                       
He finished the hole,                                       
Ate the meal on a roll,                                     
And blamed the dead guy for his bogey.                      
                                                            
64551 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          JCH                 T9801



Heart attack Fred drank gin                                 
While he chewed on a bottle of aspirin.                     
Then retrieving his driver,                                 
Whacked the final ball higher,                              
And went to his fate with a grin.                           
                                                            
64552 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Sarah S.                 



There was a young lady named Heather,                       
Who golfed in all kinds of weather.                         
She teed off one morn,                                      
In an electrical storm,                                     
Now they're trying to put Heather together.                 
                                                            
64553 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Aurdry Conklin      P9208



He forced us to solemnly pledge                             
To bury his clubs at the edge                               
Of the latch of his coffin,                                 
'Cause he said, "It's like golfin'.                         
I'll escape any trap with my wedge."                        
                                                            
64554 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Badger57                 



I've hacked many divots from tees;                          
I've pulled and sliced balls into trees.                    
I've had plenty fun,                                        
But now that it's done,                                     
It's others will pay these green fees.                      
                                                            
64555 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Tiddy                    



Before death my uncle would quip,                           
"Please bury me on my left hip;                             
'Cause in that position,                                    
I'll make the transition                                    
From that trap with one single chip!"                       
                                                            
64556 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Travis Brasell           



Dear Uncle has been know to scoff                           
When he shanks his balls into the trough;                   
Now, God rest his soul,                                     
At his final hole,                                          
Dear Uncle is really teed off!                              
                                                            
64557 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Travis Brasell           



Golfing with workmates was a bloke                          
On the fairway, who happened to croak.                      
The pain to his boss,                                       
Was not in the loss,                                        
It was toting him up again after each stroke.               
                                                            
64558 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH                                   



Frank was holding the flag when the lightning struck        
And he looked like a man being hit by a truck.              
With his hair straight as wire,                             
With his pants caught on fire,                              
My putt hit a spike mark and missed -- rotten luck!         
                                                            
64559 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Rick Limmer              



Sam's wife took a lover to bed;                             
With his putter Sam splintered her head.                    
Said the wise old judge Chase                               
After hearing the case,                                     
I'd have used a nine iron instead.                          
                                                            
64560 SPORTS - GOLF - DEATH          Parker Waterman     P0108



As the pro, you must buy me a drink,                        
For the hole-in-one that I did sink.                        
And as for my stance,                                       
I can tell from a glance,                                   
Any gap is too large for your dink.                         
                                                            
64561 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE                             



While cuddled up under the blanket,                         
Watching golf, we saw Tiger Woods spank it.                 
"A nice hole in one,"                                       
Said my girl, "Would be fun..."                             
So I gave her a try -- and I sank it!                       
                                                            
64562 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Crazy Legs          T9801



Shall we play some golf at Troon.                           
We're sure to be finished by noon.                          
And when it's all over,                                     
We'll roll in the clover.                                   
(I may score a hole-in-one soon.)                           
                                                            
64563 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Archie                   



There was a golf widow named Dunn                           
Who said, "Hubby don't have all the fun!                    
While he's chasing the ball                                 
I have male friends who call...                             
And they all make a fast hole in one!"                      
                                                            
64564 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Grand Prix Lim   40      



While golfing, I try this for fun:                          
Wearing two pair of trousers, not one.                      
And answering questionaires                                 
Like "Why the two pairs?"                                   
I reply "In case of a hole-in-one."                         
                                                            
64565 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Funny Bone               



I tell you sometimes it's no fun                            
When wearing two pants and not one...                       
But although I was baggy,                                   
All baggy and saggy,                                        
I played this ass-hole and I won!                           
                                                            
64566 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Tutta                    



There was a young golfer from Lincs,                        
Whose caddy was a bit of a minx!                            
He hit a hole in one,                                       
And then said this is fun.                                  
I thought she'd be a bit of a jinx!                         
                                                            
64567 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Arthur Pattaffy          



As a golfer, he'll harden his bun                           
When you're stripped for coitional fun,                     
And with a stiff stroke,        (To the duffer's delight,)  
Spread your hips for the poke,  (For once he'll aim right)  
And make his first real hole-in-one!                        
                                                            
64568 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE                        G0228



Young Norton, a golfer outstanding,                         
Was called to the priesthood for branding;                  
Vowed to be poor and chaste,                                
Accepted in haste                                           
Order's rule "No Golf" upon landing.                        
                                                            
64569 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Daniel Ford              



Years then passed in his pastor's toque;                    
Reverend Father Norton awoke                                
One gorgeous Sunday,                                        
Decided "Must play!"                                        
Claimed sick to associate bloke.                            
                                                            
64570 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Daniel Ford              



Far away from church goer's eyes,                           
Father Norton teed up his prize.                            
"You suffer this clod?"                                     
St. Peter asked God.                                        
"Guess not," said the Lord amid sighs.                      
                                                            
64571 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Daniel Ford              



Father Norton drove ball true and well,                     
A long ball, into hole it fell,                             
From the clear blue sky.                                    
St. Peter asked "Why!"                                      
Mused God, "Who is he going to tell?"                       
                                                            
64572 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Daniel Ford              



No slice to the left or hook right.                         
Balls sailed with precision in flight.                      
The last drive, holed in one,                               
But the fun had just begun.                                 
His putter looked stiff for the night.                      
                                                            
64573 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE                             



There once was a golfer from Verdun                         
Who was never at all that outdone.                          
To avoid glitches                                           
He brought spare britches                                   
In case he got a hole-in-one.                               
                                                            
64574 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Bob Polecat              



Where golf courses numbered a ton,                          
A thousand girls bathed in the sun                          
And tanned their cute bodies                                
While sipping hot toddies,                                  
But I shot a great hole-in-one!                             
                                                            
64575 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Travis Brasell           



An aging old golf pro named Meyer,                          
At teaching young girls took a flyer.                       
Every day he was seen                                       
Playing games on the green,                                 
Where his hole-in-one average was higher.                   
                                                            
64576 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Albin Chaplin   3024-2192



A horny old golfer for fun,                                 
Made love to his mares on the run.                          
He'd open his kilts,                                        
Dash around on short stilts,                                
And score many a nice hole in one.                          
                                                            
64577 SPORTS - GOLF - HOLE IN ONE    Actaeon                  



Three whores took on nine men at once,                      
In their mouths and their assholes and cunts.               
Only on a golf green                                        
Can generally be seen                                       
Eighteen balls and nine holes at such stunts.               
                                                            
64578 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                           G0711



His tee shot went badly astray                              
And rolled twixt two lovers at play.                        
At first he said, "My!                                      
What a difficult lie!"                                      
Then, "Oh, What a beautiful lay!"                           
                                                            
64579 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Lance Payne         P8306



"Hey! Keep your ball on the short grass,"                   
The golf pro instructed.  Alas!                             
Her Beau said his dong                                      
Likes only grass long,                                      
So his balls got lost on her ass?                           
                                                            
64580 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



Around the clubhouse turn they then snuck,                  
He pulled out his woody and struck.                         
I'm a bit off my game,                                      
Seems my putters gone lame.                                 
Could you kiss my balls for good luck?                      
                                                            
64581 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



He was filled with a profound remorse,                      
For the rulebook she'd surely enforce.                      
"This was your last chance,                                 
To get into my pants.                                       
No Mulligans when playing this course."                     
                                                            
64582 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



Somewhere where the grass is much greener,                  
And the wind and the air so much cleaner,                   
Is a golfer who st-t-t-tutters,                             
'Bout his profound putter.                                  
And a scorecard that shows him a winner!                    
                                                            
64583 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



A lush golfing dolly named Jeanne                           
Was holed-in-one on the ninth green.                        
She cried, "Par for the dubs                                
Is four, but your club's                                    
Broken evey course record I've seen!"                       
(even the intercourse record)                               
64584 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Grand Prix Lim 1001 P9703



There once was a golfer name Leer,                          
Who got put in the clink for a year,                        
For an action obscene,                                      
On the very first green,                                    
Where the sign said "Enter Course Here".                    
                                                            
64585 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



Some men with some girls had some drinks                    
Then nude went to play on the links.                        
One guy cried, "Fore...                                     
Skins we adore!"                                            
The girls laughed as they knelt for highjinks.              
                                                            
64586 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       TuttaGioia               



Each morning they went out to play                          
On a golf course not too far away.                          
They found satisfaction                                     
In two kinds of action:                                     
A good lie, or else a good lay.                             
                                                            
64587 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Laurence Perrine    P8802



A golfer was lost in the rough,                             
When he came on a nice bit of stuff.                        
He said "I can't find the hole."                            
She said "Here, see this mole,                              
Well, an inch or two down there's my muff."                 
                                                            
64588 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



A golfer missed out on his goal,                            
As his putt, it continued to roll.                          
In a way, it was funny;                                     
He thought of a cunny,                                      
And how he could lip out the hole.                          
                                                            
64589 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Anon                     



Two golfers, catching up on hole two,                       
Decided to ask to play through.                             
"Oh, not on my life,                                        
That's my mistress and wife!"                               
"Let me see," said the other; "Mine too!"                   
                                                            
64590 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Tom Accousti             



When a horse-playing golfer named Gray,                     
Balled a girl in the rough one fine day,                    
He found her, though willing,                               
Just barely fulfilling.                                     
"I would rate her", said Gray, "a par lay."                 
                                                            
64591 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



On their honeymoon trip, she recalls,                       
They went to Niagara Falls.                                 
Near a fair grassy knoll,                                   
She showed him her hole,                                    
While she played with his club and his balls.               
                                                            
64592 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Lance Payne         P8306



A cocky young golfer named Blake,                           
On the fourth, made an awful mistake.                       
He caught sight of a blond;                                 
Put his ball in the pond;                                   
Now there's only one birdie to make.                        
                                                            
64593 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Frank Sfa                



More caddies he's had, just for fun.                        
He's played every lie under the sun.                        
The arrogant beaast                                         
Is known as the least,                                      
To have driven a fine hole in one.                          
                                                            
64594 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       John Miller              



Three old chums and a day on the links,                     
Relaxed with a few rounds of drinks.                        
Said one, "If you knew                                      
What I had to go through,                                   
You'd all call me crazy, methinks."                         
                                                            
64595 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Tom Accousti             



"My wife expects to be having a ball;                       
A whole day at the shopping mall.                           
Oh, and here is another                                     
Thing, lunch with her mother.                               
It's a wonder I can get out at all."                        
                                                            
64596 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Tom Accousti             



Said the next, "My wife wants a date                        
For us out on the town and up late.                         
A dinner and then                                           
A movie at ten --                                           
She expects me to remain celibate."                         
                                                            
64597 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Tom Accousti             



Said the third, "My plan was much better.                   
When we woke up, I knew what would get her.                 
I said, 'It's a great day for golfing                       
Or we could spend the day boffing.'                         
She said, 'It's cold out, remember your sweater.'"          
                                                            
64598 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING       Tom Accousti             



Now golf as a game is inane,                                
But I practice my putting with Jane.                        
On the carpet she lies                                      
With her wide-open thighs                                   
And I sink 'em in, time and again.                          
                                                            
64599 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



Though playing in Heather's was tough,                      
I always could hack through her rough.                      
But the size of her gorse                                   
Had me filled with remorse,                                 
'Cause my wedge wasn't lofty enough.                        
                                                            
64600 SPORTS - GOLF - SCREWING                                



Like sled dogs a-mushin'                                    
And sports payrolls a-gushin,                               
The year past                                               
Went so fast.                                               
A look back...by Steve Rushin.                              
(Sports Illustrated 12/28/92 issue)                         
64601 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Wimbleton champ Andre Agassi                                
Was unable to dress so Las Vegassy.                         
O'Brien no-heighted;                                        
Tyson no-fighted;                                           
Ninety-two left quite a legacy:                             
                                                            
64602 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



The fabulous Five from Michigan                             
Hope Duke won't fillet 'em like fish again.                 
The Pens won the cup,                                       
A flag flew downside-up,                                    
And Jordan was granted his wish again.                      
                                                            
64603 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Da Bulls were da NBA champs;                                
Michael lit up da Blazers like lamps.                       
Orlando took Shaq,                                          
Paid him serious jack,                                      
Now he's licking opponents like stamps.                     
                                                            
64604 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Magic and Larry retired,                                    
Admired by those they inspired.                             
And Dan Biasone,                                            
Who'll forever be known                                     
As the Shot-Clock inventor, expired.                        
                                                            
64605 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Al Unser Jr. won Indy,                                      
The Broad Strett Bullies won Lindy,                         
And the lesson they'll teach                                
Now at brisk Pebble Beach                                   
Is a Kite always flies when it's windy.                     
                                                            
64606 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Fay Vincent banished Steve Howe,                            
But somehow Howe never said "Ciao."                         
And the owner Schottzie                                     
Denied she's a Nazi.                                        
For baseball, two kicks in the trou.                        
                                                            
64607 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Super Bowl headline: SKINS WIN IT.                          
It was over within the first minute:                        
Truman T. lost his hat,                                     
And stranger than that,                                     
When he found it, his head was still in it.                 
                                                            
64608 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



In college, who's No. 1 rated?                              
The answer is always debated.                               
The Tide and the 'Canes                                     
Won all of their games                                      
Without having livestock castrated.                         
                                                            
64609 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



The Heisman went to Gino Torretta,                          
But Marshall Faulk, we know you're betta.                   
As for Garrison Hearst,                                     
It could have been worse.                                   
At least he received a letta swetta.                        
                                                            
64610 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Lil E. Tee, phone home.                                     
While you're at it, phone Manon Rheaume.                    
She was in goal                                             
Before you were a foal                                      
Or a gleam in the eye of this poem.                         
                                                            
64611 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Bobby Fisher can never rebut                                
That Fisher's a brand name for nut.                         
Boris looked Badenov,                                       
But he's probably had enough                                
After spending six weeks on his butt.                       
                                                            
64612 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Meanwhile, back at the Samaranch,                           
The Winter Games brought a sport avalanche.                 
LeBlanc and La Bomba,                                       
Foreign words I'll remomba,                                 
As well as those moments from Franche.                      
                                                            
64613 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Chemists call it Au,                                        
Yamaguchi won one and Blair two.                            
Snow fell in the Alps                                       
Like dandruff from scalps;                                  
The peaks ought to use Selsun Blue.                         
                                                            
64614 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



The Games of Summer reigned in Spain,                       
Like Tour de France champ Indurain.                         
TV was disastrous,                                          
Triplecastastrophous.                                       
And Cobi the mascot? Inane.                                 
                                                            
64615 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



After golfing a week in La Jolla,                           
They arrived in the homeland of Goya.                       
The Dream Team said, "Hola,"                                
By pummeling Angola                                         
And won a la Oscar De La Hoya.                              
                                                            
64616 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Activities grave and iniquitous,                            
Made Tyson's absence conspicuous.                           
When heavyweights dueled                                    
For the belts so bejeweled,                                 
Who won? Don't be Riddickulous.                             
                                                            
64617 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



My rusty math should be lubed,                              
How much for America cubed?                                 
Not to mention those countdowns,                            
The Brett-and the Yount-downs.                              
Do you figure fan interest accrued?                         
                                                            
64618 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



King Richard Petty ruled NASCAR                             
As the French used to Madagascar.                           
When the King abdicated,                                    
His successor awaited:                                      
Canseco again drove a fast car.                             
                                                            
64619 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Atlanta was best known for Tara,                            
Then along came Frankie Cabrera.                            
But the Great White North                                   
Won the Series, of courth.                                  
It could not have been faira or squara.                     
                                                            
64620 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Not so for some Filipinos,                                  
Thought not to be in their teenos.                          
Little Leaguers got trounced,                               
Then officials announced,                                   
"Those kids weren't kids, far as we knows.                  
                                                            
64621 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



How to make a subpoena colada:                              
Take McCarver, then just add ice wada.                      
Though Deion was rude,                                      
Timmy never sued.                                           
Hey, McCarver, I still think you oughta.                    
                                                            
64622 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



Why, in the name of Jehovah,                                
Did Conners play Navratilova?                               
A thoracic disk                                             
Put Gretsky at risk,                                        
And Bonds was rolling in clova.                             
                                                            
64623 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



When football's Plan B was illegalized,                     
Keith Jackson was quickly il-Eagleized.                     
Baseball's Giants stayed put,                               
But they rendered kaput                                     
Roger Craig and his sad, baggy beagle eyes.                 
                                                            
64624 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



May the New Year erase all your cares.                      
May you ever be sunny, and share                            
All that you've got                                         
With those who have not                                     
And keep Dennis Byrd in your prayers.                       
                                                            
64625 SPORTS - HISTORY               Steve Rushin        P9303



There once was a lineman named Blaine                       
Who, preparing for the championship game,                   
Said, tying his shoes,                                      
"It's not win or lose,                                      
It's who's gonna catch all the blame."                      
                                                            
64626 SPORTS - HISTORY               Dr Limerick              



That ol' Talco Texan now croons                             
And plays some slow boot-scootin' tunes;                    
But he love the sounds                                      
Of his mongrel hounds,                                      
When he's out at night huntin' 'coons!                      
                                                            
64627 SPORTS - HUNTING                                        



A deer hunter searches for scat;                            
His hounds catch the scent of the 'flat'.                   
By eliminations                                             
They find the deer stations --                              
They have the whole business down pat.                      
                                                            
64628 SPORTS - HUNTING               Amego               P9911



A rich sportsman had a wonderful gun;                       
He loved to shoot beasts on the run.                        
At an extravagent cost,                                     
He had the barrels embossed;                                
To him hunting and shooting were fun.                       
                                                            
64629 SPORTS - HUNTING               Arthur Pattaffy          



Conservationist Jonathan Wheat                              
Always thought hunting deer a neat treat.                   
For weeks he lay supine                                     
After crushing his spine                                    
When he fell from his hunters' tree seat.                   
                                                            
64630 SPORTS - HUNTING               Loren Fitzhugh      P0312



Yip, Yip, gadzooks, tally ho!                               
A-hunting again we will go.                                 
We'll chase those damn foxes,                               
Over fields, hills and rockses,                             
And have us some sport, don't you know.                     
                                                            
64631 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



The sound of the baying of hounds,                          
Will echo for miles around.                                 
Then they'll get a view                                     
And we'll shout "Halloo!"                                   
And notes from the bugle will sound.                        
                                                            
64632 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



The foxes enjoy a good run,                                 
And giving the gentry some fun.                             
A ride of this sort                                         
Is such pleasant sport,                                     
Far better than poison or gun.                              
                                                            
64633 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



The vermin, they must be controlled,                        
And using the methods of old,                               
Will give us good cheer,                                    
But these days I fear,                                      
The modern wimp townies will scold.                         
                                                            
64634 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



Of course this is all a preamble,                           
To having a whiskey-laced gambol,                           
With young Lady Lydia,                                      
Who goes, I don't kid ya,                                   
Like a thresher, when in bed we scramble.                   
                                                            
64635 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



Her strong firm equestrian thighs;                          
Their grip as I bury my prize,                              
Into her hunt cup!                                          
She's ripe for a tup.                                       
And sweeter than hounds are her cries.                      
                                                            
64636 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



I'm sorry, I don't like the chase,                          
In this day and age there's no place                        
For barbaric killing                                        
With hounds madly milling;                                  
The saboteurs have a good case.                             
                                                            
64637 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



A hunter's a toffee nose snob                               
Awaiting a punch in the gob.                                
A townie I be;                                              
A veggie you see                                            
And an animal's life I shan't rob.                          
                                                            
64638 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



To they think that they call this a sport;                  
The Greenies will see you in court.                         
They will win one day.                                      
You're not getting your way,                                
So fox hunting I will not suupport.                         
                                                            
64639 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



Save all the animals! you bleat.                            
All the killing has got you in heat.                        
But please don't pout.                                      
Let's all talk it out,                                      
Over a big old juicy piece of meat!                         
                                                            
64640 SPORTS - HUNTING               J                        



A hunter by the name of Royce                               
Had a hook, a rope, and a hoist,                            
Positioned with care                                        
And fired at a bear.                                        
When he ran, his pants became moist.                        
                                                            
64641 SPORTS - HUNTING               Anon                     



To his wife said a hunter named Speers,                     
"I am leaving to hunt for some deers."                      
If his grammar was poor,                                    
This his wife could endure,                                 
But it left her with doubts and some fears.                 
                                                            
64642 SPORTS - HUNTING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2315



There was a young hunter named Pease,                       
Who failed to see woods for the trees.                      
He could not hit a bear                                     
Or the birds in the air.                                    
One might say he was shooting the breeze.                   
                                                            
64643 SPORTS - HUNTING               Albin Chaplin            



A nearsighted hunter named Pease                            
Could not see the woods for the trees.                      
He would miss the barn door                                 
By a mile or much more,                                     
And was expert at shooting the breeze.                      
                                                            
64644 SPORTS - HUNTING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2742



In America, still it is true,                               
The thing that most males like to do                        
Is the masculine rite                                       
Of a hunt, then at night,                                   
Back in the camphouse they screw.                           
                                                            
64645 SPORTS - HUNTING               Jim Weaver Collection    



I thought that deer hunting I'd go;                         
To catch one, not kill it, you know.                        
I'm stuck in this truck,                                    
And I can't fuck a buck,                                    
As usual folks, I'm short of doe.                           
                                                            
64646 SPORTS - HUNTING               Tiddy Ogg                



I'm glad that damn deer you did shoot,                      
But I bet it was tough as a boot!                           
I once cried (Oh brother!)                                  
When they shot Bambi's mother,                              
But now for the hunter I root!                              
                                                            
64647 SPORTS - HUNTING               Kaylin Brandon           



While hunting for ducks in the Saguenay,                    
An Englishman suffered sheer agony,                         
Sitting out on a lake                                       
Making sounds like a drake                                  
But in French, to embarrassed to baguenay.                  
                                                            
64648 SPORTS - HUNTING               Hugh Oliver           37b



A senile old hunter named Cotter                            
Observed a nude gurl by the water.                          
When he asked, "Are you game?"                              
She said "Yes," without shame,                              
So he raised up his rifle and shot her.                     
                                                            
64649 SPORTS - HUNTING               Albin Chaplin   3024-2955



Gentlemen can shoot grouse from today;                      
They could not shoot grouse yesterday.                      
What was the reason?                                        
Grouse were not in season,                                  
So that lice can shoot grice from today.                    
                                                            
64650 SPORTS - HUNTING               Tony Burrell             



A nearsighted bird-hunter, Jack,                            
Was eager to fill his game sack.                            
When the dog wagged its tail,                               
He took it for quail --                                     
And came home with the dog on his back!                     
                                                            
64651 SPORTS - HUNTING               Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P9801



There once was a hunter named Babbitt                       
Who had a most dangerous habit.                             
He climbed over a fence                                     
With his gun cocked and hence,                              
Is survived by his wife and a rabbit.                       
                                                            
64652 SPORTS - HUNTING               Observer                 



Said a hunter from Kennebec, Maine,                         
"From liquor I have to refrain.                             
When I swallow a jigger,                                    
I miss with the trigger,                                    
Again and again and again.                                  
                                                            
64653 SPORTS - HUNTING               Joseph S Newman          



Sir Cromwell Excelsior Gooding,                             
Inventor of hats draped with hooding,                       
Disrobed every Monday                                       
And hunted till Sunday,                                     
For puds he could shoot for a pudding.                      
                                                            
64654 SPORTS - HUNTING               Travis Brasell           



He turned every  stump, rock and clod,                      
And probed every hole with his prod.                        
But finding no puds                                         
And having no duds,                                         
Sir Gooding, instead, shot a wad.                           
                                                            
64655 SPORTS - HUNTING               Travis Brasell           



Asked Mimi, a gorgeous young dame,                          
"What passions set your heart aflame?"                      
Said rich Mister Bunting,                                   
"I'm quite fond of hunting",                                
Responded young Mimi, "I'm game!"                           
                                                            
64656 SPORTS - HUNTING                                        



They breed pheasants, both hens and cocks,                  
But they're not allowed to breed fox                        
For hunting by princes;                                     
The thought brings on winces.                               
Royal huntsmen deserve to catch pox!                        
                                                            
64657 SPORTS - HUNTING               Tony Burrell             



Three hunters were hunting for deer,                        
One spring not a long way from here.                        
They followed some tracks                                   
And argued the facts                                        
Of what kind of dear they were near.                        
                                                            
64658 SPORTS - HUNTING               Mad Zeno                 



Ancient Sparta was really a droll spot,                     
Where both sexes went naked a whole lot.                    
Yes, the coeds were brave                                   
At the Games but it gave                                    
All the boys a leg up in the pole vault.                    
                                                            
64659 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Don Moore           P0900



Britain only won one gold medal;                            
Our athletes seem to back pedal.                            
But we don't take drugs                                     
And our girls are not thugs,                                
So at least that part's on the level.                       
                                                            
64660 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tony Burrell             



I've been watching the World Champions Games;               
I think the secret's in the names.                          
If your -ov or -sky,                                        
You're in the first three,                                  
Without talent, training, or brains.                        
                                                            
64661 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tony Burrell             



The World Championships are here!                           
Don't mind!  I'l just give one more cheer                   
For those muscle-bound thugs,                               
Who do it on drugs,                                         
And make 'bout a million each year.                         
                                                            
64662 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tony Burrell             



To those darlings the media flatters;                       
Now winning is just all that matters.                       
The other two cheers                                        
Are for the old dears                                       
Whos integrity isn't in tatters.                            
                                                            
64663 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tony Burrell             



If your honest in sport, it just seems,                     
You're having impossible dreams.                            
The guys with the cash                                      
Are leading the dash,                                       
And you are left in the slipstreams.                        
                                                            
64664 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tony Burrell             



The Olympics are exciting and regal,                        
While the events are all perfectly legal.                   
I just hope the Brits,                                      
Will add to the glitz                                       
By sending over Eddie the Eagle.                            
                                                            
64665 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               J V                      



He soars through the air with the greatest of ease;         
His movements are graceful and certain to please.           
But on landing he stumbles                                  
And over he tumbles;                                        
Going head-over-heels on his skis.                          
                                                            
64666 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               J V                      



You'd think with the name Erki Nool,                        
The guy'd be some kind of a fool.                           
But he's a real athlete,                                    
A champion decathlete,                                      
Which proves that names don't always rule.                  
                                                            
64667 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tony Burrell             



The Olympic games are a blast                               
And politics things of the past.                            
But what are they cooking                                   
While we are not looking;                                   
Out of sight they can really move fast.                     
                                                            
64668 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Archie                   



Michelle on the ice fell down -- SPLAT!                     
And it seem like for days she just sat                      
And pondered the cold,                                      
The fall and lost gold.                                     
And wished that her nose wasn't flat.                       
                                                            
64669 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Travis Brasell           



Poor Michelle has been once again bested                    
By young Sarah, a teen; who'd have guess it?                
Now her sponsors, no doubt,                                 
Are beginning to shout,                                     
"We want back our millions invested!"                       
                                                            
64670 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Hans                     



The Olympics, mundane and diffuse,                          
Promote values close to the obtuse.                         
Sportsmanship's put on hold                                 
In the quest for the gold,                                  
And the jocks tested for their drug use.                    
                                                            
64671 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



With three months before the big show,                      
Olympians have a new woe;                                   
In Utah they're balling                                     
'Cause nothing is falling,                                  
Except Marty's pants -- but not snow!                       
                                                            
64672 SPORTS - OLYMPIC                                        



A man in Atlanta named Spenser                              
Was just like a moron but denser.                           
At night after dark,                                        
Built a wall 'round the park,                               
Then said, "I'm an Olympic fencer."                         
                                                            
64673 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tom Patton          P9609



The Olympic contestants were keen,                          
The finest we ever have seen.                               
Their motto, we're told,                                    
Was "GO FOR THE GOLD!"                                      
But all of them went for the GREEN.                         
                                                            
64674 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Al Chaplin          P9609



In Albertville mid all the snow,                            
Monsieur Mitterand said, "Oh oh -- oh oh,                   
Oh--excuse my faux pas,                                     
For just now I saw                                          
I've been reading zee Olympic logo."                        
                                                            
64675 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Arthur Deex         P9203



In the opening speech at Sarajevo,                          
The Yugoslav premier said, "Oh-oh!                          
Oh! Oh-Oh.." -- but quit                                    
When his aide said, "You twit!                              
You've just read the Olympic logo."                         
                                                            
64676 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Arthur Deex         P8403



Olympic-dot-com's website menu                              
Has posted a fabulous venue:                                
A brand new admission                                       
In sports competition                                       
'Tween women who'll stretch their twat's sinew.             
                                                            
64677 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Travis Brasell           



These athletes, so brave, strong, and bold,                 
Are listed as both young and old;                           
They'll make some fast dashes                               
To stretch out their gashes;                                
The twat that's stretched most gets the gold.               
                                                            
64678 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Travis Brasell           



This venue's been hailed as 'erotics';                      
It's wetter than female aquatics.                           
There's been a report                                       
That this stretching sport                                  
Is classed as Olympic 'atwatics'.                           
                                                            
64679 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Travis Brasell           



The winner of this new event                                
Is a virgin from lower East Trent.                          
Her twat's measured girth,                                  
From Sydney to Perth,                                       
Gives Aussies a mammoth pink tent.                          
                                                            
64680 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Travis Brasell           



"In the whole world," Aussies have vented,                  
"Ain't too much that we Aussies invented.                   
But now in swelter-                                         
Ing heat, there's a shelter.                                
We're not pleased, but we are now cunt-tented.              
                                                            
64681 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Cyber Wizard             



Nadia is giving folks fits.                                 
She's taking conservative's hits --                         
Her sex antics attacked,                                    
They'd like to bring back                                   
Her demeanor before she had tits.                           
(Nadia Comeneche)                                           
64682 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               John K. Roberts     P9303



The Olympic Torch has gone past;                            
To see it was great, a real blast.                          
Police sirens ringing,                                      
Waltzing Matilda we're singing.                             
The games are approaching real fast.                        
(dated 9/11/00 for Sidney Olympics)                         
64683 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Alex Milway              



Did SLOC bribe those guys?                                  
Find out how much their money buys.                         
I'm told all the time                                       
That it won't cost a dime.                                  
Just who has been telling these lies.                       
(Salt Lake City bribed Olympic Committee 1998)              
64684 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Marlene                  



In Sydney on opening night,                                 
The mayor started his speech, "G'Diy Mite,                  
Oh oh OH oh oh TWO oh-oh OH."                               
Moaned his Aide de Camp, "Whoa!                             
You just read the logo and dite."                           
                                                            
64685 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Arthur Deex         P2006



In the opening speech at Salt Lake,                         
The mayor made a terrible mistake;                          
Saying, "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh"                                
While his aide moaned, "Oh no!                              
You've just read the logo, you flake!"                      
                                                            
64686 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Arthur Deex         P0201



The locals in old SLC  (Salt Lake City, 2002)               
To miss the Olympics did feel.                              
The bars there are troubled,                                
And beer prices doubled.                                    
It serves the creeps right, so says me.                     
                                                            
64687 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Tiddy                    



The jerks who all jacked up the price                       
Of their food and drinks, are not nice.                     
We locals stay in,                                          
Ignoring such sin,                                          
When we know the schools get a slice.                       
(tax on booze benifits schools)                             
64688 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Marty                    



There's no one around here, just me!                        
I wonder where everyone be?                                 
Maybe out on the town,                                      
Or just sitting down,                                       
On their butts watching games from Sydney.                  
                                                            
64689 SPORTS - OLYMPIC                                        



Some naysayers, scoffers and cynics                         
Might say that the Winter Olympics                          
Is aimed at fanatics                                        
Of buff babes in spandex,                                   
On the tube, yet!  Much better than skin flicks.            
                                                            
64690 SPORTS - OLYMPIC               Dr Limerick  02-11-02    



A certain young lady from Twickers                          
When asked why she never wore knickers,                     
Said, "Rowing's no fun                                      
When they ride up my bum.                                   
This makes my technique a bit slicker.                      
                                                            
64691 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A woman, a novice to crew,                                  
Was attacked by a crab while at 2.  (rowing position?)      
As the blade passed her seat,                               
It pulled out both her feet,                                
And ejected her into the blue.                              
                                                            
64692 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A well-known young rower called Trigger                     
Was proud of his tall and thin figure.                      
That might have been so                                     
But he started to grow,                                     
And soon became bigger and bigger.                          
                                                            
64693 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A man wore his lycra quite tight,                           
'Cause he thought if he did, that it might                  
Show the girls what to touch,                               
But it was a bit much,                                      
And they all ran away in a fright.                          
                                                            
64694 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



There once was a sculler from Thames,                       
Who's boat held a mirror and lens.                          
This curious contraption                                    
Required technique adaption,                                
But at least he could see 'round the bends.                 
                                                            
64695 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A short sighted sculler from Quintin                        
On the cost of his glasses was stintin'.                    
But girls won't make passes                                 
At men who wear glasses,                                    
So he'd rather appear to be squintin'.                      
                                                            
64696 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A four that was racing ahead,                               
Discovered their cox'n was dead.                            
So to speed up their ride,                                  
Dumped him over the side,                                   
And finished it coxless, instead.                           
                                                            
64697 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A TRC coach dismissed grace                                 
And was interested only in pace.                            
Though not in a boat,                                       
It was ergo "by rote,"                                      
For he thought it could win him a race.                     
                                                            
64698 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



The stroke of a men's coxless four                          
Found low rating a bit of a bore.                           
But by losing the slide                                     
He could rate eighty-five                                   
And on good days a little bit more.                         
                                                            
64699 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A cox's approached LRC  (London Rowing Club?)               
And enquired of their membership fee.                       
"All this money you ask                                     
Just to sit on my ass?                                      
I'd be better off back at the lea."                         
                                                            
64700 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



A sculler who rowed out of Vesper,                          
Had been seen in the showers with chest hair.               
"The steroids, you see,                                     
Just took 'hold of me."                                     
So the police just came to arrest her.                      
                                                            
64701 SPORTS - ROWING                Anon                     



There was a math student named Katie                        
Who sits through her classes sedately.                      
But out with the crew                                       
She rows 'til she's blue.                                   
Someday they will end up in Haiti.                          
                                                            
64702 SPORTS - ROWING                M Hale                   



A fat lazy slob took up running,                            
Whether raining or snowing or sunning.                      
His sole inspiration                                        
Was infatuation                                             
For one whose complexion was stunning.                      
                                                            
64703 SPORTS - RUNNING               Jim Weaver Collection    



Every day he would run till he dropped,                     
And he swore he could never be stopped.                     
Though he toned up in haste,                                
Muscles under his waist,                                    
Still his gut over his belt-buckle flopped.                 
                                                            
64704 SPORTS - RUNNING               Jim Weaver Collection    



Yes, he kept up his pace like a winner.                     
Running daily he'd surely get thinner.                      
But he found to his gloom                                   
He continued to bloom                                       
From the increasing size of his dinner.                     
                                                            
64705 SPORTS - RUNNING               Jim Weaver Collection    



A runner at a marathon meet                                 
Thought the record would surely be beat.                    
What a terrible shame                                       
When the guy pulled up lame;                                
It was the agony of defeat!                                 
                                                            
64706 SPORTS - RUNNING               Tom Patton          P0209



A transvestite runner from Wichita                          
Put on a large plump lady's bra.                            
Through many a lap,                                         
He had minimal flap,                                        
But evoked a resounding guffaw!                             
                                                            
64707 SPORTS - RUNNING               M. B. Spitzler      P8308



A year-seven pupil from Catton,                             
While carring her relay-team's baton,                       
Tripped and fell on it,                                     
Then made up a sonnet:                                      
The funniest thing ever I've sat on.                        
(areas around Norfolk)                                      
64708 SPORTS - RUNNING               Anon                     



The wife of a jogger named Rinde                            
Suggested an act most maligned.                             
"I'll back up to your dong                                  
And you'll find before long,                                
That you've managed to come from behind.                    
                                                            
64709 SPORTS - RUNNING               Jersey City              



The women's track team of East Fluntz                       
Invited a pigmy tribe, once,                                
To a race of one mile                                       
Which the tribe won in style,                               
Being famed for their fleet, cunning runts.                 
                                                            
64710 SPORTS - RUNNING               Bob Giandomenico    P9410



A young athlete who ran very fast,                          
Yelled obscenities at those he passed,                      
He failed a dope test;                                      
He's side-lined for a rest;                                 
His ego now flies at half-mast!                             
                                                            
64711 SPORTS - RUNNING               Arthur Pattaffy          



Those female track stars are world-class;                   
I love to watch all of them pass.                           
In uniforms, skimpy,                                        
They prove they're not wimpy,                               
And give a great view of fine ass.                          
                                                            
64712 SPORTS - RUNNING               Travis Brasell           



Here's advice from a track coach named Wertz:               
"Making love's like the mile," he asserts.                  
"During most of the race,                                   
One may vary the pace;                                      
At the finish, however, one spurts!"                        
                                                            
64713 SPORTS - RUNNING                                        



The Olympics were your private Flo-show;                    
The swift next to you, ran slo-mo...                        
The fastest indeed,                                         
But alas for that speed,                                    
Toward the Last Finish, dear Flo-Jo...                      
                                                            
64714 SPORTS - RUNNING               Tutta Gioia              



Flo-Jo was a woman of speed;                                
It was great to watch her proceed.                          
But I bet she employed                                      
Some kind of steroid,                                       
And that was a naughty misdeed.                             
                                                            
64715 SPORTS - RUNNING               Bobbob                   



The woman is not even cold                                  
'Fore unfounded rumors are told.                            
Flo-Jo was the best,                                        
Passed every drug test;                                     
A fleet-footed winner of gold.                              
                                                            
64716 SPORTS - RUNNING               Frank                    



Farewell to the colorful Florence,                          
Whose speed was unleashed in such torrents.                 
Whom the Gods love, die young;                              
Now their ranks she's among                                 
With Di, and Arabia's Lawrence.                             
                                                            
64717 SPORTS - RUNNING               Prof M-G                 



While traveling by train up to London,                      
A quiet young man's bag was undone.                         
Some pants were misplaced,                                  
And he searched with due haste.                             
He ended up winning a fun run.                              
                                                            
64718 SPORTS - RUNNING               Anon                     



The boffins have proved it's the case                       
That young lady sprinters gain pace,                        
If they've had a gunning                                    
Before they start running,                                  
Compared with sex during the race.                          
                                                            
64719 SPORTS - RUNNING               Tiddy Ogg                



Among all those hurdling achievers                          
The greatest of all is Gail Deavers;                        
Yes, she is the one,                                        
With Gold Medals won,                                       
Who helped us to see hurdling beavers.                      
                                                            
64720 SPORTS - RUNNING                                        



There was a young woman named Grace,                        
Who ran hard in a marathon race.                            
As she ran through the trees,                               
Her pants slid to her knees,                                
But her buns earned an easy first place!                    
                                                            
64721 SPORTS - RUNNING                                        



A clever longjumper named Pete                              
Eats beans before every big meet.                           
On completing his jump,                                     
A huge fart from his rump                                   
Will drive him an extra three feet.                         
                                                            
64722 SPORTS - RUNNING               Michael Weinstein   P8306



Once a marathon runner named Hart                           
Ate a big can of beans at the start,                        
And for many a mile,                                        
Kept the most relaxed style,                                
Being powered along by a fart!                              
                                                            
64723 SPORTS - RUNNING               Prof M-G            T9712



Knocked down halfway through the match,                     
Running after one you can't catch,                          
Got tits in the face.                                       
It could have been lace,                                    
If your face had wound up in her snatch.                    
                                                            
64724 SPORTS - RUNNING               PeterW                   



I was running a marathon race,                              
Keeping pace with a woman called Grace,                     
When half way around,                                       
I was knocked to the ground,                                
As her tits hit me square in the face.                      
                                                            
64725 SPORTS - RUNNING               Peter Wilkins            



Well, if by her tits you were hit,                          
You can't be considered as fit.                             
With your face in her chest,                                
Good posture's a test;                                      
You probably can't run for shit!                            
                                                            
64726 SPORTS - RUNNING               Frank Fazed              



There was a young man named Monteith,                       
Who jogged every day on the heath.                          
He was mugged, and what's more,                             
He was slugged on the jaw;                                  
At 18 he now has real false teeth!                          
                                                            
64727 SPORTS - RUNNING               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young athlete called Clayton,                   
Who found he could't stop putting weight on.                
His top speed on the track,                                 
Mph it did lack;                                            
His future he'll now speculate on.                          
                                                            
64728 SPORTS - RUNNING               Arthur Pattaffy          



The oldtimers line up for the run;                          
A 20 mile fundraiser, for fun.                              
They're all on their toes;                                  
The high tension shows;                                     
Ten collapse at the sound of the gun!                       
                                                            
64729 SPORTS - RUNNING               Arthur Pattaffy          



I'd pole vault around on the floor;                         
The crowd would be calling for more.                        
My strong penile twitches                                   
Would moisten their britches,                               
And cause them to come with a roar!                         
                                                            
64730 SPORTS - RUNNING                                        



A tired out runner named Glover                             
Lay down by the track to recover.                           
A girl from the stands                                      
Came and played with his glands,                            
And soon he was running all over.                           
                                                            
64731 SPORTS - RUNNING               Allan R. Ottley     P8306



After Tom had his steroid injection,                        
He thought he could avoid a detection.                      
Though he ran a good race,                                  
He was soon in disgrace                                     
When his urine had failed the inspection.                   
                                                            
64732 SPORTS - RUNNING               Edwin J Weinstein        



A big-bosomed lady named Whipple                            
At Olympic events cause a ripple.                           
She took on all competers                                   
In the one hundred meters,                                  
And she beat the young lads by a nipple.                    
                                                            
64733 SPORTS - RUNNING               Albin Chaplin   3024-3022



She challenged a sprinter named Jacques;                    
To distract him she raised up her smock.                    
But he moved out in front                                   
When he glanced at her cunt,                                
And he won by the knob of his cock.                         
                                                            
64734 SPORTS - RUNNING               Albin Chaplin   3024-3024



There was an American sprinter,                             
Who trained for his races all winter.                       
He was fearless and fast                                    
But the sample he passed                                    
Dissolved the glass flask he passed inter.                  
(failed the dope test - McW)                                
64735 SPORTS - RUNNING               John Dole           P9705



An expert at sprinting, Miss Kitt,                          
Would challenge all men fast and fit.                       
In a closely matched race,                                  
One young lad set the pace,                                 
But she beat the young lad by a tit.                        
                                                            
64736 SPORTS - RUNNING               Albin chaplin   3024-2643



If you're up at the breaking of dawn                        
And all notions of sleep have just gone,                    
Go out for a short jog,                                     
In rain, sunshine or fog.                                   
You will soon regret you were bawn.                         
                                                            
64737 SPORTS - RUNNING               Arthur Pattaffy          



Their motel room, said gays Reese and Bates,                
Was magnificent, well worth top rates;                      
They had breakfast in bed                                   
And the bagels, they said,                                  
Made simply marvelous quoits.                               
                                                            
64738 SPORTS - SEX                   Ann Gasser          P8909



A lady could not apprehend                                  
Most sports where two people contend.                       
She was much better at                                      
The game with the bat,                                      
Which dangles two balls at the end.                         
                                                            
64739 SPORTS - SEX                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0386



Bedroom golf can be fun, without doubt,                     
But the first rule you must know all about.                 
The game's main goal                                        
Is to put club in the hole,                                 
Whilst ensuring the balls are kept out!                     
                                                            
64740 SPORTS - SEX                   H Myers                  



Said healthy but lecherous Paul,                            
"When running, you feel ten feet tall.                      
And dancing firms muscles                                   
For various tussles,                                        
But screwing's the best sport of all."                      
                                                            
64741 SPORTS - SEX                   Armand E Singer       343



This Olympic spectator applauds                             
U.S. broadjumping champion, Bill Bauds.                     
The event's quite demanding,                                
But his record's still standing;                            
He jumped over two thousand broads!                         
                                                            
64742 SPORTS - SEX                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A cold-natured Scot, MacIntosh,                             
Said, "Sex is a whole lot of bosh;                          
It is more fun to play                                      
Whether nighttime or day,                                   
A good game of golf, chess, or squash.                      
                                                            
64743 SPORTS - SEX                   Armand E Singer       176



Some couples next year will be sent                         
To a brand new Olympic event.                               
It's called, "Fucking the brains                            
Out". They line up in lanes                                 
And they screw 'til they're utterly spent.                  
                                                            
64744 SPORTS - SEX                                            



A 10 minute warm-up's allowed                               
(Undertaken in front of the crowd)                          
To ensure that the "twat"                                   
Becomes moistily hot                                        
And the "dong" stands up rigid and proud.                   
                                                            
64745 SPORTS - SEX                                            



A whistle (insertion of dongs                               
Into twats) then a couple of Bongs                          
On a gong (that means brace                                 
Yourselves); "Bang!" starts the race;                       
Then the teams go like hammer and tongs.                    
                                                            
64746 SPORTS - SEX                                            



The minimum speed must exceed                               
One insertion a second. Indeed                              
It's disqualification                                       
For deceleration,                                           
Or premature spilling of seed.                              
                                                            
64747 SPORTS - SEX                                            



The winners are deemed to be those                          
Who come last in the race. We propose                       
To award a gold "dong"                                      
(Not the usual gong)                                        
To the winners ('less dead, we suppose).                    
                                                            
64748 SPORTS - SEX                                            



We're looking for couples unique                            
Who are willing to enter. We seek                           
Guys and gals, young and old,                               
To auditions we'll hold                                     
Starting Thursday or Friday this week.                      
                                                            
64749 SPORTS - SEX                                            



The big blonde, doing laps, swims on by,                    
Lifeguard, "Muscles," he catches her eye;                   
Now, on his "breaks," we gather;                            
They screw to a lather;                                     
Gym club romance is hard to deny:                           
                                                            
64750 SPORTS - SEX                   Al Kraht                 



There once was a nice man named Wumpus,                     
A harmless old codger, a grumpus.                           
That was our belief,                                        
But old Wump was a thief,                                   
When we turned our backs, he would jump us.                 
                                                            
64751 SPORTS - SEX                   Jim Weaver Collection    



"The best part is right in the middle"                      
Explained Jack about the game to Miss Biddle.               
"If the dice, when you throw,                               
Score six or below,                                         
I then wink, and put this in your tiddle!"                  
                                                            
64752 SPORTS - SEX                   H Myers            TP9806



There once was a gambler of taste                           
Who laid a young girl who was chaste.                       
Since she should not conceive,                              
He came in his sleeve,                                      
And knocked up two queens and an ace.                       
                                                            
64753 SPORTS - SEX                   Barbara Tabler      P9110



Said the coach to his weightlifter, Burke,                  
"On the hop skip and jump you can work."                    
To his coach, Burke confessed                               
He was deeply distressed --                                 
He was better at lick snatch and jerk.                      
                                                            
64754 SPORTS - SEX                   Albin Chaplin       P9104



Marathon Sucking would attract a large throng,              
But one problem means the event won't go on.                
You may search there and here,                              
But I really do fear                                        
You won't find a dick twenty-six miles long!                
                                                            
64755 SPORTS - SEX                   Tim                      



Sex on the rocks is our calling,                            
So we climbed up to do some balling.                        
We slipped on a stick,                                      
And tied on with my dick.                                   
It was the way to keep us from falling.                     
                                                            
64756 SPORTS - SEX                   Jim Weaver Collection    



The Greeks best Olympic event                               
In rustic dark forests is spent.                            
The season is best                                          
In fall, they attest,                                       
While the Bohunks for mushrooms are bent.                   
                                                            
64757 SPORTS - SEX                   Dick Buenger        P8407



What is this thing with men and sports?                     
And butt-slapping their team cohorts?                       
If they'd let me play --                                    
I'd pat 'em all day                                         
And pinch the ones in the short shorts!                     
                                                            
64758 SPORTS - SEX                                            



Young couples who live out in Drain          (OR)           
Are driven quite mad by the rain.                           
With sexual perversion                                      
The only diversion,                                         
Sanity's hard to maintain.                                  
                                                            
64759 SPORTS - SEX                   Larry Davis         P8805



Bedroom golf, the way H Myers taught it:                    
Club in; balls out; OK, got it.                             
So last night in the sack                                   
I gave it a whack.                                          
If par is my "wad", they I shot it!                         
                                                            
64760 SPORTS - SEX                   Crazy Legs               



To Olympics went queer Mr. Burke,                           
For he loved to see athletes at work.                       
There the whole day was spent                               
At his favored event,                                       
Which was watching the snatch and the jerk.                 
                                                            
64761 SPORTS - SEX                   Albin Chaplin   3024-1839



A wanton young mermaid named Jones,                         
Elicited undersea moans,                                    
From guys aqualunging                                       
By saltily tonguing                                         
Their divers erogenous zones.                               
                                                            
64762 SPORTS - SEX                                            



Said a diver, "Cousteau, you're a clown,                    
To say we should only go down.                              
With the mask off my face,                                  
It's too much of a race,                                    
To get the lass off and not drown."                         
                                                            
64763 SPORTS - SEX                   Oolong                   



The Olympic Games are a bore;                               
Without sex events, they're a snore.                        
Let's have cross-country fucking,                           
And marathon sucking!                                       
Isn't that what our bodies are for?                         
                                                            
64764 SPORTS - SEX                   Writerman                



When running, a young girl named Banner                     
Was plumbed by a man who outran her.                        
This man plumbed her so well                                
She went into a spell;                                      
She had never been had in this manner.                      
                                                            
64765 SPORTS - SEX                   Albin Chaplin            



"Oh do me right now!", she implored,                        
As she spread her legs widely toward                        
Me. "Can't wait any longer;                                 
My lust's getting stronger;                                 
I need to be pierced with your sword."                      
                                                            
64766 SPORTS - SEX                                            



"Oh god!", I thought, watching the match                    
On TV with my beer, "Can't you scratch                      
Yer own snatch? Stop yer bitchin'                           
And get to the kitchen                                      
And ...Yesss!  What a beautiful catch!"                     
                                                            
64767 SPORTS - SEX                                            



"My love, can't I tempt you instead                         
With a passionate romp in our bed?"                         
And she stood right in front                                
Of me showing her cunt,                                     
So I pushed her away as I said ...                          
                                                            
64768 SPORTS - SEX                                            



..."Can't you see that I'm watching TV?                     
Stop your whining and cook us some tea."                    
"Well I hate you!", she said,                               
As she stormed off to bed,                                  
"You think more of that baseball than me!"                  
                                                            
64769 SPORTS - SEX                                            



"Thank god", I thought, "Who needs a dame                   
When you're watching your favorite game?"                   
So I opened a beer                                          
And let out a great cheer,                                  
As the number one striker took aim.                         
                                                            
64770 SPORTS - SEX                                            



Then she flounced through the living room door              
And announced, "I can't take any more.                      
So I'm leaving you now;                                     
Back to mother's."  "That cow?"                             
I exclaimed, "Well you're suited for sure."                 
                                                            
64771 SPORTS - SEX                                            



Then she flew out the house and I knew                      
She would never come back. Was I blue?                      
I had joy in my heart,                                      
As I heard her depart,                                      
And looked forward to pastures anew.                        
                                                            
64772 SPORTS - SEX                                            



The world's focus is on Atlanta,                            
And the new events cause all the banter.                    
The long-distance spit                                      
And the vertical shit;                                      
I bet the Yanks win in a canter.                            
                                                            
64773 SPORTS - SEX                   Herkin                   



Beggars can always be choosers;                             
Insomniacs -- very good snoozers;                           
The lamb wasn't Mary's;                                     
the Springboks are fairies;                                 
And the All Blacks are very good losers.                    
                                                            
64774 SPORTS - SOCCER                Friar              TP9807



A gay lost his boots in a game                              
By a tackle that made him quite lame.                       
He said with a squeal                                       
To the ref, "I appeal",                                     
Who replied, "Yes you do. What's your name?"                
                                                            
64775 SPORTS - SOCCER                H Myers             T9801



In New Zealand some scribbling dill         (dill - idiot)  
Had scrawled on the window sill                             
'Australia Sux.'                                            
I just said, 'Shucks',                                      
And added 'New Zealand Nil.'                                
(must be soccer score - McW)                                
64776 SPORTS - SOCCER                Don Laycock         P8611



There was a young player named Kelly,                       
Who couldn't play 'cause of his belly.                      
When he ran on the pitch,                                   
He caused a big ditch,                                      
So he just watches games on the telly.                      
                                                            
64777 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



Brandi could make my dick spurt;                            
Her titties are little, but pert.                           
She made quite a trick                                      
Of that penalty kick,                                       
But why did she take off her shirt?                         
                                                            
64778 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



There once was a team from Brazil,                          
Who kicked at the ball with great skill.                    
They once met the Danes,                                    
Who'd oiled their vanes,                                    
And made the guys go through the mill.                      
                                                            
64779 SPORTS - SOCCER                Pablo Zum          TP9807



The match had five goals in the score,                      
Though rooters were asking for more.                        
Brazil was to win                                           
And save their dear skin,                                   
At least till the next match in store.                      
                                                            
64780 SPORTS - SOCCER                Pablo Zum          TP9807



A Brazilian forward who's shameless                         
And shall, for the nonce, remain nameless,                  
Though held in disgrace                                     
For clutching his face,                                     
Kindly pronounced himself blameless.                        
                                                            
64781 SPORTS - SOCCER                Rudy Froese              



An elderly lady from Fleet                                  
Once scored a goal with both feet.                          
And despite her great age.                                  
Earns a reasonable wage                                     
As reserve center forward for Crete.                        
                                                            
64782 SPORTS - SOCCER                Michael Palin            



The coach cried "I'm losing my wits!                        
We're taking these bozos to bits                            
Without breaking sweat                                      
Or choking, and yet                                         
I'm soaked to the skin - it's the pits!"                    
                                                            
64783 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Little Jack Horner once took a corner,  (kick)              
And belted the ball so high.                                
With the keeper upset,                                      
It went straight in the net,                                
So he said "What a good boy am I!"                          
                                                            
64784 SPORTS - SOCCER                Anon                     



A fiery Corkman called Keane                                
Created the deuce of a scene:                               
"The grass is too long!                                     
The tea is too strong!                                      
And the damn shirts are not red, but green!"                
                                                            
64785 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



A striker who came from Devizes                             
Did little to help win some prizes.                         
When asked for a reason,                                    
Said, "This is the season                                   
My boots are of two different sizes."                       
                                                            
64786 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



Our Borussia is going away;                                 
Tomorrow at Anfield they'll play.                           
Just watch out you scousers,                                
We'll pull down your trousers!                              
For Dortmund it's Hip-hip-hoorray!                          
                                                            
64787 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Young Marilyn's husband's a shocker.                        
For sport, he's off watching the soccer.                    
While he stands by the goal,                                
I'll be licking her hole                                    
Of pleasure, before I then focker.                          
                                                            
64788 SPORTS - SOCCER                Tiddy Ogg                



After losing to foe Argentina,                              
English soccer fans flood the cantina.                      
To regret martial lore...                                   
For who wins playing war,                                   
Has to lose in the sporting arena.                          
                                                            
64789 SPORTS - SOCCER                Prof M-G           TP9807



"I'm off, Mums," said Stu, "Going to                        
The football match." A big kiss he blew.                    
"Don't foreget," his mum said,                              
"A stout pipe made of lead.                                 
Take your switchblade and brass knuckles, too."             
                                                            
64790 SPORTS - SOCCER                Michael Weinstein   P8605



There was a footballer named Paul,                          
A real wizard when he had the ball.                         
Pass, dribble or shoot,                                     
With his left or right boot,                                
'Twas his pride that would lead to his fall!                
                                                            
64791 SPORTS - SOCCER                Arthur Pattaffy          



An old soccer player from Reading                           
Had ruptured a girl he was bedding.                         
Because she'd resist                                        
The use of his fist,                                        
He used her to practice his heading.                        
                                                            
64792 SPORTS - SOCCER                SFA                      



A footballing fellow named Paul                             
Could do fabulous things with a ball.                       
In one of his tricks,                                       
With a series of flicks,                                    
He managed to knock down a brick wall.                      
                                                            
64793 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



The FIFA World Cup's on the go;                             
I'll try not to go with the flow.                           
It's rather absurd                                          
To go follow the heard,                                     
Though I might watch a second or so.                        
                                                            
64794 SPORTS - SOCCER                Peter Wilkins            



The match against Sweden I'll view                          
For maybe a minute or two;                                  
It starts before noon                                       
Here; good heavens!  So soon?                               
I must go without further ado.                              
                                                            
64795 SPORTS - SOCCER                Peter Wilkins            



Now you call it "football" but we                           
Here in the states disagree.                                
"Soccer"'s our name                                         
For this kick-the-ball game,                                
That no one will watch on TV.                               
                                                            
64796 SPORTS - SOCCER                Baldy                    



In soccer you can't use your hands,                         
As it's played in most civilized lands.                     
But things really get wild                                  
(And that's putting it mild)                                
In the fights that break out in the stands.                 
                                                            
64797 SPORTS - SOCCER                Bob Birch           P0800



While tending the goal at the soccer,                       
Young Monica saw a Punk Rocker.                             
Just then big Nicole                                        
Took a shot on the goal,                                    
And flattened poor Monica's knockers.                       
                                                            
64798 SPORTS - SOCCER                Puff Adder               



There once was a footballing cat,                           
Who played in a black bowler hat.                           
When he ran down the wing,                                  
He could not see a thing.                                   
You can guess what the crowd thought of that!               
                                                            
64799 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



The crowds are now going away,                              
As the cup was awarded Sunday.                              
The Frenchmen have won                                      
Off the head of Zidane,                                     
Who flew more than TWA.                                     
                                                            
64800 SPORTS - SOCCER                Knotweed                 



A goalie beleagured at soccer                               
Took a twenty-pound shot from his locker,                   
And some thread, and an awl,                                
Sewed the shot in the ball,                                 
And was hailed as a consummate blocker.                     
                                                            
64801 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



There was a goalkeeper named Walter                         
Who played on the Island of Malta.                          
His kicks were so long                                      
And the wind was so strong,                                 
The ball ended up in Gibraltar.                             
                                                            
64802 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



A Geordie slut blew into town                               
Who'd lower her lower parts down.                           
When feeling hot tongue                                     
Tip tight up her bung,                                      
She'd waft off a Newcastle Brown.                           
                                                            
64803 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



She ate malt and hops by the pound,                         
Licked smegma, and washed it all down.                      
Then chased it with sugar                                   
And one gooey booger.                                       
A felch? Penny. Pint? Half a crown.                         
                                                            
64804 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



A skinny young striker from Spain,                          
He hated to play in the rain.                               
One day in a muddle                                         
He stepped in a puddle                                      
And got washed away in a drain.                             
                                                            
64805 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



There was a young striker from Reading                      
Who bumped his brow on a door at a wedding.                 
It made his head swell,                                     
But he said, "Just as well;                                 
'Cause now I'll improve on my heading."                     
                                                            
64806 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



At one of the soccer club's roasts,                         
It seems two family sibs got the posts.                     
To perform as emcees,                                       
Which they managed with ease,                               
Two smooth father and son goalie hosts.                     
                                                            
64807 SPORTS - SOCCER                Bob Giandomenico    P9807



A gay soccer spectator from Wix,                            
Thought rugger might offer new tricks.                      
He didn't go much                                           
For kicking for touch,                                      
But fancied the touching for kicks.                         
                                                            
64808 SPORTS - SOCCER                Cyril Mountjoy           



A footballer in from the States                             
Was paid at some very high rates.                           
But when he lost touch,                                     
He wasn't worth much.                                       
Now he just kicks around with his mates.                    
                                                            
64809 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



There was a young player named Clyde                        
Took a penalty kick that went wide.                         
The next match, his brother,                                
Well, he missed another,                                    
And now neither can get on a side.                          
                                                            
64810 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



Today some footballers are rough,                           
And they need a ref who is tough.                           
If they tackle too hard,                                    
They'll be shown the red card,                              
With the comment, enough is enough!                         
                                                            
64811 SPORTS - SOCCER                Arthur Pattaffy          



If I take an umbrella, it's dry.                            
If I don't, then it rains' and if I                         
Lament goals are too few --                                 
That is, no more than two --                                
Guarantee at least three at next try.                       
                                                            
64812 SPORTS - SOCCER                Prof M-G           TP9806



A plaintive cry of "It's not fair!"                         
Was emitted by Monsieur Lemerre.                            
"Not only is Bruno                                          
Now numero uno,                                             
He's also got much nicer hair!"                             
                                                            
64813 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



A cute soccer player named Jade                             
Had a problem whenever she played.                          
When she jumped for a header,                               
Her breasts often lead her,                                 
So she headed with nipples displayed.                       
                                                            
64814 SPORTS - SOCCER                K R Swift                



There once was a young man from Lyme,                       
Who scored a goal for the very first time.                  
The young man was glad,                                     
But his teammates were sad,                                 
He hadn't changed sides at halftime.                        
                                                            
64815 SPORTS - SOCCER                His Peace                



A soccer match soon with Brazil ver-                        
Sus Scotland will end in one-nil.  Ver-                     
Satile though they are,                                     
Those dear Scots won't get far                              
And won't win a world soccer cup silver.                    
                                                            
64816 SPORTS - SOCCER                Peter Wilkins            



A team of footballers from Stroud                           
Had supporters who shouted too loud.                        
When all ceased their din,                                  
Goals just rocketed in,                                     
So how they're a much quieter crowd.                        
                                                            
64817 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



There once was a Wobbly Duck                                
Who found herself knee-deep in muck.                        
In true Manchester style                                    
She said with a smile,                                      
Your aim's pretty poor, ain't it chuck?                     
(not a clue - McW)                                          
64818 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



I can't decide -- football or soccer?                       
From a Lazy-boy chair or a rocker?                          
Ovoid or round?                                             
In the air? On the ground?                                  
Should I play it? Or just be a gawker?                      
                                                            
64819 SPORTS - SOCCER                Stiffy Joe               



There was a young striker from Clyde,                       
Who hated his eggs boiled or fried.                         
When asked to say why,                                      
"It's just because I                                        
Am a poacher, by trade," he replied.                        
                                                            
64820 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



A Portuguese winger called Figo,                            
With quite a formidable ego,                                
Announced "Here's the plan:                                 
As the crunch match began,                                  
"First Joao goes, then Beto, then we go!"                   
                                                            
64821 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



This World Cup of football is great,                        
Though my own prowess, I must relate.                       
You'll vouch for the gall,                                  
When my right and left ball,                                
In opposite directions rotate.                              
                                                            
64822 SPORTS - SOCCER                Buzzard                  



Soccer's a game I despise;                                  
The idiot's boasted franchise.                              
It's just a rude brawl                                      
While kicking a ball,                                       
And causes my gorge to upsrise.                             
                                                            
64823 SPORTS - SOCCER                Timothy Torkildson       



When rude soccer-names are cited,                           
It's Arse-nal is usually indicted.                          
There's old S-cunt-thrope too,                              
And the third of the few                                    
Is Manchester Fucking United.                               
                                                            
64824 SPORTS - SOCCER                Tiddy Ogg                



A gay lost his boots in a game;                             
Then his shirt and his shorts just the same.                
"Seen my tackle?" he sighed                                 
To the ref, who replied,                                    
"Yes I have. Very nice! What's your name?"                  
                                                            
64825 SPORTS - SOCCER                H Myers             T9801



While visiting Santa's North Pole,                          
I met a young elf named Nicole,                             
A cute soccer fan.                                          
When I stuck it in,                                         
She threw up her arms and yelled "Goal!"                    
                                                            
64826 SPORTS - SOCCER                Blowcephus          T9712



A young big footballer named Rick,                          
Was known for the strength of his kick.                     
When the ball's on the spot,                                
He takes a short trot.                                      
The goalie feels he's been hit by a brick!                  
                                                            
64827 SPORTS - SOCCER                Arthur Pattaffy          



The Professional Footballers' Assoc.                        
Wants action, and not only talk.                            
They can't use their hands                                  
To enforce their demands,                                   
And so they will probably walk.                             
                                                            
64828 SPORTS - SOCCER                Dr Limerick  11-21-01    



Oh darling, please switch off the telly,                    
"I'm watching the football, sweet Nellie."                  
But darling ..  "Please get                                 
Off my lap, will you pet,                                   
And go get me some beer from the deli."                     
                                                            
64829 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Oh bugger the beer and the deli;                            
I've lustful desires in my belly.                           
"Not now - look at that!                                    
It's a goal!!  And it's .."  <Splat!!>                      
"Bloody hell!  That fair hurt me, sweet Nellie."            
                                                            
64830 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



I hate you!  "Oh come now, sweet Nellie."                   
And don't call me Nellie -- I'm Ellie;                      
You bastard!; you twat!                                     
"Ohmygod I forgot;                                          
You're my wife and not Nell from the deli."                 
                                                            
64831 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Hey Bertie?  "Uh huh"  Do me now?                           
"Uh huh."  I quite fancy a plow.                            
"Wossat?"  In my teddy;                                     
Oh Bertie, I'm ready ..                                     
"Oh go back to sleep you old cow."                          
                                                            
64832 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Oh Bertie .. <nudge nudge>  "Go to sleep."                  
But Bertie, my dear ..  "It'll keep."                       
I want your sweet lovin' ..                                 
"For fuck's sake stop shovin',                              
And leave me alone you old heap."                           
                                                            
64833 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Hey Bertie, remember when ..  "That                         
Is more than enough of your chat."                          
But Bertie ..  "Oh shite!"                                  
Can we .. ?  "No; not tonight!                              
Can't you shaddup yer face, you old bat?"                   
                                                            
64834 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



But Bertie I'll ..  "Go back to sleep!"                     
Pretend to be Little Bo Peep.                               
"For heaven's sake, wife;                                   
Get a grip on yer life!                                     
Can't you see that I'm screwin' this sheep?"                
                                                            
64835 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Says an ace soccer center named Fedder:                     
"I really do well with a spreader.                          
I prefer my free kicks                                      
With a groupie who sticks                                   
To that great scoring tactic, the Header!"                  
                                                            
64836 SPORTS - SOCCER                Jim Weaver Collection    



In Italy, life is a drag;                                   
Casanovas are starting to nag.                              
"It's becoming a bore;                                      
Whenever I score,                                           
I instinctively look for a flag."                           
                                                            
64837 SPORTS - SOCCER                Rudy Froese              



A bad football team from West Leighup                       
Was in want of a very big gee-up.                           
The coach had to beg,                                       
For they'd each just one leg,                               
Which they saved for the after match knee-up.               
                                                            
64838 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



They had premier division in mind,                          
But for this they fell far behind.                          
Not wishing to jeer,                                        
The reason was clear:                                       
The goallie was also quite blind.                           
                                                            
64839 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



Their last fixture was against Skegness;                    
They lost - three goals, two rings, one necklace.           
After relegation                                            
To their true station,                                      
They drowned all their sorrows, got legless.                
                                                            
64840 SPORTS - SOCCER                                         



To the rookie said soccer coach Fred,                       
"If you can't stop the ball we are dead."                   
But the man was a gent,                                     
For the guy really meant:                                   
"You had better start using your head."                     
                                                            
64841 SPORTS - SOCCER                Albin Chaplin       P9505



While the World Cup in soccer's contested,                  
I can sit on my couch and be rested.                        
But the soccer's so boring                                  
That I soon end up snoring,                                 
With my dinner completely digested.                         
                                                            
64842 SPORTS - SOCCER                Limerick Man             



A football team had a good goalie;                          
His weakness was plain ravioli.                             
His waistline expanded,                                     
He became heavy-handed,                                     
And behaved like a slow roly-poly.                          
                                                            
64843 SPORTS - SOCCER                Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young striker from Spain,                       
Who hated to play in the rain.                              
On day, in a muddle,                                        
He stepped in a puddle                                      
And got washed away down a drain.                           
                                                            
64844 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



A football referee named Sid Shard                          
Was fair, but his decisions were hard.                      
When he got to his house,                                   
There was no sign of his spouse.                            
He gave his missing wife a red card!                        
                                                            
64845 SPORTS - SOCCER                Arthur Pattaffy          



The wonderful Wizard of Oz                                  
Retired from football because                               
When he tried to run fast,                                  
His legs didn't last,                                       
'Cause he wasn't the wizard he was.                         
                                                            
64846 SPORTS - SOCCER                Mary Lamp                



Now the World cup has reached its third day;                
Tell me, when will the teams start to play?                 
None has yet scored more goals                              
Than a magnet has poles,                                    
But like magnets, they draw, draw away!                     
                                                            
64847 SPORTS - SOCCER                Prof M-G           TP9806



Football's the world's favorite game,                       
So why do Yanks rip off its name                            
For a game of their own,                                    
Where the balls carried or thrown,                          
Would anyone try to explain?                                
                                                            
64848 SPORTS - SOCCER                Tim                      



A disconsolate loser named Gino                             
Was arrested for pouting at Keno.                           
To gamble long-faced                                        
Is considered bad taste,                                    
And a misdemeanor, in Reno.                                 
                                                            
64849 SPORTS - TABLE                 Cybergeezer              



There once was a Philatilist whose                          
Collection at first grew and grew.                          
He thought he'd sell them;                                  
That's when they'd tell him,                                
"They're not worth anything used!"                          
                                                            
64850 SPORTS - TABLE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



PING PONG, a game of skill quick,                           
It too's felt the trademark's short lick;                   
For all that I knew,                                        
The white orb that flew,                                    
Was merely a sport, generic.                                
                                                            
64851 SPORTS - TABLE                 Chris Papa               



At table tennis, also known as ping pong,                   
She was good and surprisingly strong.                       
Forehand, slice and spin,                                   
She would get them all in;                                  
I wish she had stayed in Hong Kong!                         
                                                            
64852 SPORTS - TABLE                 Arthur Pattaffy          



I know I must be wrong,                                     
I cannot love Ping-pong;                                    
I cannot sing                                               
In praise of ping;                                          
I have no song for pong.                                    
                                                            
64853 SPORTS - TABLE                 Punch 1902, Vol 122, p56 



In the U.S. we play the game "Clue"                         
And we certainly know what to do.                           
With Miss Scarlett and Peacock                              
And Ms White, they will all dock,                           
Then we find how they did what to who!                      
                                                            
64854 SPORTS - TABLE                 CM                       



"It's double or nothing," he said.                          
His wife was reclined on the bed;                           
"The twins are awake,                                       
For goodness sake;                                          
Let's bring out the scrabble instead."                      
                                                            
64855 SPORTS - TABLE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



My opponents have been known to whine,                      
'Cause I win at Scrabble all the time.                      
They can't spell worth shit,                                
And can't seem to get                                       
Their tiles in a perfect straight line.                     
                                                            
64856 SPORTS - TABLE                 Carol                    



Goodbye to the old Scrabble font;                           
The factory in Fairfax, Vermont,                            
That each day made piles                                    
Of those hard maple tiles;                                  
Now it has CLOSED on't.                                     
                                                            
64857 SPORTS - TABLE                 Prof M-G                 



What shatters a great game of Scrabble?                     
I'll tell you, folks, it's when I dabble                    
Up under the table,                                         
The pussy of Mabel                                          
And she will incessantly babble!                            
                                                            
64858 SPORTS - TABLE                 Travis Brasell           



I know that it's one of your wiles                          
To be dropping one of your tiles.                           
And Mabel gets hot                                          
When you've found the G-spot,                               
On your first try, and breaks out in smiles                 
                                                            
64859 SPORTS - TABLE                 Tiddy Ogg                



Said a judge at a stamp exhibition,                         
"This entry shows great erudition,                          
But we should impose fines                                  
For between the lines,                                      
I count sixty-nine acts of coition."                        
                                                            
64860 SPORTS - TABLE                 Jeff Purser              



A young man from Grimsby called Short,                      
Used to give things a great deal of thought --              
Like, Is there a God?                                       
How long is a cod?                                          
And, Is stamp collecting a sport?                           
                                                            
64861 SPORTS - TABLE                 Michael Palin            



A Japanese clown name of Yo                                 
Played board games between every show.                      
He wore funny hats                                          
As well as white spats;                                     
He's now known for his getup and Go.                        
                                                            
64862 SPORTS - TABLE                 Tom Patton          P0303



At Fitzgerald's the action was hot,                         
When the chips hit the round betting dot.                   
A jack and an ace                                           
Put a smile on my face;                                     
Luck's rainbow just shone on my pot!                        
                                                            
64863 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Darel                    



I went to Atlantic (the City);                              
The poker game beckoned, "Here, kitty...."                  
My cards weren't hot;                                       
I lost every pot.                                           
On the bus home, I sulked in self-pity.                     
                                                            
64864 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Bluebird            P9809



A doting, card-playing elder                                
Said "Son, she's you wife if you've held her                
Close enough to trasmit                                     
Your seed to her clit.                                      
Back to cards now: You had better meld her."                
                                                            
64865 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Wasi                     



I hope that you're not keeping score.                       
That breath took a second, not more.                        
Solitaire's the wrong game                                  
Once you've set me aflame.                                  
My black jack wants some play that's hardcore.              
                                                            
64866 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



A ruffled bridge player named Slade                         
Was trumped by his wife and dismayed.                       
With her heart she did mess                                 
A sure diamond finess,                                      
So he clubbed her to death with a spade.                    
                                                            
64867 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Albin Chaplin   3024-2793



Have you heard of th blonde in Tahoker                      
Who lost her first game of strip poker?                     
In nine months to the day,                                  
She'd a baby, they say;                                     
"Well," she said, "I've discarded the joker."               
                                                            
64868 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                             G1726



I played with a lady at Eucher                              
And did all I knew for to roochre                           
But spite of my play,                                       
At the end of the day,                                      
She won and I promptly forsoochre.                          
                                                            
64869 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Rudyard Kipling     P8903



There once were four people at Euchre;                      
They played for mere love not for lucre;                    
But the noise that they made,                               
O'er each diamond and spade,                                
Would convince you 'twas warfare, not Euchre.               
                                                            
64870 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Rudyard Kipling1889 P8903



A riddler who hailed from the Strand,                       
"Why is sex much like bridge?" he'd demand;                 
The answer, though sad:                                     
If your partner is bad,                                     
Well, then you'd best have a good hand."                    
                                                            
64871 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Ed Potts            P8508



A card of a man would connect                               
With the trumps he preferred to select.                     
To ensure his successes                                     
With Ritzy heiresses,                                       
He kept his own standard erect.                             
                                                            
64872 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Bill Backe-Hansen   P9006



In a strip-poker parlor called Dante's,                     
A maiden had just lost her panties.                         
She blushed, looked around,                                 
And guess what she found?                                   
All the male players were raising their antes!              
                                                            
64873 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



The curvaceous cutie, Miss Coker,                           
Regrets ever playing strip poker.                           
When she lost, she soon found                               
She was rushed bedroom bound,                               
With seven guys drooling to stroke her.                     
                                                            
64874 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Grand Prix Lim  080 G0552



There was a cute girl from Madrid,                          
Who was naughty in all that she did.                        
She played strip poker,                                     
Until it broke her,                                         
Which made her a popular kid.                               
                                                            
64875 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



She gambles, 'cause money's her goal.                       
But at times, she just loses control.                       
She hides cards in her bra,                                 
And once, in the raw,                                       
She was found with an ace in the hole.                      
                                                            
64876 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Al Willis           P9703



If poker I'm given to bear,                                 
At D. Parton men like to stare,                             
Are ready to name,                                          
New rules to the game,                                      
Nothing else beats a big pair.                              
                                                            
64877 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Chris Papa               



Have you heard the sad story of Pete,                       
Who claimed a truly bad beat?                               
His four Kings and an Ace                                   
Just couldn't keep pace                                     
When a river card brought his defeat.                       
(what is a river card? - McW)                               
64878 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Gary Oliver         P9705



In Las Vegas, a maiden named Carol                          
Was arrested for wearing a barrel.                          
She'd not drawn the joker                                   
While playing strip poker,                                  
And lost all her other apparel.                             
                                                            
64879 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Cybergeezer              



There was a young gal named Ophelia,                        
Who claimed living simply, would heal ya.                   
To help you get broker,                                     
She'd play you at poker,                                    
And cards off the bottom would deal ya.                     
                                                            
64880 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Tiddy Ogg                



Her beauty made trees out of stumps.                        
Though I taught her bridge hands, and what's trumps,        
When she played bridge with me,                             
She declared, "I bid three                                  
Of the black things with three funny bumps."                
                                                            
64881 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Jemstone            P0001



A gay lost his boots in a game                              
Of Gay Poker -- the rules aren't the same.                  
'Straight' flushes are banned                               
In the homosexual brand,                                    
And the King -- not the Queen -- 's called a 'dame'.        
                                                            
64882 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         H Myer                   



The female card players eat grub,                           
While the poker hands cause a hubbub.                       
Low hands always win;                                       
It's how they cash in;                                      
That's why they attend The Worst Fives Club.                
                                                            
64883 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Tom Patton               



I picked up my cards with a blush.                          
Across the whole room fell a hush;                          
I'd been dealt four aces                                    
And I was voracious,                                        
But damn it!  He had a straight flush!                      
                                                            
64884 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Gary Hallock             



My chips were down to a few,                                
So I went shy for a hundred then two.                       
I was sure my four threes                                   
Would win in a breeze,                                      
But four sevens proved my Waterloo.                         
                                                            
64885 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Norm                     



The boys in the bunkhouse play gin                          
With anyone wandering in.                                   
But if they should lose,                                    
They go out and booze --                                    
The same thing they do if they win.                         
                                                            
64886 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



I tried playing strip poker once.                           
The others made me look a dunce.                            
I wore lots of clothes                                      
(They got most of those).                                   
I'm too old for juvenile stunts.                            
                                                            
64887 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



I don't play that poker card game.                          
Before you think that is a shame,                           
Consider the fates                                          
Of aces and eights                                          
The dead-man's-hand my life might claim.                    
                                                            
64888 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Marlene                  



Or else someone gets all my clothes                         
And I have to go home half froze.                           
You can play for money?!                                    
I don't think that's funny;                                 
Did not know that I could have chose.                       
                                                            
64889 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



I've learned that a game of pinochle                        
With Mabel, who's hot, makes me buckle                      
Down quickly to land                                        
A very good hand,                                           
Which leads me to score when we fuckle.                     
                                                            
64890 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Travis Brasell           



There was a young girl of Aberystwyth                       
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.               
Said the miller's son Jack,                                 
"Here's two friends and a pack,                             
So we have what we need to play whist with."                
                                                            
64891 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



A hand is a wonderful thing;                                
Such pleasure and joy it can bring.                         
But it helps a whole lot                                    
If you hit the right spot                                   
With four aces, some luck, and a king.                      
                                                            
64892 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Friar                    



You flushed when she showed you her pair.                   
She raised you. (straight up in the air)                    
Your ace in the hole                                        
Made you lose control.                                      
Poker face? Don't know. Do you dare?                        
                                                            
64893 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Ericka                   



An oil dealer from the state of Kuwait,                     
Was the best that they had in the state.                    
He was quite good at poker,                                 
Which was good for a broker;                                
The cards often conclude a deal's fate.                     
                                                            
64894 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Arthur Pattaffy          



Holding hands is a wonderful thing;                         
Much pleasure and joy it can bring.                         
I held one last night,                                      
With such glee and delight --                               
Four aces (kiss-kiss), and a king!                          
                                                            
64895 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Friar                    



There once was a funny old joker                            
Who made his living playing poker.                          
He lived in squalor                                         
And seldom had a dollar.                                    
Said he, "At poker, I'm very mediocre."                     
                                                            
64896 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Samuel C Smith      P9803



A flush that is royal is tops,                              
A flush that is straight always stops                       
Four of a kind,                                             
And then you will find                                      
A house that is full hits the spot.                         
                                                            
64897 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Silvia S Crockett   P0104



A straight beats a grouping of three,                       
Then two pair's the hand you will see,                      
Then one pair is tops                                       
For taking the pot,                                         
Or the high card just might be the key.                     
                                                            
64898 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Silvia S Crockett   P0104



When playing draw poker, don't choose                       
Poor cards for you likely will lose.                        
I greatly suspect                                           
If low cards you'll reject,                                 
You'll fare better soon, I'd de-deuce.                      
                                                            
64899 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Gary Hallock             



'Twas a long night of poker and gin,                        
With each redneck determined to win.                        
When one player dropped,                                    
The game was not stopped,                                   
For they let Rigor Mortis set in.                           
                                                            
64900 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Bob Birch           P9806



A winning poker player named Pete,                          
Was honest and never would cheat.                           
As he laid down his hand,                                   
He said, "Ain't it just grand?"                             
Then proceeded to shuffle his feat.                         
                                                            
64901 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Tom Patton          P0311



In heaven, explorers were yellin',                          
Flaring tempers with big egos swellin'.                     
At their poker games,                                       
All these famous names,                                     
Couldn't beat the straights of Magellan.                    
                                                            
64902 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Tom Patton          P0107



East-West at strip bridge, in the buff!                     
They giggled, "We've lost quite enough..."                  
We cried, "No, not so!                                      
There's still more to go...                                 
If we win, you two shave off your muff!"                    
                                                            
64903 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Tiddy Ogg                



While playing strip poker with Kate,                        
I noticed I'd gotten a straight.                            
But just to the six                                         
And Katie restricts                                         
Her folds to those having an eight.                         
                                                            
64904 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Anon                     



As the other guys watch, dearest Stiles,                    
That game of strip poker smiles,                            
I'll say, "How d'you do?                                    
I'm sure pleased to meet you;                               
Your offer is one which beguiles."                          
                                                            
64905 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



Here's a sport with a nice special twist,                   
One that is not to be missed.                               
I'll wiggle my hip                                          
Playing Poker called Strip;                                 
First one naked gets to be kissed.                          
                                                            
64906 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Arden                    



Have you heard of the babe from Tahoker                     
Who lost her first game of strip poker?                     
In nine months, with a day off,                             
She ejected the payoff,                                     
Saying, "Now I'm discarding my joker!"                      
                                                            
64907 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Grand Prix Lim  759      



An impulsive young man from Muskoker                        
Sat down for a game of strip poker.                         
His jacket and tie                                          
Fell to pairs -- aces high,                                 
And his trousers he lost to a joker.                        
                                                            
64908 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Hugh Oliver           70b



At a party we all played strip poker.                       
I sat between Cher and Bram Stoker.                         
When old Brian Clough                                       
Stripped down to the buff,                                  
It was then that I played my joker!                         
                                                            
64909 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Bill Wall                



I folded and took off my shoes.                             
Lost my T-shsirt on two pair of two's.                      
Next came my sockies,                                       
Followed close by my jockies.                               
(Makes you think I was trying to lose.)                     
                                                            
64910 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Irish                    



I tried playing strip poker once.                           
The others made me look a dunce.                            
I wore lots of clothes                                      
(They got most of those).                                   
I'm too old for juvenile stunts.                            
                                                            
64911 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Marlene                  



Bill Smithers of Huntington Station                         
No longer views life with elation,                          
Since sexing Miss Clarty                                    
At a strip poker party,                                     
Has resulted in fresh population.                           
                                                            
64912 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Grand Prix Lim  654      



Sometimes (I've got to be pissed,)                          
I'll deal for a game of strip whist,                        
With that rare thing, a virgin,                             
Who need little urgin',                                     
To go a few tricks, once we've kissed.                      
                                                            
64913 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Tiddy Ogg                



While playing at bridge, Mr. Hubbell                        
Was stung when his wife passed his double,                  
So he killed her with glee                                  
And the judge set him free                                  
For a passed take-out double means trouble.                 
                                                            
64914 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Albin Chaplin   3024-2621



Again, may I peek at your hands?                            
I'll keep my own hand on my glans,                          
Controlling my aim,                                         
'Cause hold 'em's my game.                                  
I'll 'flop' my spunk 'river' in cans.                       
                                                            
64915 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS                                  



At poker she's oft at her best,                             
When she holds the cards close to her chest.                
She was so well endowed,                                    
Other players were cowed,                                   
By her hands very close to the crest!                       
                                                            
64916 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Arthur Pattaffy          



Being screwed by strange dude woke rich bitch;              
How dare you, you son of a bitch!                           
Undeterred, he just purred;                                 
Fought your ex for his bird;                                
And I won you asleep at the switch.                         
                                                            
64917 SPORTS - TABLE - CARDS         Esther Koch              



A student who hated to lose                                 
Took five to ten minutes to move.                           
His sensei said "While it's                                 
A tedious practise,                                         
At least it allows me to snooze."                           
                                                            
64918 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



An earnest young dan from Sri Lanka                         
Was getting the hang of the haengma.                        
Her stones flowed and surged;                               
Groups linked up and merged.                                
She said, "Soon my games'll be in Ranka."                   
                                                            
64919 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



A tourist in fair Hokkaido                                  
Begged a wise man, "Just one game of Go!"                   
Said the learned sensei,                                    
"Being so eager to play                                     
Loses two stones in strength, don't you know."              
                                                            
64920 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



A room full  of clam shell and slate;                       
A painstaking game was my fate.                             
We opened debates;                                          
Soon I was in dire straits.                                 
The sense of good shape came too late.                      
                                                            
64921 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



Upon losing, Sue cried out in pain,                         
And screamed, "I never lose! It's insane!                   
You cheated!  You suck!                                     
I just had bad luck!                                        
Then typed: "Thanks for an excellent game."                 
                                                            
64922 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



A pale pimply kid told me "Yo!                              
Let us play a game of that Go.                              
I've not played before now,                                 
But I'll give 9 stones and a bow,                           
'Cause I've read Hikaru no Go!"                             
                                                            
64923 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



A Go player was from Detroit,                               
Who thought his fuseki adroit.                              
The ladder he played,                                       
Left his stones filleted.                                   
His opponent found him easy to exploit.                     
                                                            
64924 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



In the midst of a heated jubango,                           
I made a hideous dango.                                     
My opponent cried, "Right!                                  
I've got you tonight!"                                      
And danced a gleeful fandango.                              
                                                            
64925 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



There was an old 3k of Roma                                 
Who always had garlic aroma.                                
With his bodily smoke,                                      
His opponent would choke,                                   
And promptly fall into a coma.                              
                                                            
64926 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



There once was a young girl from Shoban,                    
Whose dad said,"We're racing to shogan!"                    
He'd taught her to play                                     
But his edge lost its sway                                  
After she finally bought her own goban.                     
                                                            
64927 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



In last week's go course, Ms Guo Jan                        
Patchi'd a magnetic goban!                                  
She showed the kiai                                         
Of Akira and Sai.                                           
As you guessed, I'm a Hikaru fan.                           
                                                            
64928 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



Speaking of which, I submit                                 
To her Go skills, humor and wit.                            
"Interesting move!"                                         
Precluded the proof.                                        
My idea was a total misfit.                                 
                                                            
64929 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



After analyzing the endgame component,                      
Young Michael stopped for a moment,                         
Then threw 'gainst the wall,                                
Goban stones and all --                                     
Before uppercutting his opponent!                           
                                                            
64930 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



A book-learned high kyu from Kent,                          
In late chuban had cause to lament.                         
"I opened on tengen,                                        
Just like Go Seigen,                                        
But don't know where my influence went!"                    
                                                            
64931 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



I went to a toy-selling store                               
To ask for the game we adore.                               
A Go-set I craved                                           
But left quite amazed --                                    
It doesn't exist anymore!                                   
                                                            
64932 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



As much as I like to play Go,                               
Some joseki I just do not know.                             
If I play a kakari                                          
To prevent a shimari,                                       
A pincer will cause me much woe.                            
                                                            
64933 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



When playing among many flies,                              
"How very annoying," he cries.                              
Until with a frown,                                         
Looking where one sat down,                                 
He discovers, "That group of stones dies!"                  
                                                            
64934 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



A 3k player from Toulouse,                                  
Had a bad tendency to snooze.                               
So while he had snored,                                     
This opponent won the board.                                
He thought he'd not deserve to lose.                        
                                                            
64935 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



A brilliant nidan from Seattle,                             
Annoyingly stones liked to rattle.                          
Until a 1-kyu                                               
With a handful of glue                                      
Brought tranquility back to the battle.                     
                                                            
64936 SPORTS - TABLE - GO            Arno and Morten          



On the table, he's an expert at pool;                       
His dad taught him.  He is no fool.                         
He's won prize after prize,                                 
The players eulogise.                                       
We don't know just how he's so cool!                        
                                                            
64937 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Arthur Pattaffy          



A young snooker player named Jones,                         
Cleared the table.  His cue's made of bones.                
He pots reds, black and pink;                               
He does not even think.                                     
His opponents cannot hide their groans.                     
                                                            
64938 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Arthur Pattaffy          



A chemist I knew, Molly Cule,                               
Taught atomic collisions in school,                         
Bouncing hard colored balls                                 
Off rectangular walls...                                    
Now she's tripled her pay, playing pool!                    
                                                            
64939 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Prof M-G                 



There's a certain club known as The Players,                
Frequented by guys who ain't prayers,                       
Excepting at pool,                                          
Where they pray as a rule                                   
That their conquerors fall down the stayers.                
                                                            
64940 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Don Maquis & Adams  P9506



There is a young stud in the Falls                          
Whose attitude simply appalls.                              
He continues to vex                                         
The opposite sex                                            
Saying, "Pool can't be played without balls."               
                                                            
64941 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Jim Weaver Collection    



While I know it seems rather crude,                         
I like to play pool in the nude.                            
While making a shot                                         
I never get hot,                                            
But rack the wrong balls and you're screwed.                
                                                            
64942 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Jim Weaver Collection    



One question I've puzzled for days;                         
Just where do they get the green baize                      
To cover the table,                                         
Where young men are able                                    
To misspend their lives' youthful phase?                    
                                                            
64943 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Tiddy                    



It may well be grown just like cress,                       
And billiard parlors may be blessed                         
With wee elfin sowers                                       
And reaper and mowers,                                      
Who keep its condition the best.                            
                                                            
64944 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Tiddy Ogg                



The subject of cloning appalls                              
Wise sages in most billiard halls;                          
So, while this debate                                       
Continues, I'll wait                                        
Right here and keep racking my balls.                       
                                                            
64945 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Travis Brasell           



And while I don't play this fun game,                       
I used to with brothers who flame.                          
Cue sticks I did whack                                      
On my brother's back;                                       
To me, hitting balls was too tame.                          
                                                            
64946 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Bridget                  



A snooker player mishandled his cue;                        
Said he felt he was now in a stew.                          
He had ripped through the cloth;                            
The owner waxeth wroth.                                     
The player donned his coat, and he flew!                    
                                                            
64947 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Arthur Pattaffy          



I hear billiards is played by some dolls;                   
But snooker's not chosen in halls                           
Where girls come to play.                                   
And the reason they say                                     
Is that girls like the heavier balls.                       
                                                            
64948 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Hugh Clary               



In snooker halls this side of town,                         
I've heard that there's many a clown,                       
Who often will think                                        
About kissing the pink,                                     
And then going off in the brown.                            
                                                            
64949 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young laddie from Goole,                        
Who was not very good with a tool.                          
But with a snooker cue,                                     
And an odd beer or two,                                     
He'd take on all -- snooker or pool!                        
                                                            
64950 SPORTS - TABLE - POOL          Arthur Pattaffy          



"Saw you players at Wimbledon Court?"                       
"No, though all is at love, and time's short!"              
"You mean, soon they will score?"                           
"No, Advantage downpour,                                    
Rain, not love, conquers all in this sport!"                
                                                            
64951 SPORTS - TENNIS                Prof M-G           TP9806



Off to Wimbledon flew old Al Dennison.                      
"How come?" to Al's sister said Glen, a son.                
She said, "Uncle Al                                         
Used to play with a pal --                                  
And I've often heard Alfred laud tennis, son!"              
                                                            
64952 SPORTS - TENNIS                Martin B. Smith     P8309



An oversexed tennist named Hatch                            
Would kill just to fill up a snatch;                        
He entangled a deb                                          
In his amorous web                                          
And took her for game, set, and match.                      
                                                            
64953 SPORTS - TENNIS                Armand E Singer       518



When Bobby played tennis with King,                         
His racket he rammed up her thing.                          
But the smash that she threw                                
Turned Bobby's balls blue,                                  
And his prick he now wears in a sling.                      
                                                            
64954 SPORTS - TENNIS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1800



Two young people, expert at sports,                         
Played a love game at tennis resorts,                       
But when they were wed                                      
They quarreled instead,                                     
And soon they were back in the courts.                      
                                                            
64955 SPORTS - TENNIS                Lauring Perrine     P8306



While serving to Billie Jean King,                          
I suddenly heard a loud ping.                               
To the roars of applause,                                   
She slipped on some new drawers,                            
Which an umpire'd remembered to bring.                      
                                                            
64956 SPORTS - TENNIS                Bill Wall                



The tennis instructor, John Hackett,                        
Lofts a ball for the co-ed to whack it.                     
But his teaching is best                                    
With his arms 'round her chest;                             
Coach Hackett has a fantastic racket.                       
                                                            
64957 SPORTS - TENNIS                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



I once knew a young man named Dennis;                       
With the girls he was always a menace.                      
He often got caught                                         
At his favourite sport,                                     
And I know that you know it's not tennis!                   
                                                            
64958 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



A barrister pleading a tort,                                
Found the beautiful judge quite a sport.                    
She was hitched to no man,                                  
And a great tennis fan,                                     
So he courted the court on the court.                       
                                                            
64959 SPORTS - TENNIS                C. J. Scheiner      P8405



There was a young fellow named Dennis,                      
Who played a mean game of tennis;                           
He'd dash and he'd slash,                                   
Sometimes he'd hit trash;                                   
They all called him Dennis the Menace.                      
                                                            
64960 SPORTS - TENNIS                Bob Phillips             



I'm your fairy Godfather, Coach Dennis,                     
That's cloud-9's male answer to tennis.                     
I'll game, set and match                                    
Two balls for your snatch;                                  
For my racquet I will use my penis.                         
                                                            
64961 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



Which gives such a top spin return.                         
Once serviced you will always yearn                         
For it's fiery pace                                         
And as for my ace,                                          
White hot.  Lessons free.  Wanna learn?                     
                                                            
64962 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



"We'll start out on court number nine;                      
Let's lift up your arm there, just fine.                    
Now lean towards me,                                        
That's good, I can see                                      
Your breasts, they are simply devine.                       
                                                            
64963 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



A zealous young woman from Ennis,                           
Was strangely addicted to tennis.                           
One sweltering day                                          
She faded away,                                             
And a trembling cleric said "Finis".                        
                                                            
64964 SPORTS - TENNIS                Anon                     



"Tennis? No, not in this dress.                             
I know that I try to impress --                             
But with skirts and long sleeves,                           
It is hard to believe                                       
That I won't fall down on my ass!                           
                                                            
64965 SPORTS - TENNIS                Whyte9ght           T9707



My equipment, I thought I'd unpack it,                      
And show Jane the length of my racket.                      
She said "Fifteen, love,  (centimeters)                     
Ain't nearly enough,                                        
To win at this game, so go whack it.                        
                                                            
64966 SPORTS - TENNIS                Tiddy Ogg                



The girls tennis team has new coaches                       
Who teach all the new net approaches;                       
And when they're not teaching                               
The coaches are preaching:                                  
"You girls keep your cunts free of roaches!"                
                                                            
64967 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



At tennis she had a bad patch.                              
Her doctor said that she'd soon hatch.                      
Her game, not so great,                                     
Plus all that extra weight,                                 
He said it was game, layette and scratch!!                  
                                                            
64968 SPORTS - TENNIS                Arthur Pattaffy          



I'm off to the old tennis courts,                           
For what is the greatest of sports.                         
I'll feel really grand                                      
Until I get banned,                                         
For watching girls play in short shorts.                    
                                                            
64969 SPORTS - TENNIS                Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a fellow named Dennis                        
Who liked to play tennis in Venice.                         
The Chief of Police,                                        
"Desist, Sir, and Cease!                                    
Your net is a goldola menace."                              
                                                            
64970 SPORTS - TENNIS                Irving Superior     P8306



A good tennis serve is an ace,                              
As it lands in the court at a pace.                         
Backhand or forehand,                                       
It may need some more hand,                                 
So your shot will not end in disgrace.                      
                                                            
64971 SPORTS - TENNIS                Arthur Pattaffy          



The magician did tricks so mysterious                       
That he drove all his audience delirious.                   
But when asked by friend Dennis                             
To make England win tennis                                  
He said, "Really, you cannot be serious."                   
                                                            
64972 SPORTS - TENNIS                Funfax Limericks         



Complained an old spinster named Bubbles,                   
"It's sex that is causing me troubles;                      
People need to agree                                        
To derive joie de vie                                       
From games such as tennis court doubles.                    
                                                            
64973 SPORTS - TENNIS                Armand E Singer       893



When Harry once won a long set,                             
He tried to jump over the net.                              
But he flew far too low                                     
And landed on Flo,                                          
And he hasn't got off of her yet!                           
                                                            
64974 SPORTS - TENNIS                Miss Pattibar       P8306



There was a young man from Venice,                          
Who played a good game of lawn tennis.                      
But the game he liked best,                                 
Far more that the rest,                                     
Was played with two balls and a penis.                      
                                                            
64975 SPORTS - TENNIS                                    L1554



Been watching the Aus Open Tennis,                          
(I laugh at the hair worn by Venus).                        
It's deuce to a dove;                                       
I'm fully in love                                           
With the swiss girl, Martina Hingis!                        
(Professional tennis players)                               
64976 SPORTS - TENNIS                Archie                   



She runs and she jumps on her toes,                         
And stretches right up -- (there it goes).                  
Her black and white dress                                   
Is feeling the stress --                                    
And her neat little knickers she shows!                     
                                                            
64977 SPORTS - TENNIS                Archie                   



On the court with the Swede, Mats Wilander,                 
I couldn't help taking a gander.                            
His shorts were so tight,                                   
Oh my word!  What a sight!                                  
No wonder his grips a two-hander.                           
                                                            
64978 SPORTS - TENNIS                Bill Wall                



There was a young fellow called Dennis                      
Who thought he could play regal tennis.                     
He shot his first ball                                      
Through a hole in the wall,                                 
And everyone thought him a menace.                          
                                                            
64979 SPORTS - TENNIS                Kevin Hammond            



On TV, it should not come to pass                           
That a player's face down on the grass.                     
Swiping at a lob,                                           
Cost her trainer his job.                                   
For the U.S. she's been lowered a class!                    
                                                            
64980 SPORTS - TENNIS                Arthur Pattaffy          



A shapely young lady named Glennis                          
Developed a passion for tennis.                             
For the serves she did dance,                               
And showed off her pants,                                   
Attracting a knickers-starved menace!                       
                                                            
64981 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



There was a tennis player named Bob                         
Who never had had a hand job.                               
One day with his racket,                                    
He decided to whack it,                                     
And his come-shot was a right proper lob.                   
                                                            
64982 SPORTS - TENNIS                Tom Simon                



There was a young Tennis Pro named Terry,                   
While on court saw something quite scary.                   
It had a gross hairy gut,                                   
And wore sunglasses on its butt....                         
Dear God! It was Nick Bollettieri !                         
                                                            
64983 SPORTS - TENNIS                Jim Weaver Collection    



The girls tennis team has new coaches                       
Who teach all the new net approaches.                       
And when they're not teaching,                              
The coaches are preaching:                                  
"You girls keep your cunts free of roaches!"                
                                                            
64984 SPORTS - TENNIS                Travis Brasell           



Consider the sportsman named Dennis,                        
Who in foreplay appeared such a menace.                     
In a love match, his stroke                                 
Was no more than a joke,                                    
And his balls were good only for tennis.                    
                                                            
64985 SPORTS - TENNIS                Pierce Evans             



An athletic fellow in Venice,                               
Got the stones from straining at tennis.                    
When his jock wouldn't stand,                               
She who had it in hand,                                     
Said, "These outdoor sports are a menace."                  
                                                            
64986 SPORTS - TENNIS                                    L1229



A spritely old bugger named Hacket                          
Had a cock shaped like a tennis racket,                     
And one testical only;                                      
When e'er he got lonly,                                     
He could toss in the air and then whack it.                 
                                                            
64987 SPORTS - TENNIS                Gilded Codpiece          



None play tennis like Pistol Pete;   (Sampras)              
This week he was sharp; he was neat.                        
But he just blew it                                         
Against Leighton Hewitt;                                    
He must have had clay on his feet.                          
                                                            
64988 SPORTS - TENNIS                Tony Burrell             



In tennis when Polacks will play,                           
No net 'cause it gets in the way.                           
And each player calls                                       
A can of three balls                                        
Unmanly and throws one away.                                
                                                            
64989 SPORTS - TENNIS                Irving Superior     P8909



The wild serve of "Slammer" McSput,                         
Hit his partner smack in her butt.                          
So she signaled for time,                                   
Marched to colleague in crime,                              
And quick-kicked him in his left nut.                       
                                                            
64990 SPORTS - TENNIS                Al Kracht                



So where did he find this cohort,                           
Who seems to be such a poor sport?                          
'Twas excessively cruel                                     
To kick this man's jewel,                                   
And I think he should take her to court!                    
                                                            
64991 SPORTS - TENNIS                Bob Birch                



A monkey whose nicknamed was Dennis                         
Was surprisingly good playing tennis.                       
The girls praised the monk                                  
For his techique and spunk,                                 
But on dates he's a positive menace.                        
                                                            
64992 SPORTS - TENNIS                Neal Wilgus         P8307



"How the days of our Youth hurry by"                        
Are the words that the young tennis pros cry,               
As they practice all day                                    
And accept for their pay                                    
The cheers, and Ferraris they buy.                          
                                                            
64993 SPORTS - TENNIS                Irving Superior     P9607



In a nice tennis match, I did curse,                        
And of course I then played even worse.                     
I then tightened my noose                                   
With some racquet abuse --                                  
Now I'm 200 bucks out of purse!                             
                                                            
64994 SPORTS - TENNIS                Mike Dale                



There was a young fellow of Ennis,                          
Who was very effective at tennis;                           
The way he said, "Love!"                                    
Made each turtle dove                                       
Think the racquet more mighty than pen is. (penis?)         
                                                            
64995 SPORTS - TENNIS                Anon Punch 1920   (Bibby)



The storm wasn't bad in Glen Burnie,                        
Though it did kinda mess up my tourney                      
Of tennis that day,                                         
When I tried to go play,                                    
But wasted my time with the journey.                        
                                                            
64996 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



Arantxa Sanchez Vicario                                     
Wins third French Open scenario                             
From Monica Seles --                                        
She's tennis's zealous                                      
New queen, and court impresario!                            
                                                            
64997 SPORTS - TENNIS                Prof M-G           TP9806



That extraordinary grunting of Seles,                       
Her opponents describe as quite hellish.                    
The noise she is making                                     
You'd swear she was faking,                                 
But it's something the gentlemen relish.                    
                                                            
64998 SPORTS - TENNIS                Bill Wall                



The Williams, Serena and Venus,                             
Do more than just play at teeness,                          
'Cause while they are servin',                              
I sit here, just pervin',                                   
And the next stroke will be on my penis!                    
                                                            
64999 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



And speaking of netball and passions,                       
Serena's now wearing hot fashions.                          
While playing the Open.                                     
And I am still hopin'                                       
To see a bunch more of her flashions.                       
                                                            
65000 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



When Wee Willie served up an ace,                           
He laughed at the servee's disgrace.                        
But the servee, big Boomer,                                 
With no sense of humor,                                     
Served Willie a fist in the face.                           
                                                            
65001 SPORTS - TENNIS                William N. Nesbit   P9511



Tennis? No, not in this dress.                              
My contacts could fall out, I guess.                        
These high heels won't pack it;                             
I've broken my racket.                                      
So wouldn't you rather undress?                             
                                                            
65002 SPORTS - TENNIS                Poet Lariat         T9707



The girls who play netball at school                        
Have sweet little tits as a rule;                           
And up their wee gym                                        
Suits, the flashes of quim                                  
Make it awfully hard...to keep cool.                        
                                                            
65003 SPORTS - TENNIS                Peter Wilkins            



And speaking of netball and passions,                       
Serena's now wearing hot fashions,                          
While playing the Open,                                     
And I am still hopin'                                       
Too see a bunch more of her flashions.                      
(Serena William in US Tennis Open)                          
65004 SPORTS - TENNIS                Travis Brasell           



A tennis instructor named Rawls                             
Was telling a couple of dolls,                              
"Today we'll wear jackets                                   
And use Cindy's rackets,                                    
And Susie can play with my balls."                          
                                                            
65005 SPORTS - TENNIS                                    P8306



In Australia, the country down under,                       
There is plenty of volleying thunder;                       
There tennis is won                                         
As ten is to one;                                           
How they win quite so often's a wonder!                     
                                                            
65006 SPORTS - TENNIS                Laurence Perrine    P8611



A kangaroo from down under                                  
Plays tenns with scarcely a blunder.                        
His service is forceful,                                    
His net play resourceful --                                 
At leaping the net, he's a wonder!                          
                                                            
65007 SPORTS - TENNIS                Bob Maximoff        P9011



The tennis player, McEnroe,                                 
To help deconcentrate his foe,                              
He swears. He snits.                                        
And "You are the pits."                                     
He'll nearby objects overthrow.                             
                                                            
65008 SPORTS - TENNIS                Irving Superior     P9511



He walked to the court with his balls,                      
Then he threw them against the hard walls;                  
And when they'd bounce back,                                
He would give them a smack,                                 
And his groans could be heard down the halls.               
                                                            
65009 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



At tennis, when playing Miss Pict,                          
All men were outsmarted and tricked.                        
Though she won every day,                                   
Yet in truth she did say,                                   
At the end of the day she was licked.                       
                                                            
65010 SPORTS - TENNIS                Albin Chaplin   3024-0866



Tennis elbow was painful to Fred,                           
So they screwed off the top of his head;                    
Then to deaden the pain                                     
They removed half his brain.                                
Now he's taken up golfing instead.                          
                                                            
65011 SPORTS - TENNIS                William N. Nesbit   P9511



There was a young lady of Venice                            
Who used hard-boiled eggs to play tennis.                   
People said, "That is wrong."                               
She replied, "Go along!                                     
You don't know how prolific my hen is."                     
                                                            
65012 SPORTS - TENNIS                Linda Marsh Coll         



Oh lithe, supple, sweet, Venus Williams;                    
I want you as surely do millions.                           
And if sis Serena's                                         
Young form comes between us,                                
I'll fuck her while suckling her hilliams.                  
                                                            
65013 SPORTS - TENNIS                Tiddy Ogg                



My dream is elopement with Venus                            
To where none can say that they've seen us.                 
Then I'd play my love game                                  
Till she calls out my name,                                 
Saying "GOD, what a peach of a penis!"                      
                                                            
65014 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



Your penis, it looks like a peach?                          
It just wouldn't do, wouldn't reach                         
Into Venus's deep.                                          
'Stead she'd fall fast asleep,                              
Dreaming of her sweet tennis teach. (er)                    
                                                            
65015 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



It's more like 'a peach of a gland';                        
When sucked it will quickly expand.                         
Then she'd find my serve                                    
Would soon hit a nerve,                                     
And wish she had played her back-hand.                      
                                                            
65016 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



I do try to keep my balls deep;                             
My angle of serve is quite steep.                           
If no ball of mine                                          
Can hit her baseline,                                       
I'll bow to that tennis coach creep.                        
                                                            
65017 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



The way that he handled her racket,                         
Could have got the poor teacher the sack, yet               
She did moan and implore,                                   
"Got the balls for one more?"                               
Said the ball boy, "Open up a new packet!"                  
                                                            
65018 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



I enjoy watching good tennis play;                          
Those young girls round and 'round, a 'soiree',             
Make me scream, "Oh Anna"                                   
"Oh Martina", the humana!                                   
And give me dreams of a French buffet!                      
                                                            
65019 SPORTS - TENNIS                                         



Two weeks of net-balls and line calls,                      
I find that this really appals.                             
So here I lay stiff                                         
And wondering if                                            
That Venus would like some new balls.                       
                                                            
65020 SPORTS - TENNIS                SFA                      



But what about sister Serena?                               
I think that on her I am keena.                             
For all of my faults,                                       
I'm hoping she vaults                                       
The net and she lands on my weena.                          
                                                            
65021 SPORTS - TENNIS                Tiddy Ogg                



No doubt she is fairer of face;                             
Her talents just light up the place.                        
Do float your balls out                                     
But I truly doubt                                           
She'd stand for being served by an Ace.                     
                                                            
65022 SPORTS - TENNIS                SFA                      



With fantasies I have watched Wimbledon;                    
Good Gracious!  Those girls are so nimbledon.               
Their powerful serves                                       
Show off their nice curves,                                 
And skimpy suits show off their quimbledon!                 
                                                            
65023 SPORTS - TENNIS                Travis Brasell           



There's a rumor about Yannick Noah:                         
In the showers, he's a bit of a goer!                       
He pretends he's an owl,                                    
With the aid of a towel,                                    
Two balls and a pink feather boa.                           
                                                            
65024 SPORTS - TENNIS                Bill Wall                



There was a young fellow named Ray                          
Who got a new boom'rang one day.                            
The unfortunate youth                                       
Broke his nose and a tooth                                  
While throwing his old one away.                            
                                                            
65025 SPORTS - THROWING              Observer           TP9901



There was a young bowler named Motch                        
Whose grip was amazing to watch.                            
The girls were dismayed                                     
At the time he displayed                                    
His bowling ball grip on their crotch.                      
                                                            
65026 SPORTS - THROWING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2198



A man of refinement was Motch;                              
No date with his girl would he botch.                       
When he noticed her plight                                  
From her panties too tight,                                 
He would pull them with grace from her crotch.              
                                                            
65027 SPORTS - THROWING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2199



When he bowled, a young fellow named Fritz                  
Gave his team a bad case of the fits.                       
For he left ten and four                                    
Standing up on the floor;                                   
"I'm accustomed," he said, "to bad splits."                 
                                                            
65028 SPORTS - THROWING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2074



A gal who taught techniques of bowling                      
Had a strange way of getting things rolling.                
When she wanted to dally,                                   
She'd lay in the alley...                                   
Summer classes will soon be enrolling.                      
                                                            
65029 SPORTS - THROWING              Neal Wilgus         P8307



A girl who bowls nightly, sweet Sally,                      
With boys on the team loves to dally.                       
She commits many sins,                                      
'Midst the balls and the pins,                              
And explains, "This is right up my alley!"                  
                                                            
65030 SPORTS - THROWING              Bob Giandomenico    P9511



A caber's my favourite to toss --                           
I like 'em with quarts of cream sauce.                      
Here's my billet-doux:                                      
They remind me of you --                                    
So upright. (And hung like a hoss!)                         
                                                            
65031 SPORTS - THROWING                                       



A young discus-thrower called Earl                          
Could not take his eyes off a girl,                         
Which is rather bad luck --                                 
With them hopelessly stuck,                                 
He can no longer see where to hurl.                         
                                                            
65032 SPORTS - THROWING              Michael Palin            



A famed discus thrower named Molder                         
Attempted to toss a small boulder,                          
But he slipped on a cob                                     
And he grasped his own knob,                                
And he threw himself over his shoulder.                     
                                                            
65033 SPORTS - THROWING              Albin Chaplin   3024-2194



There once was a girl named DeWitt,                         
Whose breast a thrown horseshoe had hit.                    
Said one of the gawkers,                                    
"It lodged in her knockers -                                
A ringer got caught in her tit!"                            
                                                            
65034 SPORTS - THROWING              David Miller        P8208



A javelin thrower named Vicky                               
Found the grip on her javelin sticky.                       
When it came to the throw,                                  
She just couldn't let go --                                 
Making judging the distance quite tricky.                   
                                                            
65035 SPORTS - THROWING              Michael Palin            



An athlete who lived in Detroit                             
Was adept at throwing the quoit.                            
When they cried, "You're so clever!"                        
He replied, "Hardly ever!                                   
It's practice that makes me adroit!"                        
                                                            
65036 SPORTS - THROWING              Joe Ricketari            



An addled shot-putter, half-lit,                            
Tripped and fell near the shot-putting pit.                 
Then while clutcheing his head,                             
He befuddedly said,                                         
"I feel that I'm really shot hit."                          
                                                            
65037 SPORTS - THROWING              Bob Giandomenico    P9602



An unemployed dentist named Hodge,                          
Rolled used cotton wool in a wodge,                         
Which he fired with some force,                             
From the back of a horse,                                   
Causing elderly people to dodge.                            
(wodge - bulky bulging object)                              
65038 SPORTS - THROWING              Michael Palin            



There once was a soldier named Art --                       
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart.                      
Using a blowpipe he stole                                   
Whilst on jungle patrol,                                    
He's now company champion at darts!                         
                                                            
65039 SPORTS - THROWING              Dr. Feelgood             



Some unseemly snorkelers from Wales                         
Were arrested and sent off to jails,                        
For acts most immoral                                       
Among the reefs coral,                                      
Such as writing graffiti on snails.                         
                                                            
65040 SPORTS - WATER                 Anon                     



Said the dowager, "Fundy's the Bay,                         
I can revel my future away;                                 
For I'm longing to ride                                     
On the strength of the tide,                                
And the Fundy comes twice every day.                        
                                                            
65041 SPORTS - WATER                 Hugh Oliver           28a



While surfing, I once breached a peach.                     
A flock of gulls fell with a screech.                       
And too, a small pod                                        
Of whales, and some cod,                                    
Went throwing themselves on the beach.                      
                                                            
65042 SPORTS - WATER                                          



If you still feel all quivery inside,                       
But your partner rolled over and died --                    
A warm shower massage                                       
Will your passion assuage --                                
Leaving you very well satisfied!                            
                                                            
65043 SPORTS - WATER                                          



This weekend, escaping the noise,                           
I went boating; it's one of my joys.                        
But what should appear?                                     
It was like being here:                                     
There were plenty of gulls riding buoys.                    
                                                            
65044 SPORTS - WATER                                          



I am going to sing you all a ditty,                         
About a small girl from the city.                           
She went down the water slide                               
With her bikini open wide,                                  
And you could see the end of her titty.                     
                                                            
65045 SPORTS - WATER                                          



And a beautiful titty it was;                               
All soft and covered with fuzz.                             
But where one hangs out,                                    
The other's about,                                          
And the pair gives the boys a buzz.                         
                                                            
65046 SPORTS - WATER                                          



If her titty was covered in fuzz,                           
Not a girl, but a boy he was;                               
Just a man dressed in drag                                  
And probably a fag.                                         
His friend in the back's who he does!                       
                                                            
65047 SPORTS - WATER                                          



A young lady who worked as a diver,                         
Held her breath a long time for a fiver.                    
And she doubled it when                                     
She was offered a ten;                                      
At twenty, we had to revive her.                            
                                                            
65048 SPORTS - WATER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



One summer, a man from Tashkent                             
Diving into the water he went.                              
But that sun in the sky                                     
Caused the pool to go dry.                                  
So now in his head there's a dent.                          
                                                            
65049 SPORTS - WATER                 Geoff Geduld        P9308



You pull your boat up to the shore,                         
Then quickly head off to explore;                           
Your mind is afire,                                         
With hope and desire;                                       
Love fantasies now lie in store.                            
                                                            
65050 SPORTS - WATER                 Joel D Ash          P9811



Through the trees you can see a small glade,                
Swirling pool where a maid starts to wade;                  
Water falling on boulders,                                  
Sun gleaming on shoulders,                                  
Sweet beauty amidst the cascade.                            
                                                            
65051 SPORTS - WATER                 Joel D Ash          P9811



She turns and her arms open wide,                           
All clothing and cares cast aside;                          
Delighted, you sought her,                                  
A rush in the water,                                        
Embrace with the urge at floodtide.                         
                                                            
65052 SPORTS - WATER                 Joel D Ash          P9811



A kiss from the depths of a dream,                          
Emotions beyond all extreme;                                
Lips loving caress,                                         
Ardent throes of excess,                                    
With enchanted affections supreme.                          
                                                            
65053 SPORTS - WATER                 Joel D Ash          P9811



Fond hours of pleasure ensue,                               
With nothing the two do not do;                             
Their passion runs wild;                                    
All the senses beguiled;                                    
Tender ecstasy never quite through.                         
                                                            
65054 SPORTS - WATER                 Joel D Ash          P9811



The water and love timeless spilling,                       
Endless moments the partners are willing;                   
Endearments and zeal,                                       
The imagined seems real,                                    
With seduction of thought so fulfilling.                    
                                                            
65055 SPORTS - WATER                 Joel D Ash          P9811



The story of lovely Miss Jane                               
Who drove all the laddies insane,                           
When she got in the tub                                     
To fondle her nub,                                          
Is told in a language quite plain.                          
                                                            
65056 SPORTS - WATER                                          



The parts that she began to rub,                            
Each time that she started to scrub,                        
Caused the lads to inspect                                  
Those nips, so erect,                                       
Resulting in a massive hub-bub.                             
                                                            
65057 SPORTS - WATER                                          



It seems, upon some folks reflection,                       
Those lads, with their penile erection,                     
Had to endure                                               
Conditions, I'm sure,                                       
Quite crowded, upon further inspection.                     
                                                            
65058 SPORTS - WATER                                          



One lad in particular who-                                  
-Se zipper was hard to undo,                                
Knew that his treasure                                      
Would equal the measure                                     
Of two or more others, it's true.                           
                                                            
65059 SPORTS - WATER                                          



He quickly created a path                                   
Towards Miss Jane inside of her bath,                       
Swinging to and fro                                         
His member, to show                                         
Exactly just how much he hath.                              
                                                            
65060 SPORTS - WATER                                          



Now Jane's eyes were open quite wide                        
At the sight of what she would soon ride,                   
So she lifted her rump                                      
And began to hump;                                          
It created the latest high tide.                            
                                                            
65061 SPORTS - WATER                                          



At his shoe repair shop, Jim McGrath,                       
Got an order for a long leather lath,                       
For a dismembered Joe                                       
Who'd left his in Tokyo,                                    
Boiled off in a Japanese bath.                              
                                                            
65062 SPORTS - WATER                 Grand Prix Lim  948      



With dumbness that's known but to few,                      
Two kayakers in cold canoe,                                 
A small fire tend,                                          
To warm their rear end;                                     
"Can't have kayak, and heat it, too"                        
                                                            
65063 SPORTS - WATER                 Chris Papa               



At Scout Camp, a counselor named Jim                        
Had a choice of duties that was grim.                       
He could be a life guard,                                   
Which was very hard,                                        
Or wash dishes; it was sink or swim.                        
                                                            
65064 SPORTS - WATER                 Tom Patton          P9902



My bathroom looks just like a shed;                         
Each time I bathe in there I dread                          
A sheetrocker hug,                                          
Or bite from a bug.                                         
I would rather shower instead.                              
                                                            
65065 SPORTS - WATER                                          



A seeker of dalliance named Broozes                         
Took one of those amorous cruises,                          
Where eveyone diddles;                                      
The captain just fiddles,                                   
And no one, but no one, refuses.                            
                                                            
65066 SPORTS - WATER                 Armand E Singer       637



In summer I love to go swimmin'                             
And lazin' on beaches; they're brimmin'                     
With beautiful virgins                                      
Just surgin' with urgin's,                                  
Like normal and natural women.                              
                                                            
65067 SPORTS - WATER                                          



It just takes a minute or so                                
To relax 'em and give 'em a glow                            
Down below; then at night,                                  
They succumb with delight,                                  
To their very first masculine hoe.                          
                                                            
65068 SPORTS - WATER                                          



Those succulent wetbacks, the Nereids,                      
Abstained from all sex during periods;                      
They put on bikinis                                         
To ward off male weenies,                                   
A source of frustration for myriads.                        
                                                            
65069 SPORTS - WATER                 Armand E Singer       740



Here, it's all humid and hot.                               
Not a drop of rain have we got.                             
But outside in my pool,                                     
It's always nice and cool,                                  
For water sports, and the lot!                              
                                                            
65070 SPORTS - WATER                                          



I float down a river of gas --                              
Drift left-right-up-down as I pass                          
Past schools of wise fish,                                  
And dumb farts boorish.                                     
Thank God none have yet bit my ass.                         
                                                            
65071 SPORTS - WATER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man in diving apparel,                              
Went over the falls in a barrel.                            
He said "This Niagara                                       
Is as good as Viagra;                                       
I'm just off to roger young Carol."                         
                                                            
65072 SPORTS - WATER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



He was always the beau at the pool;                         
He thought that the girls he could fool.                    
He found some of the gals,                                  
Had well-built male pals;                                   
He felt he'd been kicked by a mule!                         
                                                            
65073 SPORTS - WATER                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A long-distance runner named Fane                           
Said, laying his girl in the rain,                          
"It's wet and it's sticky,                                  
The balance is tricky,                                      
But hell, there's no gain without pain."                    
                                                            
65074 SPORTS - WATER                 Armand E Singer       714



Our daughter's gone way off to school;                      
She learning and that's really cool!                        
She says she will pass                                      
And her favorite class                                      
Is located down deep in a pool!                             
                                                            
65075 SPORTS - WATER                                          



Her boyfriend's a guy with no fear;                         
A brave guy with great scuba gear.                          
No water's too cold                                         
For this guy, we're told;                                   
Dives in with a smile ear to ear!                           
                                                            
65076 SPORTS - WATER                                          



They put all their hearts in their learnin',                
As well as the money they're earnin'.                       
When they get through with college,                         
They'll have all the best knowledge                         
To find fish where the deep water's churnin'!               
                                                            
65077 SPORTS - WATER                                          



There once was a girl so lovely,                            
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly.                      
She strapped on her tanks,                                  
And started her pranks,                                     
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.                  
                                                            
65078 SPORTS - WATER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A sly young skin diver named Potter                         
Said, "I don't do my diving in water!                       
I learned with regret                                       
Water's cold and it's wet...                                
I go for BABES, Pet...they're much hotter."                 
                                                            
65079 SPORTS - WATER                 Grand Prix Lim  766      



In summer the grass was so sweet,                           
Lying together under this tree in the heat,                 
Bereft of our clothes                                       
Because we chose                                            
Skinny dipping in the stream as a treat.                    
                                                            
65080 SPORTS - WATER                 Azul                     



The water was cold on our skin                              
But I warmed quickly to your caress libertine.              
Then you carried me here                                    
And we made love sincere;                                   
Now we lie here wearing only our grin.                      
                                                            
65081 SPORTS - WATER                 Azul                     



Out of fear if the waves you evade                          
And to hang ten will make you afraid,                       
Keep your feet on the beach                                 
And those swells out of reach.                              
They surf too who just sand and wade.                       
                                                            
65082 SPORTS - WATER                 Bob Giandomenico    P8811



Let the amateurs scream themselves frantic,                 
About sharks with incisors gigantic.                        
We'll keep this pipeline                                    
'Till "hang ten" is "hang nine",                            
And we take back this stretch of Atlantic.                  
                                                            
65083 SPORTS - WATER                 Dr Limerick              



A chap of the surfing persuasion                            
Discovered one painful occasion                             
His penis was red,                                          
All tattered and shred                                      
From sand on his board and abrasion                         
                                                            
65084 SPORTS - WATER                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young swimmer called Ivor,                      
Who wanted to be a high diver.                              
He dived with a twist;                                      
The deep water he missed.                                   
He was lucky to be a survivor!                              
                                                            
65085 SPORTS - WATER                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Archimedes was truly no fool.                               
He invented the screw in the pool!                          
Just stick it right in                                      
And give it a spin;                                         
A good man will have the right tool.                        
                                                            
65086 SPORTS - WATER                                          



A Frenchman by name of Quinet,  (Keenay)                    
Athwart his own girlfriend's bidet,                         
Let the hot water stream;                                   
Cause his privates to cream --                              
He did like his pleasures 'outre'.                          
                                                            
65087 SPORTS - WATER                 Armand E Singer       636



A lecherous fellow, Bill James,                             
Is hooked on erotical games,                                
Like steaming Jacuzzies                                     
With big-breasted floozies                                  
And sex under myriad names.                                 
                                                            
65088 SPORTS - WATER                 Armand E Singer   232 332



There was a young fellow named Kimmen                       
Who had a great way with the women.                         
He would fuck them in cars                                  
And in parks and in bars,                                   
And he fucked them when he took them swimmin'.              
                                                            
65089 SPORTS - WATER                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0717



With his feet on his board tightly locked                   
Through the waves a young wind-surfer rocked.               
As he leaned to the lee,                                    
A shark surged from the sea,                                
And the wind-surfer went off half-cocked.                   
                                                            
65090 SPORTS - WATER                 Bob Giandomenico    P9206



It's been said that Miss Kitty O'Hare,                      
Once swam nude in a pond on a dare.                         
How it happened's not clear.                                
She scraped on the pond's weir                              
And the weir left her worse for the wear.                   
                                                            
65091 SPORTS - WATER                 Loren Fitzhugh           



There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,                     
Who's been screwing the varsity crew.                       
In the shell, Sue is great,                                 
But her boyfriend's irate,                                  
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.                
                                                            
65092 SPORTS - WATER - CREW                                   



Henley's a special regatta,                                 
Where the girls have their annual natter.                   
And puce-faced old chaps,                                   
Wear striped blazers and caps,                              
And the rowing just doesn't matter.                         
                                                            
65093 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Jim Anthony              



As a freshman at college McGoo                              
Was a 90-lb. weakling who knew                              
If he wanted to grow,                                       
He should probably row,                                     
So he lettered in crew, and it grew.                        
                                                            
65094 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Frances D. Sails    P8311



A reckless young sculler named Box,                         
Forced the Oxford Eight onto the rocks.                     
The crew shouted, "Bollocks!                                
You've ripped off our rowlocks,                             
And horribly injured our cox."                              
                                                            
65095 SPORTS - WATER - CREW                             G2742a



A gigantic young crewman named Tate,                        
Has a pecker whose weight is so great,                      
That his dates fear to screw.                               
What's a stroke oar to do?                                  
He's reduced to pulling his weight.                         
                                                            
65096 SPORTS - WATER - CREW                                   



Two men rowed a rowboat, aflitting,                         
Each rowed with an effort befitting.                        
One stood as he rowed,                                      
One sat as they flowed;                                     
For one of them couldn't stand sitting!                     
                                                            
65097 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Collins                  



At the Henley regatta they spoke                            
Of a girl who was hot for a poke.                           
When the news got around,                                   
Several crews went aground.                                 
She was then carried off by a stroke.                       
                                                            
65098 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Bob Giandomenico    P9211



Young Jenny once peeked at the Ox-                          
Ford boat race crew, dressed just in socks.                 
She told her pal, Nancy,                                    
"Gee, I didn't fancy                                        
Those eight men and their tiny cox."                        
                                                            
65099 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Tiddy                    



While the paddlers assembled at dawn,                       
We ran into Mickey D John.                                  
We took a quick pee                                         
Then ran out to see                                         
The others had already gone.                                
                                                            
65100 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Topper                   



Our mood began quickly to sink,                             
As we looked everywhere we could think.                     
They had left without us.                                   
Oh man, did we cuss.                                        
'Twas the pits and they started to stink.                   
                                                            
65101 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          TOPPER                   



We returned to the scene of the crime                       
And waited for quite a long time.                           
We were 'bout out of luck                                   
When we spotted the truck                                   
With a driver just grinning sublime.                        
                                                            
65102 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Topper                   



With a face all embarrassed and red,                        
An apology, humbly was said.                                
We were glad he returned                                    
And the lesson we learned                                   
Was to piss in the water, instead.                          
                                                            
65103 SPORTS - WATER - CREW          Topper                   



Once a young swimmer named Jewel,                           
So fat her friends called her a fool,                       
Who went for a swim,                                        
But when she jumped in,                                     
She heard "Everybody out of the pool!"                      
                                                            
65104 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      His Peace                



A popular speed-swimming lass                               
Contested the pond with a bass.                             
The fish, being thinner                                     
Was easily the winner.                                      
Nothing adds to the drag like an ass.                       
                                                            
65105 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



There was a young swimmer named Jake,                       
Who lived on the shore of a lake.                           
Each morning he swam                                        
Right up to the dam,                                        
Then swam home to eat a hot cake.                           
                                                            
65106 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



There was a great swimmer named Hidges                      
Whose 'bottle' was bitten by midges. (bottle & glass = ass) 
To avoid this attack                                        
He swam on his back,                                        
But his Hampton got bashed on the bridges.                  
(Hampton Wick = prick)                                      
65107 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                         G2734b



A skin diving couple named Creel                            
Found marine life had special appeal.                       
His dick he would show fish,                                
Till blown by a blow fish,                                  
While she got it on with an eel!                            
                                                            
65108 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Rowdy Jack               



A swimming instructor from Poole,                           
Met a pleasant young lady from Goole.                       
His breast stroke empressed her,                            
So having undressed her,                                    
He plunged in his Olympic sized tool.                       
                                                            
65109 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Professor                



The lifeguards all set off alarms                           
When a blonde swimmer, despite all her charms,              
In the breast stroke swim meet,                             
Said the other girls cheat:                                 
"The other girls all used their arms!"                      
                                                            
65110 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Res Ipsa                 



There was a young man of Cache Creek,                       
Whose girl-friend described him as weak.                    
He tried to amaze her                                       
By swimming the Fraser...                                   
There WAS a young man of Cache Creek.                       
                                                            
65111 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      John E Mayhood      P0800



There once was a diver named Jim,                           
Who didn't quite know how to swim.                          
Out of his gourd,                                           
He jumped off the board.                                    
And now his prognosis is grim.                              
                                                            
65112 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      David McCarty            



The girl lost her earmuffs while driving;                   
They blew in the lake, but surviving,                       
A young man dove in                                         
With snorkel and fin;                                       
Certified in the job of muff diving.                        
                                                            
65113 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



The illustrious Lighthill, Sir Jim,                         
Pioneered math for how creatures swim,                      
Which he used to swim 'round                                
Sark. But sadly, he drowned                                 
From his circum-natational whim.                            
                                                            
65114 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Prof M-G           TP9807



Team Captain was young swimmer Restoke.                     
He practiced before all the rest woke.                      
He practiced the crawl,                                     
The backstroke and all,                                     
And at night he perfected his breast stroke.                
                                                            
65115 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Albin Chaplin 3024  P8306



Now breast-stroke's my favourite style.                     
(No surprise? Yes, I thought you might smile.)              
But I've every intention                                    
(I thought I'd just mention)                                
Of swimming today for a mile.                               
                                                            
65116 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



I ain't done it yet, I admit,                               
For my eyes get distracted by tit                           
And the wobble and bounce                                   
Of those girlies who flounce;                               
It's no wonder my swim-trunks don't fit.                    
                                                            
65117 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



There was a young fellow named Jim,                         
Who liked to get naked and swim                             
With plastic sex toys,                                      
Shaped like pubescent boys,                                 
'Cause he'd rather be gay than grim.                        
                                                            
65118 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Jim Weaver Collection    



Instead of just sittin' here limmin'                        
'Bout gorgeous young girlies and women,                     
I'll go to the beach,                                       
(It's quite easy to reach)                                  
And indulge in a smidgeon of swimmin'.                      
                                                            
65119 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



For swimming, my niece has the knack --                     
It's her brains where there is some slack.                  
She swam half the lake,                                     
And said, "I'll never make                                  
it."  And so turned around and came back.                   
                                                            
65120 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Tiddy Ogg                



Now eatin' a lot tends to bloat 'em,                        
But I don't mind coz I can tote 'em.                        
Large wimmin are dandy;                                     
They sure come in handy,                                    
In swimmin'; they're great for a float 'em.                 
                                                            
65121 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



For training, a lesbian swimmer                             
Will sit in a sauna and simmer,                             
Then get in the pool,                                       
Where she starts to drool,                                  
When paced by another girl's quimmer.                       
                                                            
65122 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



I'm always real nice to young women,                        
And never say they're needing slimmin';                     
I never ignore 'em,                                         
I truly adore 'em,                                          
Especially when nude they are swimmin'.                     
                                                            
65123 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



A lovely girl swimmer named Sive,                           
Was swingy, tough, eager, alive.                            
"I keep my head above water,"                               
She said, "As I oughter,                                    
But I like best of all a low dive."                         
                                                            
65124 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



A young SCUBA diver named Jeff                              
Was so good at holding his breff,                           
He could swim anywhere                                      
On a lungfull of air,                                       
Which scares his poor muvver to deff.                       
                                                            
65125 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Michael Palin            



Remember that ol' swimmin' hole,                            
Skinny dippin' it was our main goal.                        
Often each summer                                           
It was a bummer,                                            
When you started hidin' your pole.                          
                                                            
65126 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



You suddenly seemed so shy.                                 
I had to, of course, find out why.                          
Oh what a surprise!                                         
Just look at their size!                                    
To think of it still makes me sigh.                         
                                                            
65127 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



We enjoyed a new game that year                             
With fun, sun and lots of good cheer.                       
But you moved away                                          
And I had to stay.                                          
That memory now is still clear.                             
                                                            
65128 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



A graduate student named Brown                              
Wouldn't swim out of fear he might drown.                   
But apprenticed at Diving,                                  
When he heard, on arriving,                                 
He could start at the top and work down.                    
                                                            
65129 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Hugh Clary               



In a hand-crocheted swim suit, form fitting,                
To the waves she gaily went flitting;                       
Then emerged soaking wet                                    
Leaving men in a sweat,                                     
When they saw how she stuck to her knitting.                
                                                            
65130 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Bob Giandomenico    P8906



There's a standout young swimmer named Bard,                
With a style he's been told to discard.                     
His backstroke's the topic:                                 
He swims periscopic,                                        
And competes, say officials, too hard.                      
                                                            
65131 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



There was a young lady named Lee,                           
Who swam all alone in the sea.                              
People said, "You'll be drowned,"                           
But she sniffed and she frowned,                            
And said, "Pish-stosh and fiddle-de-dee!"                   
                                                            
65132 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                               



A strange man called Ron made a bet:                        
Three lengths of the pool and not wet.                      
With commendable cool                                       
He emptied the pool,                                        
Dived in, and has not come to yet.                          
                                                            
65133 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Michael Palin            



The swim team at Anthony's Cleft                            
Of its one female member was reft.                          
Stripped, dripping, and mute,                               
She turned in her suit.                                     
All members stood up when she left!                         
                                                            
65134 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Lance Payne         P8306



When the pretty breast-stroker from Butte    (MT)           
Was ordered to turn in her suit,                            
For acts causing shame                                      
On the swimming team's name.                                
Our members all rose in salute!                             
                                                            
65135 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Lance Payne         P8805



A certain young man of Ariminium,                           
Who would jump into rivers and swim in 'em.                 
When his friends said, "You fish!"                          
He would answer "Oh Pish!                                   
Fish can't swim like me, they've no vim in 'em."            
                                                            
65136 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      P. G. Woodhouse     P9212



There was a young fellow named Tim                          
Who, naked, went in for a swim.                             
A fellow named Bolling                                      
Thought he was trolling.                                    
He bit, and the outcome was grim.                           
                                                            
65137 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING      Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A well-endowed swimmer nameed Whipple                       
Just won her third race for a triple.                       
The crawl was no cinch --                                   
She won by an inch --                                       
The breast stroke she won by a nipple.                      
                                                            
65138 SPORTS - WATER - SWIMMING                          P8306



There once was a chick named Longet,                        
Who went out to Aspen to play.                              
Along came a Spyder,                                        
And sat down beside her,                                    
And she blew the poor bastard away.                         
                                                            
65139 SPORTS - WINTER                                         



Watching taped competition in Curling,                      
Makes me feel, rather bluntly, like hurling.                
Toss this hubcap, real slow.                                
Sweep in front! Watch it go!                                
How exciting! My senses are whirling!                       
                                                            
65140 SPORTS - WINTER                Larry Hollister          



'Tis true, friend, you can curl your toes,                  
Or your hair, or your lip, or your pose.                    
But stones on the ice?                                      
That doesn't sound nice.                                    
I suppose they could make you curl those!                   
                                                            
65141 SPORTS - WINTER                Theater Gypsy            



In school, I'd a friend, Mad Bob Ray,                       
Who slid down a long hill on a tray.                        
He lost all control,                                        
Hit a rather deep hole,                                     
Ta ra ra ra ra bum de ay!                                   
                                                            
65142 SPORTS - WINTER                Arthur Pattaffy          



The hockey team's burly Canuck,                             
Through opponent's defense ran amuck,                       
Amid deafening roars,                                       
Making three rapid scores,                                  
Was awarded the game trick up puck.                         
                                                            
65143 SPORTS - WINTER                Bob Giandomenico    P9812



A sporting old whore of Milwaukee                           
Thought athletes knew best how to jockey.                   
When a Black Hawk, a runt,                                  
Rammed a puck up her cunt,                                  
She said, "I do not go for this hockey!"                    
                                                            
65144 SPORTS - WINTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-1609



A sporting old harlot named Bates,                          
For athletes devalued her rates.                            
She took on the team manly,                                 
Who had won the Cup Stanley,                                
But asked them to take off their skates.                    
                                                            
65145 SPORTS - WINTER                Albin Chaplin   3024-1439



But hooray! for our girl named Louise,                      
Who broke wind every time she would sneeze;                 
The blast from her ass                                      
Is all high-octane gas,                                     
And she goes jet-propelled on her skis!                     
                                                            
65146 SPORTS - WINTER                                    G1413



Those Japanese ladies are neat,                             
But our U.S. girls have them beat!                          
I could spend time on                                       
That cute Michelle Kwan                                     
Or live on Picabo Street.                                   
(1998 Olympic medalists)                                    
65147 SPORTS - WINTER                Wildman            TP9802



A new "double" Olympic event,                               
The "mixed" luge has made its advent.                       
They come down the line                                     
In form sixty-nine;                                         
The finish is when both are spent.                          
                                                            
65148 SPORTS - WINTER                Dick Buenger        P8302



A chilly gal from Kokomo                                    
Said, "I hate a quick lay in the snow.                      
While I'm normally hot,                                     
In this spot I am not...                                    
So as soon as you come, Man, let's go!"                     
                                                            
65149 SPORTS - WINTER                Grand Prix Lim   43      



Oh, ladies and gents, my advice:                            
Sans britches, go slide on the ice;                         
Who was it first said it?                                   
Dunno, but I'll bet it                                      
Was Groucho, who thought it looked nice!                    
                                                            
65150 SPORTS - WINTER                                         



The snow's not that big of a problem.                       
Just make a few snow balls and lob 'em.                     
You can aim toward you boss                                 
If you don't fear job loss.                                 
When you score in his mouth, there's less pablum.           
                                                            
65151 SPORTS - WINTER                                         



Cows take grass all day long;                               
Snowboarders drink milk to stay strong.                     
Should a tiny grass trace                                   
In his sample efface                                        
Ross won the Olympic gold gong?                             
                                                            
65152 SPORTS - WINTER                Prof M-G           TP9802



An Olympic yachtsman from Lester,                           
Capsized in a gale-force sou-wester,                        
Cried, "I'll forego all these chills                        
And henceforth seek my thrills                              
Down that icy run called the Cresta.                        
                                                            
65153 SPORTS - WINTER                Herkin                   



There's a girl in the South Okanagan                        
Who hasn't a brain in her noggin.                           
Her favorite thrill                                         
Is racing downhill                                          
Making love on a two-man toboggan.                          
                                                            
65154 SPORTS - WINTER                John E Mayhood      P0800



Two queer winter sports freaks named Groggins               
And Smith had gone out of their noggins.                    
For they each liked to lick                                 
The other one's dick;                                       
And that's awfully hard in toboggans.                       
                                                            
65155 SPORTS - WINTER                Michael Weinstein   P8306



Ho ho, Ohno, oh, ho ho.                                     
Oh no, Ohno, no, oh no!                                     
Ohno, no, oh no!                                            
Oh, Ohno no no.                                             
No Ohno on no.  Oh no!                                      
(commemorating Apolo Ohno's crash and Olympic silver medal) 
65156 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arthur Deex              



The skater, Barbara Ann Scott,                              
Is so fuckingly 'winsome' a snot,                           
That when posed on her toes,                                
She elaborately shows                                       
Teeth, fat ass, titties, and twat.                          
                                                            
65157 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING                          L0229



When the ice skaters presented their show,                  
At first I did not want to go.                              
With their actions precise                                  
As their skates cut the ice,                                
At the end, hands, cheeks and heart were aglow!             
                                                            
65158 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arthur Pattaffy          



All the speed skaters think it's enthralling,               
How with clap skates, the records are falling.              
But their ads are a waste,                                  
And in really bad taste --                                  
I think "Clap on, clap off" is appalling!                   
                                                            
65159 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Larry Hollister          



With this new-fangled skate, it's a snap                    
To wipe previous times off the map.                         
But the name's not so great                                 
'Cause the press can now state                              
That the speed skaters all have the clap.                   
                                                            
65160 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Larry Hollister          



A truly intrepid young skater                               
Once practiced a figure-of-eighter.                         
But his blades were so keen                                 
That he sank form the scene;                                
They recovered his body much later.                         
                                                            
65161 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      John Dole,Odd BodkinP0302



There was a young girl, an ice-skater,                      
Who fell for a handsome spectator.                          
A bad fall on her rear,                                     
To her eyes brought a tear,                                 
There was damage below her equator!                         
                                                            
65162 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arthur Pattaffy          



The bosom on lovely Miss Hamill                             
No bra will, I'm sure, ever trammel.                        
I forget woe and care                                       
When I leer at her pair--                                   
Thank God that I am a mammal!                               
                                                            
65163 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Grand Prix Lim  652 G0352



She sped round the rink at a pace,                          
Full of hope, full of poise, full of grace.                 
A double triple was tried,                                  
And her hopes all but died;                                 
Judges saw her slide past on her face!                      
                                                            
65164 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arthur Pattaffy          



Glide like a cloud on a breeze.                             
Glide like a snake slides through trees.                    
Glide down your nape;                                       
Glide for escape.                                           
Glide on skates, slick on lakes' freeze.                    
                                                            
65165 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Karen                    



Glide as a flying squirrel will.                            
Glide a sled smoothly downhill.                             
Glide drifting boat.                                        
Glide note to note.                                         
Glide away, I need a pill.                                  
(seasick?)                                                  
65166 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Karen                    



An ice hockey star named Gilpatrick                         
Set his sights on scoring a "hat trick."                    
He went into the stands                                     
And clobbered three fans                                    
With the end of his stick... Now how's that trick!          
                                                            
65167 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING                               



On the ice with the U.S.S.R.                                
Team Canada's better by far.                                
Because views au contraiare                                 
Are too heavy to bear --                                    
They must, and therefore they are.                          
                                                            
65168 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Hugh Oliver          117c



The hockey star melted in tears                             
When the ref gave him twenty-five years,                    
For boarding and necking,                                   
Rough play and cross-checking                               
And hooking spectators brassieres.                          
                                                            
65169 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Hugh Oliver          117b



Many teams who play hockey on ice,                          
Use tactics that aren't very nice.                          
They don't go for the puck,                                 
(If they hit it, that's luck!)                              
It's a game that sorts men from the mice.                   
                                                            
65170 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arthur Pattaffy          



To our past hockey greats, drink a toast,                   
For their names are forgotten -- almost;                    
Save their glories of old                                   
Which in stories are told                                   
Every Saturday night, ghost to ghost.                       
                                                            
65171 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Hugh Oliver          117d



Of greatness this world has its store --                    
Leonardo and Shakespeare and Shaw,                          
Voltaire, Joan of Arc,                                      
Mendeleev and Bach,                                         
Bobby Hull, Esposito, and Orr.                              
                                                            
65172 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Hugh Oliver          121b



A pastrycook down on his luck                               
Became a Vancouver Canuck.                                  
Though he wasn't so hot                                     
When he slapped in a shot,                                  
He was dandy at icing the puck.                             
                                                            
65173 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Hugh Oliver          106a



The hockey team, Calgary Flames,                            
Has plenty of prominent names.                              
Their defense gains renown                                  
For defeating the Crown                                     
In lawsuits by puck-injured dames.                          
                                                            
65174 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      John E Maywood      P9912



The Leafs had a goalie named Eddie;                         
Little dim, kind of slow, not too steady.                   
"I don't have no luck,                                      
When they slapshot the puck.                                
They shoot but don't wait 'till I'm ready."                 
                                                            
65175 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Eric                     



The pro hockey player named Chuck                           
Lost teeth to a wild flying puck.                           
Said his wife with a grin,                                  
As she kissed his bruised chin,                             
"He can't chew, but boy, how he can suck!"                  
                                                            
65176 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



His team-mate , a fellow named Rick,                        
Was hit by a poorly aimed stick.                            
Now if he wants to see 'em,                                 
He goes to sports museum,                                   
To visit his balls and his dick.                            
                                                            
65177 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0312



On an ice rink, six slick cocky picks,                      
Faced a sextet of Swiss stocky hicks,                       
Who first drank sticky Hock,                                
From their wine's hicky stock;                              
Alpenstocks were their trick, hockey sticks.                
                                                            
65178 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Bob Giandomenico    P2005



One night, a girl fulfilled her dream                       
Of laying the whole hockey team;                            
Which was really nice                                       
Till they fell through the ice,                             
Which was weakened, I guess, by the steam.                  
                                                            
65179 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      John Miller              



A dumb country girl, Millie Moo,                            
Had a dumb sister called Silly Sue.                         
Millie's dumb, that is true                                 
But not just like Sue.                                      
She thought ice hockey was frozen cow-doo.                  
                                                            
65180 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



A well-hung ice skater named Weiss                          
Had a program he thought was quite nice.                    
But his first double Lutz                                   
Landed right on his putz                                    
And left a large hole in the ice.                           
                                                            
65181 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Michael Weinstein   P9402



A champion as news item digger                              
Once managed to trigger a snigger;                          
"If you skate on thin ice,                                  
Then a fall won't be nice--                                 
You really won't cut a good figure."                        
                                                            
65182 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Bill Backe-Hansen   P9403



Said Gilooly, "We'll shoot for the moon.                    
A gold medal would be quite a boon.                         
Her routines will be new                                    
So our task will be to                                      
See that Tonya does not pique too soon.                     
                                                            
65183 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9402



With Jamie Sale', I am struck;                              
My passions have all run amuck.                             
I think every hour                                          
About that cute flower,                                     
And how I would pluck a Canuck.                             
                                                            
65184 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Travis Brasell           



But you've never seen me on skates.                         
My lutz has sparked many debates.                           
My axels are triples --                                     
Yes, just like my nipples --                                
The Russian judge gave me all eights.                       
                                                            
65185 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Ericka                   



Well, put on your skates (nothing more)                     
And show me your Salchow galore.                            
Then spiral and spin                                        
And you'll have the win                                     
From 'ten' that I'll give for the score!                    
                                                            
65186 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Travis Brasell           



An attractive young Olympic Ice skater                      
Craved a man, but he wouldn't date her.                     
She loved a gay blade,                                      
Thus she never got laid,                                    
And that's why she's a skilled masturbator!                 
                                                            
65187 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Bob Birch           P9803



A sweet young ice skater, N. Kerrigan,                      
Was caught in publicity's glare again.                      
She said, "My poor knee                                     
Has brought riches to me,                                   
But please, please don't hit me there again."               
                                                            
65188 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Satori                   



Said Nancy to Tonya, "You sleaze!                           
Your true love, (that puddle of grease!)                    
Gilooley (that putz!)                                       
Ruined my triple lutz!                                      
I'd like to break both of his knees!"                       
                                                            
65189 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Sylvie                   



When the Jewish boys took to the ice,                       
Their mothers said it was not nice,                         
To make a fast buck,                                        
Chasing after the puck.                                     
They'd make more if they gambled with dice!                 
                                                            
65190 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arthur Pattaffy          



The abductor of Tonya's no lecher,                          
But a fine young fellow named Fletcher.                     
The people's selection                                      
At the last election                                        
As the local county dog catcher.                            
                                                            
65191 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Tom Patton          P9704



In Utah, a mystery beckoned:                                
How Russia by judges was reckoned                           
To lose in the skating,                                     
But earn the gold rating,                                   
While Canada won but came second.                           
                                                            
65192 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Peter Wilkins            



The infusion of NHL players                                 
Was the answer to hockey fans' prayers.                     
But before they could savor it,                             
The gold medal favorites                                    
Were sitting at home, taking Bayers.                        
                                                            
65193 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Larry Hollister          



With the stars from the great NHL,                          
USA was prepared to do well.                                
But these men turned to mice                                
When their skates hit the ice,                              
And they played like their sticks were Mattel.              
(Mattel is a toy manufacturer in the US - McW)              
65194 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Larry Hollister          



Did the hockey team suffer bad luck,                        
Reaching none of its goals with the puck?                   
Should we blame preparation                                 
Or poor motivation?                                         
Or maybe they just really suck!                             
                                                            
65195 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Larry Hollister          



Though her drive home was just a few blocks,                
Oskana'd swilled Scotch on the Rocks.                       
After her M. Benz coupe                                     
Did a Triple Tire Loop.                                     
She said, "I'm immune, like all jocks."                     
                                                            
65196 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9703



It's not my intention to knock her                          
But I must say her act is a shocker.                        
She looked pretty and pert                                  
In her short skater's skirt,                                
But her panties were back in her locker.                    
                                                            
65197 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Snarls a hockey defenseman named Cox,                       
Who's contracted a case of the pox:                         
"When you're offered a bod,                                 
Body-checking, by God,                                      
Keeps you out of the penalty box!"                          
                                                            
65198 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING                               



The Spring thawed me down 'til I'm bony.                    
I miss how my blue lips were stony.                         
And now that they're pink,                                  
It's some lonely rink                                       
Where once I did ride a zamboni.                            
                                                            
65199 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING                               



The olympic ice dancing event                               
Made the Russian mob members incensed.                      
They bet their own team;                                    
It was like a bad dream;                                    
They turned millions of bucks into cents.                   
                                                            
65200 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



ln Russia skating judges are news.                          
The mobsters have them paying their dues.                   
They decide in advance                                      
The best skaters who dance.                                 
Each had offers they couldn't refuse.                       
                                                            
65201 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Tom Patton          P0209



The Russian bent noses are cross;                           
Their ice dancers suffered a loss.                          
They asked judges to fudge,                                 
But the score didn't budge;                                 
The mafia bet the wrong horse.                              
                                                            
65202 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



The star Russian dancer was scored                          
For appearance and height that she soared.                  
She got credit, we hear                                     
For her lovely round rear,                                  
But in front she was as flat as a board                     
                                                            
65203 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



There was a young lady named Ciss,                          
Who said, "I think skating a bliss."                        
But she'll never restat,                                    
For a wheel off her skate                                   
.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM                     
                                                            
65204 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING                               



With a score of 4 out of 10,                                
He decided to try it again.                                 
With a yell of despair,                                     
He destroyed the judges chair,                              
And never competed again.                                   
                                                            
65205 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING                               



Tonya Harding, not in the best graces,                      
Earned some medals to show where her place is.              
When she fell on her ass                                    
She was given the brass,                                    
But the gold was for tying her laces.                       
                                                            
65206 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Al Chaplin          P9404



Tonia Harding, alas and alack,                              
In ice skating, she dared to come back.                     
Read a skating alert,                                       
"You might never get hurt,                                  
If you keep your eyes peeled for the whack."                
                                                            
65207 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Tom Patton               



To the judge Tonya made her sad plea,                       
"My shoelace is broke, can't you see?"                      
He was moved by her fate                                    
And said, "Fix it, we'll wait."                             
But the judge should have busted her knee.                  
                                                            
65208 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Al Chaplin          P9404



A tough young ice skater named Tonya                        
Has told us, "I never would con ya.                         
I did her no wrong,                                         
But you best get along,                                     
Or else I may lay something on ya."                         
                                                            
65209 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Satori Press             



Figure skater, Rosita Los Koosa,                            
Skated to music by Sousa.                                   
The "Gold" she didn't win                                   
With her lightning sit-spin,                                
But she did with her triple chalupa.                        
                                                            
65210 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Loren Fitzhugh      P0207



One day while skating, Dick Button,                         
Saw a young butt he'd like ruttin'.                         
But his next Triple Lutz,                                   
Just mangled his nuts.                                      
Now Button will be ruttin' nuttin'.                         
                                                            
65211 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Mustafa X                



Of course, with the snow comes the Ice                      
Which can turn the boldest to mice.                         
I'll just put on my skates!                                 
Who needs all those weights?                                
A Yankee makes virtue of vice!                              
                                                            
65212 SPORTS - WINTER - SKATING      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a skier named Brett,                         
Who skiied of a cliff on a bet.                             
So then off he went,                                        
And made a big dent,                                        
Where the road and his head had met.                        
                                                            
65213 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING                                



Michael and Sonny on skis;                                  
My question for you, if you please,                         
Who will be next?                                           
What politico hexed?                                        
'Cause accidents happen in trees!                           
                                                            
65214 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Chris Peterson           



It started with overmuch grace,                             
And an effortless feverish pace.                            
Then a tree and a rock...                                   
Lost a boot and a sock                                      
And I slid down the rest on my face.                        
                                                            
65215 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



Sir Lord High Mountain Skier's my name,                     
Best Powder skier in the world is my game.                  
I can do nothing wrong;                                     
I'm curously strong,                                        
And I'm humble and shy with my fame.                        
                                                            
65216 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



A big-footed girl from Dunfries,                            
Was spotted and Darwin said, "Jeez,                         
When snow's on the ground,                                  
She still gets around                                       
Those mountains without using skis.                         
                                                            
65217 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Tiddy Ogg                



I was wondering which new skis to buy,                      
But my girlfriend could only say why.                       
Do you need one more pair.                                  
I will go fix my hair                                       
And find a completely new guy.                              
                                                            
65218 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



Once a girl had a skiing instructor,                        
But she fell down everywhere he'd conduct 'er.              
Since she couldn't say "No"                                 
With her mouth full of snow,                                
The instructor quite frequently fucked 'er.                 
                                                            
65219 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING                           G0621



Days on snow when my spirit is free,                        
Skiing high up on Mount Sunapee;                            
In the crisp mountain air,                                  
Thrilling speed without care,                               
Apogee of New Hampshire for me.                             
                                                            
65220 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Joel D Ash          P0402



To the top of the chair lift I ride,                        
Contemplation of trails one can glide;                      
At a glade near the top,                                    
There's a heart stopping drop,                              
Further down it is all pretty wide.                         
                                                            
65221 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Joel D Ash          P0402



Leaving worries and cares far behind,                       
I am ready in body and mind;                                
Beauty there up on high,                                    
Sunny peaks and blue sky,                                   
All the glory of nature enshrined.                          
                                                            
65222 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Joel D Ash          P0402



Plunging down with a step off the lip,                      
Wondrous powder, no ice and no slip;                        
A chute made for flying,                                    
The trail satisfying,                                       
Good start for a snow pleasure trip.                        
                                                            
65223 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Joel D Ash          P0402



Intermediate signs mark the way;                            
Without stress, so relaxed, come what may;                  
The schussing so grand,                                     
In this north Promised Land;                                
Powdered plumes trailing back in a spray.                   
                                                            
65224 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Joel D Ash          P0402



As I carve a wide turn past a tree,                         
Not a thought in my head but to ski;                        
Ultimate in distraction,                                    
Such deep satisfaction,                                     
The joy of a day skiing free.                               
                                                            
65225 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Joel D Ash          P0402



There once was a girl from Lancaster,                       
Whose goal was to always ski faster.                        
Caught a tree with her butt,                                
And the branch it did cut.                                  
You might say that it was dis-assed-her.                    
                                                            
65226 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



Winter does, I must say, have its charms.                   
A warm fire, warmer girl in your arms --                    
"I skied," (show the miss)                                  
"Down the slope just like this..."                          
Without setting off any alarms.                             
                                                            
65227 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       John Miller 0139         



There once was a talented elephant                          
Who schussed to the base for the hell of it.                
There, he tried the gluwein,                                
Then left sitzmarks behind,                                 
That makes your and mine look irrevalent.                   
                                                            
65228 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



A nubile young Finn who went skiing --                      
His penis, he was frequently freeing...                     
When girls would ski by,                                    
He'd unzip his fly,                                         
And show them a sight well worth seeing!                    
                                                            
65229 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING                                



There's a high class resort up at Lech.  (Austria)          
Where skiing well avoids a sore neck.                       
A fast run down the slopes                                  
May raise up your hopes,                                    
That you'll get home without being a wreck!                 
                                                            
65230 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady from Barriere,                       
Whose voice was as clear as the very air.                   
She tried a High C                                          
While attempting to ski,                                    
And ended up flat on her derriere.                          
                                                            
65231 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       John E Mayhood      P0011



They said it's fun to learn to ski;                         
I went and plowed into a tree.                              
'Twas an accident;                                          
Spinal chord got bent;                                      
Give new meaning to "I got a woody!"                        
                                                            
65232 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Debnric                  



I met my new lover, Louise,                                 
In Andorra while trying on skis.                            
I said, "What did you see                                   
To attract you to me?"                                      
And she laughed and said, "Great Pyrenees!"                 
                                                            
65233 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Peter Wilkins            



A lovely young Finn who went skiing                         
Could not believe what she was seeing:                      
From under the snow                                         
Came a spooky green glow,                                   
Which sent all her chalet-mates fleeing.                    
                                                            
65234 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Beelzebub                



A lovely young Finn who went skiing,                        
And saw all her ski buddies fleeing,                        
'Cause of something aglow,                                  
Buried down in the snow,                                    
Thought, "This might be an alien being."                    
                                                            
65235 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Observer                 



The news media didn't know squat,                           
So experts were called to the spot.                         
The scientists now know,                                    
That the "spooky green glow",                               
Was just petrified dinosaur snot!                           
                                                            
65236 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Observer                 



A nubile young Finn who went skiing,                        
Saw her dear friend just a-peeing.                          
She turned up her head                                      
But hit a tree center dead,                                 
And now she's in Heaven a-singing.                          
                                                            
65237 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Jim Weaver Collection    



Coming down from a peak, you see,                           
Is the purpose in trying to ski,                            
And life is a bash                                          
Till the instant of crash,                                  
But the cheek now belongs to the tree.                      
                                                            
65238 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       MrMalo                   



While skiing, a harlot named Kay                            
Her leg broke in a very bad way;                            
But could still fuck as fast                                
With her leg in a cast,                                     
As the girls they are hiring today.                         
                                                            
65239 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Albin Chaplin   3024-1558



Sonny Bono went out for a ski,                              
But was tragically hit by a tree.                           
A nurse asked with a purr,                                  
Was it Pine or a Fir?                                       
"I go Yew babe," he sang mournfully.                        
                                                            
65240 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       CyberCelt           T9801



El Nino stirs up the weather,                               
Sends snow birds flocking together.                         
But skiiers know Spring                                     
Is time for a fling,                                        
With slightly clad girls named Heather.                     
                                                            
65241 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Daniel Ford              



She skied beautifully down the steep slope;                 
For a medal this was her last hope.                         
She reached the final gate,                                 
And then in stepped fate;                                   
At the inquest, they blamed it on dope!                     
                                                            
65242 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Arthur Pattaffy          



A young ski instructor named Amos                           
With the passage of time, became famous.                    
On the steep mountain slopes,                               
He raised his pupils' hopes.                                
His favourite -- an Irishman named Seamus!                  
                                                            
65243 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Arthur Pattaffy          



A Squaw Valley gal named Louise                             
Broke her wind every time she would sneeze.                 
The blast from both ends                                    
Pays her big dividends,                                     
For she goes jet-propelled on her skis.                     
                                                            
65244 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Grand Prix Lim  279      



Albert Schweizer, he made quite a row                       
When I did the Swiss snow-bunny plow.                       
He said, "With your skis,                                   
You may do what you please,                                 
But don't stick your pole in my Jungfrau."                  
                                                            
65245 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Tutta Gioia              



There once was a skier from  Aspen,                         
Who was seen going down in a fast spin.                     
He careened out of sight,                                   
Screaming, "Track, on your right!"                          
Now it's "Hold the door; let my cast in."                   
                                                            
65246 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



A nubile young Finn on her skis                             
Shouted out: "Look at me! Look at these!"                   
As she sped down the switchback,                            
Dressed only in pitch black,                                
Nipple caps and a see-through chemise!                      
                                                            
65247 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING                                



A dashing young skier named Robby,                          
On the slope met a ski-bunny, Bobbi.                        
He said: "Why don't we                                      
Meet for tea apres-ski?                                     
I'll meet you at six in the lobby.                          
                                                            
65248 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Tom Ratliff         P0303



A lovely young Finn who went skiing,                        
Was in love, and her boyfriend was seeing.                  
They met in the piste                                       
For their secretive tryst,                                  
And in no time their lips they were sealing.                
(piste - hard packed ski trail)                             
65249 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Watto                    



Michael K., that famous tree-hitter,                        
Who came off the slopes on a litter,                        
Moaned: "Life just wan't fair;                              
That shrimp Bono got Cher,                                  
And I ended up bonking the sitter!"                         
                                                            
65250 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       CB                  T9801



I once knew a skiier named Chris                            
Who could drink many beers and not piss.                    
He'd drink gluwein at night                                 
And feel a bit tight,                                       
But not a day on the slopes would he miss!!                 
                                                            
65251 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Suzi Higman              



I once had a friend who ate strudel;                        
He married a girl with a poodle.                            
At his bachelor party,                                      
In the nude we did ski;                                     
I still have some pics of his noodle.                       
                                                            
65252 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



After winning the downhill event,                           
I taped flowers to my gold, for the scent.                  
I'm the guy the coach said'll                               
Go "petal-to-metal",                                        
But this isn't quite what he meant.                         
                                                            
65253 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Larry Hollister          



Gone are the old days of leather,                           
Which some folks still think is much better.                
But I'll take my plastic                                    
'Cause it skis so fantastic,                                
And I float down the fall like a feather.                   
                                                            
65254 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



A lovely young Finn who went skiing                         
Raced boyfriends downhill ere agreeing                      
To any proposin'.                                           
Now dozens lie frozen,                                      
While she's still an unattached being!                      
                                                            
65255 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Prof M-G                 



A jaded downhilling lass                                    
Looked into skiing's past.                                  
She revived the t-turn,                                     
That made her thighs burn,                                  
And found a new way to pass gas.                            
                                                            
65256 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



There once was a seamstress named Dee,                      
Who tried to stitch when she'd ski.                         
Her needle would go,                                        
As she flew 'cross the snow,                                
Until she (of course) hit a tree.                           
                                                            
65257 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING                                



To ski down the snowy Laurentians                           
Went a girl with the best of intentions;                    
But her skiing instructor                                   
Downed ski poles and fucked her,                            
And other things nobody mentions.                           
                                                            
65258 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Keith MacMillan       50d



A ski-jumping champion named Blanding,                      
Who was asked how he ended up standing,                     
Replied "Big-bosomed Belle                                  
Always hugs me farewell,                                    
And I make a superb three-point landing."                   
                                                            
65259 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Lims For The John   P0201



Summer rates "B" as a season,                               
And in this brief rhyme is the reason:                      
All that water and sun                                      
Can't compete with the fun                                  
Of dashing down hills with your skis on.                    
                                                            
65260 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Brian Ryan          P9308



At the lodge a young skier named Kroozians                  
Was known for his childish illusions.                       
"His skiing," said Brad,                                    
"Like his logic, is bad --                                  
For he frequently jumps to contusions!"                     
                                                            
65261 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING                           P8306



Her man found her certainly striking;                       
The thought was indeed to his liking;                       
But then he just said;                                      
"Let's go skiing instead"                                   
(For he was a typical Viking).                              
                                                            
65262 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Sandy Lunoe         P8405



A lady called Marie-Christine                               
One day on the ski-slopes was seen.                         
Lift fees were so high                                      
That she said with a sigh,                                  
"By the evening, I hadn't a bean."                          
                                                            
65263 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       James Bryant Collection  



On the ski slopes, young Dr. McPrutt,                       
Hit an ice slick and lit on his butt,                       
On a jagged rock shelf,                                     
Thus divesting himself,                                     
Of what laymen would call his left nut.                     
                                                            
65264 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       John Ciardi              



A nubile young Finn who went skiing                         
Stark naked, has courts disagreeing.                        
One judge is for jail,                                      
But another, a male,                                        
Is for crime reconstruction, then seeing.                   
                                                            
65265 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



A lady, an expert on skis,                                  
Went out with a man who said, "Please                       
On the next precipice                                       
Will you give me a kiss?"                                   
She said, "Quick, before somebody sees."                    
                                                            
65266 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING                                



Through the air Hermann flew at high speed,                 
Having lost all control as he skied.                        
He should never have tried                                  
After getting so fried,                                     
On Canadian snowboarder weed!                               
                                                            
65267 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Larry Hollister          



The famous got hit hard this week;                          
You've got to admit they have cheek.                        
Some think life's a bash                                    
With plenty of cash,                                        
But there's no way but DOWN from a peak!                    
                                                            
65268 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Annie Jay                



Congressmen do as they please,                              
But they ought to stay off of the skis.                     
They've never been known                                    
To know where they goin',                                   
And they can't see the forest for the trees.                
                                                            
65269 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       MrMalo                   



It started with Chris Farley                                
Who was fond of drinking some barley.                       
Then Sonny and Mike,                                        
Both skiing alike,                                          
Hit a tree and ended up gnarley.                            
                                                            
65270 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Chris Peterson           



Sonny Bono, on hitting that tree,                           
And proving that White Men Can't Ski,                       
Cried, "I've done show biz,                                 
And to Congressman riz...                                   
Now I want to be a Kennedy!"                                
                                                            
65271 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       CB                  T9801



The headlines were plain to see --                          
CONGRESSMAN SLAMS INTO TREE!!!                              
So I sat there and pondered,                                
The money they squandered,                                  
We should teach all those bastards to ski!                  
                                                            
65272 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       MrMalo                   



Strom Thurmond's the one I am cussing,                      
Spent the week in the hospital fussing.                     
And we get the bill;                                        
He's a hard one to kill;                                    
Ought to take the old bastard out schussing.                
                                                            
65273 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       MrMalo                   



There once was a man known as Mitch,                        
Who started a forum so rich,                                
Skiers free at the heel,                                    
Writing all that they feel                                  
About skiing, their favorite niche.                         
                                                            
65274 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Kokotele                 



When Telemark skiing in fluff,                              
The turning can be somewhat tough.                          
But once you get going                                      
With the powder snow flowing,                               
Everything else is just stuff.                              
                                                            
65275 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



As if to atone for their sins,                              
My buddies swapped bindings for pins.                       
"Free the heel; free the mind!"                             
With those words you will find                              
Where the real skiing ends and begins.                      
                                                            
65276 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



There once was a skier from Oz                              
Who had telemarkers at odds.                                
He skied so very cool,                                      
Even planed 'cross their pool;                              
In the end they all just said "Good God!"                   
                                                            
65277 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Anon                     



A French artist, a skier named Beck                         
Did not lace his boots, made by Trek.                       
As he skied down the hill                                   
He took quite a spill;                                      
Now they all call him Toulous Lautrec.                      
                                                            
65278 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Thomas Patton       P0306



She fancied herself as a skier,                             
Her actions could not have been freer.                      
A bad fall in a groove                                      
Left her unable to move.                                    
Her teacher said don't do that here!                        
                                                            
65279 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Arthur Pattaffy          



A nubile young Finn who went skiing                         
Could not find a good place for peeing.                     
The ski slopes were so bare,                                
If she dropped her pant there,                              
Her butt everyone would be seeing.                          
                                                            
65280 SPORTS - WINTER - SKIING       Marty and Croc           



The hobbyists find that the pros                            
Will sometimes look down by their nose.                     
"You shouldn't be playing,                                  
When they will be paying,"                                  
But what can you do about those?                            
                                                            
65281 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



A fellow named Minton kept hintin',                         
In talkin', in writin', in printin',                        
At all his virility;                                        
But his real inability                                      
Made the women all call him "bad Minton."                   
                                                            
65282 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Isaac Asimov             



While out for a game of badminton,                          
I asked a young pro for a hint on                           
Care of my shuttlecock.                                     
He said: "One - an old sock,                                
Or Two: less weekends in Frinton."                          
                                                            
65283 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Bill Wall                



A progressive young lass from Great Britain                 
Devised some new rules for badminton.                       
She required every jock                                     
To shuttle his cock                                         
To the place it was made to be fit in.                      
                                                            
65284 SPORTS - ZOTHER                David Finely             



A hardworking mohel named Schmock,                          
Snipped the prepuce from a boy-cock.                        
Then to that ringlet,                                       
He'd attach a plumed thinglet                               
And have a brand-new shuttlecock.                           
                                                            
65285 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



Tour de France went through La Grand Ville;                 
Nose to nose, knee to knee and wheel to wheel.              
At the end of the day,                                      
The competitors say,                                        
My ass, I'm not able to feel!                               
                                                            
65286 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Arthur Pattaffy          



Our hometown hero named Lance                               
Kicks ass on his grand Tour de France.                      
He had cancer testicular                                    
But we ain't particular;                                    
Who cares what goes on in his pants.                        
                                                            
65287 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



When he suffered that cancer attack,                        
Who would dream than young Lance could come back?           
But in bicycle sports                                       
If you're light in the shorts,                              
You can just gonad of the pack                              
                                                            
65288 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



Armstrong's clean and he's brave, not a saint.              
Just a good old boy.  Now ain't that quaint?                
He can out-ride most Frogs                                  
And he says "No" to drugs,                                  
And a better 'roll' model, there ain't.                     
                                                            
65289 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



Lance is quick as he rolls on his way,                      
Though not finishing first every day.                       
But in all the races,                                       
He's setting the paces.                                     
You can say our champs are lazy.                            
                                                            
65290 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



Can a bicyclist riding through France or                    
Any place else conquer cancer?                              
It's an uphill climb, sure,                                 
Before there's a cure,                                      
But I think our boy Lance has the answer.                   
                                                            
65291 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



Bicyclists who fall down on their journeys                  
Suffer sprains and may also injure knees.                   
But if you win the race                                     
With style and the grace                                    
Of our Lance, you may go and tour Nice.                     
                                                            
65292 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



Lance's team, they surely went "postal"                     
But one city they missed; it is coastal.                    
Now that he's finished posting,                             
He spend some time coasting                                 
And have a Nice day, as we most'll.                         
                                                            
65293 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



One more thing that has old Lance vexed,                    
And is likely to leave him perplexed.                       
It's tougher than cancer                                    
The the whole Tour de France, sir,                          
That 'parenthood' thing's coming next.                      
                                                            
65294 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Gary Hallock             



A Scotsman when tossing the caber,                          
Was told that his wife was in labor.                        
He got rid of the log,                                      
Which struck a poor dog,                                    
And 22 lambs of his neighbour!                              
                                                            
65295 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Arthur Pattaffy          



Kay met with the girls in the quad,                         
To try for the cheerleading squad.                          
Swished her dress, passed the test,                         
Waved her arms, bounced her breast,                         
As she jumped up and down on the sod.                       
                                                            
65296 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



Kay's talent for cheering was hot,                          
She outdid them all in the squat;                           
What she did was amazing,                                   
She kept the crowd gazing,                                  
At the pompoms she held in her twat!                        
                                                            
65297 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



A Chinese gent was playing croquet;                         
Asked his name, he said Hoquet Poquet.                      
When invited to the hall,                                   
Even took his own ball.                                     
For the hostess he took a bouquet.                          
                                                            
65298 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Arthur Pattaffy          



I only once dabbled in croquet --                           
My psychiatrist gave the okay.                              
I spent happy hours                                         
Whacking balls into flowers,                                
Which made an unusual bouquet.                              
                                                            
65299 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Bill Wall                



Poor Sue. whose young urges were wicked,                    
Said wryly, "Your game makes me sick, Ed.                   
I wait hours each day                                       
While you're playing croquet                                
And aim your hard balls at a wicket."                       
                                                            
65300 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Tucker D. Ott       P9003



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who fainted whenever she chose.                             
She did so one day                                          
While playing croquet,                                      
But was quickly revived with a hose.                        
                                                            
65301 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Edward Gorey             



A visiting guy from Detroit                                 
Was socially most maladroit.                                
When asked to play croquet,                                 
He said, "Okey dokey,                                       
But who's pinched de lines off the coit?"                   
                                                            
65302 SPORTS - ZOTHER                John Dole           P9705



There's a game in a lot of brave hearts;                    
It's the old English pub game of darts.                     
With a lot of beer swallowing,                              
It has a large following.                                   
Players think it as one of the arts!                        
                                                            
65303 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Arthur Pattaffy          



To me it has not yet been made clear                        
And the logic escapes me I fear.                            
Why are Jocks lionized                                      
And their incomes outsized,                                 
When they work only part of each year?                      
                                                            
65304 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Loren Fitzhugh      P0900



There once was a juggler named Drops,                       
Who couldn't hold on to his props.                          
He tossed them and heaved them,                             
Then dropped and retrieved them,                            
Till the audience told him to stop.                         
                                                            
65305 SPORTS - ZOTHER                VOL 10                   



There was a young fellow named Gump                         
Whose girl had a beautiful rump.                            
He once asked her to play                                   
The game "Leapfrog" one day,                                
But he never completed the jump.                            
                                                            
65306 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Albin Chaplin            



A mere average Jock, "Pete the Treat,"                      
Made demands owners rushed in to meet.                      
Accepting their onus,                                       
He got his huge bonus                                       
Based on his lengthy, detailed rap sheet.                   
                                                            
65307 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Loren Fitzhugh      P0900



All sports broadcasters are just absurd.                    
Those presenters prate on and are heard                     
To reveal endlessly,                                        
That they surely must be,                                   
Just as Dickens was, paid by the word.                      
                                                            
65308 SPORTS - ZOTHER                L C Fitzhugh        P0111



I've always been awed by your pole                          
Vaulting skills - Your height! Your long roll!              
That pause at the peak                                      
Makes my knees go weak,                                     
And my thighs lose all sense of control.                    
                                                            
65309 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



There was an Old Man in a casement,                         
Who held up his hands in amazement;                         
When they said, "Sir, you'll fall!"                         
He replied, "Not at all!                                    
I've pole vaulted up from the basement!"                    
                                                            
65310 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Edwardian Leer 039       



My pole hits your box and bends back                        
Near double.  My!  That's a small crack!                    
I'm shooting ten feet!                                      
A record for this meet!                                     
I love to compete on your track.                            
                                                            
65311 SPORTS - ZOTHER                H Whelchel               



An oversexed man from St. Paul                              
Had a cock as long as he was tall.                          
When he had a wet dream,                                    
He awoke with a scream,                                     
As he pole-vaulted into the hall.                           
                                                            
65312 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                    G0442



There was a pole vaulter from France,                       
Who used penis instead of a lance.                          
To help him jump higher,                                    
Girl's breasts he'd admire,                                 
For he'd rise at the very first glance.                     
                                                            
65313 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Bob Mornington           



A reckless young blade from Orlando                         
Was wild, and his wang was a jumbo.                         
He lept from the bed                                        
But missed, and instead,                                    
He pole-vaulted out of the window.                          
                                                            
65314 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A Polish pole vaulter named Pete                            
Cleared a bar set at twenty-two feet!                       
A sports writer poll                                        
Called this feat by a Pole                                  
With a pole, the year's foremost sports feat.               
                                                            
65315 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Laurence Perrine    P8911



Frustrated? Need relief? Then please call                   
Or come to the racquet ball hall.                           
Your balls my be blue,                                      
But with follow-through,                                    
It feels good to smash them on a wall.                      
                                                            
65316 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Stephen Ross             



Masochistic endeavor? Perhaps...                            
But it beats escorts and dancers on laps.                   
The only drip that you get                                  
Is a good healthy sweat,                                    
And only the audience "claps".                              
                                                            
65317 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Stephen Ross             



So with balls that are yellow or blue,                      
In clean whites, I'll be waiting for you.                   
(Though my mind may be dirty)                               
On the court at 5:30                                        
For a good game of squash for two.                          
                                                            
65318 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Stephen Ross             



Nearly all families envy the Slades.                        
They've a skill on which each member trades.                
The Slades couldn't care less                               
About togetherness.                                         
They all share a love for roller blades.                    
                                                            
65319 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Loren Fitzhugh      P0007



A Portuguese goer from Chile                                
Once met a young hooker named Willie.                       
He started to hug her;                                      
She said, "Let's play rugger."                              
Half time score: Chile-three; Willie-nillie.                
                                                            
65320 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Bill Wall                



Our David's a grumpy young bugger,                          
And maybe not be much of a rugger,                          
Though when not at work,                                    
Which he'll never shirk,                                    
I think he's a secret tree-hugger!                          
                                                            
65321 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



So it's England versus Australia.                           
With all the paraphernalia.                                 
This game of rugger                                         
Is really a bugger,                                         
If you end up the failia!                                   
                                                            
65322 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Michelle                 



So what will be the last score?                             
A hundred for us?  Maybe more?                              
You hide your asses;                                        
We'll fill our glasses,                                     
For England will win.  That's for sure!                     
                                                            
65323 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Michelle                 



You watch out for the referee,                              
'Cause that is gonna be me.                                 
Throw in the towel,                                         
'Cause I'll call a foul                                     
And we'll all sit down for tea!                             
                                                            
65324 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Michelle                 



You think you're so big and strong?                         
Well I'll tell you, it won't be long                        
Till we show you up,                                        
And hold up the cup.                                        
We're mightier than old King Kong!                          
                                                            
65325 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Michelle                 



Those Frenchies were crying for Mum,                        
When grabbed by the balls in the Scrum.                     
With Wilkinson's kicks,                                     
We humbled their dicks                                      
And waited...but they could not Cum.                        
                                                            
65326 SPORTS - ZOTHER                SFA                      



With Aussies, it's more of the same;                        
We'll teach 'em to fuck with our game.                      
No  messing  about;                                         
Straight from the line-out,                                 
They all will be pulling up lame.                           
                                                            
65327 SPORTS - ZOTHER                SFA                      



There was a young laddie named Leigh                        
Who playing rugby, damaged his knee.                        
When hurt in the scrum,                                     
He also damaged his tum;                                    
He now coaches the team for a fee.                          
                                                            
65328 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Arthur Pattaffy          



Some redheads are known to be brassy,                       
But she plays her squash really classy.                     
On court she's the master                                   
As she blasts them right past ya',                          
But her dropshots can be a bit assy.                        
                                                            
65329 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Tiddy Ogg                



The laws of Sir Isaac were found                            
To bring Megan so fast toward the ground.                   
Yet she's not smithereens,                                  
Since on all trampolines,                                   
What goes down, must go up, then go down.                   
                                                            
65330 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Kevin Ahern              



She did it, and sure 'nough was caught,                     
By the net, which alas was too taut.                        
She bounced, landed, broke                                  
Her pelvis; the bloke                                       
May well find himself in the court.                         
                                                            
65331 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



I'm sure of this lass he's quite fond,                      
They must have a very stong bond.                           
But she's a "real bummer,"                                  
Can't get much more dumber,                                 
I'll bet her hair color is blonde!                          
                                                            
65332 SPORTS - ZOTHER                                         



Remeber the two at the bar?                                 
It seemed like they wouldn't get far,                       
But now they are married.                                   
Their life is quite harried;                                
Twelve kids, all in sports, and one car!                    
                                                            
65333 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Chris Anton              



There was a young man from Aberdeen,                        
Who as a cool dude tried to be seen.                        
He walked the tight-wire,                                   
Juggling golf clubs of fire;                                
Retired a frustrated has-been.                              
                                                            
65334 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a weightlifter named Kerr                         
Who looked like a large shaggy bear.                        
When he's not lifting weights                               
It is hard to get dates;                                    
Like Sampson his strength's in his hair.                    
                                                            
65335 SPORTS - ZOTHER                Arthur Pattaffy          



A biology teacher, Tom Maloney,                             
Mixed crocodiles with abalone.                              
United, my friend,                                          
And then at the end,                                        
It gave him a "Crock-a-balone."                             
                                                            
65336 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Joseph N. Hankin    P9101



No penguins reside in Rangoon,                              
Though the zoo has a flippered raccoon                      
And a guy in Toledo                                         
Can provide a tuxedo                                        
That will fit their fish-eating baboon.                     
                                                            
65337 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Cyber Geezer             



A hermaphrodite and a gnu                                   
Gave birth to something quite new;                          
Had a tail like a donkey                                    
And a bipolar monkey;                                       
The rest was quite horrible too.                            
                                                            
65338 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Two biologists, Hansen and Babbit,                          
Crossed a camel one time with a rabbit.                     
The offspring was jumpy,                                    
And frightfully humpy,                                      
And had a lascivious habit.                                 
                                                            
65339 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL                         G2249



From the scientist's ivory tower                            
Came the word that was news of the hour.                    
They had crossed some young cattle                          
With blooms from Seattle,                                   
And made the world's first cowiflower.                      
                                                            
65340 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Paul Lusch          P9403



Polluted Lake Eire is grim                                  
And ichthyologists slave on its rim.                        
COho salmon are husky,                                      
Crossed with WALLeye and muSKY --                           
But CO-WALL-SKY knows not how to swim.                      
                                                            
65341 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Arthur Deex         P8908



One night while we're drinking a keg,                       
It was reckoned by my buddy, Greg,                          
That if his dog, Quicken,                                   
Could marry my chicken,                                     
Their offspring would be a pooched egg.                     
                                                            
65342 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Ron Sartain              



Crossing onions with donkeys implies                        
You'll get onions with long ears, Suprise!                  
Though your chances decrease                                
If you try for a piece                                      
Of ass that brings tears to your eyes.                      
                                                            
65343 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Bob Giandomenico    P9011



There once was a lady from Niger,                           
Who had an affair with a tiger.                             
The result was a fuck                                       
With a baldheaded duck,                                     
Two gnats and a circumcised spider.                         
                                                            
65344 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Jim Weaver Collection    



Hats off to the orthodox flea                               
Who attempted to bugger a bee,                              
But emerged from the fray                                   
In a family way...                                          
Which is why we do thing so fee-bly.                        
                                                            
65345 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL                         G1237



An alien rake on the loose                                  
Made love to a Canada Goose.                                
The offspring of the two                                    
Had a lavender hue,                                         
With shadings of brown, grey, and puce.                     
                                                            
65346 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     John Miller 0352         



Later the goose showed distaste                             
For the alien's amorous haste.                              
"My cherry intact,"                                         
She angrily quacked.                                        
(She's clearly a riled goose, chaste.)                      
                                                            
65347 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Delurk                   



Swiftly, the Goose filed suit,                              
And the trial, she thought was a hoot.                      
The Alien was in jail                                       
With no chance of bail;                                     
The Goose got away with much loot!                          
                                                            
65348 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Delurk                   



An unemployed teenage Rhinoceros,                           
Was arrested while swimming the Bosphorus.                  
A hippo he'd dated                                          
Had announced, "We've created                               
The world's very first hippopoceros."                       
                                                            
65349 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Cybergeezer              



No zebras did board Noah's ark,                             
Just horses, two white and two dark.                        
But for forty black nights,                                 
There were no bedroom lights,                               
Which caused zebras galore to disbark.                      
                                                            
65350 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Prof M-G                 



A cross between loon and baboon,                            
He made no woman swoon for the moon                         
With him as a mate.                                         
It made him irate                                           
Till he managed to croon a lampoon.                         
                                                            
65351 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Bill Backe-Hansen   P8409



A cootie once live in a bed                                 
With a louse and a flea who had bred.                       
Their offspring of six                                      
Knew all kinds of tricks,                                   
That would make the poor cootie blush red!                  
                                                            
65352 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     ROE                      



Genetically engineered, maybe.                              
But soon in the future we may see                           
Some strange yellow brute,                                  
Half dog and half fruit --                                  
A real melon-collie pup/baby.                               
                                                            
65353 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Tiddy                    



Biological tester, Doc Lanny                                
Did experiments that were uncanny;                          
He mated, we note,                                          
An owl with a goat,                                         
Which resulted in a hootenanny.                             
                                                            
65354 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Bob Giandomenico    P8811



A pretty young vet, named of Annie,                         
Once told me, "I think it's uncanny!                        
Cross an owl with a goat,                                   
Then stand back and take note.                              
They call this a real hootenanny!"                          
                                                            
65355 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     John Dohner         P8812



A turtle was finally fertile,                               
When he met a bird named of Myrtle.                         
He took her to bed --                                       
'Twas there that they bred                                  
The very first Parakeeturtle!                               
                                                            
65356 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Archie                   



The parakeeturtle's biology,                                
As studied in Perth's famous collegey,                      
Is given the name,                                          
For which Archie's to blame,                                
Amphibi-psittacocology.                                     
(turtle is not an anphibian - McW)                          
65357 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Tiddy Ogg                



A geneticist Dr. Hal Louth,                                 
Crossed a rooster with peanuts, down South.                 
His friends did query,                                      
"What did you get, Harry?"                                  
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.               
                                                            
65358 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Henry Mucha              



Can animals miscegenate?                                    
The zebra? Did two colors mate?                             
And did the wolf and snake                                  
Four legs/no legs -- love make,                             
And thus a two-legged thing create?                         
                                                            
65359 STRANGE OFFSPRING - ANIMAL     Irving Superior     P8911



A computer scientist known as "Mad Matt",                   
Crying "Genetics is where it's all at",                     
Crossed a Ford Veep he knew                                 
With a mammal that flew,                                    
And wound up with an auto.exec.bat.                         
                                                            
65360 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Cybergeezer              



A homely young fellow named Fritz                           
Fell deeply in love with a spitz;                           
Their offspring were strong                                 
But barked all day long,                                    
And gave most his relatives fits.                           
                                                            
65361 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Armand E Singer       340



There once was a girl named Carrie,                         
Who left for camp with her cherry.                          
But she met a beagle,                                       
Who took her spreadeagle;                                   
Her son is real short and quite hairy.                      
                                                            
65362 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Lewis Pavlo              



The jury convicted poor Dolly                               
Of a crime they called sexual folly.                        
Though she proved that her rape                             
Was performed by an ape,                                    
What she bore looked much more like a collie.               
                                                            
65363 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Lims For Year - 01       



What is love between man and a cat?                         
Is anything simpler than that?                              
He started to mate her,                                     
And just three months later,                                
They proudly gave birth to a rat.                           
                                                            
65364 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Heather McCabe           



An ignorant maiden named Crewe-Pitt,                        
Did something amazingly stupid.                             
When her lover had spent,                                   
She douched with cement,                                    
And gave birth to a statue of Cupid.                        
                                                            
65365 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L1392



Take for exampe the dude                                    
Who stuck in his pecker and spewed                          
His load in the twat                                        
Of Bessie and got                                           
A cud-chewing cowboy that mooed.                            
                                                            
65366 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Travis Brasell           



There was a young lad named Sutton,                         
Who said, as he carved up the mutton,                       
"My father preferred                                        
The last sheep in the herd,                                 
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."                   
                                                            
65367 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L0652



A gander once gave quite a goose                            
To young Minnehaha's caboose.                               
It made Hiawath-                                            
A at the mouth froth,                                       
When she bore a nice feathered papoose.                     
                                                            
65368 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Tiddy Ogg                



A damsel in Kalamazoo                                       
Found sexual affairs far too few.                           
So in wanton folly                                          
She seduced a big collie...                                 
And today her first litter is due.                          
                                                            
65369 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Grand Prix Lim  144 G1262



There once was a girl from Poughkeepsie                     
Who was screwed by a gnu while tipsy.                       
The results of this deed                                    
Were a large hairy steed                                    
And a fiddling A and P gypsy.                               
                                                            
65370 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Giandomenico    P8912



A girl who while slightly besotted,                         
In a zucchini patch blithly squatted.                       
Nine months later, by gosh,                                 
She gave birth to a squash                                  
And several house plants that were potted.                  
                                                            
65371 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Giandomenico    P8912



A brash young explorer named Kay,                           
Strode forth in the jungle one day.                         
There she met a gorilla                                     
The size of Godzilla;                                       
(She's now in a family way).                                
                                                            
65372 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Armand E Singer       853



I'm blushing, for all who can see;                          
I'm father to that chimpanzee.                              
His mum was a slut                                          
And I screwed her - but                                     
That chimp made a monkey of me!                             
                                                            
65373 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



I got in the mail just today                                
(You know what I'm going to say)                            
Subpoena from LA Zoo,                                       
Now I'm in the poo;                                         
The maintenance I've got to pay!                            
                                                            
65374 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



Have you seen the "Globe?"  Oh, my Hell!                    
There's a babe and mom we know so well.                     
"Calf with human head                                       
Found in Texas shed.                                        
Dad is some guy from A.J.L."                                
                                                            
65375 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Marlene Lewis            



You've fallen for a tired yarn                              
That spread by reporters who garn-                          
er outrageous tales                                         
To bolster their sales.                                     
I've been nowhere near Bessie's Barn.                       
                                                            
65376 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Frank Fazed              



Are you sure that there is nothing more?                    
Another lawsuit would be such a bore,                       
For you simply may                                          
Be asked again to pay                                       
For this bastard and one fathered before.                   
                                                            
65377 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Ericka                   



That guy! He's done it now!                                 
He's made me real angry.  Know How?                         
He has been untrue.                                         
Someday he will rue                                         
That he's been with old Bessie, the cow.                    
                                                            
65378 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Marlene Lewis            



I'm tying him up in a knot                                  
Till I find out what he has caught.                         
If it's scabies or bangs,                                   
I'll see that he hangs,                                     
Beside all the rest that forgot.                            
                                                            
65379 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Marlene Lewis            



The behavior that seemed to produce                         
An unusual looking papoose,                                 
Was an Indian maid,                                         
Who they said had been laid                                 
By a highly enamorous moose.                                
                                                            
65380 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Cap'n Bean          P0010



Lavinia Jane from Four Marks,                               
Loved playing with dogs in the parks.                       
Don't know what she did,                                    
But she now has a kid,                                      
Who's covered with hair and who barks.                      
                                                            
65381 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



They say that the gray, bug-eyed aliens                     
Are mixing with human mammalians.                           
Mammalicity's what                                          
The creatures have sought,                                  
For breeding the tots called humaliens.                     
                                                            
65382 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Silvia S Crockett   P0104



There was a young lady of Niger,                            
Who had an affair with a tiger.                             
The result of the fuck                                      
Was a bald-headed duck,                                     
Two gnats and a circumcised spider.                         
                                                            
65383 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Penguin Dictionary  P2005



I once knew a fellow named Jake,                            
Who stepped on a large rattlesnake.                         
You could hear his loud calls                               
When the snake bit his balls;                               
'Twas more than a grown man could take.                     
                                                            
65384 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Birch           P0302



When his left ball swelled up twice its size,               
Jake couldn't believe his own eyes.                         
And his right one turned green...                           
The sight was obscene,                                      
And attracted a large swarm of flies.                       
                                                            
65385 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Birch           P0302



Jake's peter turned three shades of blue,                   
And his wife asked "Now what shall we do?"                  
Said Jake, with a grin                                      
"Let me stick my dick in,                                   
And I promise a colorful screw."                            
                                                            
65386 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Birch           P0302



And screwing is just what they did,                         
With passion that neither one hid.                          
Nine months from the day                                    
Of that colorful lay,                                       
Jake's young wife gave birth to a kid.                      
                                                            
65387 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Birch           P0302



When the boy was still really quite young,                  
They discovered his long, forked tongue,                    
And it was hard to miss,                                    
The kid's sinister hiss,                                    
Whenever the telephone rung.                                
                                                            
65388 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Birch           P0302



I hope you don't think me a tattle,                         
But this kid could cause panic in cattle.                   
Though the thought is not nice,                             
He would swallow up mice,                                   
And fell deeply in love with his rattle.                    
                                                            
65389 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Birch           P0302



There once was a girl up the street                         
Who really was into white sheep.                            
On her lawn, they would graze                               
To the neighbor's amaze,                                    
And her babies, when born, they did bleat.                  
                                                            
65390 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Pooh                     



There was a young lady from Leeper,                         
Who was raped by an ape in her sleeper.                     
When nine months were through,                              
She called up the zoo,                                      
And gave the results to the keeper.                         
                                                            
65391 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Grand Prix Lim  664 G1270



A broken-down harlot named Tupps,                           
Was heard to confess in her cups:                           
"The height of my folly,                                    
Was fucking a collie--                                      
But I got a good price for the pups."                       
                                                            
65392 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L0657



There was a young lady from Teal,                           
Who was raped in the lake by an eel.                        
One morning at dawn,                                        
She gave birth to a prawn,                                  
Two crabs, and a small baby seal.                           
                                                            
65393 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L0654



A zoologist's daughter in Ewing,                            
Gave birth to a bottle of bluing.                           
Her father said, "Flo,                                      
What I want to know,                                        
Isn't whether, but what you've been screwing.               
                                                            
65394 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L1665



The girl replied, quick as a wink,                          
"My child isn't bluing, it's ink",                          
The professor said, "Ah,                                    
Then, no doubt its papa,                                    
Is the squid that I keep in the sink."                      
                                                            
65395 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L1666



There was a young lady, Miss Rhodes,                        
Who sinned in unusual modes.                                
At the height of her fame,                                  
She abruptly became                                         
The mother of four dozen toads.                             
                                                            
65396 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L0635



There was a young lady named Myrtle,                        
Who had an affair with a turtle.                            
She had crabs, so they say,                                 
In nine months and a day,                                   
Which proves that the turtle was fertile.                   
                                                            
65397 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Anon                L0622



Cold nights, we take sheep to our beds,                     
For their warmth, unlike our Cousin Jeds,                   
Who squished too much goo                                   
Up his favourite ewe,                                       
Which accounts for that lamb with two heads.                
                                                            
65398 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



There was an old man of Gilhooley                           
Who buggered three sheep with his toolie.                   
All his offspring looked strange,                           
Eat their meals on the range,                               
Walk upright, but are terribly woolie.                      
                                                            
65399 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Vassar Smith        P9807



A degraded low-lifer named Scruggs                          
Kept a menage-a-trois with two pugs;  (dogs not pugilists)  
Now the sex was real torrid,                                
But the offspring: low forehead,                            
Shaggy muzzle, plus multiple dugs.                          
                                                            
65400 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Armand Singer       P0307



There was a young man from Dundee,                          
Who buggered an ape in a tree.                              
The result was most horrid,                                 
All ass and no forehead,                                    
Blue balls and a purple goatee.                             
                                                            
65401 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Algernon C. Swinburn     



There was a man named McKeever,                             
Who had an affair with a beaver.                            
The result of this fuck,                                    
Was a canvasback duck,                                      
Two canoes and an Irish retriever.                          
(The result of this rape, was a canvasback drake)           
65402 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Jim McWilliam            



There was a young man named Victor,                         
Who boogered a boa constrictor.                             
The result of this rape,                                    
Was two miles of Scotch tape,                               
And three reels from an old Tarzan picture.                 
                                                            
65403 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



The herder who hailed from Terre haute                      
Fell in love with a young nanny goat.                       
The daughter he sired                                       
Was greatly admired                                         
For her beautiful angora coat.                              
                                                            
65404 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Anon                     



There was a young man from Peru,                            
Who, one day when he had nothing to do,                     
He pulled out his carrot,                                   
And buggered a parrot,                                      
And sent the result to the zoo.                             
(Who was hard up for something to do,  Published 1879)      
65405 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Norman Douglas      L0630



There once was a man of Belfast                             
Whose balls out of iron were cast.                          
He'd managed somehow                                        
To bugger a sow,                                            
Thus you get pig-iron, at last.                             
                                                            
65406 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L0578



There once was a man from Geneva,                           
Who buggered a black bitch retriever.                       
The result was a sow,                                       
Two horses, a cow,                                          
Three lambs and a London coal-heaver.                       
                                                            
65407 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L0604



A sailor indulged in coitus                                 
With a cow of the genus of Cetus.                           
Piscatologists thundered,                                   
Biologists wondered,                                        
At the anchor tattooed on the foetus.                       
(cetus spp. - whales)                                       
65408 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     L0588



Before World War I, in a brig,                              
A man fell in love with a pig.                              
The two had communion;                                      
The result of that union                                    
Would be named Adolf Hitler, you dig?                       
                                                            
65409 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Actaeon                  



An Indian squaw on the loose                                
Was ravished one day by a moose.                            
But what is much worse,                                     
She now has to nurse                                        
A four-footed horny papoose.                                
                                                            
65410 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Hugh Oliver          118c



There once was a woman quite fair                           
Who had more than her fair share of hair.                   
It is often recalled                                        
That her father was bald,                                   
But her mother, you see, was a bear.                        
                                                            
65411 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Joe Thompson             



There once was a creature named Lee,                        
Who sobbed, "Do not photograph me;                          
I also reject                                               
All things that reflect;                                    
My mom was the maid from Dundee."                           
                                                            
65412 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Ed Potts            P8507



Said Mendel, "Genetics are cute,                            
And I've just created a beaut.                              
I put a frog in a sack                                      
With a political hack,                                      
and got me a Newt in a suit."                               
                                                            
65413 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Vertech Limerick Contest 



A snake charmer from Mauna Loa                              
Once had an affair with her boa...                          
What came out at the birth                                  
Sure created no mirth...                                    
So she sleeps with her boa no moa.                          
                                                            
65414 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Grand Prix Lim  331      



A gorilla, the king of the roarers,                         
Told his mate, "Keep away from explorers.                   
If they like sex like we do,                                
They'll be after you...                                     
And I don't want some half-human horrors."                  
                                                            
65415 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Grand Prix Lim  219      



You now will have to go to court                            
In order to collect child support,                          
From one quite bald                                         
Who filled the vault                                        
Of Bessie while having some sport.                          
                                                            
65416 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Jim Weaver Collection    



A playful and daring young otter                            
Made love to a girl in the water.                           
She squealed with delight                                   
And stayed through the night                                
And she bore him a son and a daughter.                      
                                                            
65417 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Actaeon                  



There was a young lady named Gish,                          
Who was filled with a passion for fish.                     
Five minutes of lovin'                                      
But a bun in her oven,                                      
And she gave birth to a platter of squish.                  
                                                            
65418 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     G1243



Here's a  marvel of gene-splitting science!                 
Took a rooster, and made strange alliance,                  
With a lawyer's gray matter                                 
In the rooster; such clatter!                               
Now the bird enjoys clucking defiance!                      
                                                            
65419 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



The great lion tamer, Ms. Chung,                            
Had sex with her charges while young.                       
The kids are like her,                                      
Except that they purr,                                      
And drink milk with the back of their tongue.               
                                                            
65420 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN John Miller              



Once they got older, they'd roar                            
"Mama was such an old whore!"                               
She slept with the monkey                                   
And even the donkey,                                        
Or whatever else came through the door.                     
                                                            
65421 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Arden                    



Miss Mary has a lamb she can keep,                          
But her secret is dark and it's deep.                       
The lamb's not a pet;                                       
It's what you can get                                       
If you go around screwing with sheep.                       
                                                            
65422 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Arnie Schoenbrun    P0208



There was an old floozy named Myrtle                        
Whose loins were incredibly fertile.                        
Out her sexual chute                                        
Came a roach, and to boot,                                  
Three young'uns, two dogs, and a turtle.                    
                                                            
65423 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Armand E Singer        92



I once fell in love with a ram;                             
In bed he was really "Hot Damn!"                            
I'd nary a grizzle                                          
About his huge pizzle,                                      
But it hurt like hell having his lamb.                      
                                                            
65424 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Cyberhog            T9711



A shepherdess high in the Grams                             
Had a beautiful slit 'twixt her hams.                       
One day an old buck                                         
Got her down for a fuck,                                    
And now she's the mother of lambs.                          
                                                            
65425 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                     G1246



A circus performer named Peale,                             
Who coupled for kicks with her seal,                        
Was distressed that she did,                                
For she then had a squid,                                   
A frog and a large conger eel.                              
                                                            
65426 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Giandomenico    P9002



On a bench sat a man, kind of old;                          
To the same bench, a younger dude strolled;                 
His spiked hair was a riot                                  
Of colors, none quiet;                                      
Red and purple, plus blue, green and gold!                  
                                                            
65427 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



The old man thought this kid might be gay,                  
As he stared, somewhat  rudely, I'd say;                    
The punk glared; then he spoke:                             
"Whassamatter, old bloke?                                   
Ever done something wild in your day?"                      
                                                            
65428 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



"I got drunk once, woke up, puked a ton;                    
I could not believe what I'd done;                          
I had fucked, so I heard,                                   
A big tropical bird;                                        
Now I wonder if you are my son!"                            
                                                            
65429 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



Said our Little Nell of Glen Ellen,                         
On finding her midriff was swellin':                        
"I've only used candles,                                    
Hot dogs and broom handles,                                 
So what I will have is hard tellin'."                       
                                                            
65430 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Grand Prix Lim  880 G1665



Beastiality's a sin--that's emphatic!                       
Its effects can be quite problematic.                       
Are the offsprint cute? Sure!                               
But they all, when mature,                                  
Get on welfare and vote Democratic!                         
                                                            
65431 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Vassar Smith        P9403



A woman whose morals were loose                             
Once while camping, a deer did seduce,                      
Greatly swelling her girth                                  
After which she gave birth                                  
To an elk, a gazelle, and a moose.                          
                                                            
65432 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Bob Giandomenico    P9002



There was a young girl of Geneva,                           
A gorilla she got to relieve 'er.                           
The result of the fuck                                      
Was a hen and a duck,                                       
A snake and a bloody retriever.                             
                                                            
65433 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN                          



A blond with an oversized box                               
Thought: Gorillas have very big cocks.                      
Her son's a fine lad.                                       
His looks are not bad,                                      
But his knuckles, they drag when he walks!                  
                                                            
65434 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN John K Roberts      P9302



A shepherd who lived near Torino,                           
Would frequently shag a merino.                             
He'd not wear a sheath                                      
While out on the heath,                                     
And he now has a woolly bambino.                            
                                                            
65435 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HALF HUMAN Tiddy Ogg                



An obliging young lady of Leeds                             
Thinks life should be filled with good deeds,               
But regrets the sequelae     (...the effects)               
Of free gillie-gillies       (Caused by careless free sex)  
For her kids are ten shades and three creeds.               
                                                            
65436 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN                          G1679



A Tel Aviv couple must wince                                
After marrying just four months since.                      
For to nuptials they'd brung                                
Fully seventeen young,                                      
And now they're expecting some quints.                      
                                                            
65437 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9704



The children of old Mrs. Carey                              
Are an odd lot, they really do vary.                        
Some have two heads --                                      
Real thoroughbreds!                                         
Some are bald, some feathered, some hairy.                  
                                                            
65438 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      June Sullivan       P8411



Their genes are all out of whack,                           
(Mrs. Carey is nee Kallikak)                                
Give the Devil his due,                                     
It really is true                                           
They all hold office, alack!                                
                                                            
65439 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      June Sullivan       P8411



A young pregnant woman named Mears                          
Birthed a child that would bring you to tears -             
For out of her cunt                                         
Came a bow-legged runt,                                     
With his ass up between his ears!                           
                                                            
65440 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Jim Weaver Collection    



A baboon, slightly long in the fang,                        
Mated up with an orangutang.                                
The mutant result                                           
Was to them an insult,                                      
But the source from which we all sprang.                    
                                                            
65441 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      June Sullivan       P8408



Big Robert from Medicine Hat                                
Thought he had the procedure down pat;                      
But pinned to the wall                                      
He mistimed his withdrawal --                               
Thus it was Little Bob was begat.                           
                                                            
65442 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Hugh Oliver           90a



A woman residing in Perth,                                  
She died on the day she gave birth                          
To a baby named Fred,                                       
With a truly large head,                                    
And a butt of exceptional girth.                            
                                                            
65443 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Cap'n Bean          P0800



The first child of Mrs Keats-Shelly                         
Came to light with its face in its belly.                   
Her second was born                                         
With a hump and a horn,                                     
And her third was as shapeless as jelly.                    
(I wonder not who, but what she has been screwing?)         
65444 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Edward Gorey             



A pervert by named of George Greer                          
Would hop on his wife from the rear;                        
Though at last she conceived,                               
She was hardly relieved:                                    
Her offspring burst out through her ear.                    
                                                            
65445 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       844



There was a great redhead from Lithem,                      
Who sang with a band and slept with 'em.                    
It's sad to relate,                                         
She's borne twelve kids to date,                            
Six brass, four reeds, and two rhythm.                      
                                                            
65446 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Ed Wolfert          P8212



When counting his family, Mark Evans                        
Said, "There's triplets, and quads, Oh! Good heavens!       
I've also twin daughters                                    
At three and three-quarters                                 
And my sons are at sixes and sevens."                       
                                                            
65447 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Funfax Limericks         



Said a slave-holding lecher named May                       
Of the fruit from a romp in the hay:                        
"Why the cute little creature's                             
Got all his dad's features,                                 
And I've always loved 'cafe au lay'."                       
                                                            
65448 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       123



My life's been a zig-zag, it's clear;                       
But consider, sirs, is it so queer,                         
Since my ma was pure white                                  
And my pa black as night,                                   
That I've had such a checkered career?                      
                                                            
65449 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Laurence Perrine    P8911



There once was a maid of Japan,                             
Who married a Hottentot man;                                
The maid she was yellow,                                    
Black as coal was the fellow,                               
And their children were all black and tan.                  
                                                            
65450 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Arthur Deex         P9304



My father, the terrorist Jackal,                            
Would strap Mom to the bed with a shackle;                  
Then to copulate fully,                                     
He'd suspend from a pulley,                                 
I'm called Chip - off the old block and tackle.             
                                                            
65451 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Mark Levy                



There was a black lady named Ella                           
Who was laid by a Caucasian fella.                          
The result of their sins                                    
Was a mixed set of twins,                                   
One chocolate, the other vanilla.                           
                                                            
65452 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Bob Giandomenico    P8912



A sorcerer from East Upper Randle                           
Made love by bell, book, and candle.                        
His sexual strife                                           
Drew groans from his wife,                                  
And now a young changeling, they dandle.                    
                                                            
65453 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Bruce Thompson           



The poor little bastard emerges                             
Unaware of Man's sexual urges...                            
For nine months, unknowing,                                 
He's spent his time growing,                                
Despite subsequent humpings and purges...                   
                                                            
65454 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim   82      



He told us this tale, did La Rouche:                        
"My wife had just finished her douche,                      
When out popped a foetus,                                   
Who reached out to greet us,                                
And said, 'Boy ain't I a bonne bouche!"                     
                                                            
65455 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       856



Beware of man's sexual goal...                              
Once you plug it, my friend, with your pole,                
You are hooked for a meal; a mink coat or a seal...         
You're expected to wed for a bout in her bed...             
You are sued for support for the kid she brought forth,     
And you end in the red, on the whole!                       
65456 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim  751      



A rueful young maiden named Sue,                            
Though warned of the evil men do,                           
Refused to take heed                                        
And soon failed to bleed:                                   
In time came a squalling baboo.                             
                                                            
65457 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       549



Said a horny young man from Calais                          
(Who masturbated all day)                                   
"It's safer than swimmin',                                  
And neater than women,                                      
And it's only myself that I pay!"                           
                                                            
65458 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      John Miller 0337a        



A maid met that man from Calais                             
And exclaimed, "Oh, don't throw that away!                  
I won't charge a fee                                        
If you shove it on me,                                      
And we'll have lots of fun in the hay!"                     
                                                            
65459 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      John Miller 0337b        



Now that randy young pair from Calais                       
Watches fifteen young kids as they play                     
At games with each other --                                 
Sister and brother --                                       
And they all seem to like it that way.                      
                                                            
65460 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      John Miller 0337c        



Une femme in the Faubourg Germaine                          
Had a bad intersexional pain...                             
She'd borne twins before,                                   
But now she dropped four.                                   
...Unmarried, that's hard to explain!                       
                                                            
65461 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim  763      



A lady proceeded to curse                                   
Her child with his antics perverse.                         
"He brought nothing but shame,                              
And he's sullied my name,                                   
And the fuck that he came from was worse."                  
                                                            
65462 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Albin Chaplin   3024-1408



A remarkable baker was Hartz.                               
His life imitated his arts.                                 
For every last son                                          
Was a fruitcake (each one);                                 
While his daughters were tasty young tarts.                 
                                                            
65463 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Michael Weinstein        



A certain young lady who stuttered                          
So wobbled her breasts when she uttered,                    
It was later revealed                                       
That her milk got congealed,                                
And the brood she brought forth was half-buttered.          
                                                            
65464 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN                          G1724



If one-eighth black, an octaroon;                           
If one-fourth black, you're a quadroon.                     
But if you're half and half,                                
Both races will laugh.                                      
If half and half, you're a spittoon.                        
                                                            
65465 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Irving Superior     P8911



Concerning sex, Miss Minnie Meggs,                          
Remarked as she tightened her legs,                         
"The last time I did,                                       
I had me a kid,                                             
So to hell with you men and your pegs!"                     
                                                            
65466 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim  674      



That night as the Earth shook with thunder,                 
Making love 'neath a tree was a blunder.                    
A lightning bolt                                            
Struck his asswith a jolt;                                  
He very near split her asunder.                             
                                                            
65467 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Tiddy                    



The condom he wore, thus exploding,                         
Made the sperm change genetic encoding.                     
The child, as she feared,                                   
Was decidedly weird,                                        
And quite justified her foreboding.                         
                                                            
65468 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Tiddy                    



She naturally called the tad Thor;                          
He'd screw any girl, rich or poor.                          
Plus sheep, cows and cats,                                  
Dogs, horses, and rats,                                     
Till his prick was most tender and sore.                    
                                                            
65469 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Tiddy                    



He aged from this surfeit of passion,                       
So bought an old Mac, started flashin',                     
Was soon apprehended.                                       
(Not what was intended)                                     
And from the judge got an ear-bashin'.                      
                                                            
65470 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Tiddy                    



He entered a most heart-felt plea,                          
"My genes were all addled, you see."                        
It worked, I'm released.                                    
I'm terribly pleased...                                     
Oh yes, I admit, it was me!                                 
                                                            
65471 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Tiddy                    



Lady Cynthia Parkerhouse Furman                             
Met and married, off Finland, a merman.                     
But whether the woman                                       
Bore babes that were human                                  
Or finnish, we've yet to determine.                         
                                                            
65472 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Laurence Perrine    P9407



Man, it's never as good as it looks,                        
Nor as good as in Limerick books...                         
But it's still so attractive                                
It keeps the race active,                                   
Making kids out of nookie, in nooks!                        
                                                            
65473 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim  997      



There was a young fellow from Frisco                        
Who greased up his organ with Crisco.                       
But such was the heat                                       
When he wielded his meat,                                   
That his children were made of Nabisco.                     
                                                            
65474 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN                          G2344



There once lived a man named Slade,                         
Who claimed he had never been laid.                         
He had children in bunches,                                 
And confirmed most folks' hunches                           
That all of his kids are hand-made.                         
                                                            
65475 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Oddo Von Schlong    T9710



A broadminded lady, quite shackey,                          
Once had a bout with an Iraqi.                              
The result of their sins                                    
Was triplets, not twins,                                    
One light and one dark and one khaki.                       
                                                            
65476 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Sex to Sexty        P8808



There was a young lady named Sharkey,                       
Who had an affair with a darky.                             
The results of her sins,                                    
Were quadruplets, not twins,                                
One white, and one black, and two khaki.                    
                                                            
65477 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Anon                L0978



A colleen for fair Ballycrotty,                             
Loved men of all colors, 'twas dotty.                       
But her children's a sight,                                 
Every heart to delight,                                     
For they're black, brown, green-striped and spotty.         
                                                            
65478 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN                               



Here lies a young salesman named Phipps,                    
Who married on one of his trips,                            
A widow named Block.                                        
He died of the shock,                                       
When he saw there were six little chips.                    
                                                            
65479 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN                               



There's a freaky old fellow named Ike                       
Who lives in a house down the pike.                         
His dad and his mother                                      
Were kin to each other --                                   
That's why he looks so much alike.                          
                                                            
65480 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Bob Giandomenico    P8811



The lady from Wheeling's an aunt.                           
Her niece was born somewhat aslant.                         
She has extra eyes,                                         
But that's no surprise,                                     
Down wind from Dow Chemical's plant.                        
                                                            
65481 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Larry Davis         P8507



A descendant of Vasco Da Gama                               
Overcmae a sun bather in Palma.                             
In the general confusion                                    
He performed a transfusion...                               
And today Palma has a new mama.                             
                                                            
65482 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim  900      



Though she looks upon sex as unclean,                       
Scores of satyrs have mounted Miss Bean.                    
Each time that she's weakened,                              
She's found herself fecund,                                 
And her bastards now number sixteen.                        
                                                            
65483 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN                          G1728



The lady from Thun quite agrees:                            
"Strange liasons don't always please;                       
The man came too soon,                                      
And I, late last June,                                      
Gave birth to a wedge of green cheese."                     
                                                            
65484 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Ed Potts            P8507



A seamstress divulged 'midst her sobbin'                    
She'd been pricked by a tailor named Robin.                 
The result of her sins                                      
Was a paper of pins,                                        
And some red and white thread on a bobbin.                  
                                                            
65485 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Albin Chaplin 3024  G1720



Baby Bonus in Canada's grand,                               
But Quebec makes a greater demand.                          
When a horny Quebecker                                      
Sticks his wife with his pecker,                            
The taxes go up through the land.                           
                                                            
65486 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Albin Chaplin            



McCaughey's made a contribution,                            
The first time in man's evolution.                          
As they beget                                               
A new septet,                                               
They are guilty of heir pollution.                          
(live septuplets born 1997)                                 
65487 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Tom Patton          P9801



A feckless young swimmer named Herman                       
Got hitched to his own cousin German.                       
They had several kids                                       
With pretty bad ids,                                        
Two sex fiends, one whore, and a merman.                    
                                                            
65488 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       528



Said a father, from near Metabechouan,                      
To his son, "I just wanted to let you on                    
To a secret, you slug --                                    
You are now on the rug                                      
That your mother and I did beget you on."                   
                                                            
65489 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Keith MacMillan       40c



A fertile young housewife named Scott                       
Had youngsters all over the lot.                            
Her organs proliferous,                                     
Abnormally oviferous,                                       
Sure helped tax deductions somewhat.                        
                                                            
65490 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       266



A nubile young maiden from Weir                             
Complained that her stomach felt queer.                     
It grew fatter and fatter                                   
Up until she begat her                                      
Unwanted third kid in a year.                               
                                                            
65491 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       118



A real virile fellow from Needham                           
Had sixteen fat brats -- could he breed 'em! --             
But he let them all croak,                                  
Saying, "Damn it, I'm broke;                                
I see no good reason to feed 'em!"                          
                                                            
65492 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       764



There was a young fellow of Brum,                           
When told that his baby had come,                           
Danced 'round with great glee,                              
Till they said that there's three!                          
And he then looked exceedingly glum.                        
                                                            
65493 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Illustrated Lims    P9604



As his wife dropped her twenty-third kid,                   
The lazy hillbilly named Tidd                               
Said, "It seems kind of silly                               
I would do that to Tillie,                                  
And I wonder, sometimes, if I did?"                         
                                                            
65494 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim  226      



There was a young man called Carruther,                     
Who had twins by a surrogate mother.                        
At the moment of birth,                                     
She pulled in her girth                                     
And out popped two more from his brother.                   
                                                            
65495 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Rick Limmer         T9711



Watch out for that babe in Madrid                           
Who claims that you fathered her kid...                     
Since you've rumpled most beds,                             
And the kid has two heads,                                  
It's dollars to doughnuts, you DID!                         
                                                            
65496 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Grand Prix Lim  461      



To his wife sneered a satyr named Strothers,                
Who had umpteen more kids than her brothers,                
"Though maybe you've prayed                                 
I'd let you be spayed,                                      
I intend to make dozens of others."                         
                                                            
65497 STRANGE OFFSPRING - HUMAN      Armand E Singer       216



We've got all the new sex devices!                          
You can taste-test pussy in slices!                         
We've hooters and cooters,                                  
Inflatable pooters!                                         
At everyday, low, Wal-mart prices!                          
                                                            
65498 SUBSTITUTES                                             



There was a young man of Racine                             
Who invented a fucking machine.                             
'Twas a mine of gold,                                       
The stock being sold                                        
By Merril Lynch, Fenner & Beane.                            
                                                            
65499 SUBSTITUTES                                        G2193



There once was a Swedish inventor named Dag,                
Who built a contraption that knew how to shag.              
In a manner obscene                                         
He was sucked into the machine,                             
And nothing was left but his balls and some cream!          
(...but some hair and his bag.)                             
65500 SUBSTITUTES                                       G2017a



In order to earn some subsistence                           
A couple led separate existence.                            
They had duplicates made                                    
By the best in the trade,                                   
And each other they screwed at long distance.               
                                                            
65501 SUBSTITUTES                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1908



Come and see our French goods - you can try 'em.            
Fit them on for right size when you buy 'em.                
Strong, smooth, and reversible,                             
The thinnest dispersible;                                   
Any odd shape you need, we supply 'em.                      
                                                            
65502 SUBSTITUTES                    Anon                G0111



Try our Rubber Girlfriend (air inflatable),                 
Perennially young (quite insatiable).                       
Our satisfied clients,                                      
From midgets to giants,                                     
Say she's incrediblely sexy and mate-able.                  
                                                            
65503 SUBSTITUTES                    Anon                G0112



None could better our sex limousine,                        
With its neat, built-in Fucking Machine.                    
Diesel-powered, this connects                               
To suit either sex,                                         
And adjusts to the fat and the lean.                        
                                                            
65504 SUBSTITUTES                    Anon                G0113



The wealthy old man from Racine                             
Who invented the fucking machine                            
Said, "One thing made it sell                               
So remarkedly well --                                       
The endorsement it got from the Queen."                     
                                                            
65505 SUBSTITUTES                    A. N. Wilkins       P8507



The newest last line to "Racine,"                           
Is up-to-date, apt, and it's clean;                         
No scansion, no rhymes,                                     
But it fits modern times:                                   
"Allow six weeks for delivery.  Wisconsin residents         
   add 7% sales tax.  Batteries not included".              
65506 SUBSTITUTES                    Ed Potts            P8507



A broke Western bar owner, Mull,                            
Just changed his mechanical bull                            
From a bucking machine                                      
To a fucking machine,                                       
And now every night, he's full.                             
                                                            
65507 SUBSTITUTES                                             



In the year 2121                                            
Computer sex has begun.                                     
You'll have a peripheral                                    
To provide the visceral                                     
Emotions that make sex such fun.                            
                                                            
65508 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



In the year 2222                                            
People will no longer screw.                                
They'll take a pill                                         
For an orgasmic thrill.                                     
You won't need me nor I you.                                
                                                            
65509 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



In the year 4444                                            
Men will use an electronic whore.                           
Her vagina will hum                                         
And analyze your come,                                      
So that your DNA can be stored.                             
                                                            
65510 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



In the year 4646                                            
A robot with multiple pricks                                
Will achieve the goal:                                      
To plug every hole,                                         
All at once in a single trick                               
                                                            
65511 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



In the year 5353                                            
People will find it hard to see.                            
Sister and Brother                                          
Will look like each other,                                  
As their genital organs atrophy.                            
                                                            
65512 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



In the year 6868                                            
People will start to ponder their fate.                     
Men will be blue                                            
And women too.                                              
Big Brother says sex not so great.                          
                                                            
65513 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



In the year 6969                                            
As if from heaven there came a sign;                        
The act that signifies                                      
Will not be denied.                                         
They start a practice from an early time.                   
                                                            
65514 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



In the year 7010                                            
People will start fucking again.                            
Women in bed,                                               
Legs open and spread.                                       
Power to the Penis, let men be men!                         
                                                            
65515 SUBSTITUTES                    Puff Adder               



An electric inventor named Gene                             
Perfected a fucking machine.                                
In a horrible manner,                                       
It grabbed his banana,                                      
And all that was left was a scream!                         
                                                            
65516 SUBSTITUTES                                        G2017



While making a sperm-bank deposit,                          
A gay said, "I do it because it                             
Feels wonderfully keen                                      
To be blown by machine,                                     
Instead of some queen in a closet."                         
                                                            
65517 SUBSTITUTES                    Norm Storer              



Surveillance -- a terrible thing.                           
But I've got the means for a fling.                         
These nano-implanties,                                      
Just drop in your panties                                   
And shortly you'll feel a small zing.                       
                                                            
65518 SUBSTITUTES                    H Welchel                



We'll have cyber clit-cock connect                          
That runs on when we both are erect.                        
As I rub my tip,                                            
Your clit feels the grip                                    
Of five tiny fingers,  Purr-fect.                           
                                                            
65519 SUBSTITUTES                    H Welchel                



They'll build you a nano-scale net                          
Of neural transducers all set                               
To transpond with mine.                                     
They'll live in your spine;                                 
From waist-down strange feelings we'll get.                 
                                                            
65520 SUBSTITUTES                    H Welchel                



When Jed screwed a horse made of plastic,                   
The ranch hands exclaimed, "Ain't that drastic?             
With the real thing in sight                                
And the cows free all night?"                               
"But these mares won't run, they're fantastic!"             
                                                            
65521 SUBSTITUTES                    Actaeon                  



My friends, if from sex you're refraining,                  
The vibrators and dildoes are gaining.                      
Though computers we master,                                 
The machines can fuck faster,                               
And we spend our whole lives in retraining.                 
                                                            
65522 SUBSTITUTES                    Albin Chaplin 3024  G2195



It appears the Machine Age was gaining                      
On the whores of a madam named Blaining.                    
The machines could fuck faster                              
And new tricks did they master,                             
So the whores were sent out for retraining.                 
                                                            
65523 SUBSTITUTES                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1527



There was a young man from Biloxi                           
Who did all his screwing by proxy.                          
His girlfriend, how sad,                                    
Was equally bad,                                            
She got hers by douching with Moxie.                        
                                                            
65524 SUBSTITUTES                                        G2086



The sex-toy we tried was a hooter;                          
Its gender, they tell me, was neuter.                       
And you'll get quite a laugh                                
If you stick in your staff.                                 
It tickles the spunk from your shooter.                     
                                                            
65525 SUBSTITUTES                    Limericks Naughty & Gay  



A girl with high morals, Miss Ewing,                        
Said sex would not be her undoing.                          
She felt good when she sneezed                              
And it left her so pleased,                                 
That she used it in place of a screwing.                    
                                                            
65526 SUBSTITUTES                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1853



Why not make love to a machine?                             
The best sex substitute ever seen.                          
Users say that it's great.                                  
Send $10.98                                                 
To Novelties, Box 10, Racine.                               
                                                            
65527 SUBSTITUTES                    A. N. Wilkins       P8703



Doll manufacturers I'm urgin';                              
Their profits most surely would burgeon.                    
Much cash they'd be takin'                                  
From vicars by makin'                                       
Some sex-dolls of Mary the Virgin.                          
                                                            
65528 SUBSTITUTES                    Tiddy Ogg                



And Catholic priests?  They could toy                       
All week with a rubber-doll boy;                            
Though God only knows if                                    
They'd go for a Joseph                                      
Or Jesus for ultimate joy!                                  
                                                            
65529 SUBSTITUTES                    Peter Wilkins            



I got a reply to my rhymin',                                
From Rubberoid manager, Simon.                              
"It sounds good to me,                                      
But problems I see                                          
To make a renewable hymen."                                 
                                                            
65530 SUBSTITUTES                    Tiddy Ogg                



Are you elderly, sex-starved or lonely?                     
We can help you, Just write "Tone Me."                      
At Gateshead-on-tyne                                        
We stock every line                                         
Of sex aid--best quality only.                              
                                                            
65531 SUBSTITUTES                                        G0110



Long ago, some depraved good-old-boys                       
Feeling kinky, praised wind-up sex toys.                    
"You need strong hands to wind 'em;                         
Then pause 'fore you grind 'em;                             
Snapped mainsprings have made guys lose poise!"             
                                                            
65532 SUBSTITUTES                    Allen Wolverton          



I have one of those toys in a drawer                        
To play with, behind a closed door.                         
I just use it only                                          
When I'm feeling lonely                                     
And in need of a little "amour".                            
                                                            
65533 SUBSTITUTES                    Jeanie                   



I fantasize, tugging my pride;                              
A live one's much better astride;                           
But if someone should knock                                 
On the door, say, ad hoc,                                   
A boy-toy is harder to hide!                                
                                                            
65534 SUBSTITUTES                    Allen Wolverton          



A serious young fellow of Lerdes                            
Concluded that talk was for birds;                          
For no word will replace                                    
What the eye can embrace,                                   
And a picture's worth one thousand words.                   
                                                            
65535 SUBSTITUTES                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2168



Pedantic Professor MacNeal                                  
A learned remark did reveal --                              
Although pictures do please,                                
Yet one thousand of these                                   
Will not match what one gets from a feel.                   
                                                            
65536 SUBSTITUTES                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2169



However a fellow named Chase                                
Remarked that though feels have their place,                
His thinking reveals                                        
It takes one thousand feels,                                
Just to equal a fucking embrace.                            
                                                            
65537 SUBSTITUTES                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2170



The inventor bent down in a crouch                          
And said (holding his testicle pouch)                       
"I forgot that my lawn                                      
Mowing robot called Dawn                                    
Had those spring-loaded pussy-flaps. Ouch!"                 
                                                            
65538 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



A little old man from Rangoon                               
Kept coming in bed much too soon.                           
It always caused strife                                     
'Tween him and his wife.                                    
"You might as well screw a balloon!"                        
                                                            
65539 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Marlene Lewis            



One night by the light of the moon,                         
He vanished, despite the monsoon.                           
He came back with an ape                                    
With a bum like a grape,                                    
"Oh sorry!  Did you say BALLOON?"                           
                                                            
65540 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Indiana Millwart         



Three little old men from St. Paul                          
Had weiners exceedingly small.                              
I'd not know what to say                                    
When they asked me one day,                                 
"Can we borrow your Barbie Doll?"                           
                                                            
65541 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Marlene Lewis            



The doll had a lecherous yen,                               
Unfullfilled by her honeykins when                          
He hadn't the mass                                          
To please the young lass;                                   
An issue beyond Barbies ken.                                
                                                            
65542 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Hugh Clary               



A plant down in North Carolina                              
Makes a pink plastic bird's-nest vagina.                    
It fits worn out trulls,                                    
Fairies, geese, and sea gulls,                              
And they use them for soup in red China.                    
                                                            
65543 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Grand Prix Lim  360 G2175



The prick of a fellow named Chase                           
Got hard while his girl friend said Grace.                  
So he tried for a fuck,                                     
But got stuck in the duck                                   
And blew stuffing all over the place.                       
                                                            
65544 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1840



Roto-Rooter man Mose                                        
Thought he'd hook up his dick to the hose.                  
But the switch was on muck                                  
Instead of on suck,                                         
The shit blew clear out through his nose.                   
                                                            
65545 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Joe Long                 



I passed out quite early last night;                        
I woke up with such a big fright.                           
I looked down in shock,                                     
For there, on my cock,                                      
Was Sandy, with lips wrapped on tight.                      
                                                            
65546 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Lightbulb                



Now Sandy's (for those who don't know)                      
A partner who'll never say no.                              
She'll "quench my thirst"                                   
If I blow her first.                                        
Ask Sandy, my sythetic ho'.                                 
                                                            
65547 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Lightbulb                



For those of you who think I'm sick,                        
Go buy one, you can take your pick                          
From Mandy or Claire,                                       
But please do beware:                                       
She'll blow if you give her a prick.                        
                                                            
65548 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Lightbulb                



I've never as yet had a grind                               
With a blow-up type doll of that kind;                      
For there's naught to compare,                              
Dear, with your golden hair                                 
And your cute and curvaceous behind.                        
                                                            
65549 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



There was a cunt painter, Geraint,                          
Who pondered his paint bucket quaint.                       
Then he said, "I declare                                    
That the cunts came from there."                            
So he blew in his bucket of paint.                          
                                                            
65550 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1859



Intrepid inventor Von Gluck                                 
Proceeded with skill and great pluck                        
To make females ersatz                                      
With replaceable twats                                      
That were cheaper and easy to fuck.                         
                                                            
65551 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1914



The girlfriend of Mike from Vancouver                       
Was worried his mum wouldn't approve her.                   
So she offed with a Yank                                    
Leaving poor Mike to wank,                                  
And to comfort himself with a Hoover.                       
                                                            
65552 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Par Svensson             



I know it sounds lewd and obscene,                          
But I'm in love with my washing machine.                    
When she cycles to rinse,                                   
I feel like a prince;                                       
And my dick has a soft, Downy sheen.                        
                                                            
65553 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Anon                     



There was a young lady of Guelph                            
Who would daily assemble herself:                           
Rubber tits, a glass eye,                                   
A blonde wig all awry,                                      
And her cunt which she kept on the shelf.                   
                                                            
65554 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin 3024  G2139



A fortune awaits the bold man                               
Who knows how this business to plan:                        
He will step out in front                                   
With a foam rubber cunt,                                    
Which will sell in a vacuum-sealed can.                     
                                                            
65555 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1277



There once was a man from Schenectady                       
Whose urges were strangly directed. He                      
Once screwed a toy bear                                     
Which had lost all his hair:                                
An action which utterly wrecked Teddy!                      
                                                            
65556 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           CeeJay                   



An affectionate young farmer whose tractor                  
Became his libido extractor,                                
Climbed onto her block                                      
And shoved in his cock,                                     
And fucked her so hard that he cracked her.                 
                                                            
65557 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Vaughn Fritts            



There was a young fellow named Bert                         
Whose wife wore her bedclothes to flirt.                    
So it turned out one day                                    
When his wife was away,                                     
He successfully fucked her nightshirt.                      
                                                            
65558 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1837



In a whorehouse in central Rangoon,                         
The harlots were slimy by noon.                             
One man who was slick                                       
Got a much better kick                                      
By fucking the half-filled spittoon.                        
                                                            
65559 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-2922



Ein inventor fur Telefunken,                                
Who vas alles mit schnappes getrunken,                      
Assembled en Wien                                           
Ein gefucken machine,                                       
Dat macht his ganz wiener gershrunken.                      
                                                            
65560 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           J. Beauregard Pepys P8211



The man from Racine now has found                           
His updated machine of renown,                              
With computerized chips.                                    
Now the customer flips;                                     
When his pecker goes up, it goes down.                      
                                                            
65561 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Robin K. Willoughby P8604



There once was a man from Vancouver,                        
Who tried to get head from a Hoover.                        
He kicked up the speed,                                     
And started to bleed --                                     
And that was the end of his tuber.                          
                                                            
65562 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           KRBM                T9712



There once was a Jew from New York,                         
Who fashioned a cunt out of pork.                           
He said, "I can't eat it,                                   
But I can't hardly beat it                                  
For greasing the end of my dork."                           
                                                            
65563 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



It seems that we need a new axiom                           
With guys having sex with a vacuum.                         
If your Hoover you're lusting,                              
It's not for nut busting,                                   
'Tis a vortex - 'twill eat 'em - then sack 'em!             
                                                            
65564 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



When John saw his girl, Miss O'Dare,                        
Remove her fake ass, tits and hair,                         
He went into a shock                                        
As he pulled out his cock                                   
And he fucked all the stuff in the chair.                   
                                                            
65565 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0740



On the Sabbath, while feeling quite mellow,                 
The Christian made a snatch out of Jello.                   
He used lime and strawberry                                 
But he left out the cherry;                                 
He was not an adventurous fellow.                           
                                                            
65566 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Jim Weaver Collection    



Lady Dalrymple's gardener's free,                           
Since her ladyship's passing, still he                      
Claims soreness of penis;                                   
The reason thus seen is                                     
That one hole in the old oaken tree.                        
                                                            
65567 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Ulla                     



Said Scrunch, "Well I simply refuse                         
To pay whores good money for screws.                        
I go more for knotholes                                     
Than twenty-buck twatholes,                                 
And spend what I save on bad booze.                         
                                                            
65568 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                               G2196



A lonely old fellow named Spence                            
Had an orgasm highly intense,                               
When he thrusted his pole                                   
In the fur-covered hole                                     
Of a large, rubber doll that he rents.                      
                                                            
65569 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Cap'n Bean               



A dim witted old man from Vancouver                         
Once tried to have sex with a Hoover.                       
He lost all of his pride                                    
To the vacuum inside,                                       
And now he's not much of a lo(o)ver.                        
                                                            
65570 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Alex Haydon         P0402



I know all the ladies will scoff                            
At this alternative to a good boff.                         
There are love dolls so pretty                              
With a switch on each titty:                                
One turns her on and one's off.                             
                                                            
65571 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Dirruk                   



There once was a fellow named Dieter,                       
Who wished his sex life to be sweeter.                      
So he fashioned a whore                                     
Out of scrap wood and straw,                                
From a plan he once saw on 'Blue Peter'.                    
                                                            
65572 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Ben                      



The finished design ain't fantastic.                        
He should have used sticky-back plastic                     
And old cardboard tubes                                     
And fashioned her boobs                                     
From rubber and knicker elastic.                            
                                                            
65573 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Tiddy                    



Said the sculptor who carved in Belgrade,                   
As he fucked with the statue he made,                       
"Though at times I may garble,                              
I have not lost my marble,                                  
I've just fallen in love with my trade.                     
                                                            
65574 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin            



One button on my masturbator                                
Allows you to come-off much later.                          
Supposing you pass                                          
A cute little ass,                                          
The button...and no need to date her.                       
                                                            
65575 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Irving Superior     P9304



A fat old inventor, McCaudle,                               
Complained: "The girls fiddle and dawdle."                  
So he hid in his lab                                        
Where he hoisted his flab                                   
Aboard a mechanical model.                                  
                                                            
65576 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                               G2163



An old engineer named McCawdel                              
Said women would fiddle and dawdle.                         
So two days out of three                                    
In his lab he would be,                                     
Where he screwed a mechanical model.                        
                                                            
65577 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1883



An inventor of genius named Moore,                          
Made himself a mechanical whore.                            
But he failed when he wooed her;                            
She unscrewed as he screwed her,                            
And her clit clattered onto the floor.                      
                                                            
65578 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



To an elegant lad of Duluth,                                
The vagina was hot and uncouth.                             
So he took to his bed                                       
Mush melons instead,                                        
And so spent the best part of his youth.                    
                                                            
65579 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Keith MacMillan     A066B



There was an inventor named Perkin                          
Who perfected a mechanized merkin:                          
Wholly inflatable,          (To be perfectly blunt,)        
With vagina dilatable,      (It don't beat a cunt, But...)  
It sure as hell beats all this jerkin'!                     
                                                            
65580 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                               G2182



There was a young farm boy named Mort,                      
And Mort was the curious sort.                              
He inserted his thing                                       
In a milking machine,                                       
Not knowing 'twas set for a quart.                          
                                                            
65581 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



Appliances, cupboards, and tables                           
Are entities whereupon fables                               
Of love have their start,                                   
But love's work of art                                      
Is mastered with skills in the stables.                     
                                                            
65582 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Travis Brasell           



It's down on the farm I have been;                          
I'm loving the thing I have seen.                           
And with some good luck,                                    
I'll get a good fuck                                        
From the shiny new milking machine.                         
                                                            
65583 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Archie                   



Because of its suction design,                              
That milking machine for my kine                            
Will meet the demand                                        
Of guys who will stand                                      
Like Archie, for days in a line.                            
                                                            
65584 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Travis Brasell           



The head of the hospital, jocular,                          
Was approached by a harlot, monocular.                      
He rejected as crass                                        
Her proposal for ass,                                       
Till she offered him intercourse ocular.                    
                                                            
65585 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin 3024  P9704



Inventive, ingenious young Clyde                            
Perfected a Mechanical Bride;                               
Without fear or compunctions                                
It performed all sex functions,                             
While a permanent virgin besides.                           
                                                            
65586 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin 3024  G2107



Poor Peter a few bucks would spend,                         
To purchase FACSIMILE friend,                               
Who never was spastic                                       
And though made of plastic,                                 
Could satisfy him in the end.                               
                                                            
65587 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Chris Papa               



A man of persuasion, monastic,                              
Has a sex life, unreal and fantastic.                       
Though he kept himself chaste                               
Cultivating a taste                                         
For inflatable ladies of plastic.                           
                                                            
65588 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Frank Chethik       P8703



My mailing list, mostly monastic,                           
A female of inflated plastic                                
Whose bosom swells swell                                    
But what makes her sell,                                    
A pelvis of flexing elastic.                                
                                                            
65589 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Irving Superior     P8705



A Mad Scientist built, I recall,                            
A computerized foam-rubber doll;                            
Actuators pnuematic                                         
Sometimes got erratic;                                      
Guys found they could not uninstall!                        
                                                            
65590 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Allen Wolverton          



Deeply placed by this love-machine's maker,                 
Is a button for joy -- an earth-shaker;                     
If you're this long or bigger,                              
You'll certainly trigger                                    
Her spring-loaded orgasm faker!                             
                                                            
65591 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Allen Wolverton          



Now Jed was an old country bumpkin,                         
Who, lacking a girl, took a pumpkin.                        
He's scoop out a hole,                                      
Just right for his pole,                                    
And give that old pumpkin a humpkin.                        
                                                            
65592 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old madam distressed                           
From business depressed like the rest.                      
It was sad and pathetic,                                    
Till he used girls sythetic,                                
With their pussies replaced on request.                     
                                                            
65593 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1847



A horny young man from the shore,                           
Worked as a clerk in the store.                             
As he fucked a ripe melon,                                  
The cops called him felon.                                  
And "Why can't I come back for more."                       
                                                            
65594 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Rio                      



A rubber doll's all very well                               
When alone in the night with no belle.                      
But it's not quite the same                                 
When she won't scream your name,                            
Or make known her joy with a yell.                          
                                                            
65595 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           C M                      



But let us look on the bright side;                         
You get no remarks that are snide,                          
Like "Over already?"                                        
Or "I'll say when ready!"                                   
Or "Hey Romeo, sure it's inside?"                           
                                                            
65596 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Tutta Gioia              



There are other advantages, dear,                           
She won't run around, never fear --                         
And dolls such as these                                     
Won't give you a disease --'                                
Just don't nibble too hard on her ear!                      
                                                            
65597 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Kaylin Brandon           



But there's nowhere safe to poke her,                       
And if it should be you're a smoker,                        
She may go POP!                                             
When you light up,                                          
But it's true that you'll never provoke her.                
                                                            
65598 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Karen                    



An affluent man we'll call Gates                            
Once researched mechanical dates.                           
But now some blonde cootcher                                
Has ruined my future.                                       
The cyber-sex dolls will be late.                           
                                                            
65599 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



Concerning those dolls made of plastic,                     
Do they come in a guise that's scholastic?                  
A mistress with cane                                        
To better my brain,                                         
And a syllabus really quite drastic?                        
                                                            
65600 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           C M                      



There was an old pervert named Jack                         
Who had a thing for his Shop-Vac.                           
When he stuck in his knob                                   
For his daily blow job,                                     
It sucked off his dick for a snack.                         
                                                            
65601 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Hungarian                



A lascivious scientist called Rex                           
Built a SIMULACRUM female for sex,                          
But this female was virtual:                                
Just lift up her skirt you'll                               
Find just pixels fill up her spandex.                       
                                                            
65602 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Eva Amata                



A frustrated bachelor in Britain                            
Met a virgin -- was thoroughly smitten.                     
She promised next day                                       
With her pussy he could play;                               
What she meant was her six week old kitten.                 
                                                            
65603 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



What about dolls made of plastic?                           
Their smell when brand new is fantastic.                    
The ones that you blow                                      
Can be tied in a bow,                                       
Which is good if your willy's elastic.                      
                                                            
65604 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Jayne                    



There once was a man from Boothbay                          
Who had sex in unusual ways.                                
He would stick it in a tire                                 
And light it on fire;                                       
His orgasm would smoulder all day.                          
                                                            
65605 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Jeffrey Beeton           



A statue of stone that was nuder                            
Caught the eye of the noble King Tudor.                     
It looked like a whore of his                               
But was lacking an orifice,                                 
So he drilled out a hole and he screwed her.                
                                                            
65606 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-0739



While you've got Bess in the stall                          
For milking, why don't you install                          
An enema hose                                               
That sucks but not blows?                                   
This should allay your shortfall.                           
                                                            
65607 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



There was a young chappie named Freddie,                    
Who liked to have sex with his teddy.                       
Poor teddy's fluff                                          
Was all covered with stuff,                                 
But it's true they are still going steady.                  
                                                            
65608 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Prof                     



Young Freddie stopped screwing his bear                     
As the old thing was starting to wear.                      
Many years of hard puffing                                  
And much overstuffing                                       
Was more than the poor bear could bear.                     
                                                            
65609 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           C M                      



After years of screwing the bear,                           
Its front started in showing wear.                          
Fred assessed damage wrought,                               
Put the bear on the cot,                                    
And went fucking the bear's derriere.                       
                                                            
65610 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Prof                     



Freddie's bear, whose surname was Ursus,                    
Shouted out some barefaced bear curses.                     
Then he started to cough;                                   
Both bollocks fell off.                                     
(Are there any more ursuline verses?)                       
                                                            
65611 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Prof                     



On a crankshaft a madam named Frank                         
Tied cunts to each rod for a prank.                         
Then she lined up the men                                   
Who to fuck had a yen,                                      
And she fucked them by turning a crank.                     
                                                            
65612 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1855



I came up with a clever invention,                          
Because of scholastic intention:                            
A urinal trough                                             
That gets a man off;                                        
It's been stopped by the school's intervention.             
                                                            
65613 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Aussie Owl               



There once was a man named Schlagel;                        
Who got desperate, had sex with a Bagel.                    
He thought, "It might please,                               
If I add lox and cream cheese,                              
And wank while I read the Philly's label."                  
                                                            
65614 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



A horny young fellow named Barm                             
Was miffed by his date who lacked charm.                    
He was more than annoyed                                    
By her crotch null and void,                                
So he buggered the pit in her arm.                          
                                                            
65615 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1832



His father, denied intercourse,                             
Eyed his young son's hobby-horse.                           
He soon got more splintery --                               
His wife got more wintery --                                
His son sued them both for divorce.                         
                                                            
65616 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Tutta Gioia              



While shopping a fellow named Gore,                         
Saw manikins dressed in a store.                            
Their attire was improper                                   
Which aroused the old shopper,                              
So he fucked three or four on the floor.                    
                                                            
65617 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1863



I dated a woman named Mabel                                 
Whose chest was as flat as a table.                         
Her puss was too loose,                                     
So I had to schuss                                          
My load in her really deep navel.                           
                                                            
65618 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Possum             TP9802



Dirty Old Bob from Vancouver                                
Had a very special manuever.                                
If he didn't get fucked,                                    
He made sure he got sucked,                                 
By flicking the switch on his Hoover.                       
                                                            
65619 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Peter Stowmarket         



Inventive ideas were sporadic                               
For Scientist Gus, the sex addict.                          
He keenly devised                                           
And installed 'twixt the thighs                             
Of his wife, a taut new vulva-matic.                        
                                                            
65620 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



In the dark a young fellow named River,                     
A fuck to his wife did deliver.                             
But after he came,                                          
He said it's the same                                       
As fucking a piece of warm liver.                           
                                                            
65621 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE           Albin Chaplin   3024-1894



He's gone.  I'll examine the bole.                          
Yes, here is that useful knot hole,                         
At just the right height.                                   
I think that I might                                        
Insert into that now, my pole.                              
                                                            
65622 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



You think this manoeuvre is trash?                          
But think lads, it costs you no cash;                       
A woodie in wood,                                           
Can be pretty good,                                         
While dreaming about Lesley Ashe.                           
                                                            
65623 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE                                    



There was a young pervert from Coll,                        
Who kept an inflatable doll.                                
When he wanted to grind her,                                
He straddled behind her,                                    
And rammed it home, bollocks and all.                       
                                                            
65624 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



A homely man named Mr. Tate                                 
All the time brags he's found a new mate.                   
Others tease him to death,                                  
Saying "Just save your breath --                            
You'll need it to blow up your date!"                       
                                                            
65625 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



Then off to town went Mr. Tate;                             
With that there date he did inflate.                        
She did not talk much,                                      
And she sure had such                                       
A lot of food left on her plate.                            
                                                            
65626 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



My practical experience is small;                           
I practically haven't any at all.                           
I have read a great deal,                                   
On which body parts to feel.                                
But have only tried my blow-up doll.                        
                                                            
65627 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



Time to get me a life                                       
And elude this everyday strife.                             
My destiny calls --                                         
So I'll get up the balls                                    
To divorce my inflatable wife!                              
                                                            
65628 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Writerman                



His habits were worse than debatable;                       
His temper was horrid and hate-able.                        
One love had this man:                                      
His wife, Mary Ann;                                         
And she was both dumb and inflatable.                       
                                                            
65629 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Beelzebub                



Alone now with Wendy from Wembley;                          
I'm feeling excitedly trembly;                              
All fingers and thumbs                                      
I admit, for she comes                                      
In a flat-pack for easy assembly.                           
                                                            
65630 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Peter Wilkins            



My sanity may be debatable,                                 
And some may think me undatable.                            
It could be I'm crazy,                                      
And a little bit lazy,                                      
But I prefer my women inflatable!                           
                                                            
65631 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Wildman                  



There once was a man from Moscow,                           
Who used to own sheep and a sow,                            
But when he went to war,                                    
He liked legs of four,                                      
So he bought an inflatable cow!                             
                                                            
65632 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Jim Weaver Collection    



It's incomprehensible how                                   
It got in my attic, I vow;                                  
For looking as daft as                                      
A brush in the rafters,                                     
I found an inflatable cow!                                  
                                                            
65633 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Peter Wilkins            



Now Peter, you've gone to excess,                           
In order the girls to impress.                              
But a blow up cow doll,                                     
As a sex toy!  That's droll.                                
Please send the suppliers address.                          
                                                            
65634 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Tiddy Ogg                



A goofy guy, name of Pierre,                                
Filled his doll with way too much air.                      
It should be noted                                          
That when she exploded,                                     
It ended their sleazy affair.                               
                                                            
65635 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Don Shaw           TP9802



A guy who went down to the mall --                          
Bought a sex toy (inflatable doll).                         
Along came a cop;                                           
Stuck a pin in her -- POP!                                  
And then said, "You're busted!"  Thats all.                 
                                                            
65636 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Jim Weaver Collection    



"Lights. Camera. Action!"  Oh no!                           
Bob's been caught en flagrante with Flo,                    
His inflatable doll,                                        
But he's now on a roll,                                     
And can't stop; he can't even go slow.                      
                                                            
65637 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



There once was a man named Nate,                            
Who couldn't manage a hot date.                             
So he wangled the bucks,                                    
For inflatable fucks,                                       
And purchased a girl in a crate.                            
                                                            
65638 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Matt King                



Have you met my inflatable wife?                            
She's truly the love of my life!                            
She fucks like a pup                                        
If you keep her pumped up,                                  
And remind her that you've got a knife.                     
                                                            
65639 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Writerman                



An inflatable woman is great,                               
No worry of babies or AIDs.                                 
If you get too elated,                                      
And she gets deflated,                                      
You can patch things up with duct tape!                     
                                                            
65640 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Wildman                  



There once was a girl named Kate;                           
Some said she was the perfect date.                         
Unrolled on the table,                                      
It read on her label,                                       
For a good time, inflate and fellate.                       
                                                            
65641 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Jim Weaver Collection    



Although not a month yet, I know;                           
My libido's churning below.                                 
I could just get handy                                      
And blow up doll Sandy,                                     
Or get a cheap, stick figured ho'.                          
                                                            
65642 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



Consider the humiliation                                    
Of teachers of sex education,                               
When requested to speak,                                    
Must display their technique,                               
With some doll that requires inflation.                     
                                                            
65643 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Lims For Year - 01       



The newest of blow-up doll mannikins                        
Have a Vac-U-Jack pump in their fannikins;                  
You just grease fore and aft                                
To add size to your shaft,                                  
Or other assorted shenannikins.                             
                                                            
65644 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



At a sex shop in Colchester, Lionel                         
Bought a blow-up doll make of vinyl.                        
But she soon suffered wear,                                 
Which he had to repair,                                     
And the part he repaired was vaginal.                       
                                                            
65645 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE Paul Westwood       P9607



I'll tell you a story quite droll,                          
Of a young necrophiliac, Cole.                              
Though too moral to kill,                                   
He still got his thrill,                                    
Having sex with a flat blow-up doll.                        
                                                            
65646 SUBSTITUTES - FEMALE - INFLATE                          



There was a young lady named Rose,                          
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,                         
And parade about, squirting,                                
And spouting and spurting,                                  
Pretending she pissed like her beaux.                       
                                                            
65647 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1331



She was seen by her cousin named Anne,                      
Who improved the original plan.                             
Said she, "My dear Rose,                                    
In this lowly old hose,                                     
Are all the best parts of a man."                           
                                                            
65648 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1332



So avoiding the crude and sadistic,                         
She frigged in a manner artistic.                           
At the height of her pleasure                               
She turned up the pressure,                                 
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"                  
                                                            
65649 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1333



They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,                         
And her crony, the alderman's wife.                         
And they found it so pleasing,                              
And tickling and teasing,                                   
They washed men right out of their life.                    
                                                            
65650 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1334



It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,                      
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!                    
Here's double the fun,                                      
And you get three in one--                                  
A ducking, a douche, and a diddle."                         
                                                            
65651 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1335



It was tried by the dancer, DiBasle,                        
Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle.                      
She said, "I admit                                          
It's an elegant fit,                                        
But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole."               
                                                            
65652 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1336



It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,                      
And passed on by her to her daughter,                       
Who said, "With a leman                                     
You're fearful of semen,                                    
But a fuck's as effective with water."                      
(leman - lover)                                             
65653 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1337



Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,                        
Who invented the Lonely-Maid Corset,                        
"I thought all vicarious                                    
Fucking precarious.                                         
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it."                    
                                                            
65654 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1338



Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique,                    
You could purchase (complet avec talic,                     
Pour soixante francs cinq)                                  
A short hose and tank,                                      
And they called it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique.                  
                                                            
65655 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 L1339



Artificial insemination                                     
Some say will replace fornication;                          
But perish the day                                          
When the old-fashioned way                                  
Can't supply kids enough for the nation!                    
                                                            
65656 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Grand Prix Lim  670 G1671



Nymphomaniacal Anna                                         
In the dark tried to stuff a banana!                        
But she found, with distress                                
(And considerable mess),                                    
She was using a tube of Ipana!                              
(Ipana - brand of toothpaste)                               
65657 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Vassar W. Smith     P9607



An equestrian boyfriend of Anna                             
Drove her up to his ranch in Montana,                       
Where she went to the shed                                  
And enjoyed "Mr. Ed"...                                     
(I think that she's now in Nirvana!)                        
                                                            
65658 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Vassar W. Smith     P9607



On her stone in the burial ground                           
Was inscribed this small truth, profound:                   
"She have made it past twenty                               
And enjoyed life a-plenty,                                  
If she'd only quit horsing around!"                         
                                                            
65659 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Vassar W. Smith     P9607



He's got semi-cylindrical toys.                             
Which can emulate apes, men or boys;                        
And he says, with some wit,                                 
"Here's my  personal fit;                                   
I don't mind if you make lots of noise!"                    
                                                            
65660 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                      



"I'm accustomed", said aging Miss Tudor,                    
To the burgular who finally screwed her,                    
"To carrots and candles                                     
And john-plunger handles,                                   
So you, sir, are just an intruder."                         
                                                            
65661 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                      



A young couple loved to pitch woo                           
In an Indian birch-bark canoe.                              
At the height of one straddle,                              
He inserted his paddle,                                     
And she cried, "It feels better than you!"                  
                                                            
65662 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Jim Weaver Collection    



A lollipop maker named Hans                                 
Fulfilled every young lady's wants.                         
He made candy so slick                                      
With a head red and thick,                                  
And he flavored it just like a schwantz.                    
                                                            
65663 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Albin Chaplin   3024-0824



A young nymphomaniac named Brock                            
Devised something she called Instant Jock.                  
With its power so mighty,                                   
It singed off her nightie,                                  
And turned her tits green from the shock!                   
                                                            
65664 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Grand Prix Lim  044 G2093



For men who no more have erects,                            
The implant inflates them for sex.                          
Tied left leg or right                                      
Or under belt tight,                                        
Or pointing at w(h)om(b) he selects.                        
                                                            
65665 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Irving Superior     P8705



Her husband's an old pussy paster,                          
But now he refuses to taste her.                            
Her wrinkled twat smells                                    
Much more than high hell,                                   
Now she uses a large turkey baster.                         
                                                            
65666 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Bawdy Bard               



There was an old maid named McCall,                         
Who liked her men handsome and tall.                        
She could even make do                                      
With a finger or two,                                       
Or a newel post out in the hall.                            
(newel post - bottom large post of a bannister)             
65667 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 G2162



There was a young man bade defiance                         
To the vaunted advances of science.                         
His manhood he'd lost                                       
Because of whore frost.                                     
So he fucked with a plastic appliance.                      
                                                            
65668 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Albin Chaplin 3024  G2113



A willing young girl in Marin                               
Viewed her drunken friend's cock with chagrin.              
Said she, "That much booze                                  
Cancels out any screws.                                     
Would you please poke your forefinger in."                  
                                                            
65669 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 G0127



The puppeteer's helper, Miss Tuppet,                        
Was madly in love with a puppet.                            
So she said, "Puppeteer,                                    
Can you pull some strings dear,                             
And instruct my young puppet to up it?"                     
                                                            
65670 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Albin Chaplin   3024-1911



There was a young nympho called Jean                        
Who invented a screwing machine.                            
As she tested its stroke,                                   
A piston ring broke,                                        
And it rammed the end up through her spleen.                
                                                            
65671 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Anon                     



Said an angry young bride down in Dover:                    
"Now your minuteman spasm is over!                          
Well, I'm still in heat,                                    
So go down to the street,                                   
And bring me some big guy--or Rover.                        
                                                            
65672 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Grand Prix Lim  765 G0566



I know a young lady called Melly                            
Who spent most her time watching telly.                     
Sometimes she was seen                                      
Using the washing machine                                   
Orgasmicly bumping her belly.                               
(must have been on spin cycle - McW)                        
65673 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             P Copeman                



Farewell to the dear days of Genesis.                       
We do these things now by synthesis.                        
And who would not rather                                    
Have a test tube for father,                                
That a homo in loco parenthesis.                            
                                                            
65674 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Conrad Aiken             



A candid young lady named Tudor                             
Remarked to the chap who'd just screwed her,                
"After dildoes, vibrators,                                  
And cunt exhilarators,                                      
The real thing feels like an intruder."                     
                                                            
65675 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 G2223



An itchy-crotched dolly of Ryde,                            
Finds it terribly hard to decide                            
Between using a candle,                                     
And old bicycle handle,                                     
Or a man with a twenty-inch clyde.                          
                                                            
65676 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                 G2198



A lady from down Amarillo                                   
Had sex with a rusty old Brillo.                            
She ruined her clit                                         
And can't even sit,                                         
Unless she is using a pillow.                               
                                                            
65677 SUBSTITUTES - MALE             Bob Leclerc              



The doll it looks just like Wayne Newton!                   
It doesn't send the juices shootin'                         
Round my body parts,                                        
Or else touching's an art.                                  
Do I need lessons?  Darn tootin'!!                          
                                                            
65678 SUBSTITUTES - MALE                                      



Old Grendel, a kind of afreet,                              
Slaughtered warriors each day for his meat.                 
Though he relished the brains                               
And the nuts of the Danes,                                  
He ate all but the hands and the feet.                      
(afreet - evil monster or djinn in Arab mythology)          
65679 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            A. N. Wilkins       P8710



There once was a fellow named Blake;                        
Of trapezohedrons he spake;                                 
But his soul was possessed.                                 
The moral: "Don't mess                                      
With Azathoth, for goodness sake!"                          
                                                            
65680 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Daniel Snyder            



Of all the fierce feminine wails,                           
The worst, the dread BANSHEE entails.                       
A howl fraught with fears,                                  
So stuff both your ears,                                    
'Tis sound that is fatal to males.                          
                                                            
65681 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Chris Papa               



When the drunk hears wails of the BANSHEE,                  
Thinking it someone he might fanshee,                       
He'd better stop short                                      
For another snort;                                          
Her interest's only necromanshee.                           
                                                            
65682 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Daniel Ford              



I've heard of that old banshee cry,                         
But never knew where, when, or why.                         
Now I am aware                                              
It may cause a scare,                                       
Announcing that soon, one will die.                         
                                                            
65683 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Maggie                   



Although I respect your profession,                         
I have a contrary impression.                               
The girl is not stricken                                    
By a lack of dickin',                                       
But rather demonic possession.                              
                                                            
65684 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            H WHELCHEL               



Religion that's fat, long and wide,                         
No doubt, is what she needs inside.                         
I propose mine --                                           
I know it's divine,                                         
When Great God Almighty, is cried!                          
                                                            
65685 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            H WHELCHEL               



So write her a Holy-Roll script,                            
Her catacombs then I may rip.                               
Through sacred transgression,                               
I'll take her confession,                                   
Then witness her tremble and drip.                          
                                                            
65686 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            H WHELCHEL               



And when she is spastically jointed,                        
And gushing from where I just pointed,                      
I'll libate my phallus                                      
With wine from a chalice,                                   
Proclaiming her fully annointed.                            
                                                            
65687 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            H WHELCHEL               



His future health now depends                               
On how this relationship ends.                              
It's all kind of scary,                                     
And things could get hairy,                                 
'Cause demons are his ghoul's best friends.                 
                                                            
65688 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Marlene Lewis            



When the rainbow appeared high in the sky,                  
Natives bowed, and gave a loud cry.                         
The chief said with a moan,                                 
(Heard the news on the phone.)                              
Go home!  A disaster is nigh!                               
                                                            
65689 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Arthur Pattaffy          



Arabian spirits, some claim,                                
Gamble recklessly and without shame                         
For incredible stakes                                       
Like dissolute rakes.                                       
Djinn rummy, of course, is their game.                      
                                                            
65690 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            A. N. Wilkins       P8407



There once was a fellow named Blake;                        
Of trapezohedron he spake;                                  
But his soul got possessed.                                 
The moral?  Don't mess                                      
With evil, for goodness sake!                               
                                                            
65691 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Daniel Snyder            



People thought old Alhazred a loon;                         
His life ended terribly soon.                               
His quest for dark knowledge                                
Went far beyond college.                                    
He was eaten by a demon, at noon.                           
                                                            
65692 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Jim Goldfrank            



There was a young lady called Emily                         
Who was not understood by her femily.                       
She acted so rummily,                                       
The head of the fummily                                     
Had her crossed by a greyhound from Wembley.                
                                                            
65693 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL                                G1229



He feared she would breed a facsimile:                      
Bring utter disgrace on the fimily!                         
So he read her a homily                                     
In front of the fomily--                                    
And the Devil flew out of the chimily!                      
                                                            
65694 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL                                G1230



A phantasmagorical darky                                    
Was enthralled by the Ghoul Hierarchy.                      
She arranged a spectacular                                  
Just for Count Dracula,                                     
Celebrating her menarche.                                   
                                                            
65695 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL                                G2309



Under the covers in bed,                                    
Trembling with terror and dread                             
Of bumps in the night.                                      
Pray for daylight.                                          
If the ghoulies want you, you're dead!                      
                                                            
65696 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Karen                    



Let's both get down under the covers.                       
It's there, if I could have my druthers,                    
We'd hide from those ghoulies                               
('Neath the bed is for foolies)                             
And there wouldn't be room for the others!                  
                                                            
65697 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Archie                   



Those goulies, when searching to sup,                       
Are confused by a noisy lewd tup.                           
And so while they stalk,                                    
We will just talk                                           
About the first thing to come up!                           
                                                            
65698 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Archie                   



And what do you think that will be?                         
Oh Ho! Now I'm starting to see.                             
A little love bite                                          
Then another one might                                      
Be enough to confuse a ghoulie.                             
                                                            
65699 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Karen                    



Oh No! The ghoulies are back!                               
Well, we'll have a midnight snack.                          
Come under the covers;                                      
You get your druthers;                                      
Ghoulie or love bite attack?                                
                                                            
65700 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Karen                    



Forget about your witches gear,                             
It'll be off as soon as I'm near.                           
Mine is all off too,                                        
Under covers with you.                                      
I'll turn on this torch I found here!                       
                                                            
65701 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Archie                   



Those 38C's are first course;                               
I'll nibble without any force.                              
But there is no rush;                                       
I've just found your bush.                                  
It's real, not a merkin of gorse.                           
                                                            
65702 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Archie                   



No ghoulies anywhere near;                                  
If we keep this up, my dear,                                
All the night through...                                    
Oh! That ought to do.                                       
Try it again over here!                                     
                                                            
65703 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Karen                    



The ghoulies have feet made of clay;                        
(Those that have feet anyway).                              
To be sure they leave,                                      
I've a trick up my sleeve.                                  
Now let's see if that's a toupee.                           
                                                            
65704 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Karen                    



My goodness! That's not your head;                          
But it's big and its hair is all red.                       
So long and so wide,                                        
No wonder ghouls hide.                                      
Not me; I am fascinated.                                    
                                                            
65705 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Karen                    



An aspiring young demon named Mel                           
Thought his future looked perfectly swell,                  
When he heard Satan say,                                    
"We've a role you can play;                                 
Break a leg, son, and go give 'em Hell."                    
                                                            
65706 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Cybergeezer              



The Welshman Llewellyn ap Morgan                            
Mere glanced at Myfnwy the Gorgon.                          
Her beauty and grace                                        
Caused the smile on his face                                
And his petrified ossified organ.                           
                                                            
65707 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Peter Wilkins            



The Grim Reaper drives a black hearse.                      
I can't decide which is worse --                            
His hood or his gloves;                                     
Or just what he loves:                                      
On weekends, to dress like a nurse.                         
                                                            
65708 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Marlene Lewis            



A magician whose name was Pierre,                           
He ended his life on a dare;                                
His death was profound,                                     
For no body was found,                                      
He just vanished into thin air.                             
                                                            
65709 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Cap'n Bean          P0010



The Lamia got madder and madder,                            
As he squeezed her kidneys and bladder.                     
He wanted his blood,                                        
But he'd understood                                         
In the end 'twas her opponent who adder.                    
                                                            
65710 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Kitten                   



One who would mate with a snake'll                          
Have to learn to kiss cloacal.                              
If you've no time                                           
To learn such sublime                                       
Techniques, you may Lamia make ill.                         
                                                            
65711 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Daniel Ford              



The Grecian myth of the Lamia,                              
Borrowed from Mesopotamia,                                  
Caused deaths to bereave.                                   
If you also grieve,                                         
I can't believe any would blame ya.                         
                                                            
65712 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Daniel Ford              



It doesn't take too long to grasp,                          
That if you're in lamia's clasp,                            
Though breasts you may see,                                 
You'll ultimately                                           
Be finished by a fierce piece of asp.                       
                                                            
65713 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Chris Papa               



The other night while in my bed,                            
I watched 'Return of the Living Dead'.                      
The zombie-fied remains                                     
Had a feast of live brains,                                 
Taken straight from the live victims head.                  
                                                            
65714 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Nik Synytyskyy           



They will want you as their next meal;                      
Ripping you with their teeth of steel.                      
They'll feast on your flesh,                                
So trembling and fresh,                                     
And won't even bother to kill.                              
                                                            
65715 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Nik Synytyskyy           



Reeking of decaying meat,                                   
They all view you as a treat                                
For their gum-rotted bumps;                                 
No hands, just the stumps;                                  
Furious of your living heart-beat.                          
                                                            
65716 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Funny Bone               



From the pyramid when we exhume                             
A mummy, he's mute we presume.                              
But you'll know when one's coming,                          
By listening for humming;                                   
He doesn't know words, just the tomb.                       
                                                            
65717 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL                                     



Pickman used models exotic,                                 
Well-versed in matters necrotic.                            
They're burrowing still                                     
Out under Copp's Hill                                       
And all who know are psychotic.                             
                                                            
65718 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Jim Weaver Collection    



It happens when I close my eyes,                            
My brain will start telling me lies.                        
Things under the bed                                        
My ankles will shred;                                       
The monsters are all quite life-size.                       
                                                            
65719 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL                                     



Can't sleep if my back's to the room;                       
The noises scare me in the gloom.                           
I see two red eyes;                                         
I don't realize                                             
They are not the portents of doom.                          
                                                            
65720 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL                                     



(One's my clock, the other's the phone)                     
What's that rattle?  Is it from a bone?                     
A skeleton's there                                          
In my rocking chair.                                        
These beasties won't leave me alone.                        
                                                            
65721 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL                                     



There once was a young man from Fuggoth,                    
Who fell deeply in love with a sluggoth.                    
He tried to make time,                                      
But was foiled by the slime,                                
And so told the sluggoth to fuggoth.                        
                                                            
65722 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Jim Goldfrank            



A midget clairvoyant named Sarge                            
Escaped from the prison, they charge.                       
The headline I read                                         
In the newspaper said,                                      
"Be cautious!  Small medium at large!"                      
                                                            
65723 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Hugh Clary               



No answer can hope to explain                               
This weird enigmatical drain.                               
Seen only at night,                                         
It emits aa strange light,                                  
And gurgles with dreadful disdain.                          
                                                            
65724 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Beelzebub                



As she walked through the graveyard she paled               
On confronting a presence that wailed,                      
"I AM THE GRIM RAPER!"                                      
But this weird bit of vapor                                 
Proved too limp so he utterly failed.                       
                                                            
65725 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            John Miller 0154         



I knew a young woman whose dreams                           
Would stalk the night streets of Orleans,                   
Leaving trails of ichor                                     
Which confused the Vicar                                    
Who vanished with blood-curdling screams.                   
                                                            
65726 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Dave D. Rahbari          



While scrogging, they made such a lather,                   
They did not see the approaching cadaver.                   
It strangled the chick,                                     
Made a meal of his dick,                                    
The man said, "You may as well have her."                   
                                                            
65727 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Jim Weaver Collection    



A ZOMBIE from far Zanzibar,                                 
Said, "Madam, if hubby you'd bar,                           
Or otherwise vex,                                           
For illicit sex,                                            
This pin-sticking doll should go far."                      
                                                            
65728 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Chris Papa               



There once was a zombie named Ned,                          
Who hated the fact he was dead.                             
He'd wander the night                                       
Giving everyone fright,                                     
While looking around for his head.                          
                                                            
65729 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Renee Morecombe          



A moldy old zombie from Leeds,                              
Said that brains are just all that he needs.                
Whether human or cow,                                       
He's not picky on how                                       
On all sorts of cadavers he feeds.                          
                                                            
65730 SUPERNATURAL - EVIL            Snaggletoth              



Schizophrenic, I admit I am not;                            
It's species confusion I've got.                            
I think I'm a faerie,                                       
Not an elf, which is very                                   
Disturbing, when I've drunk a lot.                          
                                                            
65731 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Cheryl                   



Why'd that world-famous sleuth, Sherlock Holmes,            
Find all crimes elementary? Tomes                           
By Sir Art Conan Doyle                                      
Don't reveal what did foil                                  
Crooks -- lots of faeries and gnomes!                       
                                                            
65732 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Prof M-G            T9711



You're assuming because I'm a lass,                         
With wings and eyes green as grass,                         
That I'm missing some parts.                                
Wrong, I let smelly farts,                                  
And my twat ain't my only crevasse.                         
                                                            
65733 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



Watch out for this fairy you mock.                          
He's the baddest I know on the block.                       
With one breathe of his voodoo,                             
I swear he could make you                                   
As worthless as the sperm in your sock!                     
                                                            
65734 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES                                  



The fairies and elves used to roam                          
In an endless search for a home.                            
They all left the wood                                      
When they found that they could                             
Live in Gotham and become "metrognomes."                    
                                                            
65735 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Bill Edwards        P9111



What happens when one of them marries?                      
The report on the little folk varies.                       
But whatever you hear,                                      
There's one thing that's clear.                             
They have kids even though they are fairies.                
                                                            
65736 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         A. N. Wilkins       P8710



A funny young fairy named Flossy                            
Was sometimes unbearably bossy.                             
She'd order a gnome                                         
To clean up her home,                                       
And make everything shiny and glossy.                       
                                                            
65737 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Ananya                   



The fat little fairy went pop!                              
As she gobbled her last chocolate drop.                     
The blast blew her over                                     
The hills and the clover;                                   
She landed right back in the shop!                          
                                                            
65738 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Ananya                   



A fat little fairy called Honey                             
Would go out and spend all her money.                       
She'd buy lots of cakes                                     
And cocolate milkshakes                                     
And she'd fill up her fat little tummy.                     
                                                            
65739 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Ananya                   



Two fairies were flitting one day                           
In the meadow where they liked to play.                     
When the male made a pass                                   
At the other (a lass),                                      
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.                      
                                                            
65740 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         John Miller 0024         



There was a young fairy from Norwich,                       
Who had a great passion for porridge.                       
Her oats she would roll                                     
With her wand or a pole                                     
And put the left-overs in storage.                          
                                                            
65741 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Ananya                   



There once was a sweet little fairy                         
Whose armpits were terribly hairy.                          
She wore real long sleeves                                  
Made out of green leaves,                                   
And the caterpillars all became wary.                       
                                                            
65742 SUPERNATURAL - FAERIES         Ananya                   



Though John Milton was clearly aware                        
Of the sex life which angels all share,                     
He does not give a clue                                     
About how they screw,                                       
Nor whether they have pubic hair.                           
(Paradise Lost, VIII, 620-629)                              
65743 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        A. N. Wilkins       P8602



Undertakers in Erin have dreams                             
Of employing free banshees in teams                         
And assigning them beats                                    
In neighborhood streets                                     
To drum up more trade with their screams.                   
                                                            
65744 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        A. N. Wilkins       P8710



A family that I once knew,                                  
In their house, had a poltergeist, who                      
Was black; how'd we know?                                   
When he started to throw                                    
Things around he would yell, "Jig-a BOO!"                   
                                                            
65745 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Ochee Chornya       P8711



An earnest young lady named Soames                          
Wrote a very large book about gnomes;                       
But the tales were so tall                                  
And the sales were so small,                                
She was left with the unwanted tomes.                       
                                                            
65746 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Michael Palin            



There are two kinds of spirits, I find,                     
That have constantly troubled mankind.                      
One comes in a bottle                                       
And pulls out your throttle;                                
The other is all in your mind.                              
                                                            
65747 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Laurence Perrine    P8711



There once was a young man named Sean                       
Whose wish from a sly leprechaun,                           
To be surrounded by dough,                                  
Was his ambition, and so,                                   
In six months he was born as a fawn.                        
                                                            
65748 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Tinbender                



Small Will had an end that was tragic,                      
When Jill tried to thrill him with magic.                   
She started her spell;                                      
Will started to swell,                                      
Till he burst with a gush hemorrhagic.                      
                                                            
65749 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Annie Jay                



The maiden thought true love she'd found,                   
When a handsome young centaur came 'round.                  
But one roll in the hay                                     
And he trotted away;                                        
He was just horsing around.                                 
                                                            
65750 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Equidog                  



I'm handsome and clever and coarse.                         
I'll fool you and take you by force.                        
The centaur's my pick.                                      
Beware of my kick.                                          
And yes, I am hung like a horse.                            
                                                            
65751 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                                 



On Friday, November thirteen,                               
The clairvoyants of Madingley Green                         
Were forced to abandon                                      
The meeting they'd planned on,                              
By circumstances unforeseen.                                
                                                            
65752 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        CeeJay                   



A girl who was born with a caul                             
Could prophesy fit to appall.                               
She shrieked out, "Cemented!"                               
They thought her demented,                                  
Till her dad bricked her up in a wall.                      
                                                            
65753 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Beelzeebub         TP9804



I know this wee fat bloke named Cupid;                      
Sometimes he's incredibly stupid.                           
He'll groan and he'll grunt,                                
He's a real Cupid stunt,                                    
'Cause he'll jump of a cliff for just two quid!             
                                                            
65754 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Jayne                    



Never again shall I hunt                                    
With arrows so hopelessly blunt!                            
I aimed for the heart                                       
Of that fickle young tart!"                                 
Said Cupid who hated the cunt.                              
                                                            
65755 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Marty              TP9807



Jimmy, the arrogant elf,                                    
Had his body parts stored on the shelf.                     
He boasted he could eat                                     
His own arms, legs and feet.                                
He did, now he's full of himself.                           
                                                            
65756 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Anon                     



There was a young elf from Tangiers                         
Who two big sticky-out ears.                                
He did try to master                                        
His ears with some plasters,                                
But they pinged out and left him in tears.                  
                                                            
65757 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Ananya                   



An elf liked to crawl underneath                            
A polar bear weaaring a wreath.                             
He said, "It's no wonder                                    
I like to crawl under;                                      
It's the part that's above has the teeth!"                  
                                                            
65758 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Diane Christian          



A lady who lives in Old Lime,                               
Committed a terrible crime.                                 
She diddled herself                                         
With the nose of an elf,                                    
And whistled a waltz the whole time.                        
                                                            
65759 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Norm Storer              



There once was a little brown elf,                          
Who worked for the National Health.                         
He once fell in love                                        
With a sugical glove,                                       
And now sits up on the top shelf.                           
                                                            
65760 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Ananya                   



Though Pearl has been left on the shelf                     
She's found comfort in Timmy the elf;                       
And what Timmy can't do                                     
With his quarter-inch screw                                 
She makes up for with 'do it yourself'.                     
                                                            
65761 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                                 



It seems that my garden elves                               
Have been misbehaving themselves.                           
They have been up all night                                 
Screwing little Snow White,                                 
That I put between two wishing wells.                       
                                                            
65762 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Bob Mornington           



There once was a stitcher named Gelf                        
Who was visited once by an elf.                             
She awoke in the morn                                       
And was terribly torn                                       
To find her stitching finished itself!                      
                                                            
65763 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Jill Spreenberg          



The ghost of Emanuel Fred,                                  
Who, for twenty-four years had been dead,                   
Appeared every night,                                       
To his widow's delight,                                     
At the foot of their maplewood bed.                         
                                                            
65764 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Cap'n Bean          P0305



Near the front at Liege, a young whore                      
Entertained a GI on the floor.                              
He went on his way,                                         
And she learned the next day                                
That he'd been killed two days before.                      
                                                            
65765 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        A. N. Wilkins       P8701



There once was an elf named Fred,                           
Whose house was of gingerbread.                             
Though tasty, these walls                                   
Dissolved in snowfalls,                                     
And also made crumbs in Fred's bed.                         
                                                            
65766 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Christine Brim           



Where the deer and the antelope roam,                       
Is no place for a sexy young gnome;                         
She'll be spied very soon                                   
By a wolf or baboon,                                        
And just guess what comes next in this poem!                
                                                            
65767 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Mark Levy           P9901



An old spinster outside Saint Jerome                        
Had a shameful affair with a gnome,                         
Who was so oddly hung                                       
That she hid him among                                      
All the junk in the cellar at home.                         
                                                            
65768 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Keith MacMillan       50c



Young Jeremy Hiram Jerome                                   
Had the hots for an innocent gnome;                         
Every day after dark,                                       
He would go to the park,                                    
And excitedly take it back home.                            
                                                            
65769 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Peter Wilkins            



And there he'd indulge in a sport                           
So disgusting, the jurors in court,                         
When his case came to trial,                                
Fainted dead in the aisle...                                
So I read in a Reuters report.                              
                                                            
65770 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Peter Wilkins            



A nasty young goblin from Crewe                             
Decided to build a canoe.                                   
When out on the river,                                      
He found, with a shiver,                                    
He hadn't used waterproof glue.                             
                                                            
65771 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Ananya                   



There once was a gnome from Peru                            
Who suffered a bad bout of flu.                             
He couldn't stop sneezing,                                  
While coughing and wheezing,                                
And all he could say was "Athchoooo!"                       
                                                            
65772 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Ananya                   



My neighbor, one Silas Jerome,                              
Is a fan of the cute garden gnome.                          
The neighborhood thugs                                      
Shoot their ears off with slugs,                            
Which makes Silas's mouth start to foam.                    
                                                            
65773 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Tony Burrell             



His wife Agnes caused quite a storm,                        
Knitting ear-muffs to keep the gnomes warm.                 
Pattern understated,                                        
But all amour plated,                                       
So now their ear-holes don't get torn.                      
                                                            
65774 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Tony Burrell             



Now Agnes and her daughter Jen                              
Do lectures "Gnome Knitting and Zen".                       
They create wooly hats                                      
And cute little spats,                                      
With philosophy just now and then.                          
                                                            
65775 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Tony Burrell             



As my boat moved away from the wharf,                       
My friend slowly turned to a dwarf,                         
So I quick turned around,                                   
And, returning, I found                                     
Him resuming his natural morph.                             
                                                            
65776 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Laurence Perrine    P8303



In magical fantasy land,                                    
Where hobbits and fairies all band,                         
You might make a wish                                       
Or meed talking fish:                                       
Something adults won't understand.                          
                                                            
65777 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Maggie                   



'Twas Tolkien's habit with a HOBBIT                         
To describe each morsel and gobbet;                         
When Bilbo Baggins                                          
Did search for dragons,                                     
He only hoped of rings to rob it.                           
                                                            
65778 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Daniel Ford              



When a girl wants a really good fuck,                       
She'll not want to leave it to luck.                        
Something etherial,                                         
More than material...                                       
She'll turn to an elf or a Puck.                            
                                                            
65779 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Chris Kirchner           



When a girl's hands drift down to her pussy,                
Those idle hands making her juicy...                        
It's the Devil's workshop                                   
Working up that sweet slop,                                 
As she plays with the imps Loosey-Goosey.                   
                                                            
65780 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Chris Kirchner           



When a girl feels moist in her crotch,                      
You'd better be sure not to botch                           
The job she wants done,                                     
Or next time, my son,                                       
She'll fuck a stiff ghoul while you watch!                  
                                                            
65781 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Chris Kirchner           



There once was a pale frail of Augusta,                     
So neurotic that everything fussed her,                     
And she longed for the good                                 
Kind magician who would,                                    
With a wave of his wand, readjust her.                      
                                                            
65782 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Keith MacMillan     A037B



A girlfriend that's psychic I get                           
(I know her from surfing the 'net).                         
When she fathoms my prick,                                  
On the trigger is quick,                                    
She leaves me before we have met.                           
                                                            
65783 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Echo                     



Elizabeth and Zack try to snatch                            
A leprechaun who's hard to catch.                           
'Cause with one swift flick                                 
Of his walking stick,                                       
He keeps them from his shamrock patch!                      
                                                            
65784 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Dick Hull                



On March Seventeenth, Meghan and Pat                        
Spy a leprechaun in a green hat.                            
He's not very old,                                          
But his pot o' gold,                                        
Looks pretty rich to them and to Matt.                      
                                                            
65785 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Dick Hull                



There once was a sprightly old leprechaun                   
Who thought his cock's get up had gone.                     
Until he met big young Jack                                 
Who gave him his go, back,                                  
In the back of the bar, by the john.                        
                                                            
65786 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Lims For Year - 01       



At the Blarney Stone, Shawna and Ryan,                      
Spot Vivak, who seems to keep tryin,                        
To earn lifetime bliss                                      
By planting a kiss,                                         
All while a leprechaun is spyin'.                           
                                                            
65787 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Dick Hull                



There is a wee guy named Propriety,                         
(Attached to me once by Society)                            
Who sits on my butt,                                        
Restraining the smut,                                       
That just might bespeckle my piety.                         
                                                            
65788 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                                 



A drunk Irishman who met an elf,                            
Said it looked very much like himself.                      
He has given up drink,                                      
Doesn't care what friends think.                            
His Guinness will stay on the shelf.                        
                                                            
65789 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Arthur Pattaffy          



Those moonward howlings 'round here!                        
Near Mt Shasta, folks do act queer;                         
They hear alien growls                                      
From the volcano's bowels,                                  
"An offering!  Pizza and beer!"                             
                                                            
65790 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                                 



From the gurus: "That's paltry stuff!                       
The Mountain needs goods  up to snuff;                      
Three virgins on ice!                                       
A devout sacrifice!                                         
May the ski lift get 'em up high enough!"                   
                                                            
65791 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                                 



When they see a lenticular cloud,                           
"Spaceship!" They cry out aloud;                            
The wild Cosmic Crazies                                     
Roll around in the daisies,                                 
Hoping aliens'll abduct the whole crowd!                    
                                                            
65792 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                                 



Please Wizardly wiz, a new spell.                           
The one you cast last week was swell.                       
I'll pay any price,                                         
Just please melt this ice;                                  
My ass hurs right here, where I fell.                       
                                                            
65793 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Carol                    



A good skill to walk?  Carol has lacked it,                 
And, thusly, the ice she has smacked it,                    
By falling (Poor goof!)                                     
Down hard.  Want some proof?                                
Well, look at her ass; she has cracked it.                  
                                                            
65794 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Travis Brasell           



I may be a goof, Travis dear,                               
But I've been walking many a year.                          
Perhaps 'twas the gum                                       
Caused the fall on my bum,                                  
And not the ice piling up here.                             
                                                            
65795 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Carol                    



The Wiz really feels for you, lass,                         
And what you wish shall come to pass.                       
I'll remove the ice                                         
And it would feel nice.                                     
If, as payment, I could rub your ass.                       
                                                            
65796 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Cyber Wizard             



A rub on my ass would feel nice,                            
So for payment, I'll not think twice.                       
It's the least I can do                                     
For a wizard like you!                                      
It's snowing now, but there's no ice.                       
                                                            
65797 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Carol                    



A decision has formed in my head                            
'Bout a book on the future that said                        
Nostradamus was right;                                      
We're all dying tonight.                                    
I stay home but I won't make my bed.                        
                                                            
65798 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Eric Hinds               



Puckish as midsummer's night's dream,                       
Teasing in a silver moonbeam,                               
The young nymphs and sprites                                
Dance in twinkling lights.                                  
While we ancient asses lose steam.                          
                                                            
65799 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Daniel Ford              



A nymph, one of peace's proponents,                         
Never fights, but seduces opponents.                        
Their violence she'll quell                                 
As if using a spell.                                        
You should see her material components!                     
                                                            
65800 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Jim Weaver Collection    



To be healthy, wealthy and wise,                            
And have a dong of 'normous size.                           
You can't make it four?                                     
Oh hell, what a bore,                                       
Which of those gifts to excise?                             
                                                            
65801 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Jim Weaver Collection    



We can put it all down to Pandora,                          
Who opened that box filled with horror;                     
And left us to grope,                                       
With that one thing called Hope,                            
To see us all through to tomorrow.                          
                                                            
65802 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Tiddy                    



My muse is an adamant sprite,                               
That haunts me by day and by night.                         
If I hesitate                                               
It bids me create,                                          
By telling me, "Foolish one, write!"                        
                                                            
65803 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Julia Strawn        P8711



There once lived two elves in the trees,                    
Who made love 'midst the rustle of leaves.                  
With a prick like a pimple,                                 
And a cunt like a dimple,                                   
They screwed with the greatest of ease.                     
                                                            
65804 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                            G0206



A gay young pixie named Pool                                
Was grinning just like a damn fool.                         
When I asked him why,                                       
He winked and replied,                                      
"I'm sitting on a toad's tool.  (toadstool?)                
                                                            
65805 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Tim                      



Squire Tupham, the bailiff of Leith,                        
Buggers pixies who dwell on the heath.                      
But his runcible dong                                       
Is so terribly long,                                        
He urinates right through their teeth.                      
                                                            
65806 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                            G0996



Tongues of mortals, of angels, of vermin --                 
The poltergeist, you will determine,                        
Understands none of these,                                  
And so if you please,                                       
To address him, you have to use German.                     
                                                            
65807 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        A. N. Wilkins       P8710



A poltergeist know as O'Mally                               
Has the hots for a phantom named Sally.                     
They got in a trance,                                       
And took off their pants,                                   
And danced all night long in the alley.                     
                                                            
65808 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Julia Strawn        P8711



A wizard of true eldrich sentience                          
Must spend centuries as an apprentice;                      
Which may help to explain                                   
Why the sorcerers brain                                     
Is so commonly Non Compos Mentis.                           
                                                            
65809 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        John M. Ford        P8211



A cute little feminine spectre                              
Got scared when another spook necked her.                   
She gave such a start                                       
That her bones fell apart,                                  
And it took quite a while to collect her.                   
                                                            
65810 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Don Augur           P9210



Though live friends all think I'm a kook                    
For going to bed with a spook,                              
His mere ectoplasms                                         
On me, trigger spasms                                       
Like some sexual tactical nuke.                             
                                                            
65811 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Robin K. Willoughby P8711



A beachcomber, making her rounds,                           
Found a djinn in a flask.  Holy Zounds!                     
Too bad djinn aren't Brit.                                  
She left a small pit                                        
Where she'd asked him for ten billion pounds.               
                                                            
65812 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        H Whelchel               



Said a practical thinker, "One should                       
Help to kill superstition for good.                         
I, for instance, refuse                                     
To observe the taboos                                       
With immunity, so far, touch wood.                          
                                                            
65813 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Frank Watson             



Two dryads sent this billet-doux to us:                     
"How can we be sure that oak's true to us?                  
Unless our leaves fall,                                     
We'll not please him at all.                                
Are we evergreens or deciduous?"                            
                                                            
65814 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY                                 



Betwixt and between you'll be torn;                         
You'll regret the day you were born.                        
So, take this advice,                                       
Don't even think twice:                                     
Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.                        
                                                            
65815 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Ron Sartain              



A very fat girl named Keller                                
Met up with a very nice feller.                             
Her stays started to buckle,                                
He started to chuckle,                                      
My name, by the way's, Uri Geller.                          
                                                            
65816 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Arthur Pattaffy          



I wish for clear brilliant blue skies,                      
To win the top lottery prize!                               
A firm washboard tummy,                                     
To be a good mummy,                                         
But mostly I wish to be wise!                               
                                                            
65817 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Jayne                    



With a Wizardly skill of great flair,                       
I'm transporting myself over there.                         
Your body I'll ravish                                       
And lovingly have a sh-                                     
Are of fine savoir-faire.                                   
                                                            
65818 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Cyber Wizard             



At you my Great Wand I'll be shaking.                       
I'll wave It 'til your jaws are aching.                     
My Wandish effluvium,                                       
Don't you dare remove.  Yum!                                
But don't be, my Magic Heart, breaking.                     
                                                            
65819 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Cyber Wizard             



My crystal balls starting to rise,                          
I feel a Great Power of Thighs!                             
Through sparks and smoke incense,                           
I feel your lust, intense,                                  
And sent this spell you'll recognise.                       
                                                            
65820 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        Cyber Wizard             



A homely young shepherd named Lymph                         
By a spring once discovered a nymph.                        
When he asked, "Will you dance?"                            
She replied, "Not a chance --                               
Get your brother, I'd much prefer himph!"                   
                                                            
65821 SUPERNATURAL - FRIENDLY        S M Polonsky             



Though Aladdin had horniness chronic,                       
With girls, his affairs were platonic.                      
When his bullocks would cramp,                              
He would call for his lamp.                                 
One could say that the Djinn was his tonic.                 
                                                            
65822 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



"Oh Genie," said Beatrice, "Heed.                           
I do wish that I was a Swede."                              
A flash!  A strange sound!                                  
She's now in the ground.                                    
I think she's a turnip, indeed!                             
                                                            
65823 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES          Tiddy Ogg                



A couple were playing a game                                
Of golf, when the woman, young Jane,                        
Struck the ball quite askew,                                
And it rapidly flew                                         
To a house window, smashing the pane.                       
                                                            
65824 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



They went there to apologise,                               
A voice called "Hi there, come in guys.                     
Thanks be to thee,                                          
For setting me free."                                       
They stood open-mouthed, with wide eyes.                    
                                                            
65825 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



"This bottle that lies broken here,                         
Had trapped me for two thousand years,                      
I'm a genie, you see,                                       
So now there are three                                      
Wishes to grant, but I fear...                              
                                                            
65826 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



"The rules here are quite fundamental,                      
This freedom was quite accidental,                          
So wish number three,                                       
'S awarded to me,                                           
Because your act had no intental."                          
                                                            
65827 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



The man said "A million plus bucks."                        
Said Jane: "To stay young, that's the crux                  
Of my wish"  "As for me,"                                   
Says the genie, You see,                                    
I've been 2k without any fucks.                             
                                                            
65828 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



"So maybe for an hour or two,                               
Can I take you upstairs, and we'll screw,                   
I've gone through this chasm                                
Of years, sans orgasm."                                     
She followed without more ado.                              
                                                            
65829 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



They went at it, an hour or more,                           
On the bed, in the shower, on the floor,                    
"How old's hubby, Jane?"                                    
Says he, "Please explain."                                  
She says "He's about twenty-four."                          
                                                            
65830 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



He said" Don't you find it naive,                           
Your husband, now, what's his name, Steve?                  
Has grown to that age,                                      
But is so far from sage,                                    
That in genies he still will believe."                      
                                                            
65831 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



I rubbed up this powerful genie;                            
Said, "Make me an 18 inch wienie!"                          
But he got it scrod,                                        
'Cause I'm now a hot dog;                                   
That genie's a dope or a meanie.                            
                                                            
65832 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



I rubbed up this powerful genie,                            
Who simpered and said, "Oh, you meanie!                     
Don't call at this hour.                                    
I was in the shower.                                        
Your rubbing me is quite unseemly.                          
                                                            
65833 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES          Marty              TP9807



I rubbed up this powerful genie,                            
Who turned out to be gay and called Queenie.                
I said, "Hi", then addin'                                   
"Do you like Aladdin?"                                      
He replied, "How big's this lad's weinie ?"                 
                                                            
65834 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



I rubbed up this powerful genie                             
For a Latino - in or out of bikini.                         
So I said "For my wish -                                    
Bring me an Italian hot dish!"                              
You guessed it - he brought me linguini!                    
                                                            
65835 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



The genie's released, and the human,                        
A male, has the spirit a-fumin'.                            
"You're all made the same,                                  
Want money and fame,                                        
And always a gorgeous young woman."                         
                                                            
65836 SUPERNATURAL - GENIES                                   



As tourists inspected the apse,                             
An ominous series of raps                                   
Came from under the altar,                                  
Which caused some to falter                                 
And others to shriek and collapse.                          
                                                            
65837 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Edward Gorey             



Have you ever made love to a ghost?                         
"I'm the best!", he said with a boast.                      
"I never will tire,                                         
I can't be a sire,                                          
And my rod is as hard as a post."                           
                                                            
65838 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



"I'll make love to you all night,                           
And not once give you a fright.                             
You'll never get sore,                                      
I promise you more                                          
Than anyone else has a right."                              
                                                            
65839 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



She didn't know what to do;                                 
Should she let him until he was through?                    
A most tempting offer,                                      
Straight from the coffer;                                   
Not once had he said "Boo!"                                 
                                                            
65840 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



And soon a soft little ghost kiss                           
Convinced her she'd not want to miss                        
A rare opportunity                                          
With no real impunity,                                      
To enjoy the entire night's bliss.                          
                                                            
65841 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



There was an old house on a hill,                           
Whose shutters would never stay still.                      
They'd creak and they'd clang,                              
Then they'd shut with a bang--                              
Which caused many a moan from the sill.                     
                                                            
65842 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



There once was a girl ectoplasm,                            
Who kept all the guys in a spasm.                           
She tickled their fancy                                     
And made them feel antsy,                                   
But lacked what it took for orgasm.                         
                                                            
65843 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Julia Strawn        P8711



When the judge had the nympho exhumed,                      
Well, of course, some foul play was assumed.                
What had everyone grossed                                   
Was revealed by her ghost:                                  
An affair with the judge had resumed!                       
                                                            
65844 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          John Miller              



Moaned the ghost, "Though the judge is consumed             
With a lust for some flesh, well perfumed,                  
It's his pecker that's dead;                                
He must get in his head                                     
That a rise from the dead is foredoomed."                   
                                                            
65845 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          John Miller              



Surely, earthbounds are apt to be quick                     
To say spirits will not have a prick.                       
But a medium swears                                         
That in all higher spheres                                  
Ectoplasm can do the trick.                                 
                                                            
65846 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Bill Backe-Hansen   P8710



Two spectres who screwed in a chasm                         
Had a simultaneous spasm.                                   
With a howl of despair                                      
The invisible pair                                          
Was splattered with ectoplasm.                              
                                                            
65847 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                              G0548



Each night Father fills me with dread                       
When he sits on the foot of my bed.                         
I'd not mind that he speaks                                 
In gibbers and squeaks,                                     
But for seventeen years he's been dead.                     
                                                            
65848 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Edward Gorey             



In a castle on the North of Scottie                         
Is a ghost with a naked body.                               
He makes us all swoon                                       
With his ghastly "full moon",                               
And his farts all come out spotty.                          
                                                            
65849 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



There was an old lady of Rome,                              
Who lived in an old catacomb.                               
When the ghouls came to play,                               
She'd keep them at bay                                      
With an offer of SPAM in her home.                          
                                                            
65850 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Mike O'Conner            



In a castle on England's south coast,                       
With head 'neath his arm walks a ghost.                     
"Although it's immoral,                                     
I like my sex oral,                                         
A head here's more handy than most."                        
                                                            
65851 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



In the place that was once Storeyville,                     
Ghosts in dishabille may be seen still.                     
The ladies assemble                                         
And one does resemble                                       
Faded photos of my Great Aunt Lil.                          
                                                            
65852 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Loren Fitzhugh      P9205



A gift was delivered to Laura,                              
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah.                        
Wrapped in tissue and crepe,                                
It was peeled, like a grape,                                
And emitted a pale, greenish aura.                          
                                                            
65853 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Edward Gorey             



I lost my shoe under the bed.                               
I lifted the ruffle and said,                               
"Hand, gimme my shoe!                                       
I'm not scared of you!"                                     
The hand nearly ripped off my head!                         
                                                            
65854 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



It's grasp was so firm and so tight,                        
I could tell it wanted a fight.                             
It pulled on my hair                                        
'Til right then and there,                                  
I quite nearly died from the fright!                        
                                                            
65855 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



I pulled and I screamed at the thing;                       
But still it continued to cling.                            
I gave a big tug --                                         
Fell back on the rug!                                       
My hair had been caught on a spring.                        
                                                            
65856 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



"To make love to a ghost would be neat,"                    
Said Will, who was really in heat.                          
What he thought was a lass,                                 
As he reached for her ass,                                  
All he got was a handful of sheet.                          
                                                            
65857 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Clarence E. Boyle   P8711



In a graveyard, the brave Mr Fleet                          
Almost caught a real ghost by the seat.                     
When he grabbed for the rump,                               
Lightly draped o'er a stump,                                
All he got was a handfull of sheet.                         
                                                            
65858 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Pierce Evans             



A philosopher know for sarcasm,                             
Took a tart to his bed for orgasm.                          
He found to his horror,                                     
He had a limp jarrer,                                       
And denounced her as naught but phantasm.                   
                                                            
65859 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                              G0749



There once was an unhappy spectre,                          
Who went by the first name of Hector.                       
While haunting one night,                                   
He was given a fright,                                      
And caught by our spirit detector.                          
                                                            
65860 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



A ghost still around an old house,                          
A virgin whose flame wouldn't douse:                        
She possessed a cat,                                        
But caught just a rat --                                    
She'll howl at the moon for a spouse.                       
                                                            
65861 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



A ghost in McMinneville does run                            
From house to the barn, where he's done.                    
It's always the same,                                       
He goes where he came,                                      
At dusk when there's almost no sun.                         
                                                            
65862 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Matthew Montchalin       



A lady the state of whose skin                              
Was a shame and a shock and a sin.                          
With horrified shrieks,                                     
Tried to plug up her leaks,                                 
But her insides just wouldn't stay in!                      
                                                            
65863 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Beelzebub                



In olden times of yesteryear,                               
There live a young court jester here.                       
He was not                                                  
A stupid twat,                                              
But also no Einstein, I fear.                               
                                                            
65864 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Gearhart                 



He made his jokes for the King;                             
Did silly dances and did sing.                              
Performed for him                                           
At the royal whim,                                          
A loyal man that joy did bring.                             
                                                            
65865 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Gearhart                 



One day he made a stupid joke                               
About the King before townsfolk.                            
"Off with his head"                                         
The King then said,                                         
And that was the end of that poor bloke.                    
                                                            
65866 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Gearhart                 



But to this day, it has been told                           
That this jester from days old,                             
Still walks the Earth                                       
Where he spreads mirth,                                     
But now spreads fear with a touch so cold.                  
                                                            
65867 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Gearhart                 



If you see the fool on the hill,                            
Stay far away lest he will                                  
Touch you with                                              
His cold and stiff                                          
Fingers of bone whose touch does kill.                      
                                                            
65868 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Gearhart                 



A ghost who was causing confusion                           
By his very unwelcome intrusion                             
In a family's new home                                      
He mistook for his own,                                     
Said, "Sorry, I'm must an illusion."                        
                                                            
65869 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Funfax Limericks         



There was a young man from the Coast,                       
Who received a parcel by post.                              
It contained, so I heard,                                   
A triangular turd,                                          
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.                   
                                                            
65870 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                              L1390



Both Willie and Al stay undaunted                           
In spite of proprieties flaunted.                           
They say, "Why not assume                                   
Guests in Abe Lincoln's room                                
Weren't real? We all know the room's haunted."              
                                                            
65871 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9704



"Can anyone here," Deacon Yost,                             
"Confess having slept with a ghost?"                        
When questioned again                                       
The meekest of men,                                         
"I'm sorry, I thought you said GOAT."                       
                                                            
65872 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          A N Wilkins         P8710



In October a ghost may appear,                              
As the end of the month draws more near.                    
Because of Halloween                                        
There are more of them seen                                 
Than at all other times of the year.                        
                                                            
65873 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Observer                 



The Necronomicon?  You can't be shown one,                  
While the libraries never will loan one.                    
But if it's so rare                                         
And guarded with care,                                      
Why does every nut case seem to own one.                    
                                                            
65874 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Dennis Maggard           



Said Otto, the ghost of the castle,                         
As he fiddled and fooled with his tassel,                   
"This chain-rattling's old;                                 
With no clothes I catch cold.                               
What I need is a she-ghost to rassle."                      
                                                            
65875 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                              G2099



It is said that a fellow from Spitz                         
Was frightened half out of his wits.                        
What caused such a fright                                   
Was the sight in the night                                  
Of a phantom with ninety-nine teats!                        
                                                            
65876 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                              G0455



An ugly knight deep in a trance,                            
Bid a ghost to cool his hot lance.                          
A banshee instead                                           
Screamed "I'm not that dead.                                
And ghost is the word for your chance!"                     
                                                            
65877 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Jim Weaver Collection    



A young ghost from old Bangladesh,                          
Went out with a girl and got fresh.                         
Said she, "I don't mind                                     
High spirits, you'll find,                                  
But I won't have you come in the flesh."                    
                                                            
65878 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          John Ciardi              



A charming young maid from McCook                           
Was molested one night by a spook.                          
But such interaction                                        
Brought no satisfaction --                                  
'Twas unable to touch, only look.                           
                                                            
65879 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Hugh Oliver         A075B



There once was a ghost named Paul,                          
Who went to a fancy-dress ball.                             
To shock all the guests,                                    
He went quite undressed,                                    
But the rest couldn't see him at all.                       
                                                            
65880 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



A phantom comes creeping around                             
Into my room with no sound.                                 
At the foot of the bed                                      
He just shakes his head,                                    
Then screams like a bloody Hell hound!                      
                                                            
65881 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Azul                     



I fall out of bed with a start;                             
Land on my ass and it smarts.                               
He just giggles and shakes;                                 
The chains they do grate                                    
As he turns to the wall to depart.                          
                                                            
65882 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Azul                     



"Hey wait!", at his back I do shout.                        
"What the hell was that all about?"                         
He let out a sigh,                                          
Smiled to mystify,                                          
And took leave as I started to pout.                        
                                                            
65883 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Azul                     



He has never returned to this site,                         
But I wonder to this very night,                            
What exaactly went on                                       
That night long gone,                                       
For I still wake every morning upright.                     
                                                            
65884 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Azul                     



There once was a phantom named Pete,                        
Who never would play, drink or eat.                         
He said, "I don't care                                      
For a Coke or eclair.                                       
Can't you see that I'm dead on my feet?"                    
                                                            
65885 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Jim Weaver Collection    



A psychic researcher's elation                              
Was shattered by her situation.                             
She'd been heard to boast                                   
That she'd slept with a ghost,                              
But she now had a phantom gestation.                        
                                                            
65886 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Cyril Mountjoy           



There once was a person so dead,                            
He could not get this fact through his head.                
He continued to roam                                        
The rooms of his home,                                      
While he rotted to pulp in his bed.                         
                                                            
65887 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Beelzebub                



A hundred years past or so,                                 
A lady to London did go,                                    
From Bristol, by train --                                   
No, not to remain --                                        
Just to visit and see a new show.                           
                                                            
65888 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



Her journey, she broke on the way,                          
At Oxford, the night for to stay,                           
With a friend of her spouse,                                
At an old manor house,                                      
Where these streaming spires do sway.                       
                                                            
65889 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



She awoke in the gibbous moon's light,                      
To strange sounds in the dead of the night.                 
A vehicle arrived                                           
In the big gravelled drive,                                 
And she saw a disquieting sight.                            
                                                            
65890 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



An old horse-drawn hearse now stood near,                   
With a large load of coffins, most queer.                   
The the driver's skull face                                 
Looks at her and he says:                                   
"Room for one more inside here."                            
                                                            
65891 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



You may guess she got little more sleep,                    
Her mind full of thoughts dark and deep.                    
But with the dawn's light,                                  
She shrugged off her fright,                                
And went on, her appointment to keep.                       
                                                            
65892 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



On that day, in a large London store,                       
Wanting lingerie, on the top floor,                         
To buy for a gift,                                          
She ran for the lift;                                       
Was about to step in when she saw...                        
                                                            
65893 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



The lift-man's skull face, most austere,                    
It filled her whole body with fear.                         
Not the least when he spoke                                 
In that same mocking croak:                                 
"Room for one more inside here."                            
                                                            
65894 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



"No!" she cried, for the stairs she did dash.               
Halfway up, when she heard a loud crash.                    
The lift had gone down,                                     
Hurtling into the ground,                                   
Killing all in the cage in the smash.                       
                                                            
65895 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



This story of death and distress                            
Appeared at the time in the press.                          
But identification                                          
Of girl and location,                                       
Were left for the reader to guess.                          
                                                            
65896 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tiddy Ogg                



As played by the phantoms of Shrule,                        
Midnight football is eerie and cruel.                       
If one kicks a ghost                                        
Past the other's goal-post,                                 
He wins credit for scoring a ghoul.                         
                                                            
65897 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Tony Butler              



A Scotland castle, bleak. The host,                         
"To all my ancestors, a toast!"                             
The front door opens wide                                   
And enters there inside                                     
A gust! A guest aghast! A Ghost!                            
                                                            
65898 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Irving Superior     P8710



The talk had been nicely post-prandial                      
Until the host made it most brandyal.                       
Then elderly males                                          
Got on to the tails,                                        
The party would say were ghost-randyal.                     
                                                            
65899 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Bill Bache-Hansen   P9308



A suit by a petulant sprite                                 
Has blocked funding for Walpurgis Night.                    
Laying ghosts, if explicit                                  
Was judged an illicit                                       
And unconstitutional rite.                                  
                                                            
65900 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Melvin B. Lewis     P8312



At seances she went through the tedium                      
Of conjuring spirits and greeting 'em,                      
Though she often played hostess                             
To a ghost or a ghostess,                                   
She was not very good, only medium.                         
                                                            
65901 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Ann Gasser          P9709



There was an old fellow named Breethouse                    
Who lived in a fine and a neat house.                       
And a ghost lived therin                                    
Who was neat as a pin,                                      
For he kept all his sheets in the sheethouse.               
                                                            
65902 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Albin Chaplin   3024-2466



A spirited ghost kept a graph                               
Of the off-season guests he could chaff                     
When they left the hotel.                                   
He could always smell                                       
Who were scared by the skeleton staff.                      
                                                            
65903 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Bill Backe-Hansen   P8503



The last time I fucked me a ghost,                          
My liver was nearly sclerosed.                              
The orange ectoplasm                                        
That spewed in a spasm,                                     
Was tasty as hell served on toast.                          
                                                            
65904 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



The undead are evil and cursed,                             
And if in their ways you are versed,                        
You'd know as I do                                          
That one thing is true;                                     
They're worse than the students in Hurst.                   
                                                            
65905 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Jo Skinner               



An earthbound young man made a boast                        
That he manages better than most.                           
A departed, returning,                                      
Quite brimfull of yearning                                  
Said, "He's super when laying the ghost."                   
                                                            
65906 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Bill Backe-Hansen   P8503



"At a seance", said a young lass named Post,                
"I enjoyed being eaten by a ghost.                          
But then on came the lights,                                
And down by my tights,                                      
On his knees was Tobias, mine host!"                        
                                                            
65907 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                              L0423



He wanted to learn how to Jazz 'em,                         
But when you are all ectoplasm,                             
It is very tough                                            
To tickle her muff,                                         
Or get her quim into a spasm.                               
                                                            
65908 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Larry Davis         P8710



In a spooky old chateau in France                           
The chatelaine slipped off her pants.                       
For a bold apparition                                       
Was demanding coition,                                      
And she'd try anything once-- even ha'nts!                  
(chatelaine - mistress of the chateau or castle)            
65909 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Grand Prix Lim  547 G0593



Possessed by the devils of doom,                            
He made love to a ghost in a tomb.                          
He did it, they say,                                        
In the regular way,                                         
Under the sheets, I presume.                                
                                                            
65910 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



There was a young man from the coast, (Washington Post,)    
Who had an affair with a ghost.(once had it off with a ghost
At the height of orgasm,                                    
Said the pallid phantasm,              (pale ectoplasm)     
"I think I can feel it, almost!"   (..I'm coming,  almost)  
                                                            
65911 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Anthony Burgess     L0282



She had a nice weekend; thanked her host,                   
Who inquired what she really liked most.                    
"That nice guest in the hall,                               
Who walked clean through the wall!"                         
"That was no guest, dear, he's our ghost!"                  
                                                            
65912 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Arthur Pattaffy          



Years ago while on leave in Lahore,                         
I met a ghost who was gay, whilst ashore.                   
When I said, "You're a poof" --                             
Thought he'd go through the roof,                           
But he didn't -- he went through the door!                  
                                                            
65913 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          H Myers            TP9802



The voices are mumbling to me,                              
But they're not speaking very clearly.                      
Speak they of towels?                                       
And what are those howls?                                   
It must be the wind in the tree...                          
                                                            
65914 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS                                   



The ghost that inhabits Fort Steele                         
Is really alarmingly real;                                  
Chasing ladies for sport                                    
'Round the walls of the fort                                
With a cock like a large conger eel.                        
                                                            
65915 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS          Hugh Oliver           98b



I rolled into Hogsett today                                 
And asked for the infamous Clay.                            
As you can guess                                            
My simple request:                                          
"Where can I find him, I say?"                              
                                                            
65916 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



The man in the store in the town                            
Was alarmed at my question and frowned.                     
He told me that Clay                                        
Had long passed away,                                       
But he knew where his 'ghost' could be found.               
                                                            
65917 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"Just look to the end of the street                         
And point those small wheels on your feet,                  
To the old grimy house                                      
Where lived the old louse.                                  
Then be careful when his wife you meet..."                  
                                                            
65918 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"Would her name be Linda Lou?                               
I've once been warned of her, too.                          
I was said to meet Clay                                     
That he had a new way                                       
For my travel -- I'm just passing through."                 
                                                            
65919 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



He said, "Clay came many years past                         
Planning to leave this town fast.                           
But once Linda got him                                      
His future was grim."                                       
He ominously said "And, alas...                             
                                                            
65920 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"He never did make his way out                              
Of her clutches, the poor old lout.                         
He was never the same.                                      
It was simply a shame,                                      
His ghost is said each night to shout.                      
                                                            
65921 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"It's legend that he has waited                             
For one that will come, it is fated,                        
In from the midwest                                         
To help achieve rest --                                     
Clay, too, will help him," he stated.                       
                                                            
65922 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"Clay's only hold to this plain                             
Is to keep this from happening again --                     
Linda Lou gaining hold                                      
Of a 28-year-old,                                           
Just passing through; she'll try to detain...               
                                                            
65923 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"This young man on his humble way                           
To Maryland, where they say,                                
His true love waits for him.                                
She does most adore him;                                    
He has a debt to her to pay.                                
                                                            
65924 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"If Clay can help him get in                                
To the cellar, he'll find a new Schwinn                     
Mountain bike there,                                        
And then he'll take care                                    
To see the lad get's out again.                             
                                                            
65925 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



"Linda Lou will try hard not to let                         
Him out when he goes in to get                              
That shiny new Schwinn,                                     
That is waiting for him;.                                   
Won't be easy escaping, I'd bet."                           
                                                            
65926 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



After hearing what this gent has said,                      
I can see I've adventures ahead.                            
I hope I can get                                            
Out of Hogsett                                              
But for now, there's a feeling of dread.                    
                                                            
65927 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I came to the downtrodden place                             
Where Linda Lou lived in disgrace.                          
The paint faded and chipping,                               
In need of a stripping,                                     
And new paint job right now, post haste.                    
                                                            
65928 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



The shutters hung cockeyed and falling;                     
The house was just outright apalling.                       
And folks round these parts                                 
Lived with fear in their hearts,                            
Due to Clay's nightly blood-curdly calling.                 
                                                            
65929 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



The sides were a greenish-grey hue,                         
But I'm sure that you would be too,                         
If you were grown over                                      
With ivy and mold, or                                       
Some sort of fungi 'pon you.                                
                                                            
65930 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



As I tried to peak through the glass,                       
Of a side window pane, caught a flash                       
Of something inside,                                        
That left me wide-eyed --                                   
Linda Lou's naked, furry-red ass!                           
                                                            
65931 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



She was monstrously huge, ten foot tall;                    
Must have been ten foot wide too by all                     
Accounts I can give,                                        
But my memory's a sieve                                     
Full of holes and [thank god] can't recall!                 
                                                            
65932 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



All of the details of that day,                             
Some things are best kept locked away,                      
In the darkest recesses                                     
Of minds, or distresses                                     
Might drive us quite mad, so they say.                      
                                                            
65933 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I panicked and near fainted then,                           
But I knew I just had to get in                             
To the house cellar,                                        
Or this young feller                                        
Might ne'er see that shiny new Schwinn.                     
                                                            
65934 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I crept 'round the house hoping maybe                       
I could avoid that evil lady.                               
If an external entry                                        
Could bypass that sentry,                                   
Linda, but soon I found gravely...                          
                                                            
65935 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



The only way into the basement                              
Was inside, and to my amazement                             
Seems many had tried                                        
To get that bike but died,                                  
After years in Linda's enslavement.                         
                                                            
65936 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I crept around to the front door,                           
Climbed up the stairs and crossed the floor.                
My knees were all shaky;                                    
My stomach was quaky;                                       
Thought I was a goner for sure.                             
                                                            
65937 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



The planks of the old porch floor creaked                   
The stench of death from inside reaked                      
And choked me once more                                     
Then I opened the door                                      
And inside I cautiously peeked                              
                                                            
65938 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



Expecting to see Linda Lou                                  
Afraid that she might have come to                          
From the sound of the hinges--                              
Their squeaking sent cringes                                
Up the back of my neck and all through                      
                                                            
65939 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



My muscles, which clenched up all tense;                    
The tightness in them was immense.                          
T'was all I could do                                        
To fight my way through.                                    
My urges to flee when I sensed                              
                                                            
65940 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



That someone was staring at me                              
I turned just in time then to see                           
Clay there pointing to                                      
A door I knew through                                       
The stairs to the cellar must be                            
                                                            
65941 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I crossed the floor fast as I dared                         
Toward the portal to which Clay now stared                  
The door was unlocked                                       
Of this I was shocked                                       
"This should be easy!" I declared                           
                                                            
65942 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



When I reached the basement I found                         
Dead bodies there, piled all around.                        
Spider webs and rats,                                       
Snakes, bugs, and bats                                      
Scurried here/there through air and on ground.              
                                                            
65943 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I saw then what I had come for,                             
When from upstairs a laughter did roar.                     
Linda Lou was waking                                        
And I was shaking,                                          
Just then came the sound of a door.                         
                                                            
65944 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



Being slammed and the sound of a lock                       
Being turned, and I was in shock.                           
Paralyzed with the fear                                     
Of being trapped here,                                      
Would've screamed then but I could not talk...              
                                                            
65945 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



Many moments stood motionless there                         
I was clutched in a fit of despair                          
In a room of gloom                                          
And impending doom                                          
Surrounded by death and dank air                            
                                                            
65946 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



The smell of the corpses rotting                            
Around me had my stomach knotting                           
Up into a ball                                              
There seemed no chance at all                               
Any way that I'd soon be departing                          
                                                            
65947 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



Upstairs Linda cackled with glee                            
Thinking she'd make a sex-toy of me                         
Like so many before                                         
I'd be stuck with that whore                                
And never another soul see                                  
                                                            
65948 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



But Clay was growing quite tired                            
Of Linda Lou's game and aspired                             
To put an end to it                                         
Was high time to do it                                      
And this time he knew it required                           
                                                            
65949 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



His interference to end it                                  
For he could no longer pretend it                           
Would end on it's own.                                      
For a long time he'd known                                  
He'd one day take a stand and defend it.                    
                                                            
65950 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



After what seemed like hours had passed                     
I heard the door opening at last                            
A brief glimmer of hope                                     
Passed over this dope                                       
But it was short-lived, dying fast                          
                                                            
65951 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I heard the door slam and stairs quake                      
Her footfalls caused the walls to shake                     
Linda Lou was coming                                        
And my heart was drumming                                   
In my ears, not much more could I take                      
                                                            
65952 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



She approached me, that hideous mass                        
Of blubber with the furry-red ass.                          
That bitch sure was scary;                                  
Her tits were all hairy,                                    
Not to mention her bad breath and gas.                      
                                                            
65953 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



There I stood facing my life's end                          
In my mind good times passed just then                      
Carol's image engraved                                      
On my heart is what saved                                   
Me, bringing back senses again...                           
                                                            
65954 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



As I watched, Linda's soul was devoured                     
And Clay, no more seeming a coward,                         
Was at last released                                        
From his ties to that beast.                                
He could at last rest, now empowered.                       
                                                            
65955 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



The others, too, could finally rest,.                       
After years of being distressed;                            
Trapped here by that witch,                                 
Linda Lou, that big bitch.                                  
They ended her reign of duress.                             
                                                            
65956 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



As I mounted my shiny new Schwinn,                          
Made one pass round that cellar of sin                      
On that cycle's one wheel,                                  
I rode off with zeal,                                       
Right over that whore's corpse and then...                  
                                                            
65957 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



I carried it up from the cellar's                           
Darkness while watched by those fellers                     
That had long been deceased,                                
And enslaved by that beast.                                 
No longer at night time they'd beller.                      
                                                            
65958 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



As I rode off into the northeast,                           
I turned to look back and was pleased                       
To see Clay on the porch swing,                             
Pickin' his five string                                     
Banjo, singing loud with no teeth...                        
                                                            
65959 SUPERNATURAL - GHOSTS - BIKE                            



A leprechaun chased his own rainbow,                        
Searching for his pot all a-glow.                           
When rounding the bend,                                     
He found at the end                                         
His dream was chasing a shadow.                             
                                                            
65960 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     John                     



The end of the rainbow I found;                             
I dug and I dug in the ground.                              
But gold?  No such tripe.                                   
A burst water pipe,                                         
That sprayed me till I nearly drowned.                      
                                                            
65961 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Tiddy Ogg                



While golfing one fine Irish day,                           
A golfer launched one far away.                             
Far into the wood,                                          
Searched he for ball good,                                  
And found a small man in cold splay.                        
                                                            
65962 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



The leprechaun woke, signs propitious,                      
Told the golfer, "Be not suspicious.                        
Caught me fair and square;                                  
I'm going nowhere,                                          
Until I've granted you three wishes."                       
                                                            
65963 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



"Oh no," said golfer, walking away;                         
Then the leprechaun knew he must pay,                       
For he had beem caught.                                     
To himself he thought,                                      
"Great golf game, money, sex life, I say."                  
                                                            
65964 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



Years later same golfer hit long golf;                      
Again struck the leprechaun, Rolf.                          
Went into the wood                                          
Where he had once stood,                                    
And again found li'l man next to ball(f).                   
                                                            
65965 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



Worried golfer inquires with some shame,                    
"How are you?", "Just fine. How's your game?"               
"Great! Par every time                                      
And the money's prime;                                      
Finances seem always the same."                             
                                                            
65966 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



"Thanks to me," said li'l man, not meek,                    
"And sir, how does your sex life pique?"                    
Rolfie asked shyly.                                         
Golfer said slyly,                                          
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."                         
                                                            
65967 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



"What!" said leprechaun, "Sex should cherish.               
Once or twice a week, the thought perish!                   
Sir, How can that be?"                                      
The golfer said he,                                         
"'S'not bad for a priest in small parish."                  
                                                            
65968 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



I've never pinched elf that was Puckish,                    
Or toyed with a toad, mired and muckish,                    
And never looked on                                         
A Celt's leprechaun;                                        
No wonder I'm down on my luckish.                           
                                                            
65969 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Chris Papa               



'Twas once a Leprechaun named Craig                         
Whose penis was merely a peg.                               
Many claimed it'd be luck,                                  
If he'd get a fuck.                                         
Even a trollop he'd have to beg.                            
                                                            
65970 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS                              



Into the woods and old hooker strolled,                     
Without fear for she was quite bold.                        
Naive to her ways,                                          
Traded gold for her lays;                                   
Lucky Craig lost his whole pot of gold.                     
                                                            
65971 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS                              



There once was a leprechaun named Pat,                      
Who lived in a green derby hat.                             
As legend foretold,                                         
He hid all his gold,                                        
And then he got ate by the cat!                             
                                                            
65972 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS                              



A leprechaun stopped me today,                              
Shook my hand, and then went on his way.                    
He carried a sack                                           
Like a hump on his back;                                    
What was in it, he never did say.                           
                                                            
65973 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Ystap                    



A colleen from River Sullane,                               
Was screwed but was randy again.                            
While collecting peat                                       
Did a leprechaun meet,                                      
And even drove him quite insane!                            
                                                            
65974 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS                              



There once was a Leprechaun from Dublin                     
Whose sperm began gurglin' and bubblin'.                    
He wished on a clover                                       
That the gurglin' be over,                                  
But instead it turned green, that was troublin'.            
                                                            
65975 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a wee bonnie lass,                           
Who'd read Einstein as well as Laplace,                     
Used equations to prove                                     
That when leprechauns move,                                 
They have no gravitational mass!                            
                                                            
65976 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Prof M-G            T9711



One day on the Emerald Isle,                                
A leprechaun found me nubile.                               
When he reached for my fanny,                               
Said I, very canny,                                         
"Beat it, you old pedophile."                               
                                                            
65977 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Mr. Debutts         P9708



A colleen who loved to be seen                              
Sashayed to her mirror to preen.                            
She let out a cry,                                          
"Dear Jesus, Oh why                                         
Did that leprechaun turn my skin green?"                    
                                                            
65978 SUPERNATURAL - LEPRECHAUNS     Anon                     



A tentacular elder monstrosity                              
With poisonous and pungent viscosity,                       
Ingested a vicar                                            
On his setee of wicker,                                     
While displaying a most rude animosity.                     
                                                            
65979 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Pumilla and Wallace P8211



The Maid's piercing scream split the air                    
When they found what was left of his chair.                 
There were gobbets of ooze                                  
In his clothes, in his shoes,                               
And puddles all over the stair.                             
                                                            
65980 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Pumilla and Wallace P8211



That night one of Jeremy's bugs                             
Tried to give his sister some hugs.                         
She was drowned in the milk,                                
All covered in silk,                                        
But was later avenged by her slugs.                         
                                                            
65981 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Pumilla and Wallace P8211



Then Jeremy pondered his tomes,                             
While uttering astounding-type groans.                      
He was shut fast away                                       
For a night and a day,                                      
And a mysterious man claimed his bones.                     
                                                            
65982 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Pumilla and Wallace P8211



But the corpse returned from the grave                      
To get the revenge it so craved.                            
The murderer it slew,                                       
And flushed down the loo,                                   
Although that was simply depraved.                          
                                                            
65983 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Pumilla and Wallace P8211



Next day in the house on the hill,                          
They found William all stony and still.                     
On his flesh was inscribed                                  
How and why he had died,                                    
So they stood around reading the Will.                      
                                                            
65984 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Pumilla and Wallace P8211



Demonstrations by activist trolls                           
Involved flooding Newcastle with coals,                     
Starting nuclear war,                                       
And campaigning for Thor,                                   
Who endorsed their political goals.                         
                                                            
65985 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Melvin B. Lewis     P8312



You want to be all you can be?                              
If you ask for some help from me,                           
I'd add on some bits                                        
From my monster kits.                                       
Would you like the result you see?                          
                                                            
65986 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



A mad scientist lives in Kowloon;                           
He assembled a bride for this June,                         
From dead dogs and dead tarts,                              
(She has whiskers and farts).                               
You should hear those two howl at the moon!                 
                                                            
65987 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Allen Wolverton          



I've been building monsters again.                          
At last count I've finished ten.                            
This building's an art.                                     
I don't miss a part                                         
You *know* the ones I make are men!                         
                                                            
65988 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



In my 'frigerator I forage;                                 
Ain't nuthin' to eat but some porridge.                     
Might as well build men;                                    
I'm going to when                                           
I get all the parts out of storage.                         
                                                            
65989 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



The heads are 'cross town in a freezer,                     
That's watched by a little old geezer.                      
If some lady thief                                          
Tried to give him grief,                                    
The best he could do is yell "Seize her!"                   
                                                            
65990 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



Still, no one has bothered the heads;                       
Don't need more of those in their beds.                     
It's the other bits                                         
That do give me fits;                                       
They can't just be locked up in sheds.                      
                                                            
65991 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



I rent a meat-locker in case                                
I need to hide bits with no trace.                          
They look just like sausage                                 
I don't have much lossage,                                  
'Cause nobody steals from that place.                       
                                                            
65992 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



The arms, feet, the legs and the hands                      
I keep packed in with other glands.                         
For liver and heart,                                        
The ears and mouthpart                                      
I frequently use the off-brands.                            
                                                            
65993 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



Well, anyway, one of these days                             
I will give up my slothful ways.                            
I'll busily build,                                          
You'll all be so thrilled,                                  
To see what I mold from my clays.                           
                                                            
65994 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



Said an Ogre from old Saratoga,                             
"I've tried to de-Ogre by Yoga.                             
I've stood on my head                                       
All day in my bed,                                          
But the mirror still says I'm an Ogre."                     
                                                            
65995 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Conrad Aiken             



There was a young plebe Miskatonic,                         
Whose story is really ironic.                               
He read an old book,                                        
And took a good look,                                       
Now he's Cthulhu's high colonic.                            
                                                            
65996 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Bill Tigrak              



There was a Great Old One, Cthulhu,                         
Who wanted a trendy new hair-do.                            
Strange eons he spent                                       
With his tendrils all bent --                               
That he longed for an Afro, well, who knew?                 
                                                            
65997 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Andrew Nellis            



Dr. Jekyl announced with great pride                        
That he'd take the whole world for a ride.                  
He'd created a potion                                       
That stirred up emotion,                                    
And of course he had nothing to Hyde.                       
                                                            
65998 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Neal Wilgus         P8409



There once was a monster named Frank,                       
Who grinned when he saw his new crank.                      
But he fell from the mood                                   
When it all came unglued,                                   
When he first tried to give it a yank.                      
                                                            
65999 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        John Koger               



A naughty young goblin called Goot                          
Once went to a pub for a hoot.                              
The lap dancers show,                                       
Caused a stirring below,                                    
And his table was raised by a foot.                         
                                                            
66000 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Bellal                   



At a Halloween party in Bight                               
A man met a guy who was tight.                              
With a wink, he said, "Mary,                                
I see you're a fairy,                                       
But I bet you're a goblin tonight."                         
                                                            
66001 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Limericks Naughty & Gay  



Said Grendel, "Whoever they be,                             
My neighbors aren't my cup of tea --                        
Their parties go on,                                        
With harpsong till dawn,                                    
And what's worse, they never ask me.                        
                                                            
66002 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                            P9802



There once was a boy named Andrew;                          
He went to the bathroom to poo.                             
On the way there,                                           
He flew through the air,                                    
'Cause he didn't watch out for the grue!                    
                                                            
66003 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



A giant whose last named was Becker                         
Had just broken off his big pecker;                         
But the accident scene                                      
Was made tidy and clean                                     
When they hauled it off using a wrecker.                    
                                                            
66004 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Cap'n Bean          P9808



Last night I was guest at the Schmidts;                     
I left there scared out of my wits.                         
There were hideous shrieks,                                 
Framed pictures of freaks,                                  
And bathtowels marked "His," "Hers," and "ITS!"             
                                                            
66005 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        John Miller 0062         



There once was a monster named Clark,                       
Who scared me each day in the park.                         
But the park was all right,                                 
I could play there at night,                                
'Cause Clark was afraid of the dark.                        
                                                            
66006 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Night Lights Fights P9811



A visitor once to Loch Ness                                 
Met the Monster, who left him a mess.                       
They returned his entrails                                  
By the regular mails,                                       
But his sexual parts by express.                            
                                                            
66007 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                           G2034a



They say there's a thing in Loch Ness,                      
So forgive me now if I digress,                             
But there's nowt in the Loch                                
Save some fish, the odd rock,                               
But the Tourist Board needs the success.                    
                                                            
66008 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Richard Long             



If a big monster loses his head,                            
Well, it's hardly a thing to dread.                         
He can have it replaced                                     
And hardly lose face,                                       
And so nothing more need be said.                           
                                                            
66009 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Gunjan Saraf             



The Mad Scientist's great masterpiece                       
Came from parts of his nephew and niece;                    
With lips of dark purple,                                   
The stench of each burp'll                                  
Give family reunions no peace!                              
                                                            
66010 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



Mad scientist working away                                  
A-building her monster today.                               
She opened the trunk                                        
And Oh Boy! It stunk!                                       
She cleaned it up in the bidet.                             
                                                            
66011 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



She hustled it back to the table                            
To patch up as best she was able.                           
She stuffed in the guts,                                    
And stitched on some nuts,                                  
Then sewed on a enormous cable.                             
                                                            
66012 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



The plumbing she hooks up just right;                       
She next tacks the legs on real tight.                      
The arms she secures                                        
And her monster stirs,                                      
Which gives the poor doctor a fright.                       
                                                            
66013 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



She glues on the hands, yes, just two.                      
(She wants it to look just like you.)                       
The foot on the left                                        
Is looking bereft,                                          
Till she gets the right on on, too.                         
                                                            
66014 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



She sews her guy right up the middle;                       
She stops for a minute to fiddle.                           
That thing's on the rise,                                   
But that's no surprise.                                     
At least the big monster can diddle.                        
                                                            
66015 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



The head is the last thing attached                         
And finally the neck-bolts are latched.                     
Let's turn on the juice,                                    
And give him a goose!                                       
It's time that this baby was hatched!                       
                                                            
66016 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



Igor gives the monster a jolt                               
By hooking up his left neck bolt.                           
The body jerks once.                                        
Igor, you dunce!                                            
Kick that machine up one more volt!                         
                                                            
66017 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



With thunder and lightening and sparks,                     
A flash of electricity arcs --                              
His big screeching cry,                                     
The eternal "Why                                            
Have you left me with all these birth marks?"               
                                                            
66018 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



"Just look at these spots on my skin!                       
And stubble all over my chin!                               
I do need a shave,                                          
I look like a knave!                                        
It detracts from my handsome grin."                         
                                                            
66019 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



The doctor's head shakes with a sigh,                       
"I don't ask for too much, do I?                            
I thought this one was best --                              
He's just like the rest.                                    
Just why can't I build a tough guy?"                        
                                                            
66020 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



Lock this "monster" up with the others.                     
Tell him he is visiting brothers.                           
They'll gossip with glee                                    
Then they will want tea.                                    
I guess that I'll start on another.                         
                                                            
66021 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



This time I will start with the brain.                      
I'll hook it up with logging chain.                         
No stitches and glue,                                       
Just wire and a screw.                                      
I'll build something much less urbane.                      
                                                            
66022 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Marlene Lewis            



Our Mad Scientist got from a zoo                            
Novel parts for his bride; it is true.                      
While he stitched in each patch,                            
He adored her new snatch:                                   
An orangutang's ring-a-dang-doo!                            
                                                            
66023 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Allen Wolverton          



A problem did then manifest                                 
On this bride's voluptuous breast.                          
He got her a razor                                          
With blade like a laser                                     
To shave her grizzly, hairy chest.                          
                                                            
66024 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Michelle                 



These tough ape-hairs grow mostly between                   
Two big tits from a Hollywood queen;                        
Overwhelmed with delight,                                   
When he turns off the light,                                
The Mad Doctor sings "Goodnight Irene!"                     
                                                            
66025 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Allen Wolverton          



In the dark, Jacob's Ladder does arc;                       
And thw animal parts howl and bark;                         
Blue corona does ripple                                     
From each ponderous nipple;                                 
When you touch her, you draw a big spark!                   
                                                            
66026 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Allen Wolverton          



He was HERE, in the rain and the water,                     
But I didn't go boo like I oughter.                         
I didn't dare roam,                                         
But stayed right at home,                                   
Protecting my wife and my daughter.                         
                                                            
66027 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS                                 



What's it goes on four legs at the dawn,                    
Then on two legs, once noontide comes on;                   
Then ends up on three legs                                  
When the day's in the dregs                                 
And the light of the sun's almost gone?                     
                                                            
66028 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Robin K. Willoughby P8508



There once was a Teacher called Fox,                        
Who kept a rare thing in a box.                             
One night, as dawn broke,                                   
The creature awoke                                          
And ran off with his shoes and his socks.                   
                                                            
66029 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Michael Palin            



I once was afraid of the mummy;                             
His looks put lumps in my tummy.                            
I hid under the seat                                        
And it started to reek;                                     
And that's when I ran home to mummy.                        
                                                            
66030 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Joel Duncan              



Said the Sphinx, "Tell me, sir, if you can,                 
What walks on four legs at dawn's span?                     
Two legs 'neath noon's sun,                                 
And three when day's done?                                  
Hint: You die if you don't answer, man."                    
                                                            
66031 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Arthur Deex         P8508



The THING studied liberal arts,                             
And broke all the sweet maiden's hearts.                    
He perused their curriculum                                 
In order to tickle 'em.                                     
And now he's a Bachelor of Parts                            
                                                            
66032 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Jim Jambor          P9010



There was an old man from Quebec                            
Who had two heads on his neck.                              
One said to the other,                                      
"Are you me or my brother?                                  
The question has made me a wreck."                          
                                                            
66033 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Edwina Leer              



Each argued his case by degrees,                            
Till the bats formed around their belfries.                 
"Let's put on the shelf                                     
The question of self,                                       
And just order some take-out Chinese."                      
                                                            
66034 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        Tychicus                 



A young monster-maker named Frank-                          
Enstein, he came up with a prank.                           
Sew this foreskin, he did                                   
Connect to the eyelid,                                      
So that when it did wink, it did wank!                      
                                                            
66035 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS        John Bellhouse           



There once was a monster named Frank,                       
Who was made in an old fish tank,                           
Out of old bits and pieces                                  
Of uncles and nieces,                                       
And blood that came from the bank.                          
                                                            
66036 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  Gunjan Saraf             



The Mad Doc, with his wife none the wiser,                  
Made a love-hunk designed to surprise her;                  
He's dank, but  well hung;                                  
And speaks with forked tongue;                              
And the brain's from a White House advisor!                 
                                                            
66037 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



The Mad Scientist, cheap, I would say,                      
Made his Monster from things stashed away;                  
The external parts,                                         
Are covered with warts,                                     
And the  brain's from an (ugh!) MBA!                        
                                                            
66038 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



A scientist from dark Transylvania                          
Said, "I certainly hate to detain ya,                       
But my son Frankenstein                                     
Needs an ear and a spine,                                   
An I don't think their loss would much pain ya!"            
                                                            
66039 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  New Comic Limericks P9501



Young Frankenstein's robot invention                        
Caused trouble too awful to mention.                        
Its actions were ghoulish,                                  
Which proves it is foolish                                  
To monkey with Nature's intention.                          
                                                            
66040 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  Berton Braley            



A scientist called Frankenstein                             
Built a monster held together with twine.                   
Neither one was too nice,                                   
But their chase cross the ice                               
Will sent a great chill down your spine.                    
                                                            
66041 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  Neal Wilgus         P8409



Frankenstein's creation's a dolt;                           
He has gone and mislaid his bolt.                           
There's a hole in his neck;                                 
His head's gone by heck;                                    
The experiment's now at aholt.                              
                                                            
66042 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  Tony Burrell             



Now where can that wretched bolt be?                        
I saw it yesterday after tea,                               
When his leg fell in half                                   
And we lost his calf.                                       
Ah there, it's a substitute knee.                           
                                                            
66043 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  Tony Burrell             



A mad scientist, deeply depraved,                           
From dead bodies, a bride has now made;                     
From dead scraps and bone,                                  
Came her feminine zone;                                     
Only parts of it need to be shaved!                         
                                                            
66044 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



The Mad Scientist ranted and raved,                         
When his Van der Graaf gen misbehaved;                      
Corona did sizzle;                                          
His bride-hulk did fizzle;                                  
Her titties were both micro-waved!                          
                                                            
66045 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



Said mad Victor to Mad Doctor Larrow;                       
"Got male parts here; do check my wheel-barrow;             
There's a pud, here, to match                               
The most hard-to-fit snatch;                                
But the owners were not all straight-arrow!"                
                                                            
66046 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



The Bride of Frankenstein was a dish!                       
And the lonely monster got his wish.                        
No more solitaire,                                          
For now, as a pair,                                         
They can play forever, ghoul fish.                          
                                                            
66047 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  Guy Ben-Moshe            



Frankenstein's monster could sing;                          
What tune to our ears would he bring?                       
Maybe a blues number;                                       
Perhaps a sad rhumba                                        
Would come from the sin king of swing.                      
                                                            
66048 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK  Gunjan Saraf             



Doktar Frahnkensteen's creature's about,                    
So I heard the villagers shout.                             
My wife's on the run;                                       
She's looking for fun;                                      
And she heard his "shvan-stuka" is out.                     
                                                            
66049 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



Is it true that your wife is Frau Blucher?                  
When mentioned, the horses rebuke her.                      
For arousing a steed                                        
But refusing the deed                                       
When he said he would pay her in sucre*.  (sugar)           
                                                            
66050 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



I heard, just between me and you,                           
That 'blucher' is German for glue.                          
From my books there's no gleaning                           
That particular meaning --                                  
Can anyone say if it's true?                                
                                                            
66051 SUPERNATURAL - MONSTERS FRANK                           



A gesture (obscenely symbolical) --                         
She plucked some hairs (including follicle)                 
From her organ (sex)                                        
For Harry (her ex) --                                       
Served one in each drink (alcoholical).                     
                                                            
66052 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Jim Weaver Collection    



When a woman is horny, to fix 'er                           
There's a potion for men, and it licks her                  
Burning need in the twat,                                   
'Cause it sure hits the spot.                               
And the name of the tonic: elixir.                          
                                                            
66053 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



My mother said I never should,                              
With gypsy girls play in the wood.                          
But like any kid,                                           
That's just what I did,                                     
And did things that I never would...                        
                                                            
66054 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



I learned to bake hedgehogs in clay,                        
And how to skin rabbits, and May,                           
The long-legged vixen,                                      
My eyes most would fix on,                                  
And later fine games we would play.                         
                                                            
66055 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



We'd find us a nice shady glade,                            
She'd start to disrobe, and I prayed,                       
That when she had viewed                                    
Young Ogg in the nude,                                      
She'd reckon that I made the grade.                         
                                                            
66056 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



I rogered her three times or four,                          
But still the bitch screamed out for more.                  
Got in such a lather,                                       
That up came her father,                                    
And told of my pitiful score.                               
                                                            
66057 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



She kicked up a mighty commotion,                           
But daddy he had him a notion                               
To increase my powers,                                      
To stay up for hours,                                       
And mixed up a strange herbal potion.                       
                                                            
66058 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



The sight of it turned me quite pale,                       
It tasted like bad ginger ale,                              
It smells like the crap                                     
From a long-blocked sink trap,                              
But to satisfy girls it won't fail.                         
                                                            
66059 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



So come along folks, take my tip,                           
Close eyes, hold your nose, take a sip.                     
Compared with viagra,                                       
This stuff's like Niagara,                                  
And that just a holey pipe's drip.                          
                                                            
66060 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



So fellas, to maintain your mast,                           
The answer I have here at last.                             
OK it may killyer,                                          
But you'll have a pillar,                                   
Like you never had in times past.                           
                                                            
66061 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



So if with those girlies you're dallyin'                    
Get Roquard (TM) and you'll be a stallion,                  
Now you'll change the life,                                 
Of your girlfriend or wife,                                 
Send now, only five bucks a galleon... er gallon.           
                                                            
66062 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS                                  



I felt pretty lousy and troubled,                           
'Cause years had gone by since I cuddled.                   
You see, I'm a flop;                                        
The chicks just say 'stop'.                                 
Not one of them wants to be snuggled.                       
                                                            
66063 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



You know Thirty Seventh and Vine?                           
That pad at the end of the line?                            
Ths Gypsy lives there,                                      
With raven-black hair;                                      
Folks pay her to just read their mind.                      
                                                            
66064 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



I went in and gave her some money;                          
She looked at my hand and said "Funny!                      
I see what you need --                                      
Some miracle seed,                                          
In a pint of love potion, with honey."                      
                                                            
66065 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



"I mixed it last night, in due time!                        
You see on that label, that sign?                           
It's made just for you,                                     
If love's overdue;                                          
It's what I call Love Potion Nine."                         
                                                            
66066 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



I took it and opened it quick --                            
If only it would do the trick --                            
And make me a hero                                          
Instead of a zero,                                          
And let me have any I pick!                                 
                                                            
66067 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



I tilted my head and I drank                                
As much as I could, though it stank.                        
Like ink it was black;                                      
I didn't hold back,                                         
And down to my knees I then sank.                           
                                                            
66068 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



I lost all my sense of what's right;                        
I kissed everything that's in sight.                        
Oh, where was that Gypsy                                    
And why was I tipsy                                         
And why was the day black as night?                         
                                                            
66069 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



I ran out the door and tried kissing                        
And hugging, embracing, caressing,                          
Each person in sight                                        
In loving delight,                                          
Till a cop ran me in for resisting.                         
                                                            
66070 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



I almost might say I misspoke,                              
But I tell you, it's not a bad joke.                        
For now I do swear,                                         
I was in despair,                                           
When the bottle of potion it broke.                         
                                                            
66071 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



That Love Potion 'Nine' was all mine;                       
Just go to the corner of Pine,                              
Then find the last pad.                                     
Go buy what I had.                                          
But CAREFUL, it makes you go blind!                         
                                                            
66072 SUPERNATURAL - POTIONS         Matthew Montchalin       



A Troll stood by sadly for hours,                           
Near where'd been two shiny bright towers.                  
With hot tears in his eyes,                                 
He could not understand why,                                
But he hurt with the world's greatest powers.               
                                                            
66073 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Martin Calderwood        



Trolls come from lands far and near;                        
Through legends and myth they appear.                       
But right now, today                                        
To the great USA                                            
They wish comfort and love without fear!                    
                                                            
66074 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Martin Calderwood        



Besides, basement trolls are so kind;                       
Their actions and words are refined.                        
They're sweet little dollies,                               
And none of their follies                                   
Including picking on womankind.                             
                                                            
66075 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS                                   



Some say that all trolls deal in charms;                    
And are likely to do good folk harm.                        
But mine never do,                                          
For they smile the day through,                             
And greet me with wide open arms.                           
                                                            
66076 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Martin Calderwood        



I've heard said that trolls are no good,                    
'Cause they skulk under rocks and in woods..                
But mine stay at home;                                      
They prefer not to roam;                                    
And would say so, if only they could.                       
                                                            
66077 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Martin Calderwood        



A troll from under the bridge,                              
Took a walk to the top of the ridge,                        
Broke into my house,                                        
Startled my spouse,                                         
Then proceeded to clean out my fridge.                      
                                                            
66078 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Gearhart                 



It ate everything in my larder                              
And that was only for starters.                             
Then it ate Rover                                           
And my kitten Clover,                                       
Then went next door to the Carters.                         
                                                            
66079 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Gearhart                 



It ate everything on our block;                             
Barrel, lock and stock;                                     
Leaving nothing behind,                                     
Not a crumb did we find.                                    
This troll was becoming a cock.                             
                                                            
66080 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Gearhart                 



I called the local police station                           
To report and give a summation                              
Of what had occurred,                                       
But it seems they had heard                                 
All about our alarming situation.                           
                                                            
66081 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Gearhart                 



The National Guard had been                                 
Alerted and they'd soon be in,                              
To take out this troll                                      
That couldn't get full,                                     
No matter how much he'd eaten.                              
                                                            
66082 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Gearhart                 



The choppers soon swarmed in the air,                       
Firing and bombing everywhere.                              
They struck the troll down,                                 
Just outside of town;                                       
The carcass' stench none could bear.                        
                                                            
66083 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Gearhart                 



The body was dumped in a trench,                            
After dragging it on with a winch,                          
One county over.                                            
And that is why Dover                                       
To this day has that God-awful stench.                      
                                                            
66084 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Gearhart                 



Trolls are stuff of which legends are made,                 
If at home or out on a raid.                                
So if you're out there                                      
In the cold Scandia air,                                    
Be cautious but never afraid.                               
                                                            
66085 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Martin Calderwood        



There once was a troll named Jody,                          
Who had scales all over his body.                           
They were green; he looked sick.                            
He'd a very short dick.                                     
The bridge he lived under was shoddy.                       
                                                            
66086 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Jim Weaver Collection    



There once live a troll with a style                        
That used a very scary smile.                               
He had only one eye                                         
With breath like a pig sty.                                 
You could smell him for many a mile.                        
                                                            
66087 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Martin Calderwood        



My basement is no place to be;                              
The spiders and bugs make me flee.                          
The trolls are okay;                                        
With spiders they play.                                     
You'll have to live upstairs with me.                       
                                                            
66088 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Marlene Lewis            



My basement is harboring trolls.                            
They all have their own cubbyholes.                         
They wear hand-made clothes                                 
And flashy chapeaux;                                        
In their lives they have played many roles.                 
                                                            
66089 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Marlene Lewis            



My favorite has long black hair;                            
Her face and her form are quite fair.                       
She's crystal blue eyes                                     
And squat little thighs;                                    
With her there are none to compare.                         
                                                            
66090 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Marlene                  



Her large pointed ears are so sweet,                        
As are the toes on her big feet.                            
She's only got four,                                        
Trolls do not need more;                                    
I think that they look rather neat.                         
                                                            
66091 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS                                   



No brain is in her hollow head;                             
Her hair sprouts out of there instead.                      
She has a round tummy;                                      
Some might think that's crummy                              
But I think that she looks well-fed.                        
                                                            
66092 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS                                   



Ten li'l bitty trolls form her court                        
What brightly colored skins they all sport!                 
Blue, red, green and yellow                                 
And one rainbow fellow;                                     
Too bad that these guys are so short!                       
                                                            
66093 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Marlene                  



May I tell you of my sister Joyce,                          
Who also collected thses toys.                              
She went one-up by far                                      
'Cause she had a troll car,                                 
Which she called, I believe, a Trolls Troyce.               
                                                            
66094 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Tiddy Ogg                



I'm sorry you've only four toes.                            
Did your other one just decompose?                          
And as for your thighs,                                     
They're really that size?                                   
I'll tell you just what I propose.                          
                                                            
66095 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Marlene                  



My basement is harboring trolls.                            
They all have their own cubbyholes.                         
They wear hand-made clothes                                 
And flashy chapeaux;                                        
In their lives they've played many roles.                   
                                                            
66096 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS                                   



I also abhor asininity                                      
From trolls in the nearby vicinity.                         
They'll be learning their places                            
When I shoot in their faces,                                
Some loads that will taste of salinity.                     
                                                            
66097 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS                                   



Should we report trolls who cajole                          
With limericks, aimed to take toll                          
On gullible chicks,                                         
Desirous of dicks,                                          
By twat toters shamming a pole?                             
                                                            
66098 SUPERNATURAL - TROLLS          Travis Brasell           



There was a man from Transylvania,                          
Who married a vampire with dipsomania.                      
She sucked and he fucked,                                   
Until they were tucked,                                     
For she also had bad nymphomania.                           
                                                            
66099 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Jim Weaver Collection    



A novice and nun from St. Boyd                              
Were attacked by a vampire named Lloyd.                     
The nun, Sister Ross                                        
Screamed, "Show him your cross!"                            
The novice (foot stomp) -- "I'm annoyed!"                   
                                                            
66100 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        FCA                 T9712



Crawling from a hole, TROGLODYTE,                           
A brute just cruising for a fight,                          
On vampire did run,                                         
Who thought just for fun,                                   
To invite him back for a bite.                              
                                                            
66101 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Daniel Ford              



Be careful of what yo desire,                               
And never the undead admire.                                
With actions hematic,                                       
As well as dramatic,                                        
You regret what you know will transpire.                    
                                                            
66102 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Nicholas Knight          



The vampire said, "As for the flesh,                        
Every now and then I can enmesh                             
A slick chick--though not often--                           
Right out of her coffin.                                    
They're better, of course, when they're fresh."             
                                                            
66103 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        A. N. Wilkins       P9010



A Lesbian one day was had                                   
By a vampire, which wasn't so bad.                          
For the offspring liked blood                               
Sucked from pussy or pud                                    
And her bite merely tickled a tad.                          
                                                            
66104 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        John Miller              



Mrs. Drac shortly after her wedding                         
Was forced to wash all of her bedding.                      
Seems she'd been a virgin                                   
And Drac was no surgeon,                                    
So there'd been a bit of blood letting.                     
                                                            
66105 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



Count Dracula, lanky and slight,                            
And eschewing a heartier bite,                              
Was growing bulimic                                         
On victims anemic.                                          
He insisted on making it Blood Lite.                        
                                                            
66106 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



I went to a vampire dinner,                                 
And the deal that we made was a winner:                     
Before they could bite me,                                  
They had to excite me!                                      
I left with my blood awfully thinner.                       
                                                            
66107 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Ellen                    



"Okay, okay," shrieked the Vampire,                         
When his feet were held to the fire.                        
We can become bats!                                         
But for bloodsucking rats,                                  
You just seek out any ol' lawyer!                           
                                                            
66108 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



Two vampires, one male, one female,                         
Each evening would each each impale.                        
While one one would teeth,                                  
The one underneath                                          
Would activate their piece of tail.                         
                                                            
66109 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Irving Superior     P9011



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Bought large jars of blood in four cases.                   
"These will do fine                                         
While my fangs re-align,                                    
And I'll not touch my stock of carcasses."                  
                                                            
66110 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        FCA                 T9712



The creature conceived by Bram Stoker,                      
Was possessed of a huge mutton poker.                       
Through the night he would fly,                             
Find a pussy and try                                        
To hug her and lovingly stoke her.                          
                                                            
66111 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Jim Jambor          P9010



There was a detective named Tracy,                          
Who frequently acted quite spacey.                          
She met a young stud,                                       
Who drank only blood...                                     
Never happened on Cagney and Lacey.                         
(Cagney and Lacey - lady cop TV series of the 1980's)       
66112 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Stephanie Lutz           



Count Dracula, rude scallawag,                              
Remarked to the scrawny old hag,                            
"I'm off to the village                                     
For carnage and pillage --                                  
And I've no time for chewing the rag."                      
                                                            
66113 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Martin Wellborn     P9008



Vampires are immortal you see,                              
And just between you and me,                                
They might exist,                                           
But only in mist,                                           
So you're safe if you climb up a tree.                      
                                                            
66114 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Jo Skinner               



Said a cryptic old vampire named Mattie,                    
"I always try not to be catty,                              
But I've known old Count Drac,                              
He's not bad in the sack,                                   
Though inclined to be a bit batty.                          
                                                            
66115 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Ann Gasser          P9010



An actress who lived in Quebec                              
Had many love bites on her neck.                            
When they asked if she                                      
Dated Christopher Lee,                                      
She said, "It 'twern't Gregory Peck!"                       
                                                            
66116 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Frank                    



Said Vic Vampire, "The mortals are cra-                     
zy. Sleep at night, stay up all day.                        
And when one of them dies,                                  
Weird mortician guys                                        
Drain all of the good stuff away."                          
                                                            
66117 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Ann Gasser          P9010



My sweet Draculette was no Chaney 'n'                       
Her incisors were cute, not that painy 'n'                  
When through with my neck,                                  
Deep-throated my peck-                                      
Er, while humming a tune Transylvanian.                     
                                                            
66118 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Tutta Gioia              



Count Dracula had such adventures,                          
With those maidens he trapped in his wench-lures,           
But his neck biting bend-                                   
Ers, came to and end,                                       
As he aged and was fitted with dentures.                    
                                                            
66119 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Tiddy Ogg                



A nasty old vampire named Dracula,                          
Had habits really spectacula;                               
He drank by the keg,                                        
But 'twas pure Rh neg                                       
Red blood, to use the vernacula.                            
                                                            
66120 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        A P Cox                  



There once was a vampire named Dracula,                     
Whose habits exceeded spectacular.                          
After he made his kill,                                     
And had drunk up his fill,                                  
He would scrape up the blood with a spatula.                
                                                            
66121 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Tok Wei Yuan             



Count Dracula lived in a castle,                            
But he thought it too much of a hassle,                     
So he moved off to Britain                                  
And promptly was smitten                                    
By a girl who thought him an asstle.                        
                                                            
66122 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Neal Wilgus         P8409



The greatest of vampirs, Dracular,                          
However he died un-spectacular.                             
I seems that one night                                      
While taking a bite                                         
He missed and he punctured his jackular.                    
                                                            
66123 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Irving Superior     P9011



In Venice a vampire fed,                                    
On victims from bridge tops he bled,                        
Then cast in the canal,                                     
To a gondoliers yowl,                                       
"Why do drained Wops now fall on my head?"                  
                                                            
66124 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Bob Giandomenico         



While wielding with skill his new spatula,                  
Cooking eggs that he labeled "Spectaculah!"                 
And stifling a yawn,                                        
"I must breakfast by dawn,                                  
And it's pretty near sunup," mourned Dracula.               
                                                            
66125 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Hugh Clary               



All the girls here ain't fragile, I think;                  
I'm convinced that your blood they will drink;              
If you take on this bunch,                                  
They'll  eat you for lunch;                                 
I'll be pleased, but their farts will sure stink!           
                                                            
66126 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



Count Dracula was quite jejune.                             
He would warble a soprano tune.                             
And with an empty scrotum                                   
He still could deep-throat 'em,                             
(And his scrotum resembled a prune)!                        
                                                            
66127 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Jim Jambor          P9010



There is a number of vamps,                                 
That litter the streets of our camps.                       
These monsters that bite                                    
In the midst of the night,                                  
Even those who are little old tramps.                       
                                                            
66128 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        John Makin               



A faggoty vampire has said,                                 
"I rather enjoy giving head.                                
I don't care for blood,                                     
But give me a stud,                                         
And gladly I'll suck him, instead."                         
                                                            
66129 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Anon                     



The vamp gives the chickens a fright,                       
When they see him, they always take flight.                 
But there's one that he catches,                            
Whose jewelry he snatches,                                  
And he flies with his capon all night.                      
                                                            
66130 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



"Okay!  Okay!" shrieked the Vampire,                        
When his feet were held to the fire.                        
"I can turn into a bat!                                     
But for a bloodsucking rat,                                 
You have to seek out any lawyer."                           
                                                            
66131 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Marlene Lewis            



There once was a student named Jon,                         
About Vampires he went on and on.                           
"Vampires," he said,                                        
Really ought to be dead.                                    
Garlic ice cream will soon get them gone!"                  
                                                            
66132 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Jo Skinner               



A most craving vampire's boast                              
Was six pints of blood more than most.                      
When she came to this globe;                                
And she found one to probe--                                
He escaped, just by laying the ghost.                       
                                                            
66133 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Bill backe-Hansen   P9010



He married a sweet young vampire,                           
An insect-consuming nightflier.                             
He hated her cave,                                          
But remained her love-slave;                                
(Guano prices kept on going higher.)                        
                                                            
66134 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Jim Jambor          P9010



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Had a dentist, who said, "This replaces                     
Those teeth, badly angled,                                  
With a set of new-fangled,                                  
And you'll get entry in all the right places.               
                                                            
66135 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        FCA                 T9712



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Tried to keep rein on his chases.                           
With wily persistence                                       
For dental assistants,                                      
He left most unusual traces!                                
                                                            
66136 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Dbutt               T9710



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Took temporary employment at Macy's.                        
His ambition's to work                                      
As an IRS clerk --                                          
His bloodsucking background, the basis.                     
                                                            
66137 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        FCA                 T9712



Count Dracula said, with disdain,                           
"Your stories do not entertain.                             
Since I don't have all night,                               
Do you think that you might                                 
Tell one more in a jugular vein?"                           
                                                            
66138 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Pierce Evans             



Although it contains no surprise,                           
The vampire's account verifies                              
That he gained his technique                                
As a medic the week                                         
He drew blood in the war from GIs.                          
                                                            
66139 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        A. N. Wilkins       P9010



This is the terrible plight                                 
Of our friend, Nicholas Knight.                             
Since being a vampire,                                      
His life has been dire,                                     
So don't get too close, he may bite.                        
                                                            
66140 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Nicholas Knight          



There once was a vampire goof,                              
Who preyed from an old tavern's roof.                       
Every night a taste test,                                   
And the one he liked best,                                  
Was usually about 80 proof!                                 
                                                            
66141 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Ralph              TP9804



A vampire too long in the fang,                             
His tongue had a definite twang.                            
"Yee Haw!" he yells;                                        
"I like southern belles,                                    
'Cause rednecks are always my thang."                       
                                                            
66142 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Bonnie                   



Said the Count, "I like O, A, and B.                        
I don't care if you've got HIV.                             
I'll just give you a bite                                   
In the neck, in the night,                                  
Then you'll be a vampire like me.'                          
                                                            
66143 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Jim Weaver Collection    



He's sneaking through windows at night.                     
He's looking for ripe necks to bite.                        
He craves type AB;                                          
He'll not get it from me;                                   
I'm positive my O is light.                                 
                                                            
66144 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Marlene Lewis            



When two blood counts got switched, quid pro quo,           
By the labs for a new HMO,                                  
An anaemic old man                                          
Got a very high scan,                                       
And a vampire's was shockingly low!                         
                                                            
66145 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Prof M-G           TP9901



Instead of accepting senescence                             
The count drank the blood of the peasants.                  
He didn't get younger                                       
But staved off his hunger                                   
And made his old age much more pleasant.                    
                                                            
66146 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Gary Hallock             



There was an old vampire named Thad                         
Whom Buffy thought wasn't half bad.                         
She said "He's perverse,                                    
But biting is worse,                                        
And better, I don't need a pad."                            
                                                            
66147 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



Mrs. Drac shortly after her wedding,                        
Was forced to wash all of her bedding.                      
Seems she'd been a virgin                                   
And Drac was no surgeon,                                    
So there'd been a bit of blood letting.                     
                                                            
66148 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



A bunny just left, a real cutey!                            
Now another thing comes seeking booty;                      
Red fire in its eyes...                                     
Dripping fangs of great size...                             
Quick, Igor! A stake! Do your duty!                         
                                                            
66149 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        John Miller 0136         



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Was one of those rare dental cases;                         
Had two shillings, a dime,                                  
Three pence, a centime,                                     
And some crowns just to fill all the spaces.                
                                                            
66150 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Rick Limer          T9712



Count Dracula was heard to moan,                            
"I guess that I should have known...                        
I sucked all night in vain,                                 
On Mick Jagger's vein,                                      
But you just can't get blood from a Stone!"                 
                                                            
66151 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Tim Raptor               



Said famous blood-sucking Count D.,                         
"Here's something encouraging me.                           
Life's one piece of cake                                    
Where I've a big stake.                                     
But hope it has no stake in me."                            
                                                            
66152 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Armand E Singer       638



A really old vampire named "Tex"                            
Is "out for blood" and I suspects                           
He's not a nice guy.                                        
If he catches your eye,                                     
It's you who will likely be necks.                          
                                                            
66153 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



That rheumy old digger got off a bus,                       
Dropped him right near a sarcophagus...                     
He opened it wheezing,                                      
Then gasped after sneezing,                                 
When two vampires cried, "Don't you cough at us!"           
                                                            
66154 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Tutta                    



Though they like iron in  what they partake,                
One aversion they never can shake.                          
Of course they like meat                                    
Whenever they eat                                           
But your vampire will steer clear of steak.                 
                                                            
66155 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        A. N. Wilkins       P9010



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
To his sister cried, "Life has no basis!                    
When on an assignment,                                      
I'm out of alignment,                                       
With not just my teeth, 'cause I'm gay, Sis!"               
                                                            
66156 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        H Myers             T9801



Dracula must suck blood to live.                            
Fortunately, virgins have much to give!                     
He cuts through the tripe,                                  
Asks if they match his type,                                
And they respond with, "O Positive!"                        
                                                            
66157 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



My first Transylvanic affair,                               
Though legends had told me, "Beware."                       
She bit on my neck,                                         
So I, "What the heck,                                       
As long as she bites only there."                           
                                                            
66158 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Irving Superior     P9407



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Had teeth so crooked in places,                             
To his dentist he spake,                                    
"I want to go straight!                                     
My fangs catch my victim's necklaces!"                      
                                                            
66159 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        FCA                 T9712



"A promising vampire named Bud                              
Surprisingly turned out a dud,"                             
A colleague observed.                                       
"The youngster, unnerved,                                   
Passed out at the first sight of blood."                    
                                                            
66160 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        A. N. Wilkins       P9010



Said Dracula, "One thing annoys                             
Some vampires and dampens their joys,                       
For most are straight-laced                                 
About sexual taste                                          
And are outraged that I prefer boys."                       
                                                            
66161 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        A. N. Wilkins       P9010



The vampire said, giving a sneer,                           
"I'll tell you why nobody's here:                           
My friends have gone down                                   
To a graveyard in town                                      
In search of another cold bier."                            
                                                            
66162 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Norm Storer         P9507



There was an old vampire named Nick,                        
Who was in the head, a bit thick.                           
He wiffled and waffled,                                     
He diffled and daffled,                                     
And ended up staked with a stick.                           
                                                            
66163 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        L. D. Steele             



Drac's wife gnashed her fangs as she said,                  
"In the 600 years we've been wed,                           
Since you gave up all sex                                   
In your mad thirst for necks,                               
I take eager Igor to bed."                                  
                                                            
66164 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Ann Gasser          P9010



There once was a vampire named Bud,                         
Whose grave was down deep in the mud.                       
"It's become such a bitch                                   
To get out of this ditch,                                   
I should give up this damned taste for blood!"              
                                                            
66165 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Frank Ward          P9309



Don't choose Naples if you want to meet                     
Any vampires, because the retreat                           
From the air of the city.                                   
It isn't for pity                                           
But for all of the garlic folks eat.                        
                                                            
66166 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        A. N. Wilkins       P9010



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Would frequent the most sordid places.                      
A 'vestite', you see,                                       
Most known commonly                                         
As a lace-wearing leech that sucked faces.                  
                                                            
66167 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Rick Limer          T9710



There once was a young vampire sprout,                      
Whose fangs were all twisted about.                         
He said, "I am starving                                     
From this inside-out carving,                               
'Cause I put in more blood than get out!                    
                                                            
66168 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        King Ralph               



Velma Vampire had snoozed hours away,                       
In her crypt in her coffin all day;                         
For night's first bite she quaffed                          
Type "O" and then laughed,                                  
For dessert, I just must have type "A."                     
                                                            
66169 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Ann Gasser          P9010



A vampire whose teeth were too long,                        
Lisped his bite was surely quite wrong.                     
He'd bite underwear,                                        
Then he'd spit and he'd swear,                              
"I'd give my eyeteeth for a thong!"                         
                                                            
66170 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Marty Lewis              



A virile vampire from Fakenham                              
Chased virgins with the object of making 'em.               
He got down on all fours                                    
And pulled down their drawers,                              
And then rammed his penile stake in 'em.                    
                                                            
66171 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES                                 



A vampire, who sadly wore braces,                           
Green socks, blue shoes, and pink laces,                    
Plus a polka-dot shirt,                                     
A silk mini-skirt,                                          
And earrings in all the wrong places.                       
                                                            
66172 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Rick Limer          T9712



In taprooms, where ghouls brood all year,                   
The vampire roars with a sneer,                             
"My taste doesn't vary--                                    
A fresh bloody Mary!"                                       
While zombies moan, "We'll have a bier."                    
                                                            
66173 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Mark Levy           P9506



There was a gay vampire with pluck,                         
Who was a bit down in his luck.                             
He spied a cute lad                                         
Willing to be had,                                          
But wondered which end he should suck!                      
                                                            
66174 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        LOWCOO              T9712



Out to central Europe I drove,                              
Through Romania, the small byways wove.                     
I slept in a tent                                           
And awoke with a rent                                       
In my neck; I had no garlic cloves.                         
                                                            
66175 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Tiddy Ogg                



The vampire hunter who'd kill a                             
Sly one should consider Camilla.                            
Unscrupolous, black-                                        
Hearted (more so than Drac-                                 
ula mixed with Charybdis and Scylla).                       
                                                            
66176 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Ruth Berman         P8211



There once was a vampire named Al                           
Who joked and laughed with a gal.                           
Then with little regard,                                    
She squealed, "Al, you card,                                
You slay me!" And he said, "I shall."                       
                                                            
66177 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES        Don Moore           P9010



Young Sybil, a town council clerk,                          
Came late home one night, after work.                       
And said "Sorry mother,                                     
That old crow Fairbrother,                                  
Done made me work late, the dumb jerk."                     
                                                            
66178 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Ma nodded and then she cried: "Sybil!                       
It's no good to lie, any fib'll                             
Soon show, and by heck,                                     
Just look at your neck!                                     
Some lecher's been having a nibble!                         
                                                            
66179 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh ma, it's that strange new librarian,                    
He's Slovak or maybe Hungarian,                             
And some of these nights                                    
When moonlight shines bright,                               
He turns to a hairy barbarian.                              
                                                            
66180 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



So Syb tells his tale with much sobbin',                    
'Cause Ma won't allow any fobbin'.                          
"He worked for the RAF,                                     
Then just for a laugh,                                      
Went thieving... He's batman and robbin'.                   
                                                            
66181 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



"He now spent his leisure time clubbing,                    
And changed his career, choice to grubbing                  
For rodents and pests,                                      
As one of the best;                                         
His interests were ratman and pubbing.                      
                                                            
66182 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



"He told me his real name was Vlad,                         
And how he was terribly sad,                                
And then", Sybil told her,                                  
"With head on my shoulder,                                  
He gave me that bite there, real bad."                      
                                                            
66183 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Next morning the mother does wake,                          
Goes off to the butcher, Old Jake,                          
She buys her some beef,                                     
Then the town hall; the chief                               
Librarian's soon felled by that steak.                      
                                                            
66184 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



So that is the genuine account                              
Of Dracula, vampire-style count.                            
No doubt what you've heard                                  
Is much more absurd,                                        
But with telling, such errors do mount.                     
                                                            
66185 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



Young Sybil now wears a gold choker;                        
She married a wizard at poker.                              
Unlike the librarian,                                       
This stud she's a-marryin',                                 
Oft covers her ace with his joker.                          
                                                            
66186 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tiddy Ogg                



My cat was so warm and so bold,                             
But now he is clever and cold.                              
A bat tried to fight him;                                   
A vampire did bite him,                                     
And now he will never grow old.                             
                                                            
66187 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Matthew Montchalin       



His eyes now resemble red coals;                            
He baits mice right out of their holes.                     
He slinks through the night                                 
And shrinks from daylight;                                  
He act as if he has nine souls.                             
                                                            
66188 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Matthew Montchalin       



Though the youthful and lusty Miss Bount                    
Had struggled her fullest amount                            
Against Dracula's might,                                    
At the end of her fight,                                    
I hear she went down for the count.                         
                                                            
66189 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Hugh Clary               



And while she was down there, fear                          
Rose up in her chest; from the rear                         
Came Frankenstein's bolt,                                   
Which he shoved with a jolt,                                
Right into her arse like a spear.                           
                                                            
66190 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Mil8OC                   



Dracula's appetite's like a horse,                          
When he's into the rare red sauce.                          
His old sweet refrain                                       
Plays again and again;                                      
It's "Fangs For The Memory", of course.                     
                                                            
66191 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tony Burrell             



If you're one of the fine folks he knows,                   
You're split into A's, B's, and O's.                        
This guy is no sap;                                         
He like you on tap --                                       
A supply wherever he goes.                                  
                                                            
66192 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tony Burrell             



Bloodsucking's a bit of a pain;                             
It's inclined for relations to strain.                      
This guy is a pest,                                         
So guard your neck lest                                     
His passion is just lust in vein.                           
                                                            
66193 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Tony Burrell             



To get in a vampire/verse mood,                             
One month in the blood bank for food;                       
Two fangs had implanted;                                    
My smile downward slanted                                   
And she/victims fantasized nude.                            
I necked every lady I wooed.                                
66194 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Irving Superior     P9011



For chasers what Miller Lite brewed.                        
My mirror constructor I sued.                               
My license to fly I renewed.                                
My eyes on your jugular glued.                              
Bram Stoker on my chest tattooed.                           
Lugosi, his grave-site I strewed.                           
66195 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Irving Superior     P9011



Now that vampire penguins are here,                         
The fact is really quite clear,                             
That if this carries on,                                    
We'll all soon be gone,                                     
As the time when they eat us, is near!                      
                                                            
66196 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Jon Makin                



Vampire penguins do not exist.                              
This is a fact I think you have missed.                     
Penguins are nice                                           
And they don't eat rice,                                    
But they smell of fish when they're kissed.                 
                                                            
66197 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Jo Skinner               



Vampires never grow old;                                    
Some would this value like gold,                            
But crosses they fear                                       
And sunlight will sear                                      
Their flesh, or so we are told.                             
                                                            
66198 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Chris Pugh               



Just look at their picture and see,                         
Those fangs sure look scary to me.                          
For blood they are after,                                   
There's no place for laughter                               
When it's you that they want for their tea!                 
(you for tea and tea for you, it's me for you ..sorry - McW)
66199 SUPERNATURAL - VAMPIRES SERIES Chris Pugh               



A werewolf who called himself Hugh                          
Had a secret that nobody knew;                              
For, though he was hairy                                    
And really was scary,                                       
He'd faint at the sight of a shrew.                         
                                                            
66200 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Cap'n Bean               



There was an old werewolf named Mark,                       
Who hunted down girls in the dark.                          
As he'd lunge for an ass,                                   
He would scream at the lass,                                
"My bite is much worse that my bark!"                       
                                                            
66201 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



When the full moon is giving its glow,                      
The hair on this fellow will grow!                          
But you never will creep                                    
Up on him in his sleep,                                     
That's why he's aware-wolf, you know!                       
                                                            
66202 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



Is that the full moon I see?                                
That explains what is happening to me.                      
There's a howl in my throat,                                
And I'm growing a fur coat;                                 
If you want to survive, friends, then flee.                 
                                                            
66203 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



Than fiction, this true story's stranger.                   
He was once merely bland Bradford Granger.                  
Then he suffered a bite                                     
From a Werewolf one night.                                  
Who dispatched him? Who else, the Lone Ranger.              
                                                            
66204 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Loren C Fitzhugh         



There was a young student named Clarke,                     
Whose eyes glowed like a wolf's in the dark.                
When the moon was quite round,                              
He made a strange sound;                                    
A cross 'twixt a growl and a bark.                          
                                                            
66205 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Arthur Pattaffy          



Some men, when a full moon they see,                        
Will howl, rage and piss on a tree.                         
Or so the books tell                                        
And gals do as well;                                        
In this case, it's called PMT. (PMS for you merkins)        
                                                            
66206 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Tiddy Ogg                



All Hallow's Eve is so scary,                               
So small boys and girls, please be wary                     
Of corpses all bloody,                                      
And mummies all muddy,                                      
And werewolves with paws big and hairy.                     
                                                            
66207 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      J. Skellington           



On vacation, a young man from Slough,                       
Met a werewolf one day near Bilbao.                         
Though it left him for dead,                                
After eight weeks in bed,                                   
He says he's all right again nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!        
                                                            
66208 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Count Drac               



A werewolf whose name was Malone                            
Liked to dig up, then gnaw on a bone.                       
"His tastes were lupine,                                    
And now he's supine",                                       
Are the words carved into his headstone.                    
                                                            
66209 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



On the Moors, Kelly walked in a daze;                       
There she'd bark at the moon and the haze.                  
Still her friends weren't concerned,                        
For by now they had learned,                                
Once a month she would go through that phase.               
                                                            
66210 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Scott Hendricks          



When a feminist had an affair                               
With a moon-howling wolf, genus were,                       
She said, "Howl 'til you drop,                              
But just let me on top,                                     
And I won't criticize your bad hair."                       
                                                            
66211 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      William N Nesbit         



There once was a werewolf named Moore,                      
Who preferred entry via back door.                          
He said with a smile                                        
"I prefer doggy style.                                      
The human way now has me bored."                            
                                                            
66212 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Lars                     



If you think werewolves don't exist,                        
At sunset you should think of this:                         
At night be a"were"                                         
YOUR FACE HAS MORE HAIR;                                    
You may be a Lycanthropist.                                 
                                                            
66213 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Irving Superior          



A werewolf's young wife would harangue                      
'Bout hubby's fur covered red whang.                        
Cunnilingus is out                                          
Because of his snout --                                     
French kissing's banned 'cause of his fang.                 
                                                            
66214 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



A snazzy young lass named of Sadie                          
Had a lovelife the slightest bit shady.                     
For she dates a bookie                                      
Who nibbled her cookie,                                     
And on full moons she became a wolflady.                    
                                                            
66215 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Neal Wilgus         P8203



The warning came straight from the preachers,               
Of hairy night-prowling mean creatures,                     
With fiery red eyes                                         
And weird howling cries,                                    
That you'll know by their wolf-like wild features.          
                                                            
66216 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Bob Birch                



As a kid I recall that Claude Rains                         
Grabbed up one of his silver head canes;                    
Clubbing with it 'til spent,                                
To eternal peace sent                                       
Young Lon Chaney by bashing his brains.                     
                                                            
66217 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Loren C Fitzhugh         



An olde Werewolf, one Yanish Ballew,                        
Had regressed to his childhood it's true,                   
To the point where the pack                                 
Was quite taken aback.                                      
When attacking he'd howl, "Bites on you!"                   
                                                            
66218 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Loren C Fitzhugh         



There once was a girl with a coat                           
That looked like the fur of a goat.                         
She would go for a walk,                                    
And find someone to stalk,                                  
Then pounce and rip out their throat.                       
                                                            
66219 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Maggot              T9707



A killer who howled at the moon,                            
Exclaimed, one dark night in June,                          
"Indulge in trite rhymes,                                   
Concerning my crimes,                                       
And I'll scrape out your brains with a spoon."              
                                                            
66220 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Darrell Schweitzer  P9506



A buxom young woman named Mary                              
Made love with a man who was hairy.                         
When the full moon came up,                                 
She gave birth to a pup,                                    
But to nurse him was just too darn scary.                   
                                                            
66221 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



Lon Chaney once met Mister Hyde,                            
Who had the poor fellow tongue tied.                        
When Hyde asked "Is that hair                               
That you wear, wash and wear?                               
Or do you wear wolf just inside?"                           
                                                            
66222 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



The Wolfman eventually replied                              
I wash my hide, Hyde, just in Tide.                         
I'm a wash and wear wolf,                                   
Though I say so my sulf,                                    
My hide is a great source of pride.                         
                                                            
66223 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



And what of your trousers, perchance are                    
They off somewhere hiding?  Please answer.                  
For coming up soon,                                         
We will see a full moon.                                    
If you can't explain now, where your pants are.             
                                                            
66224 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES                               



There once was a wolf that was were;                        
His lifestyle, so free that was care.                       
But no silver missile                                       
Ensured his dismissal --                                    
Done in by a hug that was bear.                             
                                                            
66225 SUPERNATURAL - WEREWOLVES      Arthur Deex              



It is an unusual sensation,                                 
As your DNA undergoes mutation.                             
As your limbs rearrange,                                    
Your perspective seems strange,                             
As you head toward animalization.                           
                                                            
66226 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Tinbender                



Come closer, my Dear, if you dare,                          
And give me of your golden hair.                            
A wee little curl                                           
And a tooth like a pearl,                                   
Then I'll scare you to death; Lo!  Beware!                  
                                                            
66227 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



A "Hexer" I am, yes, that's true.                           
But listen, I'm not 'mong the few                           
Who need Brocken-nights                                     
To give you men frights;                                    
At home I stir black magic brew.                            
                                                            
66228 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



There once was a witch from St. Rose                        
Who hated the wart on her nose.                             
"I think you will find                                      
That true love is blind,"                                   
Said her date, a gnome with three toes.                     
                                                            
66229 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Treva Myatt              



Its Friday, the thirteenth as well;                         
We are all on our way to hell.                              
What do I hate?                                             
I'll tell you mate,                                         
Those witches and warlocks can't spell.                     
                                                            
66230 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



There was an old lady named Jean,                           
Who thought late October was keen.                          
She'd straddle a broom                                      
And run 'round the room,                                    
To celebrate Halloween.                                     
                                                            
66231 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Cyber Geezer             



A man, while drinking light Bud                             
Crashed his car with a sickening thud.                      
The car that he hit                                         
Had a Warlock in it.                                        
Now he lives as a frog in the mud.                          
                                                            
66232 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Tinbender                



A most inauspicious occasion                                
Did ravage a witch's conjuration.                           
She put crabs in her brew                                   
And some eye of newt too,                                   
Then she choked on her own incantation...                   
                                                            
66233 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



A little green witch in my closet,                          
While claiming that she did not cause it,                   
Just cackles with glee,                                     
At grumpy old me,                                           
Who's scrubbing some smelly deposit.                        
                                                            
66234 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



Old Cupid, that sonofabitch                                 
Obviously gives you that itch.                              
May I be of assistance                                      
In scratching? Resistance                                   
Is futile, cause I am a witch...                            
                                                            
66235 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



There lived a witch in a dark palace,                       
Who acted with unequaled malice.                            
Thus the fair queen                                         
To whom she was mean                                        
Sprouted an unsightly phallus.                              
                                                            
66236 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Jim Weaver Collection    



Three boys broke into the old house,                        
Whose owner had left to carouse.                            
They found a spell book                                     
And they just had to look;                                  
They left as a dog, gnat and grouse.                        
                                                            
66237 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Tinbender                



Because I will cook a nice stew                             
Of magic and pieces of you,                                 
I will add some red wine,                                   
so it may taste real fine;                                  
Come eat without further ado!                               
                                                            
66238 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



They used to be husband and wife;                           
Now he's finally out of her life.                           
Why does the witch care                                     
If he has an affair,                                        
With her next-door-neighbor, Anne Fyfe?                     
                                                            
66239 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



She's like something from out of a tomb;                    
I regret ever being her groom.                              
I don't get any lovin';                                     
She's part of a coven.                                      
My ex-wife's other car is a broom.                          
                                                            
66240 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



Well, at least, when your car throws a rod,                 
You can get a new engine, but, Gawd!                        
The exhaust manifold                                        
On a witch costs much gold;                                 
Hope her farts don't ignite, burning straw!                 
                                                            
66241 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



There once was a Halloween cat,                             
Who lived in an old witch's hat.                            
She ate eye of kid,                                         
Lapped up tongue of squid,                                  
And the teensy small toes of the bat.                       
                                                            
66242 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Vertech Limerick Contest 



The witch lives in her cold lonely room;                    
Pride of place is for her trusty broom.                     
It is computerised,                                         
Custom made for her thighs,                                 
And has headlights to light up the gloom.                   
                                                            
66243 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Arthur Pattaffy          



The man was bewitched by a witch.                           
He cried out, "She has put a hitch,                         
In my get-along!"                                           
That's not all that's wrong --                              
She gave him a case of jock itch.                           
                                                            
66244 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



There once was a nasty old witch,                           
Who developed a genital itch.                               
And what's even worse,                                      
She then got the curse,                                     
Which, for a witch, is a switch.                            
                                                            
66245 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Sylvia Honig             



I wanted to turn into toads                                 
Lots of people, in fact loads.                              
I asked witch advice,                                       
But they were not nice,                                     
Dressed up in their gucci robes.                            
                                                            
66246 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



The sisters of lust, they will taunt --                     
Those succubi who will haunt                                
Your dreams night and day                                   
In every which way,                                         
And do all perversion you want.                             
                                                            
66247 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Arden                    



There once was a man from Nantucket,                        
Who was poaching fish near Pawtucket.                       
He found himself wishing                                    
To spend his life fishing,                                  
And wound up in his minnow bucket.                          
                                                            
66248 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Tinbender                



I'm haunted by covens of witches                            
(Lacivious naked young bitches).                            
On closing my eyes,                                         
They materialize                                            
And cause havoc inside of my britches.                      
                                                            
66249 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Peter Wilkins            



Her spouses head totally bare,                              
Jeannie grew tired of the glare.                            
Though he still walks on two,                               
The wish that she blew,                                     
Made her Jeannie with the light brown hare.                 
                                                            
66250 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Tinbender                



Down in the Pit of Despair,                                 
Young Danny, he got a big scare.                            
A witch told him, "Soon,                                    
You'll look like a baboon,                                  
And live with a travelling fair."                           
                                                            
66251 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Anon                     



The wizard, the moment he smelled her,                      
Fell in love with the witch Esmerelder,                     
And obsessed with the notion,                               
Tried to copy her potion,                                   
But his formula failed -- it repeled her.                   
                                                            
66252 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Cyber Geezer             



A female magician, a blonde,                                
Would do tricks with any man's wand.                        
She'd sit on his spear,                                     
Make it disappear,                                          
Emerging a thin bendy frond.                                
                                                            
66253 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Tiddy Ogg                



After abstinence of half a year,                            
I could fuck every dick that comes near.                    
If he wonders about                                         
Eagerness, I would shout:                                   
"Mating season for witches, my dear!"                       
                                                            
66254 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



I went to Witch Hazel's Sex Coven,                          
For thirteen nights of heated lovin'.                       
I asked, "How'd your twat                                   
Get so very hot?"                                           
Said Hazel, "My microwave oven!"                            
                                                            
66255 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Travis Brasell           



Old Charlie, a genetic diluter,                             
Built a lover with his new computer.                        
He cloned, through a flaw,                                  
His mother-in-law,                                          
And now has a witch as a suitor.                            
                                                            
66256 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Bob Tucker               



They're no longer burning in Salem.                         
The neighbors don't want to inhale 'em.                     
The judge, forsooth, saying                                 
"Next time for soothsaying,                                 
We'll hang or to crosses, we'll nail 'em.                   
                                                            
66257 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Irving Superior     P850A



At cooking, I'm doing quite well,                           
But don't ask me to cast a spell.                           
They come out all wrong                                     
And they take far too long;                                 
My food is the best way to Hell.                            
                                                            
66258 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



A wiccan was called Screamingwitch,                         
One night she fell into a steaming ditch.                   
She didn't recover                                          
Until all the other                                         
Wiccans went down on the creaming bitch.                    
                                                            
66259 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Talesin                  



You think I descend from a goat?                            
Or she of whom T Pratchett wrote?                           
That witch loved her booze,                                 
And Pratchett gives clues,                                  
That she'd also known many a choat.                         
                                                            
66260 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



I'm a witch and I'm ready to leave,                         
Trick or Treating on All Hallows Eve.                       
I will not be scared,                                       
And the candy's not shared;                                 
If I eat it all, I will heave!                              
                                                            
66261 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Courtney Mahler     T9710



A little bat wing in the stew,                              
An elephant's testicle, too.                                
Some hair of the dog,                                       
A crocodile's log,                                          
And I have made dinner for you!                             
                                                            
66262 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



There was a small store at the mall,                        
Far down a little-used hall.                                
If your life needs a change,                                
You might find it strange;                                  
Spells-R-Us will answer the call.                           
                                                            
66263 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Tinbender                



There was a wild witch of the West                          
Who thought that her spells were the best.                  
So she challenged her friend                                
To a duel to the end.                                       
'Twas a spelling bee laid her to rest.                      
                                                            
66264 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



Your girl sounds a bit of a bitch;                          
You sure that she is not a witch,                           
With a long pointy hat,                                     
And a matching black cat.                                   
With her you will never get rich.                           
                                                            
66265 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Mushroom                 



The three old witches of Kent                               
Took a man down into their tent.                            
The three dirty bitches                                     
Then pulled down his britches,                              
And jumped on his cock 'til it bent.                        
                                                            
66266 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Anon                     



An attractive young witch from South Ken                    
Had a penchant for very large men.                          
While cruising the road,                                    
She picked up a toad,                                       
Which she kissed, and turned into Big Ben.                  
                                                            
66267 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Jim Weaver Collection    



I decided to start a witch hunt                             
And to include warlocks in front.                           
I thought it a laugh,                                       
'Til I fell neatly in half;                                 
The bastards had turned me to cunt.                         
                                                            
66268 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



Said a witch to the mirror on the wall:                     
"Am I still the most ugly of all?"                          
But before the mirror spoke,                                
The glass cracked and then broke,                           
In a voiceless affirmative call.                            
                                                            
66269 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         William N. Nesbit   P9610



A spooky old guy they called Enus                           
Was thought to be in the Witch genus.                       
They burned him with glee.                                  
Their proof was, you see,                                   
A wart on the end of his penis.                             
                                                            
66270 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



Please help!  I'm catching the bug,                         
That wicked old witch did unplug.                           
I'm trying to fight it,                                     
But my sword cannot sight it.                               
Please Merlin!  A magical drug!                             
                                                            
66271 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         R Wayne Porter           



While out dousing for water all day                         
The fresh water diviner would say,                          
"Being a water witch                                        
Is a son of a bitch,                                        
With your rod twitching every which way.                    
                                                            
66272 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9603



"I'm a water-witch moistly incurable,"                      
Wept old Anna Liffey, the plurabelle.                       
Come, Golden Gate span,                                     
Be my arch angel man,                                       
And as lengthy and strengthy and durable.                   
                                                            
66273 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Conrad Aiken             



Wicked witches have wishes of riches,                       
Or to chasten young children with switches;                 
If those avaricious                                         
Met the ones who are vicious,                               
Which witches wished which wicked wishes?                   
                                                            
66274 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



An ethnologist, Henrik van Bynum,                           
Had a long black robe made, with a fine hem.                
Off to coven he rode,                                       
To notate some old mode,                                    
Muttering, "Hell, if you can't Wiccam, join 'em."           
                                                            
66275 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES                                  



Wily Wiccans, skins blackened by coal,                      
Chanted modal songs on a knoll,                             
When a scolar named Hite                                    
Chanced upon their odd rite,                                
They transformed him into a small troll.                    
(Wiccans - modern church of white magic)                    
66276 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Jim Weaver Collection    



"Well this is the night, dark and eerie",                   
Said the witch to the zombie, her dearie.                   
"Since you've come from the dead,                           
We now can be wed."                                         
The ghoul then did try hari-kiri.                           
                                                            
66277 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES         Vertech Limerick Contest 



Air traffic control suffered grave glitches                 
In Germany's skies, for the witches                         
Last night flew to Brocken                                  
In search of good cock and                                  
We guys had great fun with the bitches.                     
                                                            
66278 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Dirruk                   



A witch, rather lacking in class,                           
Liked to fly through the church during Mass,                
Till one day Bishop Mosier                                  
With a swing of his crosier,                                
Knocked the silly witch flat on her ass.                    
(crosier - bishop's staff)                                  
66279 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  William N. Nesbit   P9610



A Halloween witch sang a tune,                              
As she boarded her broom for the moon.                      
This is quite a sad tale;                                   
When she started to sail,                                   
She slipped and dropped splat on Rangoon.                   
                                                            
66280 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Vertech Limerick Contest 



My grandma was burned as a witch,                           
For it seems she often would switch                         
Her mop for a broom,                                        
And off she would zoom--                                    
To cavort without wearing a stitch.                         
                                                            
66281 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Darrell Schweitzer  P9506



Late at night, the witch saw a vandal                       
Destroying her Halloween candle.                            
The act made her fume!                                      
In pursuit on her broom,                                    
Quite angry, she flew off the handle!                       
                                                            
66282 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Observer                 



Esmerelda, the witch from the west                          
Put her fancy new broom to the test                         
She mounted-up with glee,                                   
Flew right into a tree,                                     
And that was the end of her quest.                          
                                                            
66283 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING                           



Her sister, the bitch from the east,                        
Showed her slitch to a hungry old beast.                    
He caught her and bit her                                   
Then spit out her titter.                                   
Her quest came to rest at yon feast.                        
                                                            
66284 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING                           



A witch, with un-witchly demeanor,                          
Flies around on a used vacuum cleaner,                      
Every Halloween night                                       
To cause panic and fright.                                  
But she flies so damn fast, no one's seen her.              
                                                            
66285 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  William N. Nesbit   P9610



An old witch, Emma-ugly-as-sin,                             
Loved to fly with her fat grimalkin;                        
But she's grounded of late,                                 
By the aggregate weight                                     
Of the cat, and the wart on her chin.                       
                                                            
66286 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  William N. Nesbit   P9610



There once was a witch who would fly                        
On a broom through a starry sky.                            
Then the broom handle broke                                 
And her black cat awoke                                     
And there on the ground they did lie.                       
                                                            
66287 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Amanda Henard      TP9807



The night, dark and still as a tomb,                        
Was disturbed by a loud sonic boom,                         
When the witch, Grossest-yet,                               
Had a modern ram jet                                        
Installed on the back of her broom.                         
                                                            
66288 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  William N. Nesbit   P9610



Here was an old witch named Mean Molly,                     
Who thought swooping dogs was real jolly.                   
Her broom broke. Kersplat!                                  
And she lost her black hat,                                 
Now Molly is riding the trolley.                            
                                                            
66289 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING                           



A librarian, H. Graham Wells,                               
Thought someone was ringing his bells,                      
When a witch on a broom                                     
Fell into his room                                          
And asked for a good book on spells.                        
                                                            
66290 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING                           



When frost on the pumpkin is nipping,                       
And apple-jack's ready for sipping,                         
Witches sans panties,                                       
Fly broomsticks (no man-tease),                             
For traction in action, no slipping!                        
                                                            
66291 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING                           



There was a junior witch christened "Doom,"                 
Who was learning to ride on her broom.                      
She cried aloud: "Watch!"                                   
As the broom hit her crotch,                                
And she zoomed all over the room.                           
                                                            
66292 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Thomas Ratliff      P0304



Through the heavens, Discovery zooms,                       
While excorted by witches on brooms,                        
Who were sent in to chase                                   
It from Halloween space;                                    
To protect secret spells, one assumes!                      
                                                            
66293 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Prof M-G                 



Once a witch with a wart on her nose,                       
And with runs in her pantyhose,                             
Went and traded her broom                                   
For a Hoover vacuum.                                        
Where she hoovered to, nobody knows.                        
                                                            
66294 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  William D Robinson       



Sometimes young Dee's eyes simply glow                      
At dusk when the sky's indigo,                              
And then she will hide --                                   
Maybe take a ride --                                        
My broomstick's now got vertigo!                            
                                                            
66295 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING                           



While seated alone in my room,                              
I was disturbed by a loud sonic boom.                       
Getting up from my seat,                                    
And running out in the street,                              
I saw a fast flying witch on a broom.                       
                                                            
66296 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a Salem, Mass witch,                         
Who got mired on her broom in a ditch.                      
She yelled out a curse,                                     
As she tried to reverse.                                    
"Goddammit, this ditch is a bitch?"                         
                                                            
66297 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Thomas Ratliff      P0302



There was a slight man from Belize,                         
Who'd take off in a regular breeze.                         
He'd just look around,                                      
As his feet left the ground;                                
He'd not fly too high or he would freeze!                   
                                                            
66298 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES FLYING  Arthur Pattaffy          



I wanted to sweep up today                                  
And couldn't find where my broom lay.                       
I looked all around,                                        
It couldn't be found;                                       
And neither could Deasil all day!                           
                                                            
66299 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



After lunch the cat gave a big squawk                       
And I found I was missing a fork.                           
I heard Widdy laugh (Widdershins)                           
And a moo from the calf.                                    
At questions I think I shall balk!                          
                                                            
66300 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



There's just this one dirty great toad                      
Which I found out there in the road                         
It was bringing a mouse                                     
Back into the house                                         
And off to the milk bowl it strode!                         
                                                            
66301 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



And Dea is now muttering and pointing                       
At Wid who I think she's anointing                          
About a familiar                                            
Or something quite similiar                                 
And now she is saying "disjointing"                         
                                                            
66302 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



For she has come back with the broom                        
I know t'wasn't up in her room                              
She weren't in the street                                   
Or using her feet                                           
And the broom is now needing a groom!                       
                                                            
66303 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



I dont know what Kids do today;                             
This stuff seems much more than just play                   
They are not yet three                                      
And yet I can see                                           
Already they're starting to stray!                          
                                                            
66304 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



From Salem to Cape Cod's far reaches,                       
Stretches miles and miles of nice beaches.                  
Many witches contrive                                       
To be buried alive                                          
Of "sandwiches", the historian teaches.                     
                                                            
66305 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Marlene                  



An evil old woman from Preswich                             
Said, "I feel just like a sandwich."                        
Squashed under a door,                                      
Piled by rocks by the score;                                
Suffocation's the fate of a pressed witch.                  
                                                            
66306 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Marlene                  



In England, but ten miles away                              
From the town that I live in today,                         
Some centuries past,                                        
There resided the last                                      
Of the Witch Finder Generals, they say.                     
                                                            
66307 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Peter W                  



Now Witch Finder Generals were paid                         
To find widows or any old maid                              
who kept broomsticks and cats                               
And cooked bat wings in vats,                               
While they muttered or mumbled and prayed.                  
                                                            
66308 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Peter W                  



If they uttered a curse or a spell,                         
They were ducked in a river or well.                        
If they drowned, well OK.                                   
If they surfaced, then Hey!                                 
That just proved they were guilty as hell.                  
                                                            
66309 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Peter W                  



In America drowning was spurned                             
And very few witches were burned.                           
Hanging was their fate                                      
But then 'twas too late                                     
To inquire if a lesson was learned.                         
                                                            
66310 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Marlene                  



"Oh Mirror what 'angs on the wall!                          
Say who is the fairest of all;                              
Who's gentle and kind                                       
And truly refined.                                          
You're smashed if you make the wrong call."                 
                                                            
66311 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Now mirrors that talk are quite rare,                       
And children, there wasn't one there;                       
Just ventriloquist Mike                                     
Who'd say what he'd like;                                   
To otherwise do, he'd not dare.                             
                                                            
66312 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



But life in that mirror-baked cell                          
Was getting to feel like a hell.                            
He'd been at the scotch,                                    
And this day he'll botch                                    
The job, when she asks him, he'll yell...                   
                                                            
66313 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



"It ain't you, you warty old hog!                           
The fairest is Ermintrude Ogg.                              
There ain't no lass cuter;                                  
She's fitted with hooters                                   
That makes boys jack off in the bog."                       
                                                            
66314 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



So what happens next?  The old bitch                        
Trolls out for to find her a witch,                         
To conjure a spell                                          
Giving Ermintrude Hell...                                   
It worked with no hint of a hitch.                          
                                                            
66315 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



She couldn't change Trudi's angelity,                       
So cursed her instead with fidelity,                        
To husband so hideous                                       
One Oggimus Tiddeus,                                        
Who rendered her life utter hellity.                        
                                                            
66316 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



From witchcraft I now have retired;                         
My license for magic expired.                               
Can't afford to renew                                       
Till two thousand and two;                                  
I have fired the coven I hired!                             
                                                            
66317 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Jean Fox                 



Of course, I have friends in the trade,                     
So if there's a spell I need made,                          
Someone will be willing                                     
For one silver shilling,                                    
To rush to my side with her aid!                            
                                                            
66318 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Jean Fox                 



The stories of witches abound;                              
There's plenty 'round her to be found.                      
Like our own Mary Dore,                                     
Whom I'd love to know more,                                 
Who could turn into owl, cat, or hound.                     
                                                            
66319 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



One other such witch was old Liddy,                         
From out in the Wallops, this biddy                         
Was shot, as a hare,                                        
Escaped, then spied there                                   
Plucking shot from her shoulder, poor Liddy.                
                                                            
66320 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Now those in the know all maintain,                         
With silver, a witch may be slain.                          
Load gun with such bullet,                                  
Grasp trigger and pull it,                                  
And she'll not be seen e'er again.                          
                                                            
66321 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



To rid witch Kate Hunt from the town                        
Of Cuthridge, they sliced a half-crown;                     
In firearm 'twas loaded                                     
And duly exploded;                                          
A white hare was thereby brought down.                      
                                                            
66322 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Next morning some fellows, the bolder                       
And younger, though warned by those older,                  
Crept 'round to Kate's house.                               
As hushed as a mouse.                                       
She'd died from a wound in her shoulder.                    
                                                            
66323 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



Now you may think this is all baloney,                      
That witches can't turn into coneys.                        
But all this is true;                                       
I'll prove it to you,                                       
That all that above isn't phoney.                           
                                                            
66324 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



We've got such a witch down our street,                     
And I'd rather keep the crone sweet,                        
To give me her bless-                                       
Ing, and not cause distress,                                
So I leave her out something to eat.                        
                                                            
66325 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



By morning the plate is cleaned flat;                       
So what do you say about that?                              
And oft, down the drive                                     
I've seen her arrive,                                       
Disguised as a fox or a cat.                                
                                                            
66326 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



I'll tell you of Mary McPherson,                            
A sorcerer once put a curse on.                             
She wanders the globe                                       
Taking any man's probe;                                     
Of curses there must be a worse 'un.                        
                                                            
66327 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



The spell, it was hard to concoct,                          
For her chastity belt, it was locked.                       
With a wave of his wand                                     
Release her from her bond,                                  
And now Mary is truely well cocked!                         
                                                            
66328 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



This week I'll be an ugly crone,                            
In the St. Louis central time zone.                         
They picked the right bitch,                                
To play The Wicked Witch,                                   
My talents for this are well known.                         
                                                            
66329 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



For work we will put on a show,                             
So off to St. Louis we'll go.                               
I'll fly on my broom,                                       
To bring Dorothy gloom;                                     
I'm quite good at this, don't you know.                     
                                                            
66330 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES                           



May I suggest eye of the newt,                              
Toad warts and dried mandrake root,                         
The piss of a lizard,                                       
Some fresh dragon gizzard,                                  
Stirred in a stinky old boot?                               
                                                            
66331 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Karen                    



I'm checking my pantry right now.                           
I'm curious, please tell me how                             
You get fresh gizzard?                                      
Mine's from a wizard                                        
Who only sells dried anyhow.                                
                                                            
66332 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Marlene                  



My favorite recipe in the book                              
Requires a featherless rook,                                
Boiled with two frogs,                                      
And three skinned groundhogs.                               
It's written in gobbledygook.                               
                                                            
66333 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Marlene                  



My birth on the twenty-third Dec.,                          
(Right next to the summer solstice)                         
It made me a druid,                                         
The Earth needs its fluid --                                
Poured wines a oblation, not mess.                          
                                                            
66334 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Archie                   



I have this particular itch;                                
My wife, she is such a witch                                
And oh, what a hoot!                                        
She might have to toot.                                     
She's developing some type of twitch!                       
                                                            
66335 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  CT                       



If she's got an itch in her snatch,                         
I'm sure you can come up to scratch.                        
And if that doesn't do,                                     
I'm sorry but you                                           
And she both, must have lice in the thatch.                 
                                                            
66336 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tiddy Ogg                



His witch of a wife, I assume,                              
Is twitching because her own groom                          
Can't scratch his own itch,                                 
While she's found her niche                                 
And is riding a long-handled broom.                         
                                                            
66337 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Travis Brasell           



Those wizards have tall pointy hats                         
To prevent landings by flying bats,                         
On top of their head                                        
While sitting in bed,                                       
And thereby frightening their cats.                         
                                                            
66338 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Tony Burrell             



The wizard hats ain't what they seem;                       
Why, out of the top shoots a beam                           
Of miss tickle might.                                       
They wiggle just right,                                     
Bringing fuition to a gal's dream!                          
                                                            
66339 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Cyber Wizard             



They're all weather wear, those hats too,                   
Expanding the envelope two.                                 
They're Kevlar, Thinsulate,                                 
And a fine copper grate,                                    
Amplifying brain waves we want to.                          
                                                            
66340 SUPERNATURAL - WITCHES SERIES  Cyber Wizard             



My aunt when she was young,                                 
Took up smoking for fun.                                    
Now her hacking and wheezing                                
Are very displeasing.                                       
Why she occasionally brings up a lung!                      
                                                            
66341 TOBACCO - BAD                  Magunda                  



It sure made the IRS sore,                                  
When he said, "I will pay you no more!                      
I've paid to the max                                        
in tobacco tax --                                           
You can audit my humidor."                                  
                                                            
66342 TOBACCO - BAD                  J Eubanks and S Martin   



I went out to eat at McDonald's                             
'Cause I always thought that old Ronald (that bloke!)       
Would surely protect me                                     
And never neglect me                                        
By making me breathe his McSmoke.                           
                                                            
66343 TOBACCO - BAD                  Jim Weaver Collection    



"If the new regulations prevail                             
In Federal Buildings," said Gale,                           
"They may still permit folks                                
Who want to, to smoke                                       
As long as they do not exhale."                             
                                                            
66344 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P8607



There was a tobacconist named Dinah                         
Who opened her store for a mynah.                           
"Want cigarettes!" said the bird.                           
"But haven't you heard?                                     
It's illegal to sell to a mynah."                           
                                                            
66345 TOBACCO - BAD                  Henry Mucha              



You don't have to be a detective                            
To know cigarettes are defective.                           
But smokers ill health                                      
Brought Tobacco such wealth,                                
It took years for a jury's directive.                       
                                                            
66346 TOBACCO - BAD                  Prof M-G                 



Its nature is hard to define.                               
Its effects are both good and malign.                       
It can kill living men,                                     
But when smoking again                                      
Is a thing which can cure slaughtered swine.                
                                                            
66347 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P8808



An obstinate smoker named Bart                              
Would smoke till it troubled his heart.                     
He said, in a huff,                                         
As he took his last puff,                                   
"I will smoke until death do us part."                      
                                                            
66348 TOBACCO - BAD                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2435



Said the son of a preacher, young Brad,                     
"If the Lord God made everything, dad,                      
And as I've understood,                                     
Pronounced everything good,                                 
Just how, then, can smoking be bad?"                        
                                                            
66349 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P8808



"What we need," said a non-smoker wise,                     
"Is to give men who puff, a surprise.                       
We must give them a smoke,                                  
So they'll gag and they'll choke,                           
And they'll drop dead around us like flies."                
                                                            
66350 TOBACCO - BAD                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2932



One jury has made it a rule,                                
Which the plaintiff's attorneys term cruel                  
And extremely provoking;                                    
If you kill yourself smoking,                               
You're just eighty percent of a fool.                       
                                                            
66351 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P8808



There were noises of choking and croaking.                  
It wasn't a subject for joking.                             
Men looked with despair                                     
Through the poisonous air,                                  
When they saw Mt. Vesuvius smoking.                         
                                                            
66352 TOBACCO - BAD                  Laurence Perrine    P8808



The heavy pipesmoker MacBeth                                
Was wheezing to draw one more breath.                       
But no air could he get,                                    
And the fate that he met,                                   
Was far worse than the fate worse than death.               
                                                            
66353 TOBACCO - BAD                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2680



I like smoked fish and  relish                              
Gefilte fish with horseradish.                              
But now that smoking can                                    
Be hazardous to Man,                                        
I prefer ge-filtered fish.                                  
                                                            
66354 TOBACCO - BAD                  Irving Superior     P8808



There once was a fellow named Stash,                        
Who rather enjoyed smoking hash.                            
He smoked it in bed,                                        
So they found him dead                                      
In a scatter of cinders and ash!                            
                                                            
66355 TOBACCO - BAD                  Emmanuel Lamprecht       



An old heavy smoker named Clyde                             
Who in pipes and cigars took great pride,                   
Took a trip to Gruyere                                      
To smell Swiss mountain air --                              
He inhaled a deep breath and he died.                       
                                                            
66356 TOBACCO - BAD                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2504



A man to whom warnings were sung                            
Of the horrors of cigarette lung,                           
Coughed all in vain                                         
'Til he ruptured his brain,                                 
With a fag 'tween his lip and his tongue.                   
                                                            
66357 TOBACCO - BAD                  Edwin J Weinstein        



A merry soul was Nat King Cole;                             
He smoked those Camels, without a bowl.                     
He coughed and he choked                                    
Till he finally croaked,                                    
When he smoked himself into a hole.                         
                                                            
66358 TOBACCO - BAD                  JJones                   



Said inveterate smoker, old Flash,                          
"For these butts I spend plenty of cash.                    
If this seems bad to you,                                   
You know what you can do--                                  
By which I mean--just kiss my ash."                         
                                                            
66359 TOBACCO - BAD                  Russ Burton         P9202



There once was a man from Milan                             
Who hatched a malevolent plan.                              
He'd grow cheap tobacco                                     
And lace it with crack. Oh                                  
I fear it would never be banned.                            
                                                            
66360 TOBACCO - BAD                  Daniel Martin            



There once was a lady from Perth,                           
Who knew what her two lungs were worth.                     
It'd always provoke her                                     
When ever a smoker                                          
Lit up and polluted the earth.                              
                                                            
66361 TOBACCO - BAD                  Daniel Martin            



From the time he was first on the shelf,                    
We'd warned the old codger from Elf.                        
"You're a damned fool," we said,                            
"For smoking in bed,"                                       
Till the guy made an ash of himself.                        
                                                            
66362 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P8808



One of those indestructible folk,                           
As macho as any cowpoke,                                    
As hard as a boulder,                                       
Who never get older,                                        
For the Marlboro man doesn't smoke.                         
                                                            
66363 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P8808



To the sickly young smoker Larocque,                        
The doctor some bad news had broke.                         
"Although you're very young,                                
We must take out your lung."                                
Said Larocque, "Do you mind if smoke?"                      
                                                            
66364 TOBACCO - BAD                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2658



At the end of each bronchial tree,                          
Are some sacs called alveoli;                               
And it isn't a joke                                         
When they're fill up with smoke.                            
No sir!  'Tis just misery.                                  
                                                            
66365 TOBACCO - BAD                  Edwin J Weinstein        



"Where there's smoke, there is usually a fire,              
But there's none," she complained, "in Jack Meyer.          
He smokes and he smokes                                     
And he makes little jokes,                                  
But he never shows sexual desire!"                          
                                                            
66366 TOBACCO - BAD                  Laurence perrine    P8808



There once was an old Aussie bloke                          
Who poisoned the air with blue smoke.                       
But smoking's not bad                                       
Compared to the fad                                         
We Yanks have of snorting our coke.                         
                                                            
66367 TOBACCO - BAD                  Harry Rubin         P9202



It comes from the Sioux, TOBACCOUGH.                        
The Sioux would TOBAC and then COUGH.                       
And/or they would plug                                      
TOBACCO then UGH,                                           
While warning papoose to back off.                          
                                                            
66368 TOBACCO - BAD                  Irving Superior     P9202



Gasped the girl as she lighted a fag,                       
"I really must have a quick drag".                          
Her boyfriend said: "Dear,                                  
We can't marry, I fear.                                     
You'll soon be a stinking old hag."                         
                                                            
66369 TOBACCO - BAD                  S Collins-Teacher10/12/71



Lighting up, the girl started to cough.                     
Her boyfriend exclaimed: "I'm off.                          
What, marry a wife                                          
Who does that all her life?                                 
"I'll look somewhere else: that's enough".                  
                                                            
66370 TOBACCO - BAD                  S Rushton-Teacher10/12/71



Few GI's who survived can forget                            
The Omaho Beach landings yet,                               
And least of all those                                      
Who, as casualties rose,                                    
That day smoked their first cigarette.                      
                                                            
66371 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P9202



In every execution scene,                                   
Before the blindfold, nicotine                              
Is offered to the man.                                      
But with a smoking ban,                                     
Just smoking rifles can be seen.                            
                                                            
66372 TOBACCO - BAD                  Irving Superior     P8808



Let's hear it for those who still smoke!                    
(Tobacco or merely a toke)                                  
Every puff that you blow                                    
Just goes to show                                           
How much smarter us non-smoking folk!                       
                                                            
66373 TOBACCO - BAD                  John Miller 0094         



"Your smoke is polluting the air,"                          
Said a wife to her mate standing there.                     
"Your smoking's not nice.                                   
You must give up this vice                                  
Lest it poison our son and your heir."                      
                                                            
66374 TOBACCO - BAD                  Laurence Perrine    P8808



While protesting the snubs and the slights                  
To smokers, a fellow named Seitz                            
Claims he's waging a war,                                   
Like our fathers of yore,                                   
To protect constitutional rights.                           
                                                            
66375 TOBACCO - BAD                  A. N. Wilkins       P8808



In the Guinness Book place number one                       
Of mass killers was once the dread Hun.                     
But the new all time wacko                                  
Is Reynolds Tobacco --                                      
They've been caught with the old smoking gun.               
                                                            
66376 TOBACCO - BAD                  Arthur Deex         P8806



A cigarette junkie named Spink                              
Has trouble inflating his dink;                             
The vice of this smoker                                     
Has loused up his poker                                     
And caused it to dangle and shrink.                         
(tobacco inhibits erections - CBS 8 Nov 1998)               
66377 TOBACCO - BAD                  Armand E Singer     P9812



His cock in her mouth he'd been jammin';                    
Cigars in her twat he'd been slammin'.                      
Later while smokin',                                        
Overheard to have spoken,                                   
Arafat said, "That smells like smoked salmon".              
                                                            
66378 TOBACCO - BAD                  MrMalo                   



A tapstress who served in the buff                          
Forbad any taking of snuff.                                 
When the old geezers wheezed                                
And then forcefully sneezed,                                
The spray would end up in her muff.                         
                                                            
66379 TOBACCO - BAD                  OgniGioia                



If you puff on those fags by the pack,                      
Your lungs their pink color will lack.                      
The demented don't mind                                     
For they say, you will find                                 
That a beautiful color is black.                            
                                                            
66380 TOBACCO - BAD                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2733



There once was a place called GO FISH                       
Whose menu was missing one dish.                            
It was called "Free of Smoke"                               
And it isn't a joke                                         
To say it is my ultimate wish!                              
                                                            
66381 TOBACCO - BAD                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Some Arabs puffed on a nargileh,                            
Which made them all stoned and quite silly;                 
They molested a camel,                                      
A small desert mammal,                                      
Three postmen, and one male gorilly.                        
(nargileh - water pipe like a hookah)                       
66382 TOBACCO - BAD                  Robin K. Willoughby P8407



The War of smoking versus non....                           
"...And then all men must gas masks don.                    
With gas masks everywhere,                                  
A world deep in despair.                                    
No more my face to look upon."                              
                                                            
66383 TOBACCO - BAD                  Irving Superior     P8808



As the cigarette camps they were known,                     
Near Yvetot in the rear staging zone--                      
Old Glory, Lucky Strike,                                    
Chesterfield and the like,                                  
And guys claimed there was Camp Roll Your Own.              
                                                            
66384 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES           A. N. Wilkins       P9202



There once was a fellow named Rex                           
Whose behavior was kind of reflex.                          
For a thrill that was big, he                               
Reclined with a ciggy.                                      
It was afterwards that he'd have sex.                       
                                                            
66385 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES           Don Moore           P9202



As for cigarette smokers in bars,                           
With their nasty pollutants and tars,                       
We should tell them with tact,                              
It's a medical fact,                                        
They'd be much better off with cigars.                      
                                                            
66386 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES           Russ Burton         P9202



The smokes that they sent us that year                      
At the front--Wings and Chelseaas--made clear               
That the Luckys and Camels                                  
Went to those scurvy mammals,                               
The ball-bearing WACs in the rear.                          
                                                            
66387 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES           A. N. Wilkins       P9202



As cigarettes do take their toll,                           
We've five million bucks as the goal                        
For sales of our brands                                     
To developing lands.                                        
This is called population control.                          
                                                            
66388 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES           A. N. Wilkins       P9202



There was a young smoker named Moffin,                      
Who smoked very early and often.                            
He saved coupons in sacks,                                  
Out of ten thousand packs,                                  
And his gift was a beautiful coffin.                        
                                                            
66389 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES           Albin Chaplin            



Has anyone here got a cig?                                  
A roll up will do if it's big.                              
I ache for a puff                                           
Of that nicotine stuff;                                     
I'll swap for a jig-a-jig-jig!                              
                                                            
66390 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES                                    



I'm gasping now for a butt;                                 
Will anyone swUp for a rut?                                 
Post fags to <J>;                                           
Please don't delay;                                         
Without 'em I'm losing my nut!                              
                                                            
66391 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES                                    



I ain't doing well with these words,                        
'Cause fags on my brain, it's absurd.                       
Damn this sweet sucking!                                    
Lets do some fucking;                                       
A good substitute, so I've heard.                           
                                                            
66392 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES                                    



Without nicotine I'm so blue;                               
Boiled sweets I devour and chew.                            
Donate to this bag                                          
A fulfilling drag,                                          
And I'll shag you for free, in the loo.                     
                                                            
66393 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES                                    



Without nicotine, it is true,                               
You start off feeling so blue.                              
But give it a while,                                        
Then you will smile,                                        
For it is better for you.                                   
                                                            
66394 TOBACCO - CIGARETTES                                    



In a humidor they laid him to rest                          
With his cigars spread out on his chest.                    
This was a mistake,                                         
Because at the wake,                                        
The mourners smoked all of his best.                        
                                                            
66395 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Some people don't like a cigar,                             
But to me they smell better by far,                         
Than some cheap old perfume,                                
Which will stink up a room,                                 
And should not be allowed in a bar.                         
                                                            
66396 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Russ Burton         P9202



A Norwegian footballer named Lars                           
Had a passion for Cuban cigars.                             
Three or four every day,                                    
Affects his stylish play.                                   
"They're better than women or bars!"                        
                                                            
66397 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Arthur Pattaffy          



A wide path the cigar lover cuts                            
Wherever he swaggers and struts;                            
Folks have to stand clear                                   
When he comes quite near,                                   
'Cause cigar lovers have bigger butts!                      
                                                            
66398 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Old Bobby wasn't the marrying kind,                         
Till the perfect match he did find,                         
Since both love the leaf,                                   
Cigar breath is no grief,                                   
When they kiss, neither will mind!                          
                                                            
66399 TOBACCO - CIGARS                                        



There once was a man named Marcusto,                        
Who gnawed his cigars with such gusto,                      
In a minute or two,                                         
He could easily chew                                        
A Churchill into a Robusto.                                 
                                                            
66400 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul                     



A girl that smoked heavy, Miss Stott,                       
Went out on a date with a Scot.                             
"I don't mind," he said, "Grace,                            
If you smoke with your face,                                
But remove that cigar from your twat."                      
                                                            
66401 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2321



There was a young hippy named Tamar,                        
Who smoked not cigarettes, but cigars.                      
Her father, from Cuba,                                      
In a band played the tuba,                                  
While Tamar learned to play the sitar.                      
                                                            
66402 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Arthur Pattaffy          



And there is the Yuppie who'd spend                         
A hundred a week on a trend;                                
He'd smoked for a year,                                     
When a friend made it clear,                                
That you first must clip off the end.                       
                                                            
66403 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



I overheard two ladies one night,                           
And prayed that cigars were their fight.                    
For what came to my ear                                     
Fill me with fear,                                          
"Is it better to clip or to bite?"                          
                                                            
66404 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul                     



The tobacconist Habana Royal                                
Was located next door to a moyel.                           
A dazed patron said, "Friend,                               
"Would you please clip the end?"                            
In the wrong shop -- he now is a goyl.                      
                                                            
66405 TOBACCO - CIGARS                                        



Letterman, in his quest for perfection,                     
Smokes only a Cohiba selection.                             
With embargo in force,                                      
What is his source?                                         
Is Paul his Canadian Connection?                            
(Letterman - American late night TV host)                   
66406 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Never mind where that cigar did go,                         
Starr should now be wanting to know                         
Was it a Havana,                                            
Coming from Cubana?                                         
Did Clinton defy the embargo?                               
                                                            
66407 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Karen                    



There was a young lady of Oakham,                           
Who would steal your cigars and then soak 'em               
In treacle and rum                                          
And then smear them with gum,                               
So it wasn't a pleasure to smoke 'em.                       
                                                            
66408 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Punch 1863        (Bibby)



Bob loved an Oscuro cigar;                                  
They were his favorite, by far.                             
When all he could find                                      
Were the claro kind,                                        
He bought them and dipped them in tar.                      
                                                            
66409 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



There was a short man from Pomona,                          
Who hooked up with a whore named Ramona.                    
"From such a small fella,                                   
I expect Panatella,                                         
introust look at that Double Corona!"                       
                                                            
66410 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Sam Alfano               



I caught him on Easter, it's true;                          
Hiding candy and good cigars, too.                          
The smokes that he brought,                                 
They sure hit the spot,                                     
Along with eggs and the rabbit stew.                        
                                                            
66411 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Yes, I sampled her humidor,                                 
And I'll sample from there nevermore.                       
For I sit on needles                                        
With a bad case of beetles,                                 
From all those who sampled before.                          
                                                            
66412 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul B Harris            



There was a small boy who was proud                         
And smoked where he wasn't allowed                          
Till a java cigar                                           
Lit the bestest sofar                                       
And he quit -- in a Pillar of Cloud.                        
(sofar - triangulation  of an explosion)                    
66413 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Rudyard Kipling     P8903



"I bundle cats," said the happy Honduran,                   
"In the halls where the good leaf is curin'.                
It keeps rats away,                                         
But I've heard people say                                   
Our cigars are often heard purrin'."                        
                                                            
66414 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Miguelito told his sweet young amor,                        
"I have a cigar you'll adore."                              
"I refuse," she cried.                                      
Until you have tried                                        
To humidify my humidor!"                                    
                                                            
66415 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul                     



Her credo was very wet,                                     
For the stogies inside, they did sweat.                     
The larvae were dropping                                    
As she was a-popping.                                       
Infested stogies? You bet!                                  
                                                            
66416 TOBACCO - CIGARS               TommyJT                  



A maniacal fellow named Vito                                
Once put TNT in his Credo.                                  
He lit up, it went BOOM.                                    
Stogies zinged 'round the room,                             
And in this way was born the torpedo!                       
                                                            
66417 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Steve Masticola          



Miguelito was one nasty dude,                               
Who would flick his cigars in his food.                     
"I don't mind a stub,                                       
When I'm eating my grub,                                    
At least I know it's been chewed!"                          
                                                            
66418 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul                     



When my heart was youthful and light,                       
I frequently had the insight                                
That seegars and stogies                                    
Were strictly for fogies.                                   
(The mirror reveals I was right.)                           
                                                            
66419 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Jim Ryan                 



A cigarette fiend from Bryn Mawr                            
Declined an expensive cigar.                                
"Tobacco," said she,                                        
"Means nothing to me.                                       
I smoke cigarettes for the tar."                            
                                                            
66420 TOBACCO - CIGARS               New Comic Limericks P9602



A sweet senorita named Anna                                 
Had eyes for a guy from Montana.                            
Said Anna, "Que pasa?                                       
Come round to mi casa.                                      
I'll show you La Gloria Cubana."                            
                                                            
66421 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Richard Nick             



So young men, with your cello stand firm.                   
Or your stogies will squiggle and squirm.                   
An unclean box                                              
Can bring on the pox --                                     
The plague of the lacioderm.  (incised leaf)                
                                                            
66422 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul B Harris            



Wrapper shortages and no relief,                            
We used leather in place of a leaf;                         
The CA review                                               
Rated it 92,                                                
For a delightful hint of roast beef!                        
                                                            
66423 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



A cigar-smoking fellow named Fox                            
Would puff on cigars by the box.                            
When asked how he started,                                  
He said, as he farted,                                      
"I started by sucking on cocks."                            
                                                            
66424 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0811



A rapacious old rasal of Kars,                              
Frequented a great many bars;                               
Said he, "You may think                                     
I am after the drink,                                       
But I'm after the ends of cigars!"                          
                                                            
66425 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Indiscreet Lim Book P9303



Cigars that have won major prizes,                          
Are rolled on a Cuban girl's thighses.                      
But what they don't tell us,                                
Is some's done by fellas,                                   
Who've used them as ass wipe devices.                       
                                                            
66426 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Tiddy Ogg                



Once her humidor has been inspected                         
And no mold or bugs are detected,                           
There's no other place                                      
That can with such grace                                    
Keep your cigar moist and protected.                        
                                                            
66427 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul B Harris            



All day he sat in his room,                                 
Refusing to bathe or to groom.                              
When he finally died,                                       
They could not decide,                                      
"Is that mold or is it just bloom?"                         
                                                            
66428 TOBACCO - CIGARS                                        



In Medellin they watch in surprise                          
As their empires are quickly outsized.                      
Cigars, they complain,                                      
Cost more than cocaine,                                     
And a new cartel is holding the prize.                      
                                                            
66429 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



On the day Cuba loses Fidel,                                
And Habanas are legal to sell,                              
We'll all make a toast                                      
To his pitiful ghost,                                       
'Cause there ain't no Cohibas in Hell.                      
                                                            
66430 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Her humidor'd never been moldy                              
Till she inserted a gentleman's stogie.                     
By dawn the next day,                                       
She had plenty to say                                       
On the topic of getting to know me.                         
                                                            
66431 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Robert M Pultz           



When asked, "What is with that blister?"                    
I replied, "I'll tell you what, mister.                     
At our next evening smoker,                                 
We should stick with poker,                                 
'Cause cigars don't go well with "Twister"!                 
                                                            
66432 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



She claimed his stogie to adore,                            
And alone it graced her humidor.                            
Till late last spring,                                      
She hit on this thing                                       
Of smoking one aft and one fore.                            
                                                            
66433 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Robert M Pultz           



Remember that Little Miss Muffet,                           
The one with the tits and the tuffet?                       
I gave her my largest                                       
Havana cigar just                                           
To see if she'd puff it or stuff it.                        
                                                            
66434 TOBACCO - CIGARS                                        



I was smoking a Punch by Fidel                              
In the bar of a well-known hotel.                           
I received a sour look,                                     
From a old bat who took                                     
It quite badly when I said "Go to Hell!"                    
                                                            
66435 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Russ McDermott           



When you give a cigar to Rose,                              
Into her left nostril it goes;                              
While most get their kicks                                  
From an oral-type fix,                                      
She prefers a good Punch in the nose.                       
                                                            
66436 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



To gents concerned about pox,                               
Try rubbing your face in her box.                           
For if she is blighted,                                     
You'll no longer be sighted,                                
But your stogie'll be spared such rude shocks.              
                                                            
66437 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Robert M Pultz           



Those little green boogers from Mars                        
Shit tobacco in neighborhood bars.                          
Right there in the crapper,                                 
They put on the wrapper--                                   
And that's how we get cheap cigars!                         
                                                            
66438 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Grand Prix Lim  701 G2630



Find worldly smoker and date her --                         
No lover on Earth could be greater;                         
When your stogie comes forth                                
She may smoke it up north,                                  
Or stow it south of the equator.                            
                                                            
66439 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul B Harris            



"You can fuck from behind," said Miss Snood.                
Said her man, "I don't wish to be rude,                     
Can you please tell me why?"                                
Said Miss Snood, "Please comply --                          
I can smoke a cigar while I'm screwed."                     
                                                            
66440 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0759



"Quit cigars," his physicians would say,                    
"You'll die young at a dozen a day."                        
George smoked them, I'm told,  (George Burns - centanarain) 
Till one hundred years old,                                 
While his doctors had all passed away!                      
                                                            
66441 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



There once was a fellow named Shanken                       
Whose mag featured much cigar rankin'.                      
But he upset the prudes                                     
With cigar-smoking nudes,                                   
That got many mens' Cohibas crankin'.                       
                                                            
66442 TOBACCO - CIGARS                                        



She returned from Cuba overweight.                          
She could barely get through the gate.                      
A cigar CORNUCOPIA,                                         
A smoker's utopia,                                          
Had been strapped to her waist by her mate.                 
                                                            
66443 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Norm brust               



Her humidor was rather small,                               
With room for big ones, not at all.                         
But when she's open,                                        
Here is for hopin'                                          
Your stogie's not too thick or tall.                        
                                                            
66444 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Robert M Pultz           



An unending smoker was Drew                                 
Who had trouble trying to screw.                            
What stoked his desire                                      
When starting to tire?                                      
On stogies unlit he would chew.                             
                                                            
66445 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Julia Strawn        P8808



There was a young man of good note                          
Who bleated at times like a goat.                           
Though it sounded bizarre,                                  
They found a cigar --                                       
The damn thing was stuck in his throat.                     
                                                            
66446 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Edwin J Weinstein        



Riley smoked like there was no tomorrow,                    
On cigars that were dark as sorrow.                         
But on St Paddy's each year,                                
With a glass of green beer,                                 
He switched over to a claro claro.                          
                                                            
66447 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



"This Cuban mystique is all hooey!"                         
(Said a long-winded guy they call Louie.)                   
"This here Tampo Rico                                       
Is all you should seek." (Though                            
He also will answer to 'Sooooey'!"                          
                                                            
66448 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Jim Ryan                 



Tarzan jumped but could not find his line,                  
So he fell and he damaged his spine.                        
Earlier that day,                                           
The apes smoked away,                                       
On cigars that were simply de vine.                         
                                                            
66449 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Her smuggled cigars Customs took                            
From her purse, her bags, and her book.                     
But although they did try,                                  
One cigar did get by,                                       
Hidden where no one could look.                             
                                                            
66450 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul                     



The men of the Via Veneto                                   
Smoke stogies they call Rigoletto                           
They're funny cheroots;                                     
Black and twisted as roots,                                 
Which I wouldn't touch on a bet-o.                          
                                                            
66451 TOBACCO - CIGARS                                        



A really great cigar, insists Merl,                         
Is just like a beautiful girl.                              
Well, what can I say?                                       
When I smoke I don't pray                                   
For the wrapper to break and unfurl!                        
                                                            
66452 TOBACCO - CIGARS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



There was a young man of Madras                             
Who smoked such a terrible mass,                            
There was not room enough                                   
In his mouth more to stuff,                                 
So he shoved a cigar up his ass.                            
                                                            
66453 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2684



On Saturday night, up on Mars,                              
We sing and we play our guitars.                            
No different from Earth                                     
Except there's a dearth                                     
Of our favorite Cuban cigars!                               
                                                            
66454 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Ystap                    



There was a young fellow named Fripp                        
Who once, on a seagoing trip,                               
Lit a second cigar                                          
At the liners vast bar,                                     
But was told: "It's a one-Uppman ship."                     
                                                            
66455 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Richard Nick             



Your stogie I simply adore,                                 
So luscious and so hard to score.                           
But unless that fellow                                      
Is wrapped in cello,                                        
It is barred from my humidor.                               
                                                            
66456 TOBACCO - CIGARS               Paul B Harris            



I have kicked cigarettes, Hip Hooray!                       
I have given them all away;                                 
And if I don't die                                          
From the lack of a high,                                    
In five hours it will be a whole day!                       
                                                            
66457 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Ann Gasser          P8808



A bright young lad who needed a smoke,                      
Took a puff and then started to choke.                      
He said he was glad                                         
That he listened to dad,                                    
For to smoke, and then choke is no joke!                    
                                                            
66458 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Tobacco, tobacco; I hate you; I do.                         
Like Venus I'd look if it wasn't for you.                   
But I'll give up the habit                                  
I will even yet...                                          
When I've had just one more Menthol Kool.                   
                                                            
66459 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Anon                P0401



Some say a bad habit you broke,                             
Deciding no longer to smoke.                                
By the sound of your cough,                                 
You'll be soon taking off;                                  
A polite way of saying "You'll croak!"                      
                                                            
66460 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Gifford Wherry           



In Pigalle the studs claimed the protection                 
Of their sex life required the rejection                    
Of tobacco.  "No joking,"                                   
They said, "because smoking                                 
Makes it hard to sustain an erection."                      
                                                            
66461 TOBACCO - QUIT                 A. N. Wilkins       P9202



Said a cigarette smoker named Kit,                          
"I have finally decided to quit.                            
I'll do --heaven knows what--                               
Probably sit on my butt,                                    
Which is fine if the damned things not lit."                
                                                            
66462 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Russ Barton         P9112



If my writing's a little bit jerky,                         
And my thinking's a little bit murky,                       
I am feeling the nix                                        
Of my nicotine fix,                                         
And I've flipped out from going cold turkey.                
                                                            
66463 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Ann Gasser          P8808



Since Bush felt that sex was no joke,                       
His new Surgeon General spoke                               
In language arcane:                                         
"It's best to abstain--                                     
But afterwards, folks, please don't smoke!"                 
                                                            
66464 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Norm Storer         P9202



Man's ego may be very small,                                
But can anyone some one recall                              
Who's given up smoking                                      
Without them invoking                                       
Any notice from others at all?                              
                                                            
66465 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Laurence Perrine    P8808



I'm normally good fun, love a joke,                         
But now I'm one cranky-assed bloke.                         
I rant, rave and cuss                                       
And all this because                                        
It's three days since I last had a smoke.                   
                                                            
66466 TOBACCO - QUIT                                          



My usual response with civility                             
Is replaced with open hostility.                            
I don't give a fuck,                                        
But cigs I must chuck,                                      
(I fear I don't have the ability).                          
                                                            
66467 TOBACCO - QUIT                                          



"Tobacco's a curse in this town,"                           
Said the ad-writing man with a frown.                       
"Fifty years it kept us                                     
To get dames to accept us;                                  
Now the men are turning us down.                            
                                                            
66468 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Laurence Perrine    P8808



I have quit, there is no turning back!                      
Though of self-discipline, there is no lack,                
I would barter my soul                                      
For a ten foot pole                                         
For that butt on the subway track.                          
                                                            
66469 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Ann Gasser          P8808



A woman whom smoking had hooked                             
With her doctor a visit had booked.                         
When he asked with perplex                                  
If she smoked after sex,                                    
"I don't know," she said, "I've never looked."              
                                                            
66470 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Bob Giandomenico    P8809



A man in the midst of a crowd,                              
Yelled out in a voice that was loud.                        
"You can drink beer and wine                                
But read the damn sign,                                     
That reads there's No Smoking Allowed."                     
                                                            
66471 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Bob Birch           P0301



"Cold turkey," a farmer named Snout,                        
"Tobacco, you can do without.                               
Duck cancer," he'd say.                                     
"Cold turkey's the way,"                                    
The henpeck with, "Don't chicken out."                      
                                                            
66472 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Irving Superior     P9202



His flu left him feeling quite rough.                       
His voice was all gravely and gruff.                        
He was not in the mood                                      
For liquor or food,                                         
And grandpa was not up to snuff.                            
                                                            
66473 TOBACCO - QUIT                 A. N. Wilkins       P9202



"Once I lost every job I acquired,"                         
Said a rifle, lean, fit, but retired.                       
"I'd start coughing and choking;                            
But then I quit smoking,                                    
And since then I've never been fired."                      
                                                            
66474 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Laurence Perrine    P8808



His deftly blown smoke rings in air                         
Were applauded by everyone there --                         
That was back ...'46;                                       
Today for such tricks,                                      
He'd get only a stiff stony stare.                          
                                                            
66475 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Laurence Perrine    P8809



Now this is as good as it gets!                             
I'm collecting on all of my bets!                           
This cigar that I'm smoking?                                
You've got to be joking --                                  
I only said CIGARETTES!                                     
                                                            
66476 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Ann Gasser          P8808



For a smoker there's no use denying                         
That the one sort of friend who's most trying               
Is that cheerful half wit                                   
Who while trying to quit                                    
Does not give up smoking -- just buying.                    
                                                            
66477 TOBACCO - QUIT                 A. N. Wilkins       P8808



Since smoking a terrible habit,                             
(As shown by some tests on a rabbit),                       
Phillip Morris may mind                                     
If you happen to find                                       
A chance to quit now--but go grab it!                       
                                                            
66478 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Norm Storer         P9202



To quit, first a stogie puff-puff.                          
If that doesn't work, sniffle snuff.                        
If no, chew a chaw,                                         
Then as a last straw,                                       
A doctor who'll DOOMSDAY, "Enough."                         
                                                            
66479 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Irving Superior     P9202



To smoke it or chew it or sniff it                          
Takes the mentality of a nitwit.                            
Tobacco's its name;                                         
Lung cancer, it's game--                                    
So stop using that stinking shit.                           
                                                            
66480 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Harry Rubin         P9202



"I have given up smoking," said Dagg,                       
"On account of my wife who does nag.                        
But I still am delighted                                    
By a stogie unlighted,                                      
And I'll suck now and then on a fag."                       
                                                            
66481 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Phil Cannibal       P9202



There one was a fellow named Green                          
Who'd been smoking since he was fifteen.                    
But he joined AS3,                                          
Got himself nico-free,                                      
Now the girls all think him a dream!                        
                                                            
66482 TOBACCO - QUIT                 Taiwan John              



You smokers, take note what I say.                          
If you want to get cancer, okay.                            
But here is my fight:                                       
You don't have the right                                    
To make the whole world your ash tray.                      
                                                            
66483 TOBACCO - STINKS               Bluebird                 



Have you ever gone out to dine,                             
At a place so expensive and fine,                           
But along with your food                                    
Came a plume rank and rude,                                 
To "savor" along with the wine.                             
                                                            
66484 TOBACCO - STINKS               Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Grace                          
Who put her young beau in his place.                        
For she said to him, "Dear,                                 
If you smoke, don't come near,                              
For I'm apt to barf full in your face."                     
                                                            
66485 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2600



A girlie who puffs on a fag                                 
Will soon get to look like a hag.                           
For she can't erase                                         
The lines on her face.                                      
Her breath even makes people gag.                           
                                                            
66486 TOBACCO - STINKS               Julia Strawn        P8808



Said a non-smoking maiden, Miss Smart,                      
To her cud-chewing boy-friend, "Sweetheart,                 
Your lungs may be clear                                     
But I desperately fear                                      
Catching cancer from smelling your fart."                   
                                                            
66487 TOBACCO - STINKS               Russ Burton         P9202



I once met a man on his horse,                              
Who smelled like a smoker, of course.                       
Thanks to Camels or Kent                                    
Or to Marlboro, he went                                     
Of to hack and to cough with great force.                   
                                                            
66488 TOBACCO - STINKS               Daniel Martin            



There was an old smoker named Clyde                         
Whose lungs were all rotten inside.                         
He was saved by Doc Schink                                  
But he had such a stink                                     
That the doctor got sick and he died.                       
                                                            
66489 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2503



A red-necked RAPSCALLION I knew,                            
Would foul plugs of tobacco chew.                           
He left a trail brown                                       
All over the town;                                          
Of hygiene, he hadn't a clue.                               
                                                            
66490 TOBACCO - STINKS               Chris Papa               



If family and friends try to bar                            
Smoking in the house or the car,                            
Some limburger left out                                     
Will make them all shout,                                   
"Please, will you light that cigar?"                        
                                                            
66491 TOBACCO - STINKS               J Eubanks and S Martin   



Said the chemist, "I'm now at the brink                     
Of creating a stench that I think                           
Suits a man in a car                                        
Who smokes pipe or cigar,                                   
And who wishes to live in a stink.                          
                                                            
66492 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2474



Smoking is so foul and so smelly,                           
It makes me feel sick to my belly.                          
Those small whirls of smoke,                                
They only evoke                                             
The scent of a putrid old welly.                            
                                                            
66493 TOBACCO - STINKS               Jim Weaver Collection    



"Do you mind if I smoke?" queried Bart,                     
Of his bedmate, Miss Lilly Rhinehart,                       
"Go ahead, if you must,                                     
Lilly said, with disgust,                                   
"And tell me, do you mind if I fart?"                       
                                                            
66494 TOBACCO - STINKS                                        



Truly, ciggies smell no worse than fartin'                  
So this wisecrack is surely a smart 'un.                    
And the source, I recall                                    
Is the disc "Let's Get Small"                               
By the wild, crazy guy named Steve Martin.                  
                                                            
66495 TOBACCO - STINKS                                        



On a date with a girl, Mr. Barr                             
Lit up a cigar in the car.                                  
But his girl friend, Miss Grace,                            
She pissed full in his face,                                
And she put out the stinking cigar.                         
                                                            
66496 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2432



Well you've said it; don't you feel proud?                  
And I'm sure all the smokers are cowed.                     
But what makes me swear                                     
When I'm in open air,                                       
I still get more shit from your crowd.                      
                                                            
66497 TOBACCO - STINKS               Saint                    



My pipe ashes stay right in the bowl                        
Except for an occasional coal.                              
If the smell of the pipe                                    
Is what makes you gripe,                                    
Well, fuck you, both body and soul.                         
                                                            
66498 TOBACCO - STINKS               Saint                    



Well said, Saint, I'm on your side;                         
I am done with trying to hide                               
My habits from mother,                                      
And now every other                                         
Nebish buttinski will chide.                                
                                                            
66499 TOBACCO - STINKS               Karen                    



Soon we will be locked away                                 
Or taxed out the nose just to pay                           
For teenagers, you                                          
As parents might do                                         
Better to keep out of my way.                               
                                                            
66500 TOBACCO - STINKS               Karen                    



This smoking's for others, not me.                          
I've this plastic septum, you see.                          
Smoke creates a coat                                        
In my nose and my throat,                                   
Though I try to keep it low key.                            
                                                            
66501 TOBACCO - STINKS               Marlene Lewis            



I clean it with my water pick                               
And this special form built nose stick.                     
This really ain't fun;                                      
It makes my nose run.                                       
The thought of smoke just makes me sick!                    
                                                            
66502 TOBACCO - STINKS               Marlene Lewis            



James I, as the annals report,                              
Outlawed use of tobacco at court.                           
For that sodomite said                                      
Taking young men to bed                                     
With smoker's breath ruined his sport.                      
                                                            
66503 TOBACCO - STINKS               A. N. Wilkins       P8808



A pipe-smoking man of Cologne                               
Had lived his whole life all alone.                         
For so raunchy he smelled                                   
That all men were repelled,                                 
And he smelled when he called on the phone.                 
                                                            
66504 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2509



There was an old smoker named Burse;                        
His smell all his friends did accurse.                      
He gave up cigarettes                                       
Which no person regrets,                                    
But he started cigars and smelled worse.                    
                                                            
66505 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2484



There was a young lady named Jill                           
Whose husband smoked so much until                          
Like some garbage he stunk,                                 
But this lady had spunk,                                    
For she practiced by sleeping with swill.                   
                                                            
66506 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2632



Old smokers, as they turn gray,                             
Appear to mere mortal clay.                                 
But as wives testify,                                       
They do not ever die,                                       
They just, most of the time, smell that way.                
                                                            
66507 TOBACCO - STINKS               A. N. Wilkins       P9202



A nerd who would puff a cigar                               
Had better stay out of my car,                              
My bed, and my house.                                       
All smoke I will douse.                                     
Tobaccophiles give me catarrah.                             
                                                            
66508 TOBACCO - STINKS               Julia Strawn        P8808



There was a pipe smoker named Seth                          
Who said, "I am all out of breath!"                         
But his breath was so tainted                               
That ten people fainted,                                    
For his breath had a smell worse than death.                
                                                            
66509 TOBACCO - STINKS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2789



There once was a fellow named John                          
Who smelled like a smoke marathon.                          
He said, "Baby, let's wrestle!"                             
She said, "Jump off a trestle!                              
I don't eat where it smells like I've 'gone'!"              
                                                            
66510 TOBACCO - STINKS               Taiwan John              



Tobacco execs ain't too couth.                              
They juggle a bit with the truth.                           
They have downsized their mammal                            
(I refer to Joe Camel)                                      
'Cause their ads were all aimed at the youth.               
                                                            
66511 TOBACCO - USING                Al Willis           P9709



At sex, Jackson wasn't a star,                              
For while screwing, he'd smoke a cigar.                     
And on top of the stench,                                   
He annoy his poor wench                                     
By strumming an ill-tuned guitar.                           
                                                            
66512 TOBACCO - USING                Isaac Asimov             



In the throes of his bachelor despair,                      
Bobby Holstein would sit in a chair,                        
Smoke his stogies and mope,                                 
Think himself beyond Hope --                                
But she didn't, and now they're a pair!                     
                                                            
66513 TOBACCO - USING                                         



I never do smoke while asleep.                              
The thought makes my flesh really creep.                    
While awake, I never                                        
Abstain whatsoever;                                         
My ashtrays are ten inches deep.                            
                                                            
66514 TOBACCO - USING                Al Willis           P9708



There was a young lady named Knight;                        
The mess that she smoked was a fright.                      
Her new born had innate                                     
Compulsion so great,                                        
On emerging, he asked for a light.                          
                                                            
66515 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2648



While screwing her boyfriend, Miss Lutz                     
Said, "Smoking while screwing takes guts.                   
I don't mind you smoking                                    
While diddling and poking,                                  
But don't use my asshole for butts.                         
                                                            
66516 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2173



If cigars are an oral fixation,                             
A substitute for masturbation,                              
Then a chain smoking Freud                                  
Was trying to avoid                                         
A strong need for self-stimulation.                         
                                                            
66517 TOBACCO - USING                J Eubanks and S Martin   



There was a young lady named Barr                           
Who carried her smoking too far.                            
Her dilemma she cursed                                      
For while baby she nursed,                                  
He blew rings with a stinking cigar.                        
                                                            
66518 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2431



There was a pipe-smoker named Flock,                        
Who puffed on his pipe 'round the clock.                    
Though his girl friend did miss him                         
Yet she hated to kiss him;                                  
She would much rather suck on his cock.                     
                                                            
66519 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-1261



Despite matrimonial pledges,                                
The bride almost always on edge is.                         
"He watches TV,                                             
Or he gardens," says she.                                   
"His real loves are Benson and Hedges."                     
                                                            
66520 TOBACCO - USING                Maureen Stevens     P8410



Please consider this as no joke:                            
Simple things hold great value for folk.                    
The umbrella, raincoat                                      
Were made for those who dote                                
Upon going outside for a smoke.                             
                                                            
66521 TOBACCO - USING                L C Fitzhugh        P0112



The Duke U. entomology chief,                               
Aired for farmers a news-breaking brief,                    
That new bugs on their crop,                                
Chewed tobacco nonstop,                                     
And with that gave them new lice on leaf.                   
                                                            
66522 TOBACCO - USING                Bob Giandomenico    P2006



There was an old smoker named Fred                          
Who smoked in his bed while he read.                        
And he burned down his house,                               
Lost his kids and his spouse,                               
While his corpse smoked away on the bed.                    
                                                            
66523 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2578



The smokers with tongues acrobatic,                         
On their right to smoke are dogmatic.                       
For tobacco is grand,                                       
But thalidomide's banned                                    
For thalidomide's much more dramatic.                       
                                                            
66524 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2414



The passengers find it provoking                            
And not a fit subject for joking,                           
For each one of them sits                                   
Having nicotine fits;                                       
The pilots go right ahead smoking.                          
                                                            
66525 TOBACCO - USING                A. N. Wilkins       P9005



For years a young man named McGraw                          
Fucked a girl that smoked heavy, Miss Shaw.                 
From this smoking and sex,                                  
A conditioned reflex                                        
Made him blow when an ashtray he saw.                       
                                                            
66526 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2186



Said John Locke, "On one thing I agree                      
With Tom Hobbs (Leviathan he):                              
A pipe smoking bloke                                        
And two men who don't smoke                                 
In the same room cannot all be free."                       
                                                            
66527 TOBACCO - USING                A. N. Wilkins       P8808



It's a case that is open and shut.                          
Since tobacco is much worse than smut,                      
It offers occasion                                          
For forceful persuasion--                                   
A wonderful chance to kick butt!                            
                                                            
66528 TOBACCO - USING                Norm Storer         P9202



A pipe smoker name of McClure                               
Smoked a mix that his friends could endure.                 
To a man they did savor                                     
The delightful new flavor,                                  
Made of cherry pie mixed with manure.                       
                                                            
66529 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2698



A kinky young lady named Jackie                             
Prefers men who chew on tobaccy.                            
If she sees a chaw                                          
Set in somebody's jaw,                                      
Bingo! Her hormones go wacky.                               
                                                            
66530 TOBACCO - USING                Bob Leclerc              



There's a major league shortstop named Bud                  
Who feels any game is a dud                                 
If they will not allow                                      
Him to act like a cow,                                      
Contentedly chewing his cud.                                
                                                            
66531 TOBACCO - USING                Russ Burton         P9202



There was a young smoker named Moffin                       
Who started a-coughin' quite often.                         
In a short time he died                                     
But it did not subside;                                     
He continued to cough in his coffin.                        
                                                            
66532 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin            



A thoughtless young fellow named Kress                      
Had tumors that caused him distress.                        
He was smoking much more,                                   
Each day more than before,                                  
And enjoying it daily much less.                            
                                                            
66533 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2651



While eating his dinner, young Welch                        
Was helpless the smokers to squelch.                        
So with smoke everywhere,                                   
He made pure the foul air                                   
With a healthy big fart and a belch.                        
                                                            
66534 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2381



Though indoor cigars are appealing,                         
Smoke in the house is congealing;                           
But don't flee the murk;                                    
Make that smoke work,                                       
By hanging some hams from the ceiling.                      
                                                            
66535 TOBACCO - USING                J Eubanks and S Martin   



My tobacconist, a girl named Genie,                         
Likes to work in just a bikini.                             
Each time I walk in,                                        
She says with a grin,                                       
Are you ever happy to see me!                               
                                                            
66536 TOBACCO - USING                J Eubanks and S Martin   



I was dared by my old buddy, Nash,                          
To smoke the lit end for some cash.                         
Of course, I refused;                                       
I would not be accused                                      
Of having my head in my ash.                                
                                                            
66537 TOBACCO - USING                J Eubanks and S Martin   



While she smoked, she noticed his glare                     
And replied to the judgemental stare:                       
These are hours of fun                                      
And stay firm until done --                                 
Shall we discuss how you compare?                           
                                                            
66538 TOBACCO - USING                J Eubanks and S Martin   



There was an old smoker named Jack,                         
Who said, "This is my very last pack."                      
Now this man did not lie,                                   
No more smokes did he try,                                  
For he keeled over dead on his back.                        
                                                            
66539 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin            



Their sex life is really a joke;                            
After love-making both like to smoke.                       
But he's had the same pack                                  
For so long, he's lost track,                               
Yet to buy them for her keeps him broke.                    
                                                            
66540 TOBACCO - USING                Bob Giandomenico    P8809



I have a new lighter for lighting                           
My pipe.  Now, it's fun and exciting                        
To sit here and flick it                                    
And warm up my dick; it                                     
Is great when the cold wind is biting.                      
                                                            
66541 TOBACCO - USING                                         



Miss Muffet, I gave her a stogie                            
'Cause I am an aimless old fogey...                         
As I wanked on my pole                                      
She missed her own hole!                                    
In fact, 'twas a lame double bogey!                         
                                                            
66542 TOBACCO - USING                                         



I've devised a housecleaning incentive;                     
I think it's quite smart and inventive.                     
When your house gets to par,                                
I'll provide a cigar,                                       
And make you feel quite presidentive.                       
                                                            
66543 TOBACCO - USING                Ericka                   



Non-smokers, who foul air abhor,                            
Must all make their voices heard more.                      
They must learn the fine art                                
Of the exquisite fart,                                      
And to gracefully spit on the floor.                        
                                                            
66544 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2410



There was a young gourmet named Pete                        
Who gave a fair maiden a treat                              
While he ate at the "Y."                                    
So she said to the guy,                                     
"Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?"                     
                                                            
66545 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-1287



An addict of smoking named Haskett                          
Smoked fags and cigars by the basket.                       
So he soon met his fate,                                    
But the urge was so great                                   
That he asked for a light from his casket.                  
                                                            
66546 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2612



A chain-smoking, flatulent nut                              
Inhaled smoke so deep down in his gut                       
That when he passed gas                                     
Smoke came out of his ass,                                  
Leaving nicotine stains on his butt.                        
                                                            
66547 TOBACCO - USING                Theo Heller         P9202



Since he's traveled in France quite extensively,            
There's a sign that he views apprehensively:                
"I refuse to obey                                           
The one that will say                                       
'No Smoking'," Tom fumed most defensively.                  
                                                            
66548 TOBACCO - USING                Hugh Clary               



There once was a smoker from Boulder,                       
Who lit up and then let it smoulder.                        
"Put it out! Put it out"                                    
I said with a shout,                                        
Or else you won't get any older.                            
                                                            
66549 TOBACCO - USING                Jim Weaver Collection    



"A lesson I've grasped," said McShakoe,                     
"After fighting last night with a wacko,                    
Who was giving me flack,                                    
And I've learned not to smack                               
A man, who is chewing tobacco."                             
                                                            
66550 TOBACCO - USING                Hugh Clary               



Have you heard of the Marlboro Man?                         
He's long, lean, and rangy and tan;                         
He puffs on the weed                                        
Up there on his steed                                       
'Cause he can't in the family sedan.                        
                                                            
66551 TOBACCO - USING                Norm Storer         P9202



A mannerly man makes a hit                                  
When licking a gal's throbbing clit,                        
Because he won't gnaw                                       
Or dribble his chaw                                         
Of tobacco, whene'er he can't spit.                         
                                                            
66552 TOBACCO - USING                Travis Brasell           



Rudyard Kipling was one of that stripe                      
Who encouraged the fierce macho hype,                       
And lest strangers or cronies                               
Should doubt his cojones,                                   
All the pictures show him with a pipe.                      
                                                            
66553 TOBACCO - USING                A. N. Wilkins       P9202



There was a pipe-smoker named Hicks                         
Who from smoking new brands, got his kicks.                 
He prepared a fine blend                                    
Which won many a friend --                                  
A horseshit and cherry pie mix.                             
                                                            
66554 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2107



In a factory that made cigarettes,                          
There worked a gorgeous brunette,                           
And the men on her shift                                    
Had a permanent stiff,                                      
But she was Virginian yet.                                  
                                                            
66555 TOBACCO - USING                                         



As down through the works she was strollin',                
Lascivious glances were stolen,                             
But she'd ne'er lift her hem,                               
For any of them...                                          
They had to make do with hand rolling.                      
                                                            
66556 TOBACCO - USING                                         



Though lusted by grocers and barmen,                        
The hottest for her's a gendarme. An                        
Incontinent groan,                                          
Meant he'd grown a great bone,                              
And soon he'd be yelling "I'm Carmen."                      
                                                            
66557 TOBACCO - USING                                         



He thinks "Here I'll get me damn-all.                       
It's just like Delilah and Sam, I'll                        
Go off, join the Legion,                                    
And in some desert region,                                  
Perhaps I can roll me a camel."                             
                                                            
66558 TOBACCO - USING                                         



So next comes along our torero                              
Who swanks "Honey, I'm a bold hero.                         
Let's get at your plum."                                    
She says "Piss off, chum."                                  
And gives him a thump in the earhole.                       
                                                            
66559 TOBACCO - USING                                         



He tells her "Now hang on, my dear,                         
From the next bull I'll give you the ears."                 
She says "You're a toss-                                    
er, who thinks he's the boss;                               
It's the todger I want, you damned queer."                  
                                                            
66560 TOBACCO - USING                                         



"I'm stuck here amid all these fags,                        
And Tiddy's bad cigarette gags,                             
So go have your fun,                                        
On that Pamplona run,                                       
Then go off and screw some old slag."                       
                                                            
66561 TOBACCO - USING                                         



And these honeyed words have him smitten,                   
That sap, by the love bug's been bitten,                    
And there in the ring,                                      
Thinking just of one thing,                                 
By Ferdie he's tossed like a kitten.                        
                                                            
66562 TOBACCO - USING                                         



So now Carmelita's alone,                                   
She packs up and moves far from home,                       
To a house in Southampton,                                  
Where there's punters a-pantin',                            
For a fiver, to give her a bone.                            
                                                            
66563 TOBACCO - USING                                         



So down Derby Road you should stride.                       
She'll see you, invite you inside.                          
But say Tiddy sent ya                                       
Upon this adventure,                                        
Then maybe I'll get a free ride.                            
                                                            
66564 TOBACCO - USING                                         



A pipe smoker said to me "Man,                              
Tobacco is part of the plan!                                
I'd get some for pater,                                     
But must buy it later.                                      
Prince Albert is still on the can."                         
                                                            
66565 TOBACCO - USING                John Dohner         P8808



Can't we ban smokers outside a store?                       
From their lightling up right by the door?                  
On my way to the car,                                       
I inhale so much tar,                                       
That I gag for five minutes or more!                        
                                                            
66566 TOBACCO - USING                Prof M-G            T9707



There was a young man from Hoboken                          
Whose lungs were all rotten from smokin'.                   
As the wretch lay there gasping,                            
With a horrible rasping,                                    
He still thought the doctor was jokin'.                     
                                                            
66567 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin            



Maria once tried hard to sing;                              
Her vocal chords simply went "ping"!                        
The reason they're broken                                   
Is 'cause of her smokin';                                   
Her voice has lost all of its zing!                         
                                                            
66568 TOBACCO - USING                                         



Lorillard, Inc. and Group Liggettte.                        
Turned off the red ink at the spigot.                       
They were very willin'                                      
To pay just $8 billion                                      
To atone for the millions they'd sickened.                  
                                                            
66569 TOBACCO - USING                Dr Limerick  11-06-00    



A heavy old smoker, McClure                                 
Did reek like the slime in a sewer.                         
When he took a plane flight,                                
His wife missed him that night,                             
So she slept with a pile of manure.                         
                                                            
66570 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-1884



A cigarette smoker named Murray                             
Was told by his doc he should worry.                        
"They'll stifle your breath                                 
And cause a slow death!"                                    
Said Murray, "I'm not in a hurry!"                          
                                                            
66571 TOBACCO - USING                Observer                 



Here's a question designed to perplex:                      
"Do you smoke at all, just after sex?"                      
I never undertook                                           
To take a close look.                                       
I'll just have to question my Ex.                           
                                                            
66572 TOBACCO - USING                Al Willis           T9710



A smoking old man of Madras,                                
Whose jaw was cut off by some glass,                        
Continued to smoke,                                         
But no longer did choke,                                    
For he learned how to smoke with his ass.                   
                                                            
66573 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2181



One time when spittoons were outmoded,                      
A cowboy on snoose overloaded;                              
His cheeks grew in size                                     
And bugged out his eyes                                     
And later, I hear he exploded.                              
                                                            
66574 TOBACCO - USING                Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young man from Pine Bluff,                      
Who was admonished never to puff.                           
Said he, "I'm no fool;                                      
I'll follow the rule."                                      
Then proceeded to sniff away snuff.                         
                                                            
66575 TOBACCO - USING                Edwin J Weinstein        



A young man addicted to snuff                               
Would sniff it from his girl-friend's muff.                 
"It tickles!" she'd shout.                                  
"Please take your nose out!                                 
And then we can start playing rough!"                       
                                                            
66576 TOBACCO - USING                                         



How they pick on poor innocent Trudy!                       
Why, one of her beaux was so rude he                        
Would partake of snuff                                      
while abusing her muff,                                     
Leaving Trudy most troubled and moody.                      
                                                            
66577 TOBACCO - USING                John Miller              



There was a young man of Gran Chaco,                        
Who brain was as hard as quebracho.                         
He smoked like a mule skinner                               
With his family at dinner,                                  
So that all could enjoy his tobacco.                        
                                                            
66578 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2601



A sign was observed by old Paul:                            
"Don't spit on the floor, not at all."                      
With a chew of tobaccy,                                     
He formed one that was tacky,                               
And fastened a slug on the wall.                            
                                                            
66579 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2737



A smoker who smoked with a passion                          
Was spit in the face and turned ashen.                      
Though he showed some concern,                              
It was thus he did learn                                    
That spitting was now back in fashion.                      
                                                            
66580 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2735



For 35 years I'm a smoker,                                  
A morn, noon, and eventide toker.                           
My memory's still there,                                    
I'm healthy and swear                                       
I still raise a mighty nice poker.                          
                                                            
66581 TOBACCO - USING                Cyber Wizard             



It's good you can still do the deed                         
When under the spell of the weed.                           
But shifting the panties                                    
And upping your Auntie's                                    
Is not how your seed should be freed.                       
                                                            
66582 TOBACCO - USING                SFA                      



There once was a chain-smoking dude,                        
Who thought it incredibly rude                              
That any defy him                                           
And want to deny him                                        
His right to be terminally screwed.                         
                                                            
66583 TOBACCO - USING                Jim Weaver Collection    



A compulsive young smoker named Moffin,                     
Was subject to coughing fits often.                         
Though he died from the strain,                             
Yet his death was in vain --                                
He continued to cough in his coffin.                        
                                                            
66584 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-2710



A waxed moustache and oil-slicked hair,                     
And cologne that belched fumes in the air;                  
When he lit his cigar                                       
And went up like a star,                                    
We could see the man had quite a flare.                     
                                                            
66585 TOBACCO - USING                J Eubanks and S Martin   



In respect to the pipe smoker's puff,                       
There is no need to burn the damned stuff.                  
They will find that it's true;                              
Just a small pinch will do,                                 
With results that are quite up to snuff.                    
                                                            
66586 TOBACCO - USING                Russ Burton         P9201



A nicotine addict was Cass;                                 
When smoking, he'd do it first class.                       
Through three fags he would leer,                           
Sick a pipe in each ear,                                    
And shoved a cigar up his ass.                              
                                                            
66587 TOBACCO - USING                Albin Chaplin   3024-1984



So pity the poor cigar lover                                
With tastes his funds cannot cover;                         
In losing control.                                          
He loses his soul,                                          
To Visa, Mastercard, and Discover.                          
                                                            
66588 TOBACCO - USING                J Eubanks and S Martin   



A jungle explorer named Sam'l,                              
Likes sex with just any old mammal;                         
When he can't persuade                                      
An ape to get laid,                                         
He'll walk a whole mile for a Camel.                        
                                                            
66589 TOBACCO - USING                Norm Storer         P9202



To Jim's paper shop went old Drew,                          
His pipe's baccy stock to renew.                            
"You got some black shag?"                                  
Jim picked up a mag:                                        
"No sir, but will `Asian Babes' do?"                        
                                                            
66590 TOBACCO - USING                                         



Always stand upwind from a chewer                           
And stains on your clothes will be fewer.                   
'Cause when snoose comes your way,                          
It threatens to spray,                                      
And can polka-dot most of the viewer.                       
                                                            
66591 TOBACCO - USING                Wild West Limericks P8602



The whole trouble with airlines is planes                   
With cabins like gullets of cranes.                         
They cram us all in,                                        
Then say with a grin,                                       
"The mechanics still wracking their brains."                
                                                            
66592 VEHICLES - AIR                 K Brews                  



The whole trouble with airlines is planes,                  
'Cause the seats are all covered with stains.               
The bathrooms are too small,                                
To eat, suck, and ball,                                     
And that's why everyone complains!                          
                                                            
66593 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



A young airline hostess named Clode                         
Had not a fixed place of abode.                             
She had tourists in flight                                  
And she made out all right,                                 
For she had her whole show on the road.                     
                                                            
66594 VEHICLES - AIR                 Albin Chaplin            



The whole trouble with airlines is planes,                  
With old wires that can't stand moisture gains,             
Which cause smoke and fire,                                 
When they rot througgh the wire.                            
Don't you wish they'd replace what remains?                 
                                                            
66595 VEHICLES - AIR                 Prof M-G                 



"If Nature had meant mortal clay                            
To fly," asked a traveler named Jay,                        
"Can there be any doubt                                     
She'd have worked the thing out                             
So that airports weren't so far away?"                      
                                                            
66596 VEHICLES - AIR                 A. N. Wilkins       P8810



Two wealthy publicity hounds                                
Are pretending to test human bounds;                        
They'll take a balloon                                      
Halfway to the moon,                                        
In the hope they will be world-renowned.                    
                                                            
66597 VEHICLES - AIR                 Dr Limerick  11-19-01    



The turbulent turbo-prop churns                             
Through pockets of air, and one learns                      
That humble receptacle                                      
Can be so acceptable;                                       
So handy if breakfast returns.                              
                                                            
66598 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tiddy                    



The airline's accountant said, "Crunch                      
The numbers and we'll find a bunch                          
Of ways to cut loss.                                        
When passengers toss                                        
Their breakfast -- reheat it for lunch!"                    
                                                            
66599 VEHICLES - AIR                 Travis Brasell           



We'll call it "Boeuf a la Barf,"                            
British Airways man said with a larf.                       
"Squeamish greenies will see,                               
It's recycled for free,                                     
And cut all our food costs by harf.                         
                                                            
66600 VEHICLES - AIR                 Ron Bevitt               



At the airport a traveler named Lynn,                       
Was wearing a rapturous grin,                               
Till the metal detector                                     
Caused the guards to suspect her.                           
She had left Ben Wa Balls, you know, IN!                    
                                                            
66601 VEHICLES - AIR                 Don Moore           P0302



The whole trouble with airlines is planes;                  
That's why everyone always complains,                       
'Cause carry-on's blow                                      
And you know they should go                                 
Up the passenger's asses with pains.                        
                                                            
66602 VEHICLES - AIR                 Oddo Von Schlong   TP9901



The Chinese just bought a new Boeing                        
For their President's to-ing and fro-ing;                   
The optional package                                        
For electronic trackage                                     
Thrown in free, without their even knowing.                 
                                                            
66603 VEHICLES - AIR                 Dr Limerick  01-20-02    



I went for a flight in a Boeing;                            
What a buzz; my old penis growing.                          
So excited I be,                                            
I went for a pee.                                           
Didn't know, was I coming or going!                         
                                                            
66604 VEHICLES - AIR                 Aussie Owl               



It ain't just a flight in a Boeing                          
That gets my old juices a-flowing;                          
It's sweet stewardesses                                     
In uniform dresses                                          
And turbulence get's me a-going.                            
                                                            
66605 VEHICLES - AIR                 Peter Wilkins            



If the Concorde ever gets off the ground,                   
'Twill produce the most ungodly sound.                      
Those aeronautical darts                                    
Blast out cosmic farts,                                     
That will level a poorly built town.                        
                                                            
66606 VEHICLES - AIR                                     G1396



There has been some poop raining down,                      
Which turned houses and driveways brown.                    
The mystery's not solved                                    
No one is absolved --                                       
We have a crap duster in town!                              
                                                            
66607 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



As a famous curmudgeon and whiner,                          
On a protracted plane ride to China,                        
The whole white knuckled flight                             
He spent sitting upright,                                   
Since inclined to decline a recliner.                       
                                                            
66608 VEHICLES - AIR                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0209



Hey grandad, it's time that you rode                        
An aeroplane.  Can't hold your load?                        
Your guts temperamental?                                    
Fly Incontinental!                                          
Each seat doubles up as commode.                            
                                                            
66609 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



"To all of our aging old friends,                           
Flight Incontinental extends                                
A 'Care Package' free;                                      
Inside you will see                                         
A life-saving box of Depends."                              
                                                            
66610 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



At Incontinental it's said                                  
The crew gives your vessel full head.                       
Then they diaper your bum                                   
And get you to come                                         
In an upright position, instead.                            
                                                            
66611 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



Here's to duct tape: the bonding it brings                  
Has been used to repair many things.                        
'Tis a great bargain buy,                                   
But I'd rather not fly                                      
With an airline that tapes broken wings!                    
                                                            
66612 VEHICLES - AIR                 Anon                     



The young girl at El Al was so nice,                        
As, on the phone she offered advice.                        
A less crowded Monday                                       
Is better than Sunday                                       
To travel, and we won't change the price.                   
                                                            
66613 VEHICLES - AIR                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Though on takeoffs, a pilot named Irving                    
Delighted in swooping and swerving,                         
Going faster than sound                                     
While still on the ground,                                  
His passengers found it unnerving.                          
                                                            
66614 VEHICLES - AIR                 Cyber Geezer             



We depend on the flight engineer                            
If we choose to go "there" from right "here";               
We have a safe flight,                                      
By day or by night,                                         
If he figures exactly - not near.                           
                                                            
66615 VEHICLES - AIR                 R. J. Winkler       P8503



A delayed Frequent-Flyer, I've found,                       
Experiences something profound.                             
You get no extra miles,                                     
Not even more smiles,                                       
Nor credit for time on the ground.                          
                                                            
66616 VEHICLES - AIR                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There's nothing like flying a plane,                        
Unless it's in lightning and rain.                          
I do in my dream,                                           
And sometimes I cream.                                      
Like crashing, it causes a stain.                           
                                                            
66617 VEHICLES - AIR                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The jury impaneled at Lyme                                  
Refused to convict for the crime,                           
Though a tourist one night                                  
Had hijacked a flight,                                      
And had made the crew get there on time.                    
                                                            
66618 VEHICLES - AIR                 A. N. Wilkins       P9005



There was a young fellow named Blaine                       
Who was watching a movie called 'Rain.'                     
He thought it too dry                                       
And walked out, on the sly,                                 
Forgetting he was on a jet plane.                           
                                                            
66619 VEHICLES - AIR                 Clifford M. Christ  P8402



Once a pilot of choppers named Joe,                         
Had a lawn that he hated to mow.                            
Then a notion did dawn:                                     
Now he flattens his lawn                                    
Just by hovering over it low.                               
                                                            
66620 VEHICLES - AIR                 Prof M-G                 



There once was a lady from Maine,                           
Who wanted to build an airplane.                            
She had no way to steer,                                    
And no reverse gear;                                        
That's why she is living in Spain.                          
                                                            
66621 VEHICLES - AIR                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Air hostesses are friendly and gay,                         
Up in the air every day.                                    
But one thing I've found,                                   
When they're on the ground,                                 
They do like to go all the way.                             
                                                            
66622 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tony Burrell             



"In airports today what provokes                            
The Jet Set?" inquired Mr. Stokes.                          
"Their sort thinks it cruddy,"                              
Responded his buddy,                                        
"That they have to mix with plane folks."                   
                                                            
66623 VEHICLES - AIR                 A. N. Wilkins       P8508



When he came in at night to the carrier,                    
His landing got hairy and scarier.                          
His plight became dire                                      
When his hook missed the wire;                              
He was finally saved by the barrier.                        
                                                            
66624 VEHICLES - AIR                 Shelby Forrest           



Said the pilot enroute to Taipei,                           
"I fall short in a masculine way.                           
Though massaging my stump                                   
Going over the hump,                                        
Makes a lttle go quite a long way."                         
                                                            
66625 VEHICLES - AIR                 Arthur Deex         P8303



In the Jet Age you breakfast at home,                       
Eat a leisurely luncheon in Rome,                           
And dine in Bombay,                                         
Many travelers say,                                         
While your luggage all ends up in Nome.                     
                                                            
66626 VEHICLES - AIR                 A. N. Wilkins       P9005



British Airways provides a scotch spree,                    
And Air France?  Just the pure l'eau de vie.                
SAS?  Aquavit.                                              
Aeroflot gives a teat,                                      
And Luftansa?  Schnapps with a plea.                        
                                                            
66627 VEHICLES - AIR                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P9005



The traveler, Little Miss Muffet,                           
Had to fly to Detroit with her tuffet.                      
"If the plane isn't Boeing,"                                
She said, "I'm not going,                                   
Tell Douglas and Airbus to stuff it."                       
                                                            
66628 VEHICLES - AIR                 Dick Potts          P8511



If shooting down planes is your mission,                    
And you have just made this admission,                      
You must first use your brain,                              
Get a gun and a plane.                                      
But you must acquire admonition.                            
                                                            
66629 VEHICLES - AIR                 Al Willis                



I once met this little green man,                           
With a right puzzled look on his pan.                       
"Second star from the right,                                
Was my scheduled flight --                                  
I'll never fly Delta again!"                                
                                                            
66630 VEHICLES - AIR                 KJR                      



I knew there would just be no way,                          
To get home on time yesterday.                              
As always, Northwest,                                       
Puts me to the test,                                        
With the usual three hour delay.                            
                                                            
66631 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



As you give Northwest a poor rating,                        
It sounds like my sex life you're stating;                  
I start making love,                                        
But heavens above,                                          
"Arrival" takes three hours of waiting!                     
                                                            
66632 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



A young airline hostess named Bright                        
Resolved all the boredom of flight.                         
In a manner not rude                                        
She served tea in the nude,                                 
Which gave patrons great joy and delight.                   
                                                            
66633 VEHICLES - AIR                 Albin Chaplin            



"Hey Sir!" barked the flight hostess, "Wait!                
Your bag is too heavy."  "I'm late,"                        
He snapped, "And must go,                                   
So Honey, just stow                                         
My wife down below with the freight."                       
                                                            
66634 VEHICLES - AIR                 Travis Brasell           



Today, when one goes on a flight,                           
A long trip, by day or night,                               
There's so much to be seen                                  
On one's personal screen;                                   
It distracts me from getting quite tight!                   
                                                            
66635 VEHICLES - AIR                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Three Utah men once were emplaned                           
When their landing-gear fluid all drained.                  
They poured coffee and coke                                 
But the gear remained broke.                                
So they peed and safe landing attained.                     
                                                            
66636 VEHICLES - AIR                 Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9702



The whole trouble with airlines is planes;                  
Like the cables cause trouble for cranes.                   
Like husbands and wives,                                    
Things saving our lives                                     
Are the things that cause us such pains.                    
                                                            
66637 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tuscany                  



"Why've planes got propellers?" asked Bet.                  
"I've haven't quite figured it yet."                        
"They're fans, you young fool,                              
To keep pilots cool.                                        
One stops, you should see the man sweat."                   
                                                            
66638 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tiddy                    



The Chief Stewardess on a Boeing,                           
When asked where the aircraft was going,                    
Said, "Our navigator                                        
Is joining us later.                                        
Till then we have no way of knowing."                       
                                                            
66639 VEHICLES - AIR                 Paul Alexander           



There once was a world famous Baron,                        
Who put haughty airs in the air on.                         
Asked why his plane's red,                                  
"'Cause we're fearless," he said,                           
"And that is why we'll win World War One."                  
                                                            
66640 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



Three balloonists, Per, Richard and Steve,                  
Who, at globe circling failed to achieve,                   
Mustn't know Santa's sleigh                                 
Calms the winds in its way...                               
Or they'd plan not to fly Christmas Eve!                    
                                                            
66641 VEHICLES - AIR                 Prof M-G           TP9901



From Eagle Pass to Baltimore,                               
It cost eight thousand and sixty-four,                      
Dollars just to fly,                                        
A box one foot high.                                        
I'm in the wrong business for sure.                         
                                                            
66642 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



Since air cargo's my chosen career,                         
The task that she mentions is clear;                        
For eight thousand and change                               
I, too, could arrange                                       
To charter a Falcon or Lear.                                
                                                            
66643 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



Those guys at Eagle are too steep,                          
And though UPS red is cheap(er),                            
They won't guarantee,                                       
Early delivery,                                             
So TransGroup I'll just have to keep.                       
                                                            
66644 VEHICLES - AIR                                          



"At this point, we've just about crossed                    
The Sahara," announced Captain Frost.                       
All we saw below                                            
Were mountains of snow.                                     
"Then again, we might be slightly lost."                    
                                                            
66645 VEHICLES - AIR                 Michael Weinstein   P9005



Southwest, with your latest advance,                        
You have grown far too big for your pants.                  
'Cause I'm built extra-large,                               
I must pay extra charge?                                    
Will that mean extra service?  Fat chance!                  
(Fat asses => two seats pay double)                         
66646 VEHICLES - AIR                 Limerick Savant          



There once was a girl named Elaine                          
Who fainted on a Spanish Airplane.                          
"How can this be?"                                          
"Well sir, you see                                          
The brain, in Spain, falls mainly on the plane."            
                                                            
66647 VEHICLES - AIR                 Speckle Bird       TP9901



The Goose, it was not really Spruce,                        
Built by that Hughes so abtuse.                             
'Twas birch, far from strongest,                            
But it's wingspan's the longest.                            
Oh that whimsical thinking recluse.                         
                                                            
66648 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tutta Gioia              



The pilots did not mention tail,                            
But the stewardesses did not fail                           
In lap duty then.                                           
Is it different now when                                    
Some cabin attendants are male?                             
                                                            
66649 VEHICLES - AIR                 A. N. Wilkins       P9005



A stewardess, hotly pursued                                 
By the captain (both totally nude)                          
Ran down the aisle                                          
Then stopped with a smile                                   
To dish out the drinks and the food.                        
                                                            
66650 VEHICLES - AIR                 Michael Weinstein   P9005



When airplanes were first seen in the sky,                  
They could not fly too far or too high.                     
If Wright's eyes could perceive,                            
They would not believe                                      
What evolved.  Brings a tear to my eye.                     
                                                            
66651 VEHICLES - AIR                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A would-be circumnavigator, Branson,                        
Owned jumbo-jets you'd lose elephants on.                   
But he, being a loon                                        
Tried to go by balloon                                      
And was glad to escape with his pants on.                   
                                                            
66652 VEHICLES - AIR                 Mesterton-Gibbons  MG9701



"By gum, George, D'you see that there plane?                
Let's see what it dropped," said old Jane.                  
"This fell from that bird,                                  
A bloody great turd;                                        
It's those damn fat-assed Yankees again."                   
                                                            
66653 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tiddy Ogg                



So there were George, taking a pee,                         
Behind a humongous oak tree.                                
He just emptied his tanks,                                  
When bombed by those Yanks,                                 
For shaking his W-M-D.  (weapon of mass destruction)        
                                                            
66654 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tiddy Ogg                



Now Yorkshiremen think it unsound                           
To let these Yank planes fly around.                        
If the bomb they unloaded                                   
Had really exploded,                                        
Repairs could have cost near a pound!                       
                                                            
66655 VEHICLES - AIR                 SFA                      



A simple young fellow named Lee,                            
Flew TWA to Dundee.                                         
When the hostess did say,                                   
"Coffee TWA?"                                               
He said, "No, just TWAT!"                                   
                                                            
66656 VEHICLES - AIR                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2158



Trans World, the great Airline, we see                      
With passengers happy and free.                             
TWA gladly feeds                                            
Most commuting men's needs,                                 
For stewardesses offer TWA tea.                             
                                                            
66657 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tucker D. Ott       P9005



Let's hope pilot's not neophyte,                            
'Cause TYRO, there would be a fright.                       
'Student Pilot' sign                                        
Would make me decline,                                      
And opt for a later date's flight.                          
                                                            
66658 VEHICLES - AIR                 Darryl                   



Those airlines, US and United,                              
Have found that their future is blighted;                   
So too's BMI,  (British Midland)                            
'Cause people won't fly,                                    
And Osama is surely delighted.                              
                                                            
66659 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tiddy Ogg                



They say it was Copilot Falk                                
Whom two passengers stopped on the walk.                    
One said, "On this round                                    
Don't fly faster than sound.                                
My friend here and I want to talk."                         
                                                            
66660 VEHICLES - AIR                 A. N. Wilkins       P9005



Although very few thought they might,                       
Some pioneers dreamed of man's flight.                      
But canvas and string                                       
And a double-deck wing                                      
Proved Wilbur and Orville were Wright.                      
                                                            
66661 VEHICLES - AIR                 Tiddy Ogg                



Across the bright vaulted sky races                         
An array of World War I aces;                               
They follow their orders,                                   
And boldly cross borders,                                   
Ambitious for aerial chases.                                
                                                            
66662 VEHICLES - AIR                 Matthew Montchalin       



Some brain-dead fool thought he would get                   
His girlfriend, quite stupid, to let                        
Him teach her to fly                                        
Via catapult, high                                          
In the air, to be caught in a net.                          
                                                            
66663 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Tiddy                    



She did it, and sure 'nough was caught,                     
By the net, which alas, was too taut.                       
She bounced, landed, broke                                  
Her pelvis; the bloke                                       
May well find himself in the court.                         
                                                            
66664 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Tiddy                    



Said the EP-3 pilot, "A Small                               
Chinese fighter's not much of a haul.                       
And I had to yell, "Mayday!"                                
In the midst of my heyday;                                  
But for peacetime it's not bad at all."                     
                                                            
66665 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Arthur Deex         P0105



I've hinted at fun in Phuket,                               
So we'll take off for Thailand today.                       
Now we're gathering height,                                 
So we'll turn to the right,                                 
Or the left? Oh look down. There's Bombay.                  
                                                            
66666 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Jim Weaver Collection    



This thundercloud's thicker than soup;                      
I'll avoid it by looping the loop,                          
Then we'll roll to the right.                               
(Ow! you're gripping too tight                              
And it's causing a terminal droop.)                         
                                                            
66667 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh wow! Did you see that, my pet?                           
We so nearly flew into that jet.                            
And I had to dive down;                                     
Now my trousers are brown                                   
And your panties are probably wet.                          
                                                            
66668 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Jim Weaver Collection    



Now at 45,000 plus feet                                     
We've achieved quite a record, my sweet.                    
'Cos you can't get much higher                              
In this craft made of wire                                  
And old string. Now hold on to your seat.                   
                                                            
66669 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh Phuket, I see it below.                                  
Now we'll dive down to 3 feet or so.                        
Oh my god, you've gone white;                               
Are you feeling all right?                                  
Shall we give it another good go?                           
                                                            
66670 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Jim Weaver Collection    



Bloody wheels have dropped off in the sand!                 
How the hell are we going to land?                          
And the coast of Phuket                                     
Has gone zooming away                                       
In the blink of an eye. Ain't life grand!!                  
                                                            
66671 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Jim Weaver Collection    



Look, I know, dearest Petal, I know,                        
We've got hundreds of miles still to go.                    
But whatever's the matter,                                  
You're mad as a hatter;                                     
Stop kicking my bits down below.                            
                                                            
66672 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Jim Weaver Collection    



My flying career got the shaft --                           
Got caught in a sudden downdraft.                           
I flew not again;                                           
I just lost the yen,                                        
After I crashed that Beechcraft.                            
                                                            
66673 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Tutta                    



The rescuers dug unabashed,                                 
News of new victims they flashed;                           
Just a grisly affair...                                     
A graveyard was where                                       
That Cessna two-seater had crashed.                         
                                                            
66674 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         TuttaGioia               



There once was a man from old Mass,                         
Whose head was far up his ass.                              
He had flown TWA                                            
And all I can say                                           
Is he didn't survive the crash!                             
                                                            
66675 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Joe Kohn                 



Oh lover, that landing was grand!                           
You've driven us two miles inland!                          
And caused me to spasm                                      
In countless orgasm.                                        
(and filled up my bumcrack with sand!)                      
                                                            
66676 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH                                  



But what about you, my sweet dove?                          
Got grit when you gave me that shove?                       
Well show me your wiener                                    
And I'll lick it cleaner --                                 
(Then we'll see a geyser, my love!)                         
                                                            
66677 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH                                  



High-voltage electrical games                               
Near combustible gas no one aims;                           
'Round one big funeral pyre,                                
Some said Saint Elmo's Fire                                 
Sent the Hindenburg crashing in flames!                     
                                                            
66678 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Allen Wolverton          



A daring young man from Rangoon                             
Flew away in a hot air balloon.                             
He was humbled, alas,                                       
When he ran out of gas                                      
In a lonely lagoon about noon.                              
                                                            
66679 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Howard B Cress           



A pilot named Manuel Bain                                   
Was flying his glider through Spain;                        
The winds became high,                                      
He was tossed from the sky,                                 
And he crashed in the hilly terrain.                        
                                                            
66680 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Cap'n Bean          P0108



We're told by the powers that be                            
That the airplane crash most probably                       
Was an accident,                                            
With no evil intent,                                        
But it all looks suspicious to me.                          
(American Airlines A-300 crashes in Queens)                 
66681 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Dr Limerick  11-12-01    



There was a young man from Al Qaida,                        
Who dive bombed his father's hang glider.                   
But 'twas not Jihad                                         
Killed the lad, said his dad,                               
But the twelve pints of Olde English cider!                 
                                                            
66682 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Alexander Baron          



There was a young man called Mark                           
Who wanted to fly like a lark.                              
So with string and a motor,                                 
Made a hang-glider-floater                                  
And made a BIG hole in the Park.                            
                                                            
66683 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH                                  



As they fished his old plane from the sea,                  
The inventor just chortled with glee.                       
I shall build -- and he laughed --                          
A submarine craft,                                          
A perhaps it will fly -- we shall see.                      
                                                            
66684 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Nik Synytskyy            



The stewardess spoke calm and nice:                         
"'Neath your seat's a flotation device."                    
That ain't worth a toot!                                    
It's a damned parachute                                     
We'll need if we fall from the skies.                       
                                                            
66685 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Tiddy Ogg                



The big-wigs are wondering why                              
Our Stealth Fighter test went awry.                         
Though it cannot be seen,                                   
Those Serb guys got mean                                    
And blew it right out of the sky.                           
                                                            
66686 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH                                  



The Wright Brothers flew their airliner;                    
Of pilots there haven't been finer.                         
They stayed on their course                                 
And had no remorse...                                       
Unlike a dumb "hotdog" from Chiner.                         
                                                            
66687 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         Travis Brasell           



Twenty cheerleaders chartered a flight;                     
Things went wrong and their chances grew slight.            
Though the crewmen were brutes,                             
There were only three 'chutes,                              
And three crewmen to ponder their plight.                   
                                                            
66688 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         John Miller 0332         



"We can save our own butts, that is clear,                  
But what of those girls in the rear?"                       
"Aw, fuck 'em!" said one.                                   
"Say that would be fun --                                   
Is there time?" asked the Flight Engineer.                  
                                                            
66689 VEHICLES - AIR - CRASH         John Miller 0332a        



A crack bombadier named Joe Caine                           
Used to crap from the rear of his plane.                    
With each bomb he sent down                                 
Came a load, hot and brown.                                 
But he stopped when they wrote to complain.                 
                                                            
66690 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Michael Weinstein   P8406



The crew drank a gallon of wine;                            
The stewardess said, "We'll be fine."                       
With one hand on the stick,                                 
One on co-pilot's dick,                                     
"Ground controllers will keep us in line."                  
                                                            
66691 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Said the pilot to co- while dead drunk,                     
"This flight's gonna be a slam-dunk.                        
When we land at St. Paul                                    
A taxi we'll call.                                          
You can't drive 'cause you're drunk as a skunk."            
                                                            
66692 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A pilot who drank to excess,                                
Never gave a thought to the mess.                           
He would fly wide and high,                                 
Without a care why.                                         
He is not around to confess.                                
                                                            
66693 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Jeffrey Beeton           



Said the pilot to co-pilot, Pat,                            
In the airport's small lounge where they sat:               
"Very soon we'll be high                                    
in the friendly blue sky."                                  
Said the co-pilot, "I'll drink to that."                    
                                                            
66694 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



The test pilot got a comission;                             
Study free-fall effects on emission.                        
But he got a banger                                         
When leaving the hangar,                                    
Thus screwing the whole fucking mission.                    
                                                            
66695 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        John Miller              



Although there's no highway up there,                       
It is safer to travel by air,                               
Than to drive on the road                                   
When you carry a load.                                      
Aircraft head-on collisions are rare.                       
                                                            
66696 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        William N Nesbit    P0209



"This new autopilot," said Fritz,                           
The captain, "Does all I do; it's                           
Amazing!" Said Lil,                                         
The stewardess, "Will                                       
It goose me and feel up my tits?"                           
                                                            
66697 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Michael Weinstein   P9005



Jet pilots lead a very fast life,                           
It's hard for them having a wife.                           
Athens, Paris or Rome,                                      
They are rarely at home;                                    
When they are, it can lead to much strife.                  
                                                            
66698 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Arthur Pattaffy          



A vet pilot of Airtrans renown,                             
Who in Vietnam twice was shot down,                         
Lost his nose cone to hail,                                 
But kept cool, without fail                                 
To land safe in a Tennessee town!                           
                                                            
66699 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Prof M-G                 



The flight crew on whiskey was high                         
They said, while preparing to fly,                          
"Let's all have a beer                                      
There's nothing to fear                                     
There are no traffic cops in the sky."                      
                                                            
66700 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A horny young pilot from JAX  (Jacksonville)                
Filled too many stewardesses CRAX.                          
Said his doc, "Sat to tell,                                 
Your male organ's unwell:                                   
You'll have to go West and reLAX (Los Angeles)              
                                                            
66701 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Armand E Singer       104



Test pilot Jill took friend Jack up                         
To fly in right seat as a back up.                          
When she flew upside down,  (While in inverted flight,)     
He then wired the ground    (He reported his plight)        
He was certain that she'd have a crack up.                  
                                                            
66702 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Bob Giandomenico    P9005



If you fly for America West,                                
You must take a sobriety test.                              
It's a pain in the ass                                      
But you surely will pass,                                   
If you don't grab a passenger's breast.                     
                                                            
66703 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



Horace Greeley has weathered time's test;                   
His advice ranks as some of the best.                       
Pilots vying to thrive,                                     
When they're too drunk to drive,                            
He suggests, "Fly American West."                           
                                                            
66704 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Loren C Fitzhugh    P0209



The telephone, they couldn't dial it.                       
Their new car, they're afraid they'd pile it.               
They were too drunk to drive                                
But were sure they'd survive                                
By using the plane's autopilot.                             
                                                            
66705 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Tom Patton          P0209



She wanted to fly in the RAF;                               
The recruiters thought this a good laugh.                   
There's no place for you flying,                            
There are many men dying.                                   
You may find a place in the WAAF.                           
                                                            
66706 VEHICLES - AIR - PILOTS        Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow named Raft                         
Amazed by the size of aircraft.                             
To Japan he was going                                       
On a flight on a Boeing,                                    
With two whorehouses fore and one aft.                      
                                                            
66707 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-2244



Were I on a French SST,                                     
I am sure there would certainly be                          
A beautiful stew,                                           
Whose task would be to                                      
Enlarge my entire joie de vivre.                            
                                                            
66708 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Norm Storer              



A highflying harlot named Jane                              
Below ten thousand feet did abstain.                        
Though some clients objected                                
Yet her view was respected,                                 
For she fucked on a much higher plane.                      
                                                            
66709 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin            



We made love in our suite while in Spain,                   
And our passion unleashed on the train.                     
But the time we're most proud                               
Is the flight through the cloud;                            
Having sex in full view on the plane.                       
                                                            
66710 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Allen Wolverton          



While flying their plane over Burma,                        
A pilot and his girlfriend Irma,                            
Went into a spin                                            
While committing sin,                                       
And they bit the old terra firma!                           
                                                            
66711 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Observer                 



This proves one great truth that I've found,                
So simple but yet so profound:                              
Obsession with sex                                          
Will mentally vex,                                          
Until folks will drive sex into the ground!                 
                                                            
66712 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Travis Brasell           



A pilot and one of his crew,                                
Were stranded with nothing to do.                           
They decided to dine,                                       
So she poured the wine;                                     
And he ended up making the stew.                            
                                                            
66713 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Pierce Evans             



A charming French miss named Odette                         
Set a record for sex in a jet.                              
At speeds supersonic                                        
Her vagina went clonic,                                     
And her orgasms haven't stopped yet.                        
(clonic - serial spasms)                                    
66714 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING                          G2637



A vacationing lady named Violet                             
Took a plane to a far away islet.                           
She slept sound in her seat                                 
And did not feel the meat                                   
Of the captain, the steward and pilot.                      
                                                            
66715 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-0771



When the Baron is faced with a choice,                      
At the airport he parks his Rolls Royce,                    
Then goes up in a plane                                     
And he fondles Miss Jane,                                   
While slipping his joy stick to Joyce.                      
                                                            
66716 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-0082



The Birds and the Bees got it right;                        
It's more fun to do it in flight.                           
In planes or balloons,                                      
With chicks or baboons,                                     
When weightless, they're all a delight!                     
                                                            
66717 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Mark Levy           P9604



The new flight attendant was fishin',                       
The Mile-High Club was her mission.                         
Too bad, after dinner,                                      
The crew locked her in her                                  
Original upright position.                                  
                                                            
66718 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Anon                     



Abandoned am I, high and dry.                               
The Captain left, I don't know why.                         
I guess he's not repentant                                  
For screwing Lieutenant                                     
Marlene; that was pie in the sky.                           
                                                            
66719 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Cyber Wizard             



There was a young girl from Neptune                         
Who went up in a hot air balloon.                           
The girl was quite hot                                      
But the pilot was not,                                      
And he always came down too soon.                           
                                                            
66720 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Neal Wilgus         P8211



There was a young lady named Violet,                        
Who flew to a far-away islet.                               
But she found it so boring                                  
That she started in whoring;                                
She was screwed by the captain and pilot.                   
                                                            
66721 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin            



The couple who shagged on a plane                           
Ignored all requests to refrain.                            
Their passions astray,                                      
I've just this to say:                                      
Just tell me when she flies again!                          
                                                            
66722 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING                               



This airline had clients excited;                           
Their stockholders, too, are delighted.                     
Their commercials declare,                                  
"If you travel by air,                                      
Spread our friendly thighs, fly united!"                    
                                                            
66723 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Bob Giandomenico    P9005



A novice young hostess named Jane                           
Was fucked as she flew in a plane.                          
She remarked with a sigh,                                   
"It was fun; I felt high;                                   
And I think I will try it again."                           
                                                            
66724 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Albin Chaplin   3024-2132



The couple who shagged on a plane                           
Ignored all requests to refrain.                            
Their passions astray...                                    
I've just this to say:                                      
Just tell me when she flies again                           
                                                            
66725 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING                               



A pilot who lost his propellor                              
Told the stewardess, "Really, Miss Weller,                  
This is no time for sex...                                  
Things are just too complex!"                               
She hollered, "Aw nuts, you're just yeller!"                
                                                            
66726 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Grand Prix Lim  221      



An announcement startled first class --                     
"I could use a stiff drink and some ass!"                   
The stew raced up the aisle --                              
Said 3B with a smile,                                       
"But miss, you've forgotten his glass."                     
                                                            
66727 VEHICLES - AIR - SCREWING      Martin Wellborn     P9005



I'm sitting right here in this chair                        
Surrounded by airplanes - out there.                        
They squat in the dark,                                     
Malevolently park,                                          
Awaiting their turn in the air.                             
                                                            
66728 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



I've not even got on the plane.                             
If I had just half of a brain,                              
I'd leave here right now,                                   
Convince work, somehow,                                     
That I am in the most severe pain.                          
                                                            
66729 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



There's weirdos all over the place;                         
They have made the airport their base.                      
(I think some are spies!)                                   
And if I'd been wise,                                       
I'd have sneaked in my can of mace.                         
                                                            
66730 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



This little man offers me sex.                              
He says he has travelers' checks.                           
Good grief what a place!                                    
(It can't be my face;                                       
I look like I've been in some wrecks!)                      
                                                            
66731 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



The guy in the purple shirt leers,                          
"Let me rid you of all your fears."                         
He's sweaty - the smell!                                    
I stand up and yell,                                        
"Were you raised without any mirrors?"                      
                                                            
66732 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



I am overwrought, well, that's true.                        
I do not like flying, do you?                               
I don't want to go;                                         
There's no one I know;                                      
I'll be all alone there and blue.                           
                                                            
66733 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



The cure for this dreadful affliction?                      
A chastity belt and restriction                             
Of movement. (Suggest                                       
That a straight-jacket's best                               
To prevent any bodily friction.)                            
                                                            
66734 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



A lady who held 'em all in,                                 
And never once flapped sphincter skin,                      
Rose into the air.                                          
A crowd gathered there;                                     
Debating blimp? Or Zeppelin?                                
                                                            
66735 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



The hot summer sun swelled her more.                        
The pressure she bore and she bore.                         
She vanished in clouds                                      
To "oohs" from the crowds,                                  
A legend of UFO lore.                                       
                                                            
66736 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



Like Marlene I try not to fly;                              
I'm most afraid that I will die.                            
So I grip the seat tight;                                   
Hold on with my might;                                      
I lift that plane up in the sky.                            
                                                            
66737 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Archie                   



Most people won't concentrate hard;                         
We who understand have to guard.                            
We must concentrate                                         
In an airborne crate,                                       
Else planes will crash in some backyard.                    
                                                            
66738 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I could fly United with you                                 
(Though flying on Quantas would do).                        
If you will think hard                                      
Without self-regard,                                        
We could keep the plane flying true.                        
                                                            
66739 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I'm not at all bothered to fly.                             
The following thought made me sigh:                         
I would be delighted                                        
If we flew united;                                          
We'd join in that club that's mile high.                    
                                                            
66740 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank Fazed              



Frank just wishes someone would dub                         
Him "Gold Member: Mile-high Club."                          
(If I may be bold --                                        
His member is gold.                                         
I saw it last week in the tub.)                             
                                                            
66741 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I would make a run for the gold.                            
It is such a sight to behold.                               
But fly, I cannot,                                          
Even with a sexpot;                                         
My stomach cannot be controlled.                            
                                                            
66742 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



Perhaps you could make me forget                            
That we're flying in some darn jet.                         
To fly without drugs                                        
I will give you hugs;                                       
I'll be forever in your debt.                               
                                                            
66743 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



Okay, I'll go flying with you;                              
If you'll take the chance, I will too.                      
United we fly                                               
Till we are mile-high,                                      
Providing a show for the crew                               
                                                            
66744 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I'm sure you'll enjoy flying soon,                          
Especially when you see the moon.                           
It's such a grand sight                                     
On a cloudless night                                        
When viewed from my hot air balloon.                        
                                                            
66745 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank Fazed              



We may not get up a mile high                               
Past sundown (that's the reason why).                       
No duct tape will mask it,                                  
When we rock the basket;                                    
You might give the gold one more try.                       
                                                            
66746 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank Fazed              



Frank, you're a romanatic, my dear.                         
I think I'll let go of my fear.                             
You make my heart ache.                                     
So please, will you take                                    
Me up in the air that's so clear?                           
                                                            
66747 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



Ballooning sounds like the right way                        
To go flying any good day.                                  
The basket may rock;                                        
It won't be a shock,                                        
If this softens my feet of clay.                            
                                                            
66748 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



Baloons are much lighter than air.                          
I might just be able to bear                                
Not touching the earth                                      
In your basket berth.                                       
You've swept me off my feet with flair!                     
                                                            
66749 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



My heart your sweet mind does enfold;                       
Together we'll go for the gold.                             
Take me for a flight;                                       
We will be alright.                                         
It's more fun than I was told!                              
                                                            
66750 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I offered to 'take you' on high,                            
But now the air stream passes by.                           
The lighter, alas,                                          
Won't fire the gas.                                         
If you have no match, we won't fly!                         
                                                            
66751 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank                    



I know there's one thing we might do.                       
If I get buck naked, will you?                              
I'll nuzzle your thigh,                                     
And then sparks will fly,                                   
Igniting the flame to burn blue.                            
                                                            
66752 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank                    



The flame's turned form orange to blue;                     
'Twas caused by the heat 'tween us two.                     
It isn't surprising,                                        
There is something rising...                                
Oh look, the balloon is rising too!                         
                                                            
66753 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank                    



You still need a match?  Will I do?                         
I see that you've thought of that, too.                     
I thought I was ready --                                    
I wore this black teddy.                                    
A good thing you don't have a crew!                         
                                                            
66754 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



Buck Naked!  Well, I suppose...                             
If you prefer me without clothes.                           
I'll nuzzle your back.                                      
You have got the knack.                                     
You look awfully good in repose.                            
                                                            
66755 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I've noticed some things on the rise.                       
I'll soon fill the air with my cries.                       
"Don't rock the basket!                                     
We might blow a gasket!                                     
I can't stand anything that flies!"                         
                                                            
66756 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I know, I know -- I'm such a wimp.                          
But look!  The balloon's getting limp!                      
Don't wiggle that way;                                      
We're starting to sway!                                     
I should not have bothered to primp.                        
                                                            
66757 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I fell from the basket you see.                             
And he fell right on top of me.                             
We fell in the mud.                                         
Well, I've had it, Bud!                                     
I am limping home for some tea.                             
                                                            
66758 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Marlene                  



I do try, the best that I can,                              
But things don't quite follow the plan.                     
And after a thud,                                           
In that pit of mud,                                         
I'm really a dirty old man.                                 
                                                            
66759 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank                    



Smoked no weed, no booze was sipped.                        
We hadn't a chance to get ripped.                           
I wasn't able                                               
To keep things stable,                                      
And dammit, that basket got tipped.                         
                                                            
66760 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank                    



Limp off in a snit if you must;                             
I'd no thought the balloon would bust.                      
Go on, brew your tea;                                       
Don't worry about me.                                       
All this mud has dampened my lust.                          
                                                            
66761 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Frank                    



Two jet fighters flew overhead                              
And sped to a sunset of red;                                
When they reached full throttle,                            
I reached for the twattle                                   
Of Heather who lay on my bed.                               
                                                            
66762 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Travis Brasell           



Now one of those pilots Captain Turner,                     
Who's married to Heather, is sterner                        
Than most, and a joker.                                     
He'll take a hot poker                                      
And give you a real afterburner.                            
                                                            
66763 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



What I'm telling, you're not gonna like;                    
At the airport they said take a hike.                       
We don't fly to your honey,                                 
For we're asking more money;                                
We're Lufthansa pilots on strike.                           
                                                            
66764 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



So I have now to drive east by car;                         
(For a hike it's a bit far too far).                        
Thus be patient and wait,                                   
I'll arrive some time late,                                 
But you can leave the front door ajar.                      
                                                            
66765 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



We waited in vain at O'Hare,                                
But no Fred; we were full of despair.                       
He had the money,                                           
So it wasn't funny;                                         
One hot dog was what we had to share.                       
                                                            
66766 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Sal R                    



We asked strangers to cash a small check.                   
They said "NO!" and we said "Oh heck!"                      
We left the airport,                                        
A broke hungry sort,                                        
And all of us felt like a wreck.                            
                                                            
66767 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Sal R                    



We didn't know if Fred was okay.                            
Slowly the night passed away.                               
A telegram late                                             
Caused a mix-up in date,                                    
But he arrived safely, next day.                            
                                                            
66768 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Sal R                    



Fifty harlots attired in thir slacks                        
For a meeting in L.A. made tracks.                          
Their DC-10 flight                                          
Was canceled outright,                                      
For the airplane had too many cracks.                       
                                                            
66769 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Albin Chaplin   3024-1662



A DC-10 trip bound for Spain                                
With 200 whores was in vain.                                
Said the F-double-A,                                        
"You are grounded today --                                  
There are too many cracks in the plane."                    
                                                            
66770 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES       Al Chaplin 3024     P9005



Dutch pilot, in low level flight,                           
Came over the hill into sight                               
Of two Scottish cops,                                       
With their measuring box,                                   
To catch speeding cars.  One says: "Right...                
                                                            
66771 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



"Now Jack, we could have us some fun,                       
Let's check on the speed of that one,"                      
So at the Tornado                                           
Without further say so,                                     
He points with his detector gun.                            
                                                            
66772 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



The plane's systems aren't unaffected:                      
<Enemy radar detected.>                                     
The pilot's alarmed.                                        
<The port missile's armed>                                  
<Targetting has been effected.>                             
                                                            
66773 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



But luckily for that there copper,                          
Who really might have come a cropper,                       
Dutch Jan pushed <Abort>,                                   
He thought it no sport,                                     
The missile stayed put, he'd not drop 'er.                  
                                                            
66774 VEHICLES - AIR - ZSERIES                                



You looked so arousing while pump-                          
ing those pedals; it seemed you were hump-                  
ing my hollyhock, dear;                                     
It excited me...here...                                     
I could not take my eyes off your rump.                     
                                                            
66775 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



...Which I dreamed I was screwing and plumbing;             
But just as you shouted, "I'm coming!"                      
You crashed once again,                                     
While I sailed down the lane                                
With a stiffy outstanding and humming.                      
                                                            
66776 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



I quickly changed downwards a gear                          
And I braked with such violence, I fear,                    
That I flew through the air                                 
And I landed just...there...                                
No, this cycling's a stupid idea!                           
                                                            
66777 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



But you need a reliable source                              
Of good transport; not push-bikes, of course;               
And you've damaged the wheels                               
Of my automobiles,                                          
So I guess you could borrow my horse.                       
                                                            
66778 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



There once was a boy named Ken Crockett,                    
Whose pants leg got caught in his sprocket.                 
When his crotch hit the bar,                                
Young Kenny sat stars,                                      
And knew his balls were now in his pocket.                  
                                                            
66779 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Laurence Craft           



When making a cross-country hike,                           
I stick to the overland pike;                               
I never use rivers --                                       
They give me the shivers,                                   
For my barque is much worse than my bike.                   
                                                            
66780 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Norm Storer         P9207



The tile in my bathroom is striking,                        
But it's not to my beloved's liking.                        
She rants, "Rose, not red!                                  
What's wrong with your head?                                
Wear your helmet when you go out biking!"                   
                                                            
66781 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Spencer                  



A lady mountain-biker named Bunny                           
Tells all her girl friends, "Honey,                         
If you girls want a man,                                    
Ride your bike when you can:                                
The odds are at least fifty to one-y!"                      
                                                            
66782 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



There was a young man of Aberdeen                           
Who on cycling and juggling was keen.                       
One day he tried both                                       
Though his girl friend was loath;                           
Changed his name overnight to 'Doreen'.                     
                                                            
66783 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



There was a young lady from Thrace                          
Who had whiskers on half of her face.                       
As you may surmise,                                         
She garnished first prize                                   
At a six-day bisexual race.                                 
                                                            
66784 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                G2531



In Holland, locating your bike,                             
Is a job, 'cause they all look alike.                       
Until they're designed                                      
To be easy to find,                                         
I suggest that you purchase a trike.                        
                                                            
66785 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



To baker's shop rides Antoinette,                           
Each morning on her bicyclette...                           
You think these streets, cobbled,                           
Will do what a knob'ld?                                     
You watch where she sticks that baguette!                   
                                                            
66786 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Tiddy Ogg                



The bicycle seat fairly groans,                             
And excited Sally just moans,                               
And sighs as she glides                                     
In a daze while she rides                                   
The circle paved with cobblestones.                         
                                                            
66787 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



There once was a girl with no seat                          
On the bike that she rode down to Crete;                    
She elected a byway                                         
Instead of a hiway,                                         
To maximize cobblestone street.                             
                                                            
66788 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Hugh Clary               



Smiled a widow, that poor Mrs. Spode,                       
"We relicts haul a real heavy load;                         
But don't rot on the shelf;                                 
Try indulging yourself:                                     
Ride your bike on a cobblestone road."                      
                                                            
66789 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Armand E Singer       824



I wish the coeds on their bikes                             
Would stop at the traffic lights.                           
If only they could                                          
Ride where they should,                                     
I'd drive slowly and take in the sights.                    
                                                            
66790 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Ron O               P9102



A lady went biking with Reichert                            
And later complained that the hike hurt.                    
He said, "A good lay                                        
Makes the pain go away."                                    
But she said, in her crotch was a bike hurt.                
                                                            
66791 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Albin Chaplin   3024-2257



Poor bill was cycling in the rain,                          
When he needed a piss from the strain.                      
But when closing his zip,                                   
He caught his little dick,                                  
And screamed as it cut through his vein.                    
                                                            
66792 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



Two nuns, while obeying all laws,                           
In Paris, on bikes, had to pause.                           
Exclaimed Sister Rene,                                      
"It's fun coming this way,                                  
These cobblestoes must be the cause.                        
                                                            
66793 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Bob Giandomenico    P9507



Said a girl, with a look close to pain,                     
On her bicycle, on rough terrain,                           
"I've enjoyed every ounce                                   
Of the jiggle and bounce,                                   
But I'll never come this way again."                        
                                                            
66794 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young sportsman named Peel                      
Who went for a trip on his wheel.                           
He pedalled for days                                        
Through crepuscular haze,                                   
And returned feeling somewhat unreal.                       
                                                            
66795 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Edward Gorey             



A hard-peddling hooker named Syke                           
Always peddled her cunt on a bike.                          
She sniggered, "The seat                                    
Keeps my pussy in heat,                                     
Which of course, is an item I like."                        
                                                            
66796 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Gramd Prix Lim    9 G2247



Officials of the Tour de France,                            
For drugs, must investigate Lance.                          
But we shouldn't be nervous                                 
'Cause our Postal Service                                   
Hires no one performance enhanced.                          
                                                            
66797 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Dr Limerick  11-07-00    



An "outdoorsy" chick, fond of hikin',                       
Soon learned she preferred mountain bikin'.                 
For when hiking on rocks,                                   
"Yuckies" stuck to her socks.                               
(Itchy crisp crunchies called lichen.)                      
                                                            
66798 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Beaker                   



Sex is like riding a bike?                                  
It's something all humans should like?                      
With natural grace,                                         
Fall into embrace --                                        
But me?  I fall off of my trike.                            
                                                            
66799 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Marlene Lewis            



Don't think it's like riding a bike,                        
But I'm sure there are girlies who like                     
To go riding side-saddle;                                   
Their pussies astraddle                                     
The end of that saddle-less spike.                          
                                                            
66800 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



We all know you're talking pure twaddle;                    
We all know why girls ride side-saddle.                     
That seat up your snatch                                    
Can give a good scratch,                                    
But when you dismount, you will waddle.                     
                                                            
66801 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Frank SFA                



Well, innocent me could not know                            
How all this bike riding would go.                          
My bike is worn out,                                        
But please do not pout.                                     
You could give my tires a blow.                             
                                                            
66802 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Marlene Lewis            



I may mountain-bike many a mile,                            
Or sit and read books for awhile.                           
But the best dividends                                      
Come from time spent with friends;                          
I'm not rich, but I manage to smile.                        
                                                            
66803 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Jerry Nordhal            



I ride bikes on the mountain all day;                       
I look in my shorts in dismay.                              
I'd quit riding my bike,                                    
But I'm not keen to hike;                                   
My plans for a family mislaid.                              
                                                            
66804 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Anon                     



"I think I shall go for a spin,                             
On my bicycle," uttered Miss Lynn.                          
"But are you aware                                          
That the saddle's not there?"                               
I said.  "Yes," she replied with a grin.                    
                                                            
66805 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



I cannot get fuel for my car;                               
No unleaded nor even four star.                             
But I'll get on my bike                                     
And go where I like,                                        
As long as it's not very far.                               
                                                            
66806 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Ally Belfagan            



There once was a boy named Mike,                            
Who loved to ride on his bike.                              
One day in the fall                                         
He drove into a wall;                                       
From now on he'd just rather hike.                          
                                                            
66807 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Zekow              TP9804



While taking a walk just last June,                         
A crazed and perverted old loon                             
Was caught sniffing seats,                                  
By cops on the beats,                                       
While searching for bicycle poon.                           
                                                            
66808 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



Ingenious indeed was young Hugh;                            
His girl also cleverness knew.                              
For a ride they did go                                      
And had three in a row                                      
On a bicycle fashioned for two.                             
                                                            
66809 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Albin Chaplin   3024-0205



A very keen cyclist named Eels                              
Built a bike that had two oval wheels.                      
And if you asked why,                                       
As he passed, he'd reply:                                   
"I just want to know how it feels."                         
                                                            
66810 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Funfax Limericks         



After work I was really quite beat;                         
Biking home I felt cold on my seat.                         
The wind it had shifted;                                    
My skirt it had lifted;                                     
I was pedaling my arse on the street!                       
                                                            
66811 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



A whore with a face like a hound,                           
Complained that her sales were down.                        
Till a lover named Michael                                  
Bought her a cycle,                                         
Now she pedals ass all over town.                           
                                                            
66812 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Jim Weaver Collection    



A peppy young boy name of Michael                           
Said "Making the trip on my bike'll                         
Be faster I bet.                                            
If things I forget,                                         
I guess I'll just have to recycle."                         
                                                            
66813 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



"If reincarnated, I'd like                                  
To be," said philosopher Mike,                              
Not fish, fowl, or jackass.                                 
I want to come back as                                      
The saddle on young Katie's bike.                           
                                                            
66814 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Tiddy Ogg                



He died and his wish did come true;                         
A consequence happening to few.                             
But oh, how he cussed                                       
And lost all his lust                                       
For she sold it to fat sweaty Lou.                          
                                                            
66815 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            tIDDY oGG                



There was a bicyclist named Lucy,                           
Whose sweet little twat was quite juicy.                    
She'd ride 'til she came,                                   
Okay, the rest is quite lame...                             
But I still love to think of her pussy!                     
                                                            
66816 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



Among Amsterdam roads ossified,                             
Two girls on their bikes took a ride.                       
One turned to say                                           
"I've never come this way."                                 
It's the cobblestones," the other replied.                  
                                                            
66817 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Res Ipsa                 



A gallant young Frenchman named Brandon,                    
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.                          
At the height of the make,                                  
She slammed on the brake,                                   
And scattered his semen at random.                          
                                                            
66818 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                L1168



While biking, a whore name of Gump                          
Sucked the seat up her cunt with a whump.                   
She was thilled with delight                                
So she rammed it up tight                                   
With the end of a bicycle pump.                             
                                                            
66819 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Albin Chaplin   3024-2977



A bicycle buff name of Pete                                 
Would cycle each day with his sweet;                        
Then he'd send her away                                     
And the rest of the day                                     
He would sniff at the bicycle seat.                         
                                                            
66820 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Albin Chaplin 3024  P8708



A lad in our town folks called Pete,                        
Had a fetish he thought really neat.                        
It was funny, the fix,                                      
In the way he got kicks.                                    
He would sniff a girl's bicycle seat!                       
                                                            
66821 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Clarence E. Boyle   P8708



A bicycle buff name of Keats                                
Watched the girls doing bicycle feats.                      
And right after they raced,                                 
He ran over in haste                                        
To sniff at the bicycle seats.                              
                                                            
66822 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Albin Chaplin   3024-1872



While taking a walk just last June,                         
A crazed and perverted old loon                             
Was caught sniffing seats                                   
By a cop on the beat,                                       
While searching for bicycle poon.                           
                                                            
66823 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Archie                   



That June was so wet, she would paddle,                     
Whenever she sat on the saddle.                             
But when she'd dismount,                                    
Stiff heads you could count;                                
Instead of a sashay, she'd waddle.                          
                                                            
66824 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Cubby                    



'Twas I that made that excursion;                           
But why do you call it perversion?                          
When you've not a buck                                      
To pay for a fuck,                                          
It makes for a pleasant diversion.                          
                                                            
66825 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Tiddy Ogg                



Amid all the jeers and applause                             
On his stag-night, young Timothy scores                     
With the neighborhood bicycle;                              
Once, twice and thricycle.                                  
Guess he'll soon notice the sores.                          
                                                            
66826 VEHICLES - BICYCLES                                     



A girl on a tandem I need,                                  
In front of me working up speed.                            
I'd watch her cute rump                                     
With a yearning to hump;                                    
It would give me great pleasure, indeed!                    
                                                            
66827 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            PeterW                   



And when we dismount from the bike,                         
At the nearest convenient dike,                             
I'd show her my stuff                                       
And dive on her muff                                        
Or most anything else she would like.                       
                                                            
66828 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



Now'd you know I mean dike and not dyke,                    
Those mannish girls other girls like.                       
If for four days in a row                                   
You want semen to flow,                                     
Stay away from a tandem bike.                               
                                                            
66829 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            S C Saint                



Though bruised, an old lady from Michigan,                  
To ride on a bike had an itch again;                        
But just as before,                                         
Her steering was poor,                                      
And she finished, head first, in the ditch again.           
                                                            
66830 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Tiddy Ogg                



On my ten-speed I plan to go flying,                        
Ignoring judgmental friends' sighing.                       
Down the hill, what a rush!                                 
On my face there's a flush --                               
'Tis age, not gravity, I'm defying.                         
                                                            
66831 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Jenni Saqua              



It isn't defiance, my sweet,                                
Nor chronologic defeat,                                     
That keeps you astride                                      
That ten-speed two-wheeled ride,                            
But bouncing around on the seat.                            
                                                            
66832 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Cyber Wizard             



I confess, biking's more than a dare;                       
'Tis my figure about which I care.                          
But right now I must swim                                   
If I want to stay slim;                                     
When I return, we'll discuss savoir-faire?                  
                                                            
66833 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Jenni Saqua              



I've savoired the smell of a rose,                          
And savoired some girls I suppose.                          
But you make me wary;                                       
You said "savoir-faire?"                                    
I never could savoir one of THOSE!                          
                                                            
66834 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Peter Wilkins            



An ilicit alchemic supply                                   
Brought a Tour de France coach, a goodbye.                  
Though the coach was ill-stressed,                          
And some cyclists depressed,                                
Seems, in general, they're still riding high.               
(Tour de France cyclists used ilicit drugs 1998)            
66835 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Knotweed                 



In the last Tour de France, Anton Shykel                    
Was dismissed by those sneering, "Your bike'll              
Not survive the next grade."                                
But his timing dismayed                                     
Then.  His was a circadian cycle.                           
                                                            
66836 VEHICLES - BICYCLES            Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9407



A biker called Dangerous Clyde                              
Asked Suzy would she be his bride.                          
Though she didn't adore him,                                
She thought, "Why ignore him,                               
I'll just go along for the ride."                           
                                                            
66837 VEHICLES - BIKES               Evelyn Bogen        P9711



I once knew a burley old biker,                             
Who picked up a sexy hitchhiker.                            
Between her sweet thighs,                                   
She straddled his prize,                                    
And there's no other rider quite like her.                  
                                                            
66838 VEHICLES - BIKES               Bob Birch           P0302



A young man from the backwoods of Utah,                     
Fell in love with his motorised scooter.                    
He ran into a horse,                                        
Which led to a divorce,                                     
As he broke both his legs and his hooter!                   
                                                            
66839 VEHICLES - BIKES               Arthur Pattaffy          



From Dover, a biker named Keith,                            
Would ride north to reach Cowdenheath;                      
His face wreathed in smiles,                                
For 500 miles.                                              
We knew by the bugs on his teeth.                           
                                                            
66840 VEHICLES - BIKES               Tiddy Ogg                



The Brits still line up in a queue,                         
To buy bikes having toilets (it's true!).                   
It's their cup of tea;                                      
They don't stop to pee;                                     
A bicycle just built for loo.                               
                                                            
66841 VEHICLES - BIKES               Al Willis           T9712



There once was a tattooed young biker                       
That came up on a lovely young hiker.                       
When asked for a ride,                                      
He leaned to one side,                                      
And said "Come on, climb on my striker."                    
                                                            
66842 VEHICLES - BIKES               Jim Weaver Collection    



Motorcyclists Sally and Kent,                               
Long saddles, they thought heaven-sent.                     
She'd sit backwards to front,                               
Kent's cock in her cunt,                                    
And come while she watched where she went.                  
                                                            
66843 VEHICLES - BIKES               Number Two          P9009



An unskillful rider from Rill                               
Motor-cycled full speed down a hill,                        
Till a spill at a bend                                      
Killed our willful young friend,                            
And he now in the churchyard ]ies still.                    
                                                            
66844 VEHICLES - BIKES               Linda Marsh Coll         



A hot-tempered biker named Dwight,                          
Quite suddenly vanished from sight.                         
Seems he was engaged                                        
In a quarrel, and enraged,                                  
He just flew off the handle one night.                      
                                                            
66845 VEHICLES - BIKES               Evelyn Bogen        P9401



Our garden has fairies at the end;                          
Well that's what we like to pretend.                        
In fact it's a pub                                          
With a gay bikers club;                                     
To be correct, like them, we bend.                          
                                                            
66846 VEHICLES - BIKES               Tony Burrell             



"I don't care what the wowsers may think. (wowsers - prudes)
It's true that we did have a drink,                         
But my knockers are loopy.      (knockers - critical people)
I was not making whoopee.         (loopy - crazy or foolish)
All the bloke did was give me a dink."    (dink - bike ride)
                                                            
66847 VEHICLES - BIKES               A. N. Wilkins       P8610



"You blind date's a real angel," she swore                  
(I imagined aesthetics galore);                             
When I answered the bell                                    
I discovered a Hell                                         
'S Angel, studs and all, at the door.                       
                                                            
66848 VEHICLES - BIKES               Robin K. Willoughby P8405



A tired old cowhorse named Unk                              
Was replaced by a bike with more spunk;                     
One day with a squall,                                      
To the wonder of all,                                       
He reduced his replacement to junk.                         
                                                            
66849 VEHICLES - BIKES               Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Have you met the lady from Greeley,                         
Who's adept at popping a wheelie?                           
She hit a large bump                                        
And lit with a thump                                        
And landed clear over in Ely.                               
                                                            
66850 VEHICLES - BIKES               Marlene                  



There once was a fellow named Mike                          
Who traveled through town on a bike;                        
He met a young lass                                         
With a beautiful ass                                        
But he found out that she was a dyke.                       
                                                            
66851 VEHICLES - BIKES                                        



There once was a fellow named Michael                       
Who made love to a small motorcycle.                        
With the revs and the vrooms,                               
There were too many fumes,                                  
And the following morning found Mike ill.                   
                                                            
66852 VEHICLES - BIKES               Jim Weaver Collection    



A female motorcyclist from Crete,                           
Had a butt just too big for her seat.                       
Speeding ninety for a lark,                                 
She let a big fart                                          
And reduced her fat ass on concrete.                        
                                                            
66853 VEHICLES - BIKES               Laurence Craft           



A young motor cyclist from East Kent,                       
Had a front wheel decidedly bent.                           
At a local road junction,                                   
The brake ceased to function;                               
He revived in an oxygen tent.                               
                                                            
66854 VEHICLES - BIKES               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow and suitor,                        
Who rode into church on his scooter.                        
He knocked down the Dean,                                   
And said, "Sorry, old bean!                                 
I ought to have sounded by hooter."                         
                                                            
66855 VEHICLES - BIKES               Anon                     



There was a man from Capooter,                              
Who used to ride on a scooter.                              
His famous trick                                            
Was to stand on his prick,                                  
And use his ass for a hooter.                               
                                                            
66856 VEHICLES - BIKES               Bill                     



The wretched wretch, Fletcher Van Dyke,                     
Tried to peen a teen queen on his bike...                   
They got so intent                                          
That the handlebars bent,                                   
And Van Dyke scraped it off on the pike!                    
                                                            
66857 VEHICLES - BIKES               Grand Prix Lim  593      



Said a priest with a big motorcycle,                        
"I wonder how fast this bike'll                             
Go round a turn,                                            
I've got to learn."                                         
He's now shaking hands with St. Michael.                    
                                                            
66858 VEHICLES - BIKES               Tom Patton               



While traveling through Holland by bike,                    
Something happened that I didn't like:                      
There was a small fault                                     
When I hit the asphalt,                                     
And my finger got stuck in a dyke.                          
                                                            
66859 VEHICLES - BIKES               Bill Wall                



There was a young lady of Gorton,                           
Who had one big teat and one short 'un.                     
To make up for that                                         
She'd a bloody great twat,                                  
And a fart like a 500 Norton.                               
                                                            
66860 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS                               



There was a young man from Westhorton,                      
Who had an incredibly short 'un.                            
To make up for his loss,                                    
He had balls like a hoss,                                   
And a stroke like a 650 Norton.                             
                                                            
66861 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS                               



There was a young woman from Horton;                        
She had a long tit and a short 'un.                         
Besides from that                                           
She'd a nice juicy twat,                                    
And would fart like an 850 Norton.                          
                                                            
66862 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS                               



A quite callow fellow named Fonda,                          
Was dating a biker named Rhonda.                            
He'd do what he'd like                                      
On top of her bike;                                         
He was certainly fonda Rhonda's Honda!                      
                                                            
66863 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      CM                       



There once was a woman named Rhonda,                        
Who looked like a black anaconda.                           
Delightfully haunted                                        
And dumb, for she wanted                                    
To trade menstrual cycle for Honda.                         
                                                            
66864 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Jim Weaver Collection    



Ginger's a sort of a scooter                                
With motors and onboard computer,                           
And gyroscope balance                                       
For riding sans talent,                                     
Sans fitness, sans practice, sans tutor.                    
                                                            
66865 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Dr Limerick  12-03-01    



Is this revolution sublime?                                 
It may save a few steps and time.                           
It looks like great fun,                                    
But when alls said and done,                                
Just a vacuum for rich peoples dimes.                       
                                                            
66866 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Dr Limerick  12-03-01    



I took my gal on a Suzuki,                                  
But never again, it was spooky.                             
That bike's strong vibrations                               
Gave Erm such sensations,                                   
I couldn't compete... got no nookie!                        
                                                            
66867 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Tiddy Ogg                



The youthful but decorous Jackie                            
Rode off on her new Kawasaki.                               
She returned with a tan                                     
And a polished young man,                                   
And a stock of his chewing tobaccy.                         
                                                            
66868 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS                               



A trail biker said to his bride,                            
"There's something I still can't decide.                    
I'm not sure if I'm fonda                                   
Of you or my Honda,                                         
'Cause the Honda's a much smoother ride."                   
                                                            
66869 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Pierce Evans             



I knew a poor devil named Breeze,                           
Who had Kawasaki disease --                                 
Not swollen lymph nodes,                                    
But slippery roads:                                         
He racked up his bike in the trees.                         
                                                            
66870 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Armand E Singer       983



There was a young woman named Wanda,                        
Who loved sex on the back of a Honda.                       
That bike's choking spasms                                  
Gave her many orgasms --                                    
'Twas a feeling that Wanda was fonda!                       
                                                            
66871 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS                               



At sixteen I sighed as I hoped                              
For a bike like a Harley.  I groped                         
In my pocket for cash                                       
And bought something more flash,                            
And then sat on my moped and moped.                         
                                                            
66872 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Peter Wilkins            



A perverted molester named Lyle,                            
From the playground lived many a mile.                      
So to stalk his young cooter                                
He bought him a scooter,                                    
And now he's a moped-ophile.                                
                                                            
66873 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Geri Desu                



A spokesman for Big Oil Men,                                
Was arrested for corporate sin,                             
When he sounded their knell,                                
"The Chairman of Shell                                      
Is now chauffeured to work on a Schwinn."                   
                                                            
66874 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Cybergeezer              



Hey fellow, if you're boffing Wanda                         
In London on top of your Honda,                             
Make sure that the deed                                     
Is done at high speed,                                      
When giving her your anaconda.                              
(illegal to have sex on parked motorcycle in London)        
66875 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Travis                   



But now a scheme I have hatched;                            
If you and the girl are well-matched,                       
Slide off of the seat                                       
And steer with your feet,                                   
While you boff in the sidecar attached.                     
                                                            
66876 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Tiddy Ogg                



Your scheme is not for your bride,                          
Who'd never consent to that ride;                           
I guess one could say                                       
With certainty, "Hey,                                       
Now this is for 'strange on the side!'                      
                                                            
66877 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Travis Brasell           



There once was a man with two chins                         
Who built bicycles for twins.                               
He had on hand                                              
A suitable brand:                                           
He called them his Siamese Schwinns.                        
                                                            
66878 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Bob Polecat              



I once had a used Vespa scooter;                            
The first part that broke was the tooter.                   
As I lived in Belfast,                                      
I replaced it at last;                                      
'Twas a new one that played Phil the Fluter.                
                                                            
66879 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS      Arthur Pattaffy          



My favourite chocolate is Snickers,                         
And I like wearing ladies silk knickers.                    
My name is Big Mike                                         
And I ride a big bike --                                    
A Yamaha, just like the Vicar's.                            
                                                            
66880 VEHICLES - BIKES - BRANDS                               



A little old lady from Prague                               
Got lost late one night in the fog.                         
At some biker bar,                                          
Abandoned her car --                                        
Came home on a big Harley Hawg.                             
                                                            
66881 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY                               



A homely old biker named Farley                             
Tried and failed to make love on his Harley.                
When he tried for a pass,                                   
He fell flat on his ass --                                  
He'd drunk too much booze made from barley.                 
                                                            
66882 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      CM                       



A bearded old biker named Charlie,                          
Took a very long ride on his Harley.                        
He knew that his hog,                                       
Created no smog,                                            
'Cause he ran it on hops and malt barley.                   
                                                            
66883 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Popsicle           TP9806



There was a young lady named Carly,                         
With tresses the color of barley.                           
This biker guy dumped her                                   
Because when he humped her,                                 
Her pubic hair clashed with his Harley.                     
                                                            
66884 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      D Kilgore                



Famous Harley Hawg biker, "Snake Snyder,"                   
Is at least four feet wide, maybe wider.                    
He's somewhat more soiled,                                  
And invariably oiled;                                       
He's that unwashed icon, "Greasy Rider."                    
                                                            
66885 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Loren C Fitzhugh         



There was an old biker named Squirrel,                      
Whose fifteen-inch crank had a curl.                        
When he swung it just right, he                             
With all of his might, he                                   
Kick-started his hog in one twirl.                          
                                                            
66886 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      H Whelchel               



A thieving old fellow named Charlie                         
Was arrested while riding a Harley.                         
They wrote in the log:                                      
"It isn't his Hog,                                          
And his lawyer's requesting a parley."                      
                                                            
66887 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Cybergeezer              



There was thrice a clown named Charlie,                     
Rode he a cycle, a Harley.                                  
He'd ride it all day                                        
Like a badger through hay,                                  
Or perhaps a titmouse through barley.                       
                                                            
66888 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      David Robbins            



A leather-clad lady called Madeleine,                       
One day her machine she was stradeleine,                    
That Harley's vibration,                                    
Meant lost concentration,                                   
And soon in the creek she was padeleine.                    
                                                            
66889 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY                               



I'll tell you of my cousin Gillian;                         
That gal was a gal in a million.                            
Fantastic, I know,                                          
But she'd give me a blow                                    
While riding on my Harley's pillion.                        
                                                            
66890 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Tiddy Ogg                



Once went to a bar that was gnarly,                         
And rode in upon my man's Harley.                           
When coming back home,                                      
A sign hit the chrome,                                      
Cop said "Don't mix bikes with barley!"                     
                                                            
66891 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY                               



While drinking the juice of the barley,                     
She listens to wailing Bob Marley,                          
And wait till some guy'd                                    
Take her for a ride,                                        
Astride of his Norton or Harley.                            
                                                            
66892 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Tiddy Ogg                



I once knew a rough girl named Carly                        
Who liked her sex real gnarly;                              
With a dildo that's lumpy,                                  
On a road really bumpy,                                     
On the back of a seventy-four Harley!                       
                                                            
66893 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY                               



Traversing off road and through bogs,                       
In blistering heat, rain and fogs,                          
To the Wisconsin parlays                                    
On their expensive Harleys,                                 
Came the motley gangs of pigs on hogs.                      
                                                            
66894 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Loren Fitzhugh      P0310



I know a lady from Sturgis;                                 
Each year on her porch she perches.                         
As the Harley's come through,                               
What's a girl to do?                                        
She has got strong sexual urges.                            
                                                            
66895 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Gearhart                 



She waits for her time to pounce                            
On a biker she wants to bounce                              
Up and down on his hog                                      
And on his log.                                             
She's kept track of all previous mounts.                    
                                                            
66896 VEHICLES - BIKES - HARLEY      Gearhart                 



A strapping young sailor from Venice                        
Was put in the Great Book of Guinness.                      
Round the world with his cat,                               
Nothing special 'bout that,                                 
But he sailed on a 30-foot pinnace.                         
                                                            
66897 VEHICLES - BOATS               Jackal                   



On the stormfront the waters were rising                    
And the captain was quietly surmising:                      
If the supper he ate                                        
Would add enough weight                                     
To result in his lifeoat capsizing.                         
                                                            
66898 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



He alone watched his yacht going down,                      
Thinking night was a bad time to drown,                     
And the distance to shore                                   
Was a hundred miles more                                    
That his fragile old arms could expound.                    
                                                            
66899 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



Soon the sun gave its last bit of light                     
And the auburn sky turned into night.                       
As he peered all around                                     
The horizon, he found                                       
Not one hope of salvation in sight.                         
                                                            
66900 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



He prepared with a smile just to die;                       
Then he thought to himself "Wait now!  Why                  
Should a real-world restriction                             
Bind me like this?  I'm fiction!"                           
So he changed his boat into Hawaii.                         
                                                            
66901 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



There's a ship called "Dangerous Curls"                     
Whose crew is entirely girls.                               
Their mission: To hunt                                      
For alien cunt                                              
And their hobby is muff diving for pearls.                  
                                                            
66902 VEHICLES - BOATS               Brodie Esperance         



There was an old pander from Perth                          
Kept a cruise ship tied at its berth,                       
With an all female crew                                     
Knowing just what to do.                                    
(And he charged only twice what they're worth.)             
                                                            
66903 VEHICLES - BOATS               John Miller              



It isn't the size of the ship,                              
Nor the rock of the boat, she did quip.                     
What is not to scoff                                        
Is for all to get off                                       
While the vessel is docked in the slip.                     
                                                            
66904 VEHICLES - BOATS               Steverino                



A lady who hails from Krakow,                               
Loves sailors her furrow to plow.                           
A magnum of D.P.                                            
Is what she longs to be,                                    
So that she can be banged 'cross the bow.                   
(D.P. - Dom Perignon Champagne)                             
66905 VEHICLES - BOATS               H WHELCHEL               



There once was a boy from Vail,                             
Who decided to go for a sail.                               
But the waves were quit thick                               
And that sure made him sick,                                
So he spent his sail over the rail.                         
                                                            
66906 VEHICLES - BOATS               Wayne F. Barney          



A poodle went sailing one night                             
In a yacht that was not water-tight.                        
Under this circumstance                                     
You could tell at a glance,                                 
That his barque was much worse than his bite.               
                                                            
66907 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



There once was a captain named Bligh                        
Whose ship, the Bounty, would ply                           
The seas, flags aflyin',                                    
While Bligh, like a lion,                                   
Ate a Christian, now and then, on the sly.                  
                                                            
66908 VEHICLES - BOATS               Arthur Deex         P8308



The C&D Canal's my view,                                    
Where tankers and ships all pass through,                   
As they make their way,                                     
Down the Chesapeake bay,                                    
Or up to the Atlantic blue.                                 
                                                            
66909 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



I once knew a lass, broad of beam,                          
Whose keel could displace the gulf stream.                  
A truly fine ketch,                                         
A-top me she'd fetch.                                       
As she came about we'd both scream.                         
                                                            
66910 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



The radar was not finely tuned;                             
The helmsman was seasick and swooned...                     
With paint both were freighted,                             
Red and blue neatly crated.                                 
The collision left both crews marooned.                     
                                                            
66911 VEHICLES - BOATS               OgniGioia                



As she staggered from Jonathan's cruiser,                   
Ann said, "Man that cruise was a doozer!                    
With six men sluicing me,                                   
I did not see the sea,                                      
So your cruiser was more of a screwser!"                    
                                                            
66912 VEHICLES - BOATS               Grand Prix Lim  680      



A cutter may look like a sloop                              
But if you go forward and snoop,                            
Between jib and main,                                       
A staysail will reign.                                      
Then no one can call you a dupe.                            
                                                            
66913 VEHICLES - BOATS               Larry Davis         P8712



A rich, rigid young man in Biscayne                         
Rides a loving house boat gravy train!                      
With three girls all about,                                 
Up and down, in and out,                                    
He sheet-anchors a hot daisy chain...                       
                                                            
66914 VEHICLES - BOATS               Grand Prix Lim  756      



I'm down here in Dover perchance,                           
To espy you arriving from France.                           
Standing up on the deck                                     
Looking gorgeous by heck,                                   
What commotion there is in my pants.                        
                                                            
66915 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



Oh bugger; St. Malo you say?                                
You'll be landing in Portsmouth today?                      
Ma cher Kitten, please wait;                                
I'll be there before eight.                                 
(Come on train-driver, take it away!)                       
                                                            
66916 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



Hey Kitten, it's me on the shore!                           
You look scrumptious! I'll open the door                    
Of this train; step inside                                  
And we'll go for a ride.                                    
Let me lead you, my sweet, by the paw.                      
                                                            
66917 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



A chippy whose name was O'Dare                              
Sailed on a ship to Kenmare,                                
But this cute little honey                                  
Had left home her money,                                    
So she laid the whole crew for her fare.                    
                                                            
66918 VEHICLES - BOATS                                   L1044



In December, a woman named Terry                            
Would ride back and forth on the ferry.                     
Each time she passed by,                                    
She would screw a new guy,                                  
And that's one way to make Christmas merry.                 
                                                            
66919 VEHICLES - BOATS               Isaac Asimov             



That our ships might converse on the seas,                  
We would hoist out our flags in the breeze.                 
To the landsmen we say,                                     
But can't seem to convey                                    
That BLUE PETER is not a disease.                           
                                                            
66920 VEHICLES - BOATS               The Sailor          P0307



As a sail tames the wind from abeam,                        
So our mates train their teams as they scream!              
The captain's the worst,                                    
With cruel temper he's cursed:                              
A proleptical full head of steam!                           
                                                            
66921 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



There was a young sailor named Vetch                        
Who took his girl out on his ketch.                         
She did learn in a thrice                                   
How the main brace to splice,                               
And came out very well in the stretch.                      
                                                            
66922 VEHICLES - BOATS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0370



If the question were only between us,                       
Could the name of the ship have been Venus?                 
Her figurehead bowed;                                       
At the mast standing proud,                                 
A towering titan of penis?                                  
                                                            
66923 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



An animal lover called Cilla                                
Went sailing with her pet gorilla.                          
They took several knocks                                    
And landed on rocks                                         
When he pushed the wrong way on the tiller.                 
                                                            
66924 VEHICLES - BOATS               Funfax Limericks         



A slave oarsman on the queen's schooner                     
Was hailed by the queen for a 'nooner'.                     
The queen to him spoke:                                     
"I love your long stroke;                                   
Tomorrow we'll nooner much sooner!"                         
                                                            
66925 VEHICLES - BOATS               Travis Brasell           



There are men in the village of Erith,                      
Whom nobody seeth or heareth.                               
They spend hours afloat,                                    
In a flat-bottomed boat,                                    
Which nobody roweth or steereth.                            
                                                            
66926 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



In Poland, the whole Navy gloats                            
If you ask 'bout the shape of their boats.                  
But everyone's seen                                         
Their new submarine;                                        
When put in the water, it floats!                           
                                                            
66927 VEHICLES - BOATS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A man called J. Arthur Rank                                 
Bought a yacht from a millionaire Yank.                     
"It's the safest yet built;                                 
Insured to the hilt."                                       
It made no difference -- it sank.                           
                                                            
66928 VEHICLES - BOATS               Spike Milligan           



Anthropologist J. Wilson Tripp                              
Was considered to have lost his grip.                       
He caused colleagues to smirk                               
When he titled his work,                                    
"One Man's Junk is Another Man's Ship."                     
                                                            
66929 VEHICLES - BOATS               Loren Fitzhugh      P0103



I'm attached to that tree by a thread!                      
Quick! Pull my dress over my head!                          
At last we are free!                                        
As I row, I can see                                         
That your gear is still gritty and red.                     
                                                            
66930 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



But look here! This dugout canoe                            
Has a grass skirt, practically new!                         
And a necklace of flowers --                                
(Won't you lei me for hours?)                               
Will you row while I go to the loo?                         
                                                            
66931 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



Now as the sun sets on the sea                              
I wonder just where we might be?                            
We're so gently afloat                                      
And we're safe in this boat,                                
Where the only man-eater is me.                             
                                                            
66932 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



Hector Kerfipple went sailing                               
And fell right over the railing.                            
"Man Overboard!"                                            
Helga roared,                                               
Then shipmates she ran about hailing.                       
                                                            
66933 VEHICLES - BOATS               Gearhart                 



"Please help my husband!" she cried.                        
"He is an awfully nice guy.                                 
He can't swim a lick,                                       
So please come over quick                                   
Or he'll take in some water and die."                       
                                                            
66934 VEHICLES - BOATS               Gearhart                 



The crew flew at once into action --                        
But not to Helga's satisfaction.                            
She felt they were slow                                     
And her anger did grow.                                     
She thought they moved like in traction.                    
                                                            
66935 VEHICLES - BOATS               Gearhart                 



A preserver to Hector was passed                            
And a life-boat was lowered down fast,                      
With crewmen galore                                         
To drag him aboard,                                         
Making sure this trip was not his last.                     
                                                            
66936 VEHICLES - BOATS               Gearhart                 



When Helga saw he was okay,                                 
She screamed and then ran away.                             
Hector said, "I was shoved                                  
Overboard by my love --                                     
'Least I though she loved me till today.                    
                                                            
66937 VEHICLES - BOATS               Gearhart                 



For someone who rowed out the flood,                        
There must be some seafaring blood.                         
With sailcloth to sew                                       
When big breezes blow,                                      
And strong masts are mangled to crud.                       
                                                            
66938 VEHICLES - BOATS               Daniel Ford              



There was a drunk sailor named Lincoln                      
Who said as his ship started sinkin',                       
If I bail fast enough,                                      
I'll get rid of this stuff                                  
So I can get back to my drinkin'.                           
                                                            
66939 VEHICLES - BOATS               Ray Gessler              



The ferry capsized at sunset                                
When it started to rain without let...                      
To the canopy side                                          
All ran to hide                                             
From the rain so as not to get wet.                         
                                                            
66940 VEHICLES - BOATS               Karen                    



There once was a woman named Carol                          
Who placed herself gravely in peril;                        
She ended up dead                                           
From a blow to her head,                                    
When she rode the great falls in a barrel.                  
                                                            
66941 VEHICLES - BOATS               Cap'n Bean          P0209



A tailor, who sailed from Quebec,                           
In a storm ventured once upon deck;                         
But the waves of the sea                                    
Were as strong as could be,                                 
And he tumbled in up to his neck.                           
                                                            
66942 VEHICLES - BOATS               R S Sharpe Published 1822



A sea loving lady named Gast                                
Went out on a ship sleek and fast.                          
She was fucked in her cabin                                 
By a sailor named Babbin,                                   
While her panties were flown at half mast.                  
                                                            
66943 VEHICLES - BOATS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0164



As he swam in the clear Adriatic                            
Young Beppo was rather dramatic.                            
He fastened a sail                                          
To a pole in his tail,                                      
A whim some considered erratic.                             
                                                            
66944 VEHICLES - BOATS               Grand Prix Lim  783      



This yachting's a really fun game,                          
For the sea is never the same.                              
But winds can get big,                                      
And seas wreck the rig,                                     
And Poseidon thinks he's not to blame.                      
                                                            
66945 VEHICLES - BOATS               Archie                   



There once was a couple renowned,                           
Who went sailing on old Puget Sound.                        
He was fucking her proud,                                   
When they both saw the crowd                                
That had gathered since their boat went aground.            
                                                            
66946 VEHICLES - BOATS               Laurence Craft           



I say! Any girlies about?                                   
Here's an offer you'll love, I've no doubt;                 
A free cruise on my yacht, what?                            
For stroking my whatnot                                     
And nursing this damn-awful gout.                           
                                                            
66947 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



We get used to watching all sports                          
And marvel at many reports.                                 
All sports have their faults,                               
But that of old salts,                                      
Is a risk when away from their ports.                       
                                                            
66948 VEHICLES - BOATS               Archie                   



To a young seaman it was a shocker                          
For it seemed like the joke of a mocker.                    
He'd heard, time after time,                                
"That's no rope, it's a line!                               
And we store the line in the Rope Locker."                  
                                                            
66949 VEHICLES - BOATS               Loren Fitzhugh      P0307



A traveler who called himself Mort                          
Took girls on a cruise for some sport.                      
They thought it was nice                                    
Going round the world twice,                                
Before they had even left port.                             
                                                            
66950 VEHICLES - BOATS               Spose                    



On a round-the-world trip on a yacht,                       
I learnt to tie many a knot.                                
What I learned as a scout                                   
I had to throw out;                                         
Scout and sailor knots differ a lot.                        
                                                            
66951 VEHICLES - BOATS               Arthur Pattaffy          



A boat sailing down from Ann Arbor                          
Hit a storm coming out of the harbor.                       
In a garden 'twas marooned,                                 
With spring flowers festooned,                              
And its starboard harbored an arbor.                        
                                                            
66952 VEHICLES - BOATS               Sam Mitchel              



The world, in all types does abound;                        
Some fit in square holes, some in round.                    
Some in storms sail a boat,                                 
While some men, you will note,                              
In fair weather will drive boats aground.                   
                                                            
66953 VEHICLES - BOATS               Albin Chaplin   3024-2412



There was a young lady named Una,                           
Only girl on a 'round the world schooner.                   
With her very loud voice                                    
She did not have a choice;                                  
She's the skipper and a honeymooner!                        
                                                            
66954 VEHICLES - BOATS               Arthur Pattaffy          



I just want to make sure there'll be                        
Enough for all of us three.                                 
You know we're voracious,                                   
And since the yacht's spacious,                             
There's another ship in from the sea.                       
                                                            
66955 VEHICLES - BOATS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A stowaway to ports remote,                                 
Tried to screw all the sailors afloat.                      
They dispensed with foreplay,                               
Stuck heer on the forestay --                               
Now she's bummy-fucked by the whole boat.                   
                                                            
66956 VEHICLES - BOATS               H Whelchel               



The stowaway's appetites whetted                            
The parties both sordid and fetid.                          
She commenced in to friggin'                                
Up high in the riggin'.                                     
Some say she was well tarred and feted.                     
                                                            
66957 VEHICLES - BOATS               Irish                    



Fifty-one dibbled their nib,                                
Then left her curled up in a jib.                           
Said Tar fifty-two,                                         
I'll eat out her spoo --                                    
I could use this sail for a bib!                            
                                                            
66958 VEHICLES - BOATS               H WHELCHEL               



This lass has had some kind of trip.                        
Swallowing se(a)men is not just a quip:                     
When the ship struck a reef,                                
It cause her no grief;                                      
She simply went down on the ship.                           
                                                            
66959 VEHICLES - BOATS               Irish                    



The boat was rent clear through the middle,                 
And going down like an iron griddle.                        
No time for a suck!                                         
Less time for a fuck!                                       
Perhaps she could get one last diddle...                    
                                                            
66960 VEHICLES - BOATS               H WHELCHEL               



The Cook said "My cranks name is Fook.                      
She said, "You know Doris, my nook.                         
I know you've one hand,                                     
But perhaps, my good man,                                   
I could ride on your lovely white hook.                     
                                                            
66961 VEHICLES - BOATS               H WHELCHEL               



His ivory prosthetic paw                                    
(With Old Boston Pier in scrimshaw)                         
He took her to G                                            
And sang "Mates, look at me!                                
It's a wee dock in Doris, that a'."                         
                                                            
66962 VEHICLES - BOATS               H WHELCHEL               



The guy whos brains were quite quick,                       
Said: "I'll crack our ship with my dick!"                   
So he gathered the crowd                                    
And they all stood about                                    
Waiting for that awesome trick.                             
                                                            
66963 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



As soon as the winds killed the mist                        
The captain, on a life raft, quite pissed,                  
Turned his head and said:                                   
"You stupid dick-head,                                      
You know, the torpedo had missed!"                          
                                                            
66964 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



Should I take my poor wife on a cruise?                     
She's so tired, she will soon blow a fuse;                  
But the way she is made                                     
I'm afraid she'll get laid,                                 
By men who have nothing to loose.                           
                                                            
66965 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



Though Linda once worked with the law;                      
She quit it the first time she saw                          
The river's wide delta.                                     
Now she takes her shelta                                    
On a boat in a berth without flaw.                          
                                                            
66966 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



She sails with her co-captain hubby,                        
And at night when they crawl in their cubby,                
She takes matters in hand.                                  
His main mast makes a stand,                                
And then delves in the depths of her shrubby.               
                                                            
66967 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



When lovers fight, they try to patch it,                    
And say, "We should bury the hatchet."                      
They try different measures                                 
To restore their pleasures;                                 
Sometimes they will cruise on a yacht.                      
                                                            
66968 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



I'd sure like to go on a cruise,                            
On a yacht where there's plenty of booze.                   
And lots of good food,                                      
Where everyone's nude,                                      
Except for those silly boat shoes.                          
                                                            
66969 VEHICLES - BOATS               Carol                    



Old Archie applied for a post --                            
Was told that the boat was a ghost.                         
Sis Chris is First Mate,                                    
The mast is not straight,                                   
And it's grounded somewhere on the coast.                   
                                                            
66970 VEHICLES - BOATS               Archie                   



I'm lost in the doldrums, I fear,                           
Not far from Madeira, m'dear.                               
An iceberg we struck                                        
And the rudder got stuck,                                   
So we've no navigational gear.                              
                                                            
66971 VEHICLES - BOATS               Peter Wilkins            



Sis Chris, thank the lord, ain't on board                   
Or else she'd have ravaged my sword.                        
The teeth in her cleft                                      
Would've left me bereft,                                    
And my mast comprehensively gored.                          
                                                            
66972 VEHICLES - BOATS               Peter Wilkins            



You job application, old mate,                              
Arrived just a little bit late;                             
Got posted to Ayr,                                          
Which I'm sure your aware,                                  
Is the site of my country estate.                           
                                                            
66973 VEHICLES - BOATS               Peter Wilkins            



And Carol (my god, what a rear!),                           
We'll soon have a party, m'dear.                            
With whiskey and ice                                        
And excesses of vice,                                       
When I've bloody well mended my gear.                       
                                                            
66974 VEHICLES - BOATS               Peter Wilkins            



My yacht's in the Mediterranean                             
Full of princesses Arabian;                                 
All of 'em cuties                                           
And all with their duties,                                  
To service my bits genitalian.                              
                                                            
66975 VEHICLES - BOATS                                        



To Portsmouth returned the Ark Royal,                       
For the crew to set foot on Brit soil.                      
Some looked like cadets,                                    
The old-timers' pets,                                       
Much too young for the ship's routine toil.                 
                                                            
66976 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Arthur Pattaffy          



A girl on the dock in Manila                                
Sold every last Spanish mantilla,                           
All her shirts and pantsuits,                               
Every box of cheroots,                                      
Now she prays for a Viking flotilla.                        
(Viking Cruise Lines)                                       
66977 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Doctor              P9108



Said a fellow passenger named Jerry,                        
"This seagoing life is quite merry.                         
It's my ninety-third trip                                   
On a passenger ship,                                        
Counting the Hoboken Ferry."                                
                                                            
66978 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Doctor              P9108



Most athletes remain out of doors                           
While performing their muscular chores.                     
But our cabin neighbors                                     
Confine all their labors                                    
To slamming their dressing room drawers.                    
                                                            
66979 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Doctor              P9108



If Harry Krause was a boat designer,                        
He'd never design a Bayliner.                               
On his boat, what he'd do                                   
Is drop blue in the loo,                                    
And christen a Bluewater Cruiseliner.                       
                                                            
66980 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Jonathan                 



For a perfect getaway spot,                                 
When summertime weather is hot,                             
Come aboard Ecstasy,                                        
They'll burn it at sea...                                   
A carnival cruise it is not.                                
(Ecstasy cruise ship caught fire 1998)                      
66981 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Frank Fazed              



During the Ecstasy ship fire,                               
Cruisers had a burning desire                               
To cancel the trip,                                         
Escape from the ship,                                       
And get in touch with a lawyer.                             
                                                            
66982 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Marlene Lewis            



When the Exxon Valdez ran aground,                          
The oil polluted the Sound.                                 
The Captain was drunk                                       
And asleep in his bunk,                                     
But there's enough blame to go 'round.                      
                                                            
66983 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Gifford Wherry           



There was a young person named Scott,                       
Who inherited rather a lot.                                 
So he sent off a card                                       
To a shipbuilding yard,                                     
And commissioned a luxury yacht.                            
                                                            
66984 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Mark Wainwright          



I said to Giuseppe, "Please note                            
Off the shore I can see something float.                    
It's a U-boat I see."                                       
But he did not agree,                                       
For he said, "That is NOT a-my boat."                       
                                                            
66985 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Al Chaplin          P8604



I once knew a woman named Sherry                            
Who had a terrifically big cherry.                          
Her hole was so big,                                        
You could drive in a rig,                                   
And come out on the great ship Queen Mary.                  
                                                            
66986 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Smitty Minn              



A schooner is rigged fore and aft;                          
The taller mainmast is abaft.                               
A sail plan like this                                       
Would be hard to miss,                                      
However you may view the craft.                             
                                                            
66987 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Larry Davis         P8712



The Spaniards would wear a medallion;                       
Each would ride on an elegant stallion.                     
It's amusing to quip,                                       
In an old Spanish ship,                                     
They'd get thousands of miles to the galleon.               
                                                            
66988 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE                                



A German inside his U-boat                                  
Deep in the Atlantic did float.                             
When it ran aground,                                        
A temple he found,                                          
That glowed in the darkness to gloat.                       
                                                            
66989 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Dennis Maggard           



Since submarine service began,                              
We've deemed it the job of a man.                           
But lately, say some,                                       
One needn't be hung,                                        
To serve as a submarine hand.                               
                                                            
66990 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



In claiming it's just a canard                              
That gals on a sub should be barred,                        
They're missing the rub,                                    
That gals on a sub                                          
Make service on submarines hard.                            
                                                            
66991 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



The problems in submarine space                             
Arise between denim and lace;                               
When corridors tight                                        
Force guys with delight                                     
To squeeze past the gals face-to-face.                      
                                                            
66992 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



More potties for feminine parity                            
Would remedy standing disparities,                          
But toother features                                        
Of feminine creatures                                       
Can stimulate signs of polarity.                            
                                                            
66993 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



Since polarization conditions                               
Could hamper fulfillment of missions,                       
They'd have to devise                                       
For masculine eyes                                          
Some blinders to limit their vision.                        
                                                            
66994 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



The'd need special counseling, of course,                   
On board the new submarine force.                           
To settle disputes,                                         
They'd have to recruit                                      
Some lawyers who handle divorce.                            
                                                            
66995 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



And guys who remain unconvinced                             
That gals on a sub is good sense,                           
Would have to take classes                                  
On working with lasses,                                     
To learn how a gal takes offense.                           
                                                            
66996 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



New language they'd have to devise                          
For orders to not go awry,                                  
And lead to confusion                                       
Or awkward conclusions,                                     
When sailors hear orders to dive.                           
                                                            
66997 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



They'll need to install a new credo,                        
Revamping the conventions lingo,                            
So women won't fake                                         
The claim: "my head aches",                                 
When needed to handle torpedoes.                            
                                                            
66998 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



Recruiters would have to promote                            
Campaigns to make gals think it haute                       
To break the taboos                                         
By joining the crews                                        
Who serve on the submarine boats.                           
                                                            
66999 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



When P-C desires to be hip,                                 
Recruiters propose a new script:                            
In breaking taboos,                                         
The Navy needs you                                          
To serve going down on the ship.                            
                                                            
67000 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



Anonymous-source expositions                                
Declared such proposal a symptom                            
Of hold-over views                                          
For breaking taboos                                         
For service by gals under Clinton.                          
                                                            
67001 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Anon                     



Said the submarine captain, "A small                        
"Japanese fishing boat's, quite a haul.                     
And though I realize                                        
That ten tons wins no prize,                                
For peacetime it's not bad at all."                         
                                                            
67002 VEHICLES - BOATS - LARGE       Arthur Deex         P0104



Shed a tear for a WREN named McGinnis,                      
Who brought her career to a finis.                          
She did not understand                                      
The sudden command                                          
To break out the Admiral's pinnace.                         
                                                            
67003 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Anon                G0122



Nick Sharp has just one minor failing:                      
Over work, any day, he'll take sailing.                     
Now he's over the hill;                                     
He'll sail on until                                         
He sinks or the Trumpet starts wailing.                     
                                                            
67004 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       John Miller              



I'm sure, beside yours, mine will pale,                     
But to be fair to old Humphrey Gale,                        
I think I'd better, quick,                                  
Ask if his friend, Nick,                                    
Is, as we suspect, is a male?                               
                                                            
67005 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Cyber Wizard             



Not like, my old friend, Henry Browning,                    
Who oft, in small boats, started clowning.                  
He came to his doom                                         
When struck by the boom.                                    
He's no longer waving, but drowning.                        
                                                            
67006 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Tiddy Ogg                



A new girlfriend upon whom to dote,                         
With a nice new Bass Tracker, afloat.                       
An outdoorsy lass                                           
With a nice, firm, round ass,                               
(Please send jpg of the boat).                              
                                                            
67007 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL                                



There was an old witch from Timboo                          
Who decided to build a canoe.                               
One day in the river                                        
She said with a shiver                                      
"I forgot to use waterproof glue!"                          
                                                            
67008 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young fellow called Lunt,                       
Who went with a girl in a punt.                             
And while riding, his pole                                  
Caught up in her hole --                                    
Not his punt pole, his front and her cunt.                  
                                                            
67009 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Jim Weaver Collection    



Eight oars need eight pairs of strong hands;                
The men have long hair and headbands.                       
The boat shines with wax,                                   
It slides down the tracks,                                  
And over the loosely packed sands.                          
                                                            
67010 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Matthew Montchalin       



An agile young man of Seattle                               
Found fucking in rowboats a battle.                         
He tried screwing canoeing,                                 
But this proved his undoing,                                
So he finished his girl with his paddle.                    
                                                            
67011 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Albin Chaplin   3024-1900



Along the slow rivers of Huntingdonshire,            (Hunts)
Young couples make love in their punts;                     
Beneath weeping willows                                     
They lie on their pillows                                   
And murmur their gratified grunts.                          
                                                            
67012 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Harold C Bibby           



Without oars, a young fellow named Joe                      
By the current was tossed to and fro.                       
So he rowed in despair                                      
With a hoe which was there,                                 
But he found it a hard row to hoe.                          
                                                            
67013 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Albin Chaplin            



While boating, a man of Azores                              
Switched harlots and tripped over oars.                     
He fell out and he drowned;                                 
It was thus that he found                                   
That midstream was no place to change whores.               
                                                            
67014 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Albin Chaplin 3024  P8212



A wandering old Wilfred Scott Blunt                         
Was wanting a trip in a punt;                               
But the puntsmen had struck,                                
So he shouted "Good luck!                                   
-- Your wage is a social affront!"                          
                                                            
67015 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Victor Gray         P9002



A young boatman sailed out on Lough Neagh;                  
The wind rose -- he sent out a Mayday!                      
S.O.S., S.O.S.,                                             
I am in distress;                                           
They found him the very next day.                           
                                                            
67016 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Arthur Pattaffy          



A lady from Budapest, Florrie,                              
Went out in a dory with Cory.                               
He got into her drawers                                     
While she pulled on the oars,                               
And he said it was all hunky-dory.                          
(Budapest => Hungarian => Hunky!)                           
67017 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Albin Chaplin   3024-2048



The girls' rowing team's coxswain, McGrew,                  
Knew his ladies were all tried and true;                    
So he offered these teens                                   
A big basket of greens,                                     
And he said to the girls: "Lettuce, crew!"                  
                                                            
67018 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL                                



The lifeboat that lay at Torquay                            
No doubt floated well in the sea.                           
And her coxswain and boatswain                              
Were especially chosen,                                     
But her history's a mystery to me.                          
                                                            
67019 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL                                



The lifeboat that's kept at Torquay                         
Is intented to float on the sea.                            
The crew and the coxswain                                   
Are sturdy as oxen,                                         
And as smart and as brave as can be.                        
                                                            
67020 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL                                



There's a lot of small boats down at Hayling,               
Where they really enjoy going sailing.                      
But sometimes there's bailing                               
If the wind is not tailing,                                 
Or the skills of the skipper are failing.                   
                                                            
67021 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Dick Hedger              



Rebecca, a silly young wench,                               
Went out on the Thames to catch tench.                      
When the boat was upset,                                    
She exclaimed, I regret,                                    
A five-letter word--and in French!                          
                                                            
67022 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL                                



An attractive young girl from up north                      
Used a boat to get back and forth.                          
So proud of her scunt                                       
Thorpe riverside punt,                                      
Was she, so she named it Withforth.                         
                                                            
67023 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL                                



Although I"m a weedy young runt,                            
At Oxford I poled in a punt.                                
The girl I was with,                                        
Whose boobs were a myth,                                    
Insisted on sitting in front.                               
                                                            
67024 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Archie                   



In Oxford, when they come to pole,                          
They frontwise accomplish their goal.                       
In Cambridge, you'll find                                   
They pole from behind;                                      
They find it improves their control.                        
                                                            
67025 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Martin Rand              



From the shell came the bids of adieu,                      
As it pulled away with its young crew.                      
The new coxswain went hoarse                                
As a matter of course;                                      
Thus ending his rowing debut.                               
                                                            
67026 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       LaDonna Jones       P8503



I started this trip on a dare;                              
'Round the world on my ship, Cirque la Mer.                 
But my hopes dashed away,                                   
When she sank; now I pray                                   
I'll get home on a ring and a flare.                        
                                                            
67027 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Anon                     



There once was a woman named Sue                            
Who loved to screw in a canoe.                              
By way of a gloat,                                          
She said, "Nine in a boat,                                  
Now that's what I call a crew!"                             
                                                            
67028 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Jim Weaver Collection    



In Paris a food connoisseur                                 
Bought a boat with the name "Immature."                     
Decided to change it                                        
And so did arrange it:                                      
Sailing away on the "Sloop du Jour."                        
                                                            
67029 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Tom Patton          P0209



The millionaire's yacht rode at anchor,                     
Next to a very large tanker.                                
When it discharged some oil,                                
The yacht it did spoil,                                     
And double-quick he contacted his banker!                   
                                                            
67030 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Arthur Pattaffy          



A shipwrecked young sailor named Tudder                     
Tied his shirt to his prick for a scudder.                  
When the mast was erected,                                  
His course he directed                                      
With his thumb up his ass for a rudder.                     
                                                            
67031 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Albin Chaplin   3024-2346



There was a canoeist named Ewing                            
Who took a young lady canoeing.                             
She was playful and chipper                                 
As she unzipped his zipper;                                 
This undoing canoeing meant screwing.                       
                                                            
67032 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Albin Chaplin   3024-0693



While boating, Tim got in a fix,                            
Turning turtle while taking some pics.                      
Then the boatman creied, "Time                              
To come in No. 9"                                           
To the upside-down boat No. 6.                              
                                                            
67033 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Peter Wilkins            



He looked and with puzzlement frowned,                      
Because boat No. 9 was aground.                             
"Oh my lord, it's boat 6                                    
In a terrible fix;                                          
I do hope that poor boy's not drowned.                      
                                                            
67034 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Peter Wilkins            



So he stripped to his undershorts blue                      
And swam out to the rescue.  He knew                        
It looked horribly grim                                     
When he couldn't see Tim                                    
Underneath the turned-turtle canoe.                         
                                                            
67035 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Peter Wilkins            



Then he noticed poor Tim on the bank;                       
He was grinning and having a wank.                          
In a rage, the old boat-                                    
Man could not stay afloat,                                  
And he slowly and tragically sank.                          
                                                            
67036 VEHICLES - BOATS - SMALL       Peter Wilkins            



Enjoying a trip on Titanic                                  
Were people quite megalomanic.                              
There were humble poor, too,                                
Down on decks out of view,                                  
But everyone joined in the panic.                           
                                                            
67037 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Anonymous                



While sailing across the Atlantic,                          
A passenger on the Titanic,                                 
Asked a steward for ice...                                  
"That will more than suffice,                               
But isn't it awfully gigantic?"                             
                                                            
67038 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Observer           TP9901



Old Marge, with boobs of renown,                            
Didn't worry -- 'cause she wouldn't drown!                  
If she would've shared,                                     
Lives could've been spared,                                 
The night the Titanic went down!                            
                                                            
67039 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



There was a young girl named Marge                          
Whose breasts were unusually large.                         
Invited to go boating                                       
She found herself floating                                  
In the arms of her lover, Sarge.                            
                                                            
67040 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



Now Marge couldn't possibly drown                           
Those floaters just wouldn't go down.                       
When the boat started sinking                               
Without even blinking,                                      
"Tits Overboard in a nightgown!"                            
                                                            
67041 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



Though the bosomy part of young Marge                       
Wasn't quite so Titanically large,                          
It was big enough, true,                                    
To be used by the crew                                      
As a large inflatable barge.                                
                                                            
67042 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



The mates at the stern with a hook out,                     
Catching fish for tomorrow nights cookout.                  
The captain, a queers man,                                  
Is boffing the steersman,                                   
While Marge is aloft with the lookout.                      
                                                            
67043 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



Just watch those two go to town in                          
The middle of everyone drownin'.                            
His balls she did blow                                      
On that little ice floe,                                    
While loudly they're moanin' and groanin'.                  
                                                            
67044 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Arden                    



As they lay on a quilt filled with down,                    
A loud ripping noise made her frown,                        
And pause in the suck.                                      
He said, "What the fuck?                                    
I think that we're both going down."                        
                                                            
67045 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Frank Fazed              



"My Heart Will Go On" -- well on what?                      
A song of a fag and a slut.                                 
While that big boat was sinking,                            
I couldn't help thinking,                                   
This movie is numbing my butt.                              
                                                            
67046 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Deep Goat          TP9807



"My heart will go on," Winslet sighed,                      
Making the audience cry.                                    
The hell with her heart!                                    
My favorite part                                            
Was watching DiCaprio die!                                  
                                                            
67047 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Kitt                     



As the good ship Titanic went down,                         
A lady in shimmering gown                                   
From her glass took a sip,                                  
Kept a stiff upper lip,                                     
And commenced, most discreetly, to drown.                   
                                                            
67048 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Beelzebub                



Do a sequel?  They're sure to say yes,                      
With Titanic's enormous success.                            
They'll have Winslett, who's hexed                          
Ride the Hindenberg next,                                   
With Dicaprio's twin, I would guess.                        
                                                            
67049 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Larry Hollister          



Titanic, that big ship of late,                             
Suffered a real terrible fate.                              
Reminds me of a girl                                        
Which whom I had a whirl;                                   
She went down...on the very first date!                     
                                                            
67050 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Les Stewart              



About Leo, the girls are fanatic,                           
But here's why their boyfriends don't panic:                
It gives the world's males                                  
A line that can't fail:                                     
"Hey baby! Go down like Titanic!"                           
                                                            
67051 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



There was a man called Delzanic                             
Whose girlfriend would suddenly panic.                      
We don't know why;                                          
He's such an nice guy;                                      
And had gone down on all but the Titanic!                   
                                                            
67052 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Bobby                    



There once was a young lady named Rose                      
Pursued by two diferent beaus.                              
She hated the cad,                                          
Fell in love with the lad;                                  
When Titanic went under, he froze.                          
                                                            
67053 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Jim Reynolds       TP9802



The first mate watched the captain drown,                   
Saying, "Yeah, he deserves it, the clown.                   
First he made a pass,                                       
But I showed his ass --                                     
Here's one guy who just won't go down!"                     
                                                            
67054 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Kaylin                   



There was a young man, very frantic,                        
Who bought tickets on the Titanic.                          
The ship hit some ice;                                      
The rest is not nice.                                       
He's somewhere out in the Atlantic.                         
                                                            
67055 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     D'Arcy                   



"Now hear this," announced Captain Annick,                  
"You passengers don't need to panic;                        
To be quite precise,                                        
It's just broken ice --                                     
Remember, this ship's the Titanic.                          
                                                            
67056 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Armand E Singer       810



An old maid, a luckless romantic,                           
Said, as she crossed the Atlantic:                          
"Now is my chance                                           
To find true romance                                        
On this beautiful ship, the Titanic!"                       
                                                            
67057 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     New Comic Limericks P8506



A nutty young woman, quite manic,                           
Sailed off on the good ship Titanic.                        
The iceberg -- it stunned her                               
And as she went under,                                      
Her manic attack became panic.                              
                                                            
67058 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Marsha Magee             



Enjoying a trip on Titanic --                               
If it only were more Puritanic!                             
Might have lasted more hours --                             
After all, the Mayflower's                                  
Famous voyage was transoceanic!                             
                                                            
67059 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Prof M-G                 



The iceberg the Titanic hit                                 
Dit dit dit, dah dah dah, dit dit dit.                      
With rescue too far,                                        
One last dah dah dah,                                       
Dit dit dit, dah dah dah ended it.                          
                                                            
67060 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Irving Superior          



In the lifeboats, when worst comes to worst,                
All the women and children go first.                        
But the rich guy gets on                                    
With a bribe and a con,                                     
While our heroes get coldly immersed.                       
                                                            
67061 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Larry Hollister          



It's Dicaprio's movie, to some,                             
And he's certainly not feeling glum.                        
He's a heart-throb; a star;                                 
Will his pride go too far?                                  
Just how big will his capsize become?                       
                                                            
67062 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Larry Hollister          



Locked in handcuffs, Jack's patience is taxed,              
While his girlfriend's adrenaline's maxed.                  
To escape from this room                                    
And a watery tomb,                                          
He's just waiting, it seems, to be axed.                    
                                                            
67063 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Larry Hollister          



If you fear going into the drink,                           
Then this ship's not as safe as you think.                  
Once the hull breaks the ice,                               
Things are not very nice.                                   
Everything but the kitchen will sink!                       
                                                            
67064 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Larry Hollister          



On board the Titanic she cruised;                           
With the Captain she flirted, amused.                       
"So how about bed?"                                         
He said.  Shaking her head,                                 
She said, "No, but I'll see you next Tuesd..."              
                                                            
67065 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Peter Wilkins            



McDuff from the Highlands and Glens                         
With young Jenny crept into the men's;                      
A quick "hows-yer-father"                                   
And after the lather,                                       
He cheerily promised "Next Wednes..."                       
                                                            
67066 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Peter Wilkins            



The Duchess in all of her furs,                             
Teased the Officer members with, "Sirs,                     
If you want to see more,                                    
Come and knock on my door,                                  
After cocktails and dinner on Thurs..."                     
                                                            
67067 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Peter Wilkins            



"Oh baby," he said as she cried.                            
"I'm sorry," sobbed Janet and sighed.                       
"I fear you might leave me."                                
"I won't love, believe me;                                  
We'll marry, I promise, next Frid..."                       
                                                            
67068 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Peter Wilkins            



"Whatever, my dear, is the matter?"                         
Said mother to daughter.  "I'm fatter."                     
"So go on a diet."                                          
"Okay then, I'll try it;                                    
But maybe I'll wait until Satur..."                         
                                                            
67069 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Peter Wilkins            



In anguish he cried, "I'm undone!                           
I've sinned at the thought of a nun."                       
"Don't fret," said the Abbot,                               
"A natural habit,                                           
But keep it in check 'til next Sun..."                      
                                                            
67070 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Peter Wilkins            



While travelling in Titanic's third class,                  
Young Jack met a beautiful lass.                            
When the ship went down,                                    
Jack did not let her drown.                                 
It's a pity he could not save HIS ass.                      
                                                            
67071 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Don Paul                 



Sinking slowly from sight, the Titanic                      
Heaved a groan, and a few there did panic,                  
That they would be drawn                                    
Undersea with a yawn,                                       
When the hull vanished in the Atlantic.                     
                                                            
67072 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Ystap              TP9802



There once was a traveling Hispanic                         
Who arranged for a trip on Titanic.                         
The ship hit some ice;                                      
The rest isn't nice                                         
And now he is part Oceanic.                                 
                                                            
67073 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Jim Reynolds       TP9802



I once took the Concorde to France                          
(On steamships I won't take a chance).                      
I saw that "Titanic"                                        
And the passengers panic,                                   
After scraping the iceberg, by chance.                      
                                                            
67074 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



Enjoying a trip on Titanic,                                 
I suddenly started to panic.                                
The lookout called Squeer,                                  
Said, "No icebergs here!"                                   
He should have been taking eye tonic.                       
                                                            
67075 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Traqair            TP9804



"My Heart Will Go On" -- Well, on what?                     
How could you fall for such smut?                           
With her tits all a-jiggle,                                 
And her pussy a-wriggle,                                    
She's such a lacivious slut!                                
                                                            
67076 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Raceway            TP9807



A storm in the northern Atlantic                            
Caused a boatswain and seaman to panic.                     
Two tons of medicine                                        
Called "Viagra" they jettisoned,                            
And that's how they raised the Titanic.                     
                                                            
67077 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Res Ipsa                 



Enjoying a trip on Titanic,                                 
The head barman started to panic.                           
He yelled once or twice,                                    
We've run out of ice!"                                      
Which later, I thought was ironic.                          
                                                            
67078 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     H Myers            TP9804



Enjoying a trip on Titanic,                                 
I found things were getting quite frantic.                  
I was having a wank                                         
When the fucking thing sank;                                
When I came, it was in the Atlantic.                        
                                                            
67079 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Mark Wright              



Of all of the liners Britannic,                             
Not one could compare with Titanic.                         
Neither iceberg nor wave                                    
Caused her watery grave.                                    
She sank due to forces Satanic.                             
                                                            
67080 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Loren C Fitzhugh    P9807



Code word on the Titanic was "drown."                       
It was soon the ship would go down.                         
To think it sinkable                                        
Was simply unthinkable;                                     
Book the next trip on the ship Molly Brown.                 
                                                            
67081 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Tom Patton               



Enjoying a trip on Titanic,                                 
With a senorita I practiced -- Hispanic.                    
While a lot can me said                                     
For Mexican head,                                           
You'd have thought she'd swallow, then panic.               
                                                            
67082 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Fgo                TP9804



Acting on PR advice,                                        
The Capatain announced, in a trice,                         
"There's no need to panic;                                  
This is the Titanic;                                        
We've just stopped to take on some ice."                    
(PR - Public Relations)                                     
67083 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Don Paul                 



Enjoying a trip on Titanic,                                 
With Kate Winslet, Leo said "Damnit!,                       
I thought she meant me,                                     
When Katy said, 'Lee...                                     
That thing is huge and we'll slam it!'"                     
                                                            
67084 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Loretta F                



The difference between a liner oceanic,                     
And Bill Clinton with sex drive Satanic?                    
Both are big and loud;                                      
Both are strong and are proud;                              
They know how many went down on Titanic.                    
                                                            
67085 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     H Myers                  



The Titantic's first voyage. Don't let it                   
Sail without you. You'll never forget it,                   
A voyage you'll no doubt                                    
Tell grandchildren about.                                   
If you miss it, you'll always regret it.                    
                                                            
67086 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     A. N. Wilkins       P8703



The Oscars -- the talk of the town;                         
Each star in tuxedo or gown.                                
But something went wrong,                                   
And the show took as long                                   
As Titanic took in going down.                              
                                                            
67087 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Eleison                  



The Titanic they said was unsinkable,                       
To put her down was simply unthinkable.                     
But pride and ice                                           
Don't mix very nice                                         
With water completely undrinkable.                          
                                                            
67088 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Don Paul                 



I have booked us a fabulous trip                            
On the world's first unsinkable ship.                       
There's no need to panic,                                   
We're on the Titanic!                                       
Did anyone notice a drip?                                   
                                                            
67089 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Richard Long             



After paying the cost of admission,                         
A love story without intermission,                          
While watching Titanic,                                     
They felt quite romantic.                                   
The boat sank as they longed for coition.                   
                                                            
67090 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Bob Birch           P9805



The Titanic had done the unthinkable,                       
Though they said, "She is utterly unsinkable."              
But now she is found                                        
On some ocean floor ground,                                 
Amidst water that's surely undrinkable.                     
                                                            
67091 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC                              



A beauty from somewhere Hispanic,                           
Whose appetite for blowjobs was Pyrhannic,                  
Died trying to rasie ratio                                  
Of performing fellatio                                      
When she went down with the Titanic.                        
                                                            
67092 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Don Paul                 



That night she felt real esoteric;                          
Blowing him she found it so frantic.                        
When the iceberg hit,                                       
He came on her tit.                                         
The last time she went down on Titanic                      
                                                            
67093 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Jim Weaver Collection    



The men were attending their thirst                         
With a splendid alcohol burst,                              
When the ship started sinking.                              
They carried on drinking:                                   
"Women and children go first!"                              
                                                            
67094 VEHICLES - BOATS - TITANIC     Don Paul                 



"We'd like to have you ride the bus.                        
It will save you from road-rage fuss."                      
Well, this is just great!                                   
The bus, it is late.                                        
I stand and I stop and I cuss.                              
                                                            
67095 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Marlene                  



There was a young girl from France,                         
Who jumped on a bus in a trance.                            
The passengers fucked her,                                  
Likewise the conductor;                                     
The driver shot off in his pants.                           
                                                            
67096 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Norman Douglas      L0334



There once was a leopard named Nan,                         
Who drove in a spotted green van.                           
One day he crashed                                          
And his van was smashed,                                    
So instead of driving, he ran.                              
                                                            
67097 VEHICLES - BUSSES                                       



High on a hilltop in Frisco,                                
With his pecker greased lightly with Crisco,                
A lecher named Whitney                                      
Raped a girl in a jitney,                                   
While she casually munched a Nabisco.                       
                                                            
67098 VEHICLES - BUSSES                                  G0596



A speeding bus driver named Gus,                            
Was arrested, but not without fuss.                         
For he fell on his sword,                                   
His aorta was gored,                                        
And he bled all over the bus.                               
                                                            
67099 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Pecos Bill               



Stuck driving behind the bus;                               
I choke exhaust fumes and fuss.                             
I read the small sign                                       
Stuck on behin':                                            
"Good transport from good people like us!"                  
                                                            
67100 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Marlene                  



There was a young girl, a sweet lamb,                       
Who smiled as she entered a tram.                           
And as she embarked,                                        
The conductor remarked:                                     
"Your fare." And she said, "Yes, I am."                     
                                                            
67101 VEHICLES - BUSSES                                       



A jitney is sort of a bus;                                  
When riding, the passengers fuss;                           
It wasn't worth a dime                                      
Much less then, their time;                                 
Coined the phrase, "Leave driving to us!"                   
                                                            
67102 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Barb                     



Bride thought on the day they were wed,                     
Cadillac would convey to their bed.                         
But groom was a Scot,                                       
And all that she got                                        
Was cheap jitney ride there, instead.                       
                                                            
67103 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Chris Papa               



On a bright red London OMNIBUS                              
Worked a conductor known as Gus.                            
One would not dare                                          
To skip paying fare,                                        
Because Gus would fuss and would cuss.                      
                                                            
67104 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Norm                     



There was a young lady of Rill,                             
In an omnibus was taken ill,                                
So she called the conductor,                                
Who got in and fucked her,                                  
Which did her more good than a pill.                        
(Published 1870)                                            
67105 VEHICLES - BUSSES                                  L0090



Said a fearful young lady named Whitney,                    
"No more will I ride in a jitney.                           
I was squeezed out of shape                                 
By a man bent on rape,                                      
And the jitney, I left with a bit knee."                    
                                                            
67106 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Albin Chaplin   3024-2386



There once was a man from Malayer                           
Who refused to pay his bus fare                             
On account of the fact                                      
That the downstairs was packed,                             
And the upstairs reserved for the Mayor.                    
                                                            
67107 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Michael Palin            



A herptologist, quite underrated,                           
Was once asked after he had long prated,                    
By a smart kid named Russ,                                  
Q: What's a python and bus                                  
Have in common? A: "They're reticulated."                   
                                                            
67108 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9706



A lady had thought to discuss                               
With the driver, her rape on the bus,                       
Till she noticed the sign                                   
Which said ten dollar fine,                                 
If you raise on the bus any fuss.                           
                                                            
67109 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Albin Chaplin   3024-0111



Once on a ski-bus from Vail,                                
A lass, petite and frail,                                   
Flashed me a smile,                                         
And with very smooth guile,                                 
Took the last seat; left me on the rail.                    
                                                            
67110 VEHICLES - BUSSES                                       



A man of Jewish persuasion,                                 
Hated cabs - took the bus on occasion.                      
Sounds funny I guess,                                       
But the old I.R.S.                                          
Got him for 'taxi' evasion.                                 
                                                            
67111 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Ogden Nield              



Some lawyers went off on a treat,                           
By bus, for to paddle their feet.                           
'Twas tragic, for all                                       
Were killed in the fall                                     
From a cliff... There were two empty seats.                 
                                                            
67112 VEHICLES - BUSSES                                       



My master persistently waited.                              
The faster his time was abated.                             
In spite of his aim,                                        
The bus never came,                                         
The thrill of the ride left unsated.                        
                                                            
67113 VEHICLES - BUSSES              Brickman            T9710



The trouble with airlines is planes;                        
The trouble with railways is trains.                        
It is better by far                                         
To be out in your car                                       
And annoy people in other lanes.                            
                                                            
67114 VEHICLES - CARS                Watto                    



There was a young racer named Litton;                       
By terrible fates was he smitten.                           
On a tiger did bank                                         
When he filled up his tank,                                 
Only all that he had was a kitten.                          
(gasoline promotion 1960's - Put a tiger in your tank - McW)
67115 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin            



Do you really believe we will see                           
That despite the lack of energy,                            
The day when we'll abort,                                   
Even though fuel runs short,                                
Big gas guzzlers like the SUV?                              
                                                            
67116 VEHICLES - CARS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



There are those who'd prefer, I've heard say,               
That all safeguards be taken away.                          
And all those who object                                    
Resource raping abject,                                     
Should be torched in an anto-da-fe.                         
                                                            
67117 VEHICLES - CARS                Loren Fitzhugh      P0105



So I take it, blue color is pop.                            
It's on many of our car's top.                              
Some that run fine,                                         
While others (like mine)                                    
Cannot do much better than stop.                            
                                                            
67118 VEHICLES - CARS                Misty Dragon             



When cars drove a sedate 35,                                
Burma-Shave added spice to a drive.                         
Cavemen made chickens squawk,                               
Shaved men got baby talk,                                   
Took slow motion for B-S to survive.                        
                                                            
67119 VEHICLES - CARS                Esther Koch         P9911



A girl taxi-driver named Bab,                               
Was trundling along in her cab,                             
When she saw in the road,                                   
An old warty toad,                                          
So she stopped, and for it made a grab.                     
                                                            
67120 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



In the cab he sat quietly there,                            
While she picked up and dropped many fare.                  
Then she picked up a drunk,                                 
An abusive young punk,                                      
Who swore using epithets rare.                              
                                                            
67121 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



"Come on, love, let's look at your quim."                   
She picked up the toad looking grim.                        
"I'll soon stop your itch,                                  
'Cause I'm really a witch.                                  
Quit bub, or you'll turn out like him."                     
                                                            
67122 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Most drivers are nothing but goats;                         
They clutter the highway with boats.                        
If you take this delusion                                   
To its sober conclusion,                                    
You'll see cars, behind boats, towed on floats.             
                                                            
67123 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin            



He took her for a spin in the car;                          
A convertible: a present from Da.                           
He said with a slight cough,                                
"I would like the top off,                                  
So she took off her blouse and her bra!                     
                                                            
67124 VEHICLES - CARS                Arthur Pattaffy          



We're riding to town in the car;                            
We don't really have to go far.                             
My wife said with insistence,                               
"Its about twice that distance."                            
I said "Pull over, drop me at the bar!"                     
                                                            
67125 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Here's a toast to the guys in the bar --                    
Let's hope that they all travel far                         
By boat or by train                                         
Or by bus or by plane --                                    
As long as they don't drive a car.                          
                                                            
67126 VEHICLES - CARS                Neal Wilgus         P8403



This may make the AIRBAG passe.                             
On contact, eject right away.                               
Retractable roof.                                           
Your parachute "poof"                                       
And much less insurance you'll pay.                         
                                                            
67127 VEHICLES - CARS                Irving Superior     P9203



Americans are in precarious condition;                      
In autos they hold dominant position.                       
It's a matter not trifling,                                 
The exhaust is so stifling,                                 
They will all soon expire from emission.                    
                                                            
67128 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin            



A salesman broke down in the sticks.                        
Said the Farmer, "I ain't got no chicks,                    
But my son, who is gay -- "                                 
Said the salesman, "I pray                                  
Triple A can deliver a fix!"                                
                                                            
67129 VEHICLES - CARS                John Miller 0006         



A girl in a new car from Lancaster                          
Was chagrined when an old flivver passed her.               
Said the driver, "My lass,                                  
If you use Signal gas,                                      
You'd not only go farther, but faster."                     
(prize winner - Oct 23 1949 Signal Oil Co - 20$)            
67130 VEHICLES - CARS                Alma H Dickey       P9812



Nuclear car engine mods?                                    
I wonder just what are the odds.                            
To stop the emissions,                                      
Just break form traditions,                                 
And fuel 'em with small fission rods.                       
                                                            
67131 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



An ignorant Okie named Joad                                 
Mused, "Why did that tire explode?                          
It was doing just fine                                      
While I drove a straight line...                            
Then I came to that fork in the road.                       
                                                            
67132 VEHICLES - CARS                Norm Storer         P9607



A vintage-car buff named Zaccaro                            
Is, sexwise, a superstraight arrow;                         
Around he's not fooling --                                  
But rather, though, tooling                                 
In a Gerry-built Forties Ferraro.                           
                                                            
67133 VEHICLES - CARS                Jim O'Conner        P8412



An autocubologist named Bode                                
Carries a very great load.                                  
Each day on the job,                                        
He's careful to rob                                         
The driver's view of the road.                              
                                                            
67134 VEHICLES - CARS                Harry Rubin         P9203



The price just went up at the pump.                         
We are all so happy we jump                                 
For joy at the news --                                      
"More Work!" we enthuse.                                    
This is what keeps my pocket plump!                         
                                                            
67135 VEHICLES - CARS                Marlene Lewis            



I have a job in which I must travel                         
On long roads which are asphalt or gravel.                  
I go a long way,                                            
And often I pray                                            
That I won't be slowed down by a gavel.                     
                                                            
67136 VEHICLES - CARS                Half Plume               



By the side of the road stood Miss Barr;                    
Her battery was not up to par.                              
Said a driver named Gump,                                   
"Can I give you a jump?"                                    
She said, "Yes, if you first start my car."                 
                                                            
67137 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-1941



An auto collector named Buster                              
Got laid on the hood of his Duster;                         
It was he and Miss Stax,                                    
On a chamois, with wax -                                    
And, man, did they bring out a luster!                      
                                                            
67138 VEHICLES - CARS                Cap'n Bean          P0402



A lady born under a curse                                   
Used to drive forth each day in a hearse.                   
From the back she would wail                                
Through a thickness of veil:                                
"Things do not get better, but worse."                      
                                                            
67139 VEHICLES - CARS                Edward Gorey             



A girl undertaker named Barr,                               
Carried her independence to far.                            
When business was laggin',                                  
She took her long wagon,                                    
And started up Hearse rent-a-car.                           
                                                            
67140 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



He wrote a sweet sonnet on "Circe,"                         
In which he had rhymed her with "curse;"                    
And it gave such a start                                    
To the Boston maid's heart,                                 
That she took her next ride in a hearse.                    
                                                            
67141 VEHICLES - CARS                Newton Mackintosh   P8803



Detroit may succumb to the scars                            
Of the sixties. When men wearing stars                      
And their war got the shove,                                
We preferred to make love.                                  
In Japan they preferred to make cars.                       
                                                            
67142 VEHICLES - CARS                A. N. Wilkins       P9203



Let's go for a drive somewhere.                             
Keep goin' til we're way over there.                        
I need a vacation,                                          
Some recreation,                                            
Let the wind fly free in our hair.                          
                                                            
67143 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Fill the tank with gas in the van.                          
Are you ready to go? I am.                                  
Just keep on goin'                                          
Don't need to be knowin'                                    
Where we are; we don't need a plan.                         
                                                            
67144 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



It will be a long and slow ride.                            
Next to you I'll sit alongside.                             
Your gears I'll help shift,                                 
They seem a bit stiff,                                      
Mechanical skills I'll provide.                             
                                                            
67145 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Though ads in the paper may hex us                          
And hearing their prices may vex us,                        
Tremendous prestige                                         
And, Noblesse oblige,                                       
The ladies will eagerly sex us.                             
                                                            
67146 VEHICLES - CARS                Irving Superior     P9203



Don't ride with a wild London cabby.                        
The're dangerous, reckless and crabby.                      
And the price on the meter                                  
Will shrivel your peter.                                    
They'll inter you in Westminster Abbey.                     
                                                            
67147 VEHICLES - CARS                Theo M. Heller           



If White House planners decree,                             
"The stick shift can no longer be.                          
Your new mission's                                          
Automatic transmissions."                                   
The shiftless on welfare agree.                             
                                                            
67148 VEHICLES - CARS                Thomas M. Patton    P9511



The do-gooders. as usual, have won --                       
And the "manuals" are gone, every one.                      
Now each woman and man                                      
Who drives car, truck, or van,                              
Is a cool shiftless son of a gun.                           
                                                            
67149 VEHICLES - CARS                William N. Nesbit   P9511



As a curious matter of taste,                               
In America we have embraced                                 
The automobile                                              
Because cars reveal                                         
That we have all that money to waste.                       
                                                            
67150 VEHICLES - CARS                A. N. Wilkins       P9203



Our leader asked Science to start                           
A project so dear to his heart --                           
They must work with persistence                             
To determine the distance                                   
That a car can be moved with a fart.                        
                                                            
67151 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2319



A driving instructor named Fred,                            
He turned to his student and said,                          
"Keep your manner serene,                                   
Stay awake with caffeine,                                   
And don't drive while you're getting some head!"            
                                                            
67152 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



There was a pre-med from the West,                          
Whose class said he'd turn out the best.                    
He's a doctor today,                                        
But no house calls, they say                                
He flunked out on his driver's test.                        
                                                            
67153 VEHICLES - CARS                                    P8305



Hey, asshole! You're right on my tail;                      
You got your brains from a yard sale?                       
A wig-bug just bit me:                                      
For crissakes don't hit me;                                 
My blood-sucking lawyer's in jail!                          
                                                            
67154 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Lookee here! My RV is quite lush;                           
All the comforts of home; I could blush;                    
You there, following behind,                                
Would you please be so kind;                                
Not to tailgate, or else I might flush!                     
                                                            
67155 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



She made friends with a young undertaker;                   
Her previous boyfriend did forsake her.                     
She started to curse                                        
When he showed with a hearse.                               
She said next time she would date a baker.                  
(So she could get bread? - McW)                             
67156 VEHICLES - CARS                Arthur Pattaffy          



So fast was the car of young Phil                           
'Twas easy to climb any hill.                               
But wherever he'd go,                                       
All the traffic was slow.                                   
He spent most of his time standing still.                   
                                                            
67157 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin            



A novice was driving a car,                                 
When down Porlock his son said, "Papa                       
If you drive at this rate,                                  
We are bound to be late,                                    
I'd drive faster!"  He did and they are!                    
                                                            
67158 VEHICLES - CARS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A gangster chief bet that his limousine                     
Could quickly outrun a more trim machine;                   
But sad to recall,                                          
He ran into a wall --                                       
And now he inhabits a grimmer scene.                        
                                                            
67159 VEHICLES - CARS                Norm Storer              



With automobiles future tense,                              
And traffic a great deal less dense,                        
Although more roads were gravel,                            
It was safer to travel                                      
When horsepower went with horse sense.                      
                                                            
67160 VEHICLES - CARS                A. N. Wilkins       P9203



A slick chick named Kathy O'Farrell                         
Claimed gas cost kept her in a barrel,                      
Till to Signal she turned                                   
And rapidly learned,                                        
She could have both a car and apparel.                      
                                                            
67161 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Said the boy driving home towards Clere,                    
"We have just run out of petrol, my dear."                  
Said the girl, "Not to worry!                               
I'm not in a hurry.                                         
You get out and push and I'll steer."                       
                                                            
67162 VEHICLES - CARS                Ida Thurtle              



On the highway we came to a halt.                           
I found lack of juice was the fault.                        
So I said with a sigh,                                      
"Erm, the fuel tank's dry."                                 
And gee, how I suffered assault.                            
                                                            
67163 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



She gave me a clout on the ear.                             
All I asked was to bring me some beer,                      
And that store she must pass,                               
As she walked to get gas...                                 
It's that damned PMS thing I fear.                          
                                                            
67164 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



They built one that resists rust and dents.                 
Now that makes good dollars and cents.                      
But what we really need,                                    
Detroit please take heed,                                   
Is a car that outlast the payments.                         
                                                            
67165 VEHICLES - CARS                John K. Roberts     P9304



There was a young man from Accrar,                          
Who once ran exceedingly far.                               
But he ran without knowing                                  
Just where he was going,                                    
And came first in the Paris-Dakar!                          
                                                            
67166 VEHICLES - CARS                Friar                    



A driver parked in a lay-by                                 
With a breakdown.  A drunk passing by                       
Quizzed this unlucky bloke,                                 
Who replied, "Piston broke."                                
Said the drunk with a belch, "So am I!"                     
                                                            
67167 VEHICLES - CARS                Mike Dale                



Not long after Malthus lamented                             
That if war and disease were prevented,                     
Men would soon overrun                                      
The planet, someone                                         
Wisely saw that the car was invented.                       
                                                            
67168 VEHICLES - CARS                A. N. Wilkins       P9203



I bought me a big smart Mercedes,                           
With which to attract gorgeous ladies.                      
Did I reach heaven's gate,                                  
When I went off with Kate?                                  
Not likely. That car came from Hades.                       
                                                            
67169 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



It's an old ploy, to run out of gas,                        
But not on the Reading bypass.                              
Causing much ambulation,                                    
To the nearest gas station,                                 
And much wasted time with that lass.                        
                                                            
67170 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Returning, I tried to inspire                               
That gal into waves of desire,                              
By telling sweet lies,                                      
Praising hair, breasts and eyes...                          
But then damn!  We got a flat tire.                         
                                                            
67171 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



The tire was changed. I said "Good.                         
We'll go into that handy wood,                              
And there 'neath the trees,                                 
We'll do as we please.                                      
Come on, let us get in the mood."                           
                                                            
67172 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



I fondled her mammary glands.                               
She screamed "No! Just look at your hands!"                 
Her blouse streaked with oil,                               
Took her clean off the boil,                                
She left me there, dumbstruck, and ran.                     
                                                            
67173 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



She got in my car then, the bitch,                          
Drove off and forced me then to hitch,                      
And reaching the end                                        
Of my trek, on a bend,                                      
I found my poor Merc in a ditch.                            
                                                            
67174 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



So now I've a Merc here for sale.                           
For pulling the birds, it won't fail.                       
A fornicatorium,                                            
And ladies adore-i-'em,                                     
From now on I'm sticking to rail.                           
                                                            
67175 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Some chemists are working in Bethel                         
To produce a new fuel from methyl;                          
I hope they have luck,                                      
But for my own buck,                                        
I'm still satisfied pumping Ethel!                          
                                                            
67176 VEHICLES - CARS                Travis                   



Once an old man from Mars                                   
Was arrested for burning down bars.                         
His parents got mad                                         
And kicked his butt bad;                                    
Now he only incinerates cars.                               
                                                            
67177 VEHICLES - CARS                Chris Ault          P9603



An old Indian Chief Bunning B'ar,                           
At making it rain was a star.                               
Asked, "How do you do it?"                                  
He said, "Nothing to it."                                   
"To make rain, me just washum car."                         
                                                            
67178 VEHICLES - CARS                Mary Rita Hurley         



I'm not sure just how this I should cage                    
So your anger it might not assuage,                         
But genetically                                             
And frenetically                                            
Some may be predisposed to "Road Rage".                     
                                                            
67179 VEHICLES - CARS                Loren C Fitzhugh    P9803



A logomachist said, feeling jerks,       (word expert)      
As he drove over potholes, "This irks                       
Me to great stupefaction;                                   
The roads out of action,                                    
But signs still inform me Road Works!"                      
                                                            
67180 VEHICLES - CARS                Prof M-G           TP9901



Said the Mountie, "I'm puzzled by far,                      
I know you ain't been in the bar,                           
But your legs are quite wobbly,                             
And your head's rather bobbly",                             
I groaned, "Yes! I came here by car."                       
(rough roads in Canada)                                     
67181 VEHICLES - CARS                Port McNeill Chamb  P0205



There once was a fellow named Mark,                         
Who would play with his cock in the dark.                   
He'd pretend that his prick                                 
Was a transmission stick,                                   
And he'd come when he'd shift into park.                    
                                                            
67182 VEHICLES - CARS                Mike Dale                



The White House welfare plans compel                        
Fluid drive on all cars, dealers sell.                      
For the first time ever                                     
All Americans never                                         
Have the need to shift for themselves.                      
                                                            
67183 VEHICLES - CARS                Thomas M. Patton    P9511



"My car seemed to need overhauling;                         
The gas it consumed was appalling.                          
Then Signal I tried                                         
And now when I ride,                                        
I can pay for my gas without bawling.                       
(contest winner)                                            
67184 VEHICLES - CARS                Mrs W G Reed        P9901



While waxing her car, young Miss Wise                       
By Simon was caught by surprise.                            
He lifted her gown,                                         
And her panties dropped down --                             
She was trapped by those big Simoniz.                       
                                                            
67185 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2391



To solve old age effectively,                               
At sixty three, drive sixty three.                          
At sixty four                                               
Add one mile more                                           
And so on ad infinity.                                      
                                                            
67186 VEHICLES - CARS                Irving Superior     P8509



Though it's spoken in competent verse,                      
Your logic's a little perverse;                             
To keep easing my pace                                      
For a two-second space,                                     
I'll soon find that my car's in reverse.                    
                                                            
67187 VEHICLES - CARS                Jim Weaver Collection    



So long is my stretch limousine,                            
My chauffeur, I think his name's Gene,                      
Sits so far from me,                                        
But no stranger, he,                                        
For on U-Turns, his face I have seen.                       
                                                            
67188 VEHICLES - CARS                Irving Superior     P9408



Required in hee-haw country,                                
Is to own a pick-up truck, see.                             
But here we have class,                                     
We don't want our ass                                       
To get wet; we own SUV's.                                   
                                                            
67189 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



An old taxi driver named Frank                              
Had a nest-egg put away in the bank.                        
A quick word or a joke                                      
At his fares he would poke.                                 
Frank the Crank he was known in the rank.                   
                                                            
67190 VEHICLES - CARS                Arthur Pattaffy          



A Seoul taxi-driver named Chun                              
Complained that his car wouldn't run.                       
He meant, don't you know,                                   
That the horn wouldn't blow                                 
And, without it, to drive was no fun.                       
                                                            
67191 VEHICLES - CARS                James Wade          P8303



A man whose mind had gone blank                             
Caught a cab on the end of the rank.                        
Said the cabby, "Where to?"                                 
He said, "China will do --                                  
So you'd better fill up your tank."                         
                                                            
67192 VEHICLES - CARS                Spike Milligan           



A maker of bottles was Barr;                                
He was known as the throw-away czar.                        
He was bold and astute                                      
And he made so much loot                                    
That he drove in a throw-away car.                          
                                                            
67193 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin            



There came a young fellow named Knight                      
Who zipped in a fanciful flight.                            
With the yellow light on,                                   
He just sped along;                                         
He was fined when he went through the light.                
                                                            
67194 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin            



They're drilling me street, so they are.                    
'Tis Sewer Commissioners par,                               
To carve holes in the street                                
To prove their worth.  Sweet!                               
Just leave me a path for me car!                            
                                                            
67195 VEHICLES - CARS                Liam na Beag             



A singer related to Brahms,                                 
Showed an ambulance driver her charms.                      
He like them so much,                                       
He allowed her to touch                                     
The knob that set off the alarms.                           
                                                            
67196 VEHICLES - CARS                Michael Palin       P0110



If traffic light running's your bent                        
And traffic court is where you're sent,                     
The only excuse                                             
That you cannot use --                                      
I wonder where the yellow went.                             
                                                            
67197 VEHICLES - CARS                Irving Superior     P9803



Stuck again in a bad traffic jam,                           
Closed in tighter than jammed in a clam,                    
The best only way                                           
To move is to spray                                         
All of the jammed cars with some Pam.  (teflon coating)     
                                                            
67198 VEHICLES - CARS                Timothy Torkildson       



Looking for a car is a drag;                                
Going lot to lot till you sag.                              
You see one you like                                        
But you don't want to bite,                                 
'Cause the salesman is really a nag.                        
                                                            
67199 VEHICLES - CARS                Azul                     



The snow on the ground necessitates                         
Closed transportation that's first rate.                    
A really good heater                                        
In a low cost gas eater;                                    
Hope I find one before I'm prostrate.                       
                                                            
67200 VEHICLES - CARS                Azul                     



The Earth may be struck by a comet,                         
And suffer no ill effects from it.                          
We may even get past                                        
A great nuclear blast,                                      
But we'll choke on vehicular vomit.                         
                                                            
67201 VEHICLES - CARS                Warrick Elrod            



There was a young fellow named Larket,                      
Who made many bucks on the market.                          
He then purchased a car,                                    
Much the largest by far,                                    
But he never was able to park it.                           
                                                            
67202 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin            



A lady not up to modernity                                  
Did say to the driving fraternity,                          
"If you don't watch your feet                               
While you're crossing the street,                           
They will blast you right into maternity.  (eternity)       
                                                            
67203 VEHICLES - CARS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2709



"With your van stripped, you can't get around;              
Let's swap tools, love, my logic is sound;                  
High voltage zap fries,                                     
Makes it polymerize;                                        
While it's curing, let's go fool around!"                   
                                                            
67204 VEHICLES - CARS                                         



Said a girl from beyond Pompton Lakes,                      
"I do make the most stupid mistakes,                        
Now the cars in the hall;                                   
It went right through the wall,                             
When I mixed up the gas and the brakes.                     
                                                            
67205 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Morris Bishop            



A deli hopping Jew name of Levy,                            
Found himself growing exceedingly heavy.                    
On his way back from lunch.                                 
He was involved in a crunch.                                
And cream cheese oozed out of his Chevy.                    
                                                            
67206 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Jim Weaver Collection    



While travelling the M1 Motorway,                           
An accident caused a delay.                                 
A rather young chap                                         
Had a little mishap,                                        
And that really messed up his day.                          
                                                            
67207 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Mystacy                  



His car is now a complete wreck                             
And he's got whiplash in his neck                           
As the van driver behind                                    
Had something else on his mind                              
As from his girlfriend he was getting a peck                
                                                            
67208 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Jim Weaver Collection    



His brakes he applied much to late                          
And the noise from the impact was great                     
The look on his face                                        
As he ran out of space                                      
And now all his girl gives is hate                          
                                                            
67209 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Jim Weaver Collection    



It's taken an hour or two                                   
Just to reach the front of the queue.                       
The average speed                                           
Did not exceed                                              
In KPH t'was Twenty Two!                                    
                                                            
67210 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Mystacy                  



A careless old cook of Salt Ash,                            
With a second-hand car, had a crash.                        
She ploughed through a wall,                                
House, garden, and all,                                     
And ended up 'banger and mash'.                             
(banger and mash - sausages and mashed potatoes)            
67211 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Blue Peter Lim Book P0112



The nocturnal peregrination                                 
Of items of green vegetation,                               
Is often denied,                                            
But what is implied                                         
Must merit a full investigation.                            
                                                            
67212 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



"That Dunsany Wood," said old Bill,                         
"Has migrated over the hill."                               
That claim's not rejected,                                  
And generally accepted                                      
That Shakespeare's not mentally ill.                        
                                                            
67213 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



And if dear old Willy don't rate,                           
Then boffins will certainly state,                          
(And most will concur.)                                     
That you can this infer                                     
From molecules randomized fate.                             
                                                            
67214 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



Your Honor, I'm sure now you came                           
To see now how just is my claim.                            
I hit not that tree;                                        
The thing ran at me.                                        
I cannot be held up to blame.                               
                                                            
67215 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



It pounced as I rounded the curve;                          
I'd no chance, although I prayed ferv-                      
Ently, and 'twas handy                                      
That I had that brandy,                                     
To afterwards steady my nerve.                              
                                                            
67216 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a dimwit named Bill                          
Who parked his sedan on a hill.                             
He did not set the brake,                                   
And off it did take.                                        
To this day he is chasing it still.                         
                                                            
67217 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Coleen Ebbert            



A hoyden who drove a large tourer                           
On the motorway caused a great furor.                       
She ran down a Scots scooter                                
Who ignored the loud hooter,                                
And was canceled out by her insurer.                        
                                                            
67218 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     A. N. Wilkins       P9211



An old broad with a squinty-eyed stare                      
Hit me broadside and said, "I declare,                      
Not my fault, no siree,                                     
Even though I can't see,                                    
I could not hit you if you weren't there!"                  
                                                            
67219 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Ann Gasser          P9412



The USAT's front-page graphic   (USA Today - newspaper)     
Says most of all accidents traffic                          
Are quite close to home.                                    
Is it safer to roam                                         
And trust to your angel seraphic?                           
                                                            
67220 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



But when you look under the hood,                           
The statistic is bogus, not good.                           
All trips in your car,                                      
No matter how far                                           
Have a portion in your neighborhood.                        
                                                            
67221 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



If home's where you usually drive,                          
That's where the car crashes will thrive.                   
So home or away,                                            
As you go though your day,                                  
On the road, stay alert, stay alive!                        
                                                            
67222 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Dr Limerick  05-20-02    



Your out on the town, had some drinks.                      
Going home, hit a deer, that stinks.                        
Fucked up your wheels,                                      
But there's shittier deals;                                 
What do you think the deer thinks?                          
                                                            
67223 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     MrMalo                   



Neither out on the town, nor drinkin',                      
Don't know what that damn deer was thinkin'.                
Maybe wanted to die --                                      
(Please don't ask me why)                                   
But he really messed up my new Lincoln.                     
                                                            
67224 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Kaylin                   



I'd failed, fifty times, my driving test,                   
Before putting the keys down to rest.                       
Couldn't follow instructions                                
When I was at junctions;                                    
Though, I assure you, I did try my best.                    
                                                            
67225 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT                              



The fat blimp and the Firestone top brass                   
Are both full of invisible gas.                             
While the blimp's is inert,                                 
It is clearly overt                                         
That Firestone gas comes from an ass.                       
                                                            
67226 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     William N Nesbit    P0010



The Michelin Man was excited;                               
The Dunlop officials delighted;                             
For a defect was found                                      
Which was truly profound,                                   
And the Firestone execs were indicted.                      
                                                            
67227 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Cap'n Bean          P0010



A man who loved to be last,                                 
Would also drive very fast.                                 
He also tailgated,                                          
Which was quite ill-fated;                                  
He's now in a full-body cast.                               
                                                            
67228 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Macsam                   



The lights in the window did flash,                         
Followed by a thunderous crash.                             
The car couldn't stop,                                      
And now it's atop                                           
Of my bed, with all of the trash.                           
                                                            
67229 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Azul                     



I've told the city cops for years                           
That when the weather's severe,                             
That stupid stop                                            
At the bottom of the drop                                   
Would lead to this night of my fears.                       
                                                            
67230 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     H Welchel                



There once was a man from Deep River,                       
Who drank till he ruined his liver.                         
He'd drink, then he'd drive                                 
(He's no longer alive)                                      
And he ended his days all aquiver.                          
                                                            
67231 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT                              



One time in an old Chevrolet,                               
A fellow, while feeling risque,                             
Shot off his load.                                          
The car left the road.                                      
The call him the late Dr Fey.                               
(Dr Fey - pen name of author of Lims Naughty & Gay - McW)   
67232 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Limericks Naughty & Gay  



While stopped in my car at a light,                         
Low life music blares from my right;                        
That rap I so hate,                                         
It fuels the crime rate;                                    
'Neath his car, I taped dynamite.                           
                                                            
67233 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT                              



Like a woman, with carts please be tender;                  
If gentle, she'll go where you send her.                    
But a fickle front wheel,                                   
With a squeak and a squeal,                                 
Sends this she-devil into your fender.                      
                                                            
67234 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Bob Birch           P0800



Some thirty years back now, or so,                          
In my battered old car we would go,                         
To a place so secluded,                                     
And my Ermintrude did                                       
Things that would make my dong grow.                        
                                                            
67235 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



Over my lap she would straddle,                             
And thereon, as many a lad'll                               
Tell you, I found                                           
A spot in a mound,                                          
In which I could park my young paddle.                      
                                                            
67236 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



Together we got in the groove,                              
The climax we had was to prove                              
That tattered cliche,                                       
When you've had it away,                                    
We both thought we felt the earth move.                     
                                                            
67237 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



I looked up and noticed the scene,                          
Was different to what it had been,                          
The brake didn't hold,                                      
While boffing we'd rolled,                                  
Into the old muddy stream.                                  
                                                            
67238 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



A breakdown truck gave extrication,                         
He grinned at our lame explanation,                         
Which with laughs was received,                             
And no-one believed,                                        
And thus we lost our reputation.                            
                                                            
67239 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



Now for these thirty years she's my wife,                   
I've loved her for all of my life.                          
But these days we make                                      
Sure our car has a brake,                                   
So now we don't suffer such strife.                         
                                                            
67240 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



An elderly gent was knocked over;                           
He was hit by a new model Rover.                            
I know the highway code;                                    
I know the rules of the road;                               
I wasn't wearing my lucky clover.                           
                                                            
67241 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young man of Margate,                           
Who got blotto, I'm sad to relate.                          
He drove off in his car,                                    
But he didn't get far.                                      
They refer to him now as "the late".                        
                                                            
67242 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     John Blyth               



When the rains come, the roads are like pools;              
Drivers driving too fast become fools.                      
They soaked their car brakes,                               
And made many mistakes.                                     
Many did not observe the road rules.                        
                                                            
67243 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



A reckless young driver named Reid                          
Once drove at a high rate of speed                          
Off a cliff...he went zoom!                                 
Then his car went kaboom!                                   
A spectacular finish, indeed.                               
                                                            
67244 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Cap'n Bean          P0212



There was a teen-ager named Shriver                         
Who thought that he was a good driver.                      
Had he not tried to drive                                   
At one hundred and five,                                    
Then for sure he would be much aliver.                      
                                                            
67245 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Albin Chaplin            



I did not see the sign that read: Yield.                    
Hit a pig.  Didn't stop.  Off I peeled.                     
Well, I just couldn't see                                   
How cops knew it was me.                                    
The the officer said, "The pig squealed!"                   
                                                            
67246 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Kirk Miller              



"You can guess, of course, what it was like,"               
Said a new teenage driver named Mike.                       
"When dad said I might                                      
Have the Chevy that night,                                  
I backed over his new ten-speed bike."                      
                                                            
67247 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     A. N. Wilkins       P9203



A Tory, once out in his motor,                              
Ran over a Labourite voter.                                 
"Thank goodness," he cried,                                 
"He was on the wrong side.                                  
So I don't blame myself one iota."                          
                                                            
67248 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Linda Marsh Coll         



Oh Damn!  Yes, you know how it goes;                        
First time with the car and it shows.                       
You stopped to get gas                                      
Then went away fast.                                        
Now your car is sporting a hose.                            
                                                            
67249 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Azul                     



Rush hour -- she needed a jump                              
To beat folks; she sped from the pump.                      
While back at the station,                                  
A huge conflagration                                        
Singed hairs on the poor owner's rump.                      
                                                            
67250 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Frank Fazed              



Our C.E.O. was promoted: to rejoice                         
He purchased a new Rolls-Royce.                             
Driving with precision,                                     
He was in a collision,                                      
And yelled at the top of his voice.                         
                                                            
67251 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



I'll have a new law for the book                            
And its curious drivers I'll hook.                          
Ad collision, you say?                                      
But one lane should delay,                                  
But in fact we all slow down and look.                      
                                                            
67252 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Mike Dale                



In convertibles she was quite brash,                        
When she put her feet up on the dash.                       
A trucker drove by,                                         
Her bare crotch caught his eye;                             
Four people were killed in the crash.                       
                                                            
67253 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Clark                    



The convertible pulled along side;                          
A clear view I had of inside;                               
My eyes soon led                                            
From hair so red,                                           
To breasts that she could not hide.                         
                                                            
67254 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Toolman                  



Her legs she intended to show;                              
Though long they were white as snow.                        
From legs so bright,                                        
I lost my sight;                                            
Now I'm in the ditch, don't you know!                       
                                                            
67255 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Toolman                  



There once was a fellow named Schneider,                    
Who imbibed too freely of cider.                            
Enroute to St. Paul,                                        
He crashed a stone wall;                                    
Now his car is much shorted, but wider.                     
                                                            
67256 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a teen driver named Nash,                         
Well known for his daring and dash.                         
He remarked he felt great                                   
When he went eighty-eight,                                  
And at ninety he made quite a smash.                        
                                                            
67257 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Albin Chaplin            



A lady driver found she'd a flat;                           
How on earth will she quite cope with that?                 
She found that her spare,                                   
In its place wasn't there,                                  
Just some kittens and a mama cat!                           
                                                            
67258 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a fellow named Jim                           
Who took his girl out for a spin.                           
The speedometer rose;                                       
The gas pedal froze;                                        
They found parts of her but not him.                        
                                                            
67259 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Carol Odum               



There once was a fellow named Hatch,                        
While enroute to a wrestling match,                         
Swung the door of his car                                   
A little too far,                                           
And an argument started from scratch.                       
                                                            
67260 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Observer           TP9901



I skidded and slid near a lake;                             
Hit a tree when I slammed on the brake.                     
Car slid through the ice;                                   
Lacking air would suffice.                                  
Icing was the frosting on cake!                             
                                                            
67261 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Murky               T9712



An amateur, driving too fast,                               
From his car to the roadway was cast,                       
And a friend kindly said,                                   
As he banged his head,                                      
"Mr. Cobbler, stick to your last."                          
                                                            
67262 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT                              



There was a young fellow named Harold,                      
His car at a hundred he barrelled.                          
And for better or worse,                                    
Ended up in a hearse.                                       
They sang songs and some hymns, and they caroled.           
                                                            
67263 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Albin Chaplin            



Poor Max had a pile-up vehicular,                           
Which left him and car, perpendicular.                      
In his groin was the gear                                   
Shift, which left him, I hear,                              
From thereafter uni-testicular.                             
                                                            
67264 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy Ogg                



A wealthy Eton schoolboy named Gently                       
Came to school every day in the Bentley.                    
The butler named Ivor                                       
Was a qualified driver,                                     
But the boy drove the car, incidentally.                    
                                                            
67265 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



One day he was involved in a crash                          
Which he thought he'd blow over with cash.                  
The other driver, a learner,                                
Lived life on the slow burner,                              
But the rich parents' teeth started to gnash.               
                                                            
67266 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



The case sadly went on to court;                            
The police said much in their report.                       
Fines and damages galore;                                   
He does not drive any more;                                 
The judge said he needed to be taught.                      
                                                            
67267 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



At the time of writing he's still learning;                 
His father is still slowly burning.                         
Ivor's no longer friendly                                   
With young master Gently;                                   
As a butler, he is very discerning.                         
                                                            
67268 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Arthur Pattaffy          



Jump starting his car, a buffoon,                           
Deeply shocked himself into a swoon.                        
Neighbors showed no dismay,                                 
At this oafish display,                                     
And the card they sent read, "Wet Cell Goon."               
                                                            
67269 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Bob Giandomenico    P0309



In my youth, I once owned a Jaguar,                         
An E-type, my God what a car!                               
But once as I sped,                                         
While getting some head,                                    
I came, and I crashed, hence this scar.                     
                                                            
67270 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tutta Gioia              



If you watch how most females drive,                        
You would thank your stars you're alive.                    
When they're at the wheel,                                  
I strongly do feel                                          
That no one could ever survive.                             
                                                            
67271 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT                              



And still you manage to survive,                            
It's a wonder that you're all alive;                        
Bugged eyes popping out,                                    
From looking about,                                         
To see if us girlies can drive.                             
                                                            
67272 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT                              



Although it may seldom appear                               
That men are at fault as I fear,                            
You may just be right.                                      
We'll crash at the sight                                    
Of a sexy, beautiful rear.                                  
                                                            
67273 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Lightbulb                



A local tale, gentlemen, ladies:                            
A car transport driver named Davies,                        
Crashed, tipped off his load                                
All over the road,                                          
And wrote off six brand new Mercedes.                       
                                                            
67274 VEHICLES - CARS - ACCIDENT     Tiddy                    



My 'vette is a blue Chevy sedan.  (Chevette)                
I drive it whenever I can.                                  
It lets me roam,                                            
To work and to home.                                        
(It's usually at the repair station.)                       
                                                            
67275 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Misty Dragon             



Next came my shitty Chevette,                               
Worst in the world, oh you bet!                             
With floor rusted through,                                  
During rain, oh it's true!                                  
I would become soaking wet!                                 
                                                            
67276 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Arden                    



I had an old Chevrolet Shove-it (Chevette)                  
Whose noise you could not hear above it.                    
When driving at fifty,                                      
It got pretty iffy;                                         
There was not a way I could love it.                        
                                                            
67277 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Karen                    



A sprightly young fellow named Jay                          
Screwed a girl in his car every day.                        
His aims weren't base,                                      
He just wanted to place                                     
The 'lay' in his old Chevrolet.                             
                                                            
67278 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Isaac Asimov             



"At your age," declared Mr. Clay,                           
"I'd have driven my dad's Chevrolet                         
And been glad of the chance                                 
Without this song and dance                                 
On what bumper stickers might say."                         
                                                            
67279 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        A. N. Wilkins       P8502



A tight-fisted satyr named Ray                              
Asked a lady if she'd play for pay.                         
When she named a fair price,                                
He responded "No dice."                                     
So she peed in his new Chevrolet.                           
                                                            
67280 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Theo Heller         P9203



An amorous lady named White                                 
Went out in a Chevy one night.                              
She was fucked by young Brinkage,                           
But she fouled up his linkage,                              
And it gave him a pull to the right.                        
                                                            
67281 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Albin Chaplin   3024-0380



My brother and I had some fun                               
In Dad's Chevy, which led to this pun:                      
"Dad, let me explain,                                       
The SUN made that stain..."                                 
And Dad said, "I know.  But which son?"                     
                                                            
67282 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY                                 



"Though his Chevy's a little bit rusted,                    
I think Bill is a guy to be trusted."                       
When a friend asked her why,                                
"It's his seatbelts," said Vi.                              
"They don't have to be readjusted."                         
                                                            
67283 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        A. N. Wilkins       P8502



I, yesterday, saw Mr. Levy;                                 
He'd replaced all the springs in his Chevy.                 
The reason, you see,                                        
'Least it's what he told me:                                
His dates have been all very heavy.                         
                                                            
67284 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Cap'n Bean          P9809



I test drove a Corvette today,                              
And listened to the salesman say:                           
"Oh yes, it is true,                                        
This car's really you."                                     
And I began thinking that way.                              
                                                            
67285 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Ericka                   



There once was a fellow named Brett,                        
Loved a girl in a shiny Corvette.                           
We know it's absurd                                         
But the last that we heard                                  
They hadn't untangled them yet.                             
                                                            
67286 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY                                 



The beauties I had were a bevy;                             
Some breasts were small, most were heavy.                   
I picked their sweet cherries,                              
Those virginal berries;                                     
Ah, memories of my old chevy.                               
                                                            
67287 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Travis Brasell           



There was a young lady named May,                           
Who was taking a ride in her sleigh.                        
She ran out of snow;                                        
Her sleigh wouldn't go.                                     
Now her horse pulls an old Chevrolet.                       
                                                            
67288 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY        Smiley Scrooge           



I went on another hiatus you see;                           
'Twas shopping for a sleek S.U.V.                           
It's a Chevy Suburban,                                      
With a blue velvet curtain;                                 
Now all I need's some warm company.                         
                                                            
67289 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY                                 



I tried out the stereo, it rocks;                           
But I'd rather be trying the shocks;                        
With a pretty young lass,                                   
With one hand on her ass,                                   
And the other entwined in her locks.                        
                                                            
67290 VEHICLES - CARS - CHEVY                                 



While driving toward Amarillo,                              
Sleep-driving was his peccadillo.                           
The trip was so boring,                                     
He found himself snoring                                    
Without benefit of a pillow.                                
                                                            
67291 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Jim Weaver Collection    



An impatient young driver named Ray                         
Would get stuck in the traffic each day.                    
So to make matters nice,                                    
He installed a device                                       
Which yelled, "Get the Fuck out of my way!"                 
                                                            
67292 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Albin Chaplin       P0105



The traffic's increasingly thick;                           
The road is amazingly slick.                                
If only they'd go,                                          
I'd speed up and show                                       
How my car is amazingly quick.                              
                                                            
67293 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Matthew Monchalin        



Moonstruck drivers will never take care.                    
On the road they will give you a scare.                     
They are never alone                                        
As they talk on the phone,                                  
At the same time they're combing their hair.                
                                                            
67294 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Tom Patton          P0007



Sometimes I pretend I'm U.K.                                
And drive down the road the wrong way.                      
I get gestures quite graphic                                
From oncoming traffic --                                    
It's clear they don't know how to play.                     
                                                            
67295 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Ericka                   



I've read limericks from people who                         
Drive on the right just like you.                           
If you come over here,                                      
Have nothing to fear.                                       
Drive straight down the middle, like I do.                  
                                                            
67296 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Bob Hunt                 



This summer to England I'll flit                            
And I don't like their driving one bit;                     
So, I'll take the bus                                       
And avoid all the fuss                                      
Of learning to drive like a Brit!                           
                                                            
67297 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      ROE                      



Scared of driving in England?  Don't fear.                  
They will drive on the right by next year.                  
After planning for ages,                                    
They will do it in stages --                                
Starting with trucks first, I hear.                         
                                                            
67298 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Mike Dale                



Whenever I drive in the town                                
I never can put my foot down.                               
They drive nose to tail                                     
At the pace of a snail;                                     
I always come home with a frown.                            
                                                            
67299 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Frank                    



Ahead of me the road leads on;                              
Black night, bright stars and a song.                       
The freedom to go;                                          
No one to say whoa.                                         
I think I will drive until dawn.                            
                                                            
67300 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Azul                     



Crank up the radio, girl!                                   
Make that old highway uncurl.                               
Faster than light,                                          
Driving all night,                                          
Give your new car a good whirl.                             
                                                            
67301 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Karen                    



The Feds want to crack down on anger;                       
Road kill from a slight fender banger.                      
Those whackos that beep                                     
When I'm driving asleep,                                    
Get pissed if I give them the fanger!                       
                                                            
67302 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING                               



A formula driver named Reid,                                
Left the grid at very high speed.                           
In his most recent race,                                    
I'm afraid he lost face;                                    
He hit gravel because of his greed.                         
                                                            
67303 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Arthur Pattaffy          



He took the car for an test run;                            
At the wheel it felt like lots of fun.                      
At one hundred plus                                         
With no tremor or fuss,                                     
He travelled like a shot from a gun!                        
                                                            
67304 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Arthur Pattaffy          



When you're driving fast in the Grand Prix,                 
You don't know what the outcome will be.                    
If you're into a spin,                                      
Then some trouble you're in;                                
You could wind up in eternity,                              
                                                            
67305 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Arthur Pattaffy          



A car on a side street I spy,                               
Fast pulls in front of me.  Why?                            
I've been going 60,                                         
But now I'm at 50.                                          
Rude folks can't let fast folks pass by!                    
                                                            
67306 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Phil T                   



Some thoughts on the problem of traffic                     
In other locales geographic:                                
Right-driving touring                                       
Amid left-driving chauffeuring,                             
May result in an end that's too graphic.                    
                                                            
67307 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING                               



From conformist history ample,                              
Of trend-setters suffering a trample,                       
The Argentines                                              
In the Isles Malvines,                                      
May serve as a perfect example.                             
                                                            
67308 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Res Ipsa                 



In the Falklands, without a rehearsal,                      
The Argentines ordered reversal                             
Of the driving direction,                                   
Without allowing objection                                  
From the resident left-driving denizal.                     
                                                            
67309 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING                               



The Argentines drive on the right,                          
As any new-worlder just might.                              
But the British residents                                   
Suffered car accidents,                                     
Under Argentine tanks in the night.                         
                                                            
67310 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING                               



Although Argentina lost in that war,                        
The motorists crushed, lost far more.                       
The left-driving Brits,                                     
'Mid right-driving twits,                                   
Were flattened and ground into gore.                        
                                                            
67311 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING                               



Though at home, Brit soldiers ride horses,                  
'Round Windsor and Piccadilly courses.                      
While there, please go on the left,                         
Lest we be bereft                                           
Of a rhymer underfoot of the forces.                        
                                                            
67312 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING                               



'Twas on the M3, 'round near Book,                          
A glance at my speedo I took.                               
One hundred and nine                                        
Eats the miles up fine;                                     
But then in the mirror I look.                              
                                                            
67313 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Tiddy Ogg                



You've guessed what appeared in my sight,                   
A white car with flashing blue light.                       
Pulled to the curb,                                         
Preparing to burb-                                          
Le excuses pathetic and trite.                              
                                                            
67314 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Tiddy Ogg                



The speed cop walked over to shoot                          
His spiel:  'Guess you think it was cute.                   
Your licence?" and rash-                                    
Ly I said, "In the dash,                                    
With the gun, and you'll find in the boot..."               
                                                            
67315 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Tiddy Ogg                



"...The body of my wife, Eileen"                            
The Officer turns yellow, then green.                       
He yells in his bleeper:                                    
"Help, Constable Dnieper!"                                  
In no time there's scores on the scene.                     
                                                            
67316 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Tiddy Ogg                



They search; all is clear.  "It's all bleeding              
Empty!" yells Dnieper, conceeding.                          
He stands, face afire.                                      
Says I, "He's a liar.                                       
The next thing he'll say, I've been speeding!"              
                                                            
67317 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Tiddy Ogg                



The car salesman was heard to say,                          
"Joe, test drive this new car today!"                       
So that day in June,                                        
Joe left around noon,                                       
And test-drove that car until May.                          
                                                            
67318 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Travis Brasell           



Once a chap with a headache called Lee                      
Took his car for a drive by the sea,                        
And returned without pain.                                  
Said his wife, "Please explain"...                          
"I had Mot'rin and water," said he!                         
                                                            
67319 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Peter Wilkins            



There once was a young man named Otto                       
Who had more time to loaf than he'd otto.                   
He went for a spiel                                         
In his ottomobile,                                          
As you'd think Otto ot in his otto.                         
                                                            
67320 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Princeton Tiger     P0007



They all drive like they are berserk.                       
There was one particular jerk                               
Who passed on the right,                                    
Then sped out of sight.                                     
I'll see him tomorrow at work.                              
                                                            
67321 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Marlene                  



Miss Goodwrench said, "Shove it in...park!                  
Oh yes!...That's it!...Ohhh!...What a spark!                
Your shaft is now seated,                                   
Though quite overheated...                                  
The head is well into it's mark!                            
                                                            
67322 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Travis Brasell           



A friend of a friend that I know,                           
While out driving, quite angry did grow.                    
"Those drivers all suck,                                    
Drive like old people fuck,                                 
Extremely sloppy and slooooow!"                             
                                                            
67323 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Jeanie                   



There once was a corner whereat                             
You'd approach while you grasped at you hat.                
For there was vegetaion                                     
Or earth from one station                                   
To the other, and yes, that was that.                       
                                                            
67324 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Liam na Beag             



Then the City decided to post                               
All-way Stops.  So with warnings to boast,                  
Traffic stopped as it should                                
And then went when it could.                                
All hail to the City!  A toast!                             
                                                            
67325 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Liam na Beag             



We loved the new stoppage.  But wait!                       
We had yet to hear from the State.                          
For they own the street,                                    
And they thought it not meet                                
To have posted the signs there, of late.                    
                                                            
67326 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Liam na Beag             



Now they're gone, All-way stops and my mind.                
The State took them all, and I find                         
No reason at hand                                           
To say why, in this land,                                   
One would jeopardize life in that kind.                     
                                                            
67327 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Liam na Beag             



There was a young girl called Tamar,                        
Whose daddy gave her a new car.                             
No fun she'd derive;                                        
She'd no license to drive,                                  
'Til she learns, she'll not get very far.                   
                                                            
67328 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lawyer named Kane,                        
Whose driving stayed in the fast lane.                      
After a day in court,                                       
With tension he's fraught;                                  
His speeding relaxes his brain!                             
                                                            
67329 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Arthur Pattaffy          



He took to the road in a rental;                            
Not used to a sports continental.                           
He was driving at speed,                                    
With a small map to read;                                   
His damage was basically dental.                            
                                                            
67330 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Arthur Pattaffy          



I've been driving some months with an "L";  (learner)       
My teacher quite often would yell.                          
If you drive in that way,                                   
Not the way that I say,                                     
To pass you will need a witches spell!                      
                                                            
67331 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Arthur Pattaffy          



When I have my hair done, I look great.                     
Assignations I then instigate.                              
To get to them, I drive,                                    
So feel thrilled and alive,                                 
As I weave along the Interstate.                            
                                                            
67332 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9609



As I drove I heard a loud horn blast                        
From a guy behind coming up fast.                           
My car isn't slow!                                          
But he knew how to GO!                                      
And he winked and he waved as he passed.....<sigh           
                                                            
67333 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING                               



It's quite clear they are accident prone,                   
Whether chauffeuring or driving alone.                      
They're primping or drinking                                
Or eating, not thinking,                                    
And smoking, while on the cell phone.                       
                                                            
67334 VEHICLES - CARS - DRIVING      Loren Fitzhugh      P0010



A reckless cab driver named Kent                            
Owns a taxi that's just one big dent.                       
But when you are inside,                                    
You enjoy the ride --                                       
He's cut his rate twenty percent.                           
                                                            
67335 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Lims For Year - 01       



With key in ignition, I'm thwarted.                         
My DieHard, I fear, has departed.                           
For it would appear                                         
I have no amp here.                                         
Dead battery?  Don't get me started!                        
                                                            
67336 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE                           



A mechanic who misunderstood,                               
Used his dipstick to prop up the hood,                      
While he fixed an old wreck.                                
Then he did an oil check...                                 
Now his head hurts far more than it should.                 
                                                            
67337 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Prof M-G           TP9807



There was an old crusty mechanic                            
Whose manners were fierce and tyrannic.                     
Dull headlights would glare                                 
At his furious stare,                                       
And dead engines turn over in panic!                        
                                                            
67338 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  N. M. Bodecker      P8911



"Oh hi, my new Rolls is such junk,                          
I know it won't start...send a hunk                         
Right now with his wrecker                                  
And speedo-dressed pecker;                                  
And one who has plenty of spunk!"                           
(Hunk towing in Florida for women drivers 2002)             
67339 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Travis Brasell           



Just because my car will not start,                         
Does not mean that I have the heart                         
To get a new car.                                           
It is better by far                                         
That my car and I do not part                               
                                                            
67340 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Marlene                  



And what is your problem, pray tell;                        
Is your bolide not feeling well?                            
Is it through old age                                       
Or just heavy usage,                                        
And is it too knackered to sell?                            
                                                            
67341 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Frank                    



I cannot afford a new car;                                  
This one has already gone far.                              
According to lore,                                          
It still should go more;                                    
Has not reached the hundred thou bar.                       
                                                            
67342 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Marlene                  



Well cars are like people, I fear;                          
We don't all go on year to year.                            
Some die in our youth;                                      
Others old and uncouth,                                     
So save up and get some new gear.                           
                                                            
67343 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Frank                    



A new one won't do, I'm afraid --                           
This style is no longer made.                               
A cute little box                                           
Does not attract jocks;                                     
Into the background it does fade.                           
                                                            
67344 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Marlene                  



A racer that's sporty and sleek,                            
Will get the attention you seek.                            
Just take my advice;                                        
Don't even think twice,                                     
'Cause time's passing on as I speak.                        
                                                            
67345 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Frank                    



A new alternator installed.                                 
Still no good, they said when I called.                     
Emissions don't check;                                      
Why drive this old wreck?                                   
With attitude I'm not enthralled.                           
                                                            
67346 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Marlene                  



You'll find that if one thing goes wrong,                   
Another fault soon comes along.                             
It is called wear and tear,                                 
And frankly, my dear,                                       
You're better off saying "So long!"                         
                                                            
67347 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Frank                    



Okay!  We will tinker with it!                              
They are trying to make sure the fit                        
To state emissions rules.                                   
If they tweak the tools,                                    
My auto tonight I would get.                                
                                                            
67348 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Marlene                  



Your auto with breath that is bad,                          
Is a tale that is really quite sad.                         
But try not to wilt,                                        
Get your engine rebuilt,                                    
And grow old with a sweet smelling lad.                     
                                                            
67349 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Frank                    



Today in my house I am stuck,                               
Because of that mechanic, the schmuck.                      
Who's looking for a part,                                   
(I'm sure at Kmart)                                         
Do they sell axles there for a truck?                       
                                                            
67350 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE                           



Yes, Kmart sells one super axle;                            
It's easy to order by faxle;                                
Don't get in a panic,                                       
Just tell that mechanic                                     
To haul the thing home on his baxle.                        
                                                            
67351 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE                           



He told me three weeks it will take,                        
To get the right model and make.                            
So he'll lend me a scooter,                                 
'Cause I'm a commuter;                                      
Now I've got one big migraine headache.                     
                                                            
67352 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE                           



"Miss Goodwrench, it's been quite a thrill,                 
And I know I'll remember this 'til..."                      
"Oh, well don't lose your rod,                              
Since you're blowing your wad,"                             
She said, "Now I have to give you the bill."                
                                                            
67353 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE                           



The mechanic shop has a new hire                            
In Miss Goodwrench, a cute ball of fire.                    
"When rubber meets road,                                    
Please don't blow your load,                                
'Cause I'm really just talking 'bout tires."                
                                                            
67354 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Tom Accousti             



Miss Goodwrench said, giving a nod,                         
"Your nipipindoodledum rod                                  
Is clogged in the middle.                                   
So if I just diddle...                                      
Whoops!  Now you've just blown your damn rod!"              
                                                            
67355 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Travis Brasell           



The details of car maintenance                              
Should never be ceded to chance.                            
My wife instructs me                                        
Which I pass on for free:                                   
Don't wipe the dipstick on your pants.                      
                                                            
67356 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  VOL 6                    



You want to look under my hood?                             
I see that I've misunderstood!                              
To view my old Dodge,                                       
Come 'round my garage;                                      
I'll give you a ride then, butt good!                       
                                                            
67357 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Cyber Wizard             



With your old Dodge, it requires repair;                    
It needs regular tune ups, are you aware?                   
On the rack it must go,                                     
Before I can know                                           
If it's in need of trained intensive care.                  
                                                            
67358 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Jenni Saqua              



It just hits on "seven", it's true,                         
And "tune-ups"?  The turn of a screw.                       
If you crank up the rachet,                                 
In hopes you may cache it,                                  
Well you might one ICU.                                     
                                                            
67359 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Cyber Wizard             



Your Dodge needs a tune-up, you say?                        
A turn of the screwdriver, eh?                              
I better mention,                                           
I'll check your suspension,                                 
And your balance, too, by the way.                          
                                                            
67360 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Jenni Saqua              



I don't want to cause any trouble;                          
For that screw I will purr on the double.                   
You're in for some yocks                                    
When you feel my shocks,                                    
And balance?  I'm off half a bubble.                        
                                                            
67361 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Cyber Wizard             



Ms Goodwench is the name of my shop.                        
You've heard "...in the shop, till you drop?"               
I've all the right tools                                    
And know all the rules;                                     
Of my skills, they all say I'm tiptop.                      
                                                            
67362 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Jenni Saqua              



Pull back those double-doors darlin';                       
I'm pullin' around my old Marlin.   (AMC)                   
Just pull out that tube                                     
And give it a lube;                                         
We'll soon have no strength to be snarlin'.                 
                                                            
67363 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Cyber Wizard             



It can'b be much better'n that!                             
I'll get you there in nothing flat.                         
With you tipping Topper,                                    
My gasket will pop.  Er,                                    
Could you do with a new thermostat?                         
                                                            
67364 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Jenni Saqua              



Your tune up will not be complete                           
Till your engine's purring real sweet.                      
Revved up just so,                                          
It's rearing to go.                                         
Timing's critical, it mustn't overheat.                     
                                                            
67365 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Cyber Wizard             



A fly-by-night phoney, you're not.                          
I thought that my wad had been shot,                        
Just buying that wreck.                                     
But look here now.  Heck!                                   
My rod isn't all that is hot.                               
                                                            
67366 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Jenni Saqua              



I admit you've got it looking spiffy,                       
And did it for me in a jiffy.                               
The purring!  The shine!                                    
That old sixty-nine                                         
Is starting to make me feel nifty!                          
                                                            
67367 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE  Cyber Wizard             



While I'm fixin up the old Pacer,                           
Chicks got loose; we had a chaser.                          
Eva left with a trucker                                     
Who was eager to fucker,                                    
So I'll polish the car with a 'raser!                       
                                                            
67368 VEHICLES - CARS - MAINTENANCE                           



It had snowed, and the man in the drift,                    
Flagged her down and asked for a lift.                      
They sat in her Bentley.                                    
She fondled him gently,                                     
And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!                 
                                                            
67369 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



Bill's '66 Mustanag is quite nifty;                         
He restored it without being thrifty.                       
When asked to endorse                                       
A product, of course,                                       
What else would he use but "Slick 50".                      
                                                            
67370 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



To all you who are making the bucks,                        
Yet regardless, your attitude sucks.                        
May your Beemer be caught                                   
In a big parking lot,                                       
On the highway, surrounded by trucks!                       
                                                            
67371 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Wiggins              



Willy's cash was just not up to snuff;                      
What a Cad! A lack made friendship tough;                   
Since we could not af-Ford,                                 
To be seen in ac-Cord,                                      
We g-Nashed gears, and drove off in a Huff.                 
                                                            
67372 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Robin K. Willoughby P8511



Cataracts, Rincons, and Rexus,                              
And other such words can perplex us.                        
Though the question electic                                 
In an Asian dialectic,                                      
Such automobile types form the nexus!                       
                                                            
67373 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



A Chinese man said, while blinking,                         
(Which got his eye doctor to thinkin')                      
"My Cataracts bad,                                          
Which makes me quite sad,                                   
I'd prefer a Rexus or Rincon."                              
                                                            
67374 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



I fear that I may have mispoke;                             
I'd not meant an obfuscate smoke.                           
The man was Chinese,                                        
Was not discussing disease,                                 
It was of three types of cars that he spoke.                
                                                            
67375 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



A taxicab driver named Becker                               
Was killed when he crashed his old Checker;                 
His body was hauled                                         
By the hearse that got called;                              
The Checker was towed by a wrecker.                         
                                                            
67376 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Cap'n Bean          P0201



A dumb PR fellow named Jim,                                 
Whose future with Chrysler looks grim,                      
Wastes his days playing soccer,                             
Simply loathes Iacocca,                                     
And drives a new Ford with gold trim.                       
                                                            
67377 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Armand E Singer       704



That sexy LeBaron convertible,                              
Has drivers with habits pervertable,                        
Attracts the slickest hotrods,                              
Automotive He-Gods.                                         
They're looking for something de-skirtable!                 
                                                            
67378 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



We all heard of Chrysler's new styles,                      
From Lee's ballyhoo, and time trials.                       
But what we don't know                                      
Is how far they go,                                         
Before they recorded the miles.                             
(Chrysler scandal - execs using new cars speedo disconnect) 
67379 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Gifford Wherry           



I was born in the year of the Dragon.                       
I probably should not be braggin'                           
Luck second to Snake,                                       
I know it's not fake                                        
Cause I own a lil' Civic Wagon!                             
                                                            
67380 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



Now you claim that you brought us the car?                  
Now you have gone way too far!                              
It is my contention                                         
This European invention                                     
Made Daimler-Benz the original star.                        
                                                            
67381 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Bob Mornington           



A cautious young fellow named Lodge,                        
Had seat belts installed in his Dodge.                      
When his date was strapped in,                              
He committed a sin                                          
Without even leaving the garage.                            
                                                            
67382 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



For Sale: '85 2-dr Dodge Omni,                              
New snows, gd shape, 2-tone(teal/hominy)                    
V gd winter car,                                            
Mileage rated ****,                                         
Autographed on hood by Geo Romney.                          
                                                            
67383 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Robin K. Willoughby P8703



Exotic B.C. sound terrific to me,                           
A cabin or chalet or lodge;                                 
A furnished crevasse                                        
In Kicking Horse Pass,                                      
With a piece of paved road for my Dodge.                    
                                                            
67384 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



On a date went the Rani Pakari,                             
In an over-sexed fellow's Ferrari.                          
She came home the next day,                                 
With her charms on display,                                 
Through a great jagged rip in her sari.                     
                                                            
67385 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



Forty's a wonderful age.                                    
You'll offer advice like a sage.                            
But if you should doubt                                     
Old libido's clout,                                         
A Ferrari in RED is the rage.                               
(Rhubarb has a red Miata - McW)                             
67386 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Frank Spectra            



"What's an 'autocrat', dad", inquired Jay,                  
And his father responded, "They say                         
That is government, son,                                    
An autocrat's one                                           
Who rules strictly by Fiat today."                          
                                                            
67387 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        A. N. Wilkins       P8403



Said the potentate, gross and despotic,                     
"My tastes are more rich than exotic.                       
I've always adored                                          
Making love in a Ford                                       
Because I am auto-erotic.                                   
                                                            
67388 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        M. O. Rank          G0561



My husband brought home an Explorer....                     
I cried with amazement and horror,                          
"So you thought it was cute                                 
To buy a new Ute?                                           
Leaving us thousands the poorer!"                           
                                                            
67389 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



My car stopped amid squeals of tire;                        
The policeman asked, "Where's the fire?"                    
"Sir, I may be speeding                                     
But Ford's recall I'm heeding                               
Before I'm consumed in a pyre."                             
                                                            
67390 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Tom Patton          P9607



Bill enjoyed his new Bronco and would                       
Drive much faster that he knew he should.                   
And when Trooper McGuire                                    
Said, "OK, where's the fire?"                               
Bill said, "Wait! Let me open the hood!"                    
                                                            
67391 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        William N. Nesbit   P9607



An Officer said, "Where's the fire?"                        
As my Ford was about to expire.                             
While a hot spark ignition                                  
Is an old Ford tradition,                                   
A car's not a funeral pyre.                                 
                                                            
67392 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Tom Patton          P9607



These two flies have a '69 Ford,                            
And two offspring that they can't afford.                   
The fenders are dented,                                     
The dash is cemented,                                       
And the bumper says "Maggots on Board!"                     
                                                            
67393 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Al Willis                



So Ford has lost millions of bucks;                         
It seems that their company sucks.                          
Their flashy new cars                                       
Are no longer stars.                                        
They could try making squeegies for ducks.                  
                                                            
67394 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



Ford Motors has a problem so dire;                          
Recalled eight million cars, faulty wire.                   
Sales of the Lincoln                                        
Are really sinkin'                                          
And even Gerald Ford caught on fire.                        
                                                            
67395 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Tom Patton          P9607



"I've a hot itchy nooky," Miss Wyke                         
Told the trucker she'd met on the pike.                     
"That's a shame," said the lout                             
"But you must point it out.                                 
Foreign cars to me all look alike."                         
                                                            
67396 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Bob Giandomenico    P8907



Dear Punkin, you just heard me bad:                         
An actress from "Cats" I once had.                          
I gave her great head,                                      
But what exactly I said:                                    
Was I once drove a hot Jaguar -- mad.                       
                                                            
67397 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Irish                    



A parking attendant named Bud                               
Spent his free time in pulling his pud                      
In an unoccupied Jag                                        
With a new girlie mag,                                      
Leaving the seats all covered with crud.                    
                                                            
67398 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Anon                     



I once had a car called a Kaiser                            
Which often went off like a geyser.                         
But my wife, 'twas a shame                                  
I could not do the same--                                   
But once in a while, I'd surprise her!                      
                                                            
67399 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Norm Storer         P9203



My next big sedan was a Fraser,                             
And it was a keen as a razor;                               
I got so inspired                                           
That I never got tired:                                     
My performance would truly amazer!                          
                                                            
67400 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Norm Storer         P9203



Italians love Paganini,                                     
Puccini and Signor Rossini;                                 
But lately I've found                                       
They're more thrilled by the sound                          
Of an expertly tuned Lamborghini.                           
                                                            
67401 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Ron Rubin                



The Discovery Award just may go                             
To fair Sandy from San Diego.                               
She's discovered that sex is                                
More fun in a Lexus --                                      
And today she's discovered she's prego!                     
                                                            
67402 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



He lacked "class", if you know what I mean.                 
His choices were cheap and obscene.                         
His home and his clothes                                    
Were the dregs, Heaven knows,                               
And his car? A limburgerzine!                               
                                                            
67403 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jane D. Hughes      P9203



A curious lady called Davis                                 
Used to make threatening phone calls to Avis.               
She'd pretend to be mad,                                    
And ask if they had                                         
Any cars called Lucinda or Mavis.                           
                                                            
67404 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Michael Palin            



A young fellow who drove a Mercedes,                        
Was a terrible lech with the ladies.                        
What with all his misleading,                               
He had raptures exceeding,                                  
But he died--and went straight down to Hades.               
                                                            
67405 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Isaac Asimov             



Historically, up through the eighties,                      
Doctor's Benzes would impress the ladies.                   
HMO rules absurd,                                           
Make docs envy the bird                                     
Which can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.               
                                                            
67406 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Res Ipsa                 



A man in a Mercedes-Benz                                    
Says he would just like to make friends                     
With some women's thighs,                                   
Though not of my size,                                      
So, I don't know what he intends.                           
                                                            
67407 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



Though a cheerful young swinger named Lucien                
Thinks sex is a grand institution.                          
When tired of young ladies,                                 
He gets in his Mercedes,                                    
And practices auto-pollution.                               
                                                            
67408 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Norm Storer              



When Rover and I drive the Benz,                            
He hangs out his tongue in the winds.                       
I tried it once, too,                                       
And as the air blew,                                        
I felt we were naught if not twins!                         
                                                            
67409 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



I once had a new MGB --                                     
But there's not enough room, you'll agree,                  
To maneuver one's dick                                      
So the damn shifter stick                                   
Went into her snatch 'stead of me.                          
                                                            
67410 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        John Miller              



If that weren't enough, that same night                     
We both got a terrible fright,                              
When her foot by mistake                                    
Came down on the brake                                      
And a cop came to check out the light.                      
                                                            
67411 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        John Miller              



"We're just making out, nothing bad.                        
Wouldn't you do the same as a lad?                          
He patted his gun,                                          
Suggesting I run.                                           
Turned out that the cop was her dad!                        
                                                            
67412 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        John Miller              



A person can rhyme Mitsubishi:                              
The secret ingredient's vichy-                              
Ssoise soup.  It's a cinch!                                 
(Of course, in a pinch,                                     
You can substitute something more quichey.)                 
                                                            
67413 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Brian Belge              



I worked once for that Mitsubishi;                          
I met there a gal who looked dishy.                         
But withdrawing the drawers                                 
Of the whore reavealed sores                                
And lesions; I've smelled none more fishy.                  
                                                            
67414 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Tiddy Ogg                



While driving my new Mitsubishi,                            
I waved at an old Maharishi.                                
But the Hindu, my word!                                     
Thought I gave him the bird,                                
And returned me the gesture in specie.                      
                                                            
67415 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Hugh Clary               



One can of course rhyme Mitsubishi                          
(Excuse me, I'm sneezing) with dishy;                       
Or Deborah's middle                                         
(When given a diddle)                                       
Exceedingly squishy and fishy.                              
                                                            
67416 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



A limericks writer named Bob                                
Had wished he could buy a new Saab,                         
But all he could get                                        
Was a rusty Chevette,                                       
Because writing's a low paying job.                         
                                                            
67417 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Cap'n Bean          P0303



For many miles my Volks did roam,                           
All covered with bright, shiny chrome.                      
The day that she died,                                      
I wept and I cried,                                         
Now she's parked at the old Volk's home.                    
                                                            
67418 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Lims For Year - 01       



In the back of my '65 Olds,                                 
Hoping we neither catch colds,                              
We strip down real quick,                                   
She sucks on my dick,                                       
While I hungrily lick her pink folds.                       
                                                            
67419 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



As slowly my story unfolds,                                 
I find I'm attracted to scolds,                             
For they usually succumb                                    
To a quart of cheap rum,                                    
And a ride in my '58 Olds.                                  
                                                            
67420 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Norm Storer         P9203



That rattletrap fucking Peugeot!                            
That's the fourth of its gaskets to blow!                   
With grapes French can cope;                                
With cars it's no soap;                                     
They should stick to Cointreau and Bordeaux!                
                                                            
67421 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



In Canada, Margaret Trudeau                                 
Went out with a dashing new beau.                           
It was not his physique                                     
That made her grow weak--                                   
But his high-powered purple Peugeot.                        
                                                            
67422 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Norm Storer         P9203



There once was a fellow named Hodges,                       
Who drove only Plymouths and Dodges.                        
They were somewhat passe                                    
On the Champs Elysee,                                       
But admired by Rotary lodges.                               
(Rotary - a luncheon club in the U.S.)                      
67423 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Stargazer                



Sports Cars thought the debate was over,                    
Until enters the big white Range Rover;                     
With a huge V8 roar                                         
And the slam of a door,                                     
One can drive from Brazil to Hannover.                      
                                                            
67424 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Revor                    



She isn't at all, an indecorous doll,                       
And she's too much alive to be bored.                       
She'll possibly park                                        
In the moonlight or dark,                                   
In the rear seat of your Ford.                              
                                                            
67425 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        VOL 5                    



Making love in a Austin's demanding.                        
And worse if you try it while standing.                     
For screwing, my choice                                     
Is a 4-door Rolls Royce,                                    
Though it adds to the cost of philandering.                 
                                                            
67426 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Theo Heller         P9203



There was an old fellow named Joe                           
Who had a Rolls-Royce now to show.                          
For so long he did strive                                   
So that he might arrive,                                    
Whereas now he had no place to go.                          
                                                            
67427 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Albin Chaplin            



"I promise I'll marry you, Joyce.                           
But please stay away from those boys.                       
I'll marry you soon,                                        
And we'll then honeymoon,                                   
If your dowry includes a Rolls Royce."                      
                                                            
67428 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Al Willis           P9711



An upper-class lady named Joyce                             
Rode around in a silver Rolls-Royce.                        
There were people about                                     
But she never looked out;                                   
Viewing commoners was just not her choice.                  
                                                            
67429 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Warrick Elrod            



He stands there, and calls for baksheesh,                   
With a mangy old dog on a leash.                            
And when day is o'er,                                       
He'll unlock the door                                       
And drive off in his Rolls Royce Corniche.                  
                                                            
67430 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Tiddy Ogg                



He stands on the corner to beg;                             
The poor guy ain't got but one leg.                         
For food he will work!                                      
At day's end the jerk                                       
Just pulls of and stows his fake peg.                       
                                                            
67431 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Marlene Lewis            



These Japanese cars are a crock.                            
You're better off going in hock                             
For the auto of choice,                                     
The Cornich, by Rolls Royce,                                
Where you just hear the "Twitch of your Cock."              
                                                            
67432 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Theo Heller         P9203



Bank Manager is such a snob                                 
(The car that he drives is a Saab).                         
Oh, yes, I do know                                          
He proclaims it so:                                         
His car license plate -- it reads "SNAAB"                   
                                                            
67433 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



I bought a restored Shelby Ford                             
I guess I just got really bored                             
With creeping all day                                       
In that fucking Hundai,                                     
So I floored that damn Ford and I soared!                   
                                                            
67434 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



I've a classic super-charged Studebaker;                    
She's kept factory true, I'm no faker.                      
Shirt-less men come to gawk                                 
At my Golden Hawk!                                          
Do you wonder now, just why I take her?                     
                                                            
67435 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED                                 



The Japanese care are economical.                           
All Yugoslavian cars are comical.                           
BMWs are smart.                                             
Renaults fall apart.                                        
Which make my Studebaker phenomical.                        
                                                            
67436 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Harry Rubin         P9203



A hotrod racer named Jake                                   
Undertook to overtake a Studebake.                          
But a truck on a curve                                      
Alas, did not swerve.                                       
Now Jake is overtook by the undertake.                      
                                                            
67437 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Donald Dow               



It was after the Second World War                           
That a guy said, "I'll build a new car."                    
Detroit said of Tucker,                                     
"That uppity fucker                                         
Must be stopped before he goes too far."                    
                                                            
67438 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9203



The stripper's pet Boa constrictor                          
Would purr like a cat as it licked her.                     
It once bit her fan                                         
And an innocent man,                                        
In the back of an old Vauxhall Victor.                      
                                                            
67439 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Bill Wall                



With pride my new beau was aglow,                           
With purchase of his new Volvo.                             
He called it his "Vulva"                                    
Which pissed off his mama,                                  
But which got my juices to flow.                            
                                                            
67440 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Jim Weaver Collection    



The Volvo wagon's seats do fold,                            
Minimizing the strain on joints old;                        
There's chance of friggin'                                  
There in the riggin',                                       
Though I fear my partner's not sold.                        
                                                            
67441 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        Daniel Ford              



A young biology teacher, Miss Teal,                         
Fired questions at pupils with zeal.                        
"Do girls have a willy?"                                    
"No, a vulva," said Billy.                                  
"It's named for an automobile!"                             
                                                            
67442 VEHICLES - CARS - NAMED        H Myers            TP9802



"In Texas our ranch runs quite far,                         
And I'll bet you a fancy cigar,                             
I can drive for twelve hours                                
And that land is still ours."                               
And I said, "I once had such a car."                        
                                                            
67443 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Al Willis                



A woman who called herself Dottie                           
Got a ride in a classic Bugatti,                            
'Till the driver, Sir Dar,                                  
Threw her out of his car,                                   
When she started to go to the potty.                        
                                                            
67444 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Cap'n Bean          P0402



The previous owners are they                                
Who owned the car I bought today,                           
The meter of which                                          
Has a reversal switch.                                      
Their burial fee I'll defray.                               
                                                            
67445 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Irving Superior     P9311



With his car in repair, Mr. Stoner                          
Had been driving around an old loner;                       
The thing was a fright,                                     
But it shook him just right,                                
And it gave him a sizable boner.                            
                                                            
67446 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Cap'n Bean          P0308



There was an old man of Belle River                         
Who rode in an old-fashioned flivver.                       
But to crank it took force                                  
So he purchased a horse,                                    
And it wan't so hard on his liver.                          
                                                            
67447 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Albin Chaplin   3024-2442



At his age, he now wants a used car,                        
Which is asking for trouble, by far.                        
Gigantic tires                                              
And amplifiers,                                             
No windows, doors always ajar.                              
                                                            
67448 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Annie Jay                



In Model T days farmer Prout                                
Kept a sticky mudhole on the route                          
Between Springfield and Ware                                
And made more than his share,                               
By towing stuck motorists out.                              
                                                            
67449 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          A. N. Wilkins       P8701



Henry Ford drove out in his fliver                          
'Til he came to the banks of a river.                       
Then Ford in his Ford                                       
Found a ford he could ford,                                 
And Ford crossed with nary a quiver.                        
                                                            
67450 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Thomas A Ratliff    P0305



There was a young man named Izzy,                           
Who bought an old beat-up Tin Lizzie.                       
The car struck a cow                                        
And it will not go now,                                     
And it made the cow's milk turn all fizzy.                  
                                                            
67451 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Reminisce           P9310



An auto mechanic named Hank                                 
Had to start his old car with a crank.                      
A mild curse and a whack                                    
Damaged his lower back;                                     
To push was like pushing a tank.                            
                                                            
67452 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Arthur Pattaffy          



When it quit in a back country spot,                        
The garageman we finally got                                
Observed with some force,                                   
"If this was a horse,                                       
In this fix, it'd have to be shot."                         
                                                            
67453 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          A. N. Wilkins       P8709



I know of one amorous putz                                  
Who'd screw his best girl in his Stutz;                     
He employed the rear seat                                   
To have room for his feet,                                  
His head, plus her boobs, and their butts.                  
                                                            
67454 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Armand Singer       P2006



There once was a man named Steve                            
Who over a dead car did grieve.                             
So much gas did it guzzle,                                  
It's really a puzzle                                        
Why its loss to Steve's a peeve.                            
                                                            
67455 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Chris Anderson           



A gent drove from Boston, MA,                               
In an auto that could hardly PA.                            
As it strained up a hill,                                   
He stopped dead and still,                                  
As if he had run out of GA.                                 
                                                            
67456 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD                                   



I drive much too fast and too few                           
Miles, but I like my cars new.                              
'Cause I don't like to think                                
What is that stink                                          
From a previous owner's spew.                               
                                                            
67457 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Karen                    



But I drive them for years and years                        
And I do have some growing fears,                           
That Nicky did get                                          
My old piece of shit,                                       
In which I drank too many beers.                            
                                                            
67458 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Karen                    



A Don Juan once purchased a Ford                            
And bragged that he frequently scored,                      
But whom could he lay                                       
In an old Model A --                                        
A crate even whores have abhorred?                          
                                                            
67459 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Norm Storer         P9203



My jalopy -- I couldn't be prouder,                         
So I took it to repair at Al Howder.                        
He said, "The brakes are kaput --                           
Cost an arm and a foot --                                   
So instead, I have made your horn louder.                   
                                                            
67460 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          H Myers            TP9804



My car -- an older edition --                               
Started leaking without my permission.                      
It was always at night                                      
And the fluid was white.                                    
Diagnosis: nocturnal emission.                              
                                                            
67461 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Jim Weaver Collection    



If you have got an old wreck,                               
I do hope you paid with a check.                            
Driving like Nigel Mansel,                                  
You may want to cancel,                                     
Before you end breaking your neck.                          
                                                            
67462 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Bob Mornington           



A silly old man of Nantucket                                
Withdrew all the cash from his bucket,                      
And spent every cent                                        
For a clunker that went:                                    
"Ta-pucketa-pucketa-pucket."                                
                                                            
67463 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Cybergeezer              



The good old days -- the rumble seat                        
With sex an acrobatic feat.                                 
And as you hump                                             
A sudden bump                                               
May make re-entry incomplete. (Makes you rhythm miss a beat)
(May dump you into the street).                             
67464 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Irving Superior     P9203



Her guy was a romantic dreamer.                             
His ears would spout steam when he'd ream her.              
She called him "Hot Stanley"                                
And thought him so manly                                    
He was known as the first Stanley Steamer.                  
                                                            
67465 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Theo Heller         P9203



When out in my old Stanley Steamer,                         
My girl was a sexual schemer.                               
When the boiler got hot,                                    
She would play with her twat--                              
Till I could pull over and cream her.                       
                                                            
67466 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Norm Storer         P9203



I knew an old lady from Ghent,                              
Who worried about money she spent.                          
One day in a tizzy,                                         
She bought a Tin Lizzie,                                    
With bumpers all battered and bent.                         
                                                            
67467 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD                                   



A simple mechanic named Giles                               
Succumbed to a young lady's wiles.                          
Though her chassis looked fair,                             
It showed signs of great wear --                            
It was driven for too many miles.                           
                                                            
67468 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Albin Chaplin   3024-0168



I'm so ticked off I can hardly speak,                       
'Cause my car has a bad oil leak --                         
And I'm sure you can guess                                  
The cause of my distress --                                 
The warranty expired last week!                             
                                                            
67469 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD                                   



When a Prussian car can't go vroom                          
And is scheduled to meet final doom,                        
It's much worse than that                                   
If the tires are flat;                                      
It ends up in a Junkers wreck room.                         
                                                            
67470 VEHICLES - CARS - OLD          Tom Patton          P0007



A baron, Sir Percival Wentley,                              
He screwed with his mistress so gently,                     
As his chauffer looked on,                                  
In a park in Ceylon,                                        
In the back of his '52 Bentley.                             
                                                            
67471 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Cap'n Bean          P0306



"Since sex," said a fellow named Barr,                      
"Is a driving force, it seems bizarre,                      
With this fast-moving breed                                 
Which worships pure speed,                                  
That so much takes place in a parked car."                  
                                                            
67472 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     A. N. Wilkins       P8511



After driving across half the state,                        
Kate had a big bang on a date...                            
She sighed, "I don't fail                                   
To enjoy a guy's tail,                                      
But after coming, it's the going, I hate!"                  
                                                            
67473 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Grand Prix Lim  682      



There was a young husband named Dan                         
Who bought his dear wife a new van,                         
And they often would park                                   
In the lane after dark.                                     
What a truly romantic young man!                            
                                                            
67474 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



A maiden not lacking in pride                               
Went out with her beau for a ride.                          
She said, "Tell me, Joe,                                    
How far do you go?"                                         
"As far as you'll let me," he cried.                        
                                                            
67475 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Cliff Scheiner      P9409



There once was a friendly neurotic,                         
Whose tastes were a little exotic.                          
Though rather bizarre,                                      
He made love to his car;                                    
One might say he was auto-erotic.                           
                                                            
67476 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Lims Naughty and Gay     



This guy who loved cars, much the best,                     
Searched parking lots, streets and the rest.                
He thought if he'd lay                                      
A hot Chevrolet,                                            
Then his life would truely be blessed.                      
                                                            
67477 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Lims Naughty and Gay     



Thoughts of trysts that are BUCOLIC,                        
May be ruined by eating garlic.                             
Forget the back seat,                                       
Just remain in heat,                                        
Then cool with a treat alcoholic.                           
                                                            
67478 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Jack Franklin            



A mistake, but far from my worst;                           
It was Henry's unquenchable thirst                          
For more, better, faster,                                   
That got the old bastard                                    
To perfect the assembly line first.                         
                                                            
67479 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



So everyone rides in a car;                                 
Faster and ever so far.                                     
And now the back seat                                       
Is surely the treat,                                        
Of the world's young lovers', har har!                      
                                                            
67480 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



Some social indiscretions are                               
Both occupants -- back seat of car;                         
Thefts from five and ten;                                   
Window peeping men;                                         
The hayloft and your first cigar.                           
                                                            
67481 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Irving Superior     P9804



The cab driver, Billy, was cunning;                         
His line with the ladies was stunning.                      
Every gal fare he'd meet,                                   
He'd screw on the back seat,                                
And always left the meter running.                          
                                                            
67482 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



"My wife would great pleasure derive                        
Making love in our auto," said Clive.                       
"She says it's such a treat,                                
Balling in the back seat.                                   
Problem is, she expects me to drive."                       
                                                            
67483 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Bob Giandomenico    P9203



It's a matter to take time to muse on,                      
That dollies who diddle in Tucson                           
Prefer it in beds...                                        
For the whim's in their heads,                              
It's more fun than in cars with their shoes on!             
                                                            
67484 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Grand Prix Lim  909      



A genial new bride in Bryn Mawr                             
Averred, "Sex in a bed is by far                            
Ahead of back alleys,                                       
Wet haystacks in valleys.                                   
And almost as good as a car..."                             
                                                            
67485 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Grand Prix Lim  656      



A cousin who lives in Schenectady,                          
Figures rather dejectedly,                                  
That a girl with her feet                                   
In the passenger seat,                                      
Is worth two in the city directory.                         
                                                            
67486 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     VOL6                     



A provoking young girl from Bryn Mawr,                      
When seduced in the back of a car,                          
To a gentleman said,                                        
"It's not much as a bed,                                    
But it's better than standing, by far."                     
                                                            
67487 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Keith MacMillan     A101B



She lost cash when she bought above par;                    
She lost cases she tried at the bar;                        
But she'll frankly admit                                    
She enjoyed losing IT                                       
In the bumpy back seat of a car.                            
                                                            
67488 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Evelyn Bogen        P9701



"Let's make love here in your Ferrari,"                     
Said Fred to his girl who said, "Sorry,                     
I will fuck today                                           
My gearshift named "Ray"                                    
Then suck the chrome off my hitch "Maury."                  
                                                            
67489 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



There was a hot rodder named Dutch                          
Who steered his way to his girl's hutch.                    
But he said to her, "Dear,                                  
I can't get into gear                                       
For it seems I can't break from your clutch."               
                                                            
67490 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-0126



On the car seat my son left a stain,                        
Which I didn't ask him to explain.                          
But it makes me feel proud.                                 
(Though it must be allowed                                  
HER dad would've viewed it with pain).                      
                                                            
67491 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     John Miller 0324         



Male Chauvinist Pig? Yes, I am;                             
Claiming anything else would be sham.                       
Girls should be chaste                                      
For boys, that's a waste,                                   
And frankly, I don't give a damn.                           
                                                            
67492 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     John Miller 0324a        



As a father of girls I did fear                             
The same thing that has happened here.                      
He just might have scored                                   
With condom ignored.                                        
You might be a granddad next year.                          
                                                            
67493 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Frank Fazed              



Not only that, if you please,                               
There's something that's called a disease.                  
If you don't take care                                      
And leave your pecker bare,                                 
Who knows what will happen, "Oh Jeeze!"                     
                                                            
67494 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Arden                    



How often it's firmly been said                             
That love should be made in a bed;                          
This leaves me bereaved,                                    
For I was conceived                                         
In the back of a pickup instead.                            
                                                            
67495 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



Junior's sex in my auto must stop.                          
Or my son must locate a new prop.                           
It is a convertible,                                        
And what's disconcertible                                   
Are the high-heel holes thrust through the top.             
                                                            
67496 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                         G0192



She said to her boyfriend, "Good Lord!                      
It's one thing to screw in a Ford.                          
But not in a race                                           
With six cops giving chase,                                 
And us out on this thin running-board.                      
                                                            
67497 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Theo Heller         P9203



I can't carry a tune in a bucket,                           
So a duet we will have to forget.                           
Don't ask me to sing;                                       
I just want a quick fling;                                  
Let's try having sex in your 'vette.                        
                                                            
67498 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



An eager young hot-rod named Shifty,                        
Said "Dear, I've a new way that's nifty!"                   
With one hand on the wheel                                  
And the gas with his heel,                                  
He then had her while cruising at fifty.                    
                                                            
67499 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin            



I Love my Impala, a Chevy,                                  
For picking up girls, a pert bevy.                          
We get fuckin' ripped,                                      
Before we get stripped,                                     
Then I screw 'em all down by the levee.                     
                                                            
67500 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



At the drive-in, our blues we will cure;                    
Me and Sweetie will do the Grand Tour;                      
For refreshment, know what?                                 
Got a cooler here but,                                      
Seven-up's kept at room tem-per-chur!                       
                                                            
67501 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



We'll pretend to watch part of the flick;                   
Things will get out of hand, pretty quick!                  
I'll go down; hear her squeal!                              
(What a taste, near a meal!)                                
I'll run out of new items to lick!                          
                                                            
67502 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



With her feet on the dash, she says: "Would                 
You push Big Boy right in where you should?"                
Here I go; hear things squeak!                              
It's a tight fit, won't leak!                               
This here scene, folks, sure beats Hollywood!               
                                                            
67503 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



As we rock, the car springs squeak like hell;               
This ol' Chevvy sure bounces real swell;                    
Now, together we lunge;                                     
Here's the climactic plunge!                                
With the windshield steamed up for a spell!                 
                                                            
67504 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



A result of the Passion-Pit play:                           
Musk in seats and head-liner will stay;                     
Monday morn, the car pool's                                 
Caught that scent, (they're no fools)                       
Of a bitch-in-heat's pungent bouquet!                       
                                                            
67505 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



The difference 'tween woman and man,                        
When choosing a car, truck or van,                          
Men see as extention                                        
Of his manhood's dimension!                                 
For that, he'll do anything he can!                         
                                                            
67506 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



If I understand, what you mean is:                          
Man relates his car to his penis?                           
In that case I'd say                                        
We would not want to play                                   
If his car is of the compact genus.                         
                                                            
67507 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



I went out with a girl who was tall;                        
On the hood of my car we would ball.                        
I'd bend her right over                                     
And enter the clover                                        
And I would feel nothing at all.                            
                                                            
67508 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Dudeshead                



Had a date in the folk's Chevrolet;                         
They found footprints which faced the wrong way.            
"Through the window in back,                                
I just looked, keeping track;                               
Hoping no one was coming our way!"                          
                                                            
67509 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Allen Wolverton          



Your busted, there's no use concealing;                     
Your night in the car was revealing.                        
High heels and a dog,                                       
Golf shoes and a hog,                                       
Their footprints were all on the ceiling.                   
                                                            
67510 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     CM                       



I admit that her heels marked the ceiling.                  
The seats got quite wet, I'm revealing!                     
'Twern't no hog on the scene;                               
Just Old Blue licked her clean!                             
Had her grunting and snorting and squealing!                
                                                            
67511 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Allen Wolverton          



My secondhand Jag has panache;                              
It has not been involved in a crash;                        
It could only improve                                       
If I could remove                                           
The footprints that mess up the dash.                       
                                                            
67512 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Ann Gasser          P9311



A middle-aged chaser named Parr                             
Propositioned a wench in a bar.                             
When she mentioned "Hotel,"                                 
He replied, "What the Hell?                                 
You can take all I've got in my car."                       
                                                            
67513 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Grand Prix Lim   98      



I once reached a wonderful bliss                            
In the back of my car with my Miss.                         
What truly did thrill                                       
And completely fulfill,                                     
Came a half hour after the kiss.                            
                                                            
67514 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     CM                       



Get off of that gear-shift, my dear;                        
There's a dangerous bend around here.                       
I need to change down                                       
Into third around town.                                     
How the hell do you want me to steer?                       
                                                            
67515 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Peter Wilkins            



A hillbillie way down in Texas                              
Was last seen out driving a Lexus.                          
She said, "Got it last night                                
From a cowboy who likes                                     
The way my hard body flexes!"                               
                                                            
67516 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Possum                   



Young cab-driver Joe loved vehicular                        
Activities extra-curricular.                                
Because of the throb                                        
Of the engine, his knob                                     
Stood one-eighty degrees perpendicular.                     
                                                            
67517 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Peter Wilkins            



He did not go very far                                      
Last night with her in the car.                             
He stopped to unzip                                         
And helped her to strip,                                    
And then he went further by far!                            
                                                            
67518 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Fstringe            T9707



The back seat a wonderful place,                            
Where passionate couples embrace.                           
Then two become one                                         
And hit a home run.                                         
A hummer will get you third base.                           
                                                            
67519 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Randog                   



A Hummer might get you some heavy,                          
Hot, passionate sex from a bevy                             
Of whores on a Friday.                                      
But way back in my day,                                     
The windows fogged up on my Chevy.                          
                                                            
67520 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Travis Brasell           



Voulez vous couchez avec moi c'est soir?                    
Or would you prefer to visit a bar?                         
I cannot refrain;                                           
Don't drive me insane;                                      
Let's share passion in the back of your car.                
                                                            
67521 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Jayne                    



You'll never know how good you are                          
Till you try to make love in a car.                         
Many a man meets defeat                                     
On a darkened back seat;                                    
It's only the experts break par.                            
                                                            
67522 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Grand Prix Lim  805 G0008



A taxicab whore out at Iver,                                
Would do a round trip for a fiver;                          
Quite reqasonable, too,                                     
For a sightsee, a screw,                                    
And a ten-shilling tip for the driver.                      
                                                            
67523 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Victor Gray              



The newlywed man of Hoboken                                 
At first thought his darling was jokin'.                    
She withdrew, not to bed,                                   
But the auto instead,                                       
For the poor dear had not been housebroken.                 
                                                            
67524 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-0196



My dear, we must be discreet                                
While we play in the taxi backseat.                         
The driver might see                                        
Or run into a tree,                                         
From watching and beating his meat.                         
                                                            
67525 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Kaylin Brandon           



Our passions must be held in check,                         
Till we find a place better to neck.                        
If would be pathetic                                        
If we got too athletic                                      
And caused the cab driver to wreck!                         
                                                            
67526 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Kaylin Brandon           



If need be, I'll act like a saint                           
And mouth little sayings quite quaint.                      
The driver'd not see                                        
You fondling me                                             
All the while as I tickle your "'taint".                    
                                                            
67527 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Frank Fazed              



Miss Goodwrench may have some high fees,                    
But her skill with my motor does please;                    
Increased bore and stroke,                                  
Lubed throttle and choke,                                   
And my piston pumps smooth with her grease.                 
                                                            
67528 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



My knuckles went on the wheel;                              
I gripped it like clamps of steel.                          
As I drove down the road,                                   
I sprayed my payload                                        
Right into the mouth of Lucille.                            
                                                            
67529 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



An impatient French buck from the Loire,                    
Screwed his girl driving through the boise.                 
The violation was moving;                                   
With no one approving,                                      
He could have easily smashed up his car.                    
                                                            
67530 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Armand E Singer       358



Her buttocks had started to chafe                           
In back of the car with young Shafe.                        
It did bruise and abrade her,                               
And when this got to Nader                                  
He declared all those models unsafe.                        
                                                            
67531 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-0079



In his car, a young lad of Purdue                           
A romance with his girl did pursue.                         
He said, "Jump in the back."                                
She replied, "No sir, Jack,                                 
I would rather stay up front with you."                     
                                                            
67532 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-0303



Said a voice from the back of the car                       
"Young man, I don't know who you are,                       
But allow me to state,                                      
Though it may come too late,                                
I had not meant to go quite this far."                      
                                                            
67533 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Linda Marsh Coll         



Seat belts are great in a wreck,                            
But they sure make it harder to neck.                       
Buzzered then belted,                                       
No gal's ever melted.                                       
The best that you get is a peck.                            
                                                            
67534 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     VOL 7                    



A peck you said?  On the M1?                                
Or perhaps Chesterfield on the run;                         
Or her hand down his pants                                  
Through the whole of Northants,                             
Caused this pile-up right down to Luton.                    
                                                            
67535 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Foreplay from the M62                                       
Down to Barnsley just really won't do!                      
She was in clover                                           
As he passed Bolsover;                                      
But by Shepshed, I heard they were through!                 
                                                            
67536 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Jim Weaver Collection    



Limericks are a mental distraction                          
My mind is often missing in action                          
A car on the freeway:                                       
No attention leeway!                                        
That's how I ended up in traction.                          
                                                            
67537 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Marlene                  



Out of gas with my car; this was true,                      
When he tried to seduce Betty Sue.                          
When she finally said yes,                                  
I bet you can guess;                                        
Old Bernie was out of gas too.                              
                                                            
67538 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Shelby Forrest           



I had plenty of gas way back then,                          
And I felt like a man among men.                            
Things are different today,                                 
If I acted that way,                                        
I'd most likely end up in the pen!                          
                                                            
67539 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Shelby Forrest           



The was never a gal "Betty Sue"!                            
But today we all know what she'd do.                        
I'd bet you a buck,                                         
It would just be my luck                                    
That today you would see Betty SUE!                         
                                                            
67540 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Shelby Forrest           



Her new boyfriend came after dark,                          
And found him a garage to park,                             
Or that's what he thought;                                  
'Twas none of the sort.                                     
That space ain't to park but to fark.                       
                                                            
67541 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



A limousine driver named Hays                               
Was known for his tolerant ways;                            
With a party of five,                                       
In the rear, he would drive                                 
Until all had completed their lays.                         
                                                            
67542 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Norm Storer         P0012



The only 'pit' that I'll be in                              
Is your deep, wet vertical grin.                            
I'll take your tight curves                                 
With your bumps and tail swerves,                           
And then take them over again.                              
                                                            
67543 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



The others will never see us,                               
As we blaze full speed in our lust.                         
Won't take a pit stop                                       
'Til we're ready to drop.                                   
We'll refuel and they'll eat our dust                       
                                                            
67544 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



For ages young men had to face                              
The question of where to embrace                            
The girl in seclusion,                                      
So there'd be no intrusion.                                 
The auto provided the place.                                
                                                            
67545 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     A. N. Wilkins       P9203



Reminisced an old rounder named Levy,                       
'Bout his many amours hot and heavy;                        
When asked, "Which was best?"                               
"As for sex," he confessed,                                 
"'Twas the cramped rumble seat of my Chevy."                
                                                            
67546 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Armand Singer       P0307



Reminisced an old rounder named Lord                        
'Bout his many amours hot and torrid;                       
When asked, "Which was best?"                               
"As for sex," he confessed,                                 
"'Twas the cramped rumble seat of my Cord."                 
                                                            
67547 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Arthur Deex         P0307



Reminisced an old rounder named Joe                         
'Bout his many amours long ago;                             
When asked, "Which was best?"                               
"As for sex," he confessed,                                 
"'Twas the rumble seat of my Renault."                      
                                                            
67548 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Arthur Deex         P0307



A mechanic by his own admission                             
Had revved up his sluggish ignition                         
For a moment quite fleet                                    
In a patron's back seat,                                    
And brought to fruition, coition.                           
                                                            
67549 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Jane D. Hughes      P9006



The driver was a free spirited medium,                      
And her rider a long winded comedian.                       
Foreseeing a stick                                          
As long as his schtick,                                     
She pulled over and screwed on the median.                  
                                                            
67550 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Greg Schindler      P8812



There was a young fellow named Gord                         
Who diddled his girl in his Ford.                           
Though he managed her neat                                  
In the front and back seat,                                 
She claims to this day she was bored.                       
                                                            
67551 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-0701



"I don't have the fare," said Miss Waller,                  
To the cabbie, "I've only a dollar.                         
But to pay for the ride                                     
Here, I'll spread my legs wide."                            
Said he, "Don't you have something smaller?"                
                                                            
67552 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Bob Giandomenico    P9203



Truth to tell, as a stud, I'm a star;                       
I've had sex in twelve countries, so far;                   
But the view was the same                                   
Every time that I came                                      
In the spacious back seat of Dad's car!                     
                                                            
67553 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Mark Levy           P9702



When you drive, show your dick to your date.                
As you steer tell her to masturbate                         
You to full erection,                                       
'Til your load needs ejection;                              
Come for miles down the long Interstate.                    
                                                            
67554 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



Then because she has been more than sweet,                  
You will dive to her pussy and eat,                         
Lick her clit 'til she cums                                 
While the old motor hums,                                   
But make sure that you steer with your feet.                
                                                            
67555 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



Steering with your feet's kinda tricky,                     
While you are giving her a licky.                           
Switch places instead,                                      
Then bury your head,                                        
In her lap while she drives the ve-hickie.                  
                                                            
67556 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



Did what you said -- kinda neat!                            
And I must say it was a great feat.                         
Did it right, so I thought;                                 
Licked her clit, like I ought,                              
But next time she'll sit in the front seat!                 
                                                            
67557 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



I've had many beautiful chicks                              
In my white Cavalier '86.                                   
Near the end of a journey,                                  
The broads got so horny,                                    
They begged always for a quick fix.                         
                                                            
67558 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING                              



An amorous tourist from Fargo                               
Picked up a hitchhiker for cargo.                           
At twenty a lay,                                            
The wretch had his way,                                     
And screwed her clear down to Key Largo.                    
                                                            
67559 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Armand E Singer       344



There was a young girl from Trebarwith,                     
Whom a cad in a car went too far with,                      
Which disproves a report                                    
That she wasn't the sort                                    
For going too far in a car with.                            
                                                            
67560 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     R J P Hewison            



While driving, a lady named Brinker                         
Had turned on her left turning blinker,                     
But she waited so long                                      
That a man from Hong Kong                                   
Fucked her once and then called her a stinker.              
                                                            
67561 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Albin Chaplin   3024-0062



A slick auto salesman named Slade                           
Gloated over a deal he'd just made.                         
"This new car for my wife,                                  
Should improve my love life,                                
And it's not, I might add, a bad trade."                    
                                                            
67562 VEHICLES - CARS - SCREWING     Bob Giandomenico    P9203



Your phobia's really bizarre...                             
Result of an old psychic scar?                              
Reconsider the Spyder!                                      
Please be a rider                                           
In my Alfa Romeo sports car!!                               
                                                            
67563 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



There was a young lady from Boston,                         
Who thought she was raped in an Austin,                     
But the truth is, my dears,                                 
She sat on the gears,                                       
And a traffic cop kicked the exhaust in.                    
                                                            
67564 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                            G0533



My cousin, Joe Flynn, who's from Boston,                    
Went out in his little gray Austin.                         
He started to swerve,                                       
Then flew off a curve,                                      
And a mountain of snow he was lost in.                      
                                                            
67565 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Monique de Plume         



There was a young man from Boston,                          
Who rode around in an Austin.                               
There was room for his ass,                                 
And a gallon of gas,                                        
But his balls hung out, and he lost 'em.                    
                                                            
67566 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                            L1137



The scrotum of L. Cabot Ralls                               
Lost near one of the large shopping malls                   
In the suburbs of Boston,                                   
While he drove his Austin.                                  
Reward for return of his balls.                             
                                                            
67567 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        A. N. Wilkins       P8703



Poor Patrick thought nothing was neater                     
Than driving a tiny two-seater--                            
But it wasn't an Austin,                                    
He wasn't in Boston,                                        
And he lost not just balls but his peter!                   
                                                            
67568 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Norm Storer         P9203



Said a man whose home town was in Boston,                   
When he drove to Texas in his Austin,                       
"My next drive to Texas                                     
Will be in a Lexus.                                         
In an Austin it's much too exhaustin'."                     
                                                            
67569 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Tom Patton          P0209



He went for a ride with Miss Nealy,                         
In her new '62 Austin-Healey;                               
But she gave him a clout,                                   
And she kicked him right out,                               
When he reached out to cop him a feely.                     
                                                            
67570 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Cap'n Bean          P9809



A horny young lady was Babbitt;                             
To fuck in a car was her habit.                             
On the banks of Euphrates,                                  
She tried the Mercedes.                                     
"It is better," she said, "in a Rabbit."                    
                                                            
67571 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-0032



GM and Toyota, I'll bet,                                    
When they join Chevrolet and Chevette                       
With the hybrid Jap car,                                    
Will not go so far                                          
As to call the new model "Toylette."                        
                                                            
67572 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        A. N. Wilkins       P8407



A frustrated man was McNair;                                
He could not get into his Corvair.                          
But he managed to squeeze                                   
In with relative ease,                                      
After lining the doorway with hair.                         
                                                            
67573 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-2189



A German consultant named Moon                              
Signed a deal for a car name at noon.                       
Client phoned the next day,                                 
"Need the name right away."                                 
"Oh really," he said, "Dat Soon."                           
                                                            
67574 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Henry Mucha              



There was a young fellow named Watson                       
Who tried to make love in a Datsun.                         
Said his dad, "It's no shame                                
If you forfeit the game,                                    
It just matters how well you have fought, son."             
                                                            
67575 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-0776



An incestuous fellow was Watson;                            
He tackled his aunt in a Datsun.                            
For an hour he strained                                     
Then his auntie complained,                                 
"I'm afraid that you're in the wrong slot, son."            
                                                            
67576 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-0775



There was a young fellow named Watson                       
Who buggered his girl in a Datsun,                          
But he lost this mad scramble                               
And his car was a shamble,                                  
And his epitaph said "Well You've Fought, Son."             
                                                            
67577 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-0957



DeLorean said, "It is great!                                
Iacoca and I will soon mate                                 
To make cars that are classy--                              
Lee does the chassis                                        
And I'll make the license plate."                           
                                                            
67578 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Arthur Deex         P9112



While out on a date in his Fiat,                            
The man exclaimed, "Where's my key at?"                     
As he bent down to seek,                                    
She let out a shriek:                                       
That's not where it's likely to be at."                     
                                                            
67579 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



I once owned a Fiat 126;                                    
Into the smallest places it fits.                           
On day trips I'd go                                         
In rain, sleet, and snow,                                   
But sadly, it now lays in bits.                             
                                                            
67580 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Funny Bone               



You have given me cause to ponder,                          
Sex in the Prelude from Honda.                              
Big lasses cause tension                                    
And damage the suspension,                                  
So try shagging a midget called Wanda                       
                                                            
67581 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



What a coincidence! Hue                                     
Of my little Honda is blue!                                 
The thing to be said is:                                    
"It ain't a Mercedes,                                       
But it runs and it carries the crew."                       
                                                            
67582 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Nik Synytskyy            



High on Viagra in Bude,                                     
Is not something well understood.                           
But a man here in Leeds                                     
Likes to broadcast his seeds,                               
In the back of his Honda Prelude                            
                                                            
67583 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



A Jeep was the first car I knew.                            
Remembering...the year, '42...                              
The Second World War...                                     
My body...no flaw..                                         
My eyes are now shifting to dew.                            
                                                            
67584 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Irving Superior     P9203



They sat in his little old Lloyd,                           
Frustrated, hot and annoyed.                                
But enough of palaver,                                      
He attempted to have 'er,                                   
And the car was entirely destroyed.                         
                                                            
67585 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



Making love in my little MG                                 
Took a turn for the worse after she                         
Cried out, "Give me more!"                                  
I replied from the floor,                                   
"Foolish girl, that's the gearshift, not me!"               
                                                            
67586 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



I once purchased a brand new MG                             
Which ran idiosyncratically,                                
And its troublesome clutch                                  
Made me swear overmuch,                                     
So its theft was a blessing to me.                          
                                                            
67587 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9203



Young people are probably bored,                            
When we pour out the memories we've stored.                 
But we're glad, for their sake,                             
They never did take,                                        
Long trips in a Model T Ford!                               
                                                            
67588 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        T G Culwel          P9208



There was a young fellow named Dorgan,                      
Who tried to make love in his Morgan.                       
The result of this madness                                  
Was to view with great sadness,                             
The decline and the fall of his organ.                      
                                                            
67589 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-0682



A careless young fellow named Boris                         
Tried diddling his girl in his Morris,                      
But the facts we compile                                    
Were his car had a smile                                    
And he never got near her clitoris.                         
                                                            
67590 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-0654



"Tis my custom," said dear Lady Norris,                     
"To beg lifts from the drivers of lorries.                  
When they get out to piss,                                  
I see things I miss,                                        
At the wheel of my two-seater Morris."                      
                                                            
67591 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                            L0760



"It's my custom," said a driver of lorries,                 
"To refuse to pick up Lady Norris --                        
It's not that I care                                        
If she sees pubic hair                                      
But camcording my thing's indecorous."                      
                                                            
67592 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Arthur Deex         P8905



Said a man of his small Morris Minor,                       
"For petting, it couldn't be finer.                         
But for love's consummation,                                
A wagon called station                                      
Would offer a playground diviner."                          
                                                            
67593 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



The cow left me all the best china;                         
It's bone and there is one thing finer:                     
It's stroking the leather                                   
(Now sat on by Heather)                                     
Upholstered V8 Morris Minor.                                
                                                            
67594 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        S&M                      



There was a young fellow named Hambler                      
Who tackled a girl in his Rambler.                          
Just when things looked much brighter,                      
He got fucked by the lighter,                               
But Hambler, of course, was a gambler.                      
                                                            
67595 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-0707



Small little cars crawl up the street;                      
Pint-sized people drive with their feet.                    
The cops get so vexed;                                      
No wonder they're wrecks.                                   
Driving with your hands can't be beat!                      
                                                            
67596 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Marlene                  



I've done it -- I've ruined my budget!                      
I tried to resist, but, Oh fudge it!                        
I sure ain't a loser                                        
In my new P.T. Cruiser.                                     
Now stand back you people, don't smudge it!                 
                                                            
67597 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Liam na Beag             



I'll bet your new Cruiser is fine.                          
It must be much better than mine;                           
I thought about trading                                     
'Cause it's so degrading                                    
To drive my old PT-109.                                     
                                                            
67598 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Travis Brasell           



Joe'd open the door to his Porsche;                         
The babes'd go ballistic, of course.                        
It suggested amour                                          
And reactions impure --                                     
No need for resorting to force.                             
                                                            
67599 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Armand E Singer     P9911



In L.A. the land of show biz,                               
A license plate on a Porsche said this:                     
(It was red, like a flame,                                  
And driven by a dame.)                                      
The plate simply said, "WAS HIS"!                           
                                                            
67600 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Kaylin                   



MAROON MG, most splendid sight,                             
Buffed up and shining in sunlight;                          
Favored color hue                                           
Antique vintage true,                                       
Glorious ride welcomed with delight.                        
                                                            
67601 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Nancy                    



The car is finally found;                                   
Into a Saturn I'm bound.                                    
Of Lilac Pearl                                              
I'll go for a whirl;                                        
All the guys on the road I'll astound.                      
                                                            
67602 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Azul                     



What a blast to drive all about,                            
In a sports car, racing flat out!                           
But low gravity center                                      
Became my tormenter,                                        
When I tried to, but couldn't get out.                      
                                                            
67603 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Ericka                   



The lust of a young buck                                    
Is to get a fast sports car with luck,                      
Because young men suppose                                   
That the vehicle shows                                      
The world that they know how to fuck.                       
                                                            
67604 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        A. N. Wilkins       P9203



My car is an open two-seater.                               
I have never once used the heater.                          
As for a BROUGHAM,                                          
It feels like a tomb.                                       
That a spyder, nothing is neater.                           
                                                            
67605 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Norm                     



I got a new neighbor named Candy;                           
She really is quite fine and dandy.                         
Her guy drives a Corvette,                                  
For which he's in debt,                                     
And all that I want is a handy.                             
                                                            
67606 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Enema Bandit             



I have a new neighbor named Randy,                          
Who really is quite fine and dandy.                         
He drives a Chevette,                                       
So he's not in debt,                                        
And gives me much more than an handy.                       
                                                            
67607 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Carol                    



My friend drives a Robin Reliant,                           
When searching for girls who're compliant.                  
They say "Fuck off, brat,                                   
I'm not going in that!"                                     
And storm off in a manner defiant.                          
                                                            
67608 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Tiddy Ogg                



There was an old man from Zumbrota                          
Who hollered he had reached his quota                       
Of pie a la mode,                                           
The changing Zip Code,                                      
And little green cars from Toyota.                          
                                                            
67609 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Timothy Torkildson       



Toyota, Nissan, Chevrolet --                                
They drive like the Devil's to pay.                         
They're wildly affected,                                    
But that is expected...                                     
The full moon's just a fortnight away.                      
                                                            
67610 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Arthur Deex         P0007



Though Bill Clinton declares that he's scored               
For GM and Chrysler and Ford,                               
Since he won't impose duties                                
On sleek Japanese beauties,                                 
Detroit calls it the Honda Accord.                          
                                                            
67611 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        A. N. Wilkins       P9508



Heaven is a very fast car                                   
And a long twisty stretch of smooth tar,                    
A tank full of gas,                                         
And a bright-eyed lass,                                     
And the cops looking on from afar.                          
                                                            
67612 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Bob Curtis               



A fellow from old Copenhagen,                               
Wooed a girl in his little Volkswagen.                      
But the damage was high:                                    
The stick-shift hit his eye,                                
And a gash from the dash on his noggin.                     
                                                            
67613 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Jim Weaver Collection    



Down the alley, behind Casey's Bar,                         
In an imported Volkswagen car,                              
Mabel painfully shed                                        
Her tough maidenhead...                                     
You should see the broad's first battle scar!               
                                                            
67614 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Grand Prix Lim  987      



A snoose chewer needed to spit                              
So he looked right and left for a pit;                      
When he sighted a bug, (VW?)                                
He shifted his plug                                         
And scored a magnificent hit.                               
                                                            
67615 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



My dub was also bright blue,                                
But got hit by a thing or two.                              
So I painted it green,                                      
But that didn't seem                                        
To keep me from crashing anew.                              
                                                            
67616 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Karen                    



An old man named Finnegan Flannegan,                        
Drove around after eating his bran again.                   
And a dirty old man                                         
He'd be, save for the can                                   
In the back of his Volkswagen Vanagon.                      
                                                            
67617 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Jim Weaver Collection    



Citroen I greet with a shrug;                               
It looked and ran like old plug.                            
Those CHEVRONS would clash                                  
Against the panache                                         
Of grand old VW Bug.                                        
                                                            
67618 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Chris Papac              



There was a young man from Sudan                            
Who drove a VW van.                                         
He once got the notion                                      
Do drive 'cross the ocean,                                  
But drowned, out of gas, near Japan                         
                                                            
67619 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Douglas Airmet           



VW's will give a cheap ride,                                
Say owners with chests puffed with pride.                   
But they've run out of pranks                               
To get tigers in tanks,                                     
Or to try to get pussy inside.                              
                                                            
67620 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL        Albin Chaplin   3024-2261



There was a young lassie named Phyllis,                     
Was deflowered one night in a Willys.                       
Before they were through                                    
Her spine was askew.                                        
And I very much fear that it still is.                      
(Willys - small American car of late 30's & 40's)           
67621 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                            L0887



To conjugate thoughts does intrigue, oh;                    
I love it so much, mi amigo,                                
That when I name cars                                       
As yours, mine, or ours                                     
They're Yugo or Igo or Wego...                              
                                                            
67622 VEHICLES - CARS - SMALL                                 



Why not, for a change, take the train?                      
It still keeps you dry in the rain.                         
But you may feel irate                                      
When it's half an hour late,                                
Wrong snow or wrong leaves once again!                      
                                                            
67623 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Jayne                    



If you want to travel by train,                             
Go to Russia or England or Spain.                           
For riding the rails,                                       
The U.S has failed                                          
As Amtrak is broke once again.                              
                                                            
67624 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Dr Limerick              



The Ugh River & Lake Fester Railway,                        
Will stay on the tracks, so they all pray;                  
The hoboes turn green                                       
As boxcars careen,                                          
And sway on the bridge like it's Doomsday!                  
                                                            
67625 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



A railroad hotel in South Joisey,                           
Is near switching trains and is noisy.                      
A guest phoned the clerk,                                   
And yelled, "Hey, you jerk!"                                
When does this hotel get to Boise?"                         
                                                            
67626 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



George Stephenson said, "These repairs                      
Are costing a fortune in spares.                            
I'll be out of pocket                                       
When I've finished this Rocket,                             
Unless British Rail raises its fares."                      
                                                            
67627 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Frank Richards           



The sleeping car does intrest me;                           
The bumpity bump for small fee.                             
Would that help the sex?                                    
The beats so complex,                                       
It could make for fun company.                              
                                                            
67628 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



There once was a Chink named Ching Ling...                  
Fell off of a streetcar.  Bing-bing.                        
The con turned his head,                                    
To the passengers said:                                     
We just lost a washer.  Ding-ding.                          
(Collected by A. Wilson in 1910)                            
67629 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                  P8112



"My wife's ass is large and profuse,"                       
The train master said, "like a goose                        
That waddles around;                                        
My goodness, I've found                                     
The perfect plan for a caboose!"                            
                                                            
67630 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Travis Brasell           



The train that I caught at a quarter                        
To seven this morning was shorter                           
Than normal; but hey!                                       
I didn't mind, for today                                    
I was crushed between Jane and her daughter.                
                                                            
67631 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



There once was an engine that could;                        
Running smoothly on coal or on wood.                        
It chugged up the grade --                                  
Thought we had it made,                                     
Till it slowed to a halt and just stood.                    
                                                            
67632 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Monique de Plume         



They weren't sure that Jack was insane,                     
When they put him in charge of the train.                   
But now they're convinced,                                  
'Cause the train has been minced.                           
They should have known after the plane.                     
                                                            
67633 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Anon                     



Why do the trains cross at rush hour?                       
Is it because they have the power?                          
With trains, if you snooze,                                 
You are going to lose;                                      
They will clean you up with a scour.                        
                                                            
67634 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



Dewitt Clinton, inventor most rare,                         
Nodded off one night in his lounge chair.                   
He mused, when in his dream                                 
Chugged an engine of steam;                                 
"A strange train of thought, that's for fair."              
                                                            
67635 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0305



A couple who lived by the tracks                            
Were making the beast with two backs.                       
When the train whistle blew,                                
Then the train went right through,                          
Heightening their explosive climax.                         
                                                            
67636 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Sylvia Honig             



There was an old lady from Carr                             
Who took the 3.03 to Forfar;                                
For she said, "I conceive                                   
It is likely to leave                                       
Far before the 4.04 to Forfar."                             
                                                            
67637 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Anon                     



Yoohoo!  Chattanooga choo-choo;                             
I'll couple my engine to you.                               
Then clickety clack,                                        
Shunting forward and back;                                  
We shall come 'round the corner, us two.                    
                                                            
67638 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Peter Wilkins            



On a roadbed when dawn would first crack,                   
Gandy dancers arrived, white and black.                     
As they'd sweat, strain and pant,                           
Keeping time with a chant,                                  
They would trust they were on the right track.              
                                                            
67639 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9709



A spinster from East in the nation                          
Saved up for a dude ranch vacation,                         
But a rhinestone-type cowboy                                
Found out she knew how, boy,                                
So she never left Grand Central Station.                    
                                                            
67640 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



There was a young lady from France                          
Who go on the train in a traince.                           
To help the conductor                                       
The engineer fucked her                                     
And the fireman went of to his aunt's.                      
                                                            
67641 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Albin Chaplin            



A conductor who called himself Moose                        
Sought out girls on the train who looked loose.             
Then he'd take 'em far back,                                
As they rolled down the track,                              
And he'd fuck 'em inside the caboose.                       
                                                            
67642 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Cap'n Bean               



An adventurous lady of Maine                                
Had a yen to be screwed by a train.                         
And on lifting her dress                                    
To a passing express,                                       
Was, alas, never hear of again.                             
                                                            
67643 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Hugh Oliver         A058A



When Marcia embraced Davy Jones,                            
We were treated to orgasmic groans.                         
It's the last Clarkesville train,                           
He screwed out her brain,                                   
And she claims she loves all of his bones!                  
                                                            
67644 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Jim Weaver Collection    



A man and his wife name of Pickett,                         
Had boarded the train with no ticket.                       
This made the conductor                                     
So mad that he fucked her,                                  
And when through he forced Pickett to lick it.              
                                                            
67645 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0865



There once was a girl from Tulane,                          
Whose hobby was pulling a train.                            
Guys lined up at the station,                               
And with some fascination,                                  
All passed GO but she didn't complain.                      
                                                            
67646 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Ray D                    



When the train goes over the points,                        
The vibration gets into the joints,                         
You can tell by the smile,                                  
That she's going her mile,                                  
As her soft pubic hair she anoints.                         
                                                            
67647 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



There was an old person from Tonga,                         
Caught an underground train toward Ongar.                   
But found himself stepping                                  
On the platform at Epping,                                  
Since trains go to Ongar no longer.                         
                                                            
67648 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Richard Long             



A new honor for women was scored,                           
When the railroad advanced Ms. McCord.                      
She was made a conductor,                                   
But so many men fucked her,                                 
She no longer will shout, "All Aboard!"                     
                                                            
67649 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Albin Chaplin   3024-0731



The tracks were laid down with precision                    
To minimise wheel wear attrition.                           
The clickety-clack                                          
Of a train on the track                                     
Was silenced by conscious decision.                         
                                                            
67650 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Ryan Waldron             



The conductor said, "May I remind                           
You that having a bump and a grind,                         
Is illegal on trains;                                       
It leaves terrible stains                                   
And disgusting wet patches behind."                         
                                                            
67651 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Peter Wilkins            



This screwing around on a train,                            
From that kind of behavior, refrain.                        
The train hits a bump --                                    
If you're in mid-hump,                                      
You could wind up in great pain.                            
                                                            
67652 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Marlene Lewis            



There was a young lady of Spain                             
Who took off her clothes on the train.                      
A brave matador                                             
Fucked her twice on the floor,                              
And once on the plain in the rain.                          
                                                            
67653 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Albin Chaplin 3024  G0187



Your life may be under great strain;                        
All your hopes may have gone down the drain.                
You're going down the funnel...                             
But at the end of the tunnel...                             
Is the headlight of the oncoming train.                     
                                                            
67654 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Peter Wilkins            



In America, trains we can't choose.                         
Long ago to the planes they did lose.                       
But now we board planes;                                    
We do wish we had trains,                                   
Because now they are searching our shoes!                   
                                                            
67655 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Hans                     



Near Hatfield, another train crash.                         
Across the papers, the headline did splash:                 
Many injured, Four dead                                     
Rail broke as train sped,                                   
Due to lack of repairs, and of cash.                        
                                                            
67656 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



An ardent young man from Naragansett,                       
Was accustomed to fucking in transit.                       
He'd catch something neat,                                  
In a Pullman retreat,                                       
Say "How do you do?", and then pants it.                    
                                                            
67657 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                  L1647



This train is a diesel gas turbine;                         
You can tell by the distinctive whine.                      
But just to be clear,                                       
I'll just get down here                                     
And put my ear to the li.....                               
                                                            
67658 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Tiddy Ogg                



Commuting to London's no fun.                               
I oft catch the 7:01.                                       
And would you believe                                       
That's the previous eve?                                    
It would surely be quicker to run!                          
                                                            
67659 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Peter Wilkins            



They tell me that taking the train                          
To London will lessen the strain;                           
It's bollocks of course                                     
For it's quicker by horse                                   
(And to heaven, it's quicker by Jane.)                      
                                                            
67660 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Peter Wilkins            



The fellows who work for Amtrack                            
Are the horniest bunch of the pack.                         
They ride the females                                       
Who ride the rails                                          
From Chicago to Frisco and back.                            
                                                            
67661 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Pedro J. Saavedra   P8208



There was a young maid from Lachine                         
To whom sex in a car was obscene.                           
But I ought to explain                                      
That she liked it by train,                                 
And was screwed on the 7:15.                                
                                                            
67662 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Hugh Oliver           52a



Miss Jane gave my earlobe a chew,                           
When in a loco we started to screw.                         
We hit some rough track,                                    
She threw her head back,                                    
And I swear she shrilled "Whoo - Whoo"!                     
                                                            
67663 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



The temptress of Cedarwood Lane                             
Made love on the late midnight train.                       
The clickety-clack                                          
'Caused a fall from the rack,                               
Resulting in God-awful pain!                                
                                                            
67664 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Jeffrey Beeton           



Nymphomaniacal Jane,                                        
Enjoyed having sex on a train.                              
As Jane lay in the sleeper,                                 
Moaning, "deeper, go deeper",                               
The train was progressing to Maine.                         
                                                            
67665 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



A young engine-driver called Hunt                           
Once took out his engine to shunt,                          
Saw a runaway truck,                                        
And by shouting out "Duck!"                                 
Saved the life of the fellow in front.                      
                                                            
67666 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Victor Gray         P9002



I thought I was losing my mind.                             
I was needing a way to unwind,                              
So I went on vacation,                                      
To my local train station,                                  
And spotted all the trains I could find.                    
                                                            
67667 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



Steam Trains are a hobby of mine;                           
I ride to the end of the line.                              
And then come back again                                    
On a different train;                                       
A pastime that I think is fine.                             
                                                            
67668 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



Said a railroad man George, "Gee, I spoil her,              
I stroke and I grease and I oil her.                        
But my dear old man,                                        
I don't understand                                          
Why she squeals when I stoking her boiler."                 
                                                            
67669 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Tiddy                    



As a steam engine drove through the night,                  
Quite transfixed on the track, by it's light,               
Stood a gent from Peru,                                     
Who was severed in two,                                     
When it struck him with all of it's might.                  
                                                            
67670 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Cap'n Bean          P0103



An impetuous Welshman called Caine                          
Threw some half-eaten fish from the train.                  
It struck an MP                                             
Which, I'm sure you'll agree,                               
Showed a truly impeccable aim.                              
                                                            
67671 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Michael Palin            



Villain Vick cried, "Alas and alack!                        
When I tied Sally Snobb to the track,                       
Faithful Fred threw the switch                              
And the train missed that bitch!                            
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack?"                      
                                                            
67672 VEHICLES - TRAINS              William N Nesbit    P0010



There was a young man from Fort Worth                       
Who, on a train, was assigned a short berth.                
When he got an erection,                                    
It enlarged the whole section;                              
It wasn't the length, but the girth!                        
                                                            
67673 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Bpostma                  



"Dear Absolute Nerd-and-a-half;                             
I've conducted a poll of my staff                           
And we all quite agree                                      
There's no hope for you, see;                               
Though you gave us one hell of a laugh!"                    
                                                            
67674 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



"And there on the platform I stand                          
With my train-spotter's notebook in hand.                   
If it's cold then I wear                                    
Thermal undies, I swear,                                    
Which I buy from a shop second-hand."                       
                                                            
67675 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



"Dear Agony Aunt, it's absurd                               
That I'm 40 (and nearly a third).                           
I'm still spotty, wear specs,                               
And I've never had sex,                                     
For the ladies all think I'm a nerd."                       
                                                            
67676 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



"So Agony Aunt, your advice:                                
Please; I'd like to meet somebody nice.                     
Are there ladies out there                                  
Who would treat me with care;                               
Even possibly look at me twice?"                            
                                                            
67677 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



"I live with my Great Auntie Flo;                           
We go out once a fortnight or so                            
To the pub for a very                                       
Small medium sherry,                                        
Then off to the station I go."                              
                                                            
67678 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



There once were some learned MD's,                          
Who captured some germs of disease.                         
And infected a train,                                       
Which, without causing pain,                                
Allowed hundreds to catch it with ease.                     
                                                            
67679 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Oliver Herdord           



There was a young fellow from Tyne,                         
Put his head on the South Eastern line.                     
But he died of ennui,                                       
For the 5:53,                                               
Didn't come till a quarter past nine.                       
                                                            
67680 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Anon                     



A young engine driver a Crewe,                              
Put his old chewing gum in the flue.                        
A boy standing by                                           
Said, "Now I know why                                       
The engine says, "Chew-chew-chew-chew!"                     
                                                            
67681 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



There was a young lady from Clyde,                          
Who'd no ticket on which to ride.                           
So she told the conductor                                   
Who immediately fucked her,                                 
And gave her two dollars besides.                           
                                                            
67682 VEHICLES - TRAINS                                       



Great-grandfather at Waterloo,                              
Fought solidly all the day through.                         
He slashed and he hacked,                                   
Through bodies tight-packed,                                
And managed to reach Platform Two.                          
(Waterloo Station in London)                                
67683 VEHICLES - TRAINS              Frank Richards           



In London for getting around,                               
Use the tube system far underground;                        
And for shirking one's work                                 
Take the tube-line called Circ-                             
le and sleep while you circulate round.                     
                                                            
67684 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



It's just what one passenger tried,                         
Having drunk too much whisky and cid-                       
er. He kept going 'round                                    
And was sleeping so sound-                                  
ly that everyone thought he had died.                       
                                                            
67685 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



The train circled 'round (to the best                       
Of my knowledge) eight times when at West-                  
minster, some said "Driv-                                   
er, this guy's not alive;                                   
The emergency stop I have pressed!"                         
                                                            
67686 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



They called in a doctor who said,                           
"This old geezer's undoubtedly dead.                        
But I fear that the am-                                     
bulance ordered is jamm-                                    
ed in a gridlock in streets overhead."                      
                                                            
67687 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



The train stayed at Westminster Sta-                        
tion from much of the rest of the day.                      
And the passengers got                                      
Understandably hot                                          
'Neath the collar and caused an affray.                     
                                                            
67688 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



They brought in the cops to assist                          
In restoring some order. "Resist,                           
And we'll have you arrest-                                  
ed (Her Majesty's "guest")                                  
If you don't stop this riot. Desist!"                       
                                                            
67689 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



The whole of the underground sys-                           
tem soon came to a halt 'cause of this;                     
And those passengers stand-                                 
ing in trains which were strand-                            
ed in tunnels had nowhere to piss.                          
                                                            
67690 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



'Mid grumbles and curses and groans,                        
There were fidgeting feminine moans;                        
And some ladies said, "Got                                  
to go now", and they squat-                                 
ed while gentlemen fingered their bones.                    
                                                            
67691 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



One guy in a carriage of wom-                               
en excited by acres of quim,                                
Waved his todger about.                                     
"Let me screw you!" he'd shout.                             
The ladies just laughed as his limb.                        
                                                            
67692 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



They pounced on him; stripping him na-                      
ked and giggled and said, "Now we'll play                   
With your sorry wee thing                                   
Like an old piece of string."                               
His excitement just faded away.                             
                                                            
67693 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



When the District Line came to a stand                      
Between Charing Cross Station and Strand,                   
All the passengers said,                                    
"Let's pretend we're in bed,"                               
And they all gave each other a hand.                        
                                                            
67694 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



On the Northern Line, heaving and hot,                      
There was no place for ladies to squat.                     
And though none of them piddled,                            
They fiddled and diddled                                    
And most of the gentlemen got...                            
                                                            
67695 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



...Quite excited and asked if they could                    
Be permitted to fondle their wood.                          
The ladies said, "Yes!"                                     
And began to undress                                        
For an orgy tremendously good.                              
                                                            
67696 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



On the line that they call Piccadilly,                      
A driver was stuck in a chilly                              
Old tunnet and said                                         
To his co-driver Fred,                                      
"Do you mind if I play with your willy?"                    
                                                            
67697 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



The Jubilee Line was the one                                
Where a catholic priest and a nun,                          
Overcome with desire,                                       
Said, "To hell with the fire                                
And the brimstone; let's have us some fun!"                 
                                                            
67698 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



The passengers stood all around;                            
Cheered as they fell to the ground,                         
Where they wrestled with habits;                            
Went at it like rabbits,                                    
And charged all the viewers a pound.                        
                                                            
67699 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



On the Waterloo-City Line, Bank                             
Is the station to aim for, but frank-                       
ly it's full of old guys                                    
Wearing public school ties,                                 
And they did what they always do -- wank.                   
                                                            
67700 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



When the Bakerloo Underground stopped                       
In a tunnel, the gentlemen dropped                          
To the floor for a leer                                     
At the underwear gear                                       
'Neath the dresses of ladies who shopped...                 
                                                            
67701 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



...In the very best underwear store                         
In the center of London.  They saw                          
Quite a forest of muff                                      
'Stead of silky red stuff                                   
And the ladies said, "Wanna see more?"                      
                                                            
67702 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



The Hammersmith-City Line guys                              
Couldn't believe their good luck or their eyes,             
For the train was quite full                                
Of young ladies from school,                                
Who kept crossing uncrossing their thighs.                  
                                                            
67703 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



But the Central Line passengers had                         
It much worse than the others; it's sad,                    
For the heat was too much                                   
For a sensuous touch                                        
And I fear it drove most of them mad.                       
                                                            
67704 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



On the old Metropolitan Line                                
They suspended the service for nine                         
And two-thirds of an hour;                                  
But the passnegers' sour                                    
And grim faces were hardly divine.                          
                                                            
67705 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



They just grumbled and moaned as they sat;                  
No flirtatiously interesting chat.                          
In one carrieage they hunch-                                
ed, it is true, in a bunch,                                 
But were only avoiding a rat.                               
                                                            
67706 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



The Victoria Line was delayed                               
Outside Bond Street. A whore and her maid                   
In the carriage up front                                    
Had a whole queue of punt-                                  
ers. For services rendered they paid...                     
                                                            
67707 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



...Up to sixty-five pounds for a quick                      
In-and-out and ten pounds for a dick-                       
finger shuffle. (The maid                                   
Had the job to disuade                                      
Voyeurs with a genital kick.)                               
                                                            
67708 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



It's always the same in this city;                          
The underground system is shitty.                           
A problem or three                                          
Causes havoc you see;                                       
The results I've described in this ditty.                   
                                                            
67709 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



A confession -- it's only verse two                         
And verse three which are actually true.                    
And the guy who was sound-                                  
ly asleep underground                                       
Was alive. But his name? Not a clue.                        
                                                            
67710 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Peter Wilkins            



While packed like sardines in the train,                    
I pressed hard against sweet young Lorraine.                
The tube train's vibration                                  
Caused us excitation...                                     
My pants are all sticky again.                              
                                                            
67711 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Tiddy Ogg                



I once had a gal in a flap                                  
Right after a braking mishap.                               
When pulled from her chest,                                 
They found I had messed                                     
All over her nice sumptuous gap                             
                                                            
67712 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     SFA                      



These hot summer days in the city                           
Bring out all the gorgeous and pretty                       
Young girls. In the crush                                   
Of the Underground rush                                     
Hour, I find I'm surrounded by titty.                       
                                                            
67713 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY                              



There's cleavage in front of my eyes;                       
And there's cleavage behind, I surmise.                     
For there's cleavage in sight                               
To my left and my right,                                    
Which these girlies don't try to disguise.                  
                                                            
67714 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY                              



I frequently find that my hand                              
Is cupped over a mammary gland;                             
But it isn't my fault                                       
If we suddenly halt                                         
At a station and come to a stand.                           
                                                            
67715 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY                              



Surrounded by titties which press                           
In my face and my chest, I confess,                         
Makes commuting worthwhile;                                 
I've a permanent smile                                      
And a stiffie that needs a caress.                          
                                                            
67716 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY                              



The old Hammersmith City Line                               
Is not a very pretty line.                                  
So reduce your loss,                                        
Change at Kings Cross;                                      
Get on the InterCity Line.                                  
                                                            
67717 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Richard Long             



A young man attempted to woo                                
A young bus conductress from Kew.                           
But she told him, "Hey!                                     
You can't go the whole way.                                 
I'm afraid you must stop at Zone 2."                        
                                                            
67718 VEHICLES - TRAINS - SUBWAY     Richard Long             



It's no good complaining to me;                             
I'm only the manager, see?                                  
Okay, you're irate,                                         
But be patient and wait                                     
For the one due at quarter-to-three.                        
                                                            
67719 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



So what, if it's way after four?                            
A problem we had with a door.                               
It kind of dropped off                                      
On a bend -- you may scoff,                                 
But the driver will fix it for sure.                        
                                                            
67720 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Today I've been promised a treat;                           
Naughty Jane on the train's booked a seat                   
Next to mine and she's told                                 
Me she's feeling quite bold;                                
But I think I shall beat a retreat.                         
                                                            
67721 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



The last time she said that to me,                          
I accepted her offer with glee.                             
But I fear it's so cramped on                               
Those trains that my hampton                                
Exploded all over my knee.                                  
                                                            
67722 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



This next train's a diesel turbine;                         
You can tell by the distinctive whine.                      
But just to make sure,                                      
I'll get down on the floor                                  
And put my left ear to the l...                             
                                                            
67723 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Fred                     



Poor Tiddy Ogg is dead;                                     
A train ran over his head.                                  
He was a bit of a bore                                      
And his limericks were poor,                                
But still, he was no good in bed.                           
                                                            
67724 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Fred                     



"The train now at platform thirteen,                        
Departs about 14:15;                                        
And if you're in luck,                                      
You'll have time for a fuck,                                
If it stops between Feltham and Sheen.                      
                                                            
67725 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



At platform 9, special excursion:                           
The staff will all read from that Persian                   
Manual on sex,                                              
While passengers dex-                                       
Terously practice all kinds of perversion.                  
                                                            
67726 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Tiddy Ogg                



"A single to Ware, please," said Dan.                       
"To where, sir?"  "To Ware, if I can."                      
"But where?"  "I said Ware."                                
"But I don't know the fare                                  
'Less you tell me where to, understand?"                    
                                                            
67727 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



"Now cloth-ears, just listen to me;                         
It's Ware up in Herts I must be."                           
"That narrows it down,                                      
Sir, now tell me which town                                 
For I need to know where, don't you see?"                   
                                                            
67728 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



"Just give me a ticket to Ware!                             
I'm losing my temper, I swear."                             
"Me too, mate, now leave                                    
And let go of my sleeve,                                    
For there's no fucking fare, mate, to where."               
                                                            
67729 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



So instead he is going to Morrow,                           
Because he has learned to his sorrow,                       
You can't get to Ware;                                      
There's no way to get there,                                
Unless there's a bike you can borrow.                       
                                                            
67730 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Tomea                    



Last night I was limp as a rag                              
For my train coming home, hit a snag                        
And we sweltered for hour                                   
After hour without power;                                   
Too exhausted for even a shag.                              
                                                            
67731 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



Of course I don't normally screw                            
When commuting to London, that's true;                      
If however the chance                                       
Had been there for romance,                                 
I would hardly have known what to do.                       
                                                            
67732 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



I dreamt I was riding a train                               
Through tunnels again and again;                            
And the rock of the rails                                   
Made me leave behind trails                                 
Of come from Siberia to Spain.                              
                                                            
67733 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



As you rode the Siberian Express,                           
Through tunnels of love, let me guess,                      
That you weren't alone,                                     
Playing with your bone,                                     
Your companion a Russian Princess.                          
                                                            
67734 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



A mysterious beauty was she,                                
While indulging your fantasy.                               
Every dream came true,                                      
Knowing just what to do,                                    
Rocking over each hill and valley.                          
                                                            
67735 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



I don't want to make too much fuss                          
but I get the same thing on the bus                         
Pauses at a red light                                       
Make me cry with delight                                    
For reasons I will not discuss!                             
                                                            
67736 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



Today I go back to the city;                                
No working from home, what a pity.                          
I hope on the train                                         
I'll be sitting with Jane,                                  
Who's forever caressing her clitty.                         
                                                            
67737 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



[Remember her? Gorgeous young Jane?                         
She's addicted to riding by train                           
For the rhythm delights her                                 
And hugely excites her;                                     
She orgasms time and again.]                                
                                                            
67738 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



And Doris, I swear, truth to tell,                          
Tried a cigar there as well;                                
Put the hot end in first,                                   
Then boy, how she cursed,                                   
"Bejaysus, 'tis hotter than hell!"                          
                                                            
67739 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



Now Carmen's old butch matador,                             
Was French, and he said "Je t'adore.                        
Please come dear, with me,                                  
By train, to Paree,                                         
Carmen, to the gare du Nord."                               
                                                            
67740 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



Commuting is always a pain                                  
But this morning was more of a strain.                      
Cancellations were made                                     
And my train was delayed                                    
For an hour and a half yet again.                           
                                                            
67741 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



I was crammed in the tiniest seat                           
Of a cattle-truck train and the heat,                       
Condensation and sound                                      
Made my head ache and pound;                                
I got cramp in my bum-cheeks and feet.                      
                                                            
67742 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



For one of those terrible hours                             
I dozed fitfully, dreaming of flowers;                      
Roses, Petals and Maisies                                   
Sweet Kittens and Daisies                                   
And dark secret moist-laden bowers.                         
                                                            
67743 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



Romantic? Not half!! But I woke                             
To find Gertrude (a bag-faced old joke)                     
Sitting opposite glaring                                    
At what I was wearing;                                      
I feared she might give me a poke.                          
                                                            
67744 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



Before I could I ask her just why,                          
I looked down and I noticed my fly                          
Was unzipped, gaping wide;                                  
So no wonder the dried-                                     
Up old harridan gave me the eye.                            
                                                            
67745 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



We're sorry this train is so late;                          
It should have been here before eight.                      
The wrong sort of rain                                      
Is delaying your train,                                     
So you'll just have to suffer and wait.                     
                                                            
67746 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



I'm sorry this train isn't stopping                         
For boarding or even off-dropping.                          
The driver got lost                                         
In the fog and the frost                                    
(But I think we've just trundled through Wapping).          
                                                            
67747 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



We're sorry this journey is slow.                           
The lighting is merely a glow.                              
The heating's defunct                                       
And the toilets are gunked,                                 
And the buffet shut ages ago.                               
                                                            
67748 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



The train is much shorter than planned,                     
And most of you have to stand;                              
Apologies too                                               
For not stopping at Crewe...                                
Will you please have your tickets at hand.                  
                                                            
67749 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



As clicketty-clack went the train                           
Over points, it affected Miss Jane                          
In mysterious ways,                                         
For she left in a daze                                      
With a highly embarrassing stain.                           
                                                            
67750 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



And now she's addicted to trains                            
To relieve her frustrations and pains;                      
And the faster their speed,                                 
The more urgent her need,                                   
And the more satisfaction she gains.                        
                                                            
67751 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Peter Wilkins            



A travelling girl named Lorraine                            
Liked doing it best on a train.                             
The rails as they pass                                      
Would jiggle her ass,                                       
From Tulsa to Caribou, Maine.                               
                                                            
67752 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    MrMalo                   



Miss Lorraine was quite a star,                             
With railroad men, near and far.                            
From Tulsa to Maine,                                        
Not one did complain,                                       
When they went to the dining car.                           
                                                            
67753 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES    Kaylin                   



The train that they call the Express                        
Was always the one to redress                               
Any time lags incurred                                      
While riding a herd                                         
Of yaks for a girl to impress.                              
                                                            
67754 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



Its tracks were laid down with precision                    
To minimize wheel wear attrition:                           
The clackety-clack                                          
Of a train on the track                                     
Was silenced by conscious decision.                         
                                                            
67755 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



The yak herd that influenced the lass                       
Was fueled 'most entirely on grass.                         
While running beside                                        
The train, if they died,                                    
Were buried right up to their ass.                          
                                                            
67756 VEHICLES - TRAINS - ZSERIES                             



A lady from old Hackensack,                                 
When needing a libidious snack,                             
Would wave down a trucker,                                  
And get him to fuck her,                                    
And then call it a Big Mack Attack!                         
(for Mack Trucks)                                           
67757 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              VOL 11                   



Cutsie Blanche used to work at a branch                     
Of a multispread corporate ranch.                           
When she rode in by truck,                                  
She'd submit to a fuck,                                     
So that truckers lined up to cart Blanche.                  
                                                            
67758 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



There once was a man named Stan,                            
Who drove a delivery van.                                   
He picked up a chick                                        
Who then sucked his dick,                                   
And he said that I'll come when I can.                      
                                                            
67759 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



'Tis the custom in Castelamorrie,                           
To fuck in the back of a lorry.                             
The chassis and springs                                     
Are like woodwinds and strings                              
In the midst of a musical soiree.                           
                                                            
67760 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                  G0034



A trailer rig driver, we've learned,                        
Struck a pole, and his truck, overturned;                   
He survived the hard crash,                                 
But was fried in a flash,                                   
When his trailer ignited and burned.                        
                                                            
67761 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Cap'n Bean          P0101



There once was a gal with some luck;                        
She invited a man for some duck.                            
After dinner to a bed                                       
They went and she said,                                     
"Move over"; they fell off the truck.                       
                                                            
67762 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Laura S Baxterlection    



With suburbans and Jeeps I am bored:                        
I'll get an Excursion from Ford.                            
Only thing it can't pass                                    
Is a place that sells gas.                                  
Wins - hands down - the road bully award.                   
                                                            
67763 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Ellen Goodman's column   



In the mud, the ice or the snow,                            
My truck will never need a tow.                             
In 4-wheel drive,                                           
She's always alive.                                         
Doesn't drink beer, she's a wino.                           
                                                            
67764 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



A trucker whose first name was Fred,                        
Had fantasies filing his head.                              
When he should have been truckin',                          
His mind was on fuckin';                                    
No more truckin' or fuckin', Fred's dead!                   
                                                            
67765 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Bob Birch           P0107



The gargantuan SUV                                          
Does nothing so moderately.                                 
Those guzzling crates                                       
Ignore interest rates,                                      
As they drive you into bankruptcy.                          
                                                            
67766 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Timothy Torkildson       



My friends, a disaster has struck;                          
I can't believe my bad luck.                                
My girl's up and left --                                    
Left me quite bereft --                                     
And what's worse, she took off in my truck!                 
                                                            
67767 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Mike Dale                



"The defendant herin is a truck,                            
The vehicle type is pick-up.                                
Alleged by a fed                                            
To be found in a bed                                        
Of marijuana, caught in the muck."                          
(part of a court order returning a truck to pot growers)    
67768 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Judge Ken Wangelin  P8510



There once was a surfer named Buck                          
Who drove a huge 20-ton truck.                              
He said, "It's no lark                                      
If you're trying to park,                                   
But it's great when you want to fuck."                      
                                                            
67769 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Jim Weaver Collection    



The glory of truck driver, Gray;                            
"I'm monarch of all I survey.                               
If downward I glance,                                       
Volkwagens are ants,                                        
And heaven's not too far away."                             
                                                            
67770 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              IRVING sUPERIOR     P8906



Award winning truck driver, Gray.                           
NO tail-gating inches away.                                 
NO mid-finger raise.                                        
NO withering gaze.                                          
NO 'stupid jerk' ever did bray.                             
                                                            
67771 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



A driver of dump trucks is Gray.                            
He picks-up and drops-off all day.                          
From nightmares he jumps                                    
"I'm down in the dumps,"                                    
Then drops off to sleep right away.                         
                                                            
67772 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



A business-type truck driver, Gray,                         
To hitchhiking lasses would say,                            
"It's ten cents a mile                                      
So after a while,                                           
Advise me when I've earned a lay."                          
                                                            
67773 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



Near Boston, his lawyer told Gray,                          
"At ten cents a mile from L. A.,                            
Inflation, et cet,                                          
I'm willing to bet                                          
She owes you one half of a lay."                            
                                                            
67774 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



The judge said to truck driver Gray,                        
"In judging one half of a lay,                              
A difficult task.                                           
'Which half', you'll soon ask,                              
So why not drive back to L. A.?                             
                                                            
67775 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



Near Denver is truck driver Gray.                           
He's nearing four-fifths of his lay.                        
He's feeling hard-pressed.                                  
He's tearing her dress.                                     
He's pleading the fifth right away.                         
                                                            
67776 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



No longer will truck driver Gray,                           
To hitchhiking lasses not say,                              
"It's ten cents a mile."                                    
Instead he will smile,                                      
"It's twenty cents as of today."                            
                                                            
67777 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



The season has been a real bummer;                          
I had sex only once the whole summer.                       
Then that witch told them all                               
That my pecker's too small.                                 
So, I'll just have to buy me a Hummer.                      
                                                            
67778 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



I sound like a bitter old crank;                            
For this you have GM to thank.                              
In your Hummer you'll hide,                                 
As you're quaking inside,                                   
When I roll down your street in my tank.                    
                                                            
67779 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



She played on my crank like a fife,                         
The top open wider than life.                               
The big rig beside                                          
Went into a slide -                                         
While jacking he did a jack-knife!                          
                                                            
67780 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



Jimmy Hoffa, a trucker ungentle,                            
Now rests on a shelf continental.                           
Since the Mafia, God bless 'em                              
Took time to undress 'em,                                   
His identity's based on things dental.                      
                                                            
67781 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Arthur Deex         P8906



append doctor in far Abyssinia,                             
"From the grave I can't possibly win ya;                    
I'm frightfully sorry.                                      
But the wheel of that lorry                                 
Has made such a big abyss in ya.                            
                                                            
67782 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Langford Reed            



There once was a pretty young lass,                         
With scrape marks along her sweet ass.                      
She was getting a tan                                       
On top of a van,                                            
And missed the sign "Low Underpass."                        
                                                            
67783 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Bob Birch           P0301



On the carpark was written "max height";                    
The road in was really a sight.                             
If the place was all maxes,                                 
We are all paying his taxes.                                
It deserved to be closed every night.                       
                                                            
67784 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Arthur Pattaffy          



You know what best rhymes with Tom Tucker,                  
A long-distance hauler, a trucker;                          
In towns just one night                                     
He lays 'em all right --                                    
That transient and mobile old fucker.                       
                                                            
67785 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Armand E Singer     P0102



Most morticians in order to ease                            
Those who've lost family to STDs,  (sexually transmitted    
Now use for transportation          diseases)               
In their solemn rotation,                                   
No more Limos, solely SUVs.                                 
                                                            
67786 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Loren Fitzhugh      P0309



There was a young driver named Lori;                        
She's forever saying I'm sorry.                             
While driving a truck                                       
She ran out of luck,                                        
And finished up, upside down, in a quarry.                  
                                                            
67787 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Arthur Pattaffy          



Truck drivers once were kind and sane;                      
Obeyed most laws, did not complain.                         
That once noble knight,                                     
No longer polite,                                           
Scares those who risk HIS passing lane.                     
                                                            
67788 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Gerald Bosacker          



There once was a trucker named Gouch                        
As a driver this guy was no slouch.                         
A clean slate he compiled,                                  
Once avoiding a child;                                      
He pulled out and fell off the couch.                       
                                                            
67789 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Bob Giandomenico    P8906



A young man once perceived a felt need                      
And from pure altruism, not greed,                          
Proceeded con brio                                          
And fashioned a Reo,                                        
Although few have much truck with that breed.               
                                                            
67790 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9203



On the ice, cried a trucker named Mac,                      
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!"                     
Eighteen wheels left the ground,                            
And the cab spun around,                                    
And the trailer flipped front end to back!                  
                                                            
67791 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Bob Birch           P0010



The mourners in bleak cavalcade                             
Are gathered to bury a maid,                                
Who had the ill luck                                        
To be hit by a truck                                        
And then scraped from the road with a spade.                
                                                            
67792 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Beelzebub                



While fucking his girl on a quilt,                          
She told me she'd concede her guilt,                        
In wishing his wienie                                       
Was not quite so teeny,                                     
But soon he would have a Peterbuilt.                        
                                                            
67793 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Hugh Clary               



An interstate trucker named Thad                            
Looked lke an insensitive cad                               
when he wrote on his truck                                  
"Sue Smith's a great fuck."                                 
But the truth is, she paid for the ad.                      
                                                            
67794 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Michael Weinstein   P9208



The papers grouse about 4x4's;                              
Two tons with an engine that roars.                         
They cause chaos at schools;                                
Mothers threatening duels.                                  
They're for use amongst heather and gorse.                  
                                                            
67795 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Arthur Pattaffy          



It happens, a type of fast truckers                         
Are apt to play hikers for suckers.                         
And some such truck drivers                                 
Appear as muff divers,                                      
And simply are rotten as fuckers.                           
                                                            
67796 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Bill Backe-Hansen   P9305



All Union truck drivers agree,                              
For Safety, Rules one, two, and three.                      
Hitchhikers pass by.                                        
Do not DUI.                                                 
When napping, first turn off the key.                       
                                                            
67797 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Irving Superior     P8906



A trucker by the name of McBired,                           
Had a young whore that he hired                             
To fuck when not trucking.                                  
But trucking plus fucking,                                  
Got him so fucking tired he got fired.                      
                                                            
67798 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                  L0998



There was a young trucker named Bryerder,                   
Who met a good harlot and hired her                         
To fuck between trucks.                                     
But to truck between fucks,                                 
Made him tireder and tireder and tireder.                   
                                                            
67799 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                  G1751



There was an old trucker named Bryan,                       
Who drove heavy loads to Cairnryan.                         
From there, going afloat                                    
On the north Irish boat,                                    
But his load he kept a sharp eye on.                        
                                                            
67800 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Arthur Pattaffy          



There's a wild sight I frequently see;                      
Semis speeding in line, one, two, three.                    
At Daytona Race Track                                       
It's called "drafting." Alack,                              
On the Interstate, it's lunacy.                             
                                                            
67801 VEHICLES - TRUCKS              Loren Fitzhugh      P2006



Said the truck driver, shifting to high,                    
And stroking his passenger's thigh,                         
"Inside my valise,                                          
Are some rubbers and grease.                                
Let's open them up, bye and bye."                           
                                                            
67802 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



Wow!  A Peterbilt!  Bob, that's great!                      
At the truck stop near Merced, I'll wait.                   
There I'll wigwag my bumpers;                               
We'll cause quite a rumpus,                                 
While in your cosy bunk I'll get laid.                      
                                                            
67803 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



Oh dear!  Oh god!  You sweet Mabel!                         
With you, I think I am able.                                
Let's do some making                                        
Out, that ain't faking;                                     
The ride, like horses in the Queen's stable.                
                                                            
67804 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



To get far more bang for your buck,                         
Go to Mabel, she's built like a truck.                      
When she shifts to high gear,                               
She instills in men fear,                                   
That they'll never survive that great fuck.                 
                                                            
67805 VEHICLES - TRUCKS                                       



In the dawning of prehistory                                
The wheel arrived quite suddenly.                           
With two and a horse,                                       
We are mobile of course.                                    
This is art with a capital C.                               
                                                            
67806 VEHICLES - ZOTHER                                       



There was a young man named Murray,                         
Who made love to his girl in a surrey.                      
She started to sigh,                                        
But someone walked by,                                      
So he buttoned his pants in a hurry.                        
                                                            
67807 VEHICLES - ZOTHER                                  L1492



A farmer hauling apples first class,                        
His donkey reached out for some grass.                      
This man's trousers did rend                                
And the whole thing did end                                 
With his applecart over his ass.                            
                                                            
67808 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin            



There is a young lady named Holly,                          
Whose disposition is listed as jolly.                       
If she goes to the mall                                     
She'll get into a brawl;                                    
She's a menace when pushing a trolley.                      
                                                            
67809 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Arthur Pattaffy          



And down by the corner Quickmart,                           
Poor Willy was trying his art;                              
Coming on to some ladies,                                   
Though he had no Mercedes,                                  
He did have some beer in his cart.                          
                                                            
67810 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Matthew Montchalin       



"Hop in for a ride and a drink;                             
The beer, once it's opened, will stink.                     
The cart goes quite fast;                                   
You know it's a blast;                                      
I run way too fast just to think."                          
                                                            
67811 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Matthew Montchalin       



"Directions you give me and steer,                          
And I will push hard without fear.                          
I have lots of nerve                                        
And know how to swerve.                                     
Good sense I obtain from my beer."                          
                                                            
67812 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Matthew Montchalin       



She climbed in and Willy did start,                         
He breathed in a bit at the mart.                           
She drank a good swig,                                      
He pushed at his rig,                                       
And downhill he rolled the old cart.                        
                                                            
67813 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Matthew Montchalin       



The ride was not smooth but quite rough;                    
He knew not how much was enough.                            
His path was disturbed,                                     
(A pebble perturbed                                         
The wheel of the cart by the bluff.)                        
                                                            
67814 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Matthew Montchalin       



The story goes not too much farther;                        
The moral you see, is "Push Harder".                        
Beer made Willy run;                                        
He had lots of fun,                                         
And his girlfriend turned into a martyr.                    
                                                            
67815 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Matthew Montchalin       



In Rome a young lady named Harriet                          
Was roped by a man with a lariat.                           
They say 'twas Ben-Hur,                                     
Who screwed her, the cur,                                   
As he rode at full speed in his chariot.                    
                                                            
67816 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0708



A smart Roman madam named Harriet                           
Bought her girls a luxurious chariot                        
To make house-calls, she said,                              
With a portable bed,                                        
Using Harriet's chariot to carry it.                        
                                                            
67817 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Norm Storer              



A promising young engineer                                  
Pursues his experiments here.                               
His flying pumpkin                                          
Has been plagued by a spin,                                 
And will never be purchased by Lear.                        
                                                            
67818 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              VOL 11                   



Of beer he'd drink more than a flagon,                      
Then climb on a horse-driven wagon.                         
"Yee-ha!" he would shout                                    
As he galloped about,                                       
While explaining it gave him a jag on.                      
                                                            
67819 VEHICLES - ZOTHER                                       



Old St. Nick does work the easy way;                        
In a year he performs just one day.                         
On Christmas night,                                         
The traffic is light,                                       
Driving his eight reindeer sleigh.                          
                                                            
67820 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Tom Patton          P9609



While working as town council clerk,                        
I once met a fellow named Burke,                            
Who drove the snow plow.                                    
I asked the man how,                                        
In winter, he got in to work.                               
                                                            
67821 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Tiddy Ogg                



With this thought I most readily part:                      
When I saw my first ancient ox cart,                        
I was somewhat bemused                                      
And with joy much infused,                                  
To think, this was once "state of the art".                 
                                                            
67822 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Loren Fitzhugh      P0900



Over the river and through the woods                        
To grandmother's house we go.                               
The weather is rotten                                       
And we have gotten                                          
Stuck in the fucking snow.                                  
                                                            
67823 VEHICLES - ZOTHER                                       



There was a young farmer named Murray                       
Who took his girl out in a surrey.                          
He said, "We are undone,                                    
There's no room to have fun."                               
She said, "Show me, for I'm from Missouri."                 
                                                            
67824 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin   3024-0272



Oil companies are crooks, here's the proof:                 
Our fuel price has gone through the roof.                   
If it goes any higher,                                      
(You may think me a liar)                                   
We'll end up travelling on hoof.                            
                                                            
67825 VEHICLES - ZOTHER                                       



A young sulky driver named Morse                            
Was thrown as he rounded the course.                        
So he rode for awhile                                       
In the hospital aisle                                       
In a wheelchair attached to a horse.                        
                                                            
67826 VEHICLES - ZOTHER              Albin Chaplin   3024-2711



I asked farmer Jones "Why so wide, he                       
Had made his new tractor."  Replied he,                     
"I need a two seat-ah                                       
Because when I meet a                                       
Nice gal, I will want herbicide me."                        
                                                            
67827 VEHICLES - ZOTHER                                       



A persuasive young bunny named Baker,                       
Convinced the first twenty to make her.                     
They had each, so she said,                                 
Gotten her maidenhead,                                      
And the idiots believed her, the faker!                     
                                                            
67828 VIRGINS - FALSE                Grand Prix Lim  274      



A haughty young woman named Gold,                           
Oft bragged that she'd never been rolled.                   
But her story was blown,                                    
When her assets were shown,                                 
In a sleazy mag's new centerfold.                           
                                                            
67829 VIRGINS - FALSE                                         



She was riding that bike in Hoboken                         
When the pokin' took place -- I ain't jokin'.               
'Twarn't no bike built for two,                             
With a boy for to screw...                                  
But a dildo, sans seat -- I have spoken.                    
                                                            
67830 VIRGINS - FALSE                Jim Weaver Collection    



Said haggard old tart, Anne-Marie,                          
"I charge an additional fee;                                
The doc sews me up                                          
After every tup,                                            
So a born-again virgin I be!                                
                                                            
67831 VIRGINS - FALSE                Peter Wilkins            



On that haggard old tart I just bent                        
My blade. Couldn't pierce her tight vent.                   
Scissors snipped that old witch's                           
Industrial stitches.                                        
By George, now she's properly rent!                         
                                                            
67832 VIRGINS - FALSE                RanDog                   



Said his virginal bride to McNary,                          
"I've saved myself just for you, Harry."                    
But to his chagrin,                                         
When he screwed his way in,                                 
He found there were seeds in her cherry.                    
                                                            
67833 VIRGINS - FALSE                                         



We all know they love to be humped,                         
And many a man's been gazumped.                             
They think they've found gold,                              
Until they are told,                                        
Their claim had already been jumped.                        
                                                            
67834 VIRGINS - FALSE                                         



A gifted old man from Darjeeling,                           
Read sweet Susie's tea leaves, revealing                    
The quite sordid facts                                      
Of various acts,                                            
The pious young fraud was concealing.                       
                                                            
67835 VIRGINS - FALSE                John Ciardi              



A transplanting surgeon named Barry,                        
His specialty - GET A NEW CHERRY.                           
(He gets them from sheep                                    
While they are asleep)                                      
And makes honeymooners more merry.                          
                                                            
67836 VIRGINS - FALSE                Irving Superior     P9503



"I'm a virgin, of course," sighed the bride.                
"You're the first, you can say that with pride."            
But the groom was revolted,                                 
His pride badly jolted,                                     
When he found a man's wristwatch inside.                    
                                                            
67837 VIRGINS - FALSE                John Miller 0096         



Bill thought that when he married Mary                      
He'd start out by popping her cherry...                     
Alas for that guy                                           
THAT day was long by...                                     
And was hubby sore at her!...VERY!                          
                                                            
67838 VIRGINS - FALSE                Grand Prix Lim  685      



A certain young sheik I'm not namin',                       
Asked a flapper he thought he was tamin',                   
"Have you your maidenhead?"                                 
"Don't be foolish", she said.                               
"I still have the box that it came in."                     
                                                            
67839 VIRGINS - FALSE                                    L0880



There was a young lady of Bhore,                            
Who was courted by gallants galore.                         
Their ardent protestin'                                     
She found interestin',                                      
And she ended her life as a virgin.                         
                                                            
67840 VIRGINS - FALSE                                    L0812



There was a young fellow named Simon                        
Who tried to discover a hymen.                              
But he found every girl                                     
Had relinquished her pearl,                                 
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.                        
                                                            
67841 VIRGINS - FALSE                                    L0894



An obedient young lady named Hinches                        
Was not at all bad in the clinches.                         
Her ma she'd obey,                                          
Not to go all the way,                                      
So for years she took only five inches.                     
                                                            
67842 VIRGINS - FALSE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2108



There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,                      
Whose people all thought her a virgin,                      
'Till they found her in bed,                                
With her quim very red,                                     
And the head of a kid just emergin'.                        
                                                            
67843 VIRGINS - FALSE                                    L0897



Blessed Mary, once harlot, did seek                         
To be cleansed in a manner unique.                          
Holy Ghost fucked her, then                                 
Made her virgin again.                                      
I can show you his very technique.                          
                                                            
67844 VIRGINS - FALSE                Albin Chaplin       P9012



Maggie is such a sad sack of shit                           
That no one will tickle her tit.                            
It would make her so glad                                   
To be had by a lad,                                         
Her drawers cream at the mere thought of it.                
                                                            
67845 VIRGINS - FALSE                                    L0893



My wife has decided that she                                
Is too good for a man such as me.                           
So such is my fate,                                         
I lie down, masturbate,                                     
While she retros her virginity.                             
                                                            
67846 VIRGINS - FALSE                Anon                     



In lands where virginity matters,                           
And lack of little red smatters                             
On wedding bed                                              
Can mean the bride's head.                                  
They THIMBLERIG requisite spatters.                         
                                                            
67847 VIRGINS - FALSE                Elois                    



They're having an auction today                             
Just to sell her virtue away.                               
They'll all bid like fools,                                 
Caressing their tools,                                      
Not knowing that she is passe.                              
                                                            
67848 VIRGINS - FALSE                                         



"You're used!" cried the husband complaining,               
"No virgin could give such a draining.                      
Mere up and down thrust                                     
Could be natural lust,                                      
But that side-to-side action shows training!"               
                                                            
67849 VIRGINS - FALSE                                         



No longer a virgin, Miss Wise,                              
Arranged for a marriage disguise:                           
It was surgical art                                         
That refurbished her part,                                  
By constructing a tissue of lies.                           
                                                            
67850 VIRGINS - FALSE                Jim Weaver Collection    



The bride went up the aisle                                 
In traditional virginal style.                              
But they say she was nary                                   
An innocent cherry,                                         
But a whore from the banks of the Nile.                     
                                                            
67851 VIRGINS - FALSE                                    L0804



My brother is sexually frustrated;                          
With a woman, he never has mated,                           
But around them he'll sniff,                                
And his dick will go stiff,                                 
Perhaps I should get him castrated.                         
                                                            
67852 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



Being stabbed isn't much fun,                               
And to others this shouldn't be done,                       
But with an umbrella last week,                             
My brother, out, did freak;                                 
I'm lucky he had not a gun.                                 
                                                            
67853 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



Said Junior to Mother, "What's new?"                        
Said Mother to Junior, "Curfew.                             
It is quite impolite                                        
To stay out past midnight,                                  
You may bid the young lady adieu!"                          
                                                            
67854 VIRGINS - MALE                 Observer                 



In my schooldays, when I was thirteen,                      
To a tumble-down hut by the green,                          
I went in trepidation                                       
And anticipation,                                           
To a meeting I'd arranged with Irene.                       
                                                            
67855 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



I stood there, she undid her blouse,                        
I was nervous, but very aroused,                            
She reached out her hand,                                   
Just below my waist-band,                                   
And murmured "You are well endowed."                        
                                                            
67856 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



I pushed my face into her mound,                            
Her sweet little treasure I'd found.                        
She tore my pants free,                                     
Crying "Lay down with me!" ...                              
But I'd finished 'fore I reached the ground.                
                                                            
67857 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



Disappointed she told me "You're mean,                      
I'll not come again to this scene."                         
And tomorrow don't stare,                                   
In class, and beware                                        
To call me Miss Jones, not Irene."                          
                                                            
67858 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



When I was young and in my prime,                           
I thought having sex was a crime.                           
And so I abstained.                                         
But what have I gained?                                     
A body that's not worth your time.                          
                                                            
67859 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



There once was a young man from Burgeon                     
Who claimed to be the last living virgin;                   
But, he was caught strokin'                                 
Without female pokin',                                      
And now his dick needs some re-urgin'.                      
                                                            
67860 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



There once was a spry young fair lad,                       
Who the girls looked upon as a cad.                         
But no secret, you see,                                     
He lost his virginity,                                      
When the old vicar's daughter he had.                       
                                                            
67861 VIRGINS - MALE                 Straydog                 



There was a young lad of St. Louis                          
Who was raised with too much ingenouis,                     
But when puberty called                                     
He was lustily balled,                                      
And is now much too cocky and screwy.                       
                                                            
67862 VIRGINS - MALE                 Keith MacMillan     A071B



There was a young fellow named Pete,                        
Who was gentle, and shy, and discreet.                      
But with his first woman                                    
He became quite inhuman,                                    
And constantly roared for fresh meat.                       
                                                            
67863 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



There was a young fellow named Biddle                       
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.                      
She grabbed hold of his bow,                                
And said, "If you want to know,                             
You can try parting my hair in the middle."                 
                                                            
67864 VIRGINS - MALE                                     L0813



There once was a man from Tangiers                          
Who stayed celibate 45 years.                               
Once in a brawl,                                            
He got kicked in the balls,                                 
And semen shot out of his ears!                             
                                                            
67865 VIRGINS - MALE                 Puff Adder         TP9807



I once had a girl, Mary Anne,                               
With a face as flat as a pan.                               
She was covered with zits,                                  
Had lopsided tits --                                        
(But Lord! One beautiful tan!)                              
                                                            
67866 VIRGINS - MALE                 John Miller 0008a        



She was nasty and mean, Mary Anne,                          
When the sane saw her coming, they ran.                     
She was quick in her use                                    
Of verbal abuse,                                            
(But when asked would reply, "Yes you can!")                
                                                            
67867 VIRGINS - MALE                 John Miller 0008b        



She was ugly and fat, Mary Anne;                            
She sold crack from the back of her van.                    
She cheated and lied,                                       
She was sneaky and snide,                                   
(But she sure had a way with a man!)                        
                                                            
67868 VIRGINS - MALE                 John Miller 0008c        



I was warned about you, Mary Anne,                          
By my brother and sister and Gran;                          
And by Mother and Dad,                                      
They all said you're bad                                    
(You were good on the cot in the van!)                      
                                                            
67869 VIRGINS - MALE                 John Miller 0008d        



She was bad, really bad, Mary Anne;                         
Almost none could she claim as her fan;                     
(But because of her urgin',                                 
I ceased to be virgin!                                      
Take the good with the bad when you can!)                   
                                                            
67870 VIRGINS - MALE                 John Miller 0008e        



A novice at fucking was Brook;                              
He felt something starting to cook.                         
He did not understand                                       
That feeling so grand,                                      
So he backed off a foot for a look.                         
                                                            
67871 VIRGINS - MALE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0063



There once was a boy from Kentucky,                         
Who thought active sex was so yucky.                        
His girlfriend said "You dunce,                             
You have to try it once."                                   
Now he can't stop being fucky!                              
                                                            
67872 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



Said a timid young fellow named Ben,                        
I've been wantin' sex ever since when...                    
Do us all he-virgins                                        
Experience those urgin's?                                   
Or am I unique among men?"                                  
                                                            
67873 VIRGINS - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  815      



A brash adolescent named Lou,                               
Had just had his very first screw.                          
"It's the 'in' thing, a bang,                               
Louie bragged to his gang,                                  
"Like a wonderful wet dream come true!"                     
                                                            
67874 VIRGINS - MALE                                          



A lad at his first copulation,                              
Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,                        
Gyration, elation,                                          
Throughout the duration;                                    
I guess I'll give up masturbation.                          
                                                            
67875 VIRGINS - MALE                 Sam Schleman             



An innocent farmhand named Andy                             
Once got all his pleasure from candy,                       
Till the farmer's hot daughter                              
Taught him what Paw'd taught her...                         
Now he knows, more than candy, what's dandy!                
                                                            
67876 VIRGINS - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  827      



There was a shy fellow named Herb                           
Whom gals hardly ever disturb.                              
He's still puzzling out                                     
How a guy goes about                                        
Changing "SEX" from a noun to a verb.                       
                                                            
67877 VIRGINS - MALE                 Grand Prix Lim  254      



An innocent boy in Lapland,                                 
Was told that frigging was grand.                           
But at his first trial,                                     
He said with a smile,                                       
"I've had the same feeling by hand."                        
                                                            
67878 VIRGINS - MALE                                     L1287



The load that is pulled by a horse                          
Can represent quite a great force,                          
But it ain't as much work                                   
As put out by a jerk                                        
On the night of his first intercourse!                      
                                                            
67879 VIRGINS - MALE                 Mark Levy           P9707



There once was this boy so distraught,                      
Because screwing he'd never been taught.                    
Whereupon his first piece,                                  
As it slipped in her crease,                                
Yelled loudly, "What Hath God Wrought?"                     
                                                            
67880 VIRGINS - MALE                 Laurence Craft           



Said a prudish young lady of Trinity:                       
"Thank heavens I've got my virginity--                      
At least as to men!--                                       
I admit, now and then,                                      
I've stuffed objects about the vicinity."                   
                                                            
67881 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    G2220



There was a young girl from Samoa                           
Who said to a sailor named Noah:                            
"You can kiss me and squeeze me,                            
But remember, to please me,                                 
I'm allergic to spermatozoa."                               
                                                            
67882 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    G1605



A happy young bridegroom was Hadley                         
And in love with his bride very madly,                      
For she married, in fact,                                   
With her cherry intact,                                     
But her asshole was worn very badly.                        
                                                            
67883 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Albin Chaplin   3024-1348



We exhibit a peculiar taste                                 
In women after whom we have raced.                          
It's the loose we pursue,                                   
While the pure we eschew,                                   
For the ones that are chased are not chaste.                
                                                            
67884 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Bob Giandomenico    P9102



There was a young lady of Pecking,                          
Who indulged in a great deal of necking.                    
This seemed a great waste                                   
Since she claimed to be chaste;                             
This statement, however, needs checking.                    
                                                            
67885 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Anon                     



There once were three maids from St. Mary's,                
Who sold all their milk to the dairies.                     
They sold beans and tomatoes                                
For meat and potatoes--                                     
Soon all they had left were their cherries.                 
                                                            
67886 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Albin Chaplin       G1601



Here we have sun-lover Kerry,                               
Roasted as brown as a berry;                                
She's feeling so tender,                                    
You dare not upend 'er;                                     
I think she has burned up her cherry.                       
                                                            
67887 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



A boastful blonde virgin from Boulder,                      
Swore no man on earth had yet rolled her.                   
She was therefore dismayed,                                 
When her charms were displayed                              
On a Vegas massage parlor folder.                           
                                                            
67888 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    G1529



An old engineer name of Pete                                
Was giving a lady a treat.                                  
She could not understand                                    
What made fucking so grand,                                 
So he showed her a sketch of his meat.                      
                                                            
67889 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Albin Chaplin   3024-3002



A young man who ardently wooed                              
A girl he had never screwed,                                
Made no connection                                          
With his failed erection,                                   
And the break-up with the girl that ensued.                 
                                                            
67890 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Anon                     



At death's door lay Alicia Phipps.                          
No man had yet mounted her hips.                            
As sadly she waited,      (But one intern tried her,)       
One intern palpitated;    (And God! did he ride her.)       
She died with a smile on her lips.                          
                                                            
67891 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    G1592



I'm a young, inexperienced girl                             
And I don't yet know much of the world.                     
But my fantasies tingle                                     
When I dream of mingle-                                     
Ing with you, my dear, you are a pearl!                     
                                                            
67892 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



There was a young lady so nice,                             
She wore rubber pants filled with ice,                      
Which kept her so cool,                                     
She got halfway through school,                             
Without need of sexual advice.                              
                                                            
67893 VIRGINS - MAYBE                John Ciardi              



My betrothed is a Democrat true;                            
She hangs out with an unsavory crew;                        
She said, "Don't be simple;                                 
Although there's a dimple,                                  
My hymen's intact, still, for you!"                         
                                                            
67894 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Allen Wolverton          



But that's what my mother told me,                          
"To do," she said, "use a knee                              
To kick the man's groin,                                    
When he touches your loin;                                  
You've to defend your chastity."                            
                                                            
67895 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



A lady of virginal humours,                                 
Could only be screwed through her bloomers.                 
But one fatal day                                           
The bloomers gave way,                                      
Which fixed her for future consumers.                       
                                                            
67896 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    L0871



How sad for a girl called Charlotte,                        
That her name is so close to harlot.                        
She may have the rep                                        
And even the pep,                                           
Though she never has crotched a varlet.                     
                                                            
67897 VIRGINS - MAYBE                W. L. McAtee        G1756



Nancy, the lovely young coed,                               
Spent most of her nights with her legs spread.              
To show what you'd get,                                     
But not for free yet,                                       
To get it, sweet Nan you must wed.                          
                                                            
67898 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



Now hear me, she wasn't a tease;                            
You could lick it as much as you please.                    
If you did this a while,                                    
And made Nancy smile,                                       
Then Nancy'd get down on her knees!                         
                                                            
67899 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



I may not be able to throw                                  
The cider away, or say no                                   
To pies and their filling,                                  
But for this I am willing:                                  
Yes, celibacy's got to go.                                  
                                                            
67900 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Tiddy Ogg                



This girlie called Rhiannon Legge,                          
Plays so hard to get, though I beg                          
Her to do a strip tease,                                    
She hears not my pleas,                                     
And I can't get her onto my peg.                            
                                                            
67901 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



But no, you say she's under age,                            
And her dad will get into a rage.                           
But he's not to know,                                       
If she gives you a blow,                                    
While you flick your tongue round her cage.                 
                                                            
67902 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



Rhiannon's so sweet and so fair,                            
And for her I always will care.                             
But I'd travel to Dover,                                    
Just to get my leg over;                                    
When my dick drives, I haven't a care.                      
                                                            
67903 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



Got a letter from her, and it ran on,                       
"I've got a granddaughter, Rhiannon,                        
She's a beauty, so rare,                                    
And her love, G. St Clair,                                  
She says has a hell of a ram on."                           
                                                            
67904 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



So artless and simple was Rubik,                            
So innocent, sweet, and cherubic,                           
That he never would dare                                    
To consider one hair                                        
Of a matter suspected as pubic.                             
                                                            
67905 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2147



At the marriage bureau at Dover,                            
A finicky fellow named Stover                               
Said, "I want for a bride                                   
One whom no one has tried,                                  
Not a widow you have to warm over."                         
                                                            
67906 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Grand Prix Lim  439 G1543



There was a young woman named Eva                           
Who said no young man could deceive her;                    
That she'd always be sure                                   
To remain prime and pure;                                   
But somehow I do not believe her.                           
                                                            
67907 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Isaac Asimov             



There was a young miss from St. Simon,                      
Who sighed to her gentleman, "Why, man,                     
I've torn underwear,                                        
And you've worn off the hair,                               
And you've not even punctured my hymen!"                    
                                                            
67908 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    G1603



A pathetic old cynic named Rand                             
Hoped to marry a virgin as planned,                         
But sneered, "What are the odds                             
Out of all the world's bods,                                
I will get one that's not second hand."                     
                                                            
67909 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Armand E Singer       325



There are lots of "Good Girls", never fear;                 
Not all of them frigid or queer.                            
(At UConn I found                                           
Them a type to abound...                                    
The woods were just full of them, Dear!)                    
                                                            
67910 VIRGINS - MAYBE                MrMalo                   



(But that was four decades ago                              
And maybe today that's not so.                              
Did deforestration                                          
Cause great consternation?                                  
Where do those sweet darlings all go?)                      
                                                            
67911 VIRGINS - MAYBE                MrMalo                   



A chaste female lawyer from Trinity,                        
For men has acquired an affinity.                           
She found a neat loophole,                                  
By using her poophole,                                      
She still can retain her virginity.                         
                                                            
67912 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



To St. Peter, an ex-dean of Goucher,                        
Declared she had let no man touch her.                      
After carefull review,                                      
He let her pass through,                                    
But he shrugged as he OK'd her voucher.                     
                                                            
67913 VIRGINS - MAYBE                John Ciardi              



There was a young lady rotund,                              
For whom no young fellow had gunned.                        
For on going to bed                                         
She appeared to be dead,                                    
And she slept like an ox that was stunned.                  
                                                            
67914 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Albin Chaplin   3024-2270



A lady from old Amarillo,                                   
Mused, as she lay on her pillow,                            
If, and when I give in,                                     
Would it be a great sin,                                    
If it's only a small peccadillo?                            
                                                            
67915 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Barrie Collins      P9601



There was a young girl of Dalkeith,                         
With a hymen in need of relief.                             
So she went to the doctor                                   
Who prodded and shocked her,                                
And stretched it with fingers and teeth.                    
                                                            
67916 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    L0825



The stars shine so brightly tonight;                        
Your body on mine feels just right.                         
But something's amiss                                       
And it's spoiling our bliss.                                
Aren't virgins supposed to be tight?                        
                                                            
67917 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



It would seem to be dubious taste                           
For a beautiful girl to be chaste.                          
It's bad for her tissues                                    
Which suffer from disuse,                                   
And besides, it's a terrible waste.                         
                                                            
67918 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Isaac Asimov             



There was a young princess called Dagmar,                   
Who said, "I should so like to shag, Ma,"                   
And says she, "If you speaks                                
To the King of the Greeks,                                  
He will lend me his own tolliwag, Ma."                      
(Published 1870)(tolliwag - ??)                             
67919 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                    L0824



There once live a dame quite AUGUST,                        
Whose sex-life had been a big bust.                         
She said, "Let me see.                                      
I'm now sixty three,                                        
And uncross my legs now, I must!"                           
                                                            
67920 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Chris Papa               



A beautiful girl from the West                              
Had fake tits installed in her chest.                       
She told the young surgeon,                                 
"Did you know I'm a virgin?"                                
Anesthesia put that to the test.                            
                                                            
67921 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Anon                     



I like them so young and so pure;                           
Lovely soft spoken, demure.                                 
I'm talking eighteen,                                       
A real virgin queen.                                        
They're so much the better to skewer.                       
                                                            
67922 VIRGINS - MAYBE                MrMalo                   



Have your brain waves gone ever so flat?                    
I fear you will never find that                             
Real virgin queen;                                          
Not at age 18.                                              
Were you out in the sun with no hat?                        
                                                            
67923 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Frank Fazed              



Now I have been wearing my hat;                             
Finding virgins ain't hard as all that.                     
So I'll help you to steer ya';                              
I've narrow criteria;                                       
Look for girls who are ugly and fat.                        
                                                            
67924 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Frank Fazed              



I'm not picky as I used to be;                              
They all look scrumptions to me.                            
All softness and curves                                     
And a boon to us perves,                                    
And at my age, I can't hardly see.                          
                                                            
67925 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Frank Fazed              



Please pardon my brief inquisition,                         
It might be a source of derision.                           
These chubby unspoiled...                                   
Are they still unsoiled?                                    
What is it that's impaired your vision?                     
                                                            
67926 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Frank Fazed              



The reason I ask 'bout your sight                           
Is 'cause that I've had quite a fright.                     
I can't find one that's fat,                                
Or ugly, 'sides that...                                     
I've hair on my palms; that's not right.                    
                                                            
67927 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Frank Fazed              



Those types of girls do exist                               
And I'm living proof of this.                               
We're a dying breed,                                        
Activists are all peeved                                    
'Cause we're not on the endangered list!                    
                                                            
67928 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Claire                   



While boreal winters have no spark,                         
Adventurers still try to make mark                          
By seducing maids                                           
In the ice cream trades,                                    
To believe cherry's walk in the park.                       
                                                            
67929 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Daniel Ford              



In a bind was a seamstress of Hasting --                    
She spent her time sewing and basting.                      
It was needles(s) to say                                    
She did not mend her way,                                   
Sew it seems that her hole life was wasting.                
                                                            
67930 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Albin Chaplin   3024-1349



Arabella's a terrible prude:                                
She says, "Men are beasts.  Men are Lewd.                   
A girl has to watch                                         
Or a hand's on her crotch,                                  
And the next thing she knows, she is screwed."              
                                                            
67931 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Grand Prix Lim  172 G1594



There was an Old Lady of Prague,                            
Whose language was horribly vague;                          
When they said, "Are you chaste?"                           
She replied, "What a waste!"                                
She meant "chased" but her brain hit a snag.                
                                                            
67932 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Edwardian Leer 102       



Enough of my innocent state;                                
You've disrupted it, at any rate.                           
As experience vicarious                                     
Is much less precarious,                                    
I enjoy what you serve on this plate.                       
                                                            
67933 VIRGINS - MAYBE                                         



A cautious young fellow named Lynn                          
Said, "Always go easy with sin;                             
You have to be wary                                         
Of untested cherry;                                         
You're never quite sure where it's been."                   
                                                            
67934 VIRGINS - MAYBE                Armand E Singer       301



To the sound of his beat-up old clavier,                    
A satyr in Xenia named Xavier,                              
Pops girl's maidenheads                                     
In rumpled broad beds,                                      
With his highly unmusical behavior                          
                                                            
67935 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  G0550



A cowardly baker, none cowarder,                            
Liked a sweet piece of cake so he showered her,             
From her buns to her head                                   
With the makings of bread;                                  
Then it is said, he de-floured her.                         
                                                            
67936 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Pierce Evans             



An Everest climber named Baer                               
Attacked a young virgin at prayer.                          
And on a mere whim,                                         
He punctured her quim,                                      
Quite simply because it was there.                          
(apologies to Mallory)                                      
67937 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Armand E Singer       200



Before she was voted Miss Teen,                             
She was virginal, pure, and pristine.                       
But in our society,                                         
Her former propriety                                        
Had vanished before it was missed e'en.                     
                                                            
67938 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Laurence Perrine    P8811



A middle-aged doctor named Saul,                            
Met an innocent girl in late fall.                          
Though he bought her no ring,                               
Long before the next spring,                                
She wasn't a virgin at all.                                 
                                                            
67939 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Popsicle           TP9807



There was a young girl named Venus,                         
Who had never encountered a penis.                          
When Van Stone threw his in,                                
It went up to her chin,                                     
For the bore, not the stroke, was the meanest.              
                                                            
67940 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  L0904



There once was a girl from Berlin,                          
Who lost her virginity to a Finn.                           
Now her cherry's gone bad,                                  
But don't feel too sad,                                     
She still has the box it came in.                           
                                                            
67941 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



There was a young virgin named Happ                         
Who lost it while taking a nap.                             
She woke up to find,                                        
In front and behind,                                        
Her brother, three Jews, and a Jap.                         
                                                            
67942 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Armand E Singer       456



There was a young virgin named Alice,                       
Who thought of her cunt as a chalice.                       
One night, sleeping nude,                                   
She awoke feeling lewd,                                     
And found in her chalice, a phallus.                        
                                                            
67943 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  L0805



An intrepid explorer named Jones,                           
Met a virgin and jumped on her bones.                       
As they screwed, he drew charts                             
Of her various parts,                                       
And her private erogenous zones.                            
                                                            
67944 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Peter Wilkins            



A young vegetarian, Kerry;                                  
She lived upon nuts and on berries.                         
But as she grew older,                                      
He boyfriends grew bolder,                                  
And soon the dear girl lost her cherry.                     
                                                            
67945 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Tiddy Ogg                



There was a mechanic whose bench                            
Contained every manner of wrench.                           
But he'd none in his truck,                                 
For in it he'd pluck                                        
Luscious cherries with tools that were French!              
                                                            
67946 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



There once was a young girl from Kentucky                   
Who was still a virgin, and lucky.                          
She knew not the desire                                     
Charles had from afar,                                      
And he took her cherry did Chucky.                          
                                                            
67947 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



Emotions of fearful complexity                              
Cause many a virgin perplexity;                             
But hormones dictate                                        
Her concavity's fate,                                       
As the target of laddish convexity.                         
                                                            
67948 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Peter Wilkins            



Beware of the virgin in heat,                               
For though you may love tender meat,                        
The hazards, it's said,                                     
Make a new maidenhead                                       
Far too costly a meat for a treat.                          
                                                            
67949 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  212      



I ask you now, What could be horrida?                       
I met, nude, in a Tampa Inn corrida,                        
A virgin in bloom                                           
Locked out of her room,                                     
So I took her to mine and de-Florida.                       
                                                            
67950 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Laurence Perrine    P9206



I love how with kisses you shower me.                       
I ache for your lips to devour me.                          
An innocent virgin                                          
I be, but I'm urgin'                                        
You -- Screw me! Debauch me! Deflower me!                   
                                                            
67951 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Peter Wilkins            



Travelin' backwards and forward in Time 'n                  
Working on timin' and rhymin',                              
Chastity's what I search for.                               
I'm left in the lurch for                                   
I still haven't found a whole hymen.                        
                                                            
67952 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



An inquisitive virgin named Dora,                           
Asked the man who had started to bore 'er:                  
"Do you mean birds and bees                                 
Go through antics like these,                               
To supply us our fauna and flora?"                          
                                                            
67953 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  313 G1543



Innocent young Miss Mahoney                                 
Heard that love was a lot of baloney.                       
But the lass never knew                                     
It was literally true,                                      
Till fed the baloney by Tony.                               
                                                            
67954 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  G1582



My hymen was torn long ago,                                 
I found it so hard to say no.                               
He whipped out his meat,                                    
And turned up the heat,                                     
And I went along with the flow.                             
                                                            
67955 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Your first sounds much better than mine,                    
'Cause my mind was besotted with wine.                      
I remember the sea                                          
And having to pee;                                          
And my pussy just stinging from brine!                      
                                                            
67956 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Some cad poked a thingy in you;                             
Was it just for someting to do?                             
Was it done with real feeling,                              
Or did you stare at the ceiling?                            
I hope you aren't feeling too blue!                         
                                                            
67957 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



"Well, I tried to enjoy this sex biz,                       
And allow for that premature jizz...                        
But I really must say,                                      
'Twas a high price to pay,                                  
Per the lyrics..."Is that all there is...?"                 
                                                            
67958 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Reminds me, my very best shag                               
Took place in a warm sleeping bag,                          
At twenty below,                                            
Under three feet of snow,                                   
Where her mom couldn't find us to nag...                    
                                                            
67959 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



Or was it that warm mossy bank,                             
Into which we so gratefully sank,                           
While the bright summer sun                                 
Added warmth to our fun,                                    
In undergrowth otherwise dank?                              
                                                            
67960 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



Or maybe that time in the cave,                             
Isabella just wasn't so brave.                              
She clung to me tight,                                      
Till I made it all right,                                   
While pretending to be her love slave.                      
                                                            
67961 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



In the steeple that time sure was swell;                    
We got thrashing and pounding like hell.                    
'Til a rope from above                                      
Got caught in our love,                                     
And our lovemaking sure rang the bell                       
                                                            
67962 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



Or maybe that time in my car,                               
She said, "Johnny, Oh, don't go so far!"                    
Though I got my way                                         
By the end of the day,                                      
She thought I was her shining star.                         
                                                            
67963 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



That time through the high chain link fence                 
At the base's perimeter defense:                            
Uncomfortable, sure,                                        
But that girl had allure;                                   
At the time it just seemed to make sense                    
                                                            
67964 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



And there really is plenty to say                           
For a sweet country roll in the hay,                        
With a girl who won't snitch                                
(Though your hides will sure itch                           
And there's seeds in your hair the next day).               
                                                            
67965 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



I didn't try sex in a bed                                   
Until I was comfortably wed.                                
But even today                                              
Sex any way,                                                
Beats work I'd be doing instead                             
                                                            
67966 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



There once was a natural prancer                            
Who earned super fees as a dancer.                          
To help out a virgin                                        
Who feels nature's urgin',                                  
He's willing to be a free lancer.                           
                                                            
67967 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Bill Backe-Hansen   P8807



By the process of careful deduction,                        
The effect is the general reduction,                        
Of the virgae intactae.                                     
As a matter of fact, I                                      
Believe the correct term is fuction.                        
                                                            
67968 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



I don't even dare to name "B";                              
Her husband's a friend of mine, see,                        
Whose bride lacked a cherry;                                
'Twould piss him off (very)                                 
To learn that she gave it to me.                            
                                                            
67969 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Miller              



I see from your posts, you're a pervy;                      
A virgin defiler most nervy.                                
I could tell (good hintin'!)                                
You're much worse than Clinton;                             
A scumbag with a bad case of scurvy.                        
                                                            
67970 VIRGINS - SCREWED              MrMalo                   



Quitting I don't want to do,                                
So I guess I can now come to you.                           
Since you've virgins many,                                  
And I don't have any,                                       
I'm sure you can spare me a few.                            
                                                            
67971 VIRGINS - SCREWED              MrMalo                   



You're right; these days virgins are rare,                  
And I'm glad you have plenty to spare.                      
I wonder, of course,                                        
Just what is your source --                                 
Do you run, by some chance, a day care?                     
                                                            
67972 VIRGINS - SCREWED              MrMalo                   



A newspaper owner named Fred                                
Would lure a young virgin to bed                            
And next day refuse                                         
To publish "The News"                                       
Because the sheets already read.                            
                                                            
67973 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Eos                 P8502



There was a lewd fellow named Long--                        
Short on wit but immense in the prong.                      
He preferred to fuck virgins,                               
And with his carnal urgin's                                 
He'd helped scores of young ladies go wrong.                
                                                            
67974 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  G1577



Up for rape, the outrageous Lord Spurgeon                   
Made these comments in court without urgin':                
"I concur," court reports,                                  
"I'm no good at some sports;                                
I once made a hole in one -- virgin."                       
                                                            
67975 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Armand E Singer       946



A lady who overly lusted                                    
Was frequently opened and thrusted.                         
When the baby came due,                                     
It was female too,                                          
And its hymen was already busted.                           
                                                            
67976 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



It's known as the Wedding Night prayer--                    
The hymn that the hymen's still there.                      
As inch-inch you inch,                                      
Was...was that a flinch?                                    
While ear-cocked, you hearken the tear.                     
                                                            
67977 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Irving Superior     P9008



There was an old maid named Ewing                           
Who'd heard many tales about screwing.                      
For these unknown joys                                      
To be had with the boys,                                    
She thought that this joy needed viewing.                   
                                                            
67978 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Clarence E. Boyle   P9011



So she thought of a scheme quite uncanny,                   
As she dreamed of Joe, Frank, or Danny.                     
Buying ice on the cuff                                      
And when credit got rough,                                  
When he came to collect, offer fanny.                       
                                                            
67979 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Clarence E. Boyle   P9011



When the iceman his money he sought it,                     
She offered her ass and he caught it.                       
Said, "That evens the score."                               
But she cried, "Oh no, more!                                
It's two bits a piece like I bought it.!"                   
                                                            
67980 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Clarence E. Boyle   P9011



Said a girl to a fruit-picker, Schmidt,                     
"A sweet cherry you'll find in my slit."                    
Replied Schmidt, up her flue,                               
"What you say may be true,                                  
But I never have seen such a pit."                          
                                                            
67981 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0600



There was a young man named Nat,                            
Who showed all the girls where it's at,                     
With his hard love snake,                                   
Their hymen's he'd break,                                   
But I guess you already know that.                          
                                                            
67982 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



A randy young wardsman named Reg,                           
Takes nurses out back of the hedge;                         
With wine he will ply 'em,                                  
While breaking their hymen                                  
With inches of stiff cartilige.                             
                                                            
67983 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Archie                   



The first love of a lady named Ederle,                      
Found her hymen obstructed him steadily.                    
But he merely rubbed lard on                                
The end of his hard on,                                     
And then found he entered quite readily.                    
                                                            
67984 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  L0832



There was a teenager named Clem,                            
Who referred to all girls as "Oh--them."                    
Then one night his dad                                      
Stopped to say "Good night, lad,"                           
And withdrew with, "Oh, well now--ahem!"                    
                                                            
67985 VIRGINS - SCREWED              John Ciardi              



"It's my code", said a mailman named Drew,                  
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.                            
If virgins, when nervous,                                   
Resist postal service,                                      
I explain that the male must get through."                  
                                                            
67986 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



I was spellbound -- such awsome manpower --                 
It was really like taking a shower;                         
She'll need a sou'wester                                    
Of strong polyester,                                        
The next virgin that you deflower.                          
                                                            
67987 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Anon                     



What the marital manuals say --                             
No surprise to the wise fiance --                           
Is the cherry's expendable                                  
(And it's verily vendible),                                 
That its pitting is fitting today.                          
                                                            
67988 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Thomas A. Quinine   P8405



To his dad said a lad name of Neals,                        
"I'm aware how a piece of ass feels,                        
For I've had my first screw,                                
And I'll have some more, too,                               
Just as soon as my orifice heals."                          
                                                            
67989 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-0942



Our neighbor's young daughter, Christine,                   
Was recently voted Miss Teen.                               
He at first was elated                                      
But now he is sated,                                        
For Christine is no longer pristine.                        
                                                            
67990 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Laurence Perrine    P8811



A virgin who lived in Iago                                  
Was fucked by a bum from Chicago.                           
When he wouldn't get wed,                                   
She audibly said                                            
Several rude things beginning with "Ah, go--"               
                                                            
67991 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  G2371



Said the beat on his pad with a yawn,                       
"So now you're no virgin, Miss Dawn...                      
But in Greenwich Village                                    
There's no hymen to pillage,                                
For gals, once they're had, are long gone!"                 
                                                            
67992 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  447      



Once she gave taste of her feast                            
And screamed like some savage lust-beast,                   
He'd no longer wank it                                      
Or yank it or spank it,                                     
After he'd sunk in her piece.                               
                                                            
67993 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



So Pete thinks his meat he will beat;                       
In virgins he'll meet in the heat.                          
But above age thirteen                                      
There are none to be seen,                                  
And the cops then will have you, tout suite.                
                                                            
67994 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



A Frenchman with infatuation,                               
For his girlfriends's first menstruation,                   
Said, "Now that you're ten,                                 
I am putting it in;                                         
That hole's not just for urination."                        
                                                            
67995 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



High priced or just cheap, up to you!                       
No fault if you pick just a few.                            
A hymen's a waste,                                          
No sense to be chaste,                                      
Be true to thos few who you do!                             
                                                            
67996 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Archie                   



Entirely unbroached was our Dinah,                          
Till a fellow from North Carolina                           
With sweet talk and bourbon                                 
Rode her interurban,                                        
And nothing he avows, could be finah!                       
                                                            
67997 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  691      



All her life Kay had stayed sweet and pure,                 
Till a coxswain named Buster McClure...                     
With a promise to marry,                                    
He busted her cherry,                                       
Proving nothing these days is secure.                       
                                                            
67998 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  157      



A virginal damsel named Stout                               
Said she knew what all men think about...                   
The butcher and baker,                                      
They both failed to make her,                               
But the damn candlemaker made out!                          
                                                            
67999 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  307      



An elderly fellow named Munts                               
Had a grand fascination with cunts.                         
But he cried and he cried                                   
On the day that he died,                                    
For he'd only been into one once.                           
                                                            
68000 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Cap'n Bean               



A suspicious young mother from Maine                        
Found the sheets soaking wet with red stain.                
Said she to her daughter                                    
As soon as she caught her,                                  
"What's been ruptured to hell's not your brain!"            
                                                            
68001 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Armand E Singer       347



A frustrated virgin named Pugh                              
Once dreamed she was having a screw.                        
Repenting her sin,                                          
She awoke with chagrin                                      
At finding it perfectly true.                               
                                                            
68002 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  G1596



Down in Rome, Washburn Child,                               
A lecherous fellow and wild--                               
Like his buddy, King Vic,                                   
He likes thrusting his prick,                               
Into twats hitherto undefiled.                              
                                                            
68003 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  L1685



Like snow, you are driven, but pure!                        
But darlin', here's one thing for sure:                     
In here a young virgin                                      
Will get a quick purgin';                                   
For purity, we've got the cure!                             
                                                            
68004 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



The maidenheads popping next door                           
Are getting to be quite a bore,                             
For it's only with virgins                                  
Neighbor Jock has sex urgin's--                             
We long ago quit keeping score.                             
                                                            
68005 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  G1542



Since a young demoiselle has a treasure                     
That's reserved for the conjugal pleasure,                  
Should she cease to be chaste                               
She must marry in haste...                                  
And repent of this measure at leasure.                      
                                                            
68006 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Thomas A. Quinine   P8405



If her hymen proves highly resistant,                       
Keep hard at it, Man...be persistent!                       
Just get on the phone                                       
If you fail it alone,                                       
And I'll gladly come in as assistant!"                      
                                                            
68007 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  821      



A lad once subjected to shame                               
A pious old spinster named Mame.                            
Twas a shock, we all know;                                  
She now rocks to and fro                                    
And she stares at his pants in a frame.                     
                                                            
68008 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1390



There was a young lass named Jennifer,                      
Who one day wondered what men were fer.                     
She discovered one day,                                     
When she let them play,                                     
Amongst her silky den of fur.                               
                                                            
68009 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



So its safe to say you're a virgin,                         
Since in these parts we're not counting kin.                
But still, you're a ho,                                     
'Cause the dogs that you blow.                              
So little princess, sit and spin!                           
                                                            
68010 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



There once was a woman named Kate,                          
Who had never been out on a date.                           
She had her best screw                                      
With an old leather shoe,                                   
And said, "I have found my sole mate."                      
                                                            
68011 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Puff Adder               



I banged shoe-loving Kate with my root;                     
Even buggered her bum with my snoot!                        
I licked her and teased her                                 
But nothing could please her.                               
"Bend over! I'll give you the boot!"                        
                                                            
68012 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Hungarian Rhymarian      



When you guys had old Kate in your clinches,                
She considered both of you Grinches.                        
Out, she was put;                                           
She thought that a foot                                     
Was always composed of twelve inches.                       
                                                            
68013 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Irish                    



There once was a physicist named White                      
Who traveled much faster than light.                        
She got raped one day,                                      
In a relative way,                                          
But still was a virgin that night!                          
                                                            
68014 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Jim Weaver Collection    



Mae's resistance when fondled was scant,                    
So her cherry went west with young Brant.                   
Now her brother, Garfunkel,                                 
Is a much-surprised uncle,                                  
And Annie her sister's an aunt.                             
                                                            
68015 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                  G1716



A virgin is tender and dear,                                
But much like a bubble, I fear.                             
The virgin and bubble                                       
Each face the same trouble,                                 
For a prick will make both disappear.                       
                                                            
68016 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-2010



I've just seen an angel of beauty;                          
An innocent virginal cutie.                                 
I think I should give 'er                                   
One up to her liver;                                        
De-flowering her's surely my duty!                          
                                                            
68017 VIRGINS - SCREWED                                       



There was a young girl of Beirut                            
Who swore she had never been put.                           
She said, on her honor,                                     
No hand laid upon her,                                      
But it looked like some man laid his foot.                  
                                                            
68018 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1311



I remember as if it were yester-                            
day, back when desire 'gan to fester;                       
That first kiss on the lips                                 
Flicked a switch on my hips --                              
But I had to wait three years to test her.                  
                                                            
68019 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Robin K. Willoughby P8502



The lustful desires of Joe Spurgeon                         
He prefers to expend on a virgin.                           
In an unexplored cwithe                                     
Goes his big monolith...                                    
Causing many a virgin to burgeon.                           
                                                            
68020 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Grand Prix Lim  865      



There was a young girl of Madrid,                           
Who said she had never been rid.                            
When an old steamboat oiler                                 
One day did despoil her,                                    
She said, "You must undo what you did!"                     
                                                            
68021 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Albin Chaplin   3024-1367



A tyke saw a maid and said nowt,                            
But she for his love would give owt.                        
They supped by a beck;                                      
She gave him a peck.                                        
"For thissen, my cherry, no doubt!"                         
                                                            
68022 VIRGINS - SCREWED              OgniGioia                



A delectable virgin named Pruett                            
Had a boyfriend who wanted to Do It!                        
That her groove was unused,                                 
He was greatly enthused . . .                               
But the rest you will doubtless intuit.                     
                                                            
68023 VIRGINS - SCREWED              Thomas A. Quinine   P8406



A virginal maid of Trastevere                               
Told her steady she hadn't been ever a                      
Real easy make,                                             
But for St Peter's sake,                                    
Should she go to her last sleep with never a...?            
                                                            
68024 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      John P McKnight     P0303



A starry-eyed virgin named Carrie                           
Planned a candlelight dinner for Harry.                     
She was sure to impress                                     
In that black leather dress,                                
Which, alas, sealed the fate of her cherry.                 
                                                            
68025 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Lims For Year - 01       



A formerly prudish young maiden,                            
Had decided her cherry to trade in.                         
Her chastity bored her,                                     
A man then would board her,                                 
And she bought a new bed to get laid in.                    
                                                            
68026 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Straydog                 



I once knew a woman named Carrie,                           
Whose lust for me was quite scary.                          
She sucked me in the halls,                                 
And she played with my balls,                               
And then I busted her cherry.                               
                                                            
68027 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jim Weaver Collection    



A passionate virgin named Pruitt                            
Was raped in the woods by a druid.                          
She cried, her breath bated:                                
"Oh God! how I've waited!                                   
I don't care what you do--just do it!"                      
                                                            
68028 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                          G1595



Now and then, he encounters a virgin                        
Who won't yield to his pleadin' and urgin'.                 
But she's usually screwed                                   
After she has been wooed                                    
With champagne and eggs from the sturgeon.                  
                                                            
68029 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Arnie Schoenbrun    P0209



A young virgin without petticoat,                           
On a waterbed with an old goat,                             
"I'm a person," she said                                    
As her clothing was shed,                                   
But he thinks that she's his cherry float.                  
                                                            
68030 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Al Willis           P9511



A virgin, looking on in surprise,                           
Said, "I just can't believe my eyes!                        
A dick so divine,                                           
How can I decline?                                          
Come take me between my thighs."                            
                                                            
68031 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jen                      



A deb with a rich date at cotillion,                        
Said, "I'll let you in for a million."                      
How she quivvered and bucked!                               
She had never been fucked,                                  
And stained his fair tool deep vermillion.                  
                                                            
68032 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Straydog                 



I travel the world all around                               
But never get over the sound                                
Of a young maiden's shriek,                                 
As she takes her first peek                                 
At the marvel she's finally found.                          
                                                            
68033 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Mark Levy           P9702



Bess was a virgin quite pure                                
And was softspoken and demure.                              
She was excited                                             
And quite delighted;                                        
Thoughts of her first time allured.                         
                                                            
68034 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jim Weaver Collection    



Horatio, aware of her purities,                             
Set Bess' mind at ease.                                     
He, without a doubt,                                        
Knew all ins and outs;                                      
He's no stranger to promiscuity.                            
                                                            
68035 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a fellow named Jerry,                        
Who the ladies all thought was a fairy.                     
So a lady one night                                         
Slipped him in out of sight;                                
Proved them wrong by losing her cherry.                     
                                                            
68036 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Rick H                   



Young Eloise said: "I'm not jokin',                         
It's time that my hymen was broken."                        
Thus she was beseeching,                                    
And Heaven I'm reaching,                                    
While El's fire I am stokin'.                               
                                                            
68037 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Tiddy                    



An ignorant virgin of Dee,                                  
Entertained a man's cock just to see                        
If the damn thing would fit.                                
It went off in her pit,                                     
And she cried, "Hey! That's no place to pee!"               
                                                            
68038 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                          L0827



A deflorate of old Corner Brook,                            
Still impaled on her gentleman's hook,                      
Was impelled to remark,                                     
Lying there in the dark,                                    
"It was just like it said in the book!"                     
                                                            
68039 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Keith MacMillan       20c



A moral young lady named Lynn                               
Rejected an offer to sin,                                   
But she said, when young Decker                             
Slipped her one foot of pecker,                             
"Let it stay for a while, since it's in."                   
                                                            
68040 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Albin Chaplin   3024-1363



Said a prudish young person named Reed,                     
"The gross way that we humans breed,                        
Viewed coldly, looks frightful,                             
Though I'm told it's delightful,                            
So if you don't mind, let's proceed."                       
                                                            
68041 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Grand Prix Lim  782 G2470



Said a certain young woman named Amy,                       
"I am seeking a fellow to tame me,                          
And teach me the newer                                      
Mad routes to l'amour                                       
For to stay virgin longer, will shame me."                  
                                                            
68042 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Isaac Asimov             



The chasteness Susan defended,                              
When lost, her ordeal was ended.                            
She cried with joy                                          
And thanked the boy                                         
Who had made her day so splendid.                           
                                                            
68043 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Paul Westwood       P9607



There once was a passionate Celt,                           
Who'd an urge to know how it felt.                          
One went in, hard and straight,                             
But her heat was so great,                                  
That she found she had caused it to melt.                   
                                                            
68044 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                          L0819



A lovely pubescent from Brewer                              
Remarked as Pete's pod went into her,                       
"Can a thing be so nice                                     
And yet be a vice?                                          
I'd rather be punctured than pure!"                         
                                                            
68045 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Grand Prix Lim  707      



Valentines' and the roses are red;                          
Petals scattered all over the bed.                          
But no prayer to St. Michael                                
Could vary her cycle;                                       
She wanted it hard, so she bled.                            
                                                            
68046 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                               



Archaeologist, Robert de Missen                             
Once was put in an awkward position.                        
On a dig he dug up                                          
Several nice silver cups,                                   
And some statues, engaged in coition.                       
                                                            
68047 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Mike Dale                



He said "This is too much for me,                           
Though I'm fifty a virgin I be."                            
But examining each,                                         
He soon burst into speech:                                  
"Ah so that's how it's done!  Now I see!"                   
                                                            
68048 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jim Weaver Collection    



So he went straightaway to a whore,                         
Whom he'd noticed in town just before.                      
And said he would pay,                                      
For his very first lay,                                     
But she said "Newbies have to pay more!"                    
                                                            
68049 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jim Weaver Collection    



The ensuing sexual relations,                               
Were for him, no surprise revelation.                       
And as well, erudition                                      
For the statue's position,                                  
He confirmed by experimentation                             
                                                            
68050 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jim Weaver Collection    



I once screwed a virginal chick;                            
She went from most modest to quick.                         
She thought it a sin,                                       
But when I put it in,                                       
She gave a perversional lick!                               
                                                            
68051 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      CM                       



I once screwed a virginal chick,                            
Using my blade that was thick.                              
And all through the day                                     
I'd finger and play                                         
And everyone said "that was slick!"                         
                                                            
68052 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                               



There was an old maid of Algiers                            
Who was raped by two young cavaliers.                       
She had never been screwed                                  
But knew how to be lewd;                                    
She had practiced the motions for years.                    
                                                            
68053 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Albin Chaplin   3024-1304



The eager yet stainless Miss Sturgeon,                      
Who seemingly needed no urgin',                             
At one grievous juncture                                    
Did suffer a puncture;                                      
That ended her days as a virgin.                            
                                                            
68054 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Armand E Singer        25



A young miden sat in her bower                              
Immediately after her shower.                               
In her sheer negligee,                                      
Her young man heard her say,                                
"I am ready right now to deflower."                         
                                                            
68055 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Harold                   



A charming young lady named Gail                            
Was having her first piece of tail,                         
And this girl, sweet and pure,                              
Felt completely secure                                      
With her scabby old scrofulous male.                        
                                                            
68056 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Albin Chaplin   3024-1715



The virgins of Pelopennesus                                 
Were many and prayed, "Oh, Sweet Jesus!                     
Send men in great flocks                                    
With miracle cocks,                                         
And stamina, Lord, to decrease us!"                         
                                                            
68057 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Travis Brasell           



Said a freelove professor named Legman,                     
To a passel of virgins who'd beg 'im,                       
"Strip down to the nude                                     
If you want to get screwed,                                 
Or the sheets will get mixed blood and egg in 'em."         
                                                            
68058 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                          G1575



She's out on the town is young Kerry;                       
The vodka and lime make her merry.                          
And now she won't fight,                                    
For this is the night                                       
She's willing to give up her cherry.                        
                                                            
68059 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Archie                   



I once knew a lady so hairy,                                
With pubic hair so dense, it's scary.                       
From navel to knees                                         
Enough, sure, to please                                     
The man who, at last, picked her cherry.                    
                                                            
68060 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Jeanie                   



After seven attempts failed to bust her,                    
The bride told her groom, "You're all bluster.              
If my conjugal bliss                                        
Don't get better than this,                                 
I can muster a far better thruster."                        
                                                            
68061 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                               



This gal finally rang up my sister,                         
And implored her for help for her mister.                   
Sis passed on to me                                         
Her dearest friends plea;                                   
Now I'm nursing a bone with a blister.                      
                                                            
68062 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                               



An innocent maiden of Clewer,                               
Incited her boyfriend to screw her.                         
She tried to say no,                                        
A half second slow,                                         
And now when she sits, she says "Oo-er!"                    
                                                            
68063 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER                          L0821



A Victorian young lady named Ewing,                         
Had surpressed any passion for screwing.                    
But one day, feeling chipper,                               
She unzipped a man's zipper,                                
Which promoted a virgin's undoing.                          
                                                            
68064 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Albin Chaplin   3024-2964



She'd never gone farther than kissing,                      
And still used her thing just for pissing.                  
The first time was painful                                  
And terribly stainful,                                      
But she found out just what she'd been missing.             
                                                            
68065 VIRGINS - SCREWED - EAGER      Mr Malo                  



A young virgin named Eleanor,                               
Who dreaded what she thought in store,                      
Was pleased to the bone                                     
IMPERVIOUS zone                                             
Was breached and she soon asked for more.                   
                                                            
68066 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Chris Papa               



Whenever a virgin would beckon,                             
I'd give it my best, but I reckon                           
Not one of them came.                                       
If results were so lame,                                    
Why'd all of them come back for seconds?                    
                                                            
68067 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      John Miller              



The old saddle trick comes in handy                         
When your mother suspects you are randy.                    
You say it's the horse;                                     
She'll believe you, of course,                              
Though your cherry was stole by a dandy.                    
                                                            
68068 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Kathi Webster            



If "time in the saddle" you use                             
To explain hymenal abuse,                                   
To Mom or to Dad,                                           
They'll explain you've been had:                            
Means the same as a fuck, just a ruse.                      
                                                            
68069 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      MrMalo                   



And I wouldn't go blaming no horse                          
As an intact reversal resource.                             
Mommy would whine                                           
"You've been fucking equine!"                               
(But you meant the saddle, of course.)                      
                                                            
68070 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      MrMalo                   



A virgin you are?  What a waste.                            
I'll teach you, my dear, so make haste;                     
Kneel down 'twixt my thighs,                                
For a tasty surprise                                        
And a faceful of glutinous paste.                           
                                                            
68071 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Peter Wilkins            



Well dammit, I almost forgot                                
While watching you swallow the lot,                         
That technically still                                      
You're a virgin until                                       
You've experienced meat in your twat.                       
                                                            
68072 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Peter Wilkins            



So while you're still licking it off,                       
Your tiny white panties I'll doff,                          
And blow your sweet mind,                                   
With the bump and the grind                                 
Of a quite unforgettable boff.                              
                                                            
68073 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Peter Wilkins            



While reading this group, all too trusting,                 
I stumble on verses disgusting,                             
Since everyone knows                                        
When a neophyte blows,                                      
Jism's left on her face until crusting.                     
                                                            
68074 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young virgin of Dover,                          
Who was fucked in the woods by a drover.                    
When the going got hard,                                    
He greased her with lard,                                   
Which felt nice, so they started all over.                  
                                                            
68075 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY                          L0830



An innocent lady named Scott                                
Was taught to be righteous in thought.                      
It's a terrible waste                                       
To remain pure and chaste;                                  
It's more fun to be chased and then caught.                 
                                                            
68076 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin   3204-2785



An innocent damsel in Wooster,                              
Remarked as Bill Brewster seduced her,                      
"Until I was made,                                          
I am rather afraid                                          
I believed that a cock was a rooster."                      
                                                            
68077 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Grand Prix Lim  882      



He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy,                
Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.                   
Then his gargantuan pole in                                 
Her pink, tight, and swollen,                               
Young cunt, just about drove her crazy.                     
                                                            
68078 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      John Newbern        G0050



Mom told her, "When boys want to date you                   
They think that it means penetrate you.                     
They are driven by lust;                                    
There's not one you can trust.                              
They may even use drugs to sedate you."                     
                                                            
68079 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jemstone                 



"We know, Mom", said daughter, "Don't scold 'em.            
They just do what their fathers have sold 'em.              
They think we're the prize,                                 
But we know about guys --                                   
They don't penetrate us - we enfold 'em!                    
                                                            
68080 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jemstone                 



A sexy young fellow named Simon                             
Was anything else but a shy man.                            
It maked him so merry                                       
To pluck every cherry;                                      
Are you sure that his name isn't Hymen.                     
                                                            
68081 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Tom Patton               



Of her "opening night" near Fort Bliss,                     
She explained, "It began with a kiss.                       
Then it ended in bed                                        
With a torn maidenhead,                                     
And my eyeballs both rolling like THIS!"                    
                                                            
68082 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Grand Prix Lim  224 G1550



A lass from Peru, Illinois,                                 
Was suffused with a feeling of joy,                         
When she found that the place                               
Of that feminine space                                      
Was outstanding when part of a boy.                         
                                                            
68083 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Keith MacMillan     A045C



A merry fruit-picker of Gary                                
Was thrilled when he tried Mary's cherry                    
On the day before Christmas                                 
On the Panama Isthmus;                                      
So he shared his banana with Mary.                          
                                                            
68084 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1264



A misinformed lady was Gertie;                              
She had her first fuck at age thirty.                       
She said, "It is clear                                      
That my mother was queer,                                   
For she told me that fucking was dirty."                    
                                                            
68085 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1345



The first time, she said, "Boy go to it!"                   
I grinned and asked her to review it.                       
We lit cigarettes.                                          
"It's funny how sex..."                                     
I said, "What?" She said, "...how you do it."               
                                                            
68086 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Mr Malo                  



There was a young girl of Baghdad                           
Who swore she would never be had,                           
But there came an Italian                                   
With a prick like a stallion                                
And she said as she spread, "I am glad."                    
                                                            
68087 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin   3024-0388



There was an old maid named of Holden                       
Whom aging began to embolden;                               
At last she succumbed,                                      
And thoroughly plumbed,                                     
She found all the good days weren't olden.                  
                                                            
68088 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Armand E Singer       491



This snobbish young virgin named Lynn,                      
Was always so frightened of men.                            
When she got through,                                       
Her very first screw,                                       
She was wearing a shit-eating grin!                         
(also called a coprophagic smile - McW)                     
68089 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Laurence Craft           



There was an Old Man of the Isles,                          
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;                        
He sang while he diddled,                                   
And otherwise fiddled                                       
With the virgins he always defiles.                         
                                                            
68090 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Edwardian Leer 059       



There was a young virgin of Worchester,                     
Who said when her boyfriend seduced her,                    
"With his cock and his eggs                                 
In between my spread legs,                                  
I felt like a hen with a rooster."                          
                                                            
68091 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jim Weaver Collection    



An astonished young lady named Coward,                      
Remarked, after being deflowered,                           
"I knew that connection                                     
Was made in that section,                                   
But not that it's so damned high-powered."                  
                                                            
68092 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Grand Prix Lim 242  G1564



There was an old lady named Smither;                        
It seems that no man had fun with her.                      
Till a tailor named Clem                                    
Lifted up on her hem,                                       
And Miss Smither was left in a dither.                      
                                                            
68093 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1394



A desperate spinster named Hyatt                            
Got the cops coming out for a riot.                         
"After years an old maid,                                   
And at last getting laid,"                                  
She explained, "I just couldn't keep quiet!"                
                                                            
68094 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY                          G1566



I once fucked a repectable virgin                           
Who needed a damn lot of urgin',                            
But she'd always react                                      
With more vigor than tact                                   
When she felt the hot semen come surgin'.                   
                                                            
68095 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY                          G1626



Said the old man, "I'll sell you my land,                   
But it's sacred to me where we stand.                       
My first piece of ass                                       
Was right here in this grass;                               
I hope, sir, that you'll understand."                       
                                                            
68096 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      John Miller 0056         



Said the buyer, "I understand well,                         
We'll leave you this one little dell."                      
Said the man, "And that wood                                
Where her dear mother stood,                                
And watched us, I also won't sell."                         
                                                            
68097 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      John Miller 0056a        



He was asked, "Are you handing me crud?                     
...Did she threaten and call for your blood?"               
Said the man, "I recall                                     
She said nothing at all,                                    
Just went right on chewing her cud."                        
                                                            
68098 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      John Miller 0056b        



He noticed her fine apparatus,                              
And offered himself to her, gratis.                         
Though she was a virgin,                                    
His incessant urgin',                                       
Soon moved her to new social status!                        
                                                            
68099 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Observer                 



She said, "It's the end of December;                        
This new year will be one to remember.                      
A new group I've begun,                                     
And already it's fun.                                       
I've admitted my very first member."                        
                                                            
68100 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Murphy                   



A young man from old Glastonbury                            
Had reason for making it merry.                             
The boss's young daughter                                   
Gave more than she oughter,                                 
And he had just taken her cherry!                           
                                                            
68101 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Archie                   



My girlfriend is from Arizona.                              
She appreciates a good boner.                               
The day that we met,                                        
She hadn't fucked yet,                                      
But it didn't take long to get on her.                      
                                                            
68102 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Steve               T9801



Young Freda, much given to hand use,                        
Once decided she'd rather have manned use.                  
She was screwed on the ground                               
And swore that she'd found                                  
The delightfulest aspect of land use.                       
                                                            
68103 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Isaac Asimov             



There was an old maiden named Grissing,                     
Who discovered what she had been missing.                   
When laid down on the sod,                                  
She cried out, "Oh God!                                     
All these years I just used it for pissing!"                
                                                            
68104 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin 3024  G1576



There was a bluestocking in Florence                        
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents.                       
'Till a Spanish grandee                                     
Got her off with his knee,                                  
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.               
                                                            
68105 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY                          L0833



Chastity, the maid's strong REDOUBT,                        
Was what she thought life was about.                        
Until she met Mike,                                         
who showed 'whats to like'.                                 
And now she just can't do without.                          
                                                            
68106 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Chris Papa               



As virginity left, Isabel                                   
Wept and feared she was headed to hell.                     
But the act to the one                                      
Who seduced her, was fun.                                   
Between tears, she did it rather well.                      
                                                            
68107 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Isaac Asimov             



An innocent virgin named Fletcher                           
Succumbed to the wiles of a lecher.                         
She found it so glorious                                    
At last to be whorious!--                                   
They carried HIM out on a stretcher.                        
                                                            
68108 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY                          G1549



Attacked was a lady named Knight;                           
Her plight was soon changed to delight.                     
She was screwed in the dark                                 
By a man who had spark,                                     
And that is where Knight saw the light.                     
                                                            
68109 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1358



A maiden from old Leningrad                                 
Claimed never to ever been had,                             
Till I came along                                           
With my oversize schlong,                                   
And had her, and boy! Was she glad!                         
                                                            
68110 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      John Miller 0326         



An ignorant maid of Durango,                                
Wasn't told where to make a man's whang go.                 
But she added this knowledge                                
The first night of college,                                 
With a sigh you could play as a tango.                      
                                                            
68111 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY                          G1548



An Indian maiden named Blue Dart                            
Could only make love with a true heart.                     
She'd search and she'd scour                                
For the man to deflower                                     
And promise her never to part.                              
                                                            
68112 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jeanie Taylor            



She found him in Dynamite Jim,                              
A paleface with moustache so trim.                          
He promised her love                                        
'Neath the pale moon above.                                 
And she gave him her virginal quim.                         
                                                            
68113 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jeanie Taylor            



They stripped down to naked delight                         
And he relished the wonderful sight.                        
As her lips he did part,                                    
She let a small fart,                                       
And he said, "What was that?  An invite?"                   
                                                            
68114 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jeanie Taylor            



She wiggled upon his harpoon                                
And smiled up at him 'neath the moon.                       
"Don't be so sappy...                                       
You make front door so happy                                
That back door whistles merry tune!"                        
                                                            
68115 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jeanie Taylor            



When ravished, a spinster named Sperling                    
Was left with head spinning and whirling.                   
She was taken aback                                         
By this beastly attack,                                     
But she said the performance was sterling.                  
                                                            
68116 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Albin Chaplin   3024-1395



You know, I am from the boondocks.                          
Where daddys for daughters use padlocks.                    
But I lost my virginity                                     
In a back seat vicinity                                     
At 15, but I still got the box!                             
                                                            
68117 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jeanie                   



She was lured into bed by her surgeon                       
And finally gave in to his urgin'.                          
Then she gleefully said,                                    
When things came to a head,                                 
"Farewell to dull years as a virgin!"                       
                                                            
68118 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Grand Prix Lim  638      



A virgin named Maybeline Jones                              
Introduced her sweet twat to the bone.                      
It nicely surprised her,                                    
When it slipped deep inside her,                            
And came when she started to moan!                          
                                                            
68119 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Jim Weaver Collection    



A horny young boy from Des Moines                           
Sought maiden heads he could purloin.                       
On a trip to New York                                       
He found lots he could pork,                                
'Cause all of those girls said, "Take moin!"                
                                                            
68120 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY                               



There was a young lady of Sow,                              
Who said that she didn't know how.                          
Then a young fellow caught her,                             
And jolly well taught her.                                  
She can't get enough of it now.  (...lodges in Pimlico now.)
                                                            
68121 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Norman Douglas      L1059



I heard that the girl was from Dublin,                      
Who said, "No man ever got in."                             
And that it was a Brit                                      
Who tried her tight fit,                                    
And taught her Original Sin.                                
                                                            
68122 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      S C Saint                



The virgin he raped in New Jersey                           
Occasioned him some controversy.                            
French tourist, sixteen;                                    
And what did she mean                                       
When she looked in his eyes, and said "Merci!"?             
                                                            
68123 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Hugh Oliver         A080A



My first was a virgin called Pearl;                         
A delightfully innocent girl                                
And a teaser of cocks;                                      
But I soon got my rocks                                     
Off with her and her twin sister Shirl.                     
                                                            
68124 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Peter                    



A virginal coed named Sherrie                               
Awoke in the morning quite merry.                           
After cocktails last night,                                 
To her utter delight,                                       
She gave up her status as "cherry".                         
                                                            
68125 VIRGINS - SCREWED - HAPPY      Lims For Year - 01       



Hell's Angels on the way through Emporia                    
Gang-banged a virgin named Gloria.                          
That was two weeks ago,                                     
But as far as we know,                                      
She is still in a state of euphoria.                        
                                                            
68126 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Grand Prix Lim  159 G0580



A prudish young tourist named Kay                           
Was a virgin when she sailed away.                          
But she ceased acting prissily,                             
After bandits in Sicily                                     
Worked her over, one long summer day.                       
                                                            
68127 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN                          G0671



The maidenhead of young Mistress Meggs                      
Guarded chastely by crossing her legs,                      
Went the way of all flesh                                   
When six satyrs got fresh,                                  
And, one by one, polished their pegs.                       
                                                            
68128 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN                          G1585



A horse-and-horse girl in the Loop     (not a clue - McW)   
Said, "I learned sex techniques in one swoop.               
That first perforation                                      
Was quite a sensation,                                      
But after that sex was duck soup..."                        
                                                            
68129 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Grand Prix Lim  418      



I once took a young thing to bed;                           
A virgin, or that's what she said.                          
The tricks that she knew                                    
About turning a screw,                                      
Just came from the books that she'd read.                   
                                                            
68130 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      lilsil2                  



She said that she was a blonde,                             
A hair color of which I am fond.                            
But later I found                                           
Brown down on her mound,                                    
And didn't know how to respond.                             
                                                            
68131 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      lilsil2                  



And four times she said that she came,                      
She even called God out by name.                            
Then she said about me,                                     
That I'm G.I.B....                                          
(I've always liked truth in a dame!)                        
(G.I.B. - good in bed? - McW)                               
68132 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Irish                    



To get you inside her toll booth,                           
She may not have told you the truth.                        
Your pecker she'll take                                     
And orgasms fake.                                           
You should have been more astute.                           
                                                            
68133 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Arden                    



Was this statutory rape?                                    
Or was she an overaged grape?                               
You spoke of her lies,                                      
And orgasmic cries,                                         
But where is the video tape?                                
                                                            
68134 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Frank Fazed              



A young virgin with nose in the air                         
Started reading (in French) Baudelaire;                     
By "luxe, calme, volupte"                                   
She was quite swept away;                                   
Now she drinks and gets laid and don't care.                
                                                            
68135 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Robin K. Willoughby P8311



These teenaged young daughters like Harting                 
Know well the sweet sorrow of parting,                      
But this too, is true                                       
For gentile or Jew,                                         
It hurts a girl less than when starting.                    
                                                            
68136 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Armand E Singer       834



Now virgins have pussies real tight;                        
Their ideal for a wonderful ride.                           
One in a while, I change diet                               
And sneak very quite                                        
In a cunt that's been worn out and wide.                    
                                                            
68137 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Dirruk                   



Roared her father, severest of men,                         
"You've lost your virginity then?"                          
"I'm sorry, dear father,                                    
I've been such a bother.                                    
I swear I shan't lose it again."                            
                                                            
68138 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Laurence Perrine    P9409



There was a young girl named Matthias                       
Who was so exceedingly nice,                                
That one night on the farm,                                 
She awoke with alarm,                                       
Having lost her virginity twice!                            
                                                            
68139 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      G1584                    



There was a young lady who'd wince                          
From lads that approached her with hints.                   
She decided to gamble                                       
With a fellow named Campbell,                               
And has gamboled with everyone since.                       
                                                            
68140 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Albin Chaplin   3024-0382



Where cowards buy their sex in love stores,                 
Real men want virgins, not whores.                          
Like that satyr, old Burroughs,                             
Who prods virgin furrows,                                   
And now counts his bastards in scores!                      
                                                            
68141 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN                          G1612



A girl whom no one made passes                              
No longer resents wearing glasses,                          
For two F.B.I. men                                          
Demolished her hymen                                        
On failing to find her New Masses.                          
(New Masses - socialist magazine of 40's and 50's)          
68142 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN                          L0884



An eager young virgin named Strong                          
Thought that passion would last all night long:             
That her lover's capacity                                   
Would match her voracity --                                 
She found out, alas, she was wrong.                         
                                                            
68143 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN                          G1615



It seems the ex-virgin Miss Storr                           
Is flavored with cherry no more.                            
For a maidenhead buster                                     
Warmed up her cold custard--                                
She's now know as Pussy Galore!                             
                                                            
68144 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN                          G1613



There was a young lady named Seward                         
Who claimed she had never been skewered,                    
Till the time she was trapped in                            
The hold by the captain,                                    
And was fucked by the purser and steward.                   
                                                            
68145 VIRGINS - SCREWED - OFTEN      Albin Chaplin   3024-1389



Said Miss Primly, "I kiss and I pet,                        
But that's all the sexier I get."                           
So she thought till one night,                              
She got screwed out of sight,                               
With her navel just brimming with sweat.                    
                                                            
68146 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                      G1591



There was a young girl of Ostend,                           
Who her maidenhead tried to defend.                         
But a chasseur d'Afrique                                    
Inserted his prique,                                        
And taught that ex-maid how to spend.                       
                                                            
68147 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                      L0882



When at last as a bride she is cast,                        
The Victorian virgin's aghast                               
At salubrious screwings                                     
And connubial doings                                        
That includes a bilingual repast.                           
                                                            
68148 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Thomas A. Quinine   P8405



There were two old maids who were sisters,                  
And they never had dealing with misters.                    
A repairman, undaunted,                                     
Gave them both what they wanted,                            
But first he replaced their resistors.                      
                                                            
68149 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Albin Chaplin   3024-1392



There once was a man named Simon,                           
Who gave a virgin a diamond.                                
But it was a con,                                           
So he could climb on,                                       
And force his prick through her hymen!                      
                                                            
68150 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Laurence Craft           



A lady whom fate had made rootless,                         
Had pride, though she often went bootless.                  
Self respect made her wary,                                 
And she treasured her cherry,                               
But her efforts to save it were fruitless.                  
                                                            
68151 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Albin Chaplin   3024-1384



A virgin, Claire Jennifer Russo,                            
Hoped she could hold out for a trousseau;                   
But she just had to try it,                                 
Was mesmerized by it,                                       
(She never had known that it grew so.)                      
                                                            
68152 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Ann Gasser          P8803



When a virgin is shy, seems to fear it,                     
And too much aggression may queer iit,                      
If you just pray a smidgin,                                 
And mention religion,                                       
She should do it in the right spirit.                       
                                                            
68153 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Ann Gasser          P8711



An adamant lady named Boker                                 
Had claimed that no fellow could stoke her.                 
She was stoked by the iron                                  
Of a fireman named Byron                                    
And he stoked her so well, it'd choke her.                  
                                                            
68154 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Albin Chaplin   3024-1314



A virtuous lady was Koppler                                 
Who claimed that no young man could topple her.             
But a woodsman named Max                                    
Came along with his ax,                                     
And he felled her like felling a poplar.                    
                                                            
68155 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Albin Chaplin   3024-2145



There was a young virgin named Violet,                      
Whose hope was to remain inviolate.                         
But she let a man neck her,                                 
And soon his hard pecker                                    
Had wedged itself firmly in Violet.                         
                                                            
68156 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                      L0906



A cautious young cutie named Carrie                         
Fastidiously guarded her cherry...                          
But a foul cherry picker                                    
Set upon her to dicker...                                   
Carrie now has no cherry to carry.                          
                                                            
68157 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Grand Prix Lim  109      



There was a man with an affinity                            
For having his daughter's virginity,                        
Who said, as he pressed her                                 
And finally possessed her:                                  
"To Hell with consanguinity!"                               
                                                            
68158 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                      G0500



A simple young lady, devout,                                
While screwing a lad, had some doubt.                       
Though she whined of the sin                                
When he dared put it in,                                    
She said shame, if he dared take it out.                    
                                                            
68159 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Albin Chaplin   3024-1333



A reticent virgin, a Hessian,                               
Thought her cherry a sacred possession.                     
But a man in Toronto                                        
Did away with it pronto,                                    
Launching her in the Oldest Profession...                   
                                                            
68160 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Grand Prix Lim  672      



For innocent, lovely Miss Lorch,                            
John carried a flaming hot torch;                           
One night in late May,                                      
The churl had his way --                                    
Smack dab on her parents' front porch.                      
                                                            
68161 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Armand E Singer       933



A careless young virgin named Slattery,                     
Led astray by martinis and flattery,                        
Became so unwary,                                           
She was robbed of her cherry                                
By a fiend with an overcharged battery.                     
                                                            
68162 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                      G1610



A lustful old codger from Sheds                             
Delights to pop girls' maidenheads.                         
He claims, "Virgins long,                                   
Oftentimes to go wrong--                                    
It's that first painful POP a girl dreads.                  
                                                            
68163 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                      G1607



Lord...'cause of his powerful urgin'                        
I agreed to just one time of mergin'.                       
'Though it's after the fact,                                
May I uninteract                                            
And please be a born-again virgin?"                         
                                                            
68164 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Jane D. Hughes      P9006



A virgin from 'round Copper Cliff                           
Was eternally wondering if --                               
Till at last, losing strength,                              
She submitted at length,                                    
And complained that the price was too stiff.                
                                                            
68165 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Hugh Oliver           75a



There once was a virgin in Cork                             
Who thought babes all came from the stork.                  
She was in for a fright                                     
On her wedding night,                                       
When she found the stork was all "pork".                    
                                                            
68166 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Anon                     



There was a young maid of Ostend,                           
Who swore she'd hold out to the end.                        
But halfway over                                            
From Calais to Dover                                        
She'd done what she didn't intend.                          
                                                            
68167 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                           



There once was a woman from Brewer,                         
Who swore nobody could screw her.                           
Along came a mick                                           
With a cast-iron dick,                                      
And drove himself right through her.                        
                                                            
68168 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                           



Rick promised to gently deflower                            
A maiden who lived in South Gower.                          
(Actually he spread                                         
Her legs on the bed,                                        
And finished her off in an hour.)                           
                                                            
68169 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                           



There was a young girl from Dakar,                          
Who claimed, "No one has gotten that far!"                  
Then a fellow from Sidney                                   
Drove it up to her kidney,                                  
While driving her home in his car.                          
                                                            
68170 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  John Miller 0326         



There was a young virgin named Lynn                         
Who thought getting fucked was a sin.                       
At least, that's the ruse                                   
She attempted to use,                                       
Only moments before giving in.                              
                                                            
68171 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT  Lims For Year - 01       



A neuropath virgin named Flynn                              
Shouted before she gave in,                                 
"It isn't the deed,                                         
Or the fear of the seed,                                    
But that big worm that's shedding its skin!"                
                                                            
68172 VIRGINS - SCREWED - RELUCTANT                      L0863



It occurred when she crossed the Atlantic,                  
But the screw made young Mamie half frantic.                
It wasn't losing her cherry                                 
That upset her - not very,                                  
But the aisle of a plane's not romantic.                    
                                                            
68173 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Grand Prix Lim  688 G0661



A pious old maid name of Lord,                              
Was gored by a man in a Ford.                               
She recited a psalm                                         
With such stoical calm,                                     
That they say she appeared to be bored.                     
                                                            
68174 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Albin Chaplin   3024-1364



He said, "I've got rhythm, I'm rhymin'"                     
As he broke her delicate hymen.                             
She was disgusted                                           
'Cause she got busted                                       
By some jerk with really bad timin'.                        
                                                            
68175 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Marlene                  



She ranted and raved and she cursed,                        
And cried 'cause her cherry had burst.                      
But I gave it my best                                       
When I got her undressed,                                   
And she came pretty good with my wurst.                     
                                                            
68176 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        John Miller              



On a knoll a young maiden named Molly,                      
Her innocence lost through young folly.                     
His named was Sing Chum,                                    
And too soon he did come,                                   
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"                       
                                                            
68177 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Scott Hendricks          



Said maiden to man, "Let me clue you;                       
You really don't give a damn, do you?                       
You've treated me badly,                                    
You misused me sadly,                                       
You've busted my cherry, I'll sue you!"                     
                                                            
68178 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Armand E Singer       362



No longer intact! Oh boo hoo...                             
Goodbye to my hymen, adieu!                                 
I'll remain a cheap slut,                                   
Unlike a bolt's nut,                                        
Which one's able to always unscrew.                         
                                                            
68179 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        OgniGioia                



Whined a well-punctured lassie named Previn,                
"When I lost my one cherry, 'twas heaven,                   
But I guess I was had,                                      
I'm no longer so glad:                                      
You can't sue to regain through replevin."                  
(replevin - getting back goods unlawfully taken)            
68180 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Armand E Singer       414



An innocent virgin was wed                                  
To a man with one thought in his head:                      
He wanted to futter                                         
His wife into butter,                                       
But the first time he creamed her, she fled.                
                                                            
68181 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD                            G0811



"It's not that my cherry is broken,"                        
She sobbed, "or this miserable token                        
Of brilliant-cut glass                                      
On a ring made of brass...                                  
But my new satin sheets are just SOAKIN'!"                  
                                                            
68182 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        John Miller              



A trusting virgin named Terry                               
Drank Manhattans until she felt merry.                      
'Twas a dreadful mistake                                    
'Cause her escort, that rake                                
Ate her peanuts and then stole her cherry.                  
                                                            
68183 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Parker Waterman     P0206



Sighed a dear little shipboard divinity,                    
In a deckchair I lost my virginity.                         
I was glancing to leeward                                   
When along came a steward,                                  
And undid my belief in the trinity.                         
                                                            
68184 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        Conrad Aiken             



As the teen-agers romped on the couch,                      
The girl cried out suddenly, "Ouch!"                        
Both kids are disgusted;                                    
Her cherry was busted,                                      
And as parents, they both are a grouch.                     
                                                            
68185 VIRGINS - SCREWED - SAD        John Miller 0273         



There was a young lady of taste,                            
Who kept herself virgin and chaste,                         
And stoutly defended                                        
With bear-traps suspended,                                  
By filigree chains from her waist.                          
                                                            
68186 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G1617



There was a young lady whose taste                          
Ran to chain mail and locks 'round the waist.               
She was charming, I'd say,                                  
In a general way,                                           
But rather obsessively chaste.                              
                                                            
68187 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John Ciardi              



A frigid young lady named Bates                             
Was accursed from birth by the fates.                       
She was dying to screw,                                     
When the men asked her to,                                  
But always refused when on dates.                           
                                                            
68188 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G1527



An innocent soldier named Stave,                            
Was almost seduced by a Wave.                               
But he's still a recluse                                    
With all of his juice,                                      
For he didn't know how to behave.                           
                                                            
68189 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0898



So love-starved at Christmas was Bunny,                     
She hung mistletoe over her cunny.                          
No man ever kissed her,                                     
A fact that quite pissed her,                               
And made Bunny walk kind of funny.                          
                                                            
68190 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Ogden Nield              



There was a girl from Watussy                               
Who wouldn't give up her pussy.                             
Try as the boys might                                       
The girl remained tight;                                    
A virgin but still very goosy.                              
                                                            
68191 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a maid from the town Olivette                       
Who has played much to tricky to get;                       
But although eighty-four                                    
She is still fairly sure,                                   
She will lose her virginity yet.                            
                                                            
68192 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Hugh Oliver         A071A



A girl who lived in Kentucky                                
Said, "Yes, I've been awfully lucky.                        
No man ever yet                                             
On my back made me get,                                     
But sometimes I feel awful fucky.                           
                                                            
68193 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0872



"O, wench with thy neck hued of red,                        
Invitest thou me to thy bed?                                
Art thou virgin-pure?                                       
Shalt I makest sure?                                        
Nay! Thy cherry's burst from thigh spread!"                 
                                                            
68194 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



"Sweet Polly, bethink me not slackest                       
In duties male;  Ne'er shalt thou lackest                   
For mine noble hand,                                        
Nor arrow shot grand,                                       
Nor e'en my swift tongue in thy crackest."                  
                                                            
68195 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



I remember my love at sixteen;                              
Was the daughter of neighbors. Christine                    
Was her name; she was pure.                                 
She was chaste and demure.                                  
She was virginal, clean and pristine.                       
                                                            
68196 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Peter Wilkins            



I was mucky of mind, I admit;                               
I was up for it more than a bit;                            
When I grabbed at her drawers                               
With my sweaty great paws                                   
She said, "Piss off, you spotty-faced shit!"                
                                                            
68197 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Peter Wilkins            



Let's hear it for young zitty titties,                      
All nubile and firm in my mitties.                          
Those pink acne blips?                                      
They're extra pert nips,                                    
On the chests of school-girlish pretties!                   
                                                            
68198 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



They don't have to be high sixteen                          
To have a few zits in between                               
Their nose and their cootie.                                
They still can be cutie                                     
And older, with lots of hormene.                            
                                                            
68199 VIRGINS - TRUE                 H Welchel                



A horny old bloke from Manchester                           
Had a gal he'd just love to pester;                         
But this virginal prude                                     
Had never been screwed,                                     
Nor had anyone ever undressed 'er.                          
                                                            
68200 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Bob Birch           P0900



Unsated is horny young Bower;                               
He tried the whole night to deflower                        
Some chick that he dated;                                   
But sadly frustrated,                                       
He gave up and took a cold shower.                          
                                                            
68201 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Armand E Singer       510



There's a most irresponsible lecher                         
Who fell for a virgin named Fletcher.                       
Try as he would                                             
He never could                                              
Get even close enough to catch her.                         
                                                            
68202 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Tom Patton          P9708



There's a beautiful woman named Pam,                        
Whose sexy appearance is sham.                              
When a man wants a lay,                                     
She yawns and says, "Nay!"                                  
And he stands there frustrated.  God Damn!                  
                                                            
68203 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Isaac Asimov             



A moral young fellow was Bliss,                             
So pure he would not even kiss.                             
He took care not to touch                                   
Any ass, cunt, or such,                                     
And used tongs when he stood up to piss.                    
                                                            
68204 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G2260



Arkansas is a state, among others,                          
Where your aunts are your half-sisters' mothers.            
Cousins give it a whirl                                     
And a virgin's a girl                                       
Who runs faster that all of her brothers.                   
                                                            
68205 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John Miller 0159         



There was a T/5, name of Snyder,                            
Who took out a girl just to ride her.                       
She allowed him to feel                                     
From her neck to her heel,                                  
But never would let him inside her.                         
(T/5 - tech sergeant)                                       
68206 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0895



There once was a girl, a humdinger,                         
Around whom the boys like to linger,                        
While babbling of love,                                     
But got nowhere.  "Go shove!"                               
She would say as she gave them the finger.                  
                                                            
68207 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John Ciardi              



There was a poor maiden named Tess                          
Who suffered from virginal stress;                          
Common sense told her "No,"                                 
But the juices did flow --                                  
Her body kept telling her "Yes!"                            
                                                            
68208 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Armand E Singer       197



There was a young virgin of Bude,                           
Whose tricks, though exciting, were viewed                  
With distrust by the males,                                 
For she'd fondle their rails,                               
But never would let them intrude.                           
                                                            
68209 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0815



There was a young girl whose propriety                      
Caused all of her swains great anxiety.                     
In spite of their urgin'                                    
She remained a pure virgin                                  
(Which at least gives these verses variety!)                
                                                            
68210 VIRGINS - TRUE                                    G1524a



A happy young bridegroom was Cass,                          
Much pleased that his bride was first class.                
She was virgin and true                                     
And her cunt was brand new,                                 
For she took all her fucks up the ass.                      
                                                            
68211 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Albin Chaplin   3024-1317



Gossips yak in Kuala Lumpur,                                
That virgins there feel insecure.                           
For fat rajahs in heat                                      
Stalk such unsullied meat,                                  
Which daily gets fewer and fewer.                           
                                                            
68212 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G1573



A thrice-married girl from L.A.                             
Said, "My hymen's intact to this day.                       
'Cause my first( a shrink) talked at it,                    
The voyeur only gawked at it,                               
And my most recent man's a gourmet."                        
                                                            
68213 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



Woe is me; I'm virginal -- true.                            
I've no disease worries.  Do you?                           
For if you don't use it,                                    
You never will lose it,                                     
And my bits are all like brand new.                         
                                                            
68214 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Marlene                  



Marlene, I am sorry to say,                                 
It just doesn't work out that way.                          
I'll bet you'll regret                                      
What you didn't get                                         
When like me you get old tired and gray.                    
                                                            
68215 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John Miller              



When your get-up has got-up and went,                       
You will treasure the time you have spent                   
In a loving embrace                                         
And find face-to-face,                                      
What you lost when you wouldn't relent.                     
                                                            
68216 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John Miller              



Ye Gods! I am happy and free!                               
Please don't be concerned about me.                         
I enjoy my life                                             
Not being a wife.                                           
I've still time to go on a spree!                           
                                                            
68217 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Marlene                  



One virginal lass from Toronna,                             
Invited to sex, said "Donwanna;"                            
Said her suitor, "O bully!"                                 
He understood fully                                         
The value she placed on heronna.                            
                                                            
68218 VIRGINS - TRUE                 James Gayfer,Dartmouth58c



A lad, at his family's urgin',                              
Set off to arrange him a mergin'                            
He came home empty handed;                                  
No girl had he landed,                                      
'Cause all he could find was a virgin.                      
                                                            
68219 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



"She smelled sweeter than eau de cologne,                   
And was just fine at cookin' and sewin';                    
But I just had to pass,                                     
Since we don't want no lass                                 
Who ain't good enough for her own."                         
                                                            
68220 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



Pass not this lonely grave by, men.                         
Pass not without a deep sigh, men.                          
For here lies Jane Jorgans,                                 
With all her own organs,                                    
Including, alas, her own hymen.                             
                                                            
68221 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



An impatient virgin named Lantz                             
Said, "I well know inside a man's pants                     
Lurks a sexy extension                                      
Of varying dimension;                                       
I'll try one for size my first chance."                     
                                                            
68222 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Grand Prix Lim  336      



Last night I dreamt I had the power                         
To tell if she still had her flower.                        
I was not surprised when                                    
No girl over ten                                            
Could be found in under an hour.                            
                                                            
68223 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



When I found one -- the girl was a dog;                     
She looked like whe crawled from a log.                     
And when she made sound,                                    
It made my head pound,                                      
And my eyes to cloud over with fog.                         
                                                            
68224 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



But my search wasn't over, not yet.                         
I said to myself, "Scott I bet                              
If you search really well,                                  
You'll find a young belle                                   
Who you'll be the first one to pet."                        
                                                            
68225 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



So I looked by the sea and inland                           
For a virgin to take by the hand,                           
And turn her face red                                       
When I showed her my bed,                                   
And slipped my hand in her waist band.                      
                                                            
68226 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



Well I found a chaste lass in Montana;                      
A 20 year old name of Hannah.                               
Naked men she'd not seen                                    
Plus her twat hadn't been                                   
Penetrated by man or banana.                                
                                                            
68227 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



And that's when the alarm clock went off;                   
I never got where we would boff.                            
I just woke with my cock                                    
Throbbing, hard as a rock;                                  
To the shower I went to jack off.                           
                                                            
68228 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



You may search into each leafy bower,                       
In search of that delicate flower.                          
But all the best fruit                                      
You will find has been loot-                                
Ed and that what is left is quite sour.                     
                                                            
68229 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



A Palm Beach virgin allotted,                               
"I hate to be poked and be prodded."                        
Said she with due pride,                                    
"Nothing gets inside;                                       
My chad has not been besotted!"                             
                                                            
68230 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Lynn Mostafa             



When the lass went away to Virginia,                        
Her mom said "Don't let no one in ya!"                      
The boys wanted to,                                         
But she would not screw.                                    
So they all said "Bug off, ya Virginia!"                    
                                                            
68231 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



In Stokes, lived an ugly bluestocking,                      
Who declared that men's manners were shocking.              
Why, she'd never been diddled,                              
Even fingered or fiddled,                                   
So she finally moved over to Focking.                       
                                                            
68232 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0814



Some girls are all talk and no action,                      
Giving men no satisfaction.                                 
They don't do dick,                                         
Have not touched a prick,                                   
So where is there any attraction?                           
                                                            
68233 VIRGINS - TRUE                 The Man                  



While petting she called for abeyanaace,                    
And told her beau, "Keep on your payants.                   
Despite all your urgin',                                    
I'm stayin' a virgin,                                       
So right now you haven't a chayance."                       
                                                            
68234 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Gary Hallock             



Said a virgin from old Wyomissing,                          
"You bet I know what I am missing:                          
Grief games, and charades,                                  
Clap, herpes, and AIDS,                                     
And quick humps with no hugging or kissing.                 
                                                            
68235 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Ann Gasser          P8712



There was a young lady named Bates,                         
Who was cursed from birth by the Fates.                     
She wished that she could,                                  
And feared that she would,                                  
And that was the end of her dates.                          
                                                            
68236 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



She had held to her maidenhead true,                        
But she oft thought about it with rue.                      
But her chiefest excuse,                                    
"Don't want to get loose                                    
And I don't want my quim full of goo."                      
                                                            
68237 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Straydog                 



There's a tiresome girl in Bay Shore,                       
When her fiance cried, "I adore                             
The beautiful sea!"         (Your beautiful twat!")         
He replied, "I agree        (She replied, "Like it or not,) 
It's pretty, but what is it for?"                           
                                                            
68238 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Morris Bishop       L0809



A girl named Alice, in Dallas,                              
Had never felt of a phallus.                                
She remained virgo intacto,                                 
Because, ipso facto,                                        
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.                             
                                                            
68239 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0826



Quoth a maid to a swain growing hot,                        
"My honor should tell you I'll not.                         
You can be on your life,                                    
Until I be a wife,                                          
No man ever gets what I've got."                            
                                                            
68240 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Warrick Elrod            



She was virginal, comely as Venus,                          
When she got her first look at his penis                    
She exclaimed, "I can see                                   
That you're different from me,                              
But I don't want that coming between us."                   
                                                            
68241 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Jemstone                 



Said a lecher in old Metabechuan                            
"There's a long lovely bed I would stretch you on!"         
The virgin replied,                                         
"Till you make me a bride,                                  
There's a long lonely road I would set you on."             
                                                            
68242 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John E Mayhood      P0101



There was a young virgin called Heidi                       
Whose box was always kept tidy.                             
There lived not a mortal                                    
Who could enter her portal;                                 
She's waiting for God almighty.                             
                                                            
68243 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



There was a young fellow named Gluck,                       
Who found himself shit out of luck.                         
Though he petted and wooed,                                 
When he tried to get screwed,                               
He found virgins don't give a fuck.                         
                                                            
68244 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0864



There was a young beauty named Mia,                         
Who never quite got the idea,                               
Or who wasn't inclined                                      
To what boys have in mind.                                  
Either way they stopped coming to see 'er.                  
                                                            
68245 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John Ciardi              



Said a virgin, "My only defense                             
Against rape is this galvanized fence:                      
For over a year,                                            
It's protected my rear--                                    
Though by now it is covered with dents!"                    
                                                            
68246 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Norm Storer              



A man who is perfectly chaste                               
Is letting his cock go to waste.                            
His peter will die,                                         
His balls atrophy,                                          
And his semen will turn into paste.                         
                                                            
68247 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



Said a timid young girl in Hong Kong,                       
On seeing her cabdriver's dong:                             
"I have heard about sex                                     
And its heady effects,                                      
But must I use that to go wrong?"                           
                                                            
68248 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G0687



We know a young artist named Jerry,                         
Whose ass is both pimply and hairy.                         
That horrible sight                                         
Puts the ladies to flight.                                  
It's no wonder the fellow's still cherry.                   
                                                            
68249 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Grand Prix Lim no num    



For years all the young men had striven,                    
To seduce a young lady called Riven.                        
Once a plumber called Bert                                  
Got his hand up her skirt,                                  
And his plumbing has never forgiven.                        
(In heaven such sins are forgiven.)                         
68250 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



There was a young lady named Laura,                         
Whom the mere thought of sex fill with horror.              
You may think that 'de trop',                               
But I want you to know,                                     
That the pope and his crowd for all for her.                
                                                            
68251 VIRGINS - TRUE                 John Ciardi              



Virgins are now so damned rare,                             
The mere sight of one makes you stare.                      
Such babes seem to dread                                    
Losing their maidenhead--                                   
What the hell!  It won't show through the hair.             
                                                            
68252 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G1597



There was a old lady of Leicester,                          
And no man had ever caressed her.                           
And all day she'd wriggle                                   
And giggle and jiggle,                                      
As though seven devils possessed her.                       
                                                            
68253 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0874



There once was a woman named Baker,                         
A thoughtful and pious young Quaker.                        
She's terrifically stacked                                  
But the tragical fact,                                      
Is that none of the fellows can make 'er.                   
                                                            
68254 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Isaac Asimov             



No matter how hard I tried                                  
I couldn't get my pecker inside.                            
That neglected old cherry                                   
Was as dry as a prairie,                                    
And her hymen as tough as raw hide.                         
                                                            
68255 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



There was an old maid from Hoboken,                         
Who was taught that sex was verboten.                       
So when she was dead,                                       
Her epitaph read,                                           
"Returned to sender, unopened."                             
                                                            
68256 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Jim                      



Snorting outrage she'll trash your petition,                
For a session of cheerful coition;                          
Her maidenhead stays,                                       
"Forget it", she brays;                                     
(She is saving it for the mortician).                       
                                                            
68257 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



There was a young virgin named Heidi                        
Whose box was always kept tidy.                             
There wasn't a mortal                                       
Who could enter her portal;                                 
Saving herself for God almighty.                            
                                                            
68258 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Dr Limerick  10-24-95    



A girl's life has lots of duress.                           
The problem that's hardest, I guess,                        
Is how to say "No"                                          
To a too urgent beau,                                       
When all of her senses shout "Yes!"                         
                                                            
68259 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Laurence Perrine    P8503



A virgin who lives in Kenora                                
Has every man kneeling befora;                              
But anxious to please,                                      
They should rise from their knees                           
And down and debauch and deflora.                           
                                                            
68260 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Hugh Oliver           78a



She exulted, while touring Nantucket,                       
"I've a cherry, and no one can pluck it!"                   
Said her guide, with a smile,                               
"I was raised on this isle.                                 
You've a virginal clam?  I could shuck it."                 
                                                            
68261 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



Cy was known as a maidenhead breaker...                     
Or at least till he met Tillie Traker.                      
He was shocked and surprised                                
Finding hers SIMONIZED,                                     
Which stopped whomsoever might maker!                       
                                                            
68262 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Grand Prix Lim  352      



There was a girl named Kelly D.                             
Her finger was what her twat would see.                     
She said with a chuckle,                                    
"I've slept with a couple.                                  
The last time was when I was three!"                        
                                                            
68263 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Jim Weaver Collection    



No one can tell about Myrtle.                               
Whether she's sterile or fertile.                           
If anyone tries                                             
To tickle her thighs,                                       
She closes them tight like a turtle.                        
                                                            
68264 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     L0878



In the back street down in San Maduro                       
A tourist from Trenton named Truro                          
Tried to make sweet Conchita,                               
But the chaste senorita                                     
Had her sex parts at home in the bureau.                    
                                                            
68265 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G0673



A hidebound young virgin named Carrie                       
Would say, when the fellows got hairy:                      
"Keep you prick in your pants                               
Till the end of this dance--"                               
Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.                   
                                                            
68266 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G1533



Stone lions at the library, lie                             
In wait to emit a loud cry.                                 
Legend has it they'll roar                                  
To shake the slate floor,                                   
When a virgin over fifteen goes by.                         
                                                            
68267 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0311



I'll tell you a tale, mi amigo,                             
Of Nola from down in Toledo.                                
Her hymen's so thick,                                       
It resists any prick,                                       
And fellows each nurse a bruised ego.                       
                                                            
68268 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Tiddy Ogg                



So what if I'm a virgin at 30                               
And that I prefer to be flirty.                             
I do what I pleases,                                        
Avoiding diseases,                                          
As well as getting sticky or dirty.                         
                                                            
68269 VIRGINS - TRUE                                          



Her virginal zone set him wild,                             
Till she said, "What if I have a child?                     
A baby's a bother                                           
To an unmarried father..."                                  
And she walked away, sex undefiled!                         
                                                            
68270 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Grand Prix Lim  712      



There was an old maid from Bermuda,                         
Who looked like a sick barracuda.                           
She walk around naked,                                      
But she never got raped,                                    
Or fucked, and nobody screwed 'er.                          
                                                            
68271 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Penny Nammy              



There was an old beauty named Haste                         
Who stayed till the day she died, chaste.                   
So even St. Peter,                                          
When he chanced to meet her,                                
Was heard to exclaim, "What a waste!"                       
                                                            
68272 VIRGINS - TRUE                 Paul Westwood       P9607



A miserly jeweler named Nissing,                            
Had no idea the sport he was missing.                       
His obsession with rock,                                    
Meant neglecting his cock.                                  
His only use for it was pissing.                            
                                                            
68273 VIRGINS - TRUE                                     G1406



A pathetic appellant at Reno                                
Was as chaste as the holy Bambino.                          
For she'd married a slicker                                 
Who stuck to his liquor                                     
And scorned her ripe maraschino.                            
                                                            
68274 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY                                  L0890



No longer a babe or a child,                                
Her virginity's driving her wild.                           
It's plain as a plate;                                      
When she goes out on a date,                                
She's hoping to come back defiled.                          
                                                            
68275 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Laurence Perrine    P8503



A comely young woman named Laura,                           
Thinking wedlock tyrannical horror,                         
And sub rosa, screwing                                      
The passport to undoing,                                    
Stayed a virgin intact, to her sorrow.                      
                                                            
68276 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY                                  G1574



There was a young lady named Donna,                         
Who felt she was nearly a goner.                            
Attacked in the park                                        
On her walk in the dark,                                    
She thought, rather death than dishonour.                   
                                                            
68277 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Arthur Pattaffy          



This battle between the sexes                               
Is why some nice people have exes.                          
I stopped from the fight                                    
But, that is alright,                                       
I just sit at home casting hexes...                         
                                                            
68278 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Marlene                  



...On all the men who have loved me;                        
All those who had my front door key,                        
And still went away                                         
On some sunny day,                                          
While claiming they had to be free.                         
                                                            
68279 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Marlene                  



"How large is the count?" you may ask.                      
To tally is not a big task.                                 
The number is none,                                         
Nope, not even one!                                         
To attract men, I need a mask.                              
                                                            
68280 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Marlene                  



On just having sex, guess I tarried.                        
I promised to wait till I married.                          
I am still a maid,                                          
Though older and staid.                                     
When he thrust, I shouldn't have parried!                   
                                                            
68281 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Marlene                  



I don't believe any of this;                                
Do you mean you've not had sexual bliss?                    
You write like a doxy                                       
With plenty of moxie.                                       
You're not in that virginal abyss!                          
                                                            
68282 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              S C Saint                



You have a fixation on duct,                                
For someone whose never been fucked.                        
I shudder and cream                                         
As I imagine this dream:                                    
Does this also mean you've never sucked?                    
                                                            
68283 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              S C Saint                



You think I attempted to dupe?                              
I was merely giving the scoop.                              
I'm sweet and I'm pure.                                     
How can you infer                                           
That I would tell lies to this group?                       
                                                            
68284 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Marlene                  



I learned all those things from some books.                 
(The kind people hide in small nooks.)                      
I bet my collection                                         
Would spark your erection,                                  
Most 'specially those with workbooks.                       
                                                            
68285 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Marlene                  



A lonely old lady named Boyd,                               
Of charm and allure was devoid.                             
So her search was in vain                                   
For a man to ease pain,                                     
Who would help her to fill up the void.                     
                                                            
68286 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1315



There was an old virgin of Preakness,                       
Who lived in a sad state of bleakness.                      
In her moral behavior,                                      
She was a strong as the Savior,                             
But her strength was, of course, her great weakness.        
                                                            
68287 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1379



A lady who lives in Siberia,                                
For a lover has stringent criteria.                         
Her standards are so high                                   
That each night she will cry,                               
'Cause no one's yet plumbed her interior.                   
                                                            
68288 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



A frustrated virgin named Lou                               
Had a boyfriend who acted quite pseu-                       
dointellectual                                              
Regarding thing sexual;                                     
He was chronically impotent, too.                           
                                                            
68289 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Robin K. Willoughby P8311



A virgin emerged from her bath                              
In a state of righteous wrath,                              
For she'd been deflowered                                   
When she bent as she showered;                              
The handle was right in her path.                           
                                                            
68290 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Jim Weaver Collection    



At nightfall Marie goes to bed                              
And massages her tight maidenhead                           
And sighs, "If some guys                                    
Knew the prize 'tween my thighs,                            
They'd make sure, in no time, it was spread.                
                                                            
68291 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Grand Prix Lim  340      



To the doc, went a maid in dejection;                       
He examined her twat with reflection.                       
"What you need is a screw                                   
For that pussy brand new.                                   
I'll prescribe you some love and erection."                 
                                                            
68292 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Albin Chaplin   3024-1332



There once was a PROSAIC prude,                             
who thought that all sex was quite crude.                   
Which leads to the sad fact                                 
With hymen intact,                                          
She never enjoyed the life lewd.                            
                                                            
68293 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Chris Papa               



At Sotheby's, soon we've a sale                             
Of virgins both hearty and hale.                            
The auction comprises                                       
All shapes and all sizes,                                   
Of classical pieces of tail.                                
                                                            
68294 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Travis Brasell           



Avoid all the scuffle and queuing;                          
Come early tomorrow for viewing.                            
Of course you may touch                                     
'Em and fondle and such,                                    
But observe our rule 20: "No Screwing".                     
                                                            
68295 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Travis Brasell           



Forgive me, I don't mean to whine,                          
But since they'll be such a long line                       
Of virgin inspectors,                                       
Could you auction directors                                 
Relax your "No facials" Rule 9?                             
                                                            
68296 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Travis Brasell           



A maid with a cherry was Richter,                           
Forlorn because no one had nicked her.                      
So she climbed up a tree                                    
Where the cherries would be;                                
A mechanical picker then picked her.                        
                                                            
68297 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Albin Chaplin 3024  P8212



Sighed a sensual virgin named Griffin:                      
"I've longed all these years for a stii 'un.                
Why even a short 'un                                        
Would start me to snortin'--                                
Do I pray for a lay?  You ain't whiffin'!"                  
                                                            
68298 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY                                  G1561



Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis                           
Had heard of, but not seen, a phallus.                      
At her first sight of one,                                  
She started to run,                                         
And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.                 
                                                            
68299 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY                                  G1537



A virgin called Anna-Marie                                  
Had a cunt most exceedingly wee,                            
That not even a bit                                         
Of spaghetti would fit;                                     
So she went to see Dr. McFee.                               
                                                            
68300 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Peter Wilkins            



"You're tight," said the doctor, "Don't flinch;             
I can widen your cunt -- it's a cinch.                      
Now this pump I'll insert                                   
And a pressure exert                                        
Say, of 8000 pounds per square inch.                        
                                                            
68301 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Peter Wilkins            



Now virginal Anna-Marie                                     
Has a cunt that's no longer so wee.                         
No, indeed it is not.                                       
It's a cavernous twat,                                      
And it swallowed up Dr McFee.                               
                                                            
68302 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Peter Wilkins            



Young virgins who sigh for affinity                         
And yearn to be loved to infinity,                          
All their troubles would pass                               
If they'd struggle for ass,                                 
Just as hard as they fight for virginity.                   
                                                            
68303 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Albin Chaplin 3024  G1524



A virgin of the female gender                               
Died because the doc couldn't mend her.                     
Her epitaph                                                 
Engendered a laugh;                                         
"Returned unopened to sender."                              
                                                            
68304 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Tom Patton          P9704



A randy young lass of Mount Barry                           
Used a candle to rupture her cherry.                        
And she smirked, "Who will know?                            
Inside me won't show,                                       
And outside that spot is all hairy!"                        
                                                            
68305 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY                                  G1587



An unemployed babe of Salt Lake                             
Said, "For years I have been on the make,                   
But right to this day                                       
I'm still lacking a lay...                                  
What kind of broad hint does it take?"                      
                                                            
68306 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY              Grand Prix Lim  409      



A sexy young virgin said, "What                             
Shall I do with my elegant twat?                            
It's so wet and so hot,                                     
And it's itching a lot--                                    
Oh God, shall I wipe it or not.                             
                                                            
68307 VIRGINS - UNHAPPY                                  G2550



A national hero named Milt                                  
Did never have feelings of guilt.                           
He assembled police                                         
And went looking for peace,                                 
With troops armed to the teeth and the hilt.                
                                                            
68308 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin            



Returning from rapine and pillage,                          
Barbarians need food from the village.                      
They will eat all the cows                                  
And several sows,                                           
And destroy most all of the tillage!                        
                                                            
68309 WARFARE                                                 



A World War can't do much now, can it?                      
Blow up the whole fucking planet!                           
Its better I says,                                          
Get rid of all gays,                                        
And boyracers and sluts and Pete Blanet.                    
                                                            
68310 WARFARE                                                 



A cynical fellow named Reese                                
Had hoped all war action would cease.                       
He did wholly deplore                                       
The great glories of war;                                   
He favored the horrors of peace.                            
                                                            
68311 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin            



We once fought with clubs and with stones,                  
We hand-fought with grunts and with groans.                 
Now with high-tech's assistance                             
We fight at long distance --                                
More civilized, everyone owns.                              
                                                            
68312 WARFARE                        Lauarence Perrine   P8406



The State did remark quite sincerely                        
That thousands of soldiers died yearly.                     
But after consultation,                                     
We must take consolation                                    
In the fact that the foe has paid dearly.                   
                                                            
68313 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin            



It's good, people worship their gods;                       
So uplifting for generals and clods.                        
When they pray as they oughter,                             
'Fore joining the slaughter                                 
Of others with whom they're at odds.                        
                                                            
68314 WARFARE                        John Miller 0358         



A Trojan horse like that at Troy                            
May keep them at bay while we toy                           
With plans for salvation                                    
All over the nation.                                        
This god is one thing is a ploy.                            
                                                            
68315 WARFARE                        H Whelchel               



So much destruction, I see                                  
Has been done, thanks to God and country.                   
With every new war                                          
On some foreign shore,                                      
Makes me cry, "Please let things be!"                       
                                                            
68316 WARFARE                        Arden                    



Let us sing of the Masters of War                           
And the blood thirst that they all live for.                
It doesn't take skill                                       
To go for the kill,                                         
But God! how they love all the gore.                        
                                                            
68317 WARFARE                        Neal Wilgus         P8406



"Make Love, Not War;" the sign read of Flo,                 
So I said to her, "Honey, lets go                           
To bed and let's screw."                                    
And damn, the bitch threw                                   
The sign at me, striking a blow!                            
                                                            
68318 WARFARE                        Travis Brasell           



A pious young girl named Laetitia                           
Joined up with the right wing militia.                      
They believe God is Love                                    
Who made heaven above,                                      
But now dabbles in armed demolitia.                         
                                                            
68319 WARFARE                        Nick D Kim               



There once was a scheming old plotter                       
Who loved to see wars that were hotter.                     
He hastened the demise                                      
Of a great nation wise,                                     
And sent millions of men to the slaughter.                  
                                                            
68320 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin            



I have had it with all of this poop;                        
So I'm taking over this group.                              
My plot has congealed;                                      
All the exits are sealed;                                   
Of d'etats this is know as a coup.                          
Pardon my French                                            
68321 WARFARE                        MrMalo                   



It seems I hold the trump card,                             
And don't bother calling the guard.                         
I've slipped them Viagra;                                   
It's a gushing Niagara,                                     
From the barracks out into the yard.                        
Pardon my drench                                            
68322 WARFARE                        MrMalo                   



In the east, the sky is lightening;                         
The speed of my takeover, frightening.                      
I've seized total power                                     
In less than an hour.                                       
Hold on! My meter needs tightening.                         
Pardon my wrench                                            
68323 WARFARE                        MrMalo                   



There will be no more of this crap,                         
Of posting how Malo's a sap.                                
Furthermore, it's decreed                                   
For the sake of my need...                                  
Hold on! There's a girl on my lap!                          
Pardon my wench                                             
68324 WARFARE                        MrMalo                   



Where was I?  Oh yes, new restrictions;                     
There will be no more maledictions,                         
Anti-male elocution                                         
Brings a quick execution.                                   
There's no way to appeal my convictions.                    
Pardon my bench                                             
68325 WARFARE                        MrMalo                   



So everyone schprecken zie Heil!                            
Das Fuhrer commands you to smile!                           
Go ahead, make rhyme und                                    
Remember, you schveinhund,                                  
Ve haff all your names on file!                             
Pardon my mensch                                            
68326 WARFARE                        MrMalo                   



In our arrogance we have learned little;                    
So some day I'll bet that the shit'll                       
Once again hit the fan --                                   
No, it won't be Japan;                                      
Some one ELSE whom we like to belittle.                     
                                                            
68327 WARFARE                        Jim Weaver Collection    



The best thing about humankind                              
Is how they can reason with mind.                           
At times they go far                                        
And rise above war,                                         
But usually they're brutally blind.                         
                                                            
68328 WARFARE                                                 



Armed conflict would be obsolete                            
If leaders would end their deceit.                          
They should offer, so merry,                                
Not the hatchet to bury,                                    
But should offer to bury the meat.                          
                                                            
68329 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin   3024-2214



It's said that Cease Fire means release                     
Of tension, and hostile acts cease.                         
But it's not, we deplore,                                   
A cessation of war,                                         
So it must mean cessation of peace.                         
                                                            
68330 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin   3024-2765



The pentagon is full of fools;                              
Cross dressing and orgies in pools.                         
And we work and we slave,                                   
And sometimes misbehave,                                    
But mostly we just make lots of rules.                      
                                                            
68331 WARFARE                        Sissy                    



The benefits really are swell!                              
We can give all the average folks hell.                     
Mr. Liddy's on call,                                        
And for the thrill of it all,                               
He'll kill you and your family as well.                     
                                                            
68332 WARFARE                        Sissy                    



So we've heard from the liberal view,                       
Thinking laws will make peace come true.                    
They seem to forget,                                        
Or haven't learned yet,                                     
Only those who obey will be screwed!                        
                                                            
68333 WARFARE                                                 



Warmongers are all nasty mothers,                           
Be they left wing or right wing or others.                  
You have to be blind                                        
To believe that mankind                                     
Is improved by the slaughter of brothers.                   
                                                            
68334 WARFARE                                                 



Let those in glass towers not shatter                       
The things that for others do matter.                       
Please let us have peace                                    
And natural grief                                           
And forget all the warfaring chatter.                       
                                                            
68335 WARFARE                        Narni                    



We're here on the net, all conversing                       
In language globally coursing                               
Like blood through our veins.                               
How strangely insane                                        
When the war situation is worsening                         
                                                            
68336 WARFARE                        Narni                    



A man had a great driving yen                               
To fight from Saigon to Darien.                             
There was no one who doubted                                
That the enemy was routed,                                  
And we lost only ten million men.                           
                                                            
68337 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin            



You may think it's a wise endeavor                          
To end war, but it's not so clever.                         
'Cause without all the war                                  
That's gone on before,                                      
There'd be more goddamn assholes than ever!                 
                                                            
68338 WARFARE                        MrMalo                   



Our national aim I deplore --                               
A future most bleak is in store,                            
Since more funds we release                                 
For maintaining the peace,                                  
Than we ever spent fighting the war.                        
                                                            
68339 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin   3024-2960



It looks like we've won, at first glance,                   
But think before starting to dance:                         
Unless I am wrong,                                          
It took ten times as long                                   
As Hitler to overrun France.                                
                                                            
68340 WARFARE                                                 



The U.N. is really a sham,                                  
For men's rights, it's not worth a damn.                    
It wanted to see a                                          
Big war in Korea,                                           
And could not stop the war in Vietnam.                      
                                                            
68341 WARFARE                        Albin Chaplin            



The boy said that he wouldn't mind one --                   
A ground war. He wishes he'd find one                       
That's fairly close by,                                     
For what he'd like to try,                                  
Is to learn how they manage to grind one.                   
                                                            
68342 WARFARE                        A. N. Wilkins       P9103



Said President Jobcock one day:                             
"War's better than love, I should say.                      
Instead of a virgin,                                        
It's murder I'm urgin',                                     
You get lots more blood that-a-way."                        
                                                            
68343 WARFARE                                            G1538



When they beat the swords into plowshares,                  
They caught army brass unawares,                            
And left them enraged.                                      
Now the troops are engaged                                  
In learning to fight with plowshares.                       
                                                            
68344 WARFARE - ARMY                 Attic Salt          P9901



On Memorial Day, an old Vet                                 
Tried his uniform on for a bet.                             
As he strained to look thin,                                
He said, "Sucking it in,                                    
Helps remember my army corps set!"                          
                                                            
68345 WARFARE - ARMY                 Prof M-G                 



Cash dwindles for ammo and guns,                            
And RIF's have only just begun.                             
Enlisting today,                                            
You might find that they                                    
Really mean it -- You're an army of one.                    
                                                            
68346 WARFARE - ARMY                 Dr Limerick              



"With Lake Woebegone's cure for malaise",                   
Thinks the Army, "morale we can raise.                      
Won't our military                                          
All above average be                                        
If we issue them all black berets?"                         
                                                            
68347 WARFARE - ARMY                 Peter Wilkins            



In the progress of civilization,                            
Of wars between nation and nation,                          
Our weapons, refined,                                       
By the mind of mankind                                      
Wreak targeted broad devastation.                           
                                                            
68348 WARFARE - ARMY                 Laurence Perrine    P9308



Said the Brass, "What a man did before                      
Determined his place in the war.                            
Thus a butcher, you'll find,                                
Is always assigned                                          
A place in the Medical Corps."                              
                                                            
68349 WARFARE - ARMY                 A. N. Wilkins       P8901



Oh the sight entrancing                                     
When morning's beam is glancing                             
Over files arrayed                                          
With helm and blade                                         
And plumes in the gay wind dancing.                         
                                                            
68350 WARFARE - ARMY                 Thomas Moore             



When hearts are all high beating                            
And the trumpet's voice repeating                           
That song whose breath                                      
May lead to death                                           
But never to retreating.                                    
                                                            
68351 WARFARE - ARMY                 Thomas Moore             



To the ages this song does belong,                          
But army cooks say one word's wrong.                        
In the artillery                                            
Their new lyric would be:                                   
"As those capons go rolling along."                         
                                                            
68352 WARFARE - ARMY                 Loren C Fitzhugh         



An army corp's mission, of course, is                       
To make skillful use of its forces,                         
Its guns, and its horses,                                   
And all its resources                                       
To make other corps into corpses.                           
(corse - archaic, dead body, corpse)                        
68353 WARFARE - ARMY                 Laurence Perrine    P8406



Some boys with the taste and discernment                    
To dodge the draft with a deferment,                        
Grew up to be hawks,                                        
With bloodthirsty talk,                                     
Once safe from the Army's procurement.                      
                                                            
68354 WARFARE - ARMY                 Dr Limerick  09-05-02    



"Samaritan goodness, alas,"                                 
Said Father McFarland at mass,                              
"Demands we be kind,                                        
So next time you find                                       
The wounded, put them on your ass."                         
                                                            
68355 WARFARE - ARMY                 Travis Brasell           



'Tis folly in face of defeat                                
To take, VAWARD, the front seat.                            
It's abundantly clear:                                      
Advantage of rear                                           
Is being the first in retreat.                              
                                                            
68356 WARFARE - ARMY                 Chris Papa               



We're sending our Green Beret teams                         
To Georgia, because our brass deems  (Russia)               
Their troops must be trained                                
And our doctrines explained,                                
And not for a fight, as it seems.                           
                                                            
68357 WARFARE - ARMY                 Dr Limerick  02-27-02    



I suspect that the mission's a sham;                        
Soon our guys will get into a jam,                          
And then while we sleep                                     
The weed, mission creep,                                    
Will take over, just like in Vietnam.                       
                                                            
68358 WARFARE - ARMY                 Dr Limerick  02-27-02    



Service people grace places afar,                           
And in some there's not even a bar.                         
Since the Saudis, I'm thinking,                             
Object strongly to drinking,                                
Our troops there fight a prolonged gulp war.                
                                                            
68359 WARFARE - ARMY                 Loren Fitzhugh      P0208



Give a cheer for our boys at the front,                     
Whether GI, or Dogface, or Grunt;                           
And another loud cheer                                      
For our men in the rear;                                    
And you guys in between 'em, well, punt!                    
                                                            
68360 WARFARE - ARMY                 Robin K. Willoughby P8406



To an American military professional,                       
Top honor is the Medal Congressional.                       
In the war against slavery,                                 
None went for Southern bravery,                             
For their cause was considered secessional.                 
                                                            
68361 WARFARE - ARMY                 Thomas G. Keller    P9501



The Pentagon set to announce                                
"We no longer do body counts;                               
We just estimate                                            
And manipulate                                              
The numbers for maximum bounce."                            
                                                            
68362 WARFARE - ARMY                 Dr Limerick  03-14-02    



Although they are not very bright,                          
In the headbone indeed not quite right,                     
How could any jerks                                         
Accept army perks                                           
Without thinking they might have to fight?                  
                                                            
68363 WARFARE - ARMY                 A. N. Wilkins       P9102



Private MacDonald was built                                 
Like a howitzer under his kilt.                             
He was used in the war                                      
As a substitute for                                         
A bazooka because of the tilt...                            
                                                            
68364 WARFARE - ARMY                 Peter Wilkins            



...Which he varied from zero degrees                        
Up to ninety with consumate ease;                           
Not just vertically true,                                   
Horizontally too,                                           
When he swiveled around on his knees.                       
                                                            
68365 WARFARE - ARMY                 Peter Wilkins            



All honour and glory accrues                                
To the regiment of the Vingt-Deux.                          
Said a girl with delight,                                   
"I don't know about fight,                                  
But the whole twenty-two of them screws."                   
                                                            
68366 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Hugh Oliver           43a



A young soldier, who I'll call Lorne,                       
Regretted the day he was born.                              
He'd been to the barber,                                    
A grudge he did harbour;                                    
His hair was not cut, it was shorn.                         
                                                            
68367 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Arthur Pattaffy          



When a certain group of GI's                                
Who thought themselves rather wise,                         
Let out of the bag                                          
A startled old hag,                                         
They took a long look of surprise.                          
                                                            
68368 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Baxter Sperry       P0111



There once was a soldier named Frank,                       
I don't know his unit or rank,                              
But he played with his "gun,"                               
Because it was fun,                                         
And that's why they called him a Yank.                      
                                                            
68369 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Bob Birch           P0206



A man recently out of the forces,                           
Decided to sit for some courses.                            
He had degrees in a few,                                    
Many others he knew,                                        
But he liked putting carts before horses!                   
                                                            
68370 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Arthur Pattaffy          



An ingenious Sergeant Cooper,                               
For a soldier did something super.                          
Had him cloned, two for one,                                
So that when he was done,                                   
He'd invented a pair o' trooper.                            
                                                            
68371 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



There was an objector at Chirk                              
Who was charged with an impulse to shirk;                   
But he answered, "All action                                
I love to distraction,                                      
But I loathe and abominate work."                           
                                                            
68372 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Anon Punch 1918   (Bibby)



Although a young draftee named King                         
In the army learned many a thing,                           
About men who'd gone wrong                                  
With wine, women, and song,                                 
He was too cultured even to sing.                           
                                                            
68373 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P8901



Few boasted as much as did Joe                              
About what he'd do to the foe,                              
We had simply no doubts                                     
That he'd slaughter the Krauts                              
Till the guy shot himself in the toe.                       
                                                            
68374 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P8901



To the Draft Board young Buddy Mahew                        
Raised quite an uncomfortable stew,                         
And in definite terms                                       
Exclaimed "Listen, you worms,                               
I refuse to be classed as '4Q'!"                            
                                                            
68375 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Grand Prix Lim  452      



Ten cadets and a dog from Moldavia                          
Took a train to Berlin through Moravia.                     
All but the dog                                             
Were ejected at Prague                                      
For lewd and licentious behavia.                            
                                                            
68376 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      David Smith         P9604



Although I am aged 79,                                      
In the army I'm doing just fine.                            
And I've this commendation                                  
From a most grateful nation,                                
For gallantry in the front line.                            
                                                            
68377 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



The enemy I faced single handed,                            
For I heard not "Retreat!", as commanded.                   
And the foe, I'd not flee 'em,                              
I didn't even see 'em,                                      
For I'm deaf and half-blind, I'll be candid.                
                                                            
68378 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



And anyhow, I couldn't crawl,                               
What with my arthritis and all.                             
The pains in my hip,                                        
That were giving me gyp,                                    
If I had heard that officer call.                           
                                                            
68379 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



So there I just had to reside,                              
'Til the counter-attack by our side.                        
Then they called me a hero,                                 
For showing no fear, oh,                                    
They told me that I might have died.                        
                                                            
68380 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



I go to the regiment's functions,                           
And pick up some dame at the luncheons.                     
'Cause strictly between us,                                 
I've still got a penis,                                     
That works with some gal in conjunction.                    
                                                            
68381 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Anon                     



In the desert, an abandoned tank                            
Was wangled by a Yank named Frank.                          
With no women around,                                       
In his vessel, newfound,                                    
Frank the Yank, in his tank, had a wank.                    
                                                            
68382 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Stefan Marianski         



Home on leave in familiar scenes,                           
A recent young draftee named Jeans                          
Really felt like a heel                                     
At his first homecooked meal                                
When he asked for the "fucking green beans"                 
                                                            
68383 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P8901



Then Uncle Sam beckoned to me;                              
"The Army's for you", chuckled he.                          
So I gave him twenty,                                       
But I got back plenty,                                      
Outliving him statisticly.                                  
                                                            
68384 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      L E Ott             P0206



He'd ordered "Hors d'oeuvres for Headquarters,"             
Which the Cook misread "Horse for the mortars."             
Well Sergeant, try booze.                                   
You must never confuse                                      
"Ordures" with the General's orders.                        
                                                            
68385 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Laurence Perrine    P8406



Uncle Artie's come down from the attic;                     
He's an ancient ham-radio fanatic.                          
He "dot-dashed" the war                                     
For the Signal Corp.                                        
(He's convinced he hears "voices" in static.)               
                                                            
68386 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Jim Weaver Collection    



Cousin Tom is a Vietnam vet,                                
Who is horny as horny can get.                              
He claims Agent Orange                                      
Makes him swing like a door hinge,                          
And the Air Force is thus in his debt.                      
                                                            
68387 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      John Miller 0115         



When those paid soldiers, CONDOTTIERI,                      
March off to wars so mercenary,                             
We must think of the Huns                                   
With bayonet guns                                           
In our wars Revolutionary.                                  
                                                            
68388 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Daniel Ford              



A communist comrade, old Fred,                              
Tried to join I. R. A. for his bread.                       
The sergeant replied:                                       
"Wrong cause!" -- and then sighed                           
"Try holy comm-union instead!"                              
                                                            
68389 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8701



A soldier know only as Sarge                                
Had sex with a hooker named Marge.                          
Though only a grunt,                                        
He assaulted her cunt,                                      
And gave her an honorable discharge.                        
                                                            
68390 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



A soldier know only as Sarge                                
Had sex with a hooker named Marge.                          
Though only a grunt,                                        
He assalted her cunt,                                       
And gave her an honorable discharge.                        
                                                            
68391 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Lim of Month  Nov 2000   



Sir Jeremy "Juggernaut" Jones                               
Was a soldier, but not in his bones.                        
He was meek as three lambs,                                 
Wrote love poems in iambs,                                  
And never went near combat zones.                           
                                                            
68392 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Warrick Elrod            



They were lying together undresed,                          
And the lancer was fondling her breast,                     
When he heard his C.O.                                      
Outside in the snow,                                        
Order "Mount!"  He obeyed the request.                      
                                                            
68393 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Lance Payne         P8406



A GI was sent to Ft. Bliss.                                 
He remembered his sweetheart's last kiss.                   
But a girl out on the highway                               
Said, "Let's do it my way."                                 
He said, "Life was never like this."                        
                                                            
68394 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Ed Wolfert          P8406



"I enlisted," confessed Private Lear,                       
"And in three years of service, it's clear                  
If there's one thing I've learned                           
Where the army's concerned,                                 
It's never," he said, "volunteer!"                          
                                                            
68395 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P8901



There was once a professor named Snife,                     
Who grew tired of foxhole life.                             
He longed for the classroom,                                
Where he had more ass-room,                                 
And nights in bed with his wife.                            
                                                            
68396 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                          G0185



There once was a witless recruit                            
Who proved to be less than astute;                          
Congenial and chummy,                                       
He turned out a dummy,                                      
Not learning to shoot or salute.                            
                                                            
68397 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      R. J. Winkler       P8406



Let corporal punishment end, or                             
I'll punish the major offender.                             
And if privates in tents                                    
Have a colonel of sense,                                    
They'll wait for the opposite gender!                       
                                                            
68398 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Lance Payne         P8406



When Ma saw her son in the show,                            
She cried, "I would like much to know,                      
Why they chose raw recruits                                 
To march on these routes,                                   
They're all out of step except Joe."                        
                                                            
68399 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Langford Reed       P8809



An airman in bleak Killaloe,                                
Threw each of his girls in a stew,                          
When in uniform decked,                                     
And with member erect,                                      
He'd come at them, from out of the blue.                    
                                                            
68400 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Keith MacMillan       70d



A rude paratrooper is weird!                                
After the plane had been cleared,                           
Bits waved in the wind.                                     
We women all grinned                                        
"Your meat was well beat!" we all jeered.                   
                                                            
68401 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



GIs found Phoenix City inviting.                            
The bordellos were usually exciting,                        
And not just for sex,                                       
But for the pretexts                                        
That they gave paratroopers for fighting.                   
                                                            
68402 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P9205



Sex in the army, they deprive it.                           
Be all you can be; you'll survive it.                       
There's no escape,                                          
You'll be in shape                                          
Except for your parts that are private.                     
                                                            
68403 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Tom Patton          P9708



The corporals -- all of them drank.                         
Their privates were dirty and stank.                        
Cried the Major, "How vile! --                              
The rank and the file                                       
Are singularly foul and rank.                               
                                                            
68404 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Lance Payne         P8406



A consumate goldbrick named Herring,                        
Whose technique and approach were unerring,                 
Could give viewers the sense                                
He was building a fence,                                    
Without ever actually stirring.                             
                                                            
68405 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P8901



A Scots sergeant said to his men:                           
"Ye've nae primed that gun right, ye ken?"                  
"Too bad," said the gunner,                                 
"'Tis finished, I've done 'er                               
And refuse to refuse again."                                
                                                            
68406 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



Those sergeants from Maine to Iraq,                         
In Texas and in Little Rock,                                
Say, "Drop all those cocks,                                 
And grab all your socks!                                    
It's now 0-500 o'clock."                                    
                                                            
68407 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Al Willis           P9702



The Army's a wonderful life;                                
It free's you from trouble and strife.                      
I care not one jot                                          
If I should get shot;                                       
At least I'll be rid of the wife!                           
                                                            
68408 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Paul Steele              



A sergeant drilled various groups,                          
Expecting well-disciplined troops;                          
He ordered "Assault!"                                       
Some thought he said "Halt!"                                
Disgruntled, he yelled more than "Oops!"                    
                                                            
68409 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      R. J. Winkler       P8406



"My curses on you for a strumpet!                           
I'll blare your affairs with a trumpet!                     
I'll drum you from town!"                                   
He declared with a frown.                                   
"Now what did I do with my drum, pet?"                      
                                                            
68410 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Laurence Perrine    P8406



This tough nasty man, Sergeant Green,                       
Said cynically, viewing the scene,                          
"They are all hot to trot,                                  
But stealthy, they're not!                                  
And none of those harlots are clean."                       
                                                            
68411 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Marlene Lewis            



"Left Turn!" shouted Sar'Major Grey                         
As his vocal chords hit upper A.                            
But his troops onward tramped,                              
From the place they had camped                              
In for most of the previous day.                            
                                                            
68412 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"L E F T   T U R N" bellowed Sar'Major Grey;                
But his troops were just too far away.                      
Up ahead was the top                                        
Of a cliff and a drop                                       
Of some two hundred meters, I'd say.                        
                                                            
68413 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"L E E F F T   T U U R R N! yelled out Sar'Major Grey       
As his blood pressure near boiled away;                     
Turning red as a beet                                       
From his face to his feet,                                  
As his troops still refused to obey.                        
                                                            
68414 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"L E E E F F F T T T ..." screamed poor Sar'Major Grey      
Then in silence he watched in dismay,                       
As his troops marched on over                               
The white cliffs of Dover;                                  
He wiped a small tear-drop away.                            
                                                            
68415 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"YOU FOOL!" bellowed Colonel Dupre;                         
"Those were Frenchmen on exercise, Grey!                    
Now you'll practice again                                   
With those troops from the Seine...                         
A LA GAUCHE! -- that's an order, okay?"                     
                                                            
68416 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"A GAUCHE!" shouted Sar'Major Grey                          
As his troops from the Seine marched away.                  
At the end of the field,                                    
With precision they wheeled...                              
"C'est tre bon, mon ami!", said Dupre.                      
                                                            
68417 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"AAH...GAUCHE! yelled out Sar'Major grey,                   
Whereupon they all turned gauche right away;                
Gratifyingly slick                                          
And exceedingly quick,                                      
With no obvious sign of delay.                              
                                                            
68418 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"AAAH   G A U C H E!" bellowed Sar'Major Grey               
And was happy to see them obey                              
Instantaneously                                             
Twenty feet from the sea                                    
Where their comrads, from earlier, lay.                     
                                                            
68419 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"A A A A A   G A U C H E sputtered Sar'Major Grey.          
('Twas a bitter cold January Day.)                          
Then "AAAH GAUCHE!" came the sneeze                         
Which fair buckled his knees,                               
And a gauche did his squaddies obey.                        
                                                            
68420 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



"You fool!" bellowed Colonel Dupre                          
As "AAAH GAUCHE!" sneezed poor Grey in dismay;              
For his troops wouldn't stop,                               
Turning gauche 'til they dropped                            
To the ground in complete disarray.                         
                                                            
68421 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



Is there no fitter means you could drive at,                
You medical Joes, and arrive at                             
Than this line I'm ajam in? --                              
Some means to examine                                       
The privates of privates in private?                        
                                                            
68422 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Lance Payne         P8406



How the Rajasthan Rifles were run                           
Was a masochist's version of fun:                           
They required their recruits                                
To do short-arm salutes                                     
In the full equatorial sun.                                 
(Rajasthan - region and language in India)                  
68423 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Thomas A. Quinine   P8406



This place is a terrible sight,                             
The Army's not treating us right.                           
My sphincter is loose,                                      
I shit like a goose;                                        
My gonads have shriveled up tight.                          
                                                            
68424 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED                               



The poll-takers checked with precision                      
The men in the army division,                               
As to preference for food                                   
Or a girl to get screwed,                                   
And it was, without fail, 'split decision'!                 
                                                            
68425 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Albin Chaplin   3024-0586



With schemes that were cleverly crafted,                    
Contrived so that conscripts were drafted,                  
The service got many                                        
(Instead of not any)                                        
And most of them learned they got shafted.                  
                                                            
68426 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      R. J.Winkler        P8406



An old soldier who lived on his pension                     
Saw a gal who was lovely past mention.                      
He sighed, "My poor rod,                                    
In the old days, by God,                                    
Would have risen and stood at attention."                   
                                                            
68427 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Scandalous Limerix       



A handsome recruit from Madrid                              
Was possessed of a powerful id.                             
He unsettled the lives                                      
Of his officers' wives,                                     
For whatever his id bid, he did.                            
                                                            
68428 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      Laurence Perrine    P9407



When they shit, they have not the least claim               
To privacy -- pissing the same.                             
When all that they do                                       
Is on public view,                                          
Who could give army privates that name?                     
                                                            
68429 WARFARE - ARMY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P9102



AAAA .... TENtion screamed Brigadier Grey                   
As he lay on his back in the hay,                           
But alas and alack,                                         
It stayed flaccid and slack,                                
Which annoyed his new ladyfriend May.                       
                                                            
68430 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



"You promised me truly," said May,                          
"You could stand to attention all day;                      
But it seems you're all mouth                               
And no trousers down south,                                 
So I'll bid you farewell Mr. Grey."                         
                                                            
68431 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



Brigadier Fotheringay                                       
Had a permanent trouser affray,                             
And his aim when he fired                                   
Was so rarely admired,                                      
For his shooting often went astray.                         
                                                            
68432 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



The club expelled Fotheringay --                            
His mess bills exceeded his pay.                            
He was caught with a book,                                  
And besides which he took                                   
To pig-sticking in QUITE the wrong way.                     
                                                            
68433 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



Old Brigadier Hood (rather smarmy                           
And upper-crust) must have been barmy,                      
To welcome young Grey                                       
On that fateful May day,                                    
To the ranks of the great British Army.                     
                                                            
68434 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



He may at the time have been mad;                           
Or perhaps he quite fancied the lad.                        
For he frequently went ter                                  
The medical center,                                         
To peer at the privates unclad.                             
                                                            
68435 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



Whatever; young Grey passed the test                        
And was issued with battledress, vest,                      
And a pair of new booties                                   
And told of his duties,                                     
To keep 'em both clean and well-pressed.                    
                                                            
68436 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



"TENtion!" screamed Brigadier Hood,                         
As loudly as ever he could.                                 
It shocked the recruits                                     
From their ears to their boots,                             
And put fear in their hearts, as it should.                 
                                                            
68437 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



"You 'orrible, 'ORRIBLE lot!"                               
He bellowed, "You ought to be shot!"                        
"You ought to be what, sir?"                                
"We oughta be shot, sir!                                    
Garotted and shot on the spot."                             
                                                            
68438 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



"And YOU sir, step forward a pace;                          
Your uniform, sir,'s a disgrace!"                           
"Your uniform's what, sir?"                                 
"It's filthy as snotSAH!!"                                  
And so are your boots and your face."                       
                                                            
68439 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



"And stand to attention you fool;                           
This isn't some finishing school.                           
You look like a what, sir?                                  
"A bit of a twat, SAH!!"                                    
"You said it, eh Private O'Toole."                          
                                                            
68440 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



"Now listen you 'orrible lot.                               
You're all that the army has got;                           
And what has it got, sir?                                   
"Us 'orrible lot, sir!"                                     
"Too right and I'm losing the plot."                        
                                                            
68441 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Peter Wilkins            



A Greek general after Thermopylae                           
At once praised the strategic monopoly                      
Of the pass by his men,                                     
But demoted them then,                                      
Since thay had not been uniformed properly.                 
                                                            
68442 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      A. N. Wilkins       P8406



A general, noting a large                                   
Loss of men in a regiment's charge,                         
Asked, "Where is your officer?"                             
"Gone to his office, Sir,                                   
To ponder the cost of dis charge."                          
                                                            
68443 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Laurence Perrine    P8406



Thus did General Bonehead put down                          
All rumors of riot, "My coun-                               
Terrevolution-                                              
Ary solution                                                
Will prevail!"  Him they ran out of town.                   
                                                            
68444 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Michael WeinStein   P8406



The Duke of Wellington said,                                
"This army must be led."                                    
He said, "Follow me, men,                                   
We will beat them again,                                    
Just as soon as I get out of bed."                          
                                                            
68445 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Spike Milligan           



Our generals are chosen, it's said,                         
From the gallant who've fought and who've bled.             
But though the truth galls,                                 
They must be all balls                                      
With an obvious lack of forehead.                           
                                                            
68446 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Arthur Deex         P8406



There was a young wench of Adower                           
Whose face was a fair as a flower.                          
She couldn't say "No, no!"                                  
To General de Bono,                                         
So they called off the war for an hour.                     
(Refers to the Ethiopian War, 1936)                         
68447 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                          G1732



The general's plan was complete.                            
It depended on might and deceit;                            
But the plan that was bred                                  
In the general's head                                       
Ended up in a general defeat.                               
                                                            
68448 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Laurence Perrine    P8406



I'm honored for fart-powered bass                           
And volatile, blockbuster gas.                              
And due to this fame                                        
Gen. H is my name --                                        
The Army's conscripted my ass.                              
                                                            
68449 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



The Bolshevik General embarks                               
To pick up some whores in the parks.                        
One exposes her muffin                                      
And the general starts puffin' --                           
It reminds him so much of Karl Marx.                        
                                                            
68450 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Al Chaplin via Art Deex  



A general remarked with smile brightening,                  
"I never feared thunder or lightning.                       
And a war, as you see,                                      
Has no horrors for me,                                      
But the prospect of peace I find frightening."              
                                                            
68451 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Albin Chaplin   3024-2472



I often go laughing this way,                               
As taught by General Pinochet.                              
Take spammers, quite frantic,                               
Out to mid-Atlantic,                                        
And let them swim back all the way.                         
                                                            
68452 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Xavier Arnolis           



Once the TV reporters were gone,                            
The general said with a yawn,                               
"It's not hard when they need ya'                           
Misleading the media.                                       
I just wish I knew what's going on.                         
                                                            
68453 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      A. N. Wilkins       P9103



Two generals, May and Dismay,                               
Disagreed in a general way.                                 
May's might in defense                                      
At the public expense                                       
Made no sense to the General Dismay.                        
                                                            
68454 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Lauarence Perrine   P8406



Laughed Brigadier General Willett,                          
"The shoe fits, so soldier, just fill it.                   
You lucky young fellow,                                     
Your room's a bordello;                                     
You're lodged in a cathouse by billet."                     
                                                            
68455 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Armand E Singer       460



American Generals can hardly go wrong;                      
In small countries, they come on so strong.                 
These military Yankers                                      
Were an army of wankers,                                    
When they lost to the little Viet Cong.                     
                                                            
68456 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Tony Burrell             



You're right, and that was a stench                         
Like a second-hand fifty-cent wench.                        
I think we were wrong                                       
Not to help the Viet Cong,                                  
In ridding the place of the French.                         
                                                            
68457 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      John Miller              



I suppose it's just mess table chaff                        
Put about for an innocent laugh,                            
That Monty's baton                                          
Had a condom thereon                                        
And was known as The General Staff.                         
                                                            
68458 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      John E Mayhood           



There once was a leader of France                           
Who in Belgium thought he'd take a chance.                  
After which his design                                      
Was that England resign,                                    
But Wellington stopped his advance.                         
                                                            
68459 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Literary Group           



I had an affair with a general                              
Who was not the most virile of men; ral-                    
Lying once a week                                           
Was the norm for this freak --                              
I hardly would call our sin vener'al.                       
                                                            
68460 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Robin K. Willoughby P8406



Perestroika's beginning to tell,                            
For the generals cannot dispel                              
The feeling of gloom                                        
From impending doom.                                        
For them, they say, no war is hell.                         
                                                            
68461 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      A N Wilkins       P9005  



General Patton had started to fret.                         
"Those guys in DC are all wet.                              
I said this to Ike,                                         
'I face the Third Reich!                                    
Is that all the tanks that I get?'"                         
                                                            
68462 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Al Willis                



The Generals musn't keep score                              
Of outcomes, if you go to war:                              
End contradictory,                                          
A Pyrhhic Victory                                           
Is just what they try to ignore.                            
                                                            
68463 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Chris Papa               



Can a man serve his country if gay?                         
It's a question that's asked to this day.                   
Well General Queero,                                        
A byzantine hero,                                           
Shows each can serve in his own way.                        
                                                            
68464 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



General Queero was such a great charmer,                    
But in battle was quite the alarmer.                        
When the going got tough,                                   
He would show his true stuff                                
With a widening stain on his armor.                         
                                                            
68465 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



When a messenger ran into camp                              
(A handsome attractive young scamp)                         
The message related:                                        
"The empires invaded!"                                      
The generals skivvies grew damp!                            
                                                            
68466 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



"The hordes have come out of Mongolia;                      
They're rampaging through Anatolia                          
On their way to Byzantium.                                  
Where we hope to stanch 'em.                                
If they catch ya they're sure to cornhole ya!"              
                                                            
68467 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



Said the general, "Things could be worse,                   
Since to cornholin' I ain't averse.                         
I'll slow the horde down                                    
While you rally the town;                                   
Hold on while I go fetch my purse"                          
                                                            
68468 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



"I'll take on the chinks by the score;                      
Ten thousand at least maybe more.                           
There's no time for tactics;                                
I need prophylactics.                                       
This looks like a real Trojan war"                          
                                                            
68469 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



But the general succumbed to the trial;                     
Took 'em all up his ass single file.                        
They plundered his booty                                    
Till he died in his duty,                                   
It took two weeks to wipe off the smile                     
                                                            
68470 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



Such things are depraved you may say,                       
But the city was saved on that day.                         
When General Queero                                         
Became a great hero,                                        
By throwing his ass in the fray.                            
                                                            
68471 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS                               



A White Russian general embarks                             
To gather some whores in the parks.                         
One opens her crack,                                        
But the general draws back --                               
It reminds him too much of Karl Marx.                       
                                                            
68472 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Albin Chaplin   3024-2032



There was a discreet Brigadier,                             
Very fond of Four Thousand a year,                          
Who, when her heard the guns rattle,                        
Fiercely cried, "Ha! The Battle!"                           
Then complacently slid to the rear.                         
                                                            
68473 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Carolyn Wells            



General Sir Marmaduke Maye                                  
To recall holding Afgans at bay,                            
Had tattooed on his ass                                     
A view of Khyber Pass,                                      
With his troops in full battle array.                       
                                                            
68474 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Warrick Elrod            



Egyptian General Gammel                                     
Wore underwear made of enamel.                              
Without it, his tenting                                     
Had the men commenting,                                     
"Where'd he get the three humps on the camel?"              
                                                            
68475 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Mr Malo                  



General Patton arrived with his tanks                       
And the French girls turned out to say thanks.              
And those who approved                                      
Had their undies removed,                                   
Assisted by several strong Yanks.                           
                                                            
68476 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Bob Giandomenico    P8901



Westmoreland, so went the old claim,                        
Was a superstud.  Vast was his fame.                        
But girls found out quick                                   
That to have a big prick,                                   
And to be one just isn't the same.                          
                                                            
68477 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Michael Weinstein   P8406



The Gulf War was a triumph for Norman,                      
Stormin' Norman who led the allied warmen.                  
In the Wild West days of yore,                              
He would have , I am sure,                                  
Been the marshall, the sheriff or lawman!                   
                                                            
68478 WARFARE - ARMY - GENERALS      Arthur Pattaffy          



A colonel who served in Karachi                             
Had undies most rigid and starchy,                          
So that even 'at ease'                                      
Or in the mess, he's                                        
A great aerial for the Hitachi.                             
                                                            
68479 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Lucy                     



Right, Sergeant, I've studied the plan,                     
That coast there is Afghanistan.                            
It's land-locked?  Oh no!                                   
You see we can row                                          
Ashore.  Come, what's wrong with you, man.                  
                                                            
68480 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Tiddy Ogg                



I say, local peasant, come here.                            
Is that Ossie Laden bloke, near?                            
What's that you say, mister?                                
Me jig-jig your sister?                                     
Some afghani tart?  Oh no fear.                             
                                                            
68481 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Tiddy Ogg                



You what?  Hey there, Sergeant, this chap                   
Is certainly talking pure crap.                             
He says the most danger                                     
To an innocent stranger,                                    
Is an officer, dumb, with a map.                            
                                                            
68482 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Tiddy Ogg                



"You fool!  Now there'll be hell to pay,"                   
Said the sergeant, on the Spanish quay;                     
"Please err to the East,                                    
So if we miss our beach,                                    
We hit nude beaches at St Tropez!                           
                                                            
68483 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Dr Limerick              



Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar                                 
Was sent to the front by the Czar,                          
Where he fell to the rear                                   
Of Abdul Amir,                                              
And buggered the rest of the war.                           
                                                            
68484 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS                               



A Major, whose mutinous trews,                              
Got him smartly cashiered from the Blues,                   
Found alternate employ --                                   
Hired his pride and his joy                                 
As a cool, shady place for a snooze.                        
                                                            
68485 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Lucy                     



My friend, a U.S. Army colonel,                             
Had manners and language infernal.                          
As he went into action                                      
He'd mellow a fraction;                                     
It was blamed on assignments nocturnal!                     
                                                            
68486 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Arthur Pattaffy          



Two colonels, between desert bases,                         
Once ordered their men: "Stop!  Oases!"                     
Informed entourages                                         
Who knew these mirages                                      
With glee watched them sand both their faces!               
                                                            
68487 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Prof M-G                 



A commander assigned to Calcutta                            
Was the sort who would stammer and stutter.                 
He procured his cigars                                      
In the finest bazaars,                                      
But his girlfriends he got from the gutter.                 
                                                            
68488 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Thomas A. Quinine   P8506



A lieutenant was full to the brim                           
Of strategy, tactics, and trim.                             
The broads had a notion                                     
He was due for promotion,                                   
The way staff work was handled by him.                      
                                                            
68489 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Bill Backe-Hansen   P8406



In the army once was a gay colonel,                         
Who wrote all he did in his jolonel.                        
His wife found it one day                                   
And loudly did say,                                         
"I think this is simply infolonel!"                         
                                                            
68490 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Yale Record         P0007



Teenager, teenager, teenager,                               
I'll make with you now a small wager:                       
Whether coalminer's son                                     
Or son-of-a-gun,                                            
You'll chute up from miner to Major.                        
                                                            
68491 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Laurence Perrine    P8503



"Tell me, what's going on at HQ?"                           
"Why, Colonel, we thought that you knew.                    
We've aimed all our mortars                                 
At Nurses' Headquarters.                                    
We hope, before long, to break through."                    
                                                            
68492 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Lance Payne         P8406



An officer's pay is too low                                 
To allow him to make a great show,                          
For it doesn't make sense                                   
To charge an expense                                        
When one ought to be charging the foe.                      
                                                            
68493 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Laurence Perrine    P8406



A report now from Wolf Blitzer live; it's                   
A scoop for The World News at Five; it's                    
A new prison tenant,                                        
A pervert lieutenant,                                       
Who can't keep his hands off his privates.                  
                                                            
68494 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Larry Hollister          



An infantry captain named Bowes,                            
As the company orders disclose,                             
Had the urinals raised                                      
As the corporals gazed,                                     
Just to keep all the men on their toes.                     
                                                            
68495 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      A. N. Wilkins       P8406



Now one of von Richthofen's tricks,                         
Which made enemy pilots shit bricks,                        
Was to put on his scarf                                     
(A full mile-and-a-half)                                    
And support it behind him on sticks ..                      
                                                            
68496 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Peter Wilkins            



..To give the impression of speed                           
So alarmingly rapid indeed,                                 
That the enemy, awed                                        
And transfixed muttered "Gawd!"                             
And then "Blimey!" or "Bugger, I've peed."                  
                                                            
68497 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Peter Wilkins            



Von Richtoffen, damen und herren,                           
Was so much in love with wife Karen,                        
They'd fuck, scarlet faced,                                 
Till his heart and pulse raced...                           
No kids though, for poor old Red's barren.                  
                                                            
68498 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Tiddy Ogg                



A second-lieutenant named Ames                              
Delighted a number of dames                                 
By using a ruse                                             
Designed to amuse,                                          
While playing unusual games.                                
                                                            
68499 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      R. J. Wilkins       P8406



A stupid cadet at West Point                                
Got caught while smoking a joint.                           
At the end of that day,                                     
He no longer wore grey;                                     
His parents he did disappoint.                              
                                                            
68500 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Thomas A Ratliff    P0308



Go go go go go go go go boot!                               
Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight loot!       
Win win win win win win                                     
Win win win win win win                                     
Win win win win win win win win shoot.                      
                                                            
68501 WARFARE - ARMY - OFFICERS      Anon                     



From the most recent news, me-thinks                        
We ought not be bombing the chinks.                         
I don't think them red commies                              
Are fond of our bombies,                                    
Especially since our aim stinks.                            
(accidently bombed Chinese Embassy 1999 in Kosovo)          
68502 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



I have heard enough, please,                                
From the lousy chinese.                                     
Daily at home,                                              
They kill their own;                                        
They should be fond of our deeds.                           
                                                            
68503 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



Choosing targets is kind of an art                          
That sets intelligence people apart                         
From the average chap;                                      
Just buy a good map                                         
For each aimpoint; you then throw a dart!                   
                                                            
68504 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



When the Chinese insist that we choose 'em;                 
To deliberately and brutally abuse 'em;                     
Then sure you can reckon                                    
On our next secret weapon,                                  
We dispatch Miss Lewinsky to soothe 'em.                    
                                                            
68505 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



Believe me, I'm not worried, friend;                        
I'm so glad that with each bomb we send,                    
No CIA dunce                                                
Has ever yet once,                                          
Put me on the receiving end.                                
                                                            
68506 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



With a whoosh and a flash and ker-plooey!                   
A few chinks are reduced to chop suey.                      
After all of their lying                                    
About nuclear spying,                                       
We don't think its an accident, do we?                      
                                                            
68507 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



There was an old soldier named Frank,                       
Kept his gun in the house as a prank.                       
When the cops came to look,                                 
They all trembled and shook;                                
'Twas not small!  'Twas a large anti-tank!                  
                                                            
68508 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Arthur Pattaffy          



Fifty years later, some people swear                        
"Little Boy" and "Fat Man" did their share.                 
While other lament                                          
Those bombs being sent,                                     
I just say with a shrug, "C'est la guerre."                 
                                                            
68509 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9509



To folks who are still singing psalms                       
Of achieving our goals, using bombs:                        
I would guess that depends --                               
Is one of our ends                                          
Blasting hospitals, children and moms?                      
                                                            
68510 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



All's quiet along the Potomac.                              
The Skybolt's asleep with the Bomarc.                       
The Kennedy sings                                           
To the last of the kings,                                   
And the diplomat fills his estomac.                         
                                                            
68511 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Conrad Aiken        P0900



"Hey captain, a building's still standing,                  
Just right for a half-ton bomb's landing.                   
Red cross on the top?                                       
You don't want to stop?                                     
OK sir, it's you that's commanding."                        
                                                            
68512 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



"That food aid down there that we smashed?                  
It's Euro-crap, all utter trash.                            
We'll send 'em some more                                    
From our vast Merkin store,                                 
And give our producers some cash."                          
                                                            
68513 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



A man by the named of Jerome                                
Said, "Let's bring Americans home.                          
We'll get out of Vietnam                                    
Which is not worth a damn,                                  
We should then bomb the Pope's palace in Rome."             
                                                            
68514 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Albin Chaplin            



War only leads to perdition                                 
And to end it, I've made it my mission.                     
But the Serbs disagree                                      
And I therefore decree,                                     
We will bomb their ass into submission!                     
                                                            
68515 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



You can't see the wood for the trees,                       
Tim McVey sure brought you to your knees,                   
So he had to fry.                                           
But please tell me why                                      
You dropped napalm on young Vietnamese?                     
                                                            
68516 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tony Burrell             



Sometimes you're happy; sometimes you're blue.              
Sometimes the past comes back to haunt you.                 
I agree that execution                                      
Is an appropriate solution,                                 
But for which bombers and by who?                           
                                                            
68517 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tony Burrell             



Old Glory waves proudly unfurled                            
To honor the bombs that we've hurled,                       
And soon folks will say:                                    
"The great U.S.A.                                           
Owns all of the land in the world!"                         
                                                            
68518 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



The Crusader's supporters are hustlin'                      
To save it from procurement's dustbin;                      
We'll need it, at least,                                    
In the Middle East --                                       
Its name shows it's made to kill Muslims.                   
                                                            
68519 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  05-08-02    



Ending this crazy arms race,                                
Is something we all have to face.                           
We need no more bombs,                                      
Koreas or 'Nams;                                            
Destroy instead of replace.                                 
                                                            
68520 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Gifford Wherry           



If it ever becomes your fate,                               
Stuck where a nuke will detonate,                           
Don't run for your car;                                     
You will not get far.                                       
Me? I would just evacuate.                                  
                                                            
68521 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tom Myers                



The best plan is simply to wait,                            
Since traffic jams infuriate.                               
I will not engage                                           
In hostile road rage;                                       
It's better to evaporate!                                   
                                                            
68522 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Travis Brasell           



It's advice from out of the Pentateuch;                     
Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, plague for nuke.              
Some acts are so vile                                       
That there is no time for trial;                            
Our missles will give our rebuke.                           
                                                            
68523 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  03-09-02    



But won't fallout and new radiation                         
Cause cancers, and other mutations?                         
Similar to the others,                                      
It could be the mother                                      
Of all biological agents.                                   
                                                            
68524 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  03-09-02    



The nuclear test was, no doubt,                             
Successful, but d'you hear about                            
Marie and Tyrone                                            
Making love in that zone...                                 
A pity 'bout their falling out.                             
                                                            
68525 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tiddy                    



We dropped a big bomb on the Japs;                          
They'd been led astray by satraps.                          
With atomic scission                                        
A Fat Man of fission                                        
Vaporized them while taking their naps.                     
                                                            
68526 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Eric Seaberg             



An early machine gun called a Gatling,                      
When fired, it wouldn't stop rattling.                      
The gunners were shaking;                                   
This was not due to faking;                                 
The gunners' hands soon looked like crackling.              
                                                            
68527 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Arthur Pattaffy          



Here's a survey that needs to be done,                      
On the merits of having a gun;                              
Ask anyone harmed                                           
But a thug who was armed,                                   
If he wishes he, too, had had one.                          
                                                            
68528 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Frank Petersohn          



There was a mechanic of Annick,                             
Whose feelings were anti-Germanic.                          
So when war had begun,                                      
He constructed a gun,                                       
Whose dimensions were simply titanic.                       
                                                            
68529 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Langston Reed            



An impudent fellow named Pruitt                             
Found poison in caribou suet.                               
"If I tell Dr Wood                                          
That it's not any good,                                     
I'll rue it," said Pruitt, "so screw it."                   
(espoused making Alaskan harbor with a-bombs)               
68530 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Anon                     



As the tensions are reaching their crest,                   
India's conducting a test                                   
Of its newest missle                                        
For atomic epistles,                                        
To Pakistan cities addressed.                               
                                                            
68531 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  01-25-02    



A clumsy young soldier named Tom                            
Fell flat with a thousand-pound bomb.                       
And now up on Mars,                                         
They are saying, "My stars!                                 
Where on Earth did you emigrate from?"                      
                                                            
68532 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



The Irish I don't really hate,                              
But the IRA makes me irate.                                 
All the bombers are dopes,                                  
Round their necks should be ropes;                          
To drop them from gallows would be great.                   
                                                            
68533 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Mushroom                 



A bomb that was from IRA                                    
Was supposed to go off one day.                             
But Paddy was thick                                         
And put in the wrong wick,                                  
And it wound up a fireworks display.                        
                                                            
68534 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Mushroom                 



"The grenades that the fuckin' Japs use                     
Are so lousy," declared Sergeant Hughes,                    
"That a Jap, battle weary,                                  
With one tried hari-kari,                                   
And suffered no more than a bruise."                        
                                                            
68535 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        A. N. Wilkins       P8901



Half a century plus is the span                             
Since the Bomb was laid on Japan;                           
Though only just nine,                                      
I remember just fine                                        
When the nuclear shit hit the fan!                          
                                                            
68536 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        John Miller 0050b        



Had the Bomb first been built by Japan,                     
It's use would, of course, have been banned.                
From pure love they'd have stopped it,                      
They'd never have dropped it.                               
(Just how much bullshit can you stand?)                     
                                                            
68537 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Jim Menger          P9403



If Japan got the BOMB, though we'd cuss,                    
Hirohito would say without fuss,                            
"Since Pearl Harbor, I think,                               
I have not slept a wink.                                    
Please take it and drop it on us."                          
                                                            
68538 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Al Chaplin          P9403



The Jap sons of heaven may boast                            
That since they could shell the West Coast,                 
If they had the Bomb,                                       
They would have stayed calm,                                
And not turned our parents to toast.                        
                                                            
68539 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Larry J. Davis      P9403



Believe this canard if you like,                            
But they would be likely to strike                          
That very same day;                                         
Then give it away,                                          
To their lovely friends in the Reich.                       
                                                            
68540 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Larry J. Davis      P9403



The way the conglomerate flouts                             
All decency, ends any doubts                                
That the world's gone to Hell;                              
What GI could foretell                                      
That Jeeps would be made by the Krauts?                     
                                                            
68541 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        A N Wilkins         P9812



Our Lesley is a whiz with a knife;                          
'Round her we will never cause strife,                      
Or else we will lose                                        
What we prize in our trews,                                 
And normally save for the wife!                             
                                                            
68542 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Archie                   



There was a young girl of the Somme,                        
Who sat on a number five bomb.                              
She thought 'twas a dud 'un,                                
But it went off sudden --                                   
Her exit was made with aplomb!                              
                                                            
68543 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Wipers Times 1916 (Bibby)



A scientist working at Sandia                               
Found a way to make larger bombs handier.                   
The result of a test                                        
In the desert Southwest,                                    
Turned the land close at hand even sandier.                 
                                                            
68544 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Chris Marks              



This soldier who married his tank,                          
Thought that it was just a big prank.                       
The tank laughed and laughed;                               
It had a crankshaft!                                        
The soldier can do naught but wank.                         
                                                            
68545 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



Of terrorists there's a reduction.                          
A teacher's been seized, causing ruction.                   
He'd rule, calculator,                                      
Graph sheets, curve creator...                              
They're weapons all of maths instruction.                   
                                                            
68546 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tiddy Ogg                



"My dear, you've lost your loving touch;                    
So much for concordance and such."                          
Said the wife, with a snigger,                              
As she pulled the trigger,                                  
"Here lately, I've missed you so much!"                     
                                                            
68547 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Matthew Montchalin       



The DoD should not be judged                                
On the test GAO says was fudged;                            
The results are quite clear                                 
From the test of last year,                                 
That our missle defense can't be dodged.                    
                                                            
68548 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  03-04-02    



Then please give us info complete                           
To audit last year's spendid feat.                          
Sorry, we regret                                            
To say it's Top Secret,                                     
And will be 'til it's obsolete.                             
                                                            
68549 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  03-04-02    



"To end all the commotion and stir                          
About MX missles," said Kerr,                               
"They should hide them away                                 
In mail trucks today.                                       
Then no one would know where they were."                    
                                                            
68550 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Arthur N. Wilkins   P8304



There was a young fellow named Tom                          
Who constructed a wonderful bomb.                           
His zeal was commendable,                                   
But Tom was expendable --                                   
There was not enough left to embalm.                        
                                                            
68551 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Glen Hughes         P0201



If you have to make a big fuss                              
And act like a crotchety cuss,                              
Territorial glomming                                        
Will earn you a bombing;                                    
Its best if you don't fuck with us.                         
                                                            
68552 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS                                 



"The salt mines?  Oh spare me the salt!                     
That Russia's no more, ain't my fault!"                     
"Yes it is, Igor dear,                                      
For you should have kept clear                              
Of that button marked "Nuke" in the vault!"                 
                                                            
68553 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Peter Wilkins            



When the O-bomb gfoes off near their trench,                
All the soldiers will act like they're French.              
They will wank 'til they're blind,                          
Meanwhile trying to find                                    
Enough Kleenex to clean up their drench.                    
(orgasm bomb makes enemy troops helpless)                   
68554 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Allen Wolverton          



Over Iraq we'll drop an O-bomb,                             
Then the only thing from Saddam                             
That we'll likely hear                                      
Are moans of good cheer,                                    
And whining about sore hairy palms.                         
                                                            
68555 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Carol                    



The Prez of the U.S. of A.                                  
Had sex in the White House one day.                         
They did naked rolls                                        
On the nuclear controls,                                    
And blew North Korea Away.                                  
                                                            
68556 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Anon                     



The photographer was sent on assignment,                    
To stay with a missile consignment.                         
A trajectory change                                         
When out on the range;                                      
Arms, legs and lens all off alignment.                      
                                                            
68557 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Arthur Pattaffy          



The Army has numerous tanks,                                
Assigned to its armored force ranks.                        
They are hard to conceal                                    
As they rumble and squeal,                                  
Along with their rattles and clanks.                        
                                                            
68558 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Thomas Ratliff      P0304



There was a young person named Frank.                       
Who was keen to manoeuvre a tank;                           
But when given the chance,                                  
Made directly for France,                                   
Went rather too far, so he sank.                            
                                                            
68559 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Mark Wainwright          



When Scud missiles to Israel were shot,                     
The answer was the Patriot.                                 
There were thirty nine hits,                                
Quite a few in wee bits,                                    
With few casualties, believe it or not.                     
                                                            
68560 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Arthur Pattaffy          



A Frenchman who always wore creases,                        
Played cricket with two of his nieces,                      
By the edge of the Rhine,                                   
When he stepped on a mine,                                  
And was blown into thousands of pieces.                     
                                                            
68561 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Cap'n Bean          P2005



This shipment of submachine ammo                            
Is defective, and makes our guns jam o-                     
Pen, making them stutter,                                   
Unless we add butter,                                       
Whence the ammo unjams and goes "BLAMMO!"                   
                                                            
68562 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Robin K. Willoughby P8406



There once was a wise politician                            
Who said, "I have faith in my mission;                      
But if this bloody bomb                                     
Kills the fellows it's from,                                
Then I'm placed in an awful position."                      
                                                            
68563 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        A. M. Sayers             



Whenever you go buy a gun,                                  
A background check's part of the fun.                       
But the FBI can't know                                      
This private info,                                          
No matter what they think you have done.                    
                                                            
68564 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  12-06-01    



Ashcroft can detain you forever,                            
Or eavesdrop on you and whomever;                           
You'll be secretly tried                                    
And might secretly die,                                     
But your right to bear arms they can't sever.               
                                                            
68565 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick  12-06-01    



Nearly sixty years back, in the blitz,                      
I was scared nearly to bits.                                
I'd fall to the floor                                       
When I heard a plane's roar:                                
Will ours be the house that it hits.                        
                                                            
68566 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tiddy Ogg                



From now on, I was not in a funk.                           
They'd not write Tiddy Ogg on their junk.                   
I'd do no more cringin',                                    
When I heard a plane's engine;                              
I would sleep quite sound in my bunk.                       
                                                            
68567 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tiddy Ogg                



No, I was not scared any more.                              
I heeded my old dad's folk-lore.                            
No, I'd not be caught,                                      
But I did spare a thought,                                  
For the Doodlebug family next door.                         
                                                            
68568 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tiddy Ogg                



My dad calmed me down, saying "Son,                         
If it's got your name on it you're done.                    
If not, you're OK;                                          
You'll see another day;                                     
Otherwise then there's nowhere to run."                     
                                                            
68569 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Tiddy Ogg                



A nation with manner quite trusting                         
Said peace was a subject disgusting.                        
When they got into war                                      
All their profits did soar,                                 
And it kept all the weapons from rusting.                   
                                                            
68570 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Albin Chaplin            



We all know St. Francis' prayer...                          
And Nathan Hale's words of despair,                         
But which diplomat                                          
Said, "What the hell's that?"                               
The answer?  Hiroshima's mayor.                             
                                                            
68571 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Arthur Deex         P9003



Our pilots, aggressive and zealous,                         
Make all other services jealous.                            
We applaud them, and yet,                                   
We shouldn't forget,                                        
We know just what they choose to tell us.                   
                                                            
68572 WARFARE - BOMBS/WEAPONS        Dr Limerick              



On Lake Erie the battle went fine;                          
The British were forced to resign.                          
Said Perry, the victor,                                     
"Great Britain - I've licked her -                          
Take the Union Jack off and raise mine."                    
                                                            
68573 WARFARE - HISTORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



The troops thought he was insane,                           
When Geronimo jumped from the plane.                        
But they knew that he had                                   
Begun a new fad,                                            
When he fell while screaming his name!                      
                                                            
68574 WARFARE - HISTORY              Jumpin Jack              



On his deathbed, a vicious old Hun                          
Confessed all the evil he'd done.                           
He had beaten his wife                                      
Throughout married life,                                    
But he chuckled, "At least it was fun."                     
                                                            
68575 WARFARE - HISTORY              Isaac Asimov             



The British uniforms were red                               
So they'd not know if they had bled.                        
And from the waist-line down,                               
Their uniforms were brown,                                  
To blend with bullets overhead.                             
                                                            
68576 WARFARE - HISTORY              Irving Superior          



"With the Krauts now no faternization."                     
General Patton gave this explanation:                       
"You may copulate freely                                    
And fraternize really                                       
As long as there's no conversation."                        
                                                            
68577 WARFARE - HISTORY              A. N. Wilkins       P8901



It's my guess that George Custer opined                     
Marcus Reno just must have been blind.                      
For the Major that morn                                     
At the Little Big Horn,                                     
Couldn't locate troops he tried to find.                    
                                                            
68578 WARFARE - HISTORY              Loren Fitzhugh           



These days the world likes to remember                      
Hiroshima and Nagasaki in embers.                           
But they tend to forget                                     
What led up to it;                                          
Pearl Harbor, the seventh of December                       
                                                            
68579 WARFARE - HISTORY              Azul                     



I almost forgot to remember                                 
What happened that day in December,                         
Nineteen Forty One,                                         
When the Jap Rising Sun,                                    
Left Pearl Harbor a smoldering ember.                       
                                                            
68580 WARFARE - HISTORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



What a terrible humiliation                                 
When the Japanese humbled our nation!                       
That they made us a clown                                   
With our pants falling down;                                
That day rivaled Hawaii's devastation.                      
                                                            
68581 WARFARE - HISTORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



I remember well that August day                             
When THE BOMB blew the Jap war away.                        
Pastor screamed, "I ain't glad.                             
It's a sin and I'm mad,                                     
When ENOLA said, 'I'm one proud GAY'."                      
(apologies to P. Tibbets and his mother)                    
68582 WARFARE - HISTORY              Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



In Flander's fields poppies still grow                      
And flying high, bird songs still flow.                     
Beneath the tilled soil,                                    
Lost spirits still toil --                                  
We died, under orders, you know.                            
                                                            
68583 WARFARE - HISTORY              Archie                   



They said, it's the war to end war.                         
We willingly went and lots more.                            
But since we have died,                                     
More widows have cried.                                     
Please tell us just what we died for?                       
                                                            
68584 WARFARE - HISTORY              Archie                   



And old men, they told us to fight;                         
And we believed them, it was right!                         
They made up the rules,                                     
And made us just tools,                                     
Then paid for the crosses so bright!                        
                                                            
68585 WARFARE - HISTORY              Archie                   



Old men still send young men to die                         
And now hear our granddaughters cry,                        
As down through the ages                                    
That bloodlust still rages.                                 
Why the Hell did we even try?                               
                                                            
68586 WARFARE - HISTORY              Archie                   



My dad in the War flew Spitfires,                           
And fought with the Boche o'er the shires.                  
Confirmed kills of seven,                                   
With one over Devon;                                        
Of flyers, an Ace!...And of sires.                          
                                                            
68587 WARFARE - HISTORY              Ogni Gioa                



There's a story they tell rather sadly                      
Of that excellent General Bradley.                          
His tactics appealed                                        
To the troops in the field,                                 
But with girls in the mess they failed badly.               
                                                            
68588 WARFARE - HISTORY              John E Mayhood           



The Brits had their Monty Montgomery                        
Whose court martial might have been summary,                
When Dickie Mountbatten                                     
Told General Patton                                         
That Monty said Ike was all flummery.                       
                                                            
68589 WARFARE - HISTORY              John E Mayhood           



At Civil War's end, an old Yankee                           
Burned Georgia because he was cranky.                       
Those sweet Southern Belles                                 
Were all blonde bombshells,                                 
But they told him no hanky-panky.                           
                                                            
68590 WARFARE - HISTORY                                       



Was young Hannibal's reasoning firm?                        
I still wonder and would like to learn                      
Why in God's name would he,                                 
When those Alps he did see,                                 
Suggest crossing them by Pachyderm?                         
                                                            
68591 WARFARE - HISTORY              Loren Fitzhugh           



Those who fought for the home of the brave,                 
In remembrance brass plaques are engraved;                  
Great heroes that died,                                     
Heroines by there side,                                     
Sacrifice that our flag may long wave.                      
                                                            
68592 WARFARE - HISTORY                                       



The British in France, it appears,                          
Waged battles for one hundred years.                        
Now they said it was grand,                                 
A quite chivalric stand,                                    
But the loot they took came out their ears.                 
                                                            
68593 WARFARE - HISTORY              Warrick Elrod            



When the Bosches set fire to Louvain,                       
It caused the All-Mightiest pain;                           
They say that the heart                                     
Was the sensitive part,                                     
And I fear it is bleeding again.                            
                                                            
68594 WARFARE - HISTORY              Anon Punch 1918   (Bibby)



Admiral Nelson, zapped on his last cruise,                  
Was preserved in a keg of hard booze.                       
When the keg was uncapped                                   
The good admiral was tapped,                                
To the smiles and applause of his crews.                    
                                                            
68595 WARFARE - HISTORY              William N Nesbit         



The death march on the isle of Bataan                       
Atrocities that were part of their plan;                    
The Bushido creed                                           
That Samurai heed;                                          
They would have fought to the very last man.                
                                                            
68596 WARFARE - HISTORY              Jim Weaver Collection    



In World War II the Germans found                           
Instead of through, to go around                            
The Maginot Line.                                           
"Imagine no line                                            
And Ein Zwei Drei, we're Paris bound."                      
                                                            
68597 WARFARE - HISTORY              Irving Superior     P8901



It was Larry of Araby's brass                               
Which induced him to fondle the ass                         
Of a truculent Turk                                         
Who made very short work                                    
Of our hero's advances, alas!                               
                                                            
68598 WARFARE - HISTORY              Thomas A. Quinine   P8407



Americans ten thousand strong                               
Defeated the frenzied Viet Cong.                            
They took over the area                                     
But they lost to malaria;                                   
The survivors did not stay too long.                        
                                                            
68599 WARFARE - HISTORY              Albin Chaplin            



It's been 45 years since I shouted                          
"Hurray!" For an enemy routed.                              
I don't, by and large,                                      
Give a damn who's in charge,                                
When the might of our Pentagon's flouted.                   
                                                            
68600 WARFARE - HISTORY                                       



My kids have just been away,                                
A week at their Granny's to stay.                           
The house has been quiet;                                   
No shouting, no riot!                                       
More peace than for many a day.                             
                                                            
68601 WARFARE - HISTORY              Joie de Vivre            



No babies, no sitters, we're free!                          
We went to the pictures to see                              
A film...Private Ryan,                                      
Got me to cryin'.                                           
The poignacy did upset me.                                  
                                                            
68602 WARFARE - HISTORY              Joie de Vivre            



To Omaha Beach I have been;                                 
The cemetery there I have seen;                             
Rows of white crosses                                       
And stars.  Oh, the losses                                  
To life.  So immense and obscene.                           
                                                            
68603 WARFARE - HISTORY              Joie de Vivre            



The greatest of Want Ads -- War Two --                      
Shows grim Uncle Sam, "I WANT YOU,"                         
On walls everywhere                                         
To make us aware                                            
Our blood type was Red, White, and Blue.                    
                                                            
68604 WARFARE - HISTORY              Irving Superior     P8703



At the Third Army whorehouse 'am Rhein',                    
The GIs all saw old Patton's sign,                          
Once they'd made the steep climb                            
Up the stairs: "Don't waste time!                           
Other soldiers are waiting in line."                        
                                                            
68605 WARFARE - HISTORY              A. N. Wilkins       P9205



Let's remember Pearl Harbor again                           
And vow that we'll always make plain                        
That we'll take no crap                                     
From an Arab or Jap,                                        
As we recently proved with Hussein.                         
                                                            
68606 WARFARE - HISTORY              John Miller 0173         



A book lover went into a store                              
To read every book that he saw,                             
On Korea and Vietnam,                                       
Iraq, Kuwait and Iran,                                      
'Cause he said I'm a student of war.                        
                                                            
68607 WARFARE - HISTORY              Arthur Pattaffy          



Let's join the war, the US guys cried,                      
But it took them too long to decide,                        
That the Brits had it won,                                  
But it seemed so much fun,                                  
That the Yanks went along for the ride.                     
                                                            
68608 WARFARE - HISTORY              Dr Limerick              



Brits, French, Germans strung in a line,                    
From Antwerp to the banks of the Rhine,                     
And there matters stood,                                    
Until Belleau Wood,                                         
When the Yankees arrived, just in time!                     
                                                            
68609 WARFARE - HISTORY              Dr Limerick              



Yankee Generals love great panoramas;                       
World War II and other such dramas.                         
But they only can win                                       
When they've got Errol Flynn.                               
They can't beat guys with black pajamas.                    
                                                            
68610 WARFARE - HISTORY              Dr Limerick              



General Giap learned to easily confound                     
The American giant, musclebound.                            
The humiliation                                             
Of the number one nation,                                   
Was like what once happened at Yorktown.                    
                                                            
68611 WARFARE - HISTORY              Dr Limerick              



Remember on Veterans Day                                    
How you served in that comfortable way.                     
You were looking for cunt                                   
While the bastards up front                                 
Has their asses shot off in the fray.                       
                                                            
68612 WARFARE - HISTORY              A. N. Wilkins       P8612



To say "They died for nothing"'s a lie.                     
On the plains of Ukraine, in the sky                        
Above the Channel, on the sands                             
Of Africa, in France;                                       
They died so that others might die.                         
                                                            
68613 WARFARE - HISTORY              Aaron Bell          P9412



My godmother's mate was lost there;                         
At the Burma Hump, he hadn't a prayer.                      
She was never the same,                                     
Though I remember her name;                                 
She lived out her life in despair.                          
                                                            
68614 WARFARE - HISTORY              Azul                     



We Brits fought the Nazis alone,                            
For two years, so don't you make moan.                      
You want 'raqi oil?                                         
Then on your own toil.                                      
In two years, give us a phone.                              
                                                            
68615 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



Now where is the place where they say:                      
UN inspectors?  No way!                                     
We've chemical stocks                                       
Off anthrax and pox.                                        
That's right!  It's the U. S. of A.                         
                                                            
68616 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



There's a false notion that has been sown --                
America will be on its own.                                 
It's the anti-war band                                      
With its head in the sand,                                  
That falsely claims that we'll be alone.                    
                                                            
68617 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Al Bienstock             



Bush's leadership has been thrilling.                       
To Saddem's enablers, that's chilling.                      
So they will not impede                                     
What the US will lead --                                    
A coalition of the willing.                                 
                                                            
68618 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Al Bienstock             



Tonight I will tell you no jokes;                           
Instead bow my head for those folks                         
Maimed by the attack                                        
We've made on Iraq;                                         
Good people caught up in bad strokes.                       
                                                            
68619 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



I cannot tell who's more insane,                            
Us or their leader Hussein.                                 
To "get" just this man,                                     
It looks like we plan                                       
Putting millions in misery and pain.                        
                                                            
68620 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



Perhaps we don't care, it's not us                          
(In war, it has always been thus);                          
Then consider the cost                                      
Of the missiles we've tossed                                
And there's deeper costs we could discuss.                  
                                                            
68621 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



Consider: one shot to the brain                             
Could take out this madman, Hussein.                        
But all sense withdraws                                     
Because of our laws;                                        
From action like this we refrain.                           
                                                            
68622 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



Yet you know very well we'd rejoice                         
If a bomb were to silence his voice.                        
Although hundreds be maimed                                 
Where the missle was aimed...                               
It seem like a very strange choice.                         
                                                            
68623 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



I end with just one final principle:                        
NO ONE is truly invincible!                                 
It can be a mistake                                         
To poke at a snake --                                       
Its venom can be reprehensible.                             
                                                            
68624 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



Why all the Congressional show                              
Asserting the right to say so,                              
About war with Hussein,                                     
When the vote made it plain                                 
Neither house had the guts to say NO!                       
                                                            
68625 WARFARE - IRAQ                 A. N. Wilkins       P9102



Joe Smith, a Marine in Iraq,                                
Enjoyed riding camels bareback.                             
But their humps were so firm                                
That they killed all his sperm,                             
Sending him home medevac.                                   
                                                            
68626 WARFARE - IRAQ                 The Sailor          P0310



America's friends have grown slack                          
Because of the war in Iraq;                                 
However, with luck,                                         
There's still a Canuck                                      
Whose willing to give us a crack!                           
                                                            
68627 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



The lawless regime now in ruins,                            
Did fall from the acts of its doin's,                       
By soldier and tank.                                        
I dare say I thank                                          
Our forces to stop its renewin's.                           
                                                            
68628 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Matthew Montchalin       



But then, it was lawful enough.                             
If you make dictatorships tough,                            
Folks all must succumb,                                     
Stay under the thumb,                                       
It's now you've the anarchy stuff.                          
                                                            
68629 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Matthew Montchalin       



And if I may add to that rhyme,                             
Dictatorships may be a crime,                               
But if you want order,                                      
Then seal off the border,                                   
And make sure the trains run on time.                       
                                                            
68630 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



Beware if you cast the first stone,                         
The lawlessness state is your own.                          
What's that?  Are you shocked?                              
There's millions of you locked                              
In prisons in Uncle Sam's zone.                             
                                                            
68631 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



Dubya said, "I promise you this:                            
Saddam will be gone, I insist.                              
I'll drop some J-dams.                                      
I will get my man.                                          
If you don't survive, you'll be missed."                    
                                                            
68632 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Dave Winer               



The UN is not doing so great.                               
Most all want winds of war to abate.                        
While Saddam chews knuckles,                                
He suppresses chuckles.                                     
Like last time the catch words are coup wait.               
                                                            
68633 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tom Patton          P0304



Do you think a known criminal should                        
Carry a gun in your neighborhood?                           
Would you want him disarmed                                 
Before your family's harmed?                                
Yes, of course -- any sane person would.                    
                                                            
68634 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Al Bienstock             



As the world grows smaller each day,                        
Safety must be addressed a new way.                         
Our neighborhood's global;                                  
Dirty bombs are mobile,                                     
And an armed tyrant is not okay.                            
                                                            
68635 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Al Bienstock             



Internationally, It's Saddem                                
Who's the armed criminal -- with a bomb.                    
I don't know how we                                         
Can let Saddem go free --                                   
We must use force to make him disarm.                       
                                                            
68636 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Al Bienstock             



It seems that his doubles were counted,                     
First once, and then twice, and recounted.                  
And aiming we struck --                                     
We hit him -- such luck!                                    
A bull's eye!  So let's be astounded.                       
                                                            
68637 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Matthew Montchalin       



If terrorists make their attacks,                           
The whores in their ramshackle shacks                       
Are ready for trouble;                                      
They've bent over double                                    
And carefully duct-taped their cracks!                      
                                                            
68638 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Travis Brasell           



Now what you say's right, because Suzy                      
Did just what you said, and felt woozy.                     
She used the tape (duct)                                    
But still she got fucked,                                   
For they blew it away with their Uzi.                       
                                                            
68639 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Lightbulb                



Last week two great battles were fought                     
To unseat evil leaders who've bought                        
Support for a while,                                        
Using cunning and guile;                                    
At first glance we've the victories sought.                 
                                                            
68640 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



Far away we attacked to contain                             
Iraq, led by Saddam Hussein.                                
Here billions were blown                                    
But he's still on the throne.                               
And we'll soon have to do it again.                         
                                                            
68641 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



With Saddam's regime on the run,                            
The yanks failed to find smoking gun.                       
Now when it's Castro's turn                                 
Then their fingers won't burn,                              
As they're looking for a smoking nun.                       
                                                            
68642 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



Saddam, the mid-east malefactor,                            
He's always been a bad actor.                               
He tried to GLOM                                            
A nuclear bomb                                              
After Israel wrecked his reactor.                           
                                                            
68643 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Norm Brust               



Saddam in his grammar school days,                          
Perfected his devious ways.                                 
The rumor is that                                           
He gassed the school's cat,                                 
And set all the inkwells ablaze.                            
                                                            
68644 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Graham Lester            



They tell us that we're the Great Satan;                    
Their worship is hardly abating.                            
They throw hand grenades                                    
At our soldiers and aides,                                  
To assist in our swift Pearly Gating.                       
                                                            
68645 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



But Satan to them's a buffoon,                              
A moron, a half-wit, a loon.                                
I put it to you,                                            
That seems pretty true,                                     
(Referring to Dubya, the goon).                             
                                                            
68646 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



I guess your assessment is fair,                            
But who else do we have with the flair                      
That might set us right,                                    
And show us the light,                                      
Compared to the genius of Blair?                            
                                                            
68647 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



The danger with which he's been flirtin'                    
Isn't worth all the rules he's been skirtin'.               
If his radars come on,                                      
He can count them all gone;                                 
You can rest assured Saddam is hurtin'.                     
                                                            
68648 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



In Baghdad, they found in a basement                        
Some autos, that to their amazement,                        
Were untouched by rust,                                     
Yet covered by dust,                                        
When somehow they suffered defacement.                      
                                                            
68649 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Matthew Montchalin       



And video pictures revealed                                 
How well the garage had been sealed,                        
To keep poor folks out,                                     
For none were allowed                                       
Lest some of them drive away "wheeled."                     
                                                            
68650 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Matthew Montchalin       



Though, true, we've seen nary a trace                       
Of bad man Saddam's ugly face,                              
He could be around                                          
Somewhere underground,                                      
No doubt 'tween Iraq and a hard place!                      
                                                            
68651 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Matthew Montchalin       



Don't EVER think we are so strong,                          
We can rest on our laurels for long.                        
Some one like Iraq                                          
Could launch an attack,                                     
And prove all our arrogance wrong.                          
                                                            
68652 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Jim Weaver Collection    



C Hitchens has promised no war;                             
Just intervention is all that we score.                     
Emancipation I say                                          
Will come in a day.                                         
Right now, it's the Left I deplore.                         
                                                            
68653 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Dave Winer               



The Iraq War we don't count as a loss,                      
Over this point we shouldn't now gloss:                     
We've caused millions great pain                            
Just to punish Hussein.                                     
It's so good that we've shown him who's boss...             
                                                            
68654 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Miller              



There once was a man from Iraq                              
Who must've smoked way to much crack.                       
I hope he is damned                                         
For his terrorist plans;                                    
Please blow his punk ass off the map.                       
                                                            
68655 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Eydol                    



There's just one way to deal with Iraq,                     
But to where do you bomb them all back?                     
If you stop way too soon,                                   
Like George Bush did, the goon;                             
Until they're all in Hell, just attack.                     
                                                            
68656 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tomer Shiran             



Security at Heathrow Airport                                
Fills the people with fear and exhorts                      
The cause.  But the "Times"                                 
Fills up the mob's mind                                     
With Celebs and Gossip and Sport.                           
                                                            
68657 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Stefan Marianski         



There's tanks on the streets in the hunt                    
For terrorists.  Blair, stupid cunt,                        
Is ass-licking Bush                                         
And wants him to push                                       
The button.  It's us bear the brunt.                        
                                                            
68658 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



Despite the reports in the news,                            
This war ain't about oil or Jews,                           
Or weapons of Mass                                          
Destruction.  Alas!                                         
Iraq has a flock of fine ewes.                              
                                                            
68659 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Travis Brasell           



Well now, this suits me just fine.                          
Please tell me where I have to sign.                        
You ain't gonna keep                                        
Me away from those sheep;                                   
You'll find me there in the front line.                     
                                                            
68660 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



Let's rescue each warm, woolly mammal.                      
Or else, as we know, old Saddam'll                          
Harems to keep us                                           
From sheepus and lepus                                      
Or even from one lusty camel.                               
                                                            
68661 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Travis Brasell           



Iraq OK'd weapons inspection                                
As a ploy to create misdirection,                           
From what Lampsos has said                                  
About Saddam in bed,                                        
And her failure of missile detection.                       
                                                            
68662 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



Hussein is the duck of Iraq;                                
Spends all day just washing his back.                       
He drills so much oil...                                    
Makes Mr. Bush boil,                                        
But soon we will have the last quack.                       
                                                            
68663 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



Iraq's Al-Sahhaf slyly fled                                 
And off from Damascus he sped.                              
"See, I told you we'd win.                                  
Won't you please let me in?"                                
"Sir, you cannot be Syria's," they said.                    
                                                            
68664 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Graham Lester            



I've come up with a devilish plan,                          
That may fool that crazy Saddam.                            
Let's put Ogg and a sheep,                                  
On some Baghdad Street;                                     
He'll will think it's a battering ram.                      
                                                            
68665 WARFARE - IRAQ                 John Henry               



The long diplomatic PALAVER                                 
On Saddam as nuclear haver,                                 
Is threateded by Bush,                                      
Whose agressive push                                        
Would leave old Saddam a cadaver.                           
                                                            
68666 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Daniel Ford              



Abu was a vision obscene,                                   
With will and intent to demean.                             
But away he was blown                                       
In the free fire zone,                                      
Done in by a U S Marine.                                    
                                                            
68667 WARFARE - IRAQ                 The Sailor          P0308



Cried Bush, "Let us level Iraq,"                            
Before they have time to strike back.                       
Civilians we'll slaughter,                                  
Each son and each daughter,                                 
I want a preemptive attack!"                                
                                                            
68668 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Bob Birch           P0302



In Baghdad few tears have been shed                         
And hookers are giving free head.                           
Girls perform ululation                                     
In great celebration,                                       
Now that Qusay and Uday are dead                            
                                                            
68669 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



Saddam, when he's launching his scuds,                      
Now and then finds that some are just duds;                 
About one in fifty                                          
Are slow and un-swifty,                                     
And fall to the ground and just "thuds."                    
                                                            
68670 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Gary Hallock             



Sean Penn, a guest of Saddam's Iraq,                        
Dissed Dubya in a stupid attack.                            
Not even Madonna,                                           
His ex-wife, would wanna                                    
Stoop so low as to welcome him back.                        
                                                            
68671 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Al Bienstock             



Said Bush to Saddam, "Well you blew it,                     
Hid weapons and our CIA knew it."                           
Out of guilt Bill replied,                                  
"Though a crotch I had spied,                               
I still claim that I didn't screw it!"                      
(both started New Years with a bang)                        
68672 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Bob Birch           P0302



Bill and Saddam they think much alike.                      
After New Year's, they'll seek a first strike.              
Even though both are spent,                                 
Neither one will repent,                                    
But Bill's head won't end up on a pike!                     
                                                            
68673 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tom Patton          P0302



Bill Clinton said, "Welcome aboard!"                        
As he sneaked in a bangable broad.                          
While Saddam and his gang                                   
Fear an ear-splitting bang,                                 
And are thinking of sneaking abroad.                        
                                                            
68674 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0302



Etymologists show us with glee                              
How versatile banging can be;,                              
Despite Hillary's anger,                                    
Bill's a popular banger;                                    
In war Sadam will be the bangee.                            
                                                            
68675 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0302



We're a country so young, and so small,                     
Yet we're eons ahead of YOU ALL.                            
When we're done with Iraq,                                  
Could be you we attack;                                     
Just like last time, again you will fall.                   
                                                            
68676 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



Like Bush, Tony Blair's in a pickle;                        
The polls say war fever's a trickle.                        
If Saddam calls his bluff,                                  
Then all his talk tough                                     
Means he's left himself no room to wiggle.                  
                                                            
68677 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Dr Limerick  09-03-02    



The Pentagon no longer grieves,                             
For news it this moment receives                            
From those on the ground;                                   
Saddam's arms are found!                                    
He's hidden the things up his sleeves.                      
                                                            
68678 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy Ogg                



In Iraq's presidential election,                            
Abdul made a silly selection.                               
To impress an old flame,                                    
He erased Saddam's name.                                    
Next Tuesday's his funeral procession.                      
                                                            
68679 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0212



I can put out the fires so quick;                           
You'll miss my magician's trick.                            
It will come as no shock                                    
That while you're watching Iraq,                            
You should keep an eye on my DICK. (Morris)                 
                                                            
68680 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Jim Weaver Collection    



To Iraq's Kuwait invasion,                                  
We reacted with great indignation.                          
But when we do the same,                                    
Instead of due blame,                                       
We expect all the world's approbation.                      
                                                            
68681 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



His dad Iran-Contra did hate;                               
But now, WMD-gate!                                          
Are the weapons around                                      
That soon will be found,                                    
Or is Dubya a two-faced head of state?                      
                                                            
68682 WARFARE - IRAQ                 Tiddy                    



Over Iraq we'll drop an 'O' Bomb,  (Orgasm bomb)            
Then the only thing from Saddam,                            
That we'll likely hear,                                     
Aren't  moans of good cheer,                                
But whining about his sore palm.                            
                                                            
68683 WARFARE - IRAQ                                          



Acronyms make words' meanings compound:                     
"Air-raid Shelter for Saddam"--Profound!                    
But let history show                                        
That the fool didn't know                                   
His A.S.S. from a hole in the ground!                       
                                                            
68684 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Vassar Smith        P9610



There once was a man named Hussein                          
Who we knew was really insane.                              
With bombs on his back,                                     
And germs in a sack,                                        
We ought to just blow up Iraq!                              
                                                            
68685 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



What shall we do about Saddam?                              
Who competes for the "worst" since old Adam.                
Do you think it's bad sex                                   
That makes him so vexed?                                    
Does anyone know a good Madam?                              
                                                            
68686 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tutta Gioia              



Our troops found that low bastard Saddam;                   
A truck'd slammed his ass on macadam,                       
But some French doc's OK                                    
Sent their pal on his way.                                  
We should'a slit his throat while we had 'em.               
                                                            
68687 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Armand Singer       P0307



Saddam in a letter, made plain                              
He's willing to play Dubya's game.                          
Inspect if you will                                         
For weapons that kill;                                      
You say but can't prove I'm insane.                         
                                                            
68688 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Anon                     



The Butcher of Baghdad did bite it,                         
When looking up, half-undecided.                            
Half choosing to stay                                       
Or run far away.                                            
He got a cigar just to light it.                            
                                                            
68689 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tiddy Ogg                



When suddenly, BOOM, it went dark,                          
And all of the house fell apart.                            
The building a-rumbling                                     
And other stuff tumbling,                                   
A sudden end to a long start.                               
                                                            
68690 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tiddy Ogg                



Like Osama, there ain't no damn proof,                      
That Saddam was beneath the roof.                           
In Afghanistan,                                             
They're still bombing, man,                                 
There's more bloodshed yet, that's the truth.               
                                                            
68691 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tiddy Ogg                



I saw how the crowds, they were dancing;                    
A jubilant scene and entrancing.                            
His pictures were trashed;                                  
His palace was crashed;                                     
Even if the attack was just glancing.                       
                                                            
68692 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



"The game is now over," quoth one.                          
"Don't ask me if war is much fun,                           
Or who will succeed him,                                    
Or whether we need him                                      
Or where his supporters will run."                          
                                                            
68693 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



I saw an old man with a shoe                                
Bash a picture of old you-know-who,                         
When up came a gent,                                        
Lifted skirts and was bent                                  
On the use of the pic for a loo!                            
                                                            
68694 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



You see, there's a reason for doing                         
That kind of thing, that is, shoeing                        
The face of that man                                        
With sandal or hand;                                        
It's better that double voodooing.                          
                                                            
68695 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



Like marriage, he could not annul it;                       
Mishandled his sword and did dull it.                       
He messed up and missed it;                                 
His doom he sure kissed it,                                 
When he bit off the big one, a bullet.                      
                                                            
68696 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



After each attack Saddam Hussein                            
Declares "I love the Tomahawk game.                         
I'm really excited,                                         
Tourists are invited                                        
To the hope of the Etermal Flame."                          
                                                            
68697 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tom Patton          P9902



Clever spies captured Saddam Hussein                        
And his WMD's. They're methane.  (weapons mass destruction) 
He was caught in a cellar                                   
Feeding beans to some feller,                               
Who can fart from a low-flying plane.                       
                                                            
68698 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Don Moore           P0309



"What was Clinton expecting to gain?                        
My poor buildings," cried Saddam Hussein,                   
"Lie in absolute ruin.                                      
And it's Slick Willy's doin'!                               
Now I hope he is feeling my pain."                          
                                                            
68699 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        William N. Nesbit   P9610



In his hidey-hole, next to the quad,                        
Poor Saddam Hussein asked his God                           
To be captured at present,                                  
Since he feared an unpleasant                               
Abundance of fleas Navidad.                                 
                                                            
68700 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Hugh Clary               



Because of another air raid,                                
Saddam called for a Victory Parade.                         
"Each and every explosion                                   
Prevents soil erosion;                                      
It's U.S. incoming foreign aid."                            
                                                            
68701 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tom Patton          P9902



And now that Saddam is in hand,                             
They will capture that al Quaeda band                       
Of thugs bent on terror,                                    
With hardly an error.                                       
A frontal assault is what's planned.                        
                                                            
68702 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jeanie                   



Bill can't wait to roll and rock;                           
He's ready to dump on Iraq.                                 
He's eager to bomb                                          
And to fuck Saddam,                                         
Without even using his cock.                                
                                                            
68703 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        MrMalo                   



There was a dictator called Saddam                          
Who didn't like Kurds and he had 'em                        
Gassed like the Jews                                        
In nineeteen forty two,                                     
Like a proper U.S.-funded madman.                           
                                                            
68704 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Lester Haines            



"U.N., won't you please stop harassin'                      
All this chemical stuff I'm amassin'.                       
Their help is essential                                     
To reach my potential                                       
As Saddam, the gassin' assassin!"                           
                                                            
68705 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



Old Saddam is caught up at last;                            
His brutal regime is now past.                              
Found in a hole                                             
Like a small little mole,                                   
And like Cleo be given an Asp.                              
                                                            
68706 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Mul                      



"In construction, ground breaking is first,"                
Said Saddam of HQ with lips pursed.                         
But each US cruise missle                                   
Leaves land clean as a whistle,                             
So in Iraq, it is just reversed.                            
                                                            
68707 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tom Patton          P9610



There's a bully who lives down the block;                   
He'll invade you, and won't even knock.                     
This madman who's Persian,                                  
Performs his own version                                    
Of Paul Simon's "I am Iraq".                                
                                                            
68708 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



When Saddam sent troops to Kuwait,                          
The havoc his men did create,                               
Caused the Saudis to cry foul,                              
And then throw in the towel.                                
"Call the US to set these things straight."                 
                                                            
68709 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tomer Shiran             



The Iraq situation grows tense,                             
While the world waits in breathless suspense.               
Why has hostile Hussein                                     
Been allowed off his chain?                                 
A mad dog with a hole in the fence?                         
                                                            
68710 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



Saddam said, "I keep on trying,                             
My headquarters identifying.                                
But a hole in the ground                                    
Is all I have found.                                        
Why do they keep those missles flying?"                     
                                                            
68711 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tom Patton          P9610



Now they highlite the crimes of Saddam                      
And denounce him the ultimate bum.                          
But forget not the hour,                                    
He was kept in power                                        
When the US and Kuwait he did numb.                         
                                                            
68712 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Nawahl Razak             



Yesterday, on TV, it was sad;                               
It's perplexed me much more than a tad;                     
What can this portend                                       
When for hours on end,                                      
CNN was not broadcasting ads!?                              
                                                            
68713 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Mike                     



Some say Clinton attacked with no warning,                  
But it's obvious something's aborning,                      
When the President says                                     
Before going to bed,                                        
"We will sortie this out in the morning."                   
                                                            
68714 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Mike                     



The casualties make this unfunny;                           
That buildings are levelled so cunning.                     
The bombed battery site                                     
Leaves a bit of a fright,                                   
That they murdered that little pink bunny.                  
(bunny is ubiquitous battery ad on TV 1998)                 
68715 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Mike                     



At this time of the year all my bristle                     
Goes away, as Noel I do whistle.                            
So, Hussein I do wish                                       
You'll find love and warm kiss-                             
es while standing beneath your new missle.                  
                                                            
68716 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Mike                     



Hussein, as it turned out, had hidden                       
In places unsafe and unbidden;                              
And pausing for plans,                                      
He looked for a chance                                      
To do what he could, but then didn't.                       
                                                            
68717 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



He'd run for it, come the next morning;                     
That is, he would go without warning;                       
Though fox-like and sly,                                    
It seems he did die                                         
When blown apart in a night storming.                       
                                                            
68718 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



Saddam Hussein, what a guy.                                 
To get paid, just send kids out to die.                     
If you get shot before,                                     
You can't kill any more.                                    
Well, I guess claiments just have to lie.                   
                                                            
68719 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tomer Shiran             



As we aimed all those surgical strikes,                     
At the target of all our dislikes,                          
We grew slowly aware                                        
That Saddam's facial hair                                   
Was the lamest since, well, the Third Reich's.              
                                                            
68720 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Travis Ruetinek          



Saddam once had sensitive skin                              
And no hair on his chinny-chin-chin.                        
But his lip was pubescent,                                  
A real fertile crescent,                                    
Where follicles quickly grew in.                            
                                                            
68721 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



The dictator ruling Iraq                                    
Grew a moustache all shaggy and black.                      
A little while later                                        
He lay in a crater,                                         
As vultures approached for a snack.                         
                                                            
68722 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Pat Sajak                



"Dad's moustache exceeds any other,"                        
Cried young Uday to Qusay, his brother.                     
It will always be there                                     
Because thick facial hair                                   
Is the one trait he shared with his mother.                 
                                                            
68723 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Brad Simanek             



In order to set an example,                                 
Hussein was the right guy to trample.                       
Now his bushy moustache                                     
And a bit of eyelash                                        
Are what's left for his DNA sample.                         
                                                            
68724 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Bob Mader                



Next to Hitler's, it's not trimmed as well;                 
More like Stalin's, as best I can tell.                     
Lenin, too, might dispute                                   
Saddam's 'stache was a beaut.                               
They can argue about it in Hell!                            
                                                            
68725 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Brad Simanek             



Saddam cut a figure quite charming --                       
Stalin-like, but perhaps less alarming.                     
His lip was hirsute,                                        
Which he thought made him cute.                             
It's too bad that he wasn't disarming.                      
                                                            
68726 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Joseph Moore             



Samson's strength was dependent on hair.                    
Can Saddam Hussein's mustache compare?                      
We could tell our troops: Wait!                             
Spend a buck ninety-eight.                                  
You can rub out the bastard with Nair.                      
                                                            
68727 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Michael Sheinbaum        



While Saddam grew his 'stache with no trouble,              
Not so lucky was Chucky, his double.                        
Though Hussein in his wrath                                 
Threw Rogaine in the Baath,                                 
He could still hardly sprout more than stubble.             
                                                            
68728 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



Saddam, now most likely the late,                           
Suffered one final, humbling fate:                          
His moustache ditched his lip                               
Like a rat from a ship,                                     
And was seen crawling south towards Kuwait.                 
                                                            
68729 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Joseph Moore             



I offer this well thought prospectus                        
On the scourge of old Homo Erectus;                         
A beast so uncouth                                          
Since days of his youth,                                    
We're lucky Sadam finally left us.                          
                                                            
68730 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        The Sailor          P0306



Said Saddam as he entered his cave,                         
"This hiding is not very brave.                             
There is a bright side:                                     
As long as I hide,                                          
Oh Goody, I don't have to shave!"                           
                                                            
68731 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



Saddam, a prince among shits,                               
Giving the whole world shit-fits,                           
With his brazen hoodwinking...                              
What was God thinking                                       
When he made him from atomy bits?                           
                                                            
68732 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tutta Gioia              



At it again, that goat's pizzle,                            
That weasely scumbag of jizz'll                             
Dodge, weave and mislead...                                 
What we desperately need                                    
Is a single, well-aimed, cruise-type missile.               
                                                            
68733 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tutta Gioia              



To one thing we can't get attuned:                          
The sight of those kids all marooned                        
In Saddam's regime...                                       
Their silent eyes scream                                    
And lay open your heart like a wound.                       
                                                            
68734 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tutta Gioia              



If this government just had the nerve                       
To do what they must, and not swerve,                       
It would not be fun                                         
But we'd get the job done,                                  
And Saddam would get what he deserves.                      
                                                            
68735 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Kaylin                   



Pioneering in chemical science,                             
Saddam flunks in treaty compliance.                         
He'll surround his pavilions                                
With helpless civilians,                                    
Then bravely proclaim his defiance!                         
                                                            
68736 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



I think the truth is quite plain;                           
They say we will punish Hussein.                            
But in fact, we'll just test                                
The newest and best                                         
Ways to kill and inflict the most pain.                     
                                                            
68737 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        John Miller              



War's expensive, however it ends;                           
You're in deep, dude!  You might get the "bends"!           
So, Saddam, Shit fire!                                      
Relax, man;  Retire                                         
To Tinseltown, where you've got friends!                    
                                                            
68738 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM                                 



Call me Sad Sack Saddam;                                    
I started my own Viet Nam.                                  
Only six years ago                                          
I said "Ayatolla ya so"?                                    
No that was Iraq; me, I ran!                                
                                                            
68739 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



We don't tolerate son-of-a-bitches;                         
The Saddams and the Milosevic's.                            
They're petty dictators;                                    
We should air-mail some craters,                            
And bomb them clean out of their britches.                  
                                                            
68740 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM                                 



Saddam won't reveal all the facts,                          
As smoke plumes from the palace smoke stacks.               
If you expect to see                                        
Babyfood recipe,                                            
Stay upwind or die of anthrax.                              
                                                            
68741 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tom Patton          P9801



I don't think it's terribly funny                           
That Muslims, both Shiite and Sunni,                        
Seem quite unconcerned                                      
That their kids may get burned                              
By anthrax, while Saddam gets money.                        
                                                            
68742 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        John E Mayhood     P9801 



That camel'd squat down to be manned,                       
By Sadam who'd grip with his hands.                         
He'd pump till he's weary;                                  
Now his balls are not hairy,                                
'Cause of the abrasiveness of the sand.                     
                                                            
68743 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM                                 



Saddam is too brutal for words,                             
But his threat has been reduced by two-thirds.              
Once he torched the Kuwaitis,                               
From Tigris-Euphrates,                                      
But now he just hassles the Kurds.                          
                                                            
68744 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



He's the foe of the Kurds and the Turks;                    
The man's ruthless, he kills while he smirks.               
Then he rattles his sabres,                                 
Alarming his neighbors;                                     
The Mother of All Total Jerks.                              
                                                            
68745 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



That statue in Baghdad's now rubble,                        
But was it Saddam?  That's the trouble.                     
That nasty dictator                                         
Used impersonators,                                         
So was that thing him or a double?                          
                                                            
68746 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tiddy Ogg                



Of course it was him; 'tweren't no ruse;                    
Consider the bevy of clues:                                 
It's toppling was slow,                                     
(A two hour show!)                                          
And folks beat the thing with their shoes.                  
                                                            
68747 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Travis Brasell           



That Saddam continues to gloat,                             
Cock sure that he'll never be smote.                        
The UN should raid                                          
While he's getting laid,                                    
They might get both him and his goat.                       
                                                            
68748 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Frank                    



I can just see him fucking that goat,                       
With his takritty penis abloat.                             
The sirens he'd hear,                                       
But stuck in his rear,                                      
He'll wish that he'd just blown a shoat.                    
                                                            
68749 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tutta Gioia              



"In Iraq major theft runs apace,"                           
Said Saddam with regret on his face.                        
"Headquarters is gone                                       
(It must be Iran)                                           
And they left a big hole in its place."                     
                                                            
68750 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tom Patton          P9610



April Glaspie, our gal in Iraq,                             
Said to Saddam Hussein in the sack,                         
"Can't you wait to get in?"                                 
He heard, "Kuwait you'll win,"                              
So he ordered his troops to attack.                         
                                                            
68751 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Don Moore           P9407



There once was a man from Baghdad;                          
Saddam was his name - and he had                            
A manic obsession;                                          
He wanted oppression                                        
And everyone thought he was bad!                            
                                                            
68752 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM                                 



I am sure, good Sir or Madam,                               
Our attacks will not bother Saddam.                         
He will dote on the slaughter                               
Of wife, son, and daughter,                                 
And generally not give a damn.                              
                                                            
68753 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        John Miller              



Now our Middle East ways are insane,                        
Between Arabs and Jews and no brain.                        
It's got to be whacky                                       
Killing scads of Iraqi                                      
Just to punish one Saddam Hussein!                          
                                                            
68754 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM                                 



That lunatic Saddam Hussein --                              
You can tell from his name he's insane;                     
He's a Shiite, or turd;                                     
Hates the Sunnis and Kurds;                                 
In the ass, he is naught but a pain.                        
                                                            
68755 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM                                 



Undaunted by ramifications,                                 
Of threats by the United Nations,                           
Saddam Hussein                                              
Is still a pain,                                            
And a danger to all the Kuwaitians                          
                                                            
68756 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



Said Saddam Hussein, "Praise to Allah!                      
My Air Defense place cost top dollah.                       
Where it used to be found                                   
Is a hole in the ground.                                    
That Clinton, him one crazy fellah."                        
                                                            
68757 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Arthur Deex         P9610



Using skyrockets he couldn't buy,                           
Sent by Oliver North on the sly,                            
S. Hussein of Iraq,                                         
Risking U.N. attack,                                        
Celebrated the Fourth of July.                              
                                                            
68758 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Cybergeezer              



Saddam is a son-of-a-bitch;                                 
They should find him face down in a ditch,                  
With a stick up his ass                                     
Made of TNT mass,                                           
And his body all covered in pitch.                          
                                                            
68759 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a man from Cape Horn                         
Whose penis was tattered and torn.                          
He gave it a twist,                                         
And not coming, he pissed;                                  
And that's how Saddam Hussein was born.                     
                                                            
68760 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



Because he was feeling his oats,                            
Iraq's dictator was losing the votes.                       
They say he's insane                                        
Since they found his stain                                  
On the coats of the town billy goats.                       
                                                            
68761 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tom Patton          P9811



Hussein from Iraq, he has bluffed us;                       
Got the whole world raising a ruckus.                       
'Cept Clinton the loner,                                    
Who stands with his boner,                                  
Praying for no more Saddam Interruptus!                     
                                                            
68762 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



No lover of life ecological                                 
Could stomach a war biological.                             
Sending anthrax in clouds                                   
Will put babies in shrouds,                                 
But not Saddam, that mind pathological.                     
                                                            
68763 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        John E Mayhood     P9801 



Others have said, "Saddam sucks,"                           
But with the inspections in flux,                           
He'll have the last laugh,                                  
Because Willy's staff,                                      
Made evidence filling few trucks.                           
                                                            
68764 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Chris Papa               



So Saddam is still messin' about.                           
He's an evil dictator devout.                               
We'll enter Iraq,                                           
And get rid of this quack.                                  
It's time someone took Saddam out.                          
                                                            
68765 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jayne                    



Saving face must in S. Hussein's case                       
As a motive has very high place.                            
It elicits the query                                        
Since it's ugly and hairy,                                  
Is it really worth saving that face.                        
                                                            
68766 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        A. N. Wilkins       P9104



The aftermath soon will be seen                             
With tyrants like Saddam Unseen,                            
Reduced and erased,                                         
His shoes half-unlaced,                                     
And retied with his balls chained between.                  
                                                            
68767 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



Some say he's here and not there;                           
And others say, saved by a hair.                            
But really, what mattered                                   
Was whether he's scattered                                  
Like dust blown aloft in the air.                           
                                                            
68768 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



Perhaps, when you read between lines,                       
Or see from the signs of the times,                         
Or hear the winds blow,                                     
Hussein had to go,                                          
For doing the Devil's designs.                              
                                                            
68769 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



I asked a commander from Texas,                             
"Pray tell, how Saddam affects us?"                         
He said, "What would you do?                                
This Saddam has voodoo;                                     
We've got to bomb him or he'll hex us."                     
                                                            
68770 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Dohpaz                   



Said I, "What you're saying is silly.                       
Your real motivation shows clearly.                         
All this military toil                                      
Is an aid to cheap oil,                                     
To please some gun-toting hill-billy.                       
                                                            
68771 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Dohpaz                   



In his bunker he sits down and cowers,                      
Well aware of superior powers.                              
Saddam's only demand,                                       
Is not far out of hand;                                     
Just a quickie with Gennifer Flowers.                       
                                                            
68772 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Jim Weaver Collection    



A meeting held of Saddam's doubles,                         
Was held on one of Baghdad's rubbles.                       
In an air-raid, stay calm;                                  
Saddam lost his right arm;                                  
I'm afraid this will add to your troubles!                  
                                                            
68773 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Arthur Pattaffy          



Odai and Qusai...oh how sad;                                
'Twas known that those two sons were mad.                   
And no tears are shed,                                      
Now that they're both dead.                                 
So what's left to do but bag dad!                           
                                                            
68774 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Observer                 



I'm sure that Saddam's not a-quake                          
With fear; he's with some friendly sheikh;                  
And for those pics                                          
Of his boys, that a fix,                                    
Like Hollywood film-makers make.                            
                                                            
68775 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Tiddy Ogg                



Explosions compacting and lifting;                          
The desert sands loosened and shifting.                     
It looks like deep trouble                                  
Beneath all the rubble,                                     
If we figure it needs some more sifting.                    
                                                            
68776 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



To look for some person's remains,                          
I mean, that is, Saddam Hussein's,                          
Which may have been thrown up                               
Or otherwise blown up,                                      
And mixed into desert sand grains.                          
                                                            
68777 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



It makes a guy wonder about                                 
The nuclear things not allowed                              
In underground places,                                      
Assuming mere traces                                        
Of things that we haven't a doubt.                          
                                                            
68778 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



These lead to explosions and booms                          
Which raise up great cloud-like mushrooms,                  
With particles showing                                      
As hot ash, and glowing                                     
Like Saturday Morning cartoons.                             
                                                            
68779 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Matthew Montchalin       



It seems everyone picks on the Kurds.                       
Saddam and his bunch are big nerds.                         
Until this thing wanes,                                     
We should not send out planes.                              
But at least send him four letter words.                    
                                                            
68780 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Al Willis           P9610



He's one of the crazy dictators;                            
He's smart as two witless dumb-waiters.                     
Saddam, the barn burner,                                    
Is just a slow learner.                                     
And now his land has some new craters.                      
                                                            
68781 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Al Willis           P9610



I'm afraid it is just as I feared.                          
Saddam Hussein has appeared.                                
Not at a tribunal                                           
Or at his own funeral,                                      
But hosting a talk show quite weird.                        
                                                            
68782 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Timothy Torkildson       



His guests come from all walks of life --                   
The butcher, the baker, the fishwife.                       
Do they have sex                                            
Or write out bad checks,                                    
He asks at the point of a knife.                            
                                                            
68783 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Timothy Torkildson       



His sponsors have the demographic                           
To prove he appeals to the Catholic.                        
Also the Gypsy                                              
Whenever they're tipsy,                                     
And those who are stuck in slow traffic.                    
                                                            
68784 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Timothy Torkildson       



But just between me and just you,                           
I hear that his show's in the loo.                          
The ratings anemic,                                         
Scripting's bulemic;                                        
He's already bombing there too.                             
                                                            
68785 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Timothy Torkildson       



Dick Cheney said we are not lacking;                        
We'll send Republican Guards packing.                       
They'll just step aside;                                    
It'll be a free ride,                                       
For Saddam, a well deserved whacking.                       
                                                            
68786 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Anon                     



There's a lesson Saddam should be taught:                   
By the Gulf War he shouldn't have fought,                   
But he's back to provoking.                                 
This guy must be joking;                                    
We'll find out Hussein and who's not!                       
                                                            
68787 WARFARE - IRAQ - SADDAM        Larry Hollister          



There was a young sailor from Rome                          
Who found the girls over the foam                           
All acted the same                                          
In the sexual game,                                         
So he might just as well have stayed home.                  
                                                            
68788 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Isaac Asimov             



That infamous sailor named Davey                            
Regretted his time in the Navy,                             
So he ate navy beans                                        
And shot submarines                                         
But they made him clean up all the gravy.                   
                                                            
68789 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Neal Wilgus         P8406



U is for Uniform, here                                      
All sorts of brass buttons appear;                          
And when the Gyrene                                         
In his glory is seen,                                       
On the Cit it is pretty Severe.                             
                                                            
68790 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



A young sailor who stopped at all ports,                    
Got in trouble with girls of all sorts.                     
So a new leaf he turned                                     
And his britches he burned.                                 
He now walks around in his shorts.                          
                                                            
68791 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Albin Chaplin   3024-3006



Come all ye landlubber folks all                            
And join with us seafarin' blokes all.                      
The boatswain and coxswain                                  
Are posing with frocks on;                                  
There's fun to be had in the forecastle.                    
                                                            
68792 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Peter Wilkins            



There once a seaman named Davey,                            
Who permed up his pubic hairs wavey.                        
But at top-side inspection,                                 
By Captain's direction,                                     
'Twas crewcut to stay in the Navy.                          
                                                            
68793 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Jim Weaver Collection    



X is eXcursionists rude,                                    
A wild-eyed, inquisitive brood;                             
The badges they wear                                        
Would make Sousa despair,                                   
And they're not at all bashful with food.                   
                                                            
68794 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



A mate with a bad case of trunk,                            
Would hang from the side of his bunk.                       
Squids filled him with rum,                                 
And sipped hookay-bum.                                      
He'd toss salad till they were drunk.                       
                                                            
68795 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      H Whelchel               



There was an old sailor named Gibbs,                        
Who told the most outrageous fibs.                          
He once caught a whale                                      
Just by grabbing its tail;                                  
Hooking flying fish with flying jibs.                       
                                                            
68796 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Warrick Elrod            



On the lottery, a friend won some money;                    
He's a Marine and we all call him Gunny.                    
He fought in the wars                                       
On foreign shores,                                          
Now his retirement gonna be sunny.                          
                                                            
68797 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED                               



As the Navy found young Seaman Graves                       
To be one of those troublesome knaves,                      
They discharged him one day,                                
Authorities say,                                            
Since he spent all his time making Waves.                   
                                                            
68798 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      A. N. Wilkins       P8406



Z is for Zimmermann's band,                                 
The girls say its music is grand;                           
For when it plays "Dearie" --                               
So love-sick and leery --                                   
Each Midshipman squeezes a hand!                            
                                                            
68799 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



Even now, with our speeds supersonic,                       
And reliance on arms electronic,                            
We're in awe of the crew                                    
Who hand-cranked the screw,                                 
When the Hunley sank the Housetonic.                        
                                                            
68800 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Dr Limerick  03-24-01    



W is for Wakes; poor John Paul                              
Every month has a fresh funeral;                            
When he's buried at last,                                   
This still may be asked:                                    
Is he the right corpse after all?                           
                                                            
68801 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



The whole crew were fed up and jaded;                       
The hopes of land sighting had faded.                       
We all turned to port,                                      
And stuff of that sort,                                     
And shortly were all marinaded.                             
                                                            
68802 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED                               



G is the gruesome Gold-Brick,                               
Whose face makes the midshipmen sick;                       
She'd like to have Dates,                                   
But her eyes are not mates,                                 
And her waist, like her head, is too Thick.                 
                                                            
68803 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



F is for Frenching a sport                                  
Indulged in far more than it ort;                           
Over wall, or straight through                              
The gate you skiddoo --                                     
Then find yourself on the Report!                           
                                                            
68804 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



K is for Kiss, a salute                                     
Not high in Official repute;                                
But the fact that some choose it                            
And frequently use it,                                      
No Midshipman girl can dispute.                             
                                                            
68805 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



P is the full-dress Parade,                                 
With boys in brass buttons arrayed;                         
What's meant though, I guess,                               
By saying "full dress,"                                     
Is the girls who are out on parade.                         
                                                            
68806 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



N is the noble Navy,                                        
Our sole source of income; you see,                         
Navy people must pay                                        
Whatever we say,                                            
So we whoop prices up to High G.                            
                                                            
68807 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



He was ready and able and willing.                          
He agreed to take the king's shilling.                      
He put "X" on the line,                                     
He spent money on wine.                                     
The new life was better than tilling.                       
                                                            
68808 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Arthur Pattaffy          



H is for Hazing, an art                                     
That Congress has caused to Depart;                         
Nowadays, if you'd talk                                     
To a Plebe on the walk,                                     
Say "Please," with your hand on your heart.                 
                                                            
68809 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



R is the rough Regulations                                  
That offer alluring temptations;                            
The trouble lies here:                                      
Officers may appear                                         
Without waiting to get invitations!                         
                                                            
68810 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      William O Stevens 1906   



A sailor with lust undeterred,                              
May have girls in each port, goes the word.                 
A provocative move,                                         
One could only improve,                                     
With a port in each girl, softly furred.                    
                                                            
68811 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Bob Giandomenico         



With barnacled tongue he would wank her,                    
And deep-six his rusty old anchor.                          
And like a good sailor,                                     
When through with Mikaeler,                                 
He'd scuttle the bitch and not thank her.                   
                                                            
68812 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Travis Brasell           



While in the Navy we stopped in Piraeus,                    
And the Brass all tried to warn us                          
That Ouzo's vile stuff;                                     
More than one is enough;                                    
Only remember the Shore Patrol's Bus.                       
                                                            
68813 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Saint                    



A Catholic sailor named Davy,                               
The fuckingest fool in the navy,                            
Confessed to his sins                                       
With frequent wide grins,                                   
"O Father forgive me, peccavi."                             
                                                            
68814 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED      Armand E Singer       434



The whales they were blue, that is right,                   
But it's not for those whales that I write.                 
No, I mourn for that joker--                                
The last words that he spoke were                           
"Why was I... not a smith... nor a wright?".                
                                                            
68815 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED                               



He could have spent life on the road,                       
Instead of the oceans he rode.                              
Well, if he went to hell                                    
Then he went there pell-mell--                              
Hell always hath 'ho's to be rowed!                         
                                                            
68816 WARFARE - NAVY - ENLISTED                               



There was a young girl from Tahiti,                         
Who seemed the penultimate sweetie,                         
Until Admiral Dripp                                         
Sneaked her onto his ship,                                  
And she covered his hull with graffiti.                     
                                                            
68817 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Cyber Geezer             



It's Admiral Bull Halsey's birthday,                        
The man who let nothing dismay                              
Him at Leyte                                                
Gulf, what a fray!                                          
The victory that's felt to this day.                        
                                                            
68818 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Tutta Gioia              



Blimey, Admiral Nelson was hip,                             
With that mistress as trim as his ship;                     
Just the thought of her quiff                               
And by Jove! he was stiff --                                
And it wasn't the cove's upper lip!                         
(cove - bloke, chap)                                        
68819 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Thomas A. Quinine   P8406



Last Monday, a skipper named Keef,                          
Ran his cruiser aground on a reef.                          
Tomorrow he'll be                                           
A lieutenant (jg)                                           
And his Naval career will be brief!                         
                                                            
68820 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS                               



A naval commander from Troon                                
Has a pink ass just like a baboon.                          
And when he was steamain',                                  
He'd fill it with seamen,                                   
And sail away on the full moon.                             
                                                            
68821 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Donald Britain           



Before she gave Nelson (Horatio)                            
His urgently needed fellatio,                               
She studied a chart                                         
Of his revalent part                                        
At a larger than 1 : 1 ratio.                               
                                                            
68822 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Peter Wilkins            



Said Lord Nelson, "Oh for a boat!                           
That I might still yet be afloat,                           
Not standing here solemn                                    
On top of this column,                                      
While pigeons crap over my coat."                           
                                                            
68823 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Richard Long             



Now Nelson was short of some parts,                         
But he had won everyone's hearts.                           
They made a collection;                                     
Got a good selection,                                       
And sent them off to him in carts.                          
                                                            
68824 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Tony Burrell             



"Hardy!  Now what's this I see?                             
Are these assorted limbs meant for me?"                     
"Aye, Captain, for you,                                     
But no one sent glue,                                       
So I guess you are still all at sea."                       
                                                            
68825 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Tony Burrell             



He hopped on one leg he had left,                           
Which had somewhat widened his cleft.                       
When Nels droped a fart,                                    
The waves they did part,                                    
And left the French Fleet bereft.                           
                                                            
68826 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Tony Burrell             



"Sacre Bleu, he's blown us apart                            
With one great Nelsonion fart.                              
With that sort of volume,                                   
They must give him a column                                 
So that London is safe from his art.                        
                                                            
68827 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Tony Burrell             



An admiral, based in Seattle,                               
Recounted his life with this prattle:                       
"Like most sea-faring he-men,                               
I've lost seamen and semen,                                 
In a naval or navel type battle."                           
                                                            
68828 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Ed Potts            P8503



A young navy captain named Gene                             
Had skippered a big submarine.                              
He had plunged to depths hairy                              
But his plunge into Mary                                    
Was the deepest he ever had been.                           
                                                            
68829 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Albin Chaplin   3024-0457



The navy wants "a few good men",                            
To help out this stressed out captain.                      
What he wants them to swab,                                 
Ain't the deck but his knob;                                
He makes them take turns swabbing him.                      
                                                            
68830 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS                               



A gay old Swiss admiral would wail,                         
While going down on young gobs by the rail.                 
Though unskilled on high seas,                              
He excelled on his knees,                                   
For the sucker would not ever fail.                         
                                                            
68831 WARFARE - NAVY - OFFICERS      Bob Giandomenico    P0209



Charlie was the name of a marine;                           
For some reason, he dipped his balls in cream.              
So then the ships cat                                       
Chased him out on the flat,                                 
Castrated him and licked the wound clean.                   
                                                            
68832 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Milford                  



For its civil defence, Saskatoon                            
Raised a forty-man naval platoon.                           
When they asked for a grant,                                
They were told, "No you can't.                              
Since your needs are, at best, picayune."                   
                                                            
68833 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         J P Slugworthy        83b



A submarine skipper, it's said,                             
Dims his headlights while cruising the Med.                 
And although it sound odd,                                  
On the USS Cod,                                             
The headlights are found in the head.                       
                                                            
68834 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Arthur Deex         P8406



Your friend should have joined the Navy                     
To spend all his life out at sea,                           
And play with the boats                                     
And hope that they float                                    
Back home, to come and see thee.                            
                                                            
68835 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Paul Steele              



It's spring, with a tinselly moon:                          
As the orchestra tootles its tune,                          
We see the Marines                                          
And their combat machines                                   
Performing a 'pas de platoon'.                              
                                                            
68836 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Mad Zeno                 



There once was a grunt with a sore;                         
Who screwed hundreds of women and more.                     
And though the marine                                       
Was always obscene,                                         
He ne'er was rotten to the corps.                           
                                                            
68837 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Anon                     



A soft hearted lady named Gore                              
Gave the G.I.'s relief from the war.                        
But the anxious Marines                                     
Could not get in her jeans --                               
She was rotten, they said, to the corps.                    
                                                            
68838 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Albin Chaplin   3024-0175



A lady whose named is forgotten                             
Said her ass to Marines was verboten.                       
But the G.I.'s, they vaunted,                               
Got all that they wanted --                                 
It was said to the Corps she was rotten.                    
                                                            
68839 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Albin Chaplin   3024-0149



A notorious bitch of a whore,                               
Would allow horny sailors to score.                         
But employed every means,                                   
Of avoiding Marines --                                      
She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.                 
                                                            
68840 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES                                  



A jilted young lady, Eleanor                                
Hated all marines forever more.                             
Is it any wonder                                            
All marines then shunned her,                               
Because she was rotten to the corps.                        
                                                            
68841 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Tom Patton          P0304



On the Gulf, the Iraqi top brass                            
Keep watch on all warships that pass.                       
They can tell, sure as shit,                                
That a frigate's a Brit                                     
By the price-tag affixed to its ass.                        
                                                            
68842 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Tony Davie Collection    



It was wartime with danger and tension                      
When they met at the Navy convention;                       
In the midst of the crowd                                   
The Marine stood, tall and proud.                           
His erection then drew her attention.                       
                                                            
68843 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Parker Waterman     P0111



A clean-cut and straight-laced Marine                       
Had a date with a whore from Racine.                        
His pants were so tight                                     
When he kissed her goodnight,                               
His demeanor was rendered obscene.                          
                                                            
68844 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Neal Wilgus         P8406



There once was a transvestite grunt,                        
Who wore a dress out on the hunt.                           
With lipstick and lace,                                     
He liked to give chase,                                     
But his comrades just thought him a cunt.                   
                                                            
68845 WARFARE - NAVY/MARINES         Anon                     



With the sirens, we rushed helter-skelter                   
To find a nearby air raid shelter.                          
In winter or spring                                         
We'd sleep, dance and sing;                                 
'Twas summer that caused us to swelter!                     
                                                            
68846 WARFARE - REALITY              Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young GI so glum --                             
From Vietnam with medals he'd come.                         
He received in the mail                                     
Both his arms in a pail.                                    
"It's a good place," he said, "to be from."                 
                                                            
68847 WARFARE - REALITY              Albin Chaplin   3024-2881



I've listened to new of the war,                            
But now it is time for a whore.                             
And after a fuck,                                           
Or a very long suck,                                        
I think I'll turn over and snore.                           
                                                            
68848 WARFARE - REALITY              Archie                   



With satellite dishes I'm able                              
To watch news of war at my stable,                          
Around the damn clock,                                      
While blasting my cock                                      
Inside the wet cunt of mule Mable.                          
                                                            
68849 WARFARE - REALITY              Travis                   



In battle the Japs rarely fled.                             
Machine guns for them held no dread.                        
Charging wave after wave,                                   
They proved they were brave,                                
But most of them also were dead.                            
                                                            
68850 WARFARE - REALITY              A. N. Wilkins       P9309



A draft would impose common sense                           
On do-gooders' tough-guy pretense.                          
That would be good                                          
'Cause everyman should                                      
Learn how to be part of defense.                            
                                                            
68851 WARFARE - REALITY              Anon                     



If everyman had to pay dues,                                
By having to face draftee blues,                            
Many would lose                                             
Their do-gooder views,                                      
By walking in battlefield shoes.                            
                                                            
68852 WARFARE - REALITY              Anon                     



In all wars the cost is too great,                          
But mankind just can't seem to wait,                        
With full bombast blown                                     
To kill off his own,                                        
Then curse others for his sad fate.                         
                                                            
68853 WARFARE - REALITY              Chris Papa               



A youth's arm flew past at velocity                         
Propelled by Cemtex's ferocity.                             
IRA stands proud                                            
For bombing the crowd.                                      
Yet another cowardly atrocity.                              
                                                            
68854 WARFARE - REALITY              Kim                      



There was an old man from Belgrade,                         
Who did wonderful things with a spade.                      
He built his own hovel,                                     
With only a shovel,                                         
But got it destroyed by grenade.                            
                                                            
68855 WARFARE - REALITY              Tim Ruddell              



For warmongers I don't give a fart.                         
Those who bomb little kids have no heart.                   
Bring on the reduction                                      
Of REAL mass destruction,                                   
And disarm the U.S. for a start.                            
                                                            
68856 WARFARE - REALITY              Edward Leer              



Disarm the U.S. you impart;                                 
The stench is a major brain fart.                           
It's too bad your beak                                      
Is still able to speak.                                     
I would think of your silence as art.                       
                                                            
68857 WARFARE - REALITY              Goin2later               



I've marched against fighting before.                       
I hate to see waste blood and gore.                         
To you that adds fuel                                       
But lets have a duel --                                     
We'll  both win the sexual war.                             
                                                            
68858 WARFARE - REALITY              Archie                   



Let's see; the scenario goes --                             
The gloves will come off with our clothes.                  
Some grope, slap, and tickle;                               
A hump bumping pickle.                                      
Orgasms, exhaustion, we doze.                               
                                                            
68859 WARFARE - REALITY              Goin2later               



I read with a mixture of tears                              
And relief that I missed your young fears                   
Of doodlebugs flying,                                       
And my neighbors dying,                                     
But I got 'Nam and Cold War years.                          
                                                            
68860 WARFARE - REALITY              Karen                    



I wasn't quite sure that I would                            
For I thought "they" might possibly could                   
Drop a big nuke                                             
On some communist kook                                      
Because they just thought that they should.                 
                                                            
68861 WARFARE - REALITY              Karen                    



I was torn, should I run or just die?                       
Did we have any choice but to fry?                          
And where could we go                                       
To avoid fallout snow?                                      
There seemed no real reason to try.                         
                                                            
68862 WARFARE - REALITY              Karen                    



There's always some bad news or other                       
That so far we've managed to weather.                       
But this sex scandal stuff                                  
Or some Sadam like tough,                                   
Sends me right to the end of my tether.                     
                                                            
68863 WARFARE - REALITY              Karen                    



There was an old general named Clyde                        
Who fought in Vietnam with great pride.                     
He said t'won't be long                                     
And there'll be no Viet Cong,                               
After millions of G.I.'s have died.                         
                                                            
68864 WARFARE - REALITY              Albin Chaplin            



Five Oh Seven did not really feel                           
That the hazards of warfare were real.                      
The lesson you learn                                        
From the unit's wrong turn                                  
Is: "Don't put a blonde at the wheel!"                      
                                                            
68865 WARFARE - REALITY              The Sailor          P0308



The 70's divided the masses,                                
With Saturday Night Fever classes.                          
Some came back from 'Nam                                    
Where they faced the small bomb,                            
Shit-covered sticks, and nerve gasses.                      
                                                            
68866 WARFARE - REALITY                                       



There was a young man of Seattle,                           
Who brothers were killed in a battle;                       
He feelingly said,                                          
"It's a pity they're dead,                                  
But I shall inherit their cattle."                          
                                                            
68867 WARFARE - REALITY              Lytell Book NonsenseP0109



The Bosnian killings appal,                                 
Yet NATO does nothing at all.                               
It just sits on its ass,                                    
While it polishes brass,                                    
Not to fight, but to shine at the ball.                     
                                                            
68868 WARFARE - REALITY              Warrick Elrod            



The United States has a navy,                               
Which sails an ocean that's wavy,                           
Manned by sailors in blue,                                  
Who fight battles for you,                                  
While you're home, swimming in gravy.                       
                                                            
68869 WARFARE - REALITY              Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401



There once was a soldier named Moore                        
Who was traumatized badly, by war;                          
In a battle now done,                                       
Where they say that we won,                                 
Although no one was keeping the score.                      
                                                            
68870 WARFARE - REALITY              Cap'n Bean          P0302



On World War Two prolific be.                               
From dawn to dawn prodigiously                              
Let's limerick War Two                                      
Aware when we're through,                                   
No limericks after World War Three.                         
                                                            
68871 WARFARE - REALITY              Irving Superior     P8901



When Francois left his sickly Viet whore,                   
Uncle Sam rushed right in for a score.                      
When Abe got the syph                                       
From a Lebanese quiff,                                      
Uncle Sam dropped his pants for some more.                  
                                                            
68872 WARFARE - REALITY              Albin Chaplin            



His stint in the military                                   
Was shockingly sanguinary.                                  
Children saw their last light                               
When he came in the night;                                  
The garlanded Senator Kerrey.                               
                                                            
68873 WARFARE - REALITY              DC Dave                  



While the rules of engagement ring true,                    
They will limit just what you may do.                       
So pay little heed                                          
In view of your need,                                       
To shoot him before he shoots you.                          
                                                            
68874 WARFARE - REALITY              The Sailor          P0309



Uncle Sam sent my arse in harm's way;                       
He conscripted it -- I had no say.                          
But my arse survives                                        
And it mourns for the guys                                  
Whose brave arses got blown clean away.                     
                                                            
68875 WARFARE - REALITY              William N. Nesbit   P9703



Those brave Poles who during the War saw                    
The ghetto uprising in Warsaw                               
And died in the fray                                        
Are Polacks today!                                          
Sic Gloria Transit and War's awe.                           
                                                            
68876 WARFARE - REALITY              Irving Superior     P8909



With planes zooming down from the sky                       
And machine guns the next ones to try,                      
And there's always the stink                                
As we crouch there and think                                
How the days of our youth hurry by.                         
                                                            
68877 WARFARE - REALITY              Irving Superior     P9607



Peacekeepers were built by the score;                       
Waging peace was more frightful than war.                   
Double talk, double think,                                  
And atomic war brink.                                       
We've arrived; it is 1984!                                  
                                                            
68878 WARFARE - REALITY              Albin Chaplin            



Every Harry, Richard, and Tom,                              
Believed we could win there, in 'Nam.                       
But that bloody damn war                                    
Kept sucking in more,                                       
As fodder for bullet and bomb.                              
                                                            
68879 WARFARE - REALITY              Gifford Wherry           



"In the infantry more than a million                        
Are fighting," declared Private Killian,                    
"Who don't want to be brave,                                
What all of us crave                                        
Is the chance to become a civilian."                        
                                                            
68880 WARFARE - REALITY              A. N. Wilkins       P8406



Said the general, "I just adore                             
The pathos engendered by war.                               
The shrieks of the dying;                                   
The body parts flying;                                      
It begs for a speedy encore.                                
                                                            
68881 WARFARE - REALITY              John Miller              



You may think this war is insanity;                         
That bombing for peace is profanity.                        
But as I live and breathe,                                  
You have got to believe,                                    
We are waging this war for humanity!                        
                                                            
68882 WARFARE - REALITY                                       



A week before Armistice Day                                 
A poet who war did portray                                  
With gut-wrenching pity,                                    
In verse racked and gritty,                                 
Was killed, on a field, faraway...                          
(Wilfred Owen 1893-1918)                                    
68883 WARFARE - REALITY              TuttaGioia               



Our doctrine in case of a war                               
Is to nuke 'em with MX's galore.                            
Then a short intermission                                   
For an act of contrition                                    
Before we have World War Four.                              
                                                            
68884 WARFARE - REALITY              Arthur Deex         P8406



Today, no limerick will be writ,                            
For evil has robbed the mind of wit.                        
When a thousand fold die,                                   
In the blink of an eye,                                     
There are no words that aptly fit.                          
                                                            
68885 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Lims For Year - 01       



There once was a turbaned Afghani,                          
Who dressed much the same as my Granny.                     
He bragged of his power.                                    
He'd threaten and glower,                                   
And tell us they'd beat us.  My fanny!                      
                                                            
68886 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Irish                    



We are from the great USA;                                  
We are going bombing today.                                 
It's annihilation                                           
With justification.                                         
Look out!  Missles are on the way!                          
                                                            
68887 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Tony Burrell             



When Afghans find freedoms beguile 'em,                     
They hope that some hijackers pile 'em                      
Aboard a jet vessel                                         
Whose pilot won't wrestle,                                  
But fly to the West for Asylum!                             
                                                            
68888 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Prof M-G                 



The FBI panic mode starts,                                  
Because of a model dog's farts.                             
But strangest -- most bit:                                  
They thought it would shit,                                 
And swabs took from its hinder parts.                       
                                                            
68889 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Tiddy Ogg                



Whenever the al Qaida flee,                                 
The last member out's sure to be                            
Assigned to make sure                                       
That the decoys and lures                                   
Are left out for the U.S. to see.                           
                                                            
68890 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-15-01    



According to General Powell                                 
Since al Qaida has thrown in the towel,                     
No terrorists can                                           
Be in Afghanistan:                                          
Be watching for his disavowal.                              
                                                            
68891 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-15-01    



A moody assassin is Hassin;                                 
For more that two months Hassin hasn't.                     
At the Can Can Cafe,                                        
In a brutal display,                                        
He kicked every ass in, assassin. (has Hassin)              
                                                            
68892 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Irving Superior     P8407



Muslim pirates perfected the raid,                          
Holding captives till ransom was paid.                      
Ayatollah's grim crews                                      
In the Lebanese stews,                                      
Today carry on the grim trade.                              
                                                            
68893 WARFARE - TERRORISM            A. N. Wilkins       P8804



Hooligans loose in Belfast,                                 
With pipe bombs that cause such a blast.                    
Aimed at the police,                                        
One lad, slow to release,                                   
Found the bomb that he held was his last.                   
                                                            
68894 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Tony Burrell             



A coke sniffing dork from Atlanta                           
Was grabbing a ride with old Santa,                         
Had a bomb in his shoe,                                     
And I swear that it's true,                                 
That the fire was put out with Fanta.                       
                                                            
68895 WARFARE - TERRORISM                                     



To eliminate terror Islamic,                                
We'll send them two presents atomic,                        
With Medina the first                                       
Where the mushroom will burst,                              
Then Mecca, for loss astronomic.                            
                                                            
68896 WARFARE - TERRORISM                                     



A bomb-sniffing dog, "Best in Class,"                       
Once sniffed, at the airport, a lass;                       
The bomb squad and S.W.A.T                                  
Team probed the girls twat,                                 
And exploded all night in her ass.                          
                                                            
68897 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Travis Brasell           



There once was a sheik -- an Afghani,                       
Whose likeness to sheep was uncanny.                        
He caught all the eyes                                      
Of the Taliban guys,                                        
As they waited in line for his fanny.                       
                                                            
68898 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Irish                    



Our reality is getting too stark                            
And Western Civ's crawling towards dark.                    
You can only say, "Cripes!"                                 
When bombs made of pipes                                    
Blow up in Centennial Park!                                 
(during 1996 Summer Olympics)                               
68899 WARFARE - TERRORISM            CB                       



Actions taken that he must arrange,                         
Giant ripples that some see as strange;                     
Motivation is good,                                         
And the needs understood,                                   
Everyone paying heed to the change.                         
                                                            
68900 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel Ash            P0110



Don't worry, Osama's a knave                                
Who's damned to die deep in a cave,                         
With all of his cronies,                                    
While picking the bonies                                    
Of that old dead whore friend of Dave's.                    
                                                            
68901 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Travis Brasell           



We're engaged in a frightening race                         
To get busy and colonize space,                             
E'er one or more arabs                                      
Using viral scarabs                                         
May wipe all the life from Earth's face.                    
                                                            
68902 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick              



In the end all the Earth will rejoice,                      
Millions singing with one mighty voice;                     
Torch of victory lit,                                       
Justice served as befit,                                    
Gentle giant had no other choice.                           
                                                            
68903 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel Ash            P0110



The foul deed they've done to our land,                     
Will bring to their sad nomad band,                         
More sorrow, I feel,                                        
And hope we can steel                                       
Ourselves, to deal with fisted hand.                        
                                                            
68904 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Chris Papa               



When Afghans find freedoms beguile 'em,                     
They hope that some hijackers pile 'em                      
Aboard a jet vessel                                         
Whose pilot won't wrestle,                                  
And flee to the West for asylum!                            
                                                            
68905 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Prof M-G                 



When flying I don't have a fear,                            
Since we're flying "naked" this year.                       
No bombs in your shoe,                                      
Or plastic knives too,                                      
And nowhere to put any gear.                                
                                                            
68906 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Barbara Cunningham  P0203



The airline is named "Naked Air";                           
We are friendly and fly everywhere.                         
From the States to Bombay,                                  
All I wore was a tray,                                      
And not a thing to declare.                                 
                                                            
68907 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Barbara Cunningham  P0203



What religion you are no one knows?                         
It's hard to detect without clothes.                        
No crosses or stars,                                        
Or cross your heart bra's,                                  
Now let's just see how it goes?                             
                                                            
68908 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Barbara Cunningham  P0203



So joking you better not say,                               
There's a guy with a knife here today.                      
Or a man with long beard                                    
Had better be feared,                                       
It's a certain they'll whisk you away.                      
                                                            
68909 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Barbara Cunningham  P0203



So have a safe trip when you fly,                           
And YOU pick the time when you die.                         
When you conquer your fear,                                 
You'll feel heaven is here,                                 
And kiss all your worries good-bye.                         
                                                            
68910 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Barbara Cunningham  P0203



Giant rage that is hard to contain,                         
Lashing out he must fight to restrain;                      
Proper thought is applied,                                  
And with right on his side,                                 
He embarks on a vengence campaign.                          
                                                            
68911 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel Ash            P0110



Stop fanatics from having some fun?                         
Though something that I've never done,                      
They'd have met a quick end,                                
If I or some friend                                         
Had been there and packin' a gun.                           
                                                            
68912 WARFARE - TERRORISM                                     



Unfortunate word that: crusade.                             
But it was instictively made.                               
So what if some find                                        
It offensive; remind                                        
Them "Jihad" is offensive a shade.                          
                                                            
68913 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Peter Wilkins            



The bombers are more than just sick;                        
I'd hang them all up by their pricks.                       
And for their foul murders,                                 
I'd sharpen some girders,                                   
And bleed them to death with some nicks.                    
                                                            
68914 WARFARE - TERRORISM                                     



Aytollah, Coca cola, and Rickety-Rax,                       
We carry out Iran's kamakazi attacks!                       
With all we stand                                           
And explode on demand,                                      
You could say we're Ayatollah Koh-maniacs!                  
                                                            
68915 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Ann Gasser          P8712



In limericks, it's hard to express                          
How I feel about the WTC mess.                              
Yet, despite my grief,                                      
It is my belief                                             
Life goes on; I'll give it my best.                         
                                                            
68916 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Christopher Anton        



Being half-Arab, I used to be proud,                        
Shared my heritage often and loud.                          
But Bin Laden's a dastard,                                  
A Satan-led bastard,                                        
Who is better off wearing a shroud.                         
                                                            
68917 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Christopher Anton        



It is hard to take up the pen,                              
But please, dear friends, do it again.                      
Laden's goal's to destroy                                   
All things we enjoy.                                        
We can't let that lunatic win.                              
                                                            
68918 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Christopher Anton        



It's easier now from the sky,                               
"Assisting" those others to die.                            
Avoiding the thrill                                         
Of making the kill                                          
While looking the lad in the eye.                           
                                                            
68919 WARFARE - TERRORISM            John Miller              



Lady terrorists, trying to trick us,                        
Are now wearing explosive knickers.                         
I believe that's absurd                                     
And I think that I've heard                                 
It's an excuse for strip searching trippers.                
                                                            
68920 WARFARE - TERRORISM            AA                       



A temblor abetted the trauma                                
Of New Yorker's ongoing drama.                              
A great mystery!                                            
Would you please tell me,                                   
How you pulled that one off, dear Osama?                    
                                                            
68921 WARFARE - TERRORISM            John Miller              



I've oft heard of that "hidden land,"                       
Place where Osama's turbaned band                           
Enjoys a cave warm                                          
Free from the swarm                                         
Of bombs from U.S, Air Command.                             
                                                            
68922 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Chris Papa               



One cheer for the Northern Alliance,                        
Though Taliban showed little defiance.                      
Not socially skilled,                                       
Look how many they killed;                                  
Compassion is not rocket science.                           
                                                            
68923 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Tony Burrell             



Weapons of mass destruction                                 
Is just convenient expression                               
To justify what                                             
We aver it is not;                                          
A war of naked agression.                                   
                                                            
68924 WARFARE - TERRORISM            David Martin             



Oh, let me just give you the word;                          
You're simply a dumb right-wing nerd.                       
Your lims are a fake;                                       
You're mad and a flake.                                     
Now I'll at your bird, flip the bird.                       
                                                            
68925 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Archie                   



If one can tell day from the night,                         
And can see what is black and is white,                     
He should not in his rhyme                                  
Make fun of mass crime,                                     
Or invoke the tired "Left-versus-Right".                    
                                                            
68926 WARFARE - TERRORISM            David Martin             



Old Dante knew life was just comic                          
And Death is at times philanthropic.                        
To laugh at mass crime,                                     
In prose or in rhyme,                                       
Reduces the stress anatomic.                                
                                                            
68927 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Archie                   



If you think he's a man of the left,                        
Of sense you're completely bereft.                          
That he should control                                      
A party of proles,                                          
Amounts to an out and out theft.                            
                                                            
68928 WARFARE - TERRORISM            David Martin             



Opinions are held by us each,                               
But David is no one to preach.                              
Since he's claiming the right                               
To send me his shite,                                       
While denying me freedom of speech.                         
                                                            
68929 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Travis Brasell           



"Our task is to sort through the lies,"                     
Said Donne, "and find the truth that applies."              
Then make our demand                                        
With dollar in hand,                                        
While hoping for HOT freedom fries!"                        
                                                            
68930 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Travis Brasell           



Dave, should he run out of luck,                            
Might pick the wrong body to fuck.                          
A corpse with the smile                                     
Of a hijacker vile,                                         
And then even Dave would upchuck.                           
                                                            
68931 WARFARE - TERRORISM                                     



Souls of terrorists and their allies                        
Are in for a horrendous surprise:                           
They'll awake -- and then dwell                             
In eternity's hell,                                         
And not in, as they hoped, paradise.                        
                                                            
68932 WARFARE - TERRORISM            William Nesbit      P0110



Far away I can hear a KABOOM!                               
Mushroom clouds in the distance doth loom.                  
Great squirts of gas                                        
Shooting out of their ass.                                  
And their balls will hang from the moon.                    
                                                            
68933 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Buck                     



Saddam and Osama Bin Laden                                  
Attempted to take us a hard un.                             
When faced with defeat,                                     
They took to the street,                                    
And hid in a Syrian garden.                                 
                                                            
68934 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Aussie Owl               



You may say that they're on the run,                        
But in Arab minds they have won.                            
Their homes they have flitted,                              
Yet death they've outwitted,                                
Despite Georges, father and son.                            
                                                            
68935 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Tiddy Ogg                



A Taliban man named Abdul                                   
Was flying a plane from Kabul.                              
After crashing thought, well,                               
Now I'm cooking in hell.                                    
All that paradise talk was just bull.                       
                                                            
68936 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Snaggletooth             



These virgins are Satan in drag;                            
You're poking his ass like a fag.                           
And your sexual gig                                         
Was never that big,                                         
Just barely enough for a shag.                              
                                                            
68937 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Snaggletooth             



Crushed concrete, red stained twisted steel.                
These senseless "acts" beyond unreal.                       
All peoples must now unite.                                 
Respond but do not incite.                                  
To higher powers please appeal.                             
                                                            
68938 WARFARE - TERRORISM            David J Stein       P0110



You all wish the Afghans no ill;                            
Moslems in general, less still.                             
How careful you aim                                         
In this aerial game;                                        
Bombs still do not know who to kill.                        
                                                            
68939 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Tony Burrell             



To the hackers and spammers and pederasts,                  
Infesting the Web, now add terrorists;                      
Into sites pornographic,                                    
They encode their own traffic,                              
Instructions for killing and bomb blasts.                   
                                                            
68940 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  02-06-01    



Hey Merkins, you better take fright;                        
My warriors come in the night.                              
It's no use to hunker                                       
Down there in your bunker;                                  
I smuggled in pure anthracite.                              
                                                            
68941 WARFARE - TERRORISM                                     



I know that prediction is chancey,                          
But I, without access to fancy                              
Intelligence briefs,                                        
Or dropping at eaves,                                       
Knew terrorists, from reading Tom Clancy.                   
(Warned about suicide bomber, hijackers, etc.)              
68942 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  05-17-02    



Propagandizing with our best tools,                         
We've dredged up some Victorian jewels.                     
Aren't wars on terrorism                                    
New Colonialism?                                            
Well, at least we'll bring both roads and schools.          
                                                            
68943 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



September eleventh appalling,                               
Twin towers first burning, then falling;                    
Screams heard o'er the land,                                
So united we stand,                                         
Galling threat, our resolve now forestalling.               
                                                            
68944 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel D Ash          P0111



Graceful buildings so tall are now gone,                    
But not freedom's torch and pylon;                          
Wan faces uplifted,                                         
Our attitudes shifted,                                      
Thoughts dwelling upon Avalon.                              
                                                            
68945 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel D Ash          P0111



Armageddon instilled in each heart,                         
Legions gather to strike at the start;                      
Our rampart defended,                                       
The mundane transcended,                                    
Each patriot plays a grand part.                            
                                                            
68946 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel D Ash          P0111



Two towers of strength in our minds,                        
Great purpose and oneness one finds;                        
Togetherness soaring,                                       
Our battle cry roaring,                                     
This red, white, and blue issue binds.                      
                                                            
68947 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel D Ash          P0111



Through acts of unspeakable gloom                           
The Trade Center site is a tomb;                            
A mound of debris                                           
So horrific to see,                                         
Where thousands were sent to their doom.                    
                                                            
68948 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Cap'n Bean          P0111



The history books will now tell                             
Of the day the World Trade Center fell;                     
September eleven                                            
Sent thousands to heaven,                                   
But those bastards, for sure, went to hell.                 
                                                            
68949 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Cap'n Bean          P0111



The FBI expert concludes                                    
That the plastique found packed in Reid's shoes,            
Could have blown a big hole,                                
Causing loss of control                                     
And a mid-ocean crash with no clues.                        
                                                            
68950 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-28-01    



I'd like it if someone explained                            
Why Reid sat near the back of the plane.                    
Is this where the tail                                      
Was at max risk to fail                                     
By a hole adding torque, stress, and strain.                
                                                            
68951 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-28-01    



Remember flight 587?                                        
On Long Island, it crashed burned and deafened --           
Did the tail come loose                                     
Because of the shoes                                        
Of some zealot with ticket to heaven.                       
                                                            
68952 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-28-01    



A terrorist tried something new --                          
An explosive device in his shoe.                            
This modified brogan                                        
Caused diversion to Logan                                   
When they caught him with match to the fuse.                
                                                            
68953 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-22-01    



Right now, people's nerves are quite taut,                  
And I'll bet his subduction was not                         
At all kind and gentle,                                     
But unsentimental.                                          
As out of him, folks beat the snot.                         
                                                            
68954 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-22-01    



I imagine they all stood in line                            
For their turn to subdue this Einstein.                     
Some cheerful chat while                                    
They stood in the aisle                                     
And pummeled him, one at a time.                            
                                                            
68955 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Dr Limerick  12-22-01    



Though a terrorist act may befall,                          
I spend every day at the mall.                              
Said Dubya, "Don't stop                                     
The urge to go shop!"                                       
So I'm answering my country's call.                         
                                                            
68956 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Observer                 



The Taliban's beset with woes,                              
But well then, that's how a war goes.                       
They're feeling the heat,                                   
And now in retreat,                                         
They've chose the wrong foes to oppose.                     
                                                            
68957 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Observer                 



John Walker Lindh's not bin Laden,                          
Even though his chances were rotten.                        
So let us be candid;                                        
He's a mere Talibandit,                                     
Who easily will be forgotten.                               
                                                            
68958 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Limerick Savant          



The Taliban's now on the run;                               
Perhaps they're sorry they begun.                           
Bring them to justice,                                      
But all the truth just is                                   
Atrocities can't be undone.                                 
                                                            
68959 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Tony Burrell             



A fanatic whose name was Bahram                             
Was arrested in Dar es Salaam.                              
In a bag, the police                                        
Were collecting each piece                                  
Of his partner, who'd carried the bomb.                     
                                                            
68960 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Cybergeezer              



Some Hindus, disciples of Charon,                           
Scheme with Muslims to turn our world barren.               
They're so EVIL, you see...                                 
I'm so glad that we                                         
Wouldn't stoop to use nukes, germs, or sarin...             
                                                            
68961 WARFARE - TERRORISM            John Miller              



To end all the terror Islamic,                              
We'll send them two presents atomic.                        
With Medina the first                                       
Where the mushroom will burst;                              
Then Mecca for loss astronomic.                             
                                                            
68962 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Hugh Clary               



Sleeping giant with dreams full of love,                    
Peaceful slumber midst land of the dove;                    
Shaken out of deep sleep,                                   
A sad pause, time to weep,                                  
Rising anger with cause from above.                         
                                                            
68963 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel Ash            P0110



With purpose and strength, wide awake,                      
He begins all the steps he must take;                       
Down a road long and hard,                                  
Even in his backyard,                                       
With the fate of the world now at stake.                    
                                                            
68964 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Joel Ash            P0110



Since airport screening suffered a lax lapse                
Suicide pilots caused twin tower collapse                   
Now steel melt should be heeded                             
While low line design's needed                              
Skyscraper era's remembered with taps.                      
                                                            
68965 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Esther Koch         P0110



Our Trade Center fell with a roar,                          
In unspeakable carnage and gore,                            
At a horrible cost                                          
To those crippled and lost;                                 
We'll remember this day evermore.                           
                                                            
68966 WARFARE - TERRORISM            Cap'n Bean          P0110



FBI documents hidden away,                                  
Probably won't, in the end, help McVeigh.                   
But the document clerk                                      
Will soon be out of work                                    
For the blunder he found and displayed.                     
                                                            
68967 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Dr Limerick  05-11-01    



The cowardly killer, McVeigh,                               
Has sniveled and begged for a stay.                         
Said the court, "That's just crap 'n'                       
It ain't gonna happen;                                      
Get ready, you're goin' away.                               
                                                            
68968 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Observer                 



Said McVeigh, as he cheerfully waved                        
To the crowd, "You are sick and depraved,                   
So, through being rotten,                                   
It's clear that I've gotten                                 
The attention that I've always craved."                     
                                                            
68969 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  John Miller              



The cowardly killer, McVeigh,                               
With luck, has held justice at bay.                         
But the grim reaper waits,                                  
Patiently, at the gates                                     
Of Hell, to award Tim his pay!                              
                                                            
68970 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Observer                 



An eye for an eye, to each his kind;                        
On and on until we are blind.                               
They'll all hold a grudge;                                  
Should be God who's the judge.                              
That wisdom they never will find.                           
                                                            
68971 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Mastersk8                



McVeigh is just digging the perks                           
Of a federal pen with the works,                            
Watching his tale on cable                                  
While we're still unable                                    
To kill 'cause of FBI jerks.                                
                                                            
68972 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Cyberwizard              



Most Americans think it just fine                           
That the death toll's now one sixty nine.                   
Though sordid and ugly,                                     
They give their thanks smugly,                              
To a God who says "Vengence is mine!"                       
                                                            
68973 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Mastersk8                



He says that his type will hit harder,                      
If he should become a new martyr.                           
The scary part is                                           
I'm buying that biz;                                        
You'd hope that our folks would be smarter.                 
                                                            
68974 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Cyberwizard              



I find it exceedingly odd                                   
When the squeamish all mew, "Spare the rod!"                
See the criminal brain                                      
Is society's drain;                                         
The People shoul get rid of the clod!                       
                                                            
68975 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Tom Accousti             



Seems the criminal get all the rights                       
And the victims are left to their plights.                  
Tim broke the laws;  (McVeigh)                              
Let society's jaws                                          
Close down and snuff out his lights.                        
                                                            
68976 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Tom Accousti             



Tim's point is: Is conspiracy thought                       
And political underground fraught                           
With misplaced papers,                                      
And FBI capers;                                             
Make you wonder who else has been bought.                   
                                                            
68977 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Tom Accousti             



If Kevorkian is put away                                    
His cell mate should be Tim McVeigh.                        
When the doc prevails,                                      
He'll clean out the jails,                                  
And true justice will then have its day.                    
                                                            
68978 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Tom Patton          P9708



We saw the All American Way,                                
Demonstrated by young Tim McVey.                            
But if might was right,                                     
Why get so up tight,                                        
And blow that poor sucker away?                             
                                                            
68979 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Dr Limerick              



Though we differ about execution,                           
As a decent crime-fighting solution,                        
You really can't mean                                       
That an act so obscene,                                     
Deserves less than max retribution.                         
                                                            
68980 WARFARE - TERRORISM - MCVEIGH  Dr Limerick              



There once was a man in Afghanistan,                        
A guest of the rulers called "Taliban."                     
This man in a turban                                        
Destroyed buildings urban,                                  
And said, "Let's kill every American."                      
                                                            
68981 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    M Fotheringham           



"The jihad will finally find birth,"                        
He surmised with undisguised mirth.                         
But all that he triggered                                   
Were Yanks re-invigored,                                    
To sweep his kind off of the Earth.                         
                                                            
68982 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    M Fotheringham           



So, if I were a guy named Osama,                            
I think I'd be crying for "Mama!"                           
For what has begun                                          
Will never be done,                                         
'Til Osama has suffered some trauma.                        
                                                            
68983 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    M Fotheringham           



Yes, If I were Osama bin Laden,                             
I think that my pants would be sodden.                      
For regardless of wealth,                                   
When your facing a Stealth,                                 
The hole that you hide in, you'll rot in.                   
                                                            
68984 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    M Fotheringham           



We're bombing a big stretch of sand                         
That once was Bin Laden's home land.                        
It cannot be wrong                                          
Although he's long gone,                                    
We'll make sure the desert does understand.                 
                                                            
68985 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tony Burrell             



Osama, that Al Queda pain,                                  
Lies somewhere in the Hindu Kush Plain.                     
He broke a few yolks                                        
For the Afghan folks                                        
And was ultimate ULTRAMONTANE.                              
                                                            
68986 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Chris Papa               



Now the sheik huddles down in his cave;                     
He knows soon it will be his deep grave.                    
When he screams in stark fear,                              
Even Allah won't hear                                       
"Why 'd I attack the home of the brave."                    
                                                            
68987 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tom Patton          P0201



The cretin, ex of Saudi                                     
Will soon be unable to see                                  
O'er his shoulder.  Perchance                               
He will need some new pants,                                
With his ass where his neck used to be.                     
                                                            
68988 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



We're certain to see justice meted;                         
Of that fact, almost all have conceeded.                    
"Bin Laden," says Bush,                                     
"Will fall on his tush.                                     
I'm resolved to see him de-feeted!"                         
                                                            
68989 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Observer                 



There once was a man named Bin Laden,                       
Who caused us to sadden and madden,                         
Aladdin he's not,                                           
Magic lamp he ain't got,                                    
We will get him and hearts will then gladden.               
                                                            
68990 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Joel Ash            P0110



Bin Laden and all brought to trial,                         
Their crimes filled with evil and guile;                    
Vile acts demand death,                                     
Reconcile ending breath,                                    
Contemplation that brings forth a smile.                    
                                                            
68991 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Joel Ash            P0110



Afghanistan is a small enclave,                             
Intent on Bin Laden to save.                                
Though if he's still there,                                 
They don't know just where,                                 
But they're sure he will always behave.                     
                                                            
68992 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Chris Papa               



Old Bin Laden is such a great bore,                         
I wish they would give him what for.                        
Just blow up his cave                                       
But all his bits save,                                      
So he could come back as Dave's whore.                      
                                                            
68993 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Marlene Lewis            



America's resolve is firm                                   
As we make old Osama squirm.                                
And isn't he brave                                          
Hiding out in a cave,                                       
Like a little old cowardly worm.                            
                                                            
68994 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Observer                 



This Bin Laden turd is the one                              
Whose balls should be shot with a gun.                      
He's screwed up my life --                                  
Help!  Get me a knife --                                    
'Cause I'm going to leave him with none!                    
                                                            
68995 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Marlene Lewis            



The man has escaped us, by thunder!                         
Our noses Bin Laden went under!                             
With a pair of dark shades,                                 
A dashiki and braids                                        
Disguised as ostevie bin wonder!                            
                                                            
68996 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



In Islam the burqa's respected;                             
For women its use is expected.                              
Old Ossy Bin L,                                             
He wears it as well,                                        
So he can escape undetected.                                
                                                            
68997 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tony Burrell             



They've surrounded our friendly Omar,                       
So he will not get very far.                                
But then there's a gust,                                    
A hole in the dust,                                         
He's gone by his bike and sidecar.                          
                                                            
68998 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tony Burrell             



A crafty old fag named Osama                                
Could change a young boy to a bomma.                        
He'd quote from the Koran                                   
And never go whoran,                                        
Yet secretly fucked his own momma.                          
                                                            
68999 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



O'Sammy's name don't be besmirchin'                         
Or 'round here he'll always be lurchin',                    
When he's but a ghost;                                      
I hope that's the most                                      
He gets of those multiple virgins.                          
                                                            
69000 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Cyber Wizard             



Some say Bin Laden is gay                                   
Or even, let him have his day.                              
But I say punishment's due                                  
With interest too,                                          
No Corcoran for you, sans beard OJ.                         
                                                            
69001 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



There was once this wimp named Bin Laden,                   
Who sought immortal pardon,                                 
For neither women nor goat,                                 
Nor buildings he smote,                                     
Could possibly give him a hard'n.                           
                                                            
69002 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Got a message today through my modem                        
From a friend in L.A., and I quote him:                     
"When Osama's been taken,                                   
We'll wrap him in bacon,                                    
Then hack, with a box knife, his scrotum."                  
                                                            
69003 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Osama Bin Laden is glum;                                    
His prick is the size of his thumb.                         
Since late last December                                    
He's played with his member,                                
And still he is waiting to come!                            
                                                            
69004 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Osama bin Laden's been found!                               
At a place where Big Gulps have been downed.                
They noticed a mug                                          
With a face not so smug --                                  
Perhaps you have seen him around.                           
                                                            
69005 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



I hear the perverted Osama,                                 
When fucking the cunt of his mama,                          
Was belittled by her                                        
Cause he came in a blur,                                    
And his dick was the size of a comma.                       
                                                            
69006 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



The mother of Slimey bin Laden                              
Bore numerous kids for jihadin',                            
And from giving such birth                                  
To the scum of the earth,                                   
Had a pussy the size of a garden.                           
                                                            
69007 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Whatever the mess that he's in,                             
Be it even one caused by his kin,                           
It's fair to assume                                         
To believe and presume                                      
That old Dubya blames Bin Laden.                            
                                                            
69008 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Phil T                   



"Osama," said Bush, "would of prospered                     
If he would have took what I offered;                       
But now a big blast                                         
Just blew his ass past                                      
My ranch here in Texas near Crawford."                      
                                                            
69009 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Travis Brasell           



It would be a terrible shame,                               
If Bin Laden wasn't to blame,                               
If in the event,                                            
He proved innocent;                                         
Oh Hell!  Let's bomb him just the same.                     
                                                            
69010 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tony Burrell             



Osama's been Laden with dirty thought;                      
Pretends it's a holy war he's fought.                       
Truth is, in his teens,                                     
He tried American jeans,                                    
And in the zipper his pecker got caught.                    
                                                            
69011 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Gunjan Saraf             



Up to his ass in large boulders,                            
Bin Laden's head's still on his shoulders.                  
So he bought his way out;                                   
Left his troops in a rout;                                  
We will dance on his corpse when it molders.                
                                                            
69012 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tomer Shiran             



Now the courts have discovered a gaffe                      
Over who'll try bin Laden; his staff,                       
The U.S. or Afghans,                                        
But the Mossad has plans                                    
For giving each country a half.                             
                                                            
69013 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Dennis M Hammes          



As a youth, Osama bin Laden                                 
Got caught with a goat he was proddin';                     
The mullah said, "Mister!                                   
You're fuckin' your sister!"                                
And his father just stood there a-noddin'.                  
                                                            
69014 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Osama bin Ladin, they say                                   
Has managed to get clean away.                              
But Musharraf's analysis                                    
Says he's needing dialysis --                               
His wooden kidney, I pray.                                  
                                                            
69015 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



A man called bin Laden is heard                             
To say, "That I'm dead is absurd.                           
You've forgotten my name,                                   
But still play the game.                                    
I say you've not heard my last word."                       
                                                            
69016 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Anon                     



Great Allah has made a decree;                              
Bin Laden demise we shall see.                              
Being shot by his son                                       
With his very own gun,                                      
Prime time Saturday night on TV.                            
                                                            
69017 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tony Burrell             



Osama bin Laden was thrilled                                
When The Towers his Islamites drilled,                      
But it seems he forgot,                                     
In the carnage he wrought,                                  
The abundance of Muslims he killed.                         
                                                            
69018 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Bin Laden's a son of a bitch;                               
Let's shoot him and watch as he twitch-                     
es while hung by his balls,                                 
Then dragged through the halls                              
As women get ready to pitch...                              
                                                            
69019 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



...Their berkas at him as they dance                        
Bare faced, while looking askance                           
At his balls so teeny,                                      
Microscopic wienie,                                         
And ankles now holding his pants.                           
                                                            
69020 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Hi Ossie, it's Saddam Hussein.                              
That Dubya is being a pain.                                 
He'll kick my poor ass                                      
So how 'bout I pass                                         
My weapons to you.  Send a plane.                           
                                                            
69021 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tiddy Ogg                



There's plenty of old DC3's,                                
With pilots who'll do as you please.                        
Drop Blair in the shit,                                     
And drop them on Brits;                                     
Turn the brat yellow as cheese.                             
                                                            
69022 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tiddy Ogg                



The Merkin defence won't detect                             
The plane; stupid Blair won't suspect.                      
The plane's mission means                                   
Goodbye Milton Keynes...                                    
It should have a stunning effect.                           
                                                            
69023 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tiddy Ogg                



The Dubya gave this news update:                            
"That feller we all love to hate                            
That gol' durned Osama,                                     
We'll catch him with drama!                                 
We'll go back to that lucky hole and wait!"                 
                                                            
69024 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Jeanie                   



Osama! Osama Bin Laden!                                     
You wanted to see us downtrodden.                           
Desire now has risen                                        
To see you in prison,                                       
Where Bubba can stick his stiff rod in.                     
                                                            
69025 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    John Miller              



Not Wanted now: Dead Or Alive!                              
Osama's now been neutralized.                               
Our troops are all packed                                   
To head for Iraq,                                           
So Osama can plan the reprise.                              
                                                            
69026 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Dr Limerick              



They say that Osama bin Laden                               
As a child, was spoiled quite rotten.                       
In the U.S. of A.                                           
There are many who say,                                     
"The same for his corpse, when we've caught him!"           
                                                            
69027 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Dr Limerick              



Some high-ranking American said,                            
They'd almost got bin Laden's head                          
In a noose.  Said that man,                                 
"He's in Afghanistan,                                       
Or some other country, or dead."                            
                                                            
69028 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tiddy Ogg                



Osama's the latest of kooks                                 
To tell everyone he has nukes;                              
It's good terror-fication                                   
Because verification                                        
Depends on our Keystone Kops spooks.                        
                                                            
69029 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Dr Limerick  11-11-01    



There once was a man named Osama                            
Who suffered a serious trauma,                              
When his father said, "Son,                                 
I screw camels for fun,                                     
And you really resemble your mama."                         
                                                            
69030 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Roy Berkeley             



There once was a downtown New York,                         
With towers like teeth of a fork.                           
Bin Laden may pray,                                         
But we will make him pay:                                   
We will catch him and make him eat pork!                    
                                                            
69031 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0111



Said Ossie, "The outlook is bleak,                          
So out of my cave I did sneak.                              
Took burkha from spouse,                                    
Snuck out like a mouse,                                     
Without so much as a squeak!                                
                                                            
69032 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Observer                 



A rag-headed faggot from Saudi                              
Arabia got a bit rowdy,                                     
So we've banded together                                    
To darken his weather,                                      
And change it from Sunni to cloudy.                         
                                                            
69033 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Hugh Clary               



A shrink at Guantanamo Bay                                  
Did convert to the Taliban way;                             
Said; if you ask I will tell                                
That I'm feeling quite swell.                               
When Usama gets here I`ll be gay                            
                                                            
69034 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



Old Osama's now laughing his ass                            
Off, 'cause the Merkin top brass                            
With Dubya, all hunker                                      
In an underground bunker,                                   
And finish his work, they're so crass.                      
                                                            
69035 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tiddy Ogg                



There's Rumsfeld, for one I can mention,                    
Now breaking Geneva's convention,                           
Our prisoners right.                                        
Ossie's sure stirred the shite,                             
Far further than was his intention.                         
                                                            
69036 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tiddy Ogg                



There's Hindu and Muslim and Jew,                           
All trying each other to screw.                             
And what's Dubya's plan?                                    
Bomb Iraq or Iran,                                          
And maybe bomb North Korea too.                             
                                                            
69037 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tiddy Ogg                



"Osama," said Sam, "Is a demon.                             
If I had him, I'd make him drink semen                      
And Old Yeller there                                        
And me (we're a pair)                                       
Would run his ass right up a tree, man!"                    
                                                            
69038 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    John Miller              



Oh Joe, you're compounding your sins;                       
Watch out for Osama's great Djinns.                         
They'll stake out your house                                
Like a cat with a mouse,                                    
Then catch you and break both your shins!                   
                                                            
69039 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA                             



There now lives a big millionaire                           
Who sponsors terror in the air.                             
My question is: why                                         
Such an affluent guy                                        
Would stop feasting long enough to care.                    
                                                            
69040 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Phil T                   



There was a young Afghan, and Asian,                        
One of the Moslem persuasion,                               
And he said, "How come                                      
I am in Cuba's sun,                                         
When you guys did the invasion?"                            
                                                            
69041 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tony Burrell             



"You Yanks really do make me smile;                         
You say you'll put us on trial.                             
You made all the fuss.                                      
It was you that bombed us,                                  
And you missed bin Laden by a mile.                         
                                                            
69042 WARFARE - TERRORISM - OSAMA    Tony Burrell             



"I like men of the sea," said Miss Violet.                  
"They have fine points, the way I compile it.               
For example, the Mate                                       
Is a fucker first rate,                                     
And the Captain, he knows how to pile it."                  
                                                            
69043 WARFARE - WOMEN                Albin Chaplin   3024-3020



The Citadel's gender code glitches:                         
Rewards male cadet if he snitches.                          
Demote the top lassie,                                      
Who found his sauce sassy,                                  
And wipe off her shoes on his britches.                     
                                                            
69044 WARFARE - WOMEN                Prof M-G                 



There was a young lady named Leedy                          
Who disliked the army, indeedy.                             
She sampled the major                                       
But this man did enrage her,                                
And she said that his colonel was seedy.                    
                                                            
69045 WARFARE - WOMEN                Albin Chaplin   3024-2159



After WWII this caused some hoots;                          
Now it's lost on all but us old coots.                      
The insult was clear                                        
Only in yesteryear,                                         
"I see your mother wears combat boots."                     
                                                            
69046 WARFARE - WOMEN                Loren Fitzhugh      P0301



Regardless, if France is afraid                             
To join in the Baghdad parade,                              
I hereby declare                                            
That I will not dare                                        
Cease fucking my buxom French maid!                         
                                                            
69047 WARFARE - WOMEN                Travis Brasell           



The french sure know how to retreat,                        
As does Marie-Claudine tout suite.                          
She's happy to find                                         
Me standing behind,                                         
To give her a taste of my meat.                             
                                                            
69048 WARFARE - WOMEN                Tiddy Ogg                



A tough army instructor from Butte                          
Was informing a new girl recruit:                           
"At short-arm inspection,                                   
No blushing complexion --                                   
If it jumps up before you, salute!"                         
                                                            
69049 WARFARE - WOMEN                Armand E Singer       373



Each time that a grunt gropes a dame,                       
His chain of command get the blame,                         
With claims that it shows                                   
There're just not gung-hos                                  
In teaching respect towards a dame.                         
                                                            
69050 WARFARE - WOMEN                Anon                     



However, it's too much to hope                              
When generals by generals are groped,                       
That those who just blame                                   
Those high in the chain,                                    
Will focus on Slick Willie's gropes.                        
                                                            
69051 WARFARE - WOMEN                Anon                     



Those same folks had called it a reach,                     
When Congressmen said, "Let's impeach!"                     
Apparently they                                             
Must think it's okay,                                       
When gals are impaled by the Chief.                         
                                                            
69052 WARFARE - WOMEN                Anon                     



To GYNARCHY'S rule I would warm,                            
Since A-bombs would no longer swarm.                        
But in instance rare,                                       
If war's to declare,                                        
'Twould take a new hairpulling form.                        
                                                            
69053 WARFARE - WOMEN                Chris Papa               



The tale may be told at this distance                       
(Long suppressed, at her parents' insistence)               
Of a girl in the Maquis                                     
And a soldier in khaki --                                   
Who called her his "piece de resistance".                   
                                                            
69054 WARFARE - WOMEN                John E Mayhood           



WAC Major Mary Jones, drunk on beer,                        
Awoke next day and shed a tear.                             
Despite her boy friend's urgin',                            
She was technically a virgin                                
But she broke the army rule, "protect your rear"            
                                                            
69055 WARFARE - WOMEN                Parker Waterman     P0203



An American lady marine,                                    
As a patriot is very keen.                                  
She has pretty blue eyes,                                   
And lovely white thighs,                                    
And a curly red bush in between.                            
                                                            
69056 WARFARE - WOMEN                Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



"I am just," moaned a girl from Racine,                     
"A perpetual motion machine.                                
I can't help it.  I must.                                   
For I service the lust                                      
Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine."                        
                                                            
69057 WARFARE - WOMEN                Isaac Asimov             



She was asked by the sarge in the mess tent                 
Just what the tattoo on her ass meant.                      
"You'll see it," she smiled                                 
And it made him go wild,                                    
"When I sue you for sexual harassment!"                     
                                                            
69058 WARFARE - WOMEN                Michael Rohaly           



Just how personal should we all get,                        
In our asking this female war vet.                          
Tell us where she was shot,                                 
We've not heard of that spot,                               
If the bullet is still lodged in her, yet.                  
                                                            
69059 WARFARE - WOMEN                Bob Birch           P9811



She's no longer a young Irish lass.                         
In fact, she has had a bypass.                              
Her hair, it is true,                                       
Is really quite blue,                                       
But she hasn't quite run out of gas.                        
                                                            
69060 WOMEN - AGED                   Al Willis           P9605



Our love and our caring unite us.                           
And foreplay and sex still excite us.                       
She's my one Valentine                                      
And we get along fine,                                      
And we have, since she got laryngitis.                      
                                                            
69061 WOMEN - AGED                   Al Willis           P9603



My husband is talking 'bout glue;                           
A terrible fact, but it's true;                             
One day I'm a filly,                                        
So young and so silly.                                      
Next day my twat hairs have turned blue!                    
                                                            
69062 WOMEN - AGED                   Mark Levy           P9605



The older-type girls I suggest,                             
Like Debbie, are surely the best.                           
(Though should they strip off                               
In daytime for a boff,                                      
They'd look better if ironed and pressed.)                  
                                                            
69063 WOMEN - AGED                   Peter Wilkins            



We may have a few little wrinkles,                          
And hair with a few graying sprinkles;                      
A few aches and pains,                                      
Some cramps in our brains,                                  
But still get our fair share of winkles.                    
                                                            
69064 WOMEN - AGED                   Carol                    



Of course, my dear friend, it is true;                      
Experience more than the view                               
Is really what counts,                                      
In a clinch and a bounce;                                   
You've no need to be told what to do.                       
                                                            
69065 WOMEN - AGED                   Peter Wilkins            



A scout helped a lady go through                            
A busy street crossing in Kew.                              
She said, "Thank you, my dear.                              
I was shaking with fear."                                   
Said the Scout, "I was more scared than you."               
                                                            
69066 WOMEN - AGED                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2815



A gregarious lady antique                                   
Entertained an old man for a week.                          
But he talked more and more,                                
So she said, "You're a bore,"                               
So the man was both chastened and meek.                     
                                                            
69067 WOMEN - AGED                   Jim Weaver Collection    



To see something quite uncanny,                             
You should take a look at granny.                           
Sure she's eighty-four                                      
But on the dance floor,                                     
Still knows how to shake her fanny.                         
                                                            
69068 WOMEN - AGED                                            



After decades apart, I re-sought her.                       
'Twas late, at her home, when I caught her                  
Outside of L.A..                                            
She wanted to play,                                         
But my interest soon switched to her daughter.              
                                                            
69069 WOMEN - AGED                   John Miller              



Another old woman named Lisa,                               
Enjoyed good delivery pizza.                                
Then they knocked on her door,                              
A guy could be sure                                         
He'd be met by an older cock teaser.                        
                                                            
69070 WOMEN - AGED                   Richard Long             



When women get older they say,                              
They are much more easy to lay.                             
They put up less fight                                      
In the dead of the night,                                   
'Cause most times, they sleep the whole way.                
                                                            
69071 WOMEN - AGED                   Mr Malo                  



Aunt Fay on her birthday was peeved                         
By the number of us who believed                            
She was just ninety one --                                  
"You're unbearably dumb,"                                   
She exclaimed, "and so easily deceived!"                    
                                                            
69072 WOMEN - AGED                   Paul Hoffman             



From eighty feet your Darling nears.                        
At every step, more old appears.                            
(More old, you too)                                         
So what do you do?                                          
Walk backward and erase the years.                          
(walk forward and get laid, you dumb shit - McW)            
69073 WOMEN - AGED                   Irving Superior     P8405



An old fisherwoman called Meg                               
Had only one eye and one leg.                               
The big ones she'd catch                                    
In batch after batch,                                       
By hanging trot-lines from her peg.                         
                                                            
69074 WOMEN - AGED                   H WHELCHEL               



She fueled her cook-fires with old dross                    
And smoked all her catch with green moss.                   
She never would baste --                                    
She'd say quite straight-faced --                           
A trolling crone slathers no sauce.                         
                                                            
69075 WOMEN - AGED                   H WHELCHEL               



"As the curtains get shabbier and shabbier,                 
His Lordship gets crabbier and crabbier.                    
I must really admit                                         
I'm the reason for it,                                      
For my figure gets flabbier and flabbier!"                  
                                                            
69076 WOMEN - AGED                                       G0182



When 20, then ladies of 40                                  
Are certainly raunchy and naughty;                          
But if you're plus 50                                       
And not quite so nifty,                                     
Are girls of 100 more sporty?                               
                                                            
69077 WOMEN - AGED                                            



I doubt that at *that* age they're sporty                   
Enough for a spot of the naughty;                           
Though possibly gumming                                     
Can set one a-humming,                                      
I'll stick with the ladies of 40.                           
                                                            
69078 WOMEN - AGED                                            



It seems she has reached middle-age,                        
Past the time when free love was the rage.                  
Young studs one pays                                        
Are talented lays;                                          
"You get what you pay for." -- The Sage                     
                                                            
69079 WOMEN - AGED                   Annie Jay                



An elderly woman named Ruth                                 
Said, "I'm going to tell you the truth.                     
As a kisser and petter,                                     
I get steadily better,                                      
While advancing into my late youth.                         
                                                            
69080 WOMEN - AGED                   Isaac Asimov             



My neighbour next door is Miss Pringle                      
An ugly old spinster and single.                            
When horses catch sight                                     
Of her face, they take fright,                              
Although, darn it, she gives me a tingle.                   
                                                            
69081 WOMEN - AGED                                            



There was a young lady named Cholmondely,                   
Not only buxom, but comely.                                 
But as she got older,                                       
Her figure grew bolder,                                     
A fact she remarked upon glumly.                            
                                                            
69082 WOMEN - AGED                   Gerald Bosackeer (?)     



My grandma bakes cookies all day;                           
She does it without any pay,                                
While grandpa (the codger)                                  
Is screwing the lodger,                                     
Whose snatch is all bushy and gray.                         
                                                            
69083 WOMEN - AGED                                            



I have lost all of my sex appeal;                           
I must look the way that I feel:                            
A grumpy old crone                                          
They all leave alone.                                       
Like being with me's an ordeal!                             
                                                            
69084 WOMEN - AGED                   Marlene                  



A woman who reached ninety-nine,                            
Said she always felt perfectly fine;                        
Thanks to helpings of semen                                 
From rugged old he-men,                                     
Who were not too far gone in decline.                       
                                                            
69085 WOMEN - AGED                   Isaac Asimov             



My wife is no longer a miss.                                
While her hair is quite blue, I'll say this:                
In years now long gone,                                     
She was sleek as a fawn,                                    
And now I can just reminisce.                               
                                                            
69086 WOMEN - AGED                   Al Willis           P9605



Her lashes were blackened and bold,                         
Her bosom inflated, I'm told.                               
No guessing how old --                                      
She couldn't be told                                        
From the inflatable dolls that she sold.                    
                                                            
69087 WOMEN - AGED                   Lance Payne         P8705



Intent on increasing her charm,                             
A matron thought 'twould do no harm                         
To get totally bare,                                        
Seat herself in a chair                                     
And throw one leg up over each arm.                         
                                                            
69088 WOMEN - AGED                                            



Soon after, in hubby did come;                              
Threw a quick glance her way, and them mum-                 
bled, "Now dear, comb your hair.                            
Put your teeth in. Take care!                               
You're starting to look like your Mum."                     
                                                            
69089 WOMEN - AGED                                            



Doc said to my aging Aunt Katie,                            
"Don't worry, you'll live to be eighty."                    
"Don't give me no jive;                                     
I'm now eighty-five."                                       
"Well, what did I tell you, old lady?"                      
                                                            
69090 WOMEN - AGED                   Al Willis                



A wrinkled old woman named Ruth                             
Searched for the Fountain of Youth.                         
On finding the spring,                                      
She drank the whole thing,                                  
But still was too long in the tooth.                        
                                                            
69091 WOMEN - AGED                   Charmorr                 



"Mature" might mean fifty to me,                            
But if you hail from old Tennessee,                         
You can bet that your bed                                   
Each month will be red,                                     
'Cause "mature's" twenty-two, twenty-three.                 
                                                            
69092 WOMEN - AGED                   Faerie                   



A woman who's really "mature"                               
Won't redden the sheets, that's for sure.                   
Please come to your senses,                                 
She's finished with menses,                                 
Her lovemaking's really secure.                             
                                                            
69093 WOMEN - AGED                   Frank Fazed              



The odalisques stay in a harem                              
Where sheiks can desire and bare 'em.                       
And sometimes those cuties,                                 
When losing their beauties,                                 
See images mirrored that scare 'em.                         
(odalisque - female slave or concubine in a harem)          
69094 WOMEN - AGED                   Philo Logue         P8407



You life advice might work for men;                         
We women might try it, but then                             
We're missing the part                                      
You say to jump start.                                      
I guess we'll just get old somewhen.                        
                                                            
69095 WOMEN - AGED                                            



The next day when Grandma was sober,                        
She drooled about her neighbour's Dober-                    
man Pinscher but then                                       
the Lab test came in.                                       
(Her puppies are due in October.)                           
                                                            
69096 WOMEN - AGED                                            



A spinster named Lydia Leicester,                           
Claimed strange men had never addressed her.                
She said this with pride,                                   
Yet deep down inside,                                       
Her immunity must have depressed her.                       
                                                            
69097 WOMEN - AGED                                            



How often have old women cried,                             
"I wish I was still a young bride,                          
Still in my youth,                                          
Sipping vermouth,                                           
With the man I love close by my side."                      
                                                            
69098 WOMEN - AGED                   Arden                    



Grey hair!  No sex!  Fiddle de dee!                         
This generaation has a secret you see.                      
Miss Clairol it takes                                       
And in a few shakes,                                        
No grey hair to spoil ecstasy.                              
                                                            
69099 WOMEN - AGED                   Azul                     



A lonely old maid in Nesconsett                             
Is afraid she'll get laid in her Quonset.                   
She has nothing to fear,                                    
For of all the lads here,                                   
There's not one in Nesconsett that wonsett.                 
                                                            
69100 WOMEN - AGED                   Pierce Evans             



Cut the cake and let's all celebrate                        
The birth of a gal who's first-rate.                        
It seems just a while                                       
Since we walked down the aisle.                             
But, my God, she is now sixty-eight!                        
                                                            
69101 WOMEN - AGED                   Al Willis                



At the old-age home, Grandma McCoo                          
Said, "What's become of the men in this zoo?                
Used to be, two or three                                    
Interns satisfied me;                                       
Now it takes a good dozen or two."                          
                                                            
69102 WOMEN - AGED                   Michael Weinstein   P8509



Said a fellow whose first name was Mose,                    
"My girl friend's not young and it shows.                   
In fact, she's a mess;                                      
She was born I would guess                                  
In the year of 'The Lord Only Knows'."                      
                                                            
69103 WOMEN - AGED                   Michael F. Ellis    P8902



It is said, or so I have heard,                             
That a woman is like a dog turd.                            
The older they are,                                         
They're easier by far                                       
To pick up.  Now is that not absurd?                        
                                                            
69104 WOMEN - AGED                   Jeeves              T9710



There was a young fellow named Morty,                       
Who went on a girl-hunting sortie.                          
He tried nine and nineteen                                  
And all those in between,                                   
But he settled for those over forty.                        
                                                            
69105 WOMEN - AGED                   Albin Chaplin            



An old English woman in Kent                                
Had a yen for an old English gent.                          
But their romance was tame,                                 
For the game's not the same                                 
When the passion you need is all spent.                     
                                                            
69106 WOMEN - AGED                   Warrick Elrod            



Agnes was way over forty,                                   
But her body was still trim and sporty.                     
She worked out by day;                                      
At night she would play                                     
With a young man she knew just as Shorty.                   
                                                            
69107 WOMEN - AGED                   Richard Long             



There was an old lady of Rise,                              
Who always hoped for a surprise;                            
At the Great Exhibition,                                    
She fulfilled her ambition,                                 
When they gave her poke-bonnet a prize.                     
                                                            
69108 WOMEN - AGED                   Harold C Bibby           



The lady was pushing a pram;                                
From the rear she looked like a young mam.                  
When seen from the chest                                    
She was well past her best,                                 
She was mutton who's dressed up as lamb.                    
                                                            
69109 WOMEN - AGED                   Arthur Pattaffy          



He said to his friendly landlady,                           
"You're dark and mysterious, Sadie."                        
But he was a gent,                                          
What the guy really meant,                                  
"You're past is jet black, not just shady."                 
                                                            
69110 WOMEN - AGED                   Al Willis           P9505



Said a horrid old hag, "Look her, honey,                    
I know that I'm frowsy and funny;                           
But get me in bed                                           
With a sack on my head,                                     
And I'll give you a run for your money!"                    
                                                            
69111 WOMEN - AGED                   Grand Prix Lim  941 G1805



Let's look at the young Miss Dragon;                        
And see how her tail, it is waggin'.                        
How firm are her tits,                                      
But I hate to admit                                         
When she ages, they'll start in a-saggin'.                  
                                                            
69112 WOMEN - AGED                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A little old lady in lace                                   
Limped along at a very slow pace.                           
She impeded the speed                                       
Of a big brutal Swede,                                      
Who punched her right in the face.                          
                                                            
69113 WOMEN - AGED                   MarcoM              P8307



As Grandma sat pushing her rocker,                          
She uttered an astounding shocker.                          
Granddaughter fell dead                                     
When ol' Grandma said,                                      
"Now there is well hung young cocker."                      
                                                            
69114 WOMEN - AGED                                            



There was a young lady named Rideout                        
Who never a young man had tried out.                        
Much too long did she tarry,                                
And then when she did marry,                                
Her whole face was shrunken and dried out.                  
                                                            
69115 WOMEN - AGED                   Albin Chaplin            



The beaches at Clacton-on-Sea                               
On these warm summer days around three,                     
Become crowded with grannies                                
Exposing their crannies,                                    
And drinking their afternoon tea.                           
                                                            
69116 WOMEN - AGED                   Peter Wilkins            



And up in the sand dunes observing                          
Them, dozens of Percies are perving.                        
They're ancient and old                                     
And their pee they can't hold;                              
Lest you're 90, the sight is unnerving.                     
                                                            
69117 WOMEN - AGED                   Peter Wilkins            



I could teach you a thing or two,                           
To someone as young as you.                                 
I'm really quite bawdy,                                     
And flirty and naughty,                                     
And could take on the whole damn crew.                      
                                                            
69118 WOMEN - AGED                   Arden                    



Lamenting in the midst of the night,                        
About her birthday -- stricken by fright.                   
Grown up women I feel                                       
Have more sex appeal,                                       
They are ripe for the pluck -- what a sight!                
                                                            
69119 WOMEN - AGED                                            



There was an old dame of Toulouse,                          
Who had no reputation to lose.                              
When she revelled at night,                                 
Her friends thought her too tight,                          
And her enemies thought her too loose.                      
                                                            
69120 WOMEN - AGED                   A. M. Sayers             



My Fanny's she whom John Betj-                              
Manex, poet laureate did lech,                              
A long time ago;                                            
She's 90 or so,                                             
And the sight of her now makes one retch.                   
                                                            
69121 WOMEN - AGED                                            



I'd like a new bag, if you please,                          
In exchange for my old one, Louise,                         
Who's haggard and drawn                                     
And worn out (though I'll scorn                             
Any dodgy recycled old squeeze).                            
                                                            
69122 WOMEN - AGED                                            



Auntie Bertha and Freda, her friend,                        
Who is stricken with Alzheimer's and                        
Blind in both eyes,                                         
Move their wobbly thighs,                                   
Storming every Cafe in the land.                            
                                                            
69123 WOMEN - AGED                                            



"Paint is youth", Auntie always makes clear;                
Shocking pink lipstik brings this aim near.                 
Though she'd never admit                                    
Eyesight's failing a bit --                                 
Her arts turn out a flamboyant smear!                       
                                                            
69124 WOMEN - AGED                                            



Auntie Bertha does have this strange whim:                  
She is trying to look rather trim!                          
Wearing pants of elastic                                    
That bulge quite fantastic                                  
'Bout her hips, looking all else but slim.                  
                                                            
69125 WOMEN - AGED                                            



As the visit turns out a bit boring,                        
Aunt gets nasty; I'm busy ignoring                          
Shells of poisonous gas                                     
That drop out of her ass,                                   
Fortified by her most vicious snoring.                      
                                                            
69126 WOMEN - AGED                                            



There's a girl in Milan, Tennessee,                         
Who will lay any jocko for free,                            
Like Trelawney, or Pete,                                    
Or that guy down the street,                                
Or with anyone (dammit!) but me.                            
                                                            
69127 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Keith MacMillan     A111B



While it's fun and games feeling a frail,                   
That's just the mere start of our tale.                     
Shun commercial allure...                                   
Pick a hot amateur,                                         
For they beat babes who have it for sale.                   
                                                            
69128 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Grand Prix Lim  769      



The farmer's young daughter had calves;                     
She'd rub them with rose scented salves.                    
Through all kinds of weather                                
Her calves stayed together;                                 
At night, though, she spread them in halves.                
                                                            
69129 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



The farm hand, young Henry McDuffen,                        
Would dream every night of his stuffin'                     
Eight inches between                                        
Those fine calves that he'd seen,                           
But the daughter knew nuffin' from nuffin'.                 
                                                            
69130 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Her daddy, the farmer, knew better.                         
He'd caught Henry humping her sweater,                      
That he'd stole off the line                                
As it dried in sunshine,                                    
While he'd wished it was something far wetter....           
                                                            
69131 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



The daughter knew Henry was hurt;                           
Her father had dumped him like dirt.                        
To make him feel better                                     
When he lost her sweater,                                   
She gave young McDuffen her shirt.                          
                                                            
69132 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



"But what will you do now for cover?"                       
He asked her, his fantasy lover.                            
"These two on my chest                                      
Should be cupped.  Won't you just                           
Use your two hands?  No, don't hover.."                     
                                                            
69133 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



But Henry had never touched touched breasts.                
Udders?  Sure, and warm eggs in nests...                    
But never real women.                                       
His head was just swimmin'                                  
When he stammered, "I'll get you some vests!"               
                                                            
69134 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



A popular girl is Miss Cholmondeley,                        
She's youthful, attractive, and comely,                     
And never objects                                           
To suggestions of sex,                                      
But simply cooperates dumbly.                               
                                                            
69135 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A gal with real mammary glamour                             
Caused an unhappy fellow to stammer,                        
"Though I'm hot for her tail                                
And would pay without fail,                                 
She ups and says NO, da-da-damn her!"                       
                                                            
69136 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Grand Prix Lim  354      



The last cunt I had that was tight,                         
Was on that memorable night                                 
That I left Junior High,                                    
And I'd say with a sigh,                                    
That was one girl who did it just right.                    
                                                            
69137 WOMEN - AMATEURS               John Miller              



Said Lenny to Penny and Jenny,                              
"Why is it you won't give me any?"                          
Said Jenny and Penny,                                       
"We're doing too many,                                      
Like Denny and Kenny and Benny."                            
                                                            
69138 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Tiddy Ogg                



A pious young lass named Veronica                           
Would play horas on the harmonica;                          
But spell "hora" right                                      
Or you'll be in a fight,                                    
For her screwing is free during Channukah.                  
                                                            
69139 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Isaac Asimov             



Said an amateur hooker of Broadway,                         
"Though I'm happy to make it the mod way,                   
I would like to begin                                       
An original sin --                                          
Or at least to invent a new odd way."                       
                                                            
69140 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Keith MacMillan     A085B



When a virile man drops in to call,                         
He ends up in bed with Mae Hall...                          
As we heard the gal tell it,                                
She knows she could sell it,                                
But what's fifty bucks after all?                           
                                                            
69141 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Grand Prix Lim   57      



A girl with a lisp came from Drax,                          
And said, "Thwains theduce me with thnackth.                
Jutht a Thinickerth or Marth,                               
Or any thweet thugar barth,                                 
Mean I thwifly thed thweater and thlackth."                 
                                                            
69142 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young lady from Whence,                         
Whose morals gave some folks offence.                       
They were heard to exclaim,                                 
"Oh, fie on you; shame!                                     
We're incensed, so from Whence, get thee hence."            
                                                            
69143 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Michael Gartner     P8605



Said a sweet young Tolousian floozie,                       
"With men I just ain't been too choosy;                     
When I dock with a cock,                                    
Then I rock till I drop,                                    
And I come out all woozy and juicy".                        
                                                            
69144 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



There's a waitress in Jackpot, Nevada,                      
Who once dated Eric Estrada.                                
She isn't a stripper,                                       
But boy, if you tip her,                                    
She'll give you the whole enchilada!                        
                                                            
69145 WOMEN - AMATEURS               John E Mayhood      P9805



A girl, Stephanie, known just as Steve,                     
Not yet seventeen but naive.                                
She'd go out with a boy,                                    
She'd simper, and be coy;                                   
She was wearing her heart on her sleeve.                    
                                                            
69146 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady named Red,                           
Who was plain as could be, so they said.                    
But her boyfriends were plenty,                             
From age sixteen to twenty,                                 
For she sure was a hot one in bed.                          
                                                            
69147 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Al Chaplin          P0303



And then there was the girl from Anton                      
Who all the guys would rant-on;                             
She spreads her legs                                        
If a man begs;                                              
Afterwards, she would put her pants-on.                     
                                                            
69148 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



My Japanese lover in bed                                    
Tried to teach me her culture.  Instead                     
All I wanted to do                                          
Was to have a good screw.                                   
"Can we try origami", I said.                               
                                                            
69149 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Peter Wilkins            



She gave me a withering look;                               
"Are you stupid?" she shouted, and took                     
Out my stiffie to fold                                      
It in double.  I told                                       
Her, "I take it you don't want a fook?"                     
                                                            
69150 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Peter Wilkins            



There was a young woman named Maud                          
Who found herself now and then floored --                   
Or bedded, or chaired,                                      
Or top of the staired --                                    
Oh well, it's the life of a bawd.                           
                                                            
69151 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Isaac Asimov             



Remember, when you're feeling randy,                        
A bit of cash might come in handy.                          
Many others have learned                                    
That cash isn't spurned;                                    
It works better than flowers or candy!                      
                                                            
69152 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



A voluptuous maid of St. Jacques                            
Was betopped with a generous stack;                         
And her front clearly meant                                 
That she sportingly spent                                   
A good time of her life on her back.                        
                                                            
69153 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Hugh Oliver           41a



An Olympian lass of Gaspe                                   
Was acknowledged a sumptuous lay.                           
And with never a fee;                                       
"Be divested," said she,                                    
"Of my amateur status -- no way!"                           
                                                            
69154 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Keith MacMillan       35b



A popular lady was Marge;                                   
Her number of suitors was large.                            
One young caller polite                                     
Said, "Are you free tonight?"                               
She said, "Darling, you know I don't charge."               
                                                            
69155 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Albin Chaplin   3024-0259



I once met a woman named Fricker,                           
Who wore not a thing 'neath her knicker.                    
And ne'er a brassiere                                       
Was she ever near,                                          
So 'twas easy and quicker to dick her!                      
                                                            
69156 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Mike M             TP9804



There once was a girl named Churl,                          
On my cock she would sometimes twirl.                       
I've spread open her oyster                                 
And entered her cloister,                                   
But I still haven't found me a pearl.                       
                                                            
69157 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Jim Weaver Collection    



And what about chicks that just lay                         
There, as you try to engage them in play                    
With you on the sofa.                                       
They're just like a loaf-a                                  
Bread, left on the shelf for a day.                         
                                                            
69158 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Cubby                    



I'm proud to announce that this male                        
Would never eat bread that is stale.                        
The chicks I admire                                         
Are those who perspire                                      
When ridden real hard 'gainst the rail.                     
                                                            
69159 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Cubby                    



I think of the night I was wed                              
And damn nearly wrecked a brass bed.                        
I gave it my all;                                           
Pushed her through the wall...                              
Made damp by the sweat that we shed.                        
                                                            
69160 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Cubby                    



A gal must be sweating in beads                             
For me to attend to her needs.                              
But lately, I've found                                      
The harder I pound,                                         
They no longer sweat but they bleeds.                       
                                                            
69161 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Cubby                    



A girl from the best of society                             
Wasn't noted at all for sobriety.                           
Her sexual bent                                             
She'd suspend part of Lent --                               
And that's the extent of her piety.                         
                                                            
69162 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Isaac Asimov             



Miss Molly's a young lass of fashion,                       
Much known for her wit and her passion.                     
To her Captain she said                                     
As she straddled his head,                                  
"Here's one thing you bastards can't ration!"               
                                                            
69163 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Garold Amadon            



Something else I think you might ponda',                    
I work with a girl I'm quite fonda'.                        
If she would only do                                        
What her gyne says to,                                      
I'd call her my slave and not Rhonda.                       
                                                            
69164 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Oddo Von Schlong    T9801



A lady realtor of Kent                                      
Was bearing a house sign, "For Rent."                       
A handsome young joker                                      
Attempted to poke her --                                    
Quite pleasant, but not what she meant.                     
                                                            
69165 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Hugh Oliver         A120B



On the road when I'm harried and frayed,                    
I've found one motel makes the grade.                       
Their Jacuzzi's nice,                                       
But better with spice,                                      
So they throw in a nude chamber maid.                       
                                                            
69166 WOMEN - AMATEURS               TuttaGioia               



You may think I'm really quite crass                        
But I'm saving my piece of ass                              
For a gray haired old fart                                  
With millions for a start;                                  
Till I find him, I'm raisin' my glass.                      
                                                            
69167 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Lord Peter of Buckingham here;                              
I have hundreds of millions, my dear;                       
And my parts are still workin'                              
Enough for a firkin',                                       
So give me your cute little rear.                           
                                                            
69168 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Get on your knees, if you please                            
And I'll come up behind you and squeeze.                    
My dick in your muff;                                       
Today I'll play rough,                                      
'Cause I'm horny, so please do not tease.                   
                                                            
69169 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



I need you to take my whole rod                             
Deep up inside of your bod.                                 
So that my big choad                                        
Can explode his load                                        
And I can scream out, "Oh, my god!"                         
                                                            
69170 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Then take that tongue of yours and lick                     
Every inch of my throbbing dick,                            
And feel how the veins                                      
In his long neck strain                                     
As he comes in large bursts, so quick.                      
                                                            
69171 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Oh, baby, give me what I need                               
And I promise your hungers to feed.                         
I'm ready to play                                           
Your sweet organ today,                                     
And my tongue is dripping with greed.                       
                                                            
69172 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



It lusts for your honey suckle;                             
Grab your belt, unhitch the buckle.                         
Unbutton your pants                                         
And get ready to dance,                                     
As I give you a nice long tongue fuckle.                    
                                                            
69173 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Trust a female to be so contrary,                           
Dominatrix to the Virgin Mary!                              
On a chaste mission,                                        
So our 1st position                                         
I think ought to be missionary.                             
                                                            
69174 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



We'll ride devoid of perverse horror,                       
Away from Sodom and Gomorrah.                               
But expect no slushy                                        
Sweet drippingly mushy                                      
Lame jokeless lims from me, Begorrah!                       
                                                            
69175 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Now I know how you'd come to your kinks;                    
It's those Rome-Irish-Catholic links:                       
The more rigid the rules,                                   
The more eager one drools,                                  
And the better the worse that stuff stinks.                 
                                                            
69176 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



But a saint I'd detest! If you start                        
Oozing out stuff for, say, alt-dot-art,                     
I'll be gone in a jiffy;                                    
I do like a good stiffie;                                   
And a chew and a thumb in some part.                        
                                                            
69177 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



Oh please don't vibrato alone;                              
Let me watch as you whimper and moan.                       
Better still, let me do you                                 
And thoroughly screw you,                                   
And fill you with muscle and bone.                          
                                                            
69178 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                        



A pretty gymnast from The Lakes,                            
Did contortions that gave men the shakes.                   
She had a great yen                                         
To do it again,                                             
But only with physical rakes.                               
                                                            
69179 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Jim Weaver Collection    



The servant was serving his tea,                            
The butler was spreading the brie,                          
And the sexy French maid                                    
Was in the bed, getting laid,                               
By their master, who shouted, "Oui, Oui!"                   
                                                            
69180 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Cap'n Bean          P9912



An innocent maiden named Dove                               
With young Mr. Push fell in love.                           
But encountered much trouble                                
With a sore bursted bubble,                                 
When said Mr. Push, came to shove.                          
                                                            
69181 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Armand E Singer       23A



To his unwilling girl friend, Miss Dove,                    
Came the rich Mr. Push, bringing love;                      
Said her shrewd mother, "Honey,                             
Simply think of the money;                                  
Just give in when Push comes to shove!"                     
                                                            
69182 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Armand E Singer        23



Said a sweet young coed from Purdue,                        
"I shouldn't have sex, sir, with you.                       
You are in a warm niche                                     
That's reserved for the rich,                               
So please put it back when you're through."                 
                                                            
69183 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Isaac Asimov             



There was a young girl of renown,                           
Who'd been had by most men in the town.                     
Her morals were loose,                                      
As the bowels of a goose,                                   
And her eyes were a sad rectum-brown.                       
                                                            
69184 WOMEN - AMATEURS                                   G0171



There's a maid in a hotel in Wheeling,                      
Whose service can be quite appealing.                       
If you give her good tips,                                  
She'll sit on your hips,                                    
And simultaneously dust off the ceiling.                    
                                                            
69185 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Ed Bick                  



I've heard all you gals talking sexy,                       
From studs to Oedipus Rexy.                                 
Do you really perform,                                      
Or just follow the norm                                     
Of just teasing us to apoplexy.                             
                                                            
69186 WOMEN - AMATEURS               S C Saint                



With men she is quite the go-getter;                        
The less I know, sometimes the better.                      
But often she shares                                        
Details of affairs;                                         
I stiffen while she gets much wetter.                       
                                                            
69187 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Jim Weaver Collection    



I once knew a girl from Redding,                            
Who had to use rubber for bedding.                          
She get so much action,                                     
(Minor legal infraction)                                    
She needs something that will not be shredding.             
                                                            
69188 WOMEN - AMATEURS               MrMalo                   



There once was a woman from France,                         
Could be had for a song and a dance.                        
Those with no beat                                          
And two left feet,                                          
Parlez-voused her out of her pants.                         
                                                            
69189 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Prsnut                   



There once was a cute chambermaid;                          
We met at a penny arcade.                                   
Ten men undertook                                           
A crack at her nook.                                        
I would say she was quite overlaid.                         
                                                            
69190 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Jim Weaver Collection    



A young man from a lofty sierra                             
Found sex both a puzzle and terror.                         
But he met with a lass                                      
In a similar pass;                                          
They both learned -- by trial and by error.                 
                                                            
69191 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Isaac Asimov             



An oversexed bunny named Blanding                           
For payoff is most undemanding.                             
She says, "I well know                                      
Sex is used to make dough,                                  
But I'd lose all my amateur standing."                      
                                                            
69192 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Grand Prix Lim  261      



"I would love," said the lady of Oregon,                    
"To revert to professional whoregon,                        
Were it not that my spouse                                  
Would disown me, the louse;                                 
A conclusion I take to be foregone."                        
                                                            
69193 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Keith MacMillan     A099A



Said a sweet young Toulousian floozie,                      
"With men, I ain't choosy.  Do you see?                     
When I dock with a cock,                                    
Then I rock till I drop,                                    
And come out all woozie and juicy."                         
                                                            
69194 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Dohpaz                   



Floozie flooded the streets of Toulouse                     
With the juice of her snatch and caboose.                   
A river of cream                                            
Smelling strongly of bream,                                 
Slimed the gendarmes with lecherous mousse!                 
                                                            
69195 WOMEN - AMATEURS               Randog                   



Is that thrill enough for you, dear?                        
We do aim to please men in here.                            
We aim at their butts                                       
Or maybe their nuts,                                        
Or sometimes we tackle their gear.                          
                                                            
69196 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



I once knew a girl named Elaine,                            
When we met, she did naught but complain.                   
I'm too hot; I'm too cold;                                  
He's too young; you're too old;                             
I don't like going out in the rain.                         
                                                            
69197 WOMEN - BITCHES                Arthur Pattaffy          



Says Kristel to Rudi, "You                                  
May browse wherever you do,                                 
You may get an appetite                                     
When you're out every night,                                
But always you're eating Chez Nous!"                        
                                                            
69198 WOMEN - BITCHES                Tim Main                 



A pretty young lady named Joy,                              
Was a favorite with all of the boys.                        
Also known as Hell Bitch,                                   
I could not tell you which                                  
Boy she must have annoyed.                                  
                                                            
69199 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



I'm such a liar! This you will see                          
As finally the truth comes from me --                       
John, I still love you,                                     
No one's above you,                                         
And forgiving is how you must be.                           
                                                            
69200 WOMEN - BITCHES                Jim Weaver Collection    



When a shrew sued her mate (who was rich)                   
For lambasting her dog with a switch,                       
The Judge of the court,                                     
So the papers report,                                       
Asked her, "Which of you two is the bitch?"                 
                                                            
69201 WOMEN - BITCHES                Laurence Perrine    P8503



Hear the tale of my loves unrequited                        
And then that which led to troth plighted.                  
It's not easy to tell                                       
Which led to more hell,                                     
In a life which by both has been blighted.                  
                                                            
69202 WOMEN - BITCHES                Laurence Perrine    P9307



There once was a girl who played drums,                     
Who flirted with Canadians.                                 
Things would get risky                                      
If they got too frisky,                                     
For then she would break all their thumbs.                  
                                                            
69203 WOMEN - BITCHES                Carson                   



Connoiseuer, if allowed, of fine tail,                      
I ogle, when able, young quail.                             
But my wife is no fool;                                     
She enforces one rule:                                      
You can look all you like, BUT NO BRAILLE!"                 
                                                            
69204 WOMEN - BITCHES                John Miller 0018         



Oh, it's nice to be awfully rich,                           
And to pander each feminine itch.                           
It's well worth being called                                
By the men you've enthralled,                               
"That scheming, unfaithful, cold bitch!"                    
                                                            
69205 WOMEN - BITCHES                                    G1860



If you go in the kitchen with Delia,                        
Beware, for she's certain to feel ya.                       
She'll fondle your rump,                                    
Then carve off a lump.                                      
The ointment takes ages to heal ya.                         
                                                            
69206 WOMEN - BITCHES                Bill Wall                



If I were his long-suffering wife,                          
I'd cut off his balls with a knife.                         
There'd be cause to rejoice                                 
At the sound of his voice,                                  
When he hit the high notes of his life.                     
                                                            
69207 WOMEN - BITCHES                Ann Smith                



Dear Robin, come home -- all's forgiven.                    
As for me, I'm repentant and shriven.                       
I'd wear ash and sack cloth                                 
To undo what's been wroth                                   
For without you, life ain't worth livin'.                   
(Editor Deex to Robin K. Willoughby who's pissed somehow)   
69208 WOMEN - BITCHES                Arthur Deex         P8802



A violent old girl of Tobago                                
Was known as a vicious virago;                              
When they said to her, "Why?"                               
She screamed in reply,                                      
"It's through this here plaguey lumbago!"                   
                                                            
69209 WOMEN - BITCHES                Langford Reed     (Bibby)



She will stroll on the sidewalks of Rochester               
And whisper to men, "Buenos noches, sir."                   
As they pivot about                                         
With their tongues hanging out,                             
She will laugh as she watches their crotches stir.          
                                                            
69210 WOMEN - BITCHES                Hugh Oliver         A088A



He was drownin' his sorrows in beer,                        
'Cause he'd been dumped by his girlfriend named Leah.       
She'd called him a nut;                                     
He called her a slut,                                       
And stuffed his pecker in her ear.                          
                                                            
69211 WOMEN - BITCHES                Anon                     



A woman I greatly admire,                                   
Whose children I wanted to sire,                            
She phoned yesterday                                        
Saying she's gone away,                                     
With a chap whose been lighting her fire.                   
                                                            
69212 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



A bastard I'm not, but a bitch;                             
The title I've held and of which                            
I am very proud.                                            
And in any crowd,                                           
I know where I'll find my small niche.                      
                                                            
69213 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



A henpecked old man of Lucerne,                             
No peace in his life could discern.                         
When his bitchy wife died,                                  
He cremated her hide,                                       
But he still heard her shouts from the urn.                 
                                                            
69214 WOMEN - BITCHES                Albin Chaplin   3024-2895



There once was a girl from Bologna,                         
If you fucked her, she thought she'd own ya'.               
But most men would say,                                     
"Hey, thanks for the lay.                                   
So long Bitch!  Nice to have known ya'."                    
                                                            
69215 WOMEN - BITCHES                MrMalo                   



A girl who just couldn't be cuter                           
Loved her cowboy and his six shooter.                       
But one day she dumped him                                  
For a plumber named Jim                                     
When he did her with his Roto-Rooter!                       
                                                            
69216 WOMEN - BITCHES                Writerman           T9710



A stern warning, since you're new on the scene:             
Keep your hands off our broads; they are mean.              
They are part of our treasure;                              
Ignoring this measure                                       
Will be tough like you never have seen.                     
                                                            
69217 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



My least favorite occurrance in spring                      
Is my pendulum-type of mood swing.                          
My hormones are raging!                                     
Will this end with aging?                                   
Don't tell me it's just a "girl thing."                     
                                                            
69218 WOMEN - BITCHES                Randy K                  



The promises sworn to when wooing                           
(Unwittingly billing and cooing)                            
Can come back to haunt you                                  
(Relentlessly taunt you)                                    
When answered by words like, "I'm suing!"                   
                                                            
69219 WOMEN - BITCHES                R. J. Winkler       P8405



There was an old maid named Mehitabel                       
With an attitude so inhospitable,                           
That the men who would woo her                              
Grew fewer and fewer --                                     
For marriage they found her unfittable.                     
                                                            
69220 WOMEN - BITCHES                Michael F Ellis          



Jim had a few screws loose,                                 
So he made a dead-end excuse.                               
To get back in my favor,                                    
My resolve doesn't waver;                                   
I'd still like to kick his caboose.                         
                                                            
69221 WOMEN - BITCHES                Jim Weaver Collection    



A burglar named Willy O'Bangeller                           
Said, "Cash, or your wife!  Man, I'll mangle her,           
And rape her!  Quick! -- Which?"                            
I said, "Rape the bitch,                                    
And I'll suck off your prick if you strangle her."          
                                                            
69222 WOMEN - BITCHES                Clement Wood        GO746



Poor Sweetie's been left all alone;                         
His lady ditched him on the phone.                          
That just means he's free                                   
For someone like me,                                        
Just waiting for seeds to be sown.                          
                                                            
69223 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



Oh Erm, how I love you! Please note:                        
I'll buy you a brand new fur coat,                          
Because you're so gentle                                    
And untempermental...                                       
Now please, dear, let go of my throat.                      
                                                            
69224 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



In my time I've washed and I dried,                         
And other things helpful I've tried                         
To help bedroom lust.                                       
That really went bust;                                      
I found that the other half lied.                           
                                                            
69225 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



Look at her and you'd want to screw,                        
Until your cock was black and blue.                         
But that wouldn't be smart,                                 
Her box smells like a fart,                                 
And she has temperment of a shrew!                          
                                                            
69226 WOMEN - BITCHES                Irving Schlobotkovitz    



When she wants me I'd better be there,                      
To kiss and to stroke her fair hair.                        
'Cause if I am not.                                         
She can be a real snot,                                     
And run off to that prick in Au Claire!                     
                                                            
69227 WOMEN - BITCHES                Jim Weaver Collection    



As ugly as you ever saw;                                    
An odor that sticks in your craw.                           
Short, fat and dumpy,                                       
All hairy and lumpy --                                      
(I still love my mother-in-law.)                            
                                                            
69228 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



Oh, why is my love unrequited?                              
And why are my hopes blighted?                              
I'd guide well a wife                                       
For the rest of her life,                                   
But by her, all my virtues are slighted.                    
                                                            
69229 WOMEN - BITCHES                Laurence Perrine    P9307



A dancer seduced Andalusia.                                 
Hard or flaccid, she wouldn't refuse ya.                    
With a clickity-clack,                                      
She'd snap at your sack,                                    
And stomp on your bone to abuse ya.                         
                                                            
69230 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



The thing about women, behold,                              
Don't ever mention they are old.                            
Don't nag about weight,                                     
Don't say "masturbate",                                     
'Cause they instantly turn over cold.                       
                                                            
69231 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



There's a lovely young lady in Ealing,                      
Who is very pretty and appealing.                           
But lovers beware                                           
Of this lady fair;                                          
She's devoid of all passion and feeling.                    
                                                            
69232 WOMEN - BITCHES                Bob                      



You ask if we want a huge cock?                             
I hope this does not cause you shock,                       
But we don't need two,                                      
For we've already you,                                      
And we don't even want you, dumb schlock!                   
                                                            
69233 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



Cheri, a fatherly word:                                     
Your rudeness to men is absurd.                             
You laugh at our dicks,                                     
No chances of licks,                                        
Little girls should be obscene and not heard.               
                                                            
69234 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



Don't mess with the girls of the Congo;                     
They know what is right and what's wrong-o!                 
They may use a knife                                        
On the pride of your life,                                  
And use it to beat on their bongo.                          
                                                            
69235 WOMEN - BITCHES                John E Maywood           



There was a young lady called Chrissie,                     
Who was known as a kissable missie.                         
A young man dressed so neatly                               
Was demolished completely,                                  
When she stared, and she mouthed, "You're a sissy!"         
                                                            
69236 WOMEN - BITCHES                Arthur Pattaffy          



So your mother-in-law is a giver --                         
Gives you grief that flows like a river!                    
Does she dissect your life                                  
In front of your wife?                                      
Don't sweat it -- just smile and outlive her.               
                                                            
69237 WOMEN - BITCHES                Robbi                    



From Queensbury there came a Garret,                        
Who remarkably looked like a ferret.                        
He only got laid                                            
When his girlfriend got paid.                               
It was an ugly scene, I swear it!                           
                                                            
69238 WOMEN - BITCHES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Lipstick is a wonderful invention                           
For women to attract our attention.                         
Helps distinguish them more                                 
From the pitbull next door,                                 
When they get that pre-menstrual tension.                   
                                                            
69239 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



I've had a bad day, I confess.                              
I've been overcome with such stress!                        
If you only knew                                            
Quite what I've been through,                               
I'm sure that you'd have PMS.                               
(PMS - pre-menstrual syndrome)                              
69240 WOMEN - BITCHES                Star               TP9806



There was an old lady named Blake                           
Who never her man did forsake.                              
Through foul weather and fair                               
He was free from despair,                                   
For she pointed out every mistake.                          
                                                            
69241 WOMEN - BITCHES                Albin Chaplin   3024-2451



Musicians received from a page                              
A note by the court's wise old sage:                        
Try not to be seen,                                         
For we fear that our queen                                  
Is suffering pre-minstrel rage.                             
                                                            
69242 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



There once was a nubile young whore                         
Who laid every soldier she saw.                             
But she thought it obscene                                  
To bed down a Marine:                                       
She was rotten -- rotten to the Corps!                      
                                                            
69243 WOMEN - BITCHES                Clifford M. Christ  G1886



A lady marine in the war                                    
Was an over-achiever they swore.                            
The brass she screwed heavily                               
From taps until reveille,                                   
But was rotten, they say, to the corps.                     
                                                            
69244 WOMEN - BITCHES                Bob Giandomenico    P8901



Please, now don't you be blue;                              
I behaved badly, but you were true.                         
I slept with another                                        
And he was your brother.                                    
The fault goes to me, not to you.                           
                                                            
69245 WOMEN - BITCHES                Gaila Rae          TP9807



I seduced my boss on a ruse;                                
He was rich; I had nothing to lose.                         
So now it's bye bye --                                      
Just one great big lie,                                     
And I'm off on a Caribbean cruise!                          
                                                            
69246 WOMEN - BITCHES                Michelle                 



Some advice: If you're going to pitch                       
Your hat in the ring of this bitch,                         
You need better luck;                                       
If you're going to fuck                                     
Around with a self-proclaimed witch.                        
                                                            
69247 WOMEN - BITCHES                Karen                    



There was a young woman in Mass,                            
Who was sometimes a pain in the ass.                        
But she ceased to bitch,                                    
When she started to stitch,                                 
But I knew that phase would pass.                           
                                                            
69248 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



I'm reading and thinking "How quaint",                      
When she passes herself off as a saint.                     
She doesn't fool me;                                        
No miracle she.                                             
Re: Cannonization? She ain't.                               
                                                            
69249 WOMEN - BITCHES                Frank Fazed              



A lassie that laddies called Regan                          
Was a tree hugging, card holding Vegan.                     
She would never massage                                     
A bursting sausage --                                       
But she'd shoot at herself with my Pea Gun!                 
                                                            
69250 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



There was an old lady named Fry,                            
Whose man was just dirt in her eye.                         
So his motto, he said,                                      
While his wife slept in bed,                                
Was to simply let sleeping dogs lie.                        
                                                            
69251 WOMEN - BITCHES                Albin Chaplin   3024-2584



Natasha the teenage slapper                                 
Thought she had gone out looking dapper.                    
But she got quite pissed off                                
When her friends they all scoffed,                          
'Cause the tracksuit she wore wasn't Kappa.                 
                                                            
69252 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



A termagant woman named Dionne,                             
On her husband, always would pee on.                        
She was rich as could be,                                   
So he took it.  You see,                                    
He would rather be peed on than peon.                       
(termagant - spitefull, shrewish woman)                     
69253 WOMEN - BITCHES                Sam Shaffe          P8801



My life has been far from a gem!                            
The answer in French is spelled 'femme'.                    
I found women OK                                            
But I must say that they                                    
Fucked me more that I ever fucked them.                     
                                                            
69254 WOMEN - BITCHES                Writerman                



A pussy-whipped love slave named Pettit,                    
Whose sex itch took little to whet it,                      
Was made to wash dishes,                                    
Obey his wife's wishes,                                     
And wear see-through dresses to get it.                     
                                                            
69255 WOMEN - BITCHES                Armand E Singer       705



You loved me, then left me alone                            
To rot here, to moan, and to groan.                         
Well, I'm not one to judge,                                 
And I don't hold a grudge,                                  
But please throw your mother a bone!                        
                                                            
69256 WOMEN - BITCHES                Richard Lederer     P9603



I guess I'll make this short and sweet,                     
Since the lady in question beat feet.                       
It's now moot, so quit bitchin'                             
And get out of the kitchen,                                 
If you find you just can't take the heat.                   
                                                            
69257 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



Said a fisherman fishing in Michigan:                       
"Here comes that sweet little bitch again!"                 
So he hoisted her anchor,                                   
And spanked her and thanked her,                            
And went back too exhausted to fish again.                  
                                                            
69258 WOMEN - BITCHES                                    G0697



Though huntin' and shootin' appals,                         
The trophies hung up on the walls                           
In the bedroom are lovers                                   
Of Lady Carruthers,                                         
Suspended from hooks by their balls.                        
                                                            
69259 WOMEN - BITCHES                Peter Wilkins            



Now life with our Kate's a real drag                        
'Cause she's an incredible nag.                             
She yells and she screams                                   
And breaks our daydreams                                    
What's worse, she's an ugly old bag!                        
                                                            
69260 WOMEN - BITCHES                Archie                   



Women!  You can't live without                              
Them; of that there's no question or doubt.                 
('Cept the mother-in-law                                    
For there's nothing so sure;                                
She's a wicked and ugly old trout.)                         
                                                            
69261 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



I call her Incredible Hulk,                                 
Because of her beddable bulk.                               
Such praise on her's lost,                                  
I found to my cost.                                         
She's in an unendable sulk.                                 
                                                            
69262 WOMEN - BITCHES                Tiddy Ogg                



There once was a girl who was uppity                        
And treated her gentlemen, puppety.                         
Though her sugar was fine                                   
And her crumpets divine,                                    
Such behavior's not everyone's cuppity.                     
                                                            
69263 WOMEN - BITCHES                Hugh Clary               



There's a dashing young fellow named Dave.                  
All the girls think that he is a rave.                      
But to his chagrin,                                         
When he finally gave in,                                    
They just wanted a sexual slave.                            
                                                            
69264 WOMEN - BITCHES                Jim Weaver Collection    



Here's a question designed to perplex                       
Which I put to my wife about sex:                           
I asked "Do you enjoy?"                                     
She said, "It's wonderful, Roy!"                            
The puzzle: Who's Roy, I am Rex!                            
                                                            
69265 WOMEN - BITCHES                H Myers             T9801



This lim was about a love past;                             
We parted our ways none too fast.                           
Her nagging for shagging                                    
Left my bagging sagging;                                    
That shag hag near wore out my mast.                        
                                                            
69266 WOMEN - BITCHES                                         



An uncertain young lady of Fresno,                          
Who to most propositioners says no.                         
To a few of the guys                                        
I am told, she replies                                      
With an eager, ambiguous "Yesno!"                           
                                                            
69267 WOMEN - BITCHES                Keith MacMillan     A019D



Men, as I grow older, more lecherous!                       
I find that all women are treacherous!                      
Just to get in that hole,                                   
You surrender control --                                    
(Of your life and your money?) You betcher ass!             
                                                            
69268 WOMEN - BITCHES                Writerman                



There once was a guy called Nick,                           
Who had a forty foot dick!                                  
The lady next door,                                         
Who sure was a whore,                                       
Decided to be a slack prick!                                
                                                            
69269 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



She pretended that it was a snake;                          
She cut it's head off with a rake!                          
The man yelled in pain                                      
"You bitch, you're insane!"                                 
And that was all he could take.                             
                                                            
69270 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



He pulled out his old forty four                            
And aimed it right at the whore.                            
There came a boom,                                          
Then she fell to her doom.                                  
That bitchy lady sure was no more!                          
                                                            
69271 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



He was jailed by the police.                                
No one came to his release.                                 
He knocked himself out,                                     
Like a high jumping trout,                                  
But the cops thought he slipped on some grease.             
                                                            
69272 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



Then something went wrong with his head,                    
For the lady appeared who was dead!                         
Then he woke up, the loser.                                 
"That bump was a Doser",                                    
The man at the hospital said.                               
                                                            
69273 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



He got really spooked and he fled.                          
He fell down the stairs and he bled.                        
After a really bad day,                                     
Troubles just went away,                                    
For now the poor man he was dead!                           
                                                            
69274 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



My Ex was a trying old bird.                                
(Such hatred my boat in her stirred!)                       
When I got my new craft                                     
Square cross the aft,                                       
I named it for her -- The Seaward.                          
                                                            
69275 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Irish                    



Now that is a helluva stunt;                                
You couldn't have been much more blunt.                     
Wife and boat with the same                                 
Ridiculous name.                                            
(So what is she?  Cockboat or punt?)                        
                                                            
69276 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Ericka                   



To be sure the old scow was a shit,                         
And in truth, we just weren't a good fit.                   
Having piloted both,                                        
I'll take any oath                                          
That the boat had a smaller cockpit.                        
                                                            
69277 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Irish                    



One stormy night, above decks,                              
I think I came 'cross your old Ex.                          
While draped over the gunwale,                              
I drilled her old tunnel,                                   
Then heard through the barfing, "Who's next?"               
                                                            
69278 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       H Whelchel               



It seem to be always my fate                                
To work with a lady named Kate.                             
And my given karma                                          
To totally disarm her,                                      
Ensures that we often will mate.                            
                                                            
69279 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Archie                   



I've two next-door neighbors named Kate;                    
One's twenty; one's twenty and eight.                       
Since both are flirtacious                                  
And roundly curvaceous,                                     
I thought I ask both for a date.                            
                                                            
69280 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



Knock Knock!  "Hello Kate #1;                               
You up for a romp in the sun?"                              
"Fuck off, you old perv!",                                  
She informed me with verve,                                 
As she threatened my pride with a gun.                      
                                                            
69281 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



Knock knock!  "Hello Kate #2;                               
You up for a tumble and screw?"                             
"Take that, she replied                                     
As she dented my pride                                      
With the tip of her elegant shoe.                           
                                                            
69282 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



Pre-menstrual tensions, alack,                              
I guess was the cause of attack.                            
I know they'll be gagging                                   
Like Hell for a shagging                                    
On Saturday night when I'm back.                            
                                                            
69283 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Peter Wilkins            



A young GI on leave searched in vain                        
For a spot to sit down in a train.                          
He was dead on his feet,                                    
When he spotted a seat                                      
Occupied by a dog -- what a pain.                           
                                                            
69284 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Stephen Ross             



He asked to sit down with the beast,                        
But the owner'd not budge in the least.                     
She said it was rude                                        
And obnoxious and crude                                     
Because the poor dog was deceased.                          
                                                            
69285 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Stephen Ross             



He got tired of the stubborn old dame,                      
Who insulted his Nation and Name.                           
So he picked up the bitch,                                  
Out the window he pitched,                                  
But he threw the wrong bitch off the train!                 
                                                            
69286 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Stephen Ross             



Oh dearest, I say unto thee,                                
Be careful of maidens like me.                              
Wilt give thee a wink                                       
And turn in a blink                                         
To run away laughing with glee.                             
                                                            
69287 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



But shouldst thou wink at me too                            
And decide to linger with you.                              
Your hand would have felt                                   
My chastity belt,                                           
And you'd be missing a finger or two.                       
                                                            
69288 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES                                



I dreamed I was pressed as a witch.                         
I was sent to Hell for a hitch.                             
They roasted me slow                                        
In Hell there below.                                        
Was this because I'd been a bitch?                          
                                                            
69289 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Marlene                  



Asleep under blanket and quilt,                             
I cooked in the oven I'd built.                             
I do not need both,                                         
Although I am loath                                         
To admit the heat made me wilt.                             
                                                            
69290 WOMEN - BITCHES - SERIES       Marlene                  



I sleep all alone in the park,                              
Since I made an innocuous remark                            
My wife overheard.                                          
(It's really absurd.)                                       
"Gray cats look alike in the dark!"                         
                                                            
69291 WOMEN - BORED                  Chris Papa               



Said a bored Chinese housewife named Wong,                  
"I've tried cooking, and sewing, and song,                  
But the perfect solution,                                   
Though it does take some douchin',                          
Fornication and such all day long!                          
                                                            
69292 WOMEN - BORED                  Armand E Singer        51



If he doesn't mind, does it matter?                         
That with all sorts of folks she will natter.               
At socials and work,                                        
Talk she doesn't shirk.                                     
Does he think she's as mad as a hatter?                     
                                                            
69293 WOMEN - BORED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A woman returned from a spree                               
Of shopping that brought her much glee.                     
When her husband espied                                     
All she bought, he just sighed,                             
"The best things in wife are not free!"                     
                                                            
69294 WOMEN - BORED                  Macsam                   



A bored housewife while laid on her back,                   
Being rogered and going "Yack! Yack".                       
She's contstantly groaning,                                 
Which he mistakes for sex moaning,                          
When she yells, "In the ceiling a crack!".                  
                                                            
69295 WOMEN - BORED                                           



A friend took us home in his lorry;                         
Now I feel awfully sorry.                                   
I chose the wrong lad;                                      
It made me feel sad,                                        
But I found a good one near the quarry.                     
                                                            
69296 WOMEN - BORED                                           



I met her in Athens (that's Greece).                        
She could talk and she never would cease.                   
It was talk all the time,                                   
But the sex was sublime.                                    
She's a nice conversational piece.                          
                                                            
69297 WOMEN - BORED                  Al Willis          TP9802



My wife's lost her sex drive and stamina.                   
She not only paints nails while I am in 'er --              
As my libido accrues,                                       
She calls out the clues                                     
From the crossword of the Bradford Examiner!                
                                                            
69298 WOMEN - BORED                  H Myers            TP9806



I've been trying to write something dirty,                  
Or even just remotely flirty.                               
But my hormones are fried;                                  
My smut must have died,                                     
Or perhaps I've turned into a nerdie!                       
                                                            
69299 WOMEN - BORED                  Cheryl                   



There's still smut in your imagination --                   
You must give it artificial respiration.                    
Please don't let it die,                                    
This newsgroup will cry --                                  
You give all of us inspiration.                             
                                                            
69300 WOMEN - BORED                  Kaylin                   



I'm trying but I'm so uninspired...                         
But wait...I know what has transpired!                      
While abroad, I got lucky                                   
And though it was ducky,                                    
My smutter laid down and retired.                           
                                                            
69301 WOMEN - BORED                  Cheryl                   



If that is the case, never fear;                            
When I'm rested, I'll get back in gear.                     
But he quite wore me out,                                   
(I had no cause to pout)                                    
So for now, I'll just lurk, smirk, and leer.                
                                                            
69302 WOMEN - BORED                  Cheryl                   



It seems that poor Gary, your man,                          
Wore you out, as only men can.                              
Glad you had a good time,                                   
(Hope you did it in rhyme)                                  
And I bet HE gave you no Spam!                              
                                                            
69303 WOMEN - BORED                  Joy                      



There was a beautician named Dave,                          
Had a plan for his clients to save.                         
For describing their screwing,                              
They got free shampooing;                                   
Screwing Dave, a free permanent wave!                       
                                                            
69304 WOMEN - BORED                  Laurence Craft           



My sister's new boyfriend was Beauchamp,                    
When she wanted him, she couldn't reach 'em.                
If they had a date,                                         
He arrived very late;                                       
She decided a lesson to teach em.                           
                                                            
69305 WOMEN - BORED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young fellow named Claud,                       
With his girlfriend was easily bored.                       
To get a second date,                                       
He decided their fate.                                      
A third date brought a watch as reward.                     
                                                            
69306 WOMEN - BORED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



She went off with her friend for the night;                 
The thought gave her mother a fright.                       
Her girl with a bloke?                                      
This thought made her choke.                                
She hoped she knew her wrong from right.                    
                                                            
69307 WOMEN - BORED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Though randiness just wouldn't quit,                        
She gave up on sex in a snit.                               
For the dick she did seek                                   
Might hang on a geek,                                       
And not in the crotch of a wit.                             
                                                            
69308 WOMEN - BORED                                           



"It is time," said the hooker, Miss Loring,                 
"New avenues I go exploring.                                
This street corner jazz                                     
Is a pain in the ass,                                       
And the men you meet whoring are boring."                   
                                                            
69309 WOMEN - BORED                  VOL 11                   



A frustrated young miss from Montpelier                     
In response to her paramour's feelier,                      
Shouted, "I'll change my role;                              
I bequeath you my hole;                                     
And you give me your thing -- I'll impelier!"               
                                                            
69310 WOMEN - BORED                  Hugh Oliver         A117B



There's one at the St Moritz                                
With a passion for flashin' her tits;                       
And old Mrs Bronson                                         
At the Howard Johnson,                                      
Who squats in the lobby and shits.                          
                                                            
69311 WOMEN - BORED                                           



And then that dear Mrs. Deville                             
Blew in to the Hotel Seville.                               
She liked the bellhops                                      
To butter her chops,                                        
For a nice little pre-luncheon thrill.                      
                                                            
69312 WOMEN - BORED                                           



I arrived much to early it seems;                           
An hour wait, I thought I would scream.                     
But I was soothed with popcorn                              
So I did not scorn                                          
The time to see man of her dreams.                          
                                                            
69313 WOMEN - BORED                                           



It's there I go slumming late night                         
What I read could give me a fright!                         
Completely tasteless                                        
And all in a mess                                           
And they're all so easy, not tight!                         
                                                            
69314 WOMEN - BORED                                           



She wasn't too bold, not too willing,                       
And did stare a lot at the ceiling.                         
But once with this rogue,                                   
She put down her "Vogue"                                    
And said, "That was moderately thrilling."                  
                                                            
69315 WOMEN - BORED                                           



FOR WIDOWER - Wanted, housekeeper                           
Not too refined, a light sleeper.                           
When employer's inclined,                                   
Must be game for a grind,                                   
Pay generous, mind, but can't keeper.                       
                                                            
69316 WOMEN - BORED                  Anon                G0114



Mazithera Morgan is lazy,                                   
While Cubby on top, humps like crazy.                       
She is calm and cool,                                       
Enjoying his tool;                                          
Her nickname is Never-sweat-Mazie!                          
                                                            
69317 WOMEN - BORED                  Marlene Lewis            



I know a young lady from Beavor                             
And not for the world would I grieve her;                   
But it runs in my head                                      
That she scares herself dead                                
For no one's allowed to relieve her.                        
                                                            
69318 WOMEN - BORED                  Rudyard Kipling     P8903



A young girl living in Scarboro Me.,  (Maine)               
Left the town on an early freight train.                    
She went to the big city;                                   
Dolled up and looked pretty;                                
Her new life was spent in the fast lane.                    
                                                            
69319 WOMEN - BORED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A bed-weary babe, Honey Dunny,                              
Said "Sex all the time isn't funny,                         
But the guys I know balk                                    
At card-playing or talk                                     
So there's nothing much else left for Honey!"               
                                                            
69320 WOMEN - BORED                  Grand Prix Lim  637      



There once was a young girl in Perth,                       
Last night partied for all she was worth.                   
Today, she's so tired,                                      
If at work, she'd be fired.                                 
How lucky it's Sunday on Earth.                             
                                                            
69321 WOMEN - BORED                  Kathryn                  



W/F/D, 39                                                   
Wants W/S/M Valentine:                                      
40+ is OK,                                                  
No TV or gay;                                               
Bucks & brains pls, your photo for mine.                    
                                                            
69322 WOMEN - BORED                  Robin K. Willoughby P8703



A wealthy young woman named Mitzy,                          
Lived in a mansion quite ritzy.                             
But her quirky decor                                        
Was a sight to abhor,                                       
For her taste was outrageously ditsy.                       
                                                            
69323 WOMEN - BORED                  Cap'n Bean          P0010



When the doctor examined Miss Donder,                       
He discovered her time she did squander,                    
To sew clothes and cook,                                    
So he gave her a book,                                      
On the Habits of Rabbits to ponder.                         
                                                            
69324 WOMEN - BORED                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2550



There was a young tomboy named Amy                          
Who, when things went wrong said, "Don't blame me!          
I learned from my brother,                                  
So go blame another;                                        
If you want a real girl, then please tame me."              
                                                            
69325 WOMEN - BORED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



In the city of Paris are wives                              
Who, when not scratching their hives,                       
Are waiting for tourists                                    
Who might act as purists                                    
And give them the ride of their lives.                      
                                                            
69326 WOMEN - BORED                                           



The stylist restored my coiffure.                           
I've had a divine pedicure.                                 
I've buried my nose                                         
In my bouquet of rose -                                     
It's a start at redemption, for sure.                       
                                                            
69327 WOMEN - BORED                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a woman from Singapore,                      
Who thought that her life had become a bore.                
So she flew off to Spain,                                   
In a jumbo jet plane,                                       
To become the first lady toreador.                          
                                                            
69328 WOMEN - BORED                                           



She's eaten all the hors d'oeuvres.                         
Some times she gets on my n'oeuvres.                        
When she gets on the scale                                  
Her heart may well fail,                                    
I suppose that that's what she des'oeuvres!                 
                                                            
69329 WOMEN - BORED                  John K. Roberts     P9302



At the mixer, a shy girl named Jack-                        
ie had of prospects, a definite lack.                       
Till a helpful chap, Hy,                                    
Fixed thing up with an "I                                   
FUCK LIKE A BUNNY" sign taped to her back.                  
                                                            
69330 WOMEN - BORED                  Michael Weinstein   P9210



A frustrated lady named Fritz                               
Alone in her rocking chair knits.                           
She know not what is missing --                             
But it's used just for pissing,                             
While there on a gold mine she sits.                        
                                                            
69331 WOMEN - BORED                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2075



A lady depressed name of Twitting                           
Despairingly works at her knitting.                         
The excitement is missing                                   
For it's used just for pissing --                           
She knows not on a gold mine she's sitting.                 
                                                            
69332 WOMEN - BORED                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2350



The team's receptionist, Cassie,                            
Is often a well-prepared lassie.                            
But if she says a word,                                     
Others doubt what they heard,                               
And really don't think she's so sassy.                      
                                                            
69333 WOMEN - BORED                  Anon                     



Rub a dub dub, my wife's in the tub;                        
She soaks day and night in the bubbles.                     
She's not really half fish,                                 
She just worries, kapiche?                                  
She's just soaking away all her troubles.                   
                                                            
69334 WOMEN - BORED                  K R Swift                



There was a young lady named Cruller,                       
Whose sex life got duller and duller,                       
Till she sampled the nectar                                 
Of Hector's erector,                                        
In stereo, three-D, and color!                              
                                                            
69335 WOMEN - BORED                  Albin Chaplin 3024  G0554



The students are dressing like sluts,                       
Showing off all of their buts.                              
They go to their classes                                    
Letting boys grab their asses                               
And sucking on all of their nuts.                           
                                                            
69336 WOMEN - BORED                  Bad Girl                 



The legate went seldom to court.                            
When queried, he gave this report:                          
"The girls there are fair,                                  
Their virtue is rare,                                       
They are uncommon girls of their sort."                     
                                                            
69337 WOMEN - BORED                  Laurence Perrine    P8503



The sweet little girlies of Surrey                          
Are anyone's after a curry;                                 
But girlies from Berks                                      
Prefer toffee-nosed jerks                                   
To be up 'em and out in a hurry.                            
                                                            
69338 WOMEN - BORED                                           



A WAAF said "It does upset me                               
That we have to drink so much coffee.                       
They serve it at dawning,                                   
And all through the morning,                                
And then expect us to PT!"                                  
(PT - physical training exercise)                           
69339 WOMEN - BORED                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Old hippies find it a haven,                                
Huggin' trees and environment savin';                       
Spotted owls and salmon                                     
And old lady jammin'                                        
Their faces, not once seen a shavin'.                       
                                                            
69340 WOMEN - BORED                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The girl with an innocence glance,                          
May not need to repulse an advance.                         
But if her expanse is                                       
Curvaceous, then chance is                                  
She's advancing men's pulses and pants.                     
                                                            
69341 WOMEN - BUILT                  Bob Giandomenico    P9604



Tyrone is his long yellow Cadillac,                         
Spied a chick who was built cute and black.                 
He said, "Girl, tell you true,                              
But the fact is that you                                    
Are definitely my 'Afro-disiac'!"                           
                                                            
69342 WOMEN - BUILT                  A. W. Edwards       P9012



She is built like the Great Oakland Raiders,                
With two big and lusty persuaders.                          
She stands very tall                                        
And I guess I have all                                      
That meat and I have no potaters.                           
                                                            
69343 WOMEN - BUILT                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A waitress with generous thighs                             
Had a rear of remarkable size.                              
As she swayed to and fro,                                   
She pleased all, high and low,                              
And wreaked havoc in quite a few flies.                     
                                                            
69344 WOMEN - BUILT                  Isaac Asimov             



I would love to begin the beguine                           
With that ravishing girl from Racine,                       
Of the smoldering eyes                                      
And voluptuous thighs,                                      
And that delicate fuzz in between.                          
                                                            
69345 WOMEN - BUILT                  Keith MacMillan     A124C



There was a young lass at the lake                          
With a tummy as thin as a snake.                            
'Twas the junction between                                  
A bosom supreme                                             
And a tush that would just take the cake.                   
                                                            
69346 WOMEN - BUILT                  Dublew Ardee             



The teats, legs, and ass on Miss Weir                       
Cause the cults of all three parts to cheer.                
She's a sensual delight                                     
To lacivious sight,                                         
Down to and including the queer.                            
                                                            
69347 WOMEN - BUILT                                      G0482



The men on the beaches of Nice,                             
Are often quite short and obese.                            
But the graceful young girls                                
Who are there with their churls,                            
One supposes are merely on lease.                           
                                                            
69348 WOMEN - BUILT                  Harald S. Green     P8510



A lass who calls home Tallahassee,                          
Has attributes men think are classy:                        
While some say her manners                                  
Rate prizes and banners,                                    
Most of them mention her chassis.                           
                                                            
69349 WOMEN - BUILT                  Norm Storer         P9112



There once was a pretty young lass;                         
All the guys thought she had lots of class.                 
She gave them all fits                                      
When they looked at her tits,                               
And they all wished they could grope her ass.               
                                                            
69350 WOMEN - BUILT                  The DMs                  



Her blue eyes were large and dilated,                       
Her bosom was over inflated,                                
Her ass made me feel,                                       
Was she really for real?                                    
I could not find a guarantee stated.                        
                                                            
69351 WOMEN - BUILT                  Lance Payne         P8705



Why put up with the same stringy sluts,                     
Who are known for bruising your nuts.                       
Wait for real gourmets treat                                
With a sweet tender meat,                                   
And is rated, prime choice of all cuts.                     
                                                            
69352 WOMEN - BUILT                                           



There's a girl from around Tallahassee                      
Who is quite an outstanding young lassie,                   
Which description pertains                                  
Not to talent or brains,                                    
But the shape of than neat, classy, chassis.                
                                                            
69353 WOMEN - BUILT                  Keith MacMillan     A036B



This is reason to live here in Dixie                        
Where a guy named Tyrone is not Trixie;                     
And the women are real                                      
And the thighs that we feel                                 
Will belong to some cute FEMALE pixie.                      
                                                            
69354 WOMEN - BUILT                                           



But now she's up north; It's the pits                       
Down south here, deprived of her tits.                      
I dream of her visage,                                      
Then mull o'er my spizzage.                                 
Now why is my spoo full of grits?                           
                                                            
69355 WOMEN - BUILT                                           



There was once a young maiden of Muncie,                    
Of mentality simple and duncie,                             
But with boobies and ass                                    
So unique in their class,                                   
She was eager to let everyone see.                          
                                                            
69356 WOMEN - BUILT                  Keith MacMillan     A046D



The Katie next door is too bad;                             
She walks 'round her garden half-clad.                      
She gives me a wink                                         
As she flashes her pink,                                    
And her teasing is driving me mad.                          
                                                            
69357 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Peter Wilkins            



The Katie who's two doors away                              
Has sent me an invite today...                              
A party!  What fun!                                         
When she's twenty and one,                                  
On the third of November, wahey!                            
                                                            
69358 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Peter Wilkins            



I hope you're not feeling too randy;                        
The hostess ain't Katie, but Mandy.                         
Her Tupperware fetish                                       
Will mean she pets pettish,                                 
If you've not your cheque book real handy.                  
                                                            
69359 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Tiddy Ogg                



A tupperware party, eh Tid?                                 
I'll pay that young Mandy a quid                            
To whip off her tupperware,                                 
Her lower and upperware,                                    
And get her to do as I bid.                                 
                                                            
69360 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Peter Wilkins            



That Kate #2 is as flirty                                   
As Kate #1, who is thirty.                                  
I cannot decide                                             
Who'd be best for a ride                                    
So to both, I'll sugest something dirty.                    
                                                            
69361 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Peter Wilkins            



Then there's Kate's mother who's forty                      
And looks like her daughter -- real sporty.                 
Bet she would be up                                         
For a tickle and tup                                        
Or some action exceedingly naughty.                         
                                                            
69362 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Peter Wilkins            



Kate 1, Kate 2, or the Mother?                              
Have you forgotten the brother?                             
He'll charge you a buck,                                    
If his family you fuck.                                     
It's a business just like any other.                        
                                                            
69363 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Squat                    



Just two doors away on the right,                           
Lives Anna-Marie, a delight.                                
A scrumptious nineteen                                      
Year old Essex colleen,                                     
Who wears skirts most exceedingly tight.                    
                                                            
69364 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Peter Wilkins            



There once was a girl named Bette.                          
When she became a majorette,                                
They found her too skinny                                   
To wear a cute mini;                                        
They plumped her with a helium jet.                         
                                                            
69365 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Phyllis Johnson          



Soon that round majorette was the toast                     
Of the crowd, as she gave her utmost,                       
And in flamboyant leap,                                     
Won the game with broad sweep,                              
Sailing squarely between the goal posts.                    
                                                            
69366 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Mary Sullivan            



A helium plumped drum majorette,                            
Is a sight to behold, you can bet.                          
That game winning fete,                                     
To the crowd, was a treat.                                  
Which they're likely not apt to forget.                     
                                                            
69367 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Don Tidwell              



It's a very peculiar affair,                                
For it seems as Bette flew through the air                  
And sailed through those posts,                             
To the cheers and the toasts,                               
She changed from a round to a square.                       
                                                            
69368 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           John Pickersgill         



It was all for the best, truth to tell,                     
That her shape metamorphed as she fell.                     
She got squared off, all right,                             
Else that gas-induced flight                                
Might have puffed up her ego as well.                       
                                                            
69369 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Mary Sullivan            



Well, I won't say the dear girl was fat,                    
But a sports fan relayed to me that                         
When our Bette hit the ground,                              
There was heard to resound                                  
An earthshattering squishy KER-SPLAT!                       
                                                            
69370 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Mary Sullivan            



The poor girl was in dire distress,                         
Green grass stains all over her dress,                      
And the umpire they called                                  
Was completely appalled                                     
As he gingerly surveyed the mess.                           
                                                            
69371 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Don Tidwell              



That descent past the end-zone she met                      
Gave new meaning to "hedging a Bette".                      
For she landed with flair                                   
On a ripe prickly pear,                                     
And the prickles, they are in her yet.                      
                                                            
69372 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           John Pickersgill         



In agrarian terms, it's quite rare                          
To encounter a ripe prickly pear                            
In an area made                                             
So team games can be played...                              
Makes me wonder how come it was there.                      
                                                            
69373 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Don Tidwell              



It's surrounding the site like a shield.                    
And the reason will soon be revealed.                       
Yes, that ominous cactus                                    
Was there to protect us                                     
From limerickers storming the field.                        
                                                            
69374 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Mary Sullivan            



Then a doctor was called to the scene,                      
To remove those sharp spines long and green.                
With a small hemostat,                                      
He explored where they're at,                               
And removed, at first count, seventeen!                     
                                                            
69375 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Don Tidwell              



I've heard rumors that this girls fecundity                 
Abounds in the greatest abundity.                           
Well...Helium jet?                                          
That's the best I've heard yet!                             
To explain her excessive rotundity.                         
                                                            
69376 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           John Pickersgill         



I submit then for what it is worth,                         
This resolves the true cause of her girth.                  
We should celebrate her joy                                 
With her new girl or boy,                                   
And raise up our glass at the birth.                        
                                                            
69377 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           John Pickersgill         



A young man from up in the booth                            
Asked his cheerleader girl for the truth                    
"I know from their eyes,                                    
You've played ball with the guys,                           
And more call you Babe than say Ruth."                      
                                                            
69378 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS                                    



Yes, they call her the Home Run Queen,                      
And I'm sure you know what they mean.                       
She'll go all the way;                                      
They score every day;                                       
She's the greatest thing they've ever seen.                 
                                                            
69379 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS                                    



Sure, with many fellows she's been;                         
With her the team always can win;                           
She's scored with the stars                                 
And gotten some scars,                                      
As the batter would safely slide in.                        
                                                            
69380 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS                                    



A too popular cheerleader said,                             
"I'm afraid that I'm failing phys ed.                       
I have no energy --                                         
So you think it could be                                    
I spend too many hours in bed?"                             
                                                            
69381 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           William N. Nesbit   P9609



Thers's a starlet who's still in her teens,                 
Who's adept at removing her jeans.                          
And in X-rated flicks,                                      
So accomplished with pricks,                                
That she steals all the pictures obscenes.                  
                                                            
69382 WOMEN - CHEERLEADERS           Anon                     



A courtesan eating falafel,                                 
Auctioned herself with a raffle.                            
She sold twenty tickets                                     
To some Lord with rickets.                                  
Quoth he, "Ho, my chances are awful!"                       
                                                            
69383 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Buckaroo                 



There was a young lady named Bream                          
Notoriously low in esteem.                                  
But the doubts and the jeers                                
Turned to shouts and to cheers                              
When she made the All-American Team!                        
                                                            
69384 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin            



They were cheering and clapping their hands;                
A pretty girl was affecting their glands.                   
When a sad story was told                                   
About a roue 60 years old,                                  
Not a dry handkerchief in the stands.                       
                                                            
69385 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Andy Sorenson       P9009



There was a young steno named Krupp                         
Who lacked a spare dime for a cup.                          
She got under a man                                         
An intense artisan,                                         
And proficiently worked her way up.                         
                                                            
69386 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin            



A girl on a countryside course                              
Found a brand-new natural resource.                         
She traded her ass                                          
For anti-knock gas,                                         
At the sign of the Flying Red Horse.                        
                                                            
69387 WOMEN - EXPERT                                     G1764



There was a young maid from the Vosges                      
Who laid men in dark theatre loges.                         
A Paris success,                                            
She got into a mess                                         
In a cross-channel pew at Stoke Poges.                      
                                                            
69388 WOMEN - EXPERT                                     G1884



I once met a barfly from Cannes                             
Who always liked a one night stand.                         
Her pussy was choice                                        
And so very moist --                                        
That cat's the best fuck in the land!                       
                                                            
69389 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



There was a young woman named Firth,                        
Who canoodled for all she was worth,                        
Guys at B.P.O.E.,                                           
Said 'twas easy to see,                                     
Why they deemed her "Best Pussy On Earth."                  
                                                            
69390 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Bob Giandomenico    P0206



In moments of quarrelsome urgency,                          
A wife quelled her husband's insurgency,                    
By the sweetest of smiles                                   
And sexual wiles;                                           
Plus a mallet, in case of emergency.                        
                                                            
69391 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Isaac Asimov             



A librarian, checking her stacks,                           
Decided to unzip her slacks.                                
Her pussy was wet,                                          
Affirming her bet --                                        
A book fetish is better then facts.                         
                                                            
69392 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Magunda                  



Though American girls are good-looking,                     
Their husbands get a terrible rooking,                      
And learn with surprise                                     
That their partners are wise                                
In fooking rather than cooking.                             
                                                            
69393 WOMEN - EXPERT                                     G1559



She has a fine business, my Honey;                          
She takes in just oodles of money.                          
She's never in debt;                                        
She has a sextet;                                           
And at night she cavorts like a bunny.                      
                                                            
69394 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Jim Weaver Collection    



It is not the size of the stick.                            
It's more like the power in the wick.                       
The one who is sweet                                        
Gives off the most heat;                                    
Well, he is the one that I'd pick.                          
                                                            
69395 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



A Frenchman who exudes savoir faire;                        
He would never say, "Her ass is bare."                      
When he sees a cute butt                                    
Of a sleek nubile slut,                                     
He always says, "Cute derriere."                            
                                                            
69396 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Al Willis           T9707



An indecent young lass of Batavia,                          
When jailed for indecent behavia,                           
Quite unsettled the guard                                   
With a husky, "Get hard,                                    
As I slowly and madly depravia."                            
                                                            
69397 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Keith MacMillan     A084A



A rather plain coed named Basset                            
Learned giving consent, even tacit,                         
When out on late dates                                      
And flat on her nates,                                      
Sure proved her most durable asset.                         
                                                            
69398 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Armand E Singer       377



A driving instructor from Queens                            
Had a pet cat she kept in her jeans.                        
Such a randy pussy                                          
She had, it was pushy.                                      
That cat was the best fuck I've seen!                       
                                                            
69399 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



There was an old lady called Dora,                          
Whose hobby was fauna and flora.                            
As she lived on a pension,                                  
She lived under tension.                                    
She found she was richer -- and poorer.                     
                                                            
69400 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A maid should avoid any scandal                             
And with caution take what she can handle.                  
If she oft takes the shaft                                  
From the fore and the aft,                                  
Both ends will be burned by the candle.                     
                                                            
69401 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   302      



The call girl arrived at the door                           
On my opening night with Miss Gore.                         
Now I'm getting sex free,                                   
You can easily see                                          
Why no call girl need call any more...                      
                                                            
69402 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Grand Prix Lim   83      



There was a fair maid from Grenoble                         
Who'd lie on her bed quite immobile.                        
But massaging her clit,                                     
The fires would get lit...                                  
Her pussy's a Gallic Chernobyl!                             
                                                            
69403 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Ognigioia                



Said a loose-moralled lady at Trinity:                      
"The date when I lost my virginity,                         
I cannot remember,                                          
But there's been a male member                              
Ever since in my genital vicinity."                         
                                                            
69404 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Grand Prix Lim  642 G1621



To a loose little lass of LaBelle,                          
Said her Ma: "See here, Newell, what the hell!              
All this time in the hay,                                   
You are giving away                                         
A commodity other girls sell."                              
                                                            
69405 WOMEN - EXPERT                 John P McKnight          



A clever young woman named Treadwell                        
Was noted for baking her bread well;                        
She invited her beaus                                       
To sample her doughs,                                       
Which kept them performing in bed well.                     
                                                            
69406 WOMEN - EXPERT                 William K. Alsop    P9209



An experienced girl of Alberta                              
Was convinced that no pecker could hurt her.                
Though she felt some unease                                 
When invited to squeeze                                     
On the province's champion squirter.                        
                                                            
69407 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Keith MacMillan       88d



There was a young girl of Detroit                           
Whose movements were very adroit.                           
She was screwed by old Harris,                              
Who was just in from Paris,                                 
But some facets he failed to exploit.                       
                                                            
69408 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0108



There was a young maiden named Biddle,                      
Who was charitable with her middle.                         
In an airplane one day,                                     
She let a youth play,                                       
And enjoyed a high diddle-diddle.                           
                                                            
69409 WOMEN - EXPERT                                     G2256



The housewife around the house trudges,                     
Removing the filth and the smudges,                         
Which she finds with eye keen,                              
In a house that is clean,                                   
While she wonders why men can't be drudges.                 
                                                            
69410 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2821



I am in search of Miss Right,                               
A lady with charm and with bite.                            
With two lips full and red                                  
That just love to give head,                                
And two more that go hump in the night.                     
                                                            
69411 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Writerman                



A farmer who came from Bordeaux                             
Was screwing a lady named Jo.                               
This young lady, so proud,                                  
Had too often been plowed,                                  
And he found her a hard row to hoe.                         
                                                            
69412 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0053



Said farmer Jones, "My daughter Heather,                    
May have to be tied to a tether...                          
For a farmer's daughter,                                    
You'd think that she oughter                                
Know how to keep her calves together!"                      
                                                            
69413 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



When tested for kinky sex, Pam's                            
Scores showed she had passed her exams,                     
With colors high-flying,                                    
And now she is trying                                       
For bonus grades with Mexican yams.                         
                                                            
69414 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Travis Brasell           



"I wedded me Flo," muttered Saul,                           
"Then sells all me books -- I mean all!                     
What I needs to know,                                       
Is told me by Flo.                                          
I've learnt that the gal knows it all!"                     
                                                            
69415 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Travis Brasell           



The newspapers print an assortment                          
Of ladies all lacking deportment.                           
They leave limousines                                       
Displaying their genes,                                     
And somewhat bereft of comportment.                         
                                                            
69416 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Anon                     



Said a raunchy spelunker named Otto,                        
"Though I've explored many a grotto,                        
Girl grottoes, I've found                                   
Sure beat those underground,                                
So today 'Ladies First' is my motto!"                       
                                                            
69417 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Grand Prix Lim  940      



As she slowly peeled off her last stocking,                 
Sighed a Hohokus honey named Hocking,                       
"When you tantalize                                         
Guys with tail-lighted eyes,                                
It adds schmock to the jock when they're socking!"          
                                                            
69418 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Grand Prix Lim  803      



A lady from old Pakistan                                    
Hooked up with a young Arab man.                            
She said, "Now be gentle,                                   
I'm not oriental,                                           
But I learned a few tricks in Iran."                        
                                                            
69419 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Bob Birch                



There was a young lady named Conner,                        
Who said that no man had been on her.                       
But old Charlie DeGaul                                      
With her had such a ball,                                   
Her award was the Legion of Honour!                         
                                                            
69420 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin            



To bed spread delicious Miss Vance                          
Is well worth your taking the chance...                     
For she plays a gay tune                                    
On your old macaroon,                                       
Till it's like a dead coon in your pants!                   
                                                            
69421 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Grand Prix Lim  963      



A horny satyrical peasant                                   
Found sex with his girlfriend most pleasant.                
When he stroked her bazoom,                                 
She lit up the room!                                        
Erotically flushed, incandescent!                           
                                                            
69422 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Conch                    



From women, LOUCHE ladies draw frowns,                      
And are treated like stains on their gowns.                 
But they delight men                                        
Who'll wait until when                                      
They savor their hips ups and downs.                        
                                                            
69423 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Chris Papa               



Said a naked young lady of Willow,                          
While placing a polka dot pillow                            
Beneath her trim bum:                                       
"Sex is sinful to some,                                     
But to me it's a mere peckerdillo!"                         
                                                            
69424 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Grand Prix Lim  092 G2554



San Antone's in the county of Bear,                         
Where the girls are so fair and so rare.                    
They invite to their nest                                   
Only the best,                                              
Like Metro, Goldwynn, and Mayer.                            
                                                            
69425 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Ed Wolfert          P8311



There was a young lady from Putney,                         
Who was given to sexual gluttony.                           
Warned a pious old duffer,                                  
"Your morals will suffer."                                  
"That's what you think," she said.  "I ain't gutney."       
                                                            
69426 WOMEN - EXPERT                 John Ciardi              



She has put old Coolbreeze to the test,                     
As her face and her hair's all a mess.                      
With a pop and a fizz,                                      
She earned all of my jizz,                                  
In her mouth, on her lips, and her dress.                   
                                                            
69427 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Coolbreeze               



Those "diamonds" you wear are but glass,                    
Those "gold" rings are nothing but brass,                   
Those breasts aren't your own,                              
They are all silicone...                                    
But still you're a fine piece of ass.                       
                                                            
69428 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



"On my wife," said a man from South Bend,                   
"For sex I can never depend.                                
She has terrible looks                                      
But she cleans and she cooks --                             
She's a dog, but she is my best friend."                    
                                                            
69429 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin       P9104



When I was young, sex wasn't so great --                    
(He was done 'fore I got out the gate!)                     
But now that I'm more mellow,                               
And have found the right fellow --                          
Well, believe me, it's never too late!                      
                                                            
69430 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



A pushover pixie of Prumble                                 
Is always red hot for a tumble.                             
With sex in their heads,                                    
Men seek no other beds;                                     
With her service no man can grumble.                        
                                                            
69431 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Grand Prix Lim  780      



Neither Mother nor Grandma am I.                            
(Only one kind of head in my pie!)                          
I am young; I am lithe;                                     
I've no fear of the scythe --                               
Only not having fun is to die.                              
                                                            
69432 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Lucy                     



Here's the recipe for Lackanooky:                           
Try Cheesecake or a Big Sugar Cookie.                       
Another good bet                                            
Is hot Crepes Suzette;                                      
You'll cook with Suzette -- she's no rookie.                
                                                            
69433 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Annie Jay                



There was a young lady named Wood                           
Who claimed she was misunderstood.                          
They said she was bad,                                      
But this made her mad;                                      
For in bed all men said she was good.                       
                                                            
69434 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2393



A lady will not run amuck                                   
If she faces her problems with pluck.                       
In her life she will score                                  
If she acts like a whore,                                   
Who for nothing does not give a fuck.                       
                                                            
69435 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin            



There was a young lady in Brussels                          
Who keeps her spare cash in her bustles.                    
When she runs out of food                                   
She stops being good,                                       
And takes off her bustles and hustles.                      
                                                            
69436 WOMEN - EXPERT                                     G1748



There was a young woman in Dee,                             
Who slept with each man she did see.                        
When it came to a test,                                     
She wished to be best,                                      
And practice makes perfect, you see.                        
                                                            
69437 WOMEN - EXPERT                                     L0286



I can get from Sylvester Stallone                           
As much as I want; and it's known                           
That Schwarzenegger begs                                    
For the prize twixt my legs --                              
A world famous erogenous zone.                              
                                                            
69438 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Robin K. Willoughby P8606



There was a young girl of Kilkenny,                         
Who is worried by lovers so many,                           
That the saucy young elf,                                   
Means to raffle herself,                                    
And the tickets are two for a penny.                        
                                                            
69439 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



Some say, "Pleased to meet you," to ease you;               
Others say it to simply appease you.                        
But it's so nice to hear,                                   
When it's really quite clear,                               
She possesses the sweet meat to please you.                 
                                                            
69440 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Bob Giandomenico    P0208



There was a young fucktress named Bones                     
An expert at fondling men's cajones.                        
She would take them to bed                                  
And give them good head,                                    
And send them off back to their homes.                      
                                                            
69441 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A sumptuous broad -- a Circassian --                        
Turned sexual tricks in high fashion;                       
Even those poorly hung,                                     
Again felt themselves young:                                
For such are the uses of passion.                           
                                                            
69442 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Armand E Singer       569



My nips are all perky and pert;                             
Though freezing, they're ready to flirt                     
With my little Snooky                                       
Who's looking for nooky                                     
And always on sexual alert.                                 
                                                            
69443 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Arden                    



I know a young girl from Nebraska;                          
The bitch is as cold as Alaska.                             
Her pussy is drippy                                         
As the great Mississippi,                                   
But she sure loves to fuck, so go ask her.                  
                                                            
69444 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Blowcephus          T9801



A little old gal from East Hooper                           
Made love to a young army trooper.                          
She told the bridge club,                                   
"He had just a stub --                                      
While he was quite bad, I was super!"                       
                                                            
69445 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Marlene Lewis            



A young woman, polite and demure,                           
Would reform the depraved and impure.                       
She found it a breeze                                       
And did it with ease,                                       
For her work was a mere sinecure.                           
                                                            
69446 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Isaac Asimov             



It's because of men just like you,                          
(Who miss the point and have no clue.)                      
That I'll never wed,                                        
Again, but my bed,                                          
Is never lacking a good screw.                              
                                                            
69447 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



I have heard that the girls out in Bucks,                   
When they're dancing, do waddle like ducks.                 
But their organ down south                                  
Is as good as a mouth;                                      
Well at least, I've been told that it sucks.                
                                                            
69448 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



I like to boff goods that are soiled;                       
Enjoyment is never spoiled.                                 
Experience is nice,                                         
Now look at me rise                                         
With gonads severely roiled!                                
                                                            
69449 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Jim Weaver Collection    



When it came to a trick with a chamois,                     
I once knew a chick in Miami,                               
Who could squeegee your knob,                               
And soak up the blob,                                       
As quick as your dick could go whammy.                      
                                                            
69450 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Hugh Clary               



I once hired a cowgirl named Mitchell                       
Diana Juanita Von Twitchell;                                
If you want a chick                                         
Who'll mangle your dick,                                    
I promise you, son, that old bitch'll!                      
                                                            
69451 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Travis Brasell           



The reason they're known as Dumb Doras --                   
We, men-folk, they simply adore us.                         
Despite our defects,                                        
We're mostly rejects.                                       
They, deaf, blind, and dumbly are for us.                   
                                                            
69452 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Irving Superior     P9003



There was a young girl from Aberystwyth,                    
Who screwed every man that she kissed with.                 
She tickled the balls                                       
Of the men in the halls,                                    
And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.             
                                                            
69453 WOMEN - EXPERT                                     G0002



Misleading is comely Miss Evans;                            
Her tits are so small she wears 7's.                        
But when she undresses                                      
Your prick tumenesces                                       
And takes you right up to the heavens.                      
                                                            
69454 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Armand E Singer       229



There was a young fellow named Caesar                       
Whose girl got too hot when he'd tease her.                 
To resolve this dilemma                                     
He said, "Step this way Emma                                
And we'll have three and four in the freezer.'              
                                                            
69455 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0661



Some people have faulty impressions                         
Concerning young maids' indiscretions.                      
If the truth must be known,                                 
The record has shown,                                       
They are learning their future professions.                 
                                                            
69456 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2123



A lovable lady of Linz                                      
Just loved to indulge in her sins.                          
She deplored the great lack                                 
Of a two-pronged attack,                                    
And she often wished that she were twins.                   
                                                            
69457 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2163



All men seem to be of a kind;                               
They'll make love just for fun, but you'll find             
Women are not about                                         
To make love without                                        
Some ulterior motive in mind.                               
                                                            
69458 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Charles Gail             



It's easy to please Mr. Zook;                               
His wife has a real sultry look.                            
To screw until dawn                                         
Is what turns him on --                                     
He doesn't expect her to cook.                              
                                                            
69459 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Armand E Singer       444



The incomparable temptress, Fifi,                           
Was unmatched for her skills on a spree.                    
Her swains, wealthy vassals,                                
Though fuming in passels,                                   
Were abandoned by her recklessly.                           
                                                            
69460 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Loren C Fitzhugh    P0203



A vibrator up the ass seems just fine,                      
Or a tool in your mouth for to dine.                        
But if you are willing                                      
And need some real filling,                                 
How about both at the very same time?                       
                                                            
69461 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Lars                     



Not "most women", me -- I'm unique,                         
Preferring a modest physique                                
On right charming guys                                      
With bright twinkling eyes,                                 
Who must have amazing technique.                            
                                                            
69462 WOMEN - EXPERT                                          



Said a gal who disdained Willamantic,                       
"My boyfriend, I fear's too romantic.                       
He becomes simply frantic                                   
If I am too antic                                           
With the male population of Yantic."                        
(Willamantic - what's this, not in my atlas - McW)          
69463 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Conrad Aiken             



There was a poor lass from North Cape                       
With boobies the size of a grape,                           
But wiggling her pelvis,                                    
She outdid old Elvis,                                       
And made all her suitors go ape.                            
                                                            
69464 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Armand E Singer       561



Most men think of sex, that is true;                        
Most wives think of other things too.                       
As for arts of the nights,                                  
Women know what delights,                                   
But they seldom explain it to you.                          
                                                            
69465 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Amego               P2006



Once a young lady from Babbit,                              
With the sex life like that of a rabbit,                    
"Though folks say it's bad                                  
All the nookie I've had,                                    
I can think of many a worse habit!"                         
                                                            
69466 WOMEN - EXPERT                 Anon                     



A lover-boy bachelor named Booker                           
Was pumping his date, a real looker.                        
At last he said, "Beverly,                                  
You screw all too cleverly;                                 
You've done this before, you old hooker!"                   
                                                            
69467 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Armand E Singer       763



The animal lustings of Gert                                 
Just ERUPT from this hot extrovert!                         
Her latest wild caper                                       
Is an ad in the paper:                                      
"ERECTION-DEMOLITION EXPERT!"                               
                                                            
69468 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Grand Prix Lim  761      



A maid from the town Thunder Bay  (Santa Fe)                
Was a hell of a wonderful lay;                              
She would practice coition                                  
In any position                                             
And willingly do it all day.                                
                                                            
69469 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Hugh Oliver           77b



A sweet Georgia peach of high station                       
Became overnight a sensation,                               
When she took on Fort Benning                               
And charged not a pfenning,                                 
Saying, "Who could do less for her nation?"                 
                                                            
69470 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST                            G0773



An agile young woman named Treadwell                        
Had learned how to frolic in bed well.                      
She could do a back flip                                    
And a fancy front dip,                                      
And also could stand on her head well.                      
                                                            
69471 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        William K. Alsop    P8910



There was a fair maiden named Pitts                         
Who said "Yes sir, you can fuck my tits.                    
Put your cock in my rear,                                   
My pussy and ear,                                           
And anyplace else that it fits.                             
                                                            
69472 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        The Poet                 



That Emily's really a hotty;                                
As pussy goes, hers ain't too shoddy.                       
With plenty of hair                                         
And a fishy air,                                            
It's a good fuck!  Just ask anybody.                        
                                                            
69473 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        MrMalo                   



There once was a woman from Chicago,                        
Whose tits were as black as charcoal.                       
She could skin a man's prick                                
So God-awful quick,                                         
That sparks flew out of his asshole.                        
                                                            
69474 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Jim Weaver Collection    



In a trailer, she dwells out in Happy Camp;                 
Go see her! She'll show something  warm and damp.           
When she spreads those lush thighs,                         
Just ignore all those flies;                                
You'll buzz too, and bounce on this banging-champ!          
                                                            
69475 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST                                 



There was a young buxom Norwegian                           
Who sparked up the lads in the Legion.                      
All the heads of the the Post                               
Said that she was the most,                                 
And the best that they had in the region.                   
                                                            
69476 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Albin Chaplin            



A young gal with hymen intact,                              
Might be a hard nut to crack.                               
Take the experienced lass                                   
With a mighty big ass.                                      
It's easier when you extract.                               
                                                            
69477 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST                                 



Her face will not launch any fleets;                        
Her figure's been ruined by sweets.                         
She's much older than me,                                   
But I'll keep her, you see,                                 
For the things that she does 'twixt the sheets.             
                                                            
69478 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        John Miller              



I met a wild flirty redhead;                                
She invited me home to her bed!                             
She was wild as a twister,                                  
And so was her sister;                                      
They blew me right out of my head.                          
                                                            
69479 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Limberick                



I like those ladies that flutter;                           
In their mouths they would not melt butter.                 
These big butch truck drivers                               
And loaded skydivers.                                       
My goodness!  They bring on my stutter!                     
                                                            
69480 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST                                 



A pretty young thing from Southwick                         
At mating is wonderously quick.                             
Before the day's over,                                      
She's been rolled in the clover                             
By every Tom, Harry, and Dick.                              
                                                            
69481 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Macsam                   



The contortionist billed "Twisty Bland"                     
Would contract muscles then she'd expand                    
Others as she'd perform                                     
Until she could conform                                     
To a pretzel shape or ampersand.                            
                                                            
69482 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Loren C Fitzhugh    P9808



There was a young lady named Kubic                          
Whose face was supremely cherubic.                          
But you might be misled                                     
Should you get her in bed,                                  
For reasons demonstrably pubic.                             
                                                            
69483 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Armand E Singer      513A



A tourist in China named Brink                              
Shacked up with a cute little chink.                        
Though her snatch in particular                             
Was quite perpendicular,                                    
She oriented him in a wink.                                 
                                                            
69484 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        David Miller        P8208



A lady from the University,                                 
Was the soul of perversity.                                 
She was into candles                                        
And all kinds of scandals,                                  
And sexual positions of diversity.                          
                                                            
69485 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Jim Weaver Collection    



A contortionist near Seminole                               
Liked to dilate her twat like a bole.                       
And when she began,                                         
Her randy young man                                         
Didn't know from a head in the hole.                        
                                                            
69486 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Hugh Oliver         A096B



What you do, the things that you've said,                   
In every way you turn my head.                              
You're gone and I'm lonely;                                 
I want you not only                                         
Because you're earth shattering in bed!                     
                                                            
69487 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Dave Tubbs               



Women of rather large boning,                               
And ample bust, not too much toning,                        
Just good for a fuck?                                       
Please rethink that muck!                                   
We're good for a fuck, suck, and moaning!                   
                                                            
69488 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Kiwigodss                



Of women well-rounded and buxom,                            
'Tis said that they surely can fuck some.                   
While those, skin and bones,                                
Are famed for their moans,                                  
While lithe and athletic can suck some.                     
                                                            
69489 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Frank                    



The girls of Bordeaux, I'm afraid,                          
You would hardly consider as staid.                         
A young Bordelaise                                          
Knows dozens of ways,                                       
In which she can get bordelaide.                            
                                                            
69490 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Lickerish Limericks P9709



A girl I once knew had a face                               
Which wouldn't have looked out of place                     
On a walrus or gnu                                          
Or a hippo, but whew!                                       
When it came to a screw, she was ace!                       
                                                            
69491 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Peter Wilkins            



A luscious young student of Vassar                          
Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer.                         
But not in her studies,                                     
You old fuddy-duddies,                                      
For she shone as a great piece-of-asser.                    
                                                            
69492 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Isaac Asimov             



My neighbor, the closest I've got,                          
Lives ten miles away on a plot                              
Of ground that's a rental,                                  
And though she is mental,                                   
The bitch has a helluva twat!                               
                                                            
69493 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Travis Brasell           



There's a question designed to perplex,                     
I've been asked in the midst of hot sex.                    
Can I put it in there?                                      
There's no need to fear;                                    
I know some incredible tricks.                              
                                                            
69494 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Robyn               T9710



When the gymnasts appear, Hey! don't miss them,             
For there's one gorgeous creature, so lissome,              
She can turn quite around,                                  
Lay her hand on the ground,                                 
Or reach her own buttocks and kiss them.                    
                                                            
69495 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Arthur N Wilkins         



This woman's a breath of fresh air!                         
A female with come in her hair!                             
Who digs sex and shows it --                                
Who licks it and blows it --                                
And then writes all about it with flair!                    
                                                            
69496 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Writerman                



There are men here forming a queue                          
To do things that men like to do.                           
They queue at my door;                                      
Each day there are more;                                    
I'm sure I could spare one or two!                          
                                                            
69497 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Anon                     



Steer clear of Big Sal in from Dallas,                      
For she'll wear down the mightiest phallus.                 
Her concupiscent yen                                        
Enervates lusty men                                         
With unwholesome delight and low malice.                    
                                                            
69498 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Grand Prix Lim  218      



There was a young girl named O'Grady,                       
'Twas rumored that she was no lady.                         
But she proved there and then                               
She knew hundreds of men,                                   
Who vowed nothing in her sex was shady.                     
                                                            
69499 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Albin Chaplin            



I've learned this from life on the farm:                    
A lass loves a gentleman's charm,                           
And she's always thrilled                                   
To have her ass filled                                      
With spunk -- just as long as it's warm!                    
                                                            
69500 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST                                 



A man who was classy and haughty,                           
Loved a girl who was sassy and bawdy.                       
She liked her sex hot,                                      
But, alas, he did not.                                      
So they compromised, and merely were naughty.               
                                                            
69501 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Anon                     



A lady whose figure was ample                               
Gave her bounteous goodies to sample.                       
The experience? Thrilling!                                  
So wet...warm...and willing...                              
Those big girls set quite an example.                       
                                                            
69502 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Writerman                



Those tricks of yours are fantastic,                        
Amazingly hot and gymnastic!                                
You've tickled my wurst,                                    
Till I'm ready to burst.                                    
Do your petals react like elastic?                          
                                                            
69503 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Rose                           
Whose life was a perpetual pose.                            
She was told by her dad                                     
She should never be bad,                                    
But she was -- from her head to her toes.                   
                                                            
69504 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Arthur Pattaffy          



A sweet little nymph name of Duff,                          
Of men she could not get enough.                            
At least ten she retired                                    
And five more had expired.                                  
They discovered the going too rough.                        
                                                            
69505 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Albin Chaplin            



An acrobat lady named Hope                                  
Gave a show for the King and the Pope.                      
She performed on stiff pricks                               
And she did far more tricks                                 
Than a monkey could do on a rope.                           
                                                            
69506 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Albin Chaplin   3024-2112



Miss Emmeline Pilkington-Smythe                             
Is wondrously supple and lithe;                             
Her sexual games,                                           
With fiance James,                                          
She finds most exceedingly blithe.                          
                                                            
69507 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST                                 



The career of a man in Topeka                               
As a chauvinist stud and self-seeker,                       
Was exploded one night                                      
When his girl put him right                                 
As to which of the sexes was weaker.                        
                                                            
69508 WOMEN - EXPERT - ROBUST        Keith MacMillan     A052B



Every year an old lady named Fannister                      
Gives her neighbors an axle-grease cannister                
On the morning of Easter,                                   
And after they've greased her,                              
They measure her time down the bannister.                   
                                                            
69509 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Cyber Geezer             



The wife of the neighborhood minister                       
Thinks sliding on Easter is sinister,                       
So she did it in Winter;                                    
She slid, hit a splinter,                                   
And found it had slightly diminished her.                   
                                                            
69510 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



I once was in love with Bess Yocum                          
Who loved when her breasts, I would stroke 'em.             
And I often did                                             
When I was a kid,                                           
And many times suck 'em and soak 'em.                       
                                                            
69511 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Gearhart                 



And then on my birthday, Beth Yocum,                        
Would fondle my balls and she'd stroke 'em.                 
She'd tit-fuck my meat                                      
To orgasm complete,                                         
As on chin and breasts I would blow cum.                    
                                                            
69512 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Gearhart                 



Her hair is the finest of brown;                            
She's tall, thin, and very uptown.                          
She comes with one lick;                                    
She likes long and thick.                                   
Her cunny grips all the way down.                           
                                                            
69513 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       H Welchel                



So if my old girlfriend you see,                            
(A yank in Paree, Karen B.)                                 
Please tell her I'm well,                                   
And miss her like Hell,                                     
And kill her frog husband for me!                           
                                                            
69514 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       H Welchel                



I like to date ladies near fifty,                           
When they're a bit slender, not hefty.                      
And they know what to do                                    
When they're having a screw;                                
The ones who are strong, smart and thrifty.                 
                                                            
69515 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Charles deTampa          



And I like them twenty or forty,                            
Or thirty as long as they're sporty.                        
And ladies of fifty?                                        
Of course they are nifty,                                   
But age is no bar if they're naughty.                       
                                                            
69516 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Peter W                  



Hey folks, I have come here to please you.                  
You guys, I will hug you and sqeeze you.                    
And you girlies so sweet,                                   
Get a nice little treat                                     
And learn things which can only Louise do!                  
                                                            
69517 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Eva Bekker               



Louise, will you take me in hand,                           
Although I'm the least of this band.                        
I lust for your charms,                                     
Your thighs and your arms --                                
Ich liebe ein Frau von Deutschlund.                         
                                                            
69518 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Archie                   



The ladies from Deutschland are best,                       
Be it north or south, east or else west.                    
They can be quite obscene                                   
If you know what I mean,                                    
And their loving skills stand every test.                   
                                                            
69519 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Archie                   



The ladies of Munich and Bonn                               
Are nicest when they've nothing on.                         
With me in their bed                                        
And giving them head,                                       
They're arching their necks like a swan.                    
                                                            
69520 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Archie                   



Well, I'm not from Munich nor Bonn                          
And surely I've got clothes on,                             
Because it's damn cold                                      
In this Europe of old;                                      
Of sweaters I brought just a ton.                           
                                                            
69521 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Eva Bekker               



I'm waiting for more sunny weather.                         
May then, if we get together,                               
I might drop one by one                                     
All clothes that I have on;                                 
All I'll wear won't be more than a feather.                 
                                                            
69522 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Eva Bekker               



I welcome the lovely Louise                                 
And tender my bid for a squeeze.                            
But let me say this,                                        
Although I may miss,                                        
I really am aiming to please.                               
                                                            
69523 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       SFA                      



You're aiming to please -- Oh how nice!                     
So listen (I won't tell you twice!),                        
Take a bath and a shave                                     
After that, please behave                                   
Like a slave and accept my advice.                          
                                                            
69524 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Eva Bekker               



Although you might hunger and thirst                        
For my passion, you must do this first:                     
Buy me dresses and frills                                   
And top all my bills;                                       
Then in passion, our love might just burst.                 
                                                            
69525 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Eva Bekker               



Why Miss, you're no more than a tease                       
Whose heart's in the grip of a freeze.                      
Your motive is clear.                                       
So, I'm out of here,                                        
Before I am brought to my knees.                            
                                                            
69526 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       SFA                      



Well, I was just testing, you know,                         
How far you were willing to go.                             
I don't like men who pay                                    
For a little hot play.                                      
You passed the test, I like you, so:                        
                                                            
69527 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Eva Bekker               



Come over and sit by my side;                               
I'm here with my arms open wide.                            
You might get a few kisses                                  
From this lovely Missus;                                    
From you I have nothing to hide.                            
                                                            
69528 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Eva Bekker               



It is irritating as hell,                                   
Limericking to impress my gal.                              
Her English is bad --                                       
Annoying a tad --                                           
But she makes up for it real well.                          
                                                            
69529 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



Breasts small but quite firm and erect;                     
Muscles well toned and those select                         
Places are thrilling,                                       
Warm, tight and willing;                                    
Making bed-time a nice prospect.                            
                                                            
69530 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



I'm also proud of my own feat                               
To place my cell room's only seat                           
Where without a hap,                                        
She sits on my lap                                          
Away from my bed by three feet.                             
                                                            
69531 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



So without much further ado,                                
I must bid you all quick adieu.                             
Presently I must                                            
Go to her and just                                          
Undress her and kiss her and screw.                         
                                                            
69532 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



All hail to the female sublime,                             
Timeless beauty beyond her springtime;                      
We salute the fair sex,                                     
And her ways that perplex,                                  
Subtle mystery exalted in rhyme.                            
                                                            
69533 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Joel D Ash          P0204



Wondrous mixture of pepper and salt,                        
Brown doe eyes and bluest cobalt;                           
Often weak, often strong,                                   
Queen of sweet siren song,                                  
Treasured deep in her partner's heart vault.                
                                                            
69534 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Joel D Ash          P0204



Charming lady to whom hats are doffed,                      
With virtues that man holds aloft;                          
Her favors oft sought,                                      
Delight when she's caught,                                  
Womanhood so curvaceous and soft.                           
                                                            
69535 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Joel D Ash          P0204



Fierce lioness protecting her young,                        
With moments she waxes high strung;                         
Don't mess with her then,                                   
More than equal of men,                                     
Heroine of whom ballads are sung.                           
                                                            
69536 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Joel D Ash          P0204



Midst the perfume of Chinese jasmine,                       
Perfect balance of yang and the yin;                        
The earth seen maternal,                                    
Shy maiden eternal,                                         
Night dreams of an old mandarin.                            
                                                            
69537 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Joel D Ash          P0204



In Crewe I attended a function                              
Not far from the old railway junction,                      
But found me a lass                                         
That had little class,                                      
And even had lesser compunction.                            
                                                            
69538 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       SFA                      



Reminds me of Josie's in Stockton,                          
A sex factory.  Once I had clocked on,                      
Then Josie gave you,                                        
A two minute screw.                                         
Then clamped her legs and never focked on.                  
                                                            
69539 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES       Tiddy Ogg                



This I learned about the birds and bees:                    
A woman always should try to please                         
Her sweet lover-man                                         
Anyway that she can,                                        
Cheri, it's just not right to tease.                        
                                                            
69540 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



You give all us girls a bad name,                           
When you play that kind of game --                          
But when you treat 'em good,                                
(The way that you should!)                                  
You'll find that they'll treat you the same!                
                                                            
69541 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



There was a young girl with a bust,                         
Who knew way too much about lust.                           
She would go for a walk                                     
And then go and stalk                                       
Some poor guy who gave her his trust.                       
                                                            
69542 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



The real reason she kicked up dust,                         
And stalked those poor guys in disgust,                     
Was that she was mad                                        
Because every lad                                           
Gave "trust" -- but would not her twat THRUST!              
                                                            
69543 WOMEN - EXPERT - ZSERIES                                



A hearty young gent came from Stow                          
To woo a young lass in the snow.                            
In the midst of their bliss,                                
She needed to piss.                                         
That's rough when it's twenty below.                        
                                                            
69544 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



This bade ill for the brave gent from Stow,                 
And his further existence was woe.                          
Though he made her his wife,                                
She was frigid for life.                                    
Love is tough when it's zero below.                         
                                                            
69545 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



The frigid old Duchess of Gloucester                        
Once hired a gigolo named Foster.                           
She was fucked by this pro                                  
Seven weeks in a row--                                      
It took nearly a month to defrost her.                      
                                                            
69546 WOMEN - FRIGID                                     G1797



There was a young lady from Dumfries,                       
Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!               
My navel's all bare,                                        
So stick it in there,                                       
Before my legs and my bum freeze."                          
                                                            
69547 WOMEN - FRIGID                                          



A frigid young maiden carefree                              
Makes love on her outdoor settee.                           
In winter or fall                                           
There's plenty for all                                      
And her plumbing is always frost-free.                      
                                                            
69548 WOMEN - FRIGID                 The Sailor          P0307



This year's resolutions will cover                          
The deep feelings I have for my lover.                      
If she refuses to fuck                                      
On my terrace -- bad luck --                                
I'll still give her a kiss...Then I'll shove her!           
                                                            
69549 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Writerman                



Lucinda's in tub with her loofah,                           
And sticks the thing right up her doofah.                   
And why this strange sex?                                   
Most men she rejects,                                       
And each one she dates is a poofah.                         
                                                            
69550 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Tiddy Ogg                



Said the madam to salesman McNish,                          
"You can choose from my girls, if you wish."                
But the salesman replied,                                   
"How I miss my dear bride!                                  
Have you got something cold as a fish?"                     
                                                            
69551 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Albin Chaplin            



A frigid young lady named Bryce                             
Thought sex just a low form of vice,                        
Till she met Captain Baker,                                 
Who had sailed an icebreaker,                               
And he plowed a wide path through her ice.                  
                                                            
69552 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Albin Chaplin 3024  G0537



Observed an old lady named Dee,                             
"My man's become dead as can be;                            
In the sexual arts,                                         
He's got no moving parts --                                 
At least they no longer move me."                           
                                                            
69553 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Armand E Singer       731



I know a young belle from Bordeaux                          
Whose passions are froid and not chaud;                     
An organ that's hot                                         
Would shrivel her twat--                                    
And icicle's more a propos.                                 
                                                            
69554 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Norm Storer              



While having with his wife, coition,                        
The hubby jumped up with cognition.                         
And he cried, "Oh my dear,                                  
I have hurt you I fear,                                     
For I felt a slight change in position."                    
                                                            
69555 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Albin Chaplin   3024-0090



From hopping 'round in their undies,                        
You'd think that these ladies would freeze.                 
The men think they're hot                                   
But really they're not.                                     
I know because I saw one sneeze.                            
                                                            
69556 WOMEN - FRIGID                                          



A girl whose appeal was facial,                             
When jilted, thought it was racial.                         
But he never ran                                            
Because of her tan.                                         
The truth: In bed she was glacial.                          
                                                            
69557 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Paul Westwood       P9607



An arctic explorer named Flo,                               
When endangered said, "Go with the flow."                   
That she clung to this creed                                
Was what helped her succeed                                 
In surviving, shipwrecked, on a floe.                       
                                                            
69558 WOMEN - FRIGID                 John Sandler        P9112



A pretentious young fellow from Brandon                     
Thought ceremony nothing to stand on.                       
But the girl he accosted                                    
Remarked, somewhat frosted,                                 
"Take your hand off what you got your hand on."             
                                                            
69559 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Hugh Oliver           81a



At bedtime, the fat Sultan said,                            
"This tail-picking session I dread...                       
Though I know some are not,                                 
They all try to look hot,                                   
And I end up with a cold one, instead."                     
                                                            
69560 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Grand Prix Lim   77      



The frigid old Duchess named Foster,                        
Was fucked by the Grand Duke of Gloucester.                 
She was fucked by this pro                                  
For ten weeks in a row,                                     
As it took all that time to defrost her.                    
                                                            
69561 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2057



My boyfriend thinks he's such a stud,                       
He really is such a crud.                                   
If his ardor's not cool,                                    
He'll be tossed in the pool,                                
And that ought to nip that in the bud!                      
                                                            
69562 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Ardens                   



A timid young farmgirl of Yea                               
Was too shy to pet in the hay.                              
When a youth asked her out,                                 
She was silent with doubt,                                  
And couldn't say yea, stay or nay.                          
                                                            
69563 WOMEN - FRIGID                 Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



Sat next to an old crone at lunch;                          
She mashed with her gums a whole bunch.                     
She kissed the young waiter                                 
Who wanted to date her.                                     
He's after her money...my hunch!                            
                                                            
69564 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Travis Brasell           



Lady F. is a frigid gold-digger,                            
Who suffers from 'mortis de rigor'.                         
So cold she scares mice,                                    
Her sucking on ice,                                         
Doesn't melt the cube, but makes it bigger.                 
                                                            
69565 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Chumley                  



Though a charming young lady named Vi                       
Appeared to be terribly shy,                                
Her boyfriends all state                                    
When she breaks a date,                                     
It's by going out with the guy.                             
                                                            
69566 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           A. N. Wilkins       P8405



Now Lisa's an experienced crowd tease;                      
She covers her curves and her knees.                        
If you want to see more,                                    
Best be rich and not poor,                                  
'Cause diamonds and pearls are what please.                 
                                                            
69567 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS                                    



A quick-witted lassie named Pleasance                       
Found men were aroused by her presence;                     
A trait she parlayed                                        
Into rich stock-in-trade.                                   
She wears diamonds and dines upon pheasants.                
                                                            
69568 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           John E Maywood           



A woman most gorgeously stacked                             
Thought screwing a glorious act.                            
So for finding a niche                                      
For those who were rich,                                    
She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked.                     
                                                            
69569 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Isaac Asimov             



A haughty young lady from Butte                             
Thought herself excessively cute.                           
She tossed her blonde curls                                 
In disdain at the girls,                                    
And followed the man with the loot.                         
                                                            
69570 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Marteena Hammar     P9302



My sister, she looks like a saint,                          
But I tell you now that she ain't.                          
She's a sly scheming bitch,                                 
Just with blokes who are rich;                              
Guess the color the town she will paint.                    
                                                            
69571 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Funny Bone               



There once was a man from Batavia,                          
Who said to his girl, "I'm a slave to ya'!"                 
Now this was no joke;                                       
In a month he was broke,                                    
So he went home to Mom in Centralia.                        
                                                            
69572 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Sahollar           TP9804



While shopping, the old master bard                         
Caught her eye as he strolled passed her yard.              
She just had to know him,                                   
But it wasn't his poem,                                     
'Twas the glint of his Gold Mastercard.                     
                                                            
69573 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Mark Jordan              



Spending's her favorite past-time,                          
As long's what she's spending is mine.                      
I get screwed each day                                      
In more than one way,                                       
And I also enjoy 69.                                        
                                                            
69574 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Gearhart                 



Shopping gets here in the mood,                             
To do things improper and crude.                            
But, alas, all my cash                                      
Is leaving me fast                                          
And soon she'll be leaving me too.                          
                                                            
69575 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Gearhart                 



Beware of the Gold digger clan;                             
Their women have only one plan.                             
Like the mantis they prey                                   
On funds 'til the day                                       
When your credit's not worth a damn.                        
                                                            
69576 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Gearhart                 



Reminds me of Anna Nicole,                                  
Whose husband is dead, rest his soul;                       
She was a young stripper;                                   
He was an old tipper:                                       
Left her billions for shining his pole!                     
                                                            
69577 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Travis Brasell           



Firm and full in his pants (she HAD checked)                
Bulged the object she yearned to inspect.                   
So her hand slipped inside                                  
To caressingly slide,                                       
Out his...wallet.  What did you expect?                     
                                                            
69578 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Anon                     



So honey, how was your day?                                 
And now give me all of your pay,                            
As I have to go shopping,                                   
The floor needs mopping,                                    
So have fun while I am away.                                
                                                            
69579 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Funny Bone               



Dear sweetheart on Valentine's Day,                         
Thanks for the card and bouquet.                            
Oh, and the ring,                                           
(Can't forget that thing)                                   
It's gold, but how many k?                                  
                                                            
69580 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Patty P                  



Television for better or worse:                             
Multi-millionaire weds a nurse.                             
But their honeymoon cruise                                  
Couldn't light any fuse,                                    
So she keeps her love, he his purse.                        
                                                            
69581 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Prof M-G                 



There was a sharecropper named Hopper                       
Who had a nice wife but did swap her                        
For a sexy show-stopper,                                    
Whose attire was improper,                                  
And she left poor old Hopper a pauper.                      
                                                            
69582 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Albin Chaplin   3024-2619



A keen stamp collector is Natalie.                          
Acquaintances speculate cattily,                            
"Most covetous girls                                        
Yield for diamonds and pearls,                              
Why did Natalie fall for philately?"                        
                                                            
69583 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           John Dole           P9605



If you want to win my heart,                                
A Jewelry Store is the place to start.                      
Candy is dandy.                                             
But if you want me randy,                                   
It's diamonds and gemstones, you fart.                      
                                                            
69584 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS                                    



There was a young girl of Pretoria,                         
Whose sins became gorier and gorier,                        
Till she found that by prayer,                              
(And some savoir-faire,)                                    
She could live in the Waldorf Astoria.                      
                                                            
69585 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Jim Weaver Collection    



Although he was feeble and doddering,                       
"Please kiss me," the geezer was muttering.                 
"You're so old and dotty,                                   
But still, I'll be naughty,"                                
Said she, "Only if you've brought the ring."                
                                                            
69586 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Gary Hallock             



There was a young lady named Garrett                        
Who was wined in a penthouse with claret.                   
Before she could blink,                                     
She had earned her a mink,                                  
And a diamond of twenty-four karat.                         
                                                            
69587 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Albin Chaplin            



A pregnant gold digger named Diener,                        
Caught taking her mark to the cleaner,                      
Turned the jury to jelly                                    
By pleading her belly,                                      
And got off with a mere misdemeanor.                        
                                                            
69588 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Armand E Singer      1001



"Of course I won't charge you," said she,                   
"I do it for love, not for fee.                             
(But you haven't a chance                                   
To get into my pants                                        
If your will's not made over to me.)"                       
                                                            
69589 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           John Miller 0091         



Sweet Francoise worked as a chanteuse,                      
At riverside bars on the Meuse.                             
When stage work was done,                                   
She'd give the lads fun;                                    
So now she wears diamonds and feuse.                        
                                                            
69590 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young person of Mullion,                        
Intent upon marrying bullion;                               
By some horrible fluke,                                     
She jilted a duke,                                          
And had to elope with a scullion.                           
                                                            
69591 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Penguin Dictionary  P2005



A modern young lady called Honey,                           
Married for love -- she loved money!                        
Her man told her one day,                                   
Their bills they could not pay.                             
She packed up and thought it not funny.                     
                                                            
69592 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Arthur Pattaffy          



A sensible man known as Guy,                                
One day asked his young bride, Miss Vi,                     
When she would be stopping                                  
Her impulsive shopping,                                     
And she said that she would, buy and buy.                   
                                                            
69593 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Margaret A. Murdock P8311



There was a young fellow in Denver,                         
Whose girl said he always could send her,                   
But she didn't mean sex,                                    
She meant diamonds or checks,                               
Or a Rolls-Royce, which wouldn't offend her.                
                                                            
69594 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Warrick Elrod            



But this I can say of you girls,                            
Who extract from us diamonds and pearls,                    
You are slow to re-buff,                                    
When we're eating your muff,                                
Or our manhood is wedged 'twixt your curls.                 
                                                            
69595 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Tim Fisher               



A starry-eyed starlet named Charlotte                       
Said: "Hollywood! Home of the harlot,                       
Where cute split-tail bitches                               
Take a quick ride to riches,                                
If their sins are sufficiently scarlet!"                    
                                                            
69596 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Grand Prix Lim  945 G0547



She fluttered her eyelashes sweetly;                        
We slipped from the party discreetly;                       
Then at the first chance,                                   
Put her hand in my pants,                                   
And fled with my wallet most fleetly.                       
                                                            
69597 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Tiddy Ogg                



Your wallet I found, Tiddy dear,                            
Was empty of money, I fear.                                 
I feel very sad                                             
That you were not "had".                                    
My sympathy, it is sincere.                                 
                                                            
69598 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Bonnie                   



I will, if you give me a chance,                            
Put your wallet back into your pants.                       
If you give a wink,                                         
I quickly will think                                        
Of talents to share with your lance.                        
                                                            
69599 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Bonnie                   



A sporting young co-ed named Stacy,                         
Whose taste in clothes runs to things lacy,                 
Likes beautiful horses,                                     
As well as new Porsches.                                    
No wonder she's thought of as racy.                         
                                                            
69600 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Macsam                   



"It's Sunday and time for a shag",                          
Thought old Bill as he looked at the hag                    
He had married last year                                    
And decided, "No fear;                                      
I'll just look at my favorite mag."                         
                                                            
69601 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Peter Wilkins            



He sat there in bed turning pages                           
Of girlies undressing in stages;                            
But naught stirred below                                    
In his jimjams although                                     
He kept cranking his dongle for ages.                       
                                                            
69602 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Peter Wilkins            



"Haha!" said his wife, "You can't do it.                    
You're limp as a lump of wet suet."                         
Said Bill, "Yes indeed;                                     
But your help I might need                                  
For it's weeks, nay it's months since you blew it."         
                                                            
69603 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Peter Wilkins            



"And what if I do that for you?"                            
She said beating his dong black and blue                    
With a chainsaw and whip;                                   
"I will not even grip                                       
It. I can't stand the sight of your goo."                   
                                                            
69604 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Peter Wilkins            



"My dearest, I'm ninety years old;                          
I need suction to stop growing cold."                       
"But I need nothing penile",                                
She said, "You're too senile;                               
I married you merely for gold."                             
                                                            
69605 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Peter Wilkins            



"I'll sit here and watch as you crank                       
Up your dongle all Sunday; go wank                          
'Til you gasp your last breath                              
And then after your death,                                  
I shall smile all the way to the bank."                     
                                                            
69606 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Peter Wilkins            



At twenty, the girls would say "No!"                        
At thirty, I got the heave-ho.                              
At forty and fifty,                                         
They thought I was nifty;                                   
At sixty, they look for cash flow.                          
                                                            
69607 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Al Willis                



I've decided to look for a fellow;                          
Don't care if he's white, black, or yellow,                 
But his daddy must toil                                     
For a living, in oil,                                       
To give me a life that is mellow!                           
                                                            
69608 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Jean Fox                 



I want a kind man who will care,                            
As together our life we will share.                         
So come, get in touch;                                      
It's surely not much                                        
To ask of a millionaire.                                    
                                                            
69609 WOMEN - GOLD DIGGERS           Tiddy Ogg                



I like to go traveling each year,                           
To places both far and near.                                
This summer I'll be bumming                                 
'Round a town they call Cumming.  (small town in Iowa, USA) 
The girls there are easy, I hear.                           
                                                            
69610 WOMEN - HORNY                  Gearhart                 



It pains me that I am still looking                         
For a female to help with the cooking;                      
Who responds with affection                                 
At each new erection --                                     
Now there's an act that's worth booking!                    
                                                            
69611 WOMEN - HORNY                  Writerman                



There once was a damsel quite middling,                     
Whose interests soared above piddling.                      
She loved masturbation,                                     
Adored titillation,                                         
And fucking and screwing and diddling.                      
                                                            
69612 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G2168



A lusty blond bombshell named Dwire,                        
Whose loins burn with carnal desire,                        
Is so hot to trot                                           
And show what she's got,                                    
She now touts her stats in a flyer.                         
                                                            
69613 WOMEN - HORNY                  Armand E Singer     P9902



"I'm beat," said a fellow named Fry,                        
"I can't even lick my girl's thigh.                         
I don't mean to deride her                                  
But she's much like a spider,                               
For she's constantly after my fly.                          
                                                            
69614 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0162



There were two young ladies named Pakenham,                 
Who often let Harry and Jack in 'em.                        
And when they were through,                                 
For something to do,                                        
They would finger their cunts and start whackin' 'em.       
                                                            
69615 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The widow appeared to be grieving,                          
But after the wake, she'd be leaving                        
With a widower, Ray,                                        
Who she'd lusted to lay;                                    
Her demeanor was highly deceiving.                          
                                                            
69616 WOMEN - HORNY                  Cap'n Bean          P0312



Poor Peter, a fellow from Fleet,                            
Was misunderstood and thought sweet.                        
But his dreams were infested                                
With giant big-breasted                                     
Young maidens, all after his meat.                          
                                                            
69617 WOMEN - HORNY                  Lucy                     



My wife is a glorious lay,                                  
She'll take it in any old way.                              
You may bugger and French her,                              
Or fuck her and drench her                                  
Hot womb with your genital spray.                           
                                                            
69618 WOMEN - HORNY                  Clement Wood        G0739



A fragrant old lady name Wells                              
Said life with no man is two hells.                         
So she said, "I'll go look ;                                
And I'll find me a schnook,                                 
And I don't care how badly he smells."                      
                                                            
69619 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0777



When I feel that itch start to call me,                     
How I yearn for a man who will ball me.                     
A dick is so right;                                         
My pussy is tight.                                          
My day can then end feeling balmy.                          
                                                            
69620 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The owner was heard to vociferate:                          
"She's not on the menu to titillate!"                       
But she always says "Yes!"                                  
That horny waitress.                                        
So the Oysters were not nearly all I ate.                   
                                                            
69621 WOMEN - HORNY                  OgniGioia                



With a girl, in about '63,                                  
I went for the Beatles to see.                              
She was very charming,                                      
But her lust was alarming;                                  
She pretty near raped little me.                            
                                                            
69622 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



I know a girl named Jamie R.,                               
Whose lifestyle's a little bizzare.                         
She will not wear hats,                                     
And she's nuts about cats,                                  
And her bedroom door's always ajar.                         
                                                            
69623 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Wanted: a new type of man;                                  
Not a plain old Tom, John, or Dan,                          
With a skull not so thick                                   
And a big honking dick                                      
So to please me like no other can!                          
                                                            
69624 WOMEN - HORNY                  H Myers                  



The daughter of old preacher Brown,                         
From a place they called New Fredrickstown,                 
Was quite prim in the pew,                                  
But the town folk all knew                                  
If you'd blow in her ear, she'd go down.                    
                                                            
69625 WOMEN - HORNY                  Bob Birch                



There once was a saucy young lass,                          
Whom none of the sailors could pass.                        
She'd board every ship                                      
And her skirts up she'd flip,                               
And their gang-planks she'd let board her ass.              
                                                            
69626 WOMEN - HORNY                  Straydog                 



There once was a lady got Knighted                          
And the rite got her highly excited,                        
So she snatched her a boy                                   
'Cause she wanted a toy,                                    
And the squire had a sword that delighted.                  
                                                            
69627 WOMEN - HORNY                  Debi                     



The girl that Joe loves simply must                         
Have a large and a resilent bust,                           
A blouse that is sheer,                                     
A generous rear,                                            
And a very low threshold of lust.                           
                                                            
69628 WOMEN - HORNY                  Isaac Asimov             



Her eyes, they did sparkle with glee;                       
Transfixed 'twixt me navel and knee.                        
I asked her "What's wrong?"                                 
She said: "Honey, I long                                    
For that bulge where your manhood should be."               
                                                            
69629 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



The sheikh's only daughter, called Di,                      
Loves by day to ride camels and lie                         
Every night with her dozens                                 
Of brothers and cousins;                                    
No wonder she's shaped like a Y.                            
(verb should be lay - McW)                                  
69630 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There was a young girl of Navarre,                          
Who was frightfully fond of a tar.                          
When she followed him over                                  
From Calais to Dover,                                       
Her friends cried, "That's going too far!"                  
                                                            
69631 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



The virginal nature of Donner                               
Had for many long years been a goner.                       
When asked why she screwed,                                 
She replied, "Gratitude,                                    
Politeness -- and just 'cause I wanner.                     
                                                            
69632 WOMEN - HORNY                  Isaac Asimov             



Lady Pym, when asked, would she be chaste,                  
Screamed, "Yes!", with great gusto anad haste.              
But the vicar's pleased smile                               
Would have faded the while,                                 
Had he known that she thought he said 'chased.'             
                                                            
69633 WOMEN - HORNY                  Warrick Elrod            



There was a young lady in tune                              
With every fine phase of the moon.                          
When squeezed 'twixt her knees,                             
It looked like head cheese,                                 
The site of which then made her swoon.                      
                                                            
69634 WOMEN - HORNY                  Arden                    



Said the young and athletic Miss Berry,                     
When asked why she's always so merry,                       
"I take part is all sorts                                   
Of amateur sports,                                          
But my favorite is losing my cherry."                       
                                                            
69635 WOMEN - HORNY                  Ceejay                   



The lumberman's daughter, they say,                         
Appeared somewhat splintered away,                          
For her motto, she said,                                    
When she climbed into bed,                                  
Was to let the chips fall where they may.                   
                                                            
69636 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0753



She said, "I remember the days                              
When you had such charming ways.                            
When you were a stud,                                       
Instead of a spud,                                          
And chips weren't the only lays."                           
(Frito-lay potato chips in U.S.)                            
69637 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The neighbor's security light                               
Shined into my bedroom last night.                          
That means some lil' bimbo                                  
Just climbed in his window,                                 
And gave my poor neighbor a fright.                         
                                                            
69638 WOMEN - HORNY                  Marlene Lewis            



Another young lady named Munger                             
Said, "Since I've been fifteen or younger,                  
I've relished a poke                                        
From a nice naked smoke.                                    
It's perfect for clitoris hunger."                          
                                                            
69639 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G0704



There once was a girl from Kentucky,                        
If you date her, you're sure to get lucky.                  
He thighs won't stay shut,                                  
Not to mention her butt.                                    
And all she can say is "Come fuck me!"                      
                                                            
69640 WOMEN - HORNY                  Richard Long             



From Penobscot in Maine to Grant's Pass,                    
One finds many a girl in the grass,                         
Donating for free                                           
What undoubtedly she                                        
Could exchange for hard cash, on her ass.                   
                                                            
69641 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G1800



When your hormones are running amuck,                       
And your panties feel twisted and stuck,                    
Then how do you deal                                        
With the heat that you feel,                                
If there's no one around you can fuck?                      
                                                            
69642 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There was a young girl from Peru,                           
Who badly wanted a screw.                                   
She tried a broom-handle,                                   
The end of a candle,                                        
But a man is what she ought to do.                          
                                                            
69643 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There's a question designed to perplex:                     
When a woman asks "Do you want sex?"                        
That's kind of like askin'                                  
"Does Robbins know Baskin"                                  
Or "Do you know a Slinky can flex?"                         
                                                            
69644 WOMEN - HORNY                  Wildman             T9711



At a picnic at Gramercy Park,                               
She was had by an evil old snark.                           
She cried, "How uncouth!                                    
But to tell you the truth,                                  
I really came out for a lark..."                            
                                                            
69645 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  309      



An amorous poet called Joe                                  
Went down on a woman called Bo.                             
She arrived fifteen times                                   
While he murmured soft rhymes,                              
Then she left: Easy come, easy go!                          
                                                            
69646 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



I could use a cigar from Havana,                            
Or a big ripe yellow banana.                                
If I don't find a pole                                      
To fill up this hole,                                       
I might even consider a man-a!                              
                                                            
69647 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



A neurotic girl from Kilbane,                               
Once fucked every man on a train.                           
"My nerves, it will cure;                                   
But can I endure,                                           
The boredom of being too sane?"                             
                                                            
69648 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady of Andover,                          
And the boys used to ask her to hand over                   
Her sexual favor,                                           
Which she did (May God save her!)                           
For her morals she had no command over.                     
                                                            
69649 WOMEN - HORNY                                      L0806



He taught his old dog to do tricks;                         
The result was a temporal fix.                              
He was such a good master;                                  
His daughter learned faster                                 
With Harrys, with Toms, and with Dicks.                     
                                                            
69650 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



My hormones are in an upheaval;                             
I feel like a wobbly weevil.                                
My nerves are on edge;                                      
Panties in a wedge.                                         
My thoughts are deliciously evil.                           
                                                            
69651 WOMEN - HORNY                  Carol                    



An oft-married actress from Cannes                          
Was known for her men and her tan.                          
Alone she awoke,                                            
Stretched slowly and spoke:                                 
"It's good to feel like a new man."                         
                                                            
69652 WOMEN - HORNY                  Macsam                   



I'm an old bitchy woman, it's true,                         
And there's no eggs to get with their glue.                 
They can shoot what they got                                
If they find the G-spot;                                    
At eighteen, most don't have a clue.                        
                                                            
69653 WOMEN - HORNY                  Kathi Webster            



The carnal desires of Miss Hyers                            
Are assuaged by young firemen at fires.                     
She remarked, "Goodness knows,                              
Firemen all have a hose,                                    
Which is all a gal really requires!"                        
                                                            
69654 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  621      



There was a young lady named King,                          
A sweet and adorable thing.                                 
She did nothing at all                                      
In the winter and fall,                                     
But she sure had a fling in the spring.                     
                                                            
69655 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin            



Said a much-diddled dolly named Gissing:                    
"Virgins don't know what their missing!                     
Though I'm not very lewd,                                   
I enjoy being screwed--                                     
That's what a cunt's for, besides pissing."                 
                                                            
69656 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G1556



When done with my chores I will sit                         
And rest or, perhaps, take my shit-                         
Zus, collies and labs,                                      
To see neighbor Babs,                                       
Who treats us old dogs to her clit.                         
                                                            
69657 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



A sister who lived in a cloister,                           
Went in search of the pearl in the oyster:                  
This innocent girl                                          
Soon located the pearl,                                     
And the oyster got hotter and moister!                      
                                                            
69658 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



A bus driver, once monkey fishin',                          
Put a sign on his bus, "FREE COITION."                      
From lake to seaside                                        
Women came for the ride,                                    
And Boy! Did he strip his transmission!                     
                                                            
69659 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  469      



The cunthole in cute Miss McWright                          
Is not only juicy and tight,                                
It is FREE man; it's FREE!                                  
Which is why you'll find me                                 
Inside Miss McWright every night.                           
                                                            
69660 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G1828



A girl from the Ottawa Valley                               
Can be either snooty or pally,                              
She's as cold as all heck,                                  
On the promenade deck,                                      
But get her alone in the galley!                            
                                                            
69661 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



The beautiful Angie Malone                                  
Insists she was raped on the phone,                         
With no great resistance                                    
By a guy on long distance...                                
Would I like to get Angie alone!                            
                                                            
69662 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  858      



This big-breasted girl from D.C.                            
Was famous for being easy.                                  
Her tits, she would flash 'em,                              
And let the boys mash 'em,                                  
Then get into their white BVD's                             
                                                            
69663 WOMEN - HORNY                  Laurence Craft           



When out with young girls on a date,                        
Remain calm and be cool and sedate.                         
When they badger, don't flinch --                           
If you give in an inch,                                     
They'll proceed to take seven or eight.                     
                                                            
69664 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0430



There was a young lass at the lakeshore,                    
Who'd lie in the shallows and implore                       
The Gods of the Sea                                         
To roll up past her knee,                                   
Her personal shoreline to explore.                          
                                                            
69665 WOMEN - HORNY                  Dublew Ardee             



In the underbrush, down by the creek,                       
Horny men twiddled Hepzibah's tweek.                        
"Such a mishap," she cried,                                 
"Makes me wish I'd a died!"                                 
But she keeps going back every week!                        
                                                            
69666 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  553      



I never turn down a good lay,                               
But this ain't no gang bang AA.                             
I'm shy and demure,                                         
And wholesomely pure,                                       
But don't mind a little fourplay.                           
                                                            
69667 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



A girl had an itch in her muff,                             
That caused her to strip to the buff,                       
To scratch where it itched,                                 
While she fumed and she bitched.                            
For that itch her hand's not enough.                        
                                                            
69668 WOMEN - HORNY                  ROE                      



On a date with a girl, a young Easterner,                   
He had thought he would have a fine feast on her.           
When came time for the ride,                                
'Twas like Jekyll and Hyde --                               
He had roused a most hideous beast in her.                  
                                                            
69669 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2030



A silly young woman named Treadwell                         
Went out to confession and said, "Well,                     
My morals are loose,                                        
But I have an excuse,                                       
For God didn't screw on my head well.                       
                                                            
69670 WOMEN - HORNY                  William K. Alsop    P9209



Now I am having to finger my hole;                          
See I haven't a man with a pole.                            
No one with a wick                                          
In my fanny to stick,   (Brit fanny = snatch)               
And fingering ain't good for the soul!                      
                                                            
69671 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There was a young lady of learning,                         
In matters of sex was discerning.                           
She affirmed a desire                                       
For a man with some fire,                                   
Who would help keep the home fires burning.                 
                                                            
69672 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0240



Woe is me, for my husband I'm missing;                      
I long for some loving and kissing.                         
The thing on my car hood                                    
Is starting to look good,                                   
But I'll wait 'cause the radiator's hissing.                
                                                            
69673 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jeanie                   



The mere sight of horny Miss Pringle                        
Causes male genitalia to tingle.                            
Every cocksman in town                                      
Has roped that girl down --                                 
We all hope to hell she stays single.                       
                                                            
69674 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G0723



A voluptuous maiden of Queens,                              
As she passed through her turbulent teens,                  
Grew incredibly cool                                        
At the beach or the pool --                                 
And unbeaarably hot in the jeans.                           
                                                            
69675 WOMEN - HORNY                  Keith MacMillan     A087D



Said the girl from near Shenandoah                          
"If it wasn't for spermatozoa,                              
I would call Mr. Stang                                      
To drop in for a bang,                                      
For I'm in a hot mood for some moah!"                       
                                                            
69676 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  568      



Which reminds me, my dear, you are late                     
With payment for your horny mate.                           
Please soon remand,                                         
Before you need a hand                                      
'Stead of me. Lover, don't wait!                            
                                                            
69677 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



To the impotent fellow from Letcher,                        
The lady remarked, "Glad I've metcher.                      
I have long had this yen                                    
To erect you again --                                       
If you find you can't come, then I'll fetcher.              
                                                            
69678 WOMEN - HORNY                  Hugh Oliver         A109A



One time, I saw this cute dude;                             
He asked me to go out for food.                             
We went out, instead,                                       
For a beer, and some head.                                  
See what happens when you're in the mood?                   
                                                            
69679 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



In her quest for a man, widow Cotter                        
Placed an ad in the Evening Globe Trotter:                  
I have tits and a snatch,                                   
Need a prick that will match,                               
And I'll throw in my fine teenage daughter.                 
                                                            
69680 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin            



There was a young girl named Jeanette                       
Who once made the sexual bet                                
That she could stay high                                    
Much longer than I.                                         
She is now seven screws deep in debt.                       
                                                            
69681 WOMEN - HORNY                  Isaac Asimov             



A lady astrologist in Vancouver,                            
Once captured a man by maneuver.                            
Influenced by Venus,                                        
She jumped on his penis                                     
And nothing on Earth could remove her.                      
                                                            
69682 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There was a young widow named Verity                        
Who peddled her ass just for charity.                       
She'd bugger or fuck,                                       
And occasionally suck,                                      
Which accounted for her popularity.                         
                                                            
69683 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G1883



There was a young lady from Crewe                           
Who liked to have a pump and a screw.                       
She preferred it on top,                                    
And just couldn't stop                                      
Until the bloke she was screwing turned blue.               
                                                            
69684 WOMEN - HORNY                  Mushroom                 



Watch out for this big sexy miss,                           
For at first she'll just ask for a kiss,                    
But with men who are hunks                                  
She will pull down her trunks,                              
And with legs in the air yell, "Lap this!"                  
                                                            
69685 WOMEN - HORNY                  Bob Birch                



The pudenda of Pansy P Pott                                 
At all times is sizzling hot...                             
A mere leer from a dude                                     
Gets her into the mood,                                     
So hot Pansy Pott lays a lot!                               
                                                            
69686 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  184      



She lay on the bed in the nude                              
Looking wanton; incredibly lewd.                            
With her legs wide apart                                    
She said, "When do we start?"                               
I was shocked even though I'm no prude.                     
                                                            
69687 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



With a chance to be reborn again,                           
"As a train track" she said with a grin.                    
St Peter, eyes dipping,                                     
Read the news clipping:                                     
"Train track laid by 500 men."                              
                                                            
69688 WOMEN - HORNY                  Res Ipsa                 



Asleep or awake I'm enthralled                              
With big men who are mostly bald.                           
I'd rub, pat and thrill                                     
Him, head to toes till                                      
When I'm through, he'll be just appalled!                   
                                                            
69689 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



"As for sex," smiled the round-heeled Ms. Blaine,           
"I just love it and feeling no pain;                        
When life gets too stormy,                                  
It does so much for me,                                     
I don't try very hard to abstain."                          
                                                            
69690 WOMEN - HORNY                  Armand E Singer       950



A hillbilly from West Virginia                              
Had the hots for luscious Lavinia.                          
But another fine filly                                      
Had the hots for hillbilly                                  
And said to Lavinia, "I'll spin ya!"                        
                                                            
69691 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A gal with a mouth loud and sassy,                          
At the boys she did shake her assy.                         
For them she did yearn,                                     
But her they would spurn,                                   
Favoring ladies who were much more classy.                  
                                                            
69692 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



An unhappy blonde in Pompeii                                
In a taxi remarked, "For a lay                              
I'm inclined to be lenient                                  
When it is convenient...                                    
Here, I'm sure to be made the hard way!"                    
                                                            
69693 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  427      



In Spring, guess where ladies' thoughts turn?               
And what is it for which they yearn?                        
Is it chivalrous love                                       
They are thinking of?                                       
Or a man who can make them burn?                            
                                                            
69694 WOMEN - HORNY                  Kaylin Brandon           



That's a nice bit of stud for us girls,                     
With enough meat to well part my curls.                     
Though I may hate to share him.                             
Now, as for my harem,                                       
They get jealous (unspeakable churls).                      
                                                            
69695 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



An up-to-date gal says she's found                          
That her marriage is stable and sound.                      
It does not interfere                                       
With her long-time career                                   
Which was, and is, sleeping around.                         
                                                            
69696 WOMEN - HORNY                  James Wade          P8303



At Newlyn, a furious filly                                  
Cried, "Christ! I have frigged myself silly.                
I cannot get Granny                                         
To tickle my fanny;                                         
I'll marry that bugger Bo Diddley."                         
                                                            
69697 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G2123



It's not a bad life for a girl,                             
Whether human, yak, llama, or squirrel...                   
In her lifetime she'll meet                                 
Many males...all in heat,                                   
And all drooling to give her a whirl...                     
                                                            
69698 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  415      



On May Day, the girls of Penzance,                          
Being bored by a lack of romance,                           
Joined the worker's parade                                  
With this banner displayed:                                 
"What the Pants of Penzance Need is Ants."                  
                                                            
69699 WOMEN - HORNY                  Anon                L1510



There was a young girl from Toledo                          
Who wanted to free her libido.                              
"Self-realization                                           
Through advanced copulation                                 
And ever-more sex," was her credo.                          
                                                            
69700 WOMEN - HORNY                  Isaac Asimov             



There was a young girl from Luton                           
Who liked to sleep on a futon.                              
But she soon wanted more                                    
Than an inch off the floor,                                 
And somewhere to just put her newt on.                      
                                                            
69701 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



Kind sir,I know you're no fool,                             
And although I seem sexually cool,                          
I'm really frustrated                                       
And need to be sated,                                       
By a man with an experienced tool.                          
                                                            
69702 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There was a young woman from Lansing,                       
Who said, "Spring is the time for romancing.                
There surely must be                                        
A young man for me,                                         
For my love life could use some enhancing."                 
                                                            
69703 WOMEN - HORNY                                      SJ623



There was a young girl of Madras                            
Whose marriage was as fragile as glass,                     
For her husband, sweet dove,                                
Needed plenty of love,                                      
But this bitch had a hunger for ass.                        
                                                            
69704 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0253



That muscled, tight butt -- ain't it sweet?                 
Hey, who the hell turned up the heat?                       
I'm sweaty and hot.                                         
I'll see if he's got                                        
A sweet, yummy, nice cooling treat.                         
                                                            
69705 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There was a  bad girl from Penzance,                        
Let all the boys into her pants.                            
The boys took their turn,                                   
And respect she did earn,                                   
While the good girls did not stand a chance.                
                                                            
69706 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



A promised young maid, in the spring,                       
Decided she'd have one last fling.                          
So she made her hair curly,                                 
Left home feeling squirrely;                                
No luck: she'd not take off the ring.                       
                                                            
69707 WOMEN - HORNY                  Mlandc                   



I'll never again get me stuck                               
As a maid and a once-a-week fuck.                           
Unless he's a guy,                                          
Who wants sex like I,                                       
I'd rather get hit by a truck.                              
                                                            
69708 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



My advice my bitch will not heed;                           
All she wants is just to do the deed.                       
I pity her so,                                              
For her feelings I know;                                    
No one around to fulfill the need.                          
                                                            
69709 WOMEN - HORNY                  lilsil2                  



A young sausage stuffer, Miss Binks,                        
Stuffed sausage all day into links.                         
Her nightly routine                                         
Was more sausage between,                                   
And she never could catch forty winks.                      
                                                            
69710 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0048



The cunt of a lady named Cratchet                           
Appeared as if slashed by a hatchet.                        
Though she searched every day                               
Her desire to allay,                                        
She could not find a man who would scratch it.              
                                                            
69711 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0426



There was an old coot named McGarity                        
To whom sex had, for years, been a rarity.                  
Then a doll of Queens County                                
Gave him of her bounty,                                     
Due more to hot pants than real charity.                    
                                                            
69712 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  926      



A once-prudish damsel named Fletcher,                       
Who succumbed to the wiles of a lecher,                     
Found it exhilarating                                       
So she kept the guy mating                                  
Till they carried him out on a stretcher!                   
                                                            
69713 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  200      



There was a young lady from Clyde                           
Whom no one would pick for a bride.                         
She screamed with delight                                   
When accosted one night;                                    
It was only a thorn in her side.                            
                                                            
69714 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin            



The chick's only after my noodle,                           
That she hates to see destitutal.                           
And she thinks little Huey                                  
Would make a nice chewy,                                    
Like her poodle when looking for food 'll.                  
                                                            
69715 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



You won't need to pass up this chance,                      
Dearest Wuzzums; I see at a glance                          
By the heave of your bust                                   
That you're panting with lust,                              
For a feel of the bulge in my pants.                        
                                                            
69716 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



They come to my home, lick and tease me.                    
I like someone there who can please me.                     
With legs spread wide,                                      
They want me inside,                                        
And they know just how to release me.                       
                                                            
69717 WOMEN - HORNY                  Lovs2Laf                 



A hot little pot from Dakota                                
Never dodges the men one iota...                            
A pole in her hole                                          
Is the doll's daily goal,                                   
And she always runs over her quota!                         
                                                            
69718 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  594      



This widow who's living in Michigan --                      
You can tell when she's getting the itchigan,               
From the flush of her skin                                  
And the sphinxian grin                                      
On the postman who's filling her nichigan.                  
                                                            
69719 WOMEN - HORNY                  Hugh Oliver         A064B



I watched as he walked 'cross the room;                     
What I saw chased out all thoughts of gloom.                
And I said "Oh Boy!                                         
I do want that toy!                                         
In my mind, there are fantasies a-bloom.                    
                                                            
69720 WOMEN - HORNY                  Robyn                    



A dolly from Morningside Heights                            
Says sex provides all her delights.                         
When she hasn't the rag on,                                 
She gets half a jag on,                                     
And spends her time fucking at nights.                      
                                                            
69721 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G0137



A precursor to good rampant sex,                            
Is a glimpse of some fine firmed-up pecs,                   
With legs open wide,                                        
Arise fine male pride!                                      
And please your love muscle do flex.                        
                                                            
69722 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jayne                    



"A horror of pink cotton candy"                             
Was the way that I'd once described Mandy,                  
But she proved me untrue                                    
When her fingers just flew.                                 
She's not only randy but handy.                             
                                                            
69723 WOMEN - HORNY                  53-MERC                  



His daughters could do naught but mumble;                   
All their school play lines they would fumble.              
But they liked the guys                                     
Who caressed their thighs                                   
And they were all ready to tumble.                          
                                                            
69724 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There's nothing like Red Neck romance;                      
Dixie boys can make you drop your pants.                    
Their down-home moonshine,                                  
And possum combine                                          
To put your heart in a real trance.                         
                                                            
69725 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



An exhausted young man from Sheboygan                       
To his girl said, "I simply can't go again!"                
Nothing daauted, said she,                                  
"Well, it's now up to me                                    
To rekindle some life in the boy again."                    
                                                            
69726 WOMEN - HORNY                  Keith MacMillan     A124D



There once were a couple of rockers,                        
Who went out with a bird with big Dockers.                  
She'd purchased these pants                                 
On her last trip to France,                                 
And removed them for all kinds of cockers.                  
                                                            
69727 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



"No men left for me?  I'm not pleased!"                     
Said the Goddess, not quickly appeased.                     
"The best ones are taken,                                   
Or gay, or foresaken,                                       
And the rest of the lot are diseased!                       
                                                            
69728 WOMEN - HORNY                  Writerman                



"You really can't blame me for trying"                      
The maiden remarked with a sighing.                         
"Though I truthfully say                                    
Let's not roll in the hay,                                  
It seems that I always am lying."                           
                                                            
69729 WOMEN - HORNY                  Fred Cohen          P8405



The answer of course is a firm no;                          
My girlfriends do already know                              
When they stay here the night,                              
There's a fair and good fight                               
In the sex battle.  Oh! Such good show!                     
                                                            
69730 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



Itchy-gitchy wee Lili of Nice                               
Has a yen that seems never to cease.                        
The gal loves to frolic                                     
With a real sexaholic                                       
Or a lush alcohorniac piece.                                
                                                            
69731 WOMEN - HORNY                  Grand Prix Lim  361      



In a letter, a widow from Breaulieu,                        
Wrote: Sir, I don't worry unduly                            
That it maybe thought                                       
That my sex drive is naught                                 
What it was.  I remain, Sir,                                
              Yours truly.                                  
69732 WOMEN - HORNY                  Cedric T. Davie     P9605



She staggers in drunk and a mess,                           
And torn and bedraggled her dress.                          
But at least she's at home,                                 
So I'm not alone;                                           
She's primed and she's ready for sex!                       
                                                            
69733 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



Please turn down the bed, light the light,                  
'Cause I've lost my head, can't see right.                  
This man's got me steaming;                                 
All day I've been dreaming:                                 
So I'll get back home late tonight!                         
                                                            
69734 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jorna                    



A candid young girl named McMillan                          
Replied to an arrogant villain,                             
Who leered, "Now I'll rape you!"                            
With, "I can't escape you,                                  
But rape me you can't -- I'm too willin'."                  
                                                            
69735 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G0652



I walked the streets one fine day,                          
And passed a game girl on the way.                          
Though her lips said nuttin',                               
She started to unbutton,                                    
And I got myself one damn fine lay.                         
                                                            
69736 WOMEN - HORNY                  Straydog                 



A lady of means was Miss Cord;                              
All pleasures in life she explored.                         
Yet this lady demure                                        
Was in truth insecure,                                      
For wherever she went, she was bored.                       
                                                            
69737 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0094



In the park an old maid with a need,                        
On her whistle for rape did proceed                         
To blow hard -- but she cursed                              
Till her lungs fairly burst,                                
For no gentleman paid any heed.                             
                                                            
69738 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2207



There was an old girl of Tarentum                           
Who couldn't get men, so she'd rent 'em.                    
She invariably said,                                        
As they got out of bed,                                     
"Now, didn't you like my placentum?"                        
                                                            
69739 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G1874



Sometimes when a girl's feeling horny,                      
Whether it be afternoon or still morny,                     
She must use what's at hand,                                
And if there's no man,                                      
She might choose to mess with Siguorney.                    
                                                            
69740 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



There's a sweet little girl from Tibet                      
Who in singles bars often is met --                         
Should you ask, "What's your sign?"                         
While caressing her spine,                                  
She'll answer, "mine's Slippery When Wet."                  
                                                            
69741 WOMEN - HORNY                  Arthur Deex         P8904



As I deftly move in for the kill,                           
I may wonder if she's on the pill.                          
If she's somebody's wife,                                   
Should I fear for my life?                                  
(Nothing matters, of course, if she WILL!)                  
                                                            
69742 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



An old maid on a camping vacation                           
From her tent cried, "I need copulation!"                   
So a man from Ft. Sumpter                                   
Went in there and humped her                                
And came out to a standing ovation.                         
                                                            
69743 WOMEN - HORNY                  Michael Weinstein   P8709



Said a lady whose named was Miss Lee                        
"I have wasted my life I can see.                           
I've spent four years at college,                           
Not strictly for knowledge,                                 
And WHOM has it gotten me?"                                 
                                                            
69744 WOMEN - HORNY                  Michael F. Ellis    P8902



She said to herself, "What's his age?                       
The guy is a wit and a sage."                               
The girls when they chatter,                                
Say, "What does it matter?                                  
That stud should be kept in a cage."                        
                                                            
69745 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



It would be public service, my dears --                     
To teach them how to use their spears.                      
To teach them to please us,                                 
And nibble and tease us;                                    
Do I hear any volunteers.                                   
                                                            
69746 WOMEN - HORNY                  Kaylin Brandon           



A teacher will not make the grade                           
Unless she's both modest and staid.                         
But teaching subtraction                                    
Lacks cunt satisfation.                                     
She'd rather go home and get laid.                          
                                                            
69747 WOMEN - HORNY                  Julia Strawn        P8808



The genital itch of Miss Wing                               
Caused a riot last week in Big Spring.                      
Ten men dropped their pants                                 
For a go at her ants,                                       
But they didn't calm down a damned thing.                   
                                                            
69748 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G0816



Until she was nearly thirteen                               
Her record was pure and pristine,                           
But now with the boys,                                      
Whom she clearly enjoys,                                    
She is known as the 'fucking machine.'                      
                                                            
69749 WOMEN - HORNY                  Lance Payne         P8812



There once was an old goat named Dell,                      
Who said that you never could tell                          
What kinda bitches                                          
Wanted into his britches,                                   
Or followed him 'round by the smell.                        
                                                            
69750 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



A girl who was horny and hot,                               
Lying nude and supine on her cot,                           
Yearned for a dick                                          
She could suck on and lick,                                 
And a tongue that would tickle her twat!                    
                                                            
69751 WOMEN - HORNY                  Little Richard           



A flowery young maid from Kailua                            
Would prefer to be playful than pua,                        
But went to excess                                          
When she stripped off her dress,                            
And invited the townsfolk to scrua.                         
                                                            
69752 WOMEN - HORNY                  Hugh Oliver              



I went to the old mausoleum,                                
To utter a pious te deum;                                   
Examine each tomb an'                                       
Perhaps find me a woman,                                    
And fill up her old twat with creum.                        
                                                            
69753 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



A popular girl from Toledo                                  
Is known for her active libido.                             
A mere touch or kiss                                        
And this volatile miss                                      
Is off like an uncorked torpedo.                            
                                                            
69754 WOMEN - HORNY                  Evelyn Bogen        P9805



A flagitious young fizgig named Jane,                       
Caused a small lexicographer pain,                          
When she said, "Man, you're failin'                         
My sesquipedalian                                           
Test for the guys who I've lain'."                          
                                                            
69755 WOMEN - HORNY                  Don Moore           P0312



A young lad went often to court.                            
On returning he gave this report:                           
"The ladies in waiting                                      
Are waiting for mating,                                     
So it's not a last place of resort."                        
                                                            
69756 WOMEN - HORNY                  Laurence Perrine    P8405



Any ladies, who feel quite depraved,                        
Don't care if you're hairy or shaved;                       
If you're willing to show "tail",                           
He'll  price 'em at "hole-sale";                            
And "handle-ing charges" are waived!                        
                                                            
69757 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



Employed on my ranch is Hope Holt                           
Who's threatening to lead a revolt,                         
If she and all others                                       
Who're sisters and mothers,                                 
Can't fuck the long cock of my colt.                        
                                                            
69758 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



We all know that the Welsh go for sheep,                    
And forever your Bessie you'll keep.                        
Monkey's hands are so nifty                                 
But I find nothing shifty                                   
If a stud should plunge into me, deep.                      
                                                            
69759 WOMEN - HORNY                  Ulla                     



"I must give up my girl friend," said Nate.                 
"She demands far too much on a date.                        
Although fairness is due me,                                
She would much rather screw me --                           
If I give in one inch, she wants eight."                    
                                                            
69760 WOMEN - HORNY                  Albin Chaplin   3024-0274



I'm saying me prayers to St Jude,                           
To keep away thoughts that are lewd.                        
He'll do what he can                                        
To get me a man,                                            
And we'll wed, and we'll bed, is that rude?                 
                                                            
69761 WOMEN - HORNY                  Linda Marsh Coll         



A horny young woman I know                                  
Climbed to the top of a pole.                               
She stuck it in deep,                                       
And rode it till she                                        
Had watered the flowers below.                              
                                                            
69762 WOMEN - HORNY                  Jim Weaver Collection    



A sex-crazy girl named O'Dwyer,                             
Who felt that her crotch was on fire,                       
Played the tart in bordellos                                
Where horny young fellows                                   
Brought the thing only men could supply 'er.                
                                                            
69763 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G1845



WHEN! WHEN! WHEN! WHEN! WHEN!                               
In the bedroom, the bathroom, the den!                      
Do it to me now                                             
Anyway, anyhow --                                           
Just appease for me, please, this great yen!                
                                                            
69764 WOMEN - HORNY                  Ericka                   



Confessed a young maiden named Zane,                        
"I know there's no gain without pain.                       
So that's why I'm ready                                     
Whenever my steady                                          
Wants into my private domain."                              
                                                            
69765 WOMEN - HORNY                  Armand E Singer       898



A spirited female named Hooker                              
Knew surges of passion that shook her;                      
She'd always explain,                                       
She granted free reign                                      
To urges wherever they took her.                            
                                                            
69766 WOMEN - HORNY                  Armand E Singer       742



A retiring old fellow of Dayton                             
Has begun to lose interest in matin',                       
And his wife, bless her soul,                               
Suffers loss of control,                                    
Being hotly frustrated from waitin'.                        
                                                            
69767 WOMEN - HORNY                  Keith MacMillan     A095B



Lady Genevieve Gathercole Grame                             
Was rather a scandalous dame.                               
With a duke or a king                                       
She would do anything,                                      
And with cockneys or housemen, the same.                    
                                                            
69768 WOMEN - HORNY                  Warrick Elrod            



An oversexed female named Tupper                            
Knew just what she wished to have up her;                   
Said she, "Something firm,                                  
A worm with a squirm,                                       
And filling as stew -- for one's supper."                   
                                                            
69769 WOMEN - HORNY                  Armand E Singer        37



A woman he tried not to covet,                              
Was horny and knew she would love it.                       
So taking a chance,                                         
She wrote on her pants,                                     
"Pull down here and see where to shove it!"                 
                                                            
69770 WOMEN - HORNY                                           



How low can a girl get?  Who knows?                         
Once she has peeled off her clothes,                        
And spread flat on her back,                                
With your cock in her crack,                                
You don't care how low the bitch goes!                      
                                                            
69771 WOMEN - HORNY                                      G1817



There's a brash Neopolitan lass                             
With a sassy, Italianate ass,                               
And I viewed with amaze                                     
This inducement to graze                                    
(Since the Bible insists flesh is grass);                   
                                                            
69772 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Thomas A. Quinine   P8301



But when matters had come to this pass,                     
She denounced my devotions as crass.                        
"Am I merely the cud                                        
For a runimant stud --                                      
Or a lay from the laboring class?                           
                                                            
69773 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Thomas A. Quinine   P8301



What I lack is a lover, alas,                               
With some heterosexual sass,                                
I have nothing to chew                                      
That need occupy you,                                       
With your nibbling, herbivorous brass."                     
                                                            
69774 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Thomas A. Quinine   P8301



So I took one more look at her chass-                       
-is with mightly inviting crevasse,                         
And decided right there                                     
On the part with the hair --                                
For I'd rather affront than harass!                         
                                                            
69775 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Thomas A. Quinine   P8301



Vicki at the sign of the rooster;                           
She gives men one hell of a booster.                        
They ask for her time                                       
And she smiles sublime;                                     
"Yes indeed! Any cock-le do sir"                            
                                                            
69776 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



I'll speak now for all of the men:                          
You've done it, go turn in your pen.                        
She's quick as a bullet                                     
To offer to pullet;                                         
That Vicki's a most lovely hen.                             
                                                            
69777 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



Just like all cats are grey by night,                       
Each lady's a beautiful sight,                              
When stripped to the buff,                                  
Demanding her muff                                          
Be filled during dawn's early light.                        
                                                            
69778 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



Oh say can you see, what a sight!                           
An odious image; a blight!                                  
What seemed fair in the dark                                
Has four legs and does bark!                                
What the Hell; one more time in the light!                  
                                                            
69779 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         RanDog                   



With tight jeans hung low on his hips,                      
Shirt unbuttoned to show off his nips,                      
A well-formed bulge                                         
Makes me want to indulge.                                   
I admit, I start licking my lips...                         
                                                            
69780 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



And can't help but fantasize                                
About what I could do with this prize.                      
The image, I find,                                          
Is a treat for the mind,                                    
As well as a feast for the eyes!                            
                                                            
69781 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Jim Weaver Collection    



My cry for young boys has been answered;                    
As you predicted, I'm swampered.                            
I've no time for Archie,                                    
He's aged and gauche.                                       
Young ones keep on coming; I'm pampered.                    
                                                            
69782 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Liz                      



Although old, he still has a use;                           
Cocktail maker, he'll never lose.                           
With B52's                                                  
And others that ooze,                                       
But his orgasms are self-abuse.                             
                                                            
69783 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Liz                      



It's time wasted to get him in bed;                         
He snores and he won't give me head.                        
But I just need him near me                                 
To do the house-wiffery,                                    
While I screw young boys, like I said.                      
                                                            
69784 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Liz                      



She was always keen for enjoyment,                          
Especially genital deployment                               
On an office chair.                                         
She's no longer there,                                      
But searching for some new employment.                      
                                                            
69785 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



To Business school went our bitch hound;                    
The faculty loved her plump mound;                          
Screwed 'em all, so they say;                               
Now she's back: MBA!                                        
Her spreadsheet's the biggest around!                       
                                                            
69786 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



Yes she's back, that cute horny lass;                       
A change in outlook's come to pass.                         
When some people say,                                       
'What's an MBA?'                                            
She answers, "Mean Ballbreaking Ass".                       
                                                            
69787 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



Well, I told her that an MBA was                            
What my dog drags on my carpet's fuzz;                      
She left me and my tool                                     
Outside her stud pool;                                      
Suits me! That crowd was all scuzz!                         
                                                            
69788 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



The football boys are drunk and dizzy;                      
The cricket teams' gone out with Lizzy.                     
The circus left town.                                       
The pub is closed down.                                     
Let me think:  Hey boys!  Are you busy?                     
                                                            
69789 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Imposter!  You ugly old cow!                                
You're built like a shit house and how;                     
You look like a yak                                         
Or a bus from the back;                                     
And you're Sister Christina, I vow!                         
                                                            
69790 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Peter Wilkins            



I do not pay money for sex.                                 
That goes 'gainst my every reflex.                          
But I would like to mention                                 
I do pay attention,                                         
To gentlemen who nibble necks...                            
                                                            
69791 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



Just call me a "neck nibblin'" man!                         
I'll nibble as slow as I can.                               
Then, dammit, I'll hurry                                    
To nibble your furry                                        
For free in a one minute span!                              
                                                            
69792 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



Pleasure should be a two-way street,                        
When under the covers we meet.                              
A man soon discovers                                        
Nurses make the best lovers --                              
And you're really in for a treat!                           
                                                            
69793 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Kaylin Brandon           



I've heard that you're exactly right --                     
A nurse will insure your delight.                           
Don't feel too rejected --                                  
Does this look infected?                                    
Will you wear that outfit that's white?                     
                                                            
69794 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Frank Fazed              



Now, Barb, an Ontarian Princess                             
Would allow all the Court to caress                         
Her legs and her arms                                       
And all other charms.                                       
She did, and was better than Bess!                          
                                                            
69795 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



This Barb was an elegant screw                              
And often took on all the crew,                             
One after another,                                          
Till even her mother                                        
Joined all of the cheering that grew!                       
                                                            
69796 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



Our Barb had a mouth like an "O"                            
And squatted right down really low.                         
Her teeth she then hid                                      
For the job that she did,                                   
Was the type that's described as a blow!                    
                                                            
69797 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



When Barb was once pissed on in bed,                        
There was only one thing to be said:                        
The hose, how it hissed,                                    
But then it just missed,                                    
And it pissed on her sister instead!                        
                                                            
69798 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



It has often been said                                      
That if you will folow this thread,                         
It leads to a spot,                                         
(G, but it's hot)                                           
And my pussy has not yet been fed.                          
                                                            
69799 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Arden                    



I had to add one more ditty                                 
To Arden, she's the one witty,                              
Who's looking for food.                                     
Well, all this old dude                                     
Can say is...here kitty, kitty.                             
                                                            
69800 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Frank Fazed              



The Sunday outside is so grey                               
And there's no one around here to play;                     
There's this itch in my pants                               
And it sure isn't ants -                                    
Guess I just want a roll in the hay.                        
                                                            
69801 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



Dear, you're wasting this glorious day                      
With your fuss, bother, itch and dismay                     
But with that now been said                                 
Why not come to my bed                                      
Let me give you a pubic display ?                           
                                                            
69802 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



There was an old lady named Barrett                         
Who lived all alone in a garret.                            
It was said she was cute                                    
And she dated a fruit,                                      
But the fact is, she dated a carrot.                        
                                                            
69803 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Albin Chaplin   3024-1942



There was an old spinster named Barrett,                    
Who lived all alone in a garret.                            
She was screwed by a cripple                                
Who gave her a triple,                                      
So she gave him the Order of Merit.                         
                                                            
69804 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Albin Chaplin   3024-1943



If you take this girl out for a canter,                     
Be careful now, just how you handle 'er.                    
'Cause if you're a fool,                                    
And don't watch out, then you'll                            
Poke an eye out upon an antler.                             
(breasts like a pair of roe deer - Song of Solomon - McW)   
69805 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



That simile of Solomon's corny;                             
An interpretive problem quite thorny.                       
Did he mean her humps                                       
Look like two deer rumps,                                   
Or just that her tits make him horny.                       
                                                            
69806 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         MrMalo                   



What could he have meant about her?                         
Is it compliment? Or is it a slur?                          
The metaphor's muddled;                                     
I'm completely befuddled,                                   
Unless he meant covered with fur.                           
                                                            
69807 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES         MrMalo                   



My man is my man, I'll tell you,                            
And whatever he wants me to do,                             
Be it rubbing and sucking,                                  
Or straight forward fucking,                                
He's almost to good to be true.                             
                                                            
69808 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



You better start treating him right                         
Or you'll find sometime in the night,                       
He walks out that door;                                     
You'll see him no more;                                     
He's packed all his bags -- taken flight.                   
                                                            
69809 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



If he says "Lie down on your back",                         
Or "Turn 'round, let me see your crack!"                    
You best spread 'em wide                                    
And let him inside,                                         
'Cause it feels like he's got the knack.                    
                                                            
69810 WOMEN - HORNY - SERIES                                  



There once was a woman called Shebula,                      
Who promised the moon and the nebula.                       
When she couldn't deliver,                                  
She was sold up the river,                                  
Not knowing her ass from fibula.                            
                                                            
69811 WOMEN - INEPT                  Anthony Duggan           



I've heard, (but I'm sure it's not true,)                   
That girls there don't know what to do.                     
If so it's no wundra                                        
That out in the tundra,                                     
Men go out and fuck caribou.                                
                                                            
69812 WOMEN - INEPT                                           



First she thought she would knit him a sweater;             
He was lonesome - might make him feel better.               
She preferred in the end                                    
To find him a friend,                                       
Which occurred when she lent him a setter.                  
                                                            
69813 WOMEN - INEPT                                           



Girls night out, what sweet, sweet delight;                 
It's been drinking and music all night!                     
I was gettin real mellow,                                   
When some fucking fellow                                    
Tried to get me; now that was some fright!                  
                                                            
69814 WOMEN - INEPT                                           



A blind date my friend did devise                           
He assured me a pleasant surprise                           
When the time came to meet                                  
I was startled to greet                                     
A nice girl with blue tits and big eyes                     
                                                            
69815 WOMEN - INEPT                  Jason or Mike Dale       



And the oddities didn't end there;                          
For although, in the face, she was fair                     
I ran away scared                                           
When I saw what she bared:                                  
She had a blonde cunt and tight hair.                       
                                                            
69816 WOMEN - INEPT                  Jason or Mike Dale       



A hooker from North Carolina                                
Placed a Christmas wreath on her vagina;                    
One constructed of holly                                    
Imported from Raleigh,                                      
So that now pious men can decline her.                      
                                                            
69817 WOMEN - INEPT                  Isaac Asimov             



Angy felt that she was cursed                               
As she only wanted to be first.                             
She thought she could win                                   
With a Jay Leno chin,                                       
And looking just like Patty Hearst.                         
                                                            
69818 WOMEN - INEPT                  Fabrika Lims             



There was a young missy called Inga,                        
Who, at home, would not raise a finger.                     
She claimed to be ailing,                                   
But this was her failing:                                   
Her dad found out that she liked to malinger.               
                                                            
69819 WOMEN - INEPT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



You've seen this complaint here before;                     
Sunday lurking becomes quite a bore.                        
You women are lazy;                                         
You drive us men crazy;                                     
Someone out there -- we need a good whore.                  
                                                            
69820 WOMEN - INEPT                                           



There was a young prankster from Stoke                      
Whose hobby was the practical joke.                         
As a result of her pranks                                   
She never had thanks,                                       
And many a friendship she broke!                            
                                                            
69821 WOMEN - INEPT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



A typist had a problem to wake up,                          
So then had to rush morning make-up.                        
The other girls in the pool                                 
Said her make-up looked cool.                               
She needed a cosmetic shake-up.                             
                                                            
69822 WOMEN - INEPT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



The shortest retirement in history                          
Has become this week's new mystery.                         
So what was her name?                                       
Was it all just a game?                                     
An attention-getting deficiency?                            
                                                            
69823 WOMEN - INEPT                                           



The children of poor Mrs Oldham,                            
Were bad and she'd constantly scold 'em.                    
But they couldn't behave                                    
And their faults were so grave,                             
That she put out a sign and she sold 'em.                   
                                                            
69824 WOMEN - INEPT                  Cap'n Bean          P0112



I once met a girl who was spastic;                          
But whose tits were amazing, fantastic.                     
When I pissed in her wind,                                  
She giggled and grinned.                                    
My god, was her pussy elastic.                              
                                                            
69825 WOMEN - INEPT                  Paul Boston              



A frustrated young woman named Emma                         
Well knew the frustrating dilemma                           
Of spurning advances                                        
And squelching romances,                                    
While racked in a sensuous tremor.                          
                                                            
69826 WOMEN - INEPT                  Isaac Asimov             



When it comes to your thoughts on sex,                      
Your opinions are like writing bad checks.                  
They are worthless you see,                                 
So don't fuck with me!!                                     
I'M THRU' WITH YOU NOW... NEXT!!                            
                                                            
69827 WOMEN - INEPT                                           



Hollywood's full of these flickers                          
Of sticks in high heels and lace knickers.                  
They ain't even pretty                                      
And not even witty;                                         
They'd be better as envelope lickers.                       
                                                            
69828 WOMEN - INEPT                  Nawahl Razak             



And what about glamour magazines                            
Portraying these rakes as god's queens.                     
It makes young girls sick                                   
And anorexic,                                               
By upsetting their stomach and spleens.                     
                                                            
69829 WOMEN - INEPT                  Nawahl Razak             



A short while ago I went barms;                             
Ghost-like things floated by, full of charms.               
They were ladies, alright,                                  
But I got such a fright,                                    
'Cause it seemed they walked by on their arms.              
                                                            
69830 WOMEN - INEPT                  Nawahl Razak             



They should cut the crap causing fear,                      
And make ladies wish to disappear                           
And promote the more healthy                                
And perhaps a bit stealthy                                  
Real women; we also are here.                               
                                                            
69831 WOMEN - INEPT                  Nawahl Razak             



A debutante staying in Crete,                               
Found, on horses, that she had a good seat.                 
When it came to the ball,                                   
She rode for a big fall,                                    
She had two very awkward left feet.                         
                                                            
69832 WOMEN - INEPT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady named Lizzie,                        
Who kept herself terribly busy.                             
She was so disarranged,                                     
Her life became changed;                                    
She's the original dame who was dizzy.                      
                                                            
69833 WOMEN - INEPT                  Arthur Pattaffy          



She thought she saw love in his eyes;                       
Surely he'd tell her no lies.                               
But her hopes were in vain,                                 
He did not love her brain,                                  
But was really quite fond of her thighs.                    
                                                            
69834 WOMEN - INEPT                  Lims For Year - 01       



Cindy's a lisping annoyance;                                
Blonde curls give me pains in the gro-ins.                  
Would she sink like a stone                                 
If in water she's thrown?                                   
I'm wondering what is her bouyance?                         
                                                            
69835 WOMEN - INEPT                  Artie TRoll              



Unlucky indeed was young Fife,                              
For nagging made misery of life.                            
He was terribly fraught                                     
And a mistress he sought,                                   
But the mistress nagged worse than his wife.                
                                                            
69836 WOMEN - KEPT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2570



Women are dangerous critters;                               
Never seen such for cussers and spitters.                   
They piss and they moan,                                    
And they stay on the phone,                                 
But they're handy for cleaning the shitters.                
                                                            
69837 WOMEN - KEPT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



When Karen get's miffed, you are right;                     
'Fraid to say, not at all a pretty site.                    
Her arms she starts flinging,                               
My ears they start ringing,                                 
That woman sure enjoys a good fight.                        
                                                            
69838 WOMEN - KEPT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



My fat wallet's rapidly slimmin';                           
The future's looking quite grim, in                         
The hall bills are piling,                                  
I'm for bankruptcy filing,                                  
The reason: slow horses, fast women.                        
                                                            
69839 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



With women and horses I'm cursed;                           
At least the gals usually came first.                       
But they don't want to know,                                
Now I'm clean out of dough,                                 
And so I'm in sorrow immersed.                              
                                                            
69840 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



My wallet is stuffed full of plastic,                       
Which means that my wealth is elastic.                      
For cash I have none,                                       
Which would limit my fun,                                   
And my life to the merely monastic.                         
                                                            
69841 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



A lecherous fellow named Dan                                
Thought he had the best seduction plan.                     
He would lure all the girls                                 
With both diamonds and pearls,                              
But they grabbed the jewels and just ran.                   
                                                            
69842 WOMEN - KEPT                   Warrick Elrod            



Joe lays his landlady, Miss Kent,                           
But he still has to pay the whole rent...                   
She claims that seduction                                   
Doesn't rate a reduction,                                   
So Joe says, "It's money will spent."                       
                                                            
69843 WOMEN - KEPT                   Grand Prix Lim  395      



Your one eye's a dark limpid pool,                          
And you look oh so cute when you drool.                     
Though your hair's rather sparse,                           
And you've got a fat arse,                                  
The sight of you makes me a fool.                           
                                                            
69844 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



I love every zit, every pimple;                             
Those pock-marks you told me were dimples.                  
And that fog-horn like voice,                               
Makes my glad heart rejoice;                                
And best of all, hon, you're so simple.                     
                                                            
69845 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



The Girl Shooting Season's commenced                        
On my grouse moor in Ayrshire and hence,                    
I invite you for huntin'                                    
And fishin' for cunt in                                     
My old country castle immense.                              
                                                            
69846 WOMEN - KEPT                   Peter Wilkins            



My shotgun is ready to fire                                 
And it's AJL girls I desire;                                
So, m'dears, you're invited                                 
To make us excited,                                         
By runnin' through heather and briar.                       
                                                            
69847 WOMEN - KEPT                   Peter Wilkins            



We'll chase you with shotguns half-cocked,                  
But won't fire 'til our eyeballs are locked                 
On your faces and figures;                                  
Then squeezing our triggers                                 
We'll shoot when you're fully defrocked.                    
                                                            
69848 WOMEN - KEPT                   Peter Wilkins            



Now my love doll could please a collegian;                  
We'll go pub-crawling in some tough region;                 
So her make-up's too thick;                                 
She can stir a drunk's dick;                                
In the dim light she'll pass for Norwegian!                 
                                                            
69849 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



Begged a crafty young steno named Sutton,                   
"With a mink coat I soon will be struttin'."                
And she soon had the mink,                                  
But she raised a big stink,                                 
When she found the damn thing would not button.             
                                                            
69850 WOMEN - KEPT                   Albin Chaplin            



What a man needs at home is a drudge                        
Who never from housework will budge,                        
And a mistress so spicing                                   
For providing the icing                                     
Made of marshmallow, chocolate and fudge.                   
                                                            
69851 WOMEN - KEPT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2028



There was a young girl from Texas,                          
Who said that she knows what real sex is.                   
It's give and it's take,                                    
But make no mistake,                                        
A girl will give more for a Lexus!                          
                                                            
69852 WOMEN - KEPT                   Anon                     



There was an old recluse named Schartner                    
Who found his young lady a heartener.                       
He said, "I can see                                         
How much fun it can be,                                     
When you do all these things with a partner."               
                                                            
69853 WOMEN - KEPT                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0321



A frustrated husband named Dwight                           
Knows headaches cause marital blight,                       
But his big-boobied mistress                                
Is unceasingly estrous                                      
And never says "no" in the night.                           
                                                            
69854 WOMEN - KEPT                   Armand E Singer       270



My husband's a sweet little lamb;                           
He does whatever he can:                                    
To stay on my good side,                                    
Keep me a sweet bride,                                      
And keep himself out of a jam!                              
                                                            
69855 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



I hear that housework makes you ugly.                       
If true, then I can say smugly,                             
I'll stay beautiful,                                        
One lovely armful;                                          
I don't even vacuum the ruggly!                             
                                                            
69856 WOMEN - KEPT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Said the fiance of Mr. Keith Hutch                          
"At last I've got him in my crotch.                         
But if you tell Keith,                                      
I'll lie through my teeth,                                  
And swear I said not crotch but clutch!"                    
                                                            
69857 WOMEN - KEPT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Two babes who keep light house in Hatteras                  
Said, "Hot fellows think, if they flatteras,                
We'll be so delighted,                                      
They'll each be invited                                     
To play house with us on our matteras.                      
                                                            
69858 WOMEN - KEPT                   Grand Prix Lim  709      



There once was a fellow of Bath                             
Who followed a straight moral path.                         
He spent most of his life                                   
In the arms of his wife,                                    
Which aroused his young mistress's wrath.                   
                                                            
69859 WOMEN - KEPT                   Isaac Asimov             



Remarked a West African pigmy                               
When caught up knee-deep in polygamy;                       
"There's safety in numbers,                                 
It spices my slumbers,                                      
And keeps 'em from getting to sick of me."                  
                                                            
69860 WOMEN - KEPT                   Armand E Singer        55



There is a young girl so fine,                              
She bitches but seldom does whine.                          
I call her baby,                                            
She never says maybe,                                       
And I'm proud to say she is mine.                           
                                                            
69861 WOMEN - KEPT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



She sometimes gives me a stir,                              
For, on occasion, I have made her purr.                     
She nuzzled my neck,                                        
And I think, "What the heck!                                
Someday I just may marry her."                              
                                                            
69862 WOMEN - KEPT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



With my spouse, I got into a fight!                         
We were yelling and screaming all night!                    
But then at sunrise,                                        
We reached compromise,                                      
When I got to decide she was right!                         
                                                            
69863 WOMEN - KEPT                   Observer                 



Lady Clara Cuddlestone Clyde                                
Thought Sir Horace had something to hide.                   
So she opened his mail                                      
And unravelled the tale                                     
Of the ladies he had on the side.                           
                                                            
69864 WOMEN - KEPT                   Warrick Elrod            



There was a young fellow of Wheeling                        
Who liked women submissively kneeling.                      
This pose of humility                                       
Enhanced his ability,                                       
With results he found soothing and healing.                 
                                                            
69865 WOMEN - KEPT                   Isaac Asimov             



There once was a girl called Muppet;                        
Her ass I would shove my dick up it.                        
A thick stream of cum                                       
Would shoot in her bum;                                     
Pulling strings, she was my sphincter puppet.               
                                                            
69866 WOMEN - KEPT                   Jim Weaver Collection    



The doc said, "For the sake of your health,                 
You shouldn't be feeding yourself --                        
Find some little dolly                                      
To feed you, by golly --                                    
So what if she takes all your wealth?"                      
                                                            
69867 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



A dolly like that I have got,                               
And you'd think I'd be pleased, but I'm not.                
I have to be wary;                                          
She's unsanitary;                                           
Cooks carrots and peas in same pot.                         
                                                            
69868 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



A blue-eyed young beauty from Closter                       
Was number one lay on his roster;                           
And while occupied                                          
With those on the side,                                     
He would keep her on ice, then defroster.                   
                                                            
69869 WOMEN - KEPT                   Hugh Oliver         A080B



One time I loved me a poet;                                 
I loved him too much; Now I know it.                        
I figured he'd leave                                        
But I tried to believe.                                     
Then he left as I'd guessed.  Did I blow it?                
                                                            
69870 WOMEN - KEPT                   Karen                    



We loved very truly for years,                              
And deeply, in spite of my fears.                           
So I learned in my heart                                    
That when we did part,                                      
I love better, in spite of those tears.                     
                                                            
69871 WOMEN - KEPT                   Karen                    



Love is a double-edged sword;                               
From great heights to depths untoward.                      
But the fact of it is                                       
You never have lived,                                       
Until you have reaped its reward.                           
                                                            
69872 WOMEN - KEPT                   Azul                     



Each time we suffer its stings,                             
We grow to know many more things.                           
But love always wins                                        
When a new one begins;                                      
It is life the Yang and the Ying.                           
                                                            
69873 WOMEN - KEPT                   Azul                     



Love has many variations.                                   
For a friend, for a lover, for relations.                   
From deep in our hearts,                                    
The love to impart,                                         
So give it with no reservation.                             
                                                            
69874 WOMEN - KEPT                   Azul                     



If you don't want to sleep with your hand,                  
(And a woman is so much more grand!)                        
Then you'll just have to pay                                
For a lady to lay.                                          
Don't bury your head in the sand.                           
                                                            
69875 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



It costs me a fortune to keep                               
My ladyfriend happy. I weep                                 
At the dollars I spend                                      
Before getting my end.                                      
Then all she wants is to sleep.                             
                                                            
69876 WOMEN - KEPT                                            



If now all the truth must be told,                          
I have only one New Year's goal.                            
A maid will I get                                           
And keep her quite wet,                                     
And all of her virtues extol.                               
                                                            
69877 WOMEN - KEPT                   KJ                       



For I lost my love two years past.                          
As she was no virtuous lass,                                
She ran off to Rio                                          
With a lesbian trio;                                        
That's when I began smoking grass.                          
                                                            
69878 WOMEN - KEPT                   KJ                       



Now my bed is much colder than snow.                        
Is this more than you wanted to know?                       
Don't need money for beer,                                  
Just a sweet lady here,                                     
This I pray Lady Luck will bestow.                          
                                                            
69879 WOMEN - KEPT                   KJ                       



A girl who lived by the tombs,                              
Had a house with forty-nine rooms.                          
A man gave her the place                                    
For her legs and her face                                   
And a fortune built in her bazooms.                         
                                                            
69880 WOMEN - KEPT                   Chairman Steve           



So anti-female is McMann                                    
He calls every woman, WOEman.                               
Each gal is a gall,                                         
No pal but a pall,                                          
And nastily accents maDAMn.                                 
                                                            
69881 WOMEN - LIB                    Irving Superior     P8112



"Dirty limericks, the sort which malign                     
The feminine sex," says Ms. Kline,                          
"And treat women just                                       
As object of lust,                                          
Nowadays contravene Title IX."                              
                                                            
69882 WOMEN - LIB                    A. N. Wilkins       P8505



Said a Women's Lib girl named MacPherson,                   
"For an insult to gals, there's no worse 'un,               
Than the preachers who say                                  
Ah-men through the day;                                     
We must teach them to change to Ah-person!"                 
                                                            
69883 WOMEN - LIB                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2682



Girls shouldn't depend on sweet charity;                    
The sexes should be on a parity.                            
But hearing the jokes                                       
And watching the folks,                                     
I fear this ideal is a rarity.                              
                                                            
69884 WOMEN - LIB                    Norm Storer              



All wives drop their names when they wed.                   
Zycwuvski becomes Smith instead.                            
And each aka,                                               
Is not what they say.                                       
McCarthy called everyone Red.                               
"What's in a name?" William said.                           
69885 WOMEN - LIB                    Irving Superior     P9507



Should I be choked up with emotion                          
That you were denied a promotion?                           
Your skin's a shade pale,                                   
And besides, you're a male.                                 
Be glad you avoided demotion.                               
                                                            
69886 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Most women get married, 'tis true,                          
They feel it's the best they can do.                        
But why spend your life                                     
Being somebody's wife,                                      
When you might spend it just being you?                     
                                                            
69887 WOMEN - LIB                    Barney Blackley          



Fellow fem, I don't usually boast                           
Of the secret I treasure the most.                          
Men are by far much more tender;                            
If they're not, try the blender,                            
Or my personal favorite, "Nut Roast!"                       
                                                            
69888 WOMEN - LIB                                             



While ranting, I'll beat a new cow --                       
That late women's lib group called N.O.W.                   
Their last big hurrah                                       
Was burning the bra                                         
Which most didn't need anyhow.                              
                                                            
69889 WOMEN - LIB                    Annie Jay                



A poet from Cheltenham Spa,                                 
Had a breakdown whilst driving his car.                     
As he scribbled a sonnet,                                   
Said his girl, 'neath the bonnet,                           
"You take women's lib much too far."                        
                                                            
69890 WOMEN - LIB                    Betty Morris             



I think that he is not benign;                              
Suspicious big bulge is a sign                              
He is packing heat,                                         
And is not discrete.                                        
He's male chauvinistic porcine.                             
                                                            
69891 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Her convictions are strong, though I rib her;               
She will harp on fem rights till I gibber.                  
"If you're so right,                                        
Then get out and fight!"                                    
But she won't; a real chicken libber.                       
                                                            
69892 WOMEN - LIB                    John Miller 0167         



That orator Senor Demosthenes                               
Said, "Girls show too much when they cross their knees."    
But all of the flappers                                     
Just out of di-apers                                        
Cried, "Stupid men never shall boss the knees!"             
                                                            
69893 WOMEN - LIB                                        G2685



A satyr who leered with perversity                          
Was arrested for feminadversity.                            
But he said at his hearing,                                 
"We can't live without leering;                             
It is part of our cultural diversity."                      
                                                            
69894 WOMEN - LIB                    H. P. Fletcher      P9603



There was a young lady abject;                              
Her talents she did misdirect.                              
In her manner vandalic,                                     
She destroyed symbols phallic,                              
And demolished what man did erect.                          
                                                            
69895 WOMEN - LIB                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1918



Please take note of the ex Mrs. Tolliver.                   
Her husband tried making a doll of her.                     
She did learn to blink,                                     
And say Papa, and wink.                                     
But she found that did not express all of her.              
                                                            
69896 WOMEN - LIB                    John Ciardi              



These feminists get so uptight.                             
If you woo them they put up a fight.                        
They should just relax,                                     
And take off their slacks,                                  
And enjoy the phallic delight.                              
                                                            
69897 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Cut down in the prime of her life,                          
Not sugically, as with a knife --                           
She died the slow way.                                      
She spent every day                                         
Enslaved by he who called her "wife."                       
                                                            
69898 WOMEN - LIB                    Marlene Lewis            



The ladies don't swoon much these days.                     
Because of the change in mores.                             
Their rights equal men's;                                   
They yield to their yens.                                   
They learn a lot: early, more ways.                         
                                                            
69899 WOMEN - LIB                    Elois                    



Today she would jump on his bones,                          
And regale him with cries and with moans.                   
A predator, she,                                            
From the east to west sea,                                  
In all the erogenous zones.                                 
                                                            
69900 WOMEN - LIB                    Eloise                   



Women's Lib has a claim: Do respect us,                     
Don't let male piggish phrases deflect us.                  
We want to erase                                            
Each masculine phrase,                                      
Such as "mankind" and "Homo erectus."                       
                                                            
69901 WOMEN - LIB                    Bill Backe-Hansen   P8807



Don't arouse a feminazi's ire,                              
By signalling her your desire;                              
If you flash her some eve,                                  
She'll have - do believe! --                                
Your dick on a stick on a fire!                             
                                                            
69902 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Great grandma got up before dawn,                           
And kept working till day was long gone.                    
She raised fifteen children,                                
But what's so bewilderin',                                  
Never once did she feel put upon.                           
                                                            
69903 WOMEN - LIB                    Don Boen            P8112



Men once owned wives -- bodies and wills.                   
They called shots, hogged all the thrills.                  
Now woman's been freed,                                     
Liberated indeed --                                         
She is free to pay his and her bills.                       
                                                            
69904 WOMEN - LIB                    Ann Gasser          P9311



Let us hope that the sheiks' being brash                    
Won't inspire women's lib to be rash.                       
Though a shortage of gas                                    
Is a pain in the ass,                                       
Just imagine--a shortage of gash!                           
                                                            
69905 WOMEN - LIB                                             



My girl is a women's lib aberation                          
Because she likes copulation.                               
I asked her for some.                                       
She said, "Your time will come.                             
I'm now going through 'girl-stration'."                     
                                                            
69906 WOMEN - LIB                    Edward C. Wolfert   P8112



A crusading lady named Cruze,                               
Was highly advanced in her views.                           
She once in a zoo,                                          
Liberated a gnu,                                            
And was lavishly praised by the News.                       
                                                            
69907 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Now wouldn't a lady look weird,                             
If she grew a mustache and a beard?                         
Yet, if some of the militants,   (If men grew effeminate)   
Lost all their dipilatants,     (For lack of a stem in it,) 
I think their whole game would be queered.                  
                                                            
69908 WOMEN - LIB                    Norm Storer         G0483



Said his wife, "You're her boss, that is true.              
So she does what you want her to do.                        
But I think the law mentions                                
Unwelcome attentions --                                     
'Harass' is one word, and not two!"                         
                                                            
69909 WOMEN - LIB                    John E Mayhood      P9912



There's a mild mannered fellow named Sid,                   
Whose wife...let me tell what she did:                      
She won all their fights                                    
Over feminine rights;                                       
Now poor Sid has to have the next kid!                      
                                                            
69910 WOMEN - LIB                    Don Boen            P8112



Said a man-hater, Willa McWilde,                            
"Goddammit, I find I'm with child.                          
But the heart of the bother,                                
Was telling the father,                                     
The son-of-a-bitch only smiled!"                            
                                                            
69911 WOMEN - LIB                                        G1684



"Can you tell what a husband is, Floss?"                    
The bride gave her fair head a toss;                        
"I certainly can!                                           
A husband's a man                                           
Who believes that you think he is boss!"                    
                                                            
69912 WOMEN - LIB                                        P8112



The editor, Ms. Abigail Cloat                               
Said, "This damn Ms. gets my goat."                         
A farmhand today                                            
Busts his balls for his pay.                                
"Busts his or her balls," Cloat rewrote.                    
                                                            
69913 WOMEN - LIB                                        P8503



"I'll stand up for my rights," yelled Miss Marrs,           
But all she could show were some scars.                     
For the males, as one, rose,                                
And resorted to blows,                                      
As she crashed homosexual bars.                             
                                                            
69914 WOMEN - LIB                                             



A man in the forest stood long                              
And spoke his opinions out strong.                          
Though no woman was near,                                   
The questions appear:                                       
Without woman, is he still wrong?                           
                                                            
69915 WOMEN - LIB                    Res Ipsa                 



In these days of confusion and strife,                      
That divide even husband and wife,                          
Don't you long for the old days,                            
Those have-and-to-hold days,                                
When wives knew their station in life?                      
                                                            
69916 WOMEN - LIB                    Don Boen            P8112



Now, Affirmative Action's the sort                          
Of amendment that I might support.                          
If we save the bill for                                     
The next major war...                                       
Then let feminists hold down the fort.                      
                                                            
69917 WOMEN - LIB                    William N. Nesbit   P9703



Said the female exec to her beau,                           
"I've developed a pragmatic credo.                          
I support ERA                                               
But there are times when I stray                            
And the lib I support is libido."                           
                                                            
69918 WOMEN - LIB                    Ashland Lions Club  P9012



Says a showgirl who works at the Lido,                      
"I've accepted a flexible credo:                            
I support women's rights,                                   
But there are, frankly, nights                              
When the Lib that I flaunt is libido."                      
                                                            
69919 WOMEN - LIB                                             



In a Texas bordello, where Dallas is,                       
Where a tough women's libber named Alice is,                
All the ladies regard                                       
It increasingly hard                                        
To subscribe to those masculine phalluses.                  
                                                            
69920 WOMEN - LIB                    Keith MacMillan     A113D



Some women of breeding and class,                           
Who venture to picket en masse,                             
Will quote from McLuhan,                                    
To each guy they're screwin',                               
And preach on the crassness of grass.                       
                                                            
69921 WOMEN - LIB                                             



The far right fanatics are bumming.                         
A boogie-man's needed, they're humming.                     
The commies are dead,                                       
Their new chant instead?                                    
"Look out, the women are coming."                           
                                                            
69922 WOMEN - LIB                    John Roberts        P9301



The best world has no war at all;                           
No famine nor disease cast a pall.                          
Cancer is curable,                                          
All goods are durable,                                      
And all men are just two feet tall.                         
                                                            
69923 WOMEN - LIB                    Marlene                  



The girls who espouse liberation                            
Want no part of male fornication.                           
They spend all their nights,                                
Passing up these delights                                   
And enjoying their own "mistress-bation".                   
                                                            
69924 WOMEN - LIB                    Edward C. Wolfert   P8112



A hard line fem libber at Yale                              
To the opposite sex would bewail                            
To support ERA                                              
For she hoped to convey                                     
That a Ms is as good as a male.                             
                                                            
69925 WOMEN - LIB                    Bob Giandomenico    P8811



The feminists' movement's fast trip                         
Was started by Nietzche's curt quip                         
That some thought exquisite;                                
"When going to visit                                        
The woman, forget not the whip!"                            
                                                            
69926 WOMEN - LIB                    Travis Brasell           



Whenever the Women's Lib molls,                             
Throw parties, they tear down the walls.                    
They sing and they dance,                                   
In their bell-bottom pants,                                 
But you can't say they really have balls.                   
                                                            
69927 WOMEN - LIB                                             



The distaff contingent we vex                               
With our rhymes about full-figured sex.                     
But could they make funny                                   
A stud with no money                                        
With flabby and ill-defined pecks?                          
                                                            
69928 WOMEN - LIB                    J'Carlin                 



Said a God-fearing lady called Whitehouse,                  
"I am going to retire to a lighthouse,                      
Where never is heard                                        
A four-letter word,                                         
And nobody calls you a shitehouse."                         
                                                            
69929 WOMEN - LIB                    Roger Woddis             



To be judged by the color of tresses                        
Or mammary size sorely distresses                           
Me and my "sisters."                                        
Your thoughtlessness, Misters,                              
Certainly seems quite regressive.                           
                                                            
69930 WOMEN - LIB                    Arden                    



An old whore named Lulu McPherson,                          
Agreeable but a grudge she was nursin'.                     
When referring to gender,                                   
This request she would render:                              
"Don't call me a call-girl -- call-person!"                 
                                                            
69931 WOMEN - LIB                    Jane D. Hughes      P9205



Gals, you should never have to do                           
Anything you do not want to.                                
If he asks for more                                         
Throw him out the door,                                     
And tell him to himself go screw.                           
                                                            
69932 WOMEN - LIB                                             



I try with all the men that I meet,                         
To find with full measures complete.                        
Adding up their whole sum,                                  
Totals more than a thumb,                                   
And comes in somewhat closer to feet.                       
                                                            
69933 WOMEN - LIB                                             



To the women of NOW there has been                          
A desire to eliminate men.                                  
To this I'm aghast,                                         
So I look to the past                                       
For the old fashioned women of THEN.                        
                                                            
69934 WOMEN - LIB                    Shelby Forrest           



A woman's lib gal with a mission                            
Explained her distaste for coition:                         
"Though fucking I love                                      
If I'm on him above,                                        
But I can't stand the lower position."                      
                                                            
69935 WOMEN - LIB                                        P8112



A women's lib lady, Miss Beggs,                             
Resolved to advance a few pegs,                             
So she wore a man's pants                                   
And she took a man's stance,                                
But she pissed all over her legs.                           
                                                            
69936 WOMEN - LIB                    Albin Chaplin   3024-1946



If LIBBERS still parity wish,                               
Consider you-son-of-a-bish.                                 
The "bitch" first discard                                   
For sexless "bastard",                                      
Then gLIBly to "daughter of..." swish.                      
                                                            
69937 WOMEN - LIB                    Irving Superior     P9103



The old double standard's alive;                            
The churches allow it to thrive.                            
But I won't obey,                                           
No how and no way!                                          
That's why no man took me to wive.                          
                                                            
69938 WOMEN - LIB                                             



I seek no response from NOW femme;                          
I'd rather protect my old stem.                             
I find that their ire                                       
Just quenches my fire.                                      
I don't care for feminist phlegm.                           
                                                            
69939 WOMEN - LIB                    Chris Papa               



Why was good-natured, well-meaning Earl                     
Dubbed a dastardly, chauvinist churl?                       
Was he shameless and vile?                                  
A depraved pedophile?                                       
No! he called a NOW person a "girl"!                        
(NOW - National Organization of Women - for libbers - McW)  
69940 WOMEN - LIB                    William N. Nesbit   P9608



"Squawk, squawk!" Bloody chickens, I say.                   
Give 'em dick 'cause they want a good lay;                  
But as soon as your stalk                                   
Plunges in 'em, they squawk                                 
About "rights" and "harassment" today.                      
                                                            
69941 WOMEN - LIB                                             



A Women's Lib leader named Stutz,                           
Is known to have plenty of guts.                            
When asked what she'd need                                  
To be totally freed,                                        
She snarled at her questioner, "Nuts!"                      
                                                            
69942 WOMEN - LIB                                             



My admin assist. makes me fidget,                           
I swear she's as lovely as Gidget.                          
I said, "Your hair smell nice."                             
She then turned me in... twice!                             
I think it's because I'm a midget.                          
                                                            
69943 WOMEN - LIB                                             



A revisionist female huperson,                              
Was arrested for posing a new person.                       
Her personifesto                                            
Persondated arrest: Lo!                                     
Her President Mary S. Truperson.                            
                                                            
69944 WOMEN - LIB                    Cybergeezer              



When few ladies ventured so far                             
As to smoke or to stand at the bar,                         
When many might fret                                        
At a mere cigarette,                                        
Amy Lowell preferred a cigar.                               
                                                            
69945 WOMEN - LIB                    A. N. Wilkins       P9202



As a woman who reached her full growth,                     
Having stuck to this one solemn oath:                       
Never once to feel shame                                    
Over being a dame                                           
And a bitch, I am proud to be both.                         
                                                            
69946 WOMEN - LIB                    Goin2later               



You Women's Lib gals won't agree,                           
But dependent on men you must be.                           
You'll still need a him                                     
With a rod firm and trim,                                   
To puggle your water-drains free!                           
                                                            
69947 WOMEN - LIB                                        G0235



Of marriage, I've not a kind word;                          
For my hubby has been quite a turd.                         
I'd as soon be alone                                        
As to hear him moan.                                        
I'd rather be free as a bird.                               
                                                            
69948 WOMEN - LIB                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The sheikh said, "If I may be glib,                         
When I like the cut of her jib,                             
I don't try to find                                         
Whether she has a mind                                      
Or if she supports Women's Lib.                             
                                                            
69949 WOMEN - LIB                    A. N. Wilkins       P8407



A radical member of NOW                                     
Remained chaste and unsullied, somehow.                     
Was it her politics                                         
That discouraged the dicks,                                 
Or because she resembled a cow?                             
                                                            
69950 WOMEN - LIB                    William N. Nesbit   P9606



A feminist, fetchingly scented,                             
In a charming hotel room she'd rented,                      
Had picked up a guy                                         
In the street, passing by,                                  
When she said, "Right on!", boy! she meant it.              
                                                            
69951 WOMEN - LIB                    Isaac Asimov        P8112



"Emission Rules Tightened"...Today                          
Cried the headlines!  I just have to say                    
It's a seminal ruling                                       
In the field of prick-tooling;                              
The Fems have again got their way!                          
                                                            
69952 WOMEN - LIB                    TuttaGioia               



There was a young lady of Cowerbie,                         
Who said, "Oh, the men really bore me!                      
But I reckon, without 'em,                                  
Though I hate 'em and scout 'em,                            
There just would be no one to scour me."                    
                                                            
69953 WOMEN - LIB                                        L0822



A foreman who's known to be rude,                           
Said something a worker thought lewd.                       
Though red in the face,                                     
She's got a court case,                                     
So it's his ass that's going to be screwed.                 
                                                            
69954 WOMEN - LIB                                             



A young women's libber named Dee,                           
Thought her job should be equal and free.                   
She got her promotion,                                      
But not by devotion,                                        
But by screwing the senior V.P.                             
                                                            
69955 WOMEN - LIB                    Laurence Craft           



Said an ex-Bunny, Miss Winifred Hyde,                       
"I, the person, will not be denied."                        
When asked, "What's to be done,                             
When a man wants his fun?"                                  
"You can play with yourselves," she replied.                
                                                            
69956 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Shed a tear for poor brainwashed Miss Beek,                 
Who, though blessed with a glorious physique,               
Hot-blooded and passionate,                                 
As to sex, she would ration it                              
On some crackpot Liberation mystique.                       
                                                            
69957 WOMEN - LIB                                        G1528



All day I've been singing the blues                         
Then finally I just blew a fuse!                            
They don't seem to hear --                                  
They just wanna leer.                                       
I'm so sick of men and the views!                           
                                                            
69958 WOMEN - LIB                                             



There once was an old women's libber,                       
Who spouted a load of old gibber,                           
'Til Angus said "Och!                                       
What you need is my cock!"                                  
And sorted her out with his dibber.                         
                                                            
69959 WOMEN - LIB                    Peter Wilkins            



An ardent campaigner named Raines,                          
When parading for feminine gains,                           
Was arrested at once,                                       
For engaging in stunts,                                     
That left several permanent stains.                         
                                                            
69960 WOMEN - LIB                                             



The Chauvinist said, "Don't you see,                        
Women's Lib is just pure fantasy.                           
There'll be equal sexes                                     
When men wear Kotexes,                                      
And women stand up when they pee!                           
                                                            
69961 WOMEN - LIB                    Jim                      



For a woman to really be free                               
And with men hold her place equally,                        
She must wear up in front                                   
A man's fly at her cunt,                                    
And must learn how to stand up to pee.                      
                                                            
69962 WOMEN - LIB                    Albin Chaplin   3024-2071



With unisex, such as it is,                                 
It's hard to tell Mr. from Ms.                              
But I think it's like this:                                 
When they stand up to piss,                                 
It's hers that will miss and not his.                       
                                                            
69963 WOMEN - LIB                    Pierce Evans             



Now that women have found liberation,                       
They feel that male sex they can ration.                    
So who do I turn to                                         
When I have a yearn to?                                     
Thank God, there is still masturbation.                     
                                                            
69964 WOMEN - LIB                                        P8112



"I'll do the ropin' and tyin'                               
While you do the fetchin' and fryin',"                      
He said, waxing glib,                                       
But she was a Lib,                                          
So the cowboy's still single and tryin'.                    
                                                            
69965 WOMEN - LIB                    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Once bedded, your militant miss,                            
Is likely to say, with a hiss,                              
"By God, all us sisters,                                    
Would kick out you misters,                                 
If we didn't need that to fit this."                        
                                                            
69966 WOMEN - LIB                                             



A lady biologist, Faye,                                     
Hopes that parthenogenesis may,                             
Some day sever the nexus,                                   
Between the two sexes.                                      
How I hope I can live 'til that day!                        
                                                            
69967 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Women's Libbers in business are brash.                      
They are tyrants with credit or cash.                       
But their odd chromosomes                                   
Shift erogenous zones,                                      
And they soon start to grow a moustache.                    
                                                            
69968 WOMEN - LIB                    Arthur Deex         P8112



A reporter who worked on the journal,                       
Once said to his girlfriend, "Why, sure, Nell,              
If you don't mind a mess,                                   
Just hike up your dress,                                    
And then you can use the man's urinal."                     
                                                            
69969 WOMEN - LIB                    Isaac Asimov             



A bellicose female named Cora,                              
Thinks wedlock a male-driven horror,                        
And sub rosa screwing                                       
Ain't what Libs are doing,                                  
Tune in for her answer tomorrow.                            
                                                            
69970 WOMEN - LIB                                             



What? Low pay and birthrate concerns?                       
Hire N.O.W. to replace the interns!                         
We know they hug                                            
That big Oval rug;                                          
They've cold asses with ugly knee burns.                    
                                                            
69971 WOMEN - LIB                    Annie Jay                



There once was a woman named Ann,                           
Who was said to be quite like a man.                        
When Nature did call,                                       
She ran down the hall                                       
And went into the gentleman's can.                          
                                                            
69972 WOMEN - LIB                    Jim Weaver Collection    



We women have thrown off our fetters;                       
We're no longer shy suffragetters.                          
Of course we can do                                         
Anything that you                                           
Men can, but we do it better.                               
                                                            
69973 WOMEN - LIB                    Ericka                   



When Chiles called women "weaker sex,"                      
It put the whole State in a vex.                            
"A sexist," they cried.                                     
"Misquoted," replied,                                       
"I really said, 'the week-end sex'."                        
                                                            
69974 WOMEN - LIB                    Irving Superior     P9103



A witty young lad was named Nick                            
And made comments witty and slick.                          
Always quite lucid,                                         
He'd go for the stupid                                      
And feminists wielding their schtick.                       
                                                            
69975 WOMEN - LIB                    Anon                     



Unbra'd in her T-shirt, Miss Young,                         
Caused anti-lib cads to give tongue.                        
And 'twas off she'd git pissed                              
When a chauvinist hissed,                                   
"You are certainly, lady, well hung!"                       
                                                            
69976 WOMEN - LIB                    Jim Weaver Collection    



A militant WAC, an old colonel,                             
Protests in a manner infernal.                              
Each week, without fail,                                    
She sends a dead whale,                                     
To the Editor: Ladies Home Journal.                         
                                                            
69977 WOMEN - LIB                                             



No women, not grannies, not lasses --                       
Not any such downtrodden classes,                           
Are allowed in corrals --                                   
Not NO kind of gals --                                      
Just wait until ERA passes.                                 
                                                            
69978 WOMEN - LIB                    Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes



Ugly feminist head rears again,                             
Over Willy; well, men will be men.                          
Clarence got it all wrong.                                  
If he whipped out his dong,                                 
He'd have sailed through ninety to ten.                     
(Clarence Thomas supreme court nominee and judge)           
69979 WOMEN - LIB                    Jim Weaver Collection    



The right to decide when to screw,                          
Is one that the femmes now pursue.                          
If the girls get the voice,                                 
In making that choice,                                      
It won't be how much, but with who.                         
                                                            
69980 WOMEN - LIB                                             



Dear ladies, we don't give a hang,                          
If you start up a feminine gang.                            
But here is the thing:                                      
If you don't have our ying,                                 
What the hell will you do with your yang.                   
                                                            
69981 WOMEN - LIB                                             



They approached the designer, John Wurtz,                   
Who spearheaded man-tailored shirts.                        
"You cannot decline                                         
To change your design.                                      
We must have zippered flies on our skirts".                 
                                                            
69982 WOMEN - LIB                    Arnie Schoenbrun    P0206



Those women who call themselves Ms.,                        
Assert the perogatives of his.                              
Though clearly obsequious                                   
In matters quite devious,                                   
They still want to sit down to piss.                        
                                                            
69983 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                               P8112



The gains now achieved by a Ms.,                            
Make her world more equal to his.                           
But parity dangles                                          
By reason of angles,                                        
For the Ms. lacked the standing to piss.                    
                                                            
69984 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                               P8112



Here's to the girls known as Ms.,                           
They've usurped a world once his.                           
They've taken our clothes,                                  
Our jobs and our beaux,                                     
But they still have to sit down to piss.                    
                                                            
69985 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                               P8112



For us fellows the marital arts                             
Are a pain like the dropping of farts,                      
Watching football and boozing                               
And yawning and snoozing                                    
And scratching one's genital parts.                         
                                                            
69986 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



But for girls there is plenty of work;                      
Scrubbing floors for example's a perk;                      
Washing dishes and cooking                                  
And cleaning and fooking                                    
And ... why are you going berserk?                          
                                                            
69987 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



Now why should us girls run amuck?                          
Being a maid and occasional fuck,                           
Might be a good job,                                        
But I hear you're a slob,                                   
With maids then you'd have no luck.                         
                                                            
69988 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



With the sexual toys of today,                              
Women don't need men anyway.                                
We keep them around                                         
Because we have found                                       
Sometimes we need more hands to play.                       
                                                            
69989 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



You'll realize when waking at dawn,                         
With buzzer battery overdrawn,                              
Whatever you say                                            
You'll need men one day,                                    
That little toy won't mow a lawn.                           
                                                            
69990 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



Someone asked if I still like men.                          
Well, yes, mostly I do, but, then                           
That's in the abstract                                      
And I might retract                                         
It, about single pigs in the pen.                           
                                                            
69991 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



If they make a real oinky point,                            
I might be inspired to anoint                               
That one with a crown                                       
And my fiercest frown:                                      
"The worst M.C.P. in the joint."                            
                                                            
69992 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



Women's protests arrest our attention,                      
And sometimes they change our intention.                    
And when done in the nude,                                  
They create a good mood                                     
That's augmented by penile distention.                      
                                                            
69993 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0304



Women's protests are staged for a cause,                    
Such as changing or making new laws.                        
But their protests work best                                
With bare pussy and breast,                                 
When they take off their panties and bras.                  
                                                            
69994 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0304



Women's protests are often dramatical                       
And sometimes their causes are radical.                     
Men all like it when they                                   
Show us bare T and A,                                       
Though results are oft times problematical                  
                                                            
69995 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0304



I just have to say what I need                              
And I'll get it? It's guaranteed?                           
Hot damn! Need a maid!                                      
And to be better paid!                                      
From housework I need to be freed!                          
                                                            
69996 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



I want someone to do my nails                               
And cook me those buttery snails!                           
Wash all the dishes,                                        
Fulfill all my wishes,                                      
And send and receive my e-mails!                            
                                                            
69997 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



I'm glad I dropped in here today                            
Before your kind words went astray.                         
So when do you think                                        
You can start? (wink, wink!)                                
I can't wait to get out and play!                           
                                                            
69998 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



To do all your housework (unpaid),                          
And to act as your personal maid,                           
I have pleaded, cajoled,                                    
And at last I've struck gold,                               
By persuading my neighbour, young Jade.                     
                                                            
69999 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



She'll willingly see to your nails,                         
Wash your dishes, look after your mails,                    
Cook escargots in wine                                      
Which are simply divine,                                    
For she picks out the juiciest snails.                      
                                                            
70000 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



The candles and wine, though, I'll bring us                 
And using my flexible fingers                               
Massage you and rub                                         
You with oils in your tub;                                  
And I hope you enjoy cunnilingus.                           
                                                            
70001 WOMEN - LIB - SERIES                                    



A forward young girl from Australia                         
Showed off all her paraphernalia.                           
When starting to preen,                                     
Said, "I feel like a queen,                                 
And people adore my regalia."                               
                                                            
70002 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Bill Backe-Hansen   P8611



A beautiful woman is one's desire,                          
A homely woman to inspire.                                  
One cannot tire                                             
To gaze upon fire,                                          
For each one is perfect in attire.                          
                                                            
70003 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



Support all the girls who demand                            
These gross competitions be banned;                         
Degrading they be,                                          
As I think you'll agree,                                    
And it's time that we all took a stand.                     
                                                            
70004 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Peter Wilkins            



Miss World, Miss Japan and Miss Kitts,                      
(To name but a few) are the pits;                           
They are lacking in taste                                   
And should be replaced                                      
With Miss Pussy, Miss Ass and Miss Tits.                    
                                                            
70005 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Peter Wilkins            



I know this girl named Beth,                                
Whose beauty steals my breath.                              
Five foot three, eyes of brown,                             
Long brown hair hanging down,                               
And always impecably dressed.                               
                                                            
70006 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Gearhart                 



She is a rare sight to see;                                 
As flawless gem of artistry.                                
Always bubbly and warm                                      
And so full of charm.                                       
Those that see me with her, envy me.                        
                                                            
70007 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Gearhart                 



When Dudly Moore came to America,                           
He gave that cute film star, Bo Derrick, a                  
Prize-winning 'Ten';                                        
Now I have a yen                                            
To give at least ten to our Ericka.                         
                                                            
70008 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Travis Brasell           



In your southern home, Palladian,                           
We'll find the rhythms circadian.                           
And I'll shout "Amen!"                                      
When you give me a "Ten",                                   
'Cause that's just like fifteen Canadian!                   
                                                            
70009 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Ericka                   



The ugliest gals in Pawkisski                               
Turned beautiful, sexy and frisky.                          
It happened quite soon                                      
In a raucous saloon,                                        
When I guzzled a fifth of cheap whisky.                     
                                                            
70010 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Travis Brasell           



There was a young lady named Dot,                           
She doesn't know what she has got.                          
It is a strange gift                                        
That gives egos a lift,                                     
And the boys seem to like it a lot.                         
                                                            
70011 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Miss June the First is erased                               
And now has been duly replaced,                             
By Miss June the Second                                     
More suited, I've reckoned,                                 
To all you good people's good taste.                        
                                                            
70012 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



July is but three weeks away,                               
So send me some good ones, I pray.                          
I'll pick and I'll edit                                     
And give you the credit;                                    
I get in less trouble that way.                             
                                                            
70013 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



Not this moment, but coming real soon:                      
A partner to go with Miss June.                             
So you ladies as well                                       
Have someplace to dwell,                                    
As you lurk by the light of the moon.                       
                                                            
70014 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



To my darling lass out in Maryland,                         
I've shipped myself out in a barrel and                     
Once I arrive,                                              
I'll eat her alive;                                         
My loving sweet lass name of Carolyn.                       
                                                            
70015 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Gearhart                 



There was a sensational girl                                
Who had quite a cute little curl,                           
And her beautiful face                                      
Made one want to embrace,                                   
Like the oyster embraces the pearl.                         
                                                            
70016 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Warrick Elrod            



I consider it almost a duty                                 
To recognize art and its beauty.                            
Like music and poems                                        
And Shakespearean tomes                                     
And the nurse up the road who's a cutie.                    
                                                            
70017 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady named Julie,                         
Whose dad was a Hong Kong born coolie.                      
The young girl was no fool,                                 
Learned her manners in school.                              
When introduced to a man, said yours truly.                 
                                                            
70018 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



Never mind if they're fat or they're lean,                  
Real buxom or somewhere between.                            
Real bright or real dumb,                                   
Here's one rule of thumb:                                   
It sure helps a lot if they're clean                        
                                                            
70019 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



I love all those foibles of Nancy's --                      
In fact I love all of her fancies.                          
Her nipples, her tits,                                      
And her other sweet bits,                                   
Hidden teasingly 'neath her dear pantsies.                  
                                                            
70020 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Peter Wilkins            



This calendar (bought from the web)                         
Near my desk is still showing Miss Feb.                     
For I can't keep my eyes                                    
Off her glorious thighs --                                  
Spitting image of Bessie is Deb.                            
                                                            
70021 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



A Kentucky cowboy named Bert,                               
Met a city gal in a short skirt.                            
His face turned bright red;                                 
He spluttered and said,                                     
"You're lovely, you're shapely, you're pert!"               
                                                            
70022 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



I concede that what you say is true,                        
But a man must be careful, now, Hugh,                       
'Cause a woman's singing                                    
Can sometimes be stinging,                                  
And will leave the poor guy in a stew!                      
                                                            
70023 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



There was a young girlie from Lancing,                      
Delightfully pert and entrancing,                           
Who bet one and all                                         
At the Saturday Ball,                                       
She could make all the fellows come dancing.                
                                                            
70024 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Peter Wilkins            



As a lady, I mustn't be rude,                               
Though I am sure I am never a prude.                        
My Mother said, "Daughter,                                  
Be proper you otter,                                        
And never, but never be crude."                             
                                                            
70025 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jean Fox                 



A lady must always be sweet,                                
Polite and attentive and neat.                              
Your clothes never wrinkle,                                 
And laugh with a twinkle,                                   
And men you will sweep off their feet.                      
                                                            
70026 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jean Fox                 



"Yes Mother", to her I would say,                           
A good girl -- I'd always obey.                             
But now I am older                                          
And got so much bolder,                                     
I'm sweeping and running astray!                            
(sweeping men off their feet)                               
70027 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jean Fox                 



My good man, good luck on your quest;                       
May you find a rare maiden with zest,                       
Whose lips give you pleasure                                
(And reveal hidden treasure)                                
Who'll not bitch, nag, and whine like the rest.             
                                                            
70028 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jeeves                   



Too much has been made of romance;                          
I don't give romance a chance.                              
They say their goodbyes,                                    
Leaving you butterflies,                                    
And you most times don't get in their pants.                
                                                            
70029 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



I'm tired of these damyankee twits;                         
I'll sneak south to stroke sweet 'Bama tits;                
Underneath Spanish moss,                                    
On her bush, I will floss                                   
My teeth, and she'll feed me some grits.                    
                                                            
70030 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Allen Wolverton          



It's those cold yankee chicks that I hate,                  
With asses so big, they look fake.                          
Those big nasty thighs                                      
Make me run and hide.                                       
It's those Florida babes that I'll date.                    
                                                            
70031 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Cool Breeze              



They're slim and they're trim and they're tight.            
They'll stay and they'll ride you all night.                
Their pussies are bald,                                     
And so hot they may scald                                   
Your balls in the palish moonlight.                         
                                                            
70032 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Cool Breeze              



There was a young girl from Oliver,                         
And all the men did follow her,                             
Until a guy came along,                                     
And played her his song,                                    
And all the rest quit callin' her.                          
                                                            
70033 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



A lovely young lady of leisure,                             
Had more men than many might measure.                       
She found far flung fame                                    
Engaged in the game,                                        
Pursuing such passionate pleasure.                          
                                                            
70034 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Chris Papa               



In the village that's well known as Lepp,                   
The girls there would sure give one pep.                    
They've a wonderful carriage                                
And are red-ripe for marriage;                              
Don't go further if you're taking that step.                
                                                            
70035 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Linda Marsh Coll         



There once was a girl who's named Meghan,                   
So charming, she had the boys beggin'.                      
Wanting to get with her,                                    
Just to pet her fur;                                        
She sent them away with tails waggin'.                      
                                                            
70036 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Anon                     



There's a lovely young woman named Donna;                   
Most fellows who see her would wanna.                       
Although she seems naive,                                   
She will rapidly leave                                      
If anyone thinks he is gonna!                               
                                                            
70037 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jim Weaver Collection    



You bosomy bountiful girls                                  
Are simply delectable pearls.                               
Now Lolita is history,                                      
Come show me the mystery                                    
You hide 'neath those beautiful curls.                      
                                                            
70038 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



A cunt who could walk, talk, and fart,                      
Was moist and incredibly smart.                             
Her pal Dick came in,                                       
And so did his twin,                                        
To discuss the dimensions of art.                           
                                                            
70039 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jayne                    



I really am dreadfully choosy,                              
For I don't want a tart or a floozy.                        
I want a woman of class                                     
With and impeccable ass;                                    
I think I should try to get Suzie.                          
                                                            
70040 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Bob Mornington           



So go get Suzie if you must,                                
She of the firmly round bust.                               
Look at how snazzy                                          
Sexy and jazzy;                                             
No finer woman can you trust.                               
                                                            
70041 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Arden                    



The truth about Mary is she's                               
Still young and quite eager to please.                      
She's not yet grown fickle                                  
About who's hard dick'll                                    
Get access to that 'twixt her knees.                        
                                                            
70042 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jon Gearhart             



The truth about Mary is he's                                
A guy known as Gary.  So please                             
If you're feeling fickle,                                   
Remember his dick'll                                        
Surprise you -- he's hung to his knees.                     
                                                            
70043 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Randog                   



That's not the sweet Mary I know;                           
She's feminine there down below.                            
She's got a tight trench                                    
And there's hardly a stench.                                
She's recently just met Aunt Flo.                           
                                                            
70044 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Jon Gearhart             



I went out with a girl 6' 3",                               
Blonde and statuesque as could be --                        
Thoughts of her in my bed                                   
Were struck from my head;                                   
Cold-cocked by a 38-D.                                      
                                                            
70045 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Dr Limerick              



My love life looks ready to start,                          
As there's a girl who's stolen my heart.                    
But I have to confess,                                      
Things are in a mess;                                       
We live five thousand miles apart.                          
                                                            
70046 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



In the park, a young fellow named Stu,                      
In the late afternoons, liked the view;                     
For he'd sit and he'd sigh                                  
As the women walked by,                                     
As the sun, on their dresses, shone through.                
                                                            
70047 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Cap'n Bean               



There was a young lady named Kitty,                         
Who was thought by her friends to be pretty.                
When "Miss World" was announced,                            
To the judges she flounced,                                 
They had said she could not win her city.                   
                                                            
70048 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There's a lassie in Antigonish                              
Who the boys all agree is a dish.                           
Do I wish I could bend her                                  
In tender surrender?                                        
Oh I wish!  Yes I wish!  How I wish!                        
                                                            
70049 WOMEN - LOVELY                 John Mayhood        P0112



The dirty old man had his say:                              
"I go to the gym every day.                                 
I never work out;                                           
That's not what I'm about;                                  
I ogle the young T and A."                                  
                                                            
70050 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Arnie Schoenbrun    P0303



There was a young girl, Oh so chaste!                       
Some boys found this just to their taste.                   
When they went for a walk                                   
They did nothing but talk,                                  
Which some of their friends called a waste.                 
                                                            
70051 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Arthur Pattaffy          



A delicate maid from Parsippany                             
Underwent an ecstatic epiphany.                             
"With my hair decked in flowers,                            
Young swains wait for hours                                 
One mile downwind to get just a whiff of me!"               
                                                            
70052 WOMEN - LOVELY                 Stiffy Joe               



OK now; I'm shutting my eyes.                               
(Sheesh it's dark - but it's worth a few tries.             
I see ripples of light.                                     
No; they're nipples all right                               
And Waahey! I see bumcracks and thighs.)                    
                                                            
70053 WOMEN - LOVELY                                          



While preparing the nest for her chicks,                    
Mommy's good sense and judgment were nix.                   
Despite her credentials,                                    
She forgot the essentials                                   
And the first meal at home was breadsticks.                 
(This series was chapter headings of Taking Care Of Mommy)  
70054 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



With her measurements now overflowing,                      
Margaret knew her condition was showing.                    
For her comfort she fetched                                 
A new wardrobe that stretched,                              
To give Junior and Mom room for growing.                    
                                                            
70055 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



In the hospital, basement to rafter,                        
Wendy's steamer trunk met with much laughter.               
Acting most dignified,                                      
She calmly replied,                                         
"I've left room to pack souvenirs after."                   
                                                            
70056 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



In her choice of pediatrician,                              
Beth was guided by this definition,                         
"He's on call 'round the clock                              
For the needs of his flock,                                 
In the best Marcus Welby tradition.                         
                                                            
70057 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Marci started with great expectations,                      
Sifting dozens of recommendations,                          
But in all of the batch,                                    
Not one sitter did match                                    
Mary Poppins in qualifications.                             
                                                            
70058 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Before reaching the hospital, Annie                         
Was as modest and shy as a granny.                          
This was quickly removed                                    
Since delivery behooved                                     
That she boldly exhibit her fanny!                          
                                                            
70059 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Nancy commented to husband Fritz,                           
"Though it's not quite a nice as the Ritz,                  
The attention's a treat,                                    
And I'm just a few feet                                     
From a bath with my own private sitz."                      
                                                            
70060 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



In their quest to extend their good wishes,                 
Friends and neighbors were most expeditious,                
On the fragile excuse                                       
That they might be of use,                                  
They dropped in at times most inauspicious.                 
                                                            
70061 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



From Day One, it was Thelma's intention                     
To give Danny her total attention,                          
But the baby's demands                                      
Needed four extra hands,                                    
And a six hour daily extension.                             
                                                            
70062 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Karen's pregnancy went without hitches,                     
Through delivery right down to the stitches.                
With her labor behind,                                      
She was startled to find,                                   
That she still had to cope with those itches.               
                                                            
70063 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



In her thanks to a misguided shopper,                       
Mommy's note was the essence of proper.                     
While her infant reposed,                                   
Mom adeptly composed,                                       
"Laurie loves her electric corn popper."                    
                                                            
70064 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Caroline satisfied like a glutton                           
Every craving from ice cream to mutton.                     
But her urge to indulge                                     
Left a postpartum bulge;                                    
Now not one skirt or blouse can she button.                 
                                                            
70065 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



One brief glance at her measuring tape                      
Convinced Jane she was quite out of shape.                  
To her utter surprise                                       
She enjoyed exercise;                                       
Now the gym is her favorite escape.                         
                                                            
70066 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Jackie's face gave her friend the impression                
That she suffered post partum depression.                   
But instead of the 'blues,'                                 
It was only tight shoes                                     
Which created her woeful expression.                        
                                                            
70067 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



On their first dinner outing alone,                         
Tom could not keep his wife from the phone.                 
With a purse full of dimes,                                 
Ann called home sixteen times,                              
Just between her peas soup and T-bone.                      
                                                            
70068 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



When the time came to go back to work,                      
Jenny said to concerned husband, Kirk,                      
"Everything will be fine,                                   
If you help toe the line.                                   
We can take a trip North as a perk!"                        
                                                            
70069 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Millie planned her reunion with Pete,                       
So that baby John wouldn't compete.                         
An evening of dancing                                       
And quiet romancing,                                        
Made their first night together complete.                   
                                                            
70070 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



From the start it was Marilyn's aim                         
To get Tom in the parenting game.                           
All his efforts were praised                                
And his confidence raised.                                  
Now 'quick changes' are his claim to fame.                  
                                                            
70071 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Susan gave her Mom lengthly direction                       
On the art of wet diaper detection.                         
Till at last she said, "Sue,                                
Who do you think changed you.                               
I can handle this job to perfection!"                       
                                                            
70072 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



An inheritance from Great Aunt Judy                         
Made Joan think of her own legal duty.                      
To the lawyer she went                                      
And left every cent                                         
In her Will to her new baby, Trudy.                         
                                                            
70073 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Though she dreaded a week's separation,                     
Molly knew it was time for vacation,                        
When her husband inferred                                   
Bottles, burps, and Big Bird                                
Were her main topics of conversation.                       
                                                            
70074 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Paula Linden        P9412



Your mama could not give a fig                              
That you might think her ass is big.                        
But you can take pride                                      
'Cause her ass is that wide,                                
From once giving birth to a pig.                            
                                                            
70075 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



To daugher said mom, "Your room's cluttered!                
Please keep door closed and windows shuttered.              
It's like a pig sty!"                                       
Child's poignant reply,                                     
"I learned it from you, Mom!" she muttered.                 
                                                            
70076 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Observer                 



Said mom, "I'm the property owner!                          
To you, daughter dear, it's a loaner.                       
Have you ever thought                                       
That you should have not                                    
Volunteered to be a brain-transplant donor?"                
                                                            
70077 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Observer                 



My mother is cruel and unkind;                              
She berates me and smacks my behind;                        
And she washes my mouth                                     
Out with soap, north and south,                             
For the thoughts that spring into my mind.                  
                                                            
70078 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Peter Wilkins            



My mom placed on me a curse;                                
Speaking with voice loud and terse:                         
"I hope you have one                                        
Child just like you, son!"                                  
For curses, there ain't any worse!                          
                                                            
70079 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Chris Anton              



In a heart-to-heart talk, mother faced                      
Her daughter and said, "Remain chaste,                      
For a boy can bring shame                                   
Which would sully our name.                                 
If a boy lays on you, I'm disgraced."                       
                                                            
70080 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2036



I'm not superstitious, but then,                            
I walked under a ladder at ten.                             
It felt oh so neat,                                         
So cool and so sweet,                                       
And Mum says I should do it again.                          
                                                            
70081 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Lady North         TP9807



There once was a young man called Roddy                     
Whose mother was awfully shoddy.                            
She groaned and she whined,                                 
But when she was dined,                                     
She surrendered her voluptuous body.                        
                                                            
70082 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young man from Calcutta                         
Who was not very nice to his mother.                        
He tore all her clothes,                                    
Put a ring in her nose,                                     
And forced her to beg in the gutter.                        
                                                            
70083 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Peter Hodge              



An artful young fellow named Fred                           
Maneuvered his girl into bed.                               
When she altered her mind                                   
It created no bind --                                       
He screwed her dear mother instead.                         
                                                            
70084 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Albin Chaplin   3024-0154



School days have started they say;                          
In school houses children must stay.                        
Do math and read books,                                     
Endure teachers looks,                                      
While Mom and the gardener play.                            
                                                            
70085 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



Now frost means an end for the mum,                         
So the gardener will no longer come.                        
So if mom gets an itchin',                                  
She stops up the kitchen                                    
And invites the plumber to plumb.                           
                                                            
70086 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



A creamy farm lady named Myrtle,                            
Whose womb was exceedingly fertile,                         
Said, as she sat                                            
On her twentieth brat,                                      
"I must get me a chastity girdle."                          
                                                            
70087 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Macsam                   



Well, virtue is all well and good,                          
And listen to mother, you should;                           
But once you are grown,                                     
With a mind of your own,                                    
New things you can try, if you would.                       
                                                            
70088 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



Now, chastity's alright for a nun,                          
But vice is a whole lot more fun.                           
(And Mom knows this, too,                                   
But she doesn't want you                                    
To do all the things she has done!)                         
                                                            
70089 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



A stylish young gent in St. Pierre                          
Had a girl friend and oft went to Sierre.                   
She was Gladys by name                                      
And one eve when he came,                                   
Her mother said, "Gladys St. Hierre."                       
                                                            
70090 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Roy Baldridge       P9210



My momma once had told me:                                  
"Believe only half what you see,                            
And not one word                                            
Of anything heard,                                          
Until verified emphatically!                                
                                                            
70091 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



A grandmum's the best thing to be;                          
Experience much more and you'll see.                        
Some little chippy                                          
May make you go Whoopie!                                    
But a grandmum's satisfaction guarantee.                    
                                                            
70092 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Azul                     



My grandmother never had sex;                               
As a youngster I knew that's a fact.                        
And now that I'm grown,                                     
If the white hair is showin',                               
I can't get a sexual reflex.                                
                                                            
70093 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Azul                     



Once child-care was left to the Mothers;                    
We revered them above all the others.                       
Now a gal with career                                       
Is the one we revere,                                       
Thinking, house-wife a life-style that smothers.            
                                                            
70094 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller              



There was a young lass named Lee,                           
Who debauched on a wild long spree.                         
Now she writes to the papers,                               
Condemning such capers,                                     
And signs herself, "Mother of Three."                       
                                                            
70095 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



Hey, People! It's Mother's Day, Folks!                      
So where are the vile, tasteless jokes?                     
Say at least something raw                                  
'Bout your mother-in-law:                                   
Insult the old bat 'fore she croaks.                        
                                                            
70096 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller              



Well your mom's pussy has mice;                             
Blowflies with maggot and lice.                             
To clean out her cooter,                                    
She called Roto-Rooter,                                     
And they had to ream her out twice.                         
                                                            
70097 WOMEN - MOTHERS                MrMalo                   



It's not right to pick on our mums;                         
All they did was to make our dads comes.                    
It's you who're obscene                                     
And cruel and mean,                                         
And now you just sits on your buns.                         
                                                            
70098 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Archie                   



Picking your snot-ridden nose,                              
With shit on your fingers and those                         
Fly-blown clapped-out balls                                 
Whose smell really galls;                                   
What's left of your dick ain't a rose.                      
                                                            
70099 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Archie                   



What they said was the truth,                               
You west Aussies are so uncouth.                            
He insulted your mum,                                       
So you kicked his bum.                                      
But belittle his dick...Gods Truth!                         
                                                            
70100 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Jule                     



Some things are sacred, you know,                           
And you dealt the man a low blow.                           
You downsized his nuts;                                     
Now that really cuts.                                       
Your mean streak is starting to show.                       
                                                            
70101 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Jule                     



There lives a loose lady in London;                         
Reproductively, she's a fecund 'un.                         
To count all her children                                   
Is simply bewildren--                                       
And the Health Service covers the fundin'!                  
                                                            
70102 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Norm Storer         P9209



Don't ever neglect your poor mama                           
Or use any device than would homma.                         
For you'll find in the end                                  
She's a fella's best friend,                                
!.,                                                         
                                                            
70103 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Brandy Brandon      P9506



Today I'll pay homage to mother                             
Who bore me a sister and brother;                           
And seventeen more                                          
(My gawd--what a chore!)                                    
By Pop, neighbor Joe, and some other.                       
                                                            
70104 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



As I sit down here nursing my beer,                         
'Tis only one thing that I fear:                            
That her highness should call                               
From way down the hall,                                     
That her mother's next visit draws near,                    
                                                            
70105 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



Though Pearl was his regular girl,                          
It's her mom made his pulses awhirl.                        
Now he knows that her oyster                                
Is hotter and moister,                                      
So now he screws Mother of Pearl.                           
                                                            
70106 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Peter Wilkins            



My mother in flesh is not here;                             
I wish that her voice I could hear,                         
Just once more with its love,                               
Cooing like a lone dove,                                    
Watching over her young without fear.                       
                                                            
70107 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Travis Brasell           



The touch of her hand I do miss,                            
And the smell that belonged to her kiss.                    
All her life she was there                                  
Giving me all her care,                                     
Even pain she could make seem like bliss.                   
                                                            
70108 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Travis Brasell           



So today as I think on September,                           
When the glow dimmed like a fading ember,                   
And my heart said goodbye                                   
To Love's personify;                                        
It is my mother whom I remember.                            
                                                            
70109 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Travis Brasell           



A tolerant man named Carruther                              
Claimed one man was good as another.                        
But he soon changed his tune                                
When he saw a buffoon                                       
Fucking away on his mother.                                 
                                                            
70110 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2863



"My daughter is drowning, I knew it!"                       
Hysterically cried Mrs. Hewitt.                             
Said a man who was brave,                                   
"Your dear daughter I'll save."                             
She said, "Don't take your clothes off to do it."           
                                                            
70111 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Albin Chaplin   3024-2646



A mischievous young boy named Hugh                          
Put glue in his mom's oyster stew.                          
She was a bit addled,                                       
Then caught him and paddled                                 
Him till he felt like a canoe!                              
                                                            
70112 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Observer                 



If Politically Correct had their druthers,                  
We'd say only kind things 'bout our Brothers.               
Never mind that our Brothers                                
Think we're Fuckers of Mothers,                             
The Politically Correct more than others.                   
                                                            
70113 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



She felt like a prophet of doom                             
And sat just as still as a tomb.                            
Then the baby went boom                                     
As it came out of her womb                                  
Not a dry handkerchief in the room.                         
                                                            
70114 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Andy Sorenson       P9009



Though your mother is lacking in grace,                     
With a pussy the size of a vase,                            
And her assholes disgusting                                 
With hemorroids crusting,                                   
I can still shoot a load in her face.                       
                                                            
70115 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Hugh Clary               



To ladies, most men are but pests;                          
All are loathe to leave their child nests.                  
To women they cling                                         
And sure have a thing                                       
That centers around wondrous breasts.                       
                                                            
70116 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Chris Papa               



"Mom made me that way", Maggie dear,                        
Is the constant refrain that we hear.                       
I'm sure the 'soft sex'                                     
It's certain to vex;                                        
They raise 'em, each 'pain in the rear.'                    
                                                            
70117 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Chris Papa               



That 'maternal feeling' comes when,                         
Flushed with female estrogen,                               
Dear dames' DNA                                             
Will show them the way                                      
To spoil brats who later are "men".                         
                                                            
70118 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Chris Papa               



A lad should not bellow an oath                             
When mother appears somewhat loath                          
To let daughter stay late                                   
With the lad on a date.                                     
He should simply remain and fuck both.                      
                                                            
70119 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Albin Chaplin   3024-0281



The flop is not natural you know,                           
I can't get it up over ho's,                                
Like you and you sister,                                    
And girls with big blisters,                                
But your mother can get me to go.                           
                                                            
70120 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



Step aside you ugly young whore,                            
Let me bugger your mum on the floor.                        
Her anus is tight,                                          
In fact, its just right,                                    
Bring me more mums by the score.                            
                                                            
70121 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



The mother-in-law, built like a truck,                      
Came with the wife, just my luck.                           
So much flesh on the bone,                                  
Her shadows's 4 stone;                                      
When she greets me, I always duck.                          
                                                            
70122 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



Big troubles in life, yes, we've got 'em;                   
I wish though, in your case, you've not 'em;                
Tell "Mom" to get well,                                     
Then go give 'em hell!                                      
This comes from the heart of my bottom!                     
                                                            
70123 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



My mother-in-law is a witch;                                
Can't wait just to bury the bitch.                          
But we try not to show                                      
Our anger, you know,                                        
'Cause the silly old biddy is rich!                         
                                                            
70124 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Kaylin                   



A teenage delinquent named Frank                            
Said, "Mother, I'm too old to spank."                       
She said not a word,                                        
But grabbed the big turd                                    
And beat his ass red with a plank.                          
                                                            
70125 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Despondency, gloom and despair.                             
It would seem I have lost my sweet Claire.                  
She's in love with another;                                 
But wait ... there's her mother                             
Who's gagging for shagging, I swear.                        
                                                            
70126 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



Clever people invented The Bomb,                            
Mars Rover, Pc, Cd-Rom;                                     
They won't be contented                                     
Until they've invented                                      
A full scale replacement for Mom!                           
                                                            
70127 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller 0050         



Once the substitute womb comes to pass,                     
Virgin birth will be common as grass;                       
With the women deserting,                                   
The men will be hurting,                                    
Converting to substitute ass.                               
                                                            
70128 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller 0050a        



An old North woods logger named Hank,                       
He smoked and he cussed and he drank.                       
When asked why he had                                       
All these habits so bad,                                    
Said, "I have my old Mother to thank."                      
                                                            
70129 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Frank Ward          P9310



I know I'm a mother adoring,                                
With stories most others find boring.                       
But if your kids were like mine,                            
You pride would soon shine,                                 
And I'd be the one who was snoring!                         
                                                            
70130 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Half Plume               



Said a wife with twelve kids, Mrs. Shay,                    
"I'm expecting my thirteenth in May.                        
I am done playing games                                     
'Cause we are all out of names.                             
I think I'll call this one 'A-day'.."                       
                                                            
70131 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Michael F. Ellis    P8902



"I've twelve children," said old Mr. Court,                 
And my wife has refused to abort.                           
This makes thirteen to date                                 
And the hospital's great.                                   
I call it my private "heir-port."                           
                                                            
70132 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Michael F. Ellis    P8902



The telephone rings as I bathe;                             
My mother to scold and to scathe:                           
"Are you washing the dishes                                 
Or feeding the fishes?                                      
Is it too much to ask you behave?"                          
                                                            
70133 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



"No mother, I'm taking a soak                               
With heavenly bubbles," I croak.                            
"The vodka has ice;                                         
My book lots of spice;                                      
Just leave me in peace, okey-doke?"                         
                                                            
70134 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Oh Gioia mia, your mum...                                   
Really her timing is dumb!                                  
We've so little time                                        
For our furtive sex crime,                                  
Will she call once again 'fore we come?                     
                                                            
70135 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



To her daughter a lady named Tate                           
Had suggested her sex life should wait,                     
Unaware she'd been laid                                     
By the fire brigade;                                        
So the Tate tete-a-tete came too late.                      
                                                            
70136 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Hugh Oliver         A039A



Today I'll pay homage to Mother                             
Who bore me a sister and brother                            
And seventeen more                                          
(My God -- what a chore!)                                   
By Pop, neighbor Joe, and some other.                       
                                                            
70137 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Travis Brasell           



They'll tell you there's nothing that's finer               
Than to wake up in South Caroliner.                         
Having lived here, I'd druther                              
Wake up with your mother,                                   
Buried deep in her smelly vaginer.                          
                                                            
70138 WOMEN - MOTHERS                                         



I called my son last week, said Hon,                        
Please send me a ticket to come                             
Out for a visit,                                            
To stay for a bit.                                          
I need to have a little fun.                                
                                                            
70139 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Carol                    



"Don't worry, I'll sleep anywhere,                          
Like that really comfy lawn chair                           
I slept on last time.                                       
((My back now feels fine.)                                  
The brace I no longer must wear.                            
                                                            
70140 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Carol                    



"I will babysit all night and day;                          
Your wife and you can go and play.                          
I'll cook and I'll clean,                                   
I'll make your grass green,                                 
Just like I did last year, Okay?                            
                                                            
70141 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Carol                    



"Send a ticket to your poor Mum,                            
So to visit you I can come                                  
For a much needed rest.                                     
I won't be a pest,                                          
And first class too, don't be a bum!"                       
                                                            
70142 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Carol                    



Last night, I was doing my wash,                            
When a woman came in and by gosh,                           
She stripped her kids bare,                                 
Said, "For clean underwear                                  
On our budget, we can't be too posh."                       
                                                            
70143 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller 0102         



I said, "Ma'am, don't your children get chilly?"            
She said, "Mister, you're sure talking silly;               
I feed 'em on greens,                                       
Potatoes and beans,                                         
Than Mexican stuff is too frilly!"                          
                                                            
70144 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller 0102a        



She chose "Pre-soak," then quick as a wink,                 
She popped all three kids in the sink.                      
As she bathed them she said,                                
"Would you have me instead                                  
Put clean clothes on young bodies that stink?"              
                                                            
70145 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller 0102b        



Well I must say her ways were proficient,                   
The results thereof more than sufficient.                   
But somehow I think                                         
One of us needs a shrink;                                   
I could never be quite so efficient.                        
                                                            
70146 WOMEN - MOTHERS                John Miller 0102c        



There was a young fellow from Astor,                        
Who was screwing the wife of the pastor.                    
He said, with a grin                                        
As he started to sin,                                       
"I'd have the daughter too, if I'd asked her."              
                                                            
70147 WOMEN - MOTHERS                VOL 11                   



While through life's options we sift,                       
Hoping we might heal human rift,                            
The birth of a child                                        
To a mother mild                                            
Embodies a most wondrous gift!                              
                                                            
70148 WOMEN - MOTHERS                Bob                      



Young Adele is a trim little craft,                         
Delightfully curved, fore and aft,                          
So that mere observation                                    
Leads to such stimulation,                                  
That her gangplank is always well-staffed.                  
                                                            
70149 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



There's a pretty young woman named Sally,                   
The pride and the joy of our alley.                         
She will do for you                                         
Anything you want to;                                       
Very pally in the alley is Sally.                           
                                                            
70150 WOMEN - NAMED                  Bob                      



I once met a Sally girl too,                                
Drunk and vomiting in my loo.                               
I ask, "Do you mind if                                      
I slip you my fine stiff?                                   
It's something my fetish must do..."                        
                                                            
70151 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jack                     



Amanda's young body is beautiful;                           
Her ass most exceedingly cutieful;                          
Remains to be seen                                          
If she's eager and keen                                     
To be wholly submissive and dutiful.                        
                                                            
70152 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



From Rome to the Lago Maggiore,                             
There's no gal like Angela Torre;                           
Her tits and her ass,                                       
Her lips -- now there's class:                              
All proof that's a posteriori.                              
                                                            
70153 WOMEN - NAMED                  Armand E Singer       954



There was a young charmer named Bell;                       
Whatever she did, she did well.                             
Like jogging or playing                                     
Or cooking or laying --                                     
Or paving the road straight to hell.                        
                                                            
70154 WOMEN - NAMED                  Armand E Singer       298



A bashful and speechless Bernice                            
Would not let a man touch her crease.                       
Said her shrink, "You're too meek;                          
You should learn how to speak,                              
Or forever you must hold your piece."                       
                                                            
70155 WOMEN - NAMED                  Albin Chaplin   3024-1948



An eager nymphette, Betty Doyle,                            
Grabbed the boys she liked to despoil.                      
But when they climbed into bed,                             
The boys jumped out and said,                               
"Your water-bed starting to boil."                          
                                                            
70156 WOMEN - NAMED                  Ed Wolfert          P8405



In Lafayette Square there's a lady                          
Whose name (I just learned) is Bev Grady;                   
She's really attractive                                     
And stays very active                                       
In dealings that may be deemed 'shady.'                     
                                                            
70157 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



For instance, on Saturday nights,                           
Bev stands under street corner lights;                      
She shows off her thighs                                    
And waits there for guys,                                   
Who dance for their living in tights.                       
                                                            
70158 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



On Sundays she goes to two Masses,                          
And sits with twin freckled-faced lasses;                   
When both twins are kneeling,                               
Bev's fearlessly feeling                                    
Their tits and the cunts and their asses.                   
                                                            
70159 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



Each Monday Bev's normal routine                            
Finds her at the old Dairy Queen,                           
Where she lets the cook                                     
Take one lasting look                                       
At her cunt through a torn window screen.                   
                                                            
70160 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



On Tuedays Bev goes to Wong Shu's                           
And buys some fake nails in dark blues;                     
While Wong Shu is gluing                                    
Her nails, Bev starts viewing                               
Some pictures of Wong screwing ewes.                        
                                                            
70161 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



But Wednesday Bev sure has a lot                            
Of fun at her burial plot;                                  
She goes there at seven,                                    
Pretends she's in heaven,                                   
While strumming a harp with her twat.                       
                                                            
70162 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



When Thursday comes, Bev's at the zoo;                      
She feeds all the lions -- apes, too;                       
That night she engages                                      
To enter their cages,                                       
And jerks off the males 'til they spew.                     
                                                            
70163 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



Friday's the day Bev loves best;                            
It's better by far than the rest;                           
She goes in disguise                                        
To old homeless guys,                                       
And pays them to come on her chest.                         
                                                            
70164 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



Bev Grady's a very fine lady,                               
Her actions, though, are a bit 'shady',                     
As you can well see,                                        
But take it from me,                                        
Bev's mild next to her sister Sadie!                        
                                                            
70165 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



A hot-pants young lady named Biddle                         
Cried out in her passion, "Oh, fiddle!                      
Did you come from Eau Claire                                
To jerk off in that chair?                                  
Well, cut out the doodling -- let's diddle!"                
                                                            
70166 WOMEN - NAMED                                      G2085



My buxom french maid, Desiree,                              
Like to housekeep in her negliege.                          
My house is quite neat                                      
But she distends my meat,                                   
And her bed ends up in disarray.                            
                                                            
70167 WOMEN - NAMED                  Rolf Asphaug             



I knew a young girl called Elaine                           
Who spent her early years in deep pain.                     
My name is old fashioned,                                   
I want something passioned;                                 
I want to get christened again!                             
                                                            
70168 WOMEN - NAMED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



Young Doris at summer-time camp                             
Was perpetually horny and damp;                             
She used dildos and toys,                                   
When not screwing the boys,                                 
To relieve them, twice daily, of cramp.                     
                                                            
70169 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



An impatient young woman named Betty                        
Once angrily said to her steady,                            
"You come here, you twit,                                   
And do nothing but sit.                                     
Can't you see that I'm eager and ready?"                    
                                                            
70170 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady named Eleanor                        
Whose husband had tied a small beleanor,                    
So that he could divine                                     
When she got out of line,                                   
For a great many men had raised heleanor.                   
                                                            
70171 WOMEN - NAMED                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2031



Oh Emily, dearest, your flesh                               
Is sweet as a peach and as fresh.                           
Come sit on my knee                                         
And I'll promise you'll see                                 
How our nether particulars mesh.                            
                                                            
70172 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



Dear Emily, what do you wear                                
Beneath that wee mini-kilt there?                           
Don't tell me: just please                                  
Come bend over my knees                                     
With your cute little butt in the air.                      
                                                            
70173 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



Oh Emily dearest, I long                                    
To strip you right down to your thong;                      
Then finger your snatch                                     
'Til that little wet patch                                  
Shows you're wantonly wanting my dong.                      
                                                            
70174 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



Emily's 5-foot-4's hardly short.                            
But I'll go along in good sport.                            
When we stand nose to nose,                                 
My whang's at her toes;                                     
Toes to toes, then it's at her nose wart.                   
                                                            
70175 WOMEN - NAMED                  T. Norris                



Emily's good; I can't deny it!                              
I'd say that you ought to try it.                           
She's tight as a drum,                                      
And loves to drink cum.                                     
Why even her daddy swears by it!                            
                                                            
70176 WOMEN - NAMED                  MrMalo                   



Coy Ericka frequents sex joints                             
With hopes that an owner appoints                           
Her, since she is able,                                     
To sit at each table                                        
And handle all men's finer points.                          
                                                            
70177 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



Erm's been to the New Forest Show;                          
She's back, with her face all aglow.                        
She's seen randy stallions,                                 
And bulls big as galleons,                                  
And's begging for it... I must go.                          
                                                            
70178 WOMEN - NAMED                  Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young widow named Fawn                          
Who wept that her husband was gone.                         
Her only relief                                             
When sleepless with grief,                                  
Lay in passionate screwing till dawn.                       
                                                            
70179 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady named Gwen                           
Who loved with a great many men.                            
But when Shorty was through,                                
She met her Waterloo;                                       
About all she could say was, "Ah, Men!"                     
                                                            
70180 WOMEN - NAMED                  Albin Chaplin            



The grammarian Gwendolyn Brown                              
Has the best prep. in town;                                 
Then she turns pretty primitive                             
When you split her inf.                                     
Introducing your genitive n.                                
                                                            
70181 WOMEN - NAMED                  Thomas A. Quinine   P8311



There was a young lady named Hays                           
Who never did fail to amaze.                                
On the bible she swore                                      
She had not been a whore,                                   
But she knew at least twenty-four ways.                     
                                                            
70182 WOMEN - NAMED                  Albin Chaplin            



I've heard of a girl named Holly,                           
Who went a bit off of her trolley.                          
She found St. Johns Wort,                                   
Now the men all report,                                     
One night's heaven with her, by golly!                      
                                                            
70183 WOMEN - NAMED                  Annie Jay                



A well-traveled lady of Crete                               
Was sunning herself with young Pete.                        
He said, "Tell me, Irene,                                   
Why your back is so green?"                                 
She said, "Grass never grows 'neath my feet."               
                                                            
70184 WOMEN - NAMED                  Albin Chaplin   3024-2526



A passionate lady named Jan                                 
Said, craving a sexy young man,                             
"Oh, why am I slighted;                                     
My fire is ignited;                                         
I'm waiting as fast as I can."                              
                                                            
70185 WOMEN - NAMED                  Irene Livingston         



Said a beautiful babe name of Jana                          
"It's lonely out here in Montana.                           
I'll fuck for real cheap,                                   
But the men here like sheep,                                
And the store is sold out of bananas."                      
                                                            
70186 WOMEN - NAMED                  Gene Brady               



The bearer, nom-de-plume Lady Jane,                         
Hadn't sense to come in from the rain.                      
So she got pneumonia                                        
And would constantly phone you                              
Just so she could bitch and complain.                       
                                                            
70187 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jane D. Hughes      P9009



Jane said to her manager Pete                               
"That memo you wrote was so sweet                           
About how men harass                                        
Today's working lass --                                     
I hope they learn soon, I'm in heat!"                       
                                                            
70188 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



An irascible woman named Jane                               
In the ass was rather a pain.                               
On weekdays she would rage                                  
Like a beast in a cage,                                     
But on weekends she'd only complain.                        
                                                            
70189 WOMEN - NAMED                  Warrick Elrod            



There was a young woman named Jane,                         
With a character free from all stain.                       
Except, I confess,                                          
For sexual excess;                                          
A talent of which she was vain.                             
                                                            
70190 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



Then there was Janie from Hamble,                           
With a figure like Naomi Campbell.                          
She'd lay on her yacht,                                     
Displaying her twat,                                        
Then onto my beam she would scramble.                       
                                                            
70191 WOMEN - NAMED                  Tiddy                    



There is Jeanie and her double D's,                         
A beautiful girl...aimed to please.                         
But sadly departed,                                         
To waters uncharted,                                        
With pirates off the Florida Keys.                          
                                                            
70192 WOMEN - NAMED                  Carol                    



Excuse me, but what's that I hear?                          
You've a dearth now of females?  No fear,                   
Sweet Jeanie is back                                        
And I might take a crack                                    
At limming and playing in here.                             
                                                            
70193 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jeanie                   



I missed all you gents, don't you know?                     
I've fond memories of long ago.                             
It's time to stop lurking                                   
And get down to working.                                    
A year's long enough a furlough.                            
                                                            
70194 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jeanie                   



Jeanie, you were missed by all;                             
We're glad that you've answered the call.                   
But if Myrtle's your aunt,                                  
I know that you can't                                       
Get in a rush when you're on call.                          
                                                            
70195 WOMEN - NAMED                  Cyber Wizard             



So Jeanie, please take you time                             
And write us some limericks, sublime.                       
We know you're up to it;                                    
Just sit down and do it,                                    
And by the way, make the things rhyme!                      
                                                            
70196 WOMEN - NAMED                  Cyber Wizard             



For that I can't take all the credit,                       
And though I've a good brain, my head it                    
Don't always appease                                        
With the words that will please,                            
And you know that I've been known to edit.                  
                                                            
70197 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jeanie                   



There was a young girl named Jen                            
Whose body rated a "10".                                    
But the guy she was dating                                  
Had questioned the rating,                                  
And he never was heard from again.                          
                                                            
70198 WOMEN - NAMED                  LambMan                  



I once had a girlfriend named Jen,                          
I loved her and held her and then,                          
She bedded one brother,                                     
And then yet another.                                       
She'll not be my sweetheart again.                          
                                                            
70199 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



There was a young lady called Ben,                          
Who got on very well with the men.                          
It wasn't the beard                                         
Or the way that she cheered,                                
But the pipe that she smoked now and then.                  
                                                            
70200 WOMEN - NAMED                  Michael Palin            



Now Jenny, the multiple comer,                              
Jump-started that boy with a hummer.                        
At his tender age                                           
His hormones did rage;                                      
He serviced her all through the summer.                     
                                                            
70201 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jim Weaver Collection    



Joan is a wench that's painted,                             
Joan is a girl that's tainted.                              
Yet Joan she goes                                           
Like one of those                                           
Whom purity has sainted.                                    
                                                            
70202 WOMEN - NAMED                  Robert Herrick      P9611



There was a young lady named Joan                           
When aroused she would cry and would moan.                  
Just thinking of sex                                        
Would tingle her pecs:                                      
Her mind's an erogenous zone.                               
                                                            
70203 WOMEN - NAMED                  Tom Patton          P9603



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
Was feeling quite horny and randy,                          
Till a dirty young sailor                                   
Began to impale her                                         
Till the randy candy girl was quite bandy.                  
                                                            
70204 WOMEN - NAMED                  Cyberhog            T9801



Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,                       
And all sorts of cookies with brandy,                       
Grabbed her crotch with her hand,                           
And said, "Come here, man!                                  
I need a good lick 'cause I'm randy!"                       
                                                            
70205 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jacques D'Monke     T9712



When alone, a young woman maned Julia,                      
Had qualities rather peculiar.                              
And when men were about,                                    
(Short, tall, lean, or stout)                               
Her conduct was even unrulier.                              
                                                            
70206 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



A certain young woman named June                            
Makes love like a whirling typhoon.                         
What the men like to do                                     
Is to tame that fierce shrew,                               
If it takes (pant, pant) all afternoon.                     
                                                            
70207 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



Young Karen was looking for passion;                        
The lack of it had her teeth gnashing.                      
"The harder I try,"                                         
She was heard to cry,                                       
"The shorter it seems is my ration."                        
                                                            
70208 WOMEN - NAMED                  Archie                   



A militant teenager, Kay,                                   
Joined a protest, one cold winter's day.                    
She ignited her bra,                                        
But HA HA HA HA,                                            
There's no heat in a 28A.                                   
                                                            
70209 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



A muscular woman named Kay,                                 
Being frisky and playful one day,                           
Threw her hubby so fond,                                    
At the top of the pond                                      
To discover if he'd ricochet.                               
                                                            
70210 WOMEN - NAMED                  VOL 11                   



A righteous young lady named Kay                            
Was moral and virtuous all day.                             
But when daytime did end,                                   
She inverted the trend,                                     
And her righteousness all went astray.                      
                                                            
70211 WOMEN - NAMED                  Albin Chaplin            



A sad woman's libber named Kim                              
Said, "Life has it in for my quim.                          
It's unjust as can be;                                      
He shoves it into me;                                       
Why can't I shove mine into him."                           
                                                            
70212 WOMEN - NAMED                  Armand E Singer       783



He proposed to a gal named Lilly.                           
She is a most beautiful filly.                              
Not only that,                                              
Her stomach is flat,                                        
While the rest of her body is hilly.                        
                                                            
70213 WOMEN - NAMED                  Tom Patton          P9711



Since April, young Timothy's frenched                       
His Lolita and now that she's drenched,                     
He continues to suck her                                    
And frequently fuck her,                                    
But still her libido's unquenched.                          
                                                            
70214 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



A lecherous lady named Lou                                  
Said, "I'd do anything for a screw.                         
I'd sleep with a dog,                                       
An ape or a hog,                                            
Hell, I might even do it with YOU!"                         
                                                            
70215 WOMEN - NAMED                  John the Wysard          



There's a woman whose name is Lucille,                      
Who, whenever she chooses to peel,                          
Discloses a skin                                            
One would love to get in,                                   
For the sake of its wonderful feel.                         
                                                            
70216 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



Lydia and Francine over mocha                               
Discussed men and their mimimal quota.                      
Said Lyd, "It is twice."                                    
Fran said, "If it ain't thrice,                             
The Bastard will sleep on the sofa!"                        
                                                            
70217 WOMEN - NAMED                  Stephen Nobel       P9911



A mortician's sly daughter named Maddie,                    
Told an eager but virginal laddie,                          
"If you do what I say.                                      
We can have a great lay,                                    
Since I've buried more stiffs than my daddy."               
                                                            
70218 WOMEN - NAMED                  Brian Hickey             



That must be some hot romance;                              
You deep in our sweet Maggie's pants.                       
So she makes you so happy,                                  
Like your ma made your pappy.                               
It's nice to see both took the chance.                      
                                                            
70219 WOMEN - NAMED                  Arden                    



I wonder just why it is so,                                 
That Maggie incites it to flow.                             
With some other lass,                                       
It gets hard as glass,                                      
But not wet and sticky, you know?                           
                                                            
70220 WOMEN - NAMED                  H WHELCHEL               



In my heart there is a spot                                 
For Maggie and her naked twat.                              
She is the one                                              
Who makes my spunk run.                                     
She is pretty and witty and hot.                            
                                                            
70221 WOMEN - NAMED                  H WHELCHEL               



She's never too knackered or lazy,                          
But specially bred to be crazy.                             
For giving us geezers                                       
Whatever may please us...                                   
Genetically Modified Maisie                                 
                                                            
70222 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



A young airline stewardess, May,                            
Has achieved liberation today.                              
She screwed without quittin',                               
From New York to Britain;                                   
It's clear she has come a long way.                         
                                                            
70223 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



There was a young woman named Meg                           
Who liked all her boyfriends to beg.                        
She found it in keeping                                     
To have them start weeping,                                 
When she stopped them halfway up her leg.                   
                                                            
70224 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



There was a young woman named Melanie                       
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"                  
She replied, "No siree,                                     
I give it for free.                                         
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."                         
                                                            
70225 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



So where is the lovely Michelle?                            
That Gal with the heavenly smell.                           
My trousers grow tight                                      
With  muscular  might;                                      
Now she's got me under her spell.                           
                                                            
70226 WOMEN - NAMED                  Anon                     



There was a young woman named Myra                          
Who said to an ardent admirer,                              
"If you've really planned                                   
To meed my demand,                                          
You'll become an exhausted perspirer."                      
                                                            
70227 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



I'll tell you the story of Myrtle,                          
Who laid on her back like a turtle,                         
As I primed my rod,                                         
Awaiting the nod...                                         
Then into her crotch I would hurtle.                        
                                                            
70228 WOMEN - NAMED                  SFA                      



I know a lass named Myrtle, too,                            
Though she's more like a large kangaroo.                    
Puts you on your back                                       
And goes on attack,                                         
Up and down and almost right through.                       
                                                            
70229 WOMEN - NAMED                  Anon                     



A turtle that lies on its back                              
Is vulnerable to attack.                                    
For rhyme did you do it,                                    
But you should eschew it,                                   
And find for yourself a new crack.                          
                                                            
70230 WOMEN - NAMED                  Cyber Wizard             



That's right, son, you've nothing to fear                   
And need give no thought to your rear.                      
It's true that we're odd                                    
But don't want your bod.                                    
We all make our own cracks in here.                         
                                                            
70231 WOMEN - NAMED                  Anon                     



"A supine chelonian's unwise                                
And prone to attack!" Cybe R. cries.                        
But I think SFA                                             
And Myrtle would say                                        
That's the point of the whole exercise                      
                                                            
70232 WOMEN - NAMED                  SFA                      



That Myrtle you know is my aunt,                            
A woman both sallow and gaunt.                              
Although she's a hag,                                       
She enjoys a good shag;                                     
So, thank you, Sir!  You're most gallant.                   
                                                            
70233 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jeanie                   



Her sister, so lacking in poise,                            
Was more the lop-sided Tortoise.                            
And though I did well                                       
To blast through her shell,                                 
Her quim made a terrible noise.                             
                                                            
70234 WOMEN - NAMED                  SFA                      



There was a young woman named Nancy,                        
Delightful and sweet and romancy.                           
Yet your try will be vain,                                  
If you want your sex plain,                                 
For her style of performance is fancy.                      
                                                            
70235 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



Pat is a jolly good screw;                                  
She really does know what to do;                            
Has a sensuous mouth,                                       
And there's plenty down south.                              
But I didn't say that, did you?                             
                                                            
70236 WOMEN - NAMED                                           



A woman there was named Pauline,                            
Who's always been terribly keen                             
On kissing and wooing,                                      
Indiscriminate screwing,                                    
And anything else that's obscene.                           
                                                            
70237 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



A young college nympho named Prudence                       
Spent the night in a frat with the students.                
By the dawn's early light,                                  
She slipped out of sight,                                   
And she left not a single protrudence!                      
                                                            
70238 WOMEN - NAMED                  Sex to Sexty        P8808



A delightful young woman named Rita                         
Knew the ropes when a fellow would meet her.                
Discreet were her ways                                      
If nothing took place,                                      
And if something did, still discreeter.                     
                                                            
70239 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



Said Joe to his lady friend Rose,                           
"I'm sure you can hardly suppose                            
It is pleasant for me                                       
That invariably,                                            
When we screw, you fall into a doze."                       
                                                            
70240 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



There once was a girl named Rose,                           
Who'd suck a golf ball through a hose.                      
She'd open her legs wider                                   
Than a funnel-webbed spider                                 
Whilst performing lewd acts with her toes.                  
                                                            
70241 WOMEN - NAMED                  Sandman                  



There was a young gypsy girl Rose                           
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose;                       
Up her pussy, her rear,                                     
In her mouth and each ear,                                  
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.                    
                                                            
70242 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



A big-busted beauty named Russell                           
Delighted to dunk a love-muscle.                            
"Man, I'm lucky," she said,                                 
"For guys come to my bed,                                   
While other girls go out and hustle!"                       
                                                            
70243 WOMEN - NAMED                  Grand Prix Lim  115      



There once was a gossip named Sadie                         
Who lived her whole life rather shady.                      
"Talk is cheap", said the broad,                            
And my friend, with a nod,                                  
Said, "It is, but then so is the lady."                     
                                                            
70244 WOMEN - NAMED                  Slade Grout              



Although the telegrapher hid it,                            
And was too mortified to admit it,                          
His daughter, sweet Sandy,                                  
Was ever so randy,                                          
And did it, and did it, and did it.                         
                                                            
70245 WOMEN - NAMED                  Bob Giandomenico    P9407



Our gorgeous receptionist, Sandy,                           
Is yours for a small shot of brandy.                        
And if in the day                                           
You get trouser affray,                                     
You'll find Sandy obligingly handy.                         
                                                            
70246 WOMEN - NAMED                  Peter Wilkins            



There was a young woman named Shirley,                      
With eyes blue, cheeks pink, and teeth pearly.              
Her figure curved nicely                                    
Where it ought to precisely,                                
And when she said "No", men grew surly.                     
                                                            
70247 WOMEN - NAMED                  Isaac Asimov             



There once was a surfer named Stella,                       
Who searched on the net for a fella.                        
She'd lurk in the forums                                    
And chat auditoriums,                                       
With no luck, so she played 'a capella'.                    
                                                            
70248 WOMEN - NAMED                  ROE                      



An equal rights leader called Sue                           
Goes to church every Sunday, it's true.                     
When the priest say, "Amen",                                
He get furious when                                         
Sue shouts loudly, "AND AH WOMAN, TOO!"                     
                                                            
70249 WOMEN - NAMED                  Sandy Lunde         P8407



A pickle-packer named Sue                                   
When asked if she'd like to screw,                          
Said, "I'm not partic'lar                                   
'Bout who is my pickler;                                    
Fact--sometimes I make a dildoo!"                           
                                                            
70250 WOMEN - NAMED                  JLMB                     



Look at our lovable Lou;                                    
She's sure to be looking at you!                            
Her innocent eyes                                           
Are big with surprise,                                      
And she looks, and then looks, till she's through!          
                                                            
70251 WOMEN - NAMED                  Florence E Scott    P0900



A young flight attendant named Susan,                       
To whom all thing's were confusin',                         
What she lacked in her head                                 
She made up in bed,                                         
For the rest of her was good for usin'.                     
                                                            
70252 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jim Weaver Collection    



At Dante's each night there's a prize;                      
A raffle, much loved by the guys.                           
The winner each night                                       
Will have the delight                                       
To get his head twixt Suzie's thighs.                       
                                                            
70253 WOMEN - NAMED                  Tiddy Ogg                



"Oh Father, I have a confession,                            
But I won't tell with whom I've been messin'."              
He replied, "Is it Sandy?                                   
Or Julia? Or Mandy?"                                        
And I got three good leads from one session.                
                                                            
70254 WOMEN - NAMED                  KJR                      



There was a young lady called Twat,                         
A name she disliked quite a lot.                            
So she changed it to Gash,                                  
A word with panache,                                        
And a much better moniker, wot?                             
                                                            
70255 WOMEN - NAMED                  Hugh Clary               



Juanita who lived in Espana,                                
Came to Israel to live in Netanya.                          
Her name was too shrewish;                                  
It didn't sound Jewish.                                     
She looked through the list and chose Vanya,                
                                                            
70256 WOMEN - NAMED                  Arthur Pattaffy          



I'm jolly, I'm nice, I'm Virginia,                          
And my thinking is pleasingly linear.                       
If you look a bit green, I'll                               
Just class you as senile,                                   
Then so long, au revoir, I'll be seeing ya.                 
                                                            
70257 WOMEN - NAMED                  Linda Marsh Coll         



A young girl who was named Yvette                           
Took on cricket teams for a bet.                            
After counting her winnings,                                
She declared second innings,                                
And the last man is still not out yet.                      
                                                            
70258 WOMEN - NAMED                  Jim Weaver Collection    



I've found that Big Bertha simply can                       
Put under the table any young man                           
For just a small while;                                     
You see vertical smile,                                     
Wide enough to consume all Japan.                           
                                                            
70259 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         SFA                      



Most joes run as they scream Godzilla,                      
Cause that girls gash can be killa.                         
But me I dove in;                                           
I'd had enough gin;                                         
Inside I think I saw a flotilla!                            
                                                            
70260 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         SFA                      



It's easy for folks to lose track                           
Of what's hidden in Bertha's front crack.                   
They say someone's seen                                     
A squad of marine-                                          
S seeking WMDs from Iraq                                    
                                                            
70261 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         I R Canuck               



With Bertha, there's never foreplay.                        
We're screwing by night and by day.                         
She don't have to coax;                                     
Just shorten my strokes,                                    
By rising to meat me halfway.                               
                                                            
70262 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         SFA                      



Big Bertha, when out for a drink,                           
Can sink 'em as fast as you blink.                          
And when she is pissed,                                     
She cannot resist                                           
My pinkie that tickles her pink.                            
                                                            
70263 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         SFA                      



Big Bertha, who's massively large,                          
Needs dildoes the size of a barge,                          
Mechanically shaking,                                       
Vibrating and quaking,                                      
And always on permanent charge.                             
                                                            
70264 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



Big Bertha, whose bulk is her boast,                        
Will squat on a telegraph post                              
To fill her vagina                                          
When earthquakes in China                                   
Send, globally, shocks coast to coast.                      
                                                            
70265 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Travis Brasell           



Big Bertha, while lacking in grace                          
Is blessed with voluminous space,                           
So unwashed and ill-bred,                                   
But I still lost my head                                    
That night that she sat on my face.                         
                                                            
70266 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         SFA                      



Upon the cold days of last winter,                          
Ten lumberjacks trekked to the hinter-                      
Land where they found Bertha                                
Had hung 'round her girth a                                 
Sign reading: "IT'S WARM INSIDE, ENTER!"                    
                                                            
70267 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Travis Brasell           



And then came the summer heat hissing,                      
And one lonely lumberjack kissing                           
The ground where he knelt                                   
With 'thanks', but he felt                                  
Much sorrow for 9 who'd gone missing.                       
                                                            
70268 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Travis Brasell           



But don't feed her curry, guys, please.                     
It causes intestinal breeze.                                
That when it's released,                                    
Causes sheep to be fleeced,                                 
And will knock down a wood full of trees.                   
                                                            
70269 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Tiddy Ogg                



Big Bertha's old granny, Ma Baines,                         
Expired and it took twenty trains                           
To haul her dead ass                                        
Though Pluggersnatch Pass                                   
And drop her remains on the plains.                         
                                                            
70270 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Travis                   



They thought they might opt for cremation,                  
But greenies throughout the whole nation                    
Claimed smoke that would rise,                              
Would cover the skies,                                      
And lead to the world's termination.                        
                                                            
70271 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Tiddy Ogg                



Big Bertha's a weapon of mass                               
Seduction.  Her mountainous ass                             
Has hundreds of folds,                                      
Each one of which holds                                     
A cock in a grip, lewd and crass.                           
                                                            
70272 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Randog                   



I dreamed of the horrible sight                             
Of Bertha's huge cunt 'tother night;                        
It sank to my face                                          
In a slimy embrace,                                         
And extinguished the remnants of light.                     
                                                            
70273 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA                                  



Malodorous - dark as a drain;                               
I struggled and fought it in vain.                          
And damn well near drowned,                                 
'Til I woke and I found                                     
I'd been chewing my pillow again.                           
                                                            
70274 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA                                  



If it's Bertha of whom you've been dreamin',                
The thought of her leaves my mind steamin'.                 
Man that malodorous stench                                  
Issuing forth from that wench,                              
Is not rotting flesh, it's dead sea-men!                    
                                                            
70275 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA                                  



I told her I squirted a liter                               
Of goo from my 18 inch peter.                               
She said: "I care not.                                      
I've a 10 gallon twat."                                     
It would take more than I had to beat her.                  
                                                            
70276 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA                                  



And the size of that twat like a Boeing!                    
So don't let her juices get flowing.                        
Better lie and play dead                                    
And not give that tripe head.                               
When she comes it smells just like she's going!             
                                                            
70277 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA                                  



Oh damnit!  Oh damnit to Hell.                              
I slipped into Bertha and fell.                             
As around me I peer,                                        
I see that I'm here                                         
With Tiddy, and Peter and Nell.                             
                                                            
70278 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Archie                   



I cannot imagine how Nell                                   
Fell into this singular Hell.                               
But maybe she followed                                      
Us in and got swallowed                                     
And maybe, so too, did Michelle?                            
                                                            
70279 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



You'll soon learn to relish the smell                       
And, as in the story of Hell,                               
You'll forget what offends --                               
So many old friends!                                        
And look!  There's old Bessie as well!                      
                                                            
70280 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         John Miller              



Poor things, if you all lost your way                       
In Bertha, for sure it's okay                               
To grumble and grudge,                                      
But as far's I can judge,                                   
It is best you're enjoying your stay.                       
                                                            
70281 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Ulla                     



My grumble is not that her twat                             
Is dark and exceedingly hot,                                
But lack of umbrellas                                       
To shelter us fellas                                        
For when she bobs down for a squat.                         
                                                            
70282 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



But my friend, you're a Brit, not an Asian,                 
So what good do you think, does evasion?                    
A true British fella,                                       
Where is your umbrella?                                     
You should rise, my dear, to the occasion.                  
                                                            
70283 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Ulla                     



My handkerchief soaked up the stain,                        
My condom could scarcely contain,                           
While shagging young Kate                                   
On the twenty-to-eight,                                     
Where I left my umbrella again.                             
                                                            
70284 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



Big Bertha, the girl with a figure                          
Resembling a whale, only bigger,                            
Enjoys masturbations                                        
With deep excavation,                                       
By means of mechanical digger.                              
                                                            
70285 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



Miss Bertha has dumped her collection                       
Of men.  Her new aim of affections's                        
The todger of Roger,                                        
That wicked old codger,                                     
Who sports an enormous erection.                            
                                                            
70286 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Ulla                     



I doubt even Roger could fill                               
Miss Bertha and give her a thrill,                          
For most who have tried                                     
Have gone missing inside,                                   
Where I fear they are languishing still.                    
                                                            
70287 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



Huge as Roger is, he's not jealous;                         
Joined by his RCMP fellas,                                  
They're doing their duty                                    
On the Cavernous beauty                                     
Of Bertha -- yes Mounties are zealous.                      
                                                            
70288 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Ulla                     



But surely the RCMP                                         
Are more like those lumberjacks be,                         
A-dancing and prancing                                      
In dresses entrancing,                                      
While singing falsetto in C.                                
                                                            
70289 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



I'm missing the hot summer nights;                          
The ripping of Big Bertha's tights.                         
The resolute quest                                          
To get on her nest,                                         
And cover her neck with love bites.                         
                                                            
70290 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



Prepare then, for serious ripping;                          
Her tights have been know to snag shipping!                 
It's murder, my friend,                                     
And I doubt at the end,                                     
You'll have owt what it takes for a dipping.                
                                                            
70291 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         Peter Wilkins            



Our Bertha is very well built,                              
And can cause any fellow to wilt.                           
But she'll get a shock...                                   
A big plastic cock,                                         
I'm hiding here under my kilt.                              
                                                            
70292 WOMEN - NAMED - BERTHA         SFA                      



There was a young woman named Claire                        
With genitals lacking in hair.                              
What caused the affliction                                  
Was sexual friction,                                        
Which left them the worse for the wear.                     
                                                            
70293 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Isaac Asimov             



My dearest darling sweet Claire,                            
Will you suck me off 'down there'?                          
Standing up or in bed,                                      
Just give me some head,                                     
And it sure will answer my prayer!                          
                                                            
70294 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Gearhart                 



An eager young French girl named Claire,                    
Endowed with beaucoup pubic hair,                           
Begged her date, "Darling please,                           
Put it in me - don't tease!"                                
He replied, "Oh, I want to, but where?"                     
                                                            
70295 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Jim Weaver Collection    



The rise of her bountiful pair                              
Of breasts are breathtaking, my Claire                      
Of fair pubic hair,                                         
Lifts up from the chair                                     
As long as I keep blowing air!                              
                                                            
70296 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE                                  



There once was a beauty named Claire                        
Who had a devine derriere.                                  
She'd eat cocoa beans,                                      
Then poop some pralines,                                    
And sometimes a chocolate eclair.                           
                                                            
70297 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         H Whelchel               



The first time I ever saw Clare,                            
From her head to her toes she was bare.                     
Although, completely nude,                                  
She could never be crude,                                   
For her charms are beyond compare.                          
                                                            
70298 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Joe Reichardt            



I know a young lady named Clare;                            
Scent of flowers permeates her hair.                        
One glance at the ass,                                      
Of this glorious lass,                                      
Brings yearnings way beyond compare.                        
                                                            
70299 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Joe Reichardt            



Oh, my dearest sweet Claire,                                
I love to play with your hair,                              
But not ones on your head,                                  
And I refer instead                                         
To the ones that lurk 'way down there.                      
                                                            
70300 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE                                  



There was a young woman named Claire.                       
She'd take a 'lit cigar' on a dare.                         
He wanted to shove her                                      
But he'll soon recover.                                     
Mistaken, he gave her a flare.                              
                                                            
70301 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rod Hardon               



A magician who called herself Claire                        
Made all her audience stare,                                
When she uttered commands                                   
To her mammary glands,                                      
And they floated right up in the air.                       
                                                            
70302 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Cap'n Bean               



There once was a young blonde named Claire                  
Who would do anything on a dare.                            
She crossed over the street,                                
Was quite quick on her feet,                                
'Cause she heard there was cock over there!                 
                                                            
70303 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         SFA                      



There was a young lady called Claire,                       
Who often won't wear underwear.                             
On days with a breeze,                                      
You saw more than her knees,                                
And all the blokes did was stare.                           
                                                            
70304 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         P. Copeman               



There once was a lady named Claire                          
Who hated the hue of her hair.                              
As she bleached it, she yalped!                             
When it fell from her scalp,                                
And now she has no hair to bear.                            
                                                            
70305 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Coleen Ebbert            



There was a young woman named Claire;                       
Her breasts she did bare on a dare.                         
At the bar it was late;                                     
Her annoyance was great                                     
When no one around seem to care.                            
                                                            
70306 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rod Hardon               



There was a young woman named Claire;                       
A staff meeting once was a dare,                            
With vibrators inserted,                                    
Clamped nipples, short skirted.                             
Wrong date though, nobody was there.                        
                                                            
70307 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rod Harden               



By now we know all about Claire;                            
How well she can handle a dare.                             
"She's blonde," you surmise,                                
But I'm being wise.                                         
To tell you just wouldn't be fair.                          
                                                            
70308 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rod Harden               



There was a young woman named Claire,                       
Who gave blow jobs all day on a dare;                       
She didn't quite make it;                                   
No way she could fake it;                                   
Forgetting to come up for air.                              
                                                            
70309 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rod Harden               



There was a young woman named Clair                         
Who went to a party all bare.                               
She said, looking harassed,                                 
And very embarrassed,                                       
"I thought only men would be there!"                        
                                                            
70310 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE                                  



A local young lady called Claire                            
Dropped her drawers so her pussy could air.                 
She sighed with delight                                     
As a barber named Dwight                                    
Got his comb and then parted her hair.                      
                                                            
70311 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Tim Fisher               



A horny young farm wife named Claire,                       
Used a cuke when her Luke wasn't there.                     
And by filling her quim                                     
With brine to the brim,                                     
Made pickles to sell at the fair.                           
(cuke - cucumber)                                           
70312 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rowdy Jack               



A buxom young farm girl named Claire,                       
At eighteen had golden blond hair.                          
She grows apples and peaches,                               
And you know when she reaches,                              
That she also has grown quite a pear.                       
                                                            
70313 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Bob Birch           P0310



A desperate spinster named Claire                           
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare                        
And prayed to her God                                       
For a romp on the sod;                                      
A passerby answered her prayer.                             
                                                            
70314 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Anon                G1535



A Salvation Lassie named called Claire,                     
Was having her first love affair.                           
As she climbed into bed,                                    
She reverently said,                                        
"I wish to be opened with prayer."                          
                                                            
70315 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Anon                L0820



There once was a woman named Claire,                        
Who'd walk around perfectly bare,                           
Saying, "All that I show                                    
Are my publics, you know.                                   
My privates are covered with hair!"                         
                                                            
70316 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Isaac Asimov             



There once was a woman named Claire                         
Whose ass was uncommonly square,                            
But she hid it with scads                                   
Of her custom made pads,                                    
So that no one was ever aware.                              
                                                            
70317 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Cap'n Bean          P0204



I knew a hairdresser called Claire,                         
She trimmed up my thick pubic hair.                         
She then asked if I,                                        
Wished her special blow dry...                              
It's the best I've had yet, I declare.                      
                                                            
70318 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Tiddy Ogg                



As aspiring young bimbo named Clare                         
Has a twat with a hole that is square.                      
When she chose to turn pro,                                 
She found business was slow,                                
Because men with square pegs are so rare.                   
                                                            
70319 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         William N. Nesbit   P9608



A modern Eau Claire girl named Claire                       
Remarked as she sprawled in a chair:                        
"I can tell by your glance                                  
I forgot to wear pants,                                     
So stare at my crotch -- I don't care!"                     
                                                            
70320 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE                             G2325



There was a young woman named Claire,                       
Who couldn't pass up a good dare;                           
The weirder, the better,                                    
It just made her wetter,                                    
When people would stop by and stare.                        
                                                            
70321 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rod Harden               



There was a young woman named Claire;                       
Trombonist Jim gave her a dare:                             
With dildo on slider,                                       
He played right inside her;                                 
High C gave them both quite a scare.                        
                                                            
70322 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Rod Harden               



The naughtiest nurse is young Claire,                       
Whose cleavage is worth a close stare.                      
As she passes by,                                           
She will undo your fly,                                     
And give you a quick squeeze down there.                    
                                                            
70323 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Archie                   



The mother of buxom Miss Claire                             
Discovered her secret affair.                               
She admonished her child                                    
For her antics so wild,                                     
"This is something we both have to share."                  
                                                            
70324 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Albin Chaplin   3024-0083



There once was a hooker named Claire,                       
Who greeted her customers bare.                             
"Every other damned trade                                   
Keeps its stock well displayed,                             
So now guys who care know what's there!"                    
                                                            
70325 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Grand Prix Lim  602      



When Tom had a lady named Clair,                            
He was the first one to get there.                          
She said, "Copulation                                       
Can result in gestation,                                    
But I swear, now you're there, I don't care."               
                                                            
70326 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Grand Prix Lim  174      



The curly cunt-hair on cute Claire                          
Makes the men in the nudist camp stare.                     
And like tigers they fight                                  
To see who spends the night                                 
Splitting open Claire's pubical hair.                       
                                                            
70327 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE                             G0296



There was a young lady named Clare;                         
A wig-maker who used real hair.                             
The result was fantastic,                                   
Not like those of plastic,                                  
Her wigs must be handled with care.                         
                                                            
70328 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE         Arthur Pattaffy          



While sunbathing naked, young Claire,                       
Saw her yoga instructor. "But where                         
Are his vest and his pants?"                                
She thought, sneaking a glance;                             
'Twas the first time she'd seen Yogi Bare.                  
                                                            
70329 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE                                  



His assistant, young Master BooBoo                          
On his rod had a dainty tattoo                              
Of Claire's pussy lips                                      
And saucy, sweet nips;                                      
So embareassed, she knew not what to do.                    
                                                            
70330 WOMEN - NAMED - CLAIRE                                  



At the Last Chance Saloon, good old Mabel                   
Used to put all her cards on the table,                     
And herself on request.                                     
If she wasn't the best,                                     
She was open, aboveboard, and able.                         
                                                            
70331 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          John Ciardi              



There's a repulsive lady named Mable                        
Who makes love on the dining room table.                    
She masturbates                                             
On all of the plates                                        
Until she is no longer able.                                
                                                            
70332 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Tom Patton          P9603



You've taken my breath, dear Aunt Mabel,                    
I'll reach you with all that I'm able                       
To get to stand up.                                         
So here's a hand up...                                      
Position yourself on this table.                            
                                                            
70333 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Frank Fazed              



There was a young lady named Mable                          
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,                       
Then cry to her man,                                        
"Stuff in all that you can.                                 
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."                 
                                                            
70334 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                              L0317



A much-diddled dolly named Mabel                            
Always gets hers bent over a table.                         
"Fucking's fun," the gal said,                              
"But it's more fun in bed,                                  
And best in the hay in a stable."                           
                                                            
70335 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                             G0649a



A computer programmer named Mable                           
Had her keyboard fall off of her table.                     
She couldn't DELETE,                                        
So she kicked with her feet,                                
And busted an interface cable.                              
                                                            
70336 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



There once was a woman named Mabel                          
Who liked to lay on the table                               
Naked as sin                                                
With a shit eatin' grin,                                    
While from the inside my tongue licked her navel.           
                                                            
70337 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



A tipsy young vampire named Mabel                           
Has a menstrual cycle so stable,                            
That one week in four,                                      
She gets down on the floor,                                 
And drinks herself under the table.                         
                                                            
70338 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Count Drac               



There was a young lady called Mabel                         
Who liked it best on the table.                             
What a cunt of a whore!                                     
She'd take hundreds or more,                                
And invite any back who were able.                          
                                                            
70339 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                              G0649



There once was a hooker named Mable;                        
In bed she had proved herself able.                         
She fucked like a bunny;                                    
Called all her men, sonny,                                  
While bent over the dining room table.                      
                                                            
70340 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Dave Jennings            



There was a fat lady named Mabel                            
Who was humping a man on a table.                           
As she cried out for "More!"                                
They both crashed to the floor.                             
Seems the table was not very stable.                        
                                                            
70341 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Thomas G. Keller    P9404



Sighed her sixtyish husband, "Please, Mabel,                
I no longer am physically able;                             
I've got dire palpitations                                  
From you mouth-ministrations --                             
Get your head out from under the table!"                    
                                                            
70342 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Robin K. Willoughby P8509



When Chuck asked a lady named Mabel                         
Why she wanted to fuck on the table,                        
She replied to him, "Chuck,                                 
I can't cook worth a fuck,                                  
So I fuck any place that I'm able."                         
                                                            
70343 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Albin Chaplin   3024-0250



A thin tattooed lady named Mabel                            
Had a chest just as flat as a table.                        
Serpents, peacocks, and hearts                              
Covered various parts;                                      
On her back "other side up" was the label.                  
                                                            
70344 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Irish                    



A network programmer named Mable                            
When wooed in the Cafe de Table,                            
Said, "Well," with a shrug,                                 
If you like you can plug                                    
My back port with your interface cable."                    
                                                            
70345 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Paul Isaacs              



The curious case of Aunt Mable                              
Has all of the features of fable.                           
You can bank in your shot                                   
From her thigh to her twat,                                 
As she spread-eagles on a pool table.                       
                                                            
70346 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a strip-teaser named Mabel                        
Who began her career in a stable.                           
She was young and in doubt--                                
The hired hands tried her out--                             
Now she's ready and willing and able.                       
                                                            
70347 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                              G1821



And lastly, equestrian Mabel,                               
Who looked like the great Betty Grable.                     
She'd ride on a range                                       
Of mounts very strange,                                     
But kept her relationships stable.                          
                                                            
70348 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



There once was a lady named Mable,                          
So ready, so willing, so able,                              
And so full of spice,                                       
She could name her own price.                               
Now Mable's all wrapped up in sable.                        
                                                            
70349 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                              G1822



Though ninety and well past her prime,                      
Aunt Mabel composed her first rhyme.                        
"I'd like to beat                                           
My gums on your meat",                                      
So we wondered, could you spare the time?                   
                                                            
70350 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Kim&Sam                  



To humor our poor Aunty Mabel,                              
Be gentle for she is unstable.                              
She was bombed in the war...                                
When she worked as a whore...                               
Which explains why she's under the table.                   
                                                            
70351 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Kim&Sam                  



There is the sailor's friend, Mabel,                        
Made famous in shantymen's fable.                           
At dock bars, like Davey's,                                 
She'd entertain navies,                                     
To find out which seamen were able.                         
                                                            
70352 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



And then there was high-class pro Mabel;                    
She sit in the Ritz wearing sable,                          
Then shed inhibitions                                       
With fine sexibhitions,                                     
Before rolling drunk 'neath the table.                      
                                                            
70353 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



A middle-aged woman named Mabel,                            
Had boobs going down to her navel.                          
Then her ass moved lower,                                   
Her husband got slower;                                     
When he tries to screw, he ain't able!                      
                                                            
70354 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Marsha Magee             



Uncle Frank was fucking Aunt Mabel                          
In the kitchen on top of the table.                         
The table legs broke                                        
Right there in mid stroke;                                  
The hospital reports them "both stable!"                    
                                                            
70355 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Jim Weaver Collection    



Across from my house is young Mabel                         
Whose curtains stay open. I'm able                          
To watch her caressing                                      
Herself while undressing                                    
(As long as I stand on this table).                         
                                                            
70356 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Peter Wilkins            



And then there was sex guru Mabel:                          
Her treatment was sure to enable,                           
With ointment and unction                                   
All limp dicks to function;                                 
She'd turn a limp string to a cable.                        
                                                            
70357 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



There once was a jolly girl, Mable,                         
Who'd always drink whiskey, Black Label.                    
She'd take Johnny Walker                                    
And all who could talk her                                  
To bed, instead on the table                                
                                                            
70358 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8606



The mathematics teacher told Mabel,                         
"You simply must learn every table.                         
You'll then be so quick                                     
At arithmetic,                                              
That to take every prize you'll be able.                    
                                                            
70359 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Funfax Limericks         



A dieting lady named Mabel                                  
Bought food with a low-calorie label.                       
She consumed with great zeal                                
A nutritionless meal,                                       
And was too weak to rise from the table.                    
                                                            
70360 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Albin Chaplin   3024-2679



There was a young lady named Mable,                         
Who would fuck on a bed or a table.                         
Though a two-dollar screw                                   
Was the best she could do,                                  
Her ass bore a ten-dollar label.                            
                                                            
70361 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                              L1030



And so to the tale of our Mabel                             
Who flirted with blokes who were able                       
To buy her a drink.                                         
She'd give them a wink,                                     
'Fore drinking them under the table.                        
                                                            
70362 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          R Warwick                



When asked if coition was do-able,                          
Sweet Mabel replied "I'm unscrewable.                       
For me, it's not kinky                                      
To drink from your winky,                                   
And nooky you'll find nonpursuable."                        
                                                            
70363 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL          Randog                   



That old vampire Mabel's now dead;                          
She took some blood-sucker to bed.                          
I'm sorry to say,                                           
She soon passed away --                                     
Caught tetanus giving him head.                             
                                                            
70364 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



There was once a good girl named Mable,                     
Who was always so young and so able.                        
What you could see,                                         
Would raise a dead bee,                                     
When she bent down over the table.                          
                                                            
70365 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                                   



There was a young lady named Mabel,                         
Who said, "I don't think that I'm able.                     
But I'm willing to try,                                     
So where shall I lie,                                       
On the bed or the floor or the table?"                      
                                                            
70366 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                              G1579



Said a busy young whore known as Mabel,                     
Who at fucking was willing and able.                        
"It's a pity to waste,                                      
All that juicy white paste,                                 
So she served it in bowls at the table.                     
                                                            
70367 WOMEN - NAMED - MABEL                              L0783



Young Mary was so wide and so fat                           
That in Spring she would visit a frat                       
Where she'd tuck in a brother,                              
A pledge and his mother,                                    
And all of them have a nice chat.                           
                                                            
70368 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           John Miller              



My sweet Mary Martin has left;                              
I'm here all alone and bereft.                              
I long for her eyes,                                        
Her signs, even lies...                                     
But mostly I long for her cleft.                            
                                                            
70369 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           John Miller              



I know her; they call her Marie.                            
I met her once down in Paris.                               
She charged me ten francs                                   
For a couple of wanks,                                      
But sat on my face all for free.                            
                                                            
70370 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           Tiddy Ogg                



There was a young girl named Marie,                         
Who fancied the men of the sea,                             
So she dressed as a sailor                                  
And boarded a whaler,                                       
And now gets harpooned for free.                            
                                                            
70371 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           Charley Mac         P9601



Marie, at the Eastern States Sprints,                       
Gave the boat crews very broad hints,                       
About the diversity                                         
Of her perversity,                                          
And which motel she frequents.                              
                                                            
70372 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           Phred                    



That Mary that works in the dairy,                          
May look sweet, but she's really quite scary.               
Since she zapped my rod                                     
With that big cattle prod,                                  
Of her I am really quite wary.                              
                                                            
70373 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           Tiddy Ogg                



My assistant is young Mary Zelling,                         
As I write she will maintain my swelling;                   
For she taps out the metre                                  
With the end of my peter,                                   
But her main job is cheking my speling!                     
                                                            
70374 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           Bob Birch           P9809



You're thinking I might be named Mary?                      
You're thoughts are getting too scary.                      
I'm no virgin for sure;                                     
I'm completely impure,                                      
And of asses I'm terrible wary.                             
                                                            
70375 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           Karen                    



Young Mary was so tall and thin,                            
Mere mortals just couldn't get in.                          
But a shaky old SAAB                                        
Had just the right throb,                                   
So she used the antenna for sin.                            
                                                            
70376 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           John Miller              



I took our young Mary to dinner                             
Where her wit and her style proved a winner.                
Plus her beauty was vaunted;                                
But all that I wanted                                       
In truth, was to simply get in her.                         
                                                            
70377 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           John Miller              



"You've tried to get in me all night,"                      
Said Mary, adjusting the light.                             
"You've failed from the rear,                               
The front, even HERE!                                       
Now try moving in from the right."                          
                                                            
70378 WOMEN - NAMED - MARY           John Miller              



I know of a girl named Tereva,                              
Who was sick 'cause she had cabin feeva'.                   
She doesn't like meat,                                      
Or pickled-pigs-feet,                                       
But she sure likes the taste of the beava'!                 
                                                            
70379 WOMEN - NAMED - TERESA         Anon                     



Canadians say "America sucks!"                              
Amidst their forests, beavers, and ducks.                   
But from the south came                                     
Teresa, by name,                                            
With a place in her heart for Canucks.                      
                                                            
70380 WOMEN - NAMED - TERESA         Anon                     



Most schools guys find a sexual match,                      
But Princetons find girls hard to catch.                    
To their hands they must go,                                
'Til a young gal did show                                   
They all could have Teresa's snatch.                        
                                                            
70381 WOMEN - NAMED - TERESA         Anon                     



The Princeton Music Dept was all men;                       
But Teresa was strong to get in.                            
They said, "You don't have the voice,                       
So here is your choice,                                     
Skin flute, hanging sax, or organ!"                         
                                                            
70382 WOMEN - NAMED - TERESA         Anon                     



Teresa was filled with euphoria;                            
Playboy had told her a story a-                             
Bout making her a star.                                     
"You're a beauty by far!                                    
But in May we want to see moria!"                           
                                                            
70383 WOMEN - NAMED - TERESA         Gloria Larson            



"Indoor flying is dangerous, you see,"                      
Saint Theresa said, quite painfully.                        
"My old head is still reeling                               
From that bounce off the ceiling--                          
From now on, it's alfresco for me."                         
                                                            
70384 WOMEN - NAMED - TERESA         William N. Nesbit   P9609



Of boyfriends, she's had very few,                          
But Teresa, keen on anything new,                           
Tried all of the boys;                                      
Was dismayed by their toys,                                 
And left.  "I've had bigger than you!"                      
                                                            
70385 WOMEN - NAMED - TERESA         Anon                     



Dear Dick, I'm out getting a tan                            
All over, this year if I can.                               
From my toes to my hair-do                                  
I'm taking great care to.                                   
I wish you could see me now.                                
                            Ann                             
70386 WOMEN - NUDE                   Lance Payne         P8405



A daring young maid from Dubuque,                           
Risked a rather decided rebuke,                             
By receiving a prude                                        
In the absolute nude,                                       
But he gasped, "If you only could cook!"                    
                                                            
70387 WOMEN - NUDE                                       L1575



A student holed up in her carrel                            
Had worn out her wearing apparel.                           
Though she thought it not lewd                              
To be there in the nude,                                    
She went back and forth in a barrel.                        
                                                            
70388 WOMEN - NUDE                   Laurence Perrine    P8312



There once was a lady named Cbl.           (Carol)          
Who went to change clothes in a bbl.       (barrel)         
When a couple of knaves                                     
Made off with the staves,                                   
She was hooping it up sans appl.           (apparel)        
                                                            
70389 WOMEN - NUDE                   Bill Edwards        P9106



All those of lascivious taste                               
Who wait with thoughts lewd and unchaste,                   
Will be introduced                                          
Not to beauty unloosed,                                     
But only to beauty unlaced.                                 
                                                            
70390 WOMEN - NUDE                   Laurence Perrine    P8312



A cold-natured fellow named Chad                            
Would sleep with a big heating pad.                         
Lightning blew the transformer                              
So for substitute warmer,                                   
He switched to a woman unclad.                              
                                                            
70391 WOMEN - NUDE                   Armand E Singer       225



There was a young lady named Oola,                          
Who waggled her hips in the Hula.                           
As she dropped her grass skirt,                             
She cried, "I'm no flirt,                                   
I've stripped to the buff to be coola.                      
                                                            
70392 WOMEN - NUDE                                            



The lady could not sing a song.                             
In dancing, each foot fell all wrong.                       
But the crowds were all cheers                              
As they ordered more beers,                                 
For you see, she had nothing on.                            
                                                            
70393 WOMEN - NUDE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Erin,                          
Who asked, "Why are all the men starin'?"                   
Her mother said, "Honey,                                    
It's 'cause you look funny;                                 
The distinct lack of clothes that you're wearin'!"          
                                                            
70394 WOMEN - NUDE                                            



There was a young lady of Spain,                            
Who took down her pants on a train.                         
A very young porter,                                        
Saw more than he orter,                                     
And asked her to do it again.                               
                                                            
70395 WOMEN - NUDE                                       L0100



An Eskimo miss from Alaska,                                 
Was a hit at the U of Nebraska.                             
She would gladly expose                                     
Everything but her nose,                                    
To anyone there who would aska.                             
                                                            
70396 WOMEN - NUDE                   Pierce Evans             



While testing her latest invention,                         
A girl from another dimension                               
Frolicked nude on Times Square,                             
Fifty feet in the air,                                      
But didn't attract much attention.                          
                                                            
70397 WOMEN - NUDE                   Nancy Ashbaugh      P0105



Said a nasty old man of Freehold:                           
"The young of today, I am told,                             
Are so used to the nude                                     
That it doesn't seem lewd --                                
O Gee! But it's great to be old!"                           
                                                            
70398 WOMEN - NUDE                   Stain               P8309



"See-through fashions are fun," said old Clark.             
"They fill me with vigor and spark.                         
It makes life with wife Claribel                            
A little more bearable,                                     
For I always get fucked in the dark."                       
                                                            
70399 WOMEN - NUDE                   Albin Chaplin   3024-0087



"Damn! Why are you naked?" he cursed.                       
"For my birthday - it's my sixty first -                    
I thought I'd look cute                                     
In a real birthday suit."                                   
"Well next time, please iron it first!"                     
                                                            
70400 WOMEN - NUDE                   John Miller 0135         



There was a young tourist in Eskine,                        
Whose looks, admiration did win.                            
When I said to her: "Grace,                                 
You'd look nice in lace,"                                   
Said, "In fact, I look best in my skin."                    
                                                            
70401 WOMEN - NUDE                   Linda Marsh Coll         



A girl from sunny St. Thomas                                
Mislaid by mistake her pajamas.                             
Results that showed                                         
The sort of a mode                                          
That weans young men from their mommas.                     
                                                            
70402 WOMEN - NUDE                   The Glimmerick Book P9003



To a fancy-dress ball at Nathalia,                          
Went a girl in the guise of a dahlia.                       
Her petals fell off,                                        
Causing women to scoff;                                     
But the men didn't think her a failure.                     
                                                            
70403 WOMEN - NUDE                   Robust Ribald Rude  P9703



A snobbish young damsel from Crete                          
Always dreamed she undressed in the street.                 
The best part of the joke                                   
Was that when she awoke,                                    
She found there was mud on her feet.                        
                                                            
70404 WOMEN - NUDE                   Lee H. Murren       P8312



A young Moslem beauty named Tafik,                          
In films that were quite pornographic,                      
Acted nude in the street                                    
Save for shoes on her feet --                               
Which tied up the rush-hour traffic.                        
                                                            
70405 WOMEN - NUDE                   Armand E Singer       306



A sailor, at Sidi ben Said,                                 
Said "Now I shall sleep, for I'm tired."                    
That's not what he said,                                    
When he saw on his bed,                                     
A nubile and naked you naiad.                               
                                                            
70406 WOMEN - NUDE                   Cyril Bibby         P9710



One would have to be rather a prude                         
To object to repose in the nude.                            
For if you're by your own,                                  
You're by no-one-else known.                                
If you're not, well you're there to get rude!               
                                                            
70407 WOMEN - NUDE                   Mike Dale                



There once was a girl from Bermuda,                         
Who undressed till she couldn't be nuder.                   
When one young man inquired,                                
Why she wasn't attired,                                     
She said, "Can't you be a bit cruder?"                      
                                                            
70408 WOMEN - NUDE                   John Ciardi              



I have this cute name for my Gwen.                          
I use the word "chicken", and then                          
She offers her lips                                         
And then she unzips,                                        
But once I forgot and said, "Hen."                          
                                                            
70409 WOMEN - NUDE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young woman of Luton,                           
Whose favorite bed was a futon.                             
She wanted nothing more,                                    
Than to sleep on the floor,                                 
With only her birthday suit on.                             
                                                            
70410 WOMEN - NUDE                   P. Copeman               



A lass of curvaceous physique,                              
Liked dresses that made her look chic.                      
But all could agree                                         
That topless to knee,                                       
Did little to help her mystique.                            
                                                            
70411 WOMEN - NUDE                   Douglas Catley           



There was an old geezer named Blair,                        
Who used to get girls to strip bare                         
By slipping red ants                                        
In their bras and their pants.                              
It works, but it lacks 'savoir-faire'.                      
                                                            
70412 WOMEN - NUDE                   John Ciardi              



There was a young woman from Exeter,                        
And all the young men threw their sex at her.               
Just to be rude,                                            
She lay in the nude,                                        
While her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.             
                                                            
70413 WOMEN - NUDE                                            



The cradle has truly been rocked;                           
And the babies behavior has shocked.                        
There is so much to see;                                    
Oh my god it can't be!                                      
That's me daughter, you sod, get her frocked!               
                                                            
70414 WOMEN - NUDE                   Jim Weaver Collection    



A damsel, seductive and handsome,                           
Got wedged in a sleeping room transom.                      
When she offered much gold                                  
For release, she was told                                   
That the view was worth more than the ransom.               
                                                            
70415 WOMEN - NUDE                   Oliver Herford(1577)     



A young lady living in Brighton                             
Created a marvellous sight on                               
The night she forgot                                        
Her curtains to shut,                                       
While preparing for bed with her light on.                  
                                                            
70416 WOMEN - NUDE                   Dick Hedger              



While shopping for jewelry at Tiffany's,                    
She had one of her frequent epiphanies.                     
She just took off her dress                                 
With skill and finesse,                                     
And recited "The Frogs", Aristophanes.                      
                                                            
70417 WOMEN - NUDE                   Boy Pilot                



There was a young lady from Ipswich,                        
Who grew famous for making her hips twitch,                 
While shedding her clothes,                                 
Which as one might suppose,                                 
Were held on by no more that a slip stitch.                 
                                                            
70418 WOMEN - NUDE                   John Ciardi              



A socialite considered it rude                              
To promenade in the nude.                                   
"It is so common, my dear,"                                 
She said with a sneer,                                      
"And extraordinarily crude."                                
                                                            
70419 WOMEN - NUDE                   Clif Gauss          P8401



The lovely and sexy Miss Givery                             
Once called for a pizza delivery;                           
She answered the door                                       
With her robe to the floor,                                 
And she made the delivery boy quivery.                      
                                                            
70420 WOMEN - NUDE                   Cap'n Bean          P9807



It's summer again and I'm hot,                              
So sleeping in jammies I'm not.                             
I sleep in the nude,                                        
But let's not be crude --                                   
I sleep in the best skin I've got.                          
                                                            
70421 WOMEN - NUDE                   Marlene Lewis            



Enjoying the urge that behove 'em,                          
Unceasingly goaded and drove 'em,                           
The lewd quickly queued                                     
And viewed a fair nude --                                   
Like sperm in pursuit of an ovum.                           
                                                            
70422 WOMEN - NUDE                   Philo Logue         P8312



We solicit your frank attitude                              
On "How should a female be viewed?"                         
To expedite reference,                                      
Please check your preference:                               
Stark naked [ ] or Totally Nude [ ].                        
                                                            
70423 WOMEN - NUDE                   Laurence Perrine    P8312



There were two young ladies of Nice                         
Wo drank seven cocktails apiece,                            
Then tried to undress                                       
In the Paris express,                                       
But were stopped by the local police.                       
                                                            
70424 WOMEN - NUDE                   Rudyard Kipling     P8903



Said a diffident lady named Drood,                          
The first time she saw a man nude,                          
"I'm glad I'm the sex                                       
That's concave, not convex,                                 
For I don't fancy things that protrude.                     
                                                            
70425 WOMEN - NUDE                   Grand Prix Lim 143  G0314



Geofrey Le Bec La Claire                                    
Spied a demoiselle exceedingly fair.                        
"Until death I will try,"                                   
He said with a sigh,                                        
"To strip her completely bare."                             
                                                            
70426 WOMEN - NUDE                   Clif Gauss          P8401



There was a young lady of Soake                             
Whom the locals considered a kook.                          
She loudly protested                                        
At being arrested,                                          
For sunning herself in a toque.                             
                                                            
70427 WOMEN - NUDE                   John E Mayhood      P0900



A careless young lovely named Dunning                       
Always strips herself bare when she's sunning.              
Boys passing her way                                        
All try for a lay...                                        
But so far she' made 'em come, running...                   
                                                            
70428 WOMEN - NUDE                   Grand Prix Lim  694      



Said a bashful old maid named Zenobia,                      
"When you're dead the embalmers disrobe ya,                 
Which is truly 'de trop'.                                   
So I simply won't go;                                       
Plus I suffer from thanatophobia."                          
                                                            
70429 WOMEN - NUDE                   Armand E Singer       251



A down-under lassie named Judah.                            
Had fully undressed in her boudoir.                         
The curtains did fall,                                      
And so did the wall.                                        
With nowhere to hide, she felt nuda.                        
                                                            
70430 WOMEN - NUDE                   TuttaGioia               



In Whitehorse the story is told                             
Of a prude running nude through the cold.                   
Saying life in the Yukon                                    
Was something to pukon,                                     
And wishing to be a gatefold.                               
                                                            
70431 WOMEN - NUDE                   Hugh Oliver          112c



A girl who was from Brooklyn Heights,                       
Looked quite mediocre in tights.                            
There was much more approval                                
When, upon their removal,                                   
She revealed more spectacular sights.                       
                                                            
70432 WOMEN - NUDE                   Isaac Asimov             



A group tripper by name Mrs. White                          
Gave the party a thrill and a fright;                       
"Don't think I am rude                                      
If I turn out quite nude,                                   
That's my way of travelling light."                         
                                                            
70433 WOMEN - NUDE                   Bill Backe-Hansen   P8312



At a masquerade near Athabaska                              
I hadn't the nerve to unmaska.                              
But now, I suppose,                                         
I've removed all her clothes --                             
Now it might be all right, so alaska.                       
                                                            
70434 WOMEN - NUDE                   Hugh Oliver           92d



Open-eyed to observers naked-thewed                         
A goddess is rash if not rued.                              
But stare if you dare                                       
At beauty laid bare,                                        
If you've viewed pulchritude in the nude.                   
                                                            
70435 WOMEN - NUDE                   Laurence Perrine    P8312



Some bangers and mash with some peas,                       
With tea and three sugars to please,                        
All served at my table                                      
By waitressing Mabel,                                       
Wearing boots and then bare from the knees.                 
                                                            
70436 WOMEN - NUDE                                            



There once was an old Casanova,                             
Far south in the county of Dover.                           
On seeing a nude                                            
He came all unglued,                                        
Insisted on pawing her over.                                
                                                            
70437 WOMEN - NUDE                   Philo Logue         P8312



She screamed as he opened the door,                         
Just as her pink robe hit the floor.                        
"You cannot come in!                                        
My slip is too thin.                                        
I can't let you see any more!"                              
                                                            
70438 WOMEN - NUDE                   Marty              TP9807



At a party she thought was quite fun, it                    
Happened she drank too much rum; it                         
Caused her to snore,                                        
When she woke on the floor                                  
Quite undressed - And she knew not whodunnit.               
                                                            
70439 WOMEN - NUDE                                            



Lady Katherine Kimberly-Kitt                                
On the stage had been quite a hit.                          
When her fans yelled, "Encore",                             
She would take off some more,                               
And until she was nude, wouldn't quit.                      
                                                            
70440 WOMEN - NUDE                   Warrick Elrod            



There was a young woman named Dawes,                        
Whose costume was all made of gauze.                        
When they turned on the light,                              
Behind her one night,                                       
The fellows broke into applause.                            
                                                            
70441 WOMEN - NUDE                   Isaac Asimov             



To his model said artist Ken Ketch,                         
"For nature and nudes, I'm a lech.                          
As one who's no saint, you                                  
Know how I must paint you --                                
So spread your bare thighs on the vetch."                   
                                                            
70442 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Armand E Singer       331



New Mexico, college of prudes,                              
Has forever banned artists' nudes.                          
No more buttocks and tits,                                  
To delight the nitwits:                                     
The female form turns off the rubes.                        
                                                            
70443 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS                              G2462



There was a young girl from Watsessing                      
Who stood on a corner undressing.                           
She said, "I don't mind                                     
If they see my behind,                                      
But I do charge a fee for caressing."                       
                                                            
70444 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Edward Leer              



I saw a Las Vegas revue;                                    
Now nothing they showed me was new:                         
Bare tits and bare asses                                    
Of half-naked lasses,                                       
But why can't I sample some too?                            
                                                            
70445 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Armand E Singer       838



Young Lucy, a lady of Honiton,                              
Oft walked down the street with no bonnet on.               
No dress, panties, nor bra,                                 
And poets near and far                                      
Of Lucy wrote many a sonnet on.                             
                                                            
70446 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Tiddy Ogg                



The boys thought sweet Primrose a prude                     
Till they learned she posed totally nude.                   
Then they tried to draw lots                                
For the right to take shots,                                
But their ardor was all misconstrued.                       
                                                            
70447 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Don Mulford              



One day my friend Sandra was chose,                         
To star in some nude revue shows.                           
She found it a pain                                         
And was heard to complain:                                  
"They give no allowance for clothes."                       
                                                            
70448 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS                                   



There was a young artist named Merritt                      
Who painted a nude in his garret.                           
He said, "I must stop working,                              
For you now have me perking,                                
And I fear I can no longer bear it."                        
                                                            
70449 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Albin Chaplin            



A comely young model named Rose                             
Had a wart on the end of her nose;                          
But it didn't deter                                         
Any pictures of her,                                        
It was not Rose's nose they'd expose.                       
                                                            
70450 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Don Mulford              



A camera enthusiast named Crocus                            
Took pictures without hocus-pocus.                          
He took one of a nude                                       
And he seemed to be rude,                                   
But he simply was way out of focus.                         
                                                            
70451 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Albin Chaplin            



Well, if there ain't "September Morn,"                      
As fair as the day she was born;                            
But, tell me, who knows                                     
Who stole all her clothes --                                
And left her so bare and forlorn!                           
                                                            
70452 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Samuel S Sherman    P9804



I gasped at the picture of Lynn                             
Whose rare, Mona Lisa-like grin                             
Was awfully pretty,                                         
But it was a pity,                                          
She wore nothing south of her chin.                         
                                                            
70453 WOMEN - NUDE - MODELS          Anon                     



Dear Nudist Camp Applicant Bea;                             
For practice undress near a tree.                           
As neighbors walk by,                                       
You wave to them "Hi!"                                      
At first just your arm let them see.                        
                                                            
70454 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Irving Superior     P8312



Dear Nudist Camp Applicant Joe;                             
Your problem -- in case it should grow!                     
We won't let this happen.                                   
Miss Jones and Miss Tappan                                  
Will tie it down tight to your toe.                         
                                                            
70455 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Irving Superior     P8312



When thus reassured, Joe enrolled.                          
Then tied with a string, took a stroll.                     
From out 'hind a tree,                                      
(The string tensed a wee)                                   
Jumped Bea shouting, "Lo and Behold."                       
                                                            
70456 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Irving Superior     P8312



A nudist who lived by the sea                               
Had a tan that was tan as could be.                         
She gained great renown                                     
With the folks in our town                                  
When the preacher fell out of the tree.                     
                                                            
70457 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Neal Wilgus         P8312



A nudist who lived by the sea                               
Had a tan 'twas a pleasure to see.                          
Yes, and she never cried                                    
When the boys tanned her hide,                              
For she loved to be over a knee.                            
                                                            
70458 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Neal Wilgus         P8312



The nudists, by pure thoughts possessed,                    
Were gathered for prayer before rest,                       
But one wanton boy                                          
Eyed his ravishing Joy,                                     
And dreamed how she'd look fully dressed.                   
                                                            
70459 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Laurence Perrine    P8312



It's no fun, this being a nudist!                           
The facilities here are the crudest.                        
The bleachers are splintery,                                
The summers are wintery,                                    
And the straightest guy here is a Buddhist.                 
                                                            
70460 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Robin K. Willoughby P8312



"This hole in the Nudist Camp fence                         
I rent out to lecherous gents...                            
You get five minute's time,                                 
All I charge is a dime...                                   
You're next mister, give me ten cents."                     
                                                            
70461 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Grand Prix Lim  267      



The County maintains it is lewd                             
To have kiddies where adults are nude.                      
I bet that they're scared                                   
That if THEY should be bared,                               
The catcalls and smirks would be rude.                      
                                                            
70462 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST                                   



What I found at the park was quite stunning:                
Their interest was not just in sunning!                     
They had much better chance                                 
Without any pants,                                          
Getting sex exploits off and running.                       
                                                            
70463 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST                                   



I observed, from the place where I sat,                     
Most nudists are flabby and fat.                            
No need to go there                                         
To ogle and stare --                                        
I can look in the mirror for that!                          
                                                            
70464 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST                                   



As a nudist, Zoe tried to stay chaste                       
But fighting off men was a waste...                         
Now she's getting fine prizes                               
Even some in big sizes,                                     
Though she seldom finds one to her taste.                   
                                                            
70465 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Grand Prix Lim  305      



I once spoke for a feminist cause                           
At a girls nudist camp at La Paz.                           
When those plump little wenches                             
Sat down on their benches,                                  
I distinctly heard a round of applause.                     
                                                            
70466 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Arthur Deex         P8308



Though she gives you the come-hither eye,                   
Our neat nudist neighbor, Miss Blye,                        
Won't give guys a chance                                    
For a go at her pants,                                      
And that sure makes it hard on a guy...                     
                                                            
70467 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Grand Prix Lim  444      



When young and in rut like a stag,                          
(Before I found girlies to shag)                            
I'd give it a bash                                          
While I ogled my cache                                      
Of that "Health & Efficiency" mag.                          
                                                            
70468 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST                                   



Two prudish old spinsters named Frore,                      
Their new nudist neighbors adore...                         
"Sunbathers," they said                                     
"Make us blush fiery red,                                   
But we both still keep looking some more!"                  
                                                            
70469 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Grand Prix Lim  864      



Sally suns in the nude in her yard                          
Under her bachelor neighbor's regard,                       
And he sadly said, "She                                     
Gives a good show for free,                                 
But to look and not touch, makes it hard..."                
                                                            
70470 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Grand Prix Lim  508      



Though he pressed his suit vainly, while dressing           
In fashions his girl found distressing,                     
When they happened to meet                                  
In a nudist retreat,                                        
He found his suit needed no pressing.                       
                                                            
70471 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Lance Payne         P8405



I went to the camp on a dare,                               
Expecting to just stand there and stare.                    
"I'm too late," I asserted,                                 
For the place was deserted,                                 
And I saw not a soul, hide nor hair.                        
                                                            
70472 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Neal Wilgus         P8312



There once was a lady from Stockton                         
Who would rather not have shoes and sox on.                 
In fact, if she could,                                      
She'd romp in the wood,                                     
With naught but her beautiful locks on.                     
                                                            
70473 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Lims For Year - 01       



A nudist girl wearing three raisins,                        
A masquerade prize was her goal.                            
The judges said, "Looky!                                    
In front, she's a cookie,                                   
In back, she's a Parker House roll."                        
                                                            
70474 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST                              L1716



A lady who lived in Berlin                                  
Was arrested for wearing a grin.                            
So she said, "I suppose                                     
I must get in my clothes,                                   
Though I'd rather me out than be in."                       
                                                            
70475 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Cybergeezer              



I went to the nudist resort                                 
In hopes of some really good sport.                         
My advances were spurned,                                   
You can guess where I burned,                               
And I stink on the volleyball court.                        
                                                            
70476 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          John Miller 0134         



My eyeballs got sunburned as well                           
As I ogled the babes in that dell.                          
The young ones, well tanned,                                
Most surely looked grand;                                   
All the others, I say, looked like hell.                    
                                                            
70477 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          John Miller 0134a        



There once was a student named Judith                       
Who spent all her summers a nudist.                         
She was red as a rose                                       
'Cause she sunned with no clothes,                          
And she was just simply the cutest.                         
                                                            
70478 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Vladimir Lenskii   TP9802



A lady, who rules Fort Montgomery.                          
Says the wearing of clothes is a mummery.                   
She has frequently tea'd in                                 
The costume of Eden,                                        
Appearing delightfully summery.                             
                                                            
70479 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Morris Bishop            



Today when I strolled through my yard,                      
A ranchhand, young Sarah Faye Ard,                          
Was sunbathing nude,                                        
So as not to be rude,                                       
I stood there and thought long and hard.                    
                                                            
70480 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Travis Brasell           



Near nudist camps, Vicar Smith passes,                      
And notices sunbathing lasses,                              
Who're spreading their thighs.                              
Protecting his eyes,                                        
He puts on his rose-colored glasses.                        
                                                            
70481 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Travis Brasell           



Our town has a nudist named Ester.                          
Our women detest and protest her.                           
Our men twelve to one,                                      
Each day there is sun,                                      
Will go to see Esther siesta.                               
                                                            
70482 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST          Irving Superior     P8312



"On the path by your feet there's a snake, Ed!"             
He looked down and there was, but a fake, dead.             
It was just a diversion,                                    
So he'd miss the perversion,                                
Carried on by some people stark naked                       
                                                            
70483 WOMEN - NUDE - NUDIST                                   



A girl will advance a fast clip                             
When she learns how her frame to equip,                     
And fine dress she does master                              
But she gets ahead faster,                                  
When she learns how to cleverly strip.                      
                                                            
70484 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Albin Chaplin            



When you go to a town in Algiers,                           
You will find that the girls have no fears.                 
When they're pinched in the ass,                            
They will lay on the grass,                                 
And they'll take off their pants and brassieres.            
                                                            
70485 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Albin Chaplin   3024-1926



"Not so," said a fellow named Sears,                        
"I've been to a town in Algiers.                            
They don't wear any pants                                   
As do ladies in France,                                     
And they wouldn't be seen in brassieres."                   
                                                            
70486 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Albin Chaplin   3024-1927



There was a young lady of Glahms,                           
Who would undress without any qualms.                       
She would strip to the buff,                                
For enough of the stuff,                                    
And freely dispose of her charms.                           
                                                            
70487 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                               G1796



In Bhawalpur the Prince, Oumin Ghude,                       
Doesn't make harem cuties go nude...                        
His whim is fantastic...                                    
In transparent plastic                                      
Every smidgeon of them can be viewed!                       
                                                            
70488 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Grand Prix Lim  496      



Lady Katherine Kimberley Kite                               
Gave parties that were quite a sight.                       
She would bid all the masses,                               
Come with bare tits and asses,                              
To boogie and woogie all night.                             
                                                            
70489 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Arthur Deex         P0209



She would bid all her friends, To expose their bare ends,   
She would bid all the boobs, Come with bare pubes & boobs,  
She would bid all her kin, To wear naught but bare skin,    
She would bid all her chums, To come with bare bums,        
She would bid old galoots, To wear their birthday suits,    
                                                            
70490 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Arthur Deex         P0209



The number of girls who aren't Katie,                       
Outnumber the ones who are, matey.                          
But all of them can                                         
Evoke in a man,                                             
A feeling that is un-deflatey                               
                                                            
70491 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Expecting her boyfriend, named Brad,                        
Her timing was terribly bad;                                
For, she answered the knocks                                
Wearing only her socks,                                     
But instead of old Brad, it was Dad!                        
                                                            
70492 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



There once was a gal from St. Jude,                         
Who did all her chores in the nude.                         
Straight home came her mate;                                
He'd never be late.                                         
For work, he ne'er was in the mood.                         
                                                            
70493 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Pilar                    



One day, with her laundry on 'spin',                        
A helmet tied on to her chin,                               
She jumped in dismay,                                       
Heard the meter man say,                                    
"I do hope to see your team win."                           
                                                            
70494 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Pilar                    



The meter man said with a grin,                             
(His mind was fixed clearly on sin)                         
"For your team I'll root,                                   
'Cause your uniform's cute."                                
She said, "How the hell'd you get in?"                      
                                                            
70495 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Frank Fazed              



She'd forgotten to check the back door,                     
Before getting on with her chore.                           
She said, "I'll be damn...                                  
You'll just have to scram.                                  
It's the postman that I'm waiting for."                     
                                                            
70496 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Pilar                    



The meter man replied to the girl,                          
"No matter. Let's go for a whirl!"                          
He kept his rod in                                          
Till the washer hit spin;                                   
She screamed and then her toes curled.                      
                                                            
70497 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Dave Jersey              



"Only Euclid has seen beauty bare,"                         
Wrote Millay; whether true I don't care.                    
I am satisfied quite                                        
With what Celia last night                                  
Revealed to my stare -- and my share!                       
                                                            
70498 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Lance Payne         P8312



A certain young lady of Babylon,                            
Decided to lure all the rabble on,                          
By raising her shirt                                        
And dropping her skirt,                                     
Exposing a market to dabble on.                             
                                                            
70499 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Will you be in the all together,                            
Or just maybe wearing a feather                             
In the back of your head,                                   
Like an Indian red,                                         
With a loin cloth tanned from leather?                      
                                                            
70500 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



I'd prefer you all naked and bare,                          
To see everything, if you dare.                             
Yes, with me come and dance,                                
Show me your lance,                                         
And then have a feel of my snare.                           
                                                            
70501 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Young Betsy was far from discreet;                          
She used language I shall not repeat.                       
I simply was not ready,                                     
When in bed and sweaty,                                     
She said, "Put your %$&*# in my expletive delete!"          
                                                            
70502 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Hey look; it's the orifice girls,                           
Wearing naught but a grin and some pearls.                  
They go about whorin',                                      
So don't put your oar in,                                   
You don't know what's under their curls.                    
                                                            
70503 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Our diplomat favors back stairs                             
To carry on foreign affairs.                                
He mounts for an hour                                       
To a lady's boudoir                                         
Where state secrets she happily bares.                      
                                                            
70504 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Laurence Perrine    P9407



"Please give me a roll, Ann Glipta",                        
Her gaffer said, as he unzipped her;                        
"I can't decorate                                           
With so lovely a mate";                                     
The next thing she knew, he had stripped her.               
                                                            
70505 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Harold C Bibby           



Most concerned she'd be left on the shelf,                  
Called for action, thought Jennifer Relf.                   
So starkers she pounced                                     
On a guy and announced,                                     
"If you like what you see, help yourself."                  
                                                            
70506 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Paul Westwood       P9607



At the party, Bill's wife appeared nude                     
And said, "I'm not crazy or stewed...                       
Bill, the impotent dope                                     
Keeps on saying, 'Nope...'                                  
Now I'm ready, and hope to be screwed!"                     
                                                            
70507 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Grand Prix Lim  912      



There's nothing exclusive, or snobby                        
About Mrs. Van der Meer's hobby:                            
She likes to ungown,                                        
For whomever's arown'                                       
The Waldorf-Astoria lobby.                                  
                                                            
70508 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



There was a young lady named Bayer                          
Who took off her clothes for the mayor.                     
Then she said to the fink,                                  
"I am ready, I think."                                      
Said the mayor, "I'm just a surveyor."                      
                                                            
70509 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Albin Chaplin   3024-1834



A young lady, whose life-style malicious,                   
Decribed loosely as too meretricious,                       
Said, "When the boys peel me,                               
And delightfully feel me,                                   
I feel like a golden delicious."                            
                                                            
70510 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Gavin Ewart              



There was a young girl named O'Farrell                      
Who went 'round without any apparel.                        
And when she detected                                       
A penis erected,                                            
She took it--lock, stock, and barrel.                       
                                                            
70511 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                               G2446



Nude women in interesting poses                             
May get up the feminists noses,                             
But who gives a hang                                        
If the shots make your schlang                              
Expand 'til it touches your toeses.                         
                                                            
70512 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



A pretty girl began to undress                              
In front of the officer's mess.                             
The soldiers went wild,                                     
But the captian was mild,                                   
And told her to meet at recess.                             
                                                            
70513 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Bellal                   



A provoking young lady of Canton                            
Causes women and clergy to rant on;                         
For they cannot condone                                     
What she does, when alone                                   
With a guy, and with nary a pant on.                        
                                                            
70514 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Keith MacMillan     A093A



A saucy young lass is Martine,                              
With habits that some call obscene.                         
She exposes her nose                                        
And all of her toes,                                        
And most of the parts in between!                           
                                                            
70515 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



This broad from around Santa Rosa                           
Is a hot-box, and eveyone knowsa.                           
When she swims in the nude,                                 
Screaming out to be screwed...                              
Well, you don't so much ridesa as rowsa.                    
                                                            
70516 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Hugh Oliver         A024C



In the south there lives a young minx,                      
Who wears only her smile and winks.                         
When it's hot it's okay                                     
To go out dressed that way,                                 
Or, at least, that's what she thinks.                       
                                                            
70517 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Hey lover, my precious, come in!                            
Yes my wife has now gone.  Let's begin                      
By removing your ..... ah,                                  
You've no panties or bra;                                   
Why, you're wearing naught else but a grin!                 
                                                            
70518 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



There was a young lady from Leicester                       
Who allowed the young men to molest her.                    
For a kiss and a squeeze                                    
She would spread both her knees,                            
And she'd strip to the buff if they pressed her.            
                                                            
70519 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                               G0109



She was taught that to show herself nude                    
Was lascivious, shameless, and lewd.                        
Therefore, not to excite,                                   
She would unscrew the light                                 
Whenever she wished to be screwed.                          
                                                            
70520 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Lance Payne         P8312



If I went to a hoedown shindig,                             
Took my clothes off and danced up a jig,                    
Deep down here in Dixie,                                    
This fair maid pixie,                                       
Would be penned, poked and porked like a pig.               
                                                            
70521 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Goin2later               



Like you, I'm a bitch and a slut;                           
The difference's with whom I will rut.                      
With men I'll bend over.                                    
While you prefer Rover,                                     
For a big doggie dick up the butt.                          
                                                            
70522 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Goin2later               



There was a young lady of Leicester,                        
Who had an idea which obsessed her.                         
When she felt in the mood,                                  
She'd run round in the nude,                                
And wonder why no-one possessed her.                        
                                                            
70523 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Alan Clark               



There was a young lady of Erskine,                          
Who had a remarkable fur skin.                              
When I said to her, "Mabel,                                 
You look fine in your sable."                               
She replied, "I look best in my bare skin."                 
                                                            
70524 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



A senora from old Alicante,                                 
Whose morals were notably scanty.                           
"I'm not at my best,"                                       
She said, "overdressed."                                    
So she left off both brassiere and panty.                   
                                                            
70525 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                               G1734



While hunting for game, young Bill Potter,                  
The weather grew hotter and hotter.                         
He spotted young Jude                                       
Sunbathing, quite nude...                                   
She said she was game, so he shot her.                      
                                                            
70526 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Tiddy Ogg                



Said a charming young maid, "My success                     
Lies in working with tact and finesse.                      
I think it is crude                                         
To get noisy or stewed.                                     
Like a lady, I simply undress."                             
                                                            
70527 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Isaac Asimov             



Try sky-diving nude; its effects                            
Can give rise to spectacular sex.                           
If while downwards you hurl,                                
You take aim at your girl,                                  
Who's spread-eagled below like an X.                        
                                                            
70528 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Well hidden in bushes secluded,                             
I stumbled on Debbie denuded.                               
And giving her middle                                       
One heck of diddle;                                         
"So sorry", I said, "I extruded."                           
                                                            
70529 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Peter Wilkins            



Smart clothes make a girl interesting,                      
A point that I'm not now contesting,                        
But I'm always surprising                                   
My interest rising,                                         
When a cutie commences divesting.                           
                                                            
70530 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Lance Payne         P8312



It was down by the old babbling brook,                      
The first time I took a good look,                          
At my sweet Ermintrude,                                     
Who was sunbathing nude,                                    
In the shade of a willow's cool nook.                       
                                                            
70531 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Tiddy Ogg                



At the sight of this handsome young boy.                    
Young Ermintrude acted so coy,                              
But I lay by her side                                       
And then she espied,                                        
A part of me that she'd enjoy.                              
                                                            
70532 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Tiddy Ogg                



We frolicked there most of the day,                         
In the warm hazy sun of late May,                           
Till a youth and his dog,                                   
Creeping near, stole our togs,                              
And laughingly ran far away.                                
                                                            
70533 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Tiddy Ogg                



Now fig trees in England aren't grown,                      
So we grabbed some sprigs from a rowan,                     
These using to screen                                       
Things not usually seen,                                    
Shamefacedly we crept back home.                            
                                                            
70534 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Tiddy Ogg                



I simply adore it when men see                              
Me naked," said Mrs McKenzie,                               
Increasingly hot                                            
As she fingered her twat,                                   
In a wild uninhibited frenzy.                               
                                                            
70535 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



You'll think I am odd, I suppose,                           
When I romp with young girls with no clothes.               
Though I do like their lips                                 
Flirting 'round near my hips,                               
I prefer 'em to start with my toes.                         
                                                            
70536 WOMEN - NUDE - READY                                    



Maggie's got all the right stuff,                           
From tip of the nose to the muff.                           
For she is the dream                                        
That makes The Choad cream,                                 
Just thinking of Mag in the buff.                           
                                                            
70537 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Jim Weaver Collection    



Said a lovely Greek maiden named Clytie,                    
"I look mighty nice in my nightie.                          
But beyond all compare,                                     
I look cuter when bare,                                     
And when I am bare I am bitey.                              
                                                            
70538 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Conrad Aiken             



A superior lady of Maine                                    
Though seducible now and again,                             
When removing her clothes,                                  
Would wrinkle her nose                                      
With a maddening air of disdain.                            
                                                            
70539 WOMEN - NUDE - READY           Keith MacMillan     A058B



A pretty young student from Girton                          
Went out one day without her shirt on.                      
When chased in the wood;                                    
Ran as fast as she could;                                   
Was nearly caught, till she put a spurt on!                 
                                                            
70540 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Arthur Pattaffy          



To the ball with her mons newly shaven,                     
Went the buxom bare babe from New Haven.                    
Said she, "D'you suppose                                    
It's because I lack clothes                                 
That the fellows are slaverin' and ravin'?                  
                                                            
70541 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Grand Prix Lim  368      



There was a young woman from Aenos,                         
Who came to our party as Venus.                             
We told her how rude,                                       
'Twas to come here quite nude,                              
And we brought her a leaf from the green-h'us.              
                                                            
70542 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Thomas B. Aldrich   L1571



Each Tuesday I pull from the ditch                          
The surrey of spinster Faye Fitch                           
Who sits on the seat                                        
And thinks it's so neat,                                    
To drive and wear nary a stitch.                            
                                                            
70543 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



A gorgeous young nymphet named Christine                    
Was elected as America's Miss Teen.                         
When they put on the crown,                                 
She tossed off the gown                                     
Showing a form, like this limerick, pristine.               
                                                            
70544 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Don Laycock         P8811



Veronica isn't a prude.                                     
She proves it by going out nude.                            
Whether beach or a bar,                                     
Whether near or so far,                                     
She takes a carefree attitude.                              
                                                            
70545 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Jameto                   



A frolicsome female named Feaster,                          
To celebrate Christmas and Easter,                          
Rips off all her clothes,                                   
Snorts coke up her nose,                                    
And crudely rotates her bare keister.                       
                                                            
70546 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Armand E Singer       944



Said a calendar model named Gloria,                         
"So the men can enjoy real euphoria,                        
You pose as you are                                         
In Jan., Feb. and Mar.                                      
Then in April they wanna see moria!"                        
                                                            
70547 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



There was a young lady from Stroud,                         
Who stripped naked in front of a crowd.                     
For her own salvation,                                      
She ran to the police station,                              
The sergeant said, 'Miss, not allowed!"                     
                                                            
70548 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Arthur Pattaffy          



There is a young lady named Rose,                           
Who walks through the streets with no clothes.              
The reason, they said,                                      
Is she's daft in the head,                                  
But the truth is that nobody knows.                         
                                                            
70549 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Margaret A. Murdock P8310



Said Jane, "I just love to exhibit,                         
A delight I let nothing inhibit.                            
I think it's a ball                                         
To undress and bare all.                                    
Oh, I'm such a young flibbertigibbet."                      
                                                            
70550 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Isaac Asimov             



A dusky young maiden, Alana,                                
Lies nude on the beaches of Ghana,                          
Caressing with feeling,                                     
Appealing peeling                                           
And teasingly eating banana.                                
                                                            
70551 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Peter Wilkins            



My neighbor, a buxom young lass,                            
Lay sprawled out and nude on the grass.                     
She said, "I draw flies                                     
More often than guys,                                       
But only when I'm passing gas."                             
                                                            
70552 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         John Miller              



The cause of a Japanese riot                                
Was a girl walking nude in the Diet.                        
When the cops asked her why,                                
She gave this reply,                                        
"You never will know till you try it."                      
                                                            
70553 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Fred Cohen          P8312



Said a chic and attractive young Greek,                     
"Would you like a quick peek that's unique?"                
"Why Yes!", Joe confessed,                                  
So she quickly undressed,                                   
And showed him her sleek Greek physique.                    
                                                            
70554 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Isaac Asimov             



A flowery young flossie of Florida,                         
As the weather was getting much torrida,                    
Took off all her clothes                                    
From her neck to her toes,                                  
And was mad when the locals ignorrida.                      
                                                            
70555 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         J.B.                A033A



At attention, men stand and salute,                         
Then follow along in pursuit.                               
Always happens when,                                        
I'm wearing a grin,                                         
Out jogging in my birthday suit.                            
                                                            
70556 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



The thoughts conjured up in my mind                         
As I watch you, are hardly refined.                         
Should I view from the front                                
Your bazoomas and cunt,                                     
Or just follow and jog your behind?                         
                                                            
70557 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



Refinement will be on your mind,                            
When I wiggle my little hehind.                             
You will want me to play                                    
And I'll do it my way.                                      
Then you pay me right back, in kind.                        
                                                            
70558 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Goin2later               



An eccentric young lady named Pat,                          
Every morning, went walking her cat;                        
Every guy that went by                                      
Always stopped to say "hi,"                                 
Because all that she wore was a hat.                        
                                                            
70559 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Cap'n Bean          P9812



I bought me a camera that's new;                            
I've got plenty of pics to show too.                        
But what would be great                                     
If you come 'round here late;                               
I'd like to take some nude shots of you!                    
                                                            
70560 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



I'm speaking of Erica Roe,                                  
A streaker, who some time ago,                              
Stripped down to her knickers,                              
And scampered round Twickers,                               
To give all the fellows a show.                             
                                                            
70561 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



There was a bold hussy from Iver;                           
The magistrate fined her a fiver,                           
For she thought it a lark,                                  
At the fete in the Park,                                    
To personate Lady Godiva.                                   
                                                            
70562 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Langford Reed       P8809



A lady called Adelaide Rose                                 
Went around without any clothes.                            
She had a slim figure                                       
But as she got bigger,                                      
She had much more to disclose.                              
                                                            
70563 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Spike Milligan           



The nurse said while fixing Guy's bed,                      
"That thing on you looks like it's dead..."                 
Then she hoisted her dress                                  
And as you doubtless guess,                                 
Guy's dead 'un at once raised its head.                     
                                                            
70564 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Grand Prix Lim  290      



Fifi Au Naturelle                                           
Coquettishly said, "What the hell.                          
It is not a sin                                             
To appear in my skin,                                       
Or cavort 'avec lesquelles'."                               
                                                            
70565 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Clif Gauss          P8401



On beaches where breasts and thighs thicken,                
It's hard on me not to go pickin'                           
Around, don't ya know?                                      
But, damn, who would throw                                  
Away all that southern fried chicken?                       
                                                            
70566 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



Do you lie there and just close your eyes,                  
From all of those naked tanned thighs,                      
And bouncy young breasts,                                   
You cannot molest?                                          
It must be real hard on you guys.                           
                                                            
70567 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



There's nude beaches up there by the "Hook".                
The "bake and shake" there's worth a look.                  
Adult beverage franchises,                                  
And all different sizes                                     
Of willing young things who can cook!                       
                                                            
70568 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Ericka                   



Some beaches require no clothes.                            
You can lie there and fully expose                          
All parts of your bod,                                      
As long as your rod,                                        
Lays there and does nothing but doze.                       
                                                            
70569 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



A Brazilian young lady named Ray,                           
Dressed up for the festival day.                            
What she wore on the float                                  
Won all young mens' vote,                                   
What she had was on public display!                         
                                                            
70570 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady of Nassik                            
Whose attire was graceful and classic --                    
For all that she wore,                                      
Both behind and before,                                     
Was a wreath of the roses of Nassik.                        
                                                            
70571 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Rudyard Kipling1886 P8903



The Sun portrays girls on page three,                       
Who show more than you usually see.                         
They reveal the bare facts,                                 
And I don't mean their backs.                               
They display their assets to a 'T'.                         
                                                            
70572 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Arthur Pattaffy          



For years I often have felt                                 
A woman's clothed best in her pelt.                         
And all that she needs,                                     
Is not fashion's decrees,                                   
But just wear some pearls and a belt.                       
                                                            
70573 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Archie                   



Well now, my son, I agree.                                  
But why have the belt?  Oh, I see.                          
That's so, when you boff,                                   
You (a) don't fall off,                                     
Or (b) get sucked in to the knee.                           
                                                            
70574 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Tiddy Ogg                



Like manna from heaven is Gloria,                           
Engendering gastric euphoria.                               
When slowly undressin',                                     
A delicatessen;                                             
A smorgasbord phantasmagoria.                               
                                                            
70575 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



Said a fashion designer from France,                        
A well dressed young girl will advance.                     
But he had to admit                                         
She will make the big hit,                                  
When she takes off her bra and her pants.                   
                                                            
70576 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Albin Chaplin            



There once was a girl named Louise,                         
Who was an incredible cock tease.                           
She'd walk around bare                                      
So all guys could stare,                                    
But did absolutely nothing to please!                       
                                                            
70577 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



Though my hair is quite long and flowing,                   
And naked, my skin is quite glowing,                        
I never do streaks.                                         
So if you want peeks,                                       
Just ask for your own private showing.                      
                                                            
70578 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Ericka                   



Said a civil rights worker named Dot,                       
"There's one thing I protesteth not.                        
When I lie in the street,                                   
I think it's real neat,                                     
To be carried off showing my twat.                          
                                                            
70579 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



A young colleen from the County Clare,                      
Went to the commons quite bare.                             
She sat in the stocks,                                      
Retaining her socks.                                        
When arrested, she said 'twas a dare.                       
                                                            
70580 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Arthur Pattaffy          



Some girls, and I don't understand 'em,                     
Will strip off their clothing at random.                    
Without any qualms                                          
To exhibit their charms:                                    
In short--quod erat demonstrandum.                          
                                                            
70581 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Langford Reed            



I saw a young lady while farming,                           
Whose custom was rather disarming.                          
She never wore clothes,                                     
From her knees to her nose;                                 
Her appearance was really quite charming.                   
                                                            
70582 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Jameto                   



I'm sleeping in my big sweatshirt;                          
It's got crystals on it that hurt                           
My delicate hide.                                           
I'll cast it aside,                                         
And with all the Peeping Toms flirt.                        
                                                            
70583 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



A sassy young lassie named Karen,                           
Got it into her head to go marryin'.                        
They drove to the Rockies                                   
Wearing nothing but jockeys,                                
Which cause several stirs and some starin'.                 
                                                            
70584 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Derek                    



A young Arab girl and her Sheik                             
Were arrested when she shared a peek,                       
Of her face 'neath the veil;                                
But those action all pale                                   
To the time both decided to streak!                         
                                                            
70585 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Rob Ellis           T9712



They arrested a newly-wed bride.                            
She said, "I've got nothing to hide."                       
It was perfectly true.                                      
When they hauled her to view,                               
She was stripped of all except pride.                       
                                                            
70586 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Lance Payne         P8312



A young lady with dubious style,                            
Like to take off her clothes for a while.                   
She'd get down on her knees,                                
And mainly to please,                                       
She'd show off her vertical smile.                          
                                                            
70587 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Bertie                   



"Just look!  Ain't I cute?" giggled Pat,                    
"Why just like a cherub!"  She sat                          
On my old desk, bare-assed,                                 
While I felt harassed --                                    
"Even cherubs ain't that figgin' FAT!"                      
                                                            
70588 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         John Miller              



Go on; sink your teeth in that rump;                        
She'll love it and squeal and them jump,                    
Her cunt to reveal,                                         
Positioned ideal                                            
To get from your rod, a good hump.                          
                                                            
70589 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Tiddy Ogg                



A girlie with bountiful charms                              
Is causing the farmers alarms;                              
At night they hear neighing                                 
And snorting and braying,                                   
As Deborah wanders the farms.                               
                                                            
70590 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Peter Wilkins            



So what is she up to, the minx.                             
When naked, she quietly slinks                              
Through fields full of grasses                              
And horses and asses;                                       
Indulging in one of her kinks?                              
                                                            
70591 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF         Peter Wilkins            



I once knew an ex-nun named Pat,                            
Who lived with four dogs and a cat.                         
At noon she would swim                                      
And show off her quim,                                      
Wearing only her shoes and a hat.                           
                                                            
70592 WOMEN - NUDE - SHOWOFF                                  



On the topless town beach in St. Paul,                      
Swim suit BOTTOMS are so very small,                        
That when Mabel appeared                                    
Showing bare-ass and beard,                                 
There was no one who noticed at all.                        
                                                            
70593 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           Arnie Schoenbrun    P0401



Auntie Vi, seeing water, grew bold                          
And would herald the summers of old.                        
Plunging naked in rivers,                                   
Which gave her the shivers,                                 
But earned her the Sun centrefold.                          
                                                            
70594 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           Mary Wildridge      P9309



There was a young lady named Eva,                           
Who filled up her bath to receive 'er.                      
She took off her clothes                                    
From her head to her toes,                                  
And a voice from the keyhole yelled, "Beaver!"              
                                                            
70595 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER                                    



A forgetful young lady from Tottenham                       
Wore new clothes on a stroll and was hot in 'em.            
For swimming she took                                       
Them off by a brook,                                        
And when she came home, she'd forgotten 'em.                
                                                            
70596 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           A. N. Wilkins       P8312



I looked out my window today                                
Saw a bird in the bath, full of play.                       
She looked to be                                            
All of 5 feet 3,                                            
Nice hooters and hair color of hay.                         
                                                            
70597 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER                                    



While strolling along life's path,                          
I met a young woman named Kath.                             
My life she did change,                                     
Very much for the strange.                                  
But she certainly enhances a bath.                          
                                                            
70598 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           Joe Reichardt            



A flighty young lady from Loddon,                           
Fell into a pond and got sodden.                            
She took off her clothes,                                   
Then powdered her nose,                                     
And went home feeling thoroughly modern.                    
                                                            
70599 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           Ida Thurtle              



A modest young maiden of Glarms,                            
Whilst bathing was bothered by qualms                       
Lest curious shrimps                                        
Might catch a brief glimpse                                 
Of all her most intimate charms.                            
                                                            
70600 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           Harold C. Bibby          



At the seaside to see what we saw,                          
Our eyes left their sockets, I'm sure.                      
Swimmers congregate                                         
In a rather rude state,                                     
Which is known, I believe, as the raw!                      
                                                            
70601 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           Arthur Pattaffy          



There was a young lady from Bude,                           
Who went for a swim in the nude,                            
When a man in a punt,                                       
Shoved his pole up her cunt,                                
And said "You can't do that here, it's rude".               
                                                            
70602 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER                                    



A girl entered the water in bits.                           
'Twas cold as she shivvered in fits.                        
All her clothing was strewed                                
Which left her quite nude,                                  
While the tide lapped up 'round her tits.                   
                                                            
70603 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           Sandman                  



There once was a man from Bluewater                         
Who had a sensational daughter.                             
She could swim in the sea,                                  
Scorning tales of UV,                                       
Wearing only the sun screen he bought her.                  
                                                            
70604 WOMEN - NUDE - WATER           P. Culliton         P9309



Just look at this mess, it's obscene.                       
I bathe here without any screen.                            
Folk peek through the walls                                 
From out in the halls;                                      
My neighbors laugh and they're mean.                        
                                                            
70605 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



Now why should your neighbors all laugh,                    
When watching you having a bath?                            
The men all must drool                                      
And play with their tools,                                  
And wish they could give you a calf.                        
                                                            
70606 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



I'm copping a peep through the wall                         
And boy, am I having a ball.                                
I hope against hope                                         
That you'll drop the soap,                                  
Then on hands and knees you will crawl.                     
                                                            
70607 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



A NEWS FLASH.  Bikini Atoll;                                
They don't wear bikinis at all.                             
The women folk there                                        
Just walk around bare,                                      
If they're under eighteen or small.                         
                                                            
70608 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Irving Superior     P9411



If they're under eighteen or small,                         
And parts of their bodies don't fall,                       
They walk around bare.                                      
For cheap tourist fare,                                     
The IRV Travel Agency call.                                 
                                                            
70609 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Irving Superior     P9411



I once knew a girl named Tjarda                             
Who liked to run nude in the tarda.                         
But along came a cop,                                       
And said she'd have to stop,                                
'Cause every dick on the street was all harda.              
                                                            
70610 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Mike Hunter              



Tjarda said to the cop, "I won't quit!                      
Look around, can't you see I'm a hit?                       
I'll keep on with my preening                               
Till the boys are careening                                 
And zippers on pants are all split.                         
                                                            
70611 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Mike Hunter              



It really is too hot to sleep;                              
So mis'rable I could just weep.                             
Took off all my clothes;                                    
Am nude in repose;                                          
Wipe that leer off your face, you old creep!                
                                                            
70612 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Marlene Lewis            



All non-creeps continue to leer;                            
So get your firm butts over here.                           
With no sleep in view,                                      
Have a tumble or two,                                       
And relax afterwards with a beer.                           
                                                            
70613 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Marlene Lewis            



That's not as clear as could be.                            
I meant have a tumble with me.                              
Tumbling with others,                                       
You'd be gay lovers,                                        
And of no use to me, you see.                               
                                                            
70614 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Marlene Lewis            



When leaves turn to gold on the maples,                     
I think of young Sophie from Naples;                        
Her poses were bold                                         
In spreads centerfold;                                      
She turned me on wearing just staples!                      
                                                            
70615 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



But reading those mags can be tricky;                       
The spreads can be awfully licky.                           
Your glands they enrage;                                    
You can't turn the page                                     
And not leave it terribly sticky.                           
                                                            
70616 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



Our Katy's brains all were a-scatter;                       
Around the streets, naked, she'd patter.                    
The fellows all stare,                                      
She just doesn't care...                                    
Of course, she's as mad as a hatter.                        
                                                            
70617 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



Godiva-like, minus the horse,                               
She never was taken by force.                               
She grabs any man,                                          
As oft as she can...                                        
She's had as a matter of course.                            
                                                            
70618 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



Once ladies New Caledonian                                  
Liked dancing and riding a pony on                          
The white beach in the nude;                                
Missionaries screamed "lewd".                               
Muumuu's were their penance DRACONIAN.                      
                                                            
70619 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         J'Carlin                 



"See here, we can't have a loose breast,                    
Like Lady Godiva's, at best.                                
So get off the horse                                        
And dress in cloth coarse.                                  
In our Christian ways, you'll be blessed!"                  
                                                            
70620 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         J'Carlin                 



The covering care, though discounted,                       
Free-flowing sex thoughts unfounded,                        
With Muumuus just so                                        
And no horse below,                                         
The ladies were frequently mounted.                         
                                                            
70621 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Chris Papa               



When we saw that we might be replaced,                      
We had no time to waste being chaste.                       
We all shed our blouses                                     
By our bosses' warehouses                                   
And picketed stripped to the waist.                         
                                                            
70622 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Laurence Perrine    P8610



When debating with management whether...                    
We abandoned our clothes altogether.                        
To get our views viewed                                     
We marched in the nude --                                   
Excepting in inclement weather!                             
                                                            
70623 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Laurence Perrine    P8610



It is really to hot to wear clothes,                        
But for modesty's sake, I suppose                           
We have to wear something.                                  
Can only wear nothing                                       
If in life drawing class we do pose.                        
                                                            
70624 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Marlene                  



I wear pink pj's when it's hot;                             
I wear wooly ones when it's not.                            
Sometimes in springtime,                                    
Sometimes if falltime,                                      
I wear nothing without getting caught.                      
                                                            
70625 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Marlene                  



I admit I sleep in the nude,                                
Though to someone it might seem quite crude.                
And I require                                               
In case of a fire,                                          
That people not look, 'cause it's rude!                     
                                                            
70626 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Marlene                  



I have a young neighbor so rude;                            
Her conduct is perfectly lewd.                              
It seems that she                                           
Thinks it to be                                             
All right to sunbathe in the nude.                          
                                                            
70627 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Puff Adder               



Now I do not mean to defame,                                
But life is not just a game.                                
I'm so perplexed                                            
On what to do next;                                         
The woman just has no shame.                                
                                                            
70628 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Puff Adder               



My friends say that I shouldn't fret;                       
They don't understand my upset.                             
I won't hear that song;                                     
I think they are wrong.                                     
Community standards must be met.                            
                                                            
70629 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Puff Adder               



They say, there's a ten foot wall                           
Separating our yards after all.                             
I feel she's to blame                                       
For injuries I sustain;                                     
Ten feet is a long way to fall.                             
                                                            
70630 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Puff Adder               



We're all very sorry, Puff Adder,                           
What you could not find a tall ladder.                      
When you gawk over a wall,                                  
Then you're bound to fall.                                  
If you're injured, we couldn't be sadder.                   
                                                            
70631 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Marilyn                  



Now I am in the back yard,                                  
Getting a tan for my bard,                                  
On all of those spots                                       
Usually covered with lots                                   
Of clothes, to prevent all regard.                          
                                                            
70632 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Ericka                   



I've sunblocked my arms, legs and tum;                      
I'm tanning my lily-white bum.                              
Will you go through the motions                             
With my suntanning lotion?                                  
You're blocking the sun, sugar-plum.                        
                                                            
70633 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Ericka                   



I don't think I need lotion there!                          
Look out, you will break my lawn chair!                     
We're rolling and gasping --                                
I'm giggling, you're grasping --                            
Do I want you to stop?  Don't you dare!                     
                                                            
70634 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES         Ericka                   



My neighbor's young daughter next door,                     
Flaunts her body. I try to ignore                           
Her when naked she lies                                     
On her lawn; but her thighs                                 
And her nipples I long to explore.                          
                                                            
70635 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



But dammit, she's only fifteen;                             
It's outrageous, you know what I mean;                      
But she fingers her twat                                    
And it's making me hot,                                     
As I hide in these bushes unseen.                           
                                                            
70636 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



No sister, alas, have I got,                                
But there's Katie; you'd like her a lot.                    
She's my neighbour's young daughter,                        
Who loves to disport 'er                                    
Young body whenever it's hot.                               
                                                            
70637 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



Remember her sunbathing nude                                
In positions both sinful and lewd?                          
Well she's jail-bait no longer;                             
You're welcome to prong 'er;                                
She needs to be thoroughly screwed.                         
                                                            
70638 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



I would if I could but I can't.                             
(I'll rephrase that; I could but I shan't.)                 
So she's yours for the taking                               
And hoeing and raking;                                      
I'm currently screwing her aunt.                            
                                                            
70639 WOMEN - NUDE - ZSERIES                                  



If limericks made any sense                                 
Then roots would not grow through the fence,                
And there would be ponds                                    
Of smart nympho blondes,                                    
Who'd boff in the 'plu-perfect' tense.                      
                                                            
70640 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



With Jayne you'd just love to screw,                        
But I say "Hey!  Join the queue!                            
Just wait your turn;                                        
When will you learn                                         
There are others ahead of you."                             
                                                            
70641 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Funny Bone               



A promiscuous Blonde, oh so dumb,                           
(Though on dates, incredibly fun),                          
On every weekend,                                           
She picks up eight men,                                     
She blows two and screws all but one.                       
                                                            
70642 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



A hot-blooded woman named Eve                               
Knew lust like you wouldn't believe;                        
Thoughts nymphomaniacal,                                    
Yea, paradisiacal,                                          
Damned near made the poor wench conceive.                   
                                                            
70643 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       302



I'm creeping away with great stealth;                       
I'm flagging now after the twelfth                          
Mad sexual poking;                                          
My member is smoking,                                       
And nymphos are bad for your health.                        
                                                            
70644 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



You should stop your member from smoking.                   
This after-sex puffing and toking                           
Gives you a disease.                                        
Then one day you sneeze --                                  
Your member falls off.  I'm not joking!                     
                                                            
70645 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



There once were some twins from Reading,                    
Who shared a strange fetish for bedding.                    
The stories we've heard                                     
Are just so absurd,                                         
That I dread to think where they are heading.               
                                                            
70646 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Sarah Lowe               



There was a fat broad named Charlotte,                      
(If truth must be told, just a harlot);                     
Her much-vaunted nudity                                     
She flaunted with crudity,                                  
And slept with young men by the car lot.                    
                                                            
70647 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer        93



A passionate lady named Popper,                             
In heat goes completely improper.                           
She gets hotter and hotter                                  
Till brawny men totter;                                     
The job's not to start but to stop her.                     
                                                            
70648 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                   G0619a



There was a young widow named Sturges                       
Who's given to sociable splurges.                           
Her warm hospitality                                        
Is mainly carnality                                         
(Read "nymphomaniacal urges").                              
                                                            
70649 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       205



From out of the closet came Flo.                            
"I'm a nympho, I want you to know.                          
No matter what caused it,                                   
From out of the closet                                      
And onto a mattress I go."                                  
                                                            
70650 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Irving Superior     P9603



Nell's nympho-maniacal ways                                 
Ensures she will have many lays;                            
Dicks slip in and out                                       
And wallow about;                                           
Nell's mad 'cause none of them stays!                       
                                                            
70651 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Travis Brasell           



Said the young would-be nympho, "I still                    
May attain the quite ultimate thrill.                       
I've come on to Barry,                                      
And Tom, Dick, and Harry,                                   
But anticipate coming at will."                             
                                                            
70652 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9603



Hand me that bottle of booze.                               
Got the post-holiday blues.                                 
And like it or not,                                         
This glum feeling I've got                                  
Will take at least three months to lose.                    
                                                            
70653 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Florida Man              



A lady with hot pants in Oregon                             
Was screwed by a fellow named Corrigan.                     
She had four on the floor,                                  
But she wanted some more,                                   
So he fucked her four more on the floor again.              
                                                            
70654 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Albin Chaplin   3024-0285



That nympho, the Duchess of Brent,                          
Caused scandal wherever she went;                           
Far and wide the town's gentry                              
Praised her angle of entry,                                 
Though badly from pleasuring bent.                          
                                                            
70655 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       682



I know for a fact, Trixie Freeman                           
Consorted with fifty-three seamen.                          
She traversed the world,                                    
And her mound was spitcurled,                               
And in bottles she kept all their semen.                    
                                                            
70656 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Al Willis           P9702



There once were a couple of rockers                         
Who went out with a bird with big knockers.                 
She's fond of balling.                                      
A groupie, by calling,                                      
She used to be one of Joe Cocker's.                         
                                                            
70657 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



A nymphomaniacal WAC                                        
Had a certain amorous knack:                                
Her erotic resources                                        
So pleased the Armed Forces,                                
That she fought the whole war on her back.                  
                                                            
70658 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                    G2545



A sizzling nympho named Whitely,                            
Demanded a workover nightly.                                
You'd fuck her for hours                                    
With all of your powers,                                    
Then creep home all limp and unsightly.                     
                                                            
70659 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                    G0815



Did she give all her boyfriends a screw?                    
Does she count those whom she merely blew?                  
While performing her sins,                                  
Did she tally foreskins,                                    
To distinguish the Gentile from Jew?                        
                                                            
70660 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Jim Weaver Collection    



On a cruise ship in port at Stamboul,                       
The nympho enjoying Joe's tool                              
Said, "There can't be a sight                               
That can match my delight...                                
It's the best that I've had since high school!"             
                                                            
70661 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Grand Prix Lim  541      



Said this woman, a nympho named Hearst,                     
To her lover, not properly versed:                          
"Try to be more assertive                                   
And don't act so damned furtive,                            
Or my husband will suspect the worst."                      
                                                            
70662 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       534



Young Tracy was stopped at the border,                      
Which was bad for her panic disorder.                       
When they had her strip down,                               
She lost her tense frown,                                   
And screwed all the guards in close order.                  
                                                            
70663 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Tutta                    



Ensign Smith, she of pure innocence,                        
Was assigned to the frigate Hortense;                       
There were three hundred men--                              
Soon she knew most of them--                                
Knew them well, in the Biblical sense.                      
                                                            
70664 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                William N. Newbit   P9603



There was a WAC nympho named Graff.                         
She never did things by half.                               
She seduced the padre,                                      
Laid up with the cadre,                                     
And finished off the general staff.                         
                                                            
70665 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Ed Wolfert          P8406



Said both Gus and Ted, "We abstain                          
From women considered mundane!"                             
"Except for Miss Gedd,"                                     
Tom disgustedly said,                                       
"Who's been boarded more times than a train!"               
                                                            
70666 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



There was a young woman named Karen                         
Whose mood was entirely unsparin'.                          
Though her lover, young Percy,                              
Kept pleading for mercy,                                    
She'd insist on continuous pairin'.                         
                                                            
70667 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Isaac Asimov             



There once was an old gal from Butte                        
Who screwed any man with a root.                            
She said when they groaned                                  
And mumbled and moaned,                                     
"I just wish that they were born mute!"                     
                                                            
70668 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



That vain nymphomaniac Dinah                                
Brags, "Men crave my bod -- nothing finer.                  
Their lust for my bust                                      
Is perfectly just,                                          
And everyone loves my vagina."                              
                                                            
70669 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       792



My nubile young neighbor, Suzanne,                          
Says any and all the boys can                               
Get into her pants,                                         
Horizontally dance;                                         
Something that Boston will ban.                             
                                                            
70670 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



I think that I met neighbor Suz,                            
A gal with a very loose cooz,                               
But it wasn't Boston,                                       
I think it was Austin...                                    
I fell in it up to my shoes.                                
                                                            
70671 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



The Countess Raczynski-Sobor                                
After sex would start asking for more.                      
But the men in her life                                     
Weren't up to the strife,                                   
And most were found dead on the floor.                      
                                                            
70672 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Lims For Erudite    P0309



A rollicking fellow named Rex,                              
Was under a fortunate hex.                                  
It seems he had such                                        
An unusual touch,                                           
It turned everything into sex.                              
                                                            
70673 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Isaac Asimov             



Nymphomaniacal Flo                                          
Has never learned how to say, "No!"                         
Though this leads to pleasure,                              
And a soupcon of treasure,                                  
It also brings moments of woe.                              
                                                            
70674 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Harald S. Green     P9601



I have heard that some males are harassed                   
By nymphos, and ain't that a blast!                         
If they need volunteers,                                    
I'll humor the dears.                                       
My prayers have been answered at last!                      
                                                            
70675 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Al Willis           P9603



My sister is a sex crazed whore;                            
She has blokes lined up at her door.                        
With a half hour of pumping,                                
Grinding, and jumping;                                      
She is calling out for one more.                            
                                                            
70676 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Funny Bone               



A nympho young lady of Eire                                 
Was lustful and full of desire.                             
To her husband she said,                                    
"Would you please turn your head,                           
While the neighbor helps put out the fire."                 
                                                            
70677 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Albin Chaplin   3024-0127



A pussy-starved nympho from Metz                            
Delights in the sex that she gets;                          
Her spacious capacity,                                      
Quite close to voracity,                                    
Makes markets for new bassinets.                            
                                                            
70678 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       207



The task of achieving longevity                             
Is certainly no subject for levity.                         
For though a good life,                                     
A nymphomaniac wife                                         
Will change your longevity to brevity.                      
                                                            
70679 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Beryl's face appears careworn and ashen,                    
And it's all due to sexual passion.                         
Though it's turning her grey,                               
She makes love night and day,                               
As though it might go out of fashion.                       
                                                            
70680 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Linda Marsh Coll         



A horny young nympho named Kight                            
Believes endless sex a delight,                             
Which is why her poor spouse                                
Said, "Don't take off your blouse;                          
I've such a bad headache tonight."                          
                                                            
70681 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       892



I once knew a girl called Grundoon,                         
Who made love through the night until noon.                 
Then the Army she tried,                                    
And she there satisfied                                     
Every officer, cook, and dragoon.                           
                                                            
70682 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Monique de Plume         



Said a nympho, "All men are my brothers;                    
But I gladly would smother their mothers!                   
Make it crystal clear, please,                              
Though I loathe some disease,                               
I take a great pleasure in others.                          
                                                            
70683 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Laurence Perrine    P8512



A nympho was looking quite vexed                            
Over matters that had her perplexed.                        
Armed with dildos, vibrators,                               
And inflatable gyrators,                                    
She screamed out "God!, I'm over-sexed!".                   
                                                            
70684 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



We feel sorry as hell for this guy,                         
For he gave it the Old College Try.                         
Still, a nympho from Livermore                              
Kicks because he won't givermore,                           
And that when his pecker's wrung dry.                       
                                                            
70685 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Grand Prix Lim  268 G0607



Perchance I went visiting Molly's                           
And found her engrossed in her jollies,                     
With various veg,                                           
And old neighbor call Reg,                                  
And a couple of randy young collies.                        
                                                            
70686 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Peter Wilkins            



My second worse pun on Dumb Doras --                        
They're nymphos who simply adore ass.                       
No fee, cockaholics,                                        
They start in their frolics                                 
The minute you open the door -- ass.                        
                                                            
70687 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Irving Superior     P9003



There was a young nympho from Spain                         
Went horse riding on bumpy terrain.                         
The saddlehorn hit her                                      
Right where the Lord split her;                             
She goes back again and again.                              
                                                            
70688 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                John Gearhart            



A dissolute satyr named Fred                                
Fell hard for some nympho (unwed);                          
Well, what he got into                                      
Is closely akin to                                          
Two lions in heat on a bed.                                 
                                                            
70689 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       500



A nympho in need from Torbay                                
Is after a meaningful lay.                                  
But can she be sure,                                        
It's good, clean, and pure,                                 
While bidding for it on eBay?                               
                                                            
70690 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                The Sailor          P0308



Sweet nymphomanic Miss Stainer                              
Finds most male sex organs now pain her.                    
"I guess that I've blundered,                               
She said, "Seven hundred                                    
Are too much for one little container."                     
                                                            
70691 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                    G0771



There was a nympho gal named Bette                          
Who went for a ride in a jet.                               
And after a while                                           
She had sex in the aisle,                                   
With all of the men she could get.                          
                                                            
70692 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Tom Patton          P9603



All night this man tried to survive                         
A nympho he picked up in a dive.                            
But by a quarter to two,                                    
He was screwed and tatooed,                                 
By a bitch equipped with overdrive.                         
                                                            
70693 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Laurence Craft           



A nympho from Bangor in Maine,                              
Who runs more to cunt than to brain,                        
Performs odd sex functions                                  
Without qualms or compunctions--                            
But then, who am I to complain?                             
                                                            
70694 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Grand Prix Lim  449 G0655



A hot-blooded actress named Fawn,                           
Craved love-making from dusk until dawn.                    
She let no one slip past,                                   
Taking on the whole cast,                                   
Urging each that the show must go on.                       
                                                            
70695 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A seething young nympho from Kent                           
Said "The gleam in your eye means intent                    
To get me in bed...                                         
Okay, Man, go ahead!                                        
I can't think of time better spent!"                        
                                                            
70696 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Grand Prix Lim  378      



A right nymphomaniac vixen                                  
Is neighborhood harlot Miss Nixon,                          
Parading each day                                           
With her cunt on display,                                   
Yelling, "Come all you men, stuff your dicks in!"           
                                                            
70697 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Peter Wilkins            



Bertha, a nymph from Nantucket,                             
Would make love to a man, then she'd suck it.               
She liked lollypops red.                                    
Then she'd hop out of bed,                                  
Lick down to the stick and then chuck it.                   
                                                            
70698 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Barbara Cunningham  P9603



Said a nympho named Gloria Bender,                          
"You can have it for free, I'm no vendor.                   
Just take me forthwith;                                     
It's really no myth;                                        
I am always that close to surrender.                        
                                                            
70699 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       380



A young girl once said on a Monday,                         
"I'd like to have one day, a fun day.                       
With my ass in the air,                                     
And ten cocks crammed in there,                             
To be force-fed that hot shit -- come sundae."              
                                                            
70700 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Jim Weaver Collection    



Miss Nympho was in such a heat                              
That ten times my quota of meat                             
Couldn't hope to appease her.                               
Though I did fail to please her,                            
The ten bangs I got were a treat.                           
                                                            
70701 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                    G0610



My dearest old friend Fanny Chang,                          
Had a burning desire for hard wang.                         
Although quite petite,                                      
Her pussy was sweet;                                        
At her place she'd take on the whole gang!                  
                                                            
70702 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Cool Breeze              



A teenager nympho named Tillie                              
Cavorted and lusted with Willie.                            
Her fame was world-wide,                                    
But the girl was tongue-tied.                               
She just "wented a willa" in Chile.                         
                                                            
70703 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Al Willis           P9702



When the Art Ball was over, Miss Kahn,                      
(Who's a nympho) was silted and wan.                        
She attended, you see,                                      
As a walking TV,                                            
And the guys all kept turning her on.                       
                                                            
70704 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                         



There was a young Nympho from Troy,                         
Whom several large guys did annoy;                          
One died in a hump,                                         
One wore down to a stump,                                   
The last one she took home as a toy.                        
                                                            
70705 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Edwardian Leer 075       



A horny young lady named Lear                               
would screw without let, without fear,                      
From morn until night,                                      
Cold sober or tight,                                        
Up front, sometimes even up rear!                           
                                                            
70706 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Armand E Singer       582



A sprightly young woman of Hellas                           
Made all of the other girls jealous.                        
In a pastoral region                                        
She screwed half a legion,                                  
And asked, "Where's the rest of the fellas?"                
                                                            
70707 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                                    G0612



A castaway nympho named Penny,                              
Went six months without getting any.                        
The attempted rescue,                                       
Wiped out crew after crew.                                  
No one can recall just how many.                            
                                                            
70708 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Pierce Evans             



There's a very prim girl named McDrood,                     
What a combo - both nympho and prude!                       
She wears her dark glasses                                  
When fellows make passes,                                   
And keeps her eyes shut when she's screwed.                 
                                                            
70709 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Grand Prix Lim  499 G2411



This nympho just smiled and felt gladder,                   
When the boys did their best to unclad her.                 
Now she loved to revel                                      
And act like the devil,                                     
And, what is more, she was badder.                          
                                                            
70710 WOMEN - NYMPHOS                Al Willis                



There was a young girl of Lachine  (Eugene)                 
Whose response was excessively mean.                        
Though she was, they all said,                              
Rather stingy in bed,                                       
She at least was dependably clean.                          
                                                            
70711 WOMEN - SEXY                   Keith MacMillan       52b



Regarding a resemblence to Trout,                           
I think I can say, without doubt,                           
That were we to meet,                                       
On a mutual street,                                         
That you might want to take me out!                         
                                                            
70712 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



So your lover was surely not dead,                          
And you've proved there's no need for a bed.                
I bet she's a pearl,                                        
That sweet little girl;                                     
I'm sure she's gone straight to your head.                  
                                                            
70713 WOMEN - SEXY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Some say that I come off as haughty,                        
But I place the blame with this body.                       
Shape and sized perfect ten;                                
I am Gods gift to men.                                      
And best when I'm bad being naughty.                        
                                                            
70714 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



Apart from the come-to-bed eyes,                            
The buttocks, the snatch and the thighs,                    
The knockers and nips                                       
And the ruby-red lips,                                      
Of what else should a lady comprise?                        
                                                            
70715 WOMEN - SEXY                   Peter Wilkins            



Flawless skin and long golden curled hair,                  
That flows down her shoulder to there.                      
Yes, your dream can come true;                              
It's all up to you,                                         
Just blow 'til you fill her with air.                       
                                                            
70716 WOMEN - SEXY                   Carol                    



I've never as het, had a grind                              
With a blow-up type doll of that kind;                      
For there's naught to compare,                              
Dear, with your golden hair                                 
And your cute and curvaceous behind.                        
                                                            
70717 WOMEN - SEXY                   Peter Wilkins            



Before recreational sex,                                    
I run a few casual checks:                                  
Is she healthy and fit?                                     
Has she more than one tit?                                  
Both her gluteus maxies convex?                             
                                                            
70718 WOMEN - SEXY                   Norm Storer              



Our Maggie had all those to spare;                          
She even had well coiffured hair.                           
But those cabinets                                          
Were so full of wets,                                       
She didn't get wood, but veneer.                            
                                                            
70719 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



Maggie's the one I adore;                                   
She's funny and never a bore.                               
She drives me quite mad --                                  
I'm dripping real bad --                                    
But she is the cause and the cure.                          
                                                            
70720 WOMEN - SEXY                   Arden                    



A wide-angled lens can't disguise                           
That Christine is lovely and wise.                          
They gave her a shot,                                       
She showed what she's got,                                  
And gave the hemp market a rise!                            
                                                            
70721 WOMEN - SEXY                   H Whelchel               



I'm enjoying the glorious breeze                            
With the waves just tickling my knees.                      
I'm feeling so frisky,                                      
If it wern't so risky,                                      
I'd like you to come for a squeeze.                         
                                                            
70722 WOMEN - SEXY                                       P9005



Beth is really a beaut!                                     
I think she is cuddly and cute.                             
At five foot three                                          
She's the one for me,                                       
As for others I don't give a hoot!                          
                                                            
70723 WOMEN - SEXY                   Funny Bone               



An erotic young doll at Penn State                          
Used to hand it around on a plate,                          
And she murmured in haste,                                  
Though she like to be chaste,                               
To escape was a death worse than fate.                      
                                                            
70724 WOMEN - SEXY                   Hugh Oliver         A132A



Some folks said she's easy with beaver;                     
My gal wuz a doggon deceiver.                               
Mom 'n them's scared                                        
Cuz my gal's dissapared;                                    
I reckon I ain't seen 'er neither.                          
                                                            
70725 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



There was a sweet girl named Louise                         
Who asked a kind man for a squeeze.                         
He proved such a rat                                        
That he gave more than that,                                
So she asked for an instant reprise.                        
                                                            
70726 WOMEN - SEXY                   Isaac Asimov             



There's a certain young woman named Janet,                  
Who's the sexiest dish on the planet.                       
From her toe to her palm,                                   
She's a nuclear bomb,                                       
And no one, thank God, wants to ban it.                     
                                                            
70727 WOMEN - SEXY                   Isaac Asimov             



To Jill said the sneering Bud Crockett,                     
"You're sexed like an oversized pocket."                    
She snapped, "Listen Bud,                                   
I can wilt any stud...                                      
So since you ain't tried it, don't knock it!"               
                                                            
70728 WOMEN - SEXY                   Grand Prix Lim  713      



I remember a girl in Milwaukee,                             
Who would render me lustily cocky,                          
As she fondled and fiddled                                  
And dawdled and diddled                                     
And other erotic malarky.                                   
                                                            
70729 WOMEN - SEXY                   Keith MacMillan     A124B



There is a young girl down the street                       
Who stares at me square in the meat,                        
When out for a stroll.                                      
And last night she stole                                    
A feel, and my friends, it was sweet.                       
                                                            
70730 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



There was a young lady of Eccles                            
Whose belly was covered with freckles.                      
But the boys didn't mind,                                   
For she made a good grind,                                  
And she did it for love, not for shekels.                   
                                                            
70731 WOMEN - SEXY                                      G1742a



In Warsaw men line up and cheer                             
A Four with a sex-pack of beer.                             
A girl with three tits                                      
Who carries some Schlitz,                                   
Rates Ten with the thirsty men here.                        
                                                            
70732 WOMEN - SEXY                   Larry Davis         P8712



Now French girls don't need PhD's,                          
If they have pretty breasts and cute knees.                 
They don't know the word, "No,"                             
And they love a peep show.                                  
The thing I like best are their oui's!                      
                                                            
70733 WOMEN - SEXY                   Al Willis                



Girls have a magnetic attraction                            
To boys who are looking for action.                         
It just will not cease                                      
Until he gets his piece,                                    
And she gets all her satisfaction.                          
                                                            
70734 WOMEN - SEXY                   Tom Patton          P9708



While strolling along by the Thames,                        
I delight in the height of girl's hems.  (hhames)           
If they were much higher,                                   
I'm sure I'd catch fire --                                  
I do like a shapely fem's stems. (fhame's sthames)          
                                                            
70735 WOMEN - SEXY                   Norm Storer              



A girl from Carlisle named Lucy,                            
One day became all over goosy.                              
Although it seemed strange,                                 
She got used to the change,                                 
And by Christmas was really quite juicy.                    
                                                            
70736 WOMEN - SEXY                   Michael Palin            



She kept her libido concealed,                              
This passionate lady of Field,                              
As an idealist                                              
With a will to resist                                       
And another to gracefully yield.                            
                                                            
70737 WOMEN - SEXY                   Keith MacMillan       97b



There was a fair maiden I knew                              
Whose eyes were unusually blue,                             
And her naughty smile said                                  
She was much fun in bed.                                    
She had eager men up the Kazoo.                             
                                                            
70738 WOMEN - SEXY                   Jhlcat                   



A girl on a bus -- ah, romance!                             
The driver could see at a glance                            
That her outfit was breezy                                  
And she would be easy.                                      
Alas, he just missed his big chance.                        
                                                            
70739 WOMEN - SEXY                   Neal Wilgus         P8507



I hope that I cause no distress                             
When I say I'm a woman, no less.                            
I'd be telling you lies                                     
If I said I was nice;                                       
My hand can both hit and caress.                            
                                                            
70740 WOMEN - SEXY                   Anneli Blomqvist         



Never have I been a male,                                   
Attached to that thing that you trail.                      
For all that it's worth,                                    
The slit is from birth,                                     
The legendary holy grail.                                   
                                                            
70741 WOMEN - SEXY                   Anon                     



The teacher, commencing to teach,                           
Saw a beautiful girl within reach.                          
He began to despair --                                      
Something was in the air --                                 
And that's not just a figure of speech.                     
                                                            
70742 WOMEN - SEXY                   Keith Gilman        P0107



My girlfriend has hair mousy brown,                         
And her looks will not win her renown.                      
Though her assets lie hidden,                               
They're not quite forbidden,                                
And the joys there wipe out any frown.                      
                                                            
70743 WOMEN - SEXY                   John Miller 0123         



A young woman whose name is Lucille                         
Has extraordinary sexual appeal.                            
Men don't dare ask for much --                              
Here and there just a touch --                              
Or perhaps a more intimate feel.                            
                                                            
70744 WOMEN - SEXY                   Isaac Asimov             



There was a young lady named Mays,                          
The queen of the courts in those days.                      
She was screwed by the dukes,                               
The lords and the flukes,                                   
And she left all the knights in a daze.                     
                                                            
70745 WOMEN - SEXY                   Albin Chaplin   0324-0261



A delightful young maid of La Jolla                         
Lays around like the Maya de Goya,                          
Hardly conscious, it seems,                                 
Of the copious streams                                      
Of lascivious louts who enjolla.                            
                                                            
70746 WOMEN - SEXY                   Hugh Oliver         A020B



Don't tell me you don't take a peek                         
At the masculine manly physique,                            
And the sensuous bulge                                      
(When we dare to divulge),                                  
Else life is exceedingly bleak.                             
                                                            
70747 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



My friend Wilson intends to abscond                         
With some beautiful blue-eyed young blond                   
Who will gladly agree                                       
To any kink he                                              
Might desire as to sex -- and beyond!                       
                                                            
70748 WOMEN - SEXY                   Isaac Asimov             



The prettiest women are lasses                              
Who relish my profligate passes,                            
Have tits, large or small,                                  
Are short, or they're tall,                                 
With legs from the floor to their asses!                    
                                                            
70749 WOMEN - SEXY                   Travis Brasell           



There once was a lady named Charlotte,                      
Whom many mistook for a harlot.                             
Through her dress, you'll see tit,                          
And just a wee bit                                          
Of pudenda, which she's painted scarlet!                    
                                                            
70750 WOMEN - SEXY                   Sam Pittman              



If I had a sexual planet                                    
With only one beauty to man it;                             
The choice would be clear,                                  
Whose orbit I'd steer:                                      
A nova, a new star named Janet.                             
                                                            
70751 WOMEN - SEXY                   Travis                   



There once was a girl named Trish                           
Who was a very well endowed dish.                           
She liked to flirt                                          
And wear a short skirt.                                     
Will I get to bed her -- I wish!                            
                                                            
70752 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



Young Penny has come-to-bed eyes,                           
Sweet nipples that point to the skies,                      
A body curvaceous,                                          
A manner flirtatious,                                       
And fuck-me-to-heaven-ly thighs.                            
                                                            
70753 WOMEN - SEXY                   Peter Wilkins            



Think of the brain waves you'll get                         
From observing the maidens coquette,                        
With their perky young tits,                                
Not to mention their slits,                                 
Which are always so fragrant and wet.                       
                                                            
70754 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



The cooking and menus are Anna's;                           
Though Iberian, she won't wear bandanas.                    
She just loves talking                                      
'Bout hot Spanish porking,                                  
And the things that she does with bananas.                  
                                                            
70755 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



My sister's a modern young miss;                            
She's not averse to giving her kiss,                        
To a laddie she'll meet,                                    
In a park or a street;                                      
To her, doing that is sheer bliss.                          
                                                            
70756 WOMEN - SEXY                   Arthur Pattaffy          



A whorish horsewoman named Trott                            
Just loved to give samples of twat.                         
Every day without fail,                                     
There were males on her tail;                               
All the horsemen knew 'er as hot!                           
(only saddlemakers daughter but all the horse manure - McW) 
70757 WOMEN - SEXY                                       G0210



One day on the banks of the Liffey,                         
On Guinness I got rather squiffy;                           
But one look at Mary                                        
Who worked in the dairy,                                    
And lo!  Instantaneous stiffie!                             
                                                            
70758 WOMEN - SEXY                   Peter Wilkins            



Well, I checked out that beauty, Miss March.                
She makes all your throats feel real parched;               
With big dewey eyes                                         
That quite hypnotize,                                       
And in your pants, something well starched.                 
                                                            
70759 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



The youngest sister is Jayne,                               
She's often described as insane.                            
She's usually skint,                                        
But her heart's worth a mint,                               
And her life is more pleasure than pain.                    
                                                            
70760 WOMEN - SEXY                   Jayne                    



I sit here and wait for my kin                              
Near the store where they're shopping within.               
As I watch the girls pass,                                  
I see much tits and ass,                                    
And generous portions of skin.                              
                                                            
70761 WOMEN - SEXY                   Parker Waterman     P0203



There was a young maid of Cape Hatteras                     
Who said, "I don't know what the matteras--                 
Men all lose their nerve                                    
When they see how I curve,                                  
I wish that I had a much flatteras!"                        
                                                            
70762 WOMEN - SEXY                   E. Fox                   



Some Southampton lasses are phoney;                         
If you kiss them they'll want matrimony.                    
Nicer gals are near by,                                     
That you might like to try;                                 
They're referred to as "New Forest Pony"!                   
                                                            
70763 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



A meat slicer's great in the kitchen.                       
Whenever your meat starts to itchin'                        
There is nothing nicer                                      
Than a sexy meat slicer.                                    
Just tell her, "Scratch here and no bitchin'."              
                                                            
70764 WOMEN - SEXY                   Theo M. Heller      P9304



Men will find my name is not A. Hill;                       
I require a real male for a thrill;                         
I'm no iconoclast,                                          
But would not feel harrassed,                               
And effeminate men make me ill.                             
                                                            
70765 WOMEN - SEXY                   Ann Gasser          P9111



Many men do not make wild passes                            
At girls who keep wearing their glasses.                    
The result's contact lenses,                                
From the hills to the glenses,                              
Being worn by millions of lasses!                           
                                                            
70766 WOMEN - SEXY                   Arthur Pattaffy          



Understanding, her father was not,                          
When I told him his daughter was hot.                       
He forbade me to see her,                                   
So I just have to steal her;                                
Oh Lord!  I Pray I'm not caught!                            
                                                            
70767 WOMEN - SEXY                   M. D. McFarland          



There was a young tease from Mount Chesser,                 
Who'd smile at the men who'd assess her.                    
So flirtatious was she,                                     
When she had them for tea,                                  
Then allowing not one to undress her.                       
                                                            
70768 WOMEN - SEXY                   Scott Hendricks          



There once was a girl named Clarisse                        
Of whom every guy wanted a piece.                           
Big tits and nice ass,                                      
Oozed nothing but class,                                    
Unlike her nymphomaniac niece!                              
                                                            
70769 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



There was a young lady, Irene,                              
Whose smile was the biggest I've seen.                      
The sight of her back                                       
Left nothing to lack,                                       
Though the front was slightly obscene.                      
                                                            
70770 WOMEN - SEXY                   Archie                   



A lovely mature girl named Lisa,                            
Enjoyed good delivery pizza.                                
When he knocked on her door,                                
A guy could be sure,                                        
He'd be met by an older cock-teaser.                        
                                                            
70771 WOMEN - SEXY                   Richard Long             



There was a young lady named Lynn,                          
Who had a surprising big grin.                              
But the biggest surprise,                                   
Was the look in her eyes,                                   
Which promised original sin.                                
                                                            
70772 WOMEN - SEXY                   Archie                   



A lady named Heaven was bent                                
On pleasing 'most each handsome gent.                       
Men who tried her bed                                       
And slid inside said,                                       
That coming was truly Heaven sent.                          
                                                            
70773 WOMEN - SEXY                   Ken McNairn              



Girls who have no practicality                              
And even no sense of reality                                
Can still survive                                           
And even thrive                                             
By practicing their sensuality.                             
                                                            
70774 WOMEN - SEXY                   Evelyn L                 



There was a young girl of Biloxi                            
Who protested, "I'm nobody's doxy,                          
Though a party that swings                                  
Will provoke me to things                                   
I would never let Benjamin Spock see."                      
                                                            
70775 WOMEN - SEXY                   Keith MacMillan     A069A



There was a young woman from Great Britain,                 
With whom I was really quite smitten.                       
She was sugar and spice,                                    
And everything nice,                                        
And when I stroked her, she purred like a kitten.           
                                                            
70776 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



An ESP expert named Vance,                                  
Was walking the street, and by chance,                      
When he read a girl's mind;                                 
Was disgusted to find                                       
That she'd like to get into his pants.                      
                                                            
70777 WOMEN - SEXY                   Albin Chaplin   3024-2354



Ireland is the home of Colleen;                             
Red haired, with eyes that are green.                       
With nice round firm tits                                   
And moist little bits,                                      
And flys will explode when she's seen.                      
                                                            
70778 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



From Red Hook, the sexy Miss Booker                         
Wondered why on the bus folks forsooker.                    
When asked, "Where you from?"                               
She startled them some                                      
By replying, "Oh, I'm a Red Hooker."                        
                                                            
70779 WOMEN - SEXY                   Grand Prix Lim  225      



'Tis not Mary you talk of, pray tell;                       
I'd damned that young (l)ass off to hell.                   
Last time she was 'round                                    
My dick fell to the ground.                                 
I don't know what my gal to tell.                           
                                                            
70780 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



A woman named Alma, it's said,                              
Took many great artists to bed.                             
Gustave, Walter and Franz,                                  
(Maybe serveral named Hans),                                
But 'twas only the first three she wed.                     
(Alma who - McW)(could be Mahler's wife?)                   
70781 WOMEN - SEXY                   Barry                    



There was a young lass at the lakeside,                     
Whose diminuitive waist was her great pride.                
She'd sashay the shoreline,                                 
Producing a low whine                                       
From young bucks, all fixedly wide-eyed.                    
                                                            
70782 WOMEN - SEXY                   Bill Doern               



A shady young lady named Kay,                               
When asked by a Georgian at play,                           
Why her nickname was Dip,                                   
Would reply with a quip:                                    
"Since I spread for you crackers", she'd say.               
                                                            
70783 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



As I sit in the airplane's tight seat                       
What view will my wandering eyes meet?                      
A stewardess pert                                           
In a tight miniskirt,                                       
And when she bends down -- What a treat!                    
                                                            
70784 WOMEN - SEXY                   Arnie Schoenbrun    P0203



I know what I want for my present!                          
A woman so foxy and pleasant:                               
A lovely young thing                                        
Who looks like a queen,                                     
But sucks and fucks like a peasant.                         
                                                            
70785 WOMEN - SEXY                   Mike M.             T9712



So she toned down her boisterous bluster;                   
And spoke softly, and called herself Buster.                
A boys name, she figured,                                   
Would make her seem bigger,                                 
And give her testosterone luster.                           
                                                            
70786 WOMEN - SEXY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Aw shucks, honey, you're Aphrodite,                         
'Cause under your long flannel nighty                       
You've got the right stuff,                                 
Like titties and muff,                                      
Which swells up my pride, gosh a'mighty!                    
                                                            
70787 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



Possessed by a chick name of Rose,                          
Great these and tight holes into those;                     
I confess being stirred                                     
By the these of this bird --                                
The holes? In her ears and her nose.                        
                                                            
70788 WOMEN - SEXY                   Armand Singer       P0101



There once was a sweet signorina,                           
Who made one quite glad to have seen 'er.                   
To get in, however you                                      
Had better endeavor to                                      
Wait in line with a legal subpoena.                         
                                                            
70789 WOMEN - SEXY                   Isaac Asimov             



I was ogling this gal by the pool;                          
I guess I was starting to drool.                            
When she spied me, said "Man,                               
Your tongue's getting a tan;                                
You'd better get in where it's cool."                       
                                                            
70790 WOMEN - SEXY                   John Miller              



There is a strange lady named Wendy,                        
Whose outlook is amazingly trendy.                          
She searched for a toy,                                     
To give her new joy,                                        
But it turned out to be way too bendy.                      
                                                            
70791 WOMEN - SEXY                   Joe Reichardt            



I've found if you act pornographic,                         
You'll discover men aren't seraphic.                        
If you play it like bitchy,                                 
Their pants become itchy,                                   
And your prat's pounded flat by the traffic.                
                                                            
70792 WOMEN - SEXY                                       G0163



Young Wendy from Highclere I'd cosset,                      
Esconced in that warm walk-in closet.                       
Her dad ran a bank                                          
But she I must thank                                        
For tucking away my deposit.                                
                                                            
70793 WOMEN - SEXY                   tIDDY                    



A couple hot honeys from Texas                              
Said "Your attitude it does perplex us.                     
We don't want a gentleman,                                  
Just a top, bottom or middle man,                           
And who cares who thinks that it is sexist!"                
                                                            
70794 WOMEN - SEXY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Violence is one ugly virtue                                 
With the ultra potential to hurt you.                       
But I'm telling you this:                                   
I'm one smart young miss                                    
With the ultimate strength to invert you.                   
                                                            
70795 WOMEN - SEXY                   Nawahl Razak             



One other thing is for damn sure;                           
A kiss for a war's not a cure.                              
The making of love                                          
Was sent from above                                         
But with AIDS around, best to stay pure.                    
                                                            
70796 WOMEN - SEXY                   Nawahl Razak             



You sure are a violent young miss.                          
My own happy credo is this:                                 
It may be a bore,                                           
But make love, not war,                                     
And solve all your woes with a kiss.                        
                                                            
70797 WOMEN - SEXY                   Tiddy Ogg                



So she decided to bleach her hair blonder                   
And the guys appeared to get fonder.                        
She found they would listen;                                
Their interests were risen.                                 
But their eyes, my!...how they would wander!                
                                                            
70798 WOMEN - SEXY                   Jim Weaver Collection    



Your eyes, to my throat bring a lump;                       
Your lips cause my heart beat to jump.                      
Plus your skin, oh so fair,                                 
And your soft silky hair                                    
Make me wish that like bunnies, we'd hump.                  
                                                            
70799 WOMEN - SEXY                                            



Our favorite lay-date, Miss Visser,                         
We could poke her and stroke her and kiss her,              
And fuck her at will --                                     
We'd be doing it still,                                     
But she up and left town.  God!  We miss her!               
                                                            
70800 WOMEN - SEXY                   Grand Prix Lim  636 G0217



In the army and navy the toast is:                          
To the talented USO hostess,                                
Who was diddled by scores                                   
Who could not afford whores --                              
Of hostesses she was the mostest!                           
                                                            
70801 WOMEN - SEXY                                       G0780



A virtuous maiden named Nora                                
Viewed sexual sinning with horror.                          
But a bit of love play                                      
Was indulged in today,                                      
And who know what she'll think of tomorrow.                 
                                                            
70802 WOMEN - SEXY                   Isaac Asimov             



A missie from South Mississippi                             
Provocative, sassy, and lippy,                              
Would tantalise guys                                        
With her come-to-bed eyes,                                  
And when she went out with them -- Yippee!                  
                                                            
70803 WOMEN - SEXY                   John Dole           P9705



A girl wanders over Moose Heights                           
Wearing only a pair of silk tights.                         
Though no bloody use                                        
At exciting the moose,                                      
All the farmers for miles she delights.                     
                                                            
70804 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Hugh Oliver          101a



Writing about sex is my bag,                                
Or clothes that get rent, torn and rag-                     
ged from lust,                                              
For the feel of my bust,                                    
But I'm really a Nun (just a gag!)                          
                                                            
70805 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Robin K. Willoughby P8604



Whether dressed as a little French maid                     
Or maybe a Scots lass in plaid,                             
Your booties a treasure;                                    
You give so much pleasure,                                  
Unwrapping before you are laid.                             
                                                            
70806 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES                                  



A lovely French girl from Calais                            
Looks great in her sheer negligee.                          
Delightful and chaste                                       
She would just suit the taste                               
Of the typical Gallic gourmet.                              
                                                            
70807 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Isaac Asimov             



He once had a girlfriend named Carol,                       
Who wore the most gorgeous apparel.                         
He took her to the mall                                     
To show off her all;                                        
He'd fallen hard -- lock, stock and barrel.                 
                                                            
70808 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Arthur Pattaffy          



Those flighty young girls of today,                         
When they're out for an evening of play,                    
Wear no panties or vest                                     
And appear half undressed,                                  
In the sexiest possible way.                                
                                                            
70809 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES                                  



My love has a circular crack                                
Just south of the small of her back.                        
Just between us, my friends,                                
When over she bends,                                        
My jockeys lose all of their slack.                         
                                                            
70810 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Scott                    



There's one thing our country agrees on:                    
When she puts her lace BVD's on,                            
From Sooke to Niagara,                                      
Men call her Viagra,                                        
For a publicly obvious reason.                              
                                                            
70811 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         John E Mayhood      P9807



From contestants who number in throngs,                     
It's quite simple to see who belongs.                       
Miss America Misses                                         
Suggest just what bliss is                                  
With phantasies of them in thongs.                          
                                                            
70812 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Loren Fitzhugh      P0212



Whenever I see a selection                                  
Of dames who are dressed to perfection,                     
My skin starts to glisten                                   
And I get a quick frisson                                   
With immediate piloerection.                                
                                                            
70813 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Hugh Clary               



There was a young lady from Lester,                         
Who allowed her young men to molest her.                    
When they shouted abuse,                                    
She'd take off her shoes,                                   
But she'd take off much more when they pressed her.         
                                                            
70814 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES                                  



Just back from the north of this land,                      
Where the girls are exceedingly grand;                      
With their tiny wee skirts,                                 
They're outrageous flirts;                                  
Even now I've a permanent stand.                            
                                                            
70815 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Peter Wilkins            



As the sun's rays get day by day stronger,                  
All the chicks' leggies seem to grow longer.                
Just to draw eager eyes,                                    
Skirts hide barely their prize;                             
Old farts too feel considerably younger.                    
                                                            
70816 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES                                  



She's atractive, no one can doubt,                          
Pursued by the oaf and the lout.                            
When she passes, displayed                                  
In her mini of suede,                                       
Even strong men will often cry out!                         
                                                            
70817 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Jim Weaver Collection    



Hallelujah! Now Summer is here;                             
Pardon me while I ogle and leer,                            
At women and teenies                                        
In scanty bikinis;                                          
Grill some wienies and pass me a beer!                      
                                                            
70818 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         John Miller 0012         



My girlfriend is bar educated,                              
And more than a little, I hate it!                          
She wears her tight skirts                                  
And low cut tight shirts;                                   
She's in the wet t-shirt top rated!                         
                                                            
70819 WOMEN - SEXY - CLOTHES         Eydol                    



Young Algy has fits of the giggles,                         
As Ginger bends over and wiggles                            
Her bottom at Bertie,                                       
Who's getting quite flirty                                  
And doing the dirty with Biggles.                           
                                                            
70820 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING                                   



There was a young girl called Cecile,                       
Who loved riding the big Ferris Wheel.                      
What would add to the joy                                   
Was holding tight to her boy,                               
As they went round, 'twas squeal after squeal!              
                                                            
70821 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Arthur Pattaffy          



The ladies who like on St Kitts                             
Will walk around flaunting their tits.                      
Whilst ladies on Nevis                                      
Will oft show their crevice,                                
Which thrills all the tourists to bits.                     
                                                            
70822 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Tiddy Ogg                



I once had a girl friend named Nelder;                      
She was slick as an eel when you held her.                  
She could slither her charms                                
Through the tightest of arms...                             
To contain her, I had to spot-weld her.                     
                                                            
70823 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Don Tidwell              



I like it, my love, when you giggle                         
And make all your wobbly parts jiggle;                      
And given the chance                                        
To get into your pants,                                     
I can make all your nether parts wriggle.                   
                                                            
70824 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Peter Wilkins            



There once was a gal from New York                          
Whose wiggle would blow a guy's cork.                       
But it wasn't her bottom                                    
That usually got 'em,                                       
I think it was mainly her torque.                           
(torque - a measure of that used to twist off a nut - McW)  
70825 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Norm Storer              



On the treadmill the pretty girl runs;                      
Her pace is so fast that it stuns.                          
I try not to stare                                          
At her chest's bouncing pair,                               
So I find myself ogling her buns.                           
                                                            
70826 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Arnie Schoenbrun    P0308



There was a young woman named King                          
Who'd sit in a rocker and sing.                             
She showed so much stocking,                                
They tole her 'twas shocking,                               
But she said, "Come 'round when I swing!"                   
                                                            
70827 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Jim Weaver Collection    



A guy who would not run with women                          
Said, "Women should walk or go swimmin'.                    
You know it's a fact--                                      
They tend to distract                                       
With their bouncin' and shakin' and shimmin'."              
                                                            
70828 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Bill McKeon         P9705



All new barmaids soon come to grips                         
With the idea of swinging their hips.                       
Its not for the balance                                     
They display these talents,                                 
But rather to increase the tips.                            
                                                            
70829 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING                                   



The beautiful babes of Madras                               
Bare their hot undulating tight ass.                        
When bent at the waist,                                     
You almost can taste                                        
Their gaping and steaming crevasse.                         
                                                            
70830 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Randog                   



Objected Jane's boyfriend, young Dwight,                    
"The things you're a'doin' ain't right:                     
A-shakin' your tits                                         
To give me the fits,                                        
And make me go cream in the night."                         
                                                            
70831 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Armand E Singer       993



A cute little pumpkin, Michelle,                            
Whom, while under a midnight spell,                         
Unlike Cinderella,                                          
Delighted her fella,                                        
By turning into a motel.                                    
                                                            
70832 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Observer                 



That's how Mary discovered the joys                         
Of getting attention from boys.                             
When you want comprehension,                                
Just break dress convention,                                
And wiggle some when you make noise.                        
                                                            
70833 WOMEN - SEXY - MOVING          Jim Weaver Collection    



Now bunny girls, folks say they're phoney,                  
But most of them give me a boney.                           
To my carrot I steers                                       
'Em by grabbing their ears,                                 
While getting a face full of coney.                         
                                                            
70834 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Tiddy Ogg                



Our Cathy's around about thirty;                            
At work she will never be flirty.                           
Though down at the pub                                      
Or in a night club,                                         
Then she'll get down and get dirty.                         
                                                            
70835 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Archie                   



There a corporate exec, name of Brenda,                     
Who's got overdeveloped pudenda;                            
She enters the room,                                        
Exuding perfume:                                            
Thoughts of sex quickly top the agenda.                     
                                                            
70836 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Armand E Singer       850



Weekends are the times that I pop                           
Quite frequently into the shop,                             
That's closest to me                                        
For a peek at Marie,                                        
In her skimpy and eye-popping top.                          
                                                            
70837 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING                                  



If you were me, what would you do?                          
A cute French maid dropped by at two,                       
And wanted a job,                                           
With pay, and my knob,                                      
And flowers, fresh cut, in the loo,                         
                                                            
70838 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Travis Brasell           



While talking, her breasts were in view,                    
And just as she bid me "Adieu,"                             
She told me to hire her,                                    
And never to fire her,                                      
Or she would not swallow my glue.                           
                                                            
70839 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Travis Brasell           



There was a young steno from Dorset                         
Who let her boss see her new corset.                        
He wrote her a check                                        
As she lay on her back,                                     
And then took down his pants to endorse it.                 
                                                            
70840 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING                             G2687



On Monday our office will go                                
To a restaurant and party.  I know                          
That we'll eat, drink and get                               
More than merry.  I'm sweat-                                
ing, just hoping for moments with Flo.                      
                                                            
70841 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Peter Wilkins            



She has legs up to here.  When she sits,                    
Her short skirt barely covers her bits;                     
And I don't think she wears                                 
Pantyhose and she swears                                    
Brassieres are no good for her tits.                        
                                                            
70842 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Peter Wilkins            



I can't keep my eyes off her firm                           
And delightful young body.  I squirm                        
While adjusting my pants                                    
When she gives me a glance                                  
And says, "Deal with you later, you worm."                  
                                                            
70843 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Peter Wilkins            



I'm under her power; in the grip                            
Of desire.  If she told me to strip,                        
I'd obey like a shot                                        
And I'd ask, "Have you got                                  
Leather boots, leather pants and a whip!"                   
                                                            
70844 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Peter Wilkins            



I've hired a new gal, Reeny Reenhorn,                       
For ranch chores, who's really a greenhorn,                 
At tossin' a lasso,                                         
But she has an ass, so                                      
I'm lettin' her work on my 'teenhorn!'                      
                                                            
70845 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Travis Brasell           



While she cannot spell and her writing is hell,             
With the phrases of ill-devised size,                       
She's so adored                                             
By the marketing board                                      
That they gave her the Pullet-zer Prize.                    
                                                            
70846 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Mervyn Cripps collection 



At work, there's this girl, Desdemona,                      
Whose job is replacing the toner                            
In printers and scanners;                                   
And though I have manners,                                  
I can't help but getting a boner.                           
                                                            
70847 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Peter Wilkins            



Apart from her graces and airs,                             
And her clothes at which everyone stares,                   
(For her skirt is too short                                 
That it covers but naught)                                  
It's those thin rubber gloves that she wears.               
                                                            
70848 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Peter Wilkins            



I know that their likely intention                          
Is toner-discolor prevention.                               
But thought of her hand                                     
Encasing my gland,                                          
Makes it quiver and stand to attention.                     
                                                            
70849 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING         Peter Wilkins            



The boss has employed yet again                             
Another receptionist; Jane.                                 
She's twenty and slim                                       
And she's blonde to the quim...                             
Or so says my feverish brain.                               
                                                            
70850 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING                                  



The boss's P.A. is Vanessa --                               
I'd walk through some fire to impress her.                  
Or take her to dine                                         
On oysters and wine,                                        
But mostly I want to undress her.                           
                                                            
70851 WOMEN - SEXY - WORKING                                  



Oh Betty, you really inspire,                               
The way you profusely perpire.                              
Each sweat exudation                                        
Will cause dick inflation;                                  
Come Betty and quench my desire.                            
                                                            
70852 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



The weather's so hot now, and you've                        
Salt drops in each crevice and groove.                      
So when you're denuded,                                     
That moisture exuded,                                       
Each drop with my tongue I'll remove.                       
                                                            
70853 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



I'd love you, my dearest Amelia,                            
As much as or more than young Delia,                        
Maria, Martina,                                             
Suzanne and Christina,                                      
If only you'd gimme Ophelia.                                
                                                            
70854 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Peter Wilkins            



Your quest for that girl named Amelia                       
Is doomed.  Did you know she is really a                    
Big tease?  Plus, I'm told                                  
She's thirteen years old.                                   
You perv!  So you like pedophilia?                          
                                                            
70855 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Randog                   



Sarah was a girl I once knew.                               
I'd go to her house for a screw.                            
If her boyfriend found out,                                 
I'd be in for a clout,                                      
And I'd be at the end of the queue.                         
                                                            
70856 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Funny Bone               



So she sounds like a bit of a slag,                         
Or maybe a sex-obsessed bag.                                
Can you lend her to me                                      
Between two and three?                                      
I am in great need of a shag!                               
                                                            
70857 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Mushroom                 



There was a young lady of fashion,                          
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.                       
To her lover she said,                                      
As they piled into bed,                                     
"This is one thing those bastards can't ration."            
                                                            
70858 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                             L0032



There was a young girl from Dakota,                         
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:                      
"In addition to gas,                                        
We're rationing ass,                                        
And you've greatly exceeded your quota."                    
                                                            
70859 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                             L0033



"Austerity now is the fashion,"                             
Remarked a young coed with passion.                         
Then she glanced at the bed,                                
And quietly said,                                           
"There's one thing old Gingrich can't ration."              
                                                            
70860 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Anon                     



I'm off to the gym now, okay?                               
Not to keep from decaying away,                             
I admit; but I hope                                         
As I climb up this rope,                                    
To catch sight of young Claire on this day.                 
                                                            
70861 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



That's Claire on the exercise bench                         
Over there (she's a pretty young wench)                     
Exercising her thighs                                       
Amid whimpering sighs,                                      
To improve on the strength of her clench.                   
                                                            
70862 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



I can't help but notice the patch                           
Of what seems to be damp from her snatch.                   
Guess she does it to tease,                                 
But I wish she'd say, "Please,                              
Come and give me a sniff and a scratch."                    
                                                            
70863 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



I've met my new neighbor named Janet;                       
She acts like she's not from this planet.                   
But she's got a bod                                         
That turns my rod                                           
Into a pillar of granite.                                   
                                                            
70864 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Once again through the knot hole I look;                    
She's lying there reading a book.                           
Then a friend came to stay,                                 
(Her name's Sue, by the way.)                               
And off now, their blouses they took.                       
                                                            
70865 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



So soon they were stripped to the waist;                    
In a game, round the garden they chased.                    
They were soon very nude,                                   
Doing things very rude.                                     
She's a lesbian! Gee, what a waste.                         
                                                            
70866 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



These warm summer days in the city,                         
With acres of cleavage and titty                            
And golden brown thighs,                                    
Make me lose (no surprise)                                  
Concentration at work (what a pity).                        
                                                            
70867 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



My eyes wander out to the street                            
Where the girlies look utterly sweet                        
In their dresses so short;                                  
Do I think that they ought                                  
To? You bet; though I'm feeling the heat.                   
                                                            
70868 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



This morning the boss said to me                            
(Interrupting my sweet reverie)                             
"That report; have you done it?"                            
(Oh shit.) "I've begun it",                                 
I lied. "Well I need it by three."                          
                                                            
70869 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



By five I had written one page                              
"Is that all?" said the boss in a rage.                     
I replied, "That'll do."                                    
As I looked at the view                                     
From the window. (I think it's my age.)                     
                                                            
70870 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



She looked so attractive that I                             
Glanced, threw her a smile, and passed by.                  
That lady so charm-                                         
Ing grabbed hold of my arm,                                 
And caused me to stop.  She said "Hi."                      
                                                            
70871 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



"My name is Miss Annabel Brett."                            
"'Annibal?  Like him who set                                
Out to cross the Alps, high,                                
With elephants.  Why?                                       
To get mountains that never forget."                        
                                                            
70872 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



Her GSOH may have been lacking,  (great sense of humor)     
But rapidly from me, she's backing.                         
So lads, with these dames,                                  
Don't pun on their names,                                   
Or you, just like me'll be sent packing.                    
                                                            
70873 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Tiddy Ogg                



I heard of the Alps crossed by Hannibal,                    
But I thought I was handed a can-o'-bull,                   
When I'm told, though he'd strive,                          
The offspring didn't survive.                               
I just wish that I wasn't so gullible.                      
                                                            
70874 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Liam na Beag             



There once was a wild man named Todd                        
Who had to judge pretty girls bods.                         
Each girl that he'd see,                                    
He gave only a three,                                       
For none were good enough for his wad.                      
                                                            
70875 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Now Todd was unusually loud.                                
You can hear him in any size crowd                          
And when he was able,                                       
He'd climb up on a table,                                   
Pee on their heads; then feel proud.                        
                                                            
70876 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



I can say this applies to most guys:                        
Man craves those things pleasing his eyes.                  
I'm obnoxiously crass,                                      
But to them I'm first-class.                                
I've looks, tits, and ass that they prize.                  
                                                            
70877 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Your ass and your tits and your thighs                      
Have accounted for many a rise,                             
But there's naught like my knob                             
For the very best job;                                      
Come on down, girl; you've won the first prize!             
                                                            
70878 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



There's no fanny that's nicer than Meg's,                   
As was seen as she reached for the eggs.                    
And the stock boy is shakin'                                
As he comes in the bacon,                                   
Having seen where she runs out of legs.                     
                                                            
70879 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



And the manager just had to shutter,                        
As he splattered all over the butter.                       
When Meg leaned for the milk,                               
Her bra made out of silk,                                   
Broke under the weight of her udder.                        
                                                            
70880 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



She stretched for a package of chops,                       
And the young butcher's fly zipper pops,                    
And he shakes with a shiver,                                
As he spurts on the liver,                                  
And the janitor runs for the mops.                          
                                                            
70881 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



And then the security guard,                                
Felt his member begin to get hard,                          
As Meg searched through the pies                            
With a flash of her thighs,                                 
That caused him to come in the lard.                        
                                                            
70882 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



She squatted to look at the honey,                          
A view for which men would pay money.                       
And a guy by the bread                                      
Saw Meg's slender legs spread,                              
And he came at the sight of her cunny.                      
                                                            
70883 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



Then at check out, the lesbian clerk,                       
Tried focusing just on her work,                            
As she rang up some chips,                                  
Meg licked her full lips,                                   
And the dyke's climax made her hips jerk.                   
                                                            
70884 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



The boy pushing the carts in the lot,                       
Got one hell of a fantastic shot.                           
As Meg bent to unload,                                      
You could hear him explode,                                 
And he creamed in his jeans on the spot.                    
                                                            
70885 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



Meg finally got home from the store,                        
And struggled to get through the door.                      
When a grocery bag split                                    
She cried out "Oh shit,"                                    
As the eggs and the milk hit the floor.                     
                                                            
70886 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



She stripped naked to keep her dress clean,                 
And stood where she knew she'd be seen.                     
"Hold the noise down out there,"                            
Hubby yelled from his chair,                                
"Move your ass 'cause I can't see the screen."              
                                                            
70887 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



There's a moral in here, as you'll see;                     
Meg looked great as she bought her green tea.               
She was noticed a lot;                                      
By the soups she looked hot,                                
But at home she's no match for TV!                          
                                                            
70888 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Bob Birch           P0104



Happy Valentines Day to the girls;                          
The ones I have taken on whirls.                            
Some were just quick                                        
But you all are so slick,                                   
Amongst us swine, you are the pearls!                       
                                                            
70889 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



A pearl amongst all of you swine,                           
Is an honor I will not decline.                             
When rooting for truffles,                                  
Those cute little snuffles,                                 
Down below gives me pleasures divine.                       
                                                            
70890 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Surely it cannot be true;                                   
From our windows we share the view                          
Of beautiful crumpet                                        
And occassional strumpet,                                   
And all of it at no cost, too.                              
                                                            
70891 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



I liked the one in the vest,                                
A tiny but pert hint of breast.                             
Legs were a treat;                                          
Bum tight and neat;                                         
My thoughts in my trousers expressed.                       
                                                            
70892 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Sadly its all fantasy                                       
For they would never choose me.                             
I've put it on disk                                         
Future use for my wrist,                                    
When I go on my self-abuse spree.                           
                                                            
70893 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Das Maedl mit Koerper aufrichtig                            
Bei Jungens ganz stramm war vorsichtig.                     
Sie blieb ja ganz rein,                                     
Doch hielt es fuer fein                                     
Zu wandern in Kleidern durchsichtig.                        
                                                            
70894 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Tucker D. Ott       P9002



The girl with a body all-right                              
Would tend from hard studs to take flight.                  
She did remain pure,                                        
Yet upped her allure                                        
In clothes that hid nothing from sight.                     
                                                            
70895 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES         Tucker D. Ott       P9002



Young Lily's life filled up with glamour;                   
At her front door, boys would clamor.                       
She'd give them a wink,                                     
Watch faces go pink,                                        
Hearts pound and they'd all start to stammer.               
                                                            
70896 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Lily's favorite suitor, Billy,                              
Knows that she's daffy and silly.                           
But he couldn't care less,                                  
'Cause what's under her dress,                              
Does amazing things to his willy.                           
                                                            
70897 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Are you sure you want ladies in here,                       
'Cause what I read a lady , I fear,                         
Will gasp with surprise,                                    
What she reads with her eyes,                               
About pussies, dicks and rears!                             
                                                            
70898 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



I've met plenty of ladies, my dear                          
And of all of those thousands, I fear                       
Though they act as if shocked                               
When one goes off half cocked,                              
I've never seen one virgin ear.                             
                                                            
70899 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



Now Spuddie, just where have you been?                      
You've been missing too long from this scene.               
Don't you know that my percy                                
Needs you, my dear nursey,                                  
To give him a regular sheen?                                
                                                            
70900 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



And how 'bout your panties? I mean;                         
All those others you sent have turned green,                
And have rotted away.                                       
Will you mail me today                                      
With your next set of undies, unclean?                      
                                                            
70901 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



'Tweren't me you had dinner and cake                        
With; I know your bazoomas aren't fake,                     
For I've seen 'em before;                                   
They're a good 44,                                          
With a cup-size the biggest they make.                      
                                                            
70902 WOMEN - SEXY - ZSERIES                                  



I once knew a spinster from Staines,                        
And a spinster that lady remains.                           
She's no figure, no looks,                                  
Neither dances nor cooks,                                   
And, most ghastly of all, she has brains.                   
                                                            
70903 WOMEN - SMART                  Plaiwon                  



My wife has, in her memory, amassed                         
Much minutiae -- her storehouse is vast.                    
She's a real history buff                                   
And when she's in a huff,                                   
She will hasten to bring up my past.                        
                                                            
70904 WOMEN - SMART                  William N Nesbit         



A delectable widow named Lyme                               
In enjoying her sexual prime;                               
Having briefly inclined                                     
To the life of the mind,                                    
She returned to her senses in time.                         
                                                            
70905 WOMEN - SMART                  Thomas A. Quinine   P8405



There was a young lady of Aberdeen,                         
Whose admirers were ever so keen                            
To grab hold of a piece                                     
On a rent or a lease,                                       
Though she'd rather her intellect preen.                    
                                                            
70906 WOMEN - SMART                                           



Women cerebrally endowed,                                   
Like to find men not easily cowed,                          
By a smart-ass young chit,                                  
Or more womanly wit.                                        
But find many are lacking the grit.                         
                                                            
70907 WOMEN - SMART                                           



So much for that "looks do not matter,"                     
And all of that "love your brain" chatter.                  
But gals who feel guilt                                     
Because they ain't "built",                                 
Must be just as mad as a hatter.                            
                                                            
70908 WOMEN - SMART                  Marlene Lewis            



Her new boyfriend became such a pest,                       
When he came to her house just to rest.                     
When he started to snore,                                   
She showed him the door.                                    
This lovebird would not share her love nest.                
                                                            
70909 WOMEN - SMART                  Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a girl from DC;                              
A shy, nervous maiden was she.                              
Until she joined Mensa,                                     
The results were immense!  A                                
Husband, a boyfriend, and me!                               
                                                            
70910 WOMEN - SMART                  Ken Kaufman              



A young lady, whose harmful advice,                         
Terrorised even joysticks and mice,                         
Used to hide her nice chin,                                 
And enjoyed rock and din.                                   
With a spice - she declared - life is nice.                 
                                                            
70911 WOMEN - SMART                  Slava Meskhi        P0007



A coed fresh out of Cornell                                 
Swore she'd certainly not kiss and tell.                    
So she's silent -- but nimble                               
With a deaf-and-dumb symbol,                                
And just taps out Morse Code as well.                       
                                                            
70912 WOMEN - SMART                  Isaac Asimov             



Sneered practical, hardhearted Sue,                         
"Farewell and good riddance, adieu!                         
What gives you the notion                                   
That I'd feel devotion                                      
For second-rate shitheads like you?"                        
                                                            
70913 WOMEN - SMART                  Armand E Singer       662



I have searched from New York to Milan;                     
I searched through tribes, hermits and clans.               
To my great distress,                                       
I have to confess,                                          
I wasn't able to find: Perfect Man.                         
                                                            
70914 WOMEN - SMART                  Azul                     



Oh -- and no, I don't "do" K-Mart                           
Though I might go read for the part.                        
This working for lawyers                                    
Puts knots in my drawers --                                 
I'm ornery, nasty -- and smart!                             
                                                            
70915 WOMEN - SMART                                           



"I married a dumb girl," said Ned,                          
After honeymoon spent at Club Med.                          
"The thought I will willow                                  
Is why she put the pillow                                   
'Neath her fanny instead of her head!"                      
                                                            
70916 WOMEN - SMART                  Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



A woman who lived by the ocean,                             
Did fondle her boss, using lotion.                          
While she tickled his bum,                                  
And she got him to come,                                    
She received an outstanding promotion..                     
                                                            
70917 WOMEN - SMART                  Cap'n Bean               



Ms. Computer Whiz said, "It's a bore                        
When I'm horny and I'd like to score,                       
And he worships my brain                                    
While I try to explain,                                     
It's his hardware that I'm lusting for."                    
                                                            
70918 WOMEN - SMART                  Ann Gasser          P9307



A ruthless plant manager, Lee,                              
Sails high on the corporate sea.                            
Her hidden agenda:                                          
One willing pudenda                                         
And morals the size of a flea.                              
                                                            
70919 WOMEN - SMART                  Armand E Singer       790



Is it a difference in pussy you seek                        
Or something that mews and is meek.                         
Most men are quite daunted                                  
If our intelligence is flaunted,                            
But at times, I'll give a sneak tweak.                      
                                                            
70920 WOMEN - SMART                                           



Most of our limericks are rude,                             
So I have a question for you.                               
Does having good brains                                     
Close hormone-like drains,                                  
Or are you occasionally crude?                              
                                                            
70921 WOMEN - SMART                  Archie                   



Do all of the smart girls have quims                        
To be fingered at their own whims,                          
Or is all they've got                                       
Is another big twat                                         
To be screwed by males who are dims.                        
                                                            
70922 WOMEN - SMART                  Archie                   



A long limbed brunette am I,                                
And grey is the color of my eye.                            
With an education extensive                                 
In sexual arts comprehensive;                               
Come closer as I you satisfy.                               
                                                            
70923 WOMEN - SMART                                           



My oil is prepared for a feast;                             
Of many toys it's not the least.                            
So soft and so tasty,                                       
I will not be hasty,                                        
As I lick from your head to your feet.                      
                                                            
70924 WOMEN - SMART                                           



And just when you think that you can                        
Not wait another moment, my man,                            
I'll bury your sword                                        
Where it strikes the right chord,                           
And see if you're a real gentleman.                         
                                                            
70925 WOMEN - SMART                                           



A long-limbed brunette with a mind                          
And a body, both surely designed                            
To excite all the senses?                                   
I have no defences;                                         
To you I'm most surely resigned.                            
                                                            
70926 WOMEN - SMART                                           



With fingers and tongue I will take                         
You right up to the edge 'til you ache                      
For the ultimate pleasure,                                  
Then plunder your treasure;                                 
For all your desires I will slake.                          
                                                            
70927 WOMEN - SMART                                           



I won't leave you waiting in vain;                          
With desire I will drive you insane;                        
Then my sword I will thrust                                 
In you, quenching your lust;                                
Then we'll build up the tension again.                      
                                                            
70928 WOMEN - SMART                                           



He below my window emotes;                                  
From Browning and Shakespeare he quotes.                    
But I am no fool.                                           
I know he's a ghoul.                                        
'Tis only himself he promotes.                              
                                                            
70929 WOMEN - SMART                                           



No interest has he in my brain.                             
Intelligence has his disdain.                               
He wants only a face                                        
That will not disgrace --                                   
A puppet he feels he can train.                             
                                                            
70930 WOMEN - SMART                                           



Have I brains and confidence too!                           
To me, soon he'll say toodle-oo.                            
Too sharp is my tounge;                                     
With wit he is stung.                                       
What good is a beautiful shrew?                             
                                                            
70931 WOMEN - SMART                                           



"A woman should not have a brain,"                          
Says he, "It makes them hard to train.                      
But good she should look                                    
In teddies.  And Cook.                                      
From forming opinions abstain."                             
                                                            
70932 WOMEN - SMART                                           



A woman renowned as sagacious,                              
Has a penchant for stories salacious.                       
But for doing the deeds                                     
About which she reads,                                      
Her appetite's much more voracious.                         
                                                            
70933 WOMEN - SMART                  Ellen                    



A devil-may-care sort of flapper                            
Was a belle who was seeking a clapper.                      
But not any bum                                             
Would be making her come,                                   
She was after a Phi Beta Kappa.                             
                                                            
70934 WOMEN - SMART                  Isaac Asimov             



Anna Lisa McClintock declined                               
To be standardly wined and dined.                           
But she could be had                                        
By any old cad                                              
Who claimed to be wooed by her mind.                        
                                                            
70935 WOMEN - SMART                  Nate Birkholz            



This woman who lived in a cave                              
Was strong and really quite brave.                          
She would chop down a tree,                                 
And make a chair leg for three                              
By turning the wood on a lathe.                             
                                                            
70936 WOMEN - SMART                  Anon                     



While wining and dining Miss Tish                           
Asked, "Are you a Pisces, The Fish?"                        
Was this an implicit                                        
Attempt to solicit?                                         
Should I put a fin near her dish?                           
(fin - American slang for five dollar bill)                 
70937 WOMEN - STUPID                 Irving Superior     P8405



There once was a man from Wheeling,                         
Whose wife was continually squealing.                       
He didn't mind much,                                        
Except the pitch was such                                   
That it peeled the paint from the ceiling.                  
                                                            
70938 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



And then there's the story of Shirley                       
Who acted a little bit squirrelly.                          
She'd a family of ants                                      
Inside of her pants,                                        
So she left the party quite early.                          
                                                            
70939 WOMEN - STUPID                 Tom Patton          P9611



There was a young lassie of Lancashire                      
Who landed a job as a bank cashier:                         
But as she hardly knew                                      
1 + 1 = 2,                                                  
She had to give place to a man cashier.                     
                                                            
70940 WOMEN - STUPID                 Linda Marsh Coll         



I once knew a lady named Jane,                              
Who wasn't completely all sane;                             
She was good in a bed,                                      
But each time she said,                                     
"The best part is leaving a stain."                         
                                                            
70941 WOMEN - STUPID                 Neal Wilgus         P8511



All the girls that the best pageants show,                  
Balance beauty and brains, don't you know.                  
If her busts thirty-nine,                                   
I'm inclined to opine,                                      
That her IQ's not too far below.                            
                                                            
70942 WOMEN - STUPID                 Graham Lester            



There once was a fine young lass,                           
With a gift for running out of gas.                         
She asked, "Do you give credit?"                            
The man said, "Forget it!                                   
You can just blow it out your ass!"                         
                                                            
70943 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



A woman named Donna-Lee June                                
Was said to be truly a loon;                                
She slept in a tree,                                        
She used spiders for tea,                                   
And she claimed she'd been born on the moon.                
                                                            
70944 WOMEN - STUPID                 Cap'n Bean          P0310



His teenage bride said not to fret                          
About cash, because, as she told Chet,                      
"I know this guy, honey,                                    
Who will lend us the money                                  
That we need now to get out of debt."                       
                                                            
70945 WOMEN - STUPID                 A. N. Wilkins       P8502



His wife was a pack rat named Sally,                        
Who unto his cause would not rally.                         
For alas and alack,                                         
She brought everything back                                 
From a rummage sale out in the alley.                       
                                                            
70946 WOMEN - STUPID                 Reminisce           P9310



I do have a sister named Melly,                             
Who loves to watch cartoons on the telly.                   
Her eyes have gone square;                                  
She just sits and will stare.                               
I am sure that her brain is like jelly.                     
                                                            
70947 WOMEN - STUPID                 Funny Bone               



There's a star-crossed young female named Rose,             
For whom nothing works right -- not her clothes,            
Nor her sex life, her money,                                
Why this ill-fated honey                                    
Broke her finger while picking her nose.                    
                                                            
70948 WOMEN - STUPID                 Armand E Singer       857



And then there's Bert's wife, Auntie Jane;                  
Alas, she's not blessed with a brain.                       
But her body is great,                                      
Which helps compensate                                      
Or so Uncle Bert would explain.                             
                                                            
70949 WOMEN - STUPID                 Tony Burrell             



A coed named Nona McNim                                     
Has a brain that's remarkably dim.                          
But her transcript portrays                                 
Almost nothing but A's--                                    
A tribute, no doubt, to her quim.                           
                                                            
70950 WOMEN - STUPID                 Norm Storer              



I'd much prefer glamorous Miss Blum,                        
But she yammers for dough till you're numb.                 
So I bang cute l'il Nevis                                   
Who donates her wet crevice,                                
Being hot and incredibly dumb.                              
                                                            
70951 WOMEN - STUPID                                     G1746



Two timorous duelists of Sark                               
Declined to shoot in the dark;                              
What their wives did, instead,                              
Each turned her head,                                       
And was left with a buttock pock-marked.                    
                                                            
70952 WOMEN - STUPID                 Peter Wilkins            



There was a young lady from Randalls,                       
As dumb as the girl that used candles.                      
Now this dumb little lady                                   
Whose thoughts were quite shady                             
Thought the Chamber of Commerce had handles.                
                                                            
70953 WOMEN - STUPID                 Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



In past days in bars one would revel                        
While seeking a cute sexy devil.                            
No one cared your net worth.                                
(Just the sign of your birth!)                              
But now? It's cholesterol level.                            
                                                            
70954 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jane D. Hughes      P9107



Madame Clara's a famous clairvoyant;                        
In the fairground she's very flamboyant.                    
She didn't see, sad to say,                                 
What was coming her way;                                    
In a shipwreck she wasn't too buoyant!                      
                                                            
70955 WOMEN - STUPID                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a girl that I knew,                          
I'll tell you she'd not have a clue.                        
If you stood real near                                      
And looked in her ear,                                      
I bet you could see clear through.                          
                                                            
70956 WOMEN - STUPID                 Misty Dragon             



There's a lady who reads Mills Boone                        
By the light of the silvery moon.                           
She loves all the stories                                   
And votes for the tories;                                   
They'll be coming to get her quite soon.                    
                                                            
70957 WOMEN - STUPID                 Bill Wall                



There's a lady who dotes on pop culture;                    
She has sex wth a lesbian vulture.                          
She likes pancakes and crabs,                               
Pop music and scabs--                                       
She's devoted to vivisepulture.                             
(vivisepulture - act of burying alive)                      
70958 WOMEN - STUPID                                     G2305



A round-heeled lady from Spain                              
Screamed, "Oh, baby, do it again!"                          
Of course what she meant                                    
Was "Act like a gent."                                      
I swear, you've got sex on the brain!                       
                                                            
70959 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



Just like a big Amazon you'll                               
Ride and you'll fight and you'll fuel                       
Feuds that'll keep                                          
You from your quiet sleep.                                  
You'll spend all your time in a duel!                       
                                                            
70960 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Dumb blonde asks the clerk if he'll get                     
Some deodorant, 'cause hubby does sweat.                    
"Ball type?", He inquired.                                  
"Oh no, not desired!                                        
His armpits are smellier yet."                              
                                                            
70961 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



You've misunderstood all that I said!                       
I'm not the sad slut who gives head.                        
I'm sweet and I'm pure,                                     
Quite shy and demure,                                       
I'm just rather easily led.                                 
                                                            
70962 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jayne                    



There was an old lady named Crockett                        
Who went to put a plug in a socket.                         
But her hands were so wet                                   
She flew up like a jet,                                     
And came roaring back down like a rocket.                   
                                                            
70963 WOMEN - STUPID                 William Jay Smith        



A prudish young lady named Brock                            
On sex had a bad mental block.                              
When the mating of flies                                    
Passed in front of her eyes,                                
She practically fainted from shock.                         
                                                            
70964 WOMEN - STUPID                 Grand Prix Lim  162 G2273



A certain young woman of Troy,                              
Was exceedingly modest and coy.                             
You would find her the kind                                 
Who would pull down the blind                               
If she even just thought of a boy.                          
                                                            
70965 WOMEN - STUPID                 Isaac Asimov             



There once was a young girl named Heather;                  
Indeed she was light as a feather.                          
But one fateful day                                         
She floated away,                                           
Because she'd forgotten her tether.                         
                                                            
70966 WOMEN - STUPID                 The Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Mary                           
Who found nearly everything scary;                          
She was up half the night                                   
Shaking in fright                                           
From the sight of a little canary.                          
                                                            
70967 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



Now dim-witted, dumb Dora Mease,                            
She was dumb as could be, if you please.                    
She should go back to school                                
For this silly young fool,                                  
Thought Grape Nuts a venereal disease.                      
                                                            
70968 WOMEN - STUPID                 Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



The gals were discussing the pricks                         
Of the guys by whom they'd been transfixed,                 
One said, "I had a ten!"                                    
"Did you measure?" asked Gwen --                            
"No -- he said something about 4 and 6."                    
                                                            
70969 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



A henpecked old man of Seattle                              
Indulged with his wife in some prattle.                     
"That's my answer," she said,                               
As she nodded her head.                                     
But he claimed he did not hear the rattle.                  
                                                            
70970 WOMEN - STUPID                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2787



A harlot by name of Wisteria,                               
Asked time of a man from Elyria.                            
He disclosed his big clock,                                 
And she went into shock,                                    
And then into a state of hysteria.                          
                                                            
70971 WOMEN - STUPID                 Albin Chaplin            



Take interns despoiled by a pol;                            
They are quick to slander the doll.                         
"She slept with my boss,                                    
But she sure did toss                                       
Her stuff to a satyr's cabal!"                              
                                                            
70972 WOMEN - STUPID                 Chris Papa               



"A wife does not need brains," stated Fred!                 
"What good is good sense in her head?                       
A wife must be able                                         
To set the damn table                                       
With grub and them make her legs spread!"                   
                                                            
70973 WOMEN - STUPID                 Travis Brasell           



Though privately, I must agree,                             
We'd best keep this 'twixt you and me.                      
For women these days                                        
With their feminine ways,                                   
Will not let us get past the knee.                          
                                                            
70974 WOMEN - STUPID                 Tiddy Ogg                



Well I'm not a knee-jerking guy,                            
So none of that crap will I buy.                            
In daytime or night,                                        
If you catch them right,                                    
They'll soon be unzipping your fly.                         
                                                            
70975 WOMEN - STUPID                 SFA                      



My friends, lest the girls think we're truthless,           
Uncouth or male chauvinests, ruthless,                      
Let's quickly now add                                       
That men are made glad                                      
By cocksucking broads who are toothless.                    
                                                            
70976 WOMEN - STUPID                 Travis Brasell           



Yes, all we need is one bain cell,                          
So when the grub's ready, we'll yell.                       
And when you are through                                    
With the five minute screw,                                 
We can lie smiling, "Gee, that was swell!"                  
                                                            
70977 WOMEN - STUPID                 Carol                    



Such honesty I must applaud;                                
It leaves me, m'dear, shocked and awed!                     
So come here, my sweet,                                     
And hop on my meat,                                         
And ride it till you're cocked and rawed!                   
                                                            
70978 WOMEN - STUPID                 Travis Brasell           



A puzzled young girl named Loraine                          
Tried desperately hard to explain                           
To a newly met fella,                                       
"It's odd!  My umbrella                                     
Seems only to leak in the rain."                            
                                                            
70979 WOMEN - STUPID                 Leland B Blair      P0107



In order to get on the dole,                                
You must prove that you're in a hole.                       
So get you a bride                                          
And get you inside,                                         
Then carry her where you enroll.                            
                                                            
70980 WOMEN - STUPID                 Irving Superior     P8609



There one was a pilot named Flinn,                          
Engaging in all kinds of sin,                               
Adultry and lying,                                          
Now that's really flying;                                   
So will she stay out or stay in?                            
(Lady Air Force pilot ejected for adultry, 1987)            
70981 WOMEN - STUPID                 Joe Long                 



I'm tired of hearing of Flinn                               
And the consequnce of her sin!                              
So let's turn our minds                                     
To uplifting designs.                                       
(By the way, do you thing that she'll win?)                 
                                                            
70982 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jeffry L. Lorentz        



A miserable maid from Bermuda                               
Wondered why romance seemed to elude her.                   
Though she thought she had charm,                           
She set off an alarm:                                       
She came on like a starved barracuda.                       
                                                            
70983 WOMEN - STUPID                 Marvin Grosswirth   P8612



Dwayne Douglas was dumping his date,                        
Delores Duffy, down by the gate.                            
His dachshund, Dwight,                                      
Dropped dog turds and right                                 
By Delores, who thought they smelled great.                 
                                                            
70984 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jeanie                   



This Tuesday I'm going to claim,                            
The winning prize in the Big Game;                          
Take the 300 mill,                                          
Move to Spain or Brazil,                                    
But a boat, dye my hair, change my name.                    
                                                            
70985 WOMEN - STUPID                 Carol                    



Unattractive as Mabel may be,                               
What she has that I want, she gives free.                   
The local love stores                                       
Charge too much for their whores,                           
So its Mabel, dear Mabel, for me.                           
                                                            
70986 WOMEN - STUPID                                     G1738



A woman who came from Beijing                               
Couldn't execute even one thing.                            
She tried and she tried                                     
And suddently cried                                         
"I should have married a king!"                             
                                                            
70987 WOMEN - STUPID                 Celica8                  



Hooray for that dude named Friar;                           
Of women he's surely no liar.                               
No logic or sense                                           
Do their mouths dispense,                                   
The intelligence of men is much higher!                     
                                                            
70988 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There once was a young milkmaid lass,                       
Who was not at the head of her class.                       
She'd pull and she'd pull,                                  
While milking the bull,                                     
And say "Betsy gave only one glass."                        
                                                            
70989 WOMEN - STUPID                 Ed Hutchins              



In Baghdad I found a girl, Roxy.                            
Real foxy and not the least poxy.                           
So I found, you see,                                        
A WMD:                                                      
A Wily Mohammedan doxie.                                    
                                                            
70990 WOMEN - STUPID                 Tiddy Ogg                



It's true that the color black's slimmin',                  
And if, on the religious women,                             
What's covered entices,                                     
There's no Paradise as                                      
Fine as that weird country, Yemen.                          
                                                            
70991 WOMEN - STUPID                 Cyberwizard              



"When choosing a bimbo, Friend Ted,                         
Of the skull shape, take note first," I said.               
"With a very flat crown,                                    
When on you, she's down,                                    
Your beer glass can rest on her head."                      
                                                            
70992 WOMEN - STUPID                 Tiddy Ogg                



And secondly, if she is able,                               
To show you the truth of that fable,                        
That it really hums,                                        
(A blowjob with gums)                                       
When she leaves her teeth on the table.                     
                                                            
70993 WOMEN - STUPID                 Frank                    



Cosmetologist Lucylee Stout                                 
Is sure that, without a doubt,                              
"If you use our lipstick                                    
And you put it on thick,                                    
We assure you it'll never wear out."                        
                                                            
70994 WOMEN - STUPID                 VOL 11                   



There was a young maid from Superior                        
Whose I.Q. was sad and inferior,                            
But no one in bed                                           
Gave a thought to her head                                  
Or the quality of its interior.                             
                                                            
70995 WOMEN - STUPID                 William K. Alsop    P8810



When Hays hired the typist, Miss May,                       
He found to his utter dismay,                               
She could not type a bit                                    
And was not worth a shit,                                   
So he stroked on her pussy all day.                         
                                                            
70996 WOMEN - STUPID                 Albin Chaplin   3024-2184



Oh that seeing should stultify so,                          
And that wooing should turn into woe!                       
An adorable cutie                                           
With bountiful beauty,                                      
As a wife she is "O", "Oh", "Owe"!                          
                                                            
70997 WOMEN - STUPID                 Laurence Perrine    P8405



A prude I once dated, Ms. Stimple,                          
Could not discuss even a pimple.                            
In bed, though, she'd grunt,                                
"Ooh fuck, fuck my cunt!"                                   
Now that parts a fuck, pure and simple.                     
                                                            
70998 WOMEN - STUPID                 H Whelchel               



A bed-wrecking rounder named Slocum                         
Said, "Gals know they're had when I poke 'em.               
With my lecherous urgin',                                   
I make virgins burgeon,                                     
For they fall for Slocum poke 'em hokum."                   
                                                            
70999 WOMEN - STUPID                 Grand Prix Lim  154      



A dumb girl that was not all there,                         
Took underwear soiled in the rear                           
To her OBGYN.                                               
She misunderstood him;                                      
She thought the test was a "poop-smear."                    
                                                            
71000 WOMEN - STUPID                 Gearhart                 



"The fellows and I have a ball                              
And then I have a kid every fall.                           
Ma takes care of the litter                                 
And acts as a sitter,                                       
While ADC pays for it all."                                 
(ADC - aid to dependent children)                           
71001 WOMEN - STUPID                 A. N. Wilkins       P8609



Said Sue's Mom, "I've made a decision.                      
You must sit down and do your revision."                    
"What you want me to do                                     
Is not fair", replied Sue                                   
"When I'd much rather watch television."                    
                                                            
71002 WOMEN - STUPID                 Funfax Limericks         



This statement may be fundamental,                          
But I think for my health, 'tis essential:                  
Resemblance to pretty                                       
Gals in Salt Lake City                                      
Are totally coincidental.                                   
[Mormon coeds graze the football field]                     
71003 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



Frail Gail on her birthday delighted                        
In calling up friends she'd invited.                        
To each she'd exclaim,                                      
"I shall not bear the blame                                 
If your gift makes me overexcited!"                         
                                                            
71004 WOMEN - STUPID                 Paul M. Hoffman          



Laetitia was a buxom young lass,                            
The best in the whole senior class,                         
Which did her classmates perplex;                           
Her secret was sex,                                         
'Cause she really was dumb as an ass!                       
                                                            
71005 WOMEN - STUPID                 Annie Mae Hentai    T9712



A nervous young woman called Fay                            
Always used to react with dismay                            
At a match being struck,                                    
Or the quack of a duck.                                     
"Hello, Fay!" made her faint clean away.                    
                                                            
71006 WOMEN - STUPID                 Michael Palin            



A nervous young lady named Hughes                           
Never knew quite what to choose.                            
The harder she'd try,                                       
The less she knew why,                                      
Or whether, and if so, then whose.                          
                                                            
71007 WOMEN - STUPID                 Michael Palin            



A fetching young maid was bombarded                         
By suitors whose pleas were discarded,                      
So they all got together                                    
Like birds of a feather,                                    
And resolved that the maid was retarded.                    
                                                            
71008 WOMEN - STUPID                 William K Alsop     P8808



The dumbest of Doras I've met                               
Are those who will, "Is it in yet?"                         
If they had but one brain                                   
They'd silent remain                                        
And puff-puff on their cigarette.                           
                                                            
71009 WOMEN - STUPID                 Irving Superior     P9003



You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!                       
A lonely and horny old geezer.                              
You need Christmas cheer;                                   
Go find you a dear                                          
Young girl who will then let you squeeze her!               
                                                            
71010 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



Occasionally when I am blue,                                
With nothing special to do,                                 
I stand on my head                                          
At the foot of the bed,                                     
And then shove my nose in my shoe.                          
                                                            
71011 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jean Fox                 



Though I plied her with drinks, my dumb doll                
Was scarcely affected at all.                               
Sometime later I groaned,                                   
"Have you ever been stoned?"                                
She said, "Yes, but the rocks were all small."              
                                                            
71012 WOMEN - STUPID                 Albin Chaplin  3024 P9008



A dumb dame once brought home a duck                        
And her neighbors were all thunder-struck.                  
One said, "What's with the pig?"                            
"It's a duck," she said, "Dig?"                             
"I was talking," he said, "to the duck."                    
                                                            
71013 WOMEN - STUPID                 Bob Giandomenico    P9003



My god, how that woman can talk!                            
She ate all her food, every stalk!                          
Yadda yadda blah blah,                                      
She just won't shut her maw;                                
Don't believe it...she's shrunk up my cock!                 
                                                            
71014 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



I once knew a girl who took teas                            
On the bank of the river called Tees                        
Without knickers.  The breeze                               
That played over her knees,                                 
She regarded as only a tease.                               
                                                            
71015 WOMEN - STUPID                 Anon                     



Some men I don't understand,                                
Or maybe my head's in the sand.                             
Full of sweet talk,                                         
They now take a walk,                                       
Once done playing with their gland.                         
                                                            
71016 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



Most of them I try to forget,                               
Like the mumps or a bad debt.                               
But there's still a few,                                    
My mind wanders to,                                         
That I think of with regret.                                
                                                            
71017 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



There once was a postman called Jack,                       
Who tied up his wife in a sack,                             
Because the old bag                                         
Did nothing but nag.                                        
YAKKITY YAKKITY YAK!                                        
                                                            
71018 WOMEN - STUPID                 Funfax Limericks         



I once had a girlfriend named Didi,                         
Whose eyes were so terribly beady.                          
The presents she got                                        
(and there were a lot)                                      
Weren't enough.  She was also quite greedy.                 
                                                            
71019 WOMEN - STUPID                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There once was a woman named Jane                           
With a soft and pliable brain.                              
When she went to the pool                                   
At her junior high school,                                  
They used her to plug up the drain.                         
                                                            
71020 WOMEN - STUPID                 Jim Weaver Collection    



There was a young lady named Holmes,                        
Who read poetry, prose, many tomes.                         
This stupid young floozy                                    
So dumb and so woozy,                                       
Thought 'Vice versa' meant dirty poems.                     
                                                            
71021 WOMEN - STUPID                 Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



Though her school had declared a snow day,                  
With blizzards and winds here to stay,                      
Faith worried, 'twas fake;                                  
That they'd made a mistake,                                 
So she'd wait for the bus, anyway!                          
                                                            
71022 WOMEN - STUPID                 Ed                       



Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!                             
Why is my sex drive going kaput?                            
Is it cause your so nice,                                   
Totally lacking in spice,                                   
When I crave a slut covered in soot?                        
                                                            
71023 WOMEN - STUPID                 Cruelty Jones            



One cell that is found in the brain                         
Is a pretty delusional drain.                               
When the neurons are firing                                 
And the legs are tiring,                                    
She needs energy to wash clothes with Gain!                 
                                                            
71024 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



A young hairdresser named Antoinette,                       
Was the best at wave, shampoo and set.                      
But to go every week,                                       
Caused their spouses to shreik:                             
"At her prices, you'll put me in debt!"                     
                                                            
71025 WOMEN - STUPID                 Arthur Pattaffy          



There was an old lady from Sace,                            
Who kept up a terrible pace.                                
To get her to stop,                                         
They had to air-drop                                        
A billboard in front of her face.                           
                                                            
71026 WOMEN - STUPID                                     T9707



There was an old lady of Rye                                
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.                          
To the household's disgust,                                 
She emerged through the crust                               
And exclaimed with a yawn, "Where am I?"                    
                                                            
71027 WOMEN - STUPID                 VOL 1                    



By the Nile, I feign that I'm calm;                         
I've been stood up, yet I sing with aplomb.                 
Here he comes -- It's my Laddy                              
Oh my God, it's my daddy!                                   
(No good comes from a date by the palm.)                    
                                                            
71028 WOMEN - STUPID                                          



A clique of dumb blondes raised three cheers                
That everyone present now hears.                            
For in only a fortnight,                                    
Assembled a puzzle right,                                   
And the box had said "Two to five years."                   
                                                            
71029 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Res Ipsa                 



In the fall, a young blond went absenter;                   
She was found at a drive-in theater.                        
She had froze to the wheel,                                 
And I now can reveal,                                       
She had gone to see: "Closed For The Winter."               
                                                            
71030 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Tiddy Ogg                



An air-headed blonde, that I knowed,                        
Got work painting lines on the road.                        
"Two miles a day,"                                          
The foreman did say,                                        
"'Swhat I want," and away that man strode.                  
                                                            
71031 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



Four miles she did the first day.                           
Next day, two. third day, one. "Honey, hey!                 
You started so well,                                        
But it's all gone to hell."                                 
"But the paint pot's now so far away."                      
                                                            
71032 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



The blondes are unfairly accused                            
Of being quite dumb and confused.                           
Such prejudiced poop                                        
'Bout a popular group                                       
Leaves them rightfully unamused.                            
                                                            
71033 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Observer                 



I don't know that stupid dumb chick,                        
With a brain as dense as a brick.                           
But me, I got hit                                           
Right there where I sit,                                    
By a Lyme infested deer tick.                               
                                                            
71034 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Carol                    



A young 'bottle-blonde' from the sticks                     
Sold her 'grandfather clock' to some hicks                  
For less than a dime.                                       
Said she, "It got 'Chime                                    
Disease' from, I think, all those ticks."                   
                                                            
71035 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



The blondes out there suffer rebuffs,                       
From dilettantes who say their stuff's                      
Not clever enough,                                          
But most of these muffs                                     
Have collars that don't match their cuffs.                  
(inelegant or priests? - McW)                               
71036 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Irish                    



Blondie was a lovable dame;                                 
Invited to a party and came.                                
She hid under a bed;                                        
A month later, she's dead,                                  
Winner of the "Hide and Seek" game.                         
                                                            
71037 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Ron Sartain              



I had breakfast of bagels and lox                           
With a dumb-blond at a Deli called Blochs.                  
I could not deduce                                          
Why she stared at the juice,                                
Till I saw 'concentrate' on the box.                        
                                                            
71038 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        H Myer             TP9806



A blonde who was hurt very deep                             
By jokes, thought her secret she'd keep.                    
She dyed her hair brown,                                    
Drove off out of town,                                      
Was stopped by a large flock of sheep.                      
                                                            
71039 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



She thought them so fluffy and sweet,                       
That she said to the shepherd boy, Pete,                    
"If their number I guess,                                   
That ought to impress,                                      
Will you give me just one as a treat?"                      
                                                            
71040 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



He said "Yes." She looked at them for                       
A minute, "Three hundred and four."                         
He looked in her eyes,                                      
With a show of surprise,                                    
"Go pick one out, dear, and it's yours."                    
                                                            
71041 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



She took from the edge of the pack,                         
A beast, but our Pete says "Now slack-                      
en off there, young maid.                                   
If I name the true shade                                    
Of your hair, can I have my dog back."                      
                                                            
71042 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



"Don't take off my earphones," she shout-                   
ed. "Do and I'll die, without doubt!"                       
Someone did. The blonde died.                               
He put 'em on, sighed,                                      
And heard: "Right, Breathe in, now breathe out..."          
                                                            
71043 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



When Jed took a blonde for a ride,                          
He heard "POW' -- so his brakes he applied;                 
She jumped out in a scat,                                   
Yelled "Your front tire is flat.                            
But don't worry -- just flat on one side."                  
                                                            
71044 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Travis Brasell           



A blonde was in line as it poured                           
Down rain when she heard, "Get aboard                       
If you want to ride."                                       
So, she went inside                                         
The shed where the timber was stored.                       
                                                            
71045 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



Going out when the spring wind was bold,                    
My coiffure needed hair spray to hold.                      
Grabbed a can off the table,                                
Not reading the label;                                      
Now my hair is a permanent gold.                            
                                                            
71046 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Dorothy Schrader    P9302



A Brockenhurst blonde girl named Cord,                      
Was standing there, just very bored,                        
In Watersplash Lane                                         
Since several days rain,                                    
And moodily gazed at the ford.                              
                                                            
71047 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Tiddy                    



Along came a bloke in a car,                                
As long as the Rose and Crown Bar.                          
He shouted, "Hey Honey!                                     
Don't want to be funny,                                     
But what depth of water's in thar?"                         
                                                            
71048 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Tiddy                    



She thought for a minute, said "Bless                       
My soul, dear, I'd say at a guess,                          
I reckon there be                                           
About two or three                                          
Odd inches, about, more or less.                            
                                                            
71049 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Tiddy                    



He drives on, but he's out of luck,                         
And right in the center he's stuck.                         
His engine's been drowned.                                  
Cordelia's frowned:                                         
"But it's just up to here on the duck."                     
                                                            
71050 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Tiddy                    



"That sound in my ears is still there,"                     
Cried Blondie, "and I'm in despair!"                        
Doc Ogg said, "My dear,                                     
The sound that you hear                                     
Is only the 'swoosh' of hot air."                           
                                                            
71051 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE                                 



Creatures that live in a pond                               
Have more brains that the brainiest blonde.                 
But who gives a shit                                        
If her body is fit,                                         
And she can't get enough of your wand?                      
                                                            
71052 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        PeterW                   



There was a young blond girl named Sue;                     
Progress was not in her view.                               
She was unsatisfactory                                      
At the M&M factory,                                         
For throwing away W's.                                      
                                                            
71053 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Will                     



By her car, a blond stood to complain:                      
"I've locked the car keys in again!                         
And the seats will be ruined,                               
'Cause a storm is a-brewin',                                
And the top's down, it's starting to rain!"                 
                                                            
71054 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Tiddy Ogg                



There is a young blonde who can jive,                       
She's perky, attractive, alive.                             
She's not one of those folks,                               
In these crude dumb blonde jokes,                           
She can add two plus two and get five.                      
                                                            
71055 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Bob Birch           P0311



The blonde put the phone to her ear;                        
Said, "Fireman, won't you come here."                       
The Fireman declares                                        
"How do I get there?"                                       
"In your big red fire truck, my dear."                      
                                                            
71056 WOMEN - STUPID - BLONDE        Tiddy Ogg                



At sixteen she yearned to seem twenty                       
With sophistication for plenty,                             
Mature, with allure,                                        
Assured, though demure,                                     
And acknowledged by all cognoscente.                        
                                                            
71057 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Laurence Perrine    P8503



She carried one egg in her basket.                          
The moral? You hardly need ask it.                          
She stumbled and broke                                      
Both the shell and the yolk.                                
"Don't put all your egg in one basket."                     
                                                            
71058 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Laurence Perrine    P9004



There's this junior high sex pot from Queens,               
Bubble gum, swivel hips, and blue jeans:                    
If you ply her with drink,                                  
She will fuck like a mink,                                  
And she's just barely into her teens.                       
                                                            
71059 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Armand E Singer       213



If truly the state law restricts                            
Playing doctor or brotherly licks,                          
I was surely a felon                                        
With my playmate Helen,                                     
Before we had reached age of six!                           
                                                            
71060 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



To covet thy neighbor's sweet daughter,                     
Is something that nobody oughter,                           
Unless she gets randy                                       
When offered some candy                                     
And says she's fifteen and a quarter.                       
                                                            
71061 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Peter Wilkins            



"Thou shalt not," says the Book with some brass,            
"Covet now thy neighbor's ass."                             
It says naught of his daughter,                             
So next time that you spot her,                             
Just head straight for her tight wet crevasse.              
                                                            
71062 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Jeanie                   



Fifteen and a quarter's too young;                          
'Round these parts, you'd get yourself hung!                
At sixteen you see,                                         
The ladies are free                                         
To place your hard cock on their tongue.                    
                                                            
71063 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Dudesdead                



A lustful young student from Keene,                         
Although she was only fifteen,                              
Had encounted the tool                                      
Of each boy in the school,                                  
And some members of staff in between.                       
                                                            
71064 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Hugh Oliver         A079B



There was a young girl from Winder                          
Whose mother could not ever find her.                       
With the girls she would stray                              
And with them she'd play,                                   
But the boys were always behind her.                        
                                                            
71065 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



"My daughter need learning," Said Fabies.                   
"Unwed at fourteen had twin babies.                         
For the stupid young kid,                                   
Didn't know what she did.                                   
She thought that the stork brought the babies."             
                                                            
71066 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Clarence E. Boyle   P9003



Elizabeth's married to Jim,                                 
For so long she's looked after him.                         
The least he can do                                         
Now she's turned 22,                                        
Is pander to her every whim.                                
                                                            
71067 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



A hillbilly jilly named Pearl                               
Said, "If I was a man, not a girl,                          
I'd risk trips to jail                                      
To play tag with MY tail,                                   
Till it made the fur growing there curl!"                   
                                                            
71068 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Grand Prix Lim  544      



In her clothes that her mom and I bought her,               
She looks unlike my little daughter.                        
She's not into toys,                                        
She's wooing the boys.                                      
I swear, they're like lambs led to slaughter.               
                                                            
71069 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Rusty Smith              



At thirteen, Carmen earned her degree                       
In Tae Kwon Do mastery.                                     
If boys get too wise,                                       
She'll cut them to size.                                    
It takes all the pressure off me!                           
                                                            
71070 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Rusty Smith              



She's gentle and sweet, there's no doubt.                   
Academics is what she's about.                              
Without cracking books                                      
And no second looks,                                        
She's ace-ing her tests. That's some clout!                 
                                                            
71071 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Rusty Smith              



Young Lacy is quite into frogs;                             
She's raising her own pollywogs.                            
She'll name them and kiss 'em.                              
You really can't miss 'em,                                  
They're pictured on all of her togs.                        
                                                            
71072 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Rusty Smith              



Our Lacey is quite an artist.                               
In sculpture, she captures the gist                         
Of subjects she's making.                                   
They're very breath taking!                                 
I think she could sculpt out of mist.                       
                                                            
71073 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Rusty Smith              



This girl's into Tae Kwon Do, too;                          
She has just one more test, then through.                   
But her defense is lacking,                                 
She's out there attacking.                                  
She turns her opponents to stew.                            
                                                            
71074 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Rusty Smith              



When you take the young girls to the forum,                 
You must act with restraint and decorum.                    
In your speech be discreet                                  
And your dress must be neat;                                
It will do you no good if you bore 'em.                     
                                                            
71075 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Albin Chaplin   3024-2056



Young Debbie is dancing the limbo;                          
Don't care she's a bit of a bimbo.                          
I just like to watch                                        
As she wriggles her crotch,                                 
`Neath the bar with her thighs all akimbo.                  
                                                            
71076 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



"Akimbo!"  Now there's a position                           
All ladies should do with ambition;                         
And most of them could,                                     
If ever they would                                          
Consult with a good dietitian.                              
                                                            
71077 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



This occurred to me, has it to you?                         
Well, it probably has to a few.                             
Would we all share the blame                                
lf we'd plan to rename                                      
Young green pears and call them ingenue?                    
                                                            
71078 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               L C Fitz            P0209



"Catch 'em young, treat 'em rough, tell 'em nothing,"       
Said the song, and though prudes may be cussing             
To give 'em your brawn                                      
At puberty's dawn,                                          
Will save much expense and much fussing.                    
                                                            
71079 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Tiddy Ogg                



On the night of Helene's graduation,                        
In the car, we caused much excitation.                      
We did things obscene,                                      
But she was sixteen,                                        
And today I must face litigation.                           
                                                            
71080 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Al Willis           P9605



Pandora wears tiny white socks,                             
Wee panties and minuscule frocks.                           
She giggles and teases                                      
Us middle-aged geezers,                                     
By flashing her sweet little box.                           
                                                            
71081 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Peter Wilkins            



With many a virginal teen                                   
I've verged on the bloody obscene.                          
Sweet little dears                                          
Wet behind the ears,                                        
And between their legs...fresh and green.                   
                                                            
71082 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



Picking cotton with teenaged Ms. Smits,                     
I noticed a tuft where she sits.                            
"From what I can view, you                                  
You ave fuzz on your tutu."                                 
"I know, and I'm getting small tits!"                       
                                                            
71083 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Hugh Clary               



In one's youth, son, I quite understand                     
It's hard to withstand sense demand;                        
A girl who is charming                                      
May be very disarming,                                      
But don't let her get out of hand.                          
                                                            
71084 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Laurence Perrine    P8503



Teen sexpot! The men who have seen her                      
All dream of a session betweeen her                         
Young thighs -- and then quail                              
At the prospect that they'll                                
Stand charged with a clear misdemeanor.                     
                                                            
71085 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Norm Storer         P9808



My mother said I never should,                              
With gypsy girls play in the wood.                          
But like any kid,                                           
That's just what I did,                                     
And did things that I never would.                          
                                                            
71086 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



Miss Pinky is getting a do,                                 
While munching a yummy or two.                              
The barber said, "Pinky!                                    
You've got hair on your Twinkie!"                           
"I know! And I'm getting tits too!"                         
                                                            
71087 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               OgniGioia                



Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw                             
Were ogling young girls on a see-saw;                       
For once, to his credit,                                    
The Judge said: "Forget it!                                 
That's jailbait, both here and in Utah!"                    
                                                            
71088 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



There once was a man from Nevada                            
Who was caught at the Hotel Ramada,                         
Exploring the womb                                          
Of a girl in his room,                                      
Of an age of which he ought notta.                          
                                                            
71089 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               MrMalo                   



I'm sick of young girls aged eleven,                        
Although they can take you to heaven.                       
But what really is bad                                      
And makes me so sad,                                        
Is they have to be in bed by seven!                         
                                                            
71090 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               CyberCelt           T9710



I'm one of your younger pre-teens;                          
So long bubble gum, jelly beans;                            
My headlights are budding,                                  
My innards are flooding,                                    
The boys - they want into my jeans.                         
                                                            
71091 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Armand Singer       P0101



Hey Prousty, that young Madeleine,                          
Is way under age, nine or ten.                              
Although it's quite pleasant,                               
The law, at the present,                                    
Will soon have you thrown in the pen.                       
                                                            
71092 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



I have a good friend who's called Dale,                     
Who said he was dating young Gail.                          
I said, "Don't wait till morning,                           
Please heed my Gail warning,                                
She's young enough to send you to jail!"                    
                                                            
71093 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Arthur Pattaffy          



I've just seen my neighbor's sweet daughter;                
She's wearing far less than she ought ter;                  
And full of self loathing,                                  
(Like hell) in sheep's clothing,                            
I'm thinking of "lamb to the slaughter."                    
                                                            
71094 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Peter Wilkins            



Fourteen and so cute is young Jane;                         
She's been flashing her pussy again.                        
Though I doubt she'd say no                                 
To a screw or a hoe,                                        
'Til she's older I think I'll abstain.                      
                                                            
71095 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



I hope not to sound like a scoffer,                         
But a hoe isn't something to offer                          
A teasy young Jane                                          
Who's never been lain ...                                   
Perhaps a suggestion to quaff her?                          
                                                            
71096 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



At the family evening meal,                                 
Their precocious ninth-grader Lucille,                      
Said "In science today                                      
I pulled down an A.                                         
We learned all about sex there. Big deal!"                  
                                                            
71097 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               A N Wilkins         P8502



For me the young girls do the trick;                        
Elsewhere the fed's say I'm so sick.                        
But I started quite young.                                  
Ever since, young girls, yum!                               
Just look, but don't touch, it's a bitch!                   
                                                            
71098 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



"I fear I'm too young for a dibble,"                        
Smiled sweet and adorable Sybil,                            
"But since I can see                                        
How upstanding you be,                                      
Would you mind if I gave it a nibble?"                      
                                                            
71099 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               CM                       



But what should a gentleman say                             
To such a sweet offer?  "Okay?"                             
Or "Thank you, dear Sybil,                                  
I'd sure love a nibble."                                    
Or "Give it some welly, wa-hey!"                            
                                                            
71100 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               CM                       



If Sybil's too young for a dibble,                          
Can she really be ripe for a nibble?                        
And can I infer                                             
If you stand up for her,                                    
Would my aged Aunt Jane make you dribble?                   
                                                            
71101 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller              



Now, don't say Aunt Jane is beneath                         
What tiddy can find on the heath.                           
She isn't quite dead,                                       
And expert on head,                                         
And best when she takes out her teeth.                      
                                                            
71102 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller              



But the question that goes to my belly                      
And drags me away from the telly                            
And prompts me to write                                     
This late in the night                                      
Is: "What in the Hell is a 'welly'?"                        
                                                            
71103 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller              



A welly?  Why you old gallot,                               
That's a rubbery kind of a boot.  (Wellington?)             
You may think it's queer,                                   
But it feels like the rear                                  
Of a sheep that is stuck in the chute!                      
                                                            
71104 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               CM                       



Well, that kind of welly, Okay.                             
(Fun used with a sheep...so they say.                       
But its used with a ewe                                     
Has a lot to do                                             
With "Give it some welly, wa-hey!"?                         
                                                            
71105 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller              



It's alleged that the shepherds of Wales                    
Take innocent lambs by the tails,                           
Slip their legs in the boots                                
While inserting their roots,                                
While ignoring the bleats and the wails.                    
                                                            
71106 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller              



A frank sex offender named Vail                             
Confessed to his love for young tail:                       
"I can't get enough                                         
Of that wonderful stuff"                                    
(No wonder the judge refused bail).                         
                                                            
71107 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Armand E Singer       901



As our teen-ager's cup-size increased,                      
All parental authority ceased.                              
When asked what she'd say                                   
To "Move out or Obey!"                                      
She replied, "I won't mind in the least."                   
                                                            
71108 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Laurence Perrine    P9402



A loose-moralled fellow at Yale                             
Worked his will on an underage frail.                       
The gal was beguiled,                                       
And was gotten with child,                                  
And he's be transferred to a jail.                          
                                                            
71109 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                   G1630



This guy screwed a virginal chick;                          
He thought he was one clever dick.                          
He may well have been,                                      
But the chick was fifteen.                                  
Now this clever dick is in the nick!                        
                                                            
71110 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Alexander Baron          



Ezekiel conceived it expedient,                             
When he found the teen girly obedient,                      
To lure her to bed...                                       
Later weeping, she said,                                    
"Zeke, to HELL with your secret ingredient!"                
                                                            
71111 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Grand Prix Lim  569      



There once was a girl name Melissa,                         
Who said for a dollar, I'll kiss ya.                        
But I'm only fifteen,                                       
So you won't soon be seen;                                  
You'll be going to jail, for I'll miss ya!                  
                                                            
71112 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John P Pearce            



She's only 16 and she's learning                            
How much her young body is yearning                         
For masculine meat,                                         
So she's always on heat                                     
With a lustful unquenchable burning.                        
                                                            
71113 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



There once was a whore named Irene,                         
With the nicest tits I'd ever seen.                         
Her cunt was a treasure;                                    
I'd lick it forever;                                        
Today she is turning thirteen!                              
                                                            
71114 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



I think that it's most catastrophic                         
To answer in terms philosophic,                             
When cute female teens                                      
Inquire what life means;                                    
For then, we should simply be boffic.                       
                                                            
71115 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Travis Brasell           



Beware of these young Aphrodites,                           
True juvenile morsels in nighties,                          
For deep down within,                                       
They're phony as sin --                                     
Not gold but just iron pyrites.                             
                                                            
71116 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Armand E Singer       487



A certain young rascal from Bister,                         
Told the court of a girl--how he'd kissed her.              
But he did not divulge                                      
That he caused the bulge                                    
In the front of her underage sister.                        
                                                            
71117 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                   G1638



My daughter has been downright charming;                    
Her manner quite smooth and disarming.                      
Since she's in her teens,                                   
I'm afraid that this means                                  
That there's something she's done, quite alarming.          
                                                            
71118 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller              



What she's done is no more than the norm,                   
Like crotchless panties to wear to the prom,                
Or piercing her clit,                                       
Or tattooing her tit;                                       
Just drink heavy and ride out the storm.                    
                                                            
71119 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               S C Saint                



Angelina, Timothy's sibling,                                
At night often dreams of his nibbling                       
Her tiny wee nips                                           
And her pretty pink lips,                                   
'Til her sweet little pussy is dribbling.                   
                                                            
71120 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Peter Wilkins            



Poor Laura went to the latrine                              
And there she saw something obscene.                        
A size sixteen rubber                                       
Cause Laura to blubber.                                     
Ah Laura! A real prissy-teen.                               
                                                            
71121 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Dohner         P8812



There was a hot blooded young male                          
Whose weakness was "San Quentin Quail."                     
"On a sexual bender                                         
I like my tail tender."                                     
Said the male from the San Quentin Jail...                  
                                                            
71122 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Grand Prix Lim  525      



There once was a workshop and school,                       
That was so incredibly cool.                                
We surfed the net,                                          
Incurred some debt,                                         
Got naked and jumped in the pool.                           
                                                            
71123 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



If you find yourself to be cresting,                        
Into some young girl who's just breasting,                  
Handle with care                                            
While she is bare,                                          
So as not to be accused of molesting.                       
                                                            
71124 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



They hang out a lot in the mall,                            
These kids who lack wherewithal.                            
One had a child,                                            
And that child middle-aisled,                               
And they now share the Barbie Doll.                         
                                                            
71125 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Al Willis           P9508



A pre-teen CT I knew, ge'me                                 
Aroused; I'd be stuck that way, semi-                       
Perpendicular-                                              
Ly; I would tickular                                        
Bod, but she still wouldn't lemme!                          
                                                            
71126 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Robin K. Willoughby P8412



A sexy teenager named Gail                                  
May make you an offer of tail,                              
But this represents                                         
The sort of offence                                         
That gets you six months in our jail.                       
                                                            
71127 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Armand E Singer       957



The girl from next door, Miss Correnti,                     
Often comes by and riles me up plenty.                      
But Peter, my bookie,                                       
Says, "Pass on that nooky,                                  
'Cause sixteen just might get you twenty."                  
                                                            
71128 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller 0306         



Assume nothing, I've learned to my sorrow,                  
About beauties whose time you would borrow.                 
I've just heard one say,                                    
"I had fun today,                                           
And guess what!  I'll be sixteen tomorrow!"                 
                                                            
71129 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               John Miller              



Grade six was a tough act to pass,                          
As the goal of our lives was good ass.                      
We now sadly say:                                           
Where was Mary Kay?                                         
When her charm was so needed in class.                      
                                                            
71130 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               The Sailor          P0308



A certain fine rounder named Hale                           
Just spent over two years in jail                           
For sparking some silly                                     
Young chick in North Philly                                 
And stuffing her tunnel with tail.                          
                                                            
71131 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Armand E Singer       412



A body with those curves and dips;                          
A mouth with those gorgeous red lips.                       
The teenaged boys drool                                     
And they lose their cool                                    
When that mouth from soda straws sips.                      
                                                            
71132 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Marlene Lewis            



Skin just like rose petals in dew.                          
Boys sit there enjoying the view.                           
One boy sidles near;                                        
Into a sweet ear                                            
Says, "Baby am I hard for you!"                             
                                                            
71133 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Marlene Lewis            



"You're one of the fortunate few;                           
I'm willing to give you a screw.                            
The eyes turn and blink                                     
And give a sly wink --                                      
He answers "I'm hard for you, too!"                         
                                                            
71134 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Marlene Lewis            



A girl, much too young, but her bust is                     
Sure making me horny, and lust is                           
Consuming my head,                                          
To get her in bed:                                          
Her name is Miss Carriage, of Justice.                      
                                                            
71135 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Travis Brasell           



Now dear, I blush to confess                                
I exaggerate; nevertheless                                  
I've a neighbour whose daughter's                           
Eighteen and three-quarters,                                
Another whose daughter is less.                             
                                                            
71136 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



Sweet Anna-Marie is a year                                  
Or so younger than Katie I hear;                            
But they're terrible flirts                                 
Who wear minuscule skirts                                   
And they both call me "Grandad" I fear.                     
                                                            
71137 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



Young women these days are appalling;                       
There's all that promiscuous balling.                       
They troll in the bars;                                     
Smoke twelve dollar cigars!                                 
I'm over the hill...Ain't it galling!                       
                                                            
71138 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



On second thought, it's not too late                        
To make it with some pubescent date.                        
For with the Viagra pill,                                   
My flaccid member will                                      
Transform to a turgid Potentate!                            
                                                            
71139 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Hungarian                



There once was a girl named Magruder                        
who had an affair with her tutor.                           
She told her dad                                            
And he got very mad                                         
When he found out the tutor had screwed her.                
                                                            
71140 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Jim Weaver Collection    



I like 'em young, virile, and alive.                        
The younger the better to dive.                             
If there's grass let's PLAY BALL!!                          
Yes, just fuck them all.                                    
If your caught though, you'll serve twenty-five.            
                                                            
71141 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                        



Our dear daughter has no need to roam.                      
She just turned thirteen, the sweet gnome.                  
To her we extol                                             
Values of birth control,                                    
And insist that she screw just at home.                     
                                                            
71142 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Loren C. Fitzhugh   P9508



Catch 'em young, treat 'em rough, tell 'em nuffin;,         
They are bound to delight in some muffin'.                  
Go teach 'em to please                                      
While down on their knees,                                  
Until they are ripe for some stuffin'.                      
                                                            
71143 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Tiddy                    



Men been doin' that stuff for years!                        
Been pattin' rears, givin' us leers.                        
We wish when you came                                       
You'd improve your aim --                                   
That's why we're still wet 'hind the ears.                  
                                                            
71144 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Marlene Lewis            



There once was a paragon, Pearl;                            
My word, what an exquisite girl!                            
Her acquaintances said,                                     
"When she's grown-up she'll wed                             
A prosperous duke or an earl!"                              
                                                            
71145 WOMEN - UNDERAGE               Langford Reed     (Bibby)



There's San Quentin Quail out in droves,                    
With fuzzy cunts hotter than stoves.                        
If mounted with care,                                       
There's no cunt can compare                                 
With those hot, underage treasure troves!                   
(San Quentin is a prison in the San Francisco Bay Area)     
71146 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                   G0568



If you like your cunt young, tight, and tender,             
For a really wild sexual bender,                            
You'll find the best tail                                   
Is on San Quentin Quail,                                    
So pick up a young chick and up-ender.                      
                                                            
71147 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                   G0569



Seeing San Quentin Quail in the nude,                       
Makes senile old peckers protrude,                          
That have dangled for years;                                
Such effects, it appears,                                   
Makes us Dirty Old Men--also lewd.                          
                                                            
71148 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                   G0570



She proved to be San Quentin Quail                          
When bed-spread by the hot-blooded male.                    
She said, "My name is Nita--                                
It isn't Lolita--                                           
But it gets you the same time in Jail!"                     
                                                            
71149 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                   G0571



Us sailors swear naught will swerve us,                     
From gang-shagging luscious Miss Purvis.                    
I've the yen, but I fail                                    
When I think about jail;                                    
That San Quentin Quail makes me nervous.                    
                                                            
71150 WOMEN - UNDERAGE                                   G0572



A chap was so pose that was adi,                            
And the butt of such nage that was badi.                    
He solved that was re,                                      
Not to lay that was de,                                     
In taking steps cal that were radi.                         
                                                            
71151 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Shaw              



A dashing young fellow from Alder,                          
Used to spiel such a pure like of folder-                   
O-leary-o-lie,                                              
Our maid would near die.                                    
But time passed and his dash became balder.                 
                                                            
71152 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            John Ciardi              



A nice pot of gold that was mari,                           
Belonged to a dan that was harri.                           
When some cals who were ras,                                
Filled their kets which were bas,                           
She put up a cade which was barri.                          
                                                            
71153 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Shaw              



There once was a wolf that was were;                        
His lifestyle, so free that was care.                       
No silver sile that was mis                                 
Caused his missal that was dis "                            
Done in by a hug that was bear.                             
                                                            
71154 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Deex         P0402



Bennett Cerf, whose ferences were pre                       
For the pun, often lighted was de                           
With novations all in                                       
Which had ger which was gin                                 
Like the limerick which headed was be.                      
                                                            
71155 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            A N Wilkins       P8606  



A reckless young head who was knuckle,                      
Refusing to up, as in buckle,                               
Passed an end which was dead,                               
Landing first which was head                                
In a berry bush known to be huckle.                         
                                                            
71156 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Jerry Nordal       P0310 



A ducer named Dave who was pro                              
Did a remake of boat that was Show.                         
Two maids who were bar                                      
Got ing roles that were star                                
When they gave Dave good jobs that were blow.               
                                                            
71157 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Michael Weinstein   P9404



A pilot from Bora that's Bora                               
At Pearl Harbor yelled Tora that's Tora.                    
At this boo that was boo                                    
He went ckoo that is cu,                                    
And now's hiding in Bora that's Tora.                       
                                                            
71158 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Jerry Nordal & Deex P0312



Said Sadam's dear ma who was ma,                            
"Now don't you act ga which is ga,                          
When you fight the Great Satan                              
Have clean BVDs waitin',                                    
Lest your shorts fill with ca that is ca."                  
                                                            
71159 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Deex         P0402



A certain young pate who was addle,                         
Rode a horse he alleged to be saddle.                       
But his gust which was dis                                  
For his haps which were mis                                 
Sent him back to his lac which was Cadil.                   
                                                            
71160 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Shaw              



A grower of snips that were par,                            
Had a very strange den that was gar.                        
His ments that were orna,                                   
Held ments that were tourna,                                
To eat the most rots that were car!                         
                                                            
71161 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            arcanumcafe         P0312



When riding a coaster that's roller,                        
I wear my old hat which is bowler,                          
Lest my on that's complexi                                  
Looks can that is Mexi,                                     
To protect from a flare that is solar.                      
                                                            
71162 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Deex         P0401



My mechanic's so hazard that's hap.                         
He attempted, quite dash which was slap,                    
A small up which was tune                                   
On my buggy that's dune.                                    
Now it sits in a yard which is scrap.                       
                                                            
71163 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Jerry Nordal        P0311



Teach your doggy to have that is be,                        
Said the lady from attle that's Se.                         
'Cause your py that is pup,                                 
Your guests sets that's up,                                 
When he sniffs at their hinds that are be.                  
                                                            
71164 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arnie Schoenbrun    P0402



When Kipling wrote Din that is Gunga,                       
Do you think he wore rees that were dunga,                  
Sipped on bon that was bour,                                
And smoked oots that were cher,                             
In a cozy old low that was bunga?                           
                                                            
71165 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Jerry Nordal        P0402



In gonia once which was Pata,                               
A clysm occurred which was cata.                            
A gineer that was en                                        
Lost his ture that was den,                                 
In a torium there that was nata.                            
(natatorium - swimming pool)                                
71166 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Shaw              



Being swayed by a maker that's match,                       
He's no longer a lor who is bache.                          
Now his quests which are re,                                
To be duced which is se,                                    
Are answered with, "Ance which is fatch."                   
                                                            
71167 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Jerry Nordal        P0312



A budget I knew who was flutter                             
Lived the life of a fly which was butter.                   
But ker which was po                                        
And girls that were show                                    
Turned him into a snipe that was gutter.                    
(in Bennet Cerf's Out On A Limerick)                        
71168 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Shaw         P9303



Out of town on a doggle that's boon,                        
A salesman drank shine which was moon                       
At a tease which was strip,                                 
Ogling ples which were nip                                  
And plenty of tang which was poon                           
                                                            
71169 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Jerry Nordal        P0401



At a bar called the Stop, that is Pit,                      
We all had ing laughs, that were side-split.                
When some cake who was fruit                                
In a suit that was zoot,                                    
Stepped into the toon that was spit.                        
                                                            
71170 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Michael Weinstein   P0402



I once had a ther that was bro.                             
Liked girls whose fessional was pro.                        
He ewed-scray many                                          
For pess than a lenny.                                      
And became quite torious, no?                               
                                                            
71171 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED                                     



In gonia once which was Pata,                               
A clysm occurred which was cata.                            
A gineer that was en                                        
Lost his ture that was den,                                 
In a torium there that was nata.                            
                                                            
71172 WORDPLAY - BEHEADED            Arthur Shaw         P0401



There once were five guys named Al:                         
Kane, Kene, Kyne, de Hyde and Cohol.                        
Kane, Kene, Kyne were confused,                             
Al Cohol was abused,                                        
And de Hyde was hung on de wall.                            
                                                            
71173 WORDPLAY - FAMILY                                       



Three Aldis and not one of them dim,                        
Were Garib and Frescob and Grim.                            
One played and one clowned,                                 
And the other's renowned                                    
For a biscuit that's named after him.                       
                                                            
71174 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Joyce Johnson            



Three scribblers whose names end in Bert,                   
Gil,  Her, and Flau are inert.                              
Gil wrote silly songs,                                      
Her satirized wrongs,                                       
And Flau was once set for School Cert.                      
                                                            
71175 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              C. Vita-Finzi            



My family tree's a grab bag.                                
If I told you, you'd probably gag.                          
The brigands and whores                                     
Who came to these shores,                                   
Prevent me from trying to brag.                             
                                                            
71176 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Al Willis           P9509



The Cocks are a colorful three,                             
There's Hitch and there's Poppy and Pea;                    
The Pea is a bird;                                          
The Poppy's absurd,                                         
And the Hitch kills his victims with glee.                  
                                                            
71177 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Hugh Clary               



Another fine Cock trio batch,                               
Is Shuttle and Weather and Spatch.                          
Weather swings in the breeze;                               
Shuttle clears nets with ease,                              
And Spatch is not six weeks from hatch.                     
                                                            
71178 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Ward Hardman             



Of the oft-storied family named Stein,                      
We've met Gertrude, and Ep, also Ein,                       
But lest we forget,                                         
There's another one yet --                                  
A limerick fanatic called Wein.                             
(limerick author named Michael Weinstein)                   
71179 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Robin K. Willoughby P8507



The Las are an interesting folk,                            
St. Nicho has his great poke.                               
Stell Dal was on air,                                       
But none can compare                                        
To the brownies of Alice B. Tok!                            
                                                            
71180 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              John Roberts        P9302



Three wonderful people called Ley;                          
There's Hen and there's Bench and there's Hea.              
Hen wrote jingoistic verse,                                 
Bench wrote Jaws, which is worse,                           
And the less said the better of Hea.                        
                                                            
71181 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Tim Hopkins              



Each Lon was a notable man:                                 
Greek So, French Vil, and Brit Scan.                        
So made people think,                                       
Vil was put in the clink,                                   
And the plebs made a Lord out of Scan.                      
                                                            
71182 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              L. G. Udall              



The Mans have Tru, Good, and Bee.                           
Young Margaret grew up on Tru's knee.                       
To Good's music we hum                                      
While chewing Bee's gum;                                    
So each had his fame, don't you see.                        
                                                            
71183 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Harry Rubin         P9302



"My girlfriend wants me to ski,"                            
Said the flabby young cellist, "but Gee!                    
With Stravinsky, Stokowski,                                 
Mussorgsky, Tchaikovsky,                                    
That's quite enough skiing for me."                         
                                                            
71184 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Linda Marsh Coll         



Than the Mites there is no family finer;                    
There's Ere and Bedla and Dyna.                             
The Ere likes cavs                                          
while the Bedla likes raves,                                
And Dyna blows miners to China.                             
                                                            
71185 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Hugh Clary               



How varied the family Sen!                                  
For instance, Sun Yat, Ib and Jen.                          
Sun Yat changed Cathay,                                     
Ib wrote play after play,                                   
And Jen played and changed the Top Ten.                     
                                                            
71186 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Roy Fuller               



The Sky's are a pitiful lot,                                
There's Chom, and there's Spas, and there's Trot.           
Trot chose the wrong lobby,                                 
Spas flunked out to Bobby,                                  
And the structures of Chom are all rot.                     
                                                            
71187 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Bob Scott                



A clan of renown is the Son;                                
There's Thomp, Ty and Ben -- men of fun.                    
Thomp turns out great choppers,           (machine guns)    
Ty was busted by coppers,                                   
And Hedges and Ben you should shun.                         
                                                            
71188 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Arthur Deex         P9302



There's a notable family named Stein,                       
There's Gertrude, there's Ep, and there's Ein.              
Gert's prose is the bunk,                                   
Ep's sculpture is junk,                                     
And no one understands Ein.                                 
                                                            
71189 WORDPLAY - FAMILY                                       



In tracing my family tree,                                  
I first paid the fifty buck fee.                            
(For fifty bucks more,                                      
The nice lady swore,                                        
It's Garden of Eden for me!)                                
                                                            
71190 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Irving Superior          



"I come from a long line of trans-                          
Vestite headwaiters," said Vance.                           
Dad dishes out meals                                        
In a tight skirt and heels;                                 
Gramps wears halters and velvet hot pants.                  
                                                            
71191 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              Michael Weinstein        



Three wonderful people called Wick:                         
There's War and there's Chad and there's Pick.              
War said, "Kings, come on!"                                 
Chad found the nuetron,                                     
And all the world knows Mr. Pick.                           
                                                            
71192 WORDPLAY - FAMILY              A. M. Sayers             



A bard whose louse rhymed, for a price (cents),             
Was arrested, and thought them not nice (gents).            
Who must have been joking                                   
To say, "We're revoking                                     
Your permit for poetic lice (nse)."                         
(claiming to be the first and only hyper-limerick)          
71193 WORDPLAY - HYPER               Cybergeezer              



A thesp, playing farmer Tim Dart (wich)                     
Was arrested while taking the part (ridge)                  
Which he'd shot on location.                                
He confessed at the station,                                
"It was wrong of me, firing that cart (ridge)."             
                                                            
71194 WORDPLAY - HYPER               Mark Wainwright          



"From the day that my service began,"                       
Explained an old soldier named Dan,                         
"From Berlin to Peking                                      
I was only one thing --                                     
An ARMY INTELLIGENCE man."                                  
                                                            
71195 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           A. N. Wilkins       P8809



ATHLETIC and SCHOLARSHIP are                                
Exact words, that are on a par                              
With pepper and salt,                                       
Or proceed and halt.                                        
Use one and the other you bar.                              
                                                            
71196 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



A prospective young football recruit                        
Asked a coach for the college at Butte                      
How long would it be                                        
Till he got his degree                                      
By the ATHLETIC SCHOLARSHIP route.                          
                                                            
71197 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           A. N. Wilkins       P8809



A pretty young coed from Hood                               
Always behaved as she should                                
Till a big-time fraternity                                  
Risked collective paternity                                 
And then rated her as AWFULLY GOOD.                         
                                                            
71198 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Arthur Deex         P8807



One cardinal of the consistory                              
Maintains he can clear up the mystery                       
Of where Cain found a wife                                  
To comfort his life,                                        
By deciphering BIBLICAL HISTORY.                            
                                                            
71199 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           A. N. Wilkins       P8809



Contradictory terms, it is true,                            
Tend to baffle me.  How about you?                          
Sabbath Day prohibitions                                    
Which save us from perdition,                               
As is off color speech, both termed "blue."                 
                                                            
71200 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Loren Fitzhugh      P0108



BUSINESS ETHICS may be                                      
A terribly hard thing to see.                               
But if you will squint,                                     
And read the fine print,                                    
It's there, but quite small, you'll agree.                  
                                                            
71201 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



A bumbling priest, Father Tucker,                           
Was known as a screw-up, a mucker!                          
The boys in his class                                       
Were a tad bit more crass,                                  
They called him "The CELIBATE FUCKER!"                      
                                                            
71202 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Ann Gasser          P8809



She can be deceptive and smart.                             
She can have a treacherous beart.                           
To think she is pure                                        
Is just horse manure,                                       
Because there is no CHERRY TART.                            
                                                            
71203 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



For CHRISTIAN and SCIENCE to fuse                           
Would truly be lead story news.                             
But it seems to me                                          
That it's got to be,                                        
Just one or the other, you chose.                           
                                                            
71204 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



If CIVIL type SERVICE you crave,                            
Just stand there in line, and behave.                       
They service a sow,                                         
A mare, and a cow,                                          
In that very way, so be brave.                              
                                                            
71205 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



When I'm left by a poem unsure                              
Of its meaning, I feel insecure.                            
Am I or the poet                                            
To blame I don't know it?                                  C
Cheers! Here's one that's CLEARLY OBSCURE!                  
                                                            
71206 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Laurence Perrine    P8809



A belle that I fell for, named Nell,                        
Declared, "I'm not feeling too well."                       
She was freezing her tush                                   
'Neath the gooseberry bush                                  
Because it had turned COLD as HELL!                         
                                                            
71207 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           John Dohner         P8809



Her mother did something quite mindless.                    
She said that if Caroline dined less,                       
She'd have more time to fast                                
And get thinner at last.                                    
Cried Caroline, "What a CRUEL KINDNESS!"                    
                                                            
71208 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           John Dohner         P8809



"Although I should not really care,"                        
Observed a French prof from Eau Claire,                     
"I'm depressed that a friend                                
And a linguist should send                                  
A note FROM THE DESK OF THE CHAIR."                         
                                                            
71209 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           A. N. Wilkins       P8809



After fishing they counted the cod                          
They had caught using net, reel, and rod.                   
Husbands caught 3, 5, and 7,                                
Wives 9, 10, and 11;                                        
All thought the range strange, EVEN ODD.                    
                                                            
71210 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Laurence Perrine    P8809



Tight is -- what you want in a twat.                        
Tight is -- what you hate in a sot.                         
It don't take a Wiz                                         
To know what tight is,                                      
What FEDERAL BUDGETS -- are not!                            
                                                            
71211 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



Uncle James was an old, FOXY MORON,                         
(An incarnate, alive oxymoron).                             
If a stamp didn't stick                                     
When he gave it a lick,                                     
He'd pour of epoxy some more on.                            
                                                            
71212 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Laurence Perrine    P8809



The results are deadly and dire,                            
A hole in the ground or a pyre.                             
Who shot the gun,                                           
In anger or fun,                                            
Determines if it's FRIENDLY FIRE.                           
                                                            
71213 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



A virgin who came from Van Nuys                             
Once put out for all of the guys.                           
As one tired brother                                        
Remarked to the others,                                     
"That was some FUCKING VIRGIN, huh guys?"                   
                                                            
71214 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Michael Weinstein   P8809



Our late mayor, who was queer to the end,                   
Caught AIDS from a casual friend.                           
In the Times his obit                                       
Said "Mayor's funeral a hit --                              
Ten thousand GAY MOURNERS attend"                           
                                                            
71215 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Arthur Deex         P8809



"I ordered a sofa," he coughed,                             
"To replace the one in the loft,                            
Which was scarred, and too hard;                            
But this too, is marred,                                    
Its cushions are stiff -- HARDLY SOFT."                     
                                                            
71216 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Laurence Perrine    P8809



Through a clerical error in space                           
Mick was shipped up to heaven and grace.                    
When issued his wings,                                      
He cried, "How it swings!                                   
This HEAVEN's one HELL of a place."                         
                                                            
71217 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Laurence Perrine    P8809



On oxymoron I must dwell                                    
Till something clever rings a bell.                         
And when it does, I plan                                    
To write five lines that scan,                              
Or Art will give me HOLY HELL.                              
                                                            
71218 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Irving Superior     P8809



In the vestry a preacher named Slater                       
Was screwing some cute young tomato.                        
When he saw his wife Britt,                                 
He exclaimed, "HOLY SHIT!"                                  
And he caught HOLY HELL from her later.                     
                                                            
71219 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Michael Weinstein   P8809



To free Zion from bondage, he swore                         
That he'd attack paynim and Moor                            
And continue to work                                        
To slaughter the Turk                                       
To bring triumph in God's HOLY WAR.                         
                                                            
71220 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           A. N. Wilkins       P8809



What LEGISLATIVE LEADERSHIP does                            
Is give power brokers a buzz.                               
To check and to see                                         
If old P.G.E.                                               
Can tell the 'what is' from 'what was'.                     
(who is P.G.E. - McW)                                       
71221 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



About an Earth language, advice --                          
This 'English' never fails to surprise.                     
A meteor falls down to earth,                               
And I just found, to my mirth,                              
The expression 'meteoric rise'!                             
                                                            
71222 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Voyager                  



Let Disney, Inc. call me a louse.                           
Let Disney's top PR men grouse.                             
Let them withstand the blow.                                
Today the world shall know                                  
An oxymoron, MIGHTY MOUSE.                                  
                                                            
71223 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Irving Superior     P8809



Behold the crypt-oxymora,                                   
Small bits of linguistic flora.                             
Where some common phrase,                                   
Viewed in other ways                                        
Looks like a MOSLEM MENORAH.                                
                                                            
71224 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



What ORGANIZED LABOR may be,                                
We all of us may someday see.                               
For now, they'll pass gas,                                  
And sit on their ass                                        
And wait for the stool to be free.                          
                                                            
71225 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



An old man whose pecker was dry,                            
Made all of his lady friends cry.                           
It's quite hard to measure                                  
How PAINFUL the PLEASURE,                                   
Though much Vaseline they apply.                            
                                                            
71226 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Julia Strawn        P8809



In Washington one of the giants                             
In lobbying told all his clients                            
That one of the things                                      
Which helped him pull strings                               
Was a grasp of POLITICAL SCIENCE.                           
                                                            
71227 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           A. N. Wilkins       P8809



This new book is some piece of shit;                        
Though it's thankfully short, I admit.                      
But to be rather frank,                                     
'Twould have been better blank.                             
It's called REAGAN: his WISDOM and WIT.                     
                                                            
71228 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Michael Weinstein   P8809



In a march, a teenager named Stan                           
Joined his buddies protesting the ban                       
Of a popular group                                          
By a joint in the Loop,                                     
Because he was a ROCK MUSIC fan.                            
                                                            
71229 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           A. N. Wilkins       P8809



There is only one at the crest,                             
That stands out from all of the rest.                       
The whole common herd                                       
Is not worth a turd.                                        
Just what the hell is SECOND BEST?                          
                                                            
71230 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



"I want," she said, "love that's platonic."                 
To me that's just OXYMORONIC.                               
There's all sorts of love,                                  
But when push comes to shove,                               
I much prefer mine with sex chronic.                        
                                                            
71231 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS                                    



A Bishop must choose from his file                          
A priest with a 'hospital' style.                           
A priest who would be                                       
Benign cheerfully                                           
But not have a SICKENING SMILE.                             
                                                            
71232 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Irving Superior     P8809



No one may care just who is there.                          
No one who's there's not a pair.                            
The partners are strange                                    
When you prearrange                                         
The guests for your first STAG AFFAIR.                      
                                                            
71233 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



As in summer a delicate flower                              
May bloom in a fierce thunder shower,                       
My dear never knows                                         
How in anger she glows!                                     
Her beauty's most SWEET when she's SOUR.                    
                                                            
71234 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Laurnece Perrine    P8809



Descriptions which we like to pour on                       
Terms we would rather ignore on                             
Occasions, as in,                                           
"Teetotaler's Gin,"                                         
My newly coined smart OXYMORON.                             
                                                            
71235 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Chris Papa               



Ida Bell was a girl from St. Paul.                          
She was lonesome with no love at all.                       
Then she started to pet                                     
A nice guy that she met,                                    
But his dong was TREMENDOUSLY SMALL.                        
                                                            
71236 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Julia Strawn        P8809



When the newly-found restaurant I doubted,                  
"I think we should go there," she pouted.                   
"Though I can't say it's shoddy,"                           
I told her, "Nobody                                         
Ever goes there -- it's always too crowded."                
                                                            
71237 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Hugh Clary               



It's true that it's easy to hire                            
A salesman who'll lie to a buyer.                           
They all do it willfully,                                   
And some do it skillfully,                                  
But this man is TRULY a LIAR.                               
                                                            
71238 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Laurence Perrine    P8809



While climbing the Matterhorn, Bart,                        
Had chest pains just after the start.                       
Still, up up he climbs.                                     
Reported The Times,                                         
"He had an UNBEATABLE HEART."                               
                                                            
71239 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Irving Superior     P8809



To spell a word right -- more or less.                      
When short on the facts -- just to guess.                   
Some are just third-rate,                                   
This grand fourth-estate.                                   
So, should you call WORKING PRESS?                          
                                                            
71240 WORDPLAY - OXYMORONS           Larry Davis         P8809



PALINDROMES, no way to converse;                            
They may leave minds addled or worse,                       
When in rhymes appear                                       
Abundantly clear,                                           
They are the "69's of verse."                               
                                                            
71241 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Chris Papa               



Those lyrical words sure pain us;                           
Gal racked in the front and in anus.                        
As PALINDROME, hell,                                        
It's name might as well,                                    
Be after the Roman God Janus.                               
                                                            
71242 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Chris Papa               



That's what comes of having two heads;                      
The guy was a demon in beds.                                
One aft and one fore,                                       
The poor girls were sore,                                   
With perinina left in shreds.                               
                                                            
71243 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Chris Papa               



For those who would PALINDROMES shop,                       
The short one I place at the top,                           
Are those that describe                                     
The head of the tribe,                                      
That fellow we call "Dad" or Pop".                          
                                                            
71244 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Chris Papa               



There are those who think Dubya's a dud,                    
And consider his name to be mud.                            
Symmetrically they talk                                     
But sputter and squawk                                      
When they say. "Dubya won?  No way, bud!"                   
                                                            
71245 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Kirk Miller              



On a hill in the woods near Paw Paw                         
Eliot enjoyed life in the raw.                              
That hole, his creation                                     
Was it sanitation?                                          
WAS IT ELIOTS TOILET I SAW?                                 
(palindromericks)                                           
71246 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Tom Patton          P0201



Now palindromes I do perceive,                              
A challenge could be, I believe:                            
The first one who had 'em                                   
Said, "Madam, I'm Adam,"                                    
Her respone was to simply say "Eve."                        
                                                            
71247 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME                                   



PALINDROME: variation of amagram                            
From backward to forward: a clever scam.                    
I found one in time                                         
To include in this rhyme:                                   
Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.                     
                                                            
71248 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Fran                     



Two brothers were Jason and Jack:                           
And Hannah had both in the sack.                            
This troilist syndrome                                      
She called PALINDROME --                                    
"I'm getting the same front and back."                      
                                                            
71249 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Nick                     



For those who would PALINDROMES plumb,                      
Remember there are also some                                
Of those that describe                                      
The head of the tribe                                       
As that person we call "Mom" or "Mum".                      
                                                            
71250 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Fran                     



Surely it was Mom whose position                            
Suggested the mission coition.                              
And though she protest,                                     
Outcome did attest:                                         
She contained serious emission.                             
                                                            
71251 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Daniel Ford              



A cleverly wrought decision --                              
I must now rethink my submission.                           
Looks like POP, feeling hot,                                
Attained the TOP SPOT                                       
For precision emission transmission.                        
                                                            
71252 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Fran                     



There once was a writer from Rome,                          
Who spent his days on palindromes.                          
Soon he got writers cramp;                                  
His approach he'd revamp.                                   
He writes limericks now to his home.                        
                                                            
71253 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          David J Stein       P0109



Tango-noter, a disc I peek at                               
In a temple: hot sin, a mad rat;                            
Ere we retard, a man                                        
Is to help me tan;                                          
I take epics, I dare, to no gnat.                           
(Palindromericks, very rare)                                
71254 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Will Thomas         P0202



When skipping a lunch planned at Maxes,                     
I opted for love that relaxes.                              
I called my friend Micky;                                   
Arranged for a quicky.                                      
I was wrong, SEX AT NOON TAXES.                             
(palindromericks)                                           
71255 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Tom Patton          P0201



To some they'll bring a happy yuck,                         
Or even a sympathetic cluck,                                
But as told above,                                          
When push comes to shove,                                   
Others just think that "they suck."                         
                                                            
71256 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Chris Papa               



A PALINDROME always departs                                 
Returning back from whence it starts.                       
Symmetrical fashion,                                        
Inspiring passion,                                          
In all of us word-players' hearts.                          
                                                            
71257 WORDPLAY - PALINDROME          Gary Hallock             



Hugh Clary went fishing for trout,                          
With Joe Zeugma's wife who is stout;                        
She screamed and then flipped                               
The boat when Hugh whipped                                  
Around, her fat ass, and his worm out.                      
                                                            
71258 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Travis Brasell           



Though she cooked all her meals hard as rocks,              
Joe Zeugma's new girl was a fox.                            
So when offered a plate,                                    
He triumphantly ate                                         
Humble pie, like a pig, and her box.                        
                                                            
71259 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Joe Zeugma loves girls that are quick,                      
Like Betty, a dextrous chick,                               
Who makes breakfast completing                              
Her chores, while she's beating                             
The clock, scrambled eggs, and his dick.                    
                                                            
71260 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



A nervous old codger named Boyce                            
Couldn't control his sphincter by choice.                   
So he splendidly strode                                     
To his favorite commode,                                    
Blew his nose, and his ass, and rejoiced.                   
                                                            
71261 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



As they left their room to depart,                          
Thought Piper, "I've won the boy's heart."                  
Though her thought was bold,                                
She neglected to hold                                       
Her breath, and the door, and a fart!                       
                                                            
71262 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



As they left their room to depart,                          
Thought Piper, "I've won the boy's heart."                  
Though her thought was bold,                                
She neglected to hold                                       
Her breath, and the door, and a fart.                       
                                                            
71263 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Observer                 



Joe Zeugma's vexations are myriad,                          
Since his girlfriend, a cutie named Kyriad,                 
Has gotten him pissed                                       
By saying she missed                                        
The bus, a day's work, and her period.                      
                                                            
71264 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Dancer Joe can avoid such misfortunes                       
And make money in generous portions,                        
By performing, for Kyrie,                                   
(Until she grows weary)                                     
Cunnilingus, Swan Lake, and abortions.                      
                                                            
71265 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Scott C                  



Joe Zeugma's vexations grew rifer                           
Since Kyriad played on his fifer;                           
Because this teen played,                                   
Joe Zeugma was made                                         
A father, a pauper, a 'lifer.'                              
                                                            
71266 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Travis Brasell           



Joe Zeugma's new paramour, Piper,                           
Is so wildly frenetic and hyper,                            
That she oft rearranges                                     
A room while she changes                                    
Her clothes, and her mind, and a diaper.                    
                                                            
71267 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Poor Betty has several woes,                                
'Cause her mother's announced that she knows                
How last night she got smashed,                             
And later had crashed                                       
Her computer, her car, and at Joe's.                        
                                                            
71268 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



The sangria sipped with sanguinity,                         
Her senses soon slipped to infinity;                        
Next day, to her cost,                                      
She found she had lost                                      
Control, and her drawers, her virginity.                    
                                                            
71269 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Tiddy Ogg                



As the judge at Joe's trial was a she,                      
Mr. Zeugma was pleased, because he,                         
Having turned on the charm                                  
Her concerns to disarm,                                     
Copped himself both a feel and a plea.                      
                                                            
71270 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Scott                    



I once met a man with a stash                               
Of stuff, and he sold me some hash.                         
Effect: much like boozing,                                  
A sure way of losing                                        
Consciousness, freedom, and cash.                           
                                                            
71271 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Tiddy Ogg                



Joe Zeugma's new girl, Nancy Todd,                          
Likes basketball, dice, and his bod.                        
So each weekend's a hoot,                                   
When he's able to shoot                                     
Some craps and some hoops and his wad.                      
                                                            
71272 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Back in high school, Joe Zeugma, got D's,                   
And enjoyed fatty foods, dripping grease.                   
He'd be found, now and then,                                
In a gambling den                                           
Cutting class, and cards, and the cheese.                   
                                                            
71273 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Huch Clary               



ZEUGMA's dual modification                                  
Leaves an ambiguous sensation,                              
Rather sylleptic,                                           
But not dyspeptic:                                          
Cunning, punning, mental gyration.                          
                                                            
71274 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Daniel Ford              



When Joe Zeugma was courting Ms Phipps,                     
He promised her holiday trips                               
Like cruisin', in hopin'                                    
When he called, she'd  open                                 
The door, and her heart, and her lips.                      
                                                            
71275 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Zeugma ran a few laps, at a lope;                           
Feeling great, sparred some rounds; jumped some rope.       
But his good mood turned sour                               
When, in the men's shower,                                  
He dropped both his guard and the soap.                     
                                                            
71276 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Joe Zeugma thinks quick on his feet,                        
So, feeling the heat of the meat                            
At his sphincter, petite,                                   
He decided to beat                                          
The guy off and a hasty retreat.                            
                                                            
71277 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Now Betty was chaste, a pure maid                           
Until "Farewell Mother," she bade,                          
And met up with Joe                                         
Went to his condo --                                        
Was fedded and bedded and laid                              
                                                            
71278 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



I went to the penny arcade,                                 
Inserted a quarter and played:                              
An old porno flick,                                         
With my stiff dick,                                         
And Helga, the toothless mop maid.                          
                                                            
71279 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Travis Brasell           



My darling, I'll get you a rose,                            
And find you wherever you goes.                             
My head is stuffed thick,                                   
With snot, so I'll pick                                     
Fresh flowers and you up and my nose.                       
                                                            
71280 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Against willfulness there's no defense.                     
Take the geek who defies common sense.                      
He hates to be bossed;                                      
Won't accept a "get lost";                                  
Gets the gate, evens score, takes offense (a fence).        
                                                            
71281 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Esther Koch         P0112



Now what's left of my pork is a pittance;                   
No more will I move for admittance                          
Into Chris' crass crater,                                   
Since the last time I bade her                              
Goodbye and good luck and good riddance.                    
                                                            
71282 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



The abbot buys marmalade kegs,                              
Since the Prioress frequently begs                          
Him to visit her bed,                                       
And it's frolic to spread                                   
The Gospel, the jam and her legs.                           
                                                            
71283 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Randog                   



Joe Zeugma, when landing with clatter,                      
Confessed he was wiser but sadder:                          
In attempting coition                                       
The position of Titian,                                     
Fell from grace and from Grace and the ladder.              
                                                            
71284 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Chris snapped dull incisors, I fled,                        
'Cause the tearing of man-flesh I dread.                    
Her word-play is wild,                                      
So, hence, I have filed                                     
A grievance, her teeth, and this thread.                    
                                                            
71285 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Randog                   



Baseball Joe's nuts sure were sore                          
As he popped one down third past Lenore.                    
Tipping his silver flask,                                   
Passing home he did ask,                                    
Tied her up, and one on, and the score.                     
                                                            
71286 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              John Miller              



Old Hugh is quite prone to these rants.                     
And premature?  Ain't got a chance;                         
Takes the Lord's name in vain.                              
No surprise there's a stain                                 
On his honor, his soul, and his pants.                      
                                                            
71287 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Anon                     



When I tried a "Zeugma", a cloud                            
Hung over my head, then a shroud                            
Engulfed me completely;                                     
But Hugh does 'em neatly                                    
And, dammit, he's made us all proud!                        
                                                            
71288 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Anon                     



Though a cold had Joe Zeugma's new Miss,                    
She unselfishly offered him bliss.                          
On her way to Peru,                                         
She stopped and she blew                                    
His dick and her nose and a kiss.                           
                                                            
71289 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



As on with word play I blunder,                             
I'm puzzled what influence Hugh's under.                    
He charms words like snakes                                 
And somehow he makes                                        
Me laugh, and them rhyme, and me wonder.                    
                                                            
71290 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Tiddy Ogg                



Well, now you have said it so well,                         
Hugh Clary is under some spell!                             
His Joe Zeugma thread                                       
Has started to spread                                       
Some lies, and some thighs, and a smell.                    
                                                            
71291 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Travis Brasell           



Joe Zeugma, she simply adored,                              
Though he seemed to be rather bored.                        
She suddenly farted;                                        
He quickly departed                                         
In a hurry, a huff and a Ford.                              
                                                            
71292 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Observer                 



She removed her blouse and her brassiere.                   
He poured him a cold frothy beer.                           
Then, in a ZEUGMA neat,                                     
He accomplished the feat                                    
Of taking her from her husband and the rear.                
                                                            
71293 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Norm Brust               



At the caucus, this winter, her blubber                     
Made Piper think Zeugma might snub her.                     
"But I wouldn't," he quipped,                               
As he rapidly slipped                                       
On some ice, and the polls, and a rubber.                   
                                                            
71294 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Joe's mule couldn't move off the grass                      
'Til Sister Christina did pass                              
With her water-filled pail.                                 
Joe, then, without fail,                                    
Kicked the habit, the bucket and ass.                       
                                                            
71295 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Ericka                   



The taking of nuns took its toll                            
On their virtue of which we extol.                          
Taken by his great charm,                                   
Their concerns he'd disarm,                                 
Taking knickers, then cherry, then soul.                    
                                                            
71296 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Randog                   



He went to his girlfriend's to sup,                         
And thought he heard sounds of a schtup,                    
Like a bed being rocked.                                    
So abruptly he knocked                                      
On the door, and him out, and her up.                       
                                                            
71297 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



The Abbot said, "Good things don't last,                    
But Prioress I had a blast,                                 
Which sadly, has quit!"                                     
And having said, lit                                        
The lamp, a cigar and out fast.                             
                                                            
71298 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



When Joe Zeugma sees nuns in their eighties,                
He streaks like a fiend out of Hades.                       
And batting his lashes,                                     
He suddenly flashes                                         
His lantern, a smile, and the ladies.                       
                                                            
71299 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Now Hugh, that old sock, always has                         
Been mouthy and all of that jazz.                           
Too often he lipped                                         
So that's why I snipped                                     
His limerick, his post and his vas.                         
                                                            
71300 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Anon                     



He swam fifteen lengths of the pool,                        
As he climbed out, he felt such a fool.                     
He looked down, grabbed a towel,                            
Swore in language most foul,                                
As he'd lost both his trunks and his cool.                  
                                                            
71301 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Arthur Pattaffy          



Alice Liddell thought Charlie was funny,                    
So witty, facetious, and punny,                             
That when near him she dwelt,                               
He frequently felt                                          
Her lovely, her trust and her cunny.                        
                                                            
71302 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Joe Zeugma's a bloke who would take                         
His time and some pills and a break                         
And Broadway by storm,                                      
And a crap where it's warm,                                 
And a bribe and the fifth and the cake.                     
                                                            
71303 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Also after his dad and a hint                               
And five and a nap, but he din't                            
Much take after his mum,                                    
Who, too fond of her rum,                                   
Hit the sauce and the skids and pavement.                   
                                                            
71304 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Peter Wilkins            



Joe Zeugma could not get a date,                            
Which left him a pitiful state.,                            
But with help from his name,                                
He finally came                                             
Into money, her bedroom and Kate.                           
                                                            
71305 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Does Chris bite in an epileptic fit?                        
Is that convent a dark, dreary pit?                         
If she's bound, though she's fierce,                        
We may happily pierce                                       
The mystery, the gloom and her slit.                        
                                                            
71306 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Miss Griffey just got a new job,                            
Writing sermons for Reverend Bob;                           
Though the salary's smallish,                               
Each morning she'll polish                                  
His oration, his shoes and his knob.                        
                                                            
71307 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



And when at Joe Zeugma's, midst howls,                      
She rearranged his soaps and towels.                        
And behind a locked door,                                   
She moved even more:                                        
His pictures, his rug, and her bowels.                      
                                                            
71308 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Observer                 



With a headache that hardly would quit,                     
Joe Zeugma decided to split.                                
Some downers he copped,                                     
So quickly he popped                                        
To the bathroom, the pills, and a zit.                      
                                                            
71309 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Christina is one of those lovers                            
Where a heap of new suitors oft hovers.                     
But, "Their jewels I'll plunder,"                           
She always says under                                       
Their protest, her breath and the covers.                   
                                                            
71310 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Anon                     



The moonlight upon my lake, nightly,                        
Illuminated just how politely                               
A lady can spread                                           
The quilt from her bed,                                     
Some lies, and her pussy-once-tightly.                      
                                                            
71311 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Travis Brasell           



It's the morning right after the race,                      
And Joe Zeugma has smiles on his face;                      
Life's all that he dreamed                                  
'Cause he finally creamed                                   
His rivals, his tea, and in Grace.                          
                                                            
71312 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Joe Zeugma buys crack on the docks,                         
Where he smuggles in diamond stocks,                        
And, they've harlots there, yet,                            
So he's sure he will get                                    
His rocks and his rocks and his rocks.                      
                                                            
71313 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Joe Zeugma was feeling no pain,                             
Which his fortunes today would explain.                     
After doing his best                                        
On the Algebra test,                                        
Scored an A, then some dope, and with Jane.                 
                                                            
71314 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



A bite followed nip; now it's gone.                         
Like Bobbitt, I've not any brawn.                           
I hope I'll discover                                        
A way to recover                                            
My settlement, pride and baton!                             
                                                            
71315 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



He dreams of wild sex with Miss Griffey                     
And sleeps very lightly, so if he                           
Has eaten bran flakes,                                      
Joe Zeugma awakes                                           
With a start and a fart and a stiffy.                       
                                                            
71316 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



Joe Zuegma's the wisest of wenchers,                        
Who embarked on some novice adventures                      
With the nun most devout,                                   
When he quickly took out                                    
The trash, and his dick and her dentures.                   
                                                            
71317 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



Joe Zeugma had just shot his rocks,                         
When he noticed the sign that read, "Pox                    
Has infected these sheep."                                  
And he found himself deep                                   
In trouble, and thought, and its box.                       
                                                            
71318 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Hugh Clary               



The ZEUGMA unites disparate words,                          
Like nest that is sharing stange birds.                     
Betwixt and between,                                        
Each set in the scene,                                      
Thanksgiving of Turkey and Kurds  (turkey and curds)        
                                                            
71319 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA              Chris Papa               



Joe Zeugma was less than alert                              
When the flu had him weary as dirt.                         
So he called on Nurse Wonder                                
In the hope to be under                                     
The weather, her wing, and her skirt.                       
                                                            
71320 WORDPLAY - ZEUGMA                                       



The ampersand's such a h&dy device,                         
Because it's compact and concise.                           
As in Jessica T&y                                           
Or Mahatma G&hi.                                            
Okay. it's not gr&. But it's nice.                          
                                                            
71321 WORDS - ABBREVS                Brandy Brandon      P9506



A man we chall only call "Mr."                              
Grabbed and attacked his own sr.                            
Dad spotted the scene;                                      
Wow! Did he intervene...                                    
And the young sibling's backside did blr.                   
                                                            
71322 WORDS - ABBREVS                Jane D. Hughes      P9104



There once was a sporty young Mr.,                          
Who said to a girl when he kr.,                             
"Won't you please be my wife?"                              
She said, "Not on your life,                                
The most I can be is your sr."                              
                                                            
71323 WORDS - ABBREVS                Stanton Vaughn 1906 P9104



All persons of higher degree,                               
Are proud of a long pedigree,                               
And even the masses                                         
Of inferior classes,                                        
Unless they are misled, agree.                              
(the damn degree sign is too hard to make - McW)            
71324 WORDS - ABBREVS                Harold C Bibby           



Her birthday loomed high as a mt.                           
Of youth she could not find the ft.                         
When asked re her yrs.                                      
She fought back the trs.                                    
And said, "39... but who's ct.?"                            
                                                            
71325 WORDS - ABBREVS                Jane D. Hughes      P9102



When a girl fits a shirt to a T,                            
Every man flits around like a B;                            
They tries hard, just like U,                               
To be first in the Q,                                       
And to manage to make her say G...                          
                                                            
71326 WORDS - ABBREVS                Bill Backe-Hansen   P9104



There are plenty of people in Md.                           
Who think that their state if a fd.                         
It seems odd to find                                        
That they really don't mind                                 
It's Wis., not Md. is Dd.                                   
                                                            
71327 WORDS - ABBREVS                Anon (Cerf) (Bibby)      



There was a young man from Mich.                            
Who used to wish and wich.                                  
That spring would come                                      
So he could bum                                             
Around and go out fich.                                     
                                                            
71328 WORDS - ABBREVS                                         



She was peeved and addressed him as Mr.,                    
Not because of the fact that he kr.                         
But because, just before,                                   
As she opened the door,                                     
This same Mr. had just kr. sr.                              
                                                            
71329 WORDS - ABBREVS                Langford Reed       P9104



ABBREVIATIONS--tricky biz!                                  
Mr., Mrs., Miss, and Ms.                                    
The female--three of four                                   
Providing you ignore                                        
That Mr. maybe "missed her" is.                             
                                                            
71330 WORDS - ABBREVS                Irving Superior     P9104



There once was a pretty young Mrs.                          
Who tearful but short story thrs.                           
Her mind lost it grasp --                                   
Now she thinks she's an asp,                                
And just sits in the corner and hrs.                        
                                                            
71331 WORDS - ABBREVS                Jim Weaver Collection    



A man hired by John Smith & Co.                             
Loudly declared he would tho.                               
Man that he saw                                             
Dumping dirt near his store.                                
The drivers, therefore, didn't do.                          
                                                            
71332 WORDS - ABBREVS                Mark Twain          P0108



In the Senate are several pp.                               
Who are paid above minimum ww.                              
To kneel in a bbl.                                          
Wearing women's appl.                                       
And satisfy whimsical ss.                                   
                                                            
71333 WORDS - ABBREVS                Hugh Clary               



There was a young lady from Ft. Lee,                        
Whose figure was fetching, but Pt. Lee.                     
She said, "Try to heft                                      
The breast on the left.                                     
I'll toss you the other one Sht. Lee."                      
                                                            
71334 WORDS - ABBREVS                William F. Orr     TP9802



There was an old lady named Clark                           
Who rose from her bed -- to bark.                           
They say 'twas a trauma                                     
When the dog bit her,     (comma)                           
Now can you tell me why?  (question mark)                   
                                                            
71335 WORDS - ABBREVS                Albin Chaplin Appeal 1670



There once was a husky young Mr.                            
Who hugged hard each girl as he kr.;                        
And he kissed with such glee                                
That his girl exclaimed, "See!                              
Your lips upon mine raised a blr."                          
                                                            
71336 WORDS - ABBREVS                Stanton Vaughn 1906 P9104



A gallant and social Mr.                                    
On meeting a fair damsel kr.,                               
She called for a Dr.                                        
The thing had so shr.,                                      
And on her red lips raised a blr.                           
                                                            
71337 WORDS - ABBREVS                Stanton Vaughn 1906 P9104



For the Third World and all those within it,                
Where governments constantly spin, it                       
Is life to be treasured                                     
Where time isn't measured                                   
In mere r.p.m..                                             
                                                            
71338 WORDS - ABBREVS                Laurence Perrine    P9407



That brevity's usually preferred                            
When writing, it's sometimes inferred.                      
It might then perplex us                                    
To note in our lexis                                        
'Abbreviation's such a long word.                           
                                                            
71339 WORDS - ABBREVS                Bob Giandomenico    P9104



He would chug-a-lug whiskey by qts.,                        
This bibulous fellow named Schwts.                          
He would then drive his car                                 
From tavern to bar,                                         
And he's coo-coo, I've heard from repts.                    
                                                            
71340 WORDS - ABBREVS                Al Willis          TP9804



As a horny guy walked down the av.,                         
To a chick he said "I would love hv."                       
When she said, "I abstain                                   
'Cause sex causes pain,"                                    
He assured her, "Well I'll put some salv.!"                 
                                                            
71341 WORDS - ABBREVS                Jane D. Hughes      P9104



Mr Washington got a degree.                                 
There was something he wanted to see:                       
The patients who'd jeer                                     
And the cracks he would hear,                               
At the office of Washington, D.C.                           
                                                            
71342 WORDS - ABBREVS                Don Moore           P0112



A young English woman named St John                         
Met a red-skinned American In John.                         
Who made her his bride,                                     
And gave her beside                                         
A dress with a gaudy bead Fr John.                          
                                                            
71343 WORDS - ABBREVS                                         



She frowned and called him Mr.                              
Because he boldly kr.                                       
And so in spite,                                            
That very same night,                                       
This Mr. kr. sr.                                            
                                                            
71344 WORDS - ABBREVS                Isaac Asimov             



She always addressed him as Mr.,                            
Until he took courage and Kr.;                              
But now that they're wed,                                   
Like a brute he has said                                    
That he wishes to goodness he Mr.                           
                                                            
71345 WORDS - ABBREVS                Illustrated Lims    P9604



There once were a couple of chums                           
Who were playing with long words and sums.                  
When they looked to it further,                             
Anagram for 'A McDonald's Burger,'                          
Turned out to be "Real dog and crumbs!"                     
                                                            
71346 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



An anagram solver from Loo                                  
Said, "This is too good to be true!                         
'A Wendy Burger' rearragned,                                
The snack that is famed                                     
Becomes: "Beware. Dry gnu!"                                 
                                                            
71347 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



Clinton likes to give 'em a whirl,                          
And Gore makes their tongues unfurl.                        
When their anagram's written,                               
"Al Gore/Bill Clinton"                                      
Becomes "Ball lot on nice girl"!                            
                                                            
71348 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



He bullies those weak MPs with flair;                       
They complain hourly that he's not fair.                    
With no preamble,                                           
Alistair Campbell?                                          
His response is: I'm a pest? Call Blair!                    
                                                            
71349 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



A steaming turd he couldn't pass;                           
It was the height of bathroom farce.                        
'Cause this was the issue:                                  
Andrex Toilet Tissue                                        
Anagrams to "Insulted exit to arse!"                        
                                                            
71350 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



It started incredibly brash,                                
But its fortune started to crash.                           
Its fate? It was sealed                                     
When British Leyland revealed                               
The letters: "Indelibly trash!"                             
                                                            
71351 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



It really isn't surprising                                  
With absolutely no compromising,                            
The letters of the varsity                                  
'Cambridge University'                                      
Becomes: "A dumber city revising!"                          
                                                            
71352 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



A Kensington copper, he had to grab                         
Dennis Wise who was giving it the gab.                      
He staggered from the pub,                                  
Singing: "'Chelsea Football Club?'                          
It equals: Foul local? He belts cab!"                       
                                                            
71353 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



Their Hostesses? Well, they aren't girliest                 
But then again, maybe not burliest.                         
Be they sir or Ma'am,                                       
They just love the anagram:                                 
Of Delta Airlines "I land earliest!"                        
                                                            
71354 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



The whole world was united in grief                         
'Cause her seatbelt, it started to chafe.                   
"Diana Princess of Wales"                                   
In town for the sales,                                      
Said, "Paris? Nice slow and safe!"                          
                                                            
71355 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully         TP9804



You might be interested to hear                             
A short anagram that may cheer.                             
'Evander Holyfield', fightin'                               
That naughty Mike Tyson                                     
Becomes: "He'd find lovely ear!"                            
                                                            
71356 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



There was a young fellow called Gough,                      
Who was hungry and started to scoff.                        
But he puked in the dish                                    
When told 'Fillet o' Fish'                                  
Is an anagram of "Hell, it is off!"                         
                                                            
71357 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



After spanking a hooligan runt                              
In that infamous Selhurst Park stunt,                       
Manchester United FC                                        
Took a dim view of his spree,                               
But he objected: "I'm teased: "French cunt!"                
                                                            
71358 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



Many mouthfuls of semen she'd spit,                         
On that spotless white office carpet.                       
When intern got the washing done                            
At "The White House Washington"                             
She thought, "Oh Wow! He's that genuine shit!"              
                                                            
71359 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully         TP9804



A pugilist from Wembley said: "Tripe!                       
I really do have a big gripe.                               
I dropped a great pooper                                    
When "Henry Cooper"                                         
Anagrammed to "Coroner? Hype!"                              
                                                            
71360 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



Our politicians, as on they yearn,                          
For awards that they sure think they earn.                  
But I thought I was pissed                                  
When "The New Year's Honours List"                          
Anagrammed to "Whose tiny arseholes turn?"                  
                                                            
71361 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully         TP9804



Our Parliamentary system's the best;                        
Our MP's they fight on our behest.                          
But they don't cross swords                                 
Within "The House of Lords"                                 
Because it is the "Household of Rest!"                      
                                                            
71362 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully         TP9804



You know it is really not fair,                             
With Betty Boothroyd in that chair.                         
She never brooks argument                                   
Within "The Houses of Parliament"                           
When it "often pushes lame hot-air".                        
                                                            
71363 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully         TP9804



There was a young fellow named Hitchin                      
Who while eating, wouldn't stop bitching.                   
He said "What the heck?                                     
'Chef dick in turkey neck'                                  
Anagrams to "Kentucky Fried Chicken!"                       
                                                            
71364 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



There was a young stewardess called "Teasy"                 
Whose Captain she had to pleasey.                           
He said "A hand-job you've got to,                          
'Cause the company motto:                                   
Kenya Airways is 'Airy wank? Easy!'"                        
                                                            
71365 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



The Left has had enough baloney                             
From Blair and his Mandelson crony.                         
They won't stand much nonsense                              
At 'The Labour Party Conference'                            
So, let's: "act clean. Probe "Fuehrer" Tony!"               
                                                            
71366 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



Their aircraft are not fitted with guns;                    
They make out that they are your chums.                     
But you'll shit in your pants, sir,                         
When an anagram of Lufthansa                                
Is revealed to be: "Fatal Huns!"                            
                                                            
71367 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



Who LED IN THE AIR GAMBLE made?                             
Who rued a LAME HIT IN BELGRADE?                            
Is it DEALING HER BLAME?                                    
(HAD BELLIGERENT AIM!)                                      
Scrabbles Madeline Albright has played!                     
                                                            
71368 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Prof M-G                 



A mad Frenchman, he inflicted big dents                     
On a fan's head when he took some offence.                  
He said: "You must see,                                     
'Manchester United FC':                                     
Anagrams to 'Match intrudes fence!'"                        
                                                            
71369 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



There was a young shaver named Hurst,                       
Who thought that his penis was wurst.                       
He announced to the nation,                                 
"Anagram of 'masturbation'                                  
Turns out to be: 'A moan? It burst!'"                       
                                                            
71370 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



An anagram of Monica Seles?                                 
Is exceptionally apt, it is                                 
The club heard in the grunt                                 
Then decided to hunt                                        
The source of the loud "Camel noises."                      
                                                            
71371 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



MO'S CARNOSITY tainted Bill's glory,                        
But a poll doubts the COST'S ANY (MORI)                     
Says she, "AY, I'M NOT CROSS                                
But I'M NO RACY TOSS!"                                      
Permutations of MONICA'S STORY.                             
                                                            
71372 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Prof M-G                 



Non Accurate Tomahawks Offloading,                          
Non Armed Targets Overexploding,                            
Not Apt To Outjoust,                                        
Nowhow Able To Oust,                                        
Each an accurate NATO decoding.                             
                                                            
71373 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Prof M-G                 



Two directors, their sweaty palms greased                   
By five million "kit" pounds at least                       
Bragged: "A new slogan you see                              
Of: 'Newcastle United FC':                                  
Is the logical: I want cunts fleeced!                       
                                                            
71374 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



It was a slick slogan quite fair,                           
To re-brand our Country he dare                             
'Cool Britannia': he boast,                                 
Always beats a "Beef roast".                                
But the Tories said: "No action, Blair?"                    
                                                            
71375 WORDS - ANAGRAMS                                        



Will the letters of NEW DOOR re-meld                        
So precisely ONE WORD can be spelled?                       
Rearrange, NOW REDO,                                        
What O, WONDER! 'Tis true;                                  
Neither borrowed NOR OWED, but upheld.                      
                                                            
71376 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Prof M-G           TP9901



When Cyril quit job as bell-hop                             
And obtained a job in a sex-shop.                           
He wasn't surprised to see                                  
An anagram of Pornography,                                  
Was strangely "Horny rag pop?"                              
                                                            
71377 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



When it's time for Bill Clinton to go,                      
The nation will descend into woe.                           
For Senator Bob Dole                                        
When rearranged, at the poll:                               
He becomes: "Bob leader? Not so!"                           
                                                            
71378 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



He is the world's biggest moaner                            
In hand he is such a groaner,                               
'Cause 'Senator Bob Dole'                                   
Doesn't fuck his wife's hole,                               
But anagrams: "So beat old boner!"                          
                                                            
71379 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



They give the male passengers curls                         
In their toes, when given the whirls.                       
When Singapore Airlines'                                    
Anagram enshrines:                                          
That we "Pioneer Asian Girls!"                              
                                                            
71380 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



There was a young hostess, or whore,                        
Who needed hard sex more and more.                          
She said Singapore Airlines                                 
Rearranged sometimes                                        
To: "Large penis in? I soar!"                               
                                                            
71381 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



An American lawyer named Bates                              
Was waiting for his flight to the States.                   
But an anagram as always                                    
Of South African Airways                                    
Is: "Rain? Fury! Chaos awaits!"                             
                                                            
71382 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



A randy hostess, on a plane                                 
Would screw captain or steward the same.                    
While anagrams sometimes                                    
Of Virgin Atlanatic Airlines                                
She found "Rival girl intact. I insane!"                    
                                                            
71383 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



'Twas on an air trip to China                               
When her fanny tickled insider her.                         
While doing anagrams sometimes                              
Of 'Virgin Atlantic Airlines'                               
She found "restrain 'n illicit vagina!"                     
                                                            
71384 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



There once was a clergyman's daughter                       
Who said "Dad you really oughter                            
Say a prayer for some rain,                                 
'Cause 'we hit a Sky error' became                          
The slogan of "Yorkshire Water!"                            
                                                            
71385 WORDS - ANAGRAMS               Mick Tully               



SIXTY-FOUR DOLLAR QUESTION guage,                           
In light of our inflated age,                               
'Twould contestants pain,                                   
To sound a refrain                                          
Which pays less than minimum wage.                          
                                                            
71386 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If your 64 DOLLAR QUESTION be:                              
"Oh darling, will you marry me?"                            
Pop it straight off.                                        
My advice is don't scoff.                                   
Avoid the previous sixty three.                             
                                                            
71387 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



The spiny projections of AA                                 
Make it dangerous as cold lava.                             
For it cuts bare feet                                       
To shreds, like ground meat.                                
It's no laughing matter, no haha.                           
                                                            
71388 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Unwise tread on AA will bring,                              
With no shoes, unbearable sting                             
And cuts and small holes                                    
In both of your soles.                                      
It's quite the masochistic thing!                           
                                                            
71389 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'd sooner walk over hot coals                              
Than have AA stick to my soles.                             
But, truth being said,                                      
I view both with dread                                      
And seek cooler, wholesomer goals.                          
                                                            
71390 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



AB OVO, the smart term, I beg;                              
Claims it is start of the leg                               
Of journey through life,                                    
Which leads to some strife.                                 
Was hen first, before there was egg?                        
                                                            
71391 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AB OVO, from the beginning,                                 
Suggests an argument winning.                               
In primeval burst,                                          
It was the egg first,                                       
Chicken came in second inning.                              
                                                            
71392 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There in the beginning, AB OVO,                             
Is also the sense of de novo.                               
Thought former's from egg                                   
And latter's from dreg;                                     
L'il nothing from backseat of Volvo.                        
                                                            
71393 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Another thought ABECEDARIAN                                 
Is that any parliamentarian                                 
Can be trusted to steal                                     
From the commonweal,                                        
To buy TV time to get there again.                          
                                                            
71394 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



An ABECEDARIAN thought                                      
That with simple wisdom is fraught:                         
Politicians trust                                           
For as long or just                                         
Until thieving bastards are caught.                         
                                                            
71395 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those eye-popping, sweet-lady ads,                          
Will make sure that A & F adds                              
Some bucks to its till,                                     
'Cause they know what still                                 
Raises the interests of Dads.                               
                                                            
71396 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Said Sarah to dead Sid at seance,                           
"As partners, we were the best playants.                    
I've been good till now,                                    
But being as how,                                           
I can't keep my life in ABEYANCE."                          
                                                            
71397 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Up 'til now I've been naughty and bad,                      
But today's decision's made me glad.                        
From now on, sins I'll ABJURE,                              
Become innocent and pure.                                   
(If you believe this, you are mad.)                         
                                                            
71398 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



From "loose loving" please do ABJURE,                       
Unless of your partner, you're sure.                        
The result can be                                           
Some dreaded V.D.,                                          
Which hopefully some quack can cure.                        
                                                            
71399 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She thought that just to be sure,                           
She would all hard liquor ABJURE.                           
He said, "That is fine;                                     
This chocolate's divine."                                   
Soon enough she succumbed to that lure.                     
                                                            
71400 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Although bothered by visions impure,                        
He hoped that his soul was secure.                          
If in reveries lewd,                                        
All acts were eschewed,                                     
And from hand motions he would ABJURE.                      
                                                            
71401 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



There once was a newlywed curate,                           
Whose bride was a virgin, obdurate.                         
Quite sure of her purity,                                   
Was he, but cure it he                                      
Couldn't.  For sex, she'd ABJURE it.                        
                                                            
71402 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



I could easily ABNEGATE                                     
But I decided to not tempt fate.                            
So I will steer clear                                       
Of cynical smear                                            
On romance and marriage to date!                            
                                                            
71403 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Deny, renounce or ABNEGATE,                                 
With echoes of old Watergate,                               
From Pandora's box,                                         
It's a paradox:                                             
Though given up, it stains your fate.                       
                                                            
71404 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though ABNEGATE's word for surrender,                       
The thought of the Prez on a bender,                        
Where now it might mean,                                    
He's caught in new scene,                                   
With Abner, cigar and "rear-ender".                         
                                                            
71405 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When weighing the "First Couple's" fate,                    
The travails of Bill and his mate,                          
Can be explained, all,                                      
If you'd but recall                                         
The need to good sense ABROGATE.                            
                                                            
71406 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When the laws we do ABROGATE,                               
There's no telling what be our fate,                        
As the case of Nixon,                                       
Whose messy fixin'                                          
Erased not stink of Watergate.                              
                                                            
71407 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Fresh comments I chose to ABROGATE,                         
Then groping I had to navigate.                             
The hands were my boss's;                                   
He counted his losses                                       
When I decided to litigate.                                 
                                                            
71408 WORDS - DEFINED                Emma                     



Ill will I would fain ABROGATE,                             
The far distant cousin of hate,                             
Erodes and annoys,                                          
Blocks all sorts of joys,                                   
It's senseless at all to create.                            
                                                            
71409 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ABSINTHE, to the hard-drinking guys,                        
Who belt down their bourbons and ryes,                      
Is for fey scribers,                                        
And lady imbibers,                                          
Who value the licorice surprise.                            
                                                            
71410 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ABSTEMIOUS is rather spartan,                               
Ascribed to one who wears tartan,                           
Whose frugal practice                                       
The simple fact is,                                         
Offers Glenfiddich for partin'.                             
                                                            
71411 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ABSTEMIOUS goes for dates, Dutch,                           
The kind who drink small beers and such.                    
No Scotch will they chug,                                   
Till they've snared their lug,                              
They know Glenfiddich cost too much.                        
                                                            
71412 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Abstemious urceolate.                                       
Neologize, pray, masticate,                                 
Replevin voracious,                                         
Hercine and rapacious,                                      
Crescive cucurbit, oblate.                                  
                                                            
71413 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim Drew                 



Those slow on the uptake are OBTUSE,                        
Though fuzzy thinkers, also profuse,                        
Appear all over                                             
As mindless rovers,                                         
Speaking ever in phrases abstruse.                          
                                                            
71414 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Said father to his daughter, Julia,                         
Who suffered from chronic ABULIA,                           
"Your boyfriend, maybe,                                     
Could leave you with baby;                                  
Don't let a guy's sweet-talking fool ya!"                   
                                                            
71415 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



ABULIA means judgement is shot,                             
And when one is faced with choice hot,                      
Can only remain                                             
In deep mental pain,                                        
Just rooted just there "on the pot".                        
                                                            
71416 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ABUSAGE, such evil wordplay,                                
In public arena today,                                      
There's just not a doubt                                    
Of all pols about,                                          
It is Dubya's verbal forte.                                 
                                                            
71417 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Improper language is ABUSAGE,                               
Coming from improper tutelage                               
And bad examples                                            
As the News tramples                                        
The Tree of Knowledge fruit to juicage.                     
                                                            
71418 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ACALCULIA, not very good,                                   
Except when it is understood,                               
It's needed to win,                                         
A good job within,                                          
The IRS bleak neighborhood.                                 
                                                            
71419 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In life, wrong answers are what                             
My efforts add up to a lot.                                 
I cannot subtract                                           
Fiction from fact,                                          
ACALCULIA -- is that what I've got?                         
                                                            
71420 WORDS - DEFINED                Avi                      



This male stripper really had it made:                      
When jock dropped, he'd get ACCOLADE.                       
In response to curtain calls,                               
He would tie his balls                                      
In a bow around the tool of his trade.                      
                                                            
71421 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



'Tis said that the new knight was made,                     
Receiving his lord's ACCOLADE.                              
Although latter's spouse,                                   
The dame of the house,                                      
Oft alternate "making' displayed.                           
                                                            
71422 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Thus Guinevere good goosing got                             
From like of well-hung Lancelot,                            
Whom Arthur, cuckold,                                       
Had made the knight bold,                                   
Whilst Gwinny kept making him hot.                          
                                                            
71423 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ACCORDIONATED, talent rare,                                 
I think that we've all had our share,                       
When map folds rebel,                                       
It's from evil spell,                                       
Can happen at home in a chair.                              
(able to drive and fold map at same time)                   
71424 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I don't watch the news on TV;                               
Time and Newsweek I never see.                              
My total ACEDIA                                             
With popular media                                          
Is more than boredom, it's antipathy!                       
                                                            
71425 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



In land of ACEDIA we see                                    
Lethargic foks, down as can be.                             
With sadness the sum                                        
They can't overcome,                                        
Enervated by ennui.                                         
                                                            
71426 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



You could fill an encyclopedia,                             
With trash found in the local media,                        
Like promise of pol,                                        
Or marriage of doll,                                        
Quite the unending ACEDIA.                                  
                                                            
71427 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The apathy called ACEDIA                                    
Strikes teens with encyclopedia.                            
But there are a few                                         
Who, like me and you,                                       
Are turned on by the expedia.                               
                                                            
71428 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There once was an ACERBIC actor,                            
Whom actresses labled malefactor,                           
Because in fight scene                                      
He'd oft vent his spleen,                                   
As he wouldn't miss Miss, but whacked her.                  
                                                            
71429 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Achilles' heel that you show                            
Shows a weakness for things down below --                   
A peek at my ankle,                                         
Well, how could that rankle?                                
Deny you?  Oh no no no no!                                  
                                                            
71430 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



If reaction is ACIDULOUS,                                   
And you find yourself incridulous,                          
Just suspend belief,                                        
It'll bring relief,                                         
So give in to nature bibulous.                              
                                                            
71431 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Subtly caustic is ACIDULOUS,                                
Requires precision assiduous,                               
In order to fix                                             
The pH with sticks                                          
Of indicator quite bibulous.                                
                                                            
71432 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A maid who was fair, full and young,                        
Who could be described as 'well hung',                      
Took nunnery's call,                                        
Rejected by all,                                            
For using ACIDULOUS tongue.                                 
                                                            
71433 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The thought of your message appalls.                        
For when sweet nubile beauty calls,                         
If lads don't perform                                       
When sex urge is warm,                                      
They'll end up with aching "blue balls."                    
                                                            
71434 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those grids incomplete, out-of-date:                        
ACROSTIC's so often frustrate.                              
And when I go short                                         
On stocks I've not bought,                                  
The down-tick on Wall Street's too late!                    
                                                            
71435 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



I guess to some folks they're a breeze;                     
ACROSTICS will quite a few please.                          
But I have wondered,                                        
How, vertially sundered,                                    
They might appeal to the Chinese.                           
                                                            
71436 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In message from line tips, ACROSTIC,                        
Some writers weave meanings quite caustic.                  
Though no fan to root,                                      
If do find some cute;                                       
So color my feelings agnostic.                              
                                                            
71437 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With powers that are diagnostic,                            
One tackles the Sunday ACROSTIC,                            
Finds word table d'hotes,                                   
And quaint and queer quotes,                                
Some mellow, with others quite caustic.                     
                                                            
71438 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An ACROSTIC is easy to do                                   
But you must think it all the way through;                  
Over the "scan,"                                            
Unless I plan,                                              
This was the best I could do.                               
                                                            
71439 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Rhyming limericks sometimes is hard.                        
Head games with words have I often sparred!                 
You think you can win;                                      
Methinks pride a sin.                                       
End results: making sense oft are barred!                   
                                                            
71440 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



To Mrs A CROSTIC; Love divine.                              
Recline with me on bed, room nine.                          
Your bosom sweet,                                           
Small perfumed feet,                                        
To me are fruits of fecund vine.                            
                                                            
71441 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



True Love, I fly with loins on fire,                        
With haste remove your street attire.                       
I'll sex abjure,                                            
Sheath not secure.                                          
'Thout skin, no sin, no spent desire.                       
                                                            
71442 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



For those who would live love in life,                      
Who'd fall free from suffering strife,                      
And sorrows human,                                          
Need the ACUMEN                                             
To be happy, husband and wife.                              
                                                            
71443 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For specific purpose, done AD HOC,                          
Discover new ways to turn rock:                             
Lift toward, if you'd take                                  
A look at the snake,                                        
Whose bite makes you laughing stock.                        
                                                            
71444 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Young lady, with smile but no frock,                        
On billboard created some shock                             
To old folks around,                                        
Who in their youth found                                    
Offense in such morals AD HOC.                              
                                                            
71445 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A man should never AD LIB                                   
To cover up a little fib.                                   
It's usually much cheaper                                   
To pay the gatekeeper,                                      
The one that came from Adam's rib.                          
                                                            
71446 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Politicos who can AD LIB                                    
Use facile tongue in ways glib,                             
May make sense little.                                      
Ideas are as spittle,                                       
That collects on our dear baby's bib.                       
                                                            
71447 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An ADDER is one who makes sum,                              
Or snake whose bad bite is a bum.                           
Though poisonous creeper,                                   
I must say, it's cheaper                                    
Than where some accountants come from.                      
                                                            
71448 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Whenever the mood comes to fix                              
Desserts that make sly gassy tricks,                        
Sweet taste, heaven sent,                                   
Which later needs to vent,                                  
Some jolly oatmeal just ADMIX.                              
                                                            
71449 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When Congress attempts to ADMIX                             
Monies with sex and politics,                               
They will need a cure                                       
For motives impure                                          
And leather-clad dominatrix.                                
                                                            
71450 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I don't know enough of those things,                        
Of leather, chains, and iron rings.                         
Now which of the two                                        
When everythings through,                                   
Wears kneepads that Monica brings?                          
                                                            
71451 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ADONIS, a handsome young Greek,                             
Gave Aphrodite's breast a tweak.                            
"All women love me,                                         
And soon you will see                                       
The fount of great joy that you seek."                      
                                                            
71452 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ADONIS, loved by Aphrodite                                  
But not by Zeus, the god almighty,                          
Fled quick from the mount                                   
And that's why we count                                     
Him among the quirky and flighty.                           
                                                            
71453 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Aphrodite's cute youth, ADONISH,                            
Though mortal, could really astonish                        
The Olympic Gods.                                           
They must have been clods,                                  
For that youth was nearly moronish.                         
                                                            
71454 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel                   



Doggies do indeed ADULATE                                   
The "owners" who provide each plate                         
And assorted feasts                                         
For the crafty beasts,                                      
Who don't have to hunt, only wait.                          
                                                            
71455 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Foreshadowing future, ADUMBRATE,                            
Does seem to belie some odd dumb fate,                      
In which the substance                                      
With some insouciance                                       
Is shadow, only at any rate.                                
                                                            
71456 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



His manhood he'd oft ADUMBRATE,                             
Suggesting that his was first rate.                         
But as it would rise                                        
To just peanut size,                                        
He's now known as Mixed Planter's Date.                     
                                                            
71457 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Politicians, 'round the truth  they skate,                  
While simple views they ADUMBRATE;                          
Doing press interviews,                                     
Handing out IOU's,                                          
While their assistants pass the plate.                      
                                                            
71458 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



When choosing among a buffet's dishes,                      
I look for something ADVENTITIOUS.                          
I avoid convention                                          
Hoping cook's intention                                     
Will be novel, as well as delicious.                        
                                                            
71459 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



His wife became very suspicious,                            
When lipstick stains ADVENTITIOUS,                          
Appeared on his collar,                                     
And started to holler,                                      
"What kind of bad Karma you wish us!"                       
                                                            
71460 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When young folks are out on a date,                         
Their parents don't oft ADVOCATE                            
A journey too far,                                          
Nor kiss in the car.                                        
It's been know to increase the birthrate.                   
                                                            
71461 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



For all causes I'll ADVOCATE,                               
If their moral intents equate                               
With principal tone:                                        
To leave me alone                                           
To enjoy my primitive state.                                
                                                            
71462 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Many causes are in a stew,                                  
'Cause they blend into a ragout.                            
If you have a beef,                                         
Make your message brief,                                    
Then you can ADVOCATE and eat it too.                       
                                                            
71463 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



AEGIS is something one's under,                             
Maybe protection from thunder,                              
Or place where among                                        
Authority's sprung,                                         
When needing to cover-up blunder.                           
                                                            
71464 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



His degree is a damn photostat,                             
That's because it's an AEGROTAT.                            
But the dude doesn't care                                   
As he utters, with flair,                                   
"Sir, would you like fries with that?"                      
                                                            
71465 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



Hurrah for the smart AEGROTAT,                              
Who never for his exams sat.                                
But who is let in,                                          
To get a sheepskin,                                         
And e'en wear a mortar board hat.                           
                                                            
71466 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Light and whimsical as this guy Gary is,                    
I still wouldn't call the guy AERIOUS.                      
He's not light on his feet                                  
But if ever you meet,                                       
You should take care to keep track of where he is.          
                                                            
71467 WORDS - DEFINED                Cary Hallock             



In beauty and art does AESTHETE                             
Find kindred spirits sweetly greet;                         
His lines poetic                                            
Point tete-a-tetic                                          
Till her Grace does punishment mete.                        
                                                            
71468 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In "Patience", a glum-faced AESTHETE,                       
Had ladies all swoon at his feet.                           
One day, you know it,                                       
Another poet,                                               
Became the fickle gals' "Sweet".                            
                                                            
71469 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I once met an AFFLUENT gent;                                
He winked and I knew that that meant!                       
He'd wine me and dine me;                                   
Give jewels to "shine" me;                                  
'Twas in vain.  He was impotent.                            
                                                            
71470 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The abundance from the AFFLUENT                             
Has some consequences pursuant.                             
That which overflows                                        
Soon down the stream goes,                                  
And is seen by us as effluent.                              
                                                            
71471 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If you're AFFLUENT, the riches are flowing,                 
And you know the direction you're going.                    
But it will never stop                                      
Till you get to the top.                                    
There will always be someone you're blowing.                
                                                            
71472 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



I am completely agog and aghast                             
That anyone is a agelast.                                   
'Cause laughter for me                                      
Is surely the key                                           
To a life fill with happiness vast.                         
                                                            
71473 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



The aged AGELAST went to see                                
A saucy tart who "tricks" for a fee.                        
She said, "Hey there, hon,                                  
You're not too much fun.                                    
If you laugh, you can have one for free!"                   
                                                            
71474 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



An AGELAST of dour mien,                                    
Had peculiar way of just seein'                             
The sad part of life,                                       
With tragedy rife.                                          
And was a miserable bein'.                                  
                                                            
71475 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I must get this off of my chest:                            
Though I write these things just in jest,                   
Still he who laughs last,                                   
Unless an agelast,                                          
Is always the one who laughs best.                          
                                                            
71476 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



That grouch has a big smile shining,                        
And life, a new silver lining,                              
Because our old boy                                         
Has found his new joy,                                      
By engaging in strip mining.                                
                                                            
71477 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It shouldn't come as a surprise                             
That our public servants, so wise,                          
Whose salary is small,                                      
Live well after all,                                        
And with graft and greed AGGRANDIZE.                        
                                                            
71478 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's election time -- hear all the cries.                   
Their party each must AGGRANDIZE:                           
Every huckster's at pains                                   
To secure short-term gains                                  
And the channels are flooded with lies.                     
                                                            
71479 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



The pejorative self-AGGRANDIZE                              
Is more common nowadays to my eyes.                         
The ego inflating                                           
Preening and prating,                                       
Do make success material lies.                              
                                                            
71480 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Balkan War, some folks will surmise,                        
Will not lead to Bill's Nobel Prize.                        
It's easy to read                                           
This naughty misdeed,                                       
As attempt to self-AGGRANDIZE.                              
                                                            
71481 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Enlarging, enhancing, AGGRANDIZE,                           
As some egos do grow in their size,                         
Applies with some keening                                   
To pride overweening,                                       
And the need for political lies.                            
                                                            
71482 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When you've chosen the word AGGRANDIZE,                     
It should not come to you as surprise,                      
Rhymers minds will trigger                                  
Thoughts implying bigger,                                   
And you'll get lots of paeans to size.                      
                                                            
71483 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



If a fellow thinks he's undersized,                         
Or if he is reluctant to rise,                              
There's Viagra, by George,                                  
Which can help him engorge.                                 
He can medically self-AGGRANDIZE.                           
                                                            
71484 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Some say it's not matter of size,                           
But a big one helps open her thighs.                        
And if you're well hung,                                    
You won't need the tongue.                                  
Check E-mail for ways to AGGRANDIZE.                        
                                                            
71485 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Once up, I endeavor to play                                 
Music writ in the classical way,                            
Which, at very least,                                       
Helps this human beast                                      
Soothe AGITA of each new day.                               
                                                            
71486 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In AGITA one finds anxiety,                                 
A bane of our civil society;                                
And gastric upset                                           
For the quiet set,                                          
Who cannot stomach impropriety.                             
                                                            
71487 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When raised with a conscience too strong,                   
One thinks all one does must be wrong.                      
An added mean bane                                          
In AGITA's pain,                                            
A punishment all one's life long.                           
                                                            
71488 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Leaking info is AGITPROP,                                   
Whether true or false, does not stop.                       
For intent is clear:                                        
Some people to smear,                                       
And change the power in the shop.                           
                                                            
71489 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Besmirching of Starr, AGITPROP,                             
Directed by man at the top,                                 
Whose approval grows,                                       
Like a puppets nose,                                        
And Nation's IQ's steeply drop.                             
                                                            
71490 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AGLEY, I've encountered in turns,                           
Something writ by Bobbie Burns,                             
'Bout best plans of men,                                    
Off-track now and then,                                     
A lesson in life that one learns.                           
                                                            
71491 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AHIMSA, mid mantras and chants,                             
A message of "shouldn'ts" and "can'ts",                     
Which beings protect,                                       
But I do suspect,                                           
It just lets us ravage poor plants.                         
                                                            
71492 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AHIMSA carried to an extreme                                
Is an impossible, nightmarish dream.                        
For plants are living,                                      
Their fruits are giving                                     
Embryonic form to life's new stream.                        
                                                            
71493 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With little or no introspection,                            
AHIMSA I'd give good erection.                              
But Schweitzer to Jains                                     
Would feel reverent pains,                                  
When I make mosquitoes exceptions.                          
                                                            
71494 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



AHIMSA, harm no living thing;                               
But just take what Earth's offering.                        
And thus to savor                                           
And curry favor                                             
With animists mushroom hunting.                             
                                                            
71495 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



AHIMSA means don't eat a hog,                               
Nor consume the legs of a frog.                             
Don't stomp on a lizard,                                    
Nor crave chicken gizzard,                                  
And refrain from wokking the dog.                           
                                                            
71496 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



AHIMSA the Hindus devote                                    
To keeping all violence remote.                             
This new word I've found,                                   
Most surely does sound                                      
Like somebody clearing one's throat.                        
                                                            
71497 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Said poor Cockney Bob, "I just 'ate                         
To waste my time on this 'ere AIT.                          
A-fishing all day,                                          
An' them gets away,                                         
An' wastes a good deal o' me bait."                         
                                                            
71498 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When Huck Finn discovered an AIT                            
In the river, he couldn't wait                              
For the solitude                                            
With its terpitude,                                         
And excape to another fate.                                 
                                                            
71499 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My house is quite near Chiswick Eyot,                       
A few miles upstream from the Tate.                         
The Boat Race goes past --                                  
The losers aghast,                                          
The winner elate in their eight.                            
                                                            
71500 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



ALBEIT, a useful contraction,                               
To modify stated reaction,                                  
And gain wiggle-space,                                      
When making a case,                                         
To bring about some satisfaction.                           
                                                            
71501 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A poet with scansion real bad,                              
Used alcohol when he was sad.                               
Then he'd try to rhyme,                                     
But most of the time,                                       
He, ALEMBIC pentameter had!                                 
                                                            
71502 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ALEMBICS in the Ozark hills,                                
Where, practices in sub rosa skills,                        
The moonshiners toil                                        
With kettles aboil,                                         
Though there they are still known as "stills."              
                                                            
71503 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ALFRESCO, not bounded by halls,                             
Or surrounded by ceilings and walls.                        
Though the great out-of-doors                               
Quite frequently bores,                                     
Compared to the great shopping malls.                       
                                                            
71504 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



California, is one place, it's true,                        
Where ALFRESCO is all the year through.                     
Outdoors seems to be                                        
Preferred, and you see                                      
That casual dress?  It will do!                             
                                                            
71505 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



ALFRESCO, untrammelled and free --                          
A chance to be stung by a bee,                              
And the poisonous ivy                                       
Can nettle your privy,                                      
If you nip 'round a bush for a pee.                         
                                                            
71506 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



What one does 'round the base of a tree,                    
Like any male dog running free,                             
May shock the unlearned,                                    
Whose senses are "burned",                                  
But Eva, it's all right with me.                            
                                                            
71507 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As this definition explains,                                
ALGOLAGNIA is sex, but with pains.                          
For me that's too rough;                                    
I guess I'm not tough                                       
Enough for the whips and the chains.                        
                                                            
71508 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An ALIENIST and potter made a team,                         
Not as strange as it may seem.                              
Interdisciplinary dynamics                                  
Produced "Psychoceramics,"                                  
And crackpots applauded the scheme.                         
                                                            
71509 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



How many a crook has been caught                            
Escaping with penalty naught,                               
Avoiding the sword,                                         
'Cause he could afford                                      
The best of an ALIENEST bought.                             
                                                            
71510 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Poisons may cause ALOPECIA,                                 
Slow-acting as Borgia Lucretia;                             
Had her victims known,                                      
The might then have flown,                                  
To rise again from Phoenicia.                               
                                                            
71511 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If you might show a bald spot,                              
ALOPECIA is all that you've got.                            
There are many kinds,                                       
The good doctor finds                                       
A specific cause, if he's hot.                              
                                                            
71512 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ALOPECIA, the medical touch,                                
Connotes things of hair loss, and such.                     
The skin doc amuses,                                        
Because what he uses,                                       
Can sure make the bill's twice as much.                     
                                                            
71513 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A perfect example of ALTERITY                               
Are the newly-rich reduced to austerity.                    
With the market booming,                                    
They ignored the looming                                    
Return of the cyclical verity.                              
                                                            
71514 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



When to New Orleans I'd first visit,                        
With food and quaint sights exquisite,                      
The tongue of the city,                                     
Sure ALTERITY.                                              
Supposedly English, or is it?                               
                                                            
71515 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The AMATIVE angst of sweet Anne,                            
To depths of her very soul ran.                             
Teen, mad at herself,                                       
Already on shelf,                                           
'Cause she hadn't slept with a man.                         
                                                            
71516 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though she's slow in pursuits AMATIVE,                      
Once started, our Anne's animative                          
And does quite enjoy                                        
A certain old boy                                           
Whose thoughts run to acts combinative.                     
                                                            
71517 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As AMATIVE amateurs go,                                     
She went.  And so now she's a pro.                          
Her menu for men:                                           
A condom, and then                                          
A hand-job, vaginal, or blow.                               
                                                            
71518 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Ambitious ones may stretch the AMBIT,                       
Like young male sheep who have rammed it                    
Up hill and down dale,                                      
Quite beyond the pale,                                      
In search of ewe needing a lamb it.                         
                                                            
71519 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My poetic AMBIT confines                                    
Me to a limit of fine lines,                                
But I do what I can                                         
In pentatette's span,                                       
Through which salacious stuff shines.                       
                                                            
71520 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AMBROSIA, the "food of the gods",                           
Ingested by mere mortal clods,                              
With nectar as wash                                         
Will most hungers quash,                                    
And help to add girth to their bods.                        
                                                            
71521 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A nectar inspector and Zeus                                 
Got horribly smashed tasting juice.                         
Giggled Hebe, "That shows ya'                               
Should stick to AMBROSIA;                                   
With nectar, it's substance abuse!"                         
                                                            
71522 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Immortal gods' food, AMBROSIA,                              
Brought forth at all their symposia,                        
From gilt-edged portals.                                    
Not meant for mortals;                                      
Eat not or the gods'll hose ya'.                            
                                                            
71523 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



AMBSACE, an unpleasant surprise,                            
Means you've less than most other guys.                     
Bad omen, perhaps,                                          
Especially in craps,                                        
Wherein it is known as 'snake eyes'.                        
                                                            
71524 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The picnic was spread out very late;                        
It had clouded rain, so we couldn't wait.                   
Suddenly she doubled                                        
As thunder grumbled;                                        
Was is something Amelior ate?                               
                                                            
71525 WORDS - DEFINED                Luana Namaste            



Ameliorate Earhart flew                                     
Coast to coast alone, it is true.                           
She then tried the world,                                   
Her neck scarf unfurled,                                    
But was lost in Pacific blue.                               
                                                            
71526 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



Foul Fred fought at school he'd hated,                      
And fearsomme fusses created.                               
It's call A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder)               
In current P.C.,                                            
With drugs is AMELIORATED.                                  
                                                            
71527 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I was caught speeding!  Alas!                               
Too heavy my foot on the gas.                               
Result was AMERCE,                                          
But really, what's worse                                    
Is knowing that you were an ass.                            
                                                            
71528 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Billy Bob was AMERCED for his pranks,                       
To the tune of two thousand French francs.                  
With cold words, metallic,                                  
Judge call Bill's crimes Gallic                             
And stranded him on the Seine's banks.                      
                                                            
71529 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A transexual ran full AMOK,                                 
Looking to poke, stroke, or suck                            
Any gal or guy,                                             
That might just pass by,                                    
Attracted to such a queer duck.                             
                                                            
71530 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The riotous doings AMOK,                                    
Even by the high-muck-a-muck,                               
Serve to remind us                                          
Of what's behind us;                                        
There is always room for a schmuck.                         
                                                            
71531 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Wordplay we rarely will duck,                               
Although a fine balance we've struck;                       
With evil designs,                                          
Our perverted minds                                         
Are often sent punning AMOK.                                
                                                            
71532 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



A most useful sign, AMPERSAND,                              
Saves few letters that would spell "and";                   
Conserves vital space,                                      
In any old place,                                           
Especially with partners at hand.                           
                                                            
71533 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AMPERSAND, the concept linker,                              
Stands for AND for streamlined thinker;                     
Although some do feel                                       
That sign does appeal                                       
To only a tiddledewinker.                                   
                                                            
71534 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If bold AMPHIGORIES you'd write,                            
Make certain they're fluffy and bright,                     
With rhyme and great style,                                 
Which will make folks smile,                                
Like a literary light sprite.                               
                                                            
71535 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Nonsenseical text, AMPHIGORY,                               
May sometimes excape the wiggery.                           
Sound rather cocky                                          
Like Jabberwocky,                                           
But oft is just style of piggery.                           
                                                            
71536 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It is a bit tough, but I see a                              
Thing or two good 'bout AMUSIA.                             
When you hear some hooey                                    
Like say "Louie Louie,"                                     
No more will it greatly confuse ya.                         
                                                            
71537 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



With no harmonic sense, AMUSIA,                             
Be sure that a singer won't choose ya,                      
'Cause he'll drive ya crazy                                 
With corny tunes maizy,                                     
And other tidbits of dysgeusia.  (clinical lack of taste)   
                                                            
71538 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ANACOLUTHON to grammar                                      
Is nonsequitor hammer,                                      
Which fears no losses,                                      
Out the rules tosses,                                       
Sounding like kids Katzenjammer.                            
                                                            
71539 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ANACOLUTHON is, my dears,                                   
Culmination of all my worst fears.                          
It just serves to name,                                     
Goof in the word game;                                      
I've been doing many long years.                            
                                                            
71540 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The ANAGRAM is letter scramble,                             
Through which some keen minds like to ramble.               
But my puny brain                                           
They don't entertain.                                       
So on hidden script I won't gamble.                         
                                                            
71541 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My spelling is good, as you see.                            
The words come quite easily to me.                          
If my eyesight is bleary,                                   
And my eyes are all teary,                                  
It's clear I have "analogy."                                
                                                            
71542 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Inasmuch as she was a shilling;                             
Inasmuch as she was so willing.                             
Inasmuch as six inches                                      
When cop's lantern pinch us:                                
Inasmuch as six months just a-swilling.                     
(poetic repitition)                                         
71543 WORDS - DEFINED                Naz                      



ANASTROPHE's like ANODE;                                    
CATASTROPHE like CATHODE.                                   
Seems clear to me                                           
The meaning should be:                                      
"Event in super good mode."                                 
                                                            
71544 WORDS - DEFINED                Phylcarp                 



ANASTROPHE, say only can I,                                 
Speak to, way weird, if you try,                            
Don't flow like smooth satin,                               
Sounds like pig Latin,                                      
With erudite sound hard to buy.                             
(inversion of normal word order, to market she went)        
71545 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Old poets know ANASTROPHES,                                 
Endowing verse with past trophies,                          
Inverted word order,                                        
An inpact afforder                                          
And not linguistic catastrophes                             
                                                            
71546 WORDS - DEFINED                DMF                      



Heard "size doesn't matter," it's true!                     
And I want to reassure you                                  
I'd rather the part                                         
Be big...A man's heart;                                     
The part where anatomy won't do!                            
                                                            
71547 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Reclusive hermit, ANCHORITE,                                
Hanging in cave from stalagtite,                            
A wrecked loose old man;                                    
Can never get tan                                           
If impaled by a stalagmite.                                 
                                                            
71548 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel                   



That monk in a cave, not too bright,                        
Who did funny things there by night,                        
Like smoking things hip,                                    
In the end lost his grip,                                   
Becoming a loose ANCHORITE.                                 
                                                            
71549 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A virginal nun from Manila,                                 
With past pure and white, real vanilla,                     
Thought Justine was swell,                                  
Abandoned her cell,                                         
Bound for new life with ANCILLA.                            
                                                            
71550 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Surrounded by nubile ANCILLAE,                              
The boy from Hope, slick Willie,                            
Turned a few tricks                                         
With White House chicks                                     
Named Monica, Millie and Tillie.                            
                                                            
71551 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



ANHEDONIA's a state of despair,                             
Which hopefully is very rare.                               
I'd rather be groovy                                        
Like Marx Brothers movie,                                   
Enjoying a gleeful life's share.                            
                                                            
71552 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Miss Scarlette was all in a rage                            
When told to stop acting her age.                           
For to not seem anile                                       
Was completely futile,                                      
At her 95th birthday rampage.                               
                                                            
71553 WORDS - DEFINED                Karen Crawford           



Dame Edna, who with comic guile                             
Produces a laugh and a smile.                               
If you still don't know,                                    
Well, I'll tell you so,                                     
Is gent whose play acting's ANILE.                          
                                                            
71554 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When lumpfish eggs make their incursion,                    
Caviar freaks spewed ANIMADVERSION.                         
"That stuff's for the birds.                                
It's common beyond words!"                                  
They huffed as they destroyed the sturgeon.                 
                                                            
71555 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Critic's remarks, ANIMADVERSION,                            
Performers see as cast aspersion,                           
By those who do none                                        
Of things they have done.                                   
Of common sense, quite a subversion.                        
                                                            
71556 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Her ANIMADVERSION on size,                                  
Came to him as no surprise,                                 
Since he knew his tool,                                     
Though from midget school,                                  
Could perform, and please her, likewise.                    
                                                            
71557 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Heating and cooling is ANNEAL;                              
May soften glass and temper steel,                          
But lead to breezes,                                        
Causing me sneezes                                          
And sinuses feeling surreal.                                
                                                            
71558 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ANNEAL, defintion's a bore,                                 
But etymological store,                                     
Says that "al" means fire,                                  
Which describes entire                                      
"Friend of Enviroment", Gore.                               
                                                            
71559 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris                    



ANNELIDOUS, for crossword vets,                             
Clue that is hedging the bets,                              
You can go to town,                                         
On 24 down,                                                 
"Rare adj. for what early bird gets."                       
                                                            
71560 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Segmentally ringed, ANNELIDOUS,                             
Earthworms are also lumbricidous,                           
Their channeling forms                                      
Good drainage for storms,                                   
Though slimy trails are lubricidous.                        
                                                            
71561 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When stalking the tasty ANNELIDOUS,                         
Early bird must be quite insidious.                         
For a worm's full of slime,                                 
To him it's no crime --                                     
Little bird cannot be too fastidious.                       
                                                            
71562 WORDS - DEFINED                Sue                      



The beauty he doted upon,                                   
Said he'd get his reward ANON.                              
His pockets she'd clean                                     
And then fled the scene;                                    
Both money and maiden long gone.                            
                                                            
71563 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It comes at once, or shortly, ANON,                         
This thing with men who smell chiffon.                      
Be they quite portly,                                       
Or young and sportly,                                       
They will dream of coming on an' on.                        
                                                            
71564 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There was virile bridegroom named John,                     
Whose wife put her lingerie on,                             
With hope that his thing                                    
To a great size might bring,                                
So she could have it ANON and on and on.                    
                                                            
71565 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There!  Hope it meets the occasion.                         
I need very little persuasion                               
To turn limerick dandy                                      
To something quite randy,                                   
Whether it brings denigration.                              
                                                            
71566 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"On and on," if of bridegrooms you mean,                    
In years when a marriage is green,                          
Soon withers and fades                                      
And patience of maids                                       
Replaces the lust at the scene.                             
                                                            
71567 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If shortly, sometime soon be ANON,                          
Why do we over newlyweds fawn?                              
If thin or portly                                           
With manners courtly,                                       
We still hope for upstream trip to spawn.                   
                                                            
71568 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Both humans and fish have the hope                          
And sometimes one needs help to cope.                       
With ladders, perhaps,                                      
Both fish and some chaps                                    
Can either climb up or elope.                               
                                                            
71569 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ANOPSIA's loss of eyesight                                  
From structural defect or blight,                           
May be offset by nose                                       
And the glory of Rose,                                      
Whose petals are silky at night.                            
                                                            
71570 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ANOPSIA brings visual trouble;                              
If partial, the victim sees double.                         
In any case cost:                                           
Depth vision is lost,                                       
With targets missed, historic rubble.                       
                                                            
71571 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A lass from the days ANTEBELLUM,                            
With warm charms enough, she could sell 'em.                
She made love to the fleet                                  
In ways so descrete,                                        
That she'd never kiss, much less tell 'em.                  
                                                            
71572 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For lyrics third from line is fine,                         
Though in limericcks like mine, divine,                     
It's tough thing to bring,                                  
Make verse swing and sing,                                  
I just think I'll decline design!                           
                                                            
71573 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Next-to-next-to-last, ANTEPENULT,                           
Requires sophistication adult,                              
Like that of Coward,                                        
Whose lyrics flowered                                       
And "You're the Top" did him catapult.                      
                                                            
71574 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Man-eater is ANTHROPOPHAGUS,                                
Perhaps of woman GYNOPHAGUS;                                
Point shouldn't be missed,                                  
With misanthropist,                                         
There's no neeed for a SARCOPHAGUS.                         
                                                            
71575 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I hope you won't find me unstable,                          
But I find that I'm only able                               
In a manner unkind,                                         
To ANTIPHONY find,                                          
Right in Mendelev's Table.                                  
                                                            
71576 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As kids, excavation, deep-holed,                            
"To China", or else we "South Poled",                       
Those spots ANTIPODAL                                       
Are anecdotal;                                              
Australia's the place, I've geen told.                      
                                                            
71577 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An ANTIPYRETIC will aid                                     
The high temp that some virus made;                         
Though not the right lever                                  
For raging love fever,                                      
Where remedy is to get laid.                                
                                                            
71578 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Aspirin is good anesthetic;                                 
It also is ANTIPYRETIC.                                     
So if you feel ill,                                         
Take two of this pill,                                      
And avoid all actions athletic.                             
                                                            
71579 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I fear that the music today                                 
Grates on my poor ears in a way                             
Unesthetical,                                               
ANTITHETICAL,                                               
To helping me have a good day.                              
                                                            
71580 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Class definer, ANTONOMASIA,                                 
Now suffers from classic aphasia.                           
Paronomastic                                                
Trips on fantastic                                          
New words to delight and amaze ya.                          
                                                            
71581 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I hope I've offended no apes,                               
Or primates of other nice shapes,                           
Who don't pose at all,                                      
But in a cage small,                                        
Put up with our forementioned gapes.                        
                                                            
71582 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Amazing how silly folk freeze,                              
Into statues, attempting to squeeze                         
An image etern',                                            
They never will learn,                                      
But look like a bunch of monkeys.                           
                                                            
71583 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An opening, cleft, APERTURE,                                
May be gap 'twixt petals' soft blur,                        
Where blossom's locus                                       
Is central focus,                                           
Like some O'Keefe floral picture.                           
                                                            
71584 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The APERTURE, I do surmise,                                 
Like iris in front of my eyes,                              
Through camera lets in,                                     
The posed silly grin,                                       
Or open-mouthed looks of surprise.                          
                                                            
71585 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



APHELION, farthest away --                                  
Perihelion, closest say,                                    
Where Icarus fried                                          
And Daedalus cried,                                         
A feeling one's fathers betray.                             
                                                            
71586 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A fan (a nubile and feely one)                              
Said "Groupie?  Well no, I'm not really one.                
I'm so far from that star                                   
In his large pruple car,                                    
I feel like I'm at an APHELION!"                            
                                                            
71587 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva                      



The Earth far from sun APHELION                             
And close again at perihelion                               
Also does toddle,                                           
Wobble and waddle,                                          
Going from brown to green like chameleon.                   
                                                            
71588 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



APHELION means far from the sun,                            
As orbit, if you're in one,                                 
It gets colder there,                                       
Need a blanket to share,                                    
Or someone in bed for the fun.                              
                                                            
71589 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mid-east's in a state 'pocalyptic,                          
Awaits Saddam's files APODICTIC;                            
Since previous stuff                                        
Was garbage enough,                                         
Ill tempered, rehashed, and quite cryptic.                  
                                                            
71590 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'll send Wife a Valentine new                              
Expressing that tender Greek view:                          
For many a year                                             
You should know, my dear,                                   
My Love's APODICTIC for you!"                               
                                                            
71591 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For all that I know, quite contrary,                        
APOLLONIA, extraordinary;                                   
The strong toothless saint                                  
In ancient ways quaint,                                     
Became all children's "tooth fairy".                        
                                                            
71592 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



APOLLONIAN Russians, it seems,                              
Incorporate wheels in their themes,                         
In which they see sun,                                      
Though Freud, not undone,                                   
Found wheels that meant sex, in our dreams.                 
                                                            
71593 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The search for work APOLLONIAN                              
May lead to the fields Elbonian,                            
The mud-lands Dilbert's                                     
Where word-play Gilbert's                                   
Lost on management draconian.                               
                                                            
71594 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Harmonious, APOLLONIAN,                                     
Elysian fields Oxonian                                      
Were thought to be good                                     
When Newton there stood,                                    
But then dook dour tones Miltonian.                         
                                                            
71595 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



APOLOGIA like a swinging gate,                              
Depends on the weather and date,                            
And stands that you take,                                   
Mistakes that you make,                                     
On positions both small and great.                          
                                                            
71596 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



We saw APOLOGIA true,                                       
As Clinton tried his best to do                             
With Monica's name,                                         
But soon he found shame                                     
When he learned she save the dress, blue!                   
                                                            
71597 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



I do understandd why he lied!                               
He thought he would never be tried!                         
But I think that he,                                        
Was strong as can be                                        
And I'm glad this has finally died!                         
                                                            
71598 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



No man should have to go through                            
What Clinton was subjected to.                              
For many a man                                              
Would be in the pan                                         
And fried...or made into a stew!                            
                                                            
71599 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Now I don't condone what he did.                            
I would have flipped my proverbial lid!                     
If he was my guy,                                           
Then I would ask why,                                       
As I shampooed his body with "Rid".                         
                                                            
71600 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



APOPHASIS, Gilbert sure knew,                               
In G & S shows, quite a few.                                
It comes down to this;                                      
A man steals a kiss,                                        
Saying, "This is what I will not do!"                       
(denying you will say it, by saying it)                     
71601 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I once had a girlfriend named Gloria                        
Who uttered this anguished APORIA,                          
When three pals and I                                       
Decided to drop by.                                         
"You expect me to do the four o' ya?"                       
                                                            
71602 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The paradox of APORIA                                       
Runs counter oft to euphoria.                               
One cannot find joy                                         
When steak's made of soy,                                   
As sold in Vegan emporia.                                   
                                                            
71603 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



They both drank much wine from the cup,                     
Carousing throughout sumptious sup.                         
Much euphoria                                               
Then some APORIA,                                           
As gent couln't get his thing up.                           
                                                            
71604 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I really don't wish to berate                               
Or dwell on sordid "Oralgate".                              
The nation, it seems,                                       
Has a case of bad dreams,                                   
Hails Chief, APOTHEOSIS great.                              
                                                            
71605 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



APOTHEOSIS, heaven sent,                                    
Will have to bear Valhalla rent.                            
'Tis better, I think,                                       
Glenfidich to drink,                                        
Be merry with earthly content.                              
                                                            
71606 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To deify, APOTHEOSIS,                                       
From Man to God metamorphosis.                              
Transfiguration,                                            
Caligulation,                                               
To some though, it's simple psychosis.                      
                                                            
71607 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Political structure, APPARAT,                               
Is so often pejorative that                                 
It's hard to remember                                       
The word as an ember                                        
Of mechanisms for bureaucrat.                               
                                                            
71608 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



One longs to be in APPARAT,                                 
Where all power brokers are at.                             
The duties are light,                                       
And good perks are quite                                    
Expected by every fat cat.                                  
                                                            
71609 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The out-party Gov  of a state,                              
With an in-party House does not rate.                       
The Speaker controls                                        
Most votes on the rolls.                                    
The APPARAT seals the Gov's fate.                           
                                                            
71610 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



APPLE-POLISHER, I suppose,                                  
If ever you'd be one of those,                              
Is yet, all-in-all,                                         
A much nicer call,                                          
Than being known as a "brown-nose".                         
                                                            
71611 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of truth giving no indication,                              
With ethics on full year vacation,                          
They make livings, by gosh,                                 
Spewing pure APPLESAUCE;                                    
Spinmeisters work conning our nation.                       
                                                            
71612 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



APPLESAUCE in slang, I would guess;                         
Is polite way to avoid distress;                            
Informing a liar,                                           
Not stoking the fire                                        
By saying, "You're full of B.S."                            
                                                            
71613 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



APPRECIABLE, perceived or measured,                         
Has a sense of that which we treasured,                     
Though if it were more                                      
In our savings store,                                       
We'd be appreciably pleasured.                              
                                                            
71614 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I have it from sources impeachable                          
That fair taxing cuts are unreachable.                      
The bucks that bought ads                                   
Must be paid back with scads                                
Of tax cutting for assets appreciable.                      
                                                            
71615 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



The approval of APPROBATION                                 
May not bring him much commendation,                        
But if convict saves                                        
Himself from the graves,                                    
He may then wind up on probation.                           
                                                            
71616 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



We have an innate inclination                               
To vie for our peers' APPROBATION.                          
If, when it's not earned,                                   
It's also not spurned;                                      
Our character risks condemnation.                           
                                                            
71617 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A nun risked the bishop's condemnation                      
When she made a corporeal revelation.                       
But the monks were delighted.                               
No scripture was cited,                                     
And some offered wild APPROBATION.                          
                                                            
71618 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



APRON's from "napkin" derived,                              
By false splitting, it's so contrived.                      
When made out of tar,                                       
It's place where a car                                      
Or plane, either left or arrived.                           
                                                            
71619 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Governor LEADER once led PA.                                
Bart STARR shone brightly many a day.                       
As did two other STARRS;                                    
Kay sang; Blaze stripped in bars;                           
Tommy TUNE dances in New York's Broadway.                   
                                                            
71620 WORDS - DEFINED                Al Bienstock             



When name reflects work, it's APTRONYM,                     
A lovely way someone to enlimn.                             
And if the effect                                           
Gains fame to connect,                                      
That one may become a synonym.                              
                                                            
71621 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Peer Sing taught music in school.                           
Harry Balls shot excellent pool.                            
Both, you might say,                                        
Showed bright as day,                                       
An APTRONYM'S not always cool.                              
                                                            
71622 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



AQUADEXTROUS definition oughter                             
To be given some extra thought 'er                          
The word means, methinks,                                   
What's found in tubs, sinks                                 
Translated to merely "right water".                         
(abilitry to adjust bath water with toes)                   
71623 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AQUALIBRIUM, stream of perfection,                          
Yields, on some further reflection,                         
An new thought that toys,                                   
With word AQUAPOISE.                                        
The reader must make the selection.                         
(drinking fountain at the right height)                     
71624 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The crossbow enlarged to ARBALEST,                          
Allowing warriors to keep abreast.                          
They could launch a lance,                                  
Minimal advance,                                            
Through a far king's gilded, treasure chest.                
                                                            
71625 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In past, to do killing best,                                
Men died by the old ARBALEST,                               
It left some, you know,                                     
But knowledge would grow,                                   
To ways so we can nuke the rest.                            
                                                            
71626 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The ancient spear-throwing ARBALEST,                        
Revived for Lord of Rings armor fest,                       
Created such wounds                                         
That physicians swooned                                     
And bothered not with the herbalist.                        
                                                            
71627 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If you are a seeker of fun you                              
Might find you don't care to be run through                 
By the death-dealing jolt                                   
Of an ARBALEST's bolt,                                      
Which leaves holes you can look at the sun through.         
                                                            
71628 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



With cigars, to be a good ARBITER,                          
You need purity whiter than whiter.                         
You don't spoil good taste                                  
Or Cohibas waste                                            
In foreplay with bimbo one nighter.                         
                                                            
71629 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Multisyllabic hilarity,                                     
In truth, is surely a rarity,                               
Though lists arboreal,                                      
Nonsequitorial --                                           
Dendrologist's jocularity.                                  
                                                            
71630 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ARBORESCENT family tree,                                    
As twisted as twisted can be,                               
Has borne much queer fruit,                                 
From its gnarly root,                                       
Except at the top, where there's ME!                        
                                                            
71631 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sprouting mushroom, ARBORESCENT,                            
Tree-like bodies, tumescent.                                
Have odor fungal                                            
In duff of jungle,                                          
Where quick pick makes evanescent.                          
                                                            
71632 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In art, the ARCADIAN mood                                   
Supposes sylvan interlude.                                  
Whilst clothed guys pluck strings                           
Or scribble smart things,                                   
And ogle a lady fair, nude.                                 
                                                            
71633 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Walt Disney, on the other hand,                             
Drew to help Stokowski's band.                              
People half-horse                                           
All bent on love's course,                                  
In Pastoral Symphony grand.                                 
                                                            
71634 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The person who deals in ARCANA,                             
Can be in the ass, a real painer.                           
Though seemingly bright,                                    
One hopes that each might                                   
Speak in a manner much plainer.                             
                                                            
71635 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ARCANUM, or one thing arcane,                               
For most it's difficult to explain.                         
For me, one thing bugs,                                     
Those who must wear rugs,                                   
Instead shave, or try some Rogaine.                         
                                                            
71636 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



The problem with some ARCANUM                               
Is need to always explain 'em,                              
When look of delight                                        
Expected from bright,                                       
Becomes a blank interreggnum.                               
                                                            
71637 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Chain of Isles, ARCHEPELAGO,                                
Hawaiian styles of clothing so                              
Bright, light and airy,                                     
Skin damage hairy.                                          
Just watch old Archie's pelage go.                          
                                                            
71638 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I hope you won't think me a meany                           
To hold that real ARCHIMAGE genie                           
Was man of large frame,                                     
Who went by the name                                        
Of "The Great Harry Houdini."                               
                                                            
71639 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Vaudeville's first act was always funny                     
To set a mood that was sunny.                               
Then out on the stage                                       
Came the ARCHIMAGE,                                         
And out of his hat came a bunny.                            
                                                            
71640 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



ARCHIPELAGO Aleutian                                        
Was old Seward's contribution,                              
Increased U.S. size,                                        
And you may surmise                                         
Makes Mother Bunch Liliputian.                              
                                                            
71641 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



AREOLOGISTS scan Martian seas,                              
But some guys I know, if you please,                        
Areolas pursue                                              
With under-bra view,                                        
Of ladies engaged in strip-tease.                           
                                                            
71642 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some day we will all emigrate                               
To Mars, then our fifty-first state.                        
AREOLOGISTS say                                             
It's all ice.  It would pay                                 
To start now, to learn how to skate.                        
                                                            
71643 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



ARGY-BARGY, the tiff of some Brits,                         
Absorbing each other's word-hits,                           
Now please don't be flip,                                   
Keep stiff upper lip,                                       
And don't tread on each other's tits.                       
                                                            
71644 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A hooker plied trade in a park.                             
She was a penile ARISTARCH.                                 
"Not bad," was the best                                     
She'd give to her guest,                                    
When length reached her critical mark.                      
                                                            
71645 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I have a personal ARISTARCH,                                
She of the cutting remark.                                  
She lives under my roof                                     
And whenever I goof,                                        
Lets go with what sounds like a bark.                       
                                                            
71646 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The use of ARTERIOUS, neat,                                 
Referring to very large street,                             
When traffic won't budge,                                   
Like embolic sludge,                                        
Brings blockage that's almost complete.                     
                                                            
71647 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Surgeon dissector ARTERIOUS,                                
William Harvey was imperious,                               
Concept fantastic                                           
Iconoclastic:                                               
Circulation was venereous.                                  
                                                            
71648 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



While driving in traffic ARTERIOUS,                         
We sometimes become quite delirious.                        
Embolic traffic flow,                                       
Into fits does us throw --                                  
It's taken a bit much too serious.                          
                                                            
71649 WORDS - DEFINED                Sue Johnson              



ARTIFICE, the word makes me smile.                          
A nice and polite guise for 'guile'                         
One needs in position,                                      
If he be politician,                                        
Or will be only a short while.                              
                                                            
71650 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



What some think of as ASCETIC                               
Others may view as pathetic.                                
A life of denial                                            
Is not to my style.                                         
Ocassional pain beats steady anestheetic.                   
                                                            
71651 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A dummy, in action quite rash,                              
Invested a great deal of cash,                              
An ASHRAM he'd see,                                         
In high hope that he                                        
Might ram with a good piece of ash.                         
                                                            
71652 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Your salute to baseball batters                             
Whose ash bats ram balls to tatters,                        
Has naught to offer                                         
For the cash proffer,                                       
In the rash of ASHRAM matters.                              
                                                            
71653 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For manner rough, ASPERITY,                                 
The harshness of tone, severity,                            
From mother should be                                       
Enough that child see,                                      
Or suffer tender posterity.                                 
                                                            
71654 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Parvenu though flush with prosperity,                       
Shows signs of native ASPERITY,                             
Pulls minor gaffs dumb,                                     
Picks nose with his thumb,                                  
Inspects "find" without much temerity.                      
                                                            
71655 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ASPERITY, handling rough,                                   
And treating in manner that's tough,                        
Like dealing with brat                                      
Who torched pussy cat,                                      
With barely a conscience enough.                            
                                                            
71656 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I follow folly's excursions,                                
With my very frequent ASPERSIONS,                           
'Bout ribald, lech, monks,                                  
And hermit-cave-hunks,                                      
All seeking sexual diversions.                              
                                                            
71657 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Restaurant critics ASSAY                                    
The table and soup of the day,                              
And now and again,                                          
Get dose of ptomaine,                                       
From sampling a sour souffle.                               
                                                            
71658 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The critic who attends a new play,                          
Will artistic merit ASSAY,                                  
May give his assent                                         
Or perhaps be bent,                                         
To view in a most jaundiced way.                            
                                                            
71659 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Man's mettle is what we ASSAY,                              
In getting through each dawning day,                        
"Is this fellow good?,                                      
Or maybe we should,                                         
Just nod, and get out of his way."                          
                                                            
71660 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An ASSIDUOUS mother, that's me,                             
With only one offspring, a he,                              
Is discovering how                                          
To let go right now.                                        
Since he has discovered a she!                              
                                                            
71661 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



The Hermit, who's well known to us,                         
Was quite a lascivious cuss.                                
With moral decay,                                           
He'd try every way,                                         
To goose gals, in pursuit ASSIDUOUS.                        
                                                            
71662 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They say I must atone for my sins,                          
Said with scowls and frowns, and not grins.                 
Now I'd better ASSOIL,                                      
Through penance and toil,                                   
Else they notify my next of kin.                            
                                                            
71663 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



The misdeeds for which I must atone,                        
I'd rather weren't so widely well-known.                    
For I must now ASSOIL,                                      
Play according to Hoyle,                                    
The ace up my sleeve has been blown.                        
                                                            
71664 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



I beat breast and sadly ASSOIL,                             
When I without thinking will spoil                          
Great moments in life                                       
With my loving wife,                                        
By taking for granted her toil.                             
                                                            
71665 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Atone and pardon, both in ASSOIL,                           
Are necessary in our turmoil.                               
For when war-riven,                                         
Who's asked and given                                       
Must not from any other recoil.                             
                                                            
71666 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With hormones and lust at a boil,                           
A babe he sought out as a foil,                             
But she was so hot,                                         
To early he shot,                                           
And shorts went to wash to ASSOIL.                          
                                                            
71667 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



With troublesome thought I do moil,                         
When terror arrived on our soil,                            
I haven't a doubt                                           
How it will turn out,                                       
But I won't grant their leader ASSOIL!                      
                                                            
71668 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Bad actor performing on stage,                              
Flew into an uncontrolled rage,                             
When the young daters                                       
And older spectators                                        
Declined to applaud or ASSUAGE!                             
                                                            
71669 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



To use soothing talk to ASSUAGE                             
And otherwise guilt camouflage,                             
The Arab emirs                                              
Shed crocodile tears                                        
Midst statements of outright garbage.                       
                                                            
71670 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An eartly blemish or ASTROBLEME                             
Gives evidence of a blast supreme,                          
Where meteor struck,                                        
Leaving only muck,                                          
Like Yankee view of the Castro theme.                       
                                                            
71671 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though ASYNDETON lacks coupling frame,                      
As in "veni vidi vici" fame,                                
The short verse above                                       
Describes coupling love,                                    
As one I saw, I conquered, I came.                          
                                                            
71672 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ASYNDETON's brief, you can bet,                             
With summary good as you get;                               
Like life's mating game                                     
Expressed in phrase lame:                                   
Gal he met, bride he'd get, now all wet!                    
(no conjunctions)                                           
71673 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ATHENAEUM is a place where,                                 
Of knowledge, you'll find a good share,                     
But prepare to delve                                        
And not your mind shelve,                                   
Or sit there with a glassy stare.                           
                                                            
71674 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Classic library, ATHENAEUM,                                 
To youth of today is museum,                                
Which to logophiles                                         
Brings frowns and not smiles,                               
A pain in the peritoneum.                                   
                                                            
71675 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Fford             



ATOMY, a mote or small thing,                               
Male anatomy, thief Time will bring,                        
To such a bad past,                                         
Unless old gent, fast,                                      
Lets Viagra the ancient chimes ring.                        
                                                            
71676 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ATRABILIOUS people, it's said,                              
Are those that most others would dread.                     
If only their doc                                           
Would give 'lectric shocks,                                 
Or Zoloft and Prozac, instead.                              
                                                            
71677 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He said he was sorry he stained her,                        
That scalawag "Bill of ATTAINDER;"                          
Though impeachment met,                                     
No punishment get,                                          
And served out his term, the remainder.                     
                                                            
71678 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In the old days it was "dinner at 8"                        
But the guests always showed up late.                       
Cocktails came first                                        
And were carefully nursed,                                  
And finally, ATTENUATE.                                     
                                                            
71679 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Reduced and thinning, ATTENUATE,                            
Those circumstances extenuate                               
The sentence of life:                                       
That weight gaining strife,                                 
Which for some yields a tenuous fate.                       
                                                            
71680 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Invite six for dinner at eight,                             
Then twelve come expecting a plate.                         
To help feed the group,                                     
Thank God there's the soup,                                 
Which we'll have to ATTENUATE.                              
                                                            
71681 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Fed up with prolonged criticism,                            
He gave in to his cynicism                                  
And resigned with a splash                                  
Plus a bit of panache,                                      
With a note showing his ATTICISM.                           
                                                            
71682 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



"Ain't" is a mere graticism,                                
Far removed from ATTICISM,                                  
And sure to offend                                          
Those who won't undbend                                     
From grammar's fanaticism.                                  
                                                            
71683 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Concise, elegant, ATTICISM                                  
Makes for beautiful witticism;                              
Though remarks fulgent                                      
Are self-indulgent                                          
To pendants filled with critism.                            
                                                            
71684 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



AUFKLARUNG, the enlightenment,                              
Must surely have seemed heaven sent;                        
Such an explanation                                         
To our lowly station                                        
Brings insight to things that were bent.                    
                                                            
71685 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Surgeon General tobacco folks stung                         
With report, breakthrough AUFKLARUNG,                       
Said, "Smoke if you must;                                   
The result unjust,                                          
Is cancer will rot out your lung."                          
                                                            
71686 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If anything whatever is AUGHT,                              
No matter what might then have been sought,                 
Then we're satisfied                                        
That nothing we've tried,                                   
Will always be seen by some as naught.                      
                                                            
71687 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The wildcatters use sense of smell                          
Of oil tracings, which might then tell                      
If they might get less,                                     
Or have great success,                                      
Evincing that they'd AUGURED well.                          
                                                            
71688 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



'Twas done for nom-medical friends,                         
So no incorrect message it sends,                           
No hair in my heart,                                        
Its AURICLE part,                                           
Is not what my message intends.                             
                                                            
71689 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In search of bijoux AURIFEROUS,                             
As well as those diamondiferous,                            
Leads many young chicks                                     
From out in the sticks                                      
To acts becoming lactiferous.                               
                                                            
71690 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Conquistadors, surly and gritty,                            
In search of AURIFEROUS city,                               
A fabled mistake,                                           
Left death in their wake,                                   
Destroying so much, without pity.                           
                                                            
71691 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Be it student or Doc, AUSCULTATION,                         
Best never lead to osculation.                              
The law is quite clear;                                     
He's out on his rear,                                       
Even without copulation.                                    
                                                            
71692 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary                     



Male med student faced situation,                           
Lass needed chest AUSCULTATION,                             
With stethoscope pressed                                    
On virgin sweet breast,                                     
His tail wagged with turgid station.                        
                                                            
71693 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Even if patients are willing,                               
And eagerly beg for a thrilling,                            
Ribald culmination                                          
To said AUSCULTATION,                                       
The professional threats dictate chilling.                  
                                                            
71694 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary                     



A bird-watcher who's surreptitious,                         
Is cat, since it's one of its dishes.                       
It stalks winged prey                                       
In a most patient way,                                      
Waiting to pounce when AUSPICIOUS.                          
                                                            
71695 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The candles on the table were AUSPICIOUS,                   
And indeed, the food proved delicious.                      
As dessert was cleared,                                     
I stood up and cheered,                                     
Until I got stuck with the dishes.                          
                                                            
71696 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



The guys at the top of an AUTARCHY,                         
Whether chairmen or monarchy,                               
Tell all, "it's quite good",                                
Though all of us should                                     
Recognize that's so much malarkey.                          
                                                            
71697 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



AUTOCHTHONOUS, word for the day,                            
Place of origin comes into play.                            
I'd use it you see,                                         
Great deal frequently,                                      
Except it's so darn hard to say!                            
(indigenous)                                                
71698 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lions and tigers and bears,                                 
From their various haunts, dens, or lairs,                  
AUTOCHTHONOUS species                                       
Don't drive Mitsubishis;                                    
Each set of paws comes in two pairs.                        
                                                            
71699 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim D                    



Gunga Din said, "I am advising,                             
Sahib, so it won't be surprising.                           
You proud Brits should know,                                
The natives below                                           
Plan AUTOCHTHONOUS uprising.                                
                                                            
71700 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The best of the beaux lot so far,                           
Smart, kind, and polite, above par.                         
Does folks satisfy,                                         
But girl wants to try                                       
For soulmate, god-sent AVATAR.                              
                                                            
71701 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I spend my days smoking a cigar                             
And playing with my little Italian car.                     
Occasionally I'll take time                                 
To compose a rhyme,                                         
But of ambition, I'm no avatar.                             
                                                            
71702 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



O'Brien's Aubrey is AVATAR                                  
Of Britain's navy, time long afar,                          
When fine wooden ships                                      
Gave many French slips,                                     
And new meaning to girl's "have a tar."                     
                                                            
71703 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As a golfer, he's well under par.                           
He's a hero in the local bar.                               
In poolroom, he's super.                                    
Looks like Gary Cooper.                                     
That's me -- in my dreams -- my AVATAR.                     
                                                            
71704 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A married lass, some five months gravid,                    
For pickles developed taste AVID.                           
She pled and she whined                                     
For the treat well-brined;                                  
Said Freud, "She simply but have id."                       
                                                            
71705 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Man and bird both AVIGATE                                   
In search of a suitable mate.                               
The bird then gets by                                       
With a worm or a fly,                                       
While man strives for mighty estate.                        
                                                            
71706 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In-flight wayfinding, AVIGATION,                            
Is sometimes source of aggravation;                         
In air lanes crowded                                        
With vision clouded,                                        
There's chance of error porpagation.                        
                                                            
71707 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With a case of wayward AVIGATION,                           
We're offered this lame explanation:                        
"The FAA rebooter,                                          
Who runs our computer,                                      
Was visiting the comfort station."                          
                                                            
71708 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



An AVUNCULAR uncle named Fred                               
Enticed a young girl to his bed --                          
He plied her with candy                                     
And kittens and brandy;                                     
She demurred with demarch and then fled!                    
                                                            
71709 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



A hermit, the kind who is monkular,                         
Blessed all in the manner AVUNCULAR,                        
But kept a bawdy wench                                      
Inside near his bench,                                      
Ready for times he might dunkle her.                        
                                                            
71710 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Kindly and gentle, AVUNCULAR,                               
Ought not to have linkings peduncular,                      
As one has suggested                                        
For monk who wrested                                        
On his bench with wench carbuncular.                        
                                                            
71711 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



AZIMUTH, civilian use rare,                                 
Gives help when one is getting there.                       
What pilots must know                                       
Lest they arrive "slow",                                    
And end up with an angry fare.                              
                                                            
71712 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It helps the big cannon to aim,                             
So the gunner will sharpen his game,                        
And land the big shell                                      
That blows foe to hell,                                     
Earning the sharpshooter fame.                              
                                                            
71713 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Blue suits, red ties -- that's your habit.                  
When the gold ring goes by, you grab it.                    
When the sun shines, you make hay.                          
You're a walking cliche,                                    
And the name for your lifestyle is BABBITT                  
                                                            
71714 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



What is it like to be Babbitt?                              
Sort of bad dream or bad habit.                             
Today's world isn't square                                  
So you'd best be aware;                                     
Old ideas are passe, that's the gambit.                     
                                                            
71715 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Today's youth, in perpetual grouse,                         
Consider Dad a BABBITT, a mouse.                            
Such gripes perfecting                                      
Meanwhile expecting                                         
Food and comfort that's in his house.                       
                                                            
71716 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There was a young man of Seattle                            
Who treated his wife as a chattel.                          
When renting her out,                                       
He'd tactlessly shout                                       
"I'm tired of her BABBLATIVE prattle."                      
                                                            
71717 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



There once was a BABBLATIVE bride,                          
Who kept her mouth open quite wide.                         
Extolling weird notions,                                    
So hubby's devotions                                        
Included some stuff on the side.                            
                                                            
71718 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Wine-loving reveler, BACCHANT,                              
As nun would have it, did not want,                         
For under his surplice                                      
was a sausage surplus:                                      
It the morning habit, her wont.                             
                                                            
71719 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I think badinage use is swell,                              
It's the light repartee, as you tell,                       
And its cousin, you see,                                    
We've used recently,                                        
That's persiflage, which counts as well.                    
                                                            
71720 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The largest of scams known these days,                      
Are our politicians' slick ways.                            
They lie, BAMBOOZLE,                                        
So that we will lose all                                    
Respect for their "governing" ways.                         
                                                            
71721 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



All husbands bamboozle real swell,                          
But just don't know their wives can tell.                   
We don't really care                                        
'Cause we know life is fair,                                
And that one day they'll all rot in hell.                   
                                                            
71722 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



BAMBOOZLE, to cheat or to dupe,                             
For some things, a person will stoop.                       
The most potent Rex,                                        
To get some good sex,                                       
Will gladly jump through lady's hoop.                       
                                                            
71723 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If candidates, public bamboozle,                            
In perfect world surely they lose'll.                       
This isn't Utopia --                                        
They're making a dope of ya.                                
I trust you an honest man chose'll.                         
                                                            
71724 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim Drew                 



In BANANA REPUBLIC we see,                                  
Though most folks are poor as can be,                       
Each lady and man                                           
Would shed the nice tan                                     
That gringos want so foolishly.                             
                                                            
71725 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BananaRepublic.com                                          
Is where the best presents come from.                       
So buy them here now,                                       
And stop fretting how                                       
To greet Christmas Day with aplomb.                         
                                                            
71726 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



With expensive tastes to be fed,                            
She turned to her BANAUSIC bed,                             
To ply ancient trade                                        
Of a willing maid,                                          
Well paid for whenever she spread.                          
                                                            
71727 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



J&J bandage is a BAND-AID,                                  
Trademarked and not what others have made;                  
Entered lexicon                                             
'Cause until boo-boo's gone,                                
The temporary fix is displayed.                             
                                                            
71728 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With each violent jiggle displayed,                         
A churning young stripper dismayed,                         
As pasty was lost,                                          
So free nipple tossed,                                      
Till covered by discrete BAND-AID.                          
                                                            
71729 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Grotessque imagery of BANDERSNATCH                          
From Lewis Carroll we attach                                
To any weird beast                                          
Or Southwest pig greased,                                   
Tarred and feathered in order to catch.                     
                                                            
71730 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Of all the weird people to hatch,                           
There's none to compare with or match,                      
As the sui generis type,                                    
Much given to hype,                                         
The frumious bold BANDERSNATCH.                             
                                                            
71731 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When a BANDERSNATCH stands on a crate                       
Labeled "soap" and spews frumious hate,                     
At whovever comes near                                      
And pours lies in their ear,                                
You can tell it's election time, mate.                      
                                                            
71732 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



A husband, while on drunken spree,                          
In tavern where he should not be,                           
Should anticipate                                           
To prevaricate,                                             
Then hear wails from spousal BANSHEE!                       
                                                            
71733 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



I swear to you this is no farce,                            
When French torturers weren't sparse,                       
They'd stick a rod                                          
Right into your bod;                                        
"De la barbs au cul" -- From beard to arse.                 
                                                            
71734 WORDS - DEFINED                Chaton                   



Seems France too, has its tales of old wives,               
'Cause there's others who say it derives                    
From grates made of wood,                                   
"Barbacoa", which could                                     
Itself be a legend that thrives.                            
                                                            
71735 WORDS - DEFINED                Hugh Clary               



A BARBICAN hard by a moat,                                  
A castle's defense to devote                                
Housed challenging guy,                                     
Whose "Who goes there?" cry,                                
Rang out in stentorian throat.                              
                                                            
71736 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



McCain and Finegold mean to storm                           
The stronghold, all cuddly and warm                         
Of those who'd sell vote                                    
And on "cash-cows" dote,                                    
BARBICANS of campaign reform.                               
                                                            
71737 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The thespian Simon Russell Beale,                           
BARDOLATER surely non-pareil,                               
With royal robes girt,                                      
On stage fell down hurt,                                    
But played on as though pain he'd not feel.                 
                                                            
71738 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



In Shakespeare worship, BARDOLATER                          
Displays the signs of idolater,                             
Though often it's just                                      
A logophile's lust                                          
And frenzy of bibliolater.                                  
                                                            
71739 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The mirror's view, cause for alarm,                         
Your health it will certainly harm;                         
If tummy is bulging                                         
From over indulging,                                        
Get thee to BARIATRIC "fat farm."                           
                                                            
71740 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'm not yet ready for BARIATRICS,                           
Though I'm way past doing gymnastics.                       
I'm not officially obese,                                   
But I love livers from geese,                               
And go for seconds and sometimes hat tricks.                
                                                            
71741 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Big boobs, car, apartment and rainment,                     
You get without work, trade, or payment.                    
TV's BARMECIDALS                                            
From programs and idols                                     
Mold character through entertainment.                       
                                                            
71742 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



In the sting of the con man's art,                          
BARMECIDE feels warm at the start.                          
But then the mark wakes,                                    
And angry, he takes                                         
Whatever revenge can impart.                                
(pretending to feed)                                        
71743 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



BARMECIDE word is a sleeper,                                
Smacks of some crazy thoughts deeper,   ('barmy side')      
Or suggests at least                                        
Quite another beast,                                        
Dispatching a saloon keeper.                                
(pretending to feed)                                        
71744 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Illusory feast, BARMECIDE,                                  
Con man's tool for a warm aside,                            
Is likely to be                                             
Much worse calumny,                                         
When mark's driven to homecide.                             
(pretending to feed)                                        
71745 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Great BASTION of laws, storied courts,                      
Which try felonies, civil torts,                            
Deprive liberty                                             
Of poor that they see,                                      
While setting free the well-heeled sorts.                   
                                                            
71746 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'm totally sympathetic                                     
With your situation BATHETIC.                               
Your story drear                                            
Makes me cry in my beer,                                    
And the effect is duretic.                                  
                                                            
71747 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Daily "soaps" full of BATHETIC tripe,                       
And themes of a sexual type,                                
Are not fun to watch,                                       
Except for the crotch                                       
Of leading babe, who's overripe.                            
                                                            
71748 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hauled into an E.R. one night,                              
A wounded man, still angry quite.                           
With back wound at hand,                                    
Quizzed by police band,                                     
Inquiring if he'd been in a fight.                          
                                                            
71749 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The sight, I will never forget,                             
An embedded steel BAYONET.                                  
The man, deep in pain,                                      
Said this false refrain,                                    
(Retribution was what he'd get).                            
                                                            
71750 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"Here's how the wound that I bring,                         
(He had no intention to "sing")                             
Got here this same night.                                   
While making it bright,                                     
It slipped, as I was polishing!"                            
                                                            
71751 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A signal for guidance is BEACON.                            
Its strength must not ever weaken,                          
For then we'd hit shoals                                    
Before reaching goals,                                      
Or whatever else we were seekin'.                           
                                                            
71752 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Our President's moral's are weak on                         
Matters that I'd like to speak on.                          
He's arrogant, pompous,                                     
In sore need of a compass;                                  
Follows a bad red-neck's BEACON.                            
                                                            
71753 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of her old age he'd not wisen,                              
If, with sexy ways, she'd BEDIZEN.                          
Her middle age creep,                                       
So her swain might keep,                                    
His gaze 'neath the pelvic horizon.                         
                                                            
71754 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The gaudy costumes do BEDIZEN                               
Mummers' parades and I'm surmisin'                          
That bangles and glitters                                   
Cause giggles and titters                                   
Among all as the moon is risin'.                            
                                                            
71755 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Ms West bought some gold lame;                              
Self bedizened a new play.                                  
Truth unvarnished;                                          
Gold cloth tarnished --                                     
"I've been thimble-rigged," said Mae.                       
                                                            
71756 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



BEDLAM is home for insane,                                  
Although cocktail parties inane,                            
To which I'm averse,                                        
In banal immeresed,                                         
Drive me to asylum in pain.                                 
(Have tedium deeply ingrained)                              
71757 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The charms of good music extol,                             
For now our sweet sanity's stole.                           
Much BEDLAM in store,                                       
From rappers galore,                                        
Worse even that old rock and roll.                          
                                                            
71758 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BEDLAM'S confusion, mouths of foam,                         
Like teen youths after jereboam.                            
In pusuit of the souse --                                   
Is it a madhouse?                                           
No, indeed, it's my private home.                           
                                                            
71759 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel                   



When oft I got sick, Ma got mad.                            
From her no sweet BEESTINGS I'd had.                        
She strongly decreed                                        
She'd never breast feed.                                    
To bottle feed, then, was the fad.                          
                                                            
71760 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Early milk productions are BEESTINGS                        
To provide little ones with feastings.                      
Though some colostrum                                       
Flows over rostrum,                                         
To yield some off odors of yeastings.                       
                                                            
71761 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The BEESTINGS that come from the breast                     
And not from a winged, barbed pest,                         
Help immunity                                               
Of her fond baby,                                           
Who finds it a boon, well expressed.                        
                                                            
71762 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Oh the extreme udder blindness,                             
When ladies seek fads of one mindness,                      
And deprive their kits                                      
The joy of their tits,                                      
And eschew the milk of such kindness.                       
                                                            
71763 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



These BEESTINGS: I'll bet you good money                    
Don't come from a bee, but it's funny,                      
That things of this ilk,                                    
Like the first blush of milk,                               
Are manna from Mom.  "Milkin' Honey?"                       
                                                            
71764 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



A push may be needed to move                                
Me out of a rut or a groove;                                
It's better than kick,                                      
Or poke with a stick,                                       
No more than I deem to BEHOOVE.                             
                                                            
71765 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



What's needed and proper, BEHOOVES,                         
An escaping vacation proves;                                
It heals body/mind,                                         
I think you will find,                                      
Much like vist to the Louvre.                               
                                                            
71766 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The feelings one does not BELIE,                            
When responding with a great sigh,                          
For that's obvious                                          
And it's always thus;                                       
You might as well give up and cry.                          
                                                            
71767 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Attempting to find wedded bliss,                            
Ere quarry found something amiss,                           
A hooker'd BELIE                                            
Just how she got by,                                        
Concealing the 'tells' of each kiss.                        
                                                            
71768 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BELLE EPOQUE, not recent time, when                         
Toulouse would get stoned, now and then,                    
And Marcel Proust wrote,                                    
Would pages devote                                          
To joys of a fresh madeleine.                               
                                                            
71769 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of San Francisco's BELLE EPOQUE,                            
I understand there's still much talk;                       
Our unfortunate age,                                        
We replace era sage                                         
With safe sex alerts and AIDS walk.                         
                                                            
71770 WORDS - DEFINED                Karen                    



BELLES-LETTRES, writing aesthetic,                          
Evokes feelings sympathetic;                                
Whether joy or glad                                         
Or painful and sad,                                         
The poet's glimpse is prophetic.                            
                                                            
71771 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



BELLES-LETTRES, stylish and light,                          
Can be either gloomy or bright,                             
Containing thought smart                                    
'Bout morals and art,                                       
Not science or facts, black and white.                      
                                                            
71772 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a BELLICOSE boy,                             
Who bullied his chums with great joy.                       
From such habits bad,                                       
He is friendless lad,                                       
Among momsers, he is real McCoy.  (bastard, nogoodnik)      
                                                            
71773 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sheep do learn to follow BELLWETHER                         
And thus to keep the flock together                         
Behind pseudo ram,                                          
Ewes might like to slam,                                    
But from looking, cannot tell whether.                      
                                                            
71774 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As one campanologist said,                                  
He's like a BELLWETHER in bed.                              
He does it so well;                                         
Keeps ringing my bell --                                    
Both since and before we were wed.                          
                                                            
71775 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Betty's bound to BELLWETHER beau,                           
A young man who was "in the know".                          
He wanted to bed                                            
Before they were wed,                                       
But she weathered his bell with loud "NO!"                  
                                                            
71776 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"I won't," she un-sheepishly cried,                         
"Give in to ewe.  Offer denied!                             
Your lust I'm denyin'                                       
For I know you're lyin.                                     
It's simply a matter of pride."                             
                                                            
71777 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



"Regardless of whether I am                                 
Just lyin' or merely a ram,"                                
Said Beau, "Here behold it;                                 
The Bible foretold it:                                      
The lyin' will lie with a lamb."                            
                                                            
71778 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Resisting her lusty old beau,                               
Who had the gal pissed; rightly so.                         
The belle known as Beth,                                    
Who couldn't say "yeth"                                     
Told bellwether beau where to go.                           
                                                            
71779 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



San Francisco, seen from BELVEDERE,                         
Seems like tiara or flaming bier,                           
With Golden Gate Park                                       
And Tiburon's shark,                                        
Enticing tourists from the long pier.                       
                                                            
71780 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



High on the hilltop of BELVEDERE                            
Lived ecdysiast Lily St. Cyr,                               
While in a pagoda                                           
Lived Carol Doda,                                           
Who filled North Beach like no other peer.                  
                                                            
71781 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



BELVEDERE has beautiful sound,                              
Nice structure with view all around.                        
Eyeful of pleasure,                                         
Suggestions of leisure,                                     
Serenity's sure to be found.                                
                                                            
71782 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Dazzle into belief, BEMUSE                                  
Also suggests one to confuse,                               
As by slick salesman                                        
Or singing Wales man,                                       
Whose dulcet tones may bring on blues.                      
                                                            
71783 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



By Fair Sex most men are BEMUSED,                           
And by their sweet presence enthused,                       
To act in a way,                                            
Of mating display,                                          
Hormonally over-infused.                                    
                                                            
71784 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



BEMUSED and bewildered I've been.                           
Especially when dealing with men!                           
But I will say this:                                        
When right...it is bliss!                                   
So I'll have to try once again!                             
                                                            
71785 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



Go to it! The right thing to do,                            
Life's better when shared by wed two.                       
Or if you don't wed,                                        
Then share your warm bed,                                   
With someone who really loves you!                          
                                                            
71786 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



Our bed has been shared as a "three",                       
Add one Doberman pedigree,                                  
It's better than floor,                                     
And just one more snore,                                    
With nary so much much as a flea.                           
                                                            
71787 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



To say a person's BENIGHTED,                                
Implies that his morals are blighted.                       
Society's pest,                                             
Whose bent on a quest,                                      
That often is very short-sighted.                           
                                                            
71788 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The padre, without hearing aid,                             
Bad errors in commerce oft made.                            
Some BENISON sought,                                        
Were treated to naught,                                     
Save stew from the deer he had slayed.                      
                                                            
71789 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A BENISON, I am just guessing                               
Is really much more than a blessing;                        
Not something priests do                                    
Right after "Ah-choo!"                                      
Unless it should come while confessing.                     
                                                            
71790 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Sedimentary stuff BENTHIC                                   
Accumulates and has been thick                              
Where bottom feeders sift                                   
And little larvae drift,                                    
Attracted to odors menthic.                                 
                                                            
71791 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Marine biologists BENTHIC,                                  
Suffering pains like helminthic,                            
One treats by bending                                       
Elbows unending,                                            
With bottles of potions nepenthic.                          
                                                            
71792 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Benthos is sea's deepest place,                             
Which Man now just starts to deface.                        
Marine life abounds;                                        
It's no dumping grounds;                                    
To use it as such is disgrace.                              
                                                            
71793 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Said Queen 'Liz, "Were I crested not cleft,                 
You would not treat me thus!" as she left                   
Phillip Sidney and Drake                                    
Her appointments to take.                                   
"Of my dignity I am BEREFT!"                                
(literal quote form Elizabeth I)                            
71794 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Deprived and bereaved is BEREFT,                            
As lately is humor so cleft                                 
From Partner's verses,                                      
But what's much worse is                                    
The need for some wash out with Dreft.                      
(first commercial detergent)                                
71795 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Now here is a word just for me;                             
BEREFT is how I seem to be.                                 
But it won't be long                                        
I'll sing a new song;                                       
My divorce will soon set me free.                           
                                                            
71796 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



You can see I am still in pain;                             
Every poem seems to have this refrain.                      
But when it is done,                                        
I'll focus on fun,                                          
And my life wil begin again!                                
                                                            
71797 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Whether low or high I.Q. you've got,                        
When with love of someone BESOT,                            
What you entertain,                                         
Short-circuits the brain,                                   
And comes from inferior spot.                               
                                                            
71798 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If with love or drink you're BESOT,                         
You've no other path to be thought;                         
Just in stupor wallow                                       
And silly pride swallow,                                    
Till morning's sanity be sought.                            
                                                            
71799 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The foolish remark is the BETISE;                           
It's a stupidity, if you please.                            
However, of course,                                         
From that end of a horse,                                   
There's a reason for smells in the breeze.                  
                                                            
71800 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The BETISE Of Barney the Boor                               
Was more than most folks could endure.                      
He sniff the perfume                                        
As wife entered the room,                                   
And declared it was eau de manure.                          
                                                            
71801 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The monarch, BETWIXT and between                            
His concubine fair and his queen,                           
Was satified both                                           
In bed and in troth --                                      
The details are somewhat obscene.                           
                                                            
71802 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



We all ask just what life may mean,                         
Before birth, forget gamete scene.                          
And after, who knows,                                       
Where mortal spark goes.                                    
So we ken BETWIXT and between.                              
                                                            
71803 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As a collector of stuffed Teddy Bears,                      
I have critters in beds and on chairs.                      
This BEVY of mine                                           
Won't complain or whine!                                    
They occasionally shed a few hairs.                         
                                                            
71804 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



No interest have I in real quail,                           
But BEVY of beauties ne'er fail,                            
To up and excite                                            
This man's apetite;                                         
There's something'bout both "birds" and "tail".             
                                                            
71805 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A cluster of parts is a Chevy,                              
And a bunch of big weights is a heavy.                      
General Custer's last cluster                               
Could be called a bust muster,                              
And a gaggle of girls is a BEVY.                            
                                                            
71806 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



When kids slurp their soup they will dribble-o,             
So they should not offer a quibble-o                        
To Mom, who perhaps                                         
Puts towels in their laps,                                  
It's safe to have those as a bib below.                     
                                                            
71807 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



I bought my dear a BIBELOT,                                 
In an effort to get her to know,                            
In my heart and head,                                       
There was Love, instead                                     
Of centered a few spans below.                              
                                                            
71808 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To be a successful gigolo,                                  
You must occasionally a gift bestow.                        
It shouldn't cost much;                                     
It needs just the right touch,                              
Something in the way of a BIBELOT.                          
                                                            
71809 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A fundamental man was he;                                   
He knew each psalm by memory.                               
But this minister bold                                      
Had to be told                                              
Not to practice BIBLIOLATRY.                                
                                                            
71810 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



To practice BIBLIOLATRY,                                    
One needs a good library,                                   
And speed-reading know-how                                  
Or else I do trow,                                          
Just hasn't a spare moment free.                            
                                                            
71811 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The BIGOT has a neck stiffer;                               
Tolerates not those who differ;                             
Insular, narrow,                                            
Others does harrow,                                         
Risking a blow to his sniffer.                              
                                                            
71812 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A bad kind of animal, BIGOT,                                
Dirt flows from out of his spigot.                          
He won't learn a bit;                                       
His bias is IT,                                             
Walk away with a curt "Frig it!"                            
                                                            
71813 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Fine jewelry, little BIJOU,                                 
Accompanied by billet-doux,                                 
Was all she needed,                                         
As he receded,                                              
To engender love's flames anew.                             
                                                            
71814 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Women are suckers, it's true,                               
For men who indulge with BIJOU.                             
But one quickly sees                                        
If intent is to please                                      
Or just have a quick rendezvous.                            
                                                            
71815 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



"Now darling, you take this BIJOU,                          
My sign of affection for you.                               
I hope in return,                                           
Your respect to earn,                                       
And receive a favor or two."                                
                                                            
71816 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The peevish person is BILIOUS,                              
Made worse by view supercilious,                            
And constant griping                                        
Or verbal sniping                                           
At those who are less punctilious.                          
                                                            
71817 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A dour old curmudgeon I know                                
Refuses to "go with the flow",                              
And in manner BILIOUS,                                      
Good manners skill-less,                                    
His upright third finger will show.                         
                                                            
71818 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A BILIOUS old couple named Todd                             
Were considered exceedingly odd.                            
They argued and cussed                                      
And ranted and fussed...                                    
They were just like two peeves in a pod!                    
                                                            
71819 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



How sad that some have such sad ways,                       
They prey on folks in later days.                           
A conscience they lack!                                     
They need a good smack!                                     
Pathetic!...To BILK somehow pays.                           
                                                            
71820 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



A leprauchan dwelt in a glen,                               
Would toy with some bulls now and then.                     
"They're easy to BILK,                                      
Because they've no milk                                     
Of kindness, just like mortal men."                         
                                                            
71821 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The turning of "sow's ear to silk",                         
The promise of slick swindler's ilk,                        
Requires belief                                             
Of greedy naif;                                             
Such prey's very easy to BILK.                              
                                                            
71822 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Said a dairy farm owner named Moffit,                       
"Though I am pulling down quite a profit,                   
The government's BILKin'                                    
My income from milkin'                                      
'Cause the tax-man can't keep his hands off it!"            
                                                            
71823 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



Wafting breezes grow billowy,                               
Swirling gowns about willowy                                
Maidens of a kind,                                          
Bringing oft to mind                                        
Mysteries climaxed pillowy.                                 
(2nd longest English word with letters alphabetical)        
71824 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



BIMILLENARY, two  Roman M's fat,                            
In few months is where we'll be at.                         
But other thought had,                                      
Seems like selling ad,                                      
For expensive, plumed, lady's hat.                          
                                                            
71825 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The homeless wanderer, BINDLE STIFF,                        
Oft joins others at night under cliff.                      
But in the morning,                                         
Arguments borning,                                          
In a whose roll is whose bindle tiff.                       
                                                            
71826 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



"Small price," said Gran with a smile,                      
After churning and baking a while.                          
The BINDLE STIFF lopped,                                    
Then split up and chopped                                   
All the logs in the back yard wood pile.                    
                                                            
71827 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Container-ized cargoes abound,                              
Where ever our rail lines are found.                        
And box cars that roam,                                     
The BINDLE STIFF's home,                                    
Will be, all too soon, run aground.                         
                                                            
71828 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They'll need to hop big rigs for ride,                      
Across our large land's country side.                       
And teamsters cajole                                        
To further their role,                                      
As loners without civic pride.                              
                                                            
71829 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BISSEXTILE is not what you'd guess;                         
It's nothing to do with one's dress,                        
What under it dangles,                                      
Nor bisecting angles,                                       
And this has caused me some distress.                       
                                                            
71830 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



I have a friend who's BISSEXTILE.                           
He lives an unusual lifestyle.                              
In leap years it's boys                                     
Who are his sexual toys.                                    
Then he switches to girls for a while.                      
                                                            
71831 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



For those with BISSEXTILE birth hung,                       
Though with less celebrations stung,                        
When counting birthdays,                                    
Their friends will amaze,                                   
By staying some several years young.                        
                                                            
71832 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BLIGHTY, UK home, has got by me.                            
The place where the folks might say Blimey!                 
Whose sailors are tough                                     
From citrus enough,                                         
Which earns one the fine name of Limey.                     
                                                            
71833 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Looking back on England as BLIGHTY                          
Is taken these days rather flighty.                         
Along with strange coaches,                                 
An influx of roaches,                                       
and pillows one describes as mity.                          
                                                            
71834 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Local beer, jacket spuds and the scone,                     
I enjoy when in BLIGHTY alone.                              
But others on trips,                                        
Who eat fish and chips,                                     
Do deserve a thumbs down and a groan.                       
                                                            
71835 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



BLITHESOME Betty was buxom as well,                         
With no wicked thoughts, so they tell;                      
She sure liked to please                                    
And was there to squeeze,                                   
Which the local swains saw as swell.                        
                                                            
71836 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To be a Senator must be great;                              
Six years to stand in for your state.                       
And serve with like 'leeches'                               
By making long speeches                                     
And Biblical bile BLOVIATE.                                 
                                                            
71837 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When politicians are BLOVIATIVE,                            
Their ideas are much less creative;                         
If they act by rote,                                        
They won't get my vote;                                     
Then I feel alsmost celebrative!                            
                                                            
71838 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



An Aussie beachcomber would BLUDGE                          
And settle occasional grudge                                
With fists all aflail,                                      
Then landed in goal                                         
Through deed of a pacifist judge.                           
                                                            
71839 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



the ones who sponge from State do BLUDGE                    
And make a productivity smudge.                             
But surely that life,                                       
Without working strife,                                     
Must certainly be a sort of drudge.                         
                                                            
71840 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I know someone who's a BLUDGE;                              
From work he always will fudge.                             
He'll thik up excuses,                                      
Employ any ruses                                            
To stay "slug-a-bed"!  He won't budge!                      
                                                            
71841 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



When BLUEBEARD was down to last wife,                       
The settlement: forfeit his life.                           
By then he had learned,                                     
You're sure to get burned,                                  
By serial marital strife.                                   
                                                            
71842 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BLUEBEARD's a brute, but of course;                         
Resorted to much evil force.                                
On the other hand,                                          
He just could not stand                                     
The high price of getting divorce.                          
                                                            
71843 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BLUESTOCKINGS, an interesting fact,                         
A derisive term to react                                    
To women of old,                                            
Who now could be told                                       
of the Equal Opportunity Act.                               
                                                            
71844 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Derisive epithet, BLUESTOCKING,                             
An attempt by some men at mocking,                          
Was soon turned about                                       
By women, no doubt,                                         
With an eye to be seen as shocking.                         
                                                            
71845 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



BLUESTOCKINGS, reading bright buds,                         
More than romance and soap suds,                            
Quite proper, I'm bound,                                    
Originally found,                                           
Exclusively in the blue bloods.                             
                                                            
71846 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A BOBBY strolled in Soho's night air,                       
Whistling tunes to the ladies there.                        
The prettiest picked,                                       
But was himself nicked                                      
For pinching the London derriere.                           
                                                            
71847 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



London policeman is BOBBY,                                  
Which is not what makes me so sobby;                        
It's how English cooks                                      
Make pies of the rooks                                      
And stews them all filled with kohlrabi.                    
                                                            
71848 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An ethical hermit is Dave;                                  
No ovines has he in his cave.                               
No live ewe nor ram                                         
Endures his wham bam;                                       
BOEOTIAN, though, Dave can behave.                          
                                                            
71849 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I'm shunning a BOEOTIAN boor,                               
Who is just too much to endure.                             
His unwashed hair flows,                                    
As everyone knows,                                          
Full-flecked with large bits of manure.                     
                                                            
71850 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The makeing of wills also rate,                             
The use of cc'd BOILERPLATE.                                
Just fill in the blanks,                                    
As your kin joins ranks                                     
And on you mortality wait.                                  
                                                            
71851 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When lawyers help you to shed mate,                         
You pay at a huge going rate.                               
Their profits are fine,                                     
Since their legal line                                      
Is largely just old BOILERPLATE.                            
                                                            
71852 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



BOILERPLATE, standard written copy,                         
An aid to those whose thinking's sloppy,                    
Must still be combined                                      
In manners refined,                                         
Or brief becomes long and quite choppy.                     
                                                            
71853 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Fford             



BONIFACE, keeper of inn.                                    
Dispenser of beer and of gin.                               
His mother to blame,                                        
For his misplaced name,                                     
Because he was ugly as sin.                                 
                                                            
71854 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The BOONDOCKS, known as the "boonies",                      
Inhabited often by loonies,                                 
That toilets eschew,                                        
Unlike me and you                                           
Who treasure the plumbing of munis.                         
                                                            
71855 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Come now!  Up here are real boondocks,                      
Filled with little gnats called "white sox".                
Not a baseball team                                         
But a nightmare scheme                                      
That makes hunters look like they've small pox.             
                                                            
71856 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



If you go hunting for moose,                                
And don't apply repellant juice,                            
You will pay the price                                      
And then you'll think twice                                 
Before puting your neck in that noose.                      
                                                            
71857 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



They leave a small bit that will itch                       
Then grow larger each scratch.  (It's a bitch!)             
Mosquitoes don't compare;                                   
They hum; you're aware                                      
And can swat but white sox leave their niche!               
                                                            
71858 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Those boborygmi, oh damn,                                   
Have started since I ate that Spam.                         
The fatty food rush                                         
Will give gut a flush,                                      
And hit like a battering ram.                               
                                                            
71859 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The noisy gut from BORBORYGMI                               
May be frequent in such as a big me.                        
But then I do wonder,                                       
If they, in their plunder,                                  
The gurglings do afflict a pygmy.                           
                                                            
71860 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



BORBORYGMUS comes sooner or later                           
From gas, the GI inflater.  (gastro-intestinal)             
And all of that rumbling                                    
Can be pretty humbling,                                     
Happening in a crowded elevator.                            
                                                            
71861 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Those many who through life have pined                      
For diamonds, we quite often find,                          
Come off somewhat short;                                    
Must settle for BORT,                                       
The grim grit of their daily grind.                         
                                                            
71862 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The diamond bits and fragments called BORT,                 
Appear in jewelry of escort,                                
Where her swing and sway                                    
Catches light with pave',                                   
Along the streets of night time cavort.                     
                                                            
71863 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Diamonds that are known as BORT                             
Are a very inferior sort.                                   
Not really jewels,                                          
They're used for tools                                      
And one large will buy you a quart.                         
                                                            
71864 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A BOSKY section of my local park                            
Served me well for trysts after dark.                       
But the winter made it rough,                               
Snow and ice are to tough                                   
On teens trying for a sylvan lark.                          
                                                            
71865 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



BOSKY places, where I like to frisk,                        
Engage in activities brisk,                                 
And gambol around                                           
The frond that is found                                     
At delta of dear odalisque.                                 
                                                            
71866 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hairy lady demurred 'bout her "whatsky,"                    
Venus delta growing quite BOSKY.                            
"When I peek at that nook,                                  
It does have the look                                       
Of either Rasputin or Trotsky."                             
                                                            
71867 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a BOSKY young Rusky,                         
Whose torso was hairy and husky --                          
He was eager and active                                     
And not unattractive,                                       
Though his B.O. was just a touch musky.                     
                                                            
71868 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



If you heard me speak, then you'd know                      
It isn't the "e"s I drop, though;                           
Boston bo'n and bred,                                       
It's the "r"s instead;                                      
My ca's pa'ked when I'm not on the go.                      
                                                            
71869 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



'Tis duty that complements BOUNDEN,                         
As such it's a phrase that's found in,                      
"Pirates of Penzance",                                      
Where just by some chance,                                  
"SLave of Duty"s hanging round in.                          
                                                            
71870 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Obligatory duty, BOUNDEN,                                   
Is excuse for some to be houndin'                           
All others about                                            
Who little rules flout,                                     
And over the fences are boundin'.                           
                                                            
71871 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To sanitize language, BOWDLERIZE,                           
Censors let nothing evade your eyes;                        
Puritanical                                                 
And tyranical,                                              
Their life-purged books become social lies.                 
                                                            
71872 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The Starr Report lifted disguise,                           
Of Slick Willy's life, no surprise.                         
In future we'll see                                         
This grand legacy,                                          
For children, we must BOWDLERIZE.                           
                                                            
71873 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'd like to retreat to my BOWER,                            
The one with the ivory tower.                               
I'd have you for tea                                        
And then you'd agree,                                       
Friendship and Love give one power.                         
                                                            
71874 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Like cabal, extravagant plot,                               
To join those alike in BOYCOTT,                             
Just as embargo,                                            
Effect may not far go,                                      
Depending on allies you've got.                             
                                                            
71875 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Concerted avoidance, BOYCOTT,                               
May follow demise of Koi brought,                           
From the goldfish ick                                       
Which made them so sick,                                    
Of the fish merchant's boy caught.                          
                                                            
71876 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The soul of wit is brevity;                                 
Each word to be filled with gravity.                        
BRACHYLOGY's core                                           
Is "Less is more,"                                          
Oft at the price of clarity.                                
                                                            
71877 WORDS - DEFINED                Kim                      



A gent who BRACHYLOGY used                                  
In speech, left his listeners confused,                     
With nouns but a fraction                                   
And no verbs for action;                                    
Short sentences seemed very bruised.                        
                                                            
71878 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Estuary water is BRACKISH,                                  
Less salty than ocean, oft blackish                         
With nutrient mud                                           
And twice-daily flood;                                      
For clams and oysters when they're snackish.                
                                                            
71879 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The painting was hung on a BRAD,                            
Which wouldn't hold weight that it had.                     
And so it would smash                                       
In destructive flash,                                       
With the smiling Lisa now sad.                              
                                                            
71880 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The place for beer and food, BRASSERIE,                     
Use glasses from its glassery                               
To serve with gusto                                         
Those drinks robusto,                                       
And don't like glass-mashing crassery.                      
                                                            
71881 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The word BRASSERIE is neat,                                 
For place were you sit down and eat;                        
Although it may sound                                       
As though worn around                                       
To cover a breast and its teat.                             
                                                            
71882 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"Trial By Jury", show about BREACH,                         
Of promise, just hear the bride screech,                    
"I love the dear cad,                                       
But he's just so bad,                                       
You must a cash settlement reach."                          
                                                            
71883 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The gap in the wall is a BREACH,                            
Through which the damned water may leach,                   
At which point no tyke                                      
Can hope to fix dike                                        
With finger or sand from the beach.                         
                                                            
71884 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An overweight fellow might ask it.                          
"Do you think too big's my breadbasket?"                    
If wise, you'll reply                                       
Without being shy,                                          
"Depends just how large is your casket?"                    
                                                            
71885 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



BREADBASKET is bulging, I fear,                             
I'm off of my diet, oh dear!                                
It tasted so good,                                          
I ate more than I should;                                   
From now on I'll be more austere.                           
                                                            
71886 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Well, my BREADBASKET's smack in the middle!                 
Still I feel fit as a fiddle.                               
But alas!  Can't excape!                                    
I know that my shape                                        
Can't compare to young gals...not a little!                 
                                                            
71887 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



For work the summer was bad,                                
But the carpenter last year was glad                        
He helped renovate                                          
Hugh Hefner's estate;                                       
'Twas the BREASTSUMMER he'd ever had.                       
                                                            
71888 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



A buxom young beauty surmised,                              
That kind of uplift that she prized,                        
Required support.                                           
The bra-man she sought                                      
BREASTSUMMER with hammocks advised.                         
                                                            
71889 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It may common logic suspend,                                
Though a BREVET promotion may end                           
Without increased pay,                                      
The G.I. will say,                                          
For a while, it's nice to pretend.                          
                                                            
71890 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My "trial" promotion was all set.                           
Proud of my new job?  You bet!                              
But as weeks went by,                                       
I realized that I                                           
Was the victim of a cynical BREVET.                         
                                                            
71891 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Conglomeration, BRICOLAGE,                                  
Is problem solving by collage;                              
Taking what's at hands                                      
To see if it stands,                                        
Or stays forever in garage.                                 
                                                            
71892 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Leftovers, it must be confessed,                            
Might never be served to a guest,                           
But I might triage                                          
"Un peu BRICOLAGE",                                         
And serve it up as very best.                               
                                                            
71893 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a hermit from Hell,                          
Whose manners were wicked and fell.                         
At a wedding he tried                                       
To goose the young bride,                                   
Which landed him in BRIDEWELL.                              
                                                            
71894 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



The hermit, with manners that fail,                         
Who caused bride to weep and to wail,                       
Was deemed quite atrocial                                   
In all manners social,                                      
And kept all locked up there in goal.                       
                                                            
71895 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In fantasy's fold, BRIGADOON,                               
Where life is all plum, never prune.                        
We succulent stay                                           
Through eternal day,                                        
And pass graveyard with merry tune.                         
                                                            
71896 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



'Tis great to be right there among                          
Fine folks with their rrrolled Scottish tongue;             
Each Brigadoon lass                                         
Is a fine piece of ass,                                     
And all of the lads are well-hung.                          
                                                            
71897 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Brith or BRIS, a religious rite,                            
That brings lowly foreskin to sight,                        
So it can be shorn,                                         
And squalling newborn,                                      
Thus share a semitic delight.                               
                                                            
71898 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A BROGAN is something I'd wear                              
When there's a cool nip in the air.                         
But since I've retired,                                     
My foot wear inspired,                                      
Are sandals, which shout "I don't care!"                    
                                                            
71899 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Down south, no BROGAN, no loafer,                           
Nor shoes worn by a chauffeur.                              
But nice country boots,                                     
And black three piece suits,                                
Is the kind of fashion I go fer!                            
                                                            
71900 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



A heavy work boot is the BROGAN,                            
The subject of many a slogan:                               
Nike's "Just do it!"                                        
Buster Browns rue it,                                       
All the way to a Navaho hogan.                              
                                                            
71901 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Some heavy shoe-wear know as BROGUE,                        
Remain, despite sneakers now vogue;                         
The former are seen,                                        
On consort of the queen,                                    
The latter, on feet of a rogue.                             
                                                            
71902 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mrs. Marcos had so many shoes,                              
Causing grief, when it made the news.                       
Now I am quite sure                                         
The ones with a lure...                                     
Were stylish!  The BROGUE... would amuse.                   
                                                            
71903 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



The raspberry sound of BRONX CHEER                          
Adds great rudeness to a common fleer,                      
With sounds of a fart                                       
As lips flap apart,                                         
Spitting bubbles and meanings quite clear.                  
                                                            
71904 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The sound of the mighty BRONX CHEER,                        
Was made by our baby so dear.                               
We thought that he'd hit                                    
Upon a new trick,                                           
But it turned out to have come from his rear.               
                                                            
71905 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



The Cockneys are cryptic rhymers,                           
Go figure what's said by those Blimers.                     
I'm surprised to hear                                       
That farty BRONX CHEER,                                     
Is tart of raspberry climbers.                              
                                                            
71906 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The origin's lost in the mist;                              
Its meaning we only have gist.                              
From noise that we know,                                    
As a brassy blow,                                           
To someone who'll "never be missed."                        
                                                            
71907 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a man hard of hearing,                       
Through coed dorm window was peering.                       
Thought lass wearing thong                                  
Was singing a song,                                         
But the cop with the cuffs was BRONX CHEERING.              
                                                            
71908 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A fancy four wheeler, a BROUGHAM,                           
In fable by Somerset Maugham,                               
Which had open top,                                         
With rain you might sop,                                    
And winter could barely keep warm.                          
                                                            
71909 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The BROUHAHA's part of the game.                            
Of those "15 seconds of fame",                              
Outrageous event,                                           
Quite evansescent,                                          
Like poor moths' short life in the flame.                   
                                                            
71910 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When offered a Brussels sprout,                             
Frogs respond with a gleeful shout.                         
They love petits choux,                                     
The same way that you                                       
Would go for a bass or a trout.                             
                                                            
71911 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



If harsh words bring marital bashing,                       
Though you survive the verbal thrashing,                    
Bad BRUXISM comes                                           
As anger benumbs,                                           
And wears the poor teeth with such gnashing.                
                                                            
71912 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Nocturnal tooth grinding, BRUXISM,                          
May be cause of married schism,                             
But to tell the truth,                                      
It's better than crwth  (ancient Celtic lyre)               
Sounds of apneic masochism.                                 
                                                            
71913 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There are fewer wagons today,                               
Where folks roll in bundles of hay                          
Or otherwise frolic                                         
In manner BUCOLIC;                                          
Still back seats of Fords are in play.                      
                                                            
71914 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I see threatening clouds drawing near;                      
With BUMBERSHOOT at home, I fear                            
The deluge will find                                        
Some ways most unkind,                                      
To soak me both front and in rear.                          
                                                            
71915 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Color matters not for BUMBERSHOOT.                          
If it rain protects, be umber chute,                        
For in that case                                            
We all will race                                            
To its spreading arms and under scoot.                      
                                                            
71916 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



About rain I don't give a hoot,                             
Protected by my BUMBERSHOOT,                                
But if I get damp,                                          
I'll switch to a Gamp;                                      
Like Paddington, I'll look real cute.                       
                                                            
71917 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Umbrella is a BUMBERSHOOT?                                  
A wacky word!  Now that's a hoot.                           
Guess that explains                                         
Why, when it rains,                                         
A smile is such good substitute.                            
                                                            
71918 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Junk mail and spam that arrive as BUMF,                     
Cause many an old man to harrumph.                          
To careen and dodder                                        
On way to bum fodder.                                       
And on throne to deliver with oomph.                        
                                                            
71919 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To flourish and bloom is to BURGEON,                        
Which lim writers do with no urgin'.                        
But limerick lame                                           
(Notorious flame)                                           
Bring threats of soon sleeping with sturgeon.               
                                                            
71920 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Quietly bypassing is BURKE;                                 
Such a muaneuver drives me berserk.                         
If I should catch 'em,                                      
Quickly dispatch 'em;                                       
There'll be no more behind-the-back smirk.                  
                                                            
71921 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Real dangers in Justice do lurk,                            
Whilst Reno is there to do work,                            
"Bill Gates I'll destroy,                                   
But for Billy Boy,                                          
I'll put on my blinders and BURKE."                         
                                                            
71922 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Now what's a poor fellow to do                              
When BUSKIN is a heavy shoe,                                
Or a tragic play,                                           
Although I might say                                        
I've seen shows where either might do.                      
                                                            
71923 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To stand up to gravity's force,                             
A BUTTRESS is fine, but of course                           
If you build your wall                                      
Too tall, it will fall,                                     
When you, rules of Physics, ignores.                        
                                                            
71924 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Boy friend was a full fanny nut.                            
And she didn't quite make the cut.                          
So with pads, a few,                                        
To enhance the view,                                        
She'd BUTTRESS her belittled butt.                          
                                                            
71925 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My Mom was obsessed with my rear.                           
"Too big.  Men won't want you, my Dear."                    
But one I did find                                          
Who liked my behind,                                        
And BUTTRESSED my ego, it's clear.                          
                                                            
71926 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Controlling intriguers, CABAL,                              
Must remain secret, or a pall                               
Will fall on the group.                                     
They'll be in the soup,                                     
And their schemes become a pratfall.                        
                                                            
71927 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CABAL is a group that will plot,                            
To obtain a something they've not.                          
In secret they meet                                         
To hatch a plan neat,                                       
That never quite gets off the spot.                         
                                                            
71928 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The rich and powerful gain CACHET                           
From wealth, status, and fragrant sachet,                   
But it all can be gone,                                     
Like the day of the fawn,                                   
When death sends a truck in mid-sashay.                     
(something giving status or prestige)                       
71929 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When husband told funny tale, great,                        
And spouse began to CACHINNATE,                             
She clucked like hen proud,                                 
In decibels loud,                                           
And collapsed in convulsive state                           
                                                            
71930 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With long life this pairing was blessed,                    
Which would this stark moral suggest,                       
"That if you'd stay wed,                                    
The connubial bed                                           
Needs laughter as a constant guest!"                        
                                                            
71931 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Trouble with CACOETHES concealed                            
Is that they are never revealed                             
Until momentum                                              
Deigns to present 'em,                                      
But by then, the maid's fate is sealed.                     
                                                            
71932 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Explaining the Birds And The Bees                           
To daughters, one tell them to please                       
Beware, as young maids,                                     
Of pregnancy, AIDS,                                         
And men with concealed CACOETHES.                           
                                                            
71933 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



It sometimes is hard on gal's knees,                        
When exec has odd CACOETHES.                                
For oral sex stars,                                         
And unlit cigars,                                           
In places that don't smoke, "Pull-eese!"                    
                                                            
71934 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I think that we all know a few                              
Folks, who when spelling is due,                            
Are very remiss                                             
In CACOGRAPHY bliss,                                        
There coining some usages new.                              
                                                            
71935 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Ever listen to words of rap?                                
Me thinks it denotes a trap                                 
For catching the kinds                                      
Of unthinking minds                                         
By repetitious CACOPHONIC crap.                             
                                                            
71936 WORDS - DEFINED                Luana Nemaste            



Most times when young kids are at play,                     
Determined to get their own way,                            
The din that they make                                      
Can cause an earthquake.                                    
Pure CACOPHONY rules the day.                               
                                                            
71937 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The CACOPHONY of children's cheers                          
Is sometimes music to parent's ears,                        
But oft it unnerves                                         
And causes car swerves                                      
And the need for some tippling of beers.                    
                                                            
71938 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For the sin of reaching too high,                           
Babel's builders under the sky                              
Brought to the world                                        
With tongues unfurled,                                      
CACOPHONY and confusion's cry.                              
                                                            
71939 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



In my town, we've had an influx                             
Of schnorrers, and that really sucks.                       
One woman named Madge                                       
Taught her dog how to CADGE,                                
And that mongrel came home with ten bucks.                  
                                                            
71940 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



Self-decimating wins, CADMEAN,                              
May bring nobles to ways plebian.                           
As meat-grinding nymph                                      
Causes great loss of lymph,                                 
To suitor with lance Priapean.                              
                                                            
71941 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A CADMEAN victory, I fear,                                  
Which to Pyrrhic one is so near,                            
Both close to ones lost,                                    
Because final cost                                          
Is prohibitively quite dear.                                
                                                            
71942 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CADUCEUS, staff of Greek God;                               
Mercury, applied to man's bod,                              
An ointment to treat                                        
Disease caught "In heat";                                   
Placed unctuous salve on wicked rod.                        
(mercury was old treatment for syphilis)                    
71943 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of corporate CAMORRAS, the worst,                           
Whose crooked seams finally burst,                          
Enron's tops the list;                                      
Their shred records missed,                                 
Done by slick accountants accursed.                         
                                                            
71944 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As a word, I am very compact,                               
Just three little letters intact!                           
I'm a homonym, yes!                                         
Now CAN you guess?                                          
Thrice a verb, once a noun, that's a fact.                  
                                                            
71945 WORDS - DEFINED                Tutta Gioia              



I find it remarkably hard                                   
To believe your insulting Canard,                           
"You cannot get preggers                                    
If we consume keggers."                                     
Of truth, there is barely a shard.                          
                                                            
71946 WORDS - DEFINED                Antigone                 



All candidates should be barred                             
From playing the "ad hominem" card.                         
I think it's critical                                       
To keep it political                                        
And avoid the personal CANARD.                              
                                                            
71947 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The misleading hoax is a CANARD,                            
Oft perpetuated without regard                              
For the damage done,                                        
To the suckered one,                                        
Or the breach in society's guard.                           
                                                            
71948 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The CANARD is a small forward wing;                         
By God, it's a wierd looking thing.                         
They said it won't fly,                                     
But it does, my oh my!                                      
And does with panache and great zing!                       
                                                            
71949 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric S                   



When a Bantam cock serviced a duck,                         
The latter, feeling hit by a truck,                         
Said "Sir, I'm a drake;                                     
There's been a mistake!                                     
Would you kindly stop running amok!"                        
                                                            
71950 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I'd call it a canard, unduly,                               
To equate a CANARY with stoolie;                            
The former sings sweet,                                     
The latter bird's feat                                      
Betrays former fellow quite cruelly.                        
                                                            
71951 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hermit Dave, from love in a ditch,                          
Awoke with a terrible itch,                                 
And groin all a-scratch,                                    
With life in his thatch,                                    
Transmitted by a CANCRINE witch.                            
                                                            
71952 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



That Cambridge prof CANTABRIGIAN,                           
Studied artifacts called Phrygian,                          
But soon lost his nerve,                                    
Undone by the curve                                         
Referred to as callipygian.                                 
                                                            
71953 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The sight of such beauteous bum                             
Raised issues which he would escape from,                   
But such action                                             
Countered attraction,                                       
So that he could neither go nor come.                       
                                                            
71954 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For ladies, old hermit was hankerous,                       
But being a wee bit CANTANKEROUS,                           
Stayed 'way from the tub,                                   
And never would scrub,                                      
So now he is lonely and rankerous.                          
                                                            
71955 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Many a CANTANKEROUS guy                                     
Walks away from his mate asking "WHY"                       
Her shoulder is cold,                                       
When he's feeling quite bold!                               
With his ego as big as the sky.                             
                                                            
71956 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Most women want gentle and kind;                            
Respect for their body and mind.                            
Someone who will know                                       
That to make love grow,                                     
It takes two, to keep up the grind!                         
                                                            
71957 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



A limerick writer should be                                 
Very thick skinned CAP-A-PIE,                               
Because comic arts                                          
Beget 'tomic darts,                                         
Rough ripostes for all world to see.                        
                                                            
71958 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though head-to-toe is CAP-A-PIE,                            
As in a jumpsuit happily,                                   
The street urchin thief                                     
Hope for a quick brief                                      
When lawyers try to cop a plea.                             
                                                            
71959 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In winter's cold, I'd rather be                             
Covered and snug, CAP-A-PIE,                                
Or fireplace-ified,                                         
In the warm inside,                                         
Cuddling with my sweet Honey.                               
                                                            
71960 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



No CAPARISON for me,                                        
No hat on my head there to see.                             
No sporty montage,                                          
To cover pelage,                                            
Just left to the wind, blowing free.                        
                                                            
71961 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some, feminine reasoning equate                             
With all heart but no logic great.                          
Men should just see the light                               
And forget the fight,                                       
And willingly CAPITULATE.                                   
                                                            
71962 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If two defenders tackle you, CAPITULATE.                    
Don't let the coach you flagellate.                         
Just hang on to the ball                                    
And hope for a call                                         
Of fifteen yards 'cause one hit you late.                   
                                                            
71963 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Now we've had some good days, a few,                        
But what's a poor husband to do,                            
When pretty wife rapturous,                                 
Grows tongue that's CAPTIOUS,                               
And shrivels his staff, as a shrew.                         
                                                            
71964 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In living life's allotted span,                             
The troubles that accrue to Man,                            
And wipe away smile,                                        
Don't come single file,                                     
But arrive in a long CARAVAN.                               
                                                            
71965 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The tower bells of the CARILLON                             
At Notre Dame some find peril on;                           
In black and white grainy,                                  
Th visage of Chaney                                         
Left hunchback silence in care o'Lon.                       
                                                            
71966 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CARNIVORES all like to eat,                                 
Fowl, fish and animal meat,                                 
Raw, broiled or braised,                                    
Its virtues are praised,                                    
As part of a diet complete.                                 
                                                            
71967 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Flesh-eating bears CARNIVOROUS,                             
Not often thought herbivorous,                              
In berries delight,                                         
But I find their sight                                      
Leaves me shuddering, shiverous.                            
                                                            
71968 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



He bought her a bottle of beer,                             
And thought that CARTE BLANCHE was quite near.              
But he got stiff arm                                        
And threat of gendarme,                                     
When he tried for a pat on her rear.                        
                                                            
71969 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He thought with a smile on his face,                        
Admiring each caryatid's grace,                             
That he had some hope;                                      
If live, he might grope                                     
Each, as each was fixed to her place.                       
                                                            
71970 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The curves of columns CARYATID                              
Were seductie, so Pyggy patted.                             
And as to swelling,                                         
He now tries selling                                        
"The bulge is just a cyst hydatid."                         
                                                            
71971 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Most men seem to fall to their knees                        
When confronted with CARYATIDES.                            
Hours they'll stay,                                         
All night and all day,                                      
In hopes of a drape-lifting breeze.                         
                                                            
71972 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



You've added a new word today,                              
The CARYATIDS, in their own way,                            
Held roofs on their heads,                                  
Like in buildings Feds,                                     
They're shapely stone columns, I'd say.                     
                                                            
71973 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though I'm not sure that Monica was paid,                   
('Cause Bill reckoned she hadn't been laid)                 
She's selling books now.                                    
Seems that this CASH COW                                    
At the White House, much more than milkmaid.                
                                                            
71974 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



A CASH COW is what we all need,                             
To milk of her profit with greed.                           
We all like cheese and butters                              
Paid for by some udders,                                    
But careful, don't start a stampede.                        
                                                            
71975 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Bill Gates has figured out how                              
To increase his fortune, and how.                           
We buy and endure                                           
That programmed manure,                                     
That plops from his famous CASH COW.                        
                                                            
71976 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



CATACHRESIS, one plainly can see,                           
Might be the occasion for glee,                             
Though in its broad use                                     
As language abuse,                                          
It never arises from me.                                    
                                                            
71977 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Word use in error, CATACHRESIS,                             
Will not do much to help your thesis.                       
Choosing the right words,                                   
Splitting whey from curds,                                  
Makes you a big cheese, rich as Croesus.                    
                                                            
71978 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A CATACOMB sounds like a site                               
For grooming a pussy each night.                            
It clears tangles all                                       
Or chance of fur ball,                                      
Gets purrs, sign of feline delight.                         
                                                            
71979 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Necropolis maze is a CATACOMB,                              
Often beneath a cathedral home,                             
Where lies the cardinal                                     
With sins unpardonable,                                     
Guarded by some necrophilic gnome.                          
                                                            
71980 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Cougar-hunting friends in Montana,                          
Such buddies thay shared a banana,                          
Killed mountain lion                                        
That kept sheep dyin',                                      
Causing very sweaty bandannas.                              
                                                            
71981 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The buddies thought it would be fair                        
Taxi-derm stuffed cougar to share;                          
Turns soon derided,                                         
Cougar divided,                                             
But which end of trophy to bear?                            
                                                            
71982 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A coin flip by dear friend Sophie                           
Gave Bill the tail of cat trophy.                           
Thought Bill of his fate,                                   
"Though shooting was great,                                 
Souvenir is catastrophe!"                                   
                                                            
71983 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Catch 22 really shares                                      
And fatal frustration full bares.                           
Like caught in a vice                                       
That's not very nice,                                       
Thought that one is "caught by the short hairs."            
                                                            
71984 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A Fed SS number you need                                    
In searching for job, to succeed;                           
The CATCH 22                                                
That will beset you:                                        
No Job?  Can't get number.  You're freed.                   
                                                            
71985 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



When your in the butt end of a screw                        
And you find there is naught you can do                     
To get free from the chase                                  
Between "rock and hard place",                              
That's when you're in CATCH 22.                             
                                                            
71986 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Like Sartre, I'm damned if I do!                            
And damned if I don't?  Yes that too.                       
For if I refuse                                             
The option to chose,                                        
I've chosen: it's CATCH 22!                                 
                                                            
71987 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



They met in a pub nearby Crewe,                             
But his prurient plans she soon blew.                       
"I think all men dubs                                       
Who hang out in pubs."                                      
He had found a new CATCH-22.                                
                                                            
71988 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



CATECHUMEN, the child of few years,                         
Attentive to life is "all ears."                            
Though silent about it,                                     
Will soon, never doubt it,                                  
Unexpectedly spill what he hears.                           
                                                            
71989 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Absolutely, CATEGORICAL,                                    
And of classes allegorical,                                 
The Partner's verses                                       o
Sometimes bring curses,                                     
Due to humor sophomorical.                                  
                                                            
71990 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CATTY-CORNER it is for me,                                  
Obscure origin, hard to see.                                
Diagonal, dice,                                             
Does not figure nice,                                       
It's your roll, obviously.                                  
                                                            
71991 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Just CATERCORNER are three;                                 
And old man, his dog, and a flea.                           
They seem somewhat stupid;                                  
Still I, hoping Cupid                                       
Makes room in that menage for me.                           
                                                            
71992 WORDS - DEFINED                Joanne Gonzalez          



Obtuse is this CATERCORNER,                                 
Pronounced as though by some foreigner.                     
Alien caterwaul,                                            
In folk etymol,                                             
Is across box, kittycorner.                                 
                                                            
71993 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Of course I thought I had it made                           
When I spied the word CAVALCADE!                            
But rhymes piled higher                                     
Like horse manure mire;                                     
And through it all I had to wade.                           
                                                            
71994 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



This is result, more's the pity.                            
Nothing much very witty!                                    
But I thought up a lot                                      
Though not very hot,                                        
Dreamed of grandeur, just like Walter Mitty.                
                                                            
71995 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



If sanity you'd keep as possession,                         
Unless you're in legal profession,                          
Better not travel                                           
Down road to CAVIL,                                         
Lest nit-picking is your obsession.                         
                                                            
71996 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CELADON, of old Latin's scene,                              
Translates, color that sounds serene;                       
Immortalized name,                                          
I'd like some of the same,                                  
With envy, see, I'm very green.                             
                                                            
71997 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Quickly to action, CELERITY,                                
May bring you to great prosperity.                          
Though caution required,                                    
Idea inspired,                                              
Overcome with great temerity.                               
                                                            
71998 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The CELLARER conveys the victuals                           
And must look after wine transmittals                       
For hard working monks,                                     
And even the punks                                          
Who come with them for beer and skittles.                   
                                                            
71999 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Let's hope that the monk that they choose,                  
The CELLARER, who goes for the booze,                       
Is chaste and steady                                        
And not so ready                                            
His august monk's role to abuse.                            
                                                            
72000 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For sharing memorial places,                                
The CENOTAPH easy replaces                                  
The burial site                                             
With monument might                                         
Or horses, broad swords, and fine laces.                    
                                                            
72001 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When you want to compose a rhyme fine,                      
If a CENTO whose words do not shine,                        
In writing give pause,                                      
Think copyright laws.                                       
You'll be sued once for each purloined line.                
                                                            
72002 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The CENTO, poetic form prized?                              
Quite silly, as I've realized.                              
Bringing lines we've heard,                                 
In manner absurd,                                           
Unflatteringly plagiarized.                                 
                                                            
72003 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CEREBRAL lass, a sex resister,                              
Who passed over men for a "sister",                         
Flat chested as well,                                       
And ugly as hell,                                           
Had never a lad who had missed her.                         
                                                            
72004 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Confetti that's made from the CHAD                          
Of paper punched out 'til it's had                          
Three little holes neat,                                    
Falls soft on the street,                                   
Countering the ticker tape fad.                             
                                                            
72005 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel                   



Beware of confetti-like CHAD --                             
Its corners are pointed and bad!                            
A card reader/punch                                         
Spews out a whole bunch --                                  
Its coners as sharp as a brad.                              
                                                            
72006 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Separating the CHAD from the sheet                          
Is like gleaning chaff from the wheat,                      
Though in this case                                         
Winning the race                                            
Goes to one with sheet-keeping feat.                        
                                                            
72007 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Braided or twisted before baking,                           
Like family reunion ice-breaking,                           
Though you love them all,                                   
You'd much rather call,                                     
Unlike CHALLAH, your best is leave-taking.                  
                                                            
72008 WORDS - DEFINED                Karen                    



The twisted sweet bread known as CHALLAH                    
Does honor the many-named Allah,                            
Though some think it odd                                    
That wordship of God                                        
Accompanies Chicken Marsala.                                
                                                            
72009 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CHALLAH's a special egg bread,                              
Dissected with ancient prayer said,                         
An honored tradition,                                       
Fulfilling a mission,                                       
Not merely a belly, instead.                                
                                                            
72010 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A hypochondriacal man                                       
Consulted an old CHARLATAN,                                 
Who took fortune small                                      
For nothing at all                                          
And worse health than when he began.                        
                                                            
72011 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The work that is done in CHARRETTE                          
Is frantic as frantic can get.                              
Till a goal you are,                                        
Then off to the bar                                         
For something refreshing and wet.                           
                                                            
72012 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He had eyes on a nice filly fine;                           
To ride her was his grand design.                           
His friend to abet,                                         
Said "Dan, lets CHARRETTE!"                                 
"No way," said Chris, "This project's all mine!"            
                                                            
72013 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



I like the color CHARTREUSE                                 
'Cause it helps me to shed the blues.                       
I like it on ties                                           
Where it dazzles the eyes,                                  
But I don't think it works well on shoes.                   
                                                            
72014 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Poor blind folks who dress without clues,                   
May bring with the clothes that they choose,                
Darks, somber and quiet                                     
Or rainbows of riot,                                        
Neon pinks with a splash of CHARTREUSE.                     
                                                            
72015 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



On the other hand I have to tell                            
I see sighted folk there, as well,                          
Whose matches oft seem                                      
Like a colorblind scheme,                                   
Picked by a seeing-eye dog from Hell.                       
                                                            
72016 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Discreetly cautious, we are CHARY                           
Of commenting on someone hairy.                             
Is that a toupee?                                           
We cannot just say,                                         
For the reaction could be scary.                            
                                                            
72017 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In U.S. 'twould be extraordinary                            
For people to chortle at CHARY.                             
I think we would find                                       
That what comes to mind                                     
Is the wholly acceptable "wary."                            
                                                            
72018 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of charity, sir, I'd be CHARY,                              
As of warranties one should be wary.                        
Each one has a motive                                       
That's not always votive --                                 
And nowhere is there a good fairy.                          
                                                            
72019 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



When the Good Lord hastens to CHASTEN,                      
One wonders just how much His grace and                     
Compassion allow                                            
Any sinners now                                             
To find their own way in world racin'.                      
                                                            
72020 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As the bricklayer worked on the wall,                       
He allow a huge brick to fall.                              
Before we CHASTEN                                           
This erring mason,                                          
We must pay the shop steward a call.                        
                                                            
72021 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Imelda thought CHAUSSURE...great word.                      
Her closet, they say was absurd!                            
With thousands of pair,                                     
Feet never went bare!                                       
But maybe it's lies that we heard!                          
                                                            
72022 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Observe "ma CHAUSSURE", shining bright,                     
Bought at Thom McCan for price right.                       
Although you can tell                                       
From that funny smell,                                      
They trampled through dog-poop last night.                  
                                                            
72023 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a man whose CHAUSSURE                        
Was so smart you just knew he was poor --                   
For the rich don't require                                  
The trappings of 'squire';                                  
They have 'it' already, monsieur.                           
                                                            
72024 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



The footgear I prefer as CHAUSSURE                          
Are great clodhoppers, you can be sure.                     
Those wrap-around boots                                     
Take care of my roots,                                      
So I quickly wash off all manure.                           
                                                            
72025 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CHAUVINISM, scoundrel's haven,                              
Attracts both bold and the craven,                          
To blindly defend,                                          
To the bitter end,                                          
As biased, know-it-all maven.                               
                                                            
72026 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



This Chauvin sounds not so much fun,                        
Napoleonist amok run,                                       
Though perhaps not as grim,                                 
As his latter-day kin,                                      
A CHAUVINIST telling blonde pun.                            
                                                            
72027 WORDS - DEFINED                Karen                    



There was a sweet girl they named Kate,                     
Who found out she was very late.                            
When she called her Max,                                    
And gave him the facts,                                     
He swiftly left, saying, "checkmate!"                       
                                                            
72028 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



When sailors are too long at sea,                           
Ship's captain try quite properly                           
To overyfly CHECKMATE                                       
Sex with a deck mate;                                       
In foc'sle will be what will be.                            
                                                            
72029 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The neocons have set a trend                                
Towards which centrists are trying to bend.                 
But like Mom and apple pie,                                 
The CHEVAL DE BATAILLE                                      
Of liberals is still tax and spend.                         
                                                            
72030 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Though hobbyhorse, CHEVAL de BATAILLE,                      
Is also the favorite thereby.                               
Most often, of course,                                      
Its beaten dead horse,                                      
Which politicos ride throught the sky.                      
                                                            
72031 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A full head of hair, CHEVELURE,                             
Loosely rolled like La Pompadour,                           
Is now mostly seen                                          
On femmes multi-teen                                        
And often seems tinted bluer.                               
                                                            
72032 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Although it's a quality poor,                               
Each chevalier feels that his lure                          
To the female sex,                                          
And on "hunk" index,                                        
Requires a grand CHEVELURE.                                 
                                                            
72033 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CHIMERA cobbled from many parts,                            
With biological fits and starts,                            
In Frankenstein way,                                        
The Shelley mainstay,                                       
Or human genes with E. Coli hearts.                         
                                                            
72034 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CHIMERA a mixture that's odd,                               
Assortment so very rough-shod,                              
It joins parts quite weird,                                 
Makes mixture that's feared,                                
Not likely to be act of God.                                
                                                            
72035 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"So, you want to sell the old nag,"                         
Said the horse-buyer, "What's the price tag?"               
Said the old farmer,                                        
Himself, a charmer,                                         
"Did you come to buy or CHIN-WAG?"                          
                                                            
72036 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



If I ken the meaning of CHOUSE,                             
Eschew it when it comes to spouse,                          
Or without delay,                                           
There'll be hell to pay,                                    
With you, perhaps, out of the house!                        
                                                            
72037 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In cheating and trickery you CHOUSE,                        
The behaavior of only a louse,                              
So please mend your ways;                                   
That crime never pays                                       
And pack rat may be kleptocrat mouse.                       
                                                            
72038 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Before in real war you'd engage,                            
Read "Best of French Battles," new rage.                    
CHRESTOMATHY neat,                                          
It manages feat                                             
With volume that is single page.                            
                                                            
72039 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Men emerge from CHRYSALIDES                                 
Uttering songs and balladies,                               
Not from hearts in throats                                  
But much bran and oats:                                     
Flatus and borborygmides.                                   
                                                            
72040 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A bachelor's a mere CHRYSALIS,                              
Matured when he seeks wedded bliss.                         
But if the pair won't gel,                                  
Cocoon looks real swell.                                    
That's marrieage game, just hit or miss.                    
                                                            
72041 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An evil of maltreatment chronic,                            
Invention of dweller CHTHONIC,                              
Gift of old Satan,                                          
All folks a-hatin',                                         
Is known today as "high colonic."                           
                                                            
72042 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



What a shame it is and ironic,                              
That lads so sweet and Byronic                              
Will bring roses of red                                     
'Til they get you in bed,                                   
Then crawl back to their rock most CHTHONIC.                
                                                            
72043 WORDS - DEFINED                Kim                      



Infernal underworld CHTHONIC                                
Is filled with great riches sonic.                          
Screams of rappers noise,                                   
Inane Backstreet Boys,                                      
And more caca cacophonic.                                   
                                                            
72044 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Thinking of things CHTHONIC,                                
And actions defined as demonic:                             
There's Monica's chthong                                    
And Willie's dong,                                          
And prevarication that's chronic.                           
                                                            
72045 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



But the epitome of this fine trait                          
Is the man whom we love to hate;                            
Who bumps off his father                                    
Then goes on to blather                                     
For help: I'm an orphan!  What a fate!                      
                                                            
72046 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther Hecht             



Such baggage of hubris one hauls,                           
CHUTZPAH, in old Yiddish recalls                            
The trait of the few                                        
Who win what they do                                        
By having a big set of balls.                               
                                                            
72047 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If big balls were all that it took                          
To have CHUTZPAH, just take a look                          
At women with verve,                                        
And much brazen nerve,                                      
Who've got it, and whom no one can brook.                   
                                                            
72048 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther Hecht             



A young film-going CINEAST                                  
Who prefers a young, nubile cast,                           
Was told he was shallow                                     
And also quite callow."                                     
"Is that really a sin?" he then asked.                      
                                                            
72049 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



At one time the poor CINEAST                                
Would go to dark movies for blast.                          
With Cable TV                                               
We're likely to see                                         
Couch potato, fat and silly-assed.                          
                                                            
72050 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CINEASTE'S life seems so stark;                             
They daily their derrieres park                             
And stare at silver screen.                                 
Seek what films may mean,                                   
Remaining always in the dark.                               
                                                            
72051 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If like me, you're shaped like a wheel barrow,              
Movie seats tend to be far too narrow.                      
The happiest CINEASTE                                       
Is the one whos is skinny-assed,                            
And tend to eat like a sparrow.                             
                                                            
72052 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A CINGULAR garment, the corset;                             
I could not more highly endorse it.                         
It pushes your fat                                          
From where it is at,                                        
To where is should be, when you force it.                   
                                                            
72053 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Sexy Sue was glad, if you will,                             
That she took CIRCADIAN pill.                               
Ever ready for Max                                          
And frontal attacks,                                        
Which day and night, his role to fill.                      
                                                            
72054 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a temptress named CIRCE                      
Who'd turn men to pigs when they'd her see.                 
But most women say                                          
We're pigs anyway,                                          
So this isn't much of a curse, see?                         
                                                            
72055 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Now CIRCE, with beauty and wiles,                           
Had all the right stuff that beguiles                       
The lust of strong men,                                     
And so even when                                            
As male pigs, they sported large...smiles.                  
                                                            
72056 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CIRCULAR paths to a man's lady fair,                        
With weird ways of wooing quite rare,                       
May delay the entry                                         
Of some anxious gentry,                                     
Who manage, in end, to get there.                           
                                                            
72057 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our President's CIRCUMLOCUTION,                             
Evaded impeachment solution.                                
Conduct out-of-bounds,                                      
Produced real great mounds,                                 
Of B.S. that called elocution.                              
                                                            
72058 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris                    



In "bodice ripper" of yore,                                 
Filled with hot lust and great gore,                        
The heroes CLAMBER                                          
Over Lady Amber                                             
Who always was ready for more.                              
                                                            
72059 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Applause from friends and the CLAQUE                        
Cannot be construed as feedback,                            
Since they're very much                                     
Arrangements or such                                        
Attempts by an egomaniac.                                   
                                                            
72060 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A CLAQUE is a clique that'll clap,                          
Shriek anad whistle for any old crap.                       
They'll flatter and fawn                                    
When you hold a salon,                                      
For a quick cash incentive, old chap.                       
                                                            
72061 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



A new talk-show host and sidekick                           
Lost their TV show double quick.                            
Their ratings were bad,                                     
Producers got mad                                           
When their hired CLAQUE didn't click.                       
                                                            
72062 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



CLEMENT, the name of a child,                               
Who tended to be rather wild,                               
With evil so sotted,                                        
His kitty garrotted,                                        
In CLEMENT a status reviled.                                
                                                            
72063 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The CLERIHEW form I have tried.                             
I'm sure it won't serve as a guide,                         
But it's very short;                                        
A rhyme of the sort                                         
That sends a terse message that's snide.                    
                                                            
72064 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The guy said our meter was wrong.                           
The lines were too short or too long.                       
So overwrought, he'd                                        
Swear never to read;                                        
Dismissed us in terms very strong.                          
                                                            
72065 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He dreamt that he dwelt in COCKAIGNE,                       
A cottage in a shady lane,                                  
With days full of ease                                      
And such food to please,                                    
All washed with great gulps of champagne.                   
                                                            
72066 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If your filled with much COCKALORUM,                        
Your friends you'll abuse and you'll bore 'em.              
For people who brag                                         
Are such a big drag,                                        
It's easier just to ignore 'em.                             
                                                            
72067 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The loud-mouthed jock, COCKALORUM,                          
Will boast to any small quorum,                             
'Bout feats of his brawn,                                   
And of need to spawn,                                       
Devoid of good taste or decorum.                            
                                                            
72068 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Crowing little COCKALORUM                                   
Thinks himself soli cantorum;                               
Nothing excuses                                             
Just how he uses                                            
Braggadocio to bore 'em.                                    
                                                            
72069 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Now, what's a poor fellow to do,                            
When caught, red-handed, in stew,                           
Except try and get by                                       
And tell, by and by,                                        
COCKAMAMIE tales, one or two.                               
                                                            
72070 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



COCOONING at home in our lair,                              
A pleasure which we really share;                           
It brings warmth and smiles,                                
Not many air miles,                                         
And saves us a good deal of fare.                           
                                                            
72071 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The myriad joys of COCOONING;                               
Not least among them is spooning,                           
Demands that the lair                                       
Has space for a pair;                                       
A solo cocoon leads to mooning.                             
                                                            
72072 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Some terms need a little fine tuning,                       
Such as: what is done while COCOONING.                      
Beneath that red blanket,                                   
If she starts to yank it,                                   
They're forking now, no longer spooning.                    
                                                            
72073 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The news from the Mid-Eastern press,                        
Which will their dumb reader impress,                       
And blind them with hate,                                   
At bottom I'd rate;                                         
CODSWALLOP, it is, more or less.                            
                                                            
72074 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A good limerick should never be grim                        
Or be solemn just like a nice hymn.                         
Served up with a dollop                                     
Of silly CODSWALLOP,                                        
With lightness and fun, it should brim.                     
                                                            
72075 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm brust               



CODSWALLOP will never define                                
All of our limericks divine!                                
While limited verse                                         
And somewhat terse,                                         
When done well, it feels sublime.                           
                                                            
72076 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



When in comes to new fact retrieval,                        
With dinosaurs I feel COEVAL;                               
My memory fails                                             
And as for details,                                         
They're lost in the ages primeval.                          
                                                            
72077 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



COGNOSCENTE, a know-it-all,                                 
Though often you can't read their scrawl.                   
A terrible sight,                                           
So they never write,                                        
But instead you get a collect call.                         
                                                            
72078 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



College bound are COGNOSCENTI,                              
Knowing not they're innocenti,                              
An illusion maintained                                      
By the fuculty pained,                                      
Who served in locum parenti.                                
                                                            
72079 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Bravi! for the smart COGNOSCENTI,                           
The people who know facts a-plenty,                         
On all sorts of things,                                     
As my applause rings,                                       
For plurals, like ten or twenty,                            
                                                            
72080 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The COLOCYNTH will give you gripes;                         
I think you will need many wipes,                           
In making your way                                          
Through fecal souffle,                                      
And Toto's poor coat, I'd say, "Yipes!"                     
                                                            
72081 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



COLONEL BLIMP is to most Anglophiles,                       
An object of pity and smiles.                               
But poor Tony Blair                                         
With his youthful flair,                                    
Has more abuse coming in piles.                             
                                                            
72082 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The image of COLONEL BLIMP'll                               
Cause your cheek to show its dimple.                        
But today's right-winger                                    
Needs a sharper zinger;                                     
The issues are not quite as simple.                         
                                                            
72083 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Alas, COLONEL BLIMPS still abound!                          
All kinds of politics give them ground.                     
Some writers are worse,                                     
But of those who write verse,                               
Hope some humor and worth will be found.                    
                                                            
72084 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The COLUBRINE organ of men                                  
Is meant to be used now and then                            
In voiding their waste,                                     
Or in times unchaste,                                       
When playing the rooster to hen.                            
                                                            
72085 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Brussels sprouts is a dish I can pass;                      
It tastes bad and generates gas.                            
A Belgian COMESTIBLE                                        
I find indigestible,                                        
Which should be banned from cooking class.                  
                                                            
72086 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Christmas edibles, COMESTIBLE,                              
Are not always so digestible.                               
The heavy fruitcake,                                        
If many bites take,                                         
Makes for gut feelings detestable.                          
                                                            
72087 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



What's edible is COMESTIBLE.                                
Though what's above does seem detestable,                   
So in the debate,                                           
We must hereby state                                        
That good taste is quite contestable.                       
                                                            
72088 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Dumb dogs swallow all that's ingestable,                    
Some of it not quite COMESTIBLE.                            
When pantyhose goes                                         
From hips to the toes,                                      
Comes out whole, indigestable.                              
                                                            
72089 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Brussels sprouts, highly prized COMESTIBLE,                 
Have a following that is inestimable.                       
Though some guests, when you                                
Put sprouts on the menu,                                    
Never get past the vestibule.                               
                                                            
72090 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



COMESTIBLES, vital each day,                                
Nutrition ingested this way                                 
Is needed by all                                            
In Nature's call,                                           
To provide for our DNA.                                     
                                                            
72091 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Congress folks fight, fume, and fuss,                       
Instead of just working for us.                             
They promise COMITY,                                        
But leave us vomity,                                        
Wanting to kick them and cuss.                              
                                                            
72092 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



COMMODE is an interesting word,                             
Chest of drawers, or a pot for a turd,                      
Or urine to save,                                           
A place where you lave,                                     
Or contemplate life that's absurd.                          
                                                            
72093 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



COMMODIOUS may seem to say                                  
More than it does...come what may!                          
A very roomy space?                                         
There is no disgrace!                                       
So I'll have to learn how to play!                          
                                                            
72094 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Life in the most humble abode,                              
Is COMMODIOUS, when there's a load,                         
Of room, for the folks,                                     
But not for slow-pokes,                                     
Dawdle too long in commode.                                 
                                                            
72095 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Spacious and roomy, COMMODIOUS,                             
Needed for dances melodious,                                
Is gone, I do fear,                                         
When the crowds appear;                                     
Movement and smells become odious.                          
                                                            
72096 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My old pal and buddy, COMPADRE,                             
Will always be there with an odd dray                       
To cart you on home,                                        
When you've cracked your dome                               
Pursuing that fickle tart Audry.                            
                                                            
72097 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A clever COMPADRE I knew                                    
Would write limericks described as "blue."                  
They all brought a smile                                    
Though once in a while,                                     
The censors would warn to eschew.                           
                                                            
72098 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



COMPURGATOR, conspirator cool,                              
Swears to live by the "golden rule."                        
And pure truth tell-o                                       
'Bout buddy, poor fellow,                                   
When each is a low lying fool.                              
                                                            
72099 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Testifying as COMPURGATOR                                   
Before the wise adjudicator                                 
With risk may be fraught                                    
If one is then caught,                                      
Colluding as collaborator.                                  
                                                            
72100 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Reputation corroborator                                     
Should spend some time as contemplator.                     
Considering joys                                            
Of free-time employs,                                       
Life of unbound peregrinator.                               
                                                            
72101 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When liars tales CONCATENATE,                               
They hope to give their falsehoods weight                   
Of truth that's not there                                   
And so all is fair                                          
In Love, War, Elections and Hate.                           
                                                            
72102 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Her lover's prowess she'd CONCATENATE                       
In a score book after she'd mate.                           
This way she knew                                           
Exactly what to do                                          
When in need of good meat on her plate.                     
                                                            
72103 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



Fine figures of alliteration                                
Cunningly coif each creation                                
Of limericks light                                          
Fierce fancies of flight,                                   
Consonant CONCATENATION.                                    
                                                            
72104 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When gas caused his bowels to inflate,                      
He used Brioschi to CONCILIATE   (Italian Rolaids)          
The fiery farts,                                            
("Ouch, that really smarts!"),                              
The result of something he ate.                             
                                                            
72105 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Family, felicitious state,                                  
Ocassionally, each others grate.                            
Will find it much quicker                                   
For "blood is much thicker",                                
To forgive and CONCILIATE.                                  
                                                            
72106 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He said, with a smug look CONDIGN,                          
That smacked of a leer, quite vulpine,                      
"You've had some nice drinks,                               
And it's time, methinks.                                    
Now will it be your place or mine?"                         
                                                            
72107 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She replied, "I don't care where you go,                    
As long as your feet are not slow.                          
It shall not be to mine --                                  
I would find it CONDIGN                                     
If you went to the hot place below!"                        
                                                            
72108 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



The Afghani CONDOTTIERI                                     
Behave in a manner contrary;                                
Your friends for a day,                                     
Then foes right away                                        
For emolument monetary.                                     
                                                            
72109 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a group of CONDOTTIERI                       
Whose appearance was extraordinary.                         
Their armour was pink                                       
And oft lined with mink,                                    
'Cause their leader was a flaming fairy.                    
                                                            
72110 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Story telling, CONFABULAATION,                              
Fills in details with fabrication;                          
It's an artful dodge,                                       
Unless at lake lodge,                                       
With spirit of Scottish libation.                           
                                                            
72111 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



At dog shows who would ever guess                           
Size and shape in CONGENERIC mess,                          
Which varies in form.                                       
That what is canine norm,                                   
Astonishes me, I confess.                                   
                                                            
72112 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They're beasts that are quite large or small.               
Some hardly may have hair at all.                           
While others lack snout                                     
Or have spots about,                                        
But all quickly heed the chow call.                         
                                                            
72113 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Things coinciding are CONGRUENT,                            
Together flowing as confluent.                              
But split loving pair                                       
May soon find that they're                                  
Not still swimming with the affluent.                       
                                                            
72114 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sampson, Slick Willy, CONGRUENT,                            
Brought down for wild sex life pursuant.                    
While first, it is said,                                    
Lost hair in hot bed,                                       
The other got head from sex truant.                         
                                                            
72115 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Identical forms CONGRUENT                                   
And experience confluent                                    
Make poetic life                                            
With patable wife,                                          
If one is temptress eschewant.                              
                                                            
72116 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Said Queen Bee to drone from the hive,                      
About act in which they'd CONNIVE,                          
"You'll get some sex rare,                                  
Way up in the air,                                          
Climaxing in your deadly dive."                             
                                                            
72117 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Right after they leaarn how to dirve,                       
Teenagers are known to CONNIVE                              
To borrow your wheels.                                      
With constant appeals,                                      
They pelt you with deceptive jive!                          
                                                            
72118 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



The CONSPECTUS writers are blessed;                         
Of long themes they extract the zest,                       
And if they are good,                                       
It is understood,                                           
May even make Readers Digest.                               
                                                            
72119 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Is not man a wonderful thing?                               
A marvel of which angels sing.                              
This worshipped CONSPECTUS                                  
Of Homo erectus                                             
Is the equivalent of bada-boom, bada-bing.                  
                                                            
72120 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The outline of figure, CONTOUR,                             
Brought me some thoughts quite impure.                      
But that is man's fate:                                     
To see a figure-eight                                       
As outlines of a woman's figure.                            
                                                            
72121 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When I think of a word like CONTOUR,                        
It brings charms of the females' allure.                    
To males, hormone led,                                      
Such thoughts in his head,                                  
Are more than he can often endure.                          
                                                            
72122 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mousieur, who had on a peel slipped,                        
When on his feet once again quipped,                        
"Quel CONTRETEMPS,                                          
To have stepped upon                                        
Fruit que mon dierriere flipped."                           
                                                            
72123 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



A wee lad led life CONTUMACIOUS.                            
Behaved in ways other than gracious.                        
When adult life came,                                       
Continued his game,                                         
Writing bold limericks salacious.                           
                                                            
72124 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My mother thought me CONTUMACIOUS;                          
Her view, however, was fallacious.                          
Not me, a devil,                                            
Or much less, a rebel.                                      
I was merely being audacious.                               
                                                            
72125 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Strong drink in excess, displays us                         
In ways that may not be too gracious,                       
And loses us friends                                        
Because it just ends                                        
Up loud and so contumacious.                                
                                                            
72126 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Rebellious teens CONTUMACIOUS                               
Are problems in homes less spacious,                        
Where the strain on nerves                                  
Continually serves                                          
To make the parents less gracious.                          
                                                            
72127 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Obstinate or CONTUMACIOUS,                                  
Rebellious teen is not gracious,                            
And heaps contumely                                         
Till we are fumely,                                         
And wishing for climes more spacious.                       
                                                            
72128 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Emotional teens CONTUMACIOUS                                
Oft have an appetite rapacious.                             
But must spend time quelling                                
Some nether part swelling,                                  
Inappropriately tumacious.                                  
                                                            
72129 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Considering youth's evenescence                             
Without guaranteed renascence                               
With nether part score                                      
While you still can, before                                 
Tumescence give way to senescence.                          
                                                            
72130 WORDS - DEFINED                Fran                     



CONTUMELIOUS, done with a sneer,                            
CONTUMACIOUS, pest, out of here!,                           
Their Gemini presence,                                      
Unlike tumenescence,                                        
Another "Gezundheit!", I fear.                              
                                                            
72131 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CONTUMELY is more than derision,                            
And results from conscious decision,                        
To do someone wrong,                                        
By passing along                                            
Harsh words of a bitter division.                           
                                                            
72132 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CONURBATION, (let us give thanks)                           
Has been no problem in Fairbanks.                           
The cold, with its clout,                                   
Weeds cheechakos out,                                       
And keeps hardier souls in its ranks!                       
                                                            
72133 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Aggregated towns, CONURBATION,                              
Makes trouble in my observation;                            
Ineffectual,                                                
Intellectual,                                               
Architectural massed urbation.                              
                                                            
72134 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



New Jersey's a sad CONURBATION.                             
A spill of suburban stagnation                              
Near New York City                                          
And Philly, the pity;                                       
Now Garden State is concrete station.                       
                                                            
72135 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CONURBATION is good I suppose,                              
Except when each large city grows,                          
In time gets mature.                                        
There's one thing for sure,                                 
And that is, much larger ghettos.                           
                                                            
72136 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When nuns do gather CONVENTICLE,                            
In worship habits identical,                                
They are humble folks                                       
Who like telling jokes                                      
And stories that do convent tickle.                         
                                                            
72137 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A knowledgeable one's CONVERSANT                            
With subjects others find aversant,                        h
But if he should fling                                      
Degrees into ring,                                          
He may find respondents recursant.                          
                                                            
72138 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A Ph.D. title you'll fling,                                 
By being CONVERSANT on thing                                
Which nobody knows.                                         
So all knowledge grows                                      
By increments that you might bring.                         
                                                            
72139 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Scholarly PhD's you should note,                            
Often a renaissance flair they tote.                        
CONVERSANT in Greek,                                        
The language they speak,                                    
With thoughts that are weird and remote.                    
                                                            
72140 WORDS - DEFINED                Gene                     



Feasting company CONVIVIAL                                  
Must not be considered trivial;                             
For long duration,                                          
Joy of libation                                             
Produces effects oblivial.                                  
                                                            
72141 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



CONVIVIAL dining's a hoot;                                  
With friends you can get on a toot,                         
But it's diet botching,                                     
When you are weight watching                                
And are diabetic to boot.                                   
                                                            
72142 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I've chestnut trees gracefull and tall,                     
About COPPICE, spiky fruits fall.                           
My hands take a beating,                                    
Alas, there's no eating,                                    
Since nuts are so withered and small.                       
                                                            
72143 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I really like this naughty word;                            
It has charm...when French accent's heard.                  
Although it is true                                         
That a female who                                           
Can master this act, is a bird?                             
                                                            
72144 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Von Braun, the father of rocketry,                          
Was an absolute sucker for COQUETRY;                        
"Zey rise rahzer higher                                     
Vhen fuelled by desire,                                     
Vich vould have helped plenty at Lockerbie."                
                                                            
72145 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



"By her COQUETRY," wrote Marcel Proust,                     
"She was giving his rooster a boost."                       
But the bird that was crowing                               
And strutting and glowing                                   
Was sure not the coq on the roost.                          
                                                            
72146 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Although our dear readers may howl,                         
To learn COQUETRY, (tongue in jowl),                        
Describes, with much tact,                                  
A warm lady's act,                                          
Or raising part named after fowl.    (cock)                 
                                                            
72147 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A mad monk used to make merry,                              
With sex in a dark cemetary;                                
His lovers all willing,                                     
It's called "necrophilling",                                
Quite cheap, the grave COROLLARY.                           
                                                            
72148 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



You're thinking of Willy again,                             
The ora's not goal of most men,                             
Who seek gentle sheath,                                     
Devoid of sharp teeth,                                      
And saliva's juice, in soft "den".                          
                                                            
72149 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



Thus do cavernous CORPORA                                   
Overcome idle torpora                                       
Of lazy old male,                                           
Who then without fail                                       
Seeks relief from distaff ora.                              
                                                            
72150 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When cavernous CORPORA flood,                               
With surge to the thrill of warm blood,                     
It stimulates drive,                                        
Keeps humankind live,                                       
Though hardly the thought of a stud.                        
                                                            
72151 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When penile caverns CORPOREAL                               
Elect resurgence sensorial,                                 
Nerves there are shafted                                    
In limbus crafted                                           
Orgasmic aurora boreal.                                     
                                                            
72152 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



List of errata, CORRIGENDUM,                                
Is but a minor book addendum,                               
But one that corrects                                       
Grammatic defects;                                          
For some it's a major credendum.   (point of belief)        
                                                            
72153 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I think the twinkling one can see                           
After an ice storm, on a tree,                              
Fiber optic like,                                           
Up and down the pike,                                       
CORUSCATE a show...that is free!                            
                                                            
72154 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



In Republican's equations,                                  
The man with correct moral 'suasions,                       
Will lead our proud land,                                   
But all they've at hand,                                    
Is Quayle, man of great CORUSCATIONS                        
                                                            
72155 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A lady with ideas romantic,                                 
Performed belly dance CORYBANTIC,                           
Arousing her swain                                          
Who'd scarcely contain                                      
The spill, in the coupling frantic.                         
                                                            
72156 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Abandoned dancing, CORYBANTIC,                              
As Erin's dancers stepping antic,                           
Plays a role in dreams                                      
With funereal screams                                       
And much keening, wailing banshantic.                       
                                                            
72157 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Nestled in the great Atlantic,                              
Ireland's emerald shone romantic.                           
With fields evergreen                                       
And on mythic scene,                                        
Gorgeous colleens CORYBANTIC.                               
                                                            
72158 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If frenzied dancing CORYBANTIC                              
Is for you, a turn-on gigantic,                             
Beware dresses lost                                         
'Mid long tresses tossed.                                   
Though the difference may be semantic.                      
                                                            
72159 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Her boyfriend with octopus hand,                            
Had swift, slick seduction planned.                         
But hope, like snow melt                                    
Met chastity belt,                                          
And fair maiden's fierce COUNTERMAND.                       
                                                            
72160 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They say 'twas her face that had started,                   
From which Eros' love's arrow had darted.                   
My view is, he liked                                        
To see her skirts hiked,                                    
And for her soft CONTOURS he smarted.                       
                                                            
72161 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Pregnancy mimicking, COUVADE,                               
In fisherman seem rather odd;                               
Experience or pains                                         
Abdominal remains;                                          
A consequence of having scrod.                              
                                                            
72162 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



COUVADE, hubby's got a loose screw,                         
It's something most men would eschew.                       
Though, on other hand,                                      
It is neatly planned;                                       
A quite nice P.C. thing to do.                              
                                                            
72163 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



God's commandments once were a dozen,                       
Then Moses began to COZEN.                                  
Now we have ten,                                            
But let's try again.                                        
Adultry -- that one's still buzzin'.                        
                                                            
72164 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



In old days, they thought that the worse 'un,               
Of those they'd heap many a curse on,                       
At horse trader's mall,                                     
Who COZENED them all,                                       
Now it's the used car sales person.                         
                                                            
72165 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I don't care how crabs have sex                             
Or in which way their legs flex.                            
I just know they taste good                                 
LIke a King Crab leg should,                                
Speaking crabwise, as I knew you'd expect.                  
                                                            
72166 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He sidled up to me CRABWISE --                              
A manoever I really despise,                                
And he grabbed at my ass,                                   
By way of a pass,                                           
So I spat into both of his eyes.                            
                                                            
72167 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



In Alaska, I duly surmise,                                  
Where all things grow to great size,                        
Young brides are fated                                      
To be so sex-sated,                                         
That, like Kings, they amble crabwise.                      
                                                            
72168 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Tight lender may practice CRABWISE,                         
It's then not a walk he'd devise.                           
Like crab's anal verge,                                     
Repelling sea-surge,                                        
That's waterproof, you may surmise.                         
                                                            
72169 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A poor man, disturbed, I surmise,                           
When he found a post coital prize,                          
The next morning, which                                     
Gave rise to his itch                                       
And now he is sad and CRABWISE,                             
                                                            
72170 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sidling, evasive movements CRABWISE,                        
Suggests a wish to avoid surprise.                          
But neighbor mousy                                          
May leave him lousy,                                        
Until he pediculocide spies.                                
                                                            
72171 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A loud banging is heard at the door                         
And the girl nearly falls to the floor,                     
Grabs me by the arm                                         
And tells me great harm                                     
Will occur when he learns she's a whore.                    
                                                            
72172 WORDS - DEFINED                Ross Calvert             



After looking deep into her eyes,                           
Thinking of my impending demise,                            
I pulled my sleeve free,                                    
Deciding to flee                                            
Out the window, down the ledge crabwise.                    
                                                            
72173 WORDS - DEFINED                Ross Calvert             



Stereotypical CRAPEHANGER                                   
Is not usual party banger,                                  
But little wonder                                           
Is a take under,                                            
Who celebrates hearse in the hangar.                        
                                                            
72174 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There once lived a CRAPULOUS Count,                         
Who drank an enormous amount.                               
Too late to atone,                                          
His liver's like stone,                                     
And one will his grave soon surmount.                       
                                                            
72175 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CRAPULOUS, sounding like gunk,                              
Or something wlse that has stunk,                           
Just means that you got,                                    
A little besot,                                             
A nice way to say, "stinking drunk"!                        
                                                            
72176 WORDS - DEFINED                Cris Papa                



In long words I'm now not immured;                          
Of verbiage, I think I am cured.                            
By my own admission,                                        
I'm now in remission                                        
From multisyllabic crassitude!                              
                                                            
72177 WORDS - DEFINED                Archie                   



He sees all the glasses half-full,                          
Will dissect good-will, and then pull                       
A tale sad and grim,                                        
Which will delight him,                                     
The "Pessimist-Dyed-In-The-Wool".                           
                                                            
72178 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



CREPEHANGER,  a real "Gloomy Gus",                          
Whose presence disturbs most of us,                         
Sees no joy in life,                                        
'Tis all storm and strife,                                  
With perpetual need for a truss.                            
                                                            
72179 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There was a CREPUSCULAR cad                                 
With habits exceedingly bad.                                
Each evening at dusk,                                       
He'd catch scent of musk,                                   
And snatch at first tail to be had.                         
                                                            
72180 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Twilight predators CREPUSCULAR,                             
Mosquitoes' uptake corpuscular                              
Leaves the skin itching,                                    
Amid moaning, bitching;                                     
No matter how tough or muscular.                            
                                                            
72181 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My wife adds to my list of crimes,                          
The fact that as Sunday morn chimes,                        
I would test with a will                                    
CRUCIVERBALIST skill,                                       
A struggle from The New York Times.                         
                                                            
72182 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mad Monk would endure flagellation,                         
Whenever he caused a sensation                              
With play like a rabbit                                     
Beneath sister's habit,                                     
He called "CRYPTIC COPULATION."                             
                                                            
72183 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It is certainly not just your fault,                        
And I would not your errors exalt,                          
But in hidden games                                         
Of such cryptic names,                                      
A CRYPTONYM is surely a vault.                              
                                                            
72184 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A CRYPTONYM to foil the fuzz;                               
The criminal oft used to buzz                               
For many a year,                                            
Until, I much fear,                                         
The guy forgot just who he was.                             
                                                            
72185 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Old Bernie often used to quip,                              
'Bout an outburst from his Ladyship.                        
"If future use thumb, Shaw,                                 
You've already come, Shaw,                                  
And I didn't even feel the tip!"                            
                                                            
72186 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



The night lady satisfied, NOT!                              
For her mighty labors she got                               
A roll in the straw,                                        
Then meagre CUMSHAW,                                        
One small and overripe kumquat.                             
                                                            
72187 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hamlet was known as CUNCTATOR,                              
An out and out stepfather hater,                            
Who talked with the dead,                                   
Took Ophelia to bed,                                        
A wedding?, "I'll see you later!"                           
                                                            
72188 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



That guy who delays, the CUNCTATOR,                         
Is not merely a long-time waiter,                           
But a through and through                                   
(Though technically few)                                    
Down and dirty procrastinator                               
                                                            
72189 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Most women prefer a CUNCTATOR                               
Who shuns sooner and tries to come later.                   
"Don't be in a rush;                                        
Wait for my cheeks to flush.                                
Else you are just a masturbator.                            
                                                            
72190 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



CYANOSIS means oxygen small,                                
Is response to starved tissue's call,                       
Lest properly fed,                                          
It soon will be dead,                                       
CYANOSIS, Sayonara, you all!                                
                                                            
72191 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Low O2 brings CYANOSIS,                                     
Preceded by some psychosis,                                 
And, without some air,                                      
Will bring a fixed stare                                    
And premature apoptosis.  (cell death)                      
                                                            
72192 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Life's passage is surely a DAEDEL,                          
Begun when we're still in the cradle.                       
We then spend our days                                      
In it's varied maze,                                        
Dipping for joy with large ladle.                           
                                                            
72193 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Foreign spy with DAEDEL plan,                               
Explosives inside of a van.                                 
Ignited too soon,                                           
Blew part to Rangoon,                                       
The other half back to Iran.                                
                                                            
72194 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Real elections now seem a lost cause.                       
Within recent years we've had pause                         
To see that court rules,                                    
Like confusion of fools,                                    
Interpreting those DAEDAL laws.                             
                                                            
72195 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DAEDAL, of intricate ways,                                  
Ingenious, the lexicon says,                                
But adding an "R",                                          
Takes us quite far,                                         
To where the spinning Draedal displays.                     
                                                            
72196 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The maze inventor was DAEDAL,                               
Whose wings avoided bipedal.                                
From Minos' landscapes                                      
Inventor excapes                                            
To Sicel through eye of needle.                             
                                                            
72197 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Our DAEDAL manuvers, birth to end,                          
Fill our bellies and the wolf off fend.                     
Pol gives the rich more                                     
And steals from the poor.                                   
Robin Hood in reverse; not our friend.                      
                                                            
72198 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I think there's a lot to be said,                           
When asking for lots to be fed;                             
A DAGWOOD's a must;                                         
It's better than just                                       
Ordering up a BUMSTEAD.                                     
                                                            
72199 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Multilayered sandwich, DAGWOOD,                             
Has such high fat content, it could                         
Make arteries teeny,                                        
So place zucchini                                           
In sandwich where salami stood.                             
                                                            
72200 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The sandwich we call a DAGWOOD                              
Holds all the leftovers it could.                           
From throughout the fridge,                                 
A bread-layered ridge,                                      
With more to eat that a man should.                         
                                                            
72201 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



DALTONISM on the Irish scene                                
Produces result rather mean,                                
With green haired colleens                                  
As St Paddy queens,                                         
Who wear red instead of the green.                          
                                                            
72202 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DARBY AND JOAN used to be,                                  
Like Harriet-Ozz of TV;                                     
Domestic bliss pair,                                        
Exceedingly rare,                                           
Unlike some sad spouses I see.                              
                                                            
72203 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Beauty's not DASYPYGAL derriere;                            
No, it's smooth and taut as lady fair.                      
And I'll never forget                                       
The night the sun set                                       
On hillocks of Londonderry air.                             
                                                            
72204 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A DASYPYGAL derriere                                        
In men's not particularly rare,                             
While ladies hirsute                                        
Are considered cute                                         
In Middle East kingdom somewhere.                           
                                                            
72205 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Having seen the baboon's big red ass                        
As he emerges from the tall grass,                          
Were I he, I'd elect                                        
A DASYPYGAL effect --                                       
Not pretty, but a bit more class.                           
                                                            
72206 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Waking up in a post drinking fog,                           
Next to cam of her marital cog,                             
She patted his butt                                         
And knew in her gut,                                        
'Twas a rear DASYPYGAL, her dog's.                          
                                                            
72207 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



While feeling was one way to tell                           
Who cuddled next in sleeping well,                          
Some hubbies I know                                         
Like canine hair grow,                                      
But they do have a quite different smell!                   
                                                            
72208 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The DAUNTLESS will all caution spurn,                       
And dangerous deeds they might earn,                        
Like taking a job                                           
With that Washington slob,                                  
Perhaps as a willing intern.                                
                                                            
72209 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The one without fear is DAUNTLESS.                          
Though his environ be tauntless,                            
He stands firm to say,                                      
"I won't run away,                                          
And won't join the ranks of the vauntless."                 
                                                            
72210 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Our cheers for the DAUNTLESS exude                          
A hope that attacks won't intrude.                          
How could we know                                           
His shouted "No go!"                                        
Results from boots to the road glued.                       
                                                            
72211 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



DAVEY JONES' LOCKER is not for me;                          
Never a mermaid I'd choose to be.                           
They can hug, they can kiss,                                
And they don't seem to miss                                 
Pay day, finale, et le grand prix.                          
                                                            
72212 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The sea floor of DAVEY JONES' LOCKER                        
Is where I'd throw a heavy rocker                           
Whose war on my ears                                        
Ain't drowned by ten beers.                                 
I'd ask Snoopy to shoot that Fokker.                        
                                                            
72213 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



They say that there's fun to be found                       
In DAVEY JONES' LOCKER around                               
The floor of the sea,                                       
Where mermaids swim free,                                   
All sexy and swimming ungowned.                             
                                                            
72214 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



We think of the Brits as our friend.                        
They visit, but some have bad end.                          
They get in a car,                                          
Forget where they are,                                      
Through rotaries, DEASIL they wend.                         
                                                            
72215 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Of English roadway's I'd flout;                             
The "rotaries" you state, no doubt,                         
That circle, you see                                        
Is known formally                                           
As an eternal "roundabout."                                 
                                                            
72216 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A husband who feared being cuckold                          
Was planning to cheat and he chuckled.                      
Thus wife knew he lusted                                    
And so he was busted,                                       
Without getting his belt DEBACLED.                          
                                                            
72217 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



If a DEBONAIR dude did cherchez                             
Les femmes their fine asset to assay,                       
I'm sure he'd oft find                                      
Protection behind                                           
That suggested that he should sashay.                       
                                                            
72218 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There once was a dude DEBONAIR,                             
Who chechezed les femmes with a flair.                      
To nines he was dressed                                     
And ladies, impressed,                                      
But he like them butt-naked bare.                           
                                                            
72219 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To be considered DEBONAIR                                   
Requires panache and a certain flair,                       
For women and drink,                                        
And living on the brink,                                    
And a touch of the Devil-may-care.                          
                                                            
72220 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I used to aim for DEBONAIR.                                 
But now, I really don't care.                               
My new goal's survival                                      
For which there's no rival,                                 
'Cause hereafter, there is no there.                        
                                                            
72221 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Sophisticated, suave, DEBONAIR,                             
The Bobby did stroll SoHo's night air.                      
His eagerness showed,                                       
He was then furloughed                                      
For pinching the London derriere.                           
                                                            
72222 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To be cool and seem DEBONAIR,                               
Acquire that suave savoir faire,                            
I have heard it taught                                      
Requires but naught                                         
Save tea sipped with pinky in air.                          
                                                            
72223 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though DEBONAIR and with much beauty,                       
And at times a little bit snooty,                           
Tired of a dull life,                                       
And work's 8 to 5 strife,                                   
She said, "I'll divorce, get some booty."                   
                                                            
72224 WORDS - DEFINED                Gene                     



From their locker room the players DEBOUCH,                 
Each wearing a colorful swoosh.                             
On your impressionable psyche                               
Burns the image of Nike,                                    
Like a modern-day Egyptian cartouche.                       
                                                            
72225 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



When playing with intern on couch,                          
Take care no seed will DEBOUCH,                             
'Cause DNA stain                                            
Results in great pain                                       
And loud political OUCH!                                    
                                                            
72226 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When shot in the thigh did bleed, meant                     
Probe for the pellets it'd need, meant                      
To clean up the track,                                      
Get clean tissue back;                                      
That's called "surgical DEBRIDEMENT."                       
                                                            
72227 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When I go to a function or fete,                            
Thrown in with some others I'd hate,                        
To talk for a time;                                         
The reason sublime,                                         
Is most are just DECEREBRATE.                               
                                                            
72228 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris                    



When his cortical fuctions go wild,                         
You should DECEREBRATE your young child:                    
A blown cerebellum                                          
Will quite swiftly tell 'em                                 
That adults want 'docile' and 'mild'.                       
                                                            
72229 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



DECEREBRATE, to pith one's brain foam,                      
Leaves personality monocychrome:                            
Veritable zombie;                                           
Fitch, no Abercrombie.                                      
The  heart is beating, but no one's home.                   
                                                            
72230 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It's obvious for all to see                                 
That Saddam, the day he did flee,                           
Was in quite a fix;                                         
No time to deep six.                                        
The best he could do was "deep three."                      
                                                            
72231 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Illegal skimming, DEFALCATE,                                
In Arabia calls for fate                                    
In manner most blythe,                                      
With falciform scythe,                                      
The hand is removed, if not pate.                           
                                                            
72232 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Manager with bank funds skated,                             
'Twas told them he'd DEFALCATED.                            
Caught, placed in a cell,                                   
Said after a spell,                                         
"This rat hole is overated."                                
                                                            
72233 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our freedoms he'll take on a whim                           
And rights to attorney make thin;                           
Unlike Richardson,  (Nixon's Attorney general)              
He won't mischief shun.                                     
But who can DEFENESTRATE him?                               
                                                            
72234 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The notion of DEFENESTRATION                                
Got a vivid demonstration                                   
When Archibald Cox                                          
Was blown out of his socks                                  
By the Nixon administration.                                
                                                            
72235 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The DEFENESTRATION of Czechs,                               
A terrible deed one suspects,                               
Was from tower high,                                        
Though victims got by                                       
As broken Bohemian wrecks.                                  
                                                            
72236 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Postpone, delay, put off or DEFER,                          
There's no doubt for procrastinateur.                       
That what must be done                                      
For life in the sun,                                        
Is what wolves from the door will deter.                    
                                                            
72237 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Presidential minions' DEFERENCE                             
Acknowledges power reference,                               
Where by the commands,                                      
"Execute!" he stands,                                       
Beheading all system efferents.                             
                                                            
72238 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A Presidential preference,                                  
Should deserve proper reverence.                            
Except those at the top                                     
Should their egos stop,                                     
And desist from "Viva la DEFERENCE".                        
                                                            
72239 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When engaging in deglutition,                               
Here's a fact that needs recognition:                       
I hope that you've heard                                    
When you eat every word,                                    
There's little or no real nutrition.                        
                                                            
72240 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The tongue and throat in DEGLUTITION                        
Work for eating and imbibition,                             
But many a bloke                                            
Has had oft to choke                                        
From inadequate mouth dentition.                            
                                                            
72241 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A nasty strep virus in stealth                              
Leads to DEGRINGOLADE of family's health.                   
Contagious daughter and spouse                              
Make me disinfect the house,                                
When I should be out acquiring wealth.                      
                                                            
72242 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl                   



A sudden tumble, DEGRINGOLADE,                              
Isn't quite something one might applaud.                    
Unless one lacked tact                                      
And Jack and Jill act                                       
Did land before the Marquis de Sade.                        
                                                            
72243 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It's not nice for wounds to DEHISCE,                        
Because with the coming abyss,                              
Good healing's delayed;                                     
Need more than band-aid                                     
To get the cut edges to kiss.                               
                                                            
72244 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DEIPNOSOPHIST dines with mots bon,                          
Clever stories and talking on,                              
With topics sundry,                                         
"Dinner with Andre,"                                        
In the manner of Wallace Shawn.                             
(good conversationalist at meals)                           
72245 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



DEIPNOSOPHIST, I know only one,                             
Eating with him isn't much fun.                             
Once I've cleaned my plate,                                 
I suffer the fate,                                          
Listening for hours till he's done!                         
(good conversationalist at meals)                           
72246 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DEIPNOSOPHISTS aren't much fun,                             
It ain't like they just "eat and run",                      
Cobwebs long will grow,                                     
As onward they go,                                          
Still yacking, long after you're done.                      
                                                            
72247 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



But I've a few pals who tell jokes,                         
The kind "just between us male folks",                      
They're dangerous too,                                      
Because as you chew,                                        
Loud laughter yields quips, gasps and chokes.               
                                                            
72248 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For long-legged lasses I'd dither                           
And feel foot-long flames my loins wither,                  
So I'm searching still                                      
For one gal who will                                        
Do me a DEKKO-come-hither.                                  
                                                            
72249 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DEMAGOGUERY, pols have perfected,                           
Saying whatever's expected.                                 
Just pulling our leg                                        
Until they renege,                                          
Right after they become elected.                            
                                                            
72250 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The practiced DEMAGOGUE                                     
Emits a perfumed fog                                        
Of honeyed words                                            
Which, like so many turds,                                  
Your brain, like old plumbing, will clog.                   
                                                            
72251 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



You can't really have a dialogue                            
If one of the speakers is a DEMAGOGUE.                      
On your ear he will chew                                    
With his own biased view,                                   
Producing no light and much fog.                            
                                                            
72252 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Oh DEMAGOGUE, had you your druthers,                        
You'd rob your sister and your brothers.                    
May bird of foo                                             
Present to you                                              
The gift he gives deserving others.                         
                                                            
72253 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



DEMAGOGUES, devils perfect 'em,                             
For voters with brains up their rectum,                     
Scream promises rash                                        
For more jobs and cash,                                     
To make sure the boobs will elect 'em.                      
                                                            
72254 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I kill famous folks, that's my line,                        
And I like them to die while they dine.                     
I showed up a bit late.                                     
Still assassinate,                                          
But what DEMARCATE was strychnine.                          
                                                            
72255 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



DEMARCATE is word very fine;                                
I'd slip into verses of mine,                               
Except for the fact,                                        
When choices are stacked,                                   
I just don't know where to draw line.                       
                                                            
72256 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When choices are stacked, we elate                          
And find no need to DEMARCATE.                              
We tell them its fine;                                      
Just get in line;                                           
We'll enjoy one and all 'til its late.                      
                                                            
72257 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Yes, how you DEMEAN where you're sitting,                   
Depends greatly on what there's fitting.                    
So bow in Japan,                                            
Shake hands in Tappan,                                      
And please go nowhere if your spitting.                     
                                                            
72258 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A damsel of demur DEMEANOR,                                 
Decidedly zaftig, not leaner,                               
Was oft heard to say,                                       
She'd eschew the lay                                        
'Cause she thought chewing food was much keener.            
                                                            
72259 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some ladies perforce have to feign                          
Their joy in their proper DEMESNE;                          
But when they're elsewhere,                                 
It's there that they share                                  
Enjoyment complete with their swain.                        
                                                            
72260 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Most limericists dwell in DEMESNE,                          
Salacious, suggestive terrain,                              
With five lines that scan,                                  
According to plan,                                          
On a low, loving, lyrical lane.                             
                                                            
72261 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The common and vulgar, DEMOTIC,                             
Have effects on people hypnotic,                            
But constant exposure                                       
In confined enclosure                                       
Makes mental processes necrotic.                            
                                                            
72262 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



DENTIGEROUS dogs are all right;                             
They guard everything there in sight.                       
Though the wherewithal                                      
Of chihuahua small                                          
Is surely more bark that its bite.                          
                                                            
72263 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hoisting apparatus, DERRICK,                                
Named for a hangman barbaric,                               
Lost it's meaning gallows                                   
For miscreant callows,                                      
And now lifts shiploads generic.                            
                                                            
72264 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Fill barrels of oil to the bung,                            
The stuff that from DERRICK is sprung.                      
Although now I see,                                         
Originally,                                                 
'Twas named for real person, well-hung!                     
                                                            
72265 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A stunt driver will, on occasion,                           
Forgo all his wheel lubrication.                            
With bearing goo,                                           
His loud DERRING-DO                                         
Creates a quite noisy sensation.                            
                                                            
72266 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



DERRING-DO deeds are quite reckless,                        
Admired by others quite feckless,                           
Who'd rather, it's said,                                    
Just stay home in bed,                                      
And try to get by with a speck less.                        
                                                            
72267 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Each darling of DERRING-DO deeds                            
Has all that a hero e'er needs.                             
Testes larger than brain,                                   
Exempt from all pain,                                       
And even when cut, never bleeds.                            
                                                            
72268 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Large closets foster DESUETUDE,                             
As clothes and shoes gain plenitude.                        
Now you can sing blues                                      
About all my shoes,                                         
But please don't step on da suede, Dude.                    
                                                            
72269 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Over linguistic matter I brood,                             
About use of word DESUETUDE.                                
I'll never refuse                                           
To use word "disuse";                                       
Same thing, but without attitude.                           
                                                            
72270 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DEUS EX MACHINA is facile.                                  
When the heroine is trapped in a castle,                    
Down from the sky                                           
Comes a guy who can fly,                                    
Sparing the playwright much hassle.                         
                                                            
72271 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



We seldom, if ever, have seen a                             
Case where a DEUS EX MACHINA                                
Was any more needed.                                        
The voters felt cheated.                                    
Could someone send God a subpoena?                          
                                                            
72272 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Adroit skills employed by the dextrous,                     
With either hand are ambidexterous.                         
That dish of a doll                                         
Who could do it all                                         
Is probably now ambisextrous.                               
                                                            
72273 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When my personal imp (always near)                          
Pours DIABLERIE into my ear,                                
And stokes up the fire                                      
Of Puckish desire,                                          
You gentlemen'd better stand clear!                         
                                                            
72274 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Though once it meant dealing with devil,                    
Today on a much different level,                            
DIABLERIE brings                                            
Just mischievous things;                                    
Pranks, in which others may revel.                          
                                                            
72275 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Now I know what I'm missing!                                
What I need to improve the kissing:                         
DIABLERIE might                                             
Just be right!                                              
Black magic...But please...no hissing.                      
                                                            
72276 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



She wore a DIAPHANOUS gown,                                 
For their real big date on the town.                        
But he was forlorn,                                         
'Cause bulging front "horn",                                
Inconveniently wouldn't stay down.                          
                                                            
72277 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DIASTEMA means a tooth gap,                                 
The kind that much debris can trap,                         
But it brought great fame,                                  
To old what-his-name,                                       
The smiling, Mad Comics, droll chap.                        
(Alfred E. Newman)                                          
72278 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bitter denouncing DIATRIBE,                                 
Not practice to which I ascribe,                            
Is hardly seductive                                         
And counter-productive                                      
And may cause others to imbibe.                             
                                                            
72279 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Instructional techniques DIDACTIC                           
Do not always leave one climactic.                          
So some diversion                                           
Or slight perversion                                        
May be needed, perhaps tie tactic.                          
                                                            
72280 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Bill's lesson in sex ed, DIDACTIC,                          
Was, "Gals, it is better to whack dick,                     
With your lips and cheek,                                   
'NOT SEX; (so to speak)                                     
And no need to use prophylactic."                           
                                                            
72281 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



But please heed this frantic refrain,                       
Don't spread seed all over the plain,                       
'Cause some of the town                                     
Knows when you "go down",                                   
If your blue dresses show stain."                           
                                                            
72282 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a DIFFIDENT guy,                             
Excessively awkward and shy.                                
"I'd like to go out,                                        
But I'm not about                                           
To let ladies unzip my fly!"                                
                                                            
72283 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In Georgia, I was once among                                
Those with a DILATORY tongue.                               
I'd wait till they drawled                                  
Thoroughly "You all"ed,                                     
And found I was no longer young.                            
                                                            
72284 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The arts dabbler who is DILETTANTE,                         
Not mistaken for pro nonchalant,                            
Will nevertheless                                           
A great love express                                        
For the subject, like some debutante.                       
                                                            
72285 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There once was a young DILETTANTE,                          
Who discovered no one that did want                         
His pictures, quite crude,                                  
Of himself in the nude,                                     
Since he really had nothing to flaunt.                      
                                                            
72286 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



A deluge oft goes DILUVIAL                                  
From heavenly flows effluvial.                              
But in ages cold,                                           
The ice flows are bold,                                     
And push aside ridges alluvial.                             
                                                            
72287 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Noah, in God's eye approvial,                               
Was warned of event DILUVIAL.                               
Got species aboard                                          
In large howling horde,                                     
And set sail on the ocean pluvial.                          
                                                            
72288 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our world's atmospheric pollution                           
Cries out for a simple solution.                            
Forstall smoking blights                                    
By forbidding lights                                        
To those who'd bring breath DIMINUTION.                     
                                                            
72289 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Unless it's from really strong drink,                       
Diplopia's bad, for I think                                 
Your system, it shocks.                                     
Consult paradox;                                            
They'll fix you up quack as a wink.                         
                                                            
72290 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



He felt he was in Utopia;                                   
Two ladies, a cornucopia.                                   
Thought he'd bedded two,                                    
But the eye doctor knew                                     
'Twas merely horny DIPLOPIA.                                
                                                            
72291 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As any old word meets our ken,                              
We slip in some sex, now and then.                          
At which I take heart,                                      
Though it will impart,                                      
Idea we are dirty old men.                                  
                                                            
72292 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



'Twould be great if the TV network news                     
Could only give us the chance to choose                     
Some bias from the right,                                   
But every night,                                            
It's left views we must DISABUSE.                           
                                                            
72293 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Dissembler does DISCOMBOBULATE                              
With reasons and whys which are late.                       
Though who can comare                                       
Such whining, "Unfair!                                      
We did not then even copulate."                             
                                                            
72294 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Dyslexia does recreate                                      
A confused and panicky state.                               
We should have concern                                      
When some don't discern                                     
Words it does DISCOMBOBULATE.                               
                                                            
72295 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Having DISCOMBOBULATE,                                      
Creating confusion real great,                              
Will disorganize,                                           
Thoughts, actions wise,                                     
Thus leaving conclusion to Fate.                            
                                                            
72296 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Unpleasant things that await us,                            
And surely contrive to deflate us,                          
Some nice old-timers,                                       
May suffer Alzheimer's,                                     
Staus DISCOMBOBULATUS.                                      
                                                            
72297 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DISCOMBOBULATED, one who's                                  
Easy to distract and confuse.                               
Like Monica L.                                              
When Prez she does smell,                                   
Forgets logic, commits taboos.                              
                                                            
72298 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



The inconvenience of DISCOMMODE                             
Is nothing compared to Texas toad,                          
Who was flushed by rains                                    
Down through Houston drains,                                
Then up and out of the commode flowed.                      
                                                            
72299 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



DISCONFECTION, practice cheery,                             
Makes bacteriologists weary.                                
They find it appalling,                                     
Insults their calling,                                      
Repudiates current Germ Theory.                             
(to sterilize dropped candy by blowing the fuzz off)        
72300 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I think there is much to DISDAIN,                           
Things that I consider a pain.                              
I have a long list                                          
Of what leaves me "pissed",                                 
But not enough space to explain.                            
                                                            
72301 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Swedes hold in contempt, in DISDAIN,                        
Those whose language is markedly Dane,                      
But it did induce                                           
Dear Hans to produce                                        
Gentle Anderson stories humane.                             
                                                            
72302 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Waters from river's mouth DISEMBOGUE,                       
Described by guides in a lilting brogue.                    
The delta's darkening                                       
Sent many harkening                                         
Back to thoughts of the hurricaine rogue.                   
                                                            
72303 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Provoking debate, DISPUTATIOUS,                             
Has about it a sense less gracious;                         
It starts contention                                        
Beyond intention                                            
And becomes to listeners vexatious.                         
                                                            
72304 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



DISSEMBLE, polite as can be,                                
Means with truth one is too free.                           
It cools the hot fire                                       
Of calling one "liar!"                                      
But it means the same thing to me.                          
                                                            
72305 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hiding feelings or facts, DISSEMBLE,                        
Plausible story to assemble;                                
What a web we weave                                         
When we do deceive                                          
In trying some truth to resemble.                           
                                                            
72306 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Strange friends in political bed,                           
Congress seeks justice with dread.                          
Slick Willy don't lie;                                      
Won't perjury buy;                                          
The poor chap DISSEMBLES instead!                           
                                                            
72307 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



'Tis pity, the time that we waste,                          
With sex fights concocted in haste,                         
Where gender rules all,                                     
Beyond reason's call,                                       
Thus yielding our DISTAFF's distaste.                       
                                                            
72308 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The DISTAFF jobs are "woman's work,"                        
Now so labeled only by a jerk,                              
Whose lack of repect,                                       
Not hard to detect,                                         
Cannot be dismissed as a quirk.                             
                                                            
72309 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The poor deacon's wife was DISTRAIT,                        
When the household cat slipped away,                        
And stayed out all night,                                   
In hopes that he might                                      
Find a mate in estrus, and play.                            
                                                            
72310 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mau Mau might be DITTOGRAPHY,                               
But Swahili's good as can be;                               
A Bantu-like tongue                                         
Spoken well among                                           
East African tribes near the sea.                           
                                                            
72311 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



DITTOGRAPHY is the condition                                
Where one who would make exposition                         
By page or by lip,                                          
They then by sly slip,                                      
Get caught in mistake's repetitition.                       
                                                            
72312 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DIAERESIS, helpful can be,                                  
In scanning line of poetry,                                 
Or vowel position,                                          
But to physician,                                           
DIURESIS, is lots more "pee".                               
                                                            
72313 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A recent affair of the state,                               
With Madonna served up as 'plate',                          
For President randy,                                        
Who thought she was dandy.                                  
Now papers proclaim, "DIVAGATE!"                            
                                                            
72314 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She wed what she thought was "old fossil,"                  
Who'd behave on dates in a mode DOCILE.                     
But, once they were wed,                                    
He wore out the bed,                                        
With sex play that she called "Colossal!"                   
                                                            
72315 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



At work the man was rather DOCILE;                          
Colleagues thought him much like fossil.                    
But playing his horn                                        
From midnight 'til morn,                                    
Patrons thought his jazz quite colossal.                    
                                                            
72316 WORDS - DEFINED                Gene                     



The DOCTRINE OF SIGNATURES does hold                        
That glittering things could be gold;                       
That first impressions                                      
Hold through all the sessions,                              
And against a "winner", you fold.                           
                                                            
72317 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In midwest we called them DOG DAYS.                         
In SF by contrast the fog lays                              
All over the hills,                                         
Creating such chills;                                       
It's no wonder some live in a grog daze.                    
                                                            
72318 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



DOG DAYS in mid summer abound;                              
Good neither for man nor for hound.                         
Exhaustion their levy,                                      
Hot, humid and heavy.                                       
You can't do much but mope around.                          
                                                            
72319 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When DOLOR of Life makes one smart                          
And fills the chest with heavy heart,                       
Bring in the sun's rays;                                    
Start singing, I say.                                       
Make happiness your work of art.                            
                                                            
72320 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The pain, grief, and sorrow of DOLOR,                       
Compounded by an inflamed molar,                            
May drive one insane                                        
Or to verse inane,                                          
Though we can hope for something droller.                   
                                                            
72321 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To tear hymen is DOLOROUS act.                              
Fellatio leaves it intact,                                  
Saves virginity.                                            
The kids all agree;                                         
History supports them in fact.                              
                                                            
72322 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



The large screaming headlines all say                       
Our schools show DOLOROUS decay;                            
Poor in "3-R's" part.                                       
The kids are sex smart,                                     
And do things the Bill Clinton way.                         
                                                            
72323 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Their morals all stained like fly specs,                    
Fellatio fiends, one suspects;                              
They think it okay                                          
The President's way;                                        
Oficially it just isn't sex.                                
                                                            
72324 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our abode is a DOMICILE,                                    
The place we live with little style;                        
With payments struggle,                                     
Before fire snuggle,                                        
Then shower: clean fun on smooth tile.                      
                                                            
72325 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The men at the DONNYBROOK fair                              
Would frequently fiddle an air.                             
They'd empty the glasses                                    
And tumble the lasses                                       
And scrap in a heap in the square.                          
                                                            
72326 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Whenever they tumble and fight                              
And drink and carouse in the night                          
And carry on madly,                                         
Behaving quite badly,                                       
They call it a DONNYBROOK, right?                           
                                                            
72327 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



DONNYBROOK, fight is a bubblin',                            
Producin' a melee that's troublin'.                         
It name-fame enshrined,                                     
But never you mind,                                         
It could just as well be a "Dublin".                        
                                                            
72328 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An irate old wife showed great anger,                       
'Cause her hubby old wouldn't bang her.                     
She prayed to her gods                                      
For, above all odds,                                        
Mate who was stud DOPPELGANGER.                             
                                                            
72329 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DOPPELGANGER in mirror I see.                               
I can't believe that guy is me.                             
With hair shocking white                                    
And skin not as bright                                      
As my envelope used to be.                                  
                                                            
72330 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To the bank John Smih rushed in a fright;                   
His account was suspiciously light.                         
It is truly a shame                                         
That his simple plain name,                                 
Is such a DOPPELGANGER's delight.                           
                                                            
72331 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



Men like to give all DORSAL pat;                            
Mens' backs, where the action is at,                        
While women, they feather                                   
In a region nether,                                         
That's filled with more sensual fat.                        
                                                            
72332 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Backside or topside is DORSAL                               
For animals that start as mere morsel,                      
But it's another story                                      
For plant morning glory,                                    
Whose twining vines grow up dextrorsal.                     
(counterclockwise)                                          
72333 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The DOUBLE ENTENDRE's invention                             
That logophiles easily mention                              
Is best when ribald,                                        
Not pecked or quibbled,                                     
Delivered with dual intention.                              
                                                            
72334 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



All hail to the Limerick Muse!                              
Our verse she will often enthuse                            
With DOUBLE ENTENDRE,                                       
To focus each wanderer                                      
On Pentatette form that we use.                             
                                                            
72335 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The "hump" of the dowager dame,                             
I'm certain it isn't the same                               
As the one that one "figgers"                               
Nor does it mean preggers;                                  
That's gibbous too, but she's too tame.                     
                                                            
72336 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The siren of old's now a frump:                             
Spine shortened, a gnarled GIBBOUS stump,                   
Which goes by the name,                                     
In lexicon's game,                                          
Of descriptive, "dowager's hump."                           
                                                            
72337 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Which, to me, seems a bit of a shame,                       
Though owning a sex life quite tame,                        
Depicts a tart's fun,                                       
(She may have been one),                                    
To one whose a quite proper dame.                           
                                                            
72338 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A rich heiress started to feel,                             
That she was quite "DOWN-AT-THE-HEEL",                      
When stock market fell,                                     
She said, "What the hell,                                   
This year's mink coat will be seal".                        
                                                            
72339 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In congress, rank goes to the DOYEN,                        
Not in wisdom but time in the cloyin'                       
Job of repaying                                             
Backers whose braying                                       
Kills chances that sense he's employin'.                    
                                                            
72340 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



A most revered leader's a DOYEN,                            
But that's only if he's a boy 'n'                           
Should she be a queen,                                      
I would call her DOYENNE.                                   
I suppose that's a job she'd take joy in.                   
                                                            
72341 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary                     



A DOYENNE of dolls, Madame Blanche,                         
Helped sexual frustrations to staunch.                      
She made lots of cash,                                      
'Til girls got a rash.                                      
She now toils at the "Mustang Ranch".                       
(Mustang Ranch - famous bordello outside Reno, Nevada, USA) 
72342 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The most senior woman claims DOYENNE,                       
As the dean of troupe tragedienne,                          
Not a mere actor                                            
With an age factor,                                         
But with experience making men.                             
                                                            
72343 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



That Strangeloving doctor named "No",                       
Wasn't fond of James Bond, but we know                      
He loved his white cat.                                     
So it's clear to me that                                    
There was Pussy Galore in that show.                        
                                                            
72344 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Dr. Strangelove was a funny spoof;                          
Morbid humor was not a goof.                                
Fail safe satirized,                                        
Book and film disguised,                                    
In which, no kidding, world goes POOF!                      
                                                            
72345 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



Dr. Strangelove is a scary sort,                            
Who thinks nuking folks is a sport.                         
And will, if not checked,                                   
Lead to a world wrecked,                                    
Cutting Homo erectus span short.                            
                                                            
72346 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As fanatical Dr. Strangelove,                               
Peter Sellers could only unglove                            
The tight, evil fist                                        
That all of us hissed,                                      
As Slim Pickens rode down from above.                       
                                                            
72347 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A DRAGOMAN, needed by most                                  
When visiting a foreign host.                               
Investment you'll make                                      
For a baksheesh take,                                       
Else your guide will become a ghost.                        
                                                            
72348 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Seeds of strife left behind, DRAGONS TEETH,                 
Described in plays of deeds on the heath,                   
Soon undid Macbeth                                          
And still taints the breath                                 
Of Scots chafing in the English sheath.                     
                                                            
72349 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Take care how you sow DRAGON'S TEETH,                       
Lest danger be pulled from it's sheath.                     
With malice, it's so,                                       
A rumor can grow                                            
Into a funereal wreath.                                     
                                                            
72350 WORDS - DEFINED                Kim                      



Politicians, there's nothing beneath;                       
Their odious campaigns bequeath.                            
Among their worse sores,                                    
Horrid class wars,                                          
And other hateful DRAGONS' TEETH.                           
                                                            
72351 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A Shakespeare-hating DRAMATURG                              
Could never resist his dark urge                            
To cut the plays short                                      
And make them the sort                                      
In which modern slang he might splurge.                     
                                                            
72352 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To help sail through sweet married life,                    
Free from fierce frown and sad strife,                      
Select your spouse new                                      
And seek to eschew                                          
Lass likely to be DREADNOUGHT wife.                         
                                                            
72353 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Court actions are more than DREARY;                         
Rulings have been less than cheery.                         
Partisan throughout,                                        
Makes for lots of doubt.                                    
Of such decisions I am leery.                               
                                                            
72354 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



"If the shoe fits, wear it." you've heard;                  
Witty turns of the phrase with a bird.                      
Sees Foo above deck,                                        
Where covered with DRECK,                                   
One's life, no doubt, goes undeterred.                      
                                                            
72355 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Companies are touting Direct Dial                           
As calling tool for needs erectile.                         
Though pictures obscene,                                    
Pornographic scene,                                         
Might better be called only DRECK Dial.                     
                                                            
72356 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In the womb even when we're pre-natal,                      
Our future is set, like the DREIDEL.                        
We each get one spin                                        
But once we begin,                                          
We know the results will be fatal.                          
                                                            
72357 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The DREIDEL, a four-sided top,                              
Is the tool for fate-playing hop.                           
Much like spinning bottles,                                 
It teeters and tottles,                                     
Till by chance it falls there, kerplop.                     
                                                            
72358 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A statement of fact you may quote,                          
That with cough, I usually vote,                            
In manner unfickle,                                         
To treat sore and tickle,                                   
with DEMULCENT lozenge for throat.                          
                                                            
72359 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Spotted, piebald, chestnut, and bay are                     
Charming names for horse, howe'er                           
Dull name is DUN                                            
Takes all the fun                                           
From working out what color hair.                           
                                                            
72360 WORDS - DEFINED                Nancy                    



A debauched you man on the run,                             
Screwed everything under the sun.                           
When married one day,                                       
Just up, ran away.                                          
Mad wife, cooked him, overDUN.                              
                                                            
72361 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Tanned to extreme is color DUN,                             
Which skin Docs caution everyone:                           
Full in the sun burn,                                       
You're done to a turn;                                      
In time you're sure to be undone.                           
                                                            
72362 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With fishing lure call the BlueDUN                          
Poor trout doesn't have much fun.                           
With just one small bite,                                   
Time for fight and flight --                                
He'd much rather just bask in the sun.                      
                                                            
72363 WORDS - DEFINED                Sue                      



This could be our lucky day, Grace,                         
For I've staked all our cash on this race.                  
I'll make you my spouse,                                    
And buy a big house,                                        
When the DUN horse comes off in first place.                
                                                            
72364 WORDS - DEFINED                Townmouse                



I fear you must brace yourself, Muller,                     
For our future will likely be duller.                       
It isn't our DUN                                            
Which appears to have won --                                
It's a horse of a different color.                          
                                                            
72365 WORDS - DEFINED                Townmouse                



DUNDREARIES, much hair on the face,                         
As seen in past times, other place,                         
Made Elvis seem clean,                                      
As well as Judge Bean,                                      
Put General Burnside in his place.                          
                                                            
72366 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sideburns far down the jaw, DUNDREARIES,                    
These days would garner many queries,                       
For such mutton chops                                       
May be seen on cops                                         
In some off-the-wall TV series.                             
                                                            
72367 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



DUNKIRK's emergency extrication                             
Relieved a rather dire situation.                           
The saving of troops                                        
By fishers and sloops,                                      
Stands tall in the mind of the nation.                      
                                                            
72368 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A cave-dwelling hermit would lurk,                          
Near where ladies passed by to work.                        
He'd flash with his frock,                                  
Provoking great shock,                                      
And exit quite a la DUNKIRK.                                
                                                            
72369 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



DUNKIRK evokes sadness and pride;                           
Emotions we have to abide.                                  
May there be no more                                        
Dunkirks as before,                                         
No matter the cause or the side.                            
                                                            
72370 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



When creditors come DUNNING,                                
They try to be clever and cunning.                          
But to every disguise,                                      
Poor debtors are wise --                                    
And very soon off and running.                              
                                                            
72371 WORDS - DEFINED                Sue                      



In Law it's considered felicitious,                         
To speak in a manner DUPLICITIOUS.                          
If we couldn't lie,                                         
We'd never get by;                                          
In prison you'd all have to visit us.                       
                                                            
72372 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Many a DUPLICITOUS scheme                                   
Just starts off as a lover's dream                          
To make some money,                                         
So he can take honey                                        
For more that just soft ice cream.                          
                                                            
72373 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Pointed deception, DUPLICITOUS,                             
As some marketeers solicit us,                              
Is the practice sort                                        
Which ought to be tort                                      
For those lawyers so solicitous.                            
                                                            
72374 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When all the hamburger's become wurst,                      
The sausage will demand that my thirst                      
Be quenched by some beer,                                   
From wenches so dear,                                       
And daring to do all they durst.                            
                                                            
72375 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Going DUTCH, means having to share                          
The cost in a way that seems fair.                          
Though when on a date,                                      
You don't get to mate,                                      
And must to your own means repair.                          
                                                            
72376 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With diaphragm rather than pill,                            
Susanna surrendered to Will.                                
With this, inasmuch,                                        
She thought she'd gone dutch,                               
But he just meant splitting the bill.                       
                                                            
72377 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



My old girlfriend would never go DUTCH.                     
She was stuffy and didn't care much                         
For a boy who'd not pay.                                    
She was oft heard to say,                                   
"You can look but you mustn't touch."                       
                                                            
72378 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



When young, I'd not date very much,                         
But never went dutch, not as such;                          
But If I would touch                                        
A gal very much,                                            
I'd get myself quickly in dutch.                            
                                                            
72379 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



You may not have known there was such                       
An thing as an auction called Dutch.                        
And if you don't see                                        
That backwards it be,                                       
You'll win but you'll sure pay too much.                    
                                                            
72380 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Northern Ireland with trepidation                           
Greets another step as a nation.                            
With hope eternal                                           
That lads infernal                                          
Won't keep trying for subjugation.                          
                                                            
72381 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Christianity from Jews arose                                
To emphasize God's grace for those                          
Who reflect the love                                        
As given above,                                             
For they will surely in peace repose.                       
                                                            
72382 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The roof overhang we call eaves,                            
If wide enough, you will find relieves                      
The wall-washing rain,                                      
But the mildew stain,                                       
So often the poor homeowner grieves.                        
                                                            
72383 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The purpose of my houses's EAVES                            
Is to clog up with many years leaves.                       
A nice place for nest                                       
Of a hornet pest,                                           
Who owns the whole place, it believes.                      
                                                            
72384 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



This story you'll think is absurd,                          
Like one that is told by small bird.                        
A large roof's outcropping                                  
May soon be eaves dropping,                                 
At least that's what I overheard.                           
                                                            
72385 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



EBULLIENT means bubbling with joy;                          
Nice, but too much can annoy.                               
Enough is OK,                                               
But bubble all day,                                         
They'll lithium, on you employ.                             
                                                            
72386 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Illegal aliens sure sprout                                  
Like ECDEMIC disease that's about,                          
While our INS creeps                                        
And the Bureau sleeps,                                      
Unable to find and throw out.                               
                                                            
72387 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ECDEMIC certainly depicts                                   
All those touristy traveling hicks,                         
Who look for Aurora                                         
Amd with anger will gore ya,                                
When you tell them, "In summer it's nix!"                   
                                                            
72388 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Hey!  They came just to see all the sights,                 
And it's your fault that those lights                       
Are not on display,                                         
During long summer day                                      
In Alaska. Ignorance reaches new heights!                   
                                                            
72389 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The shrew to soften, EDULCORATE,                            
May require some plans elaborate                            
To sweeten the sour,                                        
The demeanor dour,                                          
And tendency to expectorate.                                
                                                            
72390 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When merry maid contrives to mate him,                      
But later as wife, will berate him,                         
From history we learn;                                      
From wedded bliss yearn,                                    
Comes, if she'll EDULCORATE him.                            
                                                            
72391 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



EFFRONTERY decency checks,                                  
When our CEO all reasons vex.                               
Fellatio ain't                                              
Despite notions quaint,                                     
Equivalent to having sex!                                   
                                                            
72392 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



EFFRONTERY, shameless and bold                              
Is needed in leaders, I'm told.                             
The supression of shame                                     
Is the name of the game --                                  
They're all of them pressed from one mould.                 
                                                            
72393 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



So don't be affronted, you guys,                            
If your leaders are shameless, not wise.                    
Politics in your country                                    
Requires EFFRONTERY:                                        
The way to the top is through lies.                         
                                                            
72394 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



To make sure he'd not seem a dull gent,                     
In paintings an aura EFFULGENT                              
Surrounds those hallowed,                                   
As artists explode                                          
In bright excess self-indulgent.                            
                                                            
72395 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



EGREGIOUS, meaning horrid, flagrant,                        
Apt for foreign policy vagrant,                             
Who reacts ad hoc,                                          
With eyes on the clock,                                     
Leaving egg on face foully fragrant.                        
                                                            
72396 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Bombs under cruel NATO aegis,                               
For Bill, legacy prestigious,                               
To help us forget,                                          
How blue dress got wet,                                     
And moral lapses EGREGIOUS.                                 
                                                            
72397 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



We're mired in bad Balkan bog,                              
But if we'd our memories jog,                               
We'd see once again,                                        
The inflicted pain,                                         
Is just new case of "Wag the Dog!"                          
                                                            
72398 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As a teen-aged fountain clerk,                              
(I hate the term "soda jerk")                               
One of my tricks                                            
Was to yell "86"                                            
When the time came for me to quit work.                     
                                                            
72399 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The bartender may drunks EIGHTY-SIX,                        
Though latter may think it dirty tricks,                    
And sling a bottle                                          
At bartender's wattle;                                      
No thought to resulting cicatrix.                           
                                                            
72400 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To be EIGHTY-SEXED is all right,                            
For age to go into the night.                               
That's more than four-score,                                
And if we get more,                                         
We sure look a terrible sight.                              
                                                            
72401 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Poor smokers now get EIGHTY-SIXED,                          
Since the law says that cafes must nix                      
The lighting up butts,                                      
So nicotine nuts                                            
Must amble outside for their fix.                           
                                                            
72402 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He bartended paying for school,                             
Till state changed the who's at fault rule:                 
If customer's lit,                                          
The server gets hit.                                        
He EIGHTY-SIXED JOB; he's no fool.                          
                                                            
72403 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The pyramids, monuments grand!                              
Garbage dumps on the ohter hand,                            
Seen in EKISTICS,                                           
No need for mystics,                                        
Memorial sorely unplanned.                                  
                                                            
72404 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With chances for wealth, EL DORADO                          
Prompts many to act with bravado.                           
The get their cumeuppance                                   
Which is not worth tuppence,                                
Executioner for The Mikado.                                 
                                                            
72405 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



EL DORADO, for which many scheme,                           
Though worthy goal it may oft seem,                         
With wealth all around                                      
As conquistadors found,                                     
May only be some foolish pipe dream.                        
                                                            
72406 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Supported, ELEEMOSYNARY,                                    
Are church, abbey, and seminary,                            
Though often the most                                       
They get is the host                                        
For their efforts to keep in airy.                          
                                                            
72407 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ELEEMOSYNARY's a word,                                      
Whose use is a bit of absurd,                               
To keep us confused,                                        
But lawyers it's used,                                      
When charity's "party of third".                            
                                                            
72408 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He gazed at church relic triptychal,                        
Whose meaning was ELLIPTICAL,                               
Unable to see                                               
What symbols might be,                                      
Except to a medievalist cryptical.                          
                                                            
72409 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those ovide figures ELLIPTICAL                              
Presage messages quite mystical,                            
Though how Easter Bunny                                     
Got involved is funny,                                      
And perhaps apocalyptical.                                  
                                                            
72410 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I just bought a trainer elliptical.                         
Because of the fat rolls that are typical                   
Of any new mom,                                             
Who once was a bomb,                                        
But now might not pass a physical.                          
                                                            
72411 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



He wooed her with ELOQUENT pitch,                           
And later when groin began to itch,                         
Used more forceful terms                                    
'Cause she had some germs                                   
That came from resisitant drug, niche.                      
                                                            
72412 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An EMBONPOINT figure like pillow                            
Won't fly away quick when sails billow                      
And won't harm a thingy                                     
As do women springy,                                        
Those slender young wisps of the willow.                    
                                                            
72413 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There once was a fellow named Juan                          
Who only loved gals EMBONPOINT.                             
If you were slim                                            
You were not for him!                                       
Just the thought of a tryst made him yawn!                  
                                                            
72414 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



A senorita from San Juan,                                   
Was inclined to soft EMBONPOINT;                            
All flesh, nothing phoney,                                  
No prominence bony,                                         
To jab you while getting it on.                             
                                                            
72415 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Soft EMBONPOINT's much preferred form,                      
No concave depressions to gorm.  (daub with sticky matter)  
So when having sex                                          
A shape that's convex                                       
Makes it neater and nice to perform.                        
                                                            
72416 WORDS - DEFINED                Fran                     



EMBONPOINT with excessive poundage                          
Makes people look biggage and roundage.                     
Without diet care,                                          
It's unlikely or rare,                                      
He or she will live on to a sound age.                      
                                                            
72417 WORDS - DEFINED                Fran                     



EMINENCE GRISE, if you please,                              
Is the power behind what we sees.                           
As with Bush and Cheney                                     
Though I'm not complainy,                                   
Which guy has more college degrees?                         
                                                            
72418 WORDS - DEFINED                Peter Wilkins            



Osama does as he would please,                              
A sort of EMINENCE GRISE.                                   
Wrapped, it is said,                                        
In a nice diapered head,                                    
And flowing beard down to his knees.                        
                                                            
72419 WORDS - DEFINED                Cris Papa                



In politics, the EMINENCE GRISE                             
Has more power than boss, the big cheese.                   
He calls the shots                                          
And hatches the plots                                       
With far fewer people to please.                            
                                                            
72420 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The power that's behind the throne                          
By EMINENCE GRISE is well known.                            
When the coup comes with guns,                              
He flees, flies and runs                                    
When he knows that his cover is blown.                      
                                                            
72421 WORDS - DEFINED                Peter Wilkins            



Celestial heights EMPYREAL,                                 
Achieved majesty imperial.                                  
These won't come to pass                                    
If you release gas,                                         
From eating way too much cereal.                            
                                                            
72422 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



He soared towards EMPYREAL heights,                         
With Wifie on Saturday nights,                              
When instead of hopin',                                     
He found she was open                                       
To what he thought was his by rights.                       
                                                            
72423 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lavishing praise, ENCOMIUM,                                 
When all about's pandemonium,                               
Itself is worthy                                            
Of praise quite earthy                                      
And prizes plated with chromium.                            
                                                            
72424 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Comes that state of love that we're in,                     
Which helps our old world take its spin.                    
From hormones ENDOGENOUS                                    
Brings feelings erogenous                                   
At place that's three spans from the chin.                  
                                                            
72425 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ENDOGENOUS drives from within                               
We reject, since they may lead to sin.                      
These restraints, exogenous,                                
Tend to lodge in us,                                        
Causing thoughts of what might have been.                   
                                                            
72426 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Ernie would ENERVATE Edie,                                  
Revealing some perversions seedy,                           
That they might indulge                                     
'Cept for her pregnant bulge,                               
Left him in satyr's state needy.                            
                                                            
72427 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He oft became ENERVATED                                     
Before his desire was sated.                                
Says Doc, "Here' blue pill,                                 
So go get your fill."                                       
His nights are now triple X-rated.                          
                                                            
72428 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



There nothing to me that's feebler                          
Than an aging ENFANT TERRIBLE,                              
Like this nut, Le Pen,                                      
Who gets jollies when                                       
He makes Frenchmen shout, "Horrible!"                       
                                                            
72429 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



An ENFANT TERRIBLE I knew                                   
Conversed in a manner quite blue;                           
Four letter words used,                                     
His listeners bruised,                                      
Till into a bishop he grew.                                 
                                                            
72430 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When mitered, it was a known fact                           
He had to quick clean up his act.                           
In good ways he'd march;                                    
Now bishop is ARCH,                                         
And noted for smooth tongue and tact.                       
                                                            
72431 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Both Clintons are quite ENGAGE,                             
Each in a particular way.                                   
The lady seeks power,                                       
While Bill will deflower                                    
Intern lasses that come his way.                            
                                                            
72432 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As lies of our pols rage unchecked,                         
The public's good trust is sure wrecked.                    
Such conformity                                             
Sees ENORMITY                                               
Of moral decay, I suspect.                                  
                                                            
72433 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Monstrous misuse of ENORMITY                                
Is a great huge nonconformity;                              
An evil humongous,                                          
Like some northern fungus;                                  
Its use is but an abnormity.                                
                                                            
72434 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A Siren, by nature, of course'll                            
Do everything she can to ensorcell                          
The unwary sailor,                                          
Who thinks he can nail her,                                 
And forgets to trim his foresail.                           
                                                            
72435 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Enchanting ways witches ENSORCELL                           
Involve wines and sometimes a morsel                        
Of sweetmeats, perhaps,                                     
To bring willing chaps                                      
Into games, both ventral and dorsal.                        
                                                            
72436 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Ann' Nicole ENSORCELLED old geezer,                         
Who paid much for just chance to squeeze her.               
She didn't get all,                                         
So settlement small,                                        
While much, seems to displease her.                         
                                                            
72437 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bedwetting, the poor parents' bane,                         
Can drive the wet kids near insane.                         
Urine release is                                            
Called ENURESIS,                                            
Causing psychosocial drain.                                 
                                                            
72438 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To the lady with bed-wetting nieces,                        
Said the doctor, "They have ENURESIS."                      
Suggested Nurse Chandler,                                   
A Texas pan-handler,                                        
"Just tape on the bedpans 'til it ceases!"                  
                                                            
72439 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



Urinary leaks, ENURESIS,                                    
Are involuntary releases                                    
During nighttime dreams                                     
Or day's stressful themes,                                  
Surely a painful anamnesis.  (reminiscence)                 
                                                            
72440 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Now here is a word that I know                              
As a nurse, I'm afraid it is so!                            
With diapers pulled tight                                   
All day...not just night;                                   
ENURESIS really tells "tail" of woe!                        
                                                            
72441 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



So here's to the dry underwear!                             
With three cheers for the graying of hair!                  
Just make several stops;                                    
A rule that is tops,                                        
And keep rubber pad on the chair!                           
                                                            
72442 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Abusive cursing with INVECTIVE                              
Is a behavior quite infective.                              
And will elicit                                             
Gestures explicit,                                          
Suggesting the Hades directive.                             
                                                            
72443 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Injecting poison, ENVENOM,                                  
As does snake through a cowboy's denim,                     
Leaves one embittered                                       
At the transmitter                                          
And likely to take action agin'em.                          
                                                            
72444 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Do not let yourself get hyper,                              
Stomp on the head of that viper,                            
Beware of the dance                                         
In vulnerable pants --                                      
Walk away -- be just a griper.                              
                                                            
72445 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ENVENOMING has fatal goal,                                  
Poisoner plays vital role,                                  
In history's pages,                                         
Of Middle Ages,                                             
Tactic L. Borgia'd extol.                                   
                                                            
72446 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Added syllable, EPENTHESIS,                                 
Arises (here in parenthesis)                                
When uncaring rubes,                                        
Those squares in the cubes,                                 
Can't take two-consonant synthesis.                         
                                                            
72447 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



EPENTHESIS, colorful speech,                                
Just out of intelligence's reach.                           
From Kalikak's learned,                                     
The tribal badge earned,                                    
Collection of imbeciles each.                               
                                                            
72448 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Why let amuddlement effect us;                              
Flustration need not perplex us;                            
We'll just go with the flow                                 
And let our brains grow                                     
Into becoming much more ambidexterous.                      
                                                            
72449 WORDS - DEFINED                Luana Nemaste            



It does leave a bad taste, metallic,                        
Emphasized, in large print italic,                          
And no idle boast,                                          
EPHERMERAL most,                                            
Is thing called "Gratitude Gallic."                         
                                                            
72450 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Mayfly's life is EPHEMERAL,                             
Lasting but a day in general,                               
With new wings to flex                                      
In searching out sex,                                       
Before reaching tends condemneral.                          
                                                            
72451 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Two astronauts out on a date,                               
The pair were getting on great.                             
"Same thing tomorrow?"                                      
She answered with sorrow,                                   
"EPHEMERIS shows time to wait."                             
                                                            
72452 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Value of star charts EPHEMERIS                              
Has become as waste pile euphemous;                         
There's no refuting                                         
GPS routing,                                                
Makes tables rather ephemerous.                             
                                                            
72453 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



EPICENE just sounds very fitting                            
Of someone between sexes flitting,                          
Like the talent which                                       
Enables a switch                                            
To pee, whether standing or sitting.                        
                                                            
72454 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



EPICUREAN life's not for all,                               
For those who heed hedonist call,                           
Enjoy pleasure's brevity,                                   
But their longevity                                         
Waits on heart artery's wall.                               
                                                            
72455 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Henny Youngman was the champion                             
EPIGRAM contest by far won,                                 
With his one-liners                                         
Told wine and diners,                                       
And on the boob tube just for fun.                          
                                                            
72456 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



A fellow who'd EPIGRAMS pass,                               
Felt he was at the top of his class.                        
But most people thought                                     
Such slick glibness brought                                 
Him title of "Mr Smart Ass".                                
                                                            
72457 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Adage inscribed in stone, EPIGRAPH,                         
Need not always be an epitaph,                              
But when the old crones                                     
Can't move their old stones,                                
It may be time for the cenotaph.                            
                                                            
72458 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



EPIGRAPHS impress the lasses;                               
Some even startle the masses.                               
The writers I find,                                         
Somewhere in my mind,                                       
As a smarmy bunch of smart-asses.                           
                                                            
72459 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When you've bright idea, if any,                            
You'll call it your EPIPHANY.                               
It sometimes is best                                        
To keep close to your chest,                                
Avoiding a ruckus or tiff, any.                             
                                                            
72460 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Repeated end phrase, EPISTROPHE,                            
And its fore-sister anastrophe,                             
When used together                                          
May be sweet heather,                                       
But more often yield catastrophe.                           
                                                            
72461 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I tried to include some EPISTROPHE                          
Within this short verse but it is for me                    
A difficult rhyme                                           
Anaphora very short time,                                   
I suffered severe mental dystrophy.                         
                                                            
72462 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Mike Cope sent one good for a laugh;                        
He proposed "Slick Bill's EPITAPH.                          
Said his tomb should say                                    
In most playaful way,                                       
"He comforted rod in his staff!"                            
                                                            
72463 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Character's final words: EPITAPH,                           
As Orson Welles' 'Enjoyed a carafe,'                        
Are found over graves                                       
Of our honored braves,                                      
Heroes who culled wheat from the chaff.                     
                                                            
72464 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Our medical skills make us brag,                            
When we cure some equestrian's nag.                         
But we breed better germs                                   
In our biotech firms;                                       
That new epizootic's a drag.                                
                                                            
72465 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



An epizootic disease                                        
Has made the cows weak in the knees.                        
When it comes to my dinner,                                 
I'll stick with a winner;                                   
And tofu's my choice, if you please.                        
                                                            
72466 WORDS - DEFINED                Terry Casale             



Epizootic diseases, I am told,                              
Bring grave danger to those in the fold.                    
Bearing hoof, horn, or wings,                               
It doesn't care that it brings                              
The chance of not growing old.                              
                                                            
72467 WORDS - DEFINED                Susan Hawes              



My koi have come down with the flu;                         
The goldfish are all turning blue.                          
Is it epizootic?                                            
Or chaotic biotic?                                          
Please tell me -- I sure wish I knew.                       
                                                            
72468 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



Fast-spreading ill, EPIZOOTIC,                              
Makes critturs sick, maybe neurotic,                        
Which makes pet owners                                      
Pull some strange boners,                                   
Like wide use of antibiotics.                               
                                                            
72469 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Young Richard, though clearly a hick,                       
Must be well-yclept for a trick.                            
For girls stand in line                                     
With him to entwine                                         
Upon his EPONYMOUS dick.                                    
                                                            
72470 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



When Sally puts her name on the door,                       
That's something by which I set store.                      
I prefer restaurants EPONYMOUS                              
To those anonymous.                                         
I'll not eat in "Salads Galore."                            
                                                            
72471 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



To facilitate beautification,                               
We should exercise hard EPURATION.                          
So, clear the House and the air,                            
Outlaw sprawl and the blare,                                
And bring an end to Californication.                        
                                                            
72472 WORDS - DEFINED                Kim                      



EQUITANT love play is "in",                                 
And though once considered a sin,                           
Even the missionary                                         
Has learned to vary                                         
Ways that might make your head spin.                        
                                                            
72473 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It took not an ERG of intelligence,                         
The first job I had that gave recompense.                   
I, proud as can be,                                         
That someone paid me,                                       
Knew the value of work ever thence.                         
                                                            
72474 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



On days when I feel quite bonhomic,                         
And everything's bright and most comic,                     
I muse that a chap                                          
May offer his lap                                           
To lady, as seat ERGONOMIC.                                 
                                                            
72475 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An ERISTIC couple I knew,                                   
Always there when an argument flew,                         
Intent on point scoring,                                    
Erotics ignoring,                                           
Are now seeking each, partners new.                         
                                                            
72476 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ERISTIC I can become,                                       
Encountering politicos dumb,                                
Who with diatribe,                                          
Try to proscribe                                            
And hope that I will then succumb!                          
                                                            
72477 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



"ERSTWHILE" has a poetic feel,                              
While "WHILOM" is too big a deal.                           
Guess 'FORMER''s okay                                       
In a common way,                                            
But not if you'd sound like big wheel.                      
                                                            
72478 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though micturition duels are best,                          
When you lads compete for the jest.                         
The challenge I'd rate,                                     
To out-ERUCTATE,                                            
Decidedly puerile contest.                                  
                                                            
72479 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My mate and I quickly withdrew                              
From a bilious church-going shrew                           
Who ERUCTATED,                                              
Then rudely stated,                                         
"You people have sat in my pew!"                            
                                                            
72480 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



ERUCTATES and flatulent ways                                
Are very much part of my days!                              
I chart notes with glee,                                    
Just glad it's not me,                                      
But reminded that youth is a phase.                         
                                                            
72481 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



The belcher's hymns of ERUCTATION                           
Have no peers from insufflation.                            
Unless it's that part                                       
That delivers the fart,                                     
In equally rude lamentation.                                
                                                            
72482 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I once knew an ERUDITE elf,                                 
Who'd read every book on the shelf.                         
So smart, in the end,                                       
He had nary a friend,                                       
Though he sure was full of himself.                         
                                                            
72483 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Her soft, inviting rump bent;                               
Urgings of coming hump sent.                                
And could scarcely contain                                  
The warm tug and strain                                     
Felt in his phallus ERUMPENT.                               
                                                            
72484 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Spring daffodils trumpet ERUMPENT,                          
A robust releasing of drum pent                             
Up by winter's roil                                         
Of wind-frozen soil,                                        
Till we see those jonquils so pungent.                      
                                                            
72485 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If hoarding of riches you care,                             
Be certain to provide an heir.                              
Or else you'll be beat                                      
By the state's ESCHEAT;                                     
They'll swoop in and take all the share.                    
                                                            
72486 WORDS - DEFINED                Peter Wilkins            



I'm sure that it can be a feat                              
To forestall a statehood's escheat,                         
By making a will.                                           
However the bill                                            
Will leave you just white as a sheet.                       
                                                            
72487 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



If you're eighty and would not be dissed,                   
ESCHEW confusion, on this insist:                           
When ladies lie down,                                       
Don't stand there and frown,                                
Always refer to your little list.                           
                                                            
72488 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though they might not ever ESCHEW,                          
The chasing of girls, quite a few,                          
Those guys in their eightys,                                
When catchin' their Katies,                                 
May not recall what they're to do.                          
                                                            
72489 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The avoidance habit does ESCHEW,                            
But it's not easy -- we know it's true.                     
When color's needed                                         
And brown is ceded,                                         
The stuff hits the fan and then you.                        
                                                            
72490 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though vulgarity I generally ESCHEW,                        
Occasionally my verse does turn blue.                       
There are times, I submit,                                  
When a word like "shit"                                     
Just fills the rhyme and adds color, too.                   
                                                            
72491 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Synthetic forces ESEMPLASTIC                                
Oft change our thinking in ways drastic,                    
As perhaps a word                                           
Is not quite what's heard;                                  
Delicious turns paronomastic.                               
                                                            
72492 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I know an old limericist spastic,                           
Who thinks that all sex is fantastic.                       
And will in most times                                      
Insert into rhymes                                          
This theme in a way ESEMPLASTIC.                            
                                                            
72493 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With girls ESEMPLASTIC each night                           
To take masochistic delight,                                
The Marquis de Sade                                         
Stayed hard and en garde,                                   
Excited by sight of their plight.                           
                                                            
72494 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick Lanyon              



All along the greening ESPLANADE,                           
To the pretty young ladies he'd nod                         
And think in his head                                       
About antics in bed;                                        
Little wonder his pants fit so odd!                         
                                                            
72495 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl                   



The soldiers were beseiged in their fort,                   
And stocks of food were growing short.                      
So they sent a fusilade                                     
Across the ESPLANADE,                                       
Forcing the beseigers to abort.                             
                                                            
72496 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



In Boston there is ESPLANADE                                
Along the Charles river to trod.                            
Get cold beer for sips,                                     
Enjoy fish and chips,                                       
But know that the former is scrod.                          
                                                            
72497 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some folks haven't heard of that food                       
And think that the word does allude,                        
In a tired sense,                                           
To sex act's past tense,                                    
As after a couple has screwed.                              
                                                            
72498 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A zealout ESPOUSES a cause,                                 
About which he boringly jaws,                               
But a spouse just espouses                                  
A spouse (skirt or trousers,)                               
Along with the dreaded in-laws.                             
                                                            
72499 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Sweet marriage, young man would ESPOUSE,                    
When beautiful maid would arouse.                           
He'd sample the wares,                                      
Then free from all cares,                                   
Quickly denounce all his vows.                              
                                                            
72500 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The ESTIVAL season now wanes,                               
And with it mosquito bite pains.                            
I leave it with shrugs                                      
And all of its bugs,                                        
As lawn greens with most welcome rains.                     
                                                            
72501 WORDS - DEFINED                Dr Limerick              



Brackish waters of the ESTUARY                              
Are home to bittern solitary,                               
But he's seldom seen                                        
Amid rushes green,                                          
Because that heron is too wary.                             
                                                            
72502 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ESTUARY, far arm of the sea,                                
Into right where the river should be,                       
Life interesting makes,                                     
But sadly it takes                                          
Some potable water from me.                                 
                                                            
72503 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A factoid most certainly strange,                           
Of how human minds can derange.                             
It seems that for some,                                     
ETERNITY's come,                                            
While waiting for red light to change.                      
                                                            
72504 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There was an ETHEREAL dancer                                
Who was nether a stomper nor prancer.                       
Her step was so light                                       
That she seemed to take flight --                           
Which she did, from every romancer.                         
                                                            
72505 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Bad boy, who left food on his plate                         
Was doomed to a hidious fate:                               
With cane was behinded,                                     
Of China reminded,                                          
And good health would ETIOLATE.                             
                                                            
72506 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Make pale and feeble, ETIOLATE,                             
Does have effects that accumulate,                          
Resulting in sire                                           
With a future dire,                                         
For lack of a son does emasculate.                          
                                                            
72507 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When that innocent grin on your guy                         
EVINCES some sin, never try                                 
By interrogation                                            
To vent your frustration,                                   
And whatever you do, don't ask "Why?".                      
                                                            
72508 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



If alcohol breath makes you wince,                          
And can't quite be covered by mints,                        
The one with the load                                       
Should stay off the road,                                   
Since smellable guilt will EVINCE.                          
                                                            
72509 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Although things gold we EXALT,                              
Even those liquids from the malt.                           
All glitterers are gilt,                                    
As pearls 'fore swine spilt,                                
The big boar may sometimes be gelt.                         
                                                            
72510 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Those fellows on to wife whacking,                          
Have cerebral good sense lacking.                           
They're either insane,                                      
Or in place of a brain,                                     
Have shavings and EXCELSIOR packing.                        
                                                            
72511 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An EXCEREBROSE executive,                                   
Said to himself, "That's the way to live,                   
With wives quite a few,                                     
Was to regularly screw                                      
Each, no matter what else you give."                        
                                                            
72512 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Today's perps their merry ways wend,                        
When in juries they find a friend                           
To sell "victim" story                                      
EXCULPATORY;                                                
They're never to blame in the end.                          
                                                            
72513 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"No conversion EXCURSION for me,                            
I've immersion aversion," said he.                          
"It scares me to think                                      
That face in the drink,                                     
Quite suddenly permanent may be."                           
                                                            
72514 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



His wife remarked, with bitter smile,                       
A smart broad but without much guile,                       
"I'd go in a flash                                          
To where the waves crash,                                   
Since I haven't got wet in a while."                        
                                                            
72515 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Immersion aversion baptismal                                
Made his life exceedingly dismal.                           
His soul, his concern,                                      
Wife did a slow burn;                                       
Vacations together abysmal.                                 
                                                            
72516 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



She for affection appealed.                                 
His sick heart against her steeled.                         
With toe in the sea,                                        
She thought tenuously,                                      
"It's time to start playing the field."                     
                                                            
72517 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



'Tis too bad the disgruntled bride                          
Looked for some stuff on the side.                          
Once toe's in the sea,                                      
Where shark's roaming free,                                 
Collect and then it's "woe be tide."                        
                                                            
72518 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When run out of town on EXCURSION,                          
'Cause the bride discovered subversion,                     
Old Clem was inclined                                       
To ladies reclined,                                         
As easier prey for incursion.                               
                                                            
72519 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



EXECRABLE deeds do I see,                                   
Right here in The Land Of The Free,                         
And most of my gripes                                       
Deal with legal types,                                      
All crooked, as crooked can be.                             
                                                            
72520 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Without sex to EXHILARATE,                                  
Mankind would be in a sad state.                            
But the work is nice,                                       
When leavened with spice,                                   
And along the way, to procreate.                            
                                                            
72521 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As Bill's affairs proliferated                              
And marriage vows were obliterated,                         
His relations with Rodham                                   
Pretty much hit bottom,                                     
And now he lives ex-Hillary-ated.                           
                                                            
72522 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The EXIGUOUS dress that she wore,                           
As she slithered across the dance floor,                    
Appeared rather short                                       
And caused guys to snort                                    
And respond with a roar, "Show us more!"                    
                                                            
72523 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



There once was a royal randy Rex,                           
Who dreamt of EXIMIOUS sex.                                 
His forty wives, fakes,                                     
Had constant headaches.                                     
He'll wed few score more, one suspects.                     
                                                            
72524 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Excellent things are EXIMIOUS.                              
Wholly unknown to abstemious.                               
Old men so stingy                                           
That they lead dingy                                        
Existences ignominious.                                     
                                                            
72525 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Exonym example?  My home                                    
Is the 49th State, include Nome.                            
It's called Alaska,                                         
So now I will ask ya                                        
To visit our great land.  Come roam!                        
                                                            
72526 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



With enthusiastic booster like you,                         
It would seem a nice thing to do,                           
Except for the drizzlies,                                   
The moose and the grizzlies,                                
And mosquito giants that like to chew.                      
                                                            
72527 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Helvitia is home to the Swiss.                              
Say "Sverige" and a Swede's in bliss.                       
Say "Nederland" to the Dutch;                               
It's not asking much.                                       
Using EXONYMS won't earn you a kiss.                        
                                                            
72528 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



There are those with much on their plate,                   
Who still our fair country berate.                          
Good lesson to teach                                        
Those spoiling our beach;                                   
Allow each to expatiate.                                    
                                                            
72529 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Expounding at length, EXPATIATE,                            
Pundits our senses do satiate.                              
If analyses                                                 
Contain fallacies,                                          
It's their attempt to ingratiate.                           
                                                            
72530 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A gentleman tipsy and tight,                                
On prowl on a wild weekend night,                           
Plied lady with gin,                                        
In hopes he would win                                       
Her love, or some sex EXPEDITE.                             
                                                            
72531 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Atoning for misdeeds, EXPIATE,                              
We cannot fully escape our fate,                            
For it's only grace                                         
Will find heaven's space                                    
And sin's consequence obliterate.                           
                                                            
72532 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My wife oft starts dinner late,                             
A sin she'll EXPIATE                                        
By rushing the cooking,                                     
And when I'm not looking,                                   
She puts half-raw food on my plate.                         
                                                            
72533 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Off the cuff, EXTEMPORANEOUS                                
Remarks meant to be spontaneous,                            
Do need some forethought,                                   
Or a biting quick shot                                      
Could mean a nose loss cutaneous.                           
                                                            
72534 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An EXTEMPORANEOUS wit                                       
Thought that he would be a great hit                        
With insult and jibe;                                       
Now you could describe                                      
That his face has a nose that won't fit.                    
                                                            
72535 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Surely it's plain for all that will see                     
That limericks are just thoughts which we,                  
As writers of rhyme,                                        
Compose every time                                          
Rather EXTEMPORANEOUSLY.                                    
                                                            
72536 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



In the Senate, there isn't surprise,                        
Where pols like to EXTEMPORIZE.                             
That much of their speech                                   
Has nothing to teach;                                       
Content neither clever nor wise.                            
                                                            
72537 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If state must felon EXTRADITE,                              
They shouldn't resist in mere spite,                        
But gladly be rid                                           
Of recividid,                                               
Offense repeating troglodyte.                               
                                                            
72538 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A criminal sent on his way,                                 
To where juisdiction will play,                             
The felon benighted,                                        
When EXTRADITED,                                            
Sorrowfully went on to say:                                 
                                                            
72539 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"No longer am I running free;                               
How could this happen to me?                                
I'd rather prefer                                           
To bypass the 'stir';                                       
Even Philly is OK for me."                                  
                                                            
72540 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Phillipine EXTRADITION tracks on,                           
Case which decided its facts on                             
Massive hoard shady,                                        
Acquired by lady,                                           
Taken from Shoeless Joe Jackson.                            
                                                            
72541 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



What's EXTRINSIC's not inherent,                            
But probably not transparent.                               
Like mess on a dress                                        
From lack of finess;                                        
Its arrival there was errant.                               
                                                            
72542 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



EXTRINSIC means, comes from outside,                        
Like stain on a dress you might hide.                       
The spiller we'll catch,                                    
By DNA match,                                               
To guilty one then, "Woe betide!"                           
                                                            
72543 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Jocular verses, FACETIOUS,                                  
As apologia are specious.                                   
Yeasty with leaven,                                         
Smell to high heaven,                                       
Have about them an odor feceous.                            
                                                            
72544 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A fine funny fellow named Fred                              
FACETIOUS to full, it was said.                             
Got laughs from tales tall,                                 
And though gals would fall                                  
With laughter, none fell to his bed.                        
                                                            
72545 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Oh poor tyro, FACETIOUS Fred,                               
All alone in your comfy bed.                                
With wit don't dicker,                                      
Find out what's quicker,                                    
Barley spirits or white wine or red.                        
                                                            
72546 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



FACINOROUS folks do bad deeds;                              
I think that they come from bad seeds!                      
They do good folks in                                       
With unoriginal sin.                                        
I'm sure Hell will well suit their needs!                   
                                                            
72547 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Said Mr Hatfield to the McCoys,                             
"Keep your hands off our little boys.                       
Any acts FACINOROUS                                         
Performed on our kin or us                                  
Will be met with more than just noise."                     
                                                            
72548 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A phoney with FACTITIOUS mien,                              
Posed as a rather rich bein'.                               
But had little cash                                         
In bank account stash,                                      
And was, in reality, peon.                                  
                                                            
72549 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Please lose that phony crabmeat, FACTITIOUS,                
That the Japanese think is delicious.                       
You can have my share                                       
Of this ersatz fare.                                        
I'll stick to dishes made with real fishes.                 
                                                            
72550 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Too bad that our pols can't avoid                           
News speak in the form of FACTOID.                          
Their biased b old lies                                     
Of enormous size,                                           
Leave me a great deal annoyed.                              
                                                            
72551 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a faker FACTOTUM,                            
With large family jewels in his scrotum.                    
A "Jack of All Trades".                                     
Work done with "D" grades,                                  
Now wears convict's stripes to denote him.                  
                                                            
72552 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



FAINEANT Fred, Folly's friend,                              
He watched others until work's end.                         
And never pulled his load,                                  
Shared DNA code;                                            
His many kids on welfare fend.                              
                                                            
72553 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If FAINEANT means someone idle,                             
Please nominate me for this title.                          
I always will shirk                                         
All types of housework,                                     
'Cause if I don't do it, my bride'll.                       
                                                            
72554 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The FAINEANT is an idler,                                   
A work avoider and sidler,                                  
Whose natural course                                        
Is behind the horse                                         
And not out in front with the bridler.                      
                                                            
72555 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I fear for my FAINEANT friend,                              
Who asks that I some money lend.                            
But I'm not big hearted                                     
And from cash not parted.                                   
She'll just have to work in the end.                        
                                                            
72556 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Yes, she can earn much on her back;                         
Get paid for a roll in the sack.                            
Although, "best plans laid",                                
The quick-aging maid,                                       
Will yeild to Time's dreary attack.                         
                                                            
72557 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Perhaps she'll find a gent to marry;                        
A soft-spoken Johnny or Harry.                              
Who'll think her his queen,                                 
Not what she had been,                                      
And love her when she is contrary.                          
                                                            
72558 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lbs leading series, FALLACIOUS,                             
Itself is rather mendacious,                                
Calling, as it does,                                        
On sophomoric fuzz                                          
Of sounds in sense contumacious.                            
                                                            
72559 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The empty boasting of FANFARONADE                           
We can hope is nothing but charade.                         
Braggadocio                                                 
Tastes like, don't you know,                                
An unsugared glass of lemonade.                             
                                                            
72560 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Flirting with FANFARONADE,                                  
Fred never got far with fair maid.                          
For, though he might bluster,                               
His loving, lackluster,                                     
Was weaker than boasts he displayed.                        
                                                            
72561 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A New England cook in his yard                              
Proclaimed with FANFARONADE,                                
"As I broil my steak,                                       
Please note that I make                                     
The world's very best marinade!"                            
                                                            
72562 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



The excessive slang FANTABULOUS                             
Describes absolutely fabulous,                              
With adjectives singing                                     
Like little bell ringing,                                   
A chorus quite tintinabulous.                               
                                                            
72563 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Bindles which the hoboes haul,                              
May carry a load very small;                                
A FARDEL of clothes,                                        
And not much of those,                                      
When heeding the "open road's" call.                        
                                                            
72564 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The confused mixture FARRAGINOUS                            
From some speakers oleaginous,                              
For English does pass,                                      
Then it gives me gas                                        
And slime feelings mucilaginous.                            
                                                            
72565 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Candidates, high mucky-mucks,                               
Whose fiaws are FARRAGINOUS flux                            
Of slogans and phrases,                                     
Uncorticate mazes,                                          
Which, on the whole, really sucks.                          
                                                            
72566 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The potpourri of FARRAGO                                    
Describes the cuisine at Spago,                             
As well as the folks                                        
Who stand and tell jokes                                    
At Second City Chicago.                                     
                                                            
72567 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There once was a lady named Margo,                          
Whose sex life was such a FARRAGO,                          
She couldn't tell what                                      
Was getting her hot,                                        
Right there in mid-winter Chicago.                          
                                                            
72568 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Spouse vowed he could not ascertain                         
The worth of a thought in her brain.                        
Said, "Dear, do embargo,                                    
Your mind's dull FARRAGO."                                  
Divorce, half his pay, dulled her pain.                     
                                                            
72569 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



FARRAGO is quite a mixed dish,                              
As cod is to gefilte fish.                                  
Though Goyim pronounce it,                                  
The Tribe just denounce it                                  
And settle for plain old "gemisch."                         
                                                            
72570 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A FARRAGO is a great mixture                                
As the English language admixture,                          
Where all sorts of words                                    
Are stirred up like curds,                                  
Until some become an affixture.                             
                                                            
72571 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sorting through career choice farrago,                      
Trying to find out where I can grow,                        
I'll try some for size,                                     
And make a choice wise,                                     
And see just how far I can go!                              
                                                            
72572 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



Oh, to be a FARTLEK trainer,                                
Explaining to other folks saner,                            
"I help runner pass                                         
Each other, not gas;                                        
Though word truly sounds a "no brainer".                    
                                                            
72573 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



FARTLEK, a word that inspires                               
Bad puns, of which one soon tires.                          
"Here, pull my finger!"                                     
(He lets go a zinger.)                                      
Is this the level to which one aspires?                     
                                                            
72574 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The meticulous FASTIDIOUS                                   
Do present problems invidious,                              
For those who are sincere,                                  
Oft generating fear                                         
That we'll be taken as idiots.                              
                                                            
72575 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Freddie Fox, a FASTIDIOUS fool,                             
Would scrutinize gals from date pool.                       
Too thin or too fat,                                        
Too curvey, too flat.                                       
His palm does his poor love life rule.                      
                                                            
72576 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Limerick writers fall into two schools:                     
Those who don't and who do follow rules.                    
The "don'ts" tend to pity us                                
For being FASTIDIOUS                                        
And for emulating Fabrege's jewels.                         
                                                            
72577 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I found that a FASTUOUS friend,                             
With faults that were tough to amend,                       
Would hold his nose high,                                   
In haughty reply.                                           
Now he talks to himself, in the end.                        
                                                            
72578 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A fastuous swain I once knew                                
Tried in vain to pitch me some woo.                         
But I knew at a glance,                                     
It wasn't romance,                                          
Just conquest; then he'd be through.                        
                                                            
72579 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



I figured it not worth the chance                           
To let him un-zip his pants.                                
I'd rather be chaste,                                       
Than be loved in haste                                      
And risk my tummy's expanse.                                
                                                            
72580 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Cassandra, of prophecies dreaded,                           
Was to gross hyperbole wedded;                              
Her FATIDIC song                                            
Most often was wrong,                                       
And she was dismissed as "fat headed!"                      
                                                            
72581 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lord FAUNTELROY's a gentle child,                           
All of good temper, not wild.                               
But dress and demeanor                                      
Makes other boys meaner,                                    
Their actions debased and defiled.                          
                                                            
72582 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though FAUNTELROY sounds like a "siss",                     
That claim I am quick to dismiss.                           
He's a very tough guy,                                      
Did not even cry,                                           
While getting his trim at his bris.                         
                                                            
72583 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Fecalith, some seen as old stones,                          
Are RELICTS, much better than bones.                        
Smart scientists use                                        
To find menu whose                                          
Animals' foods were unknowns.                               
                                                            
72584 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A FECKLESS young fellow from France                         
Saw little in life that he'd chance;                        
He longed for no wife,                                      
And though jobs were rife,                                  
He slipped by on small welfare grants.                      
                                                            
72585 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I've no cellphone, no pager; I'm techless.                  
I drive slowly, so I'm also wreck-less.                     
Despite these good traits,                                  
The world me berates                                        
And accuses me of being FECKLESS.                           
                                                            
72586 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The problem for some young folk FECKLESS                    
Is that while they're speeding and reckless,                
They try to defy                                            
How physics laws fly,                                       
And end up with a windshield neckless.                      
                                                            
72587 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



FECKLESS for all that its worth,                            
Is "Nothing" that will give birth                           
To art that endures,                                        
Or literary lures;                                          
But sometimes gives way to mirth.                           
                                                            
72588 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



She had one set of triplets, then a second,                 
Clearly her womb was fecund.                                
It is no surprise                                           
That she averted her eyes,                                  
The next time her husband beckoned.                         
                                                            
72589 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I hope that you would, if you please,                       
Tell me what is a "felodese".                               
It just doesn't play                                        
In my head, the way                                         
Like those known-word old melodies.                         
(a crime which leads victim to commit suicide)              
72590 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bold Beowulf could recall when                              
In days, when men were real men,                            
So after mead bout,                                         
They loved to camp out                                      
Where they could just pee in the FEN.                       
                                                            
72591 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The marshlands that comprise the FEN,                       
Breed all kinds of wildlife and then                        
Development nuts                                            
Bring baseball and putts                                    
To Fenway, Meadowlands, and Penn.                           
                                                            
72592 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sally, a sweetie sure sensible,                             
Thought her love might be compensable.                      
So while barely a teen,                                     
Made a splash on the scene;                                 
Maidenhead no longer FENCIBLE.                              
                                                            
72593 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If defensible be FENCIBLE,                                  
Should it now be comprehensible                             
That building fences                                        
Surely condenses                                            
The safety of worlds ostensible.                            
                                                            
72594 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I have often thought I was mean,                            
To label Reddog's work obscene.                             
But if you insist,                                          
With elegant twist,                                         
I'll say that it's quite FESCENNINE.                        
                                                            
72595 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Licentious verses, FESCENNINE,                              
From some small locale Appenine,                            
Sound just like the sorts                                   
Of fine rhyming sports,                                     
Which could make them good friends of mine.                 
                                                            
72596 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



FETE CHAMPETRE artists would paint,                         
A guy and a gal in ways quaint.                             
The latter, undressed,                                      
The former, at best,                                        
Enjoying life without complaint.                            
                                                            
72597 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When FETIAL refers to new war,                              
Like fecal, it stinks to the core.                          
It is no improvemnt,                                        
But like a bowel movement,                                  
One should not have at the front door.                      
                                                            
72598 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The stench that accrues to a FETOR                          
Oft comes from habits of meat eater.                        
For sulfurous bonds                                         
Will not attract blondes,                                   
Who consider it like saltpeter.                             
                                                            
72599 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A reveling Mardi Gras cheater                               
On Wednesday still swilled from his litre.                  
"Sad fellow," I thunk;                                      
"He's still stinking drunk.                                 
At the end of each fete, there's a fetor."                  
                                                            
72600 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Anatomical FETOR "down South"                               
Is what we can't do much about.                             
But when there are few                                      
Who'll brushing eschew,                                     
They yield the same smog from their mouth.                  
                                                            
72601 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A play that is boring and bad'll                            
Be hard-on-the-tail FIDDLE-FADDLE.                          
Its agony tends                                             
To flatten our "ends";                                      
Feels like a long day in the saddle.                        
                                                            
72602 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The verbal highjack, FILIBUSTER,                            
Fills legislature with much bluster,                        
As those Congressional                                      
Pirates obsessional                                         
Kill public will with upthruster.                           
                                                            
72603 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Instead of this dumb FILIBUSTER,                            
His intentions might have passed muster,                    
If he hid them within                                       
A limerick on sin,                                          
With sly words that would surely enluster.                  
                                                            
72604 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



FIN DE SIECLE ends the century.                             
The last one led to indentury.                              
With far greater gaps                                       
'Twixt poor and rich chaps,                                 
Though latter now oft find censury.                         
                                                            
72605 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A Frenchman from far Saint Denis,                           
Unlike sane folks (that's you and me),                      
Oft dined on frogs' legs,                                   
Left no skinnier dregs,                                     
And burped as he shouted, "FINIS!"                          
                                                            
72606 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Yon Frenchman who shouted "FINIS!"                          
Ate frogs legs -- thigh, shin, and knee.                    
But hold all the phones,                                    
Did he also eat the bones?                                  
No Frog would consume such debris.                          
                                                            
72607 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



To possess a wide and deep FIRTH,                           
Where many large vessels may berth,                         
Enhances a land,                                            
'Tis real estate grand,                                     
Increasing locality's worth.                                
                                                            
72608 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Great headlands bound watery FIRTH,                         
Found in Scotland -- Norway's no dearth,                    
Connects to the sea                                         
For transport of tree                                       
To far off Australia's Perth.                               
                                                            
72609 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The Scots do often put forth FIRTH                          
As subject of bright gaelic mirth,                          
Amid dance frisky                                           
And glass of whiskey                                        
And arm about fair lady's girth.                            
                                                            
72610 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Small FISSURE is crab's anal verge,                         
Crustacean who's wont to submerge,                          
Needs watertight spot                                       
To discharge a lot,                                         
Or fill up till it must regurge.                            
                                                            
72611 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When Jesus called Peter to his side,                        
Creating philosophic divide,                                
It was watershed,                                           
Like parting Sea Red,                                       
A FISSURE of men we cannot hide.                            
                                                            
72612 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The press cognescenti attacked                              
A colleague, who in print had FLACKED                       
A soap of some kind,                                        
To wash his behind,                                         
Which was only seldom cleaned, in fact.                     
                                                            
72613 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The FLACKER whose tush isn't clean,                         
Can show just what needs to be seen;                        
He can demonstrate                                          
The soap is first rate,                                     
Improving his rear end hygiene.                             
                                                            
72614 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



9/11 crimes FLAGITIOUS,                                     
Calls for action against forces, pernicious.                
Though just our cause,                                      
We must apply our laws,                                     
To assure our response is judicious.                        
                                                            
72615 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Of FLAGITIOUS actions accused,                              
The bold youth seemed rather amused.                        
And in reply, curt,                                         
Said no one was hurt,                                       
If he chose to become self-abused.                          
                                                            
72616 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A hobo who lived the life vagrant,                          
Of infrequent bathing, was fragrant.                        
Then duly accused                                           
Of nostrils abused,                                         
And charged with bad B.O., FLAGRANT.                        
                                                            
72617 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With long-lens intrusive, the press                         
Has photographed oral caress                                
To nail-painted toe                                         
By swim-suited beau.                                        
FLAGRANTE delicto, Duchess!                                 
(Fergie scandal)                                            
72618 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



A beautiful girl, gorgeous migrant,                         
FLAGRANTLY parked by a hydrant.                             
She said, "Oh I'm lost.                                     
What's this ticket cost?"                                   
"It's free for a tourist so vibrant."                       
                                                            
72619 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



FLAVOR OF THE MONTH you will find                           
Are fads of the fast fading kind,                           
Which after acquired,                                       
Then quickly tired,                                         
Are lagging and soon left behind.                           
                                                            
72620 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



FLENSE, after all's done and said,                          
I keep getting from certain fat head,                       
He steadily regales                                         
About skinning whales,                                      
Rich diet of blubber we're fed.                             
                                                            
72621 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Thanksgiving homage payer                               
Owes much to FLETCHER, deer slayer,                         
Who does meat proffer,                                      
To match fruit coffer,                                      
In feast that's fit for the mayor.                          
(arrow maker)                                               
72622 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A horny young Christian named Fletcher                      
Was sent as a breadfruit fetcher.                           
Bounteous Bly said, "No dice."                              
So he put him on ice,                                       
And became the first Pitcairn lecher.                       
(arrow maker)                                               
72623 WORDS - DEFINED                Steve O                  



Young Cupid, of myth, was a FLETCHER,                       
Could turn any man to a lecher.                             
With darts of amore,                                        
He'd rack up a score,                                       
Of turgid bull rams, you betcher...!                        
(arrow maker)                                               
72624 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The arrowsmith is a FLETCHER,                               
Though when Natty was a retcher,                            
From poison abuzz,                                          
Friend Chingachgook was                                     
J. F Cooper's medicine fetcher.                             
(arrow maker)                                               
72625 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Choose any old dog breed you please,                        
From Doberman to Pekinese.                                  
When it come to a pet,                                      
Give me muzzle wet,                                         
'Cause I'd rather have FLEWS than fleas.                    
                                                            
72626 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



When upper lips droop as do FLEWS,                          
I think of Winston on the news;                             
With bulldog jowls                                          
And bullfrog howls                                          
And speaking in manifold hues.                              
                                                            
72627 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My fondness for dogs, I won't stop,                         
But certain breeds aren't near the top.                     
I'd just never choose                                       
Those with droopy FLEWS,                                    
The kind you must follow with mop.                          
                                                            
72628 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Collected writings, FLORILEGIUM,                            
Gathered by members of collegium,                           
Are meant to attest                                         
To fame of the best,                                        
In hope of Nobel prize Norwegium.                           
                                                            
72629 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The noun FLORILEGIUM tells                                  
Of writings collected o'er spells,                          
Word floribunda,                                            
Just makes me wonder                                        
However each collection smells.                             
                                                            
72630 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



FLORILEGIUM is a shelf full                                 
Of books, where you might a tome pull,                      
Except that TV,                                             
Where folks seem to be,                                     
Keeps them stupid, and that is no bull.                     
                                                            
72631 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Britishers famous for angling touch                         
On pronunciation arts and such,                             
Do cause me clenched teeth,                                 
But sword I ensheath,                                       
For fear of cry "Doth protest too much!"                    
                                                            
72632 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The beaches all over the world,                             
Have FLOTSAM of condoms unfurled,                           
And vials of used "crack",                                  
Used needles, a stack,                                      
And anything man-ape has hurled.                            
                                                            
72633 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our beaches all over the world,                             
Are ugly and sorrowfully spoiled                            
With FLOTSAM, like vials,                                   
Old needles in piles,                                       
And condoms, both use and tin-foiled.                       
                                                            
72634 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Floating debris is call FLOTSAM,                            
Unless it is you who has got some,                          
For then the measure                                        
Is sea-born treasure,                                       
Which jetsam inspires to jot some.                          
                                                            
72635 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The FLOTSAM asea, more and more,                            
Resembles a tawdry drug store:                              
Used condoms enough,                                        
Syringes and stuff                                          
That ends up defiling the shore.                            
                                                            
72636 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Avoiding the high entrance fee,                             
Lass watched from the branch of a tree.                     
She FLOUNCED on descent,                                    
And tight skirt was rent.                                   
Her legs a fine freebie to see.                             
                                                            
72637 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



With each juicy jiggle and FLOUNCE,                         
The buxom blonde's bosom would bounce;                      
Engaging the guys                                           
Who fixed widened eyes                                      
On her frame, all ready to pounce.                          
                                                            
72638 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Exaggerated bouncing of FLOUNCE                             
Expends great energy for each ounce.                        
So guys be forewarned,                                      
If you'd not be scorned,                                    
Or perhaps worse, find yourself trounced.                   
                                                            
72639 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Confusion arising as FLUMMOX                                
May come from what's put in the stomachs.                   
Do please take heed                                         
With what you would feed,                                   
Or else ingesters become hummocks.                          
                                                            
72640 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If you'd like relations enjoyable,                          
Ignore any friend's minor FOIBLE.                           
Don't try to mince words,                                   
And never cross swords;                                     
It could render you unemployable.                           
                                                            
72641 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



At a type of party called bawd-for-all,                     
Clothing's considered just FOLDEROL.                        
But thoughts of safe sex                                    
Cause many to vex                                           
And to party instead at a staider ball.                     
                                                            
72642 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Committees are okay, I guess,                               
But most are an untidy mess;                                
A squabbling cabal                                          
With much FOLDEROL                                          
And someone who just can't say "yes".                       
                                                            
72643 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Opposed as he is to FOLDEROL, he                            
Rejects anything that seems jolly.                          
He once had intercourse                                     
But was so fill with remorse,                               
That he sleeps with a nice rubber dolly.                    
                                                            
72644 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



FOMENT is rousing to action,                                
Most done by the "have nothing" faction.                    
With little to lose,                                        
It's easy to choose,                                        
But often a "fatal attraction".                             
                                                            
72645 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Fred, firebrand from Satan sent,                            
Would daily dissension FOMENT.                              
He'd head for the rallies                                   
With pretty press tallies,                                  
And find great fun in discontent.                           
                                                            
72646 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Inciting irritation, FOMENT,                                
In politics is of great moment,                             
For when all is ripe,                                       
No cap on the pipe                                          
Contains all the gas from the ferment.                      
                                                            
72647 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For words I am truly esurient;         (greedy)             
The desire is practically prurient.    (lustful)            
I'm acataleptic;                       (incomprehensible)   
I'm so epideitic;                      (showing off)        
All my friends think I'm abderiant     (foolish)            
                                                            
72648 WORDS - DEFINED                Karen                    



An amateur had brief FORAY                                  
In Gilbert and Sullivan play,                               
But didn't last long,                                       
Since couldn't sing song                                    
Or speak in intelligent way.                                
                                                            
72649 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He thought he'd FORFEND evil AIDS,                          
Avoiding rough sex with gay blades.                         
Or at least, he'd seek                                      
A Trojan or Sheik,                                          
Or better yet, return to maids.                             
                                                            
72650 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To prevent, protect aginst, FORFEND;                        
Otherwise keep from disastrous end.                         
Please pay attention                                        
To all intention                                            
Of those fools who would rules easily bend.                 
                                                            
72651 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



FORFEND, to ward off, prevent                               
Some kind of horrendous event,                              
Is for some, daily grind.                                   
It takes over their mind,                                   
And humor never makes a dent.                               
                                                            
72652 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Life is a series of choices,                                
We make each day, with our voices!                          
But once in a while,                                        
Chance makes us smile.                                      
FORTUITOUS!  Cause for rejoices!                            
                                                            
72653 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



It seem not merely FORTUITOUS                               
That nature in largess gratuitous,                          
Made the complex                                            
Gymnastics of sex                                           
The ultimate fun for just two of us.                        
                                                            
72654 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Norm who may femme fatales FOSSICK,                         
Cruises until he is car sick.                               
To find Village belle,                                      
Who'll kiss and not tell,                                   
But usually ends up in some bar, sick.                      
                                                            
72655 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Here's a tidbit 'twill knock off your socks!                
Barb FOSSICKS in Alaska for rocks.                          
If you go out with her,                                     
It's like having a burr                                     
Somewhere inside of your jocks.                             
                                                            
72656 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



She searches large spaces of ground;                        
Won't leave till a "goodie" is found.                       
Whether fossil or stone,                                    
She'l never go home,                                        
And carries them back by the pound.                         
                                                            
72657 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



As his hand ran over her mound, her                         
Wish was that he should pound her.                          
But his thoughts were elsewhere;                            
He parted her hair,                                         
And began immediately to founder.                           
                                                            
72658 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



The villain chased 'round, the bounder,                     
The pretty fair maid, he'd bounder.                         
All shrieks were for naught,                                
When finally caught,                                        
Seemed almost glad that she'd founder.                      
                                                            
72659 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



No matter what any folks claim,                             
Most of all of the pols are the same.                       
Their lying words spread;                                   
On garbage we're fed,                                       
While FOURTH ESTATE gets all the blame.                     
                                                            
72660 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sometimes I wish FOURTH ESTATE                              
Had their words served up on a plate.                       
Suitable redress                                            
For disagreeable press:                                     
Ingestion for words that they ate!                          
                                                            
72661 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The flowers were missing; priest late.                      
At funeral for number four mate.                            
Wife met with the press,                                    
Who soothed her distress;                                   
Consoled, was she by FOURTH ESTATE.                         
                                                            
72662 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



In this land where our freedom's fate                       
Depends on alert FOURTH ESTATE.                             
How dreadful to find                                        
Ted Turner behind,                                          
Controlling his writers, first rate.                        
                                                            
72663 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The FOURTH ESTATE is no riddle;                             
It comes in left, right, and the middle.                    
Have your own pick                                          
Of voice politic,                                           
But discard the old taradiddle.                             
                                                            
72664 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



What's good for the world's hungry needs,                   
Is FRANKENFOOD whole grains and seeds.                      
With genes all shook up,                                    
They are safe to sup,                                       
While raising hell with bugs and weeds.                     
                                                            
72665 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Genetic inserts of FRANKENFOOD                              
Are oft irrationally eschewed;                              
But they are extension                                      
Of Mendel's invention,                                      
So resisters just need to get clued.                        
                                                            
72666 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



People who shun FRANKENFOOD                                 
Are the same ones who sit and brood                         
About the ozone hole,                                       
The melting North Pole,                                     
And snail darters.  (That get's them unglued!)              
                                                            
72667 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



As sailor's life, never a breeze,                           
By FRENCH LEAVE, screwed up, if you please.                 
Meant Brig was in store                                     
For those lads ashore,                                      
Who stayed to just get "One more squeeze."                  
                                                            
72668 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The FRESCO just one question begs:                          
(Though to ask it is dredging the dregs)                    
If albumin's used                                           
To fix those bright hues,                                   
Can you make one without breaking eggs?                     
                                                            
72669 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Painting fresh plaster as FRESCO                            
Always did challenge Francesco,                             
For work pigmented                                          
Left him demented                                           
And calling himself Tedesco.                                
                                                            
72670 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To put paint on lingering lime,                             
Requires a great deal of time,                              
Done on damp batches,                                       
In limited patches,                                         
It yields a bright FRESCO, sublime.                         
                                                            
72671 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When bagels and lox you may FRESS,                          
The results you surely can guess.                           
Especially with "schmear"   (additions)                     
The penalty, dear,                                          
Add pounds and some gastric distress.                       
                                                            
72672 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With chilling effect FRIGORIFIC,                            
Some spousal remarks specific                               
Could lead to a paddle,                                     
Thus back in the saddle                                     
For a ride some might call rubific.                         
                                                            
72673 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



He met lady with looks terrific;                            
He tried one of his lines prolific.                         
But started to squirm                                       
And felt like a worm                                        
Under her glare FRIGORIFIC.                                 
                                                            
72674 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The chilling cold of FRIGORIFIC                             
Can at length become soporific,                             
As when the tool rigid                                      
Meets with the frigid,                                      
And the schnorer seems sonorific.                           
                                                            
72675 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A hermit with sex taste terrific,                           
Had mate who was quite FRIGORIFIC.                          
And when he got in                                          
Her 'Temple of Sin',                                        
Got penile frostbite terrific.                              
                                                            
72676 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



While sailing on ship in Pacific,                           
Said nudist, "The wind's FRIGORIFIC!"                       
Said his wife, "Yes, I'm thinking,                          
You seem to be shrinking.                                   
This cruise could be less than terrific."                   
                                                            
72677 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



A rite sure to generate FRISSON,                            
Something "moyel" better not misson,                        
For, if he should slip,                                     
Wrong out at the tip,                                       
Means life of poor pants to piss on.                        
                                                            
72678 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For moyel there is a real reason,                           
Performance foments great FRISSON.                          
Suspense will try us,                                       
If cut on the bias,                                         
Peed pants then, for many a season.                         
                                                            
72679 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Pardonez moi! 'Couldn't resist,                             
The vulgar use of the word 'pissed',                        
Like when I am mad,                                         
And otherwise had,                                          
By unfeeling urologist                                      
                                                            
72680 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



FROE does fit right in that niche,                          
In my memory's fabric I'll stitch.                          
For such reagal noun,                                       
Doesn't in Dewars drown,                                    
You surely deserve Glenfidich!                              
                                                            
72681 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It seems to me that I know                                  
FROUFROU is in the libretto                                 
Of that Lehar whirl                                         
As the name of a girl                                       
Who flirts in "The Merry Widow."                            
                                                            
72682 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The decor of her room was too-too...                        
Encumbered with too much FROUFROU.                          
With pillows on the bed                                     
She was forced to give head,                                
'Cause there was no room to screw.                          
                                                            
72683 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



"I've picked something lovely for you."                     
Said the bride to her maids.  (Quite a crew!)               
Girls comments snide,                                       
Our of hearing of bride,                                    
"These gowns are far too foufrou!  Ew!"                     
                                                            
72684 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl                   



The fleeting quality FUGACIOUS,                             
Is desired in teens contumacious,                           
But is more apparent                                        
When you are a parent                                       
And trying to appear sagacious.                             
                                                            
72685 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In my youth, my ardor was tenacious.                        
Today, it is more FUGACIOUS.                                
I was also up quick                                         
For a second trick.                                         
Today, the interval is more spacious.                       
                                                            
72686 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Fleeting fame, all too FUGACIOUS,                           
Is glory for the pugnacious,                                
For when ticket's punched,                                  
Their brains have been crunched                             
And left the realm of sagacious.                            
                                                            
72687 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Fame is FUGACIOUS  and fleeting,                            
After one has been caught cheating.                         
Monogamy's good,                                            
'Cept in Hollywood,                                         
Where affairs are as common as eating.                      
                                                            
72688 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



I pity some husbands and wives;                             
FUGACIOUS is joy in their lives.                            
Sex once was passionate,                                    
Now they're not havin' it;                                  
A wonder such marriage survives.                            
                                                            
72689 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



FUGACIOUS, you almost could doubt it,                       
Speeds time so fast as to route it.                         
It simply won't last,                                       
Flies by just so fast,                                      
FUGACIOUS, fugetaboutit.                                    
                                                            
72690 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"Sic transit gloria", and such;                             
Of our time, there's never too much.                        
FUGACIOUS, life seems,                                      
The stuff of our dreams,                                    
Sweetly gone, as a lover's touch.                           
                                                            
72691 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A full gent is one who has eaten                            
And a loser is one who is beaten.                           
With our FULGENT sun's nova,                                
We'll all be done over,                                     
Which will terminate all of our bleatin'.                   
                                                            
72692 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



FULGENT as Fall foliage is bright,                          
Fiery fresh lovers feel at night;                           
Slow discovering,                                           
Little covering,                                            
As kisses become taste and bite.                            
                                                            
72693 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



On Halloween Eve, FULGENT form,                             
Appeared in the coed's warm dorm.                           
With sheet, pumpkin head,                                   
It sought a sweet bed,                                      
'Twas old sexual pervert, our Norm.                         
                                                            
72694 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The ladies all squealed in alarm,                           
Noting the state of his "short arm".                        
But soon settled in                                         
For grat night of sin,                                      
Succumbing to his ready charm.                              
                                                            
72695 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sudden onset is FULMINANT,                                  
The medical sense dominant,                                 
As infection passed                                         
To carbuncle fast,                                          
With gluteal pain assonant.                                 
                                                            
72696 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Will Congress at Bill FULMINATE?                            
Or harsher decree, stern dictate.                           
Impeach or convict,                                         
Or something less strict,                                   
For crimes that he did perpetrate.                          
                                                            
72697 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Poor hubby, who never could wait                            
To have premature 'jaculate,                                
Produced marriage strife,                                   
Caused his soggy wife                                       
Against sex to then FULMINATE.                              
                                                            
72698 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



FULSOME, who's meaning is shady,                            
Turns me to coward most fraidy.                             
A word I would chose                                        
To otherwise use,                                           
In describing a buxom young lady.                           
                                                            
72699 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



That notable foodstuff, the lentil,                         
You eat, not to keep, but for rental.                       
All that fibre and gas                                      
Will engender, alas,                                        
Upsets which are quite FUNDAMENTAL.                         
                                                            
72700 WORDS - DEFINED                Townmouse                



Frank felt his FUNICULAR phallus                            
Would thrill the young widow, sweet Alice.                  
But she scanned his staff                                   
And gave a great laugh,                                     
Then dismissed "Pee-wee" with some malice.                  
                                                            
72701 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A cable or rope FUNICULAR                                   
For crossing space perpendicular,                           
Requires big pulleys                                        
And donning woolies                                         
Or heavy coating follicular.                                
                                                            
72702 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When it comes to travel vehicular,                          
My least favorite is the FUNICULAR.                         
Keep me close to the ground                                 
Where I feel safe and sound,                                
In a bus, car, or train -- I'm not particular.              
                                                            
72703 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Freddie, with sex never done,                               
Favored FUNICULAR fun.                                      
"It's great, you can bet,                                   
'Cause two rides I get,                                     
While just only paying for one."                            
                                                            
72704 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Gossipy rumor creates FURPHY.                               
Much as accounting does incur fee,                          
But that is the way                                         
That people can say                                         
The law of the world goes by Murphy.                        
                                                            
72705 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A FURPHY, good work for some slimes,                        
Who use it for news leak and crimes                         
Of political type                                           
To candidate hype,                                          
Are headlined in "The L.A. Times."                          
                                                            
72706 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A FURPHY for a gossip drooler,                              
In the old days was oft steno pooler.                       
But now with P.C.'s                                         
Such shooting of breeze                                     
Might justly be called "Water cooler."                      
                                                            
72707 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Distinguish betwen 'farther' and 'further,'                 
Please Henry," said teacher, Miss Wurther.                  
"Well, farther is who                                       
Will shoot all his goo                                      
Before he goes further with murther."                       
                                                            
72708 WORDS - DEFINED                Travis Brasell           



To distinguish 'twixt further and farther,"                 
To Miss Wurther, aid Travis MacArthur,                      
"I recall how me murther                                    
Said me Farther weren't worth her                           
Taking time with his dick like a quarther."                 
                                                            
72709 WORDS - DEFINED                Hugh Clary               



A hopeless FUTILITARIAN                                     
Found a home with a good Unitarian.                         
They spent every night                                      
Discussing the right                                        
To end life other than carrion.                             
                                                            
72710 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The anti-hero Yossarian                                     
Understood that life's FUTILITARIAN.                        
The name of this view                                       
Is Catch 22.                                                
To survive, best be a contrarian.                           
                                                            
72711 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



FUTILITARIAN friends, I've a few;                           
Of most things, they take a dim view.                       
Though they live at ease,                                   
And think life's a breeze,                                  
They barely work, like me and you.                          
                                                            
72712 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Respecting the old grey GAFFER,                             
We don't snigger at the quaffer,                            
But it's awfully hard                                       
Guffaws to retard;                                          
Punch lines he mangles, a laugher.                          
                                                            
72713 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



"Lights!", the young GAFFER will shout;                     
It is what his job's all about.                             
But the old GAFFER clings                                   
To what each day brings,                                    
Knowing soon his light will go out.                         
                                                            
72714 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Democratic rancor today,                                    
With hatred of Bush full array,                             
Stems from deal bad                                         
Of the "hanging chad",                                      
And election which they'd GAINSAY.                          
                                                            
72715 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Roguish romeo, GALLIVANT,                                   
Stays in shape or finds he does pant,                       
When chasing a skirt                                        
Or riding with quirt,                                       
And has little left for the rant.                           
                                                            
72716 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Guys GAM when at the beer keg,                              
And will semi-lewd yakking peg,                             
To some lady fair,                                          
And her pubic hair,                                         
Which tops a swell GAM that's a leg.                        
                                                            
72717 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They speak, now keep this between us,                       
Those critters of horny male genus,                         
Who're quite hormone bound,                                 
Insist heaven's found                                       
Directly at delta of Venus.                                 
                                                            
72718 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Opening maneuver, GAMBIT,                                   
Leads to move in which I am bit --                          
Shortly after Pawn's tour,                                  
But you can be sure                                         
Pawn doesn't like it one damn bit.                          
                                                            
72719 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Some people will just bend your ear                         
With stuff you're unwilling to hear.                        
When they start up their GAMBIT,                            
I mind it a damn-bit                                        
And flee quickly, showing my rear.                          
                                                            
72720 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When GAMBIT's an opening line,                              
Some are of an old vintage fine.                            
The one linked to bed,                                      
Off top of the head,                                        
Is chestnut: "Your place or mine?"                          
                                                            
72721 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Foreplay, that pleasant preamble,                           
That Gus and Gert got with sex GAMBOL,                      
Brought gnashing of teeth,                                  
As he would don sheath,                                     
Which slowed their rambunctious ramble.                     
                                                            
72722 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sex without any preamble                                    
Won't get some ready to GAMBOL.                             
But a matador crude                                         
Was always in the mood                                      
And would shout, "Bring on Goddamn Bull!"                   
                                                            
72723 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



GARDEROBE is wardrobe; Who cares?,                          
The same thing when given French airs.                      
Private chamber, yipes,                                     
Run there with the 'gripes',                                
British 'loo', if anyone cares.                             
                                                            
72724 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Closeted there in her GARDEROBE,                            
Exercising the patience of Job,                             
The young swain's crooning,                                 
'Midst much June mooning,                                   
With which he hopes to pass guard robe.                     
                                                            
72725 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Young man with GARGANTUAN grin                              
Returned from a wild night of sin,                          
Met Mom at the door,                                        
Who gave him 'what for.'                                    
And said, "It's no time to get in!"                         
                                                            
72726 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The largest living thing is a fungus.                       
Not merely GARGANTUAN, it's humongus.                       
As mushroom soup,                                           
It would feed a troop                                       
With plenty to share among us.                              
                                                            
72727 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Give me wine, red meat, and Marmite;                        
I have a GARGANTUAN appetite,                               
Said the boy to his mom,                                    
After a night at the prom                                   
And more than a little bit tight.                           
                                                            
72728 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



Marmite, however it sounds,                                 
Is eaten in British Isle's bounds;                          
With vitamins laced.                                        
An acquired taste,                                          
Which a foreigner just astounds.                            
                                                            
72729 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The grotesque, fantastic GARGOYLE                           
Rainwater's wood rotting does foil,                         
Spiriting away                                              
The floods of today                                         
So mold gothic beams won't embroil.                         
                                                            
72730 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The Notre Dame rainwater roils,                             
From out of the mouths of GARGOYLES.                        
It's okay they're there,                                    
Not face on gal fair,                                       
Which even blindest date spoils.                            
                                                            
72731 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Parsley, that GARNITURE green,                              
In "La Boheme" mentioned, I ween,                           
To parrot fed,                                              
Just left him quite dead.                                   
At least it says so in first scene.                         
                                                            
72732 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Annoyed by chatterbox GARRULOUS?                            
Rejoice if that one's not querulous,                        
For such a complainer                                       
Is a backside painer,                                       
And makes everyday seem perilous.                           
                                                            
72733 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel                   



GARRULOUS is a foolish word.                                
Why should talking be deferred?                             
There's no thing such                                       
As talking too much.                                        
Brevity is the refuge of the nerd.                          
                                                            
72734 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



A GARRULOUS guy, what a PISK!                               
I can tell you without further risk.                        
If later is newish,                                         
It means that in Jewish,                                    
A mouth larger than an obelisk.                             
                                                            
72735 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Said GARRULOUS bride to the groom,                          
"I assume it is safe to presume                             
You know I'm outspoken!"                                    
Said he, calmly jokin',                                     
"My dear, you're outspoken by whom?"                        
                                                            
72736 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



A food lover is GASTRONOME,                                 
Over Earth's face one will roam,                            
In search of good meal,                                     
Experience real                                             
Good tastes, abroad or at home.                             
                                                            
72737 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Left handed and clumsy since birth,                         
Word GAUCHE fits my penmanship's worth.                     
But I'm right, by gosh                                      
That of word brioche,                                       
There is no limerickal dearth.                              
                                                            
72738 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A young man too full of good brew,                          
Was accosted by a matron, who                               
Behind her guilloche         (interlacing grillwork)        
Shouted out, "How GAUCHE!"                                  
Said he, "Jush fine, how goesh it with you?"                
                                                            
72739 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There are folks quite GAUCHE, I suppose,                    
(I'm sure you are not one of those)                         
Who talk when you meet                                      
Out there in the street,                                    
While fishing for dirt up their nose.                       
                                                            
72740 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Most times when the GAUNTLET is thrown,                     
Response of the sane is a groan.                            
They're sure it will start                                  
A fight not too smart,                                      
With chance for some harmony blown.                         
                                                            
72741 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Long ago in an earlier day                                  
Words didn't mean what they do today                        
Some definitions                                            
Have made transitions                                       
Although I'm happy, please don't call me gay.               
                                                            
72742 WORDS - DEFINED                Puff Adder               



She asked for "a screw in her bed,"                         
But he was a hopeless gearhead.                             
No piece did she find                                       
For what went through his mind...                           
"Does she need a fine or a coarse thread?"                  
                                                            
72743 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



An eager young GEARHEAD I knew,                             
Smart about things, through and through,                    
In depression fell                                          
'Cause he couldn't tell                                     
Just what to fix in a screw.                                
                                                            
72744 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



GEARHEADS I often do find                                   
Think with a one track mind.                                
They can figure it out,                                     
But without a doubt,                                        
Sex with them is just a grind.                              
                                                            
72745 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Old Robert Service wrote of GELID                           
And cheechako tricks with annelid,  (tenderfoot)            
Wherein the ice worm                                        
In drinks could confirm                                     
The drinker's worth his salt and swell id.                  
                                                            
72746 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



GELID?  I am not at all,                                    
Curled up in a warm fetal ball!                             
You can bet I won't rove                                    
Very far from the stove,                                    
When winter has me in its thrall.                           
                                                            
72747 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



I don't get caught in the lurch;                            
I burn only wood that's called birch.                       
The logs burn all night                                     
In a cabin snug-tight,                                      
So for comfort I don't have to search.                      
                                                            
72748 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



I hear when it isn't so cold,                               
There's a surfeit of mosquitoes bold,                       
Who'll rip at your hide;                                    
So I think I'll reside,                                     
In New Jersey, that "Garden State" gold.                    
                                                            
72749 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When Germans start acting quite queer,                      
Full friendly to folk far and near,                         
GEMUTLICH they are                                          
'Cause the nearest bar,                                     
Has sated their taste for strong beer.                      
                                                            
72750 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Is your future real bright and romancy?,                    
Consult pattern in GEOMANCY.                                
Find joy, perhaps hurt,                                     
In a handful of dirt,                                       
Or anything else you might fancy.                           
                                                            
72751 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



From lines and patterns GEOMANCY                            
Tries to divine life's relevancy,                           
Though there is no dearth                                   
Of things from the earth                                    
That are brought forth in necromancy.                       
                                                            
72752 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



GEOMANCY, the lay of the land,                              
Determines where standing-stones stand.                     
It marks out the paths                                      
Of the ley-lines in graphs.                                 
Fortune telling?  No, rather more grand!                    
                                                            
72753 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



A GEORGIC girl, I'll never be;                              
A rural life is not for me.                                 
I can't milk a cow;                                         
I just don't know how!                                      
Plus roosters crow much too early!                          
                                                            
72754 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



The rustic scene is right at home,                          
In Georgic, fete champetric poem.                           
With few trees above,                                       
And a lady love                                             
Who minds not where his hands may roam.                     
                                                            
72755 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bucolic cultivator GEORGIC,                                 
Who made his own tools in ways forgic,                      
Once fell on the plow                                       
With consequence now,                                       
He no longer has dreams engorgic.                           
                                                            
72756 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The ruling regent is GERENT,                                
The uncle, aunt, or a parent,                               
Who reigns for a royal,                                     
Remaining loyal,                                            
Till rightful one is apparent.                              
                                                            
72757 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



"Yo, Brutus, your face is quite pallid;                     
I don't think your action is valid!"                        
These words from the GERENT,                                
Made the facts apparent,                                    
Said Caesar, "I think that's my salad!"                     
                                                            
72758 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



Just wait till the "outs" take a gander                     
Of what the "ins" will GERRYMANDER;                         
They'll see votes a-flying                                  
To new district lying,                                      
Which they will lose in a style grander.                    
                                                            
72759 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Redistricting of GERRYMANDER                                
Exemplifies clout of commander;                             
Of details grimy,                                           
In a manner slimy,                                          
Like toxic skin of salamander.                              
                                                            
72760 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When politicians to minorities pander,                      
They oft create a GERRYMANDER.                              
They corral those votes                                     
Like a herd of goats;                                       
Demagoguery ensues, free of candor.                         
                                                            
72761 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A pol who freely meandered                                  
With girls of low moral standard,                           
Was said to have won                                        
When voting was done,                                       
In district of girls GERRYMANDERED.                         
                                                            
72762 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



There once was a GESTAPO guy;                               
Sado-masochist sex he would try.                            
Between whips and chains,                                   
He inflicted big pains,                                     
And liked the barbed-wire in his fly.                       
                                                            
72763 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The love of a most brutal type                              
Brought from his partners no gripe,                         
Who certainly knew                                          
That when he got through,                                   
For Hermit Dave, they'd be ripe.                            
                                                            
72764 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The brutal state police, GESTAPO,                           
With Hitler's loss quickly went floppo.                     
For without a head,                                         
The snake will be dead;                                     
Repeat ad libitum da capo.                                  
                                                            
72765 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Pfizer, rebating drug maker,                                
Of Viagra, impotence slaker;                                
Kick-back is no crime,                                      
Fund GEYSER is fine,                                        
If government is the taker.                                 
                                                            
72766 WORDS - DEFINED                Karen                    



Urban GHETTOES, reduced to waste,                           
Once the inhabitants are displaced,                         
Become things they ain't                                    
Like town houses quaint,                                    
With charm and affectation graced.                          
                                                            
72767 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



This urban renewal, it seems,                               
Is stuff of developer's dreams.                             
They buy in dirt cheap,                                     
Then sit back and reap                                      
The wealth of all of their schemes.                         
                                                            
72768 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"GIBBOUS this day our bread."                               
Is exactly what the preacher said.                          
By sending "daily"                                          
To liturgical jail, he                                      
Gave meter to the line which I led.                         
                                                            
72769 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The curve of a hump so GIBBOUS                              
On the back of kyphosis gives us                            
Notre Dame's ringer,                                        
Whose love for a singer                                     
Was dismissed by cynics as glib lust.                       
                                                            
72770 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The osteoporotic spine                                      
We see with its GIBBOUS decline,                            
From neck to the rump.                                      
The "Dowager's Hump"                                        
Is something for which she might whine.                     
                                                            
72771 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bachelorhood, young mens' GIBRALTAR,                        
Where resistance is likely to falter                        
When a certain miss                                         
Can seal with a kiss                                        
That reluctant walk to the alter.                           
                                                            
72772 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Their solid, GIBRALTAR-like stance                          
Was not really open to chance.                              
Green helmets they wore                                     
As they stormed ashore,                                     
In long-ago Normandy, France.                               
                                                            
72773 WORDS - DEFINED                Gene                     



Smoothly unhaired is skin GLABROUS,                         
Though how some men shave is barbarous,                     
Bowing and scraping,                                        
Jabbing and japing,                                         
Till we've skin scalded and scabrous.                       
                                                            
72774 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Hairless is skin that is GLABROUS,                          
Not concerned with that which is scabrous,                  
Like warty old toad                                         
With code in da node,                                       
Putting on airs for the glam'rous.                          
                                                            
72775 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



GLABROUS skin is quite small, for starts,                   
On palms and soles, if one charts,                          
Our lips, also there,                                       
Are notably bare,                                           
And tips of our most private parts.                         
                                                            
72776 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



GLASNOST, if you're going to rate                           
Is thing theoretically great.                               
In practice, however,                                       
This worthwhile endeavor                                    
Is subverted by every slick state.                          
                                                            
72777 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The sunshine policies of GLASNOST,                          
Intended to make secrets just toast,                        
Does still tend to gloss                                    
The high-level dross,                                       
Who'd hide people that feel the laws most.                  
                                                            
72778 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



And when the GLOAMING's dark has fallen,                    
And all the doves have stopped their callin',               
Then peace will settle                                      
As dew on the petal,                                        
And sleep will come where it was stallin'.                  
                                                            
72779 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Eventide darkens to GLOAMING                                
And birds of all kinds soon are homing                      
On central station,                                         
For some libation                                           
And serious preening and combing.                           
                                                            
72780 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In Glasgow, as it gets to GLOAMING,                         
The thirsty will set off a-roaming,                         
To scour pubs of town,                                      
So that they may down                                       
Stouts and dark ales, warm and foaming.                     
                                                            
72781 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those not in a destitute crotch,                            
But high in prosperity's notch,                             
Can lay down the coin,                                      
And with others, join                                       
In quaffing of single-malt scotch.                          
                                                            
72782 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They'll soon have the Glaswegian roll,                      
And stagger in manner quite droll.                          
While stoned to the hilt                                    
In tartans and kilt,                                        
They'll greatness of Scotland extol.                        
                                                            
72783 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



'Tis the time of the year to serve GLOGG!                   
But limit so as not to cause fog.                           
Don't drink and drive!                                      
Have fun.  Stay alive!                                      
With that, please pass the egg nog!                         
                                                            
72784 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



There once was a bad Peeping Tom                            
Who eyefuls of beauties would GLOM.                         
He almost got caught;                                       
Today, though still sought,                                 
He's far off in Dar Es Salaam.                              
                                                            
72785 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



We hail the joys of tongue feats GLOSSAL,                   
Not least of which is warbling throstle.                    
But the best by far                                         
Is that gusto jar                                           
Containing full measure of wassail.                         
                                                            
72786 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To Momma the young spouse went back;                        
He's withered 'neath spouse's attack.                       
She had a mien sour                                         
Given to GLOWER,                                            
And a frigid performance in sack.                           
                                                            
72787 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Into the honeymoon bower                                    
Came difficult issues of power.                             
They argued nonstop                                         
Over who got on top,                                        
And ended up GLOWER to GLOWER.                              
                                                            
72788 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



GLUTINOUS describes matters gummy,                          
While gluttonous folks find food yummy,                     
To stuff in their faces,                                    
Leaving no traces,                                          
Except for a protruding tummy.                              
                                                            
72789 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some gals have gluteus muscles                              
With which they have daily tussles.                         
But the GLUTINOUS fat,                                      
Which sticks where it's at,                                 
Makes some of them seem to have bustles.                    
                                                            
72790 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Great capacity has the GLUTTON                              
For wine and beer or legs of mutton,                        
And does not demand,                                        
As does the gourmand,                                       
The subtlety of E. F. Hutton.                               
                                                            
72791 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For sex, foolish man is a GLUTTON,                          
And trousers will gladly unbutton,                          
And make a quick pass,                                      
For each willing lass,                                      
Like banks were to weak Willie Sutton.                      
                                                            
72792 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There was a fat person named Dutton                         
Who was a remarkable GLUTTON.                               
He ate in one meal,                                         
Twelve boars and a creel                                    
Of salmon and two cartloads of mutton!                      
                                                            
72793 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



A GNATHONIC jester named Burke                              
Asked, "Why should I clown for this jerk?"                  
His master found out,                                       
And you shouldn't doubt                                     
That Burke is now looking for work.                         
                                                            
72794 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The riches of mines like GOLCONDA                           
Or the copper from Anaconda,                                
Are matched long term                                       
By such a firm                                              
With durable products like Honda.                           
                                                            
72795 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A GOLDBRICK some bosses can't tell                          
From one who works quickly and well.                        
And, lacking perception                                     
Are gulled for deception                                    
And dupes in the game of the shell                          
                                                            
72796 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The con artist who uses GOLDBRICK                           
Won't hesitate to sell his old schtick.                     
As supportive cane                                          
For the church's gain,                                      
Thus plotting downfall of bishopric.                        
                                                            
72797 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



GOLDBRICKERS, there are some about;                         
These are people we can do without.                         
They're very unfair,                                        
Just won't pull their share.                                
We'll send them to Congress, no doubt.                      
                                                            
72798 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Capitalist Tree's sweetest fruit,                       
Which sticks in the stockholder's snoot,                    
And rewards the guy                                         
Who couldn't get by,                                        
Is sweet deal GOLDEN PARACHUTE.                             
                                                            
72799 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Slick safety net, GOLDEN PARACHUTE,                         
Is a security substitute,                                   
Responsible for                                             
The gap we abhore                                           
'Twixt those with and without bumbershoot.                  
                                                            
72800 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If sick, to Bethesda you'd head,                            
A place to be healed and be fed.                            
In similar vein,                                            
Name place that gives pain,                                 
Our Congress, GOLGOTHA, instead!                            
                                                            
72801 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



As a girl she would GORMANDIZE,                             
Eating lots of cakes and pies.                              
She ate so well,                                            
She began to swell,                                         
Especially 'round the butt and thighs.                      
                                                            
72802 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



So dull and stupid are the GORMLESS;                        
They see the world completely formless.                     
Their presence is bland                                     
As old green peas canned;                                   
Like life in a land that is stormless.                      
                                                            
72803 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To be a rude Goth, oh such joy!                             
Appeals to the old inner boy.                               
Like wiping your nose                                       
On your best Sunday clothes,                                
While looking for peace to destroy.                         
                                                            
72804 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Food quality, scene of GOURMET,                             
Food quantity, GOURMAND's in play;                          
He'll wolf it all down,                                     
Then ask with a groan,                                      
"Is that all there's to eat, today?"                        
                                                            
72805 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Gertie could sure GORMANDIZE;                               
Had great girth and troubles likewise.                      
She married Fat Frank.                                      
On this you can bank:                                       
Their kids ain't the most petite size.                      
                                                            
72806 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A Grecian inscribed with some Greek                         
The ruins where he took a leak;                             
Such signed and unsigned                                    
GRAFFITI defined,                                           
The language in which we now speak.                         
                                                            
72807 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Talk of Parthenon GRAFFITI                                  
While munching grape leaves and ziti,                       
Seems enough to stop a                                      
Young man drinking grappa                                   
From any further entreaty.                                  
                                                            
72808 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Confetti is ground GRAFFITI,                                
In Italy they use Ziti,                                     
In Greece they fry things,                                  
Including dough rings,                                      
But less pasta that fresh meati.                            
                                                            
72809 WORDS - DEFINED                Reddog                   



GRAFFITI, in eye of beholder,                               
It might be some limericks bolder.                          
We couldn't do worse,                                       
That compose our verse,                                     
In lines that will attract and smolder.                     
                                                            
72810 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



No TV for me, Halloween,                                    
There's GRAND GUIGNOL stuff on the screen.                  
Masked guys with chainsaws,                                 
Wolf men with sharp claws,                                  
And the longest fangs I've ever seen.                       
                                                            
72811 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The violence which mankind has hurled,                      
In massacres which have unfurled,                           
In many a far place,                                        
Is the brutal face                                          
Of our GRAND GUIGNOL of the world.                          
                                                            
72812 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



GRATUITOUS, "free as the larks",                            
Like passes at old baseball parks,                          
Is something too grand;                                     
On the other hand,                                          
When GRATUITOUS precedes "remarks".                         
                                                            
72813 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



GRATUITOUS violence and sex?                                
Don't go to local cineplex;                                 
What's seen on TV,                                          
Here or across sea --                                       
What most we abhore, news reflects.                         
                                                            
72814 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Superfluous is GRATUITOUS,                                  
As slimy gobs are pituitous.                                
When in spitting war,                                       
The cad evens score,                                        
With bombs and tries to spit two at us.                     
                                                            
72815 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The GRAVAMEN of suing spouse,                               
In shedding her hubby, the louse,                           
Was "sex on the side",                                      
To help judge decide                                        
That she should keep more than the house.                   
                                                            
72816 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



GRAVAMEN, to court we travel,                               
And in Halls of Justice unravel,                            
Mid conflicting pleas,                                      
Why Monica's knees,                                         
Look like abrasions from gravel.                            
                                                            
72817 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She doesn't quite live in a hovel,                          
Or work with a long-handled shovel,                         
So one might surmise,                                       
What's seen with our eyes,                                  
Is not from some gravel, but grovel.                        
                                                            
72818 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A trogdolyte monk of depravity,                             
Lured lass to iniquitous cavity.                            
She liked to play there,                                    
And soon his dark lair,                                     
Became her new center of GRAVITY.                           
                                                            
72819 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A heavenly body's GRAVITY                                   
Attracts some others of suavity.                            
But if their joint motion                                   
Ain't slowed by devotion,                                   
It may lead to some concavity.                              
                                                            
72820 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The GRAVITY here on the ground                              
Is bound to surround you, I've found.                       
But in space there's no weight                              
And no diets; that's great!                                 
And no further I'll need to expound.                        
                                                            
72821 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Some poor ladies suffer the fate,                           
Selecting some guy for a mate,                              
Who says that he will                                       
While he has his fill,                                      
With GREEK CALENDS as nuptual date.                         
                                                            
72822 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Young ladies by nature GREGARIOUS,                          
Who hope to remain nulliparous,                             
The hermits in these                                        
Rhymes should not tease,                                    
Lest rectitude become precarious.                           
                                                            
72823 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



A young lad with manner GREGARIOUS,                         
Sought girls in new ways various,                           
But all he could find                                       
Were men of like mind,                                      
Seeking action nefarious.                                   
                                                            
72824 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Couples hot, unable to wait,                                
All eager to rush wedding date,                             
To GRETNA GREEN run                                         
To jump start the fun,                                      
And honeymoon really first-rate.                            
                                                            
72825 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The quickie marriage on GRETNA GREEN                        
May not be soon smashed to smithereens,                     
But note at parkside,                                       
That less cautious bride                                    
Who was known as Lady Mondegreen.                           
                                                            
72826 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It's really a comical scene,                                
Those quicky nups in GRETNA GREEN.                          
A hurried "I do";                                           
Forget "I love you."                                        
Life is simple when you're seventeen.                       
                                                            
72827 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I am here today to confide,                                 
That K-Y with bort on inside,                               
Won't lubricate much,                                       
Is painful to touch,                                        
And will make most moist organs GRIDE.                      
                                                            
72828 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I am here today to confide,                                 
That K-Y with bort on inside,                               
Won't lubricate much,                                       
Is painful to touch,                                        
And will make most moist organs GRIDE.                      
                                                            
72829 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Let us hope that justice is swift                           
For those who would perpetrate GRIFT,                       
So they may join flocks                                     
Of those pounding rocks,                                    
That's jail-time, if you catch my drift.                    
                                                            
72830 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The ease with which grifters gain GRIFT                     
Often has me feeling quite miffed.                          
It's just not enough                                        
To complain of such stuff,                                  
'Cause now I'm the one who's been stiffed.                  
                                                            
72831 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As lively and bright as a GRIG,                             
Who dances so sprightly a jig.                              
I never have been                                           
Since when I was thin                                       
And people then called me a sprig.                          
                                                            
72832 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



But now that you have a big rump,                           
With waistline in which fat rolls clump,                    
Too bad that you're taller,                                 
Since if you were smaller,                                  
I'd certainly call you a stump.                             
                                                            
72833 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A sparky and profligate welder                              
Seduced a young girl called GRISELDA.                       
She, meek while he welded,                                  
Was swiftly Zeigfelded --                                   
No wiser, but certainly elder.                              
                                                            
72834 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick Lanyon              



When it comes to amassing of shoes,                         
The champ we are certain to choose                          
Is Marco's Imelda,                                          
Who was no GRISELDA                                         
And still hardly has paid her dues.                         
                                                            
72835 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When Brittania did rule the waves,                          
Which kept tars from too early graves,                      
And scurvy's dark fog,                                      
Was lime with their GROG,                                   
A pleasant elixir for saves.                                
                                                            
72836 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Diluted rum was quickly called GROG,                        
Which sailors throught more suited to frog.                 
But French did not whine                                    
For any but wine,                                           
Leaving those tars aground in the bog.                      
                                                            
72837 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A new word I learn now and then,                            
GROK is Martian way to say "ken",                           
Or "dig it", you see,                                       
And obviously,                                              
A usage for teen denizen.                                   
                                                            
72838 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The reinforced eyelet is GROMMET,                           
Through which goes the aglet as comet,                      
Zipping thus right through                                  
To lace up your shoe;                                       
Any more cute stuff and I'll vomit.                         
                                                            
72839 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A GROMMET to pull the lace through,                         
Works best when you're tying your shoe.                     
First left, then the right,                                 
You pull it real tight.                                     
Then start it all over anew.                                
                                                            
72840 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



The GROTESQUE limerick unreasonable,                        
With such lax morals treasonable,                           
Is but brought to mind                                      
With weather, the kind                                      
That makes such bad thought only seasonable.                
                                                            
72841 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In Greenland there was GROTESQUE guy,                       
Who thought native girls he might try.                      
But none of them "poked"                                    
And so he then yoked                                        
With reindeer who were grazing by.                          
                                                            
72842 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In Alaska, never you fear,                                  
Yens sexual for any reindeer                                
Are never quite sought,                                     
Or GROTESQUELY thought,                                     
With Musk Oxen conveniently near.                           
                                                            
72843 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The GROUNDLING of ignoble birth                             
Finds in his farts unbidled mirth;                          
Though poor and despised                                    
And in rags disguised,                                      
'Tis said he'll "inherit the Earth."                        
                                                            
72844 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The GROUNDLING life's often the pits;                       
For in the mud is where he sits.                            
He's seeing the play,                                       
But that's not to say,                                      
He avoids where the upper crust spits.                      
                                                            
72845 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sometimes small investment we make,                         
By offering up a GRUBSTAKE.                                 
Don't know if return                                        
Will be enough to earn,                                     
Or simply the grubbing of fake.                             
                                                            
72846 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Investors' seed money, GRUBSTAKE,                           
Is proffered in hope they can take                          
Ten to hundred fold                                         
Investment in gold,                                         
Then do it again for greed's sake.                          
                                                            
72847 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Entrepreneurs jump at the chance,                           
With hardly any backward glance,                            
For building coffers                                        
With other's proffers,                                      
And slipping the gold in their pants.                       
                                                            
72848 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To be GUDGEON, with senses dulled,                          
Like widgeon, an odd bird, thick skulled.                   
One waits for a crook,                                      
To set out his hook,                                        
Then, Wham!, a new sucker is gulled.                        
                                                            
72849 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The term "guinea pig" is abused,                            
Since in lay terms it's often used                          
To describe what I fear                                     
Was once called "volunteer",                                
Which may keep some doctors confused.                       
                                                            
72850 WORDS - DEFINED                Harold                   



The under-chin skin folds are GULAR,                        
Evidence of an aged ruler,                                  
Whose table setting                                         
Wattle is getting,                                          
Like man, a rakish old schooler.                            
                                                            
72851 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Our President, a gifted tooler,                             
With ladies, more hot than cooler,                          
Regardless of votes,                                        
Has yen for "Deep Throats",                                 
Beats "oral" sex, when it is "GULAR".                       
                                                            
72852 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though lust with gust some prudes would dis,                
Its vitalness we must not miss.                             
The practice, it's clear,                                   
Is how come we're here;                                     
As source of pure humor, it's bliss.                        
                                                            
72853 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Over limericks some have fumed and fussed,                  
Because verse is of sex and lust.                           
To those few I'd say,                                       
'Tis better to play                                         
And hail with lascivious GUST.                              
                                                            
72854 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An oenophile takes keen delight, GUST,                      
In varieties coming from must,                              
When flavors golden                                         
Hint of molds olden,                                        
Have escaped the most killing leaf rust.                    
                                                            
72855 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Voracious, onmivirous, devouring,                           
Gourmandise, Falstaffian, empowering;                       
There's nothing subtle                                      
About the verb "To GUTTLE."                                 
It conjures up an appetite that's towering.                 
                                                            
72856 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Guys from den to kitchen shuttle,                           
Getting beer and chips to GUTTLE.                           
Then with big head,                                         
Go off to bed,                                              
Leaving mess for wife to buttle.                            
                                                            
72857 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The honeymoon bride would perplex                           
And with some bladder problems, there vex.                  
But still, all in all,                                      
Was held in great thrall                                    
By the regular GYMKHANA of sex.                             
                                                            
72858 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There certainly wouldn't be anarchy                         
If editing limericks were a GYNARCHY,                       
Monks would be flailed,                                     
And hermits all jailed,                                     
And pols all chided just for malarkey.                      
                                                            
72859 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Women govern -- GYNOCRACY,                                  
As subtle form of democracy,                                
Wherein GYNOCRACY                                           
Starts at menarche,                                         
And men discover autocracy.                                 
                                                            
72860 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When we GYP with gypsies connect,                           
It's politically incorret.                                  
But language has lost                                       
At uncounted cost,                                          
Some color and now has defect.                              
                                                            
72861 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Dear people, please heed my advice,                         
Don't use the word "GYP", it ain't nice;                    
From "Gypsy" derived,                                       
These days it's contrived,                                  
As P.C. offense in a trice.                                 
                                                            
72862 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A GYROVAGUE, wandered into the cave                         
Of an anchorite whose name was Dave.                        
Repelled by the smell                                       
In this monastic cell,                                      
He said, "It's less like a cave than a grave."              
(wandering monk)                                            
72863 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Oceanic trenches HADAL                                      
To few life forms are craadle:                              
Unpigmented fish,                                           
A jettisoned dish,                                          
And tubeworms that spin like dreidel.                       
                                                            
72864 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



HADAL, an adjective weird,                                  
Not place of Hell that we feared,                           
But ocean's deep floor,                                     
So far from a shore,                                        
No fear your rear end will be seared.                       
                                                            
72865 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hadrian sent his Roman legion                               
North into blue depicted region,                            
Where he built a wall,                                      
And then served them all                                    
Not haggis but sweetbreads parmegian.                       
                                                            
72866 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The Haiku's not lewd or perverse (you say)                  
Yet I found a terse Japanese verse (today)                  
Which limned in some detail                                 
Anatomy (female)                                            
Then did it again in reverse. (Oy vey!)                     
                                                            
72867 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Although I'd be tempted to try it,                          
It's sort of like going on diet.                            
Less than the eye meets,                                    
But I like my sweets,                                       
And am not just ready to buy it.                            
                                                            
72868 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They seem to be weird, fragile things,                      
Borne on a butterfly's wings;                               
Devoid of the bang                                          
And sonorous clang                                          
That each scripted limerick brings.                         
                                                            
72869 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our Willy's HAIL-FELLOW-WELL-MET,                           
As red-neck, as red-neck can get,                           
Won't mind telling lies,                                    
And making chicks tries,                                    
A macho-man, hanging-in yet!                                
                                                            
72870 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HALCYON always is seen                                      
As time that's surreal and serene;                          
A piece of mind's eye,                                      
A memory long bye,                                          
At fond backward glance ever keen.                          
                                                            
72871 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's easy to sit and lament                                 
'Bout youth that was carelessly spent.                      
Then I was bolder,                                          
Now I'm much older,                                         
The HALCYON days have all went!                             
                                                            
72872 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



Idyllic were the days HALCYON,                              
Bygone now for almost an eon,                               
When we were so young,                                      
Around bandstand hung,                                      
And knew not that I was a peon.                             
                                                            
72873 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Hurrah for the poor aging male,                             
Who tries to stay hardy and HALE.                           
When vigor will fade,                                       
There's chemical aid                                        
With Viagra, no need to fail.                               
                                                            
72874 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When one is hearty, healthy, and HALE,                      
Full of broccoli, cabbage and kale,                         
Even Brussels sprouts                                       
Won't relieve your doubts                                   
About gases, which such plants entail.                      
                                                            
72875 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



New horizons ahead for old Dave,                            
Who, by doing dead ho's, did cash save.                     
After riding a rail,                                        
He's shown that he's hale,                                  
And now hopes to find date for a rave.                      
                                                            
72876 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Maturing is not always fun,                                 
And your engine may not always run!                         
But there is no recourse.                                   
The alternative's worse;                                    
Six feet under, you might miss the sun!                     
                                                            
72877 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Keep you body and mind up to par,                           
And you may find that they take you far.                    
With a bit of HALE,                                         
You really won't fail,                                      
And your organs won't be in a jar.                          
                                                            
72878 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Standard of excellence, HALLMARK,                           
Has match in word play of Petrach,                          
Though English sonnets                                      
May have burned bonnets                                     
And called down wrath of the monarch.                       
                                                            
72879 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The HALLMARK of lying, one knows,                           
Is the size of Pinocchio's nose.                            
Slick Willy's fat rig,                                      
Is not only big,                                            
Like neon, it rubrently glows.                              
                                                            
72880 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For character flaws, HAMARTIA,                              
There's nothing in pharmacopoeia;                           
Drugs don't override                                        
Over weening pride,                                         
For which there is no panacea.                              
                                                            
72881 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The first business gain saved as HANDSEL,                   
Hangs on the shop wall or standsill,                        
Surrounded by petals,                                       
Just waiting for Gretels                                    
To come shopping for their small Hansel.                    
                                                            
72882 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Of HANDSELS I'd surely be fond,                             
But guess that I'd need magic wand,                         
Or use plane or ship                                        
To take a long trip                                         
Across the wide Atlantic pond.                              
                                                            
72883 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Are HAPLOGRAPHOLOGISTS deper                                
In though than your average bekeper?                        
If so, do they know                                         
Where those letters did go?                                 
Perhaps they should ask a bokeper.                          
                                                            
72884 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



This strange term, my interest is piquing                   
And for some examples I'm seking,                           
But I can not tel                                           
When there's one.  What the hel?                            
I'm slow, HAPLOGRAPHICLY speaking.                          
                                                            
72885 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Letter deletion, HAPLOGRAPHY,                               
Happens less in lexicography                                
Than in speech direct,                                      
Where words like dissect                                    
Are altered in strange phonography.                         
(diss-ect not di-ssect)                                     
72886 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A HARBINGER, father of teen,                                
Said "Son, I should not come between,                       
But when girl you date                                      
Always makes you wait,                                      
You're training for post-marriage scene!"                   
                                                            
72887 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



A judo expert named Ginger                                  
So wanteed to become a ninja,                               
But when up she would sneak,                                
One detected a reek.                                        
Her flop-sweat was her HARBINGER.                           
                                                            
72888 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Young folks won't often harken                              
To rules by parents re: sparkin'.                           
So if my chance                                             
They both drop their pants,                                 
Maybe baby in crib they'll be parkin'.                      
                                                            
72889 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Young bucks are unlikely to HARKEN                          
To ready advice about larkin'.                              
In puruit of catch,                                         
They then meet their match,                                 
When told they're up wrong tree a-barkin'.                  
                                                            
72890 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Listen up, laddies, do HARKEN!                              
The good news has come about sparkin'.                      
If you but believe,                                         
You'll find safe reprieve,                                  
And evil will ne'er your door darken.                       
                                                            
72891 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The ill-tempered scold, a HARRIDAN,                         
Enjoys a sex life quite arid an'                            
You can surely bet                                          
She will not get wet,                                       
Appealing to spouse, a harried man.                         
                                                            
72892 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The HARRIDAN having tart tongue,                            
By which she spreads harsh words among                      
Her friends and her foes,                                   
As everyone knows                                           
With joy-killing hang-ups is strung.                        
                                                            
72893 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Many a mere man's been stung                                
By HARRIDAN's loud and barbed tongue.                       
And is ever glum                                            
'Cause when he wants "some,"                                
Gets only a limp organ, hung.                               
                                                            
72894 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The entrails reading from HARUSPEX                          
Were oft contorted and quite complex.                       
Liver-shaped Rosetta                                        
Predicted vendetta                                          
In three tongues, as a woman expects.                       
                                                            
72895 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A HARUSPEX of Roman type,                                   
Was known to have one constant gripe.                       
"No ifs, ands, or butts,                                    
I read the best guts,                                       
Yet still just get paid for the tripe!"                     
                                                            
72896 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"You'll never find such a diviner,                          
And augur more major than minor.                            
In truth, best of all,                                      
Crowds come, one and all,                                   
For chitterlings in my sleek diner.                         
                                                            
72897 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The practice of HARUSPICATION,                              
Disgusting form of divination,                              
Is best left to those                                       
Who suck on their toes,                                     
And use liver for masturbation.                             
                                                            
72898 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Picadores still play HASTILUDE,                             
Before Matador does intrude.                                
Only bull must die                                          
On the final try,                                           
Then he becomes Mexican food.                               
                                                            
72899 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



HASTILUDE's considered great sport                          
At many a medieval court.                                   
But sometimes, by chance,                                   
A guy caught a lance,                                       
With quite grievous wounds to report.                       
                                                            
72900 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Mad Monk, in his bragging, tells                        
How he into nuns cloistered cells,                          
And with persuasion slick,                                  
Performed a HAT TRICK,                                      
By scoring with three lonely belles.                        
                                                            
72901 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Three wins in a row make a HAT TRICK;                       
As do three goals by hockey's Patrick.                      
But deflowering belles                                      
Flight of fancy spells,                                     
Since that Mad Monk is geriatric.                           
                                                            
72902 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A monk with no moral criteria                               
Met three nuns in the parish cafeteria.                     
Always thinking of his wick,                                
He set up a HAT TRICK.                                      
Now the convent is close to hysteria.                       
                                                            
72903 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The vacillation we call HAVER                               
May be desired in tuneful flavor,                           
Where soulful vibrato                                       
In subtle legato                                            
Of hemidemisemiquaver.                                      
                                                            
72904 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



While I might an older word savor,                          
When it comes to use the verb HAVER,                        
Though it may be clever                                     
I'm sure that I'll never                                    
Use it, or maybe I'll waver.                                
                                                            
72905 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Slang for detective is HAWKSHAW,                            
Even if Navajo or Choctaw,                                  
Or that clever Holmes                                       
Who's found in our homes,                                   
Though not on the streets of Arkansaw.                      
                                                            
72906 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



HAWKSHAW is the best divorce dick,                          
Naked nabs, his signature trick.                            
When they reach for their clothes,                          
With an awkward pose,                                       
That's when the camera goes 'click'.                        
                                                            
72907 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



HAWKSHAW could well play game of golf                       
Without ever taking pants off;                              
Plaid pants are the style,                                  
Though some folks might smile,                              
They'd not be so rude as to scoff!                          
                                                            
72908 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



A HAWKSHAW  of olde, bumbling sleuth,                       
Worked in a coat of houndstooth.                            
Surreptition was bad,                                       
He wore pants of plaid,                                     
In gaudy display, quite uncouth.                            
                                                            
72909 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Pay attention!  To the past hearken,                        
For when troubles to your door dorken,                      
You will want a Sue                                         
Or some you-know-who                                        
With whom to retire for some sparkin'.                      
                                                            
72910 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There is something that may be said                         
For frolicking in a warm bed,                               
Without HEBETUDE,                                           
But rather in mood                                          
For amorous screwing instead.                               
                                                            
72911 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HEBETUDE is one attitude                                    
That I have not thought to include                          
In my daily life,                                           
Because it was rife                                         
Being screwed, blued, and tattooed!                         
                                                            
72912 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



When lethargy becomes HEBETUDE,                             
Logophilia is not subdued.                                  
But rather it flowers                                       
In greater word powers;                                     
And that's when you know you have it, Dude!                 
                                                            
72913 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In Army, drill sergeant director,                           
To rookies, looms as a spectre.                             
He'll see that you're fed,                                  
And tuck you in bed,                                        
And constantly badger and HECTOR.                           
                                                            
72914 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The bully does harrass and HECTOR                           
The defenseless with no protector;                          
Itching for a fight,                                        
Or forging their flight,                                    
Along some more divergent vector.                           
                                                            
72915 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Liberals view the private sector                            
As a target which they joyfully HECTOR.                     
What they seem to ignore                                    
As does their champion, Gore,                               
It's the mother load for the tax collector.                 
                                                            
72916 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A twenty stone HEFTY lass, mellow,                          
was smitten with hundred pound fellow.                      
He expressed his love                                       
Positioned above,                                           
Like a buoy on a vast sea of Jell-O.                        
                                                            
72917 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The "spinmeisters," with biased slants,                     
Use lies when they roar forth their rants.                  
It's their sleazy job                                       
To promote some slob,                                       
And serve as despised HEIROPHANTS.                          
                                                            
72918 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A HELLKITE is shunned, so 'tis said;                        
A lady who most folks might dread;                          
She may get her way,                                        
But dubious pay.                                            
Result is a cold lonely bed.                                
                                                            
72919 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Happiness never seen the light,                             
Since the great connubial fight                             
'Bout how he got ill                                        
From her cooking skill                                      
And how she'd become a HELLKITE.                            
                                                            
72920 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hitler the HELLKITE caught a Jew;                           
At gunpoint made him eat dog doo.                           
The gun slipped his grasp,                                  
And the Jew it did grasp,                                   
And shouted, "Now it's your turn to..."                     
                                                            
72921 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



As Hitler got to eating, aghast,                            
The old Jew made a getaway fast.                            
Home, he sighed with relief,                                
Says to wife, you won't believe                             
With whom today, I shared breakfast.                        
                                                            
72922 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



The butcher did search for a wife,                          
The HELPMEET of his married life,                           
Who would in bed hop,                                       
Then work in his shop,                                      
And help meat with cleaver and knife.                       
                                                            
72923 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Eight rhyme beats that I savor,                             
HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER,                                         
Belongs to Time's thief,                                    
A note that's so brief,                                     
Amounting to almost a waiver.                               
                                                            
72924 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Frightened sixty-fourth note bravers                        
Of French Horn or trumpet flavors,                          
Would prefer tickling keys                                  
For "Flight of Bumblebee's"                                 
HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVERS.                                        
                                                            
72925 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



HENOTHEISM, as you can see,                                 
Promotes such religiosity,                                  
To many a soul,                                             
At reasonable toll,                                         
Is great ecuminic' P.C.                                     
                                                            
72926 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HENOTHEISM battles most creeds,                             
Against their religionists' needs,                          
Where each god-go-getter                                    
Decides he's much better,                                   
And has all of world-wisdom seeds.                          
                                                            
72927 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The one god of HENOTHEISM                                   
Sounds somewhat like gallitheism,                           
Worshipping chicken                                         
As the pots thicken,                                        
While praying skies don't-hit-me-ism.                       
                                                            
72928 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Belief in one god before others                             
In no way religious smothers;                               
HENOTHEISM                                                  
Tennesseeism,                                               
Even Jack Daniels had his druthers.                         
                                                            
72929 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With Mammon top dog in our V.I.P.s',                        
New HENOTHEISTIC hegemonies,                                
Of Fame, Good Looks, and High Class,                        
(Compassionless Gods, en masse,)                            
They wallow in lucre and felonies.                          
                                                            
72930 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Plant-crunching vegan, HERBIVORE,                           
Munches nuts and seed by the score;                         
My girl Valerie's                                           
Counting calories,                                          
But you should have seen her before.                        
                                                            
72931 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



You'll find grass and veggies galore,                       
In gut of a pure HERBIVORE.                                 
The fiberous mass,                                          
Sure generates gas,                                         
Contributes to earth-warming, more.                         
                                                            
72932 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A bird with a walk, HERKY-JERKY;                            
The gobbler, American turkey.                               
Once nominated,                                             
Very top-rated,                                             
National emblem quite quirky.                               
                                                            
72933 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HERMITAGE, for those who dare,                              
Is place where you find people rare,                        
Who solitude crave                                          
And are willing to brave                                    
The rigors of such pied-a-terre.                            
                                                            
72934 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"HERSTORY' brings consternation;                            
Adds fuel to sex conflagration.                             
Is it not true                                              
That what women do                                          
Is fitfully called MENstruation?                            
                                                            
72935 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Her sexual preference was orthodox                          
With strong predilection for HETERODOX,                     
But if some that she'd see                                  
Had their Ph.D.                                             
And fat purses, she'd swing with the ambi-docs.             
                                                            
72936 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



It is exceedingly HETERODOX                                 
To eat mozzarella with your lox.                            
Unless you're like Chris,                                   
Whose bi-ethnic bliss                                       
Includes menus "outside the box."                           
                                                            
72937 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Against the norm is HETERODOX,                              
But when all choose the unorthodox,                         
Do they not become                                          
The uniform some                                            
Oft running like lemmings off the docks?                    
                                                            
72938 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Young shepherds to good morals hew,                         
Knowing the right thing to do.                              
Their duty to keep                                          
Watch over the sheep,                                       
Not playing the ram to each ewe.                            
                                                            
72939 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Whenever the word HIE is said,                              
It means one should "get out the lead",                     
And move with great speed,                                  
Go real fast, indeed,                                       
Before one more moment has sped.                            
                                                            
72940 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When helping with cures quite terrific,                     
One's given prescription specific;                          
It's written you see,                                       
All quite cryptically,                                      
As medical HIEROGLYPHIC.                                    
                                                            
72941 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some picture symbols HIEROGLYPHIC                           
Are found in caves and on walls cliffic,                    
In Ur and Chaldeas,                                         
Conveying ideas                                             
Semiotics now find pontific.                                
                                                            
72942 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The HIEROPHANT is the chief priest                          
Whose word is law, to say the least,                        
Which must be obeyed                                        
Always, I'm afraid,                                         
Unless you don't believe in the beast.                      
                                                            
72943 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In the boonies I live, HINTERLAND,                          
Where every week, a large biker band,                       
One and all can be seen                                     
Having lunch at the "Bean",                                 
With no hint of assumed contraband.                         
                                                            
72944 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Young lads in the far HINTERLAND,                           
When 'lots of hot chicks' they demand,                      
Will cull out the best                                      
From all of the rest                                        
Of the feathery farmyard band.                              
                                                            
72945 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The inland, rural, or HINTERLAND                            
Is also home to the vintner band                            
Who make our fine wine                                      
(Well some of it's fine).                                   
And hardy souls who can winter stand.                       
                                                            
72946 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A buxom belle from HINTERLAND                               
Was always in greatest demand;                              
In worldly ways wise,                                       
She'd ever surprise                                         
With moves most farm girls understand.                      
                                                            
72947 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Tagalog, tongue of the Philippines,                         
Is not well-known here, by any means.                       
But BOONDOCKS we know                                       
Thanks to GI Joe,                                           
Means HINTERLAND, with pastoral scenes.                     
                                                            
72948 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



America's HINTERLAND, "Boonies,"                            
Is the home to quite a few loonies.                         
They play with their guns                                   
And tattoo their buns,                                      
Hypocritically pursuing Moonies.                            
                                                            
72949 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



To Sally, her sallyport was                                 
A HINTERLAND, far from Eros.                                
So, at his attempt                                          
That port to pre-empt,                                      
Young Sally was pretty damn cross.                          
                                                            
72950 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Mediterranean ladies are cute,                              
Their dark fashing eyes are a beaut;                        
Their faces sink ships,                                     
Save hair above lips,                                       
And axillae all quite HIRSUTE.                              
                                                            
72951 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The unkempt one who is HIRSUTE,                             
In peat-smoked flannels of Knute,                           
Will be seen as a grunge,                                   
In need of deep plunge,                                     
And a big fat horse's patoot.                               
                                                            
72952 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The hair-covered one is HIRSUTE,                            
Takes pains not to appear the brute.                        
Coifed perfectly so,                                        
Designed to show,                                           
The hairy one as more astute.                               
                                                            
72953 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sort of person who wears a black suit,                      
Smokes an occasional cheroot,                               
Drinks single malt neat,                                    
Offers femmes his seat,                                     
And is subject of high tribute.                             
                                                            
72954 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I've gone from a auricle clear;                             
The passage of time, I do fear,                             
Takes hair from my head                                     
And moves it instead,                                       
And leaves me with a HISPID ear.                            
                                                            
72955 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HISPID is like a fly's thorax,                              
Bristle-covered as the Lorax,                               
More like three-day beard                                   
Than hirsute one feared,                                    
Who killed the Kurds with his war axe.                      
                                                            
72956 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



My son once explained it to me.                             
His profs tore his books with some glee.                    
Perhaps you have heard                                      
Where we got the word,                                      
Called "historectomy."                                      
                                                            
72957 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim Weaver Collection    



A hairy, HISTRIONIC hermit,                                 
Preached without getting a permit.                          
When off to jail hauled,                                    
Still ranted and bawled,                                    
Till hoarse, he sounded like Kermit.  (Ribbit!)             
                                                            
72958 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Patients with constipation chronic,                         
Quail at the words "high colonic."                          
A soft heart could bleed;                                   
They quail and they plead;                                  
Behavior that's just HISTRIONIC.                            
                                                            
72959 WORDS - DEFINED                Joanne                   



One could be a wee bit HISTRIONIC                           
When faced with illness chronic,                            
And doctors prescibe                                        
"Roll over on side,"                                        
And treat you with a high colonic.                          
                                                            
72960 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Some screech in a way HISTRIONIC,                           
In decibels oft supersonic;                                 
I'd quick fix propose:                                      
To give each of those                                       
A personal, swift, high colonic.                            
                                                            
72961 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Aging signs, like white hair so HOARY,                      
Mean time has come to enjoy glory,                          
But those creaking knees                                    
And those canities  (white hair at temples)                 
May come early, if you're a Tory.                           
                                                            
72962 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When Willy grows older and HOARY,                           
Tales of Oval Office sex story                              
Will be chipped in stone,                                   
On mountain alone,                                          
Confined to that strange category.                          
                                                            
72963 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The white hairs we think of as hoary,                       
Are signals for oratory.                                    
Though more as from Frost,                                  
Than is Senate lost,                                        
Where speeches often are gory.                              
                                                            
72964 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It would my great dignity rob,                              
If I were now forced to HOBNOB,                             
With some cliquish types,                                   
Accustomed to gripes,                                       
Of my ways of dressing like slob.                           
                                                            
72965 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



There was a young fellow named Carr                         
Who HOBNOBBED with a girl in a bar.                         
He got quite familiar                                       
But when he said "Will ya?"                                 
She told him "You're going to far."                         
                                                            
72966 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Whenever HOBSON'S CHOICE is the call,                       
Whether food or a horse in the stall,                       
On this you can bet:                                        
The best that you'll get                                    
Is never a choice there at all.                             
                                                            
72967 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mr Henry Ford had his voice;                                
Gave customers a Hobson's Choice;                           
Buy a car off the rack                                      
And you'll take it in black,                                
And only at full price invoice.                             
                                                            
72968 WORDS - DEFINED                Tim Schwartz             



With new life inside her, no joke,                          
She talked to a priest who then spoke                       
In a soft gentle voice,                                     
"It's old HOBSON'S CHOICE,                                  
My dear, you must marry the bloke."                         
                                                            
72969 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A slick politician named Brock                              
Conspired and connived round-the-clock.                     
And the HOI POLLOI                                          
All thought this old boy                                    
Is concerned with the fleece, not the flock.                
                                                            
72970 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



The common people, HOI POLLOI,                              
Oft mistakenly do employ                                    
The phrase to mean those                                    
On whom is pinned rose                                      
And who dance all night at Savoy.                           
                                                            
72971 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To HOISE a few beers, inspired                              
Activity, most admired.                                     
Means few elbows bent,                                      
With brew, heaven sent.                                     
No long chains or tackle required.                          
                                                            
72972 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I've heard for a number of years,                           
French ladies hold liquor, my dears,                        
In a manner quite bold,                                     
Or so I am told.                                            
They do it by grabbing the ears!                            
                                                            
72973 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A HOLOPHRASTIC exclamation,                                 
One of the harmless, "Damnation,"                           
Most don't mind a bit,                                      
While others see fit                                        
To blast forth with less moderation.                        
                                                            
72974 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HOLOPHRASTIC expression direct,                             
Not changed by any dialect.                                 
Just saying the                                             
Exclamation "Duh!"                                          
Means, "Stupid!  What did you expect?"                      
                                                            
72975 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



Quyana, Yup'ik Eskimo word,                                 
Most pronounceable I have yet heard,                        
Has meaning of "Thanks";                                    
Put that in word banks,                                     
Holophrastic straight talk, so absurd!                      
                                                            
72976 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Parental advice, HOLY WRIT,                                 
Bon mots that are passed to each kit,                       
Who oft, I suspect,                                         
Though they genuflect,                                      
Do whatever they think that seems fit.                      
                                                            
72977 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some conservatives read HOLY WRIT                           
To mean that their's is the only wit                        
That can know God's mind,                                   
Leaving us to find                                          
Their unclaimed unscented holy shit.                        
                                                            
72978 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sunday comics' HOMILIES tactical,                           
Easy to get and didactical,                                 
With print humor teach                                      
Rules clergy men preach:                                    
Avoid pain.  Be moral.  Be practical.                       
                                                            
72979 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A sermon or lecture or HOMILY,                              
Delivered by head of the fomily,                            
Is often ignored                                            
By kids who grow bored                                      
And do just the opposite nomily.                            
                                                            
72980 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



HOMOGRAPH words have the same spelling,                     
But in different senses are dwelling.                       
It's mean to insist                                         
The mean must enlist,                                       
Even if ranks you are smelling.                             
                                                            
72981 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The feeling of HORRIPILATION                                
Can lead to consternation.                                  
In the pubic area                                           
Where folks are hairier,                                    
It can be mistaken of another sensation.                    
                                                            
72982 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



With sex and guns as titillation,                           
Pop media's got a fixation.                                 
Now nudes and gore                                          
Bring only a snore,                                         
Not exquisite HORRIPILATION.                                
                                                            
72983 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



For HORRIPILATION exquisite,                                
One needs only again to revisit                             
The Hitchcock milieu,                                       
Where gore's not in view                                    
And the sex index high, but implicit.                       
                                                            
72984 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



At the sight of large words, my heart thumps,               
Prepared for liguistic long jumps.                          
Now HORRIPILATION,                                          
Adds to the sensation,                                      
Bringing on bristly goose bumps.                            
                                                            
72985 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A foolish young man in his teens                            
Mixed BB-shot in with his beans.                            
When bad air was forced,                                    
It made a large HORST,                                      
Containing the lead smithereens.                            
                                                            
72986 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Speeches filled with urging HORTATIVE,                      
Of coaches so representative,                               
Are more than they seem,                                    
Not merely, "Go Team,"                                      
But future sucess evocative.                                
                                                            
72987 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



All moral leadership blew he,                               
But, despite the facts that he knew, he                     
Lectured the nation                                         
On each TV station,                                         
With earnest HORTATIVE hooey.                               
                                                            
72988 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HORTATIVES, given advice,                                   
Can either be mean, or be nice.                             
But since most are free,                                    
They usually                                                
Need some review once or twice.                             
                                                            
72989 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The HUCKSTER, when seen in days old,                        
Sold useless things, brass and fool's gold.                 
Today's HUCKSTERS sell                                      
As we all know well,                                        
Politicians, all liars bold.                                
                                                            
72990 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HYDRA. coelenterate tentacular,                             
When magnified is spectacular.                              
No wonder Hercules                                          
With its killing was pleased.                               
Said he, "Hot damn!" in vernacular.                         
                                                            
72991 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



You'd wish that you'd stayed home in bed,                   
Than tackling a HYDRA instead;                              
In tentacles caught,                                        
You struggle for naught --                                  
Ironic, you can't get ahead.                                
                                                            
72992 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Now Phaedra, my maidservant meek                            
Is callow and sallow and weak.                              
Though devoted and kind,                                    
She's vapid of mind --                                      
Not your typical muscle-bound Greek.                        
                                                            
72993 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



You should have been there during my dra-                   
Matic fight with a HYDRA.                                   
A man's strong right arm                                    
May have done it some harm,                                 
But it was just me and poor Phaedra.                        
                                                            
72994 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Young Phaedra just picked up a rake --                      
She knew what to do with a snake --                         
She dealt it two blows                                      
On the end of each nose,                                    
And tossed it off into the lake.                            
                                                            
72995 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Anatomists frequently vote                                  
For their favorite bone in the throat.                      
The HYOID, unmatched                                        
And unattached,                                             
Is the one they're most likely to quote.                    
                                                            
72996 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The human hyoid bone's unique;                              
Large, with no neighbors, a freak.                          
It keeps the larynx                                         
Away from the pharynx,                                      
And achors the tongue while we speak.                       
                                                            
72997 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



The Starr tales were hyper-redactive,                       
Expository and attractive                                   
To news reporters,                                          
Repub supporters,                                           
And scolds of all kinds interactive.                        
                                                            
72998 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



HYPERBOLE, not a canard,                                    
When it's used in haste or off guard.                       
Perhaps my backfire,                                        
Brands speaker a liar.                                      
And then hoist on his own petard.                           
                                                            
72999 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



HYPERBOLE, to tall talk related,                            
Is verbiage quite overstated.                               
A grand selling job                                         
That transforms a slob                                      
To one whose virtues are freighted.  (conveyed)             
                                                            
73000 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Exaggeration, HYPERBOLE,                                    
May seem beyond bounds verbally.                            
But there's no better                                       
Vegan meat setter                                           
Than desser of pie peared herbally.                         
                                                            
73001 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The cold HYPERBOREAN waste                                  
Is not all that much to my taste:                           
Seals, penguins and mullet                                  
All stick in my gullet                                      
And the dress-code is rather too chaste.                    
                                                            
73002 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



HYPERBOREANS I'm told,                                      
Expresss their affections quite bold,                       
By rubbing of noses.                                        
This fact supposes,                                         
Their sex lives are low temp controlled.                    
                                                            
73003 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They chew fat of the whale and the seal,                    
And find such a diet ideal.                                 
Slow pulse it quickens,                                     
Genitals thickens,                                          
As down to their parkas they peel.                          
                                                            
73004 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Inuit belle is pealing,                                 
While anorak she is peeling.                                
But I don't know                                            
What you would show                                         
If on bear skin you're kneeling.                            
                                                            
73005 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A HYPOCHONDRIACAL guy                                       
Sought several new doctors to try.                          
He found at each portal                                     
That he was just mortal,                                    
But later, not sooner, would die.                           
                                                            
73006 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Meanwhile he might live with flat feet,                     
Digest all the food he could eat,                           
Eliminate waste,                                            
Indulge in bad taste,                                       
And visit psychiatrist's suite.                             
                                                            
73007 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Such people may be thin or thick,                           
The ones with this particular tic,                          
But have too few friends                                    
For word at their ends,                                     
But perhaps, "I told you I was sick!"                       
                                                            
73008 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



From the beehive he was to be chased,                       
So the little bee said in haste,                            
"HYPOGEUSIA's the reason                                    
I've no pollen this season.                                 
It ain't my fault I've no buds to taste."                   
                                                            
73009 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



Heard hubby from his sweet wife, chaste,                    
"Cooking for you is a waste,                                
With your HYPOGEUSIA,                                       
I'd happily lose ya',                                       
Telling me I'm an acquired taste!"                          
                                                            
73010 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



HYSTERON PROTERON I'll try,                                 
Though it may leave me dry and high,                        
In a futile search                                          
For a reverse lurch,                                        
Designed to raise loud hue and cry.                         
                                                            
73011 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I love those with IATRIC skill                              
To care for me when I'm ill.                                
But once recovered,                                         
I chafe if discovered                                       
Because they have sent me a bill.                           
                                                            
73012 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The effluvium of gods, ICHOR,                               
A heartening shot from punch spiker,                        
Ought not be confused                                       
With whiskey abused                                         
By hairy beast, Hell's Angel biker.                         
                                                            
73013 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Of ICHOR of Gods, I know not,                               
But that seems from stab wound or shot,                     
I've swabbed in my day,                                     
As man, in his way,                                         
Determines what lives and does not.                         
                                                            
73014 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Watch out for the ICONOCLAST,                               
He, most revered idols will blast.                          
Then fallacies pegs,                                        
Makes omelet of eggs,                                       
And topples the mighty, real fast.                          
                                                            
73015 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Image smasher, ICONOCLAST,                                  
Is by diplomat oft outclassed,                              
And the gadfly's role,                                      
Square peg in round hole,                                   
Makes conscience pricker an outcast.                        
                                                            
73016 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



At first, one must sit back and wait,                       
To inspire and IDEATE,                                      
The essential trick,                                        
To sculpt limerick,                                         
Or any fine art you'd create.                               
                                                            
73017 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A month's middle week oft resides                           
At places the Romans called IDES.                           
We now just count days                                      
Through the lunar phase,                                    
Which varies, along with the tides.                         
                                                            
73018 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'm just about fit to be tied                               
To figure what might be an ide.                             
In happens just once                                        
In each of 12 months,                                       
And most of us take it in stride.                           
                                                            
73019 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



If ides is singular, then                                   
How comes there's an 'S' at the end.                        
If singular, not,                                           
Then I think we've got                                      
To try to squeeze more of them in.                          
                                                            
73020 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



A meaning that I'd never expect                             
Attaches to IDIOLECT.                                       
I thought it, perhaps,                                      
Meant one of the chaps                                      
Who we into Congress select.                                
                                                            
73021 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Regardless of "idiopathic" call,                            
Such ills are disease, after all.                           
Placebos won't do                                           
And the option few,                                         
Are to treat symptioms as they may fall.                    
                                                            
73022 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hypochondriacs always delight                               
Imagining idiopathic blight.                                
They pester their docs                                      
Who say whispered "Pox!"                                    
And wish they would vanish from sight.                      
                                                            
73023 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



When IDIOPATHIC diseases you show,                          
What you get in return for your dough,                      
Is subtle admission                                         
That your tough condition                                   
Must be cause by "What, I don't know."                      
                                                            
73024 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When with IDIOPATHS you must deal,                          
An idea from counterfeiters steal.                          
Prescribe phoney pills                                      
For "no known cause" ills.                                  
Make your patients and cell mates well feel.                
                                                            
73025 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



My back has a syndrome now and then;                        
It won't get out of bed before ten.                         
This odd IDIOPATHY                                          
Earns me no sympathy;                                       
In fact, my doc threw me out once again.                    
                                                            
73026 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A set of bad pols might just shame us,                      
And so will posterity blame us;                             
The voters, you see,                                        
Picked the electee,                                         
The little-choice IGNORAMUS.                                
                                                            
73027 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



His wife needed little ILLIATION                            
To figure the rash situation.                               
While hubby explained                                       
Erection was feigned                                        
And bar maid was for conversation.                          
                                                            
73028 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Fed Bank says we have no inflation,                     
Which results in investor elation.                          
The stock market climbs                                     
As in other times,                                          
But are we drawing the wrong ILLIATION?                     
                                                            
73029 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



When IMBIBITION's done by sipping,                          
It was thought that madam was not tippling.                 
But, nevertheless,                                          
Her eyes, I confess,                                        
Were glazed and her gait somewhat tripping.                 
                                                            
73030 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though mere drinking is IMBIBITION,                         
It's not done in circles patrician,                         
Where one does partake,                                     
Not quaff like a rake,                                      
Even in times of prohibition.                               
                                                            
73031 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



IMBROGLIO can be result                                     
Of careless word of insult.                                 
Either turn other cheek                                     
Or legal help seek,                                         
And with a lawyer consult!                                  
                                                            
73032 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Priestly talents in IMMANENCE                               
Must not remain in IMMINENCE,                               
But fully exercised,                                        
If dreamed be realized:                                     
Become Monsignor Eminence.                                  
(intrinsic) (impending)                                     
73033 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Man's IMMANENT urge to a Miss,                              
As someone to fondle and kiss,                              
Amidst hormone yells                                        
His nether part swells,                                     
No danger, just IMMINENT bliss.                             
(inhernet) (about to happen)                                
73034 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



That man's IMMINENT eminence                                
Ought not be given prominence,                              
For such attention                                          
Aids his intention                                          
With Miss: emanant sememence.                               
(about to happen)                                           
73035 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In U.S. we sleep well, secure,                              
Since we've the good snse to IMMURE                         
Two million felons,                                         
Who misused their melons,                                   
And strayed from the path straight and pure.                
                                                            
73036 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though secure behind high walls, IMMURE,                    
Another problem arises sure,                                
For what does one do                                        
With all the doo-doo                                        
That will pile up like so much manure?                      
                                                            
73037 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Today it ain't quite suitable                               
To express this thought IMMUTABLE.                          
From the ancients wise,                                     
In Occident's eyes,                                         
Orientals are all quite inscrutable.                        
                                                            
73038 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Old teachings were all IMMUTABLE,                           
'Til Copernicus proved quite able                           
To show that the sun                                        
Is the center of fun;                                       
Spaceships, rockets, now commutable.                        
                                                            
73039 WORDS - DEFINED                Gene                     



Congressional issues beside,                                
This unworthy one should deride.                            
IMPEACHMENT faction's                                       
Congressional action's                                      
Pain in our collective backside.                            
                                                            
73040 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Your verse is at once perfect foil,                         
For Dems who would let Willy soil,                          
The office he sits.                                         
Analogy fits,                                               
Let's lance the painful rectal boil.                        
                                                            
73041 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A gent of IMPECCABLE taste                                  
Decided to live life quite chaste.                          
But one day it seems                                        
Met the girl of his dreams;                                 
Now thinks celibacy is a waste                              
                                                            
73042 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She slathered on sun screen, detectable;                    
Wore umbrella-sized hats, unwreckable.                      
Flaunted skin unblemished.                                  
Said as she was Flemish,                                    
Her skin was, therefore, quite unfreckable.                 
                                                            
73043 WORDS - DEFINED                Luana Nemaste            



Fully blocked IMPERFORATE anus,                             
Life incompatible like Janus,                               
Will bring for and aft                                      
Proctologist's craft,                                       
For space travel, toward Uranus.                            
                                                            
73044 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



That blocked IMPERFORATE anus,                              
Will make one behave like canis;                            
It's easily seen                                            
What makes him so mean                                      
And guilty of high crimes heinous.                          
                                                            
73045 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Impulsive passion IMPETUOUS                                 
Left unbridled is promiscuous,                              
And if still unchecked,                                     
Careers will be wrecked;                                    
Body parts will seem deciduous.                             
                                                            
73046 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An IMPETUOUS youth, Handsome Dan,                           
Married the beautiful Anne.                                 
They slept well together,                                   
Were birds of a feather,                                    
Just look what the flirting began.                          
                                                            
73047 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Three wonderful daughters they've got,                      
Two sons-in-law, like 'em or not,                           
With one bride to go,                                       
I'm sure they'll soon know,                                 
They're next in the grandparents slot.                      
                                                            
73048 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When a guy meets a girl and he flirts,                      
He may end up with his just desserts.                       
For a night he's a king,                                    
With IMPETUOUS fling,                                       
Then discovered that love comes in spurts.                  
                                                            
73049 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



There were two IMPLACABLE foes;                             
In eternal war they were froze.                             
Each fought to the end,                                     
Unable to mend,                                             
Till both finished with turned up toes.                     
                                                            
73050 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



IMPOLITIC, it would appall a tick,                          
A flea on a canine to call a tick.                          
If, in ranking of pest,                                     
You say flea is the best,                                   
Well, that's a sure way you can gall a tick.                
                                                            
73051 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim Drew                 



Slick Willy won't resign so soon,                           
Instead, will Senate IMPORTUNE,                             
To cop better plea,                                         
And dance earnestly,                                        
To harsh censorship's giddy tune.                           
                                                            
73052 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"I'm pregnable," presaged her dress;                        
Could that in itself, impute "Yes?"                         
With judo black belt,                                       
She stayed, although svelte,                                
Impregnable, nevertheless.                                  
                                                            
73053 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



The opera boss, IMPRESARIO,                                 
With women was a lothario,                                  
So it's no surprise                                         
That they scream of lies                                    
Together in full tessitario.                                
(full melodic voice)                                        
73054 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The surname that was given to me,                           
"Papa," most inevitably                                     
Will mean, when I'm sure,                                   
My IMPRIMATUR                                               
Amounts to a Papal decree.                                  
                                                            
73055 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sir Winston, well known for wit dark,                       
His quips repeatedly found their mark;                      
When questioned, he said,                                   
"Well, to keep on ahead,                                    
I just plan my impromptu remark."                           
                                                            
73056 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



A guy good at IMPROMPTU wit                                 
Fell flat in a chat with a twit;                            
His bon mots so swell                                       
Like lead balloons fell                                     
With every dull, "I don't get it."                          
                                                            
73057 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



And though it's like "pearls before swine,"                 
Or dunking hot dogs in good wine,                           
Our limericks we send                                       
To who knows what end,                                      
Though surely We think they're divine.                      
                                                            
73058 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She wanted divorce, was the rumor;                          
She said he did often IMPUGN her.                           
He meant not to dis;                                        
The problem was this:                                       
They had not the same sense of humor.                       
                                                            
73059 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The Dems will poor Dubya IMPUGN                             
For starting Iraq war to soon.                              
'Cause they'd rather wait                                   
Until it's too late,                                        
Like when they thought we were immune.                      
                                                            
73060 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If integrity you would IMPUGN,                              
Be sure your arguments are in tune.                         
For if you neglect                                          
Any facts suspect,                                          
You may be hung on points picaynue.                         
                                                            
73061 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



At times I would like to IMPUGN                             
The singers of that too trite tune;                         
"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes",                                  
Just give's me the sighs.                                   
I hope I don't hear it too soon.                            
                                                            
73062 WORDS - DEFINED                Harold                   



The members of Congress IMPUGN,                             
Colleagues in that large commune,                           
While each career grows,                                    
They'll not come to blows,                                  
But sing the sweet hypocrit's tune.                         
                                                            
73063 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The way not to make a girl swoon                            
Is to bludgeon with words or IMPUGN                         
In verse or in prose;                                       
Try, rather, a rose                                         
And the sight of the midsummer moon.                        
                                                            
73064 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



IMPUISSANCE no more, I'll have power.                       
He schemed as he thought of her dower;                      
Before banns, his jig up;                                   
She insisted, "Pre-nup."                                    
He signed but he rued plan gone sour.                       
                                                            
73065 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



He thought he'd INALIENABLE right,                          
Like that practiced on wedding night;                       
Instead he was stumped,                                     
By "bad headache" trumped.                                  
So he found himself damsel of night.                        
                                                            
73066 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The practice of droit du seigneur,                          
Was common in dark days of yore,                            
Before smart DNA's                                          
INALIENABLE gaze,                                           
Could point out who's the dad for sure.                     
                                                            
73067 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The blood red pink of INCARNADINE                           
Just might be evidence brigandine                           
Of the Hannigan's                                           
Teen's shenanigans                                          
Behind steamed windows in car, Nadine.                      
                                                            
73068 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The virtue of brides is complete                            
Only, in some ethnic street,                                
If after first night,                                       
There's confirming sight                                    
Of an INCARNADINE sheet.                                    
                                                            
73069 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



This is a stanza, a prime example,                          
Of a limerick that is nonample.                             
If you discover one,                                        
INCHOATE for fun,                                           
Just curse, because it is a sample.                         
(incoherent)                                                
73070 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



Perot chooses Choate as running mate.                       
Though he may suffer VP's fate.                             
At least, as we heard,                                      
He turns a good word.                                       
In Econ he's not INCHOATE.                                  
(incoherent)                                                
73071 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There's INCHOATE like those of mine,                        
That end a line without a rhyme.                            
I get excited                                               
With eight syllables righted,                               
And forget I need rhyme all the time.                       
(incoherent)                                                
73072 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



I once knew a struggling poet                               
Who tried to rhyme INCHOATE.                                
The result was a hash;                                      
He broke out in a rash                                      
And his wife said, "Wouldn't you know it!"                  
                                                            
73073 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



My emerging career as a poet                                
Is best described as INCHOATE.                              
I can do the trick                                          
With a limerick,                                            
But if I tried a sonnet, I'd blow it!                       
                                                            
73074 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



To those with an INCHOATE view                              
Of ideas that are recent and new,                           
I'd like to declare                                         
What comes with white hair,                                 
Is state where you don't have a clue.                       
                                                            
73075 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INCHOATE, the imperfect form,                               
For some folks, is the thinking norm.                       
They speak, I do fear,                                      
Without brains "in gear",                                   
And spew forth nonsensical storm.                           
                                                            
73076 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INCHOATE often gets my goat,                                
Implying need for learning rote.                            
If one would know it,                                       
To become more choate;                                      
Why should the prep school be called Choate?                
(incoherent)                                                
73077 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



INCHOATE, unfinished, chaotic,                              
Virtual, unreal, abiotic,                                   
Down-market and boring,                                     
The Web leaves me snoring,                                  
Though some people find it hypnotic.                        
                                                            
73078 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



When into the house mailman strode,                         
To drop post for open abode,                                
The lady was shocked                                        
Since she wan't frocked                                     
And consequently INCOMMODE.                                 
                                                            
73079 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If you're INCONNU then you're a stranger;                   
The usage implies certain danger.                           
Could be a new friend                                       
Around the next bend,                                       
Or maybe just a babe in a manger.                           
                                                            
73080 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



Congress, INCORRIGIBLE lot,                                 
Even with lives on the spot,                                
Will politics play,                                         
With our Nation's fray?                                     
Always ready for elections hot.                             
                                                            
73081 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To investigate we INDAGATE,                                 
A concept that's hard to indicate                           
When the local gang                                         
Would prefer to hang                                        
Their rivals and their wrongs vindicate.                    
                                                            
73082 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



INDEFEASIBLE things are quite rare,                         
Since on Earth, there's little that's fair.                 
With no hope for cure,                                      
Death, taxes are sure.                                      
Other pledges just vanish in air.                           
                                                            
73083 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INDICIA markings often pass                                 
For postage stamps by office brass;                         
Use by mailers bulk                                         
Has brought me to sulk:                                     
Practice isn't really first class.                          
                                                            
73084 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



INDICIA, a scanner inspects,                                
Need for right postage corrects,                            
I think It might say,                                       
In a fancy way,                                             
Italian wording for "index".                                
                                                            
73085 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INDIGENCE, a word with allure,                              
Genteel way to describe the "poor".                         
It leads some to say                                        
In a poetic way,                                            
That INDUSTRY's the only cure.                              
                                                            
73086 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When to better half I note indite,                          
My penmanship, spouse calls "a sight".                      
"Looks like tracks of a tern,                               
Meanings I can't discern,                                   
But you write like a good doctor might."                    
                                                            
73087 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A message to his love he'd write;                           
A poem he thought he'd INDITE.                              
It's torrid hot text                                        
Was quite oversexed,                                        
And more than a bit impolite.                               
                                                            
73088 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In "Droit de seigneur," feudal state,                       
The Lord would get chance to play mate                      
In his old bed room,                                        
Instead of the groom,                                       
Whose wife he'd INDOCTRINATE.                               
                                                            
73089 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In the twenties, the state of INEBRIETY                     
Was the hallmark of high society.                           
Then came the repeal                                        
Along with New Deal,                                        
And Depression, all cause for sobriety.                     
                                                            
73090 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



If drunkeness be INEBRIETY,                                 
As say the masters of our piety,                            
They let us all watch                                       
Our intake of Scotch:                                       
A wee dram of every variety.                                
                                                            
73091 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An American lush in Paris,                                  
In constant INEBRIETY,                                      
"J'aime plus du rouge vin,                                  
Et bouve all I can.                                         
The result, I make lots of oui, oui!"                       
                                                            
73092 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Oui, Oui, vin rouge drunk to satiety                        
Will certainly outrage society.                             
But 'tis good for the heart                                 
And provides a good start                                   
For enjoying a night's inebriety.                           
                                                            
73093 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



When untinkable thoughts filled her head                    
Just as she was dozing in bed,                              
She got quite a fright,                                     
Sat up, turned on the light,                                
And "F. the INEFFABLE!" said.                               
                                                            
73094 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



The "F Word" cannot be used here.                           
On this point, friend Dan is quite clear.                   
Though it shackles my wit,                                  
I will have to submit,                                      
My INEFFABLE thoughts are sincere.                          
                                                            
73095 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



He spoke of INEFFABLE love,                                 
And swore to the heavens above,                             
The girl he would marry,                                    
But he didn't tarry                                         
At altar, when push came to shove.                          
                                                            
73096 WORDS - DEFINED                Chrris Papa              



It's better to give him the gate,                           
When groom to the wedding is late,                          
Without an excuse.                                          
Since further abuse                                         
Seems bride's INELUCTABLE fate.                             
                                                            
73097 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INELUCTABLE: Word I can't sever                             
From book, which if read, takes forever:                    
James Joyce's Ulysses                                       
Is not read by sissies.                                     
If you do, you can't help feeling clever.                   
                                                            
73098 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



It could be a sign of the times;                            
To know I'd give nickels and dimes;                         
That male members seem                                      
To pop up on this team,                                     
INELUCTABLE part of the rhymes.                             
                                                            
73099 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



The new bride, hesitant and coy,                            
Suprised at the size of spouse's "toy",                     
Took a cautious tack,                                       
But soon settled back.                                      
Result: INELUCTABLE joy!                                    
                                                            
73100 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



One can't avoid INELUCTABLE;                                
Momentum's indestructible,                                  
So make best of hope                                        
When knotting your rope;                                    
Remember costs are deductible.                              
                                                            
73101 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



George Dubya once lived in the sticks                       
Of Texas, where some of the hicks                           
To make a word stronger                                     
Or maybe just longer,                                       
Syllables extra would INFIX.                                
                                                            
73102 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Love frantically fanned Frankie's fame;                     
Johnny was her boyfriend's name.                            
Affair was star-crossed,                                    
In jail she was tossed,                                     
This trusting INGENUOUS dame.                               
                                                            
73103 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A ravishing tumbler, ingenuous,                             
Began a program quite strenuous,                            
But found, on the beam,                                     
That a key costume seam                                     
Found its grip on integrity tenuous.                        
                                                            
73104 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim Drew                 



When rising to a turgid state,                              
Dave sought not to INGRATIATE                               
Himself with warm dame,                                     
He played the old game                                      
Returning to his stone-cold mate.                           
                                                            
73105 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Poor Dave, social outcast, would wait,                      
In bars, to INGRATIATE                                      
Himself to a lass,                                          
But his manner crass,                                       
Left him to his lonely fate.                                
                                                            
73106 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



His fawning might work, I suppose,                          
Except, when in young Love's throes,                        
Grin he'd not erase,                                        
Nor look at girl's face,                                    
Admiring and ogling at THOSE.                               
                                                            
73107 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Young male and female combination                           
Starts out as a simple flirtation,                          
But then comes the marriage,                                
And then baby carriage...                                   
An INIMICAL situation!                                      
                                                            
73108 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



Malevolence is INIMICAL                                     
To our long friendships alchymical.                         
We turn lead into gold                                      
Before dead or old,                                         
Searching for rhymes homonymical.                           
                                                            
73109 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The blow to a man's INION                                   
Produces stars lit up on neon.                              
But the whole effect,                                       
Unconscious direct,                                         
He's out for the rest of the eon.                           
(bump on back of skull)                                     
73110 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When INION produces a doldrum,                              
Recall life is but a conundrum.                             
What results is but inium                                   
When from conominium                                        
We peel off the pro-tective condom.                         
(bump on back of skull)                                     
73111 WORDS - DEFINED                Naz Simonelli            



You can always tell a greenhorn,                            
Because now and than an inkhorn                             
Term creeps into speech.                                    
And you just can't teach                                    
Him to talk just like the nativeborn.                       
                                                            
73112 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



Chairman of the Federal Reserve,                            
Was INSOUCIANT: Steady nerve.                               
Change the interest rate,                                   
Economy's fate;                                             
Just take a Valium for verve.                               
(no anxiety)                                                
73113 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



There was an INSOUCIANT Doc,                                
Who operated 'round the clock.                              
It bothered him not,                                        
If a patient death caught,                                  
He'd just take more Valium and walk.                        
(no anxiety)                                                
73114 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



Those you describe as INSOUCIANT                            
Are, perhaps, merely inscrutiant,                           
With good understanding                                     
Of how life's demanding,                                    
Hewing to precepts Confuciant.                              
(no anxiety)                                                
73115 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Since U.S. INSTAURATION,                                    
Legislators of the Nation,                                  
Have struggled to heed                                      
The wise founder's creed,                                   
Besotted with perks of their station.                       
                                                            
73116 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INSUPERABLE or so it seems,                                 
It's always been one of my dreams                           
To make Donald Trump                                        
Look like a sad chump,                                      
For going broke backing my schemes.                         
                                                            
73117 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



In caring for friends, Dub's INSUPERABLE,                   
As long as his care is recoupable,                          
In campaign fund bills                                      
To cure image ills,                                         
And when with the rich they are groupable.                  
                                                            
73118 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



To your INTEGUMENT, or hide                                 
Proper cover should be applied.                             
Lest your internals                                         
Become infernals,                                           
Keep them watered from the inside.                          
                                                            
73119 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Protecting skin, INTEGUMENT,                                
Staves off those microbes virulent.                         
Keeps insides in, no doubt,                                 
As well as outsides out,                                    
Until in death to dregs you went.                           
                                                            
73120 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INTEGUMENT, long word for skin,                             
Such as your body's wrapped in,                             
Gone, it loses,                                             
Important juices,                                           
And battles your body can't win.                            
                                                            
73121 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



So when outside in this heat,                               
By sweating, your skin will excrete                         
Plenty of water.                                            
So you should just ought'er                                 
Grab two pints and put up your feet.                        
                                                            
73122 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Eskimos INTENERATE fur,                                     
To ward off the harsh Arctic brrr,                          
On skin underneath.                                         
Its hard on their teeth,                                    
And smiles that the dentists prefer.                        
                                                            
73123 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INTENERATE is what Inupiat do                               
To make a mukluk (that's a shoe).                           
That hide that's so tough,                                  
They chew it enough                                         
So it can be stitched with sinew.                           
                                                            
73124 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



INTERCOSTAL takes a ribbing,                                
As the pleura it is cribbing;                               
That space does tickle,                                     
If she's not fickle                                         
Or given to stone-faced fibbing.                            
                                                            
73125 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



'Twixt ribs INTERCOSTAL resides,                            
No place that is subject to tides,                          
Of friends I am boastal,                                    
Who live INTERCOASTAL,                                      
And take me on fishing boat rides.                          
                                                            
73126 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Each day these new words out you crank,                     
And usually for them, you I'll thank.                       
But I'm thinking "Good Grief!"                              
What is this "INTERLEAF?"                                   
I'm sorry; I'm drawing a blank.                             
                                                            
73127 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Internal conflicts INTERNECINE                              
Oft have consequences unforeseen;                           
A tattered nation                                           
In conflagration,                                           
As seen after kerosened Essenes.                            
                                                            
73128 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When question mark seems just to flat,                      
Then add an INTERROBANG fat,                                
And emphasis lend,                                          
To your sentence end.                                       
It works! Now, how about that?!                             
                                                            
73129 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



INTERSTICE of men's interests,                              
Resides in the cleft 'tween the breasts,                    
Of their lady fair,                                         
Though delta gains share                                    
Of such voyeuristic contests.                               
                                                            
73130 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I once knew a sodden detective,                             
Who wanted a fresh new perspective.                         
He went to the slums                                        
To hang with the bums,                                      
And learned some new forms of INVECTIVE.                    
                                                            
73131 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric I Seaberg           



I am now bemused and reflective;                            
Unamused as I search for directive                          
For brain cells to blend                                    
Toward a sumptious end,                                     
In search of a brand new invective.                         
                                                            
73132 WORDS - DEFINED                Luana Nemaste            



The f-word's become one big yawn                            
And so overused, it's time to move on.                      
When was it we heard                                        
A new dirty word.                                           
Hey Invective, it's high time to spawn!                     
                                                            
73133 WORDS - DEFINED                Luana Nemaste            



Against Gore they are inveighing,                           
E-mail with Gore's lies they're weighing.                   
Dirty GOP                                                   
Using tricks you see;                                       
Effective game they are playing.                            
                                                            
73134 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



Bill thought perks of office were great.                    
Pizzas to INVIGLIATE,                                       
Delivered en thong,                                         
With a siren song,                                          
From intern who other things ate.                           
                                                            
73135 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I think one has to think straight                           
And be quite INVIGLIATE,                                    
Else you have no assurance                                  
When you deal with insurance,                               
That your premiums are up to date!                          
                                                            
73136 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Therefore, here's my advice:                                
I think 'twould be very nice                                
If they'd cut the red tape;                                 
We would all be agape!                                      
Legalese could be read in a trice.                          
                                                            
73137 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



IOTA, small lot, just a germ,                               
When comes to acceptance of sperm,                          
May be just a drop                                          
From boyfriend on top,                                      
Leads to other "wee thing" at full term.                    
                                                            
73138 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A dwarf of real IRACUND fame,                               
Did live with that sweet Snow White dame,                   
In the old tale of yore,                                    
Most irked to his core,                                     
And Grumpy was miscreant's name.                            
                                                            
73139 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Since Columbine came on the scene,                          
We're addressing the groups that are mean.                  
IRENIC we need,                                             
As teachers will plead.                                     
Our morals have grown rather lean.                          
                                                            
73140 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Aunt Irene, who loved gin and tonic,                        
Was frequently tart and ironic.                             
Venting spleen, she was splenic                             
And never IRENIC                                            
And her rages were almost symphonic.                        
                                                            
73141 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



There one was a poor schizophrenic,                         
Who wished for a life more serenic.                         
He never could tell                                         
Which voice came from Hell,                                 
Or which led to thoughts more IRENIC.                       
                                                            
73142 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To help him respond to despair,                             
Of Prozac, he takes quite a share.                          
It brings peace of mind,                                    
This medicine kind;                                         
Unchanged, he just hasn't a care.                           
                                                            
73143 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Incongruous statements, IRISH BULL,                         
Often confirm that the wit is not full.                     
Yet they're so pregnant                                     
That laughters regnant,                                     
And we'll not think of that one as dull.                    
                                                            
73144 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



IRREDENTIST, don't think dental pain,                       
But more like attempt to regain                             
Some land lost before,                                      
And is now point sore,                                      
To one who'd erase such a stain.                            
                                                            
73145 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bon mots are wise saying, real cute,                        
IRREFRAGABLES hard to refute,                               
Like "Haste makes waste."                                   
"No accounting for taste."                                  
And "From ugly trees grows sweet fruit."                    
                                                            
73146 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The common folks out in the street,                         
"Irregardless" use as adverb neat;                          
REGARDLESS, however,                                        
Is surely more clever,                                      
The thinking man's truncated treat.                         
                                                            
73147 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Fools IRRUPT where angels will not go;                      
Wake sleeping dogs, seeds of chaos sow.                     
With narrow view                                            
Of what to do,                                              
Think just force will vanquish the foe.                     
                                                            
73148 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Explosively bursting-in, to IRRUPT,                         
Is angry father's way to disrupt                            
An evening's seduction                                      
Of his tax deduction,                                       
In hopes of foreshortening abrupt.                          
                                                            
73149 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When he seemed immersed deep in prayer,                     
In his mind, the Mad Monk might share                       
Ideas of a sort                                             
Of different sport;                                         
ITHYPHALLIC smile he would wear.                            
                                                            
73150 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



At the mound in his trousers she stared;                    
No embarrassment would he be spared.                        
Then she asked with a grin,                                 
Pointing to his linchpin,                                   
"Ithyphallic?" as if she really cared.                      
                                                            
73151 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



The festivals Bacchanalic,                                  
Roman era and italic,                                       
Feature food and wine                                       
And women supine,                                           
With gentlemen ITHYPHALLIC,                                 
                                                            
73152 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



In our life, coffee's never JAMOKE,                         
But rather the street-resident bloke,                       
Whose run-ins with cops                                     
In stations and shops                                       
Seem to cause the denizens to choke.                        
                                                            
73153 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In government, it's not contrary                            
With being a pol JANISSARY.                                 
You vote with no sense                                      
Nor have a conscience,                                      
Make policy poor and quite scary.                           
                                                            
73154 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



JAWBONING, a technique quite crass,                         
With appeals through the popular mass,                      
A dangerous sport,                                          
When done by the sort                                       
Of pol with 'jawbone of an ass.'                            
                                                            
73155 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I told my classes that JAWBONING,                           
When inflation is out on the wing,                          
Won't do any good,                                          
Be it understood,                                           
Market forces are stronger than king.                       
                                                            
73156 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



JAWBONING's coercion's close clone,                         
Like wheedling funds via phone.                             
If legal or not,                                            
It helps fill the pot,                                      
But depletes our good moral tone.                           
                                                            
73157 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



LBJ, well know for JAWBONING,                               
Would leave them in the aisles moaning,                     
Quizzically wondering                                       
At inept blundering,                                        
Which them demanded atoning.                                
                                                            
73158 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In youth, love making is mellow,                            
When you're a well endowed fellow,                          
But time alone brings                                       
A change in some things,                                    
And then your endowment is JELL-O.                          
                                                            
73159 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



JELL-O is soluble collagen,                                 
Promoted by Cosby paladin,                                  
Strange comestible,                                         
Made ingestible                                             
By flavors, jingles, comic djinn.                           
                                                            
73160 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Enjoy JELL-O then, while gobbling,                          
As off to your dinner you're hobbling.                      
It's still a big deal,                                      
Your mouth get to feel,                                     
Something soft, nice, and wobbling.                         
                                                            
73161 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Yes, Age is a bit of undoing,                               
Just simple every chewing,                                  
Becomes a real chore,                                       
The diet in store,                                          
Not steak, but JELL-O a brewing.                            
                                                            
73162 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



JEREMIAD will make weary ears,                              
And bring the poor listener to tears,                       
With long tales of woe,                                     
And "I told you so!",                                       
Ad infinitum, for years.                                    
                                                            
73163 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A JEREMIAD understood                                       
Directed at ways to be good,                                
By raising such fears                                       
That cotton in ears                                         
Is needed to do what you should.                            
                                                            
73164 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"To Jericho!", I'll save for the ladies,                    
The Emilys, Anns, and Mercedes,                             
Informing a fate                                            
Of having to wait,                                          
Or else to just hie to the Hades.                           
                                                            
73165 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The remote walled-city, JERICHO,                            
Holds many who'd hide where to go.                          
Though walls may crumble                                    
From horn blasts humble,                                    
It's not a place I'd tarry so.                              
                                                            
73166 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It's not only ladies who go                                 
To domestic state's hell, JERICHO.                          
When hubby shuts up,                                        
Withoholding his tup,                                       
It's reversal of roles, don't you know?                     
                                                            
73167 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



JESUIT priests use casuistry,                               
Rationalization, and sophistry                              
To foibles explain                                          
And faithful retain,                                        
In folds of religious artistry.                             
                                                            
73168 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Once that the country all knew it,                          
Sad fact is that Monica blew it;                            
With no sex life left,                                      
Slick Willy bereft,                                         
Enlisted as novice JESUIT.                                  
                                                            
73169 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Daughter, shun the JEUNESSE DOREE.                          
From that fast crowd, please stay away!                     
You may like their cars                                     
And nights in the bars,                                     
But to them you are just a quick lay.                       
                                                            
73170 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I once hung with the JEUNESSE DOREE;                        
Now I run with the foxes, quite grey.                       
I still drive fast cars,                                    
And cruise single bars,                                     
And take Viagra with One-A-Day.  (vitamins)                 
                                                            
73171 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Gilded young people, JEUNESSE DOREE,                        
With time and gold for any foray,                           
Think nothing of dashing                                    
Through fountains and splashing                             
Some vicars, then shouting "Ole!"                           
                                                            
73172 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Just look at our JEUNESSE DOREE;                            
Their habit of fashion today,                               
Are loose fitting clothes,                                  
And little of those;                                        
Expensive but sloppy display.                               
                                                            
73173 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Youth of wealth's fashion, JEUNESSE DOREE,                  
Often go shopping in dress foray,                           
Then buy pasties round                                      
For sums that astound,                                      
Going naked as vicious Moray.                               
                                                            
73174 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Limericks are JOCOSE at their best,                         
When from jocular brains they are wrest.                    
They are worthy of laughs                                   
Unless poetic gaffes;                                       
Which won't pass the "jest test"!                           
                                                            
73175 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



She didn't know how to appease                              
Mer mom's seething ire, if you please,                      
When in girl's room she found                               
Hung from bed post around,                                  
A pair of a young man's JOC UNDies.                         
                                                            
73176 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A prankster, a real JOCUND jerk,                            
Devoted to devious work,                                    
Elicited chaffs,                                            
More often than laughs;                                     
Now lives all alone with his smirk.                         
                                                            
73177 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



JOHN BARLEYCORN is pleasure giver,                          
Except that he'll take you down-river                       
And bad acts expose.                                        
He'll redden your nose,                                     
Then leave you a cirrhotic liver.                           
                                                            
73178 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The trouble with JOHN BARLEYCORN                            
Lies in remains of after morn,                              
when contents of head                                       
Seem approaching dead,                                      
And you wish you'd never been born.                         
                                                            
73179 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



While Hillary stumps New York hills,                        
Entrancing each Dem jont she fills,                         
The places she gets                                         
In government jets                                          
Is 'cause JOHN Q PUBLIC pays the bills.                     
                                                            
73180 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Average Joe is JOHN Q PUBLIC,                               
Heart and soul of our dear republic,                        
Whom pol hand some Spam                                     
Dressed up like a ham,                                      
And see reactions only bubblic.                             
                                                            
73181 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Unhalting force is the JUGGERNAUT,                          
The image of which is overwrought.                          
So kids are afeared                                         
Of a man with the beard,                                    
Who flies through night like an astronaut.                  
                                                            
73182 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I asked if she wanted a hug or not?                         
She told me she'd rather I'd bug her not.                   
But my strong libido,                                       
Knows just what I need.  Oh!                                
The damn thing is just like a JUGGERNAUT.                   
                                                            
73183 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The most charming fetish, a JUJU,                           
Is cherished by people of Voodoo,                           
Whose lives it does guide                                   
Through magic inside,                                       
Without frills, flamboyance or froufrou.                    
                                                            
73184 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



JEJUNE is not for a winner,                                 
Something sore lacking, and thinner,                        
Deciding to make,                                           
Instead of a steak,                                         
The tooth pick the focus of dinner.                         
                                                            
73185 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of classic beauties JUNOESQUE,                              
There is a vigor rubenesque.                                
Though lost for a while,                                    
It's now regaining style,                                   
Not merely some flashy burlesque.                           
                                                            
73186 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The distaff contingent we vex                               
Without rhymes about full-figured sex.                      
But could they make funny,                                  
A stud with no money                                        
And flabby and ill-defined pecs?                            
                                                            
73187 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



A fellow should never berate                                
A JUNOESQUE woman with weight.                              
Though she may be wide,                                     
You'll damage her pride                                     
And harm her emotional state.                               
                                                            
73188 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



If you would just give her a chance,                        
She might be real good at romance.                          
Love her for her brain,                                     
Forget the weight gain,                                     
And never laugh at her expanse!                             
                                                            
73189 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



The cabal has become the JUNTO                              
Who can conspire wherever they go                           
And do what they wish                                       
Whenever they fish                                          
Comparing stories and tales of woe.                         
                                                            
73190 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



On Retin-A bathing I'm bent,                                
All will be JUVENESCENT,                                    
Scenario played;                                            
The wrinkles will fade,                                     
All ready for lechers descent.                              
                                                            
73191 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Growing more youthful, JUVENESCENT,                         
A marvelous antidepressant,                                 
Brings, nevertheless,                                       
Great strain and duress                                     
To Dorian's image candescent.                               
                                                            
73192 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A senior who felt obsolescent,                              
Dyed her hair a bright iridescent.                          
She said, "It beguiles,                                     
And elicits smiles,                                         
And makes me feel so JUVENESCENT!"                          
                                                            
73193 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



In this age of sound bytes on TV's                          
Politics, enmeshed in the disease                           
Of huge bucks to get in                                     
The political swim;                                         
The result is KAKISTOCRACIES.                               
                                                            
73194 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Mankind has never been wise,                                
Prefering to cover its eyes.                                
Even the democracies                                        
Are KAKISTOCRACIES,                                         
Run by the very wrong guys.                                 
                                                            
73195 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



For Greek KALENDS substitute "never".                       
Beyond that don't try to be clever.                         
When his emotions stand still,                              
Just give him the chill                                     
And tell him, "'Twill be hardly ever!"                      
                                                            
73196 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Parts just in time, production KANBAN,                      
As "I Love Lucy" making bon bons,                           
No time to be chuffed,                                      
The candy was stuffed                                       
In places insecure from Don Juan.                           
                                                            
73197 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



After months in a far outback fort,                         
Aussies were good for a last resort.                        
They judged the women                                       
Who were there swimmin'                                     
And would even a kangaroo court.                            
                                                            
73198 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The phrase one might use is, "Aw, shoot,"                   
When best of laid dreams won't take root,                   
And schemes that you've planned                             
Are well out of hand,                                       
And morsels of hope go KAPUT.                               
                                                            
73199 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Have your morsels of hope gone KAPUT?                       
Has the angel of your dreams fallen mute?                   
Don't give up, my friend;                                   
Fight it out till the end;                                  
Treat obstacles with a swing of your boot.                  
                                                            
73200 WORDS - DEFINED                Avi                      



There once was a lady quite fair;                           
Her passion and dreams had a flair                          
For romance and fun                                         
With her specical one,                                      
And life was what she had to share.                         
                                                            
73201 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Alas, the poor lady found out                               
That some don't know what it's about.                       
The love of her life                                        
Caused tears, pain and strife;                              
That love went KAPUT, there's no doubt!                     
                                                            
73202 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Aura and destiny make KARMA.                                
To preserve good, you really can't harm a                   
Flea, cow, or donkey,                                       
And sing mostly on key,                                     
As befits a Barber of Parma.                                
                                                            
73203 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Good KARMA, we all wish for some.                           
Of happiness, each wants a crumb                            
Of what we all need.                                        
Although, soon to greed                                     
Most fallible humans succumb.                               
                                                            
73204 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Underground limestone erodes to KARST,                      
Elements of which spelunkers parsed                         
Into mammoth caves,                                         
Adventruous braves,                                         
Whom accidents have now rather sparsed.                     
                                                            
73205 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Geologists often have found                                 
Their work with some peril is bound.                        
For those that don't know,                                  
The structure below,                                        
Like KARST from a hole in the ground.                       
                                                            
73206 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Cacophony of KATZENJAMMER                                   
Made by rowdy boys, that's a damner;                        
But there's no forestalling                                 
The loud caterwauling                                       
Accompanying thumb splats from hammer.                      
                                                            
73207 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



His night seranading, a clamor,                             
Much booze, then a real KATZENJAMMER.                       
When neighbors raised stench,                               
Brought him to the bench,                                   
Resulting in week in "the slammer."                         
                                                            
73208 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a fellow nameed Ben;                         
Good manners were outside his KEN!                          
He'd shove in your face                                     
Uninvited embrace;                                          
As for stopping, he didn't know when.                       
                                                            
73209 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Don't slip as you're leaving the pen;                       
A ram will attack you and then,                             
For self you must fend                                      
To save your rear end                                       
From creature whose motives you ken.                        
                                                            
73210 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I hardly can recognize when                                 
The years have brought much to my KEN.                      
Such marvelous things,                                      
A rich long life brings,                                    
Must pause to give thanks, now and then.                    
                                                            
73211 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Wide-ranging understanding is Ken,                          
Required for readers of all this then;                      
We've gone from the vulgar                                  
To foie gras Bulgar;                                        
What may be missing now is cayenne.                         
                                                            
73212 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Words with figurative sunning,                              
Exchange noun for catch-phrase-running.                     
KENNING's an act                                            
From wordsmith exact,                                       
Requires a great deal of cunning.                           
                                                            
73213 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When we perceive KERF inflation                             
In fingers from saw's gyration,                             
The resulting scream                                        
Will justify seem                                           
And might be called perf oration                            
                                                            
73214 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The saw-cut is the fellows KERF                             
Prior to dropping trees to the turf;                        
If no contra-notch,                                         
The felling will botch,                                     
And the fellow ends up as a smurf.                          
                                                            
73215 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



KERFUFFLE, I have to admit,                                 
I don't use, 'cause I'm not a Brit,                         
But "donnybrook" see,                                       
Is alright with me,                                         
Since it teems with broad Irish wit.                        
                                                            
73216 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A woman who swims in the buff'll                            
Cause many a mighty KERFUFFLE.                              
As all the boys seek                                        
To get a good peek,                                         
There's liable to be quite a scuffle.                       
                                                            
73217 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Her marriage's many KERFUFFLES                              
Brought Mrs to crying and snuffles.                         
Till finally one day                                        
She just had to say,                                        
"I'm packing my bags and my duffels!"                       
                                                            
73218 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



KERYGMA, a word I just learned,                             
All through my lifetime, just spurned.                      
As far as I tell,                                           
I'll just go to Hell,                                       
And there get my poor rear end burned.                      
                                                            
73219 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A KIBITZER, as we often see,                                
Is there to give out advice free.                           
Obnoxious and rude,                                         
And wont to intrude;                                        
Also known as an old "butt-in-ski."                         
                                                            
73220 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The KIBITZER's face is a "tell"                             
As good poker players know well.                            
As the other guy's hand                                     
Gets naively scanned,                                       
The tell is as loud as a bell.                              
                                                            
73221 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Commentary from a KIBITZER                                  
Ain't likely to stop, I admit, sir.                         
We can hope, perhaps,                                       
What with her bad raps,                                     
No judge on earth ever acquits her.                         
                                                            
73222 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sure it helps if your new son-in-law                        
Is a dreamboat without any flaw.                            
But no matter what,                                         
I've sworn out to butt                                      
From all matters 'tween him and his squaw.                  
                                                            
73223 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



Amusement rides use the KINETIC                             
To stimulate riders frenetic.                               
And when at their best,                                     
Are a real good test,                                       
Of properties we call emetic.                               
                                                            
73224 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those dynamic motions KINETIC,                              
Made smoothly by dancers esthetic,                          
Are pleasant to eye                                         
And I don't know why,                                       
They leave me feeling copacetic.                            
                                                            
73225 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



That old item bought on an 'itch',                          
Though ugly and obvious KITSCH,                             
Is kept on display                                          
In hope that it may                                         
In years make us all very rich.                             
                                                            
73226 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a fellow named Fitch                         
Who thought lawn gnomes had a look rich.                    
But note his chagrin                                        
When his neighbors dropped in                               
And said, "Gnomes ain't rich, Fitch, they're KITSCH."       
                                                            
73227 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Fashionable tchochkes may become KITSCH,                    
But often there's an unexplaianed hitch;                    
Characters ugly                                             
(We are told smugly)                                        
Though valuable, belong in the ditch.                       
                                                            
73228 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



KLEENEX, face tissue cohesive,                              
Is a great runny-nose policive,                             
But comes all apart                                         
Right there at the start                                    
Of a blow that's not fully sneezive.                        
                                                            
73229 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Disposable though, by design,                               
(At least I throw away mine)                                
In Scotland, I've heard                                     
Of a practice absurd,                                       
You'll find them out on the clothes line!                   
                                                            
73230 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Disposable word, I suppose,                                 
KLEENEX maybe means one of those,                           
But in my mind's eye,                                       
It does signify,                                            
Something for blowing your nose.                            
                                                            
73231 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Most men, since original Fall,                              
Have answered to Greed's raucous call,                      
No matter who rules,                                        
They live off us fools,                                     
KLEPTOCRACY sways over all.                                 
                                                            
73232 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I can't resist an off-color gag,                            
So here's KLUDGE defined by a wag:                          
According to this wit,                                      
It's six pounds of shit                                     
Poured into a five-pound bag.                               
                                                            
73233 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



A jury-rigged solution, a KLUDGE,                           
Appears often designed by a stooge.                         
Despite all its quirks,                                     
The goofy thing works;                                      
The pride of Rube Goldberg is huge.                         
                                                            
73234 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Cobbled together is the KLUDGE,                             
And sometimes the mismatch won't budge.                     
So call in consultants                                      
For proper resultants,                                      
And please don't be holding a grudge.                       
(system with illmatched components)                         
73235 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



KLUDGE, seems to reek of word KLUTZ,                        
Though invented by computer nuts,                           
Should appy to those guys,                                  
Elected, not wise,                                          
We vote in, who think with their butts.                     
(system with illmatched components - Jackson Granholme 1962)
73236 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The bric-a-brac we call KNICK-KNACKS                        
Is now valued, through kick-backs,                          
As collectors' treasure,                                    
But whose taste we measure                                  
By increasing need for sick-sacks.                          
                                                            
73237 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It's quite common for investors to KVELL                    
When their stocks are doing well.                           
But their sense of pride                                    
Tends to subside                                            
When their broker warns, "Sell before the bell!"            
                                                            
73238 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Grandparents do constantly KVELL                            
'Bout grandkids, who they think are swell.                  
Even those that can't cope,                                 
Are addicted to dope,                                       
Bad citizens straight out of hell.                          
                                                            
73239 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When wed to a nag, you must tell her,                       
"That KVETCHING's no good, you dear Heller.                 
And if you persist,                                         
I'll not use my fist,                                       
But will lock you up in the whine cellar."                  
                                                            
73240 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I don't think of myself as a lech;                          
Butts and boobies my glances do fetch.                      
I like T & A,                                               
But the girls won't play,                                   
So I sit and I whack off and kvetch.                        
                                                            
73241 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



It's not in my habit to KVETCH                              
When asked to get something, to fetch.                      
A cup for the boss,                                         
Does not make me cross;                                     
I just piss in it so that she'll wretch.                    
                                                            
73242 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



The person who keeps on KVETCHING                           
Is not someone I would term "fetching."                     
It is such a drag                                           
To hear them all nag.                                       
Sometimes the condition is catching.                        
                                                            
73243 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



With lover's LABILITY low                                   
And rise to tumescence quite slow,                          
Samantha's sad date                                         
Would easily rate                                           
As dullest of guys she would know.                          
                                                            
73244 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lip ornamentation, LABRET,                                  
May become with young, a favorite.                          
But flesh encrusting                                        
With steel's disgusting.                                    
I'd prefer not to belabor it.                               
                                                            
73245 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



LABRET piercing guarantees                                  
Strange looks and occasional tease.                         
But some say it rules                                       
To pierce family jewels,                                    
That way you won't lose your car keys.                      
                                                            
73246 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



In maze of tunnels, LABYRINTH,                              
Supported by column and plinth,                             
The return to follow                                        
Is aided by swallow                                         
Of the cathartic colocynth.                                 
(colocynth - cucurb plant source of strong cathartic)       
73247 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In LABYRINTH there's a way out,                             
If you're a smart hero, no doubt.                           
Thought the alley's full                                    
Of more than just bull,                                     
With those that just didn't have clout.                     
                                                            
73248 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lena, a LACHRYMOSE lass,                                    
Her tears, like full bladder, she'd pass,                   
But mostly from joy,                                        
From sex with a boy,                                        
Who thought her good wet piece of ass.                      
                                                            
73249 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I too, would be lachrymose                                  
If Dr Papa were to diagnose                                 
In little old me,                                           
A nasty STD,                                                
Saying Norm, you've got a dose.                             
                                                            
73250 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



In opera, that guy with a frown                             
Who's singing with heart breaking down,                     
In standard stage plot,                                     
More often than not                                         
Is just on more LACHRYMOSE clown.                           
                                                            
73251 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In these days with speed supersonic,                        
Our speech, too, has gotten LACONIC.                        
Maybe, just as well,                                        
As far as I can tell,                                       
It's contents are brisk high-colonic!                       
                                                            
73252 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Judge not the soft spoken LACONIC                           
As someone who might be moronic.                            
For expression terse                                        
Can be heard as verse,                                      
Which may foster friendships platonic.                      
                                                            
73253 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



LACONIC, a real short hand trope,                           
To describe ones' attempt to cope,                          
With conversant dull,                                       
With two words in skull,                                    
One's "yup" and the other is "nope".                        
                                                            
73254 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



At Oxford, the late Warden Spooner                          
Transposed his first syllables sooner.                      
At dinner, when pissed,                                     
This mystery hissed                                         
Out something -- excuse the lacuna.                         
                                                            
73255 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick Lanyon              



A virtuous lass from Laguna,                                
Was given a rare coat of vicuna,                            
By a casting producer                                       
Who tried to seduce her,                                    
But got locked from the delta's LACUNA.                     
                                                            
73256 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Small holes in tissue, LACUNAE,                             
Ought to make substances puny,                              
But not enough to tame                                      
The substantial frame                                       
Of singer Rosemary Clooney.                                 
                                                            
73257 WORDS - DEFINED                DMF 7I98                 



The Baker's Dozen is a LAGNIAPPE                            
To make customers feel less a sap                           
For paying high price                                       
On cupcakes and rice                                        
In Manhattan bistro's tourist trap.                         
                                                            
73258 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Two decades post forty-two war,                             
I went to Japan on a tour.                                  
Got a lagniappe pin,                                        
Cloisonne on tin,                                           
Thirty bucks twelve years hence in a store.                 
                                                            
73259 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The men never left with a scowl.                            
Unlike other hookers on prowl,                              
the lovely Lenore,                                          
Gave service more;                                          
A LAGNIAPPE, quick wash and a towel.                        
                                                            
73260 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lagniapping, lest you forget                                
Can land you in purveyor's net.                             
But the unwitting say "Gee!                                 
This is nice and it's free!"                                
Subsequent purchases land you in debt!                      
                                                            
73261 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The doctrine of bold LAISSEZ-FAIRE,                         
Creates wealth right out of the air.                        
From where, I can't see;                                    
It won't bother me,                                         
Just as long as I get my share.                             
                                                            
73262 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A LALAPALOOZA, great stuff,                                 
Of which there is never enough.                             
I like it, and how;                                         
It beats "Holy Cow!"                                        
Which is both sacreligious and gruff.                       
                                                            
73263 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With butterfly kisses so LAMBENT,                           
She covered her lover till ram bent                         
To her desires                                              
And now he sires                                            
All her lambs, who frolic where Sam went                    
                                                            
73264 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In cartoons, ideas are marked by                            
A lone LAMBENT bulb in the sky.                             
But when Edison thought,                                    
The old drawings caught                                     
A flickering oil lamp on high.                              
                                                            
73265 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He sees love in a LAMBENT glow,                             
And is ready to altar go.                                   
Post honeymoon then,                                        
Transformed to mad hen,                                     
Wonders, "Where did my sweetie go?"                         
                                                            
73266 WORDS - DEFINED                Chis Papa                



I recall in the old days of yore,                           
That among stuff you bought in the store,                   
Products infinite                                           
Had lanolin in it,                                          
Or contained chlorophyll in the core.                       
                                                            
73267 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Well I polished my shoes with such stuff,                   
And thoroughly used often enough,                           
To produce a fine                                           
Respectable shine,                                          
They never got LANATE, or rough.                            
                                                            
73268 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The trial of "Slick Willy" did end,                         
By Senators loathe to offend.                               
LAODICEAN stance,                                           
To censure they dance.                                      
As for justice, why they just pretend.                      
                                                            
73269 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sing Nonny and Derry Down Derry;                            
She's off with her skilled LAPIDARY.                        
He was so base,                                             
That she won her case.                                      
Cash, gems and cars will her make merry.                    
                                                            
73270 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



He longed for the loose LAPIDARY                            
With talents most extraordinary;                            
Who never was rough,                                        
When playing in buff,                                       
In positions that always would vary.                        
                                                            
73271 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



LAPIDARY found husband not true.                            
Removed jewels, first slice went clean through.             
In emergency room,                                          
She said, now filled with gloom,                            
"I just did what stone cutters must do."                    
                                                            
73272 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



LAPUTAN's like playing with dolls,                          
Except that in Congress, cabals                             
Spout for pious creeds,                                     
To serve their own needs,                                   
With President worst of fall pols.                          
                                                            
73273 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Neglect of needed, LAPUTAN,                                 
There's not no need or disputin'.                           
The Congress transfixed                                     
By redactive tricks,                                        
Manipulating Rasputin.                                      
                                                            
73274 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I bought you this nice LAVALIERE                            
To show great affection, my dear;                           
A mere bagatelle                                            
For my lady swell.                                          
Now won't you please stroke me right here?                  
                                                            
73275 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The golden pendant, LAVALIERE,                              
A gift from her gay cavalier,                               
Showed Lily's charms best,                                  
Exposing her chest                                          
To those who would cavil and leer.                          
                                                            
73276 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



LAVATION, I'm prompted to say,                              
When practiced with care every day,                         
Relieves ready mess,                                        
Restores cleanliness,                                       
So dogs won't sniff crotches that way.                      
                                                            
73277 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I've never made love on a train,                            
Until that occasion in Spain.                               
But now that I have                                         
Made love in a LAV,                                         
I don't wish to do so again.                                
                                                            
73278 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Washing dirty hands in LAVATION,                            
Might just be doctor's great salvation.                     
Reducing infection                                          
Beyond detection;                                           
Keeping SARS from grateful nation.                          
                                                            
73279 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Each morning he performed his ablution                      
Using a rather caustic solution.                            
This form of LAVATION                                       
Caused much abrasion                                        
And a diminishment of his constitution.                     
                                                            
73280 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Support proposition, LEMMA,                                 
Of Jane Austin novel Emma:                                  
When heart strings tickle,                                  
Find self in pickle,                                        
Just another life dill-lemma.                               
                                                            
73281 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Young male with the LEONINE mane,                           
With age is a picture insane.                               
Pilgaric is he;                                             
As bald as can be.                                          
Rich only in arthritic pain.                                
                                                            
73282 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mitzi Gaynor of tight Capri pants,                          
Almost like our LEOTARD rants,                              
To display, yet covered                                     
A body, well-lovered,                                       
Or so would that image enhance.                             
                                                            
73283 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The skin tight cat suit, LEOTARD,                           
Leaves naught for description by bard,                      
Who nevertheless tries,                                     
As figures he spies,                                        
Whenever he gets past the guard.                            
                                                            
73284 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



LEOTARD, a tight leg stocking                               
When worn by men promotes mocking.                          
Every bulge shows,                                          
And everyone knows                                          
Whether gun's in need of cocking.                           
                                                            
73285 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



While dancing a pas de deux hard,                           
With siren-like svelte of a pard',                          
Leonard got urges,                                          
Hormonal surges,                                            
Rising up, through the cup, LEO 'TARD.  (retarded)          
                                                            
73286 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Such a faux pas has Leo Tarred,                             
So now from dance club he is barred.                        
The trouble with tights:                                    
Reveal to all lights                                        
The burgeoning dancer's regard.                             
                                                            
73287 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With so many rabbits out there,                             
Though I have seen more than my share,                      
I've never 'et' yet,                                        
A wee LEVERET,                                              
Nor with fork touched Mom or Pop's hare.                    
                                                            
73288 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Dimunitive hare is LEVERET,                                 
As baby jack rabbit, Everett,                               
High-tailed from the sage                                   
To fame on the stage,                                       
Where no one could bob or sever it.                         
                                                            
73289 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Formidably large, LEVIATHAN,                                
Even greater than gargantuan,                               
Exacerbates fears                                           
For all we held dear's                                      
At risk of government charlatan.                            
                                                            
73290 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Fford             



LEVIATHAN government rests                                  
On foundation of lobbyers-best                              
And with campaign donors                                    
Who push the real groaners                                  
That get bills passed at their behest.                      
                                                            
73291 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I don't wish my readers to vex,                             
With mind that's preoccupied sex.                           
I try to annul,                                             
The tendency dull,                                          
One gets with bald, unadorned lex.                          
                                                            
73292 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A mad monk with habits extreme,                             
Spoke only one word and one theme.                          
From his cave he'd call,                                    
To let one and all                                          
Know, "Love" was his longing LEXEME.                        
                                                            
73293 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Street speech has an often-heard theme;                     
It's based on a vulgar LEXEME.                              
No, it isn't "suck",                                        
Nor is it "schmuck",                                        
Though it's rooted in the same phoneme.                     
                                                            
73294 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



The poet remembers his LEXIS;                               
His brain musculature he flexes.                            
In his cerebellum                                           
He'll find ways to tell 'em                                 
About the new war of the sexes.                             
                                                            
73295 WORDS - DEFINED                Win                      



Ever-growing English wordbank, LEXIS,                       
Is disparaged by French as nexus                            
Of garbage and dump,                                        
On which to place rump,                                     
Though reasons confuse and perplex us.                      
                                                            
73296 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



LIBERTINE is a word that might be                           
Confusing to someone like me.                               
These fanatics, it's true,                                  
Would likely tell you                                       
Their real goal in life... to be free.                      
                                                            
73297 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Our country's political scene,                              
Has office-holders, who've been                             
Using their perks                                           
As skirt-chasing jerks;                                     
Each debauched as sex-LIBERTINE.                            
                                                            
73298 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The freely loving LIBERTINE,                                
Immortalized in travertine,                                 
Has passion in torrents,                                    
As D. H. Lawrence                                           
Showed in Chatterley serpentine.                            
                                                            
73299 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The prayers which the LIBERTINES sought,                    
Come only with those that are caught.                       
When you then reach them,                                   
And try to impeach them,                                    
Their partisans save with shield taut.                      
                                                            
73300 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Celestial back and forth, LIBRATION,                        
Unlike molecular vibration,                                 
Takes long to follow,                                       
Seems planets wallow                                        
In orbital peregrination.                                   
                                                            
73301 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The word for today is LIBRATION,                            
On balance an oscillation.                                  
I'd rather it be,                                           
If for you and me,                                          
Some smooth and heady LIBATION.                             
                                                            
73302 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Think Gilbert smart? You be he,                             
Sullivan, gave his LIBRETTI.                                
The pair then combined,                                     
Inextricably twined,                                        
Like-a meatballs, and-a spaghetti.                          
                                                            
73303 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The poetry for songs, LIBRETTO,                             
Include topics strange as stilletto,                        
Which does in Carmen                                        
Become disarmin',                                           
Causing tenor to sing falsetto.                             
                                                            
73304 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Licentiousness is a French thing.                           
And they don't need grape juice for fling.                  
Their famous life style,                                    
Much practiced, sans guile,                                 
Is more than too much wine can bring.                       
                                                            
73305 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'll cheer new administration,                              
Due in two years in this nation,                            
Less Chief LICKERISH,                                       
Cigar snickerish,                                           
Lacking all good moral suasion.                             
                                                            
73306 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lascivious Willy's LICKERISH;                               
Plies girls with cigars and licorice.                       
Tsk tsk tongues cluck cluck --                              
Like water off duck.                                        
The critics find willy Slickerish.                          
                                                            
73307 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



New Pres won't go out on a limb,                            
To say "I'm much better than him!"                          
Woefully LICKERISH,                                         
Ten times more quicker-ish,                                 
To admit that they're well-versed in sin.                   
                                                            
73308 WORDS - DEFINED                Karen                    



Habitues of beach's Lido                                    
Operate from a different credo:                             
Their one goal in life                                      
Is to avoid all strife,                                     
But find out what is under the speedo.                      
                                                            
73309 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An eager young "guinea" named Guido,                        
Paraded himself on the LIDO,                                
In hopes that he might                                      
Attract maids in sight                                      
To provide love that they just might need-o.                
                                                            
73310 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He was left on the Lido of Love;                            
A shipwreck of sex, or thereof.                             
Despondent until,                                           
He'd soon get his fill                                      
From hookers, with much push and shove.                     
                                                            
73311 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The question of LIFE seems to be                            
Unanswered; still a mystery!                                
No one ever comes back,                                     
So answers we lack.                                         
If you have one....send it to me!                           
                                                            
73312 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Description, delineate, LIMNING,                            
Will help picture feast and trimming,                       
But without the smell                                       
It's incomplete spell                                       
Is like some waterless swimming.                            
                                                            
73313 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A LIMPET obsessively clings,                                
And so great dependency brings,                             
Like 30-year kids,                                          
Who'd be on the skids,                                      
Without Moms to supply all things.                          
                                                            
73314 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They shared something precious and dear                     
Which had lasted for many a year.                           
Like a summer stream                                        
In the sun's bright gleam,                                  
Their love was LIMPID, warm and clear.                      
                                                            
73315 WORDS - DEFINED                Kitten                   



Music today is heretic;                                     
The raucus noise quite emetic;                              
Lyrics not LIMPID,                                          
Sounds quite insipid,                                       
Decibel loud and frenetic.                                  
                                                            
73316 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In seduction attempt right insipid,                         
He referred to her eyes as quite LIMPID.                    
She just laughed at the lump                                
In his shorts, just a stump;                                
And crestfallen, he found that it limp-ed.                  
                                                            
73317 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



LIPPITUDIC, you teach me much, dearie,                      
Didn't know words for eyes bleary,                          
Like those after drinking,                                  
Or excessive thinking,                                      
Or crying jags that are not cheery.                         
                                                            
73318 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An author whose words weren't chaste,                       
Offending the bounds of good taste,                         
Complained bitterly,                                        
His text LITERALLY,                                         
Used only four letters. no waste!                           
                                                            
73319 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A ranch-owning Texas redhead,                               
Got offers, from cowboys, to wed.                           
They all did agree,                                         
Quite LITERALLY.                                            
That she had one heck of a spread.                          
                                                            
73320 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



To praise with the phrase "She's not bad",                  
Just shows how LITOTES can add                              
To critical words,                                          
On singer's sharp thirds,                                   
A meaning that renders her glad.                            
                                                            
73321 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



LITOTES, which comes form Greek "simple",                   
Can prick our election sore pimple;                         
Such choice as we've had,                                   
From a "hanging chad"                                       
To pursuit of the "pregnant dimple."                        
                                                            
73322 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Good linguists will seek to maake sure all                  
Bright folks, both urban and rural,                         
Whomever you please,                                        
Knows that LITOTES,                                         
Is the single noun LITOTES, plural.                         
                                                            
73323 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Monica's mouth was attractive,                              
For Willy, "non-sex" interactive.                           
A LOADSTONE of joy,                                         
Took load of our boy.                                       
As told in Starr tale, non-redactive.                       
                                                            
73324 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The insane behavior of LOCO                                 
Is like the fine lines of rococo.                           
With turns in and out                                       
Through marble and grout,                                   
Or Chanel filled channels of Coco.                          
(Coco Chanel - McW)                                         
73325 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The Gore campaign's starting to scurry,                     
But Al, who does not seem in a hurry,                       
Cites LOCUS CLASSICUS                                       
That's familiar to us...                                    
Al Neuman from Mad -- What, me worry?"                      
                                                            
73326 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



Classics citing, LOCUS CLASSICUS,                           
Is used by professor (classy cuss)                          
As sort of e.g.                                             
For students, you see,                                      
So they'll know just how the ass to cuss.                   
                                                            
73327 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Symbolic stand-in, LOGOGRAPH,                               
Like musical notes on a staff,                              
May cover all parts,                                        
As do lines in charts,                                      
Though some think them snakes in the graph.                 
                                                            
73328 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



LOGOGRAPH symbols save time,                                
Unless as rebus they're sublime.                            
For them, like Chinese                                      
Ideograms please,                                           
I comprehend less than from mime.                           
                                                            
73329 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



No boxer was > Thomas                                       
(A very good friend of my momma's)                          
@ the start of the round,                                   
He'd get up and #                                           
And each night he'd take on all ,s                          
                                                            
73330 WORDS - DEFINED                Bill                     



But with the bell's next ringing clash,                     
He'd nip off (he said for a flash),                         
Worn out and weary, he'd                                    
Fight for a .                                               
But thereafter, off he would -                              
                                                            
73331 WORDS - DEFINED                Bill                     



Ma` once kept, I am told                                    
A { of geese, whose eggs she sold                           
For their price it was noted,                               
Many $ were "ed                                             
But they were 24 ^ gold                                     
                                                            
73332 WORDS - DEFINED                Bill                     



The gaggle of geese in her [                                
No doubt made considerable racket                           
Each time that they laid                                    
An egg golden grade,                                        
Helping the collector to track it.                          
                                                            
73333 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



LOGOGRAPHS save printing spacce,                            
Computers have joined in the race,                          
And added "sign bliss",                                     
With figures like this,                                     
The omnipresent, blythe  : )                                
                                                            
73334 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'm taking a computer class                                 
And it does more than the time pass!                        
It's fun for me                                             
And I can see                                               
LOGOGRAPHS might be a blast!                                
                                                            
73335 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



A sailor ashore, raunchy rogue he                           
Drank too much wine and smoked stogie.                      
Result of such doin',                                       
His head is a ruin;                                         
On land, feels at sea, and quite LOGY.                      
                                                            
73336 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



LONGUEUR, redolent in tedium,                               
Depends a great deal on the medium,                         
That one wonders just how                                   
The monks can just plow                                     
Through a one-noted chant te deum.                          
                                                            
73337 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The woman I wed, when I choose'll,                          
Not be a shrew or a LOSEL,                                  
Or wanton wench,                                            
Who'll make my teeth clench,                                
Whenever she'd like to bamboozle.                           
                                                            
73338 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



All that seems worthless is not LOSEL,                      
Just as Christopher Robin's ruse'll                         
Be only a trap                                              
With a long-term nap                                        
For the heffalump and the woozle.                           
                                                            
73339 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There once was a louche lovely lass                         
Who never said "No" to a pass.                              
Result of her folly:                                        
Twelve children, by golly!                                  
And twelve "no-pay" dads chased by brass.                   
                                                            
73340 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



And what of the LOUCHE lazy dads,                           
Who, frog-like, spawn unwanted tads?                        
Were it up to me,                                           
I'd make them heir-free                                     
And vas-ect their careless gonads.                          
                                                            
73341 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



You're right.  At whatever sex, rubes                       
Should receive equal tratment as boobs.                     
For him cut the vas;                                        
For her treatment has                                       
To be, the sure cutting of tubes.                           
                                                            
73342 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Love, I am constantly told,                                 
Is a treasure more precious than gold,                      
But Hate is the verb                                        
That to me is superb;                                       
So vicious and biting and cold.                             
                                                            
73343 WORDS - DEFINED                John Miller              



All your Love is a drug on the mart;                        
It is Hate that folks hug to their heart.                   
Any kiddie at school                                        
Can love like a fool,                                       
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.                              
                                                            
73344 WORDS - DEFINED                John Miller              



She put on a fragrant new scent,                            
Along with loose peignoir LUCENT.                           
The message was clear,                                      
As he said "My dear,                                        
I'm here on the signals you sent."                          
                                                            
73345 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Best sample of true LUCUBRATION:                            
Application of fine lubrication.                            
Enables a lark                                              
To work in the dark,                                        
And leads to exquisite elation.                             
                                                            
73346 WORDS - DEFINED                Naz                      



My college son shuns LUCUBRATION,                           
But nightly enjoys celebration,                             
Where morals are skipped,                                   
And much booze is sipped,                                   
Till comatose inebration.                                   
                                                            
73347 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though idealist LUFTMENSCH is said                          
For one whose art is in the bone bred,                      
There are times today                                       
When such I would say,                                      
Have modern appelation: air head.                           
                                                            
73348 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Free cares from Life's harried vise-wrench,                 
Seek out complementative bench,                             
To hell with the rent,                                      
On pleasure your bent,                                      
Living as happy LUFTMENSCH.                                 
                                                            
73349 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a guy named McMurty                          
Who decided to retire at thirty.                            
He lived on a park bench;                                   
A classic LUFTMENSCH.                                       
His clothes hobo chic, but dirty.                           
                                                            
73350 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The LUFTMENSCH, and "air-head" to some,                     
Who will not work for his income,                           
Just ain't very charming.                                   
Society harming,                                            
He's rightly still known as a bum.                          
                                                            
73351 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The weighted lights, LUMINARIA,                             
Along arcades of wisteria,                                  
Are a holiday gift,                                         
A Mexican lift,                                             
Like Sangria wine fruitaria.                                
                                                            
73352 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The privileged folk in the upper class,                     
Keep everything clean as a drinking glass.                  
Their grown kids, it's been found,                          
Get each bug that's around,                                 
While LUMPEN, unwashed, are immune, en masse.               
                                                            
73353 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The LUMPEN crowd, surly crew,                               
Don't always do what they should do.                        
They live for their ale,                                    
Spend some time in jail,                                    
And help "cannon fodder" renew.                             
                                                            
73354 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A LYRIC that's writ about me --                             
What could a thing like that be?                            
Why, a LYmeRIC, sir,                                        
And I'm sure you'll concur                                  
That I've rhymed it appropriately.                          
                                                            
73355 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



The words of a G&S LYRIC,                                   
Are often quite smart and satiric.                          
But plot lines are such,                                    
With topsy-turvy touch,                                     
Which call for an ending empiric.                           
                                                            
73356 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The LYRIC, composed for the Lyre                            
Should kindle in hearers a fire.                            
The fount of the muses,                                     
A good lyric uses                                           
Fine words and a hint of desire.                            
                                                            
73357 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Melodic, emotional, LYRIC,                                  
Yes, G&S songs are round, spheric;                          
But when with polignards                                    
Each cut other's cards,                                     
The victory then was quite Pyrrhic.                         
                                                            
73358 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Each without the other was bland;                           
No shine to the Savoy or Strand.                            
When all's said and done,                                   
The canon's much fun,                                       
And a few are even quite grand.                             
                                                            
73359 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Crushed rock and asphalt make MACADAM,                      
Paving way for modern day Adam,                             
Who, seeking reprieve,                                      
Soon finds his MacEve,                                      
Whose tartan has children to plaid 'im.                     
                                                            
73360 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



That word with a regal baronic,                             
I'd ne'er heard before MACARONIC,                           
To me it just hasta'                                        
Refer to Wop pasta,                                         
Or else it is oxymoronic.                                   
                                                            
73361 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those, who in manner moronic,                               
Babble in tongue MACARONIC,                                 
Both inane and trite                                        
To sound erudite,                                           
We'll flush with a good high-colonic.                       
                                                            
73362 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bilingual punning MACARONIC                                 
Is gleeful experience phonic,                               
Replete with dire groans,                                   
Amid giggle tones,                                          
And hilarities ultrasonic.                                  
                                                            
73363 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The auteur who uses film stuffin',                          
With device that is called a MACGUFFIN,                     
In show of great nerve,                                     
Is sentenced to serve                                       
Long time, unemployed, doin' nothin'.                       
                                                            
73364 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Concorde, that aircraft divine,                         
Whose business was in great decline,                        
Because at MACH one,                                        
The flight was all done,                                    
Before there was time for fine dine.                        
                                                            
73365 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Into the air I threw a rock;                                
A battered bird fell from her flock.                        
A lucky toss;                                               
For the flock a loss.                                       
Guess mocking birds can't fly at MACH.                      
                                                            
73366 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Using hot metal to tame us?,                                
Since Disney, now each ignoramous,                          
Historically knows                                          
Most famous of flows,                                       
MACHICOLATION, quasi famous.                                
                                                            
73367 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Pour boiling oil or molten lead                             
Through ports onto combatant's head,                        
MACHICOLATION,                                              
Parapet station,                                            
From which to sling missles of dread.                       
                                                            
73368 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Were our vision not MACROBIOTIC                             
Every one of us would be neurotic.                          
We'd see zillions of bugs,                                  
On each one of our mugs.                                    
And despair of ills epizootic.                              
                                                            
73369 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Sweet cakes of memory, MADELEINE,                           
Do have a strange way of saddlin'                           
Deep-seated feeling,                                        
Emotions reeling,                                           
Perhaps to offset the paddlin'.                             
                                                            
73370 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With NAFTA a MAELSTROM we face;                             
"Loud sucking," heard from Perot's face,                    
Or that ancient killa,                                      
Charybdis and Scylla,                                       
Between rocks and other hard place.                         
                                                            
73371 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The violent vortex of MAELSTROM                             
Causes many to become quite quailsome,                      
And with the strong gales,                                  
Lets tellers of tales                                       
Spin frightening yarns to regale some.                      
                                                            
73372 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The wildest fem libber just bails from                      
The rugby play featuring male scrum,                        
For deep in that pile                                       
Of elbows and wile,                                         
Too much could be lost in the MAELSTROM.                    
                                                            
73373 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



In limericks the term MAGNUM OPUS                           
Just ain't got no power to rope us.                         
We scribble a line,                                         
Add some sex fine,                                          
And hope that some humor is focus.                          
                                                            
73374 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



A title of reverence, MAHATMA,                              
Perhaps also given to the shah,                             
But now thought grandly                                     
Mohandas Gandhi                                             
Comes to mind of all but my grandma.                        
                                                            
73375 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford.             



High-minded our leaders should be;                          
MAHATMA's of utmost degree.                                 
But primaries vet,                                          
And all that we get                                         
Are greatest raisers of money.                              
                                                            
73376 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MAHATMAS are those of rare kind,                            
With both thoughts and actions inclined,                    
To help other folk,                                         
Free from oppressive yoke,                                  
And such earthly happiness find.                            
                                                            
73377 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mother Teresa comes to mind                                 
When speaking of those who are kind!                        
MAHATMA quite true,                                         
So unselfish too;                                           
A jewel that is so hard to find.                            
                                                            
73378 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Meandering minds of the masses                              
Are molded in Socratic classes,                             
Where method MAIEUTIC                                       
Is quite therapeutic,                                       
While thinking up off of their asses.                       
                                                            
73379 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In search for new drugs pharmaceutic,                       
Leading to gains therapeutic,                               
It's helpful to know,                                       
Molecular show,                                             
Pursue them a pathway MAIEUTIC.                             
(way of getting new ideas)                                  
73380 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Socratic methods MAIEUTIC,                                  
In democracy Aleutic                                        
Seemed oft run amok                                         
To missioners stuck                                         
In pendantic hermeneutics.                                  
(way of getting new ideas)                                  
73381 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Mussolini insisted, that fool,                              
That his name be in majuscule.                              
DUCE was state;                                             
First Marshal and fate,                                     
But remained a man minuscule.                               
                                                            
73382 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The use of MAJUSCULE "D,"                                   
Something that you'd hear at sea,                           
On "Pinafore's" deck,                                       
Just "darn" or else "heck,"                                 
What never?  Well, sometimes maybe.                         
                                                            
73383 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MAL DE MER, I'm very seasick,                               
Those last verses did dirty trick.                          
I see it will end,                                          
My dear rhyming friend,                                     
With Ahab inside Moby Dick.                                 
                                                            
73384 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Ineptitude is MALADROIT,                                    
Akin to klutz who drops a quoit,                            
In an outdoor game,                                         
Or parlor the same,                                         
Who cannot the techniques expolit.                          
                                                            
73385 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The MALADROIT, I'd like to stop,                            
Before, on me, something they drop;                         
But I can abide,                                            
Since good laughs reside,                                   
With those who would use MALAPROP.                          
                                                            
73386 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Calling down curses, MALEDICTION,                           
Has more meaning in ancient friction,                       
For there the grum grouses,                                 
"A pox on your houses!"                                     
Without a more vulgar prediction.                           
                                                            
73387 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Who is that whom I hear on the door knock?                  
That pestilent person from Porlock!                         
He's ruined my fiction --                                   
On him MALEDICTION,                                         
Which would wither him were I a Warlock.                    
                                                            
73388 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



MALEDICTION, a fine old art form,                           
Allowing the user to storm,                                 
And fume, flame, and cuss,                                  
[I hope not at us]                                          
Dispatching to spot very warm.                              
                                                            
73389 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A bee sting's very MALEFIC,                                 
Can give you reaction terrific,                             
A warning intone,                                           
Just leave them alone,                                      
Tending to their work MELIFIC.                              
(causing harm, evil)  (making honey)                        
73390 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MALEFIC movie madmen's voices                               
Are oft mellifluous in choices,                             
But MELIFIC charm                                           
Hides MALEFIC harm,                                         
"So I'll hide," a scared little boy says.                   
                                                            
73391 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If you disparage or MALIGN,                                 
Your hermit friend there in moonshine,                      
Of his lack of sex                                          
Or edifice wrecks,                                          
Please don't expect a Valentine.                            
                                                            
73392 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A husband should never MALIGN                               
His lovely wife's basic design,                             
'Cause comments 'bout hips                                  
And candy store trips                                       
Can bring on a sexual decline!                              
                                                            
73393 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



I'm MANACLED her, all supine;                               
I shouldn't have drunk so much wine.                        
That lady in leather                                        
Assaults me with a feather                                  
And says I'm her sweet Valentine.                           
                                                            
73394 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Unfulfilled aspirations, MANQUE,                            
Do many accept with thanks, okay,                           
For they have excuse                                        
For liberal use                                             
Of the tailings of old Tanqueray.                           
                                                            
73395 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Matt was MANQUE movie maven                                 
Who dwelt within the dark haven,                            
Of cinema seats;                                            
Absorbed in such eats,                                      
As made him resemble fat raven.                             
                                                            
73396 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Oh what a tangled web we weave                              
When punctuation out we leave.                              
I've no degree                                              
In trumpetry,                                               
And no intention to deceive.                                
                                                            
73397 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A man who was old, blithe and gay                           
Made a pass at young Hank one fine day.                     
Said Hank, "To be frank                                     
At sixteen, I'm too manque,                                 
And you are way way to manque'."                            
                                                            
73398 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Cassandra drove all the Greeks frantic                      
With prophesies dire and pedantic.                          
But held easy sway                                          
With religious play,                                        
Which involved a praying MANTIC.                            
                                                            
73399 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Cleo drove all the Egyptians frantic,                       
With prophesies dire and pedantic.                          
But held easy sway                                          
With religious play,                                        
Which always involved a Ra MANTIC.                          
                                                            
73400 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



Global Warming nuts do get frantic                          
With pronouncements dire and MANTIC.                        
"Some winter, ere long,                                     
You'll wear a sarong,                                       
As Brooklyn sinks into Atlantic."                           
                                                            
73401 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm brust               



Release from slavery, MANUMIT,                              
Strongest action one can commit                             
To save humanind                                            
From its evil mind,                                         
And rescue its soul, dadgummit!                             
                                                            
73402 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel                   



MANUMIT isn't a glove,                                      
Worn in Arctic Circle above;                                
It's meaning, most grave,                                   
Means freeing a slave,                                      
A kind act of brotherly love.                               
                                                            
73403 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Runs to Athens from MARATHON,                               
Are quite exhausting, whereupon                             
The runner must rest,                                       
With medicine best,                                         
To avoid the fate of GOLGOTHON                              
                                                            
73404 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MARATHON, you cannot doubt it,                              
Name, long-winded runners shout it.                         
To some, just long-haul,                                    
Gilbert had a ball,                                         
His "Major General" sang about it.                          
                                                            
73405 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Today's word invites teasing play,                          
Because it's quite easy to say,                             
"For marble give grace",                                    
And state with straight face,                               
"Show flag for MARMOREAL Day."                              
                                                            
73406 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



He married MARMOREAL maid,                                  
But his ardor would quickly fade                            
'Cause much as he tried                                     
To get warm inside,                                         
Those old headache games she e'er played.                   
                                                            
73407 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The coolness of statues MARMOREAL                           
Does fine in settings arboreal.                             
It's okay for hermits                                       
But not for the permits                                     
Of social groups amatorial.                                 
                                                            
73408 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Those with emotions MARMOREAL,                              
Need a "good feelings" tutorial,                            
And shrinks good advice                                     
To hug offspring thrice.                                    
Kids write your final memorial.                             
                                                            
73409 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I went to the Lincoln Marmoreal;                            
It's lifelike but would look far more real                  
If Abe's giant clothes                                      
Were cloth.  I suppose                                      
That feat was beyond mere sartorial.                        
                                                            
73410 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Marble-like features, MARMOREAL,                            
Draped in fine splendor sartorial,                          
The master and spouse                                       
Sip wine and then grouse                                    
About ancestors arboreal.                                   
                                                            
73411 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Denali, Alaskan MASSIF,                                     
Presents beauty beyond belief,                              
But take the wrong col,                                     
And climbers my fall;                                       
The end of brief trips may bring grief.                     
                                                            
73412 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MATERIA MEDICA keeps the doctor away.                       
Write a prescription and call it a day.                     
For dandruf or cancer,                                      
A pill is the answer,                                       
And for every nose, there's a spray.                        
                                                            
73413 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



There are lots of kids who get by                           
With MATRONYM title, and why?                               
Because a few lads,                                         
Their now unnamed Dads,                                     
Impregnated Mom on the fly.                                 
                                                            
73414 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The MATRONYM comes from one's mother,                       
So my name would be from another.                           
That name would surely                                      
Likely be Shirley,                                          
Like Granddad and his other brother.                        
                                                            
73415 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Forest fire fighter's strong MATTOCK,                       
A pick and blade tool from the attic,                       
Could clear a fire-break                                    
For the rancher's sake,                                     
And keep holocaust from the paddock.                        
                                                            
73416 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



"Fox holes" I could dig with a MATTOCK,                     
Or fertilize fields with dead haddock.                      
'Tis work much admired,                                     
But since I've retired,                                     
I'd rather just rest in a hammock.                          
                                                            
73417 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



That MAUDLIN bard, Dylan T.,                                
Could drink far more bitters than me.                       
He'd get wild and tearful                                   
Which rendered his beer full                                
Of salt, so it tasted like pee.                             
                                                            
73418 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



His MAUDLIN mush maid maidens weep,                         
With tall tales demanding a leap                            
Of faith, which they knew                                   
Would bed quite a few,                                      
For this most undeserving male creep.                       
                                                            
73419 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some tears of atonement I fear,                             
Particularly those shed in beer,                            
Are insecure dawdlin'                                       
in manner MAUDLIN,                                          
Of hypocrite's lying career.                                
                                                            
73420 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Mawkishly sentimental, MAUDLIN                              
Would not appear worth of modelin',                         
So mind P's and Q's.                                        
Please do not abuse                                         
The medicinal Scotch for toddlin'.                          
                                                            
73421 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MAUSOLEUM, where one inters, when                           
Considered to be of great men                               
Or leaves enough cash                                       
For large building flash,                                   
That others may see now and then.                           
                                                            
73422 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There is subtle difference, dears,                          
'Twixt MAVEN and DOYEN, one hears                           
The latter has age,                                         
The former, through rage,                                   
May still be quite wet behind ears.                         
                                                            
73423 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A MAVERICK monk from Marseilles,                            
Determined that he'd have his way                           
With a virgin nun,                                          
Who joined in the fun.                                      
Now both are defrocked for such play.                       
                                                            
73424 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The MAVERICK out on the range                               
Is also called dogie.  How strange!                         
That motherless calf                                        
Has a crazy laugh,                                          
Because it's gone home on derange.                          
                                                            
73425 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A MAVERICK calf left ungated,                               
From mother had been separated.                             
The mother, depressed,                                      
Had finally assessed,                                       
That she had been de-calf-inated!                           
                                                            
73426 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



I think wronged folks are so tired                          
To hear when with anger they're fired.                      
"MEA CULPA" old bean,                                       
A most frightful scene."                                    
When self-immolation's required.                            
                                                            
73427 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In India visit the Taj,                                     
Niagara Falls for love's mirage.                            
To MECCA one goes                                           
To be one of those,                                         
Joining in Muslim Hadj-podge.                               
                                                            
73428 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



McDonalds has become the MECCA                              
For snacks like the double-decca.                           
But the fatty fare                                          
Is more than I can bear.                                    
With my arteries, it is a health-wrecca.                    
                                                            
73429 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The MECCA for horny Mad Monk,                               
Where he might his urgent "wick dunk,"                      
Was the local brothel                                       
Which knew him quite well,                                  
And to depraved depths that he'd sunk.                      
                                                            
73430 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Men may mismanage their MEED,                               
Pursuing what they think they need.                         
Which means in the main,                                    
Though few would complain,                                  
It's centered on spilling their seed.                       
                                                            
73431 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A prize fight once held in Manila,                          
Earned descriptive title of "thrillah".                     
Though I can't recall                                       
The details at all,                                         
And that, friends, is "the whole MEGILLAH!"                 
                                                            
73432 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Nation has lived through a thriller,                    
Spawned by a sinful seed spiller.                           
Impeachment or not,                                         
This subject's not "hot",                                   
We're tired of the whole MEGILLAH.                          
                                                            
73433 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A fruity MELANGE makes sweet mixture;                       
An ambrosia-like Sunday fixture                             
In the hose of Mother;                                      
Although in some other                                      
The taste is felt an imcommixture.                          
                                                            
73434 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MELANGE makes a nice fancy stew,                            
Or even pastiche for those few                              
Who like a mixed dish;                                      
A real nice gemisch                                         
Of ingredients, more than a few.                            
                                                            
73435 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To grizzled old cynic like me,                              
MELEORISM seems to be                                       
Some optimists blind,                                       
Who look at mankind,                                        
Imagining what they can't see.                              
                                                            
73436 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a MELLIFLUOUS maid,                          
Whose sexy voice in diamonds paid.                          
Though her hubby Hans                                       
Said it was for plans                                       
Of midnight maneuvers she laid.                             
                                                            
73437 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MELLIFLUOUS, "Slick Willy" ain't,                           
Nasal allergies seem the complaint,                         
Regardless of tone,                                         
When he tosses bone,                                        
Obliging fair ladies just faint.                            
                                                            
73438 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Honey-sweet tones, MELLIFLUOUS,                             
In power seat's superfluous,                                
Since position is power                                     
Brings fruits of the flower,                                
In manner most incongruous.                                 
                                                            
73439 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MELLIFLUOUS refers to 'honey',                              
Used by guy with big nose, runny,                           
To ladies, just scads,                                      
To get their knee pads,                                     
Ready for some business funny.                              
                                                            
73440 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Lost lovers always lament, "Oh!                             
I thought our liaison cement, Oh!                           
When she gave me flowers,                                   
I cherished the hours                                       
And now they are just a MEMENTO!"                           
                                                            
73441 WORDS - DEFINED                Antigone                 



A MEMENTO of love will oft itch                             
Or burn like a sonovabitch.                                 
So to give your heart,                                      
But protect your best part,                                 
Or hear the doc mutter, "Tch, tch."                         
                                                            
73442 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Father's Day really ain't hot;                              
It puts families right on the spot.                         
The MEMENTOS of love,                                       
When push comes to shove,                                   
Are ties, if Dad needs them or not.                         
                                                            
73443 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If you always speak with veracity                           
And strive for what's right with tenacity,                  
You'll find greener grass                                   
Or get kicked in the ass                                    
By those you accuse of mendacity.                           
                                                            
73444 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



Men of unfaithful MENDACITY,                                
Pursued with strong tenacity,                               
May finally give up                                         
To the wife and the pup                                     
Betrayal's hurtful veracity.                                
                                                            
73445 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



But the damage that will be done                            
To all concerned, each mother's son,                        
Engenders despair                                           
Which none can repair,                                      
So social fabric is undone.                                 
                                                            
73446 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When appointing a lawyer to the bench,                      
Choose one that you know is a MENSCH,                       
Because once he's a judge,                                  
He's tempted to fudge                                       
And use hammer when what's needed is wrench.                
                                                            
73447 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I don't think I'll get much dissension,                     
If I state there is much pretention,                        
Of good deeds about.                                        
With reason to doubt,                                       
They're product of World's dim MENSCHEN.                    
                                                            
73448 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A proper young lass of good sense                           
Was careful to display such MENSE                           
As public required,                                         
But when she retired,                                       
Of modesty made no pretense.                                
                                                            
73449 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Taking one's measure, MENSURATION,                          
Like IQ screen, is men's sure ration;                       
Though members of club,                                     
Dare no woman snub:                                         
She does Mensa validation.                                  
                                                            
73450 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MENSURATION takes measure of waves                          
In physics and oceanic laves.                               
Such notes will not ease                                    
Forepoint of men's seas;                                    
High waves make for watery graves.                          
                                                            
73451 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MENSURATION from surveyor's lex,                            
Has nothing to do with fair sex.                            
'Tis measuring feat                                         
Not need to stay neat,                                      
By strapping on bulky Kotex.                                
                                                            
73452 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MEPHITIC, is used to tell                                   
Of various places that smell.                               
The root, stench, in Latin,                                 
Not Devil in satin,                                         
But meaning it sure stinks lie hell!                        
                                                            
73453 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Underworld vapors MEPHITIC,                                 
Oft odiferous, sulfitic,                                    
Bring nose storm and strife                                 
And threats to one's life,                                  
Unless you are saprophytic.                                 
                                                            
73454 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



We've done word MEPHITIC before,                            
Plucked from O'Brian's word store,                          
Whence it was used there,                                   
To describe bad air,                                        
Just like at the New Jersey shore.                          
                                                            
73455 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There was a MERITORIOUS maid,                               
Who maintained demeanor quite staid,                        
Though 'twixt bedroom sheets                                
Performed daunting feats                                    
And never a client betrayed.                                
                                                            
73456 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Honor worthy, MERITORIOUS,                                  
For many campaigns victorious,                              
Generals stand forth                                        
Every July Fourth,                                          
Reminding in tones stentorious.                             
                                                            
73457 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Some yearn for a fame that is glorious,                     
Yet fail in true deeds MERITORIOUS.                         
In foul act they're caught;                                 
Their efforts are naught;                                   
Except reputations notorious.                               
                                                            
73458 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To go lexicographer's route,                                
The MESA's a plateau quite cute.                            
Its much smaller size,                                      
I rather surmise,                                           
Is like a pain in the butte.                                
                                                            
73459 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MESHUGA, some kind of a "nut",                              
Not psychotic, open and shut,                               
With harmless weird thought,                                
A bit overwrought,                                          
And often, a pain in the "butt".                            
                                                            
73460 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In rampage of fast-moving war,                              
Heroics of young make for lore.                             
Yet much that Willy                                         
Does will seem silly                                        
Or MESHUGGE as time passes more.                            
                                                            
73461 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A MESHUGGENER, whose behavior was loony                     
Changed his name from Rosen to Rooney.                      
"'Tis Irish I am,                                           
So don't call me Sam.                                       
I'm Sean and me cousin's George Clooney."                   
                                                            
73462 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



One fine night in an idyllic spot,                          
An essential, he said he forgot.                            
"But fear no peril,                                         
Because I'm sterile."                                       
She replied, "MESHUGGENER I'm not!"                         
                                                            
73463 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Loopy is the MESHUGUNNER                                    
Whose mind falls behind mouth runner.                       
And there is no doubt                                       
The crazy wins out                                          
When on state as a comic funner.                            
                                                            
73464 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



So that's how you pronounce word, MESNE,                    
A usage that's not often seen.                              
At the end of the day,                                      
A weird way to say,                                         
That something is just in between.                          
                                                            
73465 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's hard to tell what you mean                             
If you use weird words like MESNE.                          
Expressions so dim                                          
Makes me feel grim,                                         
Which you can tell by oberving my mien.                     
                                                            
73466 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



METAPLASM is word alteration                                
Affecting some folk in our nation.                          
In whose speech abounds                                     
Such dyslexic sounds                                        
As show mental constipation.                                
                                                            
73467 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When small, I came to grief;                                
Kept on saying "hanker-for-chief",                          
Kleenex not being invented                                  
And no hankys presented...                                  
You've the idea, so this will be brief.                     
                                                            
73468 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



METAPLASMIC prez, in widdershins move,                      
Tax cut for the rich, does approve.                         
Though poor cry "No way,"                                   
Cares not what they say,                                    
And "embetters" life for guys in his groove.                
                                                            
73469 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I suppose there is no excape                                
From word METATHESIS reshape,                               
But those altered words                                     
By slow-witted nerds                                        
Can surely be fixed with "duck tape"!                       
                                                            
73470 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



A word's letter switch, METATHESIS,                         
Needs explaianing in parathesis.                            
When a Bronx guy aks,                                       
He whacks not with an axe,                                  
But has a aural diathesis.                                  
                                                            
73471 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



METATHESIS is what you get,                                 
Pronouncing in way all upset,                               
Like those not too bright,                                  
Who think it all right                                      
To use "new-cu-lar" epithet.                                
                                                            
73472 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



METHUSELAH, ripe centenarian,                               
Delayed many years his own buryin',                         
But who calls that livin'                                   
When no gal will give in,                                   
'Cept Anna Nichole, who likes marryin'.                     
(Anna Nichole Smith married 90 year old millionaire)        
73473 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Though he walks with help from his sticks,                  
METHUSELAH at age ninety-six                                
Will use his crabbed gait                                   
To perambulate                                              
In hearty pursuit of the chicks.                            
                                                            
73474 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Excessive brushing METICULOUS,                              
Applied to coif strands folliculous,                        
May produce such a tension,                                 
(Hesitate to mention)                                       
That hair fall, looking rediculous.                         
                                                            
73475 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though most monks will sit still and pray,                  
I know one who'd much rather play                           
And constantly probe                                        
Beneath his chaste robe,                                    
Self-pleasure, his muted metier.                            
                                                            
73476 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a METTLESOME man,                            
Said, "I'll take on all comers I can!"                      
Result of this boast                                        
And what he missed most,                                    
Were teeth in the midst of his pan.                         
                                                            
73477 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I haven't the breath that I seek                            
When I opens me mouth to speak;                             
I can naught but wheeze,                                    
So forgive me please,                                       
ME ASTHMA has left me too weak.                             
                                                            
73478 WORDS - DEFINED                Garry Hallock            



Newark Airport, the Garden State's gate,                    
Shows passengers, with little wait,                         
A MIASMIC soil,                                             
Where one refines oil,                                      
And lungs are left to their poor fate.                      
                                                            
73479 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Local downdraft is MICROBURST,                              
As dangerous as brews for thirst                            
When flying a plane                                         
Near thunder cloud's rain,                                  
So skip microbrewery first.                                 
                                                            
73480 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The thing I always think of first,                          
Whenever there's a MICROBURST,                              
Is whether the plane                                        
In the air will remain.                                     
I'm always expecting the worst.                             
                                                            
73481 WORDS - DEFINED                Harold                   



Heed controller's warning you must;                         
When flying a plane, plese adjust:                          
MICROBURST's looming,                                       
You'd better be zooming,                                    
Before you become microdust.                                
                                                            
73482 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In December's holiday scene,                                
One's finding it tough to stay lean.                        
Old Santa is there;                                         
Can't fit in his chair,                                     
But still has a radiant MIEN.                               
                                                            
73483 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some Irish farmers, MILESIAN,                               
Watered crops from wells artesian.                          
Vacationed with gendarme.                                   
How keep them down on the farm,                             
When they've seen city Parisian?                            
(Irish)                                                     
73484 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MILESIAN, a prime aural trick,                              
That comes from the land of Limerick.                       
Not a South Sea Isle                                        
With nut-brown sweet smile,                                 
But only a gap-toothed Mick!                                
(Irish)                                                     
73485 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Now MILIEU's a tough word to say,                           
If done in the fancy French way;                            
Then it rhymes with 'pure',                                 
Or else it's 'manure',                                      
Which I'll not plod into today.                             
                                                            
73486 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Rowdy sailor, while drinking in port,                       
Was arrested and hauled into court,                         
For sipping a few                                           
At local MILIEU,                                            
'Cause two pints always makes one cavort!                   
                                                            
73487 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



That MILLEFLEUR wallpaper one sees                          
Resembles a fungus disease,                                 
Or at worst, will get                                       
Some poor drunk to bet                                      
He's having a case of DT's.  (delerium tremens)             
                                                            
73488 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Feigned headaches do sometimes intrude                      
On sought-after sex interlude                               
And deflate the mate                                        
Who anticipates,                                            
Making a MINATORY mood.                                     
                                                            
73489 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Many a bed-time story                                       
Tells a tale that is MINATORY.                              
Why do we stuff                                             
Our kids with this guff,                                    
When the real world is sufficiently gory?                   
                                                            
73490 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Mean and stingy gives us MINGY                              
Which causes many to feel cringy.                           
We're glad we're not                                        
Stuck in that pot,                                          
All depressed, dark, dirty, and dingy.                      
                                                            
73491 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A MINGY old miser I knew                                    
Squeezed pennies until they were blue.                      
Then he met merry maid,                                     
Who skillfully played,                                      
Then his paupery did ensue.                                 
                                                            
73492 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There was a young virgin, who                               
Met a young swain, set to woo.                              
He made his advance;                                        
She took down her pants,                                    
And found love, MIRABILE DICTU!                             
                                                            
73493 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When the perp says word "lawyer" at all,                    
Then the cops, at once, must mouthpiece call.               
The MIRANDIZE rule                                          
Is a two-edged tool,                                        
Protects rights but may make Justice bawl.                  
                                                            
73494 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Today's cops will find it is wise                           
To every perp MIRANDIZE.                                    
Lest funky old judge                                        
Their best efforts fudge                                    
And charges dismiss, I surmise.                             
                                                            
73495 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The hodge-podge collection, MISH-MASH,                      
Dancing in puddles, splish-splash,                          
Lines willy-nilly,                                          
Verses so silly                                             
I should wear a Kovacs moustache.                           
(Ernie Kovacs 1950's-60's comedian)                         
73496 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I dropped into eatery posh,                                 
In hopes of a delicious nosh.                               
Got bagels and lox,                                         
Fried greens and ham hocks,                                 
Complete multi-ethnic MISH-MASH!                            
                                                            
73497 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



His MISOCAINEA was such,                                    
That only old things he would touch.                        
Though, seek amour,                                         
He sought out a young whore,                                
Whose freshness erected him much.                           
                                                            
73498 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Hatred of marriage, MISOGAMY,                               
Perhaps from too much endogamy,                             
Too much inbreeding,                                        
To gene pool kneading                                       
Or harmonious monogamy.                                     
(endogamy - marriage within specific group)                 
73499 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MISOGAMY can't be much fun,                                 
Because after all's said and done,                          
There are things to do,                                     
In the marriage stew,                                       
Where two is much better than one.                          
                                                            
73500 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Since the Garden of Eden's fall,                            
This has been the loud Luddite call:                        
"Since my baptism,                                          
Don't MISONEISM;                                            
If you've seen one ism, you've seen all.                    
                                                            
73501 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MISONEISM says things should be                             
Exactly as in 10 B.C.,                                      
Without fret or stew,                                       
Do as Romans do,                                            
As in todays sweet Italy.                                   
                                                            
73502 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Resisting change, MISONEISM,                                
Leads many a group into schism,                             
Contrasting Luddite                                         
With those who would fight                                  
For dreams against old fogeyism.                            
                                                            
73503 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though drunk to excess, even rude,                          
The lady was never seen nude.                               
Come-ons, she'd ignore 'em,                                 
For proper decorum                                          
Was say of this MISSISH stewed prude.                       
                                                            
73504 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



On Monopoly board freely hop,                               
But watch out wherever you stop                             
On MITTIMUS slot,                                           
'Cause then you have got                                    
"In Jail" to go and set up shop.                            
                                                            
73505 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Clever med students, in a trice,                            
Create objects that work very nice.                         
And often again                                             
To solve their chagrin,                                     
Will create a MNEMONIC device.                              
                                                            
73506 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Many hope to get through their life                         
With some mere MODICUM of strife.                           
But parenting needs,                                        
From children one breeds,                                   
Will get to each poor man and wife.                         
                                                            
73507 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If you ask the folks over here,                             
From most you would hear the words clear:                   
A MODICUM of peace,                                         
All killings to cease,                                      
Is what we want; just say it's near.                        
                                                            
73508 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



But our leaders, may they rot in hell,                      
Have ideas that they think are swell.                       
So we kill and we maim;                                     
"The other side is to blame,"                               
As we rush to disaster pell mell.                           
                                                            
73509 WORDS - DEFINED                eSTHER                   



There was an old mohel named Stiers                         
Who often drank too many beers.                             
He covered his slips                                        
With a few well-aimed snips                                 
From an old rusty pinking shears.                           
                                                            
73510 WORDS - DEFINED                Bob L Moers              



As any good mohel will vouch,                               
The bris kit contains a pouch                               
Where he puts his tips                                      
(The ones he snips),                                        
While witnesses all mutter "Ouch!"                          
                                                            
73511 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Male member of tribe will begin                             
His life with a penile foreskin.                            
But mohel will MOIL,                                        
Mid some sighs and roil,                                    
To harvest the sheath sans chagrin.                         
                                                            
73512 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our papa at cookout did moil,                               
The burgers and steaks to charbroil.                        
But pigeons from park                                       
Were out on a lark,                                         
And all his good work did despoil.                          
                                                            
73513 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Though drudgery be a sense of MOIL,                         
There is also turbulance of roil,                           
To stir up fluids                                           
In pots from druids,                                        
Whose senses may come to boil.                              
                                                            
73514 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Well, I moil for gold in the North,                         
But none of it seems to come forth!                         
There's just not enough                                     
Of this wonderful stuff                                     
To pay the "odontist" called "orth."                        
                                                            
73515 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Therefore I brush and I brush                               
Each day in the dawn's early hush.                          
Keeping gums in the pink;                                   
It's better, I think,                                       
That eating three meals of mush.                            
                                                            
73516 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



When bio time fair lady bids,                               
With urge to have and raise kids,                           
Alas and alack,                                             
It's the MOMMY TRACK,                                       
Advancement's then slow, or on skids.                       
                                                            
73517 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A MONDEGREEN?  Oh, how you bait me!                         
I asked a girl once, "Would you date me?"                   
You'll understand why                                       
I missread reply:                                           
"I think, sir, you undress to mate me."                     
                                                            
73518 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



To construct a neat MONDEGREEN,                             
Twisting what words really mean,                            
Need skill fantastic,                                       
Paronomastic,                                               
As cooked a la Dan Ford's cuisine.                          
                                                            
73519 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those words from mishearing, MONDEGREEN,                    
As soup bowl prize is wintergreen,                          
Are best understood                                         
As tree falls in woods,                                     
Unheard by Vermont Army's gangrene.                         
                                                            
73520 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Oh, to be rich a Croesus!                                   
That inspires our NISUS.                                    
So we give our cash,                                        
To the Wall Street trash,                                   
And then they proceed to fleece us.                         
                                                            
73521 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Geniuses oft have a common fate                             
With MOONCALF as a quite common trait:                      
Disruptive while schooling,                                 
Labeled dunces while fooling,                               
But with accomplishments truly great.                       
                                                            
73522 WORDS - DEFINED                Gene                     



If it's debatable, it's MOOT,                               
Commanding no rooty-toot-toot.                              
No one would care if                                        
Defensive tariff                                            
Came from Mr. Hawly or Smoot.                               
                                                            
73523 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Once something is said to be MOOT,                          
The lawyers then won't give a hoot,                         
To facts as they are,                                       
Might otherwise mar                                         
The pleadings of each worthless suit.                       
                                                            
73524 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When a man makes a pass at a lass                           
And he's wed, it's a moral MORASS.                          
But to keep disinterring                                    
The flaws of the erring,                                    
Strikes me as equally crass.                                
                                                            
73525 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



When you live in a house made of glass,                     
It is wise to not be very crass.                            
As the Prez can attest,                                     
It is most often best                                       
To avoid situation MORASS!                                  
                                                            
73526 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



The Great White, famously MORDACIOUS,                       
Has a maw that is endlessly capacious.                      
A dory's just dish                                          
For this vicious fish.                                      
And the passenger's his meal.  He's voracious.              
                                                            
73527 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The flames grew higher and higher,                          
As the brimstone fed Hell's hot fire.                       
I'd rather be MORPHEUS                                      
Than poor old Orpheus                                       
Searching for Iphigenia.                                    
                                                            
73528 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Dave,  hermit who tippled too much.                         
One night went for Venus' soft touch.                       
But lost lover's charms                                     
In MORPHEUS' arms,                                          
And spent session snoring and such.                         
                                                            
73529 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It almost requires a scoff,                                 
To know MOXIE was a soft quaff.                             
But now means a thing                                       
Of which poets sing,                                        
And proper gents would their hats doff.                     
                                                            
73530 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a man of Biloxi,                             
Who drank forty bottles of MOXIE.                           
It emboldened him so,                                       
That he just had to go,                                     
But he missed.  Now quite soggy his socksi.                 
                                                            
73531 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



A virile young man with much MOXIE,                         
Said, "I'm to be wed now, by proxy.                         
My stand-in will vow,                                       
But better not now,                                         
Bed down with my hot lady foxy."                            
                                                            
73532 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With undaunted courage, MOXIE,                              
Unless he's dumb, stubborn, oxy,                            
That virile man must                                        
Have an equal trust                                         
That hot lady's not a doxy.                                 
                                                            
73533 WORDS - DEFINED                Townmouse                



In Washington, we'll find, one day,                         
Reminder from all who would play,                           
"This is the White House,                                   
Please think of your spouse,                                
And what Mrs. Grundy might say!"                            
                                                            
73534 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When I go to the movies today,                              
Mrs. Grundy's the role that I play!                         
That four-letter word                                       
Is constantly heard,                                        
So much, that it gets in the way.                           
                                                            
73535 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Just listen to young people talk,                           
Foul words used so often, I balk!                           
It is sad but true,                                         
They will cuss at you,                                      
Thinking this is a cool way to squawk!                      
                                                            
73536 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Ruth Reichel, as was wont to do,                            
Taste tested at restaurant new;                             
Food MUCKETY-MUCK,                                          
Said "Yuckety-yuck!"                                        
And gave it an awful review.                                
(food critic New York Times)                                
73537 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MUCKETY-MUCK, misbehavin',                                  
Was undone because of stain-savin'                          
By gal who wiped lip,                                       
Then listened to Tripp,                                     
Avoidin' the dry cleanin' maven.                            
                                                            
73538 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



High MUCKY-MUCK, that boastful man                          
With ego as large as his fan.                               
"Pooh-Bah" is just so                                       
In the "Mikado",                                            
Who dwells in old pseudo-Japan.                             
                                                            
73539 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With salacious new catalogue pitch,                         
Former staid Abercrombie and Fitch,                         
Did not make the cut                                        
With group you-know-what,                                   
Or with blondes wearing nary a stitch.                      
                                                            
73540 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I've know many a high MUCKY-MUCK                            
Whose position was the result of good luck.                 
But deprived of his props,                                  
He has no real "chops"                                      
And is simply a pompous schmuck.                            
                                                            
73541 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The Fugawi elite in Nantucket                               
Race each year (They're high mucky-mucket.)                 
Through the fog off the coast,                              
In vessels they boast                                       
Is a helluva seaworthy bucket.                              
                                                            
73542 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



MULIEBRITY, legs and arms bare                              
To eliminate unsightly hair.                                
But men aren't brave                                        
To blindly shave                                            
With razor in underarm snare.                               
                                                            
73543 WORDS - DEFINED                Bob S                    



Womanhood, MULIEBRITY,                                      
May stand against celebrity.                                
An action, I think,                                         
Which drives one to drink                                   
And much pubic inebri'ty.                                   
                                                            
73544 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Thank God for MULIEBRITY,                                   
Our maternal celebrity,                                     
Does love our small quirks                                  
Even when we're jerks,                                      
And still clean us up when we're gritty.                    
                                                            
73545 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Some MULLIONS, in windows, I've had,                        
Their loss isn't specially sad,                             
It's better they flee,                                      
That wouldn't hurt me,                                      
But bye-bye to MILLIONS is bad.                             
                                                            
73546 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MULTITUDINOUS blessings for all,                            
On this special day in the Fall,                            
With life, food, and love,                                  
And friendship above,                                       
The great gifts that are at our call.                       
                                                            
73547 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In great numbers, MULTITUDINOUS,                            
Feelings of guilt do intrude in us.                         
When we're giving thanks,                                   
Might be at food banks --                                   
Mea culpa's platitudinous.                                  
                                                            
73548 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



MUMBO JUMBO of our politicians;                             
Useful tool for life's varied conditions.                   
Give congrats or condole,                                   
Pols can change role to role.                               
Kiss the babies, shake hands at morticians.                 
                                                            
73549 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Lavish, generous, MUNIFICENT,                               
Are the donor most beneficent,                              
Until you deny                                              
That for which they cry;                                    
Then indeed they turn maleficent.                           
                                                            
73550 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Look, see our pols MUNIFICENT,                              
Quite ready to help pay the rent                            
For contributors                                            
And other 'cash whores',                                    
Who campaign laws will circumvent.                          
                                                            
73551 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It surely will stick in your craw,                          
If you expect Justice sans flaw,                            
Since, when on life's journeys,                             
You'll find most attorneys,                                 
Most sadly practice MURPHY'S LAW!                           
                                                            
73552 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A MYOPIC man merkin made,                                   
To help his bad aim whilst he played.                       
Or else he'd miss spot,                                     
And fear that his shot                                      
Might on her blue dress never fade.                         
                                                            
73553 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There's a MYRIAD of excuses                                 
For gastro-nomical abuses.                                  
"I've not a big ass,                                        
It's all muscle mass.                                       
I jog but it never reduces."                                
                                                            
73554 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



As cool breezes stir in Autumn,                             
Before long there'll be noses numb,                         
Sere leaves, painted all,                                   
And ready to fall,                                          
With MYRIAD more yet to come.                               
                                                            
73555 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



MYRMIDONs together like ants,                               
Praise their Lord in monotone chants,                       
Think only of goal;                                         
That's good on the whole,                                   
But ethics get shot in the pants.                           
(loyal follower)                                            
73556 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



"Lead on!" the MYRMIDON cries,                              
With ardor that reaches to skies.                           
Then wrong or right,                                        
Is willing to fight,                                        
Until the last one of them dies.                            
                                                            
73557 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A MYRMIDON's sweet as a fruit,                              
Supports his guy, goes the whole route.                     
In Washington rare,                                         
He just isn't there,                                        
Just Willy Clinton or Newt.                                 
(loyal follower)                                            
73558 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The prophets and seers of old,                              
Are described in tall tales quite bold,                     
MYTHOPOEIC tome,                                            
The Bible's at home,                                        
As place where good morals are told.  (Bullshit - McW)      
                                                            
73559 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Ralph Nader of Greenies did score                           
The NADIR of votes, nary more.                              
Though Democrats roil,                                      
And say he did spoil,                                       
The chances of their guy, Al Gore.                          
                                                            
73560 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The lowest point, cultural NADIR,                           
Might have been King Richard Crusader,                      
Who read Roman screed                                       
And felt a great need                                       
To become mid-east blockader.                               
                                                            
73561 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The King and pied piper went charging,                      
Intent on Christiandom enlarging.                           
Chased Moslems and Jews                                     
Through alleys and mews,                                    
Every night Knights Templar discharging.                    
                                                            
73562 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The bane of olfactory fairies,                              
Worse that bad dental caries,                               
Though taste buds does please,                              
Is Limburger cheese,                                        
Once it passes by your NARES.                               
                                                            
73563 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The doors to the nose are the NARES,                        
Keeping guard like some janissaries,                        
To alert our senses                                         
Of need for defenses,                                       
Ere we be found in ossuaries.                               
                                                            
73564 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There was a young lady from Paris                           
Who had just a singular NARIS.                              
For two she'd no need;                                      
She was a half-breed.                                       
No stranger face, I'm thinking there is.                    
                                                            
73565 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



It was a difficult situation;                               
She was opposed to penetration.                             
So his erection, NASCENT,                                   
He placed adjacent,                                         
Hoping for some stimulation.                                
                                                            
73566 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Our sex acts of utter banality,                             
Inspired, or those of venality,                             
If done without care,                                       
Has consequence fair,                                       
Addition to global NATALITY.                                
                                                            
73567 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When peopled to totality,                                   
Our Earth will see brutality;                               
Like overcrowded rats,                                      
We'll see cannibal stats,                                   
Increase with lost morality.                                
                                                            
73568 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The birth rate is NATALITY,                                 
And in this world's reality                                 
Is ever increasing,                                         
Without hope of ceasing,                                    
But that, too, brings finality.                             
                                                            
73569 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I find myself NAVEL-GAZING because                          
I ponder the cord which once was                            
And the scar just below                                     
Through which babies did go.                                
Hey, it's better than picking my schnoz!                    
                                                            
73570 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl A Lemma           



Self-contemplation, NAVEL-GAZING,                           
Is not a good path to trail blazing.                        
Omphaloskepsis                                              
And too few steps is                                        
Unlikely to yield more than lazing.                         
                                                            
73571 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



NAVEL-GAZING unpleasant must be.                            
Neck needs crane that silly pock to see;                    
We're pretty obtuse,                                        
To fall for this ruse,                                      
That makes asses of you and of me.                          
                                                            
73572 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



NAVEL-GAZING, it says here in print,                        
Achieves very little by dint                                
Of scanning that pit                                        
For wisdom and wit,                                         
But then finding nothing but lint.                          
                                                            
73573 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



NEAPOLITAN, we see                                          
One from southwest of Italy,                                
Napolitano                                                  
Italiano,                                                   
With hands, talk most vigorously.                           
                                                            
73574 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The poor unfortunate NEBBISH,                               
Whose lot in life is tides ebbish,                          
Took wife when he spied her                                 
As Black Widow Spider,                                      
But now he's tried, feeling webbish.                        
                                                            
73575 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A NEBBISH, the poor timid soul,                             
Whose life is a bottom of hole.                             
Non-productive nerd,                                        
Adrift from the herd,                                       
And slipping on Life's greasy pole.                         
                                                            
73576 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'm getting new glasses today --                            
Just lenses, the frames were okay.                          
They're ready at three --                                   
Meanwhile I must see                                        
The world in a NEBULOUS way.                                
                                                            
73577 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



I thought "She's the right one for me!"                     
And professed my love on date three.                        
NEBULOUS at best,                                           
She left me depressed                                       
With, "You're just as sweet as can be."                     
                                                            
73578 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



There once was a nymphet NEFARIOUS,                         
Who practiced positions precarious.                         
Result of her tricks,                                       
Cracked peni to fix,                                        
Along with bad bruises various.                             
                                                            
73579 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Comforting potion, NEPENTHE,                                
To grandma was Creme de Menthe,                             
Bringing no worries                                         
To grieving flurries,                                       
No wormwood toxins Absinthe.                                
                                                            
73580 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For drowning sorrows there's NEPENTHE,                      
It's the libation to down when the                          
Air is so heavy                                             
Or taxes levy;                                              
A burden you ponder and then see.                           
                                                            
73581 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If one could just go to a store                             
And purchase NEPENTHE galore,                               
You might see a line                                        
Of folks spending time                                      
Waiting to order some more.                                 
                                                            
73582 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



NEPENTHE, to salve a sorrow,                                
Make for a better tomorrow,                                 
And buttress the will,                                      
To carry on still,                                          
Existing on joy we can borrow.                              
                                                            
73583 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Without a doubt we all can say                              
That NESCIENCE is rampant today,                            
In all walks of life,                                       
But surely most rife                                        
In politics where it holds sway.                            
                                                            
73584 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Time passes like a beat of a drum,                          
And though NESCIENCE may come,                              
When sooner or late,                                        
If that is one's fate,                                      
It sure sounds much better than "dumb!"                     
                                                            
73585 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A NEVUS is nice when it's seen                              
On the cheek of a proper French Queen,                      
Or a serving wench                                          
Of a horny King French,                                     
Who's focused on thighs and between.                        
                                                            
73586 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our professor new knowledge instills,                       
You're sure to improve your word skills,                    
And impress all your friends,                               
With message that sends,                                    
Them, scattering off to the hills.                          
                                                            
73587 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"Newbie"s the word I'd erase;                               
It's a word that has seen better days.                      
If you are a new netter,                                    
You deserve something better                                
Than this juvenile school-bully phrase.                     
                                                            
73588 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



A NIDDERING knew to say "Nay,"                              
Whenever there might be a fray,                             
Bad fight of some sort,                                     
Or very rough sport,                                        
Thus saving his skin for new day.                           
                                                            
73589 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Consuming liquor to NIMIETY                                 
Does not comport with a life of piety.                      
But a priest can take a shine                               
To the sacremental wine                                     
And have an impious case of inebriety.                      
                                                            
73590 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I might state, without impropiety,                          
That one of the banes of society,                           
Politicians, no doubt                                       
We can't do without.                                        
But must there be such a NIMIETY?                           
                                                            
73591 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Searching each night for a slim bod,                        
But shunned after dance for a limp rod,                     
To a doc he complained,                                     
Who Viagra explained.                                       
He's now a veritable NIMROD.                                
                                                            
73592 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



While in church, an old NINCOMPOOP,                         
Unconsciously let out a whoop,                              
As a shapely young lass                                     
Passed his pew during mass,                                 
And the priest could never regroup.                         
                                                            
73593 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



The silly old goose, NINCOMPOOP,                            
Henry Miller with girls did troop,                          
Till one night with June                                    
The girls called the tune,                                  
Which made Anais Nin come stoop.                            
                                                            
73594 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A stripper who wasn't so skinny,                            
Rebuked "Soprano," like a NINNY.                            
Big Tony, unmanned,                                         
Gave the back of his hand:                                  
"That's no way to treat this Guinea!"                       
                                                            
73595 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A blockheaded fool, NINNYHAMMER,                            
A kin of those kids Katzenjammer,                           
Thought he would bobsleigh                                  
The Olympic way,                                            
On the steep tracks of Lillehammer.                         
                                                            
73596 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



He taught English, though he had a stammer,                 
And sounded like a NINNYHAMMER.                             
They just let him teach                                     
Despite his poor speech,                                    
Becaue of expertise in grammar.                             
                                                            
73597 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A NINNYHAMMER novice, near vows,                            
Had started the priests to arouse;                          
She noted effect;                                           
Was quick to defect;                                        
And guys at strip joints she now wows.                      
                                                            
73598 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some people who find they're in hole,                       
But enjoy the nice welfare dole,                            
May develop thesis,                                         
There' no need for NISUS,                                   
A Faustian deal for their soul.                             
                                                            
73599 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those NITID beads on lustrous hair                          
Are shell casings of critters lair.                         
Of insects not nice,                                        
We've eclept as lice,                                       
And which folks should not want to share.                   
                                                            
73600 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The bright shiny glossy and NITID                           
Clear stones stolen by the benighted                        
And bumbling burglar                                        
For his bathroom gurgler,                                   
Are the reasons he is indicted.                             
                                                            
73601 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As targets of literary men's ire,                           
Clinton's plea: "Redirect your fire.                        
Dost mock you us?                                           
How NOCUOUS!                                                
How painful the barbs of satire."                           
                                                            
73602 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



There once was a NOCUOUS lad                                
Much given to pranks very bad.                              
But the evil card,                                          
Hoist on his petard,                                        
An untimely ending then had.                                
                                                            
73603 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With majestic sweep quite symphonic,                        
He drowned in his own high colonic.                         
A washout complete;                                         
Such idea is neat,                                          
With retribution ironic.                                    
                                                            
73604 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Tonight it's near forty below;                              
Not a NOCUOUS nor any wind blow!                            
But the cold sneaks around                                  
And into the ground,                                        
And it's hell when your car just won't go.                  
                                                            
73605 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



We're asked to not idle our car;                            
It makes ice fog too thick to see far.                      
So we sit in our fliver;                                    
Till it warms up, we shiver,                                
And think "For Alaska, that's par!"                         
                                                            
73606 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Each president sat in a chair;                              
Taking off mask, revealing what's there:                    
Mephistopheles all.                                         
And this was their call.                                    
Those other names, just NOMS DE GUERRE.                     
                                                            
73607 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Speedy Gonzales was his NOM DE GUERRE.                      
Balls?  Yes, he had quite a pair.                           
This demon of dash                                          
Was in and out in a flash.                                  
He secret, he wore no underwear.                            
                                                            
73608 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Nine singers, as bad as you get,                            
Thought they were all right for the Met.                    
They sang and were game                                     
But nobody came;                                            
Of income they garnered NO NET.                             
                                                            
73609 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's good they have shortened the stays                     
A hospitals in recent days,                                 
Since President tells                                       
They are living hells                                       
A NOSCOMIAL death maze.                                     
                                                            
73610 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A very short stay you should strive                         
If you wish to remain alive,                                
At hospital site,                                           
Where you just might                                        
NOSCOMIAL harm contrive.                                    
                                                            
73611 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An infection, NOSCOMIAL,                                    
From treatment, not chromosomial,                           
In hospital gained                                          
From people less trained:                                   
The dummies are quite demonial.                             
                                                            
73612 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though you may get cure, for sure,                          
And even when motives are pure,                             
The longer you stay,                                        
There'll be hell to pay,                                    
NOSCOMIALS' high cost of cure.                              
                                                            
73613 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Alarmed internists all shout,                               
"NOSOCOMIAL infection's about!"                             
Which is sure to astound                                    
Those hospital bound,                                       
Who figure they'd better stay out.                          
                                                            
73614 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The NOSEGAY sends pollen on the breeze                      
To make some sensitive noses sneeze.                        
While others must run                                       
Right out of the sun,                                       
Escaping, perhaps stings of bees.                           
                                                            
73615 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Young Thomas, from near Aberystwyth,                        
A lady from Bow had a tryst with.                           
She thought "No, 'e's gay" --  (nosegay)                    
He wasn't, so they                                          
United the organs they pissed with.                         
                                                            
73616 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



When Thomas had less to subsist with,                       
His only delight was his fist with:                         
But now he's employed                                       
With Davies and Lloyd;                                      
He's earning enought to get pissed with.                    
                                                            
73617 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



A lady he'd learned to play Liszt with                      
Implored that he drink should desist with.                  
She warned him of days                                      
In alcohol's haze;                                          
He ordered a vodka a twist with.                            
                                                            
73618 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Young Thomas is now on her list with                        
Two others from Wales she plays whist with.                 
Twelve rubbers a night,                                     
She feels is her right;                                     
The two to her mill, he's now grist with.                   
                                                            
73619 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



When snake oil along with the NOSTRUM                       
Came from pitchmen high on the rostrum,                     
Little could be done,                                       
After they had run,                                         
But suck on a beer or colostrum.                            
                                                            
73620 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It's sad how once can be so silly,                          
Granted a wish, I asked for a willy                         
With same genetic code                                      
As the creature I rode...                                   
Should have been on a horse, not a filly.                   
                                                            
73621 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



NOTORIOUS statement of Queen:                               
"We've never Conservative been!"                            
In England we rule                                          
With manners old-school --                                  
No Tory, us: Labor's our scene!                             
                                                            
73622 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Words of infamy, NOTORIOUS                                  
Will garner hard looks censorious,                          
On him who would dare                                       
Not take better care                                        
For readers' feelings uxorious.                             
                                                            
73623 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Choice of voters victorious,                                
Meant for career quite glorious,                            
But fooling around                                          
Means Willy's bound                                         
To legacy merely NOTORIOUS.                                 
                                                            
73624 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To have so much common sense, NOUS,                         
That rapid, fleeting thoughts on the loose,                 
Would be held in corral,                                    
Marshaled into chorale,                                     
And save me from the idiot's noose.                         
                                                            
73625 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To use that word, still I refuse,                           
But before Daniel tightens the screws,                      
I'll stick out my neck                                      
And say, "What the heck?"                                   
We all know no NOUS is good news.                           
                                                            
73626 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Our capital's air is quite NOXIOUS,                         
Supports little ladies quite toxious.                       
With strong sexual lure,                                    
They will in time, sure,                                    
Punch out 'Slick Willy's time cloxious.                     
                                                            
73627 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In statistics, there's a Null set,                          
Which hasn't been figured out yet.                          
There's nothing in it,                                      
Not even a bit,                                             
Not one single thing you can get.                           
                                                            
73628 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry Falk               



The law books eternally cull                                
Acts that are logically NULL.                               
There, drivel one finds                                     
From devious minds,                                         
Made lethal by dense language dull.                         
                                                            
73629 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



'Tis a strange phenomenon, dears,                           
One that a foreigner fears.                                 
Though NUMMARY's money,                                     
Isn't it funny,                                             
SUPERNUMERARY hefts spears?                                 
                                                            
73630 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Rhymsters oft resort to flummery                            
To create a mood that is summery.                           
If language they abuse,                                     
It's only to amuse;                                         
Their rewards are rarely NUMMARY.                           
                                                            
73631 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If finding an NUNCLE you can't,                             
Although there seems evidence scant,                        
You might, without doubt,                                   
Detect one about,                                           
The lady that's known as you "Naunt".                       
                                                            
73632 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Keep vitamin A out of sight;                                
Nyctalopia's great when it's right.                         
So you won't have to see                                    
Sophomoric TV,                                              
Our broad culture's ubiquitous blight.                      
                                                            
73633 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



I think there was a reaction stark                          
When in my old limericks I'd park                           
The idea NYCTALOPIC                                         
On an ancient topic:                                        
All cats are grey in the dark.                              
                                                            
73634 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris                    



I hope it's not churlish to state,                          
That most of our pols are third-rate,                       
Who never would lie                                         
But seem to get by                                          
With great talent to OBFUSCATE.                             
                                                            
73635 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The language of Law, words held dear,                       
Are meant to make all things quite clear,                   
Except when you squint                                      
At very fine print;                                         
To OBFUSCATE, pain in the rear.                             
                                                            
73636 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OBITER DICTUM, passing remark,                              
Ought not be any argument's spark,                          
But like child's wheedle,                                   
It acts as a needle                                         
Under the skin and makes the mood dark.                     
                                                            
73637 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



She railed at crude OBITER DICTUM,                          
And rather than be gender victim,                           
While he expressed glee,                                    
Brought upswards her knee                                   
And right in the "family jewels" kicked him.                
                                                            
73638 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Politicians might shun OBJURATION,                          
And earn the respect of their nation,                       
If tall tales they'd stop,                                  
Halt all the "cow flop",                                    
And rhetorical wild flagellation.                           
                                                            
73639 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The moralists take a stern measure,                         
Of how humans devote their leisure,                         
And scorn oft employ,                                       
For those who'd enjoy,                                      
OBLIVIOUS to all, save their pleasure.                      
                                                            
73640 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Obscure, becloud, or OBNUBLIATE,                            
The general effect is to obfuscate.                         
Wherein the clouding                                        
And heavy shrouding                                         
Requires a mind of quite nubile trait.                      
                                                            
73641 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sycophant, OBSEQUIOUS toad                                  
Says, "Dump on me, give me your load.                       
I've no spine you see,                                      
In sincerity,                                               
Consider me part of your road."                             
                                                            
73642 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OBSEQUIOUS worker would crawl                               
And pick up what big boss let fall.                         
Result of such fawning,                                     
With new job a-dawning,                                     
The SYCOPHANT won over all.                                 
                                                            
73643 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Those nice round stones of OBSIDIAN                         
Along the Jordan meridian,                                  
Were a joy bringer                                          
To a rock slinger                                           
Of towering feats Davidian.                                 
                                                            
73644 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



They say those Neanderthal fools                            
Were skilled in OBSIDIAN tools,                             
Which helped them to tame                                   
The mammoths and game                                       
Long before anti-NRA rules. (National Rifle Assoc)          
                                                            
73645 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Knights first used corks to OBTURATE,                       
Lest rivals their wives penetrate.                          
Then a clever Celt                                          
Invented the "belt";                                        
That way the ladies could menstruate.                       
                                                            
73646 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



When pasta fagioli he ate,                                  
Giuseppe, ere going on a date                               
With visions of bliss                                       
With Venetian miss,                                         
Used wine cork to vent OBTURATE.                            
                                                            
73647 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some people with weird minds perverse,                      
Have a tendency to converse                                 
In a very odd way;                                          
Don't mean what they say,                                   
But state things in ways quite OBVERSE.                     
                                                            
73648 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's pleasant to use OBVIATE,                               
Politeness is such a nice trait,                            
Than give a loud slam,                                      
And "Don't give a damn!,                                    
When someone you're showing the gate.                       
                                                            
73649 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A preemptive move does OBVIATE,                             
If target it does obliviate;                                
If not, one will soon                                       
Expect counter tune                                         
To come whistling from the obdurate.                        
                                                            
73650 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Old Reno OBVIATES humor,                                    
Monopoly's not a tumor.                                     
Company's demise,                                           
Who lives and who dies.                                     
Winner is choice of consumer.                               
                                                            
73651 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



The delivery of choice, OCCIPUT,                            
With a "breach", out comes baby's butt.                     
Then mom's in a stew,                                       
Child just won't go through,                                
And sometimes her belly is cut.                             
                                                            
73652 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The Yanks of New York did collude                           
The young Marlin's win to OCCLUDE;                          
While giving their best,                                    
They failed in the test,                                    
But kept from becoming unglued.                             
                                                            
73653 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Celestial block, OCCULTATION,                               
Shielding view from Earth-bound station.                    
And interest sparks                                         
In study of quarks,                                         
Till similar usurpation.                                    
                                                            
73654 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Mooning may be a sensation;                                 
For me, I prefer OCCULTATION.                               
Then someone else peeks                                     
At insulting cheeks,                                        
Deserving stern flagellation.                               
                                                            
73655 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OCCULTATION reminded                                        
Star-crossed lovers are blinded;                            
Pay no other court,                                         
Not at all the sort                                         
Who had my friend Chris behinded.                           
                                                            
73656 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In OCKHAM'S RAZOR, you'll find                              
The key to a less cluttered mind.                           
And when all is said,                                       
Perhaps, won't lose head,                                   
For tail, or some other behind.                             
                                                            
73657 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



While the octopus swims in the sea,                         
The OCTOTHORP conspicuously                                 
Is the sign of "number"                                     
And does encumber                                           
The dials of the phone company.                             
                                                            
73658 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The OCTOTHORPE icon I know,                                 
Is there on the phone dial, just so.                        
But most folks on Earth                                     
Will know its real worth                                    
Is for game of hot "Tic Tac Toe."                           
                                                            
73659 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The modern theater, ODEUM,                                  
Surrounded by lights of sodium,                             
Has seats commodious                                        
And tones melodious,                                        
But too often tales of odium.                               
                                                            
73660 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



"Oenophile," a word so pretentious,                         
It makes me feel very contentious.                          
Some folks, well they think                                 
The wine that they drink                                    
With French name won't make them licentious!                
                                                            
73661 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



I'd like to state, right from the start,                    
Though OENOPHILES pump their great "art,"                   
My alternate view                                           
Is: more than a few                                         
Are nothing but "winos" at heart!                           
                                                            
73662 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My wife has just one major flaw:                            
She follows advice from her ma.                             
Which is a good reason                                      
To have open season                                         
On OFFICIOUS mother-in-law.                                 
                                                            
73663 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



A young waiter to the mob quite OFFICIOUS,                  
Spoke too much while clearing their dishes.                 
His mouth went yap, yap,                                    
The guns went rat-tat,                                      
And now he sleeps with the fishes.                          
                                                            
73664 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl a Lemma           



Supercilious folks OFFICIOUS                                
Make us exceedingly suspicious                              
And cause us to view                                        
Their acts with black hue,                                  
And their presence as quite pernicious.                     
                                                            
73665 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A smart-ass young snob, quite OFFICIOUS,                    
Offered advice injudicious.                                 
He got for his troubles,                                    
A mouth full of bubbles,                                    
Which he found not quite so delicious.                      
                                                            
73666 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My wife is extremely OFFICIOUS,                             
When I'm preparing my gourmet dishes.                       
But she hates fins and claws,                               
So when near she draws                                      
And says "What's cooking?" I say "Fish is."                 
                                                            
73667 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Candidates all are OFFICIOUS,                               
Seeing constituents' wishes                                 
Get their prompt due,                                       
Especially if you                                           
Send campaign cash so delicious!                            
                                                            
73668 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A writer of limerick verse                                  
OFTENTIMES makes his fans disperse                          
By stretching the meters                                    
And frustrating readers                                     
And makes what was bad, a lot worse.                        
                                                            
73669 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Getting OLD, I have given a try.                            
It's not a bad thing, bye-the-bye,                          
When it is compared                                         
With being earth-layered,                                   
Or being today's teen, Oh My!                               
                                                            
73670 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OLEAGINOUS, to say the least,                               
Is another way to say the word "greased."                   
But he who butters you up                                   
And mixes sex with smut,                                    
Will leave you to pay.  Oh the beast!                       
                                                            
73671 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Watch out, lass, for wolves in disguise;                    
Those cool OLEAGINOUS guys,                                 
Who at slightest chance,                                    
Get into your pants,                                        
And leave you with fetal surprise.                          
                                                            
73672 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She had OLEAGINOUS lover,                                   
Whose work she could never discover.                        
When asked what he did,                                     
He's flutter a lid,                                         
While sly smile would on his lips hover.                    
                                                            
73673 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OLIGOPSONY one can embrace                                  
If one sits in a very high place.                           
One can contract for                                        
The oil spoils of war,                                      
With no bids or cost ceilings to face.                      
                                                            
73674 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Unless voter turnout is great,                              
Coming vote in our West Golden State,                       
With candidates funny.                                      
OLIGOPSONY                                                  
Will determing their Governor's fate.                       
                                                            
73675 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Undue pressure's OLIGOPSONY,                                
Whose patterns do breed monotony,                           
Wherein the few rich                                        
Give poor folks a switch                                    
To gain support for their nominee.                          
                                                            
73676 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The OMBUDSMAN is mediator,                                  
A citizen's main advocator.                                 
Though I'm suspicious                                       
Of one so officious,                                        
Who questions like interrogator.                            
                                                            
73677 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An OMBUDSMAN's sure to amaze;                               
His love for all flowers, a craze.                          
With omni buds found                                        
In garden all 'round,                                       
While some are at home in a vase.                           
                                                            
73678 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With such an OMINIUM-GATHERUM,                              
We should oft hold and then lather 'em,                     
In the hope that thence                                     
They'd use common sense                                     
Rather than ominium blatherum.                              
                                                            
73679 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Despite intellectual tools                                  
Intent on making new rules,                                 
In Congress they sit,                                       
Each greedy half-wit,                                       
Our OMINIUM-GATHERUM of fools.                              
                                                            
73680 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The sky overhead looks OMINOUS;                             
I fear they'll drop a bomb on us.                           
But if we pray for peace,                                   
Maybe wars will all cease,                                  
Instilling a new sense of calm in us.                       
                                                            
73681 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl                   



Gearheads think it is quite sufficient                      
In order to be tagged OMNISCIENT                            
To answer all FAQ's                                         
About PC's and Macs,                                        
While their social skills are deficient.                    
                                                            
73682 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



If into my house you would come,                            
You'd see a true omnium gatherum;                           
Dust bunnies and books,                                     
Fossils resting in nooks,                                   
Art music and nothing hum-drum!                             
                                                            
73683 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



I scan my OMPHALOS with care,                               
And peer into its awesome lair,                             
But find a mere hint                                        
Of comforting lint,                                         
And wonder how it settled there.                            
                                                            
73684 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OMPHALOS defines central point,                             
Where once was placenta conjoint.                           
But now 'tis a well                                         
For supine rondel,                                          
Holding oils with which lovers anoint.                      
                                                            
73685 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



OMPHALOSKEPTIC looking for glint                            
Of Wisdom saw naught but navel lint.                        
His rabbi told him                                          
"Abandon your whim                                          
And go get a life!  Sei gesind!"  (be healthy)              
                                                            
73686 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Nail-biting ONYCHOPHAGIA                                    
For many was just what made ya,                             
Strategy winning                                            
For frequent grinning                                       
In manner of coprophagia.                                   
                                                            
73687 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



True to his parents predictions,                            
As son with fallacious addictions,                          
Brought OPPROBRIUM fame                                     
To his father's proud name...                               
'Cause they were both men of "convictions!"                 
                                                            
73688 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



When it comes to ladies, men all                            
Try to understand it's a task tall.                         
Some OPSIMATH will                                          
Strive at it, until                                         
His penis, he finds, is too small.                          
                                                            
73689 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Now that I'm in life's aftermath,                           
I learn that I'm an OPSIMATH!                               
But what was truly earned                                   
Was that knowledge I learned                                
While trodding down a primrose path.                        
                                                            
73690 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Late learning joys for an opsimath                          
Likely include now seeing the path                          
By which he can grow                                        
More and more to know                                       
And one day become a polymath.                              
                                                            
73691 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In eighth grade, to spell logorrhea                         
Ain't everyone's winning idea.                              
'Cause learning delayed                                     
Till the twentieth grade                                    
Is an opsimath's philosophia.                               
                                                            
73692 WORDS - DEFINED                Prof M-G                 



OPUS is the creative work                                   
Of artist, author, rug-making Turk;                         
Taken together,                                             
Bundled in tether,                                          
And presented without a smirk.                              
                                                            
73693 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Contrary, our OPUS, our lives,                              
Is just to satisfy our wives.                               
(I can't be bolder,                                         
Over my shoulder,                                           
She's standing with two butcher knives!)                    
                                                            
73694 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Ladies say, "Men like to grope us.",                        
Only they could give some hope. Us,                         
With testosterones,                                         
Deep in our bones,                                          
The drive is poor gent's life OPUS.                         
                                                            
73695 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A little work is OPUSCULE,                                  
Although creations miniscule                                
May be difficult,                                           
For stress, if occult,                                      
Can damage in manner most cruel.                            
                                                            
73696 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As a whole, PIR seems to me                                 
Famed OPUSCULUM some day may be                             
Portraying our times                                        
In humorous rhymes,                                         
All completely hyperbole free.                              
                                                            
73697 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Short story, according to some,                             
May rank as great OPUSCULUM.                                
Like Poe, with his shivers,                                 
O Henry's gift givers,                                      
All tales to which we will succumb.                         
                                                            
73698 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Her style of dress was ORCHIDACEOUS.                        
Her display of cleavage, ostentatious.                      
A crowd soon collected,                                     
Though no one objected.                                     
But one chap muttered something salacious.                  
                                                            
73699 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Don Trump's "arm candy" outrageous,                         
With well stuffed figures, curvaceous;                      
Well gowned from his horde,                                 
He keeps them on board                                      
For entrances ORCHIDACEOUS.                                 
                                                            
73700 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Since the east is Jerusalem's place,                        
Most synagogues to the east face.                           
But how orientate                                           
When you're in a state                                      
Due north, south, east, or in space.                        
                                                            
73701 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



The leading standard, ORIFLAMME,                            
Less inspiring to modern Sam,                               
Is, nevertheless,                                           
The national dress,                                         
When competing, making grand slam.                          
                                                            
73702 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A rallying flag, ORIFLAMME,                                 
Most likely inspiring sham.                                 
For those on the line,                                      
Such sentiment fine,                                        
It really just ain't worth a damn.                          
                                                            
73703 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Muraski's love story so bold,                               
In ORIHON print, I am told,                                 
Will fantasy feed;                                          
I can't wait to read                                        
And see this tale horny unfold.                             
                                                            
73704 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ORTHOGRAPHY, the study of spelling;                         
Histography, of the past it is telling.                     
Pick scholar's pursuit,                                     
But if you like loot,                                       
Pornography is the best selling.                            
                                                            
73705 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



ORTHOGRAPHY seems, if you will,                             
Most useful to have as a skill,                             
To write and make sense,                                    
And not cross the fence,                                    
Ot illiterate overkill.                                     
                                                            
73706 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



Learning good spelling, ORTHOGRAPHY,                        
Is difficult in geography;                                  
What my tongue calls right                                  
In another's sight,                                         
Becomes malignant typography.                               
                                                            
73707 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Standard spelling, ORTHOGRAPHY,                             
As precise as cartography,                                  
Sometimes is bludgeon                                       
Used by a curmudgeon                                        
To raise his plethysmography.                               
                                                            
73708 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



ORTHOGRAPHY's needed no doubt,                              
If you'd get a smart e-mail out.                            
Without your spell-check,                                   
Thoughts can be a wreck;                                    
Signs of an illiterate lout.                                
                                                            
73709 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OSCITANT's "sleepy," I swear,                               
But in back of my mind somewhere,                           
It seem more to fit                                         
Where my aunt would sit                                     
Right on her old derriere.                                  
                                                            
73710 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Passionate or sweet kiss, OSCULATE,                         
Requires no one to matriculate,                             
But rather some sense,                                      
More tender than tense,                                     
Of desire, joyous love of your mate.                        
                                                            
73711 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I will tell you when it's too late                          
To osculate with a great date;                              
He might get too shy                                        
And wonder, "Oh my!"                                        
Then premature, ejaculate.                                  
                                                            
73712 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



While this we here only postulate,                          
If you'd avoid the ejaculate,                               
Result of kissing:                                          
Periods missing.                                            
Don't use spermicide gloss too late.                        
                                                            
73713 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



With lips touching we do OSCULATE;                          
Such kissing does often stimulate                           
And slowly stroking                                         
The love fires stoking,                                     
May induce women to ovulate.                                
                                                            
73714 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Women, when men wish to mate 'em,                           
Use ways that they try to rate 'em.                         
The very old guide                                          
To fish for a bride,                                        
Is to hold and then osculate 'em.                           
                                                            
73715 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OSCULATE, loving lips meet,                                 
In French way, with furtive tongue fleet,                   
To ignite the flame                                         
In the mating game,                                         
With hoped for communion complete.                          
                                                            
73716 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



OSCULATE, word of bliss is,                                 
It's something to do with the misses,                       
The finest of terms,                                        
For swapping some germs,                                    
Exchanging extremely wet kisses.                            
(kissing)                                                   
73717 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



French people osculate with their tongue,                   
Which causes many colds among.                              
Better to use mask                                          
As do the Spanish Basque,                                   
And keep viruses out of your lung.                          
                                                            
73718 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



The eager young swain on first date,                        
whose desires barely could wait,                            
Would never get wish.                                       
The beauty, cold fish,                                      
Was just not one to OSCULATE.                               
                                                            
73719 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If that swain really wanted to titillate.                   
Would on this cold fish just osculate                       
On those parts nether.                                      
Perhaps to see whether                                      
She would deign to reciprocate.                             
                                                            
73720 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



The ugly girl's beau wouldn't date her,                     
But his lust for kisses was greater                         
That was his disgust.                                       
I asked, "Were you bussed?                                  
No answer.  I'll just OSCULATER."                           
                                                            
73721 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The joy of OSCULATION,     (Leads to other fine temptation.)
Whether long or short in duration.                          
'Tis sweet as candy,                                        
And feels just dandy,                                       
Loving, expressive sensation                                
(kissing)                                                   
73722 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When next you would seek elevation,                         
Don't accept just the mere escalation.                      
The highest of bliss                                        
Can be sought with a kiss.                                  
So focus instead on osculation.                             
                                                            
73723 WORDS - DEFINED                Terry                    



A side take on the word, if you please,                     
Into five limerick lines I will squeeze.                    
Mononucleosis,                                              
From Epstein-Barr doses,                                    
Was called OSCULATION disease.                              
                                                            
73724 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



With danger the word OUGHT is fraught;                      
It may mean a lot or just AUGHT.                            
I really can't tell,                                        
That homonym fell,                                          
Another conundrum I've caught.                              
                                                            
73725 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



About OXTER I must admit                                    
Its meaning I knew not a bit.                               
But it achieved fame                                        
As Olde English name,                                       
Denoting a smelly armpit.                                   
                                                            
73726 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PABULUM, some folks have for brains;                        
Cannot come inside when it rains.                           
And I suspect                                               
When they elect                                             
Politicians, they hope for no pains!                        
                                                            
73727 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The PABULUM that our pols feed,                             
Conceals their corruption and greed.                        
Hands in public till,                                       
They take as they will,                                     
For retirement fund they will need.                         
                                                            
73728 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Remember the days of your youth,                            
When boys were to girls quite uncouth.                      
And the sweet, shy bloke,                                   
Mere PABULUM spoke;                                         
They were scared to death.  That's the truth.               
                                                            
73729 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



 ARA AVIS is the Padookie;                                  
It flies circular paths that are spooky.                    
With patterns eccentric,                                    
Inwardly concentric,                                        
Padookie flies up its own tookie.                           
                                                            
73730 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



They climbed to what was worth seein',                      
With great thirst for their inner bein',                    
And drank till the peak.                                    
Then they were quick to seek                                
The perfect spot for their proffered PAEAN.                 
                                                            
73731 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



From the men's room there issued a PAEAN.                   
I opened the door just to see in.                           
There stood an old coot,                                    
Grasping his root;                                          
"It took me ten minutes but I'm peein'."                    
                                                            
73732 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



In girls' school we sang paeans joylessly;                  
No fun was it learning things boylessly.                    
Our knowledge base grew;                                    
It seems to be true;                                        
Sans boys, girls enrich themselves coylessly.               
                                                            
73733 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Today's somber verses are trying,                           
Enough to set all the clowns crying.                        
But fear not, my dears,                                     
For Pagliacci's tears                                       
Are what keeps his tukus from frying.                       
                                                            
73734 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Two lovers upon a PAILLASSE,                                
Cut from and lying in high grass,                           
Were seen when stirring                                     
Set them both purring,                                      
Attracting her mother's spy glass.                          
                                                            
73735 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Just cannot have fun anymore,                               
First rash on the ass makes you sore,                       
Then no fun in lying,                                       
When Mama's a-spying,                                       
My ass on PAILLAISSE is a bore.                             
                                                            
73736 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Denigrate not light PALAVER;                                
For such talk is social salver;                             
Nabobs nattering,                                           
Cherubs chattering,                                         
Keep one from seeming cadaver.                              
                                                            
73737 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If for you, my meaning does quaver,                         
Pronounce the word as "pal"-"laver",                        
Tub sharer divine,                                          
It's so clean and fine,                                     
I suppose it is also soap-saver.                            
                                                            
73738 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



His chatty date just drove him wild;                        
She babbled all night like a child.                         
But he thought he could have her,                           
Despite the PALAVER,                                        
Then ended frustrated and riled.                            
                                                            
73739 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Though PALAVER means beating of gums,                       
Dissecting that word now becomes,                           
A subject first rate,                                       
Like bath with your mate;                                   
Melody d'amour the pair hums.                               
                                                            
73740 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The use of PALILOGY clever,                                 
Is a nice poetic endeavor.                                  
Though it seem absurd,                                      
To repeat a word,                                           
Forever and ever and ever.                                  
                                                            
73741 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"Madam, I'm Adam," said he.                                 
"The world's first PALINDROM!", said she.                   
Eve's observation                                           
Provoked Adam's exclamation:                                
"The world's first wordsmith, that's me."                   
                                                            
73742 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



I find PALINDROME wretched curse;                           
It's like anagram, only much worse,                         
Because all the words                                       
Assembled in herds,                                         
Have meanings when read in reverse.                         
                                                            
73743 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Reversible word the PALINDROME                              
In superstition does find a home.                           
Luck forward and back,                                      
Like gem in haystack,                                       
Or perhaps having a buddy in Rome.                          
                                                            
73744 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Don't know if you're coming or going?                       
There here is a word that's worth knowing.                  
The PALINDROME's pathway                                    
First letter to last may                                    
Make sense when it's either way flowing.                    
                                                            
73745 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The straw stuffing a PALLIASSE,                             
Unless cased in a tough canvas,                             
Will yield much sticking                                    
Of skin through ticking                                     
And quite a red rash on the ass.                            
                                                            
73746 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If you think the suggestion crass,                          
Then stay there on moldy PALLIASSE,                         
Though safer, it's sure,                                    
Your boredom endure,                                        
Away from the Earth's madding mass.                         
                                                            
73747 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



When facing ennui and malaise,                              
And Life has become a grey phase,                           
To start climbing back,                                     
Get out of the sack,                                        
Eschew the warm fetal PALLIASSE.                            
                                                            
73748 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PALLIATION as practiced by docs,                            
Differs from Clinton's ad hocs                              
On policy gaffs,                                            
Which bring us few laughs,                                  
But shore up the big defense stocks.                        
                                                            
73749 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a PALOOKA named Joe,                         
As those of a certain age know.                             
His comic strip                                             
Was never hip,                                              
But quite popular in those years, long ago.                 
                                                            
73750 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



PALOOKAS to boxing resort,                                  
Then pay for their time in the sport.                       
When blows rain in bunches;                                 
Result of such punches:                                     
Cripple, neurological sort.                                 
                                                            
73751 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PALIMPSESTS are things of the past,                         
Since today's bold scribblings last,                        
In electronic form,                                         
Where the PC's the norm                                     
Of communicating thoughts fast.                             
                                                            
73752 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Brooklyn Bob, with an attitude rash,                        
Decided grand gala to crash;                                
Though dress habits ran                                     
To Cro-magnon man,                                          
He carried it off with PANACHE.                             
                                                            
73753 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PANDEMIC is in daily news,                                  
Worry 'bout dread Hong Kong flus.                           
No 'Chicken Delight',                                       
Birds cut down on sight,                                    
Not nice to be in their shoes.                              
                                                            
73754 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Curses on PANDORA and her BOX.                              
Didn't those Titans have decent locks?                      
Her curiosity                                               
Brought atrocity                                            
And civilization that's on the rocks.                       
                                                            
73755 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



PANEGYRIC, most dear to our hearts,                         
We limericists crave -- for our art.                        
But the author's forgotten,                                 
(Be the verse clean or rotten),                             
And all that's recalled are some parts.                     
                                                            
73756 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



PANEGYRIC, ultimate praise;                                 
You need a good friend, one to phrase.                      
With most folks, 'twill be,                                 
Unfortunately,                                              
Delivered on their funeral days.                            
                                                            
73757 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Paeans for eons, PANEGYRIC,                                 
Salute others with phrases lyric,                           
Though in some cases,                                       
It's urns and vases                                         
Holding fruit of victory pyrrhic.                           
                                                            
73758 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The hen night of our sister Pam                             
Was graced by a horny young man,                            
Who stripped off his coat                                   
To reveal legs of a goat,                                   
And explained to her "I'm you Pan-Gram!"                    
                                                            
73759 WORDS - DEFINED                Townmouse                



A PANGRAM is quite rare to see,                             
But I'll try this weird vagary,                             
'Cause zeal I'll display,                                   
In a jarring way,                                           
For wicked excess writ con brie.                            
                                                            
73760 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I thought that PANGRAM meant other,                         
The sort who with love would smother                        
In cozy cottage                                             
With chicken pottage,                                       
The universal grandmother.                                  
                                                            
73761 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PANNIER, indeed the bread server,                           
(As well as basket on a road swerver)                       
Taking provisions                                           
For dining visions,                                         
Maitre d's particular fervor.                               
                                                            
73762 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Now where have the baddies all gone?                        
To place with a PANOPTICON.                                 
No longer pursued,                                          
They're easily viewed;                                      
All ugly ducks, never a swan.                               
                                                            
73763 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PANSPERMIA seed alien                                       
Created race mammalian                                      
In various styles                                           
Just like on X-files,                                       
Even Episcopalian.                                          
                                                            
73764 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



PANSPERMIA, defined anew,                                   
From mishap right after she blew,                           
Like stain on a dress,                                      
On pants, a like mess,                                      
Now DNA evidence too!                                       
                                                            
73765 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PAPARAZZI, should they be banned?                           
Cries the public, now on one hand,                          
Condemning their jobs,                                      
But the Public are slobs,                                   
Who order the work on demand.                               
                                                            
73766 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PAPARAZZI relation's love-hate,                             
Wherein celebs with flesh titillate,                        
Then scream bloody murder                                   
At the guy on the girder,                                   
Who must have just walked through the gate.                 
                                                            
73767 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



On a Vespa came PAPARAZZO,                                  
To the celebrity palazzo,                                   
With camera in hand,                                        
To perch in the sand,                                       
And catch the display on terrazzo.                          
                                                            
73768 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A guiding template, PARADIGM,                               
Example that stands test of time,                           
Like limerick, don't muck it,                               
Remember Nantucket,                                         
To get right scansion of rhyme.                             
                                                            
73769 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The PARADIGM, cultural system                               
(There've been millions, I'm not goihng to list 'em:)       
The ones we still use                                       
Get much New-Age abuse                                      
And the ones that are gone -- no-one's missed 'em.          
                                                            
73770 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



One's belongings, PARAPHERNALIA,                            
Including more than genitalia,                              
Must be taken along                                         
To the far billabong                                        
For an Australian saturnalia.                               
                                                            
73771 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There's the singing and baccanalia,                         
Mathilda and her echolalia,                                 
While dancing around                                        
To the digeree's sound,                                     
Will certainly charm and regale ya.                         
                                                            
73772 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Shoe-living is stuff of hilarity,                           
Old woman of uncertain PARITY,                              
The old fable said,                                         
Put her kids to bed,                                        
Scrubbed to state of fine clarity.                          
                                                            
73773 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Battling sex in sincerity,                                  
Professor discussed rarity;                                 
"When men can give birth,"                                  
She said with some mirth,                                   
"Only then will we reach PARITY."                           
                                                            
73774 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The slick Yank would quickly PARLAY                         
A few drinks for a roll in the hay.                         
Despite his poor French,                                    
He'd land winsome wench                                     
With a smile and a sly, "Vous voulez?"                      
                                                            
73775 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a fellow named Charlie                       
Who with charm was able to PARLEY                           
A bottle of whiskey                                         
And a gal who was frisky                                    
Into much more than malted barley.                          
                                                            
73776 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Though professional sport's PARLOUS play.                   
Participants, at end of day,                                
Most, physical wrecks,                                      
Will get big pay checks,                                    
So they can lead lives gone astray.                         
                                                            
73777 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The dangerous meaning of PARLOUS                            
Is probably lost on the scarless.                           
It sounds of talking                                        
Rather than stalking,                                       
Or Clinton suddenly cigarless.                              
                                                            
73778 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Today PARLOUS parlors might be                              
Where you might contact H.I.V..                             
A red light quickie                                         
Might get you real sickie,                                  
Unless you play momo-gamely.                                
                                                            
73779 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When parents are away from home,                            
Necking's better than using foam.                           
Avoid pregnancy.                                            
It won't cause HIV,                                         
You can stop if folks in the door roam.                     
                                                            
73780 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



But PARLOUS nevertheless,                                   
If boy tries to remove her dress,                           
Then parents walk in,                                       
And suspect worse sin,                                      
And exhort youngsters to confess.                           
                                                            
73781 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



The word-playing PARONOMASIA,                               
Low humor from Europe to Asia,                              
Surely does take wit,                                       
Though only a bit,                                          
So others must think: euthanasia!                           
                                                            
73782 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To squeeze from a word something funny                      
Is a sweet ambrosia like honey.                             
Good PARONOMASIA                                            
A rich reward pays ya                                       
But seldom brings in any money.                             
                                                            
73783 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



PARONOMASIA is sunny                                        
Word play, so bright, sweet as honey.                       
Which, soon as one hears,                                   
Dissolves to fun tears,                                     
Rollicking, recklessly, punny.                              
                                                            
73784 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I have learned a new word; it is "parse".                   
With this method, plain talk becomes farce.                 
Just massage every word                                     
'Til the message is blurred,                                
And any likeness to truth becomes sparse.                   
                                                            
73785 WORDS - DEFINED                Jim Weaver Collection    



Forced to PARSE while still in school,                      
I constructed this simple tool:                             
"I" is the subject;                                         
"Them" is the object;                                       
In between there's a verb, as a rule.                       
                                                            
73786 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



One PARSIMONIOUS might be                                   
Said to live quite NIGGARDLY,                               
Except that that word,                                      
I've recently heard,                                        
Is expunged 'cause it ain't P.C.                            
                                                            
73787 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some snobs, I have known one or two,                        
Show signs that they are PARVENU,                           
Eat peas with a knife,                                      
Sport overdressed wife,                                     
Who'll dye hair in shades pink and blue.                    
                                                            
73788 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



God's grace celebrate at Passover,                          
With matzo and filled sole of Dover;                        
Adonai blessing,                                            
Tradition dressing,                                         
Anticipating coming clover.                                 
(adonai - Hebrew for Lord)                                  
73789 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To forge identities new                                     
Israelis of every hue                                       
Got rid of surnames                                         
(Old identity frames)                                       
And put PATRONYMICS on view.                                
                                                            
73790 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



That's why, in the telephone book,                          
When for a new name you look,                               
The Bens you will find                                      
Go on 'til you're blind.                                    
Like Smith, that American hook.                             
                                                            
73791 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



Ben-Gurion, Ben-Yitzhak, Ben-Tal,                           
Ben-Avraham, Ben-Ariel, Ben-gal,                            
There is just no end                                        
To ways you can bend                                        
Ben-, for a name that won't pall.                           
                                                            
73792 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



If a guy has a name like Ben-Ben,                           
What happens in naming game, when                           
He too, has a lad,                                          
Is label then had,                                          
As Ben-Ben-Ben, really then?                                
                                                            
73793 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Such showy adornments are fine,                             
But I think they're quite PAVONINE,                         
And needed by some,                                         
Who'd rather not bum                                        
Around with a group such as mine.                           
                                                            
73794 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Today's pampered youth's free to choose                     
And sport some weird spikey hairdos.                        
They send up our scene,                                     
Tipped red, blue, and green,                                
With pelage of PAVONINE hues.                               
                                                            
73795 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Make love not war, is my command.                           
I really want to understand                                 
Why men never learn,                                        
And women just yearn,                                       
And Peace keeps extending it's hand!                        
                                                            
73796 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



It would be great future in store,                          
If we could make love and not war.                          
But mankind's intent,                                       
On destruction bent,                                        
Till our kind will be here no more.                         
                                                            
73797 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To Judeo-Christians out there,                              
May this coming weekend be fair,                            
To celebrate Hope,                                          
And help us all cope,                                       
While sweet "Peace on Earth", we all share.                 
                                                            
73798 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PECKSNIFFIAN describes the notion                           
That pharisees go through the motion,                       
But don't understand                                        
The full meaning grand                                      
Of commandments from beyond Goshen.                         
                                                            
73799 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



Law says one musn't PECULATE,                               
Or in a dark prison you'd percolate.                        
This PECuliar word,                                         
As I've read and heard,                                     
Has origins that are quite sPECulate.                       
                                                            
73800 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Caught indulging in PECULATION                              
A co-worker caused speculation.                             
What will the judge say?                                    
She's now on her way -                                      
Sot start her short incarceration.                          
                                                            
73801 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Professor, in love's throes quite frantic,                  
Thought that he might write rhymes romantic;                
Sent limericks instead,                                     
His sullen lass said,                                       
"Your pitiful poems are PEDANTIC!"                          
                                                            
73802 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Our VP was downright PEDANTIC,                              
Which made his spin doctors quite frantic.                  
Till a long public kiss                                     
Made the pundits say this                                   
Shows potential for future tricks antic.                    
                                                            
73803 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Our Congress has released, PELL-MELL,                       
The story of misdeeds, quite fell.                          
Morality tale,                                              
Which may lead to jail,                                     
Or to political hell.                                       
                                                            
73804 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Poor Peter, with PENCHANT for pinching                      
The bottoms of ladies, while inching                        
Real close for a squeeze;                                   
Result if you please,                                       
A slap in the face he'll be cinching.                       
                                                            
73805 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



How would Peter the Pincher respond                         
If dames from Baths and Beyond,                             
Sidling up with no flinch,                                  
Give his peter a pinch                                      
And bruise his own magic wand.                              
                                                            
73806 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



"From this sad revelation," thought she,                    
"My life PENTIMENTO will be;                                
With marriage asunder,                                      
It will be seen under                                       
The glaze of rejection for me.                              
                                                            
73807 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



PEPPIER, the dispenser of pepper,                           
Is a tall, wooden thingamabob schlepper,                    
Who'll ask unctuously,                                      
If he might be free,                                        
To treat you like a handless leper.                         
                                                            
73808 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Grinding like a rite of the church,                         
With dark powdery stuff to besmirch,                        
Chef's presentation,                                        
With abomination;                                           
You'd rather then leave in a lurch.                         
                                                            
73809 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If I could have my own way,                                 
I'd exile the swarthy PEPPIER,                              
Replacing instead                                           
With a guy who brings bread,                                
I guess that he's called the PANNIER.                       
                                                            
73810 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Poor nun in a pregnant condition,                           
Caused by untimely submission                               
To a bishop's call,                                         
One night in dark hall,                                     
The path to the lady's PERDITION.                           
                                                            
73811 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The cobbler fell into Hell's hole;                          
Redemption the clergyman's goal,                            
Was spared sad PERDITION                                    
With this strong petition                                   
"God bless shoe" and thus saved his sole.                   
                                                            
73812 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



If someone sets out on a ramble,                            
That's really much more than a gambol,                      
A long walk's in store;                                     
He'll warm-up for sure,                                     
A PEREGRINATION pre-amble.                                  
                                                            
73813 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



In minds of rhymesters PERFIDIOUS,                          
A word's meaning ain't fastidious.                          
For you'll think of one                                     
Then they'll make a pun                                     
In hopes you'll laugh at the hidious.                       
                                                            
73814 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Faithless, treachery PERFIDIOUS,                            
Willy's tangled web insidious,                              
Grew from sex function                                      
Without compunction,                                        
A history most invidious.                                   
                                                            
73815 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PERFIDIOUS Willy atone,                                     
You may provide "service" alone,                            
But alibi slips                                             
Where young woman's lips                                    
Give help, while you're holding a phone.                    
                                                            
73816 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PERGOLAS of beauty, they say,                               
Which aren't seen much every day,                           
May be cool and jivey                                       
Until poison ivy                                            
Wends into the showy display.                               
                                                            
73817 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The latticework arbor, PERGOLA,                             
Shaped like an overturned gondola,                          
Is cover with flowers                                       
And over us towers,                                         
As we walk in shadows angula.                               
                                                            
73818 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Closest to sun, PERIHELION,                                 
Point where planet does a wheely on;                        
From here on, let's say                                     
It's moving away,                                           
Red shifting just like a chameleon.                         
                                                            
73819 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For Pluto, 248 years,                                       
Is all it takes till it nears                               
The warmth of PERIHELION,                                   
But still a chameleon,                                      
Can't stop without freezing its ears.                       
                                                            
73820 WORDS - DEFINED                Sue                      



PERIHELION, is orbital spot,                                
To get to, one travels a lot.                               
It's closest to sun,                                        
So in the long run,                                         
It gets to be pretty damned hot.                            
                                                            
73821 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Itinerant, PERIPATETIC,                                     
Walking about apologetic.                                   
No place to call home,                                      
Does everywhere roam,                                       
Seeking bottles of anesthetic.                              
                                                            
73822 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Blowfish it is not apt to be,                               
Meting discomfort to you and to me.                         
Ankles swell and ooze                                       
Over sides of shoes.                                        
Culprit: PERNICIOUS M S G.  (monosodium glutamate)          
                                                            
73823 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois-                   



A young maid who just wouldn't PERPEND,                     
And tell swollen swain where to end,                        
They made love too much,                                    
Got pregnant a touch,                                       
With wedding for all to attend.                             
                                                            
73824 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Grandma was born to great wealth,                           
But lost it during bouts of ill health.                     
She still, to this day,                                     
Has PERSNICKETY ways.                                       
Therefore, lives alone by herself.                          
                                                            
73825 WORDS - DEFINED                Sheryl                   



Though they have the best of intention,                     
PERSNICKETY folks, I might mention,                         
Are those of the kind                                       
With a very closed mind,                                    
And a bad case of anal retention.                           
                                                            
73826 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Insightful people PERSPICACIOUS                             
Know not to be too ostentatious.                            
For they know that way                                      
Would lead them to pray                                     
For healing of eye violaceous.                              
                                                            
73827 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PERSPICACIOUS you'd better be,                              
Unless I write PERSPICUOUSLY,                               
Don't have to be dense,                                     
To make little sense,                                       
Of words I perceive of as "see".                            
(acute discernment)                                         
73828 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Do doubt that you're PERSPICACIOUS,                         
Clear in matters disputatious,                              
So PERSPICUOUS,                                             
Now conspicuous                                             
In word consumption rapacious.                              
(acute discernment)                                         
73829 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



While in Army from year to year,                            
Few PERSPICUOUS things did I hear                           
From NCO's bad,                                             
Whose squawking just had                                    
A numbing effect on the ear.                                
                                                            
73830 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The monk whose cave was less spacious,                      
Was nonetheless host very gracious,                         
Except when he fasted,                                      
Then guests were blasted;                                   
Though their need to eat, PERTINACIOUS.                     
                                                            
73831 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Annoyingly tight, PERTINACIOUS,                             
Like epoxy glue resinaceous,                                
The amorous guest                                           
Who won't give a rest,                                      
Is strutting rooster gallinaceous.                          
                                                            
73832 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A PESTILENCE, vile and contageous,                          
Was Fred, when in one of his rages.                         
But he wasn't as grue-                                      
Some as Florida Flu                                         
Which cuts down both sinners and sages.                     
                                                            
73833 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



It makes most uncommon good sense                           
To try and avoid PESTILENCE,                                
In form of disease                                          
Or even, you please,                                        
Some person with whom you'd dispense.                       
                                                            
73834 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There's no avoiding PESTILENCE,                             
Not even with a barbed wire fence,                          
For invading germs                                          
Fear no simple berms,                                       
And enter with ambivalence.                                 
                                                            
73835 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In the medical field, it's true,                            
There's more you might catch, than the flu.                 
One must be aware                                           
Of what is out there,                                       
Or PESTILENCE just might find you!                          
                                                            
73836 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Noxious germlins, PESTILENTIAL                              
Arrived in rain most torrential,                            
But in yellow rain                                          
No apparent pain;                                           
The damage was evidential.                                  
                                                            
73837 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Seeming mischief, PESTILENTIAL,                             
Need not have dire potential,                               
But seeing snow yellow,                                     
Suspect wayward fellow,                                     
Not some Buddhist reverential.                              
                                                            
73838 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



In a man's world a woman may stick                          
Her nose in and "PP" learn quick.                           
Note: From how he eyes you,                                 
What level he'll rise to,                                   
If he's an unprincipled prick.                              
                                                            
73839 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



PETER PRINCIPLE is the firm rule,                           
Learned quick in the corporate school,                      
Which show that one might                                   
Despite being bright,                                       
Perform at the top like a fool.                             
                                                            
73840 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PETTIFOGGER, ignominious sort,                              
Won't argue before Supreme Court.                           
Won't score a big coup,                                     
Nor make book of who's who,                                 
Altogether a rather poor sport.                             
                                                            
73841 WORDS - DEFINED                Marilyn                  



PETTIFOGGER, like shyster, it sounds;                       
The legal profession abounds                                
With remora-types                                           
Who'll use vocal pipes                                      
To spew horse-manure in mounds.                             
                                                            
73842 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Continued PHANTASMAGORIA                                    
In cinematic emporia                                        
Are clearly designed                                        
Without me in mind,                                         
Inducing tardigrade chorea.                                 
(tardigrade chorea - nervous tic in slow motion)            
73843 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Dream image, PHANTASMAGORIA,                                
Dissolves to youthful euphoria.                             
When nightmarish clown                                      
Becomes a ball gown                                         
At gala Waldorf-Astoria.                                    
                                                            
73844 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PHANTASMAGORICAL nightmare --                               
Dreams whose intent is not to scare,                        
But they do beseech,                                        
The lessons they teach,                                     
Are things that you should be aware.                        
                                                            
73845 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Sorry if they just cause fright,                            
Those dreams that you have every night.                     
As movies deluxe                                            
Get big office bucks,                                       
And does audiences delight.                                 
                                                            
73846 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Our Government, PHANTASMAGORY,                              
Both parties battered and gory.                             
While "Fourth Estate" news,                                 
Just can't seem to choose,                                  
The fables from just the real story.                        
                                                            
73847 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PHILADELPHIA LAWYER, cats paw,                              
Vied with L.A. attorney at law.                             
Panel's hearts they both wrung                              
But the jury stayed hung.                                   
So you might say the game was a draw.                       
                                                            
73848 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Presidents, animals, singers and champs,                    
PHILATELY subjects on postage stamps;                       
Their backside we lick                                      
When we want to stick                                       
Them on letters to Aunt Em and Gramps.                      
                                                            
73849 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Collectors of stamps vary greatly;                          
Just ask Phil, who met a whore stately.                     
PHILATELY went                                              
As Phil overspent,                                          
So Phil's not at PHILATELY lately.                          
                                                            
73850 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Some Clinton behaviors specific                             
Inspre a right wing PHILIPPIC,                              
But sing history's tune                                     
And they they're just picayune                              
And can't measure up as horrific.                           
                                                            
73851 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



PHILOGYNY, men practice with keenness,                      
Unlike misogynist meanness.                                 
'Tis better to stroke 'em.                                  
Than abuse and poke 'em,                                    
And lose place where you can park penis.                    
                                                            
73852 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A fondness for women, PHILOGYNY,                            
May lead one to have many progeny.                          
Unless one takes care                                       
To make the right mare,                                     
Or has gilding gelding pathogeny.                           
                                                            
73853 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Some PHILOPROGENITIVE folk,                                 
Eschew matrimonial yoke.                                    
They don't have a care,                                     
Since you'll pay their share,                               
While in public welfare they soak.                          
                                                            
73854 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Her PHOEBUS, a fellow named Fred.                           
As common a guy, so they said.                              
She knew otherwise,                                         
'Cause her sun would rise,                                  
'Twixt sheets of their oft sweaty bed.                      
                                                            
73855 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The linguistic law mosaic                                   
Is tiled in manners archaic,                                
Which have no relation                                      
To pronunciation;                                           
Let's leave this matter prosaic.                            
                                                            
73856 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To learn in the manner PHONETIC,                            
The symbols one sees are tonetic,                           
Pronounced by the clan,                                     
Each lady and man,                                          
Like Mosaic laws, chipped stonetic.                         
                                                            
73857 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Phylogenous men have such fun                               
'Cause they won't settle for one!                           
They play the field                                         
And if one should yield,                                    
She's caught in the net that he's spun.                     
                                                            
73858 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



My advice for that gal is, "Hon,                            
Turn around quickly and run!                                
If he gets the one thing,                                   
Then the blues you will sing;                               
In your oven's where you'll find the bun!"                  
                                                            
73859 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Sinful, blameworthy, PIACULAR,                              
Is rotten in the vernacular;                                
For when sin gets hold,                                     
I've often been told,                                       
It's like octopus tentacular.                               
                                                            
73860 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Heard from Dame who's oracular,                             
Use costume less spectacular,                               
Some wisdome is found,                                      
Where wine poured around,                                   
In obligation PIACULAR.                                     
                                                            
73861 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Spicy, biting, piquant, PICANTE,                            
Such food's faster than andante.                            
No pedestrian                                               
More equestrian,                                            
Spirited inferno of Dante.                                  
                                                            
73862 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PICANTE is spicy and hot,                                   
Used in beans, and what have you got?                       
It's chili for you,                                         
And sure to run through                                     
And singe then, a most nether spot.                         
                                                            
73863 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris                    



Our President's actions jejune,                             
Considered at times, PICAYUNE,                              
Treats women as toys,                                       
O.K. for the boys,                                          
Has NOW people singing weird tune.                          
(NOW - National Organization of Women)                      
73864 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris                    



"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" is a book                     
And everyone should have a look.                            
For then they might see                                     
Just how it might be                                        
That PICAYUNE ways are a rook.                              
(Thou shalt not perspire the minute feces - McW)            
73865 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



They rob you of life's daily joy,                           
If nagging they have to employ.                             
Just let it all go;                                         
No need to cause woe;                                       
Be happy, don't worry!  Enjoy!                              
                                                            
73866 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



I don't want to be in the middle,                           
So I will not ponder or PIDDLE.                             
I'll just have my say                                       
Then I'll go away;                                          
To me, life is really a riddle!                             
                                                            
73867 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



A cow who chews on his quid'll,                             
Fill field with cow flop and PIDDLE.                        
Then this fruited plain                                     
Releases methane,                                           
Solving the "warming Earth" riddle.                         
                                                            
73868 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a CONGRUENT pair,                            
That shared board and rent in post lair.                    
Which brought spate of grouses,                             
From respective spouses,                                    
Who frowned on such pied-a-terre.                           
                                                            
73869 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With suave wit and great savoir-faire,                      
He lured her to his PIED-A-TERRE;                           
But found to his chagrin,                                   
When they partied therein,                                  
His former mistress was still there.                        
                                                            
73870 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Most men with a PIED-A-TERRE                                
Use it as a sexual lair,                                    
Where they do tricks                                        
With office chicks,                                         
And sometimes with the au pair.                             
                                                            
73871 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Delilahs of great beauty rare,                              
Won't line up to stroke what's not there,                   
Unless they are wowed,                                      
With what he's endowed,                                     
In genital locale, elsewhere.                               
                                                            
73872 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PILGARLIC it does seem to me,                               
Means a word that beins with a "B",                         
Then you see "A",                                           
Next an "L" they say,                                       
Finally a crowning "D".                                     
                                                            
73873 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl Plunkie           



PILGARLIC, bald-headed dork,                                
Without political pull's torque,                            
Must be less furtive,                                       
Become assertive                                            
Ayn Rand Fountainhead hero Rourke.                          
                                                            
73874 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PILIFEROUS refers to hair,                                  
Pilferous, take notice and care,                            
Is like what Time does,                                     
In taking our fuzz,                                         
Until it is no longer there.                                
                                                            
73875 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A strange word is PILIFEROUS                                
Rictal bristle ambiguous.                                   
Not on gherkin                                              
But with merkin                                             
Correct word is ulotrichous.                                
                                                            
73876 WORDS - DEFINED                Nancy                    



The hairy one is PILIFEROUS,                                
Growing strands quite splendiferous,                        
But problems arise,                                         
For unclean hair pies                                       
Are a felt mat most odiferous.                              
                                                            
73877 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When like a hair, it is PILIFORM;                           
Tiny, finger-like is villiform,                             
As seen lining gut                                          
Or tongue surface, but                                      
The thinnest, thread-like filliform.                        
                                                            
73878 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The PILOSE bald head, if you stare,                         
Shows some vestigial hair.                                  
It's not quite a mop,                                       
That covers the top,                                        
And some guys just feel it's not fair.                      
                                                            
73879 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PILOSE, covered with hair vellus,                           
As face and bald heads tell us,                             
Is not always joy,                                          
For pimples of boy                                          
And bald pate oft potions sell us.                          
                                                            
73880 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The game: appealing to PILOSE,                              
Hinges on ones who would try those                          
And the insistence,                                         
Market persistence                                          
Of hucksters with heads adipose.                            
                                                            
73881 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The man who will give himself pats,                         
About things in well furnished flats,                       
To impress some dame,                                       
Plays the PINCHBECK game,                                   
Displaying his K-Mart ersatz.                               
                                                            
73882 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She teased men with a lottery win check.                    
A wide golden chain seem to clinch neck.                    
Those lured to her loins                                    
Were soon asked for coins,                                  
For her charm, like her jewelry, was PINCHBECK.             
                                                            
73883 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



So YO-YO and PING PONG are trademarks;                      
I thought them generic game larks.                          
Each repeat sound mates                                     
The alternate states,                                       
Alliterates to aural harks.                                 
                                                            
73884 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PING PONG is a bouncing ball game,                          
Describing dilemma's horned frame,                          
Or some mugwump's ghost,                                    
Who sits on a post,                                         
Can not commit, can not take aim.                           
                                                            
73885 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PING PONG in a level flat plain,                            
YO-YO just moves up-down again.                             
Like Ying-Yang of space,                                    
Return to their place;                                      
To watch them will drive you insane.                        
                                                            
73886 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I think I told you just last week                           
I loved those French words, so to speak.                    
But now I can see,                                          
They're not all for me.                                     
PISSOIR...It may havoc wreak!                               
                                                            
73887 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



PISSOIR, it must be believed,                               
Is word that is not to be grieved.                          
When all's said and done,                                   
When there's a need for one,                                
You'll find it, and then be relieved.                       
                                                            
73888 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PISSOIR, sidewalk relief for men,                           
Provides no aid for women when                              
They have urgent need,                                      
With due haste or speed,                                    
To find a squat spot for a hen.                             
                                                            
73889 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As a nurse, I know it is true;                              
Something we humans must do.                                
A quick starting stream                                     
Can feel like a dream,                                      
If nature is beckoning you!                                 
                                                            
73890 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



For granted, some thing seem to be.                         
Till old age starts reminding thee,                         
That functions can fail,                                    
You might leave a trail,                                    
If PISSOIR is not easy to see.                              
                                                            
73891 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



The meagre wage is a PITTANCE,                              
Inadequate for life's remittance.                           
And I'd be impressed                                        
If not soon redressed,                                      
The sum will result in a quittance.                         
                                                            
73892 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PLACATE a spouse, fuming and smoking,                       
Avoid any further flames stoking.                           
Then you'll have a balll                                    
Recalling that all                                          
Respond to a little nice stroking.                          
                                                            
73893 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Pit plaintive percussives PLANGENT                          
From Porter, who was a grand gent                           
Of era Flapper,                                             
Against a rapper                                            
Set social scenes simply frangent.                          
                                                            
73894 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PLANISPHERE, home planitarium,                              
Like in microscopic aquarium,                               
I have lonely pet,                                          
Through maze, place your bet,                               
On run of a lowly planarium.                                
                                                            
73895 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Two-dimensional PLANISPHERE                                 
Is one of the best ways we have here                        
To see our celestial                                        
Entities bestial,                                           
Imagined by ancestors dear.                                 
                                                            
73896 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When your sex life begins to PLATEAU,                       
And it's either "too fast" or "too slow",                   
Be happy it's there,                                        
With someone to share,                                      
The rhythm of Life's to and fro.                            
                                                            
73897 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sadly she stood on windy plateau                            
With one hand holding pretty chapeau.                       
With tear in eye,                                           
She waved goodbye                                           
As he set to sea in his bateau.                             
                                                            
73898 WORDS - DEFINED                Ken                      



That high flat plain was a PLATEAU                          
She leaped escaping El Gato,                                
Who had been lover                                          
Till she discovered                                         
The wench dancing from his gateau.  (fancy cake)            
                                                            
73899 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Now El Gato owns the chateau                                
Situated on high plateau,                                   
While lover below                                           
Is dined on by crow,                                        
Precipitous act made morceau.      (short literary piece)   
                                                            
73900 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Performers may sometimes get rich                           
But most of them just have an itch                          
To get on the stage,                                        
To sing, dance, or rage,                                    
Where PLAUSIVE pay-off is the niche.                        
                                                            
73901 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PLEONASM, don't mind it a bit,                              
As long as it's served with some wit.                       
I just had a thought                                        
That just might be bought:                                  
Oxymoron's its sure opposite.                               
                                                            
73902 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Superflous words, PLEONASM,                                 
Are result of a loquacious spasm.                           
The language answer                                         
To a precancer,                                             
Now often termed a NEOPLASM.                                
                                                            
73903 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PLETHYSMOGRAPH, guage automatic                             
Shows if big head swelling or static.                       
But it also can show                                        
The regions below                                           
And detect influence Viagratic.                             
                                                            
73904 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



From new dermatology text,                                  
"PLICA Polonica" exed:                                      
Lack of hygiene, plain,                                     
Caused hard tangled skein.                                  
This non-P.C. name sorely vexed.                            
                                                            
73905 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My girlfriend's a cross-country biker.                      
Her bottom contains a large PLICA.                          
But I pay no attention                                      
To this ugly extension,                                     
Which shows you just how much I like 'er.                   
                                                            
73906 WORDS - DEFINED                Win                      



An architect who came from Warwick                          
Hated the old style called Doric.                           
A column form Corinth                                       
On its matching PLINTH                                      
Would make him absolutely euphoric.                         
                                                            
73907 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



The symbol for lead is Pb,                                  
And now should be clearer to thee,                          
How that came around,                                       
The answer is found,                                        
In the lesson I sent for free.                              
                                                            
73908 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Chemical symbol for lead; Pb,                               
Is derived from Plumbum, you see.                           
Not tramp of Isle Plum                                      
Or other Plum bum,                                          
But Latin's lead, toxic to thee.                            
                                                            
73909 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



You're right about Betz cells, some dead,                   
And loss of near memory, dread,                             
But PLUMBUM, dear friend,                                   
Word Latin, I send,                                         
It shows erudition, instead.                                
                                                            
73910 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My biology teacher, Miss Cheneys,                           
She taught us, in reference to weenies,                     
Although it sounds whacked,                                 
It's grammatical fact,                                      
That the plural for penis is penes.                         
                                                            
73911 WORDS - DEFINED                Cap'n Bean               



His POCKET VETO's not too cool                              
With his spouse, who favored the rule;                      
His price for transgression,                                
'Stead of loving session,                                   
Cold bed, practice of "pocket pool."                        
                                                            
73912 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'm more than just pococurante                              
Over these whimsical games we play,                         
With such little schooling,                                 
You think it mere fooling,                                  
But I'll be a great genius one day!                         
(pococurante - indifferent, nonchalant)                     
73913 WORDS - DEFINED                Ken                      



I hail from small town, USA.                                
They call it PODUNK here today,                             
But I call it home,                                         
There near the sea foam,                                    
Not far from the mountains to play.                         
                                                            
73914 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PODUNK is the name of my town,                              
Where coyotes and rattlers abound.                          
There's road runners too,                                   
Who're faster than you.                                     
At night you will hear nature sound.                        
                                                            
73915 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



A flop as a local broadcaster,                              
In rhyme he's first class poetaster;                        
But he made a killing;                                      
Though this may be chilling,                                
As town's number one epitaphster.                           
                                                            
73916 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Writing limericks, he deemed himself master;                
In fact, he was a mere POETASTER.                           
His scansion unsure,                                        
His rhyming, impure,                                        
Results: unmitigated disaster.                              
                                                            
73917 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



POETASTER, the new badge of pride,                          
For limericists, all true and tried.                        
There, within five lines,                                   
Verse sparkles and shines,                                  
With smart rhymes along for the ride.                       
                                                            
73918 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Just want you all to know,                                  
Even if my reply is a bit slow,                             
POETASTER I am                                              
With poetick "spam,"                                        
Leaving trail of limericks to show!                         
                                                            
73919 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



When diplomats exchange POLEMIC                             
In bellicose manner systemic,                               
The fevers of war                                           
Involves more and more,                                     
Spreading psychoses epidemic.                               
                                                            
73920 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



From the stem word, I can see why                           
POLEMOLOGY is a war's cry.                                  
Though at a first glance,                                   
It could mean by chance,                                    
The study of a stud bull's peni.                            
                                                            
73921 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Oh forester, listen to this,                                
This warning please do not dismiss,                         
To POLLARD a tree,                                          
It would seem to me,                                        
Is the sylvan form of a "bris".                             
                                                            
73922 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The POLLEX on palm, if you please,                          
May help us hitch rides with some ease.                     
And, as I understand,                                       
Let prehensile band                                         
Of primates swing through the trees.                        
                                                            
73923 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Optimistic POLLYANNA                                        
Loves her Auntie, Dolly an' a                               
Dog who is ugly,                                            
Remarking smugly,                                           
"Cutest pug in all Indiana!"                                
                                                            
73924 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



POLLYANNA is stupid or bright,                              
Faced with scenarios that might,                            
Frighten most souls,                                        
They jump in dark holes;                                    
Last words, "Everything is all right."                      
                                                            
73925 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They will slip on a spot of dog poop,                       
Brush themselves off, and recoup.                           
With smile on their face,                                   
They'll quicken the pace,                                   
And continue the work with the scoop.                       
                                                            
73926 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A smile on their bright face reposes,                       
Result of a fall now discloses,                             
"Shoes with doggy-doo                                       
Are benefit to                                              
Me, when I step on the roses."                              
                                                            
73927 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I know that it is quite a wrench,                           
And likely to cause a great stench,                         
But I always thought                                        
A POLYGLOT ought                                            
To be a beginner in French.                                 
                                                            
73928 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



POLYGLOT speaks of tongues many.                            
But if you'd extend antennae,                               
Though languages few,                                       
The ideas they brew,                                        
May sometimes make no sense in any.                         
                                                            
73929 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An autodidact POLYGLOT                                      
Found his love life was going to pot.                       
He'd get quite confused                                     
Over which word be used                                     
To request discretely what's sought.                        
                                                            
73930 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



A POLYGLOT ought to be taught                               
In his head to organize thought                             
In only one tongue                                          
Or up he'll get hung                                        
And out of his mouth will come naught.                      
                                                            
73931 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



They say that my tongue is well hung,                       
Each language I conquer's a rung.                           
Even out of my butt,                                        
I'm a POLYGLOT, but                                         
Cunna-lingua is my native tongue!                           
                                                            
73932 WORDS - DEFINED                Clynch                   



POLYHISTOR's these days polymath,                           
Whose erudition extends to Bath,                            
Where in the style Roman,                                   
He spends some time foamin'                                 
And more harvesting sheaves with his snath.                 
                                                            
73933 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There was an obese POLYHISTOR,                              
Who sat on a tiny transistor,                               
And to his regret,                                          
Just never could get                                        
What caused his big fat ass to blister.                     
                                                            
73934 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"So!" scoffed a Ms Polyhistor,                              
"You men think that of the vista                            
Of knowledge, you're lords;                                 
The know-alls are us broads.                                
The word should be poly-miss-tor."                          
                                                            
73935 WORDS - DEFINED                Avi                      



Olympians are POLYPHYLETIC,                                 
Obviously also athletic,                                    
But some track events                                       
Performed by those gents                                    
Is equivalent to anesthetic.                                
                                                            
73936 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



A bit of POLYPHYLETIC                                       
Although it can be quite pathetic,                          
Might be at the pound                                       
Or wandering around,                                        
Looking for home sympathetic.                               
                                                            
73937 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



POLYSYNDETON, one more time,                                
Used again, and used in rhyme,                              
Used up till the end,                                       
Used on foe and friend,                                     
On latter, if used, it's a crime.                           
(repitition in poetry)                                      
73938 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Thick hairy skin like a pelt                                
Left dirty is as a dead smelt;                              
With enough pounding                                        
Of hair on the mounding,                                    
Polytrichous mat can be felt.  (Hirsute)                    
                                                            
73939 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I, with humble modesty state,                               
Through aegis of birth-naming fate,                         
When I speak, you see,                                      
It's Papal Decree,                                          
Though I never do PONTIFICATE.                              
                                                            
73940 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The words, "I've a headache.", PORTEND,                     
That on your own side you will spend,                       
A cool night in bed,                                        
And when all is said,                                       
Won't have your way in the end.                             
                                                            
73941 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In the Senate long tenure's PORTENTOUS                      
And they rise for long speeches pretentious.                
With ideas bereft                                           
Observers are left,                                         
With impressions of many dementias.                         
                                                            
73942 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Politician with PORTENTOUS prose,                           
In the old Senate chamber arose                             
To filibuster                                               
The sleeping cluster                                        
Of colleagues, while Time itself froze.                     
                                                            
73943 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Word synthesis making PORTMANTEAU                           
May not yield the sounds of bel canto.                      
But in its fashion,                                         
Such word rehashin'                                         
Makes neologisms pro tanto.                                 
                                                            
73944 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though cerebright and pearlcasting                          
May be short-lived or long-lasting.                         
Cocksure and swellhead                                      
Survive at the wellhead                                     
And need no further forecasting.                            
                                                            
73945 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PORTMANTEAU words are real fine,                            
Made by cerebright minds, such as mine.                     
Though others don't ken,                                    
I use now and then,                                         
Pearl casting for some of the swine.                        
                                                            
73946 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There should be a word POSTCOCIOUS,                         
For those oldsters meritocious;                             
Young beyond their years,                                   
Sharper than their peers,                                   
Though some may become glaucocious.                         
                                                            
73947 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Noah and his crew in the ark,                               
Had to put up with growl, grunt and bark.                   
By they all felt groovy in                                  
That period POSTDILUVIAN,                                   
When the sun broke through the clouds dark.                 
                                                            
73948 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Crepuscular storms unabated                                 
Came, vespertine, and inundated                             
My yard.  POSTDILUVIAN                                      
My soil needs improvin',                                    
For it's been severely downgraded.                          
                                                            
73949 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



POSTDILUVIAN small fish were stuck                          
On a mountain top, covered with muck.                       
They dried thin and wispy                                   
With tubers sun-crispy.                                     
In a bag, fish and chips, ten a buck.                       
                                                            
73950 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



POSTHUMOUS, my mind it does roil,                           
As over its meaning I toil,                                 
The word seems to me,                                       
Unbelievably,                                               
To deal with the mailing of soil.                           
                                                            
73951 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



"Shoulders back," you hear moms say,                        
As children grow from day to day!                           
"Walk tall and walk proud,"                                 
I've said it out loud!                                      
"Don't slouch!  Or your POSTURE will pay!"                  
                                                            
73952 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



Politicians, POSTURE will take,                             
And many false promises make.                               
They raise the sure hopes                                   
For votes of poor dopes,                                    
Who'll later find out, it's all fake.                       
                                                            
73953 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In posing, the poser does POSTURE,                          
Imposing a vold in imposture,                               
Which means to deceive                                      
Until roll receive;                                         
Beware of his attitude cocksure.                            
                                                            
73954 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Refering to rivers, POTAMIC,                                
Describes flowing streams quite dynamic.                    
To go with the flow                                         
In DC, you know,                                            
Makes Potomic floods panoramic.                             
                                                            
73955 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



While bathing in waters riparian,                           
You're "laving POTAMIC" and therein,                        
You'll go with the flow                                     
Which is Volga, you know,                                   
Unless you're a Russo-Hungarian.                            
                                                            
73956 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Mississippi, a POTAMIC mess,                                
Won't stay in its course, more or less.                     
And sweeps its great mud                                    
To form delta crud,                                         
Meaning both land and folks, I guess.                       
                                                            
73957 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



POTEMKIN VILLAGE we see;                                    
Fake to the utmost degree,                                  
But I also frown                                            
On real Levittown,                                          
As tacky as tacky can be.                                   
                                                            
73958 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Will this dirty war ever cease?                             
Will hopes for the folks soon increase?                     
With war's spin spillage,                                   
POTEMKIN VILLAGE                                            
Is Baghdad of progress and peace.                           
                                                            
73959 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When Catherine needed a leak,                               
Behind all the cardboard she'd peek.                        
But all she couyld see                                      
Was dire misery.                                            
Potemkin's head she'd seek.                                 
                                                            
73960 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther Hecht             



Shock and awe of POTEMKIN VILLAGE,                          
As our leadership does loot and pillage,                    
Puts the health care grab                                   
On grandchildren's tab,                                     
Rather than pay for honest tillage.                         
                                                            
73961 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Leave it to the politicians,                                
Adept at obscuring conditions.                              
Make POTEMKIN VILLAGE                                       
Of national tillage,                                        
While shaking 'pork barrel' positions.                      
                                                            
73962 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The POTEMKIN VILLAGE was a prop                             
Created by a czarist fop,                                   
To please the queen                                         
Who viewed the scene                                        
From her yacht which sailed by, non-stop.                   
                                                            
73963 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



In some of the projects and slums,                          
When someone of influence comes,                            
Instead of pillage                                          
They see Potemkin Village,                                  
And go home to pork barrel plums!                           
                                                            
73964 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



POTVALIANT, the pose of a sot,                              
Who's brave after he's drunk a lot.                         
Now counter-named sticks                                    
Is that of "peaceniks",                                     
Too "way out" to fight, puffing pot.                        
                                                            
73965 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I really admire your zeal,                                  
And every quick rhyme which you deal;                       
They've juice and eclat,                                    
And better than that,                                       
Of sex, they show good appeal.                              
                                                            
73966 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Now that he's neutered and safe,                            
"Perry" our Doberman waif                                   
Has but one demand, he'll                                   
Turn to thoughts PRANDIAL,                                  
And eat all, both kosher and traif.                         
                                                            
73967 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Kitchen countertops my Dals do cruise,  (dalmatians)        
Forever in search of more foods.                            
Snitching snacks at the least,                              
If they're lucky, a feast:                                  
Then settle down for a post-PRANDIAL snooze.                
                                                            
73968 WORDS - DEFINED                Marilyn                  



Friendly banks will sometimes carry us                      
Even if our cridit is PRECARIOUS.                           
So as not to abuse                                          
Those who hold our IOU's,                                   
We should find rich gals who'll then marry us.              
                                                            
73969 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



"At Prez's pleasure" is PRECARIOUS;                         
Venue for values vicarious.                                 
Such job glories                                            
Often have stories,                                         
That end on bread lines nefarious.                          
                                                            
73970 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Sex with out protective measure                             
Is ranked as PRECARIOUS pleasure.                           
For STD's bad                                               
Are there to be had,                                        
And chance to make "wee little treasure".                   
                                                            
73971 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She would always be pleased if you'd lick a bit,            
And take your time getting around to it.                    
Just jumping on top                                         
Without getting her hot                                     
Is rude, immature, and PRECIPITATE.                         
                                                            
73972 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Sperm cells separate from testes,                           
If speedy, they are the bestus.                             
Take trip through the prostate,                             
Speed won't make them late,                                 
And woman prepares zygote nestus.                           
                                                            
73973 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



Premature ejaculation?                                      
That is purely speculation.                                 
Where's PRECIPITATE?                                        
Does this story rate?                                       
We left out the ovulations.                                 
                                                            
73974 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



No chem substance separation,                               
Instead joining with elation.                               
Better than nothing,                                        
Premature loving,                                           
Means there's a meagre time ration.                         
                                                            
73975 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



There's always foreplay and after,                          
To make women jump for a rafter.                            
And think "not bad 'tall";                                  
Loud scream she might call,                                 
Following up with some laughter.                            
                                                            
73976 WORDS - DEFINED                Larry                    



Able beyond years, PRECOCIOUS                               
Child's talents may be ferocious,                           
But soon emoting                                            
By parents doting                                           
Tends to become braggadocious.                              
                                                            
73977 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Thirty years since in my home place,                        
Were PREDIAL parcels of grace,                              
But now with expansions                                     
Of ticky-tack mansions,                                     
The farms are reduced to mere trace.                        
                                                            
73978 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Land that builders can't get in their mitts,                
In our town is filled with sand pits.                       
Their purpose for some                                      
Sell sand for income.                                       
To us they're just predial zits.                            
                                                            
73979 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Elephantine proboscic PREHENSILE,                           
Which sometimes seems even extensile,                       
Will work like a tool                                       
Or tickle a fool,                                           
But is mainly an eating utensil.                            
                                                            
73980 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



A man who discovers among                                   
His talents a PREHENSILE tongue,                            
Is bound to get dated                                       
And most highly rated.                                      
It's better than being...well...hung.                       
                                                            
73981 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



A walk-about, PEREGRINATION,                                
Could change an obese situation.                            
If only we'd walk on                                        
Following falcon,                                           
Becoming a peregrine nation.                                
                                                            
73982 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The Senate in land where we live,                           
Must either convict or forgive                              
The Prez who has strayed                                    
And with Monica played,                                     
A thoughtless PREROGATIVE.                                  
                                                            
73983 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Special Congress right, PREROGATIVE,                        
After hearings interrogative,                               
To present the Senate                                       
Conclusions and then it                                     
Will ask for actions derogative.                            
                                                            
73984 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



If Washington had wiser heads,                              
We'd not have sex laws by the Feds.                         
But then gentlemen                                          
Might go mental when                                        
Offered chances at ladies beds.                             
                                                            
73985 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Far be it from me to raise a paean                          
To activities PRIAPEAN,                                     
But resistance power                                        
To deshabille flower                                        
Isn't much when faced by nymphean.                          
                                                            
73986 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Procreate god of the Greeks,                                
Kept going for fifty-two weeks.                             
Such efforts now pale,                                      
"Slick Willy" can scale                                     
Past prior PRIAPEAN peaks.                                  
                                                            
73987 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PRICK-SONG will be misused, I bet;                          
A version of sight-read and yet                             
I knew a few guys                                           
To whom it applies,                                         
Like a tenor or two that I've met.                          
                                                            
73988 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If I catch the drift of its meaning,                        
PROCLIVITY is a strong leaning,                             
Toward action or thought,                                   
Where someone gets wrought,                                 
And can lead to strong sobs and keening.                    
                                                            
73989 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When I hear of people who eat                               
Raw fish, as in Sushi rolled neat,                          
I don't understand                                          
The risk that's in hand --                                  
A PROCLIVITY I'd have to heat!                              
                                                            
73990 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



His fortune lost, the PRODIGAL son                          
Returned to father and brother's shun.                      
But Dad was just glad                                       
The chance to have had                                      
To welcome the wastrel loved one.                           
                                                            
73991 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



He sought sex in PRODIGAL way,                              
Till he met another hot gay,                                
Who HIV had,                                                
And now he's quite sad,                                     
That he thought to do things that way.                      
                                                            
73992 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The moral to all, it is said,                               
Be happy to share your warm bed                             
With only one soul,                                         
To find, on the whole,                                      
You'll never contract social sores dread.                   
                                                            
73993 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



To learn English we're forced to deduce                     
Facts which may not be of use.                              
At times one's amused                                       
But more often confused,                                    
By words, noun and verb, like, "Produce".                   
                                                            
73994 WORDS - DEFINED                L C Fitzhugh        P0112



He saw her as his beauty queen                              
And had "horn" when on her he'd lean                        
Too close in a dance,                                       
Which she took, perchance,                                  
As lustful and PROFFER obscene.                             
                                                            
73995 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There was an old man from Glenditch                         
Who was a real son-of-a-bitch.                              
To girls he'd PROFFER                                       
Riches from coffer;                                         
They'd laugh.  They were on to his pitch.                   
                                                            
73996 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



The tender offering you PROFFER,                            
Tempting a darling to boffer,                               
May oft backfire instead,                                   
Bring contemp on your head,                                 
When misunderstanding makes scoffer.                        
                                                            
73997 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The licentious wastrel is PROFLIGATE,                       
Resisting advice and obdurate.                              
He will not listen;                                         
Moanin' and pissin',                                        
He wallows in ruin obligate.                                
                                                            
73998 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A young wife with PROFLIGATE way                            
Lived life as though each were last day.                    
And at honeymoon end,                                       
Proceeded to spend                                          
Couple's savings and all of their pay.                      
                                                            
73999 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The groom viewed this sorry display                         
And quit the spot quick with dismay.                        
"Her ways with our cash                                     
Were surely slapdash,                                       
But she's good for a roll in the hay."                      
                                                            
74000 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



With maybe some cause to regret them,                       
And despite a wish to forget them,                          
Your own PROGENY                                            
Shows erogeny,                                              
It is sure a fun way to beget them.                         
                                                            
74001 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Family offspring, the PROGENY,                              
Mirror the parents' ontogeny,                               
Developing fast,                                            
In slightly new cast                                        
Of evolution's phylogeny.                                   
                                                            
74002 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel                   



PROLEGMENON of essay wise,                                  
Is often diversion, disguise,                               
Of rather dull read,                                        
By planting false seed,                                     
That brings an unpleasnant surprise.                        
                                                            
74003 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When I encounter a PROLEGOMENON,                            
That tedious literary phenonemon,                           
I turn quickly the pages                                    
Because written by sages,                                   
The tendency is to go on and on!                            
                                                            
74004 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The long Druid history, this yields.                        
Removed from strong Puritan shields,                        
They gave up their bods,                                    
To PROPITIATE gods,                                         
And had fun by plowing in fields.                           
                                                            
74005 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The appeasing sense of PROPITIATE                           
Is oft lost in rush to satiate                              
And favor curry.                                            
Before we hurry                                             
To dump and flush that old fish we ate.                     
                                                            
74006 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



To PROPITIATE sins against Gods                             
Is the key of a priest's many jobs.                         
They must keep us aligned                                   
Or we might be consigned                                    
To Hell.  So what are the odds?                             
                                                            
74007 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



A PROSAIC prude is perhaps                                  
A challenge to some of you chaps.                           
Just woo her with verse                                     
To open her purse.                                          
For poetry virgins entraps.                                 
                                                            
74008 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



PROSAIC I never will be,                                    
For I took a vow, age of three,                             
Life was not to be dull!                                    
It was to be full                                           
Of fun, interest and "whoopee!"                             
                                                            
74009 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



To become a modern PROSATEUR,                               
If success you wish to ensure,                              
Feature guns, gore and sex,                                 
Eschew plot that's complex.                                 
And with graphic details readers lure.                      
                                                            
74010 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



There's a gland in a man, the prostate.                     
When you're flat on the ground, you're prostrate.           
There's confusion I fear                                    
But two Rs make it clear;                                   
Imagine if we add, apostate!                                
                                                            
74011 WORDS - DEFINED                Tom Patton          P0110



Actors with talent PROTEAN,                                 
Eclipsed by eyes cerulean,                                  
Even Paul Newman                                            
Seems superhuman                                            
To women who sing his paean.                                
                                                            
74012 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The ways of our genes are sure strange;                     
In PROTEAN ways they arrange,                               
Spirals DNA,                                                
Go every which way,                                         
And into smart PROTEINS change.                             
                                                            
74013 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PSEUDEPIGRAPHA, scrolls in caves,                           
Hidden far above Dead Sea waves,                            
Had little to do                                            
With Biblical stew                                          
And much more with wine barrel's staves.                    
                                                            
74014 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



PSEUDEPIGRAPHA, biblical stuff,                             
Was lacking attribution, enough;                            
Interesting but                                             
Couldn't "make cut";                                        
Had to swallow rejection slip, tough.                       
                                                            
74015 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The PSYCHE, according to Freud,                             
Is something that's tough to avoid --                       
Ego controlled,                                             
Lest lustful id, bold,                                      
Bring forth brutish joy unalloyed.                          
                                                            
74016 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PSYCHE was beloved of Cupid;                                
Aphrodite, jealous and stupid,                              
Lost sight of the goal                                      
And vengeance was sole                                      
Reason that Cupid was drooped.                              
                                                            
74017 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A poor PUCKISH punster I knew,                              
Penned porno poems in a church pew.                         
The bawdy bard, banned,                                     
Quit that quiet stand;                                      
Writes rhymes for a raunchy review.                         
                                                            
74018 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A young maid of great PUDENCY,                              
Changed mind and embarked on sex spree.                     
She then liked to show                                      
Her treasures below,                                        
And said, "Come, my pudenda see!"                           
                                                            
74019 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PUGILISM was once "a man's sport."                          
But Tanya and gals of her sort                              
Will pummel and swing                                       
In the famed square ring,                                   
And end up a few Betz cells short.                          
                                                            
74020 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PUGILISM's victim is the pug.                               
He's got scars all over his mug.                            
His eyes are bleary.                                        
His arms are weary,                                         
So he can no longer jab nor slug.                           
                                                            
74021 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



A great PUISSANT Pasha of old,                              
Paid each of his wives in pure gold,                        
For moments of sex,                                         
With the royal rex.                                         
He's no longer wealthy, I'm told.                           
                                                            
74022 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PUKKA, genuine and authentic,                               
Sometimes needs proof of its identic.                       
Does glistening sheen                                       
Of polishing mean                                           
That jewel's setting is argentic?                           
                                                            
74023 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



An Israeli friend that I knew,                              
Thought Dayan a real hero true.                             
He felt it was right                                        
(Consider no slight)                                        
To count him as PUKKA Hebrew.                               
                                                            
74024 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PULCHRITUDE, it's so statuesque;                            
Like Venus but not as grotesque.                            
But add gothic mask,                                        
And it makes me ask,                                        
"Doesn't is appear Kafkaesque?"                             
                                                            
74025 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Multisyllabic PULCHRITUDE,                                  
Like other words of magnitude,                              
Is two for a penny,                                         
But if you use many,                                        
You'll find yourself in solitude.                           
                                                            
74026 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Physical beauty, PULCHRITUDE,                               
Depends somewhat on attitude;                               
If you're from Phrygia,                                     
Steatopygia                                                 
May be what fills your codpiece, dude!                      
                                                            
74027 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Guys ogle neat PULCHRITUDE,                                 
And entertain visions quite lewd,                           
Of brick-house-built broads,                                
'Cept Dan of the Fords,                                     
Who straight-laced and bit of a prude.                      
                                                            
74028 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Viewing Baywatch, men do blubber,                           
PULCHRITUDE for arm chair lubber.                           
But it would enhance                                        
To remove implants,                                         
And then replace them with Flubber.                         
(Baywatch - tits TV show  Flubber - magic elastic movie)    
74029 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



Dear Miss, don't consider me rude,                          
If I ogle your PULCHRITUDE.                                 
There is no surprise,                                       
It gives me a rise,                                         
And I walk bent in odd attitude!"                           
                                                            
74030 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Dear Sir, you are not being rude,                           
Responding to my PULCHRITUDE.                               
You're a man of your culture,                               
(Drawn to flesh like a vulture),                            
But buddy, you should see me nude!                          
                                                            
74031 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Aspiring in love to be great,                               
Some men are impatient to wait,                             
And once in power,                                          
Set out to deflower,                                        
Chicks that near them PULLULATE.                            
                                                            
74032 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PULLULATE, with new life teeming,                           
As in petri dish gleaming;                                  
Those bugs overgrowing,                                     
Revolution showing,                                         
Of resistance always dreaming.                              
                                                            
74033 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Film comic Lou Costello                                     
Was shaped like a short, fat cello.                         
His sidekick, Abbot,                                        
Had the nasty habit                                         
Of insulting his harmless PUNCHINELLO.                      
                                                            
74034 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



He acted the poor PUNCHINELLO                               
And sweet love words, even, he'd bellow.                    
But girls didn't mind,                                      
Whenever they'd find;                                       
He sure was a well-endowed fellow.                          
                                                            
74035 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PUNCTILIOUS people inventive                                
Find order as life's great incentive;                       
They surely can't fail                                      
To notice detail,                                           
That we all call anal retentive.                            
                                                            
74036 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A verbivore can be so billious                              
When looking at words is PUNCTILIOUS.                       
For every syllable                                          
Is ground that is tillable;                                 
That's why he sometimes so silly is.                        
                                                            
74037 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



PUNDIT is nice way of naming                                
A know-it-all who spends time framing                       
Words and opinion,                                          
Our leaders to pinion,                                      
Exposing his ego to maiming.                                
                                                            
74038 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A PUNDIT with sparse expertise,                             
Gets rewards to help her life ease.                         
She says, "Stay a virgin!"                                  
Though with little urgin',                                  
She'll indulge a bit, if you please.                        
                                                            
74039 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A passionate PUNDIT I knew                                  
Kept selected facts, quite a few.                           
But was asea, swimmin',                                     
When it came to women,                                      
Where most men just haven't a clue.                         
                                                            
74040 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I tried to be a poetic PUNDIT,                              
But couldn't find someone to fund it.                       
My verse, readers panned it --                              
That's not how I planned it,                                
For into the ground they all runned it.                     
                                                            
74041 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The wise and sagacious PUNDIT,                              
Knowledge so broad that none shunned it,                    
Was often asked,                                            
Frequently tasked,                                          
But none was willing to fund it.                            
                                                            
74042 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Stuck for a laugh line, I punned it.                        
But now I think I should have shunned it.                   
Now there's a rumor                                         
That I'm giving up humor,                                   
And instead, becoming a PUNDIT.                             
                                                            
74043 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



PUNDIT, the lexicon runs,                                   
Flaunts knowledge amassed by the tons.                      
But I'd rather say,                                         
In realm of word play,                                      
It's someone who dithers in puns.                           
                                                            
74044 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PUNDITS excell at lim writing,                              
Though sometimes verses are biting.                         
Gilbert wrote great rhyme --                                
Sullivan tunes time;                                        
Both were PUNDITS when not fighting.                        
                                                            
74045 WORDS - DEFINED                Reddog                   



A PUNGENT Pashtun said, "By Gosh!                           
If I'm to acquire some panache,                             
Then one of these weeks,                                    
Before someone speaks,                                      
I must give my body a wash."                                
                                                            
74046 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Guitars, whether plain or ornate,                           
Can sound really rank or first rate.                        
How pretty the purfle is                                    
Really's superfluous;                                       
The strum of the thumb makes it great.                      
                                                            
74047 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Acoustic guitars may be found                               
Sedate, or PURFLED all around.                              
They are quite esthetical,                                  
While those electrical                                      
Just look quite as weird as they sound.                     
                                                            
74048 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Today's politicians PURPORT                                 
To be of the "touchy-feel" sort.                            
Indeed, there's not much                                    
They won't feel or touch,                                   
Or smoke, when they wish to cavort.                         
                                                            
74049 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



PUSSILANIMOUS, isn't my pup,                                
At slight sound his ears will stand up.                     
As hairs rise on end,                                       
He's quick to defend,                                       
'Gainst critters that step by to sup.                       
                                                            
74050 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The African climate is such,                                
That every new day brings a PUTSCH.                         
And Hutus and Tutsi's                                       
They just won't play footsies,                              
But succeed in slaughtering much.                           
                                                            
74051 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They pillage and burn down their huts,                      
And inflict unkindest of cuts.                              
Each PUTSCH head, indeed,                                   
Will new title need,                                        
More like he's the head of a PUTZ.                          
                                                            
74052 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Spontaneous fire, PYROPHORIC,                               
As from peppers in gut pyloric,                             
Seems to come on fast,                                      
But when gas has passed,                                    
The feeling can be quite euphoric.                          
                                                            
74053 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Poor Willy took Ruth on a date,                             
And thinking some love would be great,                      
He wined, dined, and danced her                             
But never de-pantsed her.                                   
PYRRHIC brief kiss was his fate.                            
                                                            
74054 WORDS - DEFINED                Frank                    



When cost is heavy, winning's PYRRHIC,                      
The source of songs and poems lyric,                        
But just as often                                           
Poets go off 'n                                             
Make such subjects joke butts satyric.                      
                                                            
74055 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Hubby learned in way empiric,                               
That at times went stratospheric,                           
And argument won                                            
With his "Honey Bun",                                       
In bed was a victory PYRRHIC.                               
                                                            
74056 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of Pyrrhus, I've known for a while;                         
As hostage, he sailed up the Nile.                          
Ptolemy then                                                
Provided some men;                                          
He later got killed by a tile.                              
                                                            
74057 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Mercurial, militant, grim,                                  
He gave us his own eponym.                                  
A victory may                                               
Be PYRRHIC, we say:                                         
As Axculum had been for him.                                
                                                            
74058 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



PYRRHIC victories haven't much gloss;                       
They substitute History's dross.                            
One needs Clinton's spin,                                   
Declaring you win,                                          
While going down for a big loss.                            
                                                            
74059 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



The fate of such nuns in their wimples                      
(Except for their sisters with pimples)                     
Depends on papa                                             
Who masquerades QUA                                         
A cleric whose weakness is dimples.                         
                                                            
74060 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



An animal lover QUA Noah                                    
Had motor boat.  Needed no rower.                           
Transported a snake                                         
Toward large boat mid lake.                                 
Last words squeezed out, "Must be a boa..."                 
                                                            
74061 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The loss of heart by cowards who QUAIL,                     
Evidenced by how wildly they flail,                         
As they all run away                                        
To live another day,                                        
Leaves a psychic debt and yellow trail.                     
                                                            
74062 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Though mispelled "potatoes" are stale                       
And new chance will prrobably fail,                         
This Spring saw the end                                     
Of our Hoosier friend,                                      
From rage that made our poor Dan Quail.                     
                                                            
74063 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I might have to pay a disbursal,                            
Or suffer a sudden reversal,                                
But there's one highfalutin                                 
Of terms needs disputin':                                   
Are you sure that it's not quaquaversal?                    
                                                            
74064 WORDS - DEFINED                                         



If working men happiness seek                               
And enjoy their life at its peak,                           
Though GNP lag,                                             
They should try to bag                                      
The life of a QUARTAN work-week.                            
                                                            
74065 WORDS - DEFINED                Charis Papa              



Here's new stuff you better believe                         
From Tom Ridge who's on the QUI VIVE.                       
Whether red alert or yellow,                                
Our security fellow                                         
Will duct tape your hankie to your sleeve.                  
                                                            
74066 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Ever alert, we're on the QUI VIVE,                          
Looking for terrorists to receive                           
Our increasing might,                                       
In this ghostly fight;                                      
Against chaos we seek a reprieve.                           
                                                            
74067 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Real bargaians are nil in this life.                        
That "something for nothing" thought rife,                  
Abroad in the world,                                        
With "compassion" hurled,                                   
Is base for class wars and much strife.                     
                                                            
74068 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Your livelihood's compensation,                             
Depends on your social station.                             
Nixing all bets,                                            
He who has, gets;                                           
QUID PRO QUO for wealthy nations.                           
                                                            
74069 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The position known as 69,                                   
For reciprocity is just fine.                               
Call it QUID PRO QUO                                        
Or blow by blow,                                            
"I'll do yours if you'll do mine."                          
                                                            
74070 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



This for that, a contract's QUID PRO QUO,                   
Is the grease for economy's flow.                           
It also describes                                           
Political bribes                                            
And the grease by which many deals grow.                    
                                                            
74071 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



At the top there's a skewed QUID PRO QUO.                   
At the bottom the same thing is so.                         
Life's best in broad middle;                                
That's not taradiddle.                                      
Moderation's the best way to go.                            
                                                            
74072 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



He ask her to give him a show                               
And promised a nice QUID PRO QUO,                           
But then did expose                                         
His shriveled up hose.                                      
But cash on the line was pro quo.                           
                                                            
74073 WORDS - DEFINED                J'Carlin                 



Of many things we'll never know                             
Is selling of votes for real dough.                         
For our friends in power                                    
Expect a gold shower,                                       
Politely termed a QUID PRO QUO.                             
                                                            
74074 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



She had Federal job as "no show",                           
The President's intern and so,                              
In her he'd confide                                         
For a bit on the side;                                      
As lawyer, he say, "QUID PRO QUO."                          
                                                            
74075 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



But please folks, I want you to know                        
The sweet little thing was no "Ho;"                         
To her boss devoted,                                        
Until the slob coated                                       
Her blue dress with spume of the blow.                      
                                                            
74076 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's trite, but essence is QUIDDITY,                        
Which is sold provides liquidity.                           
If virus Melissa                                            
Your software should kissa,                                 
Help you will need for wickedity.                           
                                                            
74077 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A young lass not plagued by timidity                        
Had melons that wouldn't quite fit a "D".                   
This little gal she                                         
Grew full double "D",                                       
In danger of losing chastitity.                             
                                                            
74078 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Distressed by her buxomous quiddity,                        
Her dad, with an urgent rapidity,                           
Wrapped her in a corset                                     
Before too much worse it                                    
Could get, and thus for a while hid it he.                  
                                                            
74079 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The father, to mother, admitted he                          
Had done this to forestall rigidity                         
In pants of young men,                                      
Who're more apt to sin                                      
When feeling a lack of flaccidity.                          
                                                            
74080 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



The very wise men often say,                                
That "Every dog will have its day."                         
And I'd like to add                                         
Each dog will be glad,                                      
As QUIESCENT canine sleeps away.                            
                                                            
74081 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If you puppy seems QUIESCENT                                
Rather than effervescent,                                   
Make a count of your pills                                  
Taken for mental ills.                                      
He may have swallowed a depressant.                         
                                                            
74082 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



He pursued her with amorous arts,                           
But as he reached for her intimate parts,                   
A sudden flatus                                             
Put a QUIETUS                                               
To his quest.  Romance dies with farts.                     
                                                            
74083 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



In the Middle East war clouds loom,                         
Sans diplomatic wiggle room.                                
Although French won't greet us,                             
We should bring QUIETUS,                                    
After some baleful bang and boom.                           
                                                            
74084 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



QUINQUAGENARIAN reached fifty,                              
Still feeling quite fit and quite shifty,                   
With fifty to go                                            
Till century show                                           
And all its developments nifty.                             
                                                            
74085 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



QUINQUAGENARIAN, just so                                    
Was I, quite a few years ago.                               
Seemed old when a teen,                                     
But my current scene                                        
Sees it as youth all aglow.                                 
                                                            
74086 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I'm a quinquagenarian who                                   
Is wishing that it wasn't true.                             
But I understand                                            
It's alternative hand                                       
Is just a dead hullabaloo!                                  
                                                            
74087 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



When Social Security comes,                                 
And arthritis cripples your thumbs,                         
Age 50 looks good.                                          
At that time you could                                      
Cavort with so many old chums.                              
                                                            
74088 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They now have their arteries clogged                        
Or mental capacity fogged.                                  
As the decades turn,                                        
For 50 they yearn,                                          
Recalling those good years they logged.                     
                                                            
74089 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Distillations produce QUINTESSENCE,                         
Which in verse some see as putresence.                      
We, nevertheless,                                           
Will never confess                                          
We write to delay our senescence.                           
                                                            
74090 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Our limericks, QUINTESSENCE of fun,                         
Though to lexicon you may run,                              
Are writ with great guile                                   
To help make you smile,                                     
Or chuckle a bit when they're done.                         
                                                            
74091 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A QUISLING is not very nice.                                
He probably wouldn't think twice                            
To rat on his brother,                                      
Or turn in his mother                                       
For a rather minimal price.                                 
                                                            
74092 WORDS - DEFINED                Harold                   



Collaborating traitor, QUISLING,                            
With his opportunistic chiseling,                           
Made his compatriots pay,                                   
And if each had his way,                                    
That QUISLING would be forever sizzling.                    
                                                            
74093 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A QUISLING's an object of scorn,                            
Exposed with all decency shorn,                             
Who'll wantonly sell,                                       
His soul into hell,                                         
Betraying those to whom he's born.                          
                                                            
74094 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a quite nerdy queer,                         
Who collected his hich-tech gear.                           
But his search QUIXOTIC                                     
For a lover robotic,                                        
Was a inner tube and a long-necked beer.                    
                                                            
74095 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Though impractical and QUIXOTIC                             
Are oft thought romantic, exotic.                           
Disasterous results                                         
From overblown tumults,                                     
Get one classified as neurotic.                             
                                                            
74096 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As you wish!  Whatever!  QUODLIBET!                         
Melange of Mozart, rap, and musette,                        
Clap-trap and Musak,                                        
Beethoven, Bachrach;                                        
Arguments sharp such music does whet.                       
                                                            
74097 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



As you wish!  Whatever!  QUODLIBET!                         
China's view of concern for Tibet.                          
They brook no dissent                                       
In temple or tent,                                          
Stifling critics with neck tourniquette.                    
                                                            
74098 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Perhaps that conducter raged inside,                        
Because bottom of Ninth, reached with pride, (Beethoven's)  
Was now jeopardized                                         
By lobotomized                                              
Basses who had the score tied.                              
                                                            
74099 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The concert conducter exploded                              
Into a wild rage when he noted                              
That he was beset                                           
With strange QUODLIBET                                      
Because all the basses were loaded!                         
                                                            
74100 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



While most men can jingle their coins,                      
In pockets in pants near their loins,                       
Those architect guys                                        
Help their egos rise                                        
By sticking their stuccos with QUOINS.                      
                                                            
74101 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



QUONDAM means that in former day,                           
When young dam might roll in the hay                        
With lads contry-wide,                                      
Till she became bride,                                      
When her ways were buried as "nee".                         
                                                            
74102 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Poor guy felled by marital strife,                          
Contemplated the old single life.                           
And yearned for the day,                                    
'Twas all right to say,                                     
"Oh, you mean my damn QUONDAM wife!"                        
                                                            
74103 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The QUORUM for sex should be two.                           
No Robert's to rule what they do.                           
The detailed agenda                                         
Depends on their gender --                                  
But nothing, I trust, too beaucoup.                         
                                                            
74104 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



Our Senate, I find, a queer forum,                          
Where speeches are made without QUORUM.                     
Which is probably okay,                                     
Because what the dudes say                                  
To fellow pols surely would bore 'em.                       
                                                            
74105 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Ten Jews formed a minyan or QUORUM.                         
With sacred scrolls opened before 'em.                      
As they chanted their prayers,                              
They played with the hairs                                  
Of their sideburns, a breach of decorum.                    
                                                            
74106 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



The daily is as QUOTIDIAN,                                  
Ordinary as obsidian.                                       
As we demolish                                              
And daily polish,                                           
The beauty becomes mere Midian.                             
                                                            
74107 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Hermit Dave lives in cave, dark and ripe;                   
The "lech of all leches", no hype.                          
It isn't a fiction,                                         
There's no contradiction;                                   
He's not the QUOTIDIAN type.                                
                                                            
74108 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



They found the poor guy blue and black;                     
The victim of deadly bushwhack.                             
The perp, so it seems,                                      
Was the gal of his dreams,                                  
For she tortured him on her large RACK.                     
                                                            
74109 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



A framework for torture was the RACK,                       
Where bodies were stretched up a track                      
And thus made quite slim                                    
Or torn limb from limb,                                     
In hopes information would come back.                       
                                                            
74110 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Don Juan, the roue, who'd sack 'em up,                      
Got caught in his frontal attack 'em up.                    
His punishment dire                                         
Would surgeon require                                       
In dungeon where they'd RACK him up.                        
                                                            
74111 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



An old man, RACONTEUR magnifique,                           
When lasses libido he'd tweak,                              
Was told to shut up.                                        
"I'm a lamb you can't tup.                                  
And your tale's just a boring antique."                     
                                                            
74112 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Young RACONTEUR's tales when he'd dine                      
Needed no inspiration from wine.                            
Asked if stories rife,                                      
Came from his own life,                                     
He said, "No sir, I get them online."                       
                                                            
74113 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Scheherazade, Arab Miss odd,                                
Who, when pasha wanted her bod,                             
Told long tales instead                                     
Of going to bed;                                            
RACONTEUR, who was thus spared the rod.                     
                                                            
74114 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Miss Parton knows why men pursue her,                       
And she, the shrewd entrepreneur,                           
Exploits this male lust                                     
And never goes bust,                                        
When she takes her big raconteur.                           
                                                            
74115 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The mangy old nag, rank and RADDLED,                        
For too many years has been saddled;                        
To get on its back                                          
Requires one lack                                           
Good sense or possess a brain addled.                       
                                                            
74116 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Eschew the canoe, old and RADDLED,                          
Which over steep falls has been paddled.                    
Life's metaphors speak,                                     
Avoiding the leak,                                          
Or see sweet success skedaddled.                            
                                                            
74117 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The masses, with males all RAGTAG,                          
Whose priapic wants never flag,                             
Are a bunch of loose nuts                                   
In their daily ruts;                                        
Intent of ever playing the stag.                            
                                                            
74118 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Buffoon Bob, fond of RAILLERY,                              
Searched always for 'piece of tailery.'                     
Tumbled by fate                                             
For underaged date,                                         
And now has been sentenced to jailery.                      
                                                            
74119 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A RAMADA by any other name,                                 
We'd call it a succah, the same,                            
But for just seven days                                     
To remember the ways                                        
Of forebeears, who through desert came.                     
                                                            
74120 WORDS - DEFINED                Esther                   



The RAMADA ravaged by rain                                  
In that soggy section of Spain,                             
Was not the best spot                                       
For barbeque hot,                                           
Where fire never flickered on plain.                        
                                                            
74121 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The long, leisurely walk, a RAMBLE,                         
Can quickly turn into a scramble,                           
If as the gander,                                           
You should meander                                          
Into a briar patch or bramble.                              
                                                            
74122 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Aquiver with Cupid's sharp dart,                            
Preamble is how you should start.                           
Though foreplay delays,                                     
It certainly pays.                                          
So RAMBLE -- then aim for the heart!                        
                                                            
74123 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



With today's word, it's worthy to note                      
The etymological quote.                                     
I'd never gamble,                                           
That source of RAMBLE                                       
Is urgings of satyr or goat.                                
                                                            
74124 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I am glad we have RAMBO guys,                               
Though little behind muscle lies,                           
They behave like slobs,                                     
But do dirty jobs,                                          
That no one would take, otherwise.                          
                                                            
74125 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



There once was a RAMBUNCTIOUS ram                           
Who was quick to serve up a "wham-bam."                     
To RAMBUNCTIOUS ewe,                                        
He'd whisper words few,                                     
Ending with, "Baah, baah, thank you ma'am.                  
                                                            
74126 WORDS - DEFINED                Chis Papa                



The exhuberant ram RAMBUNCTIOUS,                            
A lanolin addict compunctious,                              
Rubbed mate in glorious                                     
Manner uxorious,                                            
Though to some he was a ram unctious.                       
                                                            
74127 WORDS - DEFINED                Caniel Ford              



It does RANKLE me, like a tooth ache,                       
Whenever I tax payment make.                                
Since most of what's sent                                   
To our government,                                          
Goes as "pork", to those on the take.                       
                                                            
74128 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Anger in others does RANKLE,                                
Causing discomfort and some crankle,                        
Along with escape                                           
To whiskey and grape,                                       
From beasties that bite at the ankle.                       
                                                            
74129 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



It RANKLES me when I'm in love,                             
Dreaming he's from heaven above,                            
To wake and find out                                        
He's naught but a lout;                                     
What could I have been thinking of.                         
                                                            
74130 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Ther once was a young RAPSCALLION                           
Who methinks thought he was a stallion.                     
But according to girls,                                     
He was worst of the churls.                                 
So they'd never let him dally on!                           
                                                            
74131 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



In Congress smart people we need,                           
A selfless sophisticate breed.                              
But from what appears,                                      
There are none, my dears;                                   
RARA AVIS to find there, indeed.                            
                                                            
74132 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Philologists are RAREFIED                                   
Intellectuals terrified                                     
That time will run out,                                     
So they run about                                           
Searching for all to be clarified.                          
                                                            
74133 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Let us not to base instincts yield,                         
Seek interest in RAREFIED field.                            
If you'll do your part,                                     
In Physics or Art,                                          
Life may be a joy unannealed.                               
                                                            
74134 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Clear thinking RATIOCINATION                                
Is not the purview of high station.                         
For were that the case,                                     
There'd not be a trace                                      
Of Clintonesque prevarication.                              
                                                            
74135 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Reasoning RATIOCINATION                                     
To be intelligence equation                                 
May give false reading                                      
Of signs, thus leading                                      
To complex rationalization.                                 
                                                            
74136 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



RATIOCINATION is cool,                                      
Though it escapes many a fool.                              
And like sex on blackboards,                                
Todays unwashed hordes,                                     
Learn little of it in the school.                           
                                                            
74137 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If a condom so lessen your sport,                           
That it's worth eighteen years child support,               
Try RATIOCINATION                                           
About procreation.                                          
Let your palm be your only consort.                         
                                                            
74138 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



She had a REBARBATIVE beau,                                 
Who wanted his bed games just so                            
And caused her to flex                                      
In pursuit of sex,                                          
In ways that were not apropos.                              
                                                            
74139 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Bad behavior's RECIDIVISM                                   
Often leads to a cataclysm,                                 
Wherein someone's crime                                     
Of fat intake prime                                         
Brings on a stroke or aneurism.                             
                                                            
74140 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Many of your lims are abstract,                             
But of course they are knowledge backed.                    
They are RECONDITE;                                         
Two wrongs don't make right,                                
Profoundness is all they have lacked.                       
                                                            
74141 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford         T9707



When bathing in Love's luminescence,                        
As Eros flits 'round in one's presence,                     
Those hormonal surges                                       
Drive internal urges                                        
That wake sex with wild RECRUDESCENCE.                      
                                                            
74142 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Judeo-Christianity's strong,                                
As a barrier to doing wrong.                                
So we're RECTITUDINOUS,                                     
Yet there's something lewd in us,                           
And it'll come out before long.                             
                                                            
74143 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Morally straight, RECTITUDINOUS,                            
Men oft appear fortitudinous,                               
But pushing to shove,                                       
Their rusing to love,                                       
Is banal and platitudinous.                                 
                                                            
74144 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The bra that she wore was well padded                       
And to her small bosom she added                            
To help nature's erring.                                    
Such wily RED HERRING                                       
Which then helped to drive him mad, did.                    
                                                            
74145 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If you'be been stretched by a RED HERRING,                  
The sound of which is overbearing,                          
Hold your reaction                                          
Until redaction,                                            
The bombastic response forswearing.                         
                                                            
74146 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Detective tale, author is sharing,                          
Along with some deeds that are derring:                     
A mystery dark,                                             
A clue or two stark,                                        
As well as misleading RED HERRING.                          
                                                            
74147 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Diverting from issues, RED HERRING,                         
Should all thoughtful people be scaring.                    
For as with Bill Clinton,                                   
Focus is on hintin'                                         
About the dirty linen airing.                               
                                                            
74148 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



His first university chick                                  
(Admittedly, only REDBRICK)                                 
Was virgo intacta:                                          
He promptly attacked her --                                 
Explaining his bloody red prick.                            
                                                            
74149 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



REDBRICK university schools,                                
In Britain, set scolarship rules.                           
Just like in U.S.                                           
Were same, more or less,                                    
Turns out all those Ivy-Walled Fools.                       
                                                            
74150 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Leave REDOUBT and go for the fall;                          
Some things give more joy than the mall.                    
Since you are grown up,                                     
Sip from adult cup;                                         
Seek knowledge, use brain above all.                        
                                                            
74151 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



REDOUBTABLE, tough word to cobble,                          
On tongue it is easy to bobble.                             
Its meaning we know,                                        
The French tell us so;                                      
It's something that's quite FORMIDABLE.                     
                                                            
74152 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A charming young lady I knew,                               
With interesting curves, quite a few,                       
Who dressed a la vogue,                                     
Met REDOUBTABLE rogue,                                      
And now is in quite pregnant stew.                          
                                                            
74153 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Respect out of fear, REDOUBTABLE,                           
May lead a child to be poutable,                            
When big and scary                                          
Monsters quite hairy,                                       
Are not from closets lockoutable.                           
                                                            
74154 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Illustrious, REDOUBTABLE,                                   
So eminently toutable,                                      
Famed people, no doubt,                                     
Have need of redoubt,                                       
With paparazzi unfloutable.                                 
                                                            
74155 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



That seldom-found usage REDOUND,                            
(Confused with resound and abound,)                         
Has meanings abundant                                       
But is really redundant                                     
Which is why it is so seldom found.                         
                                                            
74156 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Collectors of coins will be needing                         
Info about faces and REEDING,                               
While I just intend                                         
The silver to spend                                         
On items for which I am greeding.                           
                                                            
74157 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My advice I hope you'll be heeding,                         
Don't shave from your coins the REEDING.                    
The effort you've spent                                     
Won't pay the rent                                          
Or the fee of the lawyer you're needing.                    
                                                            
74158 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm                     



Of flora or fauna a trace,                                  
Or woman in poor widow's place.                             
Today's word is picked                                      
A useful RELICT,                                            
Also means mark on rock face.                               
                                                            
74159 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When eternal hope I depect,                                 
The "Merry Widow" I always picked.                          
She always did say                                          
She awaited the day...                                      
Relict is relicked by relict.                               
                                                            
74160 WORDS - DEFINED                Gunjan                   



The sign left behind, a RELICT,                             
May be enough to interdict                                  
The next action evil                                        
Of dastardly weevil,                                        
Who demise we then can predict.                             
                                                            
74161 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A few human REMORA I've met;                                
More human than marine ones, I'll bet.                      
They suckle you dry                                         
Till you just want to cry!                                  
And they just never seem to regret.                         
                                                            
74162 WORDS - DEFINED                Maggie                   



For those that engage in wordplay,                          
The ones skilled at quick REPARTEE,                         
Give sharp verbal parry                                     
With vocabulary                                             
Meant to send you on your way.                              
                                                            
74163 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



When her cauldrons, perhaps, with eels fill,                
The old wizard might not then feel ill.                     
But trusting the witch                                      
With such fevered pitch,                                    
Would take extraordinary steel will.                        
                                                            
74164 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When my kids would start to REPINE,                         
Embellished with sigh and a whine,                          
I could convert their moans                                 
Into weary groans,                                          
By offering their childhood for mine.                       
                                                            
74165 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



There once was a redneck young feller,                      
A regular screamer and yeller.                              
Creating such strife,                                       
That REPINING wife                                          
Locked herself in their whine celler.                       
                                                            
74166 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



My limericks oft are REPLETE,                               
With rhymes of the crude male-esthete.                      
Please know that I send                                     
Them not to offend,                                         
But hoping you'll think they are neat.                      
                                                            
74167 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Fully provided is REPLETE;                                  
Evidence of planning complete.                              
But if you'd be sure                                        
The trip to endure,                                         
Check your equipment and repeat.                            
                                                            
74168 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A REPOSITORY, keep-hole, or box                             
That is bounded around with dark locks,                     
Is attractive to con-men                                    
(A black curse upon them)                                   
Though it's bolted as tight as Fort Knox.                   
                                                            
74169 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Pharmacy school, REPOSITORY.                                
For art of rolling suppository;                             
A delivery source,                                          
That one could, of course,                                  
Take in a nether depository.                                
                                                            
74170 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In order to conquer that dame,                              
Don't play the G-spot game.                                 
The REQUISITE factor                                        
You need to attract her                                     
Is money, or lacking that, fame.                            
                                                            
74171 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



He tried all the REQUISITE games,                           
That guys use attracting some dames.                        
But he never got                                            
To amorous spot;                                            
Advances were shot down in flames.                          
                                                            
74172 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Pap                



A REQUISITE requirement for life                            
Is learning to handle all strife                            
With grace and good wit.                                    
If thing get rough, don't quit!                             
Just pass it all on to your wife.                           
                                                            
74173 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



She returned his love; she did REQUITE                      
The feelings he shared and this despite                     
His oft bumbling ways                                       
And awkward forays                                          
Into the wrong places out of sight.                         
                                                            
74174 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



There are harassed spouses who might                        
Think of ill-deeds born of spite.                           
And tend to ignore                                          
A mate that might snore                                     
Or flatulent foggins REQUITE.                               
                                                            
74175 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



'Round her neck, a jeweled pendant                          
Did shine with brilliance RESPLENDENT.                      
'Twas an added perk,                                        
'Cause she did good work                                    
With use of her soft parts dependent.                       
                                                            
74176 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



RESPLENDENTLY clothed for appointment,                      
He fell, due to kneecap disjointment.                       
His final release,                                          
Soaked in axle grease.                                      
Another dead spy in the ointment.                           
                                                            
74177 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A RESTAURATEUR, mad as hell,                                
Provoked crowds of natives as well                          
To Hun-like attack,                                         
Because "Le Big Mac"                                        
Was thought by some Frenchmen as "Swell!"                   
                                                            
74178 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



One who restores is RESTAURATEUR,                           
Providing rest, food to voyageur.                           
In large and small rooms,                                   
Some for brides and grooms,                                 
Who were quite unaware of voyeur.                           
                                                            
74179 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Said Jones, in the time of the Raj,                         
With local affairs a hodge-podge,                           
"That crowd isn't festive,                                  
The natives are restive,                                    
We'd better lay down a barrage."                            
                                                            
74180 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



We've been here a while and I've found                      
This theater has terrible sound.                            
But the film's suggestive                                   
And I'm getting RESTIVE;                                    
So why don't we just fool around.                           
                                                            
74181 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



New edict the computer Czar made:                           
"No longer call a spade a spade.                            
We, in our smug school,                                     
Find new terms for fool.                                    
He's a just a wise man, RETROGRADE"                         
                                                            
74182 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In the early terracentric view,                             
Some heavenly planets backwards flew,                       
At various times,                                           
In various climes,                                          
Mercury was then RETROGRADE too.                            
                                                            
74183 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



The French word REVANCHE is real neat,                      
When vengeful Gauls savored it sweet.                       
Except history shows                                        
When it came to blows,                                      
They seemed to be best at retreat.                          
                                                            
74184 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Before King Henry crossed le Manche,  (English Channel)     
To pursue his plan of Revanche,                             
He made a tender                                            
To the French to surrender,                                 
Since for pillage his troops had carte blanche.             
                                                            
74185 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Ere revenge could become planned REVANCHE,                  
Henry's troops must need their wounds to staunch.           
Else those cavalier                                         
French nobles might cheer                                   
As yon Hank was set back on his haunch.                     
                                                            
74186 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



RIALTO, like the "Great White Way."                         
Where cultural arts are in play,                            
A market of sorts,                                          
Displaying man's warts,                                     
Whilst giving each writer his say.                          
                                                            
74187 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Theatre district, RIALTO,                                   
In Calaveras Gold Alto                                      
Was a Mark Twain haunt,                                     
'Mid many a taunt                                           
Toward bullfrog movement salto. (jumping)                   
                                                            
74188 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Poor Max has a mouth for a wife;                            
His marital woes, very RIFE.                                
If it wasn't "her way,"                                     
There'd be Hell to pay;                                     
No supper, no sex and much strife.                          
                                                            
74189 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



RIGAMAROLE, I confess,                                      
Like dealing with the IRS,                                  
Boring in the main,                                         
Just one more big pain,                                     
A kind of etcetera mess.                                    
                                                            
74190 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In college beds, RIGAMAROLE                                 
Had different meaning, on the whole;                        
The humor quite fleeting,                                   
In practice short-sheeting,                                 
Which Sophomores thought quite droll.                       
                                                            
74191 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Provoking laughter, it's RISIBLE,                           
But elements are not divisible.                             
The whole of the show                                       
Does make laughter flow,                                    
While director stays invisible.                             
                                                            
74192 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When Life deals its slings and hard hits,                   
And all is dull, drear, "like the pits",                    
Bring on vista sunny,                                       
If you've got the money,                                    
Enjoy, sybarize, al la RITZ!                                
                                                            
74193 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Elegant, fancy, and RITZY,                                  
May sometimes approach the glitzy,                          
As tersichorean,                                            
Toreadorean,                                                
Sybaritic Gaynor Mitzi.                                     
                                                            
74194 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Politico's friends are ROCK-RIBBED,                         
Stand by when their principal's fibbed,                     
And swear to his lies,                                      
Are never surprised,                                        
That "principles" are merely ad libbed.                     
                                                            
74195 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ROCK-RIBBED were the walls of the fjord;                    
Safety he couldn't afford.                                  
He had a spasm                                              
While in the chasm;                                         
The waters of fjord he explored.                            
                                                            
74196 WORDS - DEFINED                Darryl                   



ROCOCO means fanciful shell,                                
In decorative art really swell.                             
All light, sweet, and gooey,                                
Time of 15th Louis,                                         
As French empire went straight to hell.                     
                                                            
74197 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Decorative excell, ROCOCO,                                  
Describes artist's bent somwhat loco,                       
With swirls and plaster.                                    
No sipping faster,                                          
With ROCOCO cup for your cocoa.                             
                                                            
74198 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



RODOMONT is a noisy wind-bag,                               
Call him braggart, another tag.                             
It's usually a male,                                        
Who tells a long tale,                                      
Which, far from amusing is drag.                            
(blustereing boaster, braggart)                             
74199 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



RODOMONT, like boastful King Moor,                          
Is often vainglorious boor,                                 
Whose strutting bluster                                     
Just won't pass muster,                                     
And stinks like some big bear's spoor.                      
(blustering boaster, braggart)                              
74200 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



RODOMONTADE, boasting and bragging,                         
Needed when attendance is flagging,                         
Reaches tedium                                              
In each medium,                                             
In these days of constant tonggue wagging.                  
                                                            
74201 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Disguised events in ROMAN A CLEF,                           
Do lightly conceal folks and portray                        
In fictional scenes                                         
Just who's in whose jeans,                                  
Revealing to all their feet of clay.                        
                                                            
74202 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



I know for a fact, history will pay                         
If you write a good ROMAN A CLEF!                           
Take a historic look,                                       
Michell's civil war book                                    
Is still touted and loved to this day!                      
                                                            
74203 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



ROMAN FLEUVE, generational tale,                            
Like ocean, takes long time to sail,                        
Form saga-Forsythes,                                        
To "Slick Willy" bites,                                     
Usual cad, an overseexed male.                              
                                                            
74204 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



ROMAN FLEUVE of Anais Nin,                                  
Her sexual exploits within,                                 
Became a thriller                                           
With Henry Miller                                           
As purvyor of joyful sin.                                   
                                                            
74205 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Rosetta Stone, so hard to translate,                        
And writing on it wasn't so great.                          
Took many a hard knock                                      
To write on that rock.                                      
Too bad they didn't use slate.                              
                                                            
74206 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Most pharmacists surely would choose                        
ROSETTA STONE, which they could use                         
To help understand                                          
What's writ in crabbed hand,                                
From M.D.s with the scribbling blues.                       
                                                            
74207 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



I won't accept this, never will,                            
I knew as a noun once, and still                            
In my mind you see                                          
A ROTISSERIE,                                               
As spit over a hot barbie grill.                            
                                                            
74208 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A person just might as well die,                            
As to give up cake, candy, and pie.                         
For if those you've shunned                                 
Because you're ROTUND,                                      
Your reason for living's a lie!                             
                                                            
74209 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



Though self-knowledge, I have a fund;                       
I think I was recently stunned,                             
When the mirror showed                                      
How much I had growed,                                      
Into a retiree ROTUND.                                      
                                                            
74210 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A ROVER BOY's clean, brave and strong;                      
Naive as the pure dove of song.                             
Until he meets "her,"                                       
As male hormones stir,                                      
Then he won't be naive for long.                            
                                                            
74211 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The goading you feel from the ROWEL                         
Of politicos disavowal,                                     
Should spur you on, Son,                                    
To elect some one                                           
Who stretches not his every vowel.                          
(no southeners please)                                      
74212 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Rube Goldberg's contraptions most curious                   
Save labor through efforts laborious.                       
Which I think is why                                        
He could be the guy                                         
Who built my computer; I'm sure he is                       
                                                            
74213 WORDS - DEFINED                Gary Hallock             



Irreversible path, RUBICON,                                 
Means we have cast the die cubic on,                        
Abandoned lost hope,                                        
Fastened on new scope,                                      
And are trying a new rubic on.                              
                                                            
74214 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



RUBICUND, reddened, dear friends,                           
A discription of "Slick Willy" tends,                       
As color suggestions,                                       
The hue of projections,                                     
He shows us at both of his ends.                            
                                                            
74215 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Reddish tendency, RUBICUND,                                 
May indicate one furicund,  (one filled with fury)          
But in life's paces                                         
Such ruddy face is                                          
Cynosure one's not moribund.  (at death's door)             
                                                            
74216 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



RUMBUSTIOUS folks, I really think                           
Had better watch out what they drink.                       
If rum it may be,                                           
Or beer and "church key,"                                   
Most folks don't like their boozy stink.                    
                                                            
74217 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The rowdy and wild, RUMBUSTIOUS;                            
Celebrants' behavior combustious,                           
Both damages cars,                                          
And their repute tars.                                      
A judge may not think it rambunctious.                      
                                                            
74218 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A stocky guy would RUMINATE,                                
About all the food that he ate.                             
"Those Calories grand                                       
Are more than I planned.                                    
The weight loss will just have to wait!"                    
                                                            
74219 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



On things gustatory, I RUMINATE,                            
My interest in food to illuminate.                          
But thinking of worms                                       
In dieting terms,                                           
I marvel at all that a human ate.                           
                                                            
74220 WORDS - DEFINED                Win                      



A wonderful place RURITANIA,                                
Where folks have ideas in their crania,                     
Of how life might be                                        
Quite ideally,                                              
For those with the same sort of mania.                      
                                                            
74221 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



RUSSELL'S PARADOX makes suggestion                          
Presenting logical congestion:                              
That what we define                                         
As is, may be fine,                                         
Which we know is begging the question.                      
                                                            
74222 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



RUSSELL'S PARADOX, logic defies;                            
Concept may not mean what it implies,                       
Thus, I therefore maintain                                  
It could give you head pain,                                
Which could lead to an early demise.                        
                                                            
74223 WORDS - DEFINED                Observer                 



RUSSELL'S PARODOX is worth knowing,                         
Its use seems a neat way of showing,                        
That you just can't win,                                    
With dumb reasonin',                                        
Which gets you both coming and going.                       
                                                            
74224 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Her cheeks had a RUTILANT glow                              
When he asked to see "What's below."                        
Her merkin espied,                                          
"You hussy," he cried,                                      
"I'll bet it's a win place to show."                        
                                                            
74225 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The reddish glow of lips RUTILANT                           
Signals joy of feelings jubilant.                           
As when titilation                                          
Raises expectation                                          
Of tantalizing trysts tutelant.                             
                                                            
74226 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



For a long happy life, the Rx                               
Is oodles of good and safe sex.                             
But close kin eschew;                                       
They're no good for you,                                    
'Cause they starve the gene pool index.                     
                                                            
74227 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's not just close kin who eschew                          
Rx for safe sex for the two;                                
Liturgic hysterics                                          
From silver-haired clerics:                                 
No good family planning for you.                            
                                                            
74228 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



The winter disorder call SAD,                               
Leaves sufferers feeling so bad,                            
They'll hop on a plane,                                     
Or take bus or train,                                       
To where more of sun can be had.                            
(Seasonal Affectuve Disorder)                               
74229 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



People eschew Pacific Northwest,                            
Where only the summer is best.                              
The rest of the year,                                       
Dark, rainy and drear,                                      
Puts many mere mortals to test.                             
SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER                                 
74230 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER                                 
Afflicts many North of the border,                          
Who must escape grey                                        
For a sunbelt stay,                                         
Until sunny return is in order.                             
                                                            
74231 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A gritty and sandy SABULOUS                                 
Is not always quite so fabulous.                            
Making love in sand                                         
Is never so grand;                                          
For meticulous, it's so crapulous.                          
                                                            
74232 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Who put the sand in Vaseline?                               
A person undoubtedly mean.                                  
Such SABULOUS sex                                           
Will surely perplex                                         
And hurt in a fashion obscene.                              
                                                            
74233 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In Roman Rites' rules SACERDOTAL,                           
Besides doings described devotal,                           
In "belly of beast",                                        
That forbids a priest                                       
To tarry in delights deemed scrotal.                        
                                                            
74234 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Of priestly doings SACERDOTAL                               
And rigid thoughts, often scrotal,                          
There are only few                                          
That we can review,                                         
Hoping to find some antidotal.                              
                                                            
74235 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



When priests imbibe wine SACERDOTAL,                        
They lose sight of sins in their total!                     
Their morals get loose                                      
Like grease through a goose,                                
Behaving in ways that are scrotal.                          
                                                            
74236 WORDS - DEFINED                Barb                     



Our bishop, to wax anecdotal,                               
Is not well-behaved or teetotal --                          
What the bishop enjoys                                      
Is whiskey and boys.                                        
He says, "Bugger the damned SACERDOTAL!"                    
                                                            
74237 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



Priest liked best of work SACERDOTAL,                       
The handling of the wine devotal.                           
Tastes would preempt, he,                                   
Until cask was empty,                                       
And padre devoid of sense total.                            
                                                            
74238 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



That nice sacramental, sweet wine                           
Is to tipsy priest, a source divine,                        
Where he might splurge in                                   
SACERDOTAL sin,                                             
That leads to cirrhotic decline.                            
                                                            
74239 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Dead voters, they knew how to snatch 'em;                   
How to collect names and then batch 'em,                    
So rotting old bones                                        
From beneath the stones                                     
Would help re-elect the SACHEM.                             
                                                            
74240 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



There once was a sour-faced SACHEM,                         
Who had plans and worked hard to hatch 'em;                 
Absconded with fund                                         
Which left most folks stunned,                              
So sherrif is now out to catch him.                         
                                                            
74241 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Sacrilegious, a mild word to use,                           
Among epithets that I would choose,                         
For desccribing the pap                                     
That's passed off as "rap",                                 
Wherein words and music both lose.                          
                                                            
74242 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



It's time to SAC RELIGIOUS leeches,                         
For deeds ignominy beseeches.                               
Let them dwell                                              
Forever in Hell,                                            
Wearing mittens, peeling peaches.                           
                                                            
74243 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



A SACRELIGIOUS young Turk,                                  
Who thinks his wise mentor a jerk,                          
Ignores moral ways;                                         
Decides that crime pays;                                    
Will in Dante's Hell duly perc (olate).                     
                                                            
74244 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The great things in life must be ranked,                    
To have sex in place SACROSANCT,                            
But just to be fair,                                        
It may not be rare,                                         
How many young ladies were thanked?                         
                                                            
74245 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A SAGACIOUS savant named Sy,                                
A highly intelligent guy,                                   
Found that he could rate                                    
In our welfare state,                                       
And chose not to work to get by.                            
                                                            
74246 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The employment office he'd face                             
And history of stars he would trace.                        
On nuclear fusion                                           
He'd sow confusion;                                         
So he, in asylum, they'd place.                             
                                                            
74247 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



But finding he'd take up a bed,                             
They got him apartment instead.                             
Though his style it cramps,                                 
He lives off food stamps,                                   
With ocassional trips to club Med.                          
                                                            
74248 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



In fostering sex-life SALACIOUS,                            
And doing some deed most ungracious,                        
Is part of the mold,                                        
An arrogance bold,                                          
From one who is venal, mendacious.                          
                                                            
74249 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The youthful joys of one's SALAD DAYS,                      
The excesses of those ballad ways,                          
Are often described                                         
As elders imbibed,                                          
Working through some painful maladaise.                     
                                                            
74250 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



People are wont to confessing                               
About SALAD DAYS, but I'm guessing                          
That Youth's kings and queens                               
Served up wilted greens,                                    
Topped with plain vinegar dressing.                         
                                                            
74251 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A sickly young Devonshire fellow                            
Thought that his manner, quite mellow,                      
Would land him a dame,                                      
But none ever came,                                         
For his mein was all sickly and SALLOW.                     
                                                            
74252 WORDS - DEFINED                Wayne Moore Jr           



Not quite jaundiced but yellowed, SALLOW,                   
Pale complexion in New York Hallow,                         
Could be the result                                         
Of liver insult,                                            
From eating too much fried in tallow.                       
                                                            
74253 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



Small mouth bass, a very fine dish.                         
Trout and salmon are also a wish.                           
To snag on my line,                                         
A challenge divine,                                         
Such SALTANT, sweet water, swift fish.                      
                                                            
74254 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Pap                



Sprightly Sally sauteed a sardine.                          
Hence, resulting insulting cuisine.                         
But her beau didn't care,                                   
For thin panties she'd wear,                                
As his SALTANT, sweet somersault queen.                     
                                                            
74255 WORDS - DEFINED                Elois                    



Sallys sister, alliterative Alice,                          
Fondled friend Fred's fearsome phallus.                     
So smell of sardine,                                        
Made macho marine                                           
Purr a portal of pleasure palace.                           
                                                            
74256 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The SAMIZDAT, pest to regime,                               
Is likely to curdle its cream,                              
Inviting the noose                                          
With printed word use,                                      
Subversive to utmost extreme.                               
                                                            
74257 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Underground publishing, SAMIZDAT,                           
Offers gadflies a chance at potshot;                        
When raising questions                                      
Upsets digestions,                                          
Some accepted, some is not.                                 
                                                            
74258 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A cool customer displays SANG-FROID                         
In the face of adversity's maw.                             
Before he gets bit,                                         
He halts the visit,                                         
So his SANG-FROID won't suffer a thaw.                      
                                                            
74259 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A young man wil talent SANG-FROID,                          
Was having affair, ooh-la-la.                               
Mad husband espied,                                         
The cool youth replied,                                     
"I'll go before coming, Ta, ta!"                            
                                                            
74260 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



If that young man maintains his habit,                      
Pursuing urges like a rabbit,                               
He'll need a strong heart                                   
And steel nether part,                                      
For mad husband may come to grab it.                        
                                                            
74261 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



French politicians give me a pain.                          
But boycot the language?  That's insane!                    
I'll lose my SANGFROID                                      
When some dumb bourgeois                                    
Starts shouting "Remember the Maine!"                       
                                                            
74262 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



We'll see how much SANGFROID remains,                       
After U.S. troops go to pains                               
Detailing French aid,                                       
For which Saddam paid,                                      
Exposing French ill-gotten gains.                           
                                                            
74263 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



The SANGUINE don't know how to cry,                         
So the woes of their lives pass them by.                    
A psychology session                                        
Reveals much repression;                                    
Do they smirk at the world as they die?                     
                                                            
74264 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



The SANGUINE are ruddy and jolly;                           
They grin at the world and its folly.                       
They laugh at the fates                                     
(Which at times irritates)                                  
And never say "Jeez" or "By Golly"!                         
                                                            
74265 WORDS - DEFINED                Eva Amata                



SANSCULOTTE, that radical class,                            
Stout liberals of fire and brass,                           
Who are quick to bare                                       
Their butts to the air,                                     
And moon, just as soon as harass.                           
                                                            
74266 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



A SANSCULOTTE slob, oft unwashed,                           
On onions and leeks daily noshed;                           
All smelly, unkempt,                                        
From soap quite exempt.                                     
"That 'frog' word is fitting," he joshed.                   
                                                            
74267 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Said an angry SANSCULOTTE,                                  
"King Louis' reign is shot.                                 
It isn't pleasant                                           
Being a peasant.                                            
It's time to split up the pot."                             
                                                            
74268 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



When into a tailor's I strolled,                            
'You dress to the left', I was told.                        
I later egressed,                                           
Impeccably pressed                                          
On every SARTORIAL fold.                                    
                                                            
74269 WORDS - DEFINED                Nick                     



In tailored fine clothes SARTORIAL,                         
Covering defects coporeal,                                  
We go on spending                                           
And not doubt ending                                        
Our trek from ancestors arboreal.                           
                                                            
74270 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



No matter your rank or your class,                          
The action not given a pass,                                
Comes from children flip,                                   
Who yearn for "fat lip",                                    
When treating their parents to SASS                         
                                                            
74271 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Impertinent back talk is SASS,                              
Not limited to teens on grass;                              
In Saskatchewan                                             
Will SASS get you one                                       
Of Mothers's sharp swats on the ass.                        
                                                            
74272 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A satchel, suitcase or valise;                              
A cozy box lined all in fleece,                             
For the average boffin,                                     
A cheap pine box coffin,                                    
Is all you need when you decease.                           
                                                            
74273 WORDS - DEFINED                Eric Seaberg             



In his quest for sex SATIETY,                               
Norm neared great impropriety,                              
As village girls scattered,                                 
But to him what mattered                                    
Was his wish for sweet variety.                             
                                                            
74274 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



Norm achieves SATIETY                                       
Without meanacing society.                                  
When he clears the decks,                                   
It's for food, not sex;                                     
A choice driven by age, not piety.                          
                                                            
74275 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



SATURNIAN time is age when                                  
Dirty old guys, now and then,                               
Think fondly of love,                                       
But when push comes to shove,                               
Can but wish they were much younger men.                    
                                                            
74276 WORDS - DEFINED                Chris Papa               



This week I beat my rival Bernie In                         
The local pool room tourney in                              
A game of eight-ball.                                       
I'm now standing tall                                       
And the future looks SATURNIAN.                             
                                                            
74277 WORDS - DEFINED                Norm Brust               



Those golden ages SATURNIAN,                                
As told in old songs Hibernian,                             
Memorialize                                                 
The wishes of guys                                          
Influenced by wines sauternian.                             
                                                            
74278 WORDS - DEFINED                Daniel Ford              



A horny lecher is the SATYR,                                
Who takes the Sabines now and later.                        
And when he's angling                                       
Or merely dangling,                                         
Needs the hands of a mas